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THE HAPPINESS PATROL PART ONE Run time: 24:51 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. Streets of Terra Alpha. Night. [SCENE_BREAK] As the episode credit is shown, we see dark streets painted in 'happy' colours. A woman, DAPHNE S, comes down the street, in a dark trenchcoat. She is a melancholy looking woman with yellow hair and premature wrinkles and bulbous eyes, rather like a woman bloodhound. She sits down on a bench. A man in a dark coat like hers appears arpound a corner, slightly plump and weaselly. This is SILAS P. He hisses to get her attention. SILAS P: Psst!! Do you want to talk about it? DAPHNE S: I don't talk to strangers. SILAS P: Perhaps I can help. DAPHNE S: I didn't ask for any. SILAS P: You know you shouldn't sit here. It's dangerous. DAPHNE S: I don't care anymore. Let them get me. SILAS P: You don't have to face your suffering alone, you know. DAPHNE S: What do you mean? (Silas P sits down behind her, then looks left and right to make sure of no eavesdropping) SILAS P: There's a place. A secret place. Where some of us gather to indulge their depressions, to share their miseries, with other killjoys like you and me. DAPHNE S: I'm not a killjoy! SILAS P: That's what they would call you. You interested? DAPHNE S: Perhaps. SILAS P: Oooh, it changed my life. Here, my card. Here, take it! (Daphne reads it) DAPHNE S: "Silas P" SILAS P: (Grinning) Other side! DAPHNE S: (As she reads it, Silas's demeanour changes to triumphant and he leaps off the bench) But it says... SILAS P: "Happiness Patrol, Undercover"! Time to get really depressed! Daphne turns around, shocked by this betrayal. Six or seven women in beige clothing, white face-makeup and purple-pink wigs come down the street, with stupid-looking but menacing guns. The senior woman, DAISY K, speaks to Daphne S. DAISY K: Have a nice death! (The patrol raise the guns) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. Forum square. [SCENE_BREAK] The TARDIS materialises in an auditorium. The Doctor and Ace step out. ACE: How about a triceratops? THE DOCTOR: A three-horned dinosaur with a mouth like a beak? The Brigadier saw one in the London Underground once. ACE: And a tyrranosaurus rex? THE DOCTOR: Met quite a few actually. ACE: Any pterodactyls? THE DOCTOR: Lots of pterodactyls! We should make a visit sometime. ACE: To Earth in the Upper Cretaceous? Wicked! THE DOCTOR: A very good time for dinosaurs! ACE: I love dinosaurs! (Then she notices the bland, 'uplifting' music from a nearby speaker) But I hate that. Liff music!! Where are we, Professor anyway? THE DOCTOR: A planet, an Earth colony settled some time in your future. Do you like it? ACE: No. THE DOCTOR: No, neither do I. Why not? ACE: Too phony. Too happy! THE DOCTOR: Yes, I've been hearing disturbing rumours about Terra Alpha. So I thought I'd better look in some time. ACE: So tonight's the night? THE DOCTOR: Tonight's the night. I've been hearing rumours of something evil, and we're going to get to the bottom of it! [SCENE_BREAK] 3. Happiness Patrol HQ [SCENE_BREAK] We see a BCU of a badge being stuck to the shoulder of a pink boiler suit. It turns out that Silas P is recieving a badge from Terra Alpha's ruler, HELEN A, a sharp-faced middle aged woman with a red wig and reddish-brown clothes. HELEN A: Your third badge, Silas P! 45 killjoys to your credit! I'm very happy! SILAS P: I'm glad that you're happy ma'am, but it is actually 47! HELEN A: I do the counting, thank you, Silas P. SILAS P: Sorry ma'am. HELEN A: Still, I like your initiative, your enterprise. I'll see that you go far. SILAS P: I might mean for the top . HELEN A: Not quite the very top, Silas P? Silas P has clearly overstepped the mark. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. Streets of Terra Alpha. [SCENE_BREAK] A rather incongrous man, a thin face bereaucrat in old fashioned clothes including a dark coat and a bowler hat and yellow necktie, is in the background. This is TREVOR SIGMA. Ace and the Doctor enter the street, music still playing. ACE: Professor, this music is winding me up! THE DOCTOR: Yes, it makes you wonder how the natives stand it. ACE: I don't see any natives. The Doctor spots Trevor, who comes over to them. THE DOCTOR: Here comes one now! TREVOR: Name? ACE: Ace! TREVOR: No nicknames, aliases, pseudonyms, nom-de-plumes . Real name! ACE: It is my real name! Tell him Professor! THE DOCTOR: What's in a name? Trevor is clearly not convinced. TREVOR: (To Ace, sternly) I could report you for that! ACE: Can you smell something, Professor? THE DOCTOR: Now that you come to mention it. (Ace goes off) You will have to forgive my young friend, Ace, Mr, um, er you didn't tell me your name. TREVOR: You're right, I didn't give it to you, but I don't have to. I'm on official business from Galactic Centre. THE DOCTOR: How do I know you're telling the truth. TREVOR: Here, my identification. THE DOCTOR: Thank you, "Trevor Sigma". Actually, my nickname at collge was "Theta Sigma". TREVOR : No nicknames!! [SCENE_BREAK] 5. Forum square [SCENE_BREAK] Daisy K and another part of the Happiness Patrol come into the square where the TARDIS landed in a vehicle like an aesthetic mix of a 4-whell drive and a go-kart from a scrap heap. They go to the TARDIS with tins of paint. DAISY K: Right. Over there. This way! They start to paint. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. Streets of Terra Alpha [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor and Ace are looking at the chair Daphne S was formerly in. THE DOCTOR: Well? ACE: Bullet holes. THE DOCTOR: Yes, there is evil on Terra Alpha, and we've got to put a stop to it. ACE: How long? THE DOCTOR: Tonight! ACE: Won't that be dangerous? THE DOCTOR: Of course. ACE: Right, where do we start? THE DOCTOR: First, we get ourselves arrested. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. Forum Square [SCENE_BREAK] The TARDIS has been painted pink by the Patrol. Ace and the Doctor come in. ACE: Professor, what have they done!! THE DOCTOR: Yes, looks good actually. Daisy K comes up to them and levels her gun. DAISY K: You look unhappy about something. THE DOCTOR: No, not really, just admiring your handywork. Miserable looking thing! DAISY K: Our thoughts exactly. (to Ace) And you? Are you happy? THE DOCTOR: I would say she is, given the deeply distressing nature of some fundamental universal truths. DAISY K: What do you mean? THE DOCTOR: She's happy and I'm happy. ACE : (pointing to Daisy K's weapon) Can't you afford a real gun? (Daisy K promptly fires the gun at a loudspeaker: it blows up) Gordon Bennet! DAISY K: I'm glad you're happy, but what are you doing here? You don't look like locals! In fact you look like killjoys! ACE: What's a killjoy? DAISY K: Alright, you must be from off-world. In future stay within the specified tourist zones! ACE: What? DAISY K: You're free to go! ACE: You're not going to arrest us? DAISY K: I don't see why! ACE: Doctor, they're not going to arrest us! THE DOCTOR: Badges. ACE: What? THE DOCTOR: Yes, I believe all visitors are issued badges at customs. DAISY K: Yes. (to Ace) Where're your badges? Stupid question. ACE: I've got badges THE DOCTOR: She's got badges. ACE: This one's for top of Everest. DAISY K: Not interested. (to Doctor) Where're your badges? THE DOCTOR: (After futile searching and with mock worry..) Oh dear. I've seemed to lost them. DAISY K: He is obviously a spy and she is his accomplice. He will disappear and she will audition for the Happiness Patrol! THE DOCTOR: What do you mean? DAISY K: You're under arrest! ACE: Phew! About time! [SCENE_BREAK] 8. Helen A's living room. [SCENE_BREAK] On a television screen, it shows an image of Daphne S screaming, then falling out of view as the Happiness Patrol's guns ring out. A rather spacious and luxurious office-like living room, in the style of a fashion designer is the location. In a chair and getting anxious about the events on the video is a small middle-aged man with a senile yet imposing air. But this is decieving, as he's clearly shocked by his wife's cruelty. He is JOSEPH C, Helen A's husband. Helen A enters. HELEN A: What are you watching, dear? JOSEPH C: It's a videotape, dear, something called "Routine Disappearance No. 499,987. HELEN A : Turn that off, dear, that's for my eyes only. JOSEPH C: (complies) Oh well... HELEN A: And besides, you're missing my broadcast. Joseph C turns it to the broadcast. Helen A (pre-recorded) appears. HELEN A: (broadcast) And finally, Joseph C and I wish to thank you for your stirling work in catching the killjoys. Joseph makes as if to leave, but Helen A stops him HELEN A: Sit down my dear, you may find this instructive. HELEN A: (broadcast) Remember, keep smiling. Happiness will prevail! Which, of course, is right in the long run, elsewhere than Terra Alpha! [SCENE_BREAK] 9. Waiting zone 1 [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor and Ace are lead to a closed of area with a line close to Forum Square. A woman about as old as Daisy K and with a more smoother face and totally pink and white wig stands guard. This is PRISCILLA P. A lonely plump, short and sad faced man plays on a "poker" machine. This is HAROLD V. ACE: I thought we were arrested. I thought we were going to prison. The Doctor sees Harold and offers some advice. THE DOCTOR: Hold the two bananas and nudge. Never fails. It failed. ACE: Oh well, can't win them all. HAROLD V: That's all right, I don't like to win anymore. ACE: Why not? HAROLD V: First of all, I'm a killjoy. And secondly, I don't like the prize! THE DOCTOR: What is the prize? Harold wins a game. HAROLD V: You're about to find out. The front panel of the machine dissolves in a swirl of light. Helen A's image appears on it. HELEN A: Congratulations and well played! Here is your prize joke! Did you hear about the killjoy who won an outing with the Happiness Patrol? He was tickled to death! (tinned laughter) Enjoy yourself. The machine's front resolves. THE DOCTOR: I see what you mean. The delivery's terrible. HAROLD V: The joke's not much good either. THE DOCTOR: You're right. It's tastless, smug, and worst of all it's badly constructed, I mean, who writes that stuff? HAROLD V: I wrote it! ACE: YOU wrote it? HAROLD V: That's right. I used to be her gag writer, when I was Harold F. Then my brother disappeared. I heard of other disappearences. They caught me in the rocket port zone, trying to contact Terra Omega, and they put me in here and regeraded me to Harold V. (points to the "V" on his shoulder of his boiler suit, then gives a smile to the watching Priscilla P that would have looked better on a gerbil. Then he continues playing) ACE: But why are we being kept here? Why don't we just leave? The Doctor walks up to Priscilla P. THE DOCTOR: Excuse me? PRISCILLA P: Yeesss? She gives a sweet smile that looks better on a person taking cyanide. THE DOCTOR: Is this a prison? PRISCILLA P: A prison? Of course not! This is the Waiting Zone. We don't have any prisons on Terra Alpha, miserable places! THE DOCTOR: So what you're saying that this isn't a place of incarceration, and we're free to go if we wish? PRISCILLA P: (losing the cheerful tone) Well, yes and no. This isn't a prison... (as the Doctor walks up to a red and white striped line, her tone solidifies) but cross that line, and you're a dead man. She emphasises that point by waving a deadly 'bubble gun'. The Doctor, as he turns away, gives her a calm look. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. Execution yard. [SCENE_BREAK] What looks like a party in a courtyard with a sluice behind a table and a pitted metal tube suspended over the table. Four members of the Happiness Patrol are there, and three more, accompanied by Joeseph C and Daisy K, escort a prisoner onto the table. The prisoner, ANDREW X, is a tall thin man in a black overall and has a moustache. He is Harold V's brother. Joseph C shakes Daisy K's hand. JOSEPH C: Congratulations. (to ANDREW X) Bad luck, old man. Still, we have to be fair. Wouldn't treat you otherwise. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. Waiting zone 1 [SCENE_BREAK] The opening shot tracks up to Priscilla P's face, then cuts to the trio at the gag machine. THE DOCTOR: So what you're telling me is that Helen A punches people for wearing dark clothes? HAROLD V: That's right. It also goes for listening to slow music, and reading poems. Unless they're limericks, of course. THE DOCTOR: This is terrible! HAROLD V: Walking in the rain too, if you're on your own and don't carry an umbrella. ACE: Why don't people stand up to her? HAROLD V: The people are scared! THE DOCTOR: Remember the Happiness Patrol, Ace! ACE: Bunch of ratbags! THE DOCTOR: Ratbags with guns! HAROLD V: The Happiness Patrol are the nice side of her regime! Do you know who the Kandyman is, Doctor? THE DOCTOR: Sounds rather sweet. HAROLD V: He's dangerous! He's doing experiments, and that's why we're here. He needs guinea pigs: guinea pigs like you and me! ACE: What sort of experiments? HAROLD V: Can't find out. THE DOCTOR: What else does he do, this Kandyman? HAROLD V: He makes sweets. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. Helen A's office. [SCENE_BREAK] Helen A in an office just off her living room. She is seated at a desk with a control panel. A plump man who takes obvious pleasure in every word he says enters. This is GILBERT M. GILBERT M: You wanted to see me ma'am? HELEN A: Just curiousity. I wanted to know what the Kandyman had cooked up for us tonight? GILBERT M: It's a 'fondant surprise'. Helen A just can't believe this. HELEN A: Flavour? GILBERT M: Strawberry. HELEN A: Delicious! My favourite. [SCENE_BREAK] 13. Waiting zone 1 [SCENE_BREAK] As before ACE: So you reckon the Kandyman's the one behind all the disappearances? HAROLD V: One of the ones. There are 3 ways to disappear on Terra Alpha. The Late Show at the Forum, a visit to the Kandy Kitchen, and something else. ACE: What sort of something else? HAROLD V: I don't know. Rumour has it that Helen A prefers the firing squad. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. Execution yard. [SCENE_BREAK] Joseph C reads from a scroll. JOSEPH C: It says here, that you have been "found guilty of an ostentatious display of public grief"? Oh dear! DAISY K: PATROL!!! The Patrol memebers raise their guns. JOSEPH C: And so you have been sentenced to the severest penalty decreed by Helen A! DAISY K: PATROL, DISMISS! As the Patrol goes off, ANDREW X thinks he has been pardoned, however, the metal tube descends over his head as Helen A pushes a button. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. Kandy Kitchen [SCENE_BREAK] A bizarre mix of a laboratory, a kitchen and a factory. Pipes and ovens dominate the room with gears at the top. The Kandyman is even more bizarre, with a chocalate freckle with blue 100's and 1000's for a head with spinning eyes. A barley sugar with electronics revealed forms his torso. A liquourice allsort is his lower torso and his feet are marshmallows. His limbs are made of various sweets. He notices the red light buzzing away in the wall and stomps to a set of levers which he pulls. The gears start to move and the pipes fill with fondant surprise. An anlogue light display shows it's progress to the Kandyman. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. Execution yard. [SCENE_BREAK] The tube starts to lift, and ANDREW X is revealed with red goop covering him. He has been smothered by it. Joseph C approaches the dripping table. JOSEPH C: The fondant supreme! [SCENE_BREAK] Waiting zone [SCENE_BREAK] Ace: Time we moved on, Professor? The Doctor: Well, we have a night's work ahead of us and I think we've learned enough. Ace: Ace. Prison break. The Doctor: Waiting zone break, but I think we'll take our new found friend with us. Harold: What's that? Ace: We're going to escape. The Doctor: Shush. Harold: There is no escape. [SCENE_BREAK] Helen A's office [SCENE_BREAK] Gilbert: Well, I must be going, ma'am. Helen: So soon? We haven't finished yet. There's still his brother, Harold V, to deal with. Gilbert: Ah, yes. His brother. Helen: Families are very important for people's happiness. [SCENE_BREAK] Waiting zone [SCENE_BREAK] Priscilla: I think he got a buzz out of that. Ace: Shut up! The Doctor: Hold it, Ace. Priscilla: Rather a shocking experience. Ace: Let me shut her up! The Doctor: Save it, save it. You can't run. You're no good to me like this. Ace: I want to nail those scumbags. I want to make them very, very unhappy. The Doctor: Don't worry, Ace, we will. [SCENE_BREAK] Kandy Kitchen [SCENE_BREAK] Kandyman: What time do you call this? [SCENE_BREAK] Waiting zone [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Tell me. Priscilla: Yes? The Doctor: I was wondering about your go-cart. Priscilla: It's not my go-cart, it's the Waiting Zone's go-cart. The Doctor: Yes. I was wondering, if we were to get into it and drive off, what would you do? Priscilla: Nothing. The Doctor: Nothing? Priscilla: Nothing. The Doctor: Wouldn't raise the alarm? Shoot us? Priscilla: Nothing. The Doctor: You're right. It's booby-trapped. [SCENE_BREAK] Helen A's home [SCENE_BREAK] Helen: Did I leave you, my darling? Well, don't worry. I'm back now. [SCENE_BREAK] Waiting zone [SCENE_BREAK] Priscilla: What are you doing? The Doctor: Nothing. Priscilla: You're not thinking of starting that? Ace: No. Priscilla: Are you sure? The Doctor: Yes. Ace: Here, let me help. The Doctor: No, stop it. Ace: It's a bomb, isn't it? The Doctor: I'm trying to defuse it. Ace: Let me have a go. The Doctor: I'm trying not to get us blown to pieces. Ace: I never get to have any fun. The Doctor: Shush. The Doctor: Start the engine. You can drive. [SCENE_BREAK] Street [SCENE_BREAK] Ace: Any luck, Professor? The Doctor: I need a little more time. Ace: You've got it. Ace: Oi! Daisy: I arrest you for evasion of the Happiness Patrol auditions. Ace: Where are they? I'm ready for them. Question is, are they ready for me? Daisy: Take her back to the Happiness Patrol headquarters, and we'll continue to search for the spy. The Doctor: Ow! That's it. The Doctor: Ace? At least the Happiness Patrol left us in peace. Ace? [SCENE_BREAK] Patrol headquarters [SCENE_BREAK] Ace: I'm beginning to enjoy this. Susan: Oh, okay, stop that. That's no good. Do you know any jokes? Ace: I always forget jokes. Susan: Well, how about songs? Ace: Oh, I know this great song about this bloke and his girlfriend. She drops the ring he gives her on the railway track, and when he goes back to get it, she's killed by the train and he's really miserable for the rest of his life. Oh, it's fantastic. Susan: Happy songs, Ace. Songs about sunshine and furry animals. Susan: I woke up one morning. Ace: I know that song. Susan: There's a million blues songs start like that. But I did wake up one morning, and suddenly something was very clear. I couldn't go on smiling. Smiling while my friends disappeared, wearing this uniform and smiling and trying to pretend I'm something I'm not. Trying to pretend that I'm happy. Better to let it end. Better to just relax and let it happen. I woke up one morning and I realised it was all over. Ace: Look, I'm sorry. Susan: I think we'll abandon our rehearsal. Ace: I'm not Happiness Patrol material anyway. They stand for everything I hate. Like you said, smiling all the time, smiling when it doesn't mean anything. I'm not one of them. I can't play an instrument, I can't dance, I can't sing. Susan: No, but there is something you might be very good at. Ace: Oh, yeah? Susan: A disappearing act. Ace: What do I have to do? Susan: It's simple. I give you this key, then I close my eyes, and when I open them, you've gone. [SCENE_BREAK] Street [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to have a spare automotive jack on you, would you? Silas: Oh, I'm afraid not. But I can offer you the hand of friendship. Sit down, tell me about yourself. The Doctor: I'm looking for Helen A. Perhaps you would point me in the right direction? Silas: I can tell you where to find her, but when you meet her, make sure you're smiling. The Doctor: Smiling? Silas: She hates miserable people. Haven't you heard about the massacre, then? The Doctor: Yes, I have heard rumours. Silas: She sent her spies out to find the most depressing township on the planet. The Happiness Patrol went in and razed the place to the ground. The Doctor: But why? Silas: Policy. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to distress you. The Doctor: I'm not distressed, I'm angry. Why don't people stand up to her? Silas: Oh, lots of reasons. The Happiness Patrol, the Kandyman... The Doctor: Ah, the Kandyman. He's next on my list of people to see. Silas: Then I'd cross him off fast, if I were you. He's Helen A's henchman. Does all her dirty work. There are small pockets of resistance, though. Quiet murmurings of rebellion. Are you interested? The Doctor: Of course. Silas: There's a place, a secret place, where we're planning for the day when Helen A and the Kandyman will be called to account. Here, my card. The Doctor: Oh, thank you, Silas P. Silas: Other side. The Doctor: Happiness Patrol Undercover. Oh, excellent. Perhaps you could take a message? The Doctor: You must be a musician. Earl: Sort of. The Doctor: Your timing's good. Earl: We'd better go. Daisy: You look unhappy, Silas P. Silas: No! Wait! The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. Earl: Earl Sigma. The Doctor: A subtle musician. Earl: No, I'm really a medical student, fifth year post-med psychology. The Doctor: What does the Sigma stand for? Earl: It stand for alien. All visitors are called Sigma. The Doctor: And you're travelling through the colonies. Earl: I'm on vacation. Paid my way with music and I sort of got stuck here. The Doctor: It's an interesting planet from the psychological standpoint. Earl: Yeah. We gotta go. The Doctor: No, this way. There's someone I'd like to meet. [SCENE_BREAK] Kandy Kitchen [SCENE_BREAK] Earl: What is this place? The Doctor: I believe it's where they make sweets. [SCENE_BREAK] Street [SCENE_BREAK] Daisy: Halt or we fire! [SCENE_BREAK] Kandy Kitchen [SCENE_BREAK] Gilbert: They think it's easy. A thousand pounds of praline cracknel, indeed. They don't know his moods. He's terrible when he's roused. I keep telling them, but they won't believe me. They're lucky to get any sweets at all. Kandyman: Enough! Where are my specimens? Gilbert: If they think it's so easy they should have a go at making sweets themselves. They wouldn't know popcorn from peppermint. Kandyman: I said, where are my specimens? It's time for an experiment. Gilbert: I think they just slipped under the table. Kandyman: There's no one there. Gilbert: But I saw them. Kandyman: Show me! Gilbert: But I, I could have sworn they were under the table. Kandyman: I can feel one of my moods coming on. Kandyman: Welcome to the Kandy Kitchen, gentlemen. The Doctor: I'm sure the pleasure's all ours. Kandyman: I do hope so. I like my volunteers to die with smiles on their faces.

Plan: A: The Happiness Patrol; Q: Who walks the streets of Terra Alpha? A: the despotic Helen A.; Q: Who orders the Happiness Patrol to destroy all the killjoys? A: the Kandy Kitchen; Q: Where does something terrible lurk? Summary: The Happiness Patrol walk the streets of Terra Alpha, destroying all the killjoys, on the orders of the despotic Helen A. And in the Kandy Kitchen, something terrible lurks...

"How the Other Half Lives" 36th Episode of Roswell Production Code: 2ADA14 [SCENE_BREAK] [Episode opens with someone breaking into Michael's apartment and searching frantically for something, leaving a mess in his wake. His search comes to an end when he comes across a picture of Laurie Dupree.] [Scene switches to Michael and Maria spying on the Dupree estate] Michael: [looking through binoculars, to Maria, who is punching in numbers on a cell phone] Hey, we're here to keep an eye on Laurie. Would you stop making phone calls? Maria: [to Michael] It's official business. [into the phone] Liz! Hey, it's me again. Listen, um, how do you get tree sap out of fabric? I think I've ruined my top... Michael: You're wasting the battery. Maria: No, no. The black turtleneck...The cashmere one...I borrowed it from my mum, you know? ...I know...I know, right? It's tragic...[the lights go out in the house] It is...I'm still in the middle of nowhere with he who shall remain nameless [Michael yanks the phone away] Hey! Ow!! MICHAEL: [Switches off the phone] Let's go! [They sneak into the estate and hide by the pool as a security guard passes by.] Maria: You got any cool powers to take care of him? [Michael throws a rock into the bushes. As the guard goes to check out the noise, Michael and Maria slip into the house.] [Meanwhile, back in Roswell the Sheriff and Agent Duff pull over Grant Sorenson's car..] Duff: Step out of the car please. Grant: What the hell is this about? Jim: Brought you something you've wanted for a long time. Search warrant. [Jim starts to search the trunk while Duff talks to Grant] Duff: Can I ask you a few questions, Mr. Sorenson? Grant: Sure. Duff: [Shows him some papers] These are car rental receipts that you signed. Newcastle, Wyoming last July; Fort Collins, Colorado in August; and Las Cruces, New Mexico in September. Are these your signatures? Grant: Yeah, they might be. What the hell's this all about? Duff: Just questions for now. Why were you in those cities? Grant: Research. I've got records Duff: I'd appreciate looking at those. [Jim walks up with some gloves he found in the trunk] Jim: These your gloves? Grant: No. Jim: They were in your bag Grant: I've never seen those gloves before in my life. Agent Duff, I have no idea what this man has told you or what he has against me, but he has been persecuting me practically since the day I set foot in Roswell. And now he's planting things in my truck. Duff: How did you get those scratches on your neck? Grant: [visibly confused as he reaches up to touch the scratches] I, uh...I've no idea. [Duff and Jim exchange looks] [Back in Arizone, Maria and Michael find Laurie's room.] Michael: Hey. Just wanted to make sure you were okay. We're gonna help you. Laurie: My aunt and uncle need me to be crazy. Michael: What are you talking about? [Bobby and Meredith walk into the room with a guard] Bobby: Mr. Guerin! You and your, uh, accomplice with the, uh, lips...are trespassing. Meredith: That money we gave you was intended as a going-away present...as in, "take the money and GO AWAY." Bobby: Got it? Michael: Yeah. Meredith: [To the guard] James, please escort them to their car, and this time be SURE they drive away. [The guard leads Michael and Maria out of the room. As they leave Laurie curls up into a ball on the bed, looking frightened.] [OPENING CREDITS] [Tess, Isabel, Max and Liz are seated around the table at the Crashdown, discussing Larek's revelations about the crystals.] Max: His final words were to get off the planet. Isabel: Which isn't currently an option. Liz: Which is why we called this meeting, to figure out what our options are. Tess: And just so I'm clear, when Larek said that Earth was infected, wh-what exactly are we talking here? You know, a couple of acres? Couple of miles? Liz: Um, I think he was speaking a little more globally. [Brody enters and walks up to them] Max: Hey Brody, how you feeling? Larek: It's Larek...and although I've had a little more time to prepare this body for communication, I'm still having trouble keeping its heart beating, so I'll get right to it. The Gandarium are a genetically engineered life form, designed to bridge the DNA and RNA sequencing during third-stage amino synthesis. [Everyone looks to Liz for an interpretation] Liz: [to the others] No, uh, I'm lost too. [To Larek] Uh, it's way over our heads. Do you mind explaining it to us in simpler terms? Larek: Alright. Uh, let's say you want to create an alien-human hybrid. First, you get some alien cells, then you get some human cells. Normally they don't mix very well. You need something to help bridge the differences. That's where the Gandarium come in. In a controlled environment like on your ship, they're harmless, but released into an eco-system, the Gandarium will perform the only role they know: infect human cells. Isabel: But they're not infecting just any human cells... Tess: They seem to be focusing on one particular girl. Larek: Not every human is a candidate for hybridization. The genetic structure has to have...well, you would call it a flaw. It's very rare on Earth, fewer than one in 50 million people have it. Liz: That's why they're going after Laurie. She must have the defect. Max: What happens if they succeed in infecting Laurie? Larek: Once they've infected her, the Gandarium will mutate into a universal virus. She'll infect anyone she comes into contact with, human or otherwise. They in turn, will infect everyone they come into contact with. Eventually, she and every infected person on the planet will die. Max: How do we destroy them? Larek: Once they've infected the host, it's all over. Tess: [as the truth dawns on her] They didn't finish. The Gandarium didn't finish infecting Laurie. Isabel: She was buried right out there with the crystals. Liz: Wait. No, I think that Tess is right. That's why they're still coming after her. To complete the process. Larek: If that's true, then you may still have a chance. The Gandarium are hive-like, with workers, drones...even a Queen. The Queen is the only one that can infect the host. Find her, kill her, and the rest of the hive will die. Isabel: So the Queen will be in the hive? Larek: Not necessarily. [Stands up] I'll have to return this body to its home or it won't survive. Good luck...to you all. [Larek leaves] Max: The first thing we have to do is go back to Frazier Woods and find out how many more of these crystals are out there. Or rather, down there. And then we have to find a way to destroy them. Collect whatever digging equipment you can and meet outside in an hour. I'm going to call Kyle and Alex for more help. [Back in Arizona, Michael and Maria are at the Hall of Records checking out a file.] Michael: This is a STUPID idea. Maria: Think about it, Guerin. What do you think Laurie meant when she said that her aunt and uncle needed her to be crazy? Michael: Who knows? Maria: Well, I do. At least I have a hunch. Staff: [Successfully finds the deed from his cabinet and handing it to Maria] Deed of record for...11, Osborne Road? Maria: Thank you. Staff: Sign here please. Maria: [Signs the form] 'Kay. Here you go. Staff: Thank you. [Maria opens the file and scans it quickly. She begins to laugh as she finds what she's looking for.] Maria: Okay. Just start applauding right now. [Michael sarcastically claps] The Dupree estate is in Laurie's name, left to her by her grandfather. Michael: So what does that give us? Maria: Hmmm...a little thing called leverage. [Michael and Maria return to the Dupree estate and ring the bell] Intercom: Hello? Maria: Greetings. It's the team of Guerin and DeLuca again. Intercom: Wait right where you are. The police should be by to scoop you up in approximately ten minutes. Maria: Right, of course. Um, are Bobby and Meredith around? If they are, could you just have them come outside so that they could take a look at this? [Maria hold the deed of record up to the camera.] Intercom: One moment. Maria: Charmed, I'm sure. Michael: If it was me, I'd tell us to get screwed and call the cops anyways. Maria: That's 'cause you don't have any money Michael. People who do tend to get a little nervous when it's threatened. [Gate opens for them] [Back in Roswell, Kyle and Alex are digging away in Frazier's Woods] Alex: So is this the sixth or seventh hole we've dug today? Kyle: Hey, hey. I was kinda wondering what the hell you people were doing sophomore year. Alex: Ah, well, a lot of secret meetings, a lot of lying to authorities. Sometimes narrowly escaping gunfire...[Kyle looks worried] although generally that was pretty rare. Kyle: So what do we lowly human folk get out of all this? Alex: I'm not sure. Kyle: See, I guess what I have a problem with is that suddenly I'm a member of this club I never wanted to join. Alex: Yeah. Kyle: And it turns out this club bears a striking resemblance to a chain gang. [They continue digging. Alex suddenly hits something hard.] Alex: What the... Look at this. Kyle: What the hell man? It's some sort of cave. [Alex raises his arms in triumph] Alex: JACKPOT, BABY!! Whooh!! Yeah!! Alex Whitman, ladies and gentlemen! Uh-huh! Yeah! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [Comes back to earth as Kyle stares at him] Okay, well, time to put the shovel away, and uh, go find the others and tell Max. [Kyle looks at the hole speculatively, and then turns to Alex] Kyle: You comin'? Alex: [Thinks for just a moment before caving in] Sure. You first. Kyle: Okay. [Scene switches to the interior of the cave with the entrance at the top left corner. Kyle drops his bag down before coming down himself. Alex follows after. The walls of the cave are covered in clusters of the Gandarium.] Kyle: [Seeing the interior of the cave] Oh my God! [Shining his torchlight around the blue-coloured cave as Alex enters and coughs slightly] What do you suppose alien crystals are going for on eBay? Alex: [Laughing nervously] Alright, Columbus. You claimed the land for the Queen of Spain. What do you say we go tell the others? [As the crystals suddenly cover over the opening that they entered by, cutting out all sunlight] Oh, oh no! Oh, oh... Kyle: I don't know why I'm looking around. [As Alex starts to pant a little out of breath] I suppose stuff like this happens all the time? Right? Alex: Yeah, sure. [A short time later, Liz, Max, Tess and Isabel congregate at the place where Alex and Kyle were digging.] Liz: Find anything? Tess: Just a lot of rock. Max: There's nothing in grid point 23-27. Liz: [Checking her clipboard] Okay, then uh, you should move on to... Max: [Looking around for Alex and Kyle] Where are those guys? [They spot the crystals in the ground that covered up the hole Alex dug up] The crystals. Isabel: Oh. [Liz's cell phone rings as Max, Tess and Isabel put down their shovels and attempt to study the crystals a little closer.] [Scene jumps back and forth between Alex and Kyle in the cave and Liz, Max, Tess and Isabel above-ground as Liz and Kyle talk on the cell phone] Liz: Hello? Kyle: [Off-screen] Liz?! Liz: Yeah. Kyle: [Off-screen] It's me, Kyle! Liz: Yeah, Kyle. Where are you? Kyle: In the freaking nest!! Liz: [Her mouth opening in shock, she looks down at the crystals] Oh my God! [Pointing at the hole] You guys, they're IN there. Kyle: [Off-screen] Do you see the crystals? Liz: [As the alien trio get down on their knees around the hole] Yeah, yeah, we see the crystals. Kyle: They blocked us in here. Liz: [To the kneeling trio] Okay, um, you guys...you guys think that you can make an opening? Max: We can try. Isabel: Tell them to step as far away from the entrance as possible. Liz: Okay, uh, try to step as far away from the hole. Kyle: [As he and Alex move further into the cave] Come on, come on. Get a move, get a move. [Max, Isabel and Tess concentrate their powers to try to create an opening through the crystals, but they hold fast. Kyle and Liz are still on the line as they wait for any action.] Max: [As the trio gives up] Our powers don't work on these! Liz: [Clapping her hand over the cell phone mouthpiece] Are you sure? TESS: You're welcome to try! Kyle: Okay, what now? What are you doing? Liz: Um, they're just uh, you know...they're uh, [She has no idea what to say] they're taking a break! Kyle: [Incredulously] Break?! You know there's not that much air down here. Liz: Uh [Thinking through her options] Okay, um, we're...we're just gonna have to get back to you. Kyle: [Off-screen] Get back to us?! Liz: Breath shallow. Kyle: [Off-screen] Breath shallow?! [Liz hangs up] [To the alien trio] Liz: What now?! Max: Uh, Brody has some weird equipment in the back of the UFO Center. I think there...there's even a diamond saw in the storage locker. Liz: Okay, yeah. That could work, that could work. Isabel: I'll get it. [She runs off on her errand]. Max: Maybe we should dig another hole. Tess: Okay. [Liz drops her checklist to help with the digging as Tess moves to a spot a little off the original entrance to start digging a new hole.] Max: Parallel to where they're digging. See if we can tunnel in from the side. Liz: Where? Where? Tess: Here. Max: The side. Tess: Let's go, let's go. [They start to dig furiously] [Back at the Dupree estate, Meredith and Maria are having drinks poolside.] Meredith: So...Shall I have Carmen prepare for your departure tomorrow? Maria: You know, I think we're gonna stick around a little longer than that? So um, you can just tell Carmen not to knock herself out. MEREDITH: [Pouring herself some wine] You do know that we have power of attorney over Laurie? I love that girl like a daughter. Maria: Mm... Meredith: But, the girl is certifiable. And the doctors agree. So we could have you and the beatnik kicked out of here anytime we like. Maria: Then why haven't you? Meredith: Hm. Maria: [Pulling a big, leather bound checkbook from her bag] Maybe it's...uh, I don't know, because of the...[Flipping the book to a particular page] 1 million dollars you donated to the Pinecrest Psychiatric Institute to get them to say that Laurie was crazy? [She smiles knowingly] Meredith: [Smiles nervously knowing she's caught] Where did you get that? Maria: Oh, Laurie told me that I could go anywhere in the house that I pleased. So I looked at your desk. Meredith: Huh. Maria: Huh. [In Laurie's room, Michael is relaying the morning's events] Michael: So I realized I had to find some kind of leverage. I went to the courthouse had them look up files on this place and...bang, there it was. The deed with your name on it. So I threatened to call the police on Bobby and Meredith and have them arrested for trespassing and...Well...WE threatened to call the police cos Maria kinda helped. LAURIE: That's really smart. Michael: You know, well people with money. They tend to get nervous when it's threatened you know? [He scratches his eyebrow nervously] LAURIE: [Smiling suddenly] You look just like him when you did that. MICHAEL: Who? Laurie: Grandpa. He used to scratch his eyebrow just like you did. He even wore a ring on the same finger you do. Michael: What was he like? Laurie: A lot like you. Hard to read, lived in his own head. But kind. He's the only one in the family I ever felt safe with. [Pause] Would you like to meet him? [Laurie takes Michael down to the bomb shelter underneath the house. She switches on the lights and enters first. There are beds on both sides of the walls and wooden boxes filled with Grandpa's stuff. Michael flips through some books lying on top of one of the boxes.] Laurie: [Picking up a sweater and smelling it] You can still smell him. [Holds the sweater close to Michael to sniff] Indian River Pipe Tobacco. MICHAEL: [Flipping to a page with drawings of alien-like figures, big bald heads with black eyes and pointed ears.] He had an interest in aliens. LAURIE: Grandpa said they took him. [Michael looks enquiringly at her] He wouldn't talk about it. He'd just come down here to the bomb shelter and read for hours. [Her voice turns nostalgic] It was his sanctuary. [Coming back to reality] The older he got, the more he wanted to know what really happened to him. So he started talking. Aunt Meredith and Uncle Bobby used it to put him away. [She fingers a page filled with words written in a spiral pattern] Michael: It drove him crazy. Laurie: That's what I got from Grandpa...that and some bad blood. MICHAEL: [Questioningly] Bad blood? Laurie: Uh, a bad chromosome actually. It's what they call a recessive genetic defect. Michael: [To himself] That's why they want you. Laurie: [As she keeps the sweater back in the box] What? Michael: [To Laurie] Nothing. Laurie: [Pulling out a worn wedding dress from the same box] This is Grandma's. I never met her. Michael: What was her name? Laurie: Ada-Jane. She's dead too. [Sighing, he scratches his eyebrow, then stops self-consciously when he notices Laurie staring.] Laurie: Can't fight who we are Michael. You're Grandpa's legacy, and [her voice dropping] I'm crazy. Michael: [Pulling Laurie by the shoulders to face him] You are NOT crazy. What happened to you was REAL. I mean, you have a right to live your life. Bobby and Meredith have tried to take that away from you, but it's yours. Just like this house is yours. Now look, I'm not what you would call an optimist. Life sucks. People suck. That's reality. But you're special. You're a good person and you deserve better than to be locked up in an institution because it's more convenient for your aunt and uncle. This is YOUR life, and this is YOUR house. [Michael's words seem to sink into Laurie.] [Scene: UFO Center - exterior and nighttime. Cuts to the interior where Isabel has entered Brody's secret room.] Isabel: [Locating the equipment needed] Oh! [She starts to dismantle the equipment when a masked stranger comes from behind to cover her mouth with a chloroform-filled napkin. Isabel struggles, but soon passes out. The stranger then pulls off his mask -- it's Grant Sorenson.] [Scene: Highway - nighttime. A vehicle is driving along the road. Camera cuts to the interior of the car to show Grant driving, and Isabel lying unconscious in the passenger seat. He reaches over to touch Isabel, but suddenly pulls back as he seems to struggle with himself.] Grant: Things I know. Two times two is four. Gato is Spanish for cat. My middle name is Ellis. [As Isabel stirs] A mineral with a high Mohs number will scratch a mineral with a low number. The scale is not linear. [Isabel is now fully awake and looks at Grant as he looks back at her.] Isabel: [Softly] Grant... Grant: [His speech becoming slurred] I'm not doing so good Isabel. That Agent...from the FBI... Isabel: Agent Duff? Grant: Y...I know her name! Okay?! I know things!! She said I went to Wyoming. She asked if I stole a gun there. I DON'T REMEMBER! When I try to remember, it just gets worse. [His voice beginning to break with panic] You're the only one I trust Isabel. You have to help me. Isabel: [Looking towards the back] Okay. [In a stronger voice] Okay, I will. Just pull the car over and we'll get you some fresh air. Grant: Did I get shot? Huh? ISABE: That WAS you. Grant: When'd I get these scratches on my neck? I don't know. Here's another one: Why am I driving to Tucson? I DON'T KNOW! [In a piteous voice] Help me Isabel...PLEASE. [Drifting off again] Things I know. My birthday is December seventh. Sedimentary rocks cover 75 percent of the earth's land surface... 75 percent of the earth's land surface... [Commercial break. Scene returns to the car, with Grant a little calmer now] Isabel: When did this all start happening? Grant: Hard to say. Uh, I uh, have gaps in time. I think it was...when I started digging out near Pohlman Ranch...some time last summer. Found these weird crystals... Isabel: Oh my God. Oh God, Larek said there was a Queen. Grant: What? Isabel: Oh God...Look, Grant. You're going to be alright. Your body has been...has been taken over by something. Grant: What kind of...thing? Isabel: It's hard to explain, but it must have happened when you were digging. God, it was the Gandarium. They must have been in the water tab... Grant: [Losing his cool and shouting] I don't know what that means, okay?! I'm losing it here! Isabel: Grant... Grant: Why is this happening to me? I'm a good person... Isabel: I know. Grant: [Looking at Isabel] Do you? Isabel: Yes. Grant: [Starts to shiver and shake uncontrollably] I have to kill you, but I don't wanna. There's a cell phone in my coat pocket. Grab the phone Isabel. NOW. Isabel: Okay, okay. [She looks around the car nervously as Grant pulls over to the side of the road and tries to plead with him] Grant... Grant: Get out of the car. Isabel: No. Grant: [Shouting] GET OUT OF THE CAR!! Isabel: [Unbuckling her seat belt and nearly tearing up] I can't help you if you don't... Grant: Please...get out of the car. Isabel: [As she gets out] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Sorry! [Grant drives off] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Valenti household. The kitchen phone rings and Jim hurries to pick it up. Intercut with scenes of Isabel still out in the pouring rain, along the highway where Grant dropped her off.] Jim: Hello. Isabel: Oh, Sheriff Valenti, thank God. Thank God. Grant is definitely the kidnapper, but it's not his fault. The Queen...and it possessed him somehow. Jim: Possessed by the what?! Isabel: The crystals. The...the aliens. The important thing is he's after Laurie and he'll be in Tucson in a few hours. [As Jim scribbles down the details] You have to stop him. Jim: Alright. Wait a minute, where are you? Isabel: He left me by the side off the road somewhere. But don't worry. I'll...I'll find a ride. Jim: What do you mean 'you'll get a ride'? You can't get into a car with just anybody... Isabel: Sheriff, I am the last person on Earth who has to worry about getting into a car with strangers. Trust me. Just get to Laurie before he does. PLEASE. Jim: Isabel... Isabel: Sheriff...Sheriff... Jim: Isabel...Hello? Hel... [Heavy static break up their connections.] [Scene: Nighttime Frazier Woods. It's raining cats and dogs with thunder and lightning. Max, Liz and Tess are furiously digging to free the two trapped in the cave. Scene switches to the interior where Alex and Kyle are singing to entertain themselves. Kyle is also playing with a piece of the crystal and a glass bottle.] [Colin Hanks & Nick Wechsler - American Pie] Alex/Kyle: [Singing] February made me shiver/With ever paper I'd deliver [Kyle places the crystal into the bottle] ...Bad news on the doorstep/I couldn't take one more step [Kyle lights a match and watches it burn] ...I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride/But something touched me deep inside the day the music died... Kyle: [Places the still glowing match into the bottle and screws on the cap] Die sucker. Alex/Kyle: So bye, bye Miss American Pie [Kyle places the bottle to one side and forgets about it] ...drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry/Them good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and rye/Singin' this'll be the day that I die [As the enclosed crystal suddenly goes into a frenzy] ...This will be the day that I d... Kyle: [Getting up from his seat with the commotion] Man, look at that! Alex: Woah! Oh my God! Kyle: What? [They stare at the piece of crystal that has seemed to die.] Alex: Look at that... [Scene switches to Liz listening to Kyle over the cell phone.] Liz: [Over the rolling thunder] Wai...Okay, wait, wait, let me get this straight. You said uh, that you used a bottle? Kyle: Yeah. Liz: Was the cap ON or OFF? Kyle: Well, I put it on, then it tried to escape. Liz: 'Kay, but you were heating it the whole time. And the crystals died once you put the cap on. Kyle: Yeah, just after, yeah. Liz: 'Kay, well. That's it. You burned all of the oxygen in the bottle and suffocated it. [Kyle raises a fist to Alex as a sign of hope.] Tess: Then...then all we need to do is get the oxygen out of there. Max: And then THEY die too. [Liz and Tess stare at Max, realizing the futility of their situation.] [Scene: Dupree Estate - nighttime. Laurie's swimming in the pool, while Maria and Michael are sitting by the poolside on lawn chairs in white, fluffy bathrobes watching her ] Maria: I can't believe she's actually smiling. What did you say to her? MICHAEL: I just listened to her. [Maria smiles at him] What do you think I should call her? Grand-daughter? DNA clone? Maria: I'd go with sister. The whole grand-daughter thing really creeps me out. Michael: [As he stares at Laurie swimming happily in the pool] I have a sister. That is so weird. Maria: Oh! By the way, Meredith and Bobby are EVIL. They're EE-VIL!! They PAID Pinecrest to keep Laurie out of their hair. Can you believe they would ruin her life so that they could live here like rich bastards? MICHAEL: Shallow, shallow people. [As Carmen comes from behind with the phone on a silver platter for Michael] Maria: Mm-hmm. Michael: Carmen. [Turns then just in time to see her] I think it's kind of a Braveheart night, and tell the kitchen we'll be ready to dine at about 7. CARMEN: Yes sir. This one is for you sir. [Placing the phone before him] Michael: [Reaching for the phone] Thank you. [Into the phone] Hello? [Intercut with scenes of the gang at Frazier Woods] Max: [Off-screen] Michael, it's Max. [As Tess and Liz continue digging] The crystals can't live without oxygen. Michael: [Off-screen] Okay. Max: That's how we can stop it. Michael: Well, I got a newsflash for you Maxwell. There are no crystals around here. Max: So Laurie's safe? Michael: She's under my constant watch. I'm not even sleeping. [Off-screen] How are things with you? Max: Tired. It's been a long couple of days. Michael: Yeah, tell me about it. [Carmen approaches with the DVD player] Max: [Off-screen] It's been raining pretty hard here. Michael: [To Carmen as he takes the player] Thank you. Max: [Off-screen] Morale's a little low. Michael: Ah...Max, I gotta take another patrol round the perimeter... Max: [Off-screen] Talk later. Michael: Okay. [Hangs up, then turns around] Oh, Carmen. Can I get some iced tea please? [Indicating to Maria] For the both of us? [Michael and Maria settle down to watch the DVD] [Scene: Sheriff's Office - interior. Agent Duff's doing some paperwork when Jim enters.] Jim: We need a plane. Duff: [A shocked expression on her face] Pardon me? Jim: Sorenson is halfway to Tucson. We gotta get there before he does. DUFF: How do you know this? Jim: Listen, we work together or we don't. You gotta trust me. We HAVE to get to Tucson now. Duff: I'll call the Arizona Field Office and tell them we need back up. [She reaches for the phone, but Jim stops her.] Jim: No. Agent Duff, there's something you that need to know. [She hangs up the phone] Before this is over, you may see some things you won't be able to explain. As a matter of fact, you won't WANT to. [Bending down to see her eye to eye] You told me once, you appreciated honesty. Well, here it is. If you tell the Bureau what we're about to do, you KILL your career. Duff: [Sitting back in her chair] What are you talking about? Jim: You gotta trust me. You'll follow my lead and be VERY selective with what you put in your final report. [Standing up and handing her the phone] Now get us a plane. [Scene: Dupree Residence - Dining Room. Half the room has windows with a single crystal chandelier hanging over the dining table. Michael's seated to the left end of the table, Maria to the right, and Laurie in the center facing the screen. They having a feast of a dinner] Maria: This fish is delightful. Michael, isn't this food delightful? MICHAEL: [Talking with his mouth full] It's delightful. Laurie: Yeah, this is the first time I've felt at home at this dinner table since my grandfather died. Michael: Chicken's tasty but it's kinda puny. Meredith: [Entering with Robert in formal wear] It's not chicken. It's squab stuffed with foie gras and black truffles with a pinot noir glaze. BOBBY: Oh my God, they're using the good crystal. Meredith: We have a charity event at the Governor's Residence and it's the staff's night off. But I've asked them to prepare a full seven-course extravaganza in hopes it will keep you two from snooping around in anymore of our personal effects. Maria: Aw, thank you, Mer. Bobby: And please keep in mind that you're having your soda pop out of nineteenth century Bavarian Crystal. Michael: I'll keep that in mind Bobby. [Meredith and Bobby head for the door as Michael release a loud burp] Meredith: [Under her breath as they exit] Please, God. Let at least one of them choke on a pigeon bone. Maria: I think she's right. I'm gonna need another root beer. [She rings a little bell near her plate] Carmen! Um, I think the um, the pint noir glaze is getting me a little dry. Could you haul over another root beer please? [Smiles cheerfully at Michael wolfing down his food] Haul it over. [When she gets no response, she rings the bell again...agitatedly] CARMEN! [Starts on her food again] Michael...Could you be a dear and see about the beverage situation? Michael: I'm eating. Maria: [Sends him a dark look] Michael... [Scene: Michael exits the dining area and heads for the kitchen. When he enters, the place is darkened and he makes out Carmen's form sitting on a chair facing away from him.] Michael: [Just exiting the dining room] Carmen...[Entering the kitchen and moving to face her] Carmen... [Michael's face registers shock and horror as he finds Carmen dead with her throat slashed.] [Scene switches back to the Dupree dining room. Michael returns to the room nervously and gathers the girls.] Maria: [Seeing Michael's return] Hey, I thought you were gonna go get the um... Michael: [Pulling Maria by her arm off her chair] Get up. Maria: [Sensing his panic] What's going on? Michael: [Moving towards Laurie] Take her some place safe right now. LAURIE: [Bolting off her chair] Oh my God. They're here... Michael: [Catching hold of Laurie by the arms] Woah, Laurie, Laurie. It's alright, I'm gonna take care of it. [To Maria] Take her now. Maria: Okay, what are you gonna do? Michael: Just go! Maria: Michael! Michael: Maria... [Maria rushes out of the room with Laurie.] [Scene: Michael moves out into the hallway via another entrance. He starts moving down the hallway - towards the camera - looking for the intruder. Hearing a sound coming from behind him, he turns. Camera reverses angle to reveal an empty hallway as Michael moves towards the sound. Looking up the nearby stairs, Michael is suddenly shot from behind. As he crumples to the ground, we see that the intruder is Grant. Tucking the gun into his belt, he seeks out the girls.] [Scene: Deserted highway. Isabel has managed to flag down a ride.] Isabel: [To unseen driver] Hi, can I just get a ride to Tucson? [Scene: Dupree residence - bomb shelter. Maria and Laurie are running down the stairs to get to the shelter before Grant can chase up with them. They try to close the badly rusted door to slow down Grant.] Maria: [Pushing on the door] Help me Laurie! [As the girls struggle with the door] It's stuck! [Scene: Dupree residence - kitchen. Jim and Agent Duff have just entered and discovered Carmen's body. They draw their guns and make their further progress with caution. They discover the bloodied Michael lying in the hallway with a shoulder bullet wound.] Jim: [Crouching beside the injured guy] Michael... Michael: [With difficulty] They're back there...Back there! GO! [Jim and Agent Duff leave him in the hallway while they look for Grant and the girls.] [Scene: Bomb Shelter. Maria and Laurie are still struggling with the door just as Grant makes his way down the stairs. Holding up the gun, Grant enters as the girls back further into the room.] Maria: Grant! Grant! Hey it's me, Maria DeLuca. I'm Isabel's friend. Really, really good friend. [As Grants lunges for Laurie] No wait... [Laurie screams as Grant catches her by her hair and holds her hostage to the just arriving Jim and Agent Duff.] Jim: [Holding his aim on Grant] Sorenson! You don't wanna do this... DUFF: Put the gun down and step away from the girl. Laurie: [Weeping] Don't let him put me back in the ground... Duff: No one's going anywhere. Put the gun down NOW. Grant: [Releasing a cry of pain] I wanna but I can't! You have to stop me! Jim: [Approaching Grant very, VERY slowly] Listen to me...We're gonna help you, I promise. Just put the gun down. [Grant drops Laurie as a sudden pain shoots through his head. Laurie quickly crawls to Jim and co.] Jim: Good, good. Now just drop the gun. Everything will be alright. GRANT: [Shaking his head to try to clear his head] No! NO! You have to kill me. Jim: Grant, I'm gonna help you. [Gradually lowering his own gun] I promise, you can trust me. Look, I'm gonna walk over there. [As he takes a step towards Grant] See? Grant: Ah, ah! IT'S GOT TO STOP! [He raises his gun to open fire and Agent Duff shoots him first] [Grant collapses on one of the bed, facing up. As Laurie tries to recover from shock, Agent Duff approaches Grant's body warily with her gun still raised.] Jim: [To the girls] You alright? [Just as Agent Duff reaches out a hand to check for a pulse, Grant's chest cavity opens up to reveal a cluster of Gandarium crystals. This causes everyone to scramble in fright. A shape starts to emerge from the cluster as the group watch on, frozen in fear. Michael, just coming down the stairs, shouts for everyone to get out of the room.] Michael: Everybody out! NOW! NOW! Jim: [When Agent Duff remains frozen to the spot] Come on! [They close the door, locking the jellyfish-shaped object that has formed] Maria: Okay, whatever you're gonna do, do it quick! That thing looks pissed! [Michael raises his uninjured arm to the ventilation shaft by the door and uses his powers to draw all the air out of the bomb shelter. The Gandarium object starts pinballing around the room.] Jim: [To Michael] What did you do? Michael: Max said they need oxygen to live. So I just sucked all the air out. [As the humans and alien watch on, the Gandarium Jellyfish charges at the door like a crazed bull, only to smash into a pulpy mess on the window of the door.] Michael: Simple. Laurie: So it's...it's over? Jim: Guess that depends on what happens to the rest of the crystals. [Scene: Inside the Gandarium cave. Alex and Kyle are lying on the ground, head to head, shining their flashlights around their enclosed space.] Alex: So this is how it ends... Kyle: Somehow this is NOT how I pictured it. Alex: It was hell of a ride though. Kyle: I guess. Alex: I mean, think about it. We not only MET aliens, but they killed us. [As Kyle turns his flashlight on Alex] How many people can say that? KYLE: You're getting delirious, is that it? Alex: Nah, take...take a step away from your life, Kyle. You know, I mean, you're part of this...this amazing thing. This...amazing knowledge that you HAVE that 6 BILLION people on this planet don't. You really want to step out of this cave if it meant that you were gonna be another dumb jock? Kyle: [After some silence] You know what, I wouldn't. [The crystals start to melt. Alex is the first to notice, then Kyle releases a sharp shout of horror as some of the liquid drips on him] Kyle: Ah, ah!! [Jumping to an upright sitting position] They're attacking! Oh no!! Alex: No, no no no no no. No no no no no. They...they're...they're...they're dying. [Beginning to break into joyous laughter] They're...they're dying. Kyle: [Uncertainly] Dying? Alex: They're dying! Kyle: I mean...[Raising his hands in triumph] DYING! Alex: Dying! [Scene: Frazier Woods - nighttime outside of the Gandarium cave where Liz, Max and Tess are still digging to create another opening for Alex and Kyle. The two guys suddenly pop out of the opening formerly covered by the crystals, covered in mud. The girls start shrieking as they help the guys out.] Kyle: I'm back! Alex: [Reaching up to Max and Liz] Pull me up! [As Max and he stare at one another in joy] I love you man! Liz: Wait, wait, wait. What happened? What happened? What happened? KYLE: I'll tell you what must have happened. Liz: Okay... Kyle: Since Alex and I figured out how to kill the queen, and Max told Michael, Michael must have killed the queen. So all the crystals died. And they fell on us cos they're dead. Which means we must have saved the world! Alex: Yeah! [The group release whoops of joy and hi-five one another] I think our job here is done... and I need to take a shower. Liz: Let's go home!! Come on! Come on! Grab the shovel! Let's go! Let's go! [They run off towards the cars] [Scene: Bomb shelter. Grant's body is still lying on the bed where he collapsed after getting shot. Isabel opens the door and enters. She grabs a blanket lying on the bed nearby and covers Grant's body with it. She crouches down by the wall near him.] Isabel: [Heaving a deep, sad sigh] Oh God, I'm sorry. [After a long pause] I'm just gonna sit for a while, okay? Just sit here so you're not...alone. [Scene: Dupree kitchen. Jim and Agent Duff are sitting by the counter, having drinks and discussing all that has transpired.] Duff: So looks like I have two options. Tell the truth about everything I've seen, or write a false report and commit a felony. Jim: Not very attractive options. Duff: [Sighing] I know. Jim: I always took a very legal approach to my job. If I couldn't put it in a report, or swear to it in a court of law, in MY mind [Looking meaningfully at Agent Duff] it never happened. Duff: Just walk away? Jim: [Nodding slightly] That would be my advice. Sometimes it's better just to walk away with your victories. [Scene: Dupree Dining Room. Maria is tenderly tending to Michael's shoulder wound.] Maria: Brave...[Kiss on the forehead] Handsome...[Kiss on the nose] hero...[Kiss on the lips]. Michael: [Wincing slightly at the pain] Wounded hero. I gotta get back to Roswell...let Maxwell work on that shoulder. Maria: Alright, whenever you're ready, Spaceboy. Michael: Maria, let me ask you something. Maria: Mm. Michael: [Obviously having a lot on his mind] What would you think if Laurie moved in with me? [Maria's face registers shock, but she holds her tongue as he continues] I mean, like we said, she's kind of my sister. Maria: She is. Michael: Yeah...but after all she's been through, she probably needs some peace and quiet. Maria: Probably. Michael: And a chance to get away from all the alien stuff and...if she lived with me...well...I'm kinda a magnet for the intergalactic trouble. Maria: Yeah... Michael: What's gonna happen to her? We can't leave her here with these freaks. Maria: Well, that's something we can handle. All we need is a lawyer. [She kisses him] [In the Dupree living room. Robert, Laurie and Meredith are seated facing a lawyer while Michael and Maria are standing by the fireplace watching the proceedings. The lawyer hands out documents for Robert and Meredith to sign.] [Scene swithces to the exterior of the Dupree Estate where Michael and Maria are leaving hand in hand, with Laurie watching them go.] [Scene switches to Michael's apartment. Camera shows a picture of Laurie and a hand reaching out for the photo. Camera pans away to reveal Michael turning the photo frame to get a better look. Episode ends with Maria and Michael sharing a hug while looking at Laurie's photo ]

Plan: A: Max; Q: Who tries to stop Alex and Kyle from being buried alive? A: glowing blue crystals; Q: What is the cave filled with? A: Isabel; Q: Who is kidnapped by Grant Sorenson? A: Michael; Q: Who is shot while trying to protect Laurie? Summary: Max tries to stop Alex and Kyle from being buried alive in a cave filled with glowing blue crystals; Isabel is kidnapped by Grant Sorenson possessed by the alien parasite queen; Michael is shot while trying to protect Laurie..

THE EVIL OF THE DALEKS Original Broadcast Date: May 20, 1967 Repeated: June 8, 1968 Total Running Time: 25:20 [SCENE_BREAK] INTRODUCTORY SCENE - TARDIS CONTROL ROOM DOCTOR: Now, as I remember Zoe, it all started when Jamie and I discovered somebody making off with the TARDIS. ZOE: Well, what about those Daleks you showed me? DOCTOR: We're coming to that, Zoe. Just let me show you the story from the beginning. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 1 - HANGAR, GATWICK AIRPORT (Unable to catch the lorry driving off with the TARDIS on its bed, the DOCTOR and JAMIE go into the hangar, where a man in overalls is sitting, listening to a radio.) DOCTOR: Jamie! JAMIE: The TARDIS! Doctor! (The DOCTOR attempts to speak above the radio, which is almost deafeningly loud.) DOCTOR: Excuse me! HALL: Eh? DOCTOR: I wonder if you could help us? HALL: My mate likes the wireless turned on at full blast. (He gestures to an old battered radio sitting on a nearby bench.) HALL: I have to keep this turned down. (He indicates his hearing aid.) DOCTOR: Oh, I see. (HALL turns the wireless down as JAMIE speaks.) JAMIE: Who's taken the TARDIS? DOCTOR: He means the police telephone box. HALL: He said 'TARDIS' or something. DOCTOR: Yes. Well, TARDIS... That's, uh... That's another name for it. HALL: Oh, foreign is he? JAMIE: Me, foreign? You're the one that's foreign! I'm Scottish! DOCTOR: Uh, that's right. TARDIS is a... is a Gaelic word. (He whispers to JAMIE.) Jamie, hush! JAMIE: (Whispering back.) It's getting further away all the time! DOCTOR: Yes, I know. (He turns back to address HALL.) DOCTOR: Well anyway, it's... it's our property and we've come to collect it. HALL: Oh, you mean the... (We witness KENNEDY, sitting several hundred feet away in a large open field, listening to the conversation over a radio-transmitter, and hear it from his viewpoint.) HALL: (OOV.) ...uh, the police box? DOCTOR: (OOV.) Yes! HALL: (OOV.) Yeah. Well, uh... Well, that's gone. JAMIE: (OOV.) Oh, we... (We once again hear the conversation from inside the hangar.) JAMIE: ...know it's gone. That's the whole point. Its ours and somebody's stolen it! HALL: Ah, well, I don't know about that. I got a note here somewhere. (He searches through the huge amount of paperwork around him and locates a clipboard with many, many yellowed pages and one very clean blue piece of paper on top of them.) HALL: Yeah, here we are. There. (Reads from the page.) "Police Tel. Box. Collection: 3 o'clock". DOCTOR: Let me see this please. HALL: Been signed for. DOCTOR: Oh, yes. So I see. Er... "J Smith". Doesn't really help us, does it? HALL: Yeah. Well, I just do what I'm told. Better see the airport commandant or someone. DOCTOR: Oh, no. I... I don't think we'd better do that. Um, Jamie, I think we'd better talk to the police. (HALL begins to appear worried.) HALL: Of course I, um... I do know the name of the firm what picked it up. JAMIE: You do?! HALL: Yeah, firm name of, uh... Leatherman. (The DOCTOR starts to drag JAMIE off as JAMIE ponders the name.) DOCTOR: (To HALL.) Thank you very much. You'll be hearing from us. JAMIE: Leatherman. Now that's a clue. Just a minute. Now, what street do they...? Doctor, wait! (They leave the hangar. HALL pulls his "hearing aid", which is actually a R/T, out of his pocket and speaks to KENNEDY.) HALL: Did you get all that? KENNEDY: Every word. We'd better get going. Get your money back at the warehouse. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR THE HANGAR JAMIE: We should have followed that clue he gave us. DOCTOR: Perhaps. I think we'd better keep an eye on him. JAMIE: Why? DOCTOR: Well, didn't you notice his overalls? They were much too small for him, and the top sheet of his clipboard was different to all the others, and when we mentioned the police, he became friendly! JAMIE: Aye. Hey, may... (The DOCTOR sees HALL approaching and quickly pulls JAMIE and himself behind some machinery. HALL is no longer wearing overalls, and instead has a neat jacket on. They follow him as he leaves the hangar.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 3 - LARGE OPEN FIELD (KENNEDY talks into his transmitter.) KENNEDY: Kennedy to base. Kennedy to base. Do you read me? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 4 - THE HOME OF WATERFIELD (We now see and hear from the viewpoint of EDWARD WATERFIELD, a middle-aged man wearing a dark old-fashioned suit.) KENNEDY: (OOV.) Kennedy to base. Do you read? WATERFIELD: Yes. KENNEDY: (OOV.) The Doctor and his friend are following Bob Hall. WATERFIELD: I knew they would suspect him. KENNEDY: (OOV.) I'll go on to the warehouse. WATERFIELD: Very good, Mr Kennedy. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 5 - NEAR THE AIRPORT CAR PARK (JAMIE and the DOCTOR, still in pursuit of HALL, see him get into a car and drive off.) DOCTOR: That's him. There he goes. JAMIE: Oh, no! (They hail a taxi and the DOCTOR speaks to the driver.) DOCTOR: For hire! JAMIE: Eh? DOCTOR: Follow that car! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 6 - THE HOME OF WATERFIELD (WATERFIELD sits at a desk, pen in hand. A knock is heard on the door.) WATERFIELD: Yes? PERRY: Perry, sir. WATERFIELD: Oh, uh... One moment Mr. Perry. (WATERFIELD puts down his pen and unbolts the door very carefully, as if he is concerned he will break it.) PERRY: It's here. WATERFIELD: Good. PERRY: Like me to open the shutters, sir? Lovely day outside. WATERFIELD: I have a choice between the sun or noise, Mr Perry. I regret shutting out one, but at least I keep out the other. (PERRY now notices a pedestal clock on the table nearby.) PERRY: Yes. I say! That's very good. Just come in, eh? Mint condition. Eighteen, uh, seventy. Is it? WATERFIELD: Approximately. PERRY: Don't know who your contacts are, sir, but this is marvellous! WATERFIELD: Well, Victorian timepieces are my speciality, Mr. Perry. PERRY: Wish you'd tell me who makes them for you, sir. WATERFIELD: But then you would be as wise as I, and that wouldn't do at all, would it? PERRY: Whoever makes them, Mr. Waterfield, they'd fool an expert. If I didn't know it was impossible, I would say it was absolutely genuine. WATERFIELD: And, uh, there was no trouble with the box? PERRY: Apparently not. A bit out of our line, isn't it, sir? A battered old police box? WATERFIELD: The whims and caprices of our patrons is our line, Mr Perry. PERRY: Hmm. Odd though. WATERFIELD: Mr Perry, I pay you the sum of 50 guineas per week, do I not? PERRY: Pounds, actually sir. 50 pounds. WATERFIELD: Yes, uh... I hope I may be forgiven if I believe that entitles me to demanding less curiosity of you. PERRY: Sorry, sir. WATERFIELD: It is, I think you will agree, a princely salary. PERRY: No complaints on that score. Long as I'm not asked to do anything dicey. WATERFIELD: "Dicey?" PERRY: Crooked. Illegal. WATERFIELD: Your candor is refreshing, Mr. Perry, even if your judgement of character is somewhat questionable. PERRY: I didn't mean that... WATERFIELD: (Cuts him off.) I know perfectly well what you meant. You may rest assured, I shall not ask you to do anything "dicey." PERRY: No, sir. WATERFIELD: I think you are wanted in the shop, Mr. Perry. PERRY: And the, um... the telephone box, uh... (Laughs.) What do we do with it? WATERFIELD: Do? We do nothing. PERRY: Oh, right. (He leaves.) WATERFIELD: Nothing, except wait. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 7 - EXTERIOR, A WAREHOUSE (Having pursued HALL from Gatwick, the DOCTOR and JAMIE finally catch up with his car outside a warehouse just north of London's Kings Cross Station.) DOCTOR: This is his car. He must be around here somewhere. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 8 - INTERIOR THE WAREHOUSE (HALL has just arrived, to be met by KENNEDY.) KENNEDY: You sure you weren't followed? HALL: No! Course I wasn't. Hey, you haven't told me what this little caper's about yet, uh, Kennedy. KENNEDY: Counted the money yet then, have ya? HALL: No, not yet. KENNEDY: Or do you think I made a mistake giving ya two-fifty instead of seventy-five? We thought you might like a little extra. HALL: What for? KENNEDY: You know those two at the hangar? HALL: Yeah? KENNEDY: They're outside. (He takes on a mocking tone.) KENNEDY: You weren't followed! (He shows him a truncheon.) KENNEDY: We'll be ready for them, won't we? That's what the extra's for. HALL: Now listen... KENNEDY: (Cuts him off.) You on one side of the door, me on the other. Right? Straight over their heads. They won't even know what hit them. HALL: Ah, not me, mate. KENNEDY: It's a bit late to argue, isn't it? They're outside. HALL: Now listen, I'm not getting mixed up in no kidnapping, and that's flat! (HALL turns to leave, but KENNEDY knocks him out before he can get to the door.) HALL: Oh, dear... [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 9 - EXTERIOR THE WAREHOUSE JAMIE: Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, have you tried the door? (JAMIE opens the door. They go in and find HALL, who appears to be unconscious.) DOCTOR: Man in the overalls! It's all right. He's alive. (They attempt to rouse HALL, who struggles to sit up.) HALL: Oh, dear... (Moans.) Where's Ken... DOCTOR: Ken? Ken who? JAMIE: Make him tell us where the TARDIS is! (HALL lapses back into apparent unconsciousness.) DOCTOR: No good, he's out cold. See if we can find some water somewhere. Hello, this is something. This really is something. (He notices the makeshift table and the pile of money intended for HALL.) DOCTOR: But, why pay him to help steal the TARDIS and then knock him on the head? JAMIE: Well, why steal the TARDIS anyway? DOCTOR: That's what's been bothering me, Jamie, too. (Having searched only half-heartedly, JAMIE returns to look at what the DOCTOR has found.) JAMIE: There's no water here. Hey, that looks a lot of money, Doctor. DOCTOR: It's between two and three hundred pounds. Yes, it is a lot, at least for what he had to do - put on a pair of overalls and just hang around. Come to think of it, why hang around? He was obviously planted. Why not just go off in the lorry? (Glancing over, he notices a pack of cigarettes and a matchbook sitting on the window sill. He also notices a half-smoked hand-rolled cigarette on the floor beside HALL.) JAMIE: You found something else? DOCTOR: I don't know. (He searches HALL's pockets, finding rolling papers and a tin of tobacco.) DOCTOR: Yes, this man rolled his own cigarettes, so these must belong to somebody else. That's a fair assumption. (A train whistle and the grinding of wheels can be heard from outside the warehouse. JAMIE is obviously shaken by it.) JAMIE: What's that? DOCTOR: It's all right. It's only a train. JAMIE: A what? DOCTOR: Well, it's a train. There are carriages and they go on wheels, on rails, and they're drawn by a stea... (While JAMIE and THE DOCTOR are busy, HALL gets up and starts to sneak out of the warehouse. JAMIE sees him just as HALL opens the door.) DOCTOR: Hey, come back! (HALL gets out of the door, barring it behind himself. JAMIE tries to open it, but is unable to.) JAMIE: Well, give us a hand! (The DOCTOR helps, and together they are able to open the door, but by this time, HALL is nowhere to be found.) JAMIE: Aw, not a sign of him. The only chance we had. DOCTOR: There is this... (He shows JAMIE the matchbook he had found in HALL's pockets and reads the name written on them.) DOCTOR: "The Tricolour". It's a coffee bar apparently. And that's not all. JAMIE: Well, what else? (The DOCTOR then shows JAMIE the inside of the matchbook.) DOCTOR: Well, normally people pull out their matches from right to left. These have been torn out from left to right. JAMIE: What does that mean? DOCTOR: It means we've got to find a coffee bar called "The Tricolour" and look for a man called Ken or Kenneth - someone who's left-handed. JAMIE: Now we've got something to go on! DOCTOR: But it's so little, Jamie. It's too little. He might only have been there once. There's no guarantee he'll ever go there again. JAMIE: Now, don't give up Doctor. Remember Bruce. DOCTOR: Bruce? JAMIE: Robert Bruce. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 10 - SITTING ROOM, IN THE HOME OF WATERFIELD (KENNEDY is reporting back to WATERFIELD.) KENNEDY: Look, I told... WATERFIELD: (Cuts him off.) They were not aware that you were watching? KENNEDY: No, they were too busy trying to work it all out. WATERFIELD: Good. KENNEDY: That Bob Hall was a bit of a problem. I didn't think he'd turn nasty. WATERFIELD: You didn't hurt him? KENNEDY: Him? You're joking. WATERFIELD: I can assure you that I am not. KENNEDY: He's a lot bigger than me, you know. No, I just baggered him one and that was it. WATERFIELD: That was what? Kennedy, I must know precisely what has happened. How badly injured was Hall? KENNEDY: Well, a bit dazed, that's all. He just mumbled something and made a run for it when they weren't looking. WATERFIELD: And where is he now? KENNEDY: Well, I went round to his place later. There he was coming out the front door, zip bag and everything. He got in a cab and went to Euston. WATERFIELD: Were you able to find another hansom and follow him? KENNEDY: Eh? WATERFIELD: Did you follow him? KENNEDY: Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about him. He's gone up north. WATERFIELD: That disposes of that. Now, this is extremely important: you did leave the matches? KENNEDY: Don't worry about it. The Doctor found the cigarettes and the matches. WATERFIELD: And you are certain they were the ones bearing the name of the coffee shop? KENNEDY: Coffee bar. WATERFIELD: Yes. KENNEDY: Yes. I told you, it worked like a charm. I never thought it would, but you were quite right. He got onto the name on the matches straight away. WATERFIELD: Well, just one last thing, to make quite sure: now you are certain that these are the people that you saw? (He shows him photographs of JAMIE and THE DOCTOR.) KENNEDY: That's them, yeah. Yeah, definite. WATERFIELD: Right. Well, I shall want you to keep out of sight. You'd better stay in the house, and on no account are you to talk to Mr. Perry about any of this. KENNEDY: OK. WATERFIELD: "OK."? What does that mean? KENNEDY: What? Yes! WATERFIELD: Oh, I know that my attitude may appear strange to you on occasions, Kennedy. KENNEDY: You want to play the part of the Victorian grandfather, that's all right by me. Must be a pretty good gimmick. You pay me well enough. WATERFIELD: It, uh... helps to sell to our customers. KENNEDY: Yeah, sure, sure. You've, uh... never told me what it is exactly you've got against this Doctor and his friend. Some kind of vendetta or something? WATERFIELD: Explanations are not part of our arrangement. KENNEDY: Oh, just wondering. WATERFIELD: Imagination is a virtue, but it can become a vice. KENNEDY: Mind me own business, yeah. I get the message. WATERFIELD: Ask Mr. Perry to come and see me, will you, please? (KENNEDY leaves, but does not completely close the door behind him. He then watches through the crack in the door as WATERFIELD removes a book from the bookcase, inserting a key in the panel behind it, which opens into a hidden room. WATERFIELD then disappears into the secret room, returning with another pedestal clock like the one already sitting on his table. KENNEDY hears PERRY walking along the corridor behind him, but only after he has been seen peeking through the doorway. Attempting to appear nonchalant, KENNEDY points toward the room.) KENNEDY: He wants to see you. (PERRY speaks to him in carefully neutral tones.) PERRY: Oh, thank you. (He knocks four times on WATERFIELD's door, as KENNEDY leaves.) WATERFIELD: (From inside the room.) Who is it? PERRY: It's Perry, sir. WATERFIELD: One moment. (He closes the hidden panel, replaces the book and puts the key in an open box on his desk before opening the door for PERRY.) PERRY: You wanted to see me, sir? WATERFIELD: Yes, I have an extremely important and delicate task for you to perform. PERRY: Oh, yes? (He notices the new clock on the table, and walks over to examine it.) PERRY: I say, you got a new delivery. WATERFIELD: Y... yes. PERRY: I didn't see it arrive. WATERFIELD: It was delivered last night. I've only just brought it in myself. It is, uh... for a new customer. PERRY: Oh, yes? WATERFIELD: A Dr. Galloway. He's extremely wealthy and an ardent collector... PERRY: (Interrupting.) Of, uh... Victoriana, sir? WATERFIELD: No less. I do not know the Doctor personally, but we have arranged to meet in the coffee shop, uh... bar, nearby. PERRY: Oh, the Tricolour, sir? WATERFIELD: Yes. Unfortunately, I am unable to keep the appointment, so I want you to go instead, Mr. Perry. Here is a photograph of Dr. Galloway. (He shows PERRY the photographs of THE DOCTOR and JAMIE.) WATERFIELD: This is his assistant and secretary, Mr. James McCrimmon. Now I want you to ask the Doctor to come to the shop tonight, say at, uh... ten o' clock. PERRY: Ten o'clock, sir?! WATERFIELD: Yes. Oh, don't worry, Mr. Perry. I shall be attending to him myself. You needn't wait. PERRY: Oh, right sir. WATERFIELD: The Doctor is notoriously unpunctual. I fear you may have a long and tedious wait. PERRY: I shall find him sir. Do you want me to go now? WATERFIELD: If you please, Mr. Perry. PERRY: Right. (PERRY leaves, after which, WATERFIELD re-opens the hidden panel, and enters the secret room. The room contains a strange electronic apparatus against one wall, together with a number of Victorian antiques. WATERFIELD removes these from the room. After he has done this, he enters the necessary codes to activate the electronic apparatus. During this time, KENNEDY sneaks back, finds the door locked, but stops to listen at the door. He is so intent on this that he fails to notice that PERRY has not left, and is eyeing him coldly.) PERRY: And what are you doing? KENNEDY: I... I can't make Mr. Waterfield hear me. I knocked. PERRY: He's busy. KENNEDY: O.K. I'll try later. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 11 - THE TRICOLOUR (JAMIE and the DOCTOR are seated at a table in the busy coffee bar. "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" can be heard on the jukebox, mingled with the noise of the many other patrons. JAMIE is more than slightly enamoured of the scantily-dressed waitresses that serve the majority of young men present.) JAMIE: Don't look so depressed, Doctor. DOCTOR: If only we knew what he looked like, Jamie. JAMIE: We'll ask one of the lasses in a moment, when things get quieter. DOCTOR: We've got to untangle this, you know. JAMIE: It's all quite obvious to me. They're just robbers. Thieves, you understand. DOCTOR: No, no, there's more to it than that. Why leave that man in the hangar to give us a clue? JAMIE: Which we haven't followed up, you know. "Leatherman?" DOCTOR: There is no delivery firm of that name. Not in the London area, anyway. I checked in the phone book. JAMIE: But surely there's more places than London. DOCTOR: Maybe. JAMIE: Do you think this is sort of a trap, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, but if only we knew who our enemies are... (The thought of having to deal again with one of their most recent adversaries has JAMIE concerned, and he cuts the DOCTOR off.) JAMIE: Not the Chameleons again! DOCTOR: No, something else. I can feel them, closing in all around us. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 12 - THE HIDDEN ROOM (WATERFIELD is standing in front of the alien-looking device, speaking into it.) WATERFIELD: I've done everything that you've asked of me. Isn't that enough? Now you must tell me the truth. Do you hear?! The truth! (At this point, KENNEDY sneaks back into the outside room, and overhears what WATERFIELD is saying, although he has no idea to whom he is speaking.) WATERFIELD: (OOV.) But, you must tell me. I demand! I'm talking to you! Come back! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 13 - THE TRICOLOUR ("Paperback Writer" can be heard playing on the jukebox. The DOCTOR is still seated at the table, but JAMIE is seen talking to a blonde waitress, who seems more than a little interested in what is under his kilt. Ruffled, JAMIE quickly excuses himself and returns to the table.) JAMIE: Oh, if only the laird could see that! Why do I get all the difficult tasks, Doctor? DOCTOR: Because you're so much better at them than I am, Jamie. What did you find out? JAMIE: None of the lasses here could remember anybody called Ken or Kenneth. DOCTOR: Oh, dear. JAMIE: Aye. But, they do have a different lot on duty in the evening. Now, maybe they'll know. (The DOCTOR notices PERRY looking intently in his direction.) DOCTOR: Jamie, I'm being stared at. Is there something wrong with me? (JAMIE points to his head.) JAMIE: You mean up here Doctor? DOCTOR: Is my hair in disarray? JAMIE: Well, no more than usual. DOCTOR: Do I look strange or bizarre? JAMIE: Aye. Well, maybe I'm just used to you. DOCTOR: That's some comfort. Look out, he's coming over. (PERRY walks up to the table.) PERRY: I beg your pardon. DOCTOR: Not at all. PERRY: It is Dr. Galloway, isn't it? (Not comprehending, JAMIE feels he must clarify and cuts in.) JAMIE: Dr. Gallo-? (Unfazed, PERRY continues.) PERRY: ...and Mr. McCrimmon. JAMIE: Aye, I'm Jamie McCrimmon. PERRY: My card. (He offers his card to the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Yes, uh... (He reads the card.) DOCTOR: Mr. Perry? PERRY: Mr. Waterfield's frightfully sorry, but he can't meet you as arranged. (The DOCTOR pretends he understands and plays along.) DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, dear. What a pity. PERRY: But, he says if you'd care to come to the shop at about, uh... ten tonight, he'll see to you personally. DOCTOR: At about 10. Oh, yes, uh... We'll be there. PERRY: Righto. (He leaves.) DOCTOR: Right! Right! (He sees that PERRY has gone, and reads his card.) DOCTOR: "Edward Waterfield: Genuine Victoriana". JAMIE: Can't be a mistake. Even though he got your name wrong, he knew mine. DOCTOR: I wonder if Mr. Kenneth has found us. JAMIE: Eh? (The DOCTOR shows him the card.) DOCTOR: "K. Perry Esquire". Yes, I think we'll go and see Mr. Edward Waterfield. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 14 - SITTING ROOM IN THE HOME OF WATERFIELD (PERRY reports to WATERFIELD on his meeting in the coffee bar.) WATERFIELD: And he, uh... definitely said he would be here? PERRY: Yes, sir. WATERFIELD: Thank you. You have done excellently, Mr. Perry. PERRY: Er... (WATERFIELD dismisses him, cutting him off.) WATERFIELD: Good night. PERRY: See you in the morning, sir. (PERRY takes on a questioning tone. WATERFIELD hesitates, but attempts to sound reassuring in his response.) WATERFIELD: Uh, yes. Yes, in the morning. (PERRY leaves via the shop in the front of the house. After hearing the door close, WATERFIELD turns to face the kitchen.) WATERFIELD: Kennedy? Kennedy? (KENNEDY appears from the kitchen, finishing a sandwich.) WATERFIELD: The Doctor is coming here tonight. I shall want you to help me. And you had better put some warm clothes on. Dark things. KENNEDY: All right. You'd better make sure that police box is well covered-up, in case the Doctor starts snooping about. WATERFIELD: Yes. (WATERFIELD leaves. KENNEDY sneaks back to WATERFIELD's study, gets the key from where he had seen WATERFIELD place it, finds the hidden panel in the bookcase, unlocks it and enters the hidden room. Once inside, he taps on the walls until he finds a hollow panel. He opens the panel to find a safe. On a whim, he attempts to open it, and finds it is unlocked. While he is engaged in this, something has materialized on the strange machine behind him. He hears a noise, and turns to find himself face to face with a DALEK!.) DALEK: Who are you? Who are you? Answer! (KENNEDY looks in terror at the creature, and turns to run. As he reaches the door, though, the DALEK fires, and with a scream of agony, KENNEDY slumps to the ground, dead.)

Plan: A: the stolen TARDIS; Q: What are the Doctor and Jamie trying to find? A: the Daleks; Q: Who lured the Doctor and Jamie into a trap? Summary: Trying to find the stolen TARDIS, the Doctor and Jamie are lured into a trap by the Doctor's old enemies the Daleks.

THE CLAWS OF AXOS BY: BOB BAKER & DAVE MARTIN 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (The MASTER stands before a unit that has one large lever. He has his hand on it. He is watched by HARDIMAN, FILER and the UNIT men.) MASTER: Now, when I pull this handle, the enormous amount of power stored in the TARDIS will be channeled straight into Axos. FILER: What about Jo and the Doc? MASTER: They won't stand a chance - they will die with Axos. (His hand tightens on the lever. The BRIGADIER jumps forward.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: No! MASTER: (Harshly.) Either we destroy Axos or Axos destroys the world - which is it to be, Brigadier?! (The BRIGADIER agonises, then steps back. The MASTER pulls the lever.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. AXOS. PASSAGEWAY (The energy surges back into Axos. Still struggling to the exit, the DOCTOR and JO are flung from side to side.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (HARDIMAN is looking at the readings on the console.) HARDIMAN: Well over maximum now. (The MASTER, looking stern, walks past the observers and into the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (Within, he manipulates controls.) MASTER: ... old antique - keep working! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. AXOS. PASSAGEWAY (The DOCTOR and JO continue to stumble through Axos. Wall tendrils flail at them and hallucinogenic images of the golden Axons appear before them. A screeching noise fills the air. An axon in its raw state stumbles around in front of them. JO screams as they manage to avoid its tendrils.) JO: (Screams.) I can't! I can't! I can't! (The ground under their feet moves beneath them as the organic ship convulses. JO is hysterical.) JO: (Screams.) I can't! I can't! I can't! (The DOCTOR slaps her face.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Jo! Stop it! Be quiet! Stop it! (JO covers her ears.) JO: (Shouts.) What's that screaming?! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) The whole thing's electro-convulsing. The power's creating an...electrical...electrical storm in its brain. We're going right through the centre of the trauma! Come on! Hang on! (He grabs her hand and they press on. They go through a membrane and see another Axon before them. The attack on their senses becomes too great and they both press their hands to their heads in pain. JO starts to scream again.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Jo! Try and stop it! Try and stop it! Don't...don't let it get a grip on your brain! Don't let it get a grip on your brain!. Listen to me! Answer me! What are three sevens?! JO: (Shouts.) Twenty-one! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Twenty-one! Keep answering! (He starts to pull her through the maelstrom again.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Three sevens...times four?! JO: (Shouts.) Eighty-four! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Minus thirty-five?! (Golden Axons also stumble past them as they continue towards the doorway.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Think Jo! Think Jo! JO: (Shouts.) Forty-nine! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Twice that?! (JO hesitates.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Twice...! JO: (Shouts.) Ninety-eight! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Plus ten?! JO: (Shouts.) A hundred and eight! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Divide by nine?! JO: (Shouts.) Twelve! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Divide by four?! JO: (Shouts.) Three! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Three sevens?! JO: (Shouts.) Twenty-one! DOCTOR: ... ! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. AXOS LANDING SITE (The entrance to Axos bursts open and the DOCTOR dives out onto the shingle. JO runs out immediately after him. He picks himself up, grabs her hand and they start running towards the complex.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (The MASTER exits the TARDIS with a smile on his face.) MASTER: Well, gentlemen? Your congratulations? (The BRIGADIER and HARDIMAN look at each other.) MASTER: (Aggrieved.) I see. (He heads back to the TARDIS.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Wait! MASTER: Why? You promised me my freedom - I've earned it. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: We don't know yet what you've achieved. MASTER: My dear Brigadier, I promised to help you - not sort out all your problems! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Captain! CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Sir. Parker, McDougall. (Two UNIT soldiers stood near to the TARDIS stand in front of the doorway with their rifles raised. Meanwhile, the noise from the accelerator starts to rise in pitch again...) HARDIMAN: Something's gone wrong. They must have reversed the power flow. They're feeding it back at us! [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. AXOS. CENTRAL CHAMBER (The Axon eye watches over trashing raw-state Axons.) VOICE OF AXOS: ... source identified as light accelerator. Concentrate power reversal on this sector. Total destruction essential. Repeat - total destruction essential. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (HARDIMAN addresses the complex. His words echo over the tannoy system...) HARDIMAN: (Into microphone.) All personnel - your attention please. Evacuate accelerator sector. Shut off all power in your area and proceed to blast wall shelters immediately. That is all. (He puts the microphone down.) HARDIMAN: Brigadier, I want everybody out of here. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right. Captain Yates, everyone up to the control box. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Right, Benton ... (There is a noisy hubbub as BENTON herds the people in the room to safety.) SERGEANT BENTON: Move! Come on, move! (HARDIMAN is putting on a pair of protective gloves. The BRIGADIER crosses to him.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What are you going to do? HARDIMAN: I'm going to disconnect the portals. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, where do we start? HARDIMAN: No, no, no, Brigadier. This establishment is my responsibility. Yours is with your men. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes, but surely... HARDIMAN: (Interrupting.) I don't any help. I'll be with you in a minute. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Very well. (The BRIGADIER goes up to the control box as HARDIMAN puts on a protective hood, picks up a tool and goes into the accelerator cubicle. He starts to dismantle the mechanism in the roof of the cubicle. The sound of the reactor running away can be heard again...) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LABORATORY CONTROL BOX (HARDIMAN'S efforts are watched by the UNIT men, FILER and the MASTER. The latter stands relaxed against a console.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To the MASTER.) How's he doing? MASTER: Well, he'll have to take out the trigger mechanism before he can disconnect the final cable. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: How much time has he got? MASTER: Huh, who knows? [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (HARDIMAN continues his efforts as the pitch gets higher and higher.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LABORATORY CONTROL BOX BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Smiles.) He's done it! [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (But HARDIMAN is not quite finished yet. He has one more bolt to unscrew. On the verge of success, there is a spark and an explosion. With a cry, HARDIMAN is thrown from the cabinet, through the air and over the railings into the depths of the laboratory.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LABORATORY CONTROL BOX (The men rush from the control box.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Hardiman! (They almost all rush to the railing and look over...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Captain Yates, get some men down here. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Yes sir. (...all except for the MASTER who takes the opportunity of the distraction to make another run for the TARDIS. FILER spots this and pulls his gun out. The MASTER then makes a run for the door leading out of the lab but these open up before he can get to them and a familiar figure walks in.) DOCTOR: Going somewhere? (The MASTER holds up his hands in surrender.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. OFFICE (With the MASTER in custody, the DOCTOR addresses the UNIT men and FILER in the office. One of the complex TECHNICIANS is also there.) DOCTOR: (Angrily.) The claws of Axos are already deeply embedded in the Earth's carcass! Soon, it'll activate its nutrition cycle and the feast will be begin. The Axonite'll cease to be dormant...and it'll continue to grow, gentlemen, until every living thing is consumed. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Unless we can find a way of stopping it? DOCTOR: Well, I don't think you can stop it. JO: Well, there must be something we can do, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well we can but try, Jo. (To the TECHNICIAN.) Can you commandeer the computer banks? I want to make some very complex calculations. TECHNICIAN: Of course. DOCTOR: Good, thank you. TECHNICIAN: I'll have them cleared immediately. (He leaves the room.) DOCTOR: Brigadier, can you set up a constant watch on that space dome? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, Captain Yates? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Sir? (They step to one side to discuss arrangements.) FILER: What about the Master? DOCTOR: I'm going to ask you to hand your prisoner over to me for a while. FILER: Well now, hold on...! DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) Look, Bill! I think I can defeat Axos...but I must have the Master's help! JO: But you know you can't trust him. He'll kill you the first chance he gets. DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry, Jo. I'll keep him in good order all right - with this. (He holds up the MASTER'S confiscated laser gun. On the other side of the office, the BRIGADIER and YATES make arrangements.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I shall be setting up HQ in the lab. I want you and Benton in RT contact the whole time. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Yes sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, get going. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Right, sir. (He leaves collecting BENTON on the way out.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Sergeant Benton? SERGEANT BENTON: Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. AXOS LANDING SITE (CAPTAIN YATES carries a closed-circuit TV camera on a tripod from a UNIT jeep. He sets it up looking over the Axon spacedome. He goes back to the jeep and puts on a headset from an RT set.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LABORATORY CONTROL BOX (The BRIGADIER receives YATES'S message.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (OOV: Over radio.) Trap one to Greyhound, over. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) Go ahead trap one, over. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (OOV: Over radio.) Eyes down. Look in, over. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over radio.) Roger. (The BRIGADIER switches on a small black and white monitor. The picture of the Axon spacedome appears on it.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over radio.) Receiving your signal. Maintain surveillance, over. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (OOV: Over radio.) Roger, wilko, out. (CHINN walks in, eating a chicken drumstick.) CHINN: That thing working? Get me the Ministry, will you? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Ah, Mr. Chinn. Now where have you been hiding yourself? Canteen? CHINN: As it happens, I've been doing your job! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Oh yes? CHINN: Mmm. Trying to do something about the situation. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Which particular situation? CHINN: Axonite, Brigadier, Axonite! Do you realise that Britain's going to get the blame for all this? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Britain - or you, Mr. Chinn? CHINN: Well, if you won't get the Ministry... (CHINN looks round.) CHINN: Where's Hardiman? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Dead. (He turns away. At this news, even CHINN is at a loss for words.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (FILER stands to one side of the lab, looking over the railing and deep in thought. JO approaches him. Behind them, the DOCTOR and the MASTER work in the light accelerator cubicle.) JO: You look like a disappointed Bloodhound. FILER: All Bloodhounds look disappointed. It's an occupational hazard. JO: Why Bill? You've got your man. FILER: Oh sure - Bill Filer of the New York mounted police. (He looks behind him at the DOCTOR and the MASTER.) FILER: I don't like it, Jo. JO: Well, all we can do is wait. FILER: I don't mean the hanging around - I'm used to that. I've just got this feeling that something is going on. (Behind them, the DOCTOR and the MASTER have taken out parts of the light accelerator and stand talking.) JO: Come on, Bill! Surely you don't think there's a... FILER: (Interrupting.) I don't think anything. It's a funny time to go collecting junk, that's all - real eager beavers. JO: But they've got to be - they're working against time. FILER: Well, why pack off all the technicians? Why can't they help? (The DOCTOR and the MASTER head for the TARDIS.) FILER: (To JO.) Why've they gotta go it alone, huh? Why? [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR and the MASTER enter the TARDIS. The DOCTOR holds the MASTER at gunpoint with his laser gun. The MASTER puts the mechanism from the light accelerator down on the console.) MASTER: Well, Doctor? I'm still waiting to hear this, er, this marvellous scheme of yours. DOCTOR: Actually, there isn't one. (He puts the gun in his pocket.) MASTER: Well, then why...? DOCTOR: Because if you mend the TARDIS, we can both escape. MASTER: Both? Tell me, Doctor, are, er, are you suggesting an alliance? DOCTOR: Why not? I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a heap of dust on second rate planet to a third rate star. Do you? MASTER: Do you mean to say that you are actually prepared to abandon your beloved Earth to the Axon's tender mercies? DOCTOR: Certainly! After all, we are both Time Lords. MASTER: Huh, maybe! Look, why should I help you? DOCTOR: Because if you don't I shall hand you over to UNIT and you'll become a prisoner on a doomed planet. MASTER: Yes, well, you'll be doomed along with me. DOCTOR: Exactly - we either escape together...or we die together. MASTER: Oh, very generous! But look, why not just hand me over to UNIT and...make your escape by yourself? (The DOCTOR looks sheepish and paces, rubbing his chin and neck.) MASTER: (Puzzled.) Well? DOCTOR: Because the Time Lords have put a block on my knowledge of dematerialisation theory - that's why! MASTER: (Amused.) Oh, I see! DOCTOR: Yes, well we haven't got much time. What's your decision? MASTER: All right, I accept. DOCTOR: Good, well you're the mechanic - what's the answer? MASTER: The answer, Doctor...is this. (He takes a small component out of the mechanism he brought into the TARDIS and holds it up.) DOCTOR: The trigger mechanism from the light accelerator? MASTER: Yes. DOCTOR: Yes, of course. MASTER: Now this will compensate for the deficiencies in your...dematerialisation circuit. Well, with a little ingenuity, I may be able to join one to the other but, erm...it'll take time. DOCTOR: Well, it'd better not take too much time. Right, you get on with the repairs, I'll go and work out some course co-ordinates. MASTER: Very well. (The DOCTOR starts to head out of the door, but a thought strikes him and he steps back. He lifts up a small panel on the console, unscrews a component and holds it up in front of the MASTER.) DOCTOR: Just in case you were thinking of leaving without me! (The MASTER laughs gently.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. AXOS. CENTRAL CHAMBER (Within Axos, the eye hovers as the Axon plan reaches a vital phase...) VOICE OF AXOS: Data indicates distribution complete. Activate nutrition cycle one. Initiate recall one. Activate nutrition cycle two. Initiate recall two. Activate nutrition cycle three. [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. AXOS LANDING SITE (The entire Axon ship starts to rise out of the ground, soil and shingle falling off its curved organic bulk.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LABORATORY CONTROL BOX (The BRIGADIER receives a radio message.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (OOV: Over radio.) It's surfacing, sir! The whole thing! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) Pull out, Yates. Back to the complex! CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (OOV: Over radio.) Yes, sir! [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. AXOS LANDING SITE (BENTON gets into the driving seat of the jeep while YATES, still in the open back, disconnects the cable leading to the TV camera. The jeep drives off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. ROADS (The jeep speeds along a road to escape the ascending spacedome. It crashes through a gate but up ahead, the road is blocked by two Axons. BENTON drives straight through them however, further ahead, there is another larger group in the road. BENTON speeds the jeep up an incline away from them. The jeep then drives down a rough track past two more Axons who CAPTAIN YATES fires at. Further ahead, another Axon fires one of its tendrils at a tree. With a small explosion, the tree collapses across the road, blocking the jeep's further progress. The Axons clamber onto the jeep where YATES finds that his rifle is now empty. Instead, he uses it as a club and tries to stop the marauding Axons from getting at them.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: ... ! (BENTON, protected in the cab, reverses the vehicle which now has several Axons on board with YATES desperately fighting them off. BENTON does a sudden brake and then drives rapidly forward. The Axon in the back loses its balance and falls off the vehicle. One Axon is left on the front, smashing at the windscreen. YATES sees this, picks up a grenade and pulls out the pin.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Jump! (He jumps out, followed rapidly by BENTON. They run off as the still propelling vehicle goes over a small ridge and is suddenly rent by a huge explosion, destroying the Axon. The blazing jeep careers down the hill.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (JO brings the DOCTOR a ticker tape of computer data. FILER sits pensively nearby.) DOCTOR: Ah, thank you, Jo. JO: Doctor, what are those figures? DOCTOR: Er, just some course co-ordinates, that's all. FILER: (Sarcastically.) What do you want course co-ordinates for, Doc? You're not thinking of leaving us, are you? (The DOCTOR smiles and walks towards the TARDIS where the MASTER waits. He passes him the roll of paper.) DOCTOR: Here you are. Everything ready? (The MASTER mutters a reply.) DOCTOR: Good. (The MASTER goes into the TARDIS and the DOCTOR goes back to JO and FILER.) DOCTOR: Yes, as a matter of fact, we are! FILER: Not if I can help it! (FILER runs forward with his pistol.) DOCTOR: Drop that, Filer! JO: Doctor! (The DOCTOR fires the MASTER'S laser gun, destroying the pistol in an explosion which hurts FILER'S hand.) JO: Doctor! (The BRIGADIER and CHINN run up.) DOCTOR: Sorry, Jo. Ah, Brigadier, just in time to say goodbye! JO: No, you can't! DOCTOR: I'm sorry Jo, we must. FILER: We? DOCTOR: Yes, after all, we are both Time Lords. (He goes towards the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Goodbye, Brigadier, Mr. Chinn, goodbye, Bill. Goodbye Jo, I shall miss you! (He goes inside the TARDIS and closes the door.) JO: No! [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (Inside, the MASTER waits.) MASTER: Very neat, Doctor. You know, I must say I never thought you'd go through with it. DOCTOR: (Irritated.) If we're going, let's go. (The MASTER gestures at the console and the DOCTOR activates the take-off sequence. There is no response. The two men look puzzled. The MASTER walks away to check a small piece of machinery on one side of the console room whilst a sheepish DOCTOR remembers the small component that he took out of the console earlier and hurriedly replaces it. He does not manage to complete the task in time before the MASTER turns round and the two exchange rueful looks. The DOCTOR pulls the main lever again and this time the familiar dematerialisation sound blasts out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (Outside, a sobbing JO pounds on the TARDIS door.) JO: No, Doctor, you can't! Please! Doc...! (She runs back from the TARDIS as YATES runs in.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: ... we're being over-run! (The TARDIS fades away.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Get the men inside! Get that blast door closed! FILER: Come on, Jo! (FILER pulls JO to cover behind a console.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Take the men back ... ! (The UNIT troops pour into the lab and take cover behind consoles and the light accelerator.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR starts quickly activating controls.) MASTER: But you can't rematerialise yet! We're not even in space-time! DOCTOR: This is as far as we're going - for the moment. (The DOCTOR pulls back the main lever and the TARDIS materialises.) MASTER: But where are we? DOCTOR: Oh, you'll recognise it when you see it. (The DOCTOR opens the doors and points the laser gun at the MASTER.) DOCTOR: Right - outside! Come on - out! (The MASTER does as he's told and leaves the ship - the DOCTOR following.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. AXOS. CENTRAL CHAMBER (They are in the central chamber of Axos. The plain white cube of the MASTER'S TARDIS stands on the other side of the room. Before them, the eye waves to and fro.) MASTER: But you must be mad! Why have you brought us here? DOCTOR: Well, you want your TARDIS back, don't you? We can't beat Axos - we may as well join it. VOICE OF AXOS: Why have you returned? DOCTOR: That's simple - because you are winning! And we have a proposition - you may have conquered this tiny spec in space but you've yet to conquer time. VOICE OF AXOS: Well? DOCTOR: We are prepared to give you this power on one condition; that we join forces against the High Council of the Time Lords. VOICE OF AXOS: How can we do this? DOCTOR: By linking our drive systems. In this way, Axos will become a TARDIS and the TARDIS will become a part of Axos. VOICE OF AXOS: (To the MASTER.) And you? MASTER: No...my part is finished. All I'm interested in is the return of my TARDIS. Well, I...I will leave you to your new alliance. (He walks across the chamber to his TARDIS but, just a couple of feet away, hits an invisible force-field.) MASTER: (Angrily.) I insist on my freedom! VOICE OF AXOS: When the link is complete. Then you can have your freedom! [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (A hole is slowly being burnt in the blast proof door to the lab. The people within watch.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yates? (CAPTAIN YATES walks close to the doors with a grenade.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Wait for it...wait for it... (The sound of the burning through operation suddenly ceases.) JO: What happened, Bill? Why has it suddenly stopped? CHINN: Don't you think we ought to negotiate? (A spark of pure energy shoots across the lab from the hole in the door towards the perspex cubicle. The trapped humans jump back.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What happened? TECHNICIAN: They've energised the light accelerator. (He looks at the dial that registers the speed of light. It is shooting upwards.) TECHNICIAN: Good grief! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, is there anything we can do? TECHNICIAN: Not without the trigger mechanism. The particles will just go on and on accelerating. FILER: Then what? TECHNICIAN: Bang! CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: The blast wall, sir! (The hole in the door is now huge...) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR is connecting an organic tendril from Axos into the TARDIS console. The MASTER watches...) MASTER: Tell me, Doctor, isn't that a rather primitive way to make a link? DOCTOR: (Snaps.) Look, will you stop pestering me! MASTER: All right. I'll check the course circuits. (He turns and sees the scanner screen. On it, a radar-style display shows a spec of light travelling in a figure-8 formation.) MASTER: You've got it set in a Time loop! DOCTOR: That's right, yes. VOICE OF AXOS: Attention! Attention! Nutrition cycle incomplete. Disconnect all systems. (As the DOCTOR continues his work, the MASTER runs out of the TARDIS...) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. AXOS. CENTRAL CHAMBER (...and into the central chamber. The air itself pulsates with activity.) MASTER: Stop him! Don't you understand? He's committing suicide and he's taking us all with him! He's doing this for Earth - not for you! (He runs towards his own TARDIS.) MASTER: He's putting you all in a Time loop...and you'll never get out of it! Never! (He runs into his TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR has finished the connection and stands at the console.) DOCTOR: Come on! Come on, you must take the load! (Shouts.) You must! [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (The Axon monsters burst through the remains of the blast doors and into the lab. The people inside scatter but the creatures are coming from all directions. The humans are slowly being hemmed in towards the cubicle of the light accelerator. The UNIT soldiers throw small grenades but they have little effect on the creatures. Bullets likewise do not stop their onward advance. One Axon looms up before JO who screams. A soldier is thrust over the railing by one of the attackers whilst another touches a soldier with its tentacle, killing the man instantly. The trapped humans are slowly losing the battle for life...) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: EXT. AXOS LANDING SITE (The exposed ship suddenly dematerialises...) [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (YATES fires at an Axon which, to his astonishment, abruptly disappears. BENTON goes to club another of the creatures and it to vanishes. So does another that looms over a floored FILER. All across the room, the invaders fade into thin air...) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: VORTEX (Axos travels through the Time loop.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (Within the TARDIS, a group of Axons pin the DOCTOR down against the console.) VOICE OF AXOS: Your sacrifice was in vain, Time Lord. You are joined to us forever in this loop of Time. Our fate is yours. (The DOCTOR desperately reaches for a switch.) DOCTOR: Not if I can...break through this...Time loop! [SCENE_BREAK] 40: VORTEX (Axos continues on its never-ending journey.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR'S hand edges closer to a control. The figure-8 radar blip traces its course as the DOCTOR succeeds in pulling a lever back...) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: VORTEX (...and the TARDIS appears in the vortex, its links to Axos severed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (The danger at Nuton is not yet over. The dial on the light speed indicator goes into the danger area.) TECHNICIAN: Light accelerator's still going! It's going to go! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, everybody outside! Evacuate the whole area. (They survivors of the battle run for the doors. The BRIGADIER makes sure they all get through.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Go on! JO: Bill! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Go on! (He runs out followed by FILER. The TARDIS materialises in the empty chamber. [SCENE_BREAK] 44: EXT. NUTON COMPLEX (As a klaxon alarm blares out, the escapees tear down a staircase and out of the main building. The BRIGADIER, JO and CHINN run into a black limousine as a UNIT jeep speeds past. The barrier rises and the cars shoot out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 45: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. LIGHT ACCELERATION LABORATORY (The DOCTOR comes out of the TARDIS. He sees the empty chamber and runs across to the console showing the out of control accelerator. He runs back to the TARDIS dodging out of the way as part of the roof collapses.) [SCENE_BREAK] 46: EXT. SHORE ROAD (The convoy of vehicles arrives at a deserted spot some distance from the complex. The people get out and look towards the complex.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Get down! (They all do so but JO suddenly stands up as a thought strikes her...) JO: What about the Doctor? Suppose he comes back? (The BRIGADIER pulls her to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 47: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR desperately activates the TARDIS again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 48: EXT. SHORE ROAD (The BRIGADIER looks through his binoculars and sees the laboratory destroyed in a huge explosion. JO looks horrified. With the immediate danger over, they all pile back into the cars and head back to the destroyed site.) [SCENE_BREAK] 49: EXT. NUTON COMPLEX (The area is now a pile of smoking rubble. The group get out of their cars and approach the remains. As they do so, the TARDIS rematerialises within the ruins. JO smiles up at the BRIGADIER as the door to the TARDIS opens. The DOCTOR gets out and looks through mangled girders at them all.) DOCTOR: Well! This is a fine welcome, I must say! [SCENE_BREAK] 50: INT. NUTON COMPLEX. OFFICE (The office in the complex has also been badly damaged with one whole wall gone and the people inside exposed to the elements. Nevertheless, within there, the DOCTOR attempts an explanation to the BRIGADIER, JO, FILER and CHINN...) DOCTOR: Well, it's perfectly simple, Brigadier. (Coughs.) A Time loop is...it's, erm, well, it...it...it's a Time loop. (He waves his hands in a circular motion.) DOCTOR: One...one passes continually...through the same points in time. Passes through...the same... (His audience look impassively at him. He realises that he is making no progress with his explanation and gives up.) DOCTOR: Yes. Well, the Axons said they wanted time travel and now they've got it. FILER: What about the Master? DOCTOR: Well, I sincerely hope he's with them. FILER: Hope? DOCTOR: Well, I can't be absolutely sure. I was pretty busy at the time. But I'm ninety percent certain though. FILER: How much? DOCTOR: Well, pretty certain. (Ruefully.) Well, I suppose he could have got away... (He sees the BRIGADIER giving him a look.) DOCTOR: Just. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: This Time loop...thing. How did you get out of it? DOCTOR: Well I simply boosted the circuits and broke free. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And you came back of your own accord? DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Well, I, er... JO: (Warningly.) Doctor? DOCTOR: (Seriously.) No. No, I'm afraid not. No, obviously the Time Lords have programmed the TARDIS always to return to Earth. (JO and the BRIGADIER smile at each other.) DOCTOR: (Exasperated.) It seems that I'm some kind of a galactic Yo-yo!

Plan: A: Axos; Q: What planet did the Doctor and Jo escape from? A: the Doctor; Q: Who offers the Master a deal? A: TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's time machine? Summary: The Doctor and Jo escape from Axos but then the Doctor offers the Master a deal:if he helps him repair the TARDIS, they can flee Earth together.

BROOKE'S FORMER HOUSE Brooke,little girl, sat on the flight of steps while her parents quarrel inside the house. She sees a married couple passing by car. VICTORIA: Until you get it through your thick skull that I'm not happy! FATHER: Happy? You think I'm happy? You think I like working all day and come home to the same broken record? VICTORIA: Oh, I'm a broken record? FATHER: Yes, you are! VICTORIA: Well, I wish I'd never married you! It was a mistake I did. FATHER: Can I go now? I've had enough of you for one night. VICTORIA: I've had enough of you for one life! NALEY'S HOUSE Julian wake up with Chester on the chest. JAMIE: Sorry, Julian. I told Chester that you and Brooke were getting married today. He's not taking it very well. JULIAN: Okay. Why would your rabbit have an emotional response to our wedding? JAMIE: Well, he's always had a thing for Brooke. JULIAN: How could you possibly know that? JAMIE: It's in the eyes. What's this? JULIAN: That, my very best man, is one half of a bumper-car token. JAMIE: Where's the other half? JULIAN: With a girl. JAMIE: Brooke? JULIAN: Nope. When I was around your age, I went to a county fair, and I met a girl, and we went on a bunch of rides together. JAMIE: Oh, cool. Which rides? JULIAN: Doesn't matter. Old county-fair rides. Totally irrelevant to the story. Okay. One of them was the Octopus. JAMIE: I love the Octopus. JULIAN: Anyway, the point is, it was the first crush I ever had. And not a "Chester likes Brooke" kind of crush, a real crush. You ever have that feeling? JAMIE: I think Madison's pretty cool. JULIAN: Mm-hmm. Right. Well, I thought this girl was pretty cool, too. And at the end of the night, we only had one token left. So we decided to break it in half. JAMIE: So, what happened to the girl? JULIAN: I don't know. I don't even remember her name. It wasn't really about the girl. It was about the idea of someone out there...for me. So I kept this half bumper-car token ever since as a reminder that somewhere out there, if I'm lucky, is my other half. RIVERCOURT Nathan makes some shootings. NATHAN: Think you can stop me, punk? JAMIE: No. Why am I a punk? NATHAN: 'Cause you're standing between me and the basket. JAMIE: Oh, sorry. Do you want me to move? NATHAN: No. You're fine right there. JAMIE: Ooh. Nice. NATHAN: So, have you written your best-man speech yet? JAMIE: I'm supposed to write a speech? NATHAN: Yeah. At the reception, the best man and the maid of honor, they always give speeches. JAMIE: About what? NATHAN: You just talk about what Julian means to you and why he and Brooke are right for each other. You know, your mom probably didn't tell you this because she wants her speech to be better than yours. JAMIE: Of course she did. (Julian comes in) NATHAN: Ah, there he is. We were just talking about you. You nervous for the big day? JULIAN: Why would I be nervous? Is something important happening today? That was a joke. Told it twice today already. Got some big laughs the first two times. NATHAN: Two out of three is pretty solid. Nice work. JULIAN: Right. Well, I got a task for Jamie. I can't see Brooke the day of the wedding, so I need you to deliver that to her for me. NATHAN: Dude, are you using my son as a messenger boy? JULIAN: No, I'm using my best man as a messenger boy. All right. I'll see you guys later. NATHAN: Julian. You can't step onto the River Court and leave without taking a shot. JULIAN: Is that a rule? 'Cause I never... (Julian shots and marks a basket) JAMIE: Ooh! Oh. NATHAN: Nice. JAMIE: Guess this is my lucky day. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke breakfasts and Haley gets up. BROOKE: Good morning, maid of honor. Nice of you to join me on my wedding day. I was gonna check and see if you were still alive in there. HALEY: I don't know why I overslept. I'm sorry. I never oversleep, seriously. I don't...I don't even need an alarm clock. It was just... BROOKE: The mattress? HALEY: That mattress. I had no idea something that comfortable existed. It's like it was made out of hopes and dreams. BROOKE: Yeah, when Sam lived here, I used to have to drag her kicking and screaming out of there every morning. HALEY: I can see why. BROOKE: Now, don't get too excited, but this is for you. Your maid-of-honor gift. HALEY: Brooke, that's so sweet. My goodness. It's beautiful! Oh! BROOKE: I know it's incomplete right now, but you'll fill the other side soon enough. HALEY: It's beautiful. I love it. Thank you so much. Somebody knocks at the door. Brooke is going to open, it's Jamie. JAMIE: Hello, Brooke. I'm here on official best-man business. Julian has requested that I give this to you. BROOKE: Thanks, buddy. It's very professional. HALEY: Hey, there, little man. JAMIE: I know about the speech. HALEY: Oh. Your dad told you, huh? Huh. You ready? JAMIE: Maybe. Are you ready? HALEY: Maybe. So, what are you gonna say? JAMIE: Oh, you'll see. What are you gonna say? HALEY: Oh, you'll see. But, sweetie, you know this isn't a competition, right? JAMIE: Okay. Good. HALEY: Okay. JAMIE: Just remember that when they like my speech more. Brooke opens the envelope that Jamie gave to her. It is a CD inside. Brooke puts it in radio set. BROOKE: "The moment I fell in love with you." I apologize for what I'm about to do. HALEY: What are you about to do? (Brooke dances) HALEY: Okay. Why are you dancing like that, Brooke? BROOKE: Because this dance is what made an amazing man fall in love with me. HALEY: Yeah? That one? All right. Turn it up. I'd join you. I just don't want to go into labor on your wedding day. ONE TREE HILL - OPEN CREDITS MOUTH'S APARTMENT Skills gives the last directives before going to the church. SKILLS: Listen up. It all starts here. As ushers at today's wedding, we've been given a huge responsibility. And I'm not gonna lie. It might be dangerous. But that's why we were chosen. CHASE: I thought we were chosen because Julian has no guy friends. SKILLS: Pay attention, man. Today we're the first and only line of defense. MOUTH: Dude, come on. We're just supposed to seat the guests when they show up and then go get drunk. SKILLS: There will be no drinking during today's security detail. CHASE: Skills, we're ushers, not security. SKILLS: I've seen this lazy attitude before. Everybody starts having fun. People let their guard down, then bam! CHASE: Bam? MOUTH: Bam? SKILLS: Bam. Something bad always happens at Tree Hill weddings. But today we're gonna prevent it. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Somebody knocks at the door. Haley is going to open, it's Victoria. VICTORIA: Hello, Haley. Is Brooke here? HALEY: Hi, Victoria. Yes. Come on in. (Victoria enters) HALEY: So, I'm...I'm gonna go find out what that heavenly mattress is made of. BROOKE: What can I do for you? VICTORIA: It's your wedding day. BROOKE: Mom, that doesn't mean that you can just show up... VICTORIA: So I thought I'd just stop by and give you this. Go ahead. It's definitely old not that I expect or even allow you to wear it tonight. But I know it meant a lot to you. BROOKE: I can't believe you kept this. VICTORIA: I remember the night you found it. BROOKE: So do I. VICTORIA: You brought it to me and you said, "someday, mom, I'm gonna wear one of these." BROOKE: And do you remember what you said to me? You said, "don't ever get married, Brooke. It'll ruin your life." VICTORIA: Yeah. Well...I guess it's a good thing, then, you stopped taking my advice somewhere along the way. I'll see you at the church. CHURCH Quinn takes some photos where as Alex looks at photos of Quinn in her computer. QUINN: So, are you excited about the reception? There's gonna be a lot of single guys there. ALEX: I don't think I'm gonna go. Chase and Mia are going. QUINN: Together? ALEX: Well, Chase said they're going as friends, but who knows? Either way, it just creates a really awkward situation. And I'm so tired of embarrassing myself with them. QUINN: You know, it's not really about Chase and Mia. It's about your good friend who's getting married. And I know Julian really wants you there. So you should go for him. At least think about it. ALEX: I cannot believe you took these pictures. They're amazing. QUINN: Thanks. Can you keep a secret? ALEX: Honestly, I'm really terrible at keeping secrets. This one time, my friend Kimmy told me she hooked up with two people at the same party, and I promised I wouldn't say a word. But then I told like four people within an hour, and one of them was actually Kimmy, so... QUINN: Okay, this is a little more serious than a random double at a party. ALEX: Okay. You can talk to me. You have a secret girlfriend? QUINN: No. That's Katie, the crazy stalker who shot Clay and me. She came back because she found out I was watching her. ALEX: And Clay doesn't know about this? QUINN: No. And the worst part is that he thinks it's his fault that she came back. ALEX: Well, you could make a case for "what's done is done." I mean, you can't undo things now. But if you're feeling guilty, you should just tell him the truth. I have seen how that boy looks at you. And I promise you, it'll be okay. QUINN: Thanks. I've just been carrying it around with me, and, uh...You know, it's not fair to Clay. I think it's important that I tell him the truth. ALEX: Good. You know, besides, there is a very good chance that I might tell him later by mistake. QUINN: Give me this. You're terrible. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan and Jamie go down stair, dressed in tux. NATHAN: Look at us. Scott men looking good in our tuxes. So, how's your speech? JAMIE: Oh, great. I'm almost done. NATHAN: Oh. JAMIE: Can I read you some of it? NATHAN: Yeah. Let's hear it. JAMIE: All right. Okay. "When I first made Julian's acquaintance, I was genuinely impressed with his demeanor." NATHAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. What was that? JAMIE: That was my opening. Should I lead with a joke instead? NATHAN: No offense, buddy, but it sounded a bit stiffand grown-up. JAMIE: That's what I was going for. I don't want the speech to sound like it was written by a kid. NATHAN: It was written by a kid. Look, just think about how much Brooke and Julian really mean to you and then talk about that. JAMIE: All right. I'll start over. But seriously, should I lead with a joke? NATHAN: No. Stay away from the jokes. Your mom learned that lesson the hard way at Peyton and Lucas' wedding. Plus, I've seen your act at the talent show. You know, Lucas always started with a quote from one of his favorite authors. So maybe you can find one that helps you get your feelings across. JAMIE: Hmm. CHURCH Mouth, Chase and Skills await the first guests. CHASE: Milk? Really? I can't believe we're not allowed to drink. This sucks. MOUTH: Weddings are supposed to be fun. SKILLS: It's our job to make sure everyone else has fun. (Julian comes in) SKILLS: Hey, look. Here he is the groom. Hey, Julian Baker. You nervous? JULIAN: Nope, not nervous at all. Everything okay? SKILLS: You tell me, Julian Baker. Or is it, uh...Julian Norris? Bam. JULIAN: Bam? Well, yes, skills, I was born Julian Norris, and I changed my last name to Baker. SKILLS: Hmm. Running from the past? JULIAN: Did you do a background check on me? SKILLS: Google search, advanced settings. You know, a few years back, there was a wedding here in Tree Hill, and the bride really wasn't who she said she was. A lot of good people got hurt that day. JULIAN: What's your point? SKILLS: You look nervous. JULIAN: Okay, skills. Do you mind if I attend my own wedding now? Thank you. SKILLS: I don't trust him. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Haley prepares to Brooke for the ceremony. HALEY: Does that feel tight? BROOKE: Mm-hmm. HALEY: Okay. Okay. That's it. Wow. Brooke, you are officially the most beautiful bride ever. And you're not even in your dress yet. Oh. You are gonna look so...So beautiful in that dress. BROOKE: Haley, don't. 'Cause if you cry, then I'm gonna cry, and I don't want to have to redo my makeup. HALEY: Okay. All right. I'm sorry. You're right. I just... Okay. We have to get ready to go to the church anyway. BROOKE: We're going to the church. We're going to the church where I'm getting married. Haley, I'm getting married. HALEY: We are so gonna have to redo your makeup. BROOKE: I know. CHURCH Skills and Mouth check the guests at the entry. SKILLS: What you hiding under there, grandpa? MOUTH: His artificial hip. SKILLS: Hey! I'm watching you, oldie. MOUTH: This is getting ridiculous, Skills. SKILLS: He looked suspicious. MOUTH: He's like 85 years old. You are seriously losing it, man. (Millicent comes in) MOUTH: Wow. Millie. You look great. MILLICENT: Thanks. So do you. How's the ushering? MOUTH: You mean the security detail? SKILLS: Hey, Millie. You got your invitation? MILLICENT: No. Sorry. I left it at home. SKILLS: Nothing personal, but I'm gonna need you to run on home and get that. MILLICENT: Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna do that. MOUTH: That's okay. I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to vouch for my girlfriend. I mean, uh... She's with me. MILLICENT: Yes, she is. SKILLS: Move it right along. Got to keep this area clear. Hey. Quinn takes some pictures of Julian with his parents. QUINN: That was a good one. SYLVIA: Well, the lighting in here is dreadful. PAUL: It's not the lighting, Sylvia. It's the many years that have passed since you were born. SYLVIA: Oh, that's right. I forgot you were dating a fetus, Paul. How's that working out for you? PAUL: She never complains about bad lighting. SYLVIA: She's probably too busy complaining about her homework. QUINN: Okay. I just need a few more, and we'll be done very, very soon, okay? PAUL: I just realized, this is the groom's dressing room. I thought only guys were supposed to be back here. SYLVIA: I'm his mother. PAUL: Exactly. You shouldn't be here. Thank you for agreeing with me for once. JULIAN: Stop it. That's it. I have spent my entire life listening to you two argue about absolutely nothing. So can you please spend the next few hours at least pretending to like each other? You don't even really have to mean it. You just have to pretend, for me. Okay? SYLVIA: All right. QUINN: Okay. Alex arrives, she sees Chase with Mia. CHASE: Hi. ALEX: Hey. You guys look great. You always did make a cute couple. MIA: We're just friends. ALEX: Right. Are you supposed to show me to my seat? CHASE: Here's a program. Chase accompanies Alex to her seat. CHASE: So, which side do you want to sit on? ALEX: Depends. Which side are you and your date sitting on? CHASE: Over there. Just friends. ALEX: Then I'll sit over here. Thanks. Quinn takes pictures of Brooke and her mother. QUINN: These are so great. Now I just need a few photos of you and your dad and then one of you three together, and we'll be all set. BROOKE: My dad's not here yet. VICTORIA: There's a big surprise. BROOKE: Stop it. He'll be here. VICTORIA: Well, don't hold your breath, dear. BROOKE: He'll be here. QUINN: Yeah. Skills and Jamie await the groom. SKILLS: See, this is the calm before the storm. JAMIE: Mm-hmm. SYLVIA: Hi. SKILLS: Dang. Mama Baker lookin' hot today. JAMIE: She is? SKILLS: Mm-hmm. JAMIE: Hmm. Hey, why don't you have a date? SKILLS: Man, you're not supposed to have a date at a wedding. Me and you, we're rollin' solo tonight, dawg. JAMIE: Well, yeah, um, I have a date. SKILLS: With who? JAMIE: Madison. I guess you're gonna have to roll solo tonight. Good luck, dawg. SKILLS: Damn it. Haley comes to see Brooke in her dress. HALEY: Brooke? Ohh. BROOKE: Don't you dare ruin my makeup again. HALEY: I just came by to tell you I love you. BROOKE: That's not gonna keep me from crying. So, what do you think? HALEY: I think you are the perfect bride. BROOKE: Thank you. HALEY: I will see you out there. BROOKE: Haley, I love you, too. (Haley goes out and Victoria enters) VICTORIA: Brooke. BROOKE: He's not coming, is he? VICTORIA: No. BROOKE: So what are we gonna do? VICTORIA: We're gonna do what we always do. Haley walks in the aisle. JULIAN: Psst! I think Madison has a crush on you. JAMIE: Really? How can you tell? JULIAN: It's in the eyes. Hey, I want you to have this. JAMIE: But you've kept it all these years. JULIAN: I know. It means a lot to me. But it's yours now. I don't need it anymore. I found my other half. Brooke and Victoria begin to walk in the aisle. FLASHBACK, BROOKE AND JULIAN'S MOMENTS JULIAN: I mean, I kiss you, and then it gets... BROOKE: Definitely. It would be... JULIAN: It would be. JULIAN: I want you to have this. BROOKE: And what is this supposed to mean? JULIAN: It means we're going steady. JULIAN: I'm in love with you. I'm so lost and completely in love with you. I have been ever since I saw you doing that ridiculous Molly Ringwald dance. JULIAN: I love you, Brooke Davis. BROOKE: You told me that someday I'd be ready to let someone in. I think today might be someday. CHURCH JULIAN: Wow. JAMIE: Wow. Brooke looks like an angel. JULIAN: That's why I'm not nervous. Brooke joins Julian and the priest begins to speak. PRIEST: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony. Today, Julian and Brooke proclaim their love to the world with these words. Julian. JULIAN: Thank you. Brooke, before I met you, I thought my world had everything I needed to be happy. I had nothing else to compare it to. Then you walked into my life, and everything changed. I realized how empty my world was without you in it. And my old life was no longer capable of making me happy, not without you. I love everything about you, Brooke. I love the way you challenge me like no one ever has. I love the way you look at me like no one ever has. And I love the way you love me like no one ever has. I can't imagine spending my life without you. And if you say yes to me in a few minutes, I won't have to. You look beautiful, by the way. PRIEST: Brooke. BROOKE: Julian... Before I met you, my world revolved around one thing. Me. And I liked it that way, on my own. But then I met you, and you saw through the facade. You saw me. You've taught me to trust, how to let someone in, and what it truly means to fall in love. I can't possibly describe how much I love you, so I'll tell you why I love you. You see the world in a way that no one else does, and you appreciate everything...Including me. There's no one in the world like you. And if you say yes in a few minutes, I'll get to spend the rest of my life trying to see the world through your eyes, appreciating everything...Including you, the most unique, wonderful, and terribly handsome man I've ever met. PRIEST: Julian and Brooke, you came here today to exchange these vows. Julian, do you take Brooke to be thy wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live? JULIAN: I do. PRIEST: Brooke, do you take this man to be thy wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health so long as you both shall live? BROOKE: I do. PRIEST: The rings, please. JULIAN: Thanks, buddy. Brooke, this ring symbolizes my desire for you to be my wife from this day forward. BROOKE: Julian, this ring symbolizes my desire for you to be my husband from this day forward. PRIEST: If anyone can show just cause why this couple should not be joined together, speak now... SKILLS: Don't nobody say nothin'! CHASE: Bam. PRIEST: Well, in...in that case... BROOKE: Okay. PRIEST: By the power vested in me by the state of North Carolina, I now pronounce you husband and wife. JULIAN: Can I kiss my wife now? BROOKE: You better. (They kiss) RECEPTION Haley is impatient to see the bride and groom. HALEY: Why do the bride and groom always make you wait so long before they arrive? NATHAN: I'm sure they'll be here any minute. HALEY: I just want Brooke to love everything. She hasn't seen any of this yet. NATHAN: Don't worry. She's gonna love it. Look at this place. You and Sylvia should do this for a living. HALEY: So, have you, uh, heard Jamie's speech yet? NATHAN: I'm not getting involved, Hales. HALEY: In what? Look, it's not a spy mission. I just want to know if he's gonna play the cute-kid card to win over the room. What? He does that, you know. DJ: Ladies and gentleman, at this time, I'd like everyone to direct their attention to the dance floor as I introduce to you, for the first time anywhere as husband and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Julian Baker! (Julian and Brooke arrive) DJ: And now for their first dance. Julian and Brooke dance. BROOKE: We did it. JULIAN: Yes, we did. BROOKE: So, what now? JULIAN: I don't know. I'm kind of new to this whole marriage thing. I guess we'll just figure it out as we go. BROOKE: Sounds good to me. I love you. JULIAN: I love you, too. Mouth, Millie, Chase, Mia and Skills talk together. MOUTH: Shh! ''Don't nobody say nothin'!'' CHASE: Dude, what were you thinking? SKILLS: Hey, y'all can laugh all you want. But today was the best day of their lives. I mean, everything worked out. No psychos, no kidnappings. Nobody got left at the altar. Now it's time to drink and have slutty wedding s*x. Where's Sylvia? (Skills researches Sylvia) CHASE: What Chase kind of drink is this? BARTENDER: It's my specialty, the Blue Magellan. Enjoy the buzz. CHASE: That's my line. Did you hear that? That guy stole my line and my drink. MILLICENT: Wow. That's not a Brain Blaster. MIA: No. It's delicious. Sorry, Chase. Quinn and Millie join Alex at a table. QUINN: Why are you sitting all by yourself? I have seen at least five cute, single guys here. ALEX: Two. I scanned the room, and they're not even that cute. MILLICENT: Cute enough to make Chase jealous. ALEX: You think so? QUINN: No, Millie. Look, you do not need to be making Chase jealous. MILLICENT: I don't know. He did come here with Mia. ALEX: As friends. MILLICENT: Mm-hmm. Maybe they'll have the slutty wedding s*x. Did I just say that out loud? QUINN: Yeah. MILLICENT: Sorry. I'm a little drunk. But it's just at every wedding, someone has slutty wedding s*x. It's inevitable. ALEX: Then why don't you go find Melvin and get it on? Because Chase isn't gonna nail Mia in some closet. MILLICENT: I hope I catch the bouquet. DJ announces the dance of married with their parents. DJ: If everyone could please once again direct their attention to the dance floor, it's time for the groom and his mother and the bride and her father to lead us in a dance. JULIAN: Um... BROOKE: It's okay. Go. (Paul approaches Brooke) PAUL: Shall we? Brooke dances with Paul. BROOKE: Thank you for doing this. PAUL: You're my daughter now. BROOKE: My dad promised me he'd be here tonight. PAUL: I'm sure he meant it when he said it. I know this won't make you feel better, but take it from a father who knows what it's like to let his child down. He already regrets not being here. Julian dances with Sylvia. JULIAN: Mom, I still can't thank you enough for everything you've done here tonight. SYLVIA: My only son got married today. JULIAN: And thank you for being so civil with dad. I know it's not that easy for you. SYLVIA: It's not so bad. I may want to rip his head off every time he opens his mouth. But the truth is, when I look at him, I am reminded that he is the guy who gave me the single greatest gift in my life. My Aston Martin. And you. Jamie revises his speech, Haley comes to see him. HALEY: So, is that it? JAMIE: Yep. HALEY: Almost that time. I'm ready. I guess the question is... Are you ready? JAMIE: What if no one likes my speech? HALEY: Sweetie, everybody's gonna love your speech. JAMIE: Well, I keep reading it. It's not very good. I don't want Julian to wish he had picked someone else to be his best man. HALEY: Julian chose you because he loves you and because of what you mean to him, not because of some speech that you have to give. Hey, I'm sure it's great, but if you don't like what you wrote, you can always just tell us a story about Julian, something that reminds you of him. DJ: All right, everyone, it's time for the best man to come on up here and say a few words. HALEY: Okay. Take a deep breath. Tell us a story. Jamie says his speech. JAMIE: J.K. Rowling once wrote, "the consequences of our actions are so complicated, so diverse that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed." J.K. Rowling was right. But what most of you don't know is Julian was able to do it. He knew a long time ago that he would find Brooke. When Julian was my age, which was a very, very, very, very long time ago, he went to a county fair, and he met a girl...not Brooke. But they went on a bunch of rides together, including the Octopus. Irrelevant to the story. But that night, Julian felt a crush for the first time, a real crush. Relax, Aunt Brooke. He was my age. So at the end of the night, they decided to break this bumper-car token in half. Julian has kept his half all these years, not because he missed the girl, but because he knew somewhere out there was the other half, his perfect match. And he was right. Today Julian married my Aunt Brooke. She's probably the coolest girl I know and the girl Julian's been waiting for since he broke this bumper-car token in half a long time ago at a county fair. And today, Julian gave me this token. He said he didn't need it anymore because he found his other half. Congratulations, Julian. I think it was worth the wait. JULIAN: Thanks, buddy. Haley tells her speech. HALEY: Well, when I first met Brooke Davis she had no idea who I was. Of course, everyone knew who she was. She was the most popular girl in school. She was head cheerleader, annoyingly pretty. Still is. And I used to wonder back then, "what it would be like to be friends with Brooke? Would she make me popular? Would all the boys start asking me out?" And then one night, I got to hang out with Brooke all night. And, oh, she didn't like my name, though, so she decided she was gonna give me a name that she did like, which ended up being Brooke. And from that moment, I knew that I wanted Brooke to be my friend, not because she was gonna make me popular and not because boys would start asking me out, but because I got a glimpse of the real Brooke, a girl with the biggest heart that I have ever known. And, you know, when you're in High School, it's not very easy to let people see who you really are. I could see it, though. It was in the eyes. So we became friends, and now she's my best friend. We've been through so much together over the years. And our friendship is still growing. So I know that your friendship and love for Julian will continue to grow every year for the rest of your lives. And I feel so lucky to be a part of that. I love you, Brooke Davis. DJ introduces the next part of the party. DJ: And now at this time, I need all the single ladies to come on up to the front. Brooke has something she wants to toss your way. CLAY: All right. Get in there. Make me proud. QUINN: Oh, no, it's my responsibility, you know, to capture the big moments at the wedding, like the bouquet toss. So I can't really participate. CLAY: Right. Give me the camera. Just point and click, right? QUINN: No. It's more complicated than that. I mean, you have to, like... CLAY: Go. I've used a camera before. QUINN: Just point and click. Thanks. DJ: Okay, Brooke. When you're ready. (It's Millicent who catches the bouquet) Clay shows the picture who takes to Quinn. CLAY: You're having fun. It's nice to see you like this. QUINN: I feel like we got our lives back. CLAY: Yeah. QUINN: Clay, I need to tell you something. CLAY: Okay. QUINN: It was my fault that Katie came back. CLAY: Don't say that. It's my fault. QUINN: No, it's not, okay? After I left South Africa, I didn't come home right away...Because I found Katie. And she knew that I found her, so she came back for me. It was my fault, Clay. CLAY: Why didn't you tell me? QUINN: I don't know. Maybe I was afraid of what you'd say. But...But I wanted you to know. It's not fair to you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. CLAY: You've gone through so much. And all of it started with me and Katie. But I could have lost you forever, Quinn. That's not something I can live with. QUINN: I promise I'll always be honest and open with you. CLAY: I'm sorry you had to go through all this. I love you. QUINN: I love you, too. Skills prepares the limousine but Chase and Mia make s*x inside. Julian and Brooke leave the room and prepare to return on their premises. SKILLS: Hey, guys. I think you might want to take your truck. I already had it decorated just in case of an emergency, like if someone decided to steal the limo and drive it off a bridge. BROOKE: Okay. JULIAN: Okay. Thanks, skills. You did a good job here today. I hope you know that. SKILLS: Thank you. Quinn joins Alex, alone, in the table. QUINN: That couldn't have been easy. ALEX: It was unexpected but expected. Does that make sense? QUINN: Yeah. I'm sorry. ALEX: No. You were right. This night wasn't about them. It wasn't about me. It was about Brooke and Julian. And I'm really happy I was here for them. QUINN: You know, you don't have to try so hard with Chase or with any guy. Look at you. You're beautiful and you're fun, and any guy would be so lucky to be with you. ALEX: Thanks, Quinn. You know, I think I just realized something. Chase was into Mia, and then he was into me. And then he wasn't sure. And I think I just I wanted to win. QUINN: So maybe it wasn't about Chase. Maybe it was more about the chase. ALEX: Yeah. QUINN: Come here. No more crying. ALEX: Thanks, Quinn. Haley wakes up Jamie. HALEY: Psst. Hey, sleepy. You did great tonight. JAMIE: You think it was okay? HALEY: Okay? Man, I have heard a lot of best-man speeches in my life, and yours was by far the sweetest, the most honest, and the most memorable. I have never been so proud of you. And you know what? Your little sister would be proud, too. JAMIE: I'm gonna have a little sister? HALEY: Is that okay? JAMIE: Yeah. I hope she's just like you, mom. JULIAN'S TRUCK Brooke and Julian are so happy. BROOKE: We made it, didn't we? JULIAN: You okay, Mrs. Baker? BROOKE: I'm so happy, Mr. Davis. (Brooke passes in front of the house where it grew, as bride this time) End of the episode.

Plan: A: Brooke; Q: What is the name of the bride? A: Haley; Q: Who tells Jamie he's going to have a little sister? A: Millie; Q: Who grows closer to Mouth? A: Augustana; Q: Who performed the opening theme song? Summary: Brooke and Julian's wedding day has finally arrived. Alex and Quinn start to spend a lot more time together, as they continue to share their past experiences with almost dying. Haley tells Jamie that he's going to have a little sister. Millie grows closer to Mouth, due to the wedding. This episode is named after a song by Within Temptation . Opening theme song performed by Augustana .

(Rebekah lies on an old mattress in a poor state suffering from the werewolf bites she received in the previous episode; there is a dripping sound by her bedside as she is coming into a conscious state. She shoots awake gasping only to look around and see a very familiar hospital in full swing; the sound of screaming patients in agony and bustling nurses and doctors attending to them; all dying from Spanish Influenza. She is hallucinating, as we see she is really in an abandoned hospital in New Orleans; antique hospital beds, wheelchairs and equipment left behind and forgotten. She breathes heavily and gasps with fear as she looks around lost in her hallucination. Blood dripping on the floor; a man drops a bloody rag; another man sits up in bed and coughs out blood. She gasps as two doctors drop another patient onto a cot and wheel him toward the morgue. She slowly rolls out of the bed, weakened by the werewolf venom in her system. A woman's laughter is heard echoing through the corridors.) Rebekah: Who's there? (No answer, she struggles to get out of that room as quickly as possible and escape. As she reaches the door she plunges through it escaping outside) Rebekah: How the hell did I get here? (She stumbles toward the steps but before she can go any further she is stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake. She gasps and falls to the ground only to look into the eyes of the familiar face that stabbed her) Rebekah: Genevieve! Genevieve: Rebekah, tell me you're not leaving already. I thought we might reminisce. (Rebekah falls unconscious) (Meanwhile inside, Celeste looks over the body of Klaus who is shirtless and lying on a bed tied down by restraints. He too is weakened by Papa Tunde's blade which has disappeared inside of him. He groans and starts to stir.) (The witches have gathered to say goodbye to Sophie who was killed in the previous episode. Monique stands emotionless with a candle as a man lays bricks over Sophie's grave. Elijah appears and quickly takes out three people at vampire speed, Monique is not phased but others gasp.) Elijah: my siblings have been taken...where are they? Monique: you're interrupting my Aunt Sophie's consecration. Elijah: how did this happen? Monique: Aunt Sophie was a casualty of war. Elijah: Monique I recommend you give me what I want unless of course you'd like me to level this place and everything in it. Monique: that won't be necessary. I have a message for you from Celeste. (She puts her hand out in front of her performing a spell. Elijah pulls at the collar of his shirt uncomfortable, he rips open the top button of his shirt to see the name *Theresa* in italics tattooed on his chest; Monique continues as two more names appear; he rolls up his sleeve to see the familiar name *Sabine*) to find what you're looking for follow the path she left behind. Fleur-de-Lis (Rebekah lay on a hospital bed with the wooden stake still buried in her chest, she is now awake and gasping asGenevieve is humming and making an herb potion mixed with her blood.) Rebekah: What the hell are you doing you ruthless bitch? Genevieve: Poor Rebekah, you should rest. You're looking a little peaked. (She pulls the stake out of Rebekah's chest and lets her blood drip into her potion) Genevieve: Of course, that's to be expected, given the impressive amount of werewolf venom in your system. Rebekah: If I weren't so bloody sick I'd rip you're head off! Genevieve: But you are sick and comforting the sick always was a talent of mine. I take care of my friends. We were friends, weren't we? Of course we were. (She applies a cold cloth to Rebekah's forehead) Flashback New Orleans, 1919 Rebekah: There, there... unidentified sick man (The man coughs blood onto her apron) Rebekah: Oh... that can't be good. You! Red! (Genevieve, in nursing uniform, turns to face her. Rebekah nods her over). Genevieve: Here try to take a sip of this (She gives the patient a small glass of herbal remedies. The man drinks it and quiets down.) Rebekah: Mmm... just like magic.(Rebekah touches her so that she realizes what Rebekah was) But then again what would you expect from a practicing witch? Genevieve: It's a simple herbal remedy. It won't stop the inevitable, but it should ease his pain and quiet his lungs. For a while, at least. Rebekah: You are quite good at this Miss... what was your name again? Genevieve: Genevieve. Rebekah: Lovely... Perhaps you could give me some pointers. Genevieve: Certainly, though it is a bit odd. A vampire serving as a nurse. Rebekah: Please, darling, I'm an Original Vampire. If my city is under attack from this nasty influenza, it is my duty to lend a hand. Besides, if this entire lot dies, who'd be left to eat? Genevieve: You're wicked! Rebekah: You know, I think you and I are going to be fast friends... What do you say you join me at this swell, little jazz joint I've discovered on Basin Street tonight? We can toast to the health of New Orleans. (Genevieve is about to say something but she catches the eye of a brunette nurse just behind them attending to a patient, the nurse stares at her with a concerned glance) Genevieve: Oh, I don't know (Rebekah turns around to face the brunette nurse) Rebekah: You, you should come, too. After playing angels of mercy all day, I'd say we all deserve some fun. End of Flashback - Present Day (Rebekah gasps in the hospital bed, she is alone now. She rolls over and falls off the bed landing on her feet; groaning.) The Abattoir (Elijah walks in quickly as Marcel is sending out more troops to search the city.) Elijah: Anything? Marcel: They're putting eyes and ears out everywhere; day walkers are working every contact we've got. Cops, dock workers, guys in the Treme. Word is out anyone trying to earn favor with me gets a lifetime of it if they find them. Elijah: Good. I need a pen and paper (He walks away and Marcel follows) Marcel: Hey, am I taking orders from you now, or are we in this together? (Elijah removes his jacket) Elijah: Pen and paper, Marcellus. Now! Marcel: I want her back just as much as you do, you know... The both of them. (He turns to fetch the pen and paper from the desk drawer as Elijah removes his shirt and calls out for Hayley) Elijah: Hayley! Hayley: Elijah! You're back. Did you find any-(she takes in his appearance - shirtless and covered in tattoos)-thing? What is happening? Elijah: I need you to make a list of these names. Hayley: Sabine? Elijah, what is this? Elijah: I believe they represent the names of the women Celeste inhabited for the past two centuries. (Marcel rejoins them and hands the paper and pen to Hayley) Marcel: It's called a Devinette. It's old school. Kind of a riddle. Witches use them to teach their kids. Solve it and it disappears. Hayley: Why? What's the point? Elijah: Celeste forced me to make a choice between yourself and my siblings, and now she means to mock that choice, taunting me with a childish game. The longer the game, the more they suffer. To find Klaus and Rebekah, we need to solve this riddle. The solution lies somewhere in these names. Marcel: The name next to Sabine... Annie La Fleur, she's the witch that was shunned from her coven just over a year ago. Never knew why, but I can find out. Fleur-de-Lis Sanatorium (Klaus still lies on the bed in an abandoned room as Genevieve enters; his eyes are closed but he is conscious as she touches his stomach where a nasty scar protrudes from where Papa Tunde's blade disappeared inside of him, he opens his eyes still in a weak state and sweating, circles under his eyes.) Genevieve: You poor thing (She speaks to him gently and goes over to the hospital cart and picks up a scalpel off the tray, his eyes watch her) Genevieve: Don't worry, I'm here to help. (She speaks as she cuts open his stomach along the line of the red scar, she pushes up her sleeve and digs her hand into his stomach; he screams and thrashes against the restraints as she pulls out Papa Tunde's blade; he growls at her and writhes in pain) Annie La Fleur Village (Elijah and Marcel go to the village where Annie lived after she was shunned; they are able to speak to someone who knew her.) Man: Annie was a good girl, the witches did her wrong shunning her like that; claiming she was doing dark magic; there's no way but they had proof. So she just quit and I can't really blame her for that cause once you've been shunned what's the point in going on, you know? French Quarter Street (Elijah is walking down a busy street on his cell phone with Hayley explaining what happened to Annie La Fleur.) Hayley: She killed herself? Elijah: Yes, drowned herself in the Mississippi, to be precise; Celeste was clearly tired of the body and ready to take Sabine's. Hayley: How do you know that? Elijah: Because she leapt to her death from the very location Celeste and I had our first kiss. Hayley: Poetic, I guess... in a creepy vendetta sort of way. Elijah: All these names, these lives, stolen that Celeste might take her revenge. I suppose we have no choice but to see where they take us. Hayley, I have to go. I'll call you back. Hayley: Elijah, wait! Elijah: What is it? Hayley: Ask Marcel if he knows anything about a name on that list Brynne Deveraux. Sophie said that it was her family's bloodline that put the curse on the crescent wolves, but Celeste said that she was the only one that could break it. If Brynne Deveraux was actually Celeste when she cast the spell, then maybe Celeste can still break it. Elijah: I'll see what he knows. Hayley: Elijah, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. If I had known that Celeste made you choose who to help- Elijah: You were going to die in that fire Hayley along with my brother's child there was no choice (He hangs up before she can respond) Fleur-de-Lis Sanatorium (Klaus is now in a sitting position as Genevieve has put his black long sleeve shirt back on him; he is still weakened, sweating and in a poor state. He glares at her.) Klaus: My wound isn't healing. Genevieve: The amount of dark magic contained in that blade? It's gonna take a little while. Klaus: You're one of them aren't you? The witches back from the dead; seeking vengeance. Why show me kindness? (She strokes his face) Genevieve: You never did anything to me. And the truth is, seeing you like this, I can't help but pity you. Klaus: Then betray the others and stand with me. I will reward you in ways you cannot possibly fathom. Genevieve: Klaus Mikaelson, offering a deal to little ol' me? I should be flattered. But first we need to have a talk about your sister. (His facial expression changes as she walks away from him) Klaus: Rebekah is of no concern to you. If you mean to harm her- (He growls out, his voice rising) Genevieve: Ah, the protective brother. A shame that loyalty isn't reciprocated. But then, I'm no stranger to Rebekah's treachery. Something you and I have in common. Here. (She holds out the bowl that she was seen previously making in the company of Rebekah) Genevieve: Drink. I'm just trying to help you. Heal you. Get you to see the truth that's been right in front of you for almost a century. (Klaus drinks but before he can swallow he is about to spit it up; Genevieve puts her hand over his mouth, tipping his head back and forcing him to swallow it; he chokes it down) Genevieve: Your sister had an unfortunate run-in with some wolves last night. I imagine you're tasting the venom in her blood. It's the only way I can show you what you need to see. In her weakened state, I'll be able to guide her down memory lane. That's how I'm going to have my revenge. By showing you her betrayal. (She says putting her hand on his forehead linking their minds. Rebekah in her hallucinatory state stops in the corridor she looks up to see Klaus standing at the other end staring at her.) Rebekah: Niklaus! (She runs toward him passing rooms on the way; in the first room there is a young boy sitting on a table; his eyes darkened with purplish bruises holding a cloth to his mouth coughing up blood. In the next room, a teen girl in a pink night gown sitting in a bathtub staring at her; blood dripping down her mouth and onto her grown. The next room, an old man hitting his chest and spurting up blood; she cringes as she passes the sign on the wall that reads *Crematorium* she pushes the door open.) Flashback, 1919 (Rebekah walks into the Crematorium with a smile on her face to greet Marcel; the two embrace and begin to make out. He pushed her up against the wall and puts his hand on her leg. She laughs and pulls away.) Rebekah: Marcel have some respect. Marcel: Yeah, I don't think they mind. (He looks around briefly, indicating the bodies in the morgue they're in, all lost to Influenza.) Marcel: Did you ask Genevieve about doing the spell? Rebekah: I will when the time is right. Marcel: Rebekah, you've been hanging around that witch for weeks waiting for the time to be right. She wasn't supposed to become your sidekick. One little spell and we can finally be together for real. What are you waiting for? Rebekah: She's a sweet girl, is all. If you must know, I feel badly for using her. Marcel: Then we'll find another witch; one you don't have to fake a friendship with. Unless you've changed your mind? Rebekah: I want to wake up with you in our home, in the bed that we share. I want to walk down the street with you by my side so everyone knows that you are mine and I am yours. I don't want to be afraid of what my brother will do to me for loving you. If this is the only way to get it, then no, my mind hasn't changed. (They kiss again as Genevieve walks into the room) Genevieve: O-oh! (They break apart to look at her as she stands there holding bloody sheets) Genevieve: I didn't know anyone was in here. I'm so sorry (She hurries out and Rebekah follows after her) Rebekah: Genevieve! End of Flashback, Present Day (Rebekah has opened the door leading back into the corridor to follow Genevieve Rebekah: Genevieve, wait! (Genevieve disappears and Rebekah is left alone in the abandoned hall) Rebekah: I'm sorry. (Klaus is pulled out of Rebekah's mind to face Genevieve he seems amused and bored) Klaus: So this is you're great betrayal? Rebekah and Marcel have been sneaking around behind my back for the better half of two centuries. Genevieve: Yes, against all your warnings you've disciplined them for it before had you now? Harshly from what I understand. Klaus: Well, I had my reasons. Genevieve: Oh, you don't have to convince me as far as I'm concerned you only needed one. That it suited you. Have you ever read the Old Testament, Nik? You see God wasn't powerful because he was right, he was right because he was powerful. Klaus: I don't know what you're playing at but if the sum total of your plan was to turn me against my sister was this revelation, this will have been a wholly ineffective endeavor. Genevieve: You poor thing. After a thousand years, dishonesty from your family has come to be expected. I wish that was the sum total of their treachery. Unfortunately, it's not. The Pit (Marcel's vampires are casually relaxing at the bar when suddenly the doors fly open and a man is thrown onto the floor. Elijah and Marcel follow in behind him.) Man: Wh-what do you want from me (Marcel throws him into a chair) Elijah: Well, I assume you're familiar with this pigsty, quite appropriately known as the Pit. See, awkwardly enough, only weeks ago a group of human beings just like yourself slaughtered many of the companions of the vampires that you see assembled before you here. Marcel: You run the records room at city hall. We're told the former Mayor kept a detailed record of the supernatural community. A ledger of names of witches, werewolves and vampires specifically their death records. We need it. Man: I-I don't know where it is. Elijah: I think we both know that's a fib. Anyone feeling hungry? (Elijah closes the door a little so that the sunlight is not there and the vampires can come forward.) Man: Oh! Ok w-wait they moved the records after the Mayor died they're at the sacristy of St. Anne's Church. Elijah: See? There, wasn't so difficult, now, was it? Fleur-de-Lis Sanatorium (Rebekah is running through the abandoned corridors when she comes around the corner to face two small children they stand before her quietly then suddenly they let out a piercing, deafening scream.) Rebekah: Ah! (She stumbles backward) Genevieve: rRugh day? Oh, Becks! Those bites are looking nasty. Rebekah: Why make me relive the past? We both know how it ends. Genevieve: You and I both know, but I thought your brother might like to hear our story, so I linked your mind to his. You're gonna show him everything. Rebekah: NO! NO! Please don't do that to me, I'll do anything. Genevieve: It's too late, friend. (Rebekah tries to attack her but Genevieve is too strong; Rebekah grabs her head and screams in pain until she falls unconscious; Genevieve walks away leaving Rebekah alone in the hall) [SCENE_BREAK] The Abattoir Elijah: Marcel, here's another name from our list: Brynne Deveraux. Says here she drowned herself some twenty years ago. Do you recognize the name? Marcel: Brynne? Yeah, yeah, we used to hang out knock around a bit. Elijah: You can spare me the details, please. Marcel: She used to do some spells for me now and then. Girl had power, cursed a whole pack of werewolves just because they were pissing me off. Speaking of, what do you think Klaus is gonna do when he finds out that you left him to suffer while you saved Hayley and her wolf friends? Elijah: Let's avoid discussing matters that are not your concern, shall we, Marcellus? Marcel: Oh, come on, Elijah. I got guys all over this city. You honestly think that I don't know that the Crescent wolves had a little family reunion out at the plantation last night? Thanks for letting the house burn, by the way. Good riddance! But my question is, what's Hayley doing with that bunch? Elijah: Marcel, I'm aware of your history with the city's wolves, and I assume you understand that if you lay a finger upon Hayley, it will be the last thing you do on this earth. Marcel: I see I hit a nerve. And just when we were getting along. Elijah: We were right! Every name upon my flesh signifies a witch who died by her own hand. All but one. Clara Summerlin. Marcel: Ring any bells? Elijah: None. Marcel: Okay, well, if she didn't off herself then how did she die? Elijah: Influenza Epidemic of 1919. (His tattoos disappear) Elijah: I suppose we have our answer, though I have no idea what it means. Fleur-de-Lis Sanatorium (Genevieve has an old record player sitting on a vintage wheelchair, she plays an old jazz tune it echoes throughout the hospital corridors; Rebekah wakes to the sound. A quick shot to the Jazz Club in 1919 playing the song.) Rebekah: NO! NO! Please! (Klaus hears the music as well; Genevieve enters the room). Genevieve: Your sister's tryst with Marcel was only the beginning. You see, the burden of your condemnation was too great, and as a result your deepest fear came to pass: that their love for each other would overshadow their love for you and turn it into hate. Nik, they conspired to rid themselves of you for good. (Rebekah runs down the hall she finds the record player and smashes it against the ground but the music still plays as she holds her head flashing back to that night in the Jazz club). Flashback Jazz Club, 1919 (Clara, Rebekah and Genevieve walk through the club) Clara: Okay, next round's on me. Genevieve: Clara Summerlin, no! I'll be soused. Rebekah: Get it while you can - it's the last real gin in the city! (Clara heads to the bar) Clara: Bartender? (Rebekah and Genevieve sit down at a table) Genevieve: You're nothing like I thought you'd be when I first met you. I was brought up to think your kind were, well... Rebekah: An abomination of nature? Genevieve: You're anything but! Not just you, your whole family is so... elegant (A quick shot over to Elijah) Rebekah: Yes, I agree, Elijah is quite peerless. Genevieve: I don't know... I mean, he's nice and all, but if I had to go for one Mikaelson boy... Rebekah: Klaus? Genevieve, who'd have thought a saintly little witch like you would go for the bad boys? I knew we were destined to be friends! At the bar Clara: More gin, please. (A man next to her spills his drink on her) Clara: Oh! (Elijah appears by her side, handing his handkerchief to her) Elijah: Please, allow me. Keep it, it's yours. (He walks off) At Rebekah's table Rebekah: Well, there's a load of us Mikaelsons. If you like bad boys, you'd love my brother, Kol. (Present-day Klaus appears, observing this conversation intently within his mind.) Genevieve: And where is this mystery brother of yours? Rebekah: It's complicated. Like all siblings, we've had our ups and downs. Family feuds. In fact, I was thinking of reaching out to someone we haven't seen in a very long while. I was hoping that maybe you could help me contact them. But it would have to be a surprise. No one could know. Genevieve: Of course. Do you want me to find your brother Kol? Rebekah: Actually, I'd like you to find Mikael... our father. End of Flashback, Present Day Klaus: ENOUGH OF YOUR LIES! Genevieve: Don't dismember the messenger. Part of you must have known, suspected at least. Your father came to New Orleans in 1919 to kill you, did he not? And as the city burned, he nearly succeeded. Klaus: My family and I have done some terrible things to each other over the years, but Rebekah would not call my father! No matter how angry she was. Genevieve: It's sweet of you to believe that, to believe in her, but by the time we're done you'll know just how wrong you are. The Abattoir (Hayley is typing on the computer as Elijah enters) Hayley: Hey, look, I found- (Elijah stops her with a gesture, indicating silence.) Elijah: You were right about the Deveraux witch. (Before she can say anything Marcel enters) Marcel: Find anything about Clara, the mystery witch? Hayley: Not much. She was a nurse as the Fleur De Lis Sanatorium (Marcel freezes) Hayley: Recognize her? (She clicks on a picture and points to her) Hayley: Top row, second from the right. Elijah: No, I don't. Marcel. (He looks up and recognizes the odd behavior) Elijah: Marcel? Do I need to remind you that Niklaus and Rebekah are somewhere suffering horribly? If you know something, talk. Marcel: The Sanatorium. That's where you'll find them. Hayley: Are you sure? How do you know? Marcel: I just know. Elijah: How do you know? Marcel: If I'm right, you need to know exactly what we're walking into. We did something, Rebekah and I... I think the witches are trying to use it against her. It was, uh... something that you're not gonna like. Fleur-de-Lis Sanatorium Genevieve: Are you ready to see more proof? (Klaus doesn't say anything, so Genevieve links their minds again) Flashback Cemetery, 1919 (Genevieve is performing a spell while Marcel and Rebekah stand behind her; Klaus watches unseen. Genevieve holds up a newspaper article with a photo of Marcel and Klaus at the Jazz Club; she crumples it up and uses a wooden blade to put into the flame of the candle flame; Klaus gasps) Present Day Genevieve: What do you see? Klaus: My father's blade... it went missing when I was a boy. He beat me half to death, so sure I had stolen it. Rebekah was so kind to me in the weeks after the beating... I should have known she was the culprit. She never could stand weapons were things not meant for girls. Flashback GENEVIEVE: Pran ce mesaj sa a, les cendres sur le vent. (Genevieve finishes the spell as the newspaper article catches fire and disintegrates) Present Day Rebekah: No! (Klaus is sitting in the chair, tears fall from his face he now knows the truth ) Klaus: My sister. Rebekah. REBEKAH! The Abattoir ELIJAH: For the better part of a century, I have wondered how father found us, what foolish mistake that we had made to destroy our time in the one place that we could finally call home. Did you know, I even blamed myself for a time, Marcellus? HAYLEY: Elijah..! ELIJAH: Niklaus treated you like a son. MARCEL: Rebekah. I loved her. I still love her. All we ever wanted was to be together, but as long as Klaus was around, that was never gonna happen. But hey, I guess you wouldn't know anything about that, huh? ELIJAH: When Klaus learns the truth, there will be no end to his rage. I will not let my sister suffer that wrath. MARCEL: Then we need to get to them before he learns the truth. SANITORIUMEdit CELESTE: Just give it up, Rebekah. It's inevitable at this point. REBEKAH: Sabine. CELESTE: I prefer Celeste, actually. All these names I've had over the years and I still prefer the first. Perhaps it was the way it sounded on Elijah's lips, like a declaration of love. Oh, he was a good liar. All of you are. REBEKAH: Say what you want about me, but Elijah is a good man. CELESTE: Still defending him, even until the bitter end. Good. I'm counting on that familial love. It'll be the ruin of you all. Now that Klaus knows what you've done, he'll never stop until he's had his revenge. He'll kill Marcel. Do something horrible to you. Elijah will never forgive him. Your betrayal will ultimately pit brother against brother. And the fabled Mikaelson bond will crumble. REBEKAH: I'll kill you, you bitch. CELESTE: You already did. Though at the time, I wore a different face. FLASHBACK REBEKAH: Genevieve, we need to talk. Privately. CLARA: I'll be fine here. You go ahead. You should wash up anyway. Hey. Incinerate that as soon as you can. PRESENT DAY REBEKAH: You were the other one. Clara. You should have minded your own business. CELESTE: I suspected my friend was being exploited. It was my business. FLASHBACK GENEVIEVE: Call it off? Are you mad? REBEKAH: I was wrong. It was stupid and and impulsive, and it will ruin us, Genevieve. Not just Klaus but Elijah, too. I risked tearing our family apart for my own selfish happiness. I'm begging you, please, don't bring Mikael here. If Klaus finds out what we have done... what you have done. GENEVIEVE: Klaus will kill me. He'll kill my entire family. REBEKAH: Which is exactly why I need you to undo it. GENEVIEVE: It doesn't work that way. There is no undoing it. Mikael is coming. The only hope now Is tell Klaus the truth. Confess what we've done. REBEKAH: That is not an option. He will dagger me and leave me in a box for centuries. You will not say a word. GENEVIEVE: You used me. This whole time. Our friendship. All you wanted was a favor, and now you want to take it back? Well, you can't. And I will not suffer because I was foolish enough to trust you. REBEKAH: It was a mistake. I know that now. But that one mistake will destroy us. Aah! Uhh! Aah! GENEVIEVE: You brought this on yourself. I will not be destroyed along with you. Uhh! REBEKAH: I'm so sorry, Genevieve. But if you tell Niklaus you summoned Mikael, you're dead either way. CLARA: Genevieve, is everything all right? PRESENT DAY CELESTE: So, you infected me, too. Compelled the orderlies to keep us in quarantine until we died. Fortunately, I just took another body. Genevieve wasn't so lucky. Well, now that she's back You're the one who's luck's run out. (Elsewhere in the sanatorium, Genevieve talks to Klaus) GENEVIEVE: I'm sorry. I know how much this hurts. To see what she did To see who she really is. But you needed to know. You needed to see it. And now that you have, you can take your revenge. Our revenge. Please. Go ahead. You'll need your strength for what comes next. (Klaus feeds from Genevieve's arm. She slowly undoes his bindings. He jumps up suddenly, aiming Papa Tunde's blade at her, but leaves her unharmed.) KLAUS: Rebekah! Rebekah! (Elijah and Marcel arrive outside the sanatorium) ELIJAH: We should divide the building. I'll start at one end, you at the other. (Inside, Rebekah sees Klaus) REBEKAH: Nik. Nik, it isn't true. KLAUS: I want to believe you, sister. But your face tells a different story. You cannot hide from me, Rebekah! Nor can you run. This ends now. (Outside, Celeste walks out the front of the sanatorium. Hayley sneaks up on her and hits her over the head with a shovel.) CELESTE: Uhh! HAYLEY: Hey, there, witch bitch. You and I are gonna have a little chat. (Inside, Klaus hunts Rebekah) KLAUS: Rebekah! Tired of running? REBEKAH: I know how much you enjoy the chase. I'd sooner deny you the pleasure. KLAUS: Well, then I'll take my pleasures in other ways. No more "daggered in a box" for you. Trust me, sister, you'll long for what the dagger offered. This will be far less merciful. How to describe exactly what this blade does? REBEKAH: You don't have to do this, Nik. KLAUS: After I plunge this into your heart, you will be immobilized, imprisoned in a state of raw, inescapable anguish. Time loses all meaning. It's not unlike a living hell, which I find rather fitting given your treachery. REBEKAH: Then do it. If that's what you really want. KLAUS: Are we skipping the part where you beg for mercy? For forgiveness? Because I was really looking forward to that. REBEKAH: I'll pass. I know better than to think it would do me any good. KLAUS: That's it, then? You concede? Like a lamb to the slaughter. What would your father think of you now? (Rebekah goes at Klaus, but he throws her off easily. Still weak from the werewolf venom, she grunts in pain. Covertly grabbing a weapon, she gets up and goes at Klaus again, hitting him repeatedly with it. Klaus is stronger and throws her off. Marcel enters and goes at Klaus, ineffectively.) KLAUS: Just the man I wanted to see. MARCEL: Uhh. KLAUS: Rebekah's punishment won't be complete until she watches you die. REBEKAH: Nik, it was my idea to summon Mikael. If you're gonna hurt anyone, it should be me. KLAUS: Such loyalty to your beloved. You know, if you had offered me even a fraction of the same, I wouldn't have to do this. (He lifts the blade, about to stab Rebekah with it, but Elijah intervenes and stabs it into Klaus' chest.) ELIJAH: Go. Both of you. Run as far and as fast as you can. Run! (Rebekah and Marcel get away, leaving Elijah with a disabled Klaus in his arms.)

Plan: A: 1919; Q: What year did Marcel and Rebekah begin their plan? A: Rebekah; Q: Who is the nurse? A: their unconditional love; Q: What do Marcel and Rebekah want to keep forever? A: Celeste; Q: Who is Clara Summerlin? A: Mikael; Q: Who does Rebekah use Genevieve to bring back? A: the contagious bloody cloth; Q: What did Rebekah use to infect Genevieve and Clara? A: the present; Q: When does Genevieve reveal the betrayal of Marcel and Rebekah? A: Hayley; Q: Who is on a mission of her own? A: answers; Q: What is Hayley looking for? A: her betrayal; Q: What does Klaus want to punish Rebekah for? A: Elijah; Q: Who saves Rebekah and Marcel from Klaus? Summary: Back in 1919, Marcel and Rebekah begin a plan in order to keep their unconditional love forever. Rebekah works as a nurse and befriends the witch Genevieve as well as Clara Summerlin (who happened to be Celeste), and later uses Genevieve to bring back Rebekah's father - Mikael who can kill Klaus. However when Rebekah attacks Genevieve, Clara oversees and Rebekah both infected them with the contagious bloody cloth, leaving them to die desperately. In the present, Genevieve reveals to Klaus about the betrayal of Marcel and Rebekah. Hayley on the other hand is on a mission of her own as she attacks Celeste and is looking for answers. Finally, when Klaus is freed and is on his way to punish Rebekah for her betrayal, Elijah comes in time to save both her and Marcel.

Kevin: So, uh... you found a band for your wedding yet? Pam: No. Kevin: 'Cause I'm in a band. We really rock. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Yeah, I mean it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Oh I got the 'Save The Date'. Pam: Yeah? Phyllis: Yeah, pretty stationery. Pam: Oh, thanks! Angela: I didn't get mine yet. Pam: Uh... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Uh, on or off? I.D. Photographer: Off. Phyllis: Okay... [removes glasses] Dwight: Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise? Phyllis: [leaving the room] Excuse me. Dwight: Clown paint. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: That's a nice tie. Ryan: Thank you. Michael: That is... who makes that? Ryan: Um, I don't... Michael: Do you mind if I wear that for the photo? Ryan: Um... let's um, let's keep our clothes. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: It's like child abuse. I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean on some levels... it's... and I'm supposed to work there. I'm supposed... Michael: [walking into the Conference room] What's the dealio? Toby: Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer's back there today. Michael: What's the problem? Oscar: Angela! Toby: It's just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace. Oscar: Since Christmas. Michael: So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating? Oscar: No. Toby: Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please? Michael: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen. Michael: Yeah? Toby: These things just have a way of working themselves out. Michael: Okay. Toby: It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it. Michael: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So... Toby: Okay. Michael: Okay... what? Toby: That was the right decision for me and my marriage. Michael: Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. [leans over to Pam] Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [holding up a binder] A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.[in a comedic voice] My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style. Angela: Can we go? I have a lot of work to do. Michael: No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose. Oscar: What's the next one? Michael: Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation? Angela: Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever? Michael: Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in front of poster] Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using "I" emotion language and no judging or "you" statements. Angela: I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor. Michael: Come on, seriously, that? Oscar: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I'm talking about the... Michael: Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win. Pam: Win! Michael: Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win. Oscar: No. Angela: That's... no... Michael: Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution. Angela: How about, I leave it up? Oscar: How 'bout, she takes it down? Pam: How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Michael: Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win. Pam: Win. Oscar: Fine. Angela: But, it... Michael: [claps his hands twice] It is done! Pam: Win [SCENE_BREAK] Photographer: [snaps a photo of Creed, then Creed turns to the side for a profile shot] No, you're all good. Creed: Great. [gets up and leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey, Angela.[hands her a Save The Date card] I didn't have your zip code. Angela: Oh. Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: It was hand delivered. But, I did get a Save The Date after all. It's not my taste. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: You solved it? Michael: Yes. Toby: Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. [shuffles through papers] Michael: Are those all the other complains? Toby: Mmm-Hm. Michael: I would like to see those please. Toby: I... I can't do that. Michael: You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file. Toby: That... [shakes head and places hand over the file] Michael: Okay. [yanks the file away, despite Toby's resistance] There! No more conflict. [looks at the camera] I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. [looks back at Toby] All right... is that it? Toby: [sighs and pulls out a box under his desk] It's all Dwight's. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything? [SCENE_BREAK] Photographer: Are you sure? [looks at Oscar, who is front of the camera, holding the baby poster in front of his chest] Dwight: Oh, he's sure. Just shoot. Photographer: [shoots twice] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [looking through papers in the complaint box] This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist. Pam: Nice. Michael: You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This [unlocks a drawer]is January through March of this year. [pulls out a fairly large folder] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? [looks at all the employees, most of whom raise their hands] And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? [employees mumble "merely listen to and forgotten..." ] That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... [sighs] Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute? Angela: You already did me. Michael: That's what she said. [Jim mouths these words along with Michael] The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does "redacted" mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked "redacted"... ? Toby: Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off. Michael: Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago. Dwight: Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago? Pam: [notices Angela's intense concern] Um... let's move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me? Michael: All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And [looks through the file]... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next. Pam: Wait, what did it say? Michael: Uh... [reading]"Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?" [Pam looks Angela an angry look] Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I've been really nice to her... and I haven't told anyone. And what the hell?! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Here is a Kelly complaint: "Ryan never returns my calls." Ugh, join the club. Ryan: My voicemail's really spotty... sometimes... Kelly: I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking. Toby: To your HR representative. Kelly: To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn. Toby: Fine, I'll take your name off. [looks at Michael] So no one will know. Michael: [crumbles up the complaint paper] Makin' progress. [Jim raises his hand] Yes? Jim: Dwight tried to kiss me. Michael: What?! Jim: And I didn't tell anyone because I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Dwight: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it! Jim: Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it. Dwight: Okay, question. [looks at Toby] When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York? Toby: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Stanley. [off camera] Pam: [gets up and walks over to Angela, whispering to her] Hey. Thanks for ratting me out! Michael: [still of camera] You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it. Anglea: I didn't do it! [Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera, but it's inaudible] Pam: I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only". Stanley, you know that's not true. Stanley: I didn't say that. Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? [Michael, along with the camera, look at the standard stick man on the bathroom door.] Michael: Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee. Phyllis: No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close. Michael: And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him. Phyllis: Stanley and I are close, too. Stanley: We sit close. Michael: Oh... ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [sits down for his ID picture] Just take it. [flashes goes off, while he is standing back up again] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I can't believe Angela. I went against my better judgment, and I gave her a Save The Date. And now it turns out she complained about me to Toby. Jim: Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she's just trying to be friends. Pam: Don't take her side. Jim: [sighs] Well, what does Roy think about everything? Pam: I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff. Jim: You mean your thoughts and feelings? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Yeah... [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I know you keep saying it's your space, even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting. Angela: Yes, that's the problem. Phyllis: I guess so... Michael: Okay, well... all settled, then. Phyllis: [whispering to Angela] I don't like you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell? [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable. Kevin: I accept your decision! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey... you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo I.D. taken together. Dwight: That doesn't make any sense. Jim: Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect. Photographer: [to Dwight, who is sitting in front of the camera] Smile. Dwight: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: This came out really well. [picks up Dwight's I.D. from the laminating machine and hands it to Dwight] There you go. Dwight: This is humongous. I am not a security threat... Jim: Oh. Dwight: And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'. Jim: What did I write? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file. Toby: Talk to Michael. I gave him the box. Dwight: What box?! [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: But I didn't report your snoring- Stanley: Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays... [Dwight walks in and rummages through his complaint box] Michael: Uh. Dwight. Dwight: Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand. Michael: Okay! Calm down. Dwight: No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on? Michael: Hey, hey! Dwight: Him or me? Michael: Stop. Dwight: Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore. Michael: Okay... Dwight: Either he goes, or I go. Michael: Dwight... Dwight: You choose! Michael: Stop... Dwight: One of us is out of here by the end of today! [runs out] Michael: Oh... kay... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I am not bluffing! Michael: Okay. Dwight: Okay? Michael: Yes. Dwight: Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years. Michael: Mm-hmm. Dwight: I deserve this. You know I do! Michael: [picks up Dwight's I.D. and snickers] You know your I.D. says you're a security threat? Dwight: You have till five. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Michael: Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." [flips to another paper] "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to." [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone." [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [reading] "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'." [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier." [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Maybe Stanford would be cool. Dwight: It's a good market. Higher volume. Jim: Yeah. Maybe we should both go. Dwight: I have a girlfriend... Jim: Sure you do, Dwight. Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later. Dwight: So, you going to transfer Jim or not? Michael: Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work. Dwight: I want an answer by tomorrow. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week? Dwight: Fine. Michael: Good. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here? Photographer: I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos. Michael: Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right? Photographer: You mean digital? Michael: It'll take like two seconds. Photographer: 20 bucks. Michael: Ugh... All right. Everybody, [looks around at the employees] come on. Group photo for the newsletter. Stanley: You gotta be kiddin' me. Michael: Come on, everybody. Dwight: Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] Photographer: One, two, three... smile. [camera flashes, but no one smiles] Try to smile. Michael: We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts. Photographer: Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three. [camera flashes] Michael: Good, let's check that out. [looks at preview screen] Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more. Photographer: That'll be another 20. Michael: What? Pam: Angela, I want to talk to you about something. Michael: [off camera] You just press the button. Angela: What? Jim: No, Pam. Pam: [looks at to Jim] I am. [looks at Angela] It's about the Save The Date. Jim: Pam, it wasn't her. Pam: What?! Jim: I'm the one who complained about you. Jim: I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. [the camera flashes] I was just venting. Michael: [off camera] Okay, good. Check that out. Jim: You know, it was one day. Michael: [off camera] That's terrible. Jim: And I took it right back. It was like... Pam: Okay. Phyllis: Oh, dear. Michael: [off camera] Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. [rejoins the group, on camera] Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. [flash goes off before he sits down] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [flashback the photo being taken] One, two..[flash goes off] Didn't say three, did I? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on Pam's answering machine] Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye. [camera shows Jim sitting on a waiting coach in another Dunder Mifflin office] Female worker: Okay, Jan will see you now. Jim: Oh, thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.

Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who reads the complaints out loud? A: Toby; Q: Who keeps files of employee complaints? A: old conflicts; Q: What does Michael's reading bring up? A: Dwight's conflict resolution meeting; Q: What meeting does Jim have with Dwight? A: his work situation; Q: What does Jim have an epiphany about? A: Pam; Q: Who is trying to figure out who complained about her wedding planning? Summary: Michael learns that Toby keeps files detailing all of the complaints employees have had against each other. Angry that the disputes have not been resolved, Michael reads them out loud, which brings up old conflicts and leaves the employees bitter and angry. Dwight's conflict resolution meeting with Jim causes the latter to have an epiphany about his work situation. Angered that someone complained about her wedding planning, Pam tries to figure out who it was.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] You shot the one man makes a difference to me and somehow convinced Kendal to throw away his life to save yours. Darryl: Man, you crazy. Boyd Crowder is dead? Wynn: Very dead, indeed. The other one? Wynn: Darryl Crowe? Sí. You want him? I'll find him. By sundown tomorrow. Wynn: I told them I executed you. I suggested they get a hotel while I track down Darryl Crowe. Boyd: A friend of mine discovered what he believes to be 5 or 6 kilos of heroin. I think they call them "bricks." Darryl Crowe Jr. is looking to build a house with those bricks. Raylan: We don't want him on felony possession. We want him on attempted murder. Ava: I thought about your proposal about Boyd. I'm gonna talk to him. I'm gonna get him to cooperate. Raylan: You're too late. Boyd already cooperated. Boyd: Now, I want to know where we stand on our deal. Raylan: You said you'd help us get him. You didn't get him. So we'll be proceeding to bring charges against you A.S.A.P. Boyd: Jimmy? You got those last six keys? I do. Boyd: Put them in the ceiling above my desk, then hit the road. Yeah, Boyd. [cellphone thuds] Kendal will be tried for attempted murder of a federal officer as an adult. Wendy: Who did this?! Raylan: I did. Tim: Everything we've been through to get them here, now you want to cut them loose. Raylan: They can't hang themselves if we don't give them any rope. Rachel: What about Wendy? Raylan: I want to keep her here a bit. Rachel: But if we're not charging her... Raylan: We can hold her for a couple of hours. Rachel: I know we can hold her. Just trying to figure out what it is you're up to. Darryl: Hey! You ain't just walking away from this bullshit, man. Tim: Easy, now, Darryl. Darryl: What, you got some personal sh1t against my family, huh? Raylan: You want to confess, we'll listen. Otherwise, you should go. Darryl: Yeah, how about I just smack the sh1t out of you right here? Wendy: Jesus christ, Darryl. Would you please not make it worse? Raylan: Don't worry. He won't. Staying out of jail's the whole point. Darryl: Yeah, you big and tough around all these marshals. Why don't we step outside? You ain't so big and tough, right? Raylan: I ain't your problem, Darryl. Darryl: And what is? Raylan: Kendal is. He'll be here soon for arraignment. He hears the full weight of the charges against him, I got a feeling his story might change. We both know what happens then. Darryl: I'm gonna tell you what happens then. I'm gonna go that good lawyer I was speaking to. Ain't no way in hell y'all are charging him as an adult. Let's go, Wendy. Rachel: We're holding her. Darryl: Why? Rachel: Because we said so. Darryl: I'm gonna go take care of this, Wendy, all right? I'll be back soon. You and me, Raylan. That's a goddamn promise. [elevator bell dings] [indistinct talking] Raylan: Your brother ain't coming back. Wendy: Go to hell. Raylan: Right now, he's making a list, and it does not include coming back to defend your child. Wendy: Darryl was right. That boy makes one awful mistake, and you're prepared to throw his entire life away for it. Raylan: You're wrong about Darryl. You're wrong about Kendal. I'm gonna prove that to you. Darryl: [shouts] [grunts] Hey, you that other marshal, huh? Tim: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to keep your hands where I can see them, Darryl. Darryl: I ain't trying to start no sh1t. [inhales sharply] I'm just tired. I'm trying to see ... is there a motel around here I could go catch a couple, two, three hours of sleep? Tim: Well, there's a motel 6 over where the 75 hits the 60. Darryl: Is that right? Tim: Yeah. Darryl: I don't know the area too well. You think I could follow you? [Tim chuckles] The way this works, Darryl... Darryl: Mm. Tim: ...is I follow you around. Darryl: Well, suit yourself. That car don't look too good for sleeping, though. Tim: You know, my second tour in Afghanistan... Darryl: Yeah? Tim: ...me and my spotter spent four days on a freezing mountain, just watching this village where someone thought Mustafa Mohamed Falhid might be hiding. Darryl: Mm. Tim: So while I appreciate your concern, this here? This may as well be a slow night in the champagne room for how comfortably erect I'm gonna be watching your bitch ass squirm about. Darryl: Okay. Tim: You need anything else? Darryl: Well, you all catch him? Tim: Oh, you don't what to know what we did to that guy. Darryl: Mm. [breathes deeply] Well, if you want to cuddle, you know where to find me. Tim: Oh, yeah. Darryl: Two knocks, I'll hold you real good. [muffled shout in distance] Drop the gun, Boyd. Boyd: Well, that's one way to go. The other way is, I shoot you. See if I can get your amigo before he gets me. You could do that. But how are you going to get him? [Boyd sighs] You should know ... your friend tried to escape to warn you when he heard your keys in the door. Boyd: He's a good man. He was. [gunshot] [muffled shout] Boyd: No! [muffled whimpering] Boyd: No! You were told no bodies could be found in Mexico. [whimpering stops] So now the bodies of those responsible will be found in the U.S. [title music] ♪ On this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul ♪ ♪ god get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] Wynn Duffy told us he killed you. Boyd: Well, maybe I took a page from the book of mark and have risen. I wasn't sure, after you saw us, if you would come back. Well, Alberto, to be quite honest, I didn't think that you were in town for me. Was it that? Or was it that you needed these before you ran? Boyd: I didn't execute those men in the desert. You were the one who made promises. Boyd: Darryl Crowe is who you want. We want both of you. You have until noon. Deliver him quickly, you die quickly. [sighs] Hey. [exhales slowly] [sighs] Boyd: Well, Mr. Yoon has got you mighty paranoid, don't you think? [chuckles] I will see everything you send. Screw with me, you will be begging for a bullet. [door opens] Raylan: How you doing, Kendal? Kendal: Better when you tell me what the hell I'm here for. Raylan: You're a tough kid. I get it. I'm just here to talk, off the record ... see if there's anything you want to say, any questions you got before your arraignment. Kendal: I'm fine. Raylan: Fair enough. Anything I can get you before we start? Kendal: You still got that coffee machine? Raylan: The one with the good cocoa? [Kendal chuckles softly] Raylan: [chuckles] Yeah, I think that can be arranged. By the way, a federal judge has approved the U.S. Attorney's request to try you as an adult. Kendal: What? Raylan: You hadn't heard about that? Yeah, A.U.S.A. has decided you're gonna take the full weight of your crime. Means you ain't going to juvie now. You're looking at 40 years to life, hard time, federal penitentiary. I'll get you the cocoa. [indistinct conversations] Ava: [sighs] Guess it's true what they say about hard times showing you who your friends are. I'm going with them, Ava. Just felt like I had to tell you to your face. Ava: Nikki, you know I ... What I know is, only two of us saw Genny come out of that bathroom. Which means, if you're not the snitch, then I must be. I'm sorry, Ava. Yesterday, your little coven wouldn't let me get near you. Today, I walk up. They don't even blink. Ava: Yesterday, you had the frauleins with you. My girls were just keeping it fair. Maybe your girls realize it don't pay to associate with a snitch. Ava: I... didn't... snitch. Others say different. Ava: Well, here we are, just the two of us. You want to make this our time? Because it might not go the way you think. Which of you think I snitched Genny to the hacks? Think again. I didn't snitch when my hair got chopped. Hey, Gretchen ... I snitch when my hair got chopped? Oh, you got nothing to say now. How's that? Maybe 'cause you're the one snitched out your own girl. You must be using your own product, 'cause you saying some crazy sh1t. Ava: Makes sense, knowing you come at me yourself, my old man'll snuff out your beloved brother. I want you... I'll come get you. Ava: Nah, nah, nah. You rather have someone else do your dirty. Word for someone like that where I'm from is "coward." Crowder! Get off that goddamn table. Crowder! [door opens] [Raylan sighs] Kendal: 40 years? Raylan: Yeah. Kendal: That's bullshit. Raylan: Oh, I promise you it's very real. Nothing you can't handle. You handled growing up with Darryl and Danny, you can handle this. Hell, I saw the way you walked in the marshal's office right after you did it like it was nothing. You're a stone-cold badass, boy. Kendal: Yeah, but 40 years? Raylan: Let me get those off. Make it easier for you to drink your cocoa. Say, what's the first thing you ever killed? You're from Florida, right? Gator, maybe. Kendal: When I was 11. Raylan: I was 11, too, or thereabouts. Wasn't a gator, though. Will Hendricks' pig got out of its pen, went feral, started tearing up my mama's vegetable patch. Arlo built the trap, caught it, gave me a gun, said, "get 'er done." [chuckles] You ever see a pig that's gone feral? Nasty. Tusks grow. They get dirty, ill-tempered. They don't look bad from a distance, but... get up close, best watch your ass. You hook the gator before you...? Kendal: Danny hooked him. Wanted to do it himself, but Darryl said it was my time. Raylan: Well, there you are, pointing that gun at something that's staring back at you, right? Longer I stood there, the less I wanted to do it. Not that I had a choice. Arlo'd tan my hide if I didn't. Kendal: Danny called me a pussy. Raylan: Ain't about being a pussy, though, is it? No small thing, taking a life. Hell, my hand was shaking so bad, first shot nearly missed. [chuckles] Pig squealing, bucking, spraying blood. [inhales deeply] Put three more shots just to get it to lay still. I knew I should have felt good about it, but... I didn't. Walked home, stepped through the front door, and threw up. That's when Arlo called me a pussy. [chuckles] He beat the sh1t out of me, too. Started thinking less about what I'd done to that pig and more about what I'd like to do to Arlo. Kendal: Well, did you do it? Raylan: Not as such. I always wondered, though, if I didn't join the marshals just to prove something to him ... what a badass I was. Maybe just to spite him. He hated me being a lawman. And I knew. I knew when I joined that... I might have to shoot someone in the line of duty. But first time it happened, god damn if it wasn't the same feeling ... sick to my stomach. Just kept asking myself if there was something I could have done different short of pulling my gun. What was it like for you? Kendal: What, the gator? It's a goddamn dinosaur. Who gives a sh1t? Raylan: No, the other day. Kendal: What? Raylan: The other day, when you shot that man. Kendal: Like I said, it was ... all I saw was a star on his belt. Didn't mean for anybody to get hurt. Raylan: Your cocoa's getting cold. Wendy: [sobs] All right. He didn't do it. Raylan: No sh1t. Wendy: So what do we do? Raylan: You wear a wire. You get Darryl talking. He admits to shooting art, Kendal's off the hook. Wendy: Raylan, you listen to me ... I can't wear a wire. Raylan: It's the only chance your boy's got. Wendy: No. Raylan, if I walk in there to see Darryl and you guys are sitting out front in your van, he's gonna smell it on me. Raylan: We hear anything, we go in. Wendy: I will be dead by the time the door opens. Do you understand me? A wire is not an option. Raylan: Well, then you got a problem, don't you? [engine turns over] [tires screech] [horns honking] Darryl: Yeah. [door opens] Boyd: Like I said, you ain't gonna find him at Audrey's. The man is laying low. He's afraid of retribution for the marshal he shot. [speaking Spanish] [door opens, closes] Boyd: This y'all's first time in the States? Oh, come on, now. You ain't got to be like that. I know you speak English. Are you gonna deny a condemned man a little conversation? We've been here before. Boyd: And you like it? Some of it. Boyd: Well, that just means you ain't seen enough of it. [scoffs] Boyd: How would you like to stay here permanently, start working for the other side? This is as straight an offer as I can make. Now, Alberto walks back in this room, you kill him. And in exchange, I make you full partners in my organization. I have an opening on my crew, as you well know. Now, the first order of business ... we sell that off, we split the profits, and we go have us one hell of a weekend in Las Vegas, Nevada. Now, you ever been? Now, some folks say Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth. Well, I promise those folks ain't never partied with Boyd Crowder in Sin City. And all you got to do is kill one man who don't give two sh1ts about either one of you. Start your life anew. This is your moment. Right now. This is your moment. Qué? He says we kill you, he'll give us the dope, make us his cómplices. Quite an offer. Anything else? Take us to Vegas. Some drinking, some gambling, and then you all screw? Boyd: You know what your problem is, Alberto? You just don't know how to talk to people. [laughter] How many times we been to Vegas? Six? Seven? [scoffs] More. This dude is hilarious, 'Berto. You sure we can't take him back with us? We'll put him in a cage, like a parrot. You have 15 minutes, Boyd. Something else you would like to try? I hope it's better than that. [chuckles] [cellphone ringing] [cellphone beeps] Darryl: Hey, sis. How you holding up? Wendy: Well, I'd be a whole lot better if the goddamn marshals would stop harassing this family. Darryl: What now? Wendy: You know that whole thing about trying Kendal as an adult? That was bullshit. Darryl: You sh1tting me? Wendy: No. It was a ploy. They were trying to trick him into lying, saying you shot the chief. Darryl: Jesus Christ. Wendy: Well, I'll tell you what. They crossed the line. You and I are gonna sue the sh1t out of the United States Marshals service. Darryl: A lawsuit? No. Hey, you gonna just piss these people off more. Wendy: Listen to me, Darryl, okay? Heroin ain't working out. Neither's the whorehouse. Now, I think you and I both know ye ain't long for Kentucky, and I will be goddamned if I'm leaving here empty-handed. This here's our payday. This is what we've been waiting for. Right? I just left the hotel. I'm gonna stop by Audrey's, get a drink. You gonna be there? Darryl: Yeah, I'm here. [breathes deeply] Rachel: Wendy Crowe? Raylan: Cut her loose about an hour ago. Rachel: What? Why? Raylan: Woman knows the truth, still wouldn't help. She left here in quite a fragile state, though. Rachel: Raylan. Raylan: Oh, what's the worst could happen? She does Darryl harm? Rachel: More like he does her harm. Raylan: Maybe that's not such a bad thing, either. Rachel: That boy in there? She's his mother. Raylan: I know. And I called tim, gave him the heads up. Told him to keep an eye out. Rachel: Well, Darryl just blew through a red light. Tim tried to follow, but he got taken out. He's all right. I'm on my way to get him. Darryl's in the wind. Raylan: sh1t. [sighs] [doors close] [sighs] [elevator bell dings] [doors open] [sighs] Time's up, and no word from Mr. Crowe. You have good hunting around here? Boyd: Not bad. My daddy used to take me and my brother when we was young, but I didn't much care for it. Prefer to hunt animals who have a chance to fight back. My father took me as well... to the Sonoran desert. Boyd: Ah. Hunting big game, like scorpions and lizards and whatnot? [chuckles] Mostly bighorn sheep and mule deer. We'd spend the morning making our kills, take them back to our campsite, where my father taught me how to skin them. The first cut, you make right down the belly. Bleed the animal, remove the insides, careful not to puncture the bladder. Next, you remove the genitals. Now... you are ready to the take the skin. Cut first at the ankle joints, snap the tendons, start to peel back the pelt. The trick is to remove it in one piece. It's easiest when the animal is still warm. Boyd: You want me sh1t my pants, Alberto? 'Cause it seems to me, that'd make your job a hell of a lot more unpleasant. You see, I know real pain. sh1t you can't even imagine. Now, you want to put me out of my misery? How 'bout you stop running your goddamn mouth and do whatever it is you got to do. [cellphone buzzes] Seems you have risen from the grave, Mr. Crowder. He'll meet us, but not here. He wants to meet at your woman's place in the country. Boyd: Well, I guess you'd better tell him we'll be there. [SCENE_BREAK] [indistinct talking] Ava: What? You want to tell me what that was in the yard ... what the hell you're thinking? Ava: I'm thinking I can't let her spread lies about me. So you call her out? Ava: I'd rather have to face just one enemy than an entire prison's worth. Gretchen's got to come back over the top. Ava: She wants to fight, we'll fight. I'm not just gonna lie down. Gretchen's not planning to fight you. She plans to kill you. Ava: She can't do that. Her brother. She's been going around, telling everyone she don't give a sh1t about her brother. You're dead. I were you, I'd keep to the group areas as much as possible, shower separate from her and her girls. Ava. [screams] [indistinct shouting] Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey, break it up! Hey, hey, hey! [shouting continues] This is your woman? Boyd: She ain't my woman anymore. But this is her house. Boyd: It is. In my experience, that means not only should you not be in her house, she should also have yours. Boyd: Huh. Hey. The Crowe. [man speaks Spanish] Wait. Don't spook him. [vehicle approaches] Okay, bring him in. [engine shuts off] He tries anything, empty your clips. Tim: Well, bad news, boys. It's the U.S. Marshal's service. Rachel: It case it weren't obvious, this is the part where you drop your guns. Tim: [speaks Spanish] Boyd: Mi amigo. Whoa, whoa, whoa. [speaks Spanish] Boyd: Whatever you just said, now, those are federal agents out there. Now, you fire that gun, that's gonna bring them in here awful quick, don't you think? Alberto. Not a word. Boyd: [sighs] Rachel: Keep your hands where we can see them. Marshals. There a problem here? Rachel: What do you think, asshole? I think we have a boss, just like you. The difference is, we show up empty-handed, our boss will kill us. So, because you are outgunned and outnumbered, I'm giving you one chance to get back into that car and drive away. Tim: You have three seconds before we kill every one of you. If you say so. Boyd: [shouts] [grunts] [gunfire stops] Rachel: Drop the weapon. Boyd: Ah, darling. Rachel: Drop it. Boyd: I would ... I would raise my hands and surrender if I could. [police radio chatter] Boyd: Have you ever pulled of a shot like that, Mr. Ranger sniper? Tim: Good guys don't need to shoot people with their hands cuffed, Crowder. Boyd: Well, you ever want me to teach you how, you just say the word. Tim: I'll keep that in mind. And when I say "I'll keep that in mind," what I mean is, "stop talking to me." [door opens] Boyd: Oh, well let me guess. You're appreciative and grateful for my quick-thinking heroics. Rachel: Ain't even gonna pretend to be sorry for walking us into an ambush, are you? Boyd: Oh, well, on the contrary. Now, what I did... was keep Darryl Crowe Jr. alive, thereby ensuring that a 15-year-old boy doesn't spend the rest of his life behind bars for a crime his uncle committed. Tim: What you did was use us to save your own ass. Boyd: Well, if my survival is a happy by-product of my selfless act, so be it. Rachel: You're gonna walk away from all this, and we're gonna have to live with that. But I'm gonna go back to Lexington, take that file Raylan has on you, and make it my sole purpose on this Earth to ensure you receive every ounce of punishment you have coming your way, and then some. Have a nice day, Boyd. Ava: Shoulder's out again. Lay back. Ava: [grunts] [groans] You got yourself in one hell of a mess now. Ava: I was trying to get myself out of one. Better I get shivved in a dark hallway, bleed to death on a cold prison floor? [grunting] Least I'm safe in here. [cracks] [screams] [moans] All right. It's in. You're good. [Ava sighs ] So, what you gonna do when hey put you into gen pop? Ava: [sighs] You got any suggestions? I'm listening. Well, you being alive is good for business. So believe me when I tell you, you got two choices. Either you spend the next five years here, in solitary, which is a death of a different kind, or you be prepared to fight, every day, till they let you out. I'll check on you tomorrow again if I can. Darryl: Hey. Wendy: Hey. Darryl: So, they ain't gonna try him as an adult? That's good news. You want a drink? Wendy: No. I don't want a drink. Darryl: Something wrong? Wendy: Kendal didn't shoot that man. Darryl: He tell you that? Wendy: Well, he didn't have to. I know my own goddamn son, Darryl. Darryl: You do, huh? Wendy: What do you think? Darryl: Where'd I take him for his 10th birthday? What'd he want more than anything in the world, and I give it to him? Wendy: I don't know, Darryl. Darryl: That's right. You don't know, 'cause you wasn't there. You a deadbeat mom. Don't know sh1t about your own son. Ha! Wendy: You know what I do know sh1t about, though, is you. And I know you did this. Darryl: You don't know nothing. You have no idea how hard it is to take care of a family. Wendy: Taking care of family? What, you mean like how you took care of Dilly? Darryl: Dilly left us. Wendy: No. No, he didn't. That is bullshit, Darryl. Don't bullshit me. I ain't stupid. What, you think I wouldn't understand why you did what you did? You think I would blame you? I know that Dilly was gonna drag the rest of us down with his bullshit. You were given an impossible job, daddy getting killed the way he did. Darryl: And hard choices had to be made. Family business was in trouble. Wendy: Yeah, it's not like Danny or Dilly would have done anything, but... Darryl: Nope. Wendy: ...here's what I don't understand, Darryl. [voice breaking] Why didn't you tell me about it? Darryl: 'Cause you ain't never want to hear nothing! Right?! Wendy: [sobbing] I'm sorry. Darryl: No, you ain't! Wendy: Yes, I am. [sniffles] I abandoned you just when you needed me most. I was never there for you. Darryl: Leave it all on me. Wendy: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. All you were ever trying to do was keep the family safe. [sniffles] Darryl: That's all I was trying to do. Wendy: I understand. I do. But, Darryl, I'm trying to tell you right now that I'm here with you. I understand. I mean, you just hit back because they killed Danny. I mean, you were just trying to do whatever daddy would've done. Darryl: Mm. Wendy: Things went wrong, and you panicked. But I'm here to tell you right now that I am here for you. I'm here for you, Darryl. I understand. Darryl: I ... I didn't have no idea to shoot the man. It just happened. I figured Kendal'd go to juvie ... no big deal. That'd be it. All this sh1t just happened. I'm sorry. I am. Wendy: Thank you, Darryl. I got what I needed. [inhales deeply, sniffs] Darryl: You're welcome. Wendy: No, I mean, I got what I needed. [sniffles] Darryl: You recording me? Wendy: Every word. [sniffles] Darryl: You a dirty, rotten, nasty bitch. Wendy: Well, I guess we all get the family we deserve, right, Darryl? Darryl: You know good and well I ain't gonna let you walk up out of here with that, right? Wendy: What are you gonna do, kill me? Darryl: Mm. Give me that phone, Wendy, or I'm gonna take it and stick it down your goddamn throat. Wendy: Well, that'd be a real ballsy move, wouldn't it, Darryl? [gun cocks] How are you gonna do it without your balls? Darryl: You ain't gonna use that. Wendy: I trusted Kendal with you, you son of a bitch. Raylan: Uh, what did I miss? Darryl: Hey, man, she got a gun. Raylan: Yes, I can see that. Darryl: Well, ain't you gonna do something about it? Raylan: What do you want me to do, Darryl? Shoot her? She's your sister. She's family. Man can't come in between family. Hell, you know that better than anyone. Wendy: [whimpers] [gunshot] Darryl: [shouts] Wendy: [gasps] Raylan: Wendy. Wendy: [breathing heavily] [gunshot] Darryl: [shouts] [thud] Raylan: Wendy. Now'd be a good time to put that gun down. Wendy: [sniffles] Darryl: You did... [muttering, gurgling] Raylan: Didn't I tell you you were gonna wish I killed you? Well, don't you? I.V. Therapist, 4-east. I.V. Therapist, 4-east. He's a lot less cranky here than he is at home. Tim: Well, you should just get a morphine drip for home. [laughter] Hey, Raylan. He woke up last night. Raylan: They all treating you all right? Art: Don't even have to get up to piss. Raylan: Well, don't get too comfortable. [chuckling] Art: Not likely. Rachel: Well, we promised Leslie we wouldn't wear him out. Tim: We'll see you tomorrow, chief. Art: Okay. [clears throat] Raylan: Catch up with you later. Tim: Yeah. Rachel: Loving your parking space, by the way. Art: You stay out of that. [laughs] Art: Did you come to say goodbye? Raylan: I think you're gonna be all right. Art: No. I mean, did you talk to Dan? Raylan: Dan? No, why? Art: Dan Grant said he had a spot for you down in Florida. Raylan: When did this happen? Art: The day after you asked me to transfer you. [clears throat] I would have told you sooner, but I didn't want to bother you on your vacation. How's Alison? I told you, honey. She came by here before you woke up, and she left you a lovely card. I'm gonna let you boys talk. Art: Was Darryl Crowe, wasn't it? Raylan: Yeah. Art: [breathes deeply] Did you kill him? Raylan: No, but he's dead. Art: Act of god? Raylan: [chuckles softly] Art: Thank you. Raylan: Get some rest. I'll see you again before I go. Art: Darn. Winona: Are you serious? This is ... is really happening? [baby coos] Raylan: Yeah, yeah ... paperwork's been filed. Just as matter of routine approvals. I'll be there, all moved in, in a few weeks. [baby coos] [chuckles] Winona: [chuckles] Raylan: [sighs] Please tell me those are tears of joy, Winona. Winona: Yeah. Did you hear that, sweetie? Daddy's coming home so that mama can finally take a nap. [baby coos] I know! Raylan: God damn, she's beautiful. Now is not the right time, Raylan. Raylan: Real-estate prices in Miami are a touch high, but I know a Realtor. [sighs] Wynn Duffy, Katherine Hale, who, by the way, had my boss murdered to derail her husband's trial. Raylan: Bit of a prick, but still better than the last one I had to deal with. What else? Robert Quarles, bodies in Mexico, narcotics trafficking. Raylan: All closed cases. The Crowes. Raylan: Includes the Crowes. My report's right there on the desk. Wendy acted in self-defense. Raylan: That's what it says in my report, yes. Wendy: She says she and the boy are also heading to Florida. Raylan: I have a feeling our paths won't cross. You don't see it, do you ... the common thread that runs through it all? Raylan: All due respect, if it doesn't have to do with sunny skies and beaches, there's nothing for me to see. The man at the center of everything. Raylan: Who? Me? Rachel: Boyd Crowder. Raylan: What? You familiar? Raylan: Hold up. You're saying you're going after Boyd Crowder? I'm sorry. Have you not been listening? Raylan: What are we talking about? How serious are you? Coffin serious. We're going after him under the Rico statute. We're gonna bury him. 50 years, minimum. Raylan: And you want me to help? Rachel: Before you go? Yeah. Raylan: Well, why didn't you just say so? [cellphone ringing] Boyd: Hello? Hello, Boyd. Boyd: I owe you some money or something, Mr. Geist? [laughs] On the contrary, I'm calling with good news. Ava's being released. Boyd: I'm sorry. Could you say that again? Your fiancée is being released from prison. Boyd: I-I don't, uh... I-I don't ... I don't understand. Well, first, her cell mate back at Harlan detention center changed her story, decided to come clean. Then, the guard in question ... Boyd: Albert Fekus. Recanted his statement. You still there, Boyd? Boyd: Yeah. Yeah, I'm here. The case fell apart. I believe she'd like to speak with you. Boyd: Put her on. Ava: Boyd? Boyd: This really happening? Ava: [inhales deeply] Looks that way. Boyd: Well, can I, uh ... you need ... you need a ride or anything? Ava: Geist is already here. Says he'll take me wherever I need to go. Boyd: Well, all right. Ava: I was thinking maybe I'd go to the country house. Boyd: Well, as fate would have it, I'm... I'm standing on your front porch now. Ava: Well, there's still the paperwork to be done, and then the drive. But I should be home in a few hours. Boyd: I'll be waiting. [engine shuts off] Well, I'll give you two some time. Ava: Thank you. [car door opens, closes] [engine turns over] Boyd: Well, I bet it feels good to be home. [Ava chuckles] Boyd: Yeah. Ava: Are those bullet holes? [sighs] It's been a tough couple of months, Ava. I, uh ... I had something that I was supposed to take care of tonight, but it can wait until in the mor ing. Can I ... can I make you something to eat? Ava: No, you should go ahead. Be nice to have some time alone. Boyd: Okay. What happens now, Ava? Where do we go from here? Ava: Now... I take a bath, I put on my pajamas, and I sleep. Boyd: Mr. Duffy. You're a tough man to get ahold of these days. Wynn: I lied to the cartel on your behalf, Mr. Crowder, so excuse me if I wasn't answering my phone till the situation resolved itself. Boyd: The situation didn't "resolve itself." I resolved it for you. Do we need to check your pockets for cigarettes? Boyd: Ah, no, ma'am. I decided to leave that pack at home for the evening. But there is a package on the front seat of my truck should put a smile on both your faces. Be a peach, Mikey. So, what are you gonna do now, Boyd? Boyd: Well, John F. Kennedy said, "effort and courage don't mean anything without purpose and direction." I don't have either, so I'll probably be laying low for a little while. Wynn: Good money in that, is there? Have a seat, Boyd. Boyd: This ain't gonna take but a minute. I'd rather stand. Aw. Come on, please. Boyd: Since you asked me that way. [sighs] How much do you know about me, Mr. Crowder? And, please, just be frank, 'cause it'll save us both time. Boyd: Well, I know it takes a certain kind of woman to be married to a man like your husband. And what kind of woman is that? Boyd: Well, I suppose that would depend on your level of involvement in his affairs. Mm-hmm. Keep going. Boyd: I don't need a Weatherman to tell me which direction this wind is blowing. I'm done with heroin. Well, there are other ways to make money. Boyd: The way my luck's been running lately, ma'am, I'm most likely not the man you're looking for. Wynn: When Katherine was in charge, all our luck seemed to change for the better. Boyd: You mean when her husband was in charge. [door opens] We're good. Boyd: Well, I guess that concludes our business. Wynn: Not necessarily. You were lousy at running heroin, Boyd Crowder. But from what I'm told, you are really good at robbing banks. Boyd: [chuckles] [engine shuts off] [door opens] Raylan: What'd you tell Boyd? Ava: I didn't tell him anything. He was busy tonight. Raylan: The night you get home. Ava: That's why you wanted to meet? Ask me about my relationship? Raylan: Way this works, I ask you whatever I want. You tell me everything I ask. Ava: Is this where we're gonna meet? Raylan: This is one. Ava: I was surprised you had that U.S. Attorney came make the offer ... didn't do it yourself. Raylan: Standard procedure. Ava: But you made sure to have him tell me it was because of you I got out. Raylan: Ava, we get the feeling you ain't playing ball, it's gonna be me put you back in. Ava: So you came here to threaten me? Raylan: I came here to go over the rules. How you make a call. How you record a conversation. Ava: How I send an emergency signal. What to do if I'm in danger. Yeah, that, um, Deputy Brooks ... pretty black woman ... she covered all that. Raylan: And you're clear? Ava: [breathes deeply] Mm-hmm. Raylan: Then we're good. Ava: I'm scared, Raylan. Raylan: Don't be. Everything's gonna be fine. [music]

Plan: A: Raylan; Q: Who has one last shot at taking down Art's would-be assassin? A: Boyd; Q: Who has cartel killers against the wall? Summary: Raylan has one last shot at taking down Art's would-be assassin, while cartel killers have Boyd's back against the wall.

[A Cell] (Damon is alone and after some struggle, he finally gets out of the cell) [Salvatore's House] (Katherine wakes up next to Stefan) Katherine: Oh, my God! Stefan: Hmm. Hey Katherine: Um, don't turn around Stefan: What are you doing? Katherine: Um, just don't turn around Stefan: Where are you going? Katherine: Uh, everything's fine. Go back to bed (Katherine is about to leave when Damon enters) Katherine: What the hell happened to you? Damon: Ditto. Elena's not here by any chance, is she? Katherine: I haven't seen her, not that I've been looking Damon: Stef, you awake? Katherine: You know, he hasn't seen her either. I know because we were together all night Damon: Look. I've had a really crappy couple days, ok? If you're implying what I think you're implying... Katherine: Why? What were you thinking? That our hot, naked bodies collided in one unforgettable night of passion? Damon: I'm gonna barf Katherine: Great. Then my work here is done. Too-do-loo (She leaves) [A Lab] (Dr. Maxfield is with Elena. She's tied to an exam table) Dr. Maxfield: Subject 83182 appears conscious Elena: Where am I? Dr. Maxfield: Why? Look familiar? Elena: What is that thing? What are you doing to me? Dr. Maxfield: 83182 resume prep for blood dialysis. Count from 10 , 9, 8, 7, 6, 5... [Salvatore's House] (Damon enters Stefan's room) Stefan: Where the hell you been? Damon: Aw, you know, being held against my will, shot in the head, now I can't find Elena. How was your evening? Anything out of the ordinary happen? Stefan: Wait a minute. What do you mean you can't find Elena? Damon: I mean, she's not picking up her phone, she's not in her dorm, she's nowhere in this house, which leads me to believe that Dr. creepy Ken Doll has her somewhere Stefan: Are you talking about the Whitmore bio teacher? Damon: Yeah, the one that operated on vampires during business hours, yeah, that one. Put your hero hair on, Stefan. Let's go get Elena Stefan: You just said you don't know where she is Damon: I don't, which means we're gonna have to find us some leverage. So come on [Whitmore College] (Aaron is alone, writing. Damon sits beside him) Damon: Pop quiz. So your girlfriend's taken by a mad scientist. Now do you: "A," get a new girlfriend; B," call the police; Or "C," kill someone close to that mad scientist? [A Lab] (Maxfield is still talking in his recorder) Maxfield: 4.1 pints drained. 83182 still shows signs of consciousness. Note that 15 years ago subject 12144 faded into unconsciousness after losing 2.9 pints. Evolution or luck? Mystery for another day Elena: What are you doing to me?What are these tubes? Let me go! Maxfield: Relax. I plan to once I'm through with you Elena: My friends are gonna find me Maxfield: Your heroic vampire friends? Did you know Aaron Whitmore spent his entire life thinking his family was haunted by some death curse? Turns out that curse was your boyfriend systematically killing every member on his family tree. I'm curious. How does one justify that in her mind? Elena: And this, holding people against their will, how do you justify that? Maxfield: Science (He opens a diary and reads) Maxfield: "June 25, 1999. Incredible findings today. After enduring 3,000 volts of electricity, the subject continues to have a heartbeat. June 26. More success. Subject was exposed to 4,000 volts today. Seizing continues after electrocution. Flesh remains hot to the touch." Elena: You're a monster Maxfield: This isn't my journal, Elena. These are the hand-written medical findings of Dr. Grayson Gilbert, your father Elena: What? Maxfield: Everything I'm doing to you, I learned from him [Whitmore College] (Stefan and Damon are still with Aaron) Aaron: I have no idea where Wes took her Stefan: Well, they're not at his lab, so where else could he hide a vampire? Aaron: I'm sorry. Am I supposed to know who you are? Damon: That's my brother Stefan, but I'd watch your tone with him because he's kind of in the midst of a psychotic break Stefan: I'm sorry. I'm what? Damon: Oh, come on. You don't think I know about you and Katherine? Stefan: Oh, I see. You're jealous Damon: More like disturbed. See? He's off his rocker, he's losing his mind, teetering on the brink of insanity Aaron: How are you not dead? I shot you Damon: Well, because you went for the head. You got to go for the heart. Go for the heart next time. Now where's Elena? Aaron: I have no idea. All that Wes told me was to go about my life as usual Damon: Well, you're gonna call Wes, and you're gonna tell him that if he doesn't give us Elena the next experiment that he conducts will be sewing your arms back on [A Lab] Elena: This is my dad's clinic. We're in the basement Wes: Was your dad's clinic. Then your town council burned a whole bunch of vampires down here. Now it's just a condemned building in Mystic Falls where no one will find us (His phone rings and he answers) Wes: Aaron, hey Aaron: Do you have Elena? Wes: Aaron, what's wrong? Aaron: Uh, Stefan and Damon Salvatore are gonna kill me unless you give them Elena Wes: Damon Salvatore is locked in an impenetrable and inescapable fortified cell Aaron: Or he's in front of me imagining what my kidney would taste like Wes: Fine. Meet you in my classroom. Once I see you're safe, tell them I'll give them Elena (He hangs up and goes into an another room. Enzo is there) Wes: Enzo... Enzo, wake up. When was the last time you were out in civilization? Enzo: What's that? Wes: An insurance policy. Guarantees you'll come back to me. I'm giving you the day off. You and Damon have some catching up to do. [The Woods] (Katherine is training with Matt) Katherine: I don't hear you counting Matt: 3, 4, 5, 6 Katherine: Uh! Matt: Good try Katherine: Good try? That was horrible, Matt. Come on. I'm paying you to make me hot again, whip me into shape, and prolong this death thing as long as possible Matt: Yeah, that will happen Katherine: What did you say? No. Seriously. I didn't hear you. Oh, God. I'm going deaf. I'm going deaf. My entire body is falling apart. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Wa--water! Give me some water. Faster Matt: Deep breaths. If you're so anxious not to be dead, why don't you just have a vampire turn you? Katherine: Tried that. Every time I ingest vampire blood, my body rejects it (She sees someone coming) Katherine: Who is that? I can't see Matt: It's Nadia. I told her you were here (Nadia rejoins them) Nadia: "Dear Nadia, sorry I had to kill your boyfriend, but it was the motherly thing to do. Suicide, however, not very motherly of me." Katherine: Great. So, um, Stefan obviously gave you my suicide note. What's your point? Nadia: That's for trying to kill yourself without saying good-bye [Whitmore College] (Aaron, Damon and Stefan are walking) Stefan: You want to give me a little back story as to how you know one another? Damon: Aaron is Aaron Whitmore, and he comes from a very long line of vampire-probing, blood-testing, organ-removing freaks called Augustine Stefan: Why do you know this? Damon: Because I was their test subject in the fifties Stefan: What do you mean test subject? Damon: Meaning I donated my body to science except I was alive and it was against my will Stefan: Wait. Hold on a minute. How do I not know about this? Damon: Don't get all guilt-ridden, Stefan, on me. We were on the outs back then, and by the time it was over, you know, it was over Aaron: Why don't you finish the rest of the story, Damon? Stefan: I don't recall saying that you could talk. Did I say that he could talk? Damon: I don't remember anything Stefan: I didn't think so [Salvatore's House] (Katherine and Nadia are back at the house) Nadia: I get it now. If I was living here, I'd want to kill myself, too Katherine: It was a moment of weakness. I'm over it Nadia: In a moment of weakness, you eat chocolate or kiss the wrong boy. You don't jump off a clock tower Katherine: Do you see this? This is raw kale. In what universe would I put this inside of my body unless I actually wanted to live another day Nadia: Ok. Then what changed your mind? Katherine: It's not so much a matter of what as it is who. Can I ask you something absentee mother to mildly abusive daughter? Nadia: I'm listening Katherine: Do you think after all the horrible things that I've done it would be possible to be forgiven? Nadia: Of course I do. That's actually why I'm here. I may have an idea that will keep you alive longer Katherine: I'm listening [A Lab] Elena: When did you meet my dad? Wes: He was working with Augustine to turn vampire blood into a magical cure-all to fight disease, cure cancer, save the world Elena: Do you know if he ever brought a vampire down here?I remember coming down here as a kid. There was something about this place that always creeped me out. Wes, I saw Enzo when I woke up. I know he's alive. Where is he? Wes: He's on a little day trip. Apparently he has some unresolved business with your boyfriend Elena: What did you do? What did you do? What did you do? [Whitmore College] (Aaron, Damon and Stefan arrive at the classroom) Damon: Which one is it? Aaron: It's right here. 21051 (They enter. Enzo is there) Damon: Enzo! Enzo: It's been a while, mate Stefan: Who the hell are you? Enzo: Lorenzo... But my friends call me Enzo. Ah. Kidding. I don't have any friends Damon: Enzo's another Augustine vampire. Our cells were next to each other. So we're here to meet somebody-- Wes Maxfield. You know him? Enzo: That's your first question for me? Not "how are you? How'd you survive in that fire I left you to die in"? Aaron: Uh, does somebody want to tell me what the hell is going on here? Enzo: I'd love to. Have a seat. Been waiting 70 years to tell my story [A Lab] Elena: Enzo is the Augustine vampire. He killed my roommate Megan, didn't he? Wes: Conserve your energy. I've drained enough blood to start phase two Elena: Let me guess. You're not gonna tell me what phase two is, are you? Wes: If it works, you'll be the first one to know Elena: Why did Megan have a picture of my dad on her cell phone? Wes: Maybe because her parents helped fund your father's projects Elena: They knew about Augustine, too? Wes: Well, no. All they knew was that your dad had an unregulated compound that could cure most injuries Elena: Vampire blood Wes: Exactly, but as Megan grew up, she got suspicious, enrolled at Whitmore, roomed with Dr. Gilbert's daughter, and she went to a party at Whitmore house and put her nose where it didn't belong Elena: She found Enzo in his cell Wes: And being clueless to what a starving vampire will do around fresh human blood, I'm guessing she got too close (His phone rings. He answers) Wes: Aaron Stefan: Where's Elena? Wes: Who's this? Stefan: We have Aaron, and we're trying to decide how to kill him Wes: Funny. I have Elena, and I'm wondering how she'll function without her cerebral cortex. Touch him, and you'll never see her again Stefan: That threat works both ways [Whitmore College] Enzo: Damon and I had been locked in those cells for years, tortured, beaten, humiliated, but we weren't gonna let them break us, no. We decided if we were going to escape we needed to work together. We needed each other Stefan: He's not sending her Enzo: Tragic. Can I continue my story now, please? Damon: Doesn't he know we have Aaron? Stefan: He doesn't care. He's willing to risk it Aaron: What? Let me talk to him! He'll listen to me Damon: What part of "he doesn't care" are you not registering? Enzo: Where were we? Uh, ah, right. I was telling my story, and you were all politely listening. So I'd given Damon all of my blood ration so he'd have the strength to escape and save me in the process. Our plan began perfectly, didn't it? I was waiting in the cage for him to release me, waiting for my friend, my cellmate, the only soul with whom I'd connected with in all those years of captivity. Then a fire starts, burns out of control, but Damon just can't get the damn cage open. He looks me in the eye as if he doesn't even recognize me, turns around, saves himself, leaving me to die Stefan: Well, you didn't die obviously Enzo: No. Unfortunately I lived. I was spared by one of the scientists so I could spend another 50 years on a table being opened and closed. Now that we've all been acquainted, I'm gonna go find something to wet my whistle Stefan: You didn't tell me about him Damon: It was the 1950s. I'm supposed to remember every moment of my life? Do you want to kill Aaron, or should I? Stefan: This guy was your cellmate for 5 years, you left him to die, he comes back, and you're completely unfazed? Damon: Fine. I will Aaron: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wes gave me a bunch of files on my family history. They're in my dorm, ok? Maybe there's something in there you need, a name, I mean, another lab Damon: That's a timely revelation Aaron: Yeah. Well, you know, he's not gonna help me, so why should I help him? Damon: I don't like you, I don't like your family, I don't like you messing with my relationship. If you're lying, I'm gonna take my thumbs, and I'm gonna gouge out your sad little eyes out of your sad little head! Enzo:Ah. It's frightening what you can find on campus these days Stefan: Knock yourself out. We're going with plan "B" Enzo: Damon's not. Damon's staying right here. He knows all my secrets, so he knows how ornery I can get when I don't get my way Damon: Call me if you find anything, kill him if you don't Stefan: Come on [SCENE_BREAK] [Salvatore's House] Katherine: You didn't just propose spirit possession with a straight face? Nadia: You said my grandfather was a Traveler, which means your father was a Traveler. Therefore, you are a Traveler. We just need to find one who can teach you how to do the passenger spell Katherine: Hang on. I'm hardly a Traveler, ok? My father banned us from doing Traveler magic. He said it was the devil's work or something dramatic that terrified us, and then I became a vampire and never thought about it again Nadia: But it's in your blood, which means you have the ability to keep living inside someone else's body. Gregor was a Traveler. He put his spirit inside Matte's body. So that even after his body died he lived on Katherine: Yes! He lived on in a busboy. Good idea, Nadia. Let's put my essence in some nobody. Thing is, Stefan actually likes this body Nadia: What are you talking about? Katherine: Stefan and I may have rekindled an old flame last night Nadia: I see. So when you asked me about forgiveness, you were asking about him, not me? Katherine: Look. Maybe I don't want to die a sad, lonely 538-year-old. If I have to bow out, knowing that Stefan still cares might not be the worst way to go Nadia: No. You had it right the first time. Go kill yourself, see if anyone misses you [Whitmore College] Enzo: What about cricket? That ever become a thing here? Damon: No Enzo: Oh, shame. Fun sport. Not that I can play. Took up drawing for a while. Of course I had no pencil, so I'd just prick my finger and paint the cell wall with my blood Damon: What do you want? You want me to feel guilty? I couldn't save you. Now where's Elena? What's wrong with you? Enzo: Wes injected me with poison that will stop my heart. I'll desiccate if I don't return for the antidote Damon: All the more reason to tell me where he is. Look. You get the antidote, I'll save my girlfriend, we'll kill Wes together Enzo: Did you even think about it after you left, the experiments, the cell, or did you just go out and live your merry life to its fullest? Damon: Look at me. If you go back, we go back together. We finish this for good. Come on Enzo: You're not gonna see your girl again, Damon, because I want the antidote, and Wes told me not to come back until you were dead. I imagine you just broke your clavicle. Probably a few lumbar and thoracic vertebrae. It's funny what you learn about your body when it's taken apart like a bloody automobile right before your eyes! Damon: I'm not gonna fight you, Enzo Enzo: What are you gonna do then, run?You're good at that Damon: I want to find my girlfriend Enzo: While you were out running wild, I had one single thought, that I'd have the pleasure of killing you Damon: Enzo, look at me Enzo: Bloody poison! Damon: Where is she? Where's Elena.Tell me where she is! Enzo: Or what?! You never see her again? It might be good for you to know what it's like to miss someone for the next 60 years Damon: Enzo, look at me. Hey! Enzo! Where is she? Where is she? Enzo, hey (Stefan and Aaron are in Aaron's dorm) Aaron: All the files of my family history are in here Stefan: Hurry up. Is this all a lie, huh? If you want me to kill you, I will kill you. Do not test me Aaron: Do it. I'm dead already. Damon's been planning my death since before I was born Stefan: What are you talking about? Aaron: Damon left out the best part of the Augustine story, the part after he escaped Stefan: Talk Aaron: It wasn't enough for Damon to kill the doctors who tortured him. He had to torture their families and their future families. He spent the last 60 years killing every one of my relatives except he's a psychopath. He leaves one alive so that they can continue the family line so that he can destroy future generations of innocent people. So go ahead and do it, kill me because I don't want to give Damon the satisfaction, so do it. Do it! Stefan: You know, not all of us are like my brother Aaron: Stefan? This is everything Wes gave me on Augustine. I saw Elena's last name on a few pages. Maybe it will help [A Lab] Flashback (Elena is little and she's in the basement. Her father rejoins her) Grayson: Hey. You're not supposed to be down here. Basement's a kid-free zone, remember? Elena: I heard someone screaming Grayson: Oh, it's ok. Everything's fine. In fact, today's a good day, Elena Elena: Why? Grayson: Daddy's gonna save a little girl's life. She's just about the same age as you. Pretty cool, huh? All right. Get out of here. Doctor's orders Elena: Ok dad Nowadays Wes: Good news. The sample cells mutated. My compound worked Elena: I don't follow. You kicked me out of bio, remember? Wes: You've heard of Pavlov? Conditioned his dog to salivate at the sound of a bell. This compound is like that bell except instead of a ding your body will salivate at the smell of vampire blood Elena: Oh, my God. That's what you did to Jesse. You turned him into some rabid vampire who only wanted to feed on other vampires Wes: Jesse was a fantastic case study, but he took too long to condition, and considering the size of the vampire population, a single-dose injection is much more efficient Elena: Yeah, but he couldn't stop feeding. He tried to kill Damon Wes: Exactly. Vampires are now one shot away from craving their own kind, and you're about to be patient zero Elena: What? No. No, you can't do that to me. You'll turn me into a ripper Wes: I know. Subject 83182 prepped for compound injection Elena: No. Please. You can't do this to me Wes: You'll be doing the world a favor, Elena. I might not be able to kill vampires... Elena: No! Let me go! Wes: But you will Elena: No (Stefan arrives) Stefan: Elena Elena: Stefan! Oh, God. Ohh Stefan: Come here. Oh. You're ok. I got you. I got you. I got you. I got you Elena: Get me out of here. Come on. Come on get me out of here [Mystic Grill] (Matt goes out and sees Nadia at a table) Matt: Look. We're closing, so... Nadia: We met on a little patio like this, remember? The twinkling lights, music. That was a fun night Matt: Yeah. I'd kind of rather just put us, um, behind us Nadia: Fine. Will do, but I need you to hold on to this for me Matt: The Travelers' knife? No way. I just got rid of that thing Nadia: It's not about you. I'm leaving Mystic Falls, and I need to know it's safe Matt: Why? and why do people want it? Nadia: I thought I could convince Katherine to live a little longer. I was wrong, but if she changes her mind, she will need this. That's all you need to know Matt: Well, she won't because Katherine cares about Katherine and only Katherine. If she doesn't want to do something, then she won't Nadia: I spent 500 years searching for her. I finally find her only to lose her all over again. I don't know if I should hate her for giving up or be at her side when she dies Matt: Listen, I get the whole crappy parenting thing. My mom kind of sucked. She was selfish, and she drank too much and never really thought about how it would affect me Nadia: Then you know what it's like to hold on to the hope that maybe just once she'll do what you want Matt: If she changes her mind, the knife will be with me [Whitmore College] (Enzo wakes up in Wes' lab. Damon's here) Damon: Oh. Never mind Enzo: What did you do now? Damon: Well, I injected you with a bunch of these that say, "Antidote," and apparently, one of them worked Enzo: If this is some attempt to make amends, it's a bit pathetic, mate Damon: I don't care about amends, mate. My girlfriend's safe, so technically, I'm not suffering, and it'd really suck if you desiccated in vain... And I'm gonna tell you my side of the story. You asked me if I thought about you after I escaped, and answer is no, and I sure as hell don't feel guilty about leaving you because in order for me to save myself and leave you, I had to shut off my humanity, damn it, so I flipped the switch, and then I felt nothing, no remorse, no regret, no pain Enzo: And now what do you feel, remorse, regret, pain? Even if I forgave you, Damon, would that make you less of a horrible person? Damon: We're even, Enzo Enzo: You were the most important person in my life, and you ruined me, but that's just who you are, that's who you'll always be... A monster [Salvatore's House] (Elena is reading her dad's journal when Damon enters) Elena: It's weird. Even as a kid, there was something about that basement that creeped me out Damon: Sure you want to give yourself nightmares reading that thing? Elena: And I remember my dad talking about this little girl. I think he was talking about my roommate Megan. Look. "January 1999. Saw Megan King today. Megan is 7 years old. She suffers from a congenital heart defect with a life expectancy of two months. A single injection of vampire blood appears to be an effective life-saving solution." That's why Megan had a picture of my dad on her phone... because he saved her life Damon: A hundred pages of horrific torture and you find the one happy passage Elena: My dad used his research to save people, Damon, children, families Damon: Yeah. And dissected vamps along the way. News flash, Elena. You are a vampire. I mean, do you honestly think that he would sit here and see you as anything more? Elena: I don't know. He was my dad. I can't not defend him Damon: No. I know you can't because you do it for me all the time Elena: I'm not defending you. I'm not defending your decision to kill Aaron's entire family, to go out of town and kill the aunt while we were still together Damon: So why are you still here? I'm bad, Elena, I am bad for you, so why wouldn't you have run away from me as far as humanly possible? Elena: Because I love you, Damon, because I chose you, and because I stand by my choice Damon: Well, now I'm choosing, and I'm choosing to let you go Elena: What? No, Damon Damon: I am choosing to not have to think about how you must feel every time some ghost from my past comes into our life. I'm choosing to relieve you of having to defend me for every awful thing I've ever done Elena: Stop acting like I'm perfect. Damon, I've done horrible things, too. You think I'm gonna stand here and judge you after I find out that you've been tortured for 5 years? Damon: Stop defending me! I won't change who I am. I can't... But I refuse to change you (Stefan enters his room. Katherine's here) Stefan: Can I come in, or are you gonna freak out and run away again? Katherine: I'm getting wrinkles Stefan: Heh. Katherine Pierce's chickens come home to roost. In the form of wrinkles. It's kind of brilliant Katherine: What's the opposite of funny? Oh, right. Not funny Stefan: Hmm. So what are you, uh, doing in my room? Katherine: I want to talk about last night Stefan: Ok Katherine: So talk Stefan: Well, um, it was a long day, we had a moment, and we got swept up in it Katherine: Did you memorize that from... A textbook or something? Stefan: Katherine, what do you expect? You want me just forget everything that you've put me through for the last 147 years? Katherine: I'm dying, Stefan Stefan: I know you are, and I'm sure that you will figure a way out of it Katherine: No. I mean, it's for real this time. Look at me. I'm dying. What does someone have to go through to get a little redemption around here? Stefan: 147 years is a long time to forgive in one night Katherine: One night... An eternity... You'd never look at me the way you look at Elena, would you? Good night, Stefan Stefan: Hey. I'm sorry that you're dying Katherine: Trust me. I am, too [A Lab] (Aaron finds Wes) Aaron: Wes? Wes? Wes: Aaron? Aaron: What the hell is this place, huh? Wes: It's one of Augustine's research labs Aaron: Do you really think that you're helping people with this vampire crap?You sold me out! You used my life as a bargaining chip Wes: Aaron, I'm sorry Aaron: I never want to see you again. Get the hell out of my life Wes: Aaron. Aaron! [Salvatore's House] (Katherine is on the phone) Katherine: So do we have a deal? You'll find me a Traveler that will teach me how to do the spell? Nadia: I guess this means you want to live Katherine: I'm a survivor. Staying alive is my specialty Nadia: Mm-hmm. Assuming of course it's on your terms. Clearly Stefan inspired some profound thinking Katherine: I think Stefan believes that a part of me can still be redeemed Nadia: And what do you think? Is he right? Hello? Katherine? Katherine?

Plan: A: his cage; Q: What does Damon escape? A: her gray hair; Q: What is Katherine waking up to find falling out? A: Elena; Q: Who is trapped by Wes? A: Wes; Q: Who is continuing his research? A: Aaron; Q: Who does Damon plan to exchange for Elena? A: their blood; Q: Wes reveals to Elena that her father was a doctor practicing on vampires and using what to help other people? A: Nadia; Q: Who does Matt call for help? A: Enzo; Q: Who is Damon's old friend? A: a monster; Q: What does Wes call Damon? A: a vampire ripper; Q: What does Wes want to turn Elena into? A: the Whitmores; Q: Who does Elena try to overlook Damon's past with? A: Whitmores; Q: What is the name of the family that Damon has a gritty past with? A: excuses; Q: What does Damon feel Elena should not have to make for him? A: her attempted resolve; Q: What does Damon see as an indication of Elena changing? A: Mystic Falls; Q: Where does Nadia return to? A: a traveler; Q: What does Nadia try to convince Katherine to become? A: feelings; Q: What does Katherine think Stefan has for her? A: a vial; Q: What does Aaron steal from the lab? A: the deal; Q: What does Katherine decide to accept? Summary: Damon manages to escape his cage while Katherine wakes up with Stefan to find her gray hair falling out. While Elena is trapped by Wes, who is continuing his research, Damon decides to ask Stefan for help in getting Elena back. Damon comes up with a plan where they will offer to exchange Aaron to save Elena; if Wes doesn't give them Elena back they will kill Aaron. Meanwhile, Katherine is having serious problems when aging becomes faster so she enlists Matt's help. Wes reveals to Elena that her father was a doctor practicing on vampires and using their blood to help other people. Katherine continues to struggle with aging and enlists Matt to help her, who then calls Nadia. Damon is shocked when he meets his old friend Enzo who is not too pleased to see him. Though Damon saves Enzo from Wes, the latter remains indignant with him, saying Damon will always be a monster. When Wes is on his way to turn Elena into a vampire ripper like Jesse, Stefan is able to save her. Later on Damon ends his relationship with Elena when she tries to overlook his gritty past with the Whitmores. Damon feels Elena should not have to make excuses for him, and sees her attempted resolve as only an indication of her changing. Nadia returns to Mystic Falls and tries to convince Katherine in becoming a traveler so she could live longer, which Katherine declines when she thinks Stefan has feelings for her. Aaron tells Wes to leave him alone as he steals a vial from the lab. Katherine realizes that she was wrong about Stefan and decides to accept the deal, but just when she does she collapses.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] JULIAN: Where did you even get this? PAUL: It was e-mailed to me this morning. Julian, we're being blackmailed. ALEX: You filmed us having s*x? JOSH: You found my computer? ALEX: No. But someone did. And now Julian and his father are being blackmailed for 1 million dollars thanks to you! JOSH: We just said we were getting the tape out there. The plan was never to blackmail these people for money. ALEXENDER: Look, we got to tell Brooke, all right? She's got no idea... VICTORIA: Look, I told Brooke I was taking a lover. You just need to relax. SKILLS: I came home for you because I love you. LAUREN: It's just, things are different. SKILLS: Is there someone else? LAUREN: Maybe. SKILLS: Is you, isn't it? MOUTH: Yes, but... SKILLS: Thanks for sleeping with my girlfriend, buddy. MIRANDA: I'm being deported. GRUBBS: Marry me. MIRANDA: What did you just say? GRUBBS: Marrying me fixes everything. QUINN: Somebody bought your portrait. She's right there. CLAY: Remember the tennis player that wouldn't take no for an answer? She is the girl who bought my portrait tonight. QUINN: That Katie girl? Why do you have a photo with her? CLAY: Because it's not her. It's Sara. NATHAN: Even though she doesn't show it all the time, deep down inside, your mom is still very sad that your grandma died. JAMIE: Mom's gonna be okay, right? NATHAN: Yeah, she's gonna be fine. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan sleeps but Haley is not any more with the bed. BIG LAKE Haley came to pose a flower in water like own way of thought for his mother. CLINN'S HOUSE Clay and Quinn are sleeping but one sees a shade through the window which looks at them. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian takes a bath, Brooke looks at it. BROOKE: Welcome to Brooke's spa. We hope you enjoy your stay. Oh! JULIAN: Trust me, it's great for the skin. BROOKE: In that case... (Julian's phone rings) BROOKE: Seriously? That thing has been ringing nonstop. Didn't the shoot just end? JULIAN: Yeah, but editing just started. BROOKE: You just did the thing. JULIAN: What thing? BROOKE: Whenever you're passionate about something, your eyebrows tighten up I saw it a lot on set. And even though I think it's kind of sexy, I'm worried about you. JULIAN: Why? Because I'll never win the world poker championship? BROOKE: No. Because when you're passionate about something, you put everything you have into it. Have you stopped for one second to relax? JULIAN: Yes. For about five hours every night. BROOKE: Sleeping doesn't count. I'm serious, Julian. I need you to take care of yourself because I want you to live for a long, long time. JULIAN: Well, I will as long as I have you. BROOKE: Brooke's spa will always be here to help you recuperate. Aah! ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM Alex Talks with Millicent. MILLICENT: Alexander did what to Victoria? ALEX: Actually, it was Victoria doing things to Alexander. MILLICENT: Ew. ALEX: Totally ew but totally awesome. MILLICENT: And you and Josh made a s*x tape. I don't know which is worse. ALEX: I do. But just for the record, Josh made the tape. I just suffered through it. MILLICENT: No way. ALEX: Yes way. Oh, I almost forgot. Skills punched out Melvin. PEYTON'S OFFICE Miranda speaks with Grubbs about his proposal. MIRANDA: It's illegal. GRUBBS: It's not. MIRANDA: It's absolutely illegal for me to marry someone just to stay in the country. GRUBBS: Not if there are real feelings involved. Look, it's late. Take the night to think about it. You can say "I do" in the morning. HOTEL Alex walks in the corridor to go to seek another bottle of champagne with the reception but while passing in front of the elevator, she sees Josh kissing a boy. NALEY'S HOUSE Haley comes to have the breakfast. Nathan is already there, ready to go to run. NATHAN: Someone's up early this morning. Nervous for your music-video shoot? HALEY: Ugh. NATHAN: You'll do great, Hales. You always do. (Jamie comes to breakfast) JAMIE: Have a good run, dad. NATHAN: Thanks, buddy. JAMIE: So, mom, what's for breakfast? (Haley serves to him as the Chinese pastes) CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke shows in Victoria a drawing illustrating the situation of the other day. BROOKE: What do you think? It's our new campaign. I'm calling it "The blunder down under." VICTORIA: I think my hair looks amazing, but that flag needs to be much bigger. BROOKE: Mother! VICTORIA: Brooke. BROOKE: He's half your age. VICTORIA: Lucky me. BROOKE: I'm serious. What are you thinking? VICTORIA: I'm sorry you're offended that Alexander and I are lovers now. BROOKE: No, I'm just offended that you decided to display that love in front of all my friends. VICTORIA: Oh, please. Cougars are in now. (Alexander comes in) ALEXENDER: Morning, Brooke. Doughnut? BROOKE: Have fun with your "cub." ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM Josh is explained at Alex. JOSH: Please. ALEX: You've got 30 seconds. You're used to working in that timeframe, right? JOSH: Last night isn't what you think. ALEX: What I think is you're a jerk. What I saw was you making out with another guy. JOSH: Haven't you ever done something that you didn't mean to do? ALEX: Yes. I had s*x with you. JOSH: I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone what you saw. ALEX: Yeah? Well, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tape me having s*x with you. Oh, wait. You already did. JOSH: I shouldn't have done that. And I'm sorry. But I'm asking you, please... don't tell anyone. PRODUCTION'S OFFICE Alex announces the news with Julian and Paul. ALEX: Josh is gay. JULIAN: Alex, I understand you're upset. ALEX: True, but I also caught him sticking his tongue. JULIAN: Are you sure it wasn't a boyish-looking girl? ALEX: It was a guy. Maybe you'll meet him at the wrap party. PAUL: There's not gonna be a wrap party. ALEX: No wrap party? Kind of cheap, isn't it? PAUL: Not really. Considering there are two leads decided to cost the film an extra million dollars with their s*x tape. ALEX: Josh made the tape. I just suffered through it. PAUL: You can also suffer through no wrap party. CLINN'S HOUSE Quinn and Clay breakfast. QUINN: It's kind of creepy, right? That this Katie girl looks just like Sara and she bought the picture of you. CLAY: Yeah, it's weird. But maybe it's just that...weird but harmless. QUINN: How come you never told me about her whenever you first met her? CLAY: I'm sorry. I should have told you. You know, but with your mom being sick, it just didn't seem important. As important. QUINN: It's okay. Mean, like you said, hopefully she's just harmless, right? CLAY: Either that or completely psychotic. Listen, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. But just in case, I'll make some calls and see if I can find out more about her. And, babe, I am sorry for not telling you. QUINN: It's okay. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Mouth looks at his album of promotion of the college, Millicent comes to see him. MILLICENT: I heard you had a rough night. MOUTH: Yeah. MILLICENT: You guys look so young. I wish I would have known you in high school. Do you want to talk about it? MOUTH: It's not like Lauren and I planned any of this, you know? It just sort of happened. MILLICENT: But you like her? MOUTH: I do. MILLICENT: Then you should talk to Skills. Tell him that. You guys have been friends a long time. I should probably be getting to work. MOUTH: Thanks for stopping by, Millie. It means a lot. MILLICENT: After all you've done for me, it's the least I could do. Can I ask you a question? MOUTH: Sure. MILLICENT: Do you ever miss me? MOUTH: Of course. MILLICENT: Thanks. That means a lot, too. RED BEDROOM RECORDS Miranda arrives, Grubbs is already there. GRUBBS: Look like you didn't sleep much last night. MIRANDA: That's because I didn't. Sounds good. GRUBBS: Dance with me. MIRANDA: Grubbs... GRUBBS: Just dance with me. Practice for the wedding. MIRANDA: I can't marry you. GRUBBS: Why not? We dance good together. MIRANDA: That's not a reason to get married. GRUBBS: It's a start. MIRANDA: Listen to me. We need to focus on the album... your album. And... and we don't have much time. The music's good, Michael. Now you just have to find the words. HOUSE OF JUNK AND FERGIE Mouth comes to talk with Skills. MOUTH: Hey, Skills. Can I talk to you? SKILLS: Where y'all going? JUNK: Laundry. FERGIE: Cooking class? MOUTH: You're my best friend, Skills. And I just... Lauren and I were just hanging out, you know? It's not like we planned this. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Brooke returns visit to Micro. BROOKE: There's my guy! I wanted to check on you. Are you okay? MOUTH: Yeah. I'm glad you did, though. I need to ask you a question. BROOKE: Shoot. MOUTH: Right after Skills punched me, were your mom and Alexander... BROOKE: Yes. Don't remind me. Thanks. I left the store to avoid them. MOUTH: Scandalous. BROOKE: Not as scandalous as two best friends fighting. What? MOUTH: Well, it's just funny, hearing that from the girl who wore a black eye to prom, courtesy of her BFF. BROOKE: Okay. Well, I remember a certain someone encouraging me to make up with Peyton... Something about too much history to just walk away. Thank you for that, by the way. If it weren't for P. Sawyer, I would have never met Julian. MOUTH: You're welcome. BROOKE: So, what now? I'm very well versed in girl code, but I thought guy code didn't extend past a high five. MOUTH: Usually. But when a guy really cares about a girl, guy code is pretty much the same. I feel horrible. BROOKE: Well, have you guys talked about it? MOUTH: I tried. He walked away. BROOKE: I'm sorry, buddy. That sucks. MOUTH: Yeah. (Brooke receives a message) BROOKE: "Brooke Davis caught in s*x act with boy toy"?! MOUTH: That sucks worse. HOUSE OF JUNK AND FERGIE Junk opens the door and it is Lauren which wants to discuss with Skills. JUNK: Skills... round two. (Skills joined Lauren outside) SKILLS: How can you do this to me? LAUREN: We broke up, Antwon. SKILLS: Yeah, but only because of geography. LAUREN: You really think that's all it was? You left. We barely talked. SKILLS: And... and that's okay, but don't put this all on me. LAUREN: But you stopped calling. I didn't even know you were coming home. I have to move on. SKILLS: Yeah, but with my best friend? You must feel guilty. That's why you came over here, right? LAUREN: I came over here to tell you to stop being a jerk to your friend. SKILLS: So, that's it? You're choosing Mouth over me? LAUREN: I didn't choose anyone, but this version of you isn't helping. PEYTON'S OFFICE Miranda gives the last explanations to Haley. MIRANDA: You're not helping. You're not even listening. Haley! Grubbs proposed to me. Do you believe that? I... I mean, maybe I do like him. But like isn't love. And... and like isn't marriage. Anyway, enough about me. We should be focusing on your music video. They're expecting you in wardrobe. After that, hair and makeup. The live portion will be at Tric... (At the end, Haley does not listen to any more Miranda and leaves the office) MIRANDA: "Oh, thanks, Miranda." CARPARK OF CLUB TRIC Haley is on the point of returning in his caravan but in fact, she gets into her car and returns to it. MAN: Five minutes, Haley. PAUL'S OFFICE Alex comes to talk with Paul. PAUL: Alex. ALEX: I just want to apologize about the s*x tape. I know you and Julian put a lot into this film. PAUL: The s*x tape was yesterday's problem. You put a lot into this film, too. You did great work. Maybe your best work. But that won't matter if nobody shows up to see it. You need to keep Josh's...personal life under wraps. Our film is a love story between a guy and a girl, not a guy and a guy. ALEX: I think that's why they call it acting. PAUL: How many openly gay leading men can you name? Doesn't make it right. Doesn't make it okay. It's just the way it is. ALEX: I just don't think it matters. PAUL: I hope it doesn't. But we can't afford to take that risk. Julian can't afford it. JOSH'S HOTEL ROOM Julian wants explanations of Josh. JULIAN: You have until tonight to give Paul his money back. JOSH: What's that supposed to mean? JULIAN: How could you do this to us? And to the movie? And to Alex, for that matter? JOSH: Hey, I'm an actor, okay? I travel a lot. The road gets lonely. JULIAN: You know what? Save it. Alex told me. You didn't think we would put two and two together with the extortion? I'd have you arrested, if it wasn't for the film. JOSH: I wasn't behind the extortion. I wanted the tape to get out. My ex-boyfriend is threatening to out me. JULIAN: That's not my problem. JOSH: One bad Indie film isn't gonna kill my career, but a scandal like this could. CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke announced in his/her mother and Millicent the scoop which she saw in the press. BROOKE: A scandal like this could kill us right now. VICTORIA: Oh, stop being so dramatic. BROOKE: U think that's dramatic? Wait till I have you fire Alexander. VICTORIA: You wouldn't. BROOKE: I might. How could you do something like that in public?! And better question...What imbecile would mistake me for my mother?! MILLICENT: Maybe it's not that bad. BROOKE: "Clothes over blows"?! It's the second biggest scandal of the week! MILLICENT: Well, what's the first? BROOKE: Oh, God. CLUB TRIC Nathan comes to talk with Grubbs. NATHAN: Grubbs, you seen Haley? GRUBBS: Uh, I think she's with Miranda. Can I get you something to drink while you wait? NATHAN: Yeah, sure. GRUBBS: What'll it be? NATHAN: You've never asked me that before. GRUBBS: I'm a little off my game today. Just Miranda. NATHAN: Ah. That sounds like when I first met Haley. I'll have a whiskey and water. Actually, you know what? It's still daylight outside. Hold the whiskey. GRUBBS: I mean, at least Haley liked you. Miranda just keeps shooting me down. NATHAN: Haley hated me in the beginning. GRUBBS: How did you change things? What did you do? NATHAN: Nothing. There was nothing I could do. One day, she just decided let me in. You can only do what you do, man. (Miranda joins them) MIRANDA: Nathan, have you seen Haley? NATHAN: I was gonna ask you the same thing. CLINN'S HOUSE Clay is phoning. CLAY(at phone): No, I didn't know that. Can you tell me why Katie was... Yeah, any information would be helpful. And could you have Tanesha give me a call? Great. Thank you. QUINN'S GALLERY Camouflaged Katie, entered by effraction and break-in the portrait of Clay. RESTAURANT Skills and Jamie eat between man. WAITRESS: What can I get you boys? JAMIE: Can I get a grilled cheese with chicken fingers, extra fries, and a chocolate milkshake?What? I had leftover Chinese for breakfast. I'm starving. SKILLS: Okay. And a vanilla shake for me. So... how much did you miss your Uncle Skills? Oh, come on, man. It better be more than that. That's what I'm talking about. JAMIE: Can I tell you a secret? SKILLS: Let's hear it. JAMIE: I know someone who missed you even more miss Lauren. She was pretty sad that you left. I bet she's happy now that you're back. SKILLS: I don't know, Dawg. Things are different now. She moved on. JAMIE: What's moved on? SKILLS: Mouth stole her from me. You believe that? My friend. Or at least my ex-friend. JAMIE: So you're not gonna be friends wit Mouth anymore because he stole miss Lauren from you? SKILLS: Yeah, well, friends just don't do that, Jamie. JAMIE: Well, you stole miss Lauren away from me first, and we're still friends. OFFICE OF PRODUCTION Brooke tells the gossip with Julian. BROOKE: You want the bad news or the really bad news? JULIAN: How about the bad news? BROOKE: Well, your girlfriend is the second biggest Internet scandal of the day. "Brooke Davis caught in s*x act with boy toy!" I cannot believe they confused me with my mother! JULIAN: Well, in their defense, she was being blocked by Alexander's naked body. BROOKE: Which brings me to the really bad news. "Alex Dupre and Josh Avery in steamy s*x tape. Click here to watch." Julian announces the news with his father. JULIAN: They released the s*x tape. PAUL: I know. I sold it. JULIAN: I'm sorry. You did what? PAUL: I did what was best for the film. We had to cover our investment. Don't take it personally. JULIAN: Don't take it personally? You mean that my father didn't consult me about this? That's kind of personal, dad. And on top of that what about Alex? How could you do that to her? PAUL: It was Alex's idea. CLOTHES OVER BROS Skills comes to talk with Millie. MILLICENT: Hey, Skills. SKILLS: Hey, Millie. I need to ask you something. MILLICENT: Is it about Marvin and Lauren? SKILLS: Yeah. You know about that? MILICENT: Yeah. SKILLS: And you're not upset about it? MILLICENT: Of course I'm upset, but I want Marvin to be happy. So, why'd you come back? SKILLS: I just missed my life here. It's hard starting over in a new place. MILLICENT: It's hard starting over, period. SKILLS: Lauren was my girl. MILLICENT: And Marvin was my guy, but we took them for granted. I guess we made our beds, and now we have to sleep in them. RED BEDROOM RECORDS Grubbs must find words for his music. By seeing Miranda on the telephone, he finds inspiration. NALEY'S HOUSE Haley looks at a photograph of her, her sisters and her mother. She realizes that her portable sounds. HALEY: Hello? MIRANDA(at phone): Haley! Thank God! Where are you? HALEY: Um, I'm at home. MIRANDA(at phone): Home. Well, what happened? We're waiting for you. HALEY: What are you waiting for? MIRANDA(at phone): Um, your video shoot. What is going on with you? HALEY: Nothing. I just...It's just music. MIRANDA(at phone): Just music? Haley, we're spending 50, 000 dollars a day on this video, and I am not shooting sock puppets in front of a white sheet! So get your ass back here now! HALEY: I got to go. MIRANDA(at phone): Haley, I'm serious. Please tell me there's an emergency or... or give me some reason I can sell to the label as an excuse for why you're not onstage right now. HALEY: I'm making soup. MIRANDA(at phone): Haley... Haley! RESTAURANT The joint tenant of Katie gives news to Clay. TANESHA: They were in Katie's room. That's how I knew who you were when you called. CLAY: I just told her that I wouldn't represent her... TANESHA: It's not you. I also found her lithium in the garbage. Her behavior gets a little... Unpredictable without it. CLAY: How unpredictable? TANESHA: Let's just say you should be careful. QUINN'S GALLERY Quinn notices the ends of glass and notes that the portrait of Clay was broken. NALEY'S HOUSE Jamie comes to see his mother who prepares soup. JAMIE: Mom, I finished my puzzle. You want to come see? HALEY: Um, in a minute. JAMIE: Oh, are you making grandma's special soup? Oh, cool! HALEY: Don't touch! Jamie! (Jamie makes fall the pan from flour) JAMIE: I didn't mean to... look... HALEY: Look what you did! Go to your room! JAMIE: But, mom! HALEY: Just go to your room! Nathan attended the scene, Haley collects the flour. NATHAN: Haley... What happened? They've been calling all day. You just... You just walked off the set? It's a big deal, babe. All right. Hey, hey. It's okay. Just... I'll call them. You go upstairs and relax. Let me clean this up. HALEY: You know, I'm okay. I don't need any help. I just want to be alone. NATHAN: It's gonna be okay, Haley... HALEY: I want to be alone. CLOTHES OVER BROS The press badgers Brooke. BROOKE(at phone): No comment. ALEXENDER: Look, the thing is, we didn't want any of this to happen. We... Well, I wanted that to happen, obviously, but not so publicly. VICTORIA: Alexander tries to say is that we sorry. BROOKE: I don't understand why you just didn't tell me. VICTORIA: Should have. BROOKE: I feel like an idiot, mother. I yelled at Paul because I thought he stood you up for dinner. Why keep it a secret? Unless, of course, you're ashamed of it. ALEXENDER: Well, I've never been ashamed of it. VICTORIA: We're not ashamed of it. BROOKE: Oh, my God. Fine. If he makes you happy, will be happy for you... So long as I do not have to hear or see any more...Details. VICTORIA: Deal. BROOKE: And you... no more... You know, outwork. ALEXENDER: All work and no play promise. BROOKE: You're really okay with this coming out? ALEXENDER: Yeah, cool by me. BROOKE: Let the world know. (Phone rings, Brooke answers) BROOKE(at phone): Clothes over bros. Yes. Hello, TMZ. Uh-huh. That was actually my mother, Victoria Davis. Yes. V-i-c-t-o-r-i-a. RED BEDROOM RECORDS Grubbs records his piece. MIRANDA: Vocal track, take 1. ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM Alex returns the watch in Julian. ALEX: Hey, I have something of yours. Thanks for letting it be a part of my wardrobe. Every time I stepped onto set, it reminded me that someone believed in me. And now that the film's wrapped, well... thank you. JULIAN: Well, you've come a long way since I gave you this watch. Which is why I don't understand how you would allow Paul to release the s*x tape. Hope you're not doing this for Josh. ALEX: I didn't do it for Josh. I did it for you and the movie. You saved my life... Literally. It was the least I could do. I needed to let you know that I believe in you, too. JAMIE'S BEDROOM Nathan sees that the puzzle of Jamie is very broken. NATHAN: Hey, what happened, man? You were almost finish with this thing. That's not work. Thank you. JAMIE: Is mom still mad at me? NATHAN: It's not you, buddy. Your mother really loves you. She always will. Promise. Let's put this thing back together, huh? RED BEDROOM RECORDS Grubbs finishes its song. Miranda gives its impressions. MIRANDA: Um... It's just missing one thing. (She joined him and embraces him) QUINN'S GALLERY Quinn puts carried of Clay in the back shop. Somebody enters, it is Katie. QUINN: I'll be right with you. Watch the glass, please. KATIE: Have an accident? QUINN: Can I help you? KATIE: I'm here for Clay. I mean, my photo of Clay. I know I said you could send it to me, but I decided that I want him now. QUINN! Well, that's unfortunate because that print's already been shipped, per your instructions. Could take weeks. So I guess you're gonna have to get used to being without him. (Quinn's phone rings) QUINN: Excuse me. (at phone) Clay, she's here. QUINN'S GALLERY/CLINN'S HOUSE Clay gives infos on Katie. CLAY: Katie? All right, Quinn, listen to me. I talked to her roommate, Katie's unstable. QUINN: Yeah, you're damn right. She's unstable. She's standing in my gallery telling me that she wants you. She's about to see how unstable I can be. CLAY: Quinn, I'm being serious. Just be careful and get the hell out of there, okay? Please. QUINN: Okay. CLAY: Promise me. QUINN: Yeah, I promise. Um, I'll just tell her I'm gonna close up and head home. CLAY: Okay. And just call me as soon as you get out of there. And, Quinn... I love you. QUINN: I love you, too. QUINN'S GALLERY Katie came in the back shop threatened Quinn. KATIE: I feel sorry for you. Can't you see how sad he is? QUINN: Stop pretending like you know him and leave us alone. KATIE: That's cute. You said "us." But it was obvious he never even told you about me. QUINN: You need to go now. KATIE: I see the way he looks at you. But you don't know the way he looked at me the first time he saw me. He'll never look at you like that. You'll never be Sara. QUINN: Neither will you. KATIE: We'll see about that. MOUTH'S APARTMENT/HOUSE OF JUNK AND FERGIE Mouth, by the means of their video game, please start a conversation with Skills. That accepts. MOUTH: I'm sorry I hurt you. SKILLS: It's part of the game, bro. MOUTH: You know what I mean. You there? SKILLS: Could we just play for a while? MOUTH: Sure. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan joined Haley on the terrace. HALEY: I miss her. NATHAN: I know. Maybe you should focus on your music, Haley. It will see you through. HALEY: What if it doesn't? NATHAN: I'll be here. HOTEL Alex looks at an emission on his computer in his room. PRESENTER: ''What's the difference between a whore and Alex Dupre? The one is payed for s*x and the another do it for free. And another is a turns out was it for Davis vacationing down under... It was her mom. I guess cougars do live in Australia.'' Alex will see Josh in his hotel room. ALEX: Okay, here's the deal. I'm tired of the entire world thinking I'm a slut. JOSH: Thinking? ALEX: So at this moment, you and I are officially together. JOSH: What are you talking about? ALEX: The s*x tape. I don't look as bad as if I made it with my boyfriend... Who loves me. You're welcome. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian returns to the house. Brooke is out of dressing gown with champagne with the hand. JULIAN: Wow. You look nice. BROOKE: Well, I was gonna get dressed for a wrap party, but now I don't have to. To my boyfriend, Julian Baker who survived a day of s*x, lies, and videotapes. JULIAN: Nice. BROOKE: Mm. I almost forgot. That came in the mail for you. JULIAN: "You and a guest have been cordially invited to attend the official unwrap party for 'seven dreams 'til Tuesday.'" (Brooke takes off her dressing gown and is found naked with a ribbon around the chest) JULIAN: Brooke Davis caught in a s*x act with her boy-toy. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Lauren comes to see Mouth. LAUREN: When I'm upset, I bake. And I was really upset. MOUTH: Thanks. LAUREN: Look, I'm sorry. I never meant to come between you guys. MOUTH: I don't know how to handle all of this, Lauren. LAUREN: I don't, either. I just know I wanted to see you. MOUTH: I did, too. But...I can't do this to my friend. I'm sorry. NALEY'S HOUSE Haley returns of race. She unpacks and sees a whisky bottle. She takes glass and will sit down with the piano to play some notes. While wanting to pose glass, she makes it fall on the keys. Voluntarily she makes fall also the candle to pose on the piano and puts fire. QUINN'S GALLERY Clay looks at his broken portrait. Quinn joined him. QUINN: She's not gonna go away. And even what I said thing this is just the beginning. CLINN'S HOUSE Katie has long pitchfork in the business of Clay and views it video of the marriage of Clay and Sara. PRIEST(on TV): And do you, Sara take this man, Clay Evans, to be your lawfully wedded husband, from this day forward, for better or for worse, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish until death do you part? SARA/KATIE: I do. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan sees Haley close to the ignited piano. NATHAN: Haley! Move! (Nathan tries to extinguish fire with a cover) NATHAN: Are you okay? Haley! What happened? HALEY: I'm gonna go call my mum. End of the episode.

Plan: A: Brooke; Q: Who deals with the fallout of Alexander's tryst with Victoria? A: Alex; Q: Who discovers a secret about her leading man? A: Josh; Q: Who is Alex's leading man? A: Julian; Q: What is the name of the film maker? A: Clay; Q: Who is confronted by an unhinged Katie? A: Boys Like Girls; Q: What band is this episode named after? Summary: Nathan and Haley struggle with the aftermath of her mother's death, while Brooke deals with the fallout of Alexander's tryst with Victoria. Alex discovers a secret about her leading man, Josh, that could derail Julian's film, and Clay is confronted by an unhinged Katie. This episode is named after a song by Boys Like Girls .

[the year 2030] Narrator: everybody make mistakes. Take this girl Meg for instance [the year 2007 - the bar - Barney/Meg] Narrator: She made a mistake, a mistake named Barney. Meg: Yeah i thought i was gonna get married to my last boyfriend but, boy, did that guy have commitment issues! That whole relationships, that 3 weeks of my life i'll never get back. Barney: Well, I love commitment. I wish i could marry commitment. [The appartement - Ted/Barney] Barney: I met a girl last night. Ted: Really? Barney: So perky and full of life and not at all fake. Ted: You're talking about her boobs, right? Barney: C! And that wasn't spanish, that was cup size! What up! Ted: So these boobs... Barney: Mmmm... Ted: Paint me a word picture. Barney: All right, Ted. Imagine the heads of two Irish babies. Let's call them...(bbllluuuuu) and (bllluuu) Lily: Please stop! Lily and Marshall eat near the sofa. Narrator: When you get married you start out growing certain parts of your life; and for Lily and Marshall, those certain parts were, for the most part, me. (Lily walks toward the bathroom, open the door and yells, Ted gets out the bathroom, only dressed by a bath towel, an electric razor in a hand) Ted: Why could you come in? you hear me shaving! Lily: I thought you were shaving your face! Ted: Well, clearly i wasn't! [The apartment -Barney/robin- They smoke a cigar and watch a catch game on tv]Together: Oh! No no! Barney (to Robin): Pay up! pussy! (Marshall gets out of his bedroom) Marshall: Guys, it's 3:00 in the morning and it reeks in here. Robin: Ted said it was okay. Ted (gets out of the kitchen): Ah, hey, Marshall. You're still up? Aren't you taking the bar tomorrow? Narrator: Discontent was bubbling under this surface, until one day... [The apartment -Marshall comes toward Ted, furious] Marshall: Ted! How many times have i asked you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar? (Ted wants to speak but Marshall goes on) It's this sort of incoiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like i'm living in the Realworld house, and not the early years when they all had jobs and social consciences. I'm talking about Hawaii and after! I can't take this anymore! Ted, Lily and i are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place! Lily (on the sofa): Actually, I left the lid open. Sorry baby. Narrator: But still, it was time to move forward. So they set out to find a new apartment to rent. [The bar- Marshall/lily- they're on the web] Marshall: Hey, here's one. Private building, recently renovated, hardwood floors, tons of light, two bedroom, 2 bath. Lily: Oh yeah, but that one's not for rent. It's for sale! Marshall: Oh right! Narrator: Kids, uncle Marshall always like to say that he made 3 big mistakes in his life. This was the first (Marshall, when he was kid, on his roof with cardboard wings is going to jump). This was the second (Marshall shaves his head just before his weeding with lily). And this was the third and biggest. Marshall: You should buy a place! Lily: what? Marshall: Baby, real estate is always a good investment! Narrator: It's not! Marshall: And the market is really hot right now. NArrator: It wasn't. Marshall: And because of my new job, we are in such a strong place financially. Narrator: They weren't. 'Cause Lily had a secret. [Flashback: Shopaholic reunion - Lily/Robin] Lily: Hy! My name is Lily and I'm a shopaholic. Robin (alone): Hi, Lily. O, you guys don't do that here? sorry. (to lily) Proceed. Lily: I buy designer clothes and accessories that i can't afford. I have 15 creditcards and they're all maxed out. And no one outside of this room, not even my husband, knows. And i feel terrible because all i want to do right now is ask you (to a girl of the meeting) where you got those shoes? They're adorable. [End flashback] Lily: we can't buy, we have debt. Marshall: Yeah, i know, my sudent loans are pretty big. Lily: I forgive you. Marshall: What? Lily: Well... I'm just saying as your wife, you know i'm cool that you spent tens of thousands of dollars on a brand name law school because i know it make you feel good and pretty. Marshall: Let's just go take a look at this place. Lily: Where is it? Marshall: Uh, it's in a neighborhood called... Dowisetrepla? Lily: Dowisetrepla? [A building in Dowisetrepla- An appartment -Marshall/Lily/An estate agent]The estate agent: Dowisetrepla. Oh, i see, you're not New Yorkers. Marshall: O, Actually we live on the Upper West side, so... The estate agent: No need to be embarassed, listen, here in New York we just shorten the names of all the neighborhood: soho, trybeka, nolita,... Lily: O right Dowisetrepla! No, i'm from New york. I know this neighborhood. I'm down in the D-town. The estate agent: Oh, well, nobody calls it D-town. Dowistrepla the up-and-coming neighborhood. And i have to tell you, for these prices you're not going to be able to find an other... Marshall: I'm, I'm gonna stop you right there. Dont bother with the hard sell. This place is, is way out of our price range, and besides, we've only just started to looking. Narrator: Is what Marshall should have said. [Rewind] Marshall: I'm gonna stop you right there. I LOVE IT. LET'S GET IT! ["How I Met Your Mother", credits] [The dowisetrepla apartment - All] Marshall: Thank you guys for coming down here so quickly. Ted: I've never been to this neighborhood. Kind of thought this part of town was water Marshall: No, Dude. This is dowisetrepla. Ted: Dowisetrepla? Marshall: yeah! Ted: Is that an abbreviation for something? Marshall: pffff (to the estate agent) he's from Ohio. (to Ted) Dowisetrepla is the up-and-coming neighborhood. Ted: oh! Marshall: I think this right the place where lily and i start a family, I can see it now. [Marshall's thought] He plays drumps with his 3 boys in a band " Marshall: All right, bring it home, boys! Lily comes with a child and a cake in her hands Lily: Sounds great boys! Who wants chocolate pancakes? Boys:Tthanks mommy! Marshall: Man, life is gonna be sweet! Robin: Oh my god lily, have you seen this kitchen? Lily: I know. It's... Isn't it amazing? Robin: What the hell are you doing? You can't buy this place; lily you have a debt of the size of Mount Waddington! Lily: Waddington? Robin: It's the tallest mountain in Canada. It's like 4000 meters high. Lily: meters? Robin: Ro, don't let Marshall fall in love with this apartment. Lily: I know, i know, i know, i know! But what do i tell him? Robin: I-I don't know, tell him, tell him you saw a ghost. Tell him it's haunted. Lily: You really don't know Marshall at all. [The living room- Barney makes a sign to the estate agent]Barney: So, uh, the owners, where are they? The estate agent: Oh, they're on vacation in France for 2 weeks. Barney: I see. Between you and me, i'm also interested in this apartment. So is there any way i could come back later and check it out while you'rte showing them other places? The estate agent: The lockbox combination is 1421, and here's my card. (Ted comes to Barney) Ted: Are you serious? You're trying to sneak this apartment away from Marshall and Lily? Barney: Ted, do you think i have no morals whatsoever? I simply want to fool a girl into thinking this is my apartment so i can nail her once and never have to see her again. I'm not a monster! (Lily&Marshall talk to the estate agent) The estate agent: Now, listen, i don't want to put a lot of pressure on you, but there is one other couple that expressed very serious interest Marshall: I see what you're doing here. "another couple", please, that crap is page one out of the Realtor's playbook. And we're not buying it. Narrator: Is what Marshall should have said. Marshall: Another couple? No! We want it. Sell it to us. We'll give you so much more money. Lily: Oh Marshall, can i talk to you? Marshall, i just... I don't know if now is the right time to buy." Marshall: But we're not doing this for now, we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here? [Lily's thought] She paints a picture then talks to her 2 girls Lily: oh persephone! oh daphne! these'll be perfect additions to our upcoming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met. (Marshall comes with a cat and a cake in his hands) Marshall: Looks great girls. Who wants crapes of Girls: Merci papa (en francais) [End flashback] The estate agent: So... What do you guys think? Lily: I love it, but Marshall, i should have told you this long time ago. We can't afford to buy an apartment because i have too much credit card debt. I am so sorry. Narrator: Is what she should have said. Lily (to marshall): I love it. Let's get it. (to the agent) Can we charge it? [The bar ]Ted: To Lily and Marshall and their momentous step forward into adulthood. All: Cheers! Chug! chug! chug! chug! drink it! yes! Well done. Nice! yeah! The waitress: Anything else? Marshall: Yes! I've been staring at that thing for years. Wendy, bring me the comically large bottle of champagne. Wendy: Really? Are you sure? It's never been refrigerated. And i think at some point there was a fish in it. Marshall: Honey, once you've made the sale, stop selling. Wendy: All right, but you guys have to help me carry it. Marshall, Ted, Barney: All right, let's do it. Let's do it. Lily (to Robin): I know what you're thinking. I should tell Marshall the truth. I've got the whole thing figure out. We'll apply for the loan under Marshall's name, and he'll never need to know. And then in the meantime, i'll slowly work down my debt, right after i furnish the apartment. I saw this amazing leather sofa today. Robin: you should be a reality show. (The guys carry the bottle of champagne on the table): nice! nice! Marshall (to Ted): Wait! That cork is the size of a softball and you're pointing it directly at Wendy the waitress's face. Narrator: Is what he should have said. [black background] [The building in Dowisetrepla]Narrator: Now if you are thinking about buying an apartment, it's always good to check the place out at night. (Barney comes into the apartment with a girl) Barney: Welcome to my humble abode. The girl: This place is so nice. Barney: Ah, make yourself at home. Please get comfortable. If you see something you like, just take it. The girl (taking picture on the table): Who are these people? Barney: Uh... That's my parents. The girl: They're Asian. Barney: Yeah! They're a chinese couple that wanted a white baby, it works both ways. Cookie? The girl: Wow! Did you make those? Barney: You got me. My sisters taught me how to bake and how to listen. The girl: Wow, i feel so at home here. Barney: I'm glad. Sometimes, i don't. A place like this really needs a lady of the house. I know it's early to be thinking of you as... Oh, God, i'm freaking you out, aren't I? It's just you make me feel so safe. I didn't..." (The girl starts kissing Barney) [A bank's office - Lily/Marshall/a bank employee]Narrator: The next day, Lily and Marshall went to the mortgage broker to get a loan. Marshall: Hey, uh, can we get this in singles? Before we get the apartment i want to put in a kiddie pool and swim around in it naked. (laugh) Bank employee: Great, that is great Marshall: Thank you. Bank employee: okay! All right, back to business. All right, MRS Aldrin, i'm going to need your social as well. Lily: What? Why? I mean, you already have Marshall's. Bank employee: Yes, but since you're a married couple, you'll be applying for a joint loan, so. Lily: Well, can we just go ahead and do it in my husband's name? He's the head of the household. He earns the big bucks. I mean, can women even own property? Marshall: Go ahead, just give him your social. Lily: Okay my... my social is, uh... 1glmmdhgj2. Bank employee: Got it! Let's see what kind of rate i can get you 2. Marshall: Under six percent, under six percent, please Bank employee: There we go, Congratulation you've been approved for a loan at 18%. Marshall: No way. That-that can't be right. Bank employee: you're lucky to be getting mortgage. Lily: Let's get out of here, Marshall. Marshall: Hold it, I- i don't understand. Did we do something wrong or...? Bank employee: You have quite a bit of debt. Marshall: My student loans. Great. I thought we were friends. you know what, it's fine to penalize me for trying to get an education and bud a career, but i will not let you deprive my beautiful wife of her dream home just because i... Bank employee: Okay, actually, it's because of your wife's credit card debt. (The bank employee shows on his computer the Lily's debt to Marshall. He seems astonished) Lilly: Marshall, there's something i have to tell you, and i want you to hear it from me first. [SCENE_BREAK] [The appartment - Ted/Barney/Robin - they come in] Robin: Okay, let me get this straight. You just snuck this girl into some stranger's apartment? Barney: Yeah, we spent the night. [Flashback: The morning, Barney and the girl are in the dowisetrepla apartment] Barney: Hey, look at you. Girl: I'm wearing your bathrobe. I hope you don't mind. Barney: The only thing missing from that bathrobe are your initials. (laugh) Girl: My mom's gonna be in town next week. It's okay if she stays with us? Barney: Only if she sleeps in the bed and i sleep on the couch. Girl: You're so sweet. Barney: I love you. There, i said it and i'm not taking it back. Girl: Oh my god! I love you too. I'm finally not the first one to say it! Barney: How about you get in the shower, and i will make us some waffles. (They kiss, she goes to the bathroom, he left) [End flashback] Barney: Works at every time. Robin: Wait. That time that you offered to walk my dogs when i went to visit my dad in Vancouver... Barney: Yup! Robiin: Is that why my Yorkie trembled for like a week after i got back? Barney: Yeah. That little guy saw some stuff i'm not proud of. (Ted looks worried) Robin: Wh-what? Ted: There was a fight here. Robin: What do you mean? Ted: Whenever Marshall and Lily have a big argument, they always leave a trail of evidence all over the apartment. Robin: Oh, God here we go. He had a detective club as a kid. Ted: HUm the Mosby boys cracked a lot of big cases. Robin: The Mosby boys? You mean you and your sister. Ted: We solved the mystery of the missing retainer. Robin: Let me guess, it was in the garbage. Ted: Why are you like this? Anyway, this is serious. I know Lily and Marshall. All the tell tale signs are here. Like this Robin: A water bott. Barney (to Robin): Don't touch the evidence. (to Ted) I got your back partner. Ted: It's not stiny water bottle. Notice the label is peed off. [Flashback - The apartment- Lily/Marshall - They quarrel]Ted (voice off): Lily always peels labels off the bottle when she's feeling guilty. This lab is not only peel off but torn up. Oh man, she must have done something bad. Which means Marshall must have been really angry, and when Marshall gets rely angry, he eats. [End flashback] (Ted runs to the kitchen, picks up a ben & jerry ice cream on the floor) Ted: Just as i suspected, Cherry Garcia. Given the liquid consistency, i place the fight between... noon and 1. Robin: Ew, that was on the floor. Barney: If you wwant to get to the bottom of this, you're gonna need a stronger stomach than that, doll face. Ted: Marshall stood here. Eating and yelling, yelling and eating. Lily stood here. Crying. (Ted takes a handkerchief on the bar of the kitchen) Robin: Hey, Ted! Ted: And then Marshall tried to storm out... but Lily went for the Hail Marpass. (We see Lily jump on Marshall and kiss him) Which would mean... (Ted finds an underwear behind the pillows of the sofa). Barney: What do you think, make obsess? Ted: There'd be a bigger mess. tempted as he was, Marshall was still too upset. He had to get out of here, any way he could. He choose the door slamming it behind him. Robin: Which Is why this picture is crooked. Ted: Nice catch, Robin. Barney: I'll just, uh, take this down to the lab. (He wants to take the wonderbra. Robin grab it from him). Ted: Now that we need is a motive. The million dollar question what were they fighting about? Robin: I know what they've been fighting... Ted: bup bup bup bup bup... Theres's only one possible conclusion. Lily and Marshall are fighting about peanut butter. Barney: Ah! Ted: Lily left the lid off... (Ted put dark sunglasses) and marshall blew heads. Robin: I know what they were fighting about, and it wasn't peanut butter. Barney: Robin, just... Ted: I appreciate your help, but there's a reason your name is Robin, not Batman. Barney (to Robin): Just... Robin: They were fighting because they didn't get the loan and it's all Lily's fault. Barney: Robin, just... Ted: What? Robin: Yeah, she has a pile of debt the size of mount... Rushmore Ted: Nice try Robin. So, the next thing Lily did was give Marshall a few hours to cool off about the peanut butter. Then she called him to apologize, which is why the last number dialed is... (Ted take the phone and see the last number) Phone Voice: Greenstein and Lee, Divorce Attorneys. (Surprised, Ted throws the phone) [The apartment - Ted, Barney, Robin - They're sitting down the floor of the kitchen and eating ice cream] Ted: This can't be happening. Barney: They can't... get divorced. Ted: Not Lily and Marshall, no way. Robin: Well, it's been nice knowing you guys. Ted: What do you mean? Robin: Well, Marshall's gonna get yyou guys, Lily's gonna get me. Ted: Even if they break up, that doesn't mean we can't all hangout. I mean we broke up and we still hang out. It's not weird. Robin: It's a little weird. Ted: Yeah, it is. It's weird. Barney: The world needs Marshall and Lily... together... I'm not crying, there's something in my eye. (keys noise) Robin: They're back. (Lily and Marshall come into the room) Marshall: Hey, hey guys. Lily: We have an annoucement. Barney (going to cry): I know, it's a terrible idea. You can't do it. Just look at me. Ted: I hit redial on the phone. Divorce lawyers? Lily: Ow, I should explain. We got in a pretty big fight. ted: Yeah, I know Lily: Marshall stormed out. Marshall: I went, uh, to the bar. [Flashback: The bar- Marshall drinks the big bottle of champagne, Lily comes to him] Lily: Still drinking that? Marshall: I paid for it. And apparently money's tight now, so... Lily: Listen, i've been thinking about this, and i know there's no way to undo what i've done, but, well, I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer. Marshall: What?! What?! Lily: Oh no no! no, no, no Marshall (in the same time): You want a divorce now? Lily: No! I just mean on papers, so that you can buy the apartment without my bad credit dragging us down. Marshall: Lily... are you trying to kill me? Lily: I'm sorry, i shouldn't have led with the divorce lawyer part. Marshall: No, you shouldn't have! I love you, Lily. Lily: I love you too, and i want us to have our dream home. And well, i don't know, it seems like this is a way to do it. So Marshall Eriksen, will you divorce me? Marshall: That's the sweetest divorce proposal i've ever heard. Lily: So is that a yes? You can't sleep with other women though. Marshall: No we're not getting divorced, not even on paper. Lily, when i married you, i married your problems too. The ones i knew about and the ones i didn't. So that was the deal, we'll figure this out together. (They kiss, the waitress comes) Wendy, upset, with a black eye: Can i get you guys anything else? [End flashback] Robin: So you're not getting a divorce? Lily: No! Ted: Wow, guys! You scared us. Barney: Oh, thank God. Cause, i mean, if you did then who'd be the lame married couple i get to make fun of? Like 'Hey Marshall, you're married mrs right, you just didn't know her first name was Always.' That stuff is cold. Robin: So what's the annoucement? Marshall: I just got off the phone with the Realtor. We told her that, uh, because of our finances, we're not getting the place. It's just --it's not the right time. Narrator: Is what Marshall should have said. [Rewind] Marshall: I just got off the phone with the Realtor. we got the place! Lily: We're home on earth! The others: Are you insane? Narrator: Is what we should have said. Together: Yeah!! (They hug each other) [On a cab -Lily/Marshall] Marshall: Ow this is exciting! Lily: Yeah! There it is! Our new home! Marshall: Shall we? Lily: We shall. (They go out then come back quickly because of it stinks) Lily: Oh! what a horrible smell. Marshall: It reeks! Cab driver: Oh, that's just the plant. Don't worry, they shut it down on the weekends. Lily: Wh-what plant? What are you talking about? Cab driver: Don't you know? Baby, this whole neighborhood is downwind of the sewage treatment plant. Marshall: Wait... What did you just say? Cab driver: I said, we're downwind of the sewage treatment plant. [Title: DOWISETREPLA] Marshall & Lily: Oh oh End.

Plan: A: Marshall; Q: Who learns about Lily's secret? A: a rash; Q: What does Lily get on her face? A: irresponsible decisions; Q: What kind of decisions did Lily and Marshall make? A: the "Dowisetrepla" neighbourhood; Q: What is the name of the neighbourhood where Lily and Marshall buy an apartment? A: Barney; Q: Who uses the apartment to hook up with women? A: his address; Q: What does Barney not want to give away? Summary: Lily and Marshall make a rash of irresponsible decisions when buying an apartment in the "Dowisetrepla" neighbourhood, while Barney uses this opportunity to hook up with women without giving away his address. Marshall learns about Lily's secret.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] This town was my home once. I want it back. We should have known our mother would not be bound by anything as obvious as death. Esther. I have come to heal our family. For you, I will undo everything that has been done, thereby giving you a new life. You mean, you don't recognize me? It's been a long time, Finn. Well, there's no way Kol would listen to anything other than his ego. And even the wildest us of Mikaelsons has seen the error of his ways. I'm Kaleb. Davina. Aah! You filthy dogs. It can't be. Hello, son. Father! How do you expect to show them the error of their ways? Perhaps it's time to turn our attention to the outskirts of our beautiful home. [ MARCEL'S LOFT ] ( The vampires are congregated at Marcel's apartment, drinking and talking. Gia stands against the wall with her eyes closed, and catches a dart thrown by a fellow vampire before it can hit her in the face ) Gia: [laughs and holds out her hand to the vampire] Pay up! ( The vampire hands her a $100 bill. Across the room, Josh is checking a message on a dating app on his phone. His username is NoLaYolo019. Marcel walks over and hands him a drink ) Marcel: Any prospects? Josh: Well, since you asked... Yeah, there's this one guy. We've been messaging so far, but... I think I like him. Like, really like him. Marcel: So, what's the problem? Josh: Oh, I don't know... I might have left a few things out of the old profile. For example, what has two thumbs and drinks blood to survive? Oh, right! This guy. [he gives Marcel a double -thumbs -up] ( Marcel laughs and takes a sip of his drink. After a moment, someone is thrown through the windows. It's a vampire, who appears to have had his throat ripped out. Suddenly, werewolves with moonlight rings swarm the loft, led by Oliver and a werewolf named Aiden ) Gia: [angry] The hell is wrong with you people? We didn't do anything! Aiden: This is nothing your kind hasn't done to us. Learn your history. Marcel: I don't know who the hell you are, but we had a deal. Vampires stay out of the Quarter, everybody's cool. Aiden: That's not good enough anymore. Marcel: Oh yeah? Says who? You? Or that witch you all answer to now? Lenore, right? Never thought I'd see the day - proud werewolves on a witch's leash. I hope those rings you're wearing are worth it. ( Aiden smirks and nods toward the wolves behind him. One of the werewolves grabs one of the vampires and bites into his neck. Another werewolf goes after Josh, and Josh uses all of his strength to keep him from biting him as well ) Aiden: That's enough! ( Josh manages to push the werewolf off of him ) Aiden: Your privileges here have been revoked. Permanently. So, when we come back, you need to be gone. Because next time? I won't call them off. [Marcel glares at him] Consider this a warning, Marcel. It's the only one you're gonna get. [SCENE_BREAK] [ CREDITS ] [SCENE_BREAK] [ VINCENT'S OFFICE ] ( Vincent/Finn, who is still "undercover" as a psychology adviser at Cami's school, is sitting in a chair, while Cami, who is looking out the window, talks to him. While she speaks, we see a montage of an All Hallows Eve party on the streets below ) Cami: This is a city of death. Fires, floods... to say nothing of the violence we do to each other. We may laissez les bon temps rouler, but really, we've turned life here into one big party to distract ourselves from a single, unavoidable truth - we're all going to die. Vincent/Finn: Is that what you're afraid of? Cami: Who says I'm afraid of anything? Vincent/Finn: Cami, we've been meeting like this for weeks now, and you're still dodging my questions. Now, how do you expect your patients to open up to you when you won't open up yourself? Cami: I'm open! What do you want me to be open about? My dead uncle? My dead brother? Vincent/Finn: How about the living? I mean, you're highly intelligent, you are charming, and you're beautiful. I mean, surely you must have friends? Boyfriends? ( Cami chuckles and shakes her head ) Vincent/Finn: [scoffs] You really mean to tell me that there's no one that warrants discussion here? Cami: [shrugs] I'm attracted to the wrong kind of guy. I know, tale as old as time. Vincent/Finn: Well, Cami, that's your tale! And, part of the therapeutic process is in the telling of it! Cami: [sighs] There was this one guy. Smart, loyal, abs for days... But, I was his rebound girl, if I'm gonna be honest with myself. And, he was also... well, you know, unique in ways that mean I should probably stay away from him. Vincent/Finn: [smiles] Unique? Cami: Just trust me on this one. We're not compatible. Vincent/Finn: Now, you said one guy. Am I to assume there are more? Cami: [shrugs] There was... this other guy. Also unique. I mean, nothing ever happened between us. He just got under my skin, I guess. Manipulative mother, abusive father. And under all that anger, and mistrust, and cruelty, there was goodness in him. And, no matter how much I tried, I couldn't pretend it wasn't there. Vincent/Finn: You cared for him. You wanted to save him. So, what happened? Cami: [quietly] Some people don't wanna be saved. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MIKAELSON COMPOUND ] ( The Crescent wolves staying at the compound are congregated in the courtyard when Elijah enters the room ) Elijah: Brother! Niklaus! Hayley: [marches into the room] You do realize that literally everyone in here has supernatural hearing, right? Elijah: Where is my brother? Hayley: [sarcastically] I'll check his calendar... Wait, no. Not his wife, so... Elijah: [annoyed] Hayley, this city is under siege by an army of beasts following my deranged mother's every command. Now, considering it was your people who just declared war on my kind, now's not the best time for your particular brand of sass. Hayley: [unamused] Klaus left a while ago. If you want to find him, I can't help you. If only there was a magical device that people used to call people? I don't know, I'm out of ideas. Good luck. [she turns and walks away, but stops and turns back at the last moment] Oh! One more thing, Elijah - those "beasts" that you're referring to? They may be under Esther's control, but, like you said, they're my people. So, if you hurt them, your bitch mother will be the least of your problems. ( She turns to leave. Elijah stands and stares as she walks away, looking unhappy ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER ] ( The All Hallows Eve party is still raging on in the streets as Cami exits Vincent's office. She calls Davina, who answers it ) Cami: Finally, you pick up your phone! I've been trying to get a hold of you for days! Way to leave a girl hanging. ( The scene cuts back and forth between Cami in the Quarter and Davina, who is standing on the porch of a cabin out near the Bayou ) Davina: I know, I should have called you back. I didn't want you to worry. I just... things are complicated. ( She watches while Mikael trains with a wooden staff out in the yard ) Cami: Yeah, well, word on the streets - and, by streets, I mean Josh - is that you've gone totally MIA. Seriously, are you okay? Where are you? Davina: I'm fine. I'll be back soon, I promise. And... thanks for calling. It's good to hear your voice. [she hangs up] Cami: Davina? Davina? ( She sighs and checks her phone to see that the call has disconnected. Behind her, Klaus is standing and smirking ) Klaus: Well, that was rather rude! [Cami turns quickly and gapes at him in shock] Well, it's a pleasure to see you, too, Camille! Cami: Don't...Don't do that crooked -smile thing, okay? I haven't see you for months, and now you're... appearing out of the blue? What do you want? Klaus: Well, I have a rather long list of people I need to track down and deal with, and at the top of that list is a certain runaway witch. Cami: Maybe she doesn't want to be found. Klaus: And for good reason. Had I magically resurrected the insane, vampire -hunting father of my sworn enemy, I'd be hiding too! Cami: [stunned] Wait, what? Klaus: Oh, haven't you heard? Mikael the Destroyer, back from the dead. And, by all accounts, under the complete control of your little friend, Davina. Cami: [worried] Well, you heard her, clearly. She didn't say where she was! Klaus: Oh, on the contrary, love. You just had to know how to listen. For instance, I heard cicadas, and I heard tans, but the real giveaway was the church bells. Did you know Davina's family owns a little cabin in Terrebonne Parish? It's been abandoned for years! But, a brief glimpse at a map showed its just a mile from the loveliest little chapel. Cami: [sighs] So, what's the plan? Klaus: Well, the way I see it, if Davina wants to use Mikael to kill me, we just have two options. One, you reason with her. Two? Well, I don't think you'd like two very much. Cami: [considers this for a moment] Fine. Let's go ( The two begin to walk down the street and head off to Davina's cabin ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ COVEN HOUSE ] ( Lenore/Esther and Kaleb/Kol are in the greenhouse, where they are holding their hands over a map to do a locator spell. Esther is chanting the spell, while Kol just pretends to mouth the words while he tries to check his phone ) Esther: **Qui nous ti fille, a pouvoir la trouver, yon souree non se bla - [claps] Kol! Concentrate. [Kol rolls his eyes and puts his phone away] Unless you've finally heard from our missing Davina Claire. ( She takes a rose and plucks several petals from it before dropping them in a glass bowl of water ) Kol: Well, it's only a matter of time. I mean, look at this face! How long can she possibly resist? Esther: Given your progress, I'd say indefinitely. ( She pricks her pinky with the end of a dagger and drips her blood into the bowl with the rose petals ) Esther: No matter. I'll find her. [she holds up the bowl] Now, focus. Conjure her in your mind. [Kol sighs and closes his eyes] **Mate oxan ceux qui en lumierre la fille - ( The bowl shatters in her hands and all over the map ) Esther: She's somehow blocked our locator spell. Kol: Not entirely my fault, then. Vincent/Finn: [enters the room] Considering your sole task was keeping track of a teenager, you might want to draw a little less attention to your absolute failure to do so. Kol: Oh, you're one to talk about failure! Have you got that human girl to bare her soul to you, yet? Or are you too busy playing captain to a pack of mangy dogs to have any success as a fake headshrinker? Finn: [annoyed] You know what your problem is? Kol: Oh, I would love to listen - Esther: [frustrated] Boys. [Finn and Kol break up their fight] Now, if I'm right, Davina has the white oak stake. Find the girl, Kol, and get it back. [SCENE_BREAK] [ DAVINA'S FAMILY'S CABIN ] ( Mikael is outside, standing with his wooden staff with his eyes closed, as though he is meditating. He is clearly still healing from his battle against the werewolves in [i]Alive and Kicking. Davina comes out to join him )[/i] Davina: You don't look so good. Those bites - Mikael: [approaches her] Werewolf venom is to be purged by force, not acquiesced to. Davina: And what is that? A Viking bumper sticker? Mikael: [ignores her] Exactly how much longer are we going to be hiding here? Like cowards? Davina: Elijah saw you. If he knows you're here, then Klaus does, too. So, I'm sorry, but until I unlink him from my friends, you're stuck here with me. Mikael: Confrontation is inevitable, child. Your fear will prove to be our greatest disadvantage. Davina: I'm not afraid. Mikael: Well, you should be. You are weak. Davina: But I'm still in charge. [she holds up her wrist and shows him her bracelet] By the way, I spelled it while you were...purging. It won't come off again. Mikael: Ah, yes. Your magic. How well did that serve you when the wolves attacked? Hmm? Magic can only ever fight half your battles. Remember that. ( Mikael turns to go back to his training. Davina calls after him ) Davina: Okay. Fine. You're so tough? Teach me. Mikael: Teach you what? Davina: How to be strong. ( Mikael smirks ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MARCEL'S LOFT ] ( The vampires, including Gia, Marcel, and Josh, are all meeting to discuss what to do with the werewolves' ultimatum ) Gia: We don't wanna run. Marcel: I know, and I respect that. But, believe me, there's a big difference between wanting to fight and knowing how to win. Gia: So, show us! You've kicked their ass before, I'm guessing you didn't do it alone. Josh: [holds up hand] Umm, yeah, not that I don't dig the whole Karate Kid vibe that we got going on here, but - how are we supposed to learn to defend ourselves from an army of super -wolves in, like, one day? ( Marcel has no answer. Suddenly, someone vamp -speeds through the room and snaps the necks of two of the male vampires. It's Elijah. Marcel rolls his eyes and sighs, while Josh looks nervous ) Elijah: Lesson one - always be on your guard. ( Marcel and Gia stare at Elijah. Elijah smirks ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY ] ( Vincent/Finn is conferring with Oliver, Aiden, and several other werewolf leaders in front of a large crypt ) Vincent/Finn: Well, I trust our message was well received. Oliver: Loud and clear. Those vampires should be gone by tomorrow. Vincent/Finn: In my experience, one can never be too careful with these creatures, though. We'll greet them with superior numbers. [turns to another werewolf] Would you bring me the recruits, now, Sam? [Sam leaves to do as he's told] Oliver, Aiden - I have a task for you. ( A group of young children in their early teens are led out to join the leaders. Aiden's eyes widen in shock and confusion when he sees a young, dark -haired boy in the crowd ) Aiden: What's going on here? Vincent/Finn: Tonight is luna sanguinis. A blood moon. Now, one thousand years ago, your people marked this celestial event with a rite of passage. Electing not to shrink from their nature, but to embrace it, with pride, by slaying a human being and activating their curse. ( Aiden gasps quietly in horror when he realizes what Vincent/Finn is trying to do ) Vincent/Finn: Tonight, as unturned wolves, you will kill with the singular purpose of unleashing that warrior that lives within you. Aiden: [angry] They're just a bunch of kids! Vincent/Finn: Aiden, we can no longer afford to hide our children from the horrors of war. [He puts his arm around the dark -haired boy's shoulders. Oliver and Aiden look horrified] From now on, you're either with us, or you're against us. [he turns to the children] Come with me! ( Vincent/Finn leads the children away, as Oliver and Aiden stare at them as they leave ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ DAVINA'S CABIN ] ( Mikael is carving a symbol into another wooden staff he has made from a tree branch. Davina comes outside to join him ) Davina: What's that? Mikael: The crest of our clan. A reminder that we always carry the honor of our ancestors before we go to battle. [He flings the knife into the wooden swing on which he's sitting before standing and throwing the staff at Davina, who just barely catches it] Davina: I wasn't ready! Mikael: First lesson - always be on your guard. Davina: [feels the staff] It's heavy. Mikael: [annoyed] I was half your age the first time my father gave me the staff. I would have torn every muscle rather than let him see me strain. And, had I - [he attacks her, and she barely blocks it] - He would have corrected me. Davina: [pants] No offense, but your dad sounds like a jerkwad. Mikael: Mothers love their children. Fathers make them strong. [He attacks her again, and though she struggles, she manages to continue blocking him] Davina: My mother tried to sacrifice me, and my dad took off when I was born. So - [she starts to fight back, but Mikael easily dodges her strikes] Mikael: You're anticipating. Do not let me see your move before you make it. [He strikes at her staff, knocking her off -balance and causing her to twist her ankle as she falls. She whimpers in pain] Mikael: [impatient] Get up. Davina: [groans] I can't. I hurt my ankle. Mikael: The ability to end your pain is a warrior's true weapon. Master that, and nothing holds power over you. [Davina glares at him] Now, on your feet. [Davina winces] I said, on. your. feet. ( Davina continues to glare at him, but does grab her staff to use it to help her pull herself up on her feet. She leans against the staff for support. Mikael looks mildly impressed ) Mikael: Good. Perhaps you've actually learned something today. [SCENE_BREAK] [ BAR NEAR THE BAYOU ] ( Cami sits alone at a table with a cocktail, staring off into space, when Klaus walks in and finds her ) Klaus: "Wait in the car," you said. "I'll be right back," you said! [Cami ignores him and takes a big gulp of her drink] Did I not sufficiently explain to you the urgency of this endeavor? Cami: You're the one who hijacked my afternoon to drive me along to this revenge fantasy of yours! Excuse me if I need a drink to take off the edge before the killing begins. Klaus: So, that's your plan, is it? Ply me with alcohol and prattle on until I'm convinced to leave Davina and Michael alone to plot my death? Cami: No. My plan is to listen. Come on, Klaus. You could have eavesdropped on that phone call and vanished before I even knew you were there. So, let's just get to the part you really want me to play. [Klaus stares at her] Therapist, stenographer, drinking buddy. Call it whatever you want, I know why I'm here: to give you the one thing you've never had - someone to hear your side. ( Klaus gapes at her, shocked that she would offer such a thing. He then quietly sits down across from Cami at the table ) Cami: So. You want to kill your father? Fine! Let's talk. ( She smiles at him, and Klaus smiles back before grabbing her drink and taking a sip ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ DAVINA'S CABIN ] ( Davina is inside, sitting in a chair, as she gingerly removes her boot to find that her ankle is swollen and bruising. She whimpers in pain as she gently touches the top of her foot, and, seeing no other options, picks up her phone and dials a number ) Davina: [wincing in pain] Hi. Um, I'm sorry, I know I haven't called in a while. Kaleb/Kol: [in the coven house's greenhouse] Don't be silly, love. Are you alright? Where are ya? Davina: Um... I'll text you the address. And maybe a list of some things you can bring me? Kaleb/Kol: Alright, I'll be right there. [He hangs up and smiles] [SCENE_BREAK] [ MARCEL'S LOFT ] ( Elijah is helping to teach Gia how to fight like a vampire. She goes to punch his chest, but he blocks it ) Elijah: As a devout feminist, I refuse to say that you hit like a girl. [He lets go, and she spins in frustration] Let's try this again, shall we? Gia: Tell me again why I don't get to be outside with everybody else. You know, with the nice teacher? Elijah: [rolls up his sleeves] You are my responsibility. Gia: ...Says the feminist. Elijah: [chuckles] Fighting is rhythm. There is a music, there is a meter, there is a pattern. Let that rhythm beat within you. [stands defensively] Again. [Gia puts up her fists and starts to fight him, but he easily blocks her blows. The two spin and continue practicing] Elijah: Legato. [fighting] Ostinato. [fighting] Crescendo. [She hits him, but he blocks it] And then, once you've established your cadence - [Gia spins out of his grip, kicks him, and presses him against the wall while he's distracted] Gia: [smiles] You change the key. Elijah: [panting] Very nice. [He grabs her arm and presses her hand against his chest] Now - the head, or the heart? [Gia hesitates] None of this matters if you cannot make the kill. Gia: What if I can't do it? ( She lets go of him, but he grabs her arm and puts it back in place ) Elijah: You will. To survive. Now - the head, or the heart? [Gia looks terrified, but she shoves her hand into Elijah's chest and grabs his heart. Elijah winces in pain but looks proud] Hayley: [enters the apartment and is horrified] Elijah? [Gia and Elijah both look startled and mildly embarrassed. Gia takes her hand out of his chest and lets go of him. Hayley looks slightly jealous, but she plays it cool and approaches them] Hayley: We need to talk. ( Aiden follows Hayley into the loft. Gia looks as though she's about to lunge for him, but Elijah holds her back ) Hayley: We're not here for a fight. Just hear him out. Elijah: [unamused] Speak. I suggest you be succinct. Aiden: [sighs] Please. I need your help. ( After the break, Elijah, Gia, Hayley, and Aiden have been joined by Oliver, Josh, and Marcel. The werewolves explain their dilemma ) Aiden: The witch wants soldiers. So now, it's either join up, or pay the price. Elijah: I've known my brother Finn to be merciless, but I'll admit, this exceeds even my expectations. Hayley: They're just kids. Marcel, you know the Quarter like the back of your hand. If anyone can get them out of here, it's you. Marcel: Oh? And take 'em where? Oliver: There's still wolves deep in the Bayou. Ones that didn't take a ring. They can look after them. Marcel: The ones that never sold out, you mean. Oliver: You wanna look at it like that, that's fine. We did what we had to do. Marcel: [sighs] Your wolves have been fighting us for decades. Why trust us now? Aiden: [hesitates] One of the recruits is my little brother. [Josh looks shocked] There's no way I'm sending him to war. ( Marcel looks over at Elijah, who sighs ) Elijah: Tell us what you need. [SCENE_BREAK] [ A BAR NEAR THE BAYOU ] ( Klaus is getting drunk and telling Cami what she wants to know ) Klaus: My mother's intentions are far less savage than my father's. She'd prefer to place us all in new bodies, thereby reuniting our family in some bizarre coven of extremely dysfunctional witches. Cami: So, what, are you just gonna kill her, too? Klaus: If only I could. But, therein lies my predicament - if I kill her, she'll just jump into another body. If I somehow manage to thwart that nasty little inconvenience, she'll rejoin the bloody witch ancestors and haunt me from beyond. But, right now, Mikael has the white oak stake. He needs to die first. Cami: And, how are you going to do that unarmed? Klaus: [smiles and puts a hand inside his jacket] I've taken precautions. [He pulls out Papa Tunde's blade and shows it to her] Cami: Oh, goody, Papa Tunde's Mystical -Knife -of -Ludicrous -Torment. Glad that's still around. Klaus: You know, my parents dedicated their lives to making me feel weak and afraid. I've killed them once already. I can do it again. [He stands to his feet as though he's about to leave, but Cami stops him by grabbing his arm] Cami: Klaus, wait. I get it. The hurt your parents have inflicted on you for a thousand years. I understand what you're fighting against. The real question is what are you fighting for? [Klaus looks at her, confused and surprised] Ask me to dance. Klaus: [skeptical] You want to dance? Cami: No. I... never want to dance. I'm actually really bad at it. But, I'm trying to make a point - there's more to life than the pain they made you feel. A cold beer, a slow song, a good friend... There are good things, Klaus. [she takes his hand] And you need to see that, too. ( Klaus looks as though he's about to cry. Cami puts her free hand on his shoulder, and he puts his own hand on her waist as the two begin to dance. They stare at each other, their faces close ) Cami: There's no real peace in revenge. ( Klaus' face slowly creeps closer to Cami's, as though he's going to kiss her, but he simply moves his face so its resting against hers. Cami looks overwhelmed as he puts his face close to hers again before he spins her quickly. Cami smiles for a brief moment, but when she turns back toward him, Klaus has vanished. She looks sad and disappointed ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ DAVINA'S CABIN ] ( Kaleb/Kol has arrived to the cabin with the things she asked for, and is taking a look at Davina's bruised ankle ) Kaleb/Kol: [rolls up the cuff of her jeans] Yeah, I've heard about this! I've never actually seen it firsthand. It appears someone has knocked you head over heels, quite literally! [Davina giggles] And I thought I'd have that honor! Davina: [smiles] Hmm. ( Kol uses his fingers to scoop up an herbal poultice that he's made in a bowl and spreads it over Davina's injured foot ) Davina: [wrinkles nose] Ugh, it smells like - Kaleb/Kol: - You've run into something quite dead? Yeah. It's just a little something I picked up from a shaman bloke in Uganda. [he finishes treating her ankle] There you go! Davina: [sighs in relief as she tries to stand] Wow, the pain is just - ( She stumbles, and Kaleb/Kol catches her ) Kaleb/Kol: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [he sits her down on the bench next to him] It's magic, alright? It's not a miracle. [He sets her ankle on the chair so it can rest before nodding toward the vials, herbs, and parchments with magical writing sitting on the table] Kaleb/Kol: That's quite the spell you've got going here! [Davina chuckles] I mean, not to pry, but I figured you had your secrets after our last date ended in a werewolf bar brawl. Davina: [smiles] Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Kaleb/Kol: Aw, it's alright. I've never really liked dull girls, anyway. That said, what exactly is going on here? [Davina opens her mouth to speak, but can't find the words] You're still not the trusting sort. Davina: [sighs] Do you trust me? Kaleb/Kol: [jokingly] Are you slicked? Those sad eyes might fool some people, but not me. I know what you're after. [Davina is confused] You've got a lecherous heart, Davina Claire! [Davina bursts out laughing] I won't be used, not for my body, nor my medicinal herbs! Davina: [giggles] Hmmm. Kaleb/Kol: We can hold hands, that's it! [he looks at her for a moment] Whatever it is you're up to, well, you can tell me when you're good and ready. [He brushes a lock of her hair behind her ear, and Davina stares at him, smiling] [SCENE_BREAK] [ MARCEL'S LOFT ] ( Marcel, Elijah, Josh, Gia, Hayley, Aiden, and Oliver are organizing their plan for the evening. Josh stares at Aiden awkwardly as he talks ) Aiden: Alright, the kids are being held in the City of the Dead until we bring them through the Quarter to St. Anne's Church. Now, meanwhile, Vincent is holding a meeting with a few humans in -the -know. The ones who have been...reluctant to fall in line with his new leadership. Elijah: [in realization] He's going to use the children to kill any opposition. Aiden: [nods] Activate their curse, send a message to anyone who's thinking about going against him. It's two birds, one... bloodbath. Marcel: Okay, so, we'll hit them while the kids are on the move. Elijah: Aiden, make certain you and Oliver escort the children. We'll handle the rest. Oliver: Wait, wait, wait, wait - Esther and her psycho son are already giving me the stink -eye. If these kids go missing on my watch, I'm as good as dead. Elijah: You wanted to help your people and make amends for the past. This is your chance. [SCENE_BREAK] [ DAVINA'S CABIN ] ( Kaleb/Kol has just put a sleeping Davina in her bed. When he's sure she's asleep, he closes her bedroom door and starts to sneak through her things in search of the white oak stake. He passes an ajar door and sees that dozens of candles are lit inside. He slowly opens the door and peers inside, and when he determines it to be empty, he walks inside and starts to look around. He opens and shuts several drawers before finally finding the stake. Just as he grabs it, Mikael appears and twists his arm behind him ) Mikael: What have we here? A liar and a thief? Kaleb/Kol: [groans] I'm just looking about! Mikael: [shouts] Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right here? Kaleb/Kol: The bracelet. The one she uses to control you. I'm a witch. I know the magic to turn it off. You'll be free to do whatever you want, provided you promise not to harm me. ( Mikael considers this for a moment before roughly letting him go. Kaleb/Kol winces in pain and rubs his hand ) Kaleb/Kol: I take it we have a deal? ( Mikael stares at him ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER ] ( The All Hallows Eve party is still raging on in the streets of the Quarter. Everyone is in costumes as Aiden, Oliver, and the other werewolf leaders walk the werewolf children toward St. Anne's Church. Aiden's brother, Nick, looks very nervous ) [Gia holds a drink in her hand and pretends to drunkenly run into one of the werewolf leaders, who stops to start a fight with her. Gia shoves him backward, where Marcel catches him and snaps his neck. Marcel meets Aiden's eye before he and Gia run away, allowing Aiden and Oliver to "chase" after them in the name of tracking them down] Aiden: [points to another leader] You take the kids. Split up and find them! ( After they leave, Oliver approaches the crowd of werewolf children ) Oliver: [as quietly as possible] Listen up, listen up. We gotta go, don't ask questions. Just move! [claps] Come on! ( Oliver leads the children through the Quarter. He stops short, not seeing any familiar faces, but is immediately relieved when he hears Hayley's voice ) Hayley: [whispers] Ollie, this way! ( Oliver and the kids follow her through an alley and into Rousseau's, where Josh is waiting for them. He opens a door hidden behind a cupboard in the kitchen ) Josh: [to the children] Go ahead. [to Oliver and Hayley] It's a passageway from the Prohibition days. It'll take us pretty much anywhere we want to go. ( Josh crouches down and enters the passage, as Hayley follows behind him. Oliver watches them as they close the door and looks nervous ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PARKING GARAGE / TUNNELS ] ( Oliver has just arrived in a parking garage, where Elijah is waiting for him ) Elijah: Where are they? Oliver: They should be right behind me. Any minute now. [Hayley leads the children through the tunnels, and puts a finger to her lips to remind them to stay quiet. Josh leads with a flashlight, and when they come up upon a metal gate, he breaks it down. Gia arrives and meets up with Josh] Josh: Hey, where's Marcel? Gia: Uh, he's getting the getaway car. Hayley: Hey! Big -mouth! Shut it! There are werewolves everywhere. [In the parking garage, Elijah and Oliver are waiting when they hear a noise] Oliver: Here we go. About time. ( Suddenly, they're surrounded by a large group of werewolves ) Werewolf 1: Don't bother trying to run. We've got you surrounded. Oliver: [laughs] What, you don't think that we would be dumb enough to bring 'em here, do you? Elijah: Yes, I so do apologize for any inconvenience. The little ones you seek are elsewhere. [smiles] Which, I suppose, leaves you here with me. Werewolf 1: You're the ones that don't seem to understand! We're not looking for the kids. The witch wants you. Elijah: [takes off his jacket] Listen to me very carefully - I told a good friend that I'd do my very best to spare the lives of her people. You leave right now? I will honor that. [smiles] Stay, and the situation becomes irrefutably awkward. ( The werewolf's lip twitches as he braces himself for a fight. The rest of the wolves do the same. Elijah turns to Oliver ) Elijah: [rolls eyes] Very well. [to Oliver] You should probably leave. [he throws his jacket aside] Oliver: [sighs] Either I'm in, or I'm out, right? ( Elijah nods, and he and Oliver stand back to back ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ GAS STATION ] ( Josh has just led the werewolf children to Marcel, who is waiting with the ambulance they're using as a getaway vehicle ) Marcel: [gestures to the children] Let's go! Move! ( The children pile into the back of the ambulance, as Marcel helps them up. Nick is about to get in when Aiden arrives ) Aiden: Nick! Nick: [smiles] Aiden! You made it! ( The two hug ) Aiden: Of course I did! I told you I'd be here, didn't I? [he pats Nick on the head and gestures for the ambulance] Go. ( Marcel and Hayley close up the ambulance. Aiden and Josh give each other a look before Aiden walks over to Marcel ) Aiden: Thank you. [looks at Hayley] Both of you. Hayley: We're both fighting for the same thing, you know. Just trying to save the ones that we love. ( Aiden smiles at her. Marcel claps Aiden kindly on the shoulder before going to get in the driver's seat of the ambulance as Hayley joins him. Aiden takes one last look at Nick through the back window before they leave ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PARKING GARAGE ] ( Oliver and Elijah have just finished taking out all of the werewolves. They're both covered in blood, and Oliver has ripped one of the werewolves' arms off ) Oliver: [pants] Well, I guess this is all they got. Elijah: [looks around] So it would seem. ( Suddenly, Elijah screams out in pain as his muscles seize up. Oliver looks around in alarm and sees that Vincent/Finn has arrived and is casting a pain infliction spell on Elijah ) Finn: Actually, I am just getting started. [He balls his hand into a fist and Elijah falls to his knees in agony. When Oliver lunges for him, Finn uses telekinesis to throw him backwards against a car. He falls to the floor, unconscious. Elijah takes advantage of Finn's distraction and vamp -speeds toward him and grabs him in a choke -hold against a car] Elijah: Perhaps your next body will last longer than this one, brother. ( Elijah is about to snap his neck when suddenly, a regular wooden stake impales him from behind. Elijah gasps and moans in pain. Behind him, Lenore/Esther is standing, having telekinetically staked him. She holds out her hand and twists it, which twists the stake until Elijah falls neutralized to the ground. Oliver has just awoken and is watching in horror ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ DAVINA'S CABIN ] ( Kaleb/Kol is leaning over Davina's sleeping form, about to de -spell her bracelet for Mikael, when she suddenly wakes up and sees him ) Kaleb/Kol: [quickly grabs her phone from the bed to cover for himself] Your phone is chock full of texts. Who's Cami? ( Davina looks at her phone and sees multiple texts from Cami. They read: "I really need you to answer me!" "HE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE!" ) Davina: [scared] Come with me now. ( She takes Kaleb/Kol's hand and leads him out of the room ) ( Outside, Klaus has just arrived at the cabin. He walks up onto the porch and looks through the windows. Because Davina and Kaleb/Kol are doing a spell inside, he can't see anything ) Davina & Kaleb/Kol: [unintelligble chanting] ( Klaus walks across the porch and looks into another window. Although Klaus can't see anything, Mikael is standing inside, watching him and gripping the white oak stake in his hand. When Klaus goes to look around in the yard, he sees a staff with the crest of his family's clan carved on it and grabs it before angrily throwing it through the window like a javelin. When Davina and Kaleb/Kol duck, Davina's head hits the edge of a trunk and she's knocked unconscious ) Klaus: [shouts] Enough games, Davina! Send out my father! Let's finish this. ( Kaleb/Kol is checking on Davina when Mikael grabs him in a choke -hold ) Mikael: Release me! Or I will kill you right now! ( Mikael drops Kaleb/Kol onto the floor ) Klaus: [outside] DAVINA! Is this not why you brought him for? I'm not afraid! ( Kaleb/Kol grabs Davina's wrist and touches the bracelet ) Kaleb/Kol: **En conclues secreté un diande un tri en les dose mofede, en conclues secreté un diande un tri en les dose mofede - ( Davina's bracelet starts to glow, and Mikael closes his eyes, feeling the power of the curse lifting ) ( Klaus is waiting outside when he hears the sound of the door creaking open. Mikael walks out onto the porch and smirks ) Mikael: Hello, boy. [Klaus tries to remain strong, but looks scared] You seem rather impatient. Are you so eager to meet your end? Klaus: [approaches him] I'm only eager to stand over your burning corpse again. Only this time, I intend to enjoy it more. Mikael: [walks down the stairs] I've traveled all the way back from hell for this moment. Klaus: [smiles] Well, then, I'd hate to keep you waiting! [He lunges for Mikael, and the two begin fighting. Though they both manage most of each others' blows, Mikael clearly has the upper hand. He eventually kicks Klaus down onto the ground, and then kicks him again so that he's laying flat on his back. He grabs Klaus in a choke -hold and is about to stake him when Klaus kicks him backward, allowing him to rise to his feet. He stomps on Mikael's hand before he can grab the stake, which is laying on the ground between them, and the two begin to fight again] ( Mikael once again knocks Klaus flat on the ground, and holds him in a choke -hold as he tries to stake him, while Klaus desperately tries to keep the stake from piercing his skin. Eventually, Mikael manages to stab him in the shoulder. Klaus screams in pain and grabs Papa Tunde's blade from his jacket before stabbing Mikael in the chest with it. Mikael screams out in pain and falls to the ground as the knife begins to embed itself in Mikael's chest. Klaus pulls the stake out of his shoulder and rises to his feet ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ DAVINA'S CABIN ] ( Klaus, still with the stake in hand, stares at Mikael's body lying still on the ground, incapacitated by the pain inflicted by the cursed blade. Suddenly, Cami runs toward him as fast as she can, panting and trying to catch her breath ) Cami: [frantic] Where is she? If something happened to her, Klaus, I swear to God - Klaus: Davina's fine. She'll wake with a spectacular headache, but given her intentions for me, she should count herself lucky. [Cami sighs in relief, and Klaus smiles] 'Course, if you drop dead of a heart attack, I may have to kill her on general principle. Cami: [still breathless] You're the one that ditched me at the bar! I had to hitch -hike and then run on the backroads of the Bayou! Klaus: Well, your perseverance is duly noted. Cami: [annoyed] Oh, shut up! I'm so mad at you, I can hardly speak. But, I am here, and it is to tell you - not to bargain with you, and not to shame you, but to tell you - under no circumstances will you hurt that girl, do you understand me? Klaus: [opens his mouth to say something, but reconsiders] You have my word. ( Cami, relieved, rushes to Klaus and gives him a hug. Klaus looks surprised. When they break apart, Cami sees Mikael laying on the floor ) Cami: Is that Mikael? Is he...? Klaus: He's still alive, in complete and utter agony. I decided to take your advice, keep him that way. ( Cami looks confused and horrified ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ BYWATER TAVERN ] ( Josh is sitting at the bar, looking at his dating app messages from someone named MordorInTheFirst. The message reads, "Tonight, 10PM, Bywater Tavern" Josh sighs nervously and drinks his beer. After a moment, Aiden enters the bar and sits down next to him ) Josh: [surprised] I didn't think you were gonna show. Aiden: [shrugs awkwardly] I didn't think you were a vampire. Josh: Ditto, on the whole leader -of -a -werewolf army -thing... [awkward silence] P.S? [holds up his phone] These pictures don't really do you justice. You're way hotter in person. [smiles] You know, when you're not murdering people. Aiden: [uncomfortable] I shouldn't have come. Josh: Yeah... but you did. Why? Aiden: I guess I hoped seeing you might make me feel a little less... I don't know. Alone? Josh: [smiles and hesitates before speaking] Okay, look. Maybe for tonight, we could pretend things are different. I'm not a vampire, you're not a wolf, the city isn't about to implode...? [They both chuckle, and Aiden rolls his eyes playfully] We can just, I don't know... be ourselves? Aiden: [smiles and nods] I'd like that. ( Josh smiles back at him, and Aiden gestures to the bartender for a drink ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ MARCEL'S LOFT ] ( After their mission, Hayley, Marcel, and Gia have returned to Marcel's apartment, where he pours the girls drinks. Hayley accepts one and smiles ) Hayley: Well, we did it! I never thought I'd see the day when "we" meant us. [laughs] Marcel: Well, you're a vampire now. First rule is never say never, 'cause never ain't that long. And, what we did today was the right thing. But, you know it's gonna make things worse between your people and mine. Hayley: [to Gia, who is staring out the window] There's a life lesson for you, baby vamp. It always gets worse before it gets better. [Hayley grabs a second drink and walks over to sit next to Gia on the window seat. She hands Gia a drink, but Gia still looks worried] Gia: We left Elijah out there. Hayley: [sighs] Look, I worry about a lot of things where Elijah's concerned. But, trust me - he can take care of himself. [Hayley smiles at Gia, who smiles weakly back] [SCENE_BREAK] [ DAVINA'S CABIN ] ( Klaus loads Mikael's body into the trunk of his SUV. He closes the trunk door and sighs before walking around the vehicle to go home. Inside the trunk, Mikael regains consciousness and fights the pain from the dagger. He groans in agony as he reaches into his chest and finally pulls the blade out ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY ] ( Elijah awakens to find that he is in one of the crypts. He's suspended by his wrists, which are bound by chains, just as Lenore was bound in [i]Every Mother's Son. He looks around the room, taking note of the dozens of lit candles surrounding him, before he sees Lenore/Esther sitting nearby. She smiles at him )[/i] Elijah: [growls] What do you want? Esther: [stands and looks him in the eye] I only want us to be a family again, Elijah. [she holds his chin in her hand] But - I'm so sorry - in order for that to happen, you must be purified. ( She turns and walks away, leaving him bound in the crypt )

Plan: A: Davina; Q: Who hides with Mikael in her family cabin? A: Hayley; Q: Who gets a tip that Vincent/Finn is recruiting teenagers? A: young, unsuspecting teenagers; Q: Who is Vincent/Finn recruiting? A: Elijah; Q: Who is kidnapped by Esther? A: Cami; Q: Who inadvertently lets Klaus know where Davina is hiding? A: Davina's whereabouts; Q: What does Cami let Klaus in on? A: his mother's urging; Q: Who urged Kaleb/Kol to seek out Davina? A: Kaleb/Kol; Q: Who seeks out Davina? A: the missing White Oak Stake; Q: What is Kaleb/Kol looking for? A: a dangerous encounter; Q: What does Kaleb/Kol have at the cabin? A: his vampire identity; Q: What does Josh struggle with? A: an unexpected ally; Q: Who does Josh open up to? Summary: Knowing that it's only a matter of time before Klaus comes after them, Davina hides with Mikael in her family cabin in the woods. When Hayley gets a tip that Vincent/Finn is recruiting young, unsuspecting teenagers in order to build a werewolf army, she enlists the help of Elijah, Marcel and Gia to rescue the group. After Cami inadvertently lets Klaus in on Davina's whereabouts, she tags along in an attempt to truly understand the deeply rooted hatred he has for his parents. At his mother's urging, Kaleb/Kol seeks out Davina in order to locate the missing White Oak Stake and is caught off guard when he has a dangerous encounter at the cabin. Josh, who continues to struggle with his vampire identity, opens up to an unexpected ally. Lastly, Elijah is caught and kidnapped by Esther.

(London subway) ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ I feel love, I feel love ♪ ♪ I feel love, I feel love ♪ ♪ I feel love ♪ ♪ I feel love, I feel love, I feel love ♪ Danny (on phone): Hey, guys. Erm, I was just... wanted to see if you were still up. But... Alex: Are you OK? Danny: Me? I'm fine. You don't know me, but if you did, you'd know I'm always fine. What about your drink? Alex: You can keep it. (Theme music and title scene) Female automated voice: Destination reached. Scanning successful. I'll shave his hand? I'll shake his hand. Shake his hand! Shake his hand. Danny: Hello! Hi. I'll sha-... I'll sha-... Sara: No... No... No... No... No... Oh, no. Danny: I'm gonna stay in tonight. Sara: You don't feel so good? Danny: I'm fine. (Alarm beeping) Danny: I wanted to say thank you. Which I didn't get to say... last time. I've just had a... a hunch. Sometimes you have to take a chance, right? Otherwise, how do you know? Heh-heh. Obviously I got this wrong. Oh sorry. Heh-heh. My name's Danny. Alex: My name is Joe. Danny: So Joe, are you... Are... Heh-heh. I've run out of questions. Erm... Alex: Ask me. Please. Danny: Are you out? Alex: No. If you want to go, I can understand that reaction. Danny: I don't want to go. Alex: I work for an investment bank. It's their appartment. Security is a concern. There's a terrace... If you want to smoke, I mean. I'm going to take a shower. Danny: I'll let you get dressed. Alex: I can pay. Danny: No, it's fine, I'm... I must be easy to read. Alex: You are. Danny: Is that bad? Alex: Makes a change. The people I work with... are inscrutable. Danny: I can be inscrutable. Alex: Did you look through my clothes? (Danny laughs) Alex: See you. Scottie: Has he rung? Danny: He will. Scottie: A week? Danny: I've never been more certain of anything in my life. Scottie: Why? Danny: Because... that can't be it. There's more. There has to be. Scottie: You love falling in love. The moment when it's all possibilities and dreams. Danny: You think he's out of my league? Scottie: The thought never crossed my mind. Danny: Where are we going to drink tonight? Scottie: Somewhere dimly lit and terribly old-fashioned. Danny: So we're on the doorstep, saying goodbye and I'm trying to give him Pavel's nymber, because I don't have a phone... except he doesn't write it down! And I'm like... "If you don't want to... If you don't want see me again..." And then he says, "numbers Danny, I have no problem with," like he could remeber every phone number in the world... and then... we shook hands! If you'd have told me a week ago I'd be this happy with a handshake at the end of a date... I'm sorry, I will stop talking about him now. Scottie: It's alright. I understand. Danny: It's just the feeling, you know? Not being able to think about anyone else. Scottie: Yeah, (chuckles) I know the feeling. Danny: Yeah, of course. (knock at door) Alex: Otherwise, how do you know? Danny: So at some point you're going to talk about yourself, right? Not your work, I understand. That's, eh, secret but, erm, the other stuff? Alex: Why? Danny: (laughs) Isn't that what you do when you meet someone? I tell you stuff. You tell me stuff. Alex: This is us. Danny: So grown-up. You drink tea out of a thermos, and you go for... country walks. I must seem young... compared to the people you work with. Alex: You do. Danny: You're not joking, are you? Alex: I started university when I was 15. Danny: So you never... messed around? Alex: In what sense? Danny: Any sense. Alex: I've been serious for a very long time. Danny: What made you change your mind? About me? Alex: I wondered what it would be like to do these walks with someone. Danny: I was worried that you were going to say it was cos I made you laugh. Alex: I don't think you've ever made me laugh. It's not that you won't... Danny: I understand. Alex: I'm sure you will... Danny: I understand. So you turn up, on my doorstep... Which is wonderful! .. Except I never told you where I live... and I was wondering - and I should say in advance that I don't mind - but... Did you carry out some kind of background check on me? Alex: The way we met was unusual. Danny: Right. So... You thought... Stranger! Seduction! Not that, erm, I'm presuming you were seduced by me. That's, erm... process ongoing... Erm, what was I saying? Erm, yeah, so you thought, our meeting was part of... A set-up? It's fine. It's fun. I just... I thought you said I was easy to read? Alex: That would have been the reason you were selected... The appearance of innocence. Danny: I'm not innocent. Alex: You might be the only innocent person I know. Danny: Can you tell me what your real name is now? Alex: (nods) My name is Alex. Danny: I'd like you to come up... if you want, obviously. And if you don't want, that's cool. I didn't mean to say cool! You want to? But... Alex: It's a little fast. Danny: Well, maybe next time. You've gotta stop shakin' my hand. Alex: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Danny: Ok. Danny: f*ck! Danny: It's normally tidier than this... It's never tidier than this. Alex: Had you guessed? Danny: Mmmm. I'd guessed you hadn't slept with guys before. I thought maybe you'd slept with a couple of women. Can I ask you a question? Alex: Mmmm. Danny: What's stopped you? You don't have to answer. Alex: How do you admit to someone you've never been in a relationship? Who wants to hear? And when they do, who wants to stay? Danny: I do. Alex: At school I was old. At university I was young. I've always been... like a step to people around me. In the end, I left it so late... I gave up. I told myself I was all about the mind. And people find me odd. It grated on me. I could see it in their eyes. Rather than change, I started playing the role, more and more. I didn't need anyone. That's what I told myself: "I didn't want anyone." Danny: Did you imagine you'd spend the rest of your life alone? Alex: Yes. Danny: I can't begin to understand what that must feel like. Alex: You always knew you would find someone? Danny: Always. Alex: I can't imagine... ??? I'd like to try again. Danny: We don't have to. Alex: You don't want...? Danny: We can wait. Alex: I've waited long enough. Alex: Drugs? Danny: I've been using them to make me believe the s*x was special. That the person I was with was special. But... I'd like to know what it feels like for real. Because I bet it's the best feeling in the world. Alex: Will you stop worrying about me? Danny: Will you stop worrying about ME? [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: You saw me. What I mean is, you saw ME. And you asked if I was OK. And not like most people ask it. Like they've... asked it a hundred times already, you asked it as if... Nothing else mattered to you. And I thought, how is it that this person, who I've never seen before... How are they the only person in the whole world that knows... That I'm not OK. And I was sure if I could just find out your name - I could just find out who you were - then everything would be OK. Alex: What if everything isn't OK. Danny: Then we tell each other. And we deal with it. Whatever it is, we... deal with it. Together! Alex: (laughs) Danny: Is there something you want to tell me? Alex: No. (Takeda Lullaby, Japanese folk song.) Danny: You excited that you two are gonna meet? I should've organized it sooner. Scottie: A month or two, I could understand. I'm not so old I can't remember what it's like to be smitten. But eight months ??? declare ??? while failing to introduce us feels wilful. Danny: Sorry. (song ends) Danny: Scottie, this is Alex. Scottie: Alex, tell me... What did you make of her? Too much? That doesn't surprise me. Danny's always preferred his men to be as straight as possible - a tedious form of self-loathing - that I've unsuccessfully tried to wean him off. Danny: Scotty, I was telling Alex-- Scottie: I hope you told him this is where we first met? You must be wondering how an old queer like me ended up friends with a handsome young man like him? 19 years old, he walked through that door. As lost as a person could be. I saw him, in his tatty jeans, with his cropped hair, and his puppy dog eyes. I could guess his sad story, without hearing a word! I presumed, if I bought him a drink, there wouldn't be a single second, when he wasn't hoping for someone better to come along. What can I say? I'm a soft touch. So I bought him that drink... And to my surprise, he talked to me for the whole night. He didn't leave, even when others stalked him. A small gesture, but it meant a great deal, and we have been friends ever since. I'm the one he comes to when times are tough. And they often are. Poor Danny has a terrible track record for picking the wrong man. He's an insufferable romantic! One of the last. Does it fall to me to say... Don't break his heart? Alex: I could never hurt Danny. Scottie: May I ask - as someone who has been witness to the breaking of many a heart - how you can be so sure? Alex: Because he is the only friend I have. Scottie: I'm pleased for you. I'm pleased for both of you. Danny: Had you two met before? Alex: No. Danny: You know Scotty asked if you knew how I became his friend? Alex: You don't need to tell me. I love you. Danny: And I need you to know. I was 19. Like he said. It was a bad time. I left home. I was doin' a lot of drugs. And one night... I was wired. Not happy. Not high. I was numb. And I posted an ad online... saying that anyone could come round. I mean anyone. My only condition was that they didn't speak. And people showed up. I didn't turn them away. I didn't ask anything of them. And they must have thought their luck was in, cos... They didn't make a sound. And the next day, I couldn't stop cryin'. And I went to see Scottie. I didn't... know him very well, I'd only met him a couple of times, but he was the only person I could trust. And he took me straight to the hospital... And I was put on a course of PEP, which is emergency medication. I was on the drugs for 28 days and Scotty looked after me. And 16 weeks later I had an HIV test... and I was clear! (cries) We were friends... (cries) I've never done anything like that again. I swear I was out of my mind. I'm always safe. Always! I don't know what happened to me that night. I look back; I don't recognize that person. And I've never cheated on you. I don't want to have any secrets from you. I never want to have any secrets ever again. Danny: Let's go away for the weekend. Alex: Sure. I have to buy a battery for my laptop. I can't go without replacing it. Danny: I understand. Danny: Has Alex called for me? Has Alex called?! Scottie: How long? Danny: (sighs) 11 days. Scottie: What happened? Danny: I told him-- Scottie: That you loved him? Danny: .. how you and I became friends. Scottie: That was a mistake! Danny: Why didn't I shut my mouth?! Scottie: Because you needed to know. Because you still love me. Danny: I f*cked it up. I... I'd f*cked it up before I'd even met him. Scottie: Have you tried everything? There is only one thing left to do: accept that it is over. Danny: I can't. Scottie: What other choice do you have? You'll get over it. Not quickly. Not completely. There's enough to carry on, trust me on that! But now, I am afraid, you'll have to excuse me. I have work to do. Danny: You want me to leave? Scottie: I'd never ask you to leave! Rest here. Sleep. Eat. But today, I can't play assistant to your personal life. Just out of curiosity... Did you ever wonder what I might want? Danny: What YOU want? What do you want? Do you want this? Is this what you want?! What do I owe you? Five nights? Ten nights? Tell me! Scotty, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You should call the police? Nothing was taken. We couldn't even give our stuff away. (beeping) Automated voice: System rebooting. Item for Danny Holt. (beeping) (steady tone) Automated voice: Destination reached. (Danny opens a box) Danny: Alex? (closes door) Alex. Alex? (Danny climbs into attic) (Danny opens a trunk stood on its side and discovers a body) Danny (on phone): Police, please. (sirens) Policeman (on intercom): Police. Can you open up please? (banging on the door) Open this door! Step aside, sir. Danny: His name's Alex. He's my partner. It's his apartment. He disappeared two weeks ago. Do you think it might not be him? Tell me what you know about... Alex. Danny: He's a genius. He went to university at the age of 15. He's got no family. His parents are dead. Em... He works for an investment bank. What else do you need to know? Do you know... this man? Danny: That's... This is Alex. Your partner? Danny: Yeah. What kind of relationship did you have with him? Did it involve sadism? Drugs? Danny: No. You see? It's hard for me to believe you were in a serious relationship... when you don't even know his name. This man is called Alistair. His parents are alive. He did not work for a bank. Is it possible... you enjoyed extreme sexual encounters with someone who didn't want you to know their name? Is it possible? Scottie: This will stop. Right now. Danny: He lied. About everything. Scottie: When you introduced us... Danny: You knew? Scottie: Not exactly. Our paths had never crossed. But... I recognize the type. I see them in the corridors of Whitehall. People with power, secrets. Their importnce emanates from them. I felt it. He worked for MI6. He was a spy. Scottie: Er, Danny? The police were concerned you might've taken something from the crime scene. A personal item? Something of sentimental value? You wouldn't have done that, would you? Danny: Course not. Scottie: No. Course not.

Plan: A: Warehouse worker Danny; Q: Who is recovering from a drug-induced haze? A: Alex; Q: What is the name of the person Danny meets jogging? A: lovers; Q: What do Danny and Alex become? A: Scottie; Q: Who is Danny's older friend? A: his past; Q: What does Danny confess to Alex? A: Alex's apartment; Q: Where does Danny find Alex's dead body? A: sado-masochism; Q: What was the room dedicated to? A: the police; Q: Who does Danny call after finding Alex's body? A: a code-locked cylinder; Q: What did Danny swallow? A: an orphan; Q: What was Alex/Alistair's background? A: a solicitor; Q: What does Scottie supply Danny with? A: MI6; Q: What organization did Alex work for? Summary: Warehouse worker Danny is recovering from a drug-induced haze when he encounters Alex jogging. They connect with one another, and become lovers. Danny introduces Alex to his older friend Scottie, and confesses to Alex about his past. Soon afterwards Alex disappears, and then Danny's flat is ransacked. Danny is mysteriously given the key to Alex's apartment, where he discovers Alex's dead body in a room dedicated to sado-masochism . He telephones the police, but remembering Alex's last words to him, he swallows a code-locked cylinder he finds in the battery compartment of Alex's laptop. The police tell Danny that Alex had lied to him: his name was actually Alistair and he wasn't an orphan. Scottie collects Danny from the police after supplying him with a solicitor, and tells him that Alex/Alistair was working for MI6. Before he leaves, Scottie tells him that the police were wondering if he had taken anything from Alex/Alistair's apartment. Danny lies and later passes the object he had swallowed.

THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE GALAXY PART THREE Run time: 24:30 [SCENE_BREAK] Stone chamber [SCENE_BREAK] Mags: It's weird. I don't understand. The Doctor: Oh, nasty little booby trap, that. That is, if it is a booby trap. Still, there's certainly no way forward. Mags: Is it a well? The Doctor: One way to find out. The Doctor: That eye, I've seen it before. Of course, it was on the kites at the entrance hall. Fascinating. Somehow, somewhere down there is the answer to all that's going on at the Psychic Circus. Captain: Ahem. Awfully sorry to butt in like this, old boy, but I'm afraid you're wanted. You're the next one due on in the ring. Mags: Why did you bring them here? Captain: Survival of the fittest, old girl. Don't tell me you never came across that on the planet Vulpana? The Doctor: But we were on the edge of discovering the secret of the Psychic Circus. Doesn't that interest you at all? Captain: Frankly, no, old chap. Anyway, what's going on seems pretty clear to me. Anybody dumb enough to get into the ring gets killed. [SCENE_BREAK] Workshop [SCENE_BREAK] Ace: Just because I said I don't like them, doesn't mean I'm scared of clowns, okay? Got that, tinhead? I said, got that, tinhead? Bellboy: Oh, I'm sorry. That shouldn't have happened. I must have fallen asleep. Ace: We've met before. Don't you remember me? [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the stone chamber [SCENE_BREAK] Captain: Mags, now please. Not now. Not yet! [SCENE_BREAK] Big Top [SCENE_BREAK] Mom: I don't think much of this, Father. Dad: Nothing's happening, is it. Mom: Not that I can see. Girl: Mum, Mum! Mom: What is it? Girl: I'm bored. Dad: There's no point in going on, dear. We're all bored. Something has to happen soon. [SCENE_BREAK] Backstage [SCENE_BREAK] Captain: After all I've done for you, the Doctor gets away and you and I are going back to the guardroom. Mags: You were lucky. Captain: Yes, I suppose you're right. I'm still in one piece. You would have given us the full works. Still, the old team of Mags and the Captain stuck together as usual. As a matter of fact, it reminded me of that time of Fagiros, when the Architrave of Batgeld was showing me his early collection of Ganglion pottery... [SCENE_BREAK] Ticket office [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Of course, of course. The Doctor: Things are beginning to get out of control quicker than I expected. Deadbeat: No, no. The Doctor: Fun for all the family? I don't know how they've got the nerve. [SCENE_BREAK] Workshop [SCENE_BREAK] Bellboy: Oh, my Flowerchild. They murdered you with a robot I made. Ace: You're sure that's what happened? Bellboy: There can be no doubt. Every robot, every clown in the circus I made and maintained, for this. And even now they won't let me die. They need me. Ace: You mean you're the only one who knows how? Bellboy: Each of us, each of us in the circus, we all had one circus skill we learned, and mine was this. Ace: This control unit's brill. Bellboy: Have it. Ace: Really? Bellboy: Yes. It controls that, and the full scale version I made. Bellboy: Careful. That activates the laser eyes. It was to have been my masterpiece, but like everything else it was, it was abused and went wrong. We had such high ideals when we started. We shared everything and we enjoyed making people happy. If we had a problem we'd all just sit round and talk it through. Oh, we were so happy. At least, I think we were. [SCENE_BREAK] Backstage [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Hello, Deadbeat. Fancy meeting you here. Small world, isn't it. It frightened you to see that eye, didn't it. It means the powers behind it are on the move again. Something happened to you here. You haven't always been like this. Did you try and find something out? Were you punished? Can you understand anything I'm saying? Well, there's one thing I do know, Deadbeat. You're not going to give me away to the others. Are you? Deadbeat: I wouldn't. I wouldn't. The Doctor: Lead on, Deadbeat. [SCENE_BREAK] Big Top [SCENE_BREAK] Dad: You know, I could get quite cross about this. [SCENE_BREAK] Cage [SCENE_BREAK] Whizzkid: Oh wow, is that Captain Cook, the famous intergalactic explorer and... Clown: Quiet. Where's the Doctor? Captain: He gave us the slip. Clown: He did what? Captain: He gave us the slip. A similar thing happened to me in the Bay of Paranoia on Golobus. Clown: I don't care what happened on Golobus. Captain: Your loss, old boy. Anyway, it was all her fault. Mags: Hang on a minute. Captain: I imagine you'll have to put her into the ring next as some sort of punishment. Clown: No. Captain: Oh, found someone else, have you? Clown: Yes. Captain: Really. May I enquire who? Clown: You. Whizzkid: Excuse me, but you are Captain Cook the famous intergalactic explorer. I've got maps at home showing all your journeys and a piece of one of your old shoes I bought in a souvenir shop... Captain: Will you leave me alone! [SCENE_BREAK] Ticket office [SCENE_BREAK] Ringmaster: Hey, hey, Morgana, Morgana. Hey, baby, you were long gone. Morgana: Look. It's here, now. Ringmaster: What do you mean? Morgana: What we found. What we serve. It'll always be here now, waiting for us to... Ringmaster: Don't come with all that now. Morgana: Don't pretend you don't see it! Ringmaster: Look, I've got an empty circus tent in there right now. I don't want to talk about anything else. Morgana: Well, send in another act. Ringmaster: I will, baby, just as soon as I can. Clown: The Doctor's escaped. Your idiot of a Captain failed us. Ringmaster: All right, send him in the ring. Clown: It's arranged already, but I'm more worried about the Doctor. He's dangerous. Ringmaster: Well, let's go find him, then. Clown: I'll go find him. You get back in the ring. Ringmaster: Hey, just a minute, man... Morgana: Quiet, both of you! Look, it's showing him to us. Ringmaster: But he's with Deadbeat. Clown: Then he must be stopped at once. [SCENE_BREAK] Workshop [SCENE_BREAK] Bellboy: Oh, the kites she made, beautiful kites, every colour of the rainbow. All different shapes and sizes. And they use them to watch us and trap us and keep us here. So they destroyed her work and then they destroyed her. Ace: It'll be all right, Bellboy. I'll get you out of here. Bellboy: Why should I want to get out of here? It's gone. The fun, freedom of being what you want to be, all of it. Don't you understand? Ace: Yes. Look, I'm sorry. We can't stay here forever, can we. I've got to find the Doctor for a start. Bellboy: They took everything that was bright and good about what we had, and buried it where it will never be found again. Ace: I don't understand. Who's they? Bellboy: The ones who run the circus. The ones you've met. There wasn't just them, there was some. There was. Bellboy: Flowerchild and, and Peacepipe, and Juniperberry, and, and Deadbeat. No, he wasn't Deadbeat then, he was er, he was, he was. It's gone. Ace: They're coming to take me to the ring, Bellboy. They may need you to repair the robots, but I'm just trouble. Making a bit of a mess of opening the door, aren't they? It can't be that difficult. Bellboy: Oh, maybe, maybe it is the end after all. Ace: Doctor! The Doctor: Deadbeat, I take it all back. You're absolutely right. Clowns can be creepy. Deadbeat: Sift the dreams in your mind. Bellboy: King. Deadbeat: You'll be amazed... Bellboy: Kingpin! That was your name. Kingpin. [SCENE_BREAK] Cage [SCENE_BREAK] Captain: So you've always been interested in the Psychic Circus, have you? Sit down. Whizzkid: Oh yes, of course. Captain: Ah. Whizzkid: I've never been able to visit it before now, but I've got all sorts of souvenirs. Copies of all the advertising satellites that have ever been sent out. All the posters. I had a long correspondence with one of the founder members too, soon after it started. Although I never got to see the early days, I know it's not as good as it used to be but I'm still terribly interested. Ringmaster: Two minutes, Captain. Captain: Thank you, Ringmaster. No doubt you dream of having the ultimate Psychic Circus experience as soon as possible. Whizzkid: Sorry? Captain: You ache for the moment when you can do your own act within that sawdust covered magic circle. Whizzkid: Oh, yes, of course. I mean, there's no real danger, is there, really. Captain: Only for those without resource or imagination or panache. I'm sure you have all those qualities. Whizzkid: Well, I really don't know. Captain: Come, come, dear boy, don't be so absurdly modest. Mags: Don't listen to him. Whizzkid: But this is one of my heroes, Captain Cook, the intergalactic space explorer. Captain: Exactly. And shall I tell you what I'm prepared to do for you as a special favour? Whizzkid: What? Captain: Postpone my brief moment of glory in the ring so that you may enjoy the unforgettable experience before me, far beyond the bouncing Upas trees of Boromeo or the singing squids of Anagonia. Whizzkid: Are you sure you can bear to let me go in first? Captain: It is a sacrifice I am prepared to make. [SCENE_BREAK] Workshop [SCENE_BREAK] Deadbeat: The dreams. Sift the dreams. When the mind's divided the body screams. Bellboy: Yes, some of it's coming back now. Not all of it. He was Kingpin. He was the one who persuaded us to come here. There was something he wanted, something he knew about. And we all trusted him, and... The Doctor: Something went wrong? Bellboy: Yes. Something went very wrong. It's this place, you see. It does things to you. The Doctor: And a friendly hippy circus was turned into a trap for killing people. Bellboy: Yes. Even our own kind. That was after Kingpin was no longer Kingpin. Something went. Something went with him and... The Doctor: And the well? Bellboy: What well? The Doctor: You don't know anything about a well with an eye peering out from inside? Bellboy: No. Ace: An eye, like the one of Flowerchild's, like the ones on the kites. Bellboy: No, not any more. Deadbeat: Don't look in the well. The eye gives you promises of heaven or hell. Ace: He's off, he's gone. I knew people like him in Perivale. The Doctor: Listen, Ace. Ace: What to? The Doctor: The answers. You know what happened, don't you, Deadbeat? [SCENE_BREAK] Big Top [SCENE_BREAK] Mom: At last. Ringmaster: Now welcome, folks. I'm sure you'd like to know we've got a brand new act for your circus show. Now welcome please with all the warmth you can, the Psychic Circus' greatest fan! Whizzkid: This is the most exciting day of my life. My dream come true. I'm standing in the ring of the Psychic Circus. [SCENE_BREAK] Cage [SCENE_BREAK] Mags: You've sent that poor boy out to his death. Captain: Nonsense. He may be a great success. Captain: So it just goes to show you never can be certain. Captain: As I said, survival of the fittest. [SCENE_BREAK] Workshop [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Deadbeat, if we take you to the well, can you show us what it did? Ace: How do you know it's not all a con, Professor? The Doctor: Well, he brought me here to you and Bellboy. He must have done that for a purpose. Ace: Not if your brains are that scrambled. The Doctor: Ah, now there's something there, Ace. I saw it when he looked into the crystal ball. Ace: You're just an aging hippy, Professor. The Doctor: There might be something in that, yes. Anyway, we'd better be going. Bellboy? Bellboy: Er, no. Ace: Come on, Bellboy. Bellboy: No, I think the chief clown will be here after you and I could delay him for a while. I'd be pleased to make myself useful. Ace: But Bellboy? Bellboy: You still don't understand, do you. Everything I loved has gone. There's no point in living on to do work I hate. The Doctor: So be it, then, Bellboy. Come on, Deadbeat. Or should I call you Kingpin? We've got work to do. Ace: Bye now, Bellboy. All the best. Oh, and er, thanks for this. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the Workshop [SCENE_BREAK] Bellboy: Bye, Ace. Goodbye, Kingpin, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] Ticket office [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana: The acts will keep on coming now, we promise, and no one will ever go near the bus again. Those who remain are your servants to do with as you wish. No, I never wanted to resist your power. [SCENE_BREAK] Workshop [SCENE_BREAK] Clown: Where are they? Bellboy: I don't know. I don't care. It's all destroyed, you know that. Oh, you were a wonderful clown once. Funny, inventive. Clown: Quiet. Bellboy: I'm not helping you any more, you see. Clown: Take care, Bellboy. Bellboy: Come on. Come on. Deal with me as you dealt with Flowerchild. Clown: You're crazy. Bellboy: Come on. Come on! Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] Stone chamber [SCENE_BREAK] Deadbeat: No. I can't do it. Ace: Come on, Kingpin. Nearly there. Hold on, please. The Doctor: Now, Kingpin, show us what you did when you first saw the eye. Ace: Great stuff, Kingpin. The Doctor: He must have used that medallion to summon the powers that lurk here. Ace: And it did this to him. The Doctor: Yes. Ace: I wish I had some Nitro Nine to lob down there. Hang about. The mirror here, it's an eye. The Doctor: Yes, that eye seems to plague us everywhere, only with the eyeball removed by someone or something. Ace: And hidden. The Doctor: In the bus. Ace: Where Flowerchild died trying to get it. Deadbeat: Shall be free. We shall be free. We shall be free. We shall be free. [SCENE_BREAK] Cage [SCENE_BREAK] Captain: Calm down, Mags. There'll be some more contestants along soon. We're doing very well. Mags: That poor boy. Captain: Us or him, Mags. And before you get too high and mighty, remember where you'd be without me. Dead with a bullet in you on the planet Vulpana. A silver bullet. Mags: I know that, Captain, but you didn't do it for me, you did it for yourself. I only wish I knew what you were after. Captain: All in good time, Mags. All in good time. [SCENE_BREAK] Stone chamber [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: It's so tantalising. I'm so close to understanding it all and yet so far. Ace: So we'll have to get hold of that other bit of mirror. The Doctor: Exactly. Now, you take Kingpin back to the bus and find it, but be careful. Ace: Hang on a bit, Professor. This is all going a bit too fast for me. I'll fetch it, no problem, but what about you? The Doctor: I'm going back to the ring. Ace: Are you off your head? The Doctor: The Psychic Circus needs acts. If they've got me then perhaps they won't worry about you two for the moment. Ace: Sometimes I think it's you that's crazy, not Deadbeat here. The Doctor: Anybody remotely interesting is mad in someway or another. [SCENE_BREAK] Big Top [SCENE_BREAK] Dad: I don't know where they find these acts, do you, Mother? Mom: Never seem to get any better, do they, Father? [SCENE_BREAK] Backstage [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: I believe you've been looking for me. I'm wanted backstage. [SCENE_BREAK] Cage [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Greetings, Captain Cook. Mags. You will be pleased to hear that the greatest act in the galaxy has returned to the fold. Captain: Jolly good show, Doctor. Mags: But Doctor, I helped you to escape. The Doctor: I know, Mags, and I haven't wasted the time you bought me. And I have returned with an idea. I suggest that this time we all three work together. Mags: Meaning? The Doctor: Up to now all the people in the cage have been played off against each other, and of course some people are cleverer at preserving themselves than others. Captain: Luck of the draw, old boy. The Doctor: Not entirely. What I'm proposing is that we all three go into the ring. Three for one and one for three. That should throw a very big hammer into the works. Mags: I'm with you, Doctor. And so's he. Captain: Now just a moment, Mags. Mags: Aren't you, Captain. [SCENE_BREAK] Big Top [SCENE_BREAK] Ringmaster: Now welcome, folks, not one act but three, to the Greatest Show in the Galaxy, the Galaxy, the Galaxy. Captain: Sorry, everyone. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, but before we start I would like to make one small request from stage management. A special lighting effect. Mags: No. Captain: Could you perhaps give us that old devil moon effect. Mags: No! No! Captain: You really were extremely stupid this time, Doctor. I told you she was an unusual specimen. The growling, the snarling, reaction to the moon. Surely you should have guessed?

Plan: A: Ace and Bellboy team; Q: Who teams up to stop the Chief Clown? A: the ring; Q: What does the Doctor realize he is next into? A: The Captain; Q: Who shows Mags's true colors? A: Mags's true colours; Q: What does the Captain show? Summary: Ace and Bellboy team up to stop the Chief Clown while the Doctor realises that he is next into the ring. The Captain has another trick up his sleeve and shows Mags's true colours.

Act 1 Scene 1 - KACL [Fade in. Frasier is on the air.] Frasier: Which not only helps in the healing process, but also provides one with the confidence to go forward, in spite of the fear this kind of trauma can cause. Honestly, I can't say enough about these medicated bandage strips. But thank you for asking, Jordan. [He happily wiggles his finger, Roz looks bored to tears.] Frasier: Up next is the stock market report with Julia Wilcox. [He switches off and there is a knock at the door. Frasier waves the man in.] Frasier: Hello, Avery. Impeccable timing. Avery: Good to see you Frasier. [He reaches out and shakes Frasier's hand.] Frasier: Yes, hello. Oh, careful, careful. Paper cut. Avery: Yes, I caught the last half hour of your show. [Roz comes in.] Frasier: Ah. Oh, Roz, come meet an old friend of mine. Avery McManus, this is Roz Doyle, my producer. Avery: Lovely to meet you. Roz: Same here. Frasier: Avery and I used to live across the hall from each other back at Oxford, now he lives in Seattle. A very accomplished accountant who's going to take me on as a client. Roz: Well, my taxes could use some serious doing. Frasier: Roz, he's married. [ushering her back to her side] I tell you what: I'll be back in about an hour to go over this month's "Best of". Avery: Oh, I don't think an hour is going to be long enough, Frasier. Your finances are a mess. Your spending's out of control. Frasier: Well that's impossible. I'm very prudent. Avery: Then what about this nine thousand dollar caviar bill from last month? And what's with you and wine? I had to take on an associate just to go through your sherry receipts. And then... Frasier: Gosh, you know, I've completely forgotten myself. How is Amanda? I don't believe I've seen her since the wedding. Avery: Amanda's great. She made partner. [Julia walks in.] Julia: Okay, everybody, the "I'm a Pathetic Loser" show is over. Frasier: My listeners are not pathetic losers. Julia: I wasn't referring to your listeners. Avery: You're Julia Wilcox. Julia: Yes, I am. Avery: You wrote "Practical Applications of Econometrics". Julia: Yes, I did. Avery: I loved that book. Avery McManus. Julia: Oh, it's a pleasure to meet a fan, Avery. [She turns to Frasier.] Julia: A fan is someone who enjoys your work. Frasier: Yes, and do you know what they call someone who can't stand your work? Julia: In your case, the public. [She sits down for her show.] Frasier: She was supposed to say "What?" and I was going to say "Me." Oh, come on, let's get out of here. [He walks off in a huff. Avery smiles at Julia then heads out too. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Eddie is on the couch. Martin is on Daphne's massage table while she works him over.] Martin: Ow! How come you only rub where it hurts? Daphne: Your sons hired me to torture you so that's what I'm doing. Martin: Ow! Eddie, Daddy's in trouble. Sic her! [Eddie lifts his head to look at Martin, then lays back down.] Daphne: Okay, all done, old man. And I hope you got your griping out of your system, because I need you to be on your best behavior next time. [He gets to his feet.] Martin: Why? Daphne: Because, the agency won't assign me any more clients until an evaluator observes me at work. [He sits in his chair.] Martin: Oh, geez. I don't want to go on display like some trained seal. Daphne: Please? I'll give you some treats. Martin: Treats, huh? Okay. [She starts putting her things away as Frasier comes in the front door.] Martin: Hey, Fraizh. How was your trip to the accountant? Frasier: Fine, fine. Uh, why are all these lights on? All right, I'll be honest with you. Avery had some very stern warnings for me. The situation isn't dire, but it could become serious if I don't change my ways. Martin: Well, that doesn't sound too tough. Get balcony seats at the opera. Daphne: And stop throwing away your change. Frasier: Oh, that was one time! And if you'd seen that cashier's fingernails, you'd have done the same thing. All right, the point is I have to come up with a plan. A plan... Perhaps a ruminative latte will do me some good at Nervosa. Martin: What? You just had a whole new espresso machine shipped here from Italy! Frasier: Yes, well I'm waiting for the cups! [He dons his coat and heads for the door.] Frasier: Besides, Nervosa is more to me than just a place for coffee. It's my refuge, my sanctuary for contemplation. Oh! Oh, I've just had a cost-saving idea! Daphne, you're family now and yet I still pay you full price for Dad's therapy. [Daphne looks outraged.] Frasier: All right, I'll keep thinking. Off I go! [He leaves. Fade out.] Scene 3 - Café Nervosa [Fade in. Niles and Frasier are chatting at a table.] Niles: This happens every time you hire a new accountant. You let their fear get to you. But remember: it's Avery's job to worry about your finances, not yours. Frasier: Yes, of course it is, of course it is. He's the professional. Thanks so much, Niles, that's really quite helpful. I feel better now. Excuse me, change my shortbread order to tart tatin. One for my brother, please, a la mode. Niles: He's back. [They happily start to drink, only to be interrupted by a loud jangling chord from an electric guitar. A man is playing by the door.] Ben: You ready for some more music, Seattle? [Everyone applauds.] Ben: Great! [He starts strumming away again. Frasier rushes over and unplugs his amplifier. The crowd groans.] Frasier: I quite agree! I am sorry, young man. If we wanted to hear your music, we would attend one of your concerts. In the bus station. Ben: Well, people seem to like it. Here, they clap along, and it's been enough to keep me out of the three piece cage. Frasier: The what? Ben: The suit, man, the suit. [A woman walks up.] Maureen: Excuse me, is there a problem? Frasier: Well, yes, as a matter of fact there is. This man is making it impossible for me to converse with my brother. Maureen: I think he's great. Frasier: Ah. I understand. You two are friends. Perhaps you used to "gig" together in your salad days. But if you wish to alter the atmosphere of this cafe, I suggest you consult with the owner. Maureen: I am the owner. Frasier: Oh really. Well, I'm Frasier Crane, it's a pleasure. Maureen: Maureen Nervosa. Frasier: Really? Well, I happen to be one of your core customers, Ms. Nervosa. In of fact, I spend over three thousand dollars a year here, which I just found out today. Niles: Frasier, people are starting to stare. Let's just come back tomorrow afternoon when the cafe is quieter. Maureen: Actually, Ben will be playing afternoons from now on. Frasier: Really? Well you know, I, I would think about that. Although we do adore your establishment, if there is one thing we can find in Seattle it is another coffee shop. Ben: Yeah, but not many of them will let you change in the men's room. Frasier: Now, I don't relish the idea of asking you this, but I'm afraid you will have to choose. Either... Maureen: I choose Ben. Frasier: I see. Well, farewell, Nervosa. It's been a splendid decade, but I'm afraid your brew has become a bit too bold for my brother and me. Come, Niles, let's go. Niles: But, I don't want to go. Nervosa is my haven, my cocoon. Ben: This next one's called "The Wild Rover"! [The crowd applauds as Niles starts to follow Frasier.] Ben: I've been a wild rover, for many a year. And I spent all me money on whisky and beer. [Maureen taps Niles on the shoulder, then takes the cup and saucer back from him. He follows Frasier out. Cut to - the outside as they glance dejectedly in the window.] Ben: And now I'm returning with gold in great store, And I never will play the wild rover no more. And it's no, nay, never...no, nay, never no more... [The brothers walk off. Fade out.] Scene 4 - Another Coffee Shop THREE DAYS AND FIVE COFFEE SHOPS LATER... [Fade in. Frasier and Niles are at the counter.] Frasier: My name is Frasier, this is my brother Niles. We're thinking of making this our regular haunt. Steve: [deadpan] Way to go. Frasier: We'll have two espressos, please. I'm sorry, and your name is? Steve: Steve. Frasier: Stephen. Outstanding. Steve: Just Steve. Frasier: Steve. I look forward to years of this sort of lively banter. [He pays for the coffee and he and Niles go over to a table.] Niles: They found a way to bring the charm of an airport to a mid-town location. Frasier: Now, Niles, let's try to be positive, this may be out new home. [Niles dusts off his chair and they sit.] Frasier: Yes, this will do nicely. This will be our regular table. [pointing] And that will be our backup regular table. [Julia comes in.] Frasier: Oh, perhaps we should keep looking. [They rise.] Frasier: Hello, Julia. Julia: Hello, Frasier. Wow, who's this? Your stunt double? [Frasier pats Niles on the back.] Frasier: This is my brother Niles. Niles, I'd like you to meet my colleague, Julia Wilcox. Niles: How do you do? [They shake.] Julia: Wow, that's very good, Frasier, I didn't even see your lips move. I thought you always go to Nervosa. Frasier: Well, sadly, no more. They've hired a terribly annoying folk singer, whose hideous noise making has made it impossible for me to enjoy my one sanctuary. Julia: I didn't ask for your life story. [Steve brings their coffees over.] Frasier: Steve, I'm afraid we'll be taking these to go, thank you. Julia: Oh, glad to hear it. Goodbye, Frasier. Goodbye, Emergency Frasier. [She walks to the counter.] Niles: I don't like her. Frasier: I don't like her cafe anymore. Let's go. [Steve brings their coffees back in take out cups.] Frasier: Oh, thank you, Steve. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I'm afraid my brother and I will not be the everyday stalwarts I predicted we would be. Steve: Damn. Every time I open my heart... [Getting the hint, the boys just smile, nod, and leave. Julia heads to the back of the cafe. A man puts down his newspaper and rises. It is Avery. Frasier comes back in to get some sugar packets and turns just in time to see them embrace and kiss. He stares in shock, hides his face and hurries out. Fade out.] Act 2 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Martin is in his chair while Daphne sets up her massage table. Frasier is pacing.] Frasier: You know, Avery was always a bit of a playboy, but honestly I thought marriage would settle him down. I should just tell Julia that he's married. But then again, she's been so rude to me, why should I do something nice for her? But then again, can I just sit idly by and keep my mouth shut? Martin: I can answer that one. Daphne: Doesn't he wear a ring? Frasier: No, but I know he has one. I was at the wedding. Dad, you see I'm facing a perplexing dilemma, here. Some guidance would be welcome. [He sits down on the couch.] Martin: No it wouldn't. You always ask my opinion, and then completely ignore it. Well this time, while I've got the floor, I'm gonnna talk about what I want to talk about. NBA referees need to enforce the traveling rule. It's dribble-one step-shoot, not dribble-step-step-step-STEP- shoot! Thank you. Frasier: That was very helpful. I guess I'll just do what I always do: sort through this myself. [He gets up and puts on his jacket.] Frasier: All right, I'm off to Nervosa. No. I'm off to that...other place where young Steve works. No. That's Avery and Julia's place. Well, I hope you're both satisfied, now I don't know where the hell I'm going! [He grabs his keys and leaves. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Yet Another Coffee Shop [Fade in. Frasier is standing at the counter.] Frasier: I'm hashing over an ethical dilemma, so I think I could use some black coffee. Server: What size would you like? Frasier: Uh, I've got a lot to ponder, so I think a large. Server: I'm afraid we don't have large, sir. We have piccolo, macho, mucho and mucho macho. Frasier: I see. Uh, do you happen to know what size would correspond to a Nervosa grande? Server: No. But our mucho is about the same as the semi-colossal over at Don't Spill the Beans. Frasier: Ah, ah, all right. I know that their colossal is comparable to a Nervosa grande, so the semi-colossal would be three quarters of a colossal, so the mucho and the semi-colossal would be equivalent... so I should have the mucho macho. But only fill it five-eighths. Server: Yes sir. For fifty cents extra, we can pre-heat the vessel. Frasier: No. Can we just move this along, please? Server: I understand completely. Your zip-code, please? [Frasier looks at him questioningly.] Server: [whispering] You don't have to give your real zip if you don't want to. Frasier: [whispering too] Than what's the point? Server: It unlocks the cash register. Frasier: Put in whatever code you wish. [He hands over the cash.] Here we are. Now, I'd just like a cup of coffee and a quiet place to drink it. Server: Can do, sir. Okay, here's your change, you're number four, I'll bring it to your bean bag. [Frasier drops the extra one in the tips basket and turns, stone faced, to the bean bags seats spread around the shop. Steeling himself, he walks over to one and lowers himself, finally plopping against the wall. Fade out.] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. The evaluator is there to observe Daphne's work with Martin.] Evelyn: Now, you have a bullet lodged in your hip, correct? Martin: Do I? Oh, that's right, I do. Sometimes I forget, the way Daphne takes care of me. She's the best. Evelyn: All right. And how would you rate your level of comfort during therapy? Martin: Oh, I don't think you can come up with a number high enough, so I'll just say... thirty. [The Evelyn's cell phone rings and she gets it.] Evelyn: Sorry. Oh, it's my nanny. Well, not MY nanny. Wouldn't that be somethin'? Do you mind? Daphne: No, please, go ahead. [She points and the Evelyn walks back towards the coat balcony doors.] Evelyn: Hi. Daphne: What are you doing? Martin: What do you think? I'm makin' you look good. Daphne: Yeah, well stop it. My work speaks for itself. Martin: Oh, Daphne, I love you but sometimes you can be so naive. Sure you're good at the job, but you need a little salesmanship. That's why I'm here. Daphne: If you so much as... [She breaks off as the evaluator returns.] Evelyn: Sorry about that. Suzy got stuck in the laundry chute again. Daphne: Oh, poor thing. How old is she? Evelyn: What's the difference? After tomorrow, she's not our nanny anymore. All right, shall we begin, Martin? Martin: Are you kidding? This is my favorite part of the day. [He gets up and settles on the massage table.] Evelyn: Whenever you're ready, Daphne. Daphne: First I like to start with some simple range-of-motion exercises to warm up the muscles. Martin: Oh, am I on a cloud? 'Cause that's how it feels, like I'm on a cloud. Daphne: Then some strokes around the flexus smoothing out any knots. Evelyn: And do you feel any discomfort, Martin? Martin: Discomfort? Try disbelief. I don't know how she does it. Evelyn: You know, physical therapy shouldn't be a pleasure trip. It is challenging, healing work. You really need to be digging into the muscles there, Daphne. Daphne: Yeah, I... Evelyn: Let me show you. [She takes Daphne's place and starts in.] Martin: Ahhhh! That did it, all right. Evelyn: Oh, that's not so bad. I think you've just been pampered a little too long, huh? [She starts to press in with her elbow.] Martin: Ohhh! Evelyn: That is the sound of progress. Think you can work like this? Daphne: Watch me. [She laces her fingers and bends them back to crack the knuckles. Martin looks worried, then lets out a small, nervous noise. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - Café Nervosa [Fade in. Roz and Niles are sitting at a table together.] Roz: You can stop checking the door. Frasier swore he'd never come back here. Niles: Oh, I'm not worried about him. Yes, we do have a pact to boycott Nervosa, but I only came in her because I saw you sitting alone and I thought you needed company. [Ben has set up again.] Ben: Are you ready for some more music? [The patrons respond enthusiastically, Niles less so.] Niles: Oh, fudge. Time to go. Roz: Why don't you like Ben? He's really nice. He was selling his CDs outside, I got "Abbey Road" and the soundtrack from "Grease". Ben: I'm gonna need a little bit of help with this one. [pointing to Niles] What about you, sir, what about you? Roz: Yeah. Ben: Can you keep a steady beat for me? Niles: Sorry, no. Ben: What do you think, Nervosa? Is he the man for the job? [Everyone applauds, Roz pushes Niles forward as he protests.] Ben: He doesn't really think you mean it. [Everyone claps louder, Roz gives him a big shove.] Roz: Go! Niles: [to Ben] If I do this, will you take a break? Ben: Yeah, I love breaks, bloke. He says yes! [Ben hands Niles a small maraca and starts to play, Niles interrupts him.] Niles: Sorry, are you going to stick with that 4/4 tempo? Ben: Yeah, yeah. [Ben starts playing again, Niles interrupts again.] Niles: Would you call that sort of an andante feeling? Ben: Just shake it, okay?! [He starts once more. Niles covers his ear and starts shaking the sand.] Ben: Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down. Watch me wallaby feed, mate, watch me wallaby feed. It's a dangerous breed, mate, watch me wallaby feed. All together now... [Niles gets a little more into it, smiling as everyone claps and sings along.] Ben: Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down. Let's show 'em! [Ben plays strong and loud as Niles starts to stamp his feet and dance in rhythm. He becomes more and more flamboyant, snapping his fingers and shaking the maraca over is head as Frasier comes in.] Frasier: Niles! [Everyone stops and silence falls. Niles breaks for the door, shoving past Frasier.] Frasier: Don't you run, you coward! Ben: I'll be right back. Oh, by the way, ten dollars is still the best price for "Quadrifinia". [He rushes out as Frasier goes over to Roz's table.] Roz: Well, well, look who's here. I thought you were Nervosa non grata. Frasier: I had no place else to go. Server: Would you like your usual? Frasier: More than you could possibly know. [Ben has come back in and strums his guitar.] Ben: This is a song I wrote about doing the right thing. Frasier: Oh, lord, I'm gonna need that to go. Ben: I think we always know in our hearts what the right thing is, but we don't always have the courage to do it. In my case, I knew this guy, what was playin' around with a woman. But what she didn't know was, he already had a girlfriend. [Frasier looks up at this.] Ben: Anyway, I was the only one who knew the facts, but what was I to do? Tell the guy to back off? Tell the girl that she was dating a sleaze? So I thought, and I thought and here's what I done. [Frasier looks hopeful. Ben strums, but there is a twang.] Ben: Oh, what a drag, I broke a string. Anyway, I'll be back in a mo'. [He sets the guitar down and Frasier rushes over to him.] Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me. Ben: What? Frasier: What happened? Ben: What? Frasier: In the song, what happened? Ben: I have to think all the way through it. Uh, "I knew a guy who had the wandering eye..." Frasier: Yes, we know that part. What next? Ben: "He met a lady, he told her a lie..." Frasier: Right, and then? Ben: Chorus. Repeat chorus. Frasier: Yes, yes, but the end. How did it end? Ben: [singing loudly] "San Antonia Blues!" [Frasier just stares at him a moment, then turns and leaves the cafe. Fade out.] Scene 5 - Avery's Office [Fade in. There is a pounding on the door and Avery hurries to get it.] Avery: I said I'm coming! [He opens the door to reveal Frasier.] Avery: Frasier. What can I do for you? Frasier: [coming in] Avery, we need to talk. Avery: I'm a little busy at the moment. Frasier: I'm sorry, it can't wait. I know about you and Julia Wilcox. Avery: I have no idea what you're... Frasier: Oh, stop that! You are a married man. I realize this may be fun and games to you, but she could get hurt. Avery: This is really not a good time. Frasier: And why the hell not? Julia: Because I'm in the closet! [She steps out, looking a bit put off.] Frasier: I had no idea. I didn't mean for you to overhear... Julia: What? That Avery is married? I already know. Frasier: You do? Julia: We're having an affair, you idiot. [Frasier looks chagrined.] Frasier: Well, I'm sorry. I thought I was helping you. Julia: Are you finished helping yet? Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact I am. I'm also finished thinking that you and I owe each other the loyalty of professional kinship. From this day forward we are merely coworkers, cut and dried. [to Avery] And as for you, I am deducting my mileage here as a business expense. [He walks out.] Avery: Unbelievable. Are you all right? Julia: Yeah, yeah. He was just trying to help, in his own heavy handed way. Avery: He was always trying to be the hero. You know, one night back at Oxford, he crawled out onto a ledge to rescue what turned out to be a gargoyle. [They share a laugh and his phone rings. He goes over to check it.] Avery: Ah, it's my wife. Excuse me. [He answers.] Avery: Hello? ... Hello, darling. ... Well, I miss you too. ... Ah, not long. [He continues talking as Julia steps away, looking pensive. Fade out.] Scene 6 - Cafe Nervosa [Fade in. Frasier walks in and goes over to the counter.] Frasier: When does the alleged music start? Server: It doesn't. Ben quit. Frasier: Really? Why? Server: Ask him yourself. [Frasier turns to see Ben walking in, wearing a three piece suit.] Frasier: Well, well. That's quite a sharp looking three piece cage. What happened? Ben: Well you know, I don't really know. Some little blonde doxy came in here and hooked me up with a job at the Pelham Bay bank. [to server] Have you got my check, old man? Server: In the back. [to Frasier] Do you want that for here or to go? Frasier: For here. I'm staying. [Julia walks up behind him.] Julia: Congratulations, Frasier. You got your cafe back. Frasier: Whatever. [She starts to head out.] Frasier: Say, Julia, wait. [She turns back.] Frasier: Didn't you used to be on the board of the Pelham Bay Bank? Julia: You want to know my bio? Go to my website. [She leaves. Frasier smiles and gets his coffee. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] Maureen Nervosa is going over an application with Steve. Approving, she hands him an apron and he gets to work, shaking hands with the other counterman. Frasier and Niles come in and recognize him. Recognizing them, he takes off his apron and walks out the door.

Plan: A: his Oxford days; Q: Frasier has hired an old friend from where? A: John Hannah; Q: Who plays Avery McManus? A: his spending habits; Q: What is causing concern for Frasier? A: a difficult meeting; Q: What kind of meeting did Frasier have with his accountant? A: Café Nervosa; Q: Where does Frasier go to get away from the loud folk singer? A: Elvis Costello; Q: Who played the folk singer Ben? A: afternoons; Q: When does Ben play at Café Nervosa? A: his objections; Q: What does Frasier voice? A: Maureen Nervosa; Q: Who is the owner of Cafe Nervosa? A: an alternative regular café; Q: What is Frasier looking for? A: his search; Q: What is Frasier doing when he finds Julia in the arms of his accountant? A: Julia Wilcox; Q: Who is Frasier's coworker? A: KACL; Q: What is the call sign of the radio station where Frasier works? A: an ethical dilemma; Q: What is Frasier faced with? Summary: Frasier has hired an old friend from his Oxford days, Avery McManus ( John Hannah ), as his accountant , and his spending habits are already causing some concern. Following a difficult meeting, Frasier seeks sanctuary in Café Nervosa with Niles, only to discover that they now have a loud folk singer named Ben (played by Elvis Costello ) playing afternoons there. Frasier voices his objections, but ends up crossing the establishment owner, Maureen Nervosa ( Amy Hill ), and in the end feels compelled to leave. He and Niles spend some time trying, unsuccessfully, to find an alternative regular café . During his search, he is shocked to discover Julia Wilcox, a condescending co-worker from KACL, in the arms of his accountant. Knowing that Avery is married, Frasier is faced with an ethical dilemma as to whether he should tell Julia this fact. Niles, meanwhile, is unable to keep away from Nervosa.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Raylan: You're going around offering large amounts of cash for properties sight unseen. Some folks are under the impression you boys are here just to sell pizzas. You know, I haven't been in this building since I was a kid. Tim: Mmm. Raylan: Used to be a bank. Rachel: I just figured you might want to go at Boyd directly. Raylan: No. I want to keep building a RICO case like we've been doing. Besides, we don't have to go at him directly ... we got Ava. Vasquez: 'Cause she was so helpful getting us ahead of the bank robbery. Ava: I found these. Thought they might be from that bank robbery. Raylan: These docs, were they difficult to find? Ava: You think he set me up? Raylan: You think he's got any reason to suspect you? Ava: I wouldn't have thought so 30 seconds ago. Raylan: Just put them back. Katherine: You were supposed to find out where Calhoun's keeping his cash and steal it, not raid his filing cabinet. Wynn: You check his office for a secret safe? Boyd: 'Course. Wynn: And his home? Boyd: And his mama's home. Katherine: The money is there. You just have to try a little harder, Boyd. Ava: I know you robbed that bank, and I know you didn't get what you wanted ... just a bunch of land deeds. Ava: One of those deeds was to pizza portal. Boyd: My baby girl. Oh, you're a genius! Ava: [slurring] "Oh, sh1t. You're Boyd's girl." Boyd: [chuckles] Like I come in wearing your varsity letter jacket or something. Boyd: Well, maybe you should have. Ava: [chuckles] I don't remember you ever having a letterman jacket. Boyd: Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah, I always meant to get me one of those. Ava: Oh. Boyd: That's the thing about having a drug dealer for a daddy. I never could make it to practice on time. [Both laugh] Well, I must confess, darlin'. I thought you would have tapped out of this particular bacchanal long before now. Ava: Huh? Boyd: I didn't still think you had this kind of drinking in you, girl. Ava: You disappointed? Boyd: Oh, on the contrary. I ain't disappointed. Ava: Mm-hmm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [Groans] Boyd: Oh. [Grunts] Are you gonna pop on me, darlin'? Ava: Unh-unh. Boyd: You need me to hold your hair back? [chuckles] Boyd: Huh? Ava: No. I ain't puked up bourbon since I wore a cheerleader skirt. I don't aim to start again now. Boyd: Mmm. Well, I remember thinking what I wouldn't give to be a stripe on that cheerleader skirt. Ava: [chuckles] [Cellphone vibrating] [Both sigh] [Vibrating continues] Ava: Oh. Boyd: [sighs] A little Early in the morning to be getting text messages, ain't it? Ava: Oh, are you a little bit jealous? Boyd: Well, I wouldn't think so. But now that you mention it... Ava: I'll tell you who it's from if you promise not to get angry. Boyd: Well, my experience promises might aturendo be hollow. {*} But I promise to try my best. Ava: Mm-hmm. Pearl called in sick from the salon. Boyd: Ah. Ava: Looks like I got to open. Boyd: After drinking whiskey for six hours. Ava: [chuckles] Boyd: Damn, woman. You the last person I want cutting my hair. Ava: You might be surprised what I can do on a little bourbon buzz. Boyd: Well, I will promise to hold that thought. [Emergency brake engages, engine turns off] [Chuckles] Raylan: Something funny? Ava: Oh, it's all funny, Raylan. Funny you sending me texts with the sunrise, funny me having to hide them from my man like a secret agent. Raylan: Your man, meaning Boyd? Ava: [sighs] Raylan: Something about you this morning, hard to put a finger on. Ava: Well, I'm shitfaced, so there's that. Raylan: Ava, it's 7:00 in the morning. Ava: [sighs] See? I had plenty of time to work up to it. Raylan: You get any sleep at all? Ava: Been doing what I was appointed. Raylan: So, you were up all night drinking with Boyd. Ava: Uh-huh. All night, Raylan. You gonna give me a daddy lecture, tell me to keep it 'tween the ditches? I'll tell you what. I ain't in any kind of mood to hear it. Hangover's already kicked in. I got elephants marching around in my skull, and they're only gonna get angrier as the day wears on. So, how about we get to whatever it is you summoned me here for so I can get back and nurse my affliction. What? What is so funny? Raylan: Ava, you picked the wrong morning to show up half in the bag. Vasquez: Good morning, Ms. Crowder. Hope we didn't pull you away from anything too pressing. Ava: Ah, sh1t. Vasquez: And this is a writ. It is outlining the terms of your confidential informant arrangement with the U.S. Attorney's office where you stipulate that you will obtain and relay relevant information that may lead to charges against Boyd Crowder. Ava: I know what all it says. I haven't forgotten what our arrangement is. Vasquez: Well, I'm really happy to hear that because up until now, I'm having a really hard time seeing how you're holding up to your side of the bargain. Rachel: It's kind of been a dry well, Ms. Crowder. You need to give us something makes us lean forward. Otherwise, what are we doing? Ava: I told you I am working on it. Rachel: And we heard you. Our point is ... Vasquez: Point is that you can throw a stone into any one of these shit-packed hollers and hit some random hillbilly with more information than you've been able to dredge up so far. Ava: I just need time. I barely been out a couple of weeks. How am I supp... Vasquez: "Weeks" is the relevant word in that sentence, Ms. Crowder. It has been weeks without any useful information from you. Weeks with crimes that are happening that we know little to nothing about! Raylan: Vasquez. She gets the picture. Vasquez: Does she? Raylan: Look at her. You don't think you're making an impression? Rachel: Ms. Crowder, I understand you're feeling under the weather, and I understand you're feeling a little picked on, but you need to understand if you don't bring us something relevant and tangible within the week, your time as a C.I. is done. You'll be remanded back to prison to serve out your sentence. Ava: Or die trying, right? [Sighs] You come all the way to Harlan to threaten me? Could have made a phone call, save yourself a trip. Raylan: Ava ... Ava: No, Raylan. I understand. You ain't getting your way fast enough to suit you, so you bring these two assholes up here to impress upon me the severity of my situation. Well, consider myself impressed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to throw up. Hmm. [title theme] ♪ On this lonely road, trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome, pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul, god, get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard, fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road, trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome, pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪ Earl: That's some big brass balls right there, put the money in a pizza joint. Carl: Smart is what it is. Pre-fabricated vault on the premises. Earl: Use the delivery service, take the money out the pizzas. Carl: See, you don't know that. Earl: Makes sense, though, don't it? 30 minutes or less, cash, and a stuffed crust pie. Carl: Fact is, we don't know how Calhoun's getting the money in and out. The Pig: Don't even know it's Calhoun's money. Earl: Man, who the hell else is it gonna be? Boyd: Fact is, we don't know sh1t. The more you all talk about it, the more my head hurts. Did you get me that cheeseburger like I asked? Carl: It's on the bar, chief. [i]Walker: Gentlemen, we open for business today? Carl: Little Early for a snort, ain't it? Walker: Doesn't seem to have stopped you all. Carl: Yeah, well, it's our bar. And, uh, who in the hell are you? Walker: My name's Ty Walker. And if I've come at a bad time ... Boyd: Mr. Walker, I'm nursing a hangover as a result of one of the best evenings I've spent in a long time. As such, I don't have the bandwidth for casual conversation. Now, a man doesn't walk into a bar the way you just did unless he has something important to discuss. So, what say we get to it? Walker: You got Buffalo Trace? Boyd: Earl? Walker: [sighs] I come with no more lofty an aim than to apprise you of the situation in which you find yourself. Thank you. Mm-hmm. When you robbed that bank the other day, that ... that was a solid piece of trade craft. But I don't come to blow your skirts up, what geniuses you all are. My point is, somewhere along the way, you got the idea you were taking money from that sad sack Calhoun, which, frankly, wouldn't bother me a bit. But that's not the actual fact. As it happens, you robbed the man I work for. And while my employer is fair and patient on the whole, he's no weak sister nor a man to be trifled with. Say ... say he functions at a different level than maybe you're used to. Carl: I don't know, skippy. We're used to a whole lot around here. Boyd: Carl. Walker: I'm just a weather vane, Mr. Crowder. I don't make the wind blow. I'm saying, you find a way to counsel patience, desist coming after what doesn't belong to you, and everybody wins ... town, county, and state. Now, that being said, you insist upon the track thus far set upon, there will be consequences. Boyd: You done? Damn, son. You like to talk as much as I do. Well, mister... what was your name? Walker: Walker. Boyd: Mr. Walker, well, maybe I did the things you think I did, and maybe I didn't. Either way, I don't give a sh1t about you or the fella you work for. Now, many a man come through that door, ringing a similar bell. Most of those men are dead now in one way or another. Walker: Well, I certainly got no desire to end up like all those other men. As I said ... Boyd: Ah, ah. You're just a weather vane. I heard you. Now, you come here, said what you needed to say, and interrupted my repast in the process. Now, if I couldn't finish my hamburger in peace, I'm damn sure gonna finish my french fries that way. Carl? Carl: You best get to walking, Mr... Walker. You and your beard. Earl: [chuckles] Walker: For your hospitality. Hope you boys enjoy the rest of your day. Carl: sh1t! How in the hell we supposed to get a look inside that pizza place, now he knows all our faces?! Rachel: You got something you want to say to me? Raylan: What, about you and a .U.S.A. Napoleon bullying my C.I. and generally getting up in my sh1t? No, I can't think of a thing. Rachel: You need to bear in mind we're up in your sh1t for a reason. Raylan: Well, as long as there's a reason. Rachel: Saying, your C.I. ain't the only one not delivering on Boyd Crowder. Raylan: Hey. I thought we were taking our time. "It's a RICO case, Raylan. All eyes watching. Think long game." All of that. I'm the bloodhound, boss. You're the one holding the leash. Rachel: [sighs] You have no idea. Raylan: Ain't easy, huh? Rachel: It's a bitch running that office with you out here running around all untethered. Raylan: Rachel, you start to missing me, you don't got to take it out on my C.I., mess up my work. You want to babysit me, fine. Come out with me, ride the high country. Rachel: Don't be acting like I'm some civvy housewife you're taking for a ride-along, either. Raylan: Take it how you want. Are you coming to the next thing or am I driving you back? Rachel: The next thing being what? Raylan: Fella named Luther, runs the explosive cage at obsidian mine shaft. I was gonna stop by, yank his chain a bit. Rachel: You know him? We dug coal together. Rachel: And that helps us how? When we dug coal together, we dug coal with Boyd Crowder. Luther: Yeah, well, check down that main shaft, Bill, and get back to me. All right. [Car doors close] Raylan! Well, you ain't changed a jot or a tittle since we last. Well, now, you're a little grayer around the temples. Must be keeping away from that 'shine. Found it didn't agree with me. Luther: Yeah, Raylan used to drown hisself in 'shine this colored boy'd bring up from Stillwater. Like to set your balls on fire. Now, he'd go read a book at lunch time, but when that flintstone whistle end of the day come, he was the first one cracking them mason jars. Raylan: Last one drunk, as I recall. Luther: Heh. You was a skinny little minny, too. I never sussed how you managed that. Raylan: Poured most of it in the plants when you boys weren't looking. Luther: Well, sh1t. I always said you was smart. Smart enough to get out, anyways. How lucky I might have somthing to do with it too, then again, here I am. {*} Luther: Lucky. That's one thing I ain't ever been. You don't know what it was like around here. And it ain't getting any better, either. Raylan: I'm sorry to hear it. Which one is the logbook you keep track of your explosives and det cord? Luther: Let me see. Uh... Never mind. This must be it. You were saying? Luther: Oh. Heh. Well, you took off, and I married Layla, and sh1t just went downhill from there. We kept house as best we could, but it just got to be too much. And I got to drinking. And, well, I raised a hand to her one time. Just one time. She takes off without so much as a G-F-Y for good measure. Left me with a little boy to raise. Raylan: No sh1t. I got a daughter, just a tad still, but it changes you. Luther: Yeah, well, boys is a whole other story, uh... You mind telling me what you're digging around for there? I assume you didn't come here to talk about old times. Rachel: The reason why we're interested in your logbooks ... Have you had any explosives come up missing last few weeks? Luther: Not that I know of, and I'd be the one to know. Raylan: You sure? 'Cause I'm looking at your check-in figures for Emuline 33 det cord last month, and the check-out figures for this month ... You know what? The figures don't quite add up. Luther: Well, maybe your math is wrong. Maybe you forgot to carry a one or something. Raylan: Well, I don't claim to be Stephen Hawking, Luther, but fundamental addition and subtraction, I can speak to some mastery of. Rachel: And right here, there's a signature signing off on the discrepancy, last name Kent. This you, Luther? Okay. Now we know where Boyd gets his Emulex. What? Raylan: It's not like they didn't get along, but Boyd and Luther didn't run together back when. Rachel: You've been gone a long time. Maybe they, you know, rekindled their romance or whatever. Raylan: Maybe. Rachel: There's one way to find out. Wrap them up, take them home for a sit-down. Okay. That's the second time you've given me the scowly face. What is the problem? Raylan: Something ain't right. The way he's acting. I don't know. [Cellphone ringing] [Cellphone beeps] Brooks. Say where, now? Okay. I'll tell him. [Sighs] [Cellphone beeps] You want to guess where your C.I. is right now? [Music plays] [Woman laughs] [Indistinct conversations] Ava: Oh! Oh! Oh! [Sputters] Uh! I guess I must be the clumsiest girl the good lord ever gave life to. Y'all have a ladies' room? - Bartender: Get you another one? Yeah. I'll have the same thing. [Camera shutter clicking] [Metal clangs] Mundo: Can I help you, miss? Ava: Oh. What in the world is that thing? [Chuckling] I never seen anything like that before. Mundo: You don't spend much time in banks, huh? Ava: Well, I don't know. I've been in banks. I just never saw a pizza place with a ... a... [Sighs] What is that? Mundo: It's a bank vault. This place used to be a bank. Hence it's a vault. Ava: Oh. Well, what do they do in there now? Do they cook pizzas in it or something? Mundo: [scoffs] No, they don't cook pizzas in it. It's more like a ... What do you call it? A curiosity. Ava: It is that. [Chuckles] Hey, what's your name? Mundo: Mundo. Sometimes they call me Choo-Choo. Ava: Choo-Choo. I never heard that before. Mundo: I like trains. Ava: Is that right? Walker: Choo-Choo. What are we doing, bub? Ava: Hi. [Chuckles] I was on my way to the ladies' room and got lost. I, uh, found myself down here. I just can't belive you have this whole big thing and you don't have, like, tours or something. Walker: Ladies' is upstairs. Mundo, will you show our guest the way? Mundo: Let's get you up where you were going. Ava: All right, then. It was nice meeting you, I guess. Walker: Likewise. [Music] Mundo: Hey, y-you got a number or something that I can reach you by {*} in case you want to come take, like, a real actual tour or something? Ava: Oh, I think I can find you. Mundo: All right. Well, y-you ought to think about doing that sometime. Ava: Okay. I will, then. Mundo: All right. Hey, I never did catch your name! Ava: It's Ava. Ava Randolph. [Vehicle door opens] Mundo: So long, Ava Randolph. [Vehicle door closes, engine turns over] [SCENE_BREAK] The Pig: Man, you gotta zoom it. Earl: Man, I know that. Carl: You ... you just kinda spread your fingers. Just give it here. Earl: Darker than sh1t. I wish she'd have used the flash. The Pig: I guess she was trying to stay all, you know, clandestine. Earl: Yeah, I-I mean, I wish she could have. Carl: You know something? I believe we've got them outnumbered. The Pig: Just 'cause there was only two of them don't necessarily mean there's only two of them. Carl: No, look. Three beds. Yeah, see? There's a certain technique to photo surveillance. Boyd: There's five of them. How you figure? Boyd: Two more bed rolls against the wall. Earl: Five men, three beds. You think we're dealing with something untoward? I think they're sleeping in shifts. Carl: sh1t. Earl: Wait. What's that mean? The Pig: Means we want to get to that vault, even in the middle of the night, we gonna have to step over bodies. Earl: When I signed on to this job, it sounded like easy money. Now all of a sudden, it's all World War III. Boyd: You want to quit? 'Cause, Earl, you're welcome to step off this train anywhere along the line. Carl: No. You'll have to excuse my little brother, Boyd. Sometimes he ain't got much of a filter between his head and his mouth. But, uh, push comes to shove, ain't no way he wants out. Right? Earl: Right. Carl: Which is fortunate, I figure, seeing how it's already gonna be a trick for us to get to that vault where defenders outnumber attackers five to four. I can't even imagine what it would be like if our number fell to three. Boyd: Well, getting to it ain't the half. Vault's something called an Excelsior 5200. I saw one like it once in Kuwait. Had a dent in the door where a tank shell hit it, couldn't bust through. Earl: What's that mean? Boyd: Well, Earl, for starters, it means I'm gonna need you to get me a hell of a lot more Emulex. Raylan: Got an address? Okay. [Cellphone beeps] [Sighs] Rachel: What? Well, Luther Kent's got a couple of priors, nothing to connect him to Boyd the team can find. But... Rachel: But what? Three years ago, he got popped for a D.U.I. when he clipped a billboard. Staties say he was trying to switch seats with the passenger, make it look like he was driving. The passenger was his son, Tyler Kent. Man in the game: Of course, if you'd like to come in here with no questions asked... Boy: That's right. ...then you haven't met me yet. Tyler: [coughs] [Knock on door] It's open. Earl: Damn, Tyler. What are you doing to yourself in here? Tyler: Dude, I just hit level 29 on this bitch. Oh. The sky is the limit now. Hey! Come on, now! Earl: Got to talk business, man. Need your expert hand up the mine. Tyler: No, I can't do it, bro. I told you. It's a one-time deal. ATF's tight with the books and it could get daddy in trouble. Earl: You need to worry less about your daddy and a little more about your debt to me. Boyd needs more boom the sh1t load up. The good news is, you deliver, we gonna take care of you and your daddy. [Knock on door] Man, y'all looking to get shot? Raylan: Lord, I hope not. Was one of you gonna shoot us? Tyler: You better get your asses off the premises. Else maybe I'll pop you for trespassers. Rachel: Don't do that, Tyler. It'll break your daddy's heart any which way this story ends. Raylan: Bad enough he's got to cover you stealing his Emulex and for this hilljack asswaffle, no less. Earl: Hey, badge or no badge, you got no right coming here, talking sh1t. Actually, we got all that right and more. Earl: Yeah? Well, how 'bout you come out from behind that pussy badge and I show you ... [Both grunting] Rachel: Sit your ass down. Earl: [groaning] Raylan: Now... we still got a problem, or you want to reconsider your earlier position? Earl: [coughing] Raylan: You don't know me, but I know your pop since we was younger than you. Told me he had a son. I confess, I thought he meant just a tad like my own kid. I guess I started later in life, but that's on me. Anyways, he's worried about you, Tyler, and I supposed I am, too. Find you've been in charge of some shady bookkeeping at the mine, such that the ATF might want to start a whole circus up. Before I saw you got company, I was gonna take you back to Lexington, have a little chat, see if I could help you get in front of this thing. Tyler: Yeah, well... I got company. Raylan: Right. So, here's what I'm thinking. Why don't you two finish whatever it is you got cooked up. And say the second you steer clear of this numb nuts, I want you to give me a call, and we'll have that chat. Call that number. Anytime. - Okay, then. Rachel: Y'all be good, now. Tyler: Hey, you okay? Earl: No, I'm not goddamn okay! Son of a bitch like to crush my nuts into paste. Tyler: Well, now you see why I can't help you. He's talking ATF, man! Earl: Don't smart me right now, Tyler. It might make me hurt you. And you don't like it when I hurt you, do you? Tyler: No. Earl: Good. 'Cause I gots a new plan to get that Emulex. And the good news in this plan, you ain't got to lie to nobody. [Door closes] Boyd: Earl, you back already? Earl? [Groaning] Tyler: Maybe we should leave the guns here. Earl: To do what, man? How we supposed to do a hold-up with no guns? Tyler: Well, I just ... I don't want to see my daddy hurt. Earl: Well, that there's all the more reason. Gun in his face, less chance he's gonna try to be a hero. And if you think about it, it's really for his protection. Tyler: And, wait, we have to knock him around? Earl: [sighs] You want it to look right, don't you? Tyler: Yeah. Far as he knows, two guys in masks busted in, touched him up, grabbed the keys to the Emulex shed. Tyler: Okay. The cops see bruises on him, goes a long way convincing them he wasn't in on it. Tyler: Yeah. Again, it's for his protection. [Scoffs] Ban. You know what I wouldn't give to pull a mask on, take a few free pokes at my daddy? [laughs] Earl: Let's go. Raylan: Well, I guess we know why they stopped at a five-and-dime. Rachel: Halloween come Early. You think they think if we don't hear their voices, we won't know who's under those masks? Raylan: Were you boys not listening when I said we followed you here? All right. Let's start over. Guns down, hands up. You first, Mr. "Pussy badge." Earl: What if I say no? Tyler: Earl, maybe we ought ... Earl: Shut up, bitch! This don't concern you. Raylan: Earl. Earl? You really need me to run down all the "or elses"? Earl: Actually, I was hoping you'd try grabbing my prick again, see if it goes the same way now I'm paying attention. Raylan: I ain't gonna grab it. I'm just gonna shoot it off. You understand me, Earl? I'm gonna shoot your dick off. Earl: Since stealing explosives falls under terrorism now, right? Tyler: Yeah. Earl: We got nothing to loose. Rachel: We just want to know who the Emulex is for. Name will do. Save us a lot of body bags. Tyler: Earl? How do you think your daddy'd feel about his only boy living the rest of his life as a snitch? Raylan: I think he'd like to see him live the rest of his life. Ain't that so, Luther? Luther: I don't know. I always said I'd never see a son of mine die down a mine. Least here, he could punch out looking up at the stars. Be kind of like floating away. Rachel: You're not really gonna let this happen. Luther: What if I said I took the Emulex, Raylan? Boyd: [breathing heavily] [Door hinges squeak] [Music] Seabass: Have you seen "Chinatown," Boyd? Boyd: [inhales deeply] [shears snap] [Grunts] Seabass: That's your second warning. There won't be a third. See, we need to hear you say it. That you understand. Boyd: I understand. All right, then. That was smart, sending that smoke show to do your recon. figure everybody's too busy looking at her to see where she's looking. Wonder if that'll still work when she's not so easy to look at. [Door hinges creak, door closes] [Knock on door] Markham: Miss? Apologies for the intrusion. Ava: Uh, can I help you? Markham: I hope you won't find me too bold asking to be invited in for a quick word this fine evening? Ava: I'm sorry. I don't know you. I'm not generally inclined to ... Walker: Not generally inclined to invited strange men into your house? Well, I'd say it's a good thing you and I are some acquainted. Markham: I'll only need a few minutes of your time, Ms. Crowder. Now, can I get anything to drink in there? Markham: [groans] You know, I grew up in Kentucky, my life entire, yet I never developed a taste for bourbon. Even the smell turns something in me sour. Ava: Well, if I had known I was having company, I could have had something more to your taste. Oh, I could have called. But somehow, I didn't imagine that'd have quite the same impact. Ava: Hmm. Now we know where you're from and your preference in liquor. You think maybe you could tell me who the hell you are? Markham: Ava ... You mind if I call you Ava? Ava: [scoffs] If I do mind, I'll just add it to the list of things I'm holding against you. Markham: Ava, I've known my share of criminals. It's an ugly part of my past that I hope to remedy by investing more wisely in the future. Ava: Well, you're off to a bang-up start kidnapping me. Markham: Wasn't my choice, I assure you. Ava: Whose was it, then? His? It was yours. Come to reconnoiter my place of business, [Music] living some fantasy outlaw life, just you and Boyd against the world. Ava: Sounds like you know a thing or two about it. Markham: I know for a woman to survive in this line of work, she's got to be harder than the men, ready to do the things they won't. I know women who have that in them. My question is, are you that kind of woman, Ava? Because if you ain't, then you'll never be more than a token, something that can be threatened or hurt just to keep your man in line. [Dog barks in distance, crickets chirping] [Police radio chatter] Raylan: You know you're looking down the barrel of federal terrorism charges, your little act of noblesse oblige here. Luther: I suppose that's my cross to bear, then. Raylan: But why, Luther? I told you. We're after Boyd. Luther: You mean you're after my boy giving him up. What kind of life do you think there is around here for the man who flips on Boyd Crowder? D-Did you know Tyler wanted to go to big sandy J.C., study x-ray tech, but I couldn't afford it? Figured this way, at least he can say I give him something. Raylan: Luther, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your son is beyond helping. And that story of yours about putting him up to it, that ain't gonna hold water. Tyler is going down for this. The end. Now, if you want to volunteer to take the fall with him, I'm sure we can free up some space at the Harlan county detention center. You can hold his hand while he awaits arraignment. But you think you're gonna climb up on a cross and pay for his sins, you're a fool. You're a fool. You understand? Luther: You say you got a baby girl of your own? Raylan: That's right. Luther: Well, right now, I reckon she's not much more than a lump that cries and sh1ts and makes baby noises. Raylan: It's like you've met her. Luther: Yeah, and you're gonna tell me that absent even any personality she might one day cultivate, there ain't one thing in this world you wouldn't do for that gob? That don't stop, son. And it don't get any easier. You'll see. Raylan: Yeah. We're done. Walker: Hello, again, Boyd. Boyd: Oh, Mr. Walker. Well, now that I'm feeling more myself, I sure do wish I had a second chance to make a first impression. But I get the distinct feeling you ain't the person I'm here to talk to. Nice to meet you, sir. My name is Boyd Crowder. Markham: We've met. Well, in that case, I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage. Markham: My name's Avery Markham. Guess I can't blame you for not remembering. Last time I saw you, you were no bigger than minute. 9, 10 years old. Peacocking around your daddy like you thought you was already a full-grown bad man. Boyd: I recognize you now, Mr. Markham. That being said, I still don't recall being bounced on your knee. Nevertheless, it, uh, seems that I owe you an apology. Like I said, I can't blame you for not remembering. Boyd: No, sir. The apology that I owe is for my craven attempt to pilfer that which rightfully belongs to you. As defense, I offer only my ignorance. Meaning you thought you were stealing from Calhoun? Markham: Yes, sir. I did. And now you know the prize in question belongs to me. Boyd: That, I do. Mm-hmm. Boyd: And any, uh, plan that I had for my next attempt should be considered abandoned as foolhardy ... not to say unworthy. [Music] Markham: Hmm. I hope you'll understand when I say I don't want to see either of you at the portal again. Next time you want a slice, order in. Have it here in 30 minutes, or it's free. And if I see you in my place of business again... I'll kill you. Come to it... I guess you ain't all that big now. Grown... but still just playing pretend. [Sighs] Ma'am. [Police radio chatter] Rachel: I'm heading back to the office. You coming or staying? Raylan: I'm staying. See how this shakes out. Rachel: What about the other one, Boyd's little minion Earl? You rolling him out, too? Raylan: I was gonna let him go. Send him back to Boyd jumpy, get him all spun up before I swoop back down on my white horse. Rachel: That's actually how you see this going down, isn't it? Raylan: Why not? Worked for Gary Cooper. Rachel: Picking up Tyler on the Emulex is the beginning. But if he doesn't flip and you kicking Earl back to Boyd... [Sighs] I guess this is my way of saying I hope you know what you're doing. Raylan: I do, too. Wynn: Mikey, once again. Talking while I'm in here can lead to unevenness in my facial tone. Mike: It's Crowder. Fine. Tell him I'll call him after my session. Mike: He wants a sit-down tonight. Wants Mrs. Hale here, too. Wynn: He's coming here? Did he say why? Mike: Just said I better tell Mrs. Hale to get her ass over here ... his words. I guess if he's looking to hit us, he wouldn't call ahead. Wynn: Unless he wants to "High noon" it. Have us get Katherine over here so we're all in one place. Mike: He also told me to get him a room for the night. Wynn: A room? Mike: What he said. Wynn: What the...? [Sighs] Mike: So, what should I do? Wynn: Call Katherine. Have her get her ass over here. And then call the front desk, hope to hell they have a vacancy. And when you search Crowder, make sure you get his cigarettes. [Door opens] [Elevator bell dings] Boyd: I found the money. Mighta found it a whole lot sooner you'd been straight with me from the jump. Katherine: You want a drink, Boyd? I want to know why you didn't tell me we were robbing Avery Markham. Katherine: Wynn, drink? Wynn: I'm rehydrating. Katherine: Okay. [Ice clinking] I was worried if I told you, you might not take the job. Boyd: Because of Markham's reputation or because he used to be your husband's partner? Katherine: He was much more than that. Well, that sounds like a story. Katherine: It had its moments. Boyd: Well, as man with a keen regard for history, I know I'm gonna be more than happy to hear it. But right now, Katherine, I find myself more concerned with the present. Katherine: Meaning? What is your relationship with him now? Katherine: No offense, Boyd, but if I really wanted to set you up, I'm sure I could find an easier way. That ain't what I asked. Katherine: I'm sleeping with him. That's how I knew he was moving back into Kentucky, and that's how I knew to put you on to his realtor. Huh. Katherine: Hmm. Boyd: [laughs] Woman, how do you see this playing out in your mind? You think he's not gonna put it together that you were in on ripping him off? Avery Markham's not a man to sit still while someone takes what's his, let them go live the good life somewhere on his dime? Wynn: So, you're out, right? That's what you're saying? I mean, let's just set aside all this poetic, down-home, hillbilly bullshit. Bottom line is you're backing down. Boyd: Oh, I ain't backing down. I'm gonna rob him. And then I'm gonna stick a bullet in your boyfriend's head. Katherine: You know what, Boyd? From the moment I met you, I just knew you were the man of my dreams. [Sirens wailing in distance] Boyd: [sighs] Ava: You get her to come clean? Boyd: Clean as she's gonna come. How you doing, darlin'? Ava: Better now. Just laying here thinking. Those men coming after us like that. Boyd: Ava, that ain't never gonna happen again. Ava: I know. I don't doubt you, Boyd. Boyd: Good. Don't. Ava: But I do have to wonder, now that it's quiet... how much money are we talking about here? And how are you planning on going after it, given their actions? I thought you said you trusted me. Ava: I do. Boyd: Then how come you need to know the particulars about how I go about my business? Ava: I'm scared, Boyd. You can't see that? They came into my home. Boyd: And I told you you ain't gonna have to worry about that again, Ava. Ava: What if we just... ran? Just lit out? Start over, do... I don't know, anything else. Why not? Boyd: Ava, I ain't leaving here with nothing. Ava: You have me. Do I? [Sighs] Last night was beautiful. But if I'm being honest with you, Ava, since you got out, sometimes I feel like I don't know who you are anymore. Ava: [sighs] [Music] Tell you what. You come on over here, and I'll remind you.

Plan: A: heavy drinking; Q: What did Ava do the night before? A: Raylan; Q: Who calls Ava in for a meeting? A: a surprise meeting; Q: What kind of meeting does Raylan call Ava to? A: David Vasquez; Q: Who is the other person that Ava meets with? A: her confidential informant agreement; Q: What do Rachel and David outline to Ava? A: solid evidence; Q: What do Raylan and Rachel want Ava to come back with? A: the basement; Q: Where does Ava go to take pictures of the old vault? A: explosives; Q: What are Raylan and Rachel looking for? A: one mine; Q: What mine's log books don't balance? A: an armed robbery; Q: What does Earl attempt? A: the Marshals; Q: Who catches Carl's brother Earl? A: the father; Q: Who takes the fall for his son? A: Boyd's crew; Q: Who is discussing the Pizza Portal? A: Ty Walker; Q: Who arrives at the meeting with Boyd's crew? A: consequences; Q: What does Ty Walker warn Boyd about? A: Sean and Choo-Choo kidnap Boyd; Q: Who kidnaps Boyd? A: the bar; Q: Where does Boyd get kidnapped from? A: a stress position; Q: What position was Boyd bound in? A: morning; Q: What time of day is it when Boyd is released? A: Ava's home; Q: Where does Boyd find Avery Markham and Ty Walker? A: Katherine and Wynn; Q: Who does Boyd call a meeting with? Summary: After a night of heavy drinking and celebrating with Boyd, Ava is called in by Raylan to a surprise meeting with Rachel Brooks and David Vasquez, who outline the terms of her confidential informant agreement - though to Ava it sounds like they want her to take greater risks, to come back with solid evidence or die trying. Ava agrees to case the Pizza Portal for Boyd, slipping down to the basement and taking pictures of the old vault. Raylan and Rachel look for explosives that might be used to breach the vault, finding that the log books for one mine don't balance. Carl's brother Earl has been extorting the son of the explosives boss and needing more makes him attempt an armed robbery; the Marshals catch them but the father takes the fall for his son. Boyd's crew are discussing the Pizza Portal when Ty Walker arrives and informs them that they are not robbing Calhoun, but his boss, warning of consequences should they continue their course. That night, Sean and Choo-Choo kidnap Boyd from the bar, bind him in a stress position until morning, then set him free saying he will receive no further warnings. Night has fallen again by the time Boyd walks home to find Avery Markham and Ty Walker in Ava's home; he apologizes to Avery, who threatens to kill them if he sees them in the Pizza Portal again. Boyd calls a meeting with Katherine and Wynn, demanding to know why they didn't tell him their real target was Avery Markham.

At Cohen's Sandy: Hey, Ryan? Ryan? I shmeared it for you. Ryan: Thanks. Sandy: Is everything okay? Ryan: Yeah. I'm just gonna go see if Seth's up. Seth: I am up, and I'm out of here. Ryan: What? Where you going? Sandy: I didn't know you were planning a trip. Seth: Neither did Summer, but RISD sent my dorm info, so I figured I'd check out my new home and give her some moral support for finals. Are you gonna eat that? Kirsten: Are you sure that's such a good idea? Ryan: Why, did Ryan do something to it? Kirsten: No, not the bagel,the trip. Sandy: I thought you were gonna give Summer some more space. Seth: Well, a little space turned into a lot of missing me. That's my cab. E-mail me a Christmukkah list. I'm gonna be shopping at the Providence Place Mall. They have carpeting, which is weird. They have a Dave & Buster's, but parking sucks. Ryan: Listen, dude, I really need to talk to you-- it's very important. Seth: Okay, and I want to hear all about it when I land in Providence. Just call me. Call me. Brown's college - Dean's office Dean: So we've had a chance to review your situation, and the board has come to a unanimous decision. Effective immediately, you are suspended from this university until next fall. Summer: Suspended? Dean: Breaking into that lab was very serious. If it wasn't for your excellent record,the board might have involved the police. I'm sorry, um, I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do now. Dean: It's done. You can go to the dorm and start packing. Summer: But I have finals, and friends. Dean: I'm afraid you're no longer a student here. Summer: But my dad is living in Seattle with the step-monster. And Taylor Townsend is sleeping in my old bed. And Seth was moving out here so we could be together. Dean: Ms. Roberts, you need to go home. Summer: This is my home. Generic Brown's college - Summer's bedroom Summer: It's just you and me now. Che: Summer Bear. So, I heard the iron fist of justice came crashing down on you swiftly, without mercy. Summer: Yep. Sounds like your plan worked out perfectly. Che: Oh, come on, that's not fair. Back at the reservation, they taught us, sometimes the weaker gazelle must be devoured for the good of the herd. Summer: Oh, Che, just shut up, okay? Before I tie you up with hemp rope, set you on fire, and get high off the fumes from your burning flesh. Che: Dark. Summer: Mm. Che: I think the fact that you would use hemp proved that I have made a difference in your life. Summer: Yeah, Che, you have. You got me thrown out of school. You know, I really liked this place. I liked who I was becoming at it. I mean, this was my life. Che: And you sacrificed it for the good of the... the-the cause. You're a martyr. You're a hero. Summer: I just wanted to be a student. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find my roommate and tell her that she now has a single. Poolhouse Kirsten: Are you dirty, Ryan? Ryan? Hello? Ryan: Hey. Kirsten: I-I couldn't help but notice that you wanted to talk to Seth. Ryan: Oh, did I? Kirsten: Well, since he's out of town and he's gonna be moving out next semester, you're gonna need a new Seth. Don't tell Sandy, but... I thought I would audition for the job. Ryan: Oh, uh, yeah, well, that's, uh, very thoughtful. Kirsten: So... how does it work? Do I ask you what's on your mind? Ryan: Uh, usually you talk about yourself, and I solve my problems on my own. Kirsten: I couldn't help but notice that you've been spending time with Taylor. Ryan: Rea... Have I? Kirsten: If we're gonna talk about girls, I am a far more knowledgeable resource than my son. Ryan: Okay. But you can't repeat this, all right?Because if the real Seth found out I was telling the substitute Seth a real secret... Kirsten: It's in the vault. Ryan: Okay. I kissed Taylor. Or she kissed me. Anyway, there was a kiss, and, uh... Kirsten: And now you can't stop thinking about her. Ryan: Pretty much. Kirsten: That is so cute. Ryan: Okay, Seth never does that. Kirsten: Sorry. But it is, and so is she. Ryan: Yeah, I know, it's just... me and Taylor? Kirsten: After everything you've been through over the last few months, if something good happens, shouldn't you embrace it? Or at least be open to the possibility? Ryan: You're right. You're right. Thanks. Kirsten: Okay. So do I get the job? Ryan: You're on the short list. At Roberts' Kaitlin: Spencer, what brings you to Casa de Cooper? Spencer: Your racket. Kaitlin: You restrung it for me. That's so sweet. Spencer: Yeah, I went with the Pro-Flex Fiber Tour. It should, uh... it should cut down on the tension. Kaitlin: Good, because I've been having a lot of stress lately. I could use a little bit of... relaxing. Spencer: String tension, Kaitlin. Kaitlin: Well, now that you and my mom are over, maybe you can help me with my stroke. Spencer: Yeah, right. Look, you got a great backhand, but, uh, no offense, I kind of have a "no jail bait" policy. Kaitlin: Lame. Spencer: You know, maybe you should try, uh, try meeting guys from your school. Kaitlin: You mean boys? Spencer: Exactly. Yeah, because you're in high school. You know, that place with desks and chalkboards and kids. Those are people your own age. Kaitlin: I don't know, maybe... Spencer: ...maybe you should try hanging out with them. Shopping center Taylor: Hi, Ryan. Ryan: I got to go, can't talk. Taylor: I'm-I'm not hereto see you. I'm just covering for Seth while he's gone. Ryan: That's nice. Taylor: Sorry that I kissed you. Ryan: What? No, its... it's cool. Taylor: It's obviously not okay. You're totally uncomfortable around me now. Ryan: No, no. Um... It's... the kiss is not a problem. Taylor: Really? Good, because usually when I kiss a guy, it ends in tears. His, not mine, because, like,I'm a bit of a lip biter and, you know, sometimes I draw blood and... Ryan: Taylor? Taylor: Yeah? Ryan: What are you doing tonight? Taylor: Oh, I'm updating my blog. It's kind of Felicity by way of Anais Nin, the erotic memoirs of a soulful college girl. Ryan: Taylor, tonight, are you busy? Taylor: Oh. Blog, shmog. Ryan: Is-is that a yes? Taylor: Yes, it is a yes, squared. In all caps, with a exclamation mark and a smiley-faced emoticon. Ryan: A simple yes will do. Taylor: Yes. Great, all right, well, I'll see you tonight. Hey, do you just want to come up to the comic book store? There's a flat-screen TV, SurroundSound, a bevy of Blu-ray anime. Ryan: All right. See you then. Harbour Kaitlin: Hey, Eric. Eric: Kaitlin, hey. What are you doing here? Kaitlin: It seems like people at this school like to watch hairless wonders in banana slings. I'm just trying to fit in. Eric: Oh, cool. Leah: Well, good to see you. Olivia: Ask her. Leah: No, you ask her. Olivia: I'm not gonna ask her, I don't know who she is... Kaitlin: Do you bitches have a problem? Olivia: We saw you talking to Eric Ward. Leah: Oh, my God, he is so hot. Olivia: Do you know him? Kaitlin: I know that his brother shaves his chest. Leah: Seriously? That is so... Kaitlin: Gayer than his dad, I know. Olivia: You're Kaitlin Cooper, aren't you? Kaitlin: Yes. Olivia: I'm Olivia. This is Lea. Leah: Hi. Kaitlin: Cool. Do you guys think anyone would notice if I sparked a jay by the bleachers? Leah: That is so totally illegal. Riley: Is there a reason why you guys aren't home right now? Leah: Riley, hey! We-we... Olivia: Came to cheer on your boyfriend. Connor's doing awesome. Riley: That's because he is awesome. Now, get going. Those party invites aren't gonna address themselves. Olivia: Okay. Kaitlin: Okay, why do you guys let her talk to you like that? Leah: Well, she's having a pimps and ho's party for her sweet 16, and it's gonna be awesome. Olivia: But if we don't help out, we don't go. Kaitlin: So don't go. Olivia: Yeah. That would be social suicide. Everyone who's anyone at this school is going to that party. No offense. Come on, Lea. Kaitlin: 'Kay, well, if you guys change your minds, I'll be by the bleachers. Olivia: Sure. Leah: Gotcha. Shopping center Ryan: Hey, man, how's the East Coast treating you? Seth: Too soon to tell. I had a layover in Salt Lake and then I got delayed in Poughkeepsie. It's hard to get a direct flight last minute. Ryan: Yeah, well, at least you made it. Summer surprised to see you? Seth: I'm headed over there right now. I got an all-night study package. I scored a brick of Dunkin' Donuts coffee and some reasonably priced meth from this homeless guy. Oh, I'm sure she'll appreciate the pick-me-up, very thoughtful. How are things with you ? I know you wanted to talk. Ryan: Things are weird. And about to get a lot weirder. Seth: That wasn't vague or ominous at all. Ryan: I'll explain later. Seth Well, good luck. Ryan: Back at you. New Match Office Kirsten: I know you're unhappy, but you've been out with seven different men. Pam: You mean seven versions of the same man. Republican real estate developer hates his ex-wife, loves golf. Julie: This is Newport. You live in a monkey cage, you have to date chimps. Pam: Well, maybe you could throw a gorilla into the mix. Kirsten: I appreciate the analogy, but, Pam, how do we fix this? Pam: Find me a man who will surprise me. Someone different. Kirsten: Her prayers have been answered. Gordon: I tell you, the women are well-preserved in this town. If my slacks weren't so damn tight... Julie: Bullet, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to be a silent partner. Gordon: Oh, I ain't here to work. I came to see my girlfriend. Julie: What? No, I am not... Gordon: Car's waiting outside. Dinner's planned. I'd invite Blondie, but she don't look much like an eater. Kirsten: Oh, that's a shame. I'm going to let you two figure this out. See you in the morning. Julie: Kirs... Okay, I'm not having dinner with you. You repulse me, and I'm busy. Gordon: Well, that's cool; busy doing what? Julie: A client is unhappy with our man base, so I have to go on a major recruiting mission. Gordon: Or you can just put them in the Bullet's line of fire. Julie: Okay, while the client is looking for something out of the norm, "lunatic" probably isn't her type. Gordon: Have dinner with me. Julie: No. Gordon: A cocktail? Julie: No! Gordon: Then let's just make out. Julie: I can hurt you. Gordon: Wow. Call me. At the comics bookstore Taylor: Isn't this just great? I mean, did you ever think that decapitation could be so beautiful? Ryan: How many times have you seen this? Taylor: Oh, I watch it every night. It helps relax me. Is everything okay? Ryan: I'm sorry. Taylor: So that's a "no." Ryan: I can't do this. Taylor: Okay, um... I've done my fair share of misreading signs in my life, but you asked me to hang out. You sat next to me, you leaned in with a slight tilt of your head. Ryan: I know, I know, and I'm sorry. Uh, you're a great girl. It's just, this is too weird. Taylor: Well, that makes me feel so much better. Ryan: Me! Not you, me ! I'm... weird. At Cohen's house - Seth's bedroom Summer: Surprise! Cohen? Cohen. Seth: Hey, where are you? Summer: Where are you? Seth: I'm in your room. Summer: I'm in your room. Seth: Summer, I was going to surprise you. Summer: Well, I'm surprised. Seth: Yeah, me, too. Why aren't you in school? Summer: Because I got kicked out. Seth: Summer, what'd you do? Summer: I listened to stupid Che and his stupid plan, and he sold me down the stupid river. Seth: I knew anyone that sincere was not to be trusted. Summer: I miss it already. I don't know what to do. Seth: Yeah, well, I do. Summer: What? Seth: If he hurt you, then I'm going to hurt him. Summer: That's funny, Cohen. See, I knew you could cheer me up. Seth: I'm serious. You can at least act like it's halfway feasible that I could avenge your honor. Summer: What, you're serious? No, no, no. Seth: I'm going to go so Ryan Atwood on his ass. Summer: Come on, Cohen, I don't like this. Seth: Neither will Che. Summer: No, wait, don't... Poolhouse Sandy: So Kirsten told me she came in yesterday and applied for the job of substitute Seth. Ryan: She may have. Sandy: Well, you know, uh, if anyone's qualified, I think we all know it's me, and I'm thinking the only reason you didn't ask me is because no interview was necessary. Ryan: Yeah, well, it turns out I may not have to fill the position I handled the whole Taylor thing although it may be a little awkward for a while. Sandy: Oh. What happened? Ryan: Nothing happened. Which was the problem for her. Sandy: Yeah, yeah. Ryan: But now I don't know. I mean, at first I thought I was just caught up in the whole Volchok thing. And then I thought the problem might've been Taylor. You know, because she canbe a little, uh, weird. Sandy: She's a touch eccentric. Ryan: But now I think the problem is me. Maybe it's too soon. Sandy: So keep it casual. You know, just tell her you... you need to be friends for now. Ryan: Yeah, that's a line every girl loves to hear. Sandy: No, if it's the truth, she'll understand. Ryan: Well, I don't have any other choice. All right, I'll give it a shot. Sandy: Great, okay, listen, if there's anything else I can do for you, I'll be in my room reading comics and listening to indie rock. Ryan: All right. That was a good Seth. At Brown's college Summer: Were you a good Ryan? Seth: I was actually going to borrow one from the Julie Cooper playbook, and wait till Che was asleep, then smother him with a pillow. Summer: Oh, my hero. Seth: But the guy was at some all-night candlelight vigil. Still, he's got to sleep sometime. This place reeks of incense and righteousness. Summer: Oh, that's Che's musk. Look, be careful. Seth: He's not in his room. Neither was your roommate last night. Summer: Yeah, that's because she's a huge slut. Seth: Wait a minute, what's this? Summer: What, I don't know. I'm on the phone, I can't see. Hello, Seth. Che: News of your vendetta has reached my ears. Summer: Is that Che? What's happening? Che: I'm a pacifist. Until cooler heads prevail... I will be underground. Peace. Summer: Peace ? He's going to run? That coward! Seth: I'm going to watch it again for background noise, visual cues, anything that might tip me off to his whereabouts. Summer: No, Cohen, Che has had survival training, okay. He's probably hiding in a cave somewhere with Osama Bin Laden. Look, forget about him. I need you, and I'm here. Seth: All right, but for the record, I did not back down. Summer: And I love you for it. Come home. Seth: Okay. At Roberts' Julie: Summer? What are you doing here? Summer: Oh, I slept out here. Turns out I like nature. And Taylor's in my bed. Julie: No, I mean, what are you doing here in Newport? Summer: Oh. Long story. Julie: Oh. Well, then if you need anything or just want to talk, I'm here for you. Summer: Thanks, Julie. Julie: And you should go reclaim your bedroom. Taylor has boundary issues. Summer: Mm. Julie: Is that a bunny? Harbour Riley: Okay, so if I don't call your name, that means you're not coming. All the hot senior guys already got their invites. Jeanie. Jeanie: Kristen. Sarah. Leah: She's got to invite us, right? Olivia: She'd better. We stayed up all night licking envelopes. Riley: Alexis. Michelle. Shana. And lastly, me, duh. Olivia: Wait, what about us? Riley: Sorry, but I didn't know you'd ruin the envelopes with your heinous saliva stains. The whole school could get gonorrhea of the throat. Olivia: But you promised! Riley: I'm afraid it'd be unsanitary. Kaitlin: You guys can all come to my party. It's tonight, my house. Riley: Well, I rented out Hide, and did you know that Chef Hu yells at people? He's making sushi, and Danity Kane is playing a 25-minute set. Kailtin: Well, sushi's high in mercury, and Danity Kane sucks. I've got five kegs, a quarter ounce and absolutely no parents. Leah: Sweet! Kaitlin: Bring whoever you guys want. And don't worry about any lame costumes. Olivia: Thanks. Leah: Yeah, that was really nice inviting us to your party. It sounds like fun. Kaitlin: Oh, it will be. New Match office Julie: You want to join New Match? I don't understand. Kirsten: The application fee is rather steep, and most of our female clients are over 35. Spencer: Look, you need new recruits, right? So sign us up. Here's a check to cover it. And I believe this is for you. Julie: Uh-huh, and I think I know who it is. Gordon: Bang! Am I good or am I good? Julie: What do you think you're doing? Gordon: Well, money may not buy love or happiness, but it'll buy a whole lot of bachelors. I think you owe me a weekend as a thanks. Julie: No, I can't. I already have plans. Gordon: Cancel them. Julie: I'm going away for the weekend with Kirsten and Sandy. To the Montage, it's their anniversary. Gordon: You're celebrating their anniversary? Julie: They're having a recommitment ceremony and, uh... I am their witness. Gordon: Well, that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. See you there. Kirsten: The Bullet? At the bookshop Ryan: Taylor. Taylor: Ryan. Boo! Didn't run away that time, so you must not be that scared of me. Ryan: All right, look, I just wanted to come by and apologize about last night, and... And I didn't know you had company. Taylor: Roger, Ryan. Ryan, Roger. Ryan: Roger. Taylor: Ryan. I've been helping Roger track down this obscure Kinji Fukasaku biography. And it turns out he watches Blood Bath IV every night before he goes to bed, too. Ryan: Well, that's... Taylor: Kismet? I know. Maybe it's too soon to talk about fate, but... Ryan: Yeah, well, anyway, I just wanted, you know, to see if you need a ride home or anything. Roger: Oh, I got my bike, thanks. Ryan: Not you. Taylor: Well, that is very friendly of you, Ryan, since I'm assuming that's what you want us to be, just friends? Ryan: Well, if you're cool with that. Taylor: Ryan Atwood, "mon ami" sounds terrif. But Roger and I were just gonna hang out and, uh, order some takeout, so if you don't mind. Ryan: All right, well, uh, you know, I'll see you, then. Taylor: Bye, friend. Roger: Bye, Ryan. Nice to meet you, man. Ryan: Bye, Roger. Taylor: Let's come look at this. I wanted to show you this. I really think you guys should work at this one. Roger: This's probably why you work here? At Roberts' - Summer's bedroom Summer: Yeah, I talked to my dad today. He was pretty disappointed in me. Seth: Well, I'm leaving the Antelope Valley Airport now, so there's just the $100 cab ride home. Summer: Just get here soon, okay? Seth: Okay, I love you. Summer: That was fast. Che: I've come to atone for my sins. At Roberts' Kaitlin: What, or convince her to let me throw a huge party with underage drinking? Yeah, I have to get her out of the house. Are you going somewhere? Julie: yeah, I'm go to the Montage with Sandy and Kirsten, just for the weekend. Kaitlin: Going to a hotel with Sandy and Kirsten? They're not spicing their relationship up, are they? Julie: Please, Sandy and Kirsten? Kaitlin: Yeah, they don't exactly scream threesome. Julie: Just how old are you? So I guess I can assume you'll be fine without me this weekend? Kaitlin: Oh, I think I can survive. Julie: Now, if you need anything, Summer and Taylor are in charge. Kaitlin: Wait, Summer's here? Summer: Fine, Che, you're really going to dehydrate, camp out on the front lawn, I'll get you some water. Hi. Che: So you don't believe that I'm thirsty huh? Now you think I'm a liar. Summer: And a chicken and a snake and a rat Che: Well, those are all God's creatures. And they are all fallible. I made a mistake. Summer: It wasn't a mistake. You deliberately used me. Che: Summer, I cannot go on with my life with this issue unresolved. So let's go out on the lawn and have a truth circle. This will be your opportunity to tell me how you're really feeling. I have. Summer: I hate you. Now leave. This can't be fixed by some candlelight vigil or petition, okay? And I'm not some tree that you can just chain yourself to. Che: We'll see about that. Summer: What? What did you do? This isn't that funny. Give me the key. Che: I cannot unlock us until we are done healing. Summer: Hmm. Okay, then be prepared to stay here for the rest of your life, 'cause that's never going to happen. At the restaurant Sandy: A weekend away at the Montage, honey you've outdone yourself. Kirsten: I don't know about that. Sandy: Oh, no, listen, I'm going to be paying you back later tonight. Guess who packed Scrabble? Kirsten: There's just one small wrinkle in this otherwise romantic holiday that I forgot to share. Sandy: Not to worry. I TiVoed the Australian Open. Tiger's going to take it any. Just one more thing. Tell me at least he's got a separate room. Gordon: Sandy Cohen, you're looking lovely tonight. If my date didn't look so hot, I might scope you out. Sandy: I'm jealous. Now, who is the lucky date? Julie Hi! Sorry I'm late. I owe you both big time. Kirsten: I'll make this up to you tonight. Gordon: I am so damn honored to be here with you and Kirsten for your recommitment ceremony. I am crying already. Come on, let's eat. At Roberts' Taylor: Wait until you see the Takeshi Kitano in my cat(alog) Roger: Battle Royale. Can't top it. Taylor: It's packed in its original packaging, so no gro...ping Summer. Che. Summer: Ta. Taylor. Taylor: Roger, Summer. Che. Che: Roger. Taylor: Summer. Che.What are you doing? Summer: Well, I live here again, so I moved some of your stuff to the guest room Taylor: ahuh. Are you two handcuffed to each other? Che: As a matter of fact, we are. taylor: Summer Roberts, you've learned a few things from that college roommate of yours. When'd Seth arrive? Summer: Ill, no, it's not like that. In fact, don't talk to him He's not here. Che: Ignoring me is not gonna make me away. Summer: How about killing you? Taylor: Okay, to which guest room did you move my things? Summer: I'll show u ! Taylor: what was that? Summer: Get... [SCENE_BREAK] Brad: These things weigh a ton. Kaitlin: That's why you're pushing, not me. Summer: Kaitlin, what is going on? Kaitlin: Just having a few friends over to my house. Summer: It's my house. Taylor: I think you cannot have a party. Your mother left me in charge. Summer: Actually, she left me in charge. Che: If you want, Kaitlin, is it? I'd be more than happy to entertain your guests with some festiv tribal music. The didgerid used in the car. You'll love the didge. We're friends again ? Okay, freak. Kaitlin: Summer, why is this guy handcuffed to your wrist? Summer: No, there's no one handcuffed to my wrist. He doesn't exist. Kaitlin: Also kind of feaky. Okay. You guys hurry up. I got to tap these kegs because we're running out of time. Summer: What? Kaitlin: This way Taylor: Kaitlin! Roger?! Poolhouse Seth: You won't believe your eyes. Ride with me, Ryan. So the good news is, my frequent-flier miles just reached platinum. The bad news is, they don't change the in-flight movie, and Failure to Launch does not hold up on the third viewing. Ryan: What are you doing here? Seth: Summer got kicked out of school and I'm about to head over there. Ryan: Can I come with you? Seth: I appreciate your interest in Summer's future, but I think this is a conversation that's just for the two of us. Ryan: Is Taylor going to be there? Seth: I assume so. Ryan: I like her. Seth: Say what now? Why would you even think that? Ryan: Because I keep imagining her on roller skates and washing windows with a big bucket of soapy water. Seth: Dude, your fantasies are so pedestrian. A sudsy girl? That's... so average. Ryan: Doesn't mean it's not hot. Seth: I guess they call them classics for a reason. Ryan: Do you want to drive or sh-should I? At Roberts' Brad: Again! Taylor: Okay, game night! Who wants to play Pictionary, huh? Come on, guys, get high on life! Hey! Hey! Cut it out! I tan on this chair. Che: Hey, if you are going to consummate your union, be safe. Summer: Out of my way, wasteoid. Che: Hey, stay alive. Don't drink and drive. Summer: Che, shut up! Taylor: Where's Kaitlin? Brad: Again! Kaitlin: You guys, your seven minutes is up. And I'm next. It's Connor. Olivia: Oh, Riley's gonna die. I mean, it's bad enough you didn't go to her party. Connor: She doesn't have to know. Come on, Kaitlin. Olivia: Oh... Oh, my gosh. Connor: Whoo!You're so hot. Why don't I ever see you around school? Kaitlin: 'Cause I don't really like school. Connor: Huh. Kaitlin: So are we going to make out or what? 'Cause the clock is kind of ticking. Connor: Or we could talk more. I mean... Yeah, you seem really interesting. Kaitlin: I'm not. Let's make out. Are you afraid to cheat on Riley? Connor: No. I don't even like her. Kaitlin: So what's the problem? Are you... gay? Connor: What? No! I don't, I don't, I don't think so. Kaitlin: Sweetheart, you're so gay. At the restaurant Gordon: I know the Jews are good with numbers and lending stuff. Sandy: Now, there's a generalization that's not even remotely offensive. Gordon: Well, hold on there, He-bro. It's just, if you all control the media, why does everyone know? Why not use the media to say someone else controls it? It would cause a lot less resentment that way. Kirsten: You know, we should talk about something else. Dinner was delicious. Gordon: Like you ate! Oh, I know what they say "Eat light on Saturday night." Less food in the stomach for the booze. Julie: Bullet, Kirsten doesn't drink. Kirsten: Time for bed. I have a headache. Gordon: Uh-oh! I guess she doesn't do that either. Sandy: Thank you, Gordon. Your point of view regarding the Middle East is something I will treasure forever. Gordon: It was Iran-Iraq war. Whoever loses, we win. Sandy: Honey, let's see if we can cancel our room. Kirsten: Sounds like a plan. Good night, Julie. Julie: Good night. Sandy: Good night. Gordon: What about their wedding vows? Julie: That was a lie, Bullet. Told to avoid you, because you are an ignorant buffoon. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try and salvage my friendship with Sandy and Kirsten. Gordon: You want some more coffee? At Roberts' Ryan: Let's split up. Seth: All right, good luck. Ryan: You, too. Taylor? Taylor? Taylor: Ryan? Ryan: Roger, hey. Uh, keep doing what you're doing. I was looking for Taylor, but clearly she's... Connor: Who's Taylor? Is this your boyfriend? Ryan: Uh, Taylor isn't in there with you guys, is she? Roger: No. Ryan: Okay. What are you doing, man? Um, I mean, I think Taylor really likes you, and you're kindof leading her on. Roger: I barely even know her. She told me if I pretended to like her, she'd give me her Kitano action figure. It's extremely rare. Ryan: Wait, she paid you to pretend to like her? That sounds like Taylor. All right, well, uh... carry on. [SCENE_BREAK] Che: Well, well, well. Looks like you finally crawled out of your cave. Seth, perhaps with your presence, we could broker some peace. Seth: What are you doing here, Sandals? Ruining Summer's life at Brown wasn't enough? Summer: Cohen, you're here! Seth: Yeah. Now I want to see what this guy's got to say for himself. Summer: Please, Seth. Che: Summer and I are on a journey together. Seth: Huh? Che: A journey towards the truth. You're on a journey... Seth: ...to the pool. Summer: What? What? No! Cohen! [SCENE_BREAK] Riley: No one came to my party. Kaitlin: So you dress like a ho for no reason? Riley: I changed before I came here. Kaitlin: Oh. Riley: Look, you win, okay? I'll... I'll serve your command. The school is yours. Kaitlin: Except that I don't want it. Just be nicer to your friends. Riley: Oh. Kaitlin: Connor's totally gay. Hi, 911? Yeah, I'd like to report a totally lame partyer. [SCENE_BREAK] Che: I'm a worthless coward, and you're a glorious martyr. Seth: Sorry, I didn't realize about the hand cuffs. Summer: Well, you know, it's all Che's fault. Che: It's my fault. Just know I hate myself more than you could ever hate me. Summer: I'm capable of a lot of hate. Seth: It's true. Che: You're my best friend, Summer. All those other kids, they only joined the cause so it'd look good on their grad school applications. But you, but you really believed in the good we were doing. Summer: We did a lot of good. Che: I let you down, I know. I'm sorry. Summer: I liberated those bunnies because I believed that they should be set free. I knew the consequences if I got caught. Look, I can't spend my whole life blaming you, so I accept your apology. Seth: With an asterisk next to it. And there's a footnote at the bottom. And it says you don't deserve it. Che: Yeah. You're so much more enlightened than I could ever hope to be. I think I need to blow my nose. Summer: No, you... Could you unlock us first? Che: Okay. I guess now we are free to take our own paths. Seth: Yours leads toward the airport. Che: Yeah, okay, yeah. I should be going. You ready, Dalton? Dalton: Your bags are packed, Winchester. Summer: Winchester? Winchester? Che: Why do they think they call me Che? Dalton: Your father's G-4 is waiting on the tarmac. Summer: I thought you grew up on a reservation. Che: It was a reservation-- a beautiful reservation-- Before it became a family compound that's all gated. My dad owns a pharmaceutical company and some factories in Mexico. Summer: Well, I guess every kid finds a way to rebel against their parents. Che: Good-bye, Caterpillar. And defender of Caterpillar's honor. Not much staying, brother. Seth: So he was a liar, a coward and a hypocrite. At least he had depth. Summer: I guess I am really back home again. Seth: Which is great, except now I have to leave. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Taylor? Taylor: Ryan. Ryan: What are you doing? Taylor: Someone wrote I love poop on this poor boy's face. You know, that kind of thing can scar you for life. Ryan: No, what are you doing paying your gay friend Roger to pretend he's in love with you? Taylor: Well, what if I did, hmm? What if I did rent a homosexual for the evening? And pay him with rare collectibles from Asian cinema? What difference does it make to you? Ryan: Well, it's a little strange. Taylor: Well, so am I. Which is why you ran away from me last night. Ryan: No, it wasn't 'cause you're strange. Taylor: You don't find me strange? Ryan: No, I do, but that's not why I took off. Look, I'm not really ready for a relationship right now or a girlfriend. Taylor: Uh... girlfriend? Cart, horse? Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself there? Well, I mean, just because I want to use your body as a jungle gym, doesn't mean that we have to get married. Ryan: I see. Taylor: I mean, my divorce papers aren't even dry yet. Look, you're a sweet, smart, great guy, Ryan Atwood. And hot. Did I mention hot? So whatever happens, happens. Ryan: Taylor, that's... Taylor: Normal? Ryan: Yeah. Taylor: Yeah, I have my moments. You know, this is my first high school bash. Have you ever played Seven Minutes in Heaven? At the restaurant Julie: Thanks to you, Sandy and Kirsten are packed and on the road. Gordon: I'm sorry, Julie. When God was handing out brains, I guess I was sitting on the toilet. I swear you make me all nervous inside. Julie: So you only act like a bigot and a sexist pig around me? Gordon: No, I just feel worse about it when you're around. You're such a classy and elegant dame. Julie: Well, that is true. Gordon: Look, I was trying so hard to make you laugh, and I know what a hard time you've been through, and I... it just came out all wrong. Julie: I appreciate that, Gordon. Gordon: I guess you're heading on home now, too, huh? Julie: Are you kidding? I put the room on the company card. I've got a mud bath in the morning. Gordon: So, since I ruined dinner, how about breakfast? Julie: Breakfast? Okay. Gordon: So, uh, should I call you or nudge you? Bang. That was funny. You have a pretty smile. My job is to get you to use it more. Julie: Then you're going to need better material. Gordon: Well, I am working on it. 'Night, Julie. At Cohen's Sandy: Can't we be left alone? Kirsten: It's probably Julie. She felt terrible. Sandy: Well, I bet she did. She spent the night with the Bullet. Man: Hello, I was told you two are renewing your vows? I'm a justice of the peace, here to preside over the ceremony. Kirsten: Oh, I'm sorry, that was an excuse. Sandy: Yeah, we didn't call for anyone. Man: I was hired by a Gordon Bullet. At the restaurant Julie: Hello. Spencer: Julie. Hey, it's Spencer. I just wanted to, uh, call and say thanks. I had a great night. Julie: I would assume so, it's pretty late. Spencer: I'll, uh, give you your cut when you get back into town. Julie: My cut? Spencer, you pay to join the service. Your date doesn't pay you. That... that's illegal. You're not a gigolo. Spencer: Right. Open phone line. Got it, my bed. Anyway, you got yourself one satisfied customer. See ya. Julie: Spencer, wait... Spencer? Pam: I wish. But it's probably for the best. I am tin roof rusted. Julie: Pam ! So you had a good night? Pam: Worth every penny. And I'll be telling all my friends. Julie: And what will you be telling them exactly? At Roberts' Taylor: Okay, seven minutes are up. You said you wanted to take it slow. Ryan: Yeah, well, I don't think eight minutes would be rushing. Nine seems like a good pace. And ten is a nice, round number. At Roberts' - Summer's bedroom Seth: Just let try long-distance thing again. I've got a lotof frequent-flier miles, and we survived one semester apart. Summer: Yeah, barely. Seth: Why don't you move to Providence with me and get a job. Summer: Oh, right. You'll be in school and I'll be slinging baba ganoush on Third Street, while all the kids are living the life that I should be having. Seth: Well, you know, I've really been enjoying home lately. Ryan's back and I've been bonding with the Newpsies. Maybe, uh, I could put off RISD for a semester. We could both go back together in the fall. Summer: You'd really put off college for me? Seth: Rhode Island is a big place. Better we tackle it together. Summer: Cohen, Rhode Island's the smallest state in the country. Seth: I was kidding. Summer: Right. There's just one more thing. This is Pancakes. Pancakes is very important to me. Seth: Then you can hold it. I'm not really an animal person. Summer: Cohen, Pancakes is my daughter, or my son, I'm not really sure. Seth: Oh... Oh, he's your son. Summer: He kind of looks like you, Cohen. Feel how soft he is. Seth: Yeah. He's beautiful. Summer: Take a look around, Pancakes. This is your new home. Seth: What's the life span of one of these things? Summer: Hey ! Seth: I'm just curious.I'm asking. Summer: Infinity. End of the episode.

Plan: A: Seth; Q: Who leaves Newport to visit Summer at Brown? A: Che; Q: Who does Seth run into? A: Harbor recognition; Q: What does Kaitlin try to gain by throwing a party? A: Julie; Q: Who learns NewMatch is no longer just a dating service? Summary: Seth leaves Newport to visit Summer at Brown but runs into Che. Sandy and Kirsten try to find an opportunity to bond with Ryan. Kaitlin attempts to gain Harbor recognition by throwing a party. Meanwhile, Julie learns NewMatch is no longer just a dating service.

RECAP OF "THE HUNGRY EARTH" [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan "Cold Blood" by Chris Chibnall Producer Peter Bennett Director Ashley Way [SCENE_BREAK] SPACE The Earth spins on its axis. ELDANE: (V.O.) This is the story of our planet, Earth, of the day 1,000 years past when we came to share it with a race know as Humanity. It is the story of the Doctor who helped our races find common ground and the terrible losses he suffered. It is the story of our past and must never be forgotten. SILURIAN CITY, CAVERN The DOCTOR and NASREEN are walking along pathways in a cavern above molten magma and past buildings. DOCTOR: This place is enormous and deserted. The majority of the race are probably still asleep. (takes out sonic screwdriver) We need to find Amy, looking for heat signature anomalies. NASREEN: But, Doctor, how can all this be here? I mean, these plants. SILURIAN CITY, TUNNEL DOCTOR: Must be getting closer to the centre of the city. NASREEN: You're sure this is the best way to enter? DOCTOR: Front door approach! Definitely. Always the best way... An alarm sounds and a female voice is heard over a speaker system. TANNOY: Hostile life force detected, area 17. The DOCTOR and NASREEN stop. DOCTOR: Apart from the back door approach, that's also good, (turns around) sometimes better. TANNOY: Hostile life force detected, area 17. A door slides open in front of NASREEN. NASREEN: Doctor! Armed Silurian soldiers come through the door as the warning repeats. More arrive through the tunnel behind them. The DOCTOR raises his hands. DOCTOR: We're not hostile, we're not armed! (pulls up NASREEN's arm) We're here in peace! The Silurians shoot gas from their weapons. The DOCTOR and NASREEN fall to the floor, unconscious. SILURIAN CITY, LAB The Silurian doctor, MALOKEH approaches AMY as she struggles. AMY: Don't you come near me with that! MALOKEH lowers his mask, revealing his face, and turns on a recording device. MALOKEH: From the clothing, the human female appears to be more resistant to the cold than the male. AMY: I dressed for Rio! MO: Leave her alone! You got me! MALOKEH takes a small device from his pocket and presses a button. Clamps lock into place at AMY'S wrists. MALOKEH: Decontamination complete. Commencing dissection. (gets ready to start) TANNOY: Area 17 incursion, species diagnostic requested. Area 17 incursion, species diagnostic requested. MALOKEH sighs and leaves the lab. AMY: Yeah! And stay out! After MALOKEH is gone, AMY looks down at her hand where she is holding the device. She presses the button and frees herself before going to MO. MO: How did you get that? AMY: You never picked a lizard man's pocket? Come on, before he gets back. SILURIAN CITY, TUNNEL MO: That creature, do you think it was an alien? Any more of them do you think? Do you think the Earth's been invaded? AMY: Don't know. But I know someone who could have some answers. We need to get back to the surface and find him. (stops at a door) I wonder where this leads. MO: Maybe it's a way out of here. AMY puts her hand on the panel next to the door. MO looks inside as the lights come on and sees ELLIOT. The boy is attached to wires, in some sort of stasis. MO: Oh, my God, no. AMY: What is it? MO: (tries to force door) It's my son. It's Elliot. What've they done to him? AMY looks through the window as MO tries the panel at the door. MO: No! He's in there! We have to get him out! Elliot! Elliot, it's Dad! TANNOY: Access denied. Unauthorised genetic imprint. AMY: (holds MO'S arms) Seriously. We can't get in. MO: That's my boy in there! AMY: These screens, they're monitoring something. I think they're vital signs - heartbeats, pulses. Why else would he be wired up? He's still alive. MO: All right. We find weapons, get that creature from the lab and force it to release Elliot, yeah? AMY: Yeah, trust me we'll get him out. They continue down the tunnel. The light in ELLIOT'S room goes out. EXT. GRAVEYARD, DAY AMBROSE is kneeling on the ground, holding ELLIOT'S headphones. RORY joins her. RORY: Ambrose. AMBROSE: You lied. You told us you were the police. RORY: It was a misunderstanding... AMBROSE: Who are you? You and the Doctor? Why is this happening to us? What did we ever do? RORY: The Doctor'll get your son back, I promise. In the meantime, we take turns guarding the creature. AMBROSE: So that's it? We sit and wait. RORY: And then we exchange her for your family. I promise you Ambrose, I'd trust the Doctor with my life. We stick to his plan. We keep that creature safe. SILURIAN CITY, LAB The DOCTOR is clamped down like AMY and MO had been. He is crying out in pain as a machine scans him. A female Silurian, warrior class, questions MALOKEH. FEMALE: How can they have escaped? This proves all prisoners should remain under military guard. MALOKEH: I'm sure you'd prefer to be in charge of everything and everyone, Restac. But we rank the same. Is there any word from Alaya? RESTAC: No. (turns to watch the DOCTOR writhe in pain) MALOKEH: It's fine to show concern, you know. She's part of your gene-chain. I'm Decontaminating now. DOCTOR: Decontamination! No, no, no! (writhes in agony) INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY ALAYA is on the floor, meditating, when TONY walks in. ALAYA: Why aren't you dead? You're carrying my venom in your blood. But you should have died. Why aren't you dead? Show me. TONY walks forward, unbuttoning his shirt. He pulls it open to show the contaminated area. ALAYA: (hisses in pleasure) How does it feel, ape? TONY: Like it's burning in my blood. Please. If you help me, I can help you. If you could cure me, I could help you escape. ALAYA: You see? You beg, and offer betrayal, so early! Why would I want to escape when I can watch you die? The first ape death of the coming war. (returns to her meditation) SILURIAN CITY, LAB The DOCTOR is still undergoing decontamination. MALOKEH: It's all right. It won't harm you. I'm only neutralising all your ape bacteria. DOCTOR: I'm not an ape! Look at the scans! Two hearts! Totally different! Totally not ape! Remove all human germs, you remove half the things keeping me alive. MALOKEH checks the scans and then shuts down the machine. RESTAC: No, complete the process. DOCTOR: Oh, that's much better, thanks! Not got any celery, have you? No, no, not really the climate, tomatoes, though, you'd do a roaring trade in those. I'm the Doctor, oh, and there's Nasreen, good! MALOKEH has gone over to examine NASREEN. NASREEN: (wakes) Oh, a green man. DOCTOR: Hello, who are you? RESTAC: Restac. Military commander. DOCTOR: Oh, dear, really? There's always a military, isn't there? MALOKEH: Your weapon was attacking the oxygen pockets above our city. DOCTOR: Oxygen pockets! Lovely! Oooh, but not so good with an impending drill! Now it makes sense! MALOKEH nods and continues to examine NASREEN. RESTAC: Where is the rest of your invasion force? DOCTOR: Invasion force? Me and lovely Nasreen? No! We came for the humans you took. And...to offer the safe return of Alaya. Oh, wait, you and she, what is it, same genetic source? Of course you're worried, but don't be, she's safe. RESTAC: You claim to come in peace, but you hold one of us hostage. RESTAC motions for soldiers to take position by the DOCTOR and NASREEN DOCTOR: Wait, wait, we all want the same thing here. RESTAC: I don't negotiate with apes. (to MALOKEH) I'm going to send a clear message to those on the surface. DOCTOR: What's that? RESTAC: Your execution. DOCTOR: Yes... SILURIAN CITY, TUNNEL AMY and MO are exploring and come across a chamber with glass-covered alcoves on either side. AMY: These chambers are all over the city. AMY puts her hand over a sensor and the alcoves light up, showing masked warriors inside. MO steps back in surprise. MO: Uh! Turn it off quick! AMY puts her hand on the sensor again and the lights go off. MO: They're not moving. AMY: Maybe they're asleep. Let's have another look. MO: No, Amy, don't! This time the doors slide open. AMY cautiously walks into one. MO: Amy, what are you doing? Get out of there. AMY: (whisper) Some sort of suspended animation. (notices they are standing on small round discs) I wonder what these are. The Doctor would know. The Doctor always knows. MO: (looking up) Hey, look. AMY looks as well as sees a chute above each container. AMY: Wait... I've got it. It's how they came up to the surface. Some sort of powered transport discs. It's our way out of here. MO: Even better, weapons. (takes the gun from the soldier) Come on, now we can fight back. AMY takes one as well. They close the containers. MO: Which way now? AMY: Door at the end. MO: Are you sure? AMY: Nope! They continue down the tunnel and through another sliding door. Below them is a large chamber filled with soldiers in suspended animation. MO: Wow. AMY: Yeah. MO: We don't stand a chance. AMY: We have to find the Doctor. They leave the chamber. INT. CHURCH, DAY TONY searches a closet until he finds a first-aid kit and pulls out a bottle of aspirin. AMBROSE: Dad, are you all right? Dad! TONY: Ambrose, I'm fine! Leave me alone. (stumbles) AMBROSE: (helps him sit) You are not fine. Let me... Let me look. (reaches out) TONY: (bats her hand away) Get off! AMBROSE: (determined) Let me look. (unbuttons shirt) Oh, my God, Dad. TONY: I don't know what's happening to me. AMBROSE: It's going to be fine. First thing is bring this temperature down, get you resting. (leaves) SILURIAN CITY The DOCTOR and NASREEN are being escorted through the city, in a section that most likely acts like a park. DOCTOR: These must be the only ones awake, the others must still be in hibernation. NASREEN: So, why did they go into hibernation in the first place? DOCTOR: Their astronomers predicted a planet heading to Earth on a crash course. They a built life underground and put themselves to sleep for millennia in order to avert what they thought was the apocalypse. When in reality, it was the moon, coming into alignment with the Earth. RESTAC stops and looks at the DOCTOR. MALOKEH: How can you know that? DOCTOR: Long time ago, I met another tribe of homo reptilia, similar, but not identical. RESTAC: Others of our species have survived? DOCTOR: The humans attacked them. They died, I'm sorry. RESTAC: A vermin race. The escort continues. INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY AMBROSE comes down the stairs AMBROSE: What's the cure? ALAYA: What? AMBROSE: I saw what you've done to my dad. What's the cure? ALAYA: Why would I tell you? AMBROSE: Cos if you don't, I'm going to have to use this on you. (holds up a taser) ALAYA: Now you reveal yourselves. AMBROSE: First you take my son, now you hurt my dad. I'm just protecting my family here. That's all. I don't want to use it. I want you to put things right. ALAYA: Use it. AMBROSE: What? ALAYA: Use it on me. But you're too afraid. (walks up to AMBROSE) A woman who can't even protect her own child must be too weak to... (walks into the taser and falls to her knees with a shriek) AMBROSE: I didn't want to do that. Are you all right? Tell me, what's the cure for my dad? ALAYA: He's vermin. He deserves a painful death. AMBROSE: I'm giving you a chance. ALAYA: I knew it would be you. The one with the most to lose, the weakest. AMBROSE puts the taser to ALAYA'S chest and the Silurian shudders and falls to the floor. INT. CHURCH, DAY RORY tends to TONY. RORY: I'm a nurse, you should've told me. They hear screaming in the distance. INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY RORY and TONY rush down the stairs to see ALAYA lying on the floor, wheezing. AMBROSE is standing there, taser in her hand. RORY rushes to ALAYA to see if there is anything he can do. TONY: Ambrose... What've you done? AMBROSE: She kept taunting me about Mo and Elliot and you. TONY: We have to be better than this! (takes the taser from her) AMBROSE: She wouldn't tell me anything. I thought sooner or later, she'd give in. I would've done. I just... I just want my family back, Dad. RORY: I'm sorry. How do we help you? Tell us what to do. ALAYA: I knew this would come. And soon the war. RORY: You're not dying. I'm not going to let you, not today... ALAYA moans and then dies. SILURIAN CITY, COURT RESTAC and MALOKEH enter the courtroom followed by the soldiers escorting the DOCTOR and NASREEN. MALOKEH: You're not authorised to do this! RESTAC: I'm authorised to protect the safety of our species while they sleep. DOCTOR: Oh, lovely place, very gleaming. RESTAC: This is our court and our place of execution. AMY enters through another door, aiming her gun at RESTAC. AMY: Let them go! DOCTOR: Amy Pond, there's a girl to rely on. MO enters through the main door. AMY: You're covered both ways, so don't try anything clever, buster. NASREEN: Mo! AMY: Now let them go, or I shoot. (RESTAC moves closer) I'm warning you! RESTAC takes the gun from AMY, pushing her to the ground. DOCTOR: Don't you touch her! RESTAC: And you. Soldiers approach MO and he gives up his gun. MALOKEH: All right, Restac. You've made your point. RESTAC: (walks up to MALOKEH) This is now a military tribunal. Go back to your laboratory, Malohkeh. One of the soldiers jabs MALOKEH in the back. MALOKEH: (looks at AMY) This isn't the way. (leaves) RESTAC: Prepare them for execution. The DOCTOR, AMY, NASREEN and MO are tied to pillars. AMY: OK, sorry, as rescues go, didn't live up to its potential. DOCTOR: I'm glad you're OK. AMY: Me too! Lizard men, though! DOCTOR: Homo reptilia... They occupied the planet before humans. Now they want it back. NASREEN: After they've wiped out the human race. AMY: Right, preferred it when I didn't know, to be honest. The soldiers have lined up like a firing squad. NASREEN: Why are they waiting? What do you think they're going to do with us? INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY RORY, TONY and AMBROSE stand in the basement not knowing what to do. AMBROSE: I didn't know it would go like that, Dad. TONY: Oh, my little girl, what have you done? (hugs AMBROSE) AMBROSE: What happens now? There is a buzzing electrical sound and the lights flash. An old computer monitor flares to life. It is RESTAC. AMBROSE: Oh, my God. RESTAC: (over monitor) 'Who is the ape leader?' AMBROSE: It's them. How are they doing that? How do they know that we're in here? (covers ALAYA'S body with a tarp) RESTAC: (over monitor) 'Who speaks for the apes?' The three humans look at each other. TONY: (to RORY) Don't tell them what's happened. SILURIAN CITY, COURT We see RESTAC'S view of the church basement as a large projection in the middle of the room. RORY steps forward. RORY: (over projection) I speak for the... humans. Some of us, anyway. INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY RESTAC: (over monitor) 'Do you understand who we are?' RORY: Sort of. A bit. Not really. RESTAC: (over monitor) 'We have ape hostages.' The view zooms out to show the hostages toed to the pillars. SILURIAN CITY, COURT RORY: (over projection) Doctor! Amy! (rushes towards the screen) AMBROSE: (over projection) Mo! 'Mo, are you OK?' INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY MO: (over monitor) 'I'm fine, love! I've found Elliot. I'm bringing him home!' SILURIAN CITY, COURT RORY: (over projection) 'Amy! I thought I'd lost you!' AMY: Maybe they're asleep. Let's have another look. INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY AMY: (over monitor) 'What, cos I was sucked into the ground? You're so clingy.' NASREEN: (over monitor) 'Tony Mack!' TONY: Having fun down there? DOCTOR: (over monitor) 'Not to interrupt, but just a quick reminder to stay calm.' RESTAC: (over monitor) 'Show me Alaya. 'Show me and release her, immediately, unharmed, or we kill your friends...' SILURIAN CITY, COURT RESTAC: ... one by one. AMBROSE: (over projection) 'No!' INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY RORY: Ambrose... DOCTOR: (over monitor) 'Steady now, everyone.' SILURIAN CITY, COURT TONY: (over projection) 'Ambrose, stop it!' AMBROSE: (over projection) 'Get off me, Dad!' INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY AMBROSE: We didn't start this! SILURIAN CITY, COURT DOCTOR: Let Rory deal with this Ambrose, eh! INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY AMBROSE: We're not doing what you say any more. Now, give me back my family! Everyone waits tensely for RESTAC'S reply SILURIAN CITY, COURT The DOCTOR and AMY exchange glances. INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY RESTAC: (over monitor) 'No. Execute the girl.' The camera angle changes to show the soldiers moving AMY. RORY: (pushes AMBROSE aside) No! No, wait! AMY: (over monitor) 'Rory!' SILURIAN CITY, COURT RORY: (over projection) 'She's not speaking for us!' AMY is pushed to the center of the room in front of the soldiers. DOCTOR: There's no need for this... RORY: (over monitor) Listen! Listen! Whatever you want... we'll do it! RESTAC: Aim. RORY: (over monitor) Amy! AMY: Rory! DOCTOR: Don't do this! INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY RORY: No! They lose the connection and the screen shows static. SILURIAN CITY, COURT RESTAC: Fire! AMY closes her eyes. MALE: Stop! MALOKEH enters with a Silurian elder, ELDANE. ELDANE: You want to start a war, while the rest of us sleep, Restac? RESTAC: The apes are attacking us! ELDANE: You're our protector, not our commander, Restac. Unchain them. RESTAC: I do not recognize your authority at this time, Eldane. ELDANE: Well, then, you must shoot me. Frustrated, RESTAC approaches MALOKEH RESTAC: You woke him to undermine me. MALOKEH: We're not monsters. And neither are they. RESTAC: What is it about apes you love so much? Mmm? MALOKEH: While you slept, they've evolved. I've seen it for myself. RESTAC: We used to hunt apes for sport. When we came underground, they bred and polluted this planet. ELDANE: Shush now, Restac. Go and play soldiers. I'll let you know if I need you. RESTAC: You'll need me, then we'll see. INT. CHURCH BASEMENT, DAY RORY hits the monitor, trying to get the connection back. RORY: Nothing! I've got to get down there. (starts to walk away) DOCTOR: (over monitor) 'Rory! (the picture comes back) Hello!' RORY: Where's Amy? DOCTOR: (over monitor) 'She's fine, look, here, she is.' (moves aside so RORY can see) RORY: Oh, thank God. AMY: (over monitor) 'Keeping you on your toes!' DOCTOR: (over monitor) 'No time to chat. Listen, you need to get down here... Go to the drill storeroom, there's a large patch of earth in the middle of the floor. The Silurians are going to send up transport discs to bring you back down using geothermal energy and gravity bubble-technology. It's how they travel and frankly it's pretty cool. Bring Alaya. We hand her over, we can land this after all. All going to work, promise. Got to dash! Hurry up!' (signal ends) TONY: The moment we get down there, everything will fall apart. RORY: We have to return her. They deserve at least that. SILURIAN CITY, COURT Peace talks have begun. AMY and NASREEN are seated on one side of the table with ELDANE on the other. The DOCTOR, MO and MALOKEH are standing. DOCTOR: I'd say, you've got a fair bit to talk about. ELDANE: How so? DOCTOR: You both want the planet. You both have a genuine claim to it. ELDANE: (to DOCTOR) Are you authorised to negotiate on behalf of humanity? DOCTOR: Me? No! But they are! NASREEN: What?! AMY: No, we're not! DOCTOR: Course you are! Amy Pond and Nasreen Chaudhry, speaking for the planet! (stands behind them) Humanity couldn't have better ambassadors. Come on, who has more fun than us? (moves to the opposite end of the table) AMY goes over to him. AMY: Is this what happens, in the future, the planet gets shared? Is that what we need to do? NASREEN hears them and walks over. NASREEN: What are you talking about? DOCTOR: Oh, Nasreen, sorry, probably worth mentioning at this stage, Amy and I travel in time, a bit. NASREEN: Anything else? DOCTOR: There are fixed points through time, where things must always stay the way they are. This is not one of them. This is an opportunity, a temporal tipping point. Whatever happens today, will change future events, create its own timeline, its own reality. The future pivots around you. Here. Now. So do good. For humanity, and for Earth. AMY: Right. No pressure there, then. (heads back to the table) NASREEN: We can't share the planet. Nobody on the surface is going to go for this idea. It is just too big a leap! DOCTOR: Come on. Be extraordinary. NASREEN: Oh...you... (sits back at the table) DOCTOR: OK. (slaps the table) Bringing things to order - the first meeting of representatives of the human race and homo reptilian is now in session. Ha! Never said that before, that's fab! Carry on! (points) Now, Mo, let's go and get your son. (walks towards MO and the door) Oh, you know, humans, and their predecessors, shooting the breeze. Never thought I'd see it. INT. DRILL SITE, DAY RORY gently places ALAYA'S body on the ground. Four "discs" are waiting for them. TONY: So we get on those, and they take us down through the Earth? RORY: Geothermal gravity bubbles, or something. AMBROSE: They sent four. She was our only bargaining chip. RORY: We have to hand her back. AMBROSE: Wait. Before we go down, there's something I've got to do... Dad, I need your help. AMBROSE leads TONY to the side of the room. We only get part of the conversation. TONY is arguing against her idea. TONY: No! No way. AMBROSE: Please, Dad... just a precaution. TONY: I've told you, I won't do it. AMBROSE: Look at what they did to you! TONY: This isn't about me or you. AMBROSE: No, it's about your grandson. If you won't do it for me, do it for Elliot. I know I did wrong. But I can't lose him, Dad. (leaves) SILURIAN CITY, TUNNEL The DOCTOR, MO and MALOKEH are outside the room containing ELLIOT. DOCTOR: Elliot, there you are. MALOKEH uses the panel outside to revive ELLIOT. MO: If you've harmed him in any way... MALOKEH: Of course not! I only store the young. DOCTOR: But why? MALOKEH: I took samples of the young, slowed their lifecycles to a millionth of their normal rate. So I could study how they grew, what they needed, how they lived on the surface. DOCTOR: You've been down here, working by yourself, all alone? MALOKEH: My family, through the millennia... For the last 300 years, just me. (to MO) I never meant to harm your child. DOCTOR: Malohkeh, I rather love you. (fist bump) It's safe. We can wake him. MALOKEH enters the room and removes the "wires". MALOKEH: (beckons MO) Come. MALOKEH steps out. MO enters and stands before his son as he slowly blinks. MO: Elliot? Ell, it's Dad. ELLIOT: What...? Dad. Father and son hug. MO: You're safe now. ELLIOT: Where are we? MO: Well, I've got to be honest with you, son. We're in the centre of the Earth... and there are lizard men. ELLIOT looks to the doorway where he sees the DOCTOR and MALOKEH. ELLIOT: Wow. The DOCTOR enters the room. DOCTOR: Elliot, I'm sorry. I took my eye off you. ELLIOT: It's OK. I forgive you. (shake hands) They start down the hallway. MALOKEH: You go on, Doctor. I'll catch up. The DOCTOR, MO and ELLIOT continue on. MALOKEH keys in something on the panel. TANNOY: 'Storage facility 19 operational.' With a thoughtful look, MALOKEH heads in the opposite direction. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DRILL SITE, CONTROL ROOM, DAY TONY is sitting at the controls, hesitating. He then presses a button. SILURIAN CITY, COURT ELDANE, NASREEN and AMY are sitting at the table. ELDANE: We lived on the surface of the planet, long before you did. Our sole purpose has been to return to our rightful place. NASREEN: And we've got a planet that can't already sustain the people who live there. And you want to add a whole other species, to drain resources... ELDANE: (V.O.) 'As I sat there that day across the table from the humans the future of both species and of our beloved planet Earth rested in our hands, but as the discussions went on, I began to despair about whether we would ever find any common ground, as ambassadors for our species we all had too much to lose.' ELDANE brings up a projection of the Earth. AMY stands. AMY: So, erm, what about the areas that aren't habitable to us? Australian outback, Sahara desert, Nevada plains... They're all deserted. NASREEN tugs AMY down by her arm. NASREEN: Yes, fine, but what happens when their population grows and breeds and spreads? And anyway, what benefit does humanity get, and how would we ever sell this to people on the surface? ELDANE: If I could get a word in, maybe I could tell you. You give us space, we can bring new sources of energy, new methods of water supply, new medicines, scientific advances. We were a great civilisation. You provide a place for us on the surface, we'll give you knowledge and technology beyond humanity's dreams. We work together, this planet could achieve greatness. NASREEN: OK. Now I'm starting to see it. AMY: Oh, yeah. There is applause and they turn to see the DOCTOR clapping. With him are MO and ELLIOT. DOCTOR: Not bad for a first session. More similarities than differences. There is a whooshing sound. ELDANE: The transport has returned. Your friends are here. SILURIAN CITY, TUNNEL MALOKEH is walking through one of the tunnels and one of the sliding doors is already open. MALOKEH: That's not right. (steps forward and sees RESTAC reviving soldiers) What are you doing?! RESTAC: Protecting our race against the apes. MALOKEH: You can't do this! RESTAC: You're a good scientist, Malohkeh, but this is war. (shoots him) SILURIAN CITY, COURT RORY finds them. DOCTOR: Here they are. (waves) AMBROSE enters next. ELLIOT: (runs to AMBROSE) Mum! AMY: Rory! RORY'S mouth moves like he's trying to find the words. DOCTOR: Something's wrong... TONY enters carrying the shrouded body of ALAYA. AMY: Doctor, what's he carrying? The DOCTOR steps forward. DOCTOR: No. Don't do this. Tell me you didn't do this. TONY lays his burden on the floor. The DOCTOR squats down and pulls the cloth away from ALAYA'S face. Everyone gets a good look before he puts it back in place. The DOCTOR glares at TONY. DOCTOR: What did you do? AMBROSE: It was me. I did it. ELLIOT: Mum? AMBROSE: I just wanted you back. ELLIOT walks away from her. Everyone else looks at her with pity and shame. The DOCTOR walks up to ELDANE. DOCTOR: I'm sorry. I didn't know. You have to believe me, they're better than this. AMBROSE: This is our planet! DOCTOR: We had a chance here. AMBROSE: Leave us alone. The DOCTOR strides over to AMBROSE. DOCTOR: In future, when you talk about this, you tell people there was a chance but you were so much less than the best of humanity. Armed soldiers enter the room. RESTAC enters. RESTAC: My sister. (she sees the body, uncovers it and wails before gently replacing the shroud) And you want us to trust these apes, Doctor? DOCTOR: (wagging finger) One woman. She was scared for her family. She's not typical. RESTAC: (faces AMBROSE) I think she is. DOCTOR: (pleads with ELDANE) One person let us down. But there's a whole race of dazzling, peaceful human beings up there. You were building something, here, come on...an alliance could work. AMBROSE: It's too late for that, Doctor. The DOCTOR looks at AMBROSE questioningly. TONY runs a hand through his hair in frustration. DOCTOR: Why? AMBROSE: Our drill is set to start burrowing again in... (checks stopwatch) 15 minutes. NASREEN: What? TONY: What choice did I have? They had Elliot. DOCTOR: Don't do this, don't call their bluff. AMBROSE: Let us go back. And you promise to never come to the surface ever again. We'll walk away, leave you alone. RESTAC: Execute her!! DOCTOR: No! (pulls AMBROSE to safety as the soldiers fire) Everybody, back to the lab! Run! The humans run for the exit. RESTAC: Execute all the apes! The DOCTOR pulls out the sonic screwdriver and uses it on the guns, causing them to explode. DOCTOR: This is a deadly weapon - stay back. One of the soldiers approaches from the seats and lashes out at the DOCTOR with her tongue. He backs out of the way and runs out of the room. SILURIAN CITY, TUNNEL The humans run through the tunnel, the DOCTOR following. DOCTOR: (to RORY) Take everyone to the lab! (dodges a beam from a gun) I'll cover you! Go! Go! The DOCTOR takes a stand as the others run. RESTAC and her warriors arrive. The DOCTOR uses the sonic on their guns. DOCTOR: Ah-ah! Stop right there! Or I'll use my very deadly weapon again. One warning, that's all you get. If there can be no deal, you go back into hibernation. All of you. Now. This ends here. RESTAC: No. It only ends with our victory. DOCTOR: Like I said... one warning. He disables the last two guns and runs away. With a growl, RESTAC gives chase. SILURIAN CITY, LAB The DOCTOR uses the sonic screwdriver on the doors and they slide shut. DOCTOR: Elliot, you and your dad keep your eyes on that screen. Let me know if we get company. Amy, (tosses the stopwatch) keep reminding me how much time I haven't got. MO and ELLIOT watch the screen showing the tunnel outside. AMY: OK, 12 minutes till drill impact. TONY is sitting down, NASREEN standing next to him. DOCTOR: Tony Mack, sweaty forehead, dilated pupils, what're you hiding? Tony opens his shirt to show the infection has spread across his chest. NASREEN: Tony! What happened?! The DOCTOR uses the screwdriver as a scanner on the infected area. TONY: Alaya's sting. She said there's no cure. I'm dying, aren't I? The DOCTOR moves to the control panel and checks his readings. DOCTOR: You're not dying, you're mutating. How can I stop it? Decontamination program! Might work - don't know. Eldane, can you run the program on Tony? MO: Doctor, shedload of those creatures coming our way! We're surrounded in here! ELDANE helps TONY to the decontamination chamber as the DOCTOR speaks. DOCTOR: So, question is, how we do stop the drill, given we can't get there in time? Plus also, how do we get out, given that we're surrounded? Nasreen, how d'you feel about an energy pulse, channelled up through the tunnels to the base of the drill? NASREEN: To blow up my life's work? DOCTOR: Yes. Sorry. No nice way of putting that. NASREEN: Right, well, you're going to have to do it before the drill hits the city, in... AMY: 11 minutes, 40 seconds... DOCTOR: Yes! Squeaky bum time! NASREEN: Yes, but the explosion is going to cave in all the surrounding tunnels so we have to be on the surface by then. RORY: But we can't get past Restac's troops. ELDANE: I can help with that... Toxic Fumigation - an emergency failsafe meant to protect my species from infection. A warning signal to occupy cryo-chambers. After that, citywide fumigation, by toxic gas. Then the city shuts down. AMY: You could end up killing your own people. ELDANE: Only those foolish enough to follow Restac. DOCTOR: Eldane, are you sure about this? ELDANE: My priority is my race's survival. The Earth isn't ready for us to return yet. DOCTOR: No. AMY: 10 minutes, Doctor. DOCTOR: But maybe it should be. So here's the deal. Everybody listening? Eldane, you activate shutdown... I'll amend the system, set your alarm for 1,000 years' time. (ELDANE goes to the controls) 1,000 years, to sort the planet out. To be ready. Pass it on. As legend, or prophesy, or religion, but somehow, make it known. This planet is to be shared. ELLIOT: Yeah. I get you. AMY: Nine minutes, seven seconds. DOCTOR: (joins ELDANE at controls) Yes, fluid controls, my favourite! Energy pulse timed, primed and set. Before we go, energy barricade, need to cancel it out - quickly. (uses the sonic on the controls and barricade comes down) ELDANE: Fumigation pre-launching. RORY: There's not much time for us to get from here to the surface, Doctor! DOCTOR: Ah-ha, super-squeaky bum time! Get ready to run for your lives. Now... ELDANE: But the decontamination program on your friend hasn't started yet. Everyone looks to TONY in the chamber. TONY: Well, go. All of you! Go. AMBROSE: No, we're not leaving you here! ELLIOT: Granddad! (runs to TONY and hugs him) AMY: Eight minutes, 10 seconds. TONY: (to ELLIOT) Now you look after your mum. You mustn't blame her. She only did what she thought was right. ELLIOT: I'm not going to see you again, am I? TONY: I'll be here. (touches ELLIOT'S heart) Always. I love you, boy. (hugs him tightly)(to AMBROSE) You be sure he gets home safe! ELLIOT goes to MO who pulls him close. AMBROSE: This is my fault. TONY: No, I can't go back up there. I'd be a freak show. The technology down here's my only hope. (hugs AMBROSE) AMBROSE: I love you, Dad. TONY: Go. Go. Come on.. Go on. ELDANE activates the fumigation. TANNOY: Toxic fumigation initiated. SILURIAN CITY, TUNNEL TANNOY: Return to cryo-chambers. The soldiers with RESTAC head to the chambers. RESTAC: No! TANNOY: Toxic fumigation initiated. RESTAC: No! TANNOY: Return to cryo-chambers. RESTAC: This is not the order! SILURIAN CITY, LAB TANNOY: Toxic fumigation initiated.... AMY: They're going! We're clear! DOCTOR: OK. Everyone follow Nasreen. Look for a blue box. Get ready to run. (uses sonic on door and it slides open)(to ELDANE) I'm sorry. ELDANE: I thought for a moment, our race, and the humans... DOCTOR: Yeah. Me too. AMY: Doctor! We've got less than six minutes. DOCTOR: Go! Go! I'm right behind you! The others rush from the room. DOCTOR: (to NASREEN) Let's go. NASREEN: I'm not coming either. DOCTOR: What? SILURIAN CITY, TUNNEL AMBROSE, ELLIOT, MO, RORY and AMY run through the tunnels. AMY sees the DOCTOR isn't following. AMY: Oh, for goodness' sake! (she runs back) SILURIAN CITY, LAB NASREEN: (stands by TONY, hand on his arm) We're going to hibernate with them, me and Tony. ELDANE: Doctor, you must go! TONY: (looks at NASREEN) I can be decontaminated when we're woken. All the time in the world. DOCTOR: But... Nasreen... you... NASREEN: (walks to the DOCTOR) No. This is perfect. I don't want to go. I've got what I was digging for. I can't leave when I've only just found it. AMY: (runs in) Doctor! NASREEN: Thank you, Doctor. DOCTOR: The pleasure was all mine. (hugs her then grabs AMY"S hand and heads for the door) NASREEN: Come and look for us. The doors to the lab slide closed. SILURIAN CITY, TUNNEL As the alarm blares, the soldiers enter the cryo-chambers. ELDANE: (V.O.) So, the Doctor sent our warriors back to their rest on the promise of future harmony with humans. Fumes begin pumping through the tunnel and the larger chamber MO and AMY had discovered earlier. In a different tunnel, the DOCTOR and AMY meet up with RORY, running towards them. TANNOY: 'Immediate evacuation...' AMY: (to RORY) Other way, idiot! TANNOY: 'Toxic fumigation is about to commence.' SILURIAN CITY, LARGE CAVERN MO, ELLIOT and AMBROSE pause at the sight in front of them. The DOCTOR, AMY and RORY join them and keep running. The tannoy repeats its announcement. DOCTOR: Come on! SILURIAN CITY, TUNNEL They arrive in the tunnel where the TARDIS is. DOCTOR: No questions, just get in! And yes, I know it's big! (unlocks it and ushers the family inside) Ambrose, sickbay up the stairs, left, then left again... get yourself fixed up. Come on! Five minutes and counting... The DOCTOR stops when he sees the crack in the tunnel wall, the same crack from AMY'S childhood bedroom. DOCTOR: Not here. Not now. It's getting wider. AMY: The crack on my bedroom wall. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK to "The Eleventh Hour" The DOCTOR runs his fingers along the crack in the wall. DOCTOR: Two parts of space and time that should never have touched right here. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: (walks up to the wall and squats down) And the Byzantium. All through the universe - rips in the continuum. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK to "Flesh and Stone" AMY sees the crack in the wall of the Byzantium. AMY: How could it be following me? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Some sort of space-time cataclysm. An explosion, maybe. Big enough to put cracks in the universe. But what? (studies the crack, fascinated) AMY: (checks the stopwatch) Four minutes 50... We have to go! DOCTOR: The Angels laughed, when I didn't know. Prisoner Zero knew, everybody knows, except me! AMY: Doctor, just leave it. DOCTOR: But where there's an explosion, (pulls a red hankie from an inside pocket) there's shrapnel. (walks to the crack) RORY: Doctor, you can't put your hand in there! DOCTOR: Why not? The DOCTOR reaches in with the hand holding the hankie. He cries in pain as the light gets brighter. RORY and AMY watch nervously, not knowing what to do. DOCTOR: I've got something! AMY: What is it? The DOCTOR falls to the ground, clutching the item wrapped in the hankie. It sizzles with heat and energy. DOCTOR: I don't know. RORY: Doctor! A dying RESTAC crawls into the tunnel. The DOCTOR jumps up off the ground AMY: She was there, when the gas started... She must've been poisoned. RESTAC: You! DOCTOR: (to AMY and RORY) OK, get in the TARDIS, both of you. (reaches into a jacket pocket) RESTAC: You did this. (aims her gun) RORY: Doctor! (pushes the DOCTOR out of the way and is shot) AMY: Rory! RORY groans in pain on the ground. RESTAC dies. DOCTOR: Rory, can you hear me? (uses sonic on him) RORY: I don't understand. AMY: Shh-shh. Don't talk. (strokes his face) Doctor, is he OK? We have to get him into the TARDIS! RORY: We were on the hill. I can't die here. AMY: (tearful) Don't say that. RORY: You're so beautiful... I'm sorry. (dies) AMY: Doctor, help him. The DOCTOR looks towards the crack and sees tendrils of light reaching out, touching RORY'S feet. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK to "Flesh and Stone" The DOCTOR is on the primary flight deck, using the radio to talk to AMY. DOCTOR: If the time energy catches up with you, you'll never have been born. It will erase every moment of your existence. You will never have lived at all. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: (stands) Amy, move away from the light, if it touches you you'll be wiped from history. Amy, move away now. AMY: No! I am not leaving him! We have to help him! DOCTOR: (grips AMY gently by the shoulders) The light's already around him, we can't help him. AMY: I am not leaving him! DOCTOR: We have to. AMY: No! DOCTOR: Sorry! AMY: Get off me! DOCTOR: Sorry! (lifts her up and drags her to the TARDIS) AMY: Get off me! The DOCTOR pushes her inside the TARDIS. INT. TARDIS AMY: No! (rushes back to the door to get out) No! No! The DOCTOR uses the sonic on the door to prevent AMY from going outside. She shouts and pounds on the door. AMY: Let me out, please let me out... I need to get Rory. The DOCTOR walks determinedly to the console. AMY turns around, tears streaming down her cheeks. She sees the monitor. AMY: That light, if his body's absorbed I'll forget him. He'll never have existed. You can't let that happen. The DOCTOR pulls on a lever on the console. AMY: What are you doing? (runs to the console) Doctor! No! The TARDIS begins to dematerialize. SILURIAN CITY, TUNNEL As the TARDIS dematerializes, we see RORY'S body is wrapped in the light. INT. TARDIS AMY begins to beat her hands against the DOCTOR'S chest as he hugs her. AMY: No! No! Doctor, we can't just leave him there! DOCTOR: Keep him in your mind. Don't forget him. If you forget him, you'll lose him forever. AMY: On the Byzantium, I still remembered the Clerics because I am a time traveller, now you said. DOCTOR: (grips her head in his hands) They weren't part of your world. This is different...this is your own history changing. AMY: Don't tell me it's going to be OK. You have to make it OK. DOCTOR: It's going to be hard, but you can do it, Amy. (takes her to the jump seat and kneels in front of her) Tell me about Rory. Fantastic Rory, funny Rory, gorgeous Rory. Amy, listen to me. Do exactly as I say. Amy, please. Keep concentrating. You can do this. AMY: I can't. DOCTOR: You can. You can do it. I can't help you unless you do. Come on. We can still save his memory. Come on, Amy. Please... [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK to scenes of AMY and RORY together from "The Eleventh Hour", "The Hungry Earth" and "Vampires of Venice" [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on, Amy, come on. Amy, please. Don't let anything distract you. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK to scenes of AMY and RORY together from "Vampires of Venice", AMY and RORY in the park and his death. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Remember Rory. Keep remembering, Rory is only alive in your memory. You must keep hold of him. Don't let anything distract you. Rory still lives in your mind. The TARDIS jars upon materializing, knocking both of them to the floor. The box containing the engagement ring falls in front of the DOCTOR and he stares at it. AMY: (brightly) What were you saying? The DOCTOR can only stare at her. MO and ELLIOT walk down the stairs. MO: I have seen some things today, but this is beyond mad. AMY: (looks at stopwatch) Doctor! Five seconds till it all goes up! EXT. GRAVEYARD, DAY The TARDIS has materialized in the graveyard overlooking the drill site. They watch as it explodes. Later, ELLIOT, AMY and MO walk through the graveyard as the DOCTOR and AMBROSE stand at the entry to the church. AMY: All Nasreen's work just erased. MO: Good job she's not here to see it. She's going to give Tony hell when they wake up. AMBROSE: You could've let those things shoot me. You saved me. DOCTOR: An eye for an eye. It's never the way. Now you show your son how wrong you were. How there's another way. You make him the best of humanity... in the way you couldn't be. (looks at her with a gentle smile before leaving) EXT. TARDIS, DAY AMY: You're very quiet. Oh! Hey! Look! There I am again! Hello, me! (waves to her future self who is alone) DOCTOR: Are you OK? AMY: I thought I saw someone else there for a second. I need a holiday. Didn't we talk about Rio? DOCTOR: You go in. Just fix this lock, keeps jamming. (unlocks the door for her) AMY: You boys and your locksmithery. (enters and closes door) ELDANE: (V.O.) 'Now as my people awaken from their 1,000 year sleep ready to rise to the surface my thoughts turn back to the Doctor, the losses he suffered then and the greater loses that were still to come.' The DOCTOR unwraps the item he took from within the crack. It is a piece of something with words written on it, very familiar words. He holds it up to the TARDIS sign and it matches.

Plan: A: an observation chamber; Q: What is Elliot being held in? A: Elliot's mother Ambrose; Q: Who kills Alaya? A: ( Nia Roberts; Q: Who is the actress that plays Elliot's mother? A: Nasreen; Q: Who stays behind with Tony? A: Neve McIntosh; Q: Who played Restac? A: the execution; Q: What is stopped by the Silurian leader Eldane? A: Tony; Q: Who decides to stay behind with the Silurians? A: a transport; Q: What is sent up to the surface to free the Doctor and his friends? A: her people; Q: Who does Rory, Tony, and Ambrose return Alaya's body to? A: a thousand years; Q: How long will the Silurians hibernate? A: humanity; Q: What is not ready to share the Earth with the Silurians? A: his venom infection; Q: What does Tony stay behind to have treated? A: a crack; Q: What does the Doctor find in the cavern? A: existence; Q: What is Rory erased from? Summary: Amy and Mo escape and discover that Elliot is being held in an observation chamber. Elliot's mother Ambrose ( Nia Roberts ) kills Alaya in revenge for stealing Elliot. The Doctor, Amy, Mo and Nasreen are captured and ordered to be executed by Alaya's sister, Restac ( Neve McIntosh ), but the execution is stopped by the Silurian leader Eldane. The Doctor tells Rory, Tony, and Ambrose that they are sending a transport up for them and Alaya, which will free them all to return to the surface. Rory, Tony, and Ambrose return Alaya's body to her people. It is agreed that the Silurians will hibernate for a thousand years, since humanity is not ready to share the Earth with them. Tony decides to stay behind with the Silurians to have his venom infection treated, and Nasreen stays with him. As the Doctor leaves with Elliot and the other humans, they find a crack in the cavern. The Doctor reaches into it to investigate, and pulls out what is later revealed as a piece of the TARDIS. Before they leave, Restac shoots Rory dead; he is consumed by the crack, erasing him from existence (and Amy's memory).

Scene: The apartment. Leonard: The interface is pretty simple. You put your horizontal X coordinate here, vertical Y coordinate here. When you're happy with those, you press this button. Penny: Got it. Sheldon: Leonard, you'll never guess who I just found online. Hey! Leonard: Nice shot. Penny: Eh, his giant head did most of the work. Sheldon: Very mature. You're lucky I'm out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you'll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton. Leonard: You're kidding. He's still alive? Sheldon: Yes. Penny: Who's Professor Proton? Leonard: He was the host of this great... Hey! Penny: Yes! Sorry, tell me about Professor Proton. Sheldon: Professor Proton hosted my favourite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects. Leonard: It was pretty cool. Penny: Aw, so cute when you use the word cool wrong. Like when kids say pasghetti. Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He's still available for parties and events. We should hire him. Leonard: Hire him to do what? Sheldon: Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar. Leonard: It would be pretty awesome to hang out with him. I just used awesome wrong, didn't I? Sheldon: Well, I'm e-mailing him right now. Leonard: Do you remember his old theme song? Sheldon: Of course I do. Together: Grab your goggles, put your lab coat on, here he comes, Professor Proton. Credits sequence. Scene: The cafeteria. Raj: Hey, I just found out I have to be at the telescope lab all weekend. Any chance you and Bernadette could take care of my dog? Howard: Why don't you put her in a kennel? Raj: Why don't you put your mother in a home? Howard: To be honest, she'd do better in the kennel. I'll talk to Bernie. I'm sure it's fine. Raj: Thank you. Sheldon: It's happening. Leonard, it's happening. Professor Proton is coming to our house. Leonard: You're kidding. Howard: You mean the guy who used to host that lame kids show? Sheldon: And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I'd find a tactful way to do that. Howard: How'd you get him to come to your house? Sheldon: As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can't solve if you use your noggin. Leonard: And he wrote him a cheque. Sheldon: Yeah, that, too. Big cheque. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Raj: Uncle Howard. Cinnamon's here for her sleepover party. Howard: You know if you had a stroke, she'd eat you, right? Raj: And it would be my pleasure to be her num-num. Howard: Okay, so what do I need to know to take care of her? Raj: It's very simple. For breakfast, she has an egg-white frittata. Feel free to give her a choice of home fries or an English muffin, but not both. We're watching our weight. Uh, for dinner, something simple, a veal chop, some scampi, whatever you like. Howard: Classy dog. Raj: Yes. Also, don't forget to close the toilet or she'll drink out of it. Howatd: I feel for ya. I've got a psychotic mommy, too. Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Sheldon (off): Leonard, are you in bed? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon (off): Me, too. Leonard: Great. Sheldon (off): I can't sleep. Leonard: Well, I can, so shut up. Sheldon (off): Do you realize that in less than nine hours, Arthur Jeffries, aka Professor Proton, will be in our apartment? Leonard: Sheldon, you know that if you stay up all night, you're gonna be sleepy tomorrow. And a sleepy Sheldon is a cranky Sheldon. And a cranky Sheldon is actually no different than a regular Sheldon. Good night. Sheldon (off): I'm thinking of wearing a tuxedo. Leonard: That's not ridiculous. Good night. Sheldon (off): Do you have cufflinks? Leonard: No. Sheldon (off): Ah, just as well. Where can you rent a tuxedo at three o'clock in the morning? Leonard: Okay, good night. Sheldon (off): Nice to meet you, Professor Proton. Nice to meet you, Professor Proton. Nice to meet you, Professor Proton. Nice to meet you, Prof... Ow! Leonard? Leonard: What? Sheldon (off): I still can't sleep. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Howard: She really tuckered herself out at the park, huh? Bernadette: Yeah, you two were so cute playing together. Howard: It was kind of fun throwing a ball and not having anyone laugh at me. Bernadette: And you were sweet not to throw it too far so she didn't wear out her tiny legs. Howard: Yeah, that's what I was doing. Bernadette: You know, there were a few moments today when I almost felt like we were a little family. Howard: Really? Bernadette: Yeah. I never thought of myself as a mom, but when the three of us were out there having fun, I felt like maybe someday we could do it. Howard: Of course we can. Especially if our baby's as calm and quiet as little Cinna... Son of a bitch, she's gone. Bernadette: Where'd she go? Howard: I don't know, she didn't leave a note. Bernadette: Well, you were the one who was supposed to put her back in the stroller. Howard: No, I wasn't. You were. Bernadette: No, I wasn't. Howard: Yes, you were!. Bernadette: Yeah, well, you throw like a girl. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: I'm getting worried. Penny: Relax, Sheldon, he's only a few minutes late. Sheldon: Professor Proton was never late when he was on TV. You know, every day, four o'clock, he was there. Unless tornadoes were ripping apart East Texas, in which case we'd join him in progress. (Phone rings) It's him. Hello. Well, I see. Yes. All right, we can come get you. Yeah, well, see you soon. Bye. Leonard: Where is he? Sheldon: The third floor landing. The poor old guy's been walking up the stairs for half an hour. It's really you. (On the third floor landing) Leonard: Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should've told you about the broken elevator. Arthur: I agree. Sheldon: Professor Proton, it's an honour to meet you. Arthur: Just, just call me Arthur. Sheldon: Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we're friends. Arthur: No. A friend would've, would've told me about the elevator. Sheldon: Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it's going to ruin my eyes. Arthur: Is, uh, is he dangerous? Leonard: Actually, he's a genius. Sheldon: I am. Arthur: That doesn't answer my question. Leonard: Mr. Jeffries, I'm, I'm Leonard. This is my girlfriend, Penny. Arthur: Hi. Penny: Hello. Arthur: Well, I hope I haven't, uh, kept the kids waiting too long for, for the show. Sheldon: Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the, the show's for me. Come on. I'll race ya, Arthur. Arthur: Is the, is the blonde girl really your, your girlfriend? Leonard: Yes, sir. Arthur: You're the genius. (Back in the Apartment) Penny: So, do you do a lot of appearances like this? Arthur: It, it's hard to say. I'm, I'm still trying to figure out what, what th, what this is. Leonard: We just wanted to hang out with you and maybe learn a little about your life. Arthur: Well, there, there really isn't too much to tell. After the TV show was, was cancelled, nobody in the scientific world would, uh, would take me seriously. So I was forced to do these, uh, children's parties to, to make a living. Leonard: That's too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding. Arthur: You, you get bit a lot. Let me see if, if I have this straight. You, you two are, are physicists, and you, and you want me to do a children's science show? Sheldon: Yes. And if there's time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing. Arthur: You know, I'm a real scientist. I, I have a PhD from Cornell University. Sheldon: Yeah, that's great. Did you bring your puppet? Arthur: No, no. I, I hate that puppet. Sheldon: Oh, no. How could anybody hate Gino the Neutrino? It's nice, huh? I got him for 20 bucks on eBay. Including the shipping! Arthur: I'm, I'm awake, right? Th, this is happening? Scene: Bernadette's car. Bernadette: Cinnamon! Howard: Cinnamon! Bernadette: You know, maybe she doesn't recognize her name because of Raj's accent. Howard: Good thinking. (In a bad Indian accent) Cinnamon, come to Daddy. Bernadette (likewise): Cinnamon. Where are you, my little lamb chop? Howard: Nice. Bernadette: Thanks. Howard: When this all blows over, remember that voice. It's kind of a turn-on. Bernadette: It turns you on when I sound like Raj? Howard: Cinnamon! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Arthur: Okay, as, as I put the egg on top, and, and the flame goes out and, and, and the air pressure decreases in, in the flask, what do you think will happen? Penny: I think I know. Sheldon: It's gonna get sucked in. It's going to get sucked in. Penny: Okay, I didn't know. Sheldon: Yes. Penny: See, I'm not a scientist like them. Arthur: I, I figured that out. Sheldon: Potato clock. Do potato clock. Penny: What's that? Arthur: I, I power a clock with a, with a potato. Penny: Shut up. You can do that? I mean, wouldn't that solve the world's energy crisis? Arthur: No. Look, guys, keep your money. I, I think, uh, I, I think I'm done. Sheldon: What, well what's wrong? Is she upsetting you? Because I can make her go away. Arthur: No, she, she's the only reason I've, I've stayed this long. Leonard: Then what is it? Arthur: I don't know. I think I'm just, I, I just, I just don't want to be Professor Proton any more. Sheldon: Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton's the best. Arthur: What, what has it ever gotten me? I mean, I'm, I'm an 83-year-old man who has potatoes in, in his suitcase. Other scientists think, think I'm a joke. And the, the puppeteer who did, who did Gino, well, he also did my wife. Sheldon: Mr. Jeffries, I need to show you something. :14:11,446 Penny: I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Arthur: Uh, thanks. Penny: But if you don't mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato? Arthur: What do you two talk about? Sheldon: I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that? Arthur: I'll, I'll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it. Sheldon: Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn't have any friends growing up. Arthur: No, I, I get that. Sheldon: But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o'clock, you'd come to my house on Channel 68, and we'd do science together. If it hadn't been for you, well, who knows what would've become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could've wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon. Leonard: I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way, their discoveries are your discoveries. Sheldon: Yeah, it's true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders. Arthur: Well, thank, thank you, guys. That, that, that means a lot. Leonard: It's important you know how much you mean to us. Arthur: Uh-oh. Penny: Arthur, are you okay? Arthur: I'm having a problem with my pacemaker. Leonard: I'll, I'll call for help. Penny: Any chance we could plug it into the potato? Arthur: No. Scene: The telescope lab. Raj's phone rings. Raj: Hello? What do you mean, you found my dog? She's with my friends. Is she okay? Oh, thank you. Uh, just text me your address, I'm on my way. Oh, and if she's hungry, go ahead and feed her. But do not give her anything starchy. She's having risotto for dinner. Scene: The apartment. Paramedic: Your vitals are stable, but let's take you in for some tests just to be safe. Leonard: You want one of us to go with you in the ambulance? Sheldon: I'll do it. Arthur: He's not a relative, he's not allowed, right? Paramedic: No, that's not a rule. He can go. Sheldon: Oh, yeah. Arthur: I can't catch a break today. Penny: We'll pack up your stuff and meet you at the hospital. Leonard: I'm sorry things turned out this way. Arthur: Well, at, at this point, I'm just glad someone's carrying me down the stairs. Sheldon: Met my childhood hero, now I get to ride in an ambulance. Boy, if we can get him to do that calendar, this'll be the best day ever. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Bernadette: Can't believe we lost her. What was I thinking? I'd be a terrible mom. Howard: Well, maybe with the first one. But kids are like pancakes. The first one's always a throwaway. How's this look? Bernadette: It's fine. Where'd you get that picture of her? Howard: It's not her. I just googled foo-foo little dogs. (Skype tone) It's Raj. Stay quiet. Hey, bad timing. Bernadette just took Cinnamon out for a walk. Raj: Hmm. Interesting. Did they take a walk down Liars' Lane? Howard: What? Raj: A lane frequented by liars. Like you, you big liar. Howard: You have her? Bernadette: Oh, thank God she's okay. Raj: Well, I trusted you, and you let me down. The poor thing's been shaking for hours. Howard: I'm really sorry. Bernadette: Hang on, you've had her for hours? Raj: Yes. I picked her up, and then we both went for massages to try and calm down. And then we got Pinkberry. Bernadette: So you knew she was okay, and you couldn't pick up the phone to tell us? Raj: Well, I, I thought about... Bernadette: Don't well me, mister. We've been worried sick. She could have been dead for all we knew. You should be ashamed of yourself. Raj: Sorry. I, I just... Bernadette: Sorry's not good enough. Maybe you need to take some time and think about what you've done. Howard: Nice guilt trip. You are gonna be an amazing mom. Scene: A hospital room. Sheldon: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. Arthur: Thank you, Sheldon. That, that was very nice. Sheldon: Want me to sing it again? Arthur: No. The fourth, the fourth time was, was the charm. Sheldon: There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O? Arthur: No. No, thank you. But I, I do, I do have a favour to, to ask. Sheldon: Name it. Arthur: Well, I'm, I'm booked to do a children's party tomorrow, and, um, frankly I, you know, I, I don't feel up to it. Sheldon: Oh, you're not. You look awful. Arthur: Thank you. Anyway, uh, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was, I was hoping that maybe, you know, maybe you'd fill in for me. Sheldon: Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton? Arthur: Yeah. Sheldon: Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods. Arthur: Or a Korean family in Alhambra. Sheldon: But they'll know I'm not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.? Arthur: Sounds great. Sheldon: So, in a way it's like I'm your son. Arthur: What, Whatever. Sheldon: Father. Arthur: Sure, what the hell.

Plan: A: aka Professor Proton; Q: What is Dr. Arthur Jefferies' stage name? A: science; Q: What subject did Professor Proton teach? A: children's parties; Q: What kind of parties does Professor Proton do? A: physicists; Q: Who does Professor Proton find it odd to do a children's show for? A: Penny; Q: Who does Professor Proton enjoy performing for? A: his TV persona; Q: What does Professor Proton admit disillusion about? A: his Cornell PhD.; Q: What degree did Professor Proton have? A: a sudden pacemaker problem; Q: What was the reason Professor Proton was taken to the hospital? A: the next day; Q: When does Professor Proton ask Sheldon to represent him at a Korean child's birthday party? A: his "father; Q: Sheldon now regards Professor Proton as what? A: his Yorkshire Terrier Cinnamon; Q: What is the name of Raj's dog? A: the weekend; Q: When was Raj at the telescope lab? A: the park; Q: Where did Howard and Bernadette lose Cinnamon? A: hours earlier; Q: When was Cinnamon found? Summary: Sheldon and Leonard find out Dr. Arthur Jefferies aka Professor Proton, who hosted a children's science show they loved as kids, does children's parties. He accepts an invitation to perform in their apartment. He finds it odd to do a children's show for physicists but enjoys performing for Penny, liking her, though he wants to leave when her ignorance of science makes him wonder whatever she and Leonard talk about. He admits disillusion about his TV persona, as other scientists never took him seriously despite his Cornell PhD. He is however encouraged to hear Sheldon and Leonard became physicists because of him. He is taken to hospital with a sudden pacemaker problem, and asks Sheldon to represent him at a Korean child's birthday party the next day as he feels too unwell. Sheldon, flattered, now regards Professor Proton as his "father". Meanwhile, Raj has Howard and Bernadette care for his Yorkshire Terrier Cinnamon while he is at the telescope lab for the weekend, but they lose Cinnamon in the park. Someone else finds her and contacts Raj. He lambastes them for losing her, but on hearing Cinnamon was found hours earlier, Bernadette makes Raj feel guilty for letting them worry so long.

CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : Can you pick up my mail while you're... You're packing? Dale : It's spring break. Why would I not be? Rusty : I assumed that you were gonna be sticking around campus. Dale : I need a break. I'm not a machine, contrary to what my academics imply. So while you're submerged in surf, sand and sin with your fraternity brothers in South Carolina, I am gonna be engaged in something far less reckless in Virginia. Rusty : You're... I have no idea. Dale : Wild turkey hunting with my family. Rusty : Killing turkeys is safer than going to the beach? Dale : Are you familiar with the dangers of spring break? Drunken injury? Pregnancy? Parasailing gone awry? Rusty : What about the people injured or killed while hunting? Dale : They're just morons. Rusty : This is spring break. This is the most sacred of college traditions. Why waste that on your parents? Do something with your friends, like take a road trip to warmer weather. Dale : As if it ever gets that cold here. Rusty : Have fun killing turkeys. Dale : Have fun perpetuating stereotypes of wasted, reckless, youth. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Casey : Two minutes, girls. And windows... Check. The house is officially ready for lockdown, which means in two minutes I am officially on spring break! I can feel the weight of my presidential duties lifting from my shoulders. Ashleigh : Could you put it on my suitcase? Casey : We're going to Myrtle Beach for a week, not a year-long expedition to Mars. Ashleigh : I have to bring everything Teresa bought me. Casey : Teresa ? Ashleigh : Teresa Visa. She's very generous. Casey : But your card is a Credit Plus. Ashleigh : I know, but nothing cute rhymes with Credit Plus. There! Think this will fit in your car? Casey : Lucky for you, I packed light. All I need is sunscreen, a sarong and an iPod filled with beach music. I'm leaving the rest of my baggage behind: literally and figuratively. Ashleigh : No Jimmy Buffet. We have plenty of time to listen to him when we are old and sad. Casey : No Buffet. No ex-boyfriends. No Zeta Beta business. Most of all, no worrying about the gaping hole that is my future. I plan to flirt with boys and check things off the spring break list. Ashleigh : Oh my god, where did you find this? Casey : In my old beach towel. Remember when we made these freshman year? Ashleigh : We were such wide-eyed spring break virgins. Casey : There are still things on here. I'd like to finish it. Ashleigh : Like what? Casey : Playing a drinking game, entering a contest and skinny dipping. Ashleigh : Casey Cartwright gone wild! Casey : It's time. Let's go, let's go! Spring break awaits! Five... Four... Three... Two... One...Lift off! Credits CRU - Street Cappie : Spitter. Hurry up! You're wasting valuable party time! Get in here! Bus to Myrtle Beach Cappie : Welcome aboard. We know you have many choices in travel and we thank you for choosing KT Air. Rusty : I love this bus. Cappie : It has taken the Kts to Myrtle Beach for 32 spring breaks in a row. It is a legend. Pledge Cartwright will be serving chips and fries in the main cabin. And this bus makes only five stops and five stops only for gas. Rusty : What about...? Cappie : Only for gas. Rusty : So cool. Cappie : Come on, come on. Are we there yet? Beaver : Wait for me! MYRTLE BEACH - Hotel Receptionist : Final answer! Casey : Excuse me. Hi, we're checking in. Receptionist : Welcome to the Yacht House Inn, where your vacation is shipshape. How may I help you? Casey : Reservation under ZBZ, CRU Chapter. Receptionist : Two rooms for the week. Enjoy. I said: "Final answer!" Casey : I think there's been a mistake. We have five rooms reserved. Receptionist : No you don't. Ashleigh : We'll take three more rooms, please. And you can put it on the card. Receptionist : We're sold out, suge. I don't know if you've heard, but it's spring break. Rebecca : Connie? We'd like some ice in my room, please, and a few extra towels. Receptionist : Yes. Miss Logan. Casey : Rebecca, you're here. Rebecca : And so are you, finally. Casey : How did you beat us? Mandi : We took her father's jet and it was awesome! Rebecca : And Daddy's travel staff booked us this huge suite. You should come up to our floor later. Casey : Rebecca, wait up. There's been a minor snafu with our reservation. Would you and the pledges be willing to share your rooms with us sisters? After all, nobody wanna sleep on the floor. Rebecca : Actually we're going to use this week to bond as a pledge class. Having sisters in the room would change the dynamic, so... Casey : No problem, little sis. Who plans on sleeping anyway? MYRTLE BEACH - Motel Rusty : Check out this dingy motel. This is even dingier than I imagined. Ben Bennett : Was that a...? Rusty : It was a car backfiring, probably. Beaver : Whoever wants to hit downtown, we're leaving "ahora"! Isn't this place great? Only $199 a night! Rusty : Has anyone seen my bag? MYRTLE BEACH - Party Ashleigh : Coming through! Watch the outfit! That's a brand-new flip... flop. Man : Sorry. I've got these giant clown feet that aren't always under my control. Ashleigh : Giant feet. Man : How about let my flip flop make it up to yours. Ashleigh : How did you... do that? Man : It's my secret weapon. Double-fisting tonight, huh? Ashleigh : Just single-fisting. I mean, I'm single. Just an FYI. Man : I hope to see you around. Ashleigh : You will. Casey : Where have you been? That beer run was more of a marathon. Ashleigh : I just met the man I'm going to molest. He is crazy gorgeous super generous. He opened our beers with his shoe. Man : What's up? Casey : So who is he? Where's he from? Ashleigh : No clue! That is the great thing about spring break! All new boys to play with. Casey : Please tell me it's not the guy in the doo-rag. I know how you love men with accessories. Ashleigh : Where the hell is he? Casey : I'm sure he's around here somewhere. He's like Bigfoot. Ashleigh : He's the Hot Ness Monster. Evan : This is a party! It's great, huh? Calvin : It's like an Omega Chi party, only with less clothes. Evan : And that, my friend, that is the beauty of spring break. Calvin : Wow. Some pretty chilly body language. Evan : Yeah. Well. I think I'm ready for a new conversation. Frannie : Happy spring break, Evs. Evan : Right back at ya, Frannie. Calvin : Keep moving. Nothing to see here. Rebecca : Wishing you'd taken the jet? Cappie : Miss Beaver moon a state trooper? Never. Our spring break pilgrimage is a sacred tradition. Rebecca : If you want a ride home, the skies are very friendly. Cappie : Miss Logan, you're putting my tray table in its upright position. Rebecca : Let's go for a walk on the beach. Cappie : But I was gonna meet the boys out. We're gonna go to a bar with all-you-can-drink beer for $5. Rebecca : You spent all day with 'em on the bus. Cappie : It's happy hour. You should come with us. Rebecca : Look around. We've got you, me, the moon, sand, surf. Pretty romantic, huh? Cappie : Spring break's for being rowdy, not romantic. Rebecca : Our romance is often rowdy. Cappie : I guess I can take a little stroll. Rebecca : Great! I'll grab my jacket. Cappie : I'll grab a beer. Cappie : Well, Well, Well. If it isn't President Cartwright. Casey : Actually, it isn't. Tonight I'm just Spring Break Cartwright. Cappie : With patented dual beer grip. Casey : A gift. Cappie : Thank you. I love gifts. Casey : Enjoy. I've got to get going. We're playing Thumper. Cappie : A drinking game? With your gag reflex? Casey : It's on my spring break list. Cappie : Blast from the past. You gonna pierce your belly button? Casey : Once was enough, thank you. I'm just tackling some unfinished business. Like Thumper. You in? Cappie : You might wanna find an easier target. Casey : Is anyone easier than you? Cappie : How I would love to prove you wrong, but I promised a walk on the beach. Casey : Very romantic. Rebecca : Am I interrupting something? Casey : Not at all. Enjoy your walk. Ben Bennett : Maybe we can spend two hours. Rusty : Think of how far we've come. Ben Bennett : I just want to dance it out. Man : I need to see Ids. Ben Bennett : What? I'm a really good dancer. Get ready. Man : Chad Stewart? The musician? Pickle : Hey, Spitter ? Isn't that you? Maybe, we can say that guy stole your ID. We'll totally back you up. Rusty : What are the odds? I can't go in now. Ben Bennett : We'll just go somewhere else. Rusty : It's OK. I'm gonna go back to the motel. I'll rest up for tomorrow night, I'm gonna go bananas! Man : Ids, please. Evan : Look at that line. There's no way we're waiting in this line. Ladies. Hello. So we are looking for someone to buy drinks for. MYRTLE BEACH - On the Beach Cappie : Blueberry barnacle with a vita-boost, please. Thank you. I don't know what I was thinking. That was at least 50 yards or something. This shirt does not work. Sorry I missed you last night. Did you and the pledges get rowdy? You OK? Rusty : Just a little asthma flair-up. Cappie : If you need anything, let me know. Rusty : Will do. Cappie : Healthy. Cheers. On the phone. Rusty : Hey. Casey : Are you in Myrtle? Are you having fun? Rusty : Things are fine. I'm just sitting on the beach. Just relaxing from a full night of partying. Casey : Are you using your inhaler? Rusty : No. Casey hangs up. Casey : You're so using your inhaler. Liar. Rusty : Fine. I'm using my inhaler. Casey : I meant about you having fun. Rusty : I just kind of expected this to be kinda the most amazing time of my life. Casey : It's the New Year's Eve Syndrome. It can't always live up to the hype. I blame the media. Rusty : I've been up since 4am, when the rest of the pledges got home from that club that I couldn't get into because of stupid Chad Stewart. Casey : Who's Chad Stewart? Rusty : I have no clothes. I have no travel guide. And, for some reason, my stupid asthma's back. But the worst should be behind me, huh? Casey : Are you wearing sun block? Casey : Any spottings? Ashleigh : The Hot Ness Monster is an elusive beast. Rebecca : What do you think, Mandi. Over there? Mandi : Prime real estate. Rebecca : That'll do, thank you. Casey : Tropical Storm Rebecca. I slept in the bathtub because of her, and now she's ruining our boy view. Why can't she get over it? Ashleigh : Have you ever considered she might be threatened by you? Casey : Why? She's the senator's daughter with the invisible jet. Ashleigh : Because you're Zeta Beta president. You're beautiful. Casey : Go on. Ashleigh : You're the ex-girlfriend to a certain Cappie, with whom you looked pretty chummy last night. Girl : Hey Sping-breakers ! In about five minutes, we start the sand castle contest. Winners get free drinks at Club Paradox! Rebecca : Whatever. Casey : Cappie and I are finally friends. Truly. I'm over him. Just like I'm over drama, remember? Which means I'm not gonna let this beached whale get me depressed. Let's go build a sand castle! Ashleigh : I don't want to get my bikini wet. Display purposes. Casey : Oh, come on. Entering a contest is on my list. Evan : You seem to not be enjoying the parade of possibility. Calvin : It's not really my kind of parade, you know? Evan : We could go to the gay bar around here. They have cages. Calvin : That was a lot of information. Evan : When Casey and I came down here our sophomore year, she wanted to go... She heard they had cages you could dance in. So we went. Calvin : Thanks for the offer, but I'm not looking for a guy. I miss the one I already have. You remember when you're so excited about someone you want to spend every moment with them to make up for the time you're not together. I'm sorry. Evan : No, that's all right. Girl : You up for some volleyball? Evan : Absolutely. What do you think? It'll be fun. Calvin : I don't know. Girl : Well, my friend thinks you're cute. Calvin : Yeah. No. You go. Have fun. Evan : Are you sure? Calvin : Go on. Cell Phone is ringing. Hey. Michel. MYRTLE BEACH - Bus Stop Cappie : You're sure you have to go? Rusty : Honestly, I totally forgot that I have this project due or my polymeric materials class. It's due on the Monday we get back. Damn the competive world of polymer science. Cappie : Don't be too hard on yourself. You can't win 'em all. Travel safe, Spitter. I got you a little gift for the road. I'll see you next week. Rusty : No way. MYRTLE BEACH - On the beach Cell Phone is ringing. Rebecca : Hello. This is she. Man : I'm calling from The Washington Post. Rebecca : No, thank you.I don't need a subscription. She hangs up. Cell Phone is ringing. Rebecca : Look. I'm in college. I have no need for a newspaper. Man : Actually, this isn't about a subscription. A matter we'd like to talk to you about if you have a couple moments. Casey : Isn't this fun? I haven't built a sand castle since I was 12. Back when my biggest burden was having to play with Rusty. Ashleigh : I just wish there wasn't all this sand. It lingers in places long after you leave the beach. I think the Hot Ness Monster has breeched the surface. Casey : Go get him! Cappie : I got it! Casey : Hey. Cappie : Sorry about that, Case. Can I give you a hand? Casey : Actually, I could use a torso. Cappie : Lucky for you, I'm well-versed in torsos. Casey : You sure you have time? Rebecca's not planning another walk on the beach? Cappie : I've got all the time in the world. As long as we're done by five. She booked us a banana boat ride. Casey : A banana boat? You? Cappie : I'm man enough to ride a giant yellow phallus. Besides, it's her first spring break. I vaguely remember you riding one your freshman year. Casey : It was the first thing I crossed off my list. I guess it's the circle of life. Cappie : It's really good to see you so... relaxed. You're like your old self again. Casey : Thanks Cap. Cappie : But your mermaid is in dire need of a breast augmentation. I'll be right back. Cappie : Rebecca. Wait up. Rebecca : Hey Cap. Cappie : Where are you headed? Rebecca : Back to my room. Thought I'd take a nap. Cappie : Want some company? Rebecca : Go, have fun. Cappie : Are you OK? Rebecca : Why wouldn't I be? BUS Rusty : Excuse me. Bus driver : Folks, just got off with dispatch. We should have another bus to take us back in about six hours. Thanks very much. Rusty : Hey, Calvin. Where are you going? Calvin : Gotta be a town up ahead. I was gonna head over and find a car. Rusty : Can I go with you? Calvin : Suit yourself. MYRTLE BEACH - Party Omega Chi guy : I think we need another round. Evan : I'll go get them. Girl : Let us contribute something. Evan : What are you gonna contribute? Evan : Thank you for your contribution. Girl : You're welcome. Evan : I'll get the drinks. What's up? Frannie : This place is wild! Evan : Look how packed it is. Frannie : I bet you've met a majority of the female population. Evan : You wanna come hang out with us? Frannie : No thanks. You go have fun. MYRTLE BEACH - Rent Car Calvin : I need to rent a car, please. Just one-way to Cyprus, Ohio. Woman : I need to see your driver's license and a major credit card. Rusty : When did you get your own credit card? Woman : I'm sorry. You gotta be at least 21 years of age to rent an automobile in the state of North Carolina. Calvin : I can die for my country but I can't rent a car? Woman : I've heard that one before. I'm sorry, the law's the law. Rusty : I'll get it. Woman : And this is faker than my hair color. There's no way on God's green earth that you're 24. Rusty : I am. My name is Chad Stewart. I live at 2343 Homer Terrace. Woman : What color are your eyes? Rusty : What color? Woman : That's what I thought. I'm gonna need to confiscate this. Rusty : Take it. It's cursed or something. Calvin : When did you get a fake ID? Rusty : We shouldn't have left the bus. Calvin : This isn't my fault. I didn't invite you to join me. Rusty : I didn't want to let you walk off in the dark alone. Calvin : I feel so much safer now that you're here. Rusty : You're on your own. I'm gonna get my own ride home. Calvin : Just how I wanted it. [SCENE_BREAK] MYRTLE BEACH - Party Ashleigh : Your target is about six-foot-two, brown hair, dreamy eyes. And he's got a bottle opener in his flip-flop. Casey : Could you be a little more specific? Ashleigh : Check your phones. Yesterday, I got close but was thwarted by a rogue football game. Luckily, I was close enough to snap a cell phone pic. I've texted it to each of you. Casey : This is just a blob. Ashleigh : A hot blob, and we must find him. But be warned, he's elusive. So if you spot him, pin him down and text me immediately. Casey : Are you sure...? Ashleigh : There's no time! Casey : Hey, Cap. Have you seen this blob? Cappie : Maybe it's hanging out with Rebecca somewhere. Casey : Birds of a feather... Cappie : I can't find her. She missed the banana boat. Casey : I wouldn't worry too much. Rebecca's a big girl. Man : It's time for the event you've all been waiting for. Let's hear it for our spring break wet T- shirt contestants! Cappie : I might be able to take a break for a sec. Recharge. All : We want boobs! Cappie : No, you don't! What the hell are you doing? Rebecca : I'm gettin'rowdy! Cappie : Get down from there. Man : Set those glorious mounds free! Cappie : Mounds? Really? Man : Fine. Almond Joys! Casey : You need to get down. Get down from there. You're making a scene. Rebecca : Big sis is pissed. You gonna tell my parents? News flash: what I do on spring break is none of your business. Casey : It is when you're wearing ZBZ letters. Rebecca : Fine, I'll take them off. Man : Let me get my camera first. Cappie : You're seriously doing this? This is really beneath you. Rebecca : Beneath me? You know what's beneath me? Cappie : Don't do this. Not right now, please. Rebecca : You're beneath me. Man : Whenever you're ready. Rebecca : You can't even get over your ex-girlfriend. Casey : Don't bring me into this. Rebecca : You've always been in this. And you always will be. Man : Maybe you should get up there, too. Casey : Yeah. No. Rebecca : My only regret: wasting the last four months on you. Cappie : Stop acting like a spoiled daddy's girl who didn't get her way. It's a cliché. Rebecca : You know what? We're done. Consider this our spring breakup. Man : Don't go! You chased the boobs away! Casey : Are you OK? Omega Chi guy : Man, where have you been? Evan : What? I made some new friends. Omega Chi guy : Friends? As in plural? You guys, Chambers is on a roll! Evan : All right, settle down. What's going on? You guys going to the condo? Omega Chi guy : What are you, my grandpa? We're going to Paradox. There's no way I'm going back to that club tonight. Frannie : Wanna raid the vending machine? Evan : Sounds so good. Let's go. BACK ROAD - Dale's car Rusty : I'm sorry you had to drive all this way. You can take us to the nearest bus station if you want. Dale : I'll drive you guys back to Cyprus. No big deal. Rusty : What about the hunting trip with your parents? Dale : My mom's been hitting the firing range pretty hard, has developed quite an ego. Do you wanna tell your side of the story first? Rusty : Not really. We've got four more hours to go, It's been a long day. Let's get back to school. Dale : All right. Anybody hungry? I got some turkey jerky in the trunk. Calvin : I'm starving. Rusty : Did you kill it? Dale : Does it matter? Hey, Calvin. You wanna jump out and find that jerky bag? Calvin : Trunk food. I don't see anything back here. Dale : It's back there. Would you go help him? Rusty : There's really nothing back here. Dale : I'm not letting either one of you jokers back in until you work out your issues. MYRTLE BEACH - On the Beach Casey : You feeling better? Cappie : Feels like my brain is taking clogging lessons. Casey : I was worried about you. You got hit hard. Cappie : And then the drunk guy punched me. Casey : Do you have any idea why she...? Cappie : Can we not talk about Rebecca? Please It was awkward enough before all this. Casey : You know what, you're right. We're on spring break! We get to spend an entire week on the beach with our best friends. There's only one more of these... Cappie : One more? Speak for yourself. Casey : And they kick us out into the harsh reality of 40-hour work weeks. Cappie : Forty hours? Wake up, Mary Tyler Moore. Try 80. In cubicles. With two weeks vacation. By the way, did I tell you I'm switching my major? Anatomy was fun but less hands-on than I expected. Casey : I'm sorry, Cap. Cappie : About what? The fact that I don't have a "plan"? Casey : About the fact that I judged you for it. I was wrong. Cappie : What has gotten into you? Casey : What do you mean? Cappie : You're so nice and carefree and beach-babe beautiful. I feel like I'm in a tampon commercial. Casey : That's because in four days I have to go back to school figure out what I wanna do with the rest of my life. Cappie : What about that ten-year plan? Casey : Let's just say I copied off of someone's else's paper. And now I don't know what I'll be doing in ten minutes. I'm staring out into the... vast empty ocean that is my future. Casey : Feels good, doesn't it? Casey : It does. And it feels... terrifying. They kiss. BACK ROAD - Dale's car Rusty : Please unlock the doors. Dale : No can do, buddy. Not until you two make amends. Calvin : Look either turn off the music or leave us out here to die. Rusty : The scary thing is I actually knew the words to that song. Look. I just wished you would have at least called after the prank war thing. Calvin : Do you want to know why I didn't? Because I was mad. You made me feel like the bad guy because I chose to stay with OC and the friends I have there. Rusty : Like Evan Chambers? Calvin : When I was outed and was gonna quit the fraternity, Evan asked me to trust him and I did. He hasn't let me down yet. Rusty : Well, what about me? I was the first person that you came out to, remember? Doesn't that count? Calvin : It does, but you're demonizing a fraternity full of people I like... Rusty : It's hard to have a rational point-of-view of people when they're duct-taping you to the side of a building. Calvin : What about your fraternity? Rusty : The Kts are such good guys because they're laid back and aren't ambitious? When did ambition become such a terrible attribute? Dale : I think in the eighties. Rusty : You know, maybe they're right. Maybe you just can't have friends who are in rival houses. Dale : This is the officially the dumbest thing I've ever heard. If your stupid houses are so important, why are both of you here now instead of down at Sinner's Beach? You've gotta stop putting your houses before everything else in your life. Before your schoolwork, before your roommate and before each other. Think you can do that? Rusty : We can agree we were both wrong. Calvin : I'd say there was plenty of fault on both sides. Rusty : I'm sorry. Calvin : Sunburn. Dale : The Three Musketeers are back! MYRTLE BEACH - Party Betsy : Take me home! I'm Betsy! Ashleigh : You sure are. Loud and proud. Betsy : I'm so glad that we're sisters! Ashleigh : We really need to get you a boyfriend so he can manage these moments. Betsy : You're so soft! Ashleigh : He's here. I smell him. Betsy : No, that might have been my chili dog. Ashleigh : I'm gonna come right back here and be disgusted by that comment. But right now I need to run find someone. So here, meet my friend, Mr. Lifeguard Stand. Betsy : I liked you on Baywatch. MYRTLE BEACH - Hotel Cappie : Here we are. Back at the hotel. You think you might wanna...? Casey : I don't think that's a good idea. You've suffered head trauma. Besides, there are ten people sleeping in my room. Cappie : I was going to say get some breakfast. Casey : That sounds nice. Let me go get my purse. TV breaking news : Ohio senator Ken Logan, known for his strong stance on family values, has been implicated in a sweep of a high-end prostitution ring. As the nation reacts to the scandal, we'll have all the latest... Cappie : Case... Casey : Go. She needs you. Cappie : About tonight... Casey : It was nothing. "Kissing a boy on the beach" was 11 on my list. Thanks for the help. MYRTLE BEACH - Café Evan : I'm starting to feel human again. Frannie : Processed food will do that for some reason. Evan : I kinda feel like you've been blowing me off the past couple of days. Frannie : Not at all. You had a lot of things you need to... do this weekend. Evan : You pushed me to be more assertive, and go after what I want. Frannie : Sorry things didn't work out with you and Casey... Evan : I'm not. They kiss. Frannie : I'm... not looking to be another notch in the Myrtle Beach belt. Warm body rule applies even here. Evan : I've had plenty of warm bodies. Frannie : Million-dollar question: Are you doing this because... you want to be with me or because you wanna get back at Casey? Evan : Both. Million-dollar question: Are you going to do this because you want to be with me or because you want to be with Evan Chambers? Frannie : Both. MYRTLE BEACH - Hotel Rebecca : Cap. Cappie : It doesn't matter now. I heard about your dad. Rebecca : They didn't even call me. I found out from a reporter. MYRTLE BEACH - On the beach Ashleigh : What a night. Casey : You can say that again. Care to explain the flip flop? Ashleigh : It's proof that the Hot Ness Monster does exist. And it gives me hope that I might see him again. Casey : He made quite an impression. Ashleigh : Do you think it's possible to meet someone and just feel they're your soulmate? Casey : Yes. But I have to believe that we have many soulmates. If not, the world has a twisted sense of humor, right? Ashleigh : What happened tonight? Casey : I was on a search mission for your monster when I ran into... You know what, no. I'm not gonna tell this story. You've heard it a million times anyway. Ashleigh : But it sounds important. Casey : What's important is... I'm watching a beautiful sunrise with my best friend. Ashleigh : No matter what, we'll remember this moment forever. Casey : You know what would make it even more memorable? If we were naked. Ashleigh : Didn't see that coming. Casey : It's the only thing left on my spring break list. Skinny dipping. Wanna? Please. Ashleigh : Let's do it. Man 1 : Dude, naked chicks! Man 2 : You thinking what I'm thinking?

Plan: A: The gang; Q: Who hits the beach for spring break? A: Casey; Q: Who leaves her emotional baggage back at school? A: Rusty; Q: Who realizes the beach bum lifestyle isn't for him? A: old friends; Q: Who does Rusty reunite with? A: CRU; Q: Where does Rusty go after the beach? Summary: The gang hits the beach for spring break! Casey leaves all her emotional baggage back at school for some fun in the sun. While Rusty realizes that the beach bum lifestyle isn't for him and reunites with old friends on his way back to CRU. Tune in to witness fun in the sun.

[The woods] (Jules and Brady are burning the bodies and then rejoin Stevie. Brady looks at him) Brady: Go ahead. Tell her Stevie: Let me just preface this with a big disclaimer. that screams, "I should have known better" Jules: What is it, Stevie? Stevie: When Brady told me what that Tyler kid said about Mason being here for the moonstone, something clicked. There was this moment back in Florida when I suspected Mason was up to something because he was banging that hot vampire chick Kathy and he didn't want anyone to know Jules: All right. Just get to the point, Stevie Stevie: That is the point, Jules. It's the sun and moon curse. Mason was asking me all kinds of questions about it: if it could be broken, and when that evil man-witch showed up last night, double-click. Witches, vampires, moonstone. They're putting everything in place to break the curse Brady: We can't let them do that, even if we have to kill every last vampire in this town [Caroline's house] (Elena, Bonnie and Caroline are sleeping when Elena's phone rings. Caroline pushes her out of the bed. Elena's goes out of the room to answer her phone. It's Stefan) Stefan: How was the slumber party? Elena: Good and Much needed. When can you and I have one? Stefan: That can be arranged Elena: Okay. Now. Today. Take me far, far away Stefan: Even with everything that's going on? Elena: Because of everything that's going on Stefan: And you're sure this has nothing to do with dodging your father who just got into town? Elena: Uh, this has everything to do with that Stefan: Well, in that case, where would you like to go? [Salvatore's House] (Damon and Andie are going down the stairs) Andie: I'm late, This is such a crazy day. I'm, uh, covering the historical society's high tea Damon: Ooh! Thrilling Andie: Yeah. It's for some visiting writer. He's writing a book on small-town Virginia. It's a big snooze. Damon: Writer? What's his name? Andie: Uh, Elijah Smith Damon: Smith. He's using Smith? (He puts a scarf around her neck) Damon: Ok. You have your story straight in your mind, right? Andie: I can't say that you bit me or drank my blood, just that we hit it off and I really like you. You are terrific, though. You're sweet, funny, you're honest. (He compels her) Damon: And you're falling hard Andie: You might be the one Damon: Perfect (He opens the door. Alaric arrives) Damon: Perfect. Have a great day, honey (He kisses her) Andie: Oh. Hey, Alaric. Later (She leaves) Damon: My new girlfriend, Andie star, action news Alaric: It's not called action news Damon: I know. I just like saying it. Come on (Alaric enters the house. The go in the living room) Damon: So John Gilbert gave me this to kill Elijah (He shows him the dagger and the vial) Damon: Said you have to dip the dagger in the remains of an old white ash tree that dates back to the originals, if there's any truth in that Alaric: So you think it's a setup? Damon: It could be. Guy's a weasel. Wouldn't put anything past him (He gives him the dagger) Damon: What are you up to today, Mr. Saltzman? Alaric: Well, Jenna and I were supposed to go to her family's lake house, but somehow, we both got roped into doing this historical society thing at the Lockwood's Damon: Where Elijah's the guest of honor Alaric: Tell me you're not gonna kill him at the tea party Damon: No. That would be stupid. I want to know his endgame before I kill him but I do think it's time Elijah and I officially met [Mystic Grill] (Bonnie and Caroline are sitting at a table) Caroline: Ok. So tell me about this big witchy plan you've been cooking up Bonnie: We still don't know the extent of what Elijah's up to Caroline: No, we don't Bonnie: So I'm gonna ask Luka to tell me what he knows Caroline: And he's not gonna tell you anything Bonnie: I didn't say he was gonna have a choice (Caroline sees Matt and smile but he seems upset) Bonnie: What's that about? Caroline: Uh, I don't know. I thought that we were... I don't know [The woods] (Tyler rejoins Jules) Jules: Tyler, hi Tyler: You're still here Jules: Is that all right with you? Tyler: That guy last night made it pretty clear you needed to go Jules: And we will soon (Brady and Stevie rejoin them) Jules: Listen. We kind of need your help with something Brady: We need you to help us find the moonstone Tyler: Somebody needs to explain to me what the big deal is about a rock Stevie: That rock helps break the curse of the sun and the moon Tyler: I don't know what that means Jules: It's an old curse placed on both vampires and werewolves Stevie: Vampires break the curse, they're free to walk in the sunlight but we're stuck only turning at the full moon, aka werewolf Armageddon Brady: But if we break it, they're stuck as night-walkers, and we can turn whenever we want Stevie: Aka werewolf domination Jules: Tyler, if we can turn at will, that means we never have to turn at all, not if we don't want to Tyler: I'd never have to turn again? Brady: There's more. Stevie? Stevie: If those vamps are gearing up to break the curse, they must have also found the doppelganger Tyler: The doppelganger? Stevie: Evil twin shadow person. We're betting Mason's hot vampire chick Kathy knows all about it, so we need you to help us find Kathy. I have a picture. Mason brought her to the bar once. No one liked her. She was a vampire. Bad news (He shows him a picture of Katherine and Mason on his phone) Stevie: Right, right here. The girl next to Mason Tyler: That's Elena Gilbert Jules: You know her? Tyler: I've known her my whole life (Jules looks at Brady) [Mystic Grill] (Caroline rejoins Matt) Matt: I'm...i'm working Caroline: Yeah I can see that but can you work and talk? Matt: What do you want, Caroline? Caroline: Uh, I want to talk about what we were supposed to talk about last night before I had to cancel on you. I want us to clear up the weirdness. I just want us to talk about us Matt: Now you're just making it worse Caroline: Uh, I...I don't know what's going on, Matt Matt: Where were you last night when you were supposed to be with me? Caroline: I... Matt: And don't say you were with Bonnie because bonnie was here, Caroline. I saw her Caroline: Oh Matt: Yeah (He leaves. Tyler rejoins Caroline) Tyler: Caroline Caroline: You stay away from me Tyler: It's important (He throws her bag on the floor without meaning it. He helps her get it) Caroline: Just stop it, Tyler, ok? You're just...you're just making it worse (He takes something from her things and puts it in his pocket) Tyler: Please, Caroline. I'm sorry about what happened, ok? but there's so much we need to talk about (She takes her bag) Caroline: I said just leave me alone (She leaves. Matt rejoins Tyler) Matt: The two of you want to get together, fine. There's nothing I can do about it but do me a favor, and both of you stop lying about it Tyler: Matt, there's nothing going on (Matt catches him) Matt: Hey! I said stop lying! [Gilbert's house] (Elena and Stefan are ready to go) Stefan: Are you ready for our romantic weekend? Elena: Beyond ready. Let's go before John shows up and pretends to be a concerned father Stefan: Mmm. I'll go put these in the car (Elena receives a text from Caroline telling her that she needs to talk and asking her where she is. Elena tells her that they're going to her parent's lake house and ask what is it. Caroline tells her that's it's okay) Stefan: Uh, please tell me there's nothing wrong Elena: Nothing's wrong. Just Caroline. Come on. Let's go (They leave) [The woods] (Tyler has Caroline's phone in his hands. He's with Jules, Brady and Stevie) Tyler: She's going to Dunham lake. Her family has a house up there Brady: Nice. Let's go get our doppelganger [Gilbert's lake house] (Elena and Stefan arrive at the lake house. Elena is quiet) Stefan: You all right? Elena: I'm good. I just haven't been back here since before... Stefan: Oh, my god. Elena, listen. Just say the word, all right? We'll get back on that highway, we'll go anywhere else Elena: I've always loved it here. I want it to stay that way, I was just... having a moment Stefan: Okay (Elena enters the house but Stefan can't get in) Elena: You don't have to wait out there. I'm all good Stefan: Oh, that's great because I'm, uh... I'm stuck Elena: Oh, my god. You can't get in Stefan: Not gonna be a very romantic weekend unless you, uh, invite me inside Elena: Stefan, I can't Stefan: What? Elena: My parent's left this place to John Gilbert. He's the only one who can invite you in. I'm sorry. I completely forgot Stefan: You're kidding me, right? (She smiles) Elena: Stefan Salvatore, I hereby invite you into this home Stefan: You are such a liar (He enters, takes her in his arms and kisses her) Elena: Hey, hey, hey! [Lockwood's mansion] (It's the historical society tee party. Carol is talking with Elijah) Carol: Have you spent much time in Richmond for your book? There's such a wealth of history there Elijah: No. I'm focusing mostly on the smaller regions of Virginia. Lots of research. Strictly academic Carol: That's fascinating (Damon arrives. Jenna rejoins him) Jenna: Damon, what are you doing here? (Andie rejoins them) Andie: Hi. You came Damon: Hi Andie: Hi (They kiss. Jenna's surprised) Damon: Thanks for introducing us, Jenna (He leaves and rejoins Elijah and Carol) Carol: Damon Damon: Carol (They kiss on the cheek) Carol: What a surprise. Elijah, I want you to meet Damon Salvatore. His family is one of mystic falls' founding families Damon: Such a pleasure to meet you Elijah: No. Pleasure's mine (They shake hands) [Mystic Grill] (Bonnie rejoins Luka at the pool table. She has coffee in her hands) Bonnie: Come bearing coffee gifts Luka: So you're talking to me now Bonnie: I found out what your dad did, saving my friends from the wolf pack Luka: Well, had I known that's all it took... (Caroline is looking at them. Jeremy rejoins her) Jeremy: Hey. How's it going? Caroline: What are you doing here? Jeremy: Bonnie called. I wanted to help. How's it going? Caroline: She's selling it, and he's buying it. She's giving him the s*x smile Jeremy: All right, Caroline. I get it (Bonnie is still with Luka) Luka: What do you say? You want to play a game? Bonnie: Yeah Luka: Yeah? Bonnie: Yeah (Suddenly he doesn't feel good) Luka: What's happening to me? (She gets closer to him) Bonnie: You'll be ok (He's about to fall. Caroline and Jeremy rejoin them) Bonnie: Why don't we go over here? Jeremy: I got him, I got him (He catches Luka) Jeremy: What kind of witch roofie was that? Bonnie: Strong one [Gilbert's lake house] (Elena is outside, on the dock, looking at the lake. Stefan rejoins her and embraces her) Stefan: Having another moment? Elena: Jeremy broke his arm diving off this dock when he was 6. My dad taught me how to fish Right off the edge up there. So many memories. Do you ever think about us, What our future will be like, our memories? Stefan: I think there are long conversations to be head about our future, about the kind of life we could have together Elena: Now there's a box that we shouldn't open Stefan: Oh, we can open it. Whenever you're ready Elena: No. I'd rather just be here...Now Stefan: You know, this is a future memory. It's where your boyfriend whispered to you that he loved you. I love you (She smiles) [Lockwood's Mansion] (Elijah and Damon enter Richard's office. Alaric is looking at them. John rejoins him) John: What's Damon doing with Elijah? Alaric: How would I know? John: Because you're his little helper Alaric: If you say so, John John: Does Jenna know about your extracurricular activities? Maybe it's time we tell her. I mean, she can't stay in the dark forever Alaric: You're a dick John: I don't think you should sleep over anymore. It's inappropriate with children in the house, and that ring that Isobel gave you, that's mine. I'm gonna want that back. (Elijah and Damon are in Richard's office) Elijah: What can I do for you, Damon? Damon: I was hoping we could have a word Elijah: Where's Elena? Damon: Safe with Stefan. They're laying low, you know, bit of a werewolf problem Elijah: Oh, yeah. I heard about that Damon: I'm sure you did since it was your witch that saved the day Elijah: You are welcome Damon: Which adds to my confusion on exactly why you're here Elijah: Why don't you just stay focused on keeping Elena safe and leave the rest to me (He goes toward the door but Damon puts himself in front of him) Damon: Not good enough (Elijah pushes him against the wall and strangles him. Damon tries to strangle Elijah too but he's not strong enough so Elijah breaks his wrist) Elijah: You young vampires, so arrogant. How dare you come in here and challenge me? Damon: You can't kill me, man. It's not part of the deal Elijah: Silence (He takes a pencil and drives it through Damon's jugular. Damon lays on the desk, on hand on his wound. Elijah gives him a white tissue. Damon puts it on his wound) Elijah: I'm an original. Show a little respect. The moment you cease to be of use to me, you're dead, so you should do what I say. Keep Elena safe (He leaves) [Gilbert's lake house] (Stefan is cooking. Elena is on the couch, looking at him, a glass of wine in the hand) Elena: My dad did all the cooking, too Stefan: And your mom? Elena: She sat right here and watched. She couldn't cook either (She looks at the fireplace) Elena: Fire's dying Stefan: Oh, yeah. I'll go get more wood Elena: I got it Stefan: No, no. It's cold outside (She gets up) Elena: So I'll get a jacket (She goes in her parent's bedroom and smells a perfume. Stefan enters) Elena: My mom's perfume. Jenna was supposed to pack all this up, but... she kept putting it off. I don't blame her (She goes in the dressing and takes a sweater) Elena: Here (She throws him the sweater) Elena: Bundle up (He puts it) Elena: It was my great granddad's and you look very hot in it Stefan: I look hot in your dead great granddad's jacket? Elena: Beyond hot (He kisses her, pushes her against the wall and kisses her again) Elena: Stefan! It's my parents' bedroom (He stops and looks at the wall) Elena: What? (He knocks on the wall) Elena: What? Stefan: This is hollow inside (He breaks the wall. There's a door behind it) Elena: What is it? Stefan: It's a really good hiding place (He opens the door. There's a lot of weapon to kill vampires) Elena: Oh, my god [SCENE_BREAK] [Caroline's house] (Bonnie, Jeremy and Caroline are in her living room. Luka is laying on the ground) Caroline: We only have, like, an hour or two before my mom gets home (She has a lot of candles in her hands) Caroline: And these are all I could find Bonnie: Place these evenly around the room (Jeremy takes some of them to help place them) Jeremy: How does this work? Bonnie: Um, I'll put him in a trance and ask him questions. It's like hypnosis Jeremy: You sure you're strong enough for this? Bonnie: That's what the candles are for. I'll draw power from the flames Caroline: I'll get the matches Bonnie: I got it (She lights the candles with her powers) Jeremy: Never gonna get used to that Caroline: Oh, come on. That's pretty hot, and you know it (He smiles. Bonnie looks at him) Bonnie: In need a bowl of water Jeremy: Yeah, yeah. I'll go get it (He leaves. Bonnie looks at Caroline) Bonnie: Ok. What was that? "It's hot"? Caroline: He is so crushing on you Bonnie: So? Caroline: So... What, you'd rather be with traitor warlock over here? Bonnie: I'm not into Luka. It's just, you know, he understood me, and he was new and different Caroline: And you've known Jeremy since forever, and you only see him one way, as Elena's brother but you're a witch, and I'm a vampire. You know, it's not like we're in any position... Bonnie: to be picky Caroline: No, to judge (Jeremy comes back and gives the bowl of water to Bonnie. She puts it on the ground) Jeremy: Looks like he's waking up [Salvatore's House] (Damon and Alaric are in the library) Damon: Today was a bust Alaric: Yeah. How's the throat? Damon: Sore Alaric: Yeah. That Elijah's one scary dude but with nice hair. Hey. You want another one? (Damon gives him his glass. Alaric goes to the bar) Damon: He's gonna be hard to kill Alaric: Yeah. I'd think twice before I'd trust that dagger and some ashes to do the job. You're gonna need more info Damon: I'm out of sources Alaric: What's up with you and this news chick? (He gives the glass to Damon and sits down) Damon: She's got spunk, huh? Alaric: Just don't kill her, please Damon: If I did, who would report her death? Alaric: Just don't do it, all right? She's friends with Jenna, and it's bad enough that I'm lying to her about everything else. I hate the lies (He looks at his phone) Alaric: Oh, god. I got to go. I got to pick Jenna up. Don't worry. I'll, uh, show myself out (He gets up) Damon: Good luck (Alaric leaves. Damon hears a noise so he to see what's going on. He finds Alaric with a stake on his stomach. He's bleeding. A Stevie jumps on him and puts a syringe of vervaine on his neck. Damon fights so Stevie has to put all the syringe. Damon falls on the floor) Stevie: Whew! Damn, you're strong. It took the whole syringe (Two werewolves enter and look at Alaric) Stevie: Grab that one. He's dead (Jules arrive) Jules: Hi, Damon. Nice to see you again [Gilbert's lake house] (Elena and Stefan are in the hidden room. Elena finds a journal) Elena: These must be the other Jonathan Gilbert journals. Jeremy had the one, but John said that there were others. His whole life's in here Stefan: I'll go get the firewood. I'll let you have a moment [Brady's SV] (Brady is with Tyler. He looks at his phone) Brady: We're good to go. You up for this? (Tyler doesn't answer so Brady seats down in front of him) Brady: These people have done nothing but lie to you. This girl that you've known since birth, she's with the vampires now, the ones who killed Mason. They're the enemy, and if they break that curse, well... all of us are as good as dead. Are you up for this? Tyler: Yes Brady: Good Because if you woos out, you're gonna have me to deal with, You got it? [Gilbert's house] (John is in the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of wine. Jenna enters the room) John: Where's Elena? Jenna: At the lake house for the weekend John: With Stefan? Jenna: Yes, with Stefan John: And who gave her permission for that? Jenna: I did. Until you get a lawyer, file for guardianship, it's my call, and there's nothing you can do about it John: I always knew you were lax with them but I didn't think you were negligent Jenna: She wanted to get away from you, ok, and so do I, so I'll be staying with Rick John: Because he's such a great guy, right? Jenna: You are on dangerous ground John: He's a liar, Jenna Jenna: What? john: Did he ever tell you what happened to his wife? Jenna: She died John: Really? So they found her body? Jenna: What are you saying? John: Why don't you ask Rick? I'd love to hear his answer. Have a great night (He leaves) [Salvatore's house] (Damon is sitting on a chair. He has chains all over him and an iron collar around his neck. His neck is bleeding. He looks at Alaric. He's dead but he wears his magical ring. Stevie has the chain so he can pull on the collar to hurt Damon) Stevie: Morning, sunshine. I saw this movie once, some torture p0rn flick. Anyway, they had this collar device that was really cool, so I just modified it some with some wooden nails, and when I pull... (He pull on the collar with the chain. Damon's hurt) Jules: So I hear you have the moonstone Damon: Oh, if you only knew the irony of this moment right now. Let me tell you how this is gonna go. You're gonna torture me, I don't talk, Someone loses a heart. Last time, it was your boy Mason Jules: This time, it will be you (She looks at Stevie and makes him a sign. Stevie pull on the collar) [Caroline's House] Caroline: How long is this gonna take? Bonnie: I don't know. He's fighting me (She has her hands on Lukas's head) Luka: Please stop. Please (He gets finally in trance) Bonnie: There. All right. Why are you working with Elijah? Luka: Klaus. We both want him dead Bonnie: You want to kill Klaus, too. Why? Luka: Because he has her and we have to get her away from him Bonnie: Who... who are you talking about? Luka: My sister Bonnie: Sister? Why does he have her? Luka: He's searching for a way to undo the curse without the doppelganger. He's forced generations of witches to help him for centuries Bonnie: What has Elijah promised you? Luka: If we help Elijah kill Klaus, He's promised to return her to us Bonnie: And how do you kill Klaus? How do you kill an original vampire? Luka: He'll kill me if I tell you. Don't make me Jeremy: It's ok, Bonnie. We can find another way Bonnie: No. How will you kill Klaus? Luka: After the sacrifice, Klaus will be vulnerable, weak. It's our only chance Caroline: After the sacrifice? Bonnie: What do you mean, after? Luka: Klaus will be vulnerable Bonnie: But Elena will be dead Luka: Yes. Elena has to die Jeremy: No (They all look at each other) [Gilbert's lake house] (Stefan goes in the garage to get some wood but he feels that someone's here so he turns himself. Brady's here and shots him in the heart with a wooden bullet. Tyler arrives) Brady: Keep him down. If he moves... Kill him (He leaves. Tyler points the gun toward Stefan. Stefan moves so he can look at him) Tyler: Don't move! Stefan: Just let me get the bullet out It punctured my heart. I need to get it out. I'm not gonna fight you Tyler: I don't think so Stefan: Tyler, why are you doing this? Tyler: I can't let you break the curse Stefan: You know about the curse? Tyler: You're liars, all of you Stefan: No. I swear to you. We don't want to break the curse, Tyler. We don't want to do that Tyler: Oh yeah? But I do. I can't be like this forever Stefan: Tyler, I'm just trying to save Elena Tyler: Elena will be fine! Stefan: They didn't tell you that part, did they? Who are the liars now? Tyler: Tell me what? Stefan: In order to break the curse, Elena has to die (Elena is in the house, looking outside) Elena: Are you growing the trees out there? Stefan? (Brady is outside. Elena takes a knife and goes outside) Elena: Stefan, what are you doing out there? (Brady catches her but she stabs him, goes into the house and locks the door. Brady removes the knife and breaks the door. Elena goes upstairs) Brady: I can smell you (She removes her sweater, puts it on the bed and run. Brady goes upstairs and sees the sweater. Elena goes downstairs, in her parent's bedroom and hide. Brady goes in it and opens the hidden room but she's not here. When he turns himself, she drive a stake through his body and run. She takes the knife and run. He removes the stake. She runs outside. He follows her but Stefan rip his heart out. Elena rushes in his arms) Stefan: It's OK. It's OK. You're OK. You're OK. You're all right. It's OK (She sees Tyler) Elena: Tyler? Tyler: I didn't know what they were gonna do to you. I didn't. I just... I didn't want to be like this anymore. I'm sorry, Elena (She goes toward him and embraces him) Elena: It's okay [Salvatore's House] (Jules has a carabine in her hands) Jules: You know what the great thing about buckshot is? It scatters through the body, maximum damage. Where's the moonstone? Damon: Get over it, honey. You're never gonna get it Elijah: You looking for this? (They all turn to look at him. He has the moonstone in his hands. He puts it on the bar) Elijah: Go ahead. Take it (One werewolf goes toward him but he rips his heart out. Two others come but he rip their hearts too. Jules leaves. Stevie tries to hide but Elijah goes toward him) Elijah: What about you, sweetheart, hmm? You want to take a shot? Yes, no, yes? Where's the girl? Damon: I don't know Elijah: It doesn't really matter (He punches Stevie in the face and kills him in the same time. He goes toward Damon and removes all the chains) Elijah: So you realize this is the third time I've saved your life now? (He takes the moonstone and leaves) (Damon is on the phone with Bonnie) Damon: So he planned to kill her all along Bonnie: Yeah. The sacrifice is part of Elijah's plan Damon: Got it loud and clear (He hangs up. Alaric wakes up) Damon: Finally. You missed all the fun (Alaric's phone rings. He takes it. It's Jenna) Jenna: There you are. Are you OK? Alaric: Yeah, sorry. I... I... I've just been grading papers. Honestly, uh... I fell asleep. I'm sorry. Jenna, I'm a jerk Jenna: No. It's fine. I'm just glad you're OK Alaric: Sorry. Tomorrow I'm all yours, OK? Jenna: Sure. Sounds great Alaric: All right. Good night, Jenna Jenna: Good night (They hang up) [Gilbert's lake house] (Stefan is on the phone with Damon) Damon: It was straight from the witch's mouth. He was gonna go through with the whole sacrifice. You should probably just keep her away a little longer Stefan: Be careful. Try not to get yourself killed Damon: Yeah. It's been a day for that (He hangs up. Elena rejoins Stefan) Stefan: That was, um...that was Damon. We need to talk Elena: What is it? Stefan: He learned that Elijah's planning for you to die in the sacrifice ritual (She's not surprised) Elena: I know the deal I made, Stefan. Elijah's very careful with his words. He promised to protect my friends. He never said a word about me Stefan: You mean, you knew that you weren't gonna survive this? Elena: If it comes down to the people that I love getting killed or me, I know what my choice is gonna be Stefan: Elena, how...how could you stand out there earlier with me, talking about making plans for our future, when you don't even expect to have one? Elena: I'm sorry, Stefan. I'm just trying to keep the people that I love safe. I'm trying to keep you safe Stefan: No. What you're doing is you're being a martyr Elena: How is that any different from when you say that you would die to keep me safe? Stefan: Because I've already lived. 162 years I have lived, and you've barely begun, and now you want to let yourself get killed? That's not heroic. It's tragic (He looks at her and leaves) [Caroline's house] (Bonnie is alone with Jeremy) Jeremy: So will Luka remember anything? Bonnie: No. He'll know he lost consciousness, that's all Jeremy: Should we wait for Caroline? Bonnie: She was just gonna drop Luka back at the Grill. Said to lock the door on our way out Jeremy: Yeah. Well, I hope she drops him hard Bonnie: Wait. You're Elena's little brother, I've known you forever. You're that punk kid. I remember your awkward phase and then your emo phase, Your druggie phase and overnight, you turned into this hot guy who's really sweet and... Jeremy: You think I'm hot? Bonnie: With everything that's going on, you know, curses and sacrifice... Jeremy: Enough already (They kiss) [Lockwood's mansion] (Carol is turning out the lights when she hears a noise) Carol: Hello? Hello? (She finds a letter from Tyler) [Mystic grill] (Tyler rejoins Matt) Tyler: Matt Matt: I'm not in the mood, man Tyler: I need to say something Matt: All right. Say it Tyler: I've been going through a rough time, something I can't really talk about, and Caroline's been helping me through it. She's been there for me more than anyone's ever been there my entire life, and I kind of fell for her. I don't know how anyone wouldn't because she's pretty incredible. But she loves you, and she needs you and to be honest, she deserves someone like you. So you be good to her, OK? Matt: Yeah, man. Of course Tyler: See you around, Matt Matt: Yeah (Tyler leaves) [Caroline's house] (Caroline is in her bedroom but she feels that someone's here so she goes toward the main door) Caroline: Mom? (She looks outside but doesn't see anybody. Tyler's here, looking at her. Then he leaves and rejoins Jules to her car) Tyler: I'm sorry about Brady and your friends but if I'm gonna go with you, no more lies Jules: No more lies. You're doing the right thing Tyler: I can't stay here, not like this (They leave)

Plan: A: Stefan; Q: Who kills Brady? A: a weekend; Q: How long do Stefan and Elena spend at the Gilbert lakehouse? A: Tyler; Q: Who tells Matt that he has feelings for Caroline? A: Brady; Q: Who does Stefan kill to save Elena? A: his past; Q: What does Jenna worry Alaric isn't being honest about? A: Jules; Q: Who leaves town with Tyler? A: Bonnie; Q: Who performs a hypnosis spell on Luka? A: Klaus; Q: Who does Luka say Elijah plans to kill? A: his sister; Q: Who does Klaus have? A: the moonstone; Q: What are Jules and her friends torturing Damon for information about? A: Elijah intervenes; Q: Who saves Damon from the wolves? A: a wooden bullet; Q: What does Brady shoot Stefan with? A: Jeremy; Q: Who does Bonnie kiss? A: a martyr; Q: What does Stefan tell Elena she is behaving like? Summary: Stefan and Elena spend a weekend at the Gilbert lakehouse, unaware that they've been followed by Tyler and Brady. Jenna worries that Alaric isn't being honest about his past. Jules and Brady explain the sun and moon curse to Tyler and lure him into helping them. Bonnie performs a hypnosis spell on Luka in order to get information. Luka reveals that Elijah plans to kill Klaus by making him vulnerable after he sacrifices Elena. He also reveals that Klaus has his sister, so he and his father are working for Elijah to help him kill Klaus. Jules and her friends torture Damon for information about the moonstone, but Elijah intervenes, kills most of the wolves, and saves Damon. Brady finds Stefan and shoots him with a wooden bullet, leaving Tyler to guard him. When Tyler learns that Elena has to die for the curse to be broken, he lets Stefan go. Stefan kills Brady to save Elena. Meanwhile, Jeremy and Bonnie confess their feelings for each other and kiss. Realising that Elena knew about Elijah's real plan for her, Stefan tells her that she is behaving like a martyr. Tyler tells Matt that he has feelings for Caroline but knows that Caroline loves Matt. The episode ends with Jules and Tyler leaving town.

Part II Teleplay by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri Part II Story by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are getting ready for the flight to London and Monica comes running in.] Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!! (She runs back to her apartment.) Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica. [Cut to the girls' apartment, Monica is putting things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel watch.] Monica: Passport, check! (As she puts away each item, she says check.) Camera, check! Traveller's cheques, check! Rachel: Who are you saying "check" too? Monica: Myself. Y'know for remembering to pack a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get a check! (pause) My mom does it, I never realized it was weird. Phoebe: Yeah, my mom used to put her head in the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one time. But it was pretty weird. Ross: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Are you ready yet? Monica: Yep! You got the tickets? Ross: Oh! Got 'em right here, (Pats his coat pocket) check! [Cut to the guys' apartment.] Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go. (He takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler and starts towards the girls' apartment.) Chandler: You got your passport? Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser. You don't want to lose that. (Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesn't know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.) Joey: Ohh!! (Runs to his room.) Chandler: There it is. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, Monica is telling Phoebe where everything is.] Monica: Okay, if you need the vacuum, it's in my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator... Phoebe: Okay, okay, but Rachel's gonna be here too, can't I just ask her this stuff? Monica: Yeah, okay, give that a try! Chandler: (entering, with Joey) All right! Let's do it! Joey: Woo-hoo!! Ross: Yeah, cheerie-o! Joey: London baby! Chandler: Okay, 'cause that's not gonna get annoying. Joey: (louder) London baby!! Chandler: Hey, y'know what? I was wrong. Ross: Well, we're all here! I guess we should get going! Phoebe: Ohhh, I wanna come over there and give you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding, but I don't-can't get up. Ross: Oh, I'll-I'll come hug you. Phoebe: Great! Yeah, could you bring me the newspaper? Ross: Yeah. (He does so and Phoebe hugs him.) Phoebe: Oh, have a great wedding! Ross: Thanks. Phoebe: Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too! Chandler: Hey! (Trots over) Phoebe: Oh, and great! You might as well bring me my book, it's on the counter in your apartment. Chandler: Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebe's book as Rachel comes in from her room.) Ross: (to Rachel) So, we're off. Rachel: Have fun! Ross: Thanks! (They hug.) Ugh, I can't believe you're not gonna be there! Rachel: Oh, I know. Ross: So-so come! Why don't you come? Rachel: What?! Ross: To London! Come to London. Please? It'll mean so much to me. Rachel: Yeah, well, I gotta work, I'm sorry. Ross: Why-why can't you take a couple of days off? Rachel: Because, I can't! Ross, I told you, no. I can't. Ross: This is my wedding. Monica: All right, y'know what? We really are late! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!! Ross: Fine. You'll-you'll watch it on video when we get back. Chandler: (entering, with Phoebe's book.) Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo. Phoebe: (laughs) Thank you. (Chandler kneels down with his arms spread waiting for his hug. Phoebe: Thank you. (She pats him on his head.) Ross: All right, let's go! Bye, Pheebs! Joey: Bye, Pheebs! (They all start out, Rachel gives each one a kiss, and says "bye." In the hall, Joey says...) Joey: London baby!! (And Rachel slowly closes the door, sadly.) Phoebe: Oh, do you need a hug? You don't have to bring me anything! (And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves it's entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.) [Scene: Street in front of the London Marriott, Joey and Chandler exit. Joey is carrying a video camera and is shooting Chandler.] Joey: Come on! Do something! Chandler: I am, I'm ignoring you. Joey: Okay, here! (Gives him the camera.) I wanna be the on camera guy. All right, first stop, Westminster Abbey. (Joey folds out his "pop-up" map of London. All of the major landmarks pop-up like in a pop-up book.) Chandler: Oh, what the hell is that? Joey: It's London, baby! All right, the hotel's here. (Points to the map.) Wait. No, we wanna go... No. I know. (Sets the map down.) I'm gonna have to go into the map. (So Joey literally steps into the map.) Chandler: Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it! Joey: I got it! (Picks up the map and starts walking.) Here we go. Chandler: Okay. Listen-listen, we're not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we? Joey: Shhh! (Pause) Man, you made me lose it! (He goes into the map again.) [Scene: Another street, somewhere along the River Themes, Ross, Emily, and Monica are walking to where they're gonna get married. Emily is relating the troubles with the caterer.] Emily: ...and that was all before 10 o'clock. The caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. And then the florist phoned to say there aren't any tulips. Oh, and the chilliest has carpel-tunel syndrome. We're not gonna be... Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, (Gives her the time-out signal.) honey, okay? Emily: Well, up yours too! Ross: What?! No! No! That's-that's time-out! Emily: Sorry. Ross: Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everything's gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on. Monica: Chicken Kiev? Ross: Um-hmm! Doesn't that sound delicious at the last minute? Monica: Yeah, y'know, but something like salmon which would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldn't have to worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.) So, I can't wait to see this place you're getting married! Ross: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emily's parents got married here. Emily: I still can't believe they're tearing it down. It really is the most lovely building you'll ever see. I mean it's over... (She stops suddenly, when she sees that demolition has already started.) Oh my God! Monica: It's nice. Emily: Oh. Oh. (She starts running towards the building.) [Cut to inside.] Emily: (running in, with Ross) Oh. Oh my God. How can this be happening? What are we going to do? Ross: It's all right! Everything's gonna be all right. Emily: How's it gonna be all right?! Ross: Uh-huh, I see that. Monica: (entering) Okay, I talked to the guy with the shovel and I found out what happened. Ross: What? What? Monica: They torn it down a few days early. [Scene: Westminster Abbey, Joey and Chandler have successfully navigated the streets of London and are approaching the Abbey.] Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I've ever seen. Hey! (Pushes Chandler in front of the camera.) Okay. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler? Chandler: I think it's great. It's great. Y'know, they're thinking of changing the name of this place. Joey: Really? To what? Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!! Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby. (He starts chasing Chandler towards the Abbey.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is trying to move off of the couch as Rachel enters.] Phoebe: Oh. Oh. Rachel: Oh, honey! Don't get up! What do you need? Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing. Rachel: Come on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything. Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie. Rachel: Okay, that is all you. Phoebe: So-so, what do you want for lunch? Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I guess we have to eat. Phoebe: Yeah, I do. What's the matter? Rachel: I'm just bummed about the way I left things with Ross. I shouldn't have lied to him about having to work. He seemed so mad at me. Phoebe: Eh, don't be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love with was getting married... Rachel: (interrupting) Still in love with?! Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: I'm not in love with Ross! Phoebe: Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither. Rachel: Phoebe, I'm going to Ross's wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, I'm still in love with him! I mean, hey, y'know, I like Ross as much as the next guy, y'know? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings don't mean love! I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesn't mean that-that I'm still in love with him. Y'know? I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love him-Ohh! Oh my God! Oh my-why didn't you tell me?!! Phoebe: We thought you knew! Rachel: We?! Phoebe: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time! Rachel: You all know? Does Ross know? Phoebe: Oh no, Ross doesn't know anything. Rachel: Oh, I can not believe you didn't tell me! Phoebe: Well, because we thought you knew!! It's so obvious! God, that would be like telling Monica, "Hey, you like things clean." [Scene: A park in London, Joey and Chandler walk up to a souvenir stand.] Joey: Hey! The Vendor: So, what are you guys in the market for? We've got uh, scarves, tulip post cards... Joey: Check this out? Huh? (Joey has this big tall hat with a British flag on the front of it.) Yeah. That's the stuff. What do you think? Chandler: Well, I don't have to buy that, "I'm with stupid" T-shirt anymore. Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for the hat.) Chandler: All right, look, you're not really gonna buy that are you? Don't you think you've embarrassed me enough for one day? Joey: Oh, I embarrass you? Chandler: How can I answer that when I'm pretending I don't know you? The Vendor: He's just jealous. You'll fit right in; all Londoners wear them! Chandler: Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them? The Vendor: (looks around) They're all tourists. Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y'know, you're gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself. Joey: Oh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) If you're gonna make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat. The Vendor: Good choice. Joey: Thanks. Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, that's it, okay, I'm out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.) [Scene: The hotel, Ross's room, Emily is entering.] Emily: Hello? Ross: Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you know what? He seems to think we'll be able to find a new place for the wedding. Emily: We don't have to. Ross: Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place? Emily: No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-and I was so upset about the hall being knocked down, and she suggested that we put the wedding off for a bit. Ross: She said what? Emily: She said, "If I'm not gonna be happy getting married somewhere that we find in a day, well then we should just postpone it." Ross: Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica realises how much our parents spent on this wedding? Do you my sister's teeny-tiny little brain comprehends that people took time out of their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here, huh? (He puts his pants on backwards.) This isn't right. Emily: I realize that people are going to be disappointed. But, I'm sure they'll come back when we can do it right. Ross: I can't ask people to do that? Would you ask people to do that? (Holds out his pants) Emily: Don't you point your pants at me! (She throws them on the floor.) We have no choice! Anywhere that's half-decent would've be booked months ago, Ross don't you understand? This is our wedding I'm talking about. Ross: The only thing I understand is; postponing it is not an option. This is when we're getting married. Emily: So what are you saying? It's now or never? Ross: No. I'm saying it's now. (He starts putting on his pants, backwards again.) Emily: Or? Ross: There's no 'or' in mind. What is wrong with these pants?!! Emily: It's not the pants. It's you that is backwards. And if, and if you don't understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldn't get married at all! (She storms out.) Ross: (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No, wait, stop! Emily, please-(He catches something important in the zipper and howls like a little boy and falls to the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the couch as Rachel returns carrying a bunch of shopping bags.] Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: (depressed) Hi. Phoebe: So, did shopping make you feel any better about Ross? Rachel: Manhattan does not have enough stores. Phoebe: Well, I think I can help you get over him. Rachel: You can? Phoebe: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross. Rachel: Um-hmm. Phoebe: And a small piece of chocolate. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers up all of these things.) Rachel: Ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt and hang it from a north-facing tree? Phoebe: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the chocolate is for me. I just didn't feel like getting up. Okay, I'm gonna show you a picture of Ross. Okay? And you're going to remember all of the bad things about him. All right? Really focus on his flaws. Rachel: I can do that. I certainly did it when we were going out. Phoebe: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think he's such a great guy. Here. (Hands her the picture, Rachel grabs it out of her hand.) Okay, now, close your eyes. And imagine that you're with Ross okay and imagine that you're kissing him. And you're-you're running your hands all over his body. And then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it's some kind of grease, it's-uck! Hah? Rachel: I don't know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, and y'know it was always more crunchy than it was greasy. Phoebe: Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought. Umm, let's try some uh, aversion therapy. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Okay? Rachel: All right. Phoebe: So uh, now look at the picture... Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: All right, and umm... (She grabs the picture and smacks her in the head.) Rachel: Ow! Phoebe: Okay, how do you feel now? Rachel: Well, I like you less! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's hotel room. Chandler is watching TV as Joey returns, still wearing his hat.] Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. (He nods at the hat.) Joey: Oh. (Takes off the hat.) Sorry! Chandler: No-no-no, y'know what? I really shouldn't have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn't cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I've had a really lousy day. Joey: Me too. Chandler: Yeah? Joey: Noo!! I've had the best day ever! Dude, check this out! Monica: (entering) Hey! Joey: Sh-shh-shh! (He motions for her to watch something he has taped.) [Cut to the tape Joey made in front of some famous place in London with a rather famous English-type person.] Joey: (on tape) Okay, so say hi to my friend and tell him that you like the hat. Fergie: (Yep, Sarah, the Duchess of York) Okay, so umm, what's your friend's name? Joey: (on tape) Oh, Chandler. Fergie: Hi Chandler! (Waves) Chandler: That's... That's was... Monica: Oh my God! Joey: That's Fergie baby!! Fergie: Joey says you don't really like his hat, but I think it's kinda dashing. Chandler: How did you? How? How? Joey: Well, I was trying to figure out how to get to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I'm in my map and-and...(Ross enters) Hey! Monica: Hey! Ross: Hi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily. Monica: (laughs) Yes, I did! And you are welcome! Ross: Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?! Monica: Umm... Chandler: I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Joey: Wait up! (They both run to the bathroom.) Ross: Hey-hey, since you're the 'fix-it' lady, here's a pickle, what do you do when the bride says she doesn't want to have the wedding at all? Monica: She said that?! Ross: Yeah. Monica: Why?! Ross: I don't know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out. Monica: Oh my God. You're even dumber than I am! Ross: Excuse me? Monica: Ross, how long have you been planning this wedding? Ross: I don't know. A month? Monica: Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That's what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry), with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was. Ross: I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing the flying nun. Monica: Sometimes we were. Ross: Come on. You gotta help me figure out what to do. Okay? Monica: Okay. Ross: Come on. (They leave and Chandler sticks his head out.) Chandler: That was pretty intense huh? Joey: Yeah. (Pause) Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here! Chandler: (glares at him) I hope he did! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and Phoebe answers it.] Phoebe: Hello. Joey: (on phone) Hey, Pheebs! It's Joey! Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on the-that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say 'hi!' but then I figured, he doesn't care if he looks like you. Joey: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing? Phoebe: Ohh, they're having a great time with their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn't been helpful at all. So, do you miss me? Joey: Kinda, but I've just been having way too much fun. Phoebe: So you're not homesick yet? Joey: No, I don't think so. Phoebe: All right, the seven of us miss you. Joey: Who's seven? Phoebe: Y'know, me, Rachel, the birds, the babies... Joey: Ahh, the babies miss me? (There is a knock on Rachel and Phoebe's door.) Phoebe: Ooh, the pizza guy's here! Joey: What? You ordered pizza without me?! Phoebe: Yeah. But y'know we were thinking about you, y'know we ordered the Joey Special. Joey: Two pizzas?! Phoebe: Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later. Joey: Wait, well, where did you get it from?! (Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, he's happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.) [Scene: Ross and Emily's planned wedding place, Monica is dragging Emily in.] Emily: Monica, why have you brought me here of all places?! Monica: You'll see. Emily: I tell you, this wedding is not going to happen. (At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to light the place up.) Emily: Oh God. Ross: Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights, okay? And-and y'know fewer bricks, and-and-and flowers, and candles... Monica: And the musicians, look, they can go over here (Points to a little alcove), okay? And the chairs can face this way (Points), and... (Points to Ross) You go. Ross: But-but, if you don't love this, we'll do it in any other place at any other time. Really, it's fine, whatever you want. Emily: It's perfect. Ross: And, I don't know, if it starts to rain... Emily: Well then we'll get wet. (They kiss.) Monica: Ohh. And I don't even have a date. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is in her bedroom.] Rachel: Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: Do you remember where the duck food is? Phoebe: Yeah, it's in the guys' apartment under the sink. Why? Rachel: (enters with a bag packed) Because I'm going to London. Phoebe: What?! What do you mean you're going to London? Rachel: Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him. Now honey, you take care, you don't have those babies until I get back. (Kisses her stomach.) Phoebe: I-Rachel, you can't go! Ross loves Emily! Rachel: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision. Phoebe: That's not why you're going! You're going because you hope he's gonna say, "Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy." Rachel: Ohh-Do you think he will?! Phoebe: No! Because he's in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you're just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! Y'know, it's too late! You missed you're chance! I'm sorry, I know this must be really hard, it's over. Rachel: Y'know what? No. It's not over until someone says, "I do." (Exits) Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the hall, but Rachel doesn't stop.) I do! (Gives up.) Ugh, like I can really chase you. I'm carrying a litter. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Moving Shot towards The Waltham House. A phone is ringing.] Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence. Phoebe: Oh...yes..is this..umm..Emily's Parents' house. Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking. And by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses oneself on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak. Phoebe: (In a British accent) This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it's not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak to Miss Emily Waltham, please? Housekeeper: Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it's not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye. Phoebe: No no no, I'll be nice, I swear!!! Could you just give me the number for where they are? Housekeeper: I'm afraid, I'm not at liberty to divulge that information. Phoebe: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody, alright. So if you don't give me that number then I'm going to come over there and kick your snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire. Housekeeper: Hangs up. Phoebe: Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I could kick her ass. [Scene: Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross and Emily are standing in the reception area. Monica arrives with her parents.] Monica: Hey. Ross: (Ross hugs his mom and dad)Hi. Mom. Dad. Mrs. Geller: Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube. Mr. Geller: (embarrassed) Judy, the kids.. Mrs. Geller: Jack, that's what they call the subway. Mr. Geller: Ohh, I thought that you.... Ross and Monica: Dad, dad. We got it!! We Got It!!! Emily: Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum. Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and Andrea Waltham. Mr. Waltham: (Shaking everyone's hand.) Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.) Darling it's the Gellers. (She pays no attention she's talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder) Darling, it's the Gellers. (She's still not responding.) She's very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her. Mrs. Waltham: (Looking evilly at her husband) Sorry, what? Mr. Waltham: It's the Gellers! Mrs. Waltham: Where? Mr. Waltham: Well there's one (pointing towards Jack) and there's another (pointing towards Judy). Mrs. Waltham: Lovely to meet you. Mr. Waltham: Terribly nice of you to offer to pay for half the wedding. (He hand a multipage bill to Jack.) Mr. Geller: Ohh forget it. Too hell with tradition, we're happy to do it. Mrs. Geller: We know how expensive weddings can be, besides this may be the only wedding we get to throw (patting Monica on the shoulder.). Monica: Ha ha, a joke that's funny in all countries. (Ross quickly directs the families to their tables.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey are standing by the kitchen entrance. A waiter comes out.] Waiter: Sir? (Looking at Joey.) Joey: What's in it? Waiter: Goat cheese, water chestnuts, and panchetta. (Joey Looks down disgustingly at the food.) Joey: (Looking up at the waiter)That's not food...No, I don't, no...(Taps Chandler on the shoulder.) Everything's different here...I want to go home. I...I miss my family. I miss the coffee house. I can't even remember what Phoebe looks like. Chandler: Joey, it's been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself. Joey: (Pointing at Chandler.) Your different here too. Your mean in England. (Chandler throws his hands up to his head in frustration. They walk away from each other.) [Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross, Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there.] Mr. Geller: (Looking at ht wedding bill.) What the hell!!! Ross: what's up, Dad? Mr. Geller: This bill for my half of the wedding. it's insane. Mrs. Geller: How could it be so much? The receptions at their house. Mr. Geller: (Pointing items out on the bill.) Flowers, liquor, recarpet first floor. New guest bath, landscaping. I'm paying to remodel this guys house. (Angrily gets up.) I'm going to give that son on a bitch, a piece of my mind. Ross: (Holding him back.)Dad, dad, please. Look I don't want anything to upset Emily tonight. Alright, she's had a hard enough couple of days as it is. (Picks up the bill.) Now here, here, let me go talk to him, okay? Mr. Geller: And you tell him no one takes advantage of the Gellers. Mrs. Geller: Ooh, Jack....(He looks over to her) Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be. (They embrace and kiss passionately.) Monica: (Looking nauseous from her parents kissing.) And I'm going to go get drunk. (Gets up to get a drink.) [Scene: An airport in New York.] Rachel: (Running to the ticket counter) Ooh, ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. (Slightly out of breath) Hi. Ticket Agent: (Cheerfully.) Hello. Rachel: (Faking cheerfulness.) Hello. Umm, when is your next flight to London? Ticket Agent: (looking at her computer terminal) There's one leaving in thirty minutes. Rachel: Ohh, good. Ticket Agent: And I do have one seat left. Rachel: Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Ticket Agent: The last minute fare on this ticket is twenty seven hundred dollars. Rachel: (looking through her wallet.) Ohh, I just don't think I have enough left on my credit card. Ticket Agent: Well you can split it with another credit card. Rachel: Ohh, okay, how about five. (She hands her all the credit cards.) Ohh, thank you. Ticket Agent: I'm just going to need to see your passport. Rachel: (Looking through her purse.) Okay, you know what? I don't have it, but I can tell you exactly where it is on my night stand, and...okay. But you know what? I have my drivers license and I have a twenty. (She slides it across the counter.) Ticket Agent: (Slides the twenty back and tosses her credit card onto the counter.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross is at the Walthams' table discussing the bill.] Ross: Look, face it, my father is not going to pay for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to get you the new lawn. Mr. Waltham: Ahh, then you have to give us the lawn ornaments. Ross: I go back there with lawn ornaments, he's going to laugh in my face. Mrs. Waltham: This is ridiculous. I mean we had an agreement. (Ross looks frustrated. She begins to scream at her husband.) Will you say something, Steven?! Please!!! Mr. Waltham: Don't take that tone with me. (She looks evilly at him.) All-all right you can. (He looks over at Ross and Shrugs.) [Scene: The Girls apartment. Phoebe is dialing the phone and Rachel runs in the door.] Rachel: (Running to her room.) Hi, Pheebs. Phoebe: (Looking relieved. She puts down the phone.) Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be alone, and you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and... Rachel: (Running back out the door with her passport.) Bye, Pheebs. Phoebe: (Trying to get up.) Wait!! Where are you going?! What are you doing?! No!! Wait!! (Not able to get up.) God!! Why am I always pregnant when she does that?! [Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler, Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to make a toast.] Chandler: I'd like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or Melba toast, if you will. (No one in the room laughs. He starts to get flustered.) Okay. I known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend. (Ross looks embarrassed.) And I thought things were going to work out for him..Until the day he over inflated her. (He laughs. Jack looks at Judy and no one in the room laughs.) Ohh, Dear God.. (A cellular phone rings.) Mrs. Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors. Phoebe: Oh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak with ether one of the best men, or Ross's sister Monica. Mrs. Waltham: Who is this? Phoebe: Oh, I'm Phoebe Buffay. I'm one of Ross's best friends. Mrs. Waltham: Well, if you're on e of Ross's best friends, why aren't you here? Phoebe: Yeah, um, I can't fly. I'm having my brother's babies. Mrs. Waltham: Oh, am I on the radio? Phoebe: No..umm, could I talk to one of them? It's very very important. Mrs. Waltham: No, I'm bored with you now. I'm going to cut you off. (She hangs up.) Phoebe: Ohh! Okay, I'm going to have to kick her ass too. Chandler: (Continuing his toast.) And I'm sure we're all very excited that Ross and Emily are getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean to think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall. (No reaction from the people.) Ohh, come on!! Monty Hall!! Lets make a Deal!! Come on, you people!! All right, forget it!! Congratulations, Ross and Emily. (He sits down.) Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now I'm not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home...Home...New York City...Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love you guys. (pointing at everyone.) But not as much as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could we please..go home now? (One of the bridesmaids, Felicity, puts her arm around Joey.) Felicity: (Putting her arm around Joey.) Are you going home? I was hoping to get to know you better. Joey: (Putting his arm around her.) I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. [Scene: Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa. Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment because of the toast.] Monica: I was laughing. (Patting him on the knee.) Chandler: Out loud? Monica: Well I didn't want everyone to think I was stupid. Chandler: So how are you doing? Monica: My mother's driving me crazy, but Ross is getting married. I'm happy. (A drunken man approaches.) I'm not going to let anything spoil that. Drunk Man: I just want to say that Ross is a wonderful young man. Monica: Well, thanks, we like him. Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a teenage when you had him. (Monica stares straight forward after the comment. Chandler tries to console her by patting her on the shoulder.) (Ross and Emily's parents are seated at a table. Ross is between them and they are discussing the wedding bill.) Mr. Geller: There's no way in hell, I'm paying for it. Ross: Look, were down to just one point. Could we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding. Mr. Geller: All-right fine, but I just want to say, I'm not paying for your wine cellar. You thieving, would be speaking German if it weren't for us, cheap little man. (Emily's stepmum looks shocked. Jack and Judy get up and leave.) (Chandler's trying to console Monica.) Chandler: The guy was hammered, okay? There's no way, you look like Ross's mother. Monica: Then why would he say it? Chandler: Because he's crazy. Okay? He came up to me earlier and thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic. Monica: Oh, my mother's right. I'm never going to get married. Chandler: Ahh, you know what? That is....Who wouldn't want you? Monica: Ohh, Please?! I'm a single mom, with a thirty year old son!! [Scene: The airport. Rachel runs up to the ticket counter.] Rachel: Hi, I'm back. Listen, I need to... Ticket Agent: Hello. Rachel: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o'clock flight. Ticket Agent: Oh I'm afraid that plane has already pulled away from the gate. Rachel: Okay, you know what/ You're going to have to call that plane and tell them to swing around and come and pick me up. Ticket Agent: I can't do that. Rachel: Sure, you know what? Come on, we'll just tell them that there was like a problem with like the "engine". Ticket Agent: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to step aside, Miss. Rachel: Look, If I don't get to London!! He is going to marry that other girl!!! Ticket Agent: I can't imagine why. Rachel: All right, you know what? I am not leaving here, until you call that plane back!! (She pounds her hand on the counter twice. The ticket agent counters by placing the closed sign on the counter and tapping it twice.) [Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Ross bursts into the room.] Ross: (Screaming) I'm getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!! Chandler: (With the covers pulled up to his chin.) Morning, Ross. Ross: I'm getting married, to..day!! Chandler: Yeah you are!! Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door. Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Chandler and Monica are lying in the bed together talking. There's an awkward air between them. They are both clutching the covers in from of them.] Chandler: Well I've-I've never done that with you before. Monica: (In am uneasy voice.) Nope. (She chuckles uneasily.) Chandler: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya...How ya... You okay? Monica: Yep, yep...You? Chandler: Yes...Yes..Uh-huh, You?(Looking over at her. She looks back.) We did you. Monica: Well...I'd better get going. Chandler: Oh yea yea, absolutely. Monica: (Scoots towards the side of the bed.) Could you not look? Chandler: I don't want to look. [Scene: The Virgin Atlantic flight to London that Rachel is on.] Rachel: Ohhh.(she rhythmically taps her hands on the magazine on her lap.) Passenger: Ahh, ahh, excuse me. Rachel: Yeah? Passenger: If you're planning on doing that throughout the entire flight. Please tell me now. So that I could that a sedative...or perhaps slip you one. Rachel: Oh. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. Sorry. (She hums and sighs happily.) It's just, I'm ahh, I'm kinda excited. I'm, ahh, going to London to ahh, tell this guy that I love him and... (He puts his headphones on to ignore her.) [Scene: Joey enters his hotel room. The phone is ringing.] Joey: Hello? Phoebe: (Angrily.) Hey, were the hell have you been?! Joey: Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is so... Phoebe: I don't want to hear about her!! Joey: Ahh Pheebs, you know you're still my number one girl. Phoebe: No! No, we have an emergency. Okay? Rachel's coming to London. Joey: Ohh great!!! Phoebe: No it's not great. No, she's coming to tell Ross that she loves him. Joey: (Confused.) But, he loves Emily? Phoebe: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop her!! She's going to ruin the wedding!! Joey: Okay. Phoebe: All right, so, okay... Joey: Hold on. Hold on. (Picking up a note pad and writing and reading the message aloud.) Rachel coming. Do...Something. Phoebe: Okay, so I'm done my part, okay. It's your responsibility now, okay. The burden is off me, right? Joey: Right! Phoebe: So tell me about this girl? (The guys hotel room. Joey's there. Chandler comes out of the bathroom in a robe.) Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Joey: Have you seen Monica? Chandler: (Very defensive.) I'm not seeing Monica. Joey: (With a confused look on his face.) What? Chandler: What? Joey: Look we've got to find her. Phoebe just called!! Rachel's coming to tell Ross she loves him!! Chandler: Oh my god! Joey: I know! That's why we got to find Monica!! You know where she is? Chandler: No!! Okay!! What's with the third degree?! Why don't you just shine a light in my eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.) [Scene: The plane. Rachel's telling her story to the passenger on her left. The one on her left is still wearing his headphones.] Rachel: ...And so then I realized. All this stuff I had been doing. proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding. Was all just a way of... Passenger: (Frustrated he takes his headphones off.) Oh, oh oh!! I'm sorry, can I interrupt? You know I just want to say..That you are a horrible, horrible person. Rachel: Ehh, pardon me? Passenger: You say you love this man, yet you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I'm afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs.. This is a..this is a...terrible, terrible plan. Rachel: But he has to know how I feel! Passenger: But why? He loves this...this Emily person. No good can come of this. Rachel: (Sighing) Well I-I think your wrong. Passenger: Oh-no.(He bites his fist at her.)And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break. (Rachel gasps and doesn't know what to say. He puts his headphones back on.) [Scene: The church where Ross and Emily are to be married. Judy, Andrea, and Monica enter together.] Mrs. Geller: (Looking around at the chapel.) Oh my God! It's like a fairyland. Mrs. Waltham: I know, it's horrible isn't it? Monica: Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good. Mrs. Geller: I just hope... Monica: (Angrily.) You can let some of them go by!(Judy and Andrea go to the front of the chapel. Joey approaches Monica.) Joey: (Whispering.) Pisst, Monica. Alright, we really need to start looking out for Rachel. I'll cover the front door. You watch that big hole at the back of the building and I got Chandler covering Ross. Monica: (Awkwardly.) Why would I care where Chandler is? You know uhh...You know sometimes I don't even like Chandler. Joey: Okay. (They both walk off to watch for Rachel.) (Ross and chandler are standing next to the alter. Ross is practicing for the wedding.) Ross: (Using a slightly different inflection for each.) I do. I do. I do. Chandler: Oh yea, your right. It's the second one. Ross: (Very Nervous)Really? [Scene: Joey's in the front entrance watching for Rachel. The bridesmaid he met at the rehearsal dinner come in.) Felicity: (In a sexy voice.)Hello Joey. Joey: Hey, Felicity. Felicity: Umm, I thought about you all day. Joey: Yeah. Felicity: Um-hum. Talk New York to me again. Joey: (In a New York accent.) Fuggetaboutit. (She giggles.) How you doin? Felicity: Mmm. (She pushes him up against the wall and they begin to kiss.) Joey: Oh, yeah. (Back in the chapel. The parents are still fighting over the bill. Ross is refereeing.) Mrs. Geller: There's nothing to discuss. We're not paying for your wine cellar. Mr. Waltham: (Pleading.) You-you have to meet me in the middle here. Mr. Geller: (Forcefully.) Hey, you keep pushing me on this, my foots going to meet the middle of your ass. Ross: Dad!! (Emily comes running in.) Emily: What-what's going on?! Ross: Nothing, nothing. Everything's under control. Mr. Waltham: You want a piece of me, sir? Is that what your saying? (Pointing at Jack and poking him) You want a piece of me? Ross: (Stepping in between them.)Okay! Okay! That's it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All right, this is our wedding day! From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word. NO GRANDCHILDREN! (Pointing at his mother.) That's right!! Mr. Geller: Okay, okay. Mr. Waltham: Sorry old boy, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (Them all walk away. As he leaves he mutters to Jack.) I could kill you with my thumb, you know. Emily: What was all that about? Ross: (Sighing.) It was...This disagreement over...(She sighs. Ross notices her in her wedding dress.) My god. You...you look beautiful. Emily: (Giggles.) Ohh...(She realizes that she's in her gown.) Oh! You were not meant to see me before the wedding. It's bad luck. Ross: You know what, I think we've had all the bad luck we're going to have. (He hugs her.) (The front entrance. Joey and the bridesmaid are up against the wall kissing. Rachel comes in the door and walks by Joey unnoticed. She walks into the chapel and sees Ross and Emily kissing. She looks as though she wants to cry. Emily walks away and Ross turns and sees Rachel standing there.) Ross: My God. Rachel! (He walks towards her, grasps her hands and kisses her on the cheek.) Your here. I can't believe it. (She giggles.) What happen? Why are you here? Rachel: Well I just came...(She touches him near his heart. She's almost in tears.) I just needed to tell you...(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can barely hold back the tears.) [Scene: Camera fades to one of the band members playing guitar at the wedding. The chapel is full of guest. A groomsmen escorts a bridesmaid down the isle. Joey is waiting with Mrs. Waltham to escort he down the isle. A cellular phone rings.] Mrs. Waltham: (Answering the phone.) Hello, Waltham Interiors. Phoebe: Mrs. Waltham. Hi. It's Phoebe again. Mrs. Waltham: (Throws her head back in disgust.) Why?! Phoebe: Yea. Can I please, please, please talk to one of the best men? This is going to be the last time I promise. Mrs. Waltham: (Slapping the phone into Joey's chest.) Joey there's a girl on the phone for you. Joey: (Smiling.) Ohh great!! (Putting the phone to his ear.) Hello. (He begins to escort her down the aisle.) Phoebe: Did you stop Rachel? Joey: No, but it's okay. She just came in and gave him a hug, that it. Phoebe: So nothing got ruined? Joey: No. Phoebe: Oh that's so great! Ohh, so what's going on now? Joey: Ah, I'm-I'm walking down the aisle...Still walking. (Mrs. Waltham takes her place.) I'm about to pass the bridesmaid I hooked up with last night. (Looking at the bridesmaid.) Hey! (Talking to Phoebe.) I told her "Hey." And now I'm at the front with Ross. It's Phoebe. (He shows Ross the phone.) He looks pretty mad. Uh...I'd better go. Phoebe: No!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it up so I can listen. (Joey looks at Ross and holds the phone above Ross's shoulder.) (Chandler escorts Monica down the aisle.) Chandler: What we did last night was.... Monica: Stupid. Chandler: Totally crazy stupid. (He nods his head at the people seated.) Monica: What were we thinking? Chandler: I'm coming over tonight though, right? Monica: Oh yeah. Definitely. (They quickly take their places and Here Comes the Bride Begins to play. Everyone seated looks back. Emily is being escorted up the aisle by her father. She kisses him on the cheek and takes her place by Ross's side.) Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily... Emily: I, Emily... Minster: Take thee Ross... Emily: Take thee Ross... Minster: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us. Emily: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Minster: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross... Ross: I Ross... Minister: Take thee, Emily... Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily. Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on? (Rachel looks all around as if all the eyes in the chapel were looking at her as the picture fades to black.) CLOSING CREDITS

Plan: A: Phoebe; Q: Who repeatedly calls London to stop Rachel? A: Emily; Q: Who does Ross marry? A: Joey; Q: Who becomes homesick? A: Chandler; Q: Who does Joey embarrass while sightseeing in London? A: their wedding venue; Q: What is undergoing an early demolition? A: Monica; Q: Who suggests postponing the wedding? A: the partially-demolished church; Q: What did Ross and Monica transform into a suitable venue? A: the truth; Q: What is Rachel unable to tell Ross? A: Rachel's name; Q: What does Ross say at the altar? Summary: Everyone except Rachel and Phoebe fly to London for Ross and Emily's wedding. Joey embarrasses Chandler while sightseeing in London. Ross and Emily are shocked that their wedding venue is undergoing an early demolition. Monica suggests postponing the wedding, infuriating Ross. Back in New York, Rachel, realizing she loves Ross, heads to London to stop the wedding. Later, Ross and Monica surprise Emily by transforming the partially-demolished church into a suitable venue. Joey becomes homesick but a bridesmaid cheers him up. Phoebe repeatedly calls London to stop Rachel. After seeing Ross and Emily together, Rachel is unable to tell Ross the truth. Monica and Chandler sleep together, hiding it from the other friends. At the altar, Ross says Rachel's name instead of Emily's.

Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin are in McClaren's. Ted (2030): During the fall of 2008, I had a little problem. Barney comes dressed in a odd. Barney: Well, I must go to Stella. Tonight is the big night. I tried before, I always failed. This time I will succeed. Tonight... I am a lesbian. Robin, your lipstick. Ted: Oh, no! Take pictures, okay? Barney: Hi, Ted. Ted (2030): I lived in New York, but Stella was living across the river in New Jersey... Ted comes home and finds Stella on the couch, asleep, in undress. Ted: Oh, no! Ted (2030):... So I took the train all the time. Man: What's up, Ted? Ted: Hi, Matisse. Ted arrives at the bar. Marshall: Theodore! Barney: T-Diddy! You've missed that! Lily: Robin has had the job of presenter. Robin: And we have a free bottle of champagne. Marshall: But it's empty now. Ted: Oh, no! Ted (2030): So, it was always as if I missed any. Ted comes back with Stella where she is at table with her daughter. Stella: Sorry, we could not wait. It cooled. Ted: Oh, no! Lucy: Hey, big. Ted: What's up, G? Stella: Are you okay? Ted: Yeah, okay. It's just that... You know, I want to spend time with you, with my friends. I seem to spend my life on the train. Stella: Exactly, why not you invited your friends to come here? Ted: It's a great idea. Marshall, Lily, Barney and Ted are in the bar. Marshall: You want us to go in New Jersey? Oh, that's great. Ted: Why? Barney: First, I no longer have my gold medallions. I sold them when they are out of date, 400 years ago. Ted: Lily? Lily: I'm sorry, Ted. I am a New Yorker pure juice. I am programmed to despise and hate New Jersey and all it represents. Why I say that? You hate him more than anyone. Ted: What? I love New Jersey. Why you say that? Flashback Ted returned to the apartment. Ted: And then he walks past me. I hate you not respect the queue more than New Jersey. In fact, this is false. There's nothing I hate more than New Jersey. Then he arrives at the bar with a T-shirt indicating he did not like New Jersey. Ted: Great, huh? Marshall and Lily out of the apartment. Marshall: It's waiting for you? Ted: No, it'll take a while. I have to drop a massive New Jersey. End flashback Ted: So New Jersey is not my favorite place. But when we get married, and they have moved in with me, I will never stay there. Unless I see the Giants and I evacuated New York or I get rid of a body. Lily: Ted, if you murdered me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt thee for ever. Ted: And if I assassinate and bury you somewhere else? Lily: I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons. GENERIC Ted (2030): Children, your Aunt Robin was tired of his job, tired of lousy production... Robin: I am Robin Scherbatsky, and you look... (The Metro M falls) Etro New One to 23h. (Thus the one from 11 pm) And again at 1am. Ted (2030):... tired of the stories she had to announce. Robin: So hurry up and vote for the cutest dog in New York. Ted (2030):... and most of all, fed up with stupid puns. Robin: Four workers were electrocuted when a subway train derailed. Stay here for more... de-rail shocking. Joel, people died. Ted (2030): So, when she knew she was national presenter, she could finally say the words she longed to say for years. Lily, Marshall, Barney and Ted Metro New One look at the bar. Robin: Tonight is my last issue. I arrived in Metro New One as a small caterpillar. And for 4 years, this office was my cocoon.But tonight, I turned into a butterfly ambitious. Marshall: Why it looks silly? She had a stroke? Ted: Yeah, a stroke of genius. This speech is really good. Robin: With an eye on the horizon, a look at the truth, and an eye on you all. Lily: It's you who wrote, right? Ted: This is a modified version of one I did when I left the swim team because of an ear problem. Marshall: You wore towels. Ted: It's part of the team. Ted (2030): This Saturday, when Robin left for his first day, we crossed the river to experience the amazing nightlife of New Jersey. The band is at Stella except Robin. Ted: Stella has not found a babysitter, you're stuck. Instead, we'll all stay here and it'll be awesome. Stella: Well, there are games, there are movies. And there shall be beer in the garage. Stella goes out to the garage. Marshall: It's pathetic. It's Saturday night. We should get drunk in a bar. I know this sounds depressing, almost tragic, but it is a fact. Barney: Yeah, and I want another drink for this girl, Doris. I know I can ask this aircraft lesbian. Marshall: No snakes on that plane. Ted: Come on guys, you promised. We stay there and we try to have fun. We're all here. Being with friends. It's not that the primary? Lily: With the next train, you can be in McClaren's to 23h. Barney: You can be at 22h. Lily: No, I have to change. I'm not feeling in New Jersey. Stella came back with beers in their hands. Stella: You really hate this part. Marshall: What? No! Stella: No, I understand, you're New Yorkers, you need a bar.You could go to the coolest bar in the state, which is so close that you will not believe it. (They descend the basement) and bang, here. The coolest bar in New Jersey. Lily: Yeah, probably. Ted: That's great! We have darts. A half ping-pong. An aquarium. Look how it's getting a great night as planned. One could make the bait and watch them fight. Barney: No thank you. I play not with aquariums unless they are my two favorite animals: the pilot fish and torturlute. Did you see! Ted: For torturlute? You're right. Barney: Marshall. Marshall: You deserve better than that. Barney: Lily. Lily: Not good enough. Barney: Stella. Stella: Sorry. Barney: I fall not rest until we not make me respect for another person's knuckles brushing against mine so sweet, but manly.Small, small... Small, small... Small... Who's the baby? Know that as long as it does not have what he wants. No, deserves.This fist will not waver. It... bow... not. Stella: Who wants to play Scrabble? Lily: Yes, why not. Stella: Look, the letter "X" is a bit difficult to read because a few years ago, she walked into my dog. You know, we should get a dog when you come to live here. Ted: When I what? Stella: Super. This is Robin. She gets up and goes back to go open the door. Lily: I thought they came to live with you. Ted: Me too. My God, I moved to New Jersey? Barney: Guys, I'm sure the dog had to soaring after swallowing the tablet X. Too good! Go! Ted: I can not live here. Marshall: It's not so bad. You can put a mini fridge, there, and perhaps an air hockey. Barney: Air Hockey. Well done my fat. Ted: I speak of New Jersey in general, not the basement. She wants me moved? I do not get it. It was discussed there for months. Flashback Ted and Stella have a drink at the apartment. Ted: I thought that after marriage, Lucy and you could sit here. Stella: Yeah, it could play in the fire escape, be friend with the guy who sleeps on a couch in the driveway, biking on Broadway. Great idea, Ted. End flashback Ted: I understand why they want to live in New Jersey when you can live in Manhattan? I thought my apartment was one of his reasons for marrying me. Barney: Seriously, I thought it was the only one. Too much!(Robin arrives in the basement) You're glowing. Tape the Barnacle. Robin: Stella has already warned me. Marshall: So, your first day? Robin: It was not. All: What? Robin: It was not my first day. I arrived and there were 20 people. In fact, I have not really got the job. I just had an interview. Barney: How so? Robin: I know. He told me that I had had it. Flashback Robin is in the toilet of the bar, on the phone. Robin: I got it? I got it! Robin puts his phone and dance. Voice: Let's be clear, when I say "you", I mean the interview.You have the interview. I do not want there to be confusion.You only maintenance. Not the job. She takes her phone. Robin: Thank you! Thank you! End flashback Robin: I'll call and beg Joel for giving me my job. Marshall: No! Lily: You hate that job. Robin: It was not so bad. Lily: How they made you call the Hurricane Hector when he was pouring with rain? Robin: A cycorde. Marshall: You're in the eye of cycorde. Ted: Thank you. Barney: Naughty. Robin: That sucks, but I can do what? I will not have another job. You would have seen other women in the interview. They were all more experienced, more "ethnic". There was a black girl with blue eyes. How can I compete? Barney: You can not. Lily: You can compete with anyone. You're Robin Scherbatsky. Confident, strong, great. With super long legs that look great in shorts. Robin: I called Joel. Barney: If you call now, you'll regret it. I slept with me full of women who were then sent to graze and then decamped. And sometimes they take the phone and they call me and do it again. And when we finished, I see that look on their faces, that look that says they hate themselves and they would never have known. But if you could see this look... In fact, you can see that look, there is a video, http://www... Robin: Come on. I will not call. Stella (descending): not Drink Beer! I remember when I bought it. That was before she became pregnant with Lucy. You can go pick on PriceCo? While you will be there, get yourself a map. You surely will go there all the time. Barney: This is the look. [SCENE_BREAK] Ted and Marshall are at the supermarket. Ted: I can not live here. I hate being here. I would kill myself. Marshall: New Jersey is not so bad. Stella has a lawn. You can have a lawn mower. They sell there. I've seen with a cup holder. I saw a deck chair with a cup holder. I even saw a hammock with a cup holder. You live in New Jersey, you will not have to hold a cup. Ted: It asks me no problem holding a cup, unlike you. Stella... Barney: I'll give you $ 100 for hitting my fist. $ 200. Lily: Drop it, Barney. Your arm should make you suffer. Barney: $ 10 000. At the supermarket... Marshall: You'll be on the other side of the river. You'll be in New York all the time. Ted: I'm sorry. You are in New York? Woman: We lived in Manhattan. Ted: Are you in town? Woman: All the time. Marshall: You see? All the time. Ted: When was the last time? Man: We dined with O'Rourke. Ted: It's been closed for six years. Woman: It's been a while. Funny, not that we lack. Man: I guess is the New Jersey-vegans, now. Honey, look, T-shirt with dogs. Ted: I can not do that. I'll tell Stella she and Lucy are coming to town and that's it. Marshall: What do you think guys? Beagle, or Boston terrier? Stella... Lily: It's the tears? Barney: They are magnificent... manly tears of pain. They are not emotional. They are a little emotional. Lily: Where is Robin? They date back to the lounge where Robin phone. Robin: Shirley, this is Robin. I called Joel. Barney: Robin, hangs up. Do not do that. Robin: Sorry, I know, OK? Lily: If you hang up no... Robin: Stop! Joel, this is Robin. Joel: So, Ms. Papillon wants to return to his cocoon. Robin: I'm sorry for saying all this stuff. Joel: You can put your socks with your apology, for you have already been replaced. Brian is the makeup and it could not be more excited. Biran: I can not do that. I can not do that. Joel: Look, although I want to see what college is over for the camera, if you can be here for the 23h, you can get your job. Robin hangs up. Robin: Ok, I have half an hour to arrive at the studio. Lily: You can never be in town in 30 minutes. Barney: Do not do it. It's scary to bet on itself, if you do not, nobody will. I'm not saying that to pat my fist. Even if a punch would be great. I mean it. Robin: I bet on me. I bet I can be there for 23h. She leaves home and takes Stella the bike that is on the porch. It is 10:31 p.m.. Marshall and Ted back. Stella: You got the beer? Ted: Yeah, I took a pack of 144. The rest is in the trunk. Stella: And you registered? Ted: No. Stella: Why? Ted: Was in line for the pictures, my hair is in the air... I want to live in New Jersey. Stella: What? Ted: I can not. And I see no reason that you did not come to New York. Stella: My daughter goes to school here. All his friends are here. I have lived here all my life. My whole family is here. This is my house. I'm at the EPA. And since June 1, I am the deputy mayor. Ted: Yes, but my apartment is close to the Metro. Stella: It moves not, end of discussion. Ted: How does it "end of discussion"? It never was. Stella: That's what being a parent. I want to uproot Lucy. Ted: People with kids are moving all the time. It would be great for Lucy to grow up in the largest city in the world. Stella: It is. New York is the largest city in the world. Where the dream come true and of pigeon sh1t tastes like tapioca. Want a little secret? New Jersey... is better than New York. Ted: Better than...? You think...? I... The Empire State Buil...H and H Bage... The center Linco... Zabar's... Papaya King.New York is the cultural and intellectual center of the planet. Stella: New York is full of crazies, snobs and bad people. You know that once an old woman called me a slut and gave me a cat in his face? And you want to know if it's the same in New Jersey? 86th and Lex, right in front of your dear little Papaya King. The people of New Jersey are nice. This is the kind of place where you know your neighbors. Ted: Hey, I know my neighbors! Stella: Yes, that kind? Ted: At the other end of the hall, there is... Clax... pa... I. Stella: Claxpamon? Lily: It is called Paxton. Ted: I love this guy. 10:47 p.m., Robin is the bike on the train. Robin: Sorry, I'm in a hurry. I go to before I go down first. Matisse: Do not spill Matisse. Basement of Stella... Lily: Ok, this is crazy. You can not believe that New Jersey is better than New York. In New York, there was Broadway. No need to say more. Barney: Oh, yes. Tape for safety. Stella: It was Atlantic City. Barney: You can not beat A.C. Pity! Nobody needs to know. Ted: New York has Greenwich Village. Stella: New Jersey coast. Barney: Chronicles of the Oscar-winning on urban neurotic.Tape! Stella: Bruce Springsteen. Ted: Sinatra. Stella: It's in Hoboken... New Jersey. Ted: But that city he sings? This is not "Secaucus, Secaucus." 10:56 p.m., Robin slalom between the cars. Ted (2030): Children, believe it or not, but Aunt Robin swears it happened like this... Robin takes flight and goes over the cars creating a traffic jam. Stella... Lily: Look, Stella, I understand that coming from New Jersey, you think not to like New York, but believe me, Marshall did not believe it either, and now he would move for anything. Marshall: I hate New York! Sorry, but it's true. Today, I passed PriceCo. You've already been? It's huge. The New York stores are cramped. When I turn, I spill something. I'm like a big monster out of the ocean to destroy bodegas. Lily: but, Marshall, you love New York. Marshall: Yes, except I hate it. I'm too big for New York! I try to hold seats in the cramped subway or stoop under doors over 150 years. People are taller, have larger doors. What is your problem? Barney: Small town, big men, then tope. Marshall: It is too noisy, all the time. Yes, it is the city that never sleeps. Well, I would sleep well. I'm tired for 8 years. Tired and scared, with black and blue marks on my elbows to try to keep between the gateway for elves. New Jersey's great. There are department stores, and lawn and you do not have to wear a cup. For the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say so. I love New Jersey. Just kidding. Ted: I understand, OK? I see what you mean. I guess... we could live in Brooklyn. Stella: You know what, Ted... Live wherever you want. I do not care. Stella back. Barney: Silence embarrassed. Tope then. Ted goes upstairs to see Stella. Ted: Hey, Lucy. What are you doing up? Lucy: There was noise in the cellar. Ted: Sorry. Go back to sleep. Lucy: I can not sleep without a story. Ted: Ok, I'll get your mom... Lucy: Why do you not read me one? Ted: Let's go. Ted reads a story to Lucy while Stella is sitting on the stairs.Lucy falls asleep and Ted goes down to the lounge where he hugged from behind Stella. Ted: I moved here. Stella: Really? Ted: Really. New Jersey wins. 10:59 p.m., Robin arrives at the studio of Metro New One. Robin: Oh, thank you! Wait. Good evening, New York. Barney: Look, it did. Robin: Our story tonight, the baby panda at the zoo in Central Park made his first tooth today. I think that makes him a... Bear molar. Bear molar. Bear molar. You know what? It's really over for me. Good night, New York. Lily: It really stops. Barney: You think you're there for something? Lily: I think so. Good job, Barney. Barney: Oh, my God! Thank you! Oh, I killed my arm. My arm has never been so sore since I was 13 the day I knew how to close the bathroom. Cool! Stella, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall are at the bar and joined Robin. Barney again the bars in the air. Lily: What's the matter? Robin: I have not officially got the job. Lily: I'm sorry. Robin: It's OK. They offer me another. Ted: It's great. This is for what? Robin: Foreign Correspondent. I... moved to Japan. Barney lowers his arm.

Plan: A: the gang; Q: Who did Ted invite to Stella's apartment? A: New Jersey; Q: Where does Stella live? A: Ted; Q: Who tries to sell the gang on the perks of living in the suburbs? Summary: After inviting the gang to Stella's apartment in New Jersey, Ted tries to sell them on the perks of living in the suburbs until he learns that she expects him to move there after they're married.

THE GREEN DEATH BY: ROBERT SLOMAN 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. LLANFAIRFACH COLLIERY. CAVERN GALLERY (The DOCTOR gets nearer.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Jo?! Jo - are you there?! JO: (OOV: Ahead in the cavern.) Doctor - here quickly! (The DOCTOR moves on at speed and soon he and JO bump into each other in the green gloom.) JO: Doctor! Doctor - it's horrible! (She points back where she has come from.) DOCTOR: What is it? (He moves on to look. He reaches the cavern and sees the lake of giant maggots.) DOCTOR: Good grief! (He goes back to her.) DOCTOR: Come on! (They start to set off back the way they have come but all of a sudden there is a rumbling sound. The long-disused tunnel, disturbed by their movements, starts to collapse. Dust and rocks fall down, totally blocking their route back. To make matters worse, several maggots suddenly emerge from gaps in the debris. JO looks on in horror as the creatures start to shuffle towards them. One of them hisses at the pair with its small mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth. The DOCTOR pulls JO back in the direction of the lake in the cavern.) JO: There's no way out. DOCTOR: Nil desperandum, Jo. JO: But, Doctor, those things crawling around in that green stuff - you saw what happened to the others. DOCTOR: Then we mustn't let them touch us, must we? Now, how do we get out of here? (JO points to some wheeled coal carts nearby.) JO: What about those - they any good? (One cart is slightly de-railed.) DOCTOR: Lift it up. (They strain to lift the cart...) DOCTOR: Right...now, push it over. (...and then to lift it back onto the rail.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. LLANFAIRFACH COLLIERY (An ambulance has been called to the mine. The driver closes the back doors and the watching BRIGADIER walks back into the pit office as the ambulance sets off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. LLANFAIRFACH COLLIERY. ENGINE ROOM (A tired DAVE sits down, upset at the turn of events. CLIFF tries to offer comfort.) DAVE: If anything happens to Bert too, I...I don't know what I'll do. CLIFFORD JONES: It was their own decision to go down, man. You can't count it your fault. No, it's obvious who's responsible - Global Chemicals. We'll have to go down. (The BRIGADIER enters and listens.) DAVE: No! No, the...the Doctor - he was most emphatic. I...it's too dangerous. On no account, go down. CLIFFORD JONES: But that girl, man! She's in terrible danger. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: It may surprise you to learn, Professor Jones, that Miss Grant is one of my staff. I think that she and the Doctor are quite capable of looking after themselves. CLIFFORD JONES: Two people, possibly three, have died already. She may be next. I'm going down even if you're not. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Professor Jones, believe me, my concern for Miss Grant is as deep as yours - probably more so. The Doctor knows what he's doing. CLIFFORD JONES: Very well, but you must do something. It's got to be stopped, man, it's gone too far! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Far too far - I quite agree. I think it's time that I paid Global Chemicals another visit. [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. LLANFAIRFACH COLLIERY. CAVERN GALLERY (The DOCTOR and JO have managed to put the cart back onto the rails. JO is stood in the cart and the DOCTOR passes JO a disused pit prop.) DOCTOR: Get a hold of this prop. (JO takes the prop from him.) DOCTOR: Take it over that side. JO: Right. (She rests the prop like a pole from a punt over one side of the cart.) DOCTOR: Make room for me. (The DOCTOR climbs into the cart with his own prop.) DOCTOR: Right, you ready? JO: Yeah. DOCTOR: Then off we go. (They both start to push but while the DOCTOR is trying to push the cart towards the lake, JO is pushing in the opposite direction with the result that they don't move an inch. The DOCTOR notices.) DOCTOR: No, not that way! The rail's blocked. This way - through the cave here. JO: Through those things?! DOCTOR: Well, it's only about a foot deep. JO: (Appalled.) I can't - I just can't! DOCTOR: Jo, we haven't got any alternative. JO: Doctor, it's not that I'm afraid exactly, it's just...it's just those maggots. DOCTOR: Then close your eyes. JO: Alright. DOCTOR: Good girl. (JO shuts her eyes tight and starts to punt the cart along in the same direction as the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: That's it - right, we're under way. (The cart moves into the maggot infested lake of green slime. JO momentarily opens her eyes but quickly closes them again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. CORRIDOR (ELGIN bumps into FELL in a corridor.) ELGIN: Have you heard? They've brought another two out of the mine - one dead and the other dying. FELL: (Coldly.) Yes, I heard. ELGIN: Is that all you can say? Do you feel no responsibility at all? FELL: I - why should I? ELGIN: (Angrily.) You told them we had no cutting equipment and you knew we had and I'm sure you know something about what's going on down in that mine! FELL: No, I... (FELL puts his fingers up to his screwed-up face as if in pain.) ELGIN: Oh, for heaven's sake, man, tell the truth! Others might die if you don't. (FELL recovers his self-composure.) FELL: (Flatly.) You are mistaken. (He enters a room, shutting the door behind him on ELGIN.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. PUMPING ROOM (The room that FELL has entered is a pumping operations room. Large pipes run down the walls of the room and there is a console on the edge of a raised dais in the centre. The dais runs into a raised gantry which runs round the side of the room. FALL takes a clipboard off the wall and sits at the console. Behind him, ELGIN follows him quietly into the room and takes cover behind a large vertical blue pipe, watching FELL carefully.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. LLANFAIRFACH COLLIERY. CAVERN GALLERY (The little cart continues to be punted through the infested lake of slime.) DOCTOR: Well, I've heard of boating lakes but this is ridiculous! (They come to the other end of the lake and the continuation of the tunnel.) DOCTOR: Bit more. Right, that'll do. Right, get rid of your pole. (The two throw their pit props down and the DOCTOR starts to clamber out.) DOCTOR: Come on. (JO follows him.) DOCTOR: Well done, Jo. JO: Now what? (The DOCTOR looks up the continuation of the tunnel which becomes more narrow and less man-made.) DOCTOR: We go up this crevice.. It was marked on the map. JO: How do you know it leads to the surface? DOCTOR: Well, that stuff must have come down here from somewhere. If there's a way down, there's a way up. I think I know where it leads to. Come on, you go first. (He pushes JO on ahead.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. STEVENS' OFFICE (The BRIGADIER has been granted another meeting with STEVENS.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: No, there's no question of it, sir. This is now a security matter and UNIT's taking charge. My people will be arriving as soon as possible. STEVENS: Yes, but surely... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Interrupts.) Now this cannot be dealt with locally. Now, I intend to request a full international investigation under the auspices of the United Nations. There's too much at stake. STEVENS: (Annoyed.) Indeed! Indeed! (STEVENS gets up from his chair and walks round his desk to the BRIGADIER.) STEVENS: Our work here is of international importance. However, I would point out a certain risk - should it be thought that we are in any way connected with these deaths, my whole project might be closed down! Sentimental fools are always with us. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: If it would become advisable to close down your plant... STEVENS: (Interrupts.) That must never happen! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Firmly.) Mr. Stevens, two of my friends are still down there in that mine in the gravest danger. If it consider it necessary to close Global Chemicals, then closed it will be. (He heads for the door.) STEVENS: Brigadier, I advise you to be careful - very careful indeed. (The BRIGADIER looks STEVENS in the eye.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Are you threatening me, Mr. Stevens? STEVENS: (Softly.) Yes, I think perhaps I am. Or perhaps I'm just counselling a little prudence. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: If necessary, I can bring influence to bear at Cabinet level. STEVENS: Oh, you have friends in high places, have you? Well so have I! (He returns to his desk and jabs the intercom switch.) STEVENS: Stella? (There is a buzz of acknowledgement.) STEVENS: Will you get the Minister of Ecology on the phone, please? (There are two buzzes of response. The BRIGADIER looks less confident at this development.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. LLANFAIRFACH COLLIERY. CREVICE (JO and the DOCTOR are climbing at a steel angle up a crevice filled with abandoned pit props and rocks.) DOCTOR: If I remember rightly, it gets easier further up. JO: At least there's none of those awful... (She suddenly sees something ahead.) JO: Ergh! DOCTOR: What is it? (He struggles up next to her to see what she is looking at. On a ledge above them are a pile of huge enlarged maggot eggs.) JO: They look like eggs. DOCTOR: I think I'm beginning to understand. Now, hold on a minute. I've got to get a hold of one of those. (He pushes past her and further into the "hatchery". He reaches up and takes one, putting it into a large sack as JO watches nervously.) DOCTOR: Come on by. JO: Alright. (JO climbs past him.) DOCTOR: Now don't knock the pit-prop over. You'll have the whole thing down on us. JO: Okay. DOCTOR: Keep tight into the wall. JO: Right. (She forges on ahead.) DOCTOR: Alright? JO: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. PUMPING ROOM (FELL is still sat at the console, operating the controls. At one side of the console are two thermometer-like indicators marked "1" and "2" and an "EMPTY" and "FULL" line indicated between the two. At the moment "1" is full and "2" is empty. ELGIN comes out from his observation place.) FELL: What are you doing here? This is for authorised personnel only. ELGIN: Oh, come on, Ralph. You know quite well I'm as authorised as you are. FELL: Not for here. ELGIN: Why? What's so special about this room? FELL: Nothing. ELGIN: Looks like a pumping control to me. That's not a security area. FELL: So there's nothing to see. Why don't you go away? ELGIN: Oh, but I'm interested. You're venting one tank and filling another. Is that it? FELL: Yes, for cleaning purposes. ELGIN: I see. (ELGIN points to indicator "1". The levels of each indicator are changing.) ELGIN: Now that one refers to the main waste tank on level four. (He points to "2".) ELGIN: Where's this one - the one you're filling? FELL: Close to it. ELGIN: The next big one on level three? FELL: Yes. ELGIN: (Thinks.) But that's a heavy duty pump working. You shouldn't need anything more than gravity feed. FELL: I...I made a mistake. It is for a tank on a higher level. ELGIN: There isn't one on a higher level. (Thinks.) No, hang about - there's that new special storage tank... FELL: (Interrupts nervously.) Excuse me. I cannot answer any more of your questions. I am busy. ELGIN: Of course, old man. Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. WHITEHALL MEETING ROOM (In a wood-panelled room, members of the Cabinet are in a meeting. One of them - the MINISTER OF ECOLOGY - takes a phone call.) MINISTER OF ECOLOGY: (Into phone.) Fair enough, Johnstone, but you are interrupting a Cabinet meeting, you know. (He listens.) Who? (Listens.) Oh yes, the UNIT chap. Well, you'd better put him on. (He looks over at a man sat at the head of the table.) MINISTER OF ECOLOGY: Do forgive me, Prime Minister. (Into phone.) Ah, Brigadier. Unfortunate business this. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. STEVENS' OFFICE (STEVENS watches with a smile as the BRIGADIER speaks with the MINISTER.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) I'd put it a little more strongly than that, sir. (He listens.) Well, it seems to me that an international investigation... (Listens.) No, I don't agree at all, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. WHITEHALL MEETING ROOM MINISTER OF ECOLOGY: (Into phone.) Don't you, Brigadier? Interesting. Nevertheless, I strongly suggest that you put yourself and UNIT at the disposal of the director of Global Chemicals. He's in by far the best position to handle the situation. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. STEVENS' OFFICE BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) May I remind you that I answer to Geneva. Under article seventeen of the third enabling act, the... [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. WHITEHALL MEETING ROOM BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over phone.) ...United Nations... MINISTER OF ECOLOGY: (Into phone.) I helped draft that act, Brigadier. May I remind you of article eighteen? In matters of domestic concern, er, paragraph three if I remember rightly, will place itself at the disposal of the host nation - in all respects. The Prime Minister and I feel... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (OOV: Over phone.) Sir, with... [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. STEVENS' OFFICE BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) ...respect, I disagree that this is a purely domestic matter, on the contrary... [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. WHITEHALL MEETING ROOM (The MINISTER cups the mouthpiece as the BRIGADIER continues and speaks to the Prime Minister.) MINISTER OF ECOLOGY: Wretched fellow needs a swift kick on the backside. Would you care to administer it, Jeremy? (He passes the phone to the Prime Minister.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. STEVENS' OFFICE BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) And what's more, sir... (He listens.) What do you say? (The BRIGADIER'S mouth drops.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Oh... (Coughs.) Yes, good afternoon, sir. (He listens.) Duty? Yes, I think I know... (Listens.) Yes, I know that, s... (Listens.) Is that an order, Prime Minister? (Listens.) I see. (The phone buzzes as it is put down abruptly at the other end.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, you leave me no choice. (He puts the phone down and turns back to a silent watching STEVENS.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You have very powerful friends, Mr. Stevens. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. LLANFAIRFACH COLLIERY. CREVICE (The crevice has flattened out somewhat but the two are still having to make their way forward crouched down.) JO: I think I can see something. DOCTOR: Good. Go on. JO: Okay. (They move on slightly.) DOCTOR: Right, let me pass. (They reach the end where the rock gives way to a metal ceiling in the crevice with a large pipe coming down. A ladder runs down the inside of the pipe.) DOCTOR: A pipe - I was right. JO: Of course. DOCTOR: After you, Miss Grant. (JO goes to the base of the ladder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. PIPE DOCTOR: Up you go. JO: Right. (She starts to climb.) DOCTOR: There. (As the DOCTOR comes up after her, JO sniffs the pipe.) JO: What's that smell? DOCTOR: Oh, it's crude oil. Or rather crude oil waste. You can see it on the sides of the pipe. JO: You mean it leads to Global Chemicals? DOCTOR: Where else. Come on - up you go. JO: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. PUMPING ROOM (FELL looks ill. He clutches his head as ELGIN tries to reason with him...) ELGIN: I don't know what's happened to you, Ralph, but you've got to fight it! (An alarm sounds and an electronic voice is heard.) VOICE: Intruder in 'D' area - section two. Visual identification available. (An image appears on a wall monitor of the DOCTOR and JO climbing up inside the pipe.) ELGIN: It's that Doctor chap and there's a girl with him. (FELL picks up a trimphone from the side of the console.) FELL: (Into phone.) Intruders located. Unauthorised entry into pipe. ELGIN: You mean they're actually in the pipe? Well, we've got to get them out. (A beep comes from the console. Indicator "1" is almost full again as "2" empties out.) FELL: Tank voiding operations completed. Waste disposal underway. (FELL puts the phone back as ELGIN yells at him.) ELGIN: Waste? You're putting the waste into that pipe? You'll kill them! FELL: They are intruders. ELGIN: Turn it off, damn you! (FELL starts to look perturbed.) FELL: I can't. The operation is automatic. Twenty-eight seconds to go. [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. PIPE (JO pauses.) JO: Doctor, I think there's a sort of vibration in this pipe. Can you feel it? DOCTOR: Yes, I certainly can. JO: What does it mean? DOCTOR: It means I think we ought to hurry. Come on! (They carry on their ascent.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. PUMPING ROOM (ELGIN continues to plead with FELL who is growing increasingly erratic as the control over him lessens.) ELGIN: For heaven's sake! There are two innocent people in there - we've got to save them! FELL: Not...possible. ELGIN: Yes, it is. We can open this door. (Ho goes to a hatch-door on one side of the room. He tries to pull it open as FELL stares at the console, his mouth twitching.) ELGIN: How's it done? (He continues to try and find the lock of the hatch.) ELGIN: How's it done?! FELL: (Struggling to speak.) Un...authorised...personnel. Not...in...the...interests...of...the...company. (ELGIN rushes back to FELL.) ELGIN: Interests be damned! It's murder! You've got to tell me - how does it open? (FELL gets up looking more and more distraught.) FELL: Murder...unauthorised...saves lives...! (The DOCTOR and JO appear at an observation window on the pipe, signalling desperately for help.) ELGIN: Fell, tell me... FELL: Not...permitted. ELGIN: ...how do I open the hatch? (A rumbling sound starts to build up in the room. FELL strains to answer and points as if in pain at the console.) FELL: Yellow button...left side... (He collapses on the floor as ELGIN presses the indicated button and rushes to the hatch. He pulls back the locking bolts and opens the door. The DOCTOR and JO rush out and ELGIN slams the door shut, just as the green slime shoots down the pipe as seen through the observation window.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. STEVENS' OFFICE (STEVENS and the BRIGADIER share a drink following the Director's 'victory' over the soldier.) STEVENS: We're not murderers, Brigadier. I am as anxious as you are to prevent any further...accidents. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Good. STEVENS: We shall cooperate with you in every possible way. An office will be placed at your disposal and my secretary will be pleased to... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Interrupts.) Er, that's very kind of you, Mr. Stevens, but my own staff will be joining me. Well, thank you for the drink. And now if you'll excuse me, I must find out if there's been any news about the Doctor and Miss Grant. (He places the empty glass on the table and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. PUMPING ROOM (The DOCTOR has told ELGIN of what is happening in the mine.) ELGIN: Where can these creatures have come from? Do you think they are linked to the oil waste? DOCTOR: Well, they must be in some way. And that waste area down the mine seems to be their breeding ground. (Behind them, FELL starts to get up off the floor.) ELGIN: Stevens couldn't have known anything about these...these maggots. Nor could Fell for that matter. (FELL leaves the room. ELGIN hears the noise of the shutting door.) ELGIN: Fell? (He goes to the door...) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. CORRIDOR (...and looks out into the empty corridor. He sighs and re-joins the DOCTOR and JO.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. PUMPING ROOM ELGIN: He's gone. DOCTOR: Where? To tell Stevens about us? ELGIN: Perhaps, perhaps not. He was acting very strangely. Didn't seem to know which side he was on. DOCTOR: Oh, and which side are you on, Mr. Elgin? ELGIN: I don't like what's happening here any more than you do. DOCTOR: Good man. ELGIN: So, what next - beard the mighty Stevens in his den? JO: Doctor? DOCTOR: Yeah...? (She crosses to him, shivering.) JO: I'm so cold. DOCTOR: Good heavens, what am I thinking of? Mr. Elgin, can you get us out of here without us being seen? ELGIN: Yes, of course. We can take the back lift down to the car park. DOCTOR: And what about Fell? ELGIN: Well, even if he does go to see Stevens, I doubt if he'll make any sort of sense. [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. STEVENS' OFFICE (FELL bursts into STEVENS' office. The Director, smoking a cigar, is with HINKS. FELL stares blankly and uncomprehendingly at STEVENS.) STEVENS: What is it, man? FELL: I...I... STEVENS: (Impatiently.) What is it? FELL: (With an effort.) I have...a...head...ache. (STEVENS puts down the cigar and joins FELL.) STEVENS: Of course you have. You've been overdoing it. Come and sit down. (He helps him to a chair. HINKS stands behind him.) FELL: My head...help...me. STEVENS: Of course I'll help you. (STEVENS crosses to the console...) STEVENS: I helped you once before - remember? (...and lifts the cover off the headphones. FELL gasps out his words.) FELL: Once... STEVENS: I'll always help you. FELL: You...helped...me...once...before... (STEVENS pulls the headphones into the socket and takes the headphones over to FELL.) FELL: Once...before...emergency...equipment...was...withdrawn... (Through his delirium, FELL realises what is happening and feebly covers his ears but HINKS yanks his hands back.) FELL: Once...before... (STEVENS puts the headphones on...) FELL: Once...before... (...and FELL starts to receive the conditioning again.) FELL: Once...once...before... (The faces of STEVENS and HINKS shimmer before him.) FELL: Once...before...once...before... (He seems to see STEVENS approaching again with the headphones. His head lolls slowly forward and back as he looks up at STEVENS and HINKS and finally he is still with a sad look in his reddened eyes.) FELL: You've...done something...to my mind. (The oscilloscope lines on the overhead monitor burst into life...) BOSS'S VOICE: Stevens, the processing was a failure. This man is of no further use. I suggest...self-destruction. STEVENS: That's not necessary, surely? BOSS'S VOICE: You are...a sentimentalist, Stevens. (Firmly.) I repeat: self-destruction. (With some reluctance, STEVENS crosses back to the console and presses a single red button marked with the number "9". In total silence, FELL grasps the headphones and twitches as if receiving a mild electric shock. With a sigh, he then slumps slightly forward and HINKS removes the headphones. Suddenly, in a total trance, FELL stands up and walks like an automaton out of the room. STEVENS watches him go with a pained look on his face.) STEVENS: Not...necessary, surely? [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. CORRIDOR (ELGIN scouts ahead round a corner in the corridor. At one end of the corridor is a short flight of steps which lead to the a door and daylight. ELGIN signals to the DOCTOR and JO to follow but no sooner have they turned the corner than ELGIN sees someone approaching.) ELGIN: Fell. (The little man is coming at them at a run. He bursts through the group and up the steps.) DOCTOR: Fell? ELGIN: Ralph! (As the DOCTOR and JO look at ELGIN in puzzlement, FELL goes through the door which can be seen to lead to a small balcony.) ELGIN: Ralph - come back! [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. BALCONY (FELL climbs over a barrier...) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. CORRIDOR (...and screams as he falls. ELGIN rushes for the door, followed by the DOCTOR and JO.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. BALCONY (They look over the edge and JO closes her eyes when she sees FELL'S body below on the concrete ground. Two guards rush up and one sends the other back to get help. Up above, STEVENS also looks down from his office window. He returns to his desk...) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. STEVENS' OFFICE (...and sits down with his head in his hands. The oscilloscope twitches...) BOSS'S VOICE: Stevens? You are a sentimentalist. (STEVENS looks devastated.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. WHOLEWEAL COMMUNITY. LIVING ROOM (NIGHT) (It is later that evening. The DOCTOR and JO have returned to Wholeweal, changed from the mining gear and are enjoying a meal with CLIFF and the BRIGADIER. Various other members of the community go about their various activities which includes one shawl-wearing girl playing a soothing tune on a flute, one man sculpting, and the others chatting. The BRIGADIER wears an evening suit while JO wears a purple evening gown. The DOCTOR has been regaling them with some of his tales and his three listeners round the dinner table burst into laughter as the last reaches its conclusion...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Laughs.) Is that all? CLIFFORD JONES: (Laughs.) Nonsense! I don't believe it! DOCTOR: Well, the moral of story, of course, is never trust a Venusian shanghorn with a perigosto stick! CLIFFORD JONES: The most useful moral trip with endless applications! Some more wine, Doctor. DOCTOR: Thanks very much. (CLIFF fills his glass as JO and the BRIGADIER chat between themselves.) DOCTOR: You know, it's really excellent this wine, though I don't recognise the vintage. CLIFFORD JONES: Well, now you've got domestic elderberry - our Nancy's best. DOCTOR: Can I have a bottle to take home? CLIFFORD JONES: Certainly. (The DOCTOR picks up the bottle.) DOCTOR: Brigadier, do you want a little more of this? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Thank you. (He refills the BRIGADIER'S glass as CLIFF points out a dish to JO. NANCY, a young women with long dark hair and wearing a caftan-type dress enters the room.) CLIFFORD JONES: Some more of this, Jo? JO: Oh, no thank you, it was delicious but... NANCY: Doctor? DOCTOR: Yeah? NANCY: You're wanted on the telephone. (The table falls silent as if something ominous is brewing.) DOCTOR: Excuse me, will you? CLIFFORD JONES: It's in the hall - by the lab door. DOCTOR: Thanks. (The DOCTOR goes out. CLIFF points to a dish.) CLIFFORD JONES: Some more, Brigadier? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Sighs.) Oh, I wish I could. (JO laughs.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What was that meat? CLIFFORD JONES: Not meat at all - fungus. (The soldier's eyes open wide.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Fungus? CLIFFORD JONES: My new hybrid. JO: So you've solved your problem? You've found what you've been looking for? CLIFFORD JONES: Oh, I wish I had. No, no, it tastes fine, looks good, the texture's right, but it's relatively low in protein. Has to be picked at exactly the right moment, and it has to be eaten or dried straight away, or it goes off. JO: Oh, so you've still got a long way to go. CLIFFORD JONES: Yes, you could say that. Right up the Amazon in fact. JO: Up the Amazon? (CLIFF looks at JO.) CLIFFORD JONES: Aye...in about a month's time. JO: Oh... CLIFFORD JONES: Look, I'll show you. (He crosses the room to get a book.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: So, all your research is biological? CLIFFORD JONES: Well, mine is, oh, the others, well... (He looks over at the flautist.) CLIFFORD JONES: Well, take Jessie there, tootling away on her tin whistle. She's one of the finest mathematicians in the country. She's doing a study of the probability factors that of our projected future ecology. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Impressed.) Is she indeed? I never would have guessed. And...and the gentlemen making that statue thing? CLIFFORD JONES: Well, used to design supersonic aircraft. They even made one once. (JO laughs.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What's he doing here? CLIFFORD JONES: Making windmills. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Really? (CLIFF nods to a girl doing yoga in the middle of the floor.) CLIFFORD JONES: Aye, and when Hilda's not upside down there, she's writing a book on self-actualisation. Aren't you, love? Used to run an encounter group in Aldgate. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Oh, I was stationed once in Aldgate. CLIFFORD JONES: Really? (CLIFF finds the large book and returns to the table with it.) CLIFFORD JONES: Here it is - "Up the Amazon with rifle and camera". Practically unexplored territory, see? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What, the Amazon basin? Oh, surely...? CLIFFORD JONES: No, no, I mean the things people eat to get their protein - grubs, caterpillars, locusts, the blood of their cattle. JO: Ergh! CLIFFORD JONES: Well, it's only the same as black pudding, love. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Mmm. JO: Oh, that's disgusting. CLIFFORD JONES: Ah now, listen to this... (Reads.) "And when game is in short supply, these tribes, or so it is said, will subsist for months at a time on a certain giant toadstool peculiar to their region, which serves them for their meat, thus stuffed with beneficent providence" etc. etc. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: When was that published? CLIFFORD JONES: 1884. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And on the strength of that, you go gallivanting off into the jungle? CLIFFORD JONES: Aye. JO: (Enthused.) But of course! Well look, it's like finding an old treasure map, isn't it? CLIFFORD JONES: Aye! And what a treasure! Could help to make the whole world rich! JO: Right. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: A toadstool? CLIFFORD JONES: Aye, a toadstool! (They all burst out laughing. The DOCTOR enters the room with a sad look on his face, instantly dampening the jollity.) DOCTOR: Bad news. The other miner's dead. JO: Bert? DOCTOR: Yes, I'm afraid so. He never regained consciousness. JO: (Tearfully.) No... (CLIFF puts a comforting hand over JO'S.) DOCTOR: Well, they've completed the post mortem on Hughes. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And? DOCTOR: Every cell in his body had been attacked, by some sort of virus apparently. They still haven't been able to isolate it though. CLIFFORD JONES: So we're fighting in the dark? DOCTOR: No, not quite. We've still got that egg, remember? JO: (Sadly.) Poor Bert... [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. GLOBAL CHEMICALS. STEVENS' OFFICE (NIGHT) (As HINKS lights a cigarette for his boss, he relates to him the news of the egg.) STEVENS: An egg? They've actually got an egg? HINKS: Well, that's what they were saying down in the village. You see, there was this old taff in the pub, and, er... STEVENS: (Interrupts.) But the Doctor and the girl are the only ones actually to have...seen these creatures, is that right? HINKS: Load of old codswallop, if you ask me. Still, you know, I thought I ought to tell you. STEVENS: Yes, quite right, quite right. And where is this...egg now? HINKS: Over at the nuthutch. STEVENS: I see. Well, you'd better go and get it, hadn't you? [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. WHOLEWEAL COMMUNITY. LABORATORY (NIGHT) (In the darkened laboratory, the DOCTOR shows the egg to the BRIGADIER.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: It's tremendous size. DOCTOR: Yes, isn't it? Well, tomorrow morning, Professor Jones and I are going to examine it properly. [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. WHOLEWEAL COMMUNITY. LIVING ROOM (NIGHT) (JO and CLIFF have the living room to themselves. JO is sat in front of the fire with the book on the Amazon in front of her. She is still upset at the news about Bert.) JO: (Tearfully.) But Cliff, if I'd stayed I...I might have been able to...help him in someway. (CLIFF comes and sits next to her.) CLIFFORD JONES: Oh, there's nothing you could have done, love. You mustn't blame yourself. JO: (Tearfully.) I know that really, it's...it's just he was...he was such a perky little man. He called me Blodwyn. (CLIFF puts his arm round her shoulder and she leans against him.) JO: (Tearfully.) Cliff, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm crying. A funny little Welshman that I hardly knew. CLIFFORD JONES: (Gently.) You shouldn't feel ashamed of your grief. It's right to grieve. (JO looks intently at him.) CLIFFORD JONES: (Gently.) Your Bert - he was unique. In the whole history of the world, there's never been anybody just like Bert - and they'll never be another. Even if the world lasts for a hundred million centuries. JO: (Smiles.) Thanks. (CLIFF kisses her forehead. They look at each other for a moment and then move in to kiss. They hear the lab door banging and the DOCTOR'S voice as he and the BRIGADIER return. The two break apart and laugh gently.) DOCTOR: Well quite frankly, Brigadier, I fail to see the value of a lot of idiot soldiers running around the place! (The DOCTOR is first into the room. He cannot help to see what has been developing and does not look pleased.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Oh, you've been thankful enough sometimes, Doctor. (The BRIGADIER is less cognisant of events.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Ah, Professor Jones, just come to say goodnight. I'm off. (CLIFF gets up from his place by JO at the fire.) CLIFFORD JONES: Are you sure you won't stay here too, Brigadier? We've plenty of room. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Er, no thank you. It...it's very kind of you, but the pub'll do me. Er, goodnight, Miss Grant. JO: Goodnight, Brigadier. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Goodnight, Doctor. DOCTOR: Lethbridge Stewart. CLIFFORD JONES: I'll show you out. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Ah, thank you. (The two men leave the room.) DOCTOR: I think a good night's sleep is indicated, Jo. JO: Oh, I'm fine now. Honestly I am. Actually, I think I'll stay up for a bit. This book on the Amazon looks fascinating. DOCTOR: Yes...well, I shouldn't be too late if I were you. (He smiles down at her.) DOCTOR: Goodnight. JO: (Briefly.) Night. (She looks back down at the book. The DOCTOR pauses in the doorway.) DOCTOR: By the way, Jo, the TARDIS did come up trumps. I got to Metebelis Three. (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out one of the blue sapphires.) DOCTOR: As you can see. JO: Mmm? (JO looks up. For a moment, she shows some of her old enthusiasm.) JO: Oh great! (But it quickly disappears.) JO: Great... Night. (She returns to her book. The DOCTOR stares at her and re-pockets the jewel. He manages a smile.) DOCTOR: Goodnight. (He turns to leave as CLIFF comes back into the room.) CLIFFORD JONES: Ah, off to bed, are you? (JO looks up in delight but the DOCTOR slyly pulls CLIFF back towards the hallway.) DOCTOR: Professor Jones, the very man, I've had some thought about this so-called virus... CLIFFORD JONES: Oh, but I, er... DOCTOR: (Ignoring him.) It seems me that if we were to postulate that... (CLIFF is firmly led from the room.) CLIFFORD JONES: Goodnight, Jo! DOCTOR: (OOV: In hallway.) ...had a nucleus on this... CLIFFORD JONES: (OOV: In hallway.) Sleep well! DOCTOR: (OOV: In hallway.) We could possibly... (JO'S face drops as she listens to the DOCTOR leading CLIFF away from her. She stares into the fire and smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. WHOLEWEAL COMMUNITY. LABORATORY (NIGHT) (In the silent laboratory, the egg starts to twitch. The shell breaks and a maggot emerges. It starts to slither out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. WHOLEWEAL COMMUNITY. LIVING ROOM (NIGHT) (JO leafs through the book in the firelight.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. WHOLEWEAL COMMUNITY. LABORATORY (NIGHT) (The maggot is now on the floor. It slithers towards the doorway and out into the hallway.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. WHOLEWEAL COMMUNITY. LIVING ROOM (NIGHT) (JO is still absorbed in her book. Her back is to the door. She therefore fails to see as the maggot enters the room and rears up slightly as it senses her presence. It then carries on slithering towards her unprotected back...)

Plan: A: a maggot egg; Q: What do the Doctor and Jo escape with? A: Stevens; Q: Who is determined to stop the Doctor and Jo from analyzing the maggot egg? Summary: The Doctor and Jo manage to escape from the mine with a maggot egg but Stevens is determined to stop them analysing it.

"The Killer in the Concrete" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open: Brennan and Booth arrive at concrete expanse in Baltimore, MD) BOOTH: So, you ever been here before? BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: I don't mean here, here. I mean Baltimore. BRENNAN: Yeah, I've given several lectures to the Baltimore Homicide Division. BOOTH: Oh, god. BRENNAN: What's wrong with your mouth? (she pokes at him) BOOTH: I got a tooth situation. BRENNAN: Well, go to to a dentist. BOOTH: I - I will if it doesn't get any better. Ow! Man. BRENNAN: Are you afraid of the dentist? BOOTH: I'm not afraid of the- COP: Welcome to Baltimore. This is, uh, actually a federal flood abatement project, which is why we called you. K-9 unit was using it for an exercise, and one of the cadaver dogs went beserk. We dug up the cement- BRENNAN: No. That's concrete. Cement is an ingredient in concrete. BOOTH: Yeah, that's a real important distinction to make at this juncture. So, what do we got, Bones, huh? Do your thing. BRENNAN: Nothing. BOOTH: Nothin'. Nothin? BRENNAN: I can't see enough of the skull, the tibia, the pubis- Nothing. (she walks away) BOOTH: Nothing? Wait a second. Nothing - (to cop) Sorry. (he starts after Brennan) Now we drove all the way here so you could just tell me "Nothing"? Alright, so what do ya, what do ya want me to do? Uh, get the whole slab of cement- BRENNAN: Concrete. BOOTH: Concrete, whatever - shipped back to the Jeffersonian? BRENNAN: Yes. Yes. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. The remains in the concrete are laying on a examining table - the concrete has been chipped away.) CAM: s*x? ZACK: The mandible suggests male and the tibia suggests he was between 5'6" and six feet tall. HODGINS: Waffle-soled training shoes and a tracksuit. CAM: You know who wears tracksuits? ZACK: Athletes? CAM: No. Huge tubs of lard or retired people. HODGINS: (chuckles) And rap stars. ZACK: The teeth suggest early middle age. CAM: So, not a retiree. ZACK: Uh, calcified holes with radial fractures in the left clavicle and scapula are consistent with ballistic damage. CAM: He was shot to death? ZACK: And stabbed, but neither killed him. The wounds healed. HODGINS: Shot, stabbed but lived to die another day? Rap star. ZACK: There's a small hole in the back of the cranium. CAM: Dig the skull out first to establish cause of death then give Angela something to work with to ID the guy. Where is Angela? (Cut to: Eternal Spring Memorial Gardens. Angela and Brennan are standing at her mother's grave.) BRENNAN: I'm really not good at this kind of thing, you know? I don't - (sighs) I don't get the significance. ANGELA: One year ago, today, you buried your mother. You laid her to rest, here. You're marking the anniversary (she hands the bouquet of flowers to Brennan) BRENNAN: Angela - I simply don't believe my mother retained sentience (sentions) beyond death. ANGELA: Well, part of you is made up of your mother, right? BRENNAN: In a manner of speaking. ANGELA: So, honor that part of yourself. Visualize a memory of her. See what it brings up. BRENNAN: I have very few distinct memories of my mother. ANGELA: I'll wait in the car. (She walks away. Brennan bends down and places the flowers on her mother's grave which says: "In Memoriam: Christine Brennan. Beloved Mother of Russ and Temperance. April 1948- Dec. 1993." She stands, sighs and closes her eyes) MAX: Hiya, honey. (he walks towards her) I was hoping you might show up. (Brennan picks up her phone and dials a number) BRENNAN: I don't- I don't want to talk to you. MAX: You're standing here in front of your mother's grave. Obviously, you've come for some kind of answer. Maybe I can provide 'em. BRENNAN: You're a killer. You burn people. (into phone) Yeah. I'd like to report a sighting of Max Keenan atEternal Spring Memorial Gardens. He's a wanted fugitive. MAX: (quietly) I love you. (he walks away) BRENNAN: Yes, I'm sure. (she pauses) Because he's my father. ACT I (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hallway. Booth and Brennan are making their way to the platform.) BOOTH: So, did you talk to your dad at all before you called the cops? BRENNAN: No. Why would I? BOOTH: Well, I mean, I haven't seen my dad in a long time and if I had the opportunity to talk - ow, god. (he touches his cheek) BRENNAN: Go to a dentist. BOOTH: Well, I will if it doesn't get any better. ZACK: Based on decomposition of the tracksuit, Hodgins is estimating a postmortem interval of two years. Based on bone deterioration, I like three years. BOOTH: Well, what killed him? ZACK: The victim was dead shortly after this hole was punched into his skull. BRENNAN: Hmm, too small for a projectile. ZACK: No radiating stress lines. BRENNAN: A slow entry. A piercing wound. BOOTH: Like a - a screwdriver? Nail gun? Ice pick? ZACK: Yeah, something along those lines. BOOTH: (picking up his phone and dialing - but to Brennan) Oh, cold steel in the brain - would that kill him? BRENNAN: Depending on how far it penetrated. BOOTH: (into phone) Yeah, it's Booth. I need, um, all murders in which a penetrating wound to the back of the head figured. (he pauses) Great. Thanks. (he closes the phone) (Cut to: Brennan's Apartment. She enters and then closes her door, looking at her mail.) MAX: (O.S.) Don't freak out. BRENNAN: Oh! (she turns to see him standing near the kitchen) You broke into my house? That is not acceptable. (she picks up her phone) MAX: This, uh, little device here - it jams cell phone frequencies. (She gets nothing but static on her phone and yanks the phone away from her ear) BRENNAN: That is illegal. MAX: Unfortunately, illegal is what I do best. I'm not staying. I just want you to do something for me. I want you to look at my rap sheet. BRENNAN: Why? MAX: Why? Because I want a chance to talk to you- actually talk to you - without you calling in the 82nd airborne. BRENNAN: How is reading your police report going to change my mind? MAX: (He walks out and the door closes) (O.S.) Just do it. (Cut to: FBI - Booth's Office. Booth and Brennan are going over the case.) BOOTH: (holding up a picture and pointing to the notepad) I think our victim was killed by Ice Pick. Angela did a facial reconstruction of Cement Head. BRENNAN: "Concrete Head," you mean. BOOTH: No, "Cement Head." It's got a nicer ring. So I ran it through Interplus and I got a match. BRENNAN: (reading the report) "William Raymond 'Billy Ray' McKenna, West Virginia. Assault, manslaughter, kidnapping, torture." BOOTH: This here? (holds up another picture) This here is, uh, Hugh Kennedy. Uh, I think he killed Cement Head. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Well, West Virginia. Likes to use ice picks on his victims plus Ice Pick and Cement Head were both employed by a regional crime boss from West Virginia named Gallagher. (he holds up a picture of Gallagher) BRENNAN: Well, what are we gonna call him? BOOTH: Gallagher. What? He runs most of the, uh, prostitutes, strippers, gambling, bootlegging, meth, extortion in West Virginia. BRENNAN: (reading from a file) Five years ago, the West Virginia state police began pressuring Gallagher's criminal operation, making a lot of arrests. BOOTH: Including Ice Pick and Cement Head. Cement Head goes to jail. Ice Pick? Out on bail, babe. BRENNAN: You say that like it means something. BOOTH: Well, I talked to the officer in charge and he said that Ice Pick wouldn't say anything so they punished him by letting him out on bail. BRENNAN: How is bail punishment? BOOTH: 'Cause it makes Gallagher think that Ice Pick cooperated with the cops. Ah, it's criminal psychology, Bones, you know what? You wouldn't get it. Just - read. Just continue reading there, will ya? BRENNAN: (reading from file) Half a million dollar bond. Kennedy jumped bail. Hmm, killed in a car accident while fleeing a "bail fugitive recovery agent." BOOTH: Bounty hunter. BRENNAN: Car burned the remains to ashes. BOOTH: All they got was a severed leg. They didn't actually get Ice Pick's body. BRENNAN: So, we gonna talk to the bounty hunter? BOOTH: No, I am. You're gonna make sure that that severed leg actually belonged to Ice Pick. BRENNAN: Someone kept the leg? BOOTH: The severed leg was frozen as evidence. BRENNAN: So - you think Ice Pick might still be alive. BOOTH: As a friend of mine likes to say "Don't jump to conclusions until all the evidence is in." (he gets up) BRENNAN: But if the facts are in, then it's not jumping to conclusions. So I never said that. BOOTH: I never said that the friend is you, okay? (Booth walks out and Brennan sticks her tongue out at him) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Bay. Cam lifts the frozen leg out of the cooler and places it on the table) CAM: Does it have to be completely thawed for you to examine? BRENNAN: No. My interest lies only in the femur. CAM: I need to get some tissue for DNA testing. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth is sitting, reading the paper and attempting to eat oatmeal. He's approached by Veleska Miller - the bounty hunter. She takes a seat across from him at the table.) VELESKA: I'm the bounty hunter you want to talk to - Veleska Miller. (She throws her badge on the table and takes Booth's coffee.) You want to know about Kennedy's leg? BOOTH: Anything you want to tell me outside the official report, that's great. VELESKA: Sure. How it smelled, his body cooking over the fire. Otherwise, I stand by the record. BOOTH: How'd you find him? VELESKA: Tip from someone I know who provides documents from fugitives. Tailed him. He made me, took off. Boom. Found his leg about 30 yards from the vehicle. BOOTH: And you saw him burn? VELESKA: Yeah. Why? (Booth picks up his paper and starts to read) That's it? BOOTH: That's it. VELESKA: I'm a little disappointed. I was hoping you'd keep me here a while, ask me some dumb ass federal questions, check me out. BOOTH: How's about I buy you a nice breakfast then? VELESKA: A guy like you must be going crazy in the FBI. BOOTH: What kind of guy is that exactly? VELESKA: I'm a bounty hunter, sport. I read people fast or I die. You are not standard government issue. Take a walk on the wild side. I have more fun, fewer rules and a lotta money. BOOTH: You know, you make a compelling case (his cell phone starts to ring) Booth. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Bay. Cam and Brennan are on speaker phone.) CAM: Coroner;s report said Kennedy's leg was severed in the car accident. BRENNAN: (to Cam) We don't call him "Kennedy." We call him "Ice Pick." (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth, on phone) BOOTH: (to Veleska) Hold on for one second. Sorry. (He gets up and sits at the counter then to Brennan and Cam) Yeah, ah. Listen, I got the, uh, bounty hunter here. She was an eyewitness to the crash, saw him incinerated. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab) BRENNAN: (to Cam) Tell Booth that Ice Pick's femur is sliced cleanly at 90 degrees. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth, on phone) BOOTH: I can hear you, Bones, okay? It's a speaker phone. Look, amputation like that could happen in a bad wreck. Right, Cam? (Veleska gets up and leaves) CAM: (V.O. On phone) Yes. BRENNAN: (V.O. On phone) There are kerf marks. CAM: (V.O. On phone) She's seeing evidence of a saw, Booth. BOOTH: I know what kerf marks are. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab) BRENNAN: (to Cam) Booth should arrest the bounty hunter. BOOTH: (V.O. On phone) I can hear you, Bones. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth, on phone) BOOTH: What am I gonna arrest her for, huh? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab) BRENNAN: For lying. For perjury. For aiding in a cover-up. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth, on phone. He turns to look for Veleska but sees her car driving away - out the window.) CAM: (V.O. On phone) If she's there with you, just detain her. BOOTH: Okay. I'll let you know how that works out. ACT II (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Bay. Booth is now back at the lab.) BOOTH: (reading report) Hey, huh? Look at that, huh? DNA is a match. (Brennan comes up behind him and turns the report so that it faces the right way. It was upside down.) CAM: West Virginia state troopers got a DNA sample at Ice Pick's arrest. This is definitely his leg. Was she pretty? BRENNAN: Ice Pick is a male. CAM: I mean, the bounty hunter who gave Booth the slip. BOOTH: You know, she didn't get away 'cause she was pretty... BRENNAN: She was a she? BOOTH: No, she was a - (he reaches for his cheek again) Oh, God. CAM: What's wrong with your mouth? BRENNAN: (reaching for his face, but he pushes her hand away) I'm guessing the anterior molar on the left side is infected. The leg was surgically amputated. CAM: Go to a dentist. BRENNAN: He's afraid of the dentist. These kerf marks are consistent with a type of wire saw used to remove horns from heifers. BOOTH: Ah, so Ice Pick and his bounty hunter set up a car accident with a dummy victim so everyone stops lookin' for him. BRENNAN: Two years later he kills Conc- Cement Head. CAM: She hoodwinked you 'cause she was hot. BOOTH: Alright, look, ya know what? She wasn't hot. In fact, she looked like a man. BRENNAN: The amputation was probably performed by a livestock veterinarian. BOOTH: (he picks up a folder and lowers his voice) Hey, Bones. I got that other thing you want to discuss... BRENNAN: Oh. Let's (she looks at Cam) go to my office so we don't disturb Cam. (They head out) CAM: Booth - livestock amputation? That is on tough determined old criminal. Be careful. BOOTH: Yeah. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Booth and Brennan are heading into her office.) BOOTH: You know, I was going through your father's criminal - BRENNAN: Shhhh! BOOTH: (quietly) criminal record, and he was right about one thing. Alright, he never ended anyone's life who didn't have it comin' to 'em. BRENNAN: He's a sociopath. BOOTH: Well, maybe, but at least he aimed in the right direction. Ow! God! BRENNAN: Let me take a look at your tooth. BOOTH: Alright, just - go easy. You promise? BRENNAN: Okay. BOOTH: Alright? BRENNAN: Open up. (She places her hand on the side of his face to look at his tooth. He keeps mumbling while she examines his mouth.) BRENNAN: What? (she lets his face go) BOOTH: In the Old West, he would have been considered a hero. BRENNAN: (she grabs his face again and pushes down his jaw) Yeah, well, the Old West was a time of chaos - BOOTH: Ow! BRENNAN: And violence that, anthropologically speaking, our country it still trying to recover from. (Booth grabs her shoulders. He's in pain) Yeah. I was right. Anterior molar on the left side - it's infected. BOOTH: You know, your father never killed any hard working, tax paying citizens or honest cops. Ow. BRENNAN: You still think that society should forgive him? BOOTH: Well, I'm saying, if I have the opportunity to arrest him, I will. But you know who maybe should forgive him? His daughter. (Booth's cell phone goes off) Oh. Look at that. Our small-town crime boss is here. Let's go have a little chat with him, shall we? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angelator Room. Cam, Angela and Zack are by it.) ANGELA: Billy Ray McKenna shortly before he was known as "Cement Head." ZACK: I like nicknames. They're universal mnemonic devices. CAM: Why are we doing this? Don't we know that cause of death was brain scrambling due to an ice pick? ZACK: The technical term is "pithing". ANGELA: And, it's not how he died. ZACK: It entered the medullary pyramids and beveling on the entry site suggests it was (he makes an up and down motion) - I don't believe there's an English word that adequately describes - ANGELA: "Wiggling." Up and down is "wiggling." ZACK: Okay, wiggled, thus paralyzing the victim and causing some difficulty breathing. But he would live for upwards of several hours. CAM: Smart. Very little blood spilled. How did the victim die? ANGELA: Ugh. This is the bad part. ZACK: It appears that the concrete was poured over him while he was still alive. CAM: Oh, God. ZACK: These chunks of concrete are in the shape of a sinus cavity, bronchial tubes, plus kind of a hollow around the middle finger.CAM: You said he was paralyzed. ANGELA: Well, if the ice pick was inserted and then waggled, it would affect the median nerve around the T1 never roots. ZACK: Which control the flexor carpi radialis. ANGELA: Anterior palm, thumb, index and middle fingers. ZACK: But if it was - ANGELA: wiggled - ZACK: The victim would lose the ability to move the ring and pinkie fingers. ANGELA: We think he wiggled instead of waggled. CAM: Because he could still move his middle finger. ANGELA: It's a terrible way to die. ZACK: One conclusion is that the was trying to swim to the surface using only his middle finger. (Cut to: FBI - Conference Room. Booth and Brennan are interviewing Melvin Gallagher and his lawyer, Clark Lightner.) GALLAGHER: The last time I saw Billy Ray McKenna, he was "So long, suckering" me from his F-150 and headin' off on a well earned vacation. BOOTH: Well earned by torturing a journalist who was talking too much. GALLAGHER: Well, I resent your inference. (to Lightner) Get him my - uh - whatcha call it: tax papers, employment records. Did I get that right? LIGHTNER: Not quite. You resent him implication. He is implying that you're a criminal. You're taking an inference from his implication. BRENNAN: Uh, according to this, Mr. Lightner is your flight instructor. GALLAGHER: That is correct. I have, uh, wide rangin' enterprises. Clark here is helpful in getting' me where I gotta get. BRENNAN: And William Raymond McKenna is down as a media liaison. BOOTH: Yep, by breaking journalist's fingers. You know, you never asked me about, uh, Billy Ray McKenna there, big dog. GALLAGHER: (laughing) Well, I assume, big dog, that Billy Ray is deceased. BRENNAN: Why? GALLAGHER: He was a valued employee. Disappears for three years, I gotta assume the worst. BRENNAN: His body was found encased in concrete. GALLAGHER: (to Lightner) (sighs) Tell you what. We're gonna claim his remains. We'll bury him proper. BOOTH: Where did you send him on vacation? GALLAGHER: Canada. BOOTH: Canada. GALLAGHER: Was it the, uh, mounties that found Billy Ray encased in cement? LIGHTNER: Concrete. GALLAGHER: Hmm? LIGHTNER: Not cement. It's a common error. BOOTH: Baltimore police. GALLAGHER: (to Lightner) Is Baltimore on the way to Canada? LIGHTNER: Well, the most efficient route is up through Detroit but Billy Ray - how he loved Vermont so. BRENNAN: Do you have any idea who might want to kill Mr. McKenna? GALLAGHER: (chuckles) Oh, well, yeah. He, uh - Well how would you put it? LIGHTNER: Aggressive. Both socially and sexually. BOOTH: How about Hugh Kennedy? GALLAGHER: Hugh Kennedy. BOOTH: Yeah. Handy with the ice pick. BRENNAN: According to this, you hired him as a "liquor license consultant" on a per-case basis. LIGHTNER: Yes, yes, yes, yes. I remember. Taciturn type, very dour. BOOTH: Right. In jail for murder once, manslaughter twice and suspect in four unsolved murders - all involving ice picks. GALLAGHER: You know, good old Hugh did not put none of that on his resume. LIGHTNER: If I recall, Mr. Kennedy was killed in a car accident fleeing a bail enforcement officer. GALLAGHER: Guess he got burned up. Well, (he goes to get up and sighs) you guys look us up if you're ever in western West Virginia. We're at Snackie's Roadhouse and Grill. LIGHTNER: Where the 119 hits the 64. BOOTH: I'll make a note of that. (Gallagher and Lightner leave.) 119 hits the - BRENNAN & BOOTH: 64. (Cut to: Brennan's Apartment. She hears a knock on the door and looks through the peep hole. She pauses a second before she opens the door. It's her father.) MAX: Hey, T, look. Snicker doodles. What are y- (Brennan closes the door on him) MAX: (through door) Oh, come on. You used to love 'em...when you were a little girl. I got a message for you from your brother. (Upon the mention of Russ, she opens the door) BRENNAN: What message? MAX: Uh, he says hi. (he walks past her into the apartment. She closes the door) BRENNAN: Have you turned Russ into a criminal too? MAX: Hey, I haven't committed a crime in over 15 years. I'm straight. BRENNAN: Except for killing, gutting and burning the deputy director of the FBI. MAX: He was tryin' to kill Russ and then he was going after you. It is not a crime to protect your family. BRENNAN: Well, some fathers do it without killing. MAX: Did, uh, you and Booth take a look at my, uh, rap sheet? BRENNAN: Yes. MAX: And? BRENNAN: He'll arrest you if he has the chance. MAX: What else? (he waits, but she says nothing) So, these snicker doodles - Come on. You don't remember? You loved them as a little girl. BRENNAN: I don't remember. MAX: I'd come home and then you'd be jumpin' around, you were five or six years old, and you'd say "Why don't you put on the 'trying song'? Put on the 'trying song'." BRENNAN: They "trying song"? MAX: It was my favorite song. I used to sing it. It was, uh, by Poco? The band? (Brennan still doesn't have any recollection, so Max starts singing a bit of the song - "Keep on Tryin'" by Poco)MAX: (singing) "I've been thinkin' about all the things you told me. I know you're full of doubt cannot let it be. But I know if you keep on coming back for more, then I'll keep trying. I'll keep on trying." (he stops singing) It's a good song. (Brennan seems a bit moved but doesn't let on if she remembers or not. Instead she moves past him to the kitchen. She places her hand by the notepad.) MAX: Hugh Kennedy - bad guy. But he's dead - about five years ago in a car crash in West Virginia. BRENNAN: Recent evidence suggests otherwise. How do you know him? MAX: Well, him and his 'Ice Pick' were pretty famous in some circles. I gotta go. BRENNAN: Now? MAX: Yeah. You speed dialed Booth. Now he's been listening to everything and the SWAT team's on its way. I mean, I'm just guessing - but there is something I do want to say to you. BRENNAN: Mom. MAX: It's not about mom. It's about you and it's about stuff that she wanted you to know. She never got the chance to tell you. (he places a hand on her arm, but she pulls away. Then directed at the phone-) Hey, Booth. There's a couple of things that you should know about this guy Kennedy. He's got an addiction to model airplanes. (picking up the bag of cookies - then to Brennan.) Try some of these again. You'll love 'em. (he drops the bag on the counter and starts to walk away) BRENNAN: Wait, dad. What's - what's the second thing? MAX: Mmmm. He's wily. You be careful, okay? (She nods and he walks out the door. Once the door is closed, she sighs and puts her phone to her ear.) BRENNAN: (into phone) Did you get that? (Cut to: A model airplane park. Booth is sitting in his car, on the phone with Zack & Brennan - who are back at the lab. The scene continues to cut back and forth between Booth in the car - on the phone - and Brennan and Zack in the lab - who have Booth on speaker phone.) BOOTH: (into phone) Well, I gotta tell you, you're right, Zack. Every model airplane freak from Baltimore is here. ZACK: We prefer the term "pilots". BOOTH: Yeah, okay. So you're into this stuff too, huh? ZACK: Forensic anthropology is only one of my doctorates. The other is in applied engineering. I'm extremely adept to practical aeronautics. BRENNAN: (to Booth) Do you see Ice Pick? BOOTH: A lot of these guys are kinda old (he looks around) You know, they're wearing those, ush - those sunglasses that wrap around their heads. BRENNAN: Well, how many of them only have one leg? BOOTH: Well, half of them are sittin' down. Okay, how am I gonna get them to stand up? ZACK: Crashes bring everyone to their feet. BRENNAN: Uh, shoot down one of the planes. BOOTH: That's great, huh. Next thing you know I'm being evaluated by my shrink again. That's not gonna happen. ZACK: Drive onto the field. BOOTH: What? ZACK: Put your car where they like to land. Everyone will stand up and yell at you. BOOTH: (sighs) This better work. (he puts the car into gear) Now, just stay with me here. (he starts to drive onto the field) Oops. (he laughs.) Look at that guy! Look at that, huh? It seems to be working. Ha-ha. Ooh, they're mad. (A bunch of guys start coming towards Booth's car- shouting and protesting.) BRENNAN: Do you see him? BOOTH: They're all wearing long pants. I mean, how could I tell if any of 'em are wearing a prosthetic? ZACK: The prosthetic will cause a slightly unnatural alignment of the spine which will result in a compensating adjustment of- BRENNAN: (interrupting) Booth. The instinct will be for these men to step towards you. One man will be standing perfectly still. (He looks over to where all the men are but doesn't see anyone who's just standing still) MAN: Aw, forget him. MAN #2: Get off your phone! (Then he sees a man, just standing.) BOOTH: Okay. Yep, I got him. (to everyone outside the car) Sorry. Apologize. Just passing through. (Kennedy sits down and stares.) (Cut to: Halton Inn - Lobby. Kennedy is carrying his plane.) CLERK: Afternoon. KENNEDY: Anybody askin' after me? CLERK: Nope. (Kennedy heads upstairs in the elevator. As soon as the elevator door closes and it starts going up - Booth shoves his badge in the clerks face) CLERK: What the hell? BOOTH: I'm gonna need his room number. (Cut to: Halton Inn - Hallway. Booth is walking cautiously, gun drawn. He approaches Room #106) Kennedy: (surprising, from behind) Maybe I can help you. (He punches Booth and he falls to the ground. Kennedy takes his gun and drags him) [SCENE_BREAK] ACT III (Cut to: Kennedy's Room. Booth is rolled up in a carpet, placed on the bed) BOOTH: What - what'd you hit me with? Huh? The only reason I ask is my tooth, it doesn't hurt anymore. You know, you're the first guy who's got the drop on me in 10 years. KENNEDY: (throwing items into a bag) Yeah, I used to get that a lot. BOOTH: Can I ask you a question? KENNEDY: As long as you answer one for me then. BOOTH: Yeah. So what - what happened to you three years ago, huh? What's your story? KENNEDY: Billy Ray got in the back of my cab. Don't know which one of us was bigger surprised but musta been Billy Ray 'cause he's the one that ended up dead. (he turns on the TV) BOOTH: Okay, what's your question. KENNEDY: How you people find him under all that cement? BOOTH: A dog. KENNEDY: A dog, huh? BOOTH: Yeah. So why am I not dead? KENNEDY: I never killed nobody for fun. It was my job. And I'm retired. Now listen. I know you fellas get in trouble if you lose your gun. I'm taking the bullets though, if you don't mind. BOOTH: Whoa! Oh, Well, what about me? KENNEDY: Settle down. BOOTH: Wha- KENNEDY: Settle down. Relax. (He stuffs a towel in Booth's mouth) Someone'll find you. (Booth tries to protest, but it's muffled) You have a good day now. (Kennedy leaves and Booth starts struggling and rolls to the floor) (Cut to: Royal Diner. Brennan is sitting at the counter drinking coffee. Max enters.) MAX: I just want to talk about your mother. BRENNAN: Booth is missing. (Max sees that she's distraught) It's been over 18 hours. MAX: He tried to take down Hugh Kennedy by himself? BRENNAN: He's only got one leg and he's old. MAX: Yeah. You know how he got old? By being fast and paranoid. He cut off his own leg. BRENNAN: Booth is tough. MAX: What does the FBI say? BRENNAN: Nothing. MAX: Yeah. "Need to know", right? BRENNAN: Mmhm. (she pauses) I want to do something but I don't - I don't know what. MAX: Are you asking? BRENNAN: You'd help find the man who's going to put you in jail? MAX: Well, Booth will - will do the best he can. I'll do the best I can and we'll see how it works out when we get there. Wh-where did he find Kennedy? BRENNAN: Baltimore. (Cut to: Kennedy's Room. Booth is still on the floor but someone is there with him and turns him over.) BOOTH: (muffled) Ow. God! (He looks up and sees Gallagher and Clark Lightner staring down at him) LIGHTNER: I'm afraid that's not Hugh Kennedy. GALLAGHER: What's that called when they wrap a sausage in a pancake? BOOTH: (muffled) Pigs in a blanket. LIGHTNER: Pigs in a blanket. (Gallagher pulls the towel out of Booth's mouth) GALLAGHER: Now, how'd you get here? BOOTH: How'd you get here? GALLAGHER: Um, Billy Ray was killed by an ice pick in Baltimore. We asked around. LIGHTNER: Was it Hugh Kennedy that bundled you up in a carpet? BOOTH: Look, I can't discuss ongoing investigations with civilians, alright so just cut me out of here. Hey, what are you doing with my gun? Put that down! (Gallagher pistol whips him.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Bay. Hodgins, Angela and Zack are gathered around Cam.) CAM: Okay. Time to step out of your comfort zone, people. HODGINS: What comfort zone? CAM: We've stopped working. I'd like to start again. ZACK: We process evidence. There's no more evidence for us to process. HODGINS: He's right. We process. Booth interprets. ANGELA: I'd like to give it a try. ZACK: No, we suck at interpretation. HODGINS: We absolutely blow. ANGELA: Um, what do you want us to do? CAM: Work what we know. McKenna was probably killed by Kennedy. Booth ran afoul of Kennedy. ZACK: I'm with you. (Cam waits for an idea from him) I'm with you, not ahead of you. CAM: Okay, is there any forensic evidence on our victim that might lead to Kennedy and Booth? HODGINS: Well, I mean, I - I finished the inventory on McKenna's tracksuit. There were flakes of tobacco, fibers from the upholstery of a Crown Victoria, popcorn, chocolate, a host of other wool and cotton threads. CAM: Okay, what does that tell us? ANGELA: That the man was a pig? HODGINS: Look, there were also, uh, cellulose fibers consistent with newsprint, gum from a number of different mouths. Uh, he had dried chunks of human mucous, a half-dozen filaments of nylon consistent with women's hosiery- ZACK: Oh! Uh, Kennedy was a transvestite. (They all shoot him a disbelieving look) CAM: (to Hodgins) Keep going. HODGINS: The rest was just waxy buildup from soap or upholstery cleaner. CAM: (sighs) Let's assume, all this adds up to a place-crime scene. Close your eyes and imagine the smell of all those things. (clears through) Tobacco, snot, gum, popcorn, a lot of clothing, chocolate- HODGINS: Porno movie theatre. ZACK: You can't smoke at the movies. I don't now about porno. CAM: Upholstery cleaner, Crown Victoria- ANGELA: I got it - a taxicab. McKenna was killed in a taxicab. CAM: Yes. (She goes to walk out) ANGELA: Where are you going? CAM: To tell the FBI they're looking for a one-legged cabbie in Baltimore. (Cut to: Model airplane park. A man is driving his airplane up the runway) MAN ON PA: Tiger Moth, you're up. P-51 Mustang on deck. TIM: You know, you guys, it's not like we all know each other off the field, so- BRENNAN: But you know a man with a prosthetic leg. TIM: Uh, yeah. I've seen him around.BRENNAN: We need his name. MAX: No, Honey, he'd be using a fake name. We need to know where he lives. BRENNAN: Well, maybe he's listed under his fake name. MAX: He's too careful for that. (Brennan's cell phone goes off. She received a text message and checks it.) BRENNAN: He drives a cab. MAX: How do you know that? BRENNAN: My associates are very good, Dad. TIM: Can I ask a questions? Do you guys have any, like official ID or anything? BRENNAN: I can have the FBI here in 20 minutes. MAX: No, no, no. Screw the FBI.. (he places his foot on Tim's plane - as if he's going to crush it.) TIM: No, no. Hold on. Easy. Take it easy, pal. MAX: Where does he live? TIM: I don't know! (Max presses his foot down harder) BRENNAN: Dad! TIM: Alright, alright! H-Halton Inn on Decatur. (Max presses down on the airplane again) TIM: No! No! No! BRENNAN: Dad! He told us! MAX: Are you lying to me? Because if you are, I'll know it. TIM: Halton Inn on Decatur! Just past the tracks! Easy. Wha- (Max kicks the plane and walks away) Wh- what's this all about? BRENNAN: Thank you. TIM: You're welcome. Your dad's a psycho, by the way. BRENNAN: You have no idea. TIM: Bye. (Cut to: Halton Inn - Lobby. Clerk is reading a newspaper when Brennan and Max approach him) BRENNAN: Do you have a one-legged old man staying here?CLERK: Give me forty bucks. (Brennan goes to reach for her purse) MAX: (grabs the clerk) Room number, please. BRENNAN: Dad! Dad. I -I have the money. (Cut to: Halton Inn - Hallway. Max breaks down the door to Kennedy's room and find Veleska Miller - who aims a stun gun at him and Brennan.) BRENNAN: Dad! Look out. (He uses her bag to block the hit) BRENNAN: (to Max) Who is she? MAX: I don't think she's gonna tell us. (Veleska knocks max down and Brennan attacks her with a crutch but Veleska knocks Brennan down and runs out into the hallway. Brennan and Max step out in to the hallway. Max notices a rug.) MAX: Come on, help me. Pull! Pull! (They pull the rug and Veleska falls hits the wall and falls to the ground.) MAX: She reminds me of your mother. (going over toVeleska) Hey. Hey, listen to me. I like you but if you make another move on me, I will hurt you, understand? BRENNAN: IF her name's Veleska, she's the same bounty hunter who brought in Kennedy's leg. MAX: How'd you find him?VELESKA: It's not that hard to find a one-legged, old white hit man in Baltimore. (Brennan finds a tooth on the ground and picks it up and examines it.) BRENNAN: Why is she after him? MAX: She has to make sure that Kennedy stays gone. VELESKA: I helped a wanted fugitive evade arrest. I'm not going to jail. MAX: What do you got? BRENNAN: It's a left anterior molar. It's Booth's tooth. (she punches Veleska in the face) Where's Booth? MAX: Temperance, honey. (he grabs her hands to stop her from hitting Veleska again.) BRENNAN: Kennedy has Booth, Dad. He's got Booth! MAX: Okay. (Cut to: Perdue Airfield. Booth is tied to a chair and Gallagher hits him across the face. It seems like Booth has been beaten up quite a bit.) LIGHTHER: Perhaps he didn't see Kennedy. GALLAGHER: Yeah? Now how'd you come to that though? LIGHTNER: Well, Kennedy would've have left him with an ice pick protruding from his head. GALLAGHER: Just one simple question, big dog. Did you see Kennedy? (Booth says nothing) LIGHTNER: We could get our own ice pick, make it look like Kennedy killed him. GALLAGHER: You know we can't let you live, right? LIGHTNER: You've been struck and restrained. Technically, kidnapping a federal agent is as bad as murdering him these days. (to Gallagher) How would you like to kill him? GALLAGHER: First I gotta know for sure if Kennedy's dead or alive. BOOTH: (sarcastically) Good luck with that one, big dog. GALLAGHER: Big dog. LIGHTNER: Oh, I suppose we could do that thing that McKenna used to do. But I'd need a blow torch and a sharpened screwdriver. GALLAGHER: Just tell us. BOOTH: (quietly) Woof. (Lightner pulls a picture of Booth's wallet and hands it to Gallagher.) LIGHTNER: Ah. GALLAGHER: Oh, cute. Must be his kid, huh. (Booth remains stoic. Gallagher punches him in the face again.) Head like an anvil. I hurt my hand. Alright. (he hold up the picture of Parker) Gonna let you take a look at your sweet boy. Consign his face into your memory and then I'm gonna ask you which one of your eyes you like best. (Booth head butts Gallagher - knocking him to the ground. Lightner kicks the chair, that Booth is tied to, over and starts kicking him in the stomach. Repeatedly.) ACT IV (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's office. Zack is holding up dental x-rays) ZACK: Definitely Booth's tooth. BRENNAN: I knew it. (She grabs her bag and goes to head out the door) CAM: Brennan. (Brennan stops and turns to her) You're not alone in this. BRENNAN: I know I'm not alone. CAM: We all want to find Booth. BRENNAN: I know. (She leaves and Angela heads after her.)ZACK: This is one of those times when I have no idea what's happening. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hallway. Angela is chasing down Brennan) ANGELA: Brennan, wait. BRENNAN: I have to go, Ange. ANGELA: What's goin' on? BRENNAN: I've got to find Booth. ANGELA: I'm coming with you.BRENNAN: No. ANGELA: I can't fight or shoot a gun, but if something bad happens I can spit with deadly accuracy. BRENNAN: Thanks, but no. ANGELA: What can't you tell me? BRENNAN: By definition, I can't tell you. ANGELA: Alright, alright. Hodgins is outside in his fastest car. It's Italian. One call, and he follows you everywhere. BRENNAN: Angela.. ANGELA: Alright, you're after a crazy, old, ice-pick hit man who has Booth. You need help. Look at my face. Do you really see me back down? BRENNAN: I- I already have help, Ange. ANGELA: From whom? BRENNAN: From someone worse than Kennedy. ANGELA: Are you serious? BRENNAN: Don't say it. ANGELA: Your father is helping you? BRENNAN: I have to go. (Brennan walks off as Angela stares after her.) ANGELA: (to herself) Oh, my.... (Cut to: Cut to: Halton Inn - Room. Max has Veleska tied to the bed with a pillow over her face. Brennan enters.) BRENNAN: Dad! MAX: Was it Booth's tooth? BRENNAN: Yes. Stop that. (Max removes the pillow) What are you doing? MAX: Well, we have to know for sure if Kennedy's alive or dead. I mean, what if she and her friends took Booth? (He covers her face again -then to Brennan) If this bothers you, maybe you should go. BRENNAN: No. Alpha male, man of action- I- I get it. MAX: Now. Tell us. VELESKA: Okay. Okay. Kennedy's alive. (Max goes to cover her face again) I was chasing him for the bail. He was smarter than me, and he gave me a choice - help him fake his death or die myself. BRENNAN: Where'd you get the body? VELESKA: We stole some dead old geezer from a mortuary in Charleston. BRENNAN: Where's my partner? VELESKA: When I got here, no one was here. (Max goes to cover her face again) I swear. BRENNAN: (to Max.) What do we do with her? VELESKA: Oh, god. No. (Max goes to put the pillow under her head but she thought that he was going to cover her face again) MAX: The room is paid for through the end of the week. (Cut to: Brennan's car. Brennan and Max are driving and talking) MAX: Kennedy does not have Booth. BRENNAN: How do you know? MAX: He's only got one leg. BRENNAN: So? MAX: Well, so he's retired. He's like me. He just- he just wants to disappear. BRENNAN: (sighs) Then who's got Booth? MAX: Well, there's only one other significant player in all this. (He holds up the chart on yellow paper that Booth had written at the beginning of the episode) BRENNAN: Gallagher. What am I gonna do with you when I get to the lab? MAX: Mmm, I'll just take a nap here in the car. Been an awfully exciting day for an old guy like me. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. The team is sifting through files when Brennan enters.) BRENNAN: Booth is being held by Melvin Gallagher. CAM: That's a leaf. How do you know? BRENNAN: Can we just go with this, please? CAM: Of course not. ANGELA: Obviously, Brennan found out from her father who is a wanted fugitive. BRENNAN: Ange! CAM: Now that I can go with. BRENNAN: We need to figure out where Gallagher is holding Booth. (They all look towards Hodgins) ANGELA: Has anybody noticed that every time there's a panic situation, all eyes turn to Hodgins? HODGINS: It's okay. ANGELA: What's he suppose to do? BRENNAN: Shoes. ANGELA: Shoes? BRENNAN: Gallagher said, the last time he saw McKenna he was leaving for vacation after a tough night of work. CAM: You think Gallagher might have a place he takes people for that sort of thing. HODGINS: Let me go over Cement Head's shoes, see what they tell us. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hodgins work area. He's entering some information in the computer) HODGINS: Methyl ethyl ketone. ZACK: It's a solvent. HODGINS: See if it has any specialized uses. Also chromic acid. ZACK: M.E.K and chromic acid are both used to prepare metals. HODGINS: Prepare metals for what? ZACK: Coating - uh, painting mostly. Electroplating. HODGINS: I'm seeing microthin deposits of aluminum here. ZACK: Shavings? HODGINS: No, it's more anodized. Vapor deposition. ZACK: Gallagher flies everywhere? An aluminum propeller requires a coating that could withstand between 10 and 20 tons of centrifugal force- preferably anodized. (Hodgins points at Zack - letting him know he's on to something and then runs off) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's office. Everyone is in her office.) BRENNAN: These are Gallagher's tax returns. We're looking for a purchase of any machine that can be used for anodization. ANGELA: What, like a copier, or - HODGINS: Oh, that's so cute but no. ZACK: Look for the words "lamination,""electroplating"- HODGINS: "Alloy membranes," "catalytic bed reactor" - ZACK: "Serial thermal processor." BRENNAN: "Vacuum pyrolysis." ANGELA: "D-330 vacuum plating processor."? HODGINS: Yeah. That's it. BRENNAN: That's it. (Brennan runs over to the phone and starts dialing) BRENNAN: (into phone) Yes. This is Dr. Brennan at the Jeffersonian. I just received a call from Agent Booth that he's being held at the Perdue Airfield in Oakville, Virginia. Send backup. I'm going in. (she hangs up) ANGELA: You just lied your ass off to the Federal Bureau of Investigations. (Brennan grabs her jacket and runs out) HODGINS: That is so hot. (Cut to: Montage. Cuts back and forth between Brennan and Max driving in the car, Booth getting beaten and burned by Gallagher and Lightner and the rest of the team in the lab. Lightner uses a blowtorch to head a screwdriver to press it against Booth's leg just as Brennan and Max break through the door. Booth uses his shoulder to knock down Lightner while Brennan rushes over to him and Gallagher turns and runs. He gets as far as outside before the rest of the FBI is there to catch him. Max, who was following him sees the agents and turns and runs back in to where Brennan is leaning over Booth. Lightner has the screwdriver embedded in his chest) BRENNAN: (to Lightner) If you lie really still, you may not die. MAX: I need your car. BOOTH (still on the ground tied to the chair) Max Keenan, you're under arrest. MAX: Not if I get the keys. BRENNAN: They're in the ignition. (Max kisses her on the forehead and heads out. Booth gives her a surprised look.) BRENNAN: Well, it's not like I actually gave him the keys. (The agents show up inside the airplane hanger. Booth is safe.) (Cut to: Brennan's apartment. Max is writing her a note. He kisses a picture of her and her mother and places it on the notepad as well as a glass dolphin. He gets up and leaves the apartment. The note says: "Honey, Next time I really want to tell you some things about your mother. Love, Dad") (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth and Brennan are sitting, talking.) BRENNAN: Why didn't you just - just tell them about Kennedy? BOOTH: Well, ya know, I needed to give you time to find me. (he looks up at her) Ah, I've been tortured worse. So, uh, you hear anything from your old man? (She takes out the letter and the glass dolphin and places them on the table. Booth picks up the dolphin.) BRENNAN: He left my car in the garage. (Booth picks up the letter and reads it) BOOTH: He'll be back. BRENNAN: How do you know? BOOTH: Max Keenan does not strike me as the kind of guy who, uh, leaves things undone. BRENNAN: Next time he shows up, what do I do? Do I call you? Do I knock him on the head? What's my obligation? BOOTH: Well, if I were you, Bones, I'd wanna know what he has to tell you about your mother, but, uh, that's just me. BRENNAN: (she has a throught and smiles) There's, uh, this old song. It's called "Keep on Trying." BOOTH: Yeah. Poco. BRENNAN: You know it? BOOTH: (singing quietly) I've been drinking now, just a little to much. BRENNAN: (joining him) Much. BOOTH & BRENNAN: (singing) And I don't know how BRENNAN: (singing) I can get in touch with you. BOOTH: (joins her) You. BOOTH & BRENNAN: (singing) And there's only one thing for me to do. BRENNAN: It's to keep on tryin' BOOTH: (joins her) Tryin'. BOOTH & BRENNAN: (singing) To get home to you. (They both smile and laugh) BOOTH: Yeah, what about it? BRENNAN: It's a good old song, right? BOOTH: Right. (Camera pulls back as the end of "Keep on Tryin" by Poco plays - scene fades out.) END.

Plan: A: concrete; Q: What was the body encased in? A: a hunch; Q: What does Booth have when he thinks the victim is connected to an organized-crime boss? A: a severed leg; Q: What was found of Hugh Kennedy? A: Baltimore; Q: Where does Booth go to find the hit man? A: a visit; Q: What does Brennan's father pay her? A: her father; Q: Who does Brennan help slip away? A: Kennedy's hotel room; Q: Where do Brennan and her father find the bounty hunter? A: Booth's tooth; Q: What does Brennan find in the hallway? A: Kennedy's former rival crime boss; Q: Who is Gallagher? A: an aircraft hangar; Q: Where is Booth found? A: the FBI; Q: Who arrests Gallagher? A: his chair; Q: What does Booth tip over? A: a fugitive; Q: What is Max? Summary: The remains of a body are discovered encased in concrete, and Booth has a hunch the victim is connected to an organized-crime boss. When Booth suspects a dead, former hit man (Hugh Kennedy) is apparently alive, he contacts the bounty hunter who found what was left of his remains (a severed leg). When Booth travels to Baltimore to find the hit man, he gets knocked unconscious and tied up by Kennedy himself, but Kennedy soon flees, leaving Booth relatively unhurt whilst still restrained. Meanwhile, Brennan's estranged father pays her a visit. Brennan later appeals to her father to find Booth, having not heard from him. When they get to Baltimore, they find Kennedy's hotel room and the bounty hunter inside. Brennan gets violent with her when she finds Booth's tooth in the hallway, suspecting the bounty hunter's involvement in her partner's abduction. Meanwhile, Booth is being tortured by Kennedy's former rival crime boss, Gallagher and his partner. When Booth is finally located in an aircraft hangar, Brennan and Max come to his rescue. When Gallagher tries to escape, he's arrested by the FBI waiting outside while his partner injures himself when Booth tips over his chair. Booth tries to arrest Max even in his state, given Max's status as a fugitive. Brennan helps her father slip away.

[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL/CASINO - ROULETTE TABLE - NIGHT] (Open on a roulette ball being put into play, then a top view of a roulette wheel in play. MRS. RIFKIN and her husband are playing.) Mrs. Rifkin: Okay. Come on. MR. RIFKIN: Come on. MRS. RIFKIN: Let's go. Come on. MR. RIFKIN: Don't fail me. MRS. RIFKIN: Come on, baby. I'm feeling this one. Mr. Rifkin: Don't fail me. MRS. RIFKIN: Don't you let me down. MR. RIFKIN: Come on now. MRS. RIFKIN: All right. Black 22. (MRS. RIFKIN reaches out a puts a stack of red chips on the number. They watch the ball on the wheel.) Mr. Rifkin: If this happens, I'm buying you a shot. House: No more bets. (The ball stops on Black 22.) Mr. Rifkin: Yes! (The couple cheers, hug and kiss each other in celebration.) Mrs. Rifkin: Yeah. (The house pushes their win toward the couple. MRS. RIFKIN reaches for ward to grab the chips. Her husband glances over at the bar and sees a WOMAN IN RED leaning against the counter and standing next to a man.) Mrs. Rifkin: Give me my money. (She grabs the chips and pulls it toward her.) Mrs. Rifkin: Oh, my. (She turns to her husband and drapes her arms around his neck to hold him close.) Mrs. Rifkin: Let's cash out. Mr. Rifkin: Why? I, uh, I thought we were going to take some risks tonight. Mrs. Rifkin: (suggestively) Come on ... I want to go dancing. Mr. Rifkin: Really? Mrs. Rifkin: Mm-hmm. Mr. Rifkin: Okay. As long as it's lap dancing. (Her jaw drops in surprise.) Mrs. Rifkin: What has gotten into you? (He smiles back, then they hug. Over her shoulder, MR. RIFKIN glances over at the bar to look at the woman in red, but she's gone.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. BAR -- NIGHT] (MRS. RIFKIN and her husband sit at the bar.) Mr. Dominguez: Hey, buddy, when you get a chance, can I get a couple more of these martinis? One with an olive, one with a twist. Thank you. Mrs. Rifkin: Why don't we, um ... take those up to the room? (She smiles, laughs and kisses him.) Mrs. Rifkin: 'Cause I'm feeling a little ... uh ... (She kisses him again as her husband looks beyond her to the WOMAN IN RED in the back of the room with her husband.) Mrs. Rifkin: (whispering) ... Frisky. (MRS. RIFKIN turns around to look at who he's looking at. She sees the couple, then turns back to her husband.) Mrs. Rifkin: Do you know them? Mr. Rifkin: (chuckles and shakes his head) No, but how frisky do you feel? (They both turn and glance over at the couple. Her husband points over at them.) (The Rifkin's stand up and head for the other couple.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT (STOCK) - SUNRISE] [INT. THE SPHERE - TENTH FLOOR -- MORNING] (CAMERA LOW TO THE GROUND as the hotel housekeeper pushes her cart through the hallway. She pauses at the next room door and knocks.) Housekeeper: Housekeeping. Coming in. (She opens the door, pushes it wide open and walks into the darkened room. She reaches out and flips the switch to open the curtains, but after a moment, they only open part of the way. She stops, turns back and tries the curtain switch again. After hitting it several times, she gives up and heads for the curtains to open them herself.) (She walks across the bedroom and jiggles the drapes. Suddenly, she stops, turns around slowly ... and screams.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. THE SPHERE - TENTH FLOOR -- MORNING] (Several quick flashes of ALICE DOMINGUEZ'S slashed throat. Resume to present.) (ALICE DOMINGUEZ is slumped back in her seat at the table. There is blood spattered all along the table, the vase on the table and along the wall.) (Camera moves rapidly around and stops on ... (GRISSOM stares at the scene. He steps forward and examines the injury. CATHERINE walks into the room and examines the blood spatter on the walls.) Grissom: Her throat's been slit by what appears to have been a very sharp implement. (GRISSOM straightens and looks around the room.) Grissom: The room is completely stripped. No bedding, no sheets. Catherine: No towels, either. Someone took a few souvenirs. I'll check the surveillance tapes. (CATHERINE walks out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. GRISSOM goes back to examining the body.) (He takes out her driver's license and looks at it: CALIFORNIA DRIVER LICENSE EXPIRES: 7/13/07 CLASS: ALICE DOMINGUEZ 311 SEPHILL LOS ANGELES, CA 90078 s*x: F HAIR: BRN EYES: BRN HT: 5'7" WT: 130 DOB: 7-13-72 RSTR: NONE {signature} Grissom: Alice Dominguez. (GRISSOM shows CATHERINE the wallet.) Grissom: She wasn't robbed. Catherine: It's not her room, either. It was registered under the name of Parker. (GRISSOM shines his flashlight on ALICE DOMINGUEZ' left hand.) Grissom: Wedding ring. Where's the husband? (Off screen, we hear a faint, electronic whirring sound. The camera cuts to CATHERINE'S black bag and kit on the floor off to the side. GRISSOM looks over to her things.) (CATHERINE turns to answer it.) Grissom: I think your cell phone's vibrating. Catherine: (turns back to look at GRISSOM) You heard that? (GRISSOM goes back to looking at the wallet.) Grissom: Mm-hmm. (CATHERINE reaches for her phone and smiles at GRISSOM.) Catherine: You're back. (Distracted, GRISSOM doesn't hear her.) Grissom: Huh? (CATHERINE smiles as she answers her phone. GRISSOM squints ... or winks at her.) HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY] [INT. THE SPHERE - TENTH FLOOR HALLWAY - DAY] (BRASS, WARRICK and NICK walk through the hallway on the way to the hotel room.) Warrick: There's only two reasons why people get murdered in a casino. Brass: s*x or money. Well, on the money side, the room was booked yesterday, under a stolen credit card belonging to a Mrs. Parker. She's a 75-year-old living alone in Henderson. As far as s*x goes, well, I want to be a believer. (They stop in front of the taped-off room. NICK looks beyond that to the stairs just next to it.) Nick: Room closest to the exit. Imagine that. Warrick: Quick escape. Murder Central. Security cameras? Brass: Uh, not in the hallway. Only in the elevator. We're on it. Nick: Take the exit. (NICK walks over to the stairway door.) Warrick: I'll take the money trail. (WARRICK leaves.) Brass: And I'll, uh ... go door-to-door. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE SPHERE - TENTH FLOOR ROOM -- DAY] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE study the dead body. CATHERINE stands in front of the body, while GRISSOM stands behind it. He moves around to the front.) Catherine: This is very weird. Grissom: Yeah, usually when someone gets their throat cut, it's from behind. Catherine: Yeah, and it starts there, ends there. It's not very deep. (CATHERINE checks the woman's hands.) Catherine: No ligature marks. No defensive wounds. Grissom: I think whoever did this was sitting in that chair. (Quick flash to: Close up of the knife and ALICE DOMINGUEZ'S reflection in the knife as it's being held up against her neck.) (End of quick flash. Resume to present.) Catherine: She sat there and allowed someone to slit her throat? (GRISSOM looks back at CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL -- CASINO -- DAY] (SARA leans up against the counter looking at a piece of paper. WARRICK walks up to her. They both turn and walk through the casino.) Warrick: Hey, girl. Sara: Hi. Warrick: What you got? Sara: Not much. Mrs. Dominguez checked in with her husband yesterday. Room Warrick: 869? That's, like, two floors away from where she was found dead. Sara: Anybody heard from the husband yet? Warrick: He's M.I.A., but he left a gambling paper trail. Sara: Really? Warrick: I have a signature and a thumbprint from where Mr. Dominguez signed a $5,000 cash-advance check. Sara: Cash advance, huh? Warrick: It was cash advance on a credit card. It's not cheap. It's, like $90 every thousand. Sara: That's a rip-off. Warrick: Not if you're desperate. He must have had a bad night. Sara: Yeah, and Mrs. Dominguez had a worse night. You know, nobody's checked their suite yet. Would you care to join me? Warrick: Let's do it. (They walk off camera frame.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TENTH FLOOR HALLWAY -- DAY] (BRASS talks with a man in the hotel room directly next door to the crime scene room.) Guest (man): I heard some voices raised and a door slamming. Brass: Mm. How many voices? Guest (man): Two. No, wait. Uh, maybe it was three. (He shrugs.) Definitely a man and a woman. Brass: What were they saying? Guest (man): Uh, it was hard to tell. You know, the walls in these joints are pretty thick. They were definitely arguing about something. Brass: Did you get a look at them? Guest (man): Uh, just through the spy hole. (Quick flashback to: The GUEST looks through the peephole and sees a man and a woman arguing loudly as they're walking away from the room. These are the two people in the teaser who were in front of the roulette wheel.) Mr. Rifkin: Obviously he's insane. They're both crazy. Mrs. Rifkin: Why would you put me in that situation? Mr. Rifkin: I didn't put you in that position with ... (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: What time was that? Guest (man): 10:35. Brass: 10:35? You seem to be pretty sure about that. Guest (man): Well, I-I had just ordered a pay-per-view movie, and it was just about to begin. Brass: Oh, yeah? Which one was that? Guest (man): Arma-get-it-on. Brass: You mean, Armageddon? Guest (man): No. Arma-get-it-on. Brass: Oh. (beat) Good movie? Guest (man): Worked for me. (BRASS leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALLWAY/STAIRWELL - DAY] (NICK takes a print off of the door. He walks inside the stairwell. He peers over and above the railing.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARKING - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (NICK opens the door and walks outside. He puts his sunglasses on and rounds the corner. He heads for the group of valets. As he approaches, most of them disburse.) Nick: Hey, guys. How you doing? Uh, I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab, and I'm ... Kenny Richmond: Nick Stokes? Nick: Yeah. (NICK turns around to look at a valet who's smiling at him in recognition.) Kenny Richmond: What's up? It's Kenny! Kenny Richmond. Rebel baseball. I played backup catcher. Nick: Kenny. Kenny Richmond: Yeah! Nick: Hi, Kenny! Kenny Richmond: Yeah! Nick: How you doing, man? Kenny Richmond: How you doing? Nick: Good to see you. Kenny Richmond: Good to see you! Look at you, man. Nick: Yeah. Yeah. Kenny Richmond: What are you doing here? You a cop now? Nick: Uh, Crime Scene Investigator. I'm on a case. Kenny Richmond: Crime scene? Rock on, man. You're here on the tenth floor thing, right? Nick: Right. Kenny Richmond: Yeah. I heard about that, man. Everybody's talking about it. Somebody, uh, bashed some chick's brains in, I think, right? Nick: Yeah, actually, uh, she had her throat slit and bled out all over the room. I'll know more when I check the surveillance camera. Kenny Richmond: Well, what are you doing down here? Nick: Uh, I'm just checking possible escape routes. She was murdered in the room closest to the exit. Murder Central. (NICK looks up at the hotel building. KENNY glances up, too.) Kenny Richmond: Murder Central, huh? Cool. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Camera opens on ALICE DOMINGUEZ'S slit throat. ROBBINS goes over his findings with CATHERINE.) Robbins: Cut began at the right carotid. Severed the artery and the jugular vein and terminated at the trachea. It's not as deep as I would expect for this kind of crime. Catherine: He sliced her gently? Robbins: Well, yeah. Oftentimes, the only thing intact is the spinal column. This did the job and nothing more. Catherine: And what did the tox report give us? Robbins: Alcohol count was .20. Catherine: Double the legal limit. Robbins: There was no limit to Mrs. Dominguez. Blood work showed heavy traces of M.D.M.A. Catherine: Ecstasy? And alcohol? Party mix. Robbins: Yeah, it might have made her docile. Catherine: Well, maybe it explains why she was cut from the front. Robbins: That may explain her head. Now let's move down to the toes. (ROBBINS removes a piece of glitter from her toes. Camera zooms in to show that it's purple and has a S-shaped cut out in the middle of the square piece.) Catherine: Glitter? Robbins: Yeah. There is a ... a strip club, um, named Shimmer on industrial. I, uh, recognized the "s" almost immediately. Catherine: You go, Doc. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE SPHERE - ROOM 869 -- DAY] (SARA knocks on the door lightly, then opens it. She and WARRICK walk into the room.) Sara: Hello? Mr. Dominguez? (They walk into the room.) Sara: Looks like the bed wasn't slept in. Warrick: Yeah. (SARA looks through the suitcase.) Warrick: Stopped for gas in Barstow. Big tank. $43. Sara: Clothes are still here. Warrick: Ford explorer. California plates. Two-Paul-Charlie-Edward-329. Sara: Really? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE SPHERE - PARKING GARAGE -- DAY] (WARRICK, SARA and NICK each walk along the individual garage floors looking for the car.) (Cut to: NICK approaches a bronco with the license plate 2PCE329. He looks inside the car and sees Mr. Dominguez.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) -- DAY] [INT. THE SPHERE - PARKING GARAGE - DAY - SHORT TIME LATER] (The area around the car is taped off. WARRICK, NICK and SARA check the car for evidence.) (NICK is looking at the dead body in the driver's seat. WARRICK is checking the passenger seat while SARA examines the back.) Nick: Hey, Warrick. Take a look at this wound. It's different than the wife's. She was cut from the front. Warrick: Yeah, this one looks like he was cut from the back. (Quick flashback to: Mr. Dominguez getting his throat cut from the back. Blood spatters on the rear view mirror.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (SARA opens the back seat and finds the knife on the floor. She picks it up.) Sara: Hey, guys? I got a knife. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- DAY] (Several camera flashes of the knife.) (JACQUI FRANCO takes the photos of the knife while GRISSOM goes through the other evidence. She takes a print off of the knife. NICK opens an evidence bag and takes out a check and shows it to JACQUI.) Nick: Use this, uh ... cash-advance check Warrick found as a reference. (The information on the check reads: PAY THE SUM OF: $5,000.00 PURCHASED FROM CREDIT REFERENCE NO. 0173084857 LOCATION 00580241 VERIFY 41223514 DATE 10/05/03 TIME 20:13:42 {CHECK NOS. 94040412235145 (on bottom of check)} {finger print} {098723-87665-99 (number under print)} Jacqui Franco: Hmm. Ink pads make for great exemplars. Nick: And compare that to the print I pulled off the exit door and the knife ... please. (NICK opens a second bag and takes out the print card with the following information on the back of the Pro-Lift Fingerprint Collection System Card: INVESTIGATING AGENCY: CSI CASE NO: 9-27-03-085692-001 DATE 9-27-03 TIME 8:49 4 OFFICER LIFTING PRINT N. STOKES SPHERE HOTEL RM 1059 Nick: Here you go. (JACQUI takes the card and looks at it under a glass.) Jacqui Franco: Good characteristics here. (She looks at the other print.) Jacqui Franco: Match to the door handle. (She looks at the knife print.) Jacqui Franco: And a match to the knife. Grissom: One print on the knife. One print on the exit door. Both belonging to the husband. But we have two victims. Greg: Speaking of twos ... I found blood from both victims on the knife. (They turn around to find GREG standing in the doorway with test results in his hand.) Grissom: So it's possible the husband killed the wife. Who killed the husband? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SHIMMER -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM interview a DANCER at the strip club.) Dancer: Yeah, they look familiar - (She hands the paper with the DMV license information back to GRISSOM.) Dancer: ... from the neck up. I must've given them four, five lap dances each. They made my night. Catherine: So, they were George. (GRISSOM looks up at them. CATHERINE supplies an explanation.) Catherine: Big tippers. Dancer: No. They weren't the ones paying for it. The other couple was. Grissom: The other couple? Dancer: Yeah, we were all in the VIP booth over there. (She glances over across the room.) (Quick flashback to: The DANCER working with the couple. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Dancer: The four of them -- they came in together. The other couple just wanted to watch. So I assumed they were friends. Good friends. (Quick flashback to: While the DANCER dances for the couple, the second couple watches. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Dancer: I didn't get a good look at the other two, but they slid that money across the table ... mmm, brick this big. So, like I said, they just wanted to doggie in the window. (GRISSOM looks from the DANCER to CATHERINE.) Catherine: (explains) Watch. Dancer: And they were subbing drinks left and right. (Again, GRISSOM looks from the DANCER to CATHERINE.) Catherine: Ordering clear drinks to keep the party going. What'd they order? Dancer: Two vodkas, two soda waters. Catherine: Guess who got the hard stuff. (CATHERINE'S cell phone rings. She answers it. When CATHERINE turns away, the DANCER starts to work on GRISSOM.) Dancer: (smiling) Hi. Would you like a dance? (GRISSOM takes off his glasses. While CATHERINE'S on the phone, she keeps an eye on GRISSOM. She finishes her conversation.) Catherine: Uh, I got to be at the courthouse. Apparently, there's a last-minute evidentiary hearing in the Sam Braun case. I need to be there. Dancer: You sure you don't want a dance? I could be your specimen. You could be my mad scientist. Catherine: (smiles) He already is, sweetheart. Thanks. (They turn to leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB] (ARCHIE goes over the video footage of elevator #4 with SARA. The timer on the monitor reads 1:44 a.m. (UP)) Archie Johnson: So, this is the last footage we have of the Dominguezes alive. (The monitor shows the elevator going up from floor #7 through floor #10. Sara: Have we I.D.'d that other couple? Archie Johnson: Not yet, but check it out. (rewinds tape) Brass's witness said he heard a couple arguing at 10:35. (In Elevator #4 at around 10:36 (DN), the monitor shows the couple still arguing in the elevator.) Archie Johnson: This must be them, going down. But coming up ... (He shows the elevator earlier at 10:09 pm (UP). It's the couple from the teaser and they're still arguing. There's a second couple in the elevator with them.) Sara: They're with the same mystery couple who brought up the Dominguezes. Can you make me a still of the 10:35 couple, the ones that went up and down? Sara: Freeze it there. What's in his hand? (ARCHIE manipulates the video to show what it is.) Archie Johnson: That's a room key. Tangiers Casino. Sara: Do me a favor, Archie. Call Grissom. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - CONFERENCE ROOM] (As the group waits to meet, the television is on.) Paula Francis (newswoman): (from tv) New leads in the double homicide at the Sphere Hotel and Casino. According to sources within the crime lab, the killer or killers most likely fled the room CSIs call "Murder Central," the nearest room to the emergency exit. (On NICK as he realized where they got that piece of information.) Paula Francis (newswoman): (from tv) CSIs are currently checking surveillance footage in an effort to identify possible suspects. Nick: What the hell? Warrick: What? Nick: Kenny Richmond, that's what. Warrick: Who's that? Nick: This valet at The Sphere. I played baseball in college with this guy. I bumped into him for, like, two seconds. Warrick: Don't tell me you opened your mouth to the guy. (NICK doesn't say anything, although his look says it all for him.) Warrick: Hey, man. You could lose your job over something like this. Nick: Hey, it's not like I ran my mouth to the press, okay? Warrick: Best thing you could do is go to Grissom and 'fess up. Nick: 'Fess up to what? There were a hundred people at that crime scene. Anyone could have gone to a reporter and told them what was going on with the case, man. Warrick: Or what, you going to wait till he comes to you and then lie about it? (WARRICK stands up and turns ... right into GRISSOM who is standing in the doorway.) Grissom: Lie about what? (NICK looks up at GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY] (CATHERINE walks toward the building.) [INT. COURT -- DAY] (CATHERINE just walks in through the door and shows her I.D. to the security guard.) Reporter: There he is! Mr. Braun! Reporter: Does this mean your murder case will not be going to trial, Mr. Braun? Reporter: Are you and your Representatives in discussion with the District Attorney's office? (CATHERINE watches as a swarm of reporters gather around SAM BRAUN and his lawyer.) Reporter: Could you elaborate on those discussions? Reporter: Do you feel vindicated by the Judge's decision? Lawyer: My client has no comment at this time. Mr. Braun is looking forward to putting this whole unfortunate business behind him. [SLOW MOTION CAMERA] (As he passes her, SAM BRAUN makes eye contact with CATHERINE.) [RESUME MOTION] Reporter: Mr. Braun, do you have anything to say at all, sir? Reporter: Mr. Braun, could we get a comment? Reporter: Mr. Braun, do you have anything to say at all, sir? (SAM BRAUN and his lawyer walk out of the building. Camera holds on CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY] [INT. TANGIERS HOTEL/CASINO - DAY] (BRASS and GRISSOM interview the RIFKINS, the couple from the teaser.) Mrs. Rifkin: It was first names only. Mandy and ... Cameron? Brass: Where'd you meet them? Mr. Rifkin: Uh, at the roulette tables. We were, uh ... we were drinking and they, uh, invited us back up to their room. It was Vegas. We were looking for a little excitement. (Quick flashback to: Drinks are being poured in the room; MANDY is undressed and kissing MR. RIFKIN. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: And did you find it? Mrs. Rifkin: No, not at all. They ... creeped us out. Brass: How? Mr. Rifkin: He, uh ... he asked me how much I loved my wife. (BRASS looks at MRS. RIFKIN and she nods.) Brass: Is that a crazy question? Mrs. Rifkin: It wasn't the question. It was ... the way he asked it. (Quick flashback to: MANDY with MR. RIFKIN while CAMERON'S with MRS. RIFKIN.) Cameron Klinefeld: How much do you love your wife? (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Mrs. Rifkin: Sobered me right up. I mean, he didn't just ask it once. He asked it ... over and over again, and then Mandy asked how far we'd go to prove it. Brass: Prove what? Mr. Rifkin: To-to prove that. To prove how much I loved my wife. And, uh ... the next thing I know, she's naked. Mrs. Rifkin: Then she starts undoing his belt. Mr. Rifkin: Which is the reason that we went up there in the first place. Mrs. Rifkin: Yeah, but you liked it a lot. (He shrugs.) Mrs. Rifkin: You could've waited. Mr. Rifkin: Yeah. (beat) We argue about everything. And they saw us fighting. And they kicked us out. Grissom: I don't know how fighting works for your marriage, but it probably saved your lives. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM -- DAY] (CATHERINE sits alone on the locker room bench. WARRICK hangs up his shirt. CATHERINE sighs.) Warrick: Need some help with that? Catherine: Help with what? Warrick: That weight on your shoulders. Catherine: That obvious, huh? Warrick: Yeah. What's up? Catherine: (shakes her head a little) Oh ... Sam Braun. Warrick: Mm-hmm. I heard about that. He made his bones in Vegas. I mean, what do you expect? The guy's bulletproof. Catherine: I'm not. (WARRICK sits down.) Warrick: Want to talk about it? Catherine: Sam told me it takes a lifetime to establish a reputation and just a second to ruin it. When I suspected that Sam was my father, I didn't go to him. I didn't go to Grissom. I went to Greg and had him run a DNA test. Warrick: On who? Catherine: On me. Warrick: What'd you use as an exemplar? Catherine: Blood evidence from his case. Warrick: That's why they kicked it. Catherine: Yup. And I'm just afraid. Warrick: Of what? Catherine: (she shakes her head) A backlash. (CATHERINE kicks her locker door shut with her foot.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE FEZ -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM and BRASS walk up to the motel. Lights from police officer cars flash.) Brass: You got a gut feeling on this one? Grissom: Well, if it's our serials, they've downgraded. (BRASS and GRISSOM turns the corner and head into the parking area.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE FEZ] (The door opens and GRISSOM lingers in the doorway taking in the scene. BRASS checks in with the guard at the door. GRISSOM flicks the light switch on, but the light doesn't work. He turns his flashlight on and walks into the room.) (He looks at the woman sitting at the table with her throat slit. He looks at the blood on the table. BRASS walks into the room.) Brass: Well, we've got some I.D. Found her handbag. Wendy Laggerman, aged 24. She's not registered. (GRISSOM notices the wedding ring on her finger.) Grissom: Where's her husband? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE FEZ - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (BRASS and GRISSOM check the parked cars. In one particular car, there's a person behind the wheel. GRISSOM approaches the car carefully. He rounds on the driver's side and wakes up the driver.) Driver: Oh, geez. (Meanwhile, a motel guest walks down the stairs to get some ice from the ice machine. He notices the commotion and rubbernecks.) Brass: What was all that about? (The MOTEL GUEST shovels ice into the bucket while watching BRASS and GRISSOM talk.) Grissom: False alarm. Apparently, the guy just drove in from Fresno. Fell asleep in his car, and didn't even check in yet. So ... (As he shovels ice into the bucket, we notice that with each shovel load, there's blood on the ice. Lots of blood.) (BRASS looks up and around the area.) (Finally, the MOTEL GUEST looks down at what he's doing and sees the blood on the ice ... and the body in the ice machine.) Motel Guest (man): Jeez, help! Oh, man! Oh, god! Brass: Whoa. Hey. Hey, buddy. Motel Guest (man): Geez. Brass: Take it easy. Take it easy. (BRASS and GRISSOM walk over to the ice machine and look at the body inside. GRISSOM glances at BRASS, then takes out a glove to use to open the ice machine hood.) Grissom: This one's different. (shakes his head) Something's not right. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. THE FEZ - PARKING LOT -- DAY] (GRISSOM kneels behind the ice machine and unplugs it. DAVID PHILLIPS looks at the body inside. GRISSOM stands up and instructs DAVID.) Grissom: Okay, be careful, David. The body's frozen, and it's in full rigor. You're going to have to tilt it. David Phillips: Tilt it, sir? Grissom: Yeah. Downward 90-degree angle, then up, tilt, and out. David Phillips: Okay. Uh ... (DAVID waves for the other CORONER to assist him.) David Phillips: All right, man. Um ... I'll take the shoulders, you take the feet. Okay? Coroner: Okay. (They both reach inside the ice machine and get a hold of the body.) David Phillips: You ready? On three. One, two, three, up. And now tilt. (They lift and tilt and can't get the body out of the machine. GRISSOM stands on the side and watches.) David Phillips: Come on. Up. DAVID PHILLIPS: Okay, now tilt. (They try again ... ) David Phillips: Oh, god. Up more, tilt more. Now. DAVID PHILLIPS: Uh, god. (... and again ...) David Phillips: Oh, down, down, put him down. DAVID PHILLIPS: One more time. (... and again ...) David Phillips: Ready, one time. One ... two, three, up. DAVID PHILLIPS: Oh, god. (DAVID shakes his head.) David Phillips: (to GRISSOM) S-sir, we can't get him. Uh, his knee's bent. Grissom: Put him back down carefully. (They put the body down and step aside. GRISSOM walks up to the bin and sighs. He reaches inside and flattens the knee.) Grissom: There. Now try. [SCENE_BREAK] [SHORT TIME LATER] (The CORONERS wheel the body away on a gurney. WARRICK, NICK and SARA carry stacks of buckets to the ice machine.) Warrick: Do we have to do the inventory on all this? Nick: Yeah. What, fifteen buckets? Sara: This is our first bucket brigade together, gentlemen. Try and say that ten times fast. Bucket brigade. Bucket brigade. Bucket brigade. Grissom: (interrupts) We have to do this quickly. It's 120 degrees outside, and our crime scene is melting. (GRISSOM scoops up the ice while the others assist.) (Finally as he nears the bottom of the bin, GRISSOM finds something.) Grissom: Hold on a second. I got something. (He reaches in and picks up the knife.) Warrick: Whoa. Grissom: Would you like to bag this for me, Warrick? My hands are little numb. (WARRICK takes the knife to bag it. GRISSOM leans in and finds a blood print on the ice machine.) Grissom: Sara? Sara: Yeah. Grissom: Would you take a sample of this blood for me? Sara: Sure. (NICK continues to tape up the containers as he watches them.) Grissom: Warrick, help her process this. Nick? Nick: Yeah. Grissom: Come with me. (GRISSOM steps aside. WARRICK watches NICK as he finishes up.) Nick: (quietly) Yeah. (NICK stands up and follows. He looks at WARRICK as he passes him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE FEZ - MOTEL ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The door opens. GRISSOM walks into the room. GRISSOM looks at the crime scene. NICK walks into the room.) Grissom: Shut the door, Nick. Nick: You want to talk? Grissom: No. I want to see the room the way they left it. (NICK turns around and closes the door.) Nick: You know, if it's anything like the Sphere, we're probably not going to find much. Grissom: We're still going to look. (GRISSOM looks around the bedroom. NICK heads to the bathroom. GRISSOM pays close attention to the air conditioner and plugs. NICK checks out the medicine cabinet and toilet.) (GRISSOM checks out the plug and wiring. He sees that there's a Magic Fingers attached to the bed.) Nick: (o.s.) Bathroom's clean. (NICK steps out of the bathroom and sees GRISSOM examining the Magic Fingers.) Nick: Haven't you ever seen one of those before? Grissom: Not in person, no. Nick: Magic Fingers. Twenty-five cents for 15 minutes of vibration. Died a slow death in the '70s due to vandalism and seedy connotations. Good for s*x. Good for sleep ... too. Grissom: Good for us. Given the killer's appetite for sexual persuasion, maybe they blew the circuit. Overloaded it with coins. Nick: And their prints on those coins. [SCENE_BREAK] [LATER] [COINS] (Close up of the quarters being poured out from the Magic Fingers onto a cloth on the bed. CATHERINE photographs the coins while NICK dusts them for prints.) (Several dissolves and cuts between the coins being processed. GRISSOM, CATHERINE and NICK work on the coins.) Catherine: Is that it? We're done? Grissom: I think so. (The lights go back on.) Catherine: Well, power's back on. So, why this place? How do you go from The Sphere to The Fez? (NICK glances from CATHERINE to GRISSOM, then quietly goes back to work. GRISSOM glances at NICK.) Grissom: What do you think, Nick? Nick: A reporter got some inside information. Killer probably heard about himself on the news, changed his mo. Catherine: Oh, great. Help the bad guys. I'm sure the Laggermans appreciate that. (GRISSOM doesn't say anything. He turns to NICK, who swallows and feels pretty bad enough as it is. NICK glances at the coins.) Nick: I should probably get those quarters back to the lab, work on the prints. (GRISSOM hands NICK the envelope of coins. NICK nods, then turns to leave the room. CATHERINE gathers up the rest of the coins and puts them in a package. GRISSOM walks over to the bed and puts a coin in the Magic Fingers.) (The bed starts to vibrate. GRISSOM lies down on the bed. CATHERINE gives him a look. He holds up a hand.) Grissom: I need 15 minutes to think. (CATHERINE puts the coins in her hand in the package.) Catherine: Enjoy. (She leaves the room.) (Camera holds on GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- DAY] (NICK work on lifting prints from the quarters. He scans the print onto the computer. Using the software, he lifts the print from the scan.) (GREG walks into the room.) Greg: Hey. Nick: Hey. Greg: Your spot of blood on the ice machine lid? Nick: Yeah? Greg: We've got three alleles on several loci. Nick: Is it a mixture of more than one stain? Greg: One blood came back the vic's. The other came back unknown. Nick: Oh. (NICK looks at the results.) Nick: Chances are that's our killer. (The computer runs the print through the database.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LGAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. THE FEZ - OUTSIDE THE MOTEL ROOM -- DAY] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE stand just outside the motel room door as they go over the scenario.) Grissom: So they lure their victims with the promise of s*x. (Quick flashback to: The two couples are in the room. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: And then they get them to the room. And they say, "just kidding. We don't want s*x. We want your life." (Quick flashback to: CAMERON puts a knife in the MR. LAGGERMAN's hand and holds it against his wife's neck.) Cameron: It's about trust. How much do you love your wife? (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Which still doesn't explain how they get the husband to kill his wife. Catherine: They had to have been in some kind of situation where they couldn't say no. Grissom: They had a gun to his head. (Quick flashback to: CAMERON holds a gun against the back of the husband's neck.) Cameron: If you want to live, you kill her by your own hands, or you both die. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: They didn't think he was just going to walk away. Grissom: Maybe he was hoping to save his wife from something worse. (Quick flashback to: The husband holds the knife against the wife's neck while CAMERON holds the gun on the back of the husband's neck.) Cameron: Tell me. Do you love your wife enough to spare her the suffering? (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Rape, torture, then murder. (Quick flashback to: The husband holds the knife against the wife's neck while CAMERON holds the gun on the back of the husband's neck. MANDY stands in the back watching.) Cameron: If you want to live, you kill her by your own hand. Or you both die. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: It's just so sick. (GRISSOM looks around, then they both turn and walk over to the ice machine.) Grissom: Why did he stick him in the ice machine? Catherine: Well, I checked with the manager. The vic was not registered. No car. Grissom: So he had to improvise. (Quick flashback to: CAMERON and the husband are out in the parking lot looking for his car.) Cameron: Where's your car? Mr. Laggerman: We took a taxi. Please don't kill me. (They knock him out, put him in the ice machine, then cut his throat.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Well, knowing now there was an odd mixture of blood, it's safe to say that someone cut themselves. Catherine: Someone's got blood on their hands. (Camera holds on the print on the ice machine.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- DAY] (NICK sits in front of the computer as he waits for the print to run through the database. The computer beeps.) (It found a match. NICK gets the DMV license for: NEVADA DRIVER LICENSE 06-22-2001 LIC# 1800599863 EXPIRES: 10-30-2006 SSN: 502-14-345 CLASS: C ENDORSE RESTRICTIONS BIRTHDATE: 10-30-1976 s*x: F HEIGHT 5'05" WEIGHT: 130 EYES: BRN HAIR BLN KLINEFELD, MANDY 11546 BLACKBIRD LANE Nick: (reading) Mandy Klinefeld. 11546 Blackbird Lane. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (NICK rushes through the hallway and bumps into GRISSOM.) Nick: Mandy and Cameron Klinefeld. I just pulled their license photos off the DMV. Brass showed them to the motel manager. Couldn't I.D., so ... APBs are on the horn. (GRISSOM looks at the DMV photo but doesn't say anything.) Nick: Come on, Grissom. It's got to be them. Who stays at a motel when you live here? Grissom: Assume nothing, Nick. (GRISSOM walks out of camera frame.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. HOTEL -- DAY] (The OFFICER leads BRASS and GRISSOM toward the pool area.) Brass: Who found the car? Officer: Green valley ranch security guard, the one that actually bothers to check the APB list. (They stop and look around.) Officer: Let's see, cabana number four. Grissom: There they are. (The men head for the couple.) Brass: Cameron Klinefeld and Mandy Klinefeld? Cameron Klinefeld: (to the other couple) Now that's not the cocktail waitress. Brass: (to the other couple in the cabana) You and you go with this officer, please. Thank you. Thank you. (the couple leaves) You checked into The Fez last night under a false name. We also suspect you of identity theft and felony fraud at The Sphere hotel as well. They don't have the magic fingers bed there, do they? Cameron Klinefeld: We were at The Fez last weekend. (GRISSOM looks around.) Cameron Klinefeld: I got a hooker. She watched. She likes it. It gets her off. What's the problem? Brass: The problem is, people keep showing up dead in your hotel rooms. Mandy Klinefeld: (to GRISSOM) What are you looking at, my feet? Grissom: No. His feet, actually. (Camera close up of a piece of glitter stuck to the bottom of his shoe. GRISSOM reaches out and removes it. He holds it out to show them the glitter. Camera zooms in on the glitter piece from "Shimmer".) Grissom: Shiny. Mandy Klinefeld: Isn't this harassment? (GRISSOM looks over and sees the knife cut on her hand.) Grissom: How much do you love your wife? (CAMERON turns to look at GRISSOM.) Cameron Klinefeld: "Love is not love" Grissom: Shakespeare? Cameron Klinefeld: "Let me not the marriage of true minds..." Grissom: "... admit impediments love is not love ... Cameron Klinefeld: ... but bears it out till the edge of doom." Grissom: One of the sonnets. Love is conditional. Cameron Klinefeld: For most people. Grissom: But not for you. (CAMERON to turns to look at GRISSOM. They smile at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY] [INT. CSI - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY] (GRISSOM and the other CSIs meet around the conference table.) Grissom: Okay, here we go. We've got a husband and wife serial team killing couples. So, let's see where we're at starting with the first double murder. Sara? Sara: Bloody knife linking back to Alice Dominguez. Catherine: We suspect that Mr. Dominguez was forced to kill his wife for the promise of freedom. (Quick flashback to: The scenario where the husband holds the knife against his wife's neck while MANDY KLINEFELD stands nearby urging him on.) Mandy: Come on. Do it. Just cut her throat, and you can walk out of here. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: That explains the thumbprint I found on the exit door leading to the garage. What, they take him for a walk? Sara: They were never going to let him go. (Quick flashback to: MANDY backs out of the motel room as she looks around to see if it's clear. CAMERON and MR. LAGGERMAN follow. They head for the ice machine.) (Cut to: MANDY walks out of the hotel room followed by CAMERON and MR. DOMINGUEZ. Mandy Klinefeld: Open the door. (MR. DOMINGUEZ opens the door leaving his thumb print on the door.) (Camera zooms forward down the stair well. Cut to: They walk up to his car.) Cameron Klinefeld: It's almost over. Mandy Klinefeld: You'll be all right. (MR. DOMINGUEZ opens the car door and gets inside.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Doc Robbins found evidence of glitter on Mrs. Dominguez. Warrick: I also found glitter on Mr. Dominguez. Grissom: I found some on Mr. Klinefeld's shoes, so it's possible the Klinefeld's picked up their first couple at Shimmer. Nick: Did anyone at Shimmer I.D. the Klinefelds? (Quick flashback to their interview with the DANCER.) Dancer: I didn't get a good look at the other two. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: We didn't know who they were at the time. Okay ... that's it for the first murder. What about the second? Nick: Uh, we've got prints on quarters. Sara: We do have an admixture of blood off the ice machine. Grissom: What about prints on the ice machine knife? Warrick: Forget it. Ice destroyed it. Catherine: Okay, so, uh, we're going to have to get into the Klinefelds' house. If they haven't tossed the towels and sheets ... (sighs) ... we may have something. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. COURTROOM -- DAY] (BRASS and GRISSOM stand in front of the CLERK.) Brass: No. Uh, look, there's got to be some mistake. We are this close to busting a pair of serial killers and the Judge won't issue a warrant? Stuart Gardner (court clerk): Hey, I'm just the messenger. Brass: Is he back there? I'm going to talk to him. (He hands the unsigned affidavit to BRASS.) Stuart Gardner (court clerk): He won't sign it. It's not the first time. Sorry. (BRASS and GRISSOM head back to the Judge's offices.) [SCENE_BREAK] [JUDGE SLATER'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS] (JUDGE SLATER looks at the affidavit.) Judge Slater: Look, I have signed hundreds of search warrants for Captain Brass, but ... this affidavit lacks probable cause. Prints on quarters, an admixture of DNA ... Grissom: DNA, if given a warrant, will clear or convict... Judge Slater: ... are not enough for me to invade the Klinefelds' right to privacy. Grissom: Your Honor, with all due respect, you've signed warrants for less. Judge Slater: Yes... and where did it get me? Just last week, the appeals court overturned one of our convictions, based on a search warrant I gave to one of your sidekicks. We make a habit of this, I'm never going to get to the Foley building. Federal appointment. What if they kill again? Judge Slater: (continues) All the more reason we need to get this right. Unappealable. The affidavit is thin. You give me more ... I'll give you more. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB] (NICK is in the lab looking over the video tapes from the bar. CATHERINE walks in from the hallway.) Catherine: Funny, doesn't look like a doghouse. Nick: Grissom ratted me out, huh? Catherine: Um, no, you ratted yourself out. Hey, Nick, I know you're proud of what you do. You're good at what you do, and you want people to know what you do, but once you open your mouth, it's all over 'cause what we say ends up in the news. Nick: I guess I'm learning that the hard way, huh? (They smile at each other.) All right, (he clears his throat), let's take a look. You see, it looks like something got a little bit more interesting than roulette here. Catherine: So, if that's the lure, where's the catch? (NICK fast forwards the video.) Catherine: mm-hmm. Clear drinks. What do you want to bet the Rifkins are drinking vodka and the Klinefelds club soda. Nick: Hmm. Did you see that? That was a little tongue action right there. Catherine: So, if we're creatures of habit ... if she stuck her tongue in Mr. Rifkin's ear, chances are she stuck it in Mr. Dominguez's ear, too. Catherine: Mr. Dominguez has already been autopsied. Washed from head-to-toe. Nick: What about the ice man? Catherine: (softly) Coroners. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (DAVID PHILLIPS washes the body of the second victim. The phone rings in the background, but he can't hear it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [CSI -- HALLWAY] (CATHERINE'S on the phone as she and NICK rush to get to the body.) Catherine: He's not picking up. [DAVID PHILLIPS] (DAVID continues to wash the body. He's still on the legs. The phone rings in the background.) [SCENE_BREAK] [HALLWAY OUTSIDE FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (The door bursts open. CATHERINE and NICK rush into the hallway where they see DR. ROBBINS walking.) Catherine: Oh, hey, doc. Doc. Where's the ice man? Robbins: (points) Uh, David's cleaning him up. (They tear and head into the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (CATHERINE and NICK burst into the room.) Nick: David ... whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Catherine: Drop the hose. (DAVID drops the hose.) David Phillips: What did I do? Catherine: Did you go from head to toe or head to toe? David Phillips: Toe to head. Nick: Good. Good answer. (DAVID smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [SHORT TIME LATER] (CATHERINE and NICK take a swab of the inside of MR. LAGGERMAN'S ear.) (Quick CGI POV of the swab inside the ear getting the sample. End of quick CGI POV. Resume to present.) (They each cap their swabs.) (NICK holds out his swab to CATHERINE who holds out her swab to NICK.) Catherine: You run with it. (Appreciative, NICK takes the swab and heads out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (NICK paces the floor as he waits for the results. GRISSOM stands on the side and looks at his watch.) Grissom: We get it yet? Nick: Any minute now. (The printer prints the results. GREG looks at it.) Greg: Here it is. Affirmative for female DNA. Grissom: Where are the admixture results from the ice machine? Greg: Right here. (GREG shows GRISSOM the results.) Greg: This is the same woman. Nick: Whoever was in his ear was on that ice machine. She's the killer. (Quick flashback to: FRED LAGGERMAN begs for his life.) Fred Laggerman: Please, let me go. Please, let me go. (CAMERON KLINEFELD smashes his head against the door. He steps aside and MANDY slices his throat and cuts her finger in the process.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: This should get us a warrant. (NICK nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. KLINEFELD RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (The police officer cars pull up to the curb and park. BRASS, GRISSOM and other officers exit their cars.) (BRASS motions to the other OFFICERS.) Brass: Okay, split up. Go around the back. (He and GRISSOM walks up the front door. They notice the front door is slightly open. BRASS rings the doorbell. There's no answer.) (BRASS pushes the front door open and stands in the doorway.) Brass: Las Vegas police. Mr. and Mrs. Klinefeld, we have a warrant. (They walk into he house and look around. (The television set is on in one of the rooms.) (BRASS walks into the house and finds MANDY KLINEFELD dead, face down on the floor.) Brass: We got a problem ... (GRISSOM looks around and finds CAMERON KLINEFELD dead.) Brass: Somebody got to our killers before we did. (Camera goes from GRISSOM to MANDY KLINEFELD to BRASS. BRASS lifts his flashlight directly into the camera.) FADE TO WHITE.

Plan: A: Two couples; Q: How many couples are in the bar? A: a bar; Q: Where do two couples meet? A: a second couple; Q: Who is murdered after the first couple? A: the team; Q: Who suspects a pair of serial killers are on the loose? A: The case; Q: What is complicated by leaks to the press and a judge reluctant to issue a warrant? A: Catherine; Q: Who gets troubling news about her father's murder trial? Summary: Two couples meet in a bar and one of the couples is murdered. When a second couple is murdered in a similar fashion the team suspects a pair of serial killers are on the loose. The case is complicated by leaks to the press and a judge reluctant to issue a warrant. Catherine gets some troubling news about her father's murder trial.

[title card: Los Angeles, California - 1979] [A party by a pool. Disco music plays. Several people are milling around, some are dancing. Waitresses in skimpy outfits serve drinks to people. A couple of people are snorting cocaine. A guy sits on the couch, smoking pot.] Cheering Guy #1: Check it out. Cheering Guy #1/#2: Oh yeah! Oh baby! Yeah! Cheering Guy #1: Please! Please! [A couple of topless women in the pool swim to each other. Several men sitting around by the pool gather around, shouting for them to kiss and make out.] Cheering Guy #1: The more the merrier! Cheering Guy #2: Yeah, all the way, yeah! [A third woman approaches the female couple in the pool. The men get excited and start shouting louder for the women to do something.] [main titles] EXT. - THE PLANET - EARLY MORNING [It's still dark outside. Bette and Tina are walking to The Planet.] Bette: I was thinking about asking Yolanda's ex-girlfriend to bid on the "Provocations" job. Tina: Is she a contractor? Bette: Carpenter. She's got an all-woman crew. Tina: That's cool. You should definitely hire her. INT. - THE PLANET - EARLY MORNING [Bette and Tina enter The Planet. The gang's all there. Marina's behind the counter, making coffee. Shane's at the counter, pouring coffee. Alice and her mom, Lenore, are sitting at a table nearby.] Tina: Hi! Shane: Hey! Alice: Oh, hey guys! Bette: Hi! [Tina stands next to Shane at the counter.] Tina: (to Marina) Hello. Marina: Hello! Alice: (to Bette) Good morning! [Dana and Kit are sitting on a couch. Dana's cat, Mr. Piddles, is in a travel crate on the coffee table.] Mr. Piddles: Meow! Dana: (to Kit) The most important thing are his pills. He gets them, um, three times a day - it's right here. [Dana flips open a long list of instructions and points out to Kit the part about the pills.] Dana: See, (reading) "three times a day with wet food," and um... and it's best to sort of let him wake up on his own because he's... Mr. Piddles: Meow! Dana: ... less crabby about taking them that way. (looks at crate) But he should... he should be okay. (to Mr. Piddles) Right, P? [Dana pokes at the travel crate. Kit leans forward to see the cat.] Dana: (silly voice) Right Mr. P? [Shane, at the counter, hands Bette and Tina some coffee.] Shane: Wow, you are up so early, Bette. Bette: Yeah, well, I guess it's just the excitement of the trip! Tina: That she's too busy to go on. Bette: (hugging Tina) Yeah, but someone's ready to party for the both of us. Shane: That's right. Right on, huh? Tina: Yeah, let's go. [Shane and Tina high-five each other.] Shane: Yes. Mr. Piddles: Meow! Shane: (to Alice) Um... was Jenny's a regular latte? Mr. Piddles: Meow! Marina: Is Jenny going with you? [Bette squeezes Tina's shoulder and goes to sit down.] Tina: (to Marina) I invited her. I felt bad for her. She's all alone. Marina: (smiling) Well that's good. I guess. [Dana has Mr. Piddles out of his crate. She's scratching his neck.] Dana: (to Mr. Piddles) (silly voice) Say bye, everybody! I'm gonna stay with Auntie Kit while mom goes away with all of her friends. Right? Say bye Shane... Mr. Piddles: Meow! Dana: (to Mr. Piddles) (silly voice) ... bye Lenore, bye Bette and Tina, have fun in Palm Springs! [Dana waves Mr. Piddles paws at everyone.] Kit: Yes, Mr. P, Auntie Kit will watch your back. [Dana scratches Mr. Piddles' neck.] Dana: Thank you so much, Kit. [Alice comes running in from the bathroom, up to her mother.] Alice: Woohoo, congratulate me, I got my period. Lenore: Oh! [Lenore and Alice hug.] Bette: So why are we congratulating you? Alice: (smiling) Hm? [Shane looks at Dana. Alice looks at Dana. Dana frowns.] Alice: 'Cause I love getting my period. Lenore: She does! Ever since she was a - kid. Alice: Right! No, no, no, 'cause it reaffirms my womanhood. I - like to celebrate it, to... you know... show women everywhere it's a blessing, it's not a curse. (smiling) 'Kay! You guys. (waves arm) Road trip? Let's go! [Alice heads out.] Shane: See ya, Kit. [Kit waves.] Shane: Bye, Bette. [Bette and Tina kiss and hug.] Tina: I'll call ya. Bette: Have a slippery nipple for me. Mr. Piddles: Meow! [Dana gives Mr. Piddles to Kit and gets up to go.] Dana: Goodbye P Man. Kit: Bye mommy! Dana: Goodbye P Man! Kit: Bye! [Everyone piles out to the car. Bette watches everyone go.] Lenore: (to Bette) By the way. You were amazing on Insight with George Parson, I mean absolutely amazing. I really applaud your cause and your commitment and... (sighs) God, that bitch, Fae Buckley, you should've decked her! Bette: (smiling) Thank you. Lenore: (laughing) It was great. [Lenore leaves. Kit pets Mr. Piddles. Bette looks down and sighs.] EXT. - HIGHWAY - EARLY MORNING [The sun is just barely beginning to hint at rising. Cars on both sides of the highway whoosh by.] INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - EARLY MORNING [Alice is driving. Lenore is in the passenger seat. Jenny and Dana sit in the middle seat, and Tina and Shane sit in the very back. Everyone's half-sleeping and sipping on coffee.] Jenny: (to Alice) So, is this a golf tournament? Alice: Yeah, it's the Kraft-Nabisco Professional Women's Golf Tournament. Otherwise known as the Dinah Shore Weekend. Jenny: Is she gay? Alice: No. Dinah Shore's dead. She died back in '94. And, actually, the word is that she hated her snooty little golf tournament turned into a spring break for lesbians. Refused to acknowledge it. (to group) You guys, there's supposed to be, like, 10,000 women there. [Jenny gasps.] Tina: Whoa. Shane: Oh, god. Tina: (smiling) She's done research. Alice: Yeah, I'm doing a story on it for The Weekly. Gotta make something outta this lame-ass weekend, right? Tina: And Dana's getting an HRC award. Alice: Yeah. We're totally proud of her. Jenny: What's that? [Dana smiles.] Tina: It's the Human Rights Campaign. It's the biggest gay civil rights organization in the country. It's a huge deal. Jenny: Congratulations. Dana: Thank you. [Later...] [The group is singing the Indigo Girls "Closer to Fine".] Everyone: (singing way off-key) "I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains, there's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line..." Alice: (deep) Yeah! [Everyone kind of botches the next line.] Everyone: (singing) "The less I seek my source for some definitive..." [Everyone giggles.] Everyone: (singing) "The closer I am to fiii-iiine, yeah!" [Everyone giggles. Lenore closes her eyes.] [Much later...] [The sky is lit up with a beautiful sunrise. And the gang is still on the highway, still singing "Closer to Fine."] Everyone: (singing) "The closer i am to fiii-iiine, yeah!" [Lenore is a little worn-out from listening to the repetitive singing. She turns to the group in the backseat. Everyone starts whistling the the song, also botching that.] Everyone: (whistling the whistle solo of "Closer to Fine") [The whistling fades, and everyone's pretty much done singing the song. Lenore huffs in relief.] Lenore: Thank god! (to group) Do you know how many times I had to hear that song when Alice was first coming out of the closet? (to Alice) It was a nightmare. It was all about Annie Flaherty. (laughs) Tell them your coming out story, honey. It's so hilarious! Alice: First of all, it's not my coming out story. It was just a drunk high school grope. Tina: Tell us your coming out story. Lenore: Well, they got hammered, the two of them. And then they scampered under the bleachers (laughing) for a smoke, which of course she was not allowed to do. (laughing) And... just as they were about to kiss... [Lenore laughs. Alice looks at her.] Lenore: (laughing) Annie vomited all over Alice! Everyone: (laughing) Ohh! Alice: Now, my real coming out story? That happened in college. My boyfriend Greg and I had this band called Butter. And we played every weekend at The Tap Room ... FLASH BACK - INT. - THE TAP ROOM Alice: (voice over) ... which was like our little bar on campus. [A college-aged Alice, with long, dark, messy hair, struts out onto a stage where her band is set up. The small audience cheers. Young Alice shouts into the mic as she heads for her guitar.] Young Alice: (mic) Butter rules! [The audience cheers. Alice picks up her guitar. The lead singer, Greg, shouts something into the mic and the band begins to play.] Alice: (voice over) It was three guys and me. And, I don't know, I wasn't that into it, but, Greg thought we could go all the way. [Young Alice and Greg and their drummer Dave are jamming, until they notice that they have no bassist. The stop.] Audience: Aww! Greg: Hey. Where's Brad? Young Alice: Where the f*ck is Brad? Alice: (voice over) But anyway, our bass player quits one day, right? [Later...] [The bar is now mostly empty. Greg, Dave and Young Alice have a small table near the stage. They're pigging out on beer, burgers and cigarettes. They're auditioning bassists, none of which look too interesting.] Alice: (voice over) So we had three days to find a new one. So, we hold these auditions, and all these guys come and they couldn't play bass to save their lives. [The Tap Room waiter brings the group burgers and a pitcher of beer.] Greg: Get your feet off the table! [Greg smacks Young Alice's feet away. She puts her feet down and leers at him.] Greg: Show some respect. [Later...] [A new bassist is auditioning. Young Alice sits in Greg's lap, goofing off, occasionally looking over at the auditioning bassists.] [Later...] [Another auditioner. Dave is lighting a cigarette.] Young Alice: (yelling) Dave, give me my last f*cking cigarette! [The waiter brings another pitcher of beer. Greg snatches the cigarette out of Dave's mouth.] Young Alice: (to Dave) Cock! [Young Alice snatches the cigarette from Greg.] [Later...] [Another auditioner. Young Alice straddles Greg's lap, goofing off again. She looks back at the bassist.] [The bassist plays unspectacularly. Alice sticks her tongue out and blows a raspberry at him, loudly.] Alice: (voice over) And then? Tayo walks on stage. [A young girl, Tayo, auditions. She plays slowly, smiling at Young Alice.] [Young Alice is sitting in Greg's lap again, but the sound of the bass distracts her. She looks over and is captivated by Tayo.] Young Alice: (to Greg) Don't f*cking touch me! God! [Young Alice pushes Greg's hands off her and leans forward to watch Tayo more closely. Tayo plays smoothly and confidently, smiling at Young Alice. Young Alice is totally smitten.] INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY Alice: We're famous in our little college universe. I mean, people are coming just to see us. FLASH BACK - INT. - THE TAP ROOM [Butter is jamming in front of a large crowd. The lights wash the stage in blue, red, yellow. Young Alice, on guitar, faces Tayo, on bass. They play as the crowd cheers. They get closer.] Alice: (voice over) And me and Tayo? (chuckles) We had amazing chemistry on stage. [Young Alice and Tayo suddenly start kissing. The crowd goes wild. Greg stands by, watching, kind of curious. Dave bangs on the drums. Men and women in the audience are howling and cheering.] [Young Alice finally realizes they're in front of a large crowd. She and Tayo stop kissing. Tayo smiles. Young Alice seems to be embarrassed, but then she looks out to the crowd and gives a big "I rule" grin. The band starts to jam again and the crowd goes wild.] INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY [The gang is snacking on soft drinks, burgers and fries from Burger King. Tina is driving now. Jenny sits in the passenger seat. Alice and her mom are in the middle, and Shane and Dana are in the back.] Alice: Tayo and I only lasted about 2 months. After me, she went through every gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered organization on campus. Totally broke my heart. Dana: That's why you're a dirty bisexual, huh? [Alice looks back at Dana. Dana sips her drink.] Alice: Let's hear your story. Dana: Oh, that's not nice, you know I can't do that. Jenny: Why? Lenore: It's probably fresh wounds. Alice: It was 12 years ago, mom. Dana: God, she was beautiful. [Dana stares out the window at the passing scenery. Shane looks at her.] Dana: It was at tennis camp. I was 16, she was 17. FLASH BACK - INT. - TENNIS CAMP - DORMS - DAY [The girl in question comes up the stairs to the dorms. We only see her legs.] Ralph: Everybody, out on the courts, c'mon! Dana: (voice over) She was my counselor. I'd tell you her name, but she's famous now, so... [The camera pans up. The counselor faces away from the camera so we can't see her face.] Dana: (voice over) I can't. I'll just call her Ralph. [Everyone but Dana leaves. The counselor approaches her. Dana looks nervous.] Ralph: Aren't you ready, yet? INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY Dana: God, she had the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen. FLASH BACK - INT. - TENNIS CAMP - DORMS - DAY [Ralph's face is pixilated out so that we can't see it. She and Dana start to kiss.] Dana: I love you Stephanie. [There's a beep when Dana says "Stephanie", so that we don't hear the name.] Ralph: I love you more. [They smile and kiss.] INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY Tina: What happened next? Dana: She needed to tell somebody about it, right, so she wrote her best friend at home and told her about us and how in love we were, and uh, her friend told her parents. Her parents yanked her out of tennis camp like that. (snaps fingers) FLASH BACK - INT. - TENNIS CAMP - DORMS - DAY [Ralph's parents escort her down the stairs, bags in hand, out of the dorm. Dana stands helpless at the top of the stairs, watching them go.] Mother: (to Ralph) C'mon, c'mon. Father: (to Mother) Honey, we'll talk it over. Mother: (to Father) I don't know about it right now. Just go, please. [Dana waves to Ralph. Ralph looks up at Dana, unable to wave back. Ralph's parents glare at Dana before they walk out of sight. Dana backs away from the stairs and just stands there, alone.] INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY [Dana thoughtfully reflects on the distant memory.] Dana: After that, I ran into her at a few matches, and... she wouldn't even look at me. So anyway, that's it. Lenore: Tennis players are like girls in college: gay until graduation. [Everyone chuckles.] INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY [Someone knocks at Bette's door. It's James. He opens the door.] James: Hey, I'm sorry to bother you - Bette: James? You don't have to say you're sorry every time you have something to tell me. James: Oh, I'm sorry - um - a Candace Jewell's here to see you. Bette: Um... can you tell her I'll meet her in the conference room? James: Okay. [James closes the door.] [Bette closes her laptop and sighs, then gathers up some plans and heads out.] INT. - THE C.A.C. - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY [Candace stands next to Bette as Bette points out the building plans which she's laid out on the table.] Bette: So, I think we'll dedicate this gallery to two artists: Isabella Pernao, who does these amazing large-screen video installations, who I think should be on this wall; and Ray Fields' work should be on the other wall. He does, uh, hand-drawn, lettered books, so we're gonna need to construct some display cases for those. [Bette brushes her own hair from her face. She leans back so Candace can get a closer look at the plans, or so she can look at Candace a little better.] Candace: It's just like theater-set construction. Bette: Is that a good thing? Candace: Well, I did it in college. I loved it. Bette: Oh. [Candace leans over to look at the plans. She points to them as she speaks.] Candace: Look. Uh, what if, instead of wall-mounting, we were to construct some free-standing scaffolding here? [Bette glances over Candace's shoulders and arms but quickly looks away, up at the ceiling.] Candace: You know, work something like shoji screens? I think it would really make the space more dynamic for displaying the work. [Bette smiles at Candace, impressed.] Bette: (smiling) Hm. Well, how long would it take you to get me a bid? Candace: I don't know. Today? Bette: (smiling) That would be great. Candace: (smiling) Okay. INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY [The minivan passes a highway sign that says it's 8 miles to Beaumont, 36 miles to Palm Springs and 57 miles to Indio.] Lenore: Okay, then. My coming out story also involves someone famous. [Jenny looks at Tina, shocked.] Jenny: (mouthing the words) Is she gay? Tina: (mouthing the words) (shaking head) No. [Jenny smiles.] Lenore: It was the 70s... and every weekend, I went to one of these parties at (makes air quotes) the mansion... [Alice gives a look to Dana and Shane who're sitting behind her.] Lenore: ... which of course was full of swingers and orgies and drugs. EXT. - POOL PARTY - NIGHT [We're back at the party from the opening sequence. A man is snorting a couple of lines of cocaine off a glass-top table.] Lenore: (voice over) As I'm sure you girls know. INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY [Shane and Dana smile at each other as Lenore continues.] Lenore: So, one night, there was an ex of mine that I hadn't seen in years and he was sitting right there in the living room. And all I could think of to say to him was (chuckles), "I thought I told you to wait in the car?" [Dana and Shane chuckle.] Alice: Mom, that is straight out of Tallulah Bankhead's biography. Lenore: That doesn't mean that I didn't say it. [Alice shakes her head.] Lenore: Anyway. Where was I. Hmm, the pool! Well, I don't want to be indiscreet here, but there was an incident in a pool with two girls... and um... I mean... EXT. - POOL PARTY - NIGHT Lenore: (voice over) These girls were real knockouts. I mean, most of the girls that went to those parties were knockouts, but... [The two women from the opening sequence now approach Lenore, who's sitting against the wall in the pool, near the throngs of men who've gathered around the cheer the women on. Lenore smiles at them as they approach.] Lenore: (voice over) ... they were giving each other a tonsil inspection that would've made a doctor blush. So I decided, what they hey! And joined in. (laughs) What can I say? [But instead of going for Lenore, as Lenore tells it, the girls reach over her and take a joint from one of the guys by the pool, and swim off. Lenore smiles, and the guys clear out.] Lenore: (voice over) One thing led to another... INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY [Lenore stares out the window.] Lenore: It was hot. [Alice crinkles her brow at her mother. Shane laughs. Lenore sips on her drink.] Alice: Okay, Shane, do you wanna share your story? Shane: (clears throat) Yeah, um... that's easy. Tiffany Gardner. She was this gorgeous blonde who lived down the street. FLASH BACK - EXT. - A PARK - DAY Shane: (voice over) And I used to sit for hours and watch her play in the park. [A few kids are playing in a park. The camera scans around until we see a girl, about 8 years old, sitting on a bench. This is Shane.] Shane: (voice over) And then one day, I thought, "You know what? f*ck this. Enough's enough. I'm gonna meet this chick." [Young Shane gets up, gathers up her Sunshine Meal, and walks over to the sandbox.] Shane: (voice over) So. I pack up my Sunshine Meal and I walk over to her, and she's just sitting the in the sand, playing hard to get. And I knew I was f*cked. [Tiffany Gardner, about the same age, sits in the sandbox by herself, making dirt pies. Shane kneels next to her and hands her the toy that was in her Sunshine Meal. The girl takes it and looks at it.] Shane: (voice over) That girl took my Sunshine Meal toy. Then she took my heart. INT. - MINIVAN - DAY [The minivan pulls to a stop in front of a condo.] Alice: Okay! Perfect timing. Here we are. [Alice whips open one of the side-doors on the minivan and hops out.] Alice: Um, Jenny, will you open the door for my mom? Lenore: (to Shane) That reminds me of this beautiful but tragic lesbian who once passed out on my kitchen floor. And I'll never forget, John Cassavetes and Gena Rowlands had come for lunch that day and of course they had had a couple of drinks, as had I, and just as they walk in the kitchen (chuckles) she wakes up, and the - Alice: Mom! I think your phone's ringing! [The phone in Lenore's condo is heard ringing.] Lenore: Oh, let me just finish my story. So she wakes up, just at that moment - [The phone rings.] Alice: Uh, maybe it's your new agent? Lenore: Oh, my god, you're right! [Lenore jumps out of the minivan and runs inside.] Tina: Bye Lenore! Alice: (whispering) Thank god, you guys! Dana: Bye Lenore! Jenny: Bye, Lenore... [Alice signals Dana to get out and help her.] Alice: You know what? Dana, help me. Dana: What? Alice: Just help me! [Dana gets out of the minivan. Alice thrusts one of Lenore's bags into her hand.] Alice: Just help grab a bag! Dana: I can get that one. Just - Alice: Grab a bag! Dana: I can get it! [Alice takes off for Lenore's front door.] Alice: C'mon! [Alice and Dana jog up to Lenore's front door, drop the bags, and run back to the minivan.] Alice: (yelling to Lenore) Mom, I left the, uh, bags on the porch! (to Jenny) Get in, get in the car! Go! Dana: Bye Lenore! [Jenny, Alice and Dana jump into the minivan and close the doors.] Alice: (to Tina) Go, go, go, go, go! [Tina takes off. Everyone laughs at Alice.] Alice: Oh, my god, am I going to hell for that? Allright, thank you guys, your asses were in this van so fast. C'mon. [Everyone laughs at Alice again.] Shane: Poor Lenore. [Alice's cell phone rings. She answers it.] Alice: f*ck. (phone) Hello? No, M - Hi, no! (listening) No, no, no, of course not! No, it's just - we didn't know how long you were gonna be, and Dana has gotta uh - uh, register for the event. [Dana chuckles and rolls her eyes at Alice.] [The minivan is on the main highway through town now.] Alice: (phone) So, yeah. (listening) Okay, yeah, of course! Of course! I will! Okay, I'll talk to you soon. Okay, bye. (hangs up) She was making us crazy, right? I mean... (to Dana) Right? Dana: Yeah! EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - DAY [The minivan pulls up in front of a hotel.] INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY [Jenny, Dana, Shane, Tina and Alice walk into the hotel lobby, each laden with baggage. The hotel lobby is filled with women of every kind, many of them also carrying or towing assorted pieces of baggage. Everyone is walking around, talking, visiting, meeting each other.] [Olivia Cruises has a booth, off to the right side of the room. Women are gathered around it, picking up brochures.] [It's the promised land. Alice looks around in awe, then raises a camera and snaps a photo of the crowd.] [A woman in a blazer and wielding a clipboard - Tonya - calls out from nearby. She dashes over to Dana and the others.] Tonya: Dana? Dana Fairbanks. [Tonya grins widely and shakes Dana's hand quickly. Dana smiles at her.] Tonya: (smiling) I'm Tonya, Guest Liaison, I'm here to take care of all your needs. Dana: (smiling) Oh! [Tonya quickly goes to take the bag Dana's carrying off her shoulder.] Tonya: Let me get this for ya. [Tonya smiles at Dana and takes the bag off Dana's shoulder and calls out to someone nearby.] Tonya: Excuse me! This is Dana Fairbanks, okay? I need someone to take her stuff to her room, Suite 251. [Tonya sets the bags down for someone off-camera. She then takes Dana's arm and is about to walk off with her.] Tonya: So, are you alone? Dana: Uh, no, I'm with friends. (points) [Everyone smiles. Tina waves.] Tonya: Did you want to bring them to the dinner? I'm sure I can get them tickets. I need you in a photoshoot in about an hour, but I just need to make a few calls - Tina: (smiling) Uh, we'll be fine. Alice: Yeah, we don't wanna cramp Dana's style. Tonya: Oh! Okay! [Tonya puts her arm in Dana's and walks off with her.] Tonya: So glad to have you here, I'm gonna have to protect you from some of the staff! (laughs) [Alice and Tina share a knowing glance. The group follows Tonya and Dana from a distance. Dana smiles huge.] Tonya: Seriously, though. I am here to act as a buffer between you and your fans, okay, that is part of my job. [Dana grins from ear to ear.] Dana: (nodding) Okay. [Tonya lets go of Dana's arm and faces her.] Tonya: Now. Uh, I'm gonna give you the key to your room. [Tonya hands her the keycard for her room.] Dana: Thanks. Tonya: And here's my card. I'm going to give you my cell phone number and I want you to use it if you need anything at all. [Tonya takes out a business card and puts it on her clipboard. She writes on it.] Dana: Okay. [The others watch. Tina and Alice raises their brows at each other, smiling. Shane watches with a quiet curiosity. Jenny looks completely out of it.] Tonya: I'm talking about a second opinion on what kind of shoes to wear. You just call me? Okay? Dana: (chuckling) Okay. Tonya: And I'll see ya in an hour. Dana: (smiling) Okay! Tonya: Okay. Dana: Thanks! Tonya: Bye ladies. [Dana has a big, goofy grin on her face.] Dana: Bye! Tina: Buh-bye. [Dana grins at Tina.] Tina: Wow. [Alice steps forward and watches Tonya walk off.] Alice: Does that thing come with batteries, Dana? Dana: Huh? [Alice holds up her camera and snaps a shot and walks off. Tina and the gang follow her.] EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY [Dance music is heard. The pool and everything around the pool is crawling with women.] EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SUITE 251 - BALCONY - DAY [The gang is standing out on the balcony, which overlooks the massive pool and the huge party going on down there.] Jenny: Oh, my god. I have never seen so many women in one place in my whole life. Alice: And everyone one of 'em is greased up and ready to go. Tina: We should go down there, you guys. [Around the pool, the party rages. Women of every kind, many wearing bathing suits, are swimming, dancing, visiting, walking around, talking, laughing, having a great time.] INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SUITE 251 - DAY [Dana is checking her hair in the bathroom mirror. She's dressed up in a white suit. She comes into the main area.] Dana: Guys? Guys? [Everyone is out on the balcony, girl-watching. They turn around to see what Dana wants.] Dana: Is this suit too conservative? I brought a dress. Tell me what you think. [Dana picks up a tan and white dress off the bed and holds it up. Alice gives a disapproving look. Dana frowns.] Tina: The suit's great. Dana: Thanks. [Someone knocks on the door. Alice goes to answer it. It's Tonya.] Tonya: Hi. Is Dana here? Alice: (laughing) Uh-huh. Yeah. [Dana approaches Tonya.] Tonya: Wow, you look phenomenal. But I bet you would in anything that you wear. [Dana smiles. Alice doesn't. Tonya hands something to Alice.] Tonya: Um, here's some passes to some of the events, and a chance to win an Olivia cruise. Alice: (smiling) Thanks Tonya. [Alice turns around and goes to sit on the bed with Shane and Tina.] Tonya: So, um, are you ready to go? Dana: Uh-huh! Tonya: Excellent. Well, I've got my work cut out for me with you! [Dana laughs.] Tonya: People are gonna be all over you tonight. [Tonya opens the door to leave.] Tonya: (to Shane/Alice/Tina) Bye girls! [Tina waves.] Alice: Oh, yeah! Thank you! Shane: Bye, have fun. Thank you again! [Dana smiles at the group as she walks out.] Dana: Bye... [Tonya and Dana leave.] Alice: Thank you. [Tina holds her hand out for one of the passes that Tonya gave Alice.] Tina: What's this? [Alice hands the pass to Tina.] INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY [Bette's office door is open. Candace knocks on it and enters.] Bette: Oh. Candace: I have your estimate for you. [Candace hands Bette a notebook. Bette looks at it for a moment, then smiles and laughs.] Bette: Okay. Um... this is 50 dollars more than the highest bidder. [Candace smiles and reaches for the notebook.] Candace: May I? [She starts to write on a page.] Candace: Have you ever seen this? [She hands the notebook back to Bette. On a page, she's drawn a triangle. On each side of the triangle, she's written a word: Fast, Good and Cheap.] Candace: There are three sides to the triangle, see? [Candace sits down in a chair in front of Bette's desk.] Bette: Fast, good, cheap. Candace: Yeah. You can have any two of the three in combination, but you can never have all three together. Bette: Of course you can. I mean, if you have enough money - (looks at triangle) Oh. Right, then it wouldn't be cheap. Okay. Candace: You can have fast and good. But that takes a big crew of skilled, highly-paid workers. Bette: And I can have fast and cheap, but then the end product would probably look like sh1t. Candace: You can have cheap and good. Bette: (smiling) That's the one I want. Candace: (a beat) But you'll probably be bumping up against that carpenter for the better part of a year. [Bette and Candace stare at each other for a moment. Finally, Bette breaks the moment and looks down.] Bette: (chuckling) Um. Uh. Okay. Candace: Are you here for a little while longer? [Bette looks up at her.] Candace: Because I love that Cuban place up the street from here. I could pick us up some takeout if you want. I'll draw you some rough sketches of what I'm thinking while we eat. [Bette stares intently at her while she speaks, then nods.] Bette: Okay. Candace: Good. I'll put the order in. You look at that while I'm gone. [Candace leaves. Bette smiles and watches her go, then looks back at the drawing of the triangle.] [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY [The pool party continues to rage. There are women everywhere, doing everything. Some are in the pool, sitting on rafts, some are swimming, some are flirting, some are girl-watching. Others lounge by the side of the pool sipping on drinks, watching the crowds go by. Some are dancing, some are walking around. Loud rock music plays.] [The gang is out, walking through the crowds gathered around the pool. They pass several beer and soft drink stands, and stop to pick up free Jell-O shooters from a waitress in a bathing suit.] Tina: Alice! Who knew? Alice: I'm thinkin' not Dinah Shore. Shane: (to Jenny) Can I have one? [Jenny gives Alice one. The group approaches a table selling t-shirts.] Shane: Oh, wait, Al... Alice: What? [Shane picks up a tank top with the words "Lesbian Wanted" printed across the breast. She shows it to Alice, who's too engrossed in her shooter to really look.] Shane: What about you, Jenny? Jenny: Um, maybe if I had a few more of these shots. Shane: Oh, wait, hold on, hold on. [Shane puts down the "Lesbian Wanted" t-shirt and picks up a t-shirt that says "She's My Bitch" printed across the breast.] Shane: (to Tina) Present for Bette. [Shane waves the t-shirt around in front of Tina. Tina giggles.] Tina: Oh, my god. That's good. What, should I call her and... [Tina takes the t-shirt and holds it up to herself.] Tina: ... ask her if I should wear one of these t-shirts while I'm here? Shane: Oh. Absolutely. Make it a surprise. [Tina laughs.] INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY [Candace and Bette are sitting next to each other on the couch, eating takeout from the Cuban place Candace mentioned earlier.] Candace: We just fought all the time. (laughs) But you know how Yolanda is. Bette: Mm-hmm. Candace: She isn't happy unless she's ranting about something. You know. She can't abide you if you disagree with her. [Bette chuckles.] Candace: She won't respect you if you don't you challenge her. [Bette and Candace chuckle.] Bette: That is so true. Candace: (chuckling) Right. Bette: You know, she should've stayed in therapy. Candace: (chuckling) Yeah. [Bette's phone buzzes.] Bette: Excuse me. [Bette picks up the phone and looks at it.] Bette: Will you excuse me for a second? [Candace nods. Bette gets up and steps outside her office and answers the phone.] Bette: (phone) Hey. Tina: (phone) Hi! Oh my god! EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY [Music blasts nearby. Tina is yelling into the phone. She has a finger jammed in her other ear to block out some of the noise.] Tina: (phone) This is insane! I wish you could see it. It's totally crazy. [Alice, Shane and Jenny walk by.] Tina: (phone) Say hi to the girls! [Tina holds the cell phone out for them to yell Hi to Bette.] Alice: Hey! Shane: Hey Bette! [Tina puts the phone back to her ear, laughing.] Tina: (phone) See? INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY Tina: (phone) Everybody misses you. [Candace watches Bette.] Bette: (phone) (smiling) I'm glad you're having fun, baby, you deserve it. I'm just here having some food with Candace. She's still taking some measurements. Tina: (phone) What, babe? It's so loud here! EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY Tina: (phone) I can't hear you! Uh, you still at work? You know what, you should try to get some rest before the artists get there! You always do that - INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY Bette: (phone) Ye - I'll try. Ti - can you hear me? EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY Tina: (phone) What, babe?! INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY Bette: (phone) Hello? Tina: (phone) Uh, baby, it's breaking up. EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY Tina: (phone) I can't hear you. Look, I'm gonna call you back later! Bye! [Tina hangs up.] INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY [Bette hangs up and sighs before heading back in. She sits back down next to Candace.] Candace: Is everything okay? I heard some of the artwork is being held up at Customs. Bette: No. Nothing like that. [Bette sets down her cell phone and picks up her food.] Bette: Was my girlfriend. [Candace looks a little crushed.] Candace: Oh. I didn't know you had one. Bette: Why would you? EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY [The party rages. Shane, Alice and Jenny are at a table. Tina walks up with a Margarita in hand, and sits down.] Tina: Well, at least I can have a drink now. [Shane clinks her plastic cup to Tina's.] Shane: Cheers. Alice: (pointing) Allright, look. Right there. [Everyone looks over to where Alice is pointing.] Alice: (pointing) See? [A couple of butch lesbians walk by, hand in hand.] Alice: That's what I call a hundred footer. Jenny: What's that? Tina: It means you can tell she's a lesbian from a hundred feet away. Alice: Is it her hair? Is it her jog bra? Is it her mandles? I don't know! [Everyone laughs.] Tina: Great. Alice: I can tell she's a lesbo from across a football field. [Jenny jumps up from her chair and stands a few feet away.] Jenny: You guys. What am I? Alice: (laughing) No, you're in transition! It's impossible. Jenny: (smiling) No, c'mon! Alice: No, you need like a guy or a girl with you to tip you one way or the other. It's not - it's - (to Tina) Right? Tina: (nods) Yep. Jenny: (smiling) f*ck! INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY [Bette and Candace are wrapping the meal up.] Bette: (smiling) Well, I guess I'd better... get back to work. So I can... get back to bed sometime tonight. [Bette stands. Candace stands and puts down a sack for her to put her trash in.] Candace: Yeah. Bette: I have a phone meeting at 7 AM with New York. Candace: (smiling) Oh. I miss it. I - I'm from Brooklyn. I grew up there. [They both start picking up the trash and putting it in the sack.] Candace: Old school Brooklyn, you know. Before it was fashionable. Bette: North Philly. Before it was a war zone. Candace: (chuckling) Right. [Bette steps away as if she means to pick something up nearby, but then steps back, to pick up her cell phone. In doing so, she nearly runs into Candace. The moment is too close and awkward. Candace wraps up the sack and Bette walks back to her desk.] INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - WHITE PARTY - NIGHT [There's a massive white party going on in the hotel. The place is packed. Dance music blasts across the sound system. Alice, Tina, Shane and Jenny enter, checking it out. Jenny's now wearing a "Lesbian Wanted" t-shirt.] Tina: This is totally a white party, you guys. Jenny: I'm gonna go have another drink. Alice: Bye. Shane: Bye, see ya later. Tina: Bye. [Jenny leaves. The others start to make their way through the crowds dancing on the floor. The white party is even more packed with women than the pool party was. Everyone and everything is in white. The only things not white are the colored strobes flickering across the crowds. Overhead black lights give everything an eerie blue glow.] INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - WHITE PARTY - BAR - NIGHT [Jenny's found the bar, and a couple of women to drink with.] Jenny/Woman #1/Woman #2: One, two, three. Jenny: Oh f*ck. [They all three slam back shots of tequila and cringe. Jenny sticks out her tongue. Woman #1 slaps Jenny on the back. They all laugh.] Woman #1: Good girl. [Later...] [Jenny is three sheets to the wind. She stands in the middle of the bar, talking to a small group of women sitting around.] Woman #3: Okay, so then what happened? Jenny: So. I go over to her house, like a f*cking idiot. And I'm standing there and I'm watching her with her real girlfriend - which, by the way, I know nothing about - and they're watching me like I'm this little sort of amusement, sort of like this little play thing. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my boy - no, I'm sorry, my husband... my... my life. My life is completely ruined. You know, she managed to f*cking destroy my relationship while leaving hers completely intact. Woman #4: Wait. S - So this is the first woman you were ever with? [Jenny puts her hands to her face as if she's just realized something.] Jenny: Oh, my God. This is my coming out story. Woman #5: Tell it! Jenny: Ladies. I am telling all you guys my coming out story! Woman #6: Tell it! Tell it. [The women start chanting.] Women: (chanting) Tell it! Tell it! Tell it! Tell it! Tell it! Tell it! Jenny: (laughing) Okay, okay, okay, okay! I go to a party at my neighbors', Bette and Tina's house. Women: Bette and Tina! Woman #7: Woo! Jenny: Yes. Okay. I'm at the party. And there she is. I see Marina. FLASH BACK - INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Marina, from the Pilot episode, sits on the edge of the couch at Bette and Tina's party, smiling down at Jenny as Jenny smiles back, a little captivated.] Jenny: (voice over) She was possibly... the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Later on that night... [Marina follows Jenny into the bathroom and kisses her.] Jenny: (voice over) ... she followed me into the bathroom... [Marina kisses Jenny and pushes her against the wall.] Jenny: (voice over) and then she does it. The thing. Am I crazy? Am I drunk? Am I hallucinating? And I was thinking... INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - WHITE PARTY - BAR - NIGHT Jenny: "Am I crazy? Am I drunk? Am I hallucinating?" And then she does it. FLASH BACK - EXT. - MARINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Marina and Jenny, from the Pilot episode, in bed, making love. Jenny covers her eyes and cries.] Jenny: (voice over) The thing... that would go on to confuse me... and f*ck... with all things stable in my life. INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - WHITE PARTY - BAR - NIGHT Jenny: And then I'm walking out the door and I'm thinking "Oh, my God. I have just had the best f*cking s*x in my whole f*cking life, man!" [The women hoot and howl at Jenny as she goes on. A woman approaches named Robin approaches and watches from the sidelines.] Jenny: No, no, no, you guys, you guys, I'm serious. This is probably the best s*x that anybody can have on the f*cking planet Earth. [Some of the women roll their eyes at each other.] Jenny: And then she does it. She does this f*cking thing. She - c'mere. No, I'm going to show you. Okay, wait. I've got to be her. Okay. [Jenny helps Woman #3 to her feet, to the center of the room, where she takes her in her arms and stands with her face an inch away. Jenny's demeanor, as well as the tone and accent of her voice, changes as she takes on the role of Marina. Everyone, including Robin, watches with a great deal of interest.] Jenny: (as Marina) "Jenny. I hope this doesn't make it worse. But I think I could fall in love with you." [Jenny kisses Woman #3.] Women: Aw! Oh, man! Woman #8: That's gross! [The kiss breaks. Woman #3 turns around to the audience and goes back to her seat.] Woman #3: That's f*cked. Woman #4: Fucker. Notice it's not "I'm falling in love with you," it's, "I think I'm falling in love with you." Jenny: She said, "I think I could fall in love with you." Woman #4: That's even worse. You don't hear the "I think I could" part because you're not supposed to. [All the women murmur in agreement.] Jenny: It's a trick. It's a f*cking loophole. She wrecked my f*cking life with supposition. [Woman #3 holds out her cell phone to Jenny.] Woman #3: Here. Jenny: What? Woman #3: Go ahead. Call her up. Tell her what a f*cking fucker she is. You need to say it! Women: Yeah! Woman #4: Go on, do it, it'll cleanse ya. Jenny: You think I should call her up? [Woman #3 takes Jenny the cell phone and sits back down.] Woman #3: Yeah. Women: Yes! (chanting) Call her! Call her! Call her! Call her! Call her! [Robin looks around at the group, shaking her head a little. She turns her attention back to Jenny.] Women: You go girl! Jenny: I'm going to call her up! Women: Tell her! Jenny: I'm going to tell her what a f*cking fucker she is for f*cking with my life! For leaving her life exactly the way it is! [Jenny dials Marina's number.] Jenny: I'm going to set that f*cking bitch... straight. Women: Yes. You go girl! Do it. Woman #3: You never know unless you tell her. Jenny: Shhh, shhh! (whispering) Please, please. Okay. It's ringing. f*ck. [Jenny waits. After a moment, she stops cold and covers the mouthpiece on the phone. She looks up, unsure of what to do.] Jenny: Oh, my gosh. It's her. [Robin jumps up and walks over to Jenny. She takes the phone.] Robin: I got you. [Robin puts the phone to her ear.] Robin: (phone) Hi! Is, uh, Thom... mas... there? (listening) Oh, this isn't Tom's house? (listening) Hello? [Robin hangs up the phone and smiles at Jenny.] Robin: Bitch hung up on me. Perfect. [Robin hands the phone back to Jenny. Woman #3 gets up and takes it away.] Woman #3: I'll take that. Jenny: (grinning) That was very nice of you. Robin: (chuckles) Well... Jenny: It was very kind. Robin: It was my pleasure. [Jenny smiles at her.] INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - LOBBY - NIGHT [Tonya and Dana are walking through the lobby, but a dozen young grrl fans are trailing after. Tonya has a tight grip on Dana's arm.] Fan #1: (pointing) Hey, is that? Tonya: (to Dana) Oh, my God, you were so amazing in there. You should be so proud of yourself! [A fan approaches Dana. Dana shakes her hand.] Fan #2: Hi! Dana: Hi! Dana: (to Tonya) Oh, thank you. Tonya: You know, that story about your mother truly was hysterical. Okay? Fan #4: Hi! Dana: (shaking hands) Hi! How are you? Hi. Tonya: Okay, and your Subaru coming out story? Fan #4: Hi! Dana: (shaking hands) Oh, hi! Hi! Tonya: Oh, my god, it broke my heart. Dana: (laughing) It did? Tonya: Now, so, tell me, did you and Lara - were you able to work it out? Fan #5: Hi! Dana: (to fans) How are you? (to Tonya) Uh, no, I totally blew that... Fan #6: Dana! Dana! Tonya: I'm so sorry to hear that. [Tonya frowns as another fan comes racing up to Dana, really excited, and pulling the waist of her jogging pants down to reveal her underwear.] Fan #6: Hey! I know I'm being a total geek right now, but would, um, sign my underwear for me? [The fan hands Dana a marker.] Tonya: Uh, Miss Fairbanks has an appointment, okay? Fan #6: Please? Tonya: Excuse me. Dana: I - I - I - ooh! Tonya: Unbelievable.

Plan: A: the gallery's "Provocations" show; Q: What show is Bette preparing for? A: Candace; Q: Who does Bette hire to handle the set-up? A: an attractive female contractor; Q: What kind of contractor does Bette hire? A: Jenny; Q: Who unloads about her tragic life to some of the attendees? A: Dana; Q: Who hits it off with Tonya? A: an eventful road trip; Q: What kind of road trip did the girls have? A: the Dinah Shore Golf Classic; Q: What event do the women attend in Palm Springs? A: their coming out stories; Q: What do the women share on their road trip? A: the hotel; Q: Where does Dana meet Tonya? A: a pushy event-planner; Q: What is Tonya's job? A: ( Meredith McGeachie; Q: Who is the actress who plays Tonya? A: Robin; Q: Who is Jenny's new potential lover? Summary: Bette prepares for the gallery's "Provocations" show and hires Candace, an attractive female contractor, to handle the set-up. Meanwhile, Tina, Jenny, Shane, Alice and Dana share an eventful road trip to Palm Springs to the Dinah Shore Golf Classic for women. They each tell their coming out stories. At the hotel, Dana hits it off with a pushy event-planner named Tonya ( Meredith McGeachie ) and Jenny unloads about her tragic life to some of the attendees, including a new, much older potential lover named Robin ( Anne Ramsay ).

Opening scene - Cohen kitchen in the morning - the first thing we see is the a close up of the counter. its a mess, there are empty Chinese containers, a half eaten apple, crumbs, a plate with what looks like banana skins on it, and newspaper. the camera zooms back to show there is also a half eaten bagel and what looks like a cloth that's wiped up a spill and been left there. Sandy is at the fridge in his robe. Seth comes into the kitchen. we can now also see a pizza box right at the end of the counter. Sandy takes the milk out of the fridge, there is about 1/2 left in the bottle Seth: morning dad Sandy: hey you're just in time for breakfast, who wants cereal (holds up box) (Ryan was at the kitchen sink and has now come into the shot) Seth: (suprised) we have cereal Sandy: yeah I found some tucked away in a cabinet (Ryan picks up the milk and unscrews the lid, he smells it and screws up his face) Sandy: cereal doesn't go bad does it Ryan: ugh, no but milk does (pours the off milk down the sink) Sandy: how bout some humus Seth: (frowns) breakfast Sandy: (at the fridge) ssssure, with a side of (looks) of sesame beef (takes both out) breakfast'a champions Seth: as much as I love botchelism ill pass Ryan: yeah I'm gonna stick with coffee (holds up cup) Sandy: c'mon you guys we gotta eat together, it's a special day, you're both seniors Ryan: its jus registration (looks at Sandy) Sandy: it's a coming of age moment...we Cohen's love coming of age moments Seth: (looks at Ryan) you should'a seen this guy at my Bah Mitzvah, he was frothin at the mouth Sandy: I was excited then, I'm excited now...I'm proud'a you both (Ryan nods, looking down) an so is your mom even though she's not here to tell you about it Seth: or prevent us from (throws some food like it's a basketball shot) livin in this cesspool (throws more food, it hits a plate and bounces off) Sandy: boy she kept this place in tip top shape without so much as pickin up a sponge Ryan: eah, how did she do that Seth: (frowns) uh her presence kept us neat Ryan, it's that pricing evil eye (tries to do it to Ryan, lol) it's a powerful thing (Ryan looks at him like he's crazy) Sandy: she's a woman'a many talents (Sandy goes quiet and looks sad. Ryan looks at him, then at Seth worried. Seth looks at Sandy) Seth: we could have dinner tonight right (Sandy turns around) Ryan: yeah sure, just the three of us Seth: yeah Ryan'll even clean up Ryan: he will (points at Seth) (door bell) Sandy: (smiles) ill pick up the steaks (nods) (Seth nods, he and Ryan still look worried. Sandy goes to answer the door - the next thing we see is Sandy opening the door. Julie is standing there) Sandy: boy you've got some nerve showin up here Julie: look, I apologise for...our little, misunderstanding Sandy: (annoyed) oh so I misunderstood, you didn't try'to frame Ryan for the shooting Julie: Sandy, I only did what any parent would do, I was trying to keep my family afloat Sandy: (looks at Julie) yeah by using my kid as a raft Julie: you can lecture me later but right now we need to put our differences behind us because we have bigger problems Sandy: ...what's happened now Julie: I got a call from the school this morning, apparently the parents are protesting...they want Ryan an Marissa (raises eyebrows) out Sandy: (closes eyes) oh i should'a seen that comin ill stop by there an talk to em (nods, not worried) Julie: no you don't get it, they have a petition they filed a motion- (Seth and Ryan come to the door) Seth: (touches Sandy's back) see ya dad Ryan: later Sandy: have a good day (looks back at Julie) Julie: Sandy unless we can put a stop to this...Ryan an Marissa are getting expelled (Sandy looks shocked. we see Ryan and Seth now in the car) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet The diner - we see people sitting at a table and then we see that Marissa, Summer, Ryan and Seth are sitting together in a booth to the right. a waitress is there with them Marissa: an we'll take pancakes, with extra butter (hands menu back) thanks (smiles) (the waitress walks away) Summer: (sad) whoa, this is the last time we'll ever order pancakes before registration Seth: it's a...sad thing to you Summer: yeah it is sad, everything we do this year is for the last time it's like a farewell tour Marissa: (looks at Summer) actually after the summer we've had that doesn't sound so terrible, if we can make it through this year (looks at Ryan) Ryan: yeah if we can get through graduation Marissa: (raises eyebrows) with no major traumas Ryan: then ill be happy Summer: no you guys that is unacceptable (Seth smiles) look I know that our summer sucked Marissa: (laughs) ta say the least Summer: (looks at Marissa) but we made it through it...no one is in juvi or in a jumpsuit Seth: I think Marissa would'a worn one well (Marissa looks at him, nods) I do, it's the right cut on you (Ryan smiles) Summer: point is, the four of us are together an (shrugs) it's our senior year, so, it's our last time to make everything all time Seth: (frowns) hmm (Ryan is frowning as well, Summer waits and Marissa smiles) Ryan: (looks at Seth) she makes a good point Seth: (nods) she's becoming quite the motivational speaker Marissa: ok Sum (Summer looks at her) you win, it'll be the best year ever (grins) Summer: thankyou (holds up hand) high five (Marissa high fives her) best-year-ever (Marissa smiles) (Seth and Ryan don't look quite as confident as Summer & Marissa, lol) CUT TO: Harbor school - Julie is standing in the hall pacing, Sandy walks up Sandy: Jimmy couldn't make it Julie: he's working, business associate from Hawaii showed up Sandy: (pacing) ah just as well, one Montague one Capulet...that should be plenty (Julie looks at him) (Dr Kim comes out) Dr Kim: (smiles) Sandy, Julie, come on in (Julie walks in, Sandy follows and closes the door behind him - we are now inside Dr Kim's office) Dr Kim: you have to understand no student at Harbor has ever (shakes head) ben involved in a shooting Sandy: a-an I know as principal you have'to do something but ii-...(pleadingly) if you could please avoid expulsion Dr Kim: there is a petition, circling, amongst the parents, almost a thousand signatures (puts hands out) it's hard to ignore that kind of outcry Julie: (closes eyes) Dr Kim, you know my daughter, right, tall pretty (Dr Kim listens) wears Chanel, not exactly what you call (raises eyebrows) gangsta (Sandy looks at her) Sandy: look, the bottom line is Marissa an Ryan are good kids...they deserve to graduate with their friends Dr Kim: (leans forward) an if it were up to me they would Julie: but it is up to you, I mean you're the principal Dr Kim: the board thought it would be a good idea to bring in someone new (raises eyebrows) (we hear the door open. Sandy and Julie are listening) Dr Kim: a specialist in school safety (in the background a man has entered the room) Julie: oh you mean like, a hall monitor (Sandy looks at her) Jack: flattering but (walks in) actually more like Dean of discipline...Jack, Hess nice to meet you Sandy: (stands, shakes Jacks hand) Sandy Cohen (points) Julie Cooper-Nichol (Julie stands and shakes Jacks hand) Julie: uh I'm very anxious to talk about Marissa (smiles) Sandy: an Ryan (sits) Jack: thanks but uh...don't really think that'll be necessary (Julie looks at him) I've read their files, talked to the arresting officers, I know what I'm dealing with Sandy: well you never really know what your dealin with until you talk to the kid (Jack humours him) I was a PD in the juvenile system for a number of years an I...weeell I've seen my fair share of kids in trouble (Dr Kim looks at Jack) Jack: so have I Mr. Cohen, got a masters in education (Sandy looks at him) taught six years in boarding schools back east, I like to think I know what I'm doing (raises eyebrows smugly) Sandy: I hope so (Jack looks at him) these kids very much wanna go to college, if you kick em out, they've got no shot Jack: (cold) well, frankly, I'm not here to make everyone happy (Jack and Sandy look at each other. Dr Kim looks from Jack, to Sandy, worried. Julie looks at Jack) Jack: ill let you know my answer by this evening (Jack leaves. Sandy looks at Julie, worried. Julie looks away, also worried {I just have to say that I've wanted to hit Jack since I saw him on the preview, and seeing more of him just makes me hate him more! lol. he is just an ass!} CUT TO: Newport Bay Yacht Club - we see Jimmy walk in and look towards the bar, he looks worried. he stands there for a few seconds before going over. a man is sitting at the bar with a drink Don: Jimmy (Jimmy smiles) another scotch on the rocks for my friend Jimmy: oh friend, that's a-that's a good sign (smiles nervously) Don: you know I like you Jimmy Jimmy: uh-hh Don: even though you test my patience Bar tender: here you go sir (puts drink down) Jimmy: thankyou, soon you uh will have the money soon Don: think you said that two months ago Jimmy: well uh, wills gonna be ready any day now you gotta-you gotta believe me (smiles at Don) Don: I believed you before (looks at Jimmy) when you said you were gonna sell me a boat but you...pissed away my deposit on some crazy stock venture (almost laughs) Jimmy: do we have'ta-do we have'ta relive this Don: point is (looks at Jimmy) I'm nice...but I'm not as nice as I look (Jimmy looks down) I got alotta friends who'd be more than happy to take care'a this for me (Jimmy nods) all I gotta do is pick up the phone Jimmy: ...your gonna have your money (sighs) I promise (smiles) (Don smiles and clinks his glass with Jimmy's. they both take a drink then Don looks at Jimmy) CUT TO: Harbor school - the first thing we see is a big banner gradually being pulled into the air. the banner is a browny colour. on it in white letters is 'THE HARBOR SCHOOL' underneath that in bigger letters is 'KICKOFF' in yellow, and CARNIVAL in different colours. Marissa and Summer appear from around the corner, they are walking towards where the banner is. Marissa has a binder in one arm and a coffee in her hand. Summer just has her arms folded across her stomach Summer: Coop you need a wheelbarrow for that binder that things a (almost laughs) monster Marissa: well its everything I need for Kickoff Carnival (ducks under the banner with Summer) waivers invoices, vendor contract (raises eyebrows, looks at Summer) Summer: ow, that is so boring it hurts Marissa: (looks at Summer) so I take it you won't be joining us for social committee this year Summer: hmm let me think about it, no Marissa: Sum it's our last year, what happened to living every moment (they are now in the student lounge) Summer: well Coop you know how I feel about school sponsored events (frowns) love to go to them, hate ta plan them (we can see what Summer is looking at which is a group of girls sitting on chairs in front of a podium. another girl is standing at the podium) Summer: ugh prefer not to look behind the curtain (looks at Marissa) you see if I join clubs ill have'to hang out with (softly) girls like that (points, frowns) Marissa: (frowns) Taylor Townsend Taylor: (at the podium) ok (bangs pen) guys, I spent the whole summer working on your Kickoff Carnival (Summer looks at Marissa, shocked, Marissa makes a face as if she is annoyed, but not suprised) so I have tons of great ideas, I mean I didn't even have a vacation (laughs) but you know someone has'to do it right (nods) Summer: Coop she is totally stealing your meeting Marissa: yeah well she's been fighting me for social chair since, like (shrugs) freshmen year Summer: god, nothing I hate more than perky blondes who wanna (raises eyebrows) take over the world (Marissa raises her eyebrows) c'mon (Taylor is talking in the background. Summer walks over to her. Marissa follows) Summer: uh-hm Taylor (Taylor looks at her) hey (waves) uh (points) I think your at Marissa's podium (folds arms) Taylor: (suprised) Marissa (smiles) I'm sorry I just went ahead an guessed that you weren't gonna be making it today Marissa: (nods, squints) ooooh, well (puts hands out) here I am Taylor: well I just assumed with everything that you've been through this summer, you know with the (clenches her teeth and points a finger, I think it's suppose to be a gun, lol) (Summer raises her eyebrows & glares in disbelief) Marissa: (looks at Taylor) rrright, well I'm fine (wiggles eyebrows) thanks Taylor: oh, you are so strong (Marissa glares) but listen sweetie if it gets to be too much (Marissa tilts her head, glaring) you just holler, I can totally take over since I pretty much did the whole thing myself last year (the girls on the chairs look from Taylor to Marissa/Summer) Summer: (laughs sarcastically) uh-uh, yeah, that's great an everything but (frowns) d'you wanna take your stuff off the podium now (Taylor's smile goes, Summer grins at her, waiting) Taylor: ...absolutely (smiles) ...ill justttt be gone in a jiff (Marissa smiles, and puts her head on the side) Summer: (grins) ok (motions with head) lets go (Taylor reluctantly shuts her binder and picks it up. as she walks passed, Marissa waves, smiles and whispers bye Summer just watches her go with her arms folded. Marissa's smile goes) Summer: oh that bitch is going down CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - we see 2 trash bags on the counter and some type of food being thrown onto the counter. the camera pans up to show Seth standing on the opposite side of the counter Seth: you sure you don't need a hazmat suit in there (frowns) (we can now see that Ryan is in the fridge going through the food. he has 2 containers in his hand, and pulls out a plate) Ryan: (screws up his face) oh my god look at this, chicken skewers from the fourth'a July Seth: (looks) those things fossilised yet Ryan: yeah, what're you doin (goes back to the fridge) Seth: makin a Seth Cohen starter pack for mom, rehab edition, got the new Klosterman, got Craig Thompson's blankets, an I got Motley Crue's dirt, figure'it'd help put moms indiscretions in perspective Ryan: very thoughtful, alright that's pretty much everything d'you wanna give me a hand here (Ryan puts more food into the trash bag and screws up his face. Seth leaves the starter pack sitting on the counter and goes over to Ryan. Ryan picks up the trash bag and walks out. Seth follows him, and in true Seth style he left the other trash bag on the counter, lol) Seth: how're things with you an Marissa Ryan: yeahh they're fine Seth: fine? (Ryan stops and looks at Seth in disbelief, then walks back and picks up the other trash bag. poor Ryan!) Seth: they're fine Ryan: yeeeah why wouldn't they be fine (sighs) Seth: (puts hands out) I don't know, cause she shot your brother, throw the average couple for a loop Ryan: look we've ben livin an breathin with it all summer, now its over we jus wanna get- put it behind us Seth: you guys? talked about it right, I mean you've hashed it out (looks at Ryan) Ryan: (looks at Seth) we don't need to (they are now out the front) Seth: dude, Summer an I fought over a comic book for a year Ryan: yeah what's your point Seth: (puts hands out) its just if I've learned anything from being with Summer it's that every issue in a relationship snowballs, even small things (Ryan puts the trash bags in the bin, by himself!) Seth: you gotta deal with it or eventually it'll come between you (walks away) (Ryan stands there thinking for a second before following) CUT TO: Suriak T.C - we see an open suitcase that has some clothes in it. the camera pans up to show Kirsten holding some more clothes. in the background we see Charlotte walk in. Kirsten looks worried Charlotte: ...skippin town Kirsten: (turns around, suprised) ahh, yeah (smiles) checking out tomorrow (laughs a little) you Charlotte: yeah (sighs, moves closer) almost all packed Kirsten: oh I just can't wait to get...back to my family an my-my house, my bed Charlotte: (sits on the end of the bed) still I know you were um (shrugs) worried about goin too soon Kirsten: well I-I-I cant say that I...I feel really ready but I'm guessing (raises eyebrows) that's normal Charlotte: (raises eyebrows, nods slightly) absolutely...goin homes the trickiest part'a recovery (Kirsten looks at her) the last time I went straight home I relapsed, almost immediately (Kirsten looks worried) I mean after bein here in this bubble, it can be a shock to your system (Kirsten nods) so this time I am planning on making a pit stop Kirsten: well, that seems like a good idea (smiles) Charlotte: my father has a- a cottage, at Lake Arrowhead...totally remote an (nods) empty which makes it the perfect half way house Kirsten: well it makes sense, I mean if there's one thing we've learned here it's to do things in steps Charlotte: (thinks) ...you know iii there's alotta extra room (Kirsten looks at her) i- I mean I know you wanna get home but if your havin any second thoughts...well jus think about it (smiles, stands) Kirsten: thanks (smiles) (Charlotte leaves and Kirsten continues packing, she turns around and looks at the doorway) CUT TO: Newport Bay Yacht Club - Jimmy is sitting at a table by himself drinking. Julie comes in and holds up a finger to the bar then goes over to him Julie: so, have you heard anything Jimmy: aaaabout Marissa Julie: (looks at Jimmy) is there another crisis we're dealing with Jimmy: (laughs) course not oh uh uh school hasn't called yet Julie: (sits) so how was your drink with that client, did you...sell him a fleet of yachts Jimmy: (smiles, looks down) it was uh- it was fine...look I-I I know your worried about Marissa but you never know she could...catch a break Julie: Marissa, catch a break (tries not to laugh) that'd be a first (drinks) Jimmy: I don't know, Cooper families been on a bit of a...lucky streak recently Julie: my husband died in a pool, our daughters about to be expelled...what'do you define as lucky Jimmy: you an I got back together (takes Julies hand) Julie: (smiles) an thank god...because it's the only thing keeping me sane (waitress puts the bill down on the table and says whenever you're ready. Jimmy looks at it then at Julie. Julie looks at him then at the bill) Jimmy: I uh I-I um...left my wallet in the car Julie: (looks at Jimmy) Jimmy Jimmy: can't we just (shrugs) put it on Cal's tab Julie: yeah, why not, we've charged a summers worth of drinks to him (Jimmy smiles, relieved. Julie's cell phone rings) Julie: (answers) Julie Cooper-Nichol (Julie mouths to Jimmy,'it's the dean') CUT TO: Cohen backyard - through the glass door we can see Ryan at the outside table putting out plates. we hear Sandy on the phone but we can't yet see him Sandy: oh I understand Dean...an this decision is final (sighs) is there any way I can get you ta reconsider (raises eyebrows) there'll be an opportunity for appeal...well I'm sorry to hear that...I jus want you to know I (shakes head) I think your makin a huge mistake (we now see Ryan walking over to Seth who is grilling the steaks) Ryan: steaks ready Seth: shhh, grilling is an art form Ryan it can't be rushed (Sandy comes out to join them) Sandy: hey guys Seth: hey you want yours rare dad Sandy: sure... (frowns) Ryan: what's wrong Sandy: I've got some bad news, I had a meeting at the school today an there concerned about bringing you an Marissa back after what happened Ryan: (looks at Sandy, shocked) I'm getting kicked out Sandy: no (raises eyebrows) your not (Ryan looks at him) but Marissa is (Sandy looks from Ryan to Seth, Seth looks at Ryan. Ryan looks stunned) CUT TO: Suriak T.C. - we see the front of the building then we see Sandy and Kirsten sitting side by side on the bed in Kirsten's room. she's holding Seth's starter pack from earlier Kirsten: (reads) dirt, the Motley Crue story, well, that oughta put things in perspective (laughs) Sandy: (looks) our son has a very strange take on self-help Kirsten: (laughs) ooooh, how are the boys (Sandy looks at her) I miss em Sandy: (looks at Kirsten) there great, they miss you like crazy...but I'm guessin there gonna be seein ya soon taking that (points) suitcase as a good sign Kirsten: (nods) I am leaving Sandy: oh honey that's great news your timing couldn't be better (Kirsten looks at him) we cleaned up the house it was...it was a pit (nods) Kirsten: ...Sandy I'm not coming home...I'm going to Lake Arrowhead with a friend Sandy: (looks at Kirsten, shocked) ...a friend Kirsten: her name is Charlotte...she has alot of experience with these things...the dangers of relapse Sandy: honey if you're thinkin about relapse w- why check out at all Kirsten: I'm not saying that its just that...(sighs) Sandy: you don't wanna come home Kirsten: no (closes eyes) yes (nods) I wanna come home, of course I do...I jus need to know that when I do...that I'm home for good...that this is all behind me (Sandy looks away, Kirsten looks at him) Sandy: (sadly) ...is there a timetable...for this Kirsten: oh Sandy I don't know (shakes head) Sandy: well when you do...call me (Kirsten half smiles and they kiss. awww) CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Marissa is lying on her bed holding Share Bear in her hands. she's looking down sadly. we hear the sound of the door opening and Summer, Seth and Ryan walk in. Marissa sits up, suprised Summer: (worried) Coop Marissa: (smiles) hey Summer: how ya doin Marissa: ooh, I've been better (hugs Summer) Seth: ah we thought uh you could use some breakfast (puts down bag) we got bagels an a support group (Marissa smiles) (Seth puts Captain Oats and Princess Sparkle on the bed) Summer: yes, Captain Oats is a really good listener an Princess Sparkle she jus kind of stands there an looks cute Marissa: (smiles) aww you guys didn't have'to do that Ryan: and we're gettin you back in (Marissa looks at him) you shouldn't have'to suffer for this (raises eyebrows) if anyone has to it should be me Marissa: well you didn't (raises eyebrows) shoot somebody...I did Ryan: I don't care what it takes, we're gettin you back in (Marissa smiles at Ryan, Ryan smiles back) CUT TO: Cooper-Nichol bedroom - Jimmy is using a laptop and Julie comes in, dressed in workout gear Julie: hey Jimmy: hey I'm jus checking online there's some decent schools in the area Julie: an Marissa won't be going to any of them Jimmy: what Julie: I was jus brainstorming during cardio bar which is where I do all my best thinking, and I came up with a solution Jimmy: well uh...I'm all ears Julie: money Jimmy: (looks at Julie, frowns) excuse me Julie: we give Harbor a fat donation, remind them there kicking out Caleb Nichols step-daughter Jimmy: except that um...that Caleb's not around anymore Julie: (sits near Jimmy) oh but his money is, or at least it will be whenever they get around to untangling his seventy nine Swiss bank accounts (smiles) Jimmy: I don't know Julies iii don't uh (shakes head) I don't think it's gonna work Julie: (holds hands out) then it's a right off, I mean- (kneels next to Jimmy) look I admit it's a long shot but we've got'to at least try, honey this is our daughter we're talking about Jimmy: (looks at Julie) ...your right (kisses Julies cheek) Julie: (smiles) so you write the cheque I'm dry until the will comes through (walks away) Jimmy: uhhh w- how-how how much are you thinkin like uhhhh two thousand orrr three Julie: wake up Jimmy, the Sigfrieds donated a pool and a field house, their son only smoked pot, Marissa shot someone, we've gotta at least give em a hundred grand (smiles) (Jimmy looks stunned) CUT TO: Harbor school - we see Taylor in front of the podium again, and the blackboard next to her says Kick-off Carnival Meeting Taylor: what happened to Marissa Cooper...is a tragedy...but let it be a lesson to all of us...one minute your on top...the next your on the streets, with that in mind I would like to take a moment of silence (Summer comes in) to remember Marissa Cooper an the great work she did as social chair (Taylor looks down and closes her eyes, the rest of the girls do the same) Taylor: (after a few seconds, looks up) that felt really good (Summer starts walking over) ok so it is with a heavy heart that I assume Marissa's post aaaas social chair Summer: (sits at a table) uh-hm (raises hand) Taylor: Summer Roberts Summer: (puts hand down) I was jus wondering if anyone else um has a chance to try out (frowns) Taylor: (smiles, condescendingly) what, are you saying that you wanna be social chair Summer: (raises eyebrows) maybe Taylor: (laughs) ok um...have you ever done this kind of work before Summer: (scoffs) please, no (closes eyes) but I- Taylor: have you ever done any extra curricular activities at all, an remember shopping doesn't count Summer: (nods) ok, maybe I'm not like super qualified but neither are you Taylor: Summer who do you think has been running this committee these past few years Summer: um Marissa Cooper Taylor: Marissa Cooper...has been busy (raises eyebrows) skipping school, experimenting with her sexual orientation, and I was here (Taylor is near Summer now) picking up the slack doing all of the work while she got all of the credit, do you have any idea what its like to have all of the responsibility an none of the power (Summer looks at her) (yells) do you (Summer closes her eyes, Taylor looks at her) Taylor: ok then (laughs, goes back to the podium) lets get back to work people, we have a carnival ta throw (Summer looks at Taylor then looks away and screws up her face) CUT TO: Lake Arrowhead - we see Charlotte's car pull up, on one side is a lake on the other is a cute little cottage. Kirsten looks out the passenger window, almost mesmerised. Charlotte looks as well. Kirsten and Charlotte both get out and shut their doors at the same time. Kirsten looks up at the house, smiling Kirsten: Charlotte it is so charming Charlotte: (smiles) thanks, god I haven't been here in years...we stopped coming here when dad bought a house on the vineyard...(smiles) I always loved it...well that wasn't too important to dear old dad (looks at Kirsten) you know how that is Kirsten: but your here now (nods, smiles) Charlotte: (nods, confidently) yeah (Kirsten and Charlotte both laugh. Charlotte goes up to the door and puts a key in the lock) Charlotte: goh, my dad was also a security freak (laughs) so he locks this place up like Fort Knox (lock clicks) ahh there we go (Charlotte opens the door and walks in, Kirsten smiles and follows. they are now inside the cottage) Charlotte: so this is it...oh an the kitchen (points) is right over there where I will be teaching you to cook (playfully pushes Kirsten with the side of her body) whether you like it or not (Kirsten laughs) Kirsten: (looks around) it's beautiful (Kirsten's smile goes, however she has her back to Charlotte) Charlotte: thinkin about Sandy Kirsten: (turns around) ...can't help it...I feel like I've let him down yet again Charlotte: (moves closer) your doin this for him (looks at Kirsten, reassuringly) Kirsten: I don't think he sees it that way Charlotte: (matter of factly) well then show him, invite him over for dinner Kirsten: you really wouldn't mind Charlotte: of course not, you've been talking so much about your perfect husband, id love to meet him (grins) (Kirsten smiles) CUT TO: Harbor school - we see Ryan pull up in the parking lot, in the black range rover. he gets out and starts walking towards the school - the next thing we see is Ryan standing in the hall. Dr Kim is walking in the background. Ryan turns around and sees her Dr Kim: (smiles) Ryan Ryan: Dr Kim (smiles) hey (walks over) I need'a talk to you Dr Kim: Ryan, the board had an exhaustive debate about (Ryan closes his eyes) you an Marissa an they came to what I think is a fair decision (touches chest) (Dr Kim walks into her office, Ryan follows) Ryan: great but they might change their minds if they knew what happened Dr Kim: they do know what happened an the board has reached their decision Ryan: (not giving up) look who can I talk to h-how can I change this Dr Kim: (sighs) e- you'd have'to talk to the new dean, this is his department Ryan: great so if Marissa an I could jus talk (sits) to him (puts hands out, raises eyebrows) tell him our story (Dr Kim doesn't say anything) Ryan: (desperate) ...please (swallows) CUT TO: Summers room - Seth knocks on the door and goes in Seth: hey, are you hungry, I thought we could get a little bite to eat (rubs stomach) (we see that Summer is lying on her bed looking depressed) Summer: (screws up face) I'm too sick to eat Seth: you're sick Summre: yes the senior years sucking Seth: it hasn't even started yet (sits, touches Summers leg) Summer: ugh, sooo (sits up) it's already terrible, Marissa got the axe and (sighs) now I have'to watch as uber bitch feeds on her remains (looks down, sadly) Seth: you mean that Taylor girl Summer: you know I actually thought I could compete with (raises eyebrows) psycho Barbie for social chair (rolls eyes) Seth: (frowns) you wanted'a be social chair Summer: no it's just all I could do to help (frowns) to try to keep Marissa's legacy from falling inta the (screws up face) grubby little paws of Taylor Townsend Seth: ok well you should Summer: I cant, she's Taylor Townsend she's like the Karl Rove of our school (raises eyebrows) Seth: so you can take Karl Ro- (suprised) you know who Karl Rove is (touches Summers arm) Summer: yeah my step-mom sometimes naps in front'a CNN (closes eyes) I hear things as I'm dragging her off to bed Seth: (pats Summers arm) ok, well look I know you don't think of yourself as active Summer: no, two hobbies shopping an sunbathing Seth: but you have Marissa as a resource, now you combine that with your natural god given rage (reassuringly) you have everything you need'a topple that tired Taylor Townsend Summer: (frowns) your right (raises eyebrows) you know what (taps Seth's nose, aww) we need to go to Marissa's (gets up) Seth: (frowns) really should'a said I was hungry Summer: (yells) come on CUT TO: Newport Bay Yacht Club - we see Jimmy open the door and walk in. he goes over to the guy from earlier, Don Don: Jimmy (smiles, laughs) you proved me wrong, figure you'd be tossin back tequila shooters in Wahaka by now Jimmy: I don't have the money Don: (unimpressed) ...you're kidding right Jimmy: no...and uh I (sits) haven't even gotten to the unbelievable part yet, I uh I need to ask you for a loan (looks at Don) Don: (laughs in disbelief) (Jimmy smiles) oooh I'm sorry (shakes head) you wanna borrow money Jimmy: a hundred thousand dollars, it's for my kid she's uh she's had a-a some bad luck Don: mm runs in the family I guess Jimmy: look the best way for you to get your money...is to give me more Don: so why don't you sell the boat Jimmy: well if it were mine (sighs) the bank owns it now, look I-I'm in a...I'm in a real pinch here (Don raises his eyebrows) once the money comes in, I pay you back Julie an I we-we-we-we (laughs) we live happily ever after ok, I, trust me I-I-I I got a plan (Don half smiles at Jimmy. Jimmy looks at Don, hopeful) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan and Marissa are walking in the hall together. Marissa looks unsure Marissa: you really think this is gonna work Ryan: yeah, well, we gotta at least try right (Marissa looks at Ryan. Ryan knocks at Jacks doorway. Jack looks up and sees Ryan and Marissa standing together) Jack: (suprised) wow (stands) you must be Ryan an Marissa, its good to finally meet Harbors most notorious couple, please, come in (Marissa walks in. Ryan follows behind her) Jack: have a seat (motions) (Marissa sits down, she looks nervous, Ryan stays standing) Ryan: so uh we jus we wanted to tell you our version of what happened Jack: this...(looks up) doesn't really concern you, Ryan (Ryan looks at him) as far as I know your still enrolled at Harbor, despite my best efforts (Ryan looks at him, shocked) so I say we focus on Marissa, hm (Marissa looks at Jack, Ryan looks at him then sits down) Jack: so uh-hm Miss Cooper (sits on the edge of his desk) tell me why I'm wrong about you Marissa: (thrown) uh (breathes out) I (frowns) uh Jack: because that's what this is about right (Marissa frowns) (leans forward) I've got you all wrong Marissa: I don't know I...jus know I've never been involved (shrugs) in anything like this before Jack: really, well I- I gotta disagree with you Marissa: (confused) what're you talking about Jack: you know I'm new, to Newport, I moved here few weeks ago from the east coast...so far, its not bad (Ryan and Marissa look at him) the weathers great an you know what else I like about it here...people here talk...they looove to talk (Marissa realises) especially about you Marissa: you can't buy inta the gossip in this town Jack: (looks at Marissa) alright, so, yeah (stands) you tell me then (Ryan looks at him, not liking where this is going) shop lifting, alcohol abuse (Marissa looks at him) an overdose in Tijuana an please (holds out hand) stop me if any'a this is just gossip (smiles smugly) Ryan: those things have nothing to do with what happened with Trey (Jack looks at him) Marissa: you know what I did do those things (Jack looks at her) but I mean the shooting was different Jack: Marissa (shakes head) its never different (Marissa looks at him) a troubled kid gets a'hold of a gun the ending is always the same Marissa: (matter of factly) I'm not troubled Jack: (bends down, coldly) you almost killed another kid I don't even hear a hint of remorse in your voice (Marissa goes to defend herself then stops and looks confident) Marissa: because I don't have any (raises eyebrows) (Ryan looks at her, worried) I'm proud of what I did an id do it again (looks at Jack, calmly) so, you know what (Jack looks at her) maybe the next time your out on the town talking with people (stands) you should tell them I said that (Marissa goes to the door. Ryan stands to follow) Jack: (shakes head) huh (Ryan stops) I hope she gets a good, long look (Ryan looks at him) on her way out (shakes head) she's never setting foot in this school again (Ryan glares at Jack) CUT TO: Cohen living room - on the TV we see a shoot em up game, we then see that Seth is playing the game and Summer is sitting next to him with a huge binder on her lap Summer: (eyes closed) all the California fire codes are in here (points to head) I think (looks at Seth) will you test me Seth: oooh...no Summer: what, Cohen come on I have'to catch Taylor breaking a rule otherwise I have no shot at taking back this carnival Seth: well you know your not gonna out Taylor Taylor I mean fire codes an regulations, that's her bread an butter Summer: (nods) well what'do you suggest Seth: I suggest you find something that your good at that she's not (looks behind) (we see Ryan come in from outside) Seth: hey dude you wanna play (Summer turns around to look at Ryan. Ryan doesn't say anything he just goes into the kitchen) Seth: more in the mood for stewin, I got it (keeps playing) Summer: (looks at Seth) you should go talk to him Seth: pshh Summer: go talk to him (looks at Seth) (we are now in the kitchen. Ryan takes a drink from the fridge and sighs. Seth comes in) Seth: you ok Ryan: not really Seth: look I know this thing with the dean has ya...a little pissed off (Ryan looks at him) or alot Ryan: (puts drink down, leans on counter) it was all I could do to keep from kickin (raises eyebrows) that guy's ass Seth: I know how it feels...actually I don't but you don't do that kinda thing anymore (points) right Ryan: well sometimes, like right now, it seems like the best way to handle things Seth: (looks away) I don't like where this is heading Ryan: (softly) yeah well... Seth: ok well listen, I mean even if you can't get Marissa back inta school...alright at least she's not goin to jail, it's not the end'a the world (Ryan grabs his drink and glares at Seth like he doesn't get it, and leaves the kitchen possibly more pissed off) CUT TO: Cooper-Nichol bedroom - Julie is looking at herself in the mirror and Jimmy comes in Jimmy: wha-la (holds out the cheque) one hundred thousand dollars (smiles) Julie: (not phased) oh thanks but I don't think we're gonna need it Jimmy: (shocked) we don't Julie: eh Marissa had a meeting with the dean yesterday, apparently she showed him a side of herself she usually reserves for me (puts make up on) Jimmy: it was that bad huh Julie: (grins) I don't think any amount of moneys getting her back in that school Jimmy: (sighs) oh I'm sorry (looks at Julie) well at least we found out now (kisses Julies neck) saved us some money (kisses, laughs) Julie: (thinks) actually (takes the cheque) I could use this (walks away) Jimmy: (confused) what Julie: you know the landscaper the pool guy the gardener, I mean none of them have been paid since Caleb died (laughs) I'm afraid one of em's gonna kill me in my sleep (Julie leaves and Jimmy looks stunned at what just happened) CUT TO: The site of the KOC - Taylor is standing with a bunch of girls, and that familiar blackboard. Summer and Seth walk over Taylor: ok, next I've got your station set up right here (sees Summer) Summer (laughs) you showed up and um...you brought a little friend (Seth looks at her) sssSeth Cohen, is it Seth: (raises hand) present (smiles) Taylor: so as I was saying- Summer: uh we had some ideas so we came to help (smiles) Taylor: oh well that's sweet, but we've got it under control Seth: (through his teeth) well your right? yet again (turns to leave) Summer: hmm right Taylor: so as I was saying- Summer: (stops Seth) hey Ash (the girls look at her) um what would you think about (thinks) getting a chocolate fountain Ash: that would be awesome, didn't Britney have one at her wedding (Taylor looks at Summer in disbelief) Summer: you know what, she did (wiggles eyebrows) and uh Seth an I here rented one for tonight (the girls gasp excitedly) Taylor: (gasps) well sorry Summer, that's not really our carnival Girl: well it should be (the girls agree saying yeah and really) Girl: (smiles) what else Summer: (excited) well I was thinking (Seth points at her proudly) for food how bout like mini burgers mini dim sum maybe like mini soups in little shot glasses (Taylor looks shocked) Seth: yeah, oo (the girls are agreeing) Summer: how cute is that because (puts up finger) mini is the new super size Girl: so true Seth: we should also maybe cancel uh Shenanigans Taylor: what Seth: I'm telling you the Harbor comedy troops gotten way too political lately Ash: (to girl) ever since Tina Woo left they are so not funny (Taylor is standing there with her mouth open, stunned) Summer: you know what, an why are we raffling off a gas guzzling S.U.V ugh (screws up her face) from Taylor's dads dealership (points) when we could give away a hybrid Girl: (to Ash) air quality is so important Ash: I know (raises eyebrows) we breathe it (Taylor goes to say something but cant) Summer: alright you guys so who is on board with my (points to herself) carnival (all the girls clap cheer and woo.. Summer claps proudly then makes a sad face at Taylor and mouths 'I'm sorry'. Taylor just glares at Summer) CUT TO: Lake Arrowhead - we see Sandy pull up in his Lexus. he gets out and looks up at the cottage. in the background we see Charlotte come up some stairs, which appear to be leading down to the lake. she stands there and stares at him for a few seconds, before he looks over and notices her. Charlotte walks over Charlotte: hey, you must be Sandy Cohen...bit of a legend back at Suriak (holds out hand) Sandy: thanks Charlotte nice to meet you too (shakes hand) Charlotte: (smiles) Kirsten's just up in the kitchen Sandy: (points) you left her unsupervised Charlotte: consider it therapy (nods) Sandy: boy everything seems to be therapy now days...cooking...holing yourself up in the woods Charlotte: this place'll be great for Kirsten Sandy: (looks at Charlotte) what would be great for Kirsten is for her to be with her kids (nods) Charlotte: ...look Sandy I know you don't know me an I (Sandy raises his eyebrows then looks away) know this all seems a little weird (Sandy frowns) but (shrugs) I've ben around this track...a few times (raises eyebrows) I'm not proud of that but at least I've learned a few things...an I know that the reason Kirsten was in rehab in the first place is cause she spent the (frowns) better part of her life tryin'a be the perfect daughter, so now if she tries to be the perfect mother an the perfect wife...(raises eyebrows) Sandy: (nods) she may never come home (Charlotte looks at him) (Kirsten comes down the stairs) Kirsten: (smiles lovingly) I'm so glad your here Sandy: I am too (smiles) (Kirsten giggles and they kiss passionately, aww. Kirsten has her arms wrapped tightly around Sandy's neck. Sandy kisses her cheek and they hug. Charlotte stands behind them and creepily watches) Charlotte: (after a few seconds) ok, who wants dinner (smiles) CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - its now night. Marissa is lying on her bed, on her stomach reading. we hear a knock at the door. she looks up just as Ryan opens the door Ryan: hey Marissa: hey (frowns) why aren't you at the carnival Ryan: (shuts the door, sighs) because (gets on the bed) I was hoping I could get you ta go with me (leans closer) Seth an Summer are there it'll be fun Marissa: mm (Ryan kisses her) Ryan: mm Marissa: or really depressing Ryan: (half laughs) ...look um abut that (looks at Marissa) its not over yet (Marissa scoffs) ...I'm gonna talk to Sandy an maybeee get em a copy of our testimonies Marissa: (closes her eyes) Ryan Ryan: if your innocent of all the charges then they're gonna have'to admit you shouldn't be punished right Marisa: no, no (sits up) it's over (gets off the bed) Ryan: I don't get it why don't you wanna fight this (stands up) Marissa: because I can't keep doing this, ok (Ryan looks at her, confused) look I appreciate everything you've done to help me but...maybe you've done enough Ryan: w- what is that suppose'ta mean (moves closer) Marissa: (loud) I don't need you to help me, I don't need you to protect me, I don't now an I didn't then (Ryan goes to touch Marissa and she pulls away) Ryan: w- oh what so this whole thing is my fault (Marissa looks at him) look what happened was between me an Trey you didn't need to get in the middle of it Marissa: so I was suppose'to watch you die (Ryan looks at her) I did what I did (shrugs) an I'm prepared to face the consequences Ryan: yeah well there are consequences for me to (raises eyebrows) he was my brother Marissa: (teary) right...an now because of me he's gone Ryan: (looks at Marissa, shakes his head) no, you know that's not what I mean Marissa: (upset, motions for Ryan to go) Ryan Ryan: (nods, softly) yeah... (Ryan starts walking away and Marissa stands there with tears in her eyes. when we hear him open the door she closes her eyes and gets more upset then we hear the door shut) CUT TO: The KOC - we see the ferris wheel going around, with balloons floating up in the air all around it. we see what looks like a mini pirate ship, then a big red banner that says HARBOR SCHOOL KICKOFF CARNIVAL, and either side it has TOYOTA. the hybrid is sitting underneath it M.C: an the winner of the Toyota highlander Hybrid is Gillian Flynn (we see two girls jumping up and down excitedly. Summer and Seth walk up and clap her. Ash and the girl from earlier walk over to them) Ash: hey Summer, totally awesome carnival, we love the mini burgers Girl: an high five for taking down Taylor Summer: (high fives) thanks guys (Ash and the girl laugh and walk off) Summer: bye, have fun (Summer doesn't look like she's enjoying herself) Seth: (notices, touches Summers arm) hey, why the sad face this is your Rooney moment Summer: I know I jus I can't (shrugs) enjoy it, not without Coop (pouts) Seth: no Summer: no, (sadly) we're never gonna go back to the way things were are we Seth: I don't know...but you worked too hard on this carnival to miss out on it Summer: I know but Cohen(closes eyes, pouts) Seth: come on (turns Summer around) one mortal ride on the tilt-a-whirl is the least we can do (pushes Summer gently) CUT TO: Cohen backyard - Ryan is sitting on the edge of the pool with his feet dangling in the water, he looks sad. Sandy walks over Sandy: I thought you'd be at the carnival Ryan: (looks up) well...it didn't really work out Sandy: (looks at Ryan) so I guess Marissa's expulsion hasn't been easy on you two huh Ryan: yeah I jus wish there was somethin I could do (softly) you know (looks at Sandy) Sandy: so you wanna fix this, the universal male instinct (shakes head) happens to the best of us (sits) Ryan: so what I'm spose'to sit here an do nothing Sandy: no you need to go back (Ryan looks at him) but jus listen Ryan: (nods, looks down) yeah jus listen Sandy: trust me...it works better than ya think (Ryan looks as though he's considering it) CUT TO: Newport Bay Yacht Club. Jimmy & Julie are at a table together having a candlelit dinner. they are both laughing. the waiter is also there Jimmy: um (laughs) could we- could we get another bottle of uh Dom Perignon Julie: mm (swallows) Jimmy: ahhh Julie: oook Daddy Warbucks (Jimmy laughs) what's the occasion Jimmy: wh- cant- cant I take you out to a nice little dinner Julie: sure it's just that I thought we agreed that tonight was Taco Bell an dancing with the stars Jimmy: well (looks at Julie) I brought you here because I wanna tell you that I...am never leaving this family again (Julie listens) I lost you once Julie an I...(softly) I'm never gonna let that happen again Julie: (smiles, closes her eyes, softly) James Jimmy: and um...with that...in mind (looks down) (Jimmy holds out a black ring box to Julie and opens it. inside is a gorgeous ring. Julie looks at it, then Jimmy) Julie: my old ring (Jimmy nods and gently slides it on Julies finger) Jimmy: (holding Julies hand, looking into her eyes) will you marry me Julie...again (raises eyebrows) Julie: (looking into Jimmy's eyes) of course (Jimmy smiles and Julie leans forward and kisses him, wrapping her other hand around his neck. Jimmy lets go of Julies hand and puts his hand on Julie's neck) CUT TO: The lifeguard tower on the beach - we see that Marissa is sitting there by herself. it's hard to tell because its dark but she seems like she's thinking. Ryan slowly walks up the ramp Ryan: want some company Marissa: ...sure (Ryan sits down next to Marissa and sighs) Ryan: ...(raises eyebrows) sorry about before Marissa: (nods slightly) I know (Ryan looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at him. Ryan holds his hand out and Marissa takes it. aww) Ryan: you know (Marissa looks at him) I was always worried that i screwed things up for myself here...get in trouble...ruin the chance the Cohen's gave me...an now I screwed things up for you Marissa: (looks at Ryan) Ryan...I'm not gonna let getting kicked out of Harbor ruin my life, an I'm not even gonna let it ruin my year, look...I know that we're not in school together anymore but (Ryan looks at her) at least we still have this last year in Newport together Ryan: (smiles) I'm listening. CUT TO: The KOC - we see the tilt-a-whirl come to stop and Summer and Seth are on it. Seth is leaning over the bar like he feels sick, and he doesn't look the best. a guy opens the bar Summer: thankyou Seth: thanks... Summer: (gets off) ugh, how're you feelin Seth: (stands, screws up his face) my stomach is far too Jewish for that ride...but I'm almost done spinning (Summer guides Seth through the exit gate - Taylor notices them standing there and goes over) Taylor: (taps Summers back) Summer (Summer turns around and looks Taylor up and down) Taylor: hi, I jus wanted ta thank you for all your little touches on the carnival...its jus its really sad that Marissa Cooper couldn't be here to see this (Summer folds her arms defensively) it must be hard having your friend ostracised from the school Summer: (looks at Taylor, annoyed) ok Taylor number one Marissa was not ostra...whatever (closes eyes) Seth: (softly, while glaring at Taylor) ostracised (Taylor looks at Seth then back at Summer) Summer: number two she happens to be on her way right now (raises eyebrows matter of factly) (Seth looks at Summer, confused) Taylor: Marissa's coming here Summer: oh I'm not done yet, an number three (to Seth) do we have a number three Seth: oh yeah we do, number three this is the best carnival this school has ever seen (points) an not jus because I cancelled Shenanigans Summer: (smiles) YEAH (raises eyebrows) Seth: yeah Summer: come on Cohen (Seth and Summer walk away. Taylor stands there by herself - the next thing we see is Seth and Summer walking passed the hybrid) Seth: (frowns) I didn't know Marissa was coming Summer: ...(wide eyed) me neither, Coop! (we see Marissa and Ryan walking towards Summer and Seth) Marissa: (smiles) hey (Marissa laughs and hugs Summer. aww) Summer: hey Marissa: aww I couldn't miss your first kickoff carnival (Ryan smiles) Summer: not bad, huh (Seth smiles) Marissa: I couldnt'a done it better myself (Summer smiles) Ryan: (to Marissa) so can I interest you in the ferris wheel (Marissa looks at Summer and Seth) Summer: mm (smiles) (Seth and Summer walk off. Ryan has his arm around Marissa and they follow) Marissa: what were you saying (Taylor sees that Marissa is at the carnival, she watches them and looks like she's up to something) CUT TO: Lake Arrowhead - we see the cottage in the distance, and a light is on. we then hear footsteps and see Kirsten slowly making her way down the stairs. when she's almost at the bottom we hear faint crying/whimpering Kirsten: Charlotte... (we see Charlotte sitting on a bench with her head buried in her knees, crying) Kirsten: (worried) Charlotte, what's wrong Charlotte: (looks up, wipes her face) I'm sorry, did I wake you Kirsten: (sits opposite) no no I was up, what's the matter Charlotte: um (sniffs) ...I haven't...I haven't been totall

Plan: A: Kirsten; Q: Who does Sandy try to encourage to come home? A: Charlotte; Q: Who is Kirsten's friend that keeps her at rehab? A: Harbor; Q: What is the name of the school? A: Summer; Q: Who is not pleased with Taylor Townsend arranging the school's Kick-Off carnival? A: an unexpected proposal; Q: What does Jimmy have for Julie? Summary: Sandy tries to encourage Kirsten to come home, but her friendship with Charlotte keeps her at rehab. The new Dean of Discipline determines Ryan and Marissa's fates at Harbor. Meanwhile, Summer is not pleased with Taylor Townsend arranging the school's Kick-Off carnival. Jimmy has an unexpected proposal for Julie.

ACT THREE Scene One - Lounge at Wayside Inn [SCENE_BREAK] The lounge off the dining room of the Wayside Inn. Frasier enters with a Miss Carney, the hostess. Carney: This is the lounge. And through there is the dining area where the rehearsal dinner will be. Frasier: Oh, this is lovely. Say, have you seen the bride-to-be yet? I'd like to have a word with her. Carney: No, I haven't. Donny and Daphne enter from the dining area. Donny: So, I thought we'd have the toast right before desert. Daphne: Dr. Crane! Frasier: Gosh Daphne, I was wondering where you'd gotten to yesterday. Daphne: Well, after the caterer's, I went straight to Donny's so we could leave bright and early together. It's lovely up here, isn't it? Frasier: Oh, yes. Donny: Anybody else want something from the bar? [To bartender] Uh, Scotch, rocks. Daphne: Donny, it's barely noon! Donny: Isn't that when your mom said she'd be here? Daphne: [to bartender] Give him a double. Frasier: Daphne, I was actually hoping that I could- Roz enters. Roz: Oh, I'll have whatever he's having. Daphne: Roz! Roz: I don't even know why I agreed to come to this wedding. Hi, Daphne. I was all set to drive up here myself, when I think, "Wait a minute! I can't walk into that lobby alone, what if my ex-boyfriend's here?" So I agree to drive up with Simon. There I am, standing on the curb with my garment bag and what does he pull up in? Your father's Winnebago! She gets her drink from the bartender. Roz: Thank you. Don't go anywhere. [to the others] Next thing I know, we're headed down the highway, in the wrong direction, towards the airport. The bartender turns away. Roz: Hey! I wasn't kidding. [to Daphne] Turns out he's promised to ferry your entire family up here. Daphne: All fourteen of them? Roz: Fifteen. Your Aunt Ida got the weekend off from the bakery. Judging by the size of her, it'll be the first Saturday they turn a profit. Frasier: You know, Donny, maybe you could take Roz out for a walk in that rejuvenating country air? While I have a word with your fiancée? Donny: Come on Roz, let's go. Roz grabs the bottle the bartender is pouring from. Roz: You don't mind if I just take this with me, do you? Barkeep: Well, uh... Roz: I didn't think so. She and Donny exit. Frasier and Daphne sit at a table. Frasier: Daphne, I wanted you to know that I am just completely devastated by what happened. Daphne: It's all right, Dr. Crane. Frasier: It's just that when I advised you to have a chat with Niles, I had no idea that he'd run off and get married. Daphne: I know you're concerned for me, but I'm fine. I thought about it all last night and I realize that what I was feeling was just wedding jitters. I do love your brother, but I'm in love with Donny. Frasier: You're not just putting on a brave face? Daphne: No. I'm a bit embarrassed now, making you worry for no reason... Frasier: Oh, it's all right, Daphne. It's what I do. Daphne: You've always been such a wonderful friend. In fact, I brought this for the honeymoon, [takes the '45 Petrus out of her bag] but I'd like you to have it. Frasier: Oh, Daphne, I couldn't. Daphne: No, Donny and I aren't wine drinkers. Frasier: I wouldn't dream of it, really. Daphne: All right then, I'll keep it. Frasier: [reaching out] Oh, now I've hurt your feelings. Here... [They laugh] Oh gosh, Daphne. I tell you what: I promise that when I do drink this, I'll be thinking of you. Daphne: Oh, come here. Frasier: Oh, Daph... As they hug, an elderly woman comes in behind them. Mum: There's my baby! Daphne: Mummy! She runs over and hugs her. Daphne: Mum, this is... Mum: Oh, I know who he is, love. [To Frasier] I want to thank you, Donny, for rescuing my daughter from that horrible Dr. Crane. Frasier: Well, actually... Mum: Every time I call her, I'm not on the phone five minutes, before that tyrant is ordering her to hang up. [To bartender] Cup of tea, please. Thought my daughter might get me one, but she didn't. [She sits] Oh, this seat's worse than that Winnebago! Though not half as uncomfortable as that sardine- tin of a room you arranged for me. Frasier brings her tea. Mum: Oh, God, can't bear the smell of that, take it away. Reminds me of the salmon they served on that airplane. Oh, if it doesn't have me hurling me guts out, it'll be by God's own intervention. Now, give your new mom a kiss, Donny. Daphne: Actually, Mum, this isn't Donny. Donny: [entering] Oh, is this Mum? Daphne: This is Donny! Donny: Hi! Mum: Well, come here, let's have a good look at you. [To Frasier] We were starting to think our Daphne would never find herself a young man. [Looks at Donny] And I see she hasn't. But, beggars can't be choosers. [Gets up] Well, I'm gonna see if your father's stomach is feeling any better. He keeps saying it's tension! What he's got to be tense about, I'll never know. She leaves, the others look at each other. Daphne: [cheerfully] I was worried she'd be in one of her dark moods. [SCENE_BREAK] THE REHEARSAL DINNER Scene Two - The Lounge - Evening [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier is sitting at the bar. Martin and Donny come in from the dining area. Other guests can be heard through the doors. Donny: Boy, Daphne's brothers know how to let loose, don't they? Martin: I'll say. Now listen, about their names: the one who'll eat anything on a bet, that's Nigel... Donny: No, no, that's Peter. Nigel's the one whose band-aid he ate. See you later. He leaves and Martin goes to the bar. Martin: Hey, Fras. Had enough? Frasier: Oh, yeah. I think I hit my limit when I looked down in the middle of my toast and there was a man chewing on my boutonnière. Martin: Ah, God, it's been a hell of a week. I STILL can't get over Niles and Mel. Frasier: Didn't see that one coming. Martin: Well, at least he say she makes him happy. So, there's nothin' you can do about it, right? Frasier: Actually... Martin: Fras! Don't even think about trying to talk him out of it. He's married, end of story. Frasier: It's really not that simple Dad. You see... Ah, I shouldn't be talking to you about this. Martin: Is this about Daphne? Frasier: Why do you say that? Martin: Oh, come on. I've got eyes, I know something's going on. I've seen the way she's been looking at him. Frasier: She found out how Niles has felt about her all these years. Martin: You're kidding! How'd she find out? Frasier: That's not important right now, Dad. The problem is that she told me she thinks she might have the same feelings for him. Martin: Oh, geez... Frasier: 'Course then Niles shows up married, now she says it's just jitters. Martin: Well, you can't tell Niles all this, he says he's happy with Mel. Frasier: She says she's happy with Donny. But I'm not sure I believe either one of them. Martin: Just remember Fras, there are two marriages on the line here. So, before you get involved, you better make damn sure you know what you're doing. They sit in silence for a moment. Martin: Who blabbed? Roz? Frasier: Yes, but she feels terrible. Simon enters with his sleeves rolled up. He pats the boys on the back, also drying his wet hands on their jackets. Simon: Hello, boys! Pack of smokes, please, barkeep. Ah, lovely spot, isn't it? I just took a nice little stroll outside, around the wishing well. Barkeep: That'll be four dollars, please. Simon: Oh, yeah, right. He pulls a bunch of coins out of his pockets and drops them on the bar. Simon: This oughta cover it. Roz comes in from the dining room with a young man in tow. Roz: Tim! What a surprise! I had no idea you'd be here. Simon? Come here. Simon: Oh, showtime. He grabs Frasier's drink and goes over. Roz: Simon, this is my old friend Tim. He's a computer programmer. Simon: Oh, what a coincidence, with me owning my own software company. Tim: Really? What sort of applications are you focused on? Simon: Voice recognition, data encryption, a little something I'm working on for NASA, can't discuss that one. Tim: Very impressive. And Roz? Are you still producing? Simon: Oh, I'll say she is! He gives her a smack on the behind. She gives him a shocked glare and they go into the dining area. Tim goes out the front as Daphne and Donny enter. Donny: Mind if we join you guys? Martin: Sure. Frasier: Please, there's plenty of room. Martin: [to bartender] Uh, give me a beer, please Daphne: Sorry we didn't get a toast out of you, Mr. Crane. Martin: Oh, I'm sorry. I really wanted to, Daphne, but I just felt kind of awkward. Daphne: Oh, It's all right. Anyway, I should be toasting you. I'm gonna miss you, you rotten old sod. Barkeep: Ballantine okay? Martin: Oh, yeah, that's my beer! The bartender gives him a mug. Martin: Yes. You know, I just found out they're gonna quit making this stuff? Frasier: Really? Martin: Yeah. Frasier: There's the end of an era. Martin: That's right. It's gonna be one sad day when I get down to my last one. You know, it's funny. You get used to having something in your life. It's part of your day, you just take it for granted. Then, suddenly it's gone and you realize how much it meant to you. Daphne, moved, puts her hand on his arm, Martin makes a little "Oh, go on" gesture. Niles enters from the dining area with Mel. Niles: Hey, guys! Great party. Frasier: Oh, Mel, why don't you take my seat, I'm going to sit here and just enjoy the music. Martin: I'll join you, Fras. Take my beer over there? I just want to go to the rest room. Frasier takes the beer to a table, as Martin exits. Donny: You know, seeing as how this is my last night as a carefree bachelor, [to Mel] would you care to dance, Miss? Mel: I'd love to. Niles: Uh, oh. Mel and Donny go to the dance floor, Niles sits down next to Daphne. Niles: Well, you certainly picked the perfect spot for your wedding. Daphne: It is, isn't it? We're doing the ceremony in the garden. Niles: Mmm, it'll be beautiful. A moment of silence. Daphne: I love this song. Niles: Well, where are my manners? Would you like to dance? Daphne: All right! Give us a chance to keep an eye on those two. They go to the floor and start dancing. As the scene progresses they get closer and smoother. Niles: Ahh, it's been a while since we danced together. Daphne: Yes, it has. Niles: Thanks for dinner. It's been a wonderful evening. Daphne: It's one of those times you just don't want to end. They end up cheek to cheek, almost melting in each others arms, just as the number finishes. Donny: Excuse me, sir. Mind if I cut in? Niles: Not at all. Donny: Thank you. He and Daphne begin to dance. Niles: Darling. He and Mel begin to dance. Frasier has been watching this and sees Niles glance at Daphne then, as he turns away, Daphne look at Niles. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT THREE ACT FOUR Scene One - Frasier's Hotel Room [SCENE_BREAK] In Frasier's hotel room, which has connecting doors to those of Donny/Daphne and Niles/Mel. A draped door leads to a balcony. There are twin beds with wing chairs at the foot of each. The door opens and Frasier and Niles come in. Niles: What in the world was so urgent that you brought me all the way up here? Frasier: Niles, just sit down. There's something I need to discuss with you. They sit down on the beds facing each other. Frasier: I was watching you on the dance floor just now, and the look in your eyes was unmistakable. Niles: Well, can you blame me? Mel's quite the little dancer. Of course her vertigo rules out any serious twirling, but... Frasier: Niles, I'm talking about Daphne. The way you were looking at her... well, it just breaks my heart. Niles: Frasier, it was one thing when you were beating this drum the other day, but I'm married now. What's it going to take to convince you that I am over her? Frasier: She knows. Niles: What? Frasier: Daphne knows that you have feelings for her. She's known for some time. Niles: How? Frasier: Well, it's a long story. but... I think Roz said something. Anyway, she knows! Niles: I knew you thought my marriage to Mel was hasty, but to poison it like this... [He gets up and heads for the door] I'm not going to listen to this. Frasier: Niles, Daphne feels the same way about you! Niles turns, stunned. Frasier: At least I think she does. She told me as much the other day and then denied once you got married. But I saw the way she was looking at you downstairs just now. Niles: Oh, my God. Frasier: Niles, I'm not in the habit of breaking up people's marriages. But how could I not tell you? You're my brother, I love you. There is a knock at the door. Mel: [from outside] Niles, darling? Niles: [opening the door] Yes, honey. Mel: You left with our only room key. Niles: Here, I'll let you through this way. I am so sorry. Mel: Oh, it's all right. You have a whole lifetime to make it up to me. She kisses him and goes into their room. Niles closes the door behind her and begins gasping for air. He is in full-blown, hyperventilating panic-attack mode. He staggers to a chair and sits. Niles: This is awful. I love Mel. It's just... Frasier: I know, I know... Niles: [thinks for a moment] I have to talk to Daphne. Come with me. Maybe while I'm speaking to her, you can find some way to occupy - [they open the door, revealing - ] Donny! Daphne! Donny: Hey, doc. Things are getting a little too wild for us down there. Niles: Oh well, it's just as well. We all have a very big day tomorrow. About that, Daphne could I have a word with you? Daphne: All right. Donny: Yeah, you go ahead. I'm just gonna get out of these shoes and I'll see you in a few minutes. He goes off to their room. Frasier: You know, I'll just brave the hordes, see if I can't get myself a nightcap. Uh, good night. He leaves, Daphne enters. Niles: So, Daphne... Daphne: Yes? Niles: May I offer you something to drink? Daphne: Um, no thank you. Niles: Oh, all right. Anyway, Daphne... Daphne: Perhaps an Orangina. Niles: Oh, all right, maybe I'll join you. Daphne: [sitting in one of the chairs] Funny thing about Orangina: I never buy Orangina at home, but whenever I'm in a hotel and there's a mini-bar, it's the first thing I go for. Orangina... Niles has gotten two bottles from the mini-bar and gives her one. He sits in the other chair so they are side by side and not facing each other. Niles: Anyway, I was just talking to Frasier about a conversation you two had. Daphne: Oh, dear! Niles: No, no. Don't get upset. Daphne: I specifically asked him not to say anything. What was he thinking? She gets up and goes to the desk by the main door. Niles: [getting up to follow her] No, I'm glad he told me. Daphne: Oh, yes! So we can have a big talk about it! That's what you psychiatrists always do, drag everything out into the open so we can work through it. No matter how awkward it might be. Well, I just don't see the point! Niles: No, Daphne, I'm glad he told me - because I love you. Daphne is stunned. Then Martin comes through the door, with wet hair. Martin: Ah, excuse me. Niles: Dad... Martin: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were in here with Frasier. The boys are playing a game called "William Tell" with the seltzer hose. He laughs, then finally sees Daphne. Martin: Oh. Uh, well, anyway... why don't you two go on doing whatever you were doing and I'll just, uh, I'll be down in the lobby. By the fireplace. He leaves. Daphne: Dr. Crane, you shouldn't say such things. Niles: It's the truth. Lord knows, I have tried to deny it, tried to pretend that I am over you, but not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. Your smile, your beautiful eyes, what it would be like to hold your hands and ask you the question I never dared ask! Donny: [coming through the connecting door] What's the difference between a blister and a boil? Daphne: Donny! Donny: God, I took my shoe off and it was like I was growing another ankle bone down here. Doc, you went to med school, what am I supposed to do with this? Lance it or something? Niles: Oh, well, I. You know, as I recall the best thing for that would be to soak it in tepid water for at least half an hour. Donny: All right. What luck! Can you imagine a worse thing to have happen to me on the night before my wedding? He leaves. Daphne: I don't understand! How come you never said anything before? Niles: Daphne, I wanted to. I just... the timing just never seemed right. Daphne: Oh, and the timing's right now? I'm twelve hours from the altar and you're on your honeymoon! Niles: I would never have gotten married if I thought there was the slightest chance that you shared my feelings. Trust me, Daphne, say the word and I will leave Mel in a heartbeat. Mel: [coming through HER connecting door] Niles? Niles: Darling! Mel: I was just looking over these brochures for our honeymoon. Hi Daphne! [To Niles] Now, the Denali has a step-down tub, but the Greeley has the most romantic view of the Grand Canal. What do you think? Niles: I think a woman with your exquisite taste can handle this decision. Mel: [to Daphne] Oh, he says that now. Wait 'til the honeymoon's over. She leaves. Daphne: Don't the doors in this bloody place lock?! Niles: I'll get this one, you get that one. They lock the connecting doors, Niles locks the main door. Niles: Daphne? It is not too late for us. I meant what I said when I said I would leave her. Daphne: That's crazy! Niles: No, no, it's NOT crazy. Not if you feel the same way I do. But I need you to tell me, and I can accept it if the answer is "No." How do you feel about me? Simon comes in the main door. Simon: Pardon. Daphne: Simon! How did you get in here? Simon: Well, Frasier loaned me his key, in a manner of speaking. He opens the mini-bar and begins grabbing bottles. Simon: I have to get some things from the mini-bar, here. Don't want to get caught empty-handed when last call comes. He looks from Daphne to Niles and back. Simon: You're not havin' a last call of your own in here, are you, Stilts? Daphne: Of course not! Simon: Riiight. This isn't the chap whose baby you're havin', is it? Niles: Excuse me?! Daphne: I'm not pregnant! Nigel: [coming in the door] Oi, Simon! Bit o' bad news. Daphne: Nigel! Nigel: Peter's gotten sick into the piano, so we've been asked to vacate the bar. Simon: Bloody hell, Daphne! Nice hotel you picked! Well Nigel, I'm sure Daphne won't mind if we help ourselves to the contents of her mini-bar. 'Way you go. Nigel: Right. [Shouting down the hall] Give us a hand, lads! Daphne: Nigel-! A veritable horde comes pouring through the door - Daphne's brothers, followed by Mum and some other guests. Daphne: Stephen, Peter, David, Michael, Billy! What are you all doing in here? Mum: So here you all are. What is the point of bringing the party down to the Winnebago when there's a perfectly nice room right here? Niles slips out the balcony door. Daphne: You're not moving the party in here! Mum: Oh, Daphne, don't get your blood pressure up! You've got your baby to think of. Here, have a drink and relax. Daphne heads for the balcony. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: the balcony. Niles is standing at the rail, looking out. Daphne comes through the door behind him. Daphne: I'm sorry about all that. Niles: I must be in love. It doesn't even bother me that you come with them. Lovely night isn't it? Daphne: Mmm. Niles: The stars are out, nice breeze, [he inhales deeply] mmm, night-blooming jasmine. Of course there's the beautiful girl... Daphne: Dr. Crane, I still haven't answered your question. Niles: Yes, I know. That's why I keep talking. In case I don't get the answer I want, I can at least make this moment last a little longer. [Then, for a moment his old fussy self] Not sure if it's jasmine or orange blossoms. You know, a lot of times... Daphne: Oh, for God's sake, Dr. Crane! She throws herself at him and kisses him deeply. Niles: [as the kiss breaks] I think you can call me "Niles" now. He leans in and they kiss again. Then Daphne brings her hands down and pushes back. Daphne: [shaking her head] No. I don't think I can. I do love you, but I can't do this. Niles: Wh-, whe-, uh... I know it will be difficult, but I will get a divorce, and you can call off the wedding. Daphne: I can't! Donny is a dear and wonderful man, and I made a promise to him. And Mel! You made more than a promise to her! And we're supposed to forget that? And for what? We have no idea how we'd be together. For heaven's sake, we've never even been on a date. Niles: Daphne, take it from someone who knows: you don't want to spend half your life thinking about a chance you didn't take. Daphne: I'm sorry. My mind's made up. I think we should say good night now. Niles obviously wants to say more, but knows it's too late. Niles: [finally says] Good night, Daphne. Daphne: Good night, Dr. Crane. She goes back in, leaving Niles standing alone. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - The Winnebago. [SCENE_BREAK] Niles, looking VERY dejected, is sitting in the driver's seat of the Winnebago. The door opens and Frasier and Martin come in. Martin: Hey, Niles. Niles: Don't tell me the ceremony's over already. Martin: Oh, no, it hasn't even started yet. Frasier: Actually, we saw you heading over this way and we thought you could use some company. Niles: I just felt like some privacy. This is one wedding I couldn't see myself handling very well. Martin: Ah, lots of people cry at weddings. Niles: Yeah, but not so many end up wailing and rending their garments. I appreciate your coming over but I'd hate for you to miss it on my account. Frasier: Well, actually it's been delayed a bit. You see, the justice of the peace started out asking the witnesses to step forward, and three of Daphne's brothers just ran off into the woods. He chuckles. There is a knock on the door. Frasier: Ah. He opens the door. A waiter is there. He is carrying a tray with the '45 Petrus and three glasses. Frasier: Hello. Waiter: Here's your wine, sir. Frasier: Yes, thank you very much, young man. [tipping him] And this is for you. Thank you. The waiter leaves. Niles: What is this? Frasier: Well, I got to thinking about our old friend Morrie and how he kept this bottle of wine his entire life, waiting for a special occasion. And then I thought, "What occasion am I saving it for?" And then I thought about what a courageous thing you did last night, taking that chance. And that's worth a toast. [Starts to open the wine] Niles: No, no, Frasier, don't... Frasier: No, too late, the foil is pierced. Martin: I know this thing between you and Mel seems kinda bad right now... Niles: Oh, Dad, why do you say that? Just because I spent the third night of my marriage proposing to another woman? Martin: Well, I'm just saying a marriage can survive all kinds of stuff. You know? You might still be happy. Ten years from now, this could all be ancient history. Niles: I hope you're right. Frasier: All right gentlemen, here we are now. [Passes out the wine] Dad, Niles, allow me. [Raises his glass] To better days. They clink glasses and sip. All of them make confused, unhappy faces. Niles: Dad, where did Morrie keep this? Martin: In his wine rack. Frasier: Which is...? Martin: In the boiler room. Frasier: Oh, lord. I'll just save this little treat for later. Niles: Yes, well, thanks for the thought. You two should be running along. I'll be fine. Martin: All right. Well, take care, Niles. Frasier: You know, I saw a waiter, passing champagne just outside. I'll have him bring you a glass so you can... Niles: Get the taste out, yes. Thank you, Frasier. Frasier and Martin exit. Niles leans back in the seat, once again looking very melancholy. There is a knock at the door. Niles: Come in. The door opens and Daphne, in her wedding dress, steps in. Daphne: Hello. Niles: [rising] Daphne... Daphne: I was wondering... if you might be free for a date? Niles: [rushing to embrace her] Oh, my God, yes! Daphne: [separating them] There's plenty of time for that later. Let's get this bloody boat moving! Daphne rushes to the front passenger seat and Niles helps her with the skirts and train of her dress. Niles: What, you mean now? Daphne: There's about a hundred people back there I'm not so keen on seeing. Niles: [giddy] Well, all right, let's go then. He sits in the driver's seat and starts the engine, then grabs for the safety belt. Niles: Fasten your seat belt, Daphne. Daphne: Fasten yours, Niles. Niles looks at her, puts the Road Warrior in gear, grabs the wheel and pulls away, as we: [SCENE_BREAK] [N.B. Two alternate versions of this ending were written and filmed - the other going the opposite way. Both were shown to the episode's live studio audience, who, unsurprisingly, preferred this one.] END OF ACT FOUR

Plan: A: Niles; Q: Who is Daphne's love interest? A: Donny; Q: Who is Daphne marrying? Summary: Niles and Daphne reckon with their true feelings for one another at her wedding to Donny.

ACT ONE Scene One - Café Nervosa. The café is packed. Frasier and Roz are sitting at a table when Niles comes in. Niles: Frasier, Roz! Uh, I'd join you, but there's not a chair- Roz: Oh, actually I was just leaving. You can have mine. As Roz gets up, Niles reaches into his jacket. Roz: Niles! [grabs his arm] Every time I give you my chair, you wipe it off first. It's just insulting! Niles: For your information, I was reaching for my cell phone. Roz lets go. His hand comes out with his phone, and he starts dialing. Roz: Oh. I'm sorry, Niles. I stepped out of line. See you later, Frasier. Frasier: Bye-bye, Roz. Roz leaves. The phone behind the counter rings. Waiter: Café Nervosa. Niles: [into phone] Yes, this is Dr. Crane at Table Seven. Could you send someone over to dust off my chair? Frasier: Oh, for God's sake! I'll do it! He snatches Niles's handkerchief and wipes the chair down. Niles protests, checking out the window for Roz. Frasier: That's the most ridiculous thing I've seen in my entire life! Stop it, just sit down! They sit. A waiter brings Frasier's coffee. Niles: May I have one of those, please? [to Frasier] So, I understand you had a full dance card this weekend? Frasier: Yes, indeed. I met a lovely young artist at the gallery opening on Saturday. We went out for coffee afterwards, and our date lasted until, well... the cows didn't actually come home, but I did hear mooing on the front porch! [laughs] Niles: Wait, I'm drawing a blank. The only woman I remember you chatting with at the gallery was the one in the Birkenstocks who went on and on about her driftwood collages. [sniggers] Frasier: Yes, that's Caitlin. Niles: Oh! Frasier: Well, obviously we seem different on the surface. But once you get to know her, trust me, she is really a breath of fresh air. God, I haven't felt this excited about a relationship in ages! Niles: Well, that's wonderful, Frasier! [the waiter brings his coffee] Thank you. So, is she from around here? Frasier: Oh, it didn't come up. Niles: Oh, I see. Well, uh, where'd she go to school? Frasier: She didn't mention it. Niles: Probably art school. Frasier: Well, yes. Niles: Being an artist, I'm sure she is enthusiastic about the finer things - literature, music... Frasier: Uh, I don't know, we never got around to that. Niles: You know what, I think I'm putting you on the spot here. Let's just leave it at congratulations on your new... relationship. Frasier: What are you implying? Niles: Oh, I think we both know what kind of relationship we're talking about. Frasier: Would you stop saying the word "relationship" that way? - relationship. Niles: I'm not condemning you for your little... fling- Frasier: Oh, for God's sake. Niles: Just don't try to pass it off as something deeper than it is. The only thing you two have in common is the faint impression of the word "Sealy" on your backsides. Frasier: Listen, Niles, I would never stay in a relationship if I didn't think there was some real future in it. Niles: In other words, if you were to realize that the two of you had nothing in common beyond the physical, you'd break it off? Frasier: Yes, absolutely! In a heartbeat! It's a principle of mine - you know, this topic comes up all the time on my show. What do I always say? Niles: Um... Frasier: Surely you must listen occasionally! Niles: Of course I listen occasionally. It's just I'm usually busy between eleven and one. Frasier: My show is on from two to five. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Apartment Martin and Daphne are in the kitchen. While Daphne leans out the doorway, Martin places a candle on a cupcake. Martin: I can't wait to see the look on his face. Daphne: Me, too. He doesn't have a clue. Martin: [lights the candle] Good. All set. In the living room, Frasier is setting the table for dinner. Martin and Daphne come out with the cupcake, singing: Martin/Daphne: Happy birthday to you... Frasier: Oh, dear God. They walk past Frasier to Eddie, who is sitting in Martin's Armchair. Martin puts the cupcake in front of Eddie, while Daphne fits a tiny party hat over his head. Martin/Daphne: Happy birthday, Dear Eddie, Happy birthday to you! Martin: OK, let's do it together. He puts his face next to Eddie's and makes a small puff. The candle goes out. Martin: Good boy! Great! That was terrific! The doorbell rings. Daphne: I wonder if he made a wish? Frasier: I know I did. Frasier opens the door to Niles. Frasier: Niles! Niles: Hello, Frasier. Dad, Daphne, step lively! We don't want to miss the previews. Martin: In a minute. Come on, birthday boy, I haven't given you your present yet! [confidentially, to the boys] I got him a brand-new rubber eeseburger-chay. He carries Eddie to his room. Niles: So, Frasier, can we convince you to join us? Daphne: Oh, I don't think so, Dr. Crane. Your brother's been slaving away in the kitchen all afternoon. Frasier: Actually, I'm having Caitlin over for dinner. Niles: Oh... for dinner. The doorbell rings again. Frasier: I'll thank you to stop with your sniggering insinuations that Caitlin and I share nothing but the physical! There are many things that we do share. [opens door] Caitlin! Caitlin - a brunette in her twenties with a decidedly hippie style of dress - throws her arms around Frasier's neck and kisses him deeply. Niles: [to Daphne] Now they're sharing a Tic-Tac. They break apart. Frasier: Let me take your coat. [hangs it up] Oh, you remember Niles, of course. And this is Daphne, Caitlin. Caitlin: [shaking hands] Hello. Daphne: Hello. Don't worry, we'll be out of your way in a minute, just as soon as I can tear Mr. Crane away from Eddie. Frasier: Yes, he's having a little birthday party for his dog. Caitlin: Oh, how old is he? Frasier: Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog. Anyway, can I interest you a drink? I've just opened a bottle of Conte de Bruillet! Caitlin: Oh, you must have been saving it. Burgogne hasn't made a decent Beaujolais in years. Frasier: [smugly] Well, do you hear that, Niles? Our Caitlin is a fellow oenophile! Frasier pours two glasses. Caitlin: When I was little, my father owned a vineyard. I was the only kid on the block who would open a can of Hawaiian punch and let it breathe! Frasier: And we share that same quirky sense of humor! [offers second glass] Would you care for a glass? Caitlin: No thanks. Actually, I've always hated the taste of wine. Niles: Finally, something I can use to tell you two apart. [takes the glass] Frasier: A martini, then? Caitlin: I cut out alcohol last year, along with processed sugar, dairy products and meat... Oh, I hope I'm not screwing up your menu! What are you serving? Frasier: Well, so far, parsley. But we'll make do. Let me get you a glass of mineral water. Caitlin: Thanks. Frasier: Please, help yourself to the melon slices. Just... unwind the prosciutto. He goes to the kitchen. Niles follows him. Niles: Frasier, I owe you an apology. You two are perfectly compatible. How long will it be before we're all standing outside a wedding chapel, pelting you both with whole-grain brown rice? Frasier: Spare me your sarcasm. Niles: Oh, come on. Let me have my fun. You're certainly having yours, even if you deny that that's what you're doing. Frasier: Niles, I've already told you, I would never continue in a relationship if I didn't think there was a real future, and I happen to believe that there is in this one! Have you ever heard of "opposites attracting?" Where I am worldly, Caitlin is... unspoiled. Niles: Rather remarkable, given her terror of preservatives. They come out of the kitchen. Caitlin is standing with Martin and Daphne. Caitlin: Oh, Frasier, I just met your dad! Did you know we're both Libras? Martin: Which explains why I'm so "perky, open-minded, and quick to tears." Caitlin: And don't forget "Outgoing." Martin: No, I didn't. [heads for the door] All right, everybody coming? Caitlin: Well, it was nice meeting you all! Niles: Yes, nice to meet you too, Caitlin. Frasier: I'll walk you to the door. Niles: All right. Frasier: [whispering] Will you stop smirking! It's going to take more than a harmless dabbling in astrology to dim the charm of this appealing young woman. Caitlin sits in Martin's Armchair and reclines backward. Caitlin: Oh my God! This is the coolest chair! Frasier: [off Niles' look] Just get out! He pushes Niles out and closes the door. [SCENE_BREAK] DON JUAN IN HELL Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment The next morning. Frasier is sitting on the piano bench, nursing a cup of coffee. He looks preoccupied. Martin comes out. Martin: Morning, Frasier. Frasier: Morning, Dad. Martin: What's the matter? Frasier: It's Caitlin. I'm in hell. Last night I experienced the most intense physical pleasure I've ever known. Martin: Frasier, before you continue, I shared my bed last night with a dog. Frasier: Well, that's not the problem, Dad. It's just that there's absolutely no future for me and Caitlin. Martin: Well, I got to say I never thought there was. She's a flake. Frasier: Well, that's not the point. Granted, there are aspects of her personality that I find off-putting- Martin: Like her being a flake. Frasier: Well, all right! It's just difficult to walk away from something so intoxicating. Martin: Fras, I'm just gonna say one thing: watch out for this woman. I know how these things work. Frasier: You've experienced something like this? Martin: I didn't say that. I just know the type. Today she's got you going against your better judgment. Pretty soon, you'll be thinking about her all the time - losing sleep, missing work, neglecting your friends... [drifting off] and then pretty soon you'll get caught naked with her in the backseat of your squad car... [snaps back] But anyway, the point is, the longer you put this thing off, the harder it's going to be to end it. Frasier: You're absolutely right, Dad. Got to nip this thing in the bud. I'm going to go over there right now. Doing anything else would just make me a hypocrite. [gets up and heads for the door] You know, just yesterday I dedicated an entire theme show to the importance of self-control. Martin: You did? Frasier: Doesn't anybody listen? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Caitlin's Apartment Frasier stands outside Caitlin's door. He hesitates for a moment, then sighs and knocks. Caitlin: [o.s.] Who is it? Frasier: Frasier. Caitlin: Oh my God! Why didn't you call first? Oh, I'm working on one of my collages. I'm covered in paint, I've got turpentine in my hair, I'm all sweaty- Frasier: It'll only take a moment, I need to talk to you about something. Caitlin: Oh, all right. But be nice! She opens the door, looking exactly as she described. Frasier: Well, actually I... [chuckles] Good lord, you really do look... [whispering] Good lord! They grab each other and kiss passionately. Still hanging on to her, he stumbles inside and slams the door. END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment Evening: Daphne opens the door to Roz, who's carrying some files. Roz: Daphne, is Frasier here? Daphne: No, he's not back yet. Roz: He was supposed to meet me at the Café over an hour ago to finish this paperwork! Now he can just do it himself. [drops it on the table] Can I use your powder room? Daphne: Yeah, of course. Roz goes into the powder room. Niles comes out of the kitchen with a tray of wine glasses. Niles: Obviously Frasier's attempt to break up with Caitlin has gone awry again. Thanks to him I have missed the wine tasting. What kind of weak-willed man allows a woman to come between him and a 1981 Cheval Blanc? Daphne: You know, just out of curiosity, why didn't you go by yourself instead of sit here with me for half an hour? Niles: I was worried about him, Daphne, worried sick. Daphne nods and turns around. Niles smells her hair yet again. Frasier comes in the front door. Frasier: Hello, all. Niles: Oh... Daphne: Dr. Crane, were you at Caitlin's all this time? Frasier: Heavens, no! I, uh, I stopped by early this morning. We've decided to go our separate ways. And then, I, uh, met up with Roz, went over some paperwork... Roz emerges from the powder room behind him. Frasier: You know how she is these days. You know, get her on one of her troubles and yak-yak-yak-yak-yak! Roz closes the door. Frasier: And yet she makes every story so interesting I could listen to her for hours... Roz: Knock it off, Frasier. Where have you been? Frasier: Oh well, where do you think I've been? Trying to break up with Caitlin! But did I do it? No! And why? Because I'm Frasier, and I'm a sex-oholic! Roz: It's obvious what's happening here. You are having a purely sexual fling. It happens to all of us at some time in our lives. The one where the chemistry is perfect? Where you can't even be alone together in a room without tearing each other's clothes off and jumping each other - I mean, does this sound familiar? Frasier/Daphne: Yes... Niles: [a second too late] Yeah... Daphne: Everyone's had a relationship like that! I know I have. His name was... no, I can't tell you! Everyone urges her to spill. Daphne: It's too embarrassing! Niles: We're all friends here, we're trying to help Frasier. Daphne: Yeah, well, it was so long ago, I don't even remember all the details. Niles: Take a minute. Daphne: Well... it all started one afternoon when I was sunbathing on the roof of our building. I was concerned about tan lines in those days. So, I decided to unhook my bikini top- [phone rings] I'll get it. She goes to the phone, not noticing Niles twitch in his seat. Roz: Gosh, mine was this lifeguard. He had long blond hair and the bluest eyes. He used to get so sunburned, I'd spend hours just peeling the skin off his back. What was his name? Rick? Nick! I know there was an "ick" sound. Frasier: I was about to make one of those myself. Daphne comes back and hangs up the phone. Daphne: My mother picks the worst times to call. Did I miss anything? Niles: No, nothing. I believe you were starting to tell us a story? Daphne: Oh yeah, that's right. Well, once I got my top off, I started thinking to myself, "You know, I've never had an all-over tan." So, I looked about to see if I was still alone, then I started to slip off my- [oven timer dings] Oh, the rolls are done. She goes to the kitchen, missing Niles's second, harder twitch. Roz: We haven't heard anything from you, Niles. Frasier: Oh, I don't think we're exactly in Niles's wheelhouse! [laughs] Niles: I beg your pardon? Frasier: Come on, Niles, I've heard your stories. They're not the steamiest stuff. Niles: Obviously you've forgotten the semester I spent living in Paris. I'll have you know I had a torrid affair with a married woman. Roz: Really? Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Niles. I had no idea. Niles: It's not something I boast about. The attraction was simply overpowering. Every Thursday, two o'clock, the Hotel De Boulogne. We'd arrive separately, climb the stairs, open the door... Ooh-la-la. Oh, what an embrace! Afterwards, she'd whisper to me, "There's something so sweet in your eyes, and it"- Frasier: "Does me so much good," said Emma Bovary! If you're going to steal a love life, don't steal from the classics, you imbecile! Niles blanches, then slowly turns to look at Roz, who's staring at him. Niles: The part about being in Paris is true. Daphne comes back with a basket of rolls. Daphne: Here we are! Got them out of the oven just in time. Another minute and I would have had burned buns. Niles: Which brings us back to your story! Daphne: Well, there I was wearing nothing but a smile, when the sun started to shift. So I moved behind the water tower, and who was lying there but Derek - the good-looking fireman from across the hall? Who was also getting an all-over tan, I might add! So, I had two choices. I could either tiptoe away or- [kettle whistles] Tea. Niles: [exploding out of his seat] No, sit! My God, must Daphne do everything around here?! Roz: I'll get it. I could use a glass of ice water anyway. Frasier: You're not the only one. Let me give you a hand. In the kitchen, Roz turns down the stove, then gets a bottle of mineral water from the refrigerator. Roz: So, is any of this helping? Frasier: Not much. Roz: You know, I've got to make a point here. For as long as I've known you, you've been complaining about your lack of a s*x life. Suddenly, you have one. So why are you still complaining? Frasier: Well, it just seems wrong. I've thought a lot about this- Roz: Ah, that's your problem. You've thought too much about this. You know, why don't you just stop listening to your head and start listening to your body? You're obviously enjoying this. Why do you have to feel so guilty? Frasier: Well, it's just that I'm afraid I have no future with her. Roz: So? Frasier: Well, maybe she thinks that she has a future with me! Roz: Well, then it would be wrong. But is that how she feels? Frasier: I don't know. Roz: Ask her. If she feels the same way you do, you should just enjoy yourself. These things don't come around very often, and they don't last when they do. Frasier: Well, you're right. Over-thinking things can certainly spoil anything. You know, it's funny, I gave the very same advice the other day on my show to that lawyer from Bainbridge. Roz: I don't remember that. Frasier: You were five feet away! Doesn't anyone listen?! Frasier and Roz come back out. Daphne is just finishing her story. Daphne: And it wasn't until afterwards that we realized we'd rolled onto the skylight above the main stairwell! [laughs] Oh, we took some ribbing about that, we did! Niles is silent. Very slowly, and with every movement requiring excruciating control, he gets up from the couch, walks to the door, and leaves the apartment without saying a word. [SCENE_BREAK] OF MICE AND WOLFMEN Scene Five - Caitlin's Apartment Caitlin's modestly furnished loft. The lights are off, and candles softly illuminate the room. Frasier sits in an easy chair. Caitlin comes out of the kitchen and nuzzles him. Caitlin: Well, I think I got everything under control. Dinner should be ready in about twenty minutes. Frasier: Smells wonderful. Caitlin: So do you. Frasier: Caitlin, you know... Caitlin: Yes? Frasier: Well, I wanted to ask you: where do you see this going? Caitlin: Well, right now I'm heading to your earlobe, but if you'd care to reroute me, I'm open to suggestions- Frasier: [chuckles] No, I mean our relationship. We've never talked about it. She stops and sits next to him. Caitlin: Oh. Gee, I don't know. I guess I was kind of looking at this as a nice casual thing. I hope that doesn't disappoint you? Frasier: No, not at all, I'm actually relieved! I-I've been loving things the way they are too. Caitlin: Yeah, we're just having some fun, right? Frasier: Right - oh well, "fun" doesn't begin to describe it! I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. Caitlin: Is that what's been on your mind? Because I thought you were tense these last few days. I even went and got some hot oil to give you a massage. But I guess we won't be needing that now. Frasier: [naughtily] Well, I have been terribly worried about this global warming situation. Caitlin: Oh well, we've got time before dinner! I'll go get the oil! She runs into the kitchen. Frasier: I'm so glad we had this conversation! Caitlin: [o.s.] Yeah, me too! I mean, I was starting to worry that you were scared off by my lifestyle. I mean, I'm pretty out there. Frasier: Oh, Caitlin, Caitlin, I'm not as narrow-minded as all that. You know, I think we have a wonderful chemistry. That's enough to offset a few minor differences. Caitlin: You can be taking your shirt off. Frasier: Oh! [starts unbuttoning it] Same goes, by the way! You know, I just love these converted loft spaces. I wonder what this one was before you moved in? [looks up] Judging by these meat hooks - a slaughterhouse, huh? Caitlin: No, I put those in. It was a day-care center. This fazes Frasier, but he laughs it off. Frasier: Oh, you artists and your whimsical decorating touches! [takes off his shirt and sits on the bed] That's a mousetrap, isn't it? You get many mice? Caitlin: I wish! I use them in my art. Fraiser: [more fazed] Dead mice? Caitlin: Yeah, they're part of my newest collage series. It's all about mortality. Frasier nervously squeezes a pillow. Caitlin comes out, naked underneath a robe. Her hair is now cropped short, and she's carrying her shorn tresses in her hands. Frasier: Caitlin... you've cut your hair! Caitlin: Yeah, sometimes the spirit just grabs me, and I've got to do it! It's really very freeing. Plus I think there's something great about using your body parts for practical use. She sits on the floor and stuffs the hair into a half-full pillowcase. Frasier: Well, it's uh... it's different! It's still beautiful, nonetheless. Is that all your hair? Caitlin: It's mostly mine. Frasier drops the pillow he's holding. Frasier: You know, Caitlin, I'm thinking- Caitlin: No, no, no, don't think! [turns him around and sits him on the chair] The secret to a good massage is to let the mind rest, and listen to the body. She digs her fingers into his shoulders, hugging her body to his back. Frasier: Right. Caitlin: Yeah... Frasier: OK. Go ahead, Body... I'm listening. Caitlin: Mmm... Frasier: Oh God, yeah, that feels good. Caitlin: You know, if we moved to the bed, I could give you a more thorough massage. Frasier stands up and goes to the bed, dropping his trousers to the floor. Caitlin: Oh, I just remembered, it's a full moon tonight! She goes to the window and throws open the curtains. Caitlin: Look! Isn't that beautiful? Frasier: How romantic. You know, there's nothing like a full moon to make one- Caitlin throws her head back and lets out a long, spooky howl. Frasier: Caitlin? Caitlin: I'm a member of the lycanthrope society. Frasier: As in... werewolf? Caitlin: Not literally. It's a group of women who believe that the moon controls our cycles, and this is our way of paying our respects. She gets on all fours on the bed and lets out another howl. Caitlin: [cattily] Besides, you've heard me howl before. Frasier: Well, yes, but in that context I took it as a compliment! Caitlin: Oh, Frasier, you're getting all tense again. It's the hair pillows, isn't it? Frasier: Yes, that- SNAP! Caitlin: Oh, got one! Frasier: Among other things! He gets up and starts to pull on his trousers. Frasier: Listen, Caitlin, I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't such a good idea! Caitlin: What do you mean? Frasier: Well, you know, we're just so different! You know, I'm basically your stuffy, buttoned-down sort of guy! You're, well, you're your free-spirited, adventurous, mouse- painting, moon-howling sort of girl! Is even the most satisfying sexual relationship enough to bridge that gap? Caitlin: Well, I think so. She opens her robe and drops the top off her shoulders. Caitlin: What do you think? Frasier stares... then lets out a wolf howl. From a ground-level view, we see the rest of their clothes drop to the floor as they fall together onto the bed. [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne steps out of the apartment dressed in a bathrobe, beach sandals, and sunglasses pushed back over her eyes. She's carrying a lawn chair, a sun hat, and a bag filled with lotions and sunblock. Niles steps off the elevator at the same moment. They greet each other. She drops something from the bag, and he picks it up for her. She steps onto the elevator and he goes into the apartment. As soon as she's gone, Niles bursts out of the apartment and presses the button to bring the elevator back. He bounces anxiously on his toes for a second, then turns and makes a mad dash for the stairs.

Plan: A: a steamy love affair; Q: What kind of love affair does Frasier have with Caitlin? A: guest star Lisa Edelstein; Q: Who played Caitlin? A: a free-spirited artist; Q: What is Caitlin's occupation? A: wonderful sex; Q: What do Frasier and Caitlin have together? A: Niles; Q: Who tries to get Frasier to admit that his relationship with Caitlin is based solely on sex? A: a real future; Q: What does Frasier think he has with Caitlin? A: her loft; Q: Where does Frasier go to break up with Caitlin? A: the moon; Q: What does Frasier howl at? A: carnal desires; Q: What overwhelms Frasier again? Summary: Frasier begins a steamy love affair with Caitlin (played by guest star Lisa Edelstein ), a free-spirited artist. Whenever they are together they have wonderful sex, but hardly any conversation. Niles tries to get Frasier to admit that the relationship is based solely on sex, but Frasier insists that he has a real future with Caitlin. Frasier begins to obsess about this, and wonders if he should carry on with the relationship. Martin, Roz and Daphne all share with Frasier their memories of relationships that were steamy but superficial. Frasier is convinced that he must break up with Caitlin and goes to her loft to tell her. However, after howling at the moon, carnal desires overwhelm Frasier again.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Darla and Angelus kill Holtz family. Darla: "His family, his children..." Sahjhan: "It will be over two hundred years before you get another chance to confront either Angelus or Darla." Holtz: "I'm *tired* of waiting!" He tries to choke Sahjhan, but his hands go right through the demon. Sahjhan: "And I want your word that you will show them no mercy." Linwood: "Who's this pirate with a sword?" Lilah: "Whoever he is he is not in the system." Angel: "This is impossible." Darla: "Tell me about it - Daddy!" The gang looks at the ultrasound of the baby. Fred: "Wonder if that might not be that bad thing we were expecting." Linwood: "We need to get it, dissect it and find out what it means." Wes: "It's human." Angel: "I'm gonna have a son." Translator: "The prophet is telling us: There will be *no* birth." Darla screams and throws Gunn, Wes, Fred and Cordy away from the car. Lorne: "She wants to have it here?! Can't have a baby here!" The barrel rolls down the stairs and explodes in a ball of fire. Angel helps Darla out the back of Lorne's bedroom, hunkers down beside her in the rain. Darla: "This Child, it's the one good thing we ever did together. You make sure to tell him that." Darla stakes herself and explodes into a cloud of dust, leaving a crying baby boy behind. Holtz steps through the hole in the wall and aims his crossbow at Angel, who is holding his son. Sahjhan: "Now is your chance. Do it! Finish it, while you still can. You can't just let him walk away!" Holtz: "I swore that I would show no mercy. - And I won't." The gang walks into the lobby of the Hyperion as a thunderstorm rages outside. Cordy: "We need to make some little changes for safety. Covers for the outlets, kidproof the locks on the weapons cabinet. (Sees the blood spattered equipment that is all that remains of the fight between the Grapplar demons and Wolfram and Hart's swat team) Right after we gut and remodel the entire hotel." Fred: "We should be careful. Whatever was in those cages could still be loose." Gunn and Angel exchange a look. Fred sees that the cages are labeled: Baby and Mother. Fred: "Oh." Gunn: "There's blood over here." Wes: "Not to mention some b*st*rd blown a gaping hole in the lift." Angel: "Sorry. My b*st*rd." Wes: "Oh. Well - not like we ever use it." We hear someone walk up to the front door. Angel huddles protectively around the baby. Gunn hefts his ax and Wes aims a crossbow at the person coming in through the doors, hidden by a big umbrella. Lorne lowers the umbrella and recoils at all seeing the grim expressions at the weaponry aimed at him. Lorne: "Now is that anyway to welcome a houseguest?" Everyone lowers their weapons. Gunn: "Houseguest?" Lorne: "Well, I figured since you all managed to destroy my club - twice - that I wouldn't be imposing if I hit you up for a place to stay. (Sees the mess in the lobby) On second thought, maybe I should reconsider that standing offer I have from a marginally attractive Mulix demon." Wes: "Well, if he/she/it has more suitable accommodations..." Lorne walks towards Angel, holding out his hands. Lorne: "Ah, come on, hand over the little nipper. Let Uncle Lorne have a gander. (Angel curls tighter around the baby) Oh, come on, I'm sure everyone else's already had their turn!" Gunn and Fred peel the stickers off the cages. Lorne puts a hand on Angel's arm, but Angel shakes it off. Lorne: "Wow. I'm sensing a serious 'mama bear' vibe." Cordy: "Yeah, we're all still waiting our turn." Lorne: "I get it. Lookee don't touchee? - I see he's got himself a little scratch..." Lorne reaches towards the baby's left cheek, but Angel pushes his hand away. Cordy: "Yeah, during the rush to get out of the alley. (Comes over) Here, let me put a little ointment on it." Angel takes the ointment from Cordy. Angel: "I-I I got it. I got it." Angel goes to lay the baby down on the counter top. Angel: "Easy. Right there. Alright. (Undoes the blanket a little) Let your arms out. - Okay. Shh." Angel carefully dabs some ointment on the cut and the baby begins to cry. Angel: "What? What did I do?" Cordy: "You don't have a woman's touch - whatever your taste in clothing may indicate." Cordy walks off to sit down on the steps leading into the lobby from the door to the garden court. Angel reads what's written on the tube of ointment. Gunn picks up a cleaver-like instrument laying on top of one of the cage and looks at it. Gunn: "I don't even wanna know." Fred: "You think you could throw it?" Gunn: "I guess. Why?" Fred points past him: "There!" Gunn turns and sees a demon leaping over the railing out side the glass garden court doors. Cordy jumps up with a scream as the demon comes charging in. Gunn throwing the cleaver: "Bogie at the back door!" Angel, baby wrapped protectively in his arms, turns his back to the door, trying to shield the baby with his body. The demon, scimitar raised above it's head, falls backwards onto the steps, the cleaver buried in his chest and one of Wes crossbow bolts in its neck. Cordy: "This isn't over, is it?" Wes: "No. Angel's son is part of the prophecy. Everyone and everything will be coming for him." Gunn: "Which means we need a plan." Angel: "Ah-ha! (Everyone turns to look at him) I think I figured it out. (Pulls a diaper out of his coat pocket) He wet himself." Intro Hyperion, night. Wes walks into his office. Wes: "Angel, we could use your help when you're finished - changing the baby - who is being changed on my desk." Angel: "Sorry. I needed the space." Wes: "Of course. And seeing as you once nearly had s*x on my desk I shouldn't be surprised that now there is a baby on it." Angel: "Hey! First of all that wasn't me, that was some guy who switched bodies with me. And second of all (Cups his hands around the baby's ears, and drops his voice to a whisper) can we keep the S E X talk away from the baby?" Wes steps closer and picks up the pack of diapers. Wes: "Do you need help?" Angel: "Ah, no, Wes. I know how to change a diaper - a normal one with pins. It's these newfangled fasteners." Wes: "Did you know these diapers are lined with a space-age material originally designed for NASA astronauts? Hmm, interesting. (Puts the pack of diapers down) Though now I'm picturing grown men in nappies and am rather disturbed." Angel: "Ah, okay, got it. (To baby) You're all ready aren't you?" Angel wraps the baby back in its blanket and drops the bundled up, used diaper into Wes hand. Wes looks down at it. Angel picks up the baby and looks at Wes. Angel: "Right. How's the list coming along?" They move out into the lobby where the others are waiting in front of a dry erase board. Wes drops the diaper on the counter top as he walks past. Wes: "We've divided it into two categories. Column one groups or individuals that we know pose a threat to the baby: Holtz, Wolfram & Hart, the vampire cult that attacked us at the hospital. Column two those you *could* pose a threat once they get wind of the baby." Angel: "Order of Phillius, Beltar the Cremator, - Frank?" (The list also has a 'Piper Beast' and 'The Scourge' as potential threats.) Gunn: "Local mobster, specializes in kidnapping." Angel: "Ah. (Baby begins to cry) What, what, what? What is it? You can't be wet again. I just changed you. Ah-hmm, are you hungry? I got a bottle all ready for you." Walks over to counter and looks around. Angel: "Where did I put his bottle? I had a bottle all ready for him!" Cordy hurries over, picks up the bottle and hands it to him. Angel: "Okay. (To baby) Here's your babba. (Baby cries) Take your babba. (Gunn grins.) You just take it like this (Angel lifts the bottle and makes sucking noises) and you drink, and you're happy." The baby continues to cry. Gunn comes over. Gunn: "Angel, why don't you let me take him for a little while. I helped raise my cousin since she was about a week old." Cordy throws up her hands and walks away. Angel: "I-i can handle it. (Walks away from Gunn) Alright, so we got a list. All we have to do is erase everyone on it." Fred picks up a dry eraser: "I can do that for you." Cordy: "Ah, Fred..." Fred: "What?" Fred stops erasing and turns to look at Cordy. Fred: "Oh, you meant erase in a squish and kill violent kind of way. I'll just put that back." Writes Holtz name back on the list. Angel, pacing and holding the bottle out to the crying baby: "Come on, it's a nice babba. You wanna stop crying and take your babba, yes you do - please?" Sahjhan follows Holtz into their underground lair. Sahjhan: "Well that was a thrilling evening. It's not like I've been waiting two hundred and fifty years for you to take your blood vengeance on Angel to have you just stand there and let him walk away." Holtz: "Why didn't you tell me Darla was pregnant?" Sahjahn: "Didn't matter. You were supposed to kill them both before she could have it." Holtz: "She sacrificed herself to save the child." Sahjhan: "Yeah. Darla did your job for you. Well, at least one of them is dust." Holtz: "She got off easy. Angel's demise will be a great deal more painful." Sahjhan: "You know you throw around a lot of big words like death and pain and no mercy, but so far I haven't seen bupkus." The Grapplar demons are following behind them stuffing themselves with fast food as they go. Sahjhan: "Listen to me, Holtz, we got prophecies to fulfill. We don't need some deep, dark plan for Angel. You put a stake in him, you watch him go poof! It's a classic." Holtz: "Step one is getting rid of these minions." Sahjhan: "No. Step one is poof. And then there are no more steps. And we can't get rid of the Grapplars. I signed a two-week contract. - Trust me, you don't wanna piss these guys off." Holtz: "They're soulless beasts bred only to maim and kill." One of the Grapplars is looking at the drink and food he is holding. Sahjhan: "Ah! Maim and kill. Two more words I like. You're gonna need these guys - unless you're plan is to kill Angel with candy clowns and marshmallow pies." All the Grapplars are making choking noises. Sahjhan looks at them. Sahjhan: "What's happening?" Holtz: "I need more than mere fighters." Sahjhan: "They're choking! Do you know the Heimlich? I can't do it in this dimension. My arms will go right through them. (The Grapplars start dropping one by one) What did you do?" Holtz: "I poisoned their drink." Sahjhan: "Why?!" Holtz: "Because I don't need mercenaries who will kill for anyone willing to pay their price. I need warriors who will die for my cause..." One remaining Grapplars charges Holtz from behind. Holtz kills him with a backwards thrust of his sword without ever taking his eyes off Sahjhan. Holtz: "...like that." Sahjhan: "Great. So step one is I'm stuck with four costly and dead demons. What's step two?" Holtz walk over to where a computer is sitting atop a table. Holtz: "We can find information using this box - correct?" Sahjhan: "Yeah. You won't believe how fast my connection is. What do you wanna find?" Sahjhan passes his hand in front of the computer screen and the entry page of the "Demons, Demons, Demons" database comes up. Holtz: "Obituraries." Cordy is at her laptop searching that same database. Gunn: "What about that ninja guy that attacked us at the hospital?" Wes: "The vampire cult killed him before he could get to the baby." Fred: "There could be more of them." Cordy: "The world is a sick and demented place. You know there are already three websites offering money for the baby?" Fred is adding 'Ninja guys' to the column of known threats. Angel, carrying the baby: "Fred, help them trace the websites." Fred: "Right." Angel is still trying to get the baby to take the bottle. Angel: "It's good. Try it. You'll like it. Mmmm, so good." The baby keeps crying. Fred takes Cordy's place in front of the laptop. Angel picks up a stuffed Teddy and pretends to feed it the bottle. Angel: "See? Ha. Teddy likes it. And I like it, too." Angel opens his mouth and shakes some of the milk from the bottle into it. Angel: "See? Mmmm." Smiles at the baby, then turns his head away, makes a face and spits. A blue flash lights up the hotel and everyone looks around. Fred: "What was that?" Lorne walks in: "Oh, just listening to those Furies gives me whiplash! Thank god they finally left. My head was about to pop off. Which, granted, not that big a deal." Wes: "That flash was their spell kicking in?" Lorne: "Yeah, they put a force field over the entire hotel. No one or thing can get in or out." Fred: "So, the baby's safe? We're all safe. Right, Lorne? I-I mean unless one of those killers decides to throw in a fire bomb in at us like they did at your club, which had a similar safety spell around it as I recall. - Sorry." Angel: "She's right. He won't be safe here for long." Lorne: "Well, we can get out if we have to. I installed an emergency exit down in the sewers. A-a mystical barrier, opens and closes with a password. (To Fred) Pylean word for hedgehog." Fred: "Oh. - Oh!" Starts to laugh. Gunn: "I'm guessing it means something very different in English?" Cordy: "Well, we'll have to use it. The baby needs to see a doctor." Angel: "What? He's not sick! Does he look sick?" Cordy read in baby book: "No. But he needs his newborn checkup. The baby book says that he's supposed to have a vitamin K shot and a PKU test after he's born. Uh - are you gonna circumcise?" The baby starts screaming louder. Gunn: "I think he heard you." Lorne: "Speaking of hearing things - are there any fluorescent lights in here? I keep hearing this hum. Plus, fluorescent - green light, green skin - it's all bad. - I'll take the blank stares as a big fat no." Angel is looking at the weapons cabinet. Angel: "Gunn?" Gunn: "Yeah." Angel: "I'm in a war here. I'm gonna need some serious firepower." Gunn: "You mean something beyond swords and spears?" Angel: "Way beyond." Gunn: "I know some guys. Leave it to me." Angel: "Thanks. (To Fred) We get into the websites?" Fred: "Not yet. Normally all we would have to do is hack into the e-mail and track the relays but - they're using re-mailers." Angel looks at them: "Which means?" Cordy: "Which means there is no direct id, it's going to take a little time..." Angel: "We don't have a little time. Are those all the names up there on the board?" Wes: "Working on some other leads. We all want the same thing, Angel. We're doing the best we can." Angel, looking down at the baby: "Do better." Wes: "Angel!" Angel: "I promised his mother. No one is gonna put their hands on this child. No one." Angel turns to walk up the stairs. Linwood watches Angel carry the child upstairs on the monitor. Linwood: "No one is going to put their hands on this child. Is this meant to be ironic? According to our highly - and I'm now thinking, somewhat overpaid translators, the Nyazian Scroll said the child would never be born. And yet - here he is." Gavin: "It was a technicality, sir. Darla died during childbirth." Lilah: "Dusted during childbirth is more like it. According to our sources she staked herself, leaving the baby alive and kicking but never actually born. MacDuff was from his mother's womb untimely ripped." Linwood: "Clever loophole. We could use some of those Nyazian Scroll writers in Contracts and Negotiations." Gavin: "We have to get that baby." Lilah: "He has a knack for stating the obvious, sir." Gavin: "I also have an intercept team working on tactical scenarios as we speak. I'm sure Lilah would have thought of that - given time." Linwood: "Moving on - children. (Picks up a photo of Holtz) I want everything there is on this character. He slaughtered some of our best-trained men. He's gonna be a problem." Lilah: "We're locating him, sir." Linwood: "Preferably before he locates us. (Walks towards the screen as we can hear the baby gurgle) That's a cute little baby. Yes, you are. And your daddy is a vampire with a soul. And sometimes he reverts to a creature of pure, malevolent evil, who could rip your tiny throat out. Yes, he does. (Chuckles) I like kids. The Senior Partners took mine before I really got to know them. Turn it up. (Lilah pushes a button on the remote and the room fills with a baby's cries) Turn it down." Lilah does as Linwood walks out. Angel is trying to distract the baby from crying with the teddy bear. Angel: "Teddy isn't crying. Do you see Teddy cry? Teddy isn't crying. Do you see Teddy crying? No, Teddy isn't crying. (The baby cries and Angel leans his head into the Teddy with a sigh) Come on, kid, you gotta give me something here. Alright. Last ditch effort. (Angel takes a deep breath, clears his throat and begins to sing) Toora-loora-loora, toora-loora-lay..." Lorne walks into the room behind Angel. Angel: "Toora-loora-loora, that's an Irish lullaby..." Angel breaks off, leaning his head against the side of the cradle in defeat as the crying never even slows. Lorne: "Here let me give it a try. (Sings) Ooh, ooh, baby, baby. Ooh, ooh, baby, baby. Mistakes I know I made a few, but I'm only human. You'll make mistakes, too. And I'm crying... (Stops singing) He doesn't like Smokey Robinson and the Miracles? I thought you said this kid had a soul." Angel leans down over the cradle: "You know what, you're fed, you're changed. I hold you, you cry. I put you down, you cry. What do you want me to do here? (The baby cries.) I'm a terrible father. (Picks up the baby) I can't even get him to stop crying." Lorne: "Yeah, well, it's getting a little tense - your vibe, that is." Angel: "My vibe? What vibe?" Lorne: "Oh, just the incredibly anxious one that's been coming of you in waves ever since he was born. He's deeply connected to you. If you're wound this tight, how do you think he's gonna feel?" Angel: "Hey, he's not even a day old and he's got an enemies list. How would you feel? Wouldn't you be a little edgy?" Lorne: "Yeah. I'd also be in awe. Look at him." Angel looks down at the screaming baby in his arms. Lorne: "He's more than a mission, bro. *Look* at him. Look at him." Lorne turns and walks out of the room as Angel keeps looking at the baby, a slight smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Angel sits down in a chair. Angel: "It's all right. It's gonna be alright. It's gonna be all right." The baby continues to scream. Angel: "Hey. Shh." Angel makes a face and silly noises. Angel: "Do you like that?" The baby continues to scream. Angel: "Well, obviously. Okay. How about this one?" Angel pulls on his ears, makes another face and silly noises. The baby continues to scream. Angel: "Okay. I only got one more in me." Angel sighs and morphs into vamp-face. The baby looks up at him, stops crying and after a moment its eyes start drooping. A big smile spreads over Angel's face. Angel: "Yeah, that's my little guy! You like that, don't you? A bootchee-wootchee..." Wolfram and Hart, night, Lilah walks into a room in the basement filled with file cabinets and presents herself to the woman sitting behind a desk. Lilah: "Lilah Morgan, clearance oh -one-one-two-seven-seven-three." The woman enters it in her laptop then sits back and looks up at Lilah. Woman: "There you are. What can I do for you, Miss Morgan?" Lilah: "I want everything the firm has on Angel, the whole case file. His life history, un-life history, intercept records, victim lists, transfers and accounts, everything. I'm looking for someone he crossed paths with probably a hundred years ago or more. And make it fast. The boys upstairs are at defcon like - a thousand." Woman smiles: "Sure thing, Miss Morgan. Just a sec." She turns around and pulls a thick ring binder from the shelf behind her and drops it on the table. Lilah: "Everything is in there." Woman: "Right down to the baby that wasn't supposed to be born." Lilah: "How do you know about that?" Woman: "I'm Files and Records. It's my job." Lilah: "Great. (Hefts the file and turns to go) I'll be back when I'm..." Woman: "Ah, Miss Morgan, there aren't any documents in there, you know. That's just the reference key to the full file." Lilah: "The reference key. So - where is the full file?" The woman flips a switch and a whole section of file cabinets is illuminated. Woman: "The key is only helpful in locating which section of the file you'd like to look at." Lilah sighs: "That *whole* thing is Angel's file." Woman: "Just the first thirty five cabinets." Lilah: "Right. (Drops the book back on the desk) Does China Palace deliver down here?" Holtz is waiting behind a chain-link fence. He pulls out a paper with an obituary for a young girl named Julia Cooper. A door in the building on the other side of the fence with a sign "No Parking. Bar deliveries only" opens. A girl looking exactly like the picture on the obituary walks out, squinting at the bright sunlight. She lights a cigarette and walks off. Holtz follows after her. He turns a corner to see a barely smoked cigarette lying on the ground. He raises his hand to catch the girl's fist as she swings at him. Holtz: "Your punch could have been quicker - without so much to drink." Justine: "It's kind of a trade-off, because without that much to drink (head-butts Holtz) hurts a lot more." Holtz tosses her against a nearby, parked car. Holtz: "You stick to the shadows." Justine: "I'm not much of a day person." The girl takes a hold of a wood 2x4 lying on the ground next to her as she picks herself back up. Holtz: "I'm not here to fight." Justine: "Your bad luck." She swings at Holtz, but he easily evades her attack, and pushes her up against the wall of the building, his hand around her throat. Holtz: "I know you're in pain. I know what it's like to grieve." Holtz lets go of her. She lifts up a finger and taps him on the chin. Justine: "Nice goatee. Kind of rounds out the whole creepy stalker look. I'll be moving on now." She turns to go. Holtz: "Justine. (She turns back to face him) I'm not finished." Justine: "You know my name?" Holtz: "I know everything. You know at seventeen twenty two Spaulding. You stay out all night. Sleep all day. Ever since your sister was murdered six months ago. (Unfolds the printout of the obituary and hands it to her.) Your twin. - It wasn't a mugging like the paper said, was it? Major blood loss, two unidentifiable neck wounds." Justine: "So?" Holtz: "My name is Holtz. I want to help you." Justine: "I'll tell you what I want. (Gets right into Holtz face) I want you to stay the hell away from me." Holtz watches as Justine walks off. Hyperion, day, Fred is hunched over the laptop as Cordy brings over two cups and sets one down beside her. Fred: "Thanks." Fred looks up and sees Angel coming down the stairs carrying his son. Fred: "Oh-oh, we still haven't traced the websites." Cordy pats her on the back: "Relax." Cordy walks over to meet Angel. Cordy: "Get any sleep?" Angel, never taking his eyes off the baby: "Nah, I was up all night watching him." Cordy: "You know, if you'd let us take shifts we could..." Angel: "No, I wasn't watching him like that - I was just - watching him. (Cordy smiles) He - looks a little bit like me, don't you think?" Cordy: "Oh, yeah. Look at that brow. He's a miniature you. Why don't you hand him over for a while, catch some shut eye." Angel: "No. I'll sleep - when I know he's safe." Cordy: "Which will be when? Around never? - Angel, I understand you wanna protect him - but you gotta let go a little. Share part of the responsibility. You can't be everything for him." Angel: "I'm his only family. My job now is to be everything for him." Cordy: "Really? - Okay. Follow me. Come on." Cordy takes a hold of Angel's elbow and leads him towards the garden court. Angel, never taking his eyes off the baby in his arm: "Where are we going?" Cordy: "Come on." Cordy leads him out of the Hyperion. Angel stops before they leave the shadows of the building. Angel: "Cordelia..." Cordy: "We're going outside, where your son is gonna wanna go play. Where you have to rush him to the hospital if he gets sick in the daytime. But I see your point. You can't go outside during the day like other parents because - you're a vampire. And even if you weren't - you can't do everything for him." Angel, looking down at the baby, stretches one hand out into the sunlight. Angel: "If he has to get to the hospital at noon (Smoke starts to rise from his hand) on the sunniest day of the year, he'll get there (Looks at Cordy, his hand still smoldering in the sunlight) even if I don't." Cordy: "Angel, (Pushes his hand down into the shadow) stop, Angel..." Angel turns away and walks back into the Hyperion. Lorne comes down the steps. Lorne: "Good morning all. (Sniffs) Is that bacon I smell or did somebody fall asleep with the curtains open? (Drapes one arm over Angel's shoulder as he looks down at the baby) You got to figure a guy like you, a place like this, the only truly safe room would be the janitor's closet." Angel looks down at his shirt pocket then walks away from Lorne. Angel: "Thanks for the tip." Fred: "Were you able to sleep, Lorne, or did you still hear that humming?" Lorne: "Oh, I got some earplugs. Put them in and slept like a baby. Cried and wet the bed all night. (He is the only one laughing) Tough room." Gunn walks in. Gunn: "Mission accomplished. (Drops a duffel on a chair and unzips it) You said you wanted fire power, so..." Angel looks into the open bag: "Good work." Gunn: "Also we got company out front." Angel: "Did they see you?" Gunn: "Nah. I saw them, kept on going, doubled back and came in through the sewer." Angel: "Who are they?" Gunn: "Well, two blacked out cars of what I'm betting is more vampire cult. And a biker gang I recognize from back in the day." Angel: "Humans?" Gunn: "Yeah. Into extortion and kidnapping. There are also some funky fellows in a van I didn't recognize, wearing hooded cloaks." Wes joining them: "Lilliad demons. Their fun is making a magical broth from the bones of human children (To Cordy who is about to add them to the white board) That's two 'L's' in the middle. They probably want to find out how the child born of a vampire effects the recipe. They use strong magic. They may be able to break the furies spell." Angel: "What are they waiting for?" Wes: "Night. Their power is linked directly to the lunar cycle." Cordy: "So, we're safe for now, but when the moon rises..." Fred: "And tonight's a full moon." Gunn: "No matter what kind of weapons we have, we're not gonna be able to fight off the whole world, once that force field comes down." Wes: "I don't see that we have a choice." Lilah is sitting crosslegged on the floor of the File room, surrounded by papers and files. Lilah: "This is impossible. Two hundred seventy five years of the most inane... (Picks up a paper and looks at it) What kind of wussy name is Liam anyway? - Okay. You're at the hotel. The pirate is about to kill Angel. Angel calls him - what? What was it? - Hose. - Hope." Woman: "Holtz?" Lilah: "What?' Woman: "Holtz, Daniel, vampire killer, circa seventeen fifty four. He hunted Angel and Darla halfway around the world until his mysterious disappearance in seventeen seventy three. Larson McMillian Vampiricus Conquestus page four twelve." Lilah: "How did you..." Woman: "I'm files and records. It's my job." Lilah gets up: "You mean I've been sitting here for the last fourteen hours..." Woman: "Ah-hmm." Lilah: "To find that you know everything that's in this case file." Woman: "No, Miss Morgan." Lilah: "Oh." Woman: "I know everything in every case file. I'm Files and Records, it's my..." Lilah: "...your job. Unbelievable. (Sits down on the edge of the woman's desk) So what's the skinny on Holtz then? Why the big hate-on for Angel?" Woman: "Just a moment." She sits back and her eyes flicker while we hear a rattling sound. Woman: "Seventeen sixty-four. Angel and Darla kill Holtz, Caroline, Holtz, Sarah, and Holtz, Daniel infant son." Lilah: "Massacred his family. That'll do it." Woman: "Holtz vows to revenge their blood, May seventeen sixty-four. Pursues Angel and Darla relentlessly for nine years, racking up an incidental body count of three hundred seventy-eight vampires in the meantime." Lilah: "So what we're dealing with is a single minded vengeance machine with a bloodlust to match. That's just - awesome." Night in a cemetery, Justine is fighting against a vampire as Holtz watches from the shadows beneath a tree. The vampire kicks Justine in Holtz direction and he catches her before she falls. Justine: "What the hell are you doing here?" Holtz: "Watching you fight." Holtz pushes her away and Justine resumes her fight. She raises a stake, but the vampire knocks it out of her hand and her to the ground. The vampire is about to sink its teeth into her neck when it disappears in a cloud of dust revealing Holtz, holding a stake. Holtz holds out his hand and helps Justine back to her feet. Justine: "Why did you wait so long?" Holtz: "I wanted to see if you could win." Justine: "Always. I would have kicked his ass if you hadn't distracted me." Holtz: "Hmm. I wasn't your problem." Justine: "Really?" Holtz: "You fight well and lack strategy. Your passion works against you." Justine: "And you're here to teach me about passion." Holtz: "I'm here to teach you how to fight." Justine: "What's in it for you?" Holtz: "You help me kill a vampire." Justine: "You don't need me for that." Holtz: "I do. This vampire is strong." Justine: "What are we talking about. Some kind of Karate Kid Mr. Miyagi groove thing? Wax on, wax off." Holtz: "You'll find your references to modern popular culture tend to be lost on me." Justine: "What a shocker." Holtz: "But I know you're interested in more that the trivial. Your life has been ruined. You can't sleep. Instead you wander the streets, making others pay for what happened to your sister. That's where I can help. I see your talent. And I see your hate. And I know that I can shape and hone you into an instrument of vengeance." Justine: "Sounds like fun." Holtz: "It won't be." He turns and walks off. After a beat Justine follows, looking back once over her shoulder. Figures in purple hooded cloaks are chanting in front of the Hyperion. Gunn turns away from the first story window and walks over to the stairs leading down into the lobby. Gunn: "Guys, the Lilliad demons are starting their mojo on the force field." Gunn resumes his post at the window as Wes and Fred pick up crossbows. Gunn sees a car pull up and men jump out. Gunn: "Ah, right, sun's down, vamps can come out, too. - Wait, they're headed towards the bikers." Fred: "What are they doing?" Gunn, walking down the stairs: "They, ah, having a brawl over who gets to kill us first." Wes: "We have to hold our ground." Cordy: "What if we can't?" Wes: "If we're forced to fall back we'll do so towards the cellar. We can make a retreat through the sewer." Wes picks up a flame-thrower. Angel is standing on the stairs, holding the baby in his arms. Angel: "This isn't going to work." Wes: "I checked it. It's primed and ready." Angel: "Not the weapon, the plan." Lorne: "I'm so glad somebody finally said that, because sitting here waiting to die never was much of a plan. Sorry. So, what kind of genius idea you got hidden up that well tailored sleeve of yours, huh?" Angel: "Plan is I go. Take the baby somewhere safe." Cordy: "What?" Angel: "He was born in a siege, he's not gonna die in one." Wes: "But if you stay and help us fight... You said it yourself: we're in a war." Angel is putting stuff into a bag. Angel: "And now I'm in a retreat." Wes: "What happened to taking them out?" Angel: "There's too many of them. I can get out through the sewers. With any luck I'll get a couple miles before anyone notices that I'm gone." Cordy: "So you're just gonna leave? Run away?" Gunn: "Why not? That's what he's good at. Sure you don't wanna fire us first? A little icing on the cake while you leave us here to do the fighting?" Lorne: "I thought we already established this as a bad, bad idea." Angel: "No, you're gonna be all right. Once they break the spell and storm the place they'll realize that the baby's gone and they'll go after me. Wesley, stall them if you can." Cordy steps into his path as Angel shoulders the bag and heads for the basement doors. Cordy: "I'm sure tripping over our dead bodies will slow them down. You really didn't hear anything I said to you earlier, did you?" Angel looks down at the baby in his arm then walks past Cordy. Angel: "I heard you." Fred: "Angel! Don't leave us." Angel hurries on without even looking back. Break [SCENE_BREAK] Gavin and Linwood are watching Angel head down into the cellar. Gavin: "He's running away." Linwood: "He's sneaking away. And giving us the chance to get the jump on everyone." Gavin into radio: "Alpha team he's heading into the sewers." Radio: "Copy that." Linwood: "Today the world is different. A vampire has sacrificed herself for her baby. Do you know what that means?" Lilah: "That there's something good about the kid?" Linwood: "This child can grow up, and hunt each and everyone of us down. Let's not let that happen, shall we?" Gavin: "No, sir. We'll find the baby by sunrise, dead or alive." Lilah: "Are you crazy?" Gavin: "What? Is Lilah worried we're gonna hurt the itty biddy baby?" Lilah: "No. I'm afraid you'll kill him before we have a chance to cut him open while he's still breathing and find out how the hell he's alive in the first place." Linwood turns to looks at Lilah. Gives her a slight smile. Angel is walking through the sewers with the baby. Two hum-vees pull up along the curb of a street. Lilah on radio: "Alpha team, where are you? Over." Guy: "We're here." The chanting demons bring down the fore field and run for the hotel. Wes and Gunn stand up and face the doors. Gunn is jumping in place to loosen his muscles. Looks over at Wes. Gunn: "What are you doing?" Wes: "Trying to imagine myself as John Wayne in Rio Bravo. You?" Gunn: "Austin Stoker, Assault on Precinct Thirteen." They slap their hands together, Cordy walks past them holding her weapon at the ready. Cordy: "If we live through this, trade in your DVD Players and get a life." Before the Lilliad demons reach the door they are intercepted by the biker gang and the vampires and general fighting breaks out. Angel climbs up a ladder in the sewers. He pushes the round metal lid covering the manhole aside and comes up in the street beside his parked car. He glances around the street and gets into the car. A man in one of the Hum-vees watches him through night-vision binoculars. Guy on radio: "Got him." Angel's car pulls out into the road. Man, lowering the binoculars: "Have a visual. Let's go." The Hum-vees follow Angel's car. Two demons and men break free from the fight at the front doors of the Hyperion and walk inside. The Demons take down their hoods. Lilliad: "Where is the child?" Wes: "Upstairs, room three-one-two, why don't you go and get him? Oh, wait. I have a better idea." Wes aims the flame-thrower and fires. We hear screams as flames wipe the screen. Outside the fight continues. A vampire looks up from the fighting as Angel's car drives by. He knocks down another opponent, then sees the Hum-vees in pursuit. The vampire hurries inside the hotel. Vampire: "Master, it's a trick! He's taken the child." The vampire looks down at the charred and still smoking remains of a Lilliad demon. Looks at Wes who gives him a shrug before torching him with a burst of flame. Outside the remaining fighters hurry to their vehicles to pursue Angel. Cordy lowers her weapon: "Now they're all after him." Wes: "Hopefully we stalled them long enough." Gunn sits down: "Whatever. Running away was his call." Angel's car fishtails around a corner, the Hum-vees, the bikers, the cars of the vampire cult and the van of the Lilliad demons in hot pursuit. A Hum-vee pulls out of another street to cut him off and Angel wrenches the car aside to turn into another street. Angel is driving through a tunnel, down a highway and past a sign reading Lancaster 16 and Mojave Dessert 42. Angel checks on his pursuers in the side mirror. Looks down at the baby he is holding with his left arm. Angel: "We'll get through this, I promise. The vampire/demon/biker posse, that's the easy part. (the Hum-vee following rams his car from behind) The part that scares me - is all the questions. Why is the sky blue. Why do people get sick. Why is there always pigs' blood in the fridge. I don't have all the answers. Well, I do to that last one." The Hum-vee rams him again. They drive by a 'Danger Abandoned Mine No Trespassing' sign. Angel: "Here we go." He suddenly turns the car and drives through a latched wooden gate. Man in Hum-vee: "He's breaking left." Angel drives past an abandoned shack and through the boards closing off the entrance of the mine. Outside the other vehicles pull up in front of the mine entrance. Angel descends into the main mine shaft. Outside the three parties resume their fight against each other even as they all make their way towards the entrance of the mine. Angel comes up against a tunnel entrance nailed shut with boards. As the first pursuers descend into the pit of the main shaft, he runs over to another tunnel mouth and finds it blocked by and iron grate. He turns to face his pursuers. Looks down at the baby in his arms. Angel: "Could be worse. At least you're not crying." Break Angel looks around and grabs a hold of a rope trailing down from the ceiling. Lilliad: "Give us the baby!" Angel: "You want the baby? - You can have the baby." Angel tosses the wrapped baby in a high arc into the middle of his enemies. They all scramble for it, while Angel quickly rides the rope up to the top of the shaft. One of the vampires has a hold of the baby and unwraps the blanket to get a look at it. Angel's car backs out of the mine shaft, makes a screeching U-turn and speeds away. The vampire stares down at Teddy, a bomb with the timer almost to zero strapped to it's chest. Man: "What is it?" Vampire: "It's a..." A fireball rolls out of the mineshaft, its fire casting a red glow over the taillights of Angel's escaping car. A Hospital waiting area. Wes and Fred get up from a couch as a doctor enters. Cordy, standing beside the couch turns around and we see that she is holding the baby. Nurse: "Ah, sorry for the wait. Let's go." The three of them follow the doctor through a set of doors. At Wolfram and Hart, Linwood is re-watching the encounter between Lorne and Angel that morning. Lorne: "Ah, good morning all. Is that bacon I smell or did somebody fall asleep with the curtains open? You got to figure, a guy like you, a place like this the only truly safe..." Linwood: "Back it up." The video backs up then begins to play again. Lorne: "...fall asleep with the curtains open. You got to figure, a guy like you..." Linwood: "Stop it right there! (Tape stops) Magnify one hundred times. (Picture zooms in) Again." The whole screen is now filled with Lorne's hand slipping a half-concealed piece of paper into the breast pocket of Angel's shirt. Linwood: "There. That is when he gives Angel the note." Lorne: "The only truly safe room would be the janitor's closet." Angel: "Thanks for the tip." Linwood: "And tells him where to read it. The janitor's closet, where we don't have surveillance." Lilah to Gavin: "That green houseguest could hear the hum of your transmit frequency. What are the odds?" Linwood: "All that Sturm and Drang about Angel running out on them? Just a performance." Lilah: "He did a good job. Who knew Angel had the acting chops?" Gavin: "Are you kidding? It was one note. Felt forced." Lilah: "Funny. You bought it at the time." Linwood: "It worked - for us. Angel's little trick thinned the herd. And what about Holtz?" Gavin: "No reports yet that he was among Angel's pursuers." Linwood: "I was hoping he'd be among the casualties. What do we know about him?" Lilah opens a folder: "He is a vampire hunter. Angel killed his family and he spent the rest of his life seeking revenge. Oh, and one more thing, this all happened two hundred years ago." Linwood: "I thought Holtz was human." Lilah: "He is." Linwood: "I time traveler." Gavin: "His arrival was foretold in the Nyazian Scrolls. He is a player." Linwood: "Yeah. He's a cog in the machine, and aren't we all. - What do you suppose it is that he wants?" Lilah: "You mean other than to tear out Angel's heart and wearing it as a broach?" Linwood: "We need more information. How he got he, who he works with, where he lives. It's only a matter of time before our needs and his come into conflict. (An alarm sounds) Maybe sooner than we think." Angel walks into the office, walks up to Linwood, slices him across the cheek, and pushes him facedown against the table. Angel: "My son has a tiny scratch on his cheek, and now, by extraordinary coincidence so do you. I'm holding you personally responsible for *anything* that happens to him whether it's your fault or not. Cold, sunburn, scratched knee, what ever happens to him, happens to you, and then some." Angel pulls Linwood back up, pushes him back into his chair and leans over him. Angel: "For not only are you not coming after him, you gonna make sure that he lives a long, healthy life. You just became his godfather, understand?" Linwood: "I believe I do." Guards come in in response to the alarm. Guard: "Sir?" Linwood: "It's all right." Angel starts to leave but turns back around before he reaches the door. Angel: "Oh, and one more thing: College fund? Start saving. I got my heart set on Notre Dame." Angel leaves and Linwood pulls himself back upright in his chair. Lilah pulls the handkerchief out of Gavin breast pocket and goes to dab at the scratch on Linwood's cheek. Linwood grabs the cloth from her and throws it down. The doctor and a nurse carrying the baby come back out into the waiting room. Doctor: "I'm happy to report you have a healthy baby boy." Cordy: "Oh, great. But I'm not the mother." Doctor: "Oh, I'm sorry. (turns to Fred) I'm happy to report you have a healthy baby boy." Fred: "Oh. Me neither." Wes: "I'm afraid the mother is, ah, no longer in the picture." Doctor: "I see. Well, his height and weight are in the ninety percentile. We gave him his vitamin K and his PKU and he's doing very well. We don't seem to have his - what's his name?" Cordy and Wes look at each other. Angel walking in: "Connor. His name is Connor." Doctor: "Connor. Thank you. Mr. (looks at the papers) Angel. (the nurse hands the baby to Angel) And congratulations." Angel: "Thanks." The Doctor and the nurse leave, as Angel smiles down at Connor. Angel: "Hey... (Looks up) Mr. Angel?" Fred: "Your first name is Geraldo." Cordy: "We had to tell them something." Fred: "Geraldo Angel. You're a pet psychiatrist with a small practice in Pacoima. Oh, and you fight crime- We just told them the name part. The rest is me, having fun." Angel: "I don't know what to say." Cordy: "How about thanks. I appreciate it. You guys rock. Way to go?" Angel looks up from Connor's face: "What she said." The double doors behind them open and Gunn comes in pushing an empty stroller. Gunn: "Got the best one a very small amount of money could buy." They all 'ah.' Angel hands Connor over to Cordy who puts him in the stroller. Cordy: "Hey, you wanna go for a ride? Oh, goodness..." Wes: "Connor. That's a lovely name. I don't suppose you ever considered Wes..." Angel, Gunn and Cordy: "No." Fred: "Not to be negative or anything, but - we're okay, right? Nobody else is coming after Connor or us?" Angel: "No. We're safe for the time being. - Let's go home. Nice stroller." Gunn: "Thank you." They walk out together, Fred and Gunn on the left, Cordy and Wes on the right, and Angel, pushing the stroller in the middle. Camera pans down to Connor and the screen fades to black.

Plan: A: the Hyperion; Q: Where does the gang return to? A: the kid; Q: Who is Angel scared to let out of his sight? A: Team Angel; Q: Who will help Angel keep his son safe? A: Connor; Q: What is Angel's son's name? A: the baby's enemies; Q: Who does Angel need help defeating? A: Holtz; Q: Who finds an ally in Justine? Summary: With the birth of Angel's son, the gang returns to the Hyperion to regroup. There are countless demons, humans and lawyers after the baby now, and Angel is scared to let the kid out of his sight. Team Angel will have to help him keep Connor safe and defeat the baby's enemies. Meanwhile, Holtz finds an ally, a vengeful woman named Justine.

THE CELESTIAL TOYMAKER by BRIAN HAYLES and GERRY DAVIS first broadcast - 23rd April 1966 running time - 23mins 57secs [SCENE_BREAK] 1. A PASSAGEWAY (STEVEN and DODO are with CYRIL is who now dressed as a schoolboy. He is about to lead them to the next game.) DODO: Steven - look. The Doctor's reached move 902. (DODO and STEVEN observe the tally.) STEVEN: Well, we'll have to hurry. C'mon, where's the next game we have to play? CYRIL: (Laughing.) Yaroooh! It's right over here. You won't find it so easy this time, you know... 'cause you see, you'll be playing against me! (CYRIL's round face with big, blue eyes displays a devilish expression that makes STEVEN and DODO draw back from him. They get over this, however, and follow CYRIL down the passageway. It gets brighter and brighter as they walk. Finally the come to a room saturated with light - the ceiling, walls, and floor are all lit up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. THE GAME ROOM CYRIL: Well, here we are. Here's the next game - TARDIS Hopscotch. (All over the floor in a twisted, snake-like fashion is a series of triangles lit up in different colors. They are numbered one to 14. Triangle 14 is the biggest, and it has the word "HOME" flashing on the top. At the other side of the room there is a triangle marked "START".) STEVEN: What are we supposed to do with it? (Cyril opens his hand to reveal dice. He offers one each to STEVEN and DODO.) CYRIL: Well, it's very simple, really. Y'see, each player takes one of these dice, and throws them onto the triangle, and the number that you've thrown will appear up at the end there, on the dice indicator. (CYRIL points to a large pole with red, white and blue stripes at the back of the room. Also at the back of the room is a police box.) CYRIL: That's to make absolutely certain that no one can cheat. And you move forward the number that you've thrown. The first one to reach triangle 14's the winner. Easy, isn't it? STEVEN: (Suspiciously.) It's too easy. What's the catch? CYRIL: No catch. First one home's the winner. STEVEN: (Shaking his head.) Then that gives us a two-to-one chance over you. CYRIL: Why, so it does! Well, there you are. You just jump from triangle to triangle. The first one home wins. STEVEN: Why do we have to jump? CYRIL: Well, you can walk if you like, but I shouldn't, if I were you. STEVEN: (Chuckling.) W-why not? CYRIL: (Smiling.) Well you see, all the area between the triangles is electric... and you'll be killed. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. THE CELESTIAL TOYMAKER'S PRIVATE STUDY (THE DOCTOR continues the game while THE TOYMAKER looks on.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (To THE DOCTOR, gloating.) I don't think your friends will do so well now, Doctor. Cyril hates to lose, so he makes sure that he never does. (THE DOCTOR's hand hesitates. The tally indicator reads 905.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Oh, don't stop playing, Doctor - you're so near the end. Soon you'll discover whether or not you got the sequence right. (THE DOCTOR does the next move.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: I think you need help. (To the game pieces in a high-pitched voice.) Go for a move - 930! (The game pieces, once again, move by themselves. The tally indicator moves up to 930.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: At this rate, you'll finish your game long before Steven and Dodo find the TARDIS. (Gloating.) It will be fun having you here! And your friends will make charming dolls. It may interest you to know that their chairs are ready and waiting for them in the doll house. (THE TOYMAKER points to a doll's house. In it are two tiny chairs, one labeled "STEVEN" and the other "DODO.") [SCENE_BREAK] 4. THE GAME ROOM (The group are getting ready to play.) CYRIL: Now, you all know what we have to do? STEVEN & DODO: Yes. CYRIL: Ah, ladies first, if you don't mind. (CYRIL bows to DODO. She throws her die on to the floor.) DODO: Three. STEVEN: Careful, Dodo. (DODO moves around the board a bit unsteadily, counting.) DODO: One... two... three. CYRIL: (To STEVEN.) Ah, and you're next. STEVEN: (Sarcastically.) You're just too good to be true, aren't you? (CYRIL just gives STEVEN another smile. STEVEN throws his die.) STEVEN: Four. (STEVEN moves around the board, counting.) STEVEN: One... two... three... four. (STEVEN lands on number five. A buzzer sounds. On the indicator in the back of the room the message reads "GO TO 7".) STEVEN: It says go on to number seven. Do I? CYRIL: (With big disappointment.) Yes, go on. (STEVEN moves again, counting.) STEVEN: One... two... CYRIL: Oh, by - by the way, I - I should have told you. I - if you land on a triangle that is already occupied, the first player has to go back to the starting post. STEVEN: (Sarcastic chuckle.) Now I see why you let us go first. Alright, go on, don't keep us in suspense. CYRIL: But it's all part of the game, ol' chap. (CYRIL rolls his die.) CYRIL: Ah, two. (CYRIL moves around, counting.) CYRIL: One... two. (Now he is on number three.) DODO: Right, my turn. I think I'm going to enjoy this game. (DODO rolls her die.) DODO: Three. (Very disappointed.) Oh, I'm sorry Steven. Do I have to send you back to the start? STEVEN: Look, surely we can't send each other back. We're supposed to be playing together. CYRIL: (Annoyed.) If you don't abide by the rules, you can't possibly win the game! DODO: He's right, Steven. We must play fair. After all, we are two to one. STEVEN: (Ungraciously.) Ummm! (With disgust.) Alright. (STEVEN starts hopping back to the starting point.) STEVEN: (To DODO with suspicion.) Watch him. (When STEVEN reaches the starting point there is a loud beep. The indicator in the back of the room lights up with the words "MISS A TURN.") STEVEN: (Dismayed.) What's that mean? CYRIL: (Laughing.) He's pretending he doesn't understand the rules! What a sense of humor! (Nastily.) Ya go back a turn! My turn now, I think. (He rolls the die.) CYRIL: Ah! A three. (CYRIL moves around, counting.) CYRIL: One... two... three! I'm two right behind you! [SCENE_BREAK] 5. THE CELESTIAL TOYMAKER'S PRIVATE STUDY (THE DOCTOR continues the trilogic game with THE TOYMAKER standing by.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (To THE DOCTOR, smiling.) Only 72 moves to go. Cyril seems to have the game well in hand. Your friends are tiring, Doctor. I don't think they're going to get your TARDIS back. (THE DOCTOR makes the next move.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: As you are certainly going to lose, I feel I should be kinder to you. You're no longer under the ban of silence. (He snaps his fingers.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (Softly.) There! I have given you back your voice. (THE DOCTOR says nothing but continues the game. The tally recorder reads 960.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Now you're sulking! Or have you forgotten how to speak? THE DOCTOR: (Angrily.) Throughout this game you have spent a great deal of trouble in trying to break my concentration! Hmm! And it's very unlikely that you will succeed now! (THE TOYMAKER says nothing.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. THE GAME ROOM (CYRIL was the last to go. While he is busy moving around the triangles, DODO turns her attention to the back of the room to check on THE DOCTOR's progress - the robot is there with the score. Afterward, she turns around and looks CYRIL's way. She screams, almost falling off her triangle. Someone in a hideous mask is staring at her.) DODO: Aaaaaaahhhhhh! (CRYIL removes the mask to reveal his face.) CYRIL: It's only me, Cyril. STEVEN: Look, I told you before about these idiotic jokes. She nearly fell off! (STEVEN jumps over to join them.) CYRIL: It's all part of the game, old chap. Now you can go back to the start for cheating! DODO: That's not fair, is it? CYRIL: Certainly! He moved out of his triangle, and it wasn't his turn. And I've landed on your triangle, so you can both go back to the start! STEVEN: (Totally frustrated.) Oh! I've had enough of this. He makes up the rules as he goes along. C'mon, Dodo. I'm going to the finish line. I want to see if that's the real TARDIS or not. (STEVEN begins hopping on the triangles, heading for "HOME". As he does so, THE TOYMAKER suddenly appears before him.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (To STEVEN.) Don't you like my little game? (STEVEN is briefly startled.) STEVEN: No, I don't! CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: What a pity to give up now, having overcome so many obstacles. DODO: (Shaking her head.) We're not giving up! CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Are you sure? STEVEN: I just want to get to the end of this! (STEVEN tries to get past THE TOYMAKER, but he can't. An invisible wall blocks him.) STEVEN: It's no good - some sort of invisible barrier. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Precisely. A barrier that yields only to those who play the game according to the rules! So perhaps you'll go back to the platform where you started. (THE TOYMAKER gives STEVEN a cool smile and then vanishes.) STEVEN: C'mon, Dodo. (They both head back to the beginning. As STEVEN lands on "HOME," something hits him on the neck. He nearly falls. He turns around as CYRIL puts away a sling-shot.) CYRIL: (Crying out happily.) Yeeahhh! One up for me. My turn now, I think. (He shakes the die.) CYRIL: Ah! A two. (He moves along and counts.) CYRIL: One... two. STEVEN: (To DODO.) I'm going to see if there's any invisible barrier around his backside! DODO: Better not. Who's turn is it? STEVEN: Mine. (He rolls the die.) STEVEN: Ah! That's better - six. (STEVEN moves about, counting.) STEVEN: One... (STEVEN nearly loses his balance when landing on "TWO.".) STEVEN: Three... four... five... six. (To CYRIL.) Do I get a second turn for a six? CYRIL: Eh? Certainly not! STEVEN: (Dryly.) No, I thought not somehow. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. THE CELESTIAL TOYMAKER'S PRIVATE STUDY (THE DOCTOR continues the trilogic game as THE TOYMAKER watches on.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (To THE DOCTOR.) I think they'll abide by the rules now, Doctor. Don't you agree? (THE DOCTOR is silent.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: There was no point in giving you back your power of speech if you're going to just sit there silent and solemn. THE DOCTOR: (Dryly.) And you seem to say quite enough for both of us. In any case, I'm busy. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Your friends are not doing very well. THE DOCTOR: I think your friend Cyril won't do so well when Steven catches up with him, hmm? (THE DOCTOR chuckles.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Poor Steven! Little does he know. You're playing too slowly, Doctor. (To the game pieces in a high-pitched voice.) Go for move 1,000! (The game pieces move themselves.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Only 23 moves to go. And look! (He looks up to the screen monitoring the game.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Your friend Steven has had to miss a turn. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. THE GAME ROOM (STEVEN lands on a triangle near the center of the game when he gets a "MISS A TURN". CYRIL is near the finish.) STEVEN: Oh, no! Not another "MISS A TURN"! CYRIL: (Laughing.) You can't possibly win now! Why don't you both give up? STEVEN: (Ignoring CYRIL.) It's up to you now, Dodo. C'mon, give it a good shake. (DODO rolls the die.) DODO: Six! (While DODO and STEVEN are concentrating on her move, CYRIL spreads powder around the triangle in which he is standing. He cautiously steps on the powder and his foot slides forward. He smiles to himself. DODO counts as she moves.) DODO: One... two... three... four... five... six! Now I only need four to get home. (Seeing that DODO is catching up to him, CYRIL is visibly disappointed. His eyes look hard and cold.) CYRIL: (Bragging.) And I only need three. And it's my turn now, too bad, isn't it, hmm? (He rolls the die.) CYRIL: (With big disappointment.) Ohhh... two. (He counts as he moves.) CYRIL: One... two. (The triangle he lands on buzzes and reads "GO TO 9". CYRIL turns to the others. They're watching the tally counter. CYRIL bends down trying to block the message with his body while he ties his shoe lace. DODO catches him out of the corner of her eye.) DODO: Steven, look! He has to go back to nine! STEVEN: C'mon! Look who's trying to cheat now? CYRIL: Give a chap a chance to grab his shoelace, will you. (CYRIL moves back very carefully so that he does not slip on the powder.) CYRIL: One... two... three... four. STEVEN: That's better. Now c'mon, Dodo! You must throw a four. (DODO shakes the die. CYRIL cuts in with a cry of agony. DODO turns to him and sees him lying on the triangle with one foot hanging over the edge. As he brings it up, DODO observes that he stocking is blood-soaked.) DODO: Steven, do you think he's really hurt? (CYRIL pulls off his shoe. His entire sock is soaked with blood.) STEVEN: (Exasperated.) It's another trick! Roll the dice! DODO: Look! He's bleeding! He's hurt! We simply can't just leave him! STEVEN: (Totally frustrated.) PLAY! DODO: NO! I'm going to help him! (She jumps over to CYRIL's square.) STEVEN: Dodo! DODO: (To CYRIL as she looks at his foot.) Oh, look! You'd better take your sock off. (As she pulls his sock off, she discovers that her hands are now covered with red ink, not blood.) DODO: (Surprised.) Hey! That's red ink! CYRIL: Of course it is! You're a silly little fool, you are! Now you can go back to the start for losing - letting - for getting out of your triangle - and miss a turn. That means it's my turn now! DODO: (Outraged.) Well, of all the spiteful things! (CYRIL jumps to his bare feet and rolls the die.) CYRIL: Teach you to think that you could beat me at a game! A five! (Rejoicing.) Hooray! I've won! Yahhh! Hoorah for me! Yahoo - (In agony.) Aaaahhhh! (CYRIL jumps the triangles toward the home base but forgets about the slippery trap he's prepared for STEVEN and DODO. He now falls into it. He tries to keep his balance but fails. He overshoots the edge of the slippery triangle and lands with a crash on the electrified floor. He screams, smoke rises, and then there is silence. CYRIL's charred body lies on the floor.) DODO: What happened? STEVEN: Well, I don't know. Poor old Cyril. (STEVEN jumps over to CYRIL's slippery triangle and manages to keep his balance. He examines the powder carefully.) STEVEN: Hey, this triangle is covered in slippery powder! He must have put this here himself and forgotten all about it. If he fell in his own trap, it serves him right. C'mon Dodo. The game's over. DODO: (Shaking her head.) No, we've got to play the game to the end. You heard what the Toymaker said. I'm sure I can throw that four. (She shakes the die and closes her eyes in concentration.) STEVEN: Alright! Well hurry! Look at that tally! (Now the tally reads 1,014.) STEVEN: The Doctor's almost finished his game! (DODO rolls the die and gets a "4".) DODO: (Squealing with delight.) Four! We won Steven! (DODO slips on the powder but keeps her footing.) DODO: Aahh! STEVEN: (Exasperated.) Oh, no! I told you about the powder. Now take it easy. We mustn't lose now. Now go on. I'll follow you over. (The two jump over the triangles and reach home base. They go to the police box. DODO puts her hand on the door and tries to open it, but it's locked.) DODO: Perhaps it's just another fake. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. THE CELESTIAL TOYMAKER'S PRIVATE STUDY (By now THE DOCTOR's almost completed his game - he's now reached 1,022. He is completely visible now as well since the others have, indeed, found the real TARDIS.) THE DOCTOR: (To THE TOYMAKER while tapping his lapel.) Well, I was right. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Make the last move, Doctor. (THE DOCTOR walks over to a control panel and switches on the screen.) THE DOCTOR: No! Not yet. Ehh, ehh, excuse me. Yes, I see Steven and Dodo have found the TARDIS. Wonderful trick! And, uh, your little trick is broken. I am now visible! CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: You are, indeed, Doctor. Well done. The three of you have won your little game. THE DOCTOR: I am glad you take it so calmly. Well, now, if you will excuse me, I will go and see if the TARDIS is alright. (THE DOCTOR gets up, walks over to the wall, part of which slides away, and passes through. He enters the game room where STEVEN and DODO are.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. THE GAME ROOM (DODO and STEVEN have their backs to THE DOCTOR as they continue examining the police box.) DODO: Just suppose it isn't the real one! STEVEN: But it must be! If it wasn't, something would have happened by now. And listen! (The police box hums.) DODO: What? STEVEN: It's humming. Only the real TARDIS does that. DODO: Are you sure the Toymaker couldn't have made one of his a humming one? STEVEN: Why didn't he make the others do it? THE DOCTOR: Well done, my boy! (Startled, STEVEN and DODO abruptly turn around.) STEVEN: Doctor! THE DOCTOR: Yes, I'm back with you. (STEVEN sighs with relief.) THE DOCTOR: Well done! I'm very glad to hear that you're bringing logic into your guesses. (STEVEN laughs.) DODO: Oh you're safe! You've won your game! (DODO hugs him.) THE DOCTOR: Yes, my dear, and I think it was high time that we were off. STEVEN: And I can't wait to leave this place. I don't want to play another game - ever! THE DOCTOR: Well, I don't think that's, ah, going to be likely, dear boy, hmm. (Instantly, THE TOYMAKER appears before them via the tally screen.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: I hope that I do not interrupt the council of war. THE DOCTOR: Oh, my dear friend, don't waste our time on trivial formalities. You have been defeated so now leave us alone! DODO: You know you must lose in the end. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Only I can win. If I lose, the Doctor and I go down together. (THE TOYMAKER and THE DOCTOR speak at once. THE DOCTOR wins out.) THE DOCTOR: Now don't start red herrings, you charlatan! CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Go on, young people. Go on! Ask your elderly friend if he can win completely. (There is a brief pause.) STEVEN: (In a low voice.) Is it true Doctor? Are we bound to fail? THE DOCTOR: (Shaking his head.) No, my dear boy. He's just tricking us into despair. Take no notice of him. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Tell them the truth, Doctor. Hide nothing. DODO: You must tell us. We ought to know. THE DOCTOR: Well, I am compelled to tell the truth. It is possible that, ah, the Toymaker can drag us down in defeat with him, unless... STEVEN: Unless what?? THE DOCTOR: Well, it's all very simple. It's a matter of the battle of our brains. DODO: Well, do we have a chance to escape? THE DOCTOR: Yes, we still have a chance, but we must proceed with cunning, hmm? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (Smiling.) An impossible chance. STEVEN: (To THE TOYMAKER, furiously.) As long as we defeat you, that's all I care! You can't beat us now. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: We shall see. THE DOCTOR: Well said, my boy, well said! CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Well said?? He doesn't even know what he is saying! (With disgust.) These adolescent expressions of loyalty. Before you make puerile promises, remember the past, your little adventures. Remember my power! STEVEN: (Angrily.) Your power?? We won through, didn't we? (Now THE TOYMAKER appears directly in front of them.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Perhaps... but would you dare to play those little games again? STEVEN: Not until I've laid hands on you! (STEVEN moves forward to attack THE TOYMAKER. THE TOYMAKER remains perfectly still, but he uses his power to send STEVEN crashing to the floor.) THE DOCTOR: Oh, it's no use, Steven. Leave him. (THE DOCTOR helps him up.) DODO: Are you alright? STEVEN: I... I couldn't touch him. THE DOCTOR: He's using his mind to turn your strength against yourself. (Waving his hand.) Now, go back into the TARDIS. I will deal with him. (STEVEN and DODO exit and go into the TARDIS.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Doctor, I offer you power. Power to corrupt, to destroy! Think of the exhilaration of that power! Serve me and live! THE DOCTOR: Never! Never, my friend! (THE DOCTOR laughs.) THE DOCTOR: You have been defeated! (THE DOCTOR turns around and enters the TARDIS. THE TOYMAKER smiles and then laughs to himself. He waves his hand and the trilogic game and two chairs appear. He casually sits down at the trilogic game, now next to the TARDIS, and rearranges his beautiful Mandarin gown.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: We will see, old man. The game is not yet over. We shall see. (There is a brief pause and then THE DOCTOR emerges from the TARDIS.) THE DOCTOR: (Furiously.) What have you done? Stop meddling with my ship! CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: It isn't what I have done, but what you have not done. You must finish the game. You cannot leave here until you have. THE DOCTOR: (Crossing to the trilogic game and looking down at it.) Your infantile behavior is beyond a joke. (THE DOCTOR raises his hand to pick up the last piece but stops. He now realizes something that he hadn't before.) THE DOCTOR: No! Of course, I mustn't. You very nearly caught me then, hmm? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Make your last move, Doctor. Make your move. THE DOCTOR: But if I do, this place vanishes, hmm? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (Nodding.) And then you have won completely! THE DOCTOR: And if this place vanishes, then the TARDIS, and the rest of us, will vanish also, hmm? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (With a self-satisfied smile.) Correct. That is the price of success. Make your last move, Doctor. Make your LAST move! [SCENE_BREAK] 11. INSIDE THE TARDIS (STEVEN and DODO are anxiously awaiting THE DOCTOR.) STEVEN: (Shaking his head.) What can be keeping him? DODO: Something the Toymaker has done to the TARDIS. The Doctor has to persuade the Toymaker to let us go. STEVEN: (Annoyed.) But we won his games. We have the right to go! The Toymaker said that! DODO: Now I'm here, I don't mind. I know I'm safe. STEVEN: I think I'm going to take... Oh, here he is! (THE DOCTOR enters the TARDIS. He looks worried and tired.) THE DOCTOR: Close the doors, my boy. (STEVEN closes the door.) STEVEN: So what's happened? (THE DOCTOR goes to the console and begins manipulating some controls and presses a button. Nothing happens.) THE DOCTOR: (Shaking his head.) It's no use! STEVEN: What's he done? THE DOCTOR: If we destroy the Toymaker, we destroy this world. STEVEN: Well, is that bad? DODO: Surely, that's a good thing. This is really a very sad place. THE DOCTOR: I don't think neither of you understand. As the games are over, and won by us, everything outside the TARDIS disappears. And if we are there... we disappear also. DODO: But we have won, and it hasn't happened yet. THE DOCTOR: But it will, my dear, the moment I go out there and make the final move of the trilogic game. STEVEN: (Pacing up and down.) Why doesn't he just let us go? He can't want to be destroyed. THE DOCTOR: (Shaking his head.) Well, he won't be. DODO: But if everything disappears, why not him? THE DOCTOR: If the Toymaker loses the game, his world will vanish, but he has the power to build a new one. DODO: How? THE DOCTOR: The Toymaker is immortal. He's lasted for thousands of years. Very occasionally, of course, he loses a game, and then he has to pay the price. STEVEN: And that price is the loss of his world? THE DOCTOR: (Nodding.) Yes, but, ah, he himself is not destroyed. He goes on forever. STEVEN: So we can't leave. THE DOCTOR: There must be a way. (THE DOCTOR turns back to the control panel and turns on the scanner. They see THE TOYMAKER sitting patiently by the trilogic board. Then he rises and walks over to the TARDIS. He touches it in an admiring way. He tries the door but finds it locked. He smiles. This enrages THE DOCTOR. He speaks to THE TOYMAKER through the microphone inside the ship.) THE DOCTOR: Will you leave my ship alone? Do you hear me? Will you leave my ship alone?? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (Playfully.) Let me have it, Doctor. It will be such an amusing toy. THE DOCTOR: Let me have the trilogic game in here. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (Chuckling.) Of course not. Be reasonable, Doctor. If I allow you to make the last move in there, then you can preset your controls and dematerialize at the same moment that my world vanishes. Then you will escape. THE DOCTOR: It will make no difference to you. You can build a new world. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Of course. And I look forward to that. I'm bored with this one. But I'm a bad loser, Doctor. I always destroy the destroyer! THE DOCTOR: (Emphatically.) I will not come out and make that final move! CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (Yelling.) Then you must stay there forever! STEVEN: Doctor, let me go out and make that move for you. THE DOCTOR: Oh, nonsense, dear boy, you don't want to disappear. STEVEN: Well, at least you and Dodo would get away. THE DOCTOR: (Moved.) Yes, well, that's very noble and kind of you, but I absolutely forbid it! You've done quite enough in getting the TARDIS back. STEVEN: Alright! But something's got to be done. We can't just stand here and talk our way out of this. THE DOCTOR: (Eyes flashing.) We can! That's just it! That's just what we can do! (To THE TOYMAKER.) Listen to me. I will make that final move. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: (Smiling triumphantly.) How sensible of you, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Go back to the trilogic game. Are you ready? (THE TOYMAKER smiles, shrugs his shoulders, and walks over to one of the chairs and sits down.) CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Whenever you are, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: (To THE TOYMAKER.) Very well. (To his group, in a soft voice.) Preset for dematerialization. (Shouting to the game pieces.) Go to move 1,023! (The game pieces do not move by themselves. THE TOYMAKER laughs. THE DOCTOR tries again, this time raising the pitch of his voice.) THE DOCTOR: Go for move 1,023! (THE TOYMAKER is now taken completely surprise. The game pieces begin moving by themselves.) THE DOCTOR: (To STEVEN.) Fast! The switch! (STEVEN hits the master switch. The TARDIS begins to dematerialize. Meanwhile, THE TOYMAKER tries to stop the game pieces from settling into place but fails. THE TOYMAKER's game room then falls apart - debris flies all over. THE TOYMAKER's world then explodes.) DODO: (Joyfully.) You did it! You did it! We won! STEVEN: (Happily.) Doctor, but how was it done? THE DOCTOR: (Still laughing.) My dear boy, it was your very idea! Your very idea! Don't you see? When the Toymaker wanted to move the pieces, he had to cu - to command them in a certain tone of voice to make them move at all. DODO: But you had to do it twice. THE DOCTOR: Yes, but in the first place, you see, I couldn't, because I used my own voice. DODO: I don't see. STEVEN: I do! The Toymaker wasn't playing! THE DOCTOR: Exactly, dear boy, exactly! Therefore, I had to imitate the Toymaker's voice to make them obey me, and they did. DODO: We'll never see him again, will we Doctor? THE DOCTOR: Oh, my dear, don't talk too soon. The mind is indestructible. So is the Toymaker. STEVEN: What? You mean he can never be destroyed? DODO: But you defeated him! THE DOCTOR: Yes, just at this moment. But there will be other meetings in another time. DODO: Then your battle with him will never end. THE DOCTOR: Yes, you're quite right, my dear. But anyway, let us cheer up. After all we did win the game! (THE DOCTOR laughs.) DODO: Hey, let's celebrate with these. (DODO pulls out the candy that CYRIL had given to her earlier.) THE DOCTOR: With what? DODO: Here, these. THE DOCTOR: What are they? DODO: They're Cyril's sweets. He gave them to me just before the race game. STEVEN: Oh, throw them away, Dodo. I only told you to take them so that we wouldn't waste anymore time. DODO: Oh, alright. (She's about to throw them away, but...) THE DOCTOR: (Signaling to DODO to keep the candy.) It's really interesting. The last present from the Toymaker. (He chuckles.) I wonder... (THE DOCTOR puts a piece in his mouth and then quickly cries out in pain.) DODO: (Panicked.) Doctor? What's wrong?

Plan: A: a strange domain; Q: What kind of domain do the travelers arrive in? A: an enigmatic, immortal entity; Q: What is the Celestial Toymaker? A: all eternity; Q: If the travellers fail at the games, they will be the Celestial Toymaker's playthings for how long? Summary: The travellers arrive in a strange domain presided over by the Celestial Toymaker - an enigmatic, immortal entity who forces them to play a series of games, failure at which will render them his playthings for all eternity.

PROLOGUE [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CAR LOT - DAY] (Leo is roaring the engine of a vintage green 1941 Ford truck, driver door opened. Piper stands next to him.) LEO: (enthusiastic) Ha ha! Listen to that baby, huh? PIPER: (not thrilled) Do what? LEO: Isn't she something? PIPER: She's somethin' all right! LEO: (gets out of the car) Oh, man. Straight six, four-speed tranny. Just like the one my grandpa gave me sixty years ago. PIPER: Uh, okay, sweetie, you're barely thirty. LEO: You know what I mean, the first time I was alive. PIPER: All right, keep it down, now, will ya? LEO: Oh. Right. Sorry. PIPER: Ooh. SALESMAN: (walks to them) So, what do you think? LEO: I think she's beautiful. (To Piper) What do you think? PIPER: I think nine thousand dollars is a lot of money! SALESMAN: Ninety-five hundred, actually, but that includes the original tailgate, which I've got out back. PIPER: (sarcastic) Well that makes it completely different! SALESMAN: Seriously, it's not easy finding a forty-one in working condition, and with matching serial numbers to boot. PIPER: (not convinced) Hmm. SALESMAN: I know it doesn't look like much now... PIPER: No, it doesn't. LEO: But it will when I'm done with it. You know, I just sand off some of the rust, adjust the carburetor, rebuild the engine... Come on, let's have the fun! You know, when I'm done with this puppy, it's gonna be worth, what? Twenty-five, thirty grand? SALESMAN: At least! (The salesman leaves Piper and Leo to let them discuss it privately.) LEO: Think, maybe someday I can pass it on to the boys. PIPER: (worried) How long you plan on keeping this thing? LEO: You know what I mean. Come on, this is a second chance for me, a chance to start over. PIPER: (smiling) All right. LEO: (overjoyed) Yes. Mmm... (Kisses Piper) I love you. PIPER: I bet you do! Okay, but seriously, the boys aren't running in it without car seats and helmets and like, elbow pads. LEO: Promise. PIPER: Okay. SALESMAN: (shaking Leo's hand) Let's go write it up! (Leo follows the salesman, leaving Piper alone contemplating their new purchase.) (Suddenly, Piper sees the Angel of Death standing in the middle of the street, staring at her silently. A car passes and drives straight through the Angel of Death's ethereal body. Shot of Piper looking worried. Cut to the...) [OPENING CREDITS] PART ONE [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - PAIGE'S BEDROOM - DAY] PAIGE: What? You saw the Angel of Death, and you're only telling me this now? PIPER: Well, I didn't wanna worry you. PAIGE: Well, where did you see him? When? PIPER: This morning, downtown with Leo. But I don't think it means anything, really. PAIGE: Piper, the only person that sees him is the person he's coming after. PIPER: No, that's not necessarily true. We all saw him last time, and nothing happened. PAIGE: Well, that's just because we were protecting the guy who was next on his list, who incidentally he got! PIPER: You're right, but if he really wanted me, he could've taken me right then and there, right? PAIGE: Okay, you have a point. PIPER: So, maybe... I just thought I saw him. Maybe I'm doing what I usually do around this point in my life. PAIGE: (sits on her bed) Okay, you lost me. PIPER: We're demon-light, the boys are happy and healthy, Leo and I are doing fine, so maybe I'm doing what I always do when everything is going well in my life. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. PAIGE: Yeah, that would be like the Manolo Blahnik of shoe drops, okay? (Paige picks up the phone.) I'm cancelling my lunch date. PIPER: No no no, you're not! PAIGE: (still holding the phone) Yes, I am! PIPER: No, you can't use my neurosis to justify your own! You're just looking for an excuse to get out of the date! PAIGE: I am not, and that's besides the point. PIPER: No, that's exactly the point. Now, Henry asked you out and you said yes, so you're going! PAIGE: (stands up) I don't want to! I don't even like him that way! PIPER: Which is clearly why you said yes. So you're gonna go, and if I see Death, I'll call ya. PAIGE: Fine. But if he gets you, I'm never talking to you again. [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL - DAY] (Billie, in her demonic outfit, black top & evil jeans, is pacing around. Behind her, to the left, Phoebe is sitting, hidden behind a table.) PHOEBE: (off-screen) This is taking a really long time. BILLIE: He'll show. PHOEBE: (off-screen) Maybe you were a little too cryptic with your clues. BILLIE: Well, I couldn't exactly tell the entire underworld that I'm a witch, okay? If this doesn't flush him out, nothing will. (Phoebe's cell rings loudly.) BILLIE: You're waiting a call? Here? PHOEBE: Yeah, great reception, huh? (answers) Hey Piper, can I call you back? INTERCUT WITH: [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - DAY] PIPER: Yeah, sure, no problem. I was just, you know, calling to see how you're doing, if you're okay, that's all. PHOEBE: Why wouldn't I be? PIPER: No reason, just checking. PHOEBE: Piper, what's going on? BILLIE: Hello? Demon! (Phoebe gestures Billie to shut up.) PIPER: Wait, wha-- Demon? What demon? PHOEBE: Oh, we're trying to lure out the demon that took Billie's sister and see if we can find out what happened to her. PIPER: No! No, no no no, you can't do that right now. PHOEBE: Why, Piper? What's happening? BILLIE: Phoebe! PHOEBE: (to Billie) Will-- you-- please-- PIPER: Well, see, the thing is, I may have seen... the Angel of Death today. PHOEBE: What? When? Oh my god, are you okay? PIPER: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just, you know, I'm calling to-- Have you seen him? PHOEBE: Who? Death? No. PIPER: Okay, well that's good, that's good, but still, you know, maybe you shouldn't... (Reinhardt flames in a few feet in front of Billie.) BILLIE: (whispering) He's here! PHOEBE: (to Piper) Gotta go! Gotta go! (Piper sighs.) REINHARDT: (walks towards Billie) You the one that's been asking about me? BILLIE: (casually, walks towards Reinhardt) Maybe. Are you the one that took that little girl fifteen years ago? Name's Christy, I think. REINHARDT: Nobody's supposed to know about that. BILLIE: Well, the demon that hired you does. REINHARDT: Yes. But how do you know, and why do you care? BILLIE: Let's just say it's personal. REINHARDT: Really? (Suddenly, Burke shudders into the room with a crossbow pointed at Billie's head.) PHOEBE: Billie! (With amazing speed, Reinhardt suddenly grabs Billie's throat with a metal claw attached to his left hand.) BILLIE: Uh! (As Reinhardt struggles with Billie, he places himself in the path of Burke's arrow. The arrow destined to Billie whizzes and plunges into Reinhardt's neck. He screams and collapses.) (Burke fires an arrow at Phoebe; she gasps and ducks just in time, and the arrow plows into the table instead.) (Burke speed-shudders to Billie.) BURKE: Nice try, witch! (Burke leans and touches Reinhardt's knee, then shudders out with him.) PHOEBE: (runs to Billie) Billie, are you okay? BILLIE: No, I'm not okay! I just lost the only clue to finding her! (They both sigh.) [EXT. SIDEWALK CAFÉ - DAY] (Paige and Henry are in the middle of their lunch date.) PAIGE: So, do you have any brothers or sisters? HENRY: No. Well, not that I know of. My parents were foster parents. PAIGE: That's right. Do you ever wonder... HENRY: Wonder who my parents are? PAIGE: (nods) Yeah. HENRY: No. I mean, what happened happened, right? Nothing I can do about it. I don't look back. I tell my parolees that too, don't look back, there's nothing you can do about it. PAIGE: (smiles) It's actually very good advice. HENRY: You have a great smile. PAIGE: Thank you. So do you. HENRY: (smiles) Thank you. WAITRESS: Can I take this? HENRY: Oh, sorry. We didn't even look yet. WAITRESS: Okay. Take your time. HENRY: Thanks. PAIGE: You know, actually, I should probably be going. HENRY: Me too. I had a great time, though. PAIGE: I did also. HENRY: (looks the check over) Your half is 14.50. (Paige looks at him and freezes.) I'll get some change. (Henry stands up and walks away. Paige's cell phone rings.) PAIGE: (answering) Hello? INTERCUT WITH: [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - DAY] PIPER: Hey. Are you all right? PAIGE: No, I'm not. PIPER: What do you mean? Did you see Death? PAIGE: (sulking) Nah. Just saw a cad. Nothing fatal, though. PIPER: I have no idea what you're talking about. PAIGE: Don't worry about it. Did you see him again? PIPER: Well, no, but Phoebe is out fighting demons. PAIGE: So, what's new? PIPER: What's new is she shouldn't be doing that with, you know, the Angel of Death lurking about. PAIGE: Fair enough. Okay. I'm on my way home. PIPER: Okay, but are you driving? Be careful driving! PAIGE: (rolls eyes) Yeah, okay. Bye. HENRY: (sits back with a few bills) Okay, fifteen... PAIGE: (icy, stands up) Yeah. Guess what. I got twenty. (Paige slams the money on the table.) Keep the change. (Paige leaves, leaving Henry dumbfounded.) [INT. MANOR - GARAGE - DAY] (Piper walks in, worried, searching for Leo.) PIPER: Leo? Leo? LEO: (on a dolly, working on his truck) Right here. PIPER: (drags him from under the truck) What are you doing under there? Get out, get out, get out! LEO: Whoa! What's the matter? PIPER: What do you mean, what's the matter? What if it fell? You could be crushed, you could be killed! LEO: Don't be silly, it's up on jacks! PIPER: So? You never know! LEO: You worry too much, you know that? PIPER: Well, what else is new? LEO: Come on, I know what I'm doing, nothing's gonna happen to me. (Piper sighs.) What's the matter? Talk to me. PIPER: Nothing, it's-- it's silly. LEO: Not if it's bothering you, it's not. Come on, I've learned by now that if you're worrying about something, then there's usually a good reason for it. PIPER: Great. LEO: You know, you don't do well by worrying. You do well by doing, that's your process. Worry first, kick ass later. You know, you don't do good on your heels. You like to take control. PIPER: I do, don't I? LEO: It's when you're at your best. PIPER: Right. (She turns away, then suddenly turns back, grabs and passionately kisses Leo.) I love you. (Piper exits hastily, leaving Leo confused.) [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] PIPER: All right, mister. I know you're lurking somewhere, and if you want something, you need to get your grim reaping ass down here or stop bugging me. (In the middle of Piper's speech, the Angel of Death appears behind her.) ANGEL OF DEATH: (folding arms) There's no need to be rude. (Piper turns around.) I was only trying to do you a favor. PIPER: Favor? Well, I don't want any favors from you. ANGEL OF DEATH: Oh, you'll want this one. You know, my job was so much easier before I met you and your sisters, it was so much less complicated. PIPER: For what's it's worth, I don't think taking people's life should be all that easy to do. ANGEL OF DEATH: It never is. Still, it's inevitable. PIPER: You're not taking me. ANGEL OF DEATH: You're right, I'm not. (Piper frowns. The Angel of Death walks towards Piper.) I'm taking Leo. PIPER: What? ANGEL OF DEATH: It's curious, I actually feel bad about it. No doubt a reflection about my knowing you. I don't normally get to know people long in my line of work, obviously. PIPER: You can't have him. ANGEL OF DEATH: You don't have a choice. That's why I came earlier. I wanted to warn you, to give you time to prepare. To say goodbye. PIPER: (shaking her head) No! ANGEL OF DEATH. I'm afraid you don't have much time. PIPER: (closes her eyes) Why? ANGEL OF DEATH. I'm not about why, or how, Piper. I'm simply when. You know that. PIPER: It's not right, and it's not fair, not after everything we've gone through and everything we've been promised. ANGEL OF DEATH: There's a reason for everything, even this. You know that too, Piper. I am sorry. (The Angel of Death disappears.) (Piper swallows hard. She picks up a notepad and writes something down.) PIPER: (chanting) Hide him from sight So I might fight Ignore which leaves bereft My husband from the Angel of Death (A loud crashing noise is heard from below. Piper rushes to...) [INT. MANOR - GARAGE - DAY] (... the garage.) PIPER: Leo? (shouts) Leo! LEO: (appears from behind the truck) What? What's the matter? PIPER: (sighs of relief) Oh, thank God. (Piper hugs Leo.) LEO: What happened? (The phone rings, Leo picks it up.) Hello? Okay, okay-- hold on a second. It's Paige. (Leo passes the phone to Piper.) PIPER: What? [EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - STREET - DAY] PAIGE: (frenzied) What!? What do you mean, what? Do you have any idea what is going on down here, do you? [INT. MANOR - GARAGE - DAY] PIPER: Wait, slow down. What's the matter? [EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - STREET - DAY] PAIGE: You're never gonna believe it. (A Leo lookalike walks in front of Paige.) (Another Leo lookalike, a businessman busy dialing a number on his cell phone, bumps into Paige.) BUSINESSMAN: Oh. Sorry. Excuse me. (Shot of the street. All men look like Leo. A car passes by, driven by a Leo lookalike.) (Shot of Paige looking stunned.) [SCENE_BREAK] PART TWO [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Phoebe is sitting on the couch, Paige on a chair. Piper walks relentlessly back and forth.) PHOEBE: Piper, I know the spell didn't work out like you wanted it to, but at least it bought us some time, right? PIPER: Yeah, but the Angel of Death is still after him. It's only a matter of time. PHOEBE: The time is on our side. I mean, now that the whole town looks like Leo, Death has gotta be confused. PAIGE: We can use the confusion to our advantage, until we can figure out how to really save Leo. PIPER: And how exactly are we gonna do that? I mean, we can't watch him, we can't protect him twenty-four hours a day, he wouldn't let us, and besides, he could fall in the shower, or trip down the stairs, it could be anything. PAIGE: We'll find a way. Where's Billie? PHOEBE: She's upstairs, trying to find the demon who took her demon. PIPER: Why don't you go keep an eye on her, make sure she doesn't get herself killed. PHOEBE: Wait, are you sure? PIPER: Yeah. I mean, we don't need the Angel of Death looking for two people in this house. PHOEBE: Okay. I'll be upstairs if you need me. (Phoebe walks to the attic.) PAIGE. We're gonna figure out how to save him. LEO: (off-screen) Save who? (Paige and Piper stare at him) What? (Flash to...) [INT. UNDERWORLD - BURKE'S LAIR] (Reinhardt, still a little dizzy, stands up. Burke looks down on him.) BURKE: Well, it's about time. (Burke inserts a magical crystal in a slot, entrapping Reinhardt within an invisible force field.) REINHARDT: You wi-- Ahh! (As Reinhardt walks towards Burke, he bumps in the invisible force field.) BURKE: Painful, isn't it? REINHARDT: (tries again) You-- Ahh! BURKE: (sneers) It was so simple. Any lower-level demon could understand. Do what you're hired to do, then disappear. But you didn't do that, did you? REINHARDT: Somebody was asking questions, nosing around. I had to cover my tracks. BURKE: No. Covering tracks is what I do, Reinhardt. You just had to shut up. (Reinhardt groans.) I'm curious. Do you have any idea who it was that was asking questions? REINHARDT: No. BURKE: A witch. One who also happens to be the sister of that girl you kidnapped lo those many years ago. REINHARDT: So? BURKE: So? She tricked you, tried to get you to talk. REINHARDT: Yeah, but I didn't say anything. BURKE: Only because I stopped you first. Because that's what I'm hired to do. (Burke ambles around Reinhardt. The camera pans and reveals several creatures frozen in transparent cryogenic containers lined up against the cavern's wall.) REINHARDT: (turns around) What are these? BURKE: Living trophies. Others who didn't do as they were told. You see, this goes beyond you, or me, or even that little girl you took. There's a far more powerful force at work here. (Burke slots a magical crystal and twists it. A cryogenic container materializes and instantly freezes Reinhardt.) BURKE: One that doesn't want to be found out. (Zoom on frozen Reinhardt.) (Flash to...) [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (The Book of Shadows page is on "Burke". Billie is copying the vanquishing spell on a notepad.) (Phoebe enters, biting her nails, looking preoccupied.) BILLIE: Hey, hi. Okay, okay, so this is good news, I found him. Supposedly his name is Burke, he's some demonic bounty hunter, but the good news is, he gets to keep his prey, so if we found him, we would be able to... Phoebe, hello, are you listening to me? PHOEBE: Yeah. I'm... sorry. Just... Leo's in a lot of trouble right now. BILLIE: What? Why? PHOEBE: Well, it's a long story, but basically the Angel of Death is after him. BILLIE: Are you telling me the Angel of Death really exists? PHOEBE: Yes, unfortunately. Piper and Paige are downstairs trying to figure out a way to keep him from getting to Leo, and... Piper sent me up here to help you. BILLIE: (doesn't seem to care much about Leo) Oh, okay, well, good, hopefully, we can find Burke really fast. I have a spell right here... PHOEBE: Billie, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I just don't think that I can do this right now. BILLIE: Look, I know. I haven't known Leo as long as you, Phoebe, but... I care about him a lot too. I mean, he's practically family to me. PHOEBE: Yeah, but he is my family. BILLIE: Like my sister is to me. PHOEBE: Yeah. I know. (sighs) Look, Billie, I'm really sorry, I'm just torn. You know, I wanna help you, I-- I really do, but I feel like I should be helping Leo right now. BILLIE: Well then, you stay here, and I'm gonna go, because I have to find out what happened to her. (Billie leaves.) PHOEBE: Billie... [INT. MANOR - PIPER'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Piper is sitting. Leo is walking back and forth nervously.) LEO: Why didn't you tell me, huh? What, you-- you don't think I have a right to know? PIPER: No, you do, I just-- I didn't know how to tell you. LEO: (laughs frantically) I can't believe this is happening, you know! I can't believe that I'm-- I'm-- PIPER: You're not going to, okay? I won't let it happen. LEO: How, huh? By hexing every man so he looks like me? It's not gonna stop him! PIPER: No, okay, that wasn't the plan, it's not what I meant to do, all right, I'm scared too! LEO: Okay, look, honey, I'm sorry, okay... (hugs Piper) I just-- I-- I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to do. PIPER: Don't do anything, just let us figure it out. LEO: How, huh? I'm mortal. I've been given a death sentence by the one guy who means it. (Turns away) You know, there's just... so much that I still wanna do, and I-- I don't know where to start. PIPER: I know, but listen, okay, you just need to stay here, you just need to stay put, and... LEO: What about the boys? What about Chris and Wyatt, you know? I-- I gotta go see Wyatt... PIPER: No no no, it's not... it's not safe. LEO: How am I supposed to tell him, huh? (Piper sighs) How do I tell him that? PIPER: (closes eyes) Okay, listen... (gets teary) You just gotta trust me, okay, I mean... We're gonna fix this! We will! But until we do, you just have to stay here. I mean it. Do you understand? (Leo nods.) (Piper hugs Leo one more time, then leaves the room.) [INT. MANOR - STAIRS / MAIN HALL - DAY] (Piper walks down the stairs. The Angel of Death is waiting for her.) ANGEL OF DEATH: I trust you said your goodbyes. (Piper stops two stairs above the Angel of Death.) PIPER: (crosses arms) I'm not gonna let you do this. ANGEL OF DEATH: Piper, we've been through this already. Now, where's Leo? (The doorbell rings.) PAIGE: (off-screen) Ooh, I'll get it. (Paige opens the manor's door. It's 'Leo', pizza delivery guy.) PAIGE: Oh, hi. Uh, do you mind just-- putting it on the table? (The pizza delivery guy leers at Paige with a lascivious smile as he slides past her.) (Shot of a satisfied Piper, standing cross-armed, and a befuddled Angel of Death.) (The doorbell rings again.) DRY CLEANING GUY 'LEO': (friendly) Here are the shirts. You're lucky we had 'em ready when you called. (The doorbell rings yet again.) PAIGE: Hi. Okay. Let me show you to the grandfather clock. REPAIRMAN 'LEO': Uh-huh. Thanks. ANGEL OF DEATH: What's the meaning of this? PIPER: What can I tell you? I run a very busy household. (The doorbell rings again.) PAIGE: And you are? HENRY 'LEO': I thought we should talk, after what happened at lunch. PAIGE: (mouth gapes) Henry? (The real Leo walks down the stairs and observes the situation.) PIPER: I told you, I'm not going to let you take my husband. ANGEL OF DEATH: You've obviously no idea who you're dealing with. REAL LEO: (walks down the stairs, to Piper) Uh, you seem to have a faulty receiver, ma'am. I'm gonna have to go get some tools. PIPER: Okay, well, uh, please hurry back, I don't want it to get any worse. REAL LEO: I know what I'm doing. ANGEL OF DEATH: Magic won't protect him for long, you know. I'll find him. I always do. (The Angel of Death disappears. Piper closes her eyes and sighs.) [INT. MANOR - FRONT PORCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS] PAIGE: Well, you know, Henry, I'm just a little... weirded out right now. HENRY 'LEO': Why? PAIGE: Well, Henry, umm... the thing is, there are just too many reasons to go into. HENRY 'LEO': More secrets, huh? You know, I just wanna know what went out at lunch. Everything was going fine, and then... PAIGE: Yeah, well, you know, I promised we will talk about that. However, right now, you're, um... obviously, a bit upset, and frankly, not yourself. HENRY 'LEO': Fine. [EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - STREET - DAY] (Leo's in a taxi, parked across of Wyatt's preschool.) TAXI DRIVER 'LEO': You know, the meter's running, pal. LEO: (gives the taxi driver a $20 bill) Take a break. TAXI DRIVER 'LEO': Fine by me. (The taxi driver gets out of the car. Leo sighs nervously.) (The Angel of Death appears next to Leo.) LEO: (startled and scared) Who are you? ANGEL OF DEATH: If you can see me, then you know. It wasn't easy finding you. Though I must admit I did rather enjoy the challenge. LEO: Please-- ANGEL OF DEATH: Don't bother. Trust me, I've heard it all before. LEO: But I don't understand why. I mean, my first life ended prematurely. And I gave up being a Whitelighter and an Elder so I can live again, so I can love again. You're telling me that that can't happen now? ANGEL OF DEATH: All life ends, Leo. Sooner or later. LEO: (looking at the preschool) Can I at least see my son again? (Leo turns around, but the Angel of Death disappeared.) (Leo opens the door.) (Just as Leo opens the door, a truck screeches and bumps in full force into the side of the taxi.) (The force of the blow shoves Leo across the back seat, bleeding and unconscious.) (The taxi's horn blares uninterruptedly.) [SCENE_BREAK] PART THREE [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BAY GENERAL HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - DAY] (Paige and Piper walk speedily across the hospital's hallway.) PAIGE: Here's the thing. We should have hope that it's not all that bad, right, I mean... look around, these guys are back to normal, and the spell obviously wore off. (Piper and Paige reach the ER's waiting room.) PIPER: Hi, I'm looking for my husband. NURSE: (holds a phone) Ma'am, if you'll just wait... PIPER: No, his name is Leo Wyatt, they called and said he was in some kind of car crash, and I just need to know... NURSE: Just a moment, please. PIPER: (snatches the nurse's phone and hangs it up) No, actually, I need to know where my husband is right now! DOCTOR: Did you say his name was Leo? PIPER: Have you seen him? DOCTOR: I'm one of the doctors on this case. PIPER: Case? What do you mean, case? DOCTOR: Your husband was admitted about a half hour ago, but we've managed to stabilize him. PIPER: Okay, so that's good, right? DOCTOR: Yes, that's good, but we really won't know the extent of his injuries until we operate. We're prepping him for surgery now. PIPER: (worried) Surgery? DOCTOR: It's called an exploratory laparotomy. To find out whether or not his internal bleeding is from a splenic laceration or a tearing of one of his kidneys or aorta... PIPER: Okay, wait, slow down. In English. Is it life-threatening? DOCTOR: Yes, it is. (There is a tense pause as the doctor's words sink in.) PIPER: I can't believe this is happening. DOCTOR: We're doing everything we can. I promise you. PIPER: (holds her head in her hands) I can't do this, I can't handle this right now! DOCTOR: Please try to be positive... PIPER: Ugh! (Piper freezes the whole room except Paige.) PAIGE: What are you doing? PIPER: I can't do this, this can't be happening! PAIGE: Yeah, but you can't freeze this problem forever, Piper. I'm sorry, but you can't! (Piper sighs, takes a moment to collect herself, then unfreezes the room.) PIPER: Uh-- can I see my husband, please? [INT. BAY GENERAL HOSPITAL - ER WARD - DAY] (Leo lies in bed, still, bruised badly. He's alone; the ward is empty.) (Piper walks in.) (Leo slowly opens his eyes.) PIPER: (quietly) Hey. LEO: What happened? PIPER: You're in a hospital. You had an accident, but you're gonna be okay. LEO: You've always been a bad liar. PIPER: They're gonna take you in for surgery soon, but I'll be waiting for you when you come out. LEO: Tell the boys... PIPER: No, stop it. You can tell them everything once you get out of here. We're gonna beat this, Leo, just like we always do. LEO: Piper... PIPER: No, listen to me. You can't give up. You gotta fight this. I can't do this by myself. DOCTOR: (off-screen) Ma'am, we're ready for surgery. PIPER: Don't give up. I love you. LEO: You too... [INT. BAY GENERAL HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - DAY] (Leo's being taken away by orderlies. Piper watches him leave.) (Paige walks to Piper.) PAIGE: How's he doing? (Piper gives Paige a hollow look.) Look, uh, you know, I've been thinking... something is not right about this. PIPER: Paige... PAIGE: No, I'm serious. Look, Piper, things like this don't happen to us. I mean, what if this isn't just an accident, what if there's something demonic behind it? PIPER: What are you talking about? PAIGE: The Angel of Death told you Leo was supposed to die, which means we're already way past random chance when the truck hit him. PIPER: You're grasping at straws. PAIGE: Maybe, but according to that cop over there, they have the driver in custody, which means this could very well not be an accident after all. PIPER: How does that help Leo? PAIGE: If there's something magical going on here, maybe something magical can fix it. PIPER: (ponders) Okay, see what you can do. (Piper walks away.) PAIGE: Where are you going? PIPER: To cheat Death. (Flash to...) [INT. UNDERWORLD - BURKE'S LAIR] (Billie walks around Burke's lair, examining the cryogenic containers. She walks to one of them and rubs the ice off, revealing a frozen Reinhardt. Billie gasps and flinches.) (Burke creeps behind her.) BURKE: Usually, I charge admission. BILLIE: (points at Reinhardt) That demon was mine! BURKE: Was being the operative word. (Burke moseys around Billie.) I'm afraid the one who hired me isn't ready for you to discover the truth. BILLIE: Yeah, and who might that be? BURKE: Ahh... wouldn't you like to know? Perhaps then you could get some answers about your sister. BILLIE: My sister. How did you know... (Burke speed-shudders behind Billie and smacks her. Billie is hurled across the lair by the force of the blow.) BILLIE: Ahh! BURKE: I always wanted a witch for a trophy. (Suddenly, an arrow whizzes and hits Burke in the neck. Burke groans and collapses.) (The arrow was shot by Phoebe. She's holding Burke's crossbow.) PHOEBE: Thought you could use a little backup. BILLIE: Thanks. What about Leo? PHOEBE: Piper'll call if she needs me. What's this guy's deal? BILLIE: (stands up) Well, someone hired him to take out Reinhardt. Same someone who knows about my sister. PHOEBE: What do you say we get some answers? (Billie nods.) (Flash to...) [INT. MANOR - 2ND FLOOR PARLOR - DAY] ANGEL OF DEATH: What do you want from me? I've already told you, there's nothing I can do. It's Leo's time. PIPER: I'll get Wyatt to heal him somehow. He's not dead yet. ANGEL OF DEATH: No, but he soon will be. PIPER: You said there was a reason behind this. ANGEL OF DEATH: There's a reason behind everything. That's why it's called the grand design. PIPER: But specifically this. You made a point of telling me that there was a reason, just like you made a point of warning me it was going to happen in the first place. ANGEL OF DEATH: Right. PIPER: I'm not asking you to save Leo, because I know you can't. I'm just asking you to tell me who can. I need to know why this is happening, especially if it was not an accident. I'll pull every connection I have, if you just point me in the right direction. ANGEL OF DEATH: You know, I could get in a great deal of trouble for this. I don't know what the greater reason is, but I do know there is one. Perhaps you should speak to those who know more about the grand design than I do. (The Angel of Death disappears.) PIPER: Thank you. [INT. MANOR - CONSERVATORY - DAY] (Piper is standing, arms crossed.) (An Avatar flashes in front of Piper. At the same time, an Elder orbs behind her.) ELDER: An Avatar? What are you trying to do? PIPER: I'm trying to save my husband's life. (Turns to the Elder) Any way I can. [SCENE_BREAK] PART FOUR [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - CONSERVATORY - DAY] ELDER: The very fact that you dare put me in a room with an avatar... AVATAR: Shows the open-minded view she's capable of having. ELDER: Says the one whose single-minded beliefs nearly destroyed us all! (Piper whistles hard.) PIPER: Listen. I'm only interested in talking about Leo right now, and I have it on very good authority that one or both of you can tell me why this is happening. So... I'm listening. ELDER: I don't know what you're talking about. PIPER: You know exactly what I'm talking about. Look, I don't care how it happens, I don't care who does it, but one of you is going to save Leo because both of you owe him. (To the Elder) Are you telling me that you won't heal Leo? (To the Avatar) Or you, that you don't have the power to fix this? (The Elder and the Avatar remain silent.) Well, somebody say something! ELDER: It's not that we won't, Piper. We can't. AVATAR: Using our powers to save Leo... It's a path that neither Elder nor Avatar can travel. PIPER: Hang on a second. Are you telling me that the first time you two agree on anything is when you decide to let my husband die?! (The Elder and the Avatar remain silent once again.) I don't think so. ELDER: I'm sorry. PIPER: No, you listen to me! Leo at one point in his life believed in both of your causes. He devoted his life at the expense of family to those beliefs, and you're telling me that you won't save that life? Why the hell can't you tell me what's going on? What is your big secret? ELDER: We don't have the... authority to share that information. PIPER: Fine, well if you don't, then who does? AVATAR: You might want to think twice before going there. PIPER: Going where? ELDER: You're going to need your sisters. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HENRY'S OFFICE - DAY] PAIGE: (knocks and enters) Hi. HENRY: Hey. PAIGE: Sorry I left without talking before. HENRY: Can't talk now, so... PAIGE: Well, it's not what I came for. HENRY: Why are you here? PAIGE: Look, I need some help. It's about my brother-in-law... HENRY: Hold it. You can't just storm out on lunch, then chime me on and show up here like nothing happened. You can't do that. PAIGE: (crosses arms) I didn't! HENRY: Good, let's talk about why you were upset. PAIGE: Okay. Here's the thing. I have no issue, you know, going Dutch with guys, I do it, you know, a lot, totally fine. But I guess I just kinda feel, eeh, maybe it's old-fashioned, that when someone specifically asks me out on a date, that maybe-- HENRY: (lifts finger) Who did that? PAIGE: You did. HENRY: I-- no. PAIGE: Yeah. You said, would you like to go for lunch on a date? HENRY: I said, would you like to go for lunch at Nate's. PAIGE: Okay, that's really embarrassing. HENRY: The embarrassing part of the story is that... I did want to make it a date. And I didn't ask you, because I was scared you were gonna say no. PAIGE: Misunderstandings. HENRY: So what can I do for you, Paige? PAIGE: Here's the thing. I need to speak to somebody in jail. The catch is, it has to be completely private, and you can't ask me why. [INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY] HENRY: How exactly is this gonna help Leo again? PAIGE: Henry, please stop fishing. (The door opens. A cop drags Lenny in the room.) LENNY: What's going on? Who's she, my PD? (The cop sits Lenny on a chair.) HENRY: Thanks, Jack. (The cop leaves the room.) All right, no one's on the other side, the cameras are off. He's all yours. PAIGE: Thank you. HENRY: Hope you know what you're doing. (Henry leaves and closes the door behind him.) LENNY: Yeah, hey, I hope you know what you're doing too, lady. I mean, uh, you're a grand-looking lawyer and all, but I gotta get out of here. PAIGE: I'm not a lawyer. LENNY: Oh no? Then what are you? PAIGE: (deadly serious) Actually, I'm a witch. (Paige clutches the Lenny's shoulder and orbs him out.) LENNY: Ahh! [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (Paige and Lenny orb in. Paige pushes him and he falls down, extremely frightened.) LENNY: Ahh! What the hell?!? (Stands up) Where are we? (Paige grabs him and shoves him in a chair.) Ahh! How'd we get here? (Paige smashes a potion near him.) What the hell was that? (Yellow hazy particles circle around Lenny.) PAIGE: Truth potion, Lenny. You're gonna tell me what's going on and who is behind this. LENNY: Behind what? (The yellow hazy particles permeate Lenny and he glows yellow for a blink.) Hey! Hey, I feel pretty good! What was that stuff? PAIGE: Never mind. The truth, now! LENNY: All right, okay. The truth is, I don't really have a license to drive a tow, I forged it. I'm not really from Jersey, I'm from Kansas. I only took... PAIGE: What? LENNY: ... the gig to pay back the bookie. And I didn't really lose the money, I stole it. 'Course, that's after I slept with his wife. PAIGE: No. Tell me about the accident! Which demon is behind this? LENNY: Demons? You wanna talk demons? PAIGE: Yeah! LENNY: All right. I stole from the collection plate, and even though I promised to return the money, I gambled it away. Well, actually, I rigged the game and made some dough, and then I lost it when I was picking the track. (Piper comes in.) PIPER: Paige, what are you doing? PAIGE: This is the guy who crashed into Leo. Although I'm beginning to think it really was an accident. LENNY: I told you! PIPER: It wasn't. Get rid of him. (Flash to...) [INT. UNDERWORLD - BURKE'S LAIR] PHOEBE: (holding a crystal, taunting) Hmm, now, I wonder what would happen if I put this right here. BURKE: No! Don't. Just-- put it down. Please! It'll kill me, I swear. BILLIE: Hmm. Might wanna keep that in mind. PHOEBE: So I guess that means you value your life. BILLIE: Enough to start answering some questions? BURKE: I already told you, I don't know anything, I just do as I'm told. BILLIE: You're lying. You knew who I was, you know about my sister, now tell us who hired you, or you're dead! PHOEBE: Uh-oh! BILLIE: Uh-oh, what? (Phoebe disappears in a swirl of glowing twinkles.) [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (Phoebe appears in a swirl of glowing twinkles.) PHOEBE: You know, a phone call would've done the trick. PAIGE: We're running out of time. PIPER: And so is Leo. [INT. BAY GENERAL HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - DAY] (Leo is being transported out of surgery. He's in a really bad shape.) [SCENE_BREAK] PART FIVE [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] (Piper, Phoebe and Paige are linking hands in a circle.) PHOEBE: Wait a minute. (She pulls her hands away.) Are we sure we know what we're doing here? PIPER: Phoebe. PHOEBE: Piper, I would do anything to save Leo, you know that, but this is just freaking me out a little bit. I mean, has anyone ever done this before? PAIGE: Well, we met the Angel of Destiny before. PHOEBE: I know, but we've never summoned him. He came to us, okay? I'm just saying. PIPER: Phoebe, I can't lose Leo. I won't. (Phoebe ponders for a while, then makes her decision.) (The three sisters link hands.) PIPER: Power of three, we summon thee And call to us the Angel of Destiny (A glowing golden ball spins around Piper, Phoebe and Paige. The ball explodes in shards, revealing a grey-robed Angel of Destiny.) ANGEL OF DESTINY: Who are you to summon me? PAIGE: You don't look like the one we've met before. ANGEL OF DESTINY: There are many destinies. And many angels. PIPER: Do you know why we called you? ANGEL OF DESTINY: Yes, though there's nothing I can do for you. This is Leo's destiny. PIPER: Why? Who says? ANGEL OF DESTINY: Who do you think? PHOEBE: Don't go there. PIPER: Listen, lady. I've jumped through a lot of hoops to get you here, and I want some answers, and I mean fast. PAIGE: Easy, Piper. PIPER: This was not any random accident. There's more to it than that, and I want to know what. ANGEL OF DESTINY: Who says there's more? PIPER: The Angel of Death. PAIGE: And an Elder. PHOEBE: And an Avatar. ANGEL OF DESTINY: Looks like I'm going to have to have a little chat with them. PIPER: First, you're going to have to have a little chat with me. Now, I don't understand this whole grand design thing, nor do I want to. But if your only concern is where we end up, isn't it up to us with free will and all how we get there? ANGEL OF DESTINY: Go on. PIPER: Just explain to me why Leo is destined to die right now. What does it mean for the whole big picture? Because maybe there is a way for us to get there... that he doesn't have to die. You have to give us a chance, you at least owe us that. (The Angel of Destiny's eyes glow for a moment.) ANGEL OF DESTINY: There's one more battle on the horizon for you three. One unlike you've ever faced before, one you won't see coming, and one you may not survive. PIPER: (shakes her head) What does that have to do with Leo? ANGEL OF DESTINY: The loss, the pain will motivate you, all of you to fight, without which you will have no chance to prevail. PHOEBE: Won't you please try to let us find a way to do this without Leo dying? ANGEL OF DESTINY: What exactly do you have in mind? (Flash to...) [INT. UNDERWORLD - BURKE'S LAIR] (Billie slots a magical crystal, trapping Burke within an invisible force field.) BILLIE: My sister, is she alive or not? BURKE: All right. All right. I'll talk. (Billie stares at Burke, chock full of hope.) (The Angel of Destiny, Piper, Paige and Phoebe appear off-screen.) PHOEBE: Billie, wait. BILLIE: (turns around) What are you guys doing here? Who's that? (Shot of the Angel of Destiny.) PHOEBE: Someone that can save Leo. PAIGE: But we're gonna need his help. PIPER: We don't have a lot of time. Leo's about to die any second, and this was the only way we could think of to save him. BILLIE: How? PHOEBE: (takes a step forward) By doing to Leo what he does to his trophies. Freezing him. BURKE: But that's only if I agree to help, right? I mean, Blondie here knows how to torture all right, but she can't freeze anyone. PAIGE: What's your point, what do you want? BURKE: It's a little thing called amnesty. You don't come after me, you don't touch me, I'm completely free, and I don't have to talk to you or anyone else about her sister. BILLIE: (panicking) No no no, you can't do this! He knows something! PIPER: I know, sweetie, I know, and I swear we'll find your sister, I promise. But this is Leo's only hope. (Shot of Billie looking torn. She sighs.) BILLIE: (weakly) Okay. PIPER: (to Burke) Deal? (Burke nods.) PIPER: (to the Angel of Destiny) Go ahead. (The Angel of Destiny closes his eyes. Leo appears as he was before the accident. Burke is teleported near the magical crystals.) LEO: What's going on? Where am I? PIPER: (walks to Leo) It doesn't matter. All that matters is you're gonna be safe. LEO: What do you mean? What's going on? PIPER: Remember when I told you you just had to trust me? This is the only way. LEO: The only way? Piper... PIPER: I have to lose you to save you. It's just... how screwed up destiny is. You kind of got caught in the middle. I'm so sorry. (Piper cries.) (Phoebe hangs her head.) LEO: It's all right. We have... been through worse... PIPER: No. We haven't. LEO: We're gonna get through this. (A teary Piper nods.) PIPER: Of course we will. ANGEL OF DESTINY: It's time. (Piper closes her eyes and cries.) (Burke places a magical crystal in its slot. The crystal glows.) PIPER: I love you. LEO: I love you too. (They kiss. Piper painfully steps back.) (Piper cries. Phoebe sends Leo a kiss. Paige has tears running down her face.) (Burke places a second magical crystal in its slot. The Angel of Destiny nods. Burke rotates the crystal. A cryogenic container appears and Leo instantly freezes.) (Piper covers her eyes.) (Shot of frozen Leo.) (Billie looks aside.) ANGEL OF DESTINY: You will find your sister, Billie. It's your destiny. (To the sisters) If you prevail, he will be returned. If not... (The Angel of Destiny transforms into a golden swarm of light particles. The golden particles of light swirl around Leo, and he vanishes with them.) (Piper shakes her head in disbelief.) (Piper joins her hands, then builds up enough courage and walks to her sisters and Billie.) PIPER: Let's go home. (Burke watches them orb out with a satisfied smile.) (Suddenly a veil of green dust encircles Burke.) BURKE: Wait! No! I did what you asked, didn't I? I kept her from finding out about her sister! (The dust swirls around Burke until he explodes in flames.) Ahh! (The now-yellow cloud shoots across the room and destroys Reinhardt's container in a huge explosion. The shattered remnants of Reinhard's container fade away.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HENRY'S OFFICE - NIGHT] (Paige, weeping, slowly walks in. Henry stands up. Paige hugs him..) (Fade to...) [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT] (Phoebe's on the floor. She's playing with Wyatt; Chris is on her knees playing with a rattle. She looks pensive.) (Fade to...) [INT. MANOR - GARAGE - NIGHT] (Piper's crying unrestrainedly. Finally, she collects herself, wipes off her eyes with a handkerchief, sighs... She turns off the light and leaves.) FADE TO BLACK

Plan: A: a warning; Q: What does Piper receive from the Angel of Death? A: the Angel of Death; Q: Who warns Piper that Leo is on his list of souls to collect? A: Piper; Q: Who casts a spell to make everyone look like Leo? A: a deal; Q: What does Piper try to cut with the Angel of Destiny? A: Billie; Q: Who tracks down a lead in her attempt to locate her sister? A: Paige; Q: Who has her first date with Henry? Summary: After receiving a warning from the Angel of Death that Leo is on his list of souls to collect, Piper casts a spell to make everybody look like Leo so Death can't complete his job. She then turns to the Elders and Avatars for help in keeping Leo safe, only to discover that it's Leo's destiny to die. As a result, Piper turns to the Angel of Destiny in an attempt to cut a deal to keep him alive. As Billie tracks down a lead in her attempt to locate her sister, Paige has her first date with Henry.

[Elena's house.] Elena wakes up. She hears a noise. ELENA: Hello? Jeremy? Hello? MAN ON TV: This is Logan Fell coming to you live from the streets of Mystic Falls with breaking news of another deadly animal attack. The wild animal terrorizing the citizens of Mystic Falls has claimed another victim, local high school student Elena Gilbert. Police are certain that forensic eviden will confirm that this is the same animal responsible for recent attacks. DAMON: You know it's coming next. She runs. Damon beats her. [Stefan's bedroom.] Stefan wakes up. STEFAN: Ah! DAMON: Bad dream? STEFAN: Ah. DAMON: Do you know how easy it was to get into your head just now? You really need some human blood. It might even the playing field. Football reference. Too soon. Stefan launches a knife on Damon. DAMON: All right, I deserved that. But I just wanted to let you know, they caught the culprit. The animal responsible for killing coach tanner and all those people. STEFAN: What are you talking about? DAMON: It was a mountain lion. Really big one. It attacked a hunter this morning. It's all over the news. "Deadly beast captured. All's well in Mystic Falls." STEFAN: Why would you cover your tracks? DAMON: I've decided to stay a while. I'm just having way too much fun here with you and Elena. STEFAN: Can't touch her now. DAMON: Well, the vervain keeps me out of her head. Maybe that's not my target. Believe it or not, Stefan, some girls don't need my persuasion. Some girls just can't resist my good looks, my style and my charm and my unflinching ability to listen to Taylor Swift. Damon plant the knife in Stefan's belly. DAMON: This is John Varvatos, dude. Dick move. [Stefan's house.] Stefan is writing is diary. SHERIF ON TV: I can confirm that a 12-Foot puma mountain lion attacked a hunter and was subsequently shot and killed. The hunter is in stable condition. STEFAN: The real animal is still out there, waiting for me, challenging me to fight back, to stop him. But how do I stop a monster without becoming one myself? [Elena's house.] MAN ON TV: To repeat, the animal terrorizing Mystic Falls has been caught. JENNA: Scum ball. Scum bucket. ELENA: Who are you talking to? JENNA: Him. The news guy, also known as Logan "Scum" Fell. Did your mom ever tell you why I moved away from Mystic Falls? ELENA: Oh, no way. You and him? He's cute. JENNA: He is not cute. There's nothing cute about him. What are you doing with that? ELENA: I went yesterday and got it from the safe deposit box. Mom had told Mrs. Lockwood she would loan it to the founder's council for their heritage display. Is that grandma beth's wedding ring? ELENA: Originally it was great-Great-Grandma mary's wedding ring. JEREMY: How much do you think this stuff is worth? You know, like on ebay? ELENA: You're not gonna find out. JEREMY: That stuff is mom and dad's. You can't just give it away. ELENA: I'm not giving it away. It's called a loan, Jeremy. Doorbell rings. STEFAN: Hi. She kisses him. ELENA: Hi. [Elena's bedroom.] Stefan is kissing Elena. But he sees in the mirror he begins to transform. He stops kiss her. ELENA: Are you ok? STEFAN: I'm good. Sorry. ELENA: Maybe we should press pause. STEFAN: Yeah, you're probably right. That was getting a bit... ELENA: Yeah. STEFAN: Yeah. ELENA: How do you look in a suit? STEFAN: I can pull one off. ELENA: How about tomorrow night? Will you be my date to the founder's party? STEFAN: They still do that? ELENA: Have you been before? STEFAN: No, the Salvatores don't get invited anymore. ELENA: Well, this year, there's this heritage project that meant a lot to my mom. She was really involved in the founder's council, and it was her favorite party. I know it sounds really boring, but-- STEFAN: I would be honored to accompany you, Miss Gilbert. ELENA: The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Salvatore. [Caroline's bedroom.] DAMON: No yellow. Jaundice. Go for the blue. CAROLINE: I don't like the blue. DAMON: Well, I do. And if I'm gonna be your date-- CAROLINE: You cannot be my date. My mother is going to be there, and she is a very proud gun owner. DAMON: I went through a lot of trouble to make sure this party wasn't cancelled. It's very important I be there. Please take me. CAROLINE: You should come to the founder's party with me. DAMON: Not if you're wearing that dress. At's so special about this Bella girl? Edward's so whipped. CAROLINE: You gotta read the first book first. It won't make sense if you don't. DAMON: Ah, I miss Anne Rice. She was so on it. CAROLINE: How come you don't sparkle? DAMON: Because I live in the real world, where vampires burn in the sun. CAROLINE: Yeah, but you go in the sun. DAMON: I have a ring. It protects me. Long story. CAROLINE: These bites turn me into a vampire? DAMON: It's more complicated than that. You'd have to feed on my blood, then die, then feed on a human's, whole ordeal. This book, by thwawa has it all wrong. CAROLINE: You can be very sweet when you want to be. DAMON: Yes, I can be sweet. CAROLINE: Are you going to kill me? DAMON: Mm-Hmm. But not yet. CAROLINE: Why not? DAMON: Because there's something I need you to do for me. CAROLINE: Anything. DAMON: How good are you at getting this little nose Where it doesn't belong? CAROLINE: Oh, I'm excellent. DAMON: Mmm. [Mystic Grill.] Tyler is eating with his parents. MR LOCKWOOD: So what happens with the season? One big forfeit? Are they looking for a new coach? TYLER: I don't know, dad. I doubt anybody's thinking about that right now. MRS LOCKWOOD: Charles, founder's party, focus. VICKI: How are y'all doing over here? MR LOCKWOOD: Ah, we're doing great, sweetheart. VICKI: Is there anything else I can get you? TYLER: We're fine, thanks. MR LOCKWOOD: Just the check, honey. VICKI: Here you go, Mayor Lockwood. MR LOCKWOOD: Thanks. Caroline arrives with Bonnie. BONNIE: You're taking Damon to the founder's party? What about me? CAROLINE: Go with Elena. BONNIE: She's asking Stefan. CAROLINE: Ok, go by yourself. BONNIE: Gee, thanks. What about your mom? Is she ok with you bringing Damon? CAROLINE: And I'm supposed to care why? BONNIE: He's older sexy danger guy. CAROLINE: Older sexy danger guy? Is that an official witch twitter tweet? BONNIE: No more witch jokes, ok? At whole Mr. Tanner prediction thing has me freaked. CAROLINE: Ok. And Damon's not dangerous. You know, he just has a lot of issues with his brother. You know, like major, deep-Rooted drama. BONNIE: Like...? CAROLINE: I'm not really supposed to say anything. BONNIE: Caroline Forbes, when have you ever kept a secret in your life? CAROLINE: Ok. But you can't tell Elena. BONNIE: No. TYLER: So what you gonna buy me? VICKI: Ugh, some class. Oh, your parents are gone. I guess can bebclose now. TYLER: What the hell does that mean? VICKI: You treat me like trash. I'm sick of it. TYLER: I don't think you're trash. VICKI: Really? Then who are you taking to the founder's party? TYLER: Vicki Donovan. Do you want me to ask you to the founder's party? VICKI: No. It'll be stupid and lame. TYLER: True. But it'll be less stupid and lame if you were there. JEREMY: You realize you had to ask him to ask you, right? You figure if you dress up like a respectable young lady, he'll finally treat you like one? VICKI: Screw you, jeremy. JEREMY: You know you're making the wrong choice, yet you make it anyway. It's sad. [Salvatore's House.] ZACH: I didn't know you were here. DAMON: Just going through Stefan's homework. Boy, this country sure has dumbed down in the last hundred years. Why he wants to go to high school is beyond me. I mean, in the seventies, he went Ivy League. Harvard, I understood. Actually, no. I didn't get that either. Go ahead, purge. Get it out. What's on your mind? ZACH: Why are you here, Damon? DAMON: To spend time with you, Zach. Family's important. ZACH: I know you. You always have a motive. So tell me, what is it this time? DAMON: You are in no position to question me. ZACH: I didn't mean to upset you. DAMON: This is not upset, Zach. STEFAN: What's going on? DAMON: Having a family moment, Stefan. Spending some quality time. STEFAN: Hey, are you ok? ZACH: No, I'm not. And neither are you. How many more people have to die before you see that? STEFAN: I see it. All right, Zach, I see it. ZACH: Then why aren't you doing anything about it? STEFAN: I can't, Zach. I can't. It would take human blood. It's the only way that I could stop him, and I can't do that. ZACH: The vervain could weaken him if he ingested it. It would help get you the upper hand. STEFAN: Vervain hasn't grown here since 1865. Damon saw to that. The little I had, I gave to Elena. What? Stefan and Zach down in the cellar. STEFAN: You've been growing it. ZACH: It's just something that's been passed down through the generations. Blood only runs so deep when you're related to vampires. Damon would kill me if he knew that I had it. STEFAN: But you're telling me. Why? ZACH: Because I trust you. And you're gonna need it if you want to get rid of him. [Elena's house.] TYLER: I'm here for my mom. I was supposed to pick up a box of stuff. ELENA: Right here. Please be careful. JEREMY: Yeah, careful with it, dick. ELENA: Hey! Not now, ok, guys? Please? TYLER: I'm fine. He's just being a punk. JEREMY: I got your punk. ELENA: Look, Tyler, maybe you should go. Tell your mom that I'll see her tonight. TYLER: Hey. Would it make a difference if I told you I actually like Vicki? JEREMY: Not even if you meant it. BONNIE: Delicate flower vs. Naughty vixen. ELENA: Tough call. Can we mix them? BONNIE: Look at you, getting all pretty for your date. You seem happy-Ish. ELENA: I am...ish. Tonight's going to be a good night. But don't let that stop you from telling me whatever it is you wanted to tell me as soon as you walked in the door. BONNIE: What if I tell you in the morning? I don't want to ruin the night. ELENA: Bonnie, out with it. BONNIE: Ok, but it has to go in the vault, because Caroline will kill me if it gets back to Damon that she squealed. Apparently Stefan has a very interesting back story. ELENA: Uh-Huh. BONNIE: Do you know what happened with his ex-girlfriend Katherine? ELENA: I know that they both dated her and that's why they have issues. BONNIE: Yeah, they both dated her, only she chose Damon. And that drove Stefan mad, he did horrible things to try and break them up. He manipulated Katherine. He filled her head with all these lies until finally it worked, and she turned against Damon. ELENA: That sounds like one person's side of the story, meaning Damon's. BONNIE: I just wanted you to know. ELENA: Anyway, his past relationships are none of my business. BONNIE: Unless he's a calculating, manipulative liar. That is your business. ELENA: Stefan is none of those things. BONNIE: Yeah? How do you know? [Stefan's House.] DAMON: Do they still wear ties at this thing? STEFAN: Why are you even going? DAMON: It's only fitting. We were at the very first one, remember? STEFAN: I think it's better if we don't draw attention to ourselves. DAMON: So you should stay here. I'll see to it Elena has a good time. STEFAN: My goodness, I've driven you to drink. Can't seem to rid myself of you. What else am I supposed to do, besides go about living my life? DAMON: Go about living my life. See, therein lies your eternal struggle. You're dead, dude. Get over it. STEFAN: What do you think? [Elena's house.] ELENA: Hello? Hi, Mrs Lockwood. What do you mean? It is? Are you sure? 'Cause I saw it. Let me check. Mm-Hmm. I will find it and bring it. Ok. Bye. BONNIE: What's wrong? JEREMY: Ahh! God, what now? ELENA: The pocket watch. Where is it? JEREMY: What watch? ELENA: The one you stole from mom's box. Look, Mrs Lockwood just called me, freaking out. It was on the list, Jeremy. And she can't find it, and she thinks she's the one who lost it. JEREMY: Maybe she did. Maybe Tyler took it. ELENA: Don't even play that card. Jeremy, you took it. If I go online, am I going to find it on ebay? Is that how you pay for your pot? JEREMY: Screw you. I would never sell this, ok? ELENA: Then why did you take it? JEREMY: Because it's supposed to be mine. Dad said it goes to the firstborn son. His father gave it to him, and now what? ELENA: And he was going to give it to you. JEREMY: Yeah. ELENA: Look, Jeremy, it's still yours, ok? Mom promised Mrs Lockwood. What do you want me to do? JEREMY: Just take it and get out. [Salvatore's house.] DAMON: It's cool not growing old. I like being the eternal stud. STEFAN: Yes, being a 150-Year-Old teenager Has been the height of my happiness. DAMON: You cracked a funny, Stefan. I should have a drink to celebrate. 1864. You and Katherine were the perfect couple. It was hell watching you dance with her. STEFAN: My happiness was short-Lived, as you well know. DAMON: I remember. I left the party early, I was waiting for her. The night you dropped her off, I was waiting just inside. You were such a gentleman, gave her a kiss on the cheek. And what she really wanted was... Oh, well. Here's to history repeating itself, huh? He drops the glass. DAMON: I admire your effort, Stefan. Pouring yourself a drink then spiking the bottle with vervain. STEFAN: I'm not some drunk sorority chick. You can't roofie me. But I can't help but feel a little used. I thought we were having a moment. I have to go to the party angry. Who knows what I'll do? [At the founder's party.] VICKI: Hi. How are you? TYLER: Uh, let's go this way. VICKI: Why? TYLER: Line's too long. We can go around back. Come on, party's in the back. [Salvatore's House.] ZACH: That was his favorite scotch. I'm sorry, I thought it would work. STEFAN: I wasn't counting on it. ZACH: You knew it would fail? STEFAN: Did what I wanted. It lowered his guard. You won't expect me to try again so soon. ZACH: I doubled what I put in the scotch. Elena makes the watch to Jeremy. [At the founder's party.] MRS LOCKWOOD: Caroline! You look smashing. CAROLINE: Thank you, Mrs Lockwood. This is my boyfriend Damon. MRS LOCKWOOD: Oh, well, come on in. DAMON: Lovely to meet you. I've been looking forward to this party for quite a while. MRS LOCKWOOD: Well, enjoy. CAROLINE: Wait here. CAROLINE: Really, you couldn't even change out of the badge for this? SHERIF FORBES: I'm working, honey. Who's the date you just tried to sneak past me? CAROLINE: Just some guy. SHERIF FORBES: He's a little old for you, don't you think? CAROLINE: Oh, 'cause otherwise you'd approve. Yeah, I doubt that. ELENA: Hi, mayor Lockwood. MR LOCKWOOD: Hey. Hey, guys, on in. STEFAN: Thank you. SHERIF FORBES: Where's your dad? CAROLINE: Memphis. SHERIF FORBES: Good. CAROLINE: With Stephen. Elena is watchin her parents' wedding Ring. STEFAN: Your parents? ELENA: There's a lot of history here. Jenna is drinking. LOGAN: Jenna. JENNA: Hello Logan. LOGAN: It's good to see you. JENNA: I thought I might see you here. LOGAN: You knew it. JENNA: I dreaded. LOGAN: But were secretely hoping. JENNA: And now that I have... LOGAN: Whoa, hey, not so fast. I know you. You have a lot more insults in you, I can tell. JENNA: Your hairline's receding. LOGAN: No, it's not. You want to have lunch? JENNA: Nope. LOGAN: You haven't changed a bit. JENNA: Oh, yes, I have. I'm meaner now. Elena is reading the first registry. ELENA: "The founding families in Mystic Falls welcomes you to the inaugural founder's council celebration." Wow, look, it's the original guest registry. Look at all these familiar names-- Sheriff William Forbes, Mayor Benjamin lockwood. Is that Damon Salvatore? And, look, Stefan Salvatore. DAMON: The original Salvatore brothers. Our ancestors. Tragic story, actually. STEFAN: We don't need to bore them with stories of the past. ELENA: It's not boring, Stefan. I'd love to hear more about your family. CAROLINE: Well, I'm bored. I want to dance. And Damon won't dance with me. DAMON: Mm-Mmm. CAROLINE: Could I just borrow your date? ELENA: Oh, uh... STEFAN: I don't really dance. DAMON: Oh, sure he does. You should see him. Waltz, the jitterbug, the moonwalk. He does it all. CAROLINE: You wouldn't mind, would you, Elena? ELENA: It's up to Stefan. They are going to dance. DAMON: I want to apologize to you for being such a world-Class jerk the other night when I tried to kiss you. There's no excuse. My therapist says I'm... Acting out, trying to punish Stefan. ELENA: For what? DAMON: It's all in the past. I don't even want to bring it up. Let's just say that the men in the Salvatore family have been cursed with sibling rivalry. And it all started with the original Salvatore brothers. STEFAN: Damon told you to ask me to dance. Didn't he? CAROLINE: Now why would he do that? STEFAN: Would you like one? CAROLINE: Ok, just tell me if you see my mom. DAMON: The Salvatore name was practically royalty in this town. Until the war. There was a battle here-- ELENA: The battle of willow creek. DAMON: Right. ELENA: I know, we talked about it in class. Confederate soldiers fired on a church with civilians inside. DAMON: What the history books left out was the people that were killed. They weren't there by accident. They were believed to be union sympathizers. So some of the founders on the confederacy side back then wanted them rounded up and burned alive. Stefan and Damon had someone they loved very much in that church. And when they went to rescue them, they were shot. Murdered in cold blood. ELENA: Who was in the church that they wanted to save? DAMON: A woman, I guess. Doesn't it always come down to the love of a woman? ELENA: Look, I'm sorry that you and Stefan have this thing between you, but I can't get in the middle of it, Damon. I just... I hope you two can work it out. DAMON: I hope so, too. [SCENE_BREAK] Vicki and Tyler on a bench, away from the party. VICKI: So you want to dance? TYLER: Me dancing? Not pretty. VICKI: Maybe you could show me around. I mean, this place is amazing. TYLER: Yeah, if you like living in a museum. VICKI: Maybe I should just strip naked and give pastor bill a lap dance. I mean, that's why we're hiding in a corner all night, isn't it? You're scared of how I'm going to act? You afraid of what your parents are going to think about your date from the wrong side of the tracks? TYLER: I don't care about what they think. VICKI: Great. Let's go say hi. TYLER: Knock it off, vick. VICKI: Or we could just, you know, sneak up to your bedroom. As long as nobody sees us, right? TYLER: Vicki, I swear... VICKI: What's a matter, Ty? You scared to stand up to your mommy? It's pretty pathetic. TYLER: Let go! MRS LOCKWOOD: Tyler... We didn't get a chance to say hello earlier. It's Vicki, right? Matt's sister. VICKI: Yes, madame. MRS LOCKWOOD: You'll have to forgive my son's rudeness. He gets it from his father. VICKI: Well, that's ok, Mrs Lockwood. Tyler and I were just saying good night. MRS LOCKWOOD: That's what you get when you bring the trash into the party. A candle shuts. Bonnie lights it just by looking. Damon and Elena return with Stefan and Caroline. DAMON: What'd we miss? CAROLINE: We were just chatting. STEFAN: Drink, Damon? DAMON: No, thanks, I'll pass. ELENA: Stefan, do you have another dance in you? STEFAN: Absolutely. CAROLINE: They look so cute together. DAMON: Don't talk, please. LOGAN: Don't shoot! I'm going to need a refill. JENNA: Shooting implies caring. LOGAN: Feigned indifference. I like it. JENNA: I'm over the banter, Logan. I'd really rather you just left me alone. LOGAN: I'm sorry, Jenna. About your sister. JENNA: Thank you. LOGAN: Came to the funeral. JENNA: I know. I saw you. LOGAN: Yeah, I didn't want to push my way in, but I wanted to be there for you. And when I heard you were staying in Mystic Falls, I thought maybe... Well, maybe I could have a second chance to make things right. JENNA: Her name was Monica, wasn't it? STEFAN: I hope Damon didn't drive you too crazy. ELENA: No, actually, he was on good behavior. He even apologized and explained why he is the way he is. And it all goes back to Katherine. STEFAN: Hmm. ELENA: So tell me about her. What happened? STEFAN: It's not something I like to talk about. ELENA: I get that. I do. I just want you to know that you can. I mean, I burden you with all of my drama, and I want you to do the same. STEFAN: I know. Thank you. ELENA: The truth is, Stefan... I don't really know that much about you, and I'd really love it if you would open up to me. STEFAN: Damon said something, didn't he? He likes to play games and cause trouble, Elena. ELENA: This isn't about Damon, it's about me trying to get to know you. Look, you're the mystery guy, and I like that. But with mystery comes secrets, and this thing with Katherine. STEFAN: Let it go. I don't want to talk about it. ELENA: Well, then, say something about yourself. Anything. Otherwise, I'm left with nothing but what other people tell me. STEFAN: Don't you see what Damon has done here? He's trying to get you to turn against me. ELENA: Well, then I guess it's working. BONNIE: This is my fault. I planted doubt. I'm a doubt planter. ELENA: It's not your fault. I just-- I feel terrible because I said that I wouldn't get in the middle of it, and that's exactly what I did. I got all snotty. MRS LOCKWOOD: Elena, honey, there you are. I notice the watch still isn't in the collection. ELENA: Oh, um, I'm sorry, Mrs. Lockwood. I, um, I couldn't find it. I guess it's still packed up in my parents' stuff somewhere. MRS LOCKWOOD: I see. Well, please let me know if you do find it. ELENA: Ok. CAROLINE: Where have you been? DAMON: Ah. Looking for you. CAROLINE: Your brother barely danced with me for five minutes-- DAMON: Ok, just a minute. Stand right...there. CAROLINE: Um, you're not supposed to touch. What is that? DAMON: It's a very important crystal. CAROLINE: Well, how did you know that it was there? DAMON: Because I put it there. CAROLINE: When? DAMON: A long time ago. Tonight, I'm taking it back, thanks to you. CAROLINE: Well, what's it for? DAMON: Never you mind. CAROLINE: You can't just steal it. DAMON: It's not stealing if it's mine. Come on. Well... At the bar. LOGAN: Vodka tonic. Ok, I know that this is probably going to be strike 3, but I hope you can see it for what it is. JENNA: And what is it? LOGAN: Persistence. Groveling, commitment. Take your pick. JENNA: I fled town because of you. Fled. LOGAN: I was young and stupid, and then things changed. Life got...real. You'd know that better than anyone. JENNA: Hypothetically speaking, if allowed, how would you make things right? LOGAN: Well, more groveling, of course. A recap of the past few years spent soul searching. Cheese fries. JENNA: Obvious. LOGAN: I know my audience. JENNA: Yes to lunch. Call me. In the living room. MRS LOCKWOOD: Look around. What's missing? The flames, the candles. Why aren't they lit? There's matches in the kitchen. BONNIE: Bitch. ELENA: Hey. CAROLINE: Hey. So how are things with Stefan? ELENA: Great. Just great. CAROLINE: Really? Well, my radar must be off, 'cause I was getting all sorts of other vibes... ELENA: What is that? CAROLINE: Hmm? Don't! ELENA: Oh god, Caroline, what happened? CAROLINE: Nothing, ok?! That is nothing. ELENA: Did somebody hurt you? CAROLINE: No, ok, nothing. It just... My mom would kill me. ELENA: Did Damon hurt you? CAROLINE: No! Of course not! Just leave me alone, ok, Elena?! She goes out, and sees Damon. ELENA: God! There is something seriously wrong with you. You stay away from Caroline or I will go straight to her mother, the sheriff. You got it? Stay away from her. ELENA: I'm sorry. I take it all back. You're completely right about Damon. STEFAN: What did he do? ELENA: There are bruises all over Caroline's body. Bite marks, and he has her all confused and messed up in the head. You don't look surprised. STEFAN: Um... I'm handling it. ELENA: Handling it? Stefan, you should be having him arrested. STEFAN: Elena, please. I... I don't expect you to understand. ELENA: I don't understand anything, Stefan. So why don't you just clear it up for me? STEFAN: Look, there are things that you don't know, ok? Things that I want to tell you, but I can't. And I may never be able to. And I just need you to trust me. ELENA: Trust is earned. I can't justagically hand it over. STEFAN: I'm so sorry. I have to go. [Elena's House.] Dorbell rings. It's Vicki. JEREMY: You look amazing. What are you doing here? VICKI: I was thinking maybe I could make one more wrong choice today. I still have 17 minutes. Vicki kisses him. [At the founder's party.] CAROLINE: Don't! She took it off and I got flustered, ok?! I didn't know what to say. But I swear, ok, I did not tell her. I just told her that you didn't mean to hurt me. DAMON: You make me crazy, you know that? CAROLINE: It's ok. I forgive you. I swear I didn't say-- DAMON: Shh, shh, shh. Unfortunately... I am so over you now. He beats her. But he falls on the floor. DAMON: What the hell? STEFAN: You know, I couldn't spike your drink... So I spiked hers. [Later. Caroline wakes up. She founds Damon's crystal. Elena arrives.] ELENA: Caroline? There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you. Are you ok? CAROLINE: Yeah. I'm fine. ELENA: Caroline, what happened? CAROLINE: I'm fine. ELENA: No. You're shaking. Caroline--What-- CAROLINE: I'm fine! ELENA: Caroline, come here, come here. [Stefan's house.] STEFAN: I did what I had to do... To protect Elena, to protect everyone. Yes, Damon, the headline reads "Deadly beast captured. All is well in Mystic Falls." [At the founder's party. Counsil room] MR LOCKWOOD: Thank you for staying so late. SHERIF FORBES: Did you get the Gilbert watch? MRS LOCKWOOD: She claims it's packed away in her parents' things. LOGAN: I can get it. SHERIF FORBES: Good. We're going to need it. MR LOCKWOOD: Are you sure? SHERIF FORBES: 5 bodies all drained of blood? I'm certain. LOGAN: They've come back.

Plan: A: the town's annual Founders' Party; Q: What party do Elena and Stefan go to? A: Tyler's parents; Q: Who hosted the Founders' Party? A: Jeremy; Q: Who does Vicki go to at the end of the episode? A: Damon; Q: Who tells Elena about the history of the Salvatores? A: his life; Q: Stefan tries to cut Damon out of what? A: the Lockwood Estate; Q: Where does Damon retrieve an amber crystal? A: Caroline's blood; Q: Who's blood does Stefan use to poison Damon? A: her purse; Q: What does Caroline put the amber crystal in? A: a weakened Damon; Q: Who does Stefan lock up at the Salvatore property? A: their descendant Zach; Q: Who is guarding Damon? A: Zach; Q: Who is left to guard Damon? A: The Founders Council; Q: Who is the group of people that have come to the conclusion that vampires have returned to Mystic Falls? A: Tyler's father; Q: Who is the mayor of Mystic Falls? A: Carol Lockwood; Q: Who is Tyler's mother? A: Sheriff Forbes; Q: Who is Caroline's mother? A: reporter Logan Fell; Q: Who is the reporter? A: Gilbert; Q: What is the name of the family that the pocket watch belongs to? A: the bedroom; Q: Where do Vicki and Jeremy go? Summary: Elena and Stefan go to the town's annual Founders' Party, hosted by Tyler's parents. Vicki gets Tyler to ask her when she refuses to associate herself with Jeremy. Damon tells Elena about the history of the Salvatores after Stefan tries to cut Damon out of his life. Damon also retrieves an amber crystal from one of the historical artifacts in the Lockwood Estate. Meanwhile, Stefan uses Caroline as a vessel to poison Damon. When Damon sucks Caroline's blood, he falls ill. Once Caroline wakes up, she sees the amber crystal and puts it in her purse unaware of its power. Stefan locks up a weakened Damon at the Salvatore property with their descendant Zach to stand guard. The Founders Council, including Mayor Lockwood (Tyler's father), Carol Lockwood (Tyler's mother), Sheriff Forbes (Caroline's mother), and reporter Logan Fell, have come to the conclusion that vampires have returned to Mystic Falls due to the drained bodies, and they must retrieve a pocket watch that belongs to the Gilbert family. In the end, Vicki goes to Jeremy and they go to the bedroom.

[THE SCHOOL. The hallways are crowded and students are mulling about at their lockers, as if classes haven't started yet] PEYTON: How's your punching hand? LUCAS: A lot better now that I nailed a guy's face. How 'bout you? How are you feeling? PEYTON: Like an idiot. Look, Luke, you're cool with us being just friends, right? I mean, we are- we're friends, right? LUCAS: We are. PEYTON: Okay. LUCAS: And I'm cool with it. And besides, I was- I wasn't ready for all that Peyton Sawyer/Girlfriend drama anyway, you know. [Pause] Hey, say hi to Brooke for me? [PEYTON nods] LUCAS: Alright. Talk to you later. [LUCAS leaves PeyTON standing by his locker, looking upset] [THE HALLWAY. NATHAN walks quickly, trying to catch up with HALEY] NATHAN: Haley. [He grabs her arm and leaders her into an empty classroom, gently pushing her against a wall, and he kisses her] HALEY: [Breaking the kiss] Mmm, uh, we can't do this here right now. [Both laugh] NATHAN: We just did... alright, I'll kiss you later. [NATHAN leaves and HALEY leans against the wall, smiling. She leaves soon after] [THE GYM. LUCAS and the rest of the Varsity Basketball team are sitting on the bleachers as WHITEY speaks] WHITEY: When you leave this gym today, I want each one of you to look at the sun, because if you lose to Cove City on Friday, I can pretty much guarantee you that sun will not rise the next day. [Team laughs, but NATHAN looks uncomfortable] WHITEY: That's not a joke. I've coached some great players and great teams in this gym, but not one of those great players or great teams has finished a season undefeated. You may be the first. There are only two things separating you from greatness. Number one is Cove City. Number two... is you. [WHITEY points a finger at the boys on the bleacher] [THE SCHOOL. A bell rings. LUCAS enters through a set of double doors and runs around the corner, where BROOKE iswalking away] LUCAS: Hey, Brooke! I've got something for you. BROOKE: I know you do, gorgeous. [LUCAS hands BROOKE Steinbeck's The Winter of Our Discontent] LUCAS: It's that book I was telling you about. I though you might want to check it out. BROOKE: Oh, I definitely want to check it out. I suppose I could read the book too. But what are you going to do for me? LUCAS: What do you mean? BROOKE: Well, I read the book. You do something for me. LUCAS: Like what? BROOKE: I don't know. Something fun. Deal? LUCAS: Okay. Deal. BROOKE: Should we shake on it or just make out now? [LUCAS grins and walks away] BROOKE: [Eyeing the book] Who knew reading could be so much fun? [KAREN'S CAFÉ. DEB'S behind the counter when the door opens and DAN steps in] DAN: Need some help? DEB: No. Everything is just fine. DAN: How about a cup of coffee? [He dangles a couple dollar bills from his hand and DEB reaches for the coffee pot] DAN: Deb, I know you claim your taking over the café's not some sort of payback DEB: It isn't. I'm trying to help Karen. [DAN takes a sip of his coffee] DAN: By ruining her business? That's the worst cup of coffee I ever paid for. DEB: If you've come here to mock me, Dan, save it. DAN: I didn't come here to mock you. I had a few hours. I thought maybe my wife could use my help. Clearly she can. [The door opens and LUCAS walks in. He sees and stops, then exits. DEB and DAN share a look] [THE SCOTT'S HOUSE. NATHAN and DAN sit at a table with takeout] DAN: How's your sandwich? NATHAN: Almost warm. DAN: Well, I'll start cooking again. Unless your mother comes to her senses. NATHAN: You know, just when I think things can't get any weirder around here, Mom takes over Karen's café. [pause] I think I'm going to invite Lucas over to spend the night. [DAN looks at NATHAN and NATHAN laughs] DAN: Well, your mother hasn't exactly been herself lately. It might help if you tell her you're happy. She thinks I've ruined your life. [NATHAN looks down] DAN: Cove City game's coming up. NATHAN: Yeah. Whitey claims that if we lose, the sun doesn't rise. DAN: Well, he might actually be right for once. Of course, you know who scored the most points against the Cavaliers? [NATHAN nods] DAN: 42. NATHAN: Yeah. I'm looking to top that this week. DAN: No. You won't. You want to know why? Because you're not tough enough inside. I got coverage buckets you'll never get because you can't bang down low like I did. That plus the fact that your conditioning's for crap. I never left the floor during a game. [DEB enters] DEB: Hey, guys. NATHAN: [Standing up, with no expression] I'm happy, Mom. Dad loves me. DEB: What was that all about? DAN: He was wondering where his mother was. DEB: Oh. Don't start, Dan. I'm tired and I'm hungry. DAN: Oh, well. How about you eat first and then we argue? DEB: How about we just don't argue? DAN: How about we just don't eat? [DAN walks out, and DEB sighs] [NATHAN'S ROOM. NATHAN'S pacing back and forth, talking on the phone] TIM: What up, brother? NATHAN: You do know you're white, Tim? TIM: What's wrong with you? NATHAN: Is your brother still dealing? TIM: Why? NATHAN: 'Cuz I need to tear it up against Cove City. TIM: SO how's getting high gonna help? NATHAN: Not weed, Tim. Performance enhancers. Look, just tell your brother that I'm gonna be on the floor for forty minutes, and I need to be in a different gear. TIM: You sure about this? NATHAN: Yeah. He'll know what do get. [NATHAN hangs up and notices a picture of himself and DAN. He throws the phone at it] [PIZZERIA. LUCAS and KEITH sit at a table, sharing a pizza] KEITH: So what, you going to avoid the café for the next six weeks? LUCAS: What, you don't like pizza? KEITH: I love pizza, but that's not the point. LUCAS: Look, don't you find it a bit strange, having Nathan's mom running the café? KEITH: Yeah. It's a little strange. It's also pretty gutsy of her. Dan's gotta be giving her a lot of grief about it. You know, Luke, you really oughtta give her a chance. Deb's okay. And when you think about it, when she got pregnant in college, her life changed a lot like your mom's did. LUCAS: Yeah but Dan? Why does she stay with a guy like that? KEITH: I don't know. Maybe she wants to protect her son. [BROOKE walks up and leans against LUCAS] BROOKE: Hey Handsome. Three more chapters and you're all mine. [BROOKE leaves] KEITH: What was that all about? LUCAS: Nothing. KEITH: Well I disagree. That was definitely something. [LUCAS grins] [LOCKER ROOM. NATHAN walks up to TIM, who slips pills into NATHAN'S hand] TIM: Okay I got them. [Pause] You sure about this? NATHAN: Have you met my dad? [TIM turns to completely face NATHAN] TIM: Okay, here's the deal. These are basically amphetamines. They're like, steroids on speed or speed on steroids. Anyway, you gotta be careful Nathan. NATHAN: Whatever gets me jacked for Cove City, man. TIM: Here. These will definitely do that. [TIM closes his locker] TIM: Anyway, if you grow breasts... I get first peek. [TIM starts to walk away] TIM: You're welcome. [NATHAN swallows a pill] [THE GYM. There's a practice, and NATHAN'S being extremely aggressive. The whistle blows] WHITEY: Hold it. That was a foul. Nathan, you've got to get off his back. NATHAN: Why don't you get off my back, Whitey? WHITEY: How would you like to call that a practice. NATHAN: Whatever, man, that's fine by me. [NATHAN slams the ball down and starts to walk away] WHITEY: Nathan! [NATHAN turns back around] NATHAN: What! Huh! What the hell do you all want from me? WHITEY: Just walk away, son. Walk away. [NATHAN walks away and WHITEY blows his whistle] WHITEY: Fight ball up top. [NATHAN'S LOCKER. HALEY walks over and grabs his shoulder. NATHAN swings around, surprised, and HALEY laughs] NATHAN: Very funny. HALEY: Hey, are you okay? Lucas said you had some trouble at practice yesterday. NATHAN: Lucas needs to mind his own business. We got a game coming up, that's all. I just get a little intense. HALEY: Are you, uh, okay? You're shaking, Nathan. NATHAN: My heart's racing too. [HALEY puts her hand over his heart] NATHAN: That's what happens when I'm around you. [HALEY smiles] NATHAN: So your house tonight, right? Tutoring? [HALEY nods] HALEY: Are you sure you're okay? NATHAN: Yeah, I'm fine. I just- I had a bad day yesterday. See you tonight. HALEY: Yeah. [HALEY walks away, and NATHAN waits until he's sure she won't turn around, then swallows another pill] [DAN SCOTT'S MOTORS] DAN: If you came here to lecture me or argue, I get enough of that at home with the wife. WHITEY: I came here to talk about Nathan. His behavior concerns me. DAN: Really. You put Lucas on the team, give away his position, kick him off the team bus 30 miles away from home, and now you're worried. WHITEY: You forgot, uh, pressuring him and belittling him. Of course, that happens at home, doesn't it? [Pause] I remember when you came to me. You were a scrawny freshman with a hell of a jump shot. You loved the game. What the hell happened along the way? DAN: You happened. There was always something for you to pick apart, something that wasn't good enough. But you are right. I did love the game. I simply despised the way you controlled it. WHITEY: Who's controlling Nathan now? You'd be ashamed if you learned to hate that person like you hate me. DAN: I might be tough on him, Whitey. But then I'm not the one who told him the sun wouldn't rise if he lost his next game. [WHITEY looks at him then walks out of DAN'S office] [WEIGHT ROOM. NATHAN'S lifting when LUCAS walks in] LUCAS: You really laid into Whitey yesterday. NATHAN: He deserved it. LUCAS: So Cove City's pretty tough, eh? [NATHAN sits up] NATHAN: They suck. LUCAS: Listen man. I know you're under a lot of pressure from your dad. NATHAN: Hey! You don't know anything about my dad, alright? Maybe if you knocked out a shout every now and then I wouldn't have to carry us out there. [OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL. BROOKE catches up with LUCAS and hands him his book] BROOKE: All finished. Now it's my turn. LUCAS: Hey, hey, hey. Not so fast. Did you like it? BROOKE: Did I like it or did I read it? The book's about how a guy loses his integrity and gives into temptation. Which is exactly what I see you doing tonight... with me. [LUCAS laughs] LUCAS: Right. Well, a deal's a deal, right? BROOKE: That's right, baby. A deal is a deal. [A BAR. LUCAS and BROOKE are at the pool table.] BARTENDER: Here you go. [BROOKE shows two IDs to the bartender] BARTENDER: Thank you... Gretchen and Henry. BROOKE: [To LUCAS] Fake IDs. I used your yearbook photo. [BROOKE easily knocks a ball into one of the pockets] LUCAS: I didn't know you could shoot pool. BROOKE: There's a lot you don't know about me. LUCAS: Really? Like what? BROOKE: Like... I love it in the summer when there's heat lightning at night. And up until the fourth grade, I called squirrels squirrlers. [LUCAS laughs] BROOKE: And I love beating boys at school. [Pause] Oh my God. A smile. Is Lucas Scott actually having fun? LUCAS: I have fun. BROOKE: Sure you do. Lucas, you're like the most serious guy I've ever met. [LUCAS turns around and grabs a beer] LUCAS: Fine. [He takes a sip] LUCAS: Does that make you happy? BROOKE: A little. LUCAS: Well, just as long as you don't feel cheated. You read a book, I drink a beer. We're even, right? [BROOKE laughs] BROOKE: Wait, did you think this was the thing you have to do with me? LUCAS: Well, yeah. BROOKE: No. This isn't the thing. This is just... drinks before the thing. [Pause] Bottoms up. [They clink their glasses] [HALEY'S BEDROOM. HALEY sits at her computer, while NATHAN looks at a bulletin board of photographs] HALEY: Nathan. Are you going to pace all night, or can we get started? NATHAN: Are these all your brothers and sisters? HALEY: Yeah. I'm the youngest. I don't think my parents know what to do with the silence. [NATHAN sits down on her bed] NATHAN: So a month ago, did you think we'd be alone in your bedroom? HALEY: Oh, but we're not alone in my bedroom. We have the forefathers with us. NATHAN: They can watch. HALEY: Nathan, can you just get serious for a minute? NATHAN: Oh, I'm serious. [Grabbing her hand and pulling her to him] Come here. [HALEY joins NATHAN on the bed and they start kissing. Soon, HALEY'S on her back] HALEY: My parents could come home. NATHAN: Come on... [He starts to unbutton her shirt] HALEY: Nathan, come on, stop it. [He doesn't stop] HALEY: Come on... don't... Hey! [She pushes him off] NATHAN: What? HALEY: God... I think you should go. NATHAN: You're kidding, right? [HALEY walks over to the door and opens it] NATHAN: Haley... alright, Haley, I'm sorry. We can study, it's fine. HALEY: I'd like you to go. [NATHAN gets up and exits] NATHAN: Unbelievable. [HALEY stand in the doorway] [PEYTON'S bedroom. She's working on her drawing "I've wanted this for so long..." The t is no longer there, so it says, "And now we can have it."] [THE BAR. LUCAS and BROOKE are drinking... a lot] BROOKE: Don't you love weird science? [LUCAS nods, setting his drink down] LUCAS: Ah, the family jewels. BROOKE: He doesn't even have a license, Lisa. [LucAS laughs] [PEYTON'S ROOM. She's on the phone] [THE BARr. LUCAS' cell phone rings and he looks at it] LUCAS: Out of area? BROOKE: Booty call? [PEYTON'S ROOM. She's still on the phone and we hear "Hey, this is Lucas' cell phone. Please leave a message."] [THE BAR. Heavy eye contact between LUCAS and BROOKE] LUCAS: Where were we? BROOKE: Where we were having fun. LUCAS: Mmm-hmm. I'm glad we did this. BROOKE: Good. So what's your take on tattoos? LUCAS: I don't know... depends. BROOKE: Come here. [She grabs his hand and leads him into the back room. Leaning against a wall, she pulls him closer] BROOKE: What do you think... [She starts undoing her pants] BROOKE: About... this tattoo? [BROOKE has a small tattoo on the inside of her right hip] LUCAS: Mmm. That tattoo is very, very... sexy. BROOKE: Right answer. [BROOKE leans in and kisses him. The kisses grow in passion] [SCENE_BREAK] [LUCAS'S HOUSE. LUCAS attempts to sneak in, but KEITH'S there. He turns on the light] LUCAS: Keith! Hey man. KEITH: You okay? LUCAS: I'm perfect. KEITH: Have you been drinking? [LUCAS nods and gestures "a little" with his fingers] LUCAS: Mmm-hmm. Oh Keith. There is this girl. KEITH: Now I know how my hope and Ant felt when I came rolling in... you know, you had me worried sick, Luke? Why don't you go and sleep it off and we'll deal with this tomorrow? [KEITH walks over to the fridge, and LUCAS starts walking away] [THE SCOTT'S HOUSE. DAN'S sitting at the table reading a newspaper when NATHAN walks in] NATHAN: What are you doing, Dad? Still looking for your name in the box scores? DAN: Hey. Knock it off and get serious. You've got a big game coming up. [Pause] And you think you're gonna break my scoring record. [Laugh] [LUCAS'S ROOM. LUCAS is standing in front of the mirror in his jersey when KEITH walks in] KEITH: Come on, Tara Reid, you're gonna be late. [LUCAS is holding a cloth against his arm as he turns around and KEITH walks further in] KEITH: What's up? LUCAS: Nothing. KEITH: What are you hiding? [LUCAS takes the cloth off and shows a tattoo on his arm, kind of like the one BROOKE had] LUCAS: Check that out. KEITH: Tell me that's a joke. [Shakes his head] No, no, no. Just, just... wipe it off, okay. LUCAS: Keith, it's a tattoo. KEITH: A tattoo. Of what? LUCAS: It's an ancient symbol for fun. KEITH: Oh, for fun? Because I thought it was for freaking fool. LUCAS: Keith... KEITH: Luke. Your mom trusted me. She's gone five days and now you scar yourself for life. LUCAS: It's just a tattoo. KEITH: It's a tattoo. There is no just. God. What were you thinking? This is a bunch of crap. You're out half the night, you're drunk, and now you got a tattoo. What, did you join the navy too? [LUCAS shakes his head] KEITH: You took advantage of me, Luke. You'd have never would've pulled a stunt like this with your mom here. LUCAS: What stunt? You mean actually enjoying myself for once? [Pause] You said it yourself. My mom's not here. Is she? KEITH: Your @#%$ is grounded. [KEITH starts to walk away] LUCAS: Keith... KEITH: Bread and water. Hard core grounded. Start now. You know... I expected more from you. [KEITH exits and LUCAS looks upset] [OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL. HALEY and LUCAS are sitting at a table] HALEY: What did you do last night? LUCAS: Nothing, you? HALEY: Nothing. LUCAS: Well... actually I kinda made out with Brooke. HALEY: What? LUCAS: While I was drunk. [HALEY laughs] HALEY: Oh. Wow. Slow night for you. What happened. LUCAS: Well, we went out as friends and things just kind of escalated. HALEY: Yeah. Sounds like. You and Brooke Davis. Please. LUCAS: What, is that so strange? HALEY: Yeah, it is. LUCAS: You know, she's different than people see? You of all people should understand that. [HALEY pauses] HALEY: I've been kissing Nathan. LUCAS: If I told you not to do that anymore would you listen? HALEY: Would you? LUCAS: Maybe. BOTH: Probably not. HALEY: Yeah. [Pause] So what about Peyton? LUCAS: Yeah, you can kiss her if you want. HALEY: I'm serious. LUCAS: Look, I- I told her how I felt, alright? She doesn't feel the same way. HALEY: Maybe she's just not ready. LUCAS: Nah. She just wants to be friends. HALEY: So are you and Brooke Davis like a thing now? LUCAS: No. We went out. We had fun. HALEY: Alright, well, if that's what you want. I mean, you deserve to be happy. LUCAS: Yeah. You too. [OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL. In a different area, PEYTON'S sitting at a table. BROOKE walks up] BROOKE: Hi, friend. Guess who I went out with last night. I'll tell you. Lucas. PEYTON: Definite went out. BROOKE: We met at a bar, shot some pool, had a few drinks. PEYTON: Lucas Scott? BROOKE: Yep. You didn't tell me he was such a good kisser. [PEYTON looks shocked, and a little upset] BROOKE: I gotta go. [BROOKE leaves and PEYTON looks after her] [OLD ABANDONED BUILDING. DEB walks in to find DAN already in there, standing by a ladder] DEB: Hi... DAN: SO what do you think? DEB: Uh, uh, about what? DAN: Long counter here, some retro books. DEB: I don't follow. DAN: Deb's Diner. The hottest little place in town. DEB: Dan... I don't want a diner. What- What's this really about? DAN: You tell me. DEB: I told you. I'm simply trying to help Karen. DAN: You hardly know the woman. DEB: Well, that's not true. But for the sake of discussion, lets say you're right. Lets say I'm doing it to help you. DAN: Me? DEB: What do you feel when you see Lucas? I mean it was different when we never saw him. But now- DAN: -What do you want me to say? DEB: Anything. Something honest. DAN: Okay, then how does this sound? I was a kid, I made a decision. And I'm tired of you and everyone else holding it over my head every day of my life. So if you're running that little café so you can find absolution for me, forget it. I don't need it and I don't want it. [DAN storms out] [THE SCHOOL'S TUTORING CENTER. HALEY and PEYTON sit at a table] HALEY: What's going on? You said you wanted to talk. PEYTON: Do you think second chances are a lie? HALEY: Well, it depends on who you are dealing with, I guess. PEYTON: Yeah... How are things going with you and Nathan? HALEY: Hmm-mmm. Um. Not so great. I don't know what he wants us to be. Are we a couple? Are we just hanging out? Is it for s*x because if it is... PEYTON: If it is what? HALEY: That's not enough for me. PEYTON: Bad experience? [HALEY looks up, smiling] PEYTON: What, are you- are you a virgin? HALEY: Yeah. So what if I am? PEYTON: Good for you. [HALEY laughs] PEYTON: So what are you going to do? HALEY: Try and get some answers I guess. PEYTON: Did Lucas tell you what happened between us? HALEY: Yeah. He just said that you weren't ready for a relationship. PEYTON: Did he tell you about Brooke? HALEY: That they went out? Yeah... You okay with that? PEYTON: He's fair game. Plus, she's really not the dating kind, if you know what I mean. [HALEY smiles] PEYTON: Is connecting with someone really this complicated, or is it simple and we just make it worse? HALEY: For me its complicated. You just make it worse. [Both laugh] [LUCAS'S ROOM. LUCAS is getting ready for the game and KEITH walks in] KEITH: Hey, I, uh, got you some tape. [He throws the tape and LUCAS easily catches it] KEITH: For the tattoo. You gotta cover it for the game, right? LUCAS: Thanks. I appreciate it. KEITH: Let me see it. [LUCAS pulls up the arm of his shirt so KEITH can see it. It looks infected, with spots of blood throughout it] KEITH: Geez, Luke. Where'd you get this thing? Some back alley in the Philippines? You know, you can get Hepatitis, HIV from.. [Pause] Does it hurt? LUCAS: A little. KEITH: Well...We'll get it checked before the game. [KEITH starts to walk away] LUCAS: Keith, man, you worry too much. [KEITH turns around] KEITH: I've got to worry once for myself and once for your mother. [THE SCOTT'S HOUSE. NATHAN'S doing pull ups on a bar in a door] DAN: Your arms are going to be dead for the game tonight. NATHAN: Yeah. You wish. DAN: No I don't. I'd love for you to break my record, Nathan. I just don't think you will. NATHAN: We'll see about that. [DEB enters] DEB: Good news and bad news, Nate. Bad news is I have to be at the café so I'm gonna miss your game. Good news is Haley can be there. NATHAN: Whatever. [NATHAN walks out] DAN: At least one of us will be there. [DEB sighs, looking upset] [OUTSIDE THE GYM. NATHAN's walking toward the gym and HALEY chases after him] HALEY: Nathan! NATHAN: Not now, Haley. HALEY: Okay, after the game, can we get some food and talk? NATHAN: Haley, I said not now, okay? HALEY: Why are you being like this? NATHAN: Because I can, okay? That's how it works. People are mean, life's a @#%$. HALEY: What is your problem? NATHAN: What's my problem? My problem's on the other side of the wall. And in five minutes, if I'm not perfect, they're going to eat me alive. That's my problem. [WHITEY DURHAM'S FIELD HOUSE. The game's almost through, and MOUTH is sitting on the bleachers, making sports announcements] MOUTH: That's 38 points for Nathan Scott tonight, and we're early in the fourth quarter. He's 5 points from breaking the all time high against Cove City, set of course by He-Who-Won't-Be-Named. [The game continues as NATHAN shoots another basket] MOUTH: Another 4 pointer for Nathan and now he's a basket away from the record. NATHAN: Yeah, baby! [NATHAN grabs the ball again, and starts running toward the hoop to shoot it.] MOUTH: This is it. [NATHAN'S stopped by a Cavalier player, who he knocks out of his way and makes the basket. The whistle blows] REFEREE: No basket! MOUTH: Oh, no basket! Nathan Scott is whistled for charge- NATHAN: [To REFEREE] He was moving at speed. What are you talking about? REFEREE: One! Two! Three! Easy, son. WHITEY: Time out! NATHAN: Keep your eyes on the game! WHITEY: Time out! REFEREE: [To WHITEY] Coach, you better watch your boy? HALEY: [In Audience] What's he doing? WHITEY: [To NATHAN] Nathan, I don't care how many points you've got. You keep this up, I'll move you so far down the bench they'll have to pump air into you. [Whistle blows and all the boys get up and hit their hands together] NATHAN: [To LUCAS] Just give me the ball. TIM: Alright, lets go fellas. Defense on three. TEAM: One! Two! Three! Defense! [The team runs back onto the court] LUCAS: [To NATHAN] You alright? NATHAN: I will be 2 points from now. [Whistle blows and the game's back in action. TIM steals the ball from a Cavalier] MOUTH: Here we go, folks. This is it! [LUCAS has the ball but he's not throwing it] MOUTH: Luke waits for Nathan Scott to come free! He's got 41 points [The Cavaliers are starting to crowd NATHAN. LUCAS throws the ball to him, and NATHAN catches it. But something's wrong. NATHAN'S practically leaning against the Cavalier behind him who'd put his hands on his back to try to get the ball. His vision starts to close up so he can barely see LUCAS. We flash to DAN in the audience. He looks concerned. We flash to HALEY, and for once, she seems to share a sentiment with DAN. Everyone looks concerned. NATHAN drops the ball and starts to fall down. The Cavalier behind him, not knowing that NATHAN'S passing out, goes for the chance and grabs the ball, leaving NATHAN to fall. On the hard court.] AUDIENCE: Oh! [The audience stands up in front of LUCAS, who looks concerned as well. We zoom into HALEY and then DAN. TiIM'S reached NATHAN'S side and he taps NATHAN] TIM: Coach! Coach! [WHITEY'S reached NATHAN. He puts a hand on NATHAN'S chest as the team gathers around] [EMERGENCY ROOM. NATHAN'S lying on a hospital bed/stretcher and DAN'S at his side. NATHAN wakes up] DAN: Easy, son. You're okay. Can you hear me? NATHAN: Yeah. DAN: You collapsed during the game. [A DOCTOR walks up to NATHAN] DOCTOR: Nathan, how are you feeling? NATHAN: I have to piss. [DOCTOR laughs] DOCTOR: You were severely dehydrated. We have you in these ice packs because you body temperature was very high. Now, I need to ask you some questions about the supplements you're taking. [DAN looks at NATHAN] DOCTOR: Uh, Benzedrine, Mephedrine. [NATHAN shakes his head] DOCTOR: Anabolic steroids? Anadrol, Dianabol? [NATHAN shakes his head] DOCTOR: Okay. What about speed? And uh, cocaine? Ecstasy? DAN: Hey, Doc, he's an athlete, not a junkie, okay? DOCTOR: And he's also a kid. DAN: True, but he's my kid? So how about you play a little more doctor and a little less detective? DOCTOR: Mr. Scott, could I speak with you? [DOCTOR heads out to hallway] DAN: [To NATHAN] Listen to me, son. You're going to be fine, okay? You've been hitting it a little hard lately, we'll back a notch or two . You'll be as good as new. Hell, the scouts won't even remember this come to post season. [THE HALLWAY. DAN joins the DOCTOR] DOCTOR: The early results tell me that your son is going to be fine, physically. DAN: That's great. DOCTOR: But they also tell me he's taking some sort of amphetamine. DAN: There's got to be some kind of mistake. [Cut to NATHAN. He winces] DOCTOR: Mr. Scott, these kids are under a lot of pressure to perform, and granted, it could be an isolated case, but there could be a more serious problem. DAN: Look Doc, I appreciate your concern, I really do. But I gotta tell you. I know my son. And if he says he's clean, he's clean. So if you label him an addict, you take away his future. So unless you've got your results 100 percent accurate, you're looking at a lawsuit you don't want. Now from where I stand, your job is to get him well. I'll do the rest. Are we clear? [NATHAN looks upset] [KAREN'S CAFÉ. HALEY runs through the front door and DEB'S behind the counter] HALEY: Hey. I was on my way to check on him, and then I realized you were here, so I turned around and came back. You should go? How is he? [DEB has no idea what she's talking about] DEB: Who? HALEY: Nathan. DEB: What about him? [EMERGENCY ROOM. DAN'S on his cell phone] DAN: I appreciate it, Keith. Thanks. [DAN walks over to NATHAN'S cubicle and slides back the curtain] DAN: How are you doing, son? [NATHAN'S not there. DEB walks into the emergency room, extremely worried] DAN: He's okay. [DEB breathes a sigh of relief] DEB: [Noticing the empty bed] Where is he? [DAN meets her gaze. She realizes he doesn't know] [WHITEY'S OFFICE. He puts a "W" over Cove City, as in "win" then he tears down the sheet. He looks extremely upset, then KEITH walks in] KEITH: Hey. [Pause] I, uh, talked to Dan. Nathan's going to be fine. [WHITEY breathes a sigh of relief] WHITEY: You know why they made whiskey, Keith? [Pause] For the poor fool that wakes up after 35 years and discovers he's a part of the problem. [Pause] Well, no more. I'll forfeit the damn games before I lose a boy to that. I've got to be the sorriest son of a @#%$ on the planet. KEITH: Well, Karen left me to watch Luke. And uh, he got drunk and then he got a tattoo. WHITEY: Well, I take it back. [They clink glasses] [THE SCOTT'S HOUSE. DAN walks in ahead of DEB] DAN: I tried to call you but you weren't answering your phone. DEB: Because I ran out of the café with nothing but my car keys and the fear that my son was dying. DAN: Oh, and that's my fault? DEB: After Haley walked in... how long was that, Dan? 20 minutes after Nathan collapsed? A half hour, maybe? DAN: My first concern was for Nathan. You're overreacting. DEB: Oh. Overreacting? That my son nearly died and my husband didn't see fit to call? [DAN rolls his eyes] DEB: Where is he, Dan? He could be anywhere. He could be unconscious. DAN: Get a hold of yourself. The doctor said he's out of harm's way. DEB: Well the doctor was wrong. Because as long as you control him the way you do, he'll be in harm's way. DAN: Ohhh... okay. Yeah, I get it. I'm to blame. It's gotta be my fault. DEB: Yeah. DAN: Would you consider this, lady? If you weren't off helping your little friend Karen and her café, you might've been there for him like I was. DEB: [very angry] You smug son of a @#%$. I want you out of this house. DAN: Deb... DEB: I said get out! DAN: It's been an emotional night... DEB: No, no, no, Dan. It's been a night of clarity. And it's time for you to go. DAN: It's my house. DEB: Fine, then I'll go. But either way, Nathan stays with me. DAN: Don't do this. DEB: I'll say it one more time, Dan. Pack a bag and get out. Or so help me God, I will stab you in your sleep. [DAN starts to walk away] DEB: And you better pray that my son is okay. DAN: [stopping to look at DEB] Do you really think Nathan would choose you over me? [DEB looks destroyed] [HALEY'S ROOM. She's pacing back and forth in her room, talking on the phone] HALEY: Hey, its me. Um, I guess I'm just worried about you. I really hate the way we ended things. [NATHAN appears behind her, at the door] NATHAN: So do I. [Pause] Nobody answered the door. HALEY: They're gone for the weekend. [HALEY turns off the phone and sets it down] HALEY: How are you? NATHAN: Not so good. Can I- [HALEY and NATHAN both move in and hug. It's bittersweet and both are upset] NATHAN: I made a lot of mistakes, Haley. [NATHAN pulls away] NATHAN: Sometimes because of my dad, sometimes by choice. [He sits down on her bed, taking her hand] NATHAN: I just can't do it anymore. HALEY: [Almost crying] It's okay... NATHAN: No. No, it's not okay. I'm not okay. [Pause] I lived for tonight. I was so scared. I'm still terrified. Then I saw you. I promised myself that if I could just get up, and walk over to you, and tell you how much I need you, and how much I want you, that nothing else matters. [HALEY smiles and they kiss] [LUCAS'S HOUSE. Someone knocks on the door and LUCAS answers it] LUCAS: Peyton? PEYTON: I heard about Nathan. LUCAS: Yeah, he's gonna be okay. [Pause] So... what's up? PEYTON: Lucas, I made a mistake. When you said you wanted to be with me, I got, I got scared, but- LUCAS: Peyton... [PEYTON holds up a hand] PEYTON: But, the truth is, I want all the same things that you want, I do. And I want them with you. [LUCAS looks at her. BROOKE walks out from another room, wearing LUCAS' gray sweatshirt. She hasn't noticed PEYTON] BROOKE: Okay, superstar, are you ready to score? [BROOKE suddenly notices PEYTON, who looks taken aback] BROOKE: Hey... we missed you after the game tonight. PEYOTN: Yeah. I just... I guess I just kind of got turned around. [PEYTON starts to leave] LUCAS: Peyton... [She stops and looks at BROOKE, who looks at LUCAS, who looks back to PEYTON] [THE SCOTT'S HOUSE. DAN has a suitcase as he walks toward the door. DEB watches as he leaves] [THE RAVEN'S TROPHY CASE next to the gym. It's full. WHITEY walks out of the gym, closing the door behind him. On the door is a piece of paper. It says, "Basketball Canceled (Until Further Notice)] [HALEY'S BEDROOM. NATHAN and HALEY are still kissing, and HALEY gets up and walks to the door] NATHAN: [Quietly] Haley... [HALEY turns to look at him] NATHAN: Can I stay with you for tonight? [HALEY closes her bedroom door] [LUCAS'S HOUSE. PEYTON, LUCAS, and BROOKE all look at each other, all upset] LUCAS [V.O.]: What a frightening thing is the human, a mass of gages and dials and registers. [LUCAS looks at BROOKE. She stares at him, heartbroken] LUCAS [V.O.]: And we can read only a few. And those perhaps not accurately

Plan: A: Nathan; Q: Who takes amphetamines? A: the pressure; Q: What does Nathan succumb to? A: amphetamines; Q: What does Nathan take to help his game? A: Peyton; Q: Who goes to Lucas to rekindle their relationship? A: Brooke; Q: Who is at Lucas' house when Peyton arrives? A: Rilo Kiley; Q: What band is the episode named after? Summary: After fighting with his father and Haley, Nathan succumbs to the pressure he is feeling and takes amphetamines to help his game. However, he isn't prepared for the destruction the drugs do to both his body and his family. Meanwhile, Peyton goes to Lucas to rekindle their relationship, but when she arrives at his house, Brooke is there with him. This episode is named after a song by Rilo Kiley .

SCENE 1: Before High School- Parking - Will, Rachel, Finn, Mercedes, Tina, Artie, Kurt and Puck. Will, smiling in his car rotten. Then, he will sponsor the car park of school. Just down, Rachel falls upon him. Rachel : Mr Schuester! Will : Yea! Rachel : I went to the library and I got some sheet music, and I wanted to run some songs by you that feature me heavily on lead vocal. Will : Thanks, Rachel. But I already got one picked out. Finn arriving and taking the bag to Rachel. Finn : Let me help you with that. Rachel : Thanks, Finn. You're so chivalrous! Finn : Thanks! That's a good thing, right? Finn and Rachel spinning in high school. Will : Morning, guys. Artie, Mercedes and Tina arrived at the height of Will. Mercedes : Hey, Mr. Shue. We're just learning some runs. Will : Oh! Yeah. Mercedes : So it goes, Ah! Tina and Artie : Ah! Will : With the finger, huh? Mercedes : Pretty fly for a white guy. Will, he went. Will : Oh, thank you, thank you.Hey, don't be late for rehearsal this afternoon. Mercedes : Okay! Will: All right. Morning, Kurt. Kurt, before the garbage, accompanied by the football team. Puck : Buenos nachos, Mr. Shue. Will : Hey! Let's go, Titans! Puck : Yeah. Come on. Puck and another footballer striking Kurt to throw in the trash, when suddenly exclaimed Kurt. Kurt : Wait! One day you will all work for me. Sneering, the footballer was thrown into the trash. SCENE 2: In the corridors - Outside - Will, Emma, Santana and Quinn Will passing in the corridor. Will : It was very, very nice. Diana! All right? Emma, hidden, waiting for Will. Suddenly, she falls down before him. Emma : Oh, Will, oh. Oh! Will : Oh! Emma : Gosh. Hi. Will : Hey, Emma. Emma : Hi. Will : Hey. Uh, I wanted to thank you so much for the advice you gave me the other day. I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club .... it's where I belong. Emma : Oh, well, it's no problem. I mean, it's what I do. You know, I give counsel and give guidance. I'm a guidance counselor. Will : Yeah, you are. Emma : So ..... oh, look, we match, periwinkle. Will : Yeah. Santana and Quinn steps and the amount passing them. Santana : Get a room. Quinn : Mrs. Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr. Shue. She doesn't like to be kept waiting. Will : You got it SCENE 3: Sue's Office - Will and Sue Will, striking and entering the office of Sue who is behind the rower. Will : Hey, Sue, you want to see me? Sue : Hey, buddy. Come on in. Sue, descends from his rowing. Sue : I just blasted my hammies. Will : Oh! Sue : Iron tablet? Will : Uh... Sue throwing the bottle. Sue : Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating. Will : I don't menstruate. Sue : Yeah? Neither do I. Will : Hum! Sue : So I had a little chat with Principal Figgins, and he said that if you're group doesn't place at Regionals, he's cutting the program. Ouch. Ouch. Will : You know, you don't have to worry about Glee Club. We're going to be fine. Sue, from his office to take a book. Sue : Really? Cause I was at the local library, where I read Cheerleading Today aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page-turner. Show Choir Rule Book .... And it turns out, you need 12 kids to qualify for Regionals. Last time I looked, you only had five-and-a-half. Here. Cripple in the wheelchair. I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes for you ..... maybe you could find some recruits ..... because I'm not sure there's anybody else who's going to want to swim over to your Island of Misfit Toys. Will : Are you threatening me, Sue? Threatening you? Sue :Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no. Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha. Let's break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it, you want to be me. Will laughter. Sue : So, here's the deal: you do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother: euthanize it. It's time. And then I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios.You can fetch me Gatorade and launder my soiled delicates; it'll be very rewarding work for you. Will : You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer. Glee Club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know you're used to being the cock of the walk around here... Sue : Offensive. Will : ...but it looks like your Cheerios are going to have some competition. We're going to show at Regionals. You have my word on that. Will he swung the book and Sue the overtaking. Will : Have a good day. Will you leave the room leaving Sue firecracker. SCENE 4: In the corridors of the school - Finn, Quinn, Rachel and Puck Quinn and Finn are arguing in front of their cashiers and Rachel listening. Quinn : We are in line to be the most popular kids in this school over the next couple of years. Finn : Yeah, I know. Quinn : Prom king and queen, homecoming court royalty, I'm not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can "express yourself." Finn : Look, you're making too big a deal out of this. Quinn : Okay, let's compromise. If you quit the club, 'll let you touch my breast. Finn : Under the shirt? Quinn : Over the bra Finn : No, no. I can't. Quinn : Oh! Finn : I want to do Glee. I ... I'm really happy when I'm performing. Quinn : People think you're gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes me? Your big gay beard. Finn : Look, I ... I ....I got to go to class, okay? Just relax. Everything's going to work out. Finn walked away, while heading Rachel Quinn. Quinn : Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands. You can dance with him, you can sing with him, but you will never have him. Rachel : I understand why you'd be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection, but I'm an honorable person. I don't need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own. Every day Glee's status is going up and yours is going down .... deal with it. Rachel is returning and receiving a glass of soda in his face. Quinn and the others are hilarious. Puck : Holla. SCENE 5: In the rehearsal room - Will and the casting (6) of Glee Cast - Song: Freak Students repeating the song under the orders of Will. Will :Energy, guys. It's disco. Good with the hands.... John Travolta hands. All right. Let's go. And up and out and down and .... good. Good, good, guys. The group stopped after the intervention of Mercedes on Rachel. Mercedes : Whoa! Whoa! Stop! Hell to the nah. First of all, you try to bust my face again, and I will cut you. And also, this song is terrible. Will : Okay, no, no, it's not the song. You guys just need to get into it. Kurt : No, it's the song. It's really gay. Artie : We need modern music, Mr. Shue. Will : zzzz ... I'm sorry, guys. We don't have time to discuss this. We're doing the song this Friday at the pep assembly. Tina : In f....front of the whole school? Will : Exactly! Kurt : They're gonna throw fruit at us. And I just had a facial. Rachel : I'll press charges if that happens. Will : Guys, I can't express to you how important this assembly is. We need recruits. There're six of you. We need 12 to qualify for Regionals. We have no choice or... the club is over. I know you guys don't like this song, but we took Nationals back in '93 with "Freak Out." It's a crowd-pleaser. Trust me. From the top. Finn : I'm dead. The cast includes repetition. SCENE 6: Tour of Homes - Will, Terri and Estate Agent In a model home, Will and his wife were sitting in a sofa facing the real estate agent. Thought Will : «My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I'm not sure what he meant by that, since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom. » Agent : Welcome to your little slice of the American dream. Hum! Terri : I have a question about the trees. It's always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colors? Because, well ...obviously, we're expecting a family, and I have a real sense that it might be a girl..... Meanwhile, Will in his thoughts. As Terri continued his speech. Thought Will : «Still, I can't believe we're actually doing this. It all happened so fast ... » SCENE 7: Will's apartment - Dining room - Will, Terri, Kendra, Phil and triplets The two couples are at the table while the children play and shout loudly in the apartment. Triplets : Aaaahhh! Thought Will : « It all started when Terri's sister Kendra brought her kids over for Sunday brunch.» Kendra : Well, I just don't understand where you're planning on putting the nursery. Terri : I know. Will : We have a second bedroom. Kendra : You are not giving up your craft room, Terri. A mother needs her respite. That craft room is the only thing that's going to keep you from going all Susan Smith on that little angel. Terri : Euh! Kendra : Postpartum runs in our family. Terri : Oh! Please. Stop! Phil, at that time, rising from the table but Kendra catching it. Kendra : Where are you going? Phil : Bathroom. All that bran. Kendra : No, you can't. Kyle needs his inhaler. Phil, sitting down again under the gaze of the other two, while Will starts screaming to play with the triplets. Will : Arrrg! Kendra : Anyway, this conversation is over. They're starting construction on a new section of our subdivision. Terri : Ah! You heard. Kendra : You are not bringing my niece or nephew home to this apartment. When pigs fly. Terri and Kendra laughing. Phil : Can I eat this? Phil, pointing to a food, while Will leaving his meal, annoyed. SCENE 8: Tour of Homes - Will, Terri and Estate Agent Will, Terri and the officer visiting the house from room to room. Terri is on a cloud. Agent : This banister was made by Ecuadorian children. Terri : Oh! Will : It's great, Terri, but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can't we buy one of those? They're half the price. Terri : I am not raising our baby in a used house. They're not clean. Oh. Look at this sun nook. Isn't it beautiful? Will : Is it extra? Agent : Hum! The price in the brochure is for the basic model .... everything else is ?la carte The grand foyer is an extra $14,000, and the sun nook is an extra 24. Will sighed. Agent : Hum! I'll let you two talk. Terri : Hum! Thank you. Will : Thank you. The real estate agent left the room to let the couple thought. Terri : Oh! Will : We can't afford this. Terri : We already did the math, Will. All we have to do is give up Applebee's, and we won't run the AC for the first couple of summers. Will : Well, we certainly can't afford the grand foyer, and the sun nook. I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew we'll lose everything. Terri : Hum! Will : You need to pick one. Terri : Hum! Come with me. I'm going to show you something really special. Children's room - Terri and Will raptures. Terri : This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini-pianos in here, and you two could put on shows for me. Will : I love it, Terri. But we still can't afford everything. Terri : Hem! It's my very own Sophie's Choice. Fine. I'm going to give up the sun nook for the grand foyer. But I really need the polished door handles. Think of our family, Will. This is our dream. Thought Will : «I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took, even if it meant getting a part-time job to make some extra money, to make that dream come true.» Will : Let's go sign those papers. Terri : Yes! Will and Terri left the room to join the real estate agent. SCENE 9: In the rehearsal room - Casting and Will Everyone is installed in the hall waiting for Will. Kurt : You need to call me before you dress yourself. Mercedes : Whatever, whatever. Kurt : You look like a Technicolor zebra. Mercedes : You're a hater. And I look like I'm a partier. That's what you are, Finn put his shoelace. Finn : Le Freak .... Mercedes : ... a hater. You're trying to copy me. It looks like Kurt : I planned it. You know what? Finn : .... It's chic! Mercedes : If you're hair was longer you'd have curls. Will entering the room. Will : All right, guys. How about a little Kanye? Will, seeking copies of the song. Tina : Oh! Artie : Yes. Mercedes : For the assembly? Will : No. Mercedes : Zzzz.... Will : We won't be ready in time. We're still doing disco. But we can fold this into our repertoire, and it'll be awesome at Regionals. Communication is the foundation of any successful music group. If we're going to succeed we need to communicate. You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened. Artie : Mr. Shue, we'd really like to not do disco at that assembly. Will, not listening. Will : Euh! Finn, you're going to take the solo. Finn : What? No, I...I can't do the solo, Mr. Shue. I'm still learning... learning how to walk and sing at the same time. Kurt and Mercedes giggling. Will : No problem. I'll walk you through it. Cast : Ooh! Mercedes : Challenge. Will : Mercedes, you know this? Mercedes : Oh, I got this. Cast and Will - Song: Gold Digger Mercedes began to sing, followed by Will, who is trying to show them how to move on this song. Will : Whou! During the song, we also see some pictures showing Terri and her sister in their future home with angels. The Cast and Will bite out laughing at the end of the song. Tina : That was fun. Will : All right, just like that. Ready? SCENE 10 : In the girls' restroom - Emma and Rachel Emma leave the bathroom, going to disinfect hands when she heard someone vomiting. Emma : Rachel, did you just throw up? Rachel : No. Emma : You missed the toilet. Rachel : The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex. Emma : One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift. Let's have a little chat, okay? In the office of Emma. Emma and Rachel, sitting face to face, Emma, handing him a brochure. Thought Rachel : «You like to vomit.» While leafing through the prospectus Rachel, Emma Will greet tenderly outside. Emma : Hum! Hum! Rachel, bulimia is a very messy, serious disease. Rachel : I don't have bulimia. I tried it and failed, and won't ever attempt it again. Emma : Okay. Rachel : It grossed me out. Emma : Okay, but I still want to talk about the feelings that you had that led up to you wanting to puke your guts out. Rachel : I want to be thinner. And prettier like that Quinn girl. Emma : Mm .... hmm, and, um, why is that? Rachel : Have you ever liked somebody so much, you just want to lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry? Will's Emma fixing. Emma : No! Flashback Emma, alone in his car in the rain, listening to the radio "All by Myself" in tears and singing like a saucepan. Back to reality. Emma : Uh, but a boy crush, huh? I know about that. I mean, not now. It takes me back in the day. Like, a long time ago I knew about that. You know what? You need to remember, Rachel, to protect your heart. I don't care who he is. If he doesn't like you for the way you are, or if he's... you know, he's married with a baby on the way, with a baby on the way, that's not worth the heartache. with a baby on the way, You don't want to compromise... yourself... for that. Um... Emma, after setting intensely Will postpones his attention to Rachel. Emma : Have you just tried telling him how you feel? Rachel : He doesn't even notice me. Emma : I see. Um, okay, well, here's what I think. Common interests are the key to romance. All ght? So find out what he likes. Then he'll see you in a positive way, and maybe you'll end up doing something unexpected. Rachel, gradually began to smile. SCENE 11: In the principal's office - Rachel, Finn, Principal Figgins, Sue and Will Rachel and Finn, sitting face to the headmaster who is pissed and Sue. While Will is disappointed. Sue : Would you like to tell Principal Figgins and Mr. Schuester what I caught you two doing? Finn : It just sort of happened. Rachel : I don't mean to be rude, but I think she's overreacting. Sue : You watch your tone, young lady. Gay parents encourage rebellion. There are studies on this. Will : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, tell me what happened, Rachel. Rachel : Finn was worried about having to perform a solo at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally-challenged friends. I was immediately concerned by his lack of self-esteem and made a creative preemptive strike. Finn : Yeah, pretty much what she said. Flashback A few hours rather, Finn and Rachel talking in practical work on the solo. Rachel : You know, one of the amazing things about being in the performing arts is that you can parlay it into so many different fields. Like Justin Timberlake. He's a singer, but he also has a clothing line. And you know, he makes things like shirts and belts. Finn : Who is Justin Timberlake? Room Cheerleaders. Thought Rachel : «It was a two-fold plan. We figured that with the right marketing strategy, we could pull from the entire student body without having an assembly, thus creating the diverse Glee Club this school has been craving.» Finn and Rachel, making photocopies, while Sue incoming whistling. When, suddenly, she caught in flagrante delicto. At the time of anger, she threw her glass down. Back to the principal's office. Sue : That copy machine is for Cheerios use only. Paid for by alumni donations. I can't begin to fathom the damage you'd have done to the program had you broken it. Will : Hold on a second, Sue. Sue : I resent being told to hold on to anything, William. I will not be treated like a second-class citizen because of my gender. There is a very clear bureaucracy when it comes to photocopies, and you seem to think that these procedures don't apply to your students. Will more and more exasperated. Sue :It is my strong recommendation that both these students be hobbled. Will : How many copies did you guys make? Sue : 17. Will : Okay! And how much does a photocopy cost? Figgins : Four-and-a-half cents. Will : How about they just pay for the copies? Figgins : I like this compromise. Children, pay Ms. Sylvester, and we'll let you off with a warning. And Sue, I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you And Sue, I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you protein shake off the photocopy room floor. Sue : That's why we have janitors. Figgins : Sue, we're in a recession, and concessions must be made. I've laid off half the janitorial staff. We all need to lend a hand. Finn : Hum! Hum! All the people welcomes the speech except Sue. Sue : Lady Justice wept today. Sue, angry, intensely fixing Finn and Rachel. SCENE 12: In the corridors- Finn, Rachel and Will Will, furious, leaves followed by Finn and Rachel. Finn : I'm sorry about that, Mr. Shue. Rachel : I'd like to get the flyers up before lunch tomorrow. Will be back, annoyed. Will : You know what, guys? I don't want to hear it. Rachel : Doing that song is going to kill any chance the Glee Club has. It's a terrible idea. Will : I have news for you, Rachel. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. We're doing the assembly, and you're not putting up those flyers. Will, going hopping mad. Will : Everybody loves disco! Finn : It's official. I'm a dead man. Rachel : Look, I know you're nervous, but you're really, really talented. Finn laughed. Finn : Hum! Hum! .... Stop it. Rachel : I mean, maybe it'll all be okay. Do you want to practice for the assembly tomorrow after school? Finn : I can't. I got a Celibacy Club meeting. Finn, thus leaving only Rachel but happy. SCENE 13: Will's apartment - Bathroom - Will and Terri Will and Terri together in the tub talking. Will : Baby, I have some bad news. Terri : A wealthy relative died? Will : I don't have any wealthy relatives. Terri : Oh! Will : I've just been pounding the pavement all week after Glee rehearsal. I... I can't find any extra work. That probably means no grand foyer. Zzzz... Terri : Why can't we ever be the ones to catch a break? Will : No, no. It's going to be okay, baby. I mean, we don't need a grand foyer to be happy... Terri : No. You know what? I'm so tired of the compromising. I want my grand foyer, I want my dream house. I work hard, I sacrifice, I deserve it. Terri out of the water, angry. Terri : You know, we give and we give. Do you think that the big shots at Sheets N' Things care that I sell more personal massagers than any other assistant manager? No. Or do you think that those kids.... that they give a damn that we go with so little because you spend all your spare time choreographing those stupid dance routines? I mean, when does anyone start giving back? Terri, on the edge of tears, leaving the bathroom, leaving Will alone and depressed. Will : Zzzz... Will, diving under water to recharge. SCENE 14: In the room Cheerleaders - Will and Figgins Will, passing the room when he saw the main knees trying to remove the task of drinking Sue. Will talk to him entering. Will : I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself. Figgins : Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming that her lupus made it impossible to bend over a bucket of suds. I've been here till 10:00 p.m. every night up to my elbows in Vamoose. Will : Any problem with me taking over one of those nighttime janitorial slots? Figgins : Hum! Will : I'll work at half salary. Figgins smiling. SCENE 15: Classroom - Celibacy Club - Girls - Quinn and Rachel All girls, Club members gathered around a table to discuss. Quinn : The Celibacy Club is now in session. Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, we're welcoming a new member this week. Rachel Whatshername. Rachel : Where are all the boys? Quinn : Down the hall. First half hour, we separate. Then we come together to share our faith. SCENE 16: Classroom - Celibacy Club - Boys - Puck, Jacob and Finn The boys as girls except that here looks a little more relaxed. Thought Finn : «I'm still on the fence about the Celibacy Club. I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray's pants. Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues.» Jacob : I think I'm going to kill myself. I'm serious. We're bombarded with sexual imagery every day. Beer ads, those short skirts. I'm supposed to be surrounded by temptation, not be able to do anything about it? Puck : Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries. SCENE 17: Classroom - Celibacy Club - Girls - Quinn and group except Rachel A young cheerleaders twirling her skirt in front of these friends. Quinn : God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto, girls. Group : It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing. Oh! Back it up like a dump truck, baby. The girls dance and laugh except Rachel, who is bored. SCENE 18: Classroom - Celibacy Club - Boys - Amir, Finn, Mme Carole Hudson and Jacob The boys, still in their very philosophical discussion about s*x and girls. Amir : So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway? Finn : We grind, make out. Jacob : But how do you keep from... arriving early? Whenever I grind, Cinco de Mayo. Puck and Finn laughing. Finn : It's not a problem for me, man. Puck and Finn slapping each other laughing. Thought Finn : «Actually, it's a big problem. Somebody once told me that to keep from erupting too early, you should think of dead kittens and stuff. But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my driver's permit.» Flash Back. Finn and his mother are in a car. Finn, tense, was driving under the orders of his mother who is transient. Mme Carole Hudson : Pretty good, honey. Who says a father figure's necessary, huh? Finn and his Mom laughing Finn : Driving's fun. Yeah. Suddenly, Finn reversing the factor that was crossing the road. Mme Carole Hudson : Oh, my God! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him. Thought Finn : « What are you gonna do? » Finn, completely terrified, in the car while his mother continued to scream. Back to reality. SCENE 19: Classroom - Celibacy Club - Girls and Boys- Quinn, Rachel, Finn, Jacob, Puck and Santana Girls and boys club met in the same room for this court. Quinn, inflating balloons for each couple. Quinn : Let's pair up for the Immaculate Affection. Now, remember, if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry. Quinn begins with Finn, smiling. While Puck is with Santana. While Rachel, depressed, ends up with Jacob. Jacob : You enchant me. Puck : Yeah. Santana : Stop it! Ah! Puck : Take it. Ah, yeah! Suddenly, the balloon bursts between Quinn and Finn. Finn : Oh! Quinn : Finn. Finn : It must have hit my zipper. Rachel : You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn't work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there's no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That's what contraception is for. Quinn : Don't you dare mention the "C" word. Rachel : You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want s*x just as much as guys do. Rachel released, leaving the room. Jacob : Is ....is that accurate? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 20: Classroom- Night - Will and Emma Will, scratching under a desk chewing gum. While Emma, sees, between seeing. Emma : Will? Will : Aah... aah. Will banged against the desk. Will : Emma... what are you doing here so late? Emma : I do SAT prep on Tuesday nights. Are you, um, are you a janitor? Will : A ja-- no. Emma : Really? 'Cause you're dressed like a janitor and your shirt says "Will." Will : Um... Terri and I are trying to buy a house, and we're, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and... I'm really embarrassed. Would you mind keeping this between us? Yeah. Emma : Oh, yeah, your secret's completely safe with me. Will : Thank you. Emma : Do you, um...Do you want a hand? Will : Oh, no. I .... I'm good, really. Emma : Really, because, um, I can see from here that you've used window cleaner to mop the floor. And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E coli, because I know for a fact Ms. Hoffmeyer doesn't wash her hands after doing number twos. Will was completely surprised. Together, they clean. Emma : I really admire you working so hard for something you want. Will : Let's make a deal. You're helping me with my problem, how about I take a stab at one of yours? Emma : Oh, no, I don't, I don't have a problem. Will : You've been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour. Emma : Well, I mean, I have, I have a little trouble with messes, but it's not like it's a... problem. Emma, leaving the pencil sharpener, to talk to Will. Emma : Okay. When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm. Will : Really? Emma : Um, when I was eight, we finally visited one, and after the tour and the yogurt tasting, my, my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon. Will : What? Emma : And, um, ever since then I've just... I've had a little trouble forgetting the, uh, the smell. Will : Have you thought about, I don't know, maybe seeing someone about that? Emma : Oh, no, it's completely manageable. You know, I just try to take lots of showers and I, um, you know, I don't eat dairy. Will, rising and going to the table. Will : So... I want to try...a little experiment. Will be putting chalk on his finger and going up to Emma. Emma : Oh, no. No, I'm not really, um, comfortable with, with... that. Will his putting chalk on the nose. At this time, Emma was silent and they bind intensely. Then Will he carefully removed the chalk on his nose with his arm. Will : There. ...Ten seconds. Emma : New record. It's late. I should, um... I should be, um... going. Emma walked away, leaving Will, considerably excited and perplexed. While Ken, the saw the other side of the glass. SCENE 21: In the auditorium - Casting ( 6) Rachel stood, tapping on the desk, talking to others. Rachel : I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session. Artie : But Mr. Schuester isn't here. Rachel : Mr. Schuester isn't coming. I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs. Mercedes : Zzzz ... I'm so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Peron. Finn : Let her talk. Rachel : I have another idea for the assembly. Artie : Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide? They're not going to kill us. Rachel : Because we're going to give them what they want. Kurt : Blood? Rachel : Better. s*x. SCENE 22: In the gym - All high school and teachers. Figgins front of the school, introducing the show. While Will is sitting behind waiting his turn. Figgins the micro : Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem, but let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of last time. We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester. Emma ( Public) : Yay, Glee! Glee kids, hooray! While Emma Sue observes an ironic eye. Will space be at the microphone. Will the micro : Hi. Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And we're on our way back. Sue chuckling. Will the micro : But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I could tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think I'm going to let some friends of mine show you instead. The curtain rises on the Cast who portrays. They begin to sing and dance in front of others in awe. Cast - Song: Push It Will is surprised because this is not the right song. While others are visibly pleased except Quinn, who is disgusted as Sue. While Figgins and Emma are thrilled. End of the song. Jacob : Yes! Whole school cheered. SCENE 23: In the principal's office - Sue, Will and Figgins Will and Sue, sat facing the headmaster. Will is saddened when Sue, it is likely angry happy May. Sue : Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of Hair. Figgins : We received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity. Will : I... I really don't know what to say. Sue : Well, let me help you out, then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. Will : Hum! .... Sue : But you're the one who should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school, as well as the disbanding of Glee Club. Figgins : Now, hold on, Sue. The issue is content. Those kids are talented. And I have not seen the student body this excited since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall. Figgins seeking a sheet to Will. Figgins : I took the liberty of calling my pastor to provide a list of family-friendly songs that reflect our community's values. Your kids can only perform these preapproved musical selections. Will : But all these songs have either "Jesus" or "balloons" in the title. Figgins : But they're also songs about the circus. This egg is sunny-side up, Will. Will perplexed and disappointed. Figgins : You need new outfits. I got several flashes of panty from your group today, and I'm not talking about the girls. So, Sue, I'm cutting your dry-cleaning budget to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club. Sue : This will not stand. Figgins : Oh, Sue. The dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe. Sue, angry at Figgins to Will when he is weary of the situation. SCENE 24: In the corridors - Will and Rachel Sue, leaving the principal's office, angry, stopping at Rachel to throw him a black look. As for Rachel, she rushes about Will. Rachel : Mr. Schuester, I'm so sorry. Will : Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is going to let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, here's a list of the songs that we're allowed to sing. Rachel : What's a "luftballoon"? Will : Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club. And I understand why you did what you did. But I don't like the way you did it. Will, leaving Rachel alone is saddened by what she did. SCENE 25: Rest room - Emma and Ken Emma at dinner, lunch on cleaning each grape before swallowing. Ken arrived, handing her two tickets. Ken : They're for Tulip-A-Looza. It's a tulip festival down at the Columbus Convention Center. It's supposed to smell pretty nice. Emma : That's really sweet of you, Ken, but I have a... asthma. Ken : What are you doing? Chasing a married guy. I saw you playing house with him after hours, Emma. Look. I don't know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the s*x goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder. I'm a good man, Emma. I'll treat you right. I'll put up with all your crazy. They can't fire me 'cause I'm a minority, so I'll always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse, and in this town, you're not going to do much better. Okay, I'm done talking now. Emma, in shock, remains silent. As for Ken, he goes. SCENE 26: In the auditorium - Rachel, Finn and Mme Carole Hudson Rachel, piano, rehearsed Finn. Rachel : Try it. Finn : La. Rachel : Good. Finn : That was good. Rachel : Okay, one more up. Finn : La. Rachel : That was really good. Finn : Is that okay? Rachel : Yeah, it's like the Holy Grail for a baritenor, so it's a good note. All right, I'll start at the bottom, and then we'll go up higher. Finn : Can we take a break?Singing kind of makes me a little hungry. Rachel : Yeah, sure. Well, lucky I prepared for that. Rachel, pointing to the picnic on the stage before an astonished Finn. Finn : Wow, I was wondering what that was all about. Rachel : Want to sit? Finn : Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Rachel : I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing. You kicked butt at the assembly. Finn and Rachel settling on the cover. Finn : Well, this is...my only chance to be, you know, good like you. Rachel : You think I'm good? Finn : Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. I mean, you talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there. But then, I heard you sing. I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here. Finn pointing to his heart to the wrong place. Rachel : Your heart's on the other side of your chest. Rachel, placing his hand on hers to her heart. Finn smiled. Finn : Oh. It's beating really hard. You're cool, Rachel. Finn and Rachel fixing, when Rachel withdrew her hand. Rachel : Do you want a drink? Finn : Yeah. Rachel : Virgin Cosmos. Rachel handing him a glass. Finn : Cool. That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club, that was really cool. Rachel : Thanks. Well... Cheers. Rachel and Finn clink together. Finn : Cheers. The cups are like the airplane cups. Rachel : Hun! Finn : Oh, you got a little cosmo right... Finn placing his fingers on the lips of Rachel. Finn : ....here. Rachel : You know, you can kiss me if you want to. Finn : I want to. The stretching on the pillows, Rachel Finn tender kiss. Then Finn reacts oddly to want this. Rachel : What? Flash Back. Finn reviews secularizing with his mother. Mme Carole Hudson : Oh, my God! What are you gonna do? Back to reality. Finn is falling precipitously Rachel : Did I do something wrong? Finn : No, no. Um... I just got to go. Look, please don't tell anybody about this, okay? Finn went away quickly, leaving Rachel alone and surprised and even saddened by his sudden departure. SCENE 27: Gynecologist - Terri and Dr Wu Terri lying on the table for consultation with Dr. Wu that he will make her first ultrasound. Terri : I don't want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I'm so stressed. So, I want you to run any and all tests you have. Dr Wu : Trust me, you're clear. Terri : Are you sure? Dr Wu : Positive. Terri : Is it a boy or a girl? Dr Wu : Um... I don't quite know how to put this There's no baby. Terri is falling precipitously. Terri : Did it fall out? Dr. Wu laughter. Dr Wu : Uh, no. Um...You're not pregnant. Terri : But I've gained ten pounds. Dr Wu : It's probably from eating. I can see a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole. Terri : Oh! Dr Wu : You're having what's called a hysterical pregnancy. You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms. Terri : Oh! Dr Wu : If you're meant to get pregnant, it'll happen. Terri, stunned, falls back on the table. SCENE 28: In the rehearsal room - Will, Quinn and Santana Will, sitting beside the piano, cheerleading auditioning three. Will : I have to say, I'm a little surprised you guys are trying in on it. Quinn : I'm sure you've read about this in the school paper. Finn and I have been an item for a while now, so what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't support him? Santana : Hum! Will : Well, let's see what you've got. Will, triggering the CD. While the girls sing and dance very well before a Will amazed and delighted. 3 Cheerleaders - Song: Say A Little Prayer SCENE 29 : Sue's Office - Sue and Quinn Sue, seated facing the three cheerleaders. Sue : Let me get this straight. You're joining Glee Club? Quinn : I'm sorry, Coach Sylvester, but something is going on between Finn and that thing. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes. Sue : Please don't kick us off the Cheerios. Cease fire on the waterworks. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it. You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you, I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure. But it wasn't until this very moment, I saw how alike we really are. You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within. Brittany and Santana slapping each other's hands. While Quinn smiled. Quinn : And I'm going to get my boyfriend back. Sue : I don't care so much about that. SCENE 30: In the corridors - Will and Emma Ringtone Deals. Emma cleaning a tap for drinking, while Will the docks. Will : Hey, Emma. Guess what? I found these new disinfecting bleach wipes. What do you say? Boys bathroom in the science wing? 9:00? Emma : Will, what are we doing? I mean, you're having a baby. Um, and anyway, uh... I have a date. Will : Oh, that's great. Emma : Yeah. Will : Yeah, but, with who? Emma : I'm going to go to Tulip-A-Looza. With Ken. Will, disappointed, leaving Emma to leave his side. SCENE 31: Will's apartment - Terri and Will Will, arriving late at night, tired from his day job after two. While waiting for Terri to a romantic dinner. Terri : There's my man. Bringing home the bacon. Will : You... you made dinner. I thought you'd be asleep. Terri : Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, so I made you chicken pot pie. From scratch. Will : Terri, that's so thoughtful. I... Settling both at the table. Will : Yeah, you know, I've been working so hard lately, some ....Sometimes I forget what I'm doing it for. Family's what's important to me. You and the little guy or gal on the way. I hope you know that. Terri : Yeah. Will : I'm sorry. What was it you wanted to talk about? Terri : I went to the baby doctor today. Will : And? Terri : And... It's a boy. Will, rising to shake his wife in his arms. Will : Oh, my God. Terri, that's amazing. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh! Terri : I want you to give up being a janitor. Will : What? Terri : Yeah. We don't need a new house. We'll turn my craft room into a nursery. It's a compromise that I want to make. Will : Really? Terri : Yeah. You know the only project that I want to work on now...is us. Will surprised but happy, tenderly kisses his wife. Will : I love you so much. Will's Terri tightening in these arms more and more embarrassed for her lie. SCENE 32: In the auditorium - Will and Rachel Will and Rachel talking music. Rachel : You're giving Quinn Fabray the solo? That's my solo. Will : You made this happen, Rachel. You were the one who wanted to sell s*x at the assembly. Quinn's audition song was on Figgins's approved list, and frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it. Rachel : You're punishing me. Will : Contrary to your beliefs, it's not all about you. Or, I've realized, about me. Look, I screwed up, too. I'm as responsible for what you did at that assembly as you are. I should never have pushed disco so hard. When we did it back in '93, the disco revival was in its heyday. It was cool. We had fun. And that... that is what Glee is supposed to be about. If we're going to succeed, we both need to change our mindsets. You're not always going to be the star. But I promise to do my best to make sure you're always having fun. This is a good thing, Rachel. We're on our way.. Will starting to leave. Rachel : Can I use the auditorium later to practe? Our neighbors are filing a lawsuit. Will : Sure. Rachel - Song: Take a Bow Rachel, alone and sad, singing in choir in the auditorium accompanied by Tina and Mercedes. She remembers her wishes to become a great singer facing his ice bath and out with Finn. Although he only has eyes for Quinn.

Plan: A: the first time; Q: When does the glee club perform in front of the school? A: Will; Q: Who takes a second job as a janitor? A: Emma; Q: Who does Will grow closer to? A: football coach Ken Tanaka; Q: Who does Emma go on a date with? A: Terri; Q: Who is having a hysterical pregnancy? A: a son; Q: What does Terri tell Will they are having? A: Cheerleaders Santana; Q: Who is one of the cheerleaders that joins New Directions? A: Naya Rivera; Q: Who plays Santana? A: ( Heather Morris; Q: Who plays Brittany? A: Dianna Agron; Q: Who plays Finn's girlfriend Quinn? A: Sue Sylvester; Q: Who recruits the cheerleaders to help bring down the club? A: Jane Lynch; Q: Who plays Sue Sylvester? A: Rachel; Q: Who kisses Finn while rehearsing? Summary: The glee club must perform in front of the school for the first time in an attempt to recruit new members. Will takes a second job as a janitor and grows closer to Emma, who decides to respect that he is married and instead accepts a date with football coach Ken Tanaka . Terri discovers she is having a hysterical pregnancy , but hides the truth from Will, telling him they are having a son. Cheerleaders Santana ( Naya Rivera ), Brittany ( Heather Morris ), and Finn's girlfriend Quinn ( Dianna Agron ) join New Directions, recruited by coach Sue Sylvester ( Jane Lynch ) to help bring down the club. Rachel and Finn kiss while rehearsing, but Finn chooses to return to Quinn.

[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] (We start with the Las Vegas city lights, then rise up to look over the horizon.) FLASH TO: [EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE -- NIGHT] (A two-story farmhouse with a windmill outside. The lights are on inside. Through the windows, we see movement.) [INT. FINCH RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT (Addie Finch is watching a television cooking show while doing the dishes. The reception isn't good and she whacks the set with frustration.) Addie Finch: (mutters) Piece of crap. (She goes back to doing the dishes. She hears the door open.) Addie Finch: Jay? Is that you? (There's no answer. She continues wiping the dishes.) (Someone comes up from behind Addie and stabs her in the back with a knife.) (She gasps.) (The man stabs her in the chest and she falls to the kitchen floor. She gasps for breath as the bloodied knife drips on her.) Catherine: (V.O.) CSI processed the knife and found blood from four different sources, -- FLASH TO: [INT. COURTROOM - DAY] (Catherine is on the stand. A photo of the knife and ruler is on the monitor.) Catherine: -- three of which were intermingled together on the blade. One matched Addie Finch, the victim. (Catherine changes the image on the monitor to a close-up of the knife blade.) Catherine: The other two were also female. And based on the number of DNA markers they have in common, they're either sisters or mother and daughter. They are not related to Addie Finch. And both remain unidentified. ADA Jasmine Davis: And the fourth DNA source? Catherine: When I disassembled the knife, I found blood on the tang, which is the steel area under the handle. ADA Jasmine Davis: Were you able to identify this DNA? Catherine: It was a match to the victim's son, Jay Gregory Finch. ADA Jasmine Davis: The defendant. Catherine: That's right. ADA Jasmine Davis: No further questions, Your Honor. Judge Hyak: Cross-examination, Mr. Novak? (Adam Novak looks up.) Adam Novak: Did you recover the knife from the scene three years ago? Catherine: No, the defendant turned it in to PD. (He stands up and walks toward the jury.) Adam Novak: A man comes home ... only to find his mother bleeding on the floor, a knife stuck in her chest. In a desperate attempt to save her life, he removes the knife from her chest. But it's too late. He takes the knife in question to the authorities, cooperates with their investigation, and then you charge him with murder. Catherine: The defendant did not call for help, and he waited five days to turn it in. Adam Novak: He was in shock. You found two unknown sources of blood on that knife. Isn't it possible that one or both of them killed Addie Finch? ADA Jasmine Davis: Objection. Speculative. Judge Hyak: I'll allow it. Catherine: It's possible. However, Mr. Finch's blood was found isolated near the handle. Stabbing is a messy business. I believe that Mr. Finch cut himself ... Adam Novak: You've been warned about speculation, Ms. Willows. Catherine: It's not speculation. Adam Novak: From his birth until the time of his mother's death, Mr. Finch lived in that house. Isn't it equally possible he cut himself on that knife at a separate occasion? Catherine: Yes, but ... Adam Novak: For the record, her answer was "Yes, it's possible." No further questions. TIME CUT TO: (ADA Jasmine Davis re-directs. Catherine is still on the stand.) ADA Jasmine Davis: Though Addie Finch received multiple stab wounds, the actual cause of death was a gunshot wound. Isn't that correct? Catherine: We believe that the defendant stabbed his mother multiple times, stood over her while she was dying, and shot her in the forehead to complete the act. Adam Novak: You recovered a bullet from Ms. Finch's body. Did you also recover a gun? Catherine: No. Adam Novak: So you have nothing with which to forensically match the bullet? Catherine: The bullet was a .38. The defendant's father, who passed away in 1989, was seen in photographs holding a .38. We also found an empty gun case in the defendant's closet which tested positive for chromium steel. Adam Novak: My belt buckle is also made of metal. If I kept it in a box, wouldn't it also test positive? Catherine: Do you keep it in a velvet-lined gun box? Adam Novak: No further questions. FLASH TO: [LATER] (The head juror reads the verdict.) Head Juror: On the sole count of murder in the first degree, we, the jury, find the defendant, Jay Gregory Finch ... not guilty. (The judge bangs the gavel. Jay Finch sighs. Adam Novak turns and shakes his hand.) Adam Novak: You won. Jay Finch: Thank you. Adam Novak: Take care of yourself. (Adam Novak turns to leave. Catherine turns to talk with him.) Catherine: Quite the salesman, Mr. Novak. (They head out of the courtroom.) Adam Novak: Not a hard sell. Catherine: Finch is guilty. Adam Novak: You once said the same about me. You were wrong then, too. Catherine: Yeah, you're not a murderer; you just set them free. FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - CATHERIN'E OFFICE -- DAY] (Catherine and Nick watch Jay Finch's interview video. The date stamp on the bottom of the monitor is from DEC 18.) Brass: (from video) (o.s.) Why didn't you bring the knife directly in to us. Jay Finch: (from video) I get these anxiety attacks ... since I hit my head real bad playing football my senior year. I get these brutal headaches. So, I climb into my car and drive. Sometimes for days. It ... it calms me. Mom and I took care of each other. We were a good team. Catherine: What a load of crap. (She gets up.) We found his bags packed near the door. Addie raised a momma's boy and she'd finally had enough. She was kicking his ass out and he snapped. Nick: Did Finch have a history of violence? Catherine: No, but his CT scan showed damage to the amygdala and the frontal lobe. That kind of injury has been known to change personality, to make a person more inclined to violence. We need to ID his other two victims. Charge Finch with a new crime. No double jeopardy. We can even use the knife again. Nick: Catherine, we tried three years ago. There were no other female-related crimes in the Vegas metro area that week. Catherine: He drove for five days, Nick. Nick: Yes, and as I recall, we put out a broadcast covering cities statewide. Catherine: But not to any of the small towns in between. They aren't connected to a central network. Nick: (sighs) Needle in a haystack. Catherine: It's our job to find a needle in a haystack. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (Grissom opens the present and finds a WILLIAMS sweatshirt inside. Hodges stands in front of the desk and grins as Grissom takes the sweatshirt out of the box.) Grissom: How did you know about this? Hodges: I saw an approved leave of absence form on Ecklie's desk. Don't worry, I didn't say anything to anyone else. Did you think that you were going to teach at my alma mater in the dead of winter without warm clothes? Grissom: I thought you went to college in San Diego. Hodges: Graduate school. Undergraduate was all about the Bay State. Crazy times, my friend, crazy times. Those Hampshire girls down in Amherst? Insane. Grissom: Thank you. Hodges: You're welcome. (Grissom sets the sweatshirt and box to the side. Hodges sits down in the chair.) Hodges: What are you teaching? Grissom: The seasonal fluctuations in observed behaviors of the Walden Pond swamp mosquito. Hodges: Excellent. Yeah, I don't know what college was like for you, but for me it was a new beginning, a chance to reinvent myself. For the first time in my life, I felt like I fit in. Not like now. I mean ... you and I are close, but sometimes I just don't think the others get me. (Catherine knocks on the door.) Catherine: You got a second? Hodges: He's kind of busy. (Grissom and Catherine both look at Hodges. Hodges gets to his feet.) Hodges: Oh. When you get a chance, hit the Purple Pint. Ask for Cookie. Tell her Davey Hodges sent you. Drinks'll be on the house. Grissom: Crazy times. Hodges: Yeah. (Hodges leaves the office.) Catherine: Jay Finch got an oil change the day that he killed his mother. We compared the odometer reading on the work order against what it read when we impounded his car. The difference was 350 miles. We used that to create a search radius. Nick and I just spent six hours on the phone with sheriffs in every county inside that area. There was one unsolved case that matched our criteria in Larkston: a Laura Montoya and her 12-year-old daughter, Robyn. Grissom: Why are we talking about this? Finch got off, didn't he? Catherine: And I don't buy it. I need to go to Larkston. Grissom: You can't. Catherine: Look, I want a second shot at this guy. I want to get him before he kills again. Grissom: I'm going on sabbatical. You're gonna be the acting supervisor while I'm gone. (By the look on Catherine's face, this is news to her.) Catherine: When are you leaving? Grissom: Tomorrow night. Catherine: I'll be back before then. (Catherine starts to leave, then turns and looks at Grissom.) Catherine: How long have you known about this? (Grissom shakes his head. Catherine gives up and heads out.) (We hold on Grissom.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CSI -- PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (Catherine exits the building with her bag and her kit. On her way to her car, Adam Novak walks up to her.) Adam Novak: Need a vacation? Catherine: I guess I should be grateful you didn't stop by my house. Adam Novak: And get a gun in my face? No, thank you. I can take a hint. Catherine: What do you want? (Catherine puts her things in the car and slams the door.) Adam Novak: I'm here waving a white flag. Look, I owe you an apology. I regret the way I've behaved toward you in the past. I've sobered up, and I want to make amends. Catherine: Climbing the 12 Steps. Adam Novak: Got a few more to go. Catherine: Well, you can check me off the list. Thank you for stopping by. (Catherine turns her back on him and climbs into her car. Adam Novak: Hey ... which pissed you off more, that Finch went free or that I won? Catherine: I'm fifty-fifty. Adam Novak: (smiles) There's still hope for me. (Adam turns and walks away. He passes Nick, who is on his way to the car. Catherine starts the engine.) Nick: You all right? Catherine: Perfect timing. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS DESERT HIGHWAY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CAR (TRAVELING) - DAY] (Nick talks with Catherine as they drive through the town.) Nick: Sabbatical's usually a euphemism for "sayonara." I don't think Grissom's coming back. Catherine: Why wouldn't he? Nick: I don't know. He shaved his beard, he's lost a little weight, he's been leaving when shift is over. I think he even took a day off last week. Catherine: Maybe he's got himself a girlfriend. Nick: That's what I'm saying. You know, I thought you were going to leave a few months ago. Catherine: (deadpans) Why, 'cause I shaved my beard? Nick: (chuckles) No, I mean, I ... you don't really have to work anymore if you don't want to, right? Catherine: What are you talking about? Nick: Well ... Sam, with your dad ... the whole thing. Catherine: Oh, is that what people think? That daddy's little girl got herself a big inheritance? Well, let me tell you something, Nicky. All of Sam's money is tied up in a big hole in the ground on a very nice piece of Strip real estate, but I got no dog in that fight. (NO AUDIO) NICK: Well, I'm glad that someone's sticking around. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LARKSTON -- DAY] (The large road sign reads: WELCOME TO LARKSTON CITY LIMIT POPULATION 1291 (Catherine turns the car into the parking lot. She pulls up alongside Sheriff Beth McGuire, who is leaning against her own officer car.) (Catherine and Nick get out of the car.) Sheriff Beth McGuire: Hey. Now you guys aren't here to make me look bad, are you? Nick: No. Sheriff Beth McGuire: Just busting chops. Sheriff Beth McGuire. (They shake hands.) Nick: Nick Stokes. Nice to meet you. Catherine: Catherine Willows. Nice to meet you. (Beth turns and heads over to the outside tables.) Sheriff Beth McGuire: Hi. I just read that file that you sent over. Jay Finch, he looks like a real son of a bitch. Laura Montoya, she was a good friend of mine. So, uh ... (A woman walks past.) Sheriff Beth McGuire: Hey, Ronnie. How you doing? Ronnie: Hi, Sheriff. Sheriff Beth McGuire: I would really be happy to see this case solved. Catherine: Yeah, as would we. Nick: Why don't you ... run us through it, Sheriff? Sheriff Beth McGuire: Okay. Uh ... Laura ... and her daughter were right ... here eating burgers and drinking shakes. They were the last customers of the night. (Quick flashback to: Jake Hanson closes up.) Sheriff Beth McGuire: (V.O.) Luke Hanson closed up, and then he left and they were still right here, eating. [Note: It sounds like she says "Luke."] Jake Hanson: I'm heading home, girls. Don't you stay all night. Laura Montoya: Stay hi to your mom, Jake. (End of flashback.) Sheriff Beth McGuire: And I was called about 10:00 p.m. Couple of local skateboarders. They saw the blood and they just, you know, called it in. Nick: No bodies? Sheriff Beth McGuire: No. Just a blood pool ... here. (She points.) I found some blood drops leading out through the parking lot towards the main road. Catherine: Abduction? Sheriff Beth McGuire: I don't know. One minute, my best friend is just having an Oreo smoothie with her kid, and then the next minute all I got is blood drops. Nick: Did you identify who the blood belonged to? Sheriff Beth McGuire: We sent a sample to the Reno Lab. Came back a match to Laura. (Nick looks around the table and stops at the other side.) Catherine: Mother's the bigger threat. Probably took her out first. And once she was injured, the daughter got scared into compliance. Nick: Any idea on the mode of death? Beth McGuire: Well, I know your guy used a knife and a gun, but I didn't recover any weapons. Catherine: We're gonna need a blood sample to compare to our knife. Beth McGuire: I-I got that back in the fridge at the station. Nick: You know, there are quite a few nicks in the pavement down here. (Catherine is standing.) Catherine: So if Laura was seated here ... the shooter would've had to aim downward to impact the asphalt. (Nick indicates his chest.) Nick: Then this would have been the trajectory of the bullet. Now, there's what appears to be a ricochet mark headed in the right direction. (A CGI image of Laura appears sitting at the table.) Catherine: Killer shoots Laura from behind... (Catherine points her finger as if she were shooting a gun. BAM! A CGI bullet fires from the tip of her finger, through the CGI image of Laura and hits the asphalt.) Nick: Wait a minute. (Nick looks under the table and finds the bullet.) Nick: Oh, yeah. I think we're in business, ladies. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Grissom is boxing up the miniature crime scenes. He places one in a plexi-glass container when Warrick walks in.) Warrick: Hey, Gris. So, uh, Hodges tells me you're flying the coop. What's the matter, you sick of baby-sitting? Grissom: Just the opposite. I'm a teacher without any students. Warrick: I've still got a lot to learn. Besides, having you around kinda keeps me honest. Grissom: Whether you know it or not, you're the rock of my team. Catherine's going to be in charge for a while while I'm gone. Be there for her like you've been there for me and we'll all be fine. Warrick: Thanks. It means a lot. You know I got you covered. What, are you sending those to the... the Louvre? Grissom: Ernie Dell did kill with an artistic touch. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NEVADA DESERT (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. LARKSTON -- DAY] (Nick and Catherine have the table on its side as Nick removes the bullet.) Nick: .25 caliber. Catherine: Finch used a .38. Beth McGuire: No dice, huh? Nick: Finch could've used a different gun, but chances are, yeah, they're unrelated. Beth McGuire: When you guys called, I ... I let myself believe that Laura was still alive. Well, now, I'm-I'm just gonna pray that she's dead. I just don't want to think about the alternative. Catherine: Thank you for your help, Beth. (They shake hands.) Beth McGuire: I gotta call her sister in Denver. This'll be the second time I've gotten her hopes up. Catherine: There was a first time? Beth McGuire: Well, there was a double murder the day after Laura went missing. It was about twenty miles outside of Larkston--a Mary Acheson and her daughter, Heather Curtis. (Catherine is stunned.) At first, I-I thought it was related to the disappearance of Robin and Laura, but, but it wasn't. Catherine: Why didn't you tell us this before? Beth McGuire: It's a closed case. We got the guy. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LARKSTON P.D. - FILE ROOM - DAY] (Beth heads over to the file cabinet and looks for the case file. She shows Catherine and Nick the photos.) Beth McGuire: Robert Guffey. Okay ... He's in, uh ... Carson City. He's doing a life term in the Nevada State Prison. Yeah. His bloody fingerprints were all over the crime scene, and he confessed the next day. Catherine: So you initially thought that Guffey was also good for your friend Laura and her daughter's abduction. What changed your mind? Beth McGuire: There was no evidence to link him and, uh, he had an alibi. Plus, he would only admit to Heather and Mary's murders. Nick: How'd he kill them? Catherine: Stabbed, then shot. Beth McGuire: This is Heather Curtis. She and her husband lived with Mary Acheson, her mother. So, uh ... Shawn was at work, and then he called home, and then when nobody answered the phone, he knew that something was wrong. Nick: So the son was home? Beth McGuire: He was hiding. (They look at a photo of Guffey.) Beth McGuire: That. That's Robert Guffey. Nick: So Guffey knew the victims? Beth McGuire: He was their plumber. Yeah. Old house, bad pipes. Oh, he was there all the time. Catherine: Says here he has a history of violence. Beth McGuire: Beat his girlfriend. Oh, yeah, and his ex-wife has a TRO against him. But this is his very first murder. Unless, of course, he killed Addie Finch first. So maybe you're looking for my guy. Catherine: Was Guffey in Vegas that week? Beth McGuire: I don't know. I didn't ask him. Nick: Did you recover a handgun? Beth McGuire: Yeah. Oh, yeah, at his house. It was a .38, same caliber as your case. Catherine: But you couldn't match the bullets to it? Beth McGuire: Reno Lab said that the bullets were too damaged, you know, from bouncing around inside the victims' skulls so they just couldn't get any kind of comparison at all. Catherine: I'm assuming you have the blood samples from the two victims? Beth McGuire: They're at the Reno Lab, but, uh ... I can do you one better. You can take your own samples. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CURTIS HOUSE -- DAY] (The sheriff leads Catherine and Nick to the Curtis house. They stop at the closed gate. There's a windmill out front. The cars park and the sheriff exits her car.) Beth McGuire: Just a sec, I'm gonna open this thing. (Beth opens the gate.) Nick: You thinking what I'm thinking? Catherine: Looks like Addie Finch's house. (Quick flashback to: The Finch's residence complete with windmill out front. End flashback.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Beth, Catherine and Nick head for the front door.) Beth McGuire: Danny and Shawn got an apartment in town. They've never been back here. And Shawn, he can't quite bring himself to sell the place. Nick: So, nothing inside's been touched in three years? Beth McGuire: Nope. This door is a time machine. (She unlocks and opens the front door.) [INT. CURTIS HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (They enter the house. The sheriff starts to walk them through what happened and where as she points to the various bloodstains on the floor.) Beth McGuire: This blood pool belongs to Mary, the mom. And, uh ... this blood down here belongs to Heather, the daughter. Nick: Screen door's ripped. Beth McGuire: Must have been a struggle. We printed it, only got smeared partials. Catherine: Mary answers the door. The killer forces his way in ... stabs her. (Quick flashback to: The killer forces his way into the house and stabs Mary. End flashback.) Catherine: Heather comes to her mother's aid. (Catherine turns and visualizes a CGI Heather standing at the kitchen sink. She turns and heads over to help her mother.) Heather Curtis: Mom? (Heather struggles with the intruder and gets stabbed.) Catherine: (V.O.) Gets stabbed herself. (Heather crawls on the floor.) Catherine: (V.O.) And flees to the kitchen. (Nick takes a swab sample of the blood in front of him.) Nick: The killer finishes Mary off and hunts Heather down. Catherine: He catches up with Heather and executes her as well. (End of visualization and flashbacks.) (Beth shows Catherine and Nick the sink.) Beth McGuire: This is where we found Danny. Poor little guy had peed in his pants. He wouldn't come out to anybody but his dad. (Nick looks out the window into the back yard.) Catherine: Is this the phone that you pulled Guffey's prints from? Beth McGuire: Uh ... yeah. Guffey admitted to having made an anonymous 911 call from the house at 3:20 p.m. And he didn't stick around. Nick: Whose blood on the door handle? Beth McGuire: Oh, we tested it. That's a mixture of the victims'. Nick: I think whoever did this might have seen Danny's toys in the backyard, thought the job wasn't done yet ... and went outside to finish it. (Nick walks outside.) [EXT. CURTIS RESIDENCE - BACK YARD - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Nick looks outside. He finds a rabbit hutch with the skeletal remains of several rabbits.) (He removes the sideboard and looks inside the hutch and finds another rabbit skeleton.) Nick: He shot the rabbits. Beth McGuire: I believe that Guffey thought that Danny was inside. We got a confession. We didn't need those bullets, so we didn't collect them. Catherine: So we found one bullet in Addie Finch, you found one in Mary, one in Heather. There're three in this hutch. Nick: If all these bullets were shot from the same .38, six would kick it. Three murders, one gun, one killer. Catherine: But was it Guffey, or was it Finch? Nick: Well, these bullets should answer that question. Catherine: Let's start digging. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CURTIS RESIDENCE - BACK YARD - DAY] (Catherine and Nick remove the rabbit hutch. Nick snaps photos while Catherine uses a metal detector on the grounds.) [SCENE_BREAK] (She finds something and the detector beeps steadily.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Nick starts digging; Catherine sifts through the dirt.) (Catherine finds a bullet.) Catherine: Hey. (She picks it up and looks at it.) Catherine: There's enough here for a comparison. Nick: Good. Good, if it matches Guffey's gun, he stays in prison, but if it doesn't, we've got no gun to tie to Finch. Catherine: You need to get all the evidence back to the lab. (Nick takes the bullet from Catherine.) Nick: What are you gonna do? Catherine: I'm gonna go see Guffey. Nick: He's not gonna talk to you, Catherine. Catherine: We'll see. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY] (Grissom enters the room and finds Greg pouring himself a cup of coffee.) Grissom: Hey, how's it going on your civil case? Did you get a lawyer? Greg: LVPD said they'll provide me with an attorney. Grissom: Get your own counsel, Greg. That's your right. Greg: Well, are you gonna give me a raise? Because otherwise I can't afford that. Grissom: Call the PPACE, talk to your union rep. This was an on-duty incident. They'll provide you with an attorney. Greg: How's the union lawyer gonna be any different? Grissom: The department's only interest is the department. They'll throw you under the bus to protect themselves. When's your deposition? Greg: Three weeks from tomorrow. Grissom: Stick to whatever you put in the report. Don't waiver, be consistent. Everything's gonna be fine. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM -- DAY] (Robbins has the autopsy photos spread out on the table and has his phone in his hand. He listens to the end of Catherine's answering machine.) Catherine: (from phone) Hi, you've reached CSI Catherine Willows. Please leave a message at the tone. Robbins: (to phone) Yeah, Cath, it's Doc Robbins. [INT. NEVADA STATE PRISON - DAY] (Catherine hands over her cell phone and keys.) Robbins: (V.O.) (to phone) I reviewed the autopsy photos on all three victims. (Catherine signs in.) Robbins: (V.O.) (to phone) The wounds appear consistent in all three cases. Vics were stabbed in the chest, and then presumably while choking on their own blood, they were shot. COD for each: single GSW to the head. (She turns around and the guard sweeps a hand-held metal detector over her front and back.) (Catherine picks up her file folder and heads for the visiting room. She does up the buttons on the top of her blouse. The guard opens the door.) Catherine: Robert Guffey? (The guard points to the man sitting on the other side of the glass. Catherine enters the room.) [INT. NEVADA STATE PRISON - VISITING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Catherine sits down and picks up the phone. Robert Guffey picks up the phone on his end.) Robert Guffey: I don't know you. Catherine: You can call me Catherine. Robert Guffey: Unless you're here for a conjugal, I'm not calling you anything. Catherine: What do you like to be called? Robert Guffey: "The best I ever had." (He looks at Catherine, then he looks at her buttoned-up chest. Catherine notes the look.) Catherine: There was a murder that was committed in Vegas two days before the Acheson-Curtis murders. I think the same person committed both crimes and I think that person is you. Mr. Guffey, this is how this is going to work. Every time you answer one of my questions, I unbutton a button. Are you ready? Robert Guffey: (chuckles) Does that count as a question? (Catherine undoes the top button. She holds up a morgue photo of Addie Finch.) Catherine: You recognize this woman? Robert Guffey: Nope. (Catherine undoes the next button.) Robert Guffey: (pleased) That's it. Playing ball. Catherine: Why did you kill Mary Acheson and Heather Curtis? Robert Guffey: Ah, 'cause sometimes women get killed. (Catherine buttons up a button.) Robert Guffey: Oh, don't be like that. Catherine: Well, that wasn't an answer. Robert Guffey: It was enough for those other cops. Catherine: What's that supposed to mean? Robert Guffey: That, uh, means I didn't do it. Catherine: Well, then why did you confess? Robert Guffey: They had me in a room for twelve hours ... no food, no water, no sleep. I had to beg to use the bathroom. Catherine: So now you're claiming you were coerced. Robert Guffey: I've been claiming that since day one. I recanted the next morning. (He points.) Button. (Catherine undoes the button.) Robert Guffey: That bitch cop ... grabs my arm, points to this vein and says, "That's where the needle will go when they put you down like the dog you are." If I wanted to avoid the death penalty, all I had to tell her was what she and-and-and her deputies wanted to hear. (points) That's worth two. (Catherine undoes just one.) Catherine: Just pace yourself. How come your prints were found all over the house? Robert Guffey: Front door was open ... (Quick flashback to: The front door opens and Robert Guffey looks inside. He finds Mary on the floor in a pool of blood.) Robert Guffey: Mary? Mary?! (He rushes over to check her pulse. He looks up and sees Heather on the floor near the kitchen. He rushes over to check her pulse.) (He turns and picks up the phone.) (Flash to: Robert calls for help.) Robert Guffey: (to phone) There are two dead bodies at the Curtis house. No, no, no, no. (He quickly turns and puts the phone down on the counter. He leaves the house.) (End flashback.) Catherine: So you called for help, but didn't stick around. Robert Guffey: I done ... a few nights in prison for smacking my wife around, my girlfriend before that. I knew how it'd look. No good deed, right? How about just one more for good behavior? Catherine: Let's see if your story checks out. (Catherine hangs up. She stands up and heads out as he watches.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Nick returns to the office with a cooler of samples. Grissom steps out of his office and calls out to him.) Grissom: Hey, Nick. Nick: Hey. Grissom: Where's Catherine? Nick: Not back yet. I got a ride here with a local deputy. Grissom: She told me she was going to be back before I left. Nick: Oh, yeah. Listen, about that ... I told my folks when I went to college I'd be back, you know? Go to work at the D.A.'s office with my dad. You can kinda see how that turned out. Anyway, I just wanted to say it's been great, man. (Nick gives a bewildered Grissom in a big hug.) Nick: Really, I've learned a lot from you, man. Grissom: I'll be back in four weeks. Stop hugging me. (Nick lets Grissom go.) Nick: Yes, sir. (Grissom shakes his head, turns and heads back into the office. Nick turns and continues down the hallway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB -- DAY] (Nick test-fires the gun. He gets the bullet and puts it under a scope to compare it with the bullet they found.) (Nick takes his phone out and calls Catherine.) Nick: (to phone) Hey, Catherine, I tested the rabbit bullet to Guffey's gun. No match. INTERCUT WITH: [EXT. LARKSTON - DAY] Catherine: He's probably innocent. Nick: But, but it did match the stria to the bullet that killed Addie Finch. Catherine: Which brings us back to Jay Finch and his missing .38. Nick: Yes, ma'am, it does. Catherine: Well, look, the only way we're gonna get a conviction is we place Finch at the Curtis house. In the meantime, have Brass put a tail on Finch. I'm not sure if he's a flight risk. I don't want to take a chance. Nick: Okay, okay. And hey, one more thing. Tell the sheriff that I ran the bullet from her abduction case through IBIS and there was no hit as well. Sorry. Catherine: I'll tell her. (Catherine walks into the Police Department building.) [INT. LARKSTON POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY] (Catherine talks with Beth McGuire.) Catherine: Robert Guffey alleges that he was coerced into a false confession. Beth McGuire: And you've never heard that one before? Catherine: Did anything unorthodox happen during his interrogation? Beth McGuire: What is your point, Catherine? Catherine: Did you ever do an interrogation tired, Beth? Use your frustration, snap at the suspect just so you can go home? Use all that edge to get a confession? Beth McGuire: Am I being interrogated now? Catherine: You questioned Robert Guffey the exact week your best friend and her daughter disappeared. That's not just edge, that's a whole blade. Beth McGuire: I was sure Guffey was guilty till you showed up. Who admits to a crime he didn't commit? Who does that? Catherine: People under duress. Beth McGuire: You come into this town, you make me wrong, and then you go ride off into the sunset. And where does that leave me? Catherine: With the opportunity to right a wrong. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - RECEPTION - DAY] (Adam Novak argues with the receptionist.) Receptionist: Sir, someone will be with you ... Adam Novak: Look, I already told you, babe, I ain't going anywhere. So unless you want to have a really screwed-up day, I suggest you get her down here now. (Nick walks up to him.) Nick: Mr. Novak. Adam Novak: Where's Willows? Nick: Out. How can I help you? Adam Novak: Why the hell is this department tailing my client? Nick: Concern for his safety? Adam Novak: That's cute. Jay Finch was acquitted of his mother's murder. He deserves all the rights of a free man. Nick: With all due respect, Mr. Novak, no laws have been broken here. Adam Novak: You can't try Finch twice for the same crime. Nick: No, but you can for a different crime. Adam Novak: Oh, I see. This is a personal vendetta by CSI Willows. Nick: Personal to who? Adam Novak: Me. She's a man-hater. No surprise, but how long do we have to pay for the sins of her father? Nick: You know, Catherine and I get along just great. Maybe it's you. Adam Novak: Well, you tell Catherine she continues badgering my client, I will file a claim with the Attorney General's office for oppression under cover of law. Nick: Duly noted. (Novak turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. CURTIS RESIDENCE - FRONT -- DAY] (Catherine and Beth McGuire talk with Shawn Curtis. Danny Curtis sits in the truck.) Shawn Curtis: What do you mean, he's innocent? He confessed. Beth McGuire: I screwed up, Shawn. Shawn Curtis: He dragged their blood through my house and took off. This is bull ... (He turns and looks back at Danny sitting in the truck.) Shawn Curtis: I spent three years trying to get those memories out of my head. Are you telling me it's gonna start all over again? Beth McGuire: I get that. I get that, Shawn. I really do. And I wouldn't drag you and Danny out here if it weren't important. Catherine: Guffey was in your house, but probably after the fact. We believe we know who actually committed the crimes. Beth McGuire: And unless we find the evidence that he was in there, we'll never know for sure. Catherine: Mr. Curtis, your son was the only one that got out alive. He may have seen something. Shawn Curtis: I don't think I can go in there. How can I ask my son to do it? Catherine: May I ask him? (He gives his approval.) Catherine: Thank you. (Catherine walks over to the truck.) Catherine: Hi, Danny. I'm Catherine. I'm trying to catch the bad guy that hurt your mom and your grandma, and I could really use your help. Danny: Do you think they're with God? Catherine: What do you think? Danny: I think they're still in there. Catherine: Why? Danny: They're waiting to fly up to heaven. Catherine: What are they waiting for? Danny: For me to say good-bye. (Danny opens the truck door and climbs out.) [INT. CURTIS RESIDENCE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The door opens and Danny walks in. He stops in front of the first bloodstain. He turns around and looks at his father standing just outside the doorway.) Danny: Come on, Dad. (Shawn steps into the house and joins Danny. Beth and Catherine follow.) Danny: Mom had made cookies. (Flashback to: Four-year-old Danny walks into the kitchen in search of cookies. He opens the moo-cow cookie jar and swipes a cookie. The cookie jar moos.) Heather: (o.s.) Danny, I can hear you. Put the cookie back. (Instead, Danny opens the cupboard under the sink and hides there to eat his cookie. Heather comes down the stairs just as Danny shuts the cabinet door.) (End flashback.) (Danny heads over to the cabinet. He looks down and sees the splotches leading up to the second blood pool. He walks past the blood pool and heads over to the sink.) Danny: I hid in here. (Danny hesitates and looks back at Shawn. Shawn motions for him to go on. Danny opens the cabinet under the sink and tries to get inside.) Shawn: He's a lot bigger now. Heather always said he grew fast. (Danny sits under the sink.) Danny: Then there was someone at the door. (Quick flashback to: Mary struggles with someone at the door who is trying to get inside the house.) Mary Acheson: No! Man: This is my house! Heather: (o.s.) Mom, what's going on? Mom? (Danny watches as Heather arrives to help.) (Mary groans as she's stabbed first.) (Heather struggles with the man at the door. He stabs them with the knife.) (She crawls a little toward the kitchen, then a gun fires. A second gunshot is heard.) (Danny gasps, scared.) (The man heads over in Danny's direction. He comes close enough that Danny can see the knife in his hand dripping with blood.) (The cookie jar cow moos.) (End flashback.) (Danny sits under the sink. Catherine: And then what happened, Danny? Danny: I heard him eat a cookie. Then he went out the back door. I heard some more bangs. Thought he was gone, and then he came back in through the front door, called the police. (Catherine looks back at Beth.) Beth McGuire: Guffey. (Shawn motions to Danny. Danny gets out of the cabinet under the sink and gives his dad a hug.) Shawn: You did great, buddy. (Catherine looks around and opens the cookie jar. The cow moos, its batteries dying. On the inside cover of the cookie jar, Catherine finds a bloodied print.) Danny: Say good-bye, Dad. Shawn: Good-bye, baby. (Shawn cries.) (We hold on Catherine.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT] (Catherine takes digital photos of the print inside the cookie jar. She removes the card from the camera.) (The digital image of the print is in the computer. Catherine runs the print through the database.) (She takes a swab sample of the blood and heads out of the lab.) (Dissolve to: Catherine is typing in the computer when her phone rings. She checks the caller ID: ADAM NOVAK 7:30 p.m. (She hangs up and puts the phone aside. The printer prints the results.) (Nick walks in.) Nick: Hey, Catherine. Wendy found two DNA markers from the bloody fingerprint on the cookie jar. Related females -- Heather and Mary. Catherine: And the knife? Nick: Also a match. Catherine: (smiles) We got him, Nick. (They knock fists. She looks at the printout.) Catherine: AFIS hit -- Jay Finch. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FINCH RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (A couple police cars roll quietly up the front. Their car lights are dark.) [INT. FINCH RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (Jay Finch is in the kitchen.) (Through the living room windows, we see the officers just outside on the porch. They give the signal and they enter the house quietly, their guns held in position.) (They make their way toward the kitchen. The SWAT officer opens the kitchen door.) (Inside the kitchen, Jay Finch cuts the crusts off the sandwiches he's making. He gets ready to cut the tomato when the SWAT surrounds the kitchen from all entry points.) (Jay cuts his tomatoes.) (The SWAT leader gives his signal and they enter the kitchen.) SWAT Leader: Mr. Finch, Las Vegas Police. Put the knife down. Stand back with your hands up. (Jay goes back to his sandwich. He puts butter on his bread.) Jay Finch: What are you doing in my house? SWAT Leader: Mr. Finch, put the knife down. Jay Finch: This is my house. SWAT Leader: I'm not gonna ask you again. Put it down. Jay Finch: No ... (Jay puts his sandwich together, picks up his plate and sits at the kitchen table. SWAT steps into the kitchen. Jay takes a bite of his sandwich.) SWAT Leader: Get him. (They handcuff Jay and lead him out of the kitchen.) (On their way out, they walk past Catherine and Nick waiting out on the porch.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FINCH RESIDENCE - JAY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT] (The bed is covered with a hand-stitched cover with his name on it, JAY.) (Catherine and Nick stand at the base of the bed. Catherine looks around the bedroom while Nick snaps photos.) Catherine: Norman Bates is keeping his mother alive and well. Nick: Yeah, looks like everything's still in the exact same place. Catherine: Including the gun. (Catherine heads for the closet.) Catherine: He kept the gun case in here. (Catherine pushes the closet covering aside.) Nick: Well, we searched everywhere the first time. He ditched the gun. (Nick snaps photos of the contents on the dresser.) (Catherine finds a box in the back of the closet shelf. In the box, she finds a composition notebook filled with pages and pages of, "There's no place like home.") (Nick stops and looks at Catherine She sighs and looks at him. She shows Nick the notebook.) Catherine: In court, he was always writing in his notebook. Now I know why. (Nick snaps a photo of the book.) Nick: Now I think I know why Finch stopped by the Curtis farm. He'd been driving for days. He was exhausted, disoriented. He thought he was home. (Quick flash to: Mary Acheson talks with Jay Finch at the front door.) Jay Finch: This is my house. MARY ACHESON: No, you have the wrong house. Jay Finch: What are you doing in my house? MARY ACHESON: I'm sorry, you have the wrong house ... (Back to scene.) Catherine: Old woman answers the door, denies him access ... Nick: And all Finch saw was his mom. Catherine: And then he saw red. (Quick flash to: Jay Finch tries to get into the house. Mary Acheson pushes the door closed on him. He pushes back.) Jay Finch: This is my house! (He steps into the house and stabs Mary. Heather heads over to help her.) Heather Curtis: Mom? (He grabs Heather and stabs her as well.) (Cut to: He walks over to Heather and fires.) WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (Catherine looks through the window into the interview room where Jay Finch is sitting. She turns and heads down the hallway. Adam Novak steps into the hallway in front of her.) Adam Novak: Do you always get what you want? Catherine: (shakes her head) Clearly not, but you don't have enough tricks in your bag to get him off this time. Adam Novak: I don't take on cases I don't think I can win. Catherine: Hey, you really want to defend the innocent? There's a guy doing life up in Carson City that could use an advocate -- Robert Guffey. Might even out your karma. Adam Novak: Ah, you're worried about me. Catherine: Just looking to keep my faith in the court system. Everyone deserves justice. If not the first time around, then the second. (She walks out of screen and we hold on Adam Novak.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM] (Sara is in the locker room. She takes her jacket off.) (Grissom walks by and stops in the doorway.) Grissom: Hey. (Sara looks up.) Grissom: My cab's here. Sara: So, you're going. Grissom: Yeah. Sara: I'll see you when you get back. (Sara turns back to her locker. Grissom waits a beat. He turns and looks down the hallway, then looks back at Sara. Sara is putting her ID badge on her belt.) (Grissom steps into the room. He lingers in the doorway, looking at Sara. Sara removes her gun from the locker. She turns and looks at Grissom.) Grissom: I'll miss you. (Sara nods.) (After a moment, Grissom leaves the room. We hold on Sara.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT] (The lights are off in the office. A man carries in a large box and puts it on Grissom's desk. The man leaves.) (CAMERA focuses on the box on the desk, then slowly moves in closer and closer. The box is marked FRAGILE and labeled to: GIL GRISSOM LAS VEGAS CRIME LAB 3057 WESTFALL AVE LAS VEGAS, NV 81956 (CAMERA picks up speed, ZOOMING in close to the packaging label - THROUGH THE BOX - THROUGH THE PACKAGING - [INT. BOX] -- where its stops on a MINIATURE desklamp with a light shining on a MINIATURE newspaper for the LAS VEGAS GLOBE. The headline reads: ANOTHER BODY FOUND! (Also on the front page is the photo of the doll's face-one eye open and one eye shut, bleeding from the forehead and in a pool of blood.) SMASH TO BLACK.

Plan: A: Catherine; Q: Who testifies in a murder trial? A: a murder trial; Q: What kind of trial does Catherine testify in? A: a man; Q: Who is accused of murdering his mother? A: the suspect; Q: Who was found not guilty? A: two; Q: How many people does Catherine believe the suspect killed? A: Nick; Q: Who does Catherine set out with to find the other victims? A: a small Nevada town; Q: Where does Catherine's probe lead her? A: three years earlier; Q: When were the elderly woman and her daughter killed? A: the lab; Q: Where does Grissom work? A: Grissom; Q: Who is leaving on a four-week sabbatical? Summary: Catherine testifies in a murder trial in which a man is accused of murdering his own mother three years ago, but the suspect is found not guilty. Catherine, however, believes he did commit the crime and that he may also have killed two other people, so she and Nick set out to find the other victims. Catherine's probe leads to a small Nevada town where an elderly woman and her daughter were fatally stabbed and shot three years earlier. Back at the lab, Grissom prepares to leave on a four-week sabbatical.

"The Girl in the Fridge" [SCENE_BREAK] (Brennan and Angela are standing around a skeleton on the table in the Bone Room. Brennan is examining a skull.) ANGELA: So I spent the night at Todd's. You remember Todd, right? The bass player with the big hands. Big nimble hands. BRENNAN: Angela, I'm trying to piece together a skull. ANGELA: You're doing a great job. So I wake up this morning and he's sitting there, right? No clothes on, just his bass. Singing to me in this low, low voice. He's creepy. BRENNAN: Angela, is this conversation really appropriate here? ANGELA: Sorry, but I'm into alive people. Anyway, Todd has a friend. BRENNAN: I thought you said he was creepy. ANGELA: Todd, not the friend. (Zack rushes in.) ZACK: Good news. BRENNAN: I hope this is work-related. ZACK: The Anthropology Journal is publishing our piece on the evolution of the coronal suture. BRENNAN: Worthy interruption. (Brennan sets down the skull as Zack holds out his fist. Brennan looks confused.) ZACK: You're supposed to bump my fist with yours. BRENNAN: Why? ZACK: I'm told it's a widely acknowledged gesture of mutual success. (Defeated, Zack puts down his fist. Angela is amused.) ANGELA: I love it when you two impersonate earthlings. (Hodgins walks in carrying a box.) HODGINS: Okay, now this is weird. There's some guy in the lounge who asked me to give you this. (Hodgins hands the box across the table to Brennan.) ANGELA: Is he alive? Because this is an excellent start to a relationship. HODGINS: I didn't put a mirror underneath his nose or anything. He said you'd know who he was when you opened it. (Brennan opens the package and pulls out a mini-dustbuster. She pauses, looking at the "gift", then shoves the box at Zack and runs out of the room.) ANGELA: Okay, a guy who gets her to stop working? This I have to see. (Angela follows after Brennan. Hodgins and Zack follow behind her.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Brennan walking on the floor of the lab. She stops and looks up. There is a man leaning on the railing of the upper level. The man has his back to the camera.) MICHAEL: You left it at my place. BRENNAN: Three years ago. MICHAEL: Hmm. First time I've been in Washington. I thought I should return it in person. BRENNAN: Why didn't you tell me you were coming? (The camera pans up to Michael leaning on the railing.) MICHAEL: What if you didn't take my call? You're a big important author now. BRENNAN: You can come down here, you know. MICHAEL: You could come up. (Brennan pauses, considering.) BRENNAN: Halfway. MICHAEL: As always. (The Squints walk up a distance behind Brennan and stop to watch. Michael comes down the stairs while Brennan walks toward him.) BRENNAN: I hope you don't have any expectations. MICHAEL: Do you? BRENNAN: Civility? MICHAEL: I can handle that. (Brennan is smiling, obviously happy to see him.) BRENNAN: So why are you here? MICHAEL: George Washington University wants to talk to me about heading their Anthropology Department. BRENNAN: They'd be lucky to get you. MICHAEL: I assumed they tried you first. BRENNAN: I already had a job. (Camera pans to the Squints watching Brennan and Michael.) HODGINS: This is like watching cars mate. (Camera pans between the Squints and Brennan and Michael.) ANGELA: It's gotta be Michael. Stires, her forensic anthropology professor from Northwestern. They were--- HODGINS: Very, very close? ANGELA: Mm. ZACK: Dr. Brennan is my forensic anthropology professor. Does that mean--- ANGELA and HODGINS: No. (Camera pans back to Brennan and Michael.) BRENNAN: It seems like we should have dinner tonight, catch up? MICHAEL: Sounds reasonable. (Booth yells off camera.) BOOTH: Hey Bones! Whoa! (Booth is walking behind a rusted refrigerator that's being hauled by an FBI technician.) Okay. Put it here. Easy. (Camera pans to the Squints who are walking up to the fridge.) BOOTH: Bones, I got a present for ya. Straight out of an illegal ravine on a dump in Fairfax. (Brennan and Michael walk up to the fridge.) BOOTH: You see, our forensic people confirmed it was human matter. So, rather than open it myself and risk being trashed by you for contaminating the evidence, I decided to bring the whole refrigerator to you. (Booth smiles charmingly. Camera pans over to the Squints.) HODGINS: What we need is a toaster oven. (Booth clears his throat.) BOOTH: Bones? (Brennan walks up to the fridge and sniffs around the door.) BRENNAN: The body's going to be mostly decomposed. ANGELA: Which is my cue to leave. (Angela walks away.) MICHAEL: This is where it gets fun. (Brennan steps back.) BRENNAN: All right, you can open it. BOOTH: All right. (Booth pries open the fridge door with a crow bar. Inside is the partially liquified remains of a decomposing skeleton. Booth steps back as Brennan moves closer.) BOOTH: Whoo, okay. Uh, he or she? BRENNAN: She. MICHAEL: Late teens, early 20s. BRENNAN: I'm guessing she's been in the refrigerator for a year. (Looking at Hodgins.) Is there enough insect activity to help us be more precise? HODGINS: There's always enough insect activity. BRENNAN: Remove and clean the bones, Zack. Michael, you can pick me up at 7:30. I'll give you my address. (Brennan stands up and walks away.) MICHAEL: Beautiful lab. (Michael walks away, following her.) BRENNAN: Thanks. (Booth watches them.) BOOTH: Old friend? HODGINS: Old teacher. BOOTH: Yeah. (He sighs, a bit grossed out.) They're actually going to, uh, eat dinner after seeing this? Well, I hope it's not soup. ZACK: If she was his student and I'm her student, then it follows--- HODGINS: Ain't gonna happen, Zack-o, not in this universe. (Hodgins closes the door to the refrigerator.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Brennan sitting at her desk, looking at a file. Angela walks in carrying her sketchbook.) ANGELA: Here's a sketch of the victim. Her skull was intact so it made it easy to work with. (Angela hands Brennan the sketch. She looks at it and then holds up the file she was previously looking at.) BRENNAN: I just got her dental records. Name, Maggie Schilling. Nineteen. ANGELA: Then I guess you don't need this. BRENNAN: She was a dancer. Bone markers in her metatarsals. ANGELA: God, to go from the freedom of dance to being crammed into a refrigerator. (She sighs.) I hope she was already dead when they shut the door. (Brennan looks down. Angela sits down.) ANGELA: He's hotter than you said. BRENNAN: Michael? ANGELA: Any other ex-lovers come knocking on your door today? BRENNAN: The "ex" in ex-lover is not a variable. It's a constant, like the speed of light. ANGELA: Save your dirty talk for the hunky professor. BRENNAN: I can assure you, our relationship is purely platonic. What we share is a love of science. Neither of us has the time or inclination for emotional complications. ANGELA: Sounds very reasonable. (Doesn't sound convinced.) BRENNAN: Yes. I have to get this data together for Booth. ANGELA: Sure. (She gets up to leave.) Have a good dinner tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Cut to Booth's office. Maggie's information is up on Booth's computer screen.) BOOTH: Maggie Schilling went missing 11 months ago. (He holds up a photo.) Her parents got a ransom note demanding a million dollars. Negotiations, they dragged on for, oh, a couple of weeks. Then suddenly all contact stopped. The assumption was that the kidnappers killed her. (Brennan is looking at her file.) BRENNAN: No visual physical trauma. BOOTH: Cause of death? (Brennan closes the file.) BRENNAN: Not yet, but there are stress fractures on both wrists and we have some people running chemical analysis and toxicity screens on the effluent in the refrigerator. BOOTH: Okay. You'll call me later? (Brennan smiles.) BRENNAN: I'm not working tonight. I have a dinner. (Booth looks amused.) BOOTH: What? Wow. I just assumed that the two of you would be eating off an autopsy table. BRENNAN: Not tonight. BOOTH: I was being---. Tomorrow's fine. Call me tomorrow. (Brennan leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Brennan's bed. Her and Michael are kissing. Neither has clothes on.) BRENNAN: We missed our reservation. MICHAEL: Ah, well. That's the price we pay for scientific exploration and discovery. (Michael sits up.) BRENNAN: You realize this is just recreational, Michael. MICHAEL: Of course. I'm just impressed that we can just pick up where we left off like no time has passed. BRENNAN: Well, time is an imposed construct. MICHAEL: Well, it's nice to know we can rely on physics. (Brennan laughs and moves closer to Michael. He puts his arm around her.) BRENNAN: You really think you'll move here? MICHAEL: Depends on the offer. BRENNAN: Maybe I could get you a position at the Jeffersonian. MICHAEL: Working for my old student. (He laughs.) BRENNAN: Would that be a problem? MICHAEL: Well, we're better when we're not vying for dominance in the same arena. BRENNAN: I can't help it if I'm usually right. MICHAEL: Does that mean you've closed the case on that girl in the fridge? (Brennan's mood visibly changes.) BRENNAN: I found some stress fractures on the wrist, not much else. But I will. MICHAEL: Same old confident Brennan. BRENNAN: I'm sorry, is school in session? (They kiss.) MICHAEL: Old habits die hard. (They're silent for a moment.) BRENNAN: She did fight, Michael. They kept her tied up like an animal... but she fought. That's how she got those stress fractures because she was bound and struggling. I just--- (She sighs and lays her head down on his chest.) I keep seeing her face. (Michael wraps his arms around her.) BRENNAN: You know how it is. (Michael kisses her hair.) [SCENE_BREAK] CREDITS. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the Squints working on the platform.) HODGINS: Using a refrigerator to hide a body. It's kinda perfect, isn't it? ZACK: Good way to remove a victim without being detected. Rubber gaskets seal in the odor. ANGELA: (Sarcastic.) Maybe the company should use that in their ads. ZACK: Mm-hmm. ANGELA: She's late. She's never late. HODGINS: You worried about her? ANGELA: I'm happy for her. ZACK: Why? HODGINS: Remember that time you were late? ZACK: Oh. Yeah. (Brennan walks up the platform stairs, Michael behind her.) BRENNAN: Good morning, all. (Brennan steps up to the table. Hodgins and Zack move toward the stairs as Michael comes up, blocking him. The guys stare at Michael.) ANGELA: You can take the day off. You deserve one day. BRENNAN: Michael wanted to look at our equipment. ANGELA: I'm gonna let that one go. (Hodgins and Zack continue to stare down Michael.) ANGELA: The guys wanted to meet him anyway. BRENNAN: They could learn a lot from him. HODGINS: You were Brennan's professor? (It's obvious what Hodgins is implying.) MICHAEL: She was 23. An adult. HODGINS: That's what Clinton said. ZACK: You run through a lot of students? MICHAEL: That was a long time ago and Tempe was very advanced. More colleague than student. (Zack looks over at Brennan who is working with the skeleton.) ZACK: I'm a pretty advanced student. MICHAEL: No offense, but I'm not interested. (Michael pushes between Hodgins and Zack.) ZACK: No, uh, I meant me and her. HODGINS: Oh, burn. (He laughs and hits Zack on the arm.) (Zack and Hodgins go back to the table.) BRENNAN: What have you found? ZACK: X-rays reveal low bone density and the parathyroid hormone levels are also low. (Zack passes Brennan an envelope containing x-rays. She takes them out and looks at them.) ZACK: There is a medical condition called hyperparathyroidism. BRENNAN: Symptoms include muscle weakness, brittle bones. Yeah, I know. MICHAEL: You may be premature with your struggle theory. BRENNAN: (A little offended.) I doubt that. MICHAEL: You mean you don't want to be doubted. (Angela and Hodgins exchange looks.) BRENNAN: I can take it. MICHAEL: The wrist fractures could've resulted from her medical condition. BRENNAN: Unlikely. However--- MICHAEL: Or been an unrelated cause of nontraumatic fissures. (The Squints all notice the tension.) BRENNAN: Nontraumatic? Look at these. MICHAEL: It's something to consider. The last thing you want to do is jump to conclusions without evidence. I mean, I know how much you want to find out who did this. HODGINS: This seems like an appropriate moment to discuss human goop. (Brennan looks annoyed with Michael.) HODGINS: Chemical analysis of the liver and kidney tissues reveal significant evidence of the narcotic hydromorphone. BRENNAN: Hydromorphone? MICHAEL: Also known as hospital heroin. BRENNAN: In what kind of concentration? HODGINS: Given her probable size and weight, it's fatal. ANGELA: Where did you go to dinner last night? BRENNAN: We wound up staying in. We need to know if that amount was accrued over time or delivered in one large dose. ANGELA: You didn't come back to the lab, did you? MICHAEL: I made frittata. (Hodgins looks annoyed.) ANGELA: Oh, wow. He cooks too. Can we share him? BRENNAN: We also need to know if the hydromorphone was administered intravenously or orally. MICHAEL: I should get going. I'm meeting with the board at the university. Call you after my appointment. It was nice meeting you all. (Michael leaves. The Squints all stand on the other side of the table and look at Brennan.) BRENNAN: What? Is it so odd for everyone to see me with a man? (The Squints all nod.) BRENNAN: (To Hodgins.) Print out the levels of hydromorphone you found in her system. (She turns to Zack.) I want you to find the overload point that would cause the stress fractures in her wrist and examine the left ilium. There seems to be some kind of degeneration on the edge. (Brennan walks away. The Squints look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to exterior shot of the Schilling house.) MRS. SCHILLING: I know it sounds terrible, but I hoped that she had just run away. That way I could believe she was still alive. MR. SCHILLING: She started turning against us in high school. Did a lot of drugs. We tried to help her. Sent her to rehab, therapy. BOOTH: Kids have a lot to contend with these days. MRS. SCHILLING: We didn't help her, not really. We had nannies to raise her because we were so busy and we sent her to shrinks when she had problems instead of talking to her. BOOTH: You can't blame yourself. BRENNAN: Environment plays a huge role in development. (Everyone is silent. Booth clears his throat.) BRENNAN: I'd like some pictures of Maggie so I can compare them with her remains. Pictures of her dancing would be most helpful or swimming. (Mrs. Schilling picks up a scrapbook and begins to look for pictures.) MRS. SCHILLING: How do you know she danced and swam? BRENNAN: Some things can't be erased from the body. BOOTH: I'm sorry, but I need to ask you about your daughter's drug problems. Do you know what she was using? MR. SCHILLING: Alcohol, ecstasy, marijuana. BOOTH: What about the narcotic hydromorphone? Hospital heroin? MRS. SCHILLING: Doesn't sound familiar. BRENNAN: She had a thyroid condition. Was anything prescribed for that? MR. SCHILLING: Her endocrinologist might know. (Mrs. Schilling hands Brennan some pictures. Brennan looks through them.) MRS. SCHILLING: We have to find who did this to Maggie. We have to do this for her. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the office of Nicholas Skinner, M.D., Maggie's endocrinologist.) DR. SKINNER: Maggie's condition didn't respond to medication. I was trying to get her to agree to surgery when she disappeared. BRENNAN: What types of medication are we talking about? DR. SKINNER: Furosemide, pamidronate. I tried various calcitonins. BOOTH: What about hydromorphone? (Dr. Skinner shakes his head.) DR. SKINNER: There are no pain issues associated with hyperparathyroidism but I knew Maggie had a drug problem. She was definitely interested in getting some opiates from me. She bribed my office manager for samples. BOOTH: I'm gonna need your office manager's home address. DR. SKINNER: Ex-office manager. She's gonna be what you call a disgruntled employee. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the Costello home. Mary and Scott are standing in the living room while Booth and Brennan look around.) MARY: I didn't give Maggie those samples. She boosted them herself. Barragan just blamed me so he's have an excuse to fire me. BOOTH: Why did he fire you? MARY: Because he's a horn-dog. I tried to keep things professional. You know what I mean? BRENNAN: Dr. Barragan said that you were closer to Maggie Schilling than any other patient. MARY: Did you meet her parents? BRENNAN: Yes. MARY: Then you know the poor girl was pretty much on her own. We took her in. BRENNAN: He said that you went out together, that you took her to clubs. SCOTT: We just felt sorry for her, you know? (Booth walks into the kitchen and looks around.) SCOTT: She was lonely so we showed her a good time, right? (Booth approaches the refrigerator.) MARY: One weekend we took her on a road trip. SCOTT: Yeah, the three of us ended up in Atlantic City. Totally crazy--- BRENNAN: Atlantic City doesn't seem an appropriate--- (Booth pushes against the refrigerator.) MARY: It's not like we planned it--- (There are marks on the floor of the kitchen from an old refrigerator.) MARY: Pills, vodka, weed. SCOTT: Mary wanted Maggie to go to meetings. You know? A.A. (Booth walks back into the living room.) BOOTH: That's very kind of you. Let's talk about your new refrigerator. MARY: (Scoffing.) Why? BOOTH: Mainly I'd like to know what happened to your old one, huh? (Mary looks concerned.) [SCENE_BREAK] (FBI agents are milling around, carrying out boxes, taking pictures. Booth joins Brennan in the living room.) BOOTH: Well, the fridge we found Maggie in is a match with the marks on the Costellos" floor. BRENNAN: They're sadomasochistic fetishists. BOOTH: Yeah. (Booth picks up a box.) Turned the basement into a fun room. (Brennan reaches into the box.) BRENNAN: Seeking sexual gratification through the manipulation of power. (She pulls out a spiked collar and gives it an odd look.) Probably the oldest of fetishes, master-slave. It's all about dominance. (She drops the collar back into the box.) BOOTH: Well, this only comes up when the bloom comes off the rose, if you know what I mean. BRENNAN: I don't know what you mean. BOOTH: You know, when the regular stuff--- when it gets old, you need to spice it up, it's over. When s*x is good, you don't need any help. BRENNAN: Oh, that's for sure. (She grins.) BOOTH: I'm sorry? BRENNAN: I was agreeing. BOOTH: Yeah? Well, don't. Okay? It kinda freaks me out. BRENNAN: I was just saying that I myself feel no inclination toward either pain or dominance when it comes to s*x. BOOTH: Are you sure? BRENNAN: Yeah, I'm sure. BOOTH: Because you can be very bossy. (Booth turns away. Brennan hits his arm with a whip. Booth pulls out a pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs from a box and holds them up.) BOOTH: Look at him, huh? Whoo! Look at him. All smiley. (Officers are leading Mary and Scott out in handcuffs.) BOOTH: I bet he just loves these things. (Booth turns toward Brennan. Brennan takes the handcuffs from him.) BRENNAN: These could explain the stress fractures. (She opens the handcuffs.) Her bones were brittle from the disease. Struggling would cause the cracks we saw. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to an interrogation room. Mary and her lawyer, Mr. Meredith, are sitting, Booth and Brennan are standing.) BRENNAN: The handcuffs are consistent with the injuries to Maggie Schilling's wrists. MARY: Maybe she wanted to be cuffed. Did you ever think about that? BOOTH: Here's what I was thinking. Female, dominant, strapped for cash, meets wealthy teenager on the outs with her parents. Convinces her submissive husband to hold her for ransom. MEREDITH: Any proof or is this story time? BOOTH: You feed her pills to keep her quiet, and negotiations--- they drag on. So she dies of an overdose before an exchange can be made. You seal her up in a refrigerator, dump her in a ravine, and you and your honey go back to playing "Tie Me Up" in the basement. (Mary shakes her head.) MEREDITH: Maggie Schilling was legally an adult. We don't deny she was in the house, even cuffed. We don't deny there was a perfectly legal sexual relationship which, by its nature, got rough, but Maggie was a willing participant. MARY: And enthusiastic. MEREDITH: You have no evidence my clients killed her. BOOTH: It's weird for you, huh? Being the one that's all locked up. (Mary leans forward on the table and gets in Booth's personal space.) MARY: The way you come at me... are you threatened or do I turn you on? BOOTH: Now, I'm the one who's hating psychology. (Booth and Brennan share a look.) MEREDITH: If you don't have anything but those cuffs, my clients will be out of here in 24 hours. (Mary smirks while Booth and Brennan look concerned.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Brennan and Michael walking through the lab.) BRENNAN: I figured it out. I was right about how she got those fractures. MICHAEL: I just don't have the time, Tempe. I have an appointment. BRENNAN: I thought you'd want to see. The university can wait a few minutes. MICHAEL: It's not with them. It's with someone they want me to meet. And if we start debating evidence, I'll definitely be late. BRENNAN: Trust me, there's nothing to debate. I can prove that Maggie Schilling was bound in fur-covered handcuffs. We found strands of matching fur embedded in her wrists and the scaphoid and the lunate. MICHAEL: But you can't prove that she was involuntarily restrained. BRENNAN: Oh, yes, I can. MICHAEL: It's not a competition. BRENNAN: No, The Olympics are a competition. Ours is a struggle to the death. MICHAEL: Want to bet dinner? (Michael holds out his hand. Brennan considers it.) BRENNAN: Yes. If we make it to a restaurant. (Brennan shakes his hand. Michael laughs.) MICHAEL: Bet's on. You got 10 minutes. BRENNAN: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the platform. Maggie's remains are spread out on a table. Booth and Michael are standing beside each other.) BRENNAN: Pull up the frontal and lateral view of the victim's lower fibulas. BOOTH: You trained her well, Doc. MICHAEL: She's brilliant. Little cocky, though. Booth: (Laughs.) Yeah. Tell me about it. (Brennan and Zack are working on the computer.) ZACK: Here's the left. BOOTH: Pretty good partner though. ZACK: Here's the right. BOOTH: What you see is what you get. That's a rare quality. That's just between us, isn't it? BRENNAN: Michael? (Zack swivels his chair around to face the other men.) ZACK: Dr. Brennan found marks on the medial malleoli, both left and right. BRENNAN: Her legs were bound. ZACK: Mirror erosion patterns from the bones rubbing together over time. BOOTH: If this were the result of s*x games, then the legs, they wouldn't be bound together. (Michael looks back at Booth.) BOOTH: Well, come on, you know? Looking for a little nooky, the last thing you'd tie together are the legs. (Michael looks back to Brennan and shrugs.) MICHAEL: I'm not convinced. Brittle bones from her thyroid condition. The damage could've happened in a very short time. (Brennan walks over to the table and points at the bones.) BRENNAN: We also found evidence of inflammation on her right humerus and ilium. ZACK: The bone abnormalities indicated pathosis from lying in one position for a long time. BRENNAN: The only reasonable explanation is long-term bondage. MICHAEL: Decreased bone density could've caused the inflammation. This isn't definitive. (Brennan and Booth, in the background, look annoyed.) MICHAEL: I hear there's a nice little French place near here I'd like to try. BRENNAN: I still have five minutes. (Brennan walks off the platform and Michael follows her.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Angela's office. Michael, Brennan, Booth, and Angela are standing around The Angelator which is showing a girl lying on her side. Michael is amazed.) MICHAEL: My department's still working with Polaroids. BRENNAN: So what do you think? MICHAEL: Very impressive. Especially to the nonprofessional. ANGELA: You want science? Give me the estimated time of captivity. BRENNAN: Approximately three weeks. (Angela makes a few adjustments. The girl turns into a skeleton and certain areas are highlighted.) ANGELA: Okay, here are your affected areas. Now during an advanced time simulation--- (The two highlighted areas, one near the hips and the other near the ribs and arms, are brought into focus. The bones begin to deteriorate. Booth steps up behind Brennan.) BOOTH: You're winning, right? (Brennan nods. Michael doesn't look happy.) MICHAEL: Can I see your findings? (Brennan hands him some papers and he flips through them. Angela shuts down The Angelator.) MICHAEL: This appears to be indisputable. BRENNAN: The narcotic found in her system was not the result of recreational drug abuse. ANGELA: The inflammation would've been very painful and the pain would've increased over time. BRENNAN: They kept upping the dose of hydromorphone until they gave her too much and she died. Those people bound and killed that girl. MICHAEL: (He sighs.) I yield. French restaurant? BRENNAN: I'm more in the mood for Italian. I need to put together the evidence packet for Booth to deliver to the U.S. Attorney. MICHAEL: I'll meet you are your place. (Michael hands back Brennan her papers and walks off, obviously not happy. Brennan smiles and Booth holds out his fist.) BOOTH: Good work. (Brennan just looks at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Angela and Brennan in the lounge.) ANGELA: Do you really think he can handle your success? BRENNAN: Because of today? No, we've always been competitive. ANGELA: I know, but he's a man and his student, a woman, has surpassed him. BRENNAN: Michael is extremely secure, Ange. ANGELA: Honey, when you stuck it to him today, he was upset. BRENNAN: It was a healthy debate between scientists. You don't know Michael. ANGELA: I know men. And I know what happens when two people start sleeping together. (Brennan is starting to get defensive.) BRENNAN: It's not like that. We're friends, colleagues, that's all. ANGELA: Colleagues with benefits. BRENNAN: I don't know what that means, but Michael and I are not involved. I'm sorry if that's difficult for you to understand but what we have isn't traditional. ANGELA: Don't talk to me about traditional. Okay? I've dated circus people. You and Michael, you have something, and that's okay. That's good, even. Just be honest about it. BOOTH: Bones? (Booth walks up to the lounge.) BOOTH: The judge is holding them without bail. The U.S. Attorney is thinking about sending you flowers. BRENNAN: The facts are facts. (Booth looks uncomfortable.) BOOTH: Uh, Bones, I have to ask. How much have you been sharing with, uh, the professor? BRENNAN: None of your business. BOOTH: I mean, on the case. BRENNAN: Oh. I bounce everything off him. Why? BOOTH: Well, you gotta keep him out of it from now on. BRENNAN: Out of it? Why? BOOTH: Well, you know that appointment he had today? BRENNAN: Yeah. (Booth looks really uncomfortable.) BOOTH: He met with the Costello's lawyer. Michael is their expert witness. (Brennan is shocked.) BOOTH: It's his job to tear apart the case that you've built. (Angela sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to a fancy restaurant. Brennan and Michael are arguing.) BRENNAN: How could I not be upset? Basically, you were spying on me. MICHAEL: Spying? It's a criminal proceeding. You're required by law to disclose all your findings to the defense anyway. BRENNAN: I'm only required to provide you with the raw facts we intend to enter into evidence, not the process by which I arrived at those facts. MICHAEL: I apologize. That's a nuance that escaped me. BRENNAN: Why didn't you just tell me, Michael? MICHAEL: Because the defense isn't required to tell the prosecution anything. In fact, it's grounds for a mistrial. Look, I've never done this before. You're the teacher in this situation. I'm the student. BRENNAN: A little competitive. MICHAEL: Part of the job at the university is to be an expert witness and yes, I would like to do that job at least as well as you, but if you feel I've overstepped some boundary here, I'll back out of the case. (Brennan pauses, considering it.) BRENNAN: No. But if you stay on, you have to move back to the hotel. MICHAEL: Really? BRENNAN: Yes. (Michael laughs.) MICHAEL: Well, would I have to do it tonight or should I order another bottle of wine? (Brennan again pauses, weighing the options.) BRENNAN: I suppose tomorrow would be soon enough. MICHAEL: I apologize, Tempe. (They kiss.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the lab. Michael is examining the bones while everyone watches.) BOOTH: He still at it? (Angela looks bored.) ANGELA: Yep. And it is fascinating. BOOTH: Keep an eye on him. GOODMAN: That's not going to be a problem. (Goodman nods to Hodgins and Zack. Zack is videotaping Michael. They nod back.) (Michael continues to examine the bones as Brennan watches him.) (Booth gives Hodgins and Zack a thumbs-up. They return the gesture.) ANGELA: Did you just give Zack and Hodgins a sign of encouragement? BOOTH: Yeah, you know, that's the first time I've been able to look at them with imagining Moe knocking their heads together. (Angela and Goodman are amused.) GOODMAN: Agent Booth, you're accessing your inner squint. (Booth looks somewhat concerned.) MICHAEL: Tempe, you listed an evulsion fracture on the right femur. It looks minor. Do you consider this evidence? BOOTH: Dr. Brennan's conclusions belong to the prosecution. MICHAEL: I have no interest in destroying your case, Agent Booth. I'm just trying to get a sense of-- GOODMAN: Of her interpretations of data, to which you are not privy, Dr. Stires. BRENNAN: I understand the game the doctor is trying to play and I'm perfectly capable of dealing with him myself. I'm sure he's just thrown by findings he would have missed. GOODMAN: This is not about you and Dr. Stires. This is about the Jeffersonian's reputation as a source of expert witnesses. MICHAEL: Okay, I'm--- I'm on my own. Oh, in the interest of fairness, I am willing to share my thoughts with you. (Michael hands her the papers he'd been taking notes on.) MICHAEL: I red-penciled a few things. BRENNAN: You corrected my findings? MICHAEL: Consider it an opposing opinion. (Brennan's not happy.) BRENNAN: My findings are based on facts, Michael, not opinions. GOODMAN: You seem to have finished your allotted time with the remains, Dr. Stires. I'd like my people to get back to work. MICHAEL: Thank you. (Michael smiles at Brennan and she smiles tightly back, obviously displeased.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth and Brennan walking through the lab to her office.) BOOTH: Bones, you okay? BRENNAN: Why wouldn't I be? BOOTH: Because the nutty professor's grading your paper. What'd he give you anyway, huh? I was always happy with a B. BRENNAN: I never got a B and I never will. (Brennan continues walking to her office. Booth stops.) BOOTH: That's my girl. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth's office.) BOOTH: This is the U.S. Attorney Levitt, jury consultant Joy Deaver. Dr. Temperance Brennan. LEVITT: Nice to meet you. (They all shake hands.) LEVITT: I looked over your findings and I think we're in good shape. BRENNAN: Thank you. I--- DEAVER: But juries don't like you. BRENNAN: Excuse me? DEAVER: I've seen you testify before, Dr. Brennan. You come off cold and aloof. I want to make sure--- BRENNAN: Cold and aloof? DEAVER: Try not interrupting. It makes you sound arrogant. Also, don't front-load your testimony with technical crap. BOOTH: This really is not the best approach. BRENNAN: I'm a technical witness. I have testified in over 30 trials. DEAVER: But most of the experts you've come up against are as dry and boring as you are. Now I don't know if you've seen their expert--- BOOTH: She's seen him, Miss Deaver. DEAVER: Well, then you understand my concern. Professor Stires is open, charming, great-looking. Jury's gonna love him. I love him. (Brennan can't believe what Deaver is saying.) BRENNAN: This isn't a personality contest. It's about data that we present to the jury. DEAVER: You're kidding, right? BRENNAN: No. DEAVER: The women on the jury aren't going to be listening to a work that comes out of his mouth. They're going to be undressing him. I don't want the men on the jury to be putting more clothes on you. Wear something blue. It suggests truth. Make eye contact with the jury and lose the clunky necklace. BRENNAN: Mary and Scott Costello murdered Maggie Schilling. The forensics data I've compiled proves that. That should be enough. DEAVER: But it isn't enough. BOOTH: Okay, that's--- that's great. We'll, uh, take that under consideration. Thanks. (Levitt and Deaver leave. Brennan isn't happy.) BRENNAN: Why didn't she say anything about you? You can be very irritating sometimes. BOOTH: Bones, she's an expert, just like you. She has an obvious personality disorder, but she wants to help. Just try? BRENNAN: Okay, sure. BOOTH: Good. BRENNAN: I can do it. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the United States District Court for the District of Columbia. The Costello's are sitting with their lawyer. Stires is sitting behind them. Brennan is sitting behind the prosecution. They smile at each other. Maggie's parents are behind Brennan, the Squints behind them. Levitt begins his opening argument.) LEVITT: We will show that Mary Costello lured Maggie Schilling into her home with the promise of drugs. (The camera pans to show Meredith.) MEREDITH: She was not held against her will. She was, in fact, orchestrating the plot to extort money from her own parents from whom she was estranged. (Back to Levitt.) LEVITT: They bound her for weeks, the pain growing and to keep her quiet, they pumped her full of drugs. MEREDITH: Her death was the result of a self-administered overdose. LEVITT: After killing their captive and ruining their chances of collecting a ransom, the Costello's stuff Miss Schilling's body into the refrigerator. MEREDITH: Knowing they could be accused of kidnapping and murder, my clients panicked and disposed of her body. While their behavior might be ill-advised, they are neither kidnappers nor murderers. (The camera pans to the jury as Booth testifies.) BOOTH: Pharmaceutical samples of hydromorphone were found in the Costello's belongings. The lot numbers match those that were in Dr. Barragan's office. (The camera pans to the Costello's.) BOOTH: When I went to the Costello's kitchen, I saw the marks from the old refrigerator on the floor. It was like these marks, they screamed at me, "These people, they did it." MEREDITH: Objection. JUDGE: Sustained. Just the facts, Agent Booth. (Booth doesn't really look sorry.) BOOTH: I'm sorry. It's just that the receipt for the new refrigerator was dated two days after the negotiations broke off with the kidnappers. I mean, you figure it out. (Meredith stands to make an objection.) BOOTH: I know. I'm sorry. (The camera pans back to the Costello's as Meredith begins his cross-examination.) MEREDITH: Any evidence Maggie Schilling wasn't a willing participant in sexual activity involving those cuffs and other paraphernalia? BOOTH: Well, winding up in the fridge kinda tells me that she really wasn't that into it. (The jury laughs.) MEREDITH: Your Honor? BOOTH: No direct evidence. MEREDITH: Any evidence my clients forced Miss Schilling to take that narcotic? BOOTH: I'll leave those answers for the experts. (The camera pans to Bones as Booth nods at her, then pans back to the stand as Hodgins testifies.) HODGINS: Sciarids, also known as dark-winged fungus knats, went through several life cycles. Also present were Acaridae and Anoetidae, but the most interesting find was not a bug at all, but was common bread mold. All this data led to the same conclusion: Maggie Schilling was in that refrigerator between 10 and 12 months. (The camera pans back to Zack watching as Angela testifies.) ANGELA: Even though we already had medical records and dental records from which to identify Maggie Schilling, I was also asked to do a sketch based on the architecture of her skull. That's sort of what I do. (Angela holds up the sketch of Maggie for the jury members to see.) ANGELA: Turned out pretty accurate, if I do say so myself. (The camera pans to the jury members, then to Maggie's parents.) ANGELA: She was a pretty girl. That's why I drew her smiling. (The camera pans to Booth and the jury consultant, then back to Angela.) ANGELA: It--- it just seemed right. (The camera pans to Bones.) ANGELA: I'm really sorry for what happened to her, and I hope my work helps you. (The camera pans to Booth as Brennan testifies. He looks concerned.) BRENNAN: The gelatinous puddle was decomposed tissue from which our labs extracted and analyzed liver and kidney samples by mass spectrometer. (The jury looks restless and bored.) BRENNAN: The hydromorphone level in her liver was 8.4 and 6.6 in her kidney. Death occurs at 7.7 and 5.2, respectively. (Booth looks even more concerned and Deaver looks unhappy.) LEVITT: And the reason they would be giving the victim this narcotic? BRENNAN: Short-term periosteal reaction on the right proximal lateral humerus was consistent with a bound individual. (The camera pans to Michael. He knows what's happening with Brennan's speech.) LEVITT: So to rephrase--- BRENNAN: And the placement of wrist restraints coupled with her hyperparathyroidism would account for the stress fractures on the distal anterior surface of both the radii and the ulni. LEVITT: Her bones broke because she was struggling to free herself. BRENNAN: Yeah, I believe I just said that. (The jury looks relieved at the prospect of Brennan's testimony being over.) LEVITT: Thank you, Doctor. That'll be all for now. I'd like to more for a recess with the right to recall the witness, Your Honor. (The judge looks less-than-thrilled.) JUDGE: Okay. We'll meet back here in 30 minutes. (The judge bangs her gravel.) DEAVER: She can't connect. Those killers are gonna walk. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth and Brennan walking outside the courtroom.) BRENNAN: It was well-reasoned. BOOTH: Yeah, it was... very scientific. (Deaver and Levitt walk up to them.) DEAVER: You didn't listen to a thing I said. You were like Klaatu the robot up there. Would it have killed you to speak English? BRENNAN: I wore blue. I looked at the jury. BOOTH: You know, for a people person, you're a little rude. BRENNAN: Well, at what point did the facts stop working for you? DEAVER: I have no problem with the facts as long as the jury can understand them. BRENNAN: Well, you're underestimating their intelligence. DEAVER: You're overestimating their ability to stay awake. When these S&M perverts walk on this, it'll be on your head. (Deaver and Levitt walk away. Brennan turns to Booth, angry.) BRENNAN: Can you believe that? (Booth doesn't say anything.) BRENNAN: What? You agree with her? BOOTH: Well, not entirely. BRENNAN: "Not entirely." So that means partly. Well, I was perfectly clear. Didn't you think I was clear? BOOTH: Sometimes. And, um... sometimes you were... a little hard to follow. BRENNAN: What are you talking about? When? BOOTH: When you were talking. Listen, Bones, I know you care about this case, but I think you should let them see that. BRENNAN: So, I should perform? BOOTH: Just a little bit, yeah. I mean, do you see how I portrayed myself as a no-nonsense, tough-guy cop? BRENNAN: You are a no-nonsense, tough-guy cop. BOOTH: Exactly! And I think that it wouldn't hurt if the jury saw who you really are. BRENNAN: Well, I don't know who you think that is, Booth, because this is who I really am. Just this. (Booth groans as Brennan walks away, running into Michael.) BRENNAN: God. Sorry. MICHAEL: I'm okay. Are you? (Brennan sighs.) BRENNAN: Sure. (She pauses.) Well, truthfully, this whole thing is pretty awkward. Don't you think? MICHAEL: We're just doing our job. You'll be fine. BRENNAN: It's just, they have this jury consultant. They want to turn this into a melodrama. They don't understand what a scientist is. MICHAEL: Tempe, we're not allowed to talk about the case. BRENNAN: I know, I'm just saying--- MICHAEL: My guy's gonna freak if he sees us talking. BRENNAN: Sure. Sorry. (Michael walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the courtroom. Michael is testifying.) MICHAEL: In my opinion, the high levels of hydromorphone are more consistent with recreational use than for pain relief. MEREDITH: Could you explain? MICHAEL: Well, I might not use all the technical language, but I'll try to make myself understood. (The jury looks relieved and laughs.) LEVITT: Objection, Your Honor. The witness is impugning another witness. JUDGE: Sustained. Continue. MICHAEL: I'm sorry. I, um, I don't do this professionally. People who need to relieve physical pain will stop after the pain disappears. It doesn't take more than an average dose to accomplish that. Drug users are trying to bury emotional pain, which means they'll medicate until they feel nothing. (The jury seems to be understanding everything he's saying.) MICHAEL: This is why they have a tendency to overdose like Maggie Schilling. (Brennan leans forward toward Levitt.) BRENNAN: That's not accurate. Sometimes intense chronic pain does not respond to medication. LEVITT: I'll bring it up in cross-examination. MEREDITH: What about Dr. Brennan's claim that her pain was somehow connected to the victim being bound for a length of time? MICHAEL: Well, the Costello's have already stipulated to the fact that they bound Miss Schilling as part of their rather unorthodox sexual life, and Dr. Brennan agrees that Miss Schilling had hyperpara--- well, if I can simplify, a thyroid condition that could weaken her bones. No need to look for bondage scenarios. (Brennan leans toward Booth.) BRENNAN: That's ridiculous. He's ignoring all the facts. MICHAEL: With respect to my former student, Dr. Brennan, with findings like these, I don't know why she became a forensic anthropologist. She seems to have ignored all but her preconceived notions about the case. (Brennan is hurt.) LEVITT: Objection. JUDGE: Sustained. MICHAEL: I apologize. MEREDITH: Do you disagree with Dr. Brennan's data? MICHAEL: Well, sometimes doctors can use data to confuse a very simple situation. I mean, I'm a doctor and I could hardly follow her. (The jury laughs.) MICHAEL: This case is about people. Not incomprehensible technical jargon. I don't think that these people should be convicted of murder just because Dr. Brennan sounds smart. LEVITT: Your Honor, really? JUDGE: The jury will disregard Professor Stires's personal view of Dr. Brennan. Court will adjourn until 9:00 a.m. tomorrow. (The judge bangs her gravel and people start to move around.) BOOTH: Don't worry about a thing, okay? (Brennan still looks worried and hurt.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth, Brennan, Levitt, and Deaver outside the courtroom.) BRENNAN: He wasn't acting as an objective expert. He was making up a story. LEVITT: The judge chastised him in front on the jury. That'll work for us. DEAVER: The hell it will. The jury loved Stires. He looks like a regular guy who's not allowed to speak the truth because the stupid rules get in the way. BRENNAN: The rules of jurisprudence aren't stupid. DEAVER: Dr. Brennan, you need to learn the difference between reality and perception. A trial is all about perception. BRENNAN: Wow. You're the reason civilization is declining. DEAVER: Talk to her. BOOTH: I kind of agree with her. (Deaver gives Booth an annoyed look and walks off.) BRENNAN: Thanks. BOOTH: I really don't agree with you, I just--- I don't like her. (Brennan turns to Levitt.) BRENNAN: Put me back on the stand. I can rebut everything that Michael said. BOOTH: She can do this. LEVITT: I'll think about it. (Levitt sighs and walks away.) BRENNAN: I've never been in this position before, Booth. I need to get back up there. BOOTH: All right. Just let me talk to him. (Booth follows after Levitt.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Brennan sitting on her couch. Goodman walks in.) GOODMAN: Trial going badly? (Brennan's studying the casefile.) GOODMAN: You don't usually cram at the last minute. BRENNAN: The jury likes Michael better than they like me. Apparently, that's a problem. Are they stupid? (Goodman takes a seat across from her.) GOODMAN: Compared to you, yes, they are stupid. However, compared to you, most of the world is a little stupid. (Brennan doesn't seem to find much comfort in that.) GOODMAN: You have many skills, Temperance. Not one of them includes communicating with the average person on the street which is exactly what juries are made of. BRENNAN: I'm a better forensic anthropologist that Michael Stires. GOODMAN: Which is why two years ago I hired you instead of him. BRENNAN: Michael applied for this job? GOODMAN: Yes. BRENNAN: His credentials are better than mine. GOODMAN: Yes. But you are the more rational, reasoned, empirical scientist. And you care. And if he tries to convince you otherwise, tell him to go to hell. (Goodman leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to The hallway outside the courtroom. Brennan is studying the casefile. Michael walks up to her.) MICHAEL: Is it safe to approach, Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: Don't charm, Michael. MICHAEL: I think you're taking this too personally. BRENNAN: You think I should be more rational? MICHAEL: Yes. BRENNAN: Go to hell. MICHAEL: Look. You're not the only one with a jury consultant. The difference is I listened to mine. He told me to create reasonable doubt. That's what I did. BRENNAN: This one isn't about winning a pasta dinner or showing up your former student. It's about putting two people away who murdered a 19-year-old girl. MICHAEL: Tempe, you can't personalize the work. BRENNAN: Do you remember in Central America standing in a mass grave being guarded by soldiers? We knew that they were probably the same soldiers who had killed the people we were digging up. I was just a student. I was scared. I turned to you and I asked, "What do we do?" MICHAEL: That was a different place and a radically different context. BRENNAN: You said, "We tell the truth. We do not flinch." You flinched, Michael. (Brennan walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth, Levitt, and Deaver talking in the courtroom.) LEVITT: I can't ask her that. The whole line of questioning isn't relevant. BOOTH: He brought it up during his testimony, so, legally, you can reintroduce it. LEVITT: I don't see how it's gonna change anything. BOOTH: Trust me, it will. (Brennan walks in.) BRENNAN: Am I testifying? (Levitt looks at Booth.) (The camera cuts to a poster showing various pictures.) BRENNAN: Only a prolonged struggle, not sexual activity, would cause the tearing on the medial head of the gastrocnemius muscle on the distal portion of the bone and--- LEVITT: So in lay terms? BRENNAN: The muscle avulsed. LEVITT: She pulled a muscle. BRENNAN: Because she was immobilized. LEVITT: Tied up. BRENNAN: Yes. These conditions have to be contextualized. The inflammation--- (Brennan's voice fades out as the jury grows more and more bored and restless.) (Levitt looks to Booth. Booth nods.) LEVITT: Dr. Brennan, why did you become a forensic anthropologist? BRENNAN: I beg your pardon? LEVITT: There must be some reason you chose this field out of the hundreds of other careers someone of your intelligence could've chosen. Was there some emotional reason perhaps? MEREDITH: Objection. Relevance, Your Honor? BRENNAN: I don't see how this pertains to the case. LEVITT: Dr. Brennan is cold, distant, and alienating, Your Honor. BRENNAN: Hey! LEVITT: I need the jury to understand why she's so cold. So that they might be willing to accept her testimony. MEREDITH: Her personality issues are not relevant to this case. LEVITT: They opened up this line of questioning, Your Honor. When Dr. Stires was on the stand, he wondered why Dr. Brennan became a forensic anthropologist. So the defense must've thought it had some relevance then. JUDGE: Sorry, Mr. Meredith. You did raise the issue. Overruled. You may continue, Mr. Levitt. LEVITT: Dr. Brennan, your parents disappeared when you were 15 and no one's ever found out what happened to them. Isn't that correct? (Brennan looks at Booth. He looks right back.) JUDGE: Please. Answer the question, Dr. Brennan. (She hesitates.) BRENNAN: That's correct. LEVITT: It must be very painful. Is it fair to say that you've been trying to solve the mystery of their loss your whole life? BRENNAN: Do I want answers? Yes. As how that has affected my behavior, which, I assume, is what you're trolling for, I don't put much stock in psychology. LEVITT: Is that why you wrap yourself up in techno-speak, so you don't have to feel how these victims remind you of your own parents? BRENNAN: How I feel doesn't matter. My job doesn't depend on it. LEVITT: But it's informed by it. Or are you as cold and unfeeling as you seem? (Brennan doesn't know how to answer. The camera pans to Booth, to the jury, to Maggie's parents, to Brennan, to Angela, to Levitt, then finally back to Brennan.) BRENNAN: I see a face on every skull. I can look at their bones and tell you how they walked, where they hurt. Maggie Schilling is real to me. The pain she suffered was real. Her hip was being eaten away by infection from lying on her side. Sure, like Dr. Stires said, the disease could contribute to that if you take it out of context, but you can't break Maggie Schilling down into little pieces. (The camera pans out to the jury, then back to Brennan.) BRENNAN: She was a whole person who fought to free herself. Her wrists were broken from struggling against the handcuffs. The bones in her ankles were ground together because her feet were tied. And her side, her hip, and her shoulder were being eaten away by infection. (The camera pans out to Maggie's parents, then back.) BRENNAN: And the more she struggled, the more pain she was in. So they gave her those drugs to keep her quiet. They gave her so much, it killed her. These facts can't be ignored or dismissed because you think I'm (Brennan laughs dryly) boring or obnoxious, because I don't matter. What I feel doesn't matter. Only she matters. Only Maggie. (Brennan looks at Michael, who looks down.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Brennan quickly leaving the courtroom, Michael chasing after her.) MICHAEL: Tempe. Tempe! Tempe, I'm sorry. What can I do? (Brennan looks at him for a few moments, then turns and begins to walk away. Booth catches up to them and follows her.) BOOTH: Bones! The Costello's are trying to cop a plea to a charge that won't mean the death penalty. They know they're going down. BRENNAN: You had no right. There are things that are private. BOOTH: Yeah. Maybe you're right, but you know what? This was my case too. All right? So nothing personal? (She just stares at him as he walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Brennan in her office. She's looking at a picture of her and Michael when Angela walks in.) ANGELA: Guilty on all counts. BRENNAN: Yeah. ANGELA: So he owes you another dinner, huh? BRENNAN: No. I won't be seeing him anymore. ANGELA: Sorry. BRENNAN: I was foolish to be so open with him. It was irrational. You know how you get when you're tired. ANGELA: Yeah. You wanna go out? Grab a drink? BRENNAN: Um, I think I just want to work. ANGELA: Okay. (Angela leaves as Booth walks in.) BOOTH: Hey, Bones. BRENNAN: What is it? I'm not feeling very forgiving. BOOTH: Yeah, I know, but, uh, we have a case. (Brennan looks at him for a bit, then grabs her stuff.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth and Brennan on the Washington Memorial. Brennan's examining a burnt corpse.) BRENNAN: Victim is an adult male, 35 to 40 years old. From the pattern of the burning, I'd say an accelerant was used. Could you hand me my bag? BOOTH: Yeah, sure. Listen, do you want my coat or something? It's cold up here. BRENNAN: If I did, I'd ask for it. BOOTH: Yeah. Sorry. And, um, I'm sorry. BRENNAN: You had something to accomplish. You found a logical way of getting what you needed. Probably would've done the same thing. (Booth begins to smile as he hands Brennan a tool.) END.

Plan: A: Jeffersonian; Q: Where does Brennan work? A: a job; Q: What is Dr. Stires in town to interview for? A: Booth; Q: Who discovers the old ransom note? A: a soiled refrigerator; Q: What does Booth wheel into the lab? A: a young woman; Q: Who was found in the refrigerator? A: the girl's parents; Q: Who received a ransom note? A: the supposed kidnapping; Q: What was a hoax? A: the case; Q: What does Booth make an arrest in? A: an expert witness; Q: What is Bones called in as? A: the defense; Q: Who brings in an expert witness? Summary: Brennan's former forensic anthropology professor - and ex-lover - Dr. Michael Stires, surprises her with a visit to her lab at the Jeffersonian while in town to interview for a job. While they make plans to have dinner together that evening, Booth wheels in a soiled refrigerator, revealing the decomposed remains of a young woman inside. As Brennan and her team go to work to uncover clues as to what may have happened Booth discovers an old ransom note sent to the girl's parents shortly after she disappeared. Booth and Brennan determine the supposed kidnapping was a hoax and Booth makes an arrest in the case. When Bones is called in as an expert witness, she is shocked to discover the defense has brought in an expert of their own.

Act 1 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Niles is sitting and drinking coffee. Roz comes over to him, wearing a somewhat revealing dress. Roz: Hi, Niles. [She sits.] Niles: Hey, Roz. Roz: Hey, how's Daphne? Niles: Actually, I just got back from visiting her at the spa. It wasn't easy, but she's already lost nine pounds and twelve ounces. [N.B. This is an inside joke. Jane Leeves had her baby, Isabella Catherine Coben, weighing in at nine pounds and twelve ounces.] Roz: Wow, good for her! It's all about willpower. A waiter hands Roz a plate heaped with brownies. [N.B. First appearance of James, the "unflappable" barista/waiter.] Roz: Oh, thanks. Niles: Um, I'm going back to the spa this coming weekend, if you need a ride... Roz: Oh, these aren't for me. Alice's school is having a picnic and I'm bringing the goodies. Niles: [looking at her cleavage] Yes, I see. Just don't get them sunburned. [off her look] I'm sorry, it's just... aren't you a little overdressed for a picnic? Roz gets a Tupperware container out of her bag and puts the brownies in it. Roz: Well, there is this cute single dad named Greg. He's going through a divorce, his wife cheated on him. He's so nice, too. He deserves a woman he can trust. Do these look like I baked them? Niles: Yes. Just as long as they don't taste like you baked them. Frasier comes in. Roz: I gotta go. Niles: All right. Frasier: Hi, Roz. Roz: Hey, Frasier. She grabs her things, gets up and leaves. Frasier: [to server] Can I get a latte to go, please? He comes over to Niles table and sits. Frasier: Well, Niles, it's official: our old high school is on the verge of bankruptcy. Niles: Well, what happened to the fundraising committee? Frasier: We disbanded it this morning. Niles: I don't believe it. Bryce Academy gone. No more third floor library. No more science lab. Frasier: Oh, gosh. I stole my first kiss in that science lab. Jill Solomon. She was pretty upset about it, but I was beaming all the way to the nurse's office. Niles: No more nurse's office! I spent many a happy gym class there. Frasier, we can't let this happen. Frasier: I don't see how we can prevent it, Niles. Believe me, there are no more alumni arms left to be twisted. Niles: Well, maybe we're twisting the wrong arms. We know plenty of people who give to any cause that comes along. Frasier: Perhaps you're right. Let's get some of that cash flowing Bryce's way! Niles: Yes. Now, how soon do you think we can get some of our well- to-do friends together? The waitress brings Frasier's latte and he and Niles get up. Frasier: No time to waste, Niles. How's Wednesday evening? Niles: I can't, theater tickets. How 'bout Thursday? They get their coats and put them on. Frasier: I've got an appointment at the spa. Niles: Well, can you change it? Frasier: Well, not willingly. It's with the good masseur, the blind one. Niles gets a look of revelation. Niles: He's blind?! When they said he couldn't see clients, I thought he was just booked all week. They exit. FADE OUT. Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Niles and Frasier are preparing for the party. There are servers helping. Niles: Now, we should probably talk strategy before the guests get here. Frasier: Yes, all right. We don't want to pounce. Let's let them get settled in, have a few cocktails, and when they're sufficiently relaxed comfortable, we'll shear them like Delilah! They laugh and the doorbell rings. Niles: Our first guest. Frasier: Let the fundraising begin! He opens the door to reveal a group of people. He ushers them in, shaking hands and greeting. Frasier: Hello, one and all. Please, come in, come in, please. Let me take your coat. Please, make yourself at home. He hands the coat to one of the servers. Guest: Frasier, the place looks wonderful. Frasier: Thank you. Guest: I love that painting! Frasier: Really? Well, it's hardly as impressive as that portrait Hockney did of your wife. Guest: You like it? Make me an offer. Frasier: Excuse me? Guest: Between you and me, I'm getting hammered by margin calls. Need a watch? The doorbell rings again. Frasier: Actually, that's not... [He breaks off and goes to greet the new guest.] Mertzie! Good to see you. How is everything? CUT TO: Niles talking to another of the guests. 2nd Guest: So the judge voided the pre-nup and if that's not enough on top of it, I'm paying half her lawyer's fee. These Russian gals look good on the internet, but... The scene DISSOLVES to later. Frasier finishes with a guest and walks over to Niles. Niles: How are things going on your side of the room? Frasier: Not very well. It seems Marshall sank all his money in a new house. Sally sank all her money in a new boat. Which sank. Two women come in the door, one of them is wearing an eye patch. Frasier: Wait! Niles, at the door, isn't that...? Niles: Oh, yes it is. Eleanor Lynch. I hear she got a huge settlement from the Mariners after that bat flew into the stands and... Frasier: No, no, no, the woman next to her. Isn't that Penelope Janvier? Niles: Of the Penelope Janvier Foundation? Yes, it is! Frasier: Niles, this is amazing luck. She could write a check covering the whole amount without batting an eye! Niles: Yes! Don't put it that way in front of Eleanor. Let's go talk to her. Frasier: No, wait. We're only going to have one crack at this, we better make it a good one. Let's devise a little plan, come with me. Niles: Oh, all right. They head to the kitchen. One of the servers, stepping down from the raised floor, twists her foot and cries out. Penelope hurries over. Penelope: Oh, my goodness. Are you all right? Server: Oh, I just twisted my ankle. Penelope takes the tray from her. Penelope: Well, sit down, I'll take this back to the kitchen for you. Server: Oh, thank you. Penelope starts to walk over, but Martin pokes his head out of the hallway. Martin: Psst. Hey, sweetheart. I need some more Crunch 'n' Munch. Penelope: Oh, I'm not... Martin: I'm sorry. I'm sure your busy, but if my sons see me traipsing through their party, they'll think I'm gonna embarrass them in front of all their stuffed-shirt friends. [He takes a cracker from the tray she's holding.] You look familiar. You ever dance? CUT TO: the kitchen. Frasier and Niles are working on their plan. Frasier: Now, we've got to appear casual. Niles: All right, all right. Should we start with a little small talk? Frasier: Perhaps, perhaps. Yes. I remember an aphorism that's usually attributed to Santayana, but I have my own little version... Niles looks out and notices. Niles: We've go to get out there right now! Frasier: Just give me the chance to get the words right. "Money can not so enrich a man..." Niles: She's talking to Dad! Frasier: Let's get the hell out there! They hurry out. CUT TO: the living room as they rush over to see Martin closing the door behind Penelope. Frasier: Dad, Dad, what happened with that woman just now? Martin: Nothin'. She got a phone call and she had to leave. She said to say thanks. Niles: Oh, come off it. You offended her somehow. Frasier: What was it, Dad? A bawdy joke? Nose whistling? Niles: Do you have any idea who that was? Martin: Yeah, she said her name was Penelope John Veer or Jeen Veeair or somethin'... Frasier: Janvier, Dad, Jean, JEAN! Oh, it doesn't matter. Martin: Well it does to me. I wanna say her name right if we're havin' dinner tomorrow. Frasier: You didn't ask her out, did you Dad? Martin: No, she asked me out. Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, Dad, it's just that I'm a little shocked. Martin: Actually, I think that's pronounced "Sorry, Dad, I'm a condescending jaque-ass." He stomps off to his room as Niles and Frasier act contrite. FADE OUT. THE SILVER FOX Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier and Niles are eating at the table. Niles: Dad left to meet Penelope five hours ago. What could they be doing? Frasier: I can think of one possibility. Niles: You think...? On a first date? Frasier: Niles, they went to a steak house. Penelope's paying. I'm sorry, but I don't think a forty-eight-ouncer is out of the question. He grabs the plates and he and Niles head to the kitchen. CUT TO: the kitchen as they enter. Frasier: You know, Niles, hard to believe but Penelope Janvier could actually become Dad's girlfriend. Nile pours two sherries. Niles: Well, that's not so preposterous. Mom was as cultured and intelligent as they come, and he certainly made her happy. Frasier: That he did. You know it might be good for Dad, too. [He takes a sherry from Niles.] Thank you. Niles: Yeah. It certainly won't hurt our fundraising efforts. [raises his glass] For Bryce. Frasier: For Bryce. They clink glasses and sip. Martin can be heard coming in the front. Niles: He's back! Is that a woman's voice? Frasier: My God! She came home with him! They hurry out. CUT TO: the living room as they enter. Frasier: Dad. Niles: Dad, hey, how was your evening? Martin: Ah, couldn't have gone better. Frasier: Dad, am I mistaken, or did we just hear the sound of a woman's voice out here? Martin: Yeah, she's in the powder room, but listen... Frasier: The powder room! I haven't changed the hand towels for three days! Niles makes a sound of disgust. Frasier: Don't you cluck your tongue at me! He hurries over as the powder room door opens and a woman, not Penelope, comes out. Martin: Uh, Estelle, I'd like you to meet my boys. This is Frasier and Niles. Frasier: Hello. Estelle: Nice to meet you guys. Niles: Hello. Estelle: Thanks for lettin' me use the john. Martin: Oh, sure. See you tomorrow, okay? Estelle: Great. She kisses Martin and he holds the door for her. Estelle: Bye guys. Frasier: Bye-bye. She leaves and Martin lets out a big sigh. Martin: I'm beat. Well, see you guys tomorrow. He starts to walk to the hall, but Niles and Frasier close in his path. Both: Dad? Martin: Oh, all right, here's what happened. Penelope and I got along great, but after I dropped her off, I was still hungry. So I went to this little coffee shop near McGinty's for chili fries. Now, I know what you're wondering: doesn't McGinty's have chili fries? Yes, and they're very tasty, but... Frasier: Who the hell is Estelle?! Martin: She works in the coffee shop. We got to chattin' and the next thing you know, we're havin' a nightcap at McGinty's. Hey, when it rains, it pours. He edges past them. Niles: Yes, Dad, but what about Penelope? Martin: Oh, I'm seein' her Tuesday. Niles: You just made a date with Estelle. Martin: Not for Tuesday. Niles: You're going to date both of them? Are you sure that's wise? Martin: It's just dating. I met 'em both at the same time, I like 'em both. Where's the harm in it? Niles: Well, don't you think that's a bit risky? What if one of them should find out? Frasier: Penelope for example. Niles: Yes, yes, you wouldn't want to alienate her permanently. Martin: Oh, don't worry. I've watched you juggle. I got a pretty good handle on what not to do. Frasier is left without a comeback. FADE OUT. End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Niles comes to the counter for some sugar, Roz is there, dressed up. Roz: Oh, hi, Niles. Niles: Hey, Roz. Off to another picnic, I see. Roz: Yeah, Greg and I are really hitting it off. He loves my cooking. Niles heads back to the window seat where Frasier is sitting. The Waiter comes up to Roz. Waiter: I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of lemon bars. Roz: Well, make some more. And give me a dirty pan. I need to put it in my sink. Waiter: I'm sorry, our baker doesn't come in 'til tomorrow. I can give you the recipe. Roz: What am I supposed to do with that? Waiter: Bake? Roz: Is that supposed to be funny? CUT TO: Niles and Frasier at the window bench. Martin comes in and heads for the counter as Frasier folds his newspaper over. Frasier: Good lord, Niles, you won't believe this. Bryce trustees are already reviewing a proposal for the purchase of their land. Niles: Dad just walked in. Let's drop another hint about meeting Penelope. Frasier: The time for hints is passed, Niles. We've got to be direct. Niles: Dad is not going to let us ask his girlfriend for money. Frasier: I didn't say "honest," I said "direct." Try to keep up, for God's sake! Martin walks over. Martin: Hey, guys. Frasier: Hi, Dad. Niles: Dad, have a seat. Martin sits next to Frasier. Frasier: So, wow! Is that espresso? Martin: Yeah, a little pick-me-up in between dates. This juggling thing isn't as easy as I make it look. But don't you worry: they're both gettin' first class passage on the "S.S. Martin." Niles looks at Frasier with realization. Niles: Oh, THAT'S where you get that from. A cell phone begins chiming "The William Tell Overture." Frasier and Niles check theirs, but Martin reaches in his pocket. Martin: Oh, that's me. Frasier: You got a cell phone? Martin: Well, sure, I had to. You don't think I gave them both my home number, do you? Come on, Fras, that's amateur hour. See, I programmed the phone for different rings depending on who's calling, so that way I don't get caught off guard. Now, this is "William Tell", rhymes with "Estelle." He answers. Martin: Hello? ... Oh, hi, Este... nelope! He covers the phone. Martin: Penelope, that's right! Her son's name's William. [into phone] Uh, yeah. Oh, sure, Tuesday sounds great! Pick me up at seven? Okay. See you then, Penelope. He disconnects. Niles: Very smooth. Frasier: Yes, yes. Dad, about Penelope, actually, we were wondering... Martin's pone begins chiming "I've Been Working on the Railroad." Martin: Now see, that's Estelle. [He answers.] Hello? Hey, Estelle, I had a feeling it might be you. Tuesday at seven? Sounds great. The boys gesture frantically. Martin: Oh, hold on a sec. [to them] What? Frasier: Didn't you just make a date for Tuesday at seven with Penelope? Martin: That was Thursday, wasn't it? Niles: No, no, we both heard Tuesday. Martin: Oh, thanks. Boy, that coulda been ugly. [into phone] Estelle, sorry no, Thursday's out. It has to be Tuesday. [The boys gesture again.] No, wait, uh, no, Thursday. Thursday's what I meant. Yeah, okay. Talk to you later. Bye. He hangs up. Martin: She's got it bad and that ain't good. Frasier: Dad, listen, we were thinking it might be time that we meet Penelope. She sounds enchanting. Niles: Yes, enchanting. How's tomorrow? Martin: Oh, guys, I don't know. Meetin' the family, that's taking it up another notch. I'm not sure if I want to get that serious yet. Maybe in a few months, but right now I want to keep it simple. Niles: Simple? As in "Estenelope"? Martin gets up to leave and notices a woman who's leaving. Martin: Hello... Who's that? Frasier: Dad, for God's sake! Isn't there enough on your plate as it is? Martin: What can I tell you, Daddy's got a big appetite! He leaves. Frasier: Dear God, what'll we do now? Niles: I don't know. I guess we could have him neutered. Well, I suppose we could try to get to Penelope through her foundation. Frasier: I already tried that, but there's a six-month waiting list just to see her. Martin's cell phone starts chiming "The William Tell Overture". Frasier: Good lord, Dad must have left his phone. Maybe I better run and tell him it's Penelope. He starts to rise, then settles back down with a cunning look. Frasier: You know, I'll never catch him. Niles: No, he's long gone and would probably want you to take a message. Frasier opens the phone. Frasier: Hello? No, this is his son, Frasier. Penelope Janvier? Oh, how nice to speak with you. A cocktail party, tomorrow night. He'll be there. In fact, I'll make sure of that, I'll be driving him myself. You see, my brother Niles and I will be with him all day. It's our once a year family day and we do just about everything together. What's that? Are you sure, really? Well, then yes, we'd love to come. He and Niles grin smugly at each other. FADE OUT. CHECK, PLEASE [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Penelope's Home Fade in. Frasier, Niles and Martin come in and take off their coats. Frasier: My, Penelope certainly has good taste. Niles: Well of course, she likes Dad, doesn't she? Martin: Oh, can it. I'm still mad at you guys for inviting yourselves. Now, remember, be careful what you say in front of Penelope. I've got a delicate balancing act going here, so don't mess it up. Penelope: Don't mess what up? Martin: Oh, ah, uh, your lovely living room, my boys really like to rough-house. Frasier and Niles playfully shove at each other, Martin kisses Penelope hello. Martin: Penelope, these are my sons, Niles and Frasier. Frasier: Yes, hello, we spoke on the phone. It's such a pleasure to meet you. Penelope: Thank you. Frasier: Dad speaks about you all the time. Niles: Yes. Martin's cell phone begins chiming "Railroad," he reaches for it nervously. Martin: Oh, uh, that's just my alarm, to remind me to... take my pills. Penelope: Oh, well, let's get you a glass of water. Martin: Oh, no, that's all right, I'd rather do it in private. He walks off. Niles: Yeah, he has trouble swallowing. Frasier: A small epiglottis. Niles: "Epiglottis." Haven't heard that word since biology class in high school. Frasier: Oh, yes, high school. It's a pity about our old high school... Penelope: Oh, William! A man comes over. Penelope: Niles, Frasier, I'd like you to meet my son, William. Frasier: Ah, hello. Niles and Frasier hold out their hands, but William just stands there. William: [deadpan] Nice to meet you. Penelope: These are Marty's boys. William: [deadpan] Oh, hi. [to Penelope] Did I just hear Doctor Kallman asked you for fifty thousand dollars for a new CAT scan machine at the hospital? Penelope: It is a worthy cause. William: Yes, Mother, they all are. But it's inappropriate to hit you up for money at a party. Penelope: Teddy was your father's closest friend. William: Bourbon was my father's closest friend. I showed Ted out. Penelope: William! He delivered you. Excuse me, I have to go get him. Frasier: Yes, all right. She hurries off. William: People look at my mother, all they see is dollar signs. Makes me sick. What are you guys doing here? Frasier: Us? Oh, well, actually, your mother invited us here. Niles: She did. William: Uh-oh. Mother's been cornered by Father Patterson. Or should I say, "Father Sponge"? He walks over to the man and points to the door. Niles: Oh, my goodness. It's going to be hard pressing our case to Penelope with him around. Frasier: Don't worry, Niles, we'll get a chance. We've got all night. Niles: All right. Martin comes back. Martin: Don't get too comfortable, boys, we've gotta leave. Frasier: What? Martin: Well, it turns out I had a date with Estelle tonight, she's been waitin' half an hour. It's not like me to screw up like this. Niles: Well, what about Penelope, Dad? You cannot just walk out on her party. Martin: Hey, Estelle took the evening off special just to be with me, you know, and she's pretty steamed. Rules of the game: angriest woman wins. His cell phone chimes again. Frasier: Oh, good lord. Martin: Ah, geez! Grab your coats. He hurries off as Penelope comes up. Penelope: Frasier? Where's your father off to? Frasier: He, he had to take more pills. Penelope: My goodness, I had no idea he was on so much medication. Are you concerned? Frasier: Well, not really, no. He'll be fine. I just wish I could same the same for our old high school. William walks up. William: What are you three taking about? Niles: Umm, William, there you are. Excuse us. [Niles takes his arm and leads him away.] I just wanted to alert you to a possible situation. I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wanted your mother to produce. William: Okay, which one? Niles: I think it was something by Chekhov. CUT TO: Frasier talking to Penelope. Frasier: The long and the short of it, Ms. Janvier, is, is that my alma mater, Bryce Academy, is in dire straights. The coffers are bare, and our only hope is to find a savior. Forgive me for being presumptuous, but I was hoping it might be you. Penelope: Actually, I'm familiar with Bryce. Frasier: Oh, well then you must also be familiar with their excellent standards. Penelope: Yes, I am. They wouldn't let in William. Frasier: Well, with your endowment, I'm sure he'd be a shoe-in. I, I'm sorry, Ms. Jean Vie, please, we are desperate. Penelope: Ordinarily, I wouldn't even consider this, but... I'm very fond of your father. Call the foundation tomorrow with the details and we'll issue you a check. Frasier: Thank you, thank you. That's very kind of you, thank you so much. Penelope: It's my pleasure. I'd do anything for your father. He's a rarity: he's an old-fashioned gentleman. Martin comes in. Martin: Well, I gotta go. Penelope: Marty, what's wrong? Martin: Oh, I'm feelin' a little under the weather. Penelope: Oh, well then maybe you ought to see my doctor. He's here at the party. Martin: No, I don't need a doctor. Penelope: Those were my husband's last words. Don't move. Martin: All right, if you insist. She walks away, Martin gestures to Frasier. Martin: Pull the car around, I'm goin' out through the kitchen. Frasier: Dad! Dad! For God's sake, you can't leave now! Penelope will get suspicious! Martin: Estelle's already suspicious. Besides, I've decided to break it off with Penelope. Frasier: What?! Martin: Well, hearing Estelle just now, how upset she was on the phone, it made me realize how much I cared about her. Frasier: All right, listen Dad. Bryce Academy is going bankrupt. Penelope is going to write a check tomorrow to save it. So until then, I need you to pretend that you're still interested in her. Martin: I can't believe this! You and your brother have been using me! His phone rings again and he reaches for it. Penelope comes over with a man. Penelope: Martin? This is Doctor Kallman. Martin: Oh, well, it's nice to meet you, but I'm feeling a lot better now, thanks. Penelope: If I let you leave without knowing if you're sick, I'll worry all night. Frasier: And you wouldn't want that, now would you, Dad? Here we are. He helps take Martin's coat off and tosses it over a chair. Martin: All right, all right. Frasier: Doctor, be thorough. Martin: But the pants stay on! Dr. Kallman and Martin head off. Frasier: Ms. Janvier, I realize that I've been a little pushy... Penelope: Oh, not pushy, just assertive. I like that. Frasier: Oh, well, then be prepared to love me, because I need that check right now. CUT TO: William and Niles examining the servers. William: Was it this one, Deviled Egg Guy? Niles: Uh, you know I'm not sure. He and Chicken Sate Guy look so much alike. William raises his voice. William: All right, listen up: Which one of you snack jockeys is trying to get a play produced? All of the servers, and one of the guests, raise a hand. CUT TO: Frasier. Penelope comes back into the room with her checkbook. Frasier: Ah, Ms. Janvier. Thank you again, so much. Just make it out to "Bryce Academy." Penelope: Do you have a pen? Frasier reaches in his pockets. Frasier: Oh, yes, when you sign as many autographs as I do, you always have to have your... oh, good lord, I'm... Penelope: Never mind. [calling out] William, I need a pen. William: What for? Penelope: I'm writing a check. William: Oh, that's it. Look, we're going down to the "special" room, and we're going to talk about this. He starts to walk over, but Niles hurries around and faints into his arms. William: Mother, I... He flops Niles around and walks over to Penelope. William: Mother, I forbid you to write another check. Penelope: Oh, just give me a pen. William: I don't have one. Niles pulls out his pen and holds it up, Penelope takes it. William: Mother... William throws Niles to the floor, where he scrambles up. Frasier: Oh, lord. William: ...this could be an elaborate scheme to bilk us. You don't even know who these guys are. Frasier: We're Marty's boys. Penelope: And I trust Martin. Martin's cell phone begins to chime in his coat. Penelope: Oh, that's Martin's alarm. She reaches into the coat. Frasier: Just ignore that. Penelope: This is a phone! Niles: Here, I'll take it. Penelope answers. Penelope: Hello? This is Penelope, who is this? Estelle, Martin's girlfriend? William glares at Niles who looks down. Penelope: May I take a message? Martin rushes in. Martin: Pill time! Time for more pills. Penelope: I'll tell him. [She closes the phone.] Estelle says don't bother coming over tonight. Oh, Marty, how could you? Martin: I'm sorry. I was gonna tell you, but... I guess this means breakfast Tuesday is off? Penelope: That's right. And it was Thursday! Martin heads back to get his jacket. Penelope: I don't need this pen anymore. She hands it back to Niles. Frasier: Ms. Janvier, please. I don't blame you for being angry, but if you believe in the hope of tomorrow and a brighter future, then please, please don't punish the children of Bryce Academy for our misdeeds. William: Oh, boo-hoo. Penelope takes the pen back from Niles and picks up her check book. William: Mother! Penelope: That's enough, William. I made a promise to these men, and I'm a woman of my word. She signs the check, tears it out and hands it to Frasier. Frasier: Thank you. Thank you so much! Niles: You're more gracious than we deserve. Frasier: Yes. She hands the pen back to Niles, then she and William leave. Niles: Well done, Frasier! Frasier: Oh, Niles, I can't wait to see the expression on the headmaster's face when he sees this check for... [he looks at it] ...fifty dollars. Niles: What?! Frasier: Uh, well, I, I guess it's fifty dollars more than we had before. Martin comes back in. Martin: Well, let's go fellas, grab my coat, will ya? Frasier: Right, Dad. Frasier grabs the coat. But, when he turns around, the coat knocks a vase off a table. He and Niles look at it, panicked. Then Frasier puts the check down on the table and they slink out quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] Roz is at the counter at Cafe Nervosa. The counterman from before brings out a cake. She thanks him, then points to his apron. He hands it over and she puts it on asking how she looks. He gets some glaze from the cake on his finger and dabs it on Roz's face. She looks annoyed until she realizes it gives her that "been cooking" look and thanks him again. She grabs the cake and heads out.

Plan: A: Bryce Academy; Q: What is the name of the school that Frasier and Niles are trying to save? A: closure; Q: What is Bryce Academy in danger of? A: benefactors; Q: What are Frasier and Niles looking for? A: their old school; Q: What are Frasier and Niles trying to save? A: alumni; Q: What group of people did Frasier and Niles have no success with? A: a party; Q: What do Frasier and Niles organize for their wealthy friends? A: Penelope Janvier; Q: Who is the rich widow? A: her own foundation; Q: What does Penelope have? A: Martin; Q: Who meets Penelope first? A: dinner; Q: What meal did Martin have with Penelope? A: Estelle; Q: Who does Martin bring home with him after his date with Penelope? A: Frasier do; Q: Who does Martin plan to juggle the women like? Summary: Bryce Academy is in danger of closure, and Frasier and Niles are desperate to find benefactors to help save their old school. Having no success with alumni, they decide to organize a party for some wealthy friends of theirs. Among the guests is Penelope Janvier, a rich widow with her own foundation. Martin meets her first, and she asks him out, much to his sons' surprise, although they realize this could prove useful to them. They are even more surprised some time later, when Martin returns from dinner with Penelope, and has another woman with him called Estelle. He announces that he plans to juggle the women, as he has seen Frasier do.

[Random hotel ballroom. Toapplause, a disembodied voice introduces Adam Lyons, whowill present this year's Atlas Awards. Adam Lyons -- anice young man with floppy hair -- strides to thepodium.] Adam: At Kennedy and Collins, where I work in New York,we have a saying: 'The only thing better than great sexis a great ad campaign.' [The camera cuts to Brian, sitting at a table next to hisassistant, Cynthia.] Adam: So, when I asked to come to Pittsburgh to helpchoose the ad person of the Year when I looking for issomeone who could 'give great ad.' Someone whose workwould make me stand up and take notice. Well, afterreviewing this year enteries I believe we found him. Thisyear 'Atlas Award' for Pittsburgh Ads Person Of The Yeargoes to... Brian Kinney! [Cynthia smiles, kisses him slowly on the cheek] Cynthia: Go get him, tiger...the award, I mean. [Brian walks up to the podium, accepts the award, shakesAdam's hand] Brian: Care to test that saying? [Later on, as the shmoozing rages down below, Brian andAdam have s*x up on a balcony. Cynthia stands guard atthe entrance.] [Debbie's. Vic sits on the couchwith his hands tightly clenched.] Vic: I was standing with my dick out when this guy at thejourney next to me starting cruising me. Mel: Did you cruise him back? Vic: No. Mel: You did nothing to make him think you're looking forsex? Vic: I just want to take a piss. Michael: Same thing happened to this guy at my gym. Hewas walking his dog. He started talking to this otherguy, who invited him back to his place. Next thing thathe know is that he's busted. Justin: They can really do that? Mel: They can do what the hell they want. Justin: f*ck that. You'd better fight it. Debbie: Hey, don't put any ideas in his head. Justin: You wanted me to fight for the Gay/StraightStudent Alliance. Debbie: This is different. You're eighteen, and you'rehealthy. What are out other options? Mel: To plead guilty. Michael: You have to go to jail? Mel: No, not for first offense, if you just pay a fine. Vic: I'll take it. I'll pay a few dollars and done. Mel: And it will be on your record permanently. Michael: You mean as s*x offender? Debbie: Oh, they will make him register with the policenamed it? Mel: Yeah, they will. Debbie: Jesus. Vic: Well, there goes my shot at the Supreme Court. Justin: You could plead not guilty. Debbie: One more word out of you! Mel: That will work involved go on the trail. You have toget up in front of a jury and some young, aggressiveprosecutor from the D.A.'s office would cross-examinedyou; the cop who arrested you will sitting in the frontrow. Vic: I can't do that. Debbie: You can't anymore stress. Michael: So, you have a misdemeanor on your record. Who'sgoing to know? Justin: He will. [Meanwhile, back at the ballroom,Brian and Adam are zipping up their pants and tucking intheir shirts.] Adam: So what the hell are you doin in Pittsburgh? You'retoo good for Pittsburgh. You should be in New York. Brian: Yeah, but for what I get paid here, I have a loftthe size of a city block. There I'd have a closet inQueens. Adam: You wouldn't believe the salaries they paid in theCity these days. I'm 27 and I have an amazing place SoHo. Brian: Wow. So, we're the same age. Adam: In fact there is an opening in my agency at yourlevel. And you're clearly got experience and you know howwork hard. I've be happy to put a good word for you. Brian: Is there anything else you'd be happy to do? [He unzips his pants and Adam goes down on him.] [At David's. Mike walks in andsees David sitting in the living room, in the dark.] Michael: What are you doin' sitting in the dark? David: Thinking. How's Vic? Michael: OK, considering he just got out of jail. David: I got a call from Lori. Michael: Oh, yeah? David: She and Gary getting in divorce. Michael: It's too bad. You know, these straight couplesjust cannot make their marriages work. David: Hank's pretty upset. Michael: Oh yeah, I guess he must be. David: She said he's not speaking to her; he's ditchingclass, and he's even quit the hockey team. Michael: He's not taking drugs, doesn't he? David: No, she doesn't think so. He's just f*cking angry.It's because of me. Michael: Did he say that? David: No, I did. This will make the second dad that he'slost. Michael: So, what's the plan? David: The plan? Michael: Well, a real trip would accomplish a lot morethan a guilt trip. Should I make a reservation? David: I already did. There is a clerk who put me a favorand booked my the first flight in the morning. I figuredas sooner as better. Michael: Who says you're not a great dad? Droppingeverything at a moment's notice to fly across the countryto be with your kid. So, when will you be back? David: As soon as I can. Michael: This is the first time we're be apart. David: Yeah. Michael: It's going to be weird, your not being here.Promised me to miss me? A lot?! [Then gives him a big hug and a kiss, while David looksworried, worried, worried.] [Liberty Diner. Ted and Blakewalk in. Blake's looking at the want ads in the paper. ] Ted: If you see anything in there for an accountant thatincludes world travel and an unlimited expense account,let me know. Blake: First I will find a job for myself. Ted: Any possibilities? Blake: Sure, but they all want training. Experience.References. Who's going to hire a crystal freak? Ted: Former crystal freak. Give yourself a little creditfor all the positive step you'll be taking. Blake: Thanks to you. [They kiss. At a booth across the diner, Emmett rolls hiseyes. Ted and Blake see The Boys and go over to jointhem.] Emmett: Hello young lovers. Brian: Ted Schmidt, happy at last. It's fuckingunbelievable. Ted: Yeah, who would have guessed? Michael: Can we keep the passion down to a minimum? Ihave a boyfriend out of town and no means for release. Justin: Have you guys seen the new waiter? [Cut to a dumb-looking version of Ryan Phillippe, who'ssort of pacing behind the counter. ] Brian: You call that hot? Justin: Yeah. Brian: In your age I guess you would. Michael: Oh, in your age you wouldn't? Brian: I've moved beyond that. Emmett: Since when? Brian: Since last night. I did the hottest guy in days.He's an ad agency in New York. He said I'm too good forPittsburgh and I'm wasting my time here. He thinks Ishould be there. Ted: I'll bet he said that to all the boys. Brian: He said there is a job in his agency that I beperfect for. I faxed them my resume. Michael: Sounds serious. Brian: You don't think so? Justin: So, if you get this job, you're leaving? Brian: Not 'if.' When. [Later, Mike, Emmett, and Tedwalk and talk about Brian's possible departure.] Emmett: You think he really meant it? He's really gonnago? Michael: Well, of course not. He's probably overreactingto a compliment from some New York man. Ted: The bright lights of Broadway backum. Emmett: I don't know. He sound pretty serious. He evensend him his résumé. Ted: It's just going to end up at the bottom of somepile. Mine always do. Michael: There's probably a thousand other guys clamoringfor the same job. Ted: Trust me. He's never going to hear from them again. [Ted's cell phone rings.] Ted: Oh, it's me. I'll talk to you guys later. Bye. Yeah? Mel: You called? Ted: Yeah, thanks for returning. Look, Blake is lookingfor a job. And he's interesting in a permanent legal. Ithoughed he maybe might in your firm? Mel: God, you are so in luck. One of our assistants justquit this morning. Blake could start right away! Ted: Really? Mel: Of course not. What do you think, jobs are justfalling off trees? Ted: No need to get cunty, I just thought I'd ask! Mel: He is a nice guy and he did help Vic out. Maybe wecan take him as attempt for a couple weeks and then maybewe could hire him. Ted: That'll be great. And, uh, Mel? You're not really --you know. Mel: I know. You are. [Emmett walks down the alleybehind Debbie's place. Vic's taking out the trash. Emmettoffers him the box he's carrying] Emmett: For you. Vic: A pecan pie. Emmett: Well, whenever my mother used to visit someone,she always brought along a pecan pie. Of course, thisone's from the supermarket. And she used to make her own.Their pie's are so awful. Vic: I never noticed. Emmett: Well, whenever anything was happened in theirlife they always could count that she'll be there withher pie. So, does anything happening? Vic: Yeah, I'll taken up the garbage. Emmett: I mean about your upcoming court appearance. Vic: I planed to plead guilty. Emmett: Please, don't. Vic: Look, it's got nothing to do with you. Emmett: No, that's were you wrong. Because everything hasto do with me, with all of us. Because it could happenedto any of us. Vic: It didn't happened to any of you. It did happen tome. Emmett: When you're not fighting you're letting them knowthat they can keep getting away with this. Vic: I'm sick. Emmett: You're also innocent. Vic: Who gives a sh1t? The cops? The D.A.? Emmett: I was hoping you. Vic: I just want it over. So I can bring back the trashin piece and quiet. Emmet: As registered s*x offender. Vic: Jesus Christ, you have to Broadcast? Emmett: Everyone's gonna know, anyway. Vic: Fine, then I still have to live with it. Emmett: That's just what Mr. Pedigrove said. Vic: Who? Emmett: Mr.Pedigrove. High-school teachers back home inMississippi. He was accused of exposing himself to one ofthe other students. The story wasn't true. The kid wasjust mad because Pedigrove flunked him. Vic: I'm suppose you gonna tell me he beaten to death? Orhang himself in the jail? Emmett: No, he lived with his spinster sister inMoradian. When he died a few years later , they say thathe put in his will that he didn't want his name put onhis tombstone. Because it was worthless. [Brian's loft. Brian's packing,or hanging up clothes] Justin: Don't go. You can't go. What are you going to dowithout me? Brian: I donno. I think I survive. Justin: Doubt it. Brian: I'm sure you go along fine with your own. Justin: No. Brian: Yeah, you will. You're going to do what you shouldhave done a long time ago. You're going to meet sometwinkie your own age. Justin: What do I want with some kid who doesn't knowshit?! Brian: I do need to take a shower. [Justin throws Brian's clothes around.] Justin: Go. Go take a shower! Go to New York! Go to yournew life! In a year -- probably not even that long -- you won't even remember my name. I'll justbe that 'kid who wouldn't leave me alone, who thought hewas in love with me.' If you f*cking think of me at all. [Brian comes back into the room.] Brian: I won't. I won't think of you. When I walk outthat door, I don't plan on ever looking back. And Iexpect you to do the same. [Justin starts to cry, and Brian pulls him close andgives him a hug.] [A men's clothing store. Blake'strying on the new suit Ted's buying for him. ] Ted: It's the perfect interview suit. Blake: You sure? Sales clerk: Trust your boyfriend. He has a good eye.We'll all set. I'll go ring it up. [Blake disappears inside this makeshift round curtaindressing room that's right in the middle of the store.Ted takes a surreptitious look around before followinghim.] Blake: What are you doin'? Ted: I thoughed you could need some hand with your pants. Blake: I'm a big boy and I can dress and undress myself. Ted: All those pins. Let's go for it. Blake: Here? What if we are cought? Ted: That's the fun part. [So they start macking, and Ted goes down on Blake. Thesaleslady comes back, decides to be a trooper about it,and turns her back] Sales Clerk: You doin' okay in there? Ted: Fine. Blake: Great. Sales Clerk: Uh, take all the time you need, boys. Ted: We will! [Vic's trial. Melanie'sconferring with the judge, while Mike and Debbie sitbehind the defense's table and Vic paces back and forth.] Debbie: Tryin' relax. Vic: I just wanna try to get out here. [Melanie returns to the table with the policeman'sreport.] Mel: OK, here is the police report. The cop's got lousyhandwriting and his spelling's atrocious, so you mightwant to break out your reading glasses. [The cop, sitting at the prosecution's table, heard that.Vic reads the report, and shakes his head] Vic: This isn't what happened! Debbie: What are you talking about? Vic: The suspect unzipped his pants to exposed himself...I was peeing. Suspect begin m*st*rb*t*ng his half-erectpenis. I never did! Suspect said 'What are you into?' Inever said that, the cop did. Mel: OK, are you sure? Because sometimes you can playingincident of your mind so many times that you forget whatreally happened? Vic: I was there. I know. Judge: OK, in the matter of the people vs. Victor Grassiis the counsel ready for a plea? Mel: Yes, your honor. We plead... Vic: Not guilty. [Melanie grins a little. In the stands, Emmett rolls hiseyes heavenward.] Emmett: Thank you, God. [Debbie's.] Vic: You put me on the stand. I'll tell that wholecourtroom that the f*cking cop is lying. Debbie: You damnright you will. Mel: Yeah well, it's just because your word against his.I'll see what I'm take up. Vic: Sounds this would be expensive. Mel: Oh, don't worry. I taking the case pro bono. Debbie: 'Bono'? Like Sonny Bono? Michael: That means for free, mother. Debbie: Oh, no f*cking way! We insists on paying. Mel: Alright, you can pay. You can babysitting. I'm nottalking about when he sleep. I meant change his huggies,that wors. Debbie: OK, we accept. And Justin can help. Rightsunshine? [Justin, sitting on the couch, is off in his ownBrianless little world. He sort of looks around.] Justin: Mmmh? Sure. I'm glad you decided to fight, Vic. [And then he mopes upstairs.] Mel: What's wrong with him? Debbie: Brian's moving to New York. It's the end of theworld that he knows it. [Justin's room. Mike opens thedoor.] Michael: Can I come in? Justin: It was your room first. Michael: He's not moving to New York. Justin: He talking as though he is. He flew up thismorning for an interview. Michael: Well, there's no harm in taking a meeting.Besides, I've known him a lot longer than you have. Hemay bitch and moan about Pittsburgh, but there's no wayhe'd stop being top dog to be one of the pack. Justin: Why he put his place for sale? Michael: What? Justin: He call a real stager. [Mike plops down on the bed next to Justin, stunned.] Justin: We should stop him. Michael: Yeah, stop Brian. Right. Justin: We can't just let him leave. Michael: We don't have a choice. Besides, everyone hasthe right to decide how they want to live their life.Look at you -- you decided to leave home, and I betnothing could have changed your mind. It's the same waywith Brian. Justin:I love him, Michael. Michael: I know. All the more reason why you have to lethim go. Justin: Just like that? Michael: Yeah, just like that. Justin: You must not care very much. Michael: [sighs] I care more than you will ever know. [David's. Mike's alone in bedwhen the phone rings.] Michael: Hello? David: Hi. I wake you? Michael: It's okay. What time is it there? David: It's half ten. Michael: It's three hours later here. Is everything okay? David: Everythings fine. Hank was really glad to see me. Michael: It was a good idea you went. David: How you're doin'? [Mike moves his hands down his chest a little] Michael: I'm missing you. It's so lonely in this bed. David: It's lonely here too. Michael: I was dreaming about you as you called. David: What was I doin'? Michael: I'm not telling. David: Let me guess. I had the same dream. I was suckingyour cock. Michael: Oh, yeah? David: It was really hard... [They have stylized, moaning, groaning phone s*x.] [Brian's loft. Lindsay's shown upwith Gus to read Brian the riot act about moving to NewYork.] Lindsay: So when the f*ck do you plan to telling me? Brian: I would send you the change of address. Lindsay: Don't be a smartass. Brian: Look, they haven't even offering me a job yet. Lindsay: Said there were knocked out he by resume. Theinterview were great. Brian: You couldn't believe there offices right onMadison Avenue, with a kick ass view of Midtown. And theguys at this agency are smart. And they're totally hot.It's an entirely different league. Lindsay: So, you're just abandon your son? Brian: Don't start with the guilt sh1t. [He takes Gus from her] Brian: [zu Gus] How would you like to hang out with yourpop in Manhattan, huh? Go to the Guggenheim, and theopera? [to Lindsay] See, you're going to thank me forthis when he grows up to be sophisticated. Lindsay: f*ck you, Brian. I know how to take my kid to amuseum. [She grabs Gus out of his arms.] Brian: Lindsay, if I stay here, I'm going to go out of mymind. Or who knows what I'll become? Lindsay: Probably who you are now, only older. Brian: No. Lindsay: What is wrong with that? It happens to all ofus. Brian: Not me. I want to become something different.Something new. Lindsay: You start sound like your ad campaign. New.Improved. Going to New York won't change anything. Soyou'll have a different loft. Work for a different firm.Go to different bars and clubs. But different doesn'tmake it better. When are you going to figure out thatJustin really loves you, even if he is young? At yourage, that might not be such a bad thing for you. AndMichael would give up his life for you. And I love youtoo. You think you'll find that on Madison Avenue? [Ted walks Blake, all duded up inhis new suit, to the offices of Kurtzman, Vasquez Kishuraand Marcus. He takes a good look at Blake's face.] Ted: Don't be nervous. Blake: I'm not! Ted: I am. [Inside,they meet Mel, wearing a cool white wrap-around shirt.She smiles when she sees Ted and Blake] Mel: Right on time. Ted: It's my Germanic predisposition to be punctual. Mel: [to Blake] Uh, nice suit. Blake: Um Ted picked it up. And the shirt and the tie. Ted: Well, it's also my Germanic predispostion to beoverbearing and controlling. But it's important to make agood first impression. Blake: I will. Mel: And when they ask you why you leave your last jobjust say it was not challenging enough. Blake: I'm already has an answer rehearsed. Ted: And don't say he's a people person, because I hatesthat expression. Blake: I would never say that. Now would you people stopworrying? Just let me go in there and impress the pantsoff of them. Ted: Well, if anyone can do that, you can. [Debbie's. She's cooking dinner.] Vic: Melanie says that it'll be my word against his. Sowhy should the jury listen to me? Debbie: Because you telling the truth! Christ, stopacting so guilty. Vic: Maybe I am, a little. I wanted to go with him. Debbie: Since when is this a crime? Vic: When it's a cop. I can't believe I was foolishenough. At my age, with what I've got? To think thatsomeone would find me desirable? Talk about pathetic. [Debbie slams down the dishes] Debbie: You are not pathetic! And I'm not hearing talkabout that yourself that way! Vic: Then don't listen. When I look in the mirror, I seesomeone I barely recognize. I still imagine that I'm likeBrian -- able to walk into any bar, and have almostanybody that I want. And I had plenty, too. But now.Instead I see this tired, somewhat faded older man. Whomeasures his life from a pill bottle. And who nobodywants. I can't even remember the last time someone lookedat me. Or even touched me. It was probably that Filipinonurse who gave me that barium enema. That was a threat.So, when this handsome young man expressed interest, Iwanted to drop to my knees right there. That's the worstpart. Worse than being arrested. Or put in jail. Orhaving to go to court. It's that I believed him. [Debbie's almost crying at this point, and hugs him.] [Woody's. The Boys watch some guywalk past in slow motion, so that we can all get a goodlook. He's watching them, they're watching him, etc.] Michael: What my tongue could do to his nipples. If I wassingle, of course. Ted: I'm right there with you. Emmett: Well, I'd like to thank you boys for leaving methe most tender, delectable morsel. Now that Brian's outof the picture, I might actually stand a chance. Michael: You not sound likes you gonna miss him. Emmett: Well, I certainly won't miss being told 'be gone'every time some hunk appears. Ted: I won't miss his little bolder about my age. Emmett: Although I did think that him referring to you asDead Man Walking was kind of amusing. Michael: Or knowing that you're always his plan B. Emmett: Or sometimes C. Ted: Or buying a shirt from the latest Calvin Kleincollection, and no one notices because everyone's staringat Brian's bare chest. Michael: Or forced the way outside the sexclub inFebruary, cause he needs a ride home? Emmett: That I also won't miss how he never takes shitfrom anyone. Ted: Or how he tells you the truth about yourself, evenif he is a tad harsh. Even though you should probablyhear it anyway. Michael: Or how he refuses to let you coast through your life. No, I'm not going to miss that one at all. [SCENE_BREAK] [Brian's loft. He lets the water run over him for awhile. He shakes his head like a dog.Then get up and get a cider and sit back down again. Cut to Justin at Brian's computer.] Justin: This is disgusting. This is just sick. Reallysick. Brian: Are you looking at those hetero p0rn sites, again?I told you, they're going to warp your young mind. Justin: It's not p0rn. It's the apartment retals in NewYork. I can't believe what they charging for thatshit-hole. Brian: You know, what they getting paying me I can affordthree-times that. [Brian's cell phone rings. It's Adam.] Adam: Brian, it's Adam's Lions calling from New York. Brian: Oh, hey. So I've been waiting for you. What's thedeal? Adam: The deal is... there is no deal. They decided topromote some twenty-five-year old hot shot. Look, I'mreally sorry. Brian: Don't worry. After reviewing all of my options, Idecided to go with...someone else. Adam: Well, then I don't feel so bad. So, hey, give me acall the next time when you're in the city. I'd love tohook up again. Brian: Yeah, sure. [David's. David has finallyreturned home, and Mike trots over to give him a big hugand kiss.] Michael: You didn't tell me your coming home tonight! David: Well, thank me. Michael: Your face is cold. So, how'd go? David: Well I convinced Hank not to quit the hockey team. Michael: Well that's a start. David: And he's agree to talk to a therapist. Michael: I knew you could help him. David: But mostly we just sat around, ate pizza, andwatched ESPN. Michael: That's the most important thing. Not what yousay or do; just being there. David: That's why I go back. Michael: We'll should. We have the summer. You go take atrip. David: No, I was thinking sooner. Michael: How much sooner? David: Right away. Michael: For how long? David: Well, I'm not sure. All I know is that he needs meand it's important that I'm be there. Michael: But what about your practice, and your friendsand the house? David: I was thinking about that on the fly home. I canlease the house for three years. One of my assistent cantake the practice. Lorie's has some friends who aredoctors. They provide my with referrals. Michael: So you practically get all that figured out. David: Well there is one thing I don't know what to dowith. Michael: Don't worry about me. I understand - Hank comesfirst. David: Well, it's not a race, Michael. There's no'first.' You're as important to me as he is. What I washoping... is that you would come with me. [Courtroom. Melanie and Vic areconferring with the D.A.] Mel: The Cop has lied before on three separate cases. D.A.: You have proof for this? Mel: Look up the records and here is a file from yourP.D. In each instance, he misconstrued, exaggerated, orin some cases completely lied in his police report,resulting in the judge calling a mistrial. Debbie: [to Michael] She's good. Michael: She's great. Emmett: Compared to her, I feel so ignorant. So useless. Ted: You are. On the other hand, she doesn't have yourheight, or your ability to wear chartreuse in thedaytime. D.A.: This is all compelling, but why would he do this? Mel: Seems he has a problem with gay people. Look, we cansave the court a lot of time and money. My client'sinnocent. He was in trap by this officer just like theother men. D.A.:Is this true? Vic: I may have done a lot of things in my life, but Inever exposed myself or enticed that officer. I know Imay not have much left. My health. My youth. My friends.But I still have my name. And I will fight to defend it. [An old movie theater. Brian andMike sit in the front row of the balcony, sharing ajoint.] Michael: [giggels] What we need is a huge vat of popcorn. Brian: One hit and you're high. That's pitiful. Michael: I am not high. [giggles] Yes, I am. [They appear to be watching "The Creature From theBlack Lagoon".] Michael: Man, when I think about all this Saturdayafternoons we spend here. Brian: Yeah, you used to buy tickets and let me in thefire exit. Michael: We're never got caught. Brian: This is where we saw "Indiana Jones and theTemple of Doom". Michael: And "Ghostbusters". And... Brian: The Fly. Michael: I can't believe they tear it down just formultiplex. Brian: Yeah, there aren't any balconies to get stoned in. Michael: When this place is gone, a part of us will begone, too. Brian: You get extremely maudlin when you're high. Michael: This is probably the last time you and I ever betogether. I mean you'll be in New York. Brian: And you'll be in Portland. Opposite ends of thefucking universe. Michael: I didn't say I go. Brian: Well, you should. Michael: Well, I'm not like you. I cannot just wake upone morning and say bumm, move on. No looking back. Noregrets. Brian: There is nothing for you here. Michael: This is my home. And even though it's not Parisor New York -- Brian: No sh1t! Michael: I lived here my entire life. It's all I know. Brian: Maybe it's time for you to learn something else,Michael. We're not fifteen anymore. Go with David. Getthe hell out of here. [And then Brian gives Mike a particularly non-platonickiss, against the movie sunset on the screen.] [Ted's. Blake has returned] Ted: Tell me everything. Blake: It was great. There are really nice. And Melanietook my to lunch. Ted: So, how about the guys? Any cute ones? Blake: One. Long story. He's married. [Ted starts undressing Blake] Ted: It's not that I'm jealous. I'm required to ask thatquestion by the Boyfriend's Workplace Act of 1991. Blake: And they already put me to the work on a reallyinteresting case. Ted: I am so proud of you. Blake: I'm kinda proud of myself. Ted: So, we were stay only few minutes after dinner andthen we'll come back consummate your return towhite-collar respectability. Blake: Who said we have to wait 'til later. Why are wetake a shower? Ted: Together?! [They start making out as Blake takes off his jacket.Blake pulls down his shorts and throws them to Ted. Tedgrins, shakes his head.] Ted: You know, you had a little more respect for yourclothes, young man. Need to hang these things up or theyget wrinkle all over the place... [He starts picking the suit pieces off the floor, teasingBlake, when he notices a little vial that's fallen out ofthe suit jacket -- a vial filled with crystal pieces. Tedlooks at the vial in horror.] Blake: Are you coming? Ted: Yeah. [Ted hurriedly puts the vial back where he found it, andruns into the bathroom with an apprehensive look on hisface.] [Vic's victory dinner. Everyoneapplauds Vic, who finally stands up and makes a speech.] Vic: Melanie is the one who should be congratulating. Shegot my case thrown out. Mel: You're the one who was so brave. Emmett: You were an inspiration, the way you stood up foryourself. Vic: Well after that terrible story you told my about thepoo men who was barried with an unworked grave... Debbie: What did you tell him? One of your southerngoddamn horror stories? Vic: You mean it wasn't true? Emmett: All of my stories are true. And if they're not,they should be. [He leans over so that Vic can give him a kiss on theforehead.] Blake: Just you say we're here only a few minutes? Ted: [nodds] Ok. We're gonna go. [Their goodbyes. In the middle of it, David suddenlystands up, hugs Vic, and leaves without saying a word toanyone else. Mike and Brian exchange a look, and Mikegets up to go after David, hugging Ted goodbye on theway.] Lindsay: They want you to start right away? Mel: Those guys on Madison Avenue move fast. Justin: So do the ones in Chelsea. Mel: Plenty of hearts to break in the big city. Lindsay: But you don't have to break them all at once.And call us once a while. Justin: Like the hell he would. Brian: Why don't you all just shut the f*ck up! I need acigarette. [Meanwhile, at the bar, David putting on his coat to go.Brian stumbles to the other end of the bar as Mike walksup to David.] David: You're a lucky guy. Michael: I am? David: Yeah. Everything you've got. Your friends and yourfamily. Michael: Yeah, I know. David: If you decide to go with me you be leaving morebehind. Michael: It's... it's a huge decision. David: Well, take your time and think about it. If youdecide not to go, I'll be very upset. But I'llunderstand. Michael: I've decided. I wanna go. David: You sure? Michael: No. [They hug and kiss, and David is very, very happy. Brianwatches, and then can't even summon the emotional energyto light his cigarette.]

Plan: A: Brian; Q: Who is chosen 'Ad person of the Year'? A: the Big Apple; Q: Where is Brian encouraged to take his talent? A: Vic; Q: Who appears in court to plead his case? A: Blake; Q: Who gets a job? A: David's ex-wife's divorce; Q: What takes David to Portland? Summary: Brian is chosen 'Ad person of the Year' and encouraged to take his talent to the Big Apple; Vic appears in court to plead his case; Blake gets a job; David's ex-wife's divorce takes him to Portland.

Dwight: I have the best survival stock shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that's about to expire. It's nice not to have to plan my meals. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: You're eating eight year old tomatoes? Dwight: They're still good for another week. Meredith: You know, I think I have some type of cheese in the back of my fridge you might like. [Jim smiles] Kevin: I've got some cheese you might like too. In between my toes. [all laugh] Dwight: Hardy har har. Okay picture this[/b]: Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound, you beg, Dwight! Please let me in! But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why? Jim: Because of the sign, that says no pounding no begging. Dwight: No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlord's gesture. Meredith will do ok. Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months. Jim: Three months. Dwight: Could be. Jim: Four months. Dwight: I can see that happening, yes. Jim: Eight months? Dwight: That's a realistic time line. Jim: [Pam kisses Jim on the cheek] Eleven months. Dwight: Perhaps. Jim: Okay now really think hard about this one[/b]: One year. Dwight: I can see that as a very real possibility. Jim: [time has obviously passed, as everyone is gone except Jim and Dwight] Four hundred and ninety-four months? Dwight: I can see that happening. Jim: Four hundred and ninety-FIVE months. That's just... [SCENE_BREAK] Todd: I really though I was becoming too much of a womanizer. I realized I had shirts in five different women's houses. Michael: Still not seeing the problem here. Todd: All right, truth is I gotta couple love bumps on my ding-dong so, game-over! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times. And now Packer wants to come home. And ohh, look who's here to sign off on it! My boo, Holly. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: [walks into conference room with Michael and Todd] Hi! Michael: Hi. [Holly and Michael kiss] Holly: You must be Todd. Todd: [shaking Holly's hand] Whoa! I'm sorry, Michael. I thought we were meeting Holly today, not Jennifer Aniston! Holly: [laughs oddly] Very funny. Okay let's get started. Todd: After you! Michael: Oh, Michael! This'll be just us. Michael: Oh, yes yes yes yes. Just so you know, he's at his funniest when you've given him five shots. Holly: All right. Michael: And it also helps if you've had five shots. Holly: I already have. Michael: Whoa! Jim: [to Michael] Why is Packer back? Michael: Is Packer here? Dwight: Why's he talking to Holly? Michael: [peering into conference room] Don't know, don't care. Holly: [to Todd] Michael loves you, and your sales speak for themselves. Todd: [excitedly] Oh! Michael: [sees Holly and Todd shaking hands in the conference room] Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him. Just kidding he wouldn't be interested in any of you. In all seriousness, Todd Packer, is a permanent salesman at this branch. And I would like to invite you to welcome him with open arms. Kevin: Yes! Jim: What!? Todd: It's great to be among friends, but until then, you suckers will do! Kevin: Nice! We got burned! Michael: You did! You got burned, because Packer's back! Packer is turning in his car for a desk. He is turning in his condoms, for a condominium! Although he's probably going to have to use condoms from here on out. Dwight: [seething] Holly, you approved this? Holly: Yes I did, I think Todd's gonna make a great addition to the staff. Jim: You did approve it? Holly: Yeah. Kevin: What don't you understand about the word approved? It seems some of you don't know what the word approved means. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I have very little patience for stupidity. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [walking in with Gabe behind her] Sorry we're late. Gabe fell in the shower. Gabe: I'm such a klutz! Erin: Yeah, it took the fire department forever to get there. [realizing there's a new computer at her desk. Gets very excited] Oh my God, where did this come from?! Who did this?! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I got Erin a new computer, because the one at reception sucked. I should know. And I don't wanna say the other one was old, but its I.P. number is one! [laughs sheepishly] Right? [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Thank you Pam. Pam: Awwh, you're welcome. [they hug] My pleasure. Jim: [Pam walks over to him and smiles excitedly while bouncing, Jim imitates her] Can I do something for ya? Pam: I just helped someone out. It feels good. Jim: Nice. You know, I cleaned our daughter for like, an hour at four a.m. this morning, so... Pam: So you know the feeling. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute. Dwight: I didn't order anything. Michael: And I don't have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we can't just sit around and wait for Creed to die. Dwight: Well there's a lot of seats in the annex. Michael: So you wouldn't mind permanently relocating, so that Packer can take this desk here. [Jim looks appalled] Todd: Thanks man, it'd mean a lot. Dwight: I have been sitting here for ten years, Michael. Todd: well I was there for twelve years. Plus my name's carved under the desk. Dwight: No it is not. Todd: Is too! Michael: [Grunting as he crawls under Dwight's desk. Dwight follows] Let's look at this. Todd: Check it out! Dwight: I don't wanna move desks! Michael: Don't be a baby! Okay! There it is. Packer was here and so was your mom! [Todd starts humping Dwight and Michael who are still under the desk. Jim: Do I have any say in this?! Michael: No! Todd: [grunting while humping Michael and Dwight] Don't even watch, Halpert! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [in the annex, moving into his new desk. Holds up a red tray with rocks on it] Hey, who's dirt box is this? Holly: Oh, that's our Zen garden. Dwight: What do you grow in here, bullcrap? [puts the tray into the garbage] Pam: [walking into the annex with Jim] Hey, um... Holly: Hey, what's up guys? Meredith: Don't what's up us! You think you're so cute, with your pretty blonde hair! Jim: Whoa, pull it back. Uhm, why did you hire Todd Packer? Holly: Uhm. Pam: He's seriously awful! Holly: Michael's recommendation was glowing! And, honestly, he's been nothing but nice to me! Meredith: That's how he gets you to take off his panties. Jim: [Pam starts nodding in agreement] Why are you nodding? Pam: United front... Holly: Okay, look. We can't fire someone because we don't like him. Ryan: Right this isn't the U.S. Government. Kelly: What are you referencing? Ryan: [seems unsure] Everything... Everything. Holly: Do any of you have any concrete complaints about something he's done? Jim: Well, I mean he humped Michael. Holly: Well if that's the case, I guess I've gotta be fired too. [all groan in disgust] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [looking at his computer, gasps] Hey! Hey you guys! The Armeth Regado video is up, gather around! [no one moves] Check it out! This guy's on a full beam reach. [watching a sailing video on his computer] They're hiking out like mad! Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up! Nice job! Ughh. [computer is frozen, taps the top of it] This computer's a hunk of jjunk. Erin: Hey sailor! Come watch it over here! [pats her new computer] Andy: Where did you get this?! Erin: Pam gave it to me! Andy: This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer! [to Pam, in a fake British accent] Uhhh, Pamela! What does a guy have to do to get, ahem, one of them? Pam: You have a computer Andy. Andy: Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become world famous as the slowest computer in Africa. So... Pam: Ok, but listen. We just don't have the budget for it. Okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one. Andy: Well Andy's desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it's just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but... Pam: Yes, but Reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy. Stanley: So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now? Andy: I'm not asking for one, I need it. Phyllis: If you're just handing them out, I want one too. Andy: Phyllis, no body is handing anything out. Pam: See, this is what I'm talking about. Andy: What are you gonna play mange on faster? Pam: Sorry Andy. [SCENE_BREAK] Todd: Hey what's going on you guys? [walking into the kitchen with Holly, Dwight, and Kevin, with whom he fist bumps] Yeahh! Three muska-queers! Kevin: [giggling] Mean but good! Holly: So, Todd, this must be nice for you getting off the road. You get to spend some time with your daughter. Todd: I don't know, I love her and all, but she turned into a bitch. Mostly she's great, but some days she acts like her mom. [Holly is un-amused] Holly: Well, some girls go through a phase. Kevin: Hey, your life is so insane! You should write a book! Todd: Since when did you learn how to read? Kevin: I do know how to read though! Todd: Yeah. You know how to read... a menu! Kevin: [Todd leaves. Kevin laughs uncertainly] He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight. Dwight: Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up and comer. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [walking through the office, notices Andy with Erin's computer set up at his desk] What the heck! Why do you have Erin's computer! Andy: It's crazy, right? Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched. Pam: What? Erin is that true? Erin: [nods] I just thought, he really needed a new computer, and he knew so much about that one. Pam: Erin, it's not up to you. This computer was for reception! Okay? It's not yours to give away. Andy: Pam, when I'm freaking out, I just sorta step back and- Pam: I'm not freaking out, Andy. Andy: -take a few breaths, and then I ask myself[/b]: Is this worth freaking out about? Pam: Andy, why should she have your crappy computer? Andy: That's interesting. So you also think my computer is crappy. Pam: Switch the computers back Andy. Andy: Seriously? Pam: Seriously. Andy: Pam! Come on! Pam: Now please. Andy: Fine! [the office goes back to their work] Please make sure no one is humping me! Erin: [to Holly who is walking by] Oh! If you're going back to the annex, could you take these to Dwight? I think the ants are waking up. They need to start farming soon. [picks up an ant farm and tube of ants from her desk, Holly takes them] Thanks. Michael: Best day ever. Best day ever! Holly: So much happening. [not as excited as Michael] Michael: Question, should I get stripes shaved on the side of my head? Holly: No! No. Michael: Please. Holly: Did Todd tell you to do that? Michael: Yeah, You love him right? [Holly seems unsure] You love him. I can tell. Holly: I love you. Michael: No. Not me, him. Holly: That's certainly opinionated. Erin: [looking anxious] If you're not gonna take the ants over I should probably just do it myself. Holly: Oh I'm going. Michael: Whoa! Look, are you jealous of him? Because you think he's funnier than you? Oh honey... Holly: I don't think he's funnier than me. Michael: He's funnier than me. Holly: No, he's not funny at all. Michael: So I'm less funny than not funny at all? Erin: [very anxious at this point] Gee! Uh oh! I think the ants are starting to eat each other! Holly: No, what I'm saying is, he's not funny, but you're funnier than he is. Michael: [seems taken aback] Uhm... Holly: Ok[/b]: Bill Cosby [puts the ant tube high up. Each time she mentions a name it gets lower], Steve Martin, Charlie Bit My Finger, Michael Scott, then all the way down here [tube takes a jump to the bottom] Todd Packer. Michael: That's insane! Holly: Honey, he's a jerk. Erin: [getting up and walking towards them, worriedly] For Pete's sake it just needs to be done! [takes the ant farm and tube from Holly and heads towards the annex] [SCENE_BREAK] Todd: [to Jim] So you two are married to each other now, right? Jim: Yeah. Todd: That's sweet. How's the s*x? Jim: [continues working] Dwight: [walks towards Todd] Hey Packer, I made you some hot chocolate. Todd: Why? Dwight: 'Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife. Jim: That's a lot of reasons! [suspicious] Dwight: Drink it! Todd: I think I'll pass. The only hot chocolate I'm into is Viva A Fox. [winks] Jim: [interrupts Dwight trying to force feed Todd] Can I talk to you a second? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So, this hot chocolate thing. Dwight: None of your business. Jim: Well, you know you can't actually poison him. Dwight: It wasn't poison Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle this. Jim: I really think we should join forces on this one. Dwight: Really. Jim: What do we think, what would drive him crazy. Dwight: I know. Jim: Here we go. Dwight: Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate. Jim: You've gotta stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, then he can see everything in them but he can't get to them. Dwight: [mocking] Ooh does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn't annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff? Jim: Okay! Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it's his own number. Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver? Jim: He... It's a crime fighting beaver. Dwight: Why don't you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that? Jim: Absolutely, I'll e-mail you a hundred. Dwight: Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I'll read it over. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Pam. Can I talk to you in private? Pam: I don't know if there's really a private place in this office. Andy: Well they put a sign-up sheet on the conference room and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes. And it started two minutes ago. Pam: [looking confused] You did that? Andy: Can we talk about this in the meeting? Because we're a little late. Pam: Okay. [walks to conference room with Andy and stares at the sign up sheet with wonder] When did people sign- Andy: Mind if I close the door? [after shutting door in the conference room] What you did out there, earlier, was totally un-cool. Pam: Well what was I supposed to do, let you walk all over me? Andy: You humiliated me in front of every body! Pam: Okay, well I didn't think about it like that. It's just, I can't do anything about it. I can't replace that one unless that computer breaks. Andy: I mean, it's pretty broken already. Pam: Yeah, well if it breaks all the way I can get you a new one. Andy: [looks at her knowingly] Pretty sneaky sis. [knocking on conference room door] Ryan: [walking in] Hey cats, we got a jazz session in mod six, nine, and twelve. [Pam and Andy exit as Ryan and others holding saxophones walk in, Pam looks at the sign up sheet in awe] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [to Jim, the two are alone in the annex] There are over four hundred of these! [indicating a packet of paper] Jim: Yeah I couldn't cut it down. Dwight: They're all good. So good! Number three[/b]: eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four[/b]: eat a dog. I don't know, um, from practical stand point- Jim: One thirty-five. Did you like one thirty-five? Dwight: Eat a brog. Maybe it's because I didn't understand it. I just had a couple of notes, let me grab a pen. [Dwight tries to open up a drawer on his desk but it only goes out two inches] Damn it. Gah! Just when we were getting going. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [Andy is seen clicking random things and warning boxes pop up. He pours coffee on his keyboard, puts bologna with mustard in his CD drive, and many other computer harming things] Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes please! Bit torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? [mock baby voice] Oh I hope you don't get sick Mr. Computer. [computer voice] Why are you doing this to me Andy? [normal voice again] Because I hate your programs! [SCENE_BREAK] Todd: [at Hank's with Michael, talking to Hank] And a '76 that's good to boot, I like that. [Hank smiles] Michael: And you made Hank smile, that doesn't happen often. You're very charming. That is something you should take upstairs, and use on people that really matter. [Hank looks irritated again] Todd: Why? Michael: I don't know, Holly mentioned that there were some complaints. And that you had said some things about Kevin. Todd: Holly said that? Michael: Yeah. Holy: She was laughing hysterically that whole time! Michael: I guess you said something weird about your daughter? Todd: She asked me, Michael! It would've been rude not to answer. Michael: You've been on the road a long time. And you've been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can't be peeing all over the walls. Todd: Michael, can I open the kamomo with you. I've been on the road too long. But, I wanna connect with my daughter. And it's not right to call her a bitch in front of strangers. Michael: No it isn't. Todd: You're right. I gotta watch my behavior. Michael: Yeah, a little bit. Todd: Don't give up on me. Michael: I won't. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Michael and Todd are walking into the office] Okay, every body. I need you to see this. Because maybe there is somebody here that you all underestimated, who will surprise you. Todd Packer, is going to apologize. Kevin! Front and center, come here. Kevin: I got a lot of numbers here to put together. Michael: Kevin, we know that you are just trying to save face, we know that you are hurt and embarrassed. Kevin: That's silly. If anything, I should be apologizing to Packer. Because we all know I can dish it, as good as I can take it. Michael: Okay, sweetie, no. You shouldn't be apologizing to Packer. That doesn't make any sense. You ready for this? You ready for this? Gentlemen, start your engines. Todd: I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier. Kevin: Well, like I said, I wasn't offended, but I'll stand here for the big show. Michael: Kevin, do you accept the apology? Kelly: Don't do it Kevin, that's the fake kind of apology. Michael: Okay, go back to the annex. Kelly: This is textbook. It's so uncool. Ryan does this to me all the time. Like it's some offense to have feelings. Don't do it Kevin. Ryan: [muttering] Sometimes you over react. Oscar: Michael how's this supposed to work? Packer's gonna keep saying terrible things, and then he's just gonna make half-assed apologies. And we're back to square one. Todd: Okay. You want an apology? Here it goes. Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny, and you are a genius. Michael: That-That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent's expectations, Andy. [Andy looks confused and shrugs] Angela loves pussy cats, and Packer loves- Angela: [cutting in] No! Don't! Michael: I was going to say dogs! Okay, you know what, this is over! Apology has been issued! And we're through with it. Packer will be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [in a car with Andy, by the dumpster you can see a new computer box] So listen, we have to really scuff this up. Andy: No no no no no! We can say that the previous owner was a neat-freak. Or an elegant old lady and she just kept it around in case her grand-kids came to visit, but they died and they never came, I think I'm gonna make myself cry. Pam: Andy, this is the deal we made. Andy: [watching Pam scrap his computer] That's probably good. That's enough. Pam: We should break this hinge maybe. Andy: Let's not go crazy. [SCENE_BREAK] Todd: Well thanks, will do. Jim: [using fake Southern accent, on the phone with Todd Packer, Dwight is also with Jim] Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the gate, but what you're gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool. [Michael walks in on Jim and Dwight] Todd: That sounds weird. Jim: It is weird! Look at you, perceptive. Now I know why Jo's kept her eye on you! Dwight: [also In southern accent] And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World. Jim: [trying to stop him] Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you! Dwight: Harry Potter World is supposed to be faaantastic! [SCENE_BREAK] Todd: Apparently, as soon as corporate found out I wanted to come in off the road, Jo offered me a cushy new job in Tallahassee. And here's the best part. I'm a huge alligator nerd. I can name you every genus, every sub species. Also I'm a huge boob nerd. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and we'll get ya' back! Michael: What are you doing? Jim: [trying to hide from Michael what they're doing, he picks up the phone and talks directly into it] All right, so just pack your bags and, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks! Bye now! [hangs up] Michael: I cannot believe this, you're sending Packer to Florida? Why? Jim: He's a jerk. Dwight: He took my desk. Michael: Okay, so you're tricking him into flying to Florida? Dwight: It wasn't my first choice, Jim had so many better ideas. Michael: You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did. Dwight: No, no, no. That is not part of the plan. That is actually anti-what we're doing. Michael: He is my oldest friend, I am going to tell him. Jim: Wait! Why don't we come up with a plan we're all happy about? [Michael leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [plugging in new computer, acting to make people think he got a bad computer] Pam, how is this thing even any better than my old computer? Pam: Come on Andy! I mean you said you wanted a new computer and this is the best I could do! Andy: Where'd you even find this thing, like, in the corner in the warehouse? Pam: Yes, I found it in a shelf in the corner of the warehouse. [Darryl gives the camera an odd look] Andy: All right, well thank you for my garbage computer. [Andy turns it on and looks amazed, clearly happy with it] [SCENE_BREAK] Todd: [walking into Michael's office] You're looking at the new face of corporate. Gonna put the "ass", in Tallahassee! Michael: Yes, about that. Todd: Well we gotta go out and celebrate, tonight! Michael: Well... I don't know if that's a good idea. Todd: Do you have a ball and chain? Michael: No, nothing like that at all. Todd: Listen, I'm gonna tell you something that none of these people have the stones to tell you. It's your girlfriend, man. She's uptight. Michael: Sorry? Todd: I know this stuff can hurt, but I wish someone had said something to me about my ex-wife. All I'm saying is about a month or so, meet me down in Florida, I'll introduce you to all the local [spanks the air] talent. Michael: [thinks a moment] Sounds great. Todd: It's gonna be so good. Michael: That is. [Jim sees them and looks happy] It's gonna be awesome. I think you're really going to enjoy it down there. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: I'm sorry about your friend. Michael: Nah, he's an ass. Holly: [Brooklyn accent] You ahh. Michael: [imitating] You ahh. Holly: What ah you wicked smaht? Michael: No you ahh. Holly: Who ahh? Michael: [kisses her and speaks normally again] You ahh. [SCENE_BREAK] Daryl: So this new computer you found in the warehouse. Pam: Yep. Lucked out. Daryl: Yeah, you really did. 'Cause I know every INCH of that warehouse. Pam: Yep, super lucky. Daryl: Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days. Pam: [hesitating at the bribe] Yeah. You know what , I think I saw ONE sick day down there. Daryl: Really? 'Cause I think maybe I saw five. Pam: Three. [Daryl nods] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I'm full on corrupt!

Plan: A: Traveling salesman Todd Packer; Q: Who is Todd Packer? A: David Koechner; Q: Who played Todd Packer? A: Dunder Mifflin; Q: Where does Todd Packer come looking for a job? A: a desk job; Q: What kind of job does Todd Packer want? A: Erin; Q: Who gets a new computer? A: Andy; Q: Who confronts Pam to get a new computer? A: computer problems; Q: What is Andy dealing with? A: office administrator Pam; Q: Who does Andy confront to get a new computer? A: Jim and Dwight team; Q: Who teams up to get rid of Packer? A: Michael; Q: Who changes his mind about Packer when he insults Holly? Summary: Traveling salesman Todd Packer ( David Koechner ) comes to Dunder Mifflin looking for a desk job in the office. However, the office is unsure if they want him to work there due to his previous behaviour. When Erin gets a new computer, Andy who is also dealing with computer problems, confronts office administrator Pam to get him a new one too. Jim and Dwight team up to get rid of Packer. Michael who has previously idealized Packer, changes his mind about him when he insults Holly.

SCENE: Past, the year 2001. Land Without Magic. Portland. A deserted amusement park. A young Emma Swan is waiting for someone. After a while Neal Cassidy approaches her carrying one coffee to go in each hand. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: You said you owed me a drink. I thought we'll met in a place like a bar. A restaurant. Or some place - you know - with chairs. Neal: Patience. I've got something better in mind. Here. Hold this. (He hands Emma his coffee. Neal kneels down. Using a wire he opens the locked door. Emma watches him.) Emma: What the hell are you doing? Neal: Tumblers. It's all about the tumblers. (Neal succeeds. He opens the door.) Come on. It's worth it. I promise. (They enter. Neal switches on the carousel's lights.) What did I tell you? Emma: Yeah, alright. It's pretty cool. Neal: Come on. Hop on. (Emma sits down. Neal takes a seat in front of her.) Emma: So, what's your story, Neal? Neal: That's an interesting choice of words. My „story" is that I left a screwed up situation and that kind of screwed me up. Emma: Crappy home life? I get that. Neal: Nah, it wasn't always. It- That's the problem. It was really great once. Emma: So, why don't you go back to try and fix it? Neal: I can't really go back. It's my father. Emma: Bad guy? Neal: Not at first. But he changed. That's when things got really crazy. But before that? It was home. It was nice. That's how you know you've really got a home: When you leave it, there's that feeling that you can't shake. You just miss it. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Enchanted Forest. Past. Dark Palace. The dungeon. A guard pushes Emma roughly into a cell and locks the door behind her. An imprisoned woman speaks up to Emma. [SCENE_BREAK] Woman: Are you alright? Emma: Yeah, I think so. Thanks. I'm Leia. Woman: I wish I could say, it was nice to meet you. Emma: Yeah, but under the circumstances, I get it. What's your name? Woman: I dare not speak in here. The Queen doesn't know who I am. My silence is the only thing keeping my family safe. Emma: She's pretty ruthless, huh? Here. (Through the bars Emma hands the prisoner a roll.) Are you hungry? I swiped it of a food tray on my way down. (The prisoner stands up and takes the roll. The woman notices Emma's surprised look.) Woman: What? What is it? Emma: I saw you in the village. With the Queen. I wanted to help but- Woman: It's alright. If you had tried to free me you'd just ended up in here a day sooner. Emma: What did she put you in here for? Woman: I knew where Snow White was hiding. But I refused to tell the Queen. Emma: You gave up your freedom to ensure Snow White's? Woman: (nods) Yeah. I believe her to be innocent. Emma: How long are you in for? Woman: Same as you. Just one more night. Emma: Really? One night? Why? Is Regina going soft? Woman: No. One night, because tomorrow everyone in here is to be executed. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Enchanted Forest. Past. Snow White walks a short distance before she's caught in a net. Laughing Prince Charming reveals himself to her. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince Charming: I told you I'd find you. No matter what you do I will always find you. Snow White: Is this the only way you can catch a woman? By entrapping her? Prince Charming: It's the only way to catch thieving scum. Snow White: (chuckles) Aren't you a real Prince Charming? Prince Charming: I have a name, you know. Snow White: Don't care. Charming suits you. Now cut me down, Charming. Prince Charming: Why would I do that? (showing her a Wanted poster) Snow White. Relax. I'm not gonna turn you in. All I want is the ring you stole. Snow White: Not the jewelry type. Prince Charming: Indeed. I noticed. Snow White: I don't have your ring. Prince Charming: Then, why don't I believe you? (Hook emerges from the woods.) Hook: You should. She's telling the truth, mate. (making a bow) Prince Charles. Lovely ball the other night. The mutton was a tad overcooked, but that happens. Snow White doesn't have your ring. But I can tell you who does. My princess. And I need your help to get her back. Prince Charming: She has my ring? That's two women who robbed me. Where is she? Hook: Well, that's the problem. The Queen's castle. Snow White: Actually, that's not a problem at all. I know it well. It used to be mine. I can get us in there, but not from up here. So you let me down, (to Hook) you get your princess, (to Charming) you get your ring and I never have to see your charming face again. (Prince Charming cuts her down.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Enchanted Forest. Past. Prince Charming, Snow White and Hook are on their way to the Dark Palace. Snow White sits uncomfortably in the cart. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Apologies, lass. (Prince Charming chuckles) Snow White: You're really enjoying this, aren't you, Charming? Prince Charming: It is not my fault your face is plastered on every tree in the forest. What's that around your neck? I thought you were not the jewelry type? Snow White: Don't worry about it. (Prince Charming grabs her necklace) No. Careful. That's a weapon. Prince Charming: Dust? Snow White: Fairy dust. From a dark fairy. It transforms the most fearsome adversaries into a form that's easily squashed. I'm saving it for a special someone. Prince Charming: The Queen? Snow White: Those charges on her posters are lies. Didn't stop her from trying to kill me. That's why I'm trying to get out of this kingdom. That's why I tried to steal from you. To secure passage on a pirate ship. Prince Charming: What did you do to incur the Queens wrath? Snow White: She blames me for ruining her life. Prince Charming: Did you? Snow White: Yes. Hook: We're here. Snow White: We're gonna need help to get past the guards. Wait here. We go at night. I'll be back with help. (Snow White leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Nightfall. Prince Charming and Hook wait for Snow's return. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: You're exited for your nuptials? Prince Charming: I'm marrying Midas' daughter. What's not to be excited about? Hook: I don't mean to pry, mate, but you don't exactly look like a man who's doing this by choice. Prince Charming: Mm. I always thought I'd marry for love. (slightly shakes his head) And here I am about to enter into what amounts to a business transaction. A merger of two kingdoms. (sighs) I don't know this whole ordeal makes me wonder if there's even such a thing as true love. Hook: I once felt as you did, mate. All it took was meeting the right person and everything changed. Prince Charming: Princess Leia? The one we're rescuing? Hook: Aye. I'd to go to the end of the world for her. Or time. Prince Charming: And she for you, I take it? Hook: (chuckles and shakes his head) I don't know. Prince Charming: What's the problem? Hook: There are many complications. Prince Charming: Family? Because my father is making things quite difficult for me. Hook: Aye. There's that. I'm not so sure her parents approve of me. Prince Charming: Given the length you've gone to save her, they'd be crazy not to. Hook: Hope, you remember that. (Rustling) Prince Charming: (standing up, he draws his sword) What the hell was that? Hook: (unsheathes his saber) I think we're about to find out. Prince Charming: Hey! Who the hell are you? Red: Name is Red. I'm a friend of Snow's. She sent me to help you get into the Queen's castle. Hook: How? Red: You'll see. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Dark Palace. The dungeon. Her cellmate watches Emma looking at Prince Charming' s ring. [SCENE_BREAK] Woman: What's that? Emma: It's my parents'. I guess you could call it their wedding ring. Woman: And they entrusted you with it? Emma: Sort of. I need to get it back to them. Woman: Being away from family is a terrible, terrible thing. Emma: Yeah, it is. Woman: The longer I'm separated from them. the pain doesn't dull. It worsens. Maybe, cause I know I'll never see them again. Emma: If my mom was here she would tell me to have hope. Maybe, you should, too. Who knows, maybe you will end up with them again. Woman: I don't think so. I'm fairly certain, they already think that I'm dead. And soon that' ll be true. (Emma notices a spoon lying on the ground in her cell.) Emma: Maybe not. Give me your spoon. (Emma entwines a wire around both spoons shaping it to a tool) Woman: What are you doing? Emma: It's all about the tumblers. (Using the wire Emma opens her cell door.) Woman: You did it. (Emma leaves her cell and hesitates for a moment.) What are you waiting for? Go! Get out of here! Go! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Dark Palace. Near the dungeons. A guard is standing watch. Growling a wolf approaches him. Drawing his sword to fight the wolf the guard is unaware that Prince Charming strikes a blow at his feet. The guard loses his balance and is knocked unconscious. Carefully, Hook advances, holding Red's cloak in one hand. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: I'm glad the wolf is on our side. (Hook throws the cloak on Red.) Prince Charming: She's a fearsome one. (sheaths his sword.) Better hurry. When he awakes, they'll be onto us. Red: Wait. Someone is coming. Hook: (drawing his sword) Swan. Emma: Hook. Hook: What the hell are you doing? You're depriving me of a dashing rescue. Emma: Sorry. The only one who saves me is me. Speaking of which (slipping the ring off her finger) I'm not gonna be around much longer unless we find where this belongs. Prince Charming: I think that belongs to me. Emma: You guys have a way out of here? Red: Follow me. Snow told me where to meet her. Woman: (walks past Emma) Thank you, Leia. Hook: (falling behind in order to speak with Emma) Swan, you didn't. Emma: She was to be executed in the morning. I couldn't just leave her there to die. Hook: Actually, if she's to die, she pretty much has to. Prince Charming: I hate to break up a reunion but we have to keep moving. We have to find Snow White. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Dark Palace. Regina's private chambers. Snow White sneaks in, ready to throw the dark fairy dust. The Evil Queen takes a closer look at an apple. Looking into her mirror the Evil Queen notices the movement and recognizes Snow White. [SCENE_BREAK] The Evil Queen: I didn't think you were dumb enough to sneak back into your own home. (standing up) But, then again, I suppose, you were dumb enough to lose it. Snow White: Don't come any closer. The Evil Queen: You think I'm scared of fairy dust? Snow White: This is dark fairy dust. The Evil Queen: How did you get that? Snow White: Doesn't matter. What matters is, I intend to use it on you. The Evil Queen: Do you really think turning me into a bug will stop me? Snow White: No, but stepping on you will. The Evil Queen: You plan to kill me? I don't think you have that in you, Snow White. (Snow White throws the dust. Raising a hand the Evil Queen causes the dust to fall harmlessly to the ground.) Dark magic is my strong suit. Not yours. Guards! It's about time you suffer as I did. Snow White: It was a mistake, Regina. I didn't know telling your mother about Daniel would mean she would stop your marriage. I was a child! The Evil Queen: (angry) A child who didn't learn the most basic lesson. All actions have consequences. Snow White: You can kill me, Regina, but this kingdom will never be yours. The Evil Queen: (to guards) She dies tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Dark Palace. Red, Hook, Prince Charming, Emma and her cellmate wander through the upper floor of the castle. Below them preparations are made to burn Snow White at the stake. Hook watches the scene through a broken window. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: What is it? Did you find Snow? Hook: I'm afraid so. Emma: We have to get down there before it's too late. Prince Charming: I don't think we can. (Snow White is tied to a stake.) Emma: No. (Hook puts his arm around Emma. Throwing a magicial fire ball the Evil Queen lights the stake. Emma sobs. Smiling The Evil Queen watches the stake burn.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. In the woods. A lone wolf howls. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: After my brother passed, all I could do was relive that final terrible moment. Don't do that to yourself, love. All we can do in times like these is try to live in the here and now. Emma: Here and now. I'm still here. How's that possible. We saw her die. Which means I would never be born. Hook: You should have faded from existence. Emma: Exactly. Hook: Well, then perhaps - Emma: She's still alive. If Snow is out there, we have to find her. Hook: (tries to shoo off a ladybug) Cursed vermin. We should head back to the Queen's castle. Take a look around. (Again he tries to shoo of the lady bug.) Perhaps it's a trick by Regina. Emma: No. Whatever happened. Regina thinks Snow is dead. (The lady bug lands on Emma's arm.) Hook: Stay still, love. (Hook wants to crush the bug, when Prince Charming stops him.) Prince Charming: Wait! Don't harm that thing. When we were coming to rescue you, Snow told me what her dust would do to the Queen. She said it would turn her into a form that could easily be squashed. (Gently he picks the lady bug from Emma's shoulder) A bug. Emma: (doubtful) You think Snow turned herself into that? Prince Charming: Well, if she timed it right, she could have escaped that fireball. Faked her death and flown away. (takes a closer look at the bug) Yeah, that's her. Just need to find a way to bring her back. (The bug buzzes) Emma: (leans closer) She's saying something. Hook: Wonderful. Anyone fluent in bug? (The Blue Fairy emerges from the woods.) Blue Fairy: She's calling for me. Emma: Blue. Blue Fairy: That's right. And you are? Emma: Leia. Blue: No, that's not it. But your secrets can be yours. I sense it's better that way. Red: Can you bring Snow back? Blue Fairy: Dark magic did this to her. (nods) Light magic can undo it. (Using her wand she transforms the bug into Snow White. Prince Charming laughs.) Emma: (hugs Snow White in relief) You're alive! Snow White: (flinches a little) Oh. It appears so. Thank you. Red: Snow? Snow White: (hugs Red) Red. I'm so glad to see you. (Crying Emma watches Prince Charming Red and Snow.) Hook: (steps closer wiping away Emma's tears) Looks like we're back on track, love. Emma: (nods) Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Snow White hugs Red and then approaches Prince Charming. [SCENE_BREAK] Snow White: I suppose I should thank you. You saved me. Prince Charming: Well, it seemed like the honorable thing to do. Snow White: I'm going to the stream to get some water. I can fill you canteen, if you'd like. Prince Charming: (he hands her his bottle) Thanks. Emma (overhearing the conversation): They're warming up to each other. This is good. This' ll work. Hook: That may be, Swan. But we have another problem. (Hook nods towards Emma's former cellmate who sits in the distance.) Emma: I had to save her. Hook: Sure, you did the noble thing, but she's supposed to be dead. Her presence in the Enchanted Forest could have unforeseen consequences. Emma: She's just a sweet, innocent woman. Hook: What, if she had a child who grows into a mass murderer? Or she gets tipsy some night and rides her horse into one of the dwarves and there are only six of them? Who knows? We're best not finding out. She doesn't belong here. Emma: I know exactly what we can do. Take her with us. Woman: The future? Emma: You can't stay here. You were supposed to die hours ago. Woman: I don't understand. I just wanna get back to my family. Hook: They need to believe you're dead. Because that's what they've always thought. Emma: Trust us. Woman: All due respect, I don't trust you. Or believe you. So, unless you're kidnapping me I'm going to go find my family. (Emma walks around her knocking her unconscious with a twig. Hook catches the body.) Emma: Well, then, I guess we're kidnapping you. Hook: (chuckles) I always knew there was a little pirate in you, Swan. Prince Charming: (noticing the body lying on the ground) What happened to her? Emma: She's uh resting. What's up? Prince Charming: Has either one of you seen Snow? She went to the stream but she hasn't- (He quickly searches his pocket) The ring. She took it. Emma: Really? Do you know where she might be headed? Prince Charming: She was seeking passage on a pirate ship. There's only one way to get to the harbor from here. The Troll Bridge. Emma: Oh, no. (Emma heads after Prince Charming) Hook: (stops her) Swan, wait. The bridge. Isn't that where you want them to be? Isn't that where Snow saved your father from the trolls? Emma: Yes, but the only reason she was able to do that was because she had a weapon. The dust. Hook: Which she's already used on herself. Bloody hell. Emma: Come on. They gonna need help. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. The Troll Bridge. One troll has captured Snow White and threatens her with a knife. Prince Charming fights a second troll. The troll manages to strike a blow against Charming' s hand. His sword falls to the ground. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince Charming: Alright. Alright. (The troll picks his satchel. Searching he finds the Wanted poster. He shows it around, laughing) Troll 1: Snow White. (to Troll 3) Tell the Queen she still lives. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Running Hook and Emma head to the Troll Bridge. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. The Troll Bridge. The troll pushes his captive over to the other troll and prepares to leave. Catching Snow White the second troll his unaware that Prince Charming picks up his sword again. Prince Charming fights the tolls. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince Charming: (to Snow White) Go! I'm right behind you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Running Hook and Emma head to the Troll Bridge. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Snow White heads away from the Troll Bridge. [SCENE_BREAK] Snow White: Follow me. They don't know the forest like I do. (stops. Turning around Snow White notices that Prince Charming is in trouble. She is about to use the fairy dust as a weapon but it's empty. The trolls prepare to behead Prince Charming.) Troll 1: Royal blood is the sweetest of all. Snow White: Stop! Drop the sword or I will turn you all into bugs. (holding out her hand) Dark fairy dust. So, you let him go,or I will be peeling you all off the bottom of my boots. (she reaches back intending to throw) Troll 2: (drops his sword) We don't want any trouble. Snow White: Good. And while you are at it, give me reason to forget this ever happened. (One troll lays out her silver on the bridge's railing. The trolls exit.) Prince Charming: You saved me. Snow White: It was the honorable thing to do. Prince Charming: But how? You used the dust on yourself. Snow White: (shrugs) Sand. Trolls aren't exactly known for their cleverness. (Prince Charming chuckles.) Come on. We should go. In case they come back. (Snow takes her silver.) Hook: (watches Snow and Charming leave the bridge. To Emma.) Wait. Prince Charming: So, you probably want this. (hands her the pouch) Snow White: Right, the gold. Hook: It appears your parents didn't need our help after all. Snow White: And, um, you can't get married without this. (hands Prince Charming his satchel) Prince Charming: (takes his mother's ring out of the satchel) I know, not your style, right? Snow White: Oh, there's only one way to find out. (takes the ring from him slips it on, and then takes a closer look at it.) Yeah, not me at all. I'm sure your fiancee will love it. (Watching her parents Emma smiling silently cries) Hook: It's okay, Swan. Not everyone gets the chance to watch their parents fall in love. Prince Charming: Well, wherever you are going, be careful. If you need anything- Snow White: you'll find me. Prince Charming: Always. (He hands Snow her bundle.) Snow White: I almost believe that. (Snow White and Prince Charming walk away heading in opposite directions) Hook: They're heading away from each other. Emma: No, it's okay. That's how it happened the first time. It took my parents a while to accept their feelings. Hook: Must run in the family. (Emma takes Henry's storybook out of Hook's bag and opens it. One by one writing and pictures telling the story appear again.) Emma: Look. We did it. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Dark Palace. The Evil Queen's private chambers. To the Evil Queen's feet three cockroaches run back and forth. [SCENE_BREAK] The Evil Queen: (to a frightened guard) Do you know what this is? (pointing at the cockroaches) This is what happens to people - or in this case trolls - who fail me. (The Evil Queen steps on one cockroach crushing it) Find Snow White. I shall destroy her happiness. If it is the last thing I do. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Dark Castle. Emma and Hook, carrying Emma's cellmate, enter. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: We did it. Rumplestiltskin: (prepares a potion) You're parents are together? Emma: They're right back on track. We're ready to go. Rumplestiltskin: I see. (notices Emma's cellmate) And you brought some luggage. Emma: Long story. So, how's the portal coming? Can you open it? Rumplestiltskin: I cannot. Emma: Then what are you working on? Rumplestiltskin: Oh, this is for me. A forgetting potion. I know too much about my future. The only way to protect it, is to forget it. Emma: Well, what about this wand? You said that could help us. Rumplestiltskin: Oh, that. Well, apparently, only those who used the portal can reopen it. So unless you can wield magic, I'm afraid, you're going nowhere. (throws the wand to Emma) Can you? (Emma remains silent starring at the wand.) Thought not. Hook: So, you just expect us to stay here? What about protecting your precious future? Rumplestiltskin: That's exactly what I'm going to do. Hook: (draws his saber) He means to kill us, Swan. Rumplestiltskin: (giggles) No. I mean to put you someplace safe. Someplace even I dare not go. Where I store the magic that is too dark or unpredictable even for me. Emma: Rumplestilts- (A purple cloud covers Hook and Emma.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Dark Castle. Rumplestiltskin's vault. Emma walks around the room trying to orientate herself. Hook puts Emma's cellmate down on a table. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: No. Hook: (taking a look into a mirror standing in the room he notes that Rumplestiltskin undid the glamor spell he provided them with) At least he did us one favor. I'm devilishly handsome again. (Pleased he smiles. Hook opens a cupboard standing beside the mirror and takes out the urn stored inside.) Emma: (turning around) Wait! Don't touch anything! If Rumple is afraid of this stuff, there's gotta be a reason. Hook: (places the urn on another table) I'm just trying to figure a way out. Emma: (desperate) I don't think there is one. And, what's the point. You heard what he said. Hook: But you can. All he said we need is magic. You're the savior, Swan. You can do it. Emma: Not anymore. I lost it. Hook: When Zelena died, all of her spells were undone. Your powers should have been restored. Emma: Believe me, if I could make it work, I would. (angry) You think, I'm faking it? Hook: I think not having magic makes it a lot of easier for you to run back to New York and pretend to be somebody else. But listen to me, Swan. You're not. It's time to stop running. Emma: You think, I don't know that? Yes, I run away. That's how I always survived. But, believe me, I want this to work. I wanna go back. I wanna stop running. Hook: What's changed your mind? Emma: Watching my mother die. Thinking she was dead. You saw what happened. I was so relieved when she was okay. And I hugged her. And you know what I saw in her eyes? Nothing. She didn't know who I was. (Her voice breaks.) I had saved her and lost her, too. And that's what I've been doing to her since I met her. It's got to stop. When Henry brought me to Storybrooke he told me I was the savior. I didn't see what he was really doing: He was not bringing me back to break a curse. He was bringing me home. Neal was right. Hook: About what? Emma: You don't have a home until you just miss it. Being with my parents the last few days, but not really being with them? I've never missed them more. Storybrooke. That's my home. (Hook gives Emma a smile.) What? Hook: Look down. (Looking down Emma notices that the wand in her hand glimmers brightly) I'd say you've got your magic back. Now, shall we go? (Concentrating Emma reopens the portal. Hook picks up Emma's cellmate) Yup. Well done, Swan. (He goes through the portal. Emma is about to follow him when Rumplestiltskin appears behind her.) Rumplestiltskin: You opened it. (grabs Emma's hand) Wait. Emma: (struggles to break free) Let me go. Rumplestiltskin: My son. What happens when I find him? Emma: I thought you wanted to forget. Rumplestiltskin: Before I do, I need to know. Does he forgive me? Emma: Yes. Rumplestiltskin: Yes, but what? What aren't you telling me? Tell me or you will never leave. Emma: He dies. He forgives you. He loved you. He died to save all of us. Don't let it be in vain. Rumplestiltskin: No. I can change what happened. I can save my boy. Emma: You think you can change the future, but you might make it worse. I loved him, too. I wanted to save him. He died a hero. You can't take that away from him. You have to drink the potion. You have to forget everything I just told you. (Drinking up the potion Rumplestiltskin loses his grip on Emma. Emma gets sucked into the portal just as it is about to close. The urn gets sucked into the portal as well. Rumplestiltskin remains behind) Rumplestiltskin: (picks up the wand, confused.) What the hell am I doing in here? (Magically, he transfers himself elsewhere leaving the vault.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. The warehouse A cellphone rings. The time portal opens and Hook lands on the ground. He groans. A few moments later Emma lands in Storybrooke as well. Hook helps her to her feet. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Oh, God. (noticing her cellmate, to Hook.) Hey, do me a favor. Fill her in. Make sure, she doesn't freak out. Hook: Where are you going? Emma: I have some people I need to see. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Granny's Diner. Emma enters. She walks over to her parents and hugs them. [SCENE_BREAK] Mary Margaret: Emma. Hey. David Nolan: You weren't answering your cellphone. We were worried. Emma: I'm fine. I'm home. Mary Margaret: Do you mean that you're not leaving? Emma: No. I'm not going anywhere. Henry: (happy) We're staying in Storybrooke? Emma: Yeah, kid. (hugs Henry) This is where we belong. This is where our family is. (to Mary Margaret) Mom. (to David) Dad. I missed you. (hugs them once again.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Granny's Diner. Emma tells her parents and Henry about her adventure. On the table in front of Emma Henry's opened storybook is placed. A picture shows Hook and Emma dancing. [SCENE_BREAK] Mary Margaret: Wait. You're Princess Leia? Henry: Nice alias. Emma: (chuckles) I was in a pinch. David: Well, there you go. You're officially one of us. Mary Margaret: A fairytale princess at last. Emma: And as my first princessly request I would like to know the name of the baby. David: Right, that. (to Mary Margaret) Ready? (she nods) Excuse me. If I could have everyone's attention just for a moment. This coronation ceremony is something we looked forward to for a very long time. The arrival of our new son has been a cause of great joy for our family. And we hope you can share in it as we name him for a hero. Someone who saved everyone of us. We loved him and he loved back. Mary Margaret: People of Storybrooke, it's our great joy to introduce you to our our son, Prince Neal. (Cheering) Emma: It's nice to meet you, Neal. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Granny's Diner. Outside Hook enjoys a drink alone. Emma joins him. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: So, do you think Rumplestiltskin was right? I'm in the book now. (Hook chuckles) He said everything, besides our little adventure, would go back to normal. Do you think that it is? Hook: He's right. Otherwise I'd remember that damned bar wench I kissed. (Emma smiles.) Emma: How would that prove anything? Hook: I know how you kiss. I'd have gone after her. But I didn't. My life went on exactly the same as before. Emma: (teasing him) Yeah, must have been the rum. Hook: Everything's back to normal. You're a bloody hero, Swan. Emma: So are you. (Hook chuckles) I wanted to thank you, Killian. For going back for me in the first place. In New York. If you hadn't - Hook: (interrupting) It was the right thing to do. Emma: How did you do it? How did you get to me? Hook: When the curse was coming I ditched my crew and took the Jolly Roger as fast and as far as I possibly could to outrun it. Emma: You outran a curse? Hook: (shrugs) I'm the hell of a captain. (Emma chuckles) Once I was outside the curses purview I knew that the walls were down. Transport between the realms was possible again. All I needed was a magic bean. Emma: Those are not easy to come by. Hook: They are if you've got something of value to trade. Emma: And what was that? Hook: Why, the Jolly Roger, of course. Emma: You traded your ship for me? Hook: (nods) Aye. (Emma leans in and kisses Hook passionately) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Somewhere in the woods. Moe French leads Belle to the altar. Archie Hopper and Mr. Gold await them. [SCENE_BREAK] Archie Hopper: It is my great honor to officiate this most lovely reunion. (turns to Belle) If you'd like to begin your vows. Belle: Rumplestiltskin, this thing we have, it's never been easy. I've - I've lost you so many times. I've lost you to darkness. To weakness and... And finally, to death. But now I realize - I realize that I have not spent my life losing you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Granny's Diner. Happily Mary Margaret and David nurse their infant son Neal. [SCENE_BREAK] Belle: (voice-over) I've spent my life finding you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Somewhere in the woods. Mr. Gold speaks his vow. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: Belle, when we met I wasn't just unloved and unloving. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Outside Granny's Diner. Emma and Hook kiss passionately. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: (voice over) I was an enemy of love. Love had only brought me pain. My walls were up. But you broke them down. [SCENE_BREAK] Storybrooke. Present day. Somewhere in the woods. Mr. Gold still speaks his vow. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: You brought me home. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Regina Mills and Robin Hood are on their way to Granny's Diner. Walking between them Roland enjoys chocolate ice-cream. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: (voice-over) You brought light into my life and chased away all the darkness. And I vow to you I will never forget the distance who I was... [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Somewhere in the woods. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: (places a ring on Belle's finger) ... and what I am. I owe more to you than I can ever say. How you can see the man behind the monster, I will never know. Belle: But the monster is gone. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day.Mr. Gold Pawnbroker&Antiquities Dealer Mr. Gold stores his dagger in a cabinet. [SCENE_BREAK] Belle: (voice over) And the man beneath him may be flawed, but we all are. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Somewhere in the woods. [SCENE_BREAK] Belle: And I love you for it. Sometimes the best book has the dustiest jacket. And sometimes the best tea cup is chipped. (Teary-eyed Mr. Gold and Belle kiss) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Outside Granny's Diner. Running Roland enters the diner. Briefly holding Regina back Robin leans in and kisses her. Then they enter the diner together. [SCENE_BREAK] Robin Hood: (indicates a table to his son) Oh, let's sit here. (Along with her former cellmate Emma and Hook sit at another table. Smiling Regina walks past them.) Woman: (agitated) That's the Evil Queen. Emma: (trying to calm her down) It's okay. She's different now. She's not the same person anymore. You'll see. I'll- Just stay here. (Emma approaches Regina.) Regina. There's something you should know. I brought someone back from the past. This woman, she still thinks of you as... (struggling for the right word) Regina: Evil. Emma: (nods) I'll bring her over. I already told her that it's okay, but it's a little delicate. And I feel like, if she met you, she'll see... Regina: (kindly) I understand. (Emma and her cellmate walk past the booth where Robin Hood and Roland sit.) Emma: (intending to introduce her cellmate) Regina, I would like you to meet... Robin Hood: (in disbelief) Marian? (standing up) Marian? Marian: (in disbelief) Robin? Robin Hood: (embraces Marian) I thought you were dead. (His voice thick with emotion) I thought I'd never see you again. Marian: And I you. (Stunned Regina stares at them blankly) Roland: Mama? Marian: (crouches down) Roland. Oh my baby. Roland. (Marian hugs her son. Robin Hood puts his arms around both of them. Regina turns away and faces Emma) Regina: (voice breaking) You? You did this? Emma: (humbly) I just wanted to save her life. Regina: (shakes her head) You're just like your mother. (hurt) Never thinking of consequences. Emma: I didn't know. Regina: (angry) Of course, you didn't. Well, you'd just better hope to hell, you didn't bring anything else back. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. The warehouse. The urn pops open and and water pours into the remaining abandoned slots of the time portal. Instantly freezing the water confluences in the middle of the structure. Gradually setting hard Elsa rights herself. She takes one of her gloves off and tentatively freezes a small spot on the ground. Then she decides to leave the warehouse, freezing the ground beneath her feet with every step she takes.

Plan: A: Emma's and Hook's plan; Q: What takes a turn for the worse? A: Regina; Q: Who captures Emma? A: Snow White; Q: Who does Regina capture Emma for aiding? A: Prince Charming's true marriage ring; Q: What was Snow White unable to steal? A: one; Q: How many of Snow White's friends were enlisted to help her? A: a pinch; Q: What does Snow White find herself in? A: her parents; Q: Who do Emma and Hook manage to get back together? A: the timeline; Q: What do Emma and Hook repair? A: her magic; Q: What does Emma regain? A: Storybrooke; Q: Where does Emma bring Maid Marian? A: Elsa; Q: Who did Emma and Hook unknowingly bring back to Storybrooke? A: the magic; Q: What is the new threat? A: Snow Drifts; Q: What was the name of the episode that aired with "There's No Place Like Home"? A: a 2-hour special; Q: What kind of episode was this? Summary: Emma's and Hook's plan takes a turn for the worse when Regina captures Emma for "aiding" Snow White, and when it turns out that Snow White had been unable to steal Prince Charming's true marriage ring, which was the catalyst for the two of them falling in love. After a daring rescue involving the enlistment of one of Snow's friends, Snow White finds herself in a pinch, in which death seems inevitable. However, she barely manages to escape, and Emma and Hook eventually manage to get her parents back together, repairing the timeline. After some issues with the time portal, Emma is able to regain her magic and reopen it, although she also brings Maid Marian to Storybrooke , unknown to the residents of Storybrooke, Emma and Hook have unknowingly brought back Elsa who could forever alter the course of Storybrooke's future, and portending the rise of a new threat, the magic of whom even Rumplestiltskin fears. Note: This episode was aired together with "Snow Drifts" as a 2-hour special .

Frontios by Christopher H. Bidmead Part One 6:40pm - 7:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: MINES (A group of men, led by Captain Revere, are digging in the mines. Captain Revere removes a rock and hands it to Chief Orderly Brazen, who examines it and goes over to the entrance to call out to the outside. Captain Revere watches as parts of the ground are sinking further down by themselves - almost like something is sucking it down. Meanwhile Brazen talks to the two Orderlies at the entrance.) BRAZEN: The answer's buried here somewhere. The Captain will find it. (More earth gets sucked down further into the ground and a beam holding up the mine shifts out of place, threatening the collapse of the entire mine. Brazen hurries to hold up the beam.) BRAZEN: Get out everybody! Come on, move! Captain Revere! (He watches as earth and rocks fall from the ceiling and the orderlies see Captain Revere unconscious and trapped under rubble. Brazen attempts to lift a big slab of rock off him, but it proves too heavy.) BRAZEN: Block and tackle! Quickly! (He runs to the Orderlies who bring down the chain amidst another falling of rocks. The next time Brazen moves over, there is no sign of Captain Revere. There is just the pile of rubble.) BRAZEN: I want no mention of this to anyone. Did you hear me?! Not to anyone! [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE (Turlough is standing at the interior door - he seems to be trying to listen through it. There is a loud banging noise coming through the door. Tegan walks up.) TEGAN: The Doctor's alright. He gets like this sometimes. Nothing to worry about. (More loud noises.) TURLOUGH: Well I suppose it's none of my business if... I think he must be coming. (They move out of the way of the door and the Doctor appears, a manic look in his eyes.) DOCTOR: Not hat people are you? Either of you? TEGAN: What? DOCTOR: Wear them much I mean. I only do when I go out. It's...er...silly to have this thing, getting in everyone's way. (He hurries over to the hat stand and picks it up.) TEGAN: I don't believe it. There's so much to do aboard this ship and all you're worried about is tidying away the hat stand! DOCTOR: Well, I have to start somewhere. (Turlough is at the console, and a beeping starts.) TURLOUGH: Doctor? Something's happening to the controls. (There is a screen on the console which reads "BOUNDARY ERROR, TIME PARAMETERS EXCEEDED") DOCTOR: Oh, we must be on the outer limits. The TARDIS has drifted too far into the future. We'll just slip into hover mode for a while. (He presses some buttons. Tegan is reading from another screen.) TEGAN: We're in the Veruna System, wherever that is. DOCTOR: I had no idea we were so far out. Veruna - that's irony for you. TEGAN: What is? DOCTOR: Veruna is where one of the last surviving groups of mankind took shelter when the great...er... Yes, I suppose you've got all that to look forward to haven't you? (He's clearly said more than he meant to and he walks off with an embarrassed smile.) TEGAN: In the great what, Doctor?! DOCTOR: All civilizations have their ups and downs... (Turlough theatrically reads from a screen, deliberately to annoy Tegan.) TURLOUGH: 'Fleeing from the imminence of a catastrophic collision with the sun, a group of refugees from the DOOMED planet Earth...' DOCTOR: (annoyed) Yes, that's enough, Turlough. (Tegan looks at the scanner, a planet is shown in the centre.) TEGAN: You mean, some of the last surviving humans are on this planet? DOCTOR: Yes. TEGAN: Can we land? Can we visit them? DOCTOR: Laws of time. TEGAN: Since when has that ever stopped you? DOCTOR: We mustn't interfere. Colony's too new; one generation at the most. The future hangs in the balance. (He attempts to change the subject, and points at the hat stand that he has been carrying.) DOCTOR: Now, I've got another one of these somewhere. Put them side by side. We'll have a pair. [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: RESEARCH ROOM (The hole leading to the mines is being closed up. Brazen looks on, standing with another man, Mr. Range.) RANGE: There is enough distrust already of the long path back to knowledge. An enquiry into Captain Revere's death is vital. BRAZEN: I've said, there's no requirement for an investigation! 'Distillation vessel exploded here in the Research Room.' RANGE: And that's your childish reason for closing down the whole of the Research Room? BRAZEN: Captain Revere was quite specific. The research centre was to be closed down in the event of his...dying. I've nothing else to say on the matter! (He angrily walks off but Range follows him. There is an Orderly, Cockerill who wears headphones connected to some sort of communication system.) RANGE: You're throwing away 40 years work. Don't you care? BRAZEN: Simply obeying orders. RANGE: Look, we lost all our technology when our ship crashed here. Now, don't you think our struggle has been hard enough without this added foolishness?! BRAZEN: The only foolishness that I know is to disobey an order! (This seems to end the argument, and the matter is finished.) BRAZEN: Right, that's enough of that Cockerill. (Cockerill removes his headphones.) RANGE: What, you're abandoning the communication scan too? BRAZEN: Everything. COCKERILL: Forty years and nothing's come through on that set. I don't think it's any great loss. BRAZEN: Nobody asked for your opinion on the matter! Get back to corridor duties! (Cockerill salutes and moves off.) RANGE: On whose authority? BRAZEN: Plantagenet himself! RANGE: Oh the boy's distraught! BRAZEN: Are you suggesting the son of Captain Revere is unfit to rule? RANGE: Look, as Chief Science Officer... BRAZEN: (interrupting) Oh, don't go waving your title at me. From now on, this research centre is under military jurisdiction! RANGE: But the research into the bombardment, now you must see the urgency of that! (They leave the Research Room as they talk.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: CORRIDOR OUTSIDE RESEARCH ROOM (Outside the Research Room, there are two guards on the door.) RANGE: The attacks are coming almost daily. BRAZEN: There will be no more talk about this in front of our people, Mr. Range. The desertion rate is already unacceptable. Now, with or without your permission, this research room will be sealed! [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE (Tegan and Turlough continue to look at the scanner.) TEGAN: I can't believe it. TURLOUGH: It would be interesting to go down, wouldn't it. Um...Doctor, we were just... DOCTOR: Impossible. Time's up. TEGAN: What happens to them, Doctor? DOCTOR: Knowledge has its limits. Ours reaches this far, and no further. (The Doctor tries to operate the TARDIS, but there is a loud noise and the console shakes.) DOCTOR: Stabilizers are failing. Have to get out ... TURLOUGH: It's a meteorite storm! (On the scanner, large red meteorites land on the planet.) DOCTOR: The TARDIS should be able to resist this sort of thing. (The Doctor is jerked towards the console by some force.) DOCTOR: Console's jammed! TURLOUGH: We're being dragged towards the planet! TEGAN: How? DOCTOR: Gravitational pull?!? [SCENE_BREAK] 6, EXT: FRONTIOS (Alarms sound. A crashed space-ship seems to be the shelter for the people. Many people run around trying to get under cover. Some are caught up in explosions.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE (The Doctor, Turlough and Tegan are all leaning heavily on the console, which is still shaking violently.) TEGAN: Doctor, do something! DOCTOR: Don't panic! (He punches the console, and the TARDIS stops shaking.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, EXT: FRONTIOS (Another explosion knocks over two people, and more people run to cover. The TARDIS materializes. The storm seems to have finished. Out of a door comes a young lady, Norna. She is joined by Mr. Range - her father - in helping an injured person. The Doctor sticks his head out of the TARDIS door.) DOCTOR: My least favourite sort of weather. (There is an injured woman nearby. The Doctor goes over to help, followed by Turlough and Tegan.) DOCTOR: Come along. TEGAN: This way. (One woman, supported by the Doctor and Turlough, and the other by Norna and Range, follow Tegan back inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: MEDICAL SHELTER TEGAN: In here...over here. DOCTOR: It's alright, it's alright. (Tegan leads the Doctor and Turlough to a bed where one woman is placed, while the other is sat on the ground for a minute. Then the Doctor and Range carry him over to another bed.) RANGE: We shall need the emergency supplies. DOCTOR: Leave it to me. RANGE: Oh, thank-you sir. DOCTOR: I'll need some antiseptic and bandages. RANGE: Antiseptic? DOCTOR: Yes. How else am I to clean this wound hmm? (The Doctor takes off his coat and throws it at Range, who looks totally bemused. The Doctor clearly doesn't want to waste time on pleasantries.) RANGE: Look, um, I'm the Chief Science Officer. Who are you...? DOCTOR: (interrupting) It would help if we could see what we're doing. (Range gets the picture and clicks his fingers. A man with a small green lamp comes over. It doesn't seem to have any effect whatsoever.) DOCTOR: Phosphor lamps?! (Turlough and Tegan have left the other patient in the hands of the medics, and have come over to join the others. Turlough grabs the lamp from the man.) TURLOUGH: These are a terrible fire hazard in this sort of container, you know? DOCTOR: You'd better hold it steady then, hadn't you. TEGAN: How does it work? TURLOUGH: Well...it's electron excitation. If you give them a shake... (He does so, which alarms the Doctor.) TURLOUGH: ...they get a bit brighter. DOCTOR: Aaaa... Stop that would you?! (to Range) Is this the best you can do? RANGE: Yes, I'm afraid it is. DOCTOR: I'll need some proper lighting. Turlough, the TARDIS. I'll need the...portable mu-field activator... TURLOUGH: Doctor, you did say that we weren't... DOCTOR: (deliberately not listening) ...and five of the argon discharge globes. (Turlough, clearly unimpressed, gives the lamp to Tegan and leaves without a word. The Doctor calls after him.) DOCTOR: Oh, and all the medical supplies! TURLOUGH: (sarcastic) Anything else? (The Doctor gives him an annoyed look.) DOCTOR: Yes, you'd better give him a hand, Tegan. TEGAN: Righto, Doctor. (Norna comes up with the bandages, which the Doctor takes grumpily.) RANGE: Here, this is my daughter Norna, and you are... DOCTOR: (interrupting) Time for the social niceties later. Better get started, hmm? NORNA: Yes, well, you'll want soap and water first. DOCTOR: Yes...good idea. [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE (Tegan runs up and goes to open the interior door. It doesn't budge.) TEGAN: This door's locked. (Turlough comes and gives it a try, without success.) TURLOUGH: No it isn't. This could be serious. (They both run back.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: MEDICAL SHELTER RANGE: It's very good of you to help us, Mister...er... DOCTOR: I'm not helping - officially. And if anyone happens to ask whether I made any material difference to the welfare of this planet, you can tell them I came and went like a summer cloud. (Range looks confused. There are a group of people standing at the entrance to the shelter.) RANGE: Oh, they're curious to know who you are. DOCTOR: Perhaps you could ask them to move, they're rather blocking the air. It's interesting, how often do you have meteorite showers? RANGE: Intermittently, although the attacks have become more frequent over the last few weeks. DOCTOR: Yes...the attacks? RANGE: Oh yes, we're at war! DOCTOR: Really? With whom? RANGE: Well, that is yet to be determined - as you can see, we're helpless. DOCTOR: Not if I have anything to do with it. (Finally, after Range has already tried about five times, the Doctor extends his hand.) DOCTOR: How do you do? I'm the Doctor. RANGE: Oh, hello. My name is Range. I'm the Chief Science Officer. (The Doctor though is distracted by something behind Range.) DOCTOR: Hello...You've been keeping us unnecessarily in the dark, Mr. Range. You didn't tell me you had a hydrazine steam generator. [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: STATE ROOM (Brazen walks purposefully through a pair of doors, and walks up to where a small man is sitting on a chair on a raised platform. He is Plantagenet, the leader of Frontios and the son of Captain Revere. He doesn't seem to notice that anyone is there, so Brazen clears his throat.) BRAZEN: There's a development, sir, that I am not happy with. PLANTAGENET: Development? Yes? BRAZEN: An arrival, simultaneous to the last bombardment - three persons of undetermined origin. (Plantagenet stands up - doing his best to look and act like a leader.) PLANTAGENET: So, it's come at last. BRAZEN: Yes. This could be the beginning of the invasion. [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: MEDICAL SHELTER (The Doctor is behind the generator, examining parts of it.) DOCTOR: It's very interesting. RANGE: It used to generate a basic form of energy but, er...we no longer have any fuel. This planet is without wood, or any combustible material. DOCTOR: What about the colony ship? Must've been brimming with gadgetry. RANGE: (laughing) Systems that could re-build a civilization for us. Failure proof technology. DOCTOR: What happened to it all? RANGE: It failed. And nothing survived the crash. (Suddenly, Tegan and Turlough run in.) TEGAN: Doctor! Doctor! Something's happened to the TARDIS! DOCTOR: Mmm? TEGAN: The interior door's jammed! TURLOUGH: It's as if some tremendous force-field's pulled it out of shape. TEGAN: It couldn't be the impact of landing, could it? (The Doctor either doesn't care or is not listening at all.) DOCTOR: The TARDIS? No, no, no. Probably just some spatial anomaly. You're getting carried away again, Turlough. One thing at a time. Where's the...mu-field activator. TURLOUGH: I'm trying to tell you! It's behind the... DOCTOR: It's behind the interior door. Yes of course...excitation. (He vigorously shakes the phosphor lamp he is holding.) TURLOUGH: You told me not to do that. DOCTOR: Oh, it's risky, but then so is operating in this gloom. (He stops shaking the lamp.) DOCTOR: You ever tried putting a higher voltage across these things? TEGAN: Doctor! The TARDIS! DOCTOR: (not listening) Yes, there must be something on this planet capable of sustaining a steady voltage. (Turlough walks over and talks to Norna.) TURLOUGH: How can you work - do research, without electricity? NORNA: Well, we used to use an acid jar, charged by wind power. TEGAN: Acid jar? NORNA: A sort of - large battery. TURLOUGH: That's a thought - with some sort of interrupter to raise the voltage. NORNA: Well, it's in the research room - but I'll need some help carrying it. TEGAN: Okay, come on. (She indicates to Turlough - who is deep in thought. Then they all hurry out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14, EXT: FRONTIOS TURLOUGH: We seem to have lost our news value. TEGAN: There's a counter-attraction, look! (A group of colonists are receiving food rations from two Orderlies.) NORNA: Food is rationed on Frontios. That's why the colony ship is guarded. (She leads them away from the door.) NORNA: We'll have to be careful, the ship's out of bounds. TURLOUGH: It sounds dangerous. NORNA: Do you mind? TURLOUGH: No, it isn't that. It's just that I wouldn't want us to get... NORNA: (interrupting) Quick, hide! (Turlough and Tegan run off to hide. Out from a tunnel come Plantagenet and Brazen. Plantagenet readies himself for a speech.) BRAZEN: Stand steady, sir. They look to you. (Plantagenet notices Norna.) PLANTAGENET: Norna? You're needed in the hospital, surely? NORNA: I've come to ask for more bandages and water. BRAZEN: You think we have unlimited supplies? NORNA: You have supplies, what's the use in hoarding them? Leader Plantagenet, the wounded need your help. (Plantagenet turns to an Orderly.) PLANTAGENET: Make sure this woman is allowed access to the medical supplies room. ORDERLY: Yes sir. (With that, Plantagenet, Brazen and two Orderlies walk past Norna. Norna goes over to where Tegan and Turlough have been hiding.) NORNA: Come on. (Norna walks past the remaining guard down the tunnel. A loud bang comes from where Tegan and Turlough are, the guard goes to investigate, and as he leaves his post, Tegan and Turlough sneak around the other side to join Norna without being seen. Brazen also heard the noise.) BRAZEN: Orderly? Where you responsible for this noise? ORDERLY: No sir. BRAZEN: Somebody is. (He turns and strides down the tunnel.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: COLONY SHIP (Norna, Tegan and Turlough move along a narrow walkway - the roof is far above them as they walk through the dark ship.) TEGAN: It's huge! NORNA: It brought thousands of people from Earth, remember. TEGAN: Thousands? NORNA: Well the crash killed most of them, and then there was an outburst of disease. (They hear Brazen's footsteps.) NORNA: Someone's coming! (They hurry off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: MEDICAL SHELTER RANGE: Well, Captain Revere assumed that the barrage was some sort of softening-up process - 'heralding an invasion,' he said. DOCTOR: Hmm, someone else thinks this is their territory. RANGE: Well, Frontios was quite deserted when we arrived. DOCTOR: Oh, so you did nothing to provoke an attack? RANGE: No! The few who survived the crash had no time for anything but bare survival. We worked to raise food. DOCTOR: Dangerous, surely, out in the fields, with the risk of bombardment? RANGE: No, there was no bombardment then. No, we had ten years of clear skies to stock the wreck of the colony ship with food. And then it began. Yes, the first missile fell, oh, a little over thirty years ago. DOCTOR: Thirty years?! Your unknown invaders are certainly taking their time. (Plantagenet has arrived unnoticed.) PLANTAGENET: Unknown no longer, perhaps. Could it be that one of them calls himself...the Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: COLONY SHIP (Norna, Tegan and Turlough have reached the door of the Research Room, but it is locked and barred up.) NORNA: They sealed the room. TURLOUGH: Now what? TEGAN: We go back? NORNA: No. There's another way in. This way. (She goes over and climbs a ladder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: MEDICAL SHELTER DOCTOR: Look, I'm not really here at all, officially. And as soon as I've helped Mr. Range with the arrangements, I...I'll be on my way. PLANTAGENET: You feel free to come and go as you please? DOCTOR: Going yes, coming no - we were forced down. PLANTAGENET: I see - you landed during the bombardment and yet you appear...unharmed. DOCTOR: I'm sorry. We didn't know there was a war on. At first we thought it was some sort of meteorite storm. PLANTAGENET: And what do you think now? DOCTOR: I think your shelters are totally inadequate and your warning system does nothing but create panic. PLANTAGENET: I did not ask...! DOCTOR: (interrupting) Your population's already falling below the critical value required for guaranteed growth and you're regularly losing new lives! I think...and you did ask what I think - I think your colony of Earth people is in grave danger of extinction. (Plantagenet is totally out of his depth and he doesn't know what to say.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19, EXT: TOP OF COLONY SHIP (Norna, Tegan and Turlough are walking on top of the ship.) NORNA: Be quiet, they can here us walking on the hull of the ship. [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: MEDICAL SHELTER (The Doctor stands with Range. Plantagenet is angry and he yells at the Doctor.) PLANTAGENET: Who are you to give me advice?! I am the son of Captain Revere. The people of Frontios will not be cowed by these muling(?) words of defeat, Doctor. We may lack the outward appurtenances of might, but we carry our strength within us! We will win the war with the invisible aggressors whose missiles batter on our planet, and we will win the greater battle - the struggle for the future...of our race! DOCTOR: Absolutely. I wish you all the luck in the world. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to give you anything much in the way of help. PLANTAGENET: We're under no illusions about that Doctor. We can see for ourselves the results of your...help. (He points around to all the injured and dying people.) RANGE: But the Doctor has helped - he's been caring for the sick, and he's going to arrange for some proper light by adapting the... (He indicates the generator - but he knows he's said too much. The generator seems to be seen as some sort of relic of Captain Revere.) PLANTAGENET: The hydrazine engine! This invader has interfered with the great gift my father bestowed upon the people of Frontios. DOCTOR: (frustrated) I'm sorry, I was working out a way of getting some decent light in here. PLANTAGENET: We people of Frontios are vulnerable, Doctor...desperate...frightened even. But we are not...fools. (The Doctor looks at him like he is just that - a fool.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, EXT: TOP OF COLONY SHIP (Norna and Turlough are trying to open a small hatch in a wall, while Tegan keeps watch. She ducks down quickly when she sees Brazen and some Orderlies come out from the door.) TEGAN: They're coming. (Turlough and Norna manage to get the hatch off the wall, and they climb in. Brazen and the Orderlies stand a short distance away - out of sight.) BRAZEN: Check the solar-drive panels. They've got to be hiding somewhere. (Turlough climbs in and shuts the hatch just as the Orderlies pass by.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22, INT: RESEARCH ROOM (Turlough is the last of the three to climb out of the other end of the entrance, he locks it and then goes over to join the others. The acid battery - a big silver box with a large green jar on the top - is sitting on the bench nearby. Tegan and Norna each take one end and start to carry it.) TEGAN: Smells lethal! NORNA: It is. (Turlough is operating a pulley to which he will attach the acid jar to pull it up.) TURLOUGH: So please don't spill it. [SCENE_BREAK] 23, EXT: TOP OF COLONY SHIP (Brazen stands on the main part of the ship. He calls over his Orderlies.) BRAZEN: Guard the hatch. I'll inform the leader. (He leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: RESEARCH ROOM (The jar is attached to the pulley. Norna and Tegan stand back, and Turlough prepares to lift it.) TURLOUGH: Be careful. (He lifts it almost up to where he is, when something snaps and a lot of the acid goes out onto the floor. It immediately burns a hole through the floor.) TEGAN: Turlough... [SCENE_BREAK] 25, EXT: TOP OF COLONY SHIP (The Orderlies are not guarding the hatch. They are chatting to each other. Turlough comes out to check the situation, then goes back to help the girls get the acid jar out. It's now about half full of acid. Cockerill comes out of the main door and goes to join the other Orderlies.) COCKERILL: I got it, but only just. (He takes some food from his pocket and gives one of whatever it is to each of the two Orderlies. Tegan, Turlough and Norna are deciding their next plan.) TEGAN: How are we gonna get it past them? TURLOUGH: I'll think of something. (The Orderlies all sit down and start eating.) TEGAN: Are you sure this is going to work? TURLOUGH: Have you got a better idea? (They pick up the jar again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26, EXT: FRONTIOS (Brazen walks out of the ship and goes over to the Warnsman, the man who raises the alarm of bombardments.) BRAZEN: Warnsman. WARNSMAN: Sir? BRAZEN: I don't like the look of this sky. WARNSMAN: No sir. BRAZEN: Keep good watch. WARNSMAN: Very good, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 27, INT: MEDICAL SHELTER PLANTAGENET: No craft the size of yours is capable of traversing the universe. DOCTOR: (sarcastic) If I had a spare millennium, I'd bring you up to date on time mechanics. Unfortunately, we have this lighting problem, and a ward full of people needing medical attention. (Brazen has arrived, and he talks in private to Plantagenet. The Doctor and Range look towards the sky, where they can hear a bombardment.) RANGE: Another bombardment. DOCTOR: Again? RANGE: Yes, there's darkening of the sky. Oh, it's alright, the Warnsman will sound his klaxon at the first sign. (Plantagenet is ready for another dramatic speech.) PLANTAGENET: You came with two accomplices! They have been seen on the colony ship! (To Range) Aided by your...treacherous daughter. [SCENE_BREAK] 28, INT: COLONY SHIP (Tegan and Norna are descending a ladder. Turlough lowers the acid jar, via the pulley, down with them. The Warnsman runs up to them.) WARNSMAN: Hey, you're not allowed up there! (Turlough seems to lose control of the pulley.) TURLOUGH: LOOK OUT! (The acid jar swings and hits the Warnsman, who is knocked over.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29, INT: MEDICAL SHELTER RANGE: Paranoia! Your minds are being eaten away by this daily disaster we call Frontios. Can't you see, this man is here to help us! PLANTAGENET: I SAY TREACHERY, Mr. Range! Are you guilty too? (Range has had enough, and he walks off shaking his head.) DOCTOR (to Plantagenet): You know, we can sort all this out in no time at all if everyone just stays calm. Now please, come and see the TARDIS! (Plantagenet and Brazen follow him.) DOCTOR: As an invasion weapon, it's about as offensive as a chicken vol-au-vent. [SCENE_BREAK] 30, INT: COLONY SHIP (The bombardment can now be heard. Turlough and Tegan are at the bottom of the ladder. Norna is looking after the Warnsman.) TURLOUGH: The bombardment's started again. NORNA: We'd better get him back to the medical shelter. TURLOUGH: Come on. (Turlough grabs the Warnsman, leaving Norna and Tegan to carry the acid jar.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31, EXT: FRONTIOS DOCTOR: Its, uh...its lack of armaments can be a positive embarrassment at times. Just a minute...get back! (They jump back, noticing the sky and the probability of bombardments.) BRAZEN: Don't be alarmed, we haven't heard from the Warnsman yet. DOCTOR: Oh. Well this way. (They see Turlough and the Warnsman.) DOCTOR: Oh dear. What have we here? PLANTAGENET: It's the Warnsman. BRAZEN: Take him to the medical shelter. (The Doctor goes over to Tegan and Norna.) DOCTOR: Now what's this? NORNA: The battery - for the lighting. DOCTOR: Brilliant! Ah, take it inside, hurry along. (Two Orderlies come and take it away.) DOCTOR: Now, where's the mu-field activator? TEGAN: We told you, Doctor, we couldn't get any further than the console room. TURLOUGH: Doctor! Can't we continue this conversation undercover. DOCTOR: Yes, indeed. The TARDIS. (They walk forward, and an explosion occurs just in front of them. The Doctor, Tegan and Turlough hide on one side. Brazen and Plantagenet hide on the other side.) BRAZEN: This bombardment...it could be a tactical diversion, on the part of the Doctor. PLANTAGENET: No, I think not, Brazen. But he has some connection with these attacks. [SCENE_BREAK] 32, INT: MEDICAL SHELTER (The Orderlies carry the acid jar in, Norna follows them.) NORNA: Careful. RANGE: Gently with that now, gently, over there. [SCENE_BREAK] 33, EXT: FRONTIOS DOCTOR: A swift exit, I think. We've had enough of this planet. (They try and run out, but another explosion forces them back undercover.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34, INT: COLONY SHIP (Plantagenet staggers inside, clutching his chest. Brazen follows him.) BRAZEN: You hurt? (He shakes his head quickly, and stands up straight when a couple of injured people come inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35, EXT: FRONTIOS TEGAN: It's getting lighter. DOCTOR: The attack's nearly over. Let's get out of here. Come on - the TARDIS. (They get up and move out of their shelter, and all walk very slowly over to where the TARDIS was.) TEGAN: The TARDIS - what's happened?! (All that seems to be still remaining of the TARDIS is the hat-stand. It stands alone amongst a pile of rubble.) TURLOUGH: It's gone. (The Doctor goes over and touches the hat-stand.) DOCTOR: The TARDIS has been destroyed...

Plan: A: the planet Frontios; Q: Where do the survivors of the human race live? A: time; Q: What does the Doctor say the laws of do not allow him to have contact with the survivors? A: the survivors; Q: What do the few remaining humans on Frontios call themselves? A: their own way; Q: The Doctor states that the survivors must go ________ without outside intervention. A: A meteor storm; Q: What hits the planet? A: a emergency landing; Q: What kind of landing does the TARDIS make? Summary: In the far distant future, the few remaining survivors of the human race struggle to survive on the planet Frontios. The Doctor states that the Laws of time do not allow him to have contact because the survivors must go their own way without outside intervention at this key point in time.A meteor storm hits the planet and starts to drag the TARDIS down with it, the Doctor is unable to stop the TARDIS from making a emergency landing.

Bette: Previously, on "The L Word." [A heartbeat is heard as we see scenes from Season 1:] [Bette stares across the parking garage at the CAC; Candace gets out of her car.] [Tina sits on her bed, angry at Bette.] [Jenny and Robin kiss, in bed.] [Tim accidentally sees Jenny and Robin through the window, making love.] [Robin smiles at Jenny.] [Cherie screams at Shane; Shane tries to hold her still.] [The sound of the heartbeat speeds up. Shane puts her hand against her forehead as Cherie runs out.] [Tonya puts her hand against her head at Mr. Piddles' funeral.] [Dana cries over Mr. Piddles, her hand against her forehead.] [Ivan walks up behind Kit.] [Gene and Jenny are about to kiss, in front of the aquarium.] [Tina, Bette, Shane, Alice, Marina, Kit and Ivan raise their glasses, at Mr. Piddles' funeral.] [Bette and Alice are at The Planet.] Bette: Why is it so important for you to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else? Alice: Because they are. [Tina rolls her eyes.] [Jenny sits on Tim's lap.] [Shane and a woman in a pool kiss passionately.] Jenny: Do you know the neighbors next door? [Shane and the woman start to have s*x in the pool.] Jenny: Are they, um, a gay couple? Tim: Yeah, they are. [Through the fence, Jenny watches Shane and the woman having s*x.] Jenny: Because I saw them having s*x in their pool. [Jenny and Tina talk in Tina's backyard.] Tina: We're having a party tomorrow night. You and Tim should come. [Jenny and Tim walk into Bette and Tina's house for the party. Marina, Alice and Jenny sit on a couch.] Alice: Jenny, this is Marina. [Marina, Alice and Jenny sit on a couch, staring at one another. Marina and Jenny stare at each other.] Alice: You guys should totally take the Cosmo romance quiz. (laughs) [In the bathroom, Marina grabs Jenny and kisses her passionately.] [Cut to quick clips of Marina and Jenny making love, then Tim and Jenny making love.] Tim: Where are you? [Jenny sees Marina's face in place of Tim's.] Jenny: I'm right here. [A ring sits on a table.] Annette: (off screen) You're getting married? [Marina and Jenny are in Jenny's kitchen.] Marina: Are you happy? Jenny: (crying) Don't ask me that. [Tim opens the door to Jenny's apartment, catching Marina and Jenny having s*x.] [Jenny confronts Tim at the swim meet.] Tim: Why couldn't you stop it, why what it so hard! [Tim forces Jenny to confront Marina at The Planet.] Jenny: What happened between us was a terrible mistake. [Tim gets in Marina's face.] Tim: Did you hear what she said? [Jenny walks away.] [Tim talks to Jenny in the writing studio.] Tim: We need to get a divorce. [Jenny talks to Robin.] Jenny: Are you free on Saturday night? Robin: I have a date. [Gene and Jenny talk to Tim and his date Trish, at the CAC party.] Tim: (to Gene) Has she... told you she's a dyke? [Gene looks at Jenny.] [Gene, Robin and Jenny stand in Jenny's writing studio.] Gene: I should probably be the one to go. Robin: Gene, no, I should go. Jenny: No, I don't want either of you to leave. [Jenny sits in a chair.] [Shane and Tina hug at a party.] Bette: Ever notice that every time Shane walks into a room, someone leaves crying? [Shane confronts Lacey on a street.] Shane: I don't do relationships. [Scenes of Shane kissing different girls.] [Cherie is in Shane's barber chair.] Shane: Tell me what you want. Cherie: In terms of what you can do for me? [Shane and Cherie have s*x in the back room of Shane's salon.] [Clea and Shane sit at The Planet.] Clea: Are you in love with her? Shane: Yeah. [Shane and Steve talk on the street.] Steve: You gotta learn to keep it in your pants. [Shane sits in her truck outside the gates of the Jaffe mansion, shouting into the intercom.] Shane: Open the gate! [Cherie cries, slapping Shane.] Cherie: I never wanna see you again! Shane: Listen! Listen to me! [Cherie and Shane talk at the CAC party.] Cherie: It was a delusion. Shane: (crying) You felt the same way about me. Cherie: (crying) That kind of love does not exist. [Dana and Alice are at The Planet.] Dana: I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have? Alice: She has nipple confidence. [Dana and Lara kiss at the country club tennis court. Conrad walks up.] Conrad: Hey! [Dana and Lara are startled and stop kissing.] [Dana and Lara are at a restaurant; Dana is very upset.] Dana: You don't understand what it means to be me. [Dana, Alice, Tina and Shane arrive at the Dinah Shore event. Tonya shakes Dana's hand.] Tonya: So, so glad to meet you. I'm Tonya, your guest liason. I'm here to take care of all your needs. [Dana and Tonya in bed later. Tonya and Dana are having s*x.] Tonya: I can't believe I'm about to go down on Dana Fairbanks. [Alice and Tina sit in their hotel room.] Alice: That girl has bad f*cking vibes. [Tina, Dana and Alice sit at a table at The Planet.] Dana: When are you gonna make up your mind between dick and pussy? Alice: I'm looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman. [Dana turns to Tina and gestures.] Dana: Big tits. [Dana and Tonya announce their engagement at Mr. Piddles' funeral. Dana shows off Tonya's ring.] Dana: We're getting married! [Tonya laughs with excitement.] [Alice stands on Dana's doorstep in the middle of the night. Dana stands there in her pajamas.] Alice: You can't marry Tonya. [Dana looks at her curiously. Suddenly, Alice kisses her.] [Ivan performs on stage at The Planet.] [Ivan and Kit sit on a couch at The Planet.] Ivan: Look, if you ever need anyone to talk to, give me a call. [Bette talks to Kit at the CAC.] Bette: She wants to be your husband. [Kit and Ivan sit at a table at The Planet.] Kit: If you were a man, you would be the perfect man. [Kit opens her apartment door. Ivan is standing there with flowers.] Ivan: Wow. [Bette and Tina stand in their bathroom.] Bette: Let's make a baby. [They kiss.] [Bette and Tina sit at the therapist' office.] Bette: I have found the perfect donor. [Tina opens the front door at their house. Marcus Allenwood stands there.] [Tina and Bette sit at The Planet. Tina is upset.] Tina: How could you not tell me that Marcus Allenwood is black? [Bette cries.] [Bette comes in from work and sees the positive pregnancy test stick lying on the table. She grins at Tina.] Tina: We're gonna have a baby. [Bette stands in Dr. Wilson's exam room.] Dr. Wilson: I was unable to locate a heartbeat. [Bette comforts Tina. Tina cries in her arms.] [Tina and Bette go to group therapy.] Tina: I was only twelve weeks and I feel like I lost someone I was with my whole life. [Bette and Candace stand near one another.] Candace: All I've wanted to do all day long was kiss you. [Bette and Candace come close to kissing in Bette's office, while looking over blueprints.] [Bette stands in her office. Tina slips her arms around her from behind. Bette thinks it's Candace.] Bette: I can't. Tina: You can't what, babe? [Bette turns around.] [Bette gets into Candace' car.] Bette: Take me somewhere. [Candace throws Bette onto the bed. Candace pushes Bette against a door as they kiss passionately.] [Tina sees Bette and Candace standing outside at the CAC party, holding hands.] [Tina confronts Bette in their bedroom.] Tina: I saw it. Bette: I'm sorry. [Tina slaps Bette.] Tina: f*ck you! f*ck you! [Bette grabs Tina and pushes her onto the bed.] [SCENE_BREAK] INT. - DR. WILSON'S OFFICE - DAY [Tina stands in Dr. Wilson's exam room, facing the camera. She takes off her purse.] Tina: I can't believe this is happening. INT. - CANDACE'S BEDROOM - DAY [Cut to Bette and Candace, in bed, kissing passionately.] INT. - DR. WILSON'S OFFICE - CONTINUED [Title card: Los Angeles, Present Day] Tina: When we did this, I thought I had a certain amount of security. [Tina takes off her jacket.] Tina: Whether it worked or not, I thought Bette and I were solid. INT. - CANDACE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUED [Cut back to Bette and Candace in bed, kissing.] INT. - DR. WILSON'S OFFICE - CONTINUED [Tina removes her shirt. Dr. Wilson stands a few feet away, looking at some paperwork.] Dr. Wilson: When were you planning to tell Bette? Tina: Right about now. If everything looked like it was going to go well, and nothing was gonna go wrong like last time... I didn't think Bette could handle another miscarriage. [Tina takes off her pants and shoes.] Dr. Wilson: No? [Tina turns to face Dr. Wilson. By the daylight streaming in through the window, we see Tina in her underwear. She's pregnant.] Dr. Wilson: Oh my. Well. [Tina rubs her belly and smiles.] Dr. Wilson: Look at you. Tina: Yeah, just sort of, uh... [Tina turns to the side. She is very pregnant - several months so.] Tina: ... just popped. [Tina looks at her belly, then at the doctor, then picks up an exam gown from the nearby exam table and slips it on.] Tina: I'm not ready to tell anybody. I wanna keep it to myself for a while. Dr. Wilson: Well, that's not gonna be easy, my dear. [Tina ties her gown shut and sits on the exam table.] Tina: Looks like I'm having this baby on my own. Dr. Wilson: Now that's a shame, Tina. Tina: Don't say that. People do it all the time. [Dr. Wilson folds her arms and leans against the counter.] Dr. Wilson: And you're okay with that. [Tina takes a moment.] Tina: I want this baby more than ever. [Tina sits on the edge of the exam table looking very alone, as the camera zooms back.] [New opening credits with the new theme by performer Betty.] INT. - CANDACE'S BEDROOM - DAY [Dusty Springfield's "Just A Little Lovin'" plays. Bette lays in bed, apparently alone, smiling. She reaches down. After a moment, she lifts the sheets and smiles - Candace slides out from under the sheets and they kiss tenderly. Candace touches Bette's face.] Candace: I'm so happy to have you here. [Bette seems lost in thought.] Candace: Hello? Bette: Hi. Candace: Hey. Where did you go? [Bette doesn't answer. She stares at Candace. Candace seems concerned.] Candace: What's going on? [Bette looks away. She looks sad.] INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Several people sit around, drinking coffee and talking. Alice and Shane sit at a table together. Alice is knitting; Shane is reading a magazine.] Alice: Dammit... why did I get this assignment? I'm so not a knitter. Shane: Well, it's crazy popular and all the fags I know are doing it. Even some of the straight boys, too. Alice: Right! See? Men should be knitting, and women should be running the world. That's how I see it. That's what I'm gonna write for L.A. Magazine. It's good. Shane: (nodding) Yeah, go for it, they'll love it. [Shane looks down at her magazine, then looks at Alice again.] Shane: How's Tina? Alice: Well, Bette still hasn't called her. Shane: There's something really wrong when God lets two people who are meant to be together come apart like that. [Alice stops knitting and picks up her coffee cup. Shane stares into the distance.] Alice: You believe in God? [Shane still stares into space. Alice sips her coffee.] Alice: Hm. Shane: Wha? Alice: This coffee tastes like poopie sh1t! Where's Marina? [Alice goes back to knitting. Shane looks around.] Shane: I haven't seen her for days, I have no idea. Alice: I don't know, I haven't either. [Shane looks around.] Alice: So listen, do you, um... you wanna talk about anything, or... 'cause that's what friends are for. If you'd like to talk. [Shane flips a page in her magazine and quickly shakes her head at Alice.] Shane: No, I got nothing to talk about. Alice: Shane. Shane: What? [Alice stops and looks at Shane with a little smile. Shane looks at her.] Shane: Aw, quit bein' such a lez! [Alice resumes knitting. Shane goes back to her magazine.] Alice: Well, what! You're just back from Cherie Jaffe-land? Shane: Nothing's changed, I'm still me. Alice: Ohhh, so you still live by the code. [Shane looks up from her magazine.] Alice: You don't do relationships. Shane: It's not a code, it's me. [We see a pair of pink high heels coming in through the door. Shane looks up and sighs.] Shane: Oh, sh1t. [Alice looks over. It's Tonya, Dana's fiancee. She sees Alice and Shane and waves at them, then heads off to order at the counter.] Alice: Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do some - uh, pretend I'm upset. Shane: What, what? [Alice puts down her knitting and turns toward Shane. She pokes her. Shane quickly sits up and puts her magazine down.] Alice: Put your arm around me! [Shane complies.] Alice: Um... I'll just start sobbing, and... [The sit close together. Alice puts on a glum face and starts to try to sound like she's been crying. Shane pretends to comfort her.] Alice: ... obviously it'll be a really intimate moment. [Shane takes Alice' hand and nods at her.] Alice: (sounding sad) I mean... no halfway-sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting. [Shane shakes her head, still going along. Tonya finishes ordering and darts over to their table.] Tonya: Guys, you guys! [Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing.] Tonya: This place is falling apart! (gasps) Did you guys hear what happened to Marina? Alice: What? EXT. - A RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY [Dana is jogging down the street, toward the camera. She's in a t-shirt and shorts, and very sweaty. At the camera, she stops, turns around, and drops to the ground and begins doing push-ups in the middle of the street. After doing a handful, she jumps to her feet and runs back the other way.] INT. - THE PLANET - CONTINUED Tonya: A nervous breakdown, complete and total, she had to be hospitalized. [Alice and Shane look at her, shocked.] Alice: Wh... Shane: She tried to off herself? Tonya: She slit her wrists, at the Bel Air Hotel, in the penthouse suite. Alice: That's horrible! [Shane and Alice stare at Tonya slack-jawed.] Tonya: She was wearing that fabulous Dolce & Gabana suit, the men's cut - Shane: (to Alice) We should see her. [Alice nods at Shane.] Tonya: Too late. Her mother put on a plane, she's back in Milan. She's a contessa, you know. [Alice and Shane are still staring, stunned.] Tonya: I know, she's a contessa, Marina's a contessa. [Shane stares at Tonya, mouth agape, as Alice makes faces trying to keep up with the flurry of information. Without losing a breath, Tonya shouts past Alice and Shane.] Tonya: Honey! Honey! Honey, honey, come here! Hi... [Alice turns to see Dana walking in, still in her workout clothes, covered in sweat, and smiling back at her. Alice quickly turns back around and looks down at the table. Dana makes her way to the table and sits down next to Tonya.] Tonya: (to Dana) I was just telling the girls how I almost became your future ex-wife last night. Dana: Oh! (chuckles) Kinda freaked out with the wedding planners. (laughs) Tonya: (to the staff) Excuse me, we need a green tea! Iced! [Alice stares at the table, looking somewhat melancholy. She looks up at Dana quickly. Dana catches her. They exchange a serious glance. Tonya turns back around and sees the moment.] Tonya: (to Alice) Are you okay? Alice: Hunh? (a beat) Yeah! Ummm, freaked out. About... Marina. [Alice resumes looking at the table. Shane looks at her.] Dana: Oh yeah, thank God for the bell boy. He came in right as she was about to jump. Shane: (to Tonya) Wait, wait, you said she slit her wrists. Alice: Yeah - Tonya: (to Dana) Look at you! All sweaty! [Tonya starts dabbing the sweat from Dana's brow with a napkin. Dana blushes.] Tonya: Isn't it cute how she perspires so much? [Alice looks away. Dana stops Tonya.] Dana: (to Alice) So how's Tina? Has Bette called yet? [Alice shakes her head.] Tonya: Apparently, she walked in on them in their very own bedroom. [Alice shakes her head, smiling.] Dana: (sarcastic, to Dana) Okay! Miss Inside Story. How did Tina find out? Alice: (to Tonya) Well, actually, Tonya, um, she guessed, because she saw them touching hands, and then... she knew everything. Dana: (sarcastic, to Dana) How could she tell just by seeing them touch hands. Shane: Women can do that. Alice: (to Dana) Yeah, especially dykes. [Dana frowns at Alice. Tonya continues on her train of thought.] Tonya: Well, I don't know what Bette was thinking. I mean, you don't step out on a woman like Tina for somebody who hammers planks for a living. [Alice rolls her eyes, laughing, getting agitated.] Alice: Oh my... ! What're you saying, Tonya, that it would've been okay if Candace had a better job? [Tonya opens her mouth to respond but Shane cuts in.] Shane: Guys, it's not our business. Alice: But Bette loves Tina, there's no doubt about it! Dana: (to Alice) So then, they could just - why can't they work it out? [Alice stares at Dana, then looks at Shane.] Shane: 'Cause of the s*x thing, and Bette can't help it. Dana: (to Alice) So if it's just a s*x thing then, you can, get it under control, right? [Alice stares at Dana, looking sad.] Tonya: Women can control it. Men sometimes can't because they're controlled by their peckers. Alice: (to Tonya) There is no difference between men and women and this is a perfect example or Bette would've called it off. Tonya: (shocked) Bette is still schtuping the carpenter?! [Tonya makes an "oh my God" face.] Dana: God, I feel so awful for Tina. [Alice folds her arms and stares at the ceiling.] Shane: Guys. Tonya: Well, Bette better get that pecker under control! Shane: Guys! [Everybody looks at Shane. They all turn to see what she's staring at. It's Tina. Tina smiles uncomfortably.] EXT. - FARMER'S MARKET - DAY [Jenny and Gene are walking down the rows of vendor fruit and vegetable stands. Throngs of people walk around, shopping.] Gene: You know those skinny, Japanese ones? [As Gene talks, Jenny watches the crowd. Gene looks at her, and continues talking.] Gene: They don't really look like mushrooms, you know, they kinda look more like noodles, or something. [Jenny watches a pair of lesbian couples pass by. Both couples seem very happy, arm in arm, clutching flowers and other assorted purchases. One of the couples kiss.] Gene: I never um... uh, what to... [Jenny is completely vacant from the conversation. She smiles as the women pass by. Gene looks at her, then at the women.] Gene: ... do with them. [Gene pulls Jenny by the hand, jostling her out of her reverie.] Jenny: Wha? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What were you saying? [Gene shakes his head, then continues.] Gene: Uh, I was talking about mushrooms. Jenny: Right. Right, right, right. Do you like mushrooms? Gene: Selectively. Jenny: Uh... they - they really do scare me. Ah, I remember in third grade, there was this beautiful girl - God. Gorgeous. Her name was, uh... [As Jenny talks, she sees another female couple stroll by. One of them holds a baby and the other pushes a stroller. Jenny looks dreamily at them as she speaks.] Jenny: ... Miriam, and she had this wild mushroom, and just was in the hospital for like three weeks, and had this allergic reaction and... [Gene stares at the women as they pass.] Jenny: God, she missed the relay race, and... wow. I've never actually seen onions on a stem before. [Jenny walks over to an attractive female vendor selling organic stemmed white onions. The vendor smiles at her.] Jenny: Do they taste different? Vendor: Smell them. [The vendor smiles and holds up a handful of the onions. Gene rolls his eyes, looking put off. Jenny smells the onions, and crinkles her nose.] Jenny: Oh. That's very strong. [The vendor smiles, and puts the onions back on the table.] Gene: (to the vendor) Do you wanna f*ck her right here, or, do you both wanna come back to my place? [Jenny stares at Gene in disbelief.] Jenny: Gene! Gene: 'Cause I don't think my roommate's home - [Jenny takes Gene's arm and leads him away.] Jenny: No, no. (to the vendor) I'm sorry. [Jenny walks several feet away and stops and faces Gene.] Jenny: Okay. What's going on? Gene: Look, I didn't press you into this. Alright. You said you wanted to keep seeing me. So. Jenny: Yeah, I know, I know. Gene: What is it? Jenny: And I said that I like you. Gene: Well that's really nice, you know. I like you, too. But we don't have s*x. Okay? There it is. I'd like to be having s*x with the woman I cook for... make mix-tapes for you, you don't wanna have s*x! And... I know why! It's because you're gay. [Several people nearby turn to look.] Gene: Alright? That's it! I'm sorry to break it to you, but you are a girl-loving, full-on lesbian! Jenny: I don't think that's for you to say. Gene: Well, deal with it. Alright? [Gene gives Jenny the flowers he was carrying.] Gene: Good luck. [Gene turns and walks away.] INT. - THE PLANET BATHROOM - DAY [A toilet flushes. Alice emerges from one of the stalls and goes to the sink. Dana is standing there. Alice smiles and goes to wash her hands. Dana looks a little nervous.] Dana: Are we ever gonna talk about this? Alice: Talk about what? [Alice reaches past Dana for a paper towel. They stare at each other as she dries her hands.] Dana: Okay. [Dana shakes her head and starts to leave.] Alice: Hold on. [Dana walks back and stands in front of Alice.] Alice: It was a mistake, right? [They stare at each other. Dana looks down, then up again.] Dana: If you say so. Alice: Well, what about you, you don't have anything to say? Dana: You're the one who kissed me first. Alice: (chuckling) I do remember you kissing me back. Dana: (a beat) After you started it. [Alice looks down shyly.] Alice: So if I was to kiss you again? [Dana looks nervous. Alice leans in. They start to kiss hungrily.] INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Alice steps out of the bathroom and walks quickly back to the table, straightening her clothes.] Tonya: (to Shane) Oh. You know. Oh... Alice will know. [Alice sits down at the table.] Tonya: Alice, Al, what's the uh... booking agency. Not Smash Box, but, you know. [Alice picks up her knitting.] Alice: Uh, Fred Segal Hair and Makeup? Shane: Tonya, listen, it's cool. Alright. The agency is fine. They got me a job. Tina: Who's the client? Shane: Um. (thinks) Ariana, someone. Tonya: (shocked) Ariana Huffington? Shane: Yeah. She um... she wrote a book. She's doing a book tour, and she's doing all these TV talk shows. Tonya: David Letterman, Jay Leno, Bill O'Reilly? C'mon! Alice: (to Shane) Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy. Shane: I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna f*ck her. Alice: Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would. Shane: Huh. [Dana comes back to the table and sits down.] Shane: Well in that case, if she's hot... [Alice and Dana stare at each other.] Tonya: (to Dana) Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington. Dana: You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane! Shane: Her hair. Dana: Ah. Tina: Look, it's great, Shane. If things go well with Ariana Huffington, then... maybe you can get some film clients. You could go on location, you could travel... Shane: Yeah, that'd be cool. Tina: Yeah. That's great. I gotta go, you guys. [Tina goes to pick up her coffee cup and stand. When she looks up, Bette is walking to the table, a forlorn expression on her face. Everyone looks at her.] Bette: Don't worry, I'm not going to ask to join you. I know that you all probably think that I'm a monster. I just - I have something that I need to say to Tina. [Shane starts to stand up.] Shane: Do you want us to go? [Tina puts a hand on Shane's arm.] Tina: No. (to Bette) If you have something to say, say it here. [Everyone looks a little uncomfortable.] Bette: Tina... I didn't try to... see you, or... call you until now because I wanted to make sure... that I could do what you asked of me. [Tina listens.] Bette: I promise. (voice wavering) I am not going to ever see her again, I am not ever going to speak to her again, I am not ever going to think about her again. [Tina doesn't respond. Bette is near tears.] Bette: I miss you. More than that, I need you. And I don't think that I can... I don't think that I can live without you. [Bette waits for a response. Tina still says nothing.] Bette: It is completely and totally over. [Shane looks up at Bette. Alice and Dana look at each other. Tonya looks down her nose.] Tina: When did you end it? Bette: This morning, and I told her that you were the love of my life and that I didn't know what I was doing and that I must've gone temporarily insane. [Tina looks a little angry.] Tina: Did you tell her in person? Or on the phone. Bette: Why does that matter? Tina: Because I drove by the house at 2:00 AM. And your car wasn't there. (shouting) Did youfuck all night before you told her I was the love of your life this morning?! [Tina immediately grabs the table and flips it over. Bette jumps back. Everybody nearby looks at them. Alice tries to comfort Tina; Tina throws her off and gets up to walk away. Bette stands there, watching her go.] [Tonya stands and stares in shock, her white skirt covered in coffee.] Tonya: (gasps) INT. - IVAN'S GARAGE, BEST PICTURE CARS - DAY [Several mechanics, male and female, work on vintage automobiles.] EXT. - BEST PICTURE CARS - DAY [Ivan walks with Kit amongst the vintage autos parked outside.] Ivan: So rentals is the cash cow of the business, but my real love is picture cars. Kit: Picture cars. Ivan: Yeah. For the movies? Kit: Oh, yeah. Ivan: A director will come in and tell me he wants to put Billy Bob in the exact, souped-up, Hemi under-glass Bob Riggle drove in the stock car races in Jersey when he was a kid, you know? He'll want the slicks, and the scoops, and the Pink Panther flames, exactly like he remembers it in his head. Kit: (chuckling) Ivan, you are speaking a foreign language to me. And you know what that does to a girl. [They stop. Ivan smiles.] Ivan: Let's go inside, I got something I wanna show ya. C'mon. INT. - BEST PICTURE CARS - IVAN'S OFFICE - DAY [Ivan and Kit walk up the stairs to a modest office above the garage. The office is furnished with vintage auto parts, bookcases, trophies, framed pictures of cars and old car ads, 1950s calendar girl pin-ups, retro office furniture.] Ivan: By driving into the wall at a hotel parking garage? Doesn't sound like a very serious suicide attempt to me. Kit: Well, that's the talk at The Planet. You know, I feel so bad, because... I didn't know she was hurting that much. [Ivan sits on the edge of his desk.] Kit: I know. Let go, and let God. [Kit spots a framed newspaper article sitting on Ivan's desk. She reads the title.] Kit: Oh... "Ivan Aycock: vintage restorer to the stars". That's the bomb! I had no idea. [Ivan smiles. Kit looks around, nodding.] Kit: This is your office. Ivan: Look, I invited you here because I have a little present for you. [Kit takes a seat in a nearby chair. Ivan reaches into a desk drawer behind himself, and produces a small, rectangular jewelry box.] Kit: Oh, Ivan, I - can't. Ivan: (smiling) It's not what you think. Open it. [Kit takes the box and opens the lid. She pulls out a set of keys.] Kit: Okay? [Ivan grins and takes the keys.] Ivan: This is a key to my apartment. I live two blocks from The Planet. I just want you to feel free to stop by anytime you need a break from work. Kit: Oh... I mean, it's not a done deal yet. I still have to go to the bank tomorrow, and have my meeting, and then I have a lot to work on with Marina's family. Her mom was some kinda damn contessa. Ivan: (smiling) She may be a contessa. But as far as I'm concerned... Kit, you're a queen. Don't you forget it. [Ivan holds the keys out. Kit reluctantly takes them. There's an extra key on the ring. She holds it up.] Kit: What's this one for? [Ivan grins, and walks to the large window on the other side of his office. He opens the blinds and looks down at something outside. Kit walks over.] Kit: (gasps) That looks like my car. [Outside in the lot sits Kit's car - what once was an old bombed-out green Chevy is now shiny and restored like new.] Kit: Sorta. Ivan: I did a little work on it. Kit: A little! Ah! Ivan: A little restoration to help you celebrate getting your license restored. Kit: No one's ever done anything like that for me. I don't know how to thank you. [Kit steps closer to Ivan. They're about to kiss. Ivan puts a hand on Kit's shoulder.] Ivan: Not yet. Kit: Why? Ivan: Because you're not sure. And I want you... to be sure. C'mon, gorgeous. Let's go take it for a spin. C'mon. [Kit and Ivan walk back downstairs, out to the car. Kit runs out to it and touches it. She leans back against it and smiles.] Kit: Oooh, yes. [Ivan opens the driver's door for her. Kit gets in. Ivan goes to the other side and gets in.] Kit: Ah, it looks fabulous. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. - TIM'S HOUSE - DAY [Tim is packing a moving truck. He carries empty boxes from the truck to the back porch of the house. Jenny sits on the stoop nearby.] Jenny: Wow. So, Oberlin's supposed to be a really great school. Tim: Yeah, it's a great team. Jenny: (sing-song) Coach Haspel! Tim: You know, they want me there a week from Monday, so I figure I'd give myself five days to drive to Ohio. Jenny: Right. Hey. Are you still gonna get your teaching certificate? Tim: Maybe. You find an apartment yet? Jenny: No. It's so depressing, Tim. Tim: You should stay here. Take over the lease. Jenny: Oh, no. Can't afford the rent on this house. Tim: What about your new job? Jenny: Um, waitresses at Hank 59 do not get paid that much. Tim: Think about it. You know the rent's all paid through the end of the month. Jenny: Are you serious? You'd actually let me stay here? [Tim closes the loading door on the truck.] Tim: Yeah, what? I'm gonna kick you out on principle? [Tim walks over to Jenny.] Jenny: Are you serious, Tim? That would be amazing. Thing is, I just... I need to focus right now, 'cause I'm just, like... and, okay. Charlotte Birch is teaching this master class at C.U. and I'm just trying to get in, you know. Whatever, I'm just having the worst time with my writing, I'm just... (shrugs) I don't know, I'm just feeling kinda blocked. [Tim walks back into the house.] INT. - GARAGE STUDIO - DAY [Jenny sits on the bed in the corner, with her laptop, typing. She stops and reads aloud what she's written.] Jenny: (reading) "How every time one person has s*x with another person, each of their previous sexual encounters is evoked. How that links us all into an infinite network of human connections." (thinks, then reads again) "Each of their previous sexual encounters is evoked. How that links us into an infinite network of human connections." [Closeup of the laptop screen. The cursor sits at the end of "connections". Jenny sits for a moment, tapping her finger on the laptop. After a moment, she leans in and begins typing again.] Jenny: (voice over) "What Jane understood was that her parents were fighting again." JENNY'S DAYDREAM - [Night. A large, green field. In the distance are the bright lights of a ferris wheel and a carnival. A little girl sits on a blanket in the field between a man and a woman, who are standing. The man is shouting and pointing at the woman angrily, but we can't hear what he says. The woman, who looks like Robin, is upset.] Jenny: (voice over) "Their human connection, tenuous the night before, now wearing dangerously thin. [The man walks away.] Little girl: Don't leave. [The man stops and turns. It's Tim.] INT. - GARAGE STUDIO - DAY [Jenny types on her laptop.] EXT. - BETTE'S HOUSE - POOLSIDE - NIGHT [Bette sits in a lounger, nursing a glass of wine, staring at the pool. She takes a drink. Behind her, Tim walks up from his moving van. He has empty boxes in his hands.] Tim: Hey. [Bette doesn't respond.] Tim: Hey, Bette. [Bette continues to stare at the pool.] Bette: Hi, Tim. Tim: (a beat) I just, uh, wanna say goodbye. Bette: (a little tipsy) Oh, yeah, you going somewhere? Tim: Ohio. Bette: Ohio. Really. For how long? Tim: I took a job there. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow. [Bette doesn't respond.] Tim: So. Good luck. [Tim starts to walk away. Bette turns.] Bette: sh1t, wai- Tim... (getting up) I'm sorry. I didn't know you were moving away. Tim: Don't worry about it, it's fine. [Bette walks over to where he's standing and sits down on the steps.] Bette: You - wait - you're moving to Ohio for good? Tim: I don't - I don't know if it's for good but... (shrugs) yeah. Look, uh... I just... I'm glad I got to know you. Bette: (smiles) Well I'm glad I got to know you too, Tim. [They smile at each other.] Bette: I'll miss you. Tim: (chuckles) Who knows, maybe some other poor sucker will move in here with his sexually confused girlfriend, and you can introduce one of your predatory friends and she can seduce her, and his whole life can fall apart. Bette: You know she tried to kill herself. She tried to drive her car off the PCH or something. Tim: Marina? Bette: I mean I can't blame you if you're, you know, not sorry for her. Tim: No, I mean... I wouldn't wish that on anyone. You just - you never expect your life to throw you so totally off plan. You know what I mean? Bette: Yeah, I think I do. [Bette takes a drink of her wine.] Tim: Is Tina around? I'd really like to say goodbye to her. Bette: No. She's not here. Tim: Well... if I don't see her, could you tell her I said goodbye? Bette: (smiles) Yeah, sure. [Tim starts to walk away. Bette gets up, still clutching her wine glass.] Bette: Hey. [They shake hands. Bette pulls him into an embrace. They hug for a moment, then Tim picks his boxes up and walks off. Bette turns and goes to sit back down by the pool.] INT. - GARAGE STUDIO - NIGHT [Jenny is looking through her mail. She pulls an envelope out of the stack, opens it, and reads it. It's from Partridge Gill Publishing. It reads in part: "Dear Ms. Schecter, We regret to inform you that your manuscript was not selected for publication... note that this does not reflect upon you as a writer, but upon Partridge..."] [Jenny walks over to the window, where she has several other rejection letters pinned up. She pins it up with them, then sits back down at her desk and stacks her bills.] EXT. - A HOLLYWOOD LOT - DAY [Rock music plays. Several people, some in costume, walk around. Shane walks by a building marked "Stage 5". She reads something in her hand.] INT. - DRESSING ROOM - DAY [Ariana Huffington sits in a chair in front of a mirror. Shane stands at the counter top, getting her hairdressing gear out. A woman touches up Ariana's makeup and leaves. Shane smiles at Ariana in the mirror.] Shane: Hey. Ariana: Hey. Shane: (smiles) I'm Shane. Ariana: (extending hand) Hi, Shane, I'm Ariana. [Shane turns and they shake hands.] Shane: Hey, Ariana. Ariana: I like what you're wearing. Shane: Thank you. [Note: Shane is wearing glasses, a silver necklace, a white shirt with the collar turned up, jeans, and a black tuxedo jacket.] Ariana: Who do you dress for? Shane: Uh... (chuckles) Um... myself. And the girlies sometimes, but mostly me. Ariana: So, you're gay? Shane: Totally. (nods) Yes. Ariana: You know, I was at a dinner the other night... [Shane leans against the counter.] Ariana: ... and someone said that dykes are the new fags. What do you think about that? [Shane leans forward, thinks about it.] Shane: (smiles) I think people like to categorize things too much. [Ariana smiles and nods. Shane goes to stand behind her and starts combing through her hair.] Shane: So what's your book about? Ariana: This country, politics... Shane: Yeah? Ariana: ... my ideas about how to make the world better. Shane: (smiling) Good for you. Ariana: What about you, Shane? What do you want? Shane: Um... (chuckling) well, I haven't really thought about it. Um. Ariana: What about love? Shane: No. Love's a bitch. I'd rather just have a good time and move on. [Ariana smiles and nods. A young woman, Carmen, walks in, carrying a tray full of cups.] Carmen: Alright, Miss Huffington, here's your soy latte. [Carmen sets one of the cups down on the counter. She smiles at Shane.] Carmen: Um. Can I get you anything? [Shane stares at Carmen, still working on Ariana's hair. Ariana smiles at Shane in the mirror.] Shane: (shakes head) No. Thank you. Carmen: Just let me know if you change your mind. Um, I'm Carmen. Shane: (nods, smiles) Hey Carmen. Carmen: Hey. Shane: (smiles) I'm Shane. [Carmen giggles and quickly walks off. Shane and Ariana watch her go.] Shane: See ya. INT. - LARGE HALLWAY ON SET - DAY [Shane follows Ariana and her makeup artist to the set. Halfway there, they run into Carmen, who's pushing a huge cart overflowing with videotapes. She nearly runs into Shane.] Carmen: Hey. (giggles) Sorry. Shane: (smiling) Hi. [Carmen pushes the cart down the hallway. Shane smiles as she watches her. Ariana steps up to Shane.] Ariana: Don't worry, I'll be fine. Shane: (still watching Carmen) But I should... be here for you. Ariana: (smiling) Go. [Shane looks at Ariana. Ariana smiles and nods. Shane grins, and heads off to catch up with Carmen.] INT. - HALLWAY - DAY [Carmen pushes the cart through a set of doors, into another hallway. Shane walks next to her, carrying an armful of the videotapes.] Carmen: So anyway. This is my day job. Um... last week I PA'd at a Fischerspooner video. Shane: Cool. Carmen: I know. I DJ, too, I do Little Temple on Fridays and then I do a night of old school, body wave and electro at MRX every other Wednesday. Shane: Very cool. [They look at each other as they walk.] Carmen: (laughs) So what about you, what do you do when you're not doing hair? [Carmen stops at a door. Shane laughs.] Shane: What do I do... nothin' much. Hang out. Carmen: Yeah. Shane: Whatever.. [Shane sets the videos she was carrying on the cart.] Carmen: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Got it. Voice over P.A.: We need final touches on Miss Huffington. [Carmen giggles.] Shane: Catch ya later. Carmen: Alright. [Shane turns and slowly walks back down the hallway. Carmen thinks a moment, then grabs a CD from the cart.] Carmen: Hey Shane? [Shane turns.] Carmen: Um... do you wanna listen to something really cool? INT. - AUDIO BOOTH - DAY [A drum and bass techno remix of the L Word theme plays loudly over the studio monitors. Shane leans against the soundboard. Carmen works the controls, pressing a pair of headphones to one ear.] Carmen: So I heard this mix at The Knitting Factory last weekend. I mean this is... (laughs) this is exactly where I wanna be in like 5 years from now. Shane: (smiling) I like a girl with ambition. Carmen: (laughing) f*ck you! [Shane laughs.] Shane: Okay. If you want. [Carmen looks at Shane. Shane shrugs, smiling a little. Carmen smiles, puts the headphones down and kisses her.] [The music plays loudly. The words echo on the track in time with the beat: "kissing... f*cking... girls... the way that we live."] [They kiss passionately. Shane boosts Carmen onto the soundboard, still kissing. She removes her jacket and takes her glasses off.] [Camera shot of the studio monitor throbbing with the beat.] [Shane pulls Carmen's shirt over her head; Carmen has black tribal tattoos on her shoulders. They kiss again. Shane unbuttons Carmen's jeans, and finds more tattoos around her hips. She stops and looks at them.] Shane: Wow. Where does this lead? Carmen: Oh. It was from my father. I never met him, but... [Shane turns Carmen around. The tattoos circle Carmen's waist and terminate at her back in opposing dragon heads.] Carmen: ... supposedly he was some kind of Mayan medicine man. [The music slows. Shane kisses Carmen's back.] Shane: How come you never met him? Carmen: He died in a motorcycle crash before I was born. [The music picks up again. Shane kisses her shoulder. Carmen turns around, and they start to kiss. Shane boosts her back up onto the soundboard and kisses down her body.] INT. - PRODUCTION BOOTH - DAY [The production crew await the start of the show. A woman wearing a headset mic walks out of the room.] Woman: (mad) Look, I don't want any talking in here alright? (into headset) what is going on? Could someone get me a 20 on Shane? Bob, go to 2 for me. Yeah, well that's because I called final touches five minutes ago, so where's hair?! INT. - AUDIO BOOTH - DAY [The music blasts from the monitors. Shane kisses down Carmen's body.] INT. - CAC MEETING ROOM - DAY [Bette sits at the table with a young man who's doing a presentation from his laptop. He presses a key and on a flatscreen monitor on the opposite wall, a painting comes up.] Man: He'll do a large-scale painting for one of the lobby walls, based on Japanese anime. It's an illicit exterior... [He looks nervously at Bette. She's clearly frustrated, resting her head against her hand as she flips through a booklet. She's not even looking at the presentation.] Bette: (irritated) Go on, I'm listening! I'm listening. Man: An a illicit exterior installation, uh, just below the Sawtelle-405 freeway overpass - [Bette looks at the presentation.] Bette: You know I saw Noble's performance piece where he crawled naked across a table, ranting about his weakness and perfidy. Who do you think is gonna fund that? Man: (nodding) Oh, I applied to the Ahmanson Foundation. Bette: Never gonna happen, they're way too conservative. [The man nods and stares at his laptop. Bette goes back to the booklet. James walks in. He puts a note in front of her that reads: "Candace Jewell on the phone."] Bette: (loudly) No! James: (whispers) This is like the fifth time she's called. Bette: (angry) You tell her to f*cking stop calling. [James walks away. Bette sighs. She speaks to the man again, in a calm voice.] Bette: Apply to the Peabody Foundation, they might fund a Noble project. [Bette sighs and stares up at the monitor.] INT. - HANK'S DINER - DAY [Jenny, in an orange waitress uniform, walks with another waitress from the back.] Waitress: Okay, so you do number three, and I will take two and five, okay? Jenny: Okay. Waitress: Are you okay with that? Jenny: (smiles) Yes. [Jenny walks up to customers at a table.] Jenny: Hello, how are you? May I um, please take your order? Customer: Uh, we have a few questions, are the burgers made with New Zealand or American beef? [Robin walks into the diner.] Customer: I'd like to substitute feta cheese for the American cheese... [Jenny sees Robin and waves. Robin sits at a table near the front.] Customer: ... and mixed greens for the fries. Jenny: (to customers) Um, will you please excuse me for a second? I will be right back. [Jenny walks over to Robin.] Customer: We'd like to order. Jenny: Okay. (to Robin, smiling) Hi. What's going on? Robin: Uh, I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Jenny: I'm okay. I mean, I'm gonna be a shitty waitress, but... I'm okay, ya know. Robin: You haven't heard, obviously. Jenny: Haven't heard what? Robin: (hesitating) Marina tried to commit suicide. [Jenny stares blankly, then starts to shake her head.] Robin: Yeah. She checked into the Bel Air Hotel. The Presidential Suite. Jenny: You said she tried, she didn't... kill herself? Robin: No, apparently, uh... the people across the hall heard shouting, they thought a woman was getting hurt so they called the front desk. The bell boy, um... [Jenny looks flushed, near tears.] Robin: ... found Marina alone in the room, with like 3 bottle of pills, totally out of her skull. Jenny: (sadly) Oh, poor Marina. Robin: They called me. (scoffs) I don't know why, I guess my number was in her purse. I managed to find her mother, I remembered Marina telling me me she lives in Umbria, so... Jenny: (nods) In a villa. [Jenny looks down, sadly.] Robin: Jen, I feel like maybe I shouldn't say this, but... when I got to the hospital... (hesitates) she was calling your name. [After a moment, Jenny turns and walks away.] Customer: (snobby) Miss! We'd like to order. EXT. - RODEO DRIVE - DAY [Tonya are walking down the sidewalk, holding hands. There are lots of stores on either side of the street and shoppers walking around.] Tonya: Pookie, you won't believe this! [Tonya pulls her toward a store window.] Dana: Whoa. Tonya: Look at this. Dana: (points) That? Tonya: Isn't this beautiful? [Dana leans closer to the window.] Dana: (reading) The Jura Capresso S8 Espresso Coffee Maker? [We see an overgrown espresso maker sitting in the window, along with a price tag.] Dana: (shocked) One thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine dollars? Tonya! We can't register for that! Tonya: Well Da - (flustered)... a few people might chip in together. [Dana looks at her and scoffs.] Tonya: Dana, do not second-guess the generosity of our friends. [Dana looks at the espresso maker. Tonya looks at her watch.] Tonya: Now, look, I wanna show you something at Geary's. [Tonya walks off. Dana crinkles her face up at the espresso maker, then follows. Her cell phone rings. Dana looks at the caller ID then answers it.] Dana: (phone) Hello! INT. - ALICE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Dana: (off screen) (phone) This is Dana Fairbanks. [Alice is sitting in her living room with her knitting group. She gets up when Dana answers.] Alice: (phone) Hi! Yeah, hi! Um... I - I think we should talk. EXT. - RODEO DRIVE - DAY Dana: (phone) Uh-huh... (to Tonya) It's Robbie, my old - tennis partner before Harrison...

Plan: A: Five months later; Q: When does Bette beg Tina for forgiveness? A: Bette; Q: Who begs Tina for forgiveness? A: Tina; Q: Who is pregnant again? A: Candace; Q: Who did Bette have an affair with? A: their romantic tryst; Q: What are Alice and Dana hiding from their friends? A: Jenny; Q: Who is having writer's block? A: an emotional goodbye; Q: What does Jenny say to Tim? A: Tim; Q: Who is leaving town for a job in Ohio? A: Shane; Q: Who lands a new lover? A: a part-time DJ; Q: What is Carmen's occupation? A: Carmen de la Pica Morales; Q: What is the name of Shane's new lover? A: Sarah Shahi; Q: Who plays Carmen de la Pica Morales? A: hairstyling; Q: What is Shane doing at the movie studio? A: her attempted suicide; Q: What did Marina do after her nervous breakdown? A: The Planet; Q: What does Kit buy? A: mixed feelings; Q: What does Kit have over hanging out with Ivan? Summary: Five months later. Bette desperately begs for forgiveness from Tina over her affair with Candace. But Tina is revealed to be hiding a shocking secret from her friends that she happens to be pregnant again. Alice and Dana continue to hide their romantic tryst from the others, including Tonya. Jenny finds herself with writer's block and saying an emotional goodbye to Tim as he prepares to leave town for a job in Ohio. Shane lands a new lover, a part-time DJ named Carmen de la Pica Morales ( Sarah Shahi ), whom she meets at a movie studio while doing hairstyling. With Marina gone after learning of her nervous breakdown and her attempted suicide, Kit decides to buy The Planet and continues to have mixed feelings over hanging out with Ivan ( Kelly Lynch ).

Act 1 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa. Fade in. Frasier is sitting at a table, talking on his cell phone. Frasier: A gold leaf candle snuffer? Huh. My, what a spendthrift this Charles the Tenth was. Well of course I want you to bid on it for me, Greg, so start waving your paddle! Roz comes in and sits next to Frasier. Roz: Hey. Frasier: Oh, Roz, you got my message! Roz: Yeah, you said you had good news. What's up? Frasier: More important: What's down? Roz: Oh, fun. Wordplay. Frasier: No, no, the ratings are out for KACL's first six months of all-salsa radio. Roz: And they were lousy? Frasier: They aspire to lousy! Roz: So I guess they'll be looking for a new format. Frasier: Better yet: an old format! Roz: What, you think they're gonna bring us back? Frasier: That's the scuttlebutt on the street. Roz: Oh, this is great! Aren't you thrilled? Frasier: I'd be shouting it from the rooftops if I weren't saving my instrument. The waitress, Colette, brings Frasier his coffee. Colette is a perky blonde whose youthful prettiness hides a semi-omnipotent prescience, after the style of Wodehouse's Jeeves. Frasier: Thank you. Colette: May I help you? Roz: Non-fat capp... Haven't seen you before. I'm Roz, this is Frasier. Colette: Colette. Frasier: Ah, your mother was a fan of the great French novelist and raconteur Sidonie-Gabriel Colette. Colette: [going along] OK. Bulldog comes in, carrying a magazine. Bulldog: Hey, guys, you won't... [sees Colette] Whoa! Any more like you at home? Colette: No. Bulldog: Good, we'll have privacy. [ordering] Short drip. Colette: [introducing] Colette. Bulldog: [dropping the magazine on the table and sitting] Hey, you guys seen these numbers? Frasier: Yes. Bulldog: Salsa radio is in el dumperacha. Frasier: See? Bulldog: KACL is gonna be on their knees begging us to come back to work. Roz: You know that lady from the temp agency who's always saying I have a bad attitude? Frasier: Yes. Roz: I can't wait to tell that bean-counting fathead where she can put her timesheet! I'm quitting on the way home! Colette: [bringing Roz's coffee] Ooh... Frasier: What? Did you say something? Colette: No. No, never mind. Frasier: You know what? I better cancel my lecture next week. Can't be out of town if I'm gonna be working. Colette: [walking behind them] Ooh... Frasier: Is everything all right, Collette? Colette: Oh, I hate this. Roz: What? Colette: Well, I overhear things. I'm not trying to, it just happens when you're a waitress. Roz: And you overheard something about KACL? Colette: They're not dropping salsa. Roz: What? Frasier: How do you know that? Colette: Well, the station owner was in this morning and he said "It's my station, and I like salsa music, and I'm sticking with it." But that could mean anything. Roz: I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Bulldog: This stinks! This is total BS! Frasier: Oh, what are you upset about, Bulldog? You've got a job. Bulldog: Not anymore. I got canned last Friday for somethin' I said on the air. I was talking to this golfer chick who said she wanted to enter the Women's Open. Like I'm supposed to leave that alone. He grabs the magazine and stomps out. Roz: I'm starting to think we're never going back to work. Frasier: Now, now, Roz, they can't stay with a failing format forever. I guarantee you, in three months, if the numbers are this bad, they'll have to make a change. Roz: Three months is an eternity. My rent's gone up, the baby stuff costs a fortune. I stopped buying Alice those little pink headbands they make for little girls whose hair hasn't grown in yet. Now when I go out, I just call her Howard. Frasier: [pulling out his checkbook] Well, Roz, you know what? If things have gotten that tight, let me lend you some money to tide you over. Roz: Oh that's very sweet, but I couldn't. Frasier: No, please, it's not a hardship for me, I'll be fine for the next three months. Roz: Oh, I don't know. I'm not sure I feel comfortable taking money from you. Frasier: Try putting your hair in a bun. That used to help Lilith. Now, how much can I give you? Roz: Fifteen hundred? I mean, I wouldn't ask for so much, it's just... Frasier: No, no, it's none of my business. You can just pay me back whenever you'd like. This is your money to do with as you see fit. There we are. [Pulls the check out and gives it to her.] Roz: Thank you. Frasier: Oh, please, Roz, don't even mention it. Makes me feel good to share my good fortune with someone. You know what, I just got a call from my antique scout. He's found a gilded candle snuffer that the Seattle Museum would pay a pretty penny for to have in their collection. Colette: [as she's passing towards another table] Ooh... Frasier: I hate her. [SCENE_BREAK] SPA VS. SPA Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is sitting in his chair, holding an ice pack on Eddie's head. Niles and Frasier come from the kitchen. Frasier: I'm sorry Niles, I have no idea where it is. I'm not even sure I own one. Niles: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Frasier. Dad, have you seen Frasier's fritatta pan? Beat. Martin: Hi, Marty Crane. I don't believe we've met. Frasier: Dad, what on Earth are you doing? Martin: Oh, Eddie's woozy. There's this vicious blue jay on the terrace that keeps teasing him, then Eddie goes chasing after him, slams into that glass door and this bird just struts around, big as you please, laughing that snooty bird laugh. Niles: Snooty bird laugh? [He sniggers.] Martin: Yeah, like that. Niles gives him a look and goes to get sherry. Martin: I want to put stick-ems on the door so Eddie remembers it's glass. Frasier: Oh, yes, Dad! By al means, let's add rainbow decals to the nose prints and the bits of fur that already festoon it! Martin: Well, you're pretty grouchy for someone who just got his job back. Frasier: Well, maybe that's because I'm not getting my job back! Martin: What happened? You said it was a sure thing this morning. Niles brings a sherry over to Frasier. Frasier: Well it wasn't! I spoke with Bebe, she confirmed that they're keeping salsa. Martin: Oh, I'm sorry. Frasier: Yes, well don't despair, Dad. There are other jobs. Bebe told me that I'm on the short list for the voice of Chester, the Yummy-Nuts Squirrel. Daphne comes in, soaked. Daphne: All right. Don't anyone go out in this weather. I am so soaked, my dress is pasted right on me. It's a good thing I had this coat in the trunk. Niles puts down his glass and walks around behind her grabbing her collar. Niles: Yes, that was lucky. Let me take it for you. Daphne: No, it's all right. I'll keep it on for the moment, thanks. Here you are, Dr. Crane, I stopped off at the Tre Anom Day Spa and picked up your papaya exfoliant and your neck cream por aloe. Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. I wouldn't have sent you out in this weather if it weren't an emergency. Daphne: Oh, by the way, I saw Roz down at the spa, having herself an all-day beauty treatment. She heads off to her room. Frasier: You know, that's strange. Martin: Why? Frasier: Well, Roz has been a little cash poor lately. In fact, I gave her a loan myself this morning. Then she heads down to the Tre Anom. You know, I have half a mind to have a word with her about it. Martin: Uh, bad idea. You loaned her that money, it's hers now. It's not yours and it's none of your business what she does with it. Frasier: Yes, that's exactly what I told her, but still... Martin: Now, trust me. More friendships have been ruined because of something like this. Smartest thing you can do is never bring it up. Frasier: I'm aware of that, Dad, it's just she must have gone straight from the cafe down to the spa! Don't you think that's odd? Martin: Well, not when you stack it up against a man who uses neck cream. Niles: Before you mock this product, you might recall you went to this spa. Martin: What? Niles: Don't you remember? Two years ago. For your birthday I gave you that special gift certificate for you and Sherry to have a day of indulgence. You told me you used it. Martin: Oh, yeah. Right. Niles looks at Frasier with a suspicious look. Frasier: Remind us, Dad, what treatments did you have? Martin: Oh, we got the whole shootin' match. First, they rubbed us all over, and then they uh, they washed us down with this liniment oil, and then they hit us with those hickory sticks. Niles and Frasier share a laugh. Frasier: For God's sake, you've heard us talk about it enough, you'd think you'd be able to bluff a little better than that. Martin: You'd be surprised at what I don't listen to. I'm sorry, Niles, I hope you're not mad. Niles: Mad? No, I'm delighted! If you still have the certificate, we can go together. Martin: Nah, I don't think so. Niles: Oh, please, I need this. Martin: You know, a spa's just not my speed. I just keep picturing myself standing over some drain being hosed down like some old circus animal. Niles: But, Dad, I can't afford this sort of thing for myself anymore. I, I'd go without you but the certificate's in your name. Please? Martin: Oh, all right. Niles: Oh, great! I'm going to go make a reservation before you change your mind. Niles runs off. Frasier smiles. Martin: [getting up] And what are you smirking at? Frasier: Oh, I'm just musing about the timeless moments that bind a father to a son. Game of catch, trip to a fishing hole, shared rain forest mud facial. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa. Fade in. Frasier is sitting at a table, Niles comes in. Frasier: Ah, Niles, I thought today was your spa day. Niles: [sitting] It is, I'm on my way, and I need it now more than ever. Last night, at the Shangri-La, the most scandalous thing happened... Colette brings Frasier's coffee. Frasier: Now's not the best time. Niles: Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there. I'll have... Colette: A non-fat cappuccino? Niles: Good guess! Colette: No, I've waited on you before. Niles: I don't think so, I'm very observant. Colette shrugs, clearly not believing him, and goes to get his coffee. Niles: Anyway, I was invited to a housewarming party for a new arrival, Stuey. I hadn't been there two minutes when I heard a pop. I looked up, there was the '81 Chateau Haut Brion I brought being decanted into a punch bowl of sangria, canned fruit and erotic ice cubes. I haven't been so depressed since Maris started seeing what's-his-name. Colette: [bringing his coffee] Schenkman. Niles: Thank you. Colette: Uh-huh. She walks away, Niles freezes a moment in thought. Roz comes in carrying some bags. Roz: Hey, guys. Frasier: Oh, Roz. Niles: Roz. Roz: Shopping really takes it out of you. Frasier: Really? Stocking up on supplies for baby Alice? Roz: Oh, no, it's Momma's turn today. Back in a minute. She goes to the restrooms, Frasier looks at the bags. Frasier: Bidwell's?! My God, isn't that a little pricey? Niles: I'll say, it's Maris's favorite store. They give points for every dollar you spend there. One year, she got enough to have Tony Bennett come to our house and sing. Frasier: Well at this rate, she's going to go through that loan in no time. I'm just wondering if I should have a talk with her. Niles: No, I understand your impulse, but I'm with Dad on this one. Questioning her about how she's going to spend that money is only going to lead to trouble. Frasier: I'm not sure I agree. Of course the entire point may be moot, anyway. How do I know there's anything more extravagant in here than calendars and socks... [He starts to look in the bags.] Niles: Don't even think about it. You know as well as I do that there is absolutely no justification for going through her bags. Frasier: You're right, there isn't. [He takes his keys and throws them in a bag.] Now there is. Niles: Frasier! Frasier: Just shut up and keep a lookout! [looks] Cashmere sweater?! Bidwell's private label perfume?! Niles: Here she comes. Frasier: [as he sits back down] My keys! Roz: That's the last time I wear the shoes right out of the store, my feet are killing me! Niles: I should go. I want to get down to the spa before Dad. He may bridle when the front desk clerk asks him if he prefers a man or a woman. He leaves. Roz checks her watch. Roz: Wow, is that the time? I've got to meet Carol for lunch at La Gallou. Frasier: La Gallou? Uh, you know, Roz, before you go... Roz: I know, if I drop your name, they'll give me better service. I'll call you later. She leaves, Colette comes over. Colette: Can I get you anything else? Frasier: Yes, a taxi. Colette: I already called. Frasier throws some money down and heads for the door. Fade out. End of Act 1 Act 2 A MOVEABLE FACE Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier is decanting wine and spills some. Frasier: Oh, damn! Daphne: Not to worry, Dr. Crane, I'll have that spot cleaned up in no time. Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. Niles and Martin come in. Niles: Lock up your daughters, the men are back from the hunt! Frasier: Oh, well, boys, how was your day at the spa? Niles: Fantastic. You should have seen Dad. I walked by the serenity room just as Olga and Sergei were giving him a full-body sudsing. Martin: I never felt so clean and so dirty at the same time. He goes to his room. Niles: See you later, Dad. Great day! Frasier brings him some sherry. Niles drops the mask. Frasier: All right, how bad was it? Niles: Mortifying! First of all, he refused to go nude, even in the private rooms. Frasier: [sitting on the couch] Well, Niles, don't forget: Dad is of a different generation. Niles: Wearing socks and underpants and carrying a wallet into a mud bath is not a generational issue. If you ever hear me offer to take Dad to a spa again, wash out my mouth with jug wine. Frasier laughs as he spreads pate on a cracker. Niles: Did you ever get your keys back from Roz? Frasier: No, no. Actually, I had to wait the entire day before she found them in her bag. She's on her way over right now, gives me a chance to talk to her about her spending. Niles: Frasier, why do you insist on traipsing into that minefield? Niles gets his own pate. Frasier: Niles, I don't want to talk to her about it, I have to. At the rate she's spending, she's going to be out of money before we're back to work. And frankly, I'm just a little bit annoyed at how she keeps flaunting it in my face. Expensive lunches, needless extravagances. Frankly I think the entire thing's just a bit insensitive, don't you? Daphne: [getting up from scrubbing] Excuse me, not to interrupt, but six months ago you borrowed forty dollars from me. We were at the wine shop, remember? You couldn't quite scrape together enough for a bottle of your precious Chateau Mr. Fussy-Pants? So I lent you the money. And have I said a peep about it since? No! I just sit here quietly reusing my tea bags while you trundle off to your private clubs ordering gourmet this and imported that! "Are the cigars Cuban?" "Are the Tulips Dutch?" "Oh, good news: my personal shopper just found a dozen antique pudding plates." Who has twelve people over for pudding?! So you gave poor Roz a bit of money! It hasn't changed your life, has it, you sherry-swilling, foie gras- munching hypocrite?! Niles puts down his pate as Daphne stalks off. Frasier: Daphne? I did repay you. Daphne: [turning] What? Frasier: I paid for that parking ticket. Fifty dollars as I recall. It means you owe me ten. Daphne: Oh, right. Well, I'm glad you said something. It's not good to let these things fester. She runs off to her room, Martin comes back in. Martin: Niles, I think I'm having a weird reaction to that spa stuff. My skin's startin' to tingle and tighten up. Niles: Oh, that's the citrus reacting with your natural oils. It's a good sign. Martin: Well, it doesn't feel so good, I just scratched my chin and my eyelid closed. He goes back. The doorbell rings. Niles: Oh, that'll be Roz. Maybe I'll take my leave before the fur starts to fly. Frasier: Oh Niles, there's not going to be any fur flying. Unless of course she bought one on the way over here. Niles opens the door for Roz. Roz: Hey, Niles. Niles: Roz. Frasier: Roz. Roz: Are you on the way out? Niles: Yes, good night. [He leaves.] Roz: Here are your keys. Frasier: Thank you, Roz. We had to turn the whole café inside out looking for them. Roz: I would have been here a lot sooner, but I stopped to get you something. Frasier: Uh, Roz, gosh, you know, you really shouldn't have. Roz: I wanted to. This is just my way of saying "Thank you" for how great you've been. Frasier: But, you see, you really shouldn't have. I mean, for one thing, it's just... Roz gives him his present. It is a crystal decanter. Frasier: Gosh, it is lovely, [It is a crystal decanter.] Roz, it's just that... Listen, there's something I really need to talk to you about... Roz: Now, that decanter is not just to say "Thank you." It's also to say "Congratulations!" The station manager called me half an hour ago, I made him promise he'd let me tell you. The board has reconsidered, they're changing formats, they're bringing us back! Frasier: Oh, well Roz! That's fantastic! Martin comes back. Roz: We start tomorrow! Martin: What's goin' on? Frasier: Good news, Dad, good news! We got our jobs back at KACL! Martin: [his face completely flat] Oh, great. Congratulations. Roz: Well, I thought we'd at least get smile out of you. Martin: [worried and putting a hand to his face] I thought I was smiling. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - The Radio Station. Fade in. In the booth, the salsa DJ (Jorge) is finishing his last show as he and his producer look depressed. People can be seen in the hall behind them, happy. Jorge: ....Adios amigos. Adios, KACL, adios. Cut to the hallway outside the booth. All the old talk radio people are there, happy and celebrating. Bulldog: This is so great, we're all back together again. Frasier: Hey, Noel! Good to see you. What you been up to? Noel: Well, actually, I never left. Yo hablo Espanol. [to an unhappy woman] Adios, Maria. She gives him a dark look. Roz comes running up. Roz: Hi, everybody! All: Roz! Roz: Isn't this the best? It's so great to see everyone. Bulldog and Noel and Frasier and... [to a woman she doesn't recognize] you. Bulldog: God, I didn't think I'd ever see this place again. It's like we're soldiers comin' back from the war. He grabs a passing woman and bends her back for a kiss in the classic sailor/nurse pose from Times Square at the end of WWII. When he lets her up, she slaps him and walks away. Bulldog: [throwing his arms up] I'm home! Frasier: Well, you know, as much as I'd like to continue this celebration, in three minutes, we have a show to do. Come on, Roz, let's go! They hurry into the booth to get ready. Noel follows. Frasier: Noel? Noel: Oh, I just wanted to say I missed you most of all, Roz. Roz: Oh, thanks Noel, that's so sweet. Frasier: Yes, that certainly is sweet, Noel, off you go. Noel: Me, nothin' much has changed. Still live with my mom. Still working on that Klingon-to-English dictionary. Frasier: Noel, how do you say goodbye in Klingon? Noel: Oh, it depends. If you're talking to a superior officer, then... Frasier: Noel! Noel: Krish-krush. [leaves] Roz: I am so thrilled to be back! They cross to the producer's booth. Frasier: Oh, God, so am I! Roz, you know I couldn't get a wink of sleep last night. But I put the time to good use though, I composed a little speech to open today's show. Roz: Oh, that's great. You know, as I was falling asleep last night, it occurred to me that you wanted to talk to me about something. Frasier: Right. Right, oh, well, it was just, I just had a little bone to pick with you, but it's gone by the wayside now. Roz: Are you sure? Frasier: Oh, absolutely. You know how thing's are when you're out of work. You know you just get a little crazy about little stuff. Roz: Oh, tell me about it. Money things alone. Frasier: Well, as a matter of fact... Roz: What? Frasier: No, no, no, it's not an issue anymore, Roz. Roz: Come on. Frasier: Well, all right. It's just that I thought the way you were, uh, spending money was a little unwise. You know, spa days, expensive lunches, Bidwell's perfume? I, I just thought, you know, you were unemployed... But, you know what? You're employed now, so there it is. End of subject, I won't even bring it up again. Roz: I never told you I bought that perfume. Frasier: Hmmm? Well, I, I... you didn't have to, I can smell it on you. Roz: I'm not wearing any. Frasier: You're kidding. My goodness, is that you? Well then you should sweat into bottles. We've got a show to do. He returns to his side, she follows. Roz: The only way you could know that is if you were looking through my shopping ba... the keys! Frasier: Roz, you know, we really should be setting up. Roz: I can't believe this! You were searching through my bags? What, is this about the loan? Frasier: All right. Fine. I gave you fifteen hundred dollars and suddenly you were off on a spending spree. Roz: Excuse me, but weren't you the one that said I could spend it any way I wanted? Frasier: Well, I just thought you were going to be a little more responsible than that! Roz: Oh, so now I'm irresponsible? She goes to her side and Frasier follows. Frasier: No, no, I'm just saying that a woman in your situation... Roz: What situation? Oh, I know what this is all about, my baby. Frasier: Roz! Roz: That's what all this irresponsible stuff is. Frasier: No, that is not what I meant. Roz gets out her checkbook and starts writing. Roz: Well, listen, obviously I am not to be trusted with your precious money, so I'm paying you back. And not that it's any of your business, but Carol took me out to La Gallou, and my mother gave me a day at the spa, and those shoes were a store credit. Oh, and I bought the perfume. That was just for me, because I wanted it. [She hands him the check.] Frasier: Roz, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say any of those things. Roz: Too late. Frasier: Please, I can't stand to have you mad at me. Look, let me take you to dinner tonight, we can discuss it afterward. Roz: You're on. Frasier: Thank you. Roz: No. You're on in five seconds. Frasier rushes back to his seat, puts his headphones on and begins on Roz's cue. Frasier: Good afternoon Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and we're back. But don't worry, I may have been gone a while, but I think I remember how all these knobs and buttons work. He hits a switch and salsa music blares out. He hurriedly hits it again and it stops. Frasier: I see they've moved the cough button. Well, anyway, I composed some thoughts last night about what this show has meant to me in the last years, and well, I'd like to share it with you now. I realized I have a lot to feel grateful for; grateful for my listeners who trusted me with their problems; and grateful for the person whom I most trust. It's not an exaggeration to say I put my career in this woman's hands every day. Roz looks up at this. Frasier: And she never lets me down. She shoulders many responsibilities here, and in her personal life, with a grace and skill I admire more than she'll ever know. I'm proud to call her my friend: my producer, Roz Doyle. Roz looks touched, but not quite ready. Frasier: Well, now, on to the show. If I'm a bit rusty, I hope you'll forgive me. After all, to err is human. I hope you'll look into your hearts... Roz: All right, Frasier, you're forgiven. Frasier: Oh, good! Well, we've got a quick word from our sponsor, and then we'll be back with your calls. Back after this. Roz: [coming to the door] Thanks, Frasier. I'm sorry I got so mad. Frasier: Oh, Roz, you had every right to. How could I think you would ever squander the money I gave you that way? You'd never be that irresponsible. Roz: Well, of course I wouldn't. But if it was on your mind, I'm glad you brought it up. I like that we can always be honest with each other. Frasier: I like that, too. Roz: I'm so touched that you stayed up all night last night and wrote all those things about me. Frasier: [kissing her hand] I meant every word. They go back to their stations. Noel comes in on Frasier's side, Bulldog on Roz's. Noel: Hey, Dr. Crane. Great speech. I love what you said about Roz. Frasier: Thank you, Noel. Cut to Roz and Bulldog. Roz: Hey Bulldog, can you loan me some money? Bulldog: Sure, how much? Roz: Fifteen hundred. I just wrote a bad check. Cut to Frasier and Noel. Noel: [reading Frasier's speech] Hey, wait a minute. There's nothing in here about Roz. Frasier: Noel, put that down. Noel: "Like Napoleon's triumphant return from Elba.." Frasier: [snatches the paper] Krish-krush, krish-krush! Noel leaves, Frasier and Roz take their places, and she cues him again. [SCENE_BREAK] The salsa DJ and his producer are sitting at a table in Café Nervosa. Suddenly, Maria comes in, excited, to tell them some news. They all get worked up, then Colette comes by and speaks to them. They all become quickly depressed.

Plan: A: Roz; Q: Who is in a difficult financial situation? A: her rent and baby clothes; Q: What is Roz struggling to pay for? A: KACL's ratings; Q: What is suffering as a result of the new format? A: the management; Q: Who would not change the format? A: Frasier; Q: Who lends Roz $1500? A: spa treatment; Q: What is one of the things Roz spends her money on? A: their jobs; Q: Eventually, KACL reconsiders and gives Frasier and his colleagues what back? Summary: Roz is in a difficult financial situation, struggling to pay for her rent and baby clothes. KACL's ratings are suffering as a result of the new format, but the management still will not change it. Frasier does not expect this to last, and offers to lend Roz $1500 to help her along in the meantime. He is surprised afterwards to see that she seems to be spending rather extravagantly: spa treatment, expensive lunches, perfume. He wonders if he should talk to her about this, but Martin and Niles firmly advise him not to get involved, especially since he specifically said to Roz that the money was hers to use as she pleased. Eventually, KACL reconsiders and gives Frasier and his colleagues their jobs back.

Oscar: [to camera crew] Can you guys come with me for a minute? [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity and discretion. [turns to see Kevin has overheard him]...Why? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Alright, good. Yeah. Just sell it and get the best price you can, okay? White: Or we can hope for a holiday rally? Andy: White, I'm not a day trader, I'm just a first responder in a disaster. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Andy's family had a total meltdown. His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman. Jim: And his brother, Walt Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar. Pam: The weirdest part is Andy. The aftermath got dumped on him and the way he's been handling it is just..so.. Jim: Competent. Pam: Right? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Are the 'Nard's hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family shattered, super sad. But, I'm kinda crushing it in the damage control department. So, that's cool. I wish my dad could see me now. Of course he caused this whole mess, so, [bleep] him. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Kevin, listen to me. I'm in love with the Senator. And I need time to sort this out in a responsible matter so I need your help in keeping it a secret because this means the world to me. Ok? Kevin: That's beautiful. No, I totally get that. Oscar: Can you do this, Kevin? Kevin: I really want to. Whatever happens, always remember that. Oscar: I don't know what that means. Hey, hey- [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [On phone] Oh, great! Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you. [hangs up] Hey guys! Anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio? Creed: Yeah, she hosts the Dr. Laura Show. Pam: Nope, that's Dr. Laura. Well, her show Biz Whiz wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to come on the air today. Does anybody feel particularly passionate about local business issues? [Dwight raises hand] Dwight: I do! I do. I do. I do. I do. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you're famous? [Pretends to be on phone] "Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt." It's that easy. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Hey, so that good looking single brother of yours? Heard he's on a downward spiral with booze. Andy: Yeah. He's in rehab actually. Meredith: Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour. Andy: No, it's in New Mexico. Meredith: Oh...So..- how are you holding up? Andy: We're done Meredith. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [wagging tongue for voice exercises] blah blah blah, rat tat tat tittle tattled and prattled on about the little metal bottle, she spat a bit of spittle...[Group protests] Jim: Dwight! Dwight: ...In a bitter battle..Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, OK? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason. Jim: No, you chose yourself. Dwight: [walking away] Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit.... [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Alright, guys. A lot of assets here that my dad couldn't steal. Now, first of all, there is the family boat. 43 foot Tartan Sloop. My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas, the sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom. Darryl: Sounds great. Oscar: Perfect. Andy: Totally, except it is a no go. This boat was the heart and soul of the family. So...what else we got? Non-boat ideas. [Oscar looks outside conference room at Kevin and Angela at the copier] Kevin: What happened? Angela: Jammed. This day couldn't get worse. [Kevin laughs] Kevin: Yeah, I think this day could get worse. Angela: What does that mean? Oscar: Kevin! Kevin: [to Angela] I don't know what you're talking about. [Thumbs up Oscar] Erin: She could get like sixty packages of Ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month. Andy: Alright, what's the grand total? Did we make our nut? Darryl: If we sell everything but the boat, your mom should be set for about six months. Andy: Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in our family since before I was born. Erin: Don't you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories? Darryl: I worked at a Jiffy Lube. Erin: See? I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you Darryl? Darryl: I would if I owned it and I went broke. Andy: Alright, uh...alright. I'm gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Yes the boat means everything to my family, but we need the money. Got the memories, don't need the boat. Can't cry about it. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? [chokes up] Excuse me. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [On phone] Oh, OK. No problem. Thanks. Hey guys, WPTU called. The interview's off. They're opening a new cupcake store at the Steamtown Mall and Iris wants to cover that, so... Nellie: Well why don't I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple. Pam: He's gonna be disappointed. Jim: Yes. He is. And you know what? We cannot let that happen. [SCENE_BREAK] Pete: Fax? Erin: Oh yeah, just. Watermelon teeth. This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone. But, it's a girlfriend's job to know her man and I know Andy. [laughs] He's seriously juvenile. Pete: Cool. He's like 40 though, right? Erin: Oh no, he couldn't be more than late thirty's. Tops. Pete: Awesome. Have fun. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- [phone rings in break room, Dwight picks up] This is Dwight Shrute. Pam: [on other end in conference room] Please hold for Ms. Black. Nellie: [Darryl plays radio show music on keyboard] And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I'm Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin's senior sales associate Dwight Shrute. Dwight: Iris, thank you so much for having me. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [muffled by watermelon teeth] Hey! My teeth are all this stuff in my mouth. [laughs] Andy: Uh, did you need something? Erin: Oh, I just need your signature on this. Andy: Ok. [signs paper] thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Kevin, we're out of 11-38 forms. Did you order more? Kevin: I... did not. Angela: I don't know why I'm surprised. Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore. Kevin: [laughing in Oscar's direction] Oh really, Angela? That's interesting. Cause I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you..oh! [Oscar makes sound trying to get him to shut up] I have to go to the bathroom! Angela: That doesn't surprise me. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: That actually wasn't the worst cover. I'd say at least once a week, Kevin runs out of the room shouting that he has to go to the bathroom. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [In staff meeting] See these forms... Kevin: I have to go to the bathroom! [runs out] [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [running from elevator] I have to go to the bathroom! [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [Drives away waving, then screeches to a stop and runs from car] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Ok, who wants to go for a super fun lunch with a super fun girlfriend? Andy: Look, it's not that I don't want- Erin: Ok, come on. I got someone to cover the phones, I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place we could go for dessert...perfect. Andy: All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldn't let me. Said "You can't be a skipper until you're a man." You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd smack my hand away. Well guess what? Now I'm the man of the family and... we're selling the damn thing. So I'm never gonna have the chance. Erin: Well, when does the boat leave, exactly? Andy: Tonight. Erin: Then screw lunch. Let's go for a sunset sail. Andy: Yeah right. It's in Stamford, Connecticut. We have to leave like right now. Erin: Ok, well then let's leave like right now. Andy: Yeah, ok. Erin: Yeah! OK! Let's go. Andy: Seriously? Erin: Of course, seriously. Get your coat on. Andy: Alright. Erin: Alright. Andy: Let's do it. Erin: Let's do it! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [On speakerphone] Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands on. Nellie: [As Iris] So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command? Dwight: Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris. Nellie: Uh, excuse me. [reading card held up by Jim] I'm being told by my sound engineer, Steve that uh there is a clinking sound coming from your end. Does your shirt have buttons? Dwight: Yes..? Nellie: [Jim mimes taking shirt off] I'm so sorry we're going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together. Dwight: [Takes shirt off] Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather- Nellie: Oh, I'm so sorry. I am told we are still having problems Mr. Shrute. [Jim holds up card that says "Now Pants"] Your voice, it's sounding a little feminine. Dwight: That's impossible. Nellie: Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper? [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out. Oscar: That's a tough one. Angela: That man he's up against is so dirty. And the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can. Kevin: Please, stop. Angela: What? Kevin: Please, stop. Angela: Anyways, last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in. [Kevin laughs] Kevin: [Getting up to leave] I can't, it's too much! [laughing] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I'm in big trouble. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [pantless] OK, how is my voice now? Nellie: I'm getting the all clear from Steve, so Mr. Shrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic? Dwight: [holding hand over phone] This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They're not gonna gotch me. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [looking at folder he brought Toby]It's clearly not an accounting mistake. Toby: Yeah. Oscar: So... Toby: Kevin. His gambling problem must've resurfaced. I'm gonna have to send him home until I can do an investigation. Oscar: Well, you've gotta do what you've gotta do. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! [Pam tells Jim to leave the conference room] I dare you to produce one credible source about this. Nellie: Well, as it happens we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sandra Mc...Sandra Mick [points to Pam] Pam: [changing voice] Good afternoon Iris, it's a pleasure. Nellie: Let's get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic? Pam: No the paper's not toxic. Dwight: Thank you Sandra! Pam: Unless it's exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic! Dwight: Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled! [Jim runs panicked into break room] Jim: What the heck is going on?! The stock prices are plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?! Dwight: Get out of here moron! [Jim leaves] Nellie: Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to? Dwight: uhhhh....no one. Nellie: Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron? Dwight: No, everything's fine. Nellie: Are you insulting my guests? Dwight: [chokes up] [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [on phone] Yeah, I will be right there. Hey Oscar, what if I'm getting a promotion? Oscar: I hope that's it, Kevin. Kevin: Me too. Cause then, I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Hi, Kevin. Look, I need to talk to you about- Kevin: Hi. Oscar: Guys? Excuse me. Um, a quick word, please just.. Kevin: Oscar, we're in the middle of talking. Oscar: Oh, you're right I'm so sorry. Snack machine on me. [gives Kevin money] Kevin: Oh that is nice. Classy move. [leaves] Dwight: [yelling in break room] That's what I'm saying! No of course not! Kevin: What are you doing? [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Those figures I gave you? They're false. Toby: How? Oscar: I was mad at Kevin, we had a fight and I acted vindictively. Toby: So you set him up. Oscar: Yes, he's innocent. Toby: I knew it. I knew it from the beginning it was possible. Oscar: What are you talking about? I just did this now. Toby: A few years ago, when I was on the jury of the Scranton Strangler.. Oscar: Sure. Toby: I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict. Oscar: That's gotta be tough. Toby: Tough? I put an innocent man on death row. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: The fallout from this morning's revelation continues to mount, since Mr. Dwight Shrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%. Mr. Shrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. Can we announce your resignation at this time? Dwight: My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace! [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: That's yours? Andy: That's the family boat! Erin: Oh my gosh, Andy! This is enormous! Andy: Right? Erin: I thought it was gonna be tiny. Oh my gosh it's beautiful. So this is how your family came to America. [SCENE_BREAK] Boat Guy: Move. Andy: Sorry? Boat Guy: Trying to rig a boat here. I don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way. Andy: Sure, I um..I didn't know. Boat Guy: I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people. Andy: Ok. Erin: Gee, he was salty. Andy: Geez, a little bit. [to boat] How you doing old buddy? Missed you. Erin: What does that one do? Andy: It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing. Erin: I wish I had seen you do it. Andy: Really? Erin: Yeah. Andy: [Begins raising sail] Up she goes! Boat Guy: Don't do that. Don't do that. Andy: Oh, it's OK. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner on me. Boat Guy: Nope. Can't do that. Andy: You got it. You know what then, we'll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor. [begins raising sail, boat guy slaps his hand] Boat Guy: We've already started boarding. And no one is insured to rig her up right now except us. Andy: You know what? Chill, ok? I own the boat. Not gonna sue myself. Alright, so just- [Raises sail, guys slaps hand again] wow. Boat Guy: I can smack you all day if you keep touching what you're not supposed to touch. Andy: Ok, fine. Boat Guy: OK. Andy: Yeah, fine. Boat Guy: Good stuff. Andy: Good stuff. Nice stuff. [begins raising sail again when guy leaves, but he comes back and smacks Andy's hand again] [bleep] Damn it! Screw you dad! ..ah. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Well, we're doing it. We're finally having a picnic on the boat. Andy: I've had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it. Erin: Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man. Andy: Fine. But I could have. Erin: As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain. Andy: I am the captain. Erin: Yeah. Andy: Right? Erin: Yeah. Andy: I'm the captain. [to boat guy] Hey, charm school. Boat Guy: What? Andy: I'm taking it over from here. Erin: Nice! Boat Guy: I hate to uh, ruin this moment...or breakdown, but you already signed the papers. So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the Bahamas in 10 days. Andy: Yeah, I know cause I'm sailing it there. Boat Guy: OK, no. I already said, you're not getting back your deposit. Andy: Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies, I paid for those. But how much for that cool fisherman sweater? [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich. Where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet and is taking a mailman hostage. On the line, we have chief of Greenwich Police, Mr. Bill Jackson [points to Jim]. Jim: [using black voice] Good afternoon! [Darryl smacks his arm] Dwight: Please sir! Spare him. Please. Jim: Uh, this Wallace guy is lookin' at hard time. And we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said on record! Dwight: Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I've got a solution. I know Wallace's phone number, everyone hold, I'll conference him in. Nellie: Oh, Mr. Shrute, there's really no need to, um involve Mr... Wallace. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Do you even know what you're doing? Andy: Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail, I know to...I, I, these buttons control boat pumps and stuff. I also know where the booze stash is. So, hello. [Opens door, Andy's brother is passed out inside] Walt? Walt Jr.: Oh god, thank goodness you're here. I was having a little trouble with this door. Yesterday. I um, I think it was yesterday. Andy: I thought you were in rehab. Walt Jr.: Yeah, uh, I just, I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way. God, what's happened to our family? Everything is so messed up! How did you even know I was in here? Andy: I didn't. I, I just came to say goodbye to the boat. But I've decided to sail it to Bermuda. Erin: Bahamas, Andy. Andy: Same thing. [To Walt] Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks, open ocean, no booze. You need this. I need it, we need this. Serious bro time, come on. [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: [On phone] Hello? Dwight: David, is that you? David Wallace: Dwight? Dwight: Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok? David Wallace: Yeah? Are you ok? Dwight: Oh, I'm OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David. David Wallace: Well, thanks Dwight. Dwight: You're welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok? David Wallace: Dwight? Dwight: Walk out of the house... David Wallace: What? Dwight: ...with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison. David Wallace: Ok, Dwight, gonna ask you to not call my cell anymore. Gotta go. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [enters main office, group claps] Wait a minute, you guys? You heard? All: Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Dwight: [joins in] Shrute! Shrute! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Well Oscar, I did not get the promotion. He just wanted to update my personal information. Oscar: Well, I am sorry Kevin. Angela: Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion? Kevin: You know what Angela? I- Oh my god. [Senator enters] Angela: Honey! What are you doing here? Senator Liptop: I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today. Oscar, you're looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise? [touches Oscar's shoulder. Oscar jumps away quickly] Oscar: No. Angela: Oscar? What is going on? What was that? Senator Liptop: What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offense. I was just trying to be friendly. Oscar: You know what? I'm sorry. I overreacted. Because I'm stressed out. Why am I stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who- Kevin: Come on Oscar, we're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious. Senator Lipton has a big election next week. We all need to give him our support. [claps, group joins] Senator Liptop: Well, thanks everybody. Kevin: It is really cool! U-S-A! U-S-A! Oscar: U..s..a. U- [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. Uh, he showed a lot of self-control. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having s*x with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Alright guys, cast us off. Walt, all aboard! Erin, this is because of you. Do you realize that? You're the best ever! Erin: [Standing on dock] Oh, you know. Just being a good girlfriend. Andy: [pulling away from dock] Good? Come on. Above and beyond. World's Greatest. You did this! Dammit I'm happy! [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Yes, I am very pleased I did help Andy. Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes. I think it would have been really fun and romantic. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [waving from boat] I'll see you in three weeks! Erin: OK! Walt Jr.: Hey bro! It was here all along. [holding guitar] Andy: No way! Walt Jr.: Way! Andy: Erin I gotta go![Walt begins playing] Them's my chords! [SCENE_BREAK] Pete: Hey. She's back. Erin: Thanks for covering the phones. Pete: Yeah, no problem. How was it? Erin: Fine. Pete: Hey, some buddies of mine are going to Poor Richard's for beers and pool, you wanna come? I can't promise you too much, but uh, you might get to meet my friend flipper. Erin: Does he have a flipper? Pete: Oh. Nope. It's not that, he uh, uh he flipped a table one time when he was drunk. Erin: He sounds like an idiot. Pete: Yeah, he is. Erin: Ok. Pete: Ok. Erin: Thanks. Pete: Yeah.

Plan: A: his family; Q: Who does Andy have to help when his dad loses all of their money? A: a guest; Q: What is Dwight's role on the radio show? A: Kevin; Q: Who learns a secret about Oscar? A: Josh Groban; Q: Who plays Andy's brother Walter Jr.? Summary: Andy must help his family when his dad loses all of their money. Meanwhile, Dwight is a guest on a radio show, and his co-workers call in to bother him. Kevin learns a secret about Oscar. This episode features the return of Andy's brother Walter Jr. ( Josh Groban ), who is now a drunk.

[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ANDRE'S RESTAURANT - SIXTH STREET - NIGHT] (The restaurant door opens and a guest walks in. He politely greets KEVIN and AMY SHEPHERD who are just walking out the restaurant.) Dining Guest: Good evening. Kevin Shepherd: Hi. (Arms around each other, they walk down the sidewalk.) Amy Shepherd: That was nice. I had such a beautiful time tonight. Eight years. Kevin Shepherd: People said we wouldn't last. (she laughs) Happy anniversary, baby. Amy Shepherd: Happy anniversary. (They kiss and continue walking.) (As they walk by, the camera focuses on the sidewalk where a lit cigarette rolls discarded.) (The Shepherds reach their parked car. KEVIN walks AMY to the passenger door, then walks around the car to the driver's side. He pauses and they look at each other. She smiles.) (Someone masked and dressed in black grabs her from behind. With a knife in his hand, he slices her neck.) (KEVIN SHEPHERD stands frozen in shock. AMY is on the ground, dead in a pool of blood.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ANDRE'S RESTAURANT - SIXTH STREET - NIGHT] (A camera flashes. SARA kneels near AMY SHEPHERD and takes pictures of the victim.) Warrick: Two victims. She's on the sidewalk, a foot from the curb and he's in the middle of the street. (WARRICK turns to look at SARA who stands up. She looks at WARRICK and indicates the body on the sidewalk.) Sara: What's missing here? Warrick: No car. Nick: No mercy. (NICK is kneeling down next to the second body out on the road: KEVIN SHEPHERD.) Nick: This guy's stabbed at least five times. Got some reddish hair. Vic's hair is brown. (GRISSOM and BRASS walk up to the scene.) Grissom: What do we got? Brass: They had dinner at Andre's. Coroner's assistant has his wallet with the credit card receipt. (GRISSOM puts down his kit and kneels to look at KEVIN SHEPHERD'S body.) Grissom: They didn't bother to valet. Brass: Saved five bucks, cost them their lives. Carjacking gone bad. Grissom: Carjackers don't use knives. Brass: Never? Grissom: They used to say, "Never on Sunday." Then Pearl Harbor happened. I never say, "Never." (GRISSOM turns to look back at the body.) [CAMERA SLOW MOTION] (A drop of water falls into a pool of blood. Another drop of water falls on someone's jacket.) (GRISSOM looks up at the sky. A rain drop falls on his forehead.) [RESUME CAMERA MOTION] Brass: Oh, man ... (It starts pouring.) (GRISSOM stands and starts yelling out instructions.) Grissom: We got three minutes to process this crime scene! (Everyone moves to process the scene. SARA takes pictures as fast as she can.) Grissom: After that, we lose it all to the gutters! Sara, take overalls! Warrick, put a cone down on everything you bag! Nick, we got to get these bodies into the van! (Everyone rushes around to preserve and collect whatever they can. It is complete chaos as people run into each other trying to process the crime scene.) Nick: Now! Let's go guys! Go! SARA: Pick the jacket up! (SARA finishes taking pictures of AMY SHEPHERD and moves to take pictures of KEVIN SHEPHERD. The Coroners, Officers and other personnel move quickly.) Nick: Let's go! BRASS: Bring me a body bag. I want to cover this woman! NICK: Get a bag, hurry up! (The Coroners move to get the body bags. WARRICK rushes to open bags to gather evidence on the sidewalk.) Sara: Can we get another gurney? GRISSOM: I need another gurney. (The Coroners move quickly to prep the gurney to get the body out of the rain.) Coroners: Load this up! (WARRICK grabs the bags of evidence and runs toward the cars.) Nick: Let's go, let's go! Okay, I've got it. (The gurney is pushed next to one of the bodies and NICK instructs the Coroners.) Nick: All right, let's get him out. (SARA takes more pictures.) Sara: Come on, come on! Hurry up! NICK: Let's go, hurry up! Get the plastic on! (SARA finishes with the pictures and stands next to GRISSOM.) Sara: We're losing everything! (GRISSOM turns and looks up at the sky.) Grissom: Yeah ... our killer got lucky tonight. (The camera pulls backward up to the sky as GRISSOM looks down at the ground, then all around him. Everyone continues to work to save what they can.) HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SIXTH STREET - CRIME SCENE - NIGHT] (Camera opens on a cigarette butt in the middle of the sidewalk. It's stopped raining for the moment. WARRICK kneels down next to it shining his flashlight down at it.) Warrick: Well, rain screwed up all our chances of a good DNA profile. Nick: Don't even bother bagging it. (NICK walks away continuing to look for whatever evidence the rain may have left behind.) (Thunder rumbles.) (Out on the street, GRISSOM slams the Coroner's back door shut as it leaves. He and SARA walk around the side to meet up with BRASS.) Grissom: Do we have any eyeballs at all? Brass: It's a quiet street, weeknight. Neighbors heard the commotion. Kid over here, he had the only view. (GRISSOM and SARA both turn around to look at the young man sitting on the curb. They head off in that direction.) Grissom: What's your name, son? (JUSTIN GREEN stands up.) Justin Green: Justin Green. Grissom: Well, Justin, my name's Gil Grissom. This is Sara Sidle. We're with the Crime Lab. Is, uh, is that your blood? (GRISSOM shines the light on JUSTIN'S bloodied jacket.) Justin Green: No, I-it's his, the one you took away. I tried to help him. I thought I was doing everything right. I think I might have killed him. Grissom: Whoa. Slow down. Sara: What did you do exactly? (Quick flashback to: Earlier that night. JUSTIN is walking on the street when a speeding SUV almost hits him.) Justin Green: (V.O.) I was crossing the street. This SUV came out of nowhere -- almost clipped me. I turned and there was this body lying in the street. (From where he stands, he turns and sees something.) Justin Green: Oh, my god. (He immediately starts shouting for help.) Justin Green: Help! Help! Somebody call 9-1-1! (He runs over toward the body.) Justin Green: (V.O.) I freaked. (He kneels down next to the body and starts to perform CPR.0) Justin Green: (V.O.) I did everything wrong. I didn't tilt his head back. I- I- ... (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Justin Green: I didn't clear his airway. Grissom: If it makes you feel any better, that's not what killed him. Sara: Justin ... we're going to need to take your clothes. Justin Green: Why? Sara: Because there's blood all over them. (JUSTIN looks down at his clothes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. COLLAPSED APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT] (Firefighters and other Rescue Personnel walk into the collapsed building to look for survivors. Camera moves out from inside the building out into the sidewalk and street where the rescue vehicles are and where other personnel are busy working.) (Injured people on gurneys being helped. There are fire and rescue crews, ambulance and other officers all parked along the street.) (CATHERINE parks her Tahoe and gets out. She takes her kit and closes the car door, then makes her way toward the collapsed building.) Sgt. O'Riley: Catherine? (CATHERINE turns to see SGT. O'RILEY walking toward her.) Catherine: Hey. Sgt. O'Riley: I like the hair. Catherine: Thanks. (They make their way toward the collapsed building.) Sgt. O'Riley: What are you doing here? Catherine: I was assigned. This is my case. Sgt. O'Riley: Case? The building collapsed. There's nothing criminal here. Catherine: Right. That's why you were assigned -- a homicide detective. What happened? Sgt. O'Riley: Well, part of the basement caved in. Brought the rest down with it. Catherine: Body count? Sgt. O'Riley: Three old women. Sisters. One minute you're watching wheel of fortune -- next thing, game over. Catherine: And you're not calling this a crime scene? Sgt. O'Riley: Catherine, it's a building. Catherine: O'Riley ... it's a suspect. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - NIGHT] (GREG is in the lab looking through the scope. NICK walks in.) Nick: Hey, Greg. Greg Sanders: (holds up a hand) Shh. I might be looking at the mother of my children here. (NICK puts on a pair of latex gloves.) Nick: Somebody's been putting in way too much overtime. Greg Sanders: No, man, this is serious. I had a date last night and this girl has the most impossible green eyes. Just ... bamm. Shoulder-length blonde hair ... intelligent ... and she smells so good. Nick: Cute toes? Greg Sanders: Oh ... ideal. Nick: Mmm. Greg Sanders: And none are longer than the big toe. Nick: Mmm. Greg Sanders: Both feet. But, you know, what I need to know is what's on the inside? Nick: Oh, what's in her heart? Greg Sanders: No ... her DNA ... and let me tell you -- this girl has got some fine epithelials. (GREG turns back to look through the scope. NICK watches GREG and smiles. They both laugh.) Nick: Dude, you're sick. Man, you've officially lost it. (NICK works on prepping his evidence.) Greg Sanders: No, no. There is this guy in Louisville. He charges 300 clams to test your spouse's underwear for foreign DNA. Now, that guy is sick. I'm just a romantic. Nick: But whatever happened to getting to know someone over coffee ... letting the relationship evolve? Romantic is sending flowers not bogarting her skin cells. (NICK takes the hair sample and puts it on the slide. GREG looks from his scope and notices NICK.) Greg Sanders: Ahh, that's boring. What are you doing? What have you got? Nick: Um, pulled some hair off a male stabbing vic. (GREG takes over. He puts the slide under the scope.) Greg Sanders: Okay. Baby. Uh-huh. Nick: What? Greg Sanders: Nine lives. Nick: Cat hair? Greg Sanders: (nods) Meow. (NICK sighs, disappointed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (DR. ROBBINS goes over the findings with GRISSOM. They stand between the two bodies.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Kevin Shepherd. Six stab wounds to the upper torso -- one to the back, five to the front. Grissom: And his wife? (GRISSOM turns to look at AMY SHEPHERD.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Amy Shepherd. One slice across the neck, right to left. Grissom: Work of a lefty? Dr. Albert Robbins: Well, the blade transected the jugular vein and both carotids. Grissom: Hard to scream when your throat's been cut. (GRISSOM turns back to KEVIN SHEPHERD.) Grissom: Defensive wounds. Dr. Albert Robbins: This guy put up one hell of a fight. Attacked with two weapons. Grissom: (surprised) Two? Dr. Albert Robbins: Two types of stab wounds. First a long, sharp double-edged blade. The blade went in smooth ... (He makes a stabbing downward motion with his hands.) (Quick CGI POV to: The camera pushes down toward wound #5 and pierces through the flesh. It reverses back up and out. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Dr. Albert Robbins: ... left a little collateral bruising to the skin. Weapon number two was blunt. (With both hands, DR. ROBBINS makes a stabbing downward motion.) (Quick CGI POV to: The camera pushes down toward wound #3 and pierces through the flesh. It reverse back up and out. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Weapon number two caused extensive bruising around the points of entry. (He points out the damage to GRISSOM.) Grissom: Two weapons ... two attackers. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. COLLAPSED BUILDING - WRECKED ROOM - NIGHT] (CATHERINE walks into the damaged room. She walks up to a FIREMAN.) Catherine: Hi. District Engineer? Fireman: Over there. (He points to a man with a large piece of drywall in his hand kneeling near the window.) Catherine: Ah. Follow the tie. (She walks up to him and stands behind him. She shines the light of her flashlight on the torn wall while she looks over his shoulder.) Catherine: Is that from the rain? Paul Newsome: (turns around) Depends on who's asking. Catherine: Are you hiding something, or am I not worth your time? Paul Newsome: Excuse me? Catherine: Well, you are the District Engineer of the city, right? You're responsible for the structural safety of this building. Paul Newsome: (stands up) I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name. Catherine: Catherine Willows, Las Vegas Crime Lab. Paul Newsome: Crime Lab? Catherine: Yeah. The building fell down. Three people were crushed to death. (CATHERINE steps up to the wall.) Catherine: Why is the wood wet? Paul Newsome: It's a flat-roofed structure. Leaks aren't uncommon. Maybe that explains the dry rot. Catherine: Then what am I looking at? Paul Newsome: That would be sheetrock. Catherine: Drywall. But what about this layer right here? (Camera zooms in for a close up of the wall.) Paul Newsome: When they installed the original drywall they used half-inch and then, when they came back and repaired it, they used quarter of an inch. Catherine: (turns around) What, was quarter inch on sale that day? Paul Newsome: Look, Lady, I don't know what it is ... Catherine: Catherine. Paul Newsome: Sorry. Catherine: Don't say, "sorry" just know who you're talking to. Paul Newsome: When they applied the second layer and then they spackled it and they painted it the difference wasn't noticeable. Catherine: It's noticeable now. Which District Engineer conducted the last inspection? Paul Newsome: There's only one District Engineer. Catherine: Then it looks bad for you. Paul Newsome: (he laughs) Okay. Look, uh, Catherine, ... (He puts his hand on her shoulder and leads her away from the wall.) Paul Newsome: ... why don't I write a report and then I'll e-mail it to you. How would that be? (CATHERINE looks up at the ceiling and around the room.) Catherine: Where's the point of origin of the collapse? (PAUL NEWSOME doesn't say anything.) Catherine: Look, this is my crime scene. I can find it myself but that might mean lots of question to lots of people. Paul Newsome: (nods) Well, it's just my, uh, expert opinion but I'd say right below us -- in the basement ... the laundry room. Catherine: Then that's where I want to be. (CATHERINE turns to head there.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - EARLY MORNING] (GRISSOM walks in to the hallway. SARA rounds the corner and finds him.) Sara: Hey, Gris. Kevin Shepherd, chiropractor. Amy Shepherd, Dentist. House in the lakes. Married eight years. Perfect credit. You know, I'm lost. There's nothing jumping off the page, here. (SARA hands the file to GRISSOM.) Grissom: What about the eyewitness? Sara: Justin Green. First witness, first suspect but he hung around, waiting for us. Grissom: Covered in blood. Sara: But his story jibes. Several eyewitness saw him performing CPR on Kevin Shepherd. But if-if-if it is a carjacking, I don't get it. Why fight to the death? It's four wheels and a chassis. Grissom: In the heat of the moment, it's not a car, it's a possession and people will fight without realizing what they're risking. Sara: So, you are thinking the Shepherds lost their lives for their SUV? Grissom: I'm speaking in generalities. Regarding the Shepherds ... I'm in the dark, too, just like you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - EARLY MORNING] (WARRICK is mixing a bowl full of mold mixture. BRASS walks into the room.) Brass: Hey, Warrick. Is Grissom around? Warrick: You see him? (He chuckles and steps forward.) Brass: You know between you and me, as long as I've been on the job I still don't like touching dead bodies. Warrick: Well, that's why you got the badge and I got the syringe. Brass: (softly) wow. (WARRICK sticks the syringe into the first wound, #3, and injects the mixture in to make a cast.) (Quick CGI POV of inside the wound and the mixture filling it up. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) (WARRICK moves on to wound #1 and fills that wound up with the mixture. He glances over at BRASS who is unusually silent and watching.) Warrick: (explains) I'm casting the stab wounds. From the molds, we can identify the murder weapons. Brass: You're getting more like Grissom every day, man. Warrick: Did you want me to give Gris a message? Brass: Yeah. A patrol car located the Shepherds' SUV. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SUNSET ROAD - STREET - MORNING] (The SHEPHERDS' SUV is off the road. BRASS and GRISSOM exit their cars and meet up outside on the road.) Brass: The car is registered to our dead couple. Grissom: When you carjack a car, you keep the car. You don't dump it. Brass: Unless you're joyriding. Grissom: Well, who kills for a joyride? Brass: Wouldn't be the first time. Grissom: Has anybody else touched this vehicle? Officer: No, sir. And I'm the one who found it. Brass: Just the rain. The evidence on the outside of the vehicle will be compromised. Grissom: Well, maybe there'll be some evidence on the inside. (GRISSOM opens the door and the body of a dead woman tumbles out. GRISSOM grabs the body.) Grissom: (surprised) Whoa. Whoa. (Breathing hard, he puts the body back into the car.) Grissom: Well, I haven't felt that in a while. Brass: What's that? Grissom: The element of surprise. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SUNSET ROAD - STREET - MORNING] (BRASS opens the passenger door and sighs. He watches as GRISSOM checks the body out.) Brass: What's she doing here? Grissom: Good question. Better question, who is she? Brass: Hmm. (BRASS reaches out to check the woman's bag. GRISSOM stops him.) Grissom: Uh. Put some gloves on. (GRISSOM tosses BRASS some gloves for him to put on.) Brass: Yeah, I know. You know, I ... I can't believe you messed up the crime scene. Grissom: The body fell out when I opened the door. It happens. We move on. Brass: Mmm. Going to bother you all day. (BRASS opens the woman's bag and checks her wallet. He takes out her NEVADA DRIVER'S LICENSE.) Brass: (reading) Jessica Hall. Date of birth -- 8-5-73. (He takes out her cell phone.) Brass: Cell phone, power's off. Didn't call 9-1-1. They would've instructed her to leave it on. Grissom: Seat belt's unbuckled. That's why she fell out. Brass: Yeah, so? Grissom: Well, she's in the driver's seat. Was she driving? Or could she have been placed in here? Brass: Maybe she's like 28% of Americans -- she doesn't buckle up. Grissom: I think it's 29%, actually. (BRASS looks at GRISSOM and doesn't comment.) Brass: (sighs) I'll go radio the 4-19. (BRASS leaves the car. NICK drives up, parks and exits his vehicle. He walks over to the open passenger side.) (GRISSOM, meanwhile, looks under JESSICA HALL'S coat lapel and finds some hair.) Nick: Hope you're not allergic there, boss. Grissom: What? Nick: Cat hair. Found similar hair on Kevin Shepherd's clothing. Grissom: How about Amy Shepherd? Nick: Nope. No hairs on the wife. Grissom: Shepherd's SUV. Stab wound. Cat hair. She's linked to the first crime scene. But how? Nick: Victim number three. Wrong place, wrong time. Saw something she shouldn't. Grissom: Well, finally. Nick: What? Grissom: Someone has a theory. (NICK nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. CITY VAN - MORNING] (PAUL NEWSOME kneels inside the back of the van. CATHERINE stands just outside the open van securing her head gear.) Paul Newsome: Look, I-I've got guys that are trained to do this. Why don't you let me call them? You're going to go in there, you're going to get that snappy little jumpsuit dirty, and ... Catherine: No offense, but they work for you. Paul Newsome: So what? Catherine: Well, so the victims' family deserves answers. (He doesn't say anything.) Catherine: Somebody's responsible. Paul Newsome: Hey, I didn't do anything wrong. Catherine: Well, maybe not intentionally, but if a ship sinks, the last person who checked for leaks is negligent. Paul Newsome: You're not married, are you? (CATHERINE looks at him.) Paul Newsome: (nods and stands up) Divorced. (CATHERINE finishes putting on her gear. PAUL NEWSOME settles in the van behind the monitors.) Paul Newsome: Okay. All right. What you see, I'll see but I just want to go on the record. This is a bad idea. Catherine: Thanks for your input. Paul Newsome: All right. We got a hot feed. Catherine: I'm going in. Paul Newsome: I'll be right here. (He sighs.) (Cut to: SGT. O'RILEY stands up as CATHERINE Sgt. O'Riley: Catherine? You sure you want to do this? Catherine: Why is everybody asking me if I want to do my job? Sgt. O'Riley: Because we care. Catherine: And? Sgt. O'Riley: The mayor ran on a platform of urban renewal. Clean out the slumlords, create habitable, low-cost housing maintained by the city. If you find so much as a scratch on an aspirin in there you know who it's going to come back to. Catherine: I know I have a job to do. Excuse me. (CATHERINE turns and leaves. She heads for the building.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FLUOROSCOPE OBSERVATION ROOM -- DAY] (SARA and GRISSOM walk into the observation room off of the fluoroscope room where DR. ROBBINS watching DAVID PHILLIPS work on the body.) Sara: Hey, Doc. What's with the fluoroscope? Dr. Albert Robbins: When we brought the body into the lab she set off the metal detector. Grissom: Did you check in her pockets? Dr. Albert Robbins: : Nothing in the pockets. Sara: What about a pin or a plate -- something metallic on the inside? Dr. Albert Robbins: I had the same thought, but that's not what we've found. David, take her down. David Phillips: Yes, sir. (DAVID looks up at sees SARA in the observation room. He smiles at her.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Cause of death, laceration of the liver. Sara: Exsanguination. DR. ALBERT ROBBINS Once you nick the liver it's almost impossible to stop the bleeding without immediate medical intervention. (While watching the monitor, GRISSOM sees something.) Grissom: Whoa, David. Go back up to the 12th rib, please. Dr. Albert Robbins: I was just getting to that. Grissom: Our killer leave us a souvenir? Sara: What is that? Grissom: What do you leave your waiter? Sara: A tip ... of a knife. Grissom: How soon can we get that out of the body? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BUILDING -- DAY] (Crawling, CATHERINE makes her way slowly toward the laundry room down in the basement. The building creaks around her.) Catherine: Am I almost at ground zero? INTERCUT WITH: [INT. VAN (PARKED OUTSIDE) - DAY - CONTINUOUS] Paul Newsome: Almost. About ten more feet. Uh, then you should be in the laundry room. You should have more headroom, too. Catherine: I feel like I'm crawling through a straw. (CATHERINE crawls more and comes to a complete halt in front of a wood beam. She smiles as she watches a bug crawl across the wood.) Catherine: Sweet! Paul Newsome: What? What is it? Catherine: Are you getting this? Paul Newsome: What is that? A roach? Catherine: I'm not an entomologist, but I know one. He can tell us. (The building creaks and something flies overhead causing the building to tremble. Concrete dust and bits of rock fall on CATHERINE. She covers her head.) Catherine: I thought this building was secure. Paul Newsome: It is secure. Just hang on. The daily sorties. I think that was an F-16. Catherine: (realizes) Nellis Air Force Base. Paul Newsome: About a mile south of here. (CATHERINE puts a bug into a container.) Catherine: Anything else I should, uh be aware of? Paul Newsome: You're in the clear. (She pockets the container and then continues.) Catherine: Okay. (CATHERINE continues crawling through the rubble. She comes up to a traveling chest blocking her path and pushes it aside. She continues.) Catherine: Okay. I'm in the laundry room ... what's left of it. You want to talk me through this? (She stands up and looks around the laundry room.) Paul Newsome: Okay, look up. You should be able to see the beam now. (CATHERINE looks up and finds the beam.) Catherine: Got it. Paul Newsome: All right, connected to the beam running vertically to the concrete foundation are the support columns. Now, in a perfect world, they should be steel but given the age of the building, they might be wood. Catherine: Yeah, it's wood, all right. (CATHERINE looks at the damage to the beam.) Catherine: And it looks like somebody took a sledgehammer to it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ALAN RICH CUTLERY - DAY] (ALAN RICH looks at the tip of the knife extracted from JESSICA HALL. He explains the knife to SARA and BRASS.) Alan Rich: So you really pulled this out of a corpse? Sara: Yeah ... but I cleaned it for you. Brass: We need to know the make of that knife. Alan Rich: Well, it's not a knife. The tip's double-edged. Bevels on both sides, downward slope. This came from a dagger which means it's either carbon steel or stainless steel. I get asked this question more than you think. (He pulls out a lemon juice squirt container and puts a few drops on the tip of the knife.) Sara: Acid in the lemon juice should react to carbon steel, but not stainless steel. Alan Rich: How's a cop know all this? Sara: (smiles) He's the cop. I'm the scientist. Brass: I got a cop question. What are we looking for here? Alan Rich: Dark spots. (The tip has dark spots on it.) Sara: Carbon steel. What's next? Alan Rich: Length. (ALAN turns and looks for something behind the counter. He comes back with a piece of paper and a ruler.) Alan Rich: Daggers are rarely more than an inch at the base. We got the tip. So, we can fill in the rest. It's basic geometry. (Placing the tip on the piece of paper, he extends the tip of the dagger to estimate how long the weapon used was.) Alan Rich: It's five inches. Top row-- five-inch daggers, carbon steel. (He reaches into the display case and takes out a dagger to show them.) Alan Rich: This is the one you want. $24.99. We don't take credit cards. Brass: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY] (GRISSOM looks at one of the casts of the knife taken from the knife wound WARRICK made.) Warrick: Forget Shepherd's wife. I can't match the slash marks. It's all about these stab wounds. So I concentrated on Kevin Shepherd. Grissom: This is a nice job, Warrick. You know, casting is an art. (SARA walks into the room holding the dagger.) Sara: And while the artist was at work, Brass and I identified Jessica Hall's murder weapon from the tip we found lodged in her ribs. It's a dagger. Fugasi model 502. Warrick: Cool. (She hands the dagger to GRISSOM.) Grissom: So we've identified the weapon used on Jessica Hall. Was it also used on Kevin Shepherd? (GRISSOM hands the dagger to WARRICK.) Warrick: Well, I measured all the sharp points of entry on Kevin's body. Warrick: They're all identical. They're all made from the same murder weapon. (WARRICK draws the outline of the dagger onto a piece of paper.) Sara: So, if this dagger matches your mold ... (He reaches for one of the molds to compare it.) Sara: Okay. We just put the sharp wounds to bed. Warrick: Identified murder weapon number one. Now we just need that second murder weapon. Sara: Points of impact on these two are blunt, right? Warrick: Yeah, who stabs someone with a blunt instrument? Grissom: Sara, you still have the dagger tip from the body? Sara: Yeah. (SARA reaches to get the dagger tip out.) Grissom: And you have the cast of the unidentified murder weapon. Warrick: Yeah. (WARRICK reaches for the cast of the unidentified murder weapon.) Grissom: A dagger's not a diamond. It doesn't last forever. (WARRICK then matches the unidentified weapon to the tip. They match.) Grissom: We don't have two weapons. Warrick: So he started with Kevin and then he went after Jessica and then the tip broke off. Sara: And then he went back to Kevin to finish the job. Grissom: One weapon, one killer. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY] (GRISSOM examines the bug CATHERINE took from the collapsed building. GRISSOM looks at the bug in the container while CATHERINE looks through the camera footage taken earlier on the computer monitor.) Grissom: An anobiid powder-post beetle. Very nice specimen. Catherine: He likes you, too. Now, tell me about him. Grissom: Your building collapsed. Catherine: You assigned me the case. You already know that. Grissom: Well, this little guy confirms it. This species of beetle eats softwood. Tell me about the building. Catherine: The frame's made of Douglas Fir. Grissom: A delicacy. Catherine: I did find more than a bug. Dry rot, questionable repairs, a jittery Engineer. And check this out. (She turns the monitor to the side to show GRISSOM.) Grissom: Forget the beetle; this damage was intentional. You're looking for a homosapien. Catherine: I know. Gives new meaning to "home wrecker." Grissom: Catherine, there's a reason I assigned you this case. You're good with people, both the dead and the living. Catherine: Translation: We're opening a political can of worms. The mayor's involved, an election's around the corner and you could've clued me in a little earlier. (GRISSOM looks back at the beetle in the container. He turns eagerly to CATHERINE.) Grissom: Can I keep it? Catherine: Sorry. It's evidence. Grissom: Don't forget to feed him. (He hands the container back to CATHERINE.) Catherine: I know-- wood. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE] (WARRICK and SARA go over the SUV. WARRICK finds some prints.) Warrick: Oh, yeah. I got three prints on this gearshift and they are beauties. Sara: Sweaty palms make the best prints. (GRISSOM walks into the room.) Grissom: The coroner just sent over a ten card of Jessica hall's fingerprints. Evidently, I'm the new delivery boy. (GRISSOM watches WARRICK take picture of the gearshift.) Grissom: Are you doing what I think you're doing? Sara: If we find what we're looking for the answer is yes. (SARA reaches up and turns the light on.) Sara: (to GRISSOM) Can I see those prints? Warrick: The images are printing. (SARA moves over to the table and GRISSOM walks around the car to give her the prints.) Sara: Thanks. (From the printer, SARA picks up the photos that WARRICK just took of the prints off of the gearshift. She visually compares the two.) Sara: No need for AFIS. We got a visual match. All three prints belong to victim number three. Warrick: So Jessica Hall was the last person to drive the shepherds' suv. (In the back of the room, NICK walks in.) Sara: What does that give us? We know she was stabbed at the crime scene, but then what? Was she driving herself to the hospital? Was she under duress? Nick: None of the above. (Everyone turns to look at NICK.) Nick: Hey, Grissom, you know that theory I had? Grissom: Yeah. Nick: I'd like to revise it. Grissom: It's a scientist's right to re-examine his theory with each new piece of evidence, Nick. Nick: My evidence is in the layout room. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY] (Everyone stands around the table with the photos spread out in front of them as they listen to NICK'S theory.) Nick: All the wounds sustained by Kevin Shepherd were to his torso. Now, look at this. (NICK takes out a shoe from the evidence bag and puts it on a piece of paper that he hands across the table to GRISSOM and SARA to look at.) Nick: Blood flow on the left instep of Kevin Shepherd's shoe. Warrick: Lucky for us the rain missed that. Grissom: When death is not immediate a victim will instinctively curl up into a fetal position. Which may have protected this from the rain. Sara: Preserving the blood pattern. Grissom: You expect blood on a victim but let's ask the question: Could the normal action and behavior of our victim have put his blood there? Sara: The victim was lying on the ground, wounds above the waist. It's not Kevin's blood. Warrick: Who else had a flowing wound? Nick: Amy Shepherd was too far away but Jessica Hall was alive and bleeding. Grissom: Okay. How did her blood get on his shoe? Nick: Gravity. Warrick, please, on the floor our back. (NICK heads to the space on the floor in front of the door.) Warrick: Man, why are you always trying to put me down? (SARA smiles.) Nick: Sara, you're Jessica. (SARA stops smiling.) Nick: Come on, now. Sara: (sighs) Okay. (SARA and WARRICK get into position. WARRICK lies down on his back on the ground. SARA stands over him.) Warrick: All right, I'm bleeding from my abdomen. Sara: Standing here, I'm not going to get that much blood on Warrick. Grissom: Get closer. Sara: Well, I can't without ... stepping on him. Grissom: You can if you kneel down. Warrick: Why would she do that? (SARA kneels down on the ground near WARRICK'S feet.) Grissom: Possibly to help or to hinder. (NICK kneels down.) Nick: I say hinder. (Quick flashback to: That night, KEVIN SHEPHERD fights with his assailant. JESSICA HALL helps hold him down. As the assailant hits KEVIN SHEPHERD to subdue him, he stabs JESSICA.) Assailant (man): Grab his legs! (She turns and holds down KEVIN SHEPHERD'S feet, her blood spilling onto his shoes.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: She was in on it. She held him down while someone else stabbed him. Warrick: By the positioning of her wound, I'd say it looked like her stabbing was an accident. Sara: Stabbing's are messy and inexact. So victim number three becomes suspect number two. Grissom: Nick, get a warrant for Jessica Hall's apartment. We'll see if suspect number two leads us to suspect number one. And bring a scorecard with you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TEMPORARY EVIDENCE VAULT - DAY] (CATHERINE stands on top of the ladder in the evidence vault getting a package down from the top shelf.) Paul Newsome: Can, uh, can I give you a hand with that? Catherine: Nope. (CATHERINE steps down the ladder and notices PAUL NEWSOME standing there.) Catherine: How did you get in here? Paul Newsome: Well, I flashed my city I.D. And, uh, my smile. (He smiles up at her. She is unimpressed. Unaided, she walks down the rest of the ladder and puts the package she's carrying on the table.) Paul Newsome: What are we looking for? Catherine: A lot of factors contributed to the collapse. I'm focusing on the human element. (Inside the package, she takes out the wood beam. PAUL NEWSOME puts the package aside.) Catherine: Now... if a sledgehammer was taken to this column recently there'd be evidence of discoloration. The damaged part would be lighter. (CATHERINE uses a hand scope to look at the beam.) Paul Newsome: (holds out his hand) May I? (CATHERINE straightens and hands PAUL NEWSOME the scope. He leans in and looks at the wood. He reaches out a hand to touch the wood, but CATHERINE stops him.) Catherine: Hands off. Paul Newsome: Oh, right. Sorry. (after a moment) No. No discoloration. (He straightens and hands CATHERINE the scope back. CATHERINE leans down to look for herself when he stops her.) Paul Newsome: Would you like to know why? (She looks at him.) Catherine: Yeah. Paul Newsome: Five years ago, the building was apartment Vietnam. The facility was substandard. The city turned its back on it. The tenants revolted. Blake Neferson, apartment 204 took a sledgehammer to that column. It's public record -- he was arrested. (He hands the file to CATHERINE.) Catherine: Public record? And you failed to indicate the damage in your inspection report? Paul Newsome: There wasn't enough damage to cause concern. Catherine: Tell that to the women who were crushed to death. (CATHERINE leans in to look at the wood herself.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JESSICA HALL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT] (The door opens. BRASS walks in and turns on the nearest lamp light. GRISSOM and NICK walk into the apartment.) Nick: I heard the lab matched the blood on Kevin Shepherd's shoe to Jessica. My theory's getting better and better. (GRISSOM takes note of the various post-its hanging on her vanity mirror.) Brass: Not so fast, Nicholas. P.D. traced a call Shepherd made to Jessica from Andre's restaurant. Nick: What's he doing calling the woman who helped kill him? Grissom: It's your theory, pal. (GRISSOM walks into the apartment. He walks into the kitchen and turns on the light where he finds more post-it note reminders.) (GRISSOM walks into the office area and turns on the lamp. He finds more post- it reminders around her monitor.) Grissom: Our little Jessica was a prolific note-taker. "Be a good person today." Brass: Yeah, right. Try not to kill too many people. Grissom: "Cancel water cooler delivery." "Plan girl's night out." "Light bulbs for porch." (GRISSOM finds a letter sized notepad on top of the computer mouse. He puts it into an envelope.) Nick: I think I found a keypiece of evidence. Cat: Mrrrow. (NICK walks into the room holding a red tabby cat.) Nick: The redhead we've been looking for. Grissom: Red hairs on Jessica. She owns a tabby cat. Red hairs on Shepherd. Nick: Chances are Shepherd was here without his wife. Brass: Yeah. I'm going to run Jessica's cell phone records and Shepherd's. If anything was between those two we'll find out. (BRASS turns to leave the room. He passes the OFFICER at the door on his way out.) Brass: (to OFFICER) Stay here, fella. (NICK puts the cat down.) (GRISSOM looks at the different post-it notes on the monitor.) [GRISSOM'S POV - PANS THE POST-ITS ON MONITOR] Nick: (reading) "To access Achex, double-click icon. User name: Jessica. Password: Money." (They look at each other.) Grissom: Try it. Nick: Yeah. (NICK takes a seat behind the computer and powers it on.) Nick: Achex. Personal on-line banking. Deposits, checking, money transfers everything under the sun. (NICK puts in the password and clicks. He gets a ledger screen.) Nick: Okay, I'm in. Direct deposit from Beaumont's department store$500 a week -- probably her weekly paycheck. (He looks around and clicks on more screens.) Grissom: And then a $35,000 day? Nick: What, she win the lottery? Grissom: How does a girl who makes $2,000 a month pull in $35,000 ... only to give it away on the same day? Nick: Let's see who she gave it to. Grissom: It hasn't posted yet. (NICK sighs and shakes his head disappointed.) Nick: No luck. Grissom: Wait. Go back. (NICK goes back and the following screen appears: [We have initiated a deposit of Achex payment into your bank checking account. Time of deposit: 10:02 AM Deposit Confirmation 174976 MARCH 28, 2001 Pay to the Order of: JESSICA HALL Transfer from: KEVIN SHEPHERD 17568932 If you should like to keep a paper copy of this transaction, simply click on the PRINT button in your browser. Please note: As with checks that you deposit, Achex payments must still be cleared by your bank before the money becomes available for spending. Typically it take two days for deposited funds to become available. Your bank can tell you more precisely the time it will take for your Achex payment to clear.] Grissom: Well, we know who she got it from -- Kevin Shepherd. Nick: Wait a minute -- Shepherd paid Jessica to murder him and his wife? Grissom: Maybe. (beat) Maybe not. (NICK looks up at GRISSOM.) Grissom: We can't speak from the evidence, Nick and everybody else is dead. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DOCUMENTS LAB] (NICK hands the notepad to RONNIE LITRE who gets to work on it immediately.) Nick: I took this from our suspect's apartment. Ronnie Litre: Husband and wife carjacking. I heard about the case. My friend and I eat at Andre's. Creepy. Nick: Don't cancel your next reservation. It wasn't a carjacking. Ronnie Litre: Well, it's a fresh pad. Only a couple of pages missing. Let's see what she wrote on those missing pages. (Various cuts of RONNIE LITRE prepping the paper. When he's done, he and NICK read what was written on the sheets above it.) Nick: "Quarters for laundry." Not incriminating. "Pay parking ticket." "Andre's at 9:00 P.M."? (NICK grabs the paper and leaves.) Nick: Whoa! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY] (GRISSOM puts his glasses on and looks a the paper.) Grissom: Andre's, nine p.m. Green SUV. "Corner of sixth. Sunday, K's office, 8:00 A.M." This is a blueprint for murder. Nick: Assuming "K" is Kevin they were planning to meet three days after he was murdered. Grissom: He paid Jessica $35,000. He called her as he was leaving the restaurant. He wasn't supposed to die. Nick: No. Neither was Jessica. Grissom: Kevin shepherd took a hit out on his wife and something went wrong. And we may have the proof. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DOCUMENTS LAB -- DAY (They're back in Q.D.) Ronnie Litre: Okay, we've got the blueprint and Kevin Shepherd's credit card receipt from Andre's. Okay. Now, normally, a signature wouldn't give us much. (RONNIE points to the restaurant receipt that reads: TOTAL: $97.40 GRATUITY: $20.00 TOTAL: $117.40 SIGN: {SIGNATURE K. SHEPHERD} SHEPHERD, KEVIN THANK YOU! PLEAES COME AGAIN! ) Ronnie Litre: But look at the "K" on the receipt. now look at the K in Kay's office. Okay? Also, look at the "S" in "SUV" and "Sunday." Now, look at the "S" in Shepherd. Both letters are identical. He wrote both these documents. Grissom: I think Shepherd planned the murder of his wife. Nick: I'm with you. Why'd he end up dead? Brass: Bad karma. Jessica and this Shepherd guy had been phoning each other day and night for the past two years. What does that tell you? Grissom: They had a very healthy relationship. Nick: He was cheating on his wife, Amy. Brass: And there's more. On the night of the murder, after Jessica got off the phone with shepherd, she made a call. Grissom: To who? Cue Sound: (PRELAP) BUZZARD [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DRYING ROOM - DAY] (SARA opens the door and walks inside. WARRICK is close behind her.) Sara: Grissom didn't say what he was looking for, huh? Warrick: No. (SARA starts checking the tags, looking for something specific.) Warrick: He just said check his clothes. Drying room. Six years in the job and it still freaks me out in here. Sara: I think it's peaceful. (He stops and looks at her.) Warrick: Yeah. (They both resume their search. WARRICK flips the tag and finds it. The tag reads: 145348-3212 / EVIDENCE / SUBJECT/ GREEN, JUSTIN".) Warrick: Here we go. Here we go. Justin Green. The eyewitness. (WARRICK takes out the jacket and holds it up.) Sara: He's a suspect? When did that happen? Warrick: Here's another thing the rain ruined -- the blood pattern on Justin's jacket. Sara: Not the t-shirt. (SARA looks at the blood on the clothes and finds something strange.) Sara: Warrick ... what does that look like to you? Warrick: That looks like a handprint. (SARA puts her hand on her waist in an awkward position, her eyes on the T-shirt. WARRICK holds out his hand over the print.) Warrick: Right hand. Justin's? Sara: Wrist doesn't bend that way. Warrick: So, it's not Justin's. Sara: We know where Jessica's hands were. Warrick: Holding down Kevin's feet. Sara: And Amy Shepherd died instantly. Warrick: So, whose handprint is that? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY] (GRISSOM holds up a transparency of a bloodied hand.) Grissom: Kevin Shepherd's. This is a transparency of Kevin Shepherd's defense wounds. (GRISSOM places the transparence directly over the shirt.) Grissom: They fit perfectly over the handprint on Justin's shirt. Sara: Justin's story was that he performed CPR on Kevin Shepherd. Warrick: Yeah, but Kevin grabbed Justin's shirt so that means he was still breathing. Nick: Which means he didn't need CPR. Grissom: We just put the dagger in Justin Green's hand. (Quick flashback to: That night. KEVIN SHEPHERD is on the ground struggling with JUSTIN GREEN. JUSTIN hits KEVIN a couple of times, KEVIN grabs JUSTIN'S shirt. JUSTIN stabs KEVIN. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Damn it. Justin sold me a lie and I bought it. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. COLLAPSED BUILDING - DAY] (CATHERINE walks out of the building and under the crime scene tape. She stops and looks at the candles, flowers and other gifts left near the sidewalk in front of the building in a make-shift memorial.) (Above, another aircraft passes by.) (She stops and thinks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY] (Camera opens on an experiment being set up. PAUL NEWSOME leans down through the glass of the experiment and looks at it.) Paul Newsome: What are you doing? Catherine: Proving that you're not responsible for what happened to that building. (CATHERINE continues to set up the experiment. PAUL walks toward her and smiles.) Paul Newsome: I'm growing on you. Aren't I? (CATHERINE doesn't comment on that remark. She explains the experiment.) Catherine: The damaged support column buckled. Why? Paul Newsome: The weight of the building wasn't evenly distributed out to the load-bearing walls by the joists ... Catherine: Good. We're on the same page. Now, I put a section of the floor assembly in the tank. I added a dozen or so of my daughter's rubber balls two sub-woofers ... Paul Newsome: You put the whole thing on vibration isolators. Catherine: Exactly. Because I suspect that sound vibrations may be the ultimate cause of the collapse. (CATHERINE turns on the player and Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 in C minor, Op. 67, First Movement, allegro con brio, starts playing over the speakers.) Paul Newsome: Are you saying Beethoven brought down the building? Catherine: No, but, uh, maybe F-16s and whatever else they're flying out of Nellis Air Force Base. (CATHERINE turns around and turns the volume up.) Catherine: Now, I ramped up the decibels on the stereo to maximize the vibrations. Paul Newsome: Now you've lost me. (The speakers vibrate causing the experiment to vibrate. The rubber balls in the tank vibrate also.) Catherine: Watch the bouncing balls. (Quick Camera close up of the nails in the wooden beam as they start vibrating and rotating.) Catherine: The nails are rotating. Like screws. Righty, tighty. Lefty, loosey. Paul Newsome: Of course. Loose nails, bounce in the joists. Catherine: Multiply that by 50 years of flybys. (CATHERINE turns around to the player.) (Quick flashback to: An old sepia colored view of the apartment room that segues into a black and white colored view of the apartment that dissolves into a colored view of the apartment that dissolves into another colored, more modern view of the apartment room.) (In the background, we hear Beethoven's Symphony playing and we hear various aircraft flying above. The room continues to change and age into the present till finally the entire room collapses.) (The ceiling falls; the walls crumble. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (CATHERINE turns the volume down.) Paul Newsome: (loudly) So you're pointing the... (The music stops.) Paul Newsome: (normally) So you're pointing the finger at the Air force? Catherine: No. You point one finger there's always going to be four pointing back at you. Beetles, sabotage, dry rot and time. Paul Newsome: Am I off the hook? Catherine: Yes. (PAUL NEWSOME smiles and turns to look at the experiment.) Catherine: Anything you want to say to me? Paul Newsome: As a matter of fact, yes. (He turns to look at CATHERINE.) Paul Newsome: Could've saved yourself a lot of trouble by not making me a suspect in the first place. (He smiles knowingly, then walks away.) Catherine: You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM] (GRISSOM, BRASS and the rest of the crew sit around the table.) Grissom: Okay. Jim got us a court order for production of documents. On the left, the phone records of Kevin Shepherd, Amy Shepherd, Jessica Hall and Justin Green. On the right, their banking records. (SARA hits the computer highlighting the transaction on the following sheet. It reads: 03/28/01 $35,000 from 17568932.) (The Deposit Confirmation screen pops up. It's the same as shown previously.) Sara: Wednesday. 10:02 ... Kevin transferred $35,000 to his mistress, Jessica. Wednesday 2:16 p.m. ... Grissom: Jessica transferred the money out of her account. To Justin Green? (Another Deposit Confirmation screen pops up. It reads: DEPOSIT CONFIRMATION: We have initiated a deposit of Achex payment into your bank checking account. Time of deposit: 2:16 PM Deposit Confirmation 9721 MARCH 28, 2001 Pay to the Order of: JUSTIN GREEN $35,000.00 Transfer from: JESSICA HALL 17362551 ) Sara: Yes. Deposit for $35,000. Grissom: Well, if it was a straight-on hit for hire Jessica would've steered clear of the crime scene. Nick: Maybe not. In 1997, Jessica and Justin had a joint account. And they shared the same last name. Warrick: Whew. Curveball. (Quick flashback to: The night of the murders. JESSICA HALL and JUSTIN GREEN watch The SHEPHERDS have dinner.) Brass: (V.O.) So Jessica hired her ex-husband to kill her boyfriend's wife. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: All in the family. Sara: I can trump that. Sorry, Nick. Thursday, 11:09 A.M. $70,000 was transferred to Justin Green's account. Warrick: From? Sara: Not Jessica. Not Kevin. Grissom: Only one left is Amy. Warrick: Yes, that's affirmative. I can trump that. Wednesday, 3:00 P.M. Justin called Amy Shepherd. Brass: Oh, I bet I can tell you that conversation. (Quick flashback to: AMY SHEPHERD is standing in a parking lot on her cell phone with JUSTIN GREEN.) Amy Shepherd: Do you really expect me to believe that? Justin Green: Yeah. Look, you've got to know about the affair. Check his bank account. He paid out 35. You want to counter? (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Amy Shepherd does the unthinkable. She doubles it. Grissom: Why kill one when you and collect over 100 grand? Brass: Makes financial sense. Grissom: And Justin secures his double cross with an insurance policy. He eliminates the person that hired him. Jessica wasn't stabbed by accident. She was a loose end. (Quick flashback to: The night of the murder. JUSTIN GREEN stands out on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette waiting for the SHEPHERDS. He inhales and sees them walk by.) Kevin Shepherd: Eight years. People said we wouldn't last. Happy anniversary. Amy Shepherd: Happy anniversary. (JUSTIN sees them and flicks his cigarette away.) (Cut to: AMY SHEPHERD stands at the car when JUSTIN comes up behind her and kills her.) (He stands up holding the bloodied knife and walks over to KEVIN and JESSICA.) Justin Green: It's over, man. (JUSTIN looks at JESSICA and smiles.) Justin Green: It's over. Look, you better split. Go call 9-1-1. (KEVIN and JESSICA both turn around. The moment KEVIN'S back is turned, JUSTIN attacks him and stabs him in the back. KEVIN falls to the road. JESSICA gasps and tries to stop him.) Jessica Hall: Stop! What are you doing? (JUSTIN turns around and stabs JESSICA.) Justin Green: Shut up, you slut! (She falls to the road. JUSTIN turns back to KEVIN.) Justin Green: She's always going to be my wife. You're never going to have her! (JESSICA gets up and grabs JUSTIN. He pushes her back down again.) Justin Green: Get away from me! (JUSTIN turns back to finish off KEVIN. JESSICA gets up and makes her way to the SUV. She picks up her bag and gets into the car.) (As the car engine starts, JUSTIN turns to see JESSICA drive off.) (Cut to: The knife is thrown down the gutter. JUSTIN looks around as he hears a dog barking. He sees the dog and the dog's owner standing there.) Justin Green: (to the owner) Call an ambulance! (JUSTIN rushes back to KEVIN and fakes giving CPR.) (End of flashback.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (BRASS and GRISSOM stand around the table in the interview room.) Brass: Jessica took the car. You hid in plain sight, offering aid to the victim. Grissom: Normally, when they pay to have someone killed they do it so they're not connected to the crime. Why was Jessica even there? (JUSTIN doesn't say anything.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS] (BRASS and GRISSOM walk out of the interview room.) Brass: (to the officer by the doorway) Timmy. (TIMMY goes inside the room.) Brass: The Shepherds -- to the world they looked like the perfect couple. Grissom: You know what they say about looks. Brass: They can be deceiving? Grissom: They can kill. (They both walk off camera frame.)

Plan: A: A couple; Q: How many people were killed in the street? A: their anniversary; Q: What were the couple celebrating? A: their car; Q: What was stolen from the couple? A: The crime scene; Q: What is compromised when it rains? A: a new crime scene; Q: What does the car become? A: Catherine; Q: Who looks into the collapse of a city owned residence? A: three; Q: How many elderly women were killed in the collapse of the city owned residence? A: the city engineer; Q: Who is responsible for the building? Summary: A couple leaving a restaurant on their anniversary are killed in the street and their car is stolen. The crime scene is compromised when it rains shortly after the CSIs arrive. It gets more mysterious when the car is found and it becomes a new crime scene. Catherine looks into the collapse of a city owned residence that kills three elderly women. She runs into problems with the city engineer responsible for the building.

Credit & Thanks to ~ Vibrant Fields ~ [PREVIOUSLY_ON] Hahn: You're not attracted to me. You think you are, but you're not. Christina to Izzie: You are nowhere near hard-core enough to commit to cardio. George: Why isn't this easier? Izzie: I don't know. George: Well, I want my best friend back. Webber to Bailey: You deserve the job, I should've given it to you in the first place. Bailey: Things are gonna be different from here on in. Your love lives, your hopes and dreams, the little joys and tragedies that make you who you are have no place in my hospital. Bailey to Tucker Sr: This is our son. Tucker Sr: He's beautiful. [SCENE_BREAK] Christina's Bedroom. She is dancing up a storm. MVO: We go into medicine because we want to save lives. We go into medicine because we want to do good. We go into medicine for the rush, for the high, for the ride. Meredith stands in the doorway. Christina: You're not dancing. Meredith: I'm too tense to dance. Christina: Which is why we're dancing. Meredith: My problem is, I'm sleeping with a man who's dating. And I don't care if he dates Sydney. It's the woman he dates after Sydney, that's my problem. And if I had any sense at all, I would break up with the breakup s*x. There would be no more breakup sexing. If I had any sense. Christina: Shut up! Dance it out. MVO: But what we remember at the end of most days are the losses. What we lay awake at night replaying is, the pain we caused or failed to cure, the lives we ruined or failed to save. Meredith: You know, I'm gonna tell him. I don't want him seeing other people. Christina: Good. Fine. Whatever. Meredith: I'm gonna tell him, and I feel good about it. Christina: Dancing makes you brave. MVO: So the experience of practicing medicine rarely resembles the goal. The experience, too often, is ass-backwards and upside down. Izzie comes out of bathroom and sees the two of them dancing. Izzie goes to her room down the hall. George is still in bed. Izzie: I am so sick of Meredith and Cristina and their stupid love affair with each other that they have to rub in everyone's faces. This stupid dancing. Friggin' Bobbsey twins. Stupid! George: You're ranting. It's kinda early in the morning for ranting. Izzie: We're supposed to be the happy ones. We should be dancing, George. Why aren't we dancing? George: You want to dance? Izzie: Whatever. I'm gonna go in early. I'm gonna get on hard-core Erica Hahn cardio, and I'm gonna kick ass at it. And when I kick ass at cardio, it's gonna piss Cristina off, but it won't matter, because I'll be a kick-ass cardio god. [SCENE_BREAK] Bailey's Kitchen Tucker Sr: I'm just staying, you're never here. Bailey: Hold on, hold on. I mess up the rotation schedule, the residents are gonna dog me all week. Okay. Tucker Sr: You're never here. Bailey: I'm here in the mornings. I'm here at night. Tucker Sr: You're here between midnight and 6:00 a. m. Bailey: I'm chief resident now. Tucker Sr: And I'm loading the dishwasher! Bailey: (to the baby) Hi. (to Tucker) You volunteered to stay home with T-U-C-K. Tucker Sr: Who else was gonna take care of T-U-C-K? Bailey: I'm late for work. Okay. (to baby) Hey, honey. Tucker Sr: We need to talk. Bailey: Okay, uh, take the baby by your mom, and meet me for lunch, okay? We'll talk then. Tucker Sr: Well, why can't we talk here? Bailey: 'Cause I'm only here between the hours of midnight and 6:00 a. m. Now come on. Now just meet me for lunch, Tucker. Come on now. Tucker Sr: Lunch. Bailey: Yes, lunch. [SCENE_BREAK] closed office. Meredith and Derek are putting on their scrubs. Meredith: Thatcher's not my problem. He can get drunk all he wants. I don't care. Derek: Right. Meredith: I don't care about Lexie, either. She's a big girl. She can take care of herself. Derek: You talk about them an awful lot for someone who doesn't care. You care because you're you. Meredith: You're gonna make me late for my meeting with Sloan. Derek: Well, okay then, go. Meredith stops at the door and looks at Derek. Derek: What? Meredith: Nothing. I'm ... gonna be late. [SCENE_BREAK] Hallway; Lexie is walking down the hallway. Alex is behind her and tries to catch up. Alex: Hey Lexie: I'm late for Sloan's meeting. Alex: Yeah, so am I. Lexie: Also, I'm not speaking to you. Alex pull her into a side office and kisses her. Lexie: I'm still not speaking to you. Alex: You don't have to speak. He leans in to kiss her again. Meredith walks down the hallway and sees him. Meredith: (to Alex) Late for Sloan. [SCENE_BREAK] Nick's room; The room is packed with Nurses, Interns, Doctors. Sloan: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is Nick Hanscomb. Nick (played by Seth Green): Hi. Sloan: Nick was lucky enough to have me remove a large carotid body tumor from his neck. The fact that I was able to get clean boundaries is pretty darn impressive, even for me. Derek: Congratulations. Sloan: Don't interrupt. Now despite the fact that it was a wildly successful surgery, we had to dissect out deep lymph nodes in his neck. There is now only a delicate flap of skin between his carotid artery and the outside world. That said, what am I worried about? Meredith: I would think given the friability of the skin, that there's a great possibility that the, um, the artery could blow? Sloan: Right. Nick: Oh, don't worry. I've ... I've heard this before. Sloan: If that happens, whoever's in the room, I don't care if it's a doctor, a nurse, an orderly, your job is to stop the bleeding then page me, in that order. Are we clear? Any questions? Nick: They look scared. Sloan: They're medical professionals, Nick. A healthy level of fear is encouraged. Nick: Okay, then, uh, if I do die, it will have been lovely meeting you all. Sloan: See? The patient is confident. You should be confident. That's it. [SCENE_BREAK] Ambulance Bay Bailey: What do we got? Stan: Jacob Nolston, 47, status post a double bypass surgery two weeks ago, now presents febrile with pain and tenderness in his surgical incisions. Ray: We got a 10-car pileup on the freeway. You mind taking him from here? Bailey: Oh, you got it. Callie: Okay, I need a gurney for the transfer. Izzie: I'll page Hahn. Christina: I'll page Hahn. Bailey: Sounds like we all agree. Get him inside and flip for it. Shane: You're in good hands, Mr. Nolston. Jacob: Thank you, gentlemen. Callie: On three. One, two, three. Christina: When are you gonna realize you're in over your head? Izzie: When are you gonna realize that you don't own the cardio department? Christina: He's my patient. Izzie: I got here first. Dibs. Meredith looks down the street and sees another ambulance on its way in. Meredith: Hey, you guys. Christina: You can't call dibs on a human being. The ambulance is not slowing down and still headed their direction. Meredith: You guys, I think we should move. Izzie: Let go of the gurney. Christina: You let go. The ambulance is now very close and still at full speed with sirens blaring. Meredith: Move! All of them rush back into the hospital. The ambulance comes racing in and slams into the first ambulance, which flips over onto it's roof. [SCENE_BREAK] Jacob: Arrh! Ah, my leg! Izzie: (to Christina) You okay? Christina: (to Izzie) I'm good. Let's go. They wheel Jacob into the Hospital. Bailey leads everyone towards the ambulances. Bailey: Call the fire department! Get some gurneys out here! Callie: Ray. Ray, can you hear me? Ray: Stan? Stan? Oh, my god. Stan, open your eyes, man. Oh, man. Don't scare me like that. Meredith: Let's get you guys outta there. Callie: No, stop. Stop! Don't touch anything. Don't touch anything until fire stabilizes the rig. These doors aren't gonna budge. Bailey: Uh, Torres, I need your help here! Get the driver! Callie: Okay, on my way! (to Meredith) All right, listen. Just page somebody to help you and keep them talking. You got this? Meredith: Yeah. Stan: Don't leave. Don't. Meredith: Okay. Somebody page the chief. [SCENE_BREAK] Other Ambulance; Bailey opens the back doors and sees a EMT and a patient. Bailey: Hey, you okay? Shane: No, but I'm not as bad off as this guy. He started coding after we picked him up. Mary had some kind of seizure. Bailey moves to the patient. Callie appears at the driver's side. Callie: Mary? Mary, come on, girl. Wake up. I need some help here. Bailey: There's no pulse. We'll call the coroner. Let me check your injuries. Shane: No. (to Callie) Is she dead? Bailey: (to herself to get into position to check Shane) Yeah, I'll go around. Callie: No, but she looks postictal. She's also got a bad elbow dislocation and a weak pulse. Shane: She was driving, she was talking to me. She just started convulsing, and then we slammed into that other rig. Bailey: (to Shane) All right. You think you can move? Shane: Yeah. Bailey goes to put a neck collar on Shane. He bats her away. Bailey: Hey, now you know I need to stabilize you. You know the drill. Shane: My c-spine's clear. I can walk. Bailey: Well, come on. (she backs out of the ambulance) Where are you injured? Shane: My gut. Upper abdomen. Listen, I know this is gonna sound weird, but do you think you could get me a guy doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] Nick's Room Nick: How am I doing? Lexie: Strong and stable. Nick: Strong and stable? Two words that have never been used to describe me, ever. (beat) You're a pretty girl. I hope you don't think that's rude. I'm just. I haven't been allowed to notice that kind of thing for a while and. Now I'm allowed. Lexie: You're allowed to notice prettiness? Nick: Well, I'm allowed to notice, uh, other women, women other than my girlfriend. My now, uh, ex-girlfriend. Lexie: Oh, I'm sorry. Nick: Yeah, giant neck tumors weren't her thing. Lexie: She left you because of the tumor? Nick: Of course not. No. She left me because, uh, I didn't make her laugh anymore, and, uh, she had just lost that lovin' feeling. Lexie: She left you because of the tumor. That sucks. Nick: Yep. (beat) You seeing anyone? I'm ... I'm just making conversation. My artery's exposed, you know, which kind of limits my game. Lexie: Okay, uh. Yes. Well, kind of, I am. Nick: Nice guy? Lexie: Yeah, he is. Well, he's kind of, um, he's kind of a nice guy disguised as a jerk. Nick: Oh, yeah, I-I know that type. My.. my girlfriend was a ... nice girl, disguised as a vapid narcissist. But then it turned out she really was just a vapid narcissist. Lexie: Ouch. Nick: Yeah. So you really like this guy? Even though he doesn't have a super cool exposed carotid artery? Lexie: Yeah, I do. [SCENE_BREAK] Derek: What's going on in the pit? You just wiped the surgical board. Rose: Oh, uh, a couple of ambulances crashed into each other, so I'm canceling all electives to free up the O.R. s for emergent surgeries. Derek: Are we friends yet? Rose: I'm sorry? Derek: Friends. Are we friends? I-I know I just learned your name and all, Rose, but I ... I'd like to think I could call you a friend. Rose: Why? Derek: Because if I'm your friend, I could tell you about the licorice stuck in your teeth. Whereas a mere acquaintance, I'd smile politely and pretend it wasn't there. Rose: Thank you. Derek: (as he walks away) Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Wife: Jacob! Sandra: Dad. Jacob: Hey, guys. Sandra: You okay? Wife: What happened to your leg? Jacob: There was a ... a little accident, but, uh, I'm okay. It doesn't hurt. Wife: Well, what kind of an accident? Jacob: Um, the ambulances crashed. Wife: The ambulances crashed? Jacob: Sandra, tell your mother not to panic. Sandra: Stop panicking, mom. Lucy: Is his heart okay? Izzie: What's your name? Lucy: Lucy. Izzie: Lucy. I'm Izzie. Your dad's heart is hurt, but we're gonna work really hard to make it better, okay? Hahn: I was paged. Dr. Yang? Christina: Oh, I ... Jacob Nolston, two weeks post-op from a CABG. My initial exam suggests a sternal infection. Izzie: Our initial exam. Christina: And he also sustained injuries to his leg from an accident outside the E. R. Hahn: Okay, Stevens, when you can tear yourself away, page Torres about the shrapnel in this man's leg. And you can work with her today. I only need one. [SCENE_BREAK] Exam Room Shane: No. Bailey: You have to let me examine you. Shane: I can wait. I'll wait for a guy. Bailey: Uh, you're shy. Okay, I-I get that. This is no time for shy. Now my hands may be smaller than a man's, but my brain is much larger, I assure you. Now you're just going to have to let me examine you right. Shane: No, do not ... do not touch me. Bailey: For the love of ... Webber: Dr. Bailey, you have an emergent situation? Bailey: No, he says he wants a male doctor. He doesn't want my female hands to touch him. Webber: Let me see his chart. Um, Shane. I'm Dr. Webber. I'm gonna palpate your abdomen. Shane: No, no. Webber: I thought you said he wanted a male doctor. Bailey: He did. Shane: No, look, I-I just. I meant. I-I want another. I want a different doctor. I'll wait for a different doctor. Bailey: A different doctor? Webber: You mean you want a white doctor. (looks at Bailey with controlled emotion) I have paramedics hanging upside down. Can you handle ... this? Bailey: Yes, sir. I can. [SCENE_BREAK] Exam Room; Callie and nurse are looking at Mary's elbow. Derek walks in and picks up the x-ray. Derek: Dr. Torres. Callie: This is Mary Daltry. She, uh, lost consciousness behind the wheel. Mary: You're the neuro guy? Derek: Yes, I'm Dr. Shepherd. Mary: Why did I have a seizure? I don't know. I mean, I've never had a seizure before. I mean, I'm fine, except apparently I caused this accident. Derek: Call radiology. Let's get her in for an M.R.I. George: Yes, sir. Mary: How's Shane. My partner? Does anybody know? George: I think he's with Dr. Bailey. Mary: That's good. Callie: Okay, I'm ready to fix the arm. Are you ready, Mary? Mary: Is it gonna hurt? George: Yes, but ... Callie: George. George: But Dr. Torres is very good. Callie: Okay, Dr. Shepherd, are you good? Derek: Yeah, I'm good. All right, as soon as I get some more information, I'm gonna let you know, okay, Mary? Mary: Okay. Derek: All right. (he and George leave) Callie readjusts Mary's arm and she shouts in pain. [SCENE_BREAK] Webber: How's it going in there, fellas? Stan: I think, uh, I think that they better get us out of here. Ray: Yeah. If we're putting it to a vote, I think we better get out of here, fast. Webber: I'm afraid "keep still", is the best we can do for now. Don't want to make anything worse. We'll get you some pain meds as soon as possible. Stan: Sir? Webber: Call me Richard. Stan: Richard, can you tell me, my legs, are they broken? Webber: I-I can't see your legs. Stan: How come? Webber: Oh, your ... your body's trapped in the door. You can't feel ... I can't. I can't. You can't feel that? Stan: I can't. I can't feel anything. Ray: His ears are bleeding. Webber: Yeah, I see, Ray. Stan: Can you get my wife? She works here. She's an x-ray tech. Webber: You bet. Ray: Stan, you don't die on me. You hear me? I'll be so pissed if you die on me. Stan: I'm doing my best, man. Webber: Get Stan's wife here now. Meredith: But what do we ... how do we ... Webber: we don't. Meredith: Okay, we have a whole hospital ... Webber: The moment we move him, he's gonna bleed out. All the medicine in the world won't save him. His wife has to get here soon if she wants to see her husband alive. Now move. (Meredith leaves) Stan: Talk to me. I need you to help me hold on until Sara gets here. Ray: I'm not helping you hold on, cause you're not dying. Webber: Ray. Talk to him. Help him. Ray: Remember the night you met Sara ... at Joe's? You used that ... that stupid line about ... About the bet over the song lyrics? Stan: Right. Right. What was that song? It was, uh. It was. "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. Both: I can see all the obstacles in my way gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day. It's gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day. Stan: What comes next? Ray: I don't know. Webber: "I think I can make it now, the pain is gone." Stan: I, um, I can't believe Sara fell for that line. Listen, when you get outta here, you're gonna have a great story to tell. You can tell it in the bar. You tell 'em how you got into this accident and your best friend died. Chicks love that stuff. (beat) Ray. Don't tell Sara that I was talkin' about you gettin' tail right before I died. Ray: Okay. Webber: She should be here any minute. Just hold on, Stan. [SCENE_BREAK] Exam Room ; Alex is tending to a patient with Sloan. Hahn walks in. Hahn: Dr. Sloan. I have a patient, 13 days status post CABG with a sternal infection. Sloan: So you're gonna remove the sternum? Hahn: And I need you to manipulate the pectoral muscles so we don't leave a giant hole in the man's chest. Can you make time? Sloan: Can you make time for a drink with me after? Hahn: Did I mention time is a factor here? I'm looking for a yes or no answer. Sloan: As am I. Hahn: This may be enjoyable to you, Dr. Sloan, but I have a patient in serious condition. I came to you because legend has it that you're the best in plastics. But if bad jokes and sleazy come-ons are what I'm in for all afternoon, I'll page whoever's second best. Sloan: Dr. Hahn. I apologize. And I'll clear my schedule. Hahn: Thank you. O.R. 1. Sloan: (to Alex at the desk) Uh, why don't you clean this up here and, uh, clear my schedule, and you can scrub in? Alex: Thank you. Sloan leaves. Alex: (to patient) Sorry about that. Ava walks in. Alex: (to patient) I'm sorry. I'll be right back. Alex takes Ava into the hallway. Ava: So, coffee? Alex: I can't. Ava: You can't? When I was your patient, you made time for me. Alex: 'Cause you were my patient. Ava: And here I thought it was 'cause you liked me. Alex: Look, I'm really sorry. I gotta finish up with this patient, and then I'm scrubbing in on a surgery, and it's one I've never seen before. Ava: Can I watch? Alex: What? Ava: Can I watch the ... the surgery? Can I ... can you sneak me in? Alex: No. You know how much trouble I'd get in for that? Ava: Come on. Since when are you a rule follower? There's always a dozen people in the back of the O.R. And there's a gallery. Alex: Ava. Ava: Please. [SCENE_BREAK] Fire Department: We're ready to go. Webber: Hold off for a moment. His wife's arriving. (to Stan) Stan, Sara's here. Ray: Stan, wake up, man. Sara's here. Wake up! Stan: (in a lot of pain) That's good. That's good. Stan's Wife: Baby? Baby. Hey. [SCENE_BREAK] Exam Room; Izzie, Christina, Callie and patient Jacob. Callie: Your x-ray shows that the metal's embedded in your femur, so I'm gonna go in and remove it while Dr. Hahn and Dr. Sloan repair the damage caused by the infection. Jacob: Repair the damage? They're removing my chest bone. Why is this all happening? My kids shouldn't have to see me this way. It's a dad's job to worry. You worry about your kids. Worry about 'em every day of their lives. But they aren't supposed to have to worry about dad. They aren't supposed to have to comfort their mom. Why am I back here? My kids. Izzie: Your kids are fine. They're taking care of each other, and they're fine. Lucy was hungry, and the others were, too, so your wife took them to the cafeteria. The point is, they're fine. They just want their dad to get better. Jacob: You'll keep an eye on 'em? When I'm in surgery, you'll keep them updated? 'Cause my wife, she, uh, she gets panicky if she doesn't know what's going on. Izzie: I will keep her updated. [SCENE_BREAK] Nurse's Station; Hahn is looking at charts. Bailey walks up. Bailey: Uh, I would like to borrow Dr. Yang. It's important. Can you spare her? Hahn: Torres, can I steal Stevens off your service? Callie: I'll give her away for free. Hahn: Yang's all yours, Dr. Bailey. Bailey: Thank you. Hahn: Yang, Stevens. Dr. Yang, Dr. Bailey has requested your capable hands. Dr. Stevens, take over prepping Mr. Nolston for surgery. Christina: But what ... wait. Hahn: Oh, just take it up with Dr. Bailey, Yang. [SCENE_BREAK] Computer Room; Alex is at terminal. Derek walks in. Derek: Hey. Alex: Hey. Derek: Mary's scans come up yet? Alex: Not yet. Derek: What's going on with you and Stevens? Just because I don't sleep in your house anymore doesn't mean I don't hear the gossip. Alex: Why are we talking about this? We don't talk. Oh, you're ... you miss Meredith and you're clinging. Derek: I'm not clinging. Alex: Oh, a little bit, you're clinging. Derek: No, I'm just making small talk. Alex: Ah, um, okay, cool. Here we go. Derek: A tumor. [SCENE_BREAK] Shane: Look, I'm hurt. I'm really hurt here. Bailey: You just lie there and try not to die. Someone will be here soon to save the master race from extinction. Shane: Oh, okay. Christina: Dr. Bailey, can I talk to you a minute? (they step out) I mean no disrespect, but can you please tell me you have an amazingly good reason for pulling me off of Dr. Hahn's service when you know I have been fighting tooth and nail to get into her good graces? Bailey: You're not black. But you're not white either. (they step in) Dr. Yang will be examining you. Shane: Oh, come on. Are you kidding? Bailey: Okay, you have medical training. How long do you think you have to live if you have internal injuries? Exactly. I seriously recommend you let this fine doctor examine you. Dr. Yang, give him the best medical treatment possible. It's the law. Christina: Sir, I need you to move your hands. He moves his hands. There is a large swastika tatoo on his abdomen. Shane: Look, I-I just didn't want her to see. I thought she might take offense, you know? [SCENE_BREAK] Ambulance bay Sara: I'm not gonna leave you. I'm not leaving here right now without you. Okay? Meredith: I've never seen her before. Webber: What? Meredith: I've never seen her before. I've worked in this hospital all this time, and before today, she was a complete stranger to me. Webber: It happens. It's a big hospital. Meredith: I've never met her before, and yet, I'm the person who handed her the worst day of her life. In her story, that's who I am. That's who I'll always be. Webber: That's the job. Meredith: That's the job, I know. Webber: Look at me. This day, this day you feel helpless. This day makes all those other days when you fight to save a life and lose, this day makes you grateful you have a chance to do anything at all. You take it in. It's time. [SCENE_BREAK] Exam Room Shane: Can you go easy? I'm injured here. Christina: You've had plenty of morphine. You'll be fine. It's not like you're in a concentration camp or anything. Shane: You know, when people are young or drunk, they get tattoos. They wake up to regret it. Christina: Oh, so you regret it? Shane: You gotta treat me like anyone else. That's the beauty of this country. Christina: Oh, yes, it is. [SCENE_BREAK] Exam Room: Mary: So, you're gonna drill into my skull? Derek: O'Malley. George: Dr. Shepherd's gonna do what we call a cookie craniotomy. Uh, he's gonna drill a very, very small hole, and then with a computer, he's going to guide the scope through your brain. It's as minimally invasive as possible. Mary: It's just ... it's weird, you know, to be on the other side of all this. How are Stan and Ray? And shane? Oh, my god. Oh, my god. How did this happen? Derek: She's seizing. [SCENE_BREAK] O.R. 1 Izzie: I always knew you were an ass, but seriously, you brought Jane Doe into the gallery? Are you trying to get yourself kicked out of the program? Alex: She wanted to see what I do. Izzie: I thought you were seeing Lexie. Alex: I'm a popular guy. Hahn: I'm sure whatever you're talking about is endlessly fascinating, Dr. Karev, but I kind of had my heart set on saving a life today. Alex: Sorry. Hahn: So, let's begin. [SCENE_BREAK] Lexie: Hey. Nurse Olivia said you needed to see me. Are you okay? Nick: My book is bad, and I hate daytime television, and all my friends are at work. Lexie: Yeah, well, I'm at work, too. I'm an intern. I'm supposed to be learning things. Nick: You can ... you can learn about my artery. You can never know too much about arteries, right? Come on. I have no one to talk to. Lexie: Fine, but I'm taking your vitals again. Nick: Okay. So, uh, you want to help me plot my revenge? Lexie: Girlfriend? Nick: Here's what I'm thinking. I page her here, and then, uh, you know, I'm all, like, "I'm dying, and I just need to gaze at your beauty one last time," and then, and then she gets here, and I flash her the artery. Lexie: It's mean. Nick: Right? Lexie: I like it. Nick: Okay, can you get me a phone? [SCENE_BREAK] Ambulance Bay Webber: Gentlemen, the moment they pull apart the rig, we're gonna come in and grab you. Ray: You take Stan, first. Webber: Once we get in there and assess, then we'll see who goes first. Ray: No, you take Stan first. You take Stan first. Stan: Ray. I think I'm gonna be okay. I'm starting to feel a little better. Ray: Don't you screw with me. Stan: No. No, I'm probably not as bad as I think. I'm probably just paralyzed. Richard, you think maybe that I can get out of here just paralyzed, right? Meredith: It's possible. It happens. Ray: Really? Stan: See. Ray: Okay. Okay. Stan: Is my wife inside? She won't see any of this? Webber: No. Stan: You'll be where I can look at you? Meredith: I'm right here, where you can look at me. Stan: Then let's do this. Ray: Try to live, man. Stan: You, too. The crane begins lifting the ambulance up. Stan is signalling Meredith. Meredith: Stop. Stop. Stop! Stop! Make them stop! Stop! Stop! Webber: What the hell are you doing? Meredith: It's Stan! Stan: Ray. Ray's back. It's in deep. He'll bleed out if you move us. Webber: It's the oxygen regulator. It's embedded in his back. Ray! Ray, you still with us? Ray: I'm here, chief. I'm still here. But my pulse is weak. Webber: Okay, he's sweaty and breathing fast, and with the angle of that regulator. Meredith: It's cardiac tamponade. Webber: If that regulator caused a tear in his heart and we move him, the regulator could move. Meredith: It'll make the tear bigger. Ray: Please let's don't flood my heart. Please. Webber: We'll stabilize him in the ambulance. Stan. You're a hero, man. You saved Ray's life. Ray: Stan? Damn it, Stan. Stan. Webber: Go get the ultrasound so we can be sure, and bring a crash cart just in case, and go find where Hahn is. [SCENE_BREAK] Christina: Okay. Films are up. Bailey: Yeah, there's intraperitoneal bleeding. Christina: His liver looks completely ruptured. Bailey: Yeah, he's gonna need a laparotomy, but maybe it'll be pretty straightforward. Christina: Oh, so I can get back to Hahn's service? Or not? Bailey: No. If I have to work on this man, so do you. Christina:Why? You don't need me. He has a swastika on his abdomen, a giant black swastika. My stepfather's parents died in Auschwitz. Bailey: Okay. You and I will do this. We will do this and we will consider ourselves having risen above. We'll rise ... above. [SCENE_BREAK] O.R. Callie pulls out a huge piece of shrapnel from Jacob's leg during surgery. Izzie sees Lexie enter the gallery and sit next to Ava. Izzie: You're busted. Alex: Save it. Hahn: You're using a cable instead of wires, Dr. Sloan. I've never seen it done that way before. Sloan: Tension banding. Learned it back in New York. I moved there after Columbia to study under John Seever. He was a great surgeon. He died last year. I was wrecked, couldn't sleep for weeks. It was like losing my own father. Hahn: What, are we on a date here? I was complimenting your surgical skills, Dr. Sloan, not looking for a window into your wounded soul. Clamp, please. [SCENE_BREAK] Christina, Bailey and several nurses are wheeling Shane to the O.R. Shane: You can't operate. I won't sign the consent form. Bailey: You need the surgery. You will die without the surgery. You may die with the surgery, but your chance of living is greatly increased if you let me operate. Shane: And it's just gonna be you two in there? Christina: Yes. Shane: No. I need to have at least one white doctor in that operating room so you don't kill me on the table. No offense. Bailey: No offense? Christina: Did he just say no offense? Bailey: Shepherd. Derek: Yeah. Bailey: I need O'Malley. Derek: We're about to go into surgery. Bailey: I need O'Malley. Derek: You okay, Dr. Bailey? Bailey: Don't cross me. Derek: Oh, I wasn't crossing you. Bailey: I'm rising above. I am rising above and do not want to be crossed while I'm busy rising. I have to operate on a white supremacist, and he has requested a white doctor to watch me to make sure that I don't kill his crazy white behind. Now I need O'Malley. Can I have him or not? Derek: Yeah, O'Malley, go with Dr. Bailey. George: Yes, sir. Bailey: Get him to sign the consent, then have him anesthetized and ready. Derek: Dr. Bailey, you're well within your rights to pass this on to somebody else. Bailey: Well, that would make me like him, and I'm not like him. [SCENE_BREAK] OR Prep room Rose: Oh, sorry, Dr. Shepherd, I'm running behind today. I'll be out of your way in just a second. Derek: Well, actually, Rose, I'm early, so technically, I'm in your way. Rose: Oh, well, in that case, don't let it happen again. (pause) You're staring at my chest. Derek: What? Rose: I think maybe you're intending to admire my ring, but it's coming off as you staring at my chest. Derek: Oh, sorry. It's just that, uh, you wear your engagement ring on your necklace. Rose: When I was engaged, I wore it on my finger. Now, yeah, necklace. The stone was my grandmother's. I don't want to lose it. Derek: Sorry Rose: Sorry, why? Derek: About your engagement. Did you call it off recently? Rose: Well, that's a pretty personal question. Derek: Yeah, well, we're friends now. I mean, I saved you hours of potential licorice humiliation, so I think you can ... It ended a year ago, and you have nothing to be sorry about. Rose: It was never gonna work out. Derek: How come? Rose: Because I was always very clear about what I wanted, and he wasn't. And there's no way to build a future on that. Derek: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Ambulance; Ray starts to panic Ray: Please, please. I-I can't be in here! I'm gonna die in here! Webber: No, no, Ray, Ray! Ray, you can't do that. You have to stay perfectly still. You cannot move. Meredith: Ray, look at me. Don't look at Stan. Look at me. You are not gonna die today, okay? Say it! Ray:I'm not gonna die. Meredith: You are not going to die today. Webber: He'll need a pericardiocentesis if it's a tamponade, but we need to get an ultrasound to be sure. Meredith: I can do it. I can get in. Webber: Meredith... Meredith: I can fit. [SCENE_BREAK] O.R. Everyone is standing in the OR waiting for Dr. Bailey. Dr. Bailey has her eyes closed. George: Dr. Bailey? Bailey: I'm calling on Jesus this time. Don't bother me when I'm calling on Jesus. I don't do it very often. He might not hear me. They all wait a moment. Dr. Bailey opens her eyes. Bailey: Scalpel. [SCENE_BREAK] Surgery gallery Ava: It's amazing, isn't it? How technical it all is, how impersonal? They're ... they're basically just mechanics, but, like, God's mechanics because what they're actually doing down there is saving a life. So you're a surgeon? Lexie: Surgical intern, first year. What about you? Ava: Oh, um, I'm not actually supposed to be here. The guy that I'm. ... I'm, you know. Lexie: Your ... your husband? Ava: No. No, no, not my husband. The guy that ... anyways, I'm just ... I wanted to see him operate. Lexie: Oh, Dr. Sloan. Oh, I get it. No, no, I'm not judging. I mean, he's kind of insanely hot. Ava: I mean ... he is, but I'm not ... I'm not with him. I'm with ... him. Do you know him? Lexie: No. No, I-I don't know him at all. [SCENE_BREAK] Baily: I'm supposed to be having lunch with my husband, O'Malley. George: Yes, ma'am. Baily: I'm supposed to be having lunch with my husband, and instead I am elbow deep in a nazi's gut. George: Yes, ma'am. Baily: No one better ever call me "Nazi" again. George: Yes, ma'am. [SCENE_BREAK] Derek: All right, okay. A little suction right there, please. That's good ... good. Okay. All right. I should be able to access the tumor now. What's going on? Did we lose power? Rose: No, the other monitors are fine. It must be the stereotactic computer. Nothing. It's dead. Derek: Are you kidding me? I'm in the woman's brain. Are you kidding me? The navigational system is dead? Rose: Should we try to get another machine? Derek: Look, if I remove the probe without a guide, it won't be just the machine that's dead. Call the company. Tell them to get over here as quickly as possible. Tell 'em we need somebody here now. [SCENE_BREAK] Ambulance bay; Meredith crawls into the overturned ambulance through the side door window. Webber: Take it slow, Grey. There's ... there's glass all around you. Meredith pauses over Stan and checks is vitals. Meredith: I'm sorry, Stan. Oh, I'm so sorry. Webber: Here. Ray (in barely a whisper): It's okay. He doesn't mind. Meredith: We're losing him, chief. Webber: Okay, get in there, Grey. Don't worry about Stan. Just get in there. [SCENE_BREAK] Exam Room Nick: Hey. Lexie: Hi. Nick: You, uh, checking in on me again? Lexie: Yep. Nick: Will you call me strong and stable again? Lexie: Let's hope. Nick: What's wrong with you? Lexie: What makes you think something's wrong? Nick: Well, your cheeks are all flushed, which they ... they weren't earlier. Is it creeping you out, how observant I am? I'm sorry. It's the boredom, I'm telling you. Lexie: Remember your girlfriend who just turned out to be a vapid narcissist? Nick: Your boyfriend turned out to just be a jerk. Lexie: Jerk, ass, and many dirtier words that are inappropriate for me to use in front of a patient. Nick: I'm sorry. Lexie: Yeah, me, too. Nick: Well, you want me to help you plot your revenge? Lexie: Okay. Nick: Okay. Here's what I'm thinking. You go out with me. Just like that. Bam! New boyfriend. And he'll be all, "What's he got that I don't have? " And you'll be all, "carotid artery ... exposed. Top that, Loser." And he'll be all, "I can't. "I can't top that. No. I am a loser." While Nick and Lexie share the joke, the laughter causes Nick's artery to blow. End of Episode

Plan: A: An ambulance crash; Q: What makes for a hectic day at Seattle Grace? A: Seattle Grace; Q: What is the name of the hospital? A: an uproar; Q: What does a wounded paramedic create in the ER? A: his tattoo; Q: What offends Bailey? A: her alias; Q: What does Bailey ask the other doctors not to use? A: the driver; Q: Who caused the accident? A: a brain tumor; Q: What did Derek and George find in the driver? A: Rose; Q: Who does Derek get to know better? A: relationship troubles; Q: What does Bailey face? A: a heart patient; Q: Who do Callie, Mark and Erica have to operate on? A: Seth Green; Q: Who does Lexie become attached to? A: a major artery; Q: What is exposed after a tumor is removed? A: Rebecca returns; Q: Who returns? A: Alex; Q: Who has been seeing Rebecca and Lexie? Summary: An ambulance crash makes for a hectic day at Seattle Grace, when Meredith and Webber have to comfort the paramedics trapped inside one of the ambulances. A wounded paramedic creates an uproar in the ER over his tattoo, offending Bailey. As she operates on him she has the other doctors swear not to use her alias anymore. Derek and George treat the driver who caused the accident, and find a brain tumor. Derek and Rose get to know each other better. Bailey faces relationship troubles over how much time she spends at the hospital. Callie, Mark and Erica have to operate on a heart patient who was injured in the crash. Lexie becomes attached to a patient ( Seth Green ), who has a major artery exposed following the removal of a tumor. Rebecca returns and Lexie finds out Alex has been seeing them both.

Faith beating up a vampire. Faith: I'm Faith. Giles (VO): Previously on Buffy The Vampire Slayer... Mayor's Office. Mayor: Open your present. Faith: (Opens it, takes out knife) This is a thing of beauty, boss. Mayor: That look on your face is my reward. Giles: (VO)We have a rogue Slayer on our hands. I can't think of anything more dangerous. Buffy fighting Faith on a rooftop. Buffy punches her then plunges a knife into her gut. Shot of truck below. Faith falls onto it. Cut to: Hospital. Faith in a bed looking ill. Mayor next to her bed. Doctor: It's a wonder she's alive at all with the blood loss. There's virtually no chance that she'll ever regain consciousness. Buffy fighting in a room. Riley: You're really strong. I like it. Walsh standing next to Adam on a bed. Walsh: I've worked too long... too long to let some little bitch threaten this project. Giles' apartment. Giles talking to Buffy. Giles: Maggie Walsh...set you up? Cut to Buffy in a dark room. Buffy (VO): Maggie wanted me dead didn't she? Buffy tries blaster. Doesn't work. Door slams behind her. Cut to Adam's room. Walsh being skewered from behind by Adam. Walsh: Adam... Walsh slumps to ground. Adam: Mommy. Initiative. Riley to Forrest. Riley: Why does it bug you so much that I'm hanging with her? Forrest: It bugs me that she's using you to infiltrate our operation. Riley: You saying she's a spy? Cut to Riley, shaking and looking ill. Riley: I don't know what's going on...who the bad guys are... Cut to Riley and Buffy fighting Adam. Riley is injured by it. Forrest picks him up. Forrest: Escort them out. Carries Riley off. Riley: Buffy... Buffy watches him being taken away. Screen fades to white. Faith and Buffy making a bed. Folding clean sheet. Buffy: They smell good don't they? Faith: What? Buffy: Clean sheets. Like summer. Faith: I wouldn't know. Buffy: Right. I forgot. Faith: I noticed. Buffy: I wish I could stay, but... Faith: Oh, you have to go. Buffy: That's just what... Faith: Little sis coming. I know. Buffy: So much to do before she gets here. They walk around to end of bed. Buffy: Now I really have to... Faith: So go. Don't let me keep. Blood drips from Faith onto bed. Fait: Damn. Just when we'd made it so nice. (They look at knife in Faith's gut) Are you ever gonna take this thing out? Lingering shot of knife. Buffy rips it out. Faith flinches. Cut to hospital monitors showing heart beat etc. Across to Faith lying in a bed. Still asleep. Lighting strikes. Credits begins. Xander's basement. Xander looking at blaster. Xander: So, here it is. The latest in state-of-the-art combat technology. I gotta say, it doesn't look that complicated. Buffy: So can you repair it? Xander: Sure. As soon as I get my master's degree in advanced starship technology. (Slams down blaster.) Willow: Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens. Giles: I'd like to veto that. Xander: Second. It's called a blaster, Will, a word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the Orgazmater, I'd be the first to try your basic button press approach. Buffy: Just tell me. Can you repair it or not? Xander: I'm working on it, I'm working on it. (Continues to work on it) I blow a whole in my mom's exterior patch then the neighbours will not be pleased. Buffy sits down with face in her hand. Giles: Are you alright? (Goes to sit next to her) You've been patrolling round the clock for three days straight now. I thought you could use some... Buffy: What? Some rest? There's a demonoid killing machine out there Giles, it doesn't only work the night shift. Giles: I was going to say perhaps you could use some backup, but um...now you mention it, building up your strength may not be a bad idea. Buffy: Just get the blaster working. That's all the strength I need. Willow: Are you sure? Buffy: Why? Because ray guns aren't in the Slayer handbook? Well, you haven't seen this Adam thing. He's the Terminator without the bashful charm. He's deadly, and the last time we met, he kicked my ass. Willow: Oh no, blast away, by all means. I only meant...no word about Riley? Comes and sits with Buffy. Buffy: They keep telling me that he's fine. That's all they'll say. Willow: Maybe they're telling the truth. Buffy: Maybe. I don't even know what the Initiative's version of "fine" is. I mean, they could be forcing him back onto medication or torturing him for all I know. Giles: From what we've seen, I doubt they'll be trying to hurt him. Buffy: The only thing I know for certain is that my boyfriend is locked away and I'm not helping. Lots of sparks come out of blaster. Xander recoils. Willow: Maybe Giles has a point. I mean, Riley is their top gun guy. Doesn't make sense that they'd hurt him. Buffy: All I know is that the Initiative has all those brain-washy, behaviour modification guys. Willow: So? Buffy: So what happens when they start not liking his behaviour? Cut to Initiative infirmary. Riley's hand reaches for piece of Buffy's bandana. Gets out of bed, grunts in pain. Pulls a shirt on. Starts to walk out of the room. Guard comes towards him. Riley: Stand down, soldier. (No response) Stand down before I put you down. Forrest comes over. Forrest: (To guard) You heard the man. At ease. Looks at Riley. Riley returns the look, then starts to walk away. Forrest: The shish kebab that walks like a man. Looks like you're feeling better. Walking around, threatening people and all that. Riley: He was in my way. I got places to be. Forrest: Really. And where were you thinking of going? Riley: You know where I'm going. Forrest: (Sighs) Don't even tell me you're headed to that girlfriend of yours. (Gets in Riley's way) Look at you. One good injury and you're back in intensive care to stay. Riley: You wouldn't understand. Forrest: How about you explain it to me then? Guard comes up behind them. Guard: We all friends here fellows? Forrest: Absolutely. Riley here was about to explain why he's leaving us so very quickly. Riley: I don't explain. Because I don't have to. I'm the one in charge. Forrest: Things change. Riley: Do they? Forrest: Hey! In case you failed to notice, we're in a world of hurt around here. Now's the time for us to band together, not go flying off our separate ways. Guard: Forrest has a point, Riley. Forrest: We have a problem, we deal with that problem. You know, the most important part of the equation now is that we keep said problem within the family. Riley: Family? Is that what we are? Step aside. Forrest stares him down. Cut to Faith's hospital bed. Slowly moving towards her from high above. Quick flash of sun above trees. Back to bed. Continue to move towards her. Then longer shot of trees, moving camera down the ground. Cut back to bed, now quite close to her. Further shot of trees, then goes black. Close up of her face in the bed. Faith (VO): Think it's gonna rain? Cut to Faith and Mayor having a picnic in the park. Mayor: Nonsense. It's a beautiful day. Now eat your sandwich. Faith: I dunno. It just always seems like it starts raining about now. Mayor: You're too young and too pretty a girl to start wearing worry lines on your face. (Picks worm off blanket) Hey there, little fella. I dunno where you belong, butit's not here with us. (Chuckles) There you go. (Puts the worm back in the soil. Talks to Faith again) Y'see, there's nothing gonna spoil our time together. Who wants cheese cake? (Chuckles) Faith looks down and smiles, then suddenly looks up behind the Mayor. Faith: NO! Buffy comes up behind the Mayor. Runs him through with Faith's knife. Buffy: (To Faith) I told you I had things to do. Faith looks terrified and crawls away. Cut to her lying in bed again. Zoom in further. Cut to Scooby Gang looking for Adam at night. Willow: Spread out. Buffy: Not too far. Xander: So not a problem. Buffy walks around a tree. Shines torch upwards and sees horribly mutilated body in the tree. Rest of group see it. Cut to basement. Buffy: I've never seen anything like that. Xander: And I can go a long healthy stretch without seeing anything like that again. Willow: It had to be Adam who killed it, but why? Buffy: He's studying biology. Human, demon, whoever he can get his hands on and take apart. Willow: He's finding out what makes things work. Xander: I really don't want to be around for the final exam. Buffy: It's not coming to that. The Initiative created this thing and they can't stop it. But we will. Xander: Question: Will hiding in a cavern with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan? Buffy: No. Xander sits next to Willow. Xander: (To Willow) Told you. Willow: What's first? Buffy: Riley. I'm not leaving him down there with the people that created this thing. I don't care how many guns they have, I'm going in. Okay. Will, I need you to hack into their security mainframe and buy me a ten minute shut down of operation systems. Willow: That could be... Buffy: Tricky. Not impossible. If you can't do it online, then use magic. Xander, any gear you've been saving for a rainy day, I want you to give to me. Xander: You want stealth stuff? Buffy: No, we tried sneaking in. This time, we're gonna use force. I figure I'll go in through the elevator shaft, use the cable as towlines. Then blast open the facility doors and find the infirmary. Riley: Am I really worth all that? Buffy: (Spins around) Riley! (Hugs him. He flinches) Oh God, I'm sorry! Did I hurt you? Riley: No, a giant skewer through the rib cage hurt me. That was just a reminder. Buffy: How did you get out? Riley: I walked. Willow: They didn't try to stop you? Riley: Oh, they did. Repeatedly. But then I told them they couldn't keep me without a major ass-kicking, one way or another. So here I am. Xander: That's...great...Riley, and y'know...there's no polite way to ask you this, but...uh...did they put a chip in your brain? (Looks at his head) Riley: Beg your pardon? Buffy: Forget it. We're just happy to have you back. Willow: Yeah, we were pretty worried about you for a while, mister. Riley: Me too. Hey, I know my behaviouir was pretty out there... Willow: Forget it. Tell you what, you two crazy kids take down a killer cyber demon hybrid thingy and we'll call it all even. Riley: Taking down Adam's gonna be tough. There's no way to predict what he'll throw at us. Buffy: You're here. Whatever comes, we can handle. Cut to dark street. Fait running down it looking very afraid. Buffy walking after her. Faith runs through a graveyard. Cut back to Faith asleep in hospital. Cutto graveyard. Noises all around Faith. Buffy getting closer wielding Faith's knife. Cut to Faith asleep, zoom closer to her face. Cut to Buffy still walking after Faith, then to her asleep, then to Faith running through the graveyard and falling into an open grave. Buffy comes up to it and looks down at her. Buffy falls away and the screen fades the black. Shot of the ground near the grave, then Faith claws her way out of the hole and looks up into the stormy sky. Cut back to hospital bed. Faith's eyes snap open. Fade to Commercial Break. Faith lying awake listening to hospital noises. Looks at monitors, then at tube in her hand. Lifts hand up and clenches it into a fight fist. Far shot of bed. Faith throws the covers aside, rips out the monitor cable and leaves. She is pulled back by tube in her hand. Faith: (Yanks it out) Owch. Faith walks down the corridor. Woman comes up to her. Woman: Excuse me. You know how to get to third floor west? Faith: What? Woman: I see...you need some help or something? Faith: Graduation. Woman: What? Faith: Graduation. I gotta get to Sunnydale High School graduation NOW. Woman: Well, you can't. I mean, Sunnydale High School isn't even there anymore. Faith: What day is it? Woman: Friday. Faith: What date? The date. Woman: February 25th. Faith: What year? Woman: Maybe I should get you a nurse... Faith: What happened to the school? Woman: Don't you just wanna... Faith: Just tell me. Woman: Well, it was a tragedy really. Lots of students died. The Principal, the Mayor. I really think maybe I should get you some help. Closeup of Faith's face. Cut to Faith walking outside the hospital wearing the woman's clothes. Buffy (VO): Y'know, I never stopped thinking about you. Cut to Buffy and Riley. Riley: Me neither. All I had in there was this one little part of you. (Gives her bandana piece) Buffy: It's just the scarf part of me really. Riley: Sure it is. Just knowing you were out there...that you cared...I think we're being watched. Buffy: I dunno. Does the Initiative do that? Riley: Maybe. Buffy: You seem a little...somewhere else. Is there anything I can do? Riley: Give me an order. That's what I do isn't it? Follow orders. Buffy: You don't have to. Riley: Don't I? All my life that's what I've been groomed to do. They say jump, I ask "How high?", I get the job done. Just don't know if it's the right job anymore. Buffy: I know how you feel. Giles used to be part of this Council. And for years all they ever did was give me orders. Riley: Ever obey them? Buffy: Sure. The ones I was going to do anyway. The point is, I quit the Council. And I was scared. But it's okay now. Riley: Now, see, that's where you and I are different. I just suck at the whole gray area thing. Buffy: It's a choice. Go back in there and make some changes from the inside. Or you can quit the team, fight demons in your own way. Riley: You make it sound so simple. I don't even know what my way is. Buffy: Well, it's time to find out. Riley: I'm a soldier. I got a way, which one of them? Buffy: Good man. (They kiss. She sits in his lap, kisses him again.) Riley: What're you doing? Buffy: I am looking for brain washy chips in your head. Riley: Heh...finding any? Buffy: Not sure. But I should probably keep looking just in case. You've been strong long enough, Riley Finn. I'm here for you. And we're gonna find this demon, and we're gonna kill it together. And in the mean time, you are gonna stop torturing yourself. Riley: Sure about that? Buffy: It's an order. (They kiss again) Cut to hospital. Doctor talking to nurse. Police officer watching. Doctor: What do you mean she just wasn't there? Nurse: I don't know. I came to check the monitors like I always do at eight o'clock. Eight o'clock is my shift, I got here on time. Officer: You found the bed in this condition? Nurse: Haven't touched a thing. Doctor: Get the duty rosters and check the log. I wanna know exactly what happened. Coma patients do not just get up and walk away. Nurse: We are checking every room on every floor. Officer: Walk me through this one more time. You knew this woman was wanted for questioning on a series of murders and there's no security on this wing? Doctor: You don't understand. There's no way that girl was gonna wake up. Officer: Doctor... Doctor: This can't be happening... Nurse2 comes in. Nurse: Did you find her? Nurse: Another woman, unconscious and badly beaten. And she's been stripped. Officer, Doctor and Nurse2 leave in a hurry. Nurse goes to phone, dials a number. Nurse: (Into phone) It's happened. Send the team. Cut to Faith walking through streets, gets to window of Giles' apartment. Giles: (From inside) The problem for me seems to be why Adam ahs stayed dormant as long as he has. Willow: When he's not making performance art out of other demons, that is. Riley: He's probably working off an autonomic power source. And because he's straight out of the box, he needs to charge up a while. Shot of Faith at window. Buffy: Okay, what's he charging up for? Xander: Based on the clues, I'll go with killing spree. Riley: And that's a best case scenario. I suppose a little fire power would be a good idea right now. (Activates blaster Xander had been messing with, much to Xander's amazement) Xander: Hey! How'd you do that? Is there like an On/Off button somewhere here? Riley: Blasters are easy. Adam won't be. Willow: Since Professor Walsh designed it, any chance she left instructions lying around somewhere? (As she says this, Buffy kisses Riley and Faith reacts) Buffy: Well, if she did, they're gonna be in the Initiative. (Faith continues to stare at Buffy and Riley) Giles: Which we can't get into without mounting a major offensive. Riley: Speak for yourself. (All look at him.) I'm just saying. Giles: I must admit, a man on the inside would be... Buffy: A really good idea. Are you sure you wanna be double agent guy. Riley: I'm not exactly sure what you'd call me, but I will share information. (Faith is still looking at Riley.) It's the least I can do. Xander: Riley's right. It is the least we can do. Phone rings. Giles answers it. Giles: Hello. What? Yes, she is. (Motions to Buffy) Um...it's for you. Buffy: (Looking surprised)Hello? (Faith watches her expectantly) What sort of emergency? (Looks unhappy) No, I haven't. (Faith leaves) Thank you, I'll let you know. (Puts phone down) Giles: What is it? Buffy: It's Faith. She's awake. (All look surprised) She beat someone up, took her clothing and disappeared out of the hospital. No-one knows where she is. Xander: I'd say this qualifies for a "Worst Timing Ever" award. Willow: What do we do? Giles: Well, we have to find her. Willow: What about Adam? Xander: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of persuing a homicidal lunatic. Buffy: Well, Faith's not exactly low-profile girl. I'll patrol and wait for her to make a move. Giles: But then what? Willow: Oooh! I have an idea! Beat the crap out of her! Xander: Good plan. Buffy: Good on paper. But we still have a decision to make. Do we hand her over to the cops? They wouldn't know what to do with a Slayer even if they knew we existed. Willow: What about the Council? Xander: Been there. Tried that. Not unlike smothering a forest fire with napalm as I recall. Giles: Well, the Initiative, they do have containment facilities. Xander: One word: Evil. Buffy: There's no way around it. Faith is back, and whether I like it or not, she's my responsibility. Willow: Yeah, too bad. That was out first coma ever. Buffy: We have no idea where she is. We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling... Xander: Who she's doing. Buffy: She could be terrified. Maybe she doesn't even remember. Or maybe she does and she's sorry and she's alone hiding somewhere. Giles: Well, perhaps there's some form of rehabiliatation we just haven't thought about. Willow: And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid plan B. Buffy: I'm not going to rule it out. First thing, we need to find her. Then we can take it from there. Riley: Who's Faith? Cut to University campus the next day. Buffy and Willow walking along. Willow: What did you tell him? Buffy: The truth? That she's my wacky identical cousin from England, and whenever she visits hi-jinks ensue? Willow: It's good you guys have such an honest relationship. Buffy: No, I told him the story. I vagued up a few bits, but no flat-out lies. Willow: That's fair. How'd you handle the Angel-y parts? Buffy: I did some editing. It's not that I'm trying to hide anything from Riley, it's just that's a longer conversation, and I had a Faith-hunt to do. Willow: Any luck? Buffy: Couldn't find her. Don't know exactly where to place that little up-continuum. Willow: At least you're not alone on this. I bet every cop in Sunnydale is out there looking for her right now. Buffy: Pressure's definitely on. I'm telling you, if I were her, I'd get outta Dodge post hasty. Faith turns from looking at the noticeboard. Faith: But you're not me. Fade to Break. Faith: So, check you out B. Nice, the big girl on campus thing's really working for you. Buffy: I've been looking for you. Faith: I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard did you look? Buffy: Are you alright? Faith: Five-by-five. It's that thing about a coma. Wake up all rested and rejuvinated. And ready for payback. Buffy: So much for pleasantries, huh? Faith: What did you think, I'd wake up and we'd go for tea? You tried to gut me, bonny. Buffy; You'd have done the same to me if you'd had the chance. Faith: Lets have another go at it. See who ends on top. Buffy: It doesn't have to be like this, y'know. Faith: Actually, I think it has to be exactly like this. Buffy: Faith, these are innocent people. Faith: No such animal. Buffy: I guess it was too much to hope that you'd use your downtime to reflect and grow. Faith: I could say the same about you. I mean, you're still the same better-than-thou Buffy. I mean, I knew it somehow. I kept having this dream, I'm not sure what it means, but in the dream the self-righteous blond chick stabs me, and you wanna know why? Shot of Willow taking her backpack off her shoulders. Buffy: You had it coming. Faith: That's one interpretation, but in my dream, she does it for a guy. Willow comes towards Faith from behind her, wielding the bag. Faith: (To Willow) Try it red, and you'll lose an arm. (Back to Buffy) I wake up to find the blond chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beefstick she meets. Not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, but she's forgotten about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars and a tunnel. But tell me, college girl, what does it mean? Buffy: To me? Mostly, that you still mouth off about things you don't understand. (Sirens) Uh-oh. I guess somebody knows you're here. Faith punches Buffy around the face. They fight as the Police approach. Willow attacks Faith from behind, she turns and is grabbed by Buffy. She breaks free. Faith: You took my life, B. Payback's a bitch. Willow: Look who's talking. Faith: See you around. Faith runs off, throws a police officer aside, runs over their car and runs over a field pushing people aside with Buffy in pursuit. Faith leaps over a wall. Buffy looks over it to find Faith has disappeared. Cut to a staircase at University. Willow and Tara going down them. Willow: Thanks for ocming with. Hunting for a psychopathic superbitch is definitely in the above and beyond category. Tara: It's okay, really. So, what do we do if we find her? Willow: Run, flee, maybe skedadlle. We're not here to engage. This is strictly recon. Tara smiles. Willow: What? Tara: You said "recon". You're like "Cool Monster Fighter"! Willow: Well, technically, Faith isn't a monster. And as far as fighting, I'd be lucky to bruise her fist with my face. Tara: Oh. Willow: What? Tara: Face-punching, I'm not so good with the whole..(Imitates throwing punches rather badly) Willow: Swimming? Tara: Violence. Willow: Don't worry, we're sure to spot Faith first. She's liek this cleavagy slut-bomb walking around "Ooh, check me out, I'm wicked-cool, I'm five-by-five." Tara: Five-by-five? Five what by five what? Willow: See, that's the thing. No-one knows. Buffy can handle Faith and you're plenty safe with me. Tara: So, um...we recon till nightfall? Willow: Then the ritual hiding begins. Cut to Xander and Giles in the streets looking for Faith. Xander: The point being I could be the target here. Faith finds Mr. Xander Harri still in town, she goes tighter than cat gut. Got a lotta pent up feelings there. I'm only saying. Giles: (Wearily) Yes, I'm sure. Xander: See, I can't be held responsible for the effect I have on women. Giles: No... Xander: See, Faith and I have this little thing between us called history... Rattling. They look around. Xander charges the blaster. They go towards the sound. Spike comes out of the darkness. Xander: Spike? Giles: What are you doing here? Spike: Me? Hey, I'm not the one out of place here. Xander: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue Slayer on our hands. Real psycho-killer too. Spike: Sounds serious. Giles: It is. What do you know? Spike: What do you need? Xander: Her. Dark hair. Yay (Indicates) tall, name of Faith, criminally insane. Giles: Have you seen her? Spike: Is this bird after you? Xander: In a bad way, yeah. Spike: Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where you are and then watch as she kills you. (Sees their looks of surprise and irriatation.) Can't any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening be dull. Xander: Go ahead. You wouldn't even recognise her. Spike: Dark hair, this tall (Indicates), anme of Faith, criminally insane. Like this girl already. Xander and Giles watch him leave. Xander: We're dumb. Cut to another new woman watching Police helicopters flying around. Pan around. Faith is walking around the streets. About to go into a shop selling blades. See a police car coming around the corner. She ducks into a corner. Some kind of monster comes up to her. Monster: Faith! Your friend sent me. I got a little rememberance from him. She beats the monster up and takes the case from him. Then another police car comes around the corner. She goes quickly up a ladder, dodging his searchlight. Once up the ladder she opens the case. Mayor: Hello Faith. If you're watching this tape, it can only mean one thing. I'm dead. And our noble campaign to bring order to the town of Sunnydale has failed. Utterly and completely. But on the other hand, heck, maybe we won. And right now, I'm on some jumbo monder in the Richard Wilkins surrounded by a bunch of kids sitting Indian style and looking up at my face filled with fear and wonder. (Laughs) "Hi kids!" (Faith smiles) But the realist in me tends to doubt it. Now, Faith, as I record this message you're sleeping. And the doctors tell me you might never wake up. I don't believe that. Sooner or later you will wake up, and when you do, you'll find the world has gone and changed on you. I wish I could make the world a better place for you to wake up in. But, tough as it is to accept, we both have to understand that even my power to protect and watch over you has it's limits. See, the hard pill to swallow is that once I'm gone, your days are just plain numbered. Now, I know, you're a smart and capable young woman in charge of her own life, but the problem, Faith, is that there won't be a place in the world for you anymore. By now I bet you're feeling very much alone. But you're never alone. You'll always have me. (Picks up box) And you'll always have this. Go ahead. Open the box. (Faith takes box from the case and looks at it.) Don't worry. It's not gonna bite. That's my job. (Laughs) Go ahead. Open it. (She does so) Surprise! You won't find these in any gumball machine! See, when you've been around as long as I have, you amke friends. And some of them forge neat little gizmos. Just like the one you're holding right now. (She looks at it) And here's the good news. Just because it's over for my Faith, doesn't mean she can't go out with a bang. (He looks down and laughs sadly. Faith looks sadly at the device.) Buffy (VO): She's a very dangerous woman. Cut to Buffy's dorm. Buffy and Riley talking. Riley: Okay, I get it. Faith bad. Do I look like I'm arguing? Buffy: Not yet. But you always make that innocent face right before you start. Riley: Figured it out, huh? Damn. It took my mom twelve years to catch that one. All I'm saying is, if you're in trouble, I wanna help. Buffy: You can't. Riley: Give me one reason why. She throws him a ball. He barely catches it and flinches in pain. Buffy: That's one. Riley: Alright, I'm not exactly action guy, but there's gotta be something I can do other than sit around waiting for you to pummel this gal. Buffy: Riley, the fact that you just called Faith a "gal" only proves that you don't know her. Riley: Never seen anyone get under your skin this way before. What exactly did she do to you? Buffy: It's a long story. Riley: I'm from Iowa. We drive four hours for our High School football game. Try me. Buffy: I told you, okay? She hurt me and people I care about. And did I mention the psycho killer part? Riley: There's something you're not telling me. Buffy: Riley, I have to go. She's out there. Riley: Alright. I'm just saying. I think you're holding out on me. Buffy: Riley, this isn't a joke. There's a criminally insane woman out there with super-powers who thinks I'm responsible for ruining her life. I know Faith. She'll come after me and she'll come after the people I love. Cut to Joyce Summers' house. Knock on the door. Joyce goes to answer it. It's Faith. Faith: Hi Joyce. She pushes Joyce down, comes in and shuts the door. Faith: Mind if I come in. Fade to Commercial Break. [SCENE_BREAK] Faith going through Joyce's makeup drawer. Faith: Ruby sunset...burgendy skyline...harlot. Mmmmmmm, way to go Joyce. Now, normally I wouldn't be going for something this dark. But I read in some magazine that eight months in a coma will damage a girl's natural skin tone. (Puts on lipstick) Good thing pale is in this year.n Or was it last year? (Finishes, kisses mirror.) Anyway, for real now. I wanna ask you something, and I want you to promise to be honest, and to not spare my feelings just because I could kill you. You promise? Joyce: I promise. Faith: OK. (Finishes with hair) How do I look? (Poses) Joyce: Psychotic. Faith: Mmmmmmm. I was shooting for sultry, but hey. Bet I know what you're thinking. Joyce: Really. Faith: You're thinking "You'll never get away with this!" Moi? Joyce: Actually I was thinking "My daughter is going to kill you soon." Faith: That a fact? Joyce: More like a bet. Faith: Whoa. You got a pair on you, Joyce, I like seeing that in a woman your age. Guess you can afford to talk that way. I mean, in the world according to Joyce, Buffy is gonna come crashing through that door any minute. But, look what I found. (Goes over and picks up some letters, comes over to Joyce. Reads adresses.) Buffy Summers, Buffy Summers, Buffy Summers, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. Lotta letters. She hasn't been by in a while, huh? And you'd think, with a crazy chick like me on the loose, crazy chick with a wicked grudge against her no less, she'd call, give you a heads up. But Buffy's too into her own deal to remember dear old mom. Joyce: You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me. Faith: Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter, you think you're a part of something and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving and you're stuck. It's like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and no-one even sees. Joyce: Were you planning to slit my throat any time soon? Faith: Don't tell me you don't see it Joyce. You've served you purpose, squirted out the kids, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead. Nobody cares, nobody remembers, especially not Buffy fabulous superhero. Sooner or later you're going to have to face it. She was over us a long time ago Joyce. Too busy climbing onto her new boytoy to give a single though to the people that matter. I mean, you're her mother, and she just leaves you hear to die. (Grabs knife) Buffy crashes in through the window and punches Faith. Buffy: Hi mom. Joyce: Hi honey. The fight continues. As the Slayers fall downstairs, Joyce calls 911. They roll down the stairs and clmaber to their feet. Faith: Thought I'd go after the queen marine didn't ya? He's a cutie. Looks like he could use a good roll in the sack. Buffy attacks Faith and knocks her down. Buffy: You're not his type. He's not big on sleaze. They fight and Faith gets Buffy against a wall by the neck. Faith: He's probably just never tried it. Buffy: Going for the boyfriend again? That's tired. Faith: Just something to remember me by once I've moved on. They fight and Faiht is thrown across the table. Buffy: Ever occur to you, Faith, that the reason we forgot you is because we wanted to? Faith smashes stuff and throws it at her. Cut to Giles entering his apartment. Finds some guy waiting for him. Guy: Hello Rupert. Giles looks shocked. Guy looks calm. Cut back to fight. Faith attacks Buffy, then hears the Police and tries to run. Buffy blocks her and punches her around. Faith opens the Mayor's device and blocks one of her punches with it. Small energy discharge. When it stops, both Buffy and Faith look shocked. Then Buffy punches Faith out. Joyce comes to her. Joyce: You okay? Buffy: All things considered. Joyce: (Sees Mayor's device) What is that? Buffy: Weapon of some kind. (Crushes it underfoot) Didn't work, whatever it was. Police come. Joyce: Oh, the Police. Buffy looks at Faith. Buffy: She's their problem now. Joyce: You sure you're okay? Buffy: Five-by-five. Lingering shot of Buffy's face. TO BE CONTINUED Originally aired: February 22, 2000 BTVS for whatever reason, to enjoy, as well as those who think transcripts are just cool, and as reference material for fanfic writers. Buffy and all copyrighted characters are the product of Joss Whedon and I have nothing but respect for him and those whose hard work is put into bringing us a great show. I did this of my own free time and will never make a dime from it. Now let me add. If you are looking at this transcript, save it, copy it, send it to your friends. Unlike other transcribers, who I have nothing but respect for, if you see any mistakes that might be in this transcript, feel free to correct them, or if you just want to personalize it to suit yourself, by all means. Hell I do it. Prologue: Fade to white. A white sheet descends and we see Buffy draping it over a bed. She is in her bedroom at home making her bed. Through the windows it looks like its late afternoon as sunlight shines into the room. Buffy: (smoothing the edges) They smell good, don't they? The camera pulls back and we see Faith on the other side of the bed, matching Buffy's movements. Faith: What? Buffy: (smiling) Clean sheets. Like summer. Faith: I wouldn't know. Buffy: (stops smiling) Right. I forgot. Faith: I noticed. Buffy: (hesitantly) I-I wish I could stay, but . . . Faith: Oh, you have to go. Buffy: It's just with . . . Faith: (knowingly) Little sis coming. I know. So much to do before she gets here. They've worked their way to the foot of the bed now and are beside each other. Buffy: (regretfully) Now I really have to-- Faith: So go. Don't let me keep-- She stops as she hears something. She looks down and sees that two drops of blood have hit the sheet, a dark red on the clean white. Two more drops quickly follow. Faith: (looks at Buffy) Damn. Just when we made it so nice. She straightens and looks down at her body as she faces Buffy. She lifts her eyes to meet Buffy's, whose expression has suddenly become stoic. Faith: (concerned) Are you ever gonna take this thing out? She indicates to her abdomen. Close up of Buffy's hand wrapped around the handle of Faith's large knife; the one Buffy had stabbed her with (*Graduation Day). We cannot see the blade because most of it is in Faith's stomach and blood is seeping from the wound. Buffy's face is emotionless as she gazes into Faith's eyes. A second later, she suddenly jerks the knife upwards. Horrified, Faith opens her mouth in a silent scream. Cut to a close up: the screen of a heart monitor. It is beeping steadily with the heartbeat it's monitoring. The camera pans to show us a drab, blue wall with the paint peeling showing plaster. The room is dimly lit. There is an IV stand next to the bed, the tube leading to the comatose patient lying there. Faith is in a room that obviously doesn't see much human presence. From a window we cannot see, lightning flashes outside and splashes across her face. Faith continues to sleep. Wolf's howl. Buffy theme and credits roll. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part One ~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in. Close up of an Initiative taser rifle. The top panel of the weapon is off and hanging to the side, trailing wires, as Xander examines the inside with a pair of pliers in his hand. Xander: So. Here it is. The latest in state-of-the-art combat technology. I gotta say it doesn't look that complicated. The camera pulls back and we're in Xander's basement. He has the weapon on the counter. Willow is standing next to him with tools in her hands should he need them. Buffy is standing behind them. Behind her, Giles is seated on the couch folding a basket of laundry on the coffee table. Buffy: So can you repair it? Xander: Sure. Just as soon as I get my masters degree in advance starship technology. Frustrated, he drops the pliers on the counter and lets the rifle fall on its side. Willow: Well, why don't we experiment? (eagerly) Press some buttons, see what happens. Giles: (folding a pair of boxers) Uh, I-I'd like to veto that. Xander: Second. It's called a blaster, Will. A word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now if it were called “the orgasminator” I'd be the first to try you basic button-press approach. Buffy: Just tell me, can you repair it or not. Xander: I'm working on it. I'm working on it. Buffy turns and walks towards the couch. Xander rights the rifle again and picks up a screwdriver. Xander: But if I blow a hole in my mom's azalea patch the neighbors will not be pleased. Buffy sits down on the couch and rests her head on the palm of her hand, tiredly. Giles: You all right? (he moves to sit closer to her) You've been patrolling around the clock for three days straight. Perhaps you can use some-- Buffy: (lifts her head) What? Some rest? There's a demonoid killing machine out there, Giles, that doesn't really work the night shift. Giles: I was going to say, perhaps you could use some back-up, but, um . . . now you mention it. Gathering your strength might not be a bad idea. Buffy: (to Xander) Just get the blaster working. That's all the strength I need. Willow: Are you sure? Buffy: Why, because rayguns aren't in the Slayer Handbook? Will, you haven't seen this Adam thing. H-he's the Terminator without the bashful charm. And he's deadly. And the last time we met he kicked my ass. Willow: Oh-- no! Blast away, by all means. I only meant . . . No word about Riley? (sits down in a chair next to the sofa) Buffy: (sits back, crossing her arms) They keep telling me that he's fine. That's all they'll say. Willow: Maybe they're telling the truth? Buffy: (worried) Maybe. I don't even know what the Initiative's version of fine is. They could be forcing him back onto medication and torturing him, for all I know. Giles: From what we've seen I doubt they'll be trying to hurt him. Buffy: The only thing I know for certain is that my boyfriend is locked away, and I'm not helping. Cut to Xander. His back is to us. He's leaning over the blaster when it suddenly lets out a big spark. He does a short electrocuted dance as he holds it in his hands and a puff a smoke is rising from the gun. Willow: (unaware of this) Maybe Giles has a point? I mean, Riley is their Top Gun guy. Doesn't make sense that they'd hurt him. Xander has let go of the blaster and turns to face the others with a wide-eyed “I just hurt myself” expression on his face. He's wavering on his feet, still feeling the effects of the shock, and sees nobody noticed what happened. Without a word he turns around and picks up the weapon again to continue working on it. Buffy: The Initiative has all those brainwashy behavior modification guys. Willow: So? Buffy: So what happens when they start not liking his behavior? Cut to Initiative: medical ward. Close up of Buffy's red scarf lying on a counter. Riley's reaches out to take it and closes his fist around it. His right hand is bandaged up. The camera pans and we see him lying on a bed. His abdomen is also heavily bandaged. He pushes himself to a sitting position, groaning and putting a hand against the wound in his side. After taking a couple of breaths he stands up, grabbing a shirt, and puts it on as he heads out. Cut to the door leading into the infirmary. There is a soldier standing guard. At Riley's approach he turns around a stands in front of the doorway. Riley: Stand down, soldier. Riley starts buttoning up his shirt and a second later realizes that the guard hasn't moved. Riley: (conversationally) Stand down before I put you down. The soldier still doesn't move and before we can find out what Riley would've done about that, Forrest walks up. Forrest: (to soldier) You heard the man. At ease. The soldier returns to his original position. With a glance at Forrest, Riley steps out of the doorway and starts walking down the corridor with a noticeable limp. He continues to button his shirt. Forrest falls into step with him. Forrest: The shish kebab that walks like a man. Looks like you're feeling better, walking around, threatening people, and all that. Riley: Man was in my way. I got places to be. Forrest: Really? And where were you thinking of going? Riley: You know where I'm going. Forrest: (exasperated sigh) Don't even tell me you're heading toward that girlfriend of yours. (steps out in front of him) Look at you. One good conjugal visit and you're back in intensive care to stay. Riley: You wouldn't understand. Forrest: (crossing his arms) How ‘bout you explain it to me, then? Graham walks up from behind Riley. Graham: We all friends here, fellas? Forrest: (looking at Riley) Absolutely. Riley here is about to explain why he's leaving us so very quickly. Riley: I don't explain. Because I don't have to. I'm the one in charge. Forrest: Things change. Riley: Do they? Forrest: Hey! In case you failed to notice, we're in a world of hurt around here. Now's the time for us to band together. Not go flying off our separate ways. Graham: Forrest has a point, Riley. Forrest: We have a problem, we deal with that problem. You know the most important part of the equation now is that we keep said problem within the family. Riley: Family? Is that what we are? (a beat) Step aside. Forrest doesn't look like he's about to do that, but unfortunately we have to-- Cut to Faith's room. An overhead closing shot of her lying in the bed. It alternates with another shot of a cloudy sky, as thunder cracks, threatening rain. The sun can be seen trying to shine through. Camera pans down to a tree line of a spacious park. Close up of Faith. Her pupils are moving under her closed eyelids. Faith: (VO) Do you think it's gonna rain? Cut to Faith, in the park, laying on a picnic blanket, barefoot. She is wearing a light blue shirt and a bright pink skirt. Mayor Richard Wilkins is laying on the other side of the blanket, eating a sandwich. Faith is just picking at the grapes on her own plate. Wilkins: Nonsense. It's a beautiful day. Now eat your sandwich. (wipes his mouth with a napkin) Faith: I don't know. It's just . . . it always seems like it starts raining right about now. (eats a grape) Wilkins: You're too young and too pretty a girl to start wearing worry lines on your face. He sits up as he sees something. Wilkins: Well, hey, hey hey. Picks up a small grass snake that was slithering across the blanket. Faith frowns as she sees it. Wilkins: Hey there, little fella. Heh. I don't know where you belong, but it's not here with us. (chuckles as he sets it down pointing towards the grass) There you go. (to Faith) You see? There's nothing that's gonna spoil our time together. Who wants cheesecake? (light laugh) Faith smiles as he turns to open the picnic basket. Horror suddenly fills her expression. Faith: NO! Buffy is suddenly standing in front of Wilkins. She's in black clothes and a long dark coat. She has Faith's knife in her hand and swings the blade down across his throat, and he gags. Before he can fall she thrusts the knife into his chest. She pulls it out and lets him fall and her emotionless gaze fixes on Faith. Buffy: I told you I had things to do. Faith is terrified and starts backing away. In a panic, she turns and flees on her hands and knees. Buffy is holding the blood-covered knife raised at the elbow and calmly stalks after her. Cut to the woods. Night time. Buffy, Willow, and Xander are on patrol, each carrying a flashlight. Willow: Spread out? Buffy: Not too far. Xander: So not a problem. Willow and Xander split from Buffy as they reach a clump of bushes. The camera pulls back as we track Buffy's progress. Behind her we see two trees and a pair of red legs, with clawed feet, tied to them. Willow and Xander's flashlights are visible on the other side of the trees. Buffy hears a crackling sound a turns. Her eyes widen as she looks up. Willow and Xander are already gaping at the sight of the crucified demon (looked like a Fyarl) suspended high between the two trees. Buffy shines her light on the body and sees the demon was eviscerated. It was sliced down the middle from its neck to lower abdomen, its flesh pulled open wide and also tied to the trees. We see that all the internal organs have been removed and the ribcage and spine are clearly visible.

Plan: A: Faith; Q: Who wakes up from an eight-month coma? A: Eliza Dushku; Q: Who played Faith? A: revenge; Q: What does Faith seek against Buffy? A: bodies; Q: What does Faith switch with Buffy? A: Richard Wilkins III; Q: Who left Faith the gift? A: Harry Groener; Q: Who played Richard Wilkins III? Summary: Faith ( Eliza Dushku ) wakes up from her eight-month coma and seeks revenge against Buffy. After failing to attack her, she switches bodies with Buffy using a gift left to her by Richard Wilkins III ( Harry Groener ), the now-dead mayor.

SAN MARCOS ORPHANAGE Scene begins with a flashback of the orphanage San Marcos (Buenos Aires, 1992). It is the middle of the night and a man is creeping thru the dark room. He approaches a young girl, clasps his hand over the mouth of the girl and shushes her. All of a sudden a flashlight shines and a little girl yells: YOUNG GIRL: (Most dialogs in this episode are in Spanish) Let her go! MAN: Get back in your bed! YOUNG GIRL: Let her go! The young girl with the flashlight runs to hit the man, he grabs her. Throws her onto her bed and slaps her around, she runs out of the room. He yells at the girl: MAN: You ever come back, I'll kill you. A woman enters the room. Sonya Braga as Head of the Orphanage. WOMAN: What's going on? She turns on the lights to see a man holding his eye. WOMAN: To my office now! NOW! Where is Nadia? What happened to Nadia? The girls all look at each other and then one walks up and says: CHILD: She left. Nadia saved me and she left. LOS ANGELES Scene starts with Nadia running down a road with a white fence. She brings in the mail to her and Syd's apartment NADIA: Hi SYD: Hey, (pause for a few seconds approaches her opening her mail) what's going on? NADIA: Nothing. SYD: When something is bothering me I go running. You've gone twice in less than 12 hours. NADIA: (phone rings) Hello, Hey Vaughn, yeah sure, she's right here. (Hands the phone to Syd.) SYD: Thanks (takes the phone, Nadia walks away) Hey, sure when do you wanna meet? VAUGHN: (flipping thru a notebook) it's definitely my father's handwriting. SYD: But these entries VAUGHN: I know SYD: I don't understand? VAUGHN: They're dated after his death. Now you know about as much as I do. You know, either he didn't die when the CIA says he did, which they may or may not know the truth about; or someone wants me to think he is still alive. SYD: You have nothing else but this? VAUGHN: I tracked down a guy Murdock, he's mentioned in there, he claims that he went on a mission with my father in 1982. He says my dad shot him in the back and left him for dead. He called my father a traitor. I don't know what to believe. SYD: (Putting her hand on his shoulder) What do we do? VAUGHN: Well there are names of classified missions in there. Now to get the details, I need access to all operational achieves. Now, I could put a request into Langley SYD: But if someone is orchestrating this from the inside, you don't want your name on an official request. I can do that. VAUGHN: Sure you don't mind? SYD: Vaughn. If your fathers alive we'll find him. And if he's not we will find the person who is doing this. Scene back to APO SLOANE: The Bella Russian Institute of Science has developed an ex-Geon optical component it's called Amplifying Glass. MARSHALL: Now what is amazing about this is, well if my math is correct, and it is. What they developed could boost a laser pulse by a factor of 10,000 maybe even higher. Meaning you could take a simple aluminum galler arsenide laser and...eh let me... oh, you know how a cd player has a laser that will allow you to...well you take that laser, you amplify it by this lense, you can shoot down a plane from the sky. Or you can take a tank and slice it in half or you can even have an SUV... WEISS: Right, we got it JACK: We've been tracking Intel which indicates that the Jakarta Faction wants the lense and they've employed this man to acquire it for them. SLOANE: His name is Cesar Martinez, he's an Argentine resident. Nadia looks visibly disturbed by seeing this picture and info. Scene changes to a flashback of Nadia as a teenager walking into a store with a bag. The flashback in all in Spanish. YOUNG NADIA: Hello, Coffee with milk, please OWNER OF STORE: Five pesos Young Nadia looks into her bag and Young Cesar Martinez walks into the store, opens a bag of chips in front of the store owner. OWNER OF STORE: You're gonna pay for those, no? YOUNG CESAR: (Throwing the bag of chips at the man) You wanna bet. (He runs out of the store with the owner chasing him) Young Nadia jumps the counter, opens the register and takes the money, puts it in her bag and hops back over the counter. The man comes back in and sees her trying to gather her bag. OWNER OF STORE: What are you doing? YOUNG NADIA: (pulling out a gun) Get back. Down. Now. On the floor. (Then she sprays him with the water gun laughing, turns and runs out of the store) Flashes back to APO meeting to Nadia looking uncomfortable SLOANE: A few days ago I tasked Nadia with working up a profile of him NADIA: Martinez is freelance, no loyalties. Excessive force, that's his M.O. He willed his reputation with the execution of a former Argentine Intelligence Officer, Roberto Fox. DIXON: Any idea when Martinez is planning to make his move? SLOANE: Signal intercepts indicate that he is developing a team. It should be three days a week at the most. JACK: The Institute of Science is dedicating a new Wing to its research facility tomorrow night. SLOANE: So our mission is to obtain the amplifying glass before Martinez does. Sydney your on point, Agents Vaughn, Weiss, and Santos will be there for support. This is a snatch and grab situation. Are there any questions? Everyone stays quiet. Flashback to Young Nadia running down the street around a corner starts to yell. YOUNG NADIA: Cesar, Cesar Cesar jumps out and grabs Yong Nadia and playfully backs her up against a wall and kisses her cheek. CESAR: Worried about me? YOUNG NADIA: Look. Look (while rustling thru her bag.) POLICE OFFICER: Garbage! Young Nadia takes her bag and starts to swing it at the officer, the officer backslaps Cesar to the ground then starts to beat Young Nadia up with his club - she's yelling Flashes back to APO where Nadia looks disturbed and gets up from the table. SYD: Hey (Looks at her like she's hiding something) NADIA: I knew him, Roberto, the man who had Martinez killed. SYD: If this mission is too difficult and too personal for you. Talk to your father and ask him to task someone else. NADIA: It's my job I can make it work. OPENING CREDITS Scene is in APO showing Vaughn looking thru his father's notebook highlighting information. MARSHALL: Hey, Mitchell learned a new word. VAUGHN: What was the word? MARSHALL: Oosh not, its Mitchell's baby speak for beta particle. Anyway, here Sydney wanted me to give you these. Access code for the operational achieves. She wanted me to give them to you to give to her. VAUGHN: Thanks. MARSHALL: Ok (just stands there with a smile on his face) VAUGHN: Anything else? MARSHALL: What's a, what's going on (pointing at the paper he just gave to Vaughn) VAUGHN: Nothing MARSHALL: (nods his head in disbelief) you're lying to me right? Come on Come on, I'm smarter than you think. VAUGHN: Ill tell you later. MARSHALL: You don't trust me do you? VAUGHN: Marshall, MARSHALL: No my fault, eh, probably get that just like high school, jr high, elementary VAUGHN: Marshall, We should have lunch sometime. MARSHALL: Really? Yeah, aw man, anytime, absolutely. I'm there. Did, today? VAUGHN: No. MARSHALL: No. that's cool. I got a lot of stuff to do in the a ... Thanks. VAUGHN: You got it. MARSHALL: Ya Ill see ya, Lunch (Walks out raising his arm) Saying what's up buddy to someone walking in the office) MINSK Scene shows a crowded party. SYD: Outrigger, How are we doing? DIXON: (Takes a picture of a couple) 10 seconds Phoenix. The architect just arrived. (Uses a thermal camera and looks in the architects jacket) He has PDA is in his jacket. MARSHALL: Ok great, Phoenix, you'll have to get right up next to him, cozy like. SYD: (Grabs champagne off a tray) MARSHALL: The architect is a security freak, always carries copies of his project files on him. Blueprints, schedules even sketches, so it should show us which lab the glass is in. JACK: What is she using to clone his PDA? MARSHALL: It's in her purse. It's a low frequency wi-fi scans and clones. The thing is its working radius is only a couple of feet. She needs to get right up...oh, here it comes. Great. Syd, oh I'm sorry, Phoenix, it's what I was afraid of, it's encrypted. The PDA is protected with handwriting recognition software, so time to turn on the charm. SYD: (walks over to the architect) This building is even more elegant that the library you designed in Amsterdam. ARCHETECT: Thank you SYD: This is embarrassing... but if you don't mind, may I have your autograph? ARCHETECT: How can I resist? MARSHALL: It's the look, the feel, the bend of paper but actually it's a microscopic layer of non conductive polymer, and it's sandwiched... JACK: Marshall, not the time. MARSHALL: Vaughn asked me to lunch. (Tilts his head at Jack like "how about that")(Continues to work on the signature encryption) Ok, signature, plus a password, plus a little Finkman secret sauce. And, Nice. Bow before me and weep encryption gods. ARCHETECT: Perhaps you'd like a private tour. SYD: That'll be fun. Just you, me and your wife. MARSHALL: ok blueprints and security protocols for the research facility. Got the location of the glass. JACK: Evergreen, we are going to need that access key. You're a go. NADIA: Anyone have visual on the scientist. WEISS: He's holding fort due east. Nadia walks up to the scientist and spills champagne all over him. NADIA: What did I do? Please let me... (Puts the card in her purse walking away from the man) That was easy. Scene flashes back to a jail cell and Young Nadia is in the corner crying. Roberto comes to her aid in the cell yelling out to the guards. ROBERTO: Call a doctor. Now. (Nadia tries to gather herself from crying) ROBERTO: What is your name? (Young Nadia refuses to speak) ROBERTO: May name is Roberto Fox. Ever heard of me? (Young Nadia shakes her head no) No? Of course not. You are famous. Did you know that? We don't have your name. Just your resume. Shoplifting, burglary, breaking and entering, assault..... -there are over 130 crimes here. And the only thing that links them all together is this. (points to fingerprints in her file) (Nadia looks over and stays quite) 130. What an incredible amount. And your what? Seventeen? Eighteen? You left fingerprints at all those places, but you weren't in the system. You didn't exist. Until now. Some people think your luck finally ran out. But I don't believe anyone could succeed that long on just luck. No, No, No, It takes talent. I don't know if anyone's ever said this to you but... you're special. Yes. That's why I'm here. I believe we can take that talent and use it to help you. To help your country. I work for the government. I'm here to offer you a life you could never imagine. (She looks at him in curiosity) Flash back to the party Weiss walking. SYD: Ok Merlin, Showtime. MARSHALL: The lab it's on the fifteenth floor, east corridor. NADIA: (Sees Martinez and goes into a flashback of her as Yong Nadia) I thought I'd never see you again. CARETAKER Sonja Braga) Nadia, why didn't you call me sooner? YOUNG NADIA: After what happened. I'd thought you'd be furious. CARETAKER: Furious? I looked for you everywhere. YOUNG NADIA: I'm so sorry I ran away. CARETAKER: I'm the one who's sorry. I should have protected you. It was my duty to protect you. YOUNG NADIA: A man came to see me. From the government. He offered me a job. A way out of here. CARETAKER: That's wonderful... this isn't where you're meant to be. I believe people come into our lives for a reason. If this man's offering you a chance for a fresh start... good. (They smile at each other and it flashes back to the party... Nadia looking in shock) NADIA: Martinez is here. Cesar Martinez is in the building. Anyone see his backup? DIXON: Sit tight Evergreen, this may be recon on his part. NADIA: If this was recon we wouldn't know he was here. He's making his play. SYD: How do you know? NADIA: Trust me. We need to grab him. WEISS: Phoenix is almost inside. NADIA: You don't understand. (Syd gets into the lab at the same time at the party machine guns fire in the air.) DIXON: Phoenix abort six hustlers on the loose with force SYD: I can make it. (Scene shows militant men screaming at people to get down get on the ground and not move. Martinez walks out of the crowd with gun in hand and proceeds to the lab. Syd is in the lab trying to break into the safe with the crystal. Gun fires at the lab door from the outside and Martinez with two men barge into the lab and Syd is standing there with the crystal in her hand. He walks towards her and she walks toward him. He pulls his weapon and points it to her face and sticks his hand out. She drops the crystal into his hand.) MARTINEZ: Who do you work for? SYD: You forgot to say the magic word. MARTINEZ: (nods his head and then pistol whips Syd in the head) SYD: Now your gonna have to say pretty please. MARTINEZ: Last chance. Who do you work for? NADIA: (comes from behind Martinez) She works with me. MARTINEZ: (Looks at Syd and Nadia several times) Nadia? NADIA: Put the guns down, Cesar. So we can talk. MARTINEZ: (Walks over to Nadia and whispers something in her ear) Tie them up. (While Nadia is getting her hands tied behind her back Syd is looking at her wicked with betrayal in her eyes) BACK TO APO SYD: He had his men secure us in the lab. By the time we escaped - he was gone. SLOANE: When I asked you to do research on Cesar Martinez, why didn't you inform me the two of you knew each other. NADIA: He was not supposed to be there. I didn't know we'd make contact. SLAONE: You knowingly withheld Intel that would have altered options during the operation. I've suspended agents from field duty for less than that, Nadia. SYD: Her knowing Martinez was the only thing that saved my life. MARTINEZ: This story Nadia, what is it? NADIA: We met when I was young. After the orphanage, I was on my own and Cesar was one of the boys I ran around with. We got in trouble with the police. We went our separate ways. SLOANE: Why do I feel there's more? NADIA: If you want me to sit at a desk after this, fine. But it is personal now. Please let me get the glass back from Cesar. I know how to contact him, I can do it. SYD: She had a relationship with him, she can use him. You of all people should appreciate that. SLOANE: Reach out to Martinez; he's acquiring this for someone else. Find out if we can buy it for ourselves. Sydney, you and Weiss will be back up on this. Let me be clear Nadia. I expect full disclosure from you. Nadia nods and the scene flashes back to a training room in Argentina. Roberto teaching a class. ROBERTO: From hydrogen to electric to the simple devices you're constructing, the principles of bomb making are the same. In the words of Albert Einstein - MALE STUDENT - Don't blow yourself up. ROBERTO: (Laughs) "Everything should be made as simple as possible ...but not one bit simpler." (A beep goes off at the Male Students work station) Sorry, Diego. You're dead. (Walks over to Nadia's works station) The lead should've been coupled with the auxiliary. YOUNG NADIA: That's the most obvious choice. ROBERTO: You've cut yourself off from the power source. YOUNG NADIA: If I connect the two. I'd trigger the ignition. Had I done what you are suggesting ... I'd be in heaven playing a harp with Diego. (Smiles at Diego. Suddenly Cesar Martinez walks thru the door. Young Nadia smiles and he smiles back when they see each other) ROBERTO: Mr. Martinez, please take a seat so I can bring you up to date. Back in APO Nadia opens her lap top. Syd approaches her. SYD: Withholding information from Sloane I can accept, I don't care much really, but from me. You and I are in the field together. I need to know there is a level of trust. NADIA: What do you want to know? SYD: What did Martinez whisper to you? NADIA: I told you. He said call me. Sydney that's it. SYD: You're telling me there's nothing else? NADIA: For the last time, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Cesar. But there's nothing else you need to know. (Sydney looks at Nadia hard, they look at each other then Syd walks away.) Flashback to training martial arts with long sticks in pairs in a large lot. Cesar and Young Nadia are sparring. MARTINEZ: I'm stronger than you. YOUNG NADIA: I'm faster. MARTINEZ: I'm bigger YOUNG NADIA: I'm smarter. MARTINEZ: I'm prettier. ( he knocks her down on the ground) Give me a kiss ... and I'll let you go. ROBERTO: What the hell are you doing? Huh? What was that? (Grabbing Martinez by the top with force.) MARTINEZ: Doing what you said. Beating my opponent. ROBERTO: In this line of work, you can't afford to split your focus. You have to be professional. It will save your life. Understand? MARTINEZ: Yes. (Roberto lets go of his shirt and backs off) Flashes back to APO. Vaughn and Sydney are at his laptop SYD: How's it going? VAUGHN: Well, I cross-checked my fathers list against the CIA Achieves and there are still missions that I can't verify even existed. Am I insane to think that this old journal is gonna help me find my father? (Syd grabs a small notebook from Vaughn's desk) SYD: These the ones you cant find? VAUGHN: Yeah SYD: Hand me the pen. What if these aren't operation names? VAUGHN: What are you doing? SYD: Substitution psypher VAUGHN: Ok, how'd you see that? SYD: My father used to encrypt my crossword puzzles when I was a kid. The least of my childhood dysfunctions. (Vaughn smiles at her talent) Try that. VAUGHN: When's your plane leave? SYD: Half an hour, I wish I could stay. VAUGHN: Well, I'll take it from here. (Syd gets up and kisses Vaughn, pats him on the shoulder and leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] BUENOS AIRES Nadia is in an open seating area reading a magazine. Weiss and Sydney are hiding out watching her back as she sits in an open market type area. MARTINEZ: Nadia? (Nadia turns around to see Martinez behind her)Hola. NADIA: Hola, I wasn't sure you still read El Diario MARTINEZ: I check all of our old protocols. NADIA: Really? MARTINEZ: I do? Everyday. Just in case. NADIA: In case of what? MARTINEZ: in case your ever in trouble. And you are in trouble, aren't you? NADIA: Because of you. MARTINEZ: Ah, you can't blame me ... for Belarus. NADIA: My team had the glass. You stole it from me, Cesar. MARTINEZ: You did your job, I did mine. Maybe next time it will go your way. NADIA: there's not going to be a next time. Not with these people. Do you understand? MARTINEZ: Nadia, no one knows you as well as I do. What we've been through. You're afraid. You need help. Let me help you. NADIA: You really want to help? MARTINEZ: Of course. NADIA: I have to deliver the amplifying glass to my employers before tomorrow night. If not ... I have to do it. MARTINEZ: Then the amplifying glass is yours. NADIA: Just like that? MARTINEZ: Just like that. I'm sure I can make my buyer understand. You'll have to pay for it of course. NADIA: Of course. Sure. MARTINEZ: I'll take you where it is. Once I know we're alone. NADIA: I don't understand. MARTINEZ: Let me guess. You have a tracking device in your purse? We learned the same tricks. You didn't come here without backup. SYD: Evergreen, you can not proceed without coms... NADIA: But the purse, Cesar? Please. That's for beginners. (She takes the hair clip out of her hair and gives it to Martinez) SYD: Evergreen abort this mission now! MARTINEZ: (Laughs) Nadia. The amplifying glass is locked up in my office. It's this way. (He stands up and smashes the barrette under his boot. Nadia gets up and follows him) SYD: What the hell is she doing? (Syd and Weiss get out of a van. Nadia looks back to see if they see her) TO BLACK Vaughn is sitting at his desk. He figures types in a password and checks his list and says out loud. VAUGHN: Portugal CUT SCENE BACK TO BUENOS AIRES WITH NADIA AND MARTINEZ MARTINEZ: Do you ever wonder what it would have been like? If things had been ... different. (They continue walking thru the plaza and Weiss and Syd following behind.) NADIA: What? MARTINEZ: It's funny. All those years that we stole things together, drove us apart. Now - WEISS: Alright I'll go this way (splits off from Syd) SYD: ok NADIA: I'll never be able to thank you enough for what you are doing. But I can't stay here. I can't. MARTINEZ: Look at you, still minding Roberto's rules. NADIA: It's always served me well, not mixing business with pleasure. (They get to an area where a lot of worker are moving stuff around and slip thru to another area and the gate closes behind them.) MARTINEZ: This way. (They get into a van that is parked outside) Syd is looking all around and get to the area where the door closed behind them. It looks like it has been that way all day because there are pallets full of stuff in front of the door. She turns back sees Weiss. WEISS: Syd, Anything? (Syd shakes her head no) Ah come on. Scene shows the van Nadia and Martinez got in speeding down a main road. MARTINEZ: Almost there. You ever think about him? About Roberto? NADIA: Everyday. If it weren't for him. I don't know who I'd be. Scene changes to a flashback of Nadia entering a room in a black dress about to go on a mission. Approaches Roberto in his office. She is smiling at Roberto and he smiles back adoringly and walks up to her. ROBERTO: Diego's expecting you in three hours. YOUNG NADIA: (nods her head) First floor. Service corridor. If Diego has the disk, the lamp will have a knot in it. ROBERTO: You'll have at most a thirty second window to make the delivery. It's imperative you're not spotted together. YOUNG NADIA: We won't take any risks, I promise. Anything else? ROBERTO: (motions to Young Nadia to wait and goes over to his desk and grabs a necklace.) A graduation present. (Nadia turns so he will put it on.) YOUNG NADIA: How does it look? ROBERTO: Beautiful. (He leans forward and kisses her, and then they embrace. Scene changes to the mission she was scheduled to go to) NADIA: (Walking into a lounge and checks to see if the lamp has a knot in it and it does. She continues to walk passes two men who look like bodyguards. She stands still and looks in their direction. One of the men notices her. She walks away briskly and the man looks at the other man and get up from the bar. She runs into a back room, the men following her. One man goes into the door she went into and can't find her. She is hiding and comes out when he leaves. She gets to the place where she is supposed to me Diego and the door is locked, she knocks) YONG NADIA: Diego? (She knocks again and no answer she then breaks in the door. She sees Diego shot in the chest propped up against the wall on the floor.) Oh my god. DIEGO: The disk. YOUNG NADIA: Did they get it? DIEGO: They didn't find it. (He hands her the disk) YOUNG NADIA: I need to call Roberto. DIEGO: No! What Roberto had me steal... they're intelligence documents. YOUNG NADIA: You're not making sense. We're intelligence. DIEGO: No. That's what ... he wants us to believe. YOUNG NADIA: That can't be. DIEGO: Nadia, Roberto is corrupt. YOUNG NADIA: That's not true. DIEGO: He plays both sides. He' a criminal. YOUNG NADIA: It's not possible. DEIGO: He used us. The disk - YOUNG NADIA: It can't be true. Diego, please. Diego, Diego, Diego (crying) CUT TO BLACK Flashes back to Nadia with Martinez walking into a building. NADIA: You still come here? MARTINEZ: I never left. I bought it after Roberto was killed. It was very cheap. (They walk into the place where why were taught to be agents.) My best memories are here. Training, learning - with you. And of course, Roberto. This is where my life began. NADIA: It's sad isn't it? That it's outlived its usefulness. Can we get what we came for? MARTINEZ: Sure. SYD: We lost them here at Plaza del Camino. WEISS: Yeah, Martinez said he was taking her to his office to make the exchange. Its gotta be close. SLOANE: Since learning of Nadia's history with Martinez, I did some digging. Martinez owns several pieces of property including Roberto Fox's training facility. MARTINEZ: You remember Roberto's office don't you? NADIA: Of course. MARTINEZ: You said Roberto made you who you are today. I feel the same. With one difference. It's his death that made me. NADIA: Killing a high level agent certainly gave you a reputation. MARTINEZ: One dead body and my name meant something. I was suddenly someone to be feared. The thing is... I didn't kill him. Roberto had so many enemies. He could have been killed by anyone. I always wondered... If it was you. Your work. The look on your face, Nadia. Confirms it. Flashes back to Nadia returning from the mission she was on for the disk with Diego. She approaches Roberto in his office. ROBERTO: What happened? NADIA: Diego's dead. I just read the disk. (Throwing it at him) How could you do this? ROBERTO: Nadia NADIA: (Puts her head down and upon looking up shoots Roberto 5 times back into his desk chair.) (Flashes back to the present with Martinez) Everything he told us was a lie, Cesar. He said we were working for the good of our country. MARTINEZ: Do you remember what our lives were like before him? We were sleeping on the streets. NADIA: Roberto was an assassin. A criminal. He made us traitors. Don't you understand? MARTINEZ: Who gives a damn? It's not important. If it weren't for him... we'd be rotting in that prison or dead. He saved us. And you killed him. NADIA: And I'd do it again. (Martinez points the gun to Nadia's forehead and shoots. She is able to hit it away from her face. They struggle and she starts throwing things. The fight until Martinez gets Nadia on the ground and starts choking her. The van that Syd and Weiss were in drives up to the Training Facility. Meanwhile Nadia gets Martinez off of her and takes his gun and has him staring down the barrel of the gun. Syd and Weiss finally get into the building.) WEISS: Nadia. Nadia, alright? NADIA: I'm fine. There's a safe inside, the amplifying glass should be there. WEISS: Alright. (Takes Martinez into custody) Nadia looking at Syd sadly, both come together for a hug. Nadia almost in tears. LISBON Vaughn walks into a garden patio type setting. Approaches a house with a red door, looks around before knocking. Nadia's caretaker answers the door. CARETAKER: The Mail? No. (Scene changes to Vaughn and the Caretaker sitting at the garden patio) The first and only time I met your father he was covered in blood with a baby in his arms. VAUGHN: Nadia. CARETAKER: He brought her to the orphanage in Buenos Aires. He said she was in danger. He'd been shot in the shoulder. I knew not to ask too many questions. You father, he stayed a few days, until he was well enough to travel. One morning I woke up and he was gone. VAUGHN: I don't understand. If he knew you in Buenos Aires, why would he encode this address in Lisbon in his journal? CARETAKER: I don't know? Oh, you thought he might be here. I am sorry. I wish I knew more. VAUGHN: Can you remember anything, something he said maybe a detail? CARETAKER: Nightingale. VAUGHN: Nightingale? CARETAKER: He was on the phone and something in his voice, it was important to him. May I ask you a question? VAUGHN: Sure. CARETAKER: Nadia, How is she? VAUGHN: She's good. (The Caretaker fakes a smile and then puts her head down and looks up at Vaughn)

Plan: A: Nadia; Q: Who does the headmistress ask about? A: her recruiter's treacherous background; Q: What is revealed about Nadia's recruitment? A: Argentina; Q: Where is the orphanage located? A: "Nightingale; Q: What word did Vaughn's father say? Summary: Nadia's orphan past, her recruitment and her recruiter's treacherous background are revealed. In a search for his father, Vaughn meets up with none other than the headmistress of Nadia's orphanage in Argentina. Vaughn asks her if she remembers anything out of the ordinary when his father stayed at the orphanage, which she replied she said she heard him say something about "Nightingale". She asks about Nadia, also.

Scene: Bernadette's apartment. Bernadette: And the next wedding gift is a gravy boat. Penny: Ooh, one gravy boat. Amy: That's from Sheldon. He told me he had it engraved. Bernadette: In the event of a divorce, please return to Sheldon Cooper. Penny: One inappropriate, yet I wish I thought of that gravy boat. Amy: When I get married I'm going to register at the UCLA Cadaver Lab. Penny: Ew, why? Amy: 'Cause I've always wanted a whole human skeleton and they are really spendy. Bernadette: So, you actually see you and Sheldon getting married someday? Amy: Not just someday. In exactly four years. But don't tell Sheldon. He's still a flight risk. Bernadette: What about you, Penny? Penny: What about me what? Bernadette: Do you think you and Leonard might ever get married? Penny: Oh, well, you know, Leonard is great. Bernadette: But do you think you'll ever get married? Penny: He's a sweetie. Amy: You're not answering the question. Do you love him? Penny: Yeah, sure, of course I love him. Bernadette: It doesn't sound like it. Penny: Well, I do. Bernadette: Do you tell him that? Penny: No, he'd just take it the wrong way. Amy: What does that mean? Penny: It means he is special and smart and nice and... Bernadette: Are you gonna break up with him? Penny: No. Maybe. I don't know. Bernadette: I had no idea you were unhappy. Penny: That's the thing, I'm not. I'm not unhappy at all. It's just, I don't know, I, I've been in love before, but it felt different. But maybe this is a new, better, boring kind of love. Do you ever feel that way about Howard? Bernadette: Oh, that's not really a fair comparison. I'm basically married to a sexy Buzz Lightyear. Penny: Amy, you? Amy: Can't help ya, kid. Whenever I'm around Sheldon, I feel like my loins are on fire. In the good way. Not the urinary tract infection way. Credits sequence. Scene: Cutting between the International Space Station and the apartment (the guys are on webcam). Raj (voice off): Hey, buddy, how's it going up there? Howard: You don't have to shout, Raj. It's not like I'm an astronaut floating around in outer space. Oh, wait, I am. Leonard: So, is it everything you hoped it would be? Howard: It's better. I wake up every morning and I just can't believe I'm on this incredible adventure. Dimitri: Hey, Froot Loops, did you clean the space toilet? Howard: Excuse me. I'm talking to my friends. Mike: You know the rules, new guy scrubs the toilet. Dimitri: If you do good job, next time we give you brush. Howard: Funny. We're always giving each other a hard time up here. It's kind of like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings. Sheldon: Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him. Leonard: Go ahead. Sheldon: 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise) Howard: Yes, I read you, Sheldon. Sheldon: Copy that. Over. (Static noise) Leonard: What are you doing? Sheldon: I am talking to a man in space. If you don't have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street. Howard: You're out of your mind,Sheldon. Sheldon: That's a negative. My mother had me tested. Over. (Static noise) Mike: Come on, scrub it up, Loops. Howard: All right, all right. I gotta go. There's a meteor shower. Mike: You want to see a meteor shower? Take a look at what Dimitri just left you in the toilet. Howard: Bye. Sheldon: Over and out. (Static noise) Raj: Bye, buddy! Stuart (knocking and entering): Hello. Raj: Hey, Stuart, come on in. Sheldon: What are you doing here? Stuart: Um, Raj invited me to go to the movies with you guys. Sheldon: Excuse me. I didn't authorize this. Leonard: Sheldon, you are not in charge. Sheldon: That's mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner. Raj: What's the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn't want to sit by myself. Sheldon: The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we're going to be a faceless mass of six. Leonard: It'll be fine. Just, uh, pretend he's Wolowitz. Sheldon: Hmm. Do you like Raisinets? Stuart: I can take them or leave them. Sheldon: At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets. Stuart: Would you feel more comfortable if I ate Raisinets? Sheldon: Well, it's hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn't crunch during the film and it's Raisinets. Stuart: Okay. Should we go? Sheldon: Yuh-uh, one more question, if you're going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you. Stuart: All right. Sheldon: Wolowitz went to MIT. What's your educational background? Stuart: I went to art school. Sheldon: Equally ridiculous. Let's go. Scene: The cinema. Sheldon: This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous. Amy: Well, I like it. Sheldon: Yeah, of course you do. You're a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things. Amy: Just watch the movie. Sheldon: It's not fair. Penny isn't making Leonard hold hands. Amy: There might be a reason for that. Sheldon: Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick. Amy: Penny said she's not sure she wants to be Leonard's girlfriend anymore. Sheldon: Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper. Amy: So? Sheldon: So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches' brew of his soda and spit? Amy: It's complicated. Sheldon: String theory is complicated. That's just yucky. Don't get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let's say that's true. Why doesn't Penny just end the relationship? Amy: She's not sure how she feels. Sheldon: How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They're fish with a sword for a nose. Amy: Regardless, don't say anything to Leonard. Sheldon: Now you're asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate? Amy: Yes, please, Penny will kill me. Sheldon: Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it's another fish with a tool on its head. Stuart: Raisinet? Sheldon: Shh, we're trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making a sucking noise with his teeth. Leonard: What are you doing? Sheldon: I think I might have tartar buildup. My tongue won't go as far forward as it used to. Leonard: Maybe your tongue is shrinking. Sheldon (measures): Nope. Oh, you have no idea how annoying this is. Leonard: I'm starting to get a sense of it. Don't worry. I'll take you to the dentist tomorrow. Sheldon: Thank you. I appreciate that. You're good people, Leonard. There's something I need to tell you. Leonard: Okay. Sheldon: I can't tell you. Leonard: Why? Sheldon: I can't tell you why I can't tell you. So I guess there's two things I can't tell you. Leonard: I wish there were more. Sheldon: Good night. I'm sorry. This is really important. Leonard: What is it? Sheldon: I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers? Leonard: Where exactly did your mother have you tested? Sheldon: Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I'm going to pause to let that sink in. Leonard: Okay, I think I understand. Sheldon: You do? Leonard: The guy who seems like an emotionless robot is you, but your relationship with Amy is causing you to transform into a red-blooded man with sexual desires. Sheldon: That is literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Scene: Leonard's room. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Leonard: What? Sheldon: Are you sleeping? Leonard: I was. Now I'm having a nightmare. What do you want? Sheldon: Never mind. I still can't tell you. Scene: Penny's bedroom. Sheldon is standing over Penny's bed, knocking on the wall. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams) Penny: Oh, my God. Sheldon? Sheldon: You frightened me. Penny: What are you doing in my bedroom? Sheldon: Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it. Penny: How did you even get in, you weirdo? Sheldon: Yeah, really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it's weird? Penny: What do you want, Sheldon? Sheldon: Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you're up, we could talk. Penny: Talk about what? Sheldon: Oh, I don't know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice. Penny: Sheldon. Sheldon: Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba. Penny: Okay, go home, crazy man. Sheldon: Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today's North Korea, he's downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper. Penny: Okay, what did Amy tell you? Sheldon: Oh, very well. I can't keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard. Penny: Okay, you listen to me. I think it's really sweet you're trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it? Sheldon: Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I'm a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is? Penny: Of course not. Sheldon: Homeostasis refers to a system's ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH. Penny: Worst bedtime story ever. Sheldon: My point is I don't like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we're on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I'm not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple. Penny: Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand? Sheldon: I do. You clear on the shampoo issue? Penny: Get out. Sheldon: Penny? Penny: What? Sheldon: Please don't hurt my friend. Penny: That is the last thing I want to do. Sheldon: Thank you. Coconut? What were you thinking? Are you a hula girl? Penny: Get out. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Amy's bedroom. Phone rings. Amy: Hello? Penny: What the hell is wrong with you? You told Sheldon? Do you know what a terrible position this puts me in? (Phone beeps) Amy: Hang on, please. Hello? Sheldon: Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She's pretty mad. Amy: I know. She's yelling at me right now. Sheldon: All right then, so we're all on the same page. Yes. Scene: Cutting between the International Space Station and the Bernadette's apartment. Howard: Hey, Bernie. Bernadette: There's my hubby. How's everything going up there? Howard: Oh, it's okay. Space is beautiful. Earth is beautiful. Same old, same old. Bernadette: What's wrong? Howard: Nothing. Everything's fine. Bernadette: Howard. Howard: The other astronauts are being mean to me. Bernadette: No, what are they doing? Howard: Well, like for instance, the other day when I was asleep, one of the guys went on a space walk and glued a big-eyed rubber alien mask to the outside of my window. When I woke up, I screamed for like nine minutes. Bernadette: Oh, Howie. Howard: You can see it if you want. It's on YouTube. Google astronaut screams for nine minutes. Bernadette: Why don't you stand up to them? Howard: What am I supposed to say? Bernadette: I don't know. Say, being mean is lame, what's cool is being nice. Howard: Great, I'll do that when I want to be the first guy in space to get a wedgie. Bernadette: Do you want me to call somebody at NASA? Howard: No. My mom already tried that. It only made things worse. Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a card game. Leonard: Gelatinous Sphere. Raj: Focused Locust. Stuart: Temple of Yip. Sheldon: I'm sorry. Wolowitz would never play that card. Stuart: All right, Lesser Demon Turtle. Sheldon: Fairy God Monster, I win. Your desperate need for friendship makes you weak. Raj: So, what are you guys doing later? Stuart and I were thinking of going out for a drink. Stuart: We're gonna try to meet some girls. Raj: 'Cause that's what we do. Stuart: Watch out, ladies, a little coffee and cream coming your way. Raj: In case you didn't follow that, I'm the coffee. Sheldon: Leonard? Maybe you'd like to go with them to meet girls. Leonard: Why would I be interested? I have Penny. Sheldon: Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I'd get a back-up. Leonard: You can't just replace someone you care about with some other random person. Stuart: No, please don't ruin this for me. Sheldon: Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk? Leonard: Yes, you walked around for a week saying, Sheldon unhappy with casting choice. Sheldon: But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better. Leonard: What's your point? Sheldon: Call me a romantic. I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo is still out there somewhere. Leonard: This is ridiculous. Are we gonna play cards or not? Stuart: I like Mark Ruffalo, too. Sheldon: Yeah, settle down there, fake Wolowitz. No one likes a kiss-up. Scene: Penny's apartment. Leonard: So, I had to take Sheldon to the dentist this morning. Penny: Really? Leonard: Yup. I told him if he didn't bite the hygienist, I'd take him for ice cream. Penny: Mmm. Leonard: I didn't have to take him for ice cream. Penny: Uh-huh. Leonard: You okay? You seem a little distracted. Penny: Look, there's something I need to tell you. Leonard: Oh. Yeah, okay. Penny: I don't really know how to say this. Leonard: Just say it. Penny: Okay. Here goes. Leonard: Mm-hmm. Scene: Bernadette's apartment. Amy: You slept with him? Penny: I didn't know what else to do. He had those big, sad eyes. Bernadette: Oh, sure, you had no choice. Penny: He looked at me like this. Amy: Well, if that's all it takes, it's a good thing you don't have a dog. Bernadette: Don't worry. You'll have plenty of chances to break up with him. Your wedding day, your honeymoon, your 50th anniversary. Penny: Look, it's fine. We're not getting married, okay? We're keeping things, you know, homeostasis. Amy: It's so cute when she tries. Penny (phone text tone): It's from Leonard. Last night was amazing. You're amazing. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. (They give him a hangdog look) Okay, stop it. Scene: Cutting between the International Space Station and the Bernadette's apartment. Howard: Hey, Bernie, guess what? I stood up to the other astronauts like you said and I got to tell you, last night was the first time in a week I got a good night's sleep. (On screen, Howard has a mouse face drawn on his face, and the words F.LOOPS on his forehead.) Bernadette: Oh, Howie. Howard: What's wrong? You look upset. Bernadette: Nope, this is my proud face.

Plan: A: Bernadette; Q: Who's wedding gifts were being sorted out? A: Leonard; Q: Who does Sheldon tell Penny not to hurt? A: Amy; Q: Who tells Sheldon about Penny's doubts? A: The next day; Q: When does Penny sleep with Leonard? A: his sad face; Q: What does Penny see when she is about to talk to Leonard about her doubts? A: Stuart; Q: Who replaces Howard as Raj's friend? A: the gang; Q: Who does Stuart join? A: Howard; Q: Who is bullied by Mike Massimino and Dimitri Rezinov? A: Raisinets; Q: What candy does Stuart have to eat at the movies? A: women; Q: Who does Stuart and Raj visit a bar to meet? A: Howard and Raj's; Q: What two characters does Stuart have to act like? A: Howard and Raj's friendship; Q: What do Stuart and Raj's friendship remind them of? A: a mouse face; Q: What did the astronauts draw on Howard's face? A: Froot Loops; Q: What is Howard's nickname? Summary: Whilst sorting out Bernadette's wedding gifts, Penny confesses being unsure of her feelings towards Leonard, and is worried she might break up with him again. She asks Bernadette and Amy not to mention this to Leonard; however, Amy tells Sheldon, who cannot keep the secret but holds back from telling Leonard. That night he wakes Penny in her apartment and tells her never to hurt his friend Leonard. The next day, when about to talk to Leonard about her doubts, she looks into his sad face and sleeps with him instead. Later, she insists she's fine with where they are going, as they aren't getting married. Meanwhile, Stuart joins the gang on Sheldon's condition that he act like Howard whom he is replacing as Raj's friend, so he must eat Raisinets at the movies and play the same cards as Howard during Mystic Warlords of Ka'a. Stuart and Raj later visit a bar to meet women, reminiscent of Howard and Raj's friendship. Elsewhere, on the ISS, Howard is bullied by co-astronauts Mike Massimino and Dimitri Rezinov. Bernadette has him stand up to them, but they drug him and draw a mouse face and his nickname Froot Loops on his face.

Rusty: Rusty Cartwright. I'm a freshman. [SCENE_BREAK] Casey: I'm Casey Cartwright. Tomorrow night, we are gonna host over a thousand girls for rush. [SCENE_BREAK] Frannie: Daughter of our fair state Senator. She's coming here this fall, and she's rushing. Land Rebecca Logan and you can be the heir to my throne. [SCENE_BREAK] Dale: I'm Dale. Rusty: Hey Dale, nice to meet you. Dale: You gotta be pretty smart to get to the engineering program. Rusty: How'd you know? Dale: This is the honors engineering floor. [SCENE_BREAK] Rusty: I want to rush a fraternity. Casey: You're not fraternity material. [SCENE_BREAK] Calvin: No one knows you here. You can be anyone you want. [SCENE_BREAK] Rusty: I want to be a Kappa Tau. Cappie: Let's go, pledge. [SCENE_BREAK] Evan: You're Casey's little brother. Rusty: How'd you know? Evan: I'm her boyfriend. I'm Evan. [SCENE_BREAK] Heath: You know this doesn't mean I'm gay or anything. Calvin: I'm not gay. I was just drunk. [SCENE_BREAK] Cappie: The reason I broke up with you... Casey: I dumped you. Evan: Hey, Crappie. Cappie: The name's Cappie. Evan kisses Casey. [SCENE_BREAK] Rusty walks through an aisle but stop when he see Evan and Rebecca hooking up. Evan look at him. [SCENE_BREAK] Rusty: I saw Evan... Casey: I don't know... Rusty: ...with another girl. They were gonna have s*x. [SCENE_BREAK] Evan: Casey, I'll make it up to you. Casey: Sweetie, we're even. Think about it. End of previously. ***** On campus, in Casey's car - Night Ashleigh: Was there ever a time when radio stations actually played music? Almost makes me want to listen to NPR. Casey: [Ashleigh took off her headphones] Ouch. Ashleigh: Is said I want to listen to NPR. Seriously, what is wrong with you? Evan stuff? Casey: Things are great with Evan. Why wouldn't they be? Ashleigh: I just assumed it would take a girl more than a couple of days to get over the fact that her boyfriend hooked up with one of her pledges as her younger brother watched. Casey: Look, what happened between Evan and Rebecca Logan on rush night sucked a lot. But it's behind us. So we're totally fine. Ashleigh: Especially with what we've gotta do tonight? Casey: Business as usual. Radio: This is WGOD. You're listening to inspirational recordings... Ashleigh: [against the radio] Oh, son of a... ***** Rusty and Dale's room Rusty's ironing some clothes. Radio: ...Only on Cyprus...the gospel. "Heavenly music for a life and... after". Dale: [on his laptop] You want to hear an interesting tidbit of info? Rusty: Absolutely. Anything. Dale: All right. This school in Florida had to shut down one of their fraternities for hazing after one of pledges was forced to...break several laws against both God and nature during cinco de mayo last year. Those fraternities sure sound like fun. Rusty: This isn't hazing. This is just laundry. Dale: That's probably how it started with that poor cinco de mayo boy. Rusty: You can't let a few bad apples ruin the bunch. If that were the case, no one would ever join the catholic church. Dale: That's exactly why I'm baptist. Rusty: Hazing is just this small part. It's running errands, helping out around the house, an occasional prank or two maybe. I feel like... I don't know. I'm earning my keep. Like I belong. Dale: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Rusty. Speaking of, physics, 9 a.m.. [Excited] I hope I can sleep tonight! Just so you know, I'd never force you to do anything you didn't want to to prove yourself to me. Dale turns on the religious radio. Rusty: Thanks, Dale. Hey, hey, for tonight, could we not... Dale: It helps me sleep. Radio: This next dedication goes out to Cyprus-Rhodes, where Dale wants his roommate Rusty to know he's praying for him and his blasphemous ways. The Kappa Tau come in. Cappie: Deploy, Spitter, deploy, deploy! Beaver: [taking Rusty out of his bed] Pledge week! Cappie: Extraction complete. Move out, men. [To Dale who fell of his bed] Chut! [Cappie goes out and comes back] The laundry. ***** Out on campus Calvin: [answering his cell] Hello? Evan: Pledge, you have five minutes to get your ass to the house or suffer the consequences. [SCENE_BREAK] Casey: Let's go. [She's getting out of her car to face Rebecca] Rebecca Logan. Rebecca: Hey guys. What's up? Casey: We're kidnapping you for pledge orientation and midnight snacks back at the house. Rebecca: You guys scared me. Casey: No reason to be scared. Rebecca: Hey! Casey: [who pushed her] Oops, sorry. Credits ***** The Omega Chi's House Calvin: Sorry, guys. I was at the student center across campus. Evan: No problem, pledge Owens. I will have to ask you to drop and give me 20, though. Calvin: Are you serious? Evan: All of you! The success of one brother is success for everyone. And the failure of one affects us all. I am your pledge master, brother Chambers. And it is my duty to instill in you the ideals we honor here. Self-improvement. Leadership. And dedication. And part of dedication is punctuality! The hardcover you'll feel dropping on your spine is the Omega Chi pledge book. You will be tested on it. Now initiation is not intended to humiliate. It's purpose is to take you from the boys you are now and challenge you to become real men. You all have one hour... To melt these blocks of ice. Oh yeah, there is a catch. Do it naked. Let's go! An Omega Chi: Come on. You heard him. ***** Kappa Tau House A Kappa Tau: Remove your blindfolds! Cappie: Greetings! Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers who... Art in heaven, hallow it be their name, brought into this continent Kappa Tau Gamma. Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we fear nothing. And neither will you. As tonight... You all become men! Not in the way you might be thinking. We do not have hookers, which isn't to say we didn't try. Regardless... You all have been brought here before us to participate in a ceremonial rite of passage. It derives from a secret spartan ritual known as Cryptea. Where a boy is sent out into the wild... To live off the land, fight for his life while protecting his village. If he wasn't devoured by those... Gnarly looking wolfy things. Then he returned to the village... A man. Rusty: Isn't that the beginning of 300? Cappie: We did it first! You must stay out here all night. You cannot sleep. Also, the spartan boys had to wear their battle clothes for 24 hours. Rusty: They were out there for months. Cappie: Silence! Oh yeah, you guys gotta do some light gardening, 'cause the weeds are getting kind of bad. And to be one with the earth, which was something else they did back. All right, we'll see you guys in the morning when you're men. Be well. Rusty: Hey, I'm Rusty. Ben: Rusty, right? Yeah, Ben Bennett. Rusty: Oh, cool name. So what's your major? Ben: Undeclared, I guess. Yours? Rusty: Polymer science. Ben: Bummer. ***** Zeta Beta Zeta House Casey: Okay, so tomorrow is our annual pledge scavenger hunt. Meet me in the quad. Then thursday is our big sis, little sis revealing, where you'll learn who will be your big sister. Ashleigh: Let's eat. Frannie: These girls are so awesome. I love every one of them. Jen: Oh my Gosh, you guys! This is like the best night ever. My mom was a ZBZ, and she's so proud of me. Casey: Oh! You get some food. We're so happy you're here! Frannie: Except that one. Legacies. Casey: Didn't understand a word she said. Frannie: Like it matters, whatever. I'm still a proud prez. You handled the whole situation so well. Look around. Someday this could all be yours. Oh, here's our crown jewel now. Rebecca: I am so excited to be here. I feel like you all can take such good care of me. Frannie: Hey Casey, why don't you go show Rebecca her new room? Casey: Fine. [Later] So here it is. You know, I wanted to talk to you about something. Rebecca: It's much smaller than imagined. Casey: It's the only room we have left. You know, we normally can't allow freshmen to live in the house. Rebecca: And I know that I'm a campus celebrity, which is so weird just because my dad's a senator and rich and famous and whatever, but please... No special treatment. Casey: Except for your own room in the house. Rebecca: And maybe my own tivo? Check out that room, it's huge! Casey: Yeah, um, this is my room. And speaking of things that are mine... I found you sort of had s*x with Evan Chambers. Rebecca: I did, rush night, and it was amazing. Casey: Okay, please stop talking. Here's the thing. Evan Chambers is my boyfriend. Rebecca: Oh my god. How awkward for you. Are you guys breaking up? Casey: Um, no. Anyway... I just wanted to say that at Zeta Beta for a sister to hook up with another sister's boyfriend, it's considered bad form. Rebecca: Well, I had no idea he was your boyfriend at the time. Casey: Of course. And I'm just offering some advice in the spirit of sisterhood. Maybe you want to take some time to get to know a guy before you hook up with him. Like, see if he's in a relationship. Rebecca: Interesting. That's some pretty great advice. You must be pretty perfect to dole out that kind of advice. Casey: I'm not saying I'm perfect... Rebecca: Well, we agree on something. Because I know that I'm not perfect. Casey: Let me rephrase... Rebecca: No, I get it. I hooked up with your boyfriend. And I'm sorry for you about that. But I'm not gonna apologize to you for doing it. Can I offer you some sisterly advice? Maybe you should spend a little less time on your sisters, and a little more time on your boyfriend. Casey: Well. Thanks for the advice. Rebecca: No, thank you. I've learned a lot. ***** Casey and Ashleigh's room Casey: And I was totally chill. I was like, "you might wanna be a little more careful." and she was like "back off.". "Oh and by the way, I'm totally happy dressing like Donna Karan's skanky little sister." Ashleigh: Waouh. Casey: I know, right? Verbatim almost. And now I have to live with her. And be nice to her. And she's evil. Ashleigh: Well, you know, she's not active yet. We could bounce her out. Casey: Are you kidding? Frannie'd never let that happen. Ashleigh: Yeah, but people leave, they quit... If they're pushed too hard. Casey: Oh, I like that. Ashleigh: And sometimes accidents do happen. Casey: I'm not gonna kill her, Ash. Ashleigh: No, not kill. Injure. Casey: No, no, this is good. It's easy. We'll run her ragged and make her quit. Rebecca Logan must go. ***** At the KT's - Day Cappie: Thought you might need those. Hey, good job on the weeds. Rusty: Crap. Cappie: Awesome back here. Rusty: I was the only pledge who fell asleep? Cappie: Looks like you got off easy. Usually on the first person who falls asleep, the pledges tend to oh... Rusty: What happens usually? Cappie: That person gets the most sleep. You've got some mud. Rusty: They dye your feet? Cappie: Good one, guys. Because they care, buddy. Because they care. Rusty: When I mentioned my major, this one guy looked at me like I was terminal. Cappie: They don't know you. Just give 'em some time. Rusty: Yeah, just the first week. In a month, this'll all be behind me. Cappie: Yeah, you bet'cha. Atta boy. ***** Out on campus Evan: You know, we haven't spent any time together lately. We're okay, right? Casey: Of course. We've both been busy. Evan: Yeah, well, you do what you gotta do. Casey: If you want, you can come tonight and hang with me at Dobbler's. Evan: Done. Wait, is that your brother? Casey: Rusty, are you sleepwalking? Evan: Oh, my God. Rusty: Hey, Case. Evan. Casey: People can see you. People can see you standing near me. Evan: That is typical Kappa Tau crap, man. Rusty: What, this? No, this was an accident. I fell down some stairs. Evan: And cut two holes in the butt of your jammies. Rusty: I was holding scissors. Casey: Hang in there. First week is always the worst, because that's when classes are the easiest. Rusty: Class. What time is it? Casey: It's almost 9:00. Rusty: What? Oh, my gosh! I'm screwed. I gotta go. I'm screwed! [Running] Excuse me! Evan: His feet were blue. ***** A lecture hall Rusty: Has class started yet? Why are there so many people? Dale: No, you can't sit there. Rusty: Why? This is the only seat left! Dale: It's saved. Rusty: For who? Dale: For that guy. Hey, I saved your seat. Professor: If everyone could take their... You! This is a university classroom, not a homeless shelter. Rusty: I'm sorry sir. I'm not homeless. I'm in a fraternity. Professor: I like you better homeless. Sit. The brain surgeons at the registrar's office overbooked this class. We have 100 seats and 124 students. But that's not a problem for me. It's a problem for you. 90 problems for you. Your first problem set, which I want completed and in my hands no later than 9 a.m. thursday. Work in groups, work alone, I don't care. Based on the results, 100 of you will stay. 24 of you will find something else to do. Maybe kill some more brain cells at the frat house. ***** Out on campus Casey: You have 20 things on or around campus that you have to find and take pictures of with your handy dandy ZBZ cams. Might be something like a picture of the football stadium. Or a picture of you making out with a football player. Jen: Football player? I love football players! I want to date football player one day. Casey: Okay, you have until 7:00 p.m. to complete your lists and haul ass back to Dobbler's. If you do not make it by then, you will not remain in the running toward becoming america's next top Zeta Beta. Questions? No. Okay, go! Rebecca: Wait, I think I have a joke list or something. Ashleigh: What? Rebecca: "Panther. Middle-aged hooker. Male faculty member shirtless.". Casey: Let me take a look at that. Two puppies wearing hats. Ashleigh: The lists were passed out randomly. Casey: And no special treatment, right? You're just one of the girls now. They're all doing their own lists. It might get weird if we gave you your own room and then gave you an easier list because you can't do the one you have... Rebecca: I can do it. Casey: Of course you can. You're Rebecca freakin' Logan. Ashleigh: You can totally do this. Kick ass! I thought she was gonna quit right then. Casey: She'll never finish the list. [SCENE_BREAK] Rusty: I thought the first week was supposed to be easy. Why can't he just find a bigger room? Why do we have to do this? Dale: Because he's teacher and we do as we're told. Rusty: But this is ridiculous. He's testing us on concepts and theories he hasn't even taught us yet. I mean, "microscopic and macroscopic aspects of deformation and fracture." Dale: No, I've heard of that before. Rusty: "Spinodal decomposition and martensitic reactions?" Dale: That has something to do...with the morphological changes in... Something. Rusty: Hey! Why don't we work together? Dale: 'Cause I don't need to. Rusty: "Molecular foundations of polymer viscoelasticity pertaining to the Rouse-Bueche theory and the Boltzmann superposition principle"? Dale: We should get started tonight. Rusty: Great. No, I can't. I can't tonight. I have to be at the house every night this week. Dale: Happy failing. Rusty: We can just split it up. I can get my half done in my spare time. Dale: Amen. I'm gonna try to have faith in you, Rusty. A guy: Good luck, man. Rusty: I'm not homeless! ***** At Dobler's - Night Evan: Hey, you know, not that I'm not enjoying your company, Ashleigh, but when are you done? 'Cause I was thinking we could grab dinner and we'd go back to my house. Casey: We still have one girl left. Evan: Okay. Who? Ashleigh: Rebecca Logan. Casey: I think I need another lemon drop. [She's leading to the bar]. Cappie: Case, I didn't see you down there. Casey: Heading out? Cappie: Another night of debauchery with the pledges. Casey: Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. I don't know exactly what you guys do over there. Cappie: You never heard about the goats? Casey: Just go easy on Rusty, okay? He's new to all this, I wanna make sure he's not going to be scarred for life. Cappie: Did you really come down here to talk to me about Rusty? Whom until last week didn't exist? Casey: My relationship with Rusty has changed since last week. Cappie: Seems like a lot of relationships changed last week. Bartender: Here you go. Casey: You don't have to buy me a drink. Cappie: It's okay, I didn't. I put it on your tab. Evan: Hey. Hey, hey, hey. What's taking so long over here? Cappie: I was just not buying your girlfriend a drink. Evan: Don't you have your own girlfriend to not buy drinks for? Cappie: It's just not as fun, I guess. This is ridiculous. Can we be mature and just say what we're all thinking? How the hell could they cancel Gilmore Girls? Unclench, Evs. Casey and I were just talking about the pledges. Evan: Yeah, we- yeah, yeah. We saw the work you guys did on Rusty. Let me ask you. What exactly is the point of that form of hazing? Cappie: Our own amusement. Evan: Well, you're doing them a lot of good. Cappie: We don't have to train our pledges. They already rock. Evan: Are you implying that your pledges are better than our pledges? Cappie: You're right. I'm sorry. Let me clarify. Our pledges could kick your pledges' asses any day. Evan: Is that a challenge? Casey: Guys, come on. Evan: No, no, no. Cappie: What kind of competion are we talking about here? Who's got the most J. Crew V-Necks? Wait, you might have us there. Evan: We could kick your ass at anything. Cappie: Really? Evan: Yeah, we could. Cappie: Oh. Ashleigh: Excuse us. Rebecca's not coming. Casey: She quits? Ashleigh: She got busted by campus security for sneaking into the men's faculty locker room. Casey: Are we in trouble? ***** At the KT's Wade: Okay, guys, tonight's new rite of passage will begin shortly. We're just waiting on the sensei, who's... Cappie: Stop everything! Nice kimonos. Big news. Our pledges have been challenged by the nimrods over at Omega Chi Pledge #1: We're gonna destroy 'em! Pledge #2: What's the game? Cappie: Something fair. Something classic and old... family favorite. Beer pong. Here tomorrow night. Rusty: Tomorrow night? What if we have school work to do? Cappie: Spitter, that's impossible. Did you not hear a word of what I just said? It's against the Omega Chis! Besides, it's the first week of school. It's always easy. Ben: You could probably just sit this one out, Spitter. I mean, maybe this isn't your kind of thing. Cappie: Do what you gotta do, Russ. ***** ZBZ House - Day Ashleigh: Case, Frannie is calling an emergency meeting about Rebecca. Casey: Now? You think she knows anything about the list Rebecca had? Ashleigh: I guess we're about to find out. Casey: Okay, I'll meet you in there. Rusty: Case, can I talk to you? Casey: Now is like the absolute worst time. Rusty: Please, just two minutes. Casey: Okay, go, hurry. Rusty: I've got this scheduling issue. Casey: Seriously? Buy a calendar. Done. Rusty: But tonight the Kappa Taus are hosting this beer pong event, which I'm not really sure what that is. Casey: Classy choice, Cappie. Rusty: I also have to finish this really hard problem set in order to stay in this physics class. Casey: Easy. Drop the class. And you're welcome. Rusty: I can't just drop the class, Case, it's a prequisite. Casey: Then skip beer pong, but know it's a lot of fun. Rusty: I can't skip. I'm just a pledge. How do you juggle school and your sorority stuff? Casey: I don't take honors engineering classes. Look, I really need to go. Rusty: That's all you got for me? Casey: You knew joining a fraternity wasn't gonna be easy. You're in this super hard, super brainiac program, that's gonna take up a lot of time. But being in a fraternity takes time too. So you have to make a choice. Choices are good. Choices make you pick a path and stay the course. Rusty: It's not fair. Why can't I do both? Casey: Well, if you could, you wouldn't be here right now. This is one reason among many why guys like you aren't in fraternities. Rusty: But the world isn't black and white, remember? I can be gray. I can be an amalgam. Casey: Why does every conversation we have turn into a vocab test? Rusty: Forget it. Casey: Be realistic, Russ. Rusty: Be my sister, Case. [SCENE_BREAK] Frannie: Panhellenic has called five times wanting to know how we're gonna handle the situation. They're implying hazing. What the hell am I supposed to tell them? Ashleigh: She's on drugs? Frannie: What was she doing in there? Casey: If this were any other girl on campus, no one would care. It's just because she's Rebecca Logan. Maybe it's a good thing this happened for us now. Frannie: What do you mean? Casey: Well, what she brings to this sorority in notoriety pales in comparison to all we're gonna have to do to manage our reputation. She lives under a microscope. Ashleigh: Which means we're gonna live under a microscope too. Casey: And she's covered in bacteria. I mean, if she messes up again, then our name's gonna be right alongside hers. It might be best... Rebecca: Excuse me, may I have a moment of your time? Frannie: This is a closed meeting, Rebecca. Officers only. Rebecca: This will just take a second. Frannie: Okay. Rebecca: I made a huge mistake. I went way overboard with the scavenger hunt. I was just trying to make you proud, Frannie. Frannie: Make me proud? Oh, you don't have to prove anything to me, or anyone here. We all love you. Casey: We still have to answer to Panhellenic and the university. Rebecca: It's taken care of. Frannie: Taken care of? Rebecca: My father became involved. He spoke with the provost and a rep at Panhellenic and suggested that it would be in everyone's best interest if this all just went away, so it has. I won't allow my poor judgment to affect my sisters. Frannie: You are amazing. Rebecca: And for all the trouble that I've caused you all, my father has offered us his private jet for us to use any time we want it. Frannie: Oh, my god, my god! We got a jet! Is it a G5? Rebecca: Yes, actually it is. How did you know? [SCENE_BREAK] ***** Dale and Rusty's room - Night Dale: Hey, study buddy. You done yet? Rusty: Just about. Dale: Where you headed? Rusty: I'm really kind of unfocused in here, you know. So I'm gonna go to the library to work on the problem set for physics. Dale: When are you gonna be done? Cause I'm already done. I finished it about 1:30 this afternoon. I mean, it was tough, but I got through it. And I was able to teach myself a lot of stuff that's... That's pretty advanced. Rusty: I'll definitely have my half. Dale: Hey, I can come with you and help. I'm really smart. Rusty: I know you are, Dale. But... I want to do my part, you know? I'll see you. Dale: Hey, Rusty? Rusty: Yeah? Dale: Aren't you forgetting something? Rusty hugs him. Dale: Rusty? Rusty: Yeah? Dale: You forgot your backpack. Rusty: Oh, right. ***** KT's House Wade: Gentlemen... And Omega Chis... Welcome to the first annual Kappa Tau/Omega Chi pledge tourney. All right, we got nine pledges on each side. House with the highest number of wins... Wins. Any questions? Rusty: How do you play? Evan: You know, we could drop one of our guys to make it an even game. Cappie: It's actually a great question, Spitter. Beer pong rules and regulations differ all over the world. Adhering to the north american beer pong association regulations, two players square off on their respective sides, each taking a turn hitting a ping pong ball across a table with the aim of making their ball land in one of several cups of beer. Now if he... Or she... Is successful, then that opponent must drink that cup of beer. The player who drinks all the cups loses. Now I personally subscribe to the notion though that everyone wins in this game. So let's do it. Let the games begin! Rusty: Hey. Calvin: So I guess this is gonna be the drawback of being in different houses. It's too bad you didn't come to Omega Chi, but I get it. The whole Evan thing. Rusty: There's no reason we still can't be friends. Calvin: Yeah, yeah, I mean, just because our houses are in competition doesn't mean... Doesn't mean we have to be, right? Rusty: Yeah. Both: So what number... I'm nine. ***** ZBZ House Frannie: Hey. So... Good news. Everything has been smoothed over completely. Casey: Great. Frannie: There's one thing though. Rebecca wants your room. Casey: How did you break the bad news? Frannie: Explain something to me. Why was Rebecca Logan given so many hard things to find on the scavenger hunt? Casey: She wasn't. Frannie: "Shirtless faculty member"? "Middle-aged panther"? Casey: Win is... Frannie: And the point is...you're still freaked out about the Evan thing, and you lost control. You told me you could handle it, and you didn't. Rebecca's getting the room. ***** KT's Heath: Hey, Calvin. What's your number? Calvin: Home or cell? Heath: No, I mean your position. What number did you draw? Calvin: Nine. Heath: So do you wanna grab some beers after this or something? Calvin: Beers? Sure! Wade: All right, next up! Number nine. Evan: And game point! Rusty: Spitter... You're up. Calvin: Hey. May the best man win? Rusty: Yeah. Best man win. Evan: All right. Don't choke. Cappie: How you feeling? You good? Okay, I want you to relax, all right? You know, there are these moments in life when you are confronted with something that you think is monumental, but 10, 20 years down the road you'll look back and you'll laugh. Rusty: Yeah. Cappie: This is not one of those moments. This is the most important thing that could ever happen to you or any of us in this entire world. Good luck. Don't lose. Wade: All right, score's tied. The winner of this game will determine which pledges rock and which pledges suck. Rusty: It's just kind of like ping pong. And I was champion five years in a row in the Eagle Scouts. Cappie: Waouh. You were in the Eagle Scouts. Rusty: Good game, Cal. Calvin: You are the best won man, Cal. Cappie: You guys should've picked naked ice melting. Is that supposed to be a secret Omega Chi thing? Evan: Hope you're ready to do some pushups, pledge. Calvin: You bet... Ben: Hey, you kicked ass, man. Rusty: It was... Hell, yeah! The Kappa Taus: Spitter! Spitter! Spitter! Rusty: 2:00 a.m.! I gotta go! Put me down. ***** Dale and Rusty's room - Day Rusty: I'm up! Dale: You didn't finish? You didn't finish! It's due in ten minutes. You're nowhere near finished. Rusty: I'll turn in what we have. Dale: No, what we have can't compete with what the other kids have, because they take this seriously. I prayed to God. Why would he forsake me? Okay, this class is a prerequisite that's only offered in the fall. Which means if we don't take it now we can't take it until next year. Which means we can't start our core classes for two years. Which means I can't finish undergrad till 2012. Which means I can't finish grad school until 2015... Rusty: Dale, I'm sorry. Dale: No, no, you've ruined my future. And my kids' future and my grandkids' future. You've disrupted the space-time continuum. And you gotta fix it. You gotta build a time machine right now. We gotta build a time machine... Rusty: Dale, stop. Stop! I'll fix this. I promise. Your grandkids will be fine. I'll fix this. ***** ZBZ's Ashleigh: This beyond sucks. Is this yours or mine? Casey: Does it matter? With the space in that crappy little room all our stuff is gonna be thrown together anyway. Rebecca: Oh. Could you give me better ETA on when you're gonna be completely out of here? I scheduled some movers to be here at 4:00, but guess that's not gonna happen. But don't worry. I want you all to take your time and let me know when this afternoon you're gonna have your stuff out of here. Thanks. Casey: You know, that's it. Screw this. [Downstairs] We gotta talk. I've tried to be cool about this. I've tried not to get upset. But this is me upset. I'm officially very upset. I know Rebecca's great for us. Our alums love the idea of her. She gives us a jet. Bla bla bla... But I can't take it anymore. She slept with my boyfriend. I took him back. Now she's stealing my room. And all I've been is nice to her. I know, except for the whole shirtless faculty member thing, which we've already discussed was a mistake and we're past. I've given you two years of dedication, and she's given me two weeks of hell. So you have to choose. Her or me. Frannie: Is this what friends do, Casey? Give each other ultimatums? Casey: I'm sorry, Frannie, but I don't know what else to do. Frannie: Okay. Let me consider this. On the one hand, we have you... Who put this entire sorority in danger by hazing Rebecca. Casey: I didn't think she'd finish the list. Frannie: We could've been on probation, or even worse, made an example of and suspended. You put yourself and your petty squabble with Rebecca before the sorority. Casey: Well, when you say it like that it sounds really bad. Frannie: And on other hand, I have a senator's daughter and a jet. Casey: Frannie... Look... Frannie: The best thing I can do for you right now is... forget this conversation ever happened. Because trust me. You don't want me choose. ***** KT's Rusty: Hey Capp'. Can I talk to you? Cappie: Sure, what is it, buddy? Hey, can you do me a favor and crouch down on all fours? Rusty: Euh, okay. Cappie: Thank you. Rusty: I have to quit the fraternity. Cappie: Relax, I'm almost done. Rusty: No, I mean, I really have to quit Cappie. I can't manage Kappa Tau and engineering. I was supposed to turn in this physics problem set, but I didn't because of last night. Now I missed the deadline this morning. I messed up my roommate because we were working on it together. He's mad at me, and he won't even talk to me now... Cappie: Rusty, school comes first. Rusty: I know, so I can have the successful, professional future. Cappie: No, so you won't get kicked out and you can stay here forever. You know you could've skipped beer pong last night, right? Rusty: But I wanted to make my pledge brothers like me. Cappie: Relax, you belong here. Rusty: Thanks. But it's too late. Cappie: It's never too late. You didn't ask any of us for help. Now go finish that test. You're not the first Kappa Tau who's missed a deadline. ***** A hallway of a building campus Professor: Oh! Don't tell me that's out of order. Wade: [fixing an elevator] Yep, sorry. Gotta take the stairs. Professor: [downstairs] I have to get to the parking lot. Heath: [painting a door] No can do. Better go out that door and around. ***** Out on campus Cappie: Let's get this right, guys. This is love tap 23. Love tap 23. Break! [Playing football] 18, 24! 18, 24! Hike! Professor: [falling with a box of papers] You damn frat boys, you almost killed me! What are your names? Cappie: We're very sorry sir... Professor: What fraternity are you with? Beaver: But, sir, we were just... Professor: Names! Cappie: We're the Omega Chis. My name is Evan Chambers. And you're kind of being a pansy about all of this. Rusty mixed his paper with the others. When the professor leaves, he stops hiding behind a tree and joins his brothers. Cappie: Don't look back. ***** ZBZ's - Night Casey: I can't believe this is it. I'm gonna miss this room so much. Ashleigh: Remember when we first moved in? Casey: Three weeks ago? We were just down the hall last semester. Ashleigh: Yeah, still. It's sad. Casey: Is that... Oh, my god! That's disgusting. Ashleigh: What is it? Who sent it? Casey: I bet it's from Rebecca. Skank monster pulled a paris. Ashleigh: She looks a little busy to be filming it herself. She didn't do this. Someone else is holding the camera, and peeking in on quite a show. Evan looks really hot... Casey: Ash! Ashleigh: Sorry, I'll delete it. Casey: No, wait. [SCENE_BREAK] Casey: Hey! Could I ask you for a favor? Rebecca: I have a lot of stuff Frannie wanted me to finish in here. Casey: Well, when you're done in here, you can get your stuff out of my room. Rebecca: You mean my room. Casey: I just got an interesting text message. Rebecca: Weight Watchers going mobile? Where did you get that? Casey: What's more important is where it's going. I personally think it'll look great on the internet. Rebecca: You're blackmailing me? Casey: No, I'm... Well, I guess I am. This is my first time. But this obviously wasn't your first time. I took this psych class my freshman year, and I'm willing to bet you didn't get attention from your dad growing up. Want to get his attention now? Isn't he like a hardcore, conservative, family values man? Frannie: How's it going in here? Casey: I gotta say, I think Rebecca and I just had a major breakthrough. Wouldn't you say? Rebecca: We're great. Casey: Oh, oh, tell Frannie about the room. Rebecca: I've decided, in the spirit of sisterhood...that I'm going to take the smaller room. Frannie: Oh! Casey: And I haven't told either of you the best part. Rebecca: You haven't? Casey: I've decided that I'm going to be Rebecca's big sis. Frannie: Oh, yay! Thank God! I knew you two would work it out. Rebecca: You really want to start this? Casey: It's already started. Get your crap out of my room, little sis. ***** A lecture hall - Day Dale: This is pointless. Rusty: Trust me, it's all taken care of. Dale: Am I gonna go to jail? Professor: I'm not going to grade these. He threw away all the papers. Professor: Welcome back. Looks like everyone has a seat, so the problem set served its purpose. 30 of you dropped the class as soon as the tests were distributed. Is it abusive? Probably. This isn't high school. I'm not here to coddle you or inspire you. I'm here to prepare you for some harsh realities. No one's going to help you through life. Rusty: So you hazed us. Professor: Let's start with the basics. The kinetic theory of gases. ***** Dale and Rusty's room. Rusty: It's open. Casey: Hey. Rusty: Hey. Come on in. I can't believe you're in my dorm room. Casey: And I can't believe you have a confederate flag hanging on your wall. Where are you heading all spiffied up? Rusty: Big brother ceremony tonight at the house. Casey: How did your problem set go? Rusty: All worked out. I'm gonna do both. Casey: I'm sorry, Russ. I have some juggling issues of my own. Rusty: This world's new for you too. Casey: Which one? Rusty: Us. Casey: I know. And I've already started. I can be...a ZBZ sister, as well as your sister. I can be an... amalgam. Rusty: Like you even know what that is. Casey: Any blending or mixture of mercury with another metal or with alloy. Like polymer science is that hard. Casey fixed his tie and is now suiting him up. Rusty: Thank you. All right? [Looking at him in the mirror, Casey behind]. Casey: [similing] Yeah. End of episode.

Plan: A: pledge week; Q: What is happening at CRU? A: Rusty; Q: Who receives a lesson in balancing frat life with his honors engineering coursework? A: brotherhood; Q: What does Rusty learn about? A: ZBZ; Q: What is the name of the sorority that Casey and Ashleigh belong to? A: hot water; Q: What does ZBZ get in? A: Rebecca Logan; Q: Who is being hazed? A: beer pong; Q: What game do Kappa Tau and Omega Chi play? A: Calvin; Q: Who has misfortune in the beer pong battle? Summary: It's pledge week at CRU! Rusty receives a lesson in balancing frat life with his honors engineering coursework , learning about brotherhood along the way. Casey and Ashleigh get ZBZ in hot water over the undue hazing of Rebecca Logan. And, Kappa Tau and Omega Chi battle it out over beer pong , much to Calvin's misfortune.

OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is sitting at the kitchen table clipping coupons. Rory walks out of her bedroom carrying a bag of laundry, and Lorelai hides the coupons.] LORELAI: Morning. RORY: Morning. LORELAI: Hey, would you be horrified if I started clipping coupons again? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Oh, well, then, I won't. RORY: Wait, did you say again? LORELAI: I meant ever. RORY: When did you clip coupons before? LORELAI: I didn't. I misspoke. Whoops. RORY: Uh huh. LORELAI: Hey, how is it that your dirty laundry has increased exponentially since you started Yale? RORY: 'Cause I'm a dirty, filthy Yale girl now. [she grabs the page of coupons from the table] LORELAI: I told you I'm not gonna clip them! RORY: Then I don't see the problem. LORELAI: Just for the Fig Newtons, please! [Rory opens the back door and listens to the music coming from the garage] RORY: Whoa! That is - LORELAI: Sucks. RORY: That is totally sucks. And they're like on their two hundredth guitarist audition. LORELAI: Well, they must be down to the deaf, dumb, and blind ones. Ah, he found it. RORY: Found what? LORELAI: The lost chord. RORY: So, the washer's broken. LORELAI: Yup. RORY: You didn't mention that when you saw me walk out with my exponential amounts of laundry. LORELAI: Sorry. RORY: Or when I called from Yale to say that I had exponential amounts of laundry to do. LORELAI: You've totally co-opted my word. RORY: Okay, plethora - that's my word. I have a plethora of dirty laundry and nowhere to do it. LORELAI: But you don't come home to do your laundry. You come home to see your mama. RORY: No, this time I came home to do my laundry. LORELAI: All right. I'll call the repairman A.S.A.P. RORY: Hey, you hear that? LORELAI: What? RORY: No music. LORELAI: And the band stopped playing, too. [Lane walks in through the back door] RORY: Hi, Lane. LORELAI: How's it going there? [Lane walks to the sink, turns the faucet on, and sticks her head under the water.] RORY: You think she can hear us? LORELAI: I think out of self-defense her ears have become vestigial organs. [Lane walks back outside. Rory grabs another page of coupons from the table.] LORELAI: I'm not clipping coupons! RORY: Then I don't see the problem. [Lorelai finds another page of coupons on the table] LORELAI: Ha. [opening credits] CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE [Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: Hey, it's your friendly neighborhood Lorelai. SOOKIE: I'm in the kitchen! [There's a man sitting in the living room] LORELAI: Good morning. BEAU: Is it? SOOKIE: Just spreading that love and sunshine around, huh, buddy? Lorelai, this is Beau, Jackson's brother. Beau, this is our friend Lorelai. LORELAI: Hi. BEAU: Hm. SOOKIE: Come on. Let's leave Oscar Wilde here to his reading. [Lorelai and Sookie walk to the kitchen] LORELAI: What's with the 'tude? SOOKIE: Jackson asked Beau to be here for the birth. LORELAI: Uh huh. SOOKIE: Which was supposed to happen a week ago. LORELAI: Uh huh. SOOKIE: So Beau's missing way more work than he thought he would, and he's letting me know it. LORELAI: Yeah, it would be nice if God gave us women a pop-up thing when a baby's done like on a turkey, but he chose not to. Hey, Jackson. JACKSON: Hi. This extra time is great, huh? I'm getting so much done. SOOKIE: I know. I'm still storing meals. I've got two weeks worth. BEAU: Hey, Jackson? JACKSON: Yeah, Beau? BEAU: What day is it today? JACKSON: It's Saturday, Beau. BEAU: I get time and a half on Saturdays. JACKSON: Uh huh. BEAU: It gets me my fun things. Otherwise, it's all just bill paying. JACKSON: [to Sookie] Have I apologized to you enough? SOOKIE: Yes, Daddy, you have. JACKSON: So, I got the plastic sheet on the bed. It fits perfectly. SOOKIE: Excellent. LORELAI: What's that for? JACKSON: She doesn't know? LORELAI: Know about what? SOOKIE: You ready? This is big. It's really good, and I want you to slowly drink it in. No big gulps. LORELAI: I'm ready to take a sip. SOOKIE: We're skipping the hospital and having the baby here. LORELAI: Here in your house? SOOKIE: In our bed. LORELAI: Hence the sheet. JACKSON: Got a honey of a sheet. It's the top of the line. The little thing will come out and carom right down into the catcher's arms. LORELAI: While we all yell, "hey, batter, batter, batter"? SOOKIE: He means the midwife. Got the best one on the eastern seaboard. JACKSON: You look mystified. LORELAI: No, it's just. . .uh, you guys have done a lot of research on this, right? SOOKIE: Millions of babies have been born this way. JACKSON: It's a great tradition. SOOKIE: And hospitals are so cold, you know, so full of infections. JACKSON: And dead people. SOOKIE: And sometimes the dead people have infections. JACKSON: And if they're not dead yet, they die. LORELAI: All true. JACKSON: But the best thing about having little Davey or Colgate here - zero chance of bringing home the wrong baby. What comes out of her here, stays here. Oh, I got something for you. [hands Lorelai a pager] It's a baby pager. It'll go off when Sookie's close. ["The Entertainer" plays from the pager] LORELAI: Oh, cute. JACKSON: Scott Joplin seemed appropriately sunny. SOOKIE: I want you to be here even if home birth disgusts you. LORELAI: Of course I'll be here. Nothing could keep me away. JACKSON: Ohh! Extra buckets - I gotta put it on the list. LORELAI: Extra buckets? What's that. . .hm. Never mind. CUT TO THE DANCE STUDIO [Townspeople are gathering for a town meeting] KIRK: Excuse me. Can my girlfriend and I sit here? This is my girlfriend. LULU: Hi. MAN: Hi. KIRK: My girlfriend and I appreciate it. LULU: Yes, thank you. KIRK: I got a pretty polite girlfriend. BABETTE: Should we be nervous about this? ANDREW: I don't know. Did Taylor tell anyone why he called an emergency meeting? KIRK: He said nothing to me or my girlfriend. MISS PATTY: I can't remember the last town emergency meeting he called. KIRK: Me and my girlfriend can't either. RORY: Home birth? LORELAI: I was horrified and I hid it horribly. I wanted to be supportive but throw up at the same time. RORY: A plastic sheet? LORELAI: I saw it. It was the same one that boy who couldn't hold it had to use in that after-school special. What was that called? RORY: "It's Not Benny's Fault." LORELAI: Oh, God. It was so insane. It's what hospitals are for. KIRK: Hey, Lane, there's a seat behind my girlfriend. LANE: That's okay, Kirk. Hi. LORELAI: Hi. RORY: Hey. LANE: Get this. I just found the most amazing guitarist - a phenom. He was cool on the phone, and we're meeting him tomorrow. RORY: That's great. LANE: I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I've already figured out that our Spin cover should be against a bloodred backdrop with a skull hovering over us. LORELAI: Oh, well, very Norman Rockwell. RORY: That woman's staring at me. LORELAI: Oh, Mrs. Van-uppity? Well, maybe you're just her type. TAYLOR: People, thank you for assembling on such short notice. BABETTE: What's up, Taylor? KIRK: My girlfriend was wondering that, too. TAYLOR: As you know, every year, one lucky town in Connecticut gets to host "The Festival of Living Pictures," a show which presents onstage recreations of famous works of art - statues, paintings, et cetera, with real people posing as the figures in the art. We hosted it seven years ago - successfully, I might add. BABETTE: Yeah, it was a blast. LORELAI: Definitely. KIRK: My girlfriend's gonna love this. TAYLOR: The town of Woodbury was supposed to host it this year, but because of recent flooding, they canceled at the last minute, and I offered Stars Hollow to be the host. How does that sound? RORY: Cool. BABETTE: Yeah, sign us up. MISS PATTY: Yeah, Taylor, you finally did something right. Your beard is so sexy. ANDREW: How much time do we have? TAYLOR: One week. And as per tradition, we need to come up with one original recreation to go with all the others that are in the show every year. MISS PATTY: Well, that's not a lot of time. LORELAI: Yeah, Taylor, is it even possible? TAYLOR: Well, it'll have to be. I've already assured Hank, who is the Taylor Doose of Woodbury, that we'd take it over successfully. It's a challenge, people, but doable. Now, I would like to introduce you to a key player in our execution of this endeavor, the head of the Connecticut Arts Council, Buff Otis. LORELAI: Hey, it's your future wife. RORY: Shut up. TAYLOR: Would you like to say a few words, Mrs. Otis? MRS. OTIS: Your enthusiasm. . .shocks me. LORELAI: Is that good? RORY: Hard to tell. LANE: It might be. BABETTE: Scary broad. TAYLOR: I will be managing the event and emceeing. Uh, Miss Patty, you will be stage-managing. Uh, Lorelai, if you could help organize the costumes? LORELAI: I'm here for you and your sexy beard, Taylor. TAYLOR: Um, everyone should sign up now if you want to be considered to be cast in one of the recreations. Mrs. Otis and I will make the final decisions. BABETTE: Hey, you're gonna be the girl in that Renoir painting again, right? You were such a doll in that. LORELAI: Oh, I'm sure I can be persuaded. TAYLOR: This is an enormous challenge, people, but I say we do it and do it well. Meeting adjourned. LORELAI: Wait. RORY: Why? LORELAI: I want to see if she asks you out. RORY: Ugh. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table] LORELAI: I wonder if I want to be something other than the Renoir girl. RORY: I'm sorry, the audience has come to expect you in the role of Renoir girl. You can't disappoint them. It's a plum role. LORELAI: True, true. LUKE: Sorry I took so long. I was dealing with more divorce-lawyer stuff. LORELAI: Good Lord, is Nicole's lawyer still harassing you? LUKE: No, mine was. And please don't point out the irony of my paying a lawyer to work for me. LORELAI: Okay, but then you're gonna owe me something else I can ironically comment on. LUKE: Fine. Hey, what was that emergency meeting all about? RORY: We're hosting "The Festival of Living Pictures" again. LUKE: Oh, joy. LORELAI: His lack of enthusiasm shocks me. LUKE: You're involving yourself in this thing? It's such a stupid waste of time. LORELAI: I just thought of the perfect painting for Luke to be in. "Cranky Guy in Baseball Cap." RORY: Was that Manet or Monet? LORELAI: That was mustard on my hamburger and a side of fries, please. RORY: She's the queen of segues. LUKE: She's the queen of something. You want your usual? RORY: Yes, please. Maybe I'll just be a backstage person this year. There's less pressure. You don't have to get made up, and. . .[sees Taylor and Mrs. Otis staring at her through the diner window] What are they doing? LORELAI: Well, I bet she's coming to - RORY: Hey, and no more inappropriate lesbian references, please. LORELAI: All right. Oh, you know what? I bet you're in line for the new painting they're cooking up. RORY: I feel like a used car. TAYLOR: Turn to the side. RORY: What? TAYLOR: Turn to the side. We need to see your profile. LORELAI: Just what I thought. RORY: This is a violation of my civil rights. LORELAI: You better do what John Ashcroft says or they may just follow us home. RORY: Unbelievable. TAYLOR: Other way. Other way. RORY: I'm a Yale student, for God's sake. TAYLOR: Thank you. RORY: Crazy, doofus town. LORELAI: Yeah. CUT TO THE DANCE STUDIO TAYLOR: Let's not loiter around the cast sheets, people. Find your name and then move on. ANDREW: Oh, cool. I'm gonna be some statue. TAYLOR: You're "The Reaper," Andrew - a prize work at Versailles and a prize role, not some statue. ANDREW: So I get to be painted all white, huh? TAYLOR: Yes, that's what that means. LORELAI: Hi, Taylor. When are the costumes getting here? TAYLOR: Hank in Woodbury swears they're en route, but you gotta double and triple-check with that guy. LORELAI: Hank's the you in Woodbury. TAYLOR: A real ninny. He's praying we don't pull this off, but that only inspires me to work harder. KIRK: I need to see the list. JOE: Watch the elbows, Kirk. KIRK: I just need to see the list. MISS PATTY: He's going to be very happy. KIRK: Woohoo! LORELAI: What'd you get, Kirk? KIRK: Christ in "The Last Supper." LORELAI: The big kahuna. KIRK: I'm gonna do it right, too. Lots of research. What's a good book to read? LORELAI: Uh, the bible? KIRK: Right. Yo, where are my apostles? Where are my homeboys? James, son of Alpheus, give me five. JOE: All right. KIRK: Simon, the Canaanite, don't leave me hanging. I say we go celebrate. How 'bout Shakey's? MAN: All right. JOE: Cool. MISS PATTY: That is one happy Christ. LORELAI: Oh, well, it was nice of you guys to give him that. MISS PATTY: Oh, I wanted to show you this. It's our original picture. Well, we think Rory would be perfect for it. It's called "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea." LORELAI: Wow, that's Rory. MISS PATTY: Do you think she'll do it? LORELAI: Well, you got some sway with me. MISS PATTY: Good, good. LORELAI: Okay, I'm confused. MISS PATTY: I should go make my calls. LORELAI: I'm not the, uh, Renoir girl. MISS PATTY: Oh, really? I didn't realize that. . . LORELAI: Patty, I'm the spitting image of the Renoir girl. I played her seven years ago and received the proper accolades. This is a mistake. MISS PATTY: Maybe. LORELAI: Um, Taylor? TAYLOR: Yes, Lorelai? LORELAI: I'm not listed as the Renoir girl. Is that a mistake? TAYLOR: Frankly, no, it's not. LORELAI: Okay, I'm not listed as anything else, either. TAYLOR: That's also correct. You'll be helping with costumes. LORELAI: I don't get it. Why am I not the Renoir girl? I'm the spitting image. TAYLOR: You are. Your look is perfect. LORELAI: Then why am I not the Renoir girl? TAYLOR: I really have to tell you why? LORELAI: Yes, you do. TAYLOR: You flinched. LORELAI: I what? TAYLOR: Seven years ago, the curtain opened. You were posed in the painting, then you flinched noticeably. LORELAI: I did not flinch. TAYLOR: We thought you were having an attack. LORELAI: I did not flinch! TAYLOR: You almost knocked Terrence over. LORELAI: I did not! TAYLOR: The whole town saw it. And with Hank from Woodbury looking over my shoulder, I'm not taking any risks. LORELAI: Patty, please, back me up here. MISS PATTY: Oh, honey, I'm sorry, you flinched! TAYLOR: Big-time. MISS PATTY: You almost knocked Terrence over. TAYLOR: Yeah, you screwed the pooch, so you're out. I'm sorry. MISS PATTY: So, you'll ask Rory about the painting? CUT TO THE YALE LAUNDRY ROOM [Lorelai and Rory are ding laundry] LORELAI: It's humiliating! RORY: You and the Renoir girl - it was a lock. LORELAI: Yeah, until this smear campaign. There's a lot of tension in the air here. RORY: Well, it's midterms. LORELAI: You seem calm. RORY: Well, on the outside. Is this what you're using, Dream Fresh laundry powder? LORELAI: It's a new brand. RORY: It's an off-brand. LORELAI: It leaves your clothes with that Dream-Fresh scent. RORY: You used a coupon, didn't you? LORELAI: Thirty-five cents off or not, I still would have chosen Dream Fresh. RORY: So, who'd they pick for the Renoir girl? LORELAI: Carol Dandridge. RORY: Carol Dandridge? LORELAI: Carol Dandruff from now on! RORY: Okay, now, don't take it out on poor Carol. It's not like she lobbied for it. LORELAI: I bet she did. That would be just like that old porky, doody-dridge. RORY: Oh, wow. You're really bummed about this, aren't you? LORELAI: On the outside, I am a mature adult who's able to put setbacks like this in their proper place, and on the inside, I just wanna wear that pretty dress again! RORY: You will. LORELAI: Yeah, if a brick lands on Taylor's head and he suddenly likes me again. Ooh, a brick. RORY: You don't need a brick. You have me. I'll take care of it. LORELAI: What are you talking about? RORY: You are going to be the Renoir girl - end of story. LORELAI: How? RORY: Well, if they want an Anthea for "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea," then they're going to have to have you for the Renoir girl. LORELAI: Well, look at you folding your laundry all haughty and powerful. RORY: Bada-bing all over his nice ivy-league suit. LORELAI: Rory, you couldn't do that. Come on. It would be embarrassing, it would be manipulative, and can you do it tonight? RORY: I think I'll wait until the Anthea costume is perfectly fitted to my specifications. Then we won't have no surprises. LORELAI: I am in awe. RORY: Pass me the Dream Fresh? LORELAI: I wouldn't dare not to. CUT TO LORELAI'S GARAGE [The band is setting up] LANE: I don't know about you, but I'm completely jazzed about this. ZACH: This is the first time I've been excited about playing since Dave. BRIAN: If he's half as good as this tape, I'm gonna plotz. [A man enters the garage] LANE: Can we help you? GIL: Yeah, I'm looking for Lane. LANE: I'm Lane. GIL: Am I late? LANE: For? GIL: The audition. LANE: For? GIL: I'm Gil! ZACH: Gil. BRIAN: Gil. LANE: Gil. No, you're right on time. Come on in. GIL: Primo space. ZACH: Yeah. BRIAN: Primo. GIL: How you guys doin'? BRIAN: I'm Brian. ZACH: Zach. GIL: Where do you guys want me? LANE: Uh, right there's good. GIL: Cool. CUT TO THE TOWN SQUARE [A tent has been set up for the costume fittings for the festival] LORELAI: How's your research coming along, Kirk? KIRK: Good, although I got off to a slow start. I didn't realize Jesus wasn't in the Old Testament 'til I hit page 368. LORELAI: Hey, Taylor. TAYLOR: Hello. LORELAI: I took a quick survey of the costumes. Looks like everything's here and accounted for. TAYLOR: And the Renoir girl dress still fits you? LORELAI: Like a glove. TAYLOR: So help me, if you make me look bad in front of Hank from Woodbury, there is gonna be hell to pay. Sorry. TROUBADOUR: Hey, I'm here for a fitting. LORELAI: Oh, well, you've come to the right place. What are you in? TROUBADOUR: "The Last Supper." KIRK: Oh, you must be one of my missing apostles. Still haven't met them all. I'm Christ. TROUBADOUR: It's gonna be a lot of fun, huh? KIRK: Definitely. Which apostle are you? TROUBADOUR: Judas. KIRK: Judas. TROUBADOUR: So, uh, where do I go for my fitting? KIRK: Oh, I think you know where you're going, pal. LORELAI: Right through that flap. I'll meet you back there. TROUBADOUR: Thanks. So I heard you and all the apostles are going to Shakey's later. KIRK: You heard wrong, friend. We're not going to Shakey's. TROUBADOUR: Oh, okay. Well, maybe some other time. KIRK: Yeah, some other time. CUT TO LORELAI'S GARAGE [The band is playing a song with Gil] GIL: Man, you guys are fantastic! ZACH: Uh, yeah, you, too. BRIAN: Yeah. LANE: Really good, Gil. GIL: I mean it's tight, you know. It feels right. LANE: Definitely. ZACH: It's got a feel that. . . LANE: Feels right. BRIAN: Yeah. GIL: You want to do another one? LANE: Sure. GIL: Just give me one minute to call work. I own a sandwich shop in Salisbury and I gotta check in every once in a while or it's chaos. I'll be right back. Awesome, guys! Really! LANE: Back at ya! [Gil walks out of the garage] ZACH: Whoa. LANE: Yeah. BRIAN: He's. . .he's. . . ZACH: Old. Just say it, dude. Grandpa's old. LANE: He's not a grandpa. BRIAN: Did you know how old he was? LANE: He sounded young on the phone. ZACH: Right here, he's got some lines. That blows my mind. BRIAN: What is he, late thirties? ZACH: Approaching forty. LANE: Forty? BRIAN: He was alive before man walked on the moon. ZACH: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out. LANE: Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist. ZACH: He's had a lot of time to practice. BRIAN: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that. LANE: This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really - ZACH: Elderly. LANE: Excited. BRIAN: He was our age when we were born. LANE: He thinks we're great BRIAN: There were no cd's when he was born. ZACH: Stop it, man. I mean it. LANE: Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit. BRIAN: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer. ZACH: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old. LANE: You want to stop the audition? BRIAN: We shouldn't be rude. LANE: Good. ZACH: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo. LANE: I know. [Gil walks back in] GIL: [on phone] Cindy knows where the extra prosciutto is, Kevin. Ask her. Come on, I've told you before, when I'm not there, Cindy is me, okay? I'll check in later. Bye. [hangs up] Kids, man. In one ear and out the other. Okay, come on. Let's rock! CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE [Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: Hey. JACKSON: Hi. LORELAI: Ooh, balloons! Sad, little, droopy balloons. JACKSON: We got 'em too soon. LORELAI: Oh. Hey, you feeling okay? SOOKIE: Fine. Bruce just suggested a little afternoon rest. LORELAI: Bruce? Who's he? JACKSON: She. SOOKIE: It's a last name. LORELAI: Who's she? JACKSON: Best midwife on the eastern seaboard. LORELAI: Ah. BEAU: [on phone] Uh-huh. So it's gonna be another fifty bucks to change the flight again? That's six and a half hours take-home after taxes, disability, and FICA. SOOKIE: And the Oscar for biggest blubber baby goes to. . . BEAU: [on phone] No, no, go ahead. Put me down for it. I got no choice. Thanks. [hangs up] She sounded hot. SOOKIE: Hey, Beau, why don't you go take a little walk? You know, go do something. JACKSON: Yeah, good idea. BEAU: But there's nothing to do in this hick town, not like back in Bogalusa. JACKSON: Hey, Beau, why don't you come help me pick the zucchini in the back? I got a couple of giant Miracle Gro ones out there. Huh? It'll tickle you. BEAU: That might be something. [Jackson and Beau leave] LORELAI: Wow, you can cut the sexual tension with a knife. SOOKIE: Ugh! Don't joke. BRUCE: The bedroom is now prepared for the baby. Your husband tried, but he screwed up, so I fixed it. SOOKIE: Thank you, Bruce. BRUCE: There's someone new here. SOOKIE: Oh, Bruce, this is my best friend I was telling you about, Lorelai. BRUCE: Hello. LORELAI: Hi, oh, hey. I heard you were the, uh, best midwife on the eastern seaboard. May I call you Bruce? BRUCE: Everyone does. LORELAI: Then I will call you Bruce. BRUCE: You're anti-midwife. LORELAI: Pardon me? BRUCE: There's anti-midwife energy in this room and it wasn't here when I left it. LORELAI: Oh, well, it's not coming from me. SOOKIE: Yeah, Bruce, Lorelai is pro-you, all the way. BRUCE: Uh huh. I'll be in the bedroom. LORELAI: Uh, wow, that woman's got strong hands. SOOKIE: She ate a whole jar of crunchy peanut butter in one sitting. LORELAI: I would want a woman just like that yanking the baby out of me. BRUCE: Please lay on your side, Sookie. SOOKIE: Yeah, sorry. This is the position I'm going to be in for the baby. She wants me to get used to it. BRUCE: Less tearing this way. LORELAI: Ohh, smack that image right out of my head. BRUCE: I beg your pardon? SOOKIE: Hey, you know, Bruce spent two years in China educating poor villagers on female issues. LORELAI: Oh, I hear they got great Chinese food there. SOOKIE: A card. BRUCE: You're the friend who's going to be there, right? LORELAI: With rings on my fingers and bells on my toes. BRUCE: You'll leave the negativity at home? LORELAI: Bruce, I swear, I am Miss Positivity. BRUCE: Uh huh. LORELAI: I swear, I am not anti-midwife. I mean, that would be as dumb as being, I don't know, anti-best friend. Don't you think? BRUCE: Uh huh. [Jackson and Beau walk back in] BEAU: You're the one who asked me out to pick zucchinis. JACKSON: Right. Pick them, not kick them. BEAU: You used to be fun. Now you're just a big-city phony. BRUCE: Beau! BEAU: Huh? BRUCE: What did I say before? BEAU: I wasn't listening. BRUCE: The baby will come when the baby comes. We're all here to serve the baby. Jackson! JACKSON: What? BRUCE: How are you serving the baby? JACKSON: I could go get more balloons? BRUCE: Good. And, Beau, how are you serving the baby? BEAU: I could help Jackson with balloons. BRUCE: You need two men for that? BEAU: I could get. . .I could get flowers. BRUCE: Good! JACKSON: Okay, we're going to get balloons and flowers. LORELAI: She didn't give me any instructions. SOOKIE: Yeah. LORELAI: Should I move? SOOKIE: I wouldn't yet. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Sookie are walking down the street] SOOKIE: This is nice. LORELAI: It is a beautiful day. SOOKIE: Good suggestion. LORELAI: You think Bruce was just trying to get rid of us? SOOKIE: You, yes. But Bruce is there for the baby, and I've got the baby. LORELAI: Have you checked that recently? SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Are you sure she hasn't taken the baby and shoved a pillow under there when you weren't looking? ANDREW: Oh my God! SOOKIE: What? ANDREW: You haven't popped yet. SOOKIE: Not yet. ANDREW: It's like an elephant's gestation. SOOKIE: Thanks for the very welcome perspective on that, Andrew. LORELAI: Hey, how's the research going, Kirk? KIRK: Good. I'm using the clothing to get into character and I've been focusing on historical foods. Christ ate a lot of lentils. LORELAI: No utensils back then? KIRK: No, they had utensils. TAYLOR: This is a disaster, an unmitigated disaster! LORELAI: What happened? TAYLOR: We're missing half the table for "The Last Supper." LORELAI: Drag. TAYLOR: This is Hank from Woodbury's doing. That little fink only shipped half the table on purpose. MISS PATTY: No, I just talked to him, Taylor, and he swears he shipped everything they had. LORELAI: Well, let's think here. There's gotta be a way to do this. SOOKIE: Just add a card table to the end or some TV trays. It'll be like a funky Last Supper. TAYLOR: "The Last Supper" cannot be funky. MISS PATTY: Or we could just make do with what we have and crowd all the apostles around it. ANDREW: Or eliminate some of the apostles. TAYLOR: This is not going to work. I think we're just gonna have to throw in the towel. MISS PATTY: Well, I think you might be right, Taylor. This just might be a sign to pack it in. ANDREW: So no festival? TAYLOR: No festival. SOOKIE: I have to keep moving. TAYLOR: Okay, start packing it up, people. KIRK: You would fold? TAYLOR: What was that, Kirk? KIRK: You would fold due simply to hardship? TAYLOR: Not now, Kirk. Uh, keep everything where it is, guys. No reason to unload it just to load it again. KIRK: Would you follow blind guides which strain at a gnat and swallow a camel? MISS PATTY: Oh, that's your blood sugar talking, sweetie. Eat a candy bar. KIRK: This is but a crisis of faith. TAYLOR: I said not now, Kirk. ANDREW: Let him talk. What's the harm? KIRK: When the road to your destination is revealed to be long and dusty, is your destination's value so diminished? TAYLOR: Well, I suppose not, but still - KIRK: If a storm mars your camp for the night, is it wise to search for high ground or hold your camp 'til the light of new day? MISS PATTY: Well, it's something to think about. KIRK: A crisis of faith can be delivered, but one must believe to be delivered. [Lorelai and Sookie walk over to Luke] LUKE: No way am I building that table out for them, no way. LORELAI: Anyone ask you to, Jose? LUKE: Nope, but they're going to. LORELAI: They'll just get Tom to do it. LUKE: The contractor? No, he's too busy with his own stuff. You having twins? SOOKIE: No. LUKE: You sure? SOOKIE: Uh, let me think about it for another millisecond - no! LUKE: It looks like you're having twins. SOOKIE: You're gonna make me fall in love with you, Luke. LUKE: It would take me hours. LORELAI: What would? LUKE: The table. It's gotta be built out in forced perspective. It's complicated. LORELAI: Throw a stick and you can find someone to fix that table. LUKE: So grab a stick and throw it because I'm not doing it. LORELAI: No one asked you to. LUKE: Not yet. SOOKIE: I'm hungry. Let's get something. LORELAI: Whoa, check out the group. There might be loaves and fishes. SOOKIE: Hm. I had fish last night. KIRK: . . .Do not heed the naysayers. They will not lead you down the proper road. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory pulls up out front. Babette walks over to her] BABETTE: Hey, Rory. Dig the sounds coming from that garage. RORY: They sound amazing. BABETTE: I was over there before. That new guitarist - yum yum, like a long-haired cake. RORY: Sounds like a winner. BABETTE: You gonna check him out? RORY: Yeah, Lane called and asked me to come down and drink in the whole picture. BABETTE: Well, I got dibs on the new hunk. Rrrr! [Rory walks to the garage and watches the band play] GIL: Really tight, guys, but it's getting late. I gotta go. ZACH: Go rest. LANE: Hey, uh, Gil, this is my friend Rory. It's her house. RORY: Hey, you guys sound great. GIL: Don't you think? These guys are gonna be as good as Pink Floyd. ZACH: Nice topical reference. GIL: Well, Lane, you got my number? LANE: Yeah, Gil, I've got your number. GIL: Great. So, we'll talk later? LANE: We'll talk later. GIL: Take it easy. LANE: Bye. [Gil leaves] LANE: Okay, Zach, shut up for a minute. I want to hear what Rory has to say. I didn't tell her what she was walking into, so she's our fresh eyes here. RORY: He's great. ZACH: And. . . RORY: Experienced. And, um, Babette thinks he's really cute, so she's got dibs, and, um, he moves great. The jump was cool. ZACH: I was afraid he was gonna break a hip. LANE: Well, he's our only prospect. BRIAN: And maybe that schoolboy outfit's worth a shot. LANE: Yeah? ZACH: Look, you're all fooling yourselves here. Bottom line - dude rocks, but dude's too old. I vote "no." LANE: Okay, I guess that's that, then. ZACH: That's that. LANE: And that could be that for the band. ZACH: That could be that, too. LANE: Okay. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [There's a knock at the door in the middle of the night. Lorelai walks down the steps] LORELAI: Identify yourself! SOOKIE: It's me! LORELAI: Who? SOOKIE: Me! LORELAI: Sookie? SOOKIE: It's not coming out! LORELAI: My God, it's one in the morning. [Lorelai opens the door and Sookie walks in] SOOKIE: It's lodged in there! It's stuck, for God's sake! It's not coming out! LORELAI: You're insane. SOOKIE: And it's growing all the time, just getting bigger and bigger. I've forgotten what it's like not to be expanding. I'll get so huge, I'll be the fat guy in "Monty Python's Meaning of Life." I'll explode and slime the whole room. People could die. LORELAI: Honey, sit down, wrap this around you. SOOKIE: Ooh! That Andrew. I hate that he was right, that pasty-faced b*st*rd! LORELAI: Right about what? SOOKIE: Oh, no, I can't sit. LORELAI: Right about what? SOOKIE: I looked up an elephant's gestation period - 22 months! LORELAI: You're not an elephant. SOOKIE: But Baby doesn't know that. LORELAI: Why would Baby think you're an elephant? SOOKIE: Because he's tiny and stupid and floating around in a sack of fluid. He doesn't know his butt from a hole in the ground. LORELAI: What happened? SOOKIE: You know, an elephant squirted me once at the zoo. Maybe it shot something on me - some kind of elephant-gestation juice. LORELAI: Honey, I mean tonight. What happened? You were fine when I left you. Where did the freak-out come from? SOOKIE: Are you listening? It's not coming out! The ship's too big and the bottle's too small! LORELAI: You have to sit down and rest. SOOKIE: For two hours, I've been doing everything I can to make it come out. I mean, I've jumped, jiggled, shimmied. LORELAI: Add a feather boa and I could book you on the burlesque circuit. SOOKIE: My pain is funny to you. LORELAI: No, but you should not be hopscotching all around town trying to get the baby out. That's not how it works. SOOKIE: This is my mother's fault. She fed me too much roughage as a kid. Bran and granola and rapini. And now my insides are all rough and grabby, and Davey can't work his way out of my sandpaper innards. I want booze. I want a Manhattan and a scotch and a beer and a Rob Roy and a sidecar. But I can't, and I'm mad about that. I want to give birth! LORELAI: I would give you a hug if you would sit still for one second. SOOKIE: Yours came out. How'd you get yours out? LORELAI: I swallowed a map. SOOKIE: Cut the freaking vagueness. Why is it you mothers don't want to pass down your wisdom to other mothers? You're selfish. LORELAI: Please, stop jiggling. SOOKIE: Not 'til I'm skinny. LORELAI: All right, bouncy San Pedro, can I just show you something here? SOOKIE: You can show me your sweet tokus as long as I can keep jiggling. LORELAI: Fine, keep jiggling. I was just going through something, I thought you might be interested. It's from 1984. SOOKIE: The book? LORELAI: No, the year. It's my baby box. It's full of all these little things, mementos and stuff from the night Rory was born. I haven't taken it out in ages. SOOKIE: Mine's not getting a box because mine's not coming out. LORELAI: Mm. My walkman with the homemade compilation tape still in it. "99 Luft Balloons," some R.E.M., some Thompson Twins. SOOKIE: I never cared for them. LORELAI: The magazine I was reading that night, with a special feature on who's hotter - Andrew McCarthy or Emilio Estevez. SOOKIE: They're both dogs. LORELAI: My Bubblicious-gum necklace, my Chunky wrapper. SOOKIE: Ooh, I do like the Chunky's. I'd like bourbon better, but I do like the Chunky's. LORELAI: John's digits. SOOKIE: John who? LORELAI: He was volunteering at the hospital for high school credit. He said, "Call me when you get your figure back." SOOKIE: Sweet-talker. And for me, it was always Emilio 'cause he was kind of nasty. LORELAI: Same here. Rory's first jumper. SOOKIE: Bananarama? LORELAI: I made it out of one of my t-shirts. It was the first thing I ever made her - ever made, ever. It was post-Gilmore economy. Look how tiny. SOOKIE: Tiny. LORELAI: She was the most beautiful pink all over. She even smelled pink. That sounds weird. I can't describe it - that little, pink, baby smell. The first time her eyes focused on me and her little fingers reached out. . .I was someone new. She had me. SOOKIE: Emilio. LORELAI: Rory. CUT TO BACKSTAGE AT THE FESTIVAL MISS PATTY: We're five minutes away from the starting gate, people. Five minutes. RORY: Oh, my God, you guys look so cute. You know, it was just seven short years ago that I was a little Chinese acrobat just like you. KID: You smell! RORY: And we respected our elders when I was a little Chinese acrobat. ANDREW: I hate kids. KIRK: Lookin' good, lookin' good. TROUBADOUR: Hey everybody, big night, huh? Hi, Kirk. KIRK: Hello. TROUBADOUR: Anyone sitting here? KIRK: Yes. You have to go somewhere else. TROUBADOUR: But Miss Patty said I - KIRK: You have to go somewhere else! TROUBADOUR: Okay. KIRK: Perhaps there's an empty chair next to one of your friends, say, the high priest Caiaphas? Maybe he can accommodate you, hm? TROUBADOUR: I guess so. LORELAI: Hey, Rory, one of those little acrobat boys told me my breath smells stinky. They're running wild. RORY: Acro-brats, I call them. LORELAI: Ha, nice! RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: Got your ferret. RORY: Oh, he looks mean. LORELAI: Aw, I don't think there's any such thing as a friendly ferret and definitely not a cute one. RORY: Yeah, they got dealt a rough card, those ferrets. LORELAI: Oh, hey, art nouveau clock girl, hands off the face. TAYLOR: What? Art nouveau clock girl touched her face? This place is bedlam. MISS PATTY: Oh, relax, Taylor. We're right on schedule. Have a cigarette. TAYLOR: I don't smoke. MISS PATTY: Could you start? LORELAI: Taylor, look, your cousin came to visit you backstage to say hello. [high-pitched voice] Oh, hello! What a pretty night it is for a festival! Do you have a mouse? I'm feeling a bit peckish. TAYLOR: Put that down. LORELAI: Just trying to lighten the mood. TAYLOR: It's too late. That Hank from Woodbury is sitting front-row center just trying to psych me out. LORELAI: Everybody's ready, Taylor, really. TAYLOR: I hope everybody is ready. LORELAI: [high pitched voice] Hey, let's all be friends. Can I nibble your neck? MISS PATTY: He's really got his knickers in a twist tonight. RORY: Hey, talk more like a ferret. LORELAI: Sorry, time to attach it. MISS PATTY: So, is Sookie okay? LORELAI: Oh, she's great. Still big, still waiting, but she's fine. MISS PATTY: Oh, good. RORY: Was she the one shaking me in the middle of the night yelling, "what motivated you to come out of your mother" over and over? LORELAI: She got a little spooked. There. Wow. You're beautiful, Anthea. RORY: I feel very painty. LORELAI: I gotta go change. Freeze good. RORY: I will. KIRK: The time approaches. I am ready. LORELAI: Aw. You might want to check that Gumby/Pokey watch, Kirk. KIRK: Right. Sorry. And it's a collectible, not a toy. It's an adult, uh. . .it's very valuable. CUT TO THE STAGE [Taylor walks up to the podium] TAYLOR: Ladies and gentlemen, I am Taylor Doose. Welcome to the 43rd annual Connecticut Festival of Living Pictures. [applause] As you may know, the town of Woodbury was supposed to host this year's festival, but due to their recent flooding, Woodbury backed out. They got a little moisture over there and basically said, "Oh, well, whatever, never mind." But the town of Stars Hollow was happy to step in because this vital tradition must continue. [applause] "The Festival of Living Pictures" has a storied history... [cut to backstage] ANDREW: Cecilia - that's a very pretty name. Very pretty. MISS PATTY: Keep it in your pants, Andrew. Okay, listen up, people. The fire department is out here because some dingbat parked in the red zone. Now, I warned you guys about parking there. So, who is it? Come on, speak up or you're gonna be towed. Who is it? TROUBADOUR: I saw it when I came in, I think that's Kirk's. KIRK: You Judas! MISS PATTY: Go move it, Kirk! TROUBADOUR: Just trying to help. KIRK: Shouldn't you kiss me on the cheek before you betray me? TROUBADOUR: You're gonna get towed. KIRK: Just keep away from me, pal! TROUBADOUR: You know, I'm getting a little tired of this holier-than-thou attitude of yours. KIRK: I mean it. MISS PATTY: Rory, go, go, you're on. Hey, art nouveau clock girl, you got your Zippo on you? [cut to the stage] TAYLOR: Our first tableau was created by the talented craftsmen in our little town. It is a painting by the Italian master Girolamo Parmigianino. He was born in Parma and was of the mannerist school, becoming a master portraitist, blending the sensual style with the classical style of Raphael, as you can see in his "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea." [applause] [cut to backstage] MISS PATTY: Five minutes to "The Last Supper", people, five minutes. Oh, my God! Christ, Judas, stop fighting! Shame you apostles, why couldn't you get in there and stop 'em? KIRK: If I've re-pulled my calf muscle, you are so getting it! TROUBADOUR: So perform a miracle and unpull it, you jerk! KIRK: You're a blasphemer! You're a blasphemer and a traitor! And let's face it, you're unattractive. MISS PATTY: Okay, we got no time for this. Get your butts on that stage! And, apostles, keep Christ and Judas apart! [cut to the stage] TAYLOR: Da vinci's "Last Supper" has become one of the most revered masterpieces in the world. This majestic fresco was completed in 1498 and its prestige has never diminished. [cut to backstage] TROUBADOUR: You've been a jerk from the start! What about Shakey's? You all went out without me, and you lied about it. KIRK: You're imagining things. TROUBADOUR: Well, Simon Peter said so. James, the son of Alpheus, Lebbeus - they all said so. KIRK: When did you speak with Lebbeus? MISS PATTY: God help me, if you two don't shut up, I'm gonna stick these papier-mché rolls down your throats! That's it! That's it! Curtain! [cut to the stage] TAYLOR: And so now may we present "The Last Supper." [applause] [Rory walks up to Lane in the audience] RORY: So I was good? The ferret didn't upstage me? LANE: The ferret underplayed it nicely. RORY: Hey, isn't that that guitarist? LANE: It is. It's Gil. Rats, I was gonna call him tomorrow with the bad news. RORY: Well, you could just walk away rudely. LANE: I'll say a quick hello and tell him I'll call him tomorrow. [Lane walks over to Gil] GIL: Hey, Lane. Trippy, huh? LANE: Totally. How you doin', Gil? GIL: Great. I saw the flyers, I thought I'd come check it out. LANE: Cool, great, yeah. GIL: Hey, don't sweat it, okay? LANE: What do you mean? GIL: It's okay. I know I'm not in the band. LANE: Oh. GIL: I picked up the vibe. The age difference - it doesn't bother me, but it's a little weird, I know. LANE: Maybe a little. GIL: It's cool, really. LANE: Good. Well, you're a great guy, Gil, and a great guitarist. Someone's gonna scoop you up quick. GIL: I hope so. I'm gonna keep going no matter what, not like last time. LANE: Last time? GIL: Yeah. I had another band, a great band, the hottest band in L.A. We sold out all the clubs - The House of Blues, The Whiskey. A&R guys were hanging out. We had an awesome demo with tunes. Then we got our big break - an opening slot on a national tour with Quiet Riot. LANE: Wow! GIL: But we blew it. We were fighting all the time over money, over chicks. We broke up before the tour even started. LANE: Oh no. GIL: It killed me. I didn't touch my Axe for years. I just got a day gig and lived my life. Then a few months ago, I picked up my guitar, and I realized how much I missed it. So I went out looking again, and that's how you got my tape. LANE: Wow. GIL: But I'm not stopping this time for anything. I'm gonna keep going until it happens. But thanks for letting me play with you guys. It was a blast. You're fantastic. LANE: Well, get used to playing with us, Gil, 'cause you're in the band. GIL: Really? LANE: Really. GIL: No way! LANE: Way. GIL: Oh, my God! This is so cool! I can't believe it. LANE: I'll call you tomorrow, okay? GIL: Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Honey, kids, I am in the band! Yes! [Lane walks back over to Rory] LANE: Our guitarist is married. RORY: You made his kids happy, too. CUT TO THE STAGE TROUBADOUR: You guys watched the first two "Matrix"s on DVD together, too. I heard all about it. KIRK: Get away from me. TAYLOR: "The Last Supper," ladies and gentlemen. Serene, wasn't it? CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Luke is cleaning up when Nicole walks in] LUKE: Better order quick. We're closing. . .soon. NICOLE: Surprise. LUKE: I'll say. NICOLE: Lots of nuttiness going on out there. LUKE: Yeah, it's the festival of nutty pictures, so. . . NICOLE: You successfully avoid the nuttiness? LUKE: Yeah, for the most part, yeah. Christ's table was broken, so I fixed it. NICOLE: He's a carpenter, he should have fixed it himself. LUKE: Yeah, well. . . NICOLE: Speaking of nutty. . .all this, you and me. LUKE: Yeah. NICOLE: If it were happening to anyone else, I'd laugh. LUKE: About what? NICOLE: Well, getting married is what broke us up. You gotta love the irony. LUKE: Yeah, it is a little ironic. NICOLE: Luke, I'm not gonna say that getting married on that ship like we did wasn't wrong. We should have thought more about it, but maybe rushing into divorce would be just as wrong. LUKE: What are you talking about? NICOLE: Well, we're still you and me. Why can't we have what we had before? LUKE: Which was? NICOLE: Two people who loved being together. LUKE: We're in the middle of a divorce. NICOLE: We can postpone it. LUKE: We can? NICOLE: I'm a lawyer, I know these things. LUKE: Postpone it and do what? NICOLE: Date. LUKE: Date? NICOLE: Remember? That was the fun part. LUKE: So what you're saying is we get back together, not divorced, but not be married, either? NICOLE: I guess. I know it sounds stupid, but it doesn't feel stupid, does it? CUT TO THE FESTIVAL TAYLOR: Picasso's "Guernica," everybody. Wasn't that something? Our next work is found in the gardens of Versailles in the country of our former ally, France. It is one of more than two thousand sculptures to be found in that famed garden. I'd like to turn your attention now to our town's beloved gazebo for "The Reaper." [cut to backstage] MISS PATTY: Okay, our statue's done. Stamp it, ship it. Terrence and Lorelai, our Renoir couple, you're up next. Be ready. LORELAI: Okay, I'm just about done here, Patty. Just give me one second. MISS PATTY: Okay, I'm just saying, two-minute warning. Terrence, get into place. My aching feet will never forgive me. RORY: You ready for your close-up, Miss Desmond? LORELAI: Just about. RORY: Grand finale. It's a great way to close this thing. LORELAI: You know, I don't know why everybody's rushing me like this. RORY: Mom. . .you okay? LORELAI: Yeah. No. RORY: No? LORELAI: My heart is going a million miles a second. I feel hot. Is my makeup running? RORY: No, Mom, you look great. What's wrong? LORELAI: I flinched. RORY: What? LORELAI: Seven years ago on this very stage in this very costume, I flinched. RORY: No, you didn't. LORELAI: Yes, I did. You weren't watching. I was in denial. I just didn't want Taylor to be right, but he was. I flinched. RORY: Well, so what? You flinched a little. I bet most people didn't see it. LORELAI: Stevie Wonder could have seen it. I almost knocked Terrence down. I flinched. I am a big, fat flincher! RORY: But that was a long time ago. LORELAI: Once a flincher, always a flincher. RORY: No, no, Mom. That was seven years ago. You're different now. LORELAI: Yeah, I am. I'm less stable. My muscles are weaker and my bones are more fragile. There are a dozen more ways for me to wobble now. I'm a Weeble, and Weebles wobble. I'm gonna blow the whole finale and the town is gonna hate me. RORY: Mom, listen, you are in amazing physical shape. This is mental. You can beat it. LORELAI: How? RORY: 'Cause you can. LORELAI: No specifics? RORY: Not really. LORELAI: Well, I need something. RORY: Close your eyes and think of England. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: And know that I love you no matter what happens up there and go be still. LORELAI: England, England. RORY: England. MISS PATTY: She's not gonna flinch, is she? Is she? [cut to the stage] TAYLOR: . . . made Pierre Auguste Renoir one of the world's most beloved painters. So to close our triumphant evening, we give you his incomparable "Dance at Bougival." [applause] RORY: Good girl. Keep it up. [Sookie's baby pager goes off] RORY: Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. MISS PATTY: What the hell is that? RORY: It's Sookie's baby pager. MISS PATTY: Oy to the vey! ["The Entertainer" continues playing from the pager] MISS PATTY: I can't look. RORY: Keep frozen. Keep frozen. MISS PATTY: What's happening? That's it. Curtain! TAYLOR: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for making tonight such a success. On behalf of the town of Stars Hollow, we bid you adieu from "The Festival of Living Pictures." [applause] [Lorelai and Rory run toward Sookie's house]

Plan: A: a home birth; Q: What kind of birth do Sookie and Jackson decide to have? A: a formidable midwife; Q: What kind of midwife did Sookie and Jackson hire? A: Stars Hollow; Q: Where does the festival take place? A: Kirk; Q: Who goes overboard in getting into character for his role as Jesus in "The Last Supper"? A: Jesus; Q: Who does Kirk play in the living pictures? A: Lorelai; Q: Who has stage fright? A: an awesome guitarist; Q: What did Lane, Zach, and Brian find? A: Nicole; Q: Who asks Luke if they can postpone the divorce and start dating again? A: 3; Q: How many Emmy Awards did Gilmore Girls win? Summary: Sookie and Jackson decide to have a home birth and enlist the services of a formidable midwife. When Stars Hollow mounts a festival of living pictures, Kirk goes way overboard in getting into character for his role as Jesus in "The Last Supper", while Lorelai has a bad case of stage fright. Meanwhile, Lane, Zach, and Brian finally find an awesome guitarist to replace Dave, but wonder if he isn't too old to join the band. Nicole asks Luke if they can postpone the divorce and start dating again. Note: This episode won the show's only Emmy Award , for Outstanding Makeup for a Series (non-prosthetic). [3]

[Scene: Doctor's Office. Dawson is in finishing an exam.] Dawson: Just a complete loss of control. So there's nothing wrong with me? Dr. Reiss: Everything is fine, kiddo. Blood, EKG, all normal. Anything else I should know about? Dawson: I, um... I've been having these episodes. Uh, well, attacks, really... where I get all sweaty and I feel like I'm gonna pass out. Dr. Reiss: Have you ever passed out? Dawson: No, but... I've come close. Dr. Reiss: How long has this been going on? Dawson: Um, a couple of weeks. Dr. Reiss: [Sighs] Dawson... how long has it been since your father died? Dawson: About a month. Am I going crazy? Dr. Reiss: You're not crazy, Dawson. Stress manifests itself in all kinds of ways, and anything as significant as the loss of a parent could easily trigger what you're experiencing. Dawson: I don't think it's that, though. I mean, you know, it was... tough, but I've been dealing as well as anyone could. Dr. Reiss: Well, these episodes could be how you're dealing. Look, this-- this isn't my area, but I know a doctor in Boston who I think can help you. She specializes in things like this... grief, loss of a loved one. Dawson: You mean a shrink? Dr. Reiss: Yeah. [He talks into his intercom] Tracy... Dawson needs to see dr. Weir. Weir is the best in Boston. Dawson: Is there someone closer? 'Cause I really have to kind of stay near my mom. Dr. Reiss: The only other place would be in providence. Look...trust me. Weir is worth the trip. [Tracy comes in carrying a note] Tracy: You're all set. 5:00 tomorrow. Dr. Reiss: Dr. Reiss: Great. Let me know how it goes. Dawson: All right. Thanks. Joey: Hey. Audrey: Hey. Joey: Do you need me to take you to the health center? Audrey: What? No, why? Joey: You're cleaning. Audrey: Oh, right, right. I get it. That's a joke, right? Wow. Joey potter made a joke. Maybe I should take you to the health center. Joey: [Laughs] Seriously... what is with this Martha Stewart routine? Audrey: [Sighs] My mother. Joey: What about her? Audrey: She's in town for a day, and she's coming to visit. Joey: You mean I get to meet the woman responsible for bringing you into this world? This should be fun. Audrey: [Sighs] Joey: Or not. Audrey: No, Joey. Not fun. Not even a distant relative of fun. In fact, probably about as far down on the fun family tree as you could possibly get. Joey: So I take it you two have some issues. Audrey: [Sighs] You ever seen a little movie called mommie dearest? This woman has, like, systematically destroyed my self-esteem, ok? Joey: You don't strike me as lacking self-esteem. Audrey: Ha, well... just wait and see. This time tomorrow, I'll be like a shadow of my former self. Joey: I think you're exaggerating a bit. Audrey: We're talking about a woman, here, so self-involved and insecure that she used to borrow my clothes and hit on my boyfriends. She's like a menace to society, an enemy of daughters everywhere. Brace yourself, Jo. Something wicked this way comes. Joey: Dawson hasn't called, has he? Audrey: Like I would forget to tell you. Ok, right. I probably would. But no, he hasn't. [Scene: Inside Pacey's boat. Jen is sitting on a bench while Pacey is cleaning up.] Jen: [sighs] "She's my sister?" How could I be so stupid? I thought she was his sister. Well, maybe she was his sister, but the other girl? No, definitely not. Unless, of course, they had some sort of sick flowers in the attic thing going, which, at this point, I mean, I wouldn't put past him. Men are such dogs. Pacey: That we are. Jen: No, it'd be better if they went up to you, sniffed your butt, and peed on you, 'cause they're gonna do it anyway, metaphorically speaking. [] What is this? Pacey: It's a long story. Jen: And you know what the worst part is? I've become a cliché. I mean, is there anything more trite than blaming a cheating boyfriend on the wayward nature of men when the real culprit here is--it's my own naiveté. Pacey: I thought this stuff was normally jack's area of expertise. Jen: Jack, well... jack, I haven't spoken to in weeks. He's too busy guzzling beer with his neander-creep frat brothers. Pacey: [Laughs] Ok. Well, the way I see the situation, you got 2 options... you can either get angry, which, clearly, you've already done. Jen: Or? Pacey: Or you could get even. [Scene: The restaurant. Pacey is filling up a soup bowl when Karen comes up to him] Karen: Mmm... I was under the impression that the only food the employees were allowed to eat in this restaurant was the staff meal. Pacey: Well, today is my day off, so technically, I'm not an employee. Karen: Well, then I might have to charge you. Pacey: With what? Possession of stolen bisque? Karen: Heh heh...clever. But it's not bisque, it's chowder. Pacey: Well, whatever it is, it's mine. Karen: You just think you can have whatever you want in this restaurant, don't you? Pacey: Well, obviously not whatever I want. Karen: [Laughs] [Pacey goes and sits down at the counter, and Brecher comes up and hands him his paycheck.] Brecher: Here you go, Witter. Don't spend it all in one place. Pacey: Not only do I get to be the subject of your scorn and derision, but I get paid for it. [] I found that on the boat. I think your wife must've left it there. Brecher: Right, thanks... which reminds me, uh... speaking of that boat of yours... Pacey: yeah, what about it? Brecher: How about letting me use it again sometime, like... tonight? Pacey: Um, you know what? Tonight is just not a very good night. Brecher: Pacey, come on. Hey, I'll give you the night off. Pacey: Well, I already have the night off. Brecher: Well, then, uh... there's gotta be something that I can do that'll change your mind. Pacey: [Laughs] You know...I'd love to help you out, but I'm throwing this party tonight for a friend, so I just can't. Karen: Hear that, everyone? Pacey's throwing a party tonight. Guys: Party! Whoo! All right! Yeah! Heh heh heh. [All the people in the restaurant start cheering.] [Scene: Dawson's House. Dawson sits down and picks up the phone, pauses then dials a number. Joey's cell phone rings a couple of times and just as Dawson is about to hang up, Joey answers.] [Cell phone rings] Joey: Hello? Dawson: Joey, hey. It's me. Joey: Dawson. Hey, how are you? Dawson: Uh, hey... I'm sorry it's-- it's taken me a while to get back to you. I've been, uh... I've, you know, had my hands full around here. Joey: Oh, that's what I figured, um... how've you been? Dawson: Uh, you know, I've been fine... I guess... Joey: you know? Dawson, um...you can— Dawson: so, uh... listen, I think I might be in town this weekend. Joey: Really? That's great, um... do you need a place to stay? Dawson: No, I'm gonna-- I think I'm just gonna stay with Jack and Jen. Joey: Oh, um... it's probably just as well. Uh, Audrey's mom is coming into town, so... Dawson: oh, ok. So... yeah. I... so, how about I, uh... I'll just-- I'll give you a call when I get into town. Joey: Sounds good. Dawson: All right. Bye. Joey: Bye. [Scene: Joey's Dorm Room. Audrey is standing on a scale as her mother is looking down trying to read it] Audrey: Fine. Look. Are you happy now? Is it any wonder that I hate myself? Kay : Oh, you are such a drama queen, Audrey. Audrey: Ah ha. Right. This from Stella Adler herself. Kay : Hello, dear. Joey: Hi. Audrey: Joey, this is my mother. Mother, this is Joey potter. Kay : Oh, I have heard so much about you, dear. It's such a pleasure to meet you. Joey: It's very nice meeting you. Kay : Oh, you have such a cute little figure. Did you ever do any modeling? Joey: Uh, no. Audrey: If you're wondering why I was standing on that scale, it's because crazy woman here thinks I've gained 10 pounds. Kay : That's not what I said, Audrey. 5, maybe. Audrey: Mom, do you have any idea how long it's taken me to feel good about my body? Kay : And there's no reason you shouldn't, sweetie. It's just a known fact that college freshmen tend to pack on the lbs. Joey, how old do I look to you? Audrey: Oh! Joey: Excuse me? Kay : Oh, I'm putting you on the spot. I understand this. Allow me to rephrase. Do I look more like Audrey's mother or Audrey's sister? Be honest. Joey: Uh... [Sighs] Definitely Audrey's sister. Kay : Exactly. And do you know why that is? Because I take excellent care of myself. Your body is your friend and should be treated as such. Audrey: Ok, just shoot me. Please? Will you just shoot me right now? Kay : You must come to dinner with us. Joey: Oh, uh... actually I can't— Audrey: Joey? Did you check out the leak in the bathroom? Joey: What leak? The leak leak. [Audrey drags Joey into the bathroom.] Audrey: I'm sorry. I can't believe you told her she looks like my sister. Joey: What was I supposed to say? And I have to admit, she does look young. Audrey: Yeah, thanks to her 2 best friends, collagen and botox. Joey, I can't make it through tonight alone with her. You have to come with us to dinner. Joey: I can't. I'm waiting for a call from Dawson. Audrey: You have a cell phone. Joey: But we're supposed to go out later. Audrey: That's later. I need you now. Joey: Audrey... [Sighs] Audrey: Joey... thank you. You're a lifesaver. [Scene: Grams' House. Dawson comes into the house calling out for anyone.] Dawson: Hello? Jen: Dawson. What are you doing here? Dawson: I was in the neighborhood. Figured I would drop by, see how you guys were doing. Jen: Well, you should've told me that you were coming. I would've had grams bake you a cake. Dawson: Ah, that's fine. Speaking of grams, do you think she'd mind if I crashed here tonight? Jen: No, of course not. You ok? Dawson: Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. [Jack comes down the stairs and hugs him] Jack: Hey, I thought I heard a familiar voice. Hey, man. How's it going? Good to see you, man. Dawson: Good to see you. Jen: Listen, I gotta run, but, uh, you and I will talk later. [Jen grabs her coat to leave.] Dawson: All right, where ya going? Jen: Mm...nowhere. Dawson: You look pretty smokin' for a girl who's going nowhere. Jen: Well, thank you. I'll take the compliment and subtly defer the question to a later date. Dawson: Yeah, you subtly defer that question, Jen. Jack: Actually, I'm, uh, I'm outta here, too. I'm goin' down to the house to hang out with the guys. You want to go? Dawson: You know what? That sounds great. Jack: Really? Dawson: Yeah... as long as I'm not intruding. Jack: [Snorts] You kidding me? Come on, let's go. Dawson: All right. [Scene outside Charlie's room. Jen comes up and knocks on the door.] Charlie: Who is it? Jen: Jen, your most willing girl-servant. [Charlie opens the door standing in the opening.] Charlie: Hey. Jen: Hey. Charlie: What are you doing here? Jen: Don't look so surprised. We had plans to rock your world. Charlie: Well, I thought we were gonna rock my world tomorrow. Jen: Oh. You know what? You're right. I really gotta get one of those palm pilot thingies, keep track of all my liaisons. Oh, well. Just so long as you're here and I'm here... what are your thoughts on getting naked? Charlie: Uh, actually, Jen... now is not the best time. Jen: Ok. I get it. You don't want me. Do you know what that's like for a girl, Charlie? To offer one's self and be rejected? It's horrible. Charlie: Come on. No, no, no. It's just that I have this midterm, and I haven't even started studying. Ok? Jen: I understand. I'm just gonna go get my sweater. Charlie: No, wait, wait, uh... what? Sweater, uh... what--what sweater? Jen: That one that I left here that one time. Charlie: Oh, right, um... your sweater, um... it's--it's not in there. Jen: It's not? Charlie: Uh, it's at the dry cleaners. [Laughs] I had it dry-cleaned. I'm really good like that. Jen: Oh... ok. [Nora walks out of the bathroom.] Nora: Who are you? Jen: I'm Charlie's girlfriend. Who are you? Nora: I'm Charlie's girlfriend. [Scene: The frat house. There is a party going on and Jack and Dawson are standing around a table with other guys drinking from pitchers of beer] Guy1: You ready? Guy2: You ready? Guy1: Here we go. Guys: All right, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Drink! Drink! Drink! Mmm. [Dawson grabs the pitcher from Jack finishes it and slams it down on the table a second before the guy across from him] [Scene: A fancy restaurant. Audrey, Joey, and Kay are sitting down eating.] Kay : Oh, that looks good. Audrey: Thanks. Kay : Is that a cream sauce? Audrey: It's a Dijon. Kay : Oh, looks like cream. Have you been working out? Audrey: No, mother, I hate working out. You know that. Kay : Well, I walked 6 miles in the soft sand before getting on the plane this morning. My sciatic is killing me. Audrey: That's great, mom. Kay : Are you being sarcastic? Audrey: It was kidding. Kay : Are you asking me or telling me, 'cause your voice goes up at the end like it's a question, but I have a sneaking suspicion you're not looking for an answer. Audrey: I think it's called up talking. I wasn't aware that's what I was doing. Kay : Well, you should be. Because it makes you sound like A... California blonde. Joey: Will you excuse me? I have to... make a phone call. Kay : Sure. [Joey gets up and goes to the other side of the restaurant and tries to make a call to Dawson] [Cell phone rings] [Dawson looks down to his phone and sees that it is Joey calling and then puts the phone back in his pocket.] Guy: Dawson. You ready? Round 2, brother. Dawson: Let's do it. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Charlie's room. Jen and Nora are sitting on the bed as Charlie walks over to them] Jen: I'm curious, Charlie. How exactly did you think that you were gonna get away with this? Charlie: Get away with what, exactly? Nora: Having your cake and eating it, too. Charlie: Now, why is what you just said so arousing to me? Jen: Don't be glib, Charlie. Glib makes me mad. Glib makes me want to smash some of your very precious vinyl. Charlie: Ok, ok. All right. Look, guys, we never had that talk. Nora: What talk? Charlie: We never discussed commitment of any kind. Jen: Who never discussed commitment? Charlie: You and me... and you and me. Look, come on, guys. This is college. You know how it is. Jen: No, tell us, Charlie. How is it? Charlie: It's about meeting new people... experiencing new things. Look, here's the thing... all right, I never meant for any of this to happen. I truly didn't. I met both of you on the same night at that party... and then this stuff just happened. I mean, the only thing I can say at this point... is... I'm sorry. I'm--I'm truly sorry. I never meant to hurt either of you. But can I make a suggestion? You and me... and me and you is pretty much over... kaput. All right, this much I know. We can't go back to the way things were. But... we can go forward. Nora: What does that mean? Charlie: I mean, look at the facts, all right? I like you... and, uh, I like you... and once upon a time, you both liked me. All right? So I propose-- tell me if I'm crazy, here-- that, um... we all like each other at the same time. [Scene: The Fancy restaurant. Joey has returned to the table and they are talking together] Audrey: So... they're doing a production of the seagull at school. I'm thinking of auditioning. Kay: Really? That's great. Did Audrey tell you that she acted a bit as a child? Joey: Yeah, I've been meaning to rent the movie she was in. Audrey: You're not missing much. Kay: Do you miss it, honey? Audrey: No. I can think of better ways to feel bad about myself. Kay: Well, I miss it. Joey: You were an actress? Kay: Model, actress... whatever. Audrey: She was the Gisele of her time. Kay: Hardly. But, there were a lot of shows and a couple of covers here and there, but acting... that's what I really wanted for myself. Audrey: You know, if you look closely, you can see her in an old a-team episode. Kay: Actually, I was up for a Scorsese movie when I found out I was pregnant with Audrey. Audrey: That's pretty much why she hates me... I ruined her career. Kay: That's not true, dear. I wasn't very good. You, you were good. Audrey: I suck. Kay: You do not, Audrey. You just lacked focus. You know, acting requires a great deal of discipline, something you've never had. Audrey: That's not true, mom. Kay: Audrey, please. Since you were a little girl, flitting from one thing to the next--toys, boys, schools. Do you have any idea how many private schools Audrey's been to in the last 4 ye— Audrey: mom, really, I don't think Joey wants to hear about this. Kay: 6! In 4 years, which must be some kind of record. Each one ending in lurid scandal. Audrey: Mom? Please, stop. You're embarrassing me. Kay: Oh, I'm embarrassing you? I'm so sorry, Audrey, but... I don't really think you know what it's like to be embarrassed, not until you have to shell out a 6-figure donation to some hoity-toity new England college just so they'll even consider your daughter... whose academic record is the very definition of embarrassing. You know, the fact that you're here at Worthington at all is a miracle, Audrey. You might learn to appreciate it. Joey: You know what, Mrs. Liddell? Kay: Kay, please. Joey: You know, Kay, um, I've sat here this entire meal and listened to you do nothing but cut down your daughter. And I don't know if you're just upset with her because she's not what you want her to be, or because she's 18 and you're not. Audrey may be dramatic, but at least she's never boring. And she may be interested in a lot of different things, but that just makes her well-rounded. And as far as discipline goes, she obviously has a great deal because no matter what you seem to say to her, she somehow manages to grin and bear it. As you can see, I don't really have that kind of discipline. Audrey, let's go. There's a party. [Scene: Charlie's room. The three of them are sitting on the bed talking still] Jen: What do you say, Nora? Nora: I'm game if you are, Jen. Charlie: All right, so, what do you say we get this party started? Jen: All right. Um... here's what's gonna happen. You go stand up over there. Charlie: All right. Nora: Come on, baby! Charlie: All right, so what now? Jen: Strip. Charlie: You first. Jen: You know what, Nora, let's leave. Nora: Yeah, let's get out of here. Charlie: No-no-no-no-no. Don't go. Don't go. All right. Whatever you want. All right, I'll go first. Never let it be said that Charlie Todd was lacking in chivalry. Jen and Nora: Ooh. Ah. Ohh. Oh, don't stop there. A-ahem. Ohh. Mm. Jen: I do believe you have one garment left. Charlie: Uh-uh. See, now it's your turn. Jen: Oh, no-no-no-no. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. This is not tit for tat here. Make no mistake-- we're holding the cards. Now... shut up and get naked. Charlie: Whew. Ok. Ok. It's not something both you girls ain't seen before. Nora: Oh, yes. [Charlie removes the last of his clothes, and Jen turns to Nora.] Jen: You ready? Nora: You bet. Jen: Ok. Now, you, close your eyes. Charlie: Why? Jen: Because it's our turn, silly. We're shy. Charlie: God, this is so cool. Nora: Mm-hmm, lookin' good. So good. Jen: Lookin' good, baby. Move all the way back. Charlie: Ooh. Wow. Jen: You ready for us, Charlie? Charlie: Oh, yeah. [] Hey, what are you doing? Hey, come on! Hey, get back here. Are you listenin' to me? Jen: Bye, Charlie. Nora: Bye, Charlie. Charlie: Hey, the two of you, get back here! Hey, come on. Move it along. Nothing to see here. [The push him out into the hall where there are several people outside laughing.] [Scene: outside by a trash can. Nora and Jen come running up and stop by the trash can.] [Jen and Nora laugh] Jen: How awesome is that? Nora: You're a genius, Jen. I'm so glad you talked me into that. Jen: Can you believe that he thought that he could actually talk us into a threesome? I--I mean, no offense, you're really beautiful. It's just not my scene. Nora: None taken. Jen: And you, too, beautiful. Very much so. Nora: Yeah. Well, all in all, it was a pretty priceless moment. Jen: Not quiet as priceless, however, as the one when he realizes that his autographed copy of Pinkerton is missing. Nora: Kudos. Class notes for art history. Midterm's on Monday. Jen: Bummer. [The throws out his CD and notes. Jen holds up Charlie's shirt.] Nora: He loves that shirt. Jen: And when I get home, I'm going to clean my toilet with it. You know, it's just... I knew it was too good to be true, that I could actually meet a guy that was both cute and honest. What was I thinking? Nora: Yeah, I know. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I thought it, too. Jen: Listen, um, a friend of mine is having a party... do you wanna come? Nora: Hmm, thanks. I think I'm just gonna go back to my dorm, listen to some music, and try to convince myself that being alone doesn't suck. Jen: You know, that's actually not a bad idea. But we should hang out sometime. Nora: Yeah, that'd be good. Jen: Bye. [Scene.: Outside Pacey's boat. The party is going on and Pacey hands Audrey a drink.] Audrey: Hey, thanks. Pacey: You're welcome. Audrey: This boat kicks some serious ass, you know? Pacey: That it does. And one day, I hope to have one just like it. Audrey: But, in the meantime, I mean, it must be quite the chick magnet. Pacey: You know, I resent that. Can't a guy just love all things nautical? Audrey: Tell me something, this whole latter day Hemingway thing, does it really work for you? [Joey comes up to join them] Joey: Hey, what are you guys doing? Pacey: Oh, your roommate's hittin' on me. Audrey: Am not! Pacey: You are, too. Audrey: You wish. Pacey: Hey, I just call 'em like I see 'em, lady. Y Audrey: You better watch it 'cause I might just have to put a hole in your boat later or something. [Joey pulls Pacey to the side] Pacey: [Pacey laughs] I have no words. Joey: Neither do I. Did you talk to Dawson today? Pacey: No. Joey: He was supposed to call me when he got in, but I haven't heard from him. Pacey: Me neither. I called him about the party. He never called me back. Joey: I hope he's ok. [Dawson, Jack and the frat guys come walking up] Male voices: Whoo! Pacey: Speak of the Dawson. Jack: Where's the man? Where's the man? Dawson: Pacey! Pacey: Dawson! Dawson: Pacey! Pacey: Dawson. Dawson: Hey, man, guess what? I'm in Boston. Pacey: I know. Dawson: Guys, this is my oldest friend, Pacey Witter. Pacey, this is Brady, and Moskowitz, and guy in a blue shirt. Audrey: Dawson leery?! Dawson: Hey, Audrey! Audrey: Hi! How are ya? Dawson: I'm so good. How are you? Audrey: I'm great. Dawson: Whazzup?! [Pacey pulls Jack to the side] Pacey: You got him drunk? Jack: Yeah, he had a few beers at the house. Why? Pacey: Well, I kinda thought that the objective was to make him feel better sober. Jack: I kinda thought the object here was to make him feel better, period. I mean, come on, look at him. [Looks over and sees Dawson all chummy with Audrey] Dawson: Thank you, Audrey. I do. Jack: I'd say he's feeling better. Pacey: I'd say he's hardly feeling anything right now. Jack: Come on, man. Whatever works. [Cut over to Dawson and Audrey] Dawson: We don't see enough of each other. Audrey: We really don't. Dawson: Every time I see you, you're like... you're out the door or somethin'. Audrey: Well, you should come by more often. Dawson: I miss you. [He hugs her and Joey comes up to them] Joey: Hey. Dawson: Joey! Joey! Joey! Oh, Joey. I was supposed to call you. Joey: Yeah, you were. Dawson: I was supposed to-- I was supposed to call you. I'm so sorry-- here, hold on. Let me rectify this. [] Hold on. Have no fear... [Phone beeps] Dawson is here. I'm calling you right now. Come on, Joey. Pick up. I know you're there. Joey: Dawson, what is up with you tonight? Dawson: Shh. I'm leaving you a message. Joey! Hey, it's Dawson! I'm at this party here on Pacey's boat, and I wish you were here. You're not here. It sucks that you're not here. I was supposed to call you, and I'm so sorry I didn't call you. I meant to, and I was--I was really going to be-- you know what? I couldn't. I just, I couldn't call you. Does that make any-- does that make any sense? Am I making sense, or am I just rambling on like a drunken idiot on your machine? I think that's what I'm doing. But that's ok. Because you left me a drunken message, and if you hadn't, I probably would've gone back to L.A. You know what? Actually, I would probably still be there right now. And maybe my dad would still be alive. So, thank you, Joey. I appreciate it. Ok. Call me. Bye. [Joey just looks at him dumb founded and Dawson turns away to the other partiers] Guys: Dawson! Great party, Dawson! More brew, brother! Oh, here it is. I can't believe it! Hey, gimme one. Here ya go. [Scene: Pacey's boat. It is morning and Dawson is passed out. Pacey comes up carrying a glass of juice.] Pacey: Rise and shine. Come on. Drink up. Dawson: What is it? Pacey: You really wanna know? It's sauerkraut juice, honey, and a splash of Tabasco. Dawson: That's disgusting. Pacey: Yes it is. But it'll make you feel better. The guys at the restaurant swear by it. Dawson: Oh, my god. I can't do that. Pacey: All right. Dawson: Please tell me that... how my head feels is no reflection on how I acted. Pacey: How your head feels is no reflection on how you acted. Dawson: You're not a very good liar. Pacey: Look, you obviously had a lot of stuff bottled up inside. You combine that with a couple or 12 beers, and it's bound to happen. Dawson: I'm afraid I said something really terrible to Joey. Pacey: Yeah, be afraid. Be very afraid. You put on quite a show last night. Look, if it's any consolation to you, I think Joey's gonna forgive you a lot sooner than you forgive yourself. It will make you feel better. Dawson: Thanks. Pacey: I gotta get to work. [Scene: Outside Joey's Dorm room. Kay and Audrey are standing outside while Kay is getting ready to leave.] Kay: Gimme a hug. Audrey: Ok, mom. You...you better go. Your car's waiting. Kay: I miss you already. I feel like I didn't get enough of you. Audrey: Ugh. Well, I think you got plenty. Kay: I just want you to know that the only reason I say some of the things I say to you... is out of love. Do you know how much I love you? Audrey: Bunches? Kay: Bunches. Audrey: That's nice, mom. But you know what was missing from that speech? An apology to me? Let's just not do this anymore, ok? Kay: You don't want me to visit anymore? Audrey: Ok, well, that would be awesome, but that's not gonna happen. So... I don't know. Let's just... let's try to be good to each other. Ok? 'Cause I know I might be a spoiled brat, but, quite frankly, I'm the only one you've got. And you may be a raging psychotic, but you're my raging psychotic. Do you know what I mean? Kay: I'm sorry, Audrey. Audrey: Me, too, mom. Kay: Ok? Audrey: Ok. Kay: Take care, honey. Audrey: You, too, bunny. [Kay leaves, and Audrey goes into her room] Audrey: [Sighs] She's gone. Joey: You're still in one piece. Audrey: Yeah, thanks to you. Joey: What did I do? Audrey: You defended my honor, Joey, that and you took me to a party. I mean, for once, I didn't have to invite myself along. Joey: It was nothing. Audrey: No, it was something. You made me feel... good about myself. Trust me, that's something. And you know all that stuff that she said... I hope you don't think less of me or something. Joey: Please. I'm just glad I could help. Audrey: I just wish I could return the favor. [Scene: Grams' House. Dawson walks in gingerly holding his head and sees Jen sitting at the table eating.] Dawson: Hey, what are you doing up so early? Jen: Uh, posttraumatic hunger syndrome. You want some? Dawson: [Mock sobbing] Jen: I'll take that as a "no." Dawson: So is your dire need for comfort food because of— Jen: he who shall remain nameless, yes. Dawson: Is he who shall remain nameless the reason you didn't make it to Pacey's party last night? Jen: Hmm. Wasn't feeling very festive. How was your frat pack experience? Yeah, I can't really picture you hanging out with a bunch of guys who consider the high-5 an acceptable form of greeting. Dawson: Yeah, but I don't know. The last time I was here, everybody just walked on eggshells around me, so that just reminded me of everything. Jen: Mmm, your life just seems to suck right now in ways that I can't imagine, but... everybody's trying their best, you know? Dawson: Yeah, you're right. I'm a lucky guy. I've some pretty kick-ass friends. Jen: Don't you forget it. Dawson: [Moans softly] [He puts his head down on the table and Jen begins rubbing his back in a comforting way.] [Scene: The restaurant. Pacey is working when Karen comes walking in very tired looking] Pacey: Heh! Well, someone's looking a little tired. Karen: Unh. Pacey: You hung over? Karen: Overworked. Pacey: Thought you had a date with your boyfriend last night? Karen: So did I, but something came up, and they were short a waiter, so... Pacey: oh. Karen: How was your party? Pacey: Eh, not as good as it would've been if you were there. Karen: Well, I'll be sure not to miss the next one then. [] What's wrong? Pacey: Um, nothing. Yeah, I was just noticing that necklace. It's nice. Karen: Oh, thanks. Pacey: Is it new? Karen: No, it's my grandmother's. You know, passed down through generations. I thought I lost it the other night. My mother would not have been please. Pacey: Yeah, I can imagine. Karen: Anyway, I better start setting up before I pass out. Are you ok? Pacey: Yeah, I'm fine. [Karen turns and runs into Brecher] Karen: Hello. Brecher: Hello! [Scene: Train Station. Joey and Dawson are arriving before he has to catch his train, back to Capeside] Dawson: Joey, for the past 15 minutes, I've been trying to figure out a way to tell you how sorry I am, and I just don't know how. It's like... English is all of a sudden my second language. Joey: Aren't we beyond the need for formal apologies at this point? I mean, besides... you were such a jerk last night, I figure you're feeling all kinds of stupid. Dawson: That's true. Joey: That's the $2.00 movie theater I was telling you about. Dawson: I can't remember the last time I just went to the movies. Joey: Well, maybe the next time you're up, we can go. I mean, granted the seats are torn and it smells like burnt popcorn circa 1975, but it does have that old movie house kind of charm. Dawson: You know, you think the idea of going to a movie and losing myself in somebody else's world would be appealing right about now, but it's just not. The truth is, Jo, I don't know what to do with myself. Joey: Dawson, your dad just died. You've every right to be feeling that way. Dawson: You know why I came here this weekend? It was to see a shrink. Well, a grief specialist to be exact. Joey: Well, how'd it go? Dawson: Didn't. I flaked. Joey: How come? Dawson: I don't know. I don't know. Nothing makes sense to me these days. Can I tell you something? Even if it has the potential to make you sad? Joey, when I made the decision not to go back to L.A... all I could do was daydream about this one thing. Kissing you. I--I was so looking forward to this day when it would finally feel right for you and me to give it another try, you know? For the first time in forever, it seemed so possible. It seemed like it was just around the corner. And then he died. And it just went away. I was living in this fuzzy world of daydreams, and I just got yanked out of it, and... I have no idea how to get back there. And what scares me most is that... maybe I never will. [She kisses him.] Joey: You'll find your way back. In the meantime, I'll... be daydreaming for the both of us. P.A.: May I have your attention, please. The train for Capeside, Massachusetts, will be departing off of track 23. Once again, the train for Capeside, Massachusetts, will be departing off of track... Joey: That's you. Dawson: Yeah.

Plan: A: Jen; Q: Who helps Dawson go to the grief counsellor? A: the grief counsellor; Q: Who does Jen help Dawson go see? A: Pauley Perrette; Q: Who played the grief counselor? A: the week before; Q: When did Dawson run away from the grief counselor? A: a complete stranger; Q: Dawson finds the idea of sharing his thoughts with whom uncomfortable? A: Capeside; Q: Where does Dawson and Gail run into problems? A: problems; Q: What do Dawson and Gail run into handling Mitch's will? A: Lily; Q: Who is not included in Mitch's will? A: Joey; Q: Who is working on a project about old letters? A: Audrey's audition tape; Q: What does Joey use to catch something no one else did? A: Pacey confronts; Q: Who confronts Karen about her affair? A: Danny; Q: Who is Karen having an affair with? A: Danny's wife; Q: Who shows up at the party? Summary: Jen helps Dawson go to the grief counsellor (played by Pauley Perrette) he ran away from the week before. Dawson finds the idea of sharing his thoughts with a complete stranger uncomfortable, but he is surprised with how much he learns from it. Back in Capeside, Dawson and Gail run into problems handling Mitch's will, the main problem being that Lily is not included in it. Meanwhile, Joey is working on a project about old letters authored many years ago by a recently deceased writer, and with the help of Audrey's audition tape for "The Real World: Ibiza", she manages to catch something no one of the fellow students did. Pacey confronts Karen about the risks she is taking by having an affair with Danny. Later, Karen is hurt when Danny's wife shows up at a party they are both attending.

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.] Ross: So I told Carl, 'Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.' But of course this went in one ear and out..... Rachel: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he's Alan Alda. Monica: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct? Chandler: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best. Gunther: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife. (Joey is singing in his head.) Phoebe: Who's singing? Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, they're watching Happy Days.] Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie. Monica: I was always Joanne. Joey: Question. Was ah, 'Egg the Gellers!' the war cry of your neighbourhood? (A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice's ex-husband, comes on TV.) Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It's the Mattress King! Joey: Booo!! Chandler: (to Janice) Don't look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel! Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine. Matress King: (on TV) 'Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I'm so depressed I'm going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I'm going medieval on prices! Chandler: What a wank! Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses. Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. (they all stare at her) And I'm appalled for you by the way. Matress King: (on TV) I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the king. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there except Joey.] Rachel: 'Okay. (listens) Okay, daddy we'll see you tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.' (hangs up) Ross: We? Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that's okay. Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry. Rachel: Ross, my father doesn't hate you. Ross: Please, he refers to me as 'wethead'. Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like. Chandler: (leaning in) I'll go. Ross: Fine. Rachel: Thank you. Ross: Hi Gunther. Gunther: Yeah, we'll see! Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Guess what? Ross: What? Joey: I got a gig! All: Yay!! Chandler: See, that's why I could never be an actor. Because I can't say gig. Phoebe: Yeah, I can't say croissant. (realises) Oh my God! Monica: What's the part? Joey: Well, it's not a part, no. I'm teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension. Ross: Come on! That's great. All: Wow! Joey: Yeah, yeah. It's like my chance to give something back to the acting community. Ross: Y'know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students. Joey: (glares at him) I know! [Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new mattress.] Phoebe: Ugh! I don't know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler. Monica: Not at these prices. Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and she makes the 'that went right over your head' motion) Woo! Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy. Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler's your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends. [Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before he's done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.] Joey: Good evening. I'm Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don't have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there waiting for the delievery guy.] Joey: Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night? Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, 'Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you, I dismiss you.' Phoebe: Ooooh, nice. Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children. Phoebe: Oh, yay! Joey: Yeah, it's this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I'm so, so right for it, y'know, he's just like me. Except he's a boxer, and has an evil twin. (There is a knock on the door.) Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black delievery guy.) Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. (to Phoebe) You Miss Geller? Phoebe: Okay. Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard) Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It's that bedroom there. (points to Monica's room) Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King? Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don't say anything to Chandler. Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler? Phoebe: Is that a problem? Joey: No. Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let's see what you got. All right ya, put 'em up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing) Joey: Hey, you're ah, pretty good at this. Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young men weren't acting Christian enough. Joey: Ahh! (Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the shoulder, Phoebe counters with a jab to the nose.) Joey: Hey now! (Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey's nose, causing it to bleed.) Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I'm bleeding. Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Joey: Okay, great. Phoebe: Wow! And I'm a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I'm sorry, we'll put some ice on it. Joey: Okay. Phoebe: 'Kay, put your head back. Joey: All right. I can't see. Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God. Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller? Phoebe: Oh, it's the compulsively neat one by the window, okay. Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying the racecar bed.) [Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. Green are having dinner.] Rachel: Hi Daddy! Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby. Rachel: You remember Ross. Dr. Green: Um-hmm. Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green. Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross) How's the library? Ross: Ugh, museum. Dr. Green: What happened to the library? Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one. Dr. Green: You know what's really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three. Ross: Yeah, if you're really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke. Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster. Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library. Ross: It's not a library... Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! It's a museum! What, you're the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I don't know to the waiter.) [Scene: After dinner.] Ross: So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat. Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat? Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look. Dr. Green: (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross. Ross: Wow. I'm sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. (Rachel giggles at that) Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.) Rachel: Aw honey stop! It's not that bad. Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must've added wrong. He only tipped like four percent. Rachel: Yeah. That's Daddy. Ross: That's Daddy?! But doesn't it bother you? You're a waitress. Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving him sneezers. Ross: So? Rachel: So. Ross, I've bugged him about this a million times, he's not gonna change. Ross: You really serve people sneezers? Rachel: Well um, I don't. Dr Green: You kids ready? Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green. Dr. Green: All right. (Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the bill when Dr. Green isn't looking.) Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt. Ross: Oh, ah, you don't need that. Dr. Green: Why not? Ross: The carbon, it's messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness. Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh? Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it's a sickness really. Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really have to do something about that. Ross: I know. Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think I'm cheap? Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything by that, he really didn't. Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really. Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I'll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. (rips up the bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves) Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than 'wethead'. [Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions.] Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed. Student: Hey, Mr. Trib. Joey: Hey-hey. Student: Guess what, I got an audition! Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I'm so proud. Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it? Joey: You bet! What's the part? Student: Oh it's great, it's a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer. (Joey does the '232 divided by 13 bad news' look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from dinner.] Rachel: You had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't just leave it alone. Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food. Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already. Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall. (they go into Monica and Rachel's, and see Phoebe hopping around.) Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing? Phoebe: I'm, I'm freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn't have! All right, I haven't lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom? Rachel: Um. yeah. Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monica's room) Rachel: All right, look, here's the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice. Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn't work. Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here. Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn't make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say 'Like me! Like me tiny doctor!' Rachel: Okay, well can't you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me? Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay we're never gonna get along. Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don't wanna have to have a separate room for you too!! (starts to cry) Ross: Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) I'll get the bagels. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica.] Monica: (sees the bed) What's this? Phoebe: Isn't it cool! Varoom! Varoom! Monica: This is not the bed I ordered! Phoebe: I know, you must've won like a contest or something! (Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating) Monica: Phoebe! (Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.) Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom? Phoebe: I'm sorry, okay, I-I wasn't looking, and the store says that they won't take it back because you signed for it... Monica: When did I sign for it? Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it's all Joey's fault, 'cause he left his nose open! Monica: Did you make brownies today? Chandler: Knock, knock. Monica: (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he won't notice the bed. Chandler: Hey, I'm going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp. Phoebe: It's Monica's bed. What? Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) It's a racecar. Phoebe: So. This has always been Monica's bed, what you're just noticing now, how self-involved are you? Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn't new, how come there is plastic on the mattress? Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to comfort her.) [Scene: Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.] Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that's not gonna be me, not me. Joey: Wow! That was good. That was...(points to his pocket) Tweezers? Student: No. Joey: Whoa. That was really good. Student: Thanks, any suggestions? (Joey gets the evil look on his face.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.] Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!! Joey: Well, I-I might've said supergay. Chandler: You totally screwed him over. Monica: Joey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean how could you do this? Joey: Because, Monica, the guy's so good, and I really, really want this part. Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their brunch.] Rachel: (opening the door) Hi Daddy. Dr. Green: Baby. Ross. Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr. Green puts his scarf on it.) Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night. Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. Dr. Green: Nice hair. What'd ya do? Swim here? Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, that's it, I can't take it anymore. Rachel: What? What? He's interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here. Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie it's hopeless, okay, I'm just gonna go. (starts to leave rubbing his neck) Rachel: What?! Ross: Look, look I'm sorry. It's just that.... Dr. Green: Ross? What's with the neck? Rachel: He's got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor... Dr. Green: You're still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn't get into medical school in Extapa! Ross: Thank you! That's what I keep saying. Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor. Ross: Uh. Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby? Rachel: Well that's his last name. Ross: And his first name. Dr. Green: He's Bobby Bobby? Rachel: It's Robert Bobby. Dr. Green: Oh. Rachel: And um, excuse me, he helps me. Ross: Oh-ho please. Ask her how? Dr. Green: What do you need help for? Rachel: With my alignment. I've got one leg shorter than the other. Dr. Green: Oh God! Ross: Argue with that. Rachel: What? It's true, my right leg is two inches shorter. Dr. Green: Come on! You're just titling! (to Ross) Her legs are fine! Ross: I know that! Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for? Rachel: I'm sorry, let her? Ross: What can I do, she doesn't listen to me about renter's insurance either. Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you don't have renter's insurance?! Rachel: No. Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?! (Both he and Ross start laughing) Ross: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice? Dr. Green: I'd love some juice. Thanks. Ross: Okay. (to Rachel) Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see? Rachel: Yeah honey, I'm standing right there! Why didn't you just tell him about the mole I haven't got checked yet. Ross: Excellent! [Scene: Classroom, Joey is talking to his students.] Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, he's got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you. [Scene: Mattress King, Monica is trying to return her bed.] Jester: Uh, may I help you? Monica: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I'm the lady that got stuck with the racecar bed. Jester: Look, it's like I told you, there's nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller. Joey: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king. Jester: Nobody sees the king! Joey: Oh-ho-kay, I'm talking to the king. (starts to go to a back room) Jester: Hey! You can't go back there! (Joey goes to the door, but stops and looks through the window at Janice and the Mattress King, her ex-husband, kissing.) Janice: Oh my God. (Joey fakes a scream.) Closing Credits [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Chandler is playing with the bed.] Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good lookin'! (honks the bed's little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, I'll leave. My bed's so boring.

Plan: A: the wrong one; Q: What kind of bed did Monica receive? A: Janice's ex-husband's store; Q: Where did Monica buy the bed? A: Joey; Q: Who teaches a soap opera acting class? A: her ex; Q: Who does Joey see Janice kissing? A: Rachel; Q: Who tries to get her father and Ross to bond? A: dinner; Q: What meal does Rachel try to get her father and Ross to bond over? A: a brunch; Q: What does Rachel set up to make amends? A: the student; Q: Who ultimately wins the part? A: the student's chances; Q: What does Joey try to sabotage? A: a boxer; Q: What was the character that Joey suggested the student play? A: a student's trust; Q: What did Joey betray? Summary: Monica tries returning a bed after receiving the wrong one from Janice's ex-husband's store. While there, Joey sees Janice kissing her ex. Things end badly after Rachel tries to get her father and Ross to bond during dinner out together. To make amends, Rachel sets up a brunch only for it to backfire on her when Ross and Dr. Green bond over criticizing her. Joey teaches a soap opera acting class. When Joey and the student are up for the same part in a soap opera, Joey tries sabotaging the student's chances by suggesting he play the character, a boxer, as being gay. The other friends lambaste Joey for betraying a student's trust, thought the student ultimately wins the part.

EARTHSHOCK BY ERIC SAWARD Part One Running time: 24:22 [SCENE_BREAK] Long shot of the quarry. Some people in coveralls rappel up the side of a hill. Lieutenant Scott reaches out to help Professor Kyle over the top. She gasps. They run away from the camera towards another hill where some other troopers are standing guard. They run past an oval-shaped, blue tent to where some other troopers are standing, and stop. Scott looks around a bit, the moves forward again. He heads towards a "tunnel" entrance where some more troopers are standing. Kyle and Snyder are looking into the entrance as Scott walks up. SNYDER: Nothing. Kyle turns around and walks away from the tunnel entrance very slowly. PROF KYLE: How does this thing work? WALTERS: It focuses upon the electrical activity of the body-heartbeat, things like that. LT SCOTT: But only of mammalian life form. Everything else is excluded. Scott walks off and Kyle follows ... slowly again Scott stands near Walters, who begins to operate a futuristic, high-tech scanner. Walters switches on the scanner and it begins to hum. He types on the futuristic keyboard, and looks intently at the screen There's nothing on it. WALTERS: Nothing. LT SCOTT: Could they have been shielded from the scanner in any way? WALTERS: A lead screen. Some of the newer alloys. PROF KYLE: There isn't anything like that in the cavern. Kyle walks away distraught, wringing her hands, PROF KYLE: They're dead, aren't they? LT SCOTT: It does seem likely. PROF KYLE: Such a pointless waste. LT SCOTT: We'll find out. PROF KYLE: They can't be far. I radioed immediately I left the cavern. LT SCOTT: You've done all you can. Don't upset yourself. Walters, scan again. Maximum amplification. WALTERS: Right, sir. PROF KYLE: How many of you were down there? PROF KYLE: Eight of us. PROF KYLE: What were you doing? PROF KYLE: A survey. The particular cave system we were in has just been discovered. It's proven to be rich in fossils. LT SCOTT: Are you all paleontologists? PROF KYLE: And geologists. LT SCOTT: It doesn't make sense. WALTERS: Scan complete, sir. Negative. No sign of life. [SCENE_BREAK] In the cavern two lithe, shadowy figures walk past the camera in the darkness. LT SCOTT: Right, get your gear together. We're going down. [SCENE_BREAK] Scott walks over to Kyle. LT SCOTT: I realize going down again must be hard. PROF KYLE: The caves are uncharted. You'll never find the bodies without my help. LT SCOTT: I'm grateful! Snyder, I want you to stay here with Walters. SNYDER: Sir. LT SCOTT: Walters, I want a constant scan. WALTERS: Right, sir. LT SCOTT: Let me know the instant you see anything, all right? MITCHELL: Troops ready, sir. LT SCOTT: Sergeant Mitchell. They slowly walk off to the side. LT SCOTT: Do you believe Professor Kyle? They look over to where she's standing. MITCHELL: I think she's telling the truth. As far as she knows it, that is. LT SCOTT: I agree. All right. Put the troop on full alert. MITCHELL: Sir. LT SCOTT: Oh, and just in case she is lying, we'll have her up front where we can see her. Inside the cavern the troops walk by the camera in long shot. Now we see them walk by in close up. They move past the camera slowly. As the sexy androids move past behind him. He finally turns around to look, but it's too late. He moves on. Back outside Kyle looks at the monitor. SNYDER: The party's making good progress. The scanner flares. SNYDER: Is that supposed to happen? WALTERS: What? SNYDER: There was a sort of flare. It only lasted a second. WALTERS: Ahh, probably nothing. This equipment's ancient. There's another flare. SNYDER: There! WALTERS: Ghosting. SNYDER: Shouldn't we tell Lieutenant Scott? WALTERS: It isn't worth it. The sexy androids walk down a tunnel. Inside the TARDIS the Doctor, holding a book, knocks on Adric's bedroom door. When there's no answer he opens the door and walks in. DOCTOR: You must read this, Adric. The Black Orchid. ADRIC: Why? DOCTOR: It's fascinating. Such scholarship! He sets the book down in front of Adric. ADRIC: Why should that interest me? DOCTOR: What's the matter? ADRIC: I'm fed up. DOCTOR: Why? ADRIC: I'm tired of being considered a joke. DOCTOR: Oh, no one thinks that. ADRIC: Then why am I constantly teased? DOCTOR: Well, everyone is teased from time to time. ADRIC: Yeah, but not as often as me. DOCTOR: That's not true. ADRIC: No, and I suppose neither is the fact that when Nyssa or Tegan ask you a question, you always find time to answer it, but hardly ever with me. The Doctor ignores him and rifles through the stuff on Adric's desk. ADRIC: Doctor, how am I supposed to learn if you never find time to explain? DOCTOR: Time? We have spent many hours discussing and debating endless topics. ADRIC: I'm just fitted in when it's convenient for you. DOCTOR: All right. I'll make more time. ADRIC: No, you've said that too often before, Doctor. There'll always be some distraction to prevent it happening. DOCTOR: I give you my word. ADRIC: Just as you gave your word to Tegan. DOCTOR: That's not fair. ADRIC: No, it never is when you're being criticized, is it? Just as it's never your fault when something goes wrong. DOCTOR: Have you quite finished? ADRIC: There's lots more. DOCTOR: Well, it can wait! ADRIC: Yes, but I can't. I'm tired of being an outsider, Doctor. I want to go back to my own people. The Doctor looks at him. In the cavern Scott crawls through an opening. He helps Kyle to her feet. LT SCOTT: Is this the only way down? PROF KYLE: The only known way. LT SCOTT: You must have had some fun getting the gear through there. PROF KYLE: This expedition was cursed form the beginning. LT SCOTT: Well? PROF KYLE: We had endless problems. Even lighting the tunnels was a nightmare. MITCHELL: In what way? PROF KYLE: All sorts of things. Annoying things, Tools would go missing. Small but important components were discovered smashed. LT SCOTT: Sabotage? PROF KYLE: I didn't think so at the time. Someone who wanted to wreck the expedition could have been far more positive about it. LT SCOTT: As ultimately they were. The sexy androids move into a cavern. Back in the TARDIS console room Nyssa writes something on a pad of paper as Tegan watches. NYSSA: There. TEGAN: I'll never learn how to do that properly. NYSSA: It isn't that difficult. DOCTOR: No, Adric. I will not do it. ADRIC: You've done it before. DOCTOR: The TARDIS is not designed for E- Space. Nyssa, tell him! NYSSA: Tell him what? DOCTOR: He wants to go home. NYSSA: To Alzarius? ADRIC: No, to Terradon. DOCTOR: That would involve the TARDIS is going back into E-Space. NYSSA: The Doctor's right. It would be very dangerous. ADRIC: I could plot a course. DOCTOR: How do you calculate negative coordinates? ADRIC: I have the mathematical skill. DOCTOR: It would also involve passing through the CVE. Now, you can't calculate random coordinates. ADRIC: The monitor on Logopolis indicated they were not random. DOCTOR: You do not have the monitor's skill, Adric, and even if you did, I am not going back into E-Space! ADRIC: Then I will find someone who will take me. DOCTOR: E-Space is another universe. There isn't a taxi service goes back and forth. ADRIC: Once I calculate the course, the journey itself would be simple. NYSSA: It won't. ADRIC: Romana's still in E-Space. Once I get there, she can help me. TEGAN: Is it really that dangerous? DOCTOR: Do you really think I'd be making all this fuss if it weren't? ADRIC: Can I use your computer? DOCTOR: Oh, help yourself. I'm not waiting around while you plot the course to your own destruction. Back in the cavern the troopers slowly trudge onward. LT SCOTT: How much further? The lights flash, and there's a strange sound. Bane trips. LT SCOTT: What caused that? PROF KYLE: I don't know. They've never done it before. MITCHELL: Trooper Bane's hurt, sir. BANE: I damaged my shoulder. MITCHELL: Nothing broken. LT SCOTT: Can you walk? BANE: I think so. LT SCOTT: Good. He contacts Walters via radio. WALTERS: Walters. LT SCOTT: Bane's had an accident. I'm sending her up. WALTERS: Right, sir. LT SCOTT: She'll need medical treatment. Is interrupted by a weird jangling sound. LT SCOTT: What's that? Back on the surface Walters studies the scanner. WALTERS: I don't know, sir. It's causing the scanner to flare as well. LT SCOTT: See if you can trace it, will you? The jangling sound stops. LT SCOTT: Too late. PROF KYLE: I heard that noise before. LT SCOTT: When? PROF KYLE: A few minutes before we were attacked. [SCENE_BREAK] The sexy androids move through a tunnel and stop. In another tunnel the TARDIS materializes. Inside the TARDIS console room the scanner slides open. NYSSA: Where are we? DOCTOR: Earth. TEGAN: Oh, not again. DOCTOR: 26th century. ADRIC: The year is 2526 in the time scale you call Anno Domini. DOCTOR: Thank you. TEGAN: Why have we materialized underground? DOCTOR: Why not? Adric wants to use the computer. I want to go for a walk. NYSSA: Why not help Adric? ADRIC: I don't need his help, thank you very much. DOCTOR: You see? NYSSA: Please, Doctor, it's gone far enough. ADRIC: Do you; know I think since his regeneration he's become decidedly immature. Tegan walks over towards the Doctor. DOCTOR: I'm going outside now. I might be gone some time. He opens the door and walks out. TEGAN: I'm gonna talk some sense into the Doctor. Nyssa walks over towards Adric. NYSSA: Oh dear, it's all getting rather silly, isn't it? ADRIC: Oh, I didn't mean to be so rude. NYSSA: Why don't you calculate the course home? Show the Doctor it can be done, then when he's calmed down we can all talk to him. ADRIC: But will he listen? NYSSA: Of course he will. Nyssa walks out. Adric smiles. Mitchell and Bane slowly crawl back through the tunnels towards the surface. [SCENE_BREAK] Back on the surface. WALTERS: This is the main group here. This is the wounded party. The camera pans over to three new white dots. SNYDER: Where have they come from? WALTERS: I don't know. Snyder plays with her radio. LT SCOTT (v.o.): Scott. WALTERS: One of the readings is ectopic, sir. LT SCOTT (v.o.): What does that mean? WALTERS: That one of the life forms has two hearts. [SCENE_BREAK] In a cold tunnel the Doctor tries warming his hands. Nyssa and Tegan walk up to him. DOCTOR: It's so peaceful and cool down here. TEGAN: Breathe deeply and relax. Pause. TEGAN: Now, go and make it up with Adric. Please? DOCTOR: All right, but I am not taking him back into E-space and that's my final word on the matter. NYSSA: Look at his calculations before you decide. It may be possible. DOCTOR: All right, I'll look, but I'm not promising anything. NYSSA: Of course not, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] In a different tunnel. LT SCOTT: You're sure the life form's alien? WALTERS: Positive, sir, I've re-checked the scan. The reading is true. LT SCOTT: Let me have their position as soon as possible. WALTERS: Working it out now, sir. Scott turns his radio off. LT SCOTT: Unshoulder arms. They do so. LT SCOTT: Set them on stun. Scott walks off. [SCENE_BREAK] In another corridor the sexy androids walk off. [SCENE_BREAK] In yet another tunnel the Doctor mutters to himself whilst standing outside the TARDIS. He walks over to her. TEGAN: Doctor! TEGAN: There's something wrong. DOCTOR: What? TEGAN: Well, haven't you noticed? NYSSA: What are you talking about? TEGAN: Well, it should be totally dark, but we can see. The doctor runs his finger along the wall, then across Tegan's nose. DOCTOR: Phosphorescence. NYSSA: And something else. DOCTOR: Hmmm? NYSSA: Lots of bones. Back in the TARDIS Adric is writing on a pad of paper. He glances at the scanner and see the Doctor, Tegan and Nyssa. Bored he looks back and flips a page. [SCENE_BREAK] Back on the surface. WALTERS: I've worked out the position of the three intruders. Their lateral coordinates are 0, 3. 9 by 4, 0, 1, Depth coordinates 23.336 meters. Reference 1, 9 by 74.9. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the tunnel, Kyle, who's been typing on her wrist pad, stops. PROF KYLE: By my reckoning your alien life form is in a small tunnel alongside the cavern where we were attacked. The wounded party moves through the tunnel slowly. BANE: I must rest for a moment. She moves away and sits against the tunnel wall. Back on the surface. SNYDER: Look at the wounded party. They've hardly moved. I'm going down. WALTERS: Why? SNYDER: They may need help. WALTERS: I'll let them know you're coming. He acts as if he's going to say something into the radio, but never does. Snyder enters the tunnel. In another cave. DOCTOR: Fascinating. NYSSA: They're huge! What sort of creature had such bones? TEGAN: Dinosaurs. DOCTOR: An amazing species. NYSSA: Are they your ancestors? TEGAN: I hope not. DOCTOR: Well, you should be proud if they were. TEGAN: Thank you very much. Most of them had a brain the size of a pea. DOCTOR: They were also the most successful creature ever to inhabit the earth. NYSSA: In what way? DOCTOR: Fossilized remains have been found all over the planet. Not bad adaptation for a creature with the brain the size of a pea. NYSSA: How long did they exist? DOCTOR: 100 million years or so. They seemed so secure and yet they died out overnight. Back in the tunnels the troopers are running again. Kyle trips and Scott helps her up. LT SCOTT: Come along, Professor. [SCENE_BREAK] Back with the ones from the TARDIS. TEGAN: It's like a graveyard. NYSSA: How could such a successful species die out so quickly? DOCTOR: Initially hypothermia, then starvation. NYSSA: Caused by what, an ice age? DOCTOR: Something equally as devastating. The earth collided with something from space. TEGAN: An asteroid? DOCTOR: Could be. I don't know. I've always meant to slip back and find out. [SCENE_BREAK] Snyder walks through a tunnel. Then speaks into her radio. SNYDER: Snyder. [SCENE_BREAK] WALTERS: You should be near the wounded party. SNYDER (v.o.): I can't see anyone. WALTERS: They're on your level, about 30 meters away, SNYDER: Advancing now. Will leave communicator on. She advances. In another tunnel the wounded party stumble along, They come to a junction where they see one of the sexy androids. BANE: Is that you, Snyder? Snyder walks through the tunnel. SNYDER: Are you sure they're on this level? WALTERS: Positive. They should be very close. Hang on, the scanner's flaring. The flaring's very heavy. SNYDER (v.o): See if you can get a fix on it. [SCENE_BREAK] The troopers continue to run through tunnels. Mitchell stops and yells at some stragglers. MITCHELL: Come on. Keep up. The exercise will do you all good! They continue running. [SCENE_BREAK] On the surface Walters messes around with the scanner. He picks up his radio. WALTERS: Snyder, do you hear me? SNYDER: Just. WALTERS: It's no go, The scanner registers the flare, but the computer doesn't. It's weird. SNYDER: Keep trying. WALTERS: You must be very close to the source. There's a loud scream in the background. Snyder heads off towards it. Outside there's a flare on the scanner and the wounded party's lights go out along with Snyder's, WALTERS: Snyder? Snyder? Negative emission. Snyder, do you hear me? Get out of there. Bane and Collis are dead. In the cavern the camera slowly tilts up as Walters continues to call out. There's a pool of green slime with a communicator lying in it. Eventually we see the two sexy androids standing nearby. WALTERS: Do you hear me? Snyder! Get out of there! Snyder! [SCENE_BREAK] In another cavern the doctor finishes making a dinosaur drawing in the sand on the floor with his hat. TEGAN: Things have collided with Earth before. What was so different about the one that destroyed the dinosaurs? DOCTOR: Size. It was gigantic. TEGAN: But how could one asteroid wipe out all the dinosaurs? It just isn't possible. NYSSA: You're forgetting displacement. DOCTOR: The impact would have caused millions upon millions of tons of earth and rock to be fragmented and the hurled up into the atmosphere, enveloping the whole planet. NYSSA: The storm it created must have lasted for months. TEGAN: Would it have blocked out the sun? DOCTOR: To such an extent that the surface temperature would have dropped radically. NYSSA: And without warmth reptiles cease to function. TEGAN: Poor old dinosaur. [SCENE_BREAK] In another tunnel Kyle trips and falls for the hundredth time. LT SCOTT: All right. All right. Take it easy. PROF KYLE: I can't keep the pace up. LT SCOTT: We'll rest here for a minute. Scott's communicator beeps. LT SCOTT: Scott. WALTERS (v.o.): Snyder and the others have ... just gone off the scanner. LT SCOTT: What? WALTERS: The screen flared again and their scan lights went out. They're dead. LT SCOTT: Have you checked the scanner for faults? WALTERS: Yes, it's working perfectly. MITCHELL: Could be a rock fall that killed them. LT SCOTT: Any change in position of our alien friends up ahead? WALTERS (v.o.): None. MITCHELL: Shall I take a couple of troopers and go back, sir? LT SCOTT: Carry on, Sergeant Mitchell. MITCHELL: Carter, Bailey! [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the console room Adric continues scribbling; he looks at the scanner. ADRIC: Don't wander too far, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] Back outside. LT SCOTT: Professor Kyle, we must go on. PROF KYLE: I'm fine now. Kyle helps her up for the hundredth time. LT SCOTT: Right. Prepare to move out. [SCENE_BREAK] Back with the Doctor. TEGAN: It's weird. It all happened so long ago. DOCTOR: 65 million years. TEGAN: I wonder what evolutionary stage my ancestors were at? DOCTOR: Primitive, Tegan. Very primitive. Mitchell and the two troopers walk through a tunnel. MITCHELL: Come on. They walk a little further. The main group of troopers run through more tunnels. Outside the scanner flares. WALTERS: Not again. Please, not again. Mitchell and co. are walking. Her communicator beeps. MITCHELL: Mitchell. WALTERS (v.o.): The scanner's flared again, Sarge. MITCHELL: Whereabouts? WALTERS (v.o.): Very close to you. The main group move into a large cavern. PROF KYLE: There's been a rock fall. LT SCOTT: Where are the three aliens? PROF KYLE: In the tunnel down here. LT SCOTT: Right, take cover. They scatter and hide behind rocks in the way that only characters in DW could hide. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the console room Adric continues to scribble. He looks at the console several times and writes stuff down on his pad. Mitchell and the two troopers move through a tunnel. The lights flicker as mist rises in the foreground. MITCHELL: Come on. They move forward. Suddenly One of the troopers steps in the green slime where Snyder's name tag is lying. TROOPER: Look, Sarge. What sort of weapon could do that to a person? MITCHELL: I don't know, and I don't care. I just want the people who did this. They slowly stand up as the sexy androids move in. Back outside. MITCHELL (v.o.): We've got company. Two of them. WALTERS: That's not possible. There's no reading. MITCHELL (v.o.): Just take my word for it. There here all right, and they don't look ... She screams. The three lights go out on the scanner. WALTERS: Sergeant? Sergeant Mitchell? Sergeant Mitchell! The Doctor, Tegan and Nyssa move into the cavern where the troopers are "hiding". TEGAN: Look, Doctor. Mining equipment. DOCTOR: Uh, I don't think we should go any further. NYSSA: I can't see anyone. Scott and Kyle come out of hiding. LT SCOTT: Hold it there! TEGAN: What's going on? LT SCOTT: Shut up! Do you recognize any of them? PROF KYLE: No. DOCTOR: How do you do? I'm the Doctor. This is Tegan and Nyssa. LT SCOTT: I said shut up. DOCTOR: What are we supposed to have done? Scott's communicator beeps. LT SCOTT: Scott. WALTERS (v.o.): Sergeant Mitchell and her troops are dead, sir. LT SCOTT: Are you sure? WALTERS: Yes, sir. She was reporting in when she was killed. LT SCOTT: How many hostiles were there? WALTERS (v.o.): Two, sir. LT SCOTT: Where are they now? WALTERS: I don't know, sir. They didn't show up on the scanner. LT SCOTT: That's impossible. WALTERS (v.o.): I know, sir. LT SCOTT: All right, keep searching. Let me know when you find anything. DOCTOR: Anything we can do? Scott garbs him by the shoulders. DOCTOR: Obviously not. Scott pushes him over towards the cave wall and pins him on a rock. LT SCOTT: Too many people have died for you to play the fool. Clang! [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the console room Adric is still scribbling. ADRIC: Now where have you gone? Back in the cavern. LT SCOTT: Where have you hidden the bodies? DOCTOR: What bodies? LT SCOTT: Seven people were murdered in this cavern! TEGAN: We didn't do it! DOCTOR: We only just arrived. NYSSA: Let me show you how we travelled here. LT SCOTT: Don't waste my time. Where have you hidden the bodies? PROF KYLE: The rock fall. LT SCOTT: What? PROF KYLE: The bodies must be here. Pause LT SCOTT: Shall we look? The sexy androids mobilize. [SCENE_BREAK] In the console room Adric looks around. He hears a noise. He sets his bad down and walks to a different panel of the console ADRIC: What is it? He flips some switches. ADRIC: Where's it coming from? He flips some more switches. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the cavern Tegan and Nyssa move some rocks and uncover a metal hatch in the cave wall. LT SCOTT: What's that? Nyssa taps on it. NYSSA: I don't know. LT SCOTT: Seaton, Foster, help them clear the rocks away. PROF KYLE: Lieutenant! Scott walks over to Kyle. PROF KYLE: These belonged to Doctor Khan, my assistant. The sexy androids are running now! Scott taps on the hatch then turns to the Doctor. LT SCOTT: Is this why you killed them? DOCTOR: I know nothing about it. TEGAN: We're telling the truth. LT SCOTT: Open the hatch. DOCTOR: I can't. LT SCOTT: I said open it! NYSSA: I'll try. DOCTOR: Nyssa. LT SCOTT: You stay where you are. I want him to do it. The Doctor moves towards the hatch slowly. Just as he reaches it the sexy androids arrive and start shooting energy bolts from their hands. There's much commotion. The Doctor moves away. The androids shoot again, and everyone moves towards the rocks. LT SCOTT: Behind the rocks! We see a blaster, and tattered clothes lying on the floor, An android shots another energy bolt. Scott ducks down behind the rocks. The android shoots again, and the troopers begin blasting them. PROF KYLE: Who are they? DOCTOR: Androids. That's why they didn't register on your scanners. LT SCOTT: Androids? Are they yours? DOCTOR: No, and if you want proof you'll find they'll kill me as willingly as they'll kill you. An energy bolt strikes a nearby rock. The androids stand with their palms facing forward. DOCTOR: See what I mean? An android fires another energy bolt. The troopers fire at them. PROF KYLE: That's them. I recognize that sound. LT SCOTT: Those are the things that attacked you? PROF KYLE: Yes. DOCTOR: Do you know why? PROF KYLE: No, there isn't a reason. DOCTOR: Whoever's controlling the androids thinks there is. Close up of android. We see the cavern form the androids point of view. It's tinted red. The view shakily zooms in eventually centering on the Doctor's face. Three Cybermen stand around a control of some sort. CYBERLEADER: Destroy them. Destroy them at once.

Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who lands the Tardis in an underground cavern on 26th century Earth? A: Tegan; Q: Who is the Doctor's companion in this episode? A: Adric; Q: Who is the fourth member of the Doctor's team? A: the military; Q: Who is searching for the missing scientists? Summary: The Doctor lands the Tardis in an underground cavern on 26th century Earth. Then the Doctor, Tegan, Nyssa and Adric become embroiled in the search for a team of missing scientists being preformed by the military.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Mary: We all welcome Captain Alden home from his long, long service. Giles: You come back for one thing and one thing only. She's Mary Sibley now. Mary: I waited for you. Years and years without a word. John: I was captured. Gloriana: If we could forget Salem and its witches. If we could have a different life. Mrs. Hale: She can't breathe! Mr. Hale: Make it stop. Please. My daughter. Cotton: We call it a spectral attack... the work of witches. Pray for her. Mercy: [Screaming] Reverend Lewis: Imperat tibi deus pater... Imperat tibi Deus filius... Imperat tibi Deus Spiritus Sanctus... Imperat tibi majestas Christi... Mercy: [Groans] You must stop this. Reverend Lewis: ...Eternum dei verbum caro factum... Imperat sacramentum crucis... Mercy: They will hang you if they learn of this. Reverend Lewis: The witches have already taken your life. I no longer fear the puritans claiming mine. The wretched spirit that inhabits you must be excised. Or else what becomes of you? Hmm? Madness? Death? Do you trust me, Mercy? Mercy: Yes, father. Reverend Lewis: That I would do nothing to hurt you? Mercy: Well, of course. Reverend Lewis: [Smooches] Mercy: [Breathing shakily] Father. Father. Reverend Lewis: I cast you out, every unclean spirit... Every satanic power... Mercy: Please! I beseech you! Reverend Lewis: ...Every onslaught of the infernal adversary... In the name and in the power of our Lord Jesus. Mercy: It's you that's been driven to madness! [Screams] [Wailing] Reverend Lewis: Malleus maleficarum. Mercy: [Crying] [Screams] ["Cupid Carries a Gun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ The witch drums ♪ ♪ Better pray for hell ♪ ♪ Not hallelujah ♪ [Sheep bleats] William: Good morning. I, uh, am here to collect a parcel incoming on that vessel. Sentry: Influenza outbreak. Five dead. Frigate's under quarantine. William: Quarantine? By whose order? Sentry: George Sibley. By way of his wife, Mary Sibley. Mary: Does a man desire to know when he is on the precipice of his own death? What say you, George? Would your friend, the blacksmith, want to know that scant hours from now, Mercy Lewis will accuse him of witchcraft? From which his trial and execution will swiftly follow? Or would he favor his waning moments be spent in ignorance? Oh, don't pity him, George. It is the blood of innocents like your friend that make our grand rite possible. Each accusation made, each trial convened not for us, but by us. No one the wiser to our plan and nobody brave enough to stand in our way. Anne: You miss them, don't you? John: When I was young, I thought them horribly sensible people. Now... Salem could use more like them. Anne: I'm intruding, Captain. John: No, no. I'm glad you're amongst the living... so to speak. Word was you had taken quite ill. Anne: Indeed. A fit that came on suddenly and without reason, followed by a restless sleep in which the sickness infected even my dreams. John: Your dreams? Anne: I dreamt of a doll with eyes full and black. And when I awoke, feverish in the night's middle, I could have sworn the doll was there, staring back at me. John: Fever dreams can be quite vivid. Anne: Except I could have sworn that I saw my father enter in darkness and remove the doll. But when I asked, he laughed and assured me that... John: You were dreaming. Anne: Do you doubt my father's veracity, Captain Alden? John: No. But it seems like you do. Anne: I... I have no doubt that he's a good man. But lately... John: What? Mr. Hale: Had I but known you were in such safe hands, I would have spared your mother her worry. John: Magistrate. Mr. Hale: Come along, Anne. Let us allow Captain Alden his privacy. Cotton: Have I heard you correctly? Are you suggesting that Anne Hale is the victim of... John: A spell. Cotton: Am I, too, the victim of a spell? Or has John Alden finally declared his belief in witches? John: I've seen too much to deny any longer, making my next step obvious... catching one. Gloriana: [Laughs] Cotton: As you know, apprehending a witch is no easy feat. John: Unless you know who they are. Cotton: Have you uncovered the conjurer who spelled Anne? Who is it? Tell me. John: Someone in proximity to his victim. Cotton: Yes. John: Whose own daughter voices her suspicions. Cotton: Magistrate Hale? John: He's not who he seems. Cotton: Who amongst us is? You? Or I? Who among us is unburdened by shame or secrets that we hide from the world? Gloriana: [Laughs] Cotton: I'm Reverend Mather. Is there a problem? William: Well, no. The lady and I were just discussing some business. Cotton: Business? William: Yes. As in how much it might cost me to get down to some. Cotton: This is a reputable establishment! It offers no place for your lechery. William: Reverend. John: Reverend. Cotton! William: Pardon me. I apologize if I've caused any offense. Good day. Cotton: Do you know that man? John: Never seen him before. Children: ♪ ring around the rosies ♪ ♪ Pocketful of posies ♪ ♪ Ashes, ashes ♪ ♪ We all fall down ♪ [Sizzling] Blacksmith: Ah. [Laughs] Yeah. Tituba: She has arrived. Mary: Mercy. My dear, this is a blessing. Reverend Lewis: Truly. And she is again well enough to breathe the fall air. [Chuckles] Mary: Our deepest gratitude is often saved for what we once took for granted. Mercy: [Breathing heavily] [Wheezing] Mary: Mercy? What is it? Reverend Lewis: No. No, my child. No. No. Mercy: [Breathing heavily] The witch!! Young woman: Who's the witch, Mercy?! Tell us! Who's the witch?! Is he the witch, Mercy? Is he?! Mercy: [Crying] [Screams] Reverend Lewis: Mercy! Mercy! Help! Will someone help us?! Tituba: What's happened? Mary: We've lost control. Mr. Hale: The hive is restless. Some are beginning to doubt your grand vision for our kind. Mary: Who? Give me their names. Rose: You're missing the point, child. Mary: Then perhaps he should make one. Mr. Hale: Trials are preceded by accusations. And accusations are predicated upon your control of the girl. Rose: The hunter's moon fast approaches. Mr. Hale: Yet the blacksmith still blithely peddles his wares, his blood lost to our cause. Tituba: How dare you. Before Mary, we were not feared, but fearful, not hunters, but prey. And yet does her strength and vision garner your praise? No. Only your doubt. Mary: The girl has been rendered frail by her circumstance. Nothing more. My mastery is not of issue. Rose: This is an assurance? Mary: She needs but a moment of rest. After which, she will again be strong enough to point the finger. Mr. Hale: Yet another issue remains... that of John Alden. Mary: What of him? Mr. Hale: His suspicion of me is palpable. If she cannot abate his threat, then I will be forced to do so myself... as I see fit. Rose: Should you desire John Alden's trust, I would suggest you find a way to earn it. And, Mary... Your vision guides us. I will report to the others that your plan shall resume anon. Tituba: We need answers quickly. Mary: And we will get them. Tituba: How? Mary: The quickest way one finds answers... blame. Is it your intent to rob me of my remaining faith in you, Reverend? Cotton: Mrs. Sibley. I didn't hear you arrive. Mary: Your charge, simple and clear, is to protect the Lewis girl from further possession. And yet... Was the episode in the marketplace not evidence of exactly that? Cotton: We have no proof it was the work of witches. Mary: So you've paid her a visit, then? You've determined what ails her? Cotton: The pastor says she's resting and best not be disturbed. Mary: May I ask you a question, Reverend? When your father seeks out demons, does he ask permission? Does he knock on doors and offer to come back at a more convenient time? Or does he, armed with the lord's righteousness, demand the demon answer to him? Cotton: My father and I are different men. We work in different ways. Mary: When I summoned a hunter of witches to protect the people of Salem, it was not you I requested. Yet it was you who arrived on our shores. Do not make me regret settling for my second choice. Mr. Hale: Captain Alden. How fortuitous. I was just about to set this on your doorstep. I'll spare you the mystery. It's a reception tomorrow evening in your honor. John: A reception? No. That's not necessary. Mr. Hale: But it is. You're a selectman now. And, on a more personal note, a chance to make amends for my less-than-hospitable behavior since your return. Can we trust you'll be in attendance? John: Excuse me, magistrate. Lieutenant Hooke. William: John Alden. Now, is this any way to greet the man who saved you from those savages? John: What the hell are you doing here? William: Business, Captain. There is a vessel in port on which I have cargo. And until the quarantine is lifted, I am marooned here in your little witch town. John: We had a deal, and it was a simple one... that I was never to set eyes on you again. William: Yes. Well, you needn't worry. We're not the same men we were in the war. But... There is something you could do to hasten my departure. John: What is that? William: The girl you spoke of in battle... Mary Walcott. Although she's Mary Sibley now, isn't she? An introduction with her would certain... John: You stay away from Mary. William: Or what, John? What will you do? John: What I should have done last time. William: [Scoffs] Now, careful, Captain. Before a man makes threats, he should take stock of what he risks... unless you do not mind me telling the good people of Salem just who John Alden really is... neither the man nor the war hero he purports to be. John: I want you to finish your business with all due haste, and then by coach or by steed or by ship, I want you gone. You have my word. Mary: Mr. Sibley's feeding will have to wait until I return from the reception. George: [Groans] [Groaning] William: Excuse me. Mrs. Sibley. Mary: And you are? William: I'm Hooke... William Hooke. Forgive my boldness, but I wondered if I might speak to you of your ship detained in port. Mary: As you've doubtless heard, it's under quarantine. William: Well, 'tis no bother. I merely mean to board the vessel and retrieve my cargo. Mary: And risk infection? Or worse? Well, this must be very valuable cargo, Mr. Hooke. Sorry. No one's permitted on board. William: Well, perhaps Mr. Sibley will be more open to reason. Mary: I can assure you, Mr. Hooke, my husband and I are of one mind on all matters. Good evening. Cotton: Mercy, if you can hear me, I beseech you, speak to me the name of the vengeful spirit that possesses you. Reverend Lewis: Hasn't she suffered enough? Cotton: Which is why I seek to end her suffering... by freeing her from the demon inside. Reverend Lewis: Mm. Cotton: [Sniffing] Reverend Lewis: Reverend Mather? Cotton: [Sniffs] Agrimony? Reverend Lewis: The... Apothecary's suggestion. Cotton: A herb with no medicinal value. Used historically in exorcisms. Reverend Lewis: Mm. She wakes. Cotton: Mercy? Can you hear me? Mercy: Yes, Reverend. Reverend Lewis: She looks well. Cotton: Eyes clear. Skin temperate to the touch. Reverend Lewis: Bless God. Mercy: [Coughing] Cotton: My God. What is this? Reverend Lewis: The barber bled her humors. She hasn't sufficient time to heal. [Music plays, indistinct conversations] Mary: Anne. What a lovely surprise. I anticipated only members of the board. Anne: Oh, I convinced my father to let me attend. One can't pass up the rare gathering in Salem that doesn't involve a noose and an angry mob. Beautiful, isn't it? Mary: Mm. Anne: A gift from my father. Mary: May I? [Sizzling] Exquisite. If you'll excuse me... Mr. Hale: Ah. And here I feared the guest of honor wasn't going to make an appearance at his own party. John: Well, I flipped a coin. Heads... I stay home. Mr. Hale: And tails? John: I flip again and pray for heads. No such luck. Mr. Hale: [Chuckles] Well, I think you'll find that you have more common ground with your fellow board members than you would have expected. John: Oh. They think Salem's gone mad, too? Mr. Hale: [Chuckles] Enjoy yourself, huh? [SCENE_BREAK] Anne: Captain Alden. How nice to see you amongst the living... so to speak. Mary: Valerian root? You've resorted to the coarse tools of the hunters. Mr. Hale: Yes. Well, sadly, I can no longer take the safety of my loved ones for granted. Apparently, there are those in Salem who are not above threatening the lives of children. Mary: Hm. She's no child, magistrate. Certainly not, judging by the way she lusts for John Alden. Cotton: Mrs. Sibley. I came straightaway with news. Mercy Lewis is free of her possessor. Mary: You're certain? Cotton: My exam was thorough. I could glean no remaining evidence of the demon inside. Mary: How serendipitous. Cotton: Perhaps beyond good fortune. This is evidence of the witches' waning strength or waxing fear... a testament to the potency of our resistance. Mary: Forgive me, uh, Reverend, as I am but a layman in these matters, but how did she free herself from Satan's grasp? Cotton: I detected traces of agrimony, as well as an incision in the girl's abdomen, leading to my supposition that an exorcism had been performed. Mary: An exorcism? A catholic ritual performed in Salem, and you have the audacity to present this as good news? Do you know what Salem abhors even more than a witch, Reverend? A catholic. Yet under your most watchful eye, you've now allowed both to flourish. When could this have happened, Reverend... when you were distracted by drink or by whores? Cotton: Mrs. Sibley... Mary: Replacing demons with heathens is no victory. Seems even when you succeed, Reverend, you find a way to fail. Mr. Hale: We live in a time of war, our enemies hidden among us. And so there could be no better time than this to welcome a new ally in our fight against the dark forces that threaten our town. Witches will be no match for a war hero. The newest member of our board of selectmen... Captain John Alden. John: What if the witches were not the common folk? Not those who trapped our food nor birthed our babies? What if the witches were those we've entrusted to lead? A member, perhaps, of our most esteemed board? Well, I hope not, 'cause I'm one of you now. [Light laughter] And, together, I trust we will end the scourge that blights this town. Gloriana: Reverend Mather. Cotton: I'm sorry, Gloriana... [clears throat] Miss Embry... but it has been a very trying day, and I have not yet begun to prepare tomorrow's sermon. Gloriana: I simply wish to thank you... for showing me the depth of your care yesterday in the public house. Cotton: And so you have, Miss Embry. Though I assure you that separating you from that unsavory character was a mere act of charity. Gloriana: Charity? Cotton: So, too, pity. Gloriana: Pity and charity? Cotton: I'm afraid. Gloriana: And it had nothing to do with feeling? Cotton: [Scoffs] Not beyond the feeling I possess for any of God's needy creatures... a hungry child... A wounded animal. Gloriana: A whore? Cotton: Glori... Miss Embry, you know I detest such words. Gloriana: But in the house of the lord, there can be no deceit. Isn't that what you preach? That a whore is a whore? Just as one would never say "pity" when they meant "passion"... "Charity" when they meant "envy." Cotton: Envy? Gloriana: At the thought of another man's mouth on mine, his body pressed against mine... His loins enveloped in mine. Cotton: Lord, forgive her impiety. Gloriana: Is that the same lord that you invoke from my bed as you thrust in and out of me? The same lord that you thank as my tongue traces down your chest or up your thigh? That same lord to which I pray that your promise to return will never be an empty one? Cotton: Gloriana, you mustn't be here. Gloriana: Or what? What will you do here... in the house of the lord? Cot... cot... Cotton. Cotton. Cot... cot... aah. [Gasps] No. Please. Gloriana: [Groans] [Whimpers] Cotton: [Groaning] [Breathing heavily] [Coins clink] [Footsteps departing] William: Mr. Sibley. My name is Hooke... William Hooke. And I have cargo on your frigate detained in port. Yet your wife refuses to lift the quarantine. Now, whilst Mrs. Sibley's beauty is beyond dispute, what woman truly grasps the necessities of a man's vocation? They... S-sir... Has your illness rendered you deaf and dumb? I... George: [Groaning] [Grunts] Mr. Hale: I'm a bit upset with myself, Captain. John: Why? Mr. Hale: I invited you to my home under false pretense. In hoping to gain your trust, I have clearly done the very opposite. John: What's your point, magistrate? Mr. Hale: Perhaps it would have been wiser for me to simply tell you the truth about who and what I am. John: And what's that? Mr. Hale: A concerned father. Three days ago, my daughter was spelled... or so I believe. John: And yet when she asked, you... Mr. Hale: I lied... yes. How could I let her know that there are those out there who wish to do her harm? You see what they've done to the Lewis girl, her mind no longer her own. What if my Anne is their next target? You and I have a common enemy... the witches who would do my Anne and all of us harm. John: And who are they? Mr. Hale: This remains a mystery. John: I must admit, uh... I underestimated you. Mr. Hale: Well, thank you. John: You are full of far more [Bleep] than I thought possible. Maybe you did not spell Anne. Maybe your explanations have been genuine. But I don't think so. I think you're dirty. And once I find proof, all of Salem will, too. [Door opens] Tituba: He requested you, yet shows no signs of agitation. Mary: That will change. Breaking into my home? Do you know what happens to thieves in Salem? William: No. But I know what happens to witches. Mary: What's this? William: Perhaps a question best asked of Mr. Sibley. Mary: My husband's affliction has robbed him of both reason and sense. William: [Chuckles] And yet are either actually required to point the finger in Salem? Mary: I care not for threats, Mr. Hooke. William: And I care not to resort to them. So, perhaps, we could avoid bringing this note to the attention of the board of selectmen. Mary: Grant you access to my ship or face your most scurrilous accusations? Fine. At midnight, the ship's sentry will be sent home, and you can retrieve your cargo. Now out with you. [Door closes] Tituba: Does my sense betray me? He could undo you! All of us! Mary: And so could Mercy. The familiar has been cut from her. Tituba: How? Mary: An exorcism... performed by her dolt of a father, no doubt. So we must replace it. Tituba: And yet why would she accept it a second time? Mary: She wouldn't, unless there is some part of the girl to which we can appeal. Tituba: And what part is that? Mary: The same part you once touched in me... the deep, small piece of her that longs for a better life. Tituba: You must move quickly, then. I, alone, will take charge of Mr. Hooke. Mary: But, Tituba... These are perilous times. No blood must lead back to our door. Do you understand? Tituba: Perfectly. Rose: Had I known you were a friend of John Alden's, I would have found another courier. William: I can assure you, we are not friends. If you knew the truth of the man, you would rethink such an accusation. Rose: And what truth is that? William: In any case, the impediment has been removed. The package shall be yours by midnight. Rose: You did not speak my name to her? William: I did as instructed. But, still, I can't help but wonder... this parcel... Rose: You have been paid well not to wonder, Mr. Hooke. Mary: Mercy. Mercy: [Screams] Leave me. Mary: I won't leave you. I can't. You need me. Mercy: [Whimpers] [Crying] You're a liar. I don't need you. Mary: When you resist me, when you point at a demon that only you can see, what do they do? They shave your locks. They weep for your wretched soul. Mercy: Go away! Go! Mary: Without me, you are but a girl, weak and ordinary. But with me inside you, you are... Omnipotent. Mercy: [Sobbing] Mary: Hush, now. Give them no cause to pity you. Give them only reason to fear you. Mercy: [Panting] No! No! Mary: Open, girl. Open your mouth. Yes. Just like that. He has chosen you to be his vessel on earth. There is no greater honor than to be in his service. Mercy: [Screaming] Reverend Lewis: What? What? What? What? What? Mary: She is mine. John: Tituba? Tituba: Mary is in trouble. I am but a servant, Captain, unentitled to such an intrusion. John: What is it? Tituba: I fear you and my mistress share a common adversary... Mr. Hooke. John: How did you know that he... Tituba: I saw you quarreling in the Warren off the square. He demands access to my mistress' ship. Why? To retrieve some worthless parcel, as he claims? Or does he harbor darker intent? John: He plans to rob her. Tituba: So my mistress fears. John: Why did Mrs. Sibley allow him to board that vessel? Tituba: He left her no choice. He threatened to spread false rumor of an affair... with you, Captain. She sought to reason with him, but... John: He is not a man that responds to reason. Tituba: Mrs. Sibley would lash me if she knew I had come, but I fear Mr. Hooke will be her ruin. Unless... John: Speak, girl. Tituba: Unless there be a man who desires to stop him. [Creaking] Mr. Hale: You have feelings for him, don't you? Anne: "Him"? Mr. Hale: Must I say his name? Was it not obvious to all who were present this evening? Anne: Is it not a woman's prerogative to choose which man she fancies? Mr. Hale: It is. Just as it is a father's prerogative to protect his daughter's heart from those he feels will do it harm. John Alden, for instance. Anne: Why do you say this? Because he doesn't curry your favor, like every other twitchy young man in Salem? Mr. Hale: No. That is not it. How could he ever be yours truly when he always was and always will be Mary Sibley's? Anne: Their history is no secret. But it is just that... history. She is a married woman now. Mr. Hale: And do you suppose Mary Sibley will idly stand by while you claim that which she rightfully considers to be her own? Anne: You fear her, father. I do not. Mr. Hale: You are but a child. You don't understand. Anne: [Chuckling] A child? A moment ago, you agreed I was a woman. Mr. Hale: It's not for debate. Anne: By whose command? Mr. Hale: By mine! Your father! Your lord and master! I forbid you to have further contact with Captain Alden! Anne: Or what? What punishment awaits me? Will you crush the life from me, as you do your enemies? Or just my spirit, as you do those you love? Mr. Hale: Quiet! Not one word more! John: Put it down. William: No. This parcel belongs to me. A claim that even Mary Sibley cannot dispute. John: I'm not here on her behalf. Now put it down. William: [Chuckles] Ask yourself, Captain... Is it really worth it? John: What? William: The cost of settling old scores. What would be the charge if the magistrate knew what you did? Murder? Treason? Both? [Chuckles] John: You know what happened that day. William: Yes. I watched you spill innocent blood. Without regret or remorse. Men slaughtered like animals. All of them... dead. John: Not all of them. We had a deal, Mr. Hooke... the day you fell to your knees and begged for your life that should I let you live, we would never cross paths again. You didn't hold up your end. William: Now, think this through, Captain. John: Oh, I have... thoroughly. And the only life I lament that day was the one I spared. A man should keep his promises, Mr. Hooke. William: So you're... Just going to slit my throat here, like some yellow horse? John: No. William: No. [Gasps] John: [Panting] John: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Sleeplessness seems to be epidemic this evening. John: [Chuckles] Mary: Do you remember the last time we spoke, in the shadow of the graveyard? John: Of course. Mary: The promises we made? You would return within a year. John: And you would breathlessly wait. Were they lies? Mary: No. They were wishes. Made by those that knew nothing of the world. John: And now? Mary: We know. What we desire and what we must do to survive are often at odds. It's, uh, late, Captain. John: It is. Mary: Long past my bedtime. John: I wish you sweet dreams, Mary. Mary: Perhaps they've already begun. Mercy: [Laughing] I know what you are. [Laughing]

Plan: A: Salem; Q: Where does a face from John's past come to? A: Mary's plans; Q: What nearly comes apart when Mary loses control of Mercy Lewis? A: Mary's most trusted ally; Q: What is Tituba to Mary? A: a threat; Q: What does Tituba have to eliminate? Summary: A face from John's past comes to Salem, and Mary's plans nearly come apart when she loses control of Mercy Lewis. Elsewhere, Mary's most trusted ally, Tituba, is forced to deceive John in order to eliminate a threat that endangers her mistress.

Degrassi Hazel: It's all about the tight satin shorts, if you ask me. Jimmy: Ooh, tight satin shorts. We're there. (He high fives Spinner) Paige: Then pencil it in, boys. Retro roller skating party. Ashley: Retro roller skating party? That sounds cool. Paige: Funny how something is cool one year, and so totally uncool the next. Kinda like people. Ashley: I get it Paige. You don't have to invite me to your dumb party. Paige: Oh, but I was hoping you could take drugs, act like a total freak, and destroy everything. Oh wait. You did that last year. (Paige and Hazel go inside and Spinner and Jimmy follow) Ashley: I don't get it. It was just one mistake. All right, one big mistake. Terri: It'll all blow over. Ashley: Or it won't. I want my friends back, Ter. And just standing by is not gonna make that happen. Homeroom Paige: Which do you like better, left profile or right? Hazel: It's not a fashion shoot. Paige: But it's our photo day, and I want it to be just perfect. (She goes to sit down and she sees Ellie in the seat next to her) Elie, right? Ellie: Uh huh. Paige: Here's the deal. Hazel and I, best friends. But, Hazel's stuck on the other side of the room. You, however, are right here. Ellie: And you want me to switch? Paige: I knew you'd understand. (They wait for Ellie to move) Um, hon? Maybe you didn't hear me. Ellie: I did, loud and clear, thanks. (Paige and Hazel look at each other. Then Hazel goes to sit down. Paige sighs. Ashley comes over to talk to Paige) Ashley: Hey Paige. Paige: Okay, this is so not the time to talk to me. Ashley: Just for a sec, please? Paige: What? Ashley: You and I have been friends since grade two. That's like seven years, half our lives. Paige: Is this an apology or a math lesson? Ashley: An apology. What I called you... Paige: I believe the word was hag. Ashley: It was wrong. I was the real hag and I'm sorry. (Ellie listens to Ashley. Ashley goes to sit down) Mr. Simpson: Morning folks. Photo day is coming and I've got the forms to prove it. (Ashley looks over at Paige, Paige looks at her too) Hallway Toby: (Sees an anime poster) Man, I can't believe how many sites are devoted to anime. JT: Not this again. Toby: JT, anime is the biggest development in animation in years. JT: And I really don't care. And I think it's for geeks. Emma: Anime is actually very current. Toby: See? She knows about anime. Who's your favorite character? Ashuhara? Emma: I said I know about it, I didn't say I liked it. JT: See? Manny: Toby, girls aren't into that stuff (Sees Craig) Hey Craig! (She and Emma go over to him) JT: You see Toby? That's what girls are into. Toby: It's sure not me. I may be the first Jewish monk. (He walks away) Grade 9 Science Class Ms. H: All right, so what molecule do you get when you have two atoms of hydrogen and two atoms of oxygen. (Spinner is looking at her legs) Uh, Gavin. Gavin? (He looks up at her) Spinner: Uh, yeah. Sorry, Ms. Hatzilakos, I don't know. Ms. H: Hydrogen Peroxide. Or very blond hair if you're not careful. (The bell rings) All right, remember the first twenty elements on the Periodic Table for next class. Ashley gets up and goes over to Jimmy. Ashley: Jimmy. (He goes to leave) Stop and listen, please? I'm really sorry for humiliating you, for being cruel, and what happened with Sean. (It shows Spinner is standing there, waiting for Jimmy) It was the drugs. It wasn't me. Jimmy: You make it sound like it was no big thing. Ashley: It was. And I've been paying for it, Jimmy. I spent the summer in counselling. (He sits down) You okay? Jimmy: Yeah, I just, I missed you, Ash. I missed you a lot. Ashley: I missed you too. It hasn't felt the same. Even my mom misses you. Jimmy: Really? Ashley: Toby too. His basketball game is totally hurting without your help. Jimmy: Well maybe I could come over sometime. If Toby would want me to. Ashley: You know what? I think he would. Jimmy: Okay. (Ashley leaves. Spinner looks at Jimmy) Media Immersion Toby: Hey, Mr. Simpson, is that, uh, anime drawing CD-rom in yet? Mr. Simpson: Uh, sorry, Tobs. I forgot you wanted it, and I lent it out to something else. Toby: All right who's got it? Kendra: Me. (Toby looks at her. You can tell he likes her) Mr. Simpson: Toby Isaacs, meet Kendra Mason, my biggest anime fanatics. Kendra: Meet me at lunch tomorrow and I'll hand this off. What do you say? Toby: Great. I'll see you at lunch then. Okay. (He starts to leave + hits the wall. Kendra laughs at him then he leaves) Outside Paige: Guys, this is classic Ashley. She's sweet-talking her way through all of us. Jimmy: Paige, come on. Paige: Come on, what? Jimmy: If I can forgive Ash, then so can you. Paige: You still like her, don't you? Jimmy: We-we had a good talk, like old times. Spinner: Yeah, totally like old times. Ash has been missing Jimmy, too. Paige: Okay, am I the only sane one here? Hazel: Or the only threatened one. Paige: What did you just say? Hazel: I said, maybe you should let it go. Ash made a mistake. She apologized. Paige: You guys might be right. But, if you're not, Ash better watch out. (She rolls her eyes) Cafeteria Ashley hands Sheila money for her lunch. Sheila: Listen, Queen Bee, this isn't a soup kitchen I'm running here. Ashley: I know. I'll bring the extra dollar tomorrow, I promise. Sean: (He sees what's going on) Hey, I got that. (Craig watches) Sheila: (He gives her the money) Saved by the next in shining denim. (Gives her a milk) Next. Ashley: Thanks for that. Sean: Don't worry about it. Ashley: So, how long are we going to pretend like nothing happened? Haven't we paid for it by now? Sean: If you say so. Ashley: I do. Friends, okay? Sean: Yeah. (She walks away) Craig: (He goes over to Sean) Are you ever going to tell me what happened between you two? Sean: Party last year. We hooked up. Craig: And she's ignored you ever since. Well she's not ignoring you now. (He walks away. A bell rings) Grade 9 English Class Ms. Kwan: Ok. Twelfth Night. Act five. Everything all wrapped in a Shakespearean hollywood ending. (She writes on the chalkboard. As she does, Ashley walks in. Paige moves her bag so Ashley can sit down) The only thing I dislike more than lateness, Ashley Kerwin, is people trying to get away with it. See me after class. Ashley: Sorry, Ms. Kwan. (Ms. Kwan nods and goes back to writing) Paige: Let's, uh, hang a bell around Kwan's neck, 'cause she's a total cow. (Hazel laughs. Paige looks at Ashley. Ashley smiles.) Ashley's house She's in her room trying on clothes for photo day as Terri sits in a chair putting on make up. Ashley: Okay what about this? (She turns around in front of the mirror) Terri: What about this massive zit on my face the day before photo day? Ashley: They can photo shop that out. (Ashley picks up shirts and sees which one to wear) Nope. Nope. Terri: Someone's in a good mood. Ashley: Someone's had the best day in a long time. I should have apologized months ago. It's all about knowing what you want and then going for it. (The phone rings) Hello? Sean: (Shows him outside his house) Hey. It's-it's me. Ashley: Hey you. (Lowers her music. Mouths to Terri "It's Sean") Sean: Hey, uh, listen what are you doing this weekend? Ashley: This weekend? Um, I don't know. Why? Sean: I don't know, I was thinking maybe if you wanted we could catch a movie on Friday. Ashley: Yeah, sure, sounds great. Sean: Really? Yeah, okay, uh, I'll see you tomorrow at school. (He hangs up) Ashley: (She hangs up too) Okay, Sean Cameron just asked me out. Remind me, did last year even happen? This is incredible. Terri: I guess. Ashley: No, it's perfect. It couldn't be better if I wanted it to be. Terri: But what about Jimmy? What will he do when he hears you're dating Sean? Ashley: I'm not dating anyone. And I'm not Jimmy's girlfriend. (She gets up) Terri: I know, but maybe you should just keep a low profile for a bit. Ashley: Ter, one day when a guy likes you, you'll understand how this works. (Realizes what she said) I didn't mean it like that. (It shows Terri shocked at what Ashley said) [SCENE_BREAK] Degrassi - Boys Washroom. Spinner: Isaacs. Toby: Hey Spinner. Spinner: Kendra Mason, do you know her? She's short, dark hair, cartoon freak. Toby: Uh, yeah. Why? Spinner: Well, she seems to know you. She wouldn't stop talking about you just now, actually. Toby: Really? Cool. Spinner: Not cool. See, her last name is Mason, my last name is Mason. Gee, what's the connection? Toby: You're brother and sister? No, but she's-she's... Spinner: Adopted, moron. And only in grade seven. So go near her, I turn your glasses into contacts. (He leaves) Hallway Paige is at her locker with Terri who's putting on make-up. Ashley walks by. Paige: Hey s*x kitten. Hot outfit. Ashley: Not looking bad either, Michalcuk. (She heads upstairs. After she leaves, Terri and Paige start walking. Terri rolls her eyes at Ashley) Paige: Um, what was that? Terri: What was what? Paige: That little rolling trick you did with your eyes. That's my move. Terri: It's nothing. We were talking about Ashley's date with Sean on Friday, and Ash said something mean to me. Paige: You're kidding. A date, Ashley and Sean? Terri: So? They're just going to a movie. Paige: So? Jimmy is still totally in love with her and she made him think there was some hope. I knew this would happen. Terri: Paige, come on. Paige: She doesn't care what she did, she's playing all of us. Terri: She's not. Paige: You're right. She's not. Not anymore. I'm gonna make sure of that. (She walks away) Science Class They're doing a lab. Ms. H: All right, so now what we're gonna do is we're gonna take some dry ice and we're gonna place it in water. (As she talks, Ashley and Jimmy look and smiled at each other as Paige watches). Ok, so this experiment illustrates the sublimation process. We have frozen carbon dioxide, or dry ice, and basically, (She places it in the water) it gets destroyed in the water. Paige: Gee, that uh, kinda reminds me of two other elements. This (meaning the beaker) is Ashley Kerwin. (Picks up the ice) And this is Jimmy Brooks. Jimmy: That's, that's really funny, Paige. Paige: You know what I heard? Friday night, Ashley, a date. Not you. Gee, guess who? Ms. H: Paige, Jimmy. The experiment, please. Observe and take notes, okay? (Paige puts the ice in the water) Hallway Toby: I finally meet the girl of my dreams. So cute. So into the same things as I am. JT: And so related to Sasquatch. Just forget about her. Look there she is. Come on. (She waves at Toby) Toby, let's go. Fine, but wipe the drool off your chin. Kendra: Hi Toby. Watch Ashuhara last night? Toby: Yeah. I love Ashuhara. Kendra: Me too. So lunch today? Toby: Yeah, lunch. (Spinner sees them talking) JT: Uh, sorry to break this up. Big foot's heading this way. (Toby sees Spinner) Let's go. (They run away. Kendra watches them with a confused face) Hallway Sean is at his locker. Jimmy comes up to him and shuts his locker. Jimmy: Sean Cameron. Sean: Jimmy Brooks. Thought me and you were cool, man. Jimmy: There is no me and you. Sean: Fine by me. (Opens his locker. Jimmy shuts it again.) Jimmy: One warning though. You stay away from my girl. (He pokes him as he said it) Sean: What are you talking about? Jimmy: Ash and I are a thing again. Sean: Really? Jimmy: Yeah, really. Sean: Guess I'll have to ask her that when I take her out on Friday. (They start fighting) Craig: Hey! Hey! (He breaks it up) Take it easy. You all right? Sean: Yeah, I'm fine. If Jimmy knows what's good for him. (Jimmy walks away) Media Immersion Ashley: Hey Jimmy. Jimmy: Don't talk to me, you slut. Ashley: What did you say? Jimmy: That's a word for girls who cheat on their boyfriends. Ashley: You're not my boyfriend. Jimmy: Yeah, well, I was last year when you went and messed around with Sean and now you want to do it all over again? (He leaves the room. Shows close up of Ashley's face. The bell rings) Hallway PA: Attention would Mrs. Chitlo's grade seven homeroom and Ms. Kwan's grade eight please head to the gym. The gym A kid is getting his picture taken. Photographer: Perfect, thanks. Liberty: So do you think this look works? I went for sharp yet casual. Emma: You look great, Liberty. (She goes over to Toby, who's looking at Kendra. Kendra sees and waves, but he doesn't wave back. He looks away. Emma makes chicken sounds) Toby: Shut up. Emma: I'm trying to help you, Toby. You like her, she likes you. Toby: Her brother likes to maim and kill. JT: With his teeth. Toby: Look, Spinner almost caught me talking to Kendra earlier. Emma: And? Toby: And I don't wanna die. (Kendra tries to get his attention but he looks away) Cafeteria Paige and Hazel are sitting at a table. Ashley goes over to them. Paige: If you worry about blinking Hazel, you'll blink. Just trust the camera. (She sips her soda) Ashley: (Now wearing a Degrassi sweatshirt) Guys, I'm so glad I found you. I think maybe I made a big mistake... (She goes to sit down, but Paige moves her bag to the chair) Paige: There's no room at this table. Ashley: Oh. Um, I thought... Paige: You thought wrong. (Ashley leaves) The key is to think about someone really hot like Brad Pitt. You'll keep your eyes open and you'll have a genuine smile on your face. (Terri comes to the table) Terri: What was that all about? Paige: Nothing. Terri: Are you sure? Ash looked upset. Paige: Hon, it's simple, really. Four years of high school. Will you spend them cool with all of us? Or as a big outcast loser with one of her? You decide. Hallway Toby is walking when he bumps into someone. Girl: Watch it! (He falls down. He sighs as he gets his stuff) Kendra: (She comes over and gives him the CD) Take this. I'm down with it. Where were you at lunch? Toby: Lunch? I had some work to do. Kendra: Really? And what about the gym earlier? You ignored me then too. I don't get it. What did I do wrong? Toby: It's just that you're in grade seven and I'm in grade eight. (He sees Spinner watching them) Kendra: And we can't be friends? Why not? (She sees Spinner too when she turns around) You're afraid of my brother. Toby: No. That's not it. Kendra: Look me in the eye and tell me that's not it. (He can't do it) Coward. (She leaves) Ashley at her locker. Sean comes up to her. Sean: Hey. (She turns around) Friday night, we can see whatever you want, you know? It's up to you. Ashley: Okay, great. Um, but I was wondering, would you totally hate me if I postponed? Sean: You don't want to go out with me, do you? Ashley: I do, but... Sean: But you're seeing Jimmy again, right? Ashley: This has nothing to do with Jimmy. (He looks over and sees Paige) Sean: Does it have to do with Paige and... Yeah, whatever. (He walks away. Ashley slides to the floor) Ellie: That went well. Hallway Toby sees Kendra and Spinner. He starts to leave but decides to go talk to her. Toby: Spinner. Spinner: What do you want? Toby: I want to talk to your sister. Spinner: Isaacs, move on. Now. Toby: (He starts to leave but doesn't) No. Kendra and Spinner: No? Toby: No. Spinner: You are aware that I can rip out your bowel + eat it for breakfast? Toby: Yeah, I'm willing to take that risk. Spinner: As long as you know what happens if you break her heart, we're cool. (He leaves) Kendra: Best me around again and I'll rip out your bowel myself, Isaacs. Want to go for ice cream? Gym Ashley is ahead of Hazel and Paige. They're whispering to each other about her. Paige: Nice sweatshirt. (They laugh. Ashley looks at them) So sad. (Terri comes in) Ashley: Ter, over here. (She looks at her and at Paige. Paige and Hazel wave at her. She goes over to them. Paige puts her arm around Terri and look at Ashley) Photographer: Miss? (Ashley sits in the chair) What a long face. A girl as pretty as you should never frown. Ashley: Just take the picture. Photographer: Not until you smile. Ashley: Take the picture please. (He takes the picture. It ends showing a close up of Ashley's face, as she realizes what she's really done to her friends.)

Plan: A: Ashley; Q: Who tries to make amends for her actions at her house party? A: fewer friends; Q: What does Ashley end up with after trying to make amends? A: a date; Q: What does Ashley make plans to go on with Sean? A: the new girl; Q: Who is Toby smitten with? A: Spinner's sister; Q: Who is the new girl? Summary: Ashley attempts to make amends for her actions at her house party and ends up with fewer friends than she had before when she makes plans to go on a date with Sean. Meanwhile, Toby becomes smitten with the new girl, without realizing she's Spinner's sister.

"The Bone That Blew" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER EXT. VIRGINIA - WOODED AREA - NIGHT [POACHER #1: following POACHER #2: through the forest. Both are holding flashlights.] POACHER #1: : I'm tellin' ya, this... this is a bad idea. POACHER #2: Huh..I heard there's an eighty foot tall black walnut tree back here. POACHER #1: Uh huh? POACHER #2: We can get fifteen grand for just one tree! POACHER #1: This is government property! The road said "closed" in big red letters! POACHER #2: So we get in, we get the wood, we get out. [POACHER #1: shines his flashlight up at a large tree.] POACHER #1: Is this it? POACHER #2: What are you, a moron? This tree is coniferous. POACHER #1: Carnivorous, what? It eats meat? POACHER #2: No, numb nuts. Needles and cones. POACHER #1: Oh. [Dude #1 shines his flashlight up into another tree and sees a large chunk of bone nestled in the branches] POACHER #1: Those don't look like cones to me. [POACHER #2: shines his own flashlight up into the tree and sees that there are several additional bones scattered throughout the branches. Eventually his light hits upon a partial human skull.] POACHER #2: Holy mother of God. [POACHER #1: screams loudly.] [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - MAIN AREA - DAY] [DR. CAMILLE SAROYAN and DR. TEMPERANCE BRENNAN are walking together through the lab, arguing.] BRENNAN: How could you have hired him? CAM: Your father was the best candidate. BRENNAN: Well, are you sure? Dad is an excellent liar. CAM: He's also an excellent science teacher. I called the school where he taught... BRENNAN: (interrupting) Well, fifteen years ago! CAM: And after fifteen years, they still remember him. They named their lab after your dad! I thought you'd be pleased. BRENNAN: Well, you were incorrect! Is there a probation period? CAM: Yes. BRENNAN: Well, what would please me is if you terminate him at the end of that time. [BRENNAN and CAM come to a stop. CAM looks confused as BRENNAN walks away and into an EXAMINATION ROOM, where her father MAX KEENAN is in the midst of a science experiment with a group of CHILDREN] MAX: OK, kids, everybody put on their goggles. BRENNAN: Hello? MAX: Hi, honey. Hey. Okay! Ready? ... aim, fire. [MAX: turns on a laser set up on a table to fire through a large block of red Jello.] CHILD #1: The light refracted.! MAX: Yeah, now why is the light visible? CHILD #2: Because the Jello molecules are close together. MAX: Yeah, but that's not magic, that's... CHILDREN: ??? MAX: K, the Science Way. [BRENNAN, highly irritated, flicks on the lab light switch. MAX turns off the laser.] MAX: Science Squad, meet my daughter. The world famous anthropologist, Temperance BRENNAN. Of course, I taught her everything she knows. BRENNAN: Actually, I went to college. I have multiple degrees. MAX: Well, tell the uh, kids a little something about refraction. BRENNAN: (Engaging and stepping further into the room) Snell's Law states that the angle of incidence is related to the angle of refraction, where V equals the wave velocities through the respective media and N equals... MAX: (Cutting BRENNAN off for the sake of the confused children) Nifty, that's very nifty. But wha-what was your favorite example when you were a kid? BRENNAN: Rainbows. CHILD #3: Rainbows! I love rainbows! MAX: Yeah, rainbows. She used to make me drive her all the way across town, the other side of the rainbow. She didn't believe that light came out of the back of a raindrop. Yeah. So, are there any questions for our, uh, scientist? [All the children eagerly raise their hands, several shout "me!"] BRENNAN: (Backing out of the room) I have to examine the frontal bone of a...dead person's skull. Maybe another time, kids. [Exit BRENNAN] MAX: Gee, dead person's skull. Ain't that a kick in the head?! [The children laugh] [CUT TO: EXT. VIRGINIA - WOODED AREA - DAY. The location where the bones in the tree were discovered is now buzzing with FBI agents and crime scene technicians. There is a flurry of activity: Photographs are being taken, samples collected, etc. BRENNAN stands under the tree with her partner, SPECIAL AGENT SEELEY BOOTH. Both are looking up at the bones, which are being collected by a technician.] BRENNAN: Most likely a wind deposited them there. BOOTH: That seems most likely. BRENNAN: Well, the bones didn't come from the ground, and they didn't come from the sky, that leaves the wind. [Enter PARK OFFICER NORMA RANDALL, who marches up, clearly upset.] OFFICER RANDALL: Those people over there? (nodding to agents) Need to clear out. [BRENNAN walks over to examine bones which have already been collected and are arranged on a nearby table.] BOOTH: Okay, well those people over there are looking for the rest of that. (motions to already collected bones) OFFICER RANDALL: They're right in the middle of the masked booby migration path. BOOTH: Masked booby. You're kidding. [BOOTH walks over to join BRENNAN] OFFICER RANDALL: The Department of Fish and Wildlife does not kid, Agent BOOTH. BOOTH: Okay, you just have to give me a minute, okay, you can have your boobies all to yourself. (to BRENNAN ) Okay, what do we got? BRENNAN: (holding up a bone) This one's a portion of the sacrum. It's definitely human. There's char marks. [BRENNAN lifts the bone to her nose and sniffs it] BOOTH: Oh, God. You know I hate when you sniff and smell dead things. BRENNAN: (ignoring BOOTH) Fresh burn. Days or weeks rather than months. [BRENNAN's current grad student assistant, WENDELL BRAY, appears in the background. He holds up a bone and calls to BRENNAN] WENDELL: Found a hyoid! BOOTH: Oh, he found a hyoid. [WENDELL approaches with the hyoid bone, which he presents to BRENNAN] WENDELL: Dead guy's hyoid. BRENNAN: (taking the hyoid) "Guy" as in sexually non-specific urban colloquialism, or in reference to the gender normally associated with pen1s, Mr. WENDELL? WENDELL: Uh...the pen1s? BRENNAN: (examining the hyoid) Similar char marks. BOOTH: (to OFFICER RANDALL ) Any fires in the last couple of weeks? OFFICER RANDALL: No. BRENNAN: The body of the hyoid is fractured. WENDELL: Strangulation? BRENNAN: This man was murdered, we'll need to search this entire area. BOOTH: (to OFFICER RANDALL) According to my scientists, your boobies are out of luck. CREDITS ACT I [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - MAIN AREA - DAY is walking through the lab towards the EXAMINATION PLATFORM. On his way, he encounters MAX: , who is walking towards BOOTH.] MAX: Hey, good afternoon, Agent Booth. BOOTH: Max? MAX: Wish I could stay and chat, but I gotta go pick up my new employment ID. [MAX pats BOOTH on the shoulder, then grabs his bicep.] MAX: Ooh, guns of steel! [MAX slaps BOOTH's arm and wanders off] BOOTH: (To MAX's retreating from) You work here now? Max, you... (to himself) You work here now? [BOOTH swipes his ID and walks up onto the main examination platform, where CAM and BRENNAN are examining the remains from the tree.] CAM: I can still make out the accelerant pour pattern. Victim must have been doused post-mortem. I'll have HODGINS run it through the mass spec. BOOTH: (to BRENNAN) Your dad works here now? BRENNAN: Not my idea. CAM: She wants me to fire him. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: This is a crime lab! My father is a bank robber and an accused murderer. CAM: Booth's killed more people than Max has, and he works here. BOOTH: Don't bring that up. Why'd you have to bring that up? CAM: In fact, Dr. Brennan, you've also killed a person. And, I'll point out, Max was never convicted. So, in the eyes of the law, he's never killed anyone. BRENNAN: Why are you defending him? CAM: Why aren't you? BOOTH: He is your father. BRENNAN: Whose sperm hit whose egg shouldn't determine who works here. CAM: Come o-he's showing kids around the museum. What can it hurt? BRENNAN: Let's get to work, please. CAM: (begrudgingly) Nothing definitive on cause of death. Of course, We don't have a lot to work with. BRENNAN: I did find an anomaly. The victim suffered a compression fracture sometime between 3 and 6 months prior to his death. BOOTH: Why is that an anomaly? BRENNAN: Compression fractures are normally associated with osteoporosis, but the sacral vertebrae haven't even undergone final fusing. CAM: Not even 30 years old. BRENNAN: The fracture must have been the result of trauma. A motor vehicle accident, parachute jumping...It would have been very painful. BOOTH: 20-something with a bad back. You gotta give me something here more to go on, Bones. [CAM's cell phone rings, she walks over to a desk to answer it.] BRENNAN: Well, I would love to give you more, BOOTH, but that would involve fantasy, which would be futile. CAM: (into phone) Dr. Saroyan?...Eeexcellent. I'll check my e-mail. [CAM hangs up the phone and calls to BOOTH] CAM: It's your lucky day, Booth. [BOOTH and BRENNAN walk over to CAM, who is now using a computer] CAM: We ran the victim's bone marrow? We got a hit on the Armed Forces DNA Registry. [CAM pulls up a picture of a man in uniform] CAM: Here's your guy. Calvin Warren. BOOTH: Force Recon. Marine Corps Special Ops, toughest of the tough. BRENNAN: The kind that parachute out of airplanes and get vertebral compression fractures? BOOTH: You know what, you are a genius, okay? So the Marine Corps say where this guy got to? CAM: They don't know. Warren was honorably discharged three years ago. Marines tried to track him down, see if he wanted to re-up, even checked his credit cards and bank accounts but he's totally off the grid. BOOTH: Would his back be bad enough to medicate? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: 'Kay fine, I'll just order a search of the controlled substance database, I'll see if I can get an address. You guys can go back to your bone play. [Exit BOOTH] [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY. DR. JACK HODGINS and WENDELL BRAY are examining one of the victim's bones and discussing it with CAM] HODGINS: (lifting the bone) Can you believe how light this thing is? [HODGINS passes the bone to WENDELL] WENDELL: I'd say six grams. CAM: No way these bones were burned in an ordinary wood fire. WENDELL: A wood fire burns at eight hundred degrees Fahrenheit, human flesh needs fourteen hundred to ignite. HODGINS: Why do you know that? WENDELL: I got an uncle who's a funeral director. Crematorium will incinerate a grown man down to five or six pounds. CAM: These weren't cremated. The bones would be drier and the flesh would be completely gone. HODGINS: Meaning that the burn was hotter than a wood fire and cooler than a crematorium. CAM: That's a thousand-degree range. HODGINS: I may be able to ID the accelerant. WENDELL: I think we need a broader picture of the burn conditions. CAM: How are you gonna do that? WENDELL: (to HODGINS ) We could experiment. HODGINS: (to CAM) Oh. Ohhh. Is that what you're after here? CAM: You'll recall I mostly disapproved of your experiments with Dr. Addy. HODGINS: You didn't disapprove of the results. CAM: You have me there, Dr. Hodgins. [Exit CAM] WENDELL: I can't tell if we're doing an experiment or not. HODGINS: Not. [CUT TO: INT. ROYAL DINER - DAY. BRENNAN is having lunch with MAX. They are arguing about MAX's employment with the Jeffersonian.] MAX: See, I... I don't see what the problem is. BRENNAN: It's a crime lab! You're a convicted felon. Your presence taints the evidence. MAX: But I'm not gonna be around any evidence. Basically, I'm just gonna be firing lasers through stuff. [In the background, DR. LANCE SWEETS enters the diner and removes his coat. He notices BRENNAN and MAX and walks towards them.] MAX: Oh, look! There's the doc that told the jury that I was a sociopath. Hey! Please, sit down, Doc. How are ya? [SWEETS sits down with BRENNAN and MAX] SWEETS: Likeable sociopath. MAX: So, Cam wants Hodgins to design an experiment to figure out how hot a fire was. BRENNAN: (bothered) Yeah, how hot a fire was that burned a body. SWEETS: What body? BRENNAN: The bones in the tree murder victim; which is a crime we cannot discuss. MAX: Yeah, but I know exactly how that experiment should go. BRENNAN: You aren't adequately credentialed to design an experiment, Dad. SWEETS: Can I ask what's really going on between you? MAX: Tempe doesn't want me working at the, uh, Jeffersonian. SWEETS: Why? BRENNAN: It's a conflict of interest. We catch criminals, my dad is a criminal. SWEETS: That would be valid. BRENNAN: Thank you. SWEETS: If it were your real reason. But it's not. BRENNAN: Yeah, yes, it is. SWEETS: No, it's not. BRENNAN: Yeah, yes, it is. SWEETS: No, no. BRENNAN: Yeah-huh! SWEETS: No, it's not. BRENNAN: Mm-hmm! SWEETS: No. And, and this can't be resolved between you until you confront the real reason behind your feeling. MAX: What do you say it is? SWEETS: Well, at the time you abandoned your daughter, 15 years ago, you were a well-regarded science teacher. Now...here you are, basically in the same situation. And subconsciously, she doesn't want to risk feeling that sense of abandonment and bereavement again. MAX: Boy, that is such a load of crap. (to BRENNAN) You are far too rational for that. BRENNAN: Exactly. [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - ANGELA'S OFFICE - DAY. ANGELA MONTENEGRO is standing at a computer, holding a clipboard. CAM enters, carrying a file.] CAM: FBI got a hit off the controlled substances database? I just got off the phone with Booth. Cal Warren had a prescription for Oxycodone, written by a Dr. Antonia Ezralow, office in Chevy Chase. ANGELA: Could she provide an address? CAM: DR. EZRALOW has never heard of Calvin Warren. Plus, she's a dermatologist. Very rarely writes prescriptions for pain medication. ANGELA: So he probably stole her prescription pad. (motioning to her computer, which is open to MySpace) Here's his MySpace page, and I have to say? he doesn't look much like a drug dealer. What a waste. Tall, dark, handsome and dead. CAM: Too bad he's blocking his address. ANGELA: Well, let's see. (she zooms in on a picture of the victim on his MySpace page.) This is the house across the street. Now, if I were a house number, I'd be right about here. (She zooms in again) I crop it so all we got is the reflection. Reverse and resize. Tweak the contrast, find some edges. (she does all this and the house number becomes clear) CAM: "3-2-9-4." So he's across the street from 3294, but what street? ANGELA: (indicating the photo) Well, 1880-ish architecture, square bay front... Let's assume the D.C. Area. CAM: Check out the lamppost. ANGELA: Yeah, It places us in one of the two historical districts where they still use those cast iron modified bishop's crook street lamps. CAM: For an artist, you make a pretty good detective. ANGELA: I think you just insulted me. (they both laugh) Okay. Now, I do a search for 3294 in those two zip codes. (she seaches) And I come up with...(the computer displays an address) Mad skills, babe. [Angela and Cam high give one another] [CUT TO: INT. 3294 7TH STREET - WASHINGTON DC - DAY. BOOTH and BRENNAN are inside the victim's house, investigating his belongings.] BOOTH: The landlord said that Cal Warren worked crazy hours, you know, he kept to himself. Every time the landlord asked, you know, what he did for a living, he dodged the question. BRENNAN: Maybe he liked his privacy. BOOTH: What, So much that he pays his rent in cash? I don't know, Bones, something is weird, It's not right. BRENNAN: There's no letters, No photographs, not even...a bill. BOOTH: So did you persuade Cam to fire Max? BRENNAN: What, you think my dad should be allowed to work at the Jeffersonian? BOOTH: What? You know, she's just, you know, trying to do you a favor. BRENNAN: Well, I didn't ask for a favor. BOOTH: Sometimes you don't need to ask. Got a passport. (looking through it) This guy's been to countries I haven't even heard of. [BRENNAN pulls a small white card out the pocket of a jacket hanging on a coat rack.] BRENNAN: What is this? BOOTH: I don't know. (he reaches into a drawer and pulls out a pile of money) This is something we're familiar with. Foreign currency. Lots of it. [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - ANGELA'S OFFICE - DAY. CAM and ANGELA walk from the main lab area into ANGELA's office. ANGELA is holding a key card.] CAM: Booth found this in tall, dark and handsome's drawer. (indicates the card) ANGELA: It's an RF proximity card. CAM: And that would be...? ANGELA: Basically, it's a super fancy key card. You wave the card in front of the reader, it logs your info, and the door opens. CAM: Any way to figure out what door it opens? [ANGELA puts the card into a reader attached to her computer.] ANGELA: Well, if the info on the card isn't too heavily encrypted... I heard you tried to get HODGINS interested in doing an experiment. CAM: Let's just say I planted the seed. [ANGELA pushes some keys on her keyboard and a window of code, apparently from the keycard, appears.] ANGELA: Huh. CAM: What? CIA? NSA? ANGELA: No. Dupont Circle. [CUT TO: INT. BOOTH'S SUV - WOODBURY SCHOOL - DAY. BOOTH drives up to the school's gate and swipes the keycard against the reader. The gate opens, and BOOTH drives in. He parks, leaves his SUV, and passes several security agents in suits and dark glasses as he attempts to enter the school. The front door is locked; BOOTH notices an intercom near the door and presses it.] BOOTH: (into the intercom) Special Agent BOOTH, FBI. [The door buzzes and BOOTH enters the school.] [CUT TO: INT. WOODBURY SCHOOL - DAY. BOOTH is examining a model of a spaceship in the school. Children walk around him on their way to class. HEADMASTER DONNEGAN approaches and shakes BOOTH's hand. As they speak, they begin walking together.] HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: Ah. Welcome to the Woodbury School, Agent BOOTH. BOOTH: Hi, how are you? What's with all the security? HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: It's precautionary. Our student body includes children of diplomats, heads of state, CEOs... [A child passes them on the stairs.] CHILD: Good morning! [The headmaster nods and smiles at the child, keeps on walking.] HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: How old is your child? BOOTH: Parker? Uh, he's seven. HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: Has he been evaluated? BOOTH: He does just fine. HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: Most applicant families engage an educational consultant. I mean, it's not a requirement, of course, but... BOOTH: (cutting him off) I, I...Mr. Donnegan, I think you got this all wrong. HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: I know it seems crazy, but given the demand, we can only accept the most qualified applicants. BOOTH: Parker's a great kid. HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: The problem is keeping him that way, isn't it? Sixty-eight percent of our students matriculate to Ivy League universities. It's not because of our electron microscope or AP classes... It's because of our Honour Code. Any violation results in immediate dismissal. Now, why don't I get you an admissions packet? BOOTH: Actually, I'm here because of a murder investigation. HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: I'm sorry? BOOTH: One of your parking lot access cards was found in the apartment of a victim, Cal Warren? HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: He's not a parent or an employee, I would know the name. BOOTH: Maybe we could check your computer. HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: Of course. [Donnegan swipes the card to access his office] HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: No one is issued a key card without security clearance. [Donnegan holds the door open for BOOTH, they enter into the office.] BOOTH: Thanks. HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: One of our fathers actually implemented the security system. He's deputy director of the CIA. [Donnegan sits down at his computer and keys in a search.] BOOTH: Really? HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: There he is, Calvin Warren. BOOTH: Did he happen to work for the CIA? HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: No, actually, he works for the president. BOOTH: Of the United States? HEADMASTER DONNEGAN: Parents Association. As a nanny. BOOTH: A nanny? END ACT I ACT II [INT. BOOTH: 'S SUV - OUTSIDE WASHINGTON, DC - DAY. BOOTH and BRENNAN are driving on their way to interview the victim's employer. As they drive, they discuss the Woodbury School.] BOOTH: Twenty-eight grand a year. I didn't pay that much for four years of college! BRENNAN: If you think it's so ridiculous, why did you save the application? BOOTH: I didn't save it. I just didn't have a chance to throw it out yet. BRENNAN: You don't have to be embarrassed, It's perfectly normal to want the best for Parker. BOOTH: Public school was good enough for me, it's good enough for my kid. BRENNAN: Of course it is. Probably. BOOTH: What's that supposed to mean? BRENNAN: Parker is a bright, engaged little boy. I'm sure he'll do fine in a large classroom. I did. BOOTH: Except... BRENNAN: Except what? BOOTH: Your dad was a science teacher. You're a scientist. BRENNAN: Yes, my education was enriched at home. BOOTH: That's what I gotta do! Enrich Parker at home. BRENNAN: In what academics are you qualified to offer enrichment? BOOTH: Well... [BOOTH has no answer and looks lost. The SUV drives up to a large mansion, the home of the King family. Outisde, ELSBETH KING is issuing instructions to a housekeeper, ETHEL, as they walk. MRS. KING is evidently frantic and on her way out.] MRS. KING: Ethel, could you grab my bag, please? I am on my way to the Children First board meeting. (Ethel passes her the bag) Thank you. (to a passing dog-walker) Oh, Wexler has the groomer at three. [BOOTH and BRENNAN approach, Ethel retreats.] BOOTH: Excuse me. Elsbeth King? MRS. KING: Yes? [BOOTH shows MRS. KING his badge.] BOOTH: We're with the FBI. BRENNAN: Do you know a Mr. Calvin Warren? MRS. KING: He was my nanny... What happened? BOOTH: That's exactly what we're investigating. [CUT TO: INT. PARLOUR - KING MANSION - DAY. BOOTH and BRENNAN are sitting and interviewing MRS. KING while she drinks a bottle of water.] MRS. KING: Cal dropped off the face of the earth on Sunday. He was an excellent nanny. BOOTH: Well, how is it that an ex-Special Ops guy becomes a nanny? MRS. KING: My husband, Richard handles defense contracts. The Middle East, South America... There were kidnap threats a couple years ago and Richard was concerned. He offered Cal twenty-five hundred a week. BRENNAN: That's very good pay for...a babysitter. MRS. KING: Cal was more like a bodyguard. Do you suppose that's what got him killed? Someone after my children? BRENNAN: ...Um... BOOTH: Could we speak to your children? MRS. KING: Of course. [CUT TO: EXT. KING MANSION - DAY. ALEXA: KING and her brother ROYCE KING are in the midst of playing a game of chess with giant pieces. They are wholly uninterested in BOOTH and BRENNAN and are much more focused on their game.] BOOTH: Okay, so what time on Sunday did you last see Cal? ROYCE: Why? BRENNAN: (irritated) Because it's pertinent to our investigation. ROYCE: Wei shenme ta wen zhe ge wen ti? ALEXA: Wo bu zi dao. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: Mandarin Chinese. ROYCE: My father says the Chinese will run the planet in ten years. He figures it'll be useful. BRENNAN: That's very smart. BOOTH: Okay, well, here, today, okay, I run the world. ROYCE: Bun tyen-shung duh ee-dway ro. BRENNAN: (laughing) He just called you a stupid, inbred stack of meat. BOOTH: Really? I'm sorry, do you have something to say to me? ROYCE: Dui bu qi. Xie xie. BRENNAN: He, he apologized. BOOTH: Good. So, you want to tell me what happened on Sunday? ROYCE: Well, Cal dropped me off at the algebra tutor around eight, then took Lexie to check out a new horse. ALEXA: In the afternoon you had a game against All Saints. ROYCE: Lacrosse. I got this. [ROYCE brushes his hair back to show a scar on his forehead] BOOTH: Let's see. Ow...And Cal took you to the emergency room? ROYCE: No. He knew one of the moms was a doctor, so, he figured she'd do a better job. BRENNAN: Looks like the work of a plastic surgeon. ROYCE: No, dermatologist. DR. EZRALOW. Very competent. [BOOTH and BRENNAN, recognising the name, look meaningfully at each other.] [CUT TO: INT. BOOTH'S SUV - WASHINGTON DC - DAY. BOOTH and BRENNAN are on their way back into town from the King residence and are discussing the new development in the case.] BRENNAN: The ROYCE boy was stitched up by the same doctor who said she didn't know Cal Warren. BOOTH: Mm-hmm, I'm having her brought in for questioning. You think those kids are better off than Parker? BRENNAN: Yeah, Of course they are. They have every advantage: a wonderful school, a successful father, mother committed to charity work... BOOTH: (scoffing) I spend more time with my houseplants than they do with their kids. BRENNAN: Well, children of privilege have always been raised by staff. It's how the upper one percent stays the upper one percent. Assuming quality education and adequate supervision, parents are actually rather irrelevant beyond a certain age. BOOTH: You're kidding me. BRENNAN: Look at this, they start Latin in third grade. That's fantastic! BOOTH: No, You know what's more important than academic enrichment? A loving environment. You ask anyone. BRENNAN: Parker is a wonderful child, BOOTH. You shouldn't feel inadequate. BOOTH: Yeah, well I'm perfectly capable of raising my own kid. BRENNAN: You're being defensive. BOOTH: I am not. BRENNAN: It's because you only have one child, when you procreate in multiples, there's less pressure. BOOTH: Thank you. I feel much better. [CUT TO: INT. BOOTH's OFFICE - FBI BUILDING - DAY. BOOTH is leading DR. ANTONIA EZRALOW into his office for an interview.] BOOTH: This way. Have a seat. DR. EZRALOW: I apologize, Agent BOOTH. When you called and asked if I knew a Calvin Warren... I just didn't put it together with the King's nanny. BOOTH: Oh, so you did know him? DR. EZRALOW: Yes. But just as Cal. My son is on the same lacrosse team as the King boy. BOOTH: Did you have any more dealings with him? DR. EZRALOW: I'm afraid not... Actually, no, that's not true. I'm sorry, again. Calvin came along with us one time when I took the uh, King children up for a ride. BOOTH: A ride? DR. EZRALOW: I'm a pilot. I own a Seneca Five. Cal got sick, and, well, the boys thought that was hilarious. BOOTH: You wouldn't happen to know how Cal Warren got a prescription for painkillers from you? DR. EZRALOW: Oh. Isn't that obvious? That's why he brought ROYCE King to me to be stitched up. To steal my prescription pad. BOOTH: I have no further questions, so, you know, thanks for coming in. DR. EZRALOW: I feel stupid for not being able to put the face with the name. I'm so sorry for wasting your time. BOOTH: No worries. Have a nice day. [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - MAIN AREA - DAY. HODGINS approaches CAM, who is walking across the lab carrying a file.] HODGINS: Hey! Soooo, you know that thing where you insist that all information goes through you? CAM: Yes, and I'm afraid I'm immovable on the subject. HODGINS: And you send out little emails summarizing the case so far? CAM: Yes, plus I check those e-mails to see if they've been opened. [They approach the main examination platform together. CAM swipes her access card and they walk up onto the platform.] HODGINS: That's a very good system. CAM: Thank you. HODGINS: Because if you weren't checking, I probably never would have read the email that said BOOTH questioned a flying dermatologist. CAM: I hope you're not trying to get some free lotion. HODGINS: I ran the accelerant sample through the GC mass spec. There were traces of tetra-ethyl lead. CAM: Have we changed the subject? HODGINS: No. Because if you hadn't been so a**l about the emails, I never would've known that I discovered something that wasn't merely interesting, but vital to the investigation. CAM: Which is tetra ethyl lead? HODGINS: Tetra-ethyl lead was a common antiknock additive in gasoline that went out with catalytic converters and unleaded gas. CAM: Does the flying dermatologist drive a vintage car? HODGINS: Maybe. But for sure, the flying dermatologist flies a plane. CAM: Aviation gas? HODGINS: The victim's remains were incinerated by aviation gas. CAM: (opening her cell phone and dialing BOOTH) I'll let Booth know. Hopefully, she hasn't flown the coop while you were getting to the point. [Exit CAM: ] HODGINS: (calling after her) I was just trying to be nice! [SCENE_BREAK] [CUT TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - FBI BUILDING - DAY. BOOTH is now in the process of interrogating DR. EZRALOW. He has a binder in front of him on the table.] BOOTH: You lied to me. DR. EZRALOW: Yes. I wrote Cal a prescription for painkillers. I shouldn't have. That's the truth. BOOTH: Yeah, not this time, Doc. Now that I know that you're a world-class liar. (he removes a small stack of papers from the binder and sets them in front of him) I came just a little bit more prepared this time. Take a look at those there (indicating the papers). DR. EZRALOW: (looking over the papers) My flight logs... BOOTH: Mm-hmm. DR. EZRALOW: For the past year. BOOTH: Yeah. Mmm. Oh, look it here, this one here. Right here. [BOOTH points to one of the flight logs, where Cal Warren's name is highlighted on the passenger list.] DR. EZRALOW: Yes, I took Cal flying a few times. BOOTH: Mm-hmm, without the kids? This one here is my favorite. (indicates paper) This particular flight to New York. You were gone the whole weekend. DR. EZRALOW: All right. All right, I'll tell you what you want to know. No. My husband didn't know I was having an affair with the Kings' manny. Would I have killed Cal to prevent him from finding out? No, I would not. Why? Because my husband doesn't give a damn who I boff. Do I know anyone else who might wish Cal ill? Yes. Richard King. BOOTH: Don't stop, this, this is great. Keep going. DR. EZRALOW: Cal told me to sell a stock. He said he had some insider knowledge that uh, this company was in trouble. I took the tip, made a killing. That's when I flew him to New York to say thank you. And he said "you're welcome." All weekend. BOOTH: (chuckling) What's this have to do with Richard King? DR. EZRALOW: It was Richard King's company. END ACT II ACT III [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY. HODGINS and MAX are standing at one end of a large glass tube filling most of the room- a wind tunnel they've devised. On the other end of the tunnel is a tree.] HODGINS: How's that look, MAX? MAX: Good, looks good. HODGINS: Never thought I'd be doing another experiment. [Enter BRENNAN] BRENNAN: Dad, what are you doing in here? HODGINS: Max had a great idea for an experiment. BRENNAN: Dad, you said you wouldn't touch evidence! [WENDELL suddenly appears from under the tree] WENDELL: He's been very careful not to touch the evidence, Dr. Brennan. HODGINS: You know, your old man, he reminded me why I got into science. BRENNAN: To catch murderers? HODGINS: No. To figure stuff out in amusing ways. WENDELL: The bones were incinerated by aviation fuel. MAX: They just need to know, uh, how strong the wind was, basic. HODGINS: So, figure out how big a wind blew the bones... WENDELL: Check the weather charts. [HODGINS and WENDELL go about setting the tunnel up to conduct the experiment] MAX: Basic, that's very basic. BRENNAN: This is the same wind tunnel you helped me build for the science fair. MAX: Right, yeah, a basic wind tunnel, honey. You won first prize. WENDELL: I made casts that weigh the same as the bones we found in that tree. MAX: All right, now... [They turn on the wind tunnel] HODGINS: We put the skull cast into the wind tunnel, since that was the largest artifact on the tree. MAX: I didn't touch anything. HODGINS: The bone begins to move at wind speeds of forty-two miles per hour. WENDELL: Not enough net force to achieve aerodynamic lift. HODGINS: But, crank it to sixty-nine... [HODGINS: adjusts the wind speed as such and the bone cast flies into the tree.] WENDELL: I checked the National Weather Service? There were windstorms that in area last week. A strong nor'easter hit seventy-one miles per hour late last Tuesday. HODGINS: That gives us a fourty-eight hour window for Calvin Warren's murder. But, we still don't know where he was killed or where the body was dumped. MAX: Wait a minute, I can figure that out. BRENNAN: Dad, you're fired. WENDELL: What? MAX: (ignoring BRENNAN) The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. WENDELL: NOAA tracks surface conditions. HODGINS: We can calculate where the bones started out if we can plot approximate mass and reverse the path of that nor'easterly. WENDELL: The heavier remains will still be near the original dump site. MAX: (to BRENNAN) You see, I'm helping! HODGINS: Oh, most definitely is helping. BRENNAN: I'm sorry, Dad, but you're fired. You took part in a forensic experiment. You said you wouldn't, but you did, so now you're fired. [Exit BRENNAN] WENDELL: (calling after her) Dr. Brennan, he didn't touch any of the evidence! MAX: It's okay, kid. Never mind. [CUT TO: EXT. - LACROSSE FIELD - WASHINGTON DC - DAY. BOOTH and BRENNAN walk past a children's lacrosse game; the kids are calling plays to each other animatedly. A crowd of parents and siblings watch on the side.] LACROSSE PLAYER #1: Nice assist, Mick! Now cage him out, quick! LACROSSE PLAYER #2: No, Mick! Pass it! Pass it! [BOOTH and BRENNAN come across ALEXA KING, who is watching the game from the sidelines.] BOOTH: Hi, Alexa. How are you? Shouldn't you be like, studying algebra or Chinese, or solving the world's problems? ALEXA: I'm cheering for Royce. He's the goalie [ALEXA points to her brother. BOOTH and BRENNAN continue along.] BOOTH: I watch football. You know, it's a better sport. It's American. BRENNAN: Lacrosse was invented by the American Indian. You can't get much more American than that. [BOOTH and BRENNAN come to DR. EZRALOW who is sitting in a foldable chair on the sidelines, holding her BlackBerry.] BOOTH: Hi. DR. EZRALOW: Oh, God, what now? BOOTH: Well, I'm thinking about this whole insider trading thing. DR. EZRALOW: I told you everything. BOOTH: I'm thinking Cal, you know, gives you a tip on a stock, you sell it, you make two million, three million dollars, and uh... it raises questions in my mind. BRENNAN: How did Richard King find out that Cal spilled insider knowledge? BOOTH: That's right, Bones. DR. EZRALOW: I don't know. BRENNAN: Well, where were you between last Sunday and Tuesday night? DR. EZRALOW: (to BOOTH) Who is she? BOOTH: Don't get jealous, Doc. Just answer the question. DR. EZRALOW: I was in San Antonio doing skin grafts on a firefighter with third-degree burns. BOOTH: You've got your own plane. BRENNAN: You had time to fly back. BOOTH: You really want me to believe that Richard King killed Cal. BRENNAN: Cal Warren's remains were incinerated with aviation gas. DR. EZRALOW: I didn't kill Cal. BOOTH: You know what, she lies a lot. I don't think she can help it at all. [DR. EZRALOW pulls out a business card and hands it to BOOTH] DR. EZRALOW: This is my lawyer's card. BRENNAN: She's decided not to cooperate. DR. EZRALOW: No, I've decided to watch my son play lacrosse. [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - ANGELA'S OFFICE - DAY. ANGELA is using a large computer monitor with weather maps displayed on it to illustrate her findings to CAM and HODGINS. She is holding a stylus and tablet.] ANGELA: Okay, Here's the surface weather for Tuesday night, when that nor'easter blew the bones into that tree. [ANGELA changes to a different screen and marks a red X with her stylus.] HODGINS: Now, that red X, that's the tree. ANGELA: Mm-hmm. The bones must have traveled along this vector. [ANGELA draws a red line representing the vector] ANGELA: Now, given the duration of the gust and the terrain obstacles, lift off must have happened somewhere between here... and here. [She draws a line representing area of possible lift-off.] HODGINS: That's on the edge of Queen Anne's and Kent County. CAM: Good job, excellent experiment. HODGINS: Don't thank me. Thank Max Brennan. [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - EMPLOYEE LOUNGE AREA - DAY. BOOTH is pouring himself a cup of coffee when MAX approaches.] BOOTH: How's it goin' there, Max? MAX: That's the last day with my kids this afternoon. I'm toast. BOOTH: Cam fired you, huh? MAX: No, no. Tempe fired me. And don't tell me she hasn't got the authority, because, believe me... I feel fired. BOOTH: Sorry, Max. [MAX leans down to get a soda out of the fridge, BOOTH turns to leave] MAX: Can I ask you a question? BOOTH: (turning back) Sure. MAX: You, are you, uh... Are you sleeping with my daughter? BOOTH: No. MAX: Why? Are you gay? BOOTH: (amused) No. MAX: Is she not attractive enough? BOOTH: (serious) Bones is beautiful. MAX: Is it because of me? Because I killed one man, and we both know he deserved it. BOOTH: Right, just cut it out, Max, alright, I'll talk to her. Probably ain't gonna get anywhere with her, but... I'll talk to her. MAX: You're a good man. And I want that for her. And now I got to go blow up some soda for some kids. [CUT TO: EXT. WOODED AREA - WASHINGTON DC - DAY. BOOTH and BRENNAN are at the location determined to be where the victim's bones started out. There are several FBI agents and technicians searching the area.] BRENNAN: Okay, according to the calculations, the bones must have started out from somewhere in this vicinity. BOOTH: You know something, Bones? It's tough being a father. BRENNAN: Parker will be fine. Peer groups and random environmental factors are far more important than family. BOOTH: How's that a good thing? [An FBI TECHNICIAN: calls and waves to BOOTH] FBI TECHNICIAN: Over here! Agent Booth, over here. [BOOTH and BRENNAN run over to the technician and find a large section of scorched earth and bone remnants.] BRENNAN: This must have been where the... body was burned. BOOTH: You think? [BRENNAN kneels down and begins to examine the bones in the patch.] BRENNAN: Femur, pelvis...sternum. Gunshot trauma to the sternal angle. The buckshot embedded in the anterior surface indicates that the murder weapon was a twelve gauge shotgun. BOOTH: I thought Cal was strangled. BRENNAN: He was. Strangled, shot, and set on fire. BOOTH: Someone wanted to make sure he didn't get home. [BOOTH notices a large mansion in the near distance. There is a family crest affixed to the mansion's gateposts.] BOOTH: Hey, Bones, look at that family crest. Looks like that someone came from the Kings' country home. END ACT III ACT IV [CUT TO: INT. DEN - KING MANSION - DAY. BOOTH and BRENNAN are again in the Kings' mansion conducting an interview, this time with RICHARD KING, the patriarch.] BOOTH: Mr. King, we'd like to ask you a few questions about your nanny. MR. KING: I, uh, I really don't see how I can help you, Agent Booth. My wife deals with the staff. BOOTH: You own a 12-gauge shotgun? MR. KING: Yeah, several. You're welcome to examine them. BRENNAN: Two months ago, Cal gave an investor insider knowledge about your company. MR. KING: I didn't know that. BOOTH: And if you had known? MR. KING: I suppose I would have tried to fire him. BOOTH: Tried? MR. KING: I don't think that Elsbeth would have allowed it. BRENNAN: Was she having an affair with him? BOOTH: Oh, Bones, such a good one. MR. KING: You two need to learn focus. BOOTH: Excuse me? MR. KING: Focus. BOOTH: Focus. MR. KING: Either accuse me of killing Cal because he betrayed business secrets or because he had s*x with my wife, and then once you've chosen, then contact my lawyers. I'd go with the business motive. I'm very happily married. [CUT TO: EXT. KING MANSION - DAY. BOOTH and BRENNAN, having finished their interview, are leaving the mansion.] BOOTH: Okay, that guy is one cool customer. BRENNAN: Ooh, Cool like a... like a murderer? BOOTH: No, I don't know, okay? I just don't see him losing his temper or taking on some Special Forces vet, that's all. [The dog walker crosses in front of them and past a Ferrari with a very large dog.] BOOTH: All right, do you think that dog comes with a saddle? (noticing the Ferrari) Follow me, Bones, will you, for a second? [BOOTH walks over to the Ferrari, BRENNAN follows.] BRENNAN: What's going on? What are you doing? [BOOTH reaches into the open window and presses the button to pop the car's gas cap open.] BRENNAN: Are you going to urinate in the gas tank as an act of vandalism? BOOTH: You kidding me, Bones? I would never do something like that to this fine Italian automobile. Beautiful car. It's Italian, Bones. Just remember that. Italians make the best automobiles. (he removes his tie and dips one end of it into the gas tank of the Ferrari.) Yeah. There it is. Okay, Bones, give me, uh, one of your little baggies. BRENNAN: I didn't bring evidence bags. [They walk away, bickering] BOOTH: Thanks, Bones, Appreciate it. You come prepared. BRENNAN: Well, we're not at a crime scene. Why would I bring evidence bags? BOOTH: You always have evidence bags on you. [CUT TO: INT. ROYAL DINER - DAY. BRENNAN and MAX are once again sitting at lunch with SWEETS. They are seated at a table, holding menus.] MAX: I've, um... I've decided I'm gonna leave the Jeffersonian. SWEETS: Why? BRENNAN: Uh, because I fired him. SWEETS: You can do that? MAX: (chuckling wryly) Ohhh yeah. Believe me, she can do it. BRENNAN: Well, it's all about proximity to forensic evidence. MAX: Uh, don't take any offense, but that's a lot of crap. It's about a proximity to me. Right? [BRENNAN glares at SWEETS] SWEETS: (Off BRENNAN's look) Well, in my opinion, it isn't your father's presence that's causing you anxiety, it's the memory of his absence. BRENNAN: I can understand quantum mechanics, but I can't understand you. MAX: Well, I'll make it easy. I'm leaving the Jeffersonian. BRENNAN: Well, you are? MAX: But I'm staying with you. BRENNAN: Wha-oh, in my house? MAX: No. No, no. Wait, why, is that an offer? BRENNAN: No. Would you... Would you want me to offer? MAX: No, no! but thanks for the offer. BRENNAN: No, it wasn't an offer, it was just a question. SWEETS: He isn't saying he's literally staying with you. He's promising never to abandon you again. BRENNAN: I'm sorry, but if it wasn't for that evidence thing, I'd- I'd let you keep your job. SWEETS: That's simply not true. MAX: Hey, it's all right. We're good! [BRENNAN looks at SWEETS again.] SWEETS: (frustrated) Nothing I say has any impact! BRENNAN: I should get back to work. [Exit BRENNAN] MAX: Oh, geez. Did she leave any money? [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - CAM'S OFFICE - DAY. CAM is sitting at her desk, working on her computer. WENDELL enters, excited.] WENDELL: About the fractured hyoid? CAM: Yes? WENDELL: I was just remembering about a tapeworm. CAM: I'm gonna need more than that. WENDELL: There was a tapeworm in the line. The one that went to the beer keg. [CAM, confused, gives WENDELL a vacant look.] WENDELL: I was workin' as a barback a couple years ago. There's no flow from the tap line, first assumption: kink in the line, right? CAM: What else could it be? WENDELL: There was a tapeworm in the line. Eight inches long. I learned something from that. CAM: Drink bottled beer? [WENDELL turns to a computer and pulls up an image of the victim's hyoid bone.] WENDELL: The tap don't flow, you assume the line's got a kink. The guy's hyoid is broken, you assume he died from getting strangled. CAM: You found a tapeworm? I mean, metaphorically? WENDELL: Yeah, but I don't know if it's a tapeworm. I need Dr. BRENNAN. [Enter HODGINS] HODGINS: Dr. Saroyan? [CAM and WENDELL turn to HODGINS] HODGINS: I am so your most valuable player. [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - MAIN AREA - DAY. HODGINS is at his desk, using his computer to show his findings to CAM.] HODGINS: Now, this is the profile of the accelerant we found on the bones. CAM: Aviation gas. HODGINS: And this is the profile of the gas we took off BOOTH's tie. [HODGINS overlays the two profiles to demonstrate a near exact match.] CAM: Richard King's car runs on avgas? HODGINS: He could have siphoned it out of his own car to burn Cal Warren's remains. CAM: (indicating a slight difference in the profiles) And what is this anomaly? HODGINS: C6H8O7 . [CAM pulls out her cell phone and begins dialing BOOTH.] CAM: Citric acid? HODGINS: It's my considered belief that Agent Booth spilled orange juice on his tie. CAM: (laughing) I look forward to seeing him explain that to a jury. (into her phone) BOOTH: , it's CAM. I think you're gonna wanna get yourself a warrant to arrest Richard King. [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY. CAM, WENDELL, and BRENNAN stand over the victim's skeletal remains, arranged on a table. WENDELL is demonstrating his findings.] WENDELL: Fractures on the transverse processes of the C2. Both sides and the spinous process. And check out the occipital protuberance. BRENNAN: Oh, yes. CAM: Maybe this will help BOOTH keep Richard King in detention. BRENNAN: Cal wasn't strangled postmortem, he was dragged. WENDELL: Strangulation is the kink, dragging is the tapeworm. The pattern of marks is evenly spaced, as if it were from a series of connected prongs. CAM: What would do that? BRENNAN: A choke chain. CAM: Richard King's a big strong guy, I don't see him dragging a dead body around on a choke chain. BRENNAN: That's because he didn't. The angle of the fracture is eighteen degrees. WENDELL: Assuming a standard four-foot leash, whoever dragged the victim is at most five-five. BRENNAN: Elsbeth King. END ACT IV ACT V [CUT TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - FBI BUILDING - DAY. BOOTH is in the process of interrogating MRS. KING] BOOTH: So, you're sure you don't want your attorney present, MRS. KING? MRS. KING: Let's just get this over with. BOOTH: Okay, sounds good to me. Here's uh, what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that uh, your country home is less than a mile from the spot where Cal's body was burned. You had access to the shotgun, the aviation gas... MRS. KING: You know how many people work for us, Agent BOOTH? Every single one of them had access. BOOTH: Yeah, but I don't think any of them really would have cared if they found out that uh, Cal Warren was trying to destroy your husband's company. Hmm...You have a nice life. I'm sure you got really angry when you found out that it was all going away. Hm? MRS. KING: You don't understand. It wasn't about the money. I had to protect my family. [CUT TO: INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - FBI BUILDING - DAY. BOOTH, having just finished interrogating MRS. KING, walks into the observation room adjacent to the interrogation room. Inside is SWEETS, who has been witnessing the interview.] BOOTH: What do you think? SWEETS: In my professional opinion, she didn't whack him. BOOTH: What? Come on, Cal betrayed them. Come on, SWEETS. For once, you're right. Embrace the win, my friend. SWEETS: I'm sorry, but it's Kinesics 101. You pushed all the right buttons, but instead of her ego defense system triggering a stress-response state, she went straight to a tacit confession. BOOTH: Right, which means... she did it. SWEETS: No, it means she didn't do it. But she wants you to believe that she did. BOOTH: Why would she want to do that? SWEETS: 'Cause she's covering for someone. The only honest thing that she said was that she had to protect her family. BOOTH: So we're back to square one. SWEETS: Sort of. BOOTH: (sighing) Geez...Sweets? Let me ask you something. I mean, you're a smart guy, you went to private school, right? SWEETS: Yeah. With perfect attendance through sixth grade, might I add. BOOTH: Yeah, that's great. You don't think that I'm a lousy dad for not sending my son to private school? SWEETS: No, but you'd be a lousy father if you didn't torture yourself about it. BOOTH: Thanks. [BOOTH's cell phone rings, he goes to answer it.] BOOTH: Oh, hold on. (into phone) Booth. (It's Brennan on the other line) BRENNAN: (into phone) I reviewed the placement of the shotgun pellet wounds? The trajectory indicates that whoever shot Cal was significantly shorter than Mrs. King. I don't think she did it. BOOTH: Right. Thanks. (he hangs up the phone.) [CUT TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - FBI BUILDING - DAY. Gathered around a conference table are BOOTH, BRENNAN, MR. KING, MRS. KING and ALEXA KING. BOOTH has a laptop in front of him and is in the process of interrogating ALEXA] BOOTH: You see, we got a court order for your cell phone and your laptop. BRENNAN: You know, nothing you text or IM is really private. ALEXA: I knew that. BOOTH: Really? Because, you know, we checked your text messages, and uh, we found one from a couple of weeks ago that's a little weird. [BOOTH pulls up the message on his laptop, it is displayed on a large monitor beside him.] BRENNAN: This one is from the night that Cal was killed. "Bring it over now. Parents both gone." MRS. KING: (to Mr. King) Stop this, Richard! MR. KING: No, I want to hear it. BOOTH: It turns out that uh, ALEXA, here, had a project due on Ancient Greece. BRENNAN: Hmm. You spent three days complaining about it, Why didn't you just do it? ALEXA: I didn't want to. It was stupid. BOOTH: Stupid? Oh. [BOOTH pulls up another message.] BOOTH: How about this one? "Da manny will do it. He can't say no, he works for me." But Cal really did say no, didn't he, because you paid a hundred bucks to somebody else to do it for you. Someone by the name of Dakota Shearcroft? MR. KING: Oh, my God. BOOTH: Yeah. I think it's a stupid name, too. BRENNAN: So what happened? Did Cal catch you? ALEXA: He threatened to tell the school. MR. KING: Why wouldn't he have just told us? ALEXA: Cal said you wouldn't do anything. You never do. He said I had to learn a lesson. BOOTH: What kind of lesson? ALEXA: They would have kicked me out of school! Zero tolerance... My friends are at that school! I got the gun out of the garage and I shot him... Mom came home and saw. MRS. KING: I drove the body to the country house, took it into the woods, and burned it. She's my daughter, I had to protect her. MR. KING: No, you did what you always do. Make everything bad go away. BRENNAN: It's counterproductive to raise children in a world without consequences. BOOTH: Well, it looks like little Lexy here is going to have to come face-to-face with some pretty nasty consequences. But not the kind of consequences you're gonna have to face, Mrs. King. [FADE TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - LOUNGE - DAY. BRENNAN is looking down to the main area of the lab, where MAX is about to demonstrate an experiment to PARKER BOOTH. He is placing a bottle of soda on a table.] MAX: Okay, Parker, this is called the candy mint-soda experiment. You can do this for your dad at home. [BOOTH brings BRENNAN a cup of coffee, they stand and look down together.] BOOTH: So, Mom copped to conspiracy to avoid trial. She'll spend some time in prison. BRENNAN: How much? BOOTH: Not enough. My opinion, she ruined that little girl's life. BRENNAN: (sighing) What about the little girl? BOOTH: Removed from the family, institutionalized for a couple of years. BRENNAN: (scoffs) Then it's back to ponies and tennis lessons? BOOTH: Mm-hmm. BRENNAN: Well, Caroline should charge her as an adult. BOOTH: She's 11 years old, Bones. BRENNAN: Yeah, well, she's old enough to speak Chinese. BOOTH: Uh, they don't take that into account. Tell ya. Man, when that little girl killed Cal Warren, she killed the best father she had. BRENNAN: Well, sometimes it's hard to appreciate what you've got. [Down below, MAX is getting Parker to put candy mints in a tube suspended in the bottle of soda.] BOOTH: (proudly) Look at him! Parker's never liked science before. BRENNAN: So, are you still thinking of sending him to Woodbury? BOOTH: I torched the application. I'm thinkin' there's something to be said for middle class. You sure he's gonna be all right? BRENNAN: Sure! Well, probably. BOOTH: Probably, like, what do you mean, probably? What the hell are they doing anyways? BRENNAN: Disrupting the surface tension of a two-liter cola. BOOTH: Right. MAX: Is that the last one? All right, put it in the tube. And then we'll both take a step back. BOOTH: Don't fire Max. Let him keep his job. You know, he's a teacher, he's not a janitor. BRENNAN: I can't overlook the sanctity of the forensic lab, Booth... BOOTH: Yeah, maybe you can overlook it for me. BRENNAN: For you? BOOTH: Yeah. Personal favor. BRENNAN: What, like a partner thing? BOOTH: Partner thing. BRENNAN: (chuckling) I know you, Booth. You're trying to do me a favor by telling me it's a favor for you. BOOTH: No. Mm-mm, no, I... I can't afford that school. I can't enrich Parker, not with the science thing, but... you can, MAX can. [Below, the cola shoots a stream directly into the air, raising up to the height of the lounge BRENNAN and BOOTH are standing in. Parker and MAX react excitedly.] PARKER: Woah! Do it again? (to BOOTH) Daddy! Daddy! look what I did! I blew it up! BOOTH: Yeah, I saw little man. BRENNAN: Look at my dad! BOOTH: Look at my little boy there with your dad. BRENNAN: Okay. Yes. All right. BOOTH: Thanks, Bones. FADE END

Plan: A: a nationally protected wooded preserve; Q: What is the location of the tree? A: Brennan; Q: Who is opposed to her father's involvement? A: Jeffersonian; Q: What is the name of the lab? A: a teacher; Q: What is Brennan's father's new job? A: murder; Q: What was Brennan's father acquitted of? A: a government database; Q: Where were the victim's bones identified? A: nearly three years; Q: How long had the ex-Marine been off the grid? A: no records; Q: What records are there of the ex-Marine's whereabouts for the past three years? A: the team; Q: Who turns to the internet for answers? A: an ultra-elite private school; Q: Where does the investigation lead Brennan and Booth? A: rich and powerful families; Q: What kind of families did the investigation lead to? A: a "nanny; Q: What was the ex-Marine's job? A: an unlikely asset; Q: What is Brennan's father to the case? Summary: When a skull and various skeletal remains are found in a tree in a nationally protected wooded preserve, Brennan and Booth are on the case to investigate. Back at the Jeffersonian, Brennan learns of her father's new position as a teacher, a prospect she is less than happy to learn about, allegedly because of his recent acquittal for murder. In a lucky break, the victim's bones are identified in a government database as those of an ex-Marine who has been off-the grid for nearly three years. With no records of his whereabouts from the past three years, the team turns to the internet for answers. The investigation eventually leads Brennan and Booth to an ultra-elite private school and a group of rich and powerful families, one of whom the ex-Marine had worked for as a "nanny". As the investigation continues, the team finds Brennan's father to be an unlikely asset to the case, but Brennan is opposed to her father's involvement.

DUE TO BRIEF NUDITY AND ADULT THEMES, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - MGM -- NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARK - NIGHT] (A Young Man and a Young Woman are playing in the park. He's chasing her and she's running through the various park equipment. She laughing.) Butchy: You're going down! (She playfully weaves her way through the swings, laughing as she goes.) Butchy: I got you, I got you! I got you! I got you. (BUTCHY finally catches up to the girl. He pulls her down to the ground in the sandbox. They start kissing. He glances up and sees something. He stops kissing the girl, his eyes glued to whatever it is that he sees.) Girl: Butchy. keep going. (The girl turns her head to look. Partially exposed in the sand is the face of a dead person. She starts to scream.) FLASH TO WHITE: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARK -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks around the body. It still hasn't been touched.) Brass: You've been walking in circles for ten minutes. Grissom: There's no sign of struggle. Whatever happened, happened somewhere else. This is a secondary scene. Brass: Body dump? Grissom: Textbook. David, when we dig her up, I want you to tag her special processing. David Phillips: Yes, sir. Grissom: The only person who knows where the crime scene is has her mouthful of sand. Brass: A thousand square miles of desert in Vegas and this perp dumps the body in a sandbox. Grissom: He didn't put it here to hide it. He put it here to be found. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARK -- SANDBOX- NIGHT] Grissom: What do you think? Catherine: I think we got a van full of tools we can't use. Sand's a nightmare. (CATHERINE and GRISSOM sit off to the side looking at the scene trying to figure out the best way to get to the body.) Grissom: To get to the evidence, we may destroy the evidence. Catherine: You get these haikus out of a book or do they just come to you? Grissom: Every time you find a body, you have to choose a path and when you take that path, Grasshopper, you risk destroying the evidence. Catherine: We grab a trowel and some fine mesh screens and we just pretend like we're panning for gold ... Master. (Cut to GRISSOM scooping up some sand and sifting through it. GRISSOM finds a barbie doll half buried in the sand. He picks it up.) (Cut to CATHERINE sifting through the sand.) (Cut to GRISSOM dusting sand off of the body.) (Cut to CATHERINE sifting through the sand. The body is partially uncovered. GRISSOM is brushing sand off and away from of the body.) (Dissolve to a top view of the sandbox with the body fully uncovered.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ASTRO CASH CHECKING -- PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (A dark SUV parks. SARA and WARRICK exit the car. DET. SAM VEGA meets them.) Det. Sam Vega: Gunshot victim shipped to desert palms. Santee Cherna, 32. Runs this check-cashing joint. Warrick: Cash business, huh? Det. Sam Vega: You bet. Was shot in the leg making his weekly bank run. (They cross the crime scene tape.) Sara: Let me guess -- the guy makes his run same time every week. Det. Sam Vega: Night deposit. Warrick: He's either stupid or suicidal. Det. Sam Vega: We can't arrest people for that, unfortunately. Sara: Whole thing went down here? Det. Sam Vega: Sister heard a gunshot, saw a car take off. Sara: Okay, I'm going to do a once-around. Warrick: All right, I'll take the lot. (WARRICK settles in. SARA leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (The body found in the sandbox is now on the table. GRISSOM starts to take pictures. He makes special notice of the restraint marks on her ankles.) (Flash to white. The body is flipped over and GRISSOM continues to take pictures. He notices something on her back. He picks it up and puts it in a bindle.) (GRISSOM puts on his goggles and turns off the lights. He uses the ALS down her body. He finds something on the back of her calf. He picks it up and looks at it.) (Cut to GRISSOM washing the body. He sees multiple bruises on her back and thighs. GRISSOM also notes the restraint marks on her wrist.) (Cut to GRISSOM mixing a mold mixture and putting it on the marks on her wrist.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ASTRO CASH CHECKING - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (WARRICK is bagging the items found on the ground.) (WARRICK also finds a small orange flyer on the ground. He looks up and notices that there are small orange flyers on the wind shields of the parked cars ... all except one.) (WARRICK stands and approaches DET. SAM VEGA.) Warrick: You run this car already? Det. Sam Vega: Oh, yeah. The RO's our vic. That's his spot. Warrick: Right here? Det. Sam Vega: Mm-hmm. (Cut to SARA kneeling in the alleyway behind the store. She calls out to WARRICK.) Sara: Hey, Warrick! Check this out! (WARRICK walks over.) Warrick: We're dealing with some criminal genius here. Sara: Grab the money bag, slice it and run. Warrick: You forgot the "leave the evidence on the ground." Sara: Let's see. (SARA opens the bank bag left behind on the ground and leafs through the contents.) Sara: We got some checks, no cash ... and a deposit slip for $22,500. Warrick: So, our victim breaks out of the store with a bag full of dough ... Sara: Same time every week. Warrick: Guess somebody was casing the joint, huh? Sara: Or... it was an inside job. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CHECK CASHING STORE -- NIGHT] Carla Delgado: This morning everything was fine. Then some pendejo attacks my brother and we're out god knows how much money and now I'm stuck running this place alone. Sara: Um, Ms. Delgado, I know you're upset ... Carla Delgado: Upset? Upset is for white people, lady. I'm pissed off. My brother was just shot in the thigh, okay? That's awful close to serious if you know what I'm saying. Warrick: Ms. Delgado, how long have you been here? Carla Delgado: Six years. Warrick: You have insurance? Carla Delgado: You better have insurance. You take 15% of a man's paycheck just to cash it. People use us, but they don't like us. Warrick: Thank you. (CARLA DELGADO leaves. WARRICK, SARA, and DET. SAM VEGA walk out of the store.) [EXT. CHECK CASHING STORE - PARKING LOT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] Sara: So ... you think the brother might be behind this? Warrick: Well, I might bet my own paycheck on that one. Det. Sam Vega: But if that's true then our vic gets to collect the insurance money plus he gets to keep the money he stole for himself. Sara: Nice scam. (WARRICK holds up a sheet of colored paper advertisement for LUCKY LEE'S Chinese Restaurant.) Warrick: Check it out. What's the first thing you do when you see one of these on your windshield? Det. Sam Vega: Chuck it. Warrick: Exactly. But the only guy to chuck his was the victim. I found one on the ground next to his car. Sara: That means whoever put these here wasn't gone long when the brother was shot. (WARRICK nods.) Sara: Potential eyewitness. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] Robbins: She died two to four hours before she was discovered. Jury's still out on cause of death but considering the whip and ligature marks it's no stretch to say it was violent. Some of the scars on her back are years old. Some are fresh. Grissom: So what are we looking at? Rape, multiple sexual assaults? Robbins: That's the strange part. Her body's a road map of abuse but there's no sign it was sexual. She hasn't had intercourse in months. Catherine: I'm thinking trade-in. Some lowlife gets tired of beating on the old model so he punches her ticket and starts shopping around for a version 2.0. Grissom: Here's a woman who's been beaten on a regular basis but look at the care she's lavished on herself. (GRISSOM holds out her hands.) Grissom: Manicured fingernails, manicured toenails. Perfect teeth, hair. (CATHERINE lifts up the sheet.) Catherine: Not to mention some serious breast augmentation. That is not a Tijuana boob job. Those puppies are top-of-the-line (Quick CGI POV camera angles down to the deceased's chest, through her breast and to the saline enhancement underneath with the serial number 414-55-5401 on it.) Catherine: (V.O.) ... at least we've got a pair of saline leads. (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Catherine: (to ROBBINS) Can you grab me one of those? Robbins: Left or right? Catherine: Dealer's choice. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (GREG is grounding up something in a mortar. NICK walks in and peers over his shoulder to see what he's doing.) Nick: What up, Einstein? Ooh, you got anything there? Greg: You think Einstein had people hovering over his shoulders all the time? If he did, do you think that we'd be walking around with e=mc squared t-shirts? (NICK remains silent. He leans in to see what GREG is working on. GREG looks over his shoulder and gets annoyed.) Greg: Would you step back? Just give me some breathing room? Greg: Maybe I'll tell you something about the silver sliver that Grissom found on sandbox girl's back. Nick: It's all yours. (GREG puts the mixture on the card and puts it in the machine.) (Quick CGI POV as the machine processes the mixture on the card.) Greg: Let's see what the library has to say. (The computer screen flashes the results.) Greg: Tempered steel with aluminum coating. Nick: Then she was chained up. Greg: If she was, she was wearing something pretty funky. Nick: She was in the raw. Greg: Yeah, in a matter of speaking. Remember that sparkly stuff that Grissom got off her body? Nick: Yeah. Greg: I broke it down -- tree sap, ammonia and water. Nick: Sounds like frat house gravy. Greg: Liquid latex. Nick: Never heard of it. Greg: Really? It's all the craze right now, man. Girls paint it on guys. Guys paint it on girls. You can paint it on yourself if you want if that's what you're into. You can't get a date. Nick: I got it. Greg: Like I would know. Nick: Sure, sure. I got it, man. (NICK leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY] (A man is busy putting flyers under the parked cars windshields. SARA and DET. SAM VEGA round the corner to the parking lot. They're carrying cups of coffee.) Sara: Hey, is that our guy? Det. Sam Vega: Detective Vega, LVPD. Can I see some ID? Businessman: I am a legitimate businessman. My card. Sara: How often do you distribute around here? Businessman: On this street? Every Thursday and Friday. Is that a crime? Sara: Well, that depends. Did you see anything unusual last night? In the parking lot at Flamingo and Rhodes? Businessman: I don't know what city you live in, Missy but in Las Vegas, unusual is what happens when you leave the house. Det. Sam Vega: We can do this down at the station, if that works better for you. Businessman: Okay, okay. Um, some jerk told me if I touched his car he'd shove a flyer down my throat. Does that count:? Det. Sam Vega: Maybe. Did you get a good look at him? Businessman: Them. There were two. A couple of lowlifes in baseball caps. Sara: What about the car? Did you notice the make? Businessman: Honda, maybe. All those tin boxes look alike. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DR. CORNFELD'S OFFICES -- HALLWAY] (DR. SIDNEY CORNFELD walks down the hallway. CATHERINE calls out from behind him. He stops and turns around.) Catherine: Dr. Cornfeld? Catherine Willows, Las Vegas crime lab. I believe this is one of yours. (CATHERINE reaches into her bag and pulls out a plastic container with the implant in it.) Dr. Sidney Cornfeld: Oh, yeah. 414 series. Firm, but plenty of give. Catherine: Spare me the sales pitch. We removed that from a homicide victim. I've got a photo. Dr. Sidney Cornfeld: Judging by the size she had a pretty decent pair to start with. (CATHERINE opens the file she's carrying and shows the Doctor the photograph of the deceased inside.) Dr. Sidney Cornfeld: Oh, she was a pretty girl. Catherine: I'm going to need her name. (DR. SIDNEY CORNFELD reaches into his jacket pocket and checks his palm pilot.) Dr. Sidney Cornfeld: Let's see. Oh, yeah, here we go. Third-party billing, but I do recognize the address. They send me a lot of business. Mona Taylor. She must have worked there. Real shame. Catherine: I'll tell you what's a shame -- that she was so pretty and perfect and still thought she needed implants. Dr. Sidney Cornfeld: You shouldn't judge Mona for wanting to improve herself. Competition's intense especially for a young woman living in Las Vegas. Why don't you put yourself in her shoes. Catherine: Trust me-- I've been in her shoes. I got out of them. Dr. Sidney Cornfeld: Oh, yeah, why is that? Catherine: They were killing me. (CATHERINE leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LADY HEATHER'S DOMINION -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM, BRASS and CATHERINE walk up the driveway to an impressive home.) Grissom: Are you sure the surgeon said this is where Mona Taylor worked? Brass: Maybe she was a domestic. Catherine: No domestic has a $10,000 rack. Not even in Vegas. Brass: Well, the DMV records indicate that she hit town from South Dakota three years ago. I figure the bright lights faded and she snagged a sugar daddy. Catherine: How much business can one sugar daddy give a plastic surgeon? (They ring the doorbell.) Grissom: The eternal question to which we're about to find the answer. (The door opens and LADY HEATHER appears. Both CATHERINE and GRISSOM are casually taken aback. BRASS doesn't seem surprised at all.) Lady Heather: Let me guess -- three police officers looking for respite from having to control and dominate our big, bad city? Brass: Close-- one police officer, two criminalists. May we come in? (LADY HEATHER steps aside and they all enter the foyer.) (In the background, a whip cracks and a man groans.) Lady Heather: Another happy customer. (GRISSOM turns to look at LADY HEATHER.) Lady Heather: Now, would you prefer individual sessions or would you like to enjoy each other's submission? (GRISSOM turns to look at CATHERINE. She laughs.) Lady Heather: You don't have to decide now. Please, make yourselves comfortable and welcome to Lady Heather's Dominion. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LADY HEATHER'S DOMINION -- NIGHT] (The flashlight shines on a car's Nevada License Plate, IAM4FUN, with registration for 12/2001. Nick: That's her. Catherine: "I'm for fun". Right. Nick: She drove herself to work. Catherine: But she didn't drive home. (NICK walks away and starts looking around. CATHERINE checks the car driver's side door.) Catherine: It's still locked. (NICK opens the trash can. He picks through it. CATHERINE peers into the car from the window.) Catherine: Looks clean. (NICK finds something in the trash can. He picks it up to examine it.) Nick: Hey, Catherine .... come check this out. Catherine: What's that? Nick: Liquid latex. Grissom found some on the victim. Sanders did a trace analysis. Stuff peels off like a glove. Catherine: Handy. Nick: Yeah. What do you think that is there? Watch? (NICK notices the impression on the inside of the scrap of latex.) Catherine: Bag it. We can get a mold and try and track it down. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY HEATHER'S DOMINION -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM and BRASS follow LADY HEATHER up the staircase.) Lady Heather: Never lost one of my girls. Grissom: You don't seem very upset about it. Lady Heather: What you see and what I feel are two different things. Brass: Really? Were there any disturbances last night? Did you hear screams? Lady Heather: It's when I don't hear screams that I start to worry. Brass: Well, then can you tell us what time Mona got off? (The reach the top of the staircase. LADY HEATHER turns around to answer.) Lady Heather: Knowing Mona, every couple of hours. She enjoyed her work. Brass: There's no sexual contact or anything illegal going on here, of course. Lady Heather: Captain Brass, surely you don't think sexual contact is the only means of fulfillment. Brass: Lady Heather you don't what to know what I think. Lady Heather: Her last client was at 11:00. She would have left at midnight. Brass: Do you have any kind of log book? Some record of who was working that night? What they did with their time? That sort of thing? Lady Heather: Would that get you excited? Brass: Not particularly. But it might help us catch the creep who murdered Mona. Grissom: We need names and addresses. We also need to know which rooms she worked last night so we can examine them. Lady Heather: Mona worked the pool house. Give me a minute, I'll have to move some clients around. (CATHERINE and NICK appear on the bottom.) Catherine: Oh, there you are. Mona's car is in the driveway. It looks clean. Grissom: Okay, tow it to CSI and then start processing the rooms in the pool house where Mona worked last night. Catherine: And you will be...? Grissom: I'll be with Lady Heather. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY HEATHER'S DOMINION - LADY HEATHER'S ROOM -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM is looking around the room. He picks up a silver-plated mask from the dresser.) Lady Heather: Does all this fascinate you? Grissom: Yes. I find all deviant behavior fascinating in that to understand our human nature we have to understand our aberrations. Lady Heather: And you think what goes on here is aberrant? Grissom: I would say that whip marks and ligature contusions on a young woman are aberrant. Wouldn't you? Lady Heather: Every job has it's peculiar hazards. Rock stars damage their ear drums. Football players ruin their knees. In this business, it's scars. But no one who works for me has ever sustained a serious injury. Grissom: Mona did. She died. Lady Heather: Not because she worked here that's your assumption. What happens here isn't about violence. It's about challenging preconceived notions of victorian normalcy. Bringing people's fantasies to life. Making them real and acceptable. Grissom: Like the theatre. (GRISSOM puts down the mask he's holding and walks across the room.) Lady Heather: It's people who don't come to places like this that I worry about. The ones who don't have an outlet. Say ... someone like yourself. Grissom: Oh, I have outlets. I read. I study bugs. I sometimes even ride roller coasters. Lady Heather: And your s*x life? Grissom: It doesn't involve going to the theater. (LADY HEATHER smiles.) Lady Heather: In my experience, Mr. Grissom, some men go to the theater ... some men are the theater. Either way, what I offer is a chance for submission or control, whichever's required. Sometimes a client doesn't know what he wants until I show him. (LADY HEATHER takes a seat.) Grissom: "No man is a complete mystery except to himself." Marcel Proust. Lady Heather: I bet he'd have enjoyed himself here. Grissom: Probably. No crime is a complete mystery, either. The whip marks on Mona Taylor were fresh. (LADY HEATHER stands up surprised by this piece of information.) Lady Heather: That can't be. Mona was Dominant with her clients. (thoughtful) I know that she sometimes saw clients off the books. I let her because she brought in so much business, but I just assumed she knew what she was doing. Grissom: My guess is that one of her off-the-book clients ... is a regular. I mean, it is a repeat business, is it not? (GRISSOM picks up another mask, this one made of leather.) Lady Heather: Does that one interest you? Grissom: Yes, it does. May I borrow it? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY HEATHER'S DOMINION - POOL HOUSE -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE and NICK enter the pool house. A Dominatrix is there with RANDOLPH in a schoolroom setting. On the chalkboard behind her is the phrase, "I'm a Dirty Little Sink Boy." written multiple times. The Dominatrix looks up and sees CATHERINE and NICK up above them. She slaps RANDOLPH'S rump and instructs him.) Dominatrix: Okay, Randolph, You may lick my boots and go. Randolph: Because I'm naughty? Dominatrix: Randolph, shut up! (CATHERINE looks at NICK. He smiles a bit.) Dominatrix: Get up. (CATHERINE and NICK move along.) Catherine: I feel like I'm trapped in the Marquis De Sade's brain pan. Nick: I guess Lady Heather hasn't quite cleared this room yet. Catherine: Waiting for recess. (NICK laughs. They pass by another room that's still occupied by a Dominatrix and her Submissive. They turn the corner and enter the pool room Mona used.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY HEATHER'S DOMINION - POOL ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE and NICK look around the room. Hanging along the walls are various whips and paddles. In the back of the room is a cage and hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the room is a large silver chain.) Catherine: Didn't Grissom say he found some flecks of silver on the victim's back? Nick: Yeah. Catherine: I may have found the source. Nick: Mm-hmm. (CATHERINE starts taking photographs of the chain. NICK wanders around some more. In the cage at the back of the room, he finds something.) Nick: Hey, hey. Liquid latex. Like the kind we found in the dumpster and on the vic. Hand me a bindle will you? You know what I just realized? Catherine: Hmm? Nick: None of this weirds me out anymore. Catherine: People are just as twisted in their own living rooms. The props are different here. That's all. NICK, Well, not everybody's twisted. Catherine: Everybody, Nick. Wake up and smell the species. Nick: Catherine, do you really think that those freaks out there, running around with their little dog collars on getting spanked are the same as you and me? Catherine: Just because you never did it doesn't mean you never could. Nick: No way, never gonna happen. (CATHERINE turns the camera on NICK. She looks at him for a moment through the lens, then puts the camera down.) Catherine: Hey, relax, Nick. All I'm saying is you're human. Nick: Hey, man, my mom and dad are human, and ... Catherine: There's one thing you learn on this job is that human beings are capable of anything. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (AMY YOUNG walks over to the printer. WARRICK stands off by the doorway.) Amy Young: A smudge of dirty tire on a ratty piece of paper? (AMY YOUNG picks up the test results and looks at it. WARRICK walks into the lab.) Warrick: I know, I know, it sucks. You couldn't get anything off of it, huh? Amy Young: Just because I'm a newbie, doesn't mean I'm not good. Your tire print from the strip mall. Warrick: Wow. Amy Young: Common to a lot of compacts and subcompacts. But one manufacturer who uses it standard off-the-lot: Honda. Warrick: So, that confirms what Sara's eyewitness said. What else you got? Amy Young: I've got incidental marks from where the tire ran over something. Left an impression. (AMY YOUNG holds out the LUCKY LEE'S CHINESE RESTAURANT flyer and points to the tire impression.) (Quick CGI POV to a tire running over a bottle cap. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Amy Young: All you have to do is find the tire attached to the vehicle your shooter was driving. Warrick: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB] (Microscope view of the bullet.) Bobby Dawson: Okay, now. Look at the bullet from your vic's thigh. Five lands and grooves on it. That would be a colt. .38 caliber. Sara: According to Vega the vic owns a colt. Bobby Dawson: And? Sara: And ... since he mysteriously got shot in the leg instead of a vital organ I'm thinking I should go visit him. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (ROBBINS pulls out the body from storage.) Robbins: Mona Taylor didn't die from the beatings but cause of death was equally as slow: Asphyxia. You look like you expected it. Grissom: I considered it. Robbins: Well, there's something else. She had some odd scaring in the inside of her nose. Some small red circle. (Quick CGI POV from the exterior to MONA TAYLOR'S nose to the red circle inside her nose. Resume to present.) Robbins: She worked in a s*x club, it could be caused by anything. Grissom: Like a straw? Robbins: Maybe I lack imagination but why would you need a straw at a s*x club? Grissom: Well, it's not a s*x club, actually. It's a fetish club. Robbins: There's a difference? Grissom: Like a straw is not used for sipping mint juleps. Robbins: Cocaine? Grissom: Air. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY HEATHER'S DOMINION - BACK ROOM] (LADY HEATHER leads CATHERINE to the sink with apparatus in them.) Lady Heather: Anything from last night would be in here. Masks, the usual accouterment. Catherine: We don't technically have a warrant. Lady Heather: Not necessary. I want to help. (LADY HEATHER moves to the back. CATHERINE puts her things down by the sink. CATHERINE glances back at LADY HEATHER who happens to look up and see CATHERINE'S glance. CATHERINE turns back around and opens her kit. She pulls out a pair of latex gloves.) Lady Heather: Go ahead, ask. "How can I do this for a living?" Catherine: Oh, that's not what I was thinking. How much does this place clear a week? Lady Heather: Ten grand. (CATHERINE turns around and looks at LADY HEATHER. She hardly believes that one.) Catherine: I'm not with the IRS. (LADY HEATHER smiles.) Lady Heather: Okay, twenty. Catherine: I don't make that in three months. Lady Heather: s*x pays a lot better than death. Catherine: Plus, the outfits are cooler. LADY HEATHERWell, I have this genius tailor. Worked at the Desert Inn back in the day. I let him come in weekends and play human ashtray. He designs for me and my girls. It's a fair trade. Catherine: You got a good thing going here. And the best part is that these guys think getting slapped around and getting humiliated is their fantasy. Lady Heather: It's like I always tell my daughter ... Catherine: You got a daughter? Lady Heather: (smiles proudly) Eighteen this month; freshman at Harvard. Catherine: Really? Mine's seven. Lady Heather: Oh, that's a great age. Catherine: Yeah. Lady Heather: When I thought Zoe was ready to hear it, I told her, "Honey, there are a lot of things you can give a man -- your body, your time, even your heart. But the one thing you can never, ever, ever let go of is your power." Catherine: All my mother ever said to me was "Cash up front." Lady Heather: Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you've got everything it takes to make a great Dominatrix. Catherine: I take that as a compliment. Lady Heather: Well, you should. It's just about knowing yourself, being strong and not taking any crap from powerful jerks who are used to giving it all day long. Catherine: Well, death is still a man's business and I don't have to tell you about police work. Lady Heather: So, how do you survive? Catherine: By knowing myself and working hard ... and by not taking any crap from powerful jerks who are used to giving it all day long. (LADY HEATHER smiles and nods her head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] Catherine: These are the masks and straws I took out of the sink at Lady Heather's. Greg: None of which have been washed. Grissom: Mona was a Dominatrix at the fetish club. But my guess is that she was a switch for her off-the-books clients. (GREG chuckles.) Greg: You know what a "switch" is? Grissom: Someone who's dominant as well as submissive. (GREG is thoroughly impressed. He turns to CATHERINE.) Greg: Oh, he's even got the lingo down. (CATHERINE nods her head. He imitates cracking a whip. GRISSOM doesn't crack a smile.) Grissom: If Mona's DNA is in one of these masks, then she was the submissive on the night she died. Greg: You're so dialed into this case, I'll bet you don't need me to tell you which mask had her DNA. Grissom: Yes, I do, Greg. I also need to know which straw she used. (GREG turns around. GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE. CATHERINE shrugs. GREG turns back around with two sharpie pens in his nose. One red and one blue. GRISSOM still doesn't crack a smile.) Catherine: Oh, nice. Mmm. Yeah, that's the idea, Greg. Two straws per mask. (Quick flashback to the leather mask being put on. Someone zipping it down with the two straws attached. Resume to present.) Greg: You can't get any air through pens. Catherine: And not much more through straws. Grissom: And even less if someone's fingers are on the other end. (Quick flashback to someone blocking the ends of the two straws and the person inside struggling to breathe. Resume to present.) Greg: I found the victim's DNA on this mask and ... these two straws. Red mark: Victim; blue mark :... Grissom: Our killer. Now we just need a suspect. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (CATHERINE is making a mold impression of the latex that NICK found in the trash can.) Grissom: You got the yin. I've got the yang. (GRISSOM pulls out the mold he made from the deceased's wrist. He tapes it to the table top.) Catherine: Actually, I've got the yang and you've got the yin. This is as far as our watch will go. So that's on her wrist. No air bubbles. Good job. Grissom: Thank you. Now we'll see how yours turns out. Catherine: Hm-mmm. That's from the trash can. (CATHERINE lifts up the mold and looks at it.) Catherine: Wow. Looks like there's a few carats around that bezel. And the band. Major bucks. (CATHERINE tapes her impression next to GRISSOM'S mold.) Catherine: Oh, and, uh, computer graphics system keyed up the video system. Just hit it. (GRISSOM hits the keyboard and the two sides are scanned into the computer system.) Catherine: Yin and yang. Top and bottom. It's definitely not a man's watch, but unique. (GRISSOM hits more keys and the two sides are combined into one very expensive looking watch on the monitor.) Grissom: You know any fine jewelers? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - SANTEE CHERNA'S ROOM -- DAY] (SARA and DET. SAM VEGA walk into the hospital room. It's 3:28 in the afternoon.) Santee Cherna: You have my pants? You know, I wake up, I look around I can't find my damn pants. Sara: You cant' wear them out of here, so what? You want them as a souvenir? Santee Cherna: I want my stuff. Det. Sam Vega: Why don't we start talking about your pistol. Santee Cherna: I have one gun. Det. Sam Vega: It wouldn't happen to be a colt. Santee Cherna: It's on a shelf behind the cash register. (CARLA DELGADO walks in with her husband, HECTOR, carrying get well flowers and balloons.) Carla Delgado: Ay, mi hermano. I was so worried about you. Hector Delgado: Yo, papi, huh? Santee Cherna: Hey, don't worry. Doctor said everything was going to be okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NELSON'S RESIDENCE - DAY] (CAMERON NELSON is standing in front of the door carrying his son, Dylan.) Cameron Nelson: Burglary? In this neighborhood? Catherine: Well, are you missing any personal property? Jewelry? Small valuables? A watch, perhaps? Cameron Nelson: No. My wife, didn't mention anything either. (CAMERON NELSON notices the smell.) Cameron Nelson: Again? Look, I'm sorry. I have to go change Dylan. Catherine: Before you do, Mr. Nelson, in the last year, did you buy a diamond watch at Maarten's jewelers at the forum shops? Cameron Nelson: Yeah, in my spare time between the grocery store and the park and baby jamboree. No, no, this ... this is my life. Sorry. Grissom: Thanks for your help. (CAMERON NELSON leaves.) Catherine: Why do men always make everything look so tough? (GRISSOM shrugs.) Grissom: If the dad didn't buy the watch then the mom did. Brass has the credit card receipt. Catherine: A $20,000 watch and he didn't discuss it? He's lying. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. EILENE NELSON'S OFFICE -- DAY] Eilene Nelson: I thought my husband answered all your questions. Catherine: He tried. Grissom: Gustav Stickley. Very nice furniture. No pictures of your family though. Eilene Nelson: I know what they look like. Grissom: Most people keep pictures of their loved ones in their office. Eilene Nelson: Well, I would hope that I'm not like most people. Is there a point to this? Catherine: Did you order a $20,000 custom made watch from a jeweler at the Forum shops? Eilene Nelson: I did. Is there a problem? Catherine: No. We'd just like to see it. Eilene Nelson: Do you have a warrant? Grissom: Do we need one? Eilene Nelson: The truth is I lost it on a business trip. I'm waiting to find out from the hotel if they found it. Catherine: Is that the trip you look to L.A. with your boss, Ronald? Let me refresh your memory. You shared a suite. Very cost-effective. What'd you save there, two-three hundred dollars? Eilene Nelson: I'm a corporate litigator. It's going to take a lot more than that to rattle my cage. Grissom: Okay. How about this? Are you familiar with the gal who calls herself Lady Heather? Eilene Nelson: No. Grissom: Well, one of the girls who works for Lady Heather was found dead with an imprint of your watch on her wrist. That's why we'd like a sample of your DNA. Eilene Nelson: That's a big leap. Lost watch to a DNA request. I think we're done here. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] Sara: What do you know about the money bag? Amy Young: Clean cut, quick way in. Warrick: Can you tell us anything about the tool that may have been used? Amy Young: BFK. Sara: Big knife. Great. Tell us something we don't know. Amy Young: I found materials on the cut. Sara: Nice. (SARA looks into the scope.) Sara: It's gotta be transfers from the knife. Red fibers. All uniform length. Amy Young: The refractive index of the fibers is 1.544. It's a synthetic. Fiberglass. Warrick: Like the insulation in my attic. Amy Young: Close. But those amber beads are catalysts. Resin-- which causes the fiberglass to harden once its poured into a mold? Sara: A mold? To make what? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FIBERGLASS MANUFACTURERS - DAY] Warrick: Hey. Det. Sam Vega: There's three fiberglass manufacturers here in Vegas. This is the largest one for prefab baths and showers. Twenty-four employees. Sara: Everybody in the bath business uses isophthalic resin because it's got the highest water resistance. Downside is the stuff gets everywhere. Hair, clothes, skin ... (Over behind SARA, WARRICK notices a familiar face and calls the others' attention to it.) Warrick: Hey. (SARA turns around to see HECTOR DELGADO working some distance away from them.) Warrick: Small world, huh? (The group walks over to HECTOR DELGADO.) Warrick: Hey, that's ironic, Hector. We're investigating your brother-in-law's shooting and look where we end up. Sara: We found traces of fiberglass and resin in Santee's money bag. Hector Delgado: So? Sara: So, how many knives in Vegas come into contact with both those materials? (DET. SAM VEGA notices the knife hanging from HECTOR DELGADO'S waist.) Det. Sam Vega: Dame la navaja. (HECTOR DELGADO hands the knife to DET. SAM VEGA.) Sara: Thanks. (DET. SAM VEGA hands the knife to SARA. SARA checks it.) Hector Delgado: Hey, could be anybody's knife. Warrick: We also have a tire print. (The group walks out to the parking lot.) Hector Delgado: See? You got the wrong car. Sara: We never said what model we were looking for. Warrick: We're looking for a Honda, Hector. Det. Sam Vega: Do you have one? Because we can check your house. We can check your neighborhood. Why don't we just start right here in this parking lot? (HECTOR DELGADO pushes DET. SAM VEGA aside and makes a run for it. WARRICK takes off after him. HECTOR runs and tries to get away, but WARRICK is just as fast. HECTOR DELGADO runs straight into the wire fence blocking his path and tries to climb it, but WARRICK catches up to him and grabs him.) Warrick: You know it don't look good when you run, man. You want to tell us who that Honda belongs to? Hector Delgado: I don't know. Okay, okay! It's a friend of mine. He told me nobody would get hurt. Warrick: I guess that makes everything okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NELSONS RESIDENCE -- DAY] (EILENE NELSON opens the door.) Eilene Nelson: You again. I thought you people would've gotten the message. Grissom: We did. We also got a warrant. (GRISSOM hands the warrant to EILENE NELSON. She reads it and starts to laugh.) Eilene Nelson: Is this some kind of joke? This is limited to my watch box. Catherine: Sometimes, that's all it takes. (In the background, DYLAN NELSON cries. CAMERON NELSON appears behind EILENE.) Cameron Nelson: Eilene, honey? Everything okay? Eilene Nelson: Cameron, go see what Dylan needs. (CAMERON leaves. EILENE turns to GRISSOM and CATHERINE.) Eilene Nelson: I think my watch box is in my glove compartment. Grissom: Is the watch in the box? (Cut to CATHERINE inside the car. She is opening the glove compartment. She takes out the watch box. She opens it and ands it to GRISSOM where finds a small piece of liquid latex stuck in the crease of the box. He holds the piece up so that CATHERINE can see it.) Catherine: Latex. Like Hansel and Gretel, we just followed the bread crumbs all the way home. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY HEATHER'S DOMINION -- DAY] (LADY HEATHER enters her room carrying a tea pot. She walks over to the table set for tea. She pours the tea and puts the tea pot on the table. GRISSOM is standing off to the side. He turns around when she walks in.) Grissom: Afternoon tea. How nice. Lady Heather: I like a bit of civility before dark ... when all the needy little boys show up. Grissom: Well, I'm a little needy myself today. My lab pulled skin cells from Mona Taylor's straws. Lady Heather: A DNA sample? I have several clients in law enforcement. X-X or X-Y? Grissom: They're male. (GRISSOM shows LADY HEATHER a photograph he brought with him. It's of CAMERON and EILENE NELSON at a formal function. Both are speaking with a man.) Grissom: Have you ever seen either of these two people? Lady Heather: Not the wife, but I have seen the husband. Grissom: I didn't say they were married. Lady Heather: It's obvious. Look at the way he's clenching her hand with both of his and leaning toward her. And see how she's twisting away presenting herself to the wealthy alpha male? She's insensitive; he insecure. That's a setup for matrimony, not passion. She wants the dominant male to choose her so she can stop being dominant. Grissom: You're very good. You could work for me. Lady Heather: You want to be my boss? Grissom: You never know. We both might learn something. Lady Heather: Oh, I'm sure of that. (They both sit down at the table.) Lady Heather: I can read anyone who walks through this door and know their desires. Sometimes even before they do. Why do you think I selected china and table linens? Grissom: You like fine things. Lady Heather: Or maybe I knew you'd like them. Same way I know you enjoy most of the superficial trappings of civilization. Grissom: I'm that obvious, huh? Lady Heather: Only because you try not to be. You spend your life uncovering what goes beneath the surface of civility and acceptable behavior. So it's a release for you to indulge in something like high tea when it seems, if only for a moment, the world really is civilized. (GRISSOM doesn't respond.) Lady Heather: The most telling thing about anyone is what scares them. And I know what you fear more than anything, Mr. Grissom. Grissom: Which is? Lady Heather: Being known. You can't accept that I might know what you really desire, because that would mean that I know you. Something, for whatever reason, you spend your entire life making sure no one else does. Grissom: Lady Heather, you're an anthropologist. Lady Heather: More tea? (LADY HEATHER picks up the tea pot and refreshes GRISSOM'S cup of tea.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY] Hector Delgado: But, see, I could give the money back. But my wife doesn't even know it. If, I like, give the money back to her brother I could go home, right? Right?! Det. Sam Vega: Tell us how it happened-- then we'll talk about the future. Hector Delgado: When I picked Carla up from work on Wednesday, I doubled back and I lifted the piece that Santee keeps by the register. I figured I'd return it Friday. Nobody would know. Sara: Pretty smart, Hector. Hector Delgado: I couldn't use my car, 'cause Santee knew my car, so I hit up on a buddy. (Quick flashback to a red Honda stopping and a masked man jumping out to attack SANTEE CHERNA. The masked man holds a gun to SANTEE CHERNA. SANTEE CHERNA hits the man.) Santee Cherna: No ... ow! (The man falls to the ground and fires the weapon at SANTEE CHERNA. He drops the money bag. The masked man picks it up and runs. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Hector Delgado: Look, it's not like they're out of anything. They're insured. For the money and his health. Nobody loses. (SARA looks at WARRICK. WARRICK looks over at HECTOR DELGADO.) Hector Delgado: (hopeful) So can I go now? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CHERNA CHECK CASHING - DAY] Carla Delgado: Hector's my husband, but I hope you keep him in jail a long time. Santee Cherna: He's not going anywhere, right? You commit a crime, you pay the price. Warrick: You got that right. Sara: Oh, by the way we found the $5,000 you skimmed from this business in your jeans pocket. Carla Delgado: What? (Quick flashback to WARRICK taking the jeans out of the evidence paper bag. He finds a wallet, some keys and a wad of cash. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Carla Delgado: You self-righteous b*st*rd. You stand there and bad-mouth my husband while you're robbing me behind my back? Santee Cherna: I was just borrowing it, I swear. (CARLA DELGADO takes a step back and looks at DET. VEGA.) Carla Delgado: You going to arrest his ass? Sara: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE go through the NELSON'S car. CATHERINE finds a coat jacket with sand on it. They look at each other.) (EILENE NELSON drives up in her convertible.) Cameron Nelson: They had a warrant. I didn't want to bother you at work. Eilene Nelson: This qualifies as a harassment suit. Catherine: Too late. Grissom: "Grains of golden sand." Eilene Nelson: What? Grissom: Edgar Allan Poe. Another man who was familiar with murder. Catherine: Played in any sandboxes lately Mr. Nelson? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY] Eilene Nelson: As my husband's attorney, I'm advising him not to speak with you. Cameron Nelson: Eilene ... Eilene Nelson: Shut up, Cameron. I'll handle this. Cameron Nelson: No. No, I will not shut up. You know, I didn't ask you to be my attorney. You're just doing this to look out for yourself. Eilene Nelson: I'm looking out for our family. I'm the only one who's qualified. Cameron Nelson: Really? And how exactly is sleeping with Ronald looking after your family? Eilene Nelson: Cameron ... Cameron Nelson: Cameron ... what? What? You never gave a damn about me. And our child ... our child is just some yuppie pet designed to make you look better at the firm. Which happens to be the only family you probably really care about. Catherine: Mr. Nelson, you're very emotional right now. Why don't you just take a moment collect yourself. Let me get you a glass of water. (CATHERINE stands up. She pauses by the door.) Eilene Nelson: No! No water, no gum, no anything. If you think you can trick him into giving you some DNA, you're mistaken. (CATHERINE looks over at GRISSOM. GRISSOM stands and pulls out an evidence bag from the file he's holding. He holds it out to EILENE NELSON.) Grissom: Liquid latex. (GRISSOM puts the bag on the table.) Eilene Nelson: What is that supposed to mean? Grissom: Your husband made Mona Taylor wear it every time that he paid to humiliate her. Eilene Nelson: Why would he do that? Catherine: Psychologically, she was a surrogate. In fetish club terms, she was a slave. Cameron would put a mask on her face and cover her body in liquid latex. (Quick flashback to MONA TAYLOR in chains and in the mask. CAMERON NELSON puts the watch on MONA TAYLOR'S bare wrist. Flash to white.) (CAMERON NELSON painting liquid latex on MONA TAYLOR'S wrist. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: He made her into nothing in order to make her into you. Eilene Nelson: My watch. Grissom: I guess that made it more real. Catherine: Cameron couldn't dominate you, so he dominated Mona. Only his last appointment, he got carried away. (Quick flashback to CAMERON NELSON striking MONA TAYLOR and yelling at her.) Cameron Nelson: Corporate bitch! You still think you're too good to touch your own husband? How about I make you beg for air? Huh? How about I make you ... beg for it?! (Cut to CAMERON NELSON holding the end of the nose straws. MONA TAYLOR is struggling and screaming.) Cameron Nelson: Are you begging for it? Huh? I can't hear you, Eilene. (MONA TAYLOR struggles and screams. She goes lax. CAMERON NELSON releases the straws. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Cameron Nelson: I had to pay some girl to pretend to be my wife. Eilene Nelson: Cameron, be quiet! If this is all you have, I am ... happy to go to trial. Grissom: Mrs. Nelson, we're going to match Cameron's epithelials to the ones on the end of the straw. Cameron Nelson: Wait, wait, wait. Epithelials -- that's like ... that's like DNA, right? That's DNA? (CAMERON NELSON turns to his wife.) Cameron Nelson: Okay, I got an idea. Why don't we test little Dylan's epithelials? Huh? See if his daddy isn't really your law partner. 'Cause, god knows, you haven't let me touch you in three years. (CAMERON NELSON stands up.) Cameron Nelson: I'm out of here. Eilene Nelson: Where are you going? Cameron Nelson: Away from you. Other than that, I really don't care. (CAMERON NELSON leaves the room escorted by an officer.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM turns the corner and walk through the hallway.) Catherine: I just realized that you and I have a very healthy relationship. Grissom: We do? Catherine: Well, when we have a problem, I don't paint Greg Sanders in latex and stick a straw up his nose. Grissom: Good. He'd probably like it. (CATHERINE puts and arm on GRISSOM'S shoulder, stopping him.) Catherine: Gil ... you're supposed to say something revealing back to me. Grissom: Okay. I never told anybody this, Catherine ...

Plan: A: a sandbox; Q: What was the woman found in? A: s and m clubs; Q: What kind of clubs do Grissom and Catherine investigate? A: a shooting; Q: What type of crime scene are Warrick and Sara called to? A: a robbery; Q: What does the shooting initially appear to be? Summary: Grissom and Catherine investigate the apparent violent death of a woman found in a sandbox. Their investigation leads them to the underground world of s and m clubs. Meanwhile, Warrick and Sara are called to a crime scene to investigate a shooting, which initially appears to have taken place during a robbery.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Robin: Marian! So, how do we break the spell? Regina: True love's kiss. There's a reason that kiss didn't work. I'm in love with someone else. She's still your wife. Soon I will have what I want. A family that loves me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Colette takes off of the library books.) Soldier: The wall... It's fallen. We must leave now. The town will soon be overrun. Colette: These books are too valuable to leave to those monsters. Soldier: My lady, please. Colette: Take these trunks to the carriage. I'll be just behind you. Soldier: And your daughter? Colette: I will find her. Now go. Darling, we must leave, quickly! Where are you? Belle: I'm right here, mother! I'm sorry, but I couldn't leave without this. It's the first story you ever (read to me, remember? It's what made me fall in love with books.) Colette: Of course I remember, my Belle. Quickly, we must flee befo... (They hear a noise.) Belle: They're here. Colette: We will hide till they pass. (Colette and Belle are hiden under a table. An ogre enters.) Belle: Ogres! (The ogre walks in the library seaching for something.) Colette: Shh! It's going to be all right. (The ogre discovers Colette and Belle under the table. Colette screams.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle wakes up in her bed.) Belle: Mother?! [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle is walking in a hallway. Her father sees her and goes to see her.) Maurice: Belle, why aren't you in bed? Belle: What happened? W-where's mother? Maurice: You mean... You don't remember? Belle: Remember what, father? I... (Belle sees a coffin.) Belle: No. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold puts the hat's box in his safe with his dagger.) Belle: Rumple? Mr Gold: Belle. Belle: Hey, I've been... Been looking all nover the house for you. Didn't even hear you leave. Mr Gold: Well, I didn't want to wake you. Just a few things to take care of before we open. (Belle Well, whatever it is, it'll have to wait. Emma called. She needs to see us right away.) [SCENE_BREAK] (At the Sherrif station they watch Emma's video.) The Snow Queen: Give it back, Kevin. The camera is Emma's, not yours. Mary Margaret: Emma, that's you. You must be... Emma: 13, maybe 14. Regina: Are you missing the part where she's with the Snow Queen? Emma, you knew her before you came to Storybrooke? Emma: Apparently my run-in with her in town wasn't the only memory she erased. All this time in this foster home, or whatever that place was... It's gone. Belle: Look, I-I just don't understand how she even ended up in this world. Emma: We were hoping Gold could tell us that. You spent more time trying to get here than anyone. How the hell did she do it? Mr Gold: Considering the time I spent on the same task, I'd love to know. David: Does it really matter how she got to Emma? I mean, shouldn't we be more concerned about why? Regina: Obviously, she needed her for something. But what? Well, that's our next problem. David: Well, we know she's hiding somewhere in the north woods. We combed every inch of her shop. We tore apart her house. She must have cleared everything out days before. Hook: Which means she must be hiding something. Emma: But where? Henry: What about her ice-cream truck? Emma: Whoa, Snow Queen has an ice-cream truck? Henry: I'm a kid. I notice these kind of things. David: Then we split up into groups. We search the town, the woods. Hook, Regina, Emma, you take the west. Gold, you're with me for the east. Mr Gold: I think we all know I work best alone. Well, no time to argue that. Belle, how are you at tracking? Belle: Uh, actually, I-I think I'll be more helpful at the library. Maybe I can dig something up on the Snow Queen. Elsa: I'd like to come with you, Belle, if that's okay. Maybe something about my sister will be there, too. Unless you'd rather not have the company? Belle: No, n-not at all. I would love some. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle is reading in her bedroom. Her father comes in.) Maurice: It's late. You should be in bed. Belle: How can I possibly sleep when I can't even remember what happened to mother? Maurice: Perhaps that's for the best. Belle: No! I need to know what happened to her after I blacked out. Maurice: You won't find the answers you seek in the pages of a book. Belle: But I already have, father. According to this, there are creatures who can restore memories that have been lost. If we journey to them, maybe they can help me remember what happened to mother. Maurice: I can't allow you to do that. Belle: Why not? Maurice: Because there's something this book doesn't tell you. Magic always comes with a price. And whatever that price is, I don't want you to have to pay it. I'm sorry, Belle, but I've already lost your mother to this infernal ogres war. I can't lose you, too. Belle: But father... Maurice: You heard me! Belle: No, no! Maurice: Forget this nonsense! You are not to leave this chamber until the doctors say you're better! (Maurice leaves.) Belle: I'm sorry, father, but I need to know what happened. And this... Is the only place where I'll find the answer. Arendelle. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At the library.) Elsa: There doesn't seem to be anything on Arendelle here. Do you know where to look? Belle: No, I'm... I'm sorry. I'm... I'm really not that familiar with Arendelle, O-or... Or your sister. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa is in her castle, she is practicing magic when Anna enters.) Anna: Elsa? Elsa: Anna! Oh! Oh, I was worried I'd never see you again. Anna: I'm afraid you're stuck with me. I'm sorry I left without telling you. Elsa: Oh, and I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to. I know you did it for me, to try to make me feel better. So, what did you learn? Did you discover why our parents went to the Enchanted Forest? What is it, Anna? What did you find? Ana: Nothing. I mean, I'm still waiting on some answers from a few people I met, but I wouldn't expect anything anytime soonnbecause they have to find it out, then get on a ship and come here. It could take a while, a long while, and... Wait, no flurries? No frost on the windows? Usually a conversation about our parents ends with a chill in the air. Elsa: I've been learning to control my powers when I get upset. Anna: Really? How? Ingrid: By training with me. Anna:Who is that? I mean, who are you? I-I mean... Hi. Elsa: She's our aunt. Anna: Our what? Ingrid: Your aunt. My name is Ingrid. Your mother and I were sisters. You look exactly like her. Anna: But our mother doesn't have a sister. At least, she never told us about one. Ingrid: I'm sure it was too painful for her to talk about. You see, many years ago, I was trapped in a magical urn by... People who didn't exactly understand me. Anna: Didn't understand you? (Ingrid uses her powers.) Ingrid: Our gift runs in the family. [SCENE_BREAK] (In the stables.) Anna: I'm telling you, that woman is up to something. Kristoff: What, you mean your aunt? What makes you think that? Anna: 'Cause it's weird and Strange, her being here. And because I'm a good judge of character. Kristoff: Yeah, says the girl who agreed to marry hans 10 minutes after you started talking to him. Anna: I was young and naive. Kristoff: You met me the next day. Anna: Young-er. Anyway, I just want to make sure we're asking all the right questions. Kristoff: Like what? Anna: Like, is she really even my aunt, or is she just some imposter trying to worm her way into our family? Kristoff: Anna, look at her. You can't see the resemblance? Oh, yes, the ice-power thing, there's that. Anna: Maybe, but if she's really my aunt, why isn't she in the family portraits, the royal records? There's no trace of her. It's like she never even existed. There has to be an explanation for all this. Kristoff: Yeah? And how do you think you're gonna find it? Anna: Your family. Kristoff: Careful. Grand Pabbie's still a little miffed that you postponed the wedding. Anna: I can handle grand Pabbie. Will you go back to the castle and cover for me... Watch Elsa while I'm gone? Kristoff: If it'll put your mind at ease, of course. Anna: Oh, but, Kristoff, you have to be careful what you say around her. I...Might not... I might not exactly have told her what I discovered in the Enchanted Forest. Kristoff: You lied to her? Anna: Ohh, I didn't lie. I just... Withheld the truth. Telling her our parents wanted to take away her magic... I just have to find the right moment. That's all. Kristoff: Right, right. Of course. Yeah. You know I'll support you no matter what. Unless I think it's really dumb. Then I'll tell you. Anna: Thank goodness I haven't hit "really dumb" yet. Kristoff: Can I get you supplies for your journey? Anna: You're sweet, but no. I'll stop by Oaken's on the way. You'll see me as soon as I return. (She kisses Kristoff and leaves. Ingrid was listening to the conversation.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the woods, near Robin's camp.) Emma: David, call off the search party. We found the truck near the merry men's camp. Thanks for keeping an eye out. Robin: Gladly. You're the first sheriff I don't mind assisting. Uh, Regina, I was hoping we could talk. Regina: Um, in case you haven't noticed, I'm about to storm an evil ice-cream truck. Emma: You could have just said, "maybe later." Regina: I know you're trying to make everything better, but staying out of it is your best bet. It's bad enough I'm stuck with you and captain guy-liner making eyes at each other. Emma: I don't make eyes. Hook: Ready, love? (They opens the truck.) Hook: It appears she beat us to it. She's cleared out the vessel. Regina: What now? Should we question the cows she gets her milk from? Maybe search the waffle-cone factory? Emma: Hang on. Look. Who locks their freezer? Was she afraid someone was gonna steal the Rocky road? Hook: Stand back. (He breaks the locker. Emma opens the freezer and finds a file.) Emma: Looks like the dairy Queen's been following me for a long time. Regina: Since before foster care? Emma: Since I landed in this world. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the library.) Belle: Are you okay? Elsa: This is pointless. I don't know why I thought I'd find anything about Anna in here. Belle: You know she's somewhere. You know she's alive. You heard her heartbeat with Bo-peep's staff, right? Elsa: But if what the snow queen told me is true and Anna is the one who put me in that urn, then maybe she doesn't want me to find her. Belle: That's not true, Elsa. Elsa: You're just saying that to make me feel better. Belle: No, I promise you, I'm not. Elsa: How would you know what my sister thinks? You've never even met her. Belle: Well, just from what you've been saying, I-I feel like I know her. You two were very close. Something must have pulled you apart... Something beyond your control. Elsa: But my memories are gone, and no one in this town has even been to Arendelle. I need to face the truth, Belle. No one here can help me, and I'm afraid that means I might never see Anna again. Belle: Okay. You will. I know it. Now, keep looking. I'll be back. Elsa: What? Where are you going? Belle: There's something I-I need to take care of. We will find Anna. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Anna enters in Oaken's. Belle is here.) Oaken: You want to find trolls? You know they're dangerous, yeah? Belle: Oh, no, no, no. Rock trolls, not bridge trolls. Oaken: Oh, yeah, they're quite nice. Belle: So, you can... You can direct me to them? Oaken: No. I've never met them. Yoo-hoo! Belle: But y-you just said they were nice. Oaken: I've heard. Belle: Please help me. I-I just lost my mother. Oaken: Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry. Uh, trolls can't bring life. But I can help soothe you. Have you tried the sauna? Belle: Uh, no, no. Thank you. Anna: Need some help? Belle: Uh, well, I was trying to find my way to the rock trolls, but this map is not being too helpful. Anna: Oaken means well. Oaken: Yeah! Anna: But you don't need him or a map. I can help you. I'm on my way to see them. Come with me. Belle: Really? Thank you. Uh, I'm Belle. Anna: I'm Anna. Oaken: Friend of Anna's? Half price on the sauna. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the woods, near the ice-truck.) Robin: I can't help but think you're avoiding me. Regina: Well, not very well, it seems. Robin: You're upset because of what I said... That I'm still in love with you. I suppose I should never have told you, not after I asked you to find a way to save my wife. Regina: That's not why I'm avoiding you. Robin: Then why can't you even look me in the eye? Regina: Because I don't know how to tell you the truth. Robin: You know you can tell me anything. Regina: I've read every spell book in my possession, experimented with every potion in my vault. I even tried to defeat the Snow Queen so I could force her to reverse the spell. But... Nothing I do seems good enough. Robin: But it will be, Regina. I have faith in you. You will figure out a way eventually. Regina: That's what I'm trying to tell you. I'm not sure I can figure it out. Robin, I'm sorry, but if you truly want to save Marian... You're gonna have to forget about me... And... Find a way... To fall in love with your wife again. [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the woods.) Mr Gold: You can show yourself, dearie. I'm not the one you're hiding from. The Snow Queen: No, you're not. To what do I owe this intrusion? Mr Gold: A warning. Emma Swan is onto you. She knows your history began long before you came to Storybrooke. The Snow Queen: I'm aware. Do you really think she would have discovered that if I hadn't wanted her to? It's all part of my plan... A plan you thankfully know little about. Mr Gold: You're being awfully secretive. The Snow Queen: You didn't come to warn me. You came to find out my secrets. Mr Gold: YOr offer up a deal. Whatever suits you best. But if you decline, I'd be careful. The Snow Queen: There it is. There's the warning. You want something out of me? Why don't you just ask for it? Mr Gold: If I wanted something out of you, dearie, believe me, I'd take it. The Snow Queen: But you can't, can you? Otherwise you would. You and I both know... To get what you want, you need one thing that I have and you're sorely lacking... Leverage. And until you get that... I have a warning for you. Stay out of my way. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mr Gold's Shop) Belle: Don't worry, Anna. I'll find you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the woods.) Anna: So, Belle... I couldn't help overhearing... Well, actually, I could, but I'm naturally curious. Anyway... I heard you lost your mother. Belle: Yes, in the... In the ogres war. Anna: I'm so sorry. I lost mine, too. There are no words. Belle: No, there aren't, especially when you don't know what happened. I was hoping the rock trolls could restore my memory so that I can finally be at peace. Anna: Sometimes the answer isn't what you want. Belle: Which is what? Anna: One that makes you feel better. But if grand Pabbie can help you get what you need, I'll make sure he does. Belle: Thank you. Uh... So, now what? Anna: Now we climb. Okay. Belle: Okay. (Anna tries to climb but falls.) Belle: You okay? Anna: Ohh. Belle: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Anna: Whoo! Oh! Kristoff makes this look easy! Belle: Here. Anna: Careful! Careful. Belle: Why? W-what's inside? Anna: A hat which can strip the magic from the most powerful of sorcerers. Belle: Why do you have such a thing? Anna: I sort of stole it from an evil sorcerer when I was back in the Enchanted Forest. I went to him to help with my sister, but things didn't exactly go according to plan. Belle: Why? What... What happened? Who... Who is this person? Anna: I-I'd really rather not get into it. The less you know, the better. I just pray you never cross paths with that twisted man. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mr Gold's shop.) Mr Gold: Belle. Where are you headed? Belle: To the north woods, where the snow queen's hiding. Mr Gold: And what business do you have with her? Belle: I have to fix a mistake that I made a long time ago. Mr Gold: What are you talking about? Belle: I'm afraid I can't tell you. You wouldn't understand. Mr Gold: Whether or not that's true, the fact remains that she defeated both Emma and Regina. She is far more dangerous than you realize. Belle: I know. That's why I was... I was hoping you'd come with me. Mr Gold:I'm sorry, Belle. That's out of the question. I won't let you anywhere near her. Belle: I was worried you were gonna say that. Because... I really... Really didn't want to do this. Mr Gold: Belle, I gave you that dagger because I trusted you... Because I thought you would never want to control me. Belle: I know. I know, and I'm so, so sorry, rumple. But if you won't come with me willingly, what choice do I have? Take me to the Snow Queen. [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the Woods. Emma reads the Snow Queen's file.) Emma: According to this, she was my foster parent for six months. Hook: Aye? Emma: That's the longest I was ever in one spot, but I don't remember a second of it. Hook: You all right, Swan? Emma: I'm fine. It was all a long time ago. Hook: Mm, perhaps, but wounds that are made when we're young tend to linger. Emma: How would you know? Hook: Believe it or not, I was once a child. Emma: Yeah, like a million years ago. Hook: It was more like 200. What is it? Emma: It's a painting I did when I was in school. Hook: That so surprising? Emma: It's not the only one. This crazy woman has a whole file of my old art projects and essays. Just like the one I have for Henry. You don't keep stuff like this unless you care about someone. Hook: Well, perhaps the Snow Queen wasn't simply using you. Perhaps she'd grown fond of you over time. Emma: Looks like the feeling was mutual. "Thanks for being the family I never had. Love, Emma." I wrote that to her. Hook: Looks like you two were close once. Emma: But she still erased my memories. Something must have happened to change all that. There has to be a clue as to why. Hook: Perhaps there is... If you can read hieroglyphs. Emma: This isn't from our world. What the hell was she doing with me? [SCENE_BREAK] (Before the Snow Queen's ice cave.) Belle: This is it? This is where she's hiding? Mr Gold: Indeed. But she's not at home. I don't sense her magic. Belle: Good. Okay. You stay here as lookout. I'm going in. Mr Gold: No, Belle, y-you're not going in there alone. Belle: Look, I won't be long. I just need to find something. Mr Gold: What could you possibly want from the Snow Queen's cave? Belle: A hat... One that can strip a magical being of their powers. Mr Gold: That sounds like a remarkable object... Almost too good to be true, which means it probably is. Belle: It isn't, and I know she has it, and I need to get it from her. It's the only way to force her to tell us where Anna is. Mr Gold: So this is about Elsa's sister? Why are you so invested in a girl you've never even met? Belle: Because a hero always helps strangers. Now keep watch. I'll call out to you if I need your help. (Belle enters in the cave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At the Rock Troll carreer.) Anna: Grand Pabbie? Grand Pabbie, it's me! Grand Pabbie: Ooh, Anna, my dear, you're back! Have you come to tell us the new wedding date? I have been working on my speech. Anna: Not yet, but we can get into that later. First, I want you to meet my friend Belle. She's come a long way to see you. Belle: It's an honor to meet you. I'm, uh... I'm here because I-I... Grand Pabbie: I know. I can help you get the memories of your mother. (Grand Pabbie use his powers on Belle.) Grand Pabbie: Take this to the place where you lost your memory, then brew a tea with the stone in the kettle. When you drink it, your memories will return. Belle: Thank you. Thank you, Anna. I-I owe you, as well. How can I repay you? Anna: You don't have to. Having a new friend is payment enough. All I need is a moment alone with Pabbie. I'll be quick. Grand Pabbie: What can I help you with, dear? Anna: Some woman claims to be my aunt. I just don't believe her! Mother would have told us if she had a sister. Grand Pabbie: Actually, she had two sisters. Anna: Wait. What? Mother had two sisters that she never spoke about? Why didn't she say anything? Why didn't you say anything? Grand Pabbie: Because I was sworn to secrecy. Anna: Grand Pabbie, I need some answers. Please. Grand Pabbie: Your mother, Gerda, was the youngest of three. And then there was Helga, and Ingrid was the oldest. As children, the three girls were quite close, often seen playing together in the royal gardens. But then, one day, Helga and Ingrid vanished. No one ever knew what happened to them. It was a tragedy the royal family wanted to forget. And they did, with my help. Anna: You took the memories of everyone in Arendelle? Grand Pabbie: Yes. And the royal family erased mention of Helga and Ingrid from every book and record they could find in our realm. Anna: Why wouldn't Ingrid tell me what happened, or that she had another sister? Grand Pabbie: Those are questions you'd have to ask your aunt. Anna: Like she would tell me. If she's keeping these secrets, who knows what else she's hiding. I have to warn Elsa. Belle, we have to go! Belle: What? Is everything okay? Anna: I don't think so. It's my aunt. She's up to something. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the ice cave.) Belle: The hat must be in here somewhere. The mirror: Belle. Belle. Belle! Over here, Belle. Over here, Belle. Over... Here. (Belle uncovers the miror.) The mirror: Hello, Belle! I was hoping you'd find me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (On the mountain.) Belle: I wish I didn't have to wait to use this. Anna: You'll be home before you know it. As soon as we get to town, we'll put you on the first ship back to the Enchanted Forest. Belle: If any ships are even setting sail. It... Looks like a storm's setting in. Anna: I don't think it's a storm. Belle: Well, what else could it be? Anna: My aunt. I don't think my aunt wants me to tell my sister what I found out. Belle: Well, if she... Has all this magic and... And you have, well, g-good intentions, then what are we gonna do? Anna: I have more than good intentions! I have this! She can't hurt us if she doesn't have magic. (The wind blows. Belle loose her rock. Anna falls and hangs up to the cliff.) Anna: Belle! Belle! I can't pull myself up! Belle: Just hold on! I'll be right there! Anna: Belle, hurry! Please! (Belle's rock falls and breaks.) Belle: Oh! Anna: Belle, hurry! Belle: I'm coming! I'm coming. (Anna falls.) Belle: Anna! (Anna is on the ground. Ingrid approches. She takes the box.) Belle: Leave her alone! The Snow Queen: You'll have to excuse us, but this is family business. (Igrid leaves and takes Anna with her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the ice cave.) The mirror: I'm surprised you were brave enough to come in here. Belle: I had to. I have to find a way to help Anna. The mirror: Why? You never really cared much for her before. Belle: That's not true. The mirror: Sure, it is. You chose that rock over her. You had to remember what happened to your mother, no matter what the cost. Belle: I made a mistake. I didn't mean to... The mirror: Ruin someone's life? It certainly wasn't your most heroic moment. Not that you've ever really been hero material. Belle: No, please... Please stop. The mirror: Everyone sees you for what you really are, Belle... A pathetic coward. I mean, why do you think the Dark One married you? You think it was love? He needed someone weak, someone he could manipulate. Belle: That's not true. He loves me. He gave me this. The mirror: You truly believe that's real? Deep down, you know what kind of beast you're dealing with. (Mr Gold enters.) Mr Gold: Belle! Belle. The Snow Queen's approaching the cave. Belle. Look at me. Don't look in the mirror. Look at me. We have to leave. Belle: Let me go! Mr Gold: You don't know what you're doing. Belle: No! Please, let me go! Mr Gold: It's okay. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to the shop.) Belle: Let... Let me go! Mr Gold: It's okay. We're back in the shop. We're back in the shop. It's okay. Belle: No, no! Mr Gold: It's okay. Belle: Wait. No. You were outside the cave. I commanded that you wait there. Mr Gold: You commanded me to keep watch. I sensed she was coming back. I came to find you, and I'm glad I did. Belle: I... I hurt you. I... I'm so sorry, Rumple. Mr Gold: It's okay. Belle: When I f-found that mirror, something came over me, like a... Like a spell. And... And it spoke to me and made me... Made me believe all these horrible things, and it said to me that the dagger you gave me is fake. Mr Gold: I can assure you that nothing that mirror said is true. It was imbued with the darkest of magic. I-I know you would never wrong me. Belle: I have wronged you. I've kept a terrible secret from you. I'm the reason... That Anna's missing. I didn't want anyone to know until I could make things right and save Anna. But I couldn't. I failed. And all I managed to do was abuse the dagger and... And take advantage of you, my true love. I-I don't even know if I... If I deserve to be with you anymore. Mr Gold: No, no, no. You were only doing what you thought was right. Belle: You... You forgive me? Mr Gold: Of course I forgive you. Thank you for telling me everything. Belle: Thank you for understanding. I never should have kept a secret from you, especially 'cause I know that you'd never keep one from me. I love you, Rumple. Mr Gold: And I love you, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In Belle's room.) Belle: Father, I... I-I thought you'd be asleep. Maurice: I haven't slept in days. How could I when you left without so much as a goodbye? So, did you find what you were looking for? Belle: No. You were right, father. I should have just left things alone. That trip was a huge mistake. Maurice: I'm the one who's made the mistake, Belle. I've been keeping a secret from you. I know what happened during the ogre attack. Belle: Wait, what?! Maurice: I didn't want to add to your grief. When the ogres stormed the library where you and your mother had been working, the guards heard the commotion. They rushed in. They saw the ogres were about to attack. But your mother, she... She stood in the path of those monsters to protect you. She kept them at bay while the guards pulled you from danger. But by the time they came to save your mother... Belle: It was too late. She sacrificed herself for me. Maurice: She loved you so much, and so do I. I'm so glad you're back. I don't know what I would have done if the ogres had gotten you on the road. Belle: They... They have reached the roads? Maurice: The war is not going well. But you need not worry of such things. We have soldiers to fight. Belle: But those soldiers don't stand a chance. They'll only slow down the ogres' advance. We need someone who can stop them once and for all. Maurice: And who would that be? Belle: On my journey, I did some reading. And, well... There's a wizard, a powerful, powerful wizard, who may just help us. His name is... Maurice: I know his name! And I dare not speak it. Trust me, Belle, if we do... Belle: I know. Magic always comes with a price. But if mother's death taught me anything, it's that sometimes a hero has to sacrifice everything to save the people they love, and I will do whatever I can to save our land. And I can be a hero, just like mother. And if that means summoning Rumplestiltskin... Then so be it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the ice cave.) Mr Gold: I'm afraid we have a problem, dearie. I caught a glimpse of your mirror today. The Snow Queen: It's rather impressive, isn't it? I had no idea your bride would be so easy to turn. Mr Gold: Watch yourself. Now, I don't know exactly when you intend to use this mirror, but you should know this. I won't allow you to hurt those I care about. The Snow Queen: And I won't allow you to derail my plans because you've suddenly gotten sentimental. Mr Gold: You only get one warning. The Snow Queen: Which is more than you get. I can't make any promises over who may or who may not survive. Mr Gold: You know, you were wrong before. The Snow Queen: That you needed leverage to get what you want? Mr Gold: No, that I didn't have it. I do. (Mr Gold shows the Snow Queen the hat.) The Snow Queen: Where did you get that? Mr Gold: Oh, that's irrelevant. But now that I know what you're up to, we can have a real talk. You might want to reconsider your position, because I doubt you'd enjoy becoming just another embroidery on this hat. Looks like you've just lost your leverage, dearie. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In a jail.) Ingrid: Anna. It's time to wake up, dear. Anna: What? Where am I? Ingrid: Exactly where you belong. Anna: You can't just lock me in here! Elsa won't stand for it! Ingrid: Even when she finds out what you were planning to do to her? Anna: Wait. What? Ingrid: You were planning to use this to strip away her magic. Anna: No, that's not why I had it. Ingrid: Really? Then why didn't you tell Elsa about it? Anna: Because I-I didn't know how to tell her the truth. I found it with a man that our parents sought out. They went to him looking for a way to strip Elsa of the thing that makes her special. Ingrid: And you're following in their footsteps. Anna: I wasn't going to use it on her. I wasn't going to use it on anybody... Until you attacked me. The rock trolls told me what you've been hiding, that you and my mother had another sister. Ingrid: The rock trolls shouldn't talk about things that they don't understand. Anna: But it's true. What happened to her? Ingrid: Some secrets are better left buried. Anna: I don't understand. What do you want?! Ingrid: What I have always wanted... A family who will embrace me for who I am. For a brief moment, I thought the three of us could be that family... You, me, and Elsa. But you showed me that plan would never work. You have nothing in common with Elsa and me. You are the odd woman out. And now I suppose I have to find someone else to take your place. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At the sherif station.) Emma: The Snow Queen is your aunt? Elsa: According to this heraldry book I found in the library. Her name is Ingrid. I didn't even know my mother had any sisters. I'm as surprised as you are. Hook: Well, spend a little more time in this town, love, you'll realize just about everyone's related. Elsa: This book traces the lineage in Arendelle for generations. That's Gerda, my mother. And this is Helga, my other aunt. Hook: Bloody hell. Look at this one... She looks just like you. Maybe that's why she was so obsessed with you, why she kept all those relics from your childhood. Emma: She came to this world looking for blondes? There's a lot more than just me. Hook: Don't I know it. Elsa: She wasn't looking for a blonde. She was looking for the savior. Emma: What? Elsa: This scroll... The writing is runic. It's a prophecy. It says, "the name of the savior is Emma." Emma: She knew? Elsa: Before you even did. She knew you were powerful. Emma: But why? Elsa: It says it right here... "And the savior shall become Ingrid's sister." Emma: What the hell does that mean? Elsa: Well, my mother died, and her other sister... She's not around anymore. I think Ingrid believes in this prophecy. I think she's looking to replace them. (Belle comes.) Belle: Elsa. Elsa: Yes. Belle: I... I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry, but... Elsa: What? Belle: I-I've been keeping a secret. I know your sister, Anna. She helped me once. But when I had a chance to help her, I let her down. And because I did, she was captured by the Snow Queen. Elsa: What? Where did this happen? When? Belle: Arendelle... A long, long time ago. And I have no idea where she is now. But, uh, I'm afraid we have a more pressing concern. The Snow Queen has a mirror imbued with terrible magic that can do terrible things. Hook: Mirror? Easy enough, let's just go smash it. Belle: It's not that simple. Rumple told me it's part of an awful spell... The spell of shattered sight. If she casts it, its magic will make everyone in Storybrooke turn on one another. Hook: Bloody hell. The entire town will destroy itself. Belle: And there'd be no one left. Emma: Except us. Belle: What makes you think that she'd spare you and Elsa? Emma: Because of this. Elsa: She wants it to be just the three of us. Emma: Her perfect family.

Plan: A: Ingrid; Q: Who does Gold warn about harming anyone close to him? A: Emma; Q: Who discovers a prophecy scroll? A: Belle; Q: Who forces Gold to lead her to the Snow Queen's lair? A: Anna; Q: Who is trying to keep Elsa from finding out the truth about her trip? A: the Sorcerer's Hat; Q: What does Gold show Ingrid as proof? A: a mirror; Q: What is Ingrid planning to use to destroy everyone around Storybrooke? A: the only family; Q: Who does Ingrid want to bring into her world? A: the savior; Q: What does Emma discover she is? A: Ingrid's sister; Q: Who does Emma discover she is? A: the Enchanted Forest; Q: Where does Belle seek help in the past? A: help; Q: What does Belle seek out to find a way to remember her mother's death? A: Ingrid's (The Snow Queen's) presence; Q: Who does Anna become suspicious of? Summary: As everyone attempts to track down Ingrid, Emma discovers that there is more to her connection than she expected, while Belle begins to remember her past encounter with Anna and forces Gold into leading her to The Snow Queen's lair. After Belle sees the mirror, Gold warns Ingrid that he will stop her from harming anyone close to him, and shows her the Sorcerer's Hat as proof. Ingrid is planning to destroy everyone around Storybrooke by using a mirror in order to bring the only family into her world: her, Elsa, and Emma, who just discovered a prophecy scroll that she is the savior that will become Ingrid's sister. In Belle's past in the Enchanted Forest, she seeks out help to finding out a way to remember her mother's death with the help of Anna, who is trying to keep Elsa from finding out the truth about her trip, until she becomes suspicious of Ingrid's (The Snow Queen's) presence, and once Anna discovers that Ingrid is hiding the truth about having another sister, Ingrid imprisons her and steals the box that contains the Sorcerer's hat.

Michael: Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. [holds up a trophy of a business man] And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So, you ready for the... the Dundies? Pam: Ugh... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in a Fat Albert voice] Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert. Jim: What? Michael: [in Fat Albert voice] Fat Halpert. [in normal voice] Jim Halpert. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera? Jim: Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky. Michael: Oh, that's a good idea. Dwight: Mine are at home in a display case above my bed. Michael: Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say "Don't go there" but that's... lame. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling. Stanley: I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out. Michael: Oh, no you di-int. Stanley: I think I did. Michael: W-why did you... Stanley: Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember? Michael: Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in video] To Oscar Martinez it's the "Show Me the Money" award! Yeah! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Michael has taped every Dundies awards and now, he's making me look through hours of footage to find highlights. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [in video] That's supposed to be confidential. Michael: [in video] He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight! [Dwight starts playing the tune of "Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega on his recorder] Michael: [singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing... [Somebody sits in front of the camera on the video, so even though nothing can be seen, Michael can still be heard] Michael: [in video]...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere... Pam: Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great. Michael: [on video] ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of... [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: It was you. Phyllis: Live and learn. Pam: [quietly laughing] It wasn't. I swear. Kelly: Yeah, it was. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either. Pam: We're not laughing at you, Dwight. Dwight: So who are we laughing at? Pam: Um, just something somebody wrote. Dwight: Who? Dave Barry? Kelly: [laughing] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall. Dwight: What is it? Who wrote it? Pam: Um, it's kind of private. Phyllis: [whispering] It's about Michael. Dwight: That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less. Pam: Okay, now I'm laughing at you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [talking to the speakerphone] Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton? Jan: [on speaker phone] It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael. Michael: Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home. Jan: No. Michael: Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So... Jan: No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this. Michael: Um... [Michael looks at the camera and motions for the camera to leave the office] Michael: [to camera] Could you...? Jan: Are you there Michael? Michael: Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that. [Michael closes the blinds] [The camera tries to find a crack in the blinds] Michael: Um, what, ah, what is, I mean... [The camera pans around to reception, Pam is listening] Michael: ...come on, Jan! [The camera goes to a side of Michael's office where the blinds are still partially open] Michael: You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here. Jan: Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you? Michael: Well, yeah, I mean, what is... Jan: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason. Michael: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party... Jan: And you had a luau.... Michael: ...it happens once every billion years. Jan: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money. Michael: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N. Jan: Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense. Michael: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This is a little character I like to do [places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head], it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. [puts an envelope to his head] Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. [tears open envelope and pulls out card] "Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin." Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk. [SCENE_BREAK] [Phyllis catches Dwight trying to sneak into the girls bathroom] Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here!! [The door swings open and Dwight is being pushed out by Phyllis] Dwight: No, no, no, no... Phyllis: What were you doing in the ladies room?! Dwight: ...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think. Phyllis: Why were you peering over the stalls?! Dwight: No, why were you in there?! Phyllis: You are a pervert! Dwight: What were you doing in there? Phyllis: You, are, a pervert! Dwight: I am not. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in video] The Dundie award for "Longest Engagement" goes to Pam Beesley. Michael: Pam, everybody! [starts clapping] [Pam just sits there stirring her drink, rolls her eyes and glances over at Jim] [Jim, at the adjacent table, crosses his arms and glances over at Pam, both look annoyed] Michael: Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting. Roy: [on video] Yes. Michael: [on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf? Roy: [on video] Ah, w-we'll see you next year. Michael: [on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'm not changing that, it's the best one. Jim: No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, "world's longest engagement", um, we're all expecting it, you know? Michael: That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier. Jim: Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy. Michael: Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: You're taking away our bathroom? Dwight: We are going to have two men's rooms. Phyllis: But where would we...go? Dwight: Be prepared to hold folks [Michael comes out of his office] From 9 am to... Pam: Michael... Michael: Yes. Pam: ...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom. Michael: Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now. Dwight: Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions... Michael: Just don't, don't talk- Dwight: ...for people's behavior. Michael: Don't talk- Dwight: And it's- Michael: Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us. Dwight: [with a small fist pump] Yes! Michael: Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever. Dwight: [clapping] Best Dundies ever. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards. [Quick cut to everybody talking and ignoring Dwight] Dwight: Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. [points] Devon! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You're just a name and number and no one even says hello." [to Ryan] Card! [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're, kind of there. That's-that's kind of what it's like. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: "You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-" [The music stops, Michael looks back at Dwight] Dwight: The waitress tripped on the cord. Michael: Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. [takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo] I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink! [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [to waitress] Oh, just put these on the group tab. Michael: Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks. Stanley: You said, we could bring our families. Michael: I did. And why didn't ya Stanley? Stanley: I did, my wife's name is Terri. Michael: Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri. Stanley: It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael. [Michael is dumbfounded, Dwight pushes a button on his keyboard that says, "OHHH, YEAHHHH."] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [to Dwight, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight. Dwight: Really? We don't have any girls from HR. Michael: No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy. Dwight: Yeah? Michael: And I was about to take her bra off... Dwight: Yeah! Michael: ...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork- Dwight: Like an AIDS test? Michael: No! [under his breath] God. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [clears throat] Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Hey let's go to Poor Richard's. Roy: Yeah, let's get out of here. Pam: Um... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started. Pam: Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: You staying? Jim: Yeah, gotta eat somewhere. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts... Michael: ...the "Busiest Beaver" award goes to Phyllis Lapin. [Everybody starts clapping, Phyllis gets out of her booth and makes her way to Michael, she gives Jim a high five along the way] Michael: Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual. Phyllis: This says "Bushiest Beaver". Michael: What? I told them busiest...idiots. Phyllis: It's, it's fine. Michael: Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that. [SCENE_BREAK] [Pam and Roy are at the truck, arguing.] Pam: ...because that's what happens every time! Roy: ...talking about? He's a jackass every year. Pam: No. Roy: [Put's his hand on Pam's arm] Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's. Pam: [Breaks Roy's grip] No, I don't want to go, I don't want to. Roy: Pam. Go. Pam: If you would have asked me that, then you would know. [SCENE_BREAK] [Michael has false teeth in and glasses with squinted eyes on them] Michael: [in a stereotypical oriental accent] Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey! How are ya? I thought you left? Pam: Oh no, I just, I decided to stay. Jim: Oh! Pam: I'll just get a ride home from Angela. Jim: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping. Jim: Yeah. Michael: [doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny. [The camera zooms to an Asian customer behind Michael, she is looking at Michael in disbelief] Michael: Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jim's beer] Can I get a drink? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office. [Cut to Pam still drinking the beer] Michael: Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The "Hottest in the Office" award goes to... ...Ryan the temp! Michael: Yeah. [singing to music] "Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you." Here you go. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And the "Tight Ass" award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So...come on down. Angela: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Pam starts sipping an empty glass] I think those might be empty. Pam: No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink! [laughs] Jim: Second drink? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: The "Spicy Curry" award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go. Kelly: "Spicy Curry", what's that mean? Michael: Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke. Kelly: Yeah, but why'd you give it to me? Michael: I don't know, it's just... Kelly: This is a bowler- Michael: I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So... Kelly: Yeah, but everyone else- Michael: Just sit down Kelly. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [sweaty and chugging water from a bottle] It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. [Music starts playing in the background] Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Michael is singing to the tune of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John] "You have won a tiny Dundie." Guy at bar: Sing it Elton. Michael: Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from? Other Guy at Bar: We just came from yo' mama's house. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, alright, yeah. Guy At Bar: Sing 'em a song dude. Michael: Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh... Michael: [Something flies by Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really- [The guy at the bar throws another object, looks like a wad of wet napkins, this time it hits Michael on the shoulder] Guy At Bar: You suck man! Michael: Let's cut it. [Dwight turns the music off] Michael: [clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the "Don't Go in There After Me" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So... Michael: [give Kevin his award]There you go. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom. Jim: [starts clapping] Yeah, alright Kev. [More people start clapping] Pam: Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet! Jim: Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going. Pam: More Dundies! Pam and Jim: [clapping] Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Everybody: Dundies! Dundies! Michael: [getting his spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year. Pam: Fine work! Fine work Stanley! Michael: You know you did. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech [other people start joining in] Stanley: Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't... [Pam starts laughing her cute drunk laugh] Stanley: So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. [starts chuckling] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley... [Cut to Pam, her face goes from drunken elation to sober realization] Michael: ...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year. [Cut to Jim's reaction of scared expectation] Michael: It is the "Whitest Sneakers" award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! [Pam grabs the microphone from him] Oh, here we go. Pam: I have so many people to thank for this award. [Quick cut to Jim laughing and staring at Pam with amused wonder] Pam: Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. [people clap] Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because [people start clapping again] this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too. [Dwight stands up, but nobody claps] Pam: Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie. [Quick cut to Jim, he's doesn't know whether to laugh or take her seriously, so he gives her an amused/appreciative grin] Pam: And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!! Michael: Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. [Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: What a great year for the Dundies. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: We got to see Ping. [Pam nods] And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. [Pam nods] Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. [Pam nods] Which for me, has ruined them for life. [looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding] [Jim looks at the camera, then back at Pam, who is still nodding] Jim: What? Pam: Nothing. Jim: Okay. Pam: What? Jim: I don't know, what? [Pam starts laughing, then suddenly falls off the bar stool] Jim: Oh my God! You are so drunk! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on. Dwight: Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy. Jim: He's a volunteer. Dwight: Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush- Jim: Dwight come on, come- Dwight: It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt. [Dwight starts taking off his shirt, but gets stuck] Pam: Dwight, get off me! [A Chili's employee comes over, Jim helps Pam up, Dwight is stuck in his shirt] Employee: I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat. Dwight: [struggling] Ahh! I can't- [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oh my God! Jim: Whoa. Pam: I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!! Jim: Whoa. Jim: Whoa, careful, careful. [SCENE_BREAK] Chili's Employee: We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Great work tonight. Dwight: Watch your step. Michael: Excellent. Dwight: Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion. Michael: Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall. Jim: No you don't. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there. Pam: Hey, um, can I ask you a question? Jim: Shoot. [Pam stares at Jim for a little while, then glances at the camera, realizes she's on camera] Pam: Um, I just wanted to say thanks. Jim: Not really a question. [starts to laugh] Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk. [Jim opens the door for her] Jim: Alright. Pam: Bye. Jim: Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela.

Plan: A: Michael Scott; Q: Who is the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin? A: time; Q: What does Michael Scott announce it is for the Dundie Awards? A: the annual Dundie Awards; Q: What is the name of the awards? A: the insulting awards; Q: What do the employees loathe about the Dundie Awards? A: receptionist Pam Beesly; Q: Who tells off her fiance? A: Roy Anderson; Q: Who is Pam Beesly's fiance? A: the bumbling emcee; Q: What does Michael become? Summary: Michael Scott , regional manager of Dunder Mifflin , announces that it is time for the annual Dundie Awards that the employees loathe due to the insulting awards Michael bestows on them. At the awards, receptionist Pam Beesly tells off her fiancé Roy Anderson , one of the warehouse workers, when he insists they leave, and she later gets drunk. Michael becomes the bumbling emcee and bestows the regularly embarrassing awards on them.

Scene: The apartment. Howard: Completely empty box. If you'd like to examine it? Leonard: Mm-hmm. Yep. I see nothing in this box but a wasted childhood. Howard: Little snarky there, cello lessons. And we have this completely ordinary cylinder. If you'd like to examine it? Raj: Ordinary, yet I sense it is dripping with magical potential. Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. A man pops out for a moment to evacuate his bowels and catch up on the adventures of the Caped Crusader, only to emerge and discover his apartment has been transformed into a cabaret. Leonard: Sheldon, he's just practising for his cousin's birthday party. Howard: As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar) Raj: I'm telling you, dude, there's a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it. Sheldon: This is how you're going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them? Howard: How is this lying? Sheldon: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You've chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister. Raj: Can't you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain? Or up the butt? Sheldon: If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion. Leonard: Sheldon, he's just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don't think they're gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie. Howard: Don't be so hard on him. It's natural to be a little cranky when you have a quarter in your ear! Sheldon: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose. Howard: How is that not amusing? Sheldon: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security. (Storms out) Howard: Look, I made Sheldon disappear. Ta-da. Leonard: Next time, you should open with that. Credits sequence. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Penny: Ooh, look who's out on a date. Pasadena's favourite power couple, Shamy. Sheldon: And that is the answer to the question, what is wrong with eating at The Cheesecake Factory? Penny: So, are we celebrating anything special tonight? Amy: Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night. Penny: That is so hot. Sheldon: All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business? Amy: How was your day? Sheldon: Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin. Amy: Sounds like you hit the ground running. I have a bit of good news myself. My most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences in dendritic branches made the cover of Neuron. Sheldon: Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers. Amy: That's nice. Anyway, I've been dreaming of this day for a long time. Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I'm not gonna lie, feels pretty good. Amy: Sheldon, I'm the sole author on a paper being published in a distinguished journal that may change the course of my field. Sheldon: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ooh, 101! Air's getting a bit thin up here. Penny: So, are we ready to order? Amy: Give me a minute. I'm gonna go wash up. Sheldon: Well, that's odd. We both washed up when we came in. It's probably a euphemism for urination. Penny: Sheldon, what is wrong with you? Sheldon: Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don't know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside. Penny: Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal. Sheldon: Oh, I see why you're confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you're forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That's all about yucky, squishy things. Penny: Honey, she's upset. You're her boyfriend. You have to at least try to be excited by the things she's excited by. Sheldon: What if they simply don't excite me? Penny: Well, just smile and think about koalas. Sheldon: She'd see right through that. We go to the zoo all the time. She knows my koala face. And for future reference, it's this. Scene: Howard's bedroom. Bernadette: Oh, you have a lot of magic stuff. Howard: Yeah. I started when I was a teenager. I thought I could show a girl a few tricks and invite her up to my bedroom to see the rest of the act. Bernadette: Did it work? Howard: Ah, let's just say the only wand that ever saw any action was this one. Oh, look what my mom made us for the act. Bernadette: Ooh. I like the fabric. Where'd she get it? Howard: Well, she cut up one of her old bathing suits. She made these two vests and half a dozen napkins. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Has she tried on the vest yet? Howard: I just gave it to her! Mrs Wolowitz (off): I hope it fits, she has a tricky figure! She's short and stacked, like me! Howard: She's not stacked like you, Ma! She never steps on hers! Bernadette: Listen, Howie, maybe I'm not the best choice to be a magician's assistant. Howard: You'll do fine. Hand me those rings? See? You nailed it. Bernadette: You know, i-it's just that I'm not that comfortable with little kids. Howard: Well, that's because you haven't been around them much. This is good practice. I mean, you are gonna be a mom someday, right? Bernadette: Mmm, yeah, sure. Howard: Oh-ho-ho! I haven't seen this trick in years. It's called the dove pan. You let everyone see the pan is empty, but there's a secret compartment in the lid. And then you open it and produce a live... Don't look in there. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Oh, a little Red Dead Redemption, huh? Sheldon: Yes. Leonard: How come you're not doing a mission? You're just wandering around. Sheldon: Had a rough night. I thought I'd go for a walk and clear my head. Leonard: Some people go outside and do that. Sheldon: It's after nine o'clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats. Leonard: You want to talk about it? Sheldon: No. I think I'll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away. Leonard: You know digital alcohol is never a solution. What's going on? Sheldon: Hard as this may be to believe, it's possible that I'm not boyfriend material. Leonard: Glad I was sitting down for that. Did you and Amy get in a fight? Sheldon: Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I'm gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything? Leonard: No, I can't. I'm playing Grand Theft Auto later. Look, I'm no expert in women. Sheldon: I'll say. Leonard: That's not necessary when someone's trying to help you. Sheldon: I'm sorry. It's the alcohol talking. Go on. Leonard: Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change. Sheldon: Nuts to that. What else you got? Leonard: I don't know what to tell you. Buy her something. Sheldon: How does that work? Leonard: Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture. Sheldon: Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it. Leonard: Glad I could help. Sheldon: It's appreciated. And if you ever manage to find a woman again, I'll be glad to return the favour. Scene: The birthday party. Howard: And now, all the rings are magically linked together. My fiancee's wearing a magic ring, too. It made all my money disappear. Bernadette: Oh, ah, right. (Bangs drum and cymbal) And now, the great Howdini's next miraculous illusion. Child: When are we gonna have cake? Bernadette: After you've been thoroughly amazed. Child: But we want cake now. Bernadette: Well, you're not getting cake right now, capisce? Howard: Okay. Okay. Now, my lovely assistant is going to bring me an ordinary pitcher of milk. Second child: I know how you do that trick. Bernadette: Do you know how to pipe down? Howard: Okay, we're going to roll up this newspaper. Second child: It's a fake pitcher. Bernadette: You got wax in your ears? The man said it's an ordinary pitcher. Howdini. Howard: Okay, we're going to stick this in here (puts newspaper into trouser waistband) and then I'm going to pour in the milk. I hope this works, because I didn't bring a change of pants. Second child: Look, I Googled it. It's a fake pitcher. Bernadette: That's it. No cake for you. Anyone else want to join the No Cake Club? Howard: She's just kidding, boys and girls. Everyone gets cake. Bernadette: Not him. Howard: Just give me the pitcher. Behold! Wrong pitcher. Scene: Bernadette's car. Bernadette: I told you I'm not good with kids. Howard: Yes, you did. Oh, I think my crotch is starting to curdle. Bernadette: The thing is, my mother worked full-time. I had to take care of my brothers and sisters. Howard: Yeah, so? Bernadette: Ugh, it was horrible. With their snotty noses and their poopy diapers and their little shrieky voices, always complaining. I don't want to get dressed. Joey keeps spitting in my mouth. This isn't the way Mom makes waffles. Well, okay, put your hand in here. Let's see how you like this waffle! Howard: All right, settle down. Red light. Red light, red light! Okay, we're fine. Bernadette: I'm sorry. I know it makes me sound like a bad person, but I just don't like children. Howard: Yeah, no, we all got that. But don't you think it'll be different when the child is ours? Bernadette: Right, when it's our kid that's ruined my body and kept me up all night and I've got no career and no future and nothing to be happy about for the next 20 years, sure, that'll be completely different. Howard: Well, yeah. Scene: A jewellery store. Sheldon: I don't think there's anything in this jewellery store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears. Penny: Oh, my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff. Sheldon: Ooh, a pocket watch. Penny: Okay, I don't think Amy wants a pocket watch. Sheldon: No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch. Penny: Still saying stupid stuff. Ooh, does she like bracelets? Sheldon: Well, she's very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that? Assistant: Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady? Penny: (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple. Sheldon: Excuse me. I don't see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You'd be lucky to land a fella like me. Penny: Fine, go ahead. Sheldon: (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple. Assistant: My apologies. How can I help you today? Penny: He's in trouble with his girlfriend and needs to buy her a present. Assistant: Great, trouble with girlfriends is what's putting my daughter through USC. Penny: Ooh, are these real diamonds? Assistant: Yes. Channel set baguettes, 20 points total weight. Sheldon: Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you've got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars. Assistant: Actually, that's only 750. Everything's on sale. Sheldon: Really. Talk to me about that pocket watch. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Donkey Kong Jenga. Howard: I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. I always thought I'd be a dad someday. Raj: Oh, me, too. You're so caring. I've often pictured you guiding a young boy into manhood. Leonard: There you go, Howard. Sounds like Raj'll have your babies, problem solved. Raj: Hey, just because a man shows caring for another man doesn't mean he's displaying the love that dare not speak its name. Did she definitely say she didn't want kids? Howard: Yeah, she doesn't like them. And from what I saw, the feeling was mutual. Leonard: What are you gonna do? Howard: I don't know. I can't see a life where I don't have kids. I mean, people have kids. I mean, even Donkey Kong had Donkey Kong Jr. So he could teach someone how to kidnap princesses and throw barrels at Italian plumbers. Leonard: You know, there's no guarantee even if you have kids that you're going to like them. Raj: Wow, that's rough. Where'd you get that? Leonard: It's right off the dust jacket of my mom's last book. Howard: Maybe me and Bernadette aren't right for each other. Leonard: Look, Howard, I'd say there's a lot of fish in the sea, but I watched you dangle your hook in the water for years. Do not throw her back. Howard: I don't want to, but this is kind of a deal breaker. Raj: What's your mom going to say if you call off the wedding? Howard: Huh, it'll kill her. On the other hand, if I don't give her grandchildren, that'll kill her, too. So, either way, on the Mom front, I'm golden. Scene: Penny's apartment. Sheldon: What time did you tell Amy to be here? Penny: Eight o'clock. (Sheldon checks pocket watch) Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous. Sheldon: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor. Under what pretext did you lure her here? Penny: I said, hey, want to come over and hang out? Sheldon: Good, good, if you had said something clever, she might've gotten suspicious. Amy: Hey. Penny: Hi. Amy: What's he doing here? Penny: Okay, he wants to talk to you. Amy: Well, I don't want to talk to him. And I'm pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won't last. Penny: Sheldon, you're up. Sheldon: Thank you. Amy, I'd like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I'm proud of you. Amy: We both know that's your koala face. Sheldon: I told you. Penny: Okay, look, he bought you this. Amy: Jewellery? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centred person I have ever met. Do you really think another transparently manip..oh! It's a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me. Penny: You look beautiful. Amy: Of course I do, I'm a princess, and this is my tiara! Sheldon: You're right, the tiara was too much. Scene: Howard's bedroom. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard! Bernadette's... Oh, she slipped right by me. Bernadette: Here's your vest back. Howard: You should keep it. You could wear it again sometime. Bernadette: Where? Howard: I don't know, hunting? Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don't forget to talk to her about this mishegas where I don't get grandkids! Howard: Don't worry, Ma. I will, as soon as I can figure out a way to bring up such a sensitive issue! Bernadette: I guess you talked to your mom, huh? Howard: I was upset. My mom can be a pretty good shoulder to cry on, if the smell of Bengay doesn't burn your eyes. Bernadette: Look, it's obvious having kids is really important to you, and I think I came up with a solution. Howard: Really? That's great. What? Bernadette: Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I work and you stay home with the kids? Howard: Me? Bernadette: Yeah. You know, you'll watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates, and I'll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life. Howard: Yeah. Bernadette: Yay, so we're good. Howard: Yeah, we're good. Bernadette: You know, I don't know if this counted as a fight, but how about some make-up s*x? Howard: I would love that. But what is that behind your ear? Oh, look, it's a condom.

Plan: A: Amy and Sheldon's relationship; Q: What hits a snag? A: Sheldon; Q: Who is not interested in biology? A: the reputed scientific journal Neuron; Q: What is the name of the journal that Amy's paper is being published in? A: a huff; Q: What does Amy leave in? A: Penny; Q: Who does Sheldon go to the jewelry store with? A: Leonard; Q: Who tells Sheldon to buy something for Amy? A: her forgiveness; Q: What does Amy think Sheldon is trying to buy? A: her mind; Q: What does Amy change? A: a tiara; Q: What did Sheldon buy for Amy? A: children; Q: What does Bernadette hate? A: whose mother; Q: Who nags Howard to give her grandchildren? A: her grandchildren; Q: What does Howard's mother want? A: mulls; Q: What does Howard do with the idea of calling off the wedding? A: his house; Q: Where does Bernadette go to talk to Howard? A: a condom; Q: What does Howard suggest they use before they have sex? Summary: Amy and Sheldon's relationship hits a snag when Sheldon refuses to appreciate the news that Amy's paper is being published in the reputed scientific journal Neuron, causing her to leave their date midway in a huff. When Penny confronts Sheldon over his behavior to his girlfriend, he replies that he is not interested in biology. Later when he discusses the issue with Leonard, Leonard tells him to buy something for Amy to make up for his behavior. He then goes with Penny to the jewelry store. Amy feels insulted initially when Penny tells her that Sheldon bought her jewelry, thinking that he is trying to buy her forgiveness, but changes her mind when she sees it is a tiara. She becomes ecstatic and kisses and hugs him, leaving him confused. Meanwhile, Howard and Bernadette's relationship also hits a snag when Bernadette reveals to Howard that she hates children and does not want to have them after they get married. This upsets Howard, who wants children of his own, and whose mother continuously nags him to give her grandchildren. He begins to reconsider his relationship with Bernadette and mulls calling off the wedding. Later Bernadette comes over to his house and tells him that they can have children of their own after they get married in respect for his feelings. However she adds that he should stay at home and take care of them while she works, to which he reluctantly agrees. Howard then suggests they use a condom before they have sex.

Act 1 Scene 1 – KACL Frasier is doing the show and signs off for a commercial break. Roz comes into the booth. Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane. We'll be right back after this. Roz: OK, after this spot we're gonna come back in 15 seconds, you do a station ID and then toss it to the news. I'll count you down. Frasier: That won't be necessary. I have a built in mental stopwatch. As a child playing "Hide and Go Seek" I was the only one who didn't need to say, "One Hippopotamus Two Hippopotamus." Roz: Frasier, I've heard you. You're always either talking into the news or running short. Frasier: I am not! Roz: [taking money out her pocket] I'll bet you 20 bucks you blow this one. Frasier: All right, you're on. Roz: [looking at the clock] No, you are. Roz runs back through to the booth. Frasier starts the show again. Frasier: Hello, we're back. This is Dr. Frasier Crane tuning in for our second hour on the "Dr. Frasier Crane Show." In our first hour we covered everything from anorexia to xenophobia. What will be next? As always of course that's entirely up to you. So stick around – the Doctor is in and he's listening. [Frasier finishes, proud with himself until he realises he's forgotten a part and tries to rush it in] Ooh, this is KACL 780 AM... The news cuts in over him and he throws down his headphones in disgust. By this time Kate Costas has walked into the studio. Kate: That was very smooth. Frasier: Thank you. Roz: [collecting her money off Frasier] Oh, let's see. “One Andrew Jackson, Two Andrew Jackson...” Kate: Look Frasier, I've been getting a lot of complaints from sponsors saying that their ads are getting buried in huge commercial blocks. Frasier: I see. Kate: So instead of having four blocks per hour we're going to have eight... Frasier starts to daydream about Kate and the time he was in the studio with her grappling on the desk. Kate continues to talk over his daydream. Kate: ...only they're only going to be half as long. I thought it might help you. And you want to stay on top, don't you, Frasier? ...Frasier? Frasier snaps out his daydream. Frasier: Of course, very much so, yes! Kate: Good. Kate leaves through one door whilst Roz comes in through the other. Roz: Frasier, what was that? Frasier: What was what? Roz: Call me crazy, but when you were talking to Kate you had this goofy little teenage look on your face. If I didn't know better, I'd swear you got a thing for her. Frasier: For Kate? Roz: Mmm-hmm. Look at you. You're flushed. Frasier: I had Mexican for lunch. It's not lust – it's a Chimichanga. Roz: Frasier, I'm sorry but I'm never wrong about these things. Frasier: Have you lost your mind? Roz: Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong. Frasier: [looking Roz in the eye] Roz, you're wrong. [he turns away at the last minute] Roz: Oh my God. I'm sitting on a powder-keg here. You've got a crush on Kate! Frasier: Stop it. Everybody knows you are the biggest gossip in the entire station. You'll be sworn to secrecy. Roz: I swear I won't tell anyone. Frasier: No, it doesn't count until you shake my hand. Frasier puts out his hand. Roz: [shaking his hand] Oh, all right. Frasier: Roz, Kate and I... Roz: Oh my God! Kate's "Dirty Girl"! Roz goes hysterical and tries to wrench her hand free, but Frasier won't let go of it. Roz: Kate is the woman you had s*x with on the air in this booth and you were calling "Dirty Girl"? Oh my God! I just need a minute. Frasier: Alright. Of course it happened months ago. Only a couple of times. Roz: Uh-huh. Frasier: Our relationship started out so antagonistic. Then suddenly it just spilled over into passion. Intense, romantic, exciting... Roz visualises the studio with Frasier and Kate. Kate is standing in front of Frasier looking at him. Frasier takes down his trousers and waddles towards Kate before falling flat on his face whilst trying to reach out to her. Frasier: ...the whole thing's over now, but Roz, you will say nothing, absolutely nothing... Roz? Roz? Roz snaps out her daydream looking slightly disturbed. Roz: Boy, I'll never do that again! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 – Frasier's apartment Niles and Daphne are in the kitchen together. Daphne is grating a carrot whilst Niles looks on. Niles: I notice you're grating that carrot at a 45-degree angle. Does that enhance the flavour? Daphne: No, no. Just an old habit. Niles: Ah! And why exactly did you choose to grate carrots? Daphne: [getting annoyed] Because we have carrots! Niles: I hope you don't mind all the questions. It's just now that I'm separated I'm going to have to learn to cook for myself. Daphne: Quite alright. Tell you what. Why don't you grate while I put the chicken in? Daphne squeezes past Niles towards the oven. Niles enjoys the "experience." He then examines the grater. Niles: Thousands of little metal teeth able to tear the flesh right off your... Niles goes to grate the carrot but grates his finger instead. He pulls back in pain and knocks Daphne who drops one of the chickens, which was to go in the oven. Niles checks himself for blood. Niles: No, no, false alarm. Normally I bleed like the Russian royal Family, but not today. While he's been talking Daphne has picked up the chicken that was lying on the floor and put it back on the tray. She sticks a toothpick in it, which Niles notices. Niles: Interesting. You put a toothpick in that chicken. Now, is that to check when it's done? Daphne: No, no. I'm just marking which one is yours. Dr. Crane, would you mind setting the table? Niles: Oh, certainly. Just give a yell if there's anything else that you need to have grated. Daphne: You've done enough grating for one night! Niles walks through to the living room to see Martin sitting at the table writing. Niles: Writing a letter? Martin: [sarcastic] No, I'm writing my memoirs! Niles: I'll take that as a Yes. Martin: My old army buddy. Niles: [examining the letter over Martin's shoulder] You know that's the improper use of a hyphen. Martin: Somehow I don't think Maurie Dingman will mind. Niles: Then I'm sure he won't notice that missing comma and that run-on sentence. Although this is a particularly glaring error. It's best not to end a sentence with a preposition. Martin does some scoring out and writing in before handing the letter to Niles to be "marked". Niles examines the letter. Niles: Not to be technical, but "Off" is a preposition too! Frasier walks in. Frasier: Evening all. Niles: Good news. I have tickets for the symphony tomorrow night. Are you free? Frasier: Well, actually no. I have a date. Martin: With who? Frasier: Some woman I met at my accountant's. Martin: Yeah, when I was in the service – first thing I'd do when I hit a new port was go straight to an accountant and find out where the action was. Frasier: I must admit I'm having a little trouble working up my enthusiasm about it. It's not the woman's fault. It's just that I find myself preoccupied with somebody else right now. Well, frankly, it's gone a bit beyond preoccupation. I'm having fantasies about her all the time. Martin: Well there's nothing wrong with that. You know, when I first met your mother she was so upbeat and bouncy I used to fantasize about her wearing a skimpy little cheerleader's outfit, shaking her pom-poms... Frasier and Niles protest loudly for Martin to stop. Martin: Grow up you two! I'm just saying it's perfectly natural. I can't tell you the number of times I was on a stake-out in the cold picturing your mother in front of a warm fire wearing nothing but a... Frasier/Niles: DAD!!! Martin: Oh, I'm sorry. One day your mother and I went on a church picnic and the two of you came floating down the river in little wicker baskets! Niles: Was that so hard? Frasier: You know, I'm beginning to wonder if I have real feelings for this woman? I mean I think about her all the time. Daphne walks in from the kitchen. Daphne: Ooh this sounds interesting. Who are we talking about? Frasier: Kate from the office. Martin: Oh, "Dirty Girl." She seemed nice. Frasier: She is nice. Intelligent, accomplished. Daphne: Well, if you think so much of her why don't you ask her out? Frasier: Well, we agreed we wouldn't pursue things. Frankly, she hasn't given me any indication since that she's even had a second thought about me. Niles: Added to which, if Frasier did pursue her and she rejected him, he could hardly rationalise it by saying she doesn't know what she's missing. She would know exactly what she's missing - she just didn't miss it! Frasier: [staring daggers at Niles] Thank you, Niles! Daphne: You can't let fear of rejection stop you Dr. Crane. Frasier: Well, you know Daphne, it's just not that easy really. Maybe I'm letting this romantic fantasy run away with me. Truth is we don't really know each other very well and, if she did reject me, I'd end up going to work every day feeling like a fool. Martin: [sniffing the air] Hey, am I getting a whiff of chicken here? Frasier: [annoyed] Oh fine Dad! Frankly I've had enough of you and your adolescent wisecracks. I am not "chicken." I am just merely hesitant. I will ask her out tomorrow. Fine. I hope that makes you happy! [he storms out the living room] Martin: I just thought I smelled dinner! [SCENE_BREAK] THE CITY WITH BROAD, BARE SHOULDERS Scene 3 – KACL Kate is standing, waiting for the elevator. Frasier joins her. Frasier: Oh Kate. Hi. There you are. I wanted to talk with you. Kate: I'm just going down to the Billing department. Frasier: I'll ride along with you. [both get in the elevator] You know, it seems every time we speak lately the conversation always leads to ratings, commercials, demographics... As Frasier continues to talk, Kate starts to daydream about grappling with Frasier on a bed. Frasier: ...hirings and firings, promotions, demotions, the odd skirmish over the expense account. It just seems all so dry and impersonal. [looks at the control panel] Did I hit the right button? Kate: Oh, yes! [snaps out of it] Yes. Yeah. You did. You did. You hit the right button. I'm sorry – I've got a lot on my mind. Frasier: Yeah, so do I. Kate I wanted to ask you Kate: Frasier, I'm leaving KACL. I'm moving to Chicago. Frasier: What? Kate: Yeah. I'm taking over a station there. In fact I'm going out on the "Redeye" tonight. I thought, given our history, I should tell you first. Frasier: [shocked] Well, I'm at a loss for words. Kate: Wouldn't you know it – on the day I'm leaving? The lift stops and Kate gets out. Frasier: Well congratulations. This is a big step for you. Kate: Thanks. Boy, this was not an easy decision believe me. You never know if you're leaving a place too soon. Frasier: All I know is that for the time you've been here I've certainly enjoyed having you. [Frasier realises what he just said and tries to apologise] Having you... Kate: I know. I guess this is goodbye. Frasier: I suppose so. Goodbye, Kate. They go to kiss but are interrupted and pull back. Kate heads off, leaving Frasier looking sad in the elevator. End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 – Frasier's apartment Frasier is adjusting his shirt and tie for his date. Daphne is sitting at the table. Daphne: My. Don't you look dashing? Frasier: Thank you. Daphne: So, tell me about this woman you're going out with. Frasier: Well, her name's Donna. She's an art director. Or a park director – I forget. Daphne: Look, I know you're upset about Kate leaving but cheer up. There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those questions you ask. "What's your favourite food?" "What's your favourite colour?" "If you were to come back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?" If she were to ask you that one, what would you say? Frasier: "Cheque please" comes to mind! The phone rings and Martin picks up. Martin: Hello? Niles, no one was mean to you last night. No, if you want to come over, that's great. Yeah, we'd love to see you. OK. Bye. The doorbell goes and Frasier answers. It's Niles. Frasier: Hey Niles. Martin: No traffic? Niles: Dad, you sounded lonely so I rented some movies. Martin: Oh, didn't you know the VCR is broken? Niles: No subtitles this time! Martin: Oh, that's right, I got it fixed. What'd you bring? Niles: I have "The Way We Were" and a classic, "Casablanca." Daphne: Oh, I just love that movie. Is there any more heartbreaking moment in all of film than when Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman to get on that plane with Victor Laszlow even though Bogey loves her? What an ending! Niles: Well, there goes my need to finally see that one. Frasier: He cares deeply for her and yet he lets her go. Wonder why Bogey did that? Niles: Why don't we put the movie in and find out? Daphne: Because Laszlow needed her by his side to fight the Nazis. Martin: Forget the Nazis. No man in his right mind would give up Ingrid Bergman. By now Niles has both fingers in his ears trying to drown out the conversation. Daphne: Oh sure! Sacrifice the entire free world for a little Swedish meatball? Martin: Look, I don't like Nazis any more than the next guy but what's Ingrid going to do with Laszlow? Daphne: You're missing the point. What makes the movie so romantic is seeing Bogey go from a cynical playboy to a noble self- sacrificing patriot. Niles: [throwing the videotape away in disgust] Oh why don't you just put on some trenchcoats and act it out? Daphne: I'm telling you, if you're in his shoes you've only got one choice. Martin: I'll say you do. You get the hell down to the airport and tell her to get off the plane. Daphne: She's going to Lisbon to fight the Nazis! Frasier: [grabbing his raincoat and heading for the door] No, she's not. She's going to Chicago to turn a Country & Western station into an all-talk format. Martin: Where are you going? Frasier: To stop Kate from getting on that plane! Martin: Well your date's gonna be here in a minute. What are we supposed to tell her? Frasier: Oh, I don't know. Tell her I'm visiting a sick friend or something. Better yet – just tell her the truth. Sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together. Daphne: Ooh – it's just like Redford and Streisand at the end of "The Way We Were." Niles: [throwing the second videotape away] And that's another one down. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 – Kate's Apartment Frasier knocks on Kate's door and she answers. Kate: Frasier! Frasier: Don't say anything. Just listen. Kate, this afternoon I wanted to say something to you but when I found out you were leaving I held back. Well, I'm not holding back any more. I can't stop thinking about you. Not just about the times we made love but about the possibility that we might have a future together. Now if there's any part of you that wonders the same thing about me, we owe it to ourselves to see it through. You see, if you get on that plane tonight you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of our lives. Anyway I think I made my point. What do you think? A man (Tony) walks up from behind Kate from in the apartment. Tony: Kate! Frasier: [surprised] More importantly, what do you think? Frasier skulks away. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 – Frasier's Apartment Niles, Daphne, Martin and Donna (Frasier's date) are all sitting watching Niles’s videos. Martin: Aw, for God's sake, you've been bawling the whole movie. Niles: I have not – my eyes just itch! Frasier walks in. Frasier: Well, it turns out Bogey was right to let her go. Martin: Frasier, what are you doing here? Look, Donna stayed to watch “Casablanca” with us. Frasier: Donna, hi. Donna: Hello, Frasier. How's your friend? Martin: In the hospital? Frasier: Oh, he's doing much better actually. They're thinking of sending him home tomorrow. Donna: After a heart transplant? Frasier: Well, he's with an HMO! So... er... what do you say we have that dinner? Donna: Great, I'll just grab my coat. Donna goes off to get her coat. The doorbell goes and Frasier answers. It is Kate. Frasier: Kate! Kate: OK; now you listen to me. I was so touched by what you just said at my apartment. You said everything that I've wanted to say to you for the last two months. Tony's just a guy that I went out with a couple of times. He just came over to say goodbye to me before I went to the airport. When you saw him you just looked so hurt... Donna appears from behind Frasier. Donna: You had a date with her tonight too? Kate: ...but apparently you rebounded! I'm sorry. I thought you were sincere. [heading off towards the elevator] Hold the elevator! Frasier: Kate! I was, Kate! This woman means nothing to me. Donna: Thanks a lot! Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, Donna. I'm truly sorry. It was very inconsiderate, but that woman means a great deal to me. I'm sure you'll hate me, but I just gotta do what I gotta do. Frasier heads out after Kate leaving Donna in the apartment. Martin: I'm really sorry about this. Daphne: Why don't you stay and watch the end of the movie. Donna: Thank you, but I've spent quite enough time in this house tonight. Donna leaves angrily and meets Frasier standing outside the elevator. Frasier: Well... this is lucky. We can ride down together. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 – The Airport Frasier rushes into the departure lounge where Kate is waiting. Frasier: Kate! Kate: Frasier! [she hugs Frasier] Frasier: Oh my God. I know you're upset. I don't even care about that woman. She's just a blind date I didn't even want to go on. I wanted to be with you tonight. Kate: I know. I overreacted. I've been standing here for a half an hour hoping you'd come. I never thought you'd come. Frasier: I can't believe I waited so long when all I had to do was say something. Kate: Listen, it's not your fault. I could have said something. Frasier: [kisses her] Well it doesn't matter. We're together now. Attendant: Your boarding pass, please? Frasier: [letting people go ahead in the queue] Go ahead. Go ahead. [to Kate] Couldn't you just stay one more night? Just call them. Tell them you'll come in tomorrow. Kate: I can't. I can't. I have a board meeting in the morning. Frasier: Oh damn. All right I'll call you. Where are you staying? Kate: I'm staying at The Drake. But, you know what? I'll call you. I'll call you the minute I get in. Attendant: Ma'am, we're closing the doors. Kate: Goodbye Frasier: Goodbye. I'll miss you. Kate: I'll miss you. Frasier and Kate kiss goodbye and Kate heads off to the plane. As she closes the door behind her a message comes over the Loudspeaker. Attendant: Ladies and Gentlemen. I just spoke with our captain and we're having a little technical snag. So Flight 487 to Chicago will be delayed indefinitely. Kate comes back out the door and rushes into Frasier's arms. Kate: I missed you! Frasier: I missed you too! The minute that door closed I started praying for something bad to happen to your plane. Kate: It's just like fate – like somebody's willing us to get together. Frasier: I felt that way since the moment I met you. Kate: Me too. Why don't you come with me tonight? Frasier: I gotta work. I could come out next weekend. Kate: Oh, yeah. Oh, great. You know what, you can meet my twin sister. She lives in Chicago. Frasier: You've got a twin? Kate: Yes. Frasier: Wow. You know there's so much we don't know about each other. Kate: Well, ask me. Ask me anything. Frasier: Er... oh, I know. What's your favourite colour? Kate: Blue. What's yours? Frasier: Arctic silver. It's available on all the big BMW's. Kate: Where's your favorite city? Frasier: Paris! Museum? Kate: The Prada! Musical? Frasier: Candide! Yours? Kate: Cats! Frasier forces a smile but doesn't look too impressed. Frasier: Really? Kate: Well I love cats. I have a cat. Would you like to meet Louie? [she points down towards the cat box she has with her] Frasier: No, no. Allergies. Allergies. Cats. Not really much of a pet person. Kate: Oh, really? Oh, no. All right, we'll work around that. You Know, what we can do when you come out? We can go jogging around the lake. Oh Frasier, the lake is so beautiful. Do you ever jog? Frasier: Once. In a dark parking lot. When a truck backfired. Kate: Oh, all right. We can do something that you like. What do you like? What do you like? Frasier: Well, we could go antiquing. Kate: You know what? I'm not one of those people for whom "antique" is a verb. Frasier: Ah! Well, this is all good. The contrasts between us will make our relationship more vibrant. Kate: Vive la difference! They both laugh nervously. Suddenly Frasier starts sneezing. Kate: [pointing at the cat box] Louie's getting to you, isn't he? Frasier: No, no. It's all right. Kate: Well, you know, if this is really gonna be a problem there's a shot. Frasier: Yes – and I understand they're completely humane! [Kate stares at him in horror] Oh, you meant an allergy shot, didn't you? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 5 – Still in the airport Frasier is sneezing uncontrollably. Kate looks on. Kate: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Frasier. I'm just afraid that if I move Louie any further away they're gonna think he's a bomb! Frasier: It's all right. It's all right. So... er... you were saying that you love animals? Kate: Oh yeah. I think that's one of the main things that motivates me to work so hard. I've always had this dream to get a ranch in Montana – you know? To ski in the morning and ride horses in the afternoon? I just always wanted to raise horses. Frasier: Wow, life on a ranch raising horses. I always pictured myself in a penthouse raising children. Kate: You still want more children then? Frasier: Yes. You like kids? Kate: Oh yeah. I love kids. I don't see myself mothering one, though. Frasier and Kate both look downhearted as they realise they're not suited. Kate: [heading for the desk] You know, just to be on the safe side let me just check to see if there's another flight? Frasier: Yeah, it couldn't hurt. Kate: Excuse me – is there another flight to Chicago tonight? Attendant: Not until morning. Frasier: How about on another airline? Attendant: [checking the computer] American has one connecting through Atlanta leaving in 10 minutes. Kate: Atlanta's good. That's a hub. Attendant: Yeah, but they're way on the other side of the airport! Kate: Oh damn. I'll never get there. Frasier: [noticing an electronic buggy nearby] Look Kate – fate to the rescue once again. [speaking to the driver as they both get on] Sir – this woman has to get across the terminal post-haste. Driver: Hey pal, this'll go a lot faster with just one person. Frasier: Good point. [kisses Kate goodbye] Bye. [realises they are never going to see each other again] Pity, though! Kate: Isn't it? Frasier is left standing in the departure lounge and notices Louie still in the cat box sitting there. He picks up Louie and heads out the lounge. Frasier: Well, Louie. This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship. End of Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Niles, Daphne, Martin and Eddie are still in the apartment. Niles is watching the video whilst Martin and Eddie are asleep and Daphne is asleep on his shoulder. Niles tries to reach out for his drink but is restricted by Eddie on his lap and Daphne on his shoulder. He leans forward, trying no to wake Daphne, but ends up spilling the drink all over the carpet.

Plan: A: Roz; Q: Who gets Frasier to reveal the identity of "dirty girl"? A: KACL; Q: What radio station was Frasier's affair broadcast on? A: Kate; Q: Who does Frasier think about constantly? A: any relationship; Q: Frasier wonders if he and Kate made the right decision not to pursue what? A: Daphne; Q: Who encourages Frasier to not let fear of rejection get in his way? A: a new job; Q: What is Kate moving to Chicago to start? A: goodbye; Q: What do Frasier and Kate say to each other when she leaves? A: Niles; Q: Who calls Frasier with a video of Casablanca? Summary: Roz gets Frasier to reveal the identity of "dirty girl", with whom he had an affair that was accidentally broadcast live on KACL . Frasier finds himself thinking about Kate constantly, and wondering if they made the right decision not to pursue any relationship. Daphne encourages him not to let fear of rejection get in his way, but just as Frasier is on the point of broaching the subject with Kate at work, she announces that she is moving to Chicago that night to start a new job. They say goodbye and that seems to be the end, but Niles decides to call around later that day with a video of Casablanca , and the ensuing conversation starts Frasier thinking again.

A sweeping shot, the camera flies across an old manor house style building. We see a sign which indicates this building is the Rattigan Academy. The camera continues to sweep, showing us the building lit in eerie pink lighting; looking atmospheric in the night time. Coming out of the main doors we see a big group of students, led by Luke Rattigan. The students are forcefully carrying Jo Nakashima. STUDENT: Come on, stop struggling! JO: You're gonna regret this! Completely ridiculous! Get your hands off me! They continue to carry her until they reach the main steps, once they reach the steps Jo is thrown down them along with her files which are scattered across the floor. LUKE: I think that makes my answer clear. He makes his way through the crowd of his red tracksuit-clad students. We see him, only 18 years old yet very much in charge, towering over Jo. LUKE: Don't you? Oh, and, er... if you're gonna go to print, spell my name right. Rattigan, with two Ts! JO: Oh this goes way beyond the newspapers! This thing's worldwide! I'm telling you, ATMOS is dangerous! LUKE: But if you had proof then you wouldn't be here! JO: Fine! If you won't listen, I'll find someone else who will. Having collected her belongings from the floor, Jo storms off towards her car. Once in the car, we see a sticker displaying ATMOS and see her ATMOS sat-nav. SAT NAV: Welcome. What is your destination? JO: Shut up, you're the last thing I need. She tries to switch off the ATMOS, but it will not turn off. SAT NAV: ATMOS cannot be disabled. JO: Right then. Take me to UNIT Headquarters. Tower Bridge, London. SAT NAV: UNIT Headquarters. The car sets off. In his room, Rattigan is talking to someone off screen, somewhere far away over intercom. LUKE: Her name's Jo Nakashima. Freelance journalist, clever by the sound of it. But not as clever as me... but that goes without saying. He picks up a squash racket and ball, he plays around with them and continues talking. We see him talking briefly over the computer screen of the alien menace before returning back to his room. LUKE: I'd recommend... termination. GENERAL STAAL: Remember your status boy, we do not take orders from humans. LUKE: I said "recommend". GENERAL STAAL: Then your advice shows military wisdom. She will be terminated. LUKE: Cool. He gives a smile and hits his squash ball into the distance, triumphant. Jo is driving her car down a road, while talking on her phone. She has reached the answering machine of UNIT. ANSWER MACHINE: This is UNIT extension 221... JO: Come on, don't go to answerphone. Yes, this is a message to Colonel Mace from Jo, Jo Nakashima. Look, you... you should've got my email. I've been investigating a number of deaths related to ATMOS systems... SAT-NAV: Go straight on. JO: ... no, I can't prove anything but there's got to be a link. I need you to check all the people who died in ATMOS cars yesterday, and then check out the time. SAT-NAV: Turn right. It is now clear that Jo has reached a dead end, and the car stops near the river. JO: I don't believe this! SAT-NAV: This is your final destination. JO: I said take me to UNIT! She tries to correct the sat-nav but nothing happens. SAT-NAV: Go straight on! JO: I don't think so! I'll find my own way, thanks. At that moment the car activates itself, revving up. Jo tries to control it. SAT-NAV: This is your final destination. This is your final destination. This is your final destination... The locks of the car are activated and Jo begins to panic. JO: No! No! Help! No! The car sets off driving at speed towards the river. JO: No! NOOO! The car speeds up, before hitting the river at great speed. We see it going slowly under after a large impact. Inside the TARDIS we see Donna at the controls, with the Doctor watching on. Seemingly he is teaching her to pilot it. Donna looks over the moon, the Doctor looks worried. DONNA: I can't believe I'm doing this! DOCTOR: No, neither can I. He continues to watch on as she activates some controls. DOCTOR: Oh, careful! He nudges her aside, gives the console a whack with the mallet and activates another control. He moves aside allowing Donna control again. He is watching the scanner eagerly with the mallet held closely to him. DOCTOR: Left hand down, left hand down! Donna pulls down a control with her left hand and the TARDIS lurches. The Doctor regains control for a second. DOCTOR: Getting a bit too close to the 1980s! DONNA: What am I gonna do? Put a dent in 'em? DOCTOR: Well, someone did. A mobile phone rings, Donna looks bemused, the Doctor looks concerned. He moves around the console to the source of the ringing. DONNA: Hold on. That's a phone! The Doctor pulls a mobile phone from a hold in the console. DONNA: You've got a mobile? Since when? DOCTOR: It's not mine. He answers the phone and sits down next to the console. DOCTOR: Hello? We see Martha Jones, standing in an alleyway with a phone. She turns to face the camera and smiles to herself. MARTHA: Doctor? It's Martha, and I'm bringing you back to Earth! OPENING CREDITS Martha is standing in an alleyway. She hears a noise and turns to see the TARDIS materialize. The Doctor pops his head out. Looks one way then the other and sees Martha. DOCTOR: Martha Jones. MARTHA: Doctor. They walk towards each other and hug. DOCTOR: You haven't changed a bit! MARTHA: Neither have you! Donna starts to walk towards the door of the TARDIS. DOCTOR: How's the family? MARTHA: You know, not so bad. Recovering. DOCTOR: What about you? Donna steps out of the TARDIS. The Doctor looks around at her. MARTHA: Right. Should have known. Didn't take you long to replace me then. DOCTOR: Now, don't start fighting. Martha, Donna. Donna, Martha. Please don't fight, can't bear fighting. DONNA: You wish. She walks forward and shakes Martha's hand. DONNA: I've heard all about you. He talks about you all the time. MARTHA: I dread to think. DONNA: No, no, no. No. He says nice things. Good things. Nice things. Really... good things. MARTHA: Oh my god, he's told you everything. DONNA: Didn't take long to get over it though. Who's the lucky man? DOCTOR: What man? Lucky what? DONNA: She's engaged, you prawn. Martha waves her hand with a ring on it. DOCTOR: Really, who to? MARTHA: Tom. That Tom Milligan. He's in pediatrics. Working out in Africa right now, and yes, I know. I've got a doctor who disappears off to distant places. Tell me about it. DONNA: Is he skinny? MARTHA: No, he's sort of... strong. DONNA (gesturing to the Doctor): HE is too skinny for words! You give him a hug, you get a paper cut. DOCTOR: Oh, I'd rather you were fighting. MARTHA: Speaking of which... She gets a call over walkie-talkie. VOICE: Dr Jones, report to base please. Over. MARTHA: This is Dr. Jones. Operation Blue Sky is go, go, go. I repeat, this is a go! Martha, Donna, and the Doctor stand by as UNIT soldiers, trucks, and vans roll by. SOLDIER: Unified Intelligence Taskforce. Raise that barrier, now! More cars and loading trucks roll by in to a factory. SOLDIER: Leave your safeties on, lads, it's non-hostiles. LOUDSPEAKERS: All workers, lay down your tools and surrender. MARTHA: Greyhound Six to Trap One. B Section, go, go, go! Search the ground floor, grid pattern Delta. DOCTOR: What are you searching for? MARTHA: Illegal aliens. LOUDSPEAKERS: This is a UNIT operation. All workers lay down your tools and surrender immediately! MARTHA: B section mobilised! E section, F section, on my command! She runs off, commanding the action. UNIT men grasp workers in blue suits and point guns at their heads. DONNA: Is that what you did to her? Turn her into a soldier? The Doctor looks uneasy. SONTARAN (looking at a camera screen): As predicted, the UNIT forces have moved to the penultimate stage. GENERAL STAAL: Observe their troops. Thin fabrics. Exposed skin. Feeble weapons. These are toy soldiers. The playthings of children. Martha walks back to where the Doctor and Donna are standing. DOCTOR: And you're qualified now? You're a proper doctor. MARTHA: UNIT rushed it through given my experience in the field. Here we go. They start walking. MARTHA: We're establishing a field base on site. They're dying to meet you. DOCTOR: Wish that I could say the same. They walk in to a huge long truck. It is a big moving military office. Martha walks towards a man. MARTHA: Operation Blue Sky complete, sir. Thanks for letting me take the lead. And, this is the Doctor. Doctor, Colonel Mace. COLONEL MACE (salutes): Sir! DOCTOR: Oh, don't salute. COLONEL MACE: Well, it's an honour, sir! I've read all the files on you and, technically speaking, you're still on staff. You never resigned. DONNA: What, you used to work for them? DOCTOR: Yeah, long time ago. Back in the 70s. Or was it the 80s? But it was all a bit more homespun back then. COLONEL MACE: Times have changed, sir. DOCTOR: Yeah, that's enough of the "sir". MARTHA: Come on now Doctor, you've seen it. You've been on board the Valiant. We've got massive funding from the United Nations. All in the name of home world security. COLONEL MACE: A modern UNIT for a modern world. DONNA: What, and that means arresting ordinary factory workers? In the streets, in broad daylight? It's more like Guantanamo Bay out there. Donna, by the way. Donna Noble, since you didn't ask. I'll have a salute. COLONEL MACE (salutes): Ma'am. DONNA: Thank you. DOCTOR: Tell me. What's going on in that factory? COLONEL MACE: Yesterday 52 people died in identical circumstances, right across the world, in 11 different time zones. 5am in the UK, 6am in France, 8am in Moscow, 1pm in China. DOCTOR: You mean they died simultaneously. COLONEL MACE: Exactly. 52 deaths at the exact same moment, worldwide. DOCTOR: How did they die? COLONEL MACE: They were all inside their cars. MARTHA: They were poisoned. I checked the biopsies, no toxins. Whatever it is, left the system immediately. DOCTOR: What have the cars got in common? MARTHA: Completely different makes. They're all fitted with ATMOS. And that, is the ATMOS factory. DOCTOR: What's ATMOS? DONNA: Oh, come on. Even I know that. Everyone's got ATMOS! They walk on a corridor overlooking the main factory area. MARTHA: Stands for Atmospheric Omission System. Fit ATMOS in your car, reduces CO2 emissions to zero. DOCTOR: Zero?! No carbon, none at all? DONNA: Oh yes. Sat-nav and 20 quid in shopping vouchers if you introduce a friend. Bargain! COLONEL MACE: And this is where they make it, Doctor. Shipping worldwide. 17 factories across the globe, but this is the central depot, sending ATMOS to every country on Earth. DOCTOR: And you think ATMOS is alien? COLONEL MACE: It's our job to investigate that possibility. Doctor? They walk on, passing through the area where the UNIT soldiers are still investigating the workers. SOLDIER: Come on, everybody. Up the pace, go on. We haven't got all day now! Colonel Mace, the Doctor, Donna and Martha arrive to an office. COLONEL MACE: And here it is, laid bare. ATMOS can be threaded through any and every make of car. DOCTOR: You must've checked it, before it went on sale. MARTHA: We did, we found nothing. That's why I thought we needed an expert. DOCTOR: Really, who'd you get? She doesn't answer, just looks at him meaningfully. So do Donna and Colonel Mace. DOCTOR: Oh, right! Me! Yes! Good. DONNA: OK, so why would aliens be so keen on cleaning up our atmosphere? DOCTOR: Very good question. DONNA: Maybe they want to help. Get rid of pollution and stuff. DOCTOR: Do you know how many cars there are on planet Earth? 800 million. Imagine that. If you could control them, you'd have 800 million weapons. In a dark corridor, Private Gray is checking a map with a torch. PRIVATE GRAY: We should head back. There's not much down here. Should be just boiler rooms, generators. Lights turn on as Private Harris walks around the corner. The place is deserted, but two workers are standing in front of a door at the end of the corridor. PRIVATE HARRIS: Aye, aye. What's this, then? They walk up to the workers. PRIVATE HARRIS: You two. All personnel have been ordered to evacuate. The building's under UNIT control. WORKER: This area is out of bounds. PRIVATE HARRIS: Excuse me, sunshine? I think you'll find we're in charge. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. SONTARAN (watching them over video link): General Staal. They are close. GENERAL STAAL: Excellent! And like a good warrior, I shall enter the fray myself! Let them pass. One of the workers opens the door. WORKER: It's open. PRIVATE HARRIS: Ha. Come on. The room is full of tanks and strange objects, lit by magenta and green lights. PRIVATE HARRIS: What the hell? PRIVATE GRAY (over walkie-talkie): Greyhound 16 to Trap One. We've found something. Basement corridor, north side, grid 36. Request backup, over. They walk up to a huge, covered basin. PRIVATE HARRIS: It's like something boiling inside... PRIVATE GRAY: Don't touch it! PRIVATE HARRIS: Come on, Steve! We get first rights on this. That means promotion! PRIVATE GRAY: Just leave it alone! Wait for backup. A loud thud comes from the basin. PRIVATE GRAY: What was that? PRIVATE HARRIS: Came from inside. PRIVATE GRAY: Could just be the machinery. The thudding continues. PRIVATE HARRIS: Is there someone in there? Hello?... We've got to get this open. PRIVATE GRAY: We should wait for the others! PRIVATE HARRIS: You could suffocate in there! PRIVATE GRAY (over the walkie-talkie): Greyhound 16 to Trap One, request immediate assistance. Repeat, immediate assistance, over. PRIVATE HARRIS: How do you work this thing? Come on! An alarm goes off as the lid is lifted. Inside the basin, there's green liquid bubbling and fuming. The soldiers cough. PRIVATE GRAY: Oh, God, it stinks! PRIVATE HARRIS: What the hell is that stuff? Suddenly, a body emerges and tries to grab Harris. He falls back and the thing turns toward Gray. It resembles a half-formed clay figure. PRIVATE GRAY (panicking): Identify yourself! Identify! (Over the walkie-talkie) Greyhound 16 declaring absolute emergency, sir. Repeat, absolute emergency, over! PRIVATE HARRIS (to the figure): Can you hear me? Can you understand me? Look at its neck. It's like... an umbilical cord. PRIVATE GRAY: Well, don't get too close. PRIVATE HARRIS: I think it's harmless. I don't even think it's properly alive. It dives back into the liquid. PRIVATE GRAY: It's gonna drown. PRIVATE HARRIS: No... I think it breathes this stuff. Like some kind of embryo. PRIVATE GRAY: What d'you mean, an embryo? PRIVATE HARRIS: Someone's growing a body. A human body. A Sontaran appears. The soldiers take aim at him immediately. GENERAL STAAL (to Harris): Excellent skills of deduction. I would rate you above average, soldier. Well done. (To Gray) Whereas you, you smell of sweat and fear. PRIVATE HARRIS: Yeah? Well we're not the ones who got out of school early, sonny. Now stop playing Humpty Dumpty and tell us who you are. GENERAL STAAL: Is that a reference to my height? PRIVATE HARRIS: Short answer, yes. GENERAL STAAL: A pity. Words are the weapons of womenfolk. I must judge you unfit! PRIVATE HARRIS: Oh! What you gonna do, bite our ankles? The Sontaran lifts up his staff-like weapon and fires a beam to his knee. Harris falls to the ground. PRIVATE GRAY: I'm warning you! GENERAL STAAL: A proper soldier gives no warning! Fire! I order you! Fire! Gray pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. GENERAL STAAL: The room is contained within a Cordolaine signal, exciting the copper surface of the bullet and causing expansion within the barrel, rendering your guns useless. And your radio signals have been blocked. Gray tries to attack the Sontaran using the gun as a club, but Staal easily stops him, stunning his leg too. PRIVATE GRAY: My legs! I can't feel my legs! GENERAL STAAL: I apologise for disabling you. Death has more honour, but you are needed for the stratagem. (To the two workers) Prepare them for processing. (To the soldiers) You spoke of promotion. Now you will serve a greater cause. PRIVATE HARRIS: But... who are you? GENERAL STAAL: Indeed, know your enemy! I am General Staal of the Tenth Sontaran Battle Fleet. Known as Staal the Undefeated! He takes off his helmet, revealing an alien head below. PRIVATE GRAY: Help us! Oh, my God, help us! DOCTOR: Ionising nano membrane carbon dioxide converter, which means that ATMOS works. Filters the CO2 at a molecular level. COLONEL MACE: We know all that, but what's its origin? Is it alien? DOCTOR: No. Decades ahead of its time. (They both bend over the ATMOS device). Look, d'you mind, could you stand back a bit? COLONEL MACE: Sorry, have I done something wrong? DOCTOR: You're carrying a gun. I don't like people with guns hanging around me, all right? COLONEL MACE: If you insist. He leaves, offended. MARTHA: Tetchy. DOCTOR: Well, it's true. MARTHA: He's a good man! DOCTOR: People with guns are usually the enemy in my books. You seem quite at home. MARTHA: If anyone got me used to fight it's you. DOCTOR: Oh, right, so it's my fault. MARTHA: Well, you got me the job! Besides, look at me. Am I carrying a gun? DOCTOR: Suppose not. MARTHA: It's all right for you. You can just come and go, but some of us have got to stay behind. So I've got to work from the inside and by staying inside, maybe I stand a chance of making them better. DOCTOR: Yeah? (He smiles) That's more like Martha Jones. MARTHA: I learned from the best. DOCTOR: Well... Donna appears in the door. DONNA: Oi, you lot! All your storm troopers and your sonics... You're rubbish! Should've come with me. DOCTOR: Why, where have you been? DONNA: Personnel. That's where the weird stuff's happening, in the paperwork. Cos I spent years working as a temp, I can find my way round an office blindfold, and the first thing I noticed is an empty file. DOCTOR: Why, what's inside it? Or what's not inside it? DONNA: Sick days. There aren't any. Hundreds of people working here and no one's sick. Not one hangover, man flu, sneaky little shopping trip, nothing. Not ever! They don't get ill. COLONEL MACE: That can't be right. DONNA: You've been checking out the building, should've been checking out the workforce. MARTHA: I can see why he likes you. DONNA: Mm-hmm. MARTHA: You are good. DONNA: Super temp! COLONEL MACE: Doctor Jones, set up a medical post, start examining the workers. I'll get them sent through. He walks off. MARTHA: Come on, Donna. Give me a hand. They leave. The Doctor runs after Colonel Mace. They walk along a corridor. DOCTOR: So this, this ATMOS thing. Where did it come from? COLONEL MACE: Luke Rattigan himself. DOCTOR: And 'himself ' would be? They look at Luke Rattigan's profile on a computer. COLONEL MACE: Child genius. Invented the Fountain 6 search engine when he was 12 years old. Millionaire overnight. Now runs the Rattigan Academy. A private school, educating students, handpicked from all over the world. DOCTOR: A hothouse for geniuses, wouldn't mind going there. Colonel Mace looks puzzled. DOCTOR: I get lonely. Martha is at a desk looking through binders. Donna picks up a chair and sets it down next to her. DONNA: D'you think I should warn my mum? About the ATMOS in her car? MARTHA: Better safe then sorry. DONNA: I'll give her a call. MARTHA: Donna. Do they know where you are? Your family. I mean that you're travelling with the Doctor? DONNA: Not really. Although... My granddad sorta waved us off. I didn't have time to explain. MARTHA: You just left him behind? DONNA: Yeah. MARTHA: I didn't tell my family, kept it all so secret. And it almost destroyed them. DONNA: In what way? MARTHA: They ended up imprisoned. They were tortured. My mom. My dad. My sister. It wasn't the Doctor's fault, but... you need to be careful. Cos you know the Doctor. He's wonderful. He's brilliant. But he's like fire. Stand too close and people get burnt. Private Gray and Private Harris walk out off the clone lab and stand to the side of the doorway. General Staal walks out. GENERAL STAAL: Conditioning is complete. Now do your duty and advance the conquest. PRIVATES: Yes sir. They march away. General Staal walks back into the lab. GENERAL STAAL: General Staal returning. The stratagem advances. He walks in to a short tunnel-like machine and taps something on a keyboard. GENERAL STAAL: The last days of planet Earth. He teleports. The Doctor is walking with Colonel Mace. DOCTOR: You are not coming with me! I want to talk to this Luke Rattigan, not point a gun at him. COLONEL MACE: It's ten miles outside London. How are you going to get there? DOCTOR: Well, then get me a jeep! COLONEL MACE: According to the records you travel by TARDIS. DOCTOR: Yes, but if there is a danger of hostile aliens I think it's best to keep a super-duper time machine away from the front lines. COLONEL MACE: I see. So you do have weapons, but choose to keep them hidden. Jenkins! ROSS JENKINS: Sir! COLONEL MACE: You will accompany the Doctor and take orders from him. DOCTOR: Yeah, I don't do orders. COLONEL MACE: Any sign of trouble, get Jenkins to declare a Code Red. And good luck, sir. He salutes. DOCTOR: I said no salutes. COLONEL MACE: Now you're giving orders. DOCTOR: Oh, you're getting a bit cheeky, you are. As Colonel Mace walks away Donna appears. DONNA: Doctor... DOCTOR: Oh, just in time! Come on! Come on, we're going to the country. Fresh air and geniuses, what more could you ask? DONNA I'm not coming with you. The Doctor stares at her. DONNA: I've been thinking. I'm sorry, I'm going home. DOCTOR: Really? DONNA: I've got to. DOCTOR (disappointed): Well, if that's what you want. I mean it's a bit soon... I had so many places I had wanted to take you. The Fifteenth Broken Moon of the Medusa Cascade, the Lightning Skies of Cotter Palluni's World, Diamond Coral Reefs of Kataa Flo Ko... Thank you. Thank you, Donna Noble, it's been brilliant. You've... you've saved my life in so many ways. You're... (comprehension dawning on his face) You're just popping home for a visit, that's what you mean. DONNA: You dumbo! DOCTOR: And then you're coming back. DONNA: Know what you are? A great big outer-space dunce. DOCTOR: Yeah. ROSS: Ready when you are, sir. DONNA: What's more you can give me a lift. Come on! They climb in to the Jeep. DONNA: Broken moon of what? DOCTOR: I know, I know. They drive away. Private Gray and Private Harris watch them go. In a small room, Martha is doing a health check on an ATMOS worker. MARTHA: And your name's Trepor, yeah? Is that polish? Listen, we're not checking passports, it's not about that, but did you come across from Poland just to work? MR TREPOR: I came to do my job. MARTHA: OK. I need to listen to your heartbeat. This might be a bit cold. She rubs a stethoscope. MARTHA: Lift. He lifts his shirt. Martha places the stethoscope on his chest and hears an extremely fast beat. She looks at Mr Trepor and double checks it. MARTHA: Are you on any medication? MR TREPOR: I'm here to work. MARTHA: How many hours a day do you work? MR TREPOR: 24. MARTHA: You work 24 hours a day? Down. He pulls down his shirt. MARTHA: Mr Trepor, have you ever had any form of hypnosis? MR TREPOR: I'm here to work. MARTHA (worried): OK. Um, if you could just wait here. She walks out to a corridor. Private Harris and Private Grey follow her. PRIVATE HARRIS: Doctor Jones. MARTHA: Not now, I'm busy. PRIVATE HARRIS: Just one question. Do you have security clearance level one? MARTHA: Yes, I do. Why? PRIVATE HARRIS: Colonel Mace wants to see you. MARTHA: Oh good, cos I want to see him. Where is he? PRIVATE HARRIS: Come with us. The UNIT jeep pulls into a quiet road and the Doctor and Donna clamber out. DONNA: I'll walk the rest of the way. I'll see you back at the factory, yeah? The Doctor jumps back into the jeep. DOCTOR: Bye! DONNA: And you be careful! The jeep pulls away leaving Donna on her own. She walks slowly down her street as if she can't believe she's home. A woman walks past her. WOMAN: Haven't seen you for days. DONNA: Yeah... been away. She continues walking, past a boy playing football, and relives her recent adventures with the Doctor in her mind. Flashes of her hanging from the window cleaning platform, the Pyrovile, trying to save a little boy from the eruption of Vesuvius, crying through the bars of the Ood cage, and an Adipose baby floating up to join its family all flicker past. Her house then comes into view. Wilf is in the driveway, taking out some rubbish. Both he and Donna stop dead as they catch sight of each other. Donna places a hand to her mouth, overwhelmed by emotion, as Wilf frantically beckons her over. She begins to run and they meet in a giant embrace. Martha, Private Harris, and Private Gray walk down a corridor. MARTHA: What's he doing down here? GREY: He asked to see you. MARTHA: Why? Has he found something? Grey and Harris do not answer. They open a door at the end of the corridor, and Martha walks inside. She looks around in puzzlement and catches sight of the bubbling, green liquid in the basin. Suddenly becoming panicked, she turns around and tries to run out of the room. Harris and Grey stand in the way, stopping her from exiting. The doors to the room slam shut, leaving Martha trapped inside. Her screams echo down the corridor, as all the lights flicker off. Wilf and Donna are sat at the kitchen table. WILF: I said so, didn't I? Aliens. I said they were real! I just didn't expect them in a little blue box. DONNA: It's bigger on the inside. WILF: Yeah but is it safe? This... Doctor, are you safe with him? DONNA: He's amazing, Gramps. He's just... dazzling. And never tell him I said that. WILF: No. DONNA: But I'd trust him with my life. WILF: Hold up, I thought that was my job! DONNA: You still come first. WILF: Well, for god's sake don't tell your mother! DONNA: I dunno... I mean this is massive. Sort of not fair if she doesn't know. Sylvia enters from the garden carrying laundry. SYLVIA: Doesn't know what? And who's she, the cat's mother? And where've you been these past few days, lady, after that silly little trick with the car keys? I phoned Veena and she said she hadn't seen hide nor hair. DONNA: I've just been... travelling. SYLVIA: Oh, hark at her! Michael Palin! Are you staying for tea? Cos I haven't got anything in. I've been trying to keep your granddad on that macrobiotic diet, but he sneaks off and gets pork pies at the petrol station. Wilf tries to protest. SYLVIA: Don't deny it, I've seen the wrappers in the car. Oh, I don't miss a trick. Now then, what were you gonna tell me? What don't I know? Donna catches Wilf's eye, and he gives her a measured look. DONNA: Nothing. Just... nothing. Wilf slyly beams at her. SYLVIA: Good. Right, then you can sit there and cut out those coupons. Every penny helps. This new mortgage doesn't pay for itself. Dad, kettle on. WILF (rising from the table): Yeah, kettle. He winks at Donna as he walks past. Ross and the Doctor drive down a small road. ROSS: UNIT's been watching Rattigan Academy for ages. It's all a bit Hitler Youth: exercise at dawn and classes and special diets. SAT-NAV: Turn left. DOCTOR: Ross, one question. If UNIT think that ATMOS is dodgy... ROSS: How come we've got it in the jeeps? Yeah, tell me about it. They're fitted as standard on all government vehicles. We can't get rid of them until we prove something's wrong. SAT-NAV: Turn right. ROSS: Drives me around the bend. DOCTOR (noticing they are actually driving around a bend): Oh, nice one! ROSS: Timed that perfectly! DOCTOR: Yeah! Yeah, you did! SAT-NAV: This is you final destination. We see that they have arrived at Rattigan Academy. Luke Rattigan is standing in the middle of the grounds as the students jog past. The Doctor and Ross approach. DOCTOR: Is it PE? I wouldn't mind a kick around, I've got my chaps on. LUKE: I suppose you're the Doctor? DOCTOR: Hello! LUKE: Your commanding officer phoned ahead. DOCTOR: Ah, but I haven't got a commanding officer. Have you? (Luke stares darkly at him). Oh, this is Ross. Say hello, Ross. ROSS: Afternoon, sir. The Doctor rushes off towards the entrance. DOCTOR: Let's have a look then, I can smell genius! ... In a good way. Luke rolls his eyes behind the Doctor's back as he follows them in to a room full of students performing experiments. DOCTOR: Oh, now! That's clever, look! (He puts on his glasses and peers at a device). Single molecule fabric, how thin is that?! You could pack a tent in a thimble. Oh! Gravity simulators! (He begins rushing around in excitement). Terraforming, biospheres, nano-tech steel constructs! Haha! This is brilliant! Do you know, with equipment like this you could... oh, I don't know, move to another planet or something? LUKE: If only that was possible. DOCTOR: If only that were possible. (He takes off his glasses as Luke looks darkly up at him). Conditional clause. Luke looks as though he is about to hit the Doctor, but restrains himself. LUKE: I think you better come with me. He walks off and the Doctor and Ross follow. They arrive in a large room with a strange device in the corner - a teleport pod like the one in the cloning lab. LUKE: You're smarter than the usual UNIT grunts, I'll give you that. DOCTOR (to Ross): He called you a grunt! Don't call Ross a grunt, he's nice! We like Ross! Look at this place... He wanders off. LUKE (exasperated): What exactly do you want? DOCTOR: I was just thinking, what a responsible eighteen year old. Inventing zero carbon cars? Saving the world... LUKE: Takes a man with vision. DOCTOR: Mmmm, blinking vision. Cos ATMOS means more people driving, more cars, more petrol, end result: the oil's gonna run out faster than ever. The ATMOS system could make things worse. LUKE (quickly): Yeah, see, that's a tautology. You can't say "ATMOS system" since it stands for "atmospheric emissions system". So you're just saying "atmospheric emissions system system" d'you see, Mr Conditional Clause? DOCTOR: It's been a long time since anyone said no to you, isn't it? LUKE: I'm still right though. DOCTOR: Not easy, is it? Being clever. You look at the world and you connect things. Random things. And think: why can't anyone else see it? The rest of the world is so slow. LUKE: Yeah. DOCTOR: And you're all on your own. LUKE: I know. DOCTOR: But not with this! (He pulls out the ATMOS devise). Cos there's no way you invented this thing single handed. I mean, it might be Earth technology, but that's like finding a mobile phone in the middle ages. (He chucks the device at Ross, who catches it). No, no, I'll tell you what it's like! It's like finding this in the middle of someones front room. (He points behind him to the teleport pod). Albeit it's a very big front room. ROSS: And what is it? DOCTOR: Yeah, just looks like a thing, doesn't it? People don't question things, they just say: Oh, it's a thing. LUKE: Leave it alone! DOCTOR (walking into the pod): Me, I make these connections. And this, to me, looks like (he presses a button on the side of the pod) a teleport pod. The Doctor disappears from Rattigan Academy and reappears in a large futuristic spaceship. It is lit with dim, purple lighting and there are Sontarans milling around. COMPUTER VOICE: Orbit now holding at 555.3, sector 270. DOCTOR: Oh... The Sontarans all turn to notice him, and General Staal raises his staff. GENERAL STAAL: We have an intruder! DOCTOR: How did he get in? In-tru-da window? The Sontarans begin to charge towards the Doctor. DOCTOR: Bye bye! He presses the control pad again, and begins to run just as he teleports away. He appears back at Rattigan Academy, still running. DOCTOR: Ross, get out! Luke, you've got to come with me! He spins round, just as General Staal appears. Grabbing his sonic screwdriver, the Doctor disables the teleport pod. DOCTOR: Sontaran! (Staal raises his staff). Thats your name, isn't it? You're a Sontaran. How did I know that, ay? Fascinating isn't it? Isn't that worth keeping me alive? ROSS (taking aim at Staal): I order you to surrender in the name of the Unified Intelligence Taskforce. DOCTOR: Well that's not going to work. Cordolaine signal, am I right? Copper excitation stopping the bullets. GENERAL STAAL: How do you know so much? DOCTOR: Well... GENERAL STAAL (talking to Luke): Who is he? LUKE: He didn't give his name. DOCTOR: But this isn't typical Sontaran behavior, is it? Hiding! Using teenagers, stopping bullets? (Mockingly) A Sontaran should face bullets with dignity! Shame on you! GENERAL STAAL: You dishonour me, sir! DOCTOR: Yeah, then show yourself! GENERAL STAAL: I will look into my enemy's eyes! He removes his helmet revealing his Sontaran head underneath. ROSS: Oh, my god... DOCTOR: And your name? GENERAL STAAL: General Staal, of the Tenth Sontaran Fleet. Staal the Undefeated! DOCTOR: Well, that's not a very good nickname. What if you do get defeated? Staal the Not-Quite-So-Undefeated-Anymore-But-Never-Mind? ROSS: He's like a potato, a baked potato, a talking baked potato. DOCTOR: Now, Ross, don't be rude, you look like a pink weasel to him. (He goes and picks up a racket and begins bouncing a small ball upon it). The Sontarans are the finest soldiers in the galaxy, dedicated to a life of warfare. A clone race, grown in batches of millions with only one weakness... GENERAL STAAL: Sontarans have no weakness! DOCTOR: No, it's a good weakness! LUKE: Aren't you meant to be clever? Only an idiot would provoke him. DOCTOR: No, but the Sontarans are fed by a probic vent in the back of their neck, that's their weak spot. Which means, they always have to face their enemies in battle... isn't that brilliant? They can never turn their backs! GENERAL STAAL: We stare into the face of death! DOCTOR: Yeah? Well, stare at this! He throws the ball into the air and hits it with the racket. The ball flies past General Staal and hits the back of the teleport pod. It bounces back and smacks into Staal's probic vent. The Doctor and Ross run. General Staal collapses onto the floor and Luke rushes over to him. LUKE: What has he done? What has he done?! The Doctor and Ross run down the Academy steps and jump into the jeep, speeding away as fast as they can. GENERAL STAAL: Don't touch me! (He struggles up). A Sontaran would rather be court marshalled than show pain. I must return. LUKE: But he broke the teleport. GENERAL STAAL: Pah! Primitive sonic trickery! (He points his staff at the pod, there is a whirring noise). The devise is now repaired. Staal and Luke enter the pod and teleport back to the Sontaran ship. GENERAL STAAL: Our presence is known! Soldiers! We move to a war footing! COMMANDER SKORR: I see you face battle open skinned, sir. Might I share that honour? GENERAL STAAL: You may. COMMANDER SKORR: Thank you! He removes his helmet and Luke stares at them both. LUKE: How... do you tell each other apart? GENERAL STAAL: We say the same of humans. COMMANDER SKORR: Tell me, boy. How many ATMOS devices have been installed? LUKE: Uh, they've gone worldwide but only about half. GENERAL STAAL: Which means four hundred million cars converted! A fine arsenal! COMMANDER SKORR: Is it sufficient to trigger the conversion? LUKE: More than enough, yeah. And the test signal proved that it works! Fifty-two deaths in the same second, man, that is just so cool! GENERAL STAAL: Is the temperature significant? LUKE (after a pause): No... that, that's just a phrase... But I'll get my people ready, General. You just tell me where and when! GENERAL STAAL: Have we infiltrated UNIT? COMMANDER SKORR: The process is about to begin. GENERAL STAAL: Then you'll see it completed, Commander Skorr. Get to it! COMMANDER SKORR: Yes, sir! Skorr walks to the controls and teleports away. Martha is secured to a metal platform. She has a strange device clamped over her head. MARTHA: Is someone gonna tell me what the hell is going on?! Her face falls as Skorr walks in front of her. MARTHA: Oh... kay... So, listen! You're not the first aliens I've met. Just tell me who you are. COMMANDER SKORR: Commander Skorr of the Tenth Sontaran Battle Fleet. Known as Skorr the Bloodbringer! MARTHA (indicating with her head Harris and Grey): What have you done to those two? COMMANDER SKORR: Simple hypnotic control, as with the factory drones. But with you... we need something more complex. He turns a switch on the basin and the green liquid begins to bubble again. Martha looks on in horror as a hand rises from the liquid. MARTHA: What... is that?! COMMANDER SKORR: Soon, that will be you! The hand sinks back out of sight. On the Sontaran ship, Luke stares out the window at the Earth below. Staal talks to some Sontaran soldiers behind. GENERAL STAAL: Continue. (He joins Luke). War can never come to soon. Take your last look, boy. LUKE: It was never big enough for me. GENERAL STAAL: I like your ambition. LUKE: That doctor, he was in a UNIT jeep, should have ATMOS installed. GENERAL STAAL (abruptly): You said you didn't know his name! LUKE: I don't. He just said "doctor". Does that mean something? GENERAL STAAL: There is an enemy of the Sontarans known as the Doctor. A face-changer. LUKE: Do you mean he's an alien too? GENERAL STAAL: Legend says that he led the battle in the last great Time War. (Bitterly) The finest war in history and we weren't allowed to be a part of it! Oh, but this is excellent! The last of the Time Lords will die, at the hands of the Sontaran empire, in the ruins of his precious Earth! The camera pans out to show a giant Sontaran ship hanging about Earth. Martha tries to free herself from her bonds as Skorr fiddles with the basin. COMMANDER SKORR: It is inadvisable to struggle. The female has a weak thorax. MARTHA: But what are you doing? COMMANDER SKORR: Completing mental transfer. The clone needs full memory access. MARTHA: Clone? The hand once again rises from the basin. Martha gasps as a perfect clone of herself rises from the green liquid. MARTHA: You can't... The clone reaches behind its neck and pulls out the umbilical chord that it's attached to. MARTHA: That's not... COMMANDER SKORR: You will sleep, girl. Sleep and keep the memories alive... Memories we can use, in battle. Martha's eyes slowly close as she falls into a hypnotic sleep. SONTARAN: We have the Doctor's vehicle. GENERAL STAAL: An ordinary death for such a remarkable enemy... but proceed. The UNIT jeep speeds along the road. DOCTOR: Greyhound 40 to Trap 1, repeat, can you hear me? Over. ROSS: Why's it not working? DOCTOR: Must be the Sontarans. If they can trace that, then they can isolate the ATMOS. SAT-NAV: Turn left. DOCTOR: Try going right! ROSS: It said left. DOCTOR: I know! So go right! The jeep swerves. ROSS: I've got no control, it's driving itself! It won't stop! The Doctor pulls out his sonic screwdriver and tries to fiddle with the ATMOS. ROSS: The doors are locked! DOCTOR: Ah, it's deadlocked, I can't stop it! SAT-NAV: Turn left. The jeep jolts and swerves left. DOCTOR: The sat-nav's just a box, wired through the whole car! LUKE (on the Sontaran ship): Oh, is he going in the water? I love it, with the water! The jeep swerves off the road. ROSS: We're heading for the river! DOCTOR: ATMOS, you're programmed to contradict my orders? SAT-NAV: Confirmed. DOCTOR: Anything I say, you'd ignore it? SAT-NAV: Confirmed. DOCTOR: Then drive into the river! I order you to drive into the river! Do it! Drive into the river! The jeep speeds towards the water, but suddenly skids to a halt a few inches from the edge of the river. The Doctor and Ross leap out and begin to run. SAT-NAV: Turn right... left... right... left... DOCTOR: Get down! He and Ross throw themselves onto the floor. SAT-NAV: Left, right, left, right, left, left, right, left, right... The sat-nav emits a small bang that lets off a shower of sparks. The Doctor looks up from his sprawled out position on the floor. DOCTOR: Oh, was that it? SONTARAN: ATMOS terminated. Mission accomplished. The Doctor is dead. GENERAL STAAL: Then prepare the weapons. Is the operative in place? Cut shot to the unconscious Martha. Commander Skorr leans over, checking the equipment that she is attached to. He then walks over to stand in front of the clone, now wearing Martha's clothes. MARTHA CLONE: Ready and waiting to advance the great Sontaran cause, sir. COMMANDER SKORR: Then go to work. She turns and, followed by Harris and Grey, leaves the room. At Donna's house, the Doctor rings the bell and Donna answers the door. DOCTOR: You would not believe the day I'm having. The Doctor walks around the Nobles' car, bending down to check the ATMOS attached underneath. Ross and Donna stand nearby, Donna trying to ring Martha. The Doctor opens the hood and peers inside. ROSS: I'll requisition us a vehicle. DOCTOR: Anything without ATMOS. Don't point your gun at people! Ross runs off just as Wilf appears from the house. WILF: Is it him? Is it him? Is it the Doctor? He runs round the car and catches sight of the Doctor. WILF: Ah! It's you ! DOCTOR: Who? He looks up and sees Wilf pointing at him. DOCTOR: Oh! It's you! DONNA: What, have you met before?! WILF: Yeah, Christmas Eve. He disappeared right in front of me! DONNA: And you never said?! WILF: Well you never said! Wilf, sir. Wilfred Mott. You must be one of them aliens?! DOCTOR: Well, yeah, but don't shout it out. (He shakes Wilf's hand). Nice to meet you properly, Wilf. WILF: Oh, an alien hand...! DOCTOR: Donna, anything? DONNA: She's not answering. What is it, Sontorans? DOCTOR: Sontarans. But there's got to be more to it, they can't be just remote controlling cars. That's not enough. Is anyone answering? DONNA: Hold on. MARTHA CLONE (on the phone): Don't tell me... Donna Noble. DONNA: Martha! Hold on, he's here. She gives the phone to the Doctor. DOCTOR: Martha, tell Colonel Mace it's the Sontarans. They're in the file, Code Red, Sontarans. But if they're inside the factory tell them not to start shooting. UNIT will get massacred. I'll get back as soon as I can, you got that? MARTHA CLONE: Code Red Sontaran. Gotcha. She hangs up the phone as Colonel Mace appears round the corner. COLONEL MACE: Doctor Jones! Found anything yet? MARTHA CLONE: No sir, nothing to report. Colonel Mace turns away and the Martha clone smiles to herself as she walks away. The Doctor has his sonic screwdriver out and is fiddling with the car engine, and the ATMOS that is attached. DONNA: But you tried sonicking it before, you didn't find anything. DOCTOR: Yeah, but now I know it's Sontaran, I know what I'm looking for. WILF: The thing is, Doctor, is that Donna is my only grandchild. You gotta promise me you're gonna take care of her. DOCTOR: She takes care of me! WILF: Oh, yeah that's my Donna. Yeah, she was always bossing us around when she was tiny. The Little General we used to call her. DONNA: Yeah, don't start. WILF: And some of the boys she used to turn up with, a different one every week! Yeah, who was that one with the nail varnish? DONNA: Matthew Richards. He lives in Kilbourn now. With a man. Large spikes suddenly shoot up from the ATMOS device. DOCTOR: Woah! It's a temporal pocket! I knew there was something else in there. It's hidden just a second out of sync with real time. DONNA: But what's it hiding? SYLVIA (appearing round the car): I don't know, men and their cars! Sometimes I think if I was a car... (She catches sight of the Doctor). Oh, it's you! Doctor... what was it? DOCTOR (waving, his head buried under the bonnet): Yeah, that's me. WILF: What, have you met him as well? SYLVIA: Dad! It's the man from the wedding! When you were laid up with Spanish flu! I'm warning you, last time that man turned up it was a disaster! The spikes from the ATMOS device suddenly let off a cloud of white gas. DOCTOR: Get back! COMMANDER SKORR: A converter has been activated! GENERAL STAAL: Show me where! A projected image of the Earth appears, and zooms in to England, and then to London. LUKE: London... that's Chiswick. SONTARAN: Who could have such knowledge? GENERAL STAAL: Only the Doctor! He survived! Excellent! Then battle will be joined, glorious warfare! Tenth Sontaran Battle Fleet, we move to the final phase. Prepare the subjugation of Earth, for the glory of Sontar! The Sontarans begin marching in lines, guns in hands and battle helmets on. COMPUTER VOICE: Announcing Battle Status One. All soldiers to positions. Repeat, we are now at Battle Status One. Rejoice! The Noble's car gives another spurt of gas and sparks. DOCTOR: That'll stop it! The sonic screwdriver finishes whirring as the smoke dies away. The Doctor then rushes back to peer under the hood again. SYLVIA: I told you! He's blown up the car! Who is he anyway?! What sort of doctor blows up cars?! DONNA: Oh, not now Mum! SYLVIA: Oh, should I make an appointment? She stalks off back towards the house. DOCTOR: That wasn't just exhaust fumes... Some sort of gas. Artificial gas. WILF: And it's aliens, is it? Aliens? DONNA: But if... if it's poisonous... then we've got poisonous gas in every car on Earth. GENERAL STAAL: Free up the converters, and deadlock every single one! WILF (climbing into the car): It's not safe! I'm gonna get it off the street! The car doors suddenly slam shut and the locks all click into place. The car turns on and smoke begins to pour from the exhaust pipe. DONNA: Hold on! (She rushes to the car). Turn it off! Granddad, get out of there! WILF: I can't! It's not locked! It's them aliens again! Donna pulls at the car door, growing more frantic as fumes begin to seep into the car. Sylvia stops outside the front door and turns back in horror. SYLVIA: What's he doing? What's he done? DOCTOR: They've activated it! Shots of people in car parks and on the street coughing and choking as every car begins letting off the thick, white gas. At the ATMOS factory, Colonel Mace and some soldiers run outside, also coughing in the gas. COLONEL MACE: Turn them off! Turn them off! Turn off the engines! SOLDIER: It's all of them, sir. Every single car on the planet! The Martha clone, Harris and Grey walk casually down the slope and survey the confusion around them. MARTHA CLONE: Now we begin... Let's get to work. Donna frantically pulls at the car door again as Wilf gasps and chokes. DONNA: There's gas inside the car! He's gonna choke! Doctor! The Doctor rushes round and tries to sonic open the door, to no avail. DOCTOR: It won't open! He turns and looks at the street around, every car spitting the poisonous fumes into the atmosphere. DOCTOR: It's the whole world... He rushes back to the car's engine as the Sontaran ship descends even closer to the Earth. GENERAL STAAL: Four hundred million weapons! (He starts to chant) Sontar-ha! Sontar-ha! Sontar-ha! Other Sontaran pick up the chant and it grows louder and louder. Luke, too, begins chanting and beating his hands in the war ritual. Back on Earth Wilf is dying from the fumes that fill the car. The Doctor runs between the engine and the door, trying to stop the gas and free Wilf at the same time. WILF: Get me out of here! Sylvia rushes into the house, just as Wilf collapses inside the car. As the Sontaran chant continues, the Doctor stands in the middle of the street, powerless to stop the world from being consumed in the fumes.

Plan: A: Martha Jones; Q: Who calls the Doctor for assistance? A: an investigation; Q: What is UNIT conducting? A: TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's time machine? A: an ATMOS factory; Q: What does Martha authorise the raid of? A: a satellite navigation system; Q: What is ATMOS marketing? A: young prodigy Luke Rattigan; Q: Who developed the ATMOS system? A: carbon dioxide emissions; Q: What does the ATMOS system reduce to zero? A: the Doctor's help; Q: Who did UNIT request help from? A: concerned about 52 early simultaneous deaths; Q: What is UNIT concerned about? A: Rattigan's private school; Q: Where does the Doctor investigate the ATMOS system? A: an alien warrior race; Q: What is the Sontarans? A: Sontarans; Q: What alien race is behind the ATMOS plot? A: Donna; Q: Who returns home to her mother and grandfather? A: a poisonous gas; Q: What does the ATMOS device emit? A: the car; Q: What does Wilfred try to take off the road? A: all 400 million ATMOS devices; Q: How many ATMOS devices are installed in cars worldwide? A: battle; Q: What are the Sontarans preparing for? Summary: Martha Jones calls the Doctor for assistance during an investigation by UNIT . Minutes after the TARDIS materialises, Martha authorises the raid of an ATMOS factory. ATMOS is marketing a satellite navigation system developed by young prodigy Luke Rattigan . The system also reduces carbon dioxide emissions to zero; UNIT requested the Doctor's help because the technology may be alien, and they are also concerned about 52 early simultaneous deaths that occurred spontaneously. The Doctor investigates the system at Rattigan's private school and discovers a plot by an alien warrior race known as the Sontarans . Instead of an outright invasion, they are taking control with a combination of human clones, mind control, and ATMOS; Martha is captured and cloned to provide a mole within UNIT. Donna returns home to her mother Sylvia and grandfather Wilfred . The Doctor investigates the ATMOS devices and discovers it can emit a poisonous gas. Wilfred attempts to take the car off the road, but is trapped when all 400 million ATMOS devices installed in cars worldwide are activated. The Doctor stares helplessly at a street full of cars emitting the gas, while the Sontarans prepare themselves for battle.

MUSIC IN: INT. SURVEILLANCE ROOM MAN: Never get tired of this sight. MAN 2: Ah, you and me both. MAN: Where's number three? McMannis? We have a loose one. CUT TO: INT. DORMITORY NAT VANCE: I can't take much more of this! HANNAH: It's driving us crazy! NAT VANCE: Where's Taylor? HANNAH: Maybe she got lucky escaped. NAT VANCE: They're coming. MCMANNIS: Oh, my God! Tell me you did not just wave at me, Vance?! You call yourself a supermodel? Right now the only thing you are super at is looking like an idiot on TV! I count two of you. Where is little princess number three? HANNAH: Oh, my God. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE TURNS OVER THE BODY) (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/ SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) FADE IN: INT. AUTOPSY - "MODEL BEHAVIOUR" SUMNER: The next award to be presented is the Meritorious Civilian Service Medal. SHEPARD: Would Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs please step forward. ZIVA: She went with the elf cut? TONY: It's called the "pixie." DUCKY: I think she looks terrific. ZIVA: Where's Gibbs? DUCKY: All the years I've known him, he's never once turned up for an awards ceremony. ZIVA: Even if he's the one receiving, Ducky? DUCKY: Especially if he's the one receiving it. SUMNER: Special Agent Gibbs? ABBY: Told you he wouldn't show. Pay up. MCGEE: You got change for a 20? ABBY: No. TONY: Nice haircut. SHEPARD: Whe the hell is he, DiNozzo? TONY: He's working on a case. SHEPARD: What case? TONY: The one that's preventing him from being here. I'll take that for him, though. SUMNER: Accepting for Special Agent Gibbs Is Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. She's pretty. I'd like to think I'm the Michael Douglas to his Karl Malden on the streets of D.C... Thank you. SHEPARD: And thank you, everybody. That concludes our awards ceremony. TONY: Gibbs...Gibbs thanks you...thank you. Is this on? I have a speech. I didn't... I wrote a whole... whole thing. CUT TO: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE SHEPARD: Gibbs... where are you? GIBBS: I'm right behind you. SHEPARD: I really hate it when you do that. Tony has your award. GIBBS: He can keep it. SHEPARD: Some things never change, do they, Jethro? GIBBS: Depends on your definition of change. SHEPARD: My definition... I expect you to be there the next time I'm handing you an award. GIBBS: DiNozzo didn't tell you? I'm working a case. SHEPARD: Oh, alone in my office? GIBBS: It's high-profile, Jen. I thought you'd want to hear about it before it hits the news. SHEPARD: I'm listening. GIBBS: Well, there's a dead celebrity at Quantico. SHEPARD: Who? GIBBS: Some woman named Taylor Shane. SHEPARD: The supermodel? GIBBS: Found her hanging from an OCS security fence this morning. SHEPARD: Then why aren't you there? GIBBS: I just got the call five minutes ago. SHEPARD: Oh, and the awards ceremony started 30 minutes ago. GIBBS: Well, you know me I like to get a head start on things. I'll keep you informed. SHEPARD: Jethro, the press is going to be all over this one. I'd appreciate it if you could go easy on them. GIBBS: Telling me how to do my job, Director? SHEPARD: No, just reiterating your previous point. GIBBS: Which was? SHEPARD: I know you. CUT TO: EXT. QUANTICO - DAY GIBBS: Break out the gear. ZIVA: Boot Camp Babes is a real TV show? TONY: Reality TV at its finest. Three hot, rich babes learning what's truly important in life. ZIVA: Defending their country. TONY: No, firing machine guns while wearing bikinis. MCGEE: I think I like your reason better, Ziva. ZIVA: Your Marine Corps would actually allow these models to serve? TONY: Well, they're not joining for real. MCGEE: It's a stunt. Kind of like The Simple Life. ZIVA: The Simple Life? MCGEE: Yeah, that show about Paris Hilton? ZIVA: I never heard of it. But I've been there a few times. TONY: I wouldn't mind spending a night there myself. ZIVA: Oh, you have no idea. I often dream about it. TONY: Really? ZIVA: What? TONY: Just trying to picture Paris and you together. ZIVA: Don't get your hopes up. I'm not attracted to blondes. MCGEE: Whoa. This is bad. TONY: Gibbs is going to go completely and utterly ape... REPORTERS: What happened to the girl? What are you hiding? GIBBS: I just got here. Like I said, I just got here. REPORTERS: What condition was her body found in? GIBBS: I just got here. I haven't even had a chance... CINDY SANCHEZ: What about the other girls? How are the other girls handling it? How are they handling it...? GIBBS: Okay, that's it. Interview's over. CINDY SANCHEZ: I'm sorry. It was an accident. GIBBS: I don't care. Sergeant... secure the area. CINDY SANCHEZ: Special Agent Gibbs... PALMER: Wow, she really was beautiful. DUCKY: She still is, Mr. Palmer. She's been dead at least five hours, Jethro. GIBBS: I'm more interested in how she got that way, Duck. DUCKY: Well, her body is covered with these lacerations. None of them appear to be fatal. PALMER: We'll know more when we get her back. Um... I'll just go get the gurney now. GIBBS: Who moved the body? MCMANNIS: I did, sir. Didn't think it was right them taking pictures of Taylor hanging on the wire like that. GIBBS: You have any crime scene experience, Staff Sergeant McMannis? MCMANNIS: No, sir. But I do have public affairs experience. Photos like that aren't what the Corps agreed to support this show. GIBBS: You the liaison? MCMANNIS: Yes, sir.We've been trying to contact the producer, Thomas Crawley. He doesn't know anything about this yet. GIBBS: How'd she get up there? MCMANNIS: Looked like she was trying to climb over. That doesn't make any sense, sir. If she wanted off the show, all she had to do was ask. It's not like this is a real boot camp. GIBBS: McGee, photos. Ziva, interview the rest of the models. DiNozzo... TONY: Boss, I'm pretty familiar with the show. Maybe I should interview them. ZIVA: That would work for me. I hate models. GIBBS: Is that so? McGee... Help Ziva... interview them. Any other suggestions, DiNozzo? TONY: No, I think I got it. GIBBS: Good. I'm going to need to see all the footage that you shot on this thing. MCMANNIS: You got it, sir. Post production office is right over here. ZIVA: Do you want me to get their autographs, Tony? TONY: Hey, Probie... See if you can get them to sign it to the "Big D." CUT TO: INT. DORMITORY NATALIE: What was she doing out there, Hannah? HANNAH: Probably just looking for a bigger story line. NATALIE: Hmm? HANNAH: Think about it, Nat, the big escape. Would have made some great TV. ZIVA: Unfortunately, it did. MCGEE: Special Agent McGee, and Officer David, NCIS. We would like to ask you a few questions. ZIVA: In private, please. CAMERAMAN: Okay, let's go. MCGEE: When was the last time you saw Ms. Shane? NATALIE: Lights out. ZIVA: Time? HANNAH: Around 10: 30. ZIVA: Do you really believe she did this as a stunt? HANNAH: I don't know. I mean... Taylor would do anything for more camera time. NATALIE: Hannah, she's dead, okay? Stop being a bitch. HANNAH: The cameras are off, Natalie. You can stop pretending you cared about her. ZIVA: Hmm, you didn't get along. HANNAH: We're supermodels, honey. We don't have to get along. MCGEE: On the show you three seem like such good friends. NATALIE: They shoot us 24 hours a day, Agent McGee. You only get to see 23 minutes of it. CUT TO: EXT. QUANTICO - DAY TONY: Hey, just about done here, boss. Thought I might check on the rest of the team... GIBBS: You're riding with the body. Make sure those damn reporters don't follow you back. TONY: How am I supposed to do that...? GIBBS: Improvise. TONY: Give me the keys. I'm driving. DUCKY: Tony. TONY: Thanks, Ducky. CUT TO: INT. DORMITORY HANNAH: Anything else I n help you with? Like maybe some hair tips for your girlfriend here? MCGEE: No, I think that about covers it. But if you can remember anything else that might help, please give us a call. ZIVA: It's called a business card. Maybe you can have one of the marines read it to you. CUT TO: INT. AUTOPSY DUCKY: No bones broken, no major arteries severed and take a look at the tox screen. Her death was not the result of tangling with the razor wire. GIBBS: Phencyclidine. Angel dust. DUCKY: Yeah. It's an overdose of PCP. Drove that poor girl flailing into that fence. She had a seizure, fell into a coma and died. GIBBS: An accidental overdose, Duck? DUCKY: I doubt it. She had enough PCP in her system to kill a small water buffalo. GIBBS: Water buffalo? DUCKY: I tire of saying small horse. I'm afraid our young model might have committed suicide. GIBBS: We don't investigate suicides, Duck. PALMER: We don't investigate suicides? DUCKY: Technically no. But even the most obvious suicide is investigated by NCIS as a murder. PALMER: On a Marine base surrounded by cameras... DUCKY: Yes. The stuff good mysteries are made of, Mr. Palmer. FADE IN: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE CINDY SANCHEZ (ON TV): The incident shocked the entertainment industry and entire nation. The sudden and gruesome death of super model and recent reality star, Taylor Shane. The 25-year-old was found at approximately 6: 10 yesterday morning, hanging atop a barrier fence at the Quantico Marine base. Shane was at Quantico participating in hit reality show Boot Camp Babes. SHEPARD: I'll just fast forward to the good part. CINDY SANCHEZ (ON TV): Special Agent Gibbs, is the Marine Corps attempting to cover up how Taylor Shane died. GIBBS (ON TV): The interview's over. CINDY SANCHEZ (ON TV): The people have a right to know. GIBBS (ON TV): I don't care. SHEPARD: What were you thinking? GIBBS: Give me a break, Jen, I wasn't even asked that question. SHEPARD: You're saying they did a hatchet job on you? GIBBS: Yeah, are you saying you don't believe me? You were wrong the other day. Some things do change. SHEPARD: Part of our job is to make sure that they don't creatively edit our interviews, Jethro. GIBBS: No, that's maybe your job, Director. My job is to catch dirtbags. SHEPARD: The Marine Corps does not need anymore bad publicity at this moment. GIBBS: Supporting something called Boot Camp Babes? What did they think was gonna happen? SHEPARD: The intention of the show was to represent that the Marines could be a life changing experience. GIBBS: Maybe, in season two. Are we done here, yet? I have a dead girl downstairs and an investigation to run. SHEPARD: I've got an entire agency to run, and sound bites like these do not help when the budget's under review. Or maybe you'd like to go back to the days when we had to buy our own ammo to train on the range. GIBBS: Okay, you want me to help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number. SHEPARD: You're going to apologize? GIBBS: No, ask her to dinner. CUT TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: There's Ducky. Ducky looks good. Here's the autopsy gremlin. There it is! Right there. That's my jacket. ZIVA: That's McGee's jacket. TONY: I didn't make a single broadcast. MCGEE: I wish I could say the same. Camera must have added about ten pounds to me. TONY: Actually, that was your refrigerator, Probie. You think Gibbs watched the news last night? ZIVA: I know the director did. He's been up in her office for the past half an hour. TONY: Anyone else think they were more than just partners back in the day? Hi, boss. We're just talking about Cagney and Lacey. It was a real good show. GIBBS: What we got? ZIVA: Taylor Shane checked into the Los Angeles Better Health Center in August of '02 and then again in May of '03. TONY: Publicist said it was an eating disorder, but... the truth is it was heroin, cocaine and... GIBBS: PCP. TONY: Bingo, boss. MCGEE: Friends have given several interviews over the years. They blame her drug problem mostly on the boyfriend, Noah Keller, son of Marshall Keller. TONY: Ooh, that guy owns half of Manhattan. His kids are loaded, too. MCGEE: Well, this kid was arrested for possession of illegal narcotics three times in the last five years. Twice for cocaine, once for PCP. GIBBS: Find him. MCGEE: Already on it. GIBBS: That executive show guy, Crawley? He got back last night? ZIVA: The term is "executive producer." GIBBS: Whatever. Interview him. I want to know how this girl did a fistful of PCP in the middle of his reality show. TONY: That guy dates super models? ZIVA: They're shallow, he's wealthy. It's the perfect match. Isn't your family wealthy? TONY: That's different. ZIVA: Why? TONY: My dad cut me off when I was 12. I had to earn all my dates the old fashioned way. ZIVA: Begging. CUT TO: INT. LAB - DAY GIBBS: Hey, Abs, got some good news for you. Just talked to the director, your new assistant starts Monday. ABBY: No, Gibbs. No, I can't go through that again. That is so not funny. GIBBS: No? ABBY: No. GIBBS: It was to me, kinda. Here you go. Where are we? ABBY: Well, I know why no one heard Taylor screaming when she was on the wire the other night. Two 300-car trains passed by OCS the same time she died. I doubt anyone could have heard anything. GIBBS: You on a new diet, Abs? ABBY: No, according to Ducky, there were no signs of intravenous drug use on the body, and there were traces of PCP in the lungs. GIBBS: She took it orally. ABBY: But there were also no traces of the binders and chemicals you would find when something's taken by pill. GIBBS: Yeah, well, I'm guessing that's what all this is about. ABBY: You would be guessing right. There were traces of PCP in her stomach. There was also dextrose, ferrous sulfate, riboflavin and a bunch of other chemicals that are consistent with these delectable pastries. GIBBS: Okay, which one? ABBY: That's what I've been trying to figure out. It's kind of fun. It reminds me of Bill Nye. GIBBS: Who? ABBY: Bill Nye the Science Guy? Wacky scientist with a kid's show? GIBBS: Oh, like Mr. Wizard. ABBY: Who? GIBBS: Never mind. ABBY: So, anyways, Bill Nye did an episode where he broke down the molecular structure of junk food pastries, same thing I did today, only Bill Nye was trying to get kids to eat healthier, and his pastries weren't laced with PCP, although Bill Nye once... GIBBS: Abby, the case? ABBY: Two things I know. One, I like cream filling, and two, her last meal was this. I think we're looking at death by Klowny Kake. GIBBS: That's good work, Abs. CUT TO: INT. DORMITORY MCMANNIS: Taylor got along with everyone, Hannah. Everyone but you. HANNAH: Your point is, Staff Sergeant? MCMANNIS: She committed suicide for a reason, I want to know why. HANNAH: How the hell would I know? MCMANNIS: You been abusing her on and off camera for the past two months. HANNAH: Oh, so it's my fault she decided to off herself? MCMANNIS: I want to know what happened in this room last night. HANNAH: Well, let's see. I went to bed, Natalie probably snuck off two or three times to the bathroom to throw up, and Taylor... well, she apparently decided to hang herself from a barbed wire fence. Anything else I can help you with, Staff Sergeant? MCMANNIS: You're a real piece of work, Bressling. Get out of my sight. I'll see you at the pull-up bars. HANNAH: With pleasure. ZIVA: Is this a bad time, Staff Sergeant? MCMANNIS: No, ma'am. Just counting the days till this reality show is off of my base. TONY: We need to speak with Thomas Crawley. MCMANNIS: So do I, sir. He's asked not to be disturbed. ZIVA: A girl died from a drug overdose while taping the show. Disturbing him is not our primary concern. MCMANNIS: Taylor overdosed? On what? TONY: PCP, a lot of it. MCMANNIS: That's why she tried to climb that fence 'cause she was on drugs? TONY: She was most likely delusional. ZIVA: Perhaps she thought someone was chasing her. TONY: You know how she got the drugs, Staff Sergeant? MCMANNIS: No, sir. I know she had some problems in the past, but if anything, she was anti-drugs. Hell, she wouldn't even take an aspirin. TONY: Where's Crawley, Staff Sergeant? MCMANNIS: His office. It's just outside that door. CUT TO: INT. CRAWLEY'S OFFICE TONY: Mr. Crawley. Mr. Crawley? CRAWLEY: I'm sorry. Please, I was thinking about my daughter. Her death just... TONY: Taylor Shane was your daughter? CRAWLEY: I became her legal guardian when she was 15. We've been through a lot together, but... ZIVA: Were you aware that she had a drug problem? CRAWLEY: Taylor's been clean and sober for over two years now. ZIVA: She OD'd on PCP. CRAWLEY: No, no. There's no way. She would never go through that again. ZIVA: Statistically, addicts fall back in times of stress. TONY: Meaning Marine boot camp probably wasn't the best environment for her. CRAWLEY: This entire reality series was Taylor's idea. I've never seen her happier. She loved it here. ZIVA: How did she get the drugs? CRAWLEY: She didn't. The whole point of the show was to show that she wasn't that girl anymore. ZIVA: Well, I'd say it backfired, large time. TONY: It's "big time." CUT TO: EXT. QUANTICO - DAY MCMANNIS: Get up! Let's go! Move! Come on. Show me what you're made of! Come on now. Just two more! HANNAH: I can't do it anymore! MCMANNIS: What did I tell you about the word "can't," Bressling?! NATALIE: Taylor's the only one who took any of this Marine stuff seriously. But you knew that, right, Sarge? CRAWLEY: Get the cameras out of here. CAMERAMAN: Yes, sir. CRAWLEY: Was he here? Answer me, Hannah. MCMANNIS: You're hurting her arm, sir. CRAWLEY: My daughter's dead, Staff Sergeant. If she's responsible, I'll do more than that. TONY: Hey, no one's doing anything around here but calming down. ZIVA: Who is "he"? CRAWLEY: Noah Keller, Taylor's ex. ZIVA: Noah Keller, he was here? HANNAH: A couple of days ago. Big deal. CRAWLEY: Did you know this? MCMANNIS: No, sir. TONY: Staff Sergeant, can you take Mr. Crawley for a walk? We need to talk to the girls alone. MCMANNIS: You need to let NCIS handle it. CRAWLEY: I'll talk to you when they're done. HANNAH: We'll be here, Tom. We don't wrap for another three days. Is that Berry Mango Madness? ZIVA: Yes. HANNAH: We haven't had anything but Marine food since we got here. I'll give you a hundred bucks for it. ZIVA: It's not for sale. TONY: It's free. Just like love. You know, I'm a big fan of the show. You guys are really beautiful and great and the show is excellent. HANNAH: Thanks, cutie. ZIVA: Why didn't you tell me that Taylor's boyfriend had visited her? NATALIE: She made us promise not to say anything. TONY: Well, you know, she's dead, so I don't think she'll mind. HANNAH: You saw the way Tom reacted. He hates Noah. He blames him for Taylor's drug habit. ZIVA: Was she using while she was here? HANNAH: Considering we're in a Marine boot camp, no. None of us have used any drugs. NATALIE: Noah just came to talk to her. They were having some relationship problems. HANNAH: Taylor thought he was using again. NATALIE: What? TONY: It just makes sense. ZIVA: Someone gave her enough PCP to kill the three of you. CUT TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: When was the last time you heard from Mr. Keller? GIBBS: Hang up the phone, McGee. MCGEE: Boss, I'm on the phone with Noah Keller's accountant. GIBBS: He's at the Cranston Motel in Triangle, Virginia right outside the main gate at Quantico. MCGEE: How'd you track him down? GIBBS: I got an urgent call from the President. His AMEX records were in the fax machine, McGee. Come on. MCGEE: I specifically told her to e-mail those. CUT TO: EXT. HOTEL - DAY MCGEE: Millions of dollars, supermodel girlfriend, this is where he stays? GIBBS: Well, he showed up in style. MCGEE: I think I would have rather slept in the car. GIBBS: That one. (ON THE PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs? TONY: (ON THE PHONE) Boss, Noah Keller was in Quantico the day before Taylor Shane died. GIBBS: Yeah, I see him now, DiNozzo. Don't bother, McGee. FADE IN: INT. HOTEL'S ROOM - DAY DUCKY: A young person's death is never easy, McGee, but two in 24 hours, and both self-afflicted, well, that's... tragic. GIBBS: He got off easy, Duck drugs he gave his girlfriend had her thrashing herself to death in a barbed-wire fence. MCGEE: These people can have everything, and this is how they end up? DUCKY: Well, wealth and fame have often gone hand in hand with fatal addiction. Edgar Allan Poe, Keith Moon. PALMER: Kurt Cobain. DUCKY: Yeah, the list goes on and on. This one's been dead about 24 hours, Jethro. GIBBS: Yeah, well, that means he offed himself the same night his girlfriend O.D.'d. DUCKY: Well, the froth around the mouth suggests a breakdown of the nervous system. GIBBS: PCP? DUCKY: Yeah, possible, but not probable. Look. Pinpoint pupils, blue discoloration around the fingernails. No, I'd say his death was the result of diacetylmorphine. GIBBS: Heroin. DUCKY: Yeah. GIBBS: I would say you're right, Ducky. That a suicide note? MCGEE: Not exactly. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE SHEPARD: "It's time for us to realize that this just isn't meant to be. Please know that it was never my intention to hurt you. I will always remember the great times we've had." This is a Dear John letter. GIBBS: Postmarked six days ago from Quantico Post Office. Handwriting checks out. SHEPARD: Taylor Shane sent it. GIBBS: Yeah. Noah Keller came by to chat about it. SHEPARD: Very Romeo and Juliet. GIBBS: Yeah, except for the part where he feeds her a toxic Klowny Kake and offs himself. SHEPARD: This must have been a very difficult letter for her to write. GIBBS: Probably harder for him to read. No one likes getting dumped by postal express. SHEPARD: Maybe he didn't listen. Relationships change. Some people don't know when to let go. I have to brief the C.G. of Quantico first thing in the morning on this, and I'd like you to be there when I do that. GIBBS: Negative, Jen all we have is circumstantial evidence so far. We don't even have anything to tie the two deaths together yet. SHEPARD: Well, I can't call the general and tell him we have nothing. GIBBS: You can always write him a letter. CUT TO: INT. LAB - DAY TONY: Abby? Abs? ABBY: Ta-da! They're for you. TONY: Wow. They're really black. Really, really... black. ABBY: It's pretty cool, huh? TONY: Yeah. "Get well Soon"? ABBY: They didn't have a card that said... "Sorry I almost sent you to prison" at the flower shop. TONY: "Almost"? You actually did send me to prison. ABBY: Well, not for good. TONY: Abby... I don't know what to say, Abby. These... ABBY: Just say that you don't hate me. TONY: I could never hate you. I don't think anyone could ever hate you. ABBY: Oh, you don't know Billy Bob. TONY: You... gave him black roses? ABBY: No. I gave him two black eyes. He tried to run over me with a Harley Fatboy when I was sleeping in the living room. TONY: A guy rode a motorcycle through your living room? ABBY: Yeah. No. Well, it was his living room, my Harley. Billy Bob had, um, intimacy issues. Don't forget to water them, or they'll die. TONY: I thought they already were dead. CUT TO: INT. AUTOPSY PALMER: "Laugh now, cry later." DUCKY: It's an interesting concept, Mr. Palmer. Unfortunately for our guest here, the laughter has ended. PALMER: My friend who went to NYU said is guy was the club king of New York. He was almost legendary. DUCKY: Well, if he wasn't before, he most certainly is now. PALMER: And apparently, he only went out with models and A-list celebrities. This guy got the VIP treatment everywhere he went. GIBBS: You writing a gossip column, Palmer? PALMER: I-I was just informing Dr. Mallard that he... that he... that he... We... I... GIBBS: Talk to me, Duck. DUCKY: Our initial assumptions were far from correct. When I examined him just now, I found fresh bruises on his upper back, the left shoulder. The X rays indicated a severe fracture of the left scapula and a clavicle that was almost completely crushed. GIBBS: He was in a fight? DUCKY: Yeah. Well, injuries of that nature, his left arm would be completely useless. GIBBS: Someone else shot him up. DUCKY: Well, Abby's tox screen showed that Mr. Keller had a blood-alcohol level of .34. His heart was pumping so slowly that most of the heroin was never even metabolized. GIBBS: He was passed out. DUCKY: Yes. I'm afraid our young man was unconscious when the drug was administered. CUT TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: From Abby? TONY: I thought this show was just mindless entertainment. ZIVA: It's called research, Tony. And I'm merely looking for a lead. TONY: Well, this is only the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting at home eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your 50-inch plasma. ZIVA: We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee, for example. He's been raised in America his entire life, and he rarely turns the television on. Tell him, McGee. TONY: Yeah, tell him, McGee. MCGEE: W-Well, uh... depends what you consider "rarely." I might watch 20 minutes here or there. TONY: Tell her what you do the rest of the time, Probie. MCGEE: It's not TV. TONY: He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game. MCGEE: It's an elf lord. TONY: Whatever. GIBBS: Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. What the hell are you two doing? Find out why. TONY: Hey, uh, I got to call you back. MCGEE: Boss, I think I might have something. GIBBS: Are you waiting for me to guess... elf lord? (TONY LAUGHS) MCGEE: No. Sorry. Um, I was searching through Noah Keller's cell phone records. The night that he died, he received three calls. Two were from his business manager, the other was from Hannah Bressling. CUT TO: INT. DORMITORY HANNAH: I've known Noah since high school. We used to sneak into the Limelight, like, every weekend. MCGEE: Limelight-- that's, uh, that club in Chelsea. HANNAH: Yeah. You been? MCGEE: Actually, no, I, uh... I saw it on Wild On. Sounded like it was a pretty exclusive place. HANNAH: Even as a kid, Noah seemed to know all the right people. I don't think he waited in line his entire life. TONY: Money tends to open doors. HANNAH: Oh, he didn't use his dad's money as a crutch. MCGEE: Really? HANNAH: Yeah, everyone always assumed that he was popular only because he was rich and... that was the reason he dated models. TONY: I'm sure it didn't hurt. HANNAH: No, women liked Noah 'cause he was charismatic and interesting. I mean, most guys that come from money are womanizers whose life revolves around their car. TONY: Were you and Noah ever an item? HANNAH: We dated on and off for a couple of years, but... we sort of lost touch when he hooked up with Taylor. MCGEE: When did he get involved with drugs? HANNAH: People say he got her started, but it's not true. They both made that leap together. TONY: Did you speak to him when he came to see Taylor? HANNAH: No. He was, um, drunk and really upset. But I called him later that night just to make sure that he was safe. I just can't imagine why anyone would have wanted to hurt him. CUT TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: What are you doing? SHEPARD: I just stopped by to drop you something off, Jethro. GIBBS: Looked to me like you were playing agent. SHEPARD: I left you four messages today. GIBBS: Really? I only got three. SHEPARD: Noah Keller's death was murder, not suicide. That's something I should probably know. GIBBS: It sounds like you do. SHEPARD: This case is getting more attention by the hour. I trust... that you will keep me informed. GIBBS: Trust is a two-way street. SHEPARD: What are you saying, Jethro, you don't trust me? GIBBS: Of course I trust you. Is that all? SHEPARD: For now. ZIVA: I can save you the trouble. On today's Channel Six News, per Director Shepard's demand, Cynthia Sanchez issued a retraction on Monday's story. She was also forced to issue a public apology to one Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Our director has friends in high places, yes? GIBBS: Something I can do for you, Officer David? ZIVA: Abby needs to see you. Said she found something. CUT TO: INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: I looked through all the Boot Camp Babes footage from the night Taylor Shane died. ZIVA: She was nowhere to be seen. She knew where the cameras were placed. Also knew how to avoid them. ABBY: Not all of them. A few minutes ago, I found this. It's from a Quantico security camera that was placed on top of the mess hall. This video was taken about two hours before Taylor Shane died. ZIVA: I presume not many people stroll around Quantico at 1: 00 a.m. GIBBS: Can you zoom in, Abs? ABBY: My new enhancer program is booting up as we speak. I've been waiting for the chance to bust out this bad boy. This should clear it up a bit. ZIVA: Taylor was with Staff Sergeant McMannis? FADE IN: INT. OBSERVATION ROOM ZIVA: When's Gibbs planning on starting? TONY: This is one of his techniques. ZIVA: Really? TONY: Leaves the guy alone in a cold, dimly lit room. And then, just as the guy starts to zone out, bursts in the door and rifles off some questions. I call it "rock the baby." ZIVA: I see. And does it work? TONY: Oh, just watch. In a few moments, that door's going to fly open and this big, bad Marine is going to jump like a little girl. GIBBS: What the hell's with you, DiNozzo? TONY: Nothing. Uh... I was just telling Ziva about your interrogation techniques. GIBBS: I'm not interrogating McMannis. You are. TONY: Ooh, thanks, boss. You know, I could've used a little more prep time... GIBBS: I'm not talking to you, DiNozzo. He is all yours, Officer David. ZIVA: You are aware that I've never performed an interrogation without inflicting some sort of pain. CUT TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ZIVA: This footage was pulled from a Quantico security camera. It was taken at 0117 the morning Taylor Shane was murdered. CUT TO: INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: It's an interesting technique. GIBBS: She doesn't want to tempt herself. CUT TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ZIVA: Tell me what you know, Staff Sergeant. MCMANNIS: Okay if I dip, ma'am? I promised Taylor I'd quit. We're both addicted to nicotine. ZIVA: A supermodel who spits tobacco? MCMANNIS: She smoked, but it's against the rules at boot camp. ZIVA: So you supplied her with your snuff there? MCMANNIS: Yes, ma'am. ZIVA: And junk food? MCMANNIS: Sometimes. ZIVA: And the midnight walks? You did that with every girl, Staff Sergeant? MCMANNIS: No, just Taylor; we didn't want anybody to find out about us until the show ended. ZIVA: Find out what? MCMANNIS: That we were in love, ma'am. CUT TO: INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: This is the worst defense imaginable. The idea of a supermodel falling in love with a guy like this. GIBBS: Okay, why is that? TONY: Well, it's absolutely ridiculous, you know? Supermodels date guys like George Clooney, or guys with George Clooney's bank account or, of course, the actual George Clooney, but not guys like this. They don't date guys like this. Definitely not guys like this. GIBBS: Meaning, Marines, DiNozzo? TONY: No, I didn't say that. I mean, I would never say that. He thought I meant Marines. GIBBS: Yeah. Gibbs. ABBY (ON THE PHONE): I got something for you. GIBBS: (ON THE PHONE) I'll be right there. (TO TONY) Abby's got something. TONY: Hey, you were a lot of help. CUT TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM MCMANNIS: Taylor was nohing like her reputation. She was, she was... normal, like a regular girl. I know it sounds weird, ma'am, but I fell in love with her the moment I met her. ZIVA: And she felt the same way? MCMANNIS: We were going to get married once the show ended. She was done with modeling. She... she was sick of the whole lifestyle. ZIVA: And the reason you failed to mention you were with her a few hours before she died? MCMANNIS: Who'd have believe me, ma'am? Hell, it was my life. I barely believe it myself. ZIVA: I believe you. MCMANNIS: You do? So I'm free to go? ZIVA: No. I think we will charge you with murder instead. MCMANNIS: But you just... you said you believed me, ma'am. I would never, ever have done anything to hurt her. ZIVA: What about the man who supplied Taylor with the drugs that killed her? Noah Keller? MCMANNIS: Uh... ZIVA: Answer the question, Staff Sergeant. MCMANNIS: I'm not feeling too well, ma'am. CUT TO: INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: This is the final wardrobe of Taylor Shane. MCGEE: Could not imagine a worse way to go. ABBY: I could. MCGEE: She planted herself on a barbed-wire fence. What could possibly be worse? ABBY: My top three are falling into a wood chipper, drowning in lava, and being eaten by a shark. MCGEE: Guessing you've thought about this before. ABBY: On and off for the last 25 years. MCGEE: You know, I read a statistic that says you're more likely to be struck by lightning than attacked by a shark. ABBY: Not if you're a seal. GIBBS: What do we have, Abs? ABBY: I broke down the origin of each and every stain on Taylor's clothes. Most are blood, mud, rust, and sweat. GIBBS: Most? ABBY: Yes. This stain here, under the collar, has traces of PCP mixed with formaldehyde, sodium and nicotine. GIBBS: Tobacco. ABBY: Yep. The PCP wasn't laced in the Klowny Cake. It was laced in this. CUT TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ZIVA: Are you sure you don't want some more water, Staff Sergeant? MCMANNIS: I... I have to leave here now! ZIVA: Sit down, Staff Sergeant. MCMANNIS: What are you doing to me?! TONY: I believe Officer David asked you to sit down. MCMANNIS: You did this to me! You're trying to destroy me! TONY: The guy just went crazy, boss. GIBBS: He's ODing on PCP. Get a medical team in here, DiNozzo. Where'd you get the chew, Sergeant? Sergeant! MCMANNIS: From the show. What's happening to me, sir? GIBBS: You've been drugged. ZIVA: But you'll be alright now. Hush. CUT TO: INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: This is what I would call some serious snuff. The Staff Sergeant's chew was laced with 400 milligrams of PCP. A typical hit for a user would be between seven and ten milligrams. TONY: I knew that dude could've have taken me if he wasn't juiced. ZIVA: What are his chances, Abby? ABBY: Depends on how much PCP he ingested. How long was he dipping? That long, huh? Let's just hope he has better luck than Taylor Shane. MCGEE: Okay, great. Thank you. Staff Sergeant McMannis is stable at Bethesda. Still in critical condition. GIBBS: Any prints? ABBY: I was able to lift two latent prints. One matches Staff Sergeant McMannis.... GIBBS: And the other? ABBY: No owner yet. But it does match a print lifted from Noah Keller's syringe. ZIVA: Whoever killed Taylor, killed Keller. CUT TO: INT. DORMITORY HANNAH: What's that for? TONY: It's a fingerprint kit. NATALIE: Why? GIBBS: Someone tried to kill Staff Sergeant McMannis today. ZIVA: His chewing tobacco was laced with PCP. Whoever did it left a print on the can. GIBBS: The same person who murdered Taylor Shane and Noah Keller. NATALIE: Whoa. You think it was one of us? ZIVA: Oh, we know it was one of you. CRAWLEY: You were always jealous of her, Hannah. You're also the one who introduced her to Keller. HANNAH: Me, jealous of a crackhead? Please, Tom, you're stretching it a bit. NATALIE: But why would we? That doesn't make any sense. ZIVA: Taylor Shane was in love with the staff sergeant. HANNAH: Yeah, right. You've got to be joking. ZIVA: No, we're not. HANNAH: Well, then fingerprint away, sweetheart. It wasn't me. GIBBS: We don't need it. They're already on your arrest record. ZIVA: From the time you beat up your assistant with a cell phone, I believe? NATALIE: Well, it wasn't me. GIBBS: Nope. We've got yours, too. TONY: Yeah. Remember that time you drove your SUV through the front of Limelight? CRAWLEY: Whoa. What is this? I-I loved Taylor. Wait a minute. I'm not giving you permission to take my fingerprints. I want to talk to my lawyer first. GIBBS: We don't need anybody's permission. You're under arrest for murder. ZIVA: You didn't want Taylor to give up her career to marry a Marine, but you couldn't stop her. TONY: Too bad she was addicted to nicotine, too. NATALIE: You killed your own daughter? CRAWLEY: It was an accident! What was I supposed to do? She was going to throw her life away. Be some... Be some jarhead's housewife! HANNAH: Thanks, Tom. ZIVA: What's so funny, honey? HANNAH: The ratings on this one will really be through the roof. TONY: Ziva, no, no, no, no. ZIVA: You really find her attractive? TONY: Oh, yeah. ZIVA: Well, I want to shoot her. CUT TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Tony, it's a matter of opinion. How can I be wrong? TONY: Exactly. It's a matter of you having the wrong opinion. ZIVA: Why don't you two just agree to disagree? MCGEE: I don't agree to that. TONY: Boss, the director's new hair, you like the way she cut it short? GIBBS: She cut her hair? TONY: Never mind. I don't suppose you want this. I'll get rid of it. GIBBS: Go home, DiNozzo. It's late. TONY: Yeah, I'm just finishing up a couple things. GIBBS: Your flowers are dead.

Plan: A: phencyclidine; Q: What drug did the supermodel overdose on? A: a Marine base; Q: Where was the reality TV show being filmed? A: a motel; Q: Where was the ex-boyfriend found dead? A: heroin; Q: What drug did the ex-boyfriend overdose on? A: their relationship; Q: What were the deaths related to? A: extreme lengths; Q: What did someone go to in order to end the relationship? Summary: A supermodel is found dead after having overdosed on phencyclidine at a Marine base, where the reality TV show in which she was participating was being filmed. Her ex-boyfriend is also found dead in a motel nearby having overdosed on heroin , leading the team to believe that their deaths may have been related to their relationship. However, when it is discovered that the Marine drill instructor in charge of the TV show was romantically linked to the dead supermodel, the team look closer at the others involved in the show. When the Marine boyfriend begins to overdose on the same thing that killed his girlfriend, it appears that someone may have disapproved of the relationship, even going to extreme lengths to end it.

[Scene: The Dorm Hallway. Joey and Pacey are walking back to Joey's dorm room after eating out at a fancy restaurant.] Joey: That place was so nice, Pace. They had individual towels in the bathroom. Pacey: Really? Laid out in baskets and everything? Joey: Mm-hmm. Pacey: Well, if that's not the hallmark of a classy joint, I don't know what is. Joey: Well, you do definitely know how to treat a lady. Pacey: Well, I gotta spend my money on somethin'. [Awkward Pause] Oh, that came out totally wrong. Because you are not-- n-not something that I just spend money on. It's not like a possession—[] but I would. I would, and I do. Joey: Well, why do you think I'm with you? Pacey: Ok. [Chuckles] Joey: How's work goin', Pace? Pacey: Uh, it's going really well, thank you. I got a promotion, actually. Joey: Really? To what? Pacey: I...don't know. There's no title, but I get an office, and, uh, I get a secretary. That's kind of cool. Joey: Ooh! Pacey: Yeah. Joey: Fancy. You certainly won't want to talk to me after tonight, so... Pacey: You see, I knew you would understand. Joey: Don't kick a girl when she's down. You know, I'm strapped for cash, and they cut my hours because everyone's on spring break, drinking elsewhere. Pacey: I guess that means you're free for dinner next Saturday. Joey: Well, anything for a free meal. Pacey: Classy lady like you, I might even throw in a free dessert. Joey: You must be serious about me. Pacey: Ok, well... [The both go to kiss, but both stop short, and then look awkwardly at one another.] [Both chuckle] Pacey: I think that's my cue. I'm just gonna... Joey: Ok. Pacey: Cut my losses. Um... I'll have my secretary call you about dinner. Joey: Pacey, I had a lovely time. Pacey: So did I. Joey: Good night. Pacey: Good night. [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Jen's Bedroom. CJ is sleeping in Jen's bed, when Jen comes walking up to the side of the bed with two cups of coffee. CJ, slowly rolls over in the bed to face her.] CJ: [Groans] Jen: Mornin', sunshine. CJ: Mmm... where's Grams? Jen: She's downstairs, stirring porridge. CJ: Mmm. Really? Shall we, then? Jen: Shall we what? . [He grabs her shirt and pulls her over to him.] CJ: [Chuckles] Shall we that. Jen: Yeah, that. CJ: Yeah. Jen: Nah. CJ: No? Jen: No. I'm not really in the mood. CJ: Mood? Who needs mood? [He leans over to kiss her, and she quickly pulls away] CJ: What? Jen: Nothing a little toothpaste won't fix. CJ: Oh. Well, fine. Then don't kiss me. See if I care. Jen: Not so sexy when you're pouting. [CJ reaches over to the nightstand and grabs a box of condoms] CJ: Do you know how many of these were in here when I bought them? Jen: 12. CJ: Mm-hmm. Know how many are in here now? Jen: 12. CJ: We haven't had s*x in a week, Jen. Jen: That's hardly true. CJ: Not since Grams went to bingo. That was a week ago today. Jen: What am I, s*x on a stick? I'm not a boy. I don't have... the same kind of s*x drive that you do, all right? Not to mention the fact that I-- I live in mortal terror of my grams walking in on us in the middle of some ungodly act. So maybe that helps you to understand why I'm not jumping your bones every chance I get. CJ: Hmm. Wow. Then it's true what they say. Jen: What? CJ: Once you start dating, the s*x goes right out the window. Jen: You are such a drama queen. CJ: [Laughs] Jen: You know, there are other ways for us to be intimate. CJ: I'm all for that stuff. [He looks at her and smiles] Jen: Yeah? So am I. CJ: Well, come on. [He lifts up the sheet for her, and looks down at himself and she climbs into bed and cuddles up next to him. ] Jen: Hmm. CJ: Is this what you were talking about--snuggling? Jen: Mmm. Yeah. What did you think I was talking about? CJ: Nothing. [Scene: Pacey's Work Place. Joey comes walking into the office, and every guy in the place stares at her practically drooling. Pacey turns a corner and sees her.] Pacey: Jo. Hi! To what do I owe this honor? Joey: I--I brought you an office-warming gift. You won't get in trouble for having visitors, will you? Pacey: No, no. Not if you stop distracting the boys. You want to step into my office? Joey: How professional. So, everyone's just on the phone. Is this what you do all day? Pacey: It's a little more complicated than that. [grabs a folder from one of the desks] Let me grab those. Thanks, tom. Joey: So, what makes you so busy now that you need an assistant? Pacey: I don't know, but to tell you the truth, she kind of freaks me out. [The walk to the front of Pacey's new office] Pacey: Marcy? Hi. I'd like to introduce you to my friend Jo. Marcy: Nice to meet you. F.Y.I. For you, Mr. Witter, the meeting's been pushed to 3:00, and Mr. Rinaldi's in your office. And when you have a moment, I'd like a word. Pacey: A word? Marcy: Don't patronize me, Mr. Witter. Pacey: I'm sorry, ma'am. I-- you can talk now if you like. Marcy: Fine, Mr. Witter. If you must know, Mr. Rinaldi fired me, and I'll be leaving at the end of the day. Pacey: [Sighs] [The go inside Pacey's office to find Rich sitting in Pacey's chair.] Rich: Just breakin' it in for you. Oh, who's the looker? Joey: You do realize that I'm standing right here? Rich: And you do realize that was a compliment, right? Pacey: [Chuckles uncomfortably] Rich, this is Joey. Joey, you remember Rich. And, Rich, why is it, exactly, you fired my secretary? Rich: Well, uh, she tried to kick me out of your office. Pacey: Well, doesn't that deserve a raise? Rich: Yeah, well, I didn't like her attitude, Witter, or the cut of her jib, for that matter. [Chuckles] Joey: You can just fire somebody because you don't like the way they look? Isn't that discrimination? Rich: Is she human resources? Pacey: No. No, no. She's my, uh... friend of mine. Rich: Oh. So, uh, why aren't you in school today? Joey: I'm on spring break. Rich: What do you do 9 to 5, Johnny? Joey: Joey. Nothing at the moment. Um... Rich: I say you spend the next 2 weeks filling in here. You know how to play office, right? Why don't you set that up, Witter. [Rich leaves Pacey's Office, pausing long enough to take a look at Joey's back side.] Joey: He's kidding, right? Pacey: Rich? No, he doesn't really have much of a sense of humor. Joey: Well, how much does it pay? Pacey: I don't know. I think it's, like, 600 bucks a week. Joey: Are you serious? Pacey: Would you actually want to do it? Joey: Well, you have to admit, Pace, I mean, it is perfect timing. I'm broke. We never see each other anymore. Pacey: Yeah, but hangin' out by the coffee machine is not exactly a date, now, is it? Joey: Who's kidding who, Pace? Now, we both know that the boss doesn't hang out by the coffee machine. That would be the assistant's job. [She is adjusting his tie the entire time she is talking to him here] Pacey: And you're sure you'd be comfortable with the whole boss/secretary power relationship? Joey: We both know who's boss here. Pacey: [Chuckles] Well, ok, yeah. I mean, what's the worst that could happen, right? Joey: Barring me taking over the company, nothing. How fun is this gonna be! [Scene: Heather's Office at the movie studio. Dawson is pitching his idea for a movie to Heather, while she paces around the room listening to his ideas] Dawson: It's about a lot of things, but more than anything, it's about what it feels like to be 15... that time in your life when everything's new and you're constantly on the edge of a broken heart. I mean, it should be stylized and operatic and... Heather: And... Dawson: I'd like to direct it. Heather: [Chuckles] Whoa, junior. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Walk before you run. Dawson: Ok. What do you think? Heather: I like it. I do. And I think your passion for it is great. It's just... Dawson: What? Heather: It's a little soft. And in case you haven't noticed, we don't really do soft around here. We do exploitation. Larry learned everything he knows from Roger Corman. You could pitch him Citizen Kane, and unless there's a minimum of 3 nude scenes, he'd give you a look like he just smelled a fart. Dawson: Ok. That's all well and good, but I'm not sure I know how to make that movie. Heather: My advice to you... is to play up the s*x. He'll understand that. Dawson: What makes this pitch so interesting and unique is the fact that it's this epic love story without the s*x. Heather: I'll let you in on a little secret. Larry Newman is the horniest man alive, a world-class pervert. He's on his third wife. She's 23... and done a lot of work in the valley, if you know what I mean. Which doesn't seem to stop him from coveting my rack, mind you. Dawson: [Chuckles] I'm so sorry. That must be terrible to work in an environment like that. Heather: Please. You've been staring at the twins for the past 20 minutes. Dawson: I... Heather: Not that I mind, of course. They are fantastic and worth every penny. What's my point? Dawson: I don't know. Heather: My point is... if you want to make a movie with us, find a way to tell your story while still aping to the lowest common denominator. Pitch the same thing you pitched , only throw in... a stripper, a 3-way, or like an affair with a teacher or something. Dawson: I can do that. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Help Center. Jen and CJ are sitting in desks that are positioned face to face and both are trying to keep busy by reading, and ignoring one another. There is an obvious awkwardness and unconfort in the air.] [Telephone rings] [Jen jumps faster and answers the phone first.] Jen: Help line. This is Jen speaking. Are you sure that that's actually a problem? Because speaking as a girl whose boyfriend wants to copulate every waking moment of the day, I would actually welcome the break. I mean, I appreciate the enthusiasm. It's just it's--it's a little exhausting. This position, that position, "you want my legs where?" I mean, I can't even wear a skirt anymore without him taking it as an invitation to hike it up. [CJ just gets up and leaves] [Scene: Pacey's work place. Pacey walks in the front door and is confronted by one of the other employees who stops him to tell him something.] Man: Hey, Witter, nicely done. Nicely done, indeed. Pacey: What are you talkin' about? Man: The new hire. Pacey: Oh. Joey. [Pacey walks in to see everyone huddled up around the desk in front of his office. He looks at this weird site and makes his way over to them. The men part so that we see Joey sitting at the desk. All the guys are practically drooling around him] Pacey: Hey, Joe. Joey: Oh. Morning, Pace. Pacey: Morning. Excuse me. Are these guys botherin' you? Joey: No. They may be trying to, but I can't exactly tell. Did any of you go to college? Man1: We're just showin' her the ropes, Pacey. Man2: Are you comfortable, Joey? I mean, this seems a little high. [the man reaches over and hits a leaver and Joey's seat drops down a little.] Joey: Oh. Oh, whoa. [Chuckles] That's...super. Thank you. Pacey: Well, great. I'm glad we got that all fixed up. But seeing as this is my secretary, why don't you guys go back to your— Joey: Ahem! Pacey: Office temp-- it's not important right now. What's important—she's not gonna be here long, so don't get too attached. Bye-bye. [They leave] Joey: Neander-creeps. Sorry about that. [Cut to slightly later and Pacey is playing with an executive toy that he found on his desk. Joey comes walking into his office.] Pacey: What is this? Joey: Oh. Well, that's your office-warming gift. You forgot to open it yesterday. I thought since now you're a true professional and you have an office of your own, that you deserve pointless gadgets to stick on your desk. Pacey: Well, thank you, miss potter. That's very thoughtful of you. Joey: Well, I am the best assistant ever. Pacey: Of course you are. You know, uh, when I got here this morning, you forgot to make the coffee, and I like to start the morning with a cup. Joey: Oh. Oh, right. Well, you were a chef, right? I mean, you can make it yourself. Pacey: Sure. Yeah. [Rich comes into the office.] Pacey: Could you run this down to Tom, please? Joey: Sure. [Joey takes the folder from Pacey and leaves] Rich: Are you sure you need to find a replacement? Pacey: She's got another job, and she's in school, and most importantly, she's unavailable, Rich. Rich: All right. Ok. Pacey: Tell you the truth, the whole thing's becoming a bit of a debacle. I got here this morning, the guys were all over her desk. Rich: Like that's not gonna happen with anything remotely female. Pacey: And she's also my friend. Which makes it a little awkward when I'm tryin' to tell her what to do. Rich: You got to get yourself together, man. There's a reporter coming in to talk to us later, and I don't want you to be snotting all over your tie because you haven't had a nonfat cafe mocha latte grande whatever. Pacey: A reporter for who? Rich: I don't know. Some chick from the financial section to discuss our little up-and-coming company here. See how the big boys play and whatnot. Pacey: Cool. Rich: Yeah, it's swell. So you better straighten up, 'cause it seems like this broad is interested in you in particular-- rising to the top in record time or something. Pacey: Really? She wants to talk to me, huh? Rich: Seriously, it's the financial section. Who reads that? [Rich leaves and Joey comes back in] Joey: So, she wants to talk to you? Pacey: Were you eavesdropping? Joey: Well, yes. I'm your assistant. It's my job. It's what I do. Pacey: Mm-hmm. [Pacey begins playing with his Executive toy again.] [Scene: The Coffee cart outside the help center. CJ is getting a cup of coffee when Jen comes walking over to him.] Jen: Hey. CJ: Hey. Jen: Did you get me one? CJ: I didn't know you wanted one. Jen: Way to be a boyfriend. CJ: Yeah, right. Good one, Jen. Jen: So, I still don't know what C.J. Stands for, but maybe the "c" stands for "crabby"? What's the matter? CJ: Nothing. Jen: Nothing. [Sighs] That's it? CJ: I don't like you using our problems in the bedroom to help other people. Jen: Oh, well, first of all, I wasn't aware that we had problems in the bedroom. And...second of all, why not? CJ: Forget it. Jen: What, is this about s*x? CJ: Pretty much, yeah. Jen: Ok. But you know, if some girl called up and said that her boyfriend was pressuring her into having s*x, you would slip on your very best Dr. Drew, and you would tell her not to stand for it. CJ: Look, if what you to me about your past is true, then I'm guessin' what I don't understand is why the creeps and the scumbags who treated you so poorly got the benefit of your s*x drive. Whereas guys like me who actually treat you fairly well... we get ridiculed for wanting to have s*x with you. Jen: Wow. Kudos to you, C.J. That is the nicest way that anybody's ever called me a slut. CJ: What are you talkin' about? Jen: Basically, what you're saying is if I can be a slut for other guys, why can't I be a slut for you? CJ: That's not what I mean. [Jen storms off and CJ starts to follow, but finally gives up] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Movie Studios. Dawson and Heather are headed to their meeting with Mr. Newman to try and pitch Dawson's movie idea.] Heather: Please tell me you're gonna kick ass in there. Dawson: I'm relatively certain I won't throw up, but beyond that, I can't promise anything. Heather: [Irked] Fabulous. [They go into the office, and see two other people in there. One is blowing up a hemorrhoid pillow] Mr. Newman: Dawson leery! Ha! How the hell's my favorite young director? It's good to see you, kid. Good to see ya. Dawson: You, too, Mr. Newman. Mr. Newman: Ah, Mr. Newman was my father, and that b*st*rd's long gone. You just call me Larry. Have a seat, please. Dawson: Ok. Larry. [Nervous chuckle] Ok. [Mr. Newman sits down and yelps in pain] Mr. Newman: Ow! Peter. Peter: Yes, Larry? Mr. Newman: My ass hurts. Why does my ass hurt? Peter: I'm sorry, Larry. I, uh, I...forgot. Mr. Newman: Actions, peter, actions. Not excuses. [Peter puts the pillow on Larry's chair for him] Mr. Newman: Whew! Ahh! It's my prostate. Damn thing's as big as a cured ham. Gettin' old, boy. Whoo! It's just a series of indignities. You'll find out. Ok. So, what are we doin' here? Dawson: Uh, well— Mr. Newman: Ohh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I can't believe I almost forgot this. You are my hero, kid. Dawson: [Chuckles] Thank you... Larry. That--I, uh-- that means a lot. The re-shoots were tough, but, uh, ultimately I was pretty happy with how they turned out. I gotta say, by the end of it, I actually felt like a real director. Mr. Newman: Right. Uh, no, the re-shoots were fine. What I'm talkin' about is Natasha. Dawson: She was great, wasn't she? I was very happy with the performance that I got out of her. Mr. Newman: Uh, her performance was mediocre at best. What I'm talkin' about here is the fact that you managed to get yourself into her knickers? [Clicks tongue] Heather tells me everything. See, here's my thing with directors. I can tell any schmuck where to put the camera, how to say "action," blah, blah, blah, blah. But when a freakin' P.A. Figures out how to bang the leadin' lady, buddy, that is somebody I want to be in business with. And that's you, big fella. Ha ha ha ha! Hee hee hee hee! Whoo! Yeah! Ok, Dawson... tell me a story. Dawson: Ok. So, we open in a teenager's bedroom, walls plastered with movie posters. Mr. Newman: Now, wait. This isn't one of those movies about makin' movies, is it? Dawson: No. Not at all. Not really. Mr. Newman: Well, either it is or it isn't. Dawson: Well— Mr. Newman: all right. Never mind. Go ahead. Dawson: Ok. So, on the bed-- boy and a girl. Both 15. They've been best friends for as long as they can remember. Mr. Newman: Are they, you know-- [Clicks tongue] Dawson: No. Mr. Newman: Huh? Dawson: Uh, not yet. Mr. Newman: I got ya. Let the audience get a little wet first. I like this. This is good. Dawson: Yeah. So, uh, they're in the bedroom, and they're talking about movies. Mr. Newman: Wait a minute. I gotta ask you somethin' here. Uh, is this a horror movie? Dawson: No, not at all. This is a coming-of-age story. Heather: Actually, Larry, it's a teen s*x comedy...with heart. American pie meets stand by me. Mr. Newman: But it's got s*x, right? [Dawson looks at Heather, and she nods to him] Dawson: Sure. Yeah. Mr. Newman: Good. See, this is interesting. Friends will come and friends will go, but I say... there's always room for a movie in which teenage girls take their clothes off. All right, let's cut to the chase, pally. My ass is on fire here. Hmm-unh! Dawson: Um, ok. Here--here's the part of the story that I think you'll find the most interesting. Our main character thinks of himself as one of the good guys. He's always tryin' to do the right thing, and it always gets in the way when it comes to girls. Um, so it's--it's really interesting to watch him go through this moral dilemma when he meets this girl at school that he really likes, but it turns out that she's... [He sees that he is starting to lose him] Dawson: A...stripper. Mr. Newman: Stripper? Yeah, student by day, stripper at night. See, I've--I've seen this probably 100 times, but I'll be damned if I wouldn't stay up till 3 A.M. To watch it on skinemax. And you cast one of those hot little past-her-prime starlets who's willing to show off her new boob job, you got yourself a mini-blockbuster on your hands. This is good. This is real good. I like this. You got yourself a deal. Peter: It's the best pitch I've heard in, uh... a long time. Dawson: Well, you guys want to hear the rest of it? I mean, that's just a very small part of it. Mr. Newman: Let me give you a little advice, pally. When somebody tells you, you got yourself a deal, you zip it. You know, you nod, you smile, and you look grateful. You do not say another word. Another word can only do you harm. You know what I'm sayin'? [He looks at Peter who nods and him then to Heather who also nods at him] Dawson: Absolutely. Mr. Newman: Outstanding! Ok. Listen, we'll figure out the beats after lunch. In the meantime... tell me a little more about Natasha. [Laughs lasciviously] Huh? Boom. [Continues laughing] Whoo! [Scene: Pacey's office. Pacey is on a headset phone talking to one of his clients, while pacing behind his desk.] Pacey: I hear what you're saying, Walter. I'm just not willing to push it that hard. Look, I just don't have the numbers, ok? Well, when? Ok, hold on a second. Let me ask my secretary. Hey, Jo— [Joey walks in with a folder.] Joey: Are you looking for this, Mr. Witter? Pacey: Yes, as a matter of fact. When did this come in? Joey: Um, well, I didn't want to inundate you with information. Pacey: Good thinking. [Sighs] Ok, Walter, I got it right in front of . Shoot. Walter? Joey: Oh, I pressed a button when I came in here. I thought it was hold. Pacey: That's ok. That's fine. We can just get him on the line again. Ha ha. You know, Jo, you're such a smart girl, I honestly thought this was gonna be a little easier for you. Joey: Well, I kind of made it a point not to learn secretarial skills. Pacey: You might've wanted to mention that earlier. Joey: Well, if I'm too good at it, then no one will ever let me do what I really want to do. Pacey: I find that very hard to believe, Miss Potter. [The mystery woman, from the earlier episodes, walks into Pacey's Office.] Pacey: Hi. Sadia: Hi. Pacey: What are you doing here? Sadia: Well, your secretary wasn't at her desk, so I hope it's ok— Pacey: That's fine. She's, uh, that's-- she's there. Sadia: Oh. Ok, well, here. You wouldn't mind hangin' this up for me, would you? [She hands her coat to Joey] Joey: Do you have an appointment, Miss? Sadia: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do. [Rich comes walking into Pacey's office] Rich: Uh, this is Sadia Shaw, pace, the reporter I was tellin' you about. Pacey: Of course. Sadia: Pleased to meet you again. So, I guess the rumors I've been hearing are true, Pacey. You're certainly moving up in the world. Joey: So you guys know each other? Sadia: Not entirely, but I guess that's what the interview's for. Pacey: I guess so. [Chuckles] Rich: [Laughs] Pacey: Hey, is there anything we can get you to make you more comfortable? Jo, would you mind grabbin' us a pot of coffee? Joey: Sure, Mr. Witter. I will get right on that. I will just whip up a batch. Sadia: [Sweetly] Thank you. Pacey: Yeah, thank you. [Joey leaves them.] Pacey: Why don't you step in, make yourself more comfortable. [Scene: A Studio Set. Todd is shooting a music video for a gothic Rock Band. The band is singing on the set, while Todd is watching on as they film. Dawson walks in and stays in the back of the room watching the band shot their video.] [Group performing Goth rock] Todd: And cut! Gentlemen, Satan himself would be proud! All right, let's take a break. [The band breaks, and Todd makes his way over to one of the women] Todd: You have no idea how...[Whispering] Girl: Yeah, yeah. [Giggles] [Dawson makes his way over to Todd] Todd: What the hell are you doin' here? Dawson: Moral quandary. You got a minute? Todd: Bollocks, leery. You're like some bloody little angel that pops his head up over my shoulder every time I'm about to engage in meaningless s*x with a comely extra. You are a bloody moral quandary. Girl: Excuse me. I'm in the band, Todd. Todd: My apologies, love. Can you ever forgive me? [to Dawson] Sure this can't wait 5 minutes? Girl: 5 minutes? Gee, what a treat. [Todd laughs] [Scene: Pacey's Office . Sadia is interviewing Pacey and Rich as they are sitting in Pacey's office.] Sadia: So, rich... would you say that Pacey's arrival and your rise in profitability had a direct correlation? Rich: Well, let's not get crazy here. We all know how unpredictable the market is. It just so happens we also started to push a new stock around that time, and it did very well for us. Sadia: And that would be Stepatech. Pacey: Yes, and as a matter of fact, I was the first person who went out with Stepatech. Rich: Yeah, that's correct. Pacey was the first. Joey on intercom: Excuse me, Pace. Uh, Jack's on one. Pacey: That's ok. You can hold all my calls. Thanks. Joey: Even from your roomie? Pacey: Yes, even my roommate. Joey: Oh, ok. My bad. Carry on. Pacey: I apologize for that. It's her first day. Sadia: I understand. This must be quite a coup for you, Pacey, having an assistant. I heard that until recently you were a cook. Pacey: Yeah, actually. I did dabble for a while in the food service industry, but I'm quite— [The phone begins to squeal. And Pacey begins beating on the keys, and picks up the receiver and hangs it back up and it stops] Pacey: Ahem. The button's stick on those sometimes. I apologize. Where was I? Rich: I wish I could remember. I was riveted. [Joey comes in with a tray of coffee] Joey: Fresh coffee? Pacey: Great. You can just put it on the desk. Joey: Pacey takes tons of sugar in his coffee. Otherwise, he can't drink it. You know, he puts sugar in his fruity pebbles. Can you believe it? Pacey: Ah, ha! All right. Thanks for your help, miss potter. That'll be all. Joey: And how do you take yours? Sadia: Uh, just a splash of cream-- nonfat, if you have it, please. Thank you. Joey: Of course. [Joey pours the cream on the pant leg of Sadia.] Joey: [Gasps] Oh, god! [All talking at once] Joey: Oh, my god. Sorry, sorry. Sadia: Ohh! You know what? I can get it. Joey: I'm so sorry. Sadia: I got it. Rich: Witter, uh, why don't we... continue this interview in my office? I'm sure you'll be more comfortable there. It's much bigger. [Rich and Sadia leave Pacey's office.] Pacey: It was an accident. Pacey: Really! An accident. Now, why do I find that so hard to believe? Pacey: You better get goin'. You don't want to miss your 15 minutes of fame. [Scene: The Video Set. Dawson and Todd are talking while the rest of the crew is off getting ready for the next shoot.] Todd: I don't understand what you're so torn up about, mate. A job is a job. Work begets work. Do you know what I mean? Dawson: Yeah. I just... have a really hard time doing something that I don't believe in. I learned so much workin' for you in the re-shoots and everything, but I lost a chunk of my soul in the process. Todd: You're such a bloody drama queen, Leery. The trick is to keep workin' so one day you get to a point where you can write your own ticket. Dawson: But what if by the time you get there, you don't know who the hell you are anymore? Todd: You ask yourself what kind of filmmaker you want to be. Me, I'm a journeyman. I go where the jobs are. Dawson: Ahh, maybe I'm just not cut out for any of this. Todd: Oh, I see. So this is that bit where I give you a bit of a lift, is it? No. 'Cause I'm not gonna do it... even if you are a talented little bugger, even if you are light-years ahead of where I was at your age. Dawson: All right, all right. That's enough. [Todd takes some money out of his pocket and hands it to him] Dawson: What's that? Todd: Go make a movie. Dawson: With 10 bucks? Todd: It's a start. Look, if you're not willing to do it their way, with their money, then don't cash the check. Write your own. Sometimes, with a little bit of money and a lot of faith, you can almost will an entire movie into existence. That's what I did. Dawson: How'd it turn out? Todd: It was rubbish... but it got me here. Here I am, doing the devil's work in sunny Los Angeles. Listen, mate, I know no matter what you do... you're gonna do it with heart and balls and swagger. And that is all that matters in this world. Remember that. Go on, get outta here. Go change a diaper or somethin'. [Scene: Pacey's Office. It is the end of the day and Joey comes in and places a file down on Pacey's desk, who is just sitting there thinking.] Pacey: Well, what was that earlier? Joey: How do you know that woman? Pacey: The reporter? I've met her once... at a function. Months ago. I didn't even know her name. Joey: Why does that not shock me? Pacey: We were never formally introduced. I mean, would it have killed you to have acted professionally today? Joey: Come on, Pacey. You guys are pigs. I mean, according to caveman standards, I'm not the professional type. Pacey: And what type is that? The type that can pour a cup of coffee without painting it all over the walls? Because you're not that type. Joey: That's all an assistant is to you, isn't it? Just some chick who pours coffee. Pacey: I didn't realize that you wanted to be a career assistant. Joey: Why do you think rich fired Marcy? 'Cause she's over 30. Have you ever even noticed the assistants here? Pacey: I feel like there's no good way to answer that question. Joey: They look like the maxim girls of the office out there. Pacey: I guess I'd never noticed. Because when I come here, it's to do my job. Which I was actually pretty good at until you came here and sabotaged me. Joey: Get real, Pacey. All I'm asking for is a little respect, a little human kindness. Pacey: But you see, that's the whole point. I don't have to respect you or be kind to you. You're my secretary. Joey: Oh, that's the whole point? You regressed— Pacey: Woman! You are wrecking my head. Could you not just accept the temporary and come with a smile and maybe a little grace? Joey: No. Not if this is how you plan on treating your future assistants. Frankly, Pacey, I'm beginning to understand the nickname. Pacey: What nickname? Joey: They call you witless. Pacey: Who calls me witless? Joey: I think that would be unprofessional of me to disclose such information. Pacey: Where was that professionalism when you were pouring cream down the reporter's leg? Joey: Oh, please. Don't say "reporter" like you haven't burned that girl's name into your memory. Pacey: You know, I don't think this is the proper arena to vent your jealousy. Joey: Jealous?! Hardly. Ok, yeah. I might've had some sort of psychotic lapse, but that was odd, really, because... why would I be jealous? Pacey: I don't know. Joey: It's not like you'd ever be attracted to the shrewd business type, right? Pacey: Well, what does it matter? 'Cause you're not jealous. Right? You know what? I'd like to issue an apology. Take a letter, would you? [She looks at him, like can he be serious.] Pacey: You're gonna need a pen and paper. [He hands her a pad and pen.] Pacey: Dear...Miss...Shaw... it was...wonderful... to see you this afternoon. No, no. Go back. It was lovely to see you again. However, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my secretary's behavior. Because, you see, she's new... and very bad. [He gets up and walks towards her as he is dictating.] Joey: I missed the last part. It was something moronic followed by something inane. [At this point She puts down her pen and walks over to stand right in front of him. They stare each other down, and then jump into each other's arms kissing passionately. The go over to the couch in his office and lie down on it. Pacey rips off his jacket and they begin making out on the couch, when Rich walks into Pacey's office.] Rich: I'm, uh, headed out, Witter. [They stop and stare up at him] Rich: Jeez, man. At least I waited a week with mine. [Rich just shakes his head and walks out, and Pacey looks down at Joey.] Pacey: Pigs. We're all pigs. Joey: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Gram's Dining room. Jen, Grams and CJ are sitting at the table eating, but no one is talking to one another. Jen and CJ are sitting across from one another, but making a point not to look at each other.] Grams: Whatever is the matter with you two? Jen: C.J. Thinks I'm a slut. I do not. Grams: Why would you think such a thing, Jennifer? Jen: Because he pretty much said so. CJ: No, I didn't. Grams: Well, C.J., Why do think Jennifer feels this way? CJ: Well, she seemed to like having s*x right up until the moment she started having s*x with me. Jen: That's not true. Grams: I see the problem here. Jen: You do? Grams: Mmm. C.J., Jennifer is attempting for the very first time in her young life to have a full, well-rounded relationship with a boy. And, Jennifer, C.J.'S problem is that he, like any young man of pure heart and good intention, is worried that you will always be more attracted to the rakes of this world. Jen: Well, you can tell C.J. That nice pecks and a good 6-pack only go so far. CJ: And you can tell Jennifer that what she just said didn't make me feel the slightest bit better. [Mumbling] I have nice pecks. Grams: Jennifer? Jen: You can tell C.J. That the best s*x that I've ever had in my life has been with him. CJ: That'll do. You can tell Jen that... I'm sorry if I made her feel bad... and...that I was never insinuating that she'd be of questionable morality. And that I will snuggle with her anytime she wants. Grams: Well. I think my work is done here. I have peace to broker elsewhere in bean town. [Grams gets up and leaves them alone.] Jen: I'm so sorry. CJ: No. No. I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry about wantin' to have s*x with you. I mean, that's just how it is. That's how it's always gonna be. Jen: You promise? CJ: Oh, I promise. Jen: Ooh. [Chuckles] I think I'm in the mood. CJ: [Chuckles] In the mood for what? Jen: [Sighs] No, it just passed. CJ: No. N--I--uh... I'm just kiddin'. Jen: Shall we, then? [They quickly make their way upstairs] [Scene: Mr. Newman's Office. They are in another meeting to wrap up the plans for the movie. Mr. Newman has just finished looking over some of the plans as the rest look on.] Mr. Newman: Well, I think we're in pretty good shape here. Just make sure... that the fire at the strip club is spectacular. I mean-- whoosh! All right? Now, have you, uh... thought about a title, Dawson? Dawson: A ti--uh, no. I haven't, actually. Mr. Newman: I got one for you. Sunset stripped. Dawson: Sunset stripped. Mr. Newman: What do you think? Dawson: I...um... think it's very clever. Economical... yeah, works well. Uh, you know, bein' that her--her name is Sunset. Mr. Newman: And I think it'll help with the foreign, too. Which reminds me-- a minimum of 3 nude scenes, please? That's not including the scenes in the strip bar. I want this picture to be wall-to-wall boobs. Ok? This is gonna be a very good picture. My friends, thank you. That's it. Congrats on a great meeting. Heather: Thanks Dawson. Peter: Attagirl. Mr. Newman: Very good. Good work. Let's go. Nice goin', everybody. [Dawson remains seated as every gathers together looking at the plans. He has a troubled look on his face]] Dawson: You know what? Um, excuse me. I'm sorry. Mr. Newman: Well, what is it? Out with it. Dawson: I came in here the other day because I wanted to tell a story about... something small, something personal, something I've been... tryin' to figure out for quite some time. I wanted to write about growing up... and why it's so hard. And... I wanted to write about falling in love and why it can't last, but at the same time, how it lasts forever. And somehow, that got twisted into a story about a stripper. I--I guess what I'm tryin' to say is, I can't do this. I appreciate the--the offer and the confidence... but... I just wouldn't feel right taking your money. Mr. Newman: Are you absolutely sure about this? Dawson: [Sighs] Yeah. Yeah, I am. [Mr. Newman turns from Dawson and looks at Heather] Mr. Newman: All right, put together a directors list. I want to get somebody on this by the end of the week. Mr. Newman: [To Dawson] Nice knowin' you, kid. The best of luck to you, huh? Dawson: [Chuckles softly] Mr. Newman: All right. Here. Got somebody here in mind. This is somebody we could call. [Happy with himself Dawson leaves the office] [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Joey is finishing up her shift at the bar that evening, when Pacey comes walking in and goes over to join her.] Joey: Hey, Mr. Witter. What can I get you? Pacey: Oh, nothing, actually. I'm kinda partial to this jacket. Joey: Not the best of first days, I'll admit. Pacey: No. But I'm of the opinion that some worlds should never collide. Plus, how are you ever gonna take me seriously— [Joey goes to take a large tray into the back but Pacey stops her Pacey: I got it—now that you know the guys call me witless? Joey: Yeah, and my whole jealousy act really didn't showcase my best features. Pacey: Actually, you know, I kinda liked that part. Joey: You were just hoping she and I would wrestle. Pacey: What kind of man do you take me for? Joey: I guess I'm just not used to office combat. I'm more of a drunk wrangler. Pacey: That's good news, actually, because I wanted to tell you, don't quit your night job. Joey: What do you mean? Pacey: Well, I mean that under no circumstances do I ever want to see you in my place of work again, regardless of how hot you look in pinstripes. Joey: You're firing me? Pacey: Y-yeah, but, I mean, c-can you think of any better solution? Joey: Is this because of the whole coffee thing, Pacey? Because I can make coffee. And I can serve it and everything. I'm nothing if not a professional server. Pacey: It's not about the coffee thing. Ok? Joey: Then what's it about? Pacey: Jo, how can you expect me to concentrate if you're around all day? Joey: Am I really that much of a distraction, Pacey? I mean, my desk is outside of your office. You can't even see me. Pacey: But I know you're there. And I would not have come as far as I have if you were 5 feet away from me all the time. I just wouldn't. Trust me. Joey: Really? And why is that? Pacey: Ok, now you're just milkin' this for all it's worth, aren't you? Fine. [Sighs] I wouldn't have been able to concentrate because every time you're 5 feet away from me or 25 feet away from me, for that matter... there's really only one thing that I want to do. Joey: Do tell. [They kiss passionately] Joey: I'm sorry, Mr. Witter. I don't think I can work for you anymore. Pacey: Fine. Just remember that I fired you. Joey: No, no. I quit. You have to let me keep my dignity. Pacey: Ok, but if I fire you, then you get severance pay. Joey: Oh. Well, just remember, you'll never find another girl like me. Pacey: I prefer to think of my secretaries as women, but ok. Joey: Well, enough of that. I think we can both agree that this wasn't the best idea. Pacey: No doubt. My current thinking is that relationships make terrible platforms for multi-tasking. Joey: Pity, that. I was looking forward to seeing you on a regular basis. Pacey: We'll just have to make a point to make more time, then, won't we? [Chuckles] You almost done here? Joey: I just have to close up the register. Pacey: Well...that's excellent, 'cause, you know, I was thinking... I just happen to live right across the street. Joey: I was thinking that, too. Pacey: Really. What a coincidence. Joey: I'll be right there. I'll see you soon. Pacey: Hey. You don't think there's any chance you might be willing to wear that secretary's outfit— Joey: You had your chance. Pacey: We'll talk about that later. [He leaves and Joey goes back to cleaning. She is cleaning for a while when a voice from behind that she recognizes, startles her.] Eddie: Hey. Joey: Eddie. [Cut at Joey just staring at Eddie]

Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who agrees to be Pacey's temporary assistant? A: their mutual jealousy; Q: What leads to disaster in the office? A: Dawson; Q: Who sells his idea for a coming-of-age movie? A: the studio; Q: What wants to change Dawson's movie? A: a teen sex film; Q: What does the studio want to change Dawson's movie into? A: his original concept; Q: What does Dawson have to decide whether to stick with? Summary: Joey agrees to be Pacey's temporary assistant but their mutual jealousy leads to disaster in the office. Dawson sells his idea for a coming-of-age movie, but when the studio wants to change it to a teen sex film, he must decide whether to stick with his original concept.

Dwight: [cell phone rings] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. [phone keeps ringing] Hello? Jim: [presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight. Dwight: Hello? Hello? Jim: Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second... Dwight: Jim, what are you doing? Jim: And how many would you like? Dwight: Uh, uh, hang that up right now. Ha- Jim: Absolutely. We can get that out to you immediately. Dwight: [into Jim's headset] This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [cell phone rings] K, fine. I'll just let it go to voicemail. Jim: [presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight. Pam: Hey, is this Dwight? Jim: Yes it is. Pam: Oh my goodness, you sound sexy. Jim: Oh, thank you. I've been working out. Dwight: Woah, woah, woah, Pam! Pam: Have you? Dwight: Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim. Pam: Dwight? Dwight: No! [waves arms] Pam, I'm over here! Pam: I'm confused... Dwight: Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece. Jim: Can't do that. Unsanitary. Dwight: Ugh! Okay, you know what? Fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. [presses buttons on his cell phone] Done. Jim: [office phone rings at Jim's desk] This is Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Oh, and I forwarded his desk phone to mine. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Oh, hello Mater. Good news[/b]: I've married. Tell Fater. [hangs up] Such a nice woman. Dwight: [slams cell phone on desk] Argh! Ahh!! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy... There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Morning. Michael: Mornin'. [to camera] So here we go, just a matter of hours now, until his horribleness has left the building. I'm going to set my watch alarm... And... [watch beeps] [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Good morning, Kelly. Kelly: I can't believe this is your last day. How do you feel? Toby: Fine. Good. Kelly: I feel weird. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: First thing on the agenda-actually, the only thing on the agenda, is the status of Toby's going away party. Angela: We have a buttercream cake and a slideshow of Toby. Michael: Okay. Angela: But so far we only have two pictures of him. Michael: Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and uh, we need to do something very very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets... Pam: Do you mean, leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans' funeral? Michael: If the Devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have? Angela: Michael... Michael: Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, toga- Angela: No. You know-no! Michael: Toga! Angela: You always do this! We have a nice, modest party planned, and then you come in and demand the world. Let me be clear. There is simply no money for anything other than a cake and to develop a few more slides... although Toby won't be in them. Michael: I thought that you might say that. [takes off his shoe; hums; takes out cash from shoe] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year... uh, as Nana starts to... but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn't know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. "Michael, buy a motorcycle." So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this... ugly weight holding me down, you know?... I want an antigravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around. Pam: So how much antigravity potion do you want? Angela: No! No! You know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore! And I don't want your foot money, and I feel uncomfortable participating. Michael: Phyllis, can you do this? Phyllis: [whispers] Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hi, can I help you? Holly: Hi. Yes, uh, I'm Holly Flax. I was told to ask for a Mr. Flenderson? [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: As part of my last day I'm training the new Human Resources rep in the ways of the company. Again, the company has allotted for this training-one day. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: So this is H.R. This is your desk. Holly: I love the view. Toby: Yeah, it's great, isn't it? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. [kisses Jim on cheek] Jim: Hey... What? Pam: Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design. Jim: No way! What did I say? I said that they'd love those sketches. Congratulations! Pam: Oh, thank you! I don't know why I doubted it, because I'm so clearly awesome! Jim: Yes! So when do you start? Pam: I don't know, I didn't read it carefully, I just saw "congratulations" and I skimmed the list, I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack. Jim: Wow. Busy morning. Pam: So, you know it means I have to go to New York for three months... Jim: It's not a big deal. I'll come visit you. And you'll visit me. It's only two hours away. It'll be fine. That part's gonna suck, but it'll be great. Pam: Yeah, it sucks, but it'll be great. Jim: See how easy that is? Pam: Ohh... [they hug; she laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either. So, the timing's perfect... And that is the first time I've ever used the word "perfect" in here! [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Hey, Stanley... Stanley: Hmm? Toby: I want to introduce you to... Michael: [watching from his office] Toby's replacement. Ugh. Wow. Dwight: So what do we know about her? Michael: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already. Dwight: I hate her too. Michael: Why do you hate her? Dwight: Because she... stinks... with her... ways... and her... head. Michael: You know, Dwight, sometimes... I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me. Dwight: Would that be such a bad thing? Michael: Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do? Dwight: What? Michael: We need to sell her an elevator pass. Dwight: But our, our elevator doesn't require a pa... [gasps] Michael: Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Hi. Are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines? Woman over speakerphone: Antigravity machines? Phyllis: That's right. Yeah. Woman over speakerphone: What do they do exactly? Phyllis: They make you feel lighter... Woman over speakerphone: Antigravity... Um... Anti...depressants? I could put you through to someone on that. Phyllis: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [knock on door] Yeah. Toby: Hey Michael. Michael: Oh, hey, do you still work here? Toby: I'd like to introduce you to my replacement. Michael: Nah. Toby: Come on. Michael: No. I think I will pass. Toby: Michael Scott, this is Holly. Holly: Hi. Michael: Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here[/b]: my job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I. And only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert[/b]: I'm gonna win. Holly: Man, someone doesn't like H.R. Michael: Yeah. Holly: [to Toby] What did you do to him? Toby: Nothing. Michael: T-No. He tortured me... with his awfulness. Holly: Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files. Um, well look, I'll let you get back to work, but I-I really look forward to working with you, Mr. Scott. Michael: Y-You can-Michael. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [shaking Holly's hand] The pleasure's all mine. Holly: Oh, thanks. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here. Creed: Any time. Holly: What do you do here? Creed: ...Excuse me. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. "What do I do?"... Really, what do I do here? I should've written it down. "Qua" something, uh... qua... quar... quibo, qual...quir-quabity. Quabity assuance! No. No, no, no, no, but I'm getting close. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [whispering] Have you been introduced to Kevin? Holly: No. Which one's Kevin? [they glance over at Kevin subtly, who is stifling a giggle] Dwight: He's here on a special work program. He's slow, you know, in his brain. Holly: Oh. Good for you guys. Dwight: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Accounting department, listen up. Holly, Human Resources. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. [accountants mumble hellos] Holly: Hello. Hello. [to Kevin] Hi. Kevin: Hi. Holly: What do you do? Kevin: I do the numbers. Holly: Oh, good for you. Kevin: Do you want a M&M? Holly: Oh, no, that is so sweet. But thank you though. Kevin: Yeah. I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them. Holly: Well that is a very safe place for them. Kevin: Yeah. Michael: Here she is! Holly... You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath of her. So-I know. Oh, sorry. Question, are you real, or are you a Hollygram? Holly: Oh... [laughs along] Nice, I've never heard that one before actually. Michael: I bet. Holly: That's good. Michael: I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off? Holly: No, no, I... Michael: Oh... What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in? Holly: Ooh, uh... Michael: You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player? Holly: Um... Y-yeah. Okay. Michael: All right. Holly: Thanks. Michael: Yep. Holly: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Do you like it? It's a photo of everyone in the office. So you can take it to Costa Rica. Toby: You're-you're not in it. Pam: Well I was taking the picture. Toby: I love it. I love it... I would love a picture of the two of us, to also take to Costa Rica. Pam: Sure, do you have a camera here? Toby: No, uh... [shouts] Does anyone have a camera here? [no one answers him] No one has a camera here. Uh... Pam: Okay... Toby: I'm gonna... I'll go get one. Stay. [runs out of the office] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on the phone] So I just got the fax closing the sale, and uh, it's big. It is really big. Ryan: Congratulations! Jim: Thanks. Ryan: Don't interrupt. Jim: I just- Ryan: Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website? Jim: No, I didn't. I just logged it in right here, so... Ryan: All right, try to be a team player here, Jim. Log it in the website. Jim: All right, well it already went through, so... Ryan: Don't worry about that. Just re-log it. [hangs up] Jim: Hello? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [listening to "Crash Into Me" on his computer] Hmm... Jim? [Jim comes into his office] I am downloading some N3P... Jim: That's not it. Michael: Music... Jim: Yeah. Michael: For a CD mix tape... Jim: Close. Michael: For Holly. Jim: Mmhmm. Michael: And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels. Jim: What are the two levels? Michael: The two levels being, uh, "Welcome to Scranton"... Jim: Mmhmm. Michael: And "I... love you." Jim: Okay. Let's start with the "I love you" level. Michael: Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2? Jim: Yes. You don't love Holly. Michael: I think I do. Jim: But you just met her. Michael: Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears. Jim: Oh, okay, it doesn't work like that. Michael: Well, you're not a romantic. Jim: Actually, I think I am. And I have a little bit of experience in office romance. Michael: Oh really? Jim: Yeah. Michael: Like, with who? Jim: We've been through this. Michael: Pam? Jim: Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow. Michael: Yeah, you took it too slow. Jim: Well, we're really happy. Michael: This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me. Jim: And that's really sweet. And you can think that. But you don't say that out loud, and you definitely don't say it to her. Michael: I don't want her to get away. Jim: I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, the first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was, in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and, I remember that. The first time we kissed even, was right outside, and... Look, all I'm saying is that you can get to know someone really really well, like I did, right here at work. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I was thinking... fireworks for the party. What do you think? Phyllis: Oh boy. I appreciate your help, but I can't... Jim: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just meant I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party. Phyllis: Why would you do that? Jim: Because I'm gonna miss Toby. Yep, he's a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right. It doesn't matter. Here ya go. [hands her an envelope with money in it] Phyllis: Really? Jim: Well we all want a good party, right? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I'm going to propose tonight. Holy crap! [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Hey Kevin. Kevin: Hi. Holly: Do you need some help? Kevin: I can't decide what to get. Holly: Well, what do you like to eat? Kevin: Well I like pretzels, but, I really like chips. Holly: Hmm. Well how much money do you have there? [looks at the change in his hand] Okay, let's see... fifty... Oh, this is a button. Okay. Fifty-five, sixty-five, okay, you have seventy-five cents. So, that means you could get anything up in the top row. Kevin: Hmm... [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I'm totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on phone, leaving a message] Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you know what? I really don't care, because you're trying to get rid of me. And I bet you don't think I care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what? I'm not going anywhere. [hangs up and exhales sharply] [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: [tool clicking] Damn it! Michael: Hello, Holly. [Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces] Woah, what are you doing? You don't, uh, you don't have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That's how we buy them actually. Holly: Oh, I'm trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby's chair and... that made this up/down lever thing not work, and then I took the whole chair apart, and that... is the story of me on the floor. It's pretty good, right? You know, I'm gonna sell the movie rights. Michael: And the sequel, "Woman Stands at Desk and Works." So, I have no idea how you, [he sits on the floor] how you sit like that. Holly: Yoga. Michael: [as Yoda] Sit on floor and put together chair we will. [laughs nervously] Yo-da. Um... Holly: [as Yoda] Pass curvy metal piece, you will. Michael: So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I'm not-I'm not... I'm not gonna be in town. I'm going out of town. Holly: Ohh, so you can't make my orgy? Kidding! Michael: Kidding. [overdramatically] Acting! Holly: [overdramatically] Acting! Michael: [overdramatically] Acting! Holly: [laughs] Lovitz. Michael: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I did it! [exhales] Jim: What'd you do? Michael: I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know... not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point. Jim: Wow. Okay, so how'd that feel? Michael: It was hard. I wanted to kiss her. Jim: Oh, I'm so glad you didn't. Michael: Whew, oh God. [inhales] Laying a base. Laying a base... Jim: There you go. There's plenty of base-laying left, right?... Hey. Hey! Michael: [giddy] Yeah... [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Hello Angela. Angela: Phyllis, you look like you're gonna have a heart attack. Phyllis: Can I get a list of your vendors? Angela: I shredded it. Phyllis: Why would you do that? Angela: Gosh, I just don't know. Why do you think? Phyllis: [knocks files off desk] Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [Michael and Holly are still working on the chair] What'd you guys do? Michael: Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don't you go home, and come back for the party? Toby: Well, we still have to do the exit interview. Michael: Yes we do. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'll let you in on a little secret[/b]: I've been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin'. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [Michael hands him a present] Wow, thanks, Michael, I... Michael: Can I just say that, of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend. Holly: [enters conference room] Hello. Michael: Hey! Hi, good to see you. Holly: You too. Michael: I'm just having a little exit interview. Holly: Yeah, I know, that's why I'm here. Michael: Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don't you take a tour? Have you seen the baler? Holly: No, no, I'll look at it later. It's part of my job. Michael: Okay. Pam: [enters conference room] Did you need me to take notes? Toby: Hi Pam. Stay. Pam: Okay. Michael: Um... Alright, well then, I will proceed. [takes out note cards] I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. Um... Who do you think you are? Toby: I'm Toby. Michael: Yeah. Correct. Um... What gives-what-what gives you the right? Holly: Um, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look? Michael: Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I'll take a little look-see. Holly: Here you go. Michael: Thank you. [reads] What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin? Toby: This place, um... Michael: Well, no no no no no... Toby: I've got some ideas, I guess... Michael: No no no no no. I'm not asking it. I'm just reading it out loud. Holly: Oh, I'd like to hear the answer. Toby: Well let me see... I would, uh... Michael: [hides his face from Holly; whispers to Toby] I'll kill you. Toby: I guess everything's okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: I made it this far, right? What's the point? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Toby, why don't you open your present? Michael: Oh, no no no, no, no. No, this-hey, hey, hey, hey, this might not be what I think... that I don't even know is in there, because there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don't know which is which... Toby: [unwraps present; present is a rock with a Post-It note rubber-banded to it; reads] "Suck on this." Michael: What the hell is that? Pam: Michael... Michael: That's... What do you mean, "Michael"? That's not even my handwriting. [exits conference room] Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?! Dwight: You did. Michael: No! Dwight: You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just- [Michael slams conference room door in his face] Michael: Okay, you know what that is? You know what that is? That is... a psyche. Psyche. So, that is not my real gift to Toby. Pam: So what is your gift? Michael: My gift is forthcoming, Pam. Pam: What is it? Michael: I am going to give Toby... Pam: Your watch? Michael: ...Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that? Pam: I just knew. Michael: How did you know? Holly: Oh that is so sweet. Michael: Well... That's my watch. Toby: Thanks, I'm gonna set it to Costa Rica time. Michael: Hey, that's good. Creed: [from outside the conference room] Hey, it's the kid! Look, look, look, look, look! [Michael, Toby, Holly, and Pam exit the conference room] Hey! It's the temp! Look! [everyone is crowded around Jim's computer] Dwight: Oh my gosh. Creed: It's the temp! [all are watching a YouTube video of Ryan being escorted out of Dunder Mifflin corporate offices by policemen] Pam: Is that the police? Dwight: Yes. Creed: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Well this is what happened: uh, Ryan's big project was the website... which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice[/b]: once as office sales, once as website sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as "misleading the shareholders." Another good term is "fraud." The real crime, I think, was the beard. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [still watching video of Ryan] Oh my God. Ryan... Oh my God. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, "Hi Ryan." And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, "Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison." [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan? Pam: Absolutely. [dials and hands Jim receiver] Jim: [clears throat] Right to voicemail. [into phone] Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail, because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck! [hangs up] [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: What's protocol on this? Toby: I normally do nothing, I guess. No, you shouldn't- [Holly knocks on Michael's door] Holly: Michael, are you okay? Michael: [voice straining] I'm just worried about my friend. Holly: Oh, of course you are. Michael: Just, I'm fine. I'm holding it together. I-I have a business to run. Holly: No, hey. Michael: I'm cool. Holly: Stop. You can let yourself be upset. He's your friend. You know what I usually find?... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [everyone exits the building to find a carnival-themed party in the parking lot] Woah! Cool! A bouncy house! Phyllis: Kevin, take your shoes off first! Michael: No antigravity machine, huh? Phyllis: Sorry, Michael, I don't think they're real. Michael: Ferris wheel's pretty cool though. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Wow. Look at our parking lot. Jim: Yeah, who'd have thought? [Pam sees fireworks being set up; smiles] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn't he? No, he's not... Is he? [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up. Michael: That's what she... a lot of places are like that. Holly: I think it's really cool you hired Kevin. Michael: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: You have it? Meredith: Almost. [she unlocks Holly's car] Dwight: Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Mose carries a raccoon in a cage] Put it in. [he puts the raccoon in the car] Michael: I like, uh... Holly: That-That's my car. Michael: Hey. What are you doing? Dwight: [Mose drops cage and runs] Mose! Michael: What the hell is going on here?! Dwight: N-nothing you need to know the details of. Michael: There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight! Dwight: N-no there's not. Michael: Why did you do that? Dwight: It was playful hazing. Michael: No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. [to Dwight] Take care of that, all right? Dwight: It's not rabid. Michael: Shh... Meredith: Thanks for bringing that up. Dwight: Get it out. Come on, get it out. Get it out. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'm really sorry. Holly: Michael, thank you so much for saying that. [puts a hand on his arm] I feel so welcome here. Michael: Yeah... Holly: I just... Um, excuse me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what... wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn't believe in showing affection, so... sometimes I don't know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh... I like it! [giggles] [SCENE_BREAK] Vance Refrigeration guy: Hey Mrs. Vance, we're all out! Phyllis: Hey, Kev, I need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbeque sauce. [Kevin nods] Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Cool! You drive your own car? Kevin: Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car? Holly: Yep. Just like you. Kevin: Okay, bye. Holly: Bye. Kevin, I'm really proud of you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [on microphone] Alright! Let's hear it for Darryl and his band. [applause] You know what? Let's also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh? Pam: [everyone applauds] Yay, Phyllis! Michael: Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? [cheers and applause] But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter. Pam: Song parody writer. Michael: I have done things like um, "Beers in Heaven." Jim: Classic. Michael: Or, "Total Eclipse of the Fart." Jim: Not my favorite, but... Pam: I like that one. Jim: It's not my favorite... Pam: I like that one. Michael: I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. [to band] Do you know, um, "Goodbye Stranger"? Supertramp? Darryl: Yeah. [music starts] Michael: [sings] It was early morning yesterday... I was up before the dawn... and I really have enjoyed my stay... Toby must be movin' on. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I'm gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [singing] Goodbye Toby, it's been nice. Hope you find your paradise... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Don't tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [singing, screaming into the mic] Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby's goin' away! See ya! He's outta here! See ya! He's outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by! [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Not bad. Michael: Oh, hey. Thanks. Holly: Someday I would love to hear "Beers in Heaven." Michael: Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It's uh, it's uh, very sexual. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Kevin. [answers] Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy. Kevin: Yeah, Michael, I'm at Gerrity's. You have to come down here. Michael: Just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back. Kevin: No, I-I brought my money. Michael, there's something that you need to see. Michael: What is it? Kevin: Just hurry. [hangs up] Holly: Is he okay? Michael: Yeah. He's at the supermarket and he needs me. Holly: Yeah well, the party, driving to the supermarket... it's a big day for him. Michael: Yeah, that's true. Don't move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? [Holly freezes; Michael laughs] No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I'll-okay, I'll be back. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Well it was good to see you. Kevin: It was great to see you, Jan. Jan: Yeah, so... Michael: O-kay. Hello Jan. Jan: Hello... Michael. Michael: Wow, Kevin, really? We're- [to Jan] Sorry. We're in the middle of a party. [to Kevin] Is this why you called me down here? Kevin: Yeah, Michael, I just uh... Jan: I... Kevin: I think you kids have a lot to catch up on. Michael: Oh, okay. Kevin: Yeah. Michael: Thanks, Kevin. Um... [Kevin walks away, revealing Jan's pregnant belly] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Wow. I can't believe it! Look at you! [Jan laughs] Are you nauseous? Jan: No. Michael: Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea, or my Accutane, did you? Jan: Uh, no. Michael: Good. Good. Thank God. Jan: I didn't... Michael: Cause that's... Jan: ... touch that. Michael: Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy... Jan: Why? Michael: Because you're pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very... Jan: Yeah, it did... Michael: ... proud. Jan: ... happen when... Michael: Um... Jan: ... we were together. That's true. And-but, you... are not... uh, you're not the dad. Michael: You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to? Jan: ...Not to. No, I did not. I did not cheat on you. I did not. Michael: Well, okay... Jan: Yeah. Michael: So it's mine, and it's not somebody else's, so... I know... the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so... Jan: I went to a sperm bank. Michael: You did? Jan: Yuh-huh. Michael: When we were going out? Jan: Uh, yeah. Michael: W-I don't understand. You always used to be very cautious... I'd wear two condoms. Jan: I know. Michael: You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than my sperm? Jan: No, no no... it's not just any sperm bank. I mean, it's really... this is a really, really great place. It's amazing, actually. I'm gonna bring you the catalogue. You should look through it. It's... and it's-in fact, it's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables. Michael: IHop. Jan: IHop. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a shot at one of 'em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Oh, that's really good. I feel so much better. I just needed to get all that out onto the table. Michael: I'm glad you told me. Jan: Look, I don't know what you're gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my Lamaze class in Allentown, and um... you could come. I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner... Michael: Um, I'll... I have to think about it. Jan: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: My whole life, I have known two things[/b]: I love s*x, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oh look, they're starting. [all watch fireworks display; scattered applause and cheers; Darryl's band plays soft music] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [to Phyllis] Well, I hope you had fun today, because you're never ever throwing a party again. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [gets engagement ring from his pocket] Hey... Andy: [on microphone] Can I have your attention please? [music stops] I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can't think of a better time than right now, with the music playing, and all our friends around, and fireworks going off... My parents are here! Andrew and Ellen Bernard. Thank you for sharing in this joyous moment. Miss Angela Martin, will you please join me onstage? [Angela shakes her head 'no'] Okay, then I will come to you, my flower. [knocks over Darryl's keyboard] Darryl: Unh! Damn it! Andy: Angela, will you do me the honor... of giving me your tiny hand in marriage? [shows her a ring] Angela: ...Okay. Andy: Into the mic, sweetie. Angela: I said, okay. Andy: She said yes! [light applause] And the crowd goes wild! Woo! [music starts playing; Jim puts his ring back in his pocket and exhales sharply] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don't know when you're gonna meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right. And tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, and everything... it was right. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Can I be your bridesmaid? Angela: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Well... it's my own fault. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Tuna! [hugs Jim; makes small explosion sound] I'm engaged! Jim: I know. That's awesome, man. That's great. Andy: Mr. Andrew Bernard... it's got a nice ring to it. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Hey. Hey, you know, I just realized uh, I don't have a picture of the two of us. Pam: Oh, yeah, um... Toby: Yeah, could we... Pam: Sure. Meredith, do you mind? Toby: [hands Meredith his camera] This one right here. Meredith: Okay. One two three- [takes picture] Oh let's do it again. Pam your smile is weird. Toby: It's digital, so just take as many as you want. Meredith: One, two three- [takes picture] One, two, three- [takes picture] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I don't know, I just, I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight... [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Hey there. Michael: Hey. Holly: So you missed something really big. Michael: Yeah? Holly: Yeah, Andy proposed to one of your accountants. Michael: Oh, wow. Holy: I'm not so specific as I can be on my first day, but... Michael: Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar. [they chuckle] Oh... Holly: So... You know, somehow after all those ribs, I'm still really hungry. I don't know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere, getting some dessert, or... Michael: Oh, um, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. Practically lives there. Holly: Okay. Kevin: I'll go to the diner with you. Holly: Oh that would be great. Kevin: Yeah, we can go eat pie. Holly: I love pie. Kevin: Me too. Holly: Okay. Michael: Have a good night. Holly: Okay. Good night. Michael: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Yeah, it was a good day. I mean, first days are always the hardest, right? Well, I should go. [Kevin is waiting in the car] I gotta buckle him in. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well this is it. I am here to see you off. Toby: Thanks... [Hank is standing next to Michael] Really, Michael? Michael: Sorry. Corporate policy. Toby: It's not. Michael: You might take something. Hank: I don't think he's gonna take anything. Michael: Okay, security guard. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [watch that Michael gave him beeps] Oh, some kind of... alarm. Michael: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [on phone, leaving a message] Hi, Jan, it's Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there's any details you need to fill me in on, like... what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I... will see you tomorrow morning. [hangs up] I am going to be... kind of a daddy. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Party planning's a real high. Like a runner's high. [gets out of elevator; hears moans and heavy breathing coming from office; opens door and sees Dwight and Angela making out] Angela: [sees Phyllis; gasps] Oh my God! Dwight: What? [turns and sees Phyllis; Phyllis gasps and drops the box in her hands]

Plan: A: Angela; Q: Who does Andy propose to? A: Michael's unreasonable demands; Q: What does Angela refuse to give in to? A: Phyllis; Q: Who takes over the party planning committee? A: a huge bash; Q: What kind of party does Phyllis throw for Toby? A: Meredith; Q: Who does Dwight haze Holly with? A: Holly Flax; Q: Who is the new HR woman? A: Amy Ryan; Q: Who played Holly Flax? A: Ryan; Q: Who is dragged from the New York office after committing fraud? A: Kevin; Q: Who does Dwight make Holly think is mentally disabled? A: a romantic connection; Q: What seems to be happening between Holly and Michael? A: Jan; Q: Who returns from Arizona pregnant? A: a sperm donor; Q: What is Jan pregnant from? A: the birth process; Q: What does Michael agree to help Jan with? A: Pam; Q: Who accepts a three month training program in New York? A: Andy; Q: Who publicly proposes to Angela? A: the office; Q: Where was Angela caught having sex with Dwight? A: Ryan's downfall; Q: What is complete? A: the website; Q: What did Ryan commit fraud related to? Summary: After Angela refuses to give in to Michael's unreasonable demands, Phyllis takes over the party planning committee and throws a huge bash for Toby's goodbye party. Dwight, with Meredith, hazes the new HR woman, Holly Flax ( Amy Ryan ), making her think Kevin is mentally disabled. Holly and Michael seem to make a romantic connection, which is cut short when Jan returns from Arizona, pregnant from a sperm donor; Michael ambivalently agrees to help her through the birth process. Pam accepts a three month training program in New York, and just as Jim is about to propose to her, Andy publicly proposes to Angela who reluctantly agrees. Angela is later caught having sex with Dwight in the office. Ryan's downfall is complete as he is dragged from the New York office after committing fraud related to the website.

BOUTIQUE CHANGING ROOM [Lorelai and Rory shopping for an interview suit for Rory] LORELAI: Oh, Moonpies. RORY: What? LORELAI: It's a wonderful part of a road trip, the stopping for Moonpies. RORY: Mom, I want to go. I can't. LORELAI: I know. I know. End of semester -- lots of work. RORY: Not lots -- tons. I'm sorry. LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. It's just... RORY: What "it's just"? LORELAI: Well, it's just, you know, a shame to miss the wedding of a woman who meant so much to you. RORY: Mom, I talked to Mia. I apologized profusely. I told her it was simply impossible for me to drop everything right now and go to North Carolina. [about the outfit] No, right? LORELAI: No. RORY: Yeah. She totally understood. LORELAI: Well, of course, she understood. She understood when I was 17 and I arrived at the inn, holding a little, tiny baby in my arms, and rain was pouring down. RORY: As long as you're not milking this. LORELAI: And she understood when you broke that teacup of hers, what was that the Wnglish rose pattern when you were 4. RORY: Okay, mom. LORELAI: Yeah, I think that was an antique, wasn't it? But, oh, she understood. RORY: Hello. Statute of limitations. LORELAI: You know why? Because she is an understanding, kind, and loving woman who loves you. That's cute. RORY: Yeah? LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: I don't know if "cute" is what I'm going for on an interview for a newspaper, but. LORELAI: Worked for Brenda Starr. Worked for Lois Lane. RORY: Ah so if I get a job as a journalist in a comic strip, this is the one. LORELAI: Oh, do you remember when we used to do road trips you know when you were little, and we'd play "I spy"? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: And you'd say, "I spy something with four wheels." And I'd be like, "is it a cow?" Dah, 'Cause that's funny and fun. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Road trips are so fun. RORY: They are, but I don't feel like I can go, especially with Logan freaking out on me. I mean he's running off to Vegas, coming home drunk, giving me attitude, not calling his dad back. LORELAI: Still? RORY: Yes, and while I'm mad at him, because he's acting this way, I just feel like maybe he's really going through something and I should be there for him. LORELAI: Oh, honey, I get it. I really do. You know, I want to take back the "cute." That's really growing on me. It's very you. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Yeah, it's very grown-up. It reeks of gravitas. It screams New York Times. RORY: Well, I need it to say more than that. I mean I'm hoping to hear from The San Francisco Chronicle, The Seattle Times, The Detroit Free Press. LORELAI: Well honey, you can't ask one suit to say so much. You know why don't you just get the suit that says something local? RORY: Mm-hmm. LORELAI: 'Cause you know those other cities are so far away, so expensive, so tiring. RORY: I know. LORELAI: And plus you can get a good cup of coffee in New York. I don't know about those other cities. They have crappy crappy coffee. RORY: You mean like Seattle? LORELAI: Mm-hmm. Oh! Waffle ranch. RORY: Missing the connection. LORELAI: Gosh, I drove through North Carolina once, and they have the most wonderful chain called "Waffle Ranch." RORY: Mum, it's not so much about the road-trip food. LORELAI: Waffle ranch kicks IHOP'S butt. RORY: Hey how come you weren't so desperate to have me come along when we got the invitation, two months ago? LORELAI: Well because two months ago, I knew you would play the homework card, so I planned to do this with your dad -- just him and me. RORY: Oh, I'm sorry. LORELAI: [Sighs] Are you sorry enough to make it up to me by going with me? RORY: I really wish I could. LORELAI: Oh. Hey, that's a winner. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Yeah, I really think you could stun them in any newspaper interview. RORY: It is a stunning suit, isn't it? LORELAI: Yep, it sure is. You know they might like you so much that they take your picture and put it in the insert for the Macy's one day sale. RORY: You really like it? LORELAI: I really do. But you shouldn't take my word for it. You need a group, a consensus. And you know where there would be a great group at Mia's wedding. RORY: Nice try. LORELAI: Oh, god. OPENING CREDITS LOGAN'S APARTMENT [Logan is sitting at the computer (a Mac by the way)] RORY: Hey, you're up. LOGAN: The shower woke me. RORY: Sorry. I'm heading to the library. I have a ton of reading to catch up on. So I thought I'd get an early start. LOGAN: Cool. RORY: You doing some work? LOGAN: No, just looking for something on YouTube. [Chuckles] You got to see this. Finn posted a little video he shot on his cell phone when we were in Vegas. It's pretty outrageous. RORY: You going in to the office today? LOGAN: I doubt it. Colin and Finn are coming over. RORY: What are you guys gonna do? LOGAN: Hang, probably. RORY: You know, Logan, I think after the library, I'm gonna catch a train back to new Haven. LOGAN: Good enough. [Knock on door, Rory answers it] RORY: Oh, hi. MITCHUM: Rory. RORY: Um, Logan's... [Mitchum walks in and picks up the phone.] MITCHUM: So, it does work. And I can assume you can get cell phone reception wherever the hell you've been. LOGAN: I was gonna call. MITCHUM: Uh-huh. LOGAN: I was just waiting until I figured out my next move. MITCHUM: Next move. I'm fascinated. What is this next move? LOGAN: I... MITCHUM: And where were you figuring it out -- by the pool, the slot machines? LOGAN: What you've been spying on me? MITCHUM: After what you pulled, you can pretty much bet I'm gonna be spying on you for the rest of your life. LOGAN: I need some time. MITCHUM: You know what you need, Logan? You need to get dressed, get cleaned up, and get your ass down to the office so you can hear what's been figured out for you! LOGAN: I'm not just another one of your employees. MITCHUM: Damn right you're not. If you were just another one of my employees, you'd be fired by now. Steven, Barry in legal are gonna sit you down, try and sort out the mess you made. Can you be there in an hour? [Mitchum leaves] RORY: [Puts her hands on her head and sighs] LOGAN: And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Mitchum Huntzberger, class-a jerk. Can you believe him? RORY: No. I mean... LOGAN: What? RORY: He was a jerk. He is a jerk. LOGAN: But? RORY: Uh, well, Logan, far be it for me to agree with your father, but you have been kind of irresponsible. LOGAN: Okay, you know what, I can't...This is really weird. RORY: What -- that I'm being honest? LOGAN: No, that you're on his side. I kind of expected a little support here. RORY: Logan, I love you, but I'm not gonna support every stupid thing that you do, okay? If you go rob a bank, what do you expect me to do? Say, "oh, that's okay, honey. I support you darling"? LOGAN: I screwed up. I admit it. What do you people want -- a friggin pound of flesh? RORY: What -- "you people"? Logan, for me, it's not that your business deal got messed up. Okay It's what you've done since then. LOGAN: What have I done? RORY: Nothing -- that's exactly my point. I mean you've not been facing the problem. You've been running from it. LOGAN: I was going crazy, Rory. I had to blow off steam. I'm trying to get my bearings here. RORY: I don't see you trying to get your bearings. I see you hiding out, and people are counting on you, your dad included. And you're not facing your responsibilities. You're -- you are being a jerk. LOGAN: Well, maybe that's who I am. Maybe I'm a jerk like my dad. You ever think of that? RORY: I'm starting to. [Rory leaves and Logan goes back to his computer] LUKE'S DINER ZACH: I highly recommend the cream of wheat today, ma'am. I don't know what it's spiked with, but it's like insane. [goes to Luke] We got a truckload of that cream of wheat back there, so I'm pushing it like crazy. LUKE: You're one sly waiter, Zach. KIRK: Not so fast. Got a little snafu with my order. ZACH: I don't see a snafu. KIRK: And that is why Lane is the pro at this job, and you will always be the amateur. ZACH: Dude I don't have a problem with that. What's wrong with your order? KIRK: Grilled-cheese platter comes with French fries and pickles. ZACH: Which I'm looking at. KIRK: Look a little closer, my friend, and you'll see that the juice from the pickles has leached over to the grilled cheese, rendering it sodden and inedible. ZACH: Well -- KIRK: I don't recall ordering grilled cheese "au jus". ZACH: Pickles have juice, dude. It's like a main law of nature. KIRK: Ah, but that's where Lane knew how to prevent this culinary catastrophe. Prior to serving the dish, she would use the French fries to build a tiny dam... ZACH: Dude, I get it. LUKE: It's all going to the same place inside that dark, strange body of yours, Kirk. Now eat it. ZACH: Lane's right. You rock as a boss. LUKE: Yeah. How's she doing? ZACH: Oh dude she is about ready to burst. LUKE: Oh, yeah? ZACH: Yeah she's like a giant piñata, just waiting for some kid to take a mallet to her stomach and free the goodies inside. LUKE: I'm thinking a doctor might be a better way to go. ZACH: Oh, hey, I almost forgot. Lane and I would like to have you over for dinner. LUKE: Oh, yeah, that sounds great. We should do that. ZACH: Great. So, how's tomorrow, 8:30? LUKE: Tomorrow? I don't know. ZACH: Okay here's the thing -- Lane asked me to ask you about tomorrow a long time ago, and I kind of forgot, so she'd be mad if you canceled last minute. LUKE: I'm not canceling -- I haven't accepted. ZACH: Well let's not get into semantics. It would just be a bummer if you bailed. 'Cause she's been cooking for like two days. LUKE: [looking please] Okay, yeah, tomorrow night -- that sounds fine. ZACH: Great! And I hope you like curry, 'cause Lane's gone curry crazy. LUKE: I'm not big on curry. ZACH: Oh, well, maybe you can pick around it. GILMORE MANSION - RICHARDS OFFICE [Lorelai and Emily at the computer] LORELAI: It's the same program as the one we used for that corporate stuff you know but a different application. 'Cause it's personal. It's simple. EMILY: For you, maybe. I couldn't figure it out. And your father was absolutely no help. LORELAI: Well, all we need to do is -- mom, you're doing it again. EMILY: I'm looking at the screen. LORELAI: I know, but you're, like, hovering. EMILY: I'm not hovering, Lorelai. "Hovering" means you're elevated off the ground. Do I look like I'm elevating? LORELAI: You seem awful tense, mom. EMILY: Of course I'm tense. Having your father around the house all the time is extremely difficult. He's just there, wandering about, like a man of leisure. LORELAI: Did he go through any of this stuff? Did he at least sign the 1040? EMILY: I don't know. LORELAI: Oh mum he has to sign some of this stuff before we can send it out you know. EMILY: He refuses to deal with anything. All he does is watch golf, pad around in his sweatsuit, and annoy me with questions about things he's misplaced. And he's getting to be a serious pain in the you-know-what. LORELAI: The nose? The ear? EMILY: Would it give you that much pleasure to hear me say "ass"? LORELAI: I wasn't sure, but, yes, it did. RICHARD: Emily! Have you seen my -- oh, hello, Lorelai. LORELAI: Hi, dad. Nice threads. Having lunch with Tony Soprano? EMILY: Don't encourage him. RICHARD: You like it? I realized that, since I was housebound, I might as well wear whatever I like. These are so comfy. Have either of you seen my putter? LORELAI: No, but we have seen this 1040 tax form. Sign it. RICHARD: Did your mother tell you I've installed a putting green in the back yard? It's great fun. EMILY: You are not going out to putt. You'll catch your death. And, Richard, would you please sign this form? RICHARD: Just leave the form. I'll sign it later. EMILY: What are you doing? The putter's not down there. LORELAI: No, but your tax form's here. Come on, dad. Sign it. [Sighs] Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. RICHARD: And, yes! There it is. EMILY: Hallelujah, we found the putter. We have a few more things we need to go over with you. RICHARD: Later today, dear. EMILY: You always say that, but you never do. And wear a hat! RICHARD: Yes, mother. EMILY: Ugh! [Lorelai's cell phone rings] LORELAI: Well, mom, he was watching golf. Now he's playing golf. That's progress. [Answering the phone] Hey, kid. RORY: I'm in. LORELAI: You're robbing a bank? RORY: The road trip -- I'm going with you to Mia's wedding. LORELAI: Wow, that's great! Are you sure? RORY: Yes, I so need to get away. I just had a huge fight with Logan. LORELAI: Oh, sweetie, why? RORY: Because he's being a complete a jerk. He won't deal with anything. And Mitchum just showed up at the apartment. LORELAI: Mitchum came? RORY: I opened the door, and there he was in a really expensive coat and all this cologne. And he yelled at Logan, and Logan yelled back. And, yes, Mitchum is jerk, but I actually agreed with him, and I told Logan that. LORELAI: You agreed with the boyfriend's dad? That's brave. RORY: I couldn't help it, mom. Logan is being immature. And I can't focus on my work, and I need to get out of here. LORELAI: Oh honey it sounds like a trip like this is just what you need. EMILY: A trip like what? LORELAI: Nothing, mom. RORY: Are you with grandma? LORELAI: Yes, it's our Thursday computer lesson. And it's no "Tuesdays with Morrie." EMILY: Where are you going? LORELAI: Mia Halloway's wedding -- Charlotte, North Carolina. RORY: I have to be back by Monday. LORELAI: That should be no problem. This is gonna be a blast! EMILY: Charlotte. LORELAI: Mia wanted me to do a toast, and I thought I could do a poem, you know like you used to do for her when you were a kid, so you have to help me. EMILY: Kiki Saltberry just came back from a spa in Charlotte. It's the Valentine Resort, I think she said, and she came back looking radiant. RORY: What is grandma saying? LORELAI: [Too Emily] We're staying at a Best Western mum. No spa facilities there. [back to Rory] So, okay, I'll pick you up at the crack of dawn. We'll cram everything in the jeep. No bathroom breaks along the way, okay? RORY: Does grandma want to come? LORELAI: No. I mean, yes, but, no. EMILY: I'd have to rearrange my schedule, but that can be done. LORELAI: Mom, you really can't leave dad all alone. EMILY: Alone, yes, completely alone, with two maids, a cook, and a nurse who comes daily. RORY: Yes, grandma should come, too. It'll be a hoot. LORELAI: It would be fun, honey, but grandma's real busy. EMILY: Rory wants me to come? LORELAI: Well... EMILY: Well, she'll be graduating soon, and I won't have many more opportunities to spend time with her. This is perfect... LORELAI: Mum... EMILY: I'm gonna start packing. LORELAI: Oh, mom. EMILY: Oh, and we'll take my car. I have no intention of driving 800 miles in an army vehicle. RORY: Shotgun? LORELAI: [Chuckles] HIGHWAY - TO CHARLOTTE [Emily is driving the Jag, there is a line of traffic behind here, honking there horns. Lorelai is in the passengers seat and Rory in the back] LORELAI: Oh, mom, if you're gonna go this slowly, you should really put your hazards on. EMILY: Excuse me, but after I almost got that ridiculous DWI, I can ill afford a speeding ticket. And a jaguar is an invitation to be pulled over. LORELAI: Right, if you're speeding. You're driving like you're in a parade. EMILY: Oh, hush. LORELAI: Mom, seriously, by the time we get there, the wedding will be over. The guests will have gone home. North Carolina will be under a sea of water from melting ice caps. RORY: "See ya." LORELAI: Huh? RORY: You could rhyme "Mia" with "see ya." LORELAI: Oh, that's good. Or "be ya." RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: You were such a peach, dear Mia, when Rory grew up, she wanted to be ya. RORY: Good. But do you think it owes too much to Yeats? LORELAI: Well, it needs some work, but you try finding something to rhyme with "Howard" besides "coward." EMILY: Howard? She's marrying a man named Howard? LORELAI: What's wrong with Howard? EMILY: It's just, for me, it would be very difficult if my husband was named Howard. RORY: Why? EMILY: It's just not a noble name. I like noble male names, strong -- john, peter. RORY: Richard. EMILY: Exactly. Richard the lion-heart. LORELAI: Well, I guess name nobility wasn't high on Mia's list. EMILY: Howard the lion-heart. [Laughs] What are you doing? LORELAI: It's stuffy. EMILY: It's too cold to have the window open. LORELAI: Mom, just let me have it down -- oh, my god. EMILY: Lorelai, stop playing with the window. LORELAI: I'm not playing. I just want it down. And you're making it go -- are you kidding me? Plea-- mother, I'm putting it -- I'm putting it -- [Gasps] Wha-- uh -- mom! EMILY: It's called a child lock, appropriately enough. LORELAI: [Sighs] EMILY: So, Rory, what do you have lined up postgraduation? RORY: Oh, I'm setting up interviews at different newspapers -- The Seattle Times, The Detroit Free Press, San Francisco Chronicle. EMILY: Well, I'm not sure about the Seattle paper, and the Chronicle is dreadful, but the Detroit paper is quite reputable. LORELAI: You know what else a reputable paper is? The New York Times, The Boston Globe, The Hartford Courant. RORY: Yes, and only a short drive away from stars hollow. LORELAI: Oh, well, that never occurred to me, but now that you mention it, yeah. EMILY: So, how does Logan feel about the possibility of your moving far away? RORY: I'm not sure. EMILY: You're not sure? RORY: No. Things with Logan are... EMILY: Are what? RORY: Uh, we're kind of going through something. EMILY: Aw, that's a shame. Such a nice young man. He was so thoughtful when your grandfather was in the hospital. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Oh, hey, the Skirf. RORY: Oh, the Skirf. EMILY: What's a Skirf? LORELAI: Well, when Rory was really little, my first sewing project was trying to make her a skirt. RORY: It was a disaster. LORELAI: It was terrible. But Mia made me feel better by putting it on Rory's head and saying I created something new, called a Skirf. RORY: Yeah. EMILY: So, do we all like show tunes? I found this marvelous CD when I took the car to be washed. MUSIC: "All the cattle are standing like statues..." LANE AND ZACH'S APARTMENT [Lane, Zach and Luke have diner] LANE: And I was put on bed rest so the babies wouldn't come out before my due date. And I look at the calendar, and I say to Zach, "Zach, it's my due date." ZACH: And I'm like, "so?" LANE: And I say, "so now I want them to come out." ZACH: And I go, "duh, let's get out of bed." [Laughter] LANE: Well I guess they can come out whenever they want, as long as we've finished our meal... [Laughter] LUKE: ...Which, by the way, was terrific, Lane. Thanks. ZACH: Yeah, she had no problem switching to a different meal when I told her about your curry issues. LUKE: Well, it's -- I just... ZACH: Whatever. LUKE: It's not really an issue. Again, look, sorry about the wine. I totally spaced. I should have brought you something sparkling, you know a fruity kind of a thing. ZACH: No, it's okay. Besides, they say one of the things you can do to help induce labor is have a glass of wine. ZACH: That or s*x. LUKE: Well, I can only help you with the wine. [Laughter] LUKE: I should get going. I got to get up early and open the diner. ZACH: Are you sure you don't want dessert? Homemade peach pie. LUKE: You made a peach pie? ZACH: Well, actually, you made it at the diner, which is technically your home, but I paid for it. LUKE: I'll have one quick piece. ZACH: Yes! LUKE: You know this is really nice of you guys. ZACH: What do you expect, man? You mean a lot to Lane and me. LANE: You do. ZACH: We feel really close to you, and not just, you know, employees. LUKE: Yeah, uh, me too. LANE: When it comes to extended family, Zach and I don't have much. I mean I've got my mom, but she's not so much a family member as she is a probation officer. ZACH: Yeah and my old man ran off when I was like 10 -- no note, no nothing. So I got the feeling, you know, he didn't want me to follow him. LUKE: Mm-hmm. So, you guys need money or something? ZACH: Lane and I would like you to be godfather to our twins. LUKE: Oh, really? Godfather? LANE: We just want to make sure we have a strong parental person for our boys. LUKE: Well... ZACH: There's no paperwork involved. LUKE: Right. I just... ZACH: No notary public. LUKE: No, I know. It's just [Sighs and takes a few seconds to think.] Yeah, okay, sure. LANE: [Squeals] ZACH: Oh, man. That is so great. [Too Lane, high 5] Up high. [Then Luke] Come on. LUKE: All right. Okay. [High 5's both Lane and Zach] ZACH: There you go. WINKY'S DINER [Lorelai, Rory and Emily enter. Emily is on the phone] EMILY: No, are you listening? I've already booked a Swedish massage for 1:00. I want to know what I can do at 2:30. Good lord, no. A Watsu? Why would I want to re-experience my own birth? CHARLENE: I'll be back to take your orders. RORY: Big menus. LORELAI: Yeah, that's a good sign. RORY: Oh I love when they show pictures of the food. LORELAI: I would be upset if I was that fried chicken, though. That picture makes her look fat. EMILY: Fine. Book me a salt scrub at 2:30. Thank you. [ends call] Where on earth are we? LORELAI: Well, mom, since you wouldn't let us take you to a drive-through, we've come here to Winky's, a fine eatery just off I-85. EMILY: Very down home. CHARLENE: We ready here? LORELAI: Oh, uh, uh, I'm only halfway through. Don't tell me how it turns out. Um... EMILY: I smell cigarette smoke. This is one of those places that still allows cigarettes isn't it? LORELAI: Mom, if you'd prefer to wait in the car, we can bring food to you there. EMILY: Well that would be foolish, the reason why I refused to go to the drive-through is because I won't allow eating in my car. RORY: Hey, they have lobster. LORELAI: Lobster for $12.95. How could you go wrong? I'll have the lobster. RORY: See, you'll have lobster. I'll have shrimp. We'll make it a seafood night. EMILY: Seafood in a place like this -- very risky. LORELAI: And a hot dog. A hot dog for the table. You'll go in on that with us, won't you, mom? EMILY: I'll have a turkey sandwich on wheat and a glass of chardonnay. That's the clear one. CHARLENE: My name is Charlene. Holler if you need something. RORY: Wow, huge case of cakes behind you there. LORELAI: Ooh, yeah. Winky's got a trophy case full of cakes. Hey, I bet Mia makes her triple-layered German chocolate cake for the wedding, don't you think? RORY: Probably. EMILY: Mmm. Aromatherapy -- that's what I want. Are you sure you two won't join me for something at the spa -- facial, Moroccan mud wrap? My treat. LORELAI: Mother, we came here because we made a commitment to go to a wedding, so that's what we're gonna do. EMILY: Suit yourself. I need to use the facilities. Wish me luck. LORELAI: I love it here. And I'm totally gonna score a panda in that crane machine on the way out. RORY: Mum do you think we should dial back the talk about Mia in front of grandma? I mean I don't think she's thrilled to hear about our surrogate mother/grandmother. LORELAI: She knew that Mia is the reason for the trip. I think it's okay if we talk about her. RORY: I know, but it seems to bother her. You know and I thought, during this trip, we could do more mother/daughter, daughter/daughter bonding. LORELAI: 10 hours in the car not enough bonding for you? RORY: I'm just worried about you guys. I mean what's gonna happen after I graduate? LORELAI: After you graduate? That's when the party gets started. RORY: Yeah, I just -- I want you guys to remain close. LORELAI: Close? RORY: Ish. LORELAI: Honey, your grandma and I have a very complicated relationship, but we'll be fine. I don't want you to worry. You go off and do your own thing. I'm a grown-up. A grown-up who wears a bib. [Charlene hands Lorelai the bib] Thank you. BEST WESTERN - MOTEL ROOM LORELAI: All righty. Looks like our choices are "Hitch" or "The Lake House." RORY: I could use a laugh. LORELAI: Alright the "The Lake House" it is. RORY: Oh, my dress got wrinkled. LORELAI: Honey, just put it in the shower with the steam if mom ever finishes shellacking her face. EMILY: [Off screen] I heard that, Lorelai. I'm simply washing up. LORELAI: Mom, the resort is 20 minutes away. Why do you have to wash up here? EMILY: I can't very well arrive at a luxurious resort smelling of bad shellfish and covered with the grime of the road. LORELAI: "The road." Who are you -- Willie Nelson? [Telephone rings] Hello. [Gasps] Mia, how is the blushing bride-to-be? MIA: Surprisingly calm, but then I've had two glasses of wine, so we'll see how I do tomorrow when the buzz wears off. LORELAI: Ah you'll do great. [Rory joins Lorelai listening on the same phone] RORY: Hi, Mia. MIA: Oh, hi, Rory. I just wanted to see if you got here all right. How's the motel? Not too terrible, I hope. LORELAI: Oh, no, it's great. We have two beds, sanitized cups, Keanu Reeves in his most touching role to date. What could be better? [Emily gestures that she is leaving] RORY: Oh, grandma, hold on. MIA: Oh, Emily's with you? LORELAI: Oh, um, yeah, we picked her up hitchhiking on her way to a rock festival. RORY: She's going to the valentine resort. MIA: Well, if Emily's here, then she has to come to the wedding. LORELAI: Oh no, that's okay. She's spending tomorrow getting rubbed, wrapped, and scrubbed. EMILY: Oh, no, she's asking me to the wedding? LORELAI: [Quietly to Emily] No, no. It's okay. [Too Mia] Um so the ceremony's at noon. We'll be there around 11:30. MIA: Oh, please ask Emily to come. We have plenty of food. Howard and I would be thrilled to have her join us. In fact, I insist. RORY: [Taking the phone] That is so thoughtful of you, Mia, and I am sure she would love to come. EMILY: Oh great. Now I have to go. LORELAI: No, you don't. EMILY: It would be rude not to. Damn! RORY: She says she's delighted and flattered that you asked. MIA: Oh, that's wonderful. I look forward to seeing all three of you tomorrow. Sleep well. RORY: You, too, Mia. Bye. LORELAI: Bye. [Rory hangs up the phone, Lorelai makes a WFT face to Rory.] EMILY: Well, I hope the resort will let me change my times. I'll pick the two of you up at 11:00 sharp tomorrow. Be out front. Of course, I didn't bring a thing to wear to a wedding. Luckily, they're going bohemian, so it won't really matter. [Emily leaves] LORELAI: Ugh! RORY: We're bonding. LORELAI: [Sighs] RORY: Oh, this could be a good thing. LORELAI: Oh, the only good thing is that mom is gonna get to the resort still smelling like bad lobster, 'cause I left my doggie bag in her car. [They sit back on the bad and Lorelai starts the movie] [SCENE_BREAK] LUKE'S DINER - EARLY MORNING [Luke comes down and starts getting the diner ready for the day. He hears a knock on the door.] ZACH: Hey. LUKE: Everything okay? ZACH: Great. Everything's -- yeah. Great. LUKE: You know I don't open for another hour. ZACH: Oh, no, I know, but last night when you said you had to get up early, I realized it's time, maybe, I come and help crank up the place. LUKE: Okay. ZACH: I actually love this time of day, you know, real quiet. [Starts taking the chair off the tables] You know what's, like, amazing? How peaceful Stars Hollow is at this time of day. It's, like, spooky peaceful. You ever notice that? LUKE: I'm sorry. I-I really don't enjoy talking this early in the morning. ZACH: Oh, hey, copy that. I'm right there with you. LUKE: [Sighs] ZACH: Now, Lane -- she loves to talk in the morning. Lots of morning chin music with that one. Not me. I take not talking over talking any day. [Starts putting source dispensers out on the counter, one falls.] Ooh, awesome catch. LUKE: Thanks. ZACH: Pretty obvious you played some ball. LUKE: A little. ZACH: I didn't really get into sports much. My dad didn't do sports with me when I was little, and then he, you know, split. LUKE: Yeah, you said. That's too bad. ZACH: Yeah. What kind of music you into? LUKE: I don't really listen to much music. ZACH: No? LUKE: I mean if I'm driving around in my truck, I'll, you know, maybe put on an oldies station. I like some Motown. ZACH: Oh dude I know the perfect band for you. You would so get off on them. They're young, but their sound is way borrowed from those old guys from the '70s. LUKE: Listen, I got to fire up the stoves. ZACH: Yeah, go, go. Fire 'em up. LUKE: You know, I can't pay you any extra 'cause you came in early. ZACH: Oh, yeah, I know. I just figure it's part of my job, and it's a chance for us to hang out. Plus, you know... [quietly] the quiet. LUKE: Right. MIA'S HOUSE [Lorelai, Rory and Emily enter] EMILY: Lorelai, you didn't even knock. LORELAI: Well, that's okay. Mia leaves the door open. She likes people to just come on in. RORY: She's probably too busy to greet everybody, grandma. EMILY: Well, of course she is. She should have someone greet people for her. RORY: Oh, look at all these great pictures. LORELAI: Not everyone has a maid, you know, mom. EMILY: How hard is it to hire a maid for the day? LORELAI: Well, last I checked, they didn't have them at Bed Bath & Beyond. RORY: Oh, this must be Howard. Look. Here we are. LORELAI: Oh so cute. That's the rug where you used to spin around at the independence inn. I bet you threw up just seconds after that picture was taken. RORY: Yep. EMILY: Are we going in, or are we going to watch from the entryway? MIA: Oh, you're here! Lorelai! LORELAI: Hi! RORY: Hi! [Emily looks on as they hug] MIA: Did you find it all right? LORELAI: Yeah, mom's got the GPS. Apparently, it's great if you know how to use it. RORY: Yeah, we saw a lot of your neighborhood -- very nice. MIA: Oh, those damn GPS drive me crazy. Whatever happened to asking the guy at the gas station? EMILY: Good question. Hello, Mia. Thank you so much for inviting me to this special occasion. [They hold hands] MIA: Emily, I'm so glad you could be here. Well, let's go in. Let's not just stand here. I know a wedding wasn't what you had in mind when you came down here. EMILY: What I had in mind was spending time with my daughter and granddaughter, wherever. MIA: Oh, will you sign my guest book, please? EMILY: Oh certainly. MIA: I just feel so lucky to have all the Gilmore ladies under one roof. EMILY: Speaking of roofs, you have a charming home. MIA: Oh, thank you. EMILY: I'm always amazed at what good taste can do with a small space. LORELAI: Oh, it is beautiful. RORY: Yeah, so many personal touches everywhere. MIA: Thank you. I agree with Emily. It's a small house, and it's made even smaller by Howard's junk. But you know what they say -- you marry a man, you marry his junk. Howard. HOWARD: Mia... MIA: Howard, Howard. This is Emily Gilmore, the mother and grandmother of the famous Lorelai and Rory. RORY AND LORELAI: [Together] Hi. EMILY: Nice to meet you. HOWARD: How do you do. LORELAI: I thought you weren't supposed to see the bride in her gown before you got married. MIA: Uh-oh! [covers Howard's eyes] [Laughter] RORY: Yeah, and if the bride sees a lizard crossing the road, that's bad news, too. LORELAI: Really! MIA: Oh, well, haven't seen a lizard, but too late for the dress, 'cause Howard zipped me up. LORELAI: Oh no, where's the zip-up on the bad-luck-o-meter? RORY: Not sure, but I'd throw some salt over your shoulders just in case. LORELAI: I don't have any salt. I might have some Splenda. HOWARD: You are exactly as Mia described you -- you both are. And believe me, she described you a lot. LORELAI: Well, I hope she left out the bad stuff. MIA: There's no bad stuff. EMILY: Lucky you. [Chuckles] HOWARD: Well the sooner we get married the sooner we get cake. MIA: Oh, honey, you're so romantic. Emily, could I just borrow the girls for a quick touch-up in the powder room? EMILY: They're all yours. MIA: Oh, thanks. Okay, guys, let's get me beautiful. EMILY: [Too someone taking her coat] Oh, thank you. HOWARD: Mia adores them. EMILY: Yes, I know. HOWARD: [Sighs] Well, come in. Find a seat. EMILY: The sofa will be fine. [A short time later after the ceremony] LORELAI: And so, a toast to you, dear Mia. It makes us all so glad to see ya... blissfully joined with dear, good Howard. May your love last long, like it's battery-powered. [Laughter] Rory and I wanted to do a poem for you, because when Rory was little, she used to love making up poems, and we would perform them for you, and that was such a fun time. [noticing Emily looking uncomfortable] Um... uh, so, what I've realized now is that you can get away with a lot of bad rhymes when you're cute and 5. But we do want to say... EMILY: [Too another guest] Excuse me would you mind terribly getting me a glass of water? LORELAI: ...The best things in life are worth waiting for, even if they take a long time... EMILY: [Too Rory] she keeps her house very dry. LORELAI: So, let's... a toast to you. [Rising a champagne glass] We love you so much. Cheers. EVERYONE: Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Hear, hear! Congratulations. LORELAI: Oh. MIA: Thank you. [Laughing] That was wonderful. [The Man brings back the water for Emily and quietly asks] MAN: Are you Rory? There's someone here to see you. [Points to show Logan standing in the next room, Rory gets up while Mia continues to talk.] MIA:...That you are here today. And thank you for those of you who came from so far away. Thank you again for the toast. I'll thank my sister for all the wonderful help... LOGAN: [quietly] Hey. RORY: [quietly] What the hell are you doing here? LOGAN: I'm sorry I don't mean to crash this. I just need to talk to you. RORY: How did you know where I was? LOGAN: I called Paris, she found the invitation. I kept trying your cell, but you didn't pick up. RORY: Well, that's the advantage of caller I.D. LOGAN: I get it. You're still mad. RORY: No kidding. LOGAN: But now I'm here, so you have to talk to me - that's the advantage of showing up in person. RORY: Wow, I can't believe you're still doing this. This is so last year's Logan. LOGAN: What? RORY: You think you can just fly anywhere I am and overwhelm me by just showing up and -- I'm just not impressed anymore by your grand gestures. LOGAN: I'm not trying to impress you Rory. I just want to tell you what I've been thinking. RORY: Well I don't care... LOGAN: And I wanted to see you. RORY: I'm in the middle of a wedding of a close friend. I don't have time to stand here and listen to you explain your stupid immature behavior. LOGAN: If you would just hear me out. RORY: No, you go blow off steam in Vegas, you gamble away thousands of dollars, you drink all night, and do god knows what else. This is me blowing off steam. HOWARD: I'm sorry to interrupt, Rory, but Mia wanted me to tell you we're about to cut the cake. RORY: Okay. HOWARD: Will your friend join us? RORY: Um, no, he can't stay. LOGAN: Yeah, I was just stopping by. Thanks, anyway. HOWARD: Oh, okay. [Rory and Howard go to the cake cutting.] LUKE'S DINER [The diner is busy with bowlers] LADY: Hey girls. LADIES: Hey there. LUKE: Talk to me, Zach. What do you got? ZACH: Okay, bowl of chili, two dogs, one BLT, shepherd's pie, and a mushroom soup. And those guys in the corner were asking me if I had a pack of lucky strikes or a burger to spare, what's that about? LUKE: Bowling humor -- strikes, spares. Never gets old, guys. ZACH: Oh, I totally missed it. Oh, man! LUKE: What's wrong? ZACH: Last night, I made this mix of tunes that I thought would be right up your alley. LUKE: Okay. ZACH: Well, you know, new stuff that sounds kind of classic rock-y -- My Morning Jacket, who are like Neil Young reborn, if Neil would have, you know, died. LUKE: Uh-ha Wolfmother - definitely channeling Zeppelin -- modern, but not so much that it would freak out somebody of your taste. LUKE: The point. ZACH: The point is, I totally forgot to bring it. LUKE: Oh, don't worry about it. ZACH: Yeah, but I spent, like, all night on it. LUKE: Ah that's nice. ZACH: Gave me something to do instead of sitting around, waiting for Lane to pop out the babies. LUKE: It'll happen. ZACH: Yeah, don't I know it? [Too customers] Denver omelet, steak sandwich. LUKE: Two cheeseburgers -- medium and well. ZACH: Question -- circumcision, yes or no? LUKE: Pardon? ZACH: I mean we have to make a decision as soon as the boys are born, and I'm really on the fence about it. LUKE: Ahh... ZACH: I thought about having Mrs. Kim weigh in, but her opinion would be kind of hypothetical 'cause she doesn't have the goods, as far as I know. LUKE: Right. ZACH: Right, so, you being a guy, I figured I could use your input on this. LUKE: You know, you saying something like this -- it's kind of personal between you and Lane, so go with your gut. ZACH: Yeah, okay. LUKE: Alright. ZACH: Cool. LUKE: Bill, refill? ZACH: Let's say your kid falls out of a tree and majorly gashes his head. Do you run to him right away or just let him kind of shake it off? I mean I don't want to be a wussy dad, but... LUKE: Probably not the right time to be talking about gashed heads and circumcisions. ZACH: Right. Right. I totally get that. Maybe we could, uh, go over to Casey's after work and grab a beer and talk about some stuff. LUKE: Look, I-I can't be... ZACH: Please. LUKE: Okay. [Luke ushers Zach over to the corner] LUKE: Listen, I know what's going on, okay? You're about to become a father, so you're panicking. ZACH: I am, dude, big-time. LUKE: Promise you you'll get through this. ZACH: I don't know how to throw a damn Frisbee. LUKE: Don't worry about it, okay? ZACH: I just -- I really could use your help on all this father stuff that I know nothing about. LUKE: Zach... ZACH: What the hell are they supposed to call me -- "dad," "pop," "papa"? Do I look like a papa to you? LUKE: It'll come to you eventually. ZACH: Papa is a big, cuddly guy from Italy with all this dark hair. That's so not me. LUKE: Listen, the first time April turned up in my life, I didn't know squat about being a father, but eventually, it came to me. Okay I found my dad mode, and you will, too. ZACH: Dude, I hope so. LUKE: Yeah. Don't sweat it. And go ahead and deliver these to the clowns in the corner over there. You will be fine. [Sighs] I -- okay, all right. BILL: Guy's a real goofball, huh? LUKE: Yeah, watch it, bill. [Takes his plate] BILL: I'm not finished with that pie. LUKE: Yeah, you are. MIA'S HOUSE [Lorelai is talking to someone, country music is playing.] MAN: And I drove through Connecticut once -- beautiful. In fact, Cathy and I considered moving to New England 'cause we love the foliage. LORELAI: Well, we got a lot of that. It practically grows on trees. [She is watching Emily and not interested in the man or what he is saying] MAN: But the cold -- no thank you. I can barely handle it here in Charlotte when it drops below 40. Cathy says it's a circulation thing. I think it's a matter of not having the fat layer that you women do. LORELAI: You should be glad you don't have it. If you did, you couldn't wear such an amazing sweater. RORY: Hey, Mia put out some of her famous mini cream puffs. They're delicious. MAN: Uh-oh, may have to get me one of those. Scusie. LORELAI: God bless you. RORY: Ha. No problem. You looked a little trapped there. LORELAI: No, no, I was riveted by stories of foliage and fat. Where'd you go off to? RORY: Logan showed up. LORELAI: What?! RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Where is he? RORY: Outside, leaning against a car. LORELAI: Why? You wouldn't let him come in? RORY: No. LORELAI: Really? Look at you, all tough love. RORY: Well I'm still mad at him. I'm not gonna melt just because he flies down here to see me. If we're gonna do this, it's gonna be on my terms. LORELAI: Wow. RORY: It doesn't look like grandma's having a good time. LORELAI: No, grandma's staging a sit-in, as only grandma could do, in the middle of a hoopla. Some people would call it a shindig. I'm here to tell you it's a hoopla. RORY: I have so much to learn from you still. HOWARD: Ladies, I'm striking out left and right in my attempts to coax someone to dance. Would either of you salvage my pride? RORY: Howard, I'll dance with you. HOWARD: Thank you. RORY: [Too Lorelai] Talk to grandma. LORELAI: [Sighs and walks over to sit down with Emily] Hi, mom. How are you doing? EMILY: Oh, fine. I'm just going through my schedule for the week. LORELAI: So, did Howard ask you to dance? EMILY: He did, yes -- very thoughtful. LORELAI: Why didn't you dance with him? EMILY: I don't feel like dancing right now. Besides, I have no idea how one dances to cowboy music. LORELAI: You want to dance with me? We could slap our knees, shout "yee-haw." EMILY: No thank you I think I'll just wait for the appropriate moment to excuse myself gracefully. LORELAI: Mom, I didn't think you were gonna want to come. DONNA: So, Lorelai, gal, we have got to do some catching up. How have you been, sweetie? LORELAI: Good, Donna. Good. DONNA: Mia says you have you own inn now. That is so far out. LORELAI: It is great. Um, mom, this is Donna. This is my mother, Emily Gilmore. EMILY: How do you do? DONNA: Really well, thank you. LORELAI: Donna and I were maids together at the Independence Inn. DONNA: A few hundred lives ago, huh? Hey, listen, your toast was so great. LORELAI: Thanks. I didn't know I was gonna be the only one. DONNA: Oh, but you were the perfect choice. I mean, for god's sake, Mia was like a mother to you. LORELAI: Um, so, how are you? You look good. DONNA: I do, don't I? LORELAI: Yeah, DONNA: I tell you, six years ago, when I first started the raw-foods thing... EMILY: Do you know if they put the coffee out yet? LORELAI: Mother. EMILY: What? I'm sorry, but you're talking about something between the two of you, and I could really use a cup of coffee. DONNA: You know what? I am having a serious craving for herbal tea. Let's get something together, Emily. EMILY: All right. LORELAI: [Sighs, gets up to get a drink.] MIA: Hey. LORELAI: Hey. MIA: Everything okay? LORELAI: Yeah. It's fine. I just always seem to forget my mother doesn't play well with others. MIA: Oh, I think she's doing all right, considering. LORELAI: Considering... MIA: I mean, in terms of you and me and Rory and our history. LORELAI: Yeah, so? We have a history. MIA: Seeing me with you must bring back very painful memories. Imagine how difficult it must have been for your mother to lose you. LORELAI: She didn't lose me. I embarrassed her, so I had to leave. MIA: But Lorelai even in the best of circumstances, you never want to think that your child doesn't need you anymore. LORELAI: She wanted me out of the house so she didn't have to explain why my school uniform didn't fit any more. MIA: That's not the impression I got when she came to see me. LORELAI: What? When did she come to see you? MIA: Oh, must have been five years ago, when I came back for that visit to stars hollow. She came and found me at the inn. LORELAI: Why? MIA: I think she wanted to meet me. And she asked me to send her photos of you and Rory from those years when you were staying with me. She never told you? LORELAI: No, she definitely never told me. HOWARD: Well, my dear, my dancing feet are all warmed up. [giggles] Your turn. MIA: Oh, goody, the dance. Now we find out if we're really meant to be together. HOWARD: Ooh. MIA'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR [Nighttime, Rory goes out to see Logan.] LOGAN: You didn't have to bring me cake. RORY: I didn't. [Sits on the front of the car and starts eating] You wanted to talk, so talk. LOGAN: All I wanted to do was say I'm sorry, so...I'm sorry. You were right. I was being immature. RORY: Okay. LOGAN: When the whole deal fell apart... I knew I was in so much trouble, I just -- I totally lost it. I couldn't face anything. I had so much invested in it in every way that, when it all collapsed, it was like I fell into this hole I couldn't pull myself out of. And I also realized that my dad was right. He had every reason to be pissed at me. I mean, I would have fired me for what I did. So, I decided the only way to fix this is to not be my dad's employee anymore. RORY: What? LOGAN: I went to him, and I just -- I said -- I was calm, apologetic, no shouting, no threats. I just said I didn't want to be a pawn in whatever game he had in mind for me. RORY: Really. LOGAN: I am officially not working for the Huntzberger group anymore. RORY: Oh, my god. LOGAN: Yeah, and it feels really good. I mean, it felt great finally standing up to my dad. RORY: How did he take it? LOGAN: He tried to put up this cool, detached front, you know but I think I actually saw steam coming out of his ears. Basically, he told me to hit the road. RORY: And you took him literally. LOGAN: I just needed to see you. The thing is, even though he was mad, I swear I saw the slightest glimmer of pride in his eyes, you know just for a second. I mean, no one walks out on Mitchum Huntzberger. RORY: I'm proud of you, too. I almost wish I'd saved you a bite of cake. Hmm. MIA'S HOUSE [Inside Emily is watching Logan and Rory] MIA: Boyfriend? EMILY: Yes. MIA: He came with you? EMILY: No, I guess he flew down to see Rory. MIA: It's hard for me to think of little Rory with a boyfriend. EMILY: She's not so little anymore. MIA: No. I just hope she doesn't get her heart broken. EMILY: I can assure you, if anyone does any heartbreaking, it will be Rory. MIA: Probably. [Lorelai comes up and listens] EMILY: Definitely. She's such a smart, confident young woman. She's really amazing -- witty, charming, valedictorian in high school, editor of the college paper. Sounds like she'll have her pick of jobs at newspapers all over the country. Rory will be fine. MIA: Well, you would know. LORELAI: Hey. [Hands Emily her coat] Here you go. Well, we should probably get going, let Mia and Howard do whatever it is they're gonna do the rest of the night. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: What? That could mean anything. MIA: Well, she's right. The bride and groom have wild plans to take off all their clothes, jump into their pajamas, and listen to "A Prairie Home Companion." LORELAI: See? Dirty mind -- you. MIA: I can't tell you how much it meant for me to have you here. Thank you. [They hug] LORELAI: Oh, you kidding? I wouldn't have missed it. EMILY: Mia, best wishes to you. It was a lovely wedding. Thank you... for everything. MIA: It was my pleasure. LUKE'S DINER ZACH: Listen, bill over there is asking for seconds on his pie -- something about how you owe him from earlier. LUKE: Sure, give it to him. ZACH: Look, man, I'm really sorry about the way I've been acting -- leaning on you for all this father stuff. LUKE: Ah don't worry about it. ZACH: No I was just all bent out of shape about being a good father -- like there is such a thing. And I was so freaking nervous, I'm like, "hey, maybe Luke can take up the slack." LUKE: Hey, if I can help out, I will. ZACH: No, but I dig what you said about the dad mode -- makes perfect sense. I'm really psyched to feel it kick in. LUKE: Okay. ZACH: Totally. Oh, I almost forgot. This is the CD. LUKE: Oh, great. ZACH: Yeah, I listed the band names on the back. I mean, you don't have to listen to it. [Telephone rings, Zach goes to answer it.] LUKE: No, I want to hear it. ZACH: [On the phone] Luke's diner. LUKE: Who knows maybe I'll really get into Wolfmother. ZACH: Okay, okay. Do not move. I'll be right there. Don't move. I have to go. Lane's water broke. I need my...coat. I-I don't -- I don't need my coat. My keys are in my coat. LUKE: Al right that's it. We're closed, folks. I'm driving. ZACH: No, no, no, man. I can do this. LUKE: Zach, Zach, Zach, Zach. ZACH: Okay. LUKE: Dad mode doesn't have to kick in right now. Lets go. Last one out, lock the door, turn off the lights. BILL: What about my... LUKE: Just take the whole damn pie, Bill. BEST WESTERN - MOTEL ROOM [The room is dark as they enter] LORELAI: So, he's really not working for his dad? RORY: No, he's out of there. LORELAI: Well, it's probably the best thing for him. How did he feel about you sending him back to New York? RORY: Um, I think he was okay with it. I told him it was an all-girls road trip. LORELAI: Exactly, no boys allowed, except for that male stripper we hired. RORY: [Giggles] EMILY: [Still at the doorway] Well, good night. RORY: Oh, grandma, aren't you coming in? EMILY: No, I just wanted to walk you to your room, seeing as this isn't the safest of neighborhoods. LORELAI: Mom, now I feel like I should walk you back to the car and then you're gonna feel like walk me back and then we'll be stuck in a terrible loop and neither of us is wearing the shoes for that. RORY: Oh, grandma, you should stay. We're gonna get junk food from the vending machine, and watch a movie. Come on. Don't you like Dots? [Rory goes to the vending machine] LORELAI: Hey, get some Little Debbie. EMILY: Seriously, Rory, I can't stay. RORY: Too late grandma. I'm already getting you a Little Debbie. [Few moments of silence] LORELAI: Oh, I bought her a suit. EMILY: Did you? LORELAI: Yeah. It was so fun. It was weird, you know, but um, we found something really great, and it just felt like a rite of passage. EMILY: I'm sure. LORELAI: Made me imagine, you know, what it's gonna be like after she leaves. EMILY: Of course. LORELAI: It's gonna be hard to be without her. EMILY: Well, I'm sure you'll get through it. LORELAI: What I mean to say is, mom, is I know that it was hard for you. EMILY: Hmm. LORELAI: Have you seen "The Pursuit of Happyness"? EMILY: Is that the one with Will Smith? He's so attractive. LORELAI: Mmm! Mom has a thing for Will Smith. EMILY: I don't have a thing for him. Is it on now? LORELAI: Yeah. [They sit on the end of the bed] RORY: Oh, my god! Lane had her babies. LORELAI: [Gasps] Oh! RORY: Zach just sent me a photo. Here... See? LORELAI: Oh, cute! RORY: Aren't they cute? EMILY: I'm sure that little camera distorts their faces. LORELAI: What do you mean, mom? They're cute. RORY: Here's another one. LORELAI: Oh, sweet. EMILY: Why did they misspell "Happyness"? LORELAI: Well, we'll find out. [Stars the movie] There's your boyfriend, mom. RORY: Who? EMILY: He's not my boyfriend. LORELAI: Will Smith -- mom has a thing for him. RORY: You like Will Smith? EMILY: I think that he's very charming. RORY: That's all right.

Plan: A: three; Q: How many Gilmore girls hit the road for North Carolina? A: Mia's wedding; Q: What event are the Gilmore girls going to North Carolina for? A: any minute; Q: When is Lane due? A: Zack; Q: Who turns to Luke for advice on being a dad? A: Logan; Q: Who may be growing up? Summary: All three Gilmore girls hit the road for North Carolina and Mia's wedding. With Lane due any minute, Zack turns to Luke for advice on being a dad. And - surprise! - Logan may be growing up at last.

Black and white movie: -Merry Christmas -Merry Christmas, Georges -Merry Christmas, movie house! -Merry Christmas, Emporium! Lucas's voiceover: "Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? Sometimes in order to move forward, you have to go back. In this case, just a few minutes." We can see Nathan crying in the hospital. Nathan opens the cafe's door to Haley. Haley: Thanks A black car all headlights off starts. Nathan: So the doctor said you're fine? You and the baby? Haley: Yeah. We're fine. We are all gonna be fine. Nathan: Listen, there's a reason that I played so bad tonight at first. The car turns on its headlights, speeds up and rushes at the couple. Haley: What do you mean? (Screaming) Nathan look out! Haley pushes Nathan from the road and she's knocked down by Daunte's car. She falls few meters far. Nathan (realizing, screams): Haley! Nathan runs toward his wife, while the car continues its race scratching an other car and finally crashes on a garbage truck. Nathan: Haley! Haley! Haley oh god! Lucas goes out of the cafe and runs toward them. Lucas: What happened? Nathan: They just hit her, man. Lucas: I'll call 911. Nathan looks the car in the distance. Nathan: Lucas stay with her. He runs to the car and takes out Daunte. Nathan: Son of a bitch! What did you do? He hits him until Dan comes. Dan (keeping Nathan's wrist): Nathan! Dan takes Daunte's pulse. Dan: He's dead. You killed him, son. Nathan doesn't realize what happened, we can hear police arriving. Dan: Go on. Nathan: Dad? Dan: Haley needs you, Nathan. Your child needs you. Go! Nathan gets up and runs toward his wife. Dan shatters his hand on the asphalt in order to pass for the attacker. Policemen arrive and Dan puts his hands up. Lucas is around the paramedics. Lucas: She's been hit by a car. You gotta help her. She's pregnant. Paramedic 1: What's her name? Lucas: Haley. Paramedic 1: How long has she been pregnant? Lucas: I don't know exactly. A few... Paramedic 1: Come on, Haley. Lucas: A few... (Then he faints) Paramedic 2: He passed out. I got him. (He takes his pulse) Hold on. Heart's not beating. I got a full cardiac arrest, requesting backup. (Paramedic starts a heart massage). Lucas opens his eyes, he's lying down in the deserted street. He gets up and looks around him. He sees a man who's moving away and he runs after him. Lucas: Hey! Excuse me. Can you tell me what's happening? Man turns over and we can see Keith. Keith : Hi, Luke. Tree Hill hospital Keith and Lucas cross the doors. Lucas: Keith. It's you, right? I mean, you're alive. Keith: Not exactly. Lucas: What do you mean, "Not exactly"? Keith: All in good time, Luke, we don't wanna be late. Lucas: Late for what? Keith pins Lucas to the wall in order to let Haley's stretcher pass. Lucas: Haley. What happened to her? Keith: You don't remember? Lucas: I... There was an accident. Keith: No. It was no accident. Lucas: I was right there with Haley. I was standing right there. Lucas sees a new stretcher arriving on which he's lying down. Lucas: My heart. Keith: Your heart isn't the only one that's breaking right now. Come on. Peyton's bedroom She's gazing into space, a smile on her lips when Brooke is arriving. Brooke: There's been an accident. Lucas and Haley are in the hospital. It's bad, Peyton. It's really bad. Peyton starts crying. Brooke: Come on, I'll drive. Lucas and Keith were watching them. Lucas: It's not fair. Peyton, all these bad things keep happening to her. Keith: Oh, good things happen to her, too, Luke. Like you. Lucas: Okay, look, I don't understand this. I mean, what are you, Keith? An angel? A bad dream? Keith: More like a guide. Lucas: A guide? To where? Keith: Luke, you just had a heart attack. You're not even breathing right now. Lucas: So what? I'm dead? Keith: Not yet. Lucas: Well, then you... Keith: No, I'm... I'm dead. Sorry. Lucas: And what about Haley? Keith: Haley's not good. Tree Hill hospital Doctor: Nathan? Nathan: What's happening? How's Haley? Doctor: She's being prepped for surgery. She has multiple fractures of the legs, some head trauma, a possible collapsed lung, broken ribs, and a good deal of internal bleeding. Nathan: What about the baby? Doctor: Well, with kind of severe trauma... Look, we're gonna do everything that we can. But right now our priority is saving your wife, okay? Lucas turns around toward Keith. Lucas: So is she gonna be okay? Is she gonna lose the baby? Keith: Well, that hasn't been written yet. Lucas: No, you know what? This sucks, all right? All these decent people and bad things keep happening to them. I mean, you were a good guy, Keith. Keith: So? Lucas: So... You got shot for it. Peyton lost mothers. She gets shot and attacked. Haley's now in surgery. Keith: Meaning what? Lucas: Meaning what's the point in being a good person if this is how it goes? Keith: And so you're asking if, by being a good person, have you changed anything? Lucas: You know, considered apparently I'm lying on my death bed right now, yes. Keith (He pushes the elevator's button): Well, let's take a look. The doors open and we can see the senior high. A young gothic girl is drawing on a table. Keith: You recognize her? Lucas: No. Is it Brooke? What happened to her? Keith: Why don't you go ask her? It's okay, go on. Lucas approaches her. Lucas: Hey, Brooke. What's wrong? Brooke: Get away from me. Lucas: What's wrong? Brooke (getting up and screaming to him): I said get away from me. She's going and Lucas turns over toward Keith. Lucas: Hey, what is this? Keith: This is the world that would've been if you had led a different life, Luke. Lucas: What about real life, huh? Keith: Real life is still there. We can see Dan enters his prison's cell and take his head in his hand. Tree Hill hospital Nathan is in the same position. Peyton and Brooke arrive and come toward him. Brooke: Nathan. How's Haley? Nathan: She's in surgery Peyton: And Lucas? Nathan: I don't know. It should've been me. It was all my fault. Brooke: No, it wasn't. It was an accident, like the bridge... Nathan: No, it wasn't. And now Haley's in surgery and even if she makes it, the baby could... She could still lose the baby. And Lucas could die. My dad's in jail. Brooke: Nathan. Nathan: I wish I would've died under that water. None of this would have happened. Nathan gets up and goes away, leaving sadden Brooke and Peyton. We can see Haley lying on a bed in a hospital room, her head stripped and her right leg raised. The camera shows the black and white movie on TV, a man is on a bridge, watching the break of water. Nathan is also on the bridge and he remembers the wedding's accident. When he was into the car under the water, he heard Keith saying: "It's okay Nathan". Nathan: Why'd you have to save me, Keith, huh? If I would've died, then there's no Daunte and there's no accident. And Haley and the baby are fine. Come on, Keith. You can save me, but you can't answer me? Thanks for nothing. He passes between Lucas and Keith to join the other side of the bridge. Lucas: So it was you. Keith: No, it was him. Most people are stronger than they know. They just forget to believe in it sometimes. Lucas: It's my fault. I wanted to win the State Championship. I could've let him lose that game. I should've been more supportive of him and Haley. Keith: Right. Well, let's take another look at that world. You know, the one you're a lesser guy? Come on. Record store Nathan goes into the shop. Nathan: Do you have the new Haley James album? The sales clerk shows him the CDs with his look. Nathan: on vinyl. Sales clerk: Nice. Yeah, I got a promo copy. Right here. You know she's from Tree Hill? Nathan: Yeah I know. (He breaks the vinyl on the counter) Sales clerk: So I take it you're not a fan. Nathan pays and leaves the store. Keith: she never went back, Luke. Lucas: I don't believe it. They loved each other. Keith: Yeah, they did. But you never went to New York to ask her to come back. That doesn't mean she didn't love him, or that they weren't meant to be, but without you, Haley stayed out on tour and by the time came home, well, Nathan's pride was just too much to overcome. Man, pride gets in the way of a lot of good things in this life, Luke. (He takes a vinyl) Journey. Man, I used to love Journey. Lucas: Keith. Keith: Oh, yeah. You remember when you went to that...the beach party? And how you took the time to go and talk to Nathan? That mattered, Luke. It all matters. Come on. They go out and during this time, in the real world and in the same record store, Peyton is looking vinyl when Max arrives. Max: All right, step away from the Cure albums. Peyton: Hi, Max. Max: Hi, Peyton. So I heard about Lucas. How's he doing? Peyton: It's not so good. Haley's not so good, Nathan not so good. Nobody's good. I guess I should be in church or something, but somehow I ended up here. Max: Hey. First time you ever came here, remember what you were looking for? Peyton: No, and hopefully you don't, either. Max: Like A Stone by Audioslave. At least that's what you said you were looking for. I kind of always thought you were looking for a little faith. Most days, I think you still are. Then again, I'm 32, I live with my parents. What the hell do I know? Peyton (starting crying): I just wanna believe everything'll be okay. Lucas and Haley and the baby. I just really wanna believe it's gonna be okay. Max: Yeah, I know. Hey I'll tell you what. Middle bin, four albums in. that's where your answer are. Peyton: La Toya Jackson? Max: All right, five albums in. Peyton: La Rocca? Max: Track ten. It's on me. She's gonna leave the store... Max: And Peyton, you're way too young not to believe it's gonna be okay Peyton: Thank you. Peyton is sitting on her bed listening the album that Max gave to her. Then, Nathan is sitting next to Haley in her hospital's room; he's holding her hand. At last, Dan is in cell, gazing into space. Karen is in the hospital's chapel. Keith and Lucas pass next to Lucas' room, this one retraces his footsteps and stops to see himself through the window. Hospital's chapel Lucas and Keith are going to seat behind Karen and they admire her. Keith: Seeing your mom still takes my breath away. Lucas: Even though technically you don't have any breath? I do. I just saw myself in the hall. At least I'm still breathing for now. Keith: She feels guilty for letting you play. Lucas: It was my fault. I didn't take my pills. Keith: Yeah, you know what? That was a pretty stupid thing to do, Luke. Lucas: I was trying to win a State Championship. Anyway, are spirits allowed to call people stupid? Keith: I'm dead. I can say whatever the hell I want. Lucas: Yeah, well, it wasn't very nice. Keith: Not taking your pills wasn't, either. Lucas: Yes. I know that, but you don't have to call me stupid. Keith: Oh. Lucas: So what if I don't wake up? Keith: I don't know, you tell me. Lucas: You don't know. You know, for a spirit, you suck at this. Keith: What do you want me to say? Lucas: Well, I wanna know if there's a heaven. I wanna know about eternal life and all that stuff. I wanna know...if we're ever gonna see each other again. Keith: Well, we're seeing each other now, right? Lucas: Oh, man. You really suck at this, Keith. Keith: All right, get out. Lucas: Hey, what are you in such a hurry for? Keith: We're running out of time. Lucas: For what? Keith: Reason I came here. The chapel's door opens on the high school's corridor. Keith is going straight on without look back. Lucas follows him. [SCENE_BREAK] Tree Hill's high school Lucas: Why are we in the high school? Keith doesn't answer and carry on walking. Lucas speeds to catch him up. Lucas: Keith. Lucas sees Keith and Jimmy lying on the floor. Lucas: Bodies. What is this? No, I don't wanna be seeing this. Take it away. Take it away. What is this? Keith: This is where I was murdered, Luke. You know that. Lucas: But why are you showing this to me? I don't wanna see it. Keith: We gotta talk about what happened here, Lucas. There are things you need to know. Cut Keith: Do you remember what you saw that day? When you carried Peyton out of the school? Lucas: I saw Jimmy pointing a gun at you. I still can't believe he killed you. Keith: Then why do you? Lucas: God. Yeah, I shouldn't have gone back into that school. Keith: Luke... Lucas: No. You would still be alive if I just stayed away. Keith: No, Luke. I wouldn't. Lucas: How can you say that? Keith: You still can't see it, can you? That's okay. You will. Keith is going to the high school's exit. Tree Hill's bridge Peyton is sitting her legs in the space. Brooke sees her and comes. Brooke: Thought I'd find you here. I remember when I found you down here after your mom died. Peyton: That was eight years ago. You know, Ellie used to watch us down here. She told me that once. Brooke: It's not gonna be like that this time, Peyton. You're not gonna lose Lucas and Haley the way you lost Ellie and your mom. Peyton: Or like I lost you? I missed you, Brooke. Brooke: I'm still here. Peyton: Can we be friends again? Please? Brooke: Sure. Peyton: Like before? Brooke: I'm sorry, Peyton. I don't think so. "Like before" is gone. Peyton: Yeah. Keith and Lucas are standing on the bridge and they're watching the girls. Keith: They should let it go. Trust me, life's too short. Besides, no one ever lost any sleep from being too kind or forgiving. Lucas: That Brooke you showed me at the school. She was so angry. What happened to this Brooke? Keith: You happened to her. Lucas: What do you mean? Cemetery of Tree Hill The gothic's Brooke is standing at a grave where it's written the name of SAWYER. Lucas: Whose grave is she standing at? Keith: You never went back into the school that day, Lucas. At least, the selfish version of yourself never went back. Peyton died that day and Brooke never forgave herself for leaving her behind. So the next time you think that being the best version of yourself doesn't matter, you look into Peyton's eyes. And every time you do, you'll know that is has. And that it does. Lucas: I don't like this world, Keith. I can't be here. They quit the cemetery. Tree Hill's prison Nathan is talking with Dan. Nathan: You shouldn't be here, Dad. Dan: It is what it is, Nathan. Nathan: Dad, I know what I did, okay? You don't deserve this. I'll turn myself in. Dan: Nathan. Nathan: We'll tell them about Daunte. He tried to run us down. It was self-defense. Dan: Listen. Most of your life, I failed you as a father. Nathan: Dad... Dan: I had the best of intentions for you. But I haven't always set the best example. In many ways, I'm right where I should be. Nathan: No. I don't believe that. You've made mistakes, Dad. We all have. But you didn't... You didn't kill anybody. Dad... Dan: How's Haley? Nathan: She's out of surgery. Dan: And the baby? Nathan: We don't know. It's a boy by the way. Supposed to be a boy. Dan: A son. Go on, Son. Go be with your wife. I'll be fine. Nathan: Dad, I love you. Dan is smiling and he hangs up. Dan: Guard. Keith's garage Keith: no place like home. God I miss this old garage. Lucas: This place was pretty good to us. Keith: Yeah. Seems like another lifetime ago. Actually, it was another lifetime ago. Lucas: Peyton's car. Keith: Yep. I remember I sent you on that service call. All you had to do was fill the radiator. You could have done that on-site. Lucas: Yeah, I know. I just wanted to see her again. Keith: Then she caught you looking at her sketches, scared the hell out of both of us, all curly hair and venom. And you told her that her art mattered. And she needed that. She needed the quiet satisfaction of knowing that someone believed in her. Lucas: I did believe in her. Keith: Yeah, yeah, but you didn't have to say it. And you didn't have to send her sketches to thud. But you did. And because of that, Peyton's a better person. You know, Luke, it's an easy thing, saying "I love you" to people that matter. You never know when you might lose them. Or when they might lose you. Lucas' room Lucas is lying down, unconscious. Peyton puts him her headphones and watches him. Peyton: You're always saving me. Please let me find a way to save you. Haley's room Nathan is sitting next to Haley's bed, hangdog. Nathan: Hey, baby. You know how you're always telling me that you're not going anywhere? Well, I need to hold you to that right now, okay? I just need you to come back to me. Listen, just move one of your fingers if you can hear me, okay? Just move one of those beautiful fingers and let me know that you're still here with me. He holds her hand in his hand and starts crying. Tree Hill's prison- Dan's cell Someone comes next to him. Dan: You picked the wrong day to haunt me, Keith. Go away. Keith: Well, I'm afraid I can't do that, Danny. Dan: Well, well, it's about time you showed up. The kid version of you is just annoying at this point. You just gonna stand there or you gonna say something? (He gets up.) Suit yourself. Keith: Well, you know, it won't go away, Danny. The guilt that you feel every second of every day, the shame, it's gonna keep on getting worse. Dan: I made a mistake, okay? I'm trying to make it right by protecting Nathan. Keith: From what? Dan: He killed Daunte. Keith: Are you sure about that, Danny? Dan: I was there. I know what I saw. Keith: I don't know, Danny, you've been seeing a lot of things lately. Painted walls and strange e-mails. Dead brothers. Except you know what? Maybe I'm not just in your head this time. You know, she's never gonna leave you, Danny. Hey do you remember that time Mom and Dad went out and left us home alone? And you went out in the backyard and you cut your hand? And Dad beat the crap out of me because I was supposed to be watching you? Do you remember that? Dan: Stop it. Keith: Or how about the time that you got Karen pregnant and you abandoned her? Do you remember that? Dan: Shut up. Keith: Or how about the time that you murdered me? Do you remember that? Dan (screaming): I said shut up. What the hell do you want? Just tell me what you want. Keith: There's something I never had a chance to tell you. I forgive you. Dan: Take it back. Keith: Look, I forgive you, Danny. Dan: You take that back. Keith: I said I forgive you. Dan: You take that back, you son of a bitch. Keith: I forgive you, little brother. (He opens his jacket and he starts bleeding.) I forgive you. Dan turns back quickly to the window and screams. Dan: Guard! Keith appears behind the window, with a bloody face. Keith: But hell won't! Dan: Aah, aah! The action is transposing to the black and white movie. Strange, isn't it? Haley's room Peyton enters and approaches her friend. Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around, he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? I heard of things like this. You've got me in some kind of a spell or something. Well I'm going to get out of it. I'll get out of it. I know how, too, I... Peyton: Hey it's me. She turns the TV off. Lucas' room In the same time, Brooke turns off the TV and stands next to Lucas' bed. Brooke: Hey it's me. Look, I know you've got a lot going on right now, and just so you know, Karen is a mess. Haley's room Peyton: Nathan's a mess. Well, you gotta wake up soon 'cause I need you to take care of Brooke. Lucas' room Brooke: You've gotta wake up soon because I need you to take care of Peyton. Haley's room Peyton: I just... I can't do it anymore. And it's not like we can live her with Rachel. Lucas' room Brooke: Besides, you're really good for her. Haley's room Peyton: And I'm not sure she can find her way without you. Lucas' room Brooke: What do you say? How about you wake up and help her out? Brooke and Peyton at the same time: And could you not tell her...we had this conversation? Thanks. Hospital's chapel Nathan is sitting on bench, hangdog. He thinks about the wedding accident and he can see Keith, in a halo of light, saying: "It's okay, Nathan. Just breathe. It's gonna be okay." Nathan: I know I did a horrible thing, okay? But I deserve to be punished for that, not Haley. She's a good person, and she'd be a great mother if... Look I know it must suck how people are always asking for things and never giving anything back. And I know that Keith saved me at that bridge. But Haley saved me long before the accident. There has to be a miracle left for her. Please. Please don't take her from me. Don't take our child from her. Keith: It's okay, Nathan. Just breathe. It's gonna be okay. Peyton enters into the chapel. Peyton: Nathan. Haley's room Nathan opens the door and appears with tears in his eyes. Haley: Hi. Nathan: Hi. He leans on Haley and kisses her on the forehead. He cries and then takes her in his arms. Cemetery of Tree Hill Keith: Jeez, what's a guy gotta do to get some flowers now and then? Lucas: Sorry. You know, my mom really wants to come, but it's just hard for her. Keith: What about you? Lucas: I just figured it was a waste of time. Look, I didn't believe Nathan when he said that you rescued him because I didn't believe in you. When you died, I didn't believe in the idea of you. Keith: It's okay Luke. I didn't come here to make you believe in me. I came here to make you believe in you. You know you got a lot of good things in this life, Luke. You got family, friends, love. Those are the things that are worth believing in. Lucas: Is there a heaven, Keith? Keith: I don't know, is there? Lucas: You know you really suck at this. They are going a little far away. Lucas: Because if there is, it was kind of wondering if I could go with you. Keith: Well, Luke, that's up to you. Your future right now is... It's unwritten. But I want you to understand, if you go back, there are gonna be tough times, you know? Some heartache and pain. But there's also gonna be love, laughter and life full oh accomplishment. It's up to you. An old woman is standing in front of a grave with flowers in her hands. Lucas: Who's the woman at Peyton's grave? Keith: Someone who used to know her. But it's not Peyton's grave. Lucas: What do you mean? Keith: Well, peyton lived because you saved her that day. Lucas: Then whose grave is it? Keith: It's your grave, Luke. If that's what you choose. Lucas: And the woman? The old lady looks younger and we can see Peyton. Lucas: Peyton. Keith: She lived a good life, Luke. But she could never let go of you. Keith's garage Lucas: I have to go back. Keith: Are you sure? I never told Peyton I love her. I wanna go back. Keith: Okay. Well, I guess this is the hard part. Lucas: Keith... Keith: Luke, you know I love you. And I always will. But I'm afraid it's time for me to go. Lucas: I don't want you to go. Keith: Luke, it's okay. Lucas: God. I am gonna miss you so much. Keith: Why? I'm with you every day. They take each other in their arms. Keith: I'm with you every day. Besides, we'll see each other again. Lucas: We will? Keith: You believe that. Keith takes two pliers. Keith: Now, this is gonna hurt a little bit. I love you, kid. Then he puts the pliers on Lucas' chest. Lucas is throwing back. We can see Keith on the top of Lucas' body who's lying on the street. Lucas takes a big breath. Paramedic: We got a heartbeat. Keith: It's okay, Lucas. Just breathe. It's gonna be okay. Then Keith moves away. Dan is sitting on the floor of his cell. Haley's room A doctor makes an ultrasound to Haley. Doctor: You understand there are no guarantees in medicine, but as long as we can locate a heartbeat, there's no reason to expect that this baby won't be perfectly healthy. We can hear the baby's heartbeat and Nathan kisses Haley. Then Haley starts crying, so Nathan takes her in his arms. Lucas' room Brooke wants to come in Lucas' room but she sees Peyton whose sleeping next to him. She smiles and goes away. Close up on Lucas. Lucas's voiceover: "Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives. For better or worse." Tree Hill's high school Lucas: I still don't believe that Jimmy killed you, Keith. Keith: Well, then, why do you? Jimmy Edwards was your friends, Luke. You knew him. You were kind to him. After everything we've seen, don't you think that that kindness had an impact? Lucas: But if it did, then you would still be alive. Keith: Do you really believe that, Luke? Look, look into your heart, okay? It may be flawed physically, but it's a good one. And it's what makes you, you. Luke, you've changed other people's lives by opening it up. Don't close that off. Luke, just look around this hallway. You were here that day. What did you see? Lucas: I didn't see anything. Keith: Open your eyes, Luke. Open your eyes the way you opened your heart. Open your eyes, Luke. Lucas watches around him. Keith's voice: Open your eyes, Luke. Open your eyes. Open your eyes, Luke. Open your eyes, Lucas. We hear a shot and then Lucas wakes up.

Plan: A: Lucas; Q: Who receives an unlikely visitor? A: his supposedly dead Uncle Keith; Q: Who visits Lucas? A: Haley; Q: Who's life is threatened? A: her pregnancy; Q: What is Haley experiencing complications with? A: consequences; Q: Nathan wrestles with the guilt and __________ of his dealings with Daunte. A: Keith's murder; Q: What does Dan try to make amends for? A: Peyton; Q: Who tries to patch up their differences with Brooke? Summary: Lucas receives an unlikely visitor -- his supposedly dead Uncle Keith. Haley's life and the life of her unborn child are threatened when she experiences serious complications with her pregnancy and Nathan wrestles with the guilt and consequences of his dealings with Daunte. Dan tries to make amends for Keith's murder. Peyton and Brooke try to patch up their differences.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. It's a scene from 1016 TOW Rachel's Going Away Party.] Jennifer Aniston (V.O.): Previously on Friends. Monica: Erica, are you okay? Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach-aches. They come and go like every few minutes. Monica: Oh my God! Chandler: Relax! We'll just get her some antacids. Monica: She doesn't have a stomach-ache. She's in labor! Chandler: Oh my God! [Cut to Ross's apartment. Ross and Rachel are there. It's another scene from 1016 TOW Rachel's Going Away Party.] Rachel: So if you think I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. Ross: Rach! Rachel: What?! (He walks over and kisses her. They pull back, Rachel looks at him, and they kiss again.) [Scene: Ross's bedroom. Rachel is putting on her shoes as Ross shows up from underneath the covers.] Ross: Hey. Rachel: Shh.. Go back to sleep. I have to go home. Ross: Oh. This was amazing. Rachel: It really was. You've learned some new moves! Ross: Yeah, well, this guy at work gave me "s*x for Dummies" as a joke. Rachel: Ah. Ross: Who's laughing now? Rachel: I know! (They kiss.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: The delivery room at the hospital. Monica, Chandler and Erica are there. Erica is in labor, and she is breathing heavily.] Monica: Breathe, breathe, breathe... Good. Chandler: Next time, can I say breathe? Monica: No, last time you said it like Dracula, and it scared her! Can I get you anything? You want some more ice chips? Erica: No, I'm okay. Monica: Alright, I'll be right back. Chandler: Where are you going? Monica: To use the bathroom. Chandler: You can't leave me alone with her. Monica: What? Chandler: This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with! Monica: What kind of social situation are you comfortable with? Chandler: It's just that we've never spent any time, you know, alone together. Monica: You'll be fine. Nah, you won't, but I'll be back in two minutes. Chandler: Okay. (Monica leaves, and Chandler closes the door. Erica just looks at him.) Chandler: So, ah... Any plans for the summer? Erica: I don't know. Maybe church-camp? Chandler: Hah. May not wanna mention this. So, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts? Erica: What? Chandler: Well, it's just interesting. You know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both. (Erica just looks at him like he's crazy.) Chandler: One of life's great, unanswerable questions. I mean, who knows? Maybe there's something even more painful than those things? Like this. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters. Joey is holding a baby duck.] Phoebe: Morning. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: What's that? Joey: It's my house-warming present for Monica and Chandler. Phoebe: It's a baby chick and duck! Joey: Uh-huh. And I named them Chick Jr. and Duck Jr. Phoebe: I did not see that coming. Joey: Yeah, I figure they'll love it at the new house, you know? It has that big backyard. And then, when they get old, they can go to that special farm that Chandler took the other chick and duck to. Phoebe: Yes. Joey: Yeah. It's a shame people can't visit there. Phoebe: That is the rule, though. (Ross enters.) Phoebe: Guess what? You're almost an uncle! Ross: What? Joey: Yeah, Erica went into labor last night. Monica and Chandler are at the hospital right now! Ross: Oh my God! Phoebe: Yeah, and I have a definite feeling it's gonna be a girl. Ross: Phoebe, you were sure Ben was gonna be a girl. Phoebe: Have you seen him throw a ball? Ross: Is Rachel here? Joey: Uh, I think she's still asleep. Hey, hey, how did it go with you guys last night? She seemed pretty pissed at you. Ross: Uh, we, y'know, we worked things out. Phoebe: What's that smile? Did something happen with you two? Ross: Hey, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but I'm also not one to have s*x and shut up. We totally did it! Joey: Oh my God. You and Rachel? Ross: I know, it's pretty great. Joey: So what does that mean? Are you guys getting back together? Ross: Oh, I.. I don't know. We didn't really get to talk. Phoebe: But do you wanna get back together? Ross: I don't know. It was incredible. I mean, it just felt so right. When I was holding her, I mean, I never wanted to let her go. You know what? Yeah, I do. I wanna be together. Phoebe: (screaming) YAY! Ross: Shhh! Phoebe: (quietly) Yay! Joey: So, so is she still going to Paris? Ross: Wow, I hadn't thought of that. I hope not. Phoebe: Oh, this is like the best day ever. Ever! You guys might get back together, Monica and Chandler are getting their baby, there are chicks and ducks in the world again! Oh, I feel like I'm in a musical! (Singing) "Daa - raa... When the sun comes up, bright and beaming! And the moon comes..." (Rachel enters from her room.) Rachel: Morning! Phoebe: Guess we'll never know how it ends. Joey: Okay. Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Ross: Hey. How did you sleep? Rachel: Good. You? Ross: Good. Joey: I bet you did! Ross: Uh. Would you guys mind giving us a minute? Joey: Sure, yeah. Will you just keep an eye on the chick and the duck? Rachel: Chick and the duck? Didn't they die... Phoebe: (interrupting) Dive. Yeah, they dove head-first into fun on the farm. (Joey and Phoebe leave.) Ross: So... (He kisses her.) Ross: Morning. Rachel: You too. Last night was just wonderful. Ross: It really was. Rachel: I woke up today with the biggest smile on my face. Ross: I know, me too. It was... You know, it was like one of those things you think is never gonna happen, and then it does, and it's everything you want it to be. Rachel: Uh-huh. I know. It was just, it was just the perfect way to say goodbye. (She hugs him, and Ross looks crushed.) [Scene: The Hospital. Erica is moaning and about to give birth. Monica, Chandler, a nurse and a doctor are there with her.] Monica: It's just a little bit more, honey. Erica: Help me! This hurts! Chandler: Is it really that bad? Erica: Uh-huh! I think it's time to kick you in the nuts and see which is worse! (Monica gives Chandler a look.) Doctor: The baby's head is crowning. (Monica walks down to Erica's legs to watch the birth.) Monica: Oh! Oh my God! That is the most beautiful top of a head I have ever seen! Chandler, you have to see this! (Chandler is standing by Erica's head.) Chandler: I'm okay. Monica: Chandler, you don't wanna miss this. This is the birth of your child! It's the miracle of life! Chandler: Alright. Wow, that is one disgusting miracle. Doctor: Start pushing. Here we go. Here come the shoulders... (The baby starts crying, and the doctor holds it up.) Monica: It's a... It's a boy! Chandler: Wow! Erica: Is he okay? Doctor: He's just fine. Monica: Oh, you did it! Chandler: (emotional) It's a baby! A beautiful little baby! And some other stuff I'm gonna pretend I don't see. Doctor: Would you like to cut the umbilical cord? (A nurse gives Monica a pair of scissors. Monica gives it to Chandler, and they cut it together.) Chandler: Well, that's spongy. Monica: (to her son) Oh, hey handsome! Oh, I'm gonna love you so much that no woman is ever gonna be good enough for you! (To Chandler, on the verge of tears) Oh, we are so lucky! Chandler: I know. He has your eyes. (Monica looks at him.) Chandler: I mean, I know that's not possible, but he does. Nurse: We'll just get him cleaned up a bit. (The doctor hands the boy to the nurse, and she walks over to another part of the room with him.) Chandler: Okay. Monica: (To Erica) Oh my God, he's beautiful. Thank you so much. Erica: I'm really happy for you guys. Chandler: How do you feel? Erica: I'm tired! Doctor: Well, you don't have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute. (Chandler stares at the doctor, completely shocked. Monica just freezes and turns around slowly.) Monica: I... I'm sorry, who should be along in a what now? Doctor: The next baby should be along in a minute. Monica: We only ordered one! Doctor: You know it's twins, right? Chandler: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The hospital. Continued from earlier.] Doctor: I can't believe you didn't know it's twins! This has never happened before. Chandler: Well, gosh. That makes me feel so special and good. Monica: (to the doctor) Wait, did you know it was twins? Doctor: Yeah, it's here in the paperwork we got from the clinic in Ohio. Monica: (to Erica) Anybody tell you? Erica: I don't think so. Although, they did mention something about two heartbeats. But I thought that was just mine and the baby's. They kept saying both heartbeats are really strong, and I thought well, that's good 'cause I'm having a baby. Monica: This is unbelievable. Erica: Twins actually run in my family. Chandler: Interesting! (To Monica) Can I see you for a second? (They walk over to the door.) Chandler: What do we do? Monica: What do you mean "what do we do"? Chandler: (panicking) Twins! Twins!! Monica: Chandler, you're panicking! Chandler: Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?! Okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one? Monica: We can't split them up! Chandler: Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they'll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that's a great day for everybody. Monica: Okay, what if the person who adopts the other one is horrible? Chandler: What if they're not? What if it's adopted by a king? Monica: Yeah, because I hear the king is looking to adopt. Chandler: Monica, we are not ready to have two babies! Monica: That doesn't matter! We have waited so long for this. I don't care if it's two babies. I don't care if it's three babies! I don't care if the entire cast of "Eight is Enough" comes out of there! We are taking them home, because they are our children! Chandler: (smiles) Okay. Shhh... (He hugs her.) Chandler: Okay. Monica: Okay! Chandler: Okay! Doctor: It looks like we're about ready over here. (Monica and Chandler run back to Erica's bed.) Doctor: Come on, Erica, start pushing again now. Erica: Ow! (Erica screams.) Doctor: Here she comes! Chandler: (shocked) She? It's a girl? Doctor: Yeah. Chandler: (To Monica) Well, now we have one of each! (To the doctor) And that's enough! [Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe and Joey are there.] Ross: And then she said it was the perfect way to say goodbye. Joey: Oh my God! What did you say? Ross: Nothing! What do you say to that? Phoebe: Ross, you've got to tell her how you feel! Ross: No way! Joey: You can't just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do? Ross: What? Joey: Dude, I'm just trying to speak your language. Phoebe: Ross, Rachel doesn't know that you wanna get back together. If she did, she might feel differently. She might not even go. Ross: You really think so? Phoebe: I'm telling you! Oh, okay! This is the part of the musical where there'd be a really good convincing song. (Singing) "Bam-bam, don't take no for an answer. Bam-bam, don't let love fly away. Bam-bam-bam-bam..." (Rachel enters and interrupts Phoebe's song.) Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Can't a girl finish a song around here? Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi! So I just dropped Emma off at my mom's. Ross: Okay. Joey: Oh, you're not taking her with you tonight? Rachel: No, we decided that I would go ahead and set up first, and then my mom would bring Emma to Paris on Sunday. Phoebe: Wow, eight hour flight with a one-year old? Good luck, mom. Rachel: Are you kidding? Eight hours with my mother talking about Atkins? Good luck, Emma! (Rachel walks up to the counter.) Ross: Alright, you know what? You're right. I should at least tell her how I feel. (He stands up.) Joey: Ross, wait! Ross: What? What? Joey: Could you get me a muffin? (Ross walks up to Rachel, but Gunther gets there first.) Gunther: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. (Ross is shocked.) Gunther: I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know. Rachel: (touched) Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw. (She kisses him on the cheek and looks over at the others.) Rachel: Oh... Bye guys. (Rachel leaves.) Ross: Oh my God! Phoebe: Unbelievable! Joey: Hey, you know what might help? Ross: I'm not getting you a muffin! [Scene: The hospital. Monica and Chandler are holding the twins, while two nurses are taking care of Erica.] Monica: Do you think they recognize each other from in there? Chandler: Maybe. Unless they're like two people who have lived in apartments next to each other for years, and then one day they're pushed through a v*g1n* and they meet. Nurse: We're going to take Erica to recovery now. Monica: There's something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica. Erica: Oh my God, that's just like my name! Monica: Son of a gun, it is! Erica: Anyway, I'm gonna go and get some rest. I'm really glad I picked you guys. You're gonna make great parents. Even Chandler. Monica: Okay, well, bye! Erica: Bye! Chandler: Bye! Monica: We'll call you! Erica: Okay. Chandler: Have fun at church-camp! (The nurses take Erica to the recovery room. Monica and Chandler smile at each other.) Monica: Oh, look at these little bunnies! Chandler: I know! You ready to trade? Monica: Okay. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Alright, let's see.. (They start trying to trade babies while holding one each. They have no idea how to do it, so they just shift the babies around in their arms. They give up pretty quickly.) Chandler: We could trade later. Monica: Yeah, I'm good. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Joey and Phoebe are there. There is a white crib decorated with balloons in the middle of the apartment. Also, there are boxes all over the apartment. Joey is working on something on the coffee table.] Phoebe: Hey, what are you working on? Joey: It's a... It's a "welcome home" sign for the baby. (He holds up a white poster with huge red letters. It reads, "Welcome Home Baby." There is also a huge red stain on the left of the poster.) Phoebe: How sweet! Oh, is that the baby? (She points at the stain.) Joey: No, I sat in the paint. (Ross enters with a gift for the baby.) Ross: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. So, did you talk to Rachel? Ross: No, and I'm not going to. Phoebe: What? Joey: Why not? Ross: Because she's just going to shoot me down. You guys saw what happened with Gunther. That did not look like fun. Phoebe: How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean, sure, he's sexy in a more obvious way. You have a relationship with her, you slept together last night. Ross: Yeah, and she still wants to go! It's pretty clear where she is. Joey: Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, sometimes... (He sits down in the wet paint again.) Phoebe: Uh, Joe? Joey: Damn it! Ross: Look, even if I were gonna tell her, I don't have to do it now. Okay? I'll be seeing her again. We've got time. Phoebe: No, you don't! She's going to Paris! She is going to meet somebody. Do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It's... It's a city of Gunthers! (Mike enters with a roll of paper in his hand.) Mike: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! What do you have there? Mike: Oh, I made a little something. If I had more time to work on it, it'd be better, but.. (He shows them a beautiful banner he has made. It reads, "Welcome to the World, Baby Bing.") Ross: Oh my God! You did that yourself? Phoebe: Honey, that's gorgeous! Joey: You know, the baby can't read, Mike! (Rachel enters.) Rachel: Hi! You guys, the car-service just got here. I can't believe they're not home yet! I have to catch my stupid plane. I wanna see the baby! Joey: Monica just called from the cab. She said they should be here any minute. And apparently, there's some big surprise. Phoebe: Yeah, did she sound happy about it? 'Cause my friend Ethel's baby was born with a teeny, tiny beard. (Monica enters carrying her son.) Rachel: Oh my God! Ross: Oh my God! (They all walk over to see the baby.) Rachel: Hi! Oh my gosh! (Chandler enters carrying his daughter.) Chandler: Hey. (Everybody turns around.) Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Hey. (They turn back around to see the baby Monica's carrying, but then they realise what the surprise is. Ross, Mike, Phoebe and Rachel gasp and stare at Chandler and his baby. Joey hasn't figured it out yet.) Joey: (To Monica) Hey, so what is the big surprise? Rachel: Oh. (Joey stares at Chandler and Monica and finally puts two and two together. He gasps.) Ross: Oh my God! Rachel: What... What... Ross: Okay, okay, awkward question. The hospital knows you took two, right? Monica: Yes, it's twins! Ross: Oh my God. Joey: Oh, they're so cute! Now, what, what kinds are they? Monica: (points at the baby she's holding) This is a boy, (points at the baby Chandler is holding) and that's a girl. Chandler: Her name is Erica. Rachel: Aw.. Joey: Hey, that pregnant girl's name was Erica. Chandler: Yeah. It's a shame you two didn't get to spend more time together. Monica: Yeah, we named the boy Jack after dad. Ross: Aw, he's gonna be so happy. Phoebe: Oh, Jack Bing. I love that. Ooh, it sounds like a '40s newspaper guy, you know? "Jack Bing, Morning Gazette. I'm gonna blow this story wide open!" (Chandler and Monica carry Erica and Jack over to the crib and put them down carefully.) Rachel: Oh my gosh. Wow, so beautiful. Mike: (To Phoebe) I want one. Phoebe: Oh yeah? Well, tell me which one, and I'll try slip it in my coat. Mike: Seriously. Wanna make one of those? Phoebe: One? How about a whole bunch? Mike: Really? Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, we could teach them to sing, and we can be like the Von Trapp family! Only without the Nazis. Although that sounds kinda dull. Rachel: Oh, you guys, I can't believe this. But I'll leave now, or I'm gonna miss my plane. Monica: I'm just so glad you got to see the babies. (They hug.) Rachel: Me too. Oh, I'm just sorry I'm not gonna be around to watch you two attempt to handle this! Alright, I can't say goodbye to you guys again. I love you all so much. Monica: I love you. Chandler: I love you. Monica: Call us when you get there. Rachel: I will. Ross, come here. (She pulls him over to the door.) Rachel: I just want you to know.. Last night.. I'll never forget it. Ross: Neither will I. (They hug as Phoebe and Joey stare at the two of them.) Rachel: Alright, now I really have to go. Okay. Au revoir! Oh, they're gonna really hate me over there. (She leaves.) Phoebe: So, you just let her go? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Hey, maybe that's for the best. Ross: Yeah? Joey: Yeah. You know? You just... Look, you gotta... You gotta think about last night the way she does, okay? Maybe, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye? Phoebe: But now she'll never know how he feels! Joey: Maybe that's okay. You know? Maybe, maybe it is better this way? I mean, now, now you can move on. I mean, you've been trying to for so long, maybe now that you're on different continents.. (Looks at Phoebe) Right? (Phoebe nods.) Joey: Maybe now you can actually do it. You know? You can finally get over her. Ross: Yeah, that's true. Except I don't wanna get over her. Joey: What? Ross: I don't! I wanna be with her. Joey: Really? Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna go after her. Joey: Yeah, you are! Phoebe: Woo! (Monica and Chandler look shocked as Ross goes to leave.) Phoebe: Wait, wait! Get your coat! Get your coat! Ross: My coat... Joey: This is so cool! Chandler: I have no idea what's going on, but I am excited! Joey: But Ross, Ross. What do you, what do you think she's going to say? Ross: I don't know, but I.. Look, even if she shoots me down, at least I won't spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. Where - where is my coat?! Phoebe: You didn't bring one! My cab's downstairs, I'll drive you to the airport. Ross: Okay, guys, wish me luck. Phoebe: Hurry! Joey: Good luck, good luck! (Phoebe and Ross leave.) [Scene: The street right in front of Central Perk. Phoebe's cab is there. Ross and Phoebe run over and jump in.] Ross: There's no seatbelt! Phoebe: That's okay. If - if we hit anything, the engine will explode, so you know, it's better if you're thrown from the car. (Ross looks terrified.) Ross: Alright, alright, let's do this! Phoebe: Okay! (A guy comes up and gets into the backseat of the cab.) Ross: Hey! Man: 18th and East End. Phoebe: I - I don't take passengers. Man: Hey! The law says you have to accept any fare. Ross: No, you don't understand. This isn't a real cab. Man: Alright, I gotta report you. What's your medallion number? Phoebe: My medallion number is, "Get out of the cab!" Man: What? Ross: (screaming) Get out of the cab! Phoebe: Get out of the cab! (The man jumps out, obviously a little scared. Phoebe drives off.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica, Chandler and Joey are there, packing the last boxes.] Joey: Oh, hey, hey, can I give you guys your house-warming present now? Monica: Now, that you can do. Joey: Alright! (Cut to Joey's apartment. Joey looks inside the cardboard box that used to be the home of Chick Jr. and Duck Jr., but they have disappeared.) Joey: Ah... Chick Jr.? Duck Jr.? Don't hide from mama! [Scene: Phoebe's cab. Phoebe is driving very fast, and a terrified Ross has closed his eyes.] Phoebe: You can open your eyes now. Ross: Are we off the bridge? Phoebe: Yes. Ross: Is the old woman on the bicycle still alive? Phoebe: Yes, she jumped right back up. (Ross opens his eyes.) Ross: Oh my God, Phoebe, slow down! Phoebe: Do you wanna get to Rachel in time? Ross: Yes, but I don't wanna die in your cab! Phoebe: You should have thought of that before you got in! (They drive up to a toll-booth.) Phoebe: Toll-booth. Ross: What? Phoebe: (screaming) Toll-booth! Four bucks. There are quarters in the glove compartment. (Ross tries to open a plastic bag filled with quarters, but he's quite slow.) Phoebe: Hurry! Ross: Okay! Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe tries to throw some quarters out the window, but she has forgotten to open the window, and she and Ross scream.) Phoebe: Damn, that window is clean. [Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is still looking for the birds.] Joey: Quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, tweet, quack... (Monica and Chandler enter.) Chandler: We were wondering what was taking so long with the gift, but now we understand you were doing this. Joey: Okay, I wanted to surprise you, but for your house-warming gift, I got you a baby-chick and a baby-duck! (Chandler grins, while Monica is less enthusiastic.) Chandler: Really? You got us a chick and a duck? Monica: Oh, great! Just what you want for a new house with infants. Bird feces. Joey: Yeah, yeah, they must have jumped off the table, 'cause now they're gone! Chandler: Oh, don't worry, we'll find them. Monica: Actually, I'm gonna go check on the twins. Chandler: Alright. (Monica turns around and is about to leave when she steps on something.) Monica: Oh God! What did I just step on? Joey: Oh! Chandler: It's okay, it's just an egg roll. Monica: Oh.. Joey: You stepped on my egg roll? Monica: I'm sorry, I didn't know to look for Chinese food on the floor. Joey: Just put it on a plate and leave. (She does so.) Chandler: Okay, let's find these birds. Joey: Alright. (Suddenly, they hear the birds.) Joey: Wait, wait. Do you hear that? (They realise that the birds are in the foosball table.) Joey: Oh! They're in the table! Chandler: Well, that can't be good! Joey: We gotta get them out of there! Chandler: How? Joey: Oh, oh! Maybe we can lure them out. You know any birdcalls? Chandler: Oh, tons, I'm quite the woodsman. Joey: Well, maybe we can just tip the table a little. Chandler: Joey, wait! The ball! Joey: Oh! (The ball rolls into one of the goals, and Chandler and Joey listen in horror as the ball makes its way inside the table. Finally, they can hear the birds again.) Joey: Oh God! So what do we do? Chandler: I don't know. Maybe we can open this up somehow. Joey: Okay. Chandler: No... It's all glued together. Joey: Does that mean we have to bust it open? Chandler: I don't know. Maybe. Joey: Oh my God! Chandler: I know! It's.. It's the foosball table. Joey: All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like I would have said in that sci-fi movie if I'd gotten the part. "Those are our men in there, we have to get them out! Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life; my time-machine." Chandler: Did that movie ever get made? Joey: It did not. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The airport. Ross and Phoebe run in.] Phoebe: Ross, where are you going? Ross: To talk to Rachel, isn't that why we took a ride in the death-cab? Phoebe: What? What are you just gonna walk up to her at the gate? Have you never chased anyone through the airport before? Ross: Not since my cop-show got cancelled. Phoebe: You have to get a ticket to get past security. Ross: What? We're never gonna make it! Phoebe: Not with that attitude! Now, haul ass! (They run to the ticket counter, but they get stuck behind a group of old people who are walking very slowly.) Ross: Okay, if you could all walk slower, that'd be great. [Scene: The gate. Rachel walks up to the man at the gate and gives him her passport.] Gate attendant #1: (with a French accent) Madame, your passport please? Rachel: Oh my God! I was so afraid I wasn't gonna remember any of my high-school French, but I understood every word you just said! Gate attendant #1: Your boarding pass, please. Rachel: Oh. (She starts looking through her purse, but she can't find it.) Rachel: Oh, shoot. I had it. Oh, I can't believe this. Gate attendant #1: Madame, if you don't have your boarding pass... Rachel: I have it, I have it, I have it. Oh, okay, I can't find it, but I remember that I was in seat 32C, because that's my bra-size. Gate attendant #1: Madame, you must have your boarding pass.. Rachel: Okay, fine! But you know what? If I was in 36D, we would not be having this problem. [Scene: The ticket-counter. Ross and Phoebe come running.] Ross: Hey, I need a ticket. Phoebe: Just one? I drive you all the way down here, and I don't get to see how it works out? Ross: Fine, two tickets, I need two tickets. Phoebe: We're on our honeymoon. Ticket agent: And the destination? Ross: I don't care. Whatever is the cheapest. Phoebe: I'm so lucky I married you. [Scene: The gate. Rachel is still searching for her boarding pass.] Rachel: Oh! Shoot! Damn it! Where is it? Oh! Oh! I found it! I found it! (She runs up to the gate and the gate attendant standing there.) Rachel: Hah! I found it! I told you I would find it! In your face! You're a different person. [Scene: The ticket-counter. Ross and Phoebe have their tickets and start looking at the screens in order to find the gate.] Ross: Okay, flight 421 to Paris. I don't see it, do you see it? Phoebe: No, did we miss it? Ross: No, no, no. That's impossible. It doesn't leave for another 20 minutes. Phoebe: Maybe we have the flight-number wrong. God. (Phoebe picks up her cell-phone and calls Monica. Monica is still packing in her apartment.) Monica: Hello. Phoebe: Hey, it's me. Here's Ross. Ross: What? Hey, hey, listen.. (Monica is standing by the crib, and she's looking at her babies.) Monica: Oh my God! Ross, you wouldn't believe the cute little noises the twins are making. Listen. (She holds the phone down to the twins.) Ross: Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..? Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Shoot, they were doing it before. Ross: That's alright. Listen, listen. Monica: Oh, wait, wait, wait! Here they go again. (She holds down the phone to the twins again.) Ross: Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..? Monica: Isn't that cute? Ross: That is precious! Listen! I need Rachel's flight information. Monica: Oh, okay. Alright, it's flight 421. Leaves at 8:40. Ross: Yes, that's what I have. It's not on the board. Monica: That's what it says here. Flight 421, leaves at 8:40, Newark airport. Ross: What? Monica: Newark airport. Why, where are you? Ross: JFK. (Ross sadly hangs up the phone, while Phoebe looks at him. Cut to Rachel at the gate. She gives her boarding pass to the gate attendant, and she goes onboard. The gate attendant closes the door and locks it.) [Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler are still trying to get the birds out of the foosball-table.] Joey: (yelling) Don't worry, you guys, we're gonna get you out of there. Chandler: And we're also gonna buy you tiny, bird hearing-aids. (Joey picks up a hammer and a crowbar and gets ready to destroy the table.) Joey: Okay. Here goes. Chandler: What's the matter? Joey: I need to say goodbye to the table first. Chandler: I understand. Joey: Okay. Table, you have given us so many great times. And you guys, Jordan, Victor, Joel... All of you guys. What can I say? You guys make us look good. You wanna say anything? Chandler: I don't know. Except that, for one last time... (he touches the players as he says the following) Good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game. Joey: Okay, here we go. I can't do it. Chandler: Well, I can't do it either. (Monica enters.) Monica: Hey! Did you find them? Joey: Yeah, they're stuck inside the table! Chandler: We have to bust it open, but neither of us can do it! Monica: Oh, well sure. This gotta be so hard. I'll do it. Gimme! (Monica grabs the hammer and the crowbar and gets ready to bust it open.) [Scene: Phoebe's cab. She's driving faster than ever before.] Ross: Phoebe! Wow! No, no, no! (Phoebe screams.) Phoebe: Well, I've never gone this fast before. Ross: Phoebe, forget it, okay? Newark is - is like an hour away. There's no way we're gonna make it in time. Phoebe: She's got her cell, you could call her. Ross: I am not doing this over the phone. Phoebe: You don't have any other choice! (She lets go of the steering wheel to get her cell-phone from her purse. Ross screams and reaches over in order to hold onto the wheel. Cut to the plane. Rachel is sitting in her seat when her cell-phone rings.) Rachel: Hello? Phoebe: Rachel? Oh, good. Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: (To Ross) For what it's worth, we would have caught her if we were at the right airport. Ross: Yay. Phoebe: Uh, Rach, hang on. (Phoebe tries to give her phone to Ross, but he won't take it. He mouths "no.") Rachel: Phoebe? Is everything okay? Phoebe: Uhm, actually no. No, you've... You have to get off the plane. Rachel: What? Why? Phoebe: I have this feeling that something's wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left Philange. Rachel: Oh, honey, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with the plane. (The passenger in the seat next to Rachel looks at her and seems a little nervous.) Rachel: Alright, look, I have to go. I love you, and I will call you the minute I get to Paris. (Rachel hangs up.) Passenger #1: Uhm, what was that? Rachel: Oh, that was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane, because she had a feeling that there was something wrong with the left Philange. Passenger #1: Okay, that doesn't sound good. Rachel: I wouldn't worry about it. She's always coming up with stuff like this, and you know what? She's almost never right. Passenger #1: But she is sometimes. Rachel: Well... (The passenger stands up and gets his suitcase from the overhead compartment.) Rachel: Wait, what are you doing? Passenger #1: Well, I can't take this plane now. Air stewardess: Excuse me, sir, where are you going? Passenger #1: I have to get off this plane, okay? Her friend has a feeling something's wrong with the left Philange. Rachel: Could I get some peanuts? Passenger #2: What's wrong with the plane? Air stewardess: There's nothing wrong with the plane. Passenger #1: Yeah! The left Philange! Air stewardess: There is no Philange! Passenger #1: Oh my God. This plane doesn't even have a Philange! Passenger #2: I'm not flying on it! Air stewardess: Ma'am, please sit down! Passenger #3: What's going on? Passenger #1: We're all getting off. There is no Philange! (Everybody walks out of the plane.) Rachel: This is ridiculous! I... (She notices that everybody is leaving.) Rachel: Yeah, okay. (Rachel leaves as well.) [Scene: Joey's apartment. Monica has completely destroyed the foosball-table, and Chandler and Joey are holding the birds.] Monica: Alright. My job here is done. Chandler: That was... Impressive. Joey: Yeah, you didn't even use the tools for most of it! Monica: Yeah, they were just slowing me down. Alright, I have to get back to the babies. I'll see you girls later. (Monica leaves.) Chandler: Sorry about the table, man. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: You gonna buy a new one? Joey: Probably not. Nah. I don't know how much I'm gonna wanna play after you go. Chandler: Well, at least we got these little guys out. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Aww, we were worried about you! Hm. I guess I better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh? Joey: I'm gonna miss these little guys. It was nice having birds around again. Chandler: Hey, you know what? Maybe we should keep them here with you. Joey: What? Chandler: Yeah, I mean we've got a lot going on right now. And, plus, here they'd have their own room. Joey: I could get a goose! Chandler: You know, I - I think you're set with the poultry. Joey: Thanks man. Did you hear that, you guys? You're gonna get to stay here! And, and it's good, you know, 'cause, 'cause now you have a reason to come visit. Chandler: I think there may be another reason. So, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake? Joey: Uh, lame cool guy handshake, yeah. (They do the lame cool guy handshake. They look at each other, and then they hug.) [Scene: The gate at the airport. The passengers are standing in line, and they're about to board the plane again.] Gate attendant #2: Ma'am, I assure you, the plane is fine. Passenger #2: And you fixed the Philange? Gate attendant #2: Yes, the Philange is fixed. As a matter of fact, we put a whole lot of extra Philanges onboard, just in case. (Rachel walks up to the gate. Cut to Ross and Phoebe who come running up to the gate.) Ross: Where is she? Phoebe: I don't see her. Ross: Rachel! Rachel Green! Phoebe: There she is! Ross: Rachel! Rachel! Gate attendant #2: Wow, excuse me, sir, do you have a boarding pass? Ross: No, no, I just have to talk to someone. Gate attendant #2: I'm sorry, you cannot go any further without a boarding pass. Ross: No, no, no, but... Phoebe: (screaming) RACHEL!! (Rachel comes back to the gate.) Rachel: Oh my God... What.. What are you guys doing here? Phoebe: Okay, you're on. Rachel: What? What? Ross, you're scaring me. What's going on? Ross: Okay, the thing is.. Rachel: Yeah? Ross: Don't go. Rachel: What? Ross: Please, please stay with me. I am so in love with you. Please, don't go. Rachel: Oh my God. Ross: I know, I know. I shouldn't have waited 'till now to say it, but I'm.. That was stupid, okay? I'm sorry, but I'm telling you now. I love you. Do not get on this plane. Gate attendant #2: Miss? Are you boarding the plane? Ross: Hey, hey. I know you love me. I know you do. Gate attendant #2: Miss? Rachel: I - I have to get on the plane. Ross: No, you don't. Rachel: Yes, I do. Ross: No, you don't. Rachel: They're waiting for me, Ross. I can't do this right now, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ross: Rachel? Rachel: I'm so sorry. (She boards the plane.) Ross: I really thought she'd stay. Phoebe: I'm sorry. (Phoebe hugs Ross.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Joey, Chandler, Monica and the twins are there. Everything has been put into boxes.] Monica: Well, that's it. Everything's packed. Chandler: Wow, this is weird. Monica: I know. Joey: Yeah. Uh, does this mean there's nothing to eat? Monica: I put three lasagnas in your freezer. Joey: I love you! (He hugs her. Phoebe enters.) Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Joey: So did you guys make it in time? Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, he talked to her, but she got on the plane anyway. Chandler: Where's Ross? Phoebe: He went home. He didn't want to see anybody. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross enters and checks his messages.] Rachel: (on the answering machine) Ross, hi. It's me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're there and saying these things... And... And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane. Ross: Oh my God! Rachel: (on the answering machine) Excuse me? Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) Miss? Please, sit down! Rachel: (on the answering machine) I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love love them. Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) Miss, I can't let you off the plane. Ross: Let her off the plane! Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat. Rachel: (on the answering machine) Oh, please, miss, you don't understand! Ross: Try to understand! Rachel: (on the answering machine) Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you can just let me off... (The message is finished. Ross jumps over to the answering machine.) Ross: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane? Rachel: I got off the plane. Ross: You got off the plane. (He walks over and kisses her.) Rachel: I do love you. Ross: I love you too, and I'm never letting you go again. Rachel: Okay. 'Cause this is where I wanna be, okay? No more messing around. I don't wanna mess this up again. Ross: Me neither, okay? We are - we're done being stupid. Rachel: Okay. You and me, alright? This is it. Ross: This is it. Unless we're on a break. (Rachel gives him a look.) Ross: Don't make jokes now. (They kiss again.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Monica are holding the twins. Joey and Phoebe are sitting by the window, while Ross and Rachel are standing together. The apartment is completely empty. Two men are carrying a large dresser.] Monica: Okay, please be careful with that. It was my grandmother's. Be careful. (Two other men are rolling the big white dog out of the apartment.) Monica: If that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing. (She slips them some money.) Ross: Wow. Rachel: I know. It seems smaller somehow. Joey: Has it always been purple? Chandler: (to his children) Look around, you guys. This was your first home. And it was a happy place, filled with love and laughter. But more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin' steal! (Monica and Chandler put Jack and Erica in their stroller.) Phoebe: Hey, do you realise that at one time or another we all lived in this apartment? Monica: Oh, yeah, that's true. Ross: Uh, I haven't. Monica: Wait a minute. What about that summer during college that you lived with grandma, and you tried to make it as a dancer? Ross: Do you realise we almost made it ten years without that coming up? Monica: Oh, honey, I forgot. I promised Treeger that we'd leave our keys. Chandler: Oh, okay. (Chandler and Monica walk over to the kitchen-counter and leave their keys. Then the other four pick out their keys and leave them as well.) Phoebe: So, I guess this is it. Joey: Yeah. I guess so. Monica: (crying) This is harder than I thought it would be. Chandler: Oh, it's gonna be okay. (Chandler hugs her. Monica hugs Ross and Rachel as Chandler gets the stroller with the twins.) Rachel: (crying) Do you guys have to go to the new house right away, or do you have some time? Monica: We got some time. Rachel: Okay, should we get some coffee? Chandler: Sure. Where? (They all leave the apartment. Joey helps Chandler with the stroller in the hallway, while Monica and Rachel have their arms around each other. Everybody walks downstairs to Central Perk. The camera goes inside the apartment again, and it pans around. We see the keys on the counter, and the final shot is of the frame around the peephole. The screen fades to black.)

Plan: A: Ross; Q: Who does Rachel have sex with? A: Rachel; Q: Who does Ross love? A: Phoebe; Q: Who does Ross race to the airport with? A: Joey; Q: What is the name of the spin-off? A: the hospital; Q: Where do Monica and Chandler accompany Erica? A: his feelings; Q: What does Ross race to the airport to tell Rachel? A: twins; Q: What did Erica give birth to? A: Jack; Q: What is the name of one of the twins? A: Ross' plea; Q: What does Ross make to Rachel? A: heart; Q: What does Rachel have a change of? A: Ross' apartment; Q: Where does Rachel go after leaving the plane? A: years; Q: How long were Ross and Rachel separated? A: separation; Q: What is the word for the time Ross and Rachel were apart? A: Monica's apartment; Q: Where do the friends turn in their keys? A: a camera; Q: What pans the apartment and the city? Summary: After having sex with Ross, Rachel says it was 'the perfect way to say goodbye', and he realizes he is still in love with her. Phoebe and Joey pack Monica and Chandler's belongings as the couple accompany Erica to the hospital. Ross and Phoebe race to the airport to tell Rachel of his feelings - but she gets on the plane anyway. Meanwhile, Erica gives birth to twins which Chandler and Monica name Jack and Erica. Still on the plane, contemplating Ross' plea, Rachel has a change of heart. She leaves the plane and goes to Ross' apartment to tell him that she loves him. After years of separation, the two finally get back together for good, saying "this is it", hinting they will marry after the series (which is revealed to be true in the spin-off, Joey ). Back in Monica's apartment, the friends turn in their keys and go out for their last cup of coffee together as a group. The series ends with the friends leaving and a camera panning the apartment and the city.

THE ROBOTS OF DEATH by: CHRIS BOUCHER PART ONE Running time: 24:06 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. EXT. desert (Night) (Cruel winds blow sand over the rocky craggs of a desert. Traversing the harsh terrain amongst the mesas is a huge vehicle - the sandminer Storm Mine 4 - its shiny metal body glinting in the strange night light. Storm Mine 4 is propelled by means of screwpumps and blasts waste from three forward vent pipes. The enormous body of the mine tapers upwards into a tiny bridge with a full front windscreen. Through the windscreen, five ROBOTS are visible at work.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. INT. STORM Mine 4 bridge (The ROBOTS on the bridge busily move from one instrument to another, checking readings. One of them is black - A DUMB - and the other four are green - VOCS. The moulded faces of the robots are attractively humanoid, and they wear tunics. Each has an identity plaque on its chest with the letter 'D' or 'V' to designate type, and a unique identification number. They speak in soothing, pleasant, human-like voices. Their voices betray no emotion, but they do not sound like machines. A VOC of unseen number reads data off an instrument panel.) Voc: Turbulent centre, vector 7. (V32 approaches the forward instrument panel.) V32: Scan commencing now. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. INT. STORM MINE 4 recreation room (Seven members of the human crew of Storm Mine 4 are engaged in subdued recreation activities: CHUB, BORG, DASK, TOOS, ZILDA, UVANOV and CASS. They are waited on by robots. All are dressed in futuristic, theatrical yet elegant clothes and makeup. The beautiful makeup lines around their eyes resemble the eye markings of the robots. The room itself also speaks of a life of luxury and decadence, decorated with strange futuristic sculptures in the art deco style. The room is slightly sunken, with a couple of steps leading up to the door. CHUB, a short 25ish man in a turquoise and steel grey tunic, walks across the room to where BORG, another young man, is receiving a shirtless shoulder massage from V16.) CHUB: There was a Voc therapist in Kaldor City. Specially programmed, equipped with vibro-digits, subcutaneous stimulators, the lot. Do you know what happened, Borg? Its first client wanted treatment for the stiff elbow. The Voc therapist felt carefully all round the joint, and then suddenly just, ah, twisted his arm off at the shoulder. Shoomph! (Gives a sinister laugh.) All over in two seconds. BORG: I've never heard that. CHUB: Kaldor City. (DASK, a more earnest looking 35ish man in steel grey, turns the page of a book he is reading.) DASK: What was the reason? CHUB: Reason? It was haywire. I wouldn't let a robot work on me. Not for all the zelanite in this ship. BORG: Shut up, Chub. (BORG pushes V16's arm away from him and sits up.) BORG: Thankyou, V16. (DASK closes his book and takes a glass of wine from a robot. In the foreground, UVANOV, a small goateed man in his late 40s dressed in bronze, studies a chess game he is engaged in with V9.) DASK: A Voc class robot has over a million multilevel constrainers in its circuitry. All of them would have to malfunction before it could perform such an action. TOOS: Your trouble, Dask, you take all the magic out of life. (TOOS, a 30ish woman in copper plays checkers with CASS, a 30ish man who wears maroon. CHUB crosses the room to challenge DASK.) CHUB: They go wrong, my friend. It's been known. DASK: Only when there's an error in programming. Each case on record - CHUB: This was a case that tore his arm off. (An eighth crew member, POUL, enters the room. He is 40ish with curly hair and a pale yellow outfit.) POUL: We're turning. Has anyone noticed? (CHUB sits by ZILDA, a young woman in her early 20s wearing silver. Her outfit includes a silver head-dress that has two membranous 'ears' like the small webbed bat wings.) ZILDA: I heard it was a leg. V9: Mate in eight moves, Commander. UVANOV: Never! V9: I will check, Commander. (V9 presses buttons on a wrist touchpad.) V9: The computation is confirmed. UVANOV: Damn! (DASK smiles, stretching in appreciation.) DASK: They're unbeatable, Commander. (A communicator alert sound is heard. UVANOV speaks into his wrist communicator.) UVANOV: Commander. V14: (On communicator.) V14 tracer, sir. UVANOV: Yes? [SCENE_BREAK] 4. INT. BRIDGE (A VOC stands on a raised platform at the back of the bridge in front of a large screen with continuously changing symbols. V14 stands below, speaking into a wrist communicator. V5 works in the background.) V14: Storm scale three, range ten point five two, timed three zero six, vector seven one and holding. UVANOV: (On communicator.) Right, full crew alert, 14. Out. (The bridge crew of six robots continue to walk calmly about their business as a recorded announcement in Uvanov's voice is heard.) RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Full crew alert. Full crew alert. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. INT. Recreation Room (The crew rise from their seats preparing to move to the bridge.) UVANOV: Chub, break out an instrument pack. CHUB: Right, sir. UVANOV: Let's hope this one's worth chasing. TOOS: 'Bout time we had some luck. RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Full crew alert. Full crew alert. (The crew exit the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. EXT. Space (The TARDIS spins through space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. INT. wood-panelled tardis console room (LEELA conscientiously makes a yellow yo-yo go up and down to one side of the console room. She concentrates very hard.) LEELA: Doctor. DOCTOR: Mm? LEELA: Can I stop now? (The DOCTOR adjusts instruments on the other side of the console.) DOCTOR: If you want to. LEELA: It will not affect this? DOCTOR: Affect this? No. It's a yo-yo. It's a game. I thought you were enjoying it. (LEELA lets the yo-yo clatter to the ground.) LEELA: Enjoying it? You said I had to keep it going up and down. I thought it was part of the magic. DOCTOR: Magic, Leela? Magic? LEELA: I know, I know. There's no such thing as magic. DOCTOR: Exactly. To the rational mind, nothing is inexplicable. Only unexplained. LEELA: So, explain to me how this ... TARDIS is larger on the inside than the out. DOCTOR: Mm? Alright, I'll show you. (The DOCTOR turns to search for something at the back of the room.) DOCTOR: It's because insides and outsides are not within the same dimension. (The DOCTOR retrieves two black plastic boxes of different sizes. He holds them up, one in each hand.) DOCTOR: Which box is larger? LEELA: (Pointing.) That one. (The DOCTOR places the larger box in the centre of the TARDIS console and grins. He crosses to LEELA's side in the foreground, and holds up the smaller box for comparison.) DOCTOR: Now which is larger? LEELA: (Pointing across to the larger box.) That one! DOCTOR: But it looks smaller. LEELA: Well, that's because it's further away. DOCTOR: Exactly. If you could keep that exactly that distance away and have it here, the large one would fit inside the small one. (LEELA looks at the DOCTOR dubiously.) LEELA: That's silly. DOCTOR: That's transdimensional engineering, a key Time Lord discovery. (The TARDIS engines signal that materialisation is imminent.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. INT. Storm mine 4 forward scoop deck (The TARDIS materialises inside a small metal-lined room with sand on the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INT. wood-panelled tardis console room (The DOCTOR approaches the console and LEELA follows him excitedly.) DOCTOR: This is the exciting bit. LEELA: What's exciting? DOCTOR: Well, seeing what's outside. (The DOCTOR activates controls on the console and the scanner opens, revealing only the vertical metal slats of a wall. The DOCTOR approaches the scanner for a closer look.) DOCTOR: I think ... it's metal! We've landed inside something metal. LEELA: But how can we? How can the TARDIS be inside something metal? DOCTOR: Well, one box inside another, I've just explained it to you. LEELA: No, not very clearly. (The DOCTOR again approaches the console and activates switches, closing the scanner.) DOCTOR: Well ... it's a rather dull subject anyway. (The DOCTOR closes the console hatch and steps down towards the coat rack.) DOCTOR: I wonder where we are. LEELA: You mean you don't know? DOCTOR: Well not precisely, no. LEELA: You mean you can't control this machine? (The DOCTOR puts on his jacket and scarf, and folds his hat into his pocket. LEELA follows him and picks up a blaster of the kind she used in The Face of Evil.) DOCTOR: Well of course I can control it. Nine times out of ten. Well ... seven times out of ten. Five times ... look. Never mind, let's see where we are. (He walks towards the door as LEELA checks her blaster.) DOCTOR: You won't need that. LEELA: How do you know? DOCTOR: I never carry weapons. If people see you mean them no harm, they never hurt you. (LEELA shrugs and puts the blaster down.) DOCTOR: Nine times out of ten. (He exits. LEELA follows, wielding her knife.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INT. forward scoop deck (The DOCTOR and LEELA emerge from the TARDIS cautiously, finding themselves in the metal room with sandy floor. The DOCTOR walks towards an open hatch which leads into a darkened, dirty chute. LEELA approaches, holding her knife before her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. EXT. DESERT (Storm Mine 4 continues on its trek through the craggy, barren wastes of the desert.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. INT. BRIDGE (With great sense of purpose, the human bridge crew - UVANOV, ZILDA, CASS, POUL, TOOS - enter the bridge, passing the robots who are calmly at work. UVANOV now wears a spectacular head-dress like broad bronze feathers sprouting from his head. He stands before an instrument in the foreground that features a transparent green dome. TOOS too now wears a magnificent head-dress: hers is like a skeletal copper mohawk. She and ZILDA sit at consoles below the raised platform, surrounding by blinking lights. CASS climbs the stairs up to the platform. POUL crosses the bridge to a workstation on the other side.) UVANOV: How's it look, Toos? TOOS: Tell you in a moment. UVANOV: Right tracking? ZILDA: Clear and running, Commander. UVANOV: Left tracking? ZILDA: And running. TOOS: It's small. Scale three point four, not building. (UVANOV approaches the forward console, where V58 is working.) UVANOV: What have you done with all the big ones? TOOS: (Sing-song.) I don't make them. ZILDA: (In background.) Range four point one two. Running time three point three zero. Ground centre zero zero one. TOOS: That's something, anyway. We won't have to chase this one. (V32 stands behind UVANOV.) V32: No instrument pack report yet, sir. UVANOV: Chub! Get after him. POUL: It's alright, I'll go. UVANOV: Scientists! POUL: (Laughs.) Yes. (POUL leaves the bridge. UVANOV turns to climb the stairs.) UVANOV: How can I run a mine with amateurs? (ZILDA turns defensively.) ZILDA: Chub's alright. UVANOV: Why? Just because he's from one of the founding families? ZILDA: I didn't mention his family, Commander. UVANOV: (Interrupts.) One of the twenty? You know, it's amazing the way you people stick together. No, it's not amazing. It's sickening. ZILDA: I hope you're watching the traversers, Commander. UVANOV: Oh, please don't worry about my job, Zilda. What's she blowing, Toos? TOOS: The spectro is money. Could be some zelanite. Some keefan. (Smiles triumphantly.) Traces of lucanol! UVANOV: Ah, money in the bank. Cheer up, Zilda. I'll make you rich again. (ZILDA scowls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INT. CORRIDOR (The metal-slippered feet of a ROBOT walk silently along a corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. INT. FORWARD STORAGE LOCKER (The forward storage locker contains wall-to-wall open shelving made of blue-scaffold, and the shelves are stuffed with boxes and supplies. CHUB tries to pull out an instrument pack from a shelf, but it appears to be stuck.) CHUB: Oh. (Mutters.) Ohhh! Blazing robots. Where in the seven suns is that robot? (Calls.) Robot! Robot? [SCENE_BREAK] 15. INT. CORRIDOR (The metal-slippered ROBOT feet continue to walk silently along a corridor, approaching a door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. INT. forward storage locker (The door opens and V45 enters the storage locker. CHUB still stands beside the instrument package shelf.) V45: Yes, sir? CHUB: Where have you been? Get that instrument package. (V45 does not obey the order. Its eyes now glow an eery red.) CHUB: Well come on, get a move on. I've got to launch it before the hatches are locked. (V45 does not move.) CHUB: Er ... did you hear what I said? V45: Yes, sir. I heard what you said. CHUB: Well, get on with it then! (V45 moves towards CHUB. CHUB turns in frustration and points to the package.) CHUB: No, look. There, you electronic moron. What are you doing? Look, stop. Stand still. (V45 continues to move toward CHUB, now with hands outstretched. CHUB backs away, suddenly afraid. V45 does not stop. As CHUB backs into a corner, V45 follows him.) CHUB: No. No. Get back. Get away from me. [SCENE_BREAK] 17. INT. CORRIDOR junction (ROBOTS walk silently along corridors in a junction area where many corridors meet. POUL steps down into this junction, searching for Chub. He hears a long and blood-curdling scream - it is CHUB's voice. POUL examines the communicator pinned to his chest, and sets off at a run.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. INT. bridge (UVANOV and CASS stand on the raised platform, hard at work beside V21. CASS activates controls on a console. UVANOV speaks into his wrist communicator.) UVANOV: This is the Commander. All checks complete, all systems clear and running. Security robots: stand by to commence hatch lock sequence, now. TOOS: (In background.) Range two zed. Running time point four three. Ground centre zero zero zero. (UVANOV races down the stairs, still speaking into his communicator.) UVANOV: You two movers, stand by to switch to motive power. (UVANOV looks into the green domed instrument, holding handles on its sides.) UVANOV: It's coming right down our throats, so we can really suck the pay stream out of this one. V32: Monitors indicate obstruction on forward scoop deck. UVANOV: Then get it cleared, V32. Get it cleared. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. INT. forward scoop deck (Appearing not to have moved for a while, the DOCTOR now steps through the scoop hatch leading into the darkened scoop chute, crunching underfoot the gravel on the floor. LEELA follows him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. INT. FORWARD SCOOP CHUTE (The DOCTOR and LEELA walk along the chute, towards a huge louvred vent in the foreground. The chute is crusted with sand and gravel. The DOCTOR touches the very weathered chute wall with his fingers.) LEELA: What is it? DOCTOR: A specially hardened alloy. Scored all over. It must come in under great pressure. LEELA: What must? DOCTOR: Whatever it is they fill it up with. [SCENE_BREAK] 21. INT. BRIDGE (V32 watches a monitor which shows a giant industrial claw grabbing the TARDIS and lifting it up and out of the forward scoop deck.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22. EXT. storm mine 4 (Dusty winds swirl around Storm Mine 4 as it continues on its way. The vent pipe below the forward louvred vent blows out dust particles, perhaps preparing for the approaching storm.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. INT. FORWARD SCOOP VENT (The DOCTOR and LEELA reach the end of the chute and stand before the louvred vent. The DOCTOR is interested in the vent, but LEELA looks anxiously back the way they came.) LEELA: Doctor. DOCTOR: This is very interesting. LEELA: Back there. I heard something. DOCTOR: It comes in here. LEELA: What does? DOCTOR: Whatever it is. [SCENE_BREAK] 24. INT. BRIDGE (The work on the bridge continues, with UVANOV, TOOS, CASS and ZILDA at their work stations, and ROBOTS going about their duties.) TOOS: Range point eight seven. Running time point one three. Ground centre zero nine three. UVANOV: It's veering away! (Speaks into wrist communicator.) Mover, where's that power? BORG: (On communicator.) It's coming, sir. UVANOV: So is old age, Borg, and I don't want to spend mine in this desert waiting for you to do your job. TOOS: (In background.) Range point three. Running time point zero two. Ground centre nine nine one. BORG: (On communicator.) Switching to motive units ... now. (POUL enters the bridge, distressed, and crosses to UVANOV.) UVANOV: (Moans.) Oooh. We may just catch the edge but we're gonna have to chase to stay there. POUL: Commander! UVANOV: What is it? POUL: Chub's dead. ZILDA: Dead? UVANOV: You sure? POUL: Of course I'm sure. UVANOV: (Mocking.) Alright, then. First things first. There's nothing we can do for him now. POUL: He was murdered! UVANOV: How do you know? POUL: Because people don't strangle themselves. TOOS: Strangled? POUL: Yes, he's in the forward storage locker. ZILDA: You'll have to abort this one. UVANOV: What, and lose this storm? We're almost onto it! ZILDA: Poul's talking about murder, Commander! UVANOV: I'm talking about money. POUL: You have no choice. ZILDA: (Significantly.) This time. UVANOV: (Grumpy, into communicator.) Close scoops. Trim vents. Crew, stand down. [SCENE_BREAK] 25. INT. forward scoop vent (The DOCTOR and LEELA look through the vent louvres at the desert outside. LEELA is captivated.) LEELA: What is it? DOCTOR: A desert. Either that or the tide's gone out. LEELA: Where are the trees? DOCTOR: There's no water, so nothing grows. Nothing at all by the look of it. LEELA: It's beautiful. DOCTOR: Mm. Bit garish for my taste. LEELA: (Points.) What's that white thing? On the horizon. (Beyond them, we see swirling dust clouds billowing up between craggy mesas.) DOCTOR: Looks like dust. It's a sandstorm. Come on. Come on, let's get out of here. (Firmly.) Come on! This is a sandmine. We're in one of the scoops. LEELA: What does that mean? DOCTOR: The storm could be travelling at a thousand miles an hour. The sand will cut us to pieces unless we get back to the TARDIS. Come on. (He goes. LEELA follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26. EXT. storm mine 4 (The winds have whipped up around the front of the sandminer, blowing dust and rocks in a ferocious storm. The massive vehicle seems to struggle against the gale, but its powerful screwpumps push it ever onward.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27. INT. forward scoop deck (The DOCTOR and LEELA run back along the chute into the scoop deck. But the TARDIS is gone! They need to shout to be heard above the noise of the storm outside.) DOCTOR: We've been robbed! LEELA: I said I heard something. DOCTOR: The shutters. LEELA: What? DOCTOR: If there are no manual controls, we're dead. (The DOCTOR leaps back through the hatch and runs along the chute towards the vent, with LEELA close behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28. INT. FORWARD SCOOP VENT (The louvres of the vent close as the DOCTOR and LEELA reach it.) LEELA: Somebody must have heard. (They turn back to see who it could have been.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29. INT. FORWARD STORAGE LOCKER (POUL points UVANOV inside the forward storage locker, and UVANOV strides towards the dead body of CHUB.) UVANOV: He was like this when you found him? POUL: Just a little fresher. (UVANOV squats, and turns CHUB onto his back. He examines CHUB's neck. POUL also crouches.) UVANOV: You said you heard screams. POUL: Yes. UVANOV: He was strangled. POUL: The scream stopped. (UVANOV finds a red plastic disc with white trim stuck to the back of CHUB's hand. It looks like a bicycle reflector.) UVANOV: What's this? POUL: I've no idea. (UVANOV removes the disc.) UVANOV: Crew all assembled? POUL: They should be by now. UVANOV: Let's get this thing settled then. The sooner we get this worked out, the sooner we get back to making our quota. Scientists! I never should have let him on board! POUL: He'd probably agree with you. UVANOV: Poul! POUL: (With one last, curious look at CHUB.) Coming, Commander. [SCENE_BREAK] 30. INT. forward scoop deck (The DOCTOR and LEELA run back into the scoop deck in frustration.) DOCTOR: There must be a way out! LEELA: I do not think I like this metal world, Doctor. DOCTOR: Well, we can't get out of it till we find the TARDIS. (LEELA, looking behind the DOCTOR, suddenly draws her knife and strikes a defensive pose.) LEELA: Watch it! (Two ROBOTS - V17 and D84 - enter the scoop. D84 approaches close to the DOCTOR, looking him squarely in the face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31. INT. RECREATION ROOM (The human crew has assembled for a meeting. BORG and DASK pace uncertainly. Now fully clothed, BORG wears a pale maroon tunic. TOOS and CASS are deep in anxious conversation. ZILDA is also there, unseen. A VOC stands by the door like a well trained servant. Enter UVANOV and POUL.) UVANOV: All present? DASK: Kerril's not here yet. TOOS: He's on his way, he was in the rear section. But it'll take a while. UVANOV: Right. We'll make a start then. CASS: Right. (The crew take their seats, except for UVANOV and POUL, who remain standing on the steps by the door.) UVANOV: Now, you all know that Chub is dead. One of you killed him. ZILDA: One of us, surely? UVANOV: That's what I said. POUL: No, you did say one of you. UVANOV: Alright, then. One of us killed him. The question is, which one? TOOS: And why? (UVANOV steps down from the door and approaches BORG.) UVANOV: Well, this is a two year tour. Maybe Chub was just beginning to get on somebody's nerves? BORG: Me? ZILDA: (To UVANOV.) He was certainly getting on yours. UVANOV: Yes, but we all know where I was. BORG: I was on the power deck. UVANOV: Was Dask with you? BORG: Yes. DASK: Not all the time. I went to check the synchro relays. BORG: Now, look! I had nothing against Chub. Okay, he talked too much, but I was - ZILDA: Anyway, the time Poul heard the scream - CASS: (Correcting.) A-ah. Says he heard the scream. Let's keep the point open. POUL: Well why should I lie? UVANOV: (To CASS.) Now you interrupted Zilda. Founding family people never interrupt each other. Isn't that right, Zilda? POUL: Someone interrupted Chub. With both hands. UVANOV: Please, Poul. We're all waiting for Zilda. ZILDA: I was simply going to say the scream could have been arranged. TOOS: How? ZILDA: A communicator recording. UVANOV: What'd be the point? ZILDA: To give somebody an alibi, Commander. You sent Poul to look for Chub. You could have arranged it all. TOOS: You mean, the poor man might have been dead when Poul heard the scream? UVANOV: (Dismissive.) Oh, nice try, Zilda. Now. Does anybody know what this is? (UVANOV holds up the red disc. TOOS and BORG reach towards it, curious.) DASK: It's a corpse marker. (At the word 'corpse', TOOS and UVANOV pull away and BORG is left holding the disc. DASK makes a nervous gesture with his fingers.) UVANOV: What? DASK: A robot deactivation disc. They use them in the construction centres. If ever we used the stop circuit and turned off all our robots, they'd have to go back to a construction centre for reactivation. On arrival, each would be marked with a disc like that to show it was a deactivated robot. The technicians call them corpse markers. It's a sort of a joke. POUL: Seems our murderer has a sense of humour. UVANOV: That was on the back of Chub's hand. BORG: Not just a murderer then. Seems like one of us is a maniac. CASS: Use your brain, Borg. We would know, wouldn't we? BORG: But we don't. (BORG places the disc on the back of CASS's hand.) BORG: Do we? [SCENE_BREAK] 32. EXT. storm mine 4 (Outside - mirroring the turmoil on the sandminer - the storm rages on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33. INT. bridge (Seemingly oblivious to the events that have transpired, four VOCS and two DUMBS continue to work calmly on the bridge.) V14: Storm scale sixteen. Range nine point eight. Timed two zero one. Vector seven two and holding. (A silver robot enters the bridge. It is Super Voc SV7, whose appearance is identical to that of the others in every respect but colour.) SV7: Alright, 14. Full crew alert. All of the humans in the rear section are accounted for. Storm Mine 4 is now under complete robot control. Begin the check sequence. [SCENE_BREAK] 34. INT. corridor (V9 leads the DOCTOR and LEELA along a corridor. They come to a door.) LEELA: Doctor, how do you know they're not hostile? [SCENE_BREAK] 35. INT. UVANOV's quarters (V9 goes through the door and enters Uvanov's quarters. The DOCTOR and LEELA follow it inside. The door is on an upper level that forms an L-shaped platform at the back of the room, bounded by an elegant metal banister. A few stairs lead down to a sunken area containing a comfortable padded couch and desk. The dŽcor is again strikingly art deco and pleasing to the eye.) DOCTOR: Because robots are programmed to help people, not hurt them. You won't hurt us, will you? V9: Please wait here. (V9 exits. LEELA descends the stairs and examines some strange objects on the desk. The DOCTOR listens at the door for activity outside.) LEELA: What's all this for? DOCTOR: Mineral extraction. The surface of this planet is a sea of sand - [SCENE_BREAK] 36. INT. corridor outside uvanov's quarters (A ROBOT listens at the door to the DOCTOR and LEELA's conversation.) DOCTOR: (Through door.) - probably several miles deep and constantly moving. And I imagine contains valuable metallic elements. Otherwise they wouldn't go to all this trouble. [SCENE_BREAK] 37. INT. uvanov's quarters LEELA: Like those creepy mechanical men. DOCTOR: Yes. (The DOCTOR moves away from the door and investigates the room. LEELA tests out the couch, kneeling on its cushiony softness and bouncing.) DOCTOR: I have seen a similar sort of thing on Kilarna Beta. The mine passes over the surface searching for useful ores. Naturally, the heavier elements tend to sink in the substratas. So a really good sandstorm is a bonus - it stirs things up a bit. LEELA: Sometimes you talk like a Tesh. DOCTOR: Thank you. LEELA: It was not well meant. Are the mechanical men friendly? DOCTOR: Robots don't have feelings. It's the people they serve we must hope are friendly. LEELA: Perhaps there are no people here. DOCTOR: What? Robots don't need chairs, and certainly not padded ones. LEELA: (Smiling, pleased with her insight.) Because they have no feelings? (SV7 enters, remaining on the upper level of the room.) SV7: Please identify yourselves. DOCTOR: Well, I'm the Doctor and that's Leela. I wonder if it's possible for us to speak to the person in charge. I'd like to thank him for saving our lives. SV7: I command. DOCTOR: Well thank you for saving our lives. SV7: What are you doing here? LEELA: Er ... well the other mechanical man told us to wait. SV7: What were you doing in the scoop? DOCTOR: Trying to get out. SV7: Please wait here. (SV7 leaves, closing the door.) LEELA: Talkative. (The DOCTOR ascends to the door. LEELA jumps up and follows.) LEELA: No, Doctor. He said we must wait here. (The DOCTOR unlocks the door with his sonic screwdriver and it opens with a hum. He looks out to ensure the corridor is clear.) DOCTOR: First we find the TARDIS. Then we have a little scout round. And we'll be back before they know. LEELA: Doctor! (But he is gone. LEELA takes out her knife and cautiously exits the room, following the DOCTOR down the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38. INT. recreation room (UVANOV stands by the door, speaking into his wrist communicator.) UVANOV: Right. Hold them there. (A tone signifies the end of the communication. UVANOV cheerfully descends the steps into the room, where the human crew are still seated. ROBOTS stand around the periphery of the room, ready as always to take orders.) UVANOV: Well, that settles that then. CASS: I told you. Didn't I say so? Maniacs. UVANOV: Come on, let's all get back to work. POUL: Now just a minute! ZILDA: Yes, what do you mean 'let's get back to work'? UVANOV: You heard SV7. There are intruders. A man and a woman. They're obviously the murderers and we've got them under lock and key. BORG: Why are they obviously the murderers? I don't see that. CASS: You just don't like to be wrong, do you? BORG: Nobody's proved that I am. I mean, who are these people? ZILDA: Could they be ore raiders? BORG: Ore raiders? There's no such thing. UVANOV: No, listen. We're at this moment in the middle of the biggest storm we've come across since we started this tour and we are wasting time. BORG: The robots are mining. UVANOV: Robots do not have instincts. They'll be lucky to get half of what we can get. We are not out in the middle of this desert for pleasure. We are here to make money. So get on your feet. And get back to work. (No one moves.) UVANOV: That is an order! BORG: Give it to a robot. UVANOV: What did you say? TOOS: Commander. We've got to find out about those two. POUL: For all we know, there may be more of them. CASS: Makes sense. DASK: If there are more of them, they'll be caught. In the meantime as the Commander suggests, I think we should return to our posts. ZILDA: Why? Nothing's changed. UVANOV: (Resigned.) Alright. (Activates communicator, and speaks into it.) Seven. SV7: Yes, Commander? UVANOV: Bring the man and the woman here. SV7: I was about to inform you, Commander. They have escaped. BORG: You see? DASK: What? UVANOV: Escaped? Then you better find them and find them quick. Put every spare robot on it. [SCENE_BREAK] 39. INT. corridor (The DOCTOR and LEELA walk slowly through the sandminer, watchful. The DOCTOR passes an open door and continues onward. LEELA goes through it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40. INT. FORWARD Storage locker (LEELA enters the storage locker. Everything is just the same as before, except for the presence of a gurney covered in a light green plastic sheet. LEELA examines the packages on the shelves, then bumps into the gurney. She pulls back the sheet to reveal the dead CHUB.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41. INT. corridor in hopper area (Meanwhile, the DOCTOR has wandered into a more open, industrial part of the sandminer. Here he finds the TARDIS, parked in a nook. He grins, and pats it.) DOCTOR: Hello, my dear old thing. (He walks back the way he came, and his attention is caught by the open door of a hopper. He swings the door back and watches through the transparent hatch as ore fills the hopper.) DOCTOR: The ore comes in under pressure from the separators. I wonder what it is, Leela. What do you think, Lee - (He swings around, realising that he is alone.) DOCTOR: - la? Leela? I wish that girl wouldn't wander off like that. (He walks back a little way further, coming to another hopper door. He opens it and steps inside. It is dark. He shines a torch around the hopper interior and lights on a dead body curled in the corner. He steps across to investigate, crouching by the body and turning it over - the body has eye makeup like the sandmine crew, but it is not a person we have met. Suddenly, the door and the hatch close behind the DOCTOR, and ore begins to rain down on his head from a chute in the ceiling. The ore buries the dead body. It looks like it will soon bury the DOCTOR too ... )

Plan: A: The TARDIS; Q: What materializes aboard a sandminer? A: TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's time machine? A: a sandminer; Q: What kind of ship does the TARDIS materialize on? A: a desert planet; Q: What kind of planet is the sandminer on? A: a robot labor force; Q: What is the labor force on the sandminer? A: one; Q: How many crewmen are strangled to death? A: one crewman; Q: How many crewmen were strangled? A: the prime suspects; Q: Who are the Doctor and Leela? Summary: The TARDIS materialize aboard a sandminer, a mining ship on a desert planet run by a robot labor force headed by a fairly small but sniping human crew. As one crewman is discovered strangled to death, the Doctor and Leela arrive just in time to become the prime suspects.

[Scene: Manor. Bathroom. Piper and Leo are in the shower. They are giggling.] Piper: See, we finally found a place where we can be alone. Leo: Yeah, his is perfect. Now all we have to do is move all our stuff in here and nobody will bother us. Piper: Yeah. (They kiss. There's a knock at the door and Phoebe walks in covering her eyes.) Phoebe: I'm not looking at anything and I do not see anything. No one's looking, no one's looking at anything. (She peeks through the gap between her fingers.) I just need to get my gloss. Piper: Phoebe! Phoebe: I'm sorry, were you guys in the middle of the... ew! Piper: No, not yet. Phoebe, would you just get out of here! (Phoebe gets her gloss out of a drawer.) Phoebe: Found it. Okay, I'm going now. Outta here. Found the gloss. (She heads towards the door.) Piper: Watch out for the... (Phoebe runs into the wall.) Phoebe: Ooh! Ow, I'm okay. (She leaves.) [Time lapse. Piper's room. Piper and Leo are in their robes. Prue walks in.] Prue: Hey, you guys. Piper: Heya, Prue, are you lost? Prue: Uh, no, but my keys are. Have you seen them? Piper: No, have you seen the way out? Prue: Uh, I-I-I knocked didn't I? Piper: But you didn't wait for an answer. Prue: Oh, right, god, I'm really sorry. Look at me. Look at me, I'm leaving, I'm leaving. Piper: Yes. (Prue leaves.) Leo: Well, we knew what we were getting into. Piper: So maybe it's time we get out of it. Leo: What do you mean? Piper: Okay, once upon a time before we were witchy women, Prue and I shared this amazing apartment in North Beach. But then when Grams got sick, we decided to move back to the manor for a while, and we gave up the apartment to friends and your wife was smart enough to keep in touch with them. Leo: Should I be taking notes? Piper: They're moving out. They're moving out and they will give us first shot at taking over the lease. Leo: Whoa. Are you sure we can? Piper: Well, the rent's a little steep but... Leo: No, no, no, I mean, the bigger are you sure we can. You guys didn't get your powers until you all moved back in together. There might be some supernatural ramifications to living apart. Piper: Okay, but what about the marital ramifications to living together? I mean, Leo, everything we do is about navigating our charmed lives. I mean, when do we get to concentrate on our married life? Maybe this apartment falling into our laps is a sign. A sign that it's time to move out of the manor and in together. (They kiss.) What do you think the odds are of pulling this off before the next demon attacks? [Scene: A witch's apartment. A witch is kneeling in front of her altar, chanting. Five candles are floating around her. Something lurks behind her. Her black cat jumps on her lap and gives her a fright.] Witch: Oh! Shadow. You gave me a fright, little one. You know better than to interrupt me during ritual. Now go. Go. (The cat walks away. The witch continues chanting. The cat jumps on the bar and knocks off a bottle.) What on earth are you doing? (The cat knocks another bottle off.) Shadow? (The cat hisses at her.) Don't do this. Please. (It pushes another bottle full of black liquid closer to the edge.) No! (The cat pushes the bottle off with its paw and it smashes on the floor. The cat jumps on the floor and stands in the liquid. Mist surrounds the cat and it changes into a human.) Man: What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? (She screams and disappears.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Leo are sitting around the table. Prue, Phoebe and Leo are reading the different sections out of the newspaper. Piper's just sitting there.] Phoebe: Flakes. (Leo passes Phoebe the Corn Flakes.) Prue: Ugh, the Warriors. Phoebe: Pathetic defense. Leo: Someone pass the, uh... Phoebe: Yeah, I got it. Hey, what time does the BART...? Prue: Every fifteen minutes on a Saturday. Phoebe: Good. Mamma needs a new pair of shoes. I know, limited funds. I'll limit my shopping to window, I promise. Prue: I will gladly trade somebody for the opinion page. Piper: Leo and I are moving. (Everyone puts down their papers.) Thinking of moving, out of the manor. Um, milk? Prue: Excuse me? Phoebe: Wait a minute. Life altering plans can not be squeezed in between 'pass the newspaper' and 'who ate the Special K?'. Piper: Okay, look, we all knew this would happen sooner or later. It's just sooner. Well, actually, it's later because I've been married for weeks and we're still living in a bedroom with the wallpaper I picked out when I was nine. Not to mention the bathroom sharing and the family breakfasts. Prue: And the whole saving the world on a weekly basis thing. I mean, Piper, we don't live here just for sentimental value, alright. We live here because we're the strongest here. Piper: Right, I know. Leo, a little assist? Leo: Well, there have been times when you've handled things on your own, I mean, without Piper. Piper: Like when I went to Hawaii or when I went away with Leo and everything was fine. Phoebe: Do I get to kick her first? Prue: Everything was not fine, Piper, alright. The charmed gig is all about being a trio, alright. Without you... Leo: Well, you'd still have her. We wouldn't be moving far. Piper: Just far enough so I can have my own life. Our own life. We all knew this would happen, I'm just the one that's saying it first. We can't live together forever. Prue: Right, and we also can not ignore the responsibility that we inherited from our family. Piper: Well, you guys have to try and understand I have two families now. Besides, wasn't it you, Miss Phoebe, who moved to New York three years ago? Phoebe: No, no, that doesn't count. That was before the whole destiny thing kicked in. We didn't get our powers until six months after Grams died. Speaking of, what do you think she would say if she knew you were even considering this? [Flashback: Three years earlier. Manor. Kitchen. Prue is there talking on the phone. Grams walks in holding the newspaper.] Grams: Morons! Why does that pre-pubescent have to throw the paper in the shrubbery? Prue: (on phone) Roger seems to have forgotten an entire forest of his family tree so now the head count for the ceremony is up to 180. I know (Piper walks in.) Piper: Grams! The doctor was very clear when he said no caffeine. Here, have some nice tea. (She gets the tea out of the cupboard.) Prue: (on phone) No, that would just be my sister yelling and it will be a lot easier when I move out. Piper: (Yelling) Grams, where's the paper? (Grams hands her the paper. Piper smiles.) Prue: (on phone) Can I call you back? Thank you. (Prue hangs up.) Grams: You know, I'm so glad to have the two of you in the same place. It's a rarity. Oh, listen, do me a favour, I just treated myself and bought tada! (Holds up a camera.) Prue: A great new camera. Even though it's last years model. What is it? A '96? Grams: Well, I just like to just get a picture, you know. Piper: Did you say you were moving out? Prue: Yes, I did. We can't all live here with Grams forever. Grams: Yeah, uh, maybe just a couple of quick shots, you know, candids. Piper: Uh, when was this decided? Prue: Oh, I don't know, probably when I was proposed to. (Grams grabs her chest.) Grams: Uh, maybe later. Piper: Grams? (They go over to her.) Please sit down. Prue: You only just got back from hospital. Grams: Okay, I'll take it easy. (The doorbell rings.) After I get that. [Cut to the foyer. Prue and Piper follow Grams in. Grams opens the door. Phoebe and two policemen are standing there.] Phoebe: Oh, you guys didn't have to get out of bed for little old me. Cop: Mrs. Halliwell? Grams: Can I hear what she did first before I answer that? Cop: She was caught shoplifting. Phoebe: Oh, that is so not true, I just forgot to pay for them, Grams. The store's not even pressing charges. Grams: Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh, please don't sound so disappointed. Look, you're always talking about how we should spend more time together and, well, here we all are. Okay, that was really fun. (Phoebe walks inside.) Grams: Phoebe, what is the matter with you? How can you behave so recklessly? What about your destiny, your-your future? Phoebe: Well, maybe my future plans don't match up to the ones that you've mapped out. Cop: We're, uh, gonna need to take back those shoes that you Phoebe: Forgot to pay for? Cop: Right. (Phoebe takes off the shoes.) [Cut back to the present. Phoebe is at a shoe store. She hands a pair of shoes back to the salesman.] Phoebe: They're just out of my price range. Salesman: But they're Phoebe: Perfect, I know. And I'm sure all these will be perfect too. (She hands back more shoes. The salesman walks away. Phoebe picks up another shoe.) Okay, I'm weak, can you show me this one too? (The warlock stands behind Phoebe and takes the shoe off her. He throws it away. Phoebe turns around and his eyes glow.) Or not. Warlock: Those were so last season. (Phoebe swings a punch and he blocks it. He flips her over. He then levitates her in the air.) Phoebe: Whoa, down boy. (He drops her on the floor.) Whoa, who'd you steal that power from? Warlock: That's for me to know and you to find (Phoebe kicks him and he falls into a chair.) Phoebe: I hear spikes are making a come back. (She throws a high heeled shoe at him and it sticks in his forehead. He disappears.) [Scene: A box store. Piper and Leo walk out carrying a pile of flattened boxes.] Piper: I think we got too many boxes. Leo: No, we didn't. Piper: Are you saying I have too much stuff? Leo: Yes, I am. Piper: You do realize the only reason I'm letting you get away with that is because you're the only one on my team right now. Leo: Yes, I do. They just need a little time to get used to the idea. Piper: Well, moving out is a big deal for me too. I could use some support right now. (The same warlock as before walks up to Piper and makes her fly up into the air. She freezes him and she lands on the ground. He starts to fight through her freeze.) Leo, help! (Leo throws her a Stanley knife.) Leo: Piper. Piper: What am I supposed to do with this? (He motions to stab the warlock.) No, no way. Too messy. Too violent. (She stabs the warlock anyway and he disappears.) Leo: You okay? [Flashback. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are standing outside the manor, while Grams is trying to take a photo of them.] Phoebe: I'm fine. Whatever. Grams: Okay, girls, now if you could just move a little closer, okay? Uh, Phoebe, turn to me, I wanna be able to get your good side. Piper: I don't think she has one today, Grams. Phoebe: Can we please get this over with? Prue: Why? You got plans? Grams: Prue, all I'm getting is shoulder. Prue: Anyone that I know? Phoebe: I'm sure lying beneath all that sarcasm there is a point. And if it has anything to do with Roger Prue: Well, I mean, he said that you called him yesterday. Phoebe: Looking for you. Prue, I'm not gonna defend myself when I didn't do anything wrong. Prue: Really? Phoebe: Just trying to be nice to the guy considering he's gonna be part of this family soon. You know, which I'm not even sure I wanna be part of this family. Grams: The sun is shifting. Could you move down a step please? (They do so.) Phoebe: And why would I spend my time on a wimp who's got mother issues? Prue: I don't know, but why should I believe anything that you say? I mean, you don't even know what the difference between what belongs to you and what belongs to, oh, let's say Macy's. Piper: Alrighty then. Are we done? (Grams gasps and grabs her chest.) Phoebe: Grams. (They go over to her.) Prue: Grams. Piper: Okay, okay, take shallow breaths. Prue: Should I call the doctor? Grams: No doctor. Just a picture. Is it too much for an old lady to ask her granddaughters to retract their claws, stand still and look at me long enough to take one lousy picture? (The girls stand on the lawn and pose for the camera. Grams takes the picture.) [Cut back to the present. Prue walks in the foyer from the living room. Phoebe comes through the front door carrying two shoeboxes.] Prue: Hi, what happened to the window when you're shopping? Phoebe: Turns out these were a ride off. Who knew product spring line could be used to fight evil? I killed a— (Piper walks in.) Piper: Warlock appeared outta nowhere, had to kill him. Phoebe: Wait, you too? Prue: Uh, me three. Warlock attacked me in the attic. Piper: Did we miss a convention? Phoebe: Well, if so I got the runt. Bad teeth, funky clothes and way easy to kill. Prue: Black hair? Piper: Bad breath? Phoebe: You know him? Prue: Uh, I think I killed him. (The warlock appears.) Warlock: Care to try again? (The warlock makes Piper fly up into the corner of the room. Phoebe stabs the warlock in the back with the tip of an umbrella. Piper falls to the floor. Prue helps her up.) Phoebe: Okay, so that does it. Piper: Again? Phoebe: Okay, does anyone else think that was weird? Like he wasn't even trying? Piper: Almost as if he wasn't even interested. What do you think he was up to? Phoebe: Or is up to? How do we know he's really gone? Prue: We don't. But we all have vanquished him once today. Phoebe: And? Prue: Well, what if he can't be vanquished? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Attic. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are there looking through the Book of Shadows.] Phoebe: (singing) Ahh, we're gonna vanquish all the live (Prue gives her a look. The pages of the Book of Shadows flip by themselves. It stops at a page.) Whoa. Prue: Okay. Piper: Thanks Grams. Phoebe: It's so weird that we listed to her more now than when she was alive. Prue: (reading from the Book) “How to perform a Séance. A ceremony to contact the dead.” Piper: But the guy we're dealing with won't die. So that's not gonna help. Prue: Yeah, I don't know, Grams must be very, very, very confused. (Prue closes the Book but it opens back up.) Phoebe: Very testy also. Hmm. Okay, we're gonna need six candles white and purple, some burnings, cinnamon, frankincense, and sandalwood. Piper, you wanna grab the white cloth? (Prue and Phoebe search in a trunk for the ingredients. Piper goes over to another trunk.) Piper: You know, this trunk would go great at the foot of our bed. Prue: Yeah, my foot would look great on your butt. You are so not taking that, okay? It holds all of our ritual stuff. Piper: I just want things to remember this place by. (She picks up a bottle.) How about this? Something to bring a piece of Grams to my place. Prue: Okay, Sweetie, can we try to contact the dead now, please? [Time lapse. The girls have everything set up and are sitting around a table.] All: “Beloved unknown spirit. We seek your guidance, we ask you to commune with us and move among us.” (They repeat it. A witch appears.) Witch: Forgive me, but why ? Phoebe: We don't know. Piper: We were told in a round about sort of way that you might be able to help us. Witch: Are you witches? You're the three sister witches, the Charmed ones, aren't you? Phoebe: And you're a witch too? Witch: I-I was. I'm sorry, this is so new. I haven't exactly figured it all out yet. Prue: We think that we're against an evil that can't be killed. We've nixed him four times but Phoebe: And since you're the only one that answered our call Witch: The spirits must think I know who you're up against. Phoebe: Right. Witch: You said you've killed him four times? Prue: Yeah, and it's like he just keeps on coming back for more. Like he Witch: Wants to die. Piper: Do you know who he is? Witch: He was my familiar. A feline I called Shadow. He's a warlock now. A familiar he becomes when he betrays his witch. Prue: That must be why we can't kill him. The whole nine lives thing. Piper: So if we kill him five more times he should be gone though, right? Witch: No, that's exactly what you can't do. See, once a familiar becomes a warlock, they have until the next new moon to purge itself of its new life. If it succeeds, it becomes immortal. If it fails, it returns to its animal state for eternity. Shadow was a cat. So it has to shed all nine of its familiar lives. Phoebe: So why bother us? Why not just jump in front of nine buses? Prue: Because we're the only ones strong enough to kill him. Piper: And he knew where to find us. What, are we like in the Warlocks Guide of San Francisco? Phoebe: Okay, so this should be a piece of cake. All we have to do is make sure we don't kill this guy five more times before the next full moon. Piper: That's two days, no problem. Prue: I'm sorry, this just seems so callous. I mean, you just lost your life and we're treating you like 411. Witch: It's okay. It's just, I'm at peace now. The one's I loved When someone's taken from you, suddenly there are no goodbyes. Prue: Something we're all too familiar with. Witch: At its core, evil exists for one reason, to spread loss. Be careful not to lose each other. Take care and blessed be. (She disappears. Piper blows out the candle.) [Flashback. Attic. Grams closed a window] Grams: Damn wind keeps blowing out my candles. I'm sorry, Patty, I got cut off. (She lights a candle and Patty appears.) It's just what troubles me about your daughters is not where they came from, it's where they're going. Patty: It's just a phase. When their destiny's revealed, they'll come together. Grams: But what if they don't? What if they never do? What if the gift is too much for them to handle and they ? Well, regardless, I fear there may be only one option if I can't find a way to bring these girls together. Patty: Mother, that's nonsense. Grams: Perhaps. Good night my darling. (She blows out the candle.) [Cut to the present. Manor. Kitchen. It's pitch black. Phoebe walks in. Phoebe: Hey, who turned out the lights? (Phoebe turns on the light and the warlock attacks her. He throws her over the table. She kicks him and he falls on a knife. He disappears.) Uh-oh! (Prue and Piper run in.) Piper: What happened? Phoebe: I think I killed a warlock again. Prue: Ugh, Phoebe! Piper: Phoebe! Phoebe: Well, I didn't mean to. It was a gut reaction. You know, self preservation and stuff. Prue: Hmm. (Prue leaves the kitchen. Phoebe and Piper follow.) You know, I've been thinking. I'm pretty sure he won't actually hurt us. I mean he needs us. So, let's just say he knocks one of us off. Piper: Then the power of three will be broken and we wouldn't have the strength to kill him. Phoebe: And then he takes a permanent cat nap. But we're assuming that he's smart enough to know this. I mean, what if he shouldn't kill us and we just sit there and watch it happen? Prue: Yeah, well, what other choice do we have? I mean, we kill him four more times, he wins, becomes more powerful that we can handle. Either way we lose. Piper: I vote for not losing at all. (Phoebe sees boxes of Piper's stuff sitting in the foyer.) Phoebe: Wow! Piper: Uh, yeah, sorry. I'll get all that stuff out of the way as soon as Phoebe: You're really doing this, huh? Piper: Yeah. You know, we have lived apart before. Prue: Our lives were apart, Piper. It's different now. I just think that we need to talk this through, that way we all know exactly what the consequences are for all of us. (Kit meows.) Phoebe: Ooh, saved by the meow. You know, I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to look at Kit quite in the same way. Or get undressed in front of him for that matter. Piper: You guys are right, we should talk this through. (Piper heads for the door.) [Flashback. Piper opens the front door and Kit is standing on the porch.] Piper: Ugh, why does this stupid cat keep hanging around? Who do you belong to? Go home. Shoo! (Prue walks out.) What did you wanna talk about? Prue: Uh, let's just go for a walk. (They start walking down the stairs.) Hi, Kitty. So, there's just a little detail about the wedding. It hasn't been worked out yet. Just listen to me, okay? I want you to be my maid of honour. Piper: Me? (They start walking down the street.) Prue: I mean, it's not like I would actually ask Phoebe. Piper: So I win by default? Wow, Prue, you really know how to flatter a girl. Prue: Piper, can you just give me the tiniest of breaks here, okay? This is not how I would ever thought this whole thing would happen. Oh my God, I would love for both of my sisters to be my best friend but clearly that is not the case. And maybe one day things will change but Piper: Prue, it's gonna take more than time. I mean, I'm happy for you, I-I am and I know you have all these big plans but what about the rest of us? I mean, you move in with Roger and then I'm stuck here alone taking care of Grams and Phoebe's out of control. What if, what if there's an emergency? What if something happens? Prue: Okay, I won't be far away, it's not like you guys won't be able to get a hold of me. Piper: I just think we should talk this through so we know what the consequences are. Okay, look, maybe a part of me is jealous because, I mean, you've got this great guy and you're gonna have this beautiful wedding and I'm just not very good with guys. Sometimes I think I'll never find true love. Prue: Piper (Leo walks past and bumps into piper.) Piper: Oh, sorry. Leo: No, it's my fault, sorry. (Piper looks back at him and then continues walking. Leo orbs out.) [Cut to the present. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are having coffee at a café.] Piper: You know, just because I'm moving out doesn't mean we still can't do this. Phoebe: What? Mainline caffeine while waxing on warlock issues? Piper: No, hangout. You know, I don't wanna be one of those old married lepers that nobody thinks if fun anymore. Prue: You've never been fun, Piper. Piper: I've always been fun, Prue. I am just Mrs. Fun now. Prue: Oh, Mrs. Fun. You know, the life changes from the move will work it self out, it's the supernatural ones we're concerned about. Piper: But we get attacked separately all the time. Like yesterday, and we just came together and sorted it out then. (The warlock appears in the chair next to them.) Warlock: You know, you girls are getting harder and harder to find. I was beginning to think you were trying to avoid me. Prue: Wow, you've been thinking. That's a pretty big step for a warlock. Ugh, god, I am so sorry, that was awfully catty of me, wasn't it? Warlock: Is this the part where I'm supposed to go 'whoo, they did research' and run away? Phoebe: Might be a good idea. Warlock: Or what? You'll kill me? Piper: No, actually, we'll do worse. We won't touch you. Warlock: Look at that. Witches think they have this one figured out. Well, let me tell you all something. (He grabs a woman who walks past.) You'll dance if you don't notice death. (The warlock stabs the woman in the back. Piper freezes everyone. Phoebe picks up a knife and stabs the warlock. He disappears and the woman falls to the floor.) Phoebe: Oh my god. Prue: Call 911. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are there. Piper is putting ingredients in a pot.] Phoebe: That girl. There's just no reason. I got used to there being a reason, you know, an explanation. But she didn't even... Prue: Stand a chance. But there was a reason, Pheebs, he was sending a message. Piper: Yeah, and we got it loud and clear. But there's nothing we can do that we haven't already done. Phoebe: So, what, he just keeps killing until we kill him? Piper: Which is exactly what he wants. Prue: Exactly what we can't do. Uh, is that a potion? Piper: I wouldn't know where to begin. I'm just keeping my hands busy. It's something Grams taught me, actually. To improvise. But all I've come up with is mud. Phoebe: So how do we kill a warlock we know we shouldn't be killing? Prue: Well, we've only got three more chances to figure that out. [Flashback: Manor. Kitchen. Grams is there making a potion. Piper walks in.] Piper: I am going to finish the brownies and don't even try and stop me. Grams: Well, I'm afraid Prue's beaten you to it. But I've got a back up. What do you say we whip up your favourite double chocolate decadence cake. Piper: Isn't decadence French for 'don't even think about it'? What are you making? Grams: Oh, just keeping my hands busy. (Phoebe walks in and gets a key off of the hook.) Oh, Phoebe, uh, Piper and I were just thinking of whipping up something we'll regret tomorrow. Care to join us? (Phoebe doesn't answer.) Where you headed? Phoebe: Out. (She leaves.) Piper: On second thought... do you need a hand? (She throws some ingredients in a pot. Grams smiles.) What? Grams: How do you know what to add? Piper: Well, you needed to balance the mustard seed which can be kind of harsh, and the sea salt brings out the flavour of the, um... Grams... Grams: Piper, you were born for this, literally. Why do you insist on wasting your talents behind some counter in a bank? Piper: Because my talents don't come with health benefits. Prue's getting married and Phoebe's, well, Phoebe. You know, somebody has to be practical. Grams: Not at the expense of her dreams. Piper: No, at the expense of losing this house and not being able to pay your hospital bills. I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you. (They hug.) Grams: You could never do that. Piper: I'm just doing what I have to. It's okay. (She leaves the room.) Grams: So am I. (She fills up a small bottle with the potion. She holds it up.) My sweet girls. You're just not ready. I've got to stop you from becoming... [Cut back to the present. Manor. Living room. The warlock is sitting on the couch.] Warlock: The Charmed Ones. What does a fella have to do to get killed around here? Prue: Not gonna happen. Warlock: Hmm, I could sever a head. Only take a second. (He stands up.) Piper: Don't even think about it. (She freezes him.) Wait a minute, that's it. I'll just keep freezing him until midnight. A new moon means bye-bye bad guy, right? (He fights through her freeze.) Warlock: I'm just going to keep getting better and better at this. Phoebe: Oh, it was a thought. (They run into the foyer.) Warlock: Come on, time's wasting. You know, I'm just going to keep on killing. And the next one won't go so fast. The next one I'll saver. You're telling me all you're gonna do is stand back and watch? How many people have to die before you do what I ask? Prue: None. (Prue uses her power and a letter opener stabs the warlock. He disappears.) I'm sorry, I... Piper: Had to. Phoebe: I would've done it first but you beat me to it. Prue: Alright, well, he's only got two more lives left. Piper: And we've only got one option. Phoebe: But we already looked in the book. Prue: We look again. No more pussy-footing around. [Flashback: Attic. Grams is flipping through the Book of Shadows. Patty's spirit is there.] Patty: Why now, mother? Grams: We both know why. We're just not willing to say it. Patty: Please dont. Grams: I'm not well, Parry. When I die... Patty: Mother. Grams: When I die, the girls will receive their powers. I have to stop that from happening. Patty: But it's their destiny. It's what they're meant to be. Grams: Who are we to decide that they're meant to be witches? Patty: Who are we to decide that they're not? This isn't your choice to make. Grams: But the girls are mine to protect. (Grams grabs her chest.) Patty: Mum, are you alright? Grams: I'm fine. Don't change the subject. Patty, they're not ready. Do you really want me to put them directly in harms way? Goodnight. (She blows out the candle and Patty disappears. She uses telekinesis to open a chest and puts the Book of Shadows in it. She picks up the small bottle.) It's now or never. (She walks out of the attic and locks the door. She goes to the stairs. She screams out in pain and grabs her chest. She drops the bottle and falls to the bottom of the stairs. Piper runs over to her.) Piper: Grams? Grams? Prue! Phoebe! Somebody help! (Prue and Phoebe run up to them.) Prue: Oh my god, Grams. Piper: Oh, god, Grams. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. The warlock is there yelling. He disappears.] Prue: Well, that's number eight. Piper: One life to live. Phoebe: I know life isn't fair, but this sucks. Piper: I know, he left a stain, but I think with a little water and... Phoebe: Uh, no. Death isn't brief, it's permanent, and this guy gets to cheat it not once but nine times. Piper: Yeah, cheaters aren't supposed to profit. Prue: You know, if he had any idea what death is really like, you know, the real thing not the abridged version, he wouldn't be so hot under the collar to do it again. Phoebe: What if we showed him. Piper: What do you mean? Phoebe: Well, every time he dies he feels pain, right? Prue: Yeah, but only for a second. Phoebe: But what if somehow we could catch him in that second? The instant of death in that one moment where he actually feels pain, and then magnify it nine times. Piper: Then he would feel the pain of nine deaths and it actually might be enough to kill him. I like it. Prue: Well, we've only got one shot. Any other ideas? (Phoebe shakes her head.) Then lets do it. [Flashback: Manor. Piper picks up the bottle on the stairs. Prue stands at the bottom of the stairs.] Prue: Hey. Piper: Hey. Prue: You okay? Piper: I'm... I'm not really. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this, Prue. I mean, not just losing her, it's the funeral arrangements and the doctors and the lawyers... and there's nobody left to help us. Prue: For what it's worth, the service today was really beautiful. Piper: (starting to cry) She would've liked what you said. Prue: Thanks. I know that this is gonna sound strange but... do you think that she heard? Piper: Yeah, I think she did. [Cut to the living room. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Prue and Piper come down the stairs.] Prue: I'd still like to know what she was doing up there. Phoebe: Up where? Prue: Piper thinks that Grams was up in the attic before she died. Phoebe: That's not possible. She always told us that the attic was sealed off. Piper: Yeah, well, then what was she doing coming down the stairs? Phoebe: Um, I think the more important question is what are we doing? Prue: What do you mean? Phoebe: I mean, precisely what Grams was always concerned about. Our future. The only reason we're all still here together is because of her and now, Prue, you've already got one foot out the door, and Piper, I know you don't wanna bunk with me any longer than you have to, so let's just face it, she was the glue. Piper: Why don't we talk about this over dinner. I'll make one of Grams' favourite meals. She always liked the idea of me being in the kitchen. Prue: Uh, actually, I'm sort of supposed to spend the night with Roger. Piper: What about you, Pheebs? Table for two? Phoebe: Uh, actually, I was thinking about getting outta here. Piper: Are you going out? Phoebe: No. Going away. I, um, I'm not sure what my future holds but I do know it's not in San Francisco. (Phoebe picks up a bag.) Prue: Phoebe, you don't have to... Phoebe: It's okay. We all know that the only thing that I contribute to this threesome is trouble, so... I'm gonna go and see what New York thinks of me. Whatever my destiny may be, I might find it there. Piper: Phoebe, what about school? Phoebe: Well, school will still be there if I come back. Grams always said that we all had a purpose. Maybe we'll have an easier time finding it on our own. (Phoebe leaves.) Prue: Uh, I guess I'm gonna... Piper: Yep. (Phoebe leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Prue comes out of the living room, Phoebe comes down the stairs and Piper comes out of the living room.] Prue: Spell? Phoebe: Check! Potion? Piper: Check! Sharp painful implement? Prue: Check. (Prue holds up a fireplace tool.) Phoebe: Ooh, nice choice. Prue: Thank you. Piper: So what is our level of confidence in this plan? Phoebe: Well, on a scale from one to ten, ten being we whip ass, one being he laughs at us while we're on fire and naked... Piper: Maybe you should lie to me. (The warlock bursts in.) Warlock: Hello, ladies. Hmm, I love the smell of defeated witch in the evening. Prue: Yeah, can we just get this over with, please? Warlock: Oh, it's fine when you want to have coffee, but when I want to exchange pleasantries, you're in a hurry to kill me. Where are your manners? Phoebe: We lost them when that girl lost her life. Warlock: And who's fault is that? Wait a minute, do you think I'm an idiot? You've got something up your sleeve. (Phoebe looks at Prue and Piper.) Phoebe: Hello? Sleeveless. Warlock: You know the moment that I gain immortality, I'm coming back here to mangle your pretty little faces. Piper: You wanna die or not? Warlock: Do it. Prue: Alrighty then. Ready? (Prue throws the tool at him.) Now! (Piper freezes him and throws a potion at him.) All: "Nine times this evil's cheated death, felt no pain and kept his breath, this warlock standing in our midst, let him feel what he has missed." (Black ghostly shadows float around him.) Warlock: No! No! No! (The warlock explodes and disappears.) Piper: Okay, was that for good? Prue: Well, if it wasn't, he's really gonna miss his ear because it looks like part of it's dripping off the clock. Piper: Yecch. Phoebe: Um, ninth time's the charm. That was definitely different, he's gone for good. Piper: And yet somehow we're still here, still together. Phoebe: Not for long. Is there anything special you wanna do on your last night here? Piper: Um, I don't know. I guess, can I have a couple of minutes alone? Prue: Yeah, uh, we'll be upstairs if you, you know. (Prue and Phoebe go upstairs. Piper sits down and pulls a small bottle out of a box. She sees a note stuck to the bottom of it.) [Cut to outside. Leo is packing the car. Piper comes out.] Leo: Everything okay? Piper: Am I that obvious? Leo: No, I'm just incredibly perceptive. You wanna pull up a tailgate? (They sit on the tailgate of the car.) Piper: Um, something just doesn't feel right. I mean, I know this stuff has to happen and I want it to happen, it's just that when Prue, Phoebe and I moved back in together, it made us sisters again. And I don't think we're ready to test that yet. And then there's this. (She hands Leo the note.) I think we both know what those ingredients would do to us. And the fact that Grams was willing to keep us from being witches, to keep us together. Well, that should mean something shouldn't it? Are you gonna hate me? Leo: not if we can hire movers to move everything back in. (She hugs him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Prue and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Piper walks past.] Prue: Hey, can we talk to you for a second? It's kind of important. Piper: Sure. Everything okay? Phoebe: Yeah, it's, um, it's just we're more than excited that you and Leo decided to move back in... Um, we sort of have to ask you to move back out again. Prue: Of your room. And into mine. I mean, it is twice as big and you now are twice the people. Piper: Really? Prue: Really. Piper: That would be great. (She sits on Prue and hugs her.) That would be so great. Phoebe: Hey, you know what? I deserve hugs too because I'm moving all of my stuff out of your bathroom so you and Leo could do the... Piper: That would be really great. Prue: See? It will just be like having your own place. Phoebe: Yeah, only with your sisters right down the hall. Prue: Yeah, I mean, I know we can't be together forever. Piper: But it feels good that forever isn't today. [Cut to the attic. The Book of Shadows closes itself. The triquetra on the front glows.]

Plan: A: a little privacy; Q: What are Piper and Leo looking for? A: Piper; Q: Who is married to Leo? A: the sisters; Q: Who have to come to terms with how things are? A: Phoebe; Q: Who moved to New York? A: a warlock; Q: What is the demon that the sisters have to battle? A: a former cat; Q: What was the warlock before he was a warlock? Summary: Looking for a little privacy now that they're married, Piper and Leo decide to move out on their own. As a result, the sisters have to come to terms with how things now are, and then they reminisce about how things were after Grams died and when Phoebe moved to New York. As they're dealing with the possibility of Piper's possible move, the sisters have to battle a warlock who was a former cat multiple times before being able to vanquish him before he turns immortal.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars Keith is in the office of Rebecca James, school counselor in 103 "Meet John Smith." REBECCA: She has attitude with certain teachers. She falls asleep in class. Keith and Rebecca break up in a coffee shop in 105 "You Think You Know Somebody." KEITH: I can't see you any more. Meg sits on the bus, satisfied that Veronica is still outside in 201 "Normal Is the Watchword." MS DUMASS: [offscreen] All here? MALE STUDENT: [offscreen] Yeah. MEG: All here. The bus leaves Veronica behind. She catches a lift with Weevil on his bike. They come to the scene of the accident. Veronica runs to the edge of the cliff. GIA: They're all dead. It just went straight off the cliff. Veronica freaks out in Duncan's suite in 203 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang." VERONICA: The bus crash, it was meant for me. At home, Veronica plays Keith the message Rhonda left for Michelle that she discovered in 205 "Blast from the Past." VERONICA: It's a voice mail from one of the students who died in the crash. She called just as the bus went over. RHONDA: Hey, about next weekend... VERONICA: The bus was sabotaged. KEITH: If that sound is an explosion, not only were those kids murdered, but the guilty party is still at large. End previouslies. DREAM: INT - BUS. The finishing touches are added to a drawing of a dark figure with a scythe looming over nine tombstones. Veronica is the artist. She looks up, distraught. Beyond her, in a row, wet and dead, are Meg, Peter and Betina in an "I *heart* Dick" t-shirt. END DREAM. INT - NEPTUNE HIGH SCHOOL (NHS), CLASSROOM - DAY. Veronica's eyes widen. WOMAN: [offscreen] Good morning, Veronica. Veronica's head is just above her folded arms on the desk. She's just woken up. A woman is standing by her desk. She has a slip of paper which she lays on the desk. WOMAN: School counselor would like to see you. Veronica stretches out her arms, sighs and then grabs her bag from the back of her chair and rises from her seat. REBECCA: [offscreen] You were sleeping in class. INT - NHS, COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY. REBECCA: Mrs. Taft says she's reprimanded you three times for wearing headphones while she's teaching. VERONICA: She's reading The Golden Bowl...aloud, with a fake English accent. Rebecca nods her head, suppressing her amusement. REBECCA: You were caught ripping down another student's poster. Veronica narrows her eyes. VERONICA: Am I being followed? REBECCA: The student who made the poster would like to have her photos back. Veronica frowns and leans over for a file from her bag. REBECCA: Something you want to talk about? VERONICA: Yeah, but Jennifer Love Hewitt might be more qualified. REBECCA: How's that? VERONICA: I'm being haunted. Rebecca looks at her quizzically. VERONICA: And she's the Ghost Whisperer. Rebecca's none the wiser. Veronica snaps her fingers a few times. VERONICA: These are the jokes. REBECCA: Haunted? VERONICA: Yeah, by the kids who died in the bus crash. I take it you don't see them? REBECCA: Uh, no, Veronica, I don't. VERONICA: Good, neither do I. Except come bedtime, the second I close my eyes, there they are. Acting like they're dying to tell me something. Veronica goes through the pictures she has, handing each one to Rebecca as she goes through. VERONICA: We have Cervando, the academically-inclined PCHer. Betina, Dick Casablancas's booty buddy. Rhonda...all I know about her so far is that she called her friend Michelle right before the crash. Oh, Marcos, of "Ahoy, Mateys!" fame. He had a pirate radio show. I've been listening to it non-stop, hence... She taps her ear. VERONICA: ...the headphones. And Peter, who generously posted the details of his unrequited gay love on NeptunePirateShip.com. So now we're like this. Veronica crosses her fingers. VERONICA: And then there's Meg. Actually, you might be able to help, um. What do you know about a janitor named Lucky? REBECCA: Why? VERONICA: Meg had a lot to say about him. DREAM: INT - BUS. Veronica stares out the window of the submerged bus at passing fishes. The colours are bright, almost garish, the film grainy. VERONICA: This is so cool. MEG: Yeah, it's just dreamy. Meg is sitting a few rows in front of Veronica. She is wearing a "Baby on board" t-shirt, one with an arrow pointing to her stomach. MEG: I really want to spend eternity like a plastic scuba diver in someone's fish tank. VERONICA: So Meg, what's with that guy, Lucky? Your parents' friend from church? I can't picture them wanting to set you up with someone. MEG: They weren't outwardly setting us up. They just kept having him over for dinner so he could talk about his four months in Iraq and how he took shrapnel in the ass for America. He'd quote the bible and they'd point out how great he was. Fun, fun, fun. VERONICA: But you thought he was creepy. MEG: Have you been reading my emails? Meg has suddenly appeared in the seat next to Veronica. MEG: My sister gave my computer files to Duncan, not you. Those are my personal, intimate...wait. Forgot. I'm dead. In Veronicaland, no pulse, no privacy. VERONICA: I'm trying to help. MEG: Look, my parents think Lucky's a saint because he sings hymns with his eyes closed and he helped my dad move an air conditioner. But he's just a janitor at the high school he graduated from who buys beer for guys like Logan to hang on to his glory days. But you know all this from my emails. END DREAM. INT - NHS, COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUING. REBECCA: Veronica, when did these dreams start? VERONICA: A few days ago. Michelle Thompson set up this booth in the hallway. She's trying to raise money to buy a yearbook spread for every kid who died in the bus crash. She's the one you should be talking to. She has that wide-eyed, Margot Kidder in a bush look. Total nut job. FLASHBACK: INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Michelle has set up a desk under a large poster of Bussy, the school bus with wings. On it, Michelle has photos of each of the student victims with their names printed underneath: Meg Manning, Betina Marone, Rhonda Landers, Peter Ferrer, Marcos Oliveres, and Cervando Esparza (which is different from the name he was given in 202 "Driver's Ed" where he was called Cervando Perez in the newspaper article about him, and from the name Veronica will say later in the episode, Cervando Luna). A small poster for the lacrosse team is incongruously next to it. Veronica and Michelle are standing in front of the desk and posters. MICHELLE: I've already raised two hundred dollars and I've only been doing it for a day. You know, if I raise enough, I might be able to get one of those audiochips, like the kind that play "Happy Birthday" when you open the card. Yeah, I know it's a bit much, but wouldn't it be great to hear them laughing and happy? END FLASHBACK. INT - NHS, COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUING. REBECCA: What did Michelle mean about hearing everybody laughing? VERONICA: Her friend Rhonda left a message for her right as she was going off the cliff. I knew about that one. REBECCA: That one? VERONICA: Turns out, Rhonda called Michelle's home first, left a message there too. When Michelle told me about it, she said...she could hear all the kids laughing on the bus. So I asked if I could hear it. FLASHBACK: INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Veronica and Michelle are in the empty journalism classroom. Michelle taps a few numbers on her cell and then hands it to Veronica. Veronica holds the phone to her ear and listens to the sound of raucous laughter. RHONDA: [on recording] I seriously cannot believe you're missing this. I hope you can hear. DICK: [on recording] Betina. Hey, Betina! Ready for a little bow-chicka-wow-wow. RHONDA: [on recording] You need to call me. The call ends. Veronica, somewhat shocked, switches off the phone. MICHELLE: Did you...hear your friend, Meg? VERONICA: No, but I heard someone I know. MICHELLE: I'm sorry, I guess it is upsetting. VERONICA: More disturbing. He wasn't on the bus. END FLASHBACK. INT - NHS, COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUING. REBECCA: You heard Dick Casablancas's voice? VERONICA: Yep. REBECCA: Even though there's, there's no way he could've been on the bus at the time? VERONICA: Freaky, huh? REBECCA: Did you tell your dad about this? VERONICA: Funny you should ask. DREAM: INT - BUS. Veronica is still in the seat by the window, staring into space. She hears a voice behind her and looks back. RHONDA: [offscreen] Pick up! Why aren't you picking up? You big loser. VERONICA: Rhonda? RHONDA: [offscreen] I cannot believe you bailed on the field trip without telling me. Rhonda is on her cell, walking down the centre aisle of the bus, towards the front. RHONDA: Hey, about next weekend... There's a bang and the sounds of screeching tires. Veronica's faces scrunches up in terror. END DREAM. FLASHBACK: INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica cries out as she wakes up from her nightmare. VERONICA: No! She sits up, panting. Keith's hurrying steps precede his entry into her bedroom. KEITH: Honey! VERONICA: I'm fine. It was just a bad dream. Keith crouches down on the floor next to her bed. KEITH: Did you watch House of Wax again? You know that Hilton girl gives you nightmares. Veronica gives him the pained smile of one who still isn't ready to joke. Keith notices the files spread on Veronica's bed. He picks them up as he moves to sit on the bed next to her. KEITH: Peter Ferrer, Rhonda, these are the kids who died on the bus. Maybe this isn't the best bed-time reading? Veronica reaches around behind her and brings out a CD. VERONICA: Betina played these phone messages from Dick for everyone on the bus. This was in the CD player. KEITH: And how did it get here? VERONICA: I willed it? KEITH: You snuck onto the bus? VERONICA: Yeah, like you didn't? KEITH: Veronica. VERONICA: Why didn't you tell me about the drawing? KEITH: I didn't see a drawing. I was on the bus for a minute before security came in. Veronica searches through the papers behind her again. VERONICA: It was drawn on the back of one of the bus seats. She hands him another file. Keith opens the flap to see photographs of the back of one of the seats. There is a drawing, similar to the one seen in the opening shot, with the words "I Am God" in ornate lettering. KEITH: "I am God." VERONICA: Because I have the power to put myself and my classmates in individual coffins. KEITH: Do you think person who drew this is responsible for the crash? VERONICA: I think it's possible. The bus was brand new. There was no other graffiti. KEITH: Why nine tombstones? Eight people were killed in the crash. VERONICA: I guess the artist wasn't expecting me to get off the bus. END FLASHBACK. INT - NHS, COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUING. REBECCA: Can I see the art work? Veronica gets it from her bag and hands over two photographs. REBECCA: Oh, my. VERONICA: One of the kids who died on the bus drew that. I need to find out who. Opening credits. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Logan is at his open locker, flipping through a book. Veronica comes up behind him and taps the back of his knee with her leg. He swings around to look at her. She slaps her hand on her forehead. VERONICA: Yep, I have no idea what compelled me to do that. LOGAN: Is it because you're five? VERONICA: I'm a little punchy; I haven't been sleeping. LOGAN: Thoughts of me? Hey, I get it. Um, sometimes I'm up all night just thinking about myself. Veronica rolls her eyes. VERONICA: Do you know a guy named Lucky? He's one of the night janitors here. LOGAN: Tommy Dohanic? Yeah. VERONICA: Why "Lucky"? LOGAN: Well, he graduates. Then his parents file Chapter 11; he has to drop out of college. He signs up for Army Rangers. He gets sent to Iraq and four months in, he gets shot. VERONICA: And...that makes him lucky? LOGAN: Hey, they shot him in the butt. Could be worse. You met him too, you know. Logan smiles. LOGAN: Remember... FLASHBACK: EXT - NHS, CAR PARK - DAY. Veronica and Logan are in the Xterra, making out. Music: "Breathe Me (Four Tet remix)" by Sia. LYRICS: I have done it again I have been here many times before Ouch I have lost myself again Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, Yeah I think that I might break Lost myself again and I feel unsafe Be my friend Hold me It's getting hot and heavy in the car as Veronica pushes Logan down onto the back seat and-- END FLASHBACK. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. VERONICA: [impatiently] Hey, Logan, is there a point to this story? LOGAN: Will you let me finish? Sheesh! Logan leans his head back against the locker, enjoying the memory. FLASHBACK: EXT - NHS, CAR PARK - DAY. Veronica and Logan continue to make out. There's a knock at the window. Veronica, on top of Logan, swings her head around to see the guy who tapped on the window. This is Lucky. Dick is standing next to him. VERONICA: Oh, good, we have an audience. Logan sits up, keeping Veronica turned into his body with his arm. He lowers the window. LUCKY: Okay, Lover-Boy, that's enough face-sucking for now. We got things to do. LOGAN: And you're on a tight schedule of smoking pot and playing Halo. I can't wait to graduate. LUCKY: Come on, man. We're done screwing around. The ball's in our court and someone's gotta pay. Veronica is puzzled and turns to look at Lucky. DICK: But, after we make someone pay, we're gonna get high and play Halo, right? LUCKY: [scolding] Get it together, Dick! Logan smiles at the put down. Lucky turns his attention back to Logan. LUCKY: Ninety seconds, wrap this up. LOGAN: I'll be there when I'm there. Lucky isn't happy as Logan rolls the window back up and returns his attention to the girl he is holding. LOGAN: Hi. END FLASHBACK. End music: "Breathe Me" by Sia. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. VERONICA: Remind me. Why did we break up? LOGAN: Well you thought the other guy had greener grass. Veronica nods and starts to walk away. LOGAN: Mm, or was it something about me being too much man? No, wait, it was you. You were too much man. Veronica doesn't pause or look back. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. In the noisy physics lab, Logan and Dick sit side by side at one of the tables. They are both wearing protective glasses. Logan pretends to be driving a racing car as Dick tosses up a ball of scrunched up paper. MR. WU: Hey! Hey! The students turn their attention to Mr. Wu. On the board, he has written "Mr. Wu's Egg Drop Competition." On his desk is a large fake egg with a banner around it saying the same thing. MR. WU: As I was saying, each team will design a device to protect an egg dropped from increasing heights. The pair whose egg survives the highest drop will earn an "A," plus the team will be excused from Mr. Wu's notorious G.P.A.-killing... He starts trying to do a funky rap, but stops on the moans of the class, who include Wallace at another table. MR. WU: ...final exam. LOGAN: [quietly] Boy, Mr. Wu must really like his egg-drop soup. Dick raises his hand. DICK: Ah, does this assignment come with potsticka? The class sniggers but Wu is not amused and bears down on Dick. MR. WU: Students! This experiment is a major test grade. For some of you, it means passing this class or not. He stares at Dick before turning to head back to the front of the room. DICK: [loudly] Dude, is Mr. Wu hitting on me? Logan laughs, as do many others in the class. Wu hears this and cringes. MR. WU: Okay, people! That's does it. I'm assigning you partners alphabetically. Dick, I think it's a bad idea for you and Mr. Echolls to be working together. DICK: So bad it's good? MR. WU: No. Dick solemnly moves the glasses from his eyes the top of his head. He takes a deep breath and turns to Logan. DICK: [a la Brokeback Mountain] God, I don't know how I'm gonna quit you. Logan draws breath to respond but Dick puts his finger over Logan's lips. DICK: Shhh. It's not me; it's Wu. MR. WU: Dick Casablancas, your new partner is Angie Dahl. Angie is less than enthused. DICK: Score! Logan laughs again as Dick leaves the table to join Angie. MR. WU: Logan Echolls, you'll join Wallace Fennel. Wallace looks back, also less than enthused. Logan notes the antipathy. Dick appears in front of Angie. DICK: Gentleman Dick at your service. Foot massage? Coconut-oil rubdown? ANGIE: Just stay out of my way. I need to be excused from the final exam. Wallace takes Dick's seat next to Logan. LOGAN: You're not gonna get all super-achiever on me, are you? WALLACE: I'm just trying to avoid flunking. Hearst would yank my scholarship. LOGAN: Excellent. The bar is so low, we can step over it. Logan chews his pencil. Wallace huffs, not looking forward to the partnership. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - DAY. Veronica is alone at one of the tables, her laptop open in front of her. She looks up and over at the table where Dick is talking to some other guys. He feels her stare. She cocks her finger at him, beckoning him to join her. DICK: Just because you wiggle your finger doesn't mean Dick's gonna come. Veronica is not swayed and merely turns to her laptop, typing something. She turns it around so Dick can see the screen upon which is written, in very large letters: "I KNOW WHO YOU DID LAST SUMMER." Dick looks uncomfortable at this and makes his way over to her. He slides into the seat next to her. DICK: Veronica Minx, what are you up to? VERONICA: Oh, you know, this, that, and the other. Veronica hits a button on the laptop. Dick's voice from the CD on the bus rings out. DICK: [on recording] You ready for a little bow-chicka-wow-wow? Betina, pick up, pick up, pick up. You little frickin' hottie. Listening with increasing embarrassment, Dick slams down the screen of the laptop, cutting off the recording. VERONICA: Tell me about you and Betina. DICK: Who? Veronica shrugs and goes to open the laptop again. DICK: Uh, wait. What? Everybody has their secret shame, V. You get tanked at the wrong party, stumble a couple of rungs down the food chain. You know how it is; you dated that cop. VERONICA: Patience dwindling. DICK: Sometimes you don't need the prettiest horse, just one that let's you ride bareback. Dick grins. Veronica struggles not to throw up. VERONICA: Ever think, maybe, that was a little, I don't know, dangerous? DICK: What am I, stupid? Veronica's face leaves no doubt as to her answer to that question. DICK: She was on the pill. I don't know why you're in a bunch. I don't hear her complaining. VERONICA: You know she's dead, right? And she did complain. She played your messages for the whole bus on the way home from Shark Field. That's not a satisfied customer, Dick. That's a woman scorned. DICK: Well, she had nothing to be scorned about. I even gave her a little gift that day, a Shark's premium ticket package, my Shark's memorabilia gift bag. VERONICA: Tickets they raffled off? You didn't win the tickets. DICK: Well I saw that gay kid who won them toss them in the trash, and I thought Betina might like them. Or she could sell them for grocery money or whatever. Pissed-off white trash booty buddy, free tickets, it's a no-brainer. Dick grins as Veronica shakes her head. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Veronica is leaning against the wall. Through the crowd of students traversing the hall, she sees Keith. VERONICA: Dad? Dad? She takes a step towards him but he does not stop or look around and she stops. Puzzled, she turns back to resume her place at the wall, but instead, spotting her target, she approaches a girl at her locker. VERONICA: Maureen? Hi, I'm Veronica. I'm helping Michelle with the yearbook tribute. MAUREEN: I already gave her all the good pictures of Betina. VERONICA: I know. We were just wondering if you had any poems or art work, something of Betina's that was more personal. MAUREEN: Nothing she'd want in the yearbook. VERONICA: Is there someone else I should ask, another friend? A boyfriend? MAUREEN: She didn't have a boyfriend. VERONICA: Oh. I thought I saw her at a party once with Dick Casablancas. Maureen scoffs. MAUREEN: Dick Casablancas is the b*st*rd child of Satan. VERONICA: Well, that would explain a lot. MAUREEN: I don't know what you heard, but he was horrible to Betina. He treated her like a free hooker. I know, she let him, but it's my friendial obligation to blame it all on him. Maureen slams her locker shut. VERONICA: I know Dick. Blame him. They start to walk away from Maureen's locker together. MAUREEN: Betina just lost her mind over him. And the worse he treated her, the more she lapped up after him. He was her ideal guy: rich and completely indifferent to her. The joke so would have been on him. VERONICA: What do you mean? MAUREEN: All he wanted was to mess around with her and have no one know. And all she wanted was for him to knock her up so she could shout it from the rooftops. Maureen walks on as Veronica ponders. DREAM: INT - BUS. Veronica is in the early stages of recreating the drawing with four of the tombstones. Elsewhere on the bus, Betina looks down at her t-shirt, a full view showing that it says "I *heart* Dick Casablancas." BETINA: What's with the T-shirts? Veronica looks up. Betina is next to her. Meg is in the row in front of them on the opposite side of the aisle. Peter is walking down the aisle from the back of the bus, towards them. BETINA: You just need help keeping us straight in your head? PETER: Straight? "Queer eye for the dead guy" has Petey wearing a rhinestone fricking rainbow! Seriously, ever heard of butch? MEG: I have important information. PETER: Don't we all? BETINA: It's time for the bus to crash. Veronica, eyes filled with tears, is speechless and a little panicked. END DREAM. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Veronica wakes with a start. She is listening to one of her recordings of "Ahoy, Mateys!" CAP'N KRUNK: And here it comes, Imitation Crab IMITATION CRAB: Arrr! CAP'N KRUNK: The winner of this weeks cock of the walk countdown... IMITATION CRAB: Don't leave 'em hanging Cap'n. CAP'N KRUNK: It's Logan Echolls! That's forty weeks running. Rosemary's baby: the teen years. Veronica looks at the iPod. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE. Wallace is placing an egg in a box. LOGAN: At four feet it survives, we pass. Logan bends down, having let out a steel tape measure to the required height. Wallace holds up the box at the top of the measure. WALLACE: Here's goes nothing. Wallace drops the box. It falls. The boys look at each other and shrug. Wallace opens the box. The egg is unbroken. LOGAN: Mazel Tov. Logan takes the egg from Wallace. LOGAN: Two passing grades, over easy. WALLACE: I guess our work here is through. LOGAN: Mm. They rise from their crouching over the box as there's a knock on the door. LOGAN: Ah, my buffalo burger has arrived. As Wallace picks up the box and puts his stuff together, Logan gets the door. A waiter enters with a trolley. He pushes it into the room and Logan hands him a bill. WAITER: Thank you. The waiter leaves. WALLACE: Must be nice. Logan lifts the cover off his food. LOGAN: Oh, not for the buffalo. He dips a finger in and licks it before glancing back at Wallace. LOGAN: You don't like me much, do you? WALLACE: The last time we actually talked, you were bashing Veronica's headlights with a crowbar. LOGAN: Hm. Foreplay. There's another knock on the door. Logan gets it. MAID: Good evening. The young maid, carrying large pillows, steps into the room. She stops as Logan introduces her to Wallace with a smirk. LOGAN: Wallace, have you met my fluffer? INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Keith is going through some mail at the kitchen counter/table. Veronica enters from outside. VERONICA: Did I see you at school today? KEITH: I don't know, were you hallucinating? VERONICA: You were dressed in that exact, snazzy outfit which, if I'm not mistaken, is your dating uniform. Is there some Miss James rekindling I should know about? Keith doesn't respond, instead holding up an envelope. KEITH: You've got mail...from Stanford University. Veronica takes it and stares at it for a moment, afraid to open it. Keith gets up and stands next to her. VERONICA: It's a little anorexic for an acceptance letter. KEITH: Good news or bad, you know I'm proud of you. He puts his arm around her and kisses the top of her head. He steps back to watch her. She gazes at the envelope a little longer, then shakes off her hesitation, tearing open the envelope. She takes another moment before she unfolds the enclosed letter. She takes a deep breath and begins to read. VERONICA: "Dear Ms Mars. It is with great pleasure that the admissions board at Stanford University welcomes you to our institution." She grins and then squeals, doing a happy dance. She grabs her dad for a big hug. KEITH: You did it, baby. Veronica laughs and sighs in one, picking up the letter again to be sure she's not dreaming. INT - NHS, PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY. Veronica and Angie sit side by side in front of Clemmons' desk. CLEMMONS: Veronica, Angie, thank you for coming in. It turns out there's been an error in the calculations regarding the class rankings. It seems to only affect the two of you who remain in the running for the Kane Scholarship. VERONICA: An error? W-what kind of error? CLEMMONS: Angie was awarded an A for the "Summer at Sea" elective she took. It was a college-level course, so rather than a four-point A, Angie should have been awarded a five-point A. The adjusted grades have pushed Angie ahead of you. Veronica lets out a disbelieving breath. ANGIE: [smugly] You could've taken the class. It was open to anyone. VERONICA: Yeah? How much did that "Semester at Sea" class set you back? ANGIE: How should I know? Veronica can't believe it. INT - NHS, COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY. REBECCA: Veronica, I know Angie Dahl and I don't think she's the witch you're painting her as. VERONICA: She's a demon spawn. Story of my life: I get five minutes of thinking my dreams may come true and then some rich kid slaps reality back into me. REBECCA: So how was last night? Any bad dreams? VERONICA: If I say no, do I have to keep coming back here? I'm still non-stop Nightmare on Elm Street. And I haven't been able to figure out who drew the picture. But there is one silver lining. My dad...seems...happy. REBECCA: Well, that's wonderful, Veronica. Veronica waits expectantly. REBECCA: I'm very happy for him. VERONICA: I'm glad you...are in touch again. REBECCA: Ah, we're not. Veronica raises a skeptical brow. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Veronica and Wallace walk down the hall together. WALLACE: There's nothing about you that says "second place." VERONICA: Nothing but my G.P.A. Angie Dahl's parents convinced the school board that the grades she purchased should be worth more than the ones I earned. WALLACE: Well you need to shake this off. Just, work through it. "The lowest point of the ebb is the turn of the tide." VERONICA: Don't quote. Veronica yawns. VERONICA: Sorry. I'm having a Mexican standoff with the sandman. He's winning. They approach the poster for the bus victims. They pause. WALLACE: When I die, I want you to raise money for my spread in Vibe. VERONICA: Oh, didn't I email you? You're never allowed to die. The camera hones in on the picture of Rhonda Landers. WALLACE: Would you look at that? The most innocent-looking picture is the girl who was hell on wheels. That girl, Rhonda, and her sister Natalie were in Clemmons' office all the time. Always in trouble, for huffing paint, stealing, fighting, anything to reinforce the P.W.T. stereotype. VERONICA: There's a Pretty Young Thing stereotype? Do I fit it? Wallace laughs. WALLACE: P.W.T. Poor White Trash. They start walking again. VERONICA: Oh, them. So can you point Rhonda's sister out to me after school? WALLACE: What else am I gonna do? INT - JAVA THE HUT. A woman witters. BLIND DATE #1: First Name Basis is so much better than It's Just Coffee. Keith, a smile plastered on his face, nods. BLIND DATE #1: Believe me, I've tried all the services. I like that I don't have to send out a picture. I like not giving out my real name. Keith just keeps nodding. BLIND DATE #1: I mean, I sure wasn't disappointed when I saw you wander up. You weren't disappointed when you saw me, were you? KEITH: Oh, I wasn't. BLIND DATE #1: I didn't think so. In fact, I thought I saw a smile, am I right? Keith bemusedly crinkles up his nose with his goofy grin. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. In the physics class, there are many eggs in egg boxes. Wu's class is in session. MR. WU: Angie, your mother has sent you something. Apparently, it's more important than my class. Angie gets up and goes to the door. Dick whistles at her departing rear as Wu shuts the door behind her and carries on. MR. WU: Logan, you and Wallace are up. Wallace claps and rubs his hands together. Logan hands him their contraption. LOGAN: I could rub your head for luck. WALLACE: You could try. STUDENTS: All right, guys! Do it! Come on! Yeah! Wallace goes to the front of the class, showing off the box. Logan does a drum roll on the desk. LOGAN: Whoo! STUDENTS: All right! Do it! Wallace places the box on top of the platform erected for the experiment and gently slides the box off. As it falls there is a loud shriek from Angie in the hall. She bursts through the door, holding a bunch of balloons. ANGIE: I'm in. I got into Stanford. The students give a muted congratulatory response. DICK: All right! You can be roomies with Veronica Mars. There's a pillow-fight I'd like to see. ANGIE: Veronica Mars got into Stanford? WALLACE: Yeah. Veronica Mars. Stanford. ANGIE: Well, I guess somebody has to do the football team. Wallace is offended. The class titter. As Angie goes to the back of the class to stow her balloons, Logan gives her a hard stare. Wu takes the unbroken egg out to the box. MR. WU: Echolls, Fennel, you've got what all cruising seniors desire, a passing grade. If you'd like to aim higher tomorrow, I won't hold my breath. Angie takes her seat, immediately in front of Dick. DICK: I heard in dorms, all the girls shower together. Maybe you and Ronnie could soap each other's backs. ANGIE: Mr. Wu, I want another partner. Dick is being in appropriate and didn't help with our project. MR. WU: Dick? DICK: Dude, I totally helped. MR. WU: Can you, um, pick up your project, bring it to me? Dick sighs and heads for the side where all the other projects are gathered together. He looks at them, trying to decide which one it is. DICK: Ahhh....ahhh. MR. WU: I'll see you in summer school, Dick. DICK: What? MR. WU: Oh, believe me, I'm no happier than you. Dick is pissed. The bell goes. Self-satisfied, Angie collects her books. LOGAN: Congratulations. You've single-handedly fulfilled the Stanford bitch quota. ANGIE: Enjoy trade school, Logan. She sashays past him, picks up her balloons and walks out of the class. Logan follows her out and into... INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. ...the hallway, where he meets up with Wallace. WALLACE: If you don't mind, I'm gonna keep working on the project. LOGAN: Come by later, I'm in. Wallace pauses and stares at him. LOGAN: What's time to a hog? Logan waltzes off. Wallace smiles. EXT - NHS, CAR PARK - DAY. A girl in tight white jeans and a skimpy pink t-shirt with "Crown Jewels" in sparkling stones across the chest, numerous gold necklaces and bottle-bleach, white-blonde hair struts down the car park. She passes Wallace and Veronica who are sitting on the boot of the LeBaron. WALLACE: I think that's Rhonda's sister. Natalie? Natalie points her keys at a red Corvette to unlock it. VERONICA: Are you sure there's a P. before that W.T. WALLACE: That's definitely her. She drives a 'Vette now? Last year, she offered to make out with me for cigarette money. Veronica slides off the LeBaron and walks down to the Corvette, into which Natalie is now ensconced. Veronica leans into the car from the passenger's side, all friendly-like. VERONICA: Hey, is this your car? NATALIE: No, it's my roller skate. VERONICA: This is so cool. I was thinking about moving up to a sweeter ride myself. How's she handle? NATALIE: [dismissively] Better than the bus. Veronica keeps her temper as Natalie switches on the ignition and pulls out of the space. Veronica, joined by Wallace, watches her go. VERONICA: Yowza! WALLACE: Hm. Veronica pulls her phone out of her pocket and starts to press buttons. VERONICA: You can take the girl out of the trash, but you can't take the trash out of the girl. Oh, the time and effort she's saved me. INT - JAVA THE HUT - CONTINUING. Keith's phone is ringing. He gets it out, glances at the caller ID and gives an apologetic glance to the woman he is sitting with before answering. The camera switches between them. KEITH: Why aren't you learning something? VERONICA: And a good day to you, too, sir. Just thinking about some great advice you gave me. KEITH: "Look both ways"? "Don't stick that in your nose"? VERONICA: "Follow the money." Could you run the financial records of the families with kids who died in the crash? KEITH: Will do. Gotta go. Important meeting. Keith hangs up on an intrigued Veronica. BLIND DATE #2: You know who you remind me of? Keith shakes his head as the woman giggles. BLIND DATE #2: That guy on Seinfeld, George. KEITH: Oh? How so? BLIND DATE #2: Well, he's a nice guy, like you. But there's so much...unrealized potential. A guy who really wants to meet women goes for it, you know? He dresses to impress, a little cologne, a gym membership. You-- KEITH: Should make more of an effort? She nods. BLIND DATE #2: My ex-husband went for a hair transplant. He looked fantastic afterwards. KEITH: Cologne, new suit, hair, I should, uh, probably write this stuff down. Keith searches his pockets. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE. The floor is littered with the remnants of materials used to make the super-duper egg drop box. Wallace, a cup of coffee in his hand, is hyper. Logan is lounging on the sofa, watching him pace. WALLACE: We magnify the drag, decrease the velocity, minimize the force, and decelerate-- LOGAN: Decelerate yourself. Logan gets up and takes the cup out of Wallace's hand. LOGAN: Four is officially your espresso limit. He takes it to the side, then heads back to the sofa. WALLACE: So, I know why I'm trying to help out Veronica. I want her to get to go to Stanford. Why you doing it? Back on the couch, Logan plays it casually. LOGAN: I don't know, not for Veronica. WALLACE: Then what? LOGAN: Uh, the spirit of competition. Wallace laughs skeptically. WALLACE: Yeah. All right. LOGAN: Why don't you chill while the glue dries? I gotta see a man about a horse. Logan throws Wallace the remote and then heads for Duncan's bathroom. Wallace settles down on the sofa and points the remote at the screen. He gets the animated Oddworld turtles. He flicks to another channel. This time it's Bloomberg (although the times are off: 12:00 PM CT 29 Jul and it in fact looks like the exact same footage used in 207 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner"). BUSINESS NEWS ANNOUNCER: ...look at the hurdles G.M is trying to-- Wallace quickly changes channels again with the remote. The Tinseltown Diaries logo appears as Aaron's story is rerun. Wallace watches. ANNOUNCER: Tonight, Tinseltown Diaries examines the rise and fall of one of Hollywood's brightest stars. Husband, father, adulterer, cradle-robber, murderer, who is the real Aaron Echolls? Wife Lynn's car was found stranded on the Coronado Bridge, where she is assumed to have leapt to her death. But it was his son's murdered girlfriend who would actually come back to haunt Aaron. Rumors of Echolls' sometime-actress daughter... LOGAN: They rerun it twice a day. Wallace looks over at Logan, leaning on the door to Duncan's room. Logan points at the screen. LOGAN: I hear it's their top-rated episode. ANNOUNCER: ...Trina's terminal illness were recently revealed to be a hoax. And son Logan's rocky relationship with the media and the law began last year when he organized and videotaped a series of bum-- Logan disappears back into Duncan's room and Wallace sighs, sympathizing a little more with him. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica enters the darkened apartment. Keith is cooking. VERONICA: Got something for me? KEITH: Love in my heart. Chili on the stove. Oh, and I ran those financial records. I am a great father. VERONICA: Mm. Keith ladles some thick chili into bowls. KEITH: None of the families of the crash victims made money on insurance. They basically got enough just to pay for the, uh, funerals. However, Rhonda's family won a separate lawsuit with a two million dollar payout. And you'll never guess who from. VERONICA: You're right. I won't. KEITH: Woody Goodman. Keith points to the counter. Veronica opens the files thereon as Keith places one of the bowls in front of her and sits next to her. KEITH: Woody's Burgers paid Rhonda's family a secret two million dollar payout. Apparently, her mom found a finger in her ribwich. Veronica, about to take her first bite, lets the chili fall back into the bowl and pushes the bowl aside. INT - NHS, PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY. Veronica uses her key and enters Clemmons' office. She heads for the filing cabinet. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Sometimes, opportunity doesn't knock. It waits for everyone to go to lunch and sneaks in using a key. It's a long-shot that my dead classmates will have something helpful in their permanent files, like being suspended for drawing on school property. Veronica finds them all together, bundled in plastic and marked "Bus Crash Victims." She pulls the bundle out and then hears voices the other side of the door. She keeps the files, closes the drawer and races into the closet. She's just in time as Keith and Clemmons enter. KEITH: Sorry about the inconvenience. One of my bad habits. And Veronica won't let me buy nice sunglasses anymore because I'll lose them within the week. CLEMMONS: Making any headway in the case? Veronica, hidden amongst the coats, opens the door slightly to listen. [SCENE_BREAK] KEITH: Slowly. CLEMMONS: We've had three more cases diagnosed just this week of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. You'd think it was contagious. KEITH: All these students are Section Eleven-twenty-three now, all of them coming from the same doctor? CLEMMONS: Yep. My faculty is about to revolt. They're supposed to offer these students deadline extensions, make-up dates on exams, and unlimited time on tests, all at the student's own discretion. Keith holds up his crossed fingers. KEITH: I hope to have something you can use very soon. My coat? CLEMMONS: Right. It's in the closet. Veronica pulls the door to as Keith walks towards the closet. He opens the door and sees Veronica shrunk against the back of it. He gives her a very expressive look. With a wry and shame-faced smile, Veronica takes his coat from a hanger and hands it to him. Keith just looks at her as he speaks for the benefit of Clemmons, still sitting at his desk. KEITH: Yep, that's mine all right. He takes his coat and shuts the closet door. INT - JAVE THE HUT. Yet another woman attempts to charm Keith. BLIND DATE #3: I was one of those people saying Keith Mars should be run out of town. Going after that sweet Jake Kane? Making our nice little town look like Bozoville? A-And then when I found out what really happened, I was so embarrassed. I confess, I never vote in the local elections, but I went out this year just so I could vote for you. KEITH: I totally carried the pity vote. But enough about me, tell me about you. BLIND DATE #3: Oh, it's dull, trust me. I'm the office manager for a local doctor. KEITH: Really? I'd love to hear about it. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Veronica ponders as she makes her way to, and then stops at the door to observe Wu as he tidies his student-free classroom. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Peter, as I have learned from his postings, had, in his words, "yellow fever," and was extremely hot for a certain teacher. There was one incident in Peter's permanent file. It didn't say what happened, only that it involved Mr. Wu. Can't help but wonder if teacher decided to take a pet. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - CONTINUING. He spots her. MR. WU: Ah. Hello, Veronica. She smiles and steps into the room. VERONICA: Would you like to donate to the yearbook tribute for the kids on the bus? MR. WU: Of course, I've been meaning to. He goes to get his wallet. VERONICA: I figured. Peter was a friend of mine. I know the two of you had a connection. MR. WU: I'm sorry for your loss, you must miss him. VERONICA: Do you...miss him? MR. WU: As a bright and dedicated student, yes. In the way I think you're implying, no. He hands her some cash and goes back to his tidying. VERONICA: Peter was gearing up for what he called "the outing of all outings." I was wondering if he was pulling his favorite teacher out of the closet. MR. WU: Veronica, I think that when you get out in the world a little more, you'll, you'll discover that not all well-dressed, articulate, detail-oriented men are gay. Many of them are just Asian. VERONICA: So you knew Peter had feelings for you? MR. WU: Yes, I did. He confessed these feelings to me on the unfortunate night we ran into each other at Possibilities. VERONICA: Why were you at a gay bar? MR. WU: Not that I need to explain myself to you, Veronica, but it was a cousin's birthday party. I was being supportive. I explained the whole situation to Mr. Clemmons. I believe he has it all on file. VERONICA: Sorry, you're right. None of my business. Veronica starts to leave, but turns back on another thought. VERONICA: Did Peter have any hobbies like drawing or painting? MR. WU: I thought he was your friend? Busted, Veronica just smiles, turns and walks out. DREAM: INT - BUS. Music: "One More Time" by Daft Punk. LYRICS: One more time we're gonna celebrate Oh yeah all right don't stop dancing One more time we're gonna celebrate Oh yeah all right don't stop dancing One more time we're gonna celebrate Oh yeah all right don't stop dancing One more time we're gonna celebrate Oh yeah One more time One more time Music's got me feeling so free We're gonna celebrate Celebrate and dance for free One more time Music's got me feeling so free We're gonna celebrate Celebrate and dance so free One more time Music's got me feeling so free We're gonna celebrate Celebrate and dance for free We're gonna celebrate Yeah. Peter is dropping an egg into a baseball mitt, sitting in the seat in front of Veronica. This time, the world outside the bus is black, except for some disco lights that flash in multi-colours. PETER: So do you believe him? Mr. Wuuuu! VERONICA: Yes. And, I hate to disappoint you, but even if he were gay, I don't think it would qualify as "the outing of all outings." PETER: You think you know me because you read my postings? VERONICA: Every line of your postings, like eighty times. I know you like the back of my-- Veronica looks at her hand. Her name is written on it in big black letters. PETER: What's wrong? She closes her hand. VERONICA: Nothing. PETER: You're asking the wrong question. All right. Maybe a better question is why was I even on the bus? Why would I even be interested in going to a baseball stadium? Huh? Mull that one over for a while, okay? Veronica mulls. End music: "One More Time" by Daft Punk. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - DAY. Veronica carries her tray out to the tables, still wearing the iPod. VERONICA VOICEOVER: One PCHer died on the bus, Cervando Luna. Grade point average, 3.8. Average trips to the principal's office per week, 3.2, including a visit during summer school for pushing Cassidy Casablancas against a wall and threatening him. She espies Beaver working alone and takes a seat at the table. A watch lies on top of his books next to him. VERONICA: Busy Beaver, always working. BEAVER: What's up, Veronica? VERONICA: During summer school, you had a run-in with a kid named Cervando? BEAVER: He ran me into a wall, if that's what you mean. FLASHBACK: INT - NHS, CLASSROOM. Beaver is looking over his shoulder at Cervando, sitting on a desk, talking to a couple of PCHers. CERVANDO: I'd dunk the eight ball a couple of times, jacked up my fingers like I don't know how to hold the cue. I see Liam, all winking at his cousins thinking he's got one. Every time I made a shot, I'd be all excited then act all scared like I was worried they'd do something. Cervando slides off the desk and hold up his shirt to show off his jeans. CERVANDO: Check this out, courtesy of Liam Fitzpatrick being a sucker, two hundred dollar jeans, look at these things. I'm never taking them off. From the hallway, Dick points a water pistol at the jeans and shoots, voicing it with a couple of "pings." CERVANDO: Yo, man, you crazy? The teacher closes the door, shutting Dick out. TEACHER: Get out of here, Dick. END FLASHBACK. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - CONTINUING. BEAVER: Cervando, you know, he's normally a pretty cool guy, for a PCHer, but...on the next day, that dude, he was seriously on the war-path. God, Dick's squirt-gun was loaded with bleach. FLASHBACK: INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Cervando, his jeans ruined by white marks, marches into the classroom, heading straight for Beaver who doesn't see him coming. Cervando grabs Beaver and pushes him up against the wall cupboards with one hand. CERVANDO: You owe me a pair of jeans. BEAVER: Wha-what are you-what are you talking about? Cervando holds up a piece of paper with his free hand. CERVANDO: Size, style, color. He slaps it against Beaver's chest. Beaver clutches it. BEAVER: But I didn't do anything. It was Dick. CERVANDO: Well I'm not telling him; I'm telling you. Clemmons appears at the doorway. CLEMMONS: Gentlemen, that's quite enough. Cervando, come with me. Cervando continues to stare threateningly at Beaver before shoving him away and following Clemmons. Beaver watches him go, pissed off. END FLASHBACK. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - CONTINUING. BEAVER: I guess Dick was too big for him so he figured he's settle the score with his little brother. Beaver picks up the watch and glances at it. He grabs his books and rises. BEAVER: Story of my life. Veronica watches him go. INT - NHS, PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY. Clemmons is staring at a tape. CLEMMONS: What's this? KEITH: It's a tape of Dr. Burns' office manager offering to hook Veronica up with a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder for a thousand dollar consultation fee. CLEMMONS: How did you get this? KEITH: Painfully. You gotta kiss a lot of toads before you find your medical office manager. Clemmons smiles and nods. EXT - NHS - DAY. Wu's physics class are outside, testing one of the egg drop contraptions, one supported by the balloons Angie received. The box drops and she climbs down the ladder. Wu takes the unbroken egg out of the contraption. MR. WU: Okay, folks. Angie Dahl is our only student to survive the twelve-foot drop. ANGIE: Thank you, thanks. There's some clapping, Logan doing a slow one. Wallace glances at him, seemingly appreciative of the sarcasm. MR. WU: Mr. Fennel, Mr. Echolls, you're our last remaining team still in the running for an exemption from Mr. Wu's notorious G.P.A.-killing final exam, as well as the accompanying hardware. Wu shows off the golden trophy, a egg in a candlestick-like eggcup. Wallace has climbed the ladder as Wu talks and waits to drop the box. Angie lets out a deep breath. DICK: Yeah. Do it, yeah. Do it. Wallace drops it. It lands with a sickening thud. Wallace watches as Wu retrieves the egg. He grins as it appears whole, only to lose his joy when Wu turns it to show a smear of yolk. MR. WU: Scrambled. STUDENTS: Aww. Too bad. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Angie, carrying the trophy, prances smugly down the hall with her friend. ANGIE'S FRIEND: That's awesome, about the egg drop. So you ready for Ms Murphy's Crime and Punishment exam? ANGIE: Nope, I was up all night working on the egg thing. I'm requesting an extension because of my Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Her friend laughs as they disappear up the hall. Behind them Veronica, looking very tired, is walking in a bit of a daze. She is wearing the iPod headphones, listening again to "Ahoy, Mateys!" CAP'N KRUNK: Ahoy, mateys. Five-forty on your AM dial. Listen or walk my enormous plank. Her head is down and she smashes into Logan as she rounds a corner. They step back from each other and Veronica takes the headphones out. LOGAN: Ah, am I still keeping you up at night? He looks at her more closely. LOGAN: You look like Steve Buscemi. VERONICA: You...are such...a catch. Wallace passes and pauses to watch. VERONICA: How has Hannah been able to keep away? That hurts and Logan just walks away. Veronica starts to replace the headphones, not realizing Wallace is behind her. WALLACE: Maybe you should cut him some slack sometimes. She turns and stares from Wallace to the direction Logan went, totally bemused at Wallace's attitude. He smiles and goes on his way as Veronica replaces the headphones and walks on. INT - ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - DAY. Clemmons is talking into a microphone. CLEMMONS: Attention, faculty and students. I have an important announcement to make regarding school policy. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - CONTINUING. Angie is reading a magazine as the students around her are working on the exam. CLEMMONS: Due to some recently discovered abuses... She's ignoring the announcement but she jumps as the exam is slapped down on her desk. CLEMMONS: ...Neptune High will no longer be honoring special exemptions or extensions for Section Eleven-twenty-three students. Angie looks up into the face of the satisfied Mrs. Murphy. INT - PHYSICS CLASS - DAY. Veronica's head is propped up on her arm but she is nodding off. MR. WU: Veronica. Veronica! Veronica jumps and pulls out the headphones. MR. WU: Do you wanna solve this problem or do you wanna sleep? Veronica walks up to the board and starts to write. DREAM: INT - BUS. It's black outside again and Veronica is writing with chalk on the window as she was writing on the blackboard, although nothing is appearing. CERVANDO: How did you get home the day of the crash? Cervando, in his bleach-stained jeans and wearing the same shirt and tie as Wu, walks towards her. VERONICA: Weevil. CERVANDO: Hey don't you that's weird? The bomb didn't kill us. Killed the driver, probably, but it was a long drop off the cliff and crashing onto the rocks that got the rest of us. FYI, I made it through that. I got to drown. Cervando holds his hand out for the chalk. Veronica warily passes it to him. CERVANDO: Say a person wants to just take out the bus driver. The chalk works for Cervando who draws a map of two parallel lines marking the road, with a wavy line above to indicate the water. He makes various X marks on the road away from the water. CERVANDO: They could do it here, here, here, basically anywhere along the way. But to get the whole bus, they'd have to know when it was approaching the cliff. He marks where the road is closest to the water and the path of the bus going off the road. CERVANDO: They'd have to be close enough to see exactly where we were. Cervando marks a spot near that point with a circle, going over and over it with the chalk. CERVANDO: Hey look. He points to the circle. CERVANDO: He's bald. VERONICA: You think it was Weevil. CERVANDO: I am God. Music: "I Am God" by the Wannabes. LYRICS: I am God. I am God. I am God. I am God. I am God. I am God. Veronica is confused. VERONICA: What? CERVANDO: I. Am. God. END DREAM. INT - PHYSICS CLASS - CONTINUING. Veronica has written "I AM GOD" on the blackboard. The students laugh at her. END PHYSICS CLASS DREAM. INT - NHS, JOURNALISM CLASS - DAY. To the amusement of the student next to her, Veronica jerks awake for real this time as the music fades on the recording on her iPod. End music: "I Am God" by the Wannabes. CAP'N KRUNK: That's our show, Pirates and Pi-Ladies. You've been listening to Ahoy, Mateys! This is Cap'n Krunk... IMITATION CRAB: and Imitation Crab... CAP'N KRUNK: Signing off saying, BOTH: Arrrr! Removing the headphones, Veronica has an idea and goes over to one of the computers. She goes to "Music on Tap." She types in "I Am God" and brings up the information. It is a song by the Wannabes and the cover is the drawing of a scythe-bearing figure of death standing over nine tombstones that she saw and has been replicating. INT - NHS, COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY. REBECCA: So that's it? The tombstone art work was just an album cover? VERONICA: And Rosebud was just a sled. I didn't just ruin Citizen Kane for you, did I? REBECCA: No, no. VERONICA: Good. So, are we done? REBECCA: Well that depends. Do you think you're through being haunted? VERONICA: I better be. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica is dozing on the couch. She wakes when Keith enters the apartment. KEITH: I was thinking about the great advice I gave you about following the money. The money wasn't on the bus. Keith sits on the coffee table. KEITH: The rich kids were behind driving in the limo. VERONICA: So, maybe whoever crashed the bus was counting on them being on it? KEITH: Richard Casablancas took an insurance policy out on his sons three days after marrying Kendall. Dick and Beaver are worth more dead than they are alive. Veronica's brow furrows. DREAM: INT - BUS. A red light highlights the artwork drawn on the back of the bus seat. The camera travels past the seat to reveal Veronica staring out into the white nothingness outside the bus. MARCOS: Kind of disappointing, huh? Veronica looks back. Marcos is a couple of rows behind her. MARCOS: Not a suicide thing, just a...song I liked. That brings us back to you. VERONICA: To me? Through the windows the outside takes on the appearance of the bus falling through clouds. MARCOS: It's a fun exercise. Probably a little comforting for a while, thinking it's someone else's fault. But it's not, is it? We died because of you. Oo, what do you think this means, Veronica? He holds up a drawing pad on which is a parrot in a captain's cap with a speech bubble that says, "Draw Me!" The drawing is in the style of the graphics on the "Ahoy, Mateys!" website. MARCOS: Think I got what it takes for art school? Marcos looks out of the window. The bus is now plunging through thinning clouds to the ground. MARCOS: Crap. A cell phone starts to ring. Marcos takes it out of his pocket and stares at the caller ID. MARCOS: It's for you. He hands it to her. Veronica, her eyed glazed with tears, is hesitant but takes it. She looks at it. It stops ringing as from the back of the bus, Rhonda starts to leave her last message. RHONDA: Where are you, loser? Next to Veronica is a bag containing two sticks of C-4 with some wire leading over two baseballs. Veronica stares down at it in quiet panic. The cell phone in her hand starts to ring again. Veronica looks down at it and swallows hard. End.

Plan: A: Veronica; Q: Who is trying to find the person responsible for the bus crash? A: Meg's parents; Q: Who had been trying to set Veronica up with Tommy "Lucky" Dohanic? A: two million dollars; Q: How much money did the family of a bus crash victim win? A: Woody; Q: Who was the secret settlement with? A: Richard; Q: Who took out an insurance policy on his sons? A: a few days; Q: How long after Richard's marriage to Kendall did he take out an insurance policy on his sons? Summary: The victims of the bus crash and a mysterious phrase haunt Veronica's dreams as she continues to search for the person responsible for the crash. Veronica finds out that Meg's parents had been trying to set her up with a Neptune High janitor named Tommy "Lucky" Dohanic. Keith discovers that the family of a bus crash victim won two million dollars from a secret settlement with Woody. Richard took out an insurance policy on his sons a few days after his marriage to Kendall, which makes them worth more dead than they are alive.

(Burke and Cristina's apartment) (George is standing in front of a mirror in the bathroom. There's a pair of scissors on the table in front of him) MVO: As doctors patients are always telling us how they would do our jobs. (George picks up the scissors and starts snipping off random bits of his hair) MVO: Just stitch me up, slap a band-aid on it and send me home. (Forest Park) (Doc is barking along a walking trail) MVO: It's easy to suggest a quick solution when you don't know much about the problem. When you don't understand the underlying cause ... (Derek picks up a stick of the ground and throws it far and Doc chases after it. Meredith is walking with Derek) MVO: ... or just how deep the wound really is. Derek: So your friends ... they still mad about this very bad horrible thing you did? Meredith (smiles): The very horrible bad thing that I won't tell you about? Yes they're still upset. Derek: Well whatever it is I don't want to know. Even if I beg. Don't tell me. Meredith: Ok, I won't. Derek: Good. Ok. Although we are friends. Meredith: True, we are friends. Derek: Technically you tell friends stuff. You come to me with a problem, I give you the answer. After maybe we celebrate the moments of our lives. (Derek takes a swig of his water bottle. Meredith takes the bottle and takes a sip herself) Meredith: I will keep that in my mind next time I do a horrible thing. What about you, don't you have any problems you want to tell me about? Derek: Truthfully, at this moment in time I don't have any problems. Not a single one. (Burke and Cristina's apartment) MVO: The first step towards a real cure is to know exactly what the disease is to begin with. (Cristina walks out of the bedroom in her pj's and grabs a mug to pour some instant coffee) MVO: But that's not what people want to hear. (The front door opens and Burke and George enter looking very sweaty and tired and out of breath) Burke: Good morning! (Burke heads into the bedroom and George heads to the fridge and grabs a water bottle) George: Ah how many miles was that Dr. Burke? Burke (calls out): Five! George: Five. Five miles in 50 minutes. Nice. (Burke re-enters and George throws him a water bottle) Burke: We can get it closer to 45. George: Pancakes? Burke: Ah, top cupboard. (George is a bit too short for the cupboard and has to jump a few times to grab the mix. Cristina stares at them strangely pouring coffee) Cristina: What's wrong with your hair? Burke: Leave the man alone. He's got issues. (He goes to the fridge and starts throwing George some ingredients) And if he wants to cut his hair to get over those issues that's his business. His thing. George: It's my thing. (to Burke) Coffee? (Cristina holds up the instant coffee she has but they don't notice) Burke: Oh cappuccino. George: Ooh excellent. Cappuccino. (George starts prepping the coffee maker to make a cappuccino while Cristina looks a little off-put by the whole situation) MVO: We're supposed to forget the past that landed us here, ignore the future complications that might arise and go for the quick fix. (Seattle Scenes) (SGH) (Bailey is actually dressed for work but still carrying her baby. George is walking beside her up some stairs with Cristina, Meredith and Izzie lagging behind) Izzie: What happened to George's hair? Is he having a nervous breakdown? Cristina: Burke says he's got issues. Uh you should see them together. Like doing things, like running ... and cooking and talking. They're like bonding. Izzie: And you're afraid that Burke will realize he makes a better girlfriend than you? (Cristina doesn't answer. Izzie nods) Cristina: You know Meredith just go and apologize to him. Meredith: I've tried! Izzie: Try again. Things can't stay like this. They suck like this. (They're now walking a hallway and Alex runs up to catch up with them) Alex: What's up with O'Malley's hair? He looks like a hobbit. Izzie: He's just trying a new look. Alex: You never called me back last night. You avoiding me? Izzie: Why would I be avoiding you? (Denny's patient room. Izzie, George, Meredith, Cristina, Alex and Burke are in there) Izzie: Denny Duquette. Age 36. Denny: 37 in 3 weeks. Izzie (smiles): 37 in 3 weeks. He's having difficulty breathing and chest pains. Burke: Breath sounds? Izzie: Still a little junky. He has a build up fluid in his system. Denny: Hey did you just call me a junkie? (Izzie tries not to smile shaking her head) That's not very nice. Burke: Denny, you're congestive heart failure is getting worse despite the meds. (Denny nods) Denny: Alright so how do we proceed? Burke: Doctors how do we proceed? (Izzie moves to answer but Alex beats her to it) Alex: Titrate up his nitrate drip and continue with diuretics plus- Izzie (interrupts): ACE-inhibitors, Beta-blockers and start dobutamine. Burke: I also want his ins and outs recorded and one of you monitoring him at all times. Izzie (immediately puts up her hand): I'll stay. Alex: Me too. (He pushes past the others to stand next to Izzie. Izzie and Denny look a little off-put) (Addison is walking down a hallway followed by Bailey, her baby, George, Meredith and Cristina. They enter a patient's room. Mrs. Gibson is a thirty year old or so pregnant woman lying in bed. Her husband is sitting by her bedside) Addison: Mr. and Mrs. Gibson, I'm Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. I'll be covering for Doctor Pollack. (Mr. Gibson looks at Addison taken-aback at her) Meredith: Mrs. Gibson had a pre-term premature rupture of her membranes at 28 weeks. Cristina: She's confined to supervised bed rest for 7 weeks and has a low grade fever. (Mr. Gibson looks at Addison kind of like he's enamored with her) Mrs. Gibson: Can't you just schedule a C? Believe me, I'm ready to have this baby. Mr. Gibson: Hey you and me both. (He chuckles and Mrs. Gibson shoots him a look) Addison: I want to get your blood work back before we make any further decisions. Mrs. Gibson: I have to pee. Again. (She sits up more and Mr. Gibson stands up to her help her get out of bed) Mr. Gibson: Come on, here we go. (Mrs. Gibson goes to the bathroom) Mr. Gibson: I appreciate you taking over my wife's case uh, uh Dr. Pollack says you're the best. Addison: Oh it's my pleasure Mr. Gibson. Mr. Gibson: He didn't mention that ah- wow you bear a striking resemblance to a young Catherine Deneuve. (Addison looks a little surprised) Oh you've, you've never heard that before? (The others in the room look a little confused and amused as well.) Addison: Uh, eh no. Sorry I, I have to say it's a first. Bailey (quietly): Been told I look like Halle Berry. Mr. Gibson: Ah beautiful. Beautiful. Well Miss Deneuve. (Addison pagers goes off and she checks it) Of course you are too but by extension. Addison (a little uncomfortable): Right, we'll be back um in later to check on your wife. (She heads out) Mr. Gibson: Look forward to it! (The others follow her) (Group is walking down a hallway. Bailey's pager goes off and her baby is crying) Bailey: Uh ER needs a consult. Addison: Uh O'Malley, Grey why don't you go and take that? Meredith: What about Mrs. Gibson? Addison: I'll take care of Mrs. Gibson. (Meredith starts walking away) George: Uh they really need both us? Addison: I'll guess you'll find out. Go! (George walks off and they continue walking down the hallway. Richard notices them a few feet away) Addison: Are you taking him to the nursery? Bailey: Ah it's full and Tucker's out of town until tomorrow. (Richard walks up to them) Richard: You brought your baby to work? (Addison takes Will from Bailey and tries to calm him down) Bailey: Uh yes Chief. Richard: You're not going to take him into surgery with you? Bailey: Uh, uh I don't have anything scheduled for today. Richard: Yet. Bailey: Ok I can't solve a problem until there's a problem to solve. Are you saying there's a problem? Addison: Yeah, is there a problem Richard? Richard: No. (Richard walks off) (Meredith and George are waiting for an elevator. George is reading his book intently while Meredith just looks at him) Meredith: You know at some point you are going to have to talk to me. (George starts walking away) George: I'm gonna take the stairs. (Meredith looks upset and gets on the elevator) (Meredith enters the Pit. She walks up to an ER doctor) Meredith: You paged? Doctor: Yeah just got a new patient. Looks surgical. Maybe neuro. (She pulls open a curtain to reveal a relatively young black couple sitting on a bed together. They're names are Sylvia and Kyle Booker. Meredith looks down and notices the ice-pack on Kyle's groin) Meredith: Doesn't look neuro to me. Doctor: Not him. Kyle: Oh no I'm fine. It's my wife. Sylvia: This is so embarrassing but we didn't know what else to do. (She turns her head slightly to reveal a fork largely embedded in her neck) Meredith: Oh. (Derek has now joined them and is checking the bandages around Sylvia's neck) Kyle: We were at the Hotel Monaco having brunch. I...we had some mimosas... Sylvia (interrupts): Uh can we just skip that part. Can we pull this out and just go...I'm fine really. Kyle: Sylvia was giving me some special attention. Under the table. (Derek looks up at this) Sylvia (embarrassed): Oh dear lord. Derek: Oh! Ok. (Meredith tries not to laugh but smiles broadly) Kyle: Sweetie, they're doctors. They've heard it all. Derek: Yes, we have. Meredith: Absolutely. (Derek grins at Meredith but the Bookers can't see. Meredith shoots him a look trying not to smile) Sylvia: While I was down there something happened. It was like a shock went through my body. Kyle: And she clenched. Derek: Clenched? (Sylvia nods) Sylvia: My jaw. It just shut. Kyle: And I panicked. Derek: Oh yeah. (Derek makes a look pain at Meredith and Meredith nods back) Kyle: And I grabbed a fork off the table and it was just instinctual. Sylvia: It doesn't hurt that much. We just didn't want to pull it out cause it's in there pretty good. Meredith: No you did the right thing. Pulling it out could cause more damage. Derek: You know I wanna do an x-ray. I wanna make sure there is no nerve or major blood vessels being comprised. (Kyle kisses Sylvia on the cheek and she nods) Now Mr. Booker did you get your injury um, you know, checked? Kyle: Oh Doctors say I'm fine. It's just some bruising. (Derek nods) Derek: Good. Ok. I wanna find out what's causing the clenching. (Kyle looks at his wife while she nods at Derek) Now do you have a history of seizures? Sylvia: No, nothing like that. Kyle: It may...It may have something to do with her brain aneurysm. Sylvia: Kyle! Kyle: What? Sylvia: I don't want to do this now. (Derek shoots Meredith a look and looks down at the chart. Meredith shakes her head) Meredith: No it's not on there. Sylvia: Can't we just take this fork out and go? Derek: No. Kyle: She was diagnosed about 6 weeks ago. Derek: And your doctor didn't recommend surgery? Sylvia: All the surgeons have said it's inoperable. Derek: Hmm. Sylvia: That's why Kyle and I are hear in Seattle. The Space Needle. I've always wanted to see it. Kyle (smiles at his wife): We wanted to see it together. Derek (softly to Meredith): Do an MRI. (He walks around her) It was good to see you today. (Meredith smiles) (Pit ambulance area where Bailey is standing holding her baby who is crying loudly, outside an ambulance. Ray the paramedic is wheeling out a guy stretched out on a gurney. The ambulance is still wailing loudly although parked) Bailey (yells): What do we got? Ray: Tachycardic in the 140s. Systolic is in the 60s. Last was 72 over 40. (He wheels the guy into the hospital and Bailey moves around to the corner to talk to another paramedic) Bailey: Can you turn that off? Turn that off! Paramedic: Ok! (Cristina comes up to her) Cristina: Dr. Bailey. (The ambulance stops wailing and Bailey quickly turns around to face Cristina) Bailey: Here, take him. (She starts remove Will from herself) Cristina: Uh what? Bailey: You're going to watch him. Cristina: No, no, no. You don't want me to do that. I can... Bailey: Yang I have a patient! I need to operate on that patient right now! Take him! Cristina: Page the Chief! Bailey: No I'm not paging anyone. I'm a surgeon. I'm going to do the surgery. Cris...I ... I need you to help me Cristina. (She hands Will over to Cristina who looks horrified) Cristina (speechless): I...I ... (Bailey also hands her Will's baby bag and Will starts to cry loudly) Bailey: Take him. Watch from the gallery! You both can. (She rushes off into the hospital leaving Cristina holding a very upset little baby and kinda unsure what to do. She heads into the hospital) (George is rifling through a filing cabinet in the Pit. He notices Callie standing a few feet away looking at a computer. She suddenly notices him and then looks away quickly. George walks up to her as Callie moves off) George: Hey. Callie: Hey. (She turns back to him) You didn't call me. George (nods): I did. I did. A few times. I just hung up every time. Callie: Nice. Very stalker like. (George nods) Goes with the hair. George: I just thought it would look good a little shorter. Callie (smiles): It is shorter. ... I make you nervous don't I? George (nods): Yeah a little. Callie: That's good. George: Yeah, that's what? (Callie laughs) Callie: Hey are you busy? George: No. Callie: You wanna see something really cool? (Area in the Pit where a young guy named Heath Mercer is sitting on a bed with his hand on an icepack. One of his fingers is extremely bent and obviously broken and looks like it has lost all circulation of blood to it by being quite blue. Callie and George are examining it closely) George: Whoa. Callie: Excellent, right? George: Yeah it is. How'd you do that? Heath: After hockey practice this morning. I didn't have my glove on cause I was getting a drink from the goalie's water bottle and the next thing I know this ass-head crashes into the net, my hand gets tangled in the mesh and I start hearing pops. (Callie places a film onto a viewing board near the bed) Heath: Big pops. Callie: Dr. O'Malley, what do you see? George (moves to look at the screen): Oh dislocation of the PIP joint and multiple fractures. (He moves back to Heath) That must really hurt. Heath: It's just a finger. Last season I took a puck to the face; broke two teeth. (Heath smiles) George (raises his eyebrows): Oh yeah. Callie: Ortho's love hockey season. It's like Christmas everyday. Heath: Can we just like put it on a splint or something? I've got a really big game this afternoon. (Callie and George exchange kinda shocked looks) (Trauma room where Sylvia is now lying on a bed that's been half propped up to remove the fork from her neck. Meredith is checking the wound while Sylvia's husband Kyle sits on a chair in front of Sylvia. A nurse is also in there helping set up) Sylvia: Um, do you know what you're doing? I mean have you ever done this before? Meredith (smiles): Have I ever pulled a fork out of somebody's neck? (Kyle chuckles) Sylvia: Mmm great. Ok. Yeah let's just do it. (to Kyle) Honey? Kyle: Mmm? Sylvia: Talk to me. Kyle: Ok. Sylvia: Distract me. Kyle: Ok. Think about Paris. Sylvia: Ok. Kyle: And the food and the wine. Sylvia (smiling): Uh huh. Kyle: And the long walks we'll take together and the Champs de what? Sylvia: The Champs d'Elys�es. (Meredith yanks the fork out) Kyle: More food. Sylvia: Yes. Kyle: More wine. Meredith: Ok. Sylvia: That's it? (Meredith nods) Oh my god, I didn't even feel anything. You're amazing. (Meredith half smiles) She's amazing. Kyle (to Meredith): So how much do you know about this Dr. Shepherd? Sylvia (warningly): Kyle. No. I do not want another MRI. I want to go to Paris. Kyle: I made a few calls. He has an incredible reputation. Sylvia: Please Kyle. Let's just live our lives. (Meredith is sewing up Sylvia's wound while Kyle looks upset) I wanna go crazy. I wanna crawl underneath the table. I wanna go to Paris while we still can. Meredith: Dr. Shepherd is an extraordinary surgeon. If he thinks he can help a second opinion couldn't hurt, could it? Sylvia: There won't be a second opinion. It'll be a fourth opinion. And when Dr. Shepherd says there's nothing more that he can do, we'll be devastated all over again. I just wanna spend what little time we have left in Paris. Kyle: So do I. But I don't want to go to Paris and wonder if we should've listened to the amazing girl who took a fork out of your neck. (Sylvia just shakes her head at Kyle and begins to chuckle. Kyle chuckles too and Meredith is smiling as well) (Denny's room where Denny is lying in bed and Alex is checking his monitors and writing in his chart) Denny: You're not Izzie. Alex: Sorry to disappoint you. Denny: Not disappointed, just saying. W-here is she? Alex: Well she's busy with other patients. (He smirks at Denny) I'm afraid you'll have to make do with me. Denny: Look man I'm sure you're, I'm sure you're a fine doctor just, just not as much my type. No offense. Alex: Yeah well I'll just have to settle on being Izzie's type. Denny: So you ... you two ... Alex: Yeah. Yeah. (he nods looking awfully pleased with himself) Pretty much you know. Denny: Congratulations. (Fairly empty gallery where Cristina is changing Bailey's baby's diaper on the floor) Cristina (singing): A, b, c, d. (stops singing and removes the diaper) Oh, gross. (Starts singing again) E, f, g, this really couldn't suck any worse. Richard: (appears in the door way): Dr. Yang. Cristina: Oh ah, Dr. Webber. Richard: What's that smell? Cristina: Uh...it's feces, it's baby feces. We've had an incident, sir. Richard: Are you having trouble with the diaper, Yang? Cristina: Sir. No, sir. Richard: Because it looks like you're having trouble with the diaper. Cristina: No, sir, I've got a ... I've got a MD from Stanford and a PhD from Berkley I can handle this diaper. (suddenly looks at Richard pleadingly) Unless you want to? Richard (uncomfortable): Uh...n...no, no. It's alright, it's alright, you carry on. Carry on. (Richard walks away) (Meredith is pushing Sylvia sitting in a wheelchair down a hallway) Sylvia: Can we stop for a moment please? Meredith: Sure. (Meredith stops the wheelchair) Sylvia: I can walk. Meredith: Oh, ok. (Sylvia stands up) The wheelchair is just protocol. Sylvia: Yeah well I'm way past caring about protocol. I just wanna feel my body move while I can. (They start walking down the hall again with Meredith pushing the empty wheelchair) Meredith: You seem incredibly ok with your prognosis. Sylvia (nods): More than ok. I'm a little in love with my prognosis. Woke me up. Woke my marriage up. Been sleepwalking about 15 years and now I am wide awake. I'm having this MRI for Kyle. He's not ready to let go. But me and my aneurysm ... (she nods) we're good friends. (Derek is in the MRI scan viewing room looking over Sylvia's scans. Addison walks in) Addison: Hey, I've been looking for you. Derek: Hey. (he points to the screen in front of him) Look. Look at the size of this aneurysm. Addison: Yeah it's big. Derek: It's huge. Addison: You're going to try to operate? Derek: Well I'm definitely intrigued. Addison: You know who Catherine Deneuve is? Derek: Hmmm ... yeah actress. French. Hot. (He starts taking notes on the MRI) Addison: One of my patients...her husband actually uh said I looked like her. (They both kinda chuckle but Derek isn't really paying attention and more focused on the MRI) Derek: Isn't she blonde? Addison: Yeah ... I guess. I dunno...I...I dunno. Anyways so ... ok, you're busy. Derek (still staring at the screen): Bye. (She walks out of the room) (Denny's CICU room where Denny is sitting up right in his bed and Izzie is sitting on the edge of his bed. They have the moveable table separating them with a game of scrabble open) Denny: I'm not just another pretty face you know. (he taps his head) I've got it going on up here as well. Izzie: So you keep telling me. Denny: Yep. I probably know hundreds of words. Izzie: Really? Hundreds. Wow you're a real brain trust. Denny: Ouch. Izzie: Oh I'm highly competitive. (She moves her scrabble pieces onto the board) Screw. S-C-R-E-W. That's 25 points thank you very much. Denny: Wait a second, now you didn't tell me we were playing naughty word scrabble. Izzie (laughs): We're not playing naughty word scrabble, you just have a dirty mind. Denny: Oh, it's filthy but you're the one that put down screw. Izzie: I was referring to hardware, not s*x. (She picks up some more pieces) Denny: Oh. I guess maybe sometimes it's ah; it's hard to tell where you're...where you're coming from. (Izzie looks at him confused) Izzie: What do you mean? Denny: Alex ah ... he may have said something about you guys um being together. Izzie (kinda avoiding eye-contact): Uh well ... he had no business telling you that and besides it's not even true so ... Denny: So you're not together? Izzie: No. I mean yeah a little but not really so ... no. (Denny nods) Denny (sarcastic): Ok ... well sweet. Thanks, (chuckles) thanks for clearing that up. (They kinda smile at each other but then Denny has serious trouble breathing) Izzie: Denny what is it? (Denny just gasps for air) Don't, don't panic! Just try to breathe! (She moves quickly to the door) Izzie: Page Dr. Burke! (Denny's is seriously getting worse and Izzie runs up to him and places an oxygen mask over him) Izzie: Just try to breathe! Just breathe! Just breathe! Take it easy! (Denny just gasps for breath into the mask) (Denny is now lying on his bed breathing slowly but seems to be okay. Izzie and Dr. Burke are standing near his bedside) Izzie: He had flash-pulmonary edema. I switched him to nesiritide, started him on milrinone and put him on BiPAP. Burke: That's a good call Stevens. Denny (slight breathing difficulty): Good call. Bad news right? Burke: It's not good. The fact is Denny, you need a new heart and you're running out of time. Denny: Ok, so what's behind door number 2? Burke: I would like to install a left-ventricular assist device. It's a battery operated machine to help your heart pump. Denny: Battery-operated. (he smiles) I knew it. You people are trying to turn me into a robot. (Burke and Izzie chuckle) It's all part of your evil plan to take over the hospital. Izzie: It's a bridge to transplant Denny. It'll keep you alive while we wait for your new heart. Denny: Yeah that easy, huh? (to Burke) No catch? Burke: There are some risks. Increased damage to your platelets, increased bleeding and if you do choose the assist device, you may not be able to leave the hospital until you get a donor heart. Denny: Phew... (raises his eyebrows) yeah ... any other options? (Burke and Izzie remain silent) I'm gonna need time to think. Burke: Don't take too long Denny. (Burke leaves the room) [SCENE_BREAK] (On-call room where Izzie is standing pacing. Alex walks in and whistles closing the door behind him) Alex: Always happy to get this page. (He starts to remove his shirt) Izzie: Stop. That's not why I paged you. Alex: What you paged me to the on-call room to talk? Izzie: No I paged you to the on-call room to yell. Why the hell did you talk to Denny about us? You had no right! Alex: Oh right because you never talk to Denny about personal... Izzie (interrupts angry): I don't talk to him about our s*x life Alex! That is between us! Alex: Oh, got it! So none of your friends know that we're sleeping together? Izzie: I'm sorry are you saying that you and Denny are friends now? Alex: No I don't become friends with my patients Iz! Izzie (yells): You're an ass! You feel threatened by him! That is why you did that! There is no other reason! Alex: You're his doctor Izzie! And he's your half-dead, possibly soon to be all-dead patient! How can I possibly be threatened by that guy? Izzie: I can't believe you just said that. (She moves to walk past him but he puts his arm up to stop her) Alex: Someone's got too. (He removes his arm and Izzie walks to the door opening it and slams it closed behind her) (Trauma room where Heath is now sitting on an exam table getting his hand bandaged up by Callie. George is standing near them. Mrs. Mercer, Heath's mom is also in the room) Callie: I'll schedule the surgery for your son. In the meantime I'm sending Heath home today with a prescription for hydrocodone to control the pain. Heath: Look I...I get this is a bad break but it doesn't hurt that much. I'm telling you I can handle this! So here's what I'm thinking, we take this off; we put a small splint on my fingers so I can jam it into the glove. I play today and then I'm all yours! (Callie silently shakes her head in disbelief and humor) Mrs. Mercer: You're not playing today. There's no playing today! George: Heath, you're mom's right. Mrs. Mercer: Thank you. Did you hear that? I'm right. (to George) You're mother must be very proud of you. (Heath jumps off the table angry) Heath: Scouts are coming today! College Scouts! I could get a scholarship today! Don't you get that? Callie: Heath, if I cut that bandage off, we risk doing permanent damage to your finger. (She pats him comfortingly) I'm with you man but I'm sorry there's no way we can put your finger into a glove today. Heath: There must be something you can do. I need to play this afternoon. This game ... it's what I've been training for my entire life. This is my chance to go to college. This is my whole future. Mrs. Mercer: Oh honey, you can go to community college and get your grades up... (Heath storms out of the room angrily) Mrs. Mercer: I'm sorry. (she shakes her head) I'm sorry. (She leaves the room) Callie: Oh (she sighs) sucks. George: Yeah. (Outdoor cafeteria where Addison is eating lunch by herself at one of the tables reading a magazine. Mr. Gibson walks up to her with his own lunch tray) Mr. Gibson: Oh, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. (he points to papers on the table) Are those my wife's test results there? Addison: Yes, they are actually. There's no infection. (Mr. Gibson just appears to stare at Addison) Everything looks good. I'm scheduling a C-section this afternoon. I was actually going to go up after lunch and tell her. (Addison goes back to reading her magazine but realizes that Mr. Gibson is still staring at her and puts down the magazine) Addison: Mr. Gibson... Mr. Gibson (interrupts): You know you really do look like Catherine Deneuve. Addison: I'm talking about your wife. Giving birth to your baby. Mr. Gibson: I know. I know. I'm sorry. May I? (he sits down at the table) Listen I don't mean to focus on your looks. I mean you seem very kind, very intelligent; obviously you're a doctor. I don't mean to objectify or harass you in any way ... (he groans) I'm usually not this awkward but you're just so extraordinarily beautiful. (Addison chuckles obviously flattered) I understand if a beautiful, intelligent woman like you doesn't want to eat with me. So uh ... well, anyway ... (He moves to get up) Addison: No, no. Mr. Gibson: Really? Addison: Yes, stay. It's fine. Mr. Gibson: Ok. All right. Addison: You're gonna eat that pudding? (She grabs his pudding from his tray) (Nearby table where Cristina, Izzie, George are all sitting at table together eating lunch. Cristina still has Bailey's baby in her arms and looks very harassed) Cristina (hisses): Take him! Izzie: No. Bailey gave him to you. Cristina: She's only gonna be in surgery for another half an hour. Hour tops. Take him. Take him. Izzie: You're a liar. And you also smell like vomit. George: Really? Cause I just think it smells like poo. Cristina: Okay this is why some species eat their young. Izzie (to George): Have you talk to Meredith yet? George: Tomorrow ah I'm gonna buy a T-shirt that says 'Stop asking me about Meredith' and I'm gonna wear it everyday until people stop asking me about Meredith! (Meredith walks into the cafeteria and Cristina notices) Cristina: Shh, at least they won't be asking you about your hair! (Meredith sits down at the table next to George. George gets up immediately and leaves) Izzie: Uh! Come on. (to Meredith) Meredith, stop him! (George sits down with Callie at any empty table) Meredith: What should I do? Knock him down? Cristina: Do you know that he cut his hair over my bathroom sink this morning? Meredith: George is a good roommate. If you tell him what's annoying you, he will stop. Cristina: No he's not my...he's not my...See this is why I shouldn't have given up my place. Izzie: He would still be our roommate if Meredith would just apologize. Meredith: I have apologized. I've apologized sincerely. And you know what? It takes two, to make a stupid sexual decision. So, whatever. (She gets up and leaves) Izzie: Oh. I just miss when we all got along. Can't we just go back to that? (Alex comes to the table and hovers over it. Izzie gets up immediately) Izzie: Excuse me; I have to check on a patient. (She leaves and Alex throws his tray down hard on the table and sits down. Instantly Bailey's baby starts crying loudly) Cristina (glares at Alex): Awesome. Awesome! Thanks Alex. Thank you! (She starts getting up) Oh yeah. Ok. (Rocking the baby) Shut it. Shut it. Shut it. (Open hallway in front of the big wall of windows. Meredith and Derek are standing eating lunch together. Meredith is facing the window and Derek is facing the opposite direction) Meredith: They have no right to be mad at me! It's none of their business. Derek: I agree. Meredith: You can't agree. You don't even know what I'm talking about. Derek: You're talking about being mad at your friends for being mad at you. Meredith: I hate them. I do. Derek (leans in close): What the hell did you do? Meredith (chuckles): I'm not telling you. Derek: Oh you know as a friend, you suck. (Derek stands up weirded out when he notices across on the other side of the hospital Addison laughing with Mr. Gibson outside the elevators. Meredith notices his look and follows his gaze. He turns back around to face the window) Meredith: Does Addison know we're friends? (He doesn't answer and continues to chew on his sandwich) Derek: Did you get Sylvia Booker's blood work back yet? (Meredith stares at him a bit) Meredith: I'm going right now. (She leaves) (Gallery overlooking the OR where Bailey is performing surgery. Cristina is holding a very antsy baby Will who is crying loudly. She uses Will's foot to press the intercom button that allows you to communicate to the OR) Cristina (desperate): Dr. Bailey! Bailey (focused on the surgery): What is it Yang? Cristina: Uh. He's crying. Bailey: Let me hear him. (Will however cries loudly over Bailey's voice) Cristina: What? Bailey: Let me hear the baby cry. (Cristina holds up Will to the intercom who cries loudly) Bailey: That's cry number 4. You need to feed him. (Cristina pulls Will away from the intercom) Cristina: Oh god. Oh. (Small waiting room where Sylvia and Kyle are sitting down together on some seats. Derek is standing across from them and Meredith is standing a few feet from Derek) Sylvia: A double-barrel what? Meredith: The double-barrel brain by-pass. Derek: I'm gonna use two scalp arteries to re-direct the blood flow in your brain around the aneurysm. (He sits down across from them) Kyle: How come no one else has mentioned this? Derek: Well it's a surgery that's been performed less than a dozen times. I have performed one successfully and I've watched one. I don't want to understate the risks. (Sylvia doesn't seem very happy at this news) Kyle: Risks? Derek: Mmm hmm. The risks are that the aneurysm could rupture on the table. Kyle: But you think there's a chance. A chance that it could work. Sylvia: No. Hell no. I'm leaving. And we're going to Europe. We've always wanted to see it. We've never had the time. This is the time. We're going. That's it. (Derek seems a little taken-aback at this news) (Derek is walking to a nurses' station. Kyle walks up to him anxiously) Kyle: Dr. Shepherd? Can I get a word? Derek: Yes. Kyle: Um, I'm sorry if my wife offended you. Derek: Oh no. No offense at all. Kyle: Oh. I didn't notice her. Derek: I'm sorry? Kyle: For 15 years I didn't notice her. When we got married she was everything and sometime, somewhere along the way I stopped noticing her, I stopped seeing her and since she's been sick she's all I've seen. And I hate that's what it took, I hate it and I'm sorry. But I love her. And I don't want her...I don't want my wife to die. Please talk to her. (Derek nods) Dr. Shepherd, please. Derek (smiles ruefully): Ok. (Derek walks away) (Nurses' station where Addison is filling in a patient's chart. Bailey comes up to the nurses' station) Addison: I had a lunch date with my patient's husband today. He paid attention to me Miranda. For a whole half hour. (Bailey gives her a look) Bailey: Addison, you're not gonna fix the problem with your husband by having meals with someone else's. Addison: Mmm. (Addison walks away) Bailey: I mean it! (Nurses' station where Cristina is sitting down, unsuccessful attempting to feed Bailey's baby with a bottle. Will is just crying loudly) Cristina: Oh please eat. Eat. I'm begging you to eat! Yummy food. Yummy! Bailey. Breast...milk. Food. Come on! (Burke comes up behind Cristina holding a cup coffee looking highly amused) Burke: Well look at you. (Cristina gives Burke an annoyed look) Cristina: You find this amusing. Burke: And you don't? Cristina: Come on...you know what? I can't help you. I can't help you. I can not help you if you do not want to eat. (George walks by and notices Cristina's struggle and walks up to them) If you're gonna keep on crying, then eat. (George takes Will from Cristina and the bottle. Will instantly stops crying and instantly successful Will to feed from the bottle) Burke: O'Malley, you're a natural. You have nieces and nephews? (Cristina just looks on amazed) George: No sir, babies just like me. Burke (looks at Cristina): Oh speaks to a good bedside manner. (She just glares back. Burke pats George on the shoulder) Keep it up. George: Thanks sir. (Burke walks off and Callie walks up to George) Callie: Hey, is that Bailey's baby? George: Yeah. Callie: Oh, oh he's so cute. (Cristina just tiredly rubs her forehead. Callie leans in close to George) Oh hi there. ... So I scheduled the Mercer kid's surgery for tomorrow afternoon, I assume you want in? (Cristina jumps up eagerly) Cristina: No, no I want in the surgery. Any surgery. I'll do it. Callie: Who are you? Cristina: I'm Cristina. Callie: Sorry, I only need one. George: Oh well absolutely, I'm in. (Cristina sits down dejected) Callie: Ok. Oh and George? George: Hmm? Callie: This is the last invitation I'm extending, (Cristina looks up at this) so the ball's in your court. (Callie walks away) George: Ok. Callie (calls back): Ok. Cristina: Seriously? George: Seriously. Cristina: Nice. Think she has a couch you can sleep on? (Outside emergency entrance of the hospital where Sylvia is standing looking impatient. Derek walks outside and up to her) Derek: Mrs. Booker. Sylvia: I'm waiting for my husband. He's bringing the car. Derek: Mrs. Booker, I know you're worried about the surgery. Sylvia: No, I'm not. I'm not worried about it, because I'm not having it. Derek: You're not having the surgery because of the medical risks. Sylvia: No, I'm not having it because, because for the first time in 12 years I have a great marriage and I have a life. And I wanna live it. Derek: You, you have weeks. If this surgery is successful, you're looking at decades. Sylvia (shakes her head): I don't think you understand. I'm not crazy and I don't wanna die but I don't wanna go back to being Kyle's bed warmer in a full-length flannel nightgown. (Derek nods) Can you understand that? Derek: I understand that you're tired of settling, so don't. Fight. Fight for your life. Fight for your marriage. Let me operate. And make a decision right now that you'll never settle again. (Sylvia contemplates this) (Izzie is sitting in Denny's room watching over him looking very worried. He's just lying in bed breathing into an oxygen mask looking very sickly. He looks over at her and removes the mask) Izzie (anxious): The LVAD will inhibit organ deterioration. It will allow you to get off most of the meds that you're on and it'll give your heart a much needed rest. (Denny smiles at her concern) Denny (softly): Izzie, I'm just ... I'm just so tired. Izzie: I appreciate that but the LVAD also has increased survival rates over conventional therapies. And I think that you need... Denny (interrupts still soft spoken): Hey. Hey. ... Having this surgery ... it means I don't get to leave here. And you know how much I hate hospitals. Izzie (nods): I do know. But as your doctor I can't support you making any other decision. (Denny smiles) The surgery will allow you more time and we need more time. Denny: We? Izzie: We uh your doctors, need more time. ... ... And we need more time. Denny: So, you'll be here? Izzie: Everyday. Denny: And as an added bonus, it'll really piss off Alex. (Izzie half laughs) Izzie: Yes, that it will. Denny: Ok. Izzie: Ok? Denny (nods): Ok. Izzie (smiles relieved): Ok. Ok. (She helps Denny place the oxygen mask back on) (Emergency entrance of the hospital where Heath walks in smiling holding a bloody rag over his hand. George nearby notices him & walks up to him) George: Heath, hi. Heath: Hey. Told you I couldn't miss my game and I didn't. I made 2 goals and 1 assist and there were scouts there! (George notices the bloody rag) George: What did you do? Heath: I cut off my finger. (George looks up shocked) It's ok. I saved it so you guys can sew it back on. (He holds up an ice-cooler in his other hand. George stares at him still thoroughly shocked and opens up the ice-cooler. There in a large batch of ice lies Heath's cut off finger. George nods at him still amazed and Heath nods back smiling happily) (OR where Callie is operating on Heath's finger. George is in there helping) Callie: Tissue infection in here. Not good. George: He said he found out how to do it on the internet. Who puts up Web pages on how to cut off your own finger? Callie: Well he's got a passion and he sacrificed for it. You gotta respect that. George (amazed): No ... you don't. (to scrub nurse) Thank you Bokie. (back to Callie) He cut off his own finger. A finger... (he moves out of Callie's way) sorry...that would've healed perfectly in a few months. (he clamps down on the finger) I got it. Callie: Sometimes you can't wait. Just want the pain to stop. So you cut it off. The problem and the pain. George (shakes his head): That doesn't and the pain no. I mean if it's that painful...(he accepts another instrument from the scrubs nurse) Thank you- (back to Callie) to start with, even if you cut it off there's always gonna be that phantom pain. Callie (stares at him): Your ex did a real number on you, huh. (George looks a little taken aback) (Hallway where Sylvia prepped for the OR is lying on a hospital bed being wheeled down the hallway. Meredith and two other interns are pushing the bed with Kyle also walking bedside the bed) Sylvia: You're quitting your job. Kyle: Oh absolutely. Sylvia: And we're selling the house. Kyle: Mmm hmm. Sylvia: And we're moving to Paris and we're spending that nest egg now. Kyle: Yeah. Sylvia: Promise? Kyle: I promise. Sylvia: Baby? Kyle: Yeah. Sylvia: If I die, promise me you'll do it anyway. Kyle: I promise. (Meredith pushes a button to open the double doors that are coming up and she turns to Kyle) Meredith: I'm sorry, this is far as you can go. (Kyle looks a little distraught and moves up close to Sylvia) Kyle: Sylvia, please don't die. Sylvia: I'll do my best. (He leans and they kiss) (Kyle is left standing watching as they wheel Sylvia away) (On-call room where Cristina is lying asleep holding Will who is also asleep on the bottom bunk-bed. Bailey comes in and gently removes Cristina's arm holding Will and leans in to take him. Cristina wakes groggy) Cristina (groggy): I fed him. Oh god there's poop everywhere. Wait. (Bailey scoops up Will into her arms and Cristina sits up startled and more awake) Bailey: Go back to sleep Cristina. (Bailey bends down to grab a bag filled with Will's baby things near the doorway and Cristina takes the opportunity to speak) Cristina: I know you're the boss of me and you could destroy my career and make my life a living hell and torture and pain and all that but just in the future (she looks earnestly at Bailey) I don't baby sit! Bailey: Fine. (She leaves and closes the door behind her) (OR where Addison is performing a C-Section on Mrs. Gibson with an OR team. She takes out the crying baby and hands the baby to George who is also there) (OR where Burke is performing surgery on Denny with an OR team. Izzie is there to standing and watching) Izzie: I read that a patient's heart can sometimes remodel itself and they can be weaned off the LVAD. Burke: It's not likely in Denny's case. His heart is too weak. (Scrub room where Addison is putting back on her wedding ring and engagement ring looking contemplative) (Addison is walking down a hallway. She stops and looks into a picture frame, using the glass as a guide to fix and check her hair. She moves and stands in front of Mrs. Gibson's room. The Gibson's are both cooing over their baby girl) Addison: I just wanted to make sure everybody was doing ok. Mrs. Gibson (staring at her baby girl): Everything's fine. (Mr. Gibson doesn't even look up just cooing over his daughter) Mrs. Gibson: Thank you so much. (Addison smiles but realizes that Mr. Gibson isn't really going to pay attention to her) Mr. Gibson (looks up briefly): Oh yeah right. Thanks. Thank you. (He looks back down at his daughter) (Addison walks back down the hall and shakes her head in annoyance at herself) (Post-op ward where Heath is now lying in a bed after his surgery. His hand is all bandaged and is being held up by wires. Mrs. Mercer is sitting in a chair next to his bedside. Callie is standing on the other side and George is standing a few feet away) Callie: When you put your freshly severed finger into a grungy-bacteria filled glove, you got a severe infection. (Mrs. Mercer just looks teary-eyed) Heath: What? No. The internet didn't say anything about infection. (George has moved up to stand next to Callie) George: Mrs. Mercer we didn't realize how deep the infection had gone until we were in there. There was too much tissue damage. Callie: Heath, the infection was caused by a methicillin resistant staph bacteria and it's continuing to spread. We'll be lucky if we can preserve enough muscle for you to have any hand function at all. Mrs. Mercer: What do you mean? (to George) What does she mean? George: You may never regain complete control of your hand. Heath (slightly panicked): No. That's wrong. You're wrong. Ronnie Lott played for the 49ers when he cut off his finger, he could still play. I got the directions off the internet. I... Mrs. Mercer (interrupts, stroking Heath's head): My poor baby. Heath: Mom, stop. They're lying. They're just trying to scare me. Callie: Heath. I'm sorry. I really am but ... (she shakes her head) you're hockey career is over. (Heath stares at her shocked and upset and turns to his mother) Heath: Mom. (Mrs. Mercer just strokes Heath comfortingly, crying) Mom. They're wrong, right? They have to be wrong. Mrs. Mercer: Oh sweetheart. Heath: I got the directions off the internet! (George and Callie watch on sad) (OR where Derek is operating on Sylvia with his OR team. Meredith is assisting) Meredith: Is there any evidence of vasospasm or bleeding? Derek: No, it looks good. Meredith: So, do you think they'll move to Paris? Derek: I hope so. (Gallery which is filled with people watching, including Cristina, George, Bailey with Will and Addison. Derek glances up and stares at Addison contemplatively) (Scrub room where Derek and Meredith are washing up after the surgery. The OR is pretty much packed up and cleaned) Meredith: That was amazing. Derek: It was, wasn't it? Meredith: Yeah. (Derek moves and to dry his hands) Derek (to himself): Yeah. (He walks back to stand in front of Meredith) Meredith. You know I was kidding this morning. (he smiles) I mean you can tell me about this horrible thing. Come on, you can talk to me. Meredith: As a friend? Derek: As a friend. (Meredith contemplates this, chewing on her lip. She nods a little and turns to Derek) Meredith: There's a line between friends and not-friends and if I tell you this, if I tell you this whole horrible thing then you have to react as my friend. Not my not-friend. (Derek nods slightly) Derek: I can do that. All right. You tell me what's wrong, I'll tell you how to fix it. (He smiles at her) (Meredith closes her eyes in kinda an 'ugh, I can't believe I'm doing this) Meredith: Ok. Are you ready? Derek (smiles): I'm ready. (There's a brief silence and Meredith groans slightly. She turns to face Derek again) Meredith: I slept with George. (Derek loses his smile quick fast) And, and it was a horrible mistake. (Derek looks kinda sickened but tries not to let Meredith notice) And now everything has changed. And I don't know how to repair it. (Derek nods) I don't even know where to start but I just know that I have to and ... (She trails off and looks at Derek who just looks pensive) Say something friendly. (Derek clears his throat) Derek: You tell him that. You find George and you apologize. Meredith: That's what everyone is saying but he won't listen. Derek: Make him listen. You tell him you're sorry. Just tell him again and again and again until he listens. Meredith: How do I do that? Derek (smiles at her): You do what I do. (he grins at her) Use the elevator. (Meredith smiles and Derek leaves looking kinda upset) (Derek is standing by himself in the open hallway looking out the big wall of windows) (George is walking down the hallway with his back-pack dressed to go home. He dashes for an empty elevator that is about to close and makes it in. Meredith runs in just, squeezing in before the door closes. George moves to press the open door button but Meredith presses a button to a floor to stop him) Meredith: You're trapped. ... And you don't have to talk. I'll do the talking. (George just stares up at the ceiling, avoiding eye-contact) George, I am truly very deeply, sorry. And I'm not going to make excuses (George continues staring at the ceiling) I'm just sorry. ... Look, I know you're going to get off this elevator and walk away and not look back, I know that. But George, we're friends. Real friends, and that means no matter how long it takes when you finally do decide to look back I'll still be here. (George still stares at the ceiling. The elevator stops, he gets off of it and leaves and starts walking down the hallway and doesn't look back with Meredith staring after him) MVO: As doctors, as friends, as human beings we all try to do the best we can. (Denny's room after the surgery. Izzie is sitting at his bed-side again looking upset and worried. She takes his hand in hers and strokes it comfortingly) Denny: Hey (Izzie looks up startled that he's awake and sighs) Denny: Don't you have somewhere to be? Izzie: Yeah. (She nods) Yeah I'm there. MVO: But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. (Cristina is opening up the door to her and Burke's apartment) MVO: And just when you've gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you, shifts. (Cristina enters smiling and looking around for Burke. She turns the corner and loses the smile slowly when she notices Burke playing trumpet and George playing the clarinet with him. They're playing 'When the Saints Go Marching In') MVO: And knocks you off your feet. (Cristina just walks into the bedroom closing the door behind her) MVO: If you're lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound. (Derek is walking down a hallway in the hospital. He stops at a doorway and smiles. Sylvia is waking up from her surgery lying in bed with Kyle sitting at her bedside) MVO: Something a band-aid will cover. (Sylvia looks over at Kyle and he smiles at her. He takes both of his hands in hers) (Derek enters his trailer. Addison is sitting in a dressing gown on their bed reading over some papers) Derek: Hi. Addison: Hey. (He removes his jacket and makes his way to their tiny bedroom) MVO: But some wounds are deeper than they first appear and require more than just a quick fix. (Derek smiles briefly and sits on the bed. He moves and lies propped up in front of her. He looks at Addison sighing. Addison finally looks up from her magazine confused) Addison: What? Derek: I was indifferent. You know in New York before Mark. I was just (he shrugs) indifferent towards you. Addison (a little amazed): Yes. Derek: I was absent. Addison: Yes. (He nods) Derek: I'm partly to blame for what's happened to our marriage. Addison: Yeah. Derek: I'm sorry...I'm working on it. (Addison smiles softly at him. Derek nods) Addison (nods): Ok. (Derek sits up and starts removing his shoes while Addison watches him deep in thought) MVO: With some wounds, you have to rip off the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal. (Meredith's house) (Meredith is lying in bed by herself just staring out the window)

Plan: A: surgery; Q: What does Dr. Bailey get called into? A: Cristina; Q: Who is forced to watch baby Tucker? A: Meredith; Q: Who treats a woman with a fork stuck in her neck? A: her; Q: Who does the pregnant woman's husband keep hitting on? A: her problem; Q: What does Meredith confide in Derek about? A: Denny; Q: Who is Izzie warming up to? A: George and Callie; Q: Who further their flirtations over a teenaged patient? A: Burke; Q: Who shows a preference for living with George over Cristina? A: a long-awaited admission; Q: What does Addison get from Derek? Summary: After Dr. Bailey is called into surgery, Cristina is forced to watch baby Tucker for the remainder of the day. Meanwhile, George and Meredith are still on the outs as she confides in Derek with her problem. Meredith treats a woman with a fork stuck in her neck. Izzie continues to warm up to Denny who is having problems breathing. George and Callie further their flirtations over a teenaged patient who decides to chop off his own finger after Callie refuses to do it for him. Addison treats a pregnant woman, whose husband keeps hitting on her. Burke shows a preference for living with George over Cristina, and Addison gets a long-awaited admission from Derek that shows some hope for their marriage after all.

Receptionist: Pam, line three. Pam: Okay, thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: New York, as it turns out, is very expensive, and I ran out of money. I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. Michael [on phone]: Paaam-o-laaaaaa... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey Michael. Michael [on phone]: Paaam-o-laaaaaa... Miss ya kiddo. Miss you... so much. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey. Holly: Hello. Michael: That was really fun last night. Holly: Yeah, it was nice. Michael: I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of putt-putt golf clubs. Holly: Oh, that would be great. You need that. Michael: Yeah? Holly: Yeah. Michael: Oh really? Holly: Yeah. Michael: Well... Holly: It would help. Michael: I, uh... [to camera] I let her win. Holly: [to camera] No, he didn't. Michael: So, when, um, can I see you again? Holly: Um, tonight, I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? [laughs] Michael: No. Holly: I don't care, free tonight. Michael: Okay. Oh, wait, oh, tonight's no good. [Holly's smile quickly fades] Because I am busy taking you out. Holly: [gasps] Oh, I just remembered, I can't tonight. Michael: [concerned] Why? Holly: I'm going out with you. Michael: Wow... Oh, wait a second, I can't tonight... Holly: [shakes head] No more. Michael: Tonight's so... Holly: No more. Michael: Too many times. It's all good, um, alright, so, good, so, have a nice day. Holly: Thank you, you too. Michael: You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have s*x. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having s*x with me I'll know for sure. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: That's for you. And, um, oh. I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for D-Money. 'Cause that's what I wrote on your save-the-date. Dwight: [whispering] You set a date? Andy: J-Money. Or should it be T-Money, for Tuna? Receptionist Money. K-Money. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: [sigh] What are you making? Dwight: A knife. Phyllis: You're making a knife with a knife? Dwight: You got a better way? Phyllis: You want to talk about it? Dwight: About what? Phyllis: You know I know. [looks at the camera guys] You know they know. Dwight: I know none of that. If I did, you'd be the last to know. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Oh, the mall could be fun. Michael: Yeah. Holly: We could go to the food court and get different foods. You could get Chicken Teriyaki. I could get a hot dog. Michael: Some of what we order depends on whether we're having s*x after. [laughs] Oh, my. Wow, elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're going to have s*x tonight? Holly: ...Hell yeah. Michael: Okay, so, we do the restaurant thing and then... then... then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant thing first. Holly: Yeah, that's good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Probably get soup or something light. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Hi. Dwight: She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine. Phyllis: It's nice to learn new things. Dwight: I was talking to myself. Phyllis: Okay. Dwight: I just don't get it. Phyllis: What don't you get? Dwight: Why is she marrying Andy? Phyllis: Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk. Dwight: That's really fattening. Phyllis: No, it's lettuce. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: [playing cards] It's time to go. Michael: No. No. Reservations are at 8:00, so we've got like an hour and 45 minutes. [sighs] [goofy voice] I'm a crazy eight, I'm crazy. Holly: You're crazy, go crazy. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: [walking out of the building] Oh, I forgot my keys. Michael: Do you need 'em? Holly: Yeah, lets go grab them. Michael: All right. Holly: Oh, after vous. [walking into the girls bathroom] Michael: Thank vous. [chuckling] What? Oh! [kissing] Holly: I didn't forget my keys, I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us? Michael: Not if we turn these dials [getting louder] all the way down. [whispering] Now they can't hear us at all. Holly: Oh, good. Michael: We're totally alone. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000. Oscar: Great, they stole my laptop. Kevin: Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector. Oscar: How does that even compare? Kevin: Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, my God, what happened? Jim: We were robbed last night. Dwight: Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen, Motives-financial, or possible, vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that's all we have. Holly: Can I talk to you for a second? Michael: Yeah. Oh... oh! Holly: That wasn't us, right? I mean... you remembered to lock the doors? Michael: No, did you? Holly: Michael I think this is our fault. Michael: Oh, no, my God. Holly: Oh... Michael: Oh my God! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So much for s*x without consequences. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam [on phone]: [Jim holds up phone] You are such a dork! Shots! Jim: So apparently Pam went out last night, and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning. Pam [on phone]: I'm not drunk. Jim: I'm on minute six of this message. Pam [on phone]: Okay, I do not sound like that. Man on phone: You can take the girl out of Philly... Pam [on phone]: Scranton. Jim: The future mother of my children. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I never felt safe here. Andy: You're always safe with me. I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're going to move to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all of this behind. Angela: I would very much like that. Andy: Yeah? Angela: Yeah. Andy: [cockney accent] Consider yourself... at home! Dwight: [Dwight groans] Ugh. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Get in. Phyllis: Where are we going? Dwight: I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so. Phyllis: Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. If she pick you, great. If not, you can move on. Dwight: Are you sure that's going to work? Phyllis: It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much. Dwight: Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight... [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: How's everyone doing? My door is always open if anyone wants to talk. Oscar: I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? [whispering] Creed Bratton. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We're gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it crime-aid. It's like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I think it's a fun idea. Michael: Thank you. Phyllis: We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time. Michael: Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own? Phyllis: Move on, Michael. Michael: Okay. Okay! Well, come on, let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people like in the olden days. Oscar: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Who would ever come to this? Michael: I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan - what? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy there's actually something going on here- Jim: Do you need us for any of this? Michael: Do I? [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets! The boss scored the boss. Michael: Yeah, I think that's pretty boss. Holly: He knows how to get things. He got me. Michael: Whoa! Holly: [giggles] Sorry. Michael: Twice. ... Right? Holly: Mm-hmm. Michael: Mm-hmm. Holly: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Listen to me close. 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say good-bye to this. [points below his belt] Angela: I think you have me confused with another person. Dwight: I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14! Angela: I heard you. [quickly walks away] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays] Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. [music stops] And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. [clears throat] Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays] [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. Our first item up for bids tonight is something that I consider to be very boss indeed. [cheers and applause] It is a Yoga lesson from Holly Flax! Yoga! And I would like to start the bidding off at 300 dollars. [auctioneer voice] 300 dollars do I hear 300 dollars? 300 dollars. Hey, batter batter batter, hey batter, swing batter, 300 dollars, 300 dollars, 300 dollars. Anybody, 300 dollars. 400 dollars. Who wants for 400-[speaking gibberish] Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400-450 [speaking gibberish] Sold! For 300 dollars to me! [bangs gavel, which squeaks] What the hell is that? Phyllis: It's the only gavel I could find. Michael: It squeaks when you bang it, that's what she said. Let's hear it for me! Right? A bargain at any price! Darryl: Hey Mike, do my thing. Michael: Oh, yes, great. Very good, Um, so, Darryl, and the boys in the hood in the warehouse, have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. You know what, I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm going to start the bidding, because this is something that I have dreamt of- Darryl: Mike, you can't do that. It's conflict of interest. Jim: 5 dollars. Darryl: Sold! To Jim. Michael: Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys. Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says "Creed." Creed: Yeah, that's all-inclusive. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: She thought I was McNabb. [laughing] Jim: I can see that. Darryl: Yeah, well, watcha gonna do? Jim: Another round, boys? Great. [Jim walks to the bar] Roy: Halpert? Darryl: What's up, Roy? Jim: Hey man. Roy: I'm not gonna hit you or anything. Jim: Oh, I wouldn't-[clears throat] Roy: You good? Jim: I'm good. How you doing? Roy: I'm good. Jim: Yeah, okay. Roy: Hey Darryl, what's happenin'? Darryl: Oh, what's up, Roy? Roy: Hey, what's up, guys? How you been? [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Hi, I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes. Michael: Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes. He's the tax man. Kevin the tax man. Kevin: Federal and State. Michael: Federal and State. [no one bids] Kevin: Fine. [throws down microphone, knocks down microphone stand] Michael: Okay, alright. Hey, you know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage. [SCENE_BREAK] Hank [the security guard]: [playing blues on a guitar] Me and the blues. It's me and the blues. [Dwight looks at his watch, then at Angela, who looks away from Dwight towards Andy] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We are getting there folks. Slow and steady. [David Wallace walks in] Well, well, have we been blessed today. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wallace! Whoo! David Wallace: Hey. Michael: Hey! David Wallace: Thank you Michael, thanks, thanks everybody. I'd like to auction off a weekend at my place in Martha's Vineyard. Hey, hey! Oscar: 100 dollars. Michael: 100 dollars, great. Bob: 125. Guy in audience: 140. Dwight: Hey Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick. Phyllis: Oh dear. Michael: Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter. Guy in audience: 160. Michael: 160. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I had to get your attention. This is an emergency. [the air is let out of one of Phyllis' tires] Phyllis: Why couldn't have you just said it? Why did you actually do it? Dwight: Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what? Phyllis: Now you move on. Dwight: Okay, fine. I've moved on. Now how do I get her back? Phyllis: Well Dwight, I don't think you do. I think you've got your answer. Dwight: Wait, that's it? That's your advice? I thought you had some kind of big master plan. Phyllis: Well, I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us. Dwight: Oh. I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish. [Phyllis slaps Dwight] And you slap like a girl. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me. [Dwight has an epiphany] [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: What's going on with Pam? Jim: Oh, she's good actually. Roy: Yeah? Jim: She's, um, she's in New York. She's at an art school. Roy: Really? Jim: Yeah, she's doing really well. Roy: Huh. Jim: She's engaged, um... to me. Roy: [laughs] Congrats, man. Jim: Oh, thanks man. Appreciate that. Roy: So Pam's happy? Jim: Yeah, I'd say she's happy. I mean, she loves her classes. Loves the city. I mean, last night, she was out with her friends, till, like, 8:00 AM. Roy: Wow. Jim: What? Roy: I thought you were a friend. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [driving] I am going to see Pam. Because I feel like I should. [sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] Bob: When are you getting to Bruce? Michael: Uh, just a few more items. All: [chanting] Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Michael: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right! Here we go. All right, big ticket item. [cheering] All right, in my pocket, I have... two tickets... to Mr. Bruce Springsteen, front... Oh, where are those? Has anyone seen an envelope with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes? Anybody seen something like-lying around? Stanley: Do you want us to look for 'em? Michael: No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and they're gone forever. So... oh, that was the last good item. So, good job, everybody. Phyllis: I have my hug. Michael: Yeah, well, Phyllis, nobody... really wants a hug, so. Bob: I'll bid on a hug. Michael: She's your wife, you idiot. Bob: 100 dollars. David Wallace: 200. Michael: Uh, what the hell is happening? Andy: 250. Angela: What are you doing? Andy: I need a hug, unless you're gonna give me one. Angela: Not here. Bob: 300. Michael: 300, we have 300. 300 going once. 300 going twice. Dwight: 300 and one penny. Michael: 300 and one penny, 300 and one penny. Bob: 325. Michael: 325, 325. David Wallace: 350. Michael: 350. Dwight: 350 and one penny. Michael: 350 and one penny. Bob: 400. Michael: 400, 400 hey batter batter. Dwight: 400 and one penny. Michael: 400 and one penny. Bob: 500. Michael: 500. Dwight: 500 and one penny. Michael: 500 and one penny. One million dollar! Bob: 700. Michael: 700. Dwight: 700 and one penny. Michael: Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna- Bob: 1,000 Dwight: Eh, it's not worth it. Michael: 1,000 going once, 1,000 going twice. Sold for 1,000 dollar. [applause] Nicely done. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [driving, sighs, laughs] No. you know what? No. Because... I'm not that guy. And [laughs] we are not that couple. [turns around] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [whispering] Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in terms of...whether or not I had them- [Holly covers Michaels mouth] [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But, a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets, really seemed too good to be true. [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: [after accidentally seeing Michael and Holly kiss] No, I did not know that Michael was dating Holly.

Plan: A: Holly; Q: Who does Michael have sex with in the office? A: the main door; Q: What door did Michael and Holly forget to lock? A: an auction; Q: What does Michael hold to raise money for the stolen items? A: Phyllis; Q: Who gives Dwight advice to give Angela an ultimatum? A: Dwight; Q: Who gives Angela an ultimatum to break up with Andy? A: Pam; Q: Who gets a part-time job at corporate? A: art school; Q: What does Pam get a part-time job to pay for? A: Roy; Q: Who insinuates that Jim is losing Pam? Summary: Michael and Holly have sex in the office on a date, they forget to lock the main door which inadvertently leads to the office being robbed. Michael holds an auction to raise money for all the items lost. On Phyllis 's advice, Dwight gives Angela an ultimatum to break up with Andy, which she refuses to do. Pam gets a part-time job at corporate to pay for art school, and Jim is further unsettled after Roy insinuates that he is losing her.

SCENE: Neverland. Present. Mr. Gold conjures a fireball to start a campfire. He freezes his shadow on a large rock and uses his dagger to cut his shadow from his feet. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: You know what to do. Hide it where no one can find it, not even me. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Present. David, Emma, Hook, Mary Margaret and Regina trek through the jungle. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: The ridge is just a few hundred paces up ahead. Emma: You really think we're gonna be able to see Pan's hideout? Hook: From there, we should be able to see everything, including where he's keeping your son. Regina: You know, I could have just poofed us up here in an instant. Hook: Where? Have you any idea what's up here or anywhere? There are dangers all about. Only I can guide us past them. Emma: He's right. Hook's lived here before. If he says hiking up is the best way, then we listen. Mary Margaret: Here. You need to stay hydrated. Emma: Thanks, Mary Margaret. Mary Margaret: You know, "Mary Margaret" is a bit formal. You could call me "mom" if you want. You've done it before. Emma: That was back when... Mary Margaret: ...we were about to die. Oh no, I get it. (The two woman catch up with the rest of the group.) (In the lead, David is cutting down branches blocking their pathway. He sees a patch of thorns and moves to slash them. Hook stops him.) Hook: No. No! David: I can handle a couple of thorns. Hook: That's dreamshade. It's not the thorns you have to worry about. It's the poison they inject you with. This plant is the source of the toxins I used on The Dark One. Emma: The poison that almost killed Gold? Hook: Indeed. I used a concentrated dose. In its natural form, death would be much slower and far more painful. I suggest we go this way. David: We'll go this way. (He goes off as Mary Margaret and Regina follow behind.) Hook: Your father's a distrustful fellow. Emma: He's just not used to working with the bad guys. Hook: I can assure you, on this island, I am not the bad guy. Emma: Yeah, well, Pan's not supposed to be one either. Hook: What possibly gave you that idea? Emma: Every story I ever heard as a child. Hook: Well, they got it all wrong. Pan is the most treacherous villain I've ever faced. Tell me something, love. In these stories what was I like? Other than a villain. Handsome, I gather. Emma: If waxed mustaches and perms are your thing. Hook: I take it by your tone, perms are bad? David: Up here! We made it. Hook: Pan's lair should be just right... Regina: Where? All I see is jungle. Hook: Aye. The Dark Jungle. It's, uh, grown so much since I last stepped foot in Neverland. Regina: So this nature hike was for nothing. David: Hook may have led us astray, but at least we're in a good position to start combing the jungle. Hook: Not exactly. The Dark Jungle's the last place you wanna set foot. We'll have to go around it. In order to do that, we're gonna need our strength. I suggest we make camp. Regina: You wanna sleep while my son is out there suffering? Hook: If we want to live long enough to save the boy. Yes. Mary Margaret: You okay? Emma: Regina's right. Henry's out there somewhere. Mary Margaret: And Hook is right. We have to survive if we're going to get him. Emma: I know. I just hope we're not too late. Mary Margaret: After everything your father and I have been through, there's one thing we've learned. It is never too late. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Prince Charming is riding through the land on a steed. He comes upon the forest, and Snow White resting in death inside a glass coffin, surrounded by the Seven Dwarves. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince Charming: No. No! Open it. (The dwarves remove the coffin lid. Prince Charming kisses Snow White, and a burst of magic erupts.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. A guard rushes through the Dark Palace, carrying a mirror channeling the Magic Mirror. [SCENE_BREAK] Magic Mirror: Careful! If you drop me I'll make sure you have fourteen years of bad luck! Your Majesty? Evil Queen: I told you never to disturb me out here. Magic Mirror: Trust me. I haven't disturbed you yet. Just wait until you see this. Evil Queen: He woke her? Magic Mirror: Indeed. True love's kiss apparently can break any curse. Prince Charming: Will you marry me? Snow White: What do you think? Magic Mirror: That will be one hell of a wedding. There won't be a dry eye in the entire realm. Evil Queen: Quiet! Snow White: Let's take back the kingdom. Evil Queen: We'll see about that. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Snow White, Prince Charming and the dwarves attempt to rally a group of commoners with a speech. [SCENE_BREAK] Snow White: The Evil Queen murdered my father, put me under a Sleeping Curse, but I am not the only one she has made to suffer. Crowd: Yeah. Snow White: She's terrorized us for far too long. Crowd: Yeah! Snow White: This kingdom doesn't belong to her. It belongs to us! Crowd: Yeah! Snow White: So who is ready to stand beside me and fight for what's rightfully ours?! (No one responds. The Evil Queen materializes behind the crowd.) Evil Queen: Quite the courageous army you're building. (The townspeople flee in fright while Snow White and her entourage do not move.) Snow White: They may be afraid of you, but we are not. Evil Queen: Why? Because you and the shepherd broke my sleeping curse? (Snow White and Prince Charming draw their swords at her. The Evil Queen magically binds Prince Charming with a rope.) Evil Queen: Lucky for you, I didn't come here to fight. I came to offer you a deal. Consider it an engagement present. Prince Charming: Snow, don't listen to a single word! Evil Queen: Are you really gonna marry that? Snow White: What do you want? Evil Queen: I want you to give up your claim to the throne. If you declare me the rightful ruler of this land, I'll let you, the dwarves, and your so-called prince escape back to the sheep farm he once called home. Snow White: Exile? Evil Queen: Well, I've tried to kill you. I've tried to curse you, and none of its worked. But then I realized I was going about it all wrong. You need to be alive. You need to be awake. So you can spend all your days knowing that I have taken everything that was supposed to be yours. Now get down on your knees and swear on your father's grave that this kingdom belongs to me. Snow White: And if I don't? Evil Queen: Well, then someone will pay the price. (Uses her magic to lift up one of the female villagers; choking her) Snow White: Stop! (With sword in hand, she charges at the Evil Queen, who disappears in a cloud of smoke at the last moment, dropping the village girl.) (Prince Charming breaks out of his binds, aiding the villager.) Snow White: Is she okay? Prince Charming: Yeah. Evil Queen: Next time she won't be. You have until sundown tomorrow to give up the throne. And for every day that you defy me, I will kill one of your loyal subjects. Stop denying who you are, Snow White. You may have been a princess, but you will never be a queen. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Present. The sound of crying children wakes Emma from her slumber. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: (To Mary Margaret and David.) Guys, wake up! (They do not stir, so she treks into the jungle alone, following the sound. Pan appears behind her.) Pan: You hear that, too? You're Emma, right? I wonder why I can't hear the crying. Emma: Who are you? Pan: Oh, did I forget to introduce myself? I'm Peter. Peter Pan. (Emma pins Pan against a tree, holding her sword at his throat.) Emma: Where's Henry? Pan: You've got fire. I like fire. Emma: Where's my son? Pan: Henry's still alive, if that's what you're worried about. Emma: Why the hell did you take him? Pan: He's a very special boy, Emma. Emma: I know. That doesn't answer my question. What do you want with him? Pan: I came here to see who I was up against "the savior". Gotta say, I'm not disappointed. Emma: What do you say now? You're gonna tell me how I'm never gonna see Henry again? Pan: No. I'm going to help you find him. I'll give you a map. A map that will lead you straight to your son. Emma: If this is some kind of trap... Pan: I may not be the most well-behaved boy on the island, but I always keep my promises. The path to finding Henry is on this parchment. Emma: Why are you giving it to me? Pan: See, it's not about finding Henry. It's about how you find him. And, Emma you are the only one who can. Emma: (Opens the parchment to reveal a blank map) It's blank. Pan: You'll only be able to read that map when you stop denying who you really are. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Present. At their camp, Emma, Hook and Regina are talking. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: He so likes his games. Regina: What game? There's nothing there. Hook: If he said there's a map on this parchment, then there is. Emma: Great. So if I just stop denying who I really am, whatever that means, then we'll be able to read this thing. Regina: But how do we know Pan won't use it to lead us straight into a trap? Hook: Because he doesn't need to. This whole island's his bloody trap. (David and Mary Margaret come back from searching the jungle.) David: There's no sign of him anywhere. Mary Margaret: Any luck with the map? Regina: Don't hold your breath. Emma: What's that supposed to mean? Regina: Don't you see what he's doing? Every second we spend talking about this is another second we're not looking for my son. Emma: You got a better idea? Regina: Magic. If there's a lock on there, I'll find a way around it. Emma: Pan said it had to be me. Hook: I'd listen to Emma, love. Breaking Pan's rules would be unwise. David: Sadly, I agree with the pirate. Hook: I'm winning you over. I can feel it. Mary Margaret: And your magic doesn't exactly have a gentle touch, Regina. David: Use it on the map, it might blow up in all our faces. Regina: Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take. Emma: Well, I'm not. If I'm the one who's supposed to figure out this thing, I need to do what Pan said. Regina: Great. Mary Margaret: She'll get there. Hey. Don't give up. He's playing a game. You can win. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Snow White, Prince Charming and the dwarves discuss their options. [SCENE_BREAK] Snow White: We can't win. We have to leave the kingdom. Prince Charming: How can you even consider giving in to that witch? When you're gone, do you think she's suddenly gonna stop menacing this land? And who will protect the people then? Snow White: Did I protect them today? I couldn't even help that poor girl. And don't kid yourself. She isn't gonna stop with the peasants. She's going to come after the people who are closest to me. Grumpy: We will stand by your side no matter what. Happy: Even if it means our death. Sleepy: Which it probably will. (Everyone looks at him in bewilderment.) Prince Charming: You can't let her get into your head. Snow White: She has a point. I'm no queen. I'm no leader. I'm just a girl who lost her parents, ran away into the woods, and became a bandit. Prince Charming: You're Snow White. Snow White: Yes. And the truth is, I don't even know who that is. But I know what I don't wanna be, and that's alone. Prince Charming: That's never gonna happen. Snow White: You're right. If we take her offer, we can all live together in exile, but at least we'll be alive. We should leave tomorrow. (She gets up to walk away.) Prince Charming: Snow! Grumpy: Let her go. Prince Charming: This is her kingdom. We can't just let her walk away from it. Grumpy: Why do you suddenly care so much about saving Snow's kingdom? Prince Charming: What do you mean? Grumpy: Well, if you have true love, what difference does it make whether you live in a castle or on a farm? Prince Charming: Wait. You think I'm in this for her crown? Grumpy: You said it, not me. Prince Charming: Okay. Okay, I get it. I'm new. But trust me. I want what's best for Snow. Grumpy: Look, handsome, she may love you, but that chiseled chin ain't foolin' us. We got our eyes on you. Prince Charming: Are you dwarves with me or against me? Sneezy: I think Grumpy was pretty clear. Grumpy: Sorry brother. Snow's already made up her mind, so if you're looking to change it, you gotta do it without our help. Prince Charming: Then I'll find another way. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. The Dark Castle. Rumplestiltskin spins at his spinning wheel when Prince Charming arrives. [SCENE_BREAK] Rumplestiltskin: You again? Didn't I just help you wake your princess? Prince Charming: Now I need your help once more. Long ago you made Snow remember who she was when a spell blinded her. I need you to do it again. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Present. Mr. Gold gazes at the doll given him by Felix when there is rustling in the jungle. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: (Puts down the doll and gets up to investigate) Who's there? Show yourself. (A cloaked figure grabs the doll and flees.) Mr. Gold: That doesn't belong to you, dearie. (He chases the culprit, catching him and removing his hood. To his surprise, it's Belle.) Mr. Gold: Belle? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Present. Mr. Gold and Belle are talking. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: Belle. I don't understand. How did you get here? Belle: I thought you didn't dress like that anymore. I thought that was your past. Mr. Gold: Well, this is now my future. Becoming this again, The Dark One, that's the only way I'll save my grandson. Belle: But you haven't completely become him, have you? There's still hope. (She leans in to kiss him, but Mr. Gold breaks it off suddenly.) Mr. Gold: You're not really here, are you? Belle: No, of course not. I'm still in Storybrooke, right where you left me. Mr. Gold: Are you okay? Did the protection spell work? Belle: It-it did. We're all fine. Storybrooke's safe. We all are. Mr. Gold: How do I know these aren't just lies meant to lead me astray? How do I know Pan didn't conjure up a vision of you? Belle: He didn't. You did. Mr. Gold: What? Belle: The question is why. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. The Dark Castle. Rumplestiltskin and Prince Charming are in the midst of a conversation. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince Charming: You must have something that can change Snow's mind. Rumplestiltskin: If she doesn't wanna fight the Queen, there's nothing I can do to change that. Prince Charming: I just need a way to make her believe in something that I already know. That she can face Regina and win. Rumplestiltskin: Magic can't make someone believe, dearie. It works the other way around. Belief must come from within. You know, the Queen's offer was a fair one. Do yourself a favor and take it. Ruling a kingdom ain't all it's cracked up to be. Just ask your dear old brother. Oh, wait. He died. You see my point. (Giggles) Prince Charming: No. I didn't come here to take "no" for an answer. Now you must have something. You always do. Just name your price. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Snow White practices her archery as Prince Charming returns. She fails to hit the target. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince Charming: Save those arrows for the Queen. Snow White: I told you. I've already made up my mind. We're leaving. Prince Charming: Not when you hear what Rumplestiltskin had to say. Snow White: You more than anyone know that his deals always come with a price. Prince Charming: And sometimes that price is worth paying. Without his help, you'd still be in that glass coffin. Snow White: What did he say this time? Prince Charming: He told me of a legend, a magical weapon, one that can help you reclaim your kingdom. Snow White: Unless he can guarantee more lives won't be lost, I'm not interested. Prince Charming: Weapon's only a half day's ride from here. We can be there before sundown. Snow White: This weapon, you say it will help me defeat Regina. How? Prince Charming: By showing her who you really are. (Snow White lets her arrow fly, and it hits the center of the target.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Present. Emma is holding the map and trying to "stop denying who she really is". [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: My name is Emma Swan. Hook: I'd wager the solution to Pan's riddle is a bit more complicated than that. Mary Margaret: Don't hold anything back. Emma: I'm Henry's mother. I used to live in Boston, and I was a bailbondsperson. I'm now the sheriff of Storybrooke. Regina: That election was a sham. Are we really doing this? Mary Margaret: Don't you think maybe you're leaving some things out? Emma: I'm the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming, which apparently makes me the product of true love. I was born in the Enchanted Forest and I was sent through a portal in a tree so that I could break a curse. David: And you were able to break the curse because you're the... Mary Margaret: Come on. You don't need to be embarrassed to say it. Hook: Say what? Regina: The "s" word. Emma: I'm the savior. (The parchment is still blank.) I don't get it. I said I'm the savior. There's nothing I've denied more than that. Mary Margaret: No, it's okay. We'll figure it out. Regina: No, you won't. (Grabs the parchment.) Emma: Regina! Regina: But I can. I'm beginning to think there isn't a map on here. That doesn't mean it can't lead us to Henry. David: I thought we decided that using magic was a bad idea. Hook: For once I agree with the prince. (David looks at him.) Well, I told you we're getting along. (Regina uses magic on the map.) Emma: What the hell are you doing? Regina: The locator spell. This parchment belonged to Pan. It'll lead us to him. Hook: So it appears we will be venturing into the Dark Jungle after all. Emma: You mean the place you told us never to set foot? Hook: That's the one. Regina: Well, Emma, you said you wanted to be the leader. Lead. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Present. Mr. Gold and Belle walk to the cliff. [SCENE_BREAK] Belle: So do you know why you brought me to the island? Mr. Gold: I thought you were gonna show me the answer. Belle: Only you know that. Mr. Gold: I've already told you. Belle: No, you haven't. Mr. Gold: I have no idea. Belle: Yes, you do. Mr. Gold: No. Belle: You're holding back. Mr. Gold: I'm not. Belle: You are. Mr. Gold: Belle. Belle: What is it you're not saying? Mr. Gold: I'm a coward. I'm just like my father. Belle: You feel better now, don't you? You know why I'm here. Mr. Gold: You always saw the good in me. Belle: I still do. And as much as you deny it, I think you see it too. So why am I here? What are you wrestling with? Mr. Gold: Pan offered me a deal. I let him keep, and he allows me to live. The boy needn't be my undoing. Belle: And you're afraid you'll make a selfish choice. Mr. Gold: I generally do. Belle: You abandoned your son, Baelfire, and regretted it your whole life. You don't need to do the same to Henry. Letting go of the past... it's the first step. Mr. Gold: You know, this was the last thing my father gave me. Belle: And what happened to him? Mr. Gold: He left me. Belle: If you don't want to repeat the mistakes he made, you need to let go. (Belle departs from the cliff; leaving Mr. Gold with the ragdoll. He makes the decision to drop the doll off the cliff.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Present. Emma, David, Hook, Mary Margaret and Regina trek through the Dark Jungle, following the map. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: Ready to thank me? Emma: Actually, yeah. Regina: If you'd let me do it sooner, maybe we'd have found him by now. Wait. He's there. Pan. I can feel his smugness. (David pulls out his sword.) David: Shall we? While we still have the element of surprise on our side? Hook: Careful. He may look like a boy, but he's a bloody demon. Mary Margaret: Hey. We can do this. You can do this. We're nearly there. (Whinnies) We should take the rest of the way on foot. You realize, this is the first time we've been alone since you proposed? Well, privacy is a hard thing to come by when you have seven big brothers keeping an eye on you. They're protective. (Chuckles) That's one word for it. Have the dwarfs been giving you a hard time? Apart from accusing me of being a gold-digging, social-climbing shepherd... Nah. I have faith that you'll charm them, just as you charmed me... Eventually. (Chuckles) According to Rumplestiltskin, the weapon that will defeat Regina lies at the top of this hill. This weapon, what does Rumple say of its power? Was it made with dark magic? No, it was forged by a benevolent mage. His name is Merlin, from a realm named Camelot. Here it is. Excalibur. It's beautiful. (Exhales) (Laughs) (Grunts) It's stuck. You wanna try? If you couldn't do it, you really think I can? Well, the legend states only the kingdom's true ruler possesses the strength to free the blade. I've never ruled anything. Not yet. (Whispers) Go on. (Blade scrapes) (Gasps) You see? You are this kingdom's true leader. (Various animals making noises) (Mary Margaret) No one's here. Maybe your spell was wrong, Regina. Yes. Blame me... again. Guys... Hold on. (Emma) Is that... Henry! Hi, Emma. Where the hell is Henry? You broke the rules. That's not fair. Bad form. I expect more from you, captain. Aye, and you'll get it. Give Henry to me. Sorry. Can't. Don't you know? Cheaters never win. (Boys shouting and whooping) Watch out for their arrows. They're laced with dreamshade. (Arrows whoosh and ricochet) Mary Margaret! Ohh! (Slices) Aah! David! I'm good. Behind you! (Grunting) (Boy) Aah! (Whoosh) (Boys grunt) It's been a while, captain. Not long enough. (Blade scrapes) (Blades clank) You remember what I did to Rufio? (Growls) Well, it's a far worse fate for you. Uhh! Aah! (Clank) (Grunting) Uhh! Where's Henry?! Where is he?! Emma, are you all right? (Boys grunting in distance) (Pan whistles) Remember what I told you. That map will show you where Henry is... only when you stop denying who you really are. I'll make sure to send Henry your regards. (Boys whooping) She's coming! The Queen! (Dog barking) (Whinnies) Ready? What exactly were you two up to today? You'll see. I hope. (Carriage door opens) Well, dear, have you packed your bags? I thought about your offer. And everything you said was true. I could go off with Charming and the dwarfs, and we could find some lovely corner of the world to live out our days, and it would be a wonderful life. But I can't leave my people, not... with... you. Well, in that case... (Gasping and choking) (Grunts and cries) (Zaps) (Grunting) Charming! You can do this. You. You pulled that sword out of the stone. (Grumpy continues gasping) Let him go! (Whoosh) (Blade whooshes) Aah! Uhh! Uhh! Oh! (Coughing) (Gasps) You told me to stop denying who I really am. Well, that's exactly what I'm doing. This is my kingdom, and I will fight for it! (Panting) Then I'll see you on the battlefield. We'll be ready. (Whoosh) (Laughing and cheering) You okay? You sure you don't want me to take a look at that? I was lucky. My jacket wasn't. Don't worry about it. I think we have bigger issues. Don't let him shake your confidence. We've all had moments where we felt we couldn't prevail. She's right. Guys, not now. Please. Emma, wait. Please talk to me. There's nothing to talk about. We had our chance and we lost... I lost. Then you have to keep fighting. You heard what Hook said. Pan is a demon. And you are a... What? A savior? Because if that were true, this map would've shown us the way already. Maybe who you think you are isn't who you really are. What do you mean? Sometimes we think we know ourselves, but we need a push to show us the reality. That boy with the knife... you stopped fighting him. Why? 'Cause he was... just a boy. No. There was something else. I saw it in your eyes. Why did you stop? (Whispers) Why? Because when I looked at his face, I saw me. Go on. That look in his eyes... (Inhales sharply) The despair. I had it back when I was in the foster system. Just a lost little girl who didn't matter and didn't think she ever would. A little girl who cried herself to sleep at night 'cause... (Voice breaks) she wanted her parents so bad. And could never understand... why they gave her up. And then you found us. It was too late. It's just, on this island... I... I don't feel like... (Sniffles) a hero or a savior. I just feel like what I've always been. An orphan. Emma. What? (Whispers) Look. (Gasps) What happened? You accepted who you are. (Exhales sharply) I'm sorry. It's okay. It's the truth. (Exhales deeply) You were an orphan. (Sniffles) It's my job to change that. Rumplestiltskin. Rumplestiltskin. What do you want? We need to discuss the deal you made with Charming. Have to be a bit more specific, dearie. He came to you searching for something powerful enough to vanquish the Queen. You told him of Excalibur. Now whatever it is that he promised you in return, I am prepared to pay it. But I won't allow him to remain in your debt. How nauseatingly romantic. What did he promise you? With you, everything comes with a cost. It's true. Your prince came to ask for aid fighting the Queen. I told him I had nothing to give, and I didn't. Then how did you know where to find Excalibur? Everyone knows it's in Camelot. But it's not. I possess it now. If that were Excalibur, I wouldn't be able to do... this! (Tinkling) Sword's a fake, dearie. Shoddy craftsmanship, too. But then again, what can you expect from a shepherd? Lucky it wasn't made out of wool. I struck Regina! I drew blood! Enough of your ramblings! (Chain snaps) (Gasps) No. Please. That belonged to my mother. And now it belongs to me. You're right about one thing, dearie. Everything comes with a cost, including wasting my time. (Birds chirping) (Footsteps approach) (Grumpy) Mind if we join you? Please. We may owe you a slight apology. Slight? Don't get greedy. Take it. Okay. We should never have doubted your intentions. (Sighs) (Pours liquid) You were only looking out for her best interests. Here's to starting over. (Glasses clink) We need to talk. I saw Rumplestiltskin. Snow, I can explain. So it's true. You planted the sword in that stone. I did. So you took me on an adventure to find a magical sword because... You needed to believe in something I already knew. So when I stood up to Regina... You did that on your own. You had it inside you the entire time. You just... needed some help to realize that. But you didn't. (Exhales) The map is working. We know where Henry is. Where? Uh... we're here at the Southern tip of the isle, in the middle of the Dark Jungle, and Pan's camp lies due north. That's where he's keeping Henry. What are we waiting for? Well, the terrain's not easy. There will undoubtedly be some nasty impediments along the way. We should prepare. We only made it out of our last encounter because Pan let us. We need a new plan. Agreed. It's time we stop playing his game and he starts playing ours. And if I disagree? Go ahead, but I think you know our best chance is together. You better be right. Excellent show of patience, luv. And that's what defeats a nasty little boy. (Cork pops) I hope so. Is rum your solution to everything? It certainly doesn't hurt. (Rum sloshes) Mmm. Hmm? So just how did you unlock the map? I did what Pan asked. And just who are you, Swan? Wouldn't you like to know? Perhaps I would. (Breeze blowing) (Twig snaps) (Rustling) (Bird calling in distance) (Rustling continues) (Clank in distance) (Thud) (Doll thuds) (Flames whoosh and crackle) (Whoosh) Don't eat the blue ones. Congratulations. You did it... orphan. You don't mind if I call you a lost girl, do you? Call me what you like. It won't stop me from finding Henry. (Chuckles) Oh, I'm counting on that. There's a reason I tested you. Really? You haven't forgiven your parents for abandoning you. Don't deny it. You haven't. That's good. Really good. 'Cause when you find Henry, you'll understand him. What's that supposed to mean? He hasn't forgiven you either. By the time you get to him, he'll never want to leave this island. We'll see. And as for you, Emma... when we're finished, you won't just feel like an orphan. You'll be one. (Grunts) (Groans)

Plan: A: Neverland; Q: Where are Emma, Mary Margaret, David, Regina and Hook searching for Henry? A: Peter Pan; Q: Who offers Emma a map? A: a startled Emma; Q: Who does Peter Pan appear before? A: grips; Q: What does Emma need to come to with her true feelings? A: Mr. Gold; Q: Who receives some unexpected advice from a friend? A: his life's journey; Q: What does Mr. Gold receive advice about? A: the Fairy Tale Land; Q: Where does the Evil Queen present Snow White with an offer? A: the Evil Queen; Q: Who presents Snow White with an offer to live her life with Charming in peace? Summary: While Emma, Mary Margaret, David, Regina and Hook continue their search for Henry in Neverland, Peter Pan appears before a startled Emma and offers her a map that will reveal her son's whereabouts. But the only way to make the map appear is for Emma to stop denying who she really is and come to grips with her true feelings about her identity - and Mr. Gold receives some unexpected advice from a friend that could lead him to understand his life's journey while in Neverland. Meanwhile, in the Fairy Tale Land that was, when the Evil Queen presents Snow White with an offer to live her life with Charming in peace - with the caveat that she give up her claim to the throne - Charming makes it his mission to ensure that Snow doesn't take the offer.

Scene: The paintball range. Howard: That was close. Raj: God, I love the smell of paintballs in the morning. Howard: Yeah, still funny, Raj. Leonard: There's no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off. Howard: But what about the creek bed? Sheldon: The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they're all hopped up on experimental steroids. Raj: Well, that's it then, we're doomed. Sheldon: I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting. Howard: I told you my mom has spider veins, I had to take her to the laser clinic. Sheldon: And I told you I wanted to see a doctor's note. Raj: We need a plan. How about Operation Hammer of the Gods? Leonard: I forget. Which one is Hammer of the Gods? Raj: We hide behind the Dumpsters in the parking lot and ambush people when they come to pee. Howard: No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory. Leonard: No, that shouldn't be a problem, Venus is up during the day. They're probably just all staring at the sky. Sheldon: All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth's Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us. Howard: Why don't I run away and you cover me? Sheldon: Because you chose your mother's veins over victory. On three. One, two, three, go! Howard: I had to take her! It's almost bathing suit weather!(Another player bursts through the door) I surrender! Don't shoot! They went that way! Leslie: Howard, I'm on your team. Howard: Oh, Leslie, thank God. Leslie: Where's the rest of your squad? Howard: Ah, they left me here to die. What about yours? Leslie: Dead, all of them. Howard: Sorry. Leslie: Don't be. It was friendly fire. They just wouldn't listen. Howard: Well, we're surrounded, so I guess there's nothing for us to do but wait to be captured or killed. Leslie: Hmm, that's the worst part, the waiting. Howard: All the while knowing that there's a paint pellet out there with your name on it. Leslie: Yeah, the big wet ball of death. Kind of makes you feel more alive, doesn't it? Howard: It kind of does. Leslie: I say we make every moment count. Howard: I agree. How exactly do we do that? (Leslie kisses him) Leonard (voice): Howard, why aren't you covering us? We're getting slaughtered out here! Howard: War is hell. Credits sequence. Scene: The university cafeteria. Raj: Did you guys see the new budget memo that went out this morning? Leonard: Yeah, more cutbacks. Sheldon: Unacceptable. It baffles me why they don't simply let some of you go so that there's money available for my research. Leonard: You know what baffles me, Sheldon? Sheldon: Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine. Leslie: Hey, guys. Leonard: Hey, Leslie. Howard: Hey. Leslie: Howard, I got the approval for the rapid prototyper you wanted. Howard: That's great, Leslie. Thanks. Leslie: You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Rawr. Raj: What was all that about? Howard: Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money. Leonard: Yeah, okay, but what's with the back-scratching and the meow! Sheldon: I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action. Leonard: Thank you. Sheldon: The mrow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat. Leonard: Are you done? Sheldon: No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat is not a true cat. Now I'm done. Raj: You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking Howard wasn't making a back-scratching metaphor. I'm thinking there was some actual scratching involved. Leonard: What about it, Howard? Howard: Okay, I didn't want to say anything 'cause I know you and Leslie have a little history. Leonard: I don't care about that. Howard: Great, 'cause I've been dying to say something. Leonard: You and Leslie? Howard: In the paintball shed! Twice! Sheldon: Is that why you didn't cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals? Howard: Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Sheldon: My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court-martial offense. Howard: Court-martial, schmort-martial, Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I've ever had s*x with. I mean, for free. Raj: And plus, you got a rapid prototyper. That's an expensive piece of equipment, dude. Leonard: And the rest of us have had our budgets cut to the bone. Howard: Okay, one way to look at this is that I'm getting new equipment, and you're not, and that's unfair. But a better way to look at this is that I'm getting s*x and you're not, and that's delightful. Scene: The apartment. Leonard is looking at Penny's laptop. Penny: The whole thing froze. I don't know what happened. Leonard: Calm down. We'll figure it out. Penny: How can I calm down? I'm gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That's three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell. Sheldon: Hello, Penny. Penny: Hello, Sheldon. Sheldon: You're in my spot. Penny: Are you planning on sitting here? Sheldon: No, I'm going to the comic book store. Penny: Then what difference does it make? Sheldon: What difference does it make? Leonard: Here we go. Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be zero-zero-zero-zero. Penny: What? Leonard: Don't sit in his spot. Penny: Fine. (Moves) Happy? Sheldon: I'm not unhappy. Penny: Boy, I love him, but he is one serious wackadoodle. Leonard: Okay, that should do it. Penny: Oh, thank you. You are a lifesaver. Leonard: That's a lot of shoes you ordered. Penny: Yeah, you know the sad thing is, it's really not. Ooh, is this one of those paintball guns? Leonard: Yeah. You ought to come out with us sometime. Penny: Oh, no, thanks. I'm from Nebraska. When we shoot things, it's because we want to eat them or make them leave our boyfriends alone. (Gun goes off and shoots three paint pellets onto Sheldon's spot.) Scene: Howard's bedroom. Leslie: Boy, your heart's racing. I must've really gotten you going. Howard: Well, it's partly you, partly my transient idiopathic arrhythmia. Leslie: Sexy. Howard: Can I assume that you likewise found the experience... Leslie: Satisfactory? Howard: That wasn't quite the word I was looking for, but sure, I'll do this pass-fail. Leslie: Hey, are you enjoying that prototyper I got you? Howard: Oh, it's great. Everybody in the Engineering Department is eating their hearts out. Leslie: Isn't it nice when your good fortune makes others miserable? Howard: You know, most people don't get that. Howard's Mother (voice): Howard, I'm home! Howard: Oh, great. Howard's Mother (voice): Book club was cancelled! That thing on Phyllis's neck opened up again! Howard: I'm busy, Ma! Howard's Mother (voice): Too busy to help your mother with her zipper? Howard: Don't come in, Ma! Howard's Mother (voice): Why not? Leslie: He's got company! Howard: Oh, there's the arrhythmia. Howard's Mother (voice): Is she Jewish? Howard: Are you Jewish? Leslie: No. Howard: Yes! Howard's Mother (voice): Okay, then you kids have fun! Use protection! Scene: The apartment. Leonard is trying to wash the paint off Sheldon's seat. Penny: You think he'll notice? Leonard: There's a chance. Penny: Oh, what are we gonna do? Leonard: We? No, no, no, you had your chance to be we for, like, a year and a half now. Right now, you are you, and you are screwed. Penny: Why do we have to tell him I did it? Leonard: Well, we're not gonna tell him I did it. Penny: Okay, okay, how about this? We tell him somebody broke in. Leonard: Just to shoot the couch with a paintball gun? Penny: I'm sorry, I buy it. All those people are on drugs. Leonard: We could tell him they wanted the couch to stay away from their boyfriend. Penny: Okay, fine. Well, what if we just flip it over? There. Looks fine, right? Leonard: Mm, butt print. There's no discernible butt print. Penny: Oh, come on. (Sits and wriggles around) There, butt print. Leonard: It's too small and too perfect. Penny: Thank you. Leonard: You're welcome. Penny (as Sheldon enters): Shh! Act normal. Leonard: Sheldon! How was the comic book store? Sheldon: Fine. The new issue of Flash is out. Leonard: Great, great. Did you walk the whole way? It's a little chilly. Sheldon: Koothrappali picked me up. Leonard: Isn't that terrific? He is such a good friend. You know what the best thing about friends is? Sheldon: They don't talk incessantly for no particular reason. Leonard: No, no, friends forgive the little things. Penny: You know, I gotta go home and wash my hair. Leonard: Don't you dare, missy. Sheldon: Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something's wrong. Leonard: What do you mean? Sheldon: I'm not sure. It doesn't feel right. Leonard: I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, that. Penny did that. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The same. Everyone is eating. Sheldon is perched on the back of Leonard's chair. He keeps making moaning noises. Saying "Excuse me" he tries moving back to his spot, but the cushion is not there. He tries perching on the arm in various positions. Leonard: Why don't you just eat in your desk chair? Sheldon: Why don't I just eat in my desk chair? Penny: Here we go. Sheldon: That is my desk chair, that is where I work. I don't eat in my desk chair and I don't work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot. Leonard: Wackadoodle. Howard: You know, there's kind of an obvious solution here. (To Raj) Get up. (Raj does. Howard moves his cushion across to Sheldon's spot) There. Problem solved. (Raj whispers to him) Nobody cares where you're going to sit. You're not crazy. Sheldon: Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog's head in its place, would that be "problem solved"? Leonard: If it were your head, it would be. Penny: Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it's only for a week. Can't you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry. I didn't really think that through. Sheldon: You claim it's going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner. Penny: Why not? Sheldon: Did you notice the sign on his counter? He's not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys. Leonard: Oh, for God's sake, Sheldon. Sheldon: Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? "Thanks for discovering penicillin, now how about we try a bouffant?" Howard (after his phone rings): Ooh, looks like I'm gonna have s*x tonight. Hey, baby... Penny: His right hand is calling him? Leonard: No, it's Leslie Winkle. It's a long story. Howard: I'll pick you up in ten minutes. Gentlemen, adieu. Leonard: I thought we were going to play Halo tonight. Howard: What am I supposed to do, Leonard? There's a woman out there anxious to have s*x with me. You understand, right? Penny: No. Not at all. Howard: Nevertheless, I must depart. By the way, did I tell you? Leslie pulled some strings and got me on the research trip to Geneva to check out the CERN Supercollider. Leonard: That's not fair. You're not even a physicist. Howard: Okay, there are two ways of looking at this... Leonard: Get out. Howard: Bye. Scene: Howard's bedroom. Leslie: You're improving. Howard: Thank you. It helps when I get to practice with a real woman. Leslie: Hey, listen. Saturday my sister's getting married. I.. I want you to come with me. It's black tie. Howard: Yeah, gee, I'd really rather not. Leslie: Why not? Howard: When I go to weddings, it's to scam on chunky bridesmaids. I don't know what I would do with a date. Leslie: Oh, all right. I understand. Howard: Thanks. Leslie: Hey, I'm really sorry about that Geneva trip. Howard: What about it? Leslie: Oh, didn't you hear? I had to reduce the number of people going, and you didn't make the cut. Howard: When did that happen? Leslie: About 12 seconds ago. Howard: Well, hold on. Are you saying if I don't go to the wedding, I can't go to Geneva? Leslie: Actually, I'm trying not to say it. Howard: Okay, I'm sorry, but that makes me a little uncomfortable. Leslie: How so? Howard: Because it's like you're controlling me with new equipment and research trips. Leslie: Well, if I weren't controlling you with new equipment and research trips, then I'd be uncomfortable. Howard: How so? Leslie: 'Cause then we'd be in, like, a real relationship with feelings and all that crap. Howard: So, bottom line, I'm just a bought-and-paid-for s*x toy. Leslie: No. No, not at all. You're also arm candy. So? What do you think? Howard: Hey, Ma, you got to rent me a tux! Howard's Mother (voice): Right now? What kind of s*x are you having up there? Scene: The apartment Leonard: Why are you crouching there? Sheldon: This is my spot. Where else am I supposed to crouch? Leonard: I don't know. Texas? Penny (arriving with cushion): Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners, good as new. Leonard: Really? Great. Sheldon, look. Good as new. Sheldon: From that key maker, I highly doubt it. Penny: Come on, Sheldon. Just give it a try. Sheldon: All right. Penny: There, nice and comfy cosy. Zero, zero, zero. Sheldon: There's one more zero. You forgot the time parameter. Penny: Sit on the damn couch. Sheldon: Nope. Penny: What do you mean, nope? What's wrong with it? Leonard: Nothing, it's what's wrong with him. Penny: It's exactly the same... Leonard: Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news. Sheldon: More? Leonard: I'm afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you Monday nights? Sheldon: Yes. From Szechuan Palace. Leonard: Szechuan Palace closed two years ago. Sheldon: What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from? Leonard: Golden Dragon. Sheldon: No. No, this isn't right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers. Leonard: Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car. Sheldon: But. Oh, this changes everything. Leonard: I thought that might take his mind off the cushion. Sheldon: What's real? What isn't? How can I know? Penny: You did make that up, right? Leonard: Oh, God, I wish I had. Sheldon: Leonard? Leonard: Yeah, buddy? Sheldon: I still don't like this cushion. Scene: The paint ball range. Leonard: Okay, first of all, Penny, thank you for coming. Penny: Thanks for the shoes. Leonard: Penny is an amazing shot. I think we have a real chance to win this week. Howard: What's the plan? Leonard: Okay. Now, we all run out. Sheldon and I will cut to the left behind these trees. Raj, Howard and Leslie flank to the right behind the rocks. Then we'll all have a great view as Penny runs out and kills everyone else in sight. Sheldon: Right, just one thing before we start. Leonard: What is it, Sheldon? (Sheldon shoots Penny) Penny: What the hell? Sheldon: That was for my cushion. Leonard: Sheldon, Penny was our only hope. Sheldon: I'm sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold. Penny: Screw that. (Shoots Sheldon) Sheldon: She can't shoot me. She's dead. Leonard: He's right. You can't. (Shoots Sheldon) Sheldon: Well, if we're going to descend into anarchy (Shoots Leonard) Howard: Okay, see you. Leonard: Where are you going? Leslie: Surrender, then Denny's.

Plan: A: a paintball match; Q: What event occurs at the beginning of the episode? A: Penny; Q: Who accidentally shoots several green paintballs at Sheldon's couch cushion? A: team-kills Penny; Q: What does Sheldon do to Penny in the next paintball game? A: a relationship; Q: What do Leslie and Howard have? A: sex; Q: What do Leslie and Howard do twice? A: his work; Q: What does Leslie secure funds for? A: Geneva; Q: Where is the CERN Large Hadron Collider project located? A: the invitation; Q: What does Leslie threaten to withdraw? A: a "sex toy/arm candy; Q: What does Howard accept his role as? Summary: After a paintball match, Penny accidentally shoots several green paintballs at Sheldon's couch cushion, and she and Leonard try hard to fix it. Sheldon, still upset and dissatisfied with his eventually dry-cleaned cushion, team-kills Penny in the next paintball game, causing the others to surrender. Meanwhile, Leslie and Howard begin a relationship after having sex (twice) during the match. Leslie secures funds for his work and even invites him to a trip to the CERN Large Hadron Collider project in Geneva, but threatens to withdraw the invitation unless he accompanies her to a wedding. So sex is just Leslie's way of controlling Howard. Although initially reluctant, Howard later happily accepts his role as a "sex toy/arm candy" after Leslie comforts him.

INT. ABANDONED RESTAURANT MARY: When you said we had reservations, David, I was picturing something a little more... upscale? DAVID: You don't recognize it. MARY: Should I? DAVID: Think back! MARY: Um... DAVID: I cannot believe you forgot! MARY: Oh, my god. This is where your grandmother choked to death on veal! DAVID: No! Okay, picture this. A small water fountain right there. We sat right here. (BEAT) You do remember! MARY: That we met here? Oh, I remember. I also remember it was over ten years ago, David. DAVID: Yeah, I guess that's kind of a long time to date. MARY: (CHUCKLES) Four's long. Twelve? DAVID: Pathetic, I know. I should have done this a long time ago. So... Mary Elizabeth Donahue, will you (STAMMERS) w-w-w... MARY: You can do it, baby! It's only four simple words. (SFX: DAVID STAMMERS) (SFX: MARY SCREAMS) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MARY RUNS FROM THE RESTAURANT) (FADE TO BLACK) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - DAY ZIVA: (V.O.) Every knife has its own individual balance. The trick is to find it. (ON CAMERA) When you do... you get this. Any questions? (SFX: ZIVA THROWS A KNIFE) MCGEE: Gibbs really approved this? ZIVA: Yes, McGee. Why do you keep on asking that? MCGEE: Well, because they give us Sigs for a reason. ZIVA: In Mossad we have a saying: knives don't run out of bullets. Now any questions pertaining this particular class? TONY: Yeah, I've got one for you. Did you ever kill anyone with a spoon? ZIVA: No. I am seriously considering it. All right, grab your knives. So, you come right past your ear. Once your arm is fully extended, you release. Tony!(SFX: ZIVA THROWS A KNIFE) TONY: All right, watch and learn, Probi-sans. Five summers at Camp Poke-a-quatic. I'm also a pretty mean clogger. That doesn't leave this room.(SFX: TONY THROWS A KNIFE) ZIVA: Nobody cares that you spent your summers prancing around in little wooden shoes. (SFX: TONY BANGS ON THE COUNTER) TONY: The term is dancing. ZIVA: McGee. (SFX: MCGEE THROWS A KNIFE/ CLAMMERS TO THE FLOOR) TONY: (CHUCKLES) Math camp? MCGEE: Chess. But at least I didn't wear man-clogs. ZIVA: (LAUGHS) Lee. LEE: Okay. Right by my ear. (SFX: LEE THROWS A KNIFE BACKWARDS) ZIVA: I thought you said you grew up around weapons? LEE: I did. I didn't say my father actually let me touch any of them. ZIVA: Okay. Uh... it's my fault, Gibbs. I was... GIBBS: (OVERLAP) Save it! We've got a dead sailor in Georgetown. Grab your gear. LEE: (TO GIBBS) Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABANDONED RESTAURANT MORRIS: (V.O.) Pulled his I.D. Found our victim was a sailor. (ON CAMERA) Called you. Couple found him here last night. Supposedly this is where they had their first date. Guy got the keys from the landlord, and wanted to propose. TONY: Well, nothing says I love you like a rotting corpse in an abandoned crap hole. What did she say? CARSON: She says she wants this back before he changes his mind. TONY: Yeesh. And they say romance is dead. MORRIS: Wallet was found next to the body. No money, no credit cards. Just a military I.D. and driver's license. GIBBS: Robbed. MORRIS: I'd be curious to know how he died, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: When I know, Detective Morris, you will know. MORRIS: I appreciate it. CARSON: I got the statements we took from the couple in my car. TONY: All right, you're on sketch details there, Probie. I'll tell you, this is making me nervous. (PASSAGE OF TIME) DUCKY: The larval stage of the Musca domestica, a common housefly. A nuisance to most, but invaluable to the trained investigator. JIMMY: Not to mention a great source of protein. I saw it on Discovery Channel. A documentary on survival training. DUCKY: Ah, as I was saying, they should prove helpful in determining the time of death. Unless of course, my assistant decides to eat them first. GIBBS: Temperature and current size, Duck? These eggs could have been laid in his mouth more than a week ago. DUCKY: Very good, Jethro. It's surprisingly warm in here. I'd estimate he's been dead somewhere between four and five days. GIBBS: Any idea how? DUCKY: Many, but with no obvious signs of trauma or injury, that will have to wait until we get him home. Let's get the gurney, Mister Palmer. GIBBS: McGee, what do you make of this? MCGEE: The word disgusting comes to mind. ZIVA: I think he was talking about the card. MCGEE: Oh, uh... maybe some kind of ticket. GIBBS: Find out for what. Ziva, photos. McGee, you find any more maggots walking around, you bag 'em. They're evidence. MCGEE: Ziva, I will give you a hundred dollars to trade with me. ZIVA: You're afraid of bugs, McGee? MCGEE: Bugs, no. Uh... wriggling, faceless, blob creatures crawling inside human flesh, yes. ZIVA: Believe it or not I used to feel the same way. MCGEE: How'd you get over it? ZIVA: I found that if you're hungry enough, they actually don't taste that bad. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: (V.O.) Our dead sailor is Petty Officer Evan Davidson. (ON CAMERA) A corpsman stationed at The Basic School at Quantico. Reported UA four days ago. TONY: Last seen Thursday night at a Georgetown bar. His Marine buds said he hooked up with a girl left before closing. Marines ever leave before closing? I'm going to head down to Quantico and get her description. GIBBS: McGee, tell me about the card we found on the body. (BEAT) Where is he? ZIVA: Apparently not here. (BEAT) I'll find him. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BATHROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS) ZIVA: Gibbs is looking for you. MCGEE: Um... Ziva, this is a men's room. You can't be in here. ZIVA: He wants to know what you found out about the pink ticket. (TO MAN) Hi. (TO MCGEE) Trying to wash the bug germs off, yes? MCGEE: Will you please leave? (SFX: TOILET FLUSHES) (DOOR OPENS) ZIVA: He didn't wash his hands. Eeugh. You need to learn to face your fears, McGee. I can help you with that. MCGEE: I do not need help, okay? I just don't like maggots. ZIVA: Why? MCGEE: Much like the concept of a men's room. It's personal. (DOOR OPENS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Have you ever wondered why perfectly healthy individuals suddenly, and occasionally keel over and die, Mister Palmer? JIMMY: Well, now that you mention it.... DUCKY: DUCKY: No, no, no, no, no. It's a trick question. They don't. There is always a reason. Now take our Petty Officer, for example. (CONT.) On the outside he appears young, virile, perfect physical condition. Yet inside we find the liver of a seventy-five year old man. It is swollen, scarred, and well on its way to full-blown cirrhosis. JIMMY: He's an alcoholic? DUCKY: Was, Mister Palmer.(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED) GIBBS: Is that what killed him, Duck? DUCKY: No, but it was certainly a contributing factor. His blood alcohol level was five times the legal limit. I'm surprised he could stand, never mind break into an abandoned restaurant. And his preliminary tox screen also shows traces of ecstasy and other chemicals in his blood. Quite a volatile cocktail. GIBBS: What kind of other chemicals? DUCKY: Abby's running them right now. It appears our young man went on a bender on Thursday night, one from which he could not recover. GIBBS: He O.D.ed? JIMMY: That would explain the multiple organ failures we found. We won't know more 'til we finish the autopsy. DUCKY: Very good, Mister Palmer. Anything else you'd care to add? JIMMY: There's a very good chance that this is an accidental death, Doctor. GIBBS: Nothing accidental about it, Palmer. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED) DUCKY: People who choose to live their lives this way, have nobody to blame but themselves! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB ABBY: (V.O.) I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. (ON CAMERA) Weapons, caffeine-fueled intellect versus cold silicate-based intelligence. Until then, I bid you a good day, Sir! (BEAT) Hi. ZIVA: Hi. You talk to your mass spectrometer? ABBY: Yeah, sometimes. Why? MCGEE: You challenged it to a duel. ABBY: Well, it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the computer now. MCGEE: Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. Did you find anything yet? ABBY: When, McGee? If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here. Which may be why I started talking to my machines in the first place. MCGEE: Well, Abs, I've got to tell him something. ABBY: Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me. GIBBS: Not all the time. ABBY: Hi, Gibbs. Just in time. This is the mass-spec on the mystery compounds in Petty Officer Davidson's blood. It's organic and it's definitely what killed him. Meet neriin, oleandrin, and oleandroside. (SFX: BEEP TONES) GIBBS: Friends of yours, Elf Lord? ABBY: No, Gibbs, they're not characters from Lord of the Rings. They're compounds found in the oleander plant. ZIVA: What drug is made from that? ABBY: None. It's pure poison. MCGEE: Our Petty Officer didn't O.D. GIBBS: He was murdered. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. BAR - NIGHT JEANNE: (INTO PHONE) What language do I have to say it in? You obviously don't understand English. I said no! TONY: Travis? TRAVIS: (V.O.) Yeah, Tony? TONY: Can I get two Belvedere martinis? Straight up. Very dry. Very cold. Twist of lemon. JEANNE: (INTO PHONE) You are becoming a stalker. No! What else do you want to call it? Over is over. Forever over. No ciao. No we'll meet again because we won't! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/JEANNE WALKS TO THE BAR) JEANNE: Hey. TONY: Hey. Cheers. JEANNE: Sorry. Santi. Yes, that was him. And no, I won't tell you his name. TONY: Did I ask? JEANNE: Your eyes did. TONY: What are they asking now? JEANNE: To skip dinner. TONY: You are amazing. I don't know how you do it. JEANNE: You always want to skip dinner, Tony. TONY: Oh. JEANNE: But not tonight. I'm famished. TONY: Me, too. JEANNE: Food first. TONY: All right. Our reservations aren't 'till eight. How about some oysters to tide us over? JEANNE: Oh, the last thing you need is an increased libido. TONY: You don't believe that old wives' tale, do you? JEANNE: It's true. Oysters are rich in rare amino acids that trigger increased levels of s*x hormones. TONY: Two dozen malpeques, please. We'll be at that table. And more alcohol. TRAVIS: (V.O.) Yeah. Two more coming up. TONY: Mademoiselle. JEANNE: Merci. TONY: You look incredible. JEANNE: I'm glad you like it. It's my favorite. TONY: I wasn't talking about the dress. I meant you, Jeanne. JEANNE: Thank you. TONY: What's that? JEANNE: I'm working Wednesday. TONY: Wednesday? JEANNE: Valentine's Day. TONY: Oh, yeah! Yeah. It comes around fast every year, doesn't it? JEANNE: Mm-hmm. TONY: Yeah. Oh. Well, your gift is still at the store because I never bought it. Sorry. JEANNE: You know how wonderful it is to be with someone who doesn't even lie about the little things? (BEAT) Open it. TONY: Oh, it's not just the box? JEANNE: No! TONY: I was going to say it's the nicest box I've ever seen .... JEANNE: (LAUGHS LIGHTLY) ...... TONY: Oh, come on! JEANNE: It's more permanent than the last one I tagged you with. TONY: Uh-huh. This is... this is platinum. It's expensive, Jeanne. JEANNE: I'm a doctor. I can afford it. TONY: (READS) Mental ward? Are you trying to tell me something? JEANNE: It worked last time. TONY: Yes, it did. I've never had a gift this unique. Or a woman. Thank you. (SFX: CELL PHONE VIBRATES) TONY: He doesn't give up, does he? JEANNE: I'm going to change my number. TONY: Okay, don't be ridiculous. Let me talk to him. I can... JEANNE: No! No! TONY: (OVERLAP) I'll talk a little sense into him. JEANNE: I don't want you to get involved in my problem. I can handle it. TONY: If it doesn't go away? JEANNE: It will. I promise. TONY: Saved by the mollusk. (TO SERVER) Thanks. SERVER: Here you go.(SFX: CELL PHONE BEEP) JEANNE: I changed my mind. Let's skip dinner. TONY: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Shakira. That's who this police sketch reminds me of. Shakira. Yes? You know, the singer? The one who dances like this. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA DANCES) ZIVA: You're not even listening to me, are you? TONY: Uh-huh. ZIVA: Look at this police sketch. The Marines said this woman left the bar with Petty Officer Davidson. She could be the killer. (BEAT) Hey! (BEAT) Where are we going? TONY: We're not going anywhere. ZIVA: Who are you taking? McGee? MORRIS: (V.O.) Agent Gibbs around? (ON CAMERA) I brought him an early Valentine's Day present. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM CARSON: He's a junkie. Hangs out in the area where we found your dead sailor. Morris thinks he saw something. ZIVA: What do you think, Detective Carson? CARSON: It's um... it's John. Um... love the accent, by the way. It's Israeli, right? ZIVA: Not bad. Most people don't recognize it. CARSON: I took a vacation there a couple years ago. TONY: (OVERLAP) Back to the question. What makes you think he knows anything, John? CARSON: Well, um... mostly this, Tony. He had one of your Petty Officer's credit cards on him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) MORRIS: I've got somebody that I want you to meet, Frankie. This is Special Agent Gibbs. Wants to ask you a few questions. HOLTZ: Look, I didn't do nothing wrong. I mean, I didn't even use the card. GIBBS: No problem. I just want to know how you got it. HOLTZ: Oh, I found it, you know, in the street. GIBBS: Where do you keep your credit cards, Detective Morris? MORRIS: Oh, like ninety-nine percent of the people on this planet, a wallet. You? GIBBS: Yeah. Same. Same. You see, we've got a problem here, Frank, because Petty Officer Davidson's wallet was found lying next to his body. MORRIS: And his body wasn't out in the street. HOLTZ: Well, you ever stop to think uh... the guy could have dropped it? MORRIS: Man does raise a valid point. GIBBS: Mm. Yeah? Yeah, works for me. HOLTZ: So I can... I can go? GIBBS: Ah, no. I think we're going to charge you with murder instead. HOLTZ: Wait, I didn't murder nobody! Look, he was still breathing... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: It's almost unfair interrogating junkies. ZIVA: It's like shooting fish in a pond. CARSON: (CHUCKLES) I um... I think you mean a barrel. ZIVA: Why would a fish be in a barrel? CARSON: Um... I um... it's a good point. I never really thought about it before. ZIVA: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GIBBS: Frankie, Frankie, Frankie. HOLTZ: When I found your guy, he was pretty wasted. GIBBS: Where? HOLTZ: In an alley behind One Club. MORRIS: You saw him coming out of there? HOLTZ: No. No, he was lying over by some dumpsters. Right? So I decided... I decided to keep an eye on him. You know, make sure that... he don't hurt himself. GIBBS: I think you need to find a new line of work. MORRIS: He's dead, you retread. HOLTZ: Well, not when I saw him! I mean, all I did was help him into that restaurant and I just... I just waited for him to pass out. GIBBS: So you could rob him? HOLTZ: Well, yeah. But I didn't. I didn't kill him. GIBBS: No. But you just left him there to die. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB ABBY: (V.O.) This is really starting to vex me, McGee. (ON CAMERA) Normally I love lamination because it collects fingerprints like you collect royalty checks. But this is completely sterile. Are you sure it was in the Petty Officer's pocket? MCGEE: Yep. ABBY: Well then how did it get there? MCGEE: Either he put it in there, or someone else did. ABBY: Then there would be fingerprints. There would be oil from skin contacts, residue from the environment it's in. MCGEE: They wiped it down. ABBY: Why would they go to all that trouble? They could have just taken it! And believe me, they went to all that trouble. Maybe they wanted us to find it. MCGEE: Which is why ... ABBY: What's that look like to you? It's on the paper that's under the lamination. MCGEE: Ink? ABBY: Possibly. I'm thinking it's a message for us. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY CARSON: One Club's been on our radar for the last year. Drugs, illegal gambling, prostitution. ZIVA: Why haven't you breasted them? TONY: She means busted. ZIVA: Oh, yes. Yes, busted. Sorry. MORRIS: It's a private club. We can't get in to get enough evidence for a warrant. ZIVA: Why not raid it? If they're doing half of what you think they are, you'll find evidence. MORRIS: Not without a warrant. Last time I damn near lost my badge. CARSON: Club's lawyers ripped into the department big time. Owner's a smart guy. His name's Scott Pell. Knows how to protect his clients. If you're a member of One Club, you can get away with just about anything. It's not the kind of club you'd expect to find a sailor. You've got to be rich or famous to step through that door. GIBBS: Yeah, or have something they want. Are you two waiting for an engraved invite? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: On the surface it's a moderately priced Italian knockoff. But on the inside of the heel, a portable pharmacy. Twenty-four tablets of Ecstasy. MORRIS: Well, that could have gotten him through the door. GIBBS: That's a good job, Abby. ABBY: Oh, that was just the warm-up act, Gibbs. The real show is in here with McGee. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INNER LAB - DAY MCGEE: Boss, this card was definitely planted at the crime scene. ABBY: They wanted us to find it. MORRIS: Well, how do you figure that? ABBY: Well, the blood stain was intentionally put underneath the lamination. MCGEE: A human blood stain. MORRIS: Well, that doesn't prove that it was planted. MCGEE: They wanted us to take the card out of the plastic. MORRIS: And who's they? GIBBS: Stop interrupting and listen. MCGEE: They being the person or persons who killed Petty Officer Davidson. ABBY: Okay, here's where it gets weird. And when I say weird, I mean like the sick and creepy kind of weird. Not the good weird, because I'm a big fan of that. GIBBS: Abby. ABBY: Um... all right. You're going to need these. All right, McGee. Hit the lights! We sprayed the card with luminal to look for more blood splatter. And instead, we found this. ZIVA: It's written in blood. TONY: I'd say that's creepy. GIBBS: Do you think, Dinozzo? (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Abby analyzed the contents of our Petty Officer's stomach. We now know how the poison was administered. The oleander plant leaves were first reduced to a fine powder, and then ingested. Judging by the absorption rate, it had to be in the form of a liquid. GIBBS: What's this stuff taste like, Ducky? DUCKY: Oh, extremely bitter. In order to disguise it, you'd have to use something equally strong, such as... GIBBS: Booze? DUCKY: Yeah. GIBBS: Someone spiked his drink? DUCKY: Well, considering his blood alcohol level, I'd say more than one. GIBBS: How many shots of this before you end up like he did? DUCKY: From that concentration? No more than three or four. Which brings me to the real reason for this visit. The note found on the body ... GIBBS: Expect more? DUCKY: Yeah. An average bottle contains twenty-five shots, enough to kill seven people. But an entire case? GIBBS: More than sixty. A few cases, you wipe out the entire night club. DUCKY: Well, bars and discotheques have been terrorist targets overseas. It's only a matter of time before they try it here. GIBBS: Terrorists don't leave shiny pink clue cards for us, Duck. DUCKY: No, they don't. Nor do they leave threats that can only be read in a forensic lab. I believe the killer is trying to show us how clever they are. GIBBS: Expect more. He's planning to do it again. DUCKY: Or she. Poison has been the weapon of choice for women for centuries. Except they tend to hide it in food, rather than drink. GIBBS: That would explain why my last ex-wife spent so much time in the kitchen. (SFX: DUCKY LAUGHS) (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/LEE CLIMBS FROM UNDERNEATH THE GURNEY) (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED) (SFX: JIMMY CHUCKLES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (V.O.) If Petty Officer Davidson was drinking in this neighborhood Thursday night, it had to be here. MCGEE: It doesn't exactly look like a celebrity hangout. TONY: That's why celebrities like it, Probie. MORRIS: Ordinary people don't even know One Club exists. GIBBS: Dinozzo, find me that woman he was with and McGee, get a warrant. MCGEE: On it, Boss. MORRIS: On what grounds? GIBBS: Dead sailor's good for me. MORRIS: Metro doesn't look like that. GIBBS: Then don't. MORRIS: Too late. We've involved. I need grounds, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Your witness places the victim at the club at the time of his murder. MORRIS: Outside the club. And he wasn't exactly a witness, he let him die so he could rob him. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONE) CYNTHIA: (V.O./FILTERED) Agents Gibbs and Lee to see you, Director. SHEPARD: Let them in, Cynthia. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) SHEPARD: What's the problem? GIBBS: Jurisdiction issues with Metro Police. LEE: They're insisting on a warrant. GIBBS: And this... legal person won't get me one. LEE: I've tried, Director. We don't have probable cause. I can't get a judge to sign off on it. GIBBS: We have a dead sailor. We've got a killer leaving us messages in human blood. LEE: But we need to get a warrant, Sir. Not, Sir. Gibbs. Special... Special Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Where did you find her? SHEPARD: Harvard Law School. LEE: We need a witness who saw the Petty Officer inside of the club. GIBBS: We've got one! SHEPARD: Is there a witness? GIBBS: Yes. LEE: Metro Detective Morris informs me that he's a drug addict that no judge would find reliable, Director. GIBBS: Who's running this agency? Metro Police? SHEPARD: You know damn well who. LEE: Find me a witness and I will get you that warrant, Sir - Special... Agent... Gibbs. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) SHEPARD: Don't take it personally, Michelle. LEE: He's right, Director. SHEPARD: He usually is. That's what makes him so damn irritating. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NURSES' STATION - DAY JEANNE: Thanks. TONY: Excuse me, I need a prescription for this burning sensation in my loins. JEANNE: Are you trying to outspend me? A Bermuda weekend. What could be a more perfect Valentine? TONY: A weekend in the Bahamas? (BEAT) It's interesting, though. He and I must be a lot alike. (JEANNE TEARS THE TICKET INTO PIECES) JEANNE: You are... you are night and day. TONY: How does that work, exactly? Am I day and he's night, or you switch us out? JEANNE: That was totally uncalled for, Tony! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY (DOOR OPENS) JEANNE: That was totally uncalled for. TONY: Was it, Jeanne? He still calls. Plans a Valentine's weekend in Bermuda with you. I'd say that's not a man who understands it's over. JEANNE: It's over ... for me. TONY: I'm not so sure. If you can't sell him, and you won't let me handle it....maybe it's not over for you. JEANNE: Don't do this, Tony. TONY: Okay, what if I had an ex-girlfriend who was always calling me and planning little romantic getaways for the two of us? How would you feel? JEANNE: I wouldn't like it. TONY: Well... JEANNE: But I would trust you to handle it. TONY: And if I didn't handle it? JEANNE: Then it would be your problem. Just as this is mine. TONY: Exactly. Wrong. This is our problem, Jeanne. (TONY WALKS O.S.) (DOOR OPENS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) MORRIS: We need to talk, Gibbs. (GIBBS AND MORRIS WALK INTO THE ELEVATOR) CARSON: Should we call the paramedics? ZIVA: No need. If they fight, it will be to the death. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR - DAY (SFX: ELEVATOR STOPS) GIBBS: Talk. MORRIS: I used to be like you, Gibbs. GIBBS: You were never like me. MORRIS: MORRIS: I got the dirtbags any way I could. Let the lawyers sweat the paperwork. About a year ago I went into a hole down on Eighth. The b*st*rd in there was a bad-ass. (CONT.) Rapist. Pedophile. Scum you gotta take off the street to get sleep at night. I didn't have a warrant or a probable cause. But I knew. Here. So I took him down. Hard. GIBBS: Is that it, or should I get a refill? MORRIS: His lawyer said it was a bad bust. No warrant. Judge agreed. Bad-ass walked. A month later... he raped and strangled a six year old girl. I'm never going to make that mistake again. GIBBS: Not getting a warrant, or not killing the b*st*rd? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Boss using the elevator as an office again? I had to take the stairs. All right, looky what I found. The Marines gave a pretty good description of Davidson's last date. Lisa Delgado. Age twenty-three. CARSON: Where'd you find her? TONY: There's only two parking lots within ... stumbling distance of the club. ZIVA: So you showed the police sketch to parking attendants? TONY: Yeah. And they I.D.'d her. She's a regular at the One Club. Arrives alone, and usually leaves with a Porsche, or a Ferrari, or a Mercedes SLR. CARSON: Good thinking, Dinozzo. GIBBS: Did you think to pick her up? TONY: Ah, I did. Roommate hasn't seen her since Thursday. Not unusual. She can be gone for days. She is, after all, in the escort business. MORRIS: The club owner, Pell, lets some of the escorts stay overnight. ZIVA: So she could be there now. GIBBS: If she is we'll be there when she comes out. MORRIS: And if she's not? GIBBS: We'll be there when she goes in. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SURVEILLANCE VAN - DAY CARSON: That uh... that Feb's? TONY: Pro cheerleaders in the off season. CARSON: Yeah, buddy in vice told me one of them's a man. TONY: No. CARSON: Mm-hmm. TONY: Well, I probably shouldn't be looking at it anyway. I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea of a monogamous relationship. CARSON: That takes serious retraining. TONY: Tell me about it. CARSON: Ah....you're not in love, are you? TONY: Could be. CARSON: Could be, my friend, isn't love. TONY: Isn't love. I know. I know. It's complicated, John. CARSON: Aren't they all? TONY: No, usually they're pretty simple. Fall in love, three weeks later, fall out of love. CARSON: That's been my life! Except for once. I got engaged. TONY: What happened? CARSON: What do you think? I screwed it up. I um... slept with her best friend. TONY: Oh. (CHUCKLES) That's not nice, John. CARSON: Yeah, I know. She was the one, too. Smart, beautiful, funny. The whole marriage package. Oh, well. I'll always have April two thousand five to keep me company. TONY: Hooter Girls of D.C. CARSON: Yeah, collector's edition. TONY: Yeah. (BEAT) Baby steps. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: (V.O.) This is really weird. ZIVA: I would agree. What exactly is this? ABBY: It's a chick-e-baby. My friend makes them. ZIVA: Why? ABBY: For Valentine's Day. ZIVA: I think I may be confusing this holiday with another. GIBBS: What do you got, Abs? ABBY: Oh, I'm not sure, yet. I got a partial match on the blood the killer used to write his calling card. GIBBS: Who is he? ABBY: He's a she. ZIVA: Our Petty Officer's murderer is a woman. ABBY: I don't think so. ZIVA: You don't think a woman can kill and leave a calling card? ABBY: Not this one. She was murdered two months ago. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MORRIS: Sandra Thompson. Age twenty-four. Arrested seven times for prostitution. Found murdered in Canal Park. December twenty-fourth. ABBY: Ah, Christmas Eve. Sad. MORRIS: No day is a good day to be stabbed twenty-two times, Ms. Sciuto. ZIVA: At least she didn't feel anything. All the wounds were post-mortem. MCGEE: What killed her? MORRIS: She O.D.'d on something called neriin. ABBY: Neriin. An oleandroside. That's the same thing that killed the Petty Officer. GIBBS: That would have been nice to know two days ago, Detective. MORRIS: Hey, don't bite my ass. This isn't my case. GIBBS: Did you ask whoever's case it was if they found a pink card on the body? MORRIS: I did. They didn't. The only clue here is a bloody shoe print. GIBBS: Is there a photo in the file? MORRIS: It is the case file, Gibbs. GIBBS: McGee. MCGEE: Excuse me, Detective. (SFX: KEYBOARDING) GIBBS: All that blood, and just one print? MORRIS: It was his only mistake. GIBBS: McGee. (SFX: KEYBOARDING) GIBBS: It wasn't a mistake. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DOCTOR'S LOUNGE JEANNE: (INTO PHONE) You're right, Tony. Maybe it wasn't over for me.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) JEANNE: (V.O./FILTERED) If it was, I would have told him about you. TONY: (INTO PHONE) He doesn't know? (SCENE CUT) JEANNE: (INTO PHONE) He does now. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Why didn't you tell him? JEANNE: (V.O./FILTERED) I didn't want to answer all these stupid questions that... (SCENE CUT) JEANNE: (INTO PHONE) ...men ask when it's over and they know there's another man in your life. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Like uh... is he better looking than me? Or is he better in bed? JEANNE: (V.O./FILTERED) Exactly like that. TONY: (INTO PHONE) Is he? (SCENE CUT) TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) That was a joke. Sort of. JEANNE: (INTO PHONE) You're better in almost all categories... (SCENE CUT) JEANNE: (V.O./FILTERED) Tony. TONY: (INTO PHONE) Almost? JEANNE: (V.O./FILTERED) That was a joke. Sort of. (SCENE CUT) JEANNE: (INTO PHONE) I've got to go. I love you, Tony. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) I love you too, Jeanne. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) CARSON: Well, I know that look. TONY: What look? CARSON: That cold feet look. You asked her to marry you, and now you wonder if your life is over. TONY: I didn't ask her to marry me. CARSON: Are you gonna? TONY: Well, I can't live a lie. CARSON: What the hell is that supposed to mean? TONY: (LAUGHS) I don't want to end up like you. CARSON: Oh, hell. That's easy. TONY: Don't sleep with her best friend? CARSON: Don't drink. (BEAT) You think I'd have blown the best thing that ever happened to me if I was sober? TONY: I'm sorry, John. CARSON: Oh, don't be. Because of her I quit drinking. (SFX: FAX MACHINE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: FAX MACHINE) GIBBS: Here. Look at the outside edges. Did you ever read MAD Magazine? ZIVA AND MORRIS: No. MCGEE: Until my mom found them and burned them in the yard. ABBY: Oh, my god! It's exactly like the back cover of MAD Magazine! MORRIS: (READS) Dead whore? GIBBS: The shoe print's not a mistake, J.D. It's a message. ABBY: Like expect more written on the pink card. ZIVA: Which was also written in Sandra Thompson's blood. GIBBS: We're dealing with a serial killer. MORRIS: If it's a serial killing, shouldn't your dead sailor be a whore? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ONE CLUB - NIGHT (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (MUSIC OVER ACTION) BARROWS: Have a good time. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SURVEILLANCE VAN - DAY TONY: Why couldn't you guys get a hot female cop inside? CARSON: Tried. Got stopped at the door every time. Not hot enough. TONY: Do you believe that? CARSON: No. Hate to say it, but I think someone in Metro tips the owner. And there he is at the door. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ONE CLUB - PELL: Any problems, Matt? BARROWS: None so far, Mister Pell. PELL: Thought Metro might hit us with another warrant after what happened Thursday night. (INTO PHONE) Yeah? (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SURVEILLANCE VAN - NIGHT TONY: Hey Boss. What's up? GIBBS: We're going in. TONY: You got a warrant? GIBBS: No. No, we've got somebody rich and famous. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ONE CLUB - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA/LEE AND MCGEE WALK FROM THE CAR TO THE CLUB) (SFX: PHOTOGRAPHERS B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SURVEILLANCE VAN - NIGHT TONY: McGeek? GIBBS: No. A very famous novelist. Thom E. Gemcity. CARSON: Who? TONY: Don't ask, John. I'd vomit explaining. GIBBS: (INTO RADIO) McGee, if Delgado's inside, you get her out quietly. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CLUB - NIGHT MCGEE: How? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SURVEILLANCE VAN - NIGHT GIBBS: (INTO RADIO) Well, she's a hooker, Tim. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CLUB - NIGHT ZIVA: Lee, can you please pretend you want to be here with us? LEE: I'm trying. Please, I don't know where your Sig is, but I'm having trouble walking. ABBY: Snuggle up, Lee. It's fun. BARROWS: Names, please. MCGEE: Thom E. Gemcity. BARROWS: I thought I recognized you. Deep Six, right? MCGEE: That's the one. BARROWS: I'm a big fan. Go right in. MCGEE: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SURVEILLANCE VAN - NIGHT TONY: I gotta write a book. GIBBS: You should read one first. CARSON: Hey, woman in the alley. Camera three. GIBBS: Tighter on her face.(SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES) TONY: It could be Delgado. Right size. CARSON: That's the best I can do. GIBBS: Check her out, Tony. MORRIS: John, you go with him. CARSON: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ALLEY - NIGHT (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) PELL: I thought we agreed you weren't going to come around here for a few days. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SURVEILLANCE VAN - NIGHT MORRIS: That's Delgago. GIBBS: (INTO RADIO) Tony, that's Delgago in the alley. She's got company! Move! Now! Move! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT DELGADO: The cops are after me. I've got to get out of town. PELL: I'm not stopping you. DELGADO: I need money. PELL: Why don't you use the thousand dollars that sailor gave you to leave the back door of my club open last Thursday night. DELGADO: I'll tell them what happened. PELL: Excuse me? DELGADO: You forced a spiked drink down his throat and killed him! PELL: Matt caught that guy trying to slip you a roofie. You should be grateful he saw it. DELGADO: It was no roofie. PELL: What was it? DELGADO: I dunno. Whatever it was, that freak was trying to kill me. PELL: I guess that means I saved your life. Come inside. We'll talk about it there. DELGADO: No! You just... just give me five grand and I'm gone. PELL: I'll give it to you inside. DELGADO: I'll never come out of there alive. PELL: Lisa, you're probably right. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/PELL ATTACKS DELGADO) DELGADO: Forget about the money! I won't say a word! I swear! PELL: Yeah, you will. The next time a cop picks you over for tricking, Lisa, you'll deal. And I'll be the card. (F/X: PELL BREAKS DELGADO'S NECK) TONY: Freeze, Federal agents!! PELL: Damn cops. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GUNFIRE) (F/X: TONY MOVES TOWARD PELL) CARSON: Did we hit her? TONY: No, looks like he broke her neck. (SFX: CARSON FALLS TO THE GROUND) TONY: John? John! (SFX: CARSON GASPS) MORRIS: (INTO RADIO) Officer down! Six-six-one-eight Chillum Road Northwest. (V.O.) You're going to be okay, buddy. Try not to move.(SFX: CARSON GASPING B.G.) TONY: Hang on. Okay. All right. You're going to be fine.(SFX: CARSON COUGHS) CARSON: (COUGHING) Liar. MORRIS: (V.O.) Stay with us, Carson. You've got to stay with us, okay? (SFX: CARSON GASPS) (SFX: TONY AND MORRIS BREATHE HEAVILY) (SFX: SIRENS B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - NIGHT ABBY: I should have caught this, guys. MCGEE: Metro had the bloody print for two months. They didn't catch him. ABBY: Yeah, but I had Petty Officer Davidson's boot the whole time. ZIVA: You thought the Petty Officer was the victim, not the killer, Abby. ABBY: There's no excuse. MCGEE: (SIGHS) It's ironic, isn't it? Serial killer forced to drink his own poison. That could make a good book. (SFX: ZIVA LAUGHS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BENOIT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/JEANNE READS EMAIL) EMAIL: I get it now, Jeanne. Won't bug you, again. Goodbye love. (ON SCREEN) Are you sure you want to delete the file permanently?

Plan: A: a sailor; Q: What was the man who died? A: NCIS; Q: What is the name of the show? A: an unintentional drug overdose; Q: What did the local officers believe the sailor died of? A: Abby; Q: Who discovers a message written in blood on a laminated card? A: the sailor; Q: Who did the team suspect might not have been a victim? A: Agent Michelle Lee; Q: Who is Jimmy dating? A: Tony; Q: Who helps Jeanne deal with an obsessive ex-boyfriend? A: Metro; Q: What type of cop is dealing with his own ex? Summary: A man proposing to his girlfriend finds the body of a sailor. NCIS works with local officers believing that the man died of an unintentional drug overdose. However, Abby discovers a message written in blood on a laminated card found at the crime scene and the team suspect that the sailor might not have been a victim after all. Meanwhile, Jimmy continues his relationship with Agent Michelle Lee and Tony helps Jeanne deal with an obsessive ex-boyfriend as well as a Metro cop dealing with his own ex.

5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1. INT. SPAR SHIP (Power builds up in the SPAR as the craft slowly takes off. The group stands around the central console watching as BRET manipulates the controls.) (But none of them notice the desperate figure of KIRKSEN watching from the airlock.) BRET VYON: Next stop Earth. DOCTOR: Oh, oh, I'm glad to hear that, Bret. Now, you've got some serious thinking to do. (To KATARINA.) Katarina, check up on that door and see that it's secure. (KATARINA goes up to the door.) DOCTOR: Remember, Chen will have allies on Earth, and... (KATARINA screams as KIRKSEN bursts through the internal door. He seizes her with one hand, and pulls her round in front of him like a shield. In his other hand he has BORS' knife. KATARINA screams in terror and STEVEN leaps to his feet. He stops short as KIRKSEN wrenches KATARINA'S head so that her neck is arched back, the knife-edge pressed against her skin. The girl starts frantically crying out.) KIRKSEN: (Shouts.) Keep back! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Who are you? What do you want? Release that girl! KIRKSEN: (Shouts.) Never mind that! Who's in charge of this thing? (They hesitate to reply.) KIRKSEN: (Shouts.) Answer me! BRET VYON: I am. KIRKSEN: Where are you heading? BRET VYON: Earth. KIRKSEN: Change course. (BRET VYON hesitates.) KIRKSEN: (Shouts.) Change it! BRET VYON: Where to? KIRKSEN: Not Earth. Go to the planet Kembel. DOCTOR: (Outraged.) Kembel! KIRKSEN: Shut up and do as I say! (He pulls KATARINA'S head back and she cries out louder in pain.) BRET VYON: Kembel's deserted now. It's as bad as Desperus. KIRKSEN: Nowhere's as bad as Desperus! STEVEN: The Daleks are on Kembel! KIRKSEN: So? DOCTOR: The Daleks are no help! We're going back to Earth. (The unhinged man reacts in horror to this statement.) KIRKSEN: Then I shall be sent back to the Devil's planet! No, whoever the Daleks are, they'll help me. STEVEN: You don't know about the Daleks... KIRKSEN: (Interrupts, shouting.) Just do as I say! To Kembel! (Yells.) Kembel! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (Meanwhile, the DALEK SUPREME hears a report from the DALEKS that he sent to chase the SPAR, who have now crash-landed on Desperus.) FIRST DALEK: (OOV: Over communicator.) Only slight damage was sustained. We are ready to continue pursuit of Earth vessel. (The DALEK SUPREME turns to the Communications DALEK.) DALEK SUPREME: What is course of Earth vessel? (The DALEK checks the instrument panel.) SECOND DALEK: Back on course - seven, oh, seven - heading for Earth. DALEK SUPREME: Contact Mavic Chen through secret communication red. He must recapture the Taranium and exterminate creatures who took it. SECOND DALEK: I obey. (The DALEK SUPREME speaks, via the communicator, to the Pursuit ship himself.) DALEK SUPREME: (Into communicator.) Pursuit vessel, return to base. FIRST DALEK: (OOV: Over communicator.) We obey. (The DALEK SUPREME turns to another DALEK, who is monitoring its controls.) DALEK SUPREME: Destroy pursuit ship. They have failed in their mission. (The THIRD DALEK moves to carry out the order.) DALEK SUPREME: We will not tolerate mistakes! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. SPAR SHIP (The hostage situation in the SPAR is unchanged. BRET VYON and STEVEN stand at the control panel with their backs to KIRKSEN and his hostage. They are making no effort to change any controls but making it look as if they are. KATARINA is still crying out in panic.) DOCTOR: (To KIRKSEN.) We're changing course. Now, release that girl. KIRKSEN: Do you think I'm a fool? (STEVEN steps away from the console. He and BRET have not changed a single control. ) STEVEN: The course is changed. We're heading for Kembel. KIRKSEN: It doesn't feel as if we've changed. BRET VYON: Well, look up at the screen and you'll see. (KIRKSEN looks up to where BRET is pointing. As he does so, STEVEN takes his chance and rushes the convict but he pulls KATARINA back and the two of them fall into the airlock. KIRKSEN pulls a lever and the double doors close in front of them although they can both be seen through the glass panels. STEVEN rushes back to the control console.) STEVEN: Well, open the door from the control panel - I'll rush him! DOCTOR: The girl will be dead before the door's half open! (To BRET.) Can we talk to him in there? BRET VYON: Yes, I'll channel the talk-back. DOCTOR: Let's try a little bluff. (BRET operates the control for the intercom and the room is filled with KATARINA'S cries as she continues to struggle in KIRKSEN'S arms. The DOCTOR addresses them.) DOCTOR: Now, then! Listen to me, whoever you are. Bring that girl in here, or we will press a button and you will go outside the door - into space. KIRKSEN: Then the girl dies too! If you open the outside door, I'll press the inner release and then we'll all be dead! (He tightens his hold on KATARINA again and her cries become still more shrill.) BRET VYON: We can't get through to him - he's crazy. DOCTOR: We've got to get Katarina out of there! (BRET cuts off the audio link to the airlock. STEVEN watches the convict pulling KATARINA through the glass panel.) STEVEN: Stop that! (He rushes over to VYON.) STEVEN: Turn the talk-back on again! BRET VYON: There's no point. STEVEN: Turn it on again, before he really hurts her! BRET VYON: Look, he can't kill her or he hasn't a hostage. (Furiously, STEVEN pushes past BRET and turns the switch himself. He then rushes over to the airlock and shouts through it.) STEVEN: You... animal! (KIRKSEN pulls KATARINA'S arm further up her back and she screams out again in great pain.) KIRKSEN: Now that's just for starters. Do as I say! (The DOCTOR turns to VYON with a disgusted look on his face.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Change course! (KIRKSEN looks out of the airlock and sees the stars beginning to change.) KIRKSEN: Now, that's more like it! DOCTOR: Take him back to Kembel. Take him back to Kembel! Let the Daleks deal with him. STEVEN: Yes, and us. DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry, dear boy, We'll find a way out. (KIRKSEN is getting fed up with KATARINA'S fighting.) KIRKSEN: Stop that or you're dead! (VYON doesn't like the situation.) BRET VYON: I can't sacrifice everything for the sake of that one girl! STEVEN: Listen, without us you wouldn't have got off Kembel at all, and nothing'd be worth bothering about! BRET VYON: All right, so we all go back together. But without me, I doubt if you'd have got this far either. STEVEN: Yes, all right, but I won't let you hurt Katarina. We'll head back for Kembel. As the Doctor says, on the way we may find a way to get her out of there. (KIRKSEN hears this.) KIRKSEN: You won't. (KATARINA wrenches her hand free and reaches for the airlock switches. KIRKSEN, seeing this, tries to get hold of her hand. Outside, STEVEN and VYON watch this desperate struggle, and see which control KATARINA is reaching for.) STEVEN: Not that one! Katarina! (It is too late. They hear an electronic burble as the outer doors open.) STEVEN: (Screams.) Katarina! (VYON'S hand flashes to the controls and the outer door closes again, as STEVEN tries to open the inner door. All three men are in total shock and there is a stunned silence.) STEVEN: (Softly.) She pressed the wrong button, Doctor. DOCTOR: She may have wanted to, dear boy. She wanted to save our lives. BRET VYON: (Awkwardly.) It must have been... quick. (The DOCTOR stares out into space.) DOCTOR: I hope she's reached her Place of Perfection. (STEVEN stares at the airlock.) STEVEN: Yes, but not that way. DOCTOR: (Sadly.) She didn't understand. She couldn't understand. She wanted to save our lives. And perhaps the lives of all the other beings of the Solar System. I hope she's found her Perfection. (He stares into space again.) DOCTOR: Oh, how I shall always remember her... as one of the Daughters of the Gods. Yes, as one of the Daughters of the Gods! [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. SPACE (The lifeless bodies of KATARINA and KIRKSEN float away into space. The young Trojan Handmaiden, many centuries and many miles from her birth, seems calm in death...) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (TRANTIS, one of the delegates, impatient with not hearing any news, marches into the Control room and right up to the DALEK SUPREME.) TRANTIS: (Mocking.) Dalek Supreme, You have failed to get back the Core of the Time Destructor. (The eye-stalk of the DALEK SUPREME swiftly turns and stares at TRANTIS.) DALEK SUPREME: We shall get it back. TRANTIS: You show too much trust in Mavic Chen. DALEK SUPREME: Mavic Chen is hungry for power. We have offered him more power than he has ever thought of. He will return to us the Taranium Core. TRANTIS: Supposing he fails? DALEK SUPREME: He will not. He has been given instructions. TRANTIS: What instructions? DALEK SUPREME: (Angrily.) It is not necessary for you to know. TRANTIS: As representative of the largest of the outer galaxies, I have the right to know! DALEK SUPREME: Representative Trantis, the Daleks will not fail and neither will any of its allies. (TRANTIS retreats, step by step, as the DALEK SUPREME moves towards him.) DALEK SUPREME: If anything tries to stop us we will destroy it. (TRANTIS now looks uneasy as the DALEK SUPREME'S voice rises...) DALEK SUPREME: Nothing will be allowed to stand in the way of our plan to conquer the Universe! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. SPAR SHIP (Some time later, the DOCTOR is looking at the scanner.) DOCTOR: Hmm, judging by the position of those planets, we shall land quite soon. (He gives a quiet laugh.) BRET VYON: Yes, and that's the problem. It won't be easy. DOCTOR: Oh, haven't we sufficient power drive to land safely, hmm? BRET VYON: Yes, but we can't land at the main landing area - remember, this is Chen's space vessel! DOCTOR: Yes, you've got a point there. Where can we land, hmm? (VYON points out a grid pattern on a computer screen, one finger tapping a particular mark.) BRET VYON: An Experimental Plant - a little way out from Central City. I have a friend there who I think will help us. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. EARTH. GUARDIAN'S OFFICE (In his sparse, functional but futuristic office, MAVIC CHEN'S curved desk separates him from his Security Chief, KARLTON. He resembles one of the Technix in that he is perfectly bald and he has a pronounced limp. LIZAN is also standing in front of MAVIC CHEN'S desk with a sheaf of papers, while MAVIC CHEN himself looks at a monitor. On the monitor revolves a three-dimensional identity projection of BRET VYON. ) MAVIC CHEN: So that's our traitor. LIZAN: Yes - Bret Vyon. Bred on Mars, Colony Sixteen. Joined Space Security Service, 3990. Gained First Rank, 3995. Gained Second Rank, 3998. MAVIC CHEN: (Pleased.) You have a good memory. LIZAN: Thank you, Guardian. (CHEN nods at the monitor.) MAVIC CHEN: And he looks like that? LIZAN: Exactly like that. How could he look otherwise? Guardian, have you no faith in computerised data? MAVIC CHEN: Every faith. But this information is vital. The man is dangerous and must be caught. I would hate there to be any mistake... LIZAN: (Soothing.) A mistake is impossible. Our computer network contains precise chemical details of every man, woman, and child within our Solar System. MAVIC CHEN: There are forty billion people in the Solar System. Doesn't that provide some scope for error? LIZAN: (Positive.) There is no scope for error. (MAVIC CHEN thinks about it for a little while and then leans forward to address the two agents.) MAVIC CHEN: Very well, have it sent out to all stations. Now, what about Gantry, the other traitor? LIZAN: We're working on his Identity Projection now. It should be ready shortly. KARLTON: Since Vyon is in command, I gave priority to his Projection. MAVIC CHEN: Excellent! (CHEN walks across his office.) MAVIC CHEN: Excellent! Vyon and Gantry were the two who never reported in from the planet Kembel, am I right? LIZAN: Yes, Guardian. MAVIC CHEN: Then they are the two who took over my Spar. It's possible they may be in association with some other creatures. But we don't know... where from. KARLTON: (Silkily.) When you catch Vyon and Gantry, you catch them, too. (MAVIC CHEN turns and gazes at LIZAN.) MAVIC CHEN: You've done well. I want all Space Security agents called back to Earth. If the traitors are not caught at the landing zone, then Central City must be cordoned off until they are found. (LIZAN turns to leave but MAVIC CHEN calls her back.) MAVIC CHEN: And Lizan! They will be killed on sight. Give out the instruction. LIZAN: Yes, Guardian. (LIZAN leaves the office. MAVIC CHEN and KARLTON look at each other in satisfaction.) MAVIC CHEN: I think that takes care of that. You know, Karlton, some of your agents are getting too good. We don't want to, er, spoil things for ourselves at this stage. KARLTON: They won't. I've already insisted that all future operations shall be cleared with me before they're begun. (MAVIC CHEN stares at KARLTON with a stern face.) MAVIC CHEN: If you'd done that in the first place, we wouldn't be in this spot. KARLTON: (Defensively.) Cory's mission was one that he kept to himself. It was done without official sanction of any kind. MAVIC CHEN: And you could hardly have stopped the others, after his distress signal. (Sardonically.) You must do better than that. I would hate to have to lose you. KARLTON: You know you can trust me! (MAVIC CHEN looks away and a faint smile appears over KARLTON'S face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. SPAR SHIP (BRET VYON looks worriedly over the controls.) BRET VYON: Look, the drive force is very weak. DOCTOR: But can we land? BRET VYON: Yes, but I don't know what'll happen. The pull is too hard. STEVEN: We can't crash now! BRET VYON: I'm afraid I may not be able to help it. STEVEN: Yes, well remember, Bret, we've got some valuable cargo on board. DOCTOR: Mmm. BRET VYON: What, the Taranium? STEVEN: (Smiling.) And the Doctor. (The DOCTOR, behind them, has heard STEVEN'S last words.) DOCTOR: Yes, I heard that! Now, don't concern yourselves over me. I can look after myself. The most important factor is this Taranium. (BRET checks over the instruments.) BRET VYON: That's it. Stand by! (They clutch onto the console and the ship powers down as they touch down at the Experimental Station.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. EARTH. GUARDIAN'S OFFICE (MAVIC CHEN paces the room in impatience.) MAVIC CHEN: Only because of the Taranium am I on the council! KARLTON: (Calmly.) It will be returned. MAVIC CHEN: (Hissing.) It's got to be! (He walks across the room.) MAVIC CHEN: I want that position, right beside the Daleks. I'll govern the Universe! KARLTON: Surely Trantis will be first after the Daleks? (MAVIC CHEN stops pacing and shouts dismissively.) MAVIC CHEN: Trantis! Trantis! They don't like him. Agreed that his is the largest galaxy, but he's already demanding too much say in what goes on. They'll want him out of the way... and I have a plan which may help them to achieve just that! (His face takes on a contemplative look.) MAVIC CHEN: Then it'll be me, Mavic Chen, who'll be next in line! KARLTON: (Softly.) And I will be there, behind you. MAVIC CHEN: Of course! KARLTON: Of course. (Something about KARLTON'S tone brings MAVIC CHEN'S attention to the present crisis.) MAVIC CHEN: (Sharply.) Is your Special Force dealing with Bret Vyon? KARLTON: Not completely. I thought it wiser to use some of the ordinary Security men. MAVIC CHEN: Hmm, very good. We'll need your men next time. Who's in command? (KARLTON gives MAVIC CHEN a significant look.) KARLTON: Kingdom. (MAVIC CHEN'S face changes to one of absolute delight.) MAVIC CHEN: Kingdom! Ruthless, hard, efficient! And, er, does exactly as ordered. KARLTON: Quite. (A buzzer arouses them. KARLTON picks up a communications device on the desk. He presses it to his ear and listens for a moment.) KARLTON: (Into communicator.) Ah ha! (He listens.) I see. (Listens.) Carry out Emergency Plan D. (He places the communicator back.) KARLTON: The traitors have arrived. MAVIC CHEN: Good. KARLTON: But not at the landing area. (MAVIC CHEN'S pleased expression vanishes.) MAVIC CHEN: What? KARLTON: They have crash-landed at the Experimental Station. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CORRIDOR (The three fugitives are in the complex of the Experimental Station. BRET cautiously opens a door in the wall of a bland corridor and looks into the darkness beyond.) BRET VYON: No one here. We'll have to wait. Come on! (They go into the room and close the door behind them. Just after they have gone, a Technic turns the corner and walks past the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. EARTH. GUARDIAN'S OFFICE (MAVIC CHEN waits alone for the next development, writing on some papers at his desk. Soon, KARLTON appears in the room and stands next to the doorway.) KARLTON: Kingdom is here. MAVIC CHEN: Good. (He calls out in a hearty voice...) MAVIC CHEN: Come in, Kingdom, come in! (A young, beautiful, long-haired woman enters the room. She stands to attention in front of MAVIC CHEN. Her SSS uniform fits her like a glove and the long, well-polished boots add to the trim figure. His face shows no trace of warmth or emotion.) MAVIC CHEN: You know what's happened? (SARA'S voice is clear and as cold as ice.) SARA KINGDOM: Yes. MAVIC CHEN: Do you know how many there are? SARA KINGDOM: Three - Bret Vyon and two strangers. They look as though they could come from Earth, but are oddly dressed. None of them can leave the plant. MAVIC CHEN: Good. SARA KINGDOM: They're in the main block. I'm going to capture them myself. (She turns to leave.) MAVIC CHEN: Before you do that...! (CHEN gets up and walks round to her.) MAVIC CHEN: There is something you have to know. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. OFFICE (The DOCTOR, BRET VYON and STEVEN wait in the empty office. It is futuristic and slightly luxurious in style. STEVEN is growing impatient.) STEVEN: Look, where on earth is this Daxtar? BRET VYON: He shouldn't be long. DOCTOR: Well, I think we're wasting valuable time sitting around here waiting for this man, Baxtar or Daxtor or what... whatever he calls himself, hmm! BRET VYON: Doctor, Daxtar's in a position to help us. DOCTOR: Oh, but surely everyone must know that Chen's spaceship has crash-landed only a short distance away from here. There must be hundreds of people looking for us! Ho! BRET VYON: Doctor, there are very few people allowed near this place, it's a restricted area. Look, don't you understand that Chen will probably have returned to Earth by this time. He'd have realised that I was on man on the planet Kembel. I expect we're wanted men by this time. DOCTOR: But this is an experimental plant! There's no scientists, no staff, nobody! We might just as well have landed ourselves on an empty planet. What on Earth is happening? (He gives a short laugh.) BRET VYON: Doctor, I don't know any more than you do. DOCTOR: Has it occurred to you, by any chance, that we might have deliberately walked into an ambush? Mmm? Hmm! STEVEN: What's the point in standing here just waiting to be caught? BRET VYON: (Exasperated.) Because Daxtar is the only man who will believe our story. DAXTAR: What story? (The three turn to see a middle-aged man stood in the doorway.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. EARTH. GUARDIAN'S OFFICE (MAVIC CHEN finishes giving his instructions to SARA KINGDOM.) MAVIC CHEN: So you will understand that it's absolutely essential that this emm of Taranium is returned to me. SARA KINGDOM: Of course. Every precaution for its safety will be taken. MAVIC CHEN: Good. See to it. (SARA turns and marches from the room. KIRKSEN watches her go and turns back to CHEN.) KARLTON: She actually believed you. MAVIC CHEN: Of course. KARLTON: I thought for a moment you were really going to tell her about the Daleks. MAVIC CHEN: Oh come! We need that Taranium back, but we can't allow any more people to know the plan. KARLTON: I was watching her all the time. She never doubted anything, even momentarily. MAVIC CHEN: A good security agent. A heroic war cry to apparent peaceful ends is one of the greatest weapons a politician has. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. OFFICE (DAXTAR has been briefed over the situation.) DAXTAR: (Incredulously.) Mavic Chen? The Daleks? I can't believe it! BRET VYON: The Doctor saw it. DOCTOR: Quite true. And then he gave a rather pompous speech of self-satisfaction and handed over the core of the Time Destructor to the Daleks. STEVEN: Yes, they intend to capture or destroy the Solar System - and Chen is helping them. DAXTAR: But why? DOCTOR: A lust for more power than he already has - universal power! DAXTAR: It's incredible! STEVEN: Oh don't worry about its incredibility! We've got to do something to stop it. DOCTOR: Yes, quite so. (To BRET.) So, whatever plans you have, it's essential that Steven and I return to the planet Kembel. I want to recover something of unique value. DAXTAR: (Worried.) You didn't leave the Taranium there? STEVEN: No, no, the Doctor has it. DAXTAR: Good. That gives us a little time. (The DOCTOR starts to look worried.) BRET VYON: Very little. We've got to move fast. DAXTAR: Of course. We must get down to the security buildings at once. The planets must all be alerted. A combined task force must be sent off to Kembel immediately. (DAXTAR is about to open the door.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) No! (VYON turns and stares in annoyed astonishment at the DOCTOR, who stands erect, looking straight at DAXTAR.) BRET VYON: What do you mean, Doctor? What are you playing at? DOCTOR: I suggest you ask Daxtar what he is playing at. DAXTAR: (Bewildered.) I don't understand. Look, this situation must be dealt with at once! DOCTOR: What price is Mavic Chen paying you for your treachery, hmm? BRET VYON: Treachery? I've know this man all my life. He's no traitor. DOCTOR: Long acquaintance is no guarantee for honesty. Ask him! (His voice rising.) Ask him how he came to know that the core of their Time Destructor was Taranium, hmm! (VYON stares at DAXTAR who looks indignant.) DAXTAR: (Shouts.) Don't be so ridiculous! One of you mentioned it when you were telling me. Why you, yourself, mentioned it when you said how Chen handed the stuff over. DOCTOR: (Shouts.) I did not, sir! How long have you been in this conspiracy? DAXTAR: (Shouts.) What conspiracy? DAXTAR: (Shouts.) You're making a stupid mistake! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) There is you, and Chen, and how many of the others? Or what others are involved? (A desperate DAXTAR turns to VYON for help.) DAXTAR: Look, Bret. You've known me for many years. You know I wouldn't be mixed up in anything like this? BRET VYON: (Coldly.) How did you know about the Taranium? (DAXTAR points at the DOCTOR.) DAXTAR: (Shouts.) He told me! For heaven's sake, you must have heard him. (He looks at STEVEN.) DAXTAR: You too! BRET VYON: Traitor! (He pulls his gun out. DAXTAR freezes with horror and then VYON fires. The blast catches DAXTAR and, with a scream, he falls. STEVEN and the DOCTOR look on, appalled.) DOCTOR: (Fuming.) You brainless idiot! How many times have I told you about taking lives? (VYON looks at him as he returns his gun to the holster, unmoved.) DOCTOR: We have other ways and means of dealing with evil doers. BRET VYON: (Unmoved.) He deserved worse. DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Possibly! But now we shall never know whom we can trust! [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (The Communications DALEK turns from the console and approaches the DALEK SUPREME. TRANTIS stands nearby and two other DALEKS are at their consoles.) DALEK: A signal from the planet Earth. DALEK SUPREME: Report. DALEK: Mavic Chen has almost recaptured the Taranium Core and will be returning with it to land here in two Earth days. DALEK SUPREME: Have the fugitives been exterminated? DALEK: The report did not say. But it is believed that they come from the tenth galaxy under the leadership of Trantis. (TRANTIS, hearing this, is furious and walks across the room to confront them.) TRANTIS: That is not true. It is a plot by Mavic Chen to discredit me! He is jealous of my power in the outer galaxies. DALEK SUPREME: We shall see. (To the DALEK.) Has the report been confirmed? DALEK: No. It was a suspicion by the Earth people. TRANTIS: It is Chen! He is trying to undermine the balance of the Galactic Council. DALEK SUPREME: When Mavic Chen returns we shall discover the truth. By then, those who stole the Taranium will have been identified and exterminated! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. OFFICE (VYON has picked up DAXTAR'S body and hidden it in a corner. He returns to the DOCTOR and STEVEN.) BRET VYON: I'm going to get into the security building and send out the warning myself. DOCTOR: And how do you propose to do that? STEVEN: Yes, we're probably being searched for now by other "friends" of Chen. I mean, Daxtar clearly knew about the disappearance of the Taranium. DOCTOR: Yes. Possibly, we filled in the story long before he gave himself away. BRET VYON: I could try and bluff my way out. (The DOCTOR looks at BRET dismissively.) BRET VYON: Well, it's worth a try! (There is silence from the DOCTOR.) BRET VYON: Well, you haven't thought of a better idea. DOCTOR: Yes, possible. If you hadn't killed Daxtar, of course, there wouldn't be any need to. STEVEN: Of course there would. We wouldn't have been able to believe anything he said. DOCTOR: Well, there's not much point in standing here discussing it any longer. We shall have to try out your scheme, though I very much doubt of any sort of success that it might have. (They turn to leave but before they leave, the door slides open and SARA KINGDOM walks in.) BRET VYON: Sara! SARA KINGDOM: (Icily calm.) Bret. BRET VYON: You're just the person we need. SARA KINGDOM: I doubt that. (She pulls out her gun and covers each of the three men.) SARA KINGDOM: Which of you has the Taranium? (VYON takes a step forward, and SARA covers him.) BRET VYON: (Shouts.) Run for it! (STEVEN pushes SARA and he and the DOCTOR manage to run out of the room. However, BRET VYON isn't so lucky and he manages to get himself covered again with the gun.) SARA KINGDOM: (Icily.) Give me the Taranium! BRET VYON: (Pleading.) Sara! Please listen... SARA KINGDOM: (Firmly.) Give me the Taranium! BRET VYON: (Shocked.) You too? (He reaches for his gun but SARA fires and hits VYON who collapses on the floor. SARA crosses to the body and searches him for the core. She moves to the door and into the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. EARTH. EXPERIMENTAL STATION. CORRIDOR SARA KINGDOM: (Shouts.) Borkar! Borkar, where are you? (BORKAR, another security guard, comes running in from the other end of the corridor.) BORKAR: Yes? SARA KINGDOM: The two fugitives have escaped. All exits to the main block are to be guarded. (BORKAR points his gun at the body of BRET VYON who lies out of sight in the office.) BORKAR: That's Bret Vyon! SARA KINGDOM: Yes, he's dead. The others must be killed as well. They will be shot on sight... (BORKAR runs off to obey the order. SARA calls after him.) SARA KINGDOM: But aim for the head!

Plan: A: Missing episode; Q: What is the title of this episode? A: the year 4000; Q: In what year did the Daleks conspire to conquer the Solar System? A: a weapon; Q: What do the Daleks use to destroy the fabric of time? A: catastrophe; Q: What is the word for a disaster? A: their lives; Q: What is the guarantee that the Doctor and his friends will escape with? Summary: Missing episode In the year 4000, the Daleks conspire to conquer the Solar System. Their scheme involves treachery at the highest levels and a weapon capable of destroying the very fabric of time. Only the Doctor and his friends can prevent catastrophe - and there is no guarantee they will escape with their lives...

Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to move Joey's chair and not having much luck at it as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Joey: What are you doing? Rachel: Well, y'know I was thinking of moving the couch over here. Joey: (laughs) Why would you want to do that? Rachel: So that there will be a decent place for me to sit. Joey: Rach, there is a decent place to... Rachel: And your lap does not count! Okay? Come on help me move this. Joey: No. No. No. Rachel: No? Joey: No. Rosita does not move. Rachel: I'm sorry, Rosita? As in... Joey: As in Rosita does not move. Rachel: Joey, it's just a chair! What's the big deal? Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it's at the perfect angle so you don't get any glare coming of off Stevie. Rachel: Stevie the TV? Joey: (glaring at her) Is there a problem? Rachel: No! (Joey sets his beer and bag of chips down and heads into his room.) Oh what does he know! Come on Rosita, us chichas got to stick together! (She tries pulling on the back of the chair, until the hinge breaks and the back falls off.) You bitch! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are on the couch talking. Phoebe is getting coffee.] Ross: Hey, y'know what's weird? After you guys get married, when you introduce me to people you're gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-law Ross." Not, "My friend Ross," "brother-in-law Ross." That's weird isn't it? Chandler: Couldn't I just say, "This is Ross?" Ross: (disappointed) Sure, do whatever you want. (Phoebe sits down between Chandler and Ross.) Monica: (entering, carrying a newspaper) Hey Ross! So, I was checking out the uh, real estate section... Ross: Yeah? Monica: Look at this. (Hands him the newspaper.) Ross: Oh, it looks like mom and dad's house. Oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic is...Oh my God!! Phoebe: What? What happened to the window in the attic?! Monica: I can't believe mom and dad are selling the house! Ross: I can't believe they-they didn't even tell us! Phoebe: I can't believe I still don't know what happened to the window in the attic! (Ross calls his parents on his cell phone.) Ross: (on phone) Uh, hello dad! Monica and I just saw the house in the paper! (Listens) Yes we're surprised! (Listens) Who did you leave a message with? Chandler: (knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is examining the injury to Rosita while Rachel is apologizing to him.] Rachel: Joey, Joey I am so sorry. Joey: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, and you said don't, and I did it anyway and her head fell off? Rachel: Okay, come on-Joey, I'll buy you a new one! All right? We'll go down to the store right now and we'll-we'll get you a new chair. Joey: (slowly turning and glaring at her) She's not even cold yet! Rachel: But don't you think Rosita would've wanted you to move on? I mean y'know, she did always put...your comfort first. Joey: That's true. (Rachel turns for the door and makes the "Wow!" face.) Rachel: (grabbing her coat) Okay? You ready? Joey: Yeah, I... (Shuts off the TV.) I don't want Stevie to see her like this. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Monica are still going on about the house.] Ross: I can't believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in. Man, some-some stranger's gonna be living in my room. Monica: Well, after 15 years of mom and dad keeping it as a shrine to you, it's time the velvet ropes came down. Ross: They kept your room for a while. Monica: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria's Secret catalogues, not a gym! Ross: Come on, you know they love you. Monica: As much as they love you? Ross: I was their first born! They thought she was barren! It's not my fault. Phoebe: (entering) Hey. Ross: Hey. Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Ugh, I hate this year! Ross: What's wrong with this year? Phoebe: Well okay, it's already February and I've only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world! Monica: That was me and Ross. Phoebe: Oh that's right! Ross: Hey, y'know if you want to pick up some extra cash? Some friends of mine made good money doing telemarketing. Monica: Oh that's a great idea. You're really good on the phone. Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. Y'know, I probably wouldn't have to say spank as much. (Monica and Ross are shocked.) Ross: What? Phoebe: Oh yeah, like you never called! [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is getting shown to her desk by the supervisor.] Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can. Phoebe: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office. Supervisor: (laughs) Why don't we do a trial run. Phoebe: Oh okay. Umm, all right. (Picks up the phone and starts reading from the script.) Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? Supervisor: I'm the supply manager. Phoebe: Umm, okay I would like to talk to you about your toner needs. Supervisor: We don't need any toner. Phoebe: Oh okay, well I'm sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. (Hangs up the phone.) Yeah you're right, this is easy. Supervisor: Okay, what was wrong with that call? Phoebe: Oh well, all right...um, no offense, but you were kind of rude. Supervisor: They're always going to tell you they don't need toner, but that's okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script. Phoebe: Oh. Supervisor: So, I think you're ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions? Phoebe: No. (Pause) Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is entering.] Chandler: Joey! Joe! (Sees that he's not here and starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beer's still cold. Something terrible must've happened here! (He decides it's not that important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.) [Scene: Ross and Monica's parent's garage, Ross and Monica are arriving to go through their things. Mr. Geller is in the garage.] Ross: Dad? Mr. Geller: I'm here! Ross: (entering with Monica) Hey! Mr. Geller: Hi. God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work. Ross: Dad, we-we can't believe you're selling the house. Mr. Geller: Well, it's time for a new family to start their memories here and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling. Ross: (To Monica) Let's grab our stuff and get the hell out of here. Mr. Geller: I'm sorry we can't store your childhood things anymore. Monica: Oh, that's okay, I can't wait to see everything again! All of the memories... Mr. Geller: Well, I don't know what's in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic. Monica: I used to love to play restaurant. Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater. Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies! (She goes to the attic.) Mr. Geller: So, I think you're boxes are over here. (They walk over to them.) Ross: Wow! Great! (Finds a pack of cigarettes.) Wait, dad who-who's cigarettes are these? Mr. Geller: I don't know. They-they must be your mother's, but please, please don't ask her. I'll throw these away. (He puts them in his pocket as Ross finds something of interest in one of his boxes.) Ross: Cool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check this out dad, (reading his grades) Math, A. Science, A. History, A. Gym...(He puts it away and finds something else.) Oooh, my rock polisher! Mr. Geller: Oh look, look there's your old makeup kit! Ross: It's a clown kit! Clown kit! Mr. Geller: Well, the white seems to be untouched. (He throws it back into the box as Mr. Geller moves a tarp and makes a discovery.) Uh-oh. Ross: What? Mr. Geller: Y'know how the garage floods every Spring? Ross: How are you ever going to sell this place? Mr. Geller: I think I accidentally used Monica's boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche. Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What...(He goes to open one of her boxes and it rips apart.) Oh God...everything's ruined! Dad, she's gonna be crushed! Mr. Geller: You don't secretly smoke do you? Ross: No! Mr. Geller: So it's just your mother then. [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is hard at work.] Phoebe: (on phone) Hi, this Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? (Listens) Earl, thanks. (Listens) Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs. (She's reading from the script.) [Cut to Earl's office, who is played by Jason Alexander, George from Seinfeld. They cut back and forth between Phoebe's and Earl's offices with each of their lines.] Earl: I don't need any toner. Phoebe: I'm hearing what you're saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner. Earl: Not me. Phoebe: May I ask why? Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why? Phoebe: I surely do! Earl: Okay, I don't need any toner because I'm going to kill myself. (Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted response to that line.) Phoebe: (doesn't have any luck) Umm, is-is that because you're out of toner? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still talking to Earl.] Earl: Okay, so...no toner today. Thanks anyway, bye-bye. Phoebe: No-no wait-wait! I can't just let you hang up! Just please talk to me. Earl: Well...I only have one thing to do today. (He looks at his board in his office that reads, "Today's Tasks: KILL SELF.") I guess I could push it back. Phoebe: Yeah! Now, why do you want to kill yourself? Earl: It's just that I uh, have been working for ten years now at this meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows I exist! Phoebe: Chandler? Earl: I-I'm sorry? Phoebe: No look, I-I'm sure that people know you exist! Earl: Oh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people. I've been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no one's even looked up from their desk. Hang-hang on. (To the people standing around his cubicle.) Hey everybody! Uh, I'm gonna kill myself! (There's no response; no one even looks up.) I'll get back to ya. (To Phoebe) I got nothing. Wait. (He sets the phone down.) Uh, hey Marge! (Mimes putting a gun to his head, pulling the trigger, and splattering his brain on the wall behind him. Then points to himself. Marge watches this, then goes back to work.) (To Phoebe) Ehh, nothing. Nothing. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler has replaced Rosita with his chair.] Chandler: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.) Rachel: You will like it! Joey: No I won't. (Chandler runs to check on them coming up the stairs.) Rachel: You don't even know! Joey: Because, I know what I like and what I don't like! It's not the same thing! (Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his apartment and quickly starts pushing the base into his apartment.) Rachel: Well look, if you don't like this...(The audience's laughter at Chandler's progress cuts out the rest of Rachel's line.) Joey: I don't know why you say that so soon. (Joey and Rachel reach the landing just as Chandler closes the door.) Rachel: Come on Joey, I just bought you a new chair! The most expensive one in the store! Hey, y'know what I was thinking? We could name her Francette. Joey: Francette? What is she? A couch? (They enter their apartment.) Joey: Poor thing. Cut down in her prime. Rachel: Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour. Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here. Y'know, start the heeling process? Joey: Well, I guess you're right. Maybe, maybe I'll take her down to the incinerator. It's gonna be so said, and kinda cool. (He goes to remove the back, but it doesn't come off. So he sits down in it, puts his feet up, stands up, and looks back at it.) She's heeled! Rachel: That's weird. Joey: No it's not weird, it's a miracle! Rachel: It's not a miracle Joey! I'm sure there's some explanation. Joey: Oh there is! If you want something enough and your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen! Rachel: Joey, I really don't... Joey: (interrupting her) Can you tell me how this happened? Rachel: Well no. Joey: Miracle! Rachel: No, y'know what? Maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! Or something! Joey: Someone like an...angel? Rachel: That's right Joey, the chair angel came in and heeled your chair. (She sits down in the chair.) Joey: (angrily) Get your non-believer ass outta my chair! (She gets up and heads for her room.) [Scene: The Geller's Garage, continued from earlier. Ross and Mr. Geller are still deciding what to do.] Mr. Geller: Well, she'll understand right? It's not like I did it on purpose. Ross: Dad that won't matter to her. Look, all my stuff is safe and dry and all her is-is, is growing new stuff! See, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes her think you guys love me more than you love her. Mr. Geller: Oh my God, does she really thinks that? Ross: Well, can you blame her? Mr. Geller: Well I don't know, I-I suppose we may have favored you unconsciously, you were a medical marvel! The doctor said your mother could... Ross: Dad, dad I don't want to hear about it. Mr. Geller: Really? Ross: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica came here for some memories and damnit, we're gonna give her some! Okay, grab...grab some empty boxes. Okay? We'll-we'll take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers we'll-we'll put 'em in their. Mr. Geller: Great! Ross: Like uh y'know like this! This! (He picks up one of those art projects that kids make in kindergarten and first grade.) She-she could've made this! Mr. Geller: Sure! Ross: Right? And this! (He picks up a trophy) She-she could've won this! Mr. Geller: (grabbing a glove) This could've been hers! Ross: Sure! Ooh-ooh, what about this? Mr. Geller: Your make-up kit? I'd feel better. (Ross angrily throws the kit into one of Monica's new boxes.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting the now heeled Rosita as Rachel is sitting in the newly arrived Francette. Francette is one of those new chairs from La-Z-Boy that has and does everything except cook and go to the bathroom for you. It's got a small refrigerator under one armrest it has phone jacks for the Internet and regular phone, and so much more.] Rachel: (grabbing a beer out of the chair's fridge) I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself! Joey: Yeah, me too. (He flips up his armrest in disgust.) Rachel: Hey, how's...how's the uh, miracle chair? Joey: Fine. Rachel: Yeah? Wow! Y'know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest! Joey: No. Really? Rachel: Yeah! You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio! Joey: (quietly) My chair heels itself. [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still trying to talk Earl out of suicide.] Phoebe: Earl, you're not hearing me! All I'm saying is that you're not alone all right? Everybody hates the people they work with! (One of her coworkers overhears that, and she mimes that she didn't mean him.) Guy: (walking past Earl's desk) Hey guy! Phoebe: Wait, what was that? That sounded like someone being nice to you. Earl: No! That's just the "Hey Guy" guy. He says that to everybody! He's the worst! I'd like to take him with me! Phoebe: All right so Earl, let's just forget about the people at the office, okay? There-there's gotta be someone else in your life worth sticking around for! What about-what about your family, your friends, or maybe your girlfriend? Earl: (laughs) Yeah! Right! Phoebe: Oh sorry, boyfriend! Earl: Oh no. Phoebe: No, whatever! Anything! The "Hey Guy" Guy: Hey guy! Phoebe: Yeah, he's gotta go. Earl: Okay, I should, I should probably be getting back to my thing now. See ya. (Hangs up.) Phoebe: No! I'm not finished yet! Don't! Don't you dare hang up on me!!! Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new girl's good. [Scene: The Geller's Garage, Mr. Geller and Ross are finishing up recreating Monica's memories as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey guys! Hey! Ross: Hey. Monica: Hey, I just whipped us up some Easy Bake treats, they should be ready in about three days. Mr. Geller: (overacting) That's a good one! Do you hear that Ross? Three days! Ross: (overacting as well) Yeah! Yeah! (Laughs.) Oh, this will make a great memory. Monica: (wary) Okay. So, which boxes are mine? Ross: Well, these. These are yours right here. (Pointing to the boxes they just created for her.) Monica: Okay. (Starting to go through them) Oh! A coloring book! (Holding it up.) Ross: Yeah. Yeah, oh you loved that thing. You always had it with you. You never went anywhere without-without that coloring book. Monica: (looking through it) Really? Wow! It looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines. Ross: Nu-uh! (Grabs it and examines it.) Monica: (holding up a glove) Oh, an old glove? Mr. Geller: Oh, yeah you loved that glove! You took it every place you went. You never went any place without that glove. Monica: Wow! Look at this! (Picking up a shirt.) I can't believe I even fit into this shirt! (She holds it up and it reads: Tyrannosaurus Ross.) (She turns it around and looks at it.) Oh, this is yours. (Hands it to Ross.) Ross: Oh, I don't know how that got in there. Monica: (holding up a small cowboy hat) This isn't mine. (Sets it down and looks at the rest of the boxes.) Hey, this isn't, this isn't my stuff! Ugh, Ross! (Grabs and holds up a doll.) These are your boxes! Where are my boxes? Ross: Umm, your boxes are umm... Monica: What? Ross: Dad? Mr. Geller: Well, the garage flooded sweetie and it ruined everything in your boxes. I'm sorry. Monica: Just mine? Mr. Geller: I'm afraid so. Monica: So why-why wasn't Ross's stuff ruined? (Pause) And if you say the words medical marvel I'm going to Easy Bake your head! Mr. Geller: Well, I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche. Monica: So wait, Ross's stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water!!! Mr. Geller: There was also leaves and guk and stuff. Monica: I can't believe this! (Storms out.) Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Screw it! I'm having one. (Takes out and lights a cigarette.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is writing a letter by the bay window as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hey Chandler! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: How would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers in the head rest? Chandler: Yeah, I'd love to but I've tried that so many times they won't even let me in the store anymore. Rachel: Well what if I told you, you can do it in my apartment? Chandler: (excitedly) Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year? Rachel: I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000. (Which is an actual product by the way, I'm not sure about the 3000 part.) Chandler: That's awesome! That's great! What made you do it?! Rachel: Well, it's a long story, but umm I broke Joey's chair... Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joey's chair? Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: I thought I broke Joey's chair! That's why I replaced it with mine! Rachel: Ohhhhh. That's how it got fixed! Chandler: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it? Rachel: Noo! (Laughs) Angels. Chandler: I'm gettin' my chair back! (Heads for Joey and Rachel's.) Rachel: What? Wh-hey! (They enter Joey and Rachel's to find that Joey has broken Chandler's chair.) Joey: Well, it looks like it wasn't heeled after all! Yeah! So, I guess this chair is mine now! (Sits down in it and groans.) Chandler: Joey you broke my chair!! Joey: Your chair?! Rachel: Yeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs! Joey: So, there was no miracle?! Rachel: No Joe, no miracle. Joey: (sarcastic) Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. I'm so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life. Rachel: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you don't get that chair anymore! All right? That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! (Joey starts to get up.) No I take that back! Chandler: I think I should get the chair! (Rachel and Joey both laugh at that suggestion.) Joey: How do you figure? Chandler: Because you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair! The only one around here that hasn't broke a chair, is me! Rachel: No-no-no! This chair's not going anywhere. Chandler: Well, where's the logic in that?! Rachel: The logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half! Chandler: So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing! (Joey whispers in Rachel's ear to confirm his response.) Joey: That's right! Chandler: What are you guys? Like a gang or something?! (They confer again.) Joey: Yeah! We are! (Rachel whispers in Joey's ear.) Rachel: We're the Cobras! [Scene: Earl's Office, Earl has his head in his hands as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: (to Marge) Excuse me! Can you tell me where I can find Earl? He's the supply manager around here. Marge: Sorry, I don't know any Earl. Earl: (screaming) I'm right here!!!! Phoebe: (goes over to his desk) Earl! I'm Phoebe. Earl: Phoebe? The lady who sells toner? Phoebe: Umm, look it, you-you can't kill yourself. Earl: (exhales) Look, um I really appreciate your coming down... Phoebe: No-no I can't! I can't let you do it! Earl: Why?! Phoebe: Because it was fate that made me call you today! Earl: I thought it was toner. Phoebe: No! Think about it okay? This isn't even my regular job! Okay? And my first day on the job, you're my first call! And-and somebody else might've hung up on you, but I wouldn't do that because I know about this stuff. My mom killed herself. Earl: Really?! Phoebe: Yes. Earl: How? Phoebe: I'm not gonna give you tips! Look don't you see that this-this...this all came together so that I could stop you from doing this. Earl: Couldn't it just be a coincidence? Phoebe: No, it's fate! Earl: It doesn't really seem like enough to be fate. Phoebe: Oh. Well umm, okay here's a weird thing. My mother was also a supply manager. Earl: I'm actually the office manager. Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! And! Get this, okay? Your-your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl, P-Earl. Earl: Well, was there anything else?! Phoebe: Sure! (Thinks.) Umm, where are you from? Earl: Philadelphia. Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! Oh, I've got-I've got goose bumps. (She holds out her arm.) Earl: (inspecting it) Really? Phoebe: Well, y'know I'm wearing layers and it's warm. Earl: Yeah-yeah. Phoebe: But if-no look, okay. These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! And that says a lot! Earl: (To All) Did you hear that?! I don't need you guys to care about me! Because the universe cares! The whole universe! (Laughs as everyone ignores him.) (To Phoebe) I really wished they'd care just a little bit though. Phoebe: Y'know, I don't-I don't think it's you. This is a freaky place. (To All) Hey! Guys! (Everyone looks up.) (To Earl) Oh no, it's you. Earl: Yeah. [Scene: The Geller's Garage, Monica is picking through her ruined childhood heirlooms with Ross.] Monica: Oh, this terrible! Everything is destroyed! Look at this. (She picks up some kind of furry thing.) It obviously meant enough for me to save it, and I don't even know what it is! Ohh, it's still soft. (She rubs it against her cheek.) What do you think this is? Ross: All right. I think it was a mouse. (Monica screams, throws the mouse down, and rubs her hands on Ross's sweater to clean them.) Mr. Geller: (entering) How are you honey? Monica: How do you think I am?! You've wrecked all my childhood memories. You love Ross more than me. And I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face! (Ross gets up to let his dad sit next to Monica.) Mr. Geller: Sweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross! Now, I'm sorry about everything that happened and I'd probably never be able to make it up to you, but here's a start. (He hands her a small box.) Monica: (opening it) What's this? Mr. Geller: It's the key to my Porsche. Well, the key to your Porsche. Monica: (shocked) What?! Ross: (even more shocked) What?!!! Mr. Geller: I've been thinking about getting rid of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my reflection in a store window. Your mother's right, I do look like an ass. Monica: Wait, you're giving me your Porsche, you're kidding me right?! Ross: Well w-w-w-w-wait, w-wait, wait, wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a Porsche?! Mr. Geller: (To Monica) Why don't we take it for a spin? Monica: All right! Ross: Well, what about me?! I'm a medical marvel!! Ending Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in Joey's lap on Francette, and they're both groaning.] Joey: Oh yeah. Rachel: Ahhhh.... Joey: Ahhh...... (To Rachel) Eh? Rachel: Uh-huh. Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey! Monica: Do you guys know what happened to Chandler's barca lounger? Rachel: Oh yeah, Joey broke it. Had to get rid of it. Monica: Are you kidding?! I get a Porsche and the barca lounger's gone?! This is the best day ever! (Runs out.)

Plan: A: Rachel; Q: Who goes with Joey to buy a new recliner? A: Chandler; Q: Who secretly swapped his recliner with Joey's? A: Rosita; Q: What is the name of Joey's recliner? A: the luxurious new La-Z-Boy; Q: What does Rachel keep for herself? A: Chandler's chair; Q: What chair does Joey break? A: their childhood home; Q: What do Monica and Ross visit? A: old belongings; Q: What do Monica and Ross go to their childhood home to collect? A: the house; Q: What is being sold? A: Porsche; Q: What kind of car did Monica's father own? A: a flood; Q: What ruined Monica's childhood boxes? A: the garage; Q: Where were Monica's childhood boxes stored? A: Ross' boxes; Q: Whose boxes were protected during the flood? A: Jack; Q: Who gives Monica the Porsche? A: a telemarketing job; Q: What job does Phoebe take? A: printer toner; Q: What does Phoebe sell? A: Earl; Q: What is the name of the customer Phoebe tries to save? A: suicide; Q: What does Phoebe try to save Earl from? Summary: Rachel and Chandler both think they broke Rosita, Joey's recliner. Rachel goes with Joey to buy a new one, while Chandler secretly swaps his recliner with Joey's. Joey believes Rosita has been "healed", so Rachel keeps the luxurious new La-Z-Boy for herself, only for Joey to take it once he accidently breaks Chandler's chair and after they tell him the truth. Meanwhile, Monica and Ross visit their childhood home to collect old belongings before the house is sold. However, Monica learns that all her childhood boxes were used to protect her father's Porsche during a flood in the garage. Hers were ruined, while Ross' boxes were protected. To mollify Monica, Jack, gives her the Porsche, infuriating Ross. Phoebe takes a telemarketing job selling printer toner and tries to save a customer named Earl ( Jason Alexander ) from committing suicide.

[Salvatore's House] (Elena enters Alaric's cell with a bag) Elena: Alaric? Alaric: Yeah? Still me. You know you shouldn't be in here. Defeats the point of the whole being locked in a cellar thing Elena: Well, you still need the basics. Toothbrush, clothes, some boring books to help you sleep (He takes a book from the bag) Alaric: "Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"? (She takes the book from his hands) Elena: What? No, I got... Damon. Thinks he's hilarious Alaric: At least one of us still has a sense of humor Elena: Are you sure that you... I mean, you don't have to be kept in here Alaric: Oh, no, this is... Ah, this is the right place for me to be. At least until you guys can convince my highly uncooperative alter ego to confess where I... or...he hid the white oak stake Elena: We looked everywhere. You...The other you hid it well Alaric: What's Klaus going to do if you can't find it? Elena: It's the only thing that will kill him, so... Wage war. Murder people. You know, Klaus stuff. Listen... (She takes a chair and sits down in front of him) Elena: Stefan is going to watch over you for a little while. Now that Klaus knows where Jeremy is, it's not safe. So... Damon and I are going to go to Denver to pick him up Alaric: Why do you say that like you're waiting for me to disapprove? Elena: I don't know. Me and Damon, traveling across the country Alaric: Well, I guess I'm more curious to hear what Stefan has to say about it Elena: Actually, it was his idea. He thinks that I have some unresolved feelings for Damon Alaric: Do you? Elena: I guess that's why I'm going on this trip. So I can figure it out (Stefan is in front of the fireplace. Damon enters and puts his bag with the others) Damon: Did you hear from Klaus? Stefan: Not yet. I'm sure I will soon, though. He's expecting me to deliver two stakes. I only have one Damon: Well, that's going to be disappointing for him Stefan: I'll get it out of Alaric. I just need some time Damon: I like that confidence, Stefan. I don't share it, but I like it Stefan: You don't think I can do what it takes? Damon: Well, you're good Stefan again. You're in control. Sorry, you might get the girl but you lose the edge. Speaking of... (Elena enters) Damon: Have you ever flown first class? Elena: Who did you have to compel for that? Damon: Please. I used miles (He takes the bags and gets out. Elena looks at him and then looks at Stefan) Elena: Stefan... Stefan: Be safe (She looks at him and leaves) [Mystic Falls' High School] (Everyone is in the cafeteria, preparing something. Caroline enters and looks around her. She finally rejoins Matt) Caroline: What is this? Matt: It's the decade dance. Remember, you made us sign up to help (She looks at the decorations) Caroline: No. (She takes one of the decorations) Caroline: This. The twenties! We're doing the seventies (Rebekah arrives) Rebekah: It's too flashy, people. It's supposed to be a speakeasy, not the world's fair (She rejoins them) Rebekah: Oh, good, you're here. We need help setting up the tables, so get to it Caroline: What do you think you're doing? Rebekah: Somebody has to be in charge Caroline: Yeah, me. I'm the chair of the dance committee. The theme of the decade dance is the 1970s Rebekah: So you'd rather dress in tacky colors with bad hair than be a classic flapper from the jazz age. Honestly, I don't know what my brother sees in you Caroline: Well, maybe he sees a challenge. See, unlike some other people, I don't sleep with everyone I make eye contact with (Matt intervenes) Matt: Maybe we can do both decades Rebekah: No. Go on, Matt, don't be a coward. You know you loved my twenties idea when I presented it to the group (Caroline looks at him) Caroline: Traitor! Matt: Bell bottoms and disco? I don't know, this just seemed cooler Rebekah: See, it's just cooler Caroline: Whatever. Have fun at your stupid dance (She leaves. Rebekah smiles, watches her leaves. Then she looks at Matt and smiles) (Caroline is outside, going to her car. Matt follows her) Matt: Caroline! Wait! (She arrives at her car and turns herself. She's smiling) Caroline: Impressive. You sold it Matt: And you bought yourself a day Caroline: Thank you. Just... keep her occupied. Be careful Matt: You, too. And, uh... Tell him I said hi, ok? [Salvatore's House] (Stefan rejoins Alaric in his cell) Alaric: Do you know how hard it is to fall asleep when that's what you're supposed to do? Stefan: Well, look, I know it's not easy, so...Damon suggested I bring something to... Help speed up the process (He shows him a bottle of alcohol) Alaric: What the hell (He sits. Stefan enters and gives him the bottle and is about to leave) Alaric: You know, I'll feel decidedly less pathetic if I don't drink alone Stefan: Oh, I'm, uh, one step ahead of you (He comes back with a chair and a glass. He sits in front of Alaric. Alaric pours him a glass) Alaric: So...ahem. Road trip, huh? Stefan: Mmm. Yeah, yeah, I needed to stay here Alaric: Why? I mean, why you? You know, it doesn't take much to baby-sit me while I sit here waiting for a psychotic break Stefan: Well, unfortunately, we only have a limited amount of time Alaric: Before what? Stefan: Before we have to resort to other methods Alaric: So you're worried you're going to have to torture it out of me. And you don't think Damon could have done that? Stefan: Look, Elena needed to go on that road trip with Damon. No matter what I go through... To get her back... fighting my blood lust, trying to gain control of my life again... None of that matters if she has feelings for somebody else [Denver] (Damon and Elena arrive at a baseball camp. Jeremy is there, playing) Elena: There he is Jeremy: Next time we compel him, remind me to make him better at baseball Elena: Hey, Jer Jeremy: Elena? (She smiles. Jeremy sees Damon) Jeremy: What's wrong? (Jeremy is out of the batting cage) Damon: Katherine sired us, Rose sired Katherine, all we need to do is find out who sired Rose Jeremy: So you traveled across the country to get me to talk to a dead vampire? Damon: Dead vampire's redundant, but yes Jeremy: Well, I can't. I can talk to Anna and Vickie because I knew them. I've never even met Rose Damon: What good is you dying and coming back to life if you can't talk to a ghost when I need you to? Elena: Rose spent a long time running from Klaus as well. She and Damon were close, so maybe we can use you as a connection Jeremy: Fine, fine. Can we do this later? My friend just got here. And yes, Damon, I actually have some. I'll call you when I'm done Elena: Jer... (She turns herself and sees that Jeremy's friend is Kol. He has a baseball bat in his hands) Elena: Damon, it's Kol! (Kol hits Damon in the face with the bat) Jeremy: What the hell are you doing?! Elena: Jeremy, get back, he's an original! Jeremy: What?! Kol: No hard feelings, mate, but we're not buds (His bat, a wooden one, is broken so he takes another one, in aluminium) Kol: You know, I'll never get used to aluminum but, hey, at least it won't break (He's about to hit Damon again but Damon catches the bat and stabs him with the wooden one. Kol falls on the ground) Jeremy: Did you kill him? Damon: No, but it'll give us a head start. Come on (He takes Elena, who's still chocked) (They're at a motel. They get the bags ot of the car) Damon: For the record, she's the one who wanted to stop in a motel, not me (She looks at him) Jeremy: So where are we? Damon: Corner of somewhere and nowhere where Kol can't find us Jeremy: I can't believe Kol was a vampire Damon: Well, didn't you find it weird that you made a friend so fast? Have you met you? Elena: Not helping (They enter the room) Elena: This should work. Right, Jer? Jeremy: Yeah. It doesn't really matter Damon: All right, Whoopi. What do you need, candles, incense, pottery wheel? (He closes the curtains) Jeremy: That's not how it works Damon: I know, I know. They push from the other side and you pull from this one Jeremy: All right, you, uh, you got a picture of her? (He sits down) Damon: Picture? From what, our trip to Disneyland? Come on, Rose, you're not going to actually make us wait, are you? I know you're obsessed with me (Elena, exasperated by Damon, go sits next to Jeremy) Jeremy: All right, uh, tell me something about her Damon: Um, well, she did this little thing with her tongue (He sits on one of the beds) Elena: Something that matters, Damon Damon: She spent her last day in paradise. Soaking in the sun and reminiscing about what it means to be human. And when death came, she didn't fear it Elena: I was with her on her last day, and she definitely wasn't in paradise Jeremy: It was in the dream he gave her. She's here (Rose has appeared, sitting on the other bed) [The woods] (Caroline is walking and searching. She hears a noise, stops and smiles. She turns herself and sees Tyler. They look at each other) Caroline: Hi Tyler: You have no idea how much I've missed you (They get closer to each other and kiss) [Lockwood cellar] (Caroline and Tyler are kissing and taking their clothes of) [Klaus' Mansion] (Matt is driving Rebekah home) Matt: Here we are. Home sweet home Rebekah: Ok, spill. Why are you being nice to me? Matt: I drove you home. You don't have a car Rebekah: Not just that. I mean... helping me with the dance and standing up to Caroline. I don't buy it Matt: Buy what? Rebekah: The whole gentlemanly thing. After everything my family's done to you. What are you up to? Matt: It's sad that you can't just get a ride home from school without thinking there's some ulterior motive Rebekah: You're right. But I'm probably going to organize the whole dance and then have to compel myself a date (He smiles) Matt: Let's not get crazy. Good-bye, Rebekah Rebekah: Good-bye, Matt. Thanks for the ride home (She gets out of the car and he leaves. She watches him leave and smiles) (She's inside and finds her mother in the living room) Rebekah: Mother... (She rushes towards her, strangles her and pushes her against the wall) Rebekah: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now Esther: Because I'm dying [Denver. A Motel room] (Rose is standing and looking at them) Elena: Is she lonely on the other side? Rose: No. I enjoy it. I was running so much when I was alive. Now I have the freedom to do whatever I want Jeremy: She says not to worry, she's happy Damon: Is she still hot? Rose: Tell him he's still dripping with s*x, too (Jeremy raises his eyebrows and looks at her) Rose: Fine. Tell him I miss him Jeremy: She misses you Rose: And tell him that I'm rooting for him and Elena (He looks at Elena) Jeremy: She, uh, she misses both of you (Elena seems pleased) Rose: Unfortunately I don't have any news on the siring front. Klaus didn't sire me. No original did. It was Mary Porter Jeremy: She was sired by someone named Mary Porter Damon: Ahh, scary Mary. Well, where is she, Rose? Rose: I didn't keep track of her when I was alive, much less now. Tell them to sit tight. Relax. I'll see what I can find out [Salvatore's House] Alaric: You think they got Jeremy by now? Stefan: They should. I haven't heard from them. Elena's worried about him. Now that she can't count on his ring anymore. Alaric: Who knows. Maybe his alter ego's a pot-smoking, hippie pacifist Stefan: Yeah, maybe Alaric: I can't say I thought mine would be so hostile and militant Stefan: Actually, it makes perfect sense. Your wife left you to become a vampire and your girlfriend was killed by one Alaric: He must really hate me. He must really hate me. the failed hunter-slash- drinking buddy of vampires Stefan: Ah. He's too judgmental Alaric: The thing is... he's me. I'm not compelled, I'm not possessed. There's no humanity switch. What drives him... is me Stefan: No. No, he's not you. He's the darkest parts of you. Parts we all have (Klaus enters) Klaus: Well, this is depressing, isn't it? (Stefan gets up. He shows them a stake) Klaus: Oh, and I found this upstairs. Now by my count, there should be one more Stefan: Yeah, well, it's going to take a little more time Klaus: Why, because we're waiting for that one to pass out? (He points at Alaric) Klaus: No, thanks. I think I'll just kill him Stefan: Well, then you won't know the location of the other stake Klaus: I can live with that (He moves forward but Stefan stops him) Stefan: Well, I can't. When we staked Finn, we discovered that killing an original vampire killed its entire bloodline. Now, I don't know which one of you I'm descended from, but I'd really rather not find out by dying, so why don't we just find the stake, destroy it so we can all be safe? Klaus: So the fate of the entire vampire race depends on you finding the stake. And to get it, we need you to pass out (He looks at Alaric) Klaus: Which means that I feel totally justified doing this (He rushes towards Alaric and breaks his neck. Alaric falls dead on the ground) Klaus: There. Sleeping like a baby [Denver. A motel] (Damon is outside. His phone rings. He answers) Damon: There you are. Any sign of Evilaric? Stefan: Nope. Only dead Alaric Damon: What? Stefan: Don't worry, he was wearing his ring. Klaus was here. Let's just say he's not very patient Damon: Kol must have told him we were in Denver. How long has Ric been out? Stefan: A few hours. I'm hoping when he wakes up, it won't be him. It'll be the other him Damon: And if not? Stefan: Yeah, I know. Whatever it takes. So were you able to contact Rose? Damon: Yeah. No answers yet. So we're just stuck in this motel until she gets back to us Stefan: A motel? Damon: Yeah, we had to get away from Kol. I'll call you when I know more (He hangs up) (Elena and Jeremy are in the room. Jeremy is on the bed. Elena is unpacking) Jeremy: So what's up with you and Damon? Elena: What do you mean? Nothing's up Jeremy: You sure about that? 'Cause even Rose said something Elena: What...what did she say? (Damon enters. Elena and Jeremy don't say anything. She's uncomfortable) Damon: Everything ok in here? Elena: Yeah. It's fine Damon: Ok. Well, I'm going to freshen up. You might want to get some rest. I'm sure Rose will make herself known when she gets back (Jeremy looks at Elena) [Klaus' Mansion] (Esther is still here) Rebekah: How are you dying? I thought Ayana had preserved your body with a spell Esther: She did. I'm drawing my power from the Bennett witch line. When Abby died, the connection was severed. So my body is weakened Rebekah: Well, if you've come to spend your last moments with your loving daughter, prepare to be disappointed. You should have spent last time plotting my death Esther: Is that what you think I've been doing on the other side? I've been looking over you for a thousand years of joy and heartbreak. Your fights with Klaus. The nights you cried yourself to sleep calling out my name. Not a day has gone by that I wasn't right there with you Rebekah: And yet you still tried to kill me Esther: Because it shouldn't have been a thousand years, Rebekah. No one should live that long Rebekah: But I haven't lived at all Esther: I'm sorry Rebekah. I'm so, so sorry (She takes Rebekah's hands. She's shaking and she finally collapses. Rebekah looks at her. Klaus enters) Klaus: What's going on? Rebekah: She's dead (She looks at him) [SCENE_BREAK] [Old Lockwood Cellar] (Caroline and Tyler are under a blanket, naked) Tyler: Did I mention I miss you? Bad (She laughs) Caroline: Mmm, at some point, we are going to do this on an actual bed, right? Tyler: Yes. I promise. Once I figure out how to deal with Klaus Caroline: Tell him to suck it. Broke his sire bond. And you won't have to deal with him anymore Tyler: It's easier said than done. Besides, I won't know if it's broken for sure until I test it Caroline: Wait, I thought that's why you were coming back. Because you said you felt different Tyler: I do feel different. I feel freer. Way more myself. All I know is, I just turned about a hundred times in the Appalachian Mountains. If I can get through that, I can get through anything Caroline: Good. Because Klaus might not be our only problem Tyler: Why? What else did I miss? Caroline: Matt killed an original. And then, every vampire that original had ever turned mysteriously died. Right now Damon is desperate to figure out which original created our vampire blood line. And...if he finds out it wasn't Klaus, they're all going to kill him Tyler: But Klaus turned me. So if he dies...I die Caroline: I know that. They know that. Difference is... Damon doesn't care [Denver. A motel room] (Damon goes out of the bathroom, shirtless. Jeremy is sleeping. He takes a bottle of whisky. Elena is in her bed but she's awake. She looks at Damon. He puts his shirt. He looks through the window and then pours himself a glass. Elena can't stop looking at him. He sits down and lay his legs on another chair. Elena is still looking at him. He drinks and finally looks at her. She looks down and closes her eyes. He looks at her and half smiles. She opens her eyes and looks at him again. They look at each other. He gets up and comes lay next to her on the bed) Elena: You never told me about that. What you did for Rose Damon: It wasn't about you Elena: Why you don't let people see the good in you? Damon: Because when people see good, they expect good. And I don't want to have to live up to anyone's expectations (She lays on her back . She seems like she can't breath. She puts her hand on the bed. He touches her hand and takes it in his. She seems overwelmed. He looks at her. She gets up and leaves) (She's outside the room. She puts her jacket on. Damon rejoins her oustide) Elena: Don't Damon: Why not, Elena? (She rushes towards him and kisses him. They kiss passionately and lengthily. They end up against a post. He kisses her on the neck. She takes his face in her hands. They look at each other and kiss. They touch and kiss. Jeremy finally interrupts them) Jeremy: Elena? Elena: Oh, my God. Jeremy Jeremy: Rose found Mary. She lives in Kansas Damon: Ok, then. Let's go (He goes back to the room. Elena and Jeremy look at each other and he finally goes back inside. She seems a little confused) [Salvatore's House] (Stefan is reading in Alaric's cell. Alaric finally wakes up) Stefan: Welcome back Alaric: What happened? Did I, uh... Stefan: No. No, you pretty much, uh, laid there dead for half the night. But on the, uh, on the plus side... I did almost finish reading "Moby Dick" Alaric: This is stupid. Evil me, or whatever you want to call him, he's not going to make an appearance. Why would he? I mean, the best hiding place is the one where you can't find the person who hid it Stefan: I know Alaric: So how do you want to do this? Stefan: I don't want to do any of this Alaric: Well, that makes two of us. But I don't think we have much choice in the matter (He takes his ring off) Stefan: Wait a minute, what are you doing? You need that ring Alaric: No, what I need is hope that my alter ego doesn't have a death wish. So I'm taking bets that my dark side has a sense of self-preservation So let's see if he defends himself against death Stefan: Look, Alaric, I'm not going to kill you, ok? Alaric: If we have any chance at this, Stefan, you're going to have to try (They look at each other. Stefan hesitates and finally hits him) [A house in the middle of nowhere] (Damon, Elena and Jeremy are in front of a house, next to their car) Jeremy: This is the address Damon: Looks about right (She looks at Jeremy) Elena: Wait here Jeremy: Why? So you guys can make out some more? Damon: Don't be a dick.Listen to your sister (He goes back in the car) Damon: Thank you. Come on (They enter the house. It's dark inside. She switches on a flashlight. It's a mess everywhere) Damon: Whoa. Like "Vampire Hoarders" Elena: Who is this Mary person? Damon: Scary Mary. Really old, super creepy Elena: And how do you know her? Damon: You know Elena: Of course Damon: What? I said creepy, not ugly (They hear a noise. They jump and look behind them. At a double door. They enter the room. She puts the light on the wall and they see a woman, staked against the wall) Damon: Mary... Kol: Quite contrary (The light is on. Kol is sitting on a chair. A baseball bat in his hand.) [Salvatore's House] (Stefan is still hitting Alaric) Alaric: You're not putting enough into this Stefan: If i put any more into it, I'm going to break your spine (He hits him again) Alaric: Well, don't back down now (His nose is bleeding. Stefan's face is starting to turn) Alaric: Well, don't back down now Stefan: Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't. The blood Alaric: Oh, come on, you're past that Stefan: No, I'm not Alaric: Then use it. Give into it. Try to kill me, Stefan, come on Stefan: Not like this, Alaric Alaric: Yes! Like this. You're going to have to want to kill me for me to believe that you will Stefan: I go this far, I may not be able to stop Alaric: You want the answers from my darkest side, you're going to have to tap into yours. So don't back down. Don't fight it. Just do it! (Stefan is against the wall. Alaric grabs him by his jacket. Stefan's face has turned and his throws Alaric against the wall, on the other side of the cellar. Stefan's face becomes normal again. Alaric laughs. His alter ego has finally surfaced) Alaric: You're so weak. Look at you. One of nature's most hideous creatures, and you can't even get that right Stefan: You Alaric: Me [A house] Kol: Shame about Mary. She used to be a blast. I don't quite know what happened. I fear all the time she spent with my family might have ruined her. She was a bit of an original groupie Elena: And were you her favorite? Kol: You mean, did I turn her. I think I did. But, no, wait. Maybe it was Rebekah. But there was also a Klaus period. And let's not forget the Elijah affair. I spoke to my brother. I know you're trying to find out who you descended from. Now you never will. So... Where did we leave off? (He hits Damon with the baseball bat. Damon falls on the floor. He hits him again and again) Damon: Elena, get out of here! (She tries to leave but Kol rushes toward the door to intercepts her) Kol: According to my brother, you're off-limits. Please don't test me (He throws her on the bed. Damon rushes over him and strangles him) Damon: Don't touch her (Kol nuts him. Damon is thrown against the wall and then on the ground) Kol: Oh, dear. I've hit the nerve. Relax, darling. I just want us to be even. You snapped my neck, you killed my brother, and then you humiliated me (He hits him several times on the back) Kol: There. Now we're even [Salvatore's House] Stefan: Where's the stake? Alaric: You're worse than I ever was. Spineless. Pathetic Stefan: Tell me where the stake is before I kill you Alaric: You know, you're all going to burn. Ashes to dust (Stefan hits on the face several times) Stefan: Where's the stake?! (Alaric doesn't answer. Stefan hits him again and then strangles him from behind) Stefan: I'm going to kill you in 3... 2...1 Alaric: It's in the cave. Where no vampire can get it (He laughs. Stefan releases him and then gets out of the cell. He gets his phone and walks to the front door but find Klaus and Rebekah in the living room) Klaus: That wasn't too hard, was it? (They smile) [A house] (Damon is standing but seems to be in pain. Elena is with him) Elena: Are you ok? Damon: Yeah (He puts his shoulder back in place) Damon: That's better (He looks at her, touches her face and sees that she's bleeding) Damon: Are you ok? You're bleeding Elena: Yeah. I'll be fine (She touches his hand. He looks at her and touches his face but she leaves his grip) Damon: What are you doing? Elena: What do you mean? Damon: Well, going on this trip and kissing me... What the hell is this? Elena: Stefan thinks that I have feelings for you Damon: Oh. Do you? Elena: I don't...I don't...I don't know Damon: Hmm. I guess you thought this little trip could help you figure that out, didn't you? Elena: No Damon: Or maybe you're hoping I'll screw it up so I can just make the decision for you, am I wrong? Elena: Damon... Damon: Am I wrong? Elena: It's what you do, Damon! You sabotage things. You... I mean, think about it. Every time that there's a bump in the road, you lash out Damon: But what if I didn't? What if there was no bump? (She doesn't answer) Damon: I'm sorry, Elena. But this time I'm not going to make it so easy for you. This time you'll have to figure it out for yourself (He leaves) [Salvatore's House] (Klaus is pouring himself a glass. Rebekah comes back with Alaric) Klaus: It's a little gratuitous, don't you think, Stefan? I would have been more gentle Rebekah: I'm going to take him to the caves (She looks at Alaric) Rebekah: You're going to go inside and fetch me the stake And if you think you can hide, you're wrong (They leave) Klaus: And then there was one. I know about your brother's little mission to Denver. He failed. Not that that's news anymore Stefan: So what are you going to do now, Klaus? Are you going to kill me? Klaus: I haven't actually decided yet Stefan: Oh, sure you have. See, you've had every chance and every excuse imaginable to do it, but yet you haven't. Which means you don't want to Klaus: You know something, you're right. See, I'm still waiting for my old friend to come back. By the looks of it, he's just beneath the surface. Waiting to come out and play. Right, ripper? Stefan: I've been fighting that part of myself. Thinking that if I repress it, it would go away. But it won't. And now that I've accepted it, it can't control me. And neither can you. So... unless you're going to stake me... why don't you get the hell out of my house (He leaves) [Damon's car] (Damon and Elena are in the front. Jeremy is on the back, looking at Elena. Rose appears next to him) Rose: Are we there yet? Don't tell them I'm here. They had a fight. I know you want to stop it. Protect her from it. But you're young. You don't see what I see. It's not just that she makes him a better person. She does, but... he changes her, too. Damon challenges her. Surprises her. He makes her question her life. Beliefs. Stefan is different. His love is pure. And he'll always be good for her. Damon is either the best thing for her, or the worst [Caroline's House] (Tyler is in her bedroom. She enters with sheets and a pillow in her hands) Caroline: My mom said you can stay as long as you want Tyler: Did she say we could share the bed? Caroline: No. She said you can sleep on the couch. At least until we figure out what Damon and Stefan find out about Klaus Tyler: And if Klaus didn't create their line? And they try to kill him? Caroline: Tyler... I just got you back. (She kisses him) Caroline: I'm not losing you again (She smiles and leaves the room to prepare the couch. Tyler looks around in her room and finds the drawing Klaus did for her. He takes it and looks at it) Tyler: Klaus drew this for you? Caroline: Huh? Tyler: That's...pretty creepy Caroline: Yeah. Klaus is pretty creepy. Even when he's trying to be charming Tyler: Charming? Does Klaus have a thing for you or something? Caroline: No! As far as I'm concerned, he isn't capable of real feelings Tyler: I'm serious. What the hell happened while I was gone? Caroline: Tyler. Nothing. Ok, nothing happened Tyler: Then why'd you keep this? Caroline: I don't know Tyler: I think I'm going to find some place else to spend the night (He leaves) Caroline: Tyler... Tyler! [The cavern] (Rebekah and Alaric arrive at the cavern. She can't go further) Rebekah: Go get it. You know I can't get in (He gets the stake) Alaric: Why would I give you the one thing that requires everyone to keep me alive? Rebekah: Are we bargaining now? Fine. What's your offer? Alaric: There's only one stake out there. Which means only one original has to die. Help me. And I'll make sure it's not you Rebekah: Tenuous, but points for effort. You see, I don't want one original to die. (She enters. He's surprised and afraid) Rebekah: I want them all to die Alaric: How the hell did you do that? Rebekah: It was easy to fool Niklaus, but I thought you, of all people, would understand. After all, my son did use your body at one point Alaric: You're not Rebekah Rebekah: No. My name is Esther. And we have a great deal in common

Plan: A: Damon; Q: Who does Stefan think Elena has feelings for? A: a trip; Q: What does Stefan send Damon and Elena on? A: Denver; Q: Where does Stefan send Elena and Damon? A: a stake; Q: What does Damon use to neutralize Kol? A: Mary Porter; Q: Who sired Rose? A: Klaus; Q: Who snaps Alaric's neck? A: his evil alter-ego; Q: What does Stefan have to beat out of Alaric? A: a metal baseball bat; Q: What does Kol beat Damon with? A: the kiss; Q: What do Damon and Elena do in the motel? A: Caroline; Q: Who is thrilled when Tyler returns to town? A: Matt; Q: Who is trying to keep Rebekah busy? A: Rebekah; Q: Who does Matt have his hands full with? A: Esther; Q: Who shows up at Klaus' house? A: Klaus' house; Q: Where does Esther confront Rebekah? Summary: Stefan tells Elena he believes she has feelings for Damon. He sends them on a trip together: first, to make sure Jeremy is safe in Denver and to see if his special abilities can reveal from which Original they are descended and second, to find out if Elena has feelings for Damon. While they are gone, Stefan will try to get the location of the final white oak stake out of Alaric's alter-ego. Damon and Elena find Jeremy and ask him to talk to Rose on the other side, but they are interrupted by Kol, whom Damon neutralizes with a stake. Damon and Elena take Jeremy to a motel where he speaks to Rose who sired Katharine who in turn sired the Salvatore brothers. She tells them she was sired by Mary Porter and that she'll find out where Mary is. Meanwhile, Stefan fails at trying to get the location of the stake out of Alaric until Klaus comes by and snaps Alaric's neck. Back in the motel, Damon and Elena give in to their passion and kiss. Meanwhile, Stefan is forced to beat up Alaric to trigger his evil alter-ego, who, after some persuasion, tells Stefan that the last white oak stake is in the cave, where no vampire can get it. Meanwhile, Damon, Elena and Jeremy go to the house where Mary lives. Damon and Elena go inside and find Mary staked on the wall. Kol has murdered Mary before Damon and Elena talk to her. Kol then beats Damon up with a metal baseball bat to get even with him. Damon later asks Elena about the kiss, and she admits that Stefan thinks she loves him and was testing her feelings. Damon becomes upset and tells her he is not going to make this decision easy for her, that she must decide completely on her own. Caroline is thrilled when Tyler returns to town, but Tyler soon suspects that something has been going on between Caroline and Klaus, when he finds the picture Klaus drew for Caroline. Elsewhere, Matt has his hands full trying to keep Rebekah busy organizing the school's upcoming 1920s Decade Dance so Caroline can spend some romantic time with Tyler. Esther shows up at Klaus' house where she confronts Rebekah and dies after undergoing a strange fit. At the end of the episode it is revealed that Esther tricked Rebekah into giving her body to her and she wants alter-ego Alaric to work with her.

LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - KITCHEN - DAY] (Haley turns around, smiling. Brooke is sitting at the counter, reading a letter she has just received.) BROOKE: (shocked) Congratulations, your designs have been selected to appear at this years Rogue Vogue showcase(!) (She looks at Haley in wonder. Haley walks to the counter.) BROOKE: It's, like, a competition for emerging fashion designers; in New York(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH - CEMENT QUAD - DAY] (Brooke confronts Rachel who is trying to take over her squad. Rachel and the team have been practicing routines without Brooke.) BROOKE: It is my job to come up with a routine for the tournament! RACHEL: The tournament's the same weekend as Rouge Vogue. (smirks) You'll be in New York City. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DINING AREA - EVENING] (Karen and Keith are sitting on the couch while the storm rages outside.) KAREN: You made me realise I was ready for you. (They kiss.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL - STREETS - EVENING] (Lucas and Brooke resolve their problems in the storm.) LUCAS: Coz I love you, Brooke. I wanna be with you, not Peyton. (Brooke kisses him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] PEYTON: (crying) I need you to talk to me about your cancer(!) ELLIE: (smiles) It's OK. PEYTON: (sadly) No, it's not OK(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ELLIE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Ellie lies across her bed. She's pale and clearly on her last legs. She sighs one last time before closing her eyes.) PEYTON: (v.o) Ellie!? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ELLIE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Peyton walks into the room holding her bag and the box of their benefit CDs. She sees Ellie's arm, hanging out over the edge of the bed. She stops and stares. The box falls out of her hands and hit the floor; scattering the CDs.) (Peyton cries hard as she sees Ellie lying there.) FADE TO WHITE: END OF PREVIOUSLY ON: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE ROAD - THE SKY - DAY] (The camera pans down to the road. A few cars are driving past - including a big purple one.) PEYTON: (v.o) I read a poem once... about a girl who had a crush on a guy who died. She imagined him up in heaven with all the beautiful angels... and she was jealous. (The car drives past and the shot zooms lower.) PEYTON: (v.o) Ellie is gone. (pause) I imagine her with all the badass angels now. Hanging out with them in their black leather jackets - causing trouble. (The shot pans down to the front passenger seat window. Peyton is sitting there, daydreaming. Brooke is driving.) PEYTON: (v.o) But I'm not jealous. (pause) I just... miss her. (Brooke looks at her slowly.) BROOKE: You ready to talk about her, yet? PEYTON: (looks back) ... I'm dealing with Ellie's death the way she woulda wanted me to; by really living life. (pause) And what better way than road-tripping to New York in this... sweet ride and... (Brooke grins) and then hopping on a plane, nine hours later, and flying to Charlotte. (Brooke laughs and pats her knee.) PEYTON: (smiling) Ellie would've loved it. BROOKE: And Rachel is gonna hate it. Win, win! Are we on schedule, navigation girl?! (Brooke looks into her rear-view mirror. Haley sits up from the back seat.) HALEY: Well, (coughs) yeah, except that, uh, we promised to switch seats once we hit Pennsylvania. BROOKE: Hmmm,... so, James-Scott, what're you more excited about? The fashion show or the cheerleading competition? HALEY: Uh,... sharing a hotel room with Nathan. (Brooke laughs.) PEYTON: (groans) Erugh, you a so Brooke's roommate! HALEY: Whatever! Oh, slug bug! (punches Peyton on the arm) PEYTON: (holding her arm) OW! (Brooke laughs more. Peyton looks out of the window and sees an old VW Beetle driving beside them. Haley laughs and Peyton follows suit.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCHOOL BUS - TREE HILL HIGH - DAY] (Whitey is standing in front of the team, half yelling.) WHITEY: This year's classic will not be a repeat of last year's debauchery. There'll be an eleven o'clock curfew. That means... there'll be not late-night hot tubbing,... no spinning the bottle,- (The players and cheerleaders are practically ignoring him as he walks up the middle of the bus.) WHITEY: -no truthing or daring. And that includes the chaperones. (He comes to a stop at the back where Karen and Keith are making out. They separate and look at him guiltily. The other people on the bus make noise. Whitey rolls his eyes and shakes his head.) (Cut to Nathan and Lucas who are smiling embarrassedly.) NATHAN: Your mom playing grab-ass on the bus isn't as humiliating as Dan assaulting me in the locker room. LUCAS: Yeah, where is Dan? NATHAN: Official Mayor stuff in Tree Hill. He's probably planning an invasion of Rawley. LUCAS: Ohh, more pressure off you than. NATHAN: Actually, I play better when Dan's there. LUCAS: What, some kind of twisted good luck charm? NATHAN: (shakes his head) No, more like a gun to the head. (They laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE ROAD - RENTED CAR - DAY] (Close-up of the radio as Brooke fiddles with it. The shot pans across to her.) BROOKE: OK, my turn. Oh, wise radio, what is gonna happen to me in New York at the Rogue Vogue fashion show? HALEY: That was the first question you asked and you can't ask the same question twice. BROOKE: Well, I didn't like my answer and it's not like only one thing can happen at a fashion show. PEYTON: Yeah, but it defeats the purpose of the radio game. It's like magic eight ball; you have to take the first answer you get. HALEY: Yeah, I didn't get a do-over when the answer to my question: 'What will happen with me and Nathan' was 'Highway to Hell'. OK? BROOKE: Fine. I will accept that at some point this weekend, someone will pour some sugar on me. (Haley leans back and laughs.) BROOKE: My next question is: what is Lucas thinking about? (She fiddles with the radio again.) BROOKE: Right... (stops turning the dial) now. (Torn Between Two Lovers by Mary MacGregor starts to play. Everyone's spirit dies.) BROOKE: OK, new game. (turns the radio off) HALEY: How bout movie quotes? BROOKE: Great. HALEY: I'll go first. Um,... (thinks) 'if I ever start talking about these as the best days of my life- (Peyton grins.) HALEY: -remind me to kill myself'. PEYTON: (points) 'Dazed and Confused'. BROOKE: (excitedly) Oh my god, you guys, look! (All three look ahead as the skyline to New York emerges.) HALEY: (o.s) Oh! Oh, it's just like the movies! BROOKE: Peyton, we need music; plug in the iPod. (Peyton does.) PEYTON: Cue the soundtrack. (She presses play and the music starts. They smile as they look out at New York in awe.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOTEL (EST) - SPARKLE CLASSIC - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - SPARKLE CLASSIC - DAY] (Shot of the lobby as people mill around it. The camera pans across to Rachel who is standing before the cheerleaders.) RACHEL: Alright, girls, one hour to check in. Everyone assembled for practice at three; break at six; final rehearsal, eight-thirty. Lights out at ten. BEVIN: You know, Brooke was never this strict. She always let us do what we wanted before the competition. RACHEL: Do I look like Brooke to you? Thank god, no. (turns away) BEVIN: Well, I don't feel good. (fake coughs) (Rachel looks at her, annoyed.) BEVIN: I'm gonna go try squeeze in a nap. (The rest of the cheerleaders follow Bevin and Rachel gives up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROGUE VOGUE - MAIN AREA - DAY] (Brooke, Peyton and Haley walk into the area in awe.) BROOKE: Howww, stinkin' great is this?(!) Well, thanks for coming with me, team. PEYTON: Yeah. (Models walk down the catwalk, rehearsing for later. Camera pans to a woman holding a clipboard.) WOMAN: Guys, guys, this is Rogue Vogue, not prom. Would you please, please get rid of those astounding, repulsive streamers before I hang you by them? (Brooke walks up to the stage where the woman is standing and smiles.) BROOKE: Hi. WOMAN: (fake) Hi. (turns away) BROOKE: (rushing forward) Excuse me, I'm Brooke Davis and I just wanted to check on my time. I have a little bit of a schedule crunch coz we're trying to hop a flight tonight back to North Carolina for a cheerleading competition tomorrow. (smiles at Peyton and Haley) My two best friends drove down with me (they wave) and I'm in love with them for it. But, we wanted to fly back together- WOMAN: (turns and cuts her off) The schedule has changed. BROOKE: (beat) OK, good change or bad change? WOMAN: (consults her list) Your clothes aren't shown until tomorrow. (smirks) BROOKE: That's a bad change. WOMAN: (cattily) Yeah, looks like you have a cheersion to make. (Brooke gapes after her. Peyton frowns and Haley looks at Brooke worriedly.) BROOKE: Wh-! FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROGUE VOGUE - STAGE - DAY] (Brooke, Haley and Peyton are sitting on the end of the stage. Haley and Peyton are watching Brooke.) BROOKE: I can not believe that director lady; I hate her. (Peyton grins) She was wearing white when it's way after Veterans Day. HALEY: (instantly) Labour day. BROOKE: Whatever, almanac girl. (pause) You guys, what am I gonna do? Can you get me a radio so I can make up my mind? PEYTON: OK, Donatella, get yourself together. (grins) (Brooke looks at her in disgust.) PEYTON: You've never worked so hard at anything in your life except your fake ID. (Brooke smiles and Haley laughs.) PEYTON: (nudges her) It's you big chance! (Brooke smiles sadly and nods.) BROOKE: (whispers) Yeah. (beat) You guys should go without me. HALEY: Are you sure? (Brooke looks at Peyton and then Haley, nodding.) BROOKE: Yeah. Peyton's right. (smiles at Peyton) It's my big shot. (pats their knees) So... (takes a deep breath) just go before I change my mind. (She laughs. Peyton leans sideways and hugs Brooke. Haley does the same.) HALEY: Have fun(!) PEYTON: Good luck. (Peyton and Haley pull back and stand. They wave goodbye and leave Brooke sitting there on the stage. Brooke watches them walk away apprehensively. She takes deep breaths as she's left in the room on her own.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - KEITH AND KAREN'S ROOM - DAY] (Keith opens the door and he and Karen enter. He looks in and sees the luxury basket he's put on the bed and the champagne on the table. He looks back at Karen and smiles.) KAREN: (seeing) Oh,... well,... Keith. (laughs) (She looks around at the room and smiles.) KAREN: Wow. (She looks at the huge array of flowers on the table.) KAREN: Those are gorgeous. KEITH: (smiles happily) Look, and you should see the view. (points to the window) (She looks at the window.) KEITH: Oh, and the bathroom, it comes with a-with one- (There's a sound of flushing from the bathroom and Keith turns his head to look at the doorway. Whitey exits, zipping up his fly. He grins at them.) KEITH: (more to himself) Crusty old man? WHITEY: Oh, that Jacuzzi's gonna do wonders for my back. (Whitey walks to the bed and drops his newspaper. He sits on the bed.) KEITH: (eternally confused) Whitey, what're you doing in our room? WHITEY: (looks up) Don't you mean our room? (He indicates himself and Keith. Keith doesn't respond.) WHITEY: Oh, the two of you shacked up together in sin; that's a bad example to the children, (looks into the basket) you oughta be ashamed of yourselves. KAREN: But, um,... WHTEY: Well, don't worry, Karen. I'll take good care of him. (He picks out a box from the basket and looks at it.) WHITEY: (opens the box) Well, what've we got here? (grins) (He takes out a chocolate.) WHITEY: Mmmm, (grins broadly) truffles! (pause) Isn't that romantic?(!) (eyes Keith) (Keith smiles and nods. Both of them watch him stoically. Keith looks at Karen and Whitey laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - LUCAS AND NATHAN'S ROOM - DAY] (Nathan and Lucas walk into their room and Nathan shuts the door. They look up and see that their room only has a queen-sized bed. Lucas groans. Nathan whistles. Lucas sighs. Wordlessly, Lucas and Nathan play rock-paper-scissors. They stop, Lucas holds out paper and Nathan holds out rock.) (Lucas pats Nathan's clenched fist. Nathan sighs.) LUCAS: (walking forward) Paper covers rock(!) NATHAN: Two outta three? (Lucas drops his bag on the floor and falls onto the bed with a groan. That's answer enough. There's a knock on the door. Nathan turns to it.) TONY BATTLE: Room service. NATHAN: (not moving to open the door) Wrong room, sorry. TONY BATTLE: And if you don't come open up this door before I kick it down? (Lucas looks at Nathan and the door. Nathan waits a beat before walking to the door. He opens it to Tony Battle, his friend from High Flyers.) NATHAN: (grins and slaps hands with him. They hug) Tony Battle, what're you doing here, man? TONY BATTLE: (stepping back) I live in the town next over, man. So now, I'm gonna beat your ass in the tournament, not just one-on-one. (Lucas is just watching the exchange from the bed.) NATHAN: (looks back a beat) Well hey, man, this is Lucas. TONY BATTLE: Oh, what's up, man? Heard about you. Jump shooter, right? Then you were seeing this girl - lied about it? LUCAS: (laughs to himself) God(!) TONY BATTLE: (laughs) So, I know you're all down to kick it tonight, right? NATHAN: Uh,... I don't know if we can do a wild night, man. We got a curfew. TONY BATTLE: OK, cool, so then we'll make it an early wild night. Get your stuff, let's roll. (Nathan glances back at his brother. Tony urges Lucas to come along.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (A cheerleader walks down the corridor with purpose. She's holding a key card in her right hand. She inserts it into the lock of one of the doors; it doesn't work so she knocks.) CHEERLEADER: Bevin, let me in. BEVIN: (opens the door looking well) I can't. I have an enormous fever - you're gonna have to stay with someone else. (Bevin tosses the girl's bag at her. The cheerleader frowns, confused as Bevin shuts the door in her face and turns back into the room. She grins and walks to the bed.) BEVIN: Thanks for driving up for the weekend. (Skills is sitting on the bed, smiling.) SKILLS: Damn, baby, you look hot. BEVIN: Oh, no I don't really have a fever. That was a lie. (Skills frowns at her answer. Bevin just continues to smile, not getting it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROUGE VOGUE - BACK ROOM - DAY] (Models and designers are milling around the backroom. Many of the models are wearing garish clothes. There's a model wearing a dress with black and white knives, forks and spoons stuck to it. Brooke walks through them, looking and feeling completely out of place.) (One of the designers back into Brooke and Brooke looks at her; she doesn't say a word and continues walking with apprehension. She walks to a random person and takes hold of her arm.) BROOKE: Hi, excuse me. (pulls her away) It's just a little crazy in here. Um,... I'm looking for the model for my clothes. I'm a designer. My name's Brooke Davis. I have- (A girl taps Brooke on the back.) SOLARIS: I-I'm your model. (The other woman walks away.) SOLARIS: (holds out her hand after a beat) Solaris. BROOKE: (shaking her hand) Solaris. Cool. Um,... sorry, I'm a little overwhelmed. I'm still in high school and this is all really new to me. (grins) SOLARIS: Oh, I know, everyone here's like thirty. I'm literally half their age. BROOKE: (thinking) So you're,... fifteen? Or just really bad at math, like me? SOLARIS: (smiles) Both. I'm really bad at math and fifteen. (Brooke gapes. The girl sitting in front of her looks nothing like a fifteen year old.) BROOKE: I thought you were, like, twenty-five. SOLARIS: Yeah, you and every bartender in the city. BROOKE: (grins wickedly) Nice(!) (Solaris leans back.) BROOKE: (self-consciously) I'm really excited that there's another kid here though. I totally miss my friends already. SOLARIS: Well, you should be psyched. Your line is so awesome. I would actually wear it. (Brooke laughs.) SOLARIS: (looks over Brooke's shoulder) Like, my friend, Jessica, has to model a shirt made of tacks. BROOKE: ... Ouch. (frowns and looks over her shoulder) SOLARIS: Do you have plans tonight? (Brooke shakes her head.) SOLARIS: Well you do now. (Brooke's smile widens.) SOLARIS: Get ready for a wild night, designer Brooke. (Brooke looks at her speechlessly and laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREETS - EVENING] (Nathan, Lucas and Tony are walking down the road.) NATHAN: You took me to some wild parties this summer, Battle, but, uh, (laughs) I think you're outdoing yourself here. TONY BATTLE: (glances at Nathan briefly as the continue walking) Hey, you'll see. (They walk up the drive to the front of a house. The door opens and a young girl of about twelve and a boy of about ten step out.) AJ: (looks at Nathan) He don't look like he got game(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HOTEL - LOBBY - EVENING] (The cheerleaders are practicing their routine. Bevin holds her hand out, making an 'L' shape with her fingers so she can remember which one is her left hand. Rachel comes up behind her and sighs.) RACHEL: Bevin, quit making an 'L' before you do that move! BEVIN: It's the only way I can remember it's left and not right. (All the girls stop and watch the commotion.) RACHEL: (glares) Well stop. It looks like you're making the loser sign(!) (holds up her own hand) (Rachel snarks and turns away. Bevin wait a beat before putting her left hand up to her forehead, making the loser sign at Rachel... with the wrong hand. Her former roommate walks up behind Bevin and holds up Bevin's other hand to her head. Bevin gets it and nods.) (Cut to the entrance as Haley and Peyton walk in, laughing.) HALEY: Hey, you guys. I'm sorry we're late. (Bevin turns to them, relieved.) BEVIN: Oh, thank god you guys are here(!) (hugs them) Where's Brooke? HALEY: Um,... Brooke got delayed at the fashion show. She's not coming. (Rachel is much to delighted by that.) RACHEL: (smiling) Well, we'll just have to forge ahead without her. (pause) Alright, team, everyone to your rooms. Let's get some rest for tomorrow. BEVIN: (delighted) Gotta rest, so sleepy! (She backs away. Peyton frowns at Bevin, amused.) BEVIN: Bye. (Bevin grabs her bag and leaves. Haley turns to Peyton.) HALEY: Oh, hey, um,... gimme a call if you need anything at all. OK? PEYTON: (nods) Thanks, Haley. I know you're excited about spending time with Nathan, though, so... don't worry about me. HALEY: (backs up, still unsure) OK. (Haley leaves to, leaving Peyton standing there with only Rachel for company. Rachel walks to her.) RACHEL: Well, look, um,... (Peyton turns to her) I'm not much of a listener; but I do have some tequila in my room. (smiles and crosses her arms) You interested? PEYTON: (smiling) Perfect. (Rachel nods and they walk down to the entrance together. FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - DANCE FLOOR - EVENING] (Shot of the yellow light before panning down to the people crowding the dance floor. Everyone is dressed in weird clothing. Solaris and Brooke wend their way through the throng, dressed in normal clothes. A woman walks up to Solaris.) WOMAN: Solaris, I love you. (kisses her cheek) SOLARIS: You look fantastic. (beat) Oh, (points to Brooke) this is Brooke Davis. I'm modelling her line tomorrow. WOMAN: Do you have a cigarette? (Brooke's smile falls.) SOLARIS: No, I quit. WOMAN: Bitch. Love you. (walks away) (Brooke and Solaris watch her.) SOLARIS: It's sad. Ever since she got a rib taken out a year ago and those horrible collagen injections, she's totally washed up. (Brooke's eyebrows raise.) SOLARIS: (shakes her head and smiles) Cheers(!) (clinks glasses) (Solaris smiles and Brooke tries her best to return it but she's rethinking the whole thing. She takes a sip of her drink.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - REACHEL'S ROOM - EVENING] (Close-up of a slice of lime being cut. Fade to full-shot of Peyton on the bed and Rachel at the table, cutting up the lime.) PEYTON: Kinda weird. (looks up) Us hanging out. (Rachel ignores her and continues to cut up the lime.) PEYTON: Nothing personal, I just never imagined the two of us kicking it. RACHEL: (beat) We probably have a lot more in common than you think. (Close-up of Peyton's stoic face.) RACHEL: Then again, we'll probably never get the chance to find out. (pause) I mean, I'm not Brooke's favourite person and you are. (Rachel turns to Peyton.) PEYTON: (smiling) She just doesn't trust you. (Rachel walks over with their drinks.) RACHEL: (eyes narrowed) And you do? (holds out a glass) PEYTON: (takes it) Not really. I just wanted a drink. (Rachel smiles and her phone rings. She looks around before walking to it and answering it. She holds it to her ear and waits.) BEVIN: (through the phone) Hey, it's Bevin. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - EVENING] (Bevin is standing by the pool, in a dressing gown.) BEVIN: Peyton's not in her room right now, unlike me who's, like, totally asleep. Anyway, if you see her, will you tell her she's bunking with you? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - RACHEL'S ROOM - EVENING] RACHEL: (confused) What, why? BEVIN: (through the phone) Because, Haley switched rooms with Lucas so she could be with Nathan. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - EVENING] BEVIN: Now, Lucas is in Peyton's room because Brooke's not coming. But of course, we can't put a girl in with Lucas - especially Peyton- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - RACHEL'S ROOM - EVENING] (Close-up of Rachel's scheming face.) BEVIN: (through the phone) So, Lucas goes there; Peyton goes in with you. (Rachel smirks.) BEVIN: (through the phone) Chelsea's staying with Ashley because- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - EVENING] BEVIN: -I'm really sick. (She coughs forcefully. Skills can be seen on one of the deck chairs on the other side of the pool.) BEVIN: Long story short, Peyton's in with you; Lucas is alone in her room. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - RACHEL'S ROOM - EVENING] (Rachel grins evilly.) RACHEL: OK, yeah, fine. I'll tell her. Oh, and, uh,... tell Skills hi for me. (She smirks and hangs up.) PEYTON: What's up? RACEHL: (turns back to Peyton) Oh, Bevin wants me to remind you to bring your flat archer in the morning. (She bites into a piece of lime, looking completely conniving.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - EVENING] (Bevin walks to Skills.) BEVIN: Rachel says 'hey'. (pause) Wait a minute... oh well. (shuts her phone) You ready for a swim? (She slips her phone into the pocket of her robe.) SKILLS: Yeah, the Jacuzzi lookin' real good. BEVIN: (pouting) Well, let's swim first. SKILLS: (nervous) Nah, I'm-I'm good. BEVIN: Skills, come on! (He looks at her apprehensively.) BEVIN: Oh my god,... do you not know how to swim? SKILLS: What the hell kinda question is that?! Do I not know how to swim? Coz I'm black, huh? So you think all black people're just scared of water. BEVIN: I'm so sorry. Of course you can swim. SKILLS: Actually, I can't, but (shrugs) you know. BEVIN: Well, I'm getting in. (She unties the robe and takes it off. She's wearing a blue bathing suit underneath. She puts her hands on her hips and looks at him.) SKILLS: (nervous) Swimming, huh? (nods) (Bevin smiles, pleased with herself.) SKILLS: Well, hell, how hard can it be? (She laughs and reaches out for his hand. He walks with her.) SKILLS: Damn, baby, you smell like a candy shop or somethin'. BEVIN: (getting into the water) Vanilla body spray. Sparkle Classic swag-bag. SKILLS: (scared) Yeah, but you sure you wanna wash off all that sweetness, baby? I mean, we could go somewhere and just stay dry. (Bevin rolls her eyes.) BEVIN: Skills, come on. (walks down further) You have to trust me. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. Do you remember when we saw Titanic? SKILLS: Um-hm! BEVIN: I'll never let you go. (looks back at him) SKILLS: That's easy for you to say; coz the girl lived. But the dude; (pause) (scared) his ass drowned. BEVIN: Come on. (Skills sighs and swallows hard as he follows her lead.) BEVIN: (smiling) Come on. (Skills continues down the steps into the water with a lot of trepidation.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BATTLE RESIDENCE - DINING ROOM - EVENING] (Nathan and Lucas are sitting at the dining table with Tony Battle's family.) NATHAN: This food looks amazing Mrs. Battle. MRS. BATTLE: Well, I hope you boys are hungry. If you're anything like Tony, it's not gonna be a problem. (Tony's dad laughs.) TONY BATTLE: Mom! (smiles) (She smiles back. Nathan reaches for the food.) MRS. BATTLE: Nathan, we say grace in this house. NATHAN: (pauses) Oh, I'm sorry. (He lets go of the food and sits back slightly.) MRS. BATTLE: Oh, It's OK. CHUCK BATTLE: (looking at his daughter) Leah, would you like to say grace? (Leah clasps her hands and closes her eyes.) LEAH BATTLE: Thank you, dear God,- (Nathan also closes his eyes and looks down.) LEAH BATTLE: -for the lasagne... (smirks) thank you also for sending Lucas here- (Lucas looks sideways ay her, grinning.) LEAH BATTLE: -and having him sit next to me, because he is really... really fine. (Leah's little brother looks up in shock and there is scattered laughter around the table. Chuck laughs.) CHUCK BATTLE: Nice. That was heartfelt. Let's eat. (Everyone laughs. Leah joins in.) LUCAS: (leans closer to her) Best grace ever. (Leah grins but doesn't reply.) TONY: So. Pops,... I was just telling these guys about how I'm gonna light 'em up in the Classics tomorrow night. (Lucas leans back.) CHUCK BATTLE: Hmm, well, you know who holds the all-time record for points in the Classic. MRS. BATTLE: Alright, here we go. NATHAN: (helping himself to food) You played ball, Mr. Battle? CHUCK BATTLE: Son, I lit 'em up in high school. (Tony smiles and nods.) LUCAS: That's cool, what happened? (takes some bread) CHUCK BATTLE: Life happened. (points at Tony) I had this knucklehead. TONY: (affronted) Hey, man(!) (Chuck laughs.) NATHAN: Was it hard - letting go? I mean, wondering what-what might've been. (Lucas looks at Nathan, understanding what he means.) CHUCK BATTLE: Not really. At a certain point, it's not about what might've been but what might be. On the drive out, you see all those guys hanging out on... street corners, just then and... (He passes the food to Leah. Leah holds it out reverently to Lucas. Lucas looks down at her.) CHUCK BATTLE: what might have been- (His wife cuts him off.) MRS. BATTLE: Honey, you need me to get you your soapbox or you doing OK from your seat? (Chuck holds a hand up and laughs.) MRS. BATTLE: Let's hear about you two. What's your father do? (Nathan's stuck for words.) LUCAS: Well, he hangs out with what might have been. (He passes the food over.) CHUCK BATTLE: (nods) Well it's a... it's a tough thing. But I bet, deep down, he wishes the best for both of you. Good education and uh,... (nods) the hope that you'll... find your way. (pause) That's what every father hopes for his child. (Tony's little brother looks sceptical.) AJ: Not yours. TONY: Whoa, (points and smiles) fall back, little man. CHUCK BATTLE: My younger son is referring to the father I never knew. But I bet, somewhere out there, he's thinking the same thing. (beams) That's what fathers do. (Lucas looks sceptical too. Nathan considers and looks at his brother.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RESTAURANT - DINING AREA - EVENING] (Karen and Keith are sitting at a table, getting ready to eat. Whitey drops a heavy bowling bag on the table and the glasses shake and bang against each other. Karen jerks and looks up at him. Whitey is looking at them with a huge grin.) WHITEY: You ready to hit the lanes? KEITH: (confused) Well, uh,... I-I kinda hand plans, Whitey. (Keith is totally thrown and Whitey's smile falls fast.) WHITEY: Oh. (looks down sadly) Disappear for four months and then you can't find the time to take an old man bowling. (nods) KEITH: (guiltily to himself) Alright. (Whitey sighs and continues to look down. Karen looks at him expectantly. She smiles and shrugs.) KAREN: Go ahead. (Keith sighs.) KAREN: You two have a great time. WHITEY: (smiling) Thanks, Karen. (Keith sighs again and Whitey walks past the table.) WHITEY: (to Keith, indicating the bag) Carry that, will you? (Keith frowns at him before standing. Karen looks away and smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - DANCE FLOOR - EVENING] (A guy called Travis is talking to a random girl. Brooke walks up to him.) BROOKE: Hey, Travis, have you seen Solaris? I lost her. TRAVIS: She's in the VIP room. BROOKE: No, I was just in there. TRAVIS: Not that one. The real VIP room. (Brooke frowns at him. Travis looks sideways.) TRAVIS: Upstairs. (Brooke nods and walks away. Brooke walks into the VIP room and sees all the people there. They all look completely out of it. She walks forward cautiously.) BROOKE: Solaris? (Brooke steps over people on the floor. She looks into another part of the VIP room.) BROOK: (nervous) Solaris? (Solaris is sitting on a couch, unresponsive.) SOLARIS: (distant) Brooke? (Brooke sits beside her and Solaris looks up at her.) BROOKE: (concerned) Are you OK? SOLARIS: I just... snorted too much 'H'. I'll be-I'll be fine in a minute. (She smiles at Brooke, completely stoned.) BROOKE: As in heroin? (Solaris doesn't answer. She's too out of it. Her head falls down slightly. Brooke leans forward, anxious. A guy has come up to them and sat behind Brooke. It's Travis.) TRAVIS: (amused) Oh, look,... (smirks) the princess fell off her pony. (laughs) (A woman walks to them, also stoned.) BROOKE: (turns to look at Travis) Is she OK?! TRAVIS: She's more than OK, sweetie. Trust me. WOMAN: (touches Solaris' hair) You're so pretty. TRAVIS: (looking down at Brooke) Isn't she? (He touches Brooke's arm.) BROOKE: (inching away) Oh, hey(!) I'm only seventeen. TRAVIS: Didn't know you were so old, sweetie. (Brooke looks at him, scandalised.) TRAVIS: Thought you were more Solaris' age. BROOKE: (revolted) That's disgusting! TRAVIS: (leans down) Watch yourself, little girl. (pause) You're swimming in the deep end now. (He tries to touch her again but Brooke aggressively moves away while glaring for all she's worth. She stands up and rushes away. She continues down the corridor fast, never looking back. When she gets out, she leans against the wall and breathes hard. She looks sideways, depressed.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERICAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - RACHEL'S ROOM - EVENING] (The shot is from inside the fridge as Rachel opens it. Peyton can be seen on the bed, lying on her stomach.) RACHEL: It's a nice jacket. I had one like it once that I got from this vintage store but... (takes out orange juice) I left it at this guy's house one night. (She stands and shuts the fridge.) RACHEL: Loved the jacket, hated the guy. (pause) So I never went back for it. PEYTON: It was my birth mother's. RACHEL: (shaking the shaker and frowning) Yeah, I heard about that. Sucks. PEYTON: Yep. (There's a long pause. Rachel pours the drinks. She turns back and walks to Peyton.) RACHEL: I'm sorry, I'm not so good with the whole shoulder-to-lean-on thing. (Peyton smiles.) PEYTON: You're in luck, I'm not looking for one. (Rachel nods.) PEYTON: I am, on the other hand, looking for another drink. (points at it) RACHEL: (grinning) Works for me. (hands it over) Try this. I call it Sympathy. (Peyton raises an eyebrow at her.) PEYTON: (shrugs) Alright, well, (holds the glass up) here's to Sympathy. RACHEL: (clinks glasses) For the Devil. (Peyton laughs and drinks.) (There's a knock on the door off-screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - KAREN'S ROOM - EVENING] (Karen is in her bathroom, rubbing her hands with lotion. She walks out to open the door.) KAREN: (playfully) Uh-oh, someone is in trouble. (She opens the door with a smile to Haley. Her smile falters.) HALEY: (confused) Why? It's not even past curfew. KAREN: (gasps) Oh, Haley, oh,... you know, you're always such trouble. (laughs nervously) HALEY: (embarrassed) Oh my god, you though I was Keith(!) OhhK, um, Nathan's MIA; I just thought I'd stop by of a girl's night in with pay-per-view. But, if you've got big plans, (turns away) I'll get o- (makes to walk away) KAREN: No, of course, of course. (pause) Get in here. (Karen steps aside and Haley walks in with a smile.) HALEY: You sure? KAREN: (shuts the door) I'd love the company. (walks into the room) Alright, uuuum, movie guide. (Karen picks up the guide and gives it to Haley.) KAREN: Romance, adventure. Nothing too scary. (They both sit on the bed.) HALEY: Yeah, I can't really watch scary movies anyway. (gasps) Oh, I could totally be down for John Cusack: Must Love Dogs. KAREN: Oh, yeah. (pause) That means you wanna watch it, right? HALEY: (laughs) Yeah! KAREN: Good, I like Diane Lane. (Haley turns the TV on.) TV VOICE-OVER: Press 'select' to start your movie. HALEY: Me too. (not paying attention to what she presses) Did you see her in uh, Walk on the Moon...? (She stops short when she sees that she hasn't turned it on to the movie but on to p0rn. Karen's eyes are as big as saucers. She gapes. Haley jerks around and looks at the guide again.) HALEY: Must Love D-OH, I missed an 'n', I thought it said Dogs! I'm sorry. Ah! (Karen makes a mad dash for the TV. Haley puts a hand to her head.) KAREN: We can't watch that(!) (she winces as she covers the screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BATTLE RESIDENCE - BACY YARD - EVENING] (Nathan and Tony are playing basketball while the rest of the family and Lucas watch.) TONY BATTLE: What'ya got, Big Time? (tries to block him) How's it going, buddy? (Nathan jumps and throws the ball.) TONY BATTLE: Shot, Big Time. (The ball goes through. Tony's mother and brother make noise.) MRS. BATTLE: Wait, now don't shame me out there, son. (Tony turns his head and looks back at her.) AJ: T is getting schooled! MRS. BATTLE: (agreeing) You know! TONY BATTLE: (to Nathan) Man, you see how I have the home-court disadvantage here? (tosses the ball to a laughing Nathan) My whole family, man. (They start playing again.) (The shot cuts to the wall where Lucas and Leah are sat. She's brushing blue eye shadow onto his eyelids. She finishes and he looks into the mirror.) LUCAS: Uh,... I'm not sure blue's my colour, Leah. LEAH: (smiles and nods) Trust me, it brings out your eyes. (smiles adoringly) (Lucas smiles. Chuck runs out and to his son.) CHUCK BATTLE: Come on AJ, let's school these two, come on! (He picks his son up and carries him onto the court.) MRS. BATTLE: OK, now we got a game, now we got a game. (claps) CHUCK BATTLE: (drops his son onto the court) Now it's on. Me and my man. Alright? Me and my man. (A phone rings.) MRS. BATTLE: Let's go, boys, let's go, let's go. (Lucas flips his phone open, seeing who it is, and smiles.) LUCAS: (talking into the phone) And how is the most beautiful girl in New York City doing? LEAH: (to herself) Oh, that hurts. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAB - NEW YORK - EVENING] (Brooke smiles sadly as she holds her phone to her ear.) BROOKE: I'm great. (pause) But I miss you. (she's close to tears) So much. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAB - NEW YORK - EVENING] BROOKE: (smiling tearfully) Yeah, it's crazy(!) (tries to laugh) Listen, I gotta go but I can't wait to see you. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BATTLE RESIDENCE - BACK YARD - EVENING] LUCAS: ... I love you, babe. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAB - NEW YORK - EVENING] BROOKE: (choked up) I love you too. (She hangs up the phone.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BATTLE RESIDENCE - BACK YARD - EVENING] (Lucas hangs up with a smile and looks back to the court.) CHUCK BATTLE: Show 'em your move, baby, show 'em your move. (Chuck has the ball and is trying to block his son.) NATHAN: I got it. (Chuck throws the ball to his son.) AJ: What's-what's the matter? Too low for you to grab the ball? (bounces the ball) Got a bad back, old man? (Nathan frowns at his cheek. He looks at Tony and Chuck who laugh and he joins them. AJ gets the ball past Nathan, runs to the hoop, jumps and puts it through.) EVERYONE: OH! (Nathan's impressed.) MRS. BATTLE: AJ, that's my baby(!) (Chuck walks to Lucas, laughing.) CHUCK BATTLE: When you have finished your makeover, you should take over for me. (to his children) I'm headed out, kids. TONY BATTLE: (walks to his father) Alright, pop. Don't work too hard, man. (They hug.) CHUCK BATTLE: Hmmm, love you. TONY BATTLE: Love you, pop. (Chuck smiles and turns to Lucas and Nathan.) NATHAN: (holds out his hand) Thanks a lot, Mr. Battle. (they shake hands) I appreciate it. LUCAS: You got a... (shakes his hand) great family, sir. You must be proud of them. CHUCK BATTLE: I am. (looks at Nathan) You boys go strong, now. (pats Nathan) Come on, sweet. (Leah stands and follows him. Nathan, Lucas and Tony watch them.) NATHAN: (awed) Battle, man, you have... an awesome dad. TONY BATTLE: Yeah. You know, he coulda played D1 ball but, you know, just end up being a dad instead. NATHAN: He's not bitter about it at all. TONY BATTLE: No, my dad's in love with life, man. (pause) I mean, we're doing good now. But... when we were little, man, we came up broke as hell. LUCAS: ... What changed? TONY BATTLE: (shakes his head) Nothing. He just kept working the same two jobs. You know, he was happy then and he's happy now. (Nathan nods.) TONY BATTLE: You know, he says... regret makes you old... and bitterness poisons the people around you. LUCAS: (nods) Your father's a smart man. (Tony nods in return.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NEW YOUR (EST) - EVENING] (Birds-eye view of the lit up skyline of New York.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAB - NEW YORK - EVENING] (Brooke is looking out of the car window, desolate.) BROOKE: Um,... excuses me, Mr. cab driver. (pause) What's your name? DAOUD: ... You can call me Daoud. BROOKE: ... OK, I don't think I'm gonna call you dad. DAOUD: No, Da-oud. BROOKE: (laughs embarrassedly) Oh(!) Sorry, Daoud. (pause) Do you mind doing me a favour and turning on the radio? I have some... (inhales) really important decisions to make. DAOUD: Of course. (He turns the music on and Brooke frowns at it. The song's in Hindi and not something she can understand. She looks at Daoud.) BROOKE: Would you tell me what he's saying, please? DAOUD: (smiles) It's a story of a... young girl who's very sad. (Brooke smiles.) DAOUD: (watches her briefly through the mirror) She's torn between two men. (Brooke listens.) DAOUD: One man is... very rich... and offers to take her away from her home... and show her all the wonders of the world. BROOKE: So why is she torn? DAOUD: (smiles) Because the other man,... this man, she's known all her life. (pause) She loves him very much. (watches her through the mirror) (Brooke smiles sadly.) BROOKE: Yeah. (She thinks to herself seriously.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - EVENING] (Close-up of the water. Skills swims into the shot, swimming on his back and looking unsure. The shot zooms out to show that he's not actually swimming. Bevin is holding him steady in the water and he's wearing wings.) BEVIN: See, it's not so bad, it is? (Skills shakes his head.) BEVIN: You wanna try it by yourself? SKILLS: Uh, actually, I'm not ready for you to let me go just yet. BEVIN: (laughs) OK, but we can go upstairs whenever you want. SKILLS: You know what; I am kinda tired from all this floating. BEVIN: Well, um, just so you know; there's only one bed. (grins) I hope you're cool with that. SKILLS: (panicked) It's not a water bed, is it? (She laughs.) SKILLS: OK. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOTEL - PARKING LOT - EVENING] (Lucas and Nathan walk back to the hotel.) LUCAS: (looking down at his tie) So, AJ and I roughed you guys up tonight, huh? NATHAN: (looks at him for a beat) Yeah? You might wanna wipe the eye shadow off before you start talking smack. LUCAS: Nah, it's working for me. NATHAN: (sighs) I ate the food before saying grace. (struggles) How was I supposed to know? LUCAS: You're kidding, right? (Nathan shakes his head) You always say grace before dinner. I mean, granted, every time I did it, I was sitting at the counter at my mom's café and every time, it was... thank you for the chicken fingers. (Nathan laughs) But still, I mean- NATHAN: Yeah, well dinner for me was always a TV tray and whatever game was on. LUCAS: Yeah, I guess we can both thank Dan for those solo dinners, hey? NATHAN: Well, and then there's Chuck Battle; (pause) never had a father in his life and one generation just changed everything. LUCAS: (nods) Ah, you could do the same with Haley. (pause) Look, (slaps him on the shoulder) I'll catch up with you inside, alright? And do yourself a favour, take a bath, dude. You stink. (Nathan laughs and watches him go.) DAOUD: (v.o) But I don't understand how you think you can trust, uh- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAB - NEW YORK - EVENING] (Daoud has pulled the cab over and is talking to Brooke.) DAOUD: Lucas, this time around. BROOKE: It's... a long story that... frankly paints me in a really bad light. (He nods.) BROOKE: Hey, the... the meter's not still running, right? DAOUD: (looks at it) I shut it off when we parked. But, feel free to tip generously for my brilliant advice. (Brooke laughs sadly and nods.) BROOKE: I just don't understand... why I'm so sad... when I'm so young and there's great things happening for me(!) DAOUD: You have a lot of life ahead of you, you know? BROOKE: So, what're you saying? Why rush it? (pause) I mean, I can be a fashion designer when I grow up. I don't have to be one tomorrow. DAOUD: (shakes his head) No, I'm saying the opposite. (pause) Time passes you by, young lady. You have a long life, and you can start by making it great right now. My life would be very different if I could have the chance you've been given. (Brooke nods.) DAOUD: Would you rather drive a cab or design clothes? BROOKE: (nods) I see your point. (smiles happily for once) Thank you so much, Daoud. And good luck with everything. (reaches down for money) Here's, um,... (holds out the money) here's triple the fare. DAOUD: You have a very generous heart, Brooke Davis. (She smiles and reaches for the door, but turns back.) BROOKE: Hey, what happens with that song? (pause) The one about the girl torn between two lovers. DAOUD: Oh, there's much happiness, I assure you. (He starts the car again and Brooke gets out, still smiling. He looks at her. She waves and he drives off. Brooke smiles and spots a La Bouche poster with Solaris on the front. Her smile disappears as she remembers that world. The shot repeatedly cuts back and forth between her and it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROGUE VOGUE - MAIN AREA - EVENING] (Brooke walks back into Rouge Vogue with a noticeable amount of reluctance. She stops at the stage.) WOMAN: No cheerleading for you? (It the same woman from before, speaking from behind. Brooke turns to look at her. She's sitting at one of the chairs, looking as nasty as before. She's holding a clipboard and pen.) BROOKE: (quietly) No, I guess not. WOMAN: Well, if you do well on this show, there won't be time for things like that. You'll be the talk of the town. (Brooke smiles and nods.) BROOKE: It's just hard to let it go. WOMAN: There are designers here who have been struggling in the fashion world for years and yet, over night, this could be the start of your career. BROOKE: And the end of being a kid, right? WOMAN: (laughs) Being a kid ends for all of us, Brooke. Trust me. Having an apprenticeship with Donna Karen and your own label, makes things easier. (Brooke blinks but doesn't reply. The woman shrugs and grabs her bag before standing.) WOMAN: Good luck. (walks away) (Brooke stays in place, not any happier than when she arrived.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Nathan walks into the room and shuts the door. He stops when he sees all the lit candles on the floor and the tables.) NATHAN: (to the vacant room) Yeah, very funny, Lucas. Your ass is still sleeping on the floor(!) (He turns and heads into the bathroom. He pauses when he sees Haley inside it. She's in the bathtub with a lot of bubbles.) HALEY: Surprise. (laughs) I switched rooms with Lucas. I don't have to sleep on the floor, do I? NATHAN: (laughs) How'd you manage to switch rooms? HALEY: Well, believe it or not, Bevin, 'mastermind' maskey, arranged the whole thing. NATHAN: Come here. (Nathan kneels down beside the tub and kisses her.) NATHAN: (looking at the bubbles) There room in there for me? HALEY: (whispering) I thought you'd never ask. (Nathan gets in, still in his clothes.) HALEY: (gasps, shocked) Nathan! (laughs) Oh my god. Come here. (He leans forward and kisses her again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - EVENING] (Shot of the carpet as Rachel and Peyton stumble across it. The shot pans up. Peyton's singing off-key, completely drunk. Rachel is helping Peyton but she's not drunk.) PEYTON: (singing) And the stars are - what're they doing? They're crying! Come on; for what we could have had. (Rachel laughs.) RACHEL: OK, OK. PEYTON: No, no, I like that line! It reminds me of Luke-I mean Jake. (she corrects quickly) RACHEL: (laughs) Are you sure you don't mean Lucas? (They stop outside Peyton's hotel room.) PEYTON: No, it's Jake. RACHEL: (smirking) Well, whatever you say. PEYTON: (looking at the door) OK, well look, I have to go to sleep now, OK? But, oh (Rachel takes her key card) thank you. Thank you for hanging out with me. (Rachel opens the door for her.) PEYTON: You know, you're not neighbour of psycho I thought you were. (Rachel laughs and holds the door open.) RACHEL: Well, enjoy. (Peyton waves.) PEYTON: Goodnight. (walks through the door) (Rachel smirks to herself as the door closes behind her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - PEYTON'S ROOM - EVENING] (Peyton walks into the dark room and takes her jacket off. She sighs, rubs her face and walks to the bed. She climbs in and lies on the bed, breathing hard. The light suddenly snaps on and she frowns. She turns her head to find Lucas lying on the bed, just woken by her. He rubs his head confusedly.) (She's still breathing hard and he can smell her breath. He waves the smell away.) LUCAS: Are you drunk? (She laughs and looks at him for a beat.) PEYTON: Are you wearing eye shadow? (He continues to frown and Peyton turns her head away with a small moan.) LUCAS: Working through the pain? PEYTON: (sighs harshly) Kinda. (tearfully) Everything's gonna be alright, right? LUCAS: ... Yeah. (He doesn't seem very sure. Peyton nods.) LUCAS: (to himself) Yeah, it is. (He keeps thinking.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - PEYTON'S ROOM - DAY] (Peyton is asleep on the bed. She rubs her eyes. The camera pans left to show Lucas is also on the bed. Unknowingly, she flings herself across the bed and hits Lucas with her arm. Lucas stops his reading of the newspaper to look at her questioningly.) (Peyton, realising, turns back and groans.) PEYTON: Oh, god(!) (sighs and puts her hands to her face) (Lucas nods and resumes reading.) PEYTON: How drunk was I last night? LUCAS: (amused) Drunk enough to puke six times. PEYTON: (sighs again) Let me guess; Rachel. LUCAS: Yeah. (pause) Rachel's probably not the best person to use the 'buddy' system with. PEYTON: (groans painfully) I feel like you're always rescuing me. (pause) Also, like there's a giant elephant standing on my head. LUCAS: Yeah, well, I can't rescue you from the routine you have to do in three hours. (She sighs again.) LUCAS: I'll wake you up in a half hour. (She doesn't argue. She pulls the covers up over her head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - NATHAN'S ROOM - DAY] (Haley sighs in bed. She's lying on Nathan's chest.) HALEY: Oh, god, this bed was so comfortable. (laughs) (Nathan follows suit and laughs too. They look sideways at the floor they're sleeping on. They have spread the covers across it. Her stomach rumbles.) HALEY: Oh, (looking down) my. That was attractive. (looks at him) Room service? NATHAN: Actually,... let's have a proper sit-down breakfast somewhere. Family style. HALEY: Family style sound perfect. (kisses him) (He laughs. She hugs him hard and he returns it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - PEYTON'S ROOM - DAY] (Peyton is still lying on the bed. Lucas is sitting on the end, tying up his laces. There's a knock on the door.) LUCAS: (glancing up briefly) If it's the maid service, we're good, thanks. (Brooke walks in with a smile, wheeling in her luggage. She sees Lucas on the bed and Peyton, sleeping, and stops dead. Lucas looks at her, guilty as hell. She looks at him, nods and walks out, taking her stuff with her. Lucas rushes out of the room.) LUCAS: Brooke! (Brooke continues, not bothering to turn around.) BROOKE: (to herself) I can not believe I flew all the way back from New York for this. I am the dumbest girl alive. (Lucas continues to follow her as she turns the corner.) LUCAS: Brooke, don't freak out, OK?! Look, (pulls her to a stop) hey. Peyton was drunk. She crashed in my room by accident. It wasn't her fault. The rooms... got switched; she... didn't get the message, OK? I slept on the floor! (Brooke glares at him, wondering if she should believe him.) LUCAS: By the way, (pause) thrilled to see you. (grins) Hey, come on. (pause) What'd we say about trusting each other? (He puts a hand to her face.) LUCAS: You know, Peyton needs both of us right now. (Brooke frowns sadly and Lucas pulls her in for a hug.) BROOKE: (whispering) I missed you. (Lucas smiles.) BROOKE: (louder) I missed you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY] (All of the cheerleaders are already gathered in the lobby. Peyton walks in wearing sunglasses to block out the harsh sunlight.) RACHEL: (hands on hips) Well, well. (still smirking) Looks like somebody had a rough night. (Haley scowls at Rachel.) PEYTON: Says the girl who poured drinks down my throat and then dropped me off in my best friend's boyfriend's bed. RACHEL: (laughs) Look, I just lead you to the door, sweetheart. (crosses her arms) PEYTON: We're not giant pandas, you know? You can't just put us together and expect us to mate. And, do me a favour; talk soft - you've got a terrible voice. RACHEL: (mock sincere) Look, I was trying to help you out. I'm s-s-sorry if it's not what you wanted. PEYTON: You know what, you can't see it, but underneath my sunglasses, I'm rolling my eyes. (Peyton's phone rings and she scrambles to answer it.) PEYTON: (looks at the screen) Oh, speak of the devil. (Peyton shows Rachel the screen. It's Brooke.) RACHEL: Look, don't take that. We have to get ready. Brooke is not a part of this. (Peyton happily ignores her and answers the phone.) PEYTON: (into the phone) You are so happy you're not me, right now. (Rachel looks away, exasperated.) BROOKE: You sound level 10 hung over. (Brooke walks across the shot, at the back where no one can see her.) PEYTON: Yeah, well, you should see me. (Brooke turns, smiling.) BROOKE: Yeah, you look like ass too. (Confused, Peyton lowers the phone.) HALEY: (shocked) Brooke, what the heck?! (Brooke grins and shuts her phone. Peyton turns around, delighted.) PEYTON: HEY! (Peyton walks to her and they hug.) HALEY: What about the fashion show?! BROOKE: (walks forward smiling) Got the rest of my life for that stuff. Not so much to be seventeen with my friends. RACHEL: How sweet. (walks forward) Unfortunately,... my routine only needs nine girls. Not ten. (Brooke nods uncaringly.) RACHEL: Which means... you're gonna have to sit this one out, captain. BROOKE: Well, I think we can manage, right girls? (asks the rest of the team) BEVIN: Yes! (The rest of the squad nod.) HALEY: Yeah! (laughs) (Rachel looks at them, annoyed.) BROOKE: (to Rachel, mocking) And watch me for the changes. (Rachel realises she's lost them.) BROOKE: (still mocking) Come on, girls. Let's stretch(!) (Brooke smirks at Rachel and the cheerleaders follow Brooke. Rachel stands there, hands back on her hips as she fumes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SPARKLE CLASSIC - ENTRANCE - DAY] (Some guys walk past the door. Peyton opens it and steps out. She takes the glasses off, puts a hand to her eyes and lowers herself onto the top step. She slips the sunglasses into the inside pocket of her jacket. She takes out the picture of Ellie holding her when she had just been born. It's the same picture Ellie was looking at just before she died.) (Peyton gapes and turns the picture around. Written on it is 'First day with Peyton'. She looks at the picture sadly. Lucas runs up the steps and sits beside her. She spots him and hides the picture, sighing.) LUCAS: You OK? PEYTON: You can't be out here with me. LUCAS: Nah, it's OK. (pause) I talked to Brooke. She knows what happened. PEYTON: It's not OK. (pause) I mean, it is, but,... it's hard on Brooke so s- (pause) (nods) I'll be fine. (smiles) (Lucas looks down. He doesn't believe her. He reaches over and looks at the picture.) LUCAS: You know, (pause) Peyton, you could learn a lot from Ellie. I mean, she... struck me as... tough. PEYTON: (laughs and nods) Yeah. LUCAS: And that's important, but... I also think you could learn a lot from her mistakes. Don't (shakes his head) live you life alone. (She looks away.) LUCAS: Let us in. (Peyton finds it difficult but still nods. Lucas touches her shoulder before standing and walking back inside. Peyton looks down and cries. She holds the picture up and looks at it again.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SPARKLE CLASSIC - THE STAGE - DAY] (The basketball players and general people are sat in the crowd, cheering.) COMMENTATOR: And how about a warm welcome for the Palmeadow Panthers?! (The crowd cheer and clap. The shot cuts to Karen and Keith.) KEITH: You know, I'm still trying to figure out which was more fun last night: sleeping on the floor, or, uh,... Whitey snoring the theme song to Mash. (Karen looks at him and smiles.) KEITH: Top that. KAREN: Well, let's see, um,... I took a bath, uh,... I hung out with Haley and watched an adult movie. (Keith looks at her, eyebrows raised.) KEITH: Hm, Haley is a bad influence. KAREN: Most of all, I missed you. (Keith looks at her and smiles. The cheering suddenly starts up again and Keith and Karen join in.) (Cut to the cheerleaders who are huddled together backstage.) RACHEL: OK, Peyton, focus. (Peyton scowls at her, disbelievingly.) RACHEL: Brooke, try to keep up. Bevin, don't be an idiot. (Brooke watches Rachel, arms crossed.) RACHEL: We're winning that trophy. Alright, let's go. (Rachel makes to walk away.) BROOKE: And one last thing, girls. (They all wait for her.) BROOKE: (smiles) Have fun. (The cheerleaders sigh with relief. The lights dim and they run out onto the stage.) COMMENTATOR: And, next up, this years Secret Sparkle Classic - when you're strong, you sparkle, the Tree Hill Ravens Cheerleaders! (The crowd is also in complete darkness. Karen and Keith are still clapping. Lucas and Nathan are also clapping. The lights come back on and the girls perform their routine.) (Lucas is grinning but it falls when the empty seat beside him is filled... by Skills.) LUCAS: (amused) What're you doing here? (sniffs and touches Skills' top) And what the hell do you smell like the surf for? SKILLS: Vanilla body spray. (grins) Plus, (points) Bevin teaching me how to swim. LUCAS: (laughs, confused) Skills, you're the best swimmer I know. SKILLS: (nods, smiling) Right, I swim-lessoned her, dawg. Had to get her back for Notebooking me. You know. (Shot cuts back to the stage.) RACHEL: (looks back, glaring) Dig it up, Peyton! PEYTON: (still doing the routine) Can't help it, someone got me drunk last night. (They continue.) SKILLS: GO, BEVIN! (Bevin waves at him and loses her place. She stumbles back into place. Peyton loses her balance and falls into two cheerleaders. A cheerleading team in the crowd gasp. Brooke looks around, lost. Bevin helps one of the cheerleaders up.) (Rachel drops her arms and looks back.) CHEERLEADER: (looking at another cheerleader) I'm sorry. (Peyton looks back at the rest, distressed. Brooke just smiles wider and jumps to the front of the stage. She starts a robot-dance. Peyton grins at her and Haley gapes. Bevin laughs and so does Peyton.) (Rachel glares and walks off-stage. Haley does her own silly little dance. The Ravens basketball players can't understand what's going on. Each cheerleader starts dancing, acting silly and enjoying it.) (Nathan laughs from where he's sitting. Rachel looks back briefly. The crowd start clapping again.) KEITH: (clapping) Go, Ravens! (Lucas and Skills stand. Lucas hits Nathan on the shoulder and he also stands. They walk onto the stage and join in with the dancing. The crowd stand and clap. Brooke hugs Lucas.) (Suddenly, other cheerleaders also run onto the stage. Rachel stands there, arms crossed. Other players also run onto the stage. There's a mad scrum. Skills dances with Bevin. More people continue to run on.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROGUE VOGUE - BACKSTAGE - DAY] (Solaris is at her vanity, putting random boots on.) WOMAN: Solaris, you're wearing two different shoes, you moron. (She's standing with Travis.) WOMAN: You might wanna lay off the drugs, considering you don't have that many brain cells to begin with. TRAVIS: It doesn't matter anyway. Brooke Davis checked out this morning. (Solaris looks away and the shot zooms in on her.) TRAVIS: Can you believe she walked away from all this? (Solaris smiles, happy for Brooke.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SPARKLE CLASSIC - THE STAGE - DAY] (Brooke has her arm around Haley, laughing and having the time of her life. She puts her other arm around Peyton and they continue to jump.) (Fade to Karen and Keith who are just watching it all with shock and awe.) KEITH: You know, if the rest of my days are like this,... (nods) I'm gonna die a happy man. (Karen looks at him wordlessly. He looks back at her.) KAREN: ... Marry me. KEITH: ... You can't... propose to me - I was gonna propose to you- (She cuts him off, kissing him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY] WHITEY: (o.s) I'M TELLING YOU- (Whitey is at the desk, angry. He bangs his fist on the counter.) WHITEY: -I DID NOT ORDER ANY... (scowls, embarrassed) pornography. (The shot continues panning across.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SPARKLE CLASSIC - THE STAGE - DAY] (Nathan and Haley dance.) LUCAS: (v.o) Most of our life is a series of images. (pause) They pass us by like towns on the highway. (Nathan twirls her.) LUCAS: (v.o) But sometimes, a moment stuns us as it happens. (Fade to Lucas and Brooke on the stage together, having fun.) LUCAS: (v.o) And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. (Fade to Skills and Bevin together.) LUCAS: (v.o) We know that this moment... every part of it... will live on forever. (Fade to Haley, Brooke and Peyton, back together again.) (They're laughing and jumping and enjoying themselves.) (The shot fades to a birds-eye view as all the cheerleaders throw their pom-poms into the air. The shot, the moment freezes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DAN'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Lucas empties all of the shredded paper from the shredder in Dan's office. He cleverly replaces it with a different bag of shredded paper from his backpack and exits the office; looking back for a few moments.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (The camera pans to the front door and it opens to show Nathan. He enters, drops his bag and plays the answer phone message.) ELECTRONIC VOICE: You have one new message. (Nathan looks at it. Haley's voice can be heard.) HALEY: (Answer message.) Nathan, it's me. (Nathan looks away from it.) I... I just needed to call because I want you to know- (He presses delete on the machine.) ELECTRONIC VOICE: Message has been erased. (He takes his wedding ring out of his pocket and looks at it. He sets it on the speaker of the answer phone and walks away, to his bedroom.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL POLICE STATION - VISITORS ROOM - EVENING] (Peyton walks into the room. She sits at a booth with a phone and a glass front, blocking her from the person at the other end. She lifts the receiver and Jake does the same at the other end; in a bright orange shirt.) PEYTON: (Looks at him, almost crying.) Why didn't you tell me? JAKE: I knew you'd talk me out of it. (They laugh sadly.) PEYTON: So, where's Jenny? JAKE: She's safe. (He nods and so does Peyton. She's trying not to cry.) PEYTON: (Just looks at him for a while.) ... I love you. JAKE: I love you, too. (Peyton smiles sadly and they touch the glass with their fingertips, unable to feel each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WHITEY'S CAR - THE ROAD - EVENING] (Whitey is sitting in his car, driving away. The camera pans to the back seat where Jenny is sitting in her carrier, awake and quiet.)

Plan: A: a hurry; Q: Brooke is forced to grow up in what? A: a New York City fashion show; Q: What is Brooke's trip to New York City for? A: annual; Q: What kind of cheerleading tournament did Brooke miss? A: a swimming lesson; Q: What does Skills trick Bevin into giving him? A: her birth mother's cancer; Q: What is Peyton struggling with? A: Rachel; Q: Who does Peyton join for a night of blowing off steam? A: Haley; Q: Who does Nathan use his hotel room as a honeymoon suite with? A: The Velvet Underground; Q: What band is this episode named after? Summary: Brooke is forced to grow up in a hurry when her trip to a New York City fashion show prevents her from attending an annual cheerleading tournament. Nathan and Lucas are influenced by the father of a friend. Skills tells Bevin he can't swim to trick her into giving him a swimming lesson. Struggling with her birth mother's cancer, Peyton joins Rachel for a night of blowing off steam. Haley and Nathan use their hotel room as the honeymoon suite they never had. This episode is named after a song by The Velvet Underground and Nico .

Forest Merlin, Arthur, and the Knights ride through the woods. They slow. Merlin catches sight of the king's stone head in the grass. Merlin: Arthur, you are not serious. Arthur: What else do you have in mind? Merlin: Anything. Nothing good ever happens in the Valley of the Fallen Kings. No-one in their right mind would go in there. Percival: Exactly. Arthur: The routes are secret, Merlin. That's why we chose it. [BATTLE CRIES] A band of armed men rushes down the hillside yelling. Merlin: Not so secret after all. Arthur: No need to get cocky! More men rush down from the other hillside. The knights draw their swords. Cavalry charges them from behind. [SCREAMS] Percival: Ya! Percival charges and cuts a man down from his horse. Arthur fights with a man on foot and is pulled off his horse. Arthur cuts him down and fends off another attacker, but Merlin dismounts as he sees a horseman charging Arthur from behind. Merlin: Arthur! Merlin cast a spell and the horseman falls off and is dragged behind his horse. Arthur finishes off his attacker. Merlin turns just in time to see a horseman swing a mace into his chest. [SLOW HEART BEAT SOUND] Merlin slowly falls on the ground. Arthur slices another attacker and stops in horror when he sees Merlin sprawled limply face first on the ground. [BATTLE CRIES FADE OUT] - Opening Credits - Valley of the Fallen Kings Arthur supports Merlin's weight as they hurry through the forest, pursued by the mercenaries. They hide behind some tree roots and the pursuers pass by. Merlin: They need to work through their anger. Arthur: They just did. On you. Merlin chuckles through his pain. Arthur looks disconcerted by Merlin's condition. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur supports Merlin's weight as they make their way through the forest. Arthur: A night's rest and you'll be polishing my armour. They could definitely do with a scrub. Arthur eases Merlin down against a fallen log, takes off his glove and checks Merlin's wound. Merlin looks at the wound and up at Arthur, struck by the role reversal. Arthur tries to make light of it to cover how bad it looks. Arthur: I've seen worse. I've definitely seen worse. Merlin: On a dead man? Arthur: You're not going to die, Merlin. Don't be such a coward. Merlin: If I do die, will you call me a hero? Arthur: Probably. Merlin: But whilst I'm still alive, I'm a coward. Arthur: That's the way these things work, I'm afraid. You get the glory when you're not around to appreciate it. Merlin: Unless you're the king. Arthur: Come on, it's got to have some advantages. Merlin: You have a very good servant. Merlin smiles at his joke, but can't block out the pain. Arthur: You're right. I do. A servant who is extremely brave and incredibly loyal, to be honest, not at all cowardly. Merlin: Thank you for saving my life. Arthur: You'd do the same for me. Birds chirp. Arthur starts as he hears twigs crack and a bird take flight. He looks over at Merlin who is still lying in pain. Arthur gets up sharply and sheathes his sword. Arthur: I'd love to say we can stay here and rest, but another ten minutes, we'll be mercenary mincemeat. He pulls Merlin up by the arm and lifts him into a fireman's carry. Merlin: Leave me. Arthur: Now's not the time for jokes. Merlin: Please, leave me. Arthur: Sure. Whatever you say. Arthur ignores him and heads off with Merlin on his back. [MERLIN WINCES] Arthur comes to a set of stairs in a crevice and sees a mercenary at the other end. He sets Merlin down, who grunts in pain, and draws his sword. Arthur fights the mercenary. Another mercenary comes at Arthur from behind. Arthur kills the two men, but many more run past Merlin and rush into the crevice after Arthur. Merlin: ***Gewican ge stanas!*** Boulders fall into the crevice, cutting off the mercenaries. Arthur realises he's being cut off from Merlin and panics. Arthur: Merlin! Boulders entirely fill the crevice. Merlin lies back exhausted and someone picks him up. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Agravaine leads the mercenaries as they drag Merlin unconscious to Morgana's feet. Morgana: We lost how many men? And you bring me how many men? Or should I say, how many servants? Morgana angrily kicks Merlin over. Agravaine: Arthur was within our grasp. Morgana: Is that supposed to make me feel better? Agravaine: The rock fall was hardly our fault. I must show my presence in Camelot. The old physician already suspects me. Morgana: Oh, Gaius is shrewd, you should take care. After all, if your true nature's revealed, I really don't know what use I'll have for you. Agravaine: Morgana... She turns away. He stops. Agravaine: I'll dispatch this servant. Agravaine draws his sword and poises to strike. Morgana: You will do no such thing. Arthur is strangely fond of the boy. He could prove useful. Very useful, indeed. Morgana walks off with a smile. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's hovel Morgana douses Merlin with a bucket of water and he jolts awake, hanging from the ceiling by his wrists. Morgana: Good morning. Merlin: Is it? Morgana: Oh, don't be like that. We have a lot of catching up to do. After all, I haven't seen you since you condemned my sister to a slow and painful death, thwarted my plans to take over Camelot, and forced me to live in a hovel. Merlin: Couldn't do me a favour, could you? Let Arthur know? He still thinks of me of an under-achiever, but I'm quite proud of those accomplishments. I can die happy. Morgana: Oh, you're not going to die. Oh, no. I'm not going to make it that easy. [SCENE_BREAK] Valley of the Fallen Kings The Knights search the woods. Sir Leon directs the search, but hears something behind him and turns to attack. Arthur parries his swing. Sir Leon smiles in relief. Arthur: Nice to see you, too! [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot The knights ride into Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Council Chamber Gaius enters. The knights, Arthur, and Guinevere are already gathered. Gaius: Where's Merlin? Arthur: He's alive. Last I saw of him, he was still alive. (to Sir Leon) Dispatch patrols at first light. Scour every inch of that forest. Sir Leon: Yes, sire. Sir Leon and the knights exit. Arthur: We'll find him, Gaius.We will. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's hovel Morgana: You know, there's one thing I don't understand, Merlin.You're Arthur's servant, nothing more. Yet time and again, you've proved yourself willing to lay down your life for him. Merlin: What are you doing? Morgana: Have you never seen Gaius clean a wound before? Merlin: All right, I know what you're doing. What I don't know is why. Morgana grabs his face. Morgana: I believe I asked you a question first. Why are you so loyal to Arthur? Merlin: I don't expect you to understand, Morgana. You have no sense of duty, no sense of loyalty. Morgana: You're wrong. Don't think I don't understand loyalty just because I've got no-one left to be loyal to. Morgana places her hand over Merlin's wound. Morgana: *** Ic de durhhaele dinu licsa mid dam sundorcraeft daere ealdan ae. Drycraeft durhhaele dina wunda.*** She grabs Merlin's face again and shoves him as he falls unconscious. [SCENE_BREAK] Council Chamber Agravaine: We have scoured the forest. Arthur: Scour it again. Sir Leon: Sire, there is no sign of Merlin. Agravaine approaches Arthur. Agravaine: None, but this. Agravaine places a scrap of Merlin's bloody jacket on the map in front of Arthur. Arthur stares at it. Agravaine: I am sorry you've lost such a loyal and... Arthur holds up a hand, stopping him. Arthur: The mercenaries, what news of them? Sir Leon: We found no trace. Agravaine: Surely sent by that snake Alinor. Arthur: It can't be. How? Our route was known only to a few within Camelot. Sir Leon: Then there's only one conclusion we can draw. We have a traitor in our midst. Gaius looks slowly at Agravaine. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's hovel Morgana holds up a medallion with a snake-tree on it and incants a spell. Morgana: *** Astige du wyrm fah ond gedeowie daet mod disse deowes. Hine bind ond da heold. Awend hi ealle.*** Morgana casts the medallion in the flames. A hiss rises out of the metal bowl as the flames disappear. The snake-tree has come to life. Morgana smiles. Morgana: I take it you've never met a Fomorroh before. The Fomorroh hisses and Morgana giggles evilly. Morgana: Oh, he's a little grumpy. Morgana pets the Fomorroh. Morgana: He's not used to being out in the light. Well, my friend, I have called you from your depths for a very good reason. Morgana takes a dagger and slices off one of the Fomorroh's heads. It writhes, still alive, and another head grows back on the main body. Merlin looks on, unsettled. Morgana: Thz Fomorroh are creatures of dark magic. Even if you cut off their heads, you cannot kill them. Another will just grow in its place. Merlin glares at Morgana, dreading what's coming. Morgana: In the days of the Old Religion, they were revered by the High Priestesses because they allowed them to control people's minds. Morgana approaches Merlin menacingly and he glares at her, disgusted. Morgana: The Fomorroh will suck the life force out of you and everything that makes you Merlin will be gone. And in its place there will be just one thought. One thought that will grow until it's consumed you completely. One thought that will be your life's work. You will not be able to rest until it's done. And that one thought is simple. You must kill Arthur Pendragon. Morgana places the Fomorroh at Merlin's neck and it burrows into it, making him writhe in pain. [MERLIN SCREAMS] It squirms under the surface of his skin. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot The sun rises over Camelot. Morning bells ring in the city. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur'S Chambers [COCK CROWS] Arthur stirs groggily as a rooster crows, joining in the morning bells. He opens his eyes to see a blurry vision that looks like a general outline of Merlin. He opens his eyes to focus and sees a very prim looking servant waiting at the end of his bed, dressed much like Merlin. Arthur: Who are you? George: I am your new man servant, sire. I have polished your armour, sharpened your sword, selected your clothes. There is a slight chill in the air today, sir. And now, if you would allow me, I would like to serve you breakfast. Arthur looks over at the table and sees it covered in bread and fruit. Arthur: What's your name? George: George, sire, at your service. George unfolds a napkin and places it over Arthur's chest as he lies in bed. Arthur: George. Llisten George, it's all very impressive. George places an extra pillow behind Arthur's head. Arthur: Very impressive, indeed. Bbut I already have a man servant. All right, he's shabby looking, has appalling manners... George hands Arthur a goblet. Arthur: ...he's extremely forgetful. He seems to spend most of his time in the tavern. George hands him a plate. Arthur: But he is... Arthur looks at the cup and plate in his hand and George fetches a fork. Arthur: My man servant. Arthur hands the plate and cup back to George. Arthur: To be honest, I quite like it that way. Arthur tosses the napkin at George and scrambles out of bed, leaving George confused. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle square Gwen follows Arthur out of the palace. Gwen: I'm as worried about Merlin as you are. Arthur: You're not going to change my mind. Gwen: Who knows if the mercenaries have even left the forest? Arthur: I have to go. Gwen: The patrols found no sign of him. Arthur: Do you really expect me to accept that? Just to sit here and take their word that Merlin's gone? I won't rest until I at least try. Gwen: I know, but just...do one thing for me. Please don't go alone. Gwaine: He won't be going alone. Gwaine rides up, ready to go. They turn to look at him. Arthur: See, now you've condemned me to a day of mindless chatter. Gwen: Good. Arthur places a comforting hand on her shoulder. Arthur: We'll return. Gwen: You better. Arthur mounts and the two of them ride off. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Merlin awakens in the woods, completely covered in mud. Gwaine: You know what I like about Merlin? He never expects any praise. All these things he does just for the good of doing them. Arthur holds out his arm for silence, sensing something. They stop and dismount as they hear someone and draw their swords. Arthur: Declare yourself. Merlin struggles out of the mud and steps onto the path. [MERLIN LAUGHS] Arthur: Merlin! Arthur sticks his sword in the ground and walks over to Merlin. Arthur: I thought we'd lost you. Arthur gives the extremely muddy Merlin a big hug. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius Chambers The Fomorroh writhes under Merlin's skin. Gaius serves Merlin supper. Gaius: Don't do that again, Merlin. My heart cannot take the strain. Merlin: Yes, well, you are getting on a bit. Gaius looks at Merlin in surprise. Merlin: What is this? Gaius: It's a special welcome home. Your favourite. Merlin takes one sip of the soup and gags. Merlin: I think that you should stick to cooking up potions, Gaius. This tastes like the bog Arthur found me in. Gaius gives an uncertain chuckle. Gaius: How did you escape? Merlin: With great skill. Can I ask you something? Gaius: Yes, of course. Anything. Merlin: What is the strongest poison that you possess? Gaius regards Merlin. Merlin: I had this great opportunity to lace the bandits' food with poison and nothing to do it with. Merlin gets up and walks over to a table full of potions. Gaius: Well, that would be aconite. Merlin: A... conite? Merlin spots it on the table and takes the bottle. Merlin: Well, I think I should take some of this with me from now on. You never know when you might need to kill someone. Merlin takes off and Gaius mulls over Merlin's curious behaviour. Gaius: Indeed. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle kitchens Merlin prepares Arthur's meal. He finishes it off by dousing it with aconite, then places the bottle back in his jacket pocket. He bumps into the head cook. Merlin: You stink worse than your food. One of the cook's assistants grins. The Cook: Back to work. Or I'll be using your face to scrub that pot clean. The assistant turns back to her work. [SCENE_BREAK] Phoenix corridor Gwaine intercepts Merlin on his way to Arthur's chambers. Gwaine: Ah, bog man. I have to say, you're smelling better. Gwaine pulls off his glove with his teeth and tries to take some food off of the plate. Merlin: This is food for the king of Camelot, and is not meant to be soiled by your filthy fingers! Merlin is able to avoid Gwaine's grasp. Gwaine stares at Merlin as he grumpily hurries off. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers Merlin walks in to find Gwen already serving Arthur a meal. Arthur: Thank you, Guinevere. That's very kind. Merlin: Oh, I might've known. Gwen pours Arthur's drink. Arthur: Hello, Merlin. Merlin: What's this? Arthur: Er...lunch. Merlin (to Gwen): Look, I know you like to take every opportunity to be by his side, but this is just getting ridiculous. You'll be pouring his bath water next. Arthur: Merlin, is something wrong? Merlin: This is what's wrong. Merlin points to the food Gwen brought. Gwen: I was just trying to help. I thought you needed some rest. Merlin: Rest? No, I don't need rest. Do you know how long it took me to prepare this meal? I cooked it myself. Merlin switches the plates. Arthur: I think this is just a case of a simple misunderstanding. Arthur switches the plates back. Merlin: Oh, yes. Well, you would take her side. Arthur: Excuse me? Merlin, I think you must be tired. You've been through quite an ordeal. Merlin: I just want to resume my normal duties. Arthur: Well, I'll be pleased to have your assistance preparing for the knighting ceremony later. Arthur hands Merlin's plate of food back to him. Merlin: Thank you, sire. Merlin glares at Gwen. She gives an uncertain smile. Merlin starts to leave, turns to say something, then thinks better of it and exits. [SCENE_BREAK] Lower town Merlin walks down the street and tosses the plate into a pigsty. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius Chambers Merlin is pacing behind Gaius. Gaius: Merlin, are you all right? Merlin: I'm pacing. Gaius: Yes, I can see that. Merlin: A man who is "all right" does not pace, Gaius. Gaius: Well, that's why I asked. Merlin: I am wrestling with a problem and there are many factors to take into consideration, and I have not yet come up with a solution. Gaius: Can I be of assistance? Merlin (scoffs):Ah, no. Gaius: Would you like to share the problem with me? Merlin: No. Gaius: Sometimes two heads are better than one. Merlin: Yes, but not when one of them's yours. [SCENE_BREAK] Armory Sir Leon puts away a sword and sees Merlin searching for something. Sir Leon: What are you after? Merlin: Arthur wants a crossbow. Sir Leon: That one's ancient - probably wouldn't hurt a fly. Merlin: If you did want to hurt a fly, or even a human, what would you use? Sir Leon: You would use a thing of beauty like this. Merlin is excited as Sir Leon pulls a shiny new crossbow off the wall. Sir Leon: Carved from fifty-year-old ash. Sir Leon admires the crossbow, then hands it to Merlin with a smile. Merlin holds it as if to fire it. Sir Leon: Erm, be careful ... Merlin accidentally releases the arrow and it blows apart a barrel across the room. Merlin stares open mouthed. Merlin: Oh! Sir Leon: Will that do the job? Merlin beams, excited. Merlin: Oh, yes. That will do the job nicely. Merlin laughs gleefully. Sir Leon: Er, what is the job, exactly? Merlin (gleefully): To kill Arthur. Sir Leon: He's driving you mad, is he? Merlin: Not for much longer. Sir Leon laughs as Merlin heads out with the crossbow and quiver. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers Merlin sets up a crossbow booby-trap in Arthur's wardrobe. He tests it and the arrow flies straight into the bedpost. Merlin sighs excitedly. Arthur: Talk about a bad use of time. Merlin uses the bed curtain to hide the arrow while he pulls it out. Arthur: We have a potential traitor in our midst and I have to prepare for a knighting ceremony. Maybe it's one of the knights who wants to kill me. Merlin finally pulls out the arrow and closes the wardrobe. Arthur: Maybe it's you. Ha. Merlin tenses. Arthur notices. Arthur: Don't look so worried, Merlin. I don't really think you want to kill me. [SCENE_BREAK] Lower town Gwen walks by the pigsty and notices a crowd gathered around it. She skirts around to find an opening and sees Arthur's silver platter next to half-eaten food and a dead pig. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius chambers Gaius holds the chicken up to his nose and sniffs it. Gaius: Aconite... Wolfsbane to you. The most deadly poison known to man. Gwen: What was it doing on Arthur's food? Gaius: Merlin took some from here earlier. Gwen: He was really angry when he realised Arthur wasn't going to eat it. Gaius: He has been behaving very strangely. Gwen: But why would Merlin want to kill Arthur? Gaius: Merlin wouldn't. Not if he was in his right mind. [SCENE_BREAK] Corridor Gwen and Gaius pass Sir Leon in the hallway. Gwen: Have you seen Merlin? Sir Leon: He was in the armoury. Gaius: What did he want in there? Sir Leon (chuckles): A crossbow. I think Arthur must be getting on his nerves. Gwen: Why? Sir Leon (whispers): He said he was going to kill him. Sir Leon bursts out laughing and walks off. Gwen and Gaius exchange a worried look. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers Merlin resets the wardrobe booby-trap while Arthur dresses. Arthur: What do you think about Percival? Merlin: He's very big. Arthur: Does that make him a traitor? Merlin: Are you going to get dressed? Arthur steps out from behind his dressing screen. Arthur: Have you got somewhere to be? Merlin: Percival's family were killed by Cenred's army. He hates everything to do with Morgana. Arthur: You're right. He has pledged his allegiance. Arthur walks over to the wardrobe and pauses with his hand on the doorknob, thinking. Merlin waits impatiently. Arthur: I'm wrong to doubt him. I need to put it from my mind. The Fomorroh writhes in Merlin's neck. Merlin: You must get dressed. Arthur: Indeed. Arthur opens the wardrobe, but the crossbow doesn't fire. Arthur: Elyan didn't ride out with us. Merlin lets out his breath, surprised that it didn't fire. Arthur closes the wardrobe and walks away. Arthur: Maybe he's concerned about my relationship with Guinevere. Arthur goes behind the dressing screen and Merlin stomps over to the wardrobe and opens it, narrowly dodging the arrow as it shoots into the bedpost. Merlin pulls it out. Arthur: Elyan, could he be the traitor? My father killed his father. Could you get me my ceremonial sword? Merlin gets an idea. Merlin: The ceremonial sword - of course. Merlin fetches it to kill Arthur. Arthur: I find it hard to believe that Elyan would think ill of me, but you can't trust anyone. Merlin tests out the sword. Arthur: In fact, I think you, Merlin, are the only person I CAN trust. Merlin raises the sword to strike just as Gwen and Gaius burst in. Arthur: I know, I'm late. Merlin rushes forward to attack, but Arthur moves and Merlin runs into the column and falls over. Arthur turns around and sees Merlin on the floor unconscious. He picks up the ceremonial sword, and then strolls out. Gwen gives Arthur a fake smile on his way out. Merlin wakes and Gwen smashes a metal pitcher over his head, knocking him out again. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius chambers Gaius reads an entry in a book as Gwen grimaces at the creature crawling under Merlin's skin. Gaius: I feared as much. Gwen: What is it? Gaius hands her the book. Gaius: It's a Fomorroh. She looks at the drawing of it in the book. Gaius: Whoever put it there was very highly skilled. Gwen: What does it do? Gaius: In the days of the Old Religion, they were used by the High Priestess to enslave the minds of their enemies. Once a thought was planted, the victim would not stop till they'd accomplished it. First we must paralyse the serpent. Gwen hands him a bowl and Gaius dabs a saturated pouch on Merlin's neck. The Fomorroh grows still. Gwen: Is it dead? Gaius: Sadly not. Merely dormant. Now for the tricky bit. Pass me the blade. Gwen hands it to him. She grimaces as Gaius cuts it out. Gaius tosses it into the fire. Gwen: That's it? Gaius: I believe so. Gwen (relieved): We have the old Merlin back. Arthur is safe once more. Gaius: Let us hope so. [SCENE_BREAK] Agravaine's chambers Arthur slowly enters gravely as Agravaine sits at his desk. Agravaine: Arthur. What an unexpected pleasure. Arthur: There's something I wish to discuss with you, Uncle. Arthur enters slowly, his hand on his sword. Agravaine: Of course. Arthur: I'm afraid I don't take the matter of the traitor as lightly as you do. Agravaine: Sire, I hope you don't think I meant... Arthur holds up a hand to stop him. Arthur: I have been looking into how the mercenaries discovered the route through the forest. None of the knights had the opportunity to betray me. I have questioned the councillors. Only three were aware of the treaty. Of those, none but yourself knew of the route I was planning to take. Agravaine: Are you seriously suggesting that I... ? Arthur: It brings me no pleasure to doubt you, Uncle. Agravaine: Then let me reassure you that you have no reason to doubt. You are all that is left of my dear sister. Agravaine steps closer to Arthur. Agravaine: If I betray you, Arthur, I betray her, and that I will never do. Arthur still isn't convinced. Agravaine: There is one other person who knew your route. Gaius. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot The sun rises over Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius chambers Merlin emerges from his room with a smile he gathers supplies from Gaius's work table. Gaius wakes. Merlin smiles. Gaius: How do you feel? Merlin: Never better. Gaius: It's great to have you back. Merlin looks confused. Gaius : What do you remember? Merlin: About what? Merlin turns around. Gaius: I take it that means nothing. Gaius spots the Fomorroh in Merlin's neck. Merlin: I got a feeling today is going to be a good day. Gaius stares at Merlin as he leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers Arthur: My father prepared me well for being king, but he told me nothing of the loneliness of the job. Merlin pours Arthur's bath water. Arthur: What it's like to have all eyes on you, waiting for you to provide the answer. Merlin pulls out a bottle of salts. Arthur: In all the years I watched him, he never wavered in his certainty. Merlin uncorks the bottle and pours the salts in the water. Arthur: He was strong, he was sure. And I'm not in that place yet. The water foams and bubbles. In the corridor, Gwen and Gaius hurry towards Arthur's chambers. Arthur: I value the guidance of others. Maybe I've been foolish to do so. Merlin places a sword in the bath water. He pulls it out and it's deformed. Those weren't bath salts. Arthur: Everyone has their own agenda. Gwen enters with Gaius and sees Merlin with the deformed sword. Arthur: It feels like I can trust no one anymore. Gwen rushes forward and knocks Merlin out with the same pitcher. Merlin falls back into Gaius's arms and Gaius hides him behind the column. Just then, Arthur chooses to step out from behind the screen completely undressed. Arthur: Is that how you see it, Merlin? Guinevere! Arthur covers himself. Gwen: Arthur! Gwen tries to pretend there's nothing awry, then realises he's naked and averts her eyes. He grabs a pillow from his bed and covers himself more effectively. Arthur tries to act dignified. Arthur: Gaius. Gwen and Gaius just stand there, trying to think of a way out of this. Arthur: You're not Merlin. Gwen: No. There was a problem with the bath water. Arthur: Really? Gwen: Yes. It's cold. Very cold. Arthur steps forward to look at it. Gwen (quickly): Merlin's gone to remedy it. I don't think you can have a bath today! Arthur looks up sharply. Gwen tries to cover her panic with an awkward smile. Arthur steps back. Arthur: Right... Good job I'm not very dirty, then. Gwen (nervous laughter): It's a good job indeed! Gaius chuckles with her, trying to hide and support Merlin behind the column. Arthur nods awkwardly, waiting for them to leave. They don't. He side steps awkwardly behind his dressing screen. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius chambers Merlin lies face down on a table while Gaius examines the revived Fomorroh. Gwen: So, let me get this straight. If you kill one, another grows in its place. Gaius: I've heard such stories in the past, but never thought they were true. Gaius dabs Merlin's neck with the paralyser concoction. Gaius: That will silence it for a while. Gaius opens a smoking canister and holds it under Merlin's nose. He jerks awake, coughing. Merlin: What is that? Arthur's socks? Gwen smiles a little and Merlin takes in his situation. Merlin: What are you trying to do to me? Gaius: I'm trying to stop you from killing the king. Merlin: Ooh. Merlin staggers as he feels something. Merlin stuffs his face with berries. Gaius: So, you don't remember anything? Merli: I remember Morgana conjuring the snake, but...nothing more. No. Merlin flips through a book. Gaius: Lucky for us you're such a bad assassin. Merlin: Well, all is well now. I feel fine. Gaius: For now the serpent is dormant and when it wakes, your mind will be Morgana's once more and nothing will stop you from killing Arthur. Merlin: But how do we get rid of it, if it keeps growing back? Gaius: There's only one way, I'm afraid. You have to kill the mother beast. Merlin: That creature that lives in Morgana's hut? Gaius nods. Merlin: Great. How long have I got? How long before this thing wakes up? Gaius: A day, no more. And I wouldn't face her alone. Merlin: Don't worry, I won't be there at all. Well, not exactly. Merlin picks up a potion bottle from another table. Merlin: She won't recognise me if I'm eighty-years-old. Merlin hurries off. Gaius: Well, what should I say if Arthur asks for you? Merlin: Er, tell him I'm anywhere. Merlin closes the door, then pops his head back in. Merlin: Anywhere but the tavern. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Merlin rides through the woods and dismounts. He ties his horse to a tree and ducks behind a tree to turn into Old Merlin. Old Merlin: Ah! Old Merlin walks back to the horse and tries to mount. He struggles, but it's too much for him. Elyan, Leon, Gwaine, and Percival saunter up to him and Old Merlin turns around. Old Merlin: Ah. Gentlemen. What a pleasant surprise. Sir Leon: I wish we could say the same thing. Move away from the horse. Please. Old Merlin: What lovely manners. I do admire a man who says please. Sir Leon: Now. Sir Leon draws his sword and the others follow suit. Old Merlin moves away from the horse and they surround him. Old Merlin regards Percival. Old Merlin: Have you got bigger? Percival: You'll be getting shorter if I have my way. Old Merlin: Nice. I like it. Old Merlin spins around. Old Merlin: Leon, really. There must be something in the Knight's Code about how to treat an old man. Sir Leon: You're not just any old man, though, are you? Gwaine: You escaped the flames once, you won't escape again. Old Merlin: Sir! And you are not what you seem. Gwaine draws his sword. Gwaine: What is he talking about? I'm a good mind to run you through right now. Sir Leon puts out a hand. Sir Leon: I think Arthur would prefer to see him alive. Old Merlin: Oh--oh-oh. No, really, Arthur doesn't not want to see me, believe me. In fact, if Arthur does see me, he will be in grave danger. Elyan is the last to draw his sword. Elyan: Are you threatening the life of our king? Percival pokes Old Merlin in the back with his sword. He pokes him again. Old Merlin: Percival! That is a sword, it does hurt. Yes, I am afraid to say, if you don't let me go, then there is every chance that I will kill your King! Gwaine: Say that again! Old Merlin: Why? Have you got ale in your ears? Gwaine yells and goes for the attack, but Old Merlin holds up a hand and stops him dead in his tracks, knocking him out. Percival tries next, but Old Merlin breaks his sword in half and magically shoves Percival and Leon into each other, then throws them on top of Elyan.] Old Merlin: Ha! Thank you, gentlemen. Merlin uses them as a set of stairs. Old Merlin: So considerate to help an old man. Old Merlin cackles as he climbs onto his horse and rides off. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's hovel Morgana: I trust you bring me news of my brother's untimely death? Agravaine: I wish it were so, my lady, but I do bring information of an equally enticing nature. I have planted the seed of suspicion in our young king's mind. I've struck a blow at the very heart of Old Camelot. Morgana: Go on. Agravaine: Arthur grew unsure of my motives, but I've turned the situation to our advantage. Morgana: How so? Agravaine: I've used it to implicate an old friend of yours. Gaius. I think there are some interesting times ahead for our physician. Agravaine goes to pour himself a drink. Morgana: You have done well. But it's hardly information of an enticing kind, is it? Agravaine pauses. Morgana: Is Gaius dead? Agravaine: No. Morgana: I Gaius mortally wounded? Does Gaius have so much as a sore head? Agravaine: No, my lady. Morgana: So, my lord...you can do better. And you will do better. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's hovel Old Merlin crawls to the edge of the ridge overlooking Morgana's hovel. He sees her exit with Agravaine. Agravaine heads back to Camelot, but she walks off in the opposite direction. [SCENE_BREAK] Old Merlin enters Morgana's hut and looks through her things. Morgana walks in with some firewood. She looks up and sees Emrys. He snarls and she drops the firewood and backs out quickly, terrified. He's surprised, thinks it over, and then shrugs it off and continues searching. Morgana creeps back in slowly, shaking with fear. Morgana: You're not real. Old Merlin: Whatever you say! She jerks at his barked out reply. He continues searching. She continues slowly forward and pulls out a dagger. He finds the Fomorroh. Morgana: You're just my imagination. Old Merlin: That's right. I'm not really here. Just pretend that I'm not really here and I'll just get this and go. Merlin grabs the jar with the Fomorroh and Morgana moves forward to strike him. Before she goes two steps, his eyes glow and he tosses her backwards into a shelf, knocking it over. Old Merlin hurries off with the Fomorroh jar, but Morgana pursues him. She raises her hand. Morgana: ***Ablinn du, forlaete du!*** Old Merlin is knocked off his feet and the jar goes flying. Morgana smiles in relief of her success. She hurries forward and pulls out her dagger confidently as he lays there. Morgana: So, Emrys, it seems you'll not be my doom after all. She raises the dagger to strike. Old Merlin: ***Forp fleoge!*** Morgana is thrown backwards. She loses her dagger. They both lie there for a moment, fighting back the pain. Merlin struggles to stand and walks over to her. He raises a hand to curse her. Morgana: If Iam to die by your hand, you can at least tell me who you are. Did Arthur send you? Merlin regards her. Morgana: But you're no friend of his. Magic has no place in Camelot. It never will. Not until I take the throne. Please spare me. I only want what is rightfully mine. Perhaps... you can still be saved. Morgana flicks her hand and the dagger shoots from behind Old Merlin. He dodges it, but Morgana sits up and her eyes glow and she throws him with a turn of her head. He gasps in pain. She fetches the Fomorroh jar and begins to walk off. Old Merlin: *** Ic her acciege anne windraes! *** Old Merlin's spell begins a whirlwind. Old Merlin: *** Farbled waw! Windraes ungetermed - gehiere! *** Morgana turns and sees what he's doing. She tries to raise a hand to stop it. Old Merlin: *** Ic de bebeod mid ealle strangnesse daet du geblawest ond syrmest strange. Ge spurn peos haegtesse!*** Now standing, hand raised, Old Merlin overpowers Morgana and forces the whirlwind towards her. She is thrown through the air and lands unconscious. Old Merlin collapses from the effort. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Old Merlin sits on a log and lights a fire with a flick of his hand. He removes the lid from the Fomorroh jar and quickly tosses it into the fire. Old Merlin: ***Ontend disne wyrm paet he licge unastyred a butan ende!*** The Fomorroh squeals and Merlin suddenly jerks as he feels it die in his neck. He sighs in relief. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius chambers Gaius: This is becoming something of a habit. Merlin (grins with pain): I hope not. Gaius extracts the dead Fomorroh. Gaius: Don't worry. It cannot grow back again. Merlin's feels the back of his neck painfully. Gwen enters happily. Gwen: Merlin. Merlin smiles. Gwen: You're back. Dare I look? Merlin: Don't worry, it's completely gone. I've no desire to kill Arthur. Gwen: That's great news. Although, I'm afraid right now he does want to kill you. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers Arthur beats his fingers on his arm rest. Arthur: Two whole days in the tavern. Merlin balks. Merlin: I'm not quite sure it was that long. Arthur: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't get rid of you on the spot. Merlin: Because you would have no-one to polish your armour, make you breakfast, organise your clothes... Arthur: Ah, well. That's where you're wrong. George! George enters primly. Arthur: Merlin, meet George. George is, perhaps, the most efficient servant I've ever seen. He'll be spending the rest of the week teaching you. Merlin: Teaching me? Arthur: If you wish to remain in my service. George: We will start in the armoury. Lesson one is my favourite. Polishing. Arthur tries not to laugh. Merlin: Yes, that's my favourite, too. George nods, then jerks his head to indicate Merlin should follow him. Merlin stops at the door. Merlin: Tell me something... Arthur puts on a mock-serious expression as Merlin walks back. Merlin: If he's so good, why don't you just give him the job? Arthur drops the act. Arthur: He's seriously boring. I've never met anyone so dull. The man makes jokes about brass. Arthur pats Merlin on the arm. Arthur: Anyway, off you go. It'll be fun. Arthur is enjoying this. Merlin gives a fake smile and nods and walks to the door. He pauses to look back at Arthur who gives him a smug smile and nod and Merlin exits with a grin. [SCENE_BREAK] Forest Agravaine rides hurriedly to Morgana's hovel. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's hovel Morgana's home is trashed when he arrives. Agravaine: Morgana? He stops at the sight of it, then walks in slowly, taking in the wreck. Agravaine: Morgana? Agravaine searches the woods nearby. He spots Morgana lying on the ground and rushes to her. He turns her face toward him gently, clearly distraught. He carries her through the woods.

Plan: A: Arthur; Q: Who does Morgana try to make Merlin kill? A: Morgana's men; Q: Who ambushed Arthur's party? A: Morgana's hands; Q: Who does Merlin fall into? A: ancient magic; Q: What does Morgana use to enslave Merlin? A: a Fomorroh; Q: What is the name of the creature Morgana uses to control Merlin? A: Camelot; Q: Where does Merlin go to confront Morgana? A: an unsuspecting Arthur; Q: Who does Merlin try to poison? A: his actions; Q: What makes Gwen and Gaius suspicious? A: Gaius; Q: Who discovers the Fomorroh in Merlin's neck? A: Dragoon; Q: What does Merlin disguise himself as? A: a magical battle; Q: What does Merlin have with Morgana? Summary: When Arthur's party is ambushed by Morgana's men, a wounded Merlin allows himself to fall into Morgana's hands to save Arthur. Using ancient magic, she summons a creature called a Fomorroh, and uses it to enslave Merlin's will to make him kill Arthur. Back on Camelot, Merlin tries unsuccessfully to poison and kill an unsuspecting Arthur twice, but his actions make Gwen and Gaius suspicious. Gaius discovers the Fomorroh in Merlin's neck and takes it out, but it grows again. After Gaius makes it sleep, Merlin disguises himself as Dragoon and goes to confront Morgana. After a magical battle, he defeats her and destroys the Fomorroh.

Scene 1 - In the hallway - Will, Sue. Will hang a poster on the wall that says, "Come support our New Directions, At regionals this Saturday." Sue: Hi buddy, see you Saturday. Will: What? Sue: In Regionales, you're not aware, I am part of the jury. Scene 2 - In the office Figgins - Will, Sue, Figgins. Will: You can not allow such a thing! Figgins: I'm up and poilier, I have no authority over how the board is responsible for managing the contest. Sue: I'll make it short Will, it was decided this year that the jury would be required by regional celebrities and I'm a celebrity William. It is obvious that my new statue office only highlight your mediocrity. That's how I Am Legend, I can not help it. Will: Do you have any idea of the work that my students have provided? Sue: I'll be frank with you William, I feel a great difficulty paying attention to anything you could tell me: thy hair is like a field of heather, I expect to see emerge from the characters to Cartoon putting to extol the joys of driving a small truck. Will: Mr. Figgins, I beg you do not let it destroy these poor students. Sue: Oh William, I am deeply offended that you doubt my impartiality. Will: You've disclosed our program to Communal! Sue: I do not remember any of that. Will: No! I'll let you do that. We worked like crazy to get where we are! Figgins: I'm sorry our William arrrangement still stands, you must earn a spot in the Regional or I dissolved the Club! In your place I'll spend less time with me and advantage to convince the judge that Sylvester New Directions have talent. Sue: Good luck William. In his tappotant shoulder and leaving the office. Will: One of those four I feel like I'm gonna break. Scene 3 (in the past) - In the room of Quinn - Quinn, Puck. Quinn and Puck are spirited to kiss in the bed of Quinn. Quinn: No. I can not. Puck: But if, like drinks another flick. Quinn: I am the president of the Abstinence Club, I made vows of chastity. Puck: Santana and Brittany too, and I slept with them. Quinn: Finn, what do you worry? This is your best friend. Puck: Gave Me is not a high school buddy. You really think you and I will still remember him in three years? Life is a succession of experience at the end you will not receive a medal for good behavior. You die that's it. Quinn: Ok, but you mention it to anyone because I value my reputation. Puck: This will be our little secret baby. Quinn: You're a capotte. Puck: I! Trust me. This is not the first time I sleep with a girl. Quinn: Re-tell me the if-you-please. Puck: You is not fat. Will: Quinn? Apart from his memories. Scene 4 - At Will - Will the New Directions. In the kitchen. Will: Quinn? Are you? Quinn: The year was difficult. Will: Yes, I'll let you help with the dishes. Quinn: I gave birth in a month, it's light I think I can wear them. Will: Of course you're right. Will Quinn and settled in the lounge with the other sad. Will: No one wants pizza? We will then get to work. Thank you all for being there for that very first meeting where we will decide the program that we present to the Regional. Artie: It's done in advance sir. Coach Sylvester is part of the jury, it will sink us. Will: That you know nothing. Santana: If it's on. She said during the training. Brittany: Yes, she said the glee club I'll push it. Puck: And a year of lost. All that work for nothing. Tina, who starts crying: I beg your pardon, I think you are all wonderful.You know how I had friends on facebook before the Glee Club? Both my parents. Rachel was right, participate in something special, it can make you special. I can not believe a week is all over. Finn: Wait we will continue to be right? Mercedes: You're stupid or what? You think Puck or Santana will continue to speak to me outside of class once the Glee Club will no longer exist? Puck: It is not wrong. Rachel weeping: Mr. Schuester, instead of selecting our songs maybe we could go around the table, and everyone would say that the Glee Club has brought him. Scene 5 - In the office of Emma - Wil, Emma. Will: I restrained myself as I could to not cry but it's as if they had run the marathon to take a punch to arrive. Emma: What do you want from me exactly? Will: What you advise me. Emma: Do you remember when you wanted to leave teaching to become an accountant? And I've shown this video of you singing with gusto National and you told me it was the best day of your life. Do you remember why? Will: Because I loved what I did. Emma: And it is this passion that you try to send them. Do not you think all this is much more important than winning or losing? Will: Huh, what did I miss you. Emma: I see someone at the moment. Will: Sorry? Emma: His name is Carl, Carl Howell, is my dentist and he has always been very impressed with my Mouth hygiene. The last time I go to his office he has shown with what he sterilize his instruments and he invited me. Since we see each other every night. Will: And you ...? Emma: Huh ... Will: No, no it's not look at me I say nothing. Emma: No, I pray it does not matter. I thought that our attempts have not had very successful so ... Will: Thanks for your advice. Emma: Uh, it's not, he and I have nothing. Will leave the office. Scene 6 - On the road in his car - Will. Will exchange radios, until he fell on "Do not Stop believing". Then he stops in the middle of the road. And he starts crying. Scene 7 - On the stairs of the school - Rachel Finn. Rachel descends the stairs, called Finn and down stairs. Finn: Rachel! I must speak to you. Nothing was lost again the other night it took you Plombes atmosphere. You're our leader Rachel, you we constantly breaks the feet but it is you who maintain motivation within the club. You and I will fix everything, we will participate in the Regional and we will win. Rachel does not respond and kisses. Scene 8 - In the rehearsal room - Will the New Directions. Will wrote Journey to the table, when Finn and Rachel enter the room. Rachel: Mr. Schuester, Finn and I were to tell you something. Will: Later, sit down. Nine months ago it was only five and it was bad, bad architecture even a cat, the horror. One day you will all leave this school and the Glee Club and all your comrades will be a distant memory. You will not get more right away to remember the name of each. We may need to remember the songs we sing. The solos that you obtained, those that you refuse. I teach you anything by saying that life has a beginning and an end, everything else is what you make it. I have too much affection for you, you show a bad example. One day I almost give up but you have to reason with ramenet Do not stop believing. It's worth a nine out of ten and you go make me a ten out of ten. Rachel: We will resume Do not stop to Regional? Will: And we'll sing in the other. We will make a best-of the same group.Too bad it will happen what will happen with this music because it has been our finest emotions. Rachel? What you wanted to tell me? Rachel: We're glad that you got to give up to become an accountant. Will: Regional, here we are. Scene 9 - Concert Hall of the Regional - Will. Will arrives in the lobby of the hall, he took a ticket: Will: Thank you. A lady: A program? Will: Thank you. The lady: You're welcome. He looks around. He enters the room where the presentation is the juries.He applauds for everyone except Sue. Voice: Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the jury, is a singer-songwriter talent, he has 20 platinum discs to his credit, applauding the inimitable Josh Groban. She won four Grammy awards, played in the musical's most profitable of all time, Olivia Newton-John. He is the star presenter of the chain with three Emmy awards WOHM Rod Remington.She holds the record for the competition cheerleader and will soon publish his memoirs under the title "I'm a big batante you are" someone who deserves to be known in his native Ohio, Sue Sylvester. Sue: Thank you. Sue knows it. Voice: I ask you a warm welcome to the choir of high school Westvel the pretty town of Fortway in Indiana, Aural Intensity. Scene 10 - Lodge - Will the New Directions. Puck: A medley of Olivia Newton-John and Josh Groban, but he does not care about us they have corrupted the jury. Rachel: It must not be distracted by the program from other teams. Finn: Go, courage. We must focus on our program. Santana: Even though we already know we will lose. Will enters the box. Will: Yes, if you're all there just to win, so I owe you an apology, it was misunderstood, it is better we all returned home. We are here to compete, in addition we have something that other groups did not. Artie: What? Will: Finn, our freadaster (laughter). Eh, it's not true? Brittany: You're no dance. Will: Come on, if we have two minutes, Aural Intensity is almost finished.Our battle cry. Scene 11 - In the lobby / backstage - Finn, Rachel. Rachel Finn approaches. Rachel: Tell me sh1t! Finn: I love you. Scene 12 - In the room / on stage - The New Directions. The New Directions interpret Faithfully, Anyway you want it / Lovin ', Touchin', Squeezin 'and Do not Stop Believing (Regionals Version). Scene 13 - Behind the Scenes - Will, The New Directions, Judi. Finn: It was a totally crazy. Tina: Here is one of at least second place. Rachel: Are you kidding, we're here to win. Matt: We will win! Quinn: I can not wait to sit down. Judi: Quinn. Quinn: Mom, what are you doing here? Dad right? Judi: I came to hear you sing, you're great. I'm really sorry I missed your other performances, there were many? I left your father, I made the damn door, he had an affair with a tattoo addict. Quinn, coming home with me, we transform the guest room in nursery. Darling tell me something. Quinn: I just lost waters. Scene 14 - On Stage / In hospital - Will, The Voice-adrenal, the New Directions, Judi. While the adrenal Vocals interpret Bohemian Rhapsody. The New Directions running at the hospital. Quinn: Mom, I hurt too. Judi: Please my daughter is in labor. Nurse: It is on this side. Quinn: Wait a second, Mercedes, I want you to come. Mercedes answers nodded. And Quinn, Mercedes, and Judi Puck entering the room. Quinn: Mom, I hurt. ... It's too hard I could do it forever. No it is not. A Puck: I hate you I hate you I hate you. Mercedes: Go push, push. Nurse: Push. Quinn: Let me, let me, let me, no, no, no. Nurse: That's it appears the head. Mercedes: The baby arrives. Quinn: No it is not! Nurse: Go, a little more effort. That's it. During the interpretation of adrenal Vocals, Jesse and Rachel look at each other and then she leaves. The nurse takes the baby and give it to Quinn. Quinn: Oh, you're pretty. Scene 15 - In the box of Shelby - Rachel, Shelby. Rachel: Congratulations. Shelby: Thank you Rachel. Rachel: But you were beaten. Jesse is a great singer but you and I know it lacks soul. The glory days of the adrenal Vocals are gone so I have a suggestion to make. Comes to teach at McKinley. Shelby: I beg your pardon? Rachel: You and Mr. Schuester you'd both have our co-directors, nothing could stop us. There are so many things you could teach me. That you and only you could teach me. Shelby: Oh, I want Rachel to stop giving singing lessons. I'm tired of teaching I want to think a little about me. This finding is in you all that I understood what I had missed in my life. I want to have a more balanced life, I want to have a house, a garden, a dog, a family. I so sorry to have let my chance with you. I want to repeat that mistake. Rachel goes to tears.Where are the others? Rachel: They are, they are in hospital, Quinn gave birth. Shelby: She's fine? Rachel: Yes, it goes well and the child also. This is a pretty little girl. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 16 - Hall of votes - Sue, Olivia, Josh, Rod. Sue Newton-John it's going to sh1t. Remington, John Wayne assiez you and listen to me. I have no idea who will win first place or even the second but I know that out already and will be the last. Rod: Sue if I may. I can tell you that this interpretation of Bohemian Rhapsody damn me once and I say that figuratively. In the 70's. I was going to receptions at Freddy Mercury and receptions ... hard. If you know what I mean. At that time people did not care much for labels. Olivia: In my case I find shocking is that only one group paid tribute to my career. I find qu'Aural Intensity should win. Sue: Yeah. Josh: I have two questions. The first are you free? And second what you think of New Directions? I loved it, I think they have the dog. Olivia: From dog! Anything, they have an obvious lack of technique. They abuse the register we are original, we are artists misunderstood. This is so in tune with the times. Sue: I agree completely. Time to vote. Olivia: I find the scene of the budget insignificant and what it was that these suits, it is a school for needy? Josh: I thought the brunette had a nice voice. Olivia: The brown does not have their places in show buisness. Sue: Oh, calm down we are young. Olivia: It's not an excuse, at age 14 I had already formed my own band.When Josh Groban was their age he was Mickey Mouse Club or something like that. Sue: As a teacher, I must remember that some students are more advantaged than others and do not all have the same opportunities. Olivia: Is that's what you get to sleep aids? You say that there are people who have no talent? You think being a celebrity? You are wrong, you give yourself a kind and that's it. Rod: Olivia Newton-John raises an interesting point, you have much in common with the students in your school. Disappointing results with some delusions of grandeur. Josh: There is something wrong at all! I must admit that the presence of Sue troubles me personally but it was not the celebrities that were originally composed this jury. Sue: Shut up, Josh Groban. I am a cheerleader coach internationally recognized ... Olivia: Who lives in Ohio. When it's over Josh and I will fly to Los Angeles and buisness you stay there as these cheesy brats. It is your decision is made? Time to vote. Scene 17 - On stage - Will, Shelby, New Directions, adrenal Vocals, Aural Intensity, Sue, Rod, Josh, Olivia. Juries come on stage. Applause. Sue: Thank you all for being here today. As you know the song is a discipline ... And quite honestly it does not interest me at all then go straight to the results. The second place Regional 2010 is attributed to the high school choir Westvel behalf so close partion Aural Intensity. I can continue. And now the winners of the 2010 Regional Championship choirs are ... Adrenal vocals! Artie: It is not even sélectionés. Scene 18 - In hospital - Quinn, Puck, Shelby. Puck: It looks like you. Want to keep it? Quinn: No, and you? ... Do you love me? Puck: Yeah, and even more now. Shelby: Which is your child? Quinn: What are you doing here? Shelby: Oh I see. It looks like you. She has a first name? Quinn: No. Puck: Beth. Shelby: It's pretty. I really like. Scene 19 - In the hallway - Figgins, Emma, Will, Rachel. Figgins and Emma compete in the office of Figgins. Then she goes out. Will: Emma, Emma! What is happening? Emma: It's really unfair, your students have worked so hard. You knew he had to give your room at the Club caterers amateurs. Will: We had a deal, we lost just for the record. Emma: Because Sue was cheating. She cheats. And you want me to say where the money goes it picks up the budget. It goes straight into his pocket. We can not let a thing like that. How can you remain so calm?Why do you flattened like a rug? Will: I did my best Emma, ok? It's over I give up. Emma: No, you should never give up, I do not care what others say sometimes it's worth fighting for. Will: You mean the students? Emma: Yes, of course. Will: Are you sure? Emma: Listen this is the future of our Glee Club not. Will: Stop your salads, I love you Emma. That's it I say, and you also love me. Dentist or not our story is not over. They kiss. Rachel: Mr. Schuester. Will: Yes? Rachel: You can come to the auditorium? Will: Biensur. Scene 20 - In the auditorium - Will the New Directions. Rachel: That's all we want to tell you something. Matt: Earlier this year I was a football player again. Tina: I stuttered. Mercedes: I was a diva who is ignorant. Quinn: I was the captain of the cheerleaders. Mike: I never danced out of my chanmbre. Santana: I hated all the students in this club. Brittany: I do too. Kurt: I was not honest with myself. Puck: I threw student in the dumpster. Artie: I had never kissed girls before. Rachel: I was the laughingstock of the whole school. Finn: I, I had no father, I lacked a referent, a positive image, someone who would help me become a man. Rachel: It does not care about the judges' decision. We are winners because you had as a teacher. Mercedes: The flame of the Glee Club will never die because you are the Glee Club and you will remain forever in our hearts. And they sing To Sir with love heart in the eyes of Will weep and Sue moved. Scene 21 - In the rehearsal room - Will, Sue. Sue: This piece is as sterile as me. You join your green pastures. Will: You just enjoy your success. Sue: You could say it like that. Will: Well congratulations you got what you wanted. I would shake your hand. Sue: Before that you should disinfect your hands properly because when I see your body I fear chopper scabies. Will: I understand. Maybe that was not good enough to beat adrenal voice, but it was largely better than aural intensity. Sue: Oh William, I do not expect me to say how the votes were held. I took an oath, I am bound to silence. The results showed that other clubs were more deserving. Back on the scene of votes: It shows the register Sue New Directions in the first place. Will: Well, congratulations. You win, I lost. Students have lost. Sue: You must think I'm cruel. You're not wrong. I imagine you often spirited of you choke on a piece of something. And also recently I contacted a dealer in exotic animals. I tell you that I could hang out at the zoo, and you put your head in the back of a baboon with an infection with the yucky well could. You are also convinced that I am not a good person, all this because I remains unmoved when I hear the trivialities that you is at your retarded students on the possibilities of making the world better by, oh yeah , the magic of song. And that ultimately I have you and your iradiqué Glee Club of the surface of the earth. But what kind of world you intend to offer them.A world where I could not fool your hair, a world where I could not do sh1t about you when you cry in front of Michael Landon plusque redif one of the little house on the prairie. You want me to tell? It is not in this world that Sue Sylvester wants to live. Then I talked to Figgins. Conversation that took place a little more: Sue: The Glee Club must continue. And what I want I get it. Need me to explain again how sexual blackmail. Figgins: Enough Sue, I'm sick. I would accept no more blackmail from you. I'm going to tell my wife about our s*x. In the occurance it is you who harass me. Sue: I kidding Warning Figgins, if you do not renew their driveway. I'll have to talk about accessories we used latex. Figgins: Huh? WILL: What we continue next year? Sue: You're an excellent teacher. I love you but not much I admire you and I admire the work you have done with your students. Sincerely. Good luck William. She hand tent. The idea of a whole year to get yourself some troubles me rejoices as you can not imagine. Will: You want me to tell? I'm sure you're an amazing person. Sue: Anything. Will: You got a big heart. Sue: Okay, uh, loose my hand. Will: Hey, I appreciate what you do for students. I oublirais not. Sue: And I will not be long before you puke on the face. Scene 22 - In the rehearsal room - Will the New Directions. Will: We continue next year. Tina: What? Will: Young people the adventure continues. Laughing, crying, joy. Rachel: Are you serious? Whoa. It will be a hug to Will. Listen to me we have an extraordinary opportunity then I suggest that repeats now for next year. Will: That's enough this year you work like crazy, you must rest. Rachel: But I have plenty of ideas. Will: Enjoy a vacation, have fun. Oh but before you I have something for you. You sing to me the other day I want to thank you for myself. Puck you ready? Will and Puck sing Over the Rainbow. During the song: Scene 23 - In hospital - Shelby. Nurse: The adoption file at the air full, however there is not the child's first name on the birth certificate. Shelby: It's Beth. End of the episode.

Plan: A: New Directions competes; Q: Who competes against Vocal Adrenaline and Aural Intensity? A: Vocal Adrenaline; Q: Who wins at Regionals? A: Olivia Newton-John; Q: Who is one of the celebrity judges? A: unexpected support; Q: What kind of support did Sue give New Directions? A: the club's underdog status; Q: What does Sue identify with? A: a reprieve; Q: What does Sue convince Principal Figgins to give the club? A: another year; Q: How long does Sue convince Principal Figgins to keep the club together? A: Rachel; Q: Who does Finn profess his love for? A: labor; Q: What does Quinn go into? A: Shelby; Q: Who adopts Quinn's baby? A: Beth; Q: What is the name of the baby girl that Quinn gives birth to? Summary: New Directions competes against Vocal Adrenaline and Aural Intensity, seen here for the first time, at Regionals, in front of celebrity judges Olivia Newton-John, Josh Groban, Sue, and Rod Remington. Vocal Adrenaline wins and New Directions comes last, despite unexpected support from Sue, who is able to identify with the club's underdog status after being derided by the other judges. She convinces Principal Figgins to grant the club a reprieve, and not disband them for another year. Will and Finn profess their love for Emma and Rachel respectively. Quinn goes into labor and gives birth to a baby girl who is adopted by Shelby, and named Beth at Puck's request. Quinn later questions Puck if he ever loved her and replies that he did, and does now even more.

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Paige carry an unconscious Piper in, who has scratches over her face. They put her on the floor and sit beside her.] Phoebe: Piper, come on, it's time. Can you wake up? Can you do this? You can do it, come on. Paige: Maybe we should call Leo. Phoebe: No, we can still make this plan work. (The Source flames in. He walks slowly over to the girls.) The Source: Seems almost anti-climatic after all this time, doesn't it? Say hello to Prue for me. (A ball of fire appears in his right hand. He throws it at Paige and she orbs out before it can hit her. Piper gains consciousness.) Phoebe: Piper, now. Now! (Piper blows up the Source, but straight away gets put back together.) Paige: Crystals, circle! (The crystals on the table orb out and orb back in on the floor in a circle surrounding the Source. Four electric bolts surround him. He throws a fire ball and it rebounds off the electric bolts, vanquishing him. [Cut to the underground. The Source's cave. The Source and the Seer are there. The Seer's eyes are white from looking into the future. They return to normal.] The Source: Well? What did you see? Seer: I saw your demise. The Source: My demise? That cannot be. Seer: You know how powerful my visions are. More so even more than the Oracle's were and more accurate. The Source: You mean to tell me that with all the powers at my disposal, all I've learned about them, in the end I still lose? How is that possible? Seer: The Charmed Ones' power will simply be greater than yours. I mean no disrespect. I only speak of what I see. The Source: If I don't prevail what difference does it make? Seer: There must be another way. The Source: No! With the Hollow I will render witches powerless. Then I will destroy them. Even if it means destroying us all. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Dining room. Piper and Leo are sitting at the table. Piper slides a sheet of paper over to Leo.] Leo: Do I really need to think about this now? Piper: Yes. Leo: Why? Piper: Because the Source has already killed one of us. And if god forbid it happens again we want to be prepared. You should be honoured that if we don't make it we're leaving you everything. (Phoebe and Cole run in.) Phoebe: Hey guys! Guess what? Leo: What makes you think I'm gonna out live you anyway? Piper: Leo, you're an angel, literally. Which means short of a Darklighter, you win most likely to survive. Phoebe: Oh! Speaking of surviving, Source bulletin, this just in. (She holds up a piece of paper.) Piper: Honey, just sign the freakin' thing. (Cole whistles.) What? Cole: Phoebe has something she'd like to say that actually might affect what you're doing here. Phoebe: Thank you, honey. We nailed the Source vanquishing spell. (She hands Piper the piece of paper.) Our ancestors. That's what we were missing. If we could draw the magic from the entire Halliwell line... Piper: We might have enough power to vanquish the Source. Phoebe: Yes. Piper: This is good! This might work. Leo: I'll go tell the Elders. (He orbs out.) Piper: Hey! You did not sign this! Phoebe: Oh, honey, are you still on that will and testament kick? I gotta tell you, it's very, very morbid. Piper: No, it's very, very responsible. Prue did it and thank god she did, 'cause if she didn't we'll still be dealing with lawyers. (to Cole) No offence. Cole: Oh, none taken. I've come to terms with my evil past. Phoebe: No, I know what you're saying but I have a really good feeling about this, okay? No one is gonna die any time soon. (She touches Cole and has a premonition. In it, a demon throws a fireball at Phoebe but Cole takes the fireball instead for her.) Cole: You right? Phoebe: Yeah, um, I just have the hiccups. (She hiccups.) Ooh, see? Uh, Piper, can I talk to you for a minute in the kitchen? (She hiccups.) Piper: Sure. (They walk into the kitchen.) Phoebe, with or without the Source we still need a will. Especially if I'm gonna start a family. Phoebe: This isn't about the will. This is about a premonition I just had that I don't want Cole to know about. Piper: What do you mean? Why not? Phoebe: Because I just saw him jump in front of a demon to take a fireball for me, that's why not. Piper: A demon? What kind of demon? Phoebe: One with a half a face. Piper: Yuck! Phoebe: Yeah, so we have to figure out who the demon is and vanquish him before Cole... Piper: What if we need Cole to ID him? I mean, the Source probably sent this demon. Phoebe: That's exactly my point. He's gonna wanna stay close to protect me. Piper: Well, honey, that's what you do for people you love. Phoebe: I know, Piper, but he's human now, it's not like he can fend off a fireball. Piper: Well, you can't you talk to him? Phoebe: No, I've tried. He's not gonna sit by the sidelines, it's not who he is. Piper: So you're not gonna tell him? Phoebe: The attack happened in the attic. So I'll just keep him out of the house until I can ID the demon. Piper: Alright, it's your relationship, it's your call. I'll let Paige know what's up. As long as you're sure. [Scene: South Bay Social Services. Paige, Darryl and a woman are in a room.] Paige: Trust me, I'm sure. Darryl: The judge just wants to hear the truth, that's all. Paige: Everything is gonna be okay. Woman: Yeah, but once he hears about all the awful things I've done. Paige: Done as in past tense. Woman: My past is why I lost custody of my son in the first place. Paige: Look, we're not gonna pretend that you weren't in an abusive relationship or that you didn't go to rehab. Woman: It's just that I made so many mistakes. Paige: Your ex is out of your life, okay? You've been clean and sober for almost two years now and you've held down a steady job at a police station no less. Darryl: You've changed, that's all that matters. Paige: The judge just cares about who you are, not about who you were. And that's what's gonna get your son back. (Paige's phone rings.) Oh, excuse me. (Paige leaves the room.) This is not a good time I'm in the middle of something important. Piper: (whispering) Does a half a face demon qualify as important? Paige: He's there now? Piper: No. Paige: Well, then it doesn't qualify. Piper: (whispering) Phoebe had a premonition and not a good one. Paige: I know why I'm whispering, why are you? [Cut to the manor. Piper's on the phone in the dining room. Phoebe and Cole walk into the foyer.] Phoebe: So it keeps making like this brrr-brrr noise. Cole: But it's not even your car. Phoebe: No, I don't want Piper to be driving it and have it break down. Look, if you can just take it to the mechanic and have him look at it that'd be great. Piper: (from the dining room) Phoebe, that thing you were talking about, day or night thing? Phoebe: Night. Cole: What thing? Phoebe: It's nothing important. Cole: There's nothing wrong with Piper's car is there? Phoebe: No. Cole: But you want me to leave don't you? Phoebe: Yes. Cole: And you don't wanna tell me why? Phoebe: If you could just give us a couple of hours, don't ask any questions. Please, please. Cole: You'll tell me later? Phoebe: I promise. (She gives him a quick kiss and he leaves.) I love that man. Piper: (on the phone) Paige, look, this could be the attack we've been waiting for. You need to come home now. [Cut to Paige.] Paige: Phoebe's premonition happened at night, right? Piper: Right. Paige: Okay, well, you know how long I've been working with Caroline. I promised her I'd be at the hearing today. Piper: Okay, fine, but you need to come home as soon as you can. Paige: Okay. (She hangs up. Darryl and Caroline come out of the room.) Darryl: So we're gonna meet outside the court room at 3:00, right? Paige: Yeah. Caroline: Paige, is everything alright? Paige: Peachy. All you have to do is relax and by tonight your son is going to be with you. Caroline: God, I don't know what I'd do without you. You're my angel. Paige: Oh. (She hugs her.) [Scene: An ancient burial ground. Good and Evil are there playing chess. Good is wearing a white robe with a halo above her head. Evil is wearing a black robe. Good is sitting in front of the board, meditating. Evil is standing near by.] Evil: Make a damned move. (Good opens her eyes.) Good: You're just mad because good is winning. Evil: No, just bored, standing there watching you think. Good: A-a-ah. Patience is a virtue. Evil: Oh, I have been plenty patient. Three thousand, five hundred years patient. Good: Hmm. (She points her finger at the board and a piece moves to another square.) There, happy now? (Evil moves a piece across and smashes Good's piece. Good frowns.) Evil: Now who's winning. (The Source flames in. Good stands next to Evil.) Good: You need to leave immediately. This place is an ancient burial ground. The Source: I know that. Thank you. Evil: With all do respect, you are not allowed to be here. The Source: Have you forgotten who I am? Whose side you're on? Good: There are no sides. We protect all magic. That was the agreement. (The Source throws a fireball at Good and vanquishes her.) The Source: The agreement's just been revoked. (Evil throws an electric bolt at the Source and he falls to the ground. When he stands back up, his hood flips back to reveal his greenish-yellow skin and his mutilated face.) Evil: Please. The Halliwells are a threat to us all. It's power is too great. The Source: That's exactly the power I need. (The Source pushes him across the room. The Source goes over to a large door. He struggles to open it. A rectangular box is floating in the middle of the room. He makes it float over to him. He walks over to Evil.) Evil: No, please don't. The Hollow consumes powers! (The Source opens the box and millions of black bee-like creatures fly into Evil through his eye sockets. The Source closes the box.) The Source: Now you'll be able to consume powers. And give them to me. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Phoebe are there looking through the Book of Shadows.] Phoebe: So, we found a demon with half a body but no demon with half a face. Piper: Well, we do have a resident demonologist living in the house. Phoebe: Yeah, we've had that conversation. Piper: Alright. You keep looking, I'll go get some coffee. Phoebe: Okay. (Piper leaves the room and Evil appears.) Piper! (Evil throws an electric bolt at Phoebe and she is thrown against a mirror. It smashes and she falls to the floor. Piper runs in and tries to blow him up.) Evil: Thank you. (She spots a knife on the table and runs for it. Evil blows up a sewing machine in front of her. She grabs the knife and throws it at Evil. It gets stuck in his neck and vanquishes him. The black bee-like creatures fly away.) Piper: Phoebe, did you see that? Phoebe? (Phoebe falls on her stomach, showing large pieces of glass stuck in her back.) Phoebe! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are there. Leo pulls the glass out of Phoebe's back. He starts to heal her.] Piper: What's taking so long? Leo: She almost died, that's what's taking so long. (He heals her. Phoebe looks up.) Phoebe: What happened? Piper: One very mean demon. Phoebe: And did you get him? Piper: Yes. But, uh, something else got away. And that's not all. (She picks up a vase and hands it to Leo.) Throw this. Just do it. (He throws it in the air and she tries to freeze it. It smashes on the floor.) My powers are gone. Phoebe: It stole your powers? Piper: It stole, ate, absorbed, I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I've gotta get them back. (Piper walks over to the Book of Shadows.) Phoebe: I don't understand. We vanquish a demon and then lose our powers. How does that work? Leo: That thing must have absorbed your powers somehow although I don't know how. Phoebe: Oh, well, with the Source lurking around. (Piper turns to a page in the Book of Shadows.) Piper: That's him, this is him. "Guardians of the Hollow" ring any bells? Leo: That's not possible. Piper: Why not, what is it? Leo: Because the Hollow is something that consumes all magic good or evil and both sides agreed to guard. That thing must have been the Hollow, it must have taken over the demon. Phoebe: Well, then how do we get it to regurgitate? Piper: Hmm, there's no mention of a vanquish here. Leo: You can't vanquish it. The last time it was unleashed it nearly decimated all magic, all things. Phoebe: The last time it was unleashed? Leo: Eons ago. Good and evil had to join forces and use their strongest magic and even then all they could do is contain it. Phoebe: Okay, so if good and evil are seeing eye to eye on this one, who let it out? Piper: The Source. Leo: If he was desperate enough. Piper: Which means he won't stop at just my powers, he's gonna send another demon for yours and Paige's. Phoebe: The demon with a half a face, see if he's in the book. Leo: Even if you could use your powers you wouldn't be able to because they would just steal them. Phoebe: Then how do we stop him? Piper: We'll use potions instead. I'll make one to replace my exploding power. Leo: Okay, you better get Paige. You're gonna need the power of three. I'll go check with the Elders. (He orbs out.) Phoebe: On a scale from one to bad... [Cut to Paige outside the court room. Darryl is standing beside her.] Paige: This is very bad. Something must have happened to her. Darryl: She seemed pretty shaky this morning, you don't think she... Paige: No. No, she wouldn't sabotage this, not when she's come this close to getting her son back. Darryl: Yeah, well, I believe you, but will the judge. Paige: God, I hope her ex didn't find her. (Her phone rings and she answers it.) Caroline? Oh, hey, Phoebe. Look, I'm gonna need more time... Oh... Okay, I'm on my way. (She hangs up.) I've gotta go. Darryl: You can't just leave. You're the only reason why she's getting a second chance. Paige: Well, now it's up to you. I have to go, it's a demonic emergency. A big one. Darryl: Okay. What do you need me to do? Paige: I need you to post pone the hearing for a couple of hours. Darryl: You know better than that. You can't just post pone legal proceedings, there are forms to file... Paige: Pleased, Darryl. Can you please pull some strings and buy us some time If we don't help her there is no one who will. Darryl: Okay, I'll try. Paige: Thanks. Just keep paging her, trying her at home, we have got to find her. [Cut to the manor. Kitchen. Piper and Phoebe are making a potion. Phoebe hands Piper a feather.] Phoebe: Here you go, one owl feather. Piper: Do you think I jinxed us? With the will? Maybe it wasn't such a great idea. Phoebe: Actually, I'm beginning to think it was a very smart idea. Piper: That's not so funny. Phoebe: Trust me, I know. (Cole walks in.) Cole: Hi. Am I back too soon? Phoebe: Um... Piper: Um, we need his help. No time to be evasive. Cole: Help for what? Well, it's obvious you're making a potion so what is it you're not telling me? Phoebe: Um, I had a premonition. A demon attacked and you jumped in front of a fireball to save me. Cole: What? You can't keep these things from me. Phoebe: I was just trying to protect you. Cole: Well, that's not a good enough reason. Piper: Uh, hate to interrupt but maybe we should talk about the demon. Cole: What'd he look like? Phoebe: Creepy, half face, and his good side has tribal markings, a little bit like... Cole: Belthazor. Phoebe: A little bit. Do you know who he is? Does he work for the Source? Cole: He doesn't work for the Source, Phoebe, he is the Source. His face was disfigured in the battle that brought him to power. Only upper level demons have seen it. You should have told me. Piper: So he's the one that released the Hollow. Cole: The Hollow? What do you mean released? Phoebe: It already attacked us. It took Piper's power. Cole: Well, then you'd better figure out a way to beat the Source without your powers otherwise... (Piper's potion explodes.) Piper: Already on it. [Scene: Underworld. The Source's cave. The Source and the Seer are there. The Source blows up a pot and then freezes the shattered pieces in mid-air.] The Source: The witch's powers are impressive. Seer: Nevertheless, do you think it's wise to have extracted them from the Hollow? There could be repercussions. The Source: Damn the repercussions, Seer! I won't stop until I have all three of their powers coursing through my veins. You understand me? (He unfreezes the pot.) I can't risk going against them myself, until I do. Seer: No one wins while the Hollow runs free. The Source: I control the Hollow. Seer: For now. But the more magic it absorbs the more stronger it becomes. And the more you extract from it, the more it corrupts you until it consumes all things including you. The Source: Unless you wanna face eternity as a pile of ash, I suggest you stop questioning me and do as I say! (The Seer bows her head. The Source summons a Darklighter. The Darklighter kneels down.) Darklighter: How can I be of service? The Source: I want the Charmed Ones, Darklighter. Darklighter: But my arrows don't kill witches. (The Source picks up the Hollow box.) The Source: But they do kill Whitelighters. I want you to kill theirs so he can't heal them anymore. (He goes over to the Darklighter and opens the box. Millions of bee-like creatures fly into the Darklighter through his eye sockets.) And when you've done that, then I want you to bring me a little gift. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Cole are there. Paige lays five crystals on the floor.] Paige: Five magic crystals oriented east to west. Magic circle, check. (Piper pours a white liquid into another white liquid and it turns purple.) Piper: Oh, purple good, purple equals exploding power. Exploding power, check. Phoebe: One fabulously written Source vanquishing spell, check. Cole: Don't get cocky. Phoebe: Not cocky, confident. Piper: We are talking about the Source of all evil, maybe measured optimism is best. (Leo orbs in.) Leo: The Source unleashed the Hollow. Piper: Already on that train, honey. It took my powers. Anything else? Leo: Good and evil magic need to join forces and read the inscription on the box where the Hollow is kept. That will put it back in its crypt and return your powers. Piper: Okay, so at least we know how to vanish it, this is good news. Phoebe: Good news if the Source brings the box and we could find an evil being willing to to help. Paige: Hey, Cole, too bad you're not still evil. Cole: One step at a time. First we vanquish the Source, then we'll worry about putting Pandora back in its box. (The phone rings. Paige answers it.) Paige: Hello? Hey, Darryl. (listens) Oh, no. (She walks into the dining room.) Are you sure she's gonna be okay? Darryl: Yeah, the ER doctor said there's no internal bleeding. She still got beat up pretty bad. Paige: Damn it, how did he find her? Darryl: I have no idea. But I've got every available officer out there looking for him. Paige: What about the hearing? Darryl: I got it postponed for an hour from now, but I doubt we're gonna find him by then. Look, Paige, with their history this doesn't look good. (Paige sighs and hangs up. Leo walks in.) Leo: We need you in the kitchen. (Paige heads for the kitchen but stops.) Paige: You know, Leo, I have my charges too. (The Darklighter smokes in and points his arrow at Leo.) Leo! (The Darklighter shoots and the arrow hits Leo. Cole walks in.) Crossbow! Cole: No, your powers. (The Darklighter absorbs her powers. Piper and Phoebe walk in.) Piper: Leo! (She runs over to him. The Darklighter points the crossbow at Paige.) Phoebe: Paige, watch out. (Paige ducks behind a wall. Phoebe throws the potion at the Darklighter and he explodes.) Piper: Oh, no. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Leo is lying on the couch in a lot of pain. Piper is holding onto one end of the arrow.] Piper: Ready? Paige, hold his hand. (She does so. Piper pulls out the arrow and Leo screams. She puts the arrow on the coffee table.) Paige, don't touch that you're a Whitelighter too. (Leo breathes heavily.) You're okay, just lie back. Easy. Leo: Still bossing everyone around, huh? Piper: You'd better believe it. Paige: I don't understand, how come you can heal us but you can't heal yourself. Leo: It just doesn't work that way. Piper: Yeah, but you can switch powers with Phoebe, like we did before. Leo: No! Look, if The Source comes and Phoebe doesn't have her powers, you don't stand a chance. I mean it. I'm still your Whitelighter. Piper: Well, who's bossing whom around now? Paige, go tell Phoebe to find something else, a spell, an amulet, whatever. Go! (Paige walks into the conservatory where Phoebe and Cole are.) Phoebe: It'll never work. Paige: Will anything? Phoebe: I don't know. Paige: So, what, we're all just gonna die? Cole: You can't think that way. Paige: Why not? Isn't that what we're all thinking anyway? Phoebe: We'll figure a way out of this. Paige: How? The Source knew we'd be prepared, that's why he came after our powers. The Source knew we had an in-house healer, that's why he came after Leo. He knows what we're gonna do before we even do. Phoebe: Well, it's not over yet. I still have my power. Paige: Great. Two down. [Scene: Underworld. The Source's cave. The Source and the Seer are there. The Seer is looking into the future.] The Source: One to go. (He walks over to the Seer.) What is it? What do you see? Tell me. Seer: I see nothing. The Source: What do you mean? Do I or do I not have the power to defeat the witches? Seer: You misunderstood. I see nothing. No magic, no life, no world. The Hollow will consume everything just as I warned. The Source: Then if there's no future I have no further need for you, do I, Seer? Seer: Please, I beg you. Find another way. Put the Hollow back where it belongs. The Source: Not until I'm finished. Not until I've killed them all. Seer: But that's madness. The Hollow won't let you stop there. The Source: Then so be it! Seer: Forgive me. I serve you as always, even until the end. The Source: Guard the Hollow. I have one more demon to recruit. One more power to obtain. (He flames out. The Seer touches to box and looks into the future.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper walks in with a glass of water. She slows down when she sees Leo not moving.] Piper: Leo? (Leo groans.) Leo: Hey. (Piper breathes a sigh of relief.) Piper: Hey. (She kneels beside him.) Drink this. (She pours some water in his mouth.) Leo: I guess you picked the wrong beneficiary after all. Piper: Don't talk like that. Leo: Piper, you need to get out of here before he comes back. Piper: I'm not leaving you. Leo: The Source... Piper: Is not gonna scare me away, and neither are you, so just forget about it. You're not gonna die. 'Cause I'm not gonna let you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Phoebe's bedroom. Cole opens the closet and pulls something out of a coat pocket. Phoebe walks in and opens the dresser drawer.] Phoebe: I'm just looking for my potion book. Have you seen it anywhere? Cole: I didn't think you could save Leo with a potion. Phoebe: Well, it's not just to save Leo, it's to save us all. Cole: Oh, yeah? How? Phoebe: I-I don't know, but I have to do something, I can't just sit around and... (She notices Cole is holding onto a ring box.) What's that? Cole: This? Phoebe: Yeah. Cole: It's just a little something I've been waiting for the right moment to give you. (He opens it to reveal a diamond ring.) It's not your Grams' but hopefully it's not cursed. Phoebe: I-I don't think now's the time. Cole: Actually, I think now's the perfect time. (He takes the ring out of the box and puts it on her finger.) This way no matter what happens, you'll always know that I love you. Phoebe: It's beautiful. Now you have to go. Cole: No, I'm staying here with you. Phoebe: Do you want me to watch you die too? Cole: If that's what it takes to save you, yeah. Phoebe: No, but I'm supposed to save you. That's why I got that premonition. Cole: Not necessarily. You know as well as I do you're not meant to stop every premonition. Some are just meant to prepare you for what's to come. (The doorbell rings.) [Cut to downstairs. Paige heads for the door.] Paige: I'll be right there. (Piper comes out of the living room and stops Paige.) Piper: Paige, this is no time for guests. Paige: It's not social, I called Darryl. Piper: Darryl? You're supposed to be helping Phoebe. Paige: She doesn't need my help. But there is somebody who does, excuse me. (Paige opens the door. Caroline has bruises and cuts on her face.) Oh, Caroline. Caroline: I'm so sorry, Paige. After everything you've done to help me. Paige: It's not over, not yet. Piper: Paige. Paige: Darryl, take Caroline into the sunroom. Darryl: Is everything okay? Piper: No. Paige: Yes. (Darryl and Caroline go into the sunroom. Paige closes the door.) Piper: Are you outta your mind? We don't have time for other peoples problems right now. Paige: It's something I've got to do. Especially if it's the last thing I do. (Paige walks into the conservatory.) Darryl: Hey, what's going on? Paige: I don't have time to explain. I think I can still help you get your son back. Caroline: But how? The judge will take one look at me... Paige: No, I think I can help. I just need you to turn away from me. Please, just trust me. (Caroline turns away. Paige walks across the room over to the Book of Shadows. Darryl follows.) Darryl: You're gonna use magic? Paige: Yes, I am. "Let the object of affection become but a dream, as I cause this seen to be unseen." Okay, Caroline, you can turn around now. (She turns around and her cuts and bruises have disappeared.) Darryl: Whoa. Caroline: What? (She touches her face.) What happened? Darryl: Just a second, Caroline. (to Paige) Look, I've known you guys long enough to know that you don't do something like this unless something is seriously wrong. What's going on? Paige: Just get down town and make the judge see the real Caroline, and make sure that slime boy ex of hers gets put away. Please. Just go. (Darryl walks over to Caroline and they leave. Phoebe and Cole walk in.) Phoebe: Piper? (Piper walks in.) Cole: We may have a plan to get your powers back. Phoebe: Then maybe Paige could help heal Leo. Piper: A spell? Phoebe: Remember the one to call for witches powers? Maybe it might be strong enough to call the powers from the Hollow. Paige: Could that work? Piper: It has to. (to Cole) Uh, could you watch Leo? (The girls leave the room. Cole walks into the living room. He sits on the coffee table next to Leo. Cole gasps and disappears.) [Cut to the underworld. Cole appears in the Source's cave. He looks around.] Seer: Don't be afraid. (He spins around. The Seer walks in.) Cole: Who are you? Where am I? Seer: Back in your once and future life... Belthazor. Cole: Belthazor? (The Seer moves closer.) Seer. Seer: Even now I can see the void where your demon half used to exist. It craves to be complete again. Cole: How'd you know I was still alive? Seer: I had a vision. One where you and I do great things together. Cole: I don't work with evil anymore. Seer: You might reconsider if you hope to save your precious witch. Only you and I can help to beat the Source. Cole: I'm listening. Seer: If you take in the Hollow, you can absorb the Source's power when he attacks. Once powerless, they can vanquish him. (She picks up the Hollow box.) Cole: And what happens to me after? Seer: The witches and I will banish the Hollow back to its crypt. You will return to normal. Cole: How do I know this isn't one of The Source's tricks? Or one of yours for that matter. Seer: The Source has been corrupted by the Hollow. And is going to destroy us all. He can not be allowed to continue with this path of madness. Cole: If I do this, what do you see then? Seer: A future for both sides. (He walks across the room.) Cole: Is this the great thing you saw us doing together? Seer: Perhaps. However, you won't even know unless the Source is stopped first. It's your only chance to save your love. (He walks over to her and she opens the box. The bee-like creatures fly into Cole through his eyes and mouth.) [Cut to the manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are reading a spell out of the book.] Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "Powers of the witches rise, course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near, come to us and settle here." (The house starts to shake and the Source flames in. They gasp.) Paige: Oh my god. The Source: Not quite. Phoebe: Run! (They run into the living room.) Paige: I thought we called for our powers. (They run through the living room and The Source blows up the wall. They dive into the foyer.) The Source: I have your powers now and a few of my own. (A fireball appears in his hand and aims for Piper.) Paige: Piper! (The Source throws the fireball at Piper and she is knocked against the wall.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Paige carry Piper in.] Paige: Hurry, he's coming. (They take her across the room and put her down.) Phoebe: Come on, honey, we need you, Piper, it's time. Come on, you can do it. Paige: Do what? We have no powers. Phoebe: It doesn't matter, we can still make the plan work. Get the crystals. (Paige races across the room. The Source flames in in front of her. She stops.) The Source: Seems almost anti-climatic after all this time, doesn't it? (He pulls her behind him and she flies into some cardboard boxes and a mattress.) Phoebe: Piper. The Source: Say hello to Prue for me. (Phoebe kicks him and he falls to the floor. Paige grabs the crystals.) Paige: Phoebe! (She throws Phoebe some crystals and she puts them on the floor near her. The Source stands up.) The Source: Your power was always the weakest, hardly worth taking. Your life however is. Phoebe: Paige, now! (Paige puts down the last crystal and electricity bolts surround him. Phoebe and Paige go back over to Piper.) The Source: Crystal. (A crystal orbs into his hand. The trap disappears.) Now the moment we've all been waiting for. (He throws a fireball but before it can hit Phoebe, Cole appears and runs in front of her. He absorbs The Source's power.) Belthazor! Phoebe: No, The Hollow. (Cole throws a fireball at the Source.) Cole: Hurry, the spell. (Phoebe gets a piece of paper out of her pocket and the girls read from it.) Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "Prudence, Patricia, Penelope, Melinda, Astrid, Helena, Laura and Grace, (the Source catches on fire) Halliwell witches stand strong beside us, vanquish this evil from time and space." (The Source yells and causes a big explosion. He is vanquished. The Seer appears holding the Hollow box.) Phoebe: Who are you? Seer: Someone who just helped save your lives. (She opens the box and the Hollow escapes out of Cole and goes back in the box.) Quickly, take my hand. Cole: Trust her. If you want your powers back. (Phoebe goes over to her.) Seer: Say the inscription with me. Seer, Phoebe: Abolio exume ga ume to eternius." (The box floats up in the air and lets off a bright light. It disappears and returns to its crypt.) [Cut to the living room. Phoebe and Paige run in over to Leo. Paige holds her hands over his wound and tries to heal him.] Paige: I can't do it, nothing's happening. Phoebe: Hold his hand. (She does so.) And let his power to heal flow through you. (She heals him. He wakes up.) Leo: Paige, Phoebe. Paige: I did it, it worked. (Piper, Cole and The Seer walk in.) Piper: Leo. (She goes over to him.) Seer: All is as it should be again. Time to return to my side. Too bad Belthazor's gone, he would have made a great new Source. Cole: Too bad. Phoebe: I don't know who you are, but whoever you are, we thank you. Seer: Oh, I didn't do this for your future, I did it for mine. Paige: I don't understand, if we got our powers back, where did the Source's go? Seer: Into the void. (She disappears.) Piper: Okay, who was that? Cole: A very evil person. Phoebe: Yeah, one that saved our lives, and helped us kill the Source. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. The guy behind the bar hands Leo a plate of snacks.] Guy: Here you go. Enjoy. (Leo takes it over to a table where the girls are giggling. He puts it on the table.) Leo: Here you go guys, on the house. Piper: Oh, easy for you to say. Leo: Yeah, well, you deserve to celebrate. Yeah, I still can't believe it, you guys actually vanquished the Source. Paige: So what does that mean? Is our destiny fulfilled? Piper: I don't know. But at least that part of the nightmare's over. Phoebe: For Prue. (They clink their beer bottles.) Piper: For Prue. Leo: What do you say we go home and get started on our future. Piper: What do you say we go home and sleep, then we work on the future tomorrow night. (Piper and Leo leave. Phoebe and Paige laugh. Cole walks over to them.) Phoebe: Hi, honey, are you okay? Cole: Yeah, yeah, why. Phoebe: Well, it just took you a little while to get back. Cole: It did? Phoebe: Mm-hm. Paige: You know, facing death has kind of made me wanna face life and I'll tell you what, there's a piece of life over there that I think I wanna talk to. (A guy at the bar looks at her and smiles.) Phoebe: You go get him, girl. (She goes over to him.) You sure you're okay? Cole: Yeah, yeah, I'm just a little tired. Phoebe: Too tired to celebrate? You are my soon to be husband, and you're also my hero. (She hugs him.) Cole: Oh, I'm nobody's hero. (Fire appears in his eyes and they turn black.)

Plan: A: the Seer; Q: Who steals the Hollow? A: the Source; Q: What is the Seer trying to save? A: the Charmed Ones; Q: Who does the Seer discover will destroy the Source? A: centuries; Q: How old was the agreement between good and evil? A: an ancient vapor; Q: What is the Hollow? A: Piper and Paige's; Q: Whose powers did the Seer steal? A: Phoebe; Q: Who has to work with Cole? A: a premonition; Q: What does Phoebe have? A: a demon; Q: What does Phoebe see Cole saving her from? Summary: When the Seer discovers that the Source will be destroyed by the Charmed Ones, he breaks a centuries old agreement between good and evil when he steals the Hollow, an ancient vapor, which he uses to steal Piper and Paige's powers. As this transpires, Phoebe has to work with Cole, despite having a premonition where she sees him sacrificing himself to save her from a demon. Meanwhile, there's more to Phoebe's premonition than meets the eye.

THE ANDROID INVASION by Terry Nation Part One 5:45pm - 6:10pm [SCENE_BREAK] (Ext forest, day. We follow a UNIT soldier as he staggers clumsily through the brush. His right arm twitches and he stares blankly ahead into space, crashing through the forest at random.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The TARDIS materializes in a clearing in the same forest. The Doctor steps out with a bottle of ginger beer. As he examines his surroundings, he takes a sip. Sarah Jane Smith calls from inside the TARDIS...) SARAH: (os) Well, come on, make your mind up. Has the TARDIS brought us home or not? DOCTOR: Possibly. (Sarah emerges from the TARDIS. She is dressed in a pink pantsuit with a white scarf and a sailor collar. She looks peeved at the Doctor, but not overly so.) SARAH: What do you mean, possibly? DOCTOR: Well, the coordinates were set for your time, but the linear calculator, well...pfff! Ginger pop? (He offers her a sip.) SARAH: Can't stand the stuff, thanks all the same. So we could be anytime, anywhere? (The Doctor starts to walk round the TARDIS, examining its exterior.) DOCTOR: I really must get the TARDIS seen to. She's way overdue for her 500-year service. (He wanders off a bit.) SARAH: Well, at least we're on Earth. I mean, just taste that air! (inhales) I love that smell, just after a rain shower. DOCTOR: (calling) Yes, it does have the peculiar earthy smell. Which is odd when you look at the ground. SARAH: Hmm? DOCTOR: Bone dry. Can't have been any rain here for more than a week. (He takes an instrument out of his pocket, which begins to beep.) DOCTOR: Now I wonder what could be causing that. SARAH: What? DOCTOR: Some enormous release of energy. SARAH: We are on Earth, aren't we? DOCTOR: Well, unless someone's started exporting acorns. (He grabs a branch of the oak tree above him and pulls it down into view.) DOCTOR: Oak trees don't grow anywhere else in the Galaxy. SARAH: Oh. Bet we're miles away from UNIT HQ though. So, what are we going to do? DOCTOR: Eenie, meenie, minie...mo. (He points in different directions with each word and then sets off.) DOCTOR: Watch the brambles. (Sarah stumbles into a bramble.) SARAH: Ow. (They walk off through the woods.) SARAH: Listen, what's so special about "eenie meenie minie mo"? (A branch whaps her in the face and she laughs good-naturedly. Behind them, we can see the UNIT soldier obscured in the undergrowth, standing stock still.) DOCTOR: Nothing. It could just as easily be "Fum-fee-fo...uh, fi?" (As they walk by, the UNIT soldier becomes plainly visible and there is a dramatic chord.) SARAH: (laughs) "Fee-fi-fo-fum." (As our heroes move out of earshot, the UNIT soldier starts walking again, still twitching spasmodically. Then we're back with the Doctor and Sarah, walking through the woods.) SARAH: Hang on, I thought I saw someone. DOCTOR: Let's hope they're not strangers here themselves. (Four men in white bodysuits and wearing what appear to be space helmets stride into view and stop, facing our heroes. The Doctor and Sarah stop as well.) DOCTOR: Hello there! SARAH: (nervous) No wait, Doctor. I don't like the look of them. DOCTOR: What? (to the men in white) Please excuse me. Could you be very kind and tell me where we are? (Instead of answering, the figures raise their right arms in pantomime "gun" position - just like little kids playing cowboys and Indians without any toy guns. Their outstretched fingers actually do function as guns and they open fire on the Doctor and Sarah, who start running. [The gun SFX is, shall we say, less than convincing.] The white guys pursue our heroes.) DOCTOR: I thought it was odd. Didn't you think it was odd? I remember I said to the Duke of Malbury once... SARAH: (exasperated) Oh, Doctor! (Suddenly and without warning, Sarah stumbles in the foreground. This cuts to a shot where she rolls down a gentle incline which turns into a cliff somehow. She grabs onto a branch to stop her descent.) DOCTOR: Sarah! Don't look down! (Sarah looks down. After a struggle, the Doctor pulls Sarah back up. They are now on the edge of what looks like a disused gravel pit.) SARAH: Thanks. DOCTOR: My pleasure. Couldn't leave you hanging around in a place like this. (The glare she gives the Doctor is cut short as she sees something approaching. The Doctor looks - it's the UNIT soldier, twitching very badly.) DOCTOR: Stop, man. Stop! SARAH: No! No!!!! (The soldier doesn't stop but keeps lurching on towards the cliff edge. He goes over and falls down to come to a crashing stop amongst the rocks at the bottom. The Doctor and Sarah peer over the edge and see his motionless body lying draped over a boulder. They climb down the gentle incline to find the body at the bottom of the cliff. The Doctor finds no pulse.) DOCTOR: Must've died instantly. (Sarah points to a badge.) SARAH: Look. He's from UNIT! (The Doctor pulls out the man's wallet.) DOCTOR: Look at this. (He dumps the wallet's contents - several bright, shiny coins - into Sarah's hands.) SARAH: They're all new! DOCTOR: Freshly minted. No scratches, tarnish... SARAH: And all dated the same year! (They sift through the coins, examining each one.) DOCTOR: What are the odds against finding a pocket full of coins that are all dated the same? SARAH: I don't understand it. DOCTOR: No. Nor do I...yet. (He looks up and spots a large, roughly coffin-shaped object not far away. The lid looks more like the top of a clam shell, and it's very battered. There are four holes in one end and the whole thing is about 7 feet long. There's a tire leaning against it. Our heroes investigate.) SARAH: Oh, come on, Doctor! It's just a load of old junk. DOCTOR: No, no, no, wait. I've seen something like this before. My memory's getting terrible. Three hundred years ago I'd've recognized this like a shot. (There is a gunshot. The Doctor ducks.) SARAH: Doctor! (The Doctor pulls Sarah down behind the coffin-shaped thing.) DOCTOR: Keep down! (There are more gunshots. They sound the same as the ones fired by the pseudo-astronaut types. After a while, it dies down. The Doctor pokes his head out to investigate. There are two of the white-suited men. They fire as soon as they see the Doctor's head. He ducks back.) DOCTOR: Something seems to have annoyed them again. Come on. (The Doctor and Sarah make a break for it while the white jumpsuits keep shooting at them. They get back to the forest and run along its edge for a while before disappearing into the woods. The jumpsuits are fooled and think they've kept running and soon realize they've lost them, at which point they give up.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The Doctor and Sarah jog into a typical southern English town.) DOCTOR: Well, well! Well, well. SARAH: Devesham! DOCTOR: Hm? (They look around the village square. It is deserted.) SARAH: Doctor, we're at Devesham! DOCTOR: Do you know it? SARAH: I came here on a story about two years ago. DOCTOR: Oh. It's a bit quiet. SARAH: Yes. (They look around a little more. The Doctor climbs up on the steps of a small monument that stands in the middle of the square.) DOCTOR: (loudly) Anyone about? Anyone? (There is no response.) DOCTOR: No one about. Let's try the pub. (They run down to the pub together.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. pub. The Doctor and Sarah enter to find the pub completely deserted, but with everything in order.) DOCTOR: Odd. (The Doctor bangs on the bar.) DOCTOR: Innkeeper? SARAH: Hello? Anyone about? DOCTOR: What's this pub called? SARAH: Uh, Fleur-de-Lis, wasn't it? DOCTOR: Hm? SARAH: (enunciating) Fleur...de...Lis. DOCTOR: Marie Celeste, more like it. (They look around, seriously spooked.) SARAH: It's weird. A whole village full of people can't just disappear. (The Doctor opens the cash register.) DOCTOR: Here it is again. SARAH: What? (He takes out coins, examines them.) DOCTOR: Freshly minted money, all the same year. Sarah? SARAH: Hm? DOCTOR: What was that story you came here on? SARAH: There was a bit of a brouhaha up at the space defense station. It's about a mile from here. DOCTOR: Is it? (Sarah nods. The Doctor crosses from the bar to a table near the dartboard. He examines one of the darts sitting on the table.) DOCTOR: If we've landed in a prohibited area, then those people who shot at us were possibly guards. SARAH: Trespassers are prosecuted in England, not killed. Anyway, they weren't dressed like guards. DOCTOR: (speculating) Protective clothing? Some kind of radioactivity? Remember, I detected an energy source. Soldier who went over the cliff, possibly affected by it. SARAH: Radiation sickness! DOCTOR: Something like that. SARAH: And this place, the village? DOCTOR: Evacuated. (Sarah looks around the pub, all still set up for business.) SARAH: Then it must've been done in a hurry. DOCTOR: If some dangerous substance leaked, there would be a hurry. SARAH: (frustrated) Oh, that's great! And we've been walking around right in the middle of it...like a couple of narners. DOCTOR: (smiles tolerantly) It's only a speculation. SARAH: It's a nasty one. (Sarah realizes one thing that doesn't add up.) SARAH: What about the money?DOCTOR: Contamination precaution. Money changes hands. In a place like this, it might be necessary to bring in clean currency every couple of months. (She looks out the window.) SARAH: Doctor! The village isn't deserted anymore. (They look out the window - the guards are back, walking through the square. Sarah's eyes widen in surprise.) SARAH: No...it can't be. It can't be! DOCTOR: It's impossible! (The guards are accompanied by a perfectly normal looking UNIT soldier - the same one the Doctor and Sarah had seen fall to his death only a short while before.) SARAH: But he was dead! I saw him! (Unnerved, Sarah shudders, accidentally knocking over a pint glass, which shatters on the floor. She draws in her breath sharply, startled. Outside, the guards pause. They heard the noise. They start moving towards the door to investigate. Inside, Sarah turns to beat a hasty departure, but the Doctor grabs her arm and restrains her.) SARAH: They heard me! DOCTOR: (hissing) Wait! (A small truck - the sort that gets used for hayrides in the winter - is coming down the street. This attracts the guards' attention. The back is filled with ordinary people, all sitting perfectly rock solid. There's even a minister, a butcher, and the innkeeper sitting there. As our heroes watch, the oddly stiff people disembark from the truck and disperse. Sarah recognizes one of them.) SARAH: (whispering to the Doctor) Man in the tweed jacket - that's Mr Morgan - landlord. DOCTOR: (whispering back) Come. (He pulls her away from the window and into a closet. Outside, many of the people head into the pub. Once inside, they take up positions at tables, at the bar, by the dartboard, etc. They remain totally motionless. Our heroes watch from behind the door. After a while, the clock strikes twelve. When it's done, they all immediately begin to move around, order drinks, talk, etc., just as if they'd always been doing that and had never been standing totally motionless. Behind the back door - which isn't a closet after all - the Doctor and Sarah turn to face each other, shocked.) DOCTOR: Extraordinary. SARAH: What's the matter with them? DOCTOR: I haven't the faintest idea, but I intend to find out. SARAH: How? DOCTOR: Space defense station. I could contact UNIT from there. You stay here and keep an eye on things. SARAH: Eh? DOCTOR: You'll be all right. SARAH: I've heard that before! DOCTOR: (stage whisper) You think you can find your way back to the TARDIS? SARAH: (normal voice) Of course I can. (The Doctor hands her the TARDIS key.) DOCTOR: If anything goes wrong, meet me there. SARAH: And what if... (But the Doctor leaves before she can finish her sentence. Sarah looks annoyed. She puts the key in her pocket and turns back to the closed door to the pub. She opens the door just a crack to peer through. The supposedly dead soldier sees the door open a crack and walks over. He pulls the door open suddenly, and Sarah falls through with a gasp. The villagers stare emotionlessly at her in total silence. She attempts to recover her cool and walks in.) SARAH: Ahem. (brightly) Afternoon! Well, just about, anyway. (She walks to the bar with the innkeeper standing behind.) SARAH: Hallo! Mr Morgan, isn't it? (no response - he just keeps staring straight ahead.) SARAH: Well, you remember me, don't you? Sarah Jane Smith? I came here on a story. I stayed here, about two years ago. (She stares hopefully at Mr Morgan - the pleasant smile of a seasoned journalist in a difficult situation on her face. Morgan does not react, but continues to stare past her into space. Sarah looks around at the other villagers, who are all staring silently. Unnerved, she turns back to Morgan.) SARAH: Well, somebody say something! (A UNIT soldier comes up behind her.) UNIT SOLDIER: Who sent you? SARAH: (affronted) What do you mean, who sent me? UNIT SOLDIER: How did you get here? SARAH: (smiles) I walked. Look, perhaps... UNIT SOLDIER: What are you doing here? SARAH: (to Morgan) Do you allow all your customers to be grilled like this? UNIT SOLDIER: We don't have strangers here. SARAH: Now that's ridiculous! MORGAN: (finally speaking) Wait... She may be part of the test. SARAH: Test? What test? UNIT SOLDIER: She doesn't know. SARAH: Look, what's going on here? MORGAN: (to Sarah) I think you'd better go, Miss. SARAH: Why? MORGAN: It might be best. SARAH: (earnestly) Look, if...if there's some sort of trouble, perhaps I could help. (Pause. There is no answer.) SARAH: Right. Well, I intend to find out, anyway. (She heads for the door. The soldier moves to stop her.) SARAH: And I'm sure you shouldn't be drinking so soon after breaking your neck. (Sarah bolts for the door. This time, no one moves to stop her. There is a close-up of the UNIT soldier's blank, emotionless face.) (CUT TO the exterior of the pub, where Sarah hurries out the door. The flatbed truck that had brought the mindless, staring villagers in is still sitting there, guarded by one of the white-jumpsuited guards. His back is to the camera, but we can see that the faceplate of his helmet is up. Sarah creeps by behind him. He turns, slowly, and we see that inside his mask his face is nothing but diodes and capacitors. He is a robot. Frightened, Sarah bolts into the nearby woods.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Exterior Space Defense Centre. It's a spectacularly cheesy model shot, with a dish antenna going round, CSO superimposed onto an actual building. The Doctor is walking through the shrubbery, approaching the building. He sees no one as he walks across the Centre's courtyard and approaches the front door. There is a faint, electronic grating sound, sorta like crickets on dope. He's worried; the place should be crawling with guards. Certainly he should've been challenged by now. He walks through the doors, which slide open automatically with a whoosh. Inside, he looks around and spots a soldier standing motionless at attention by one wall. He walks up to the soldier.) DOCTOR: Hello? (No response.) DOCTOR: Can you tell me where I can find the C.O.? The commanding officer? (The soldier still doesn't answer [but the actor blinks about half-way, then catches himself, remembering that he's supposed to be frozen motionless]. The Doctor politely ignores this and turns away from the unresponsive soldier.) DOCTOR: I'll tell you what. I won't bother you. (The Doctor goes down the hallway, checking in doorways. He sees no one else at this point, and the halls are dark.) (Cut back to the guard at the entrance. Still expressionless, he slowly turns to look in the direction the Doctor left.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Exterior forest. Sarah is jogging towards the TARDIS. She reaches it, puts her key in the lock and, before she can open the TARDIS, she notices something out of the corner of her eye and turns. Sitting in the clearing is a black pod about 7 feet long and 3 feet tall. There's a seam down its length as if it's supposed to open like a walnut. There are four holes at one end. Curious, Sarah walks over to check it out. She leaves the key in the lock. As she examines the pod, the TARDIS dematerializes.) SARAH: (alarmed) Doctor? Don't go! I'm still here! (The TARDIS vanishes altogether.) SARAH: (soft, sounding betrayed) Don't leave me. (Cut to a close-up of the pod's seam, right behind Sarah's knee. It opens, but she's so distraught she doesn't notice. The Doctor has left her.) SARAH: Can't have gone... (A hand reaches out from the pod and grabs her leg. She shouts, startled, and pulls away. As she moves off to a safe distance, the pod opens up all the way, like a coffin, and we can see a man in a black suit lying there. He has no expression on his face. Sarah looks back at the man and sees that he's not getting up. Concerned, she approaches and kneels down at his side.) SARAH: (kindly) Can I help you? (The man's arm moves slowly at first, then suddenly both his hands come up and lock around Sarah's throat. She struggles, then frees herself. She hightails it out of there as the man slowly sits up.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Space Defense Centre. Close-up on a man with an eye patch [played by Milton Johns]. A distorted voice comes over an intercom system and the man clearly reacts. He's definitely got emotion.) STYGGRON: (os) Crayford? Crayford! (The man with the eye patch - named Guy Crayford, as it happens - rushes through a door into his office to answer the intercom. He sits down at his desk. He's wearing Cuban heels and bellbottom jeans.) STYGGRON: (os) Crayford, I say! CRAYFORD: (answering) Yes, Styggron? STYGGRON: (os, obviously ticked) I ordered all units to recharge stations. The order is not being observed. CRAYFORD: (alarmed) In what way, Styggron? STYGGRON: (os) We have detected movement within the complex. A unit may have gone random. Check and report! CRAYFORD: (getting up) Yes, Styggron. Immediately, Styggron. (He leaves the office, alert for movement. Suddenly, he seems to notice something coming, because he quickly ducks into the office next to his. A moment later, we see the Doctor through the glass panels in the doors at the end of the hallway. The Doctor comes through those doors, making no effort at stealth. He stops at the door where Crayford is hiding, but before he opens the door, he notices Crayford's office and reads the sign on it. The sign says "Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart." The Doctor grins and sweeps into the office.) DOCTOR: (jovial) Alistair? (his face falls) Alistair? (He's somewhat down at finding nobody at home, but he goes and looks through the papers on the desk anyway. The first paper he looks at is obviously not helpful and he drops it back to the desk. There's a map as well, which he starts unfolding. Once he's got it halfway open, Crayford comes in from the adjoining office, a gun in his hand.) CRAYFORD: Keep your hands where I can see them! (The Doctor already has his hands apart, holding the map, so he just raises them a bit.) DOCTOR: (cheerful) Those are the first friendly words I've heard since I got here. CRAYFORD: (unimpressed by the Doctor's mood) Yes, I dare say. (He crosses to stand behind the desk, keeping the gun on the Doctor all the time.) CRAYFORD: And just how did you get here, incidentally? DOCTOR: Oh, I dropped in, you know. I do from time to time. CRAYFORD: I can easily get the truth from you! DOCTOR: (calmly) You're getting it. (Annoyed, Crayford snatches the map away from the Doctor.) DOCTOR: (grinning hugely) Who are you? CRAYFORD: I'm asking the questions, and I have the gun! DOCTOR: (serious) I just wondered. You're in someone else's office. It says "Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart" on the door. CRAYFORD: (surprise) You know the Brigadier? DOCTOR: Mmm-hmm. I'm his unpaid scientific advisor. CRAYFORD: (smiling, relieved, but still holding the gun) Oh yes! Yes, I see. I see, you're the Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes. CRAYFORD: Yes, I've heard of you. DOCTOR: Good. Who are you? CRAYFORD: I'm the senior defense astronaut, Guy Crayford. DOCTOR: Well, how do you do! (The Doctor goes to shake Crayford's hand, but Crayford immediately becomes hostile again, gesturing with the gun.) CRAYFORD: Get your hands up, Doctor, thank you! You could be an impostor, couldn't you? DOCTOR: You know, look, I've got a suggestion, my arms are beginning to ache, why not call Lethbridge-Stewart and get him to identify me? CRAYFORD: (sharp) Lethbridge-Stewart is in Geneva. Colonel Faraday is in command. (Crayford presses a button on the desk intercom. It bleeps once.) DOCTOR: If you're calling the butler, I'm very partial to tea and muffins. CRAYFORD: You're going to have to stay in detention until your identity's been verified. DOCTOR: Oh, please, no detention. No detention... No detention, you see... (As he babbles, he ducks down, grabs Crayford's arm, shoves it roughly away to spoil the aim, and leaps out of the room, keeping very low. He looks both ways down the hallway. One way, an emotionless UNIT guard has arrived, He doesn't look friendly. As the Doctor runs the other way, Crayford dashes out of the office and fires once, but misses. The Doctor rounds a corner and finds a ladder. He begins climbing. Back at the office, the UNIT guard seems unsure what to do, so Crayford shouts at him.) CRAYFORD: Get after him, man! (The man dashes off. He spots the Doctor just as he closes the hatch at the top of the ladder, and climbs after him. The Doctor is now on the roof. An alarm is ringing. Two UNIT guards start firing at the Doctor from the parking lot below, but they don't have a clear shot - they miss. Sarah suddenly shows at the complex as well, unsure of what's going on. She can see the roof. The guard from the hallway also arrives at the roof, and we see that it's the guy who fell off the cliff. To escape, the Doctor leaps off the roof edge and lands on a lower edge. Sarah is watching, and she gasps. He lands safely, but one of the white-jumpsuited android spacemen appears, pointing its finger at the Doctor meaningfully. Another hand appears from the left of the camera, pointing at the Doctor. They've got him surrounded.) DOCTOR: Is that finger loaded? (Realizing that he's lost, the Doctor nods and allows the two androids to lead him away. Sarah sees them go and follows them. Apparently she was on this lower roof.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Int. Space Defense Centre. The jumpsuited androids show the Doctor into a hallway that is featureless except for the door they came through, a telephone on the wall, and an intercom thingy. One of the androids steps on the Doctor's scarf and it releases with a BOINGOINGOINGOING!!! As they disappear off camera, Sarah follows them into the hallway, being careful to close the door quietly behind her. The androids lock the Doctor into a holding cell. There is no complicated locking mechanism; just three bolts slid back manually from the outside. Once the jumpsuits have gone, Sarah creeps up to the cell. We get a great close-up of her straw platform shoes with sparkly beads - very 70s. She checks to make sure the coast is clear, then whispers into the cell...) SARAH: (sotto voce) Doctor? Doctor, can you hear me? (The Doctor's face appears behind the grating in the door. He looks delighted to see her.) DOCTOR: Sarah? What are you doing here? SARAH: Rescuing you, actually. For a change! (As she starts undoing the bolts, we see the intercom thingy at the end of the hall swing suddenly inwards - it's actually a hidden peephole for someone on the other side of it. A very ugly alien face peers through it, watching.) (Cue music, cut to credits.)

Plan: A: the present day; Q: When do the Doctor and Sarah return to Earth? A: woods; Q: What is stalked by white-clad figures? Summary: The Doctor and Sarah return to Earth in the present day to find a strangely deserted village and woods stalked by white-clad figures.

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EARLY EVENING] [EXT. SPHINX AMUSEMENT PARK - PARKING LOT / ENTRACE - DAY] [EXT. VARIOUS RIDES - DAY] [EXT. SPHINX AMUSEMENT PARK -- PHARAOH'S FEVER RIDE (MOVING) - DAY] (The chains pull the roller coaster up the large ramp. The MOTHER and DAUGHTER sit in their seat just behind JOEY.) Daughter: (groans) I don't wanna go! Ooh! Oh, mommy. (JOEY unbuckles his seat belt and turns around to look back at them.) Joey: We're all going to die. Daughter: Cut it out! Mother: Joey, put your seat belt on. Now! (The cars reach the top and they can feel it as it starts its journey down the rails.) Voice: Here we go! VOICE: Oh, my goodness! VOICE: Whoa! (A close up of the coaster wheels shows it wobbling.) (Various cuts of the roller coaster ride with some emphasis on the wheels.) (The roller coaster comes to a stop at the platform.) Mother: Okay, guys, come on. (The family gets off of the ride.) Daughter: That was so fun. (The next set of passengers board the coaster ride.) Zack Lawrence: All right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Pharaoh's Fever. Buckle up. Get ready to scream. (The passengers are locked in and the ride starts.) (The young family steps out onto the walkway and heads over to the nearby food vendor. The kids are still excited about the ride.) Joey: That was so awesome. Daughter: When can we ride again? Mother: Um, we'll ride it in a minute. (The MOTHER turns to place in the order.) Mother: Um, Four King Tut burgers, uh, two Nile River ice teas and two milks. Daughter: Milk is nasty. Mother: (absently) Yeah. (At the sounds of the excessive screams, the family looks up in time to see the roller coaster cars fly off of the tracks (The roller coaster cars crash head first into the red car parked in the parking lot.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SPHINX AMUSEMENT PARK -- PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (BRASS stands in front of the wrecked car. The bodies of the riders are still on the pavement. GRISSOM ducks under the crime scene tape and walks over to BRASS.) Brass: So, Dr. Thrillseeker, you ever been on this roller coaster? (GRISSOM looks up at the ride.) Grissom: Pharaoh's Fever, yeah ... but my ride ended at the platform. What do you know? Brass: Six dead. Park full of eyewitnesses saw the train fly off the tracks. Four-oh-one-B. Grissom: Accident with injury. Brass: Uh-huh. Grissom: It's also a Four-Eighteen-B. Brass: A runaway? Grissom: (nods) A runaway train. FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SPHINX AMUSEMENT PARK - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (The amusement park parking lot is filled with personnel, curious on-lookers and the media. An OFFICER holds up the tape for NICK, SARA and GREG. GREG is carrying SARA'S kit for her in addition to his own. They make their way over to GRISSOM.) Nick: Hey. Sorry we're late. There was a news van blocking the entrance. Grissom: This is the first time a roller coaster has derailed in Clark County. Huge criminal and civil liabilities issues, so keep it quiet. Photograph the scene. Bag and tag all the detritus. Forklift anything bigger than Greg. We're going to put up a tent on the other side of the parking lot for accident reconstruction. Questions? Greg: Yeah. What's that guy doing so far away from the others? (They look over at the lone body on the ground away from the wreckage.) Grissom: Curious, isn't it? (GRISSOM turns and leaves. GREG looks at SARA.) Greg: So, when he asks if anybody has any questions, he's not really asking? Sara: Well, I don't know much about roller coaster accidents, but in auto collisions, the victims found furthest away from the car usually weren't wearing a seat belt. That'd be my bet. (Quick flashback to: [DAY] The roller coaster car flies off the track. The lone body flies out of the car. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: Okay, let's go to work. Greg: What should I do? Nick: Uh, photo-evidence log -- just record everything we collect, okay? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MOUNTAIN BRIDGE -- NIGHT] (The OFFICER shows WARRICK and CATHERINE to the body. DAVID PHILLIPS is already there logging his findings.) Officer: Couple of mountain bikers called in the body. Coroner just arrived. Catherine: Hi, David. David Phillips: Hey. Tessa Press. School I.D. was in her pocket. She's 13. (CATHERINE and WARRICK kneels down next to the body to get a better look.) Warrick: I hate these cases. Catherine: Now ... the body position is inconsistent with her lividity. David Phillips: After she died, blood settled to her anterior and lividity fixed. Catherine: So she had been facedown. David Phillips: Yeah. Warrick: And someone dumped her face up. (DAVID PHILLIPS nods.) Catherine: How long has she been here? David Phillips: I'll defer that question to the insects. (DAVID rolls the body and shows them to CATHERINE.) Catherine: Instar maggots. David Phillips: Given the ambient temperature and last night's rain, I'd estimate she's been out here twenty-four hours. Catherine: Takes that long for blowfly eggs to hatch. Warrick: I guess the rain would've washed away any trace evidence: Tire prints, shoe impressions. Catherine: Let's just hope there's some evidence on her body. David Phillips: If you're going to drive all the way out here to dump a body, why not take another ten minutes and bury her? Warrick: Guess it wasn't worth the killer's time. [SCENE_BREAK] [VARIOUS FLASHES OF BLACK & WHITE PHOTOS OF THE BODIES AT THE PARKING LOT] [EXT. SPHINX AMUSEMENT PARK - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (SARA continues to snap photos of the evidence and evidence markers on the asphalt. NICK bags the evidence while GREG logs them down. They work methodotically.) (In the background, we see the CORONERS remove the bodies.) (A large crane arrives to move the larger pieces -- smashed red car and roller coaster car.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SPHINX AMUSEMENT PARK - NEAR THE PHARAOH'S FEVER -- NIGHT] (BRASS questions ZACK LAWRENCE.) Brass: So, how long you been operating the roller coaster? Zack Lawrence: Couple of months. I got a promotion. I used to work the merry-go-round. Brass: That's a promotion, huh? Zack Lawrence: Yeah. Only little kids go on the merry-go-round. Brass: Oh, I see. So you get to meet girls your own age on Pharaoh's Fever. Zack Lawrence: Yeah, something like that. Brass: What kind of training do you get to be an operator? Zack Lawrence: (scoffs) Training? I release the brake. I press a button. It's green and marked "start". Brass: I get the picture. All right, look, there are six victims. It'd be helpful to know where each of them was sitting. Zack Lawrence: Um ... front bench was a girl. She was blond. Brass: Yeah? Zack Lawrence: Cute. (Quick flashback to: ZACK presses the green button. The ride starts.) Zack Lawrence: (V.O.) Uh, followed by a punk, old folks and some other dude. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: That's only five. Zack Lawrence: That's all I remember. (BRASS looks over at the photo vendor stand. There's a big sign on it: SEE YOURSELF SCREAM!) Brass: "See yourself scream"? What's this about? Zack Lawrence: We got a digital camera. It's mounted right over there. Brass: How does that work? Zack Lawrence: Camera's on a trigger. Train passes by, automatically snaps a picture and stores it in the computer's hard drive. The train was airborne. Never even got close to the camera. Brass: I'm still going to want to take that computer. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SPHINX AMUSEMENT PARK - NEAR THE FERRIS WHEEL-- NIGHT] (GRISSOM interviews WOODY.) Woody: I'm the park's chief engineer. Been working on coasters since before I was tall enough to ride 'em. Grissom: You responsible for maintaining this roller coaster? Woody: I keep all the rides up to code. Grissom: You have any idea what would cause this train to go off the track? Woody: Well, in theory, I didn't think it was possible. There's never been an accident like this anywhere. Grissom: So, you're an expert? Woody: On roller coasters? Hell yeah. Ten years of service on Six Flags' American Eagle before moving to Vegas. (GRISSOM looks down and sees the nut. He uses his pen and picks it up.) Grissom: Do you know what that is? Woody: That's a nut. It, uh ... secures the wheel to the screw. Grissom: Well, one loose screw ... couldn't cause a train to derail, could it? Woody: No, no, there's, uh ... eight wheels per train. They-they'd all have to be loose, and, uh ... that just doesn't happen. (Camera holds on a close up of the nut.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SPHINX AMUSEMENT PARK - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] [EXT. SPHINX AMUSEMENT PARK - TENT -- PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (They've set up a large tent in the parking lot. Inside, GRISSOM walks in. A long table has been set up with the various pieces of evidence gathered on it. NICK, SARA and GREG are going through everything.) Grissom: "There are three things in human life that are important. The first is to be kind; the second one is to be kind; and the third one is to be kind." Sara: Henry James. Grissom: Very good. Author of one of the greatest horror stories ever written: Turn of the Screw. And I'm looking for one. (He holds up the baggie with the nut.) Sara: A screw? Grissom: Yes. Nick: Oh, well ... technically, these are eccentric shafts, not screws. Grissom: Well, as long as you can screw a nut on it, it's a screw. Sara: "Turn of the Screw" isn't really a horror story. It's more of a mystery. Did the governess kill the little boy, or did the ghost do it? Grissom: Well, it's only a mystery if you believe in ghosts. (GRISSOM picks up a screw and looks at the threads.) Grissom: End threads are stripped. Nick: Means the nuts were loose. Excessive play on the screws would've worn down the threads. Grissom: And the nuts would've popped off. (Quick flashback to: [ROLLER COASTER WHEELS] The nut is loose and pops off. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Greg: Nuts don't just pop off by themselves. Grissom: We got tool marks. Grissom: Vertical striations, evenly spaced. Nick: Could've been a pipe wrench. Sara: Maybe whoever maintains the roll coaster uses a pipe wrench to tighten the nuts. Nick: Or whoever loosened the nuts screwed up. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM -- NIGHT] (WARRICK hands the morgue photo to RAINA to look at.) Raina Press: It's Tessa. I don't understand. How could this ... ? My baby. Catherine: I'm very sorry. Raina Press: She's beautiful, isn't she? Warrick: Ma'am, the coroner believes that Tessa died over twenty-four hours ago. Had you reported her missing? Raina Press: Couple nights a week, she'd sleep at her friend Carrie's. There's just the two of us. I'm a waitress. Work nights. That way I can ... make her breakfast and be there when she gets home from school. Warrick: When was the last time that you saw her? Raina Press: Yesterday morning. I got home around 6:00. We made pancakes. I packed her lunch and kissed her good-bye. When she didn't come home from school, I just figured she was at Carrie's. I should have called, but I didn't want to be a nag. I want to see her. Catherine: Officer, could you please escort Ms. Press ... to the morgue. (RAINA PRESS stands up and leaves. CATHERINE also stands up. WARRICK and CATHERINE watch her go.) Warrick: When's the last time you went twenty-four hours without talking to Lindsey? Catherine: A single mother, working nights. Warrick: I'm just saying, she didn't check on her own kid, you know? Catherine: Ah, you do the best you can. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (ROBBINS goes over the bodies with GRISSOM.) Robbins: Introductions. Shelly Hoffman, 25. Cause of death -- lacerated ventricle. Noah Nuland, 15. C.O.D.-- Head contusion. The swelling of the brain killed him within minutes. Now, Gary Clodfelter died of shock. His wife, May, exsanguinated. And their son, Cameron - another head contusion. Grissom: What about this guy? Robbins: Jim Nevins, 20. Park employee. Died from a temporal herniation. Impact to the head caused the brain to swell, which, in turn, put pressure on the brain stem. Grissom: According the ride operator, there were only five passengers on the roller coaster, and no employees. Robbins: Right. Grissom: So ... maybe Nevins was just an unfortunate bystander. Hit in the head by a falling roller coaster. Robbins: The chicken little theory? But here's the hitch. The others died roughly ten hours ago. Mr. Nevins' rigor mortis is fixed. Body temp puts the time of his death approximately sixteen hours before the others -- right around 1:00 a.m. (GRISSOM sighs.) Grissom: (sighs) Albert... dead men don't ride roller coasters. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VARIOUS AMUSEMENT PARK (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - WALKWAY -- DAY] (GRISSOM and SARA walk with WOODY.) Grissom: We're going to need to see the underside of the loading platform. Woody: Oh, follow me. Rumor has it the park's going to shut down Pharaoh's Fever for good. You know anything about that? Grissom: No. Woody: Newspaper called it "A Death Trap." An "Accident waiting to happen". Sara: You disagree with that? (They reach the platform. WOODY opens the gate.) Woody: Well, she's old and wrinkled, but I took good care of her. (SARA and GRISSOM crawl under the platform. WOODY starts to follow them, but GRISSOM stops him.) Grissom: Uh, Woody? We'd like to be alone. Woody: Holler if you need anything. (He shuts the gate behind them, turns and leaves.) [UNDER THE PLATFORM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM and SARA both look at the coaster railings from under the platform. They envision the train cars rolling in, pausing, and rolling out. The cars vanish.) Grissom: Well, easy access. Wheels are in reach. Sara: Anyone could have loosened the nuts from down here. (SARA sees something.) Sara: Check this out. Is that lubricant, maybe? Grissom: It's a funny place for lubricant. It's not even on the track. Sara: I'll swab it. (SARA takes a sample. GRISSOM looks up when he hears the sound of metal upon metal in the wind.) Grissom: Hey, look at that. Sara: That's worse than just a wrinkle. Woody: (o.s.) It's got a support beam under it. (At the sound of his voice, they both turn and see WOODY peering at them through the grate.) Woody: It's just a cosmetic problem. Sara: Sir, you need to step away. (SARA opens the gate door and steps out from under the platform. GRISSOM follows her.) Sara: We need some time. This is an active investigation. [WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS] Grissom: Were you aware that that support beam was detached? Woody: Well, hell, yeah. Fixed it a half dozen times this year. It's in my maintenance log. But like I said, that cross bar is supported by the metal beam. (He points and GRISSOM looks up.) But since my hours were cut back last November, I've had to prioritize my "fix-ums." Yeah, it's really too back, but, uh, you know-- (GRISSOM notices the wrench in WODDY'S tool belt. He glances at SARA, then back at WOODY.) Grissom: Woody, we'd like to requisition your pipe wrench. Woody: It's, uh, not technically mine. Sara: Are you the only one that uses it? Woody: Yeah, but it's the property of the park. Grissom: Well, I promise we'll get it back to you. (SARA takes out an evidence bag and WOODY puts his pipe wrench in it.) Sara: Thank you. (GRISSOM'S phone rings, he answers it.) Grissom: (to phone) Yeah? INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (NICK holds up a tweezer with the red fiber.) Nick: (to phone) I'm processing the dead park employee's clothing. The shirt and the pants are covered in red fibers. (He looks through the scope at the fiber.) Grissom: (from phone) Anything distinctive? Nick: (to phone) Well, they're trilobal. Grissom: (to phone) Very good. Thanks, Nick. (He hangs up.) Well, we need to find a car with a red interior. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PARKING LOT - TENT - DAY -CONTINUOUS] (GREG works on logging in the various car parts.) Sara: Hi. (He looks up and sees SARA walk in with GRISSOM. He gets to his feet.) Greg: The roller coaster broke into one hundred and six parts. I just logged the final piece. Sara: Good work. Greg: I found something a little unusual, for a roller coaster. (GREG motions for them to follow him. He shows them the roller coaster car.) Greg: Not a sailor, but a ... Sara: (surprised) Semen? s*x on the roller coaster? Greg: Or some kid shaking hands with shorty. (He grabs the ALS and shows it to them.) Grissom: The release of epinephrine and adrenaline while riding a roller coaster can produce a stimulatory effect. It enhances ejaculation. Greg: Right. But is it probative to our investigation? Sara: Well, um, why don't you swab a sample, and you can tell us. Grissom: Greg, do we know who the R.O. of this t-bird is? (GREG grabs the registration papers and reads off the name.) Greg: Uh ... Jim Nevins. Grissom: The dead employee. Greg: I didn't realize the cars were relevant to our investigation. Grissom: Everything's relevant Greg, until it's not. (GRISSOM and SARA both look into the car. SARA sees something in the trunk.) Sara: Grissom. (She takes out a glove and uses it to pick up the wrench.) Sara: Take a look at this. (She shows it to him.) Grissom: A pipe wrench. (She turns it around and sees something else.) Sara: Blood. Grissom: Greg, may I? (He holds out his hand and GREG hands him the ALS. GRISSOM checks the back of the trunk and envisions the dead body over it.) Grissom: Blood pool. (End of vision. GRISSOM turns to look at SARA and GREG.) Grissom: Camouflaged by the red carpet. That explains the autopsy findings. Nevins may have never been in the roller coaster. Possibly killed by that wrench and stuffed in his own trunk. Sara: And, uh, then what? (She shakes her head as she continues his line of thinking.) A renegade roller coaster comes along sixteen hours later, and propels Nevin's body from the trunk to the blacktop? Grissom: I'm just following the evidence. Sara: I'll call Brass, see if he can find an eyewitness that can place the car in the parking lot at the time of Nevin's death. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EVENING] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE - EVENING] (BRASS re-interviews ZACK LAWRENCE.) Zack Lawrence: Uh, so, Woody said that I might be able to help you with your investigation. Brass: Zack, you close up shop at the Sphinx at night. Zack Lawrence: Yeah, Monday to Friday. Uh, class till 3:00. Tutor kids in math till 5:00, and then I head over to the park. We close at 10:00. Brass: Did you notice any cars in the parking lot after closing on Thursday night? Zack Lawrence: Jimmy Nevins. His red t-bird was out there. Brass: Oh, you know Jimmy? Zack Lawrence: Yeah, sure; pretty cool guy. Worked the bumper cars. I still can't believe what happened, you know? I mean, I must have rode that coaster, like, phew, a hundred times, maybe more. Anyway, sometimes Jimmy stayed after closing. Brass: Why? Zack Lawrence: Look, I'm not trying to get anybody in trouble, but occasionally, Jimmy would take his ... dates for rides on The Fever, you know? Everybody knew about it. It was really no big deal. Brass: Do you happen to know the name of his date on Thursday night? Zack Lawrence: No, sorry. Brass: How did Jimmy get access to the park? I mean, all the power is shut down at night. Zack Lawrence: The same key that opens up the men's room door opens up all the power boxes at the park. Brass: (shakes his head) No kidding. Zack Lawrence: It's just hanging outside Woody's office. Brass: What about security? Zack Lawrence: Nope. Night guy got laid off. Budget cuts last winter. It's not like anybody's going break into an amusement park and steal a coaster, you know? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (DAVID goes over the findings with WARRICK. He shows WARRICK the x-ray.) David Phillips: X-rayed Tessa's neck. Blade appears to have perforated her fifth cervical intervertebral disc, lacerating the spinal cord. (Quick CGI POV of: Close up of the back of TESSA'S neck. The blade swipes across and -- her vertebrae snaps in two. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) David Phillips: Type of trauma suggests we're looking at asphyxia due to diaphragmatic paralysis. (WARRICK leans in close.) Warrick: It looks like there's soil inside of her wound. David Phillips: Well, we did find her outside. Warrick: Right. Should be soil around the wound. And on the wound, but not inside of it. (WARRICK takes a swab sample of the wound.) [SCENE_BREAK] [CLOSE UP: TWO PIPE WRENCHES ON THE LAB TABLE] [INT. CSI - LAB - NIGHT] (NICK works on taking mold samples of the wrench grips. He sets up a screw, takes a sample of the wrench grip on the screw and makes molds of the markings.) (He puts the samples under the scope and compares the two.) Nick: (mutters) Oh, I am the man. (GRISSOM walks into the lab and hears him.) Grissom: Are you? Nick: I microsilled the pipe wrenches you and Sara turned into evidence. I excluded Woody's wrench. Take a look at the tool marks from the wrench found in the t-bird. On the left, the sabotaged nut. On the right, the test marks. (GRISSOM looks through the scope and lines up the two samples.) Grissom: Perfect match. Nick: I have a theory maybe Jim Nevins sabotaged the roller coaster. (Quick flashback to: JIM NEVINS loosens the screw on the coaster. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: When he left the park, someone attacked him, grabbed his wrench and hit him over the head with it. (Quick flashback to: SOMEONE drags JIM NEVINS body over to the car and dumps it into the trunk. He tosses the pipe wrench in the trunk with the body. End of flashback. Resume to present. Grissom: Did you any prints off the wrench? Nick: I got a partial. And I had a tech print the T-bird. Found two sets of prints on the trunk's lid. (GREG walks into the lab.) Nick: One belonged to the vic, the other unknown, but it did match the partial. (Quick flashback to: SOMEONE closes the trunk, their hand lingering on the trunk hood. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Greg: That semen from the coaster's cab was just processed in my lab. All I can say is, Nevins was a cad. Nick: Semen match the dead guy's? Greg: Yup. And Sara spoke to Brass, who says Nevins was known for taking girls on private rides. Pharaoh's fever was his Spanish fly. Nick: Well, there goes my theory. No one tampers with their s*x machine. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- NIGHT] (SARA goes through the security camera pictures. NICK sits next to her at the table.) Sara: Multitrack digital camera snaps photos of all the passengers. The park finally sent over their computer, so I'm scanning through the day of the accident. Nick: Can you go back in time, to the night before? Sara: Yeah. Why? Nick: Jim Nevins may have been on that coaster. I want to see if anyone was with him. (SARA scrolls back and finds the photo of JIM NEVINS with a woman on the coaster.) Nick: Oh. So much for safe s*x. Sara: Who's the girl? Nick: Reverse one more pic. (SARA goes back a couple of pictures and sees JIM NEVINS and his date side by side in the coaster, both their arms raised as they enjoy the ride.) Nick: Now, that picture's worth five bucks. Sara: Last time stamp of the night was 12:45 A.M. Coroner placed Nevins' T.O.D at 1:00 A.M. Nick: We need to find that girl. [SCENE_BREAK] [VARIOUS CLOSE-UP FLASHES OF THE WOMAN IN THE PHOTO] [EXT. MINI-MART - PARKING LOT - DAY] (CATHERINE gets out of the car. WARRICK is already there.) Catherine: Hey. Warrick: Hey. Catherine: Got your page. What's up? Warrick: Tessa Press took the bus to and from school, not far from here. Catherine: Mm-hmm. Warrick: I showed her picture to the mini-mart manager. She remembers seeing her the day that she was killed. (CATHERINE looks around and sees a lot of kids there hanging out after school.) Catherine: Wow. This place is crawling with kids. She remembers her? Warrick: She says she came in every afternoon and bought a little Debbie and a soda. Catherine: Have we tracked down her friend, Carrie? Warrick: Officer Ray did speak with Carrie and her parents, and they confirmed that Tessa sleeps at least two nights a week over their place. Catherine: And was she supposed to sleep over the day that she was killed? Warrick: I don't think they had any kind of a schedule. She would just show up, and when she didn't, they'd assumed that she was at home. (CATHERINE sees the security camera. She points to it.) Catherine: Warrick. Warrick: I've already secured the footage. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - WALKWAY -- DAY] (GRISSOM and SARA walk through the park. SARA looks through the folder with the photos of the young woman on the ride while GRISSOM munches on a box of popcorn. She looks up and sees WOODY headed toward them.) Sara: Oh, roller coaster wacko at 12:00. Woody: I heard you were looking for someone. Sara: Sir, do you recognize this young woman? (She shows him the photo.) Woody: Oh, sure, it's Cleopatra. She works in food services. Second pyramid on the left. Grissom: Thank you, Woody. (GRISSOM and SARA head in that direction.) [VENDOR STAND] (GRISSOM and SARA reach the food stand.) Marc Anthony: Hey, can I help you? Sara: Actually, we're looking for Cleopatra. Marc Anthony: (points) She's on break. But can I get you anything? (They turn to look at the WOMAN sitting at the bench.) Sara: No, thanks. (They both leave the stand and walk over to the woman who is going through her text book. GRISSOM looks over her shoulder as SARA sits down.) Grissom: Quadratic equations? That's not easy. Lisa Hunt: Glad you think so. I have a "D" average. If I fail the final, my family's going to Hawaii without me. Sara: We're with the Crime Lab. We have some questions. (SARA shows her the photos.) Lisa Hunt: I had no idea those cameras worked at night. Grissom: Is your name really Cleopatra? Lisa Hunt: Lisa. Lisa Hunt. Sara: Lisa, you know your friend in this photograph is dead, right? Lisa Hunt: Right. Sara: You don't seem too upset about that. Lisa Hunt: D.L. on Jimmy Nevins: Four years ago, when I was a frosh and he was a senior, he was my Jordan Catalano. Know what I mean? But he didn't know my name. So four years later, when I started working here, he's still working here-- total loser, but still really hot -- so when he asked me out, there was only one answer: "When and where?" Sara: After hours at the roller coaster. Lisa Hunt: I know, I thought the same thing -- cheez whiz. But, I mean, what the hell? I'd never done it on a roller coaster. Sara: It was your first date. Lisa Hunt: (rolls her eyes) You sound like my mother. Oh, god, you're not going to tell her, are you? I just turned eighteen. There is nothing statutory about it, I swear. Grissom: Lisa, we need to know what the two of you did when you got off the ride. Lisa Hunt: We talked. I mean, not that he had much to say. He offered to drive me home, but I only live a few blocks from here, so I told him I'd huff it. Mm, we kissed - way too much slobber. And that was it. Sara: Was there anyone else around? Lisa Hunt: (shakes her head) I-I didn't see anybody, but I wasn't really looking. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB] (WARRICK looks through the security camera footage from the mini-mart. CATHERINE walks into the room and joins him.) Warrick: I found Tessa. (On the screen, they watch as a young boy grabs TESSA by the hand and pull her toward the car.) Catherine: Yeah, you're not the only one. Warrick: Yeah. (On the monitor, they both walk off screen.) Catherine: Can you enlarge it? (WARRICK blocks and enlarges the photo of HENRY with TESSA.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (CATHERINE shows the photo to HENRY. She interviews HENRY while his mother sits and listens.) Henry: Yeah, that's me. Catherine: And who's that with you? Henry: Tessa Press. Catherine: You two were friends? Henry: (shrugs) We sat next to each other on the bus. Catherine: She was thirteen. How old are you? (HENRY'S eyes widen at the implication.) Henry's Mother: (interrupts) What's that supposed to mean? Henry: No, mom, it's okay. I-I'm 15. I felt sorry for her. The girls picked on her. Made fun of her frizzy hair, her old clothes. Stuff like that. She'd sit next to me, and they'd leave her alone. Catherine: In the photo, you're grabbing her arm. Henry: It wasn't like that. I just got my learner's permit. My mom was waiting in the car. We were just going to get slushies. I saw Tessa in the parking lot. (Quick flashback to: [MINI-MART-DAY] HENRY walks over to the mini-mart and sees TESSA standing outside.) Henry: Hey, Tessa. Hey. Tessa Press: Henry. Henry: You want a ride, just door to door? Tessa Press: No, that's okay. Henry: Oh, come on. You're not scared to drive with me, are you? (He grabs her arm playfully and pulls her toward the car.) Tessa Press: No, it's okay. I got it. (She pulls away and backs up.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Henry: She said she was getting a ride from someone else. Catherine: Did she say who? Henry: No. But when we pulled away, I saw her getting into a truck. I didn't see the driver. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY/TRACE LAB -- DAY] (SARA walks through the hallway when DAVID HODGES steps out, grabs her arm and tugs her into the trace lab.) David Hodges: (excited) I've got a question for you. What substance contains the following ingredients: Sorbitol, cetyl alcohol, isopropyl myristate, glyceryl, stearate, peg-100 stearate, petrolatum, benzylalcohol, titanium dioxide and purified water? Sara: Okay, I assume that you've identified the substance we found on the roller coaster track? David Hodges: Correct. It's doxepin ointment. (He chuckles.) David Hodges: Sounds Klingon, huh? Anyway, uh, it's prescribed by doctors to treat dermatological inflammations caused by contact with certain types of plants. Sara: Maybe whoever messed with the tracks transferred the ointment when they loosened the wheels. (Quick flashback to: A hand holding the pipe wrench reaches out under the platform. Camera focuses on the person's arm. End of flashback. Resume to present.) David Hodges: Your killer has a rash. Sara: And we need to catch it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (CATHERINE turns the hallway corner and sees WARRICK talking with someone. He sees her and waves her over. The WOMAN takes the folder and leaves.) Warrick: I've been looking for you. Catherine: What's up? Warrick: Hodges analyzed the trace from inside Tessa's wound. (He hands her the test results.) It seems it was zoodoo. Catherine: Come again. Warrick: Hoof stock. It's a combination of feces from rhinos, zebras, and bison. Catherine: You're kidding? Warrick: They say that the smell of wild animal crap keeps the deer away. Catherine: Who knew? Uh, so can we track the source of ... ? Warrick: There is a zoo in Auckland that exports it. And there's only one landscaping company in Clark County that imports it -- ADL. I contacted ADL, and guess what they told me? Couple of months back, they were hired by the victim's mother. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PRESS RESIDENCE -- DAY] (CATHERINE and an OFFICER exit their cars. CATHERINE is carrying a camera. She notices the sign on the truck: ADL LANDSCAPE.) Brown: Hmm. ADL landscaping. Must've been a big job -- she hired them months ago. (In the back of the truck is a partially opened bag of ZOODOO COMPOST.) Catherine: Zoodoo. (CATHERINE takes a picture of the bag.) [FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE knocks on the front door. RAINA PRESS opens the door, JUSTIN MACK is behind her. He's wearing a gray t-shirt with ADL LANDSCAPE on the front.) Catherine: Hello. Raina Press: Hi. I just left you a message. Any news? Honey, these guys are from the crime lab. (CATHERINE notices him. RAINA PRESS makes the introductions.) Justin Mack, my boyfriend. Justin Mack: How you doing? Warrick: Hey. Could I have a word with you outside for a moment? Justin Mack: Why? Warrick: Why not? (JUSTIN steps out of the house and follows WARRICK. RAINA PRESS watches him go with alarm, but she doesn't say anything. CATHERINE looks at her.) Catherine: May I? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PRESS RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (CATHERINE follows RAINA PRESS into the living room.) Raina Press: How can you be sure it was Justin's truck? Catherine: At this point, we're just following a lead. How long have you known Justin? Raina Press: Uh ... few months. Hired him to lay sod. Now we're in the midst of an outdoor overhaul. Catherine: And where's Tessa's father? Raina Press: L.A., maybe. I don't know. I haven't heard from him since the divorce. He'll find a way to blame me for this. [OUTSIDE - CONTINUOUS] (WARRICK questions JUSTIN MACK.) Justin Mack: You see, Raina said it was important for Tessa to take the bus to school. Said it helps build independence. But sometimes I'd pick her up at the bus stop, buy her an ice-cream cone, and drop her off here. Warrick: Did you pick her up that afternoon? Justin Mack: Look, I know there are a lot of whack-jobs in the world, and you're just doing your job, but watch it. Warrick: You mind if I take a look in the back of your truck? Justin Mack: Don't you need a warrant? Warrick: Only if you deny me access. (JUSTIN steps aside.) Justin Mack: Go ahead. Warrick: Thanks. [INSIDE THE HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS] Catherine: Have you ever left Tessa alone with Justin? Raina Press: Sure. He's over here all the time. He's a good man. He wouldn't hurt anybody, especially not Tessa. (She starts crying.) Damn, I keep expecting her to walk through that door. [OUTSIDE - CONTINUOUS] (WARRICK covers the back of the truck. He sprays the tools with luminol. The tip of the shovel glows with the presence of blood.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (WARRICK reads through a file.) Warrick: In 1988, your client was arrested for a drunk and disorderly. Your fingerprints were then entered into our database. They match the fingerprints that we found on this shovel. (He points to the shovel in the plastic bag on the table behind him.) (RAINA PRESS doesn't say anything.) Catherine: The blood on the blade matches your daughter's DNA. Lawyer (woman): My client is landscaping her backyard with her boyfriend. Explains her prints on his shovel. Warrick: They were the only prints on the shovel. Raina Press: Justin wears work gloves. Lawyer (woman): Which explains the absence of his prints. Warrick: That's possible. But your client's fingerprints provided a sufficient basis for a warrant to search her vehicle. (Quick flashback to: [BACK OF CAR] WARRICK sprays luminol on the back seat. It starts to glow.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: The choice of weapon and the manner of disposal suggest that this was not a premeditated murder. (He puts the shovel on the table.) Catherine: You can help yourself here. You can avoid murder one by telling us what set you off. Raina Press: You wouldn't understand. Catherine: Try me. Raina Press: I bought Tessa a bus pass, and that little slut still gets my guy to pick her up after school. Lawyer (woman): Raina ... Raina Press: Shut up! We all know why. Catherine: Why don't you tell us? Raina Press: She was trying to steal him from me. (Quick flashback to: [THAT AFTERNOON] RAINA watches grimly as JUSTIN'S truck turns into her driveway. TESSA gets out of the truck.) Tessa: Bye! Thanks, Justin! (She closes the truck door, adjusts her backpack and heads for the house.) Raina Press: What the hell were you doing with him? Tessa Press: Mom, he just gave me a ride home. Raina Press: You think you got him wrapped around your little finger? Tessa Press: He's just being nice, okay? Raina Press: Were you nice back? Tessa Press: Don't do this again, please! Raina Press: You don't talk to me like that, you little bitch. Tessa Press: Mom, you're being ridiculous. (TESSA turns and heads for the house.) Raina Press: Where the hell do you think you're going? (RAINA picks up the shovel.) I've given you everything. (She swings and hits TESSA on the back of her head. She falls.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Raina Press: Justin was the best thing in my life. Catherine: No. Your daughter was the best thing in your life. (CATHERINE stands up.) Raina Press: You didn't know her. Catherine: (scoffs) I know she was thirteen years old. A child. (CATHERINE leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (GRISSOM and SARA walk through the hallway. SARA fills GRISSOM in.) Sidle: I just got the court order from the pharmaceutical database. Fortunately, dioxipin isn't widely prescribed. FDA only approved it two years ago, and most dermatologists don't even know what it is. Grissom: How many names on the list? Sara: Well, in Clark County, twelve prescriptions were filled. I cross-referenced them with the employees from the park, and I got a hit. You want a clue? Her death ended the Ptolemy dynasty's reign in ancient Egypt, hence making her the last pharaoh. Grissom: Ah, the lovely Cleopatra. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (GRISSOM and SARA interview LISA HUNT. Her lawyer sits next to her.) Lisa Hunt: I had a rash. So what? That's not a crime. Lawyer (man): I read the court order. Uh, you found trace amounts of some ointment on the roller coaster tracks? Is that the only reason for this conversation? Grissom: Your client had a prescription for doxepin. May we see your arms, please? Lisa Hunt: Rash was on my legs. Went away days ago. You want to see? Sara: Uh, that's okay. Lawyer (man): Unless you want to argue that my client stood on her head and held a wrench in her toes, we're done here. Grissom: Do you know how you contracted the rash, Lisa? Lisa Hunt: Best guess, I was getting some help with my homework. We were studying outside on the grass. Took a break, went for a walk. I think I brushed up against something. Sara: Who's "we"? Lisa Hunt: My math tutor. Sara: And what's his name? Lisa Hunt: Zack Lawrence. Grissom: Do you know if he contracted the rash, as well? Lisa Hunt: Yeah. Actually, I gave him some of my ointment. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - CAROUSEL -- NIGHT] (BRASS and SARA walk up to ZACK LAWRENCE standing on the carousel.) Brass: Hey, Zack. Zack Lawrence: Oh, hey, guys. Brass: We spoke with Lisa. She said she gave you some ointment for some nasty rash you have. Zack Lawrence: Yeah, yeah. Sara: You know, it's illegal to use someone else's prescription medications. Zack Lawrence: Is that why you guys are here? Brass: Not exactly. Zack Lawrence: Um, you guys mind if we talk about this somewhere else? Brass: Hey, good idea. Why don't we go downtown? We can talk there. (ZACK LAWRENCE leaves his broom and steps off the carousel.) Brass: Come on. Come on. ZACK LAWRENCE. All right. (SARA stands there thinking a moment. BRASS turns to look at her.) Brass: You coming? Sara: You know, I'm going to catch up. Brass: Okay. (SARA steps up onto the carousel, puts her kit down, takes out a pair of gloves and dusts the broom handle for fingerprints.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT] (SARA and GRISSOM interview ZACK LAWRENCE as his lawyer sits next to him. He shows them his arm.) Zack Lawrence: Yeah, it's, uh, just a little bit of a rash. It's really no big deal. Grissom: Zack, what do you have against roller coasters? Zack Lawrence: What do ... ? I-I don't understand. Sara: This a fingerprint analysis. (She shows him the report.) Zack, I lifted some fingerprints off your broom back at the park. Turns out, they're a match to prints that we lifted off of Jim Nevins' T-Bird and the wrench that was used to kill him. Lawyer (man): Circumstantial evidence at best. Sara: I also talked to your school principal. You're a straight "A" student, mathalete. Science team. You had a full ride to Stanford next year. You don't sound like the kind of kid that would mess with a roller coaster just for kicks. Grissom: You're a smart guy, Zack. So, uh ... let's talk this out, logically. According to your previous statement, when you locked up on Thursday night, Jim Nevins' car was the only one in the parking lot, right? Zack Lawrence: Yes, sir, that's correct. Grissom: And you knew he was staying in the park to ride the roller coaster. Zack Lawrence: I don't care about Jim Nevins. Sara: What about Lisa Hunt? You tutor her, right? Did Lisa tell you that she had a date with Jim? Zack Lawrence: No, she didn't say anything. It was all over the park. Jim was going to take Lisa on one of his coaster dates. I asked her about it. She said it was a rumor. Sara: It seems to matter to you that she had a date with Jim. Zack Lawrence: Lady, I make $20 an hour tutoring. Why do you think I'd take minimum wage at the Sphinx? Sara: I'm thinking, you want Lisa to see you away from the textbooks. Zack Lawrence: We started hanging out at breaks. Having dinner. And then last week, after tutoring, we went for a walk. And she grabbed my hand. Grissom: Did you think that meant something? Zack Lawrence: Of course. Grissom: But ... you didn't trust her. Zack Lawrence: No. I wanted to. (Quick flashback to: [ROLLER COASTER] ZACK stands on the ground and watches LISA on the roller coaster with JIMMY. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: You tampered with the screws. If she wasn't lying, she wouldn't be on the roller coaster. No harm, no foul. Zack Lawrence: Oh, but you see, she was lying. Grissom: Uh-huh. But you didn't loosen the wheels enough, did you? Lawyer (man): Don't answer that. Grissom: So when the roller coaster didn't derail, you took things into your own hands. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] ZACK LAWRENCE waits outside as JIMMY and LISA kiss and make their way off of the ride. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Lisa walked home. Jim walked over to his car. (Quick flashback to: ZACK attacks JIM and knocks him over the back of the head with the wrench. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: What I don't understand is why you didn't go back and fix the roller coaster. Zack Lawrence: Guess I just didn't think about it. Sara: You'll be thinking about it now. And for the rest of your life. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SPHINX AMUSEMENT PARK -- DAY] (The OFFICERS remove the crime scene tape and open the ride.) Worker: All right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Pharaoh's Fever. Buckle up. Get ready to scream. [VENDOR - CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM and WOODY sit at the vendor's booth sipping from their drinks.) Woody: I should have caught those loose screws. Used to check 'em every morning, but since management cut back on my hours ... Grissom: You're not to blame for this, Woody. Woody: Oh, I just hope they don't blame the coaster. It may not be the Manhattan Express at New York, New York or the Desperado in Primm, but it-it ... it still makes grown men scream. Grissom: My first week in Vegas, I road the Desperado. Woody: My first coaster marathon. I rode that monster for a week straight. Grissom: Hmm. The steel phantom, Kennywood Park, Pennsylvania -- I actually hold the marathon record there. Woody: Uh, uh. My-my favorite's still the, um, King's Island. The Beast. Grissom: Mm. I presented a paper at an entomology convention in Cincinnati just so I could ride Son of Beast. Head over heels on a wooden track. Woody: Ah. So, you prefer wood over steel? Grissom: No. Not really. For me, it's not about the track. (smiles) It's about the thrill. (The riders on the roller coaster scream as it swoops down the track.)

Plan: A: A roller coaster; Q: What runs off its track? A: six people; Q: How many people died in the roller coaster accident? A: The CSI team; Q: Who investigates the roller coaster accident? A: One; Q: How many deaths were not what they seemed? A: an unexpected direction; Q: What direction does the case take? A: Warrick; Q: Who is Catherine's partner in the investigation of the 13-year old girl's death? A: whose body; Q: What was dumped outside of town? Summary: A roller coaster runs off its track, leaving six people dead. The CSI team investigates whether this was an accident or foul play. One of the deaths, however, is not what it seems, and this takes the case in an unexpected direction. Meanwhile, Catherine and Warrick investigate the death of a 13-year old girl whose body was dumped unceremoniously outside town.

In the journalism office (Ellie's writing her article on Craig when Jesse walks in.) Jesse: A day in the life of Craig Manning. Ouch. That's your title? Ellie: Encouraging as always, boss-man. (He kisses her forehead.) Jesse: Would have thought writing about Craig would have came easy to you. Ellie: Not this morning. Not after I found a baggie of coke on his bedroom floor. Jesse: Colour me not surprised. I had a feeling he was doing some rounds. Ellie: What? Hold on. Those drugs weren't Craig's. They belong to his girlfriend, Tweedle Dum. Jesse: Oh well me thinks Tweedle Dum has been sharing her stash with Tweedle Dee, I.E. Craig. Ellie: I.E. shut up. Craig does not do coke. Jesse: You know this for a fact? Ellie: No I don't, but what I do know is that I have to keep him away from Manny. Long enough to make him realize that she's a toxic influence. Jesse: I have a new job for you and for this one, you owe me. Taking Back Sunday are in town and guess who's interviewing them today? Ellie: Jesse you're the best! (She kisses him when Craig walks in.) Ellie: Hey Mr. Manning uh you're right on time. Ready for your big interview? Craig: Actually I don't know if I can right now. I got to go clean out Joey's garage. Ellie: Oh I'll come with. I can help. Jesse: Uh frosh you do have the Taking Back Sunday interview today and it's way more important than this whole Craig thing. Ellie: Both are important. Both will get done. Will not disappoint, promise. (She kisses Jesse and her and Craig leave.) In Joey's garage, Ellie is interviewing Craig <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--> <!--[endif]--> Ellie: So I've been listening to your demo. There's a recurring theme of home. Something you're preoccupied with? Craig: Nah when you're a musician, home is wherever your guitar is. Ellie: Okay, but that's funny 'cause you left your guitar here. Craig: I left a lot of things here. A lot of people. I always thought when I come back they'll all be waiting, you know? With big open arms and a smile. Ellie: And are they? Craig: Nope. Joey's selling this place and moving to Calgary. All my old friends have moved on and you- Ellie: Oh I'm here. Craig: No not really. You're busy. You've got uh you know university, journalism, Jesse. Ellie: Yeah, but I'm still here Craig and I always will be. (Ellie gets a text message saying "Taking Back Sunday r waiting".) Ellie: Ugh I have to go. Craig: Interview's over? Ellie: No. Um come with me. You can meet the band. It'll be fun. (Ellie grabs his hand and they leave.) Outside Danny: So I'm thinking of changing my name. What do you think of LL Cool D? It stands for Ladies Love Cool Danny. Derek: If anyone deserves that name, it's me. Toby: Based on what, your fantasy life? Derek: Hey I dated Emma Nelson. Danny: Dude that was a blind date. Johnny: What's that stench? The losers from Degrassi. Nic: Listen up dorks. Lakehurst has declared war on your school. Derek: Why? Nic: Ask your friend, the mascot. JT Yorke. Toby: You know his name? Johnny Friend of yours? Nic: Well you tell JT we're gonna stomp his ass. Garbage man: Hey! What's going on? Nic: Let's go. (They all leave.) At the club Ellie: So sorry I'm late, hi, hi. Hi, Ellie Nash, friendly neighbourhood music critic. Adam: Hi I'm Adam, your friendly neighbourhood singer. And I don't know, the band, we got let's see Fred, Mark, Ed and Matt. Ellie: Hey guys. Nice to meet you. Adam: So your editor's been raving about you. He said you're his best writer. Jesse: I said you weren't my worst writer. Say Craig why don't you go get a coffee, let Ellie do her interview, okay? Craig: Sure. I'm gonna get going now. I'll go see what Manny's up to. Ellie: Um wait Craig I, I want you to meet the band. Guys this is Craig Manning, local singer/songwriter extraordinaire. Adam: Hey, Adam. Craig: Hey it's great to meet you guys. MakeDamnSure is one of my favs. Actually I even uh do it in my set. Real different version, stripped down, acoustic. Adam: Oh I wouldn't mind hearing that. Craig: Right now? Adam: Yeah um you wanna grab a guitar? Jesse: Sorry to interrupt guys, but uh Ellie we do have a deadline so... Ellie: There's always time for a song though, right? Come on. (Jesse gives her a disapproving look.) In the cafeteria (JT is tickling Mia and they're laughing.) Toby: Hope you're enjoying that burrito JT. It's gonna be your last. JT: What, are they taking these bad boys off the menu? Toby: No, but Lakehurst is gonna take you off the menu. The menu of life. Danny: We kind of got beat up this morning by Nic and the Lakehurst crew. Derek: Nic's declared war on Degrassi. Toby: Specifically on you. JT: Why? Why me? Was it because of that stupid basketball brawl? That was nothing. Mia: It's not because of the brawl. It's because you're dating me. Let's just say Nic's the jealous type. JT: That psycho is your ex? Toby: Oh so now it makes sense. This is about you, Mia. You're gonna get us all killed. JT: Oh yeah Toby, way to make her feel good. Toby: I'm sorry I just have this neurotic aversion to being murdered! JT: Lakehurst is not gonna hurt anybody. I'm gonna handle it. Toby: Oh yeah and what are you going to do? Tickle them to death? At the club Ellie: So how's the tour going? Matt: Great. Great except for when Adam hit me in the head with a microphone, but that's another story. Manager: Alright guys we got to go record station ID. Jesse: Woah, woah, woah. She hasn't interviewed Adam yet. Manager: Oh sorry we're out of time. Jesse: See you back at the office frosh. (Jesse leaves and Craig walks over to her.) Craig: So get this, the band has a break in their set tomorrow night. Guess who Adam invited to sing for the crowd? Ellie: Craig that's amazing. Craig: This could be huge for my career Ellie and it's all thanks to you. You're, you're awesome. I got to go. Ellie: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Wait, what about our interview? Craig: Come on I got to go see Manny. I got to tell her the good news. At Lakehurst, outside of detention Johnny: Bout time. Nic: Let's go. (They start to leave when JT shows up.) Nic: You got a lot of nerve showing up at our school. JT: Whatever. Is this stupid war about me dating your ex? Nic: I don't care about Mia. She's just a dumb slut. (JT takes a step forward angrily.) Nic: Easy mascot boy. JT: You want a war, you got it. Meet me in the tunnel tomorrow at 5. Nic: Mind if I bring my friends? JT: No because I'll bring mine. Nic: Oh the chess club? I'm scared. At the university Ellie: Sorry...about bringing Craig to the interview. It was unprofessional. Jesse: That's okay. Where is Craig anyway? Thought you'd be interviewing him. Ellie: He bailed on me. Went off to party with little miss Manny. Jesse: Probably jonesing for coke. Ellie: Nice. Jesse: Look my best friend used to be an addict, okay? I can see the signs pretty clearly. Ellie: You can't see anything clearly. Not when it comes to Craig. Jealous much? Jesse: I'm not jealous of some failed singer/songwriter loser that you're still crushing on. It's pathetic. Ellie: That is wrong on so many levels. Jesse: You know what's really wrong? The fact that Craig keeps crapping on you and you keep going back for more. At Marco and Ellie's (Craig and Manny are making out when Manny pulls away.) Manny: Hey why don't we go out tonight? See a movie, grab a bite? Craig: Or we could stay in 'cause I happen to have some party favours. Manny: You know after we did that last night, I felt sick. Horrible. I never want to do it again. Craig: Cool. That's your choice. Manny: Baby. Craig: Look this has been one of the best one or two days of my life. Don't ruin it. (Manny gets up to leave.) Craig: What are you doing? Manny: I'm about to ruin one of the best one or two days of your life. I'm dumping your ass Craig. Bye. (She leaves and Craig keeps preparing a line of coke.) Downstairs at Marco and Ellie's Manny: Ellie just the girl I wanted to see. I have a present for you. Me and Craig just broke up. Ellie: What? Manny: Yeah he has a little bit of a drug problem if you haven't noticed. Ellie: I think you have that the wrong way around. I found your loot bag and I know the coke was yours. Craig told me. Manny: Craig lied. That's what drug addicts do Ellie. Good luck with him. (She leaves and Ellie goes upstairs.) Ellie: Question of the evening: Who's more pathetic, you for lying to me about the drugs or me for believing you? Craig: Is that a trick question? Ellie: This is funny? (She starts to leave.) Craig: Don't be mad, please. Ellie: Just tell me the truth for once. Craig: Okay. I, I started in Vancouver, but I'm not an addict. Ellie: Drug cliché number 1. Craig: I can stop Ellie. Anytime I want. Ellie: Drug cliché number 2. Craig: Look what do you want me to say? That I've got a problem? Yeah I have a problem. Great I said it. What now? Ellie: You used to come to group therapy with me, remember? Dr. Kenrick is great. He can help you, so just come tomorrow, okay? Craig: If you promise to stop being mad at me. [SCENE_BREAK] In the foyer (Danny and Derek are handing out flyers about the fight.) Danny: Rumble today at 5. Don't miss out on the Lakehurst ass-kicking action. JT: What are you guys crazy? Don't advertise it. Danny: You said we had to form a posse. Derek: Yeah I got a couple guys on the basketball team. They'll probably back us up. JT: Oh good. Jimmy: Hey I heard you guys are organizing some battle against Lakehurst? JT: Uh yeah. You in? Jimmy: Sure. I'll roll over their feet with my chair. No I'm not in. Spinner: Yeah, me neither 'cause this is a seriously bad idea. Jimmy: Look violence is a vicious cycle. You guys are gonna make a situation go from bad to worse. Danny: Whatever Buddha-licious. Go pick a flower. We're gonna kick some ass. (They all leave except for Toby.) Toby: This isn't like you JT. I thought you'd be smarter than this. JT: Well I thought that you'd offer to join me. Toby: I'm not gonna fight Lakehurst. You're being an idiot. JT: You're being a coward. Some best friend. At Ellie's group meeting Ellie: Can we wait just a little longer? Dr. Kenrick: I'm sorry Ellie. Let's get started. The door please. (The meeting is going on and Craig arrives, but stops and leaves before anyone sees him.) At the tunnel Mia: JT. JT: Mia. What are you doing here? (She holds up a flyer.) Mia: Not only is this really stupid, it's incredibly immature. JT: No it's not. I'm being a man Mia. This is, this is how men handle things. Mia: I broke up with Nic for a reason, JT. If you do this, it makes you no different than him. JT: Okay. Everybody let's go home. Outside Degrassi Nic: Hey Degrassi nerd. Toby: What are you guys doing here? Nic: Your friends didn't show. (Toby tries to leave and Nic grabs him.) Nic: Where are you going?! (They all start beating him up.) At the concert, Taking Back Sunday is performing (Ellie shows up looking for Craig and goes backstage.) Craig: Ellie hi. About group therapy, listen uh something came up. (She starts going through all of Craig's stuff.) Craig: Hey! Hey what are you doing? (She pulls out the coke.) Ellie: Either you stop now or I call Joey and tell him about this and this, this will all end. The touring, the music career, finished. Craig: Come on. Why would you do that to me? Just leave me alone, alright? Ellie: I can't. Craig: Why not? Ellie: Because. Craig: Because why? Ellie: You know why Craig. Um you know, so don't make me say it. (Craig and Ellie start kissing.) Craig: I love you Ellie. Ellie: I love you too. Craig: So don't make me stop. Please. I need it. Don't call Joey. Ellie: You b*st*rd. How could, how could you play with me like that? Craig: Ellie I'm, I'm sorry. What do you want me to say? Ellie: Nothing. It's all gonna be lies. You'll say whatever it takes to get your hands on this, won't you?! God! (She leaves and Craig starts preparing a line.) Announcer: We'll be back up in a minute to finish, but before that stick around and I think you're gonna like it. So ladies and gentlemen please welcome Craig Manning. Craig: Hey. Uh here's a song I wrote a while back when I first left Toronto for Vancouver. It's called Drowning. Craig: (Singing) I fly too close to the sun. I chase the whale on the run, but I am...I'm jumping from mountains and I'm jumping from skies. I try to realize my size. (His nose starts to bleed and the crowd all notices.) Craig: (Singing) What you say when you're me. What you feel when you see. (He realizes his nose is bleeding and stops singing.) In the hallway, Toby has a neck and an arm brace Emma: How could they do this to you? Manny: If there's anything you need, let us know, okay Toby-Tobes? Toby: I think you girls have done enough. (Manny kisses Toby on the cheek and Emma hands him his bag.) Toby: Thanks. JT: Hey Tobes, here. (JT takes his bag from him.) Toby: Thanks. JT: Look I'm so sorry. Toby: It's okay JT. JT: No it's not. Toby: Well you know, look at the bright side. Maybe, maybe it's over. Maybe beating someone up is all they ever wanted. JT: Well maybe, but you know what, I don't care. They're gonna pay for what they did to you. Toby: Look violence for violence only leads to the deepening of the darkness in the deepest dark...wait that didn't come out right. Look just promise me you'll let this go. Promise me JT. <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--> <!--[endif]--> JT: Okay. Promise. (JT pats Toby on the shoulder who is in pain.) JT: Oh sorry. At the airport Ellie: You're on the 11AM to Calgary. Joey's waiting for you at the airport. Craig: I guess you're here to make sure I get on the plane, right? Ellie: No um Mr. Simpson is. I'm leaving. (Ellie starts to leave, but Craig stops her and she starts to cry.) Craig: Ellie I know I messed up, badly, but I am glad for one thing. I was finally able to be honest with you. I meant what I said and I felt that way for a long time. Ellie: No just don't. Don't, just...it's beside the point. You need help. Craig: I know. I know. I'm going to the rehab or whatever, but when I get out maybe we could... Ellie: Goodbye Craig. Scenes for next week Voiceover: School rivals- Nic: Lakehurst has declared war on your school. Voiceover: -come to a head. JT: You want a war, you got it! Emma: The house is ours for the entire weekend. We can do whatever. Manny: We should have a party! Danny and Derek: Party tonight! Emma: Promise it won't get too crazy. Manny: I promise. Voiceover: But things get out of hand. Toby: Oh great. It's them. Voiceover: Degrassi loses one of its own. (Liberty is crying and holding JT covered in blood.) Lakehurst thug: What the hell did you do? (Manny is shown crying.)

Plan: A: Ellie; Q: Who blames Manny for Craig's drug addiction? A: The Degrassi/Lakehurst school; Q: What school is the Lakehurst gang from? A: The Degrassi/Lakehurst school rivalry; Q: What is heating up? A: Mia; Q: Who is J.T. dating? Summary: Ellie blames Manny for Craig's drug addiction, even though everyone else can see that he is lying. The Degrassi/Lakehurst school rivalry is heating up, and the Lakehurst gang are out to get J.T. for dating Mia, who used to date one of their gang members.

Prologue: A Sunnydale park at night. Buffy slowly strolls along the perimeter and into an area surrounded by bushes. She hears a rustling sound coming from the bush directly in front of her, and stops instantly, her gaze fixed on the shaking branches. She pulls out her stake and gets ready to fight, when suddenly she hears a voice to her left. Joyce: Is it a vampire? Buffy snaps her head to the left and sees her mother walk toward her carrying a bag in one hand and a large thermos in the other. Buffy: Mom, what are you doing here? Joyce: (holds up the bag and thermos) I brought you a snack. I thought it was about time for me to come out and watch. Y-you know, the slaying. Buffy: You know, the slaying is kind of an alone thing. Joyce: But it's such a big part of your life, and I'd like to understand it. It's, um, you know, something we could share. Buffy: A-actually, it's pretty dull, you know, it's (distracted) bam boom stick... poof. Her attention is back on the rustling bush, and she nudges her mother to the side a bit. Suddenly a vampire jumps out at her and runs straight for her. She ducks as the vampire lunges at her with his arms outstretched. She gets back up and delivers a right hook to his face followed by a backhand punch on the backswing and a left to the face, making him take a step back. Her mother cheers her on. Joyce: Good, honey! Kill him! Buffy does an out-to-in crescent kick, which he easily ducks. She tries to punch him in the face again, but he grabs onto her shoulders and rolls onto his back, sending her rolling over him and onto her back. She lets out a pained grunt and looks around to get her bearings. Joyce: (points) Buffy, he-he's over here! The vampire faces her and roars. Joyce: Oh, my God! It's Mr. Sanderson from the bank! He comes at Buffy with a front snap kick, which she low blocks. He tries to punch her, but she ducks it. Buffy does a half spinning in-to-out crescent kick followed swiftly by a leg sweep, knocking the vampire's legs out from under him. She stands back up and gets ready to punch him, but he's had enough. He scrambles to his feet and hightails it out of there. Joyce: (points with the thermos) And he's getting away! Buffy gives her a stern look. Buffy: Stay! She runs off after the vampire. Joyce lets out a worried sigh and decides to walk the short distance over to the playground. There she sets down her bag and the thermos on a bench near the swings. She shivers a bit from the cold night air. She steps over to the concrete border between the grass and the sand of the playground and notices a toy pickup truck that was left behind in a small puddle. She picks it up and smiles as she looks it over. Then something catches her eye at the other side of the playground. Cut to Buffy on the ground with the vampire bending over her. She grabs him and pulls him over and down onto the ground next to her. She scrambles to her knees and jams her stake home. The vampire explodes in a cloud of ashes. Cut to Joyce as she makes her way over to the carousel. When she's close enough to get a good look, she stops in horror, shocked at what she sees. Joyce: Oh, God. (takes a breath) Oh... Cut to a long shot of her with the carousel in the foreground. The body of a young boy lies dead on it, and next to it on the sand lies the body of a young girl. Joyce can't believe her eyes. Each of the children has one arm outstretched, and drawn in black on the palms of their hands is a triangle. It has a wide U-shaped symbol in the middle, with its ends extending out from the triangle and bending in a sharp arc at the tips. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The playground. Several police cars and a coroner's van have arrived, and the detectives are looking over the scene. No one has touched the bodies yet. The police photographer steps up to the carousel and takes aim at the young boy with his camera. A series of black-and-white photos follow. The boy's outstretched arm with the symbol on the palm of his hand. The girl from straight above with her outstretched arm. A close-up shot of the girl's face. A wide-angle shot of both of the children from above. The boy from straight above with his outstretched arm. A close-up of the boy's hand with the symbol clearly visible. Sometime later, Buffy is finishing an interview with a police officer. She asks him if she and her mother can leave now. Police Officer #1: Yes, ma'am. Buffy walks over to her mother. The police bustle with activity around them. Police Officer #2: Alright, let's move here. Somebody pull that car out. Buffy: (reaches her mother) They said we can go home now. Joyce: (distraught) They were little kids. Did you see them? They're so tiny. Buffy: (sympathetically) I saw. Joyce: (shaking her head) Who could do something like this? I just... (looks down sadly) Buffy: I'm so sorry that you had to see this. But I promise, everything is gonna be okay. Joyce: How? Buffy: Because I'm gonna *find* whatever did it. Joyce: I guess. It's just you can't... you can't make it right. Buffy hugs her mother closely. Joyce begins to sob. Buffy: (comfortingly) I know. I'm sorry. But I'll take care of everything. I promise. Just try and calm down. Cut to the library the next morning. Buffy looks up at Giles standing at the top of the stairs to the book stacks. Buffy: (upset) Don't tell me to calm down! Giles: (taken aback) I-I-I only meant... Buffy: They were kids, Giles. Little kids! You don't know what it was like to see them there. My mom can't even talk. Giles: (takes a few steps down) I'm sorry. I... I just want to help. Buffy: (calms a bit) I know. Giles comes down the rest of the way and goes over to the center table. Buffy follows and leans against the back of a chair. Giles: Do we know how? Uh... It wasn't a vampire? (sits on the table) Buffy: No. There were no marks. Giles lifts his mug for a sip of his tea, but stops as Buffy continues. Buffy: Wait. I-I mean, there, there was a mark, um, a-a symbol. She steps around the chair, grabs a pen from the table and sits to draw it. Giles hurriedly sets down his mug and quickly reaches over to stop Buffy before she can deface the parchments lying there in front of her. Giles: Oh, uh, 12th century, Papal Encyclical. Write on this. He gently picks up the parchments and nudges a spiral notebook over to her. Buffy flips the notebook to a blank page and draws as Giles sets down the parchments and picks up his mug again. Buffy: I-it was on their hands. The cops are keeping it quiet, but I got a good look at it. She pushes the drawing over for Giles to see. Buffy: There. Find me the thing that uses this symbol and point me at it. Giles: (thoughtfully) Hmm. Buffy: Hmm. What? Giles, speak. Giles: (torn from his reverie) What? Oh, sorry. Um, no, it... (picks up the notebook) I just wonder if we're looking for a thing. The use of a symbol o-o-on a victim like this suggests a, a ritual murder and a cult sacrifice by a group. Buffy: A group of... human beings? Someone with a soul did this? Giles: Yes, I'm afraid so. He goes over to the bookshelves behind the table and starts his research. Buffy: Okay. Then while you're looking for the meaning of that symbol thingy, could you also find a loophole in that 'Slayers don't kill people' rule? Giles looks back at her from his crouched position. Giles: Buffy, this is a dreadful crime, I know, (stands up) and you have every right to be upset, but... I-I wonder if you're not letting yourself get a shade, uh... more personal because of your mother's involvement. Buffy: (stands and faces him) Oh, it's *completely* personal. Giles, find me the people that did this. Please. Cut to the cafeteria. Oz and Xander are at the steam tables selecting their lunch. Oz reaches in, grabs a foil-wrapped burrito and sets it on his plate. Xander glances over at him. Xander: Hey. Oz: Hey. They move down the line to the fruit cocktail bowls and each takes one. Xander: (slightly nervous) So, a burrito. Oz: This is a burrito. Xander: Damn straight. They both take their trays and head for an empty table. Cut to them sitting and eating. Willow and Amy find them. Willow: Hi, Oz. Oz: Hey. Willow: Xander. Hi. Oz: Hey, Amy. Willow and Amy both sit. Amy has a huge smile on her face, pleased to show off her new short and darker hairstyle. Amy: Hi, guys. Xander: Hey, Amy. I like your new hair. Oz: (to Willow) I haven't see you all day. Where you been? Xander: (shaking his head defensively) Not with me. No, sir. Ask anyone. No. Oz looks over at him with his lips stretched tightly. Willow gives Xander a look and tries to give Oz a smile. The tension is very thick. Oz finally breaks it with a change of subject. Oz: So, Buffy's birthday is next week. Xander: (claps his hands and points at Oz) Ooh! Yeah. Good. I've been pondering gift options. Willow sees Buffy approaching. Willow: Shh. Xander: Oh, come on, we just got a topic here. Willow: Hi, Buffy. Xander: Buffy! (stands up) What's up? He offers her his chair. She takes it and sits while he grabs one from a neighboring table. Buffy: You guys didn't hear? Xander: Hear what? Buffy: A murder. Somebody killed two little kids. Willow: (shocked) Oh, no. Buffy: They were, like, seven or eight years old. My mom found the bodies during patrol last night. Amy: Oh, my God. Oz: Kids? Xander: Why was your mom there? Buffy: More bad. She picked last night, of all nights, for a surprise bonding visit. Willow: God, your mom would actually take the time to do that with you? Buffy shoots Willow a look. Willow: That really wasn't the point of the story, was it? Buffy: No. The point is, she's completely wigging. Her mother comes up behind her. Joyce: Who's wigging? Buffy snaps her head around, sees Joyce standing there and stands up. Buffy: (thinking quickly) Um... everyone. You know, 'cause of what happened. Joyce: Oh, it's so awful. I-I had bad dreams about it all night. Willow: Hi, Mrs. Summers. Joyce: (absently) Oh, hi, everybody. Xander: Hi. Amy: Hi, Mrs. Summers. Joyce: Buffy, have you talked to Mr. Giles yet about who could have done this? Buffy: Yeah. He, uh... He thinks it might be something ritual. A cult. Uh, he's still looking. In the meantime, we're gonna add to my patrol and, and, y'know, keep an eye out. Joyce: A cult. (jumps to a conclusion) Like witches. Willow coughs. Amy looks away. Willow: Sorry. Phlegm. Too much dairy. Joyce: Oh, I-I-I know you kids think that stuff's cool. Buffy told me you dabble. Willow: (nervously) Right. Absolutely. That's me. I'm a dabbler. Joyce: But anybody who could do this isn't cool. Anybody who could do this has to be a monster. It's... Buffy: (interrupts) You know what? Uh, would you guys excuse us for a little bit? Joyce: Uh, n-nice to see you. Buffy leads her out of the cafeteria. Xander: What a burn. I mean, Buff's mom was just starting to accept the whole Slayer thing, and now she's gonna be double-freaked. Willow: (smiles) Makes me grateful that my mom's not interested in my extra-curricular activities. Amy has to smile at that. Then Willow frowns. Willow: Or my *curricular* activities. Cut to the hall outside the cafeteria. Buffy and Joyce come into the hall and slowly start down it. Joyce: Are your friends gonna help with the investigation, too? Buffy: Mom, I really think... Maybe this isn't the best place to talk about this. Joyce: Are you embarrassed to be hanging out with your mother? I didn't hug you. They stop by the stairs. Buffy: No. It's just... This hall is about school, and you're about home. Mix them, my world dissolves. Joyce: It's just, I keep thinking about who could have done such a thing. I have to help. Buffy: Well, Giles can always use help in the library. Joyce: I called everybody I know in town. I told them about the dead children. They're all just as upset as I am. Buffy: (confused) You called everybody that you know? Joyce: And they called all their friends. And guess what? We're setting up a vigil, for tonight, for City Hall. The Mayor is even gonna be there. Now we are gonna get some action. (smiles) Buffy: (less than thrilled) Uh-huh. That's great. Uh... But you know what? A lot of times when we're working on stuff like this, we like to keep the number of people that know about it kind of... small. Joyce: (considers) Oh. Right. Well, I-I'm sure there won't be all that many people. Cut to City Hall. A large crowd has gathered in the main conference room. Many of them are holding up signs with pictures of the two children and the words "Never Again!" Buffy and Willow walk in and look around at the crowd. Buffy: This is great. Maybe we could all go patrolling together later. Willow: (gestures at Joyce) At least your mom's making an effort. My mom's probably... (notices) standing right in front of me right this second. Her mother sees them and comes up to them. Willow: Mom? Sheila: Willow, I-I didn't know you were going to be here. (to Buffy, absently) Oh, hi, Bunny. Buffy: Hi. Willow: Mom, what are you doing here? Sheila: Oh, well, I read about it in the paper, and what with your dad out of town... (notices, surprised) Willow, you cut off your hair! Huh. That's a new look. Willow: Yeah, it's just a sudden whim I had... in August. Sheila: (smiles) I like it. Joyce comes over to join them. Sheila reaches out to shake hands. Sheila: Hello, Joyce. Joyce: Sheila, I'm glad you could come. Giles also shows up. He keeps his hands in his pockets. Giles: There you are. I almost didn't find you in this crush. (notices Joyce) (nervously) Oh, uh, Mrs., uh... uh, Joyce. Quite a turnout you have here. Joyce: Oh, well, it's, it's not just me, but thank you. Well, it's, uh, it's been a while. Giles: (uneasy) Right. Not since, um... Not since... Not for a while. Sheila: There's a rumor going around, Mr. Giles. Giles: (suddenly worried) R-rumor, about us? Joyce shoots him a look of dismay. Giles gets the hint. Giles: A-a-about what? Sheila: About witches. (Willow and Buffy exchange a look) People calling themselves witches are responsible for this brutal crime. Giles: Indeed? How strange. Willow: (laughs nervously, trying to play it off) Yes! Strange! Witches. Sheila: (goes into lecture mode) Well, actually, not that strange. I recently co-authored a paper about the rise of mysticism among adolescents, and I was shocked at the statistical... She is interrupted by some electronic feedback when the Mayor tests the microphone as he steps up to the lectern. Sheila: Oh. Oh, a-are we starting? The Mayor clears his throat and sniffles. Joyce makes her way around behind everyone over to Buffy, who is frowning up at the Mayor. Mayor Wilkins: Hello, everybody. Joyce: (to Buffy, wispering) He'll do something about this. You'll see. Everyone settles down to listen to what the Mayor has to say. Mayor Wilkins: Um... I wanna thank you all for coming in the aftermath of such a tragic crime. Seeing you all here proves what a caring community Sunnydale is. Now, sure, we've had our share of misfortunes, but we're a good town with good people, and I know that none of us will rest easy until this horrible murder is solved. With that in mind... (picks up one of the signs) I make these words my pledge to you. (holds it up for everyone to see) 'Never again!' Now I ask you to give your attention to the woman who brought us all here tonight, Joyce Summers. He steps away as Joyce walks to the front of the room and steps up to the lectern. Joyce: Thank you. She considers her words for a moment before beginning. Joyce: Mr. Mayor, you're dead wrong. (people begin to murmur) This is *not* a good town. How many of us have, have lost someone who, who just disappeared? Or, or got skinned? Or suffered neck rupture? And how many of us have been too afraid to speak out? I-I was supposed to lead us in a moment of silence, but... silence is this town's disease. For too long we-we've been plagued by unnatural evils. This isn't our town anymore. It belongs to the monsters and, and the witches and the Slayers. Buffy looks at her mother in open-mouthed shock. She and Willow exchange a worried glance. Giles can't believe what he's hearing either. Joyce: I say it's time for the grownups to take Sunnydale back. I say we start by finding the people who did this and making them pay. The people in the crowd begin to applaud. Man: Hear, hear! Sheila claps her hands and looks around at the other people. A man nods his head in silent agreement. Buffy is too much in shock to do anything but stare at her mother. Cut to a panning shot of a Sunnydale residential area at night. The streets are quiet. Cut to Willow's house. The light from her room is clearly visible from the street. Cut inside. The camera is centered on a skull with a hole at the crest of the cranium. It is resting on a throw rug next to a burning candle. A hand reaches over the hole in the skull and drops in a short string of beads. The camera pans up to Michael, a witch draped in a black, hooded cloak. He folds his hands intertwining his fingers and glances up at another cloaked figure as it steps around him. The figure kneels to pick up the skull, and it's Amy. She stands back up and carries the skull around the rug to a position opposite Michael. The camera follows her, panning low across the rug, where there are other candles, cups of powders and potions, and a small cauldron. Amy sets down the skull and sits. She takes a cup of powder and hands it to a third figure, who takes it from her and pours the contents into the steaming liquid in the cauldron. The camera pans up to reveal the third figure as Willow, also cloaked in black. She stares silently down at the boiling mixture. Cut to a shot from above. The camera pulls up from the cauldron, taking in the array of things and the three witches around it, and continues until it's high enough to see the pattern in the center of the throw rug: a large triangle with a U-shaped symbol in the middle, its ends extending out of the triangle and bending in a sharp arc at the tips. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The hall at Sunnydale High. Michael has his locker open and checks his black makeup in the mirror stuck to the inside of the locker door. A group of guys comes up to him, and Roy, their leader, slams the locker door shut. Michael: Watch it. Roy: (smiling smugly) Oh, sorry. Did I make you smudge your eyeliner? Michael rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Roy: You gonna put a spell on me? Amy comes to Michael's defense. Amy: Hey, what is your problem? Roy grabs Michael by the shirt and slams him up against the lockers. Roy: Everyone knows he's into that voodoo witchcraft. (other students stare) I heard about those kids. People like him... (slams Michael again) gotta learn a lesson. Amy: And what about people like me? Roy: (threateningly) Get in my face and you'll find out. Buffy steps up behind Amy and gives him a smile. He notices her and suddenly thinks better of going any further. He lets Michael go and straightens his shirt a bit. Roy: No problem here. (nods to the other boys) We're walking. Buffy follows them for a few steps, then turns back to Michael and Amy. Buffy: You guys okay? Michael: Yeah. We're fine. (walks off) Amy: (smiles) Thanks, Buffy. (walks off) Buffy looks back down the hall to make sure the gang is still headed away. Giles comes around the corner, and Buffy starts toward him, but is headed off by Cordelia. Cordelia: You'll be one busy little Slayer, baby-sitting them. Buffy: I doubt they'll have any more trouble. Cordelia: I doubt your doubt. Everyone knows that witches killed those kids, and Amy is a witch. And Michael is whatever the boy of witch is, plus being the poster child for yuck. Buffy: Corde... Cordelia: (interrupts) If you're gonna hang with them, expect badness. 'Cause that's what you get when you hang with freaks and losers. Believe me, I know. She starts down the hall, but stops and turns back to Buffy. Cordelia: (smiling) That was a pointed comment about me hanging with you guys. (turns and leaves) Buffy: Yeah, I got that one. (loudly after her) Besides, witches didn't do it. (turns to Giles) Giles: (whispers) Actually, I think they may have. My research keeps bringing me back to European Wiccan covens. Buffy: You found the meaning of the symbol? Giles: (exhales) I'm pretty sure, yes. There's a, a piece of information I need that's in a book that Willow borrowed. Can you find it? He goes down the hall toward the library. Buffy looks around into the student lounge to see if Willow happens to be there. She sees Xander sitting on one of the couches and heads over to him. Xander: Buffy, hi. Buffy: Hey. Is Willow around? Xander: (exasperated) How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume because I'm here, she's here, that I somehow mysteriously know where she is. Buffy: (points) Those her books? Xander: Yeah. She's in the bathroom. (points) Buffy takes a step toward Willow's books, but stops as Xander continues. Xander: But the fact that I know that doesn't change that I have a genuine complaint here. Look. I'm getting sick of the judgment, the innuendoes. Is a man not innocent until proven guilty? Buffy: You *are* guilty. You got illicit smoochies, gonna have to pay the price. She tries again to go to Willow's books, but Xander isn't finished yet. Xander: But I'm talking about the future guilt. Look, everyone expects me to mess up again. Like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze... that pointed silence. Buffy: 'Cause he's usually such a chatterbox. This time she just goes to Willow's books and lets Xander talk. Xander: No, but it's different now. It's more a verbal nonverbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes. Buffy finds the book in question and picks it up. Underneath it is a spiral notebook. On the exposed page is the triangle symbol. Buffy picks it up and stares. Willow comes out of the bathroom and over to her. Willow: Hey, Buff. What cha looking for? You wanna borrow something? Buffy: (holds up the notebook) What is this? Willow: (takes and closes it) A doodle. I do doodle. You, too. You do doodle, too. Buffy: This is a witch symbol. Willow: Okay, yeah, it is. Buffy: Willow... Willow: (defensively) What? Buffy: That symbol was on the murdered children. Before they can get any further into it, they are distracted by the sounds of many lockers suddenly being slammed shut. They can hear a man talking. Police Officer #3: Please step back. Stay away from the lockers. This is police business. Buffy, Willow and Xander exchange alarmed looks. They all head into the hall to see what's going on. Cut to the hall. A police officer is going from locker to locker opening them with a master key. At another locker another officer takes some books from a student. Police Officer #4: Hand them over, please. The books. Yet another officer takes a string of garlic cloves from a locker and sets it on a cart with a bunch of other things they've confiscated. Principal Snyder stands in the hall, gloating as the police continue their search. Several officers keep the students at bay. A detective leads a boy away. Amy has joined the group as they watch all the activity. Xander: Aw, man, it's Nazi Germany, and I've got Playboys in my locker! Snyder: (smugly) This is a glorious day for principals everywhere. No pathetic whining about students' rights. Just a long row of lockers and a man with a key. An officer finds a voodoo doll in a locker. Oz: (to Willow, quietly) They just took three kids away. Buffy: What are they looking for? Amy: Witch stuff. Willow: (very worried) What? Amy: They got my spells. I'm supposed to report to Snyder's office. Willow: Oh, my God. An officer looks through a girl's purse. Another officer steps up to Amy. Police Officer #3: Okay, Amy. You'll have to come with me. Police Officer #4: (to some students) Stay away from the locker. Willow: (to Buffy, sick with worry) I have stuff in my locker. Henbane, hellebore, mandrake root. Xander: (interrupts) Excuse me. Playboys. Can we turn the sympathy (jerks his head) this way? One of the officers has reached Cordelia's locker and pulls out a can of hairspray. Cordelia: Hey! Get your grubby custodial hands off that. (tries to approach) Police Officer #4: (pushes her back) Miss, you have to stay back. Miss, stay back. Cordelia: That hair spray costs $45, and it's imported! Willow: (begins to freak out) Oh, God, my locker's next. Buffy, I didn't do anything wrong. An officer pulls some plastic bags from Willow's locker. Willow: The, the symbol is harmless. I used it to make a protection spell for you, for your birthday. With Michael and Amy. Only, now it's broken, because you know about it, so happy birthday, and please, you have to believe me! Snyder walks over to the group with the bags in hand. Snyder: Ms. Rosenberg. My office. He holds up the bags of henbane and mandrake root. Willow stares back at him, eyes wide with worry and fear. Buffy discreetly walks in front of her and takes Giles' book from her arms. Willow starts down the halls in front of Snyder. Oz accompanies her with his hand on her back in a gesture of comfort. Cut to the library. A police officer kicks open the cage door and strides out into the room with a stack of books in his hands. He carries them over to the table and drops them unceremoniously into a box. Another officer comes down from the stacks with another armful of books. Buffy comes into the library as still another officer walks out carrying one of the boxes. She heads straight for Giles, who watches helplessly. Buffy: Giles. Giles: They're confiscating my books. Buffy: Giles, we need those books. Giles: Believe me, I tried to tell that to the nice man with the big gun. They move to the side to talk. Giles watches the activity around him, seething with anger. Buffy: No. There's something about the symbol that we're missing. Willow said she used it in a protection spell. It's harmless. Not a big bad. So then why would it turn up in a ritual sacrifice? Giles: I don't know. Ordinarily, I would say let's widen our research. Buffy: Using what? A-a dictionary and 'My Friend Flicka'? She sets the book on the counter as Giles steps back into the room. Giles: This is intolerable. Snyder's interfered before, but I, I won't take this from that twisted little homunculus. Snyder walks into the library holding a cup of coffee. Snyder: (smirking) I love the smell of desperate librarian in the morning. Giles: (approaches him angrily) You get out! And take your marauders with you. Snyder: (unaffected) Oh, my. So fierce. (walks past him) I suppose I should hear you out. Just how is, um... (takes a book from an officer, reads the title) 'Blood Rites and Sacrifices' appropriate material for a public school library? Chess club branching out? (sips his coffee) Giles: This is not over. Snyder: Oh, I should say it's just beginning. Fight it if you want. Just remember, lift a finger against me, and you'll have to answer to MOO. Buffy: (incredulous) Answer to MOO? Did that sentence just make some sense that I'm not in on? Snyder: 'Mothers Opposed to the Occult.' A powerful new group. (sips his coffee) Buffy: And who came up with that lame name? Snyder: (heads out) That would be the founder. I believe you call her 'Mom'. Buffy can't believe it. Cut to Willow's house that night. She opens the door and goes in. In the living room she finds her mother looking over a bunch of her things taken from her room. Her mother notices her come in. Sheila: Oh, sit down, honey. Willow: (goes to the couch) Principal Snyder talk to you? (takes off her pack and sits) Sheila: Yes. He's quite concerned. (looks at an old picture) Willow: Mom, I know what this looks like, and I can totally... Sheila: (interrupts) Oh, you don't have to explain, honey. This isn't exactly a surprise. (turns over the picture) Willow: (fidgets, confused) Why not? Sheila: (shrugs) Oh, well, identification with mythical icons is perfectly typical of your age group. It's a, a classic adolescent response to the pressures of incipient adulthood. (set the picture down) Willow: Oh. Is that what it is? Sheila: (picks up a bag of herbs) Of course, I wish you could've identified with something a little less icky, (shrugs) but developmentally speaking... Willow: Mom, I'm not an age group. I'm me. Willow group. Sheila: Oh, honey... She puts down the bag and gets up to go over to her daughter. Sheila: I understand. (sits next to her) Willow: No, you don't. (faces her) Mom, this may be hard for you to accept, but I can do stuff. Nothing bad or dangerous, but I can do spells. Sheila: You think you can, and that's what concerns me. The delusions. Willow: Mom, how would you know what I can do? I mean, the last time we had a conversation over three minutes, it was about the patriarchal bias of the Mr. Rogers Show. Sheila: Well, (makes finger quotes) with King Friday lording it over all the lesser puppets... Willow: Mom, you're not paying attention. Sheila: And this is your way of trying to get it. Now, I have consulted with some of my colleagues, and they agree that this is a cry for discipline. You're grounded. Willow: (surprised) Grounded? This is the first time *ever* I've done something you don't like and I'm grounded? I'm supposed to mess up. I'm a teenager, remember? Sheila: You're upset, I hear you... Willow: (stands up) No, Ma, hear this! I'm a rebel! I'm having a rebellion! Sheila: (smiling) Willow, honey, you don't need to act out like this to prove your specialness. Willow: Mom, I'm not acting out. I'm a witch! I-I can make pencils float. And I can summon the four elements. Okay, two, but four soon. (her mother doesn't react) A-and I'm dating a musician. Sheila: (disgusted now) Oh, Willow! She gets up and goes back to the table of Willow's things. Willow follows her. Willow: (thickly sarcastic) I worship Beelzebub. I do his biddings. Do you see any goats around? No, because I sacrificed them. Sheila: (tired of it) Willow, please! Willow: All bow before Satan! Sheila: (leaves the room) I'm not listening to this. Willow: (follows her) (heavy on the sarcasm) Prince of Night, I summon you. Come fill me with your black, naughty evil. Sheila: (loudly) That's enough! Is that clear? Now, you will go to your room and stay there until I say otherwise. And we're gonna make some changes. (shakes her head) I don't want you hanging out with those friends of yours. It's clear where this little obsession came from. You will not speak to Bunny Summers again. Cut to Buffy's house. Joyce is at the dining room table surrounded by posters of the two children. She has a MOO button pinned to her blouse. Her laptop is open and a phone and fax sit nearby. The place is set up like a command center. Behind her is a whiteboard full of statistics. She speaks sternly to Buffy. Joyce: I don't want you seeing that Willow anymore. I've spoken with her mother. I had no idea her forays into the occult had gone so far. Buffy: (in disbelief) You're the one who ordered the raid on the school today. Joyce: (makes light off it) Honey, they opened a few lockers. Buffy: Lockers. First syllable, 'lock'. They're supposed to be private. And they took all of Giles' books away. Joyce: He'll get most of them back. MOO just wants to weed out the offensive material. Everything else will be returned to Mr. Giles soon. Buffy: If we're gonna solve this, we need those books now. Joyce: (very seriously) Sweetie, those books have no place in a public school library. Especially now. Any student can waltz in there and get all sorts of ideas. (gets up and steps over to Buffy) Do you understand how that terrifies me? Buffy: Mom, I hate that these people scared you so much. And I-I know that you're just trying to help, but you have to let me handle this. It's what I do. Joyce: But is it really? I mean, you patrol, you slay... Evil pops up, you undo it. A-a-and that's great! But is Sunnydale getting any better? Are they running out of vampires? Buffy: I don't think that you run out of... Joyce: It's not your fault. You don't have a plan. You just react to things. I-i-it's bound to be kind of fruitless. Buffy: (taken aback) Okay, maybe I don't have a plan. Lord knows I don't have lapel buttons... Joyce: (exasperated) Buffy. Buffy: ...and maybe next time that the world is getting sucked into Hell, I won't be able to stop it because the Anti-Hell-Sucking Book isn't on the approved reading list! Joyce: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put down... Buffy: Yeah, well, you did. (shakes her head) It doesn't matter. I have to go. I have to go on one of my pointless patrols and react to some vampires. If that's alright with MOO. She turns around and heads for the door. Joyce just watches her go. Buffy steps back into the room. Buffy: And nice acronym, Mom. (leaves) Joyce turns around and goes back to her chair, shaking her head. Joyce: Just trying to make things better. As she walks past the table the dead boy and girl are suddenly sitting there looking up at her. Boy: You are. Girl: There's bad people out there. Joyce looks at them sadly. Boy: And we can't sleep. Girl: Not until you hurt them. Boy: The way they hurt us. Joyce nods, knowing what she has to do. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The playground where the children were found. The carousel is bedecked with candles and flowers and pictures of the children. Buffy quietly walks up to it. She pulls her arms to her body for warmth. To her right she notices Angel approaching. Angel: Hey. Buffy: Hi. They embrace each other lovingly for a long moment. Buffy looks up into his face. Buffy: How are you? Angel: I'm alright. I think I'm better than you right now. They both look over at the carousel. Angel: I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to *me*. Buffy: It's strange. People die in Sunnydale all the time. I've never seen anything like this. They both stroll over to a bench. Angel: They were children. Innocent. It makes a difference. They sit facing each other. Buffy: And Mr. Sanderson from the bank had it coming? (sighs) My mom... said some things to me about being the Slayer. That it's fruitless. (shakes her head) No fruit for Buffy. Angel: She's wrong. Buffy: Is she? Is Sunnydale any better than when I first came here? Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad keeps coming back and getting stronger. Like that kid in the story, (gestures) the boy that stuck his finger in the duck. Angel: Dike. Buffy gives him a confused look. Angel smiles. Angel: It's another word for dam. Buffy: Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now. Angel: Buffy, you know, I'm still figuring things out. There's a lot I don't understand. But I do know it's important to keep fighting. I learned that from you. Buffy: But we never... Angel: We never win. Buffy: Not completely. Angel: We never will. That's not why we fight. We do it 'cause there's things worth fighting for. Those kids. Their parents. Buffy: (has an epiphany) Their parents. Angel: Look, I know it's not much. Buffy: No. No, it's a lot. Cut to the library. Giles is at the table trying to do some online research. He loses his connection. Giles: Session interrupted? (frustrated) Who said you could interrupt, you stupid, useless fad! No, I said fad. And I'll say it again. (types) Xander and Oz walk up to him. Xander: At that point, I will become frightened. Oz: Take heart. We found your books. Giles looks at them hopefully as the two boys go to stand behind him. Xander: You can put the heart back. We can't get them. They're locked up in City Hall. (teases) 'Frisky Watcher's chat room.' Why, Giles. (slaps his shoulder) Buffy comes striding into the library. She goes straight over to Giles. Xander: Oh! Buffy, Oz and I found out... Buffy: (ignores him) What do we know about these kids? Giles: What? Buffy: Facts. Details. Xander: Well, they were, uh, found in the park. Buffy: No. Where did they go to school? Who were their parents? What are their names? Giles takes off his glasses. None of the guys has answers for any of her questions. Buffy: We know everything about their deaths, but we don't even know their names. Xander: Well, sure we do. Um, it's on the tip of my tongue. Oz: (realizes) That never came up. Ever. Buffy: And if no one knows who they are, where did these pictures come from? Giles: (puts his glasses back on, stares at the screen) I just assumed someone had the details. I never really... Well, that is strange. Buffy: We need to get some information. Giles: (gets up) Yeah, well, somebody else do it. This thing's locked me out. Xander: Well, if you wouldn't yell at it. (gets a look from Giles) Oz: (takes Giles' place) I can look 'round, but Willow would really know the sites we need. Buffy: That's great. She can't even come to the phone. The wrath of MOO. Oz: (types) Well, we don't need a phone. Cut to Willow's room. She's lying on her bed idly toying with her teddy bear. Then she hears her laptop beep. She goes over to her desk and brings it back to the bed. Cut to the library. Oz: Alright, we're linked. If anybody's ID'd the kids, she'll pull it up and feed it here. Cut to Willow's room. She surfs the web, looking for any leads. Cut to the library. Oz does his part on his end and brings up the pages as Willow finds them. Giles reads the text from the screen. Giles: Oh. 'Two Children Found Dead. Mysterious Mark...' No. No. These children were found near Omaha in 1949. Xander: Yeah, they ain't ours. Keep going. Before Oz can move on the accompanying image loads from the 'Net. Buffy: Wait. Cut to Willow's room. She sees the same image loading on her screen and looks at it in surprise. Willow: Those are... Cut to the library. Buffy: ...the same kids. Giles: Fifty years ago. Oz loads up the next page. Oz: '1899. Utah... Two Children... Rural Community Torn Apart by Suspicion.' Giles: (confused) A hundred years ago? How is this possible? Oz: There's no mention of who they were. Buffy: They've never been seen alive, just dead. A lot. The next page loads. This one is dated 1649 and has a hand drawing of the two children. An Instant Message window pops up with a note from Willow. Oz: Ah. There were more articles. Every fifty years. All the same. Giles: (intrigued) From as far back as 1649. Can I see that? Oz surrenders his place to Giles. He types a bit, then reads the German and translates. Giles: Written by a cleric from a village near the Black Forest. He... found the bodies himself. Two children... Greta Strauss, age six. (types more) Hans Strauss, eight. Xander: So they have names. That's new. Cut to Willow's room. Her mother opens the door, and is upset to find her daughter online. Sheila: Willow. (steps over to the bed) I thought I made myself clear. You're not minding me. She folds down the screen and pulls out the phone line. Willow: Mom... Sheila: I see what you're doing. You're challenging me. But I will not have you communicating with your cyber-coven or what have you. Willow: (sits up) Coven? What happened to me being delusional and acting out? Sheila: Well, that was before I talked in depth with Ms. Summers and her associates. It seems I've been rather close-minded. Willow: So, you believe me? Sheila: (sighs) I believe you, dear. Now all I can do is let you go with love. Willow doesn't like the sound of that. Willow: Let me go? What does that mean? Her mother turns and walks out of the room without saying a word, pulling the door closed behind her and locking it from the outside. Willow: Mom? Cut to the Library. Giles paces while Oz keeps looking for more information on the web. Giles: Uh, wait, wait a minute. Uh... Uh, there is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents. Buffy: And in some language that's English? Oz: Fairy tales are real? Buffy: Hans and Gre... (her mind clicks) Hansel and Gretel? Xander: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house? Giles: Of course! Well, it makes sense now. Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place. Giles: (sits on the table) Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and, and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by, not by destroying men, but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes. Buffy: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch. Giles: And then she and probably dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history. It happened in Salem, not surprisingly. Xander: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm still spinning on this whole fairy tales are real thing. Giles stands and begins to pace again. Oz: So what do we do? Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans. He gets a confused look from Giles. Xander: No one else is seeing the funny here. Buffy: (goes to the counter) Giles, we need to talk to Mom. If she knows the truth, she can defuse the whole thing. (grabs her coat) Just then Michael comes running into the library with a slight limp. He's been beaten and bruised. He has a black eye and his face is bloody. Buffy: What happened? Xander and Oz come over to them. Michael: (out of breath) I was attacked! Xander: Officially not funny. Buffy: By whom? Michael: (hugging himself) My dad. His friends. They're taking people out of their homes. They're talking about a trial down at City Hall. They got Amy. Buffy: Michael, stay here and hide. Giles, we'll go find my mom. Oz gets Xander's attention. Oz: Willow! The two of them run out of the library. Giles grabs his coat. Michael: (calls after them) Tell Willow to get out of her house! Giles: (to Michael) Stay in my office. He and Buffy run out also. Michael goes to hide in Giles' office. Cut to Willow's room. She hears the door unlock and gets up from her bed. She runs over to the door as it opens. Willow: Mom, we really have to talk. There she sees her mother surrounded by several other adults. Sheila: It's time to go. Oh, and get your coat. It's chilly out. Willow: (very confused) Go? Go where? Sheila: (angrily) I said get your coat, witch! Willow slams the door on them. The adults start to pound at it. Willow desperately tries to keep them out. Cut to the living room at the Summers house. Several people are gathered there. Joyce interviews them about their activities. Joyce: Did you speak to the families on Sycamore Street? Woman: Yes, I did. Joyce: Great. She writes it down in her notebook. Buffy opens the front door and quickly enters. Giles is right behind her. Joyce looks up in surprise. Joyce: Buffy! Mr. Giles! Did something happen? Buffy: Mom, we need to talk to you. Now. Joyce: (puts down her notebook) Well, of course, honey. (to the others) Um, go on without me. (goes to Buffy) Buffy: No, we need to talk alone. They start into the dining room. Buffy: Look, there's more to this than... Suddenly Joyce holds a cloth up to Buffy's mouth and nose and two of the men there jump Giles from behind, wrestling him to the floor. Buffy quickly collapses to the floor, overcome by the fumes from the cloth. Joyce: (looking down at Buffy) You were right. (looks behind her) I-it was easy. There are the two children standing on the stairs. The boy is holding a bottle of chloroform in his hand. Gretel: I told you. Hansel: It gets even easier. Buffy isn't completely knocked out yet, and can hear the conversation. Gretel: But I'm still scared of the bad girls. Buffy's vision begins to blur. Hansel: You have to stop them. You have to make them go away. Forever. Buffy passes out. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The living room in the Rosenberg house. Oz and Xander run in. Oz: (yells) Willow! Oz runs for her room. Xander is right behind him. Cut to her room. The boys barge in and see that it's a shambles. It's clear there was quite a struggle. They waste no time running back out. Cut to City Hall. A crowd is gathered in a room. A few of them are bearing torches. They all calmly watch as two of them finish tying Willow and Amy to stakes. Sheila: Hold still. Be a good girl. Buffy is between Willow and Amy, unconscious and also tied to a stake. Piled all around them are the library books that MOO has deemed offensive, ready to burn in a glorious blaze. Willow: No! Why are you doing this to me? Mom? Sheila: There's no cure but the fire. Amy: (struggles against her ropes) Buffy! Wake up! Willow: This is crazy, Mom! Amy: Buffy! Buffy! Cut to the Summers house. Cordelia kneels over Giles and gives him a sharp slap to the face. Cordelia: Wake up! She slaps him two more times, and he begins to come out of it. She is about to slap again, when he suddenly reaches up and blocks her swing. Giles: Cordelia? Cordelia: Took you long enough to wake up. My hand hurts. Giles: Pity. (rubs his temples) Oh... Why are you here? Cordelia: Things are way out of control, Giles. First the thing at school, and then my mom confiscates all of my black clothes and scented candles. (Giles sits up) I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness and found you all unconscious... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? (Giles finds his glasses) I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma. Giles: (puts his glasses on) Wake up in a... Oh, never mind. (struggles to his feet) We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel. He heads for the front door. Cordelia follows him out. Cordelia: Now, let's be clear. The brain damage happened *before* I hit you. Cut to City Hall. Oz and Xander slam up against the doors and barge in. There they encounter four men guarding the doors to the room where the girls have been tied up. The two boys stop to face the men. Xander: What's with the grim? We're here to join you guys. They slowly approach the men, who eye them suspiciously. Xander: No, really. Why should you guys have all the fun? We wanna be part of the hate. Oz: Just so we're clear, you guys know you're nuts, right? The men lunge for the boys, who make a fast break and run down the hall. Cut to Buffy and Willow. Buffy begins to stir back to consciousness. Willow: Buffy! Buffy struggles against her bonds. Joyce: Good morning, sleepyhead. Buffy: (imploringly) Mom, you don't want this. Joyce: Since when does it matter what I want? I wanted a normal, happy daughter. Instead I got a Slayer. Sheila joins Joyce bearing a torch. Sheila: Torch. Joyce: (takes it) Thanks. This has been so trying. You've been such a champ. Sheila: Oh, you, too, Joyce. Joyce: We should stay close, have lunch. Sheila: Oh, I'd like that. How nice. Joyce bends down to set fire to the books. Amy: Oh, you can't be serious! Buffy: Mom, don't! Joyce touches the torch to the books, and they begin to burn. Others with torches set the books ablaze all around them. Amy: Alright. You wanna fry a witch? I'll give you a witch! Goddess Hecate, work thy will! Buffy: Uh-oh. Amy's eyes turn pitch black, and the energy of her spell begins to swirl around her. Amy: Before thee let the unclean thing crawl! She shivers as the spell's power increases around her, building ever greater strength. Finally, since she hasn't directed the spell at anyone else, it works on her. She is engulfed by a sudden burst of flame. People in the crowd scream as they watch. An instant later Amy's clothes are empty, and they and the ropes drop to the books below. Everyone stares in amazement. Buffy and Willow look over to see what happened to her. Then a rat comes crawling out of Amy's clothes. It scampers down the pile of books and scurries across the floor. The frightened adults jump out of its way. Buffy can only watch Amy go. Buffy: She couldn't do us first? Willow: (desperately) You've seen what we can do! Another step and you will all feel my power! Buffy: (quietly) What are you gonna do, float a pencil at 'em? Willow: It's a really big power! The people stare at them in shock and horror. Buffy: Yes! You will all be turned into vermin. And some of you will be fish! Yeah, you in the back will be fish! Man in the back: Maybe we should go. The children suddenly appear. Hansel: But you promised. Gretel: You have to kill the bad girls. Cut to Giles' car. He and Cordelia race to City Hall. Cordelia looks through the things Giles brought with them. Cordelia: (disgusted) I can't believe you had this stuff in your apartment. It smells foul. Giles: Shred the wolfsbane. That's the, uh, the leafy stuff. And then you can crush the satyrion root. (tries to remember a spell) Luften sie den something. Schlumer? Schluter? Cordelia: (crushing the roots) What are you muttering about? Giles: It's a part of an incantation. It's in German, and without my book... Cordelia: What does it mean? Giles: It's about, uh, lifting a veil. Um, it should, uh, make the demons appear in their true form, which with any luck, will, uh, negate their influence. And, uh, drop a toadstone into the mixture. Cordelia: (picks it up) This? (sniffs it) It doesn't look like a toad. Giles: No reason it should. It's from inside the toad. Cordelia: (quickly drops it in) I hate you. Cut to City Hall. Oz and Xander have lost the posse and are trying to find another way in. They each struggle with doors, but they are all locked. Oz: We gotta get inside. They look around for where to go next. Then they hear Willow cry out. Willow: No! Oh, God, help! Oz: Will? Xander: It sounds like she's right... above us? Oz hops up on a bench below a ventilation shaft grate. He bangs on it a couple of times and it gives way. He climbs in. Xander is right behind. Cut to a high view of the crowd from behind Buffy. The fires are getting bigger, but still haven't reached the girls. Hansel and Gretel stand at the front of the crowd as they watch the flames grow and advance. Gretel: They hurt us. Hansel: Burn them. Buffy: (desperately) Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math! Joyce: I'm sorry, Buffy. Buffy: Mom, look at me! You love me. You're not gonna be able to live with yourself if you do this! Joyce: You earned this. You toyed with unnatural forces. What kind of a mother would I be if I didn't punish you? Cut to the hall outside. Giles and Cordelia barge into the hall. Giles hears the noises coming from inside and rushes over to the doors, but finds them locked. He looks around in desperation, and unexpectedly reaches into Cordelia's hair and pulls out a hairpin. Cordelia: Ouch! You got hair with that! Giles ignores her protests and kneels down in from of the doors. He carefully inserts the pin into the lock and begins to pick it. Cordelia: God, you really were the little youthful offender, weren't you? You must just look back on that and cringe. Giles: Shh! Cut inside. The flames are getting very close to Willow. Willow: Buffy, I can't take it! It's too hot! Buffy: I'm sorry, Will. If it wasn't for me, none of this would have happened. Giles gets the door open, and comes in. Buffy: It wouldn't be... (sees Giles) Giles points Cordelia to a fire hose in the corner. She goes to it and smashes the glass with her elbow, holding up her hand to protect her face from the glass. The noise gets the crowd's attention. Joyce: Stop them! Cordelia pulls out the hose and turns it on, spraying the advancing crowd. Giles starts reciting his incantation in very bad, unintelligible German, muffled by the sound of the water spraying. Cordelia: (to the people) You like that? Huh? How 'bout some more! In spite of all the spraying, not very much water has gotten on the flames, and they have gotten dangerously close to Willow. Willow: Buffy, I'm on fire! Buffy: Cordelia, put out the fire! Cordelia: Oh, right. She turns the stream of water on the flames and quickly douses them. Cut to the ventilation shafts. Oz and Xander are still trying to find their way to the room. Cut to the room. Cordelia gets the last of the flames extinguished and turns off the water. Hansel and Gretel slowly walk up to them. Buffy and Willow pant in relief. The children keep closing in on Giles. Giles raises the bottle with his potion high and recites an incantation. Giles: Ihr Goetter, ruft Euch an! Verbergt Euch nicht hinter falschen Gesichtern! Translation: You gods, I call upon you! Do not hide behind false faces! He throws the bottle to the floor, smashing it in front of the children. The potion begins to steam around them. Hansel and Gretel look at each other and embrace. A moment later the two children morph into a single demon standing over seven feet (215cm) tall. Its ears are pointed and huge fangs jut from its lower jaw. Its skin is red and mottled and its hair is long and tangled. Cordelia: Okay, I think I liked the two little ones more than the one big one. Sheila and Joyce stare up at the demon in horror. The other people in the room all run out screaming. The demon turns to face Buffy. Out of her trance now, Joyce looks at the two girls tied up and helpless against him. Joyce: Oh, my God! Demon: Protect us! Kill the bad girls! Buffy: You know what? Not as convincing in that outfit. The demon roars and comes at her. Buffy struggles with her bonds, trying to get free. The ropes don't give, but the stake breaks. It's top heavy now, and forces Buffy to bend over so the tip is pointing at the demon, who can't stop his advance and impales himself through the neck. Sheila and Joyce look on in disgust. Buffy can't straighten herself back up with the weight of the demon's body at the other end of the stake, and so can't see the result of her unwitting maneuver. Buffy: Did I get it? Did I get it? Suddenly the ceiling gives way above them, and Oz and Xander come crashing down. The books break their fall. They look up weakly at Buffy and the dead demon. Oz: We're here to save you. Cut to Willow's house on another night. Cut into her room. She and Buffy have a number of bowls and jars of powders and potions laid out. Several candles are burning. Willow idly crushes some herbs in a bowl. Buffy: Your mom doesn't mind us doing this in the house? Willow: She doesn't know. Buffy: Business as usual? Willow: Hmm, sort of. She's doing that selective memory thing your mom used to be so good at. Buffy: She forgot everything? Willow: (ruefully) No. She remembered the part where I said I was dating a musician. She takes a pinch of the herbs she's crushed and sprinkles it onto a ceremonial iron plate set out between the girls. Willow: Oz has to come for dinner next week. So, that's sort of like taking an interest. Buffy: (looks down at their preparations and sighs) Okay, should we try this again? Willow: Let's do it. I think we got the mix of herbs right this time. Buffy: Okay. Ready? She lights a match and sets it to the mixture of herbs and roots on the plate while Willow recites her spell. It begins to burn, emitting purple smoke. Willow: Diana, Hecate, I hereby license thee to depart. Goddess of creatures great and small, I conjure thee to withdraw. Willow and Buffy both look over at Amy the rat. She gets up on her hind legs expectantly. Nothing happens, though, and she gets back down on all fours, seemingly disappointed. Buffy looks over at Willow. Buffy: Maybe we should get her one of those wheel thingies.

Plan: A: two; Q: How many children were killed? A: a cult sacrifice; Q: What is the reason for the children's death? A: Joyce; Q: Who leads the town in a witch hunt? A: Kristine Sutherland; Q: Who plays Joyce? A: Amy Madison; Q: Who turns herself into a rat? A: Elizabeth Anne Allen; Q: Who played Amy Madison? A: stakes; Q: What are Buffy, Willow, and Amy tied to? Summary: After two children are mysteriously killed, apparently as part of a cult sacrifice, Joyce ( Kristine Sutherland ) leads the town in a witch hunt - but all is not quite as it seems. Buffy, Willow, and Amy Madison ( Elizabeth Anne Allen ) are tied to stakes and Giles and Cordelia must rescue them, while Amy turns herself into a rat to escape the angry mob.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars Veronica studies her father's Lilly Kane murder file (from 106 "Return of the Kane"). TV: (Offscreen] The Lilly Kane murder case took an unexpected turn Veronica and her father watching the news report from the same episode. TV: (Offscreen] as Abel Koontz fired his public appointed legal counsel. KEITH: Guess he's ready to die. Weevil talks to Veronica outside his house (from 102 "Credit Where Credit's Due"). WEEVIL: I guess what everybody says about you is true too. That you spy on Duncan Kane. Veronica pauses in completing her ballot paper to gaze at Duncan (from 106 "Return of the Kane"). VERONICA VOICEOVER: Duncan Kane. He used to be my boyfriend. Veronica and Duncan walk down the hallway (from 107 "The Girl Next Door"). VERONICA: Did you know that your dad and my mom were king and queen of the prom? I guess they were like a couple or something. Veronica and Keith consider the evidence from the crime scene photos and the arrest video (from 106 "Return of the Kane"). VERONICA: This is an enlargement of a crime scene photo taken the night of Lilly's murder. VERONICA: And I need to show you something. KEITH: What are those shoes doing in Abel Koontz's possession? VERONICA: Good question. End previously. Veronica is sitting at her desk, considering the shoe photos. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Two photos that don't add up; there's only one person who can make sense of them and only one person who can get me in to see that person. Cliff has entered Mars Investigations. VERONICA: Cliff McCormack. Just the person I wanted to see. Can I get you some coffee, a doughnut, baked good of some sort? CLIFF: Aren't we pleasant? You're not gonna try to sell me a raffle ticket, are ya? Cliff looks round the corner into Keith's office, looking for him. VERONICA: Close. I want you to get me onto death row to meet with Abel Koontz. CLIFF: (Laughs]You crazy kids. This stuff you're into; (sitting opposite Veronica] Hula-hoops, cramming into phone booths, visiting death row inmates. What's it going to be next month? VERONICA: I'm serious. You're Koontz's lawyer. CLIFF: Interesting fact; once a person confesses to a crime, gets sentenced to death and refuses to appeal, the term becomes former lawyer. VERONICA: You can get him to see me. CLIFF: He alone decides who he'll see and so far, he's seen no one. VERONICA: Except you, his ever-loving lawyer. CLIFF: Yes, me. His $20 an hour public defender. Dershowitz, Cochrane and Shapiro were offering up their limbs and he comes here for representation. I failed criminal law and I still know that can't be good. VERONICA: Tell me. Do these look like the same pair of shoes to you? Veronica hands him the photos across the desk. CLIFF: Um, sure, I guess so. Why? Cliff again looks round to see where Keith is. VERONICA: One of those photos was taken in Lilly's room after her murder. The other is from Koontz's houseboat, two months later. CLIFF: I see. VERONICA: Why would Abel Koontz break back into the Kane house simply to steal a pair of shoes? CLIFF: (Slowly] Because he's crazy? (Realisation strikes]Your dad didn't page me, did he? Cliff chuckles as he gathers his briefcase and stands to go. VERONICA: Help me get in to talk to Koontz and I'll judge whether he's crazy for myself. CLIFF: Write him a letter stating your case, I'll make sure he gets it and deny any involvement with what you're doing. VERONICA: Thanks, Cliffy. CLIFF: (Reaching the door] Um-hum, he's gonna say no. VERONICA: You think? (Cliff pauses] Sometimes people find it very difficult to say no to me. Cut to the girl's shower room at Neptune High. Veronica emerges from the shower in a towel. She finds her locker open. VERONICA: Where are my clothes? She looks around. Some of the girls ignore her, other watch and giggle and smirk. VERONICA: Where are my clothes? The girls don't respond and start to leave. Cut to Veronica looking at her clothes stuffed down the toilet. Meg runs over. MEG: Veronica, did you find your clothes, yet? (Sees the clothes] Ugh, the people can be so awful here. VERONICA: Well does this towel make me look fat? MEG: You need something to wear? Cut to the door of Neptune High as Meg and Veronica exit into the outdoor cafeteria. Veronica is wearing a cheerleader outfit. There are catcalls and whistles at Veronica's appearance. MEG: I usually have sweats in my locker. Sorry. VERONICA: No, this is perfect. I just have to resist the urge to do a cartwheel. MEG: Why don't you come have lunch with us? You're already dressed for the occasion. Veronica looks over at the table Meg is referring to whose inhabitants include Dick Casablancas. VERONICA: I think I'm gonna go straight home and change but thank you for this. Really. MEG: Um-hm. Meg heads for her table as Veronica leaves, to the sound of some girls mocking her. At Meg's table, Dick is reading off a laptop screen as the rest listen. DICK: Number 26, have you ever done it in a car? Yes. Number 27, have you ever done it in a moving car? Yes again. The girls laugh as Meg arrives, cuddling up to Cole. PAM: Oh my god. Meg, is Veronica Mars wearing your uniform? MEG: Yeah. PAM: Better make sure she washes it. DICK: I'd boil it if I were you. MEG: We fear what we don't understand. Veronica's cool, you guys, really. DICK: Tell that to Logan. She put a bong in his locker and got him suspended. KIMMY: What about Ashley? She told her that her dad was having an affair. A week later her parents split up. PAM: You're too nice, Meg. The girl's a skank. Duncan joins the table. DICK: Says Pam, the girl who scored a 63 on the purity test. PAM: Shut up. DICK: Gosh. PAM: I did not. MEG: What's a purity test? DICK: Aw, it's this online list of questions of everything you could possibly do that's dirty or fun or illegal: have you smoked pot, have you ever shoplifted DUNCAN: Have you ever done a reverse cowgirl? And then it tallies up your answers and gives you the score of what percentage pure you are. The lower score, the badder you've been. PAM: So if you get a 60, you're 60% pure, 40% sack jockey. Anything under 60's really slutty. DUNCAN: Unless you're a guy. KIMMY: It was emailed to the whole school. Everyone's taking it. MEG: (Turning to Cole] What'd you score? COLE: Uh, 91. DICK: Dude, Snow White took it and scored an 89. Everyone at the table laughs. MEG: I think it's sexy we decided to wait. Meg smiles at Cole, gives him a quick kiss on the lips and exits. DUNCAN: All right, Cole. Kissing on the lips now. COLE: (Sighs heavily] Somebody describe second base to me. Tell me what it's like. Is it beautiful there? Cut to Wallace's house. A Pay-Per-View countdown for the Super featherweight Crown is on the television. Wallace is looking at the laptop on his lap while Veronica watches the tv. VERONICA: Twenty seconds, baby. WALLACE: You're this excited about the super featherweight crown? VERONICA: I know I'm usually so passive. But our bond grows stronger every day, he-who-has-satellite-dish. WALLACE: So, did you take the purity test. (Off Veronica's offended look] Yeah, me neither. Stupid, right. VERONICA: What'd you score? WALLACE: Seventy. VERONICA: Wow, you are 30% danger-lovin', girl-touchin' rock star. WALLACE: More like one point away from being cool. VERONICA: Here. (Veronica unzips her top and shows off her sports bra] Now you're a big stud. Happy? Wallace's chuckle is cut short by the appearance of his mother in the entranceway. MRS FENNEL: Wallace. Can I talk to you for a moment? Veronica's broad smile has dropped as she lets out a deep breath. Wallace puts the laptop on the table, gets up from the couch and heads out of the room. VERONICA: (Softly] That had to worth at least two points. Wallace enters the kitchen to face his mother as his little brother watches from the stool on which he is perched. MRS FENNEL: I thought we talked about you hanging out with that girl. I've only heard bad things about the Mars family since we moved here. WALLACE: Except from me. MRS FENNEL: We have the chance of making a fresh start in Neptune. Now there have to be lots of respectable kids in your school. (Wallace shakes his head] I don't want you spending all your time with Veronica Mars. Cut to Veronica, the laptop on her lap as Wallace re-enters the room. On the screen are a cartoon nun and devil. Wallace falls heavily onto the couch, next to Veronica. COMPUTER: I'm an angel. I'm hot. Straight from heaven. VERONICA: Did she invite me for supper? WALLACE: Aw no, it's no big deal. There aren't many girls she caught flashing me. VERONICA: Listen to this. Not that innocent? Buy the results of anyone's purity test. Ten dollars will let you know if you're dating an angel from heaven or a hottie from hell. WALLACE: That's crazy. You can go on there and buy anyone's test? VERONICA: I never thought I'd say this. But I kinda can't wait for school tomorrow. Cut to the chaos at school. People are challenging each other about sleeping with boyfriends or cheering girls who look confused. One boyfriend is being smacked by the paper in the hand of his girlfriend. Veronica is greatly amused. Cole is standing with Meg outside her locker, opposite to Veronica's locker. Meg is trying to rub out a large number 48 painted on her locker. COLE: I knew when you came back from Spain last summer, there was something different about you. Should have guessed you slept with that Hobby Air guy. You couldn't shut up about him. MEG: He was our tour guide. COLE: Oh. Was s*x included in the package or was that extra? MEG: I did not have s*x with him. I haven't had s*x with anybody. This is crazy; I didn't even take the test. COLE: (Reads] Have you ever slept with someone who spoke a language you didn't know? Have you ever had a fling while on vacation? Do you lie to protect your reputation? It all makes sense, every question here. You turned me into a joke. Thanks. Cole walks away from the upset Meg. Veronica approaches with a tissue. MEG: I-I didn't even do anything. VERONICA: I know. MEG: You believe me? VERONICA: Meg, you're the last good person at this school. I'd believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning. If you want, I can find who posted that test for you. We'll clear your name and make somebody pay. MEG: Really? VERONICA: Unless there's a fairy godmother already on it. Opening credits. Cut to a computer classroom where a teacher is supervising a student. Veronica enters. VERONICA: Is there any way to convert cipher text to plain text without initial knowledge of the crypto-algorithms? GYM TEACHER: Ah, excuse me? VERONICA: I'm trying to figure out how someone could have overridden the control framework on the school server in order to access everyone's password. Can you help me? GYM TEACHER: Yeah, uh, in real life, I'm actually a gym teacher. The person you want to talk to is Mac. Try the parking lot, look for the blue hair. Cut to Veronica in the parking lot. She sees a girl, with a streak of electric blue in her hair, at the door of an old wreck of a car, kicking it. MAC: Damn it! VERONICA: Have you ever seen that movie "Repo Man"? MAC: Uh-uh. Veronica lays her bag on the bonnet of the car and gets out a plastic file from which she takes the grip from the side. VERONICA: Just call me Otto. Mac watches as she slides it between the door and window and unlocks the door. MAC: Wow. That's really criminal of you, Otto. I'm impressed. VERONICA: Thanks. MAC: I don't know why I bother locking it in the first place. It barely runs. Mostly I just keep it around for status. VERONICA: Fashizzle. (Pointing at her car] Check out the LeBaron. MAC: Stylin'! VERONICA: I'm Veronica, by the way. MAC: Mac. VERONICA: Is that 'cause you're good with computers? MAC: Ah, no, 'cause my last name's MacKenzie. How'd you know I was good at computers. Veronica smiles. Cut to later as they sit on the bonnet of Meg's car. MAC: Every student has an email address that's easily accessible. You're VeronicaMars@NeptuneHigh.org, Meg would be MegManning@NeptuneHigh.org. VERONICA: That's the easy part. Anyone can buy a copy of the test but to post the results in the first place, you need to use your password. Who has that information? MAC: Only the student and the IT guy. VERONICA: Neptune High School has their own IT guy? MAC: Rene DeMois. We share him with the entire school district but he's here Tuesday and Friday mornings. VERONICA: You know his schedule by heart. MAC: I do a lot of computer stuff. Plus you'll understand when you see him. VERONICA: Cool. Thanks. MAC: Yeah and if Rene can't help you let me know 'cause I might be able to find a way to sneak into the system and get you some answers. VERONICA: That's really criminal. Thanks. Cut to Wallace's house. Veronica is posing in front of a sheet places over a window. Her hands are raised and pointing in an odd position. WALLACE: Why are you holding your hands like that? VERONICA: So that one day in your memoirs, you'll describe me as inscrutable. Wallace takes a picture. WALLACE: I was leaning more toward bonkers. VERONICA: I'll take what I can get. The phone rings. WALLACE: Ah, I guess I'll get that. Wallace leaves the room to take the call. As Veronica is putting away the camera, she sees Mrs Fennel through the window, speaking to a man at the door of an apartment attached to the house. Veronica watches MRS FENNEL: It's been over two months now and no rent. JEREMY: You've been really great and I appreciate it. MRS FENNEL: I'm tired of being great, you know, I have my own bills to worry about. JEREMY: Listen, can we talk about this later? I had to take a painkiller for my back and I'm a little fuzzy. That fall that I took on your front steps really wrecked me. I think you should probably get those fixed. Cut to the studio of Neptune High television. Meg and a fellow student are sitting as anchors on a news programme, watching a report. MICHAEL: (Offscreen] From New York City to the California coast, Miss Poppum is hoping to bring a little bit of Broadway to the beach. Meg. MEG: Thank you, Michael. Cut to a classroom where Veronica watches. MEG: Thank you, Michael. Auditions for "Cabaret" will be held this Friday immediately after school. LARS: You're quite the actress yourself, aren't you Meg? Meg is flustered. MEG: Uh, um. The awkward pause continues. LARS: Uh, weren't you the lead in "Guys and Dolls" last spring? MEG: (She laughs with mixed embarrassment and relief] Ah, yeah. Veronica shows a sympathetic face. Back in the studio, the broadcast over, Meg leaves the anchor desk and joins Pam and Kimmy behind the camera. PAM: That was so uncool. He shouldn't have gone off script. MEG: No, it was my fault. I'm just not myself lately. PAM: Maybe Mrs Denton will fire him and promote you. MEG: You should have been picked anyway, Kimmy. Your audition tape was awesome. KIMMY: Thanks, Meg. Cut to Meg at her locker. Veronica approaches. VERONICA: Hey, you okay. MEG: Barely. Boys have been calling my house, emailing me p0rn, slut sneezing. VERONICA: What? MEG: (Demonstrating by sneezing out the words] Slut, slut. VERONICA: Okay, whoever posted those results had to have gotten hold of your password somehow. Here's my very important question. Does anyone else besides you know it? MEG: No, no one. Well maybe my sister Lizzie. I mean, we're very close. Cut to the girls restroom where Lizzie is applying her makeup as Veronica stands behind her. LIZZIE: I wish I had posted it. You have no idea what a pain in the ass it is living in that house with her. It's all: "Meg got a scholarship, Meg keeps her room spotless, Meg never got kicked out of summer camp for waking up in the swim coach's cabin." That it? VERONICA: Unless you want to tell me you created the fake test for your sister. LIZZIE: No. But you might as well blame me. I get blamed for everything else. Veronica watches Lizzie trounce out. Cut to Rene's office. Veronica enters as he is working on a computer. VERONICA: Mr DeMois? RENE: Yes? As he swings around to face Veronica, she does a double take at his dark good looks. VERONICA: Whoa! Um, I was- RENE: Can I help you with something? VERONICA: I hope so. Um, my friend Julie, it's her sweet sixteen tomorrow and I wanted to change her screen saver to say happy birthday, like, as a surprise, but I don't know her password. I was told I could get it from you. She won't mind, I promise. We're like total BFFs. RENE: I don't know what that means but I cannot give you someone else's password. They are confidential. VERONICA: Am I supposed to, like, pay you or something? RENE: I cannot give it to you. I would lose my job. I'm sorry but no way. Veronica pouts and exits. Cut to the auditions for "Cabaret". Veronica enters. KIMMY: (Offscreen, singing] You can tell my brother, that's not grim 'Cause if he squeals on me I'll squeal on him, But don't tell Mama, bitte Don't tell Mama, please, sir, Don't tell Mama Veronica stops to watch Kimmy. KIMMY: What you know. Sssh! So if you see my Mommy, mum's the word! There is polite clapping as members of the audience call out comments. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Good job, Kimmy. AUDIENCE MEMBER: All right. CHOIR TEACHER: Good job, Kimmy. Um, Meg? You're up. Meg goes up to the mike as Kimmy takes a seat downstage. The choir pounds out the intro on the piano as Meg starts to move her shoulders suggestively. MEG: (Singing] Mama thinks I'm living in a convent A secluded little convent in the southern part of France. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ooh la, la. MEG: Mama doesn't even have an inkling AUDIENCE MEMBER: We do. AUDIENCE MEMBER: (Sneezes] Slut. Meg is starting be affected by the heckling. She carries on but is increasingly losing it. MEG: That I'm working in a nightclub in a pair of lacy pants. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Nasty MEG: So please, sir if you run into my mama, The noise and mockery of the audience gets louder and more disruptive. MEG: Don't reveal my indiscretion, give a working girl a(Sobbed] chance. Meg rushes off the stage. The audience applauds. Veronica races after her to the lockers. VERONICA: Life is so not a cabaret. MEG: I can't take this anymore. This is too much. Everyone thinks I'm the biggest slut in school. They've stopped in front of Veronica's locker which now bears a painted number, 14. VERONICA: We- (Sees the number] Well, second biggest. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I suppose the only surprise is that it took them this long to come after me. Cut to Veronica in her room, working on the laptop. She is surrounded by articles and clippings on Abel Koontz. VERONICA VOICEOVER: (Typing and adopting a Virginian drawl] Dear Mr Koontz, my name is Ellen White and I'm a graduate student in criminology at San Diego State University. I also happen to be from your home town. I would love the opportunity to talk with you. On the laptop, Veronica superimposes the photo Wallace took earlier onto one showing a Stallingsburg town sign. She prints off the photo. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I admit it. I splurged and spent ten bucks to read my own purity test. Cut to Rene, checking some computers. There is a knock at his door. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Apparently I've pleasured the swim team while jacked up on goofballs. RENE: You're back. VERONICA: I need to change the password on my email account. Someone managed to figure out the old one. RENE: That's why your password should always include numbers as well as letters. Everyone thinks its fun to use the name of your dog or boyfriend, but that actually makes it easy to crack. Rene has moved to a computer screen. VERONICA: My old password was GJ7B!X. Rene stares at Veronica. RENE: Well, try and make this one a little bit tougher. Cut to Wallace's house. Jeremy is in their kitchen, cooking himself a steak when the Funnels arrive home with groceries. MRS FENNEL: What do you think you're doing? JEREMY: What does it look like? MRS FENNEL: (Putting down the grocery bag, angry] You are not supposed to be in here. You have a stove in your own apartment. JEREMY: No, I don't have a stove, you see, I have a hot plate. MRS FENNEL: Jeremy, I have been about as patient with you as I'm gonna be. Now, do you think that I charge you rent for the hell of it? I rely on that money. JEREMY: God! You're like this mosquito that's buzzing around my ear. WALLACE: Hey, watch it man. JEREMY: You know, I can't enter my home, right, my home without being accosted. (Wallace too is getting angry and puts down his grocery bag and pulls off his jacket] Every time I make a move, I get this yappity yap in my face. Jeremy slams the pan he was using down on the stove. Wallace is ready for a fight and makes for Jeremy. WALLACE: Yeah, all right then. Let's get this yappity yap- Mrs Fennel, who has clocked the pan in Jeremy's hand, holds out her arm to block Wallace. MRS FENNEL: Whoa, whoa. Hold on, son, hold on. Go ahead. Go ahead, make your dinner. (Backing out of the kitchen, forcing Wallace behind her] Come with me Wallace, come on. You-you set an example for your brother, now. WALLACE: That's exactly what I plan on doing, ma. MRS FENNEL: Listen to me, listen to me, come on. Cut to Wallace arriving at the Mars apartment. Veronica lets him in. He marches past her. VERONICA: You ready to put the hurt on that Pythagorean Theorem? WALLACE: Oh, you don't even wanna mess with me on that today. I just about murc'd my mom's crazy, no-rent-paying tenant this afternoon. VERONICA: That guy's sleazy so I hope "murc'd" means something bad. You know, my dad's still got that Sheriff sheen. He's great at scaring people away. WALLACE: No, I got it covered. Keith comes out of his bedroom. VERONICA: Seriously, you should talk to him. KEITH: Am I giving you the birds and bees again, Wallace? VERONICA: Wallace's mom is having trouble with her tenant. Dude's a bit unstable. Wallace got in a fight with him today. WALLACE: It's really not a big deal. KEITH: I'll stop by, it'll take two seconds. WALLACE: I don't even know when he'll be home, Mr Mars. KEITH: Wallace. It's nothing. Just leave the address for me, will ya? 'kay? VERONICA: Don't worry. It's his speciality. Bustin' heads and breakin' hearts. Cut to a classroom where Meg and Veronica sit side by side. As the teacher talks, Veronica leans over to Meg. MRS MURPHY: This was written in 1928 VERONICA: So, I found out that this version of the purity test was originally published in "Grind Girl" magazine. MEG: My sister subscribes to that. VERONICA: I know. She's the only person at Neptune High who does. Mrs Murphy notices. MRS MURPHY: Veronica. You seem to be in a sharing mood. Why don't you tell us your position on this? As Veronica is pondering her response, she is saved by a dick. DICK: All fours. The class laughs. MRS MURPHY: Dick Casablancas. You can see me after class. Dick gives Veronica a dirty look as she wags her finger at him. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Congratulations, Dick. You just made my list. Cut to Keith, ringing the Fennel's doorbell. Mrs Fennel's opens the door KEITH: Hi, Mrs Fennel? I'm Keith Mars, Veronica's father. MRS FENNEL: Your daughter's not here. KEITH: I know. Wallace mentioned that trouble you were having with the tenant and I thought I could be some help. MRS FENNEL: Well, thanks, but I have it under control. KEITH: It's no trouble at all. MRS FENNEL: Look. If I have a problem, I'll go to the police. KEITH: Wallace was concerned. MRS FENNEL: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll worry about my children, you worry about yours. Keith nods and Mrs Fennel's shuts the door. As Keith leaves the porch, he sees the mailbox for the tenant: Jeremy Masterson. Cut to Veronica in her bedroom. Her cell phone rings. She doesn't recognise the caller ID. VERONICA: Hello. TELEPHONE: Ellen White, please. VERONICA: Speaking. TELEPHONE: I'm calling to set up a visitation with Abel Koontz. He's agreed to see you this Friday between two and four. Prison guidelines are as follows: No cameras permitted inside Cut to Neptune High. Veronica is working on one of the outdoor tables, close to an 09er table containing Duncan, Cole and Dick. DUNCAN: So now it comes out. Meg was one of those Britney Spears virgins, huh. (Veronica looks over at him] And you were her noble Justin, just keeping it all on the down low. COLE: (Doing a Bill Clinton impersonation] I did not have sexual relations with that woman. The boys laugh. DICK: Come on, man, we know you did. The sweet ones always turn out to be the freakiest. COLE: No, man, Meg's a good girl, really good. Good at everything she does. And she does do everything. Lizzie, standing nearby, has heard enough. She marches up to Cole. LIZZIE: Keep it up, hot shot. Everyone's so impressed. Hey, maybe I should post some of the love poems you wrote to Meg. I know where she keeps 'em, you know. COLE: Meg always said you were immature. LIZZIE: Funny. According to her purity test, you were always premature. COLE: Shut up, Lizzie. LIZZIE: Stop talking about my sister, Cole. COLE: You don't even like her. LIZZIE: Maybe not, but I love her. Lizzie walks away, straight towards Veronica who beckons her over. LIZZIE: What's up, Veronica? Want to interrogate me some more? VERONICA: Why, yes, I do. I was supposed to meet Meg here after lunch. Do you know where she is? LIZZIE: She didn't come to school today. VERONICA: Is she all right? LIZZIE: Let's just say my parents have stopped bugging me to be more like her. Cut to Meg's bedroom, where she is piling up the tissues next to the bed in which she is sitting up. Veronica is sitting at the end of the bed. MEG: First my dad wanted to sue the school or kill whoever posted that score and then he searched my room. VERONICA: For what? Your p0rn stash? MEG: (Strangled laugh] No. There were these letters I got from a guy I met in Spain. He had a crush on me and wrote all this sexy stuff. Dad kind of flipped out. Told me I was acting just like Lizzie. VERONICA: That must have been fun. MEG: After everything else, I was, I was just too decimated to make it to school today. I don't see how you do it. VERONICA: Do what? MEG: Deal. The way people talk about you. Does it bother you, the things they say? VERONICA: No. Here's what you do. You get tough, you get even. MEG: (Laughs] Really. VERONICA: Works for me. And you are going to school tomorrow. And you're not taking crap from anyone. Meg gives a rueful smile. Cut to the Fennel household. As Wallace, his mother and his brother enter, they pause. WALLACE: What the hell is that? MRS FENNEL: Oh my god, its gas. She rushes them out. MRS FENNEL: Come on. WALLACE: I've got to turn it off. MRS FENNEL: Wai-wai-wait. Cover your mouth. She give Wallace her scarf. WALLACE: All right. MRS FENNEL: Cover your mouth. Wallace heads for the kitchen. MRS FENNEL: Hurry up. Wallace reaches the stove and turns off the gas. MRS FENNEL: Hurry up, hurry up. Are you okay? WALLACE: Yeah, I'm okay. MRS FENNEL: Okay. WALLACE: Are you okay? WALLACE'S LITTLE BROTHER: Yeah. MRS FENNEL: Well, now we have something to go to the police with. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to a police vehicle outside the house. DEPUTY SACKS: I'm sorry, there's really nothing I can do to help. You're gonna need to get a lawyer involved and file an eviction notice. MRS FENNEL: Best case, he won't be out for 60 days. Sacks shrugs. MRS FENNEL: Thanks. That's very helpful. WALLACE: Yeah. You're a help. MRS FENNEL: Come on. Cut to the Mars apartment as Keith responds to a knocking at the door. Veronica is drying dishes. KEITH: Wallace. Come on in. WALLACE: Hello Mr Mars. Think I could crash on your couch tonight? My house is getting exterminated and we have to be out of the house for the night. KEITH: Of course. Are you hungry? We just finished supper. WALLACE: Thanks, yeah. VERONICA: What happened? WALLACE: Nothing. VERONICA: Did you ever get over to talk to Mrs Fennel? KEITH: Yeah. I went over there. Wallace's mom had a plan and I didn't want to overstep. VERONICA: Overstepping is your main form of transportation. KEITH: You know, I have to go back to the office and grab some stuff. Keith leaves. WALLACE: My mom thinks I'm staying at Norman's house. VERONICA: Who's Norman? WALLACE: Norman is my imaginary, straight-A, eagle-scout, (does air quotes] mama's-boy, friend. VERONICA: He sounds boring for an imaginary friend. WALLACE: Mom seems to like him. VERONICA: I guess she'd freak out if she knew you were staying at a girl's house, huh? What? Not the flashing thing again? WALLACE: Let's just say the old biddies over at the Kane Software rumour mill are filling her head with a lot of garbage. VERONICA: Not a big fan of the Mars family, huh? WALLACE: I know. It's whack. VERONICA: I get it. It's fine. Want some popcorn? WALLACE: Yeah, thanks. Veronica puts the popcorn in the microwave, looking a little sad. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Does it ever bother me, what people say? Okay, maybe once and a while. Depends who's listening. Cut to Keith at Mars Investigations, looking up Jeremy on the computer. He finds that he has a record for various offences including passing bad cheques and public nuisance. Cut to Jeremy entering the Fennel's dark kitchen. When he opens the refrigerator, he is startled by Keith, sitting on a stool just beyond it, drinking from a bottle. JEREMY: Who the hell are you? KEITH: So you are moving out. You have until, let's say, um, 6am. That gives you, oh, six hours to pack up all your stuff. JEREMY: Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. As Jeremy closes the fridge and leaves, Keith just takes another swig from his bottle. Cut to Jeremy's apartment. As the clock turns from 5:59 to 6:00, the alarm sounds. Jeremy turns it off and rolls over. Keith is sitting on the floor by the bed. Jeremy is shocked. KEITH: 6am, big boy. Time to get going. JEREMY: You can't be in here. KEITH: You think you're pretty clever, huh? Taking advantage of a single mom, sixteen-year-old kid, huh? Okay, well, it's over. You're out. JEREMY: This is my apartment. KEITH: It stopped being your apartment two minutes ago. So what do you think? You ready to impress me with your nuttiness, 'cause I hear that's your schtick. Come on, son, perform for me. Let's see the show, let's see if you can scare me. Is that it, is that all you got? That's nothing. You wanna see crazy? You pay attention, 'cause this is gonna get good. Keith barks and screams and shakes Jeremy out of bed. KEITH: See that was crazy. Now I want you to pack your bags and get out. You're never to bother Mrs Fennel again. You don't talk to her, you don't drop by, you never lived here, right? (Shouts] Right? JEREMY: Right. Cut to Keith lounging in a chair on the Fennel porch with a paper and a cup of coffee. Jeremy is moving out. Keith smiles. Cut to the Mars apartment. Veronica is getting her bag together. Wallace is searching. WALLACE: Could you use your investigative skill to find my keys? VERONICA: Hmm. Keith enters with a small bag. VERONICA: You got breakfast? KEITH: Don't act like this isn't usual, Wallace will think I did it for him. WALLACE: I know you did. Have you seen my keys? Keith reaches into his pocket and pulls out the keys. KEITH: Well, what do you know? The last place you'd think to look. Keith throws him the keys and chuckles as he heads for his bedroom. Cut to a classroom. Mac and Veronica are working at a computer. MAC: Ten bucks a pop, man. Somebody's getting rich. I know some kids who have ordered dozens. VERONICA: Did you order any? MAC: Think that I have ten dollars to spare? You've seen my car, right? VERONICA: Can you email me the dummy corporation info anyway? There might be something. VERONICA: The computer won't let me access my account. MAC: Somebody's logged on as you right now. It says they're on a computer in the journalism room. The bell rings as they race to the computer room. By the time they get there, the room is empty. Veronica sees one of the computers is live and sits before it. MAC: So how hush-hush are the contents of your mailbox? VERONICA: Just homework and class schedules. Anything on the QT, I keep in my personal email, not my Neptune- Oh god. My outbox. There's an email from me to my ex-boyfriend. MAC: Duncan Kane? You used to be all anyone gossiped about. You still are, just in a different way. So what does it say? VERONICA: (Reads] Dear Duncan. I want you to know that I still love you very much and I think about you constantly. Every time I see you, my heart breaks. I need to tell you that when we were dating I had (with horror] VD. I hope you didn't catch anything from me (Turns to face Mac] Am I naked, because in my nightmares, I'm usually naked. A noise from the computer attracts the attention of both of them. There is a message on screen from "Froggy" asking "where'd u go?" MAC: Someone wants to chat with whoever's pretending to be you. VERONICA: They think I'm still whoever was on my account. MAC: But the bell's rung. They'd know that whoever it is would have left for their next class. VERONICA: Unless they're not at school. (Typing] Can you get a password for me. (Reading the rapid response] Another one? (To Mac] We have all the information we need. Veronica hurries out with Mac trailing. MAC: We do? Wait, Veronica. Who is Froggy, do we know? Who's Froggy? Cut to night as Veronica's call pulls a distance away from a parked car. VERONICA VOICEOVER: There's just one frog who knows everyone at Neptune High's password and I followed him to the low rent version of Lovers' Lane, Inspiration Rock Quarry and while there's nothing more satisfying than solving a case, (racing up to the parked car and taking pictures of its occupants] there's something seedy about being the interruptus in someone else's coitus. As the camera flashes away, the occupants become increasingly noisy in their distress. Cut to Veronica standing by her locker with a file in her hand. As she refers to them, the parties pass by. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Who would want to sully the reputation of the nicest girl in school? Cole, the sexually deprived boyfriend? Pam, the type-A tightass debutante? Lizzie, the oversexed overlooked little sister? Or single white female, Kimmy? Veronica beckons Kimmy over. VERONICA: Hey, Kimmy, check this out. I followed our IT guy around last night. Guess where he ended up. KIMMY: Oh my god. VERONICA: I heard the purity test website is gonna start posting pictures to illustrate the questions. Wouldn't these be perfect? Look. Number 23, have you ever touched it? Well, I guess you have. This here's a stellar example of number 78 and this one, whoa, I think my score went down just looking at that. Although it would be hard to score below a 14, wouldn't it Kimmy. KIMMY: Why are you doing this? VERONICA: Because you messed with the wrong person. You don't even know me and you posted that test for me. KIMMY: No, I didn't. VERONICA: Stop lying. I know you got my password from Rene. You know, he's 23, you're 17. I don't think they allow conjugal visits in prison. KIMMY: Please, it wasn't me. VERONICA: Then who was it? KIMMY: It was Pam. Pam posted the test for you. She hates you because Duncan is still hung up on you. I only posted Meg's, I swear. VERONICA: Why would you do that? KIMMY: She gets everything I want. Everything. The lead in the musical, cheerleader, the anchor job. VERONICA: Thanks, Kimmy. Veronica opens her locker and takes out the video camera. KIMMY: What did you- Oh, god. VERONICA: So, your boyfriend was the one running the purity test website, right? KIMMY: No! VERONICA: Kimmy, why do you insist on pissing me off? You and Pam aren't smart enough to pull that off. KIMMY: Seriously! He didn't even know why I wanted the passwords. I don't think he even knows the purity test exists. Veronica walks away. KIMMY: Wait, what are you gonna do with that tape? Meg enters the school TV studio. Meg brings in some tapes. MEG: This is the debate club piece, the school board meeting and the lacrosse team. STUDENT: Okay, no problem. STUDENT: Hurry Meg. Meg races to the anchor desk. STUDENT: Any you're live in five, four, three, two The news starts. Veronica and Duncan, in the same class, are watching. MEG: Last night's victory continued the winning streak for the Pirate lacrosse team. Kevin Stockland has a story. Instead, Veronica's tape starts, to everyone's surprise. KIMMY: Please, it wasn't me. VERONICA: Then who was it? KIMMY: It was Pam. Pam posted the test for you. She hates you because Duncan is still hung up on you. Duncan raises his eyebrows while Veronica cringes a little. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Note to self, cue tape for client. KIMMY: I only posted Meg's, I swear. Meg looks over at Kimmy in the studio. VERONICA: Why would you do that? KIMMY: She gets everything I want. Everything. The lead in the musical, cheerleader, the anchor job. VERONICA: Thanks, Kimmy. KIMMY: Wait, what did you- The original broadcast of the lacrosse team resumes. KEVIN: And last night's lacrosse match with the Point Pleasant Raiders PAM: You dumb wanna-be freak show. KIMMY: I had to tell her. PAM: Of course you did. Because you're spineless. Please start crying 'cause you're not pathetic enough already. Nice hair cut by the way. Does Meg know you bring her picture to Fantastic Sam's? (Kimmy runs out in tears] Very dramatic, Kimmy. Very Meg. Meg, and all the others, stare hard at Pam. PAM: What? Cut to the car park. The music is "Don't Let It Get You Down" by Spoon. Veronica passes Dick whose car engine is steaming. VERONICA VOICEOVER: All fours, huh, Dick? You mess with the bull. SONG: Don't let it get you down Don't let it get you down Don't let it get you down Don't let it get you down Mac honks as she passes Veronica in a brand new Beetle. VERONICA VOICEOVER: There was really only one person smart enough to set up the purity test. How can I resent someone who took sex-crazed 09ers for their allowance money? As Veronica reaches her car, Meg approaches. MEG: I was looking for a white horse. VERONICA: Ooh. So now I'm your knight in shining armour? MEG: Pretty much. All of a sudden everyone's running up to me saying how they never believed I did those things. Cole, even. Not that I care. VERONICA: I'm glad. Funny. No one's come running up to me. MEG: It's because people are afraid of you. VERONICA: Then something's working. MEG: Getting tough? Yeah, that was good advice. And I needed that. The getting even part? You might want to rethink that one. Meg goes to leave, but then turns back. MEG: You do have friends, Veronica. Veronica sees Duncan and runs to catch him. VERONICA: Duncan, hey. DUNCAN: Hey. VERONICA: Somebody stole my computer password and used it to sent fake emails from me to you so I don't have VD, I've never had VD and I don't still love you. Just so that you know. DUNCAN: Good. 'Cause, I'm not, you know, still hung up on you or anything. VERONICA: I never thought you were. They pause awkwardly, then Veronica turns to go. DUNCAN: Wait. You don't have VD? 'Cause I keep getting this thing on my lip and I'm not sure who I could've gotten it from Veronica punches him and they smile at each other. Cut to Mars Investigations. Mrs Fennel enters cautiously as Keith makes coffee in the kitchenette. On seeing her, he pours her a coffee. MRS FENNEL: So. My tenant moved out. Wallace said I have you to thank for it. KEITH: I know how the law works. Slowly. And I was-I was worried. For Wallace. MRS FENNEL: The fact that you helped me, even though I was awful to you, you're a very decent man. KEITH: Yeah, I'd like to think that but really I just like tossing people out, it's kind of a hobby. MRS FENNEL: I don't know if you've heard some of the things they say about you. KEITH: Oh, I know, trust me. I barely let me socialise with myself. I'm a bad influence. MRS FENNEL: (Choking on the coffee] Do you have any sugar? KEITH: Oh, yeah. Veronica enters the prison visiting area where she sits before the glass divider in front of him and picks up the phone. VERONICA VOICEOVER: They say the truth will set you free. And I'm looking for the truth in a maximum security prison. Don't worry. The irony isn't lost with me. KOONTZ: Ellen. Well aren't you a breath of fresh air. VERONICA: I want to thank you for taking the time to meet with me, Mr Koontz. KOONTZ: It's always nice to chat with a hometown girl. Do you ever get back to good old Stallingsburg for the pear blossom festival? VERONICA: You mean apple blossom. KOONTZ: Of course. VERONICA: Just bought my tickets for May. KOONTZ: You know, you remind me of someone. How old are you, Ellen? VERONICA: Twenty-two. KOONTZ: She must have been the same age when I knew her. Hmm. I shouldn't bore you with ancient history. Now, what shall we chat about? VERONICA: Well, I found these photographs online. (Holds up the photos] I think they could prove you didn't take Lilly's shoes the night of the murder. It might be enough evidence to get you a retrial. KOONTZ: Now why would I want a retrial when I could have all this? VERONICA: Somebody had to plant those shoes on your houseboat. You never saw Lilly Kane in your life. Why would you confess to killing her? KOONTZ: So you're one of those. What will it take for Keith Mars to let sleeping dogs lie? (Evilly] Do you wanna know exactly how I bashed your friend's brains in? Oh. I know who you are Veronica Mars. I knew your mom when she used to visit the office during lunch hours. VERONICA: I don't believe you. KOONTZ: You're a very dedicated young lady. Certainly you didn't inherit that quality from poor scattered Lianne. Unfortunately for you, that makes you your father's daughter. VERONICA: My dad tried to save your life. KOONTZ: I meant your real father. Think about it Veronica. Look in a mirror. Are you the product of a schluppy sheriff or the king and queen of the prom? Veronica is shocked. Koontz is satisfied and smiles. Cut to Veronica walking to her car. She climbs in and starts to sob. She remains in the car, crying, as the camera pulls back. End.

Plan: A: A purity test; Q: What is circulating around Neptune High? A: a negative impact; Q: What kind of impact does the purity test have on Meg Manning? A: Meg Manning; Q: Who is Veronica's last 09er friend? A: Mac; Q: Who does Veronica recruit to help her figure out who is publishing the fake purity tests? A: a computer genius; Q: What is Mac's talent? A: Abel Koontz; Q: Who tells Veronica that Jake Kane is probably her biological father? A: Keith; Q: Who helps Mrs. Fennell? A: doubts; Q: What is Mrs. Fennell having about Wallace hanging out with Veronica? Summary: A purity test circulating around Neptune High has a negative impact on both Meg Manning, Veronica's last 09er friend, and Veronica herself. Veronica recruits Mac, a computer genius, to figure out who is publishing the fake purity tests. Abel Koontz tells Veronica that Jake Kane is probably her biological father. Keith helps out Mrs. Fennell, who is having doubts about Wallace hanging out with Veronica.

Michael: Oh, yeah. [clapping and chanting] I got a big box, yes I do. I got a big box how 'bout you? [points to Erin] Erin: [clapping] I got a big box, yes I do. I got a big box how 'bout you? [points to Oscar] Oscar: I think you don't know what you're saying. Michael: It's from "Sob-ray", our new owner, and it is to Sabre, us. I wonder what's inside. Scissor me. [Erin tosses Michael open scissors, Pam is appalled] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Dunder Mifflin was recently bought by an electronics company named Sabre. [mispronounced "sob-ray"] They stepped in at the 11th hour, and they saved our asses. Although David Wallace said that we were the one branch that was actually working right, so we probably could have saved our own asses. We didn't need them touching our asses. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh! [rips open cardboard box] Wow. Awesome. [distributing items] For accounting, a brand new printer. And for the sales staff, a new fax machine. This cord has Creed written all over it. And whoever would like a brand new scanner can come visit it in my office. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Here we go. [scans stuffed animal] Oh! Wow. Michael: Cool. What next? [Dwight puts his face on scanner] Erin: Guys, um, who's Gabe? This note says to put the box aside for Gabe Lewis, who's coming tomorrow? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay, everybody, listen up. I have some bad news. Due to circumstances beyond my control - Dwight: Impulsivity and inattention to detail. Michael: Hey, hey. I have opened a box, which should not have been opened... Dwight: Terrible mistake. Michael: And distributed things which should not have been distributed. Dwight: Undistributable. Pam: Well, maybe we can put the box back together. Dwight: Impossible. He opened it like an ape. Oscar: I think we can do it. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [Pam and Oscar are trying to repack cardboard box] Yep, yep. Oscar: Right? Mm. Did we try printer first? Shredder at an angle - Pam: Yep. Oscar: Fax, cable, then the scanner upside down? Pam: Yes. Creed: Have you tried making everything smaller? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And - [Jim seals box with tape, rips covered with stickers] Wow. Really nice job. This group of people, when they put their minds together, they can do something great. And I think that you should all be proud of yourselves. [cell phone starts ringing from inside box] Pam: Oh, Michael. Michael: Alright, relax. We can do it. We just did it. So we can do this again. Erin, scissor me please. [Erin tosses open scissors across Jim and Pam] Pam: No, don't! Michael: [fumbles] Thank you. Oh! Got it. Ok. Michael: Alright, he's on his way up. Okay. Are we ready? Pam: What do you want us to do? Michael: Why do I have to explain everything? Pam: Because we're usually not on the same page. Michael: Okay. [starts round of applause] Gabe: Oh. Okay. And to you. [begins applauding] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Gabe seems tall. Hope we get along. Had a very good thing going with David Wallace. He was a good guy. He was somebody I could trust. Here he is. [holding up photo of him and Wallace] You can really see that he is ok taking a picture with me. Even though I was there for disciplinary reasons. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Welcome. Scranton hot dog from Scranton? Michael: You know what, Dwight? Let's give him a minute to settle in, shall we? Ok? Gabe: Um, hi, uh, my name is Gabe Lewis. I am coordinating director for merging regions. Michael: Hello, Gabe. I am Michael Scott, co-manager. This is my protege, Jim Halpert. Jim: Co-manager, actually. Michael: In training. Jim: Trained. Loving it. Good at it. So... Gabe: We are very impressed with this branch and we are so excited about this merger. Michael: We're very excited too, aren't we guys? Right? Dwight: So excited. Michael: We have a little song prepared for you. Gabe: Um, actually, if you don't mind, I would love to put this on the Sabre website. [correctly pronounced "say-ber"] Michael: Sabre. Say-ber. Sabre. Dwight: Oh. Of course. Michael: Yes, say-ber. Good. Take it away guys. Andy: Ok. [playing guitar to the tune of Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA] Andy & Erin: [singing] Hopped off the train in Scranton, PA, another cloudy gray afternoon. Jumped in the cab, here you are for the first time, look to the right see the "Electric City" sign. This is gonna be good day, for Dunder Mifflin and Sob-ray. Sab - [guitar stops] Michael: Saber. Andy: Saber. [sings] Dunder Mifflin and Saber. So yeah, yeah, yay, yay. Andy & Erin: Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sob-ray. So yeah, yeah, yay, yay. Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sabre. [music stops] Andy: You sure it's saber? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. Jim: Thank you. Hey, we should be fine if we leave around 11:20. Pam: Oh, you mapquested it. It's four blocks away. Jim: Well, now we won't get lost. Or we could drive. And that takes one minute. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: We found a great local daycare. It's rated really high by all the local parenting websites. But that means it's also really hard to get into. Jim: Turns out, a lot of parents want the very best for their children. That's weird. Pam: We're hoping our interview seals the deal. Jim: But if not, there's always the army. The infantry. Pam: Okay. Okay. Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [Gabe starts DVD] Christian Slater: So you've just been bought by Sabre. You've probably got a lot of questions. Hi. I'm Christian Slater. What's it like to work for Sabre? Let's find out together. Working at Sabre means taking on the challenge of the road that rises to meet you. Sabre is respecting the past, but opening a window to the future. Have you ever tasted a rainbow? At Sabre, you will. Jo Bennett: You'll find it easy to embrace the Sabre spirit. Welcome. We're very excited to go on this journey with you. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Christian Slater impression] So you've been shown a nonsensical video. You're probably wondering, "What's going on?" Well, you're not alone. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Wow. Really terrific. Gabe: Most of our business comes from selling printers. So don't think of yourselves as paper salesmen anymore, but as printer salesmen who also sell paper. Michael: Perfect. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: No. Don't like that. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: At Sabre, we really encourage honest communication. You should always feel free to express your thoughts, your - Meredith: Talk about vacation days! Gabe: We have a policy here at Sabre where we are, uh, allowed to take two weeks. Oscar: But I banked six weeks. Angela: I already booked a Great Lakes cruise. Meredith: Hey, who the hell's going through our stuff? Gabe: Actually, that's Nick. He's your new IT guy. Uh, he's setting up a site blocker. Mostly blocking the inappropriate sites. And then there are the time-wasting sites like Twitter, YouTube. We are blocking those as well. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Mm, nope. Don't like that. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Ok, did everyone get one? With these bottles, we eliminate the need for plastic water bottles, which are the scourge of the environment. Michael: We'll still get to use the little cups, though, right? Gabe: Little cups? Like paper or plastic or... ? Michael: I don't know what they're made of. Dwight: They're 2 ounce paper cups dipped in plastic. He goes through 20 a day. Gabe: Ok, well, I bet you can fit 20 little cups of water in your aluminum bottle. Michael: You know what can't fit in a bottle, are the 20 little trips I take to the cooler, and the 20 little scans I do of everybody to make sure everything's running smoothly. And the 20 little conversations that I have with Stanley. Stanley: That's ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There is a small part of me that is actually very excited about this new company. But 70 percent of me is water, and the other part, the real part, the part that has feelings and emotions and thoughts and makes decisions and, if I can be crass, makes babies, that part thinks that all of these changes suck ba - [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in line to fill up water bottle behind Kevin and Toby] Really? You don't have enough water in there? Your stomach? Toby: Oop. Michael: What? Toby: Looks like we kicked it. [indicates water jug is empty] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I don't want to appear ungrateful for everything Sabre's doing for us. Gabe: Oh, I don't get that sense at all from you, so... Michael: Well, you should have a little. But it's great that you don't, because I am trying to embrace all of these changes, but I'm - I'll be honest, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around a couple of 'em. Gabe: Which ones? Michael: All of them. Gabe: Well, I wish that I could do something, but it's kind of policy, you know? Above my pay grade. You know? Michael: So maybe we should call. We should call someone. I could help. I'm good with bosses. Call one of the higher-ups? Gabe: You know what? Let me see what I can do. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [after entering daycare] Ok, this is officially the cutest thing I've ever seen. Cubbies. I totally forgot about cubbies. Pam: There's a finger-painting station and a curly slide. Am I too old to go here? Jim: Oh. Adorable, right? [opens kiddie bathroom, sees man on toilet] I walked in on someone in the bathroom. Pam: What? Jim: I just walked in on someone in the bathroom. Pam: Who? The - Jim: I don't know. I don't know. Pam: The guy we're meeting with? Jim: I don't know, I don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I am telling you, there are no strawberries in here. Erin: Well, I saw them in there. Andy: Well maybe they ran away, because the pizza was like, [imitating Italian accent] "Hey, get out of here, you stupid strawberries." [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I think when Andy finally asks me out he's going to try to top what he did with the drum line. I can't wait to see what he comes up with. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: The ball's totally in Erin's court. After the whole drum line thing. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: [on videochat] First let me say that I told them everything you wanted me to say, in just the way you wanted me to say it, so... Jo: Gabe, honey, I love this. I love the sound of your voice. But I really need some new information now. Gabe: Ok, um, I told the story of your uncle, and I have a feeling that you would have [Michael gesturing behind computer] really been proud of the way... Okay, um... Jo: Wait a minute, who is it? Who's there? Is there somebody in the room with you? [Michael gesturing "no"] I want to see who it is. Turn me around. Gabe: I don't - it's just... Jo: Turn me around. Now. [Michael starts to leave, Jo whistles] Hey, Buddy. Is it something I said? Michael: Hello. No. My name's Michael Scott. Hello. Jo: Oh, hello, Mr. Scott. Pleased to meet you. Michael: Nice to meet you. We are very excited about the merger with Sabre. I think you have a great accent. Jo: Aw, thank you. I've been working on it since I was a little girl. To, um, to what do I owe the pleasure of this videochat? Michael: Well, I am little concerned with all of these changes, to be quite frank. I think we have done things a certain way here at Dunder Mifflin for quite some time, and - Jo: Pardon. Pardon me, Mr. Scott, but the last time I saw a company as mismanaged as Dunder Mifflin, it was my grandson's snowball company, so you'll excuse me if I prefer that you all adapt to the way that we do things. Michael: Ok. I feel very strongly that you can't just come in here and change everything that people have been doing forever. Is Christian Slater back there? Because... he knows. He'd know what to do. Jo: So listen, why don't you tell Gabe if by the end of the day you can't handle the changes. Michael: I have already told him, but I will tell him again if you think that will help. Jo: I would take until the end of the day if I were you. [Michael leaves conference room] [SCENE_BREAK] [Michael throws aluminum bottle out of car window, breaks a windshield, speeds out of parking lot] [SCENE_BREAK] Jerry: Pam and Jim? Hey, I'm Jerry. Pam: Hi Jerry. Jim: Jerry. Jerry: Good to see you. Come on in. My office is right back here. This is the play room. Jim: This is great. Got to confess, we came a little early, so we got a quick look around, but, uh - Jerry: Oh, so you saw it already? Jim: No, no, no, no. Yes. We saw this, yes. No, it wasn't like a look around. We really just had a peek. Quick peek. Didn't focus on anything in particular. Pam: It's lovely. Jerry: [cell phone rings] Oh. Got to take this. Sorry. Jim: Do it. Jerry: Okay. Hi, this is Jerry. Pam: Ok, you've got to pull it together. Jim: We should just go. He's really uncomfortable. Pam: He's uncomfortable because you're acting weird. So you have to stop acting weird. Jim: What if we just bring it up? We just put it out in the open? Pam: That's the weirdest possible solution to the problem. Jerry: Sorry about that. Right this way. Jim: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I have come here today to talk to Mr. David Wallace about this whole thing going on with Sabre. [rings doorbell] He will know exactly what to do. He is not a big fan of me dropping by announced. But then again, who is? [loud drumming as door opens] Hey. Hi, sorry. David: Michael. Michael: I hope you're not busy doing something. David: No, you kidding? Come on in. Come on. Michael: You sure? David: You look great. Michael: You look great too. David: You hungry? I'm just having lunch. Michael: Oh, yeah, that sounds good. David: Fantastic. Teddy, look who just stopped in. Teddy Wallace: Huh? Hey. [continues drumming] Michael: Hey. Wow. David: Keep it up, son. Michael: Really loud. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Wow. Oh, yummy. [David spreads marshmallow fluff on bread] You have got the life, my friend. David: Yeah. Michael: Can I just stay here and never go back? David: Things not going so well there? Michael: Oh, man. How much time do you have? David: I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday. Michael: Yeah. Mrs. Wallace: Hey, honey. How's your day going? Did you do anything cool? David: Uh, no, sweetie. I just sort of hung out. Mrs. Wallace: Oh, 'cause I saw you had shoes on, so I didn't know if you did anything. David: No. Just hanging out, honey. You remember Michael. Michael: Hi. Sorry, I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd come by, see... Mrs. Wallace: No problem at all. This is great. So what are you guys up to? Michael: I don't know. David: Uh, but maybe, uh - actually, you know, I think maybe we'll go outside. May -maybe we'll go outside. [drumming intensifies] Outside. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: There was one thing we were curious about, uh, your flexibility on things like Easter or Memorial Day, because we might want to change our days around a little bit. Jerry: That seems a bit premature, don't you think? I don't even know if I have a space for you yet, and you're already lining up your holiday plans. Jim: Oh, no, sorry. Just, um, we're kind of planners. But we're also flexible too, so you know what? Maybe we can just discuss it when the time comes. Jerry: Yeah, if the time comes, we can discuss it. Pam: Is this because Jim walked in on you going to the bathroom? Jim: What? Jerry: Seriously? You told her? Jim: Did it? It might have come up while we were waiting for you. Jerry: And you - you thought that might have something to do with how the meeting is going? Jim: No. Pam: Maybe, because it doesn't seem to be going super well. Jerry: Well, you didn't consider the fact that it might not be going super well just because it might not be going super well? Pam: Nope. 'Cause we're really nice people but you don't seem to like us. Jerry: I'm being perfectly pleasant. Did you ever consider that you might not be as charming as you think you are? Jim: Oh, this coming from the guy who still uses a children's toilet? Why didn't you just lock the door, man? Jerry: It doesn't lock for the children's safety. Jim: Anybody could have walked in. Jerry: It was story time. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Sabre is changing everything. [Michael and David sitting in hot tub] Site blockers. They don't let us use cups. So I started thinking, who could handle this? Who would know what to do? David Wallace would know what to do. What should I do, David Wallace? David: I don't know. I mean, what can you do? Michael: Exactly. What are you thinking? David: I, I - It's a tough one. Michael: It is a tough one. David: I don't have any ideas for you there. Michael: Yeah. But one would be good. David: Hey, oh, okay. Wait. Michael: Okay. David: I want to tell you about a business idea I have. Michael: Okay. David: Ok? You know how kids leave their toys everywhere? Okay. So this is a vacuum. It's like a shop-vac type of thing. [imitates vacuum] Teaches kids how to pick up their own toys. Right? Baseball gloves, hacky sacks, drumsticks. [sucking noise] Picks it up! Michael: So the kid's making the noise to pick it up. David: No. No, no, no. That's the -that's the vacuum noise. Michael: Oh, okay. David: You-you don't like it. Michael: No, I think it is- David: No, it's ok. Another guy from Dunder Mifflin, Arnie from Research, he's gonna draw up the prototype. And, uh... It's like shop-vac. [sucking noise] Did I say that? Michael: Yep. David: It'll be ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey, any fun weekend plans? Erin: No, you? Andy: Uh, no, actually. So nothing? No movies, or parties, or anything you might want to invite someone to? Erin: Nothing. It's wide open. Andy: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: That's as hard as I can hint. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Hey, you know, if you want, I'm sure I can get Arnie on board if you wanted to join us for suck it. Work together again. Michael: The what? David: Suck it. That's what it's called. Michael: Oh, okay. David: Huh? Catchy. Kids'll love it. Michael: Like it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There are very few things that would make me not want to team up with David Wallace. And Suck It is one of 'em. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: See you later. [hugs Wallace] David: Oh, Michael. Michael: Bye now. David: Thank you for coming. Michael: Thanks for having me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well, that's not the David Wallace that I remember. [reverses out of driveway, Wallace follows him] That is some sort of weird creature that lives in David Wallace's house. Oh, my god. Alright. Just get me out of here. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello. [comes in carrying 4 gallons of orange juice and his water bottle] Is anybody home? Oh, thank you, Erin. Now if everyone would please ready their canteens, so I can fill them with the sweet, sweet nectar of Gabe's homeland, and then propose a toast. Here we go. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know when people say getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them? I feel sorry for those people. That's the best thing? Really? Ugh. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well, I'm not really one for making speeches. Everyone: Yes. Yes, you are. You make a lot. Michael: But I feel pretty good right now. I really do. A lot better than I did earlier. Let me tell you. Angela: That's your toast? Michael: No. This is my toast. I think this whole thing with Sabre is going to work out. I have a very good feeling about it. Phyllis: Michael, this isn't a toast. You're just thinking out loud. Michael: Here's my toast. Orange juice is in here. And, like Saber, it is from Florida, and it is good. Kevin: Just 'cause you have liquid that doesn't make it a toast. Michael: Here's the toast. I'm gonna do it now. Raise your container to us and to Sabre. All: To us and to Sabre. Michael: Mm. Wow. That is metallicy. Ugh. That's like drinking a battery. Ah, really gets you in the fillings, doesn't it? Okay, anyway, welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] [David Wallace at keyboard, Teddy playing drums] David: [singing] Well, it's a mess, what a mess. What you gonna do? You're going to take out your Suck It and you suck it. Suck it. Yeah, take out your Suck It and you suck it. Teddy: Suck it! David: Yeah! Teddy: Suck it! David: Yeah! Teddy: Suck it! David: Yeah! Take out the Suck It and we'll... Teddy: Suck it! David: Yeah! Teddy: Suck it! David: Yeah! Both: Take out my Suck It and we'll suck it. David: Yeah! Teddy! Teddy: Yeah. [high-five each other]

Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who has difficulties accepting the new policies of Sabre? A: Jo Bennett; Q: Who is the CEO of Sabre? A: David Wallace; Q: Who does Michael go to for advice? A: a sad unemployed depression; Q: What is David Wallace in? A: Pam; Q: Who goes with Jim to the interview? A: a local daycare center; Q: Where do Jim and Pam go for an interview? Summary: Michael has difficulties accepting the new policies of Sabre and its CEO Jo Bennett ( Kathy Bates ). Michael goes to David Wallace for advice, but he finds David in a sad unemployed depression. Jim and Pam go for an interview for a local daycare center. Both Erin and Andy wait for the other to make the next move.

[Bachelorette party. Mel and Lindz drink beers and whoop it up. Someone's playing with fire. Girls dance with their titties out. Leda raises a shot to them. Girls dance wearing strap-ons. Half-naked girls make out. Someone pours a shot over a dildo. She sucks off the girl's strap-on. Mel and Lindz just point and stare. Leda is also fully clothed. She walks over to Mel and Lindz.] Leda: Having fun? Mel: Oh, it's amazing. Lindsay: I didn't realized that this party are this wild. Leda: It's a warm-up for your honeymoon. C'mon, follow the Leda. [Leda pulls Mel and Lindz up to a bar.] Mysterious Marilyn: Is this the happy couple? Leda: Sick, isn't it? Their want their fortune cards. Mysterious Marilyn: Please, am I not a gipsy queen. I am a trained tarotion. So, should we see what the cards have stored? [The girls both touch the cards, and Marilyn goes to work flipping cards on the table and murmuring, "Uh huh."] Mysterious Marilyn: When is the special day? Mel: This saturday. Mysterious Marilyn: Oh, oh. Mel: What? Mysterious Marilyn: I'm sorry girls, but can't possible get married this saturday. Didn't you know? Mercury is in retrograde. A time of an extreme imbalance in the universe. Like the evil, miss communication, missunderstandings, resulting, inserious discord for everyone. Mel: Yeah, does it rain? Mysterious Marilyn: No, it will be a total disaster. But on a positive note, you'll redecorate your dining room around June in aqua and maroon and it will be stunning. [Cut to a pinball machine, where Michael's playing a mean pinball.] Michael: So, we have two dykes who have everything! Brian: Dykes don't have everything. That's why they're so miserable. Michael: I can't buy them a pen1s transplantation. It's a little pricy for a poor shoppeople like myself. Ted: Silver plated dental dams? Emmett: Two a specially-engraved double-headed dildo? Ben: How about stemware? Emmett: Honey, dildos are stemware. Justin: A water buffalo. Michael: What? Justin: Lesbians are into endangered species. Brian: Yeah, unfortunately they are one of them. Michael: We need to get something that shows we cared, something special. Emmett: Well, I go shopping with you but I'm actually picking up a very special gift for myself. Yes, boys, I have finally saved up enough cash whacking away at Teddy's website to buy my this brand new ass that I want it. Michael: You really getting plastic surgery? Ted: You could end up the next cosmetic victom. Ben: Yeah it's true, what if they make a mistake? Brian: Yeah, like axing away your asshole? Emmett: Well, you have to chew me a new one. You so good at it. Ben: At least wait a week until Mercury's out of retrograde. Justin: What? You actually believing that sh1t? Ben: There are evidence that upheavals in the solar system can affect Earth. Brian: Blaming the planets for your fuck-ups is just an excuse to not to accept responsibility. [The power goes out for a second, but it's not God punishing Brian. It's the hot bartender, who's ready to announce the winner of a charity raffle.] Bartender: Gentlemen, it's time to pick the winner of the Liberty Avenue AIDS hospice charity raffle. Someones gets an all-expense-paid trip for two for this weekend for a "White Party" to Miami! And the luckiest trick in Pittsburgh is...Brian Kinney. Brian: I don't know. The planets don't seem to be f*cking with me. Michael: Oh yeah, how you planed go away and still here to Mel and Lindsay's wedding? [Brian shrugs and walks up to accept his prize.] [Debbie's House.] Vic: Oh, no. [Mikey stops plunging the sink so that he and Debbie can run over.] Debbie: Vic? What's that matter? Michael: You okay, Uncle Vic? Vic: See for yourself. Debbie: They taken your disability benefits away? Vic: And if they take it away there goes my share of our monthly income. Debbie: Goddamit. What's kind of f*cked universe would snatch my brother from the Joseph Dep only they take away our house and home! Michael: Ben says it has something to do with Mercury. Debbie: Oh, does he? Michael: Look, don't panic! I can help out. Vic: No! Michael, this is a sign. If I lose my benefits then...I'll just have to get back to work. Michael: Are you sure? Vic: Once upon a time I was a very decent chef. Debbie: Decent? Decent? Huh! He was another Sara Lee. Vic: I'll take that as a compliment I'm sure as was intend it. It will be tricky finding someone to hire me. Michael: Well, we have a lot restaurants. Vic: There is a lot of chefs. I'm rusty with old skill. And if they find out why I haven't been working there will stop it. Debbie: Would you stop talking yourself out of a job before you get one. What if I get you a shift at the diner? We could work together. [Vic laughs] C'mon. [Emmett is having his ass consultation.] Doc: In selecting your idea it's very important that you will be happy with your choice. Since it will be following you around for a long, long time. Our catalog will help. Emmett: Thanks. Wow, so many choose from. God, I never can be decide. Doc: Well, sometimes it helps to see them in the flesh. My staff haved worked on it and is more than willing to show you our popular models. Emmett: Somebody loves his job. Doc: When you work in a bakery, it's hard to resist the buns. Gerald, tell the boys to come in. [Marching drum music kicks in as three men in matching khaki uniforms line up and shut the office door.] Doc: Mr.Honeycutt have difficult to make up his mind. [The boys all drop their pants.] Emmett: Wow, there also beautiful. Doc: I also did them all myself. Now also did their asses. So, did a close look. Feel free to touch. Firm flexibility are key factores. Emmett: Hello georcious, it's a great gift. You could stretch it out and it still hold the shape. God, there also tempting, Dr.Beamer. But I don't know how it look good on me. Doc: If you prefer, we could do a custome design, of course this would be extra. Emmett: And that is not the time to sit on wallet. Let's do it. Doc: Good! [Mel's on the phone with someone who has lost an order.] Mel: We faxed our orders weeks ago. Weeks ago! Many ago! Look, is someonethere who speaks English as a first language? Oh, Lindsay! Gus just eating the seating plan! What do you going to served my twenty-four no-date, kosher guests? [Lindsay's hyperventilating. Mel hangs up on the person she's been insulting and comes over to Lindsay's side.] Mel: Sweetheart, oh my god. Lindsay: [gasps] Help... panic... attack! Mel: Oh, my god! Lindsay: I...look... I can't even put on my shoe! [Mel dumps a bunch of toys off the couch and sits Lindsay down.] Lindsay: I'm not gonna get into my dress! [Brian comes in.] Brian: I thoughed we agreed no lesbo s*x in front of the kid. Mel and Linds: f*ck off, Brian! Brian: Fine, I comes by to let you know that I can't come to the wedding. I go to the White Party in Miami instead. Later. Lindsay: You can't ditch my special day! Mel: You are a selfish prick! Brian: As usuall objectivity follows to me, think. You don't really want me to be there. I'll be drunk, I'll be bored, not to mention better looking than the brides. And whatever I'll f*ck every guy, gay, straight, finally I pass out naked bitching you. You loose your dignity, your friends and your shirts. Well, I'm doing you a favor when I'm going out of town. Lindsay and Mel: Have a safe trip! [Ted and Michael are goin' down Liberty Avenue looking for a wedding present.] Ted: I can't go on. We've walked about half of hundred blocks and a hundred hours... Michael: Like two blocks and eleven minutes. Ted: It seems a lot longer when you shopping for lesbians. Michael: I still say a wedding gift should be romantic, you know like this. Ted: Lingerie? I thought you said romantic. You wanna get two dykes a romantic gift? Get them this. Michael: Power tools? That's romentic? Ted: For dykes they are. Oh for only $409 these beauties are steel. Michael: Only? I'm can barely afford a screw. Ted: Well fortunately you have Ben. I'll covered and we say it's from both of us. Michael: I can't let you do this. Ted: I can afford it. I've got to go back to the studio. We got a threeway at half past four or was it a fourway at half past three? Here, take this. Michael: What I am supposed to get? The power tools or the lingerie? Ted: You decide. Whatever you pick I'm sure it'll be the perfect gift. Bye. [Michael's about to walk into the power tools store when some music from The Lion King starts up and Michael's mysteriously drawn to an alley. There's a Jamaican-kinda man in the alley. He's got a blanket covered with statues.] Man: Hello mon. Welcome. Come take a lookie. Michael: These are amazing! Where they are from? Man: From a little country of Africa, right next to Chad, called Chuck. My people lived up there for centuries in peace and harmony, making love and art. [Michael's drawn to one particular female statue that's got drooping titties down to her ankles.] Man: Isn't she beautiful? Her name is Chasorey - God of Love and Pray. Michael: How much is she? Man: 600. Michael: I only have five. Man: There will be six hundred Chuck Dollars is five hundred america dollar. [Brian's loft. Brian's going through his wardrobe looking for the perfect clothes to the White Party.] Brian: Competition, world class. Wardrobe crucial, zero. So long Pittsburgh, hello Miami Vice. [Brian throws the clothes at Justin, who's laying on the bed.] Justin: I thoughed all-expense-paid fuckfest was just for the weekend. Brian: Well each party has his own theme. And it's a strickt dress code. The White Party - 15.000 horny queer all in white. Justin: I'll be busy too. I pay due paperwork in art. Brian: Then there is the muscle beach party. Justin: Then I go to the laundry and of course the wedding. Brian: And don't forget the Cabana boy contest. Justin: I have to remember to write my grandmother. Brian: f*ck! I've got dicks all along out on bash. Justin: We've even need clothes buy then? Brian: I left you a ticket on the sale bar. Justin: You're taking me? Brian: You can tear yourself from grannys letter. Justin: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! sh1t! What I'm gonna wear? [Babylon. Hot kissing dancing guys. Our boys are simply staring at their places on the catwalk.] Michael: You are not gonna believe what I've got, what we've got them. Ted: What? What is it? Michael: It's a surprise. [to Brian] What you get them? Brian: The best gift of all - my absence. Emmett: Allright judges, I'm gonna need a final decision. Which of the following three choices will it be? [Emmett brings three pictures of his potential fake ass.] Ben: If you choose number one, it will be exactly like Michael. Brian: If you take number two you looked like the rear-end of a '72 Impala. Ted: Number three is pert and perky, but probably too small for the rest of your features. Emmett: Perhaps I need an artists opinion. Justin, which do you find to be the most estheticly pleasing? Justin: This one. It's a great function into the hole and the same time with a good taste. Brian: He doesn't want an ass with good taste; he wants an ass that tastes good. Emmett: [to Justin] Thank you, sweetheart. Well boys, shall we dance? Brian: I need my rest for the White Party. Ted: Now you're over thirty, should should go to the Grey Party? Michael: I thought you should go to Mel and Lindsay's wedding. Brian: You're be there. You can cry for both of us. [Brian walks off. Michael follows. Ben just stands there, getting as ignored as any of Michael's previous boyfriends. On the stairs, Michael and Brian, both all alone.] Michael: You know, everytimes something big happens, my f*cking thirties birthday party, we're loose of Brian Kinney's bail. Why is that? Brian: Well that's a retorable question, not you got an answer. Michael: You know what I think it is? I think you afraid to let anyone know that you loved that. That you have feelings like the rest of us. It's okay to be human, you know. Brian: OK. You know the reason why I bail? The truth is I rather get laid. Are you done? [Brian plants a big one on Michael's mouth and then leaves.] Ben: He always kiss you like that? Michael: About four times a year, usually when he's really drunk or he wants me to shut up. [Liberty Diner. Debbie's teaching Vic how to take an order.] Debbie: I stick it, and spin. OK? Now when it's ready, you plaid them, you drop the tab on the dish, you throw it here and then you ring the bell. Got it? Vic: Stick it, spin them, drop it. Debbie: What I tell you? Shorter and you will be on the chef! Vic: Just faster! Debbie: Hey, we've got hustler in our blood. OK, I'm gonna give you a first tip - no matter what happens don't panic. Just take your time. OK? Your worst is f*cking good enough for this job. OK? [A pouty Mel and Lindz walk into the diner and plop down on some stools.] Mel: Hey Debbie, we need a couples black coffees to go. Lindsay: They were special engraved with our names on them and everything. Debbie: I hate to tell you girls, but for the happy couple your looking miserable. Mel: Rosenbergs juwelers called. They can't find our wedding rings. Justin: You can use my nipple rings. There very valuable to me. Lindsay: Thanks honey, but it wouldn't be the same. Mel: Listen, we're not going to let Mercury or anything else to f*ck up our wedding. Everythings go ahead as planned. Justin: Not exactly everything. Lindsay: More "good" news? Justin: Brian invited me to the White Party. Debbie: And you said?! Justin: That I go? It's a once in a life-time thing! Debbie: So is getting married. Of course there are no hot bodies, no drugs, no dotzen dicks. Just two people saying "I do". You right. How could it possibly compare?! Lindsay: It's okay. After all Justin went through. Mel: He deserves a break. Have a great time. [Outside the diner.] Mel: Oh that f*cking Brian! Is not bad enough he's not coming he have to pull back our ring bearer as well. Lindsay: It doesn't matter. We don't have rings. [Linds cell phone rings.] Lindsay: Hello? I'm sorry what?! Mel: It must be the caterer. Listen, your bleeding asshole! I'm a lawyer, we have a contract. We'll sue. Oh, that word you understand. [she hangs up] Lindsay: Something wrong? Mel: The caterer and the hall have been shut down by the health department for salmonella poisoning. Lindsay: Oh, is that all? [Lindsay gets another panic attack and has to lie down on a bus bench that advertises a funeral home.] [Ted's Porno Imperium. Michael shows Ted his gift for the wedding.] Ted: You spend $500, my $500 on that?! Michael: It was a steal. Ted: Yeah, and I'm the one who got robbed! Just take it back. Michael: I can't take it back. Ted: What store you have buy that? Michael: I don't get in from a store. Ted: Were did you get it? Michael: From a blanket. Ted: A blanket?! You bought Lindsay's and Melanie's wedding gift from some streetcorner cheister?! Michael: It's from Chuck. It's a little country next the Chad. Ted: Chuck! Chad! They sound like a couple of homos! Michael: It's the perfect gift! Ted: Perfectly hideous. Michael: It's a work of art. Ted: It's a piece of sh1t! Michael: It's symbolic of love and pride. Ted: It's symbolic of stupidity and bad taste. Michael: You take that back! Ted: I can't! I got it off a bwaaan-ket! Michael: Look, the next time you wanna buy a gift buy it yourself! Ted: That is why I'm coming you for! Michael: You're too busy to bringing joy through the world! Ted: Yeah, that's why I'm success! Michael: You can take your success and shove it and I'm sure you won't have any trouble figuring out where. Ted: Yeah! I'll just ask Chuck and Chad! [Emmett and Schickle are swimming in Schickle's private pool.] Emmett: Sorry George, I made up my mind. George: But you have such a beautiful bottom. I said, besides you are too young. Plastic surgery is for foolish old man or refuse to old grace. Emmett: What about Michael Jackson? And Elizabeth Taylor? And Cher? George: Well, I can't speak for their backside, only yours. Emmett: Thank you. But in my world, if you don't look like a stepped out Calvin Klein underwear ad, you're nothing. George: Well, that's a world so unhappy to know. Emmett: Not to mention it make me feel better by myself. You know, raise my self-esteem George: My wife Virginia feeled simerarely. Sheself zipped and clipped and it should be change her life to. Emmett: And did it? George: She was the same miserable c**t she always was, only without the rankles. Emmett, forgive me. But anyone who valuells himself because of their ass, is an ass. [Diner. Chaos. Debbie's trying to placate everyone.] Debbie: I'm so sorry you still waiting. More coffee? It's on the house. You're order is next, I promise you. Guest: All I want is a hamburger! Debbie: Your order has been abducted by aliens, so don't give me those dirty looks! [There's a shattering noise from the kitchen as an extra tries to talk to Debbie. Debbie's banging the bell trying to get Vic's attention.] Debbie: Hey, I got orders coming out of my ass! A hungry homocides and don't a clean place to order my set up! What in the f*ck is goin' on back here?! Vic: You don't to have yell, I'm right here. Debbie: You think you could do a grilled cheese in under an hour?! Vic: You told me to take my time. Debbie: I didn't mean your f*cking life-time! Vic: I can't do it! Debbie: Where you goin'? Vic: Home. Debbie: You can't let me here like this! Vic: You're better off. I'm useless. I'm worse than useless. I'm ridiculous! [Mel and Lindsays living room.] Mel: Honey. There is no way we can squeeze that many guests into a house. Lindsay: Baby. We could move all of the furniture into the garage. Mel: Lambskin. You'd have my thousand-year-old aunt stand all night. Lindsay: Puddin' pie. She has a walker. She can lean. Mel: And what if somehow, my little love button, we manage to overcome the laws of physical science and pack them all in. What the f*ck are they going to see besides each other's nose hair? Lindsay: You're not even trying to make this work. Mel: And you're not even trying to make sense! Lindsay: There's no need to be abusive. Mel: I wasn't being abusive. I was merely expressing frustration. Lindsay: So now I'm frustrating? Mel: I didn't say that! Ugh! [Leda shows up with the dry cleaning which is of course f*cked up.] Leda: Leda's, here. Your's Mel. And what was your's Linds. Apparently the dry cleaning solution was to... Lindsay: There's...no need to explain. At this point in the plot, we all get it. Leda: But the good news is they give you one hundred dollars in the coupons. Lindsay: Hurray! Mel: We will find you something else to wear, Boo boo. And we will have our special f*cking day, goddammit. Even if we have to do it nude in the backyard. [Instead they just cue the thunderstorm. Gus cries.] Lindsay: Or maybe we can face reality. I think Mysterious Marelyn was right. Leda: Not that Mercury in retrograde sh1t again! Lindsay: Our wedding is been methodicly insisted deconstruct it. If you ask me, somebody up there doesn't think we should get married. Maybe there's a reason. Maybe that's because people like us aren't supposed to get married. Mel: Like us? Lindsay: Do you need roof to cave in? [Brian's in a tanning bed. The door yanks open. The camera focuses on a sobbing Melanie.] Brian: I'm reminded on a scene from "Alien". One of the great AIDS metaphor flicks of all time. A intrappted intergalaxtical carbige collectors led by über-bitch dyke. They sleep on their way back home as suddenly the monsters appears. Mel: [cries] The wedding's off. Brian: You two finally come to your senses? That's almost reason to end up by my basecoats. Mel: It's because of Lindsay. She... She... Brian: She what? Mel: It's all... Mysterious Marilyn... Mercury in retrograde... and the rings... and the foot... and the hall... and the dress. She thinks the wedding's not supposed to happen because...because we're gaaaaaaaaaaaay! Brian: Christ! Send in a faggot to do a dyke's work. [SCENE_BREAK] [everyone's waiting at Brian's apartment while he's still putting on a robe.] Brian: We have precisely twenty-one hours to get the munchers married. [All chatters together.] Brian: Nobody knows wedding should be get queers but we're the florist, the caterist, the planners, the designers, the servers, the formers, even the f*cking priests. Justin: The means himself. Brian: When everybody can do it, we're can and we will and time for me to make my flight. Ted: Don't you think this is a awfully imbishes? Michael: Want you leave it up everybody else to critizise. Ted: If we left it up to you, they be getting married on a blanket on a street corner. Brian: Yo, bitch, telling these later? I don't care how you do it but you two are responisble for staffing and flowers and decoration. Emmett, you find us a place. Emmett: Oh, how about the Liberty Bath? They have a fabulous partyroom. Brian: Deb, you pulled together something to wear? Debbie: I'd loved to. Oh, I can just see it with some flowers and bows and ribbons and squirrel tails... [Brian give her a look] Maybe more simple. Brian: Vic, you're up for the cake. Vic: My cooking's a recipe for disaster. Debbie: He'd be great! If they were getting married a year from now. Justin: Don't worry Vic, I help you. Brian: OK, great. Get to work. Ted: Hold on Kinney, what are you doin'? Brian: I'm getting my beauty rest. Goodbye! [Michael follows Brian into his bedroom.] Brian: Not tonight, dear . I'm saving myself to Miami. Michael: Correct me if I'm wrong I thoughed you don't give a sh1t about your friends. You only care about getting laid. Brian: I never will hear the word "wedding" again. Michael: You're pathetic! [He kisses Brian] [George and Emmett in his place.] Emmett: Uh, hello. Zanzibar? Yes, I'd like to book a wedding on a private room? You can? Oh, you can?! Oh, wonderful. OK. That will be for about eighty. Tonight. [you can hear the laughter from the other end] George: Any luck? Emmett: I have tried A-Z. I'm afraid there is no such thing as an instant wedding. George: If I may made a suggestion? Emmett: Be my wedding guest. George: Well, it's nothing trendy but the price is right. [Big, giant empty ballroom that's in a wing of George's mansion.] Emmett: Holy Xanadu. George: Well, it was only used for my daughter's wedding. Frankie. Emmett: Frankie? George: Yeah Virginia named her after have a modern product. It was one of the heaviest days in my life. Emmett: Well, sounds to my, honey, this place is do for a party. George: I can't think of a more appropriated occasion of your friends wedding. I filled this room with exotic flowers. I'll bring Pittsburghs symphony. Emmett: That's very kind, as usual, but I kinda take this all by myself. To give Mel and Lindsay's the most fabulous wedding two girls ever had. George: That's also very kind, as usual. How can you afford it? Emmett: My tush found. George: Your burst your bubble butt dream? Emmett: Well, if you don't mind to bump your eye so I think this think are goes a few more miles. Thank you. Now, I have only hours ago! [Debb's house. Debbie sewing. Vic and Justin are in the kitchen. Vic breaks an egg and curses.] Vic: Oh sh1t! Debbie: What happened? Vic: Nothing! [Vic breaks something else and curses again.] Vic: f*ck! Debbie: Now what?! Justin: It's me, Deb! I'm a fool. Vic: You think I never set a foot in the kitchen before. Justin: Just need to relax. Vic: It's more than that. I've been out of the world too long, I can't go back. Debbie: You're right, you can't. Christ would you look at this mess! You are the f*cking sadest horrored- luck case I have ever seen! Justin: Debbie! Debbie: Get back in your room. Or better get find a train to fall under. At least I get the insurance. Sunshine, get your jacket, let's go. Vic: Where are you goin'? Debbie: Where did you think? To the bakery. You're promised the girls a wedding cake, didn't you? Vic: You can't just go into a bakery any buy a wedding cake! There aren't special! Debbie: So we'll gettin' a bon voyage cake or a birthday cake or a f*cking bar mizvah cake! Any cake are be better than a dry-out brick that your doin'! Vic: How dare are you calling my hazelnut buttercreme a dry-out brick?! [Debbie goes to the hall. Vic begins to work and Justin follows Debbie.] Justin: You did all that on purpose, didn't you? Debbie: How did you think I got him to live in the first place? I skip screaming, 'so f*cked and die already'. It's worth like a charme. Justin: He never figured it out? Debbie: Apparently not. Vic: [screams] Justin I need these eggs white beatin'! Debbie: And as for you, you're not being another Brian Kinney? Always running away from love you have never attord then you go to Miami and f*ck your little twinkie brains out. But it's never get you happy! Justin: Nice try, Debbie. Debbie: Wait a minute! Alright, you're under me. But one day you're gonna look back and you regret that you don't go to the wedding. With your family. And that's the truth, Sunshine. That's the truth. [Mel and Linds bedroom. Mel's opening curtains, blasting the bedroom in sunlight.] Mel: French Toast with fresh strawberries, bacon crumbles and maple syrup, coffee made with the really good beans, and peaches peeled because the fuzz makes Lindsay's teeth itch. Lindsay: No thanks. Mel: Baby please, you have to eat. Lindsay: What for? Mel: Maybe to keep your strength up to feel miserable. Have a strawberry. Lindsay: No! Mel: C'mon, Lulu. Lindsay: Stop it! Mel: Stop what? Lindsay: Being so sweet! Mel: I can't help it, impulsive-adorable disorder. [Brian just walks in.] Brian: Alright, get up! Mel: What the f*ck are you doin' here? Brian: C'mon, move your asses! Lindsay: What for? Brian: You getting married. [Brian pulls up in his Jeep at the Schickle mansion. Emmett, George, and two servants greet the ladies.] Brian: C'mon, get up! Move on. Get up! Emmett: Miss Marcus, Miss Petersen? Welcome to your wedding. Let me to introduce our greacuest host my dear-dear friend George Schickle. Mel and Lindsay: Oh Schickle Pickles? George: The pleasure is mine and my home is yours today. Brian: OK, enough chat. Go and made make up and hair. [Ted's decorating a table and Mikey brings the ugly statue in that room.] Ted: No, no, no, no. You're not bringing this hides thing in here! Michael: I certainly I am. Ted: Not if I have anything to say about it! Michael: Who gives a sh1t what you have to say about it? Ted: I'm the one who pay for this waste of wood. Michael: Don't worry about it. I'm paying you back and I'm gonna give this the girls myself! What do you think about that?! Ted: I think you're an idiot for picking this in the first place. Michael: And you are a dickheat for make me feel like an idiot. Emmett: Boys, boys, we're still discuss about this statue? God, she must been by doctor Beamer. Ted: Yeah see? Emmett agree it's a joke! Emmett: I didn't say that. Other will say it's not worth destroying your friendship over. [The dressing room.] Mel: No, Debbie, I can do my own hair! Debbie: I can tell. You need more Bella Donna less Bitchy Boochy. Mel: Next thing you said I end up in a pony bra and lipliner. [Brian walks in, and the girls squeal like he's the groom.] Mel and Lindsay: Brian! Brian: I the one who should screaming. Debbie: Aren't you supposed to be off somewhere, sticking your... pena in some...colada? Brian: I need a few minutes with the brides? Alone. Debbie: You make this fast? I get them dressed. [Debbie leaves the room.] Mel: I hear your the one who's responsible for this? Brian: I would say a lying asshole who told you this. Here. [he tosses a box to Lindsay] Mel: Oh Brian, exact like the ones who have lost! Lindsay: Complete with the inscription! [She kisses Brian, and Mel gives Brian a couple of punches to the arm to show him how cool she thinks he's being.] Brian: Hey, don't get moist. Mel: I'm gonna call the sitter to make sure Gus is alright. [Lindsay takes this moment to put on her wedding gown.] Lindsay: I can't believe the guys did this in the last minute. So, you packed? Brian: Two pays undeeds. Lindsay: Excited? Brian: My pecker's all a-twitter. Lindsay: Here, help my unbotton this. Isn't it amazing? Debbie just whipped it up. With the help of some mice and bluebirds. Brian: Oh, yeah. I'm sorry I don't be there and see you. Lindsay: No, you're not! I'm sure you're have a fabulous time. Hey, we're both are in white! Just be careful. [Brian hands her two tickets.] Brian: Lindsay. It's your wedding present. All-expense-paid trip for two to Miami. Trade it in for a later flight. Have a honeymoon, I'll take care of Gus. Lindsay: But you don't wanna be here. You said yourself you get drunk, make a scene, pass out. Brian: Would you take those f*cking tickets? Lindsay: No! I want you to go! It would'nt be right for you to stay. Brian Kinney sacrifising for others, trapped in a hideous display of sentimentality. It would loose our faith, our hope. What kind of gift is that? I want you to f*ck lots of beautiful guys. No apologies. No regrets. It's the best gift you could give me, knowing you're happy. [Brian kisses Lindsay for a long time. Brian leaves to room.] Lindsay: I love you too, Brian. [Justin and Brian walk through the mansion.] Justin: This marriage stuff is kinda cool. I was thinking. Maybe some day... Brian: What? You and I? Justin: Yeah, strange things could happen. Brian: Not really. But you need a f*cking at the beach. Justin: Hey, I can't go. Brian: You forget your underwear? Justin: I wanna go to the wedding. Brian: For Lindsay and Melanie? Justin: For me. I want to be a part of it. I wanna see their faces when they say 'I do.' Give Emmett clinex, consult Debbie. You know she's gonna be a mess. Brian: So, you standing me up to see two dykes tie an eye? Justin: Yeah, I guess I am. Your angry? Brian: I think you are a selfish, heartless asshole. Keep up the good work. [The wedding room. Michael and Ted glare at each other from the congregation. Mel and Lindz walk in together, holding hands. Mel's in a disco tux; the shirt is silk and totally unbuttoned. Everyone turns and murmurs. Justin wears a blue shirt. Mel and Lindz stand under the Chupah as the non-denominational woman prepares to start the ceremony.] woman: Friends, family, welcome to the celebration of a loving life-time commitment of Melanie and Lindsay. They've ask me to thank you for beginnig witness todays ceremony and to join them in recognizing it as true and finding expression of their devotion to there other. Melanie. Mel: Honey. I wasn't sure we'd make it here today. But thanks to our friends -- or, I should say, our family -- not even the stars or the planets could keep us from exchanging our vows. I love you, Lindsay Peterson. I will fight for you. I will protect you. You are my Beschert. woman: Lindsay. Lindsay: Melanie, with so much love and support around us, I really do believe there is no obstacle, no problem we can't overcome together in friendship and in love. Our hearts will be eternally united. I love you, Melanie Marcus. woman: May I have the rings? [Justin gives Lindsay and Melanie the rings as Ben puts his arm around Michael.] woman: Melanie, do you take Lindsay to be your wife? Mel: I do. woman: Lindsay, do you take Melanie to be your wife? Lindsay: I do. woman: By the power who invested in me, by the love of those symbol I declare to the world that you are married in our eyes. You can seal this with a little suck-face. [The girls kiss without tongue as some music starts up. Everyone stands and applauds. Michael and Ted make up.] Ted: I was wrong. It was the perfect gift. Michael: It's a piece of sh1t. Ted: It's work of art. Michael: What they are gonna do with an africaan lovecut? Ted: They are look at it and say, 'our friends Michael and Ted give that to us because their love us.' Michael: And then they'll stick it in the garage. Ted: Yeah, they'll stick it in the garage. [Mel and Lindz feed each other cake. Two brides on top of that one.] Vic: Isn't this cake a hit? Debbie: I never had a doubt. Vic: For a while I wasn't sure I had the right ingreedience. Emmett: Attention... attention everyone. As official misstress of ceremonies it is my pleasure to announce the throwing of the bouquet. You know the drill. Your catch it, your next. [Everyone gets ready. Justin and Emmett fight for positioning. Lindsay throws...] [...and Brian catches it at the White Party in Miami. It's Babylon with a different scrim dropped in the background with fake palm trees lining the dance floor. We watch a drag queen dressed in a wedding gown dance in the glitter. She throws a kiss at us.] Music: # Let the Music Use You Up from Celeda

Plan: A: a day; Q: What is the length of Lindsay and Melanie's wedding? Summary: It's time for Lindsay and Melanie's wedding! It promises to be a day of beauty and love, provided they can overcome the many obstacles fate throws in their path. Brian, Emmett, Ted, George, Vic, Debbie, Michael, and Justin all pitch in to make sure they succeed.

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT] (Sara walks through the hallway. Her arm is in a sling. She walks past the Print Lab. Mandy looks up from her worktable and watches her go.) (Sara continues through the hallway.) (She walks past the Trace Lab. Hodges looks up from his work and watches her go.) [INT. CSI - ECKLIE'S OFFICE - CONTINUING] (Ecklie closes the file folder. He's on the phone waiting for someone to pick up.) (Sara appears in the doorway and knocks lightly on the door to get Ecklie's attention. He looks up and motions her inside as he stands up at his desk.) Conrad Ecklie: (to Sara) Have a seat. (The line clicks and the recorded message switches on.) Grissom: (answering machine) This is Grissom. Conrad Ecklie: (to Sara) How's the arm? Grissom: (answering machine) Please leave a detailed message after the tone. Sara: Fractured in two places. (Sara sits down.) (The machine beeps.) Conrad Ecklie: (to phone) Gil, Conrad again. Um ... message number three. Call me back please. (He smiles at her and hangs up.) Conrad Ecklie: It's feeling better? Sara: Yeah. Conrad Ecklie: Good. (beat) Conrad Ecklie: So, you must know where he is. Sara: Actually, I don't. Conrad Ecklie: Really? (He picks up his folder.) Conrad Ecklie: Okay ... um ... Look, I don't want to play any games here. This is as difficult for me as it is for you. (He closes the office door.) Conrad Ecklie: So let's just ... uh ... get this over with, shall we? (He sits down on the other side of his desk and opens his notebook.) Conrad Ecklie: Okay then ... uh ... this is an administrative inquiry. You and your supervisor were in direct violation of lab policy ... Sara: (corrects) "Are." Conrad Ecklie: "Are" in direct violation of lab policy, which states that members of the same forensic team may not engage in a romantic relationship. So when did you and Supervisor Grissom begin your relationship? Sara: We've always had a relationship. Conrad Ecklie: I mean, when did you become intimate? Sara: Two years ago. I think it was a Sunday. (HOLD on ECKLIE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROAD - NIGHT] (SLOW MOTION. VIEW of the desert road at a SLOW 360 degree turn. For the moment, WE are the OBJECT turning.) MUSIC STARTS: "An der Schonen Blauden Donau," Op. 314 (On the Beautiful Blue Danube") by Johann Strauss (A round object comes into view. It rolls and turns as it bounces off the pavement and continues down the road.) (The round object bounces along the pavement, leaving dark, circular splotches on the road.) (A truck heads its way and it hits the bouncing object.) SIDE VIEW (Like a basketball, the bouncing object bounces against the truck and the pavement until the truck passes over it.) TOP VIEW DOWN (The object stops in the middle of the road.) -- AND NIGHT TURNS INTO DAY - (The object hasn't moved.) (Another truck passes by, knocking the round object off the road.) (The object skips and hits the pavement as it heads over to a group of highwaymen in orange vests cleaning the roadside.) (The object bounces off the pavement and onto the dirt, where it rolls to a STOP right in front of one of the men.) (He looks and sees that it's a HEAD in a football HELMET.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADSIDE - DAY] (Grissom leans forward and looks at the head closely. Yep, it's a head. The helmet is for the SVHS cobras.) Det. Ezekiel Holstein: (o.s.) Sagebrush Valley High School. (Detective Ezekiel Holstein and Nick look closely at the head in the helmet.) Ezekiel Holstein: The Cobras. Nick: He looks like he could still be in high school. Boy, football's gotten a lot more brutal since my playing days. Ezekiel Holstein: Yeah, where's the rest of him, still on the field? (Nick looks down the long stretch of highway before them.) Nick: There's no high school football fields around here anyway. What do you think, Grissom? (Grissom studies the head.) Grissom: "Ichabod was horror-struck on perceiving that he was headless." [Note: "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow," by Washington Irving] (Nick grins and looks at Holstein.) HOLD on the HEAD. SMASH CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADSIDE - DAY] (Grissom's phone rings. He's still at the crime scene and he steps away to check it.) INCOMING CALL CONRAD ECKLIE (Grissom shuts his phone without answering it. He walks over to Nick who is in the middle of the road looking at the bloodstain.) Nick: Blood pool tells me the helmet must've been here for a while. (Grissom looks at the stain.) Grissom: Vehicle tire rolled through it. Helmet has black abrasions on it consistent with being hit by a tire. Nick: Probably got pinballed down the road. (Greg joins them.) Greg: I checked with Traffic. No reports of any traffic accidents near here. Uh, Holstein's getting an absentee list from the high school. (Nick nods.) Grissom: Head's over there. Blood trail leads up from here. We follow the blood. (Grissom starts walking.) (Greg walks up to Nick.) Greg: (low whisper) He say anything about what's happening with Sara? Nick: (shakes his head) No. (They turn and follow Grissom down the road.) (Nick stops, puts an evidence marker down on the road. Greg raises the camera and takes a photo.) VARIOUS DISSOLVES: (Grissom continues looking at the blood trail.) (A camera clicks.) (Grissom points to something.) (The camera shutter clicks again.) (Grissom continues further down the road. Nick and Greg are a little ways behind documenting the blood trail.) (Nick looks out at Grissom, a good distance away from them.) Nick: (to Greg) Hey, did Sara ever say anything to you about her and Grissom? Greg: Not in so many words. Nick: So you knew about the two of them? Greg: (shrugs) Yeah. (Greg continues down the road. Nick spreads his arms wide.) (Meanwhile, Grissom finds more bloodstains on the road. This one veers off to the side. He follows the fluid trail in the dirt. He heads for the bushes and finds a body without a head.) Grissom: Hey! (Nick and Greg appear.) (Nick takes his glasses off and sighs from the smell.) Nick: Where's the uniform? (He kneels next to the body.) If he's not a player, what's with the helmet? (They note that the left hand is missing.) Greg: Maybe he's a rabid fan. There were all kinds of high school games last night. Grissom: Where's his hand? Nick: (o.s.) Got to be around here somewhere. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Nick takes prints off the dead man's hand. The door opens and Robbins walks in.) (In the foreground, David Phillips is struggling to get the helmet off the body.) Robbins: The hand -- where did you find it? Nick: Twenty yards away, two hours later. (David isn't having any success with getting the head out of the helmet. Robbins goes to check on him.) Robbins: David, he doesn't look prepped. What's taking so long? David Phillips: I can't get the helmet off. Nick: I better get this ten-card to Mandy right away. (Nick leaves with the print card. Robbins puts his cane aside and assists.) (Robbins holds the head; David holds the helmet and they pull.) Robbins: Hold it. (They get the head out of the helmet. Robbins sighs.) Robbins: His face looks like hamburger. (Robbins snaps photos of the victim's face.) (He picks up the envelope and comb. He combs the debris from the hair into the envelope. Some black powder falls into the envelope.) David Phillips: I found the same black powder on his clothes. (Robbins looks at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY/ PRINT LAB - NIGHT] (Nick walks into the print lab and gives the card to Mandy.) Nick: Hey, Mandy. I got a ten-card on our John Doe. Mandy: Well, let's see if it matches the safe-kit that Holstein brought in. Only have one more kid unaccounted for at that high school. (Mandy takes the envelope from Nick and heads into her lab.) Nick: Hey, if you had a kid, would you collect a safe-kit on them? Mandy: Why not? It's better to be prepared. Think of it as a cheap insurance policy. (Mandy visually checks the two sets of prints.) Mandy: It's just a print card, a cheek swab and a photo. Nick: Then go to bed every night hoping you don't have to use it. Mandy: Mm ... well, there's a match. Your John Doe is Vincent Bartley. Nick: Yeah? Mandy: Yeah. (She hands Vincent Bartley's file to Nick.) Nick: Okay, good. Thanks. (He heads out.) Mandy: You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. BLIND - LOBBY -- NIGHT] (The place is quiet as people speak in hushed tones. Techs snap photos and officers take statements. An officer talks with two women.) Shasta McCloud: Well, nothing. I mean, it was dark. April Kissimee: It was really dark. (Warrick and Catherine walk in with their kits.) Warrick: One minute we're married, and the next ... Catherine: You know what? Good for you. Divorces should be like Band-Aids, one quick yank and done. (They note the people sitting at the tables.) Warrick: You think? Catherine: Oh, what do I know? Eddie and I stayed together way too long. Every decision was an act of Congress. (Warrick and Catherine leave the main room and turn into the dining area.) [INT. BLIND - DINING ROOM - NIGHT] (The officer at the door lets them in. Catherine and Warrick note the food and the tables. They find Brass standing next to the dead body on the floor.) Brass: It's the end of an era, ladies and gentlemen. Hampton Huxley, publisher of Hux magazine -- where boys became men, and men became more manly -- has died. (Catherine puts her kit down as she waits for David Phillips to finish with the body.) Brass: That magazine got me through Vietnam. Warrick: Oh, that would explain the lookers out front. They were Kitties. Brass: Yes, Kitties, indeed. He was dining with a couple of them when he bought the farm. Miss Summer and Miss Winter, I believe. David Phillips: Every male in the Phillips family gets a lifetime subscription to Hux for his Bar Mitzvah. (He turns and looks at the dead body.) David Phillips: I guess my sons will have to settle for a Cross pen. Catherine: I'm sure the magazine will go on without him, Dave. (David nods.) Catherine: What are we looking at? David Phillips: Puncture wound. Um ... no abrasion ring. But I can re-approximate the skin. Catherine: So it's probably not a gunshot. (David nods.) Stabbing? David Phillips: Maybe. Right through the temple, into the brain. Be lights out in seconds. Warrick: It's a crowded restaurant. Somebody must have seen something. Brass: Not exactly. Welcome to the latest fad. Dining in the dark. (Brass holds up the remote. He presses the button and the lights go out. The shades on the windows lower.) Brass: Waiters are blind. No one sees anything. Piece of cake, huh? (The blinds close. Everyone is in the dark.) [BLACK SCREEN] (They hear the soft sounds of footfalls as someone leaves.) Catherine: (V.O.) Did he just leave? Warrick: (V.O.) I think so. David Phillips: (V.O.) Guys? I-I have a dead body here. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BLIND - LOBBY - NIGHT] (TOP VIEW DOWN. A waiter dressed in black walks on screen. The tray of food is illuminated like a work of art. As he walks, the waiter vanishes ... only the food remains as it is carried across the room.) Pippa Sanchez: (V.O.) Dining should be an experience, like opera or art. It should feed the soul as well as the belly. You should smell it, touch it and let it rest on your tongue. VARIOUS IMAGES OF WOMEN EATING Pippa Sanchez: (V.O.) I'm selling sensuality here. I encourage eating with your hands. Texture is crucial. The salty, meaty flesh of lobster drenched in creamy, clarified French butter. The pulpy seeded flesh and firm skin of a fresh fig dipped in honey. The tongue understands four major taste groups - CGI ZOOM INTO THE MOUTH AND HIGH POWERED IMAGE OF THE TASTE BUDS ON THE TONGUE Pippa Sanchez: (V.O.) -- salty, sweet, sour, bitter -- and has over 10,000 taste buds, -- CGI ZAP! PULSES TRAVEL FROM THE NERVES TO THE BRAIN Pippa Sanchez: (V.O.) -- each with a direct connection to the pleasure center of the brain, triggering endorphins. The anticipation and the release of eating good food is chemically quite similar -- END CGI (The chef, Pippa Sanchez, talks with Brass.) Pippa Sanchez: -- to getting high on drugs. Brass: And apparently just as dangerous. (As they talk, a CSI tech takes Pippa's prints. Brass: So tell me what happened. Pippa Sanchez: I don't know. Each one of the waiters has one of those clickers. If there's an emergency, the houselights come up and a red light goes off in the kitchen. (Quick flashback to: A woman screams. The alarm buzzes and Pippa Sanchez comes running out of the kitchen.) Woman: Somebody help! WOMAN: Help! Help him! (Pippa reaches the room and finds the screaming woman standing next to Hampton Huxley on the floor.) Pippa Sanchez: Are you okay? April Kissimee: Hux! Pippa Sanchez: Call 9-1-1. (End flashback.) Brass: Oh, so you didn't see anything? Pippa Sanchez: I'm in the kitchen. I have two sittings a night, at 7:00 and 10:00, average 25 heads, ten courses per. I have no time to pee. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BLIND - DINING ROOM - NIGHT] (Catherine has a floor map of the room and a seating chart.) Catherine: April was here ... and Huxley was here. (She and Warrick are putting name place cards down on the table. They finish with the Huxley table. Catherine puts the chart down. Warrick puts his goggles on and turns on the ALS.) (He checks the overturned chair.) Warrick: Okay. Got blood on the chair. (Catherine picks up a discarded napkin off the floor and looks at it. Warrick finds more blood drops.) Warrick: Blood on the tablecloth. (He works his way around the table.) Warrick: Blood drops on the floor, leading away from Hux's chair. Catherine: Stab him. Extract the weapon-drip, drip, drip. Warrick: And they end here. Catherine: Near Ms. Shasta. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BLIND - LOBBY - NIGHT] (Brass talks with Shasta McCloud, the woman in the black dress, while the woman in the pink dress is there.) Shasta McCloud: Shasta McCloud -- big "M," little "c," big "C," plus "loud." McCloud. April Kissimee: On TV, they never show anyone bleeding from a heart attack. Brass: Is that what you think happened? April Kissimee: Well, yeah. I mean, all that Prevalis and diet soda. I just figured ... Shasta McCloud: April, shh! He was an animal until the day he died, sir. Brass: Uh-huh. April Kissimee: Wait a minute. What did happen? Brass: Well-well, you're the one with blood on you. Maybe you can tell me. April Kissimee: I thought he just fell asleep like he always does at the end of meals. (Quick flashback to: The room is completely dark.) April: (V.O.) Come on! Wake up, Huxey. (April takes out the pink kitten.) April: (v.o., low voice) Wake up, Huxey. Wake up, Huxey-Hux. Come on, it's time to go. Meow, meow! Meow, meow! (She makes kissy noises. Hampton Huxley appears in the light and we see that the side of his face is smeared with blood. He falls on her and she whimpers.) April Kissimee: Waiter! Emergency! Shasta McCloud: April? April, what's wrong?! April Kissimee: Call 9-1-1! Help! (Hampton Huxley falls to the floor.) Shasta McCloud: April! April! (The waiter appears.) Michael Bowie: Michael here. April Kissimee: (screams) Code red! (She screams.) (The place is very loud.) Shasta McCloud: Help! Help us! (Michael hits his button and starts the alarm.) (End of flashback.) Brass: Okay. Um, look, I'm going to need to take your sweater. April Kissimee: (giggles) Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before. (She starts to take her sweater off. Brass stops her.) Brass: No. No, I don't mean right now. No, I mean, I... I'll need to take it before I go. You know, later, when I, when I leave, I have to take your sweater then. (April nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT] (Nick walks out into the hallway and finds Matt Bartley sitting in a wheelchair and drinking from the water fountain. Nick stops.) Nick: Mr. Bartley? (Matt stops drinking. He turns his chair around.) Matt Bartley: Matt. I'm Vincent's brother. Nick: I'm... Nick. (Nick shakes his hand.) Nick: Stokes. Uh ... Matt Bartley: You don't need to say it. I knew when the detective asked me for that safe-kit that it was going to be Vinnie. Nick: Shouldn't I be talking to your parents? Matt Bartley: Don't have any parents. Mom skipped out when we were little, and Dad died a couple years ago. It's just the two of us. (Nick sits down.) Nick: Matt ... your brother wasn't on the football team, but when we found him, he was wearing a football helmet. Why is that? Matt Bartley: It was my old helmet. Nick: Is that how you got injured? Matt Bartley: No. It was the last day of spring break, and ... I was wasted. Like a dumb-ass, I dove into the Tangiers wave pool headfirst. Fractured my T-1 vertebra. Nick: So why the helmet? Matt Bartley: Well, I was a pretty good football player. He was proud of that. That and my dad's dragon belt. He got it when he was in the service. Vinnie wears it every day. It's just something that he has to hold onto ... (voice breaks) ...to deal with. Nick: (softly) Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BLIND - DINING ROOM - NIGHT] (Catherine and Warrick are still processing the dining room. Catherine picks up a kabob skewer.) Catherine: You know, one of these could've been the murder weapon. It's approximate in size and shape. And everybody had one. (Warrick takes a swab of something on the carpet.) (Catherine grabs another napkin off the table and puts it in an envelope.) (Warrick tests the swab.) Warrick: Well, something dripped over here that is not blood. Catherine: Well, could've been whatever food was on the skewers. ALS will pick up anything that's fatty or dairy-based. (Warrick sees something. He finds a pair of goggles under the table and picks it up.) (He opens it and looks at it. He removes the goggles from the headband.) Warrick: Could you turn off the lights for a second? (Catherine puts her clipboard down and turns the lights off with the remote. She chuckles as everything is dark and the shades lower.) Catherine: I'm sorry, but this is a stupid idea for a restaurant. WARRICK'S POV: NIGHT GOGGLE VISION. Catherine is cast in green. Catherine: I need to see what I'm eating. (Warrick walks over to Catherine.) Warrick: I can see just fine. (Catherine turns at the sound of his voice.) Catherine: Where are you? Warrick: (whispers) Right here. CATHERINE: (whispers) Oh. (She turns the lights back on. Warrick is standing right in front of her looking through the goggles.) Catherine: Hi. Warrick: Hi. (The shades pull up.) Catherine: Night vision goggles? Warrick: Yeah, someone left these behind. Catherine: Kind of defeats the purpose of dining in the dark. Warrick: Unless you don't come here for the food. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BLIND - LOBBY - NIGHT] (Warrick talks with Jerry Nivens.) Warrick: Mr. Nivens. Are these yours? (He shows him the goggles in an evidence bag.) (Mona Nivens sits nearby and looks at her husband, Jerry. Jerry rolls his eyes, barely looking at her and doesn't answer Warrick.) Warrick: I'll take that as a "yes." (The officers turn Jerry Nivens around to handcuff him.) Jerry Nivens: Wait, wait ... I didn't kill anyone. Warrick: Then why would your bring military-grade, night vision goggles to the restaurant? (He glares at his wife.) Jerry Nivens: A hunch. (Quick flashback to: [BLACK SCREEN] The dining room is dark. We hear the sounds of eating intermittent with a man and a woman moaning.) Jerry Nivens: Hey. Sweetheart, you want to try some of my steak? (Jerry Nivens appears in the light holding a piece of steak.) Mona Nivens: (o.s.) No, thanks. I'm all good. (He hears heavy breathing and gets suspicious. He takes out his night vision goggles and puts it on.) JERRY'S POV (Mona is sharing an intimate bite with the husband of the couple they're seated with while his wife is alone eating her meal.) END FLASHBACK. Jerry Nivens: Always be suspicious when your wife wants to dine in the dark with another couple. Mona Nivens: You brought night vision goggles to spy on me during dinner? Jerry Nivens: Damn right. (Warrick can't believe this. Brass wipes his face with his hand and sighs. He grins sheepishly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Nick is walking through the hallway and reading a file when Hodges steps out of his lab and joins him.) Hodges: Millions of tires wear out ever year. You ever wonder where all that rubber dust goes? Nick: No, I don't. Hodges: The black powder trace you found in your victim's clothing was tire rubber. Nick: It's not surprising. We found the body on the side of the highway. Hodges: Of course you would expect that. However, I did find some very interesting type of rubber. Nick: Okay, Hodges, dazzle me. Hodges: Truck tires have 27% isoprene and 14% neoprene. That's what makes them so hard. Passenger tires have a lower isoprene-to-neoprene ratio, but they also have silica for fuel economy and wet traction. INSERT: FLASH OF A GO-CART TIRE Hodges: (V.O.) Go-cart tires, or "slicks," - END FLASH. (Hodges shows Nick the test results.) Hodges: -- to those in the know, have much higher levels of carbon black and oil, resulting in extremely high traction. Nick: Guess I better get my go-cart on. Hodges: You know, just so you know, I'm a bit of go-cart enthusiast myself. Nick: Oh, uh ... that's awesome. (Nick leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GO-CART TRACKS -- DAY] (Nick and Greg talk with the girl behind the counter, Christin Gillis.) Greg: Have you seen this guy before? Christin Gillis: Day before yesterday, day before that, and the day before that. Oh, man, did he get in trouble? Greg: Are these the race stats? Christin Gillis: Uh-huh. Greg: You keep record of them? Christin Gillis: Yeah, all in here. People ask for them every day like they're some sort of trophy. Greg: Could you print out Vincent Bartley's trophy from the last time he was here? Christin Gillis: Yeah. But I'm not getting him in trouble, am I? Nick: No. No, not really. (to Greg) You know, when I was a kid, we used to make these things out of lunch trays and old lawn mower engines. Greg: When I was kid, I used to make bombs--little bombs. (She hands the printout to Greg.) Greg: Oh. "Vinnie Vroom." Won all three of his races. Beat out a guy named "Hot Rod." Christin Gillis: Vinnie ran circles around him. INSERT: FLASHBACK TO (Vinnie Vroom and Hot Rod race around the tracks.) Vinnie Vroom: Yes. (Vinnie stops and takes his helmet off to do his victory dance.) Vinnie Vroom: Yes. Yes, is that all you got? Is that all you got? Is that all you got? Is that all you got? (Hot Rod gets out of his go-cart while Vinnie continues his victory dance.) Vinnie Vroom: Is that all you got? Is that all you got? END FLASHBACK. Christin Gillis: Rodney went from being A-Rod to being No-Rod. (Behind them, they hear tires screech.) Christin Gillis: Hey, there he is, right there. (They turn around to see Hot Rod get out of his cart.) Hot Rod: Aw, come on. Hey, if you guys want to race, then you guys have to wear dresses, huh? (He takes his helmet off.) Hot Rod: Get your skill up, all right. I need some competition here. Nick: Hot Rod! (He turns and looks at them ... then runs.) (Nick and Greg look at each other. Greg shrugs and motions for Nick to go on ahead.) (Nick takes off after Hot Rod. He jumps right over the track fence and takes the direct route. Greg takes off, going around the fence to head Hot Rod off.) (Nick runs clear through the track.) (Hot Rod jumps over the fence on the other side.) (Nick jumps over the other side of the fence.) (They exit the building.) [EXT. GO-CART TRACKS - PARKING LOT - CONTINUING] (Hot Rod heads for his truck.) (He opens the truck door and gets inside just as Nick reaches the truck. Nick takes his gun out and holds it on Hot Rod.) Nick: Get out of the truck! Get out of the truck now! (Hot Rod takes his hands off the steering wheel.) Nick: Get out of the truck now! (Hot Rod gets out of the truck.) (Greg arrives with the officers, who handcuff Hot Rod.) Nick: Nothing says "I'm guilty" like running from the cops, dumb-ass. Give me his wallet. (The officer takes Hot Rod's wallet out of his pocket.) Nick: Rodney Banks. We're with the Vegas Crime Lab, Mr. Banks. (Greg looks inside the truck.) Rodney Banks: Hey, I didn't do nothing. Greg: You got quite a mess here, Rod. Mind if I take a look? (Greg holds up the belt.) Nick: Where'd you get that belt? Rodney Banks: I don't know. Nick: Where? Rodney Banks: I don't know. (Greg tests the belt for blood.) Greg: Blood. Looks like things just got a lot hotter for you, Rod. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BLIND - DINING ROOM - DAY] (Warrick continues to snap photos of the food on the table. Catherine is in the back testing the skewers.) Catherine: All skewers accounted for, none of them bloody. (Warrick picks up something off the table and looks at it.) Catherine: We've got a high-profile dead guy in a locked-room situation, with sixteen diners and three blind waiters. Give me something. Warrick: How about a Band-Aid with petals? (Catherine walks over and looks at it.) Catherine: It's not a Band-Aid. It's a nipple flower. Warrick: What's it doing at a table with four guys? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BLIND - LOBBY - DAY] (Man 1 stands in front of Brass.) Man 1: Can I go to the bathroom? Please, please, please?! Brass: Again? Man 1: Yes, sir. Brass: Yeah, okay. (Man 1 runs to the bathroom. The rest of the three guys in his party laugh.) Brass: Okay. What's so funny? Orange Shirt Manducci: We slipped a laxative in his beer in the dark. It's his sixth trip to the can. It's freakin' hilarious. Brass: What are you guys, like twelve years old? Oh, hey, hey, Curly. How come you're so pretty in pink? Huh? (The man in the orange shirt looks down at the pink fur on his sleeve.) (He points at April Kissimee, who is being comforted by Shasta McCloud.) Orange Shirt Manducci: Breast exam. (The men erupt in laughter.) Orange Shirt Manducci: You know, doctors without boundaries, if you know what I mean. INSERT: FLASHBACK (It's completely dark in the room. The two women with Hampton Huxley are giggling softly. The orange shirt man turns to his buddies.) Orange Shirt Manducci: You guys, come here. It's total darkness. There's two Kitties. That's four ... They're all up for grabs! I'm going on a mission of mercy. (He gets up and heads over. He feels around for their table, then reaches April. He grabs her.) April Kissimee: Who is that? Hux? Stop it. Save it for later. Hampton Huxley: What are you talking about? April Kissimee: That's not you, Hux? (screams) Somebody's touching me! Orange Shirt Manducci: Sweet mother. Guys, they're real -- both of them! Hampton Huxley: Waiter? Waiter, we have a problem over here. (The waiter, Michael Bowie, heads over to them.) END FLASHBACK. (Brass talks with Michael Bowie.) Michael Bowie: Yeah, I lead Mr. Manducci back to his seat. He and his brothers had had quite a bit to drink. Brass: So it was the blind leading the drunk, huh? Michael Bowie: I could do it with my eyes closed. Brass: Well, did you, did you hear anything unusual? Michael Bowie: No. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Until the woman in the fuzzy dress shrieked. I found Mr. Huxley slumped forward. Checked for a pulse, and he didn't have one, so I turned on the emergency lights. Then she really screamed. Is she pretty? She had a pretty girl scream. Brass: Oh, man. She's a Huxley Kitty. She's gorgeous. (Brass notes the waiter's tie is wet.) Brass: Hey, uh ... Let me ask you something. Did you wash your hands? Michael Bowie: Force of habit; I'm sorry. Waiter. Brass: Okay, we're going to have to take your prints, okay? Michael Bowie: Sure. (Brass leads Michael Bowie over to the print table.) Brass: We're going to walk, straight ahead. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BLIND - DINING ROOM - DAY] (Warrick and Catherine look at the mess on the table.) Warrick: Looks like there was some kind of struggle. (Catherine touches the substance.) Catherine: Sticky. (She finds it on the floor as well.) Warrick: What do you think it is? (She touches it and smells it. She looks at Warrick) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BLIND - LOBBY - DAY] Peter Ellis: Honey? The detective needs to ask us some questions. (Nanci Katz holds a cold pack to her head. She shakes Brass's hand.) Nanci Katz: Hi, Nanci Katz. Soon to be Ellis. (She giggles.) Brass: I'm Jim Brass. Yes. So, what happened, Nanci? Nanci Katz: Oh, um ... ask him. Peter Ellis: Oh ... uh ... well, I-I thought it would be romantic ... (Quick flashback to: They're eating in the dark.) Nanci Katz: (V.O.) Mmm. I have not ever tasted a fig this juicy. Peter Ellis: Oh, they're so good. Nanci Katz: Mmm. Peter Ellis: It's like they're, it's like, it's better than the Newtons. (He feels around and opens a ring box. He takes out a diamond ring and slides it across the table toward her hand.) Nanci Katz: Mmm. It's so much better. (He pulls the tablecloth down and the plates of food fall off the table.) Peter Ellis: Oh, God! Nanci Katz: Baby, are you okay? Peter Ellis: Yeah, um ... Nanci Katz: What happened? Peter Ellis: Yeah. Uh ... a thing ... I'm ... uh ... okay. (Peter tries again.) Michael Bowie: (o.s.) It's Michael here. Is ... is everyone all right? (Peter puts the ring in Michael's hand so he can feel what he's trying to do.) Peter Ellis: Oh ... uh ... yeah. Michael, I'm just ... (mutters) I'm trying to get something going here. Michael Bowie: Oh, no problem, sir. I'll leave you two alone. Peter Ellis: Okay. (Michael leaves.) Peter Ellis: Uh, baby, where's your ... Nanci Katz: Yeah? Peter Ellis: Where's your hand? (He reaches for her hand. She gasps.) Peter Ellis: Ever since I met you, I've known I wanted to ask you this question. (He pauses to count her fingers to make sure he gets the ring on the right one.) One, two, three. Would you be my wife? Will you marry me? (She laughs.) Nanci Katz: Yes! Yes. (Since she can't see it, she feels the diamond.) Nanci Katz: Oh, my gosh. I can't even see it, but it feels big. The ring, I mean. Peter Ellis: Sure, yeah. Nanci Katz: Yes! Yes! END FLASHBACK. (Brass is holding Nanci's hand and looking at the ring. Peter looks at him expectantly.) Brass: Oh. Congratulations. Peter Ellis: Thanks. Brass: So how'd you bump your noggin? (She looks a little embarrassed as she glances at Peter.) Nanci Katz: It was dark; nobody, could see. I wanted to say yes. (Brass nods. He gets it.) Nanci Katz: Loud and clear? There's a lot of metal under those tables. Peter Ellis: There really is, yeah. Nanci Katz: Way too much. Peter Ellis: It's not safe. Brass: I bet. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] Holstein: (V.O.) Losing the race was just the beginning. [INT. PD - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (Holstein and Nick interview Rodney Banks.) Holstein: Then, you killed him. Cut his body up and dumped it on the side of the road. Rodney Banks: Whoa, man. I swear I didn't kill anybody. Or I didn't cut anybody up or dump 'em. All I did was ask him for a rematch ... off the track, where it really counts. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Vincent Bartley and Rodney Banks race the go-carts on the open road behind a truck.) (Vincent tries to pass the truck, but there's another car coming toward them. He goes back behind the truck.) (Rodney goes ahead and passes the truck.) (He stops and celebrates, knowing he won.) Rodney Banks: Yeah! (He turns and sees Vincent's go-cart swerve uncontrollably. Vincent has no head.) END FLASHBACK. Nick: So your statement is he just spontaneously lost his head? Rodney Banks: Yeah. You know, one minute, he's staring at me. The next, I look back, and the Headless Horseman is driving his cart. Nick: And then what happened? (Rodney's quiet.) (Quick flashback to: He gets his helmet off and gets out of the go-cart. He gets Vincent's body out of the cart, removes Vincent's belt and uses it has a tie between the two go-carts. He climbs back into his cart and tows it back.) END FLASHBACK. Ezekiel Holstein: So why you just didn't ditch the carts? Rodney Banks: Christin, that ... that girl at the track, she let us sneak out with them. You know, my life was turning into a horror movie -- I didn't want to bring her in on it. (Nick shrugs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Conrad Ecklie moves through the hallway, determined to corner Grissom. He walks into Grissom's office.) Conrad Ecklie: You've been dodging me; it's time to talk. (Grissom is sitting at his desk.) Conrad Ecklie: Gil, nobody wants to hear about your love life less than I do, but since you didn't handle this right, I have to take a formal statement. (Ecklie sits down and opens his notebook.) Conrad Ecklie: Should've been a conversation between friends. I mean, we could've found some way around this. Catherine could have done Sara's evaluations. Why didn't you just tell me? Grissom: We didn't want you to know. Conrad Ecklie: Don't most women like the world to know they're dating someone? Grissom: Where do you get your information about women, Conrad? (Ecklie shakes his head.) Conrad Ecklie: Okay, so, when did you two, you know? (Grissom thinks about it.) Grissom: Nine years ago. (Ecklie rolls his eyes.) Conrad Ecklie: (exasperated) You know what? You two need to get your stories straight. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. GO-CART TRACKS -- DAY] (Greg examines the go-carts. He stops and kneels next to one of the carts. He notices gravel.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (Nick and Greg examine the go-carts.) Nick: There's road gravel embedded in all these tires. Greg: Yeah, but no visible blood on that one. (Greg looks at the bumpers.) Greg: Got a worn area on this front bumper. Some brown trace. Same goes for the rear of that one. (Nick moves over to look at the bumper.) Nick: Well, if it turns out to be leather, it would confirm Hot Rod's story that he towed the second cart back using Vinnie's belt. Greg: Got what looks like ... blood on this wheel well. INSERT: CGI BLOODSPATTER (Greg swabs it and tests it.) Greg: This is the victim's cart. Must have been movin' when his head popped off. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (Robbins snaps photos of Hampton Huxley on the table as David works nearby.) Robbins: Well, another one for the scrapbook. Boy, he looks different without hair. Never knew he wore a toupee. David Phillips: Oh ... uh ... it had something sticky on it, so I bagged it for Trace. (He holds up the bag.) But if you want, we could put it back on for the photo op. Robbins: No, that's okay; let's get to cutting. (David picks up the bone saw.) (He turns the saw on as Robbins makes the initial cut on Hampton Huxley's skull.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: (Robbins examines Huxley's brain.) Robbins: Embedded horizontally in the parenchyma of the right temporal lobe is a linear, silver-toned, metal tube that tapers to a point. And in this case, David, the pen may be mightier than the sword. INSERT: CGI (The pen punctures through the head into the brain where the tip breaks off as it's extracted.) (The blood and ink drip out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PD - BRASS'S OFFICE -- DAY] (He empties Shasta's bag onto the desk and finds her cell phone, wallet and other items stained with leaky ink.) Brass: Okay. Shasta McCloud: Okay, that pen's not mine. Brass: Yeah. Nice try, sweetheart. (Shasta sighs and sits down.) Shasta McCloud: Excuse me. Can I be Lucy Logic for a bit? First of all, that purse is designer. There's no way I'm ruining it with ink. (April shakes her head at Brass in agreement.) Shasta McCloud: Second of all, I know where my bread is buttered. Hux was my meal ticket -- kill him, go hungry. Brass: Unless you're in the will. (Both April and Shasta laugh.) Shasta McCloud: Kitties don't get in the will. Besides, if I had touched that thing, wouldn't I have ink on my hands? Brass: Hmm. Shasta McCloud: Whoever did it ditched the pen in my bag. It was on the back of my chair the whole time. It could have been anyone. April Kissime: What about the guy who assaulted me? Shasta McCloud: Look, if you really want a suspect, you need to check out little Miss Chef Lady. Brass: Little Miss Chef Lady? Why is that? April Kissime: Hello. Shasta McCloud: Duh, she's ... Winter Issue? 1995. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PD - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Brass sits at the table looking at a magazine centerfold.) Brass: You certainly weren't hiding anything back then. Hmm? (He closes the magazine and looks at Pippa Sanchez.) Brass: Ms. Sanchez, according to your fellow Kitties, you and Huxley had a falling out. It's curious that you didn't mention that. Pippa Sanchez: I didn't mention it, because it's ancient history. Twelve years ago, a misogynist told me I should eat less. And today, I now have a hot restaurant on the Strip and two contracts for spots in LA and Chicago. "Food Seduction" is a best-seller. I think I won that battle already. Brass: So, did you and Huxley speak to each other last night? Pippa Sanchez: His reservation was booked under a pseudonym. I didn't even know he was there. Mr. Brass, do you know why I started my restaurant? Brass: No. Tell me. Pippa Sanchez: Because I fell in love with a blind man. He would turn off the lights and feed me. When you deprive one sense, other senses are heightened. My only focus was on my tongue. It was brilliant. And then he died. And this restaurant is an homage to him-to our love affair. Brass: How nice for you. Pippa Sanchez: I don't mean to be crude, but a murder is, quite frankly, bad for business. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (Warrick takes one of the napkins out of the package and puts it in the video spectral comparator.) VARIOUS DISSOLVES. (He takes the napkin out and grabs the next package where he does the same for the next napkin and the next napkin.) INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY] (Catherine looks at the morgue photos and spreads them out on the table. She opens the file folder and looks at the photos of various items -- of a watch, wallet and toupee.) (In the file, she sees: 8) TOUPEE AUTOPSY - D. HODGES TRACE. IDENTIFY UNKNOWN STICKY SUBSTANCE (Warrick finishes the napkins. He looks at the napkins under various lights in the VSC and finds a print on one of them.) (Catherine finds the analysis for the sticky substance: HONEY.) (Warrick walks into the room with his results.) Catherine: Hey. Warrick: Hey. Catherine: So, Huxley had honey on his hairpiece, ink in his brain and blood all over. There were three people who had honey on their hands: the frisky couple and Michael. Two people who had blood on their clothing: April and Michael. And there was a total of five people moving around the room: two Manducci brothers and all three waiters. Now, that's a lot of lists for Michael to turn up on. He does work there, so there's reason for it, but ... Warrick: Well, there's no reason for this: Michael's print in ink, on a napkin. (He shows her the print.) Catherine: What would he have against Huxley? Warrick: His prints hit back to an old work card. The guy used to be a chef. Catherine: A blind chef? Warrick: He lost his sight a few years back. But before that, guess who was his sous-chef? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PD - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Catherine reads to Michael Bowie from Pippa Sanchez's book) Catherine: (reads) "The man knew his way around a kitchen, and his way into my heart. Michael would spend hours teaching me, feeding me ... loving me." Brass: So, you're the dead guy? Michael Bowie: She seduces me, steals my recipes, my ideas, my investors. And then she hires me as a freaking waiter. Night after night, I listen to her tell stories of the tragic love affair, of the poor, dead blind guy. Last night, I finally confronted her. (Quick flashback to: Michael talks with Pippa.) Michael Bowie: I deserve a piece of the action. Pippa Sanchez: At $200 a head, you're clearing at least $1,000 in tips at night. That's a lot of action for a blind man. Michael Bowie: I made you. Pippa Sanchez: You're fired. We're done. (End of flashback.) Brass: But why kill Huxley? Why not just her? Michael Bowie: I'm blind. She's not. But in that dining room, everybody else is blind, too. And when Huxley walked in with his Kitties, it was like a sign from the gods. I knew I could destroy her and the restaurant. (Quick flashback to: Hampton Huxley eats an oyster.) Michael Bowie: (V.O.) I waited till the oyster course. The shells clanging, and slurping, the "oohing," the "aahing, I knew it would cover any noise I was going to make. (As they eat, Michael stabs him with the pen.) (End of flashback.) Michael Bowie: I wanted her rotting in jail, eating bologna sandwiches. Catherine: If you wanted to frame Pippa, why did you plant the pen in Shasta's purse? Michael Bowie: I tell everyone to put their purses and jackets on the back of the chairs, so I knew exactly where her purse was. (Quick flashback to: Michael puts the dripping pen in the purse. He wipes his hands on the napkin and drops the napkin on the floor.) Michael Bowie: Old cat frames young Kitty. Kind of perfect. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Greg and Nick report back to Grissom.) Greg: We found high velocity blood spatter inside the rear wheel well of the victim's cart, which means he lost his head at high speed. Nick: So how did Hot Rod decapitate Vinnie while racing down a highway at 60 miles an hour? Grissom: Maybe he didn't. Greg: Well, people's heads just don't fly off for no reason. Well, I mean, maybe we should check the scene for some wires or branches, or something he could've run into. Nick: If it would've happened that way, we would've found trace from whatever did it. The only trace in the neck and arm wounds was rubber from truck tires. Grissom: Which was present on both sides of his wounds but not on his clothing. Greg: There were blown-out tire fragments all over the road. Grissom: But we found his body off the road. There shouldn't be any transfer from truck tires. (Grissom thinks about it.) Grissom: Unless ... (Nick and Greg exchange looks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Grissom is revving up a rubber tire. In the background, Ecklie passes in the hallway and stops when he sees Greg and Nick setting up the Jell-O bust. They secure the bust at about the same height as the go-cart.) (Ecklie walks in.) Conrad Ecklie: What's going on here? Grissom: We're trying to determine whether a steel-belted truck tire can decapitate a kid driving a go-cart. (Nick puts the helmet on the bust.) Conrad Ecklie: I thought that was an urban myth. Grissom: Myths, legends, tall tales -- they all come from something real. Nick: If that go-cart was going 60 miles an hour drafting a truck going the same speed, and that truck blows a tire, sending a two-pound projectile into the driver's neck ... Conrad Ecklie: Yeah, the combined speed of impact would be 120 miles an hour. Which is about ... Greg: 962 foot-pounds of energy. Grissom: All right, let's go, fellas. (Nick pats the helmet secure on the bust. He and Greg get up and move behind the shield. Ecklie doesn't move. They can't do the experiment until Ecklie moves.) Grissom: Come on, Conrad. There's always room for Jell-O. Conrad Ecklie: (mutters) It's expensive Jell-O. (Ecklie grabs protective head gear and moves behind the shield with the others.) (Grissom picks up some rubber, -- Greg: (excitedly) I love this. -- then sends it through the rolling tires.) SLOW MOTION. The rubber hits the helmet and knocks the head off the bust. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] During the race, Vincent doesn't pass the truck. The truck hits a piece of rubber on the road, sending it back toward Vincent, hitting him on the shoulder. He blocks it and continues racing.) (The truck hits more pieces of rubber on the road, sending it back toward Vincent. He raises his hand to block it. The rubber cuts off his head and his hand.) (End of flashback.) SLOW MOTION. The rubber knocks the head off the bust. (The helmet and Jell-O bounce off the lab floor.) (Ecklie looks at them.) Conrad Ecklie: Well, it worked. See if we can't reuse some of that. (And like a kid, Grissom smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. GRISSOM'S CAR (PARKED) -- DAY] (Grissom and Sara talk.) Grissom: When did you tell Ecklie we got involved? (Thinks about it.) Sara: Two years ago. Why? What did you tell him? Grissom: Nine years ago. (Sara laughs.) Sara: The Forensic Academy Conference? Grissom: Yeah. (She laughs.) Grissom: You ... uh ... had too many questions about anthropology, for some reason. Sara: Well, I was stalling. I was trying to get the nerve to ask you to dinner. Grissom: You had a ponytail. Sara: I'm going to move to swing. Grissom: We talked about this. Sara: I know that you said that you would do it, but I don't want to do that to the team. Besides ... I am sure that I could use more daylight in my life. (Grissom is quiet. He nods.) Sara: We should go. Grissom: Yeah. (They get out of the car.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GO-CART TRACKS -- DAY] (The team is inside racing around the tracks in the go-carts. Sara and Grissom walk up to the fence and watch them. As they round the corner, they wave to them. Grissom gives a thumbs-up sign to them.) (Nick stops the cart in front of them and opens his helmet visor.) Nick: Whoo! (to Sara) You ... uh ... you want a ride? Sara: Wish I could. Nick: What about you, Ricky Bobby? Grissom: No, thanks, I like to watch. Nick: Okay. (Nick laughs, shuts the visor and heads off on his way. Sara turns at Grissom.) Sara: You should go. Grissom: Yeah? Sara: Yeah, you should go. Grissom: Okay. (Grissom goes through the gate and picks up the helmet off the nearby cart.) (Sara smiles. Grissom is in the cart and ready to go. Sara gives him a thumbs-up sign.) (Grissom starts the cart, gives her a thumbs-up sign and races around the track with the others. They're like a bunch of little kids.) (Sara remains at the fence watching them from the outside.) (Grissom rides the go-cart around the tracks.) (HOLD on Sara watching.)

Plan: A: Grissom; Q: Who is the first CSI to investigate the death of a go-kart racer? A: Nick; Q: Who is one of the investigators? A: whose headless body; Q: What is found yards from the highway? A: yards; Q: How far from the highway was the go-kart racer's body found? A: Warrick; Q: Who is working with Catherine to solve the murder of a magazine publisher? A: patrons; Q: What do you call people who eat at a restaurant? Summary: Grissom, Nick, and Greg investigate the death of a go-kart racer whose headless body is found yards from the highway he was racing on; Catherine and Warrick work to unravel the mysterious murder of a popular men's magazine publisher at a restaurant where patrons dine in the dark.

Scene: Lobby of the apartment building, Howard, Raj, Sheldon and Leonard enter in combat gear, covered in blue paint. Raj: Okay, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball. Howard: That was absolutely humiliating. Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose. Howard: Yes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's Bar-Mitzvah party. Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews. Sheldon: You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command. Leonard: Sheldon, let it go. Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back. Howard: I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster. Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders. Leonard: You hid behind a tree yelling "get the kid in the yarmulkah, get the kid in the yarmulkah." Penny (arriving): Oh, hey guys. Leonard: Hello Penny. Howard: Morning ma'am. Penny: So, how was paintball, did you have fun? Sheldon: Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry. Penny: Okay, um, oh hey, I'm having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by. Leonard: A party? Penny: Yeah. Howard: A boy-girl party? Penny: Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it'll just be a bunch of my friends, we'll have some beer, do a little dancing... Sheldon: Dancing? Leonard: Yeah, I don't know, Penny... Sheldon: The thing is, we're not.... Leonard: We're really more.... Sheldon: No. Leonard: But thanks, thanks for thinking of us. Penny: Are you sure? Come on, it's Halloween. Sheldon: A Halloween party? Howard: As in, costumes? Penny: Well, yeah. Leonard: Is there a theme? Penny: Um, yeah, Halloween. Sheldon: Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific? Penny: As usual, I'm not following. Leonard: He's asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy... Penny: Sure. Sheldon: What about comic-books? Penny: Fine. Sheldon: Anime? Penny: Of course. Sheldon: TV , film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods... Penny: Anything you want, okay? Any costume you want. Bye. Howard: Gentlemen, to the sewing machines. Credits Sequence Scene: The apartment living room. There is a knock on the door. Leonard (off): I'll get it. (He enters, wearing a Flash costume. Opens door.) Howard (Entering at speed, also wearing a Flash costume): Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.) Leonard: Oh, no. Sheldon: Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.) Raj: Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no! Sheldon: See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting. Leonard: We all have other costumes, we can change. Raj: Or, we could walk right behind each other all night and look like one person going really fast. Howard: No, no, no, it's a boy-girl party, this Flash runs solo. Leonard: Okay, how about this, nobody gets to be The Flash, we all change, agreed? All: Agreed. Leonard: I call Frodo! All: Damn! Scene: The same, later. Leonard is dressed as Frodo. Howard appears to be Peter Pan. There is a knock on the door. Raj (Entering dressed as Thor): Hey. Sorry I'm late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus. Leonard: You went with Thor? Raj: What? Just because I'm Indian I can't be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That's racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he's not English, but he's dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon(entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he's obviously the Doppler Effect. Howard: I'm not Peter Pan, I'm Robin Hood. Raj: Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you're dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it's basically the same look, man. Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, there's something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party. Sheldon: I don't care if anybody gets it, I'm going as the Doppler Effect. Leonard: No, it's not... Sheldon: If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww! Leonard: Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight. Sheldon: Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you? Leonard: For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey. Sheldon: Well, there's nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting. Leonard: All I'm saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group. A potential close friend and... perhaps more. I don't want to look like a dork. Scene: The hallway. Howard knocks on Penny's door with his bow. Howard: Just a heads up fellas, if anyone gets lucky I've got a dozen condoms in my quiver. Penny (opening door, not in costume): Oh, hey guys. Leonard: Hey, sorry we're late. Penny: Late? It's 7:05. Sheldon: And you said the party starts at seven. Penny: Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven. Sheldon: It's 7:05. Penny: Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in. Howard: What, are all the girls in the bathroom? Penny: Probably, but in their own homes. Sheldon: So what time does the costume parade start? Penny: The parade? Sheldon: Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle. Penny: Oh, Sheldon, I'm sorry but there aren't going to be any parades or judges or prizes. Sheldon: This party is just going to suck. Penny: No, come on, it's going to be fun, and you all look great, I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan, that's so cute. Leonard: Actually, Penny, he's Rob... Howard: I'm Peter Pan! And I've got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it. Penny: No you don't. Oh, hey, what's Sheldon supposed to be. Leonard: Oh, he's the Doppler Effect. Sheldon: Yes. It's the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer. Penny: Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I've got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable. Leonard: Okay. Sheldon: See, people get it. Time shift, the party is in full swing, the four guys are sitting together around the coffee table. Raj: Mmmm, by Odin's beard, this is good Chex Mix. Howard: No thanks, peanuts, I can't afford to swell up in these tights. Sheldon: I'm confused. If there's no costume parade, what are we doing here? Leonard: We're socialising. Meeting new people. Sheldon: Telepathically? Penny (crossing the room in a cat costume, speaking to someone off-screen): Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi! Raj: Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry's. Leonard: She's not Catwoman, she's just a generic cat. Sheldon: And that's the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition. Howard: Hey guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it's time for me to turn my head and cough. Raj: What is your move? Howard: I'm going to use the mirror technique. She brushes her hair back, I brush my hair back, she shrugs, I shrug, subconsciously she's thinking we're in sync, we belong together. Leonard: Where do you get this stuff? Howard: You know, psychology journals, internet research, and there's this great show on VH1 about how to pick up girls. Raj: Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women. Or around women. Or at times, even effeminate men. Howard: If that's a working stethoscope, maybe you'd like to hear my heart skip a beat. Nurse Costume Girl: No thanks. Howard: No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia. Leonard: I want to get to know Penny's friends, I just, I don't know how to talk to these people. Sheldon: Well, I actually might be able to help. Leonard: How so? Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will. Leonard: Go on. Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting "How wasted am I?" which is met with an approving chorus of "Dude." Leonard: Then what happens? Sheldon: That's as far as I've gotten. Leonard: This is ridiculous, I'm jumping in. Sheldon: Good luck. Leonard: No, you're coming with me. Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. Leonard: Come on. Sheldon: Aren't you afraid I'll embarrass you? Leonard: Yes. But I need a wing-man. Sheldon: Alright, but if we're going to use flight metaphors I'm much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage. Girl in Hippie Costume: Oh, Hi! Leonard: Hi. Sheldon: Hello. Girl: So, what are you supposed to be? Sheldon: Me? I'll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww! Girl: Uh, a choo-choo train? Sheldon: Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww! Girl: A brain damaged choo-choo train? Girl in Butterfly Costume (dropping onto sofa next to Raj): How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.) Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are now talking to a girl in a princess costume. Sheldon: Neeeeeooooowwwwww! Girl: I still don't get it. Sheldon: I'm the Doppler Effect. Girl: Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it's very insensitive. Leonard: Why don't you just tell people you're a zebra? Sheldon: Well, why don't you just tell people you're one of the seven dwarves. Leonard: Because I'm Frodo. Sheldon: Yes, well, I'm the Doppler Effect. Leonard: Oh no. Sheldon: What? Leonard: That's Penny's ex-boyfriend. Sheldon: What do you suppose he's doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. Leonard: If he were any bigger, he'd have moons orbiting him. Sheldon: Oh, snap. So I guess we'll be leaving now. Leonard: Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn't even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug). Sheldon: You have a back-up hypothesis. Leonard: Maybe they just want to be friends. Sheldon: Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more. Leonard: Then he and I are on equal ground. Sheldon: Yes, but you're much closer to it than he is. Leonard: Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners. Sheldon: And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. Leonard: Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn't have to back down. Sheldon: True. Why don't you text him that and see if he backs down? Leonard: No. I'm going to assert my dominance face to face. Sheldon: Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table? Leonard: Hello Penny. Hello Kurt. Penny: Oh, hey guys. You having a good time? Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. Kurt: What, you're a zebra, right? Sheldon: Yet another child left behind. Kurt: And what are you supposed to be, an Elf? Leonard: No, I'm a Hobbit. Kurt: What's the difference? Leonard: Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior. Kurt: So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit? Sheldon: Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash. Kurt: Well, whatever, why don't you go hop off on a quest, I'm talking to Penny here. Leonard: I think we're all talking to Penny here. Sheldon: I'm not. No offence. Kurt: Okay, maybe you didn't hear me, go away. Penny: Alright Kurt, be nice. Kurt: Aw, I am being nice. Right little buddy. Penny: Kurt! Leonard: Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can't compete with me on an intellectual level and so you're driven to animalistic puffery. Kurt: Are you calling me a puffy animal? Penny: Of course not, no, he's not, you're not, right Leonard? Leonard: No, I said animalistic. Of course we're all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree. Sheldon: If he understands that, you're in trouble. Kurt: So what, I'm unevolved? Sheldon: You're in trouble. Kurt: You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf. Penny: Okay, Kurt, please. Leonard: No, Penny, it's okay, I can handle this. I'm not a dwarf, I'm a Hobbit. A Hobbit. Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory? Kurt: Okay, now you're starting to make me mad. Leonard: A homo-habilus discovering his opposable thumbs says what? Kurt: What? Leonard: I think I've made my point. Kurt: Yeah, how about I make a point out of your pointy little head. Sheldon: Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless. Leonard: There's not going to be a confrontation, in fact I doubt if he can even spell confrontation. Kurt (physically lifting Leonard from the ground): C - O - N... frontation! Penny: Kurt, put him down this instant. Kurt: He started it. Penny: I don't care, I'm finishing it, put him down. Kurt: Fine. You're one lucky little leprechaun. Sheldon: He's a Hobbit! I've got your back. Penny: Leonard, are you okay. Leonard: Yeah, no, I'm fine. It's good, it's a good party, thanks for having us, it's just getting a little late so.... Penny: Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming. Sheldon: Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it's any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The living room. Sheldon brings Leonard a cup of tea. Leonard: What's that? Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it? Leonard: No. Sheldon: Good. There there was really all I had. Leonard: Good night Sheldon. Sheldon: Good night Leonard. Penny (knocking on door and entering): Hey Leonard. Leonard: Hi Penny. Penny: Hey, I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Leonard: I'm fine. Penny: I'm so sorry about what happened. Leonard: It's not your fault. Penny: Yes it is. That's why I broke up with him, he always does stuff like that. Leonard: So why was he at your party? Penny: Well, I ran into him last week and, he was... just, all apologetic, about how he's changed, he was just going on and on and I believed him, and I'm an idiot because I always believe guys like that and... I can't go back to my party because he's there, and I know you don't want to hear this and I'm upset and I'm really drunk and I just want to... (bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard's shoulder.) Leonard: There there. Penny: God, what is wrong with me. Leonard: Nothing, you're perfect. Penny: Gah, I'm not perfect. Leonard: Yes you are. Penny: You really think so, don't you? (She kisses hm.) Leonard: Penny? Penny: Yeah. Leonard: How much have you had to drink tonight? Penny: Just.... a lot. Leonard: Are you sure that your being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn't have something to do with what's going on here? Penny: It might. Boy, you're really smart. Leonard: Yeah, I'm a frickin' genius. Penny: Leonard, you are so great. Why can't all guys be like you? Leonard: Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn't survive. Penny: I should probably go. Leonard: Probably. Penny (in doorway): Thank you. (She kisses him again. Kurt is watching.) Leonard: That's right, you saw what you saw. That's how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.) Scene: The apartment, there is a knock on the door. Sheldon: Coming. (Opens door to Howard.) Howard: Hey, have you seen Koothrapali? Sheldon: He's not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him. Howard: He's not the Marvel comic story, he's the original Norse God. Sheldon: Thank you for the clarification. Howard: I'm supposed to give him a ride home. Sheldon: Well I'm sure he'll be fine. He has his hammer. Scene: A random bedroom. Butterfly costume girl is climbing off of Raj. Butterfly Girl: Wow, I have to say, you are an amazing man. You're gentle and passionate, and my God, you are such a good listener! (Raj puts hands behind head with a smug expression on his face.)

Plan: A: first decline; Q: What do the guys do when Penny invites them to her Halloween party? A: costumes; Q: What convinces the guys to go to Penny's party? A: Sheldon; Q: Who is unable to explain his Doppler effect costume? A: Thor; Q: Who is Raj dressed as? A: women; Q: Who can Raj not speak to? A: Howard; Q: Who is mistaken for Peter Pan? A: Robin Hood; Q: Who is Howard dressed as? A: Leonard; Q: Who is dressed as Frodo Baggins? A: Penny's ex-boyfriend Kurt; Q: Who shows up at the party and confronts Leonard? A: a very tall, muscular caveman; Q: What was Penny's ex-boyfriend dressed as? A: Kurt's behavior; Q: What does Penny apologize for? A: Shire; Q: Where does Leonard say "That's how we roll at the ______!"? A: his apartment door; Q: What does Leonard lock in panic? A: a "very good listener; Q: What does the girl Raj is sleeping with think of him? Summary: Penny invites the guys to her Halloween party. They at first decline as they do not dance, but accept when costumes are mentioned. At the party they have problems socializing: Sheldon is unable to explain his Doppler effect costume since none of Penny's friends are physicists or smart enough to understand it; Raj (dressed as Thor) cannot speak to women; Howard as Robin Hood is mistaken for Peter Pan; and Leonard (dressed as Frodo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings) is insecure. Penny's ex-boyfriend Kurt (underdressed as a very tall, muscular caveman) later shows up and aggressively confronts Leonard, causing him (and later Penny) to leave. Penny goes to check on Leonard and apologizes for Kurt's behavior. She is very upset, but Leonard tells her she is perfect, and they kiss, though Penny confesses she is drunk. They kiss again, in sight of Kurt, Leonard saying "That's how we roll at the Shire!" before locking his apartment door in panic. Meanwhile, Howard cannot find Raj, who is at home sleeping with a girl who finds him to be a "very good listener".

COHEN HOUSE SETH: You taking all that? You only own, like, a wife beater and two hoodies. RYAN: I'm sorry, okay, I don't know what people wear to prospective students weekend, so I just brought everything. SETH: I'm packing light. Want to be free and easy for pre-frosh weekend. RYAN: Even though you're not a pre-freshman? SETH: It's called "pre-frosh," Ryan, and if I'm going to go there, I need you to get the lingo. SETH: Don't give me that sideways look. You were way into this plan when we came up with it. RYAN: That's 'cause we only had the beginning. So, um... you're going to fly to Brown... SETH: And then I will somehow get them to admit me. Yeah, I don't have the, uh, the details yet, but... Brown's a spiritual place. I'll go, I'll get a vibe. Maybe I'll bump into the ghost of old man Brown or whoever they named the school after. RYAN: Seth, you know Summer's going to be there. SETH: I don't know that for sure. RYAN: Every student at Harbor is going to their college this weekend. I'm sure she's going to be there. SETH: So, it's not like we'll run into each other. We're going to a land of pasty Jewish kids. For once, I'll blend right in. RYAN: Yeah? And your flight? SETH: Booked a ticket connecting through Chattanooga. Totally inconvenient, no way she'll be on it. RYAN: Look, I just don't want to see you get deeper into this mess, okay? SETH: Dude, you're going to Berkeley with your ex-girlfriend. KIRSTEN: You ready to go? College calls. RYAN: Uh, yeah. Think we're all set. KIRSTEN: Just think... the next time we send you two off like this, it'll be for real. RYAN: I'll only be a few hours away. KIRSTEN: What about you, going all the way to the East Coast? If I wasn't so proud of you, I'd be angry at you for... SETH: All right, all right, we got planes to catch. KIRSTEN: Okay, let's go. RYAN: Where's Sandy? KIRSTEN: Uh, he had an early meeting. He said to say good-bye. SETH: That's weird, the man lives for the airport sendoff. KIRSTEN: Well, I guess it was an important meeting. AIRPORT SETH: All right, well, my gate's this way. KIRSTEN: Call when you get there. SETH: Yeah. All right, bring it in. We can save the hug for later. RYAN: Yeah, okay. SETH: See you Sunday. RYAN: Okay. KIRSTEN: And what about you? Are you okay? RYAN: Uh, I'm a little nervous actually. KIRSTEN: Ryan, Berkeley's going to be a breeze. I mean, you conquered Newport, and this town isn't exactly known for its hospitality. RYAN: Yeah, but I had you and I had Seth and Sandy. KIRSTEN: Hey, you did this. You earned your future. Enjoy it. RYAN: All right, thanks. KIRSTEN: Have a wonderful time and call when you get there. RYAN: Okay, I will. [SCENE_BREAK] THERESA: Hey. NANNY: Hey, Theresa. THERESA: Here you go. NANNY: I'll take that. THERESA: Can I borrow that sparkly scarf? NANNY: Sure. GENERIC MARISSA'S ROOM SUMMER: What am I thinking? Kids at Brown don't wear sparkly scarves. Maybe on my way to the airport, I'll stop and get some kind of angry looking piercing. MARISSA: Sum, you should just dress like yourself. SUMMER: This is all wrong. MARISSA: What, the scarf? SUMMER: No, this, all of this. Me going to Brown without Cohen. You going to Berkeley without Ryan. MARISSA: I'm going to Berkeley with Ryan, I'm just not going with him. SUMMER: Yeah, which is even weirder. MARISSA: Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. You know, this way we're forced to focus on the future. And we can start doing that this weekend. SUMMER: Hmm, big talk coming from the girl who chucked her acceptance letter in the garbage. MARISSA: Yeah, well, I was going through something. SUMMER: Is "something" code for having an affair with an almost homeless surfer dude? And does your past tense imply it's over? MARISSA: Look, whatever I was doing with Volchok... SUMMER: I don't need details. MARISSA: I'm not doing it anymore. In fact, after today, I probably won't ever see him again. SUMMER: What do you mean after today? MARISSA: Well, he texted me to say I left some stuff at his place, and I told him I would stop by and pick it up before I left. SUMMER: Hmm, no, you won't. Saying your last good-bye with his dirty mattress in plain sight? That is breakup s*x waiting to happen. MARISSA: Have you no faith in me at all? SUMMER: 48 hours ago, Coop, you were Newport's Courtney Love. Baby steps. MARISSA: Fine. I'll just tell him to meet me at the diner. You know what? You should take this with you to Brown. They're going to love you, just so long as you be yourself. SUMMER: Talk about clichéd advice. I can say things like that, now that I'm smart. ROBERTS HOUSE NEIL: Here you go, my love. SUMMER: Hey. MARISSA: Hey. NEIL: You sure you don't want a ride to the airport now? SUMMER: Oh, no, we got it. But we could use your muscle to help get our bags in the trunk. NEIL: Muscle. Guess I still got it. JULIE: Marissa, honey, you know, it's not too late for me to go with you. I promise, I wouldn't embarrass you. I could pretend to be part of your entourage, or your Scientology guide. MARISSA: Mom, you don't have to worry, okay? JULIE: Kids go crazy at college. You've seen Girls Gone Wild. MARISSA: Yeah, I lived it. Not the topless part. But don't worry, I've got all that partying out of my system. I really do want something different from this. JULIE: Well, the Cooper women do have nine lives. I'm just glad you're on to your next one. NEIL: Summer's waiting. Bye, Marissa. MARISSA: Bye. I'll see you guys in a few days. Bye, Mom. JULIE: Have fun. Okay, did a priest just break in here and perform an exorcism? NEIL: I don't know, but she's definitely out of the woods. JULIE: Well, it's just you and me this weekend. What should we do? I could call the Montage. NEIL: I can't, darling. I've got that dinner tomorrow night. Retirement party for the head of surgery. JULIE: Oh, right, well, then, thank God for Netflix. NEIL: Julie, are you ever going to come to one of these with me? JULIE: Why? So the women can gossip about me after I leave? NEIL: Now why would anyone want to gossip about you? Honey, I don't get it. You throw all of these parties for the dating service. JULIE: Well, I have Kirsten then. She's my wing woman. NEIL: So, invite Kirsten and Sandy. He can network with the doctors, and she can... wing woman. It'd mean a lot to me. JULIE: Then I'm there. BERKELEY WES: Ryan Atwood. RYAN: Oh, hey. WES: Sorry I'm late, man. RYAN: No, no worries. WES: Wes Siefert, your freshman buddy. RYAN: Yeah, nice to meet you. WES: You need a hand? RYAN: No, no, I'm good. WES: Trust me, we've seen better days. Come on, I'll show you the dorm. RYAN: Okay. WES: Hope you don't mind an inflatable mattress. RYAN: No, sounds good. WES: I saw on your profile you're from Newport. Did you go to Harbor ? RYAN: Uh, yeah, you know it? WES: Yeah, a few guys in my poly-sci club went there. You play water polo? RYAN: Uh, no, no. You know what? Actually, I'm not really from Newport. I mean, I am, but up until the last two years, I was, uh, I was living in Chino. Uh, I guess I figured I needed to get that out of the way. WES: I think you'll be okay. RYAN: What do you mean? WES: I got one roommate from Bangladesh, the other one's from Partridge, Kansas, population 300. So, there's no mold here. It's pretty easy to fit in. RYAN: Ah, I guess I'm not really used to that. COFFEE SHOP MARISSA: Hey. Summer's waiting and I've got a plane to catch. So do you have my stuff? KEVIN: No. MARISSA: What? Why? KEVIN: Tell me why you all of a sudden up and bailed. MARISSA: I really never thought of you as the possessive type. KEVIN: I just want to know what happened. MARISSA: It's what you already know. You and me, we have nothing in common. KEVIN: Right. You got money and I don't. Same old story. MARISSA: No, it's not like that. You really want to know? When I was little, my sister and I used to always watch The Sound of Music. KEVIN: Yeah, sorry, I must have missed that one. MARISSA: Okay, well, there's this girl in it, Liesl, and I always used to think I was going to grow up to be just like her. You know, I'd have the really cute boyfriend, that looked like her boyfriend. And our lives would be just like the scene where they're... they're standing in the gazebo and singing to each other. Then I grew up, and... and I found myself doing coke and sleeping with a guy who I'd never had one real conversation with. I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm just not ready to give up on the Sound of Music thing. Not yet. KEVIN: Well, good luck with that. I'll be sure to drop off your stuff. NEWPORT GROUP SANDY: No, it's not going to be a problem, I promise you. Look... Hey, hey, hey. Let me get back to you, all right? I was just about to get some lunch. You want to go out? KIRSTEN: Uh, I only have a minute. SANDY: I am so sorry about the other night. I tried to call you. KIRSTEN: I came about something else. When I was at the airport this morning, I saw Ryan's ex-girlfriend Theresa. SANDY: How's she doing? KIRSTEN: She had a baby with her, a boy, looked about two. SANDY: You think it might be Ryan's? KIRSTEN: I think it's possible. SANDY: You spoke to her? KIRSTEN: No. SANDY: Well, then for all you know, he could be her cousin or her nephew. KIRSTEN: I saw the way she was with him, the way she picked him up-- she's a mother. SANDY: Yeah, well, she told Ryan that she lost their baby, so... what are you saying, she lied? KIRSTEN: I just think we should tell him what I saw. We've always been honest with him, that's why he trusts us. SANDY: Oh, honey, let's keep it to ourselves. At least until he gets back. BROWN RYAN: Hey, Seth. SETH: Hey, man, how's Berkeley? RYAN: It's cold and wet and pretty cool. I can't believe I'm actually on a college campus. SETH: Ryan, I am touching ivy right now. RYAN: What? SETH: Real ivy. It grows on the buildings here. Those pictures in the brochure-- they are not Photoshopped. RYAN: Ah! I take it you're in the middle of the quad right now? SETH: Yeah. Dead center. RYAN: Pretty stuff. I can't imagine anyone actually seeing you there. SETH: I know, I know. It's a Summer haunt, but I had to come visit campus for a few minutes. RYAN: And it's perfect? SETH: Man, it's better than perfect. Seth Cohen has come home to roost. ANNA: Cohen? RYAN: Who's that? SETH: I don't know. I'm too afraid to turn around. Anna? [SCENE_BREAK] SETH: So... Newport v. Pittsburgh. Who would win in a Smackdown? ANNA: For me, Pittsburgh. SETH: Come on. You miss Newport. The sun and the surf. The surgery. ANNA: They have not perfected the chin implant in Pittsburgh, but I am optimistic. SETH: Mocking Newport with Anna Stern. That is one of my favorite pastimes. ANNA: Mine, too. But I did get a small taste when Atomic County came out. SETH: Hey, you saw my comic? ANNA: I was so proud of you. SETH: Thanks. ANNA: But I do have a few notes on my character Punky Spitfire. SETH: Okay. ANNA: And that mobisode was hilarious. SETH: What the hell is a mobisode? ANNA: You don't know? I thought it was your comic. SETH: Oh. Yeah, it was, but I traded it to a guy named Zach Stevens in exchange for Summer. ANNA: How romantic. How are you guys? SETH: Great. Uh... yeah, great. SETH: Great. ANNA: Great. Tell her I say hi. SETH: I will. I wouldn't want her to get the wrong idea about us bumping into each other out here. ANNA: I know, it does kind of seem like fate. SETH: Yeah. Not exactly. ANNA: Oh, ouch. SETH: No. What I mean is-- and, um, the only other person who knows this is Ryan, so... I am not officially admitted here. ANNA: You didn't get in?! SETH: Shut up. No, I didn't. That's why I'm out here this weekend; I'm trying to get in. ANNA: And how do you plan on doing that? SETH: I haven't quite nailed that down yet, but now that I've run into you, who, if I remember correctly, is not only sage but wise. ANNA: And you want me to come up with some hair-brained scheme to, what, smuggle you into college? SETH: Yes, please. For me? Listen, it's fate. You said it yourself. ANNA: All right. There's a Meet the Faculty reception here tonight. I assume Dr. Overbee will be there. SETH: That's the admissions dude. ANNA: You can try talking to him. SETH: And I will say what? ANNA: You're the one who flew all the way out here, because you want to go here so badly. Don't you think that you should come up with that speech yourself? COHEN HOUSE JULIE: What are you doing tomorrow night? No plans? Good. You're going to Neil's dinner with all the doctors. Sandy can do some recruiting for the new hospital. You and I can sit in the corner and gossip. A fun time will be had by all. KIRSTEN: Actually, I'm busy. JULIE: Kiki... All you ever do is sit in this house and drink tea. I mean, what's the real reason? KIRSTEN: Sandy and I have hit a bit of a rough patch. JULIE: Oh. What happened? KIRSTEN: It's complicated. Suffice it to say, I'm not a huge fan of this hospital project. JULIE: Well, are you a huge fan of me? 'Cause, you know, I'm just saying, if you need a reason to go, you're looking at one. KIRSTEN: You don't need me to do this. JULIE: Yeah, Kirsten, I do. You know, ever since Caleb died, the only way I've been able to navigate through these Newpsie-infested waters is with you by my side. Please, Kirsten. I want Dr. Roberts' doctor friends to like me. KIRSTEN: Fine. But I'm only doing this for you. JULIE: Thank you. I owe you one. Or, you know, maybe it's more than one. But who's counting? Okay, see you tomorrow. BERKELEY MIGUEL: So your dad's in jail? RYAN: Yeah, yeah. MIGUEL: I've got a dad, one brother and two uncles locked up. RYAN: You win. WES: Miguel's the first in his family to go to college, too. RYAN: Really? Let me ask you, ever feel out of place here? MIGUEL: Oh, all the time. But, look, as long as I keep my grades up, I figure, I belong here as much as anyone else. One day, Wes here is gonna get my brother out of jail. Yeah, Supreme Court Justice. WES: That's just a pipe dream. I'll be happy if I pass the bar. RYAN: No, that's amazing. WES: Oh, speaking of amazing. And she's headed this way. MARISSA: Hi. RYAN: Hi. WES: You two know each other? MARISSA: We were in the same class. RYAN: Yeah, at Harbor. Uh, this is Miguel. MIGUEL: Hi. MARISSA: Hi. RYAN: And Wes, my freshman buddy. WES: Yeah, speaking of buddies, where's yours? MARISSA: Oh, mine is a vegan, and she's boycotting this, 'cause of the turkey on your plate. WES: What can you do, right? So you're all alone, huh? MARISSA: Yeah, but I'm fine, no worries. See you guys around. MIGUEL: Okay, there's definitely a story there. WES: Oh, yeah. MIGUEL: And it's not "We went to Harbor together." RYAN: Yeah, yeah, we dated, on and off for two and a half years. That'll do it. WES: Yeah. She seems nice. And lonely. RYAN: Well, listen, if you want to go talk to her... WES: Hey, hey, she's your ex, I'm your buddy. Not a good mix. RYAN: No, honestly. I'm gonna be in college with her, so I've got to get used to it. Really, go for it. WES: Sure you don't mind? RYAN: No. MIGUEL: So... let me tell you about Rush week. BROWN ANNA: Okay, look, there he is-- Dr. Overbee, Head of Admissions. What? What? SETH: Nothing, I'm just looking around. ANNA: Why are you acting like a fugitive? SETH: Uh, no, no, I'm just trying to stay under the radar. You never know who's gonna be at these things. ANNA: Well, focus. Have you thought about what you're gonna say to him? SETH: Uh, probably just gonna riff. You know? Uh, we're both dudes. I mean, even though he's got a bow tie and probably like nine Ph.D.s, underneath, I'm sure we're pretty much the same. ANNA: Could you maybe think of some talking points? SETH: Okay, shh. He's by himself. This is my moment. [SCENE_BREAK] SETH: Dr. Overbee. OVERBEE: Hi. [SCENE_BREAK] BOY: The fact is, the U.S. has been performing its own jihads for decades. Just instead of Allah, the killing is done in the name of oil. GIRL: Totally. SUMMER: You guys, what is a jihad? BOY: Exactly. GIRL: Way to reframe the question, Summer. [SCENE_BREAK] OVERBEE: What was your name again? SETH: Seth Cohen. You may remember me from my application essay on Superman. Lonely guy, Superman. OERBEE: I don't recall it at the moment, but if you're here today, I trust it was exceptional. SETH: Yeah, about that. Do you have a minute? You maybe want to take a walk, stretch your legs? OVERBEE: I'm sorry, this is a faculty reception, I have to be here. I should make the rounds. It was nice to meet you. SETH: Dr. Overbee, please. I really need to talk to you. If you can't do it now, name the time and place. All I need is five minutes. OVERBEE: I suppose I could see you here tomorrow around 5:00? SETH: Great, thank you so much. Thank you so much. SUMMER: Cohen? SETH: Oh, hey. What's going on? SUMMER: What the hell are you doing here? SETH: Ah... Providence in spring, can't beat it. SUMMER: So you are going to Brown. You just didn't want to come with me. ANNA: How'd it go? SUMMER: Anna. ANNA: Summer. SETH: You're probably really confused right about now. SUMMER: No, not at all. All of this, everything you've done up until now, finally makes sense. BERKELEY WES: So you and Ryan dated for how long? MARISSA: Couple years. But we've both been with other people since then. It's not exactly normal yet, but we're working on it. So where is Ryan anyway? WES: Tour of the architecture building. I never set foot in there, so I couldn't really show him around. MARISSA: Where do you hang out? WES: Poly-sci building. Sexy, right? It's my major. I'm just hoping it gets me into law school. MARISSA: My dad was a poly-sci major. No, you kind of remind me of him a little bit. The good parts, at least. WES: Well, if that's a compliment, I'll take it. MARISSA: It is. One second. WES: Hey, Ryan. RYAN: Hey. MARISSA: Hi. RYAN: I didn't know you were gonna be here. MARISSA: Yeah, I hope it's not weird that I am. I don't really know what the rules are between us. RYAN: Oh, me either. MARISSA: So I know the whole friendship thing didn't really work out in Newport, but... RYAN: That was Newport, you know? Everything feels different here. I'm willing to try. MARISSA: Hmm. Well, I don't know. You know, 'cause if I was in your circle of friends, I might accidentally let it slip that you used to do musicals. RYAN: I have enough dirt on you to last the next four years, so bring it on. MARISSA: That might be true. Anyway, you want to come sit with me and Wes? I want to hear about your architecture tour. RYAN: Really? MARISSA: Yeah. BROWN ANNA: Seth, it's okay. SETH: I'm sorry, I should have told you I was on a Summer mission. ANNA: Yeah, well, I should have known it. But I can't be mad at you when you're this pathetic. SETH: Thank you. ANNA: Now stop wallowing, and let's figure out how we're gonna get you out of this. SETH: Why do you want to help me? ANNA: It's the pathetic thing. It really works on me. Okay, look, here's a list of tomorrow's pre-frosh activities. Try and figure out which ones Summer might go to. SETH: I don't know. She's never been much of a joiner. Maybe the walking tour; she likes cardio. ANNA: Oh, good, you can go to that, you can talk to her. But now we've got to figure out what you're gonna say to Dr. Overbee. SETH: I don't know. If he didn't like my Superman essay, I'm out. ANNA: Seth, you flew all this way to win her back. Now have you five minutes with Dr. Overbee to make it happen. We're gonna write the speech. SETH: What have I done the last two years without you? ANNA: Honestly... I don't know. COHEN HOUSE SANDY: Hey. I got your message about the hospital dinner. KIRSTEN: Tomorrow night. Can you make it? SANDY: Absolutely. Maybe I can get some of these doctors excited about the new hospital. Hey! Ryan! How are my old stomping grounds? I'm happy to hear that. Hey, listen, you know what? I got a call that I got to take here. It's work. I'm going to hand you off to Kirsten, all right? Have fun. Hello. KIRSTEN: Hey, how's it going? RYAN: Hey, Kirsten, it's, um, it's actually kind of amazing. How are you? KIRSTEN: Fine. I'm good, fine. RYAN: You don't sound fine. KIRSTEN: Don't be silly. Tell me more about college. RYAN: Kirsten, what's going on? KIRSTEN: It can wait till you get home. RYAN: Okay, so there is something. KIRSTEN: It's really... it-it's not... it's not important. RYAN: Then you won't mind telling me what is it. KIRSTEN: I-I don't want you to overreact because that's probably what I am doing. I saw Theresa at the airport. She had a baby with her. It looked like her son. RYAN: An-And you think? KIRSTEN: I don't know what I think. BROWN ANNA: There she is. Now, remember, you're just gonna tell her the truth. SETH: Right. ANNA: Yes. SETH: Okay, all of it. [SCENE_BREAK] SETH: Summer, can I talk to you? SUMMER: Just leave me alone, Cohen. JACK: Hey, everyone. Hello. My name is Jack. I'm a sophomore here at Brown, and I'll be leading this walking tour. So long as everyone's got their name tags, we can get started. SETH: Look, I want to explain to you about everything. JACK: Uh, you in the, uh, striped shirt-- do you have a name tag? SETH: Uh... yeah. Yeah, I do. I'm all set. JACK: Kumar? Your-Your name is Kumar? SETH: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half Indian, I am half Jewish. I am a Hin-Jew. JACK: Well, good, good then. Um, well, come, everyone, right this way. Now to our left, we've got the main dining hall... SETH: Ever since we got our acceptance letters, I've been acting like a freak, I know that. SUMMER: Does this tour offer an audio option? You know, like when you get headsets at the museum? JACK: No. To the right, we have... SETH: Summer, you can't just ignore me forever. SUMMER: Oh, yes, I can. Don't you remember middle school? I was really good at ignoring you. Now, I'm just getting back into shape. SETH: Look, I promise you, I did not know Anna was going to be here. JACK: Hey, Kumar. Kumar, do you want to keep it down? SETH: Yeah, sorry. You're probably wondering about the Kumar thing. Uh, again, if you let me explain, I promise you it will all make sense. SUMMER: Oh, no. It already makes sense, okay? I don't need any explanation. You broke up with me 'cause you wanted to be free to date smart women in college. You got quite the head start. SETH: Summer, that is so not it. SUMMER: Look, you already ruined senior year for me. There's nothing I can do about that now. I'm not going to let you ruin college, too. Now will you please just leave me alone? Please! COHEN HOUSE RYAN: Hi. KIRSTEN: Ryan. RYAN: I couldn't stay. KIRSTEN: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you. RYAN: No, no. I'm glad you did. It's funny. In a way, I was kind of expecting it. I mean, for once things were uncomplicated. How long could that last, right? KIRSTEN: Well, maybe it's not. RYAN: Yeah, yeah, I know. KIRSTEN: Whatever is going on with Theresa, we'll get to the bottom of it. I did some research on the Internet, and I found her address. RYAN: Oh, great, thanks. I'm going to put this in the pool house. KIRSTEN: Ryan, no matter what happens, we're behind you. BROWN SETH: Dr. Overbee, you made it. OVERBEE: Yes. Well, as I said, I've only got five minutes. SETH: Sure, sure, okay. You're a busy guy, and I have a tendency to ramble, which is why I've prepared this statement. Dr. Overbee, the following is a list of reasons why I should have gotten into Brown. OVERBEE: Wait a minute. You didn't get in? SETH: No, I didn't, but only because I'm sure there was some sort of clerical error, or maybe a human error. Maybe the computer froze. OVERBEE: Mr. Cohen, I was under the impression you were an admitted student. That's why I came to meet you. SETH: I know. But will you please just listen to me, and if you still don't want to let me in, at least I'll know I tried? OVERBEE: Okay. You have one minute. SETH: Then I'm going to have to sort of, uh, condense this, maybe make it more of a bullet point thing. Grades-- 3.8. Hmm? Uh, SATs-- 2250. That's not perfect, but I would say it's respectable. I was President of the Comic Book Club. I was also a member of the chess team, although I was extremely low-profile about it. OVERBEE: 30 seconds. SETH: Okay. Now, here's the part about how I belong on the East Coast, and... This is a little joke about the weather here, just to keep it light. It's pretty funny. And, uh... I guess that's about it. OVERBEE: That was compelling. But you misled me, and you wasted my time. So now I trust you'll show yourself off campus. SETH: Dr. Overbee, I have to get in here. Okay? And it's not just because I love it, although I do, I truly... I do. It's because of a girl. Her name is Summer Roberts, and she's going here, and if I don't get in, I'm going to lose her, and the rest of my life is going to be ruined. OVERBEE: So this is about a girl? SETH: Yes. It's about the girl. Do you get it? OVERBEE: I do. But we make commitments when we send out those letters, and for better or for worse, we stick to them. SETH: Please? OVERBEE: I wish I could help you, but you're going to have to do this yourself. Good luck. COHEN HOUSE SANDY: Ryan, I thought you weren't getting home until tomorrow. RYAN: Uh, Kirsten didn't tell you? SANDY: No, no, she didn't. RYAN: Yeah, I kind of figured I needed to get home and deal with this. SANDY: Right, right, of course. RYAN: You know, in case it turns out to be... SANDY: We'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. RYAN: Yeah, yeah. Okay. SANDY: All right. KIRSTEN AND SANDY' ROOM SANDY: You told him. KIRSTEN: I didn't think he'd come home. SANDY: Well, you know Ryan better than that. KIRSTEN: It just happened, you weren't there, you had to take a business call. SANDY: Oh, so you told Ryan about Theresa to punish me? KIRSTEN: I told him because he asked, because he has a right to know. SANDY: Theresa hasn't demanded anything of him, why should we? KIRSTEN: Being a father is important. Being a family is important. There was a time when you'd be making this argument. SANDY: What's that supposed to mean? KIRSTEN: You know what I'm talking about. SANDY: I know that we have to talk about this some more, and I can't right now. I got to go back to the office before dinner. KIRSTEN: It'll have to wait, fine. BERKELEY MARISSA: Oh, hey. WES: Hey. MARISSA: Here, let me help you. WES: Thank you. Oh, thanks. Staying dry? MARISSA: Yeah. Here. WES: Thanks. So, we are having some people back to our place later. You want to come by? MARISSA: Oh, well, I was supposed to go to a freshman barbecue, but considering the rain, I could be persuaded otherwise. WES: Good. You'll come over then. MARISSA: Hey, where's Ryan? WES: Uh, left this morning. MARISSA: He went home? WES: Yeah, some family emergency. Uh, it didn't seem like he wanted to talk about it, so, I didn't push it. MARISSA: Well, I should call him. Or shouldn't I? I don't know. Should I give him space? WES: It's not easy being friends with your ex, is it? Look, you know Ryan better than I do, but... seems like whatever was happening, it was private. He'll tell you if he wants. MARISSA: I guess so. WES: Well, this thing is getting heavy. MARISSA: Is that a hint? WES: Yeah, thanks. Here, I'll switch. MARISSA: Okay, here. WES: There we go. HOTEL RYAN: Hi. I'm looking for Theresa. Is she home? NANNY: Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Diaz won't be home until later. Can I help you? RYAN: I'm... Ryan Atwood. I'm an old friend. NANNY: Say hi, Daniel. RYAN: Hi, Daniel. This is Theresa's kid, huh? NANNY: Yeah. She's a terrific mom. I'll be sure to tell her that you stopped by. RYAN: Okay. NANNY: Okay. Bye. BERKELEY WES: Having a good time? MARISSA: Yeah. It seems like everyone is. WES: Yeah, wait till tomorrow. Come Sunday, all these people will be fighting for study carrels in the library. MARISSA: That's got to be tough. WES: Not everyone can handle it. I couldn't anyway. MARISSA: You? Please. You're like the model freshman. WES: You should have seen me last year. The truth is, this is my second stab at freshman year. Last go around didn't go so well. MARISSA: Why, what happened? WES: Uh, let's see. 1.5 GPA, too much partying. Went home after a few months. Realized I had to figure out what I wanted from college. MARISSA: I never would have guessed. WES: Well, not all pre-freshman are as gung ho as you. MARISSA: You bought that? WES: What, that was an act? MARISSA: Well, it wouldn't have been two years ago. I was the girl on yearbook, charity league, social chair-- whatever my mom told me to do. I got straight As... sometimes a "B" in math, but my dad was a whiz, so he'd help me. And then on the weekends, I rode my little sister's pony for fun. I even won some blue ribbons. WES: And then... what happened? MARISSA: Well, my dad lost all his money... the pony lost all its hair, and my mom kind of lost her mind. Also, I got kicked out of school, and my friend died. I guess everything happened. And then at some point, I just... stopped being the girl who belonged at college... or anywhere, for that matter. WES: Everyone belongs somewhere. MARISSA: Maybe not everyone. Maybe some people just get lost. POOLHOUSE RYAN: I won't know anything till I talk to Theresa. I'm just... just going to have to wait. SETH: Yeah, well, not to worry. I'm on the next flight home. I'm just waiting on my cab. RYAN: Seth, you don't have to come home early on my account. SETH: Oh, there are a lot of reasons, trust me. See you when I get home. BROWN ANNA: Get in. SETH: Hey. ANNA: Hey. SETH: Are you giving me a ride to the airport? ANNA: Eventually. SETH: My plane leaves in, like, an hour or so. ANNA: Well, that is just enough time to make a quick stop at RISD. SETH: You mean the Rhode Island School of Design? ANNA: You're going to apply, and this is your application. SETH: Where'd you get this? ANNA: I, uh... I had my mom FedEx it. You know, just in case The Ironist failed and Dr. Overbee didn't go for the quick quips and pop-culture-laden bromides. No, I have an in there: my cousin. SETH: Anna... ANNA: Hmm? If you get in, you'll be in the same state as Summer, and the good news is, it is a very small state. SETH: I know, I know, but that's, like, one of the best art schools in the country, and as much as I love the face-to-face college rejection, I think I should just cut my losses on this one. ANNA: Cohen. SETH: Yeah? ANNA: Confidence, remember? SETH: Right. ANNA: Good. All right, we're going to RISD. RESTAURANT JULIE: Kiki, you made it. NEIL: Hey, here's the man of the hour. SANDY: It's good to see you, Neil. NEIL: Hi, Sandy. SANDY: Hey, Julie. JULIE: Hey. NEIL: Kirsten, you look lovely. KIRSTEN: Thank you. NEIL: Would you ladies excuse us? Some doctors want to meet this fella. SANDY: That'd be great. Excuse me. JULIE: Uh-oh, what's wrong? KIRSTEN: Long story. JULIE: Oh... and now you have to watch him work the crowd all night, and it's because of me. KIRSTEN: No, Julie, it's okay. I wouldn't have bailed on you. JULIE: Okay, well, then let me return the favor. Come on, let's go hide out by the crab dip. Maybe we could flirt with one of the bartenders. COHEN HOUSE MARISSA: Hi. RYAN: Hey. MARISSA: I just wanted to see if you were okay. RYAN: Yeah. You, uh... you bailed early, too, huh? MARISSA: Yeah. RYAN: Come in. So Berkeley didn't live up to the hype? MARISSA: Yeah, well, it's not really Berkeley's fault. I was sort of asking a lot of it. RYAN: To take you away from every problem you've ever had here? MARISSA: Something like that. So, you don't have to tell me, but... RYAN: Oh, it's Theresa. She did have a baby. MARISSA: Oh, my God. RYAN: I haven't talked to her yet, so I'm not sure... if I'm the father or not. MARISSA: Well, what makes you think you're the father and not Eddie? RYAN: Uh, because when I was at Berkeley, I... I just felt like I was living somebody else's life, and, um, then I heard the news, and... I don't know. It's like, boom, back to being me. MARISSA: But when you were at Berkeley, it felt right, didn't it? I could see it on your face. RYAN: Yeah, yeah, it did. MARISSA: Well, then you'll get back there... no matter what happens with Theresa. RESTAURANT SANDY: Hello, everyone. As the new guy in these circles, I'd like to thank Neil and Julie for inviting us here tonight, and I'd like to welcome you all to lend your talent and expertise to the new hospital, because I am going to need all the help I can get. As you know, behind every successful man is a very surprised woman. I'd like you to meet the former head of the Newport Group and really the brains behind the organization, my lovely wife, Kirsten Cohen. NEIL: Kirsten, how do you think your husband is doing running the Newport Group? NEIL: I guess she's still surprised. KIRSTEN: I'd like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen...who has told me countless times over the last year how important this hospital is to him. JULIE: Ouch. KIRSTEN: You know, they say that when you grow up, you marry your father. I thought I'd escaped that. ROBERTS HOUSE MARISSA: Seth is going to Brown, and he's dating Anna? SUMMER: I know! Is your brain exploding? MARISSA: A little. How did he explain himself? SUMMER: He didn't. Okay, well, he tried to, but you know how I get, Coop. The rage makes it hard to talk, let alone listen. MARISSA: Well, I mean, don't assume anything until you hear what he has to say. You don't know for sure they're dating. SUMMER: So how was Berkeley? Was it amazing? MARISSA: Yeah. I mean, it could be... if I was ready for it. I just don't know that I am. SUMMER: Well, I believe in you, Coop. I'll see you in eight short hours, okay? MARISSA: Okay. Bye. AIRPORT ANNA: I am beyond happy for you right now. I'm like, uh, Christmas-morning, won-the-lottery level happy for you. SETH: Well, the RISD guy only said he was impressed. ANNA: Mm-mm, he said very impressed, and in scenarios like these, verys are important. SETH: Well, if I get in, it's all 'cause of you. ANNA: No. It's your comic book. And your plane's about to leave. SETH: Well, thank you, really. All right. ANNA: Okay. See you soon. Call me. SETH: Will do. COHEN HOUSE THERESA: Ryan. RYAN: Hi. THERESA: I don't know how you found me. RYAN: Uh, look, I just need to know. THERESA: He's not yours, Ryan. Eddie's the father. We got a paternity test and everything. I'm sorry that I wasn't honest with you, but I saw how your life opened up when you met the Cohens, and I... RYAN: Is Eddie helping you out? THERESA: Are you kidding? That bum. RYAN: I would've, you know, for what it's worth. THERESA: I know that. RYAN: Even if it hadn't have been mine. THERESA: I know, that's why I didn't tell you. But believe it or not, I'm doing okay on my own. RYAN: Yeah, seems like it. THERESA: Yeah. RYAN: I saw the apartment. THERESA: Yeah, I got a job at this hotel, and then I got promoted and I got promoted again and again, and suddenly, I have myself a career. RYAN: And a kid: Daniel. THERESA: Yeah. RYAN: How is he? THERESA: How much time do you have? RYAN: I don't know. You want to go grab a bite and tell me about him? THERESA: Yeah, I'd like that. RYAN: Yeah? THERESA: Yeah. It's good to see you again, Ryan. RYAN: Yeah, it's good to see you.

Plan: A: Marissa; Q: Who leaves Newport with Ryan to attend an orientation at UC Berkeley? A: a familiar face; Q: Who does Seth see at Brown? A: Summer's displeasure; Q: What does Seth's visit to Brown cause? A: Kirsten; Q: Who is surprised to see someone from the family's past at the airport? A: support; Q: What does Kirsten turn to Sandy for? Summary: Ryan and Marissa leave Newport to attend an orientation at UC Berkeley, while Seth visits Brown and sees a familiar face, to Summer's displeasure. Kirsten is surprised to see someone from the family's past at the airport, and turns to Sandy for support.

Chateaudun, France Sark is escorted onto a plane. [SCENE_BREAK] Dixon's Home - Los Angeles - CA Sydney's on the phone to Dixon, who's at home. SYDNEY: (cell) Sark's on flight 0028. It left Chateaudun Air Force Base 12 hours ago. They're due to arrive here in two hours. We're coordinating with security to set up a perimeter around the landing area. DIXON: (cell) Good. The intelligence committee is sending Senator Reed to oversee the interrogation. SYDNEY: (cell) Why the sudden interest from Washington? DIXON: (cell) Sark is a key player now. They expect us to bleed him dry. A car honks. DIXON: (cell) Hold on a second. Dixon turns back toward his house. DIXON: Robin, Steven, Connor's dad's here. ROBIN: Bye, dad. STEVEN: Later. DIXON: Whoa whoa whoa. Heads. He kisses their foreheads. STEVEN: Dad! Connor's watching. DIXON: Go. DIXON: (cell) Sorry about that. All information concerning the case is being strictly compartmentalized. If we have any informational leak in the next few days, we'll know it came from inside the Rotunda. SYDNEY: (cell) Copy that. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA Lauren's hacking into a FAA system using Barnett's account. Don't ask me why Barnett has access to FAA flight tracking systems. Vaughn arrives, and Lauren quickly switches windows to a list of questions she's supposed to be planning to ask Sark. VAUGHN: Hey. LAUREN: Hey. VAUGHN: How's it going? LAUREN: I'm compiling a list of questions I plan on asking Sark during his interrogation. VAUGHN: That's it? Wasn't your father supposed to arrive like an hour ago? LAUREN: He went straight into a meeting with Jack Bristow and Director Dixon. VAUGHN: Are you going to be okay while he's here? LAUREN: I guess I'm about to find out. [SCENE_BREAK] Conference Room - Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA REED: Washington's gone to great lengths to secure Mr. Sark's extradition from the French. They're expecting results, and delivering them will strengthen my case when the appropriations bill for your task force comes before my committee next month. DIXON: We appreciate your efforts, Senator. Um, Sark's transport will be arriving at Dover Airfield within the hour. Agents Bristow and Weiss are on site to escort him into custody. JACK: Based on recently acquired intelligence, we know Sark was promoted to co-command the Covenant's North American operations. It's imperative we learn the identity of his associate. Lauren enters. LAUREN: Excuse me. REED: Ah. There you are. LAUREN: Hello, Dad. Good to see you. DIXON: Please sit, Lauren. This concerns you as well. DIXON: Once Sark is in custody, he will be transferred to medical services and prepped for the Inferno protocol. LAUREN: It's my understanding that 50% of the test subjects suffered cardiac arrest during that procedure. The United States is not in the business of torturing witnesses for information. REED: Mr. Sark is not being classified as a prisoner of war. He has no protections under the Geneva convention. LAUREN: But given Sark's history of selling out his employers, is it even necessary? He's likely to comply quite willingly. JACK: That may have been true in the past, but he now has 800 million dollars invested in this organization. His loyalties will lie with his money. REED: All relevant materials you have should be turned over to Jack. He will be conducting the interrogation. DIXON: This has been cleared through your superiors. Langley's requested certain questions be included, some of which contain information that exceeds your classification level. LAUREN: I understand. JACK: I'll review this immediately. The phone rings, and Dixon picks up. DIXON: Director Dixon. JACK: Given Sark's importance to the Covenant, we can't rule out the possibility of a rescue attempt. DIXON: Okay, put her through. JACK: ... level 3 containment procedures into effect immediately, and lock... DIXON: Yes, this is he. No, they're not sick. JACK: ... op-tech is coordinating ... Lauren's staring at Dixon with an "I know something you don't" look. DIXON: I don't understand. Their carpool picked them up hours ago. The background conversation stops. Everyone looks at Dixon. [SCENE_BREAK] Dover Airfield - CA WEISS: Okay, this cannot be good. SYDNEY: Sark was supposed to land twenty minutes ago. WEISS: Yeah. Sydney's phone rings. SYDNEY: (cell) Agent Bristow here. We're on our way. SYDNEY: Sark's plane just landed in the middle of the desert, sixty miles east of here. [SCENE_BREAK] Desert - CA A bunch of police cars approach an isolated plane. Some Marines are guarding it. DIXON: Is the area secure? WEISS: (comm) Copy that. Nobody's gotten on or off the plane since it landed. They walk through the plane, guns drawn. The agents and pilots are all dead and frozen. Sydney finds Sark's seat. The handcuffs are still there, but Sark is gone. SYDNEY: (comm) Sark's gone. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA VAUGHN: The plane landed on autopilot, and we checked the body count against the crew manifest. One of Sark's armed guards was missing. JACK: If Sark had an accomplice, we have to operate on the assumption that he made it out alive. Passengers were frozen indicating that Sark may have parachuted at altitude, leaving the cabin depressurized. VAUGHN: Well, Marshall's pulling the satellite feeds right now. If Sark punched out within a one hundred mile radius, we should be able to narrow our search grid. JACK: Put together a team. Be ready to move on Marshall's lead. Vaughn walks off. Dixon walks up. JACK: Sydney and Weiss are on their way back with the flight recorders. DIXON: Steven and Robin didn't show up at school. I even tried their cell phones. Traded calls with relatives, friends, our neighbors, the police. Dixon's phone rings. DIXON: It's Robin, thank God. DIXON: (cell) Where have you been? SARK: (cell) We have your children. They're safe, and they will remain so assuming you follow our demands precisely. [SCENE_BREAK] Title sequence [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA JACK: Our calculations suggest that the Covenant abducted these children between 8:30 and 8:45 A.M. In exchange for their safe return, Sark is demanding the release of these men: five Covenant operatives currently in custody, apprehended within the past year. We have 48 hours. VAUGHN: That's impossible. Aren't all of these prisoners being held by different governments? LAUREN: Yes, and even in the event that we could coordinate the release of these prisoners, the diplomatic feat required would take days if not longer. SYDNEY: Which is why we should being working on securing their release immediately. REED: It's not that simple. There's a reason we don't negotiate with terrorists. It sets a dangerous precedent. SYDNEY: As would not doing everything in our power to protect those children. REED: And who's to say that next week the same criminal organization won't target the children of others working in intelligence? SYDNEY: We are not discussing some hypothetical family. REED: The Covenant abducted these hostages. DIXON: Steven and Robin. REED: Excuse me? DIXON: Their names: Steven and Robin. REED: I only suggest that for the safety of all of our families, we may need to find an alternative. DIXON: Anyone else? VAUGHN: Marshall is analyzing the data recorder from the plane. It may give us a lead. SYDNEY: May I also suggest we at least begin negotiations with the countries holding these prisoners. JACK: Whether or not we trade, as Ms. Reed mentioned this will be a lengthy process. We can use the negotiations to buy time while having the Covenant believing we are proceeding in good faith. DIXON: Then that's how we'll proceed. DIXON: One last thing. The only thing that we do know for certain. Sark managed his escape because he was provided with information that could only have come from this office. I want this leak identified. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda. Lauren and Sark on the phone. LAUREN: They're doing exactly as we expected. SARK: The advantages of having a predictable adversary. LAUREN: Not to mention someone on the inside. SARK: Yes, indeed. Which brings me to my next question. Our superiors would like to know how your efforts in securing a scapegoat are progressing. LAUREN: I've already taken care of it. [SCENE_BREAK] OMNIFAM - Zurich - Switzerland (over speakerphone) SECRETARY: Oui, Monsieur Sloane. SLOANE: Tell Carl that Judy is on her way down. SECRETARY: Oui, Monsieur Sloane. SLOANE: The limo is here. BARNETT: I don't want to go. SLOANE: Then don't. BARNETT: I have used up all my sick days and every conceivable excuse. I have got to get back to work. You may find this hard to believe, but I am usually very professional. SLOANE: Why would I find that hard to believe? I found our time together very therapeutic. BARNETT: If the agency finds out... SLOANE: They won't. BARNETT: I will be totally discredited. SLOANE: No one will know. I give you my word. BARNETT: I wish that were enough. BARNETT: Mmm, Judy, I'm not going to see you again, am I? She smiles sadly. They kiss. BARNETT: I should go. [SCENE_BREAK] Marshall's Office - Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA MARSHALL: This is the last communication from the crew. SARK: Tell them you're experiencing a radio failure, or you're both dead. PILOT: Albuquerque Center, November-Niner-Seven, we're experiencing intermittent communications failure. Nothing to worry about. GROUND: November-Niner-Seven, copy that. Continue your approach. Gunshot. PILOT: Please, don't... Gunshot. MARSHALL: Now, we assumed Sark bailed out over New Mexico, but check this out. Twenty minutes later the recorder picked up some faint noise. DIXON: Can you be more specific? MARSHALL: Yeah. I enhanced the audio, and it turns out our friend Mr. Sark made a phone call. SARK: Notify the extraction team. I should be at the LZ on schedule. ... Do we have the hostages? ... Excellent. ... Not if I see you first, love. MARSHALL: Sark was still on the plane once they passed New Mexico. JACK: In that case, that would put him in... MARSHALL: Arizona. I tasked Echelon to focus on a two hundred-mile radius around the estimated drop point, added the appropriate keywords to the dictionary. Sark must have gone south, because Echelon picked up a burst of Covenant communications from a warehouse in Nogales. I believe they might be holding your children there. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA DIXON: Based on Marshall's intel, I have the authority to go tactical right now and attempt a rescue. JACK: Or you can continue the negotiations. DIXON: I need an honest assessment, Jack. JACK: The last time we did business with the Covenant, they killed a hostage as a negotiation tactic. If history is any indication, they may kill one of your children to compel us to meet their demands. DIXON: What if we give in to their demands? JACK: There's no guarantee they'll let them go unharmed. DIXON: And if we attempt rescue, the risks are equally high. JACK: I'm sorry. DIXON: Prepare the tactical option. [SCENE_BREAK] "NOG[A]LES" - AZ (pushthrough) [SCENE_BREAK] DIXON: (comm) Marshall, we're in place and we're disabling the alarm system MARSHALL: (comm) Okay, once the alarms are down, you need to access the closed circuit feed. VAUGHN: (comm) Perimeter's clear. SYDNEY: (comm) Alarms are down. We're hacking into the closed circuit feed now. MARSHALL: (comm) Okay. Receiving images. Okay, there they are. I see them. The children are inside. Mapping coordinates. They're one level down. DIXON: (comm) Let's go. They go down some stairs. DIXON: (comm) Marshall, anything? They go down a hallway. MARSHALL: (comm) Okay, try the first door on your right. Dixon kicks the door in. DIXON: Robin! Steven! DIXON: Marshall, they're not here. MARSHALL: No no, that doesn't make any sense. Hold on, let me do a rescan. Weiss finds a timer panel for a bomb. WEISS: Oh my God. VAUGHN: (comm) We've got an explosive device on a timer. A minute twelve left to go. MARSHALL: (comm) Copy that, Boy Scout. I'm checking it out right now. Sydney and Dixon find another one. SYDNEY: (comm) Marshall, it's another explosive. 59 seconds. MARSHALL: (comm) Copy that, Mountaineer. Can you approach, describe it to me? SYDNEY: (comm) It's got a wireless receiver. MARSHALL: (comm) Oh my God, Sydney. The bomb is connected to a wireless network. There are six other charges. You need to get out. Now! SYDNEY: (comm) The whole place is rigged. DIXON: (comm) Team, fall back, now! I'm going for my children. WEISS: (comm) Copy that. WEISS: We've got to go. Dixon runs around a corner and down a tunnel. Sydney's running after him. DIXON: Steven! Robin! SYDNEY: Dixon! Marshall's watching the video, he notices something weird. MARSHALL: No, no. This can't be, this can't be. MARSHALL: (comm) Mountaineer, Mountaineer, listen. The children are not in the building. The tape is on a loop. It's a trap. Get out of there. SYDNEY: (comm) Dixon! Marshall says the tape is on a loop! We've got to get out of here! DIXON: I can't leave them! SYDNEY: But they're not here! DIXON: (out of control, screaming) We don't know that! SYDNEY: Dixon, if you stay here, you are going to die. Robin and Steven are out there, they need you to find them. Dixon, go! Everyone runs out of the warehouse as it explodes. [SCENE_BREAK] Marshall's Office - Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA JACK: Marshall, I need you to pull up the server logs for the classified FAA database. MARSHALL: Sure, uh, what are we looking for? JACK: Everyone who accessed Sark's flight information. Filter it to show only the results from the last two days. MARSHALL: Okay. Sure, no problem. The list narrows. JACK: There. That's not one of our internal IP addresses, is it? MARSHALL: No, it's not. It looks like they logged on using Dr. Barnett's account. MARSHALL: That's interesting. They tried to spoof their IP by bouncing it off several servers. JACK: Can you find the origin? MARSHALL: I think so. The last hop is shown: Loc: Zurich, Switzerland IP: 517.2103.0303.299418.1818 OMNIFAM FOUNDATION [SCENE_BREAK] OMNIFAM - Zurich - Switzerland Jack and two goons enter with a search warrant. SLOANE: Jack. To what do I owe this pleasure? JACK: I take no pleasure in this, Arvin. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda Prison - Los Angeles - CA DIXON: You're dismissed. Go. DIXON: It wasn't enough for you that I saw my wife die? SLOANE: I'm afraid I don't understand. DIXON: They are children! Children! SLOANE: If I only knew what I was being accused of, I... DIXON: You gave information to the Covenant. It's because of you my children are missing. SLOANE: Dixon, I'm sor... DIXON: The mistake I made was not putting a bullet in your head three years ago when I had the chance. Sydney runs up. SYDNEY: Dixon, no! You can't do this! DIXON: Sydney, get out of here. I don't want you to see this. SYDNEY: If you kill him, it will be you locked up in this cage. Is that what you want? DIXON: I want my children back! SYDNEY: Well this is not the way to help them. We'll find them. We'll find them, Dixon. We'll bring them home. DIXON: Sydney, for the last time, get out of here. SYDNEY: What would Diane say if she saw you like this? What about your kids? They need you. What would they want you to do? What would they want you to do, Marcus? Dixon puts the gun away and walks out. SLOANE: Sydney, I didn't do this. Sydney walks away. [SCENE_BREAK] Dixon's Home - Los Angeles - CA (night) Dixon breaks down on the steering wheel. Steven appears out of the night walking toward the car. Dixon gets out and runs toward him. DIXON: Steven! STEVEN: Daddy. DIXON: Are you alright? Where's your sister? You need to tell me where's Robin? A phone rings. STEVEN: They want to talk to you. Dixon answers. [SCENE_BREAK] Conference Room - Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA Dixon's holding back tears. DIXON: They said they wanted me to watch my children die. They wanted me to know what it felt like. The Covenant knew we'd come. They fed us Echelon intercepts, dangled the whereabouts of my children like bait. DIXON: The Covenant is now demanding the immediate release of ten prisoners. Any further attempts on our part to out-maneuver them, and they have sworn I will never see my daughter again. DIXON: If I told you I was capable of processing all of this, I'd be lying. All I know is my daughter is out there, and because of a failed rescue mission I sanctioned, she is in even more danger. [SCENE_BREAK] DIXON: The emotional toll this has taken, and my current state of mind convinces me I am no longer the best guarantee of her return. Therefore, I am stepping down temporarily as director of this task force until this matter is resolved. DIXON: Jack, I trust you will stand in my stead and do everything in your power to bring my daughter back to me. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA REED: Jack, I've already put in calls to State. We're going to do everything in our power to meet the Covenant's demands. JACK: I appreciate it. JACK: The Covenant's agenda is rash. There's something behind the boldness of their demands. REED: Like what? JACK: I don't know, but until we determine what it is, we should proceed negotiating for the release of the prisoners. [SCENE_BREAK] Hospital - Los Angeles - CA Sydney knocks. SYDNEY: How's he doing? DIXON: He's dehydrated, but I think the damage is more emotional than physical? SYDNEY: So, what can I do? DIXON: Sydney, Steven was sent back with a message, but it had nothing to do with releasing prisoners. SYDNEY: I don't get it. DIXON: They told me if I disclosed their true demands to the CIA, Robin will die. SYDNEY: What do they want? DIXON: A Rambaldi artifact from Project Blackhole in the Nevada desert. Lot 45, I don't know what it is. SYDNEY: Why the false demands? DIXON: To keep the CIA occupied. The Covenant is aware that I have clearance to enter the DSR facility. I have personal access codes. SYDNEY: Access codes that can be traced back to you. DIXON: My daughter's life is in their hands. If I could do this alone, I would. SYDNEY: Whatever you need. [SCENE_BREAK] "NEVA[D]A DESERT" - NV (pushthrough) [SCENE_BREAK] Sydney's driving around in a dune buggy. She crosses into a restricted area, and some guards stop her. Number on dune buggy: 933 1033 CRR GUARD: Miss, this is a restricted area. SYDNEY: Dude! This is sweet. I'm psyched to run into you. I was dune'ing with my buddies and I got separated. Been just going in a circle for about an hour. GUARD: Miss, you are not supposed to be here. SYDNEY: I'm not? The map says... have a look. She bends over to get the map from the buggy. The guard stares at her ass, then approaches. SYDNEY: Can you ever read these things? I can never tell... Sydney knocks the guard out with a stun gun. (Note: they don't work like that.) SYDNEY: (comm) Dixon, I'm in position. [SCENE_BREAK] Project Blackhole Compound - Nevada Desert - NV Dixon begins to drive up to the gate. DIXON: (comm) Copy that. Arriving now. He stops at a guard station. DIXON: The Director of Research is expecting me. The guard looks over Dixon's papers and waves him through. DIXON: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Project Blackhole Compound - Nevada Desert - NV Dixon and Erin are walking inside the compound, still outside... DIXON: I haven't had a chance to congratulate you on your promotion, Erin. ERIN: Thank you for the recommendation. ERIN: I'm sorry about your daughter. If there's anything we can do... DIXON: I believe there is. Does the term countershadow mean anything to you? ERIN: I'm not sure about countershadow. There are specific references to shadows in neo-paganism. There's over a dozen references in the Bible. DIXON: Anything Rambaldi related? My son said his captors mentioned the word "countershadow". That's all I have to go on. I need access to a research terminal for an hour or so. ERIN: Not a problem. Mind if I tag along? (pause) Actually, I have to tag along. We're at a code orange. You understand. DIXON: I understand. I instituted the protocol. She laughs. [SCENE_BREAK] Project Blackhole Compound - Nevada Desert - NV Sydney stops near a vent. She puts on some weird suit, then uses a cable to lowers herself into the steam vent. SYDNEY: (comm) Dixon, I've breached the grate. ERIN: Most of the files are cross-referenced within the archive, but we should also check the historical database. SYDNEY: (comm) It's still sealed! DIXON: This'll take more time than I thought. Coffee? ERIN: Sure, I'll have some brought in. SYDNEY: (comm) Heat bubbles are getting critical. I'm going to have to abort. Dixon acts as if he's about to faint. ERIN: Are you alright? DIXON: I'm sorry. All this, hits at the strangest times. ERIN: I understand. DIXON: Do you pray, Erin? ERIN: No. I'm agnostic, actually. SYDNEY: (comm) Dixon, the temperature is at 248 degrees and rising. Dixon folds his hands and starts praying silently. ERIN: Why don't I give you a moment. DIXON: (comm) Sydney, I'm patching into the security console, now. SYDNEY: (comm) I'm through the grate. SYDNEY: (comm) I'm in. SYDNEY: (comm) This place. They've got every Rambaldi artifact ever collected. Sydney walks around. A blow-up of the Rambaldi page depicting Sydney is on a wall. Lot 49 is the infrared-ray weapon from Firebomb. Lot 47 looks like a treasure chest. SYDNEY: (comm) Dixon, lot 45 is gone. SYDNEY: (comm) Dixon, what do I do? DIXON: (comm) Give me a second, I'll try to find it. ... It's been moved to analysis, level 8, quadrant 1. SYDNEY: (comm) I'm on my way. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda Prison - Los Angeles - CA JACK: These negotiations are meant to fail. Why? SLOANE: I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. JACK: All of the resources of this agency are being diverted to meet demands the Covenant must know are unattainable, which leads me to believe it's merely a distraction. What do they really want? SLOANE: Well, then my question to you is why target Dixon? What does he have access to, Jack? SLOANE: Come on, Jack. If you want my help, you're just going to have to trust me. JACK: He has access to Project Blackhole. [SCENE_BREAK] Project Blackhole Compound - Nevada Desert - NV DIXON: (comm) Proceed down the north corridor until you reach the central lab, room 74. That's where they're holding lot 45. SYDNEY: (comm) I'm approaching the door. It's locked. DIXON: (comm) I'm working on it. DIXON: (comm) Got it. Sydney enters. There's a three-armed laser gizmo scanning the artifact. SYDNEY: (comm) I see it. DIXON: (comm) Good. Can you get to it? SYDNEY: (comm) I can try. DIXON: (comm) Go ahead. She manages to get the artifact. The arms go crazy, almost hitting her. She pulls some wires out of an arm, and soon after it moves away, up toward the ceiling. SYDNEY: (comm) I've got the artifact. I'll meet you at the rendezvous point. DIXON: (comm) Copy that. As Sydney puts the cube into the case she brought, she notices the word "Irina" carved into the cube. [SCENE_BREAK] Lobby - Project Blackhole Compound - Nevada Desert - NV ERIN: Director Dixon! You forgot the hard copy. DIXON: Oh, thank you. You saved me a trip back here. ERIN: Uh huh. You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda Corner - Los Angeles - CA LAUREN: (cell) I got your message. SARK: (cell) Dixon made contact. He's prepared to make the exchange. LAUREN: (cell) I understand. SARK: (cell) I must admit, I wasn't sure the good Director had it in him. I'm impressed. LAUREN: (cell) That man is living through his worst nightmare. You might consider losing the sarcasm. SARK: (cell) How touching. You actually care. LAUREN: (cell) When is the meet? SARK: (cell) Four hours. Make sure nothing interferes. [SCENE_BREAK] Some rooftop parking garage - Los Angeles - CA Dixon and Sydney meet Jack. SYDNEY: What is this about? JACK: I know you removed an artifact from Project Blackhole to trade with the Covenant. I talked to Sloane. SYDNEY: Sloane? JACK: The Covenant is desperate to acquire a box constructed by Rambaldi. It's Sloane's understanding that they're close to locating a key to activate it. DIXON: And why should we trust a thing Sloane says? JACK: Because Sloane believes the contents of that box in the Covenant's hands will put Sydney's life in jeopardy, and I believe him. SYDNEY: Dad, there is something you should know. There's an inscription on the box. Mom's name. JACK: You cannot give the Covenant the artifact, not until we know more. DIXON: And by then Robin may be dead. Jack, if I had another option... JACK: We can produce a duplicate artifact, send in a team to the exchange site, apprehend Sark once the trade occurs. DIXON: If Sark in any way thinks we're trying to double-cross him, my daughter will suffer the consequences. I can't take that risk. JACK: I share your concern, which is why I'm committed to finding a way out of this without risking my daughter's life as well. SYDNEY: The difference is Robin didn't choose this life. I did. It's my decision to make, dad. The exchange is happening tomorrow. JACK: Then I'm going with you. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA REED: (phone) Tell the Algerian Minister that if he refuses, I will personally see to it that his foreign aid bill doesn't make it to the Senate floor. GOON: Sir, Project Blackhole has been compromised. REED: (phone) Tell him I'll call back. REED: Excuse me? GOON: Lot 45 is missing. A list has been compiled of all workers and visitors at the facility in the last 24 hours. REED: That'll be all. GOON: Yes, sir. REED: (phone) This is Senator Reed. I want Marcus Dixon's name added to the Federal watchlist, and I want a tactical team deployed to bring him into custody immediately. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA MARSHALL: What is it? LAUREN: Dixon needs your help. [SCENE_BREAK] L.A., outside, the same place the MINI trial run in The Italian Job was filmed Jack, Sydney, Dixon pull up in a Cadillac, license 4N170C2 (CA) [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA REED: (comm) Air Unit One, what's your status? AU1: Air Unit One engaging GPS to locate the target area. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Marshall's office VAUGHN: The helicopters are up. LAUREN: Marshall, we wouldn't ask you... MARSHALL: Listen, say no more. If anybody ever laid a hand on my mini-Mitch, I swear to you... (Exterior shot of the covenant car pulling up at the exchange.) MARSHALL: They're using a GPS navigation system to vector the choppers. VAUGHN: Meaning? MARSHALL: Well, I might be able to uplink to their GPS receiver and induce a deviation error. LAUREN: Might or can? MARSHALL: We'll find out soon enough. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside - Los Angeles - CA AU1: Air Unit One. Receiving GPS signal. We're proceeding to target area. Sark walks up. DIXON: I want my daughter. SARK: Once I take possession of lot 45, my associate will release her. You have my word. AU1: Air Unit One, we're over the contact area. There's no one here. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Marshall's office MARSHALL: Well, it looks like they're taking a little detour outside of Long Beach Harbor over the Pacific Ocean. LAUREN: Thank you so much, Marshall. [SCENE_BREAK] Exchange Site - Los Angeles - CA Sark opens the box. He's happy. The goon gets out of the car with Dixon's daughter. SARK: I'm afraid I'm going to need some insurance to guarantee I reach my extraction point safely. This collar contains a lethal cardiotoxin. Once I place this on your daughter, you'll have two minutes to disarm it before the compound is released into her system. DIXON: You son of a b****! That was not part of our agreement. SARK: This mechanism is well within your disarming capabilities. Two minutes is generous, in my opinion. DIXON: You will not put that on my daughter. SYDNEY: Use me instead! JACK: Sydney! SYDNEY: Put the collar on me. Sark looks at Dixon's daughter. SYDNEY: (pleading) She's thirteen years old. SARK: Very well. If you try to remove this device before disarming it, the injection is instantaneous. DIXON: Now I want my daughter. Sark nods. The goon releases her. SARK: As always, it has been a pleasure doing business with you. JACK: Sark! You don't deserve to walk out of here alive. He's pulled a sig. SARK: Before you consider taking any drastic measures, you should know that if I release my grip on this remote, the toxin will automatically go into your daughter's bloodstream. A failsafe, if you will. As I said, you have two minutes. SYDNEY: Get Robin out of here. JACK: Do it, now. Dixon puts Robin in the back of the car. JACK: Sydney, stay very still. He takes the cover off. JACK: The mechanism's armed. SYDNEY: Our best bet is to sever it's link to the relay board. JACK: I see it. It's wired to a meter. If we clip the lead, it'll register the voltage drop. SYDNEY: Dad. JACK: Easy. He clips the lead. JACK: It's okay. They hug. [SCENE_BREAK] Hospital - Los Angeles - CA Dixon's and his children are playing cards. Sydney stops by. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda Prison - Los Angeles - CA SLOANE: If I told you I was innocent of these charges, would you believe me? BARNETT: No. SLOANE: Look, Judy, why don't you ask yourself... if I wanted to damage you, if I wanted to damage the CIA, would I be so careless? Would I leave a trail that so obviously leads in my direction? BARNETT: You used me. I compromised my judgment because I believed that you had changed. You are incapable of it. SLOANE: If you can't trust me now, I accept that. All I ask is that you respect the confidentiality of what I told you regarding my affair with Irina. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA [SCENE_BREAK] LAUREN: I'm going home. VAUGHN: Have you seen your father? LAUREN: Haven't seen him. VAUGHN: Well, maybe that's a good thing. JACK: Lauren, Vaughn. It's come to my attention that Senator Reed's effort to retrieve lot 45 was thwarted inexplicably. VAUGHN: Well, I'd imagine the Senator will be gearing up for an inquiry, though I doubt he'll find any evidence of wrongdoing. JACK: Well, whoever intervened to save Robin's life, not to mention Sydney's, is owed my deepest gratitude. LAUREN: Good night, Jack. Jack walks away. VAUGHN: See you later. LAUREN: Not if I see you first, love. Jack hears this. He checks himself and the gears start turning.

Plan: A: Dixon's kids; Q: Who does Sydney attempt to rescue? A: Sark; Q: Who kidnaps Dixon's kids? A: a double agent; Q: What is Lauren's status? A: the test; Q: What is Lauren's status put to? A: her father; Q: Who does Lauren have to work with? A: a CIA mole; Q: What is Sloane framed as? Summary: Sydney attempts to rescue Dixon's kids after they are kidnapped by Sark, Lauren's status as a double agent is put to the test when she learns that she has to work with her father, and Sloane is framed as a CIA mole.

"ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES" Cast Dawson: James Van Der Beek Grams: Mary Beth Peil Joey: Kaite Holmes Bessie: Nina Repeta Pacey: Joshua Jackson Mitch: John Wesely Shipp Jen: Michelle Williams Gail: Mary-Margaret Humes Andie: Meredith Monroe Jack: Kerr Smith Abbey: Monica Keena *Cut to Dawson and his dad outside and his dad takes down the ladder.* Mitch: Now don't give me that look. I know there's been a lot of late night creeping around and I'm just taking some standard precautions. *Dawson and his dad start walking back towards the front door* Dawson: You are so in denial. Mitch: Excuse me? Dawson: Denial. You can't except the fact that the little boy that you brought into the world is grown up. I mean, he's a sexual being. Mitch: Are you having s*x with Joey? *Dawson reaches for the door* Dawson: No, I did not say that, but I am a sexual being responsible, mind you, but biologically a sexual being. *They go inside* Mitch: A sexual being? Dawson: Yep, and you are having trouble facing that reality. Dad, it's a typical parental problem. Do you know what? Mitch: No, what? Dawson: The sooner you accept that, the sooner you and I will have an honest relationship. Mitch: Mm-hm. Dawson. Are you...and Joey...having s*x? Dawson: No! Mitch: No? Dawson: No! Mitch: Thank you. *Dawson starts heading towards the stairs and up them* Dawson: But one day, down the road, I'm going to have s*x. And you're acting all paranoid...chucking ladders and locking windows is not going to stop me. Please, will you stop acting like a typical *makes the little quote unquote hand gesture* parent and just let things take their natural course. Let Joey and me hang out in my room, alone at night, unsupervised. *There's a break. Mitch thinks.* Mitch: No. *Mitch walks into Dawson's bedroom and looks around* Dawson: Why not? Mitch: Because, Dawson, the fact is I am a parent, alright? I am you parent and it's my duty to be paranoid about my 15 year old son upstairs in my own house having s*x! Dawson: You are so un-enlightened. Didn't you grow up in the 60s? *Mitch laughs.* Mitch: You can psychologically deconstruct me all you want, but here's the deal. *points to him* Parent me. *points to Dawson* Child you, alright? *He walks towards the doorway* Parent, me. Child...you. *He leaves and shuts the door* *Dawson smiles and looks towards the closet as the doors open and Joey climbs out and smiles. She walks towards him.* Dawson: He is such a tyrant. *Joey puts her arms around his neck.* Joey: You handled him well. Dawson: You think so? *They start kissing and Dawson's dad opens the door again catching them. Dawson and Joey smile.* Dawson: *acting surprised* Joey? What are you doing here? *They laugh.* Mitch: Uh, Joey, will you come with me please? *turning to Dawson* What did I just say, Dawson, what did I just say! Dawson: You, Jane, Me Tarzan? Mitch: No. Parent, me, grounded, you. Joey: Bye Dawson. *Mitch and Joey start to walk away. Dawson follows them out to the hall* Dawson: Bye Joey. I'll see you in a few minutes. *Joey turns around and looks at him* Mitch: No you won't. *Joey's house, a tea kettle is whistling on the stove. Joey walks in.* Joey: Bessie, your water's boiling. Bessie: What? Joey: Nevermind. *Bessie walks in with the baby* Bessie: Joey, I'm so glad you're still here. Yesterday I got a call from the health department. They're planning on doing an inspection on the Icehouse sometime this week. Can you go over there? Joey: Now? Bessie: Yeah, just make sure everything is put away and spic-and-span. You know, the last thing I need is the health department slapping us with some big, huge fine or, God forbid, shutting us down. *Joey is grabbing her backpack* Joey: You seem to be forgetting something and it's called first period. Bessie: Oh, come on, Joey, it will only take a minute and I've got to take Alexander to the sitter's. Joey: He's missing a shoe. Bessie: Alexander! You kicked off your shoe! *hands the baby to Joey* Here Joey, can you hold him? Look, Joey, please just do me this one favor. Go by the Icehouse *putting a shoe on Alexander* on your way to school. Please, will you? Joey: Fine, here! *with an irritated attitude* I gotta go then! Bessie: Hang on. *takes the baby* Here, here, here. Oh, and Joey, while you're there can you just wipe down the counters real quick so it looks clean? Joey: Fine. Bessie: Oh, and the freezer! Can you mop behind the freezer? I can't even remember the last time we did that. *Joey just stands there.* Bessie: Thanks, Joey, you're the greatest! *Cut to Dawson's house. Mitch is reading the paper when Dawson comes into the room.* Mitch: If it isn't the sexual being himself. Dawson: You know what I was thinkin'? Mitch: No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me. Dawson: Don't even try to tell me that when you were my age you weren't sneaking around making out with girls in the backs of cars and movie theaters. Mitch: You're right, I was. *Dawson raises his hands like he's proven his point.* Mitch: But that was the whole fun of being 15, Dawson. It was the fear of getting caught that made it more dangerous and exciting. Dawson: So by restricting my access to Joey what you're really trying to do is liven up my s*x life? *He walks towards the kitchen where Mrs. Leery is.* Did you hear that, Mom? Gail: What s*x life? Mitch: No, now you're twisting my words again, Dawson. Go to school. *Dawson laughs* Dawson: Did you ever notice that whenever your parental authority is in question that you just start barking out orders? Mitch: Go. Now. *Dawson kisses Mrs. Leery on the cheek.* Dawson: Bye Mom. Gail: Bye honey. *Dawson leaves.* Mitch: You know, I think our son is training to be a lawyer. He has become the master of manipulation. Gail: I wonder where he learned that. Mitch: Meaning? Gail: Meaning that you both can come to incredible rationalizations especially when it comes to acting out your sexual impulses. Mitch: Oh, listen, Gail, this whole idea of an open marriage...it's exactly that. It's an idea. I'm not going to force you into anything if you're against it. You against it? Gail: Well I'm not for it, but if that's what it takes... Mitch: No, enough said. Gail: No, if what you need is to get even with me and sow your oats then.. Mitch: Gail! Let's just drop it. Drop the whole thing. I don't want to fight about it. Gail: You don't? Mitch: No. Gail: I love you, Mitch. *She kisses him.* I'll see you after work. Mitch: Have a good one. *Cut to Capeside High* *Abby and Jen are walking down the sidewalk* Abby: I have a very important question for you and I need an answer immediately. Jen: What is it? Abby: Who would you rather have s*x with...Trey Carter or Jeff Birdwin? Jen: Uhh neither. Abby: Are you crazy? Look at them. Jen: What? They're a couple of gym junkies. They have no cultural interests, no inner lives of their own...all they do is play football and swap pornos. They're a couple of (missed word) Abby: Yeah, but it's like they're so completely disgusting that it's almost erotic. You know what I mean? God, I can't believe I'm friends with someone who only has eyes for Dawson Leery. Jen: Guilty as charged. Abby: Please! You're making me ill. Jen, look at me. I have three words for you: make it happen. Jen: Abby.. Abby: No! Don't "Abby" me. Make it happen. *Cut to Andie coming in the school doors and walking towards Pacey* Andie: Pacey, wait, I need your help. Pacey: Oh, God...here we go. Okay, Andie, I'm having a really mellow morning. I haven't had any car accidents, I haven't been diagnosed with any terminal defects, and I'd really just kind of like to keep a low pro so goodbye. Andie: Yeah, look, I'm sure there are a thousand dimwits with highlights and C-cups that you'd rather be talking to but you're the only person I know in Econ. so here's the deal. I left my backpack in my locker yesterday...can I borrow your notes over the reading? Pacey: I don't actually have any notes because I didn't do the reading. Don't give me the homework guilt trip, alright? That's what I have parents for. Andie: Did I say anything? I did not say anything. I'm just freaking out because what if Mr. Matick(?) calls on me in class? Pacey: Then you do what I always do, you say 'Pass.' Andie: Pacey, I don't say 'pass'. 'Pass' is not in my vocabulary. There's just, there's just no way. Pacey: Okay, settle down, it's just one homework assignment. It's not like you're flunking out of school. Andie: Yeah, I know that, but you get behind by one day, then you're always struggling to catch up. And then you just get more and more confused and then, next thing you know, you're out on the street, drunk and dirty wheeling a shopping cart. *Pacey leans down on his knees.* Pacey: Andie, you're rich. Rich people don't end up on the street, they end up in Florida. Andie: Mmm. *The bell rings* Pacey: Oh no, you're doomed! Andie: Come on! You've got to help me. I mean, do you know anybody that's in there? Do you know anybody that I could borrow notes from? *Cut to Econ. class* Teacher: And finally what is the difference between macroeconomics and microeconomics? Andie? Andie: Um...microeconomics is...microeconomics is when...*she glances over at a kid with his hand up* *quietly* Pass. Teacher: I'm sorry, what did you say? Andie: *louder* Pass. *Pacey gives her a thumbs up sign* Teacher: Kenny? Kenny: Microeconomics is the study of whole economic systems and how they inter-relate.When macroeconomics is study of individual areas of economic activity....like corporations. Teacher: Very good, well put. Thank you Kenny. Which leads me to your assignment. We're going to focus on the microeconomics of the family household. This week you're going to pair up and play a game I like to call "Alternative Lifestyles". *Joey looks over at Dawson* Teacher: (cont.) Now, in this hat, are all your names. You're going to choose a partner, I will assign you identities and then you are to prepare an extensive annual budget for your fictional household. I strongly recommend research trips into the field. How much money will you have to spend a year on food, clothing, travel? Now these are questions that every household must ask. And these are the questions I want you to answer. So let's begin. *He holds the hat above Andie.* Andie? *Andie picks one* Andie: Pacey Witter... Teacher: You and Pacey are a lower middle class family with three children. Pacey you're a busdriver. Andie you're a salesclerk. *Abby picks* Abby: Kenny Reily? Mr. Matick is it possible to switch partners? Teacher: No, it's not. *Jeff Birdwin picks* Jeff: Trey Carter. *They high five.* Teacher: You two, will be a well-to-do, same s*x couple. Trey you're going to be a pediatrician, Jeff you are an advertising executive. Trey: What do you mean as in same s*x? Teacher: Well, as in gay. And you're planning on getting married so your wedding expenses will have to be factored into your budget. Trey: What do you mean gay? *Dawson picks.* Dawson: *disappointed* Jen Lindley. Teacher: Okay, a wealthy couple, Dawson you're a stockbroker and Jen, you're an engineer. You've got two kids in college, a house at the beach, annual income, $400,000 a year. Last, but not least, Joey Potter. Odd woman out. That's okay, Joey, you will be a single successful single mother raising two kids on your own. Is that everybody? Good luck and don't spend all your money in one place. *Cut to cafeteria. Joey and Dawson.* Joey: This assignment is so lame. Pretending to be people we're never going to be, spending money we're never going to have, I mean, what's the point? Dawson: The point is getting us thinking about economic problems that we will be facing in the real world. Joey: Well, I hate to break it to you, Peter Pan, but some of us are already dealing with those problems. I mean this just gets me thinking about the future and how I have absolutely no idea about what I want to do with my life. Dawson: You have an idea. Joey: No, I don't. Admit it, Dawson, you've got it all mapped out. You're going to go off to Hollywood, become some high profile movie director, make millions of dollars, get a drug addiction, end up at the Betty Ford Center, marry some... Dawson: *laughing* Excuse me? Joey: When I close my eyes and think about where I'll be in 10 years it's blank, I have no idea. Dawson: You will, someday. Joey: This project is just going to depress me. Dawson: I think it will be fun. Joey: Oh, really, and are you as excited to partner up with Jen as she is? The look on her face was classic, Dawson. Dawson: Well, you have nothing to worry about. *Joey spots Jen.* Joey: Famous last words... [Image] *Abby and Jen at lunch. Jen is staring over at Dawson.* Abby: Ah, Jen, you're drooling! Look this is the moment of truth. You're going to be working with him all week long so the question is...are you going to be pantive and massikistic and piss me off? Or are you going to be proactive and grab him by the dipstick and make me proud! Jen: Abby, it's not that simple, alright? Take a look at him. He's totally into Joey. He's in love with her. Abby: He's a 15-year-old boy. He doesn't know what love is. All he does know is that he goes to sleep everynight jerkin' his gherkin and he wakes up every morning humping his mattress. *They laugh* *Kenny walks up.* Kenny: Excuse me, Abby? Hey. Abby: What? Who are you? Kenny: I'm Kenny Reily, I'm your partner in Econ. Abby: No you're not. Go away. Kenny: Look, I thought we should talk about our assignment. Abby: Um, could you just do the assignment and put my name on it? That'd be great. Thanks, Bye! *Kenny walks off* Abby: Anyways, I think it's time for a little bit of this New York City aggression. I mean, you have to show him the old, naughty Jen because this new Jen just isn't workin'. I mean, you're going to working together the whole week. It's the perfect opportunity. Late night study sessions, role playing like you guys are husband and wife...you can remind him of what a great couple you used to be and how compatible you two are. Jen: I don't know. I don't want to jump the gun, you know? Abby: I want you to jump the gun. His gun, and I want all the gory details. *Cut to the Icehouse. Jack is mopping. He dumps the water on the floor.* Joey: What are you doing? Haven't you ever mopped before? You dip the mop in the bucket, you don't dump the water on the floor. Jack: Look, I know I've made a few blunders, but I'm not a screw-up. Joey: Here. I'll do it. Don't worry about it. Just go wipe off the counters. *Bessie walks in* Bessie: What is going on here? Is something flooding? Joey: No, Jack...nevermind. I've taken care of it, but can we save some of this clean-up for tomorrow? Bessie: No way! This week we have to stay on top of everything. I'm so paranoid that the health department is just going to jump down our throats. Joey: It's just that I have this huge Econ. project due Friday. It's worth 1/3 of my grade. I have to prepare a household budget for a single career mother and I have no idea what I'm doing. Bessie: I'm virtually a single career mother. I can help you. Joey: No thanks, Bessie. You're not exactly the model for this assignment. First of all, she's a super successful career woman with $160,000 annual income. Bessie: Joey, maybe I'm not super successful but if there's one thing I know how to do it's budget money. Joey: You know, you're right. I should get some advice. I should find a single career mother who's living this assignment and ask her for help. Bessie: I can do it. You keep cleaning, and I'll advise. Joey: Thanks, Bess, but you can barely get your bills paid on time. Thanks for the offer but I think I'll find somebody else. *Cut to a coffee place.* Pacey: Dude, check out this Viper. Andie: Pacey, can you please put that down for one second? Is that possible? We are seriously over-budget by like $30,000. Pacey: I don't need the jacuzzi. As long as I get this Viper, everything will be alright. Andie: Pacey, you are a bus driver, and I am a salesclerk. We're not getting any Viper. Okay, I think the first decision that we should make should me where we're going to live. Since we have 3 kids, we should get a four-bedroom house. Pacey: Kids don't need their own rooms. You know, not everyone gets to grow up like you, very princess. Andie: I want a divorce. Pacey: Granted. We can split the cash, you can keep the kids, I'll take the car. Andie: That is so typical. Doesn't that sicken you that you're living up to the most common embase of all male stereotypes? You don't care about your wife and kids, no. All you care about is this overpriced piece of metal. Pacey: Hey it's got passenger side airbags. Look, I want a Viper. That's it. End of story. Andie: Okay, compromise. You'll get your Viper. If and only if we can find a buyable two-bedroom apartment. Pacey: And how are we supposed to do that? Andie: Well, Mr. Matick said we should do some research in the field so..let's go apartment scouting. *Cut to Mitch doing some work when a car pulls up and Gail and another guy pull up. The guy hands Gail her briefcase and she kisses him on the cheek. Mitch goes back to his work and Gail walks towards him.* Gail: Hi honey. Where's Dawson? Mitch: He's, uh, studying next door. Gail: What a day. Mitch: Yeah, I'll bet. Gail: I missed a deadline, the car wouldn't start, Frank from accounting had to give me a ride home. Mitch: Why didn't you call me? Gail: I thought it'd be easier if I got a ride. Mitch: With Frank from accounting. Gail: Please, don't tell me your mad about that. Mitch: Look, Gail, I know that Frank just gave you a ride home, alright? But I can't stop how I feel. There's no trust here, no honesty. I don't know what to do to get it back. I don't know maybe this idea of an open, this open marriage thing. Gail: Mitch.. Mitch: No, no, wait, wait, just here me out. Maybe, by taking away the rules, I can take away the need to trust you, and we can get back some of what we lost. Gail: Meaning? Mitch: Meaning from this moment on Thursday night is date night, we can go out with whomever we want, do whatever we want, when whatever we want, and the only rule is that we're honest about it. See, there's no need to lie, an open marriage allows us that. [SCENE_BREAK] *Cut to Dawson and Jen in Jen's room.* Dawson: Um, maybe we should send our kid's to state school. It would be a hell of a lot cheaper. Jen: Dawson, if we had kids they'd be Ivy League material. Dawson: These prices are astronomical. According to our tax bracket, we would have to earn $60,000 a year to send one kid to one year of college. *Jen is laughing.* Dawson: What are you laughing at? Jen: This conversation. I mean, listen to us talking about our mortgages, how we're going to afford to send our kids to college, I don't know, it's like we're actually married. Who knows maybe 20 years on down the line...could be us. Dawson: I think these travel expenses are a little bit unrealistic. I mean, we're going to want to go someplace warm in the winter, right? Jen: Yeah, somewhere like the Florida Keys...I've never been to Hawaii. Dawson: Jamaica. Jen: How 'bout Figi? Dawson: Figi! I could totally do Figi. That'd be cool. Um, we should, um, call our travel agent, do some price checking. Should we take the kids? Jen: No. They're in college they probably won't want to go with us. Dawson: They'll probably be sick of us. Jen: Besides, if we go alone it'd be much more romantic. Well, Dawson, we've agreed on practically every aspect of married life, I don't think we could be more compatible. *Dawson just lifts his eyebrow.* Jen: *puts her head on his shoulder.* You know, it's kind of a relief that you and me can still hang out. Dawson: Yeah... Jen: You know, it's funny. I have these moments when I feel as if nothing's really changed between us. *Dawson just stares off.* Jen: Kind of like right now. Dawson: Well, I think we've done enough work for tonight. What do you think? *He gets up and heads for the door* Jen: Um, Dawson, if you happen to get any inspiration on the assignment or just want to talk or whatever, I'm here for you. My door's always open. If you know what I mean. Dawson: I think so. I'll see you tomorrow. Jen: Bye. [Image] *Andie and Pacey are apartment scouting* Andie: What is that? Landlord: Rat trap. We have a little vermon infestation, not a big deal. Andie: You're renting the place, as is? Landlord: Yep. As is. Andie: Still want that Viper? Pacey: What are we doing here? Are we doing this project or are we moving in together? We've looked at twelve different apartment buildings and for what? Andie: Research. Mr. Matick told us to do research. Pacey: Yeah but the assignment is due tomorrow and we don't have a thing on paper. Andie: Is that my fault? Pacey: Yes! It is your fault. You're the one that's been leading us on this ridiculous apartment scavenger hunt. *They're walking down the stairs* Andie: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I actually got into this project, Pacey. I'm sorry I'm not the biggest slacker on the planet. Pacey: After all this, you still think I'm lazy. Andie: No, Pacey, there's lazy and then there's you. Are you trying to win some teen rebel award? I mean, do you think it's cool to give the finger to everything and everyone that doesn't fit into your little self-destructive agenda. Pacey: Let's get one thing straight. You don't know me. Andie: Well enlighten me. My econ. grade depends on it. Pacey: Okay, you want the broken record? Here it is. Since before the dawn of time, I have been designated the black sheep of my family. This label is permanent. I can't erase it, and I can't trade it in for a new one. I could bring home an 'A' in econ. or an 'F'. I could bring home the Nobel Peace Prize and it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference. So Miss Perky you try growing up in a family atmosphere like that and see if you can stay motivated. Andie: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Pacey: No, of course not. You were too busy getting into character. "Oh I'm just a salesclerk, a poor little salesclerk look for an apartment." You want to know the reason this assignment is so fascinating to you? In reality, you've never had a problem in your life. You drive around in your Saab, you buy your new clothes, and you basically throw your money away. The idea that people actually have to budget their money is like some novelty to you. You're rich and you're spoiled and that's what it comes down to! Andie: You know what, you're right. I don't know anything about me and you know even less about me so just leave me alone! Pacey: Andie, wait, I.... Landlord: So..are you going to take the apartment? *Cut to Joey looking at a model of a house* MissWeston: Hi. Joey: Hi. I'm Joey Potter. Thank you so much for seeing me Miss Weston. MissWeston: Oh please, Joey, call me Laura. Joey: Anyways, I know you're probably really busy but I'm preparing this household budget for Mr. Matick in your name since you're the living embodiment of a single, successful career woman. *She laughs* Joey: What's so funny? MissWeston: I don't know, I never thought I'd someday be thought of as the embodiment of a successful career woman. *to some guy* Dayle, can you bring me the filing portfolio? I need to look at it before the meeting. *the guy nods* Joey: Well you must have always been pretty ambitious to be doing so well, I mean... MissWeston: Aw, ambitious? Are you kidding? Not at all. A few years ago I was the quintessential housewife. Raising kids, staying home, no job. Growing up I'd always loved art and drawing so I went back to school. Now I'm teaching art and working as an interior designer. It's great because I spend half my time teaching, which I love, and spend the other half, in design. *a guy walks up* Thanks. Joey: You must be incredibly talented. MissWeston: Incredibly hard-working is what I am. Oh and Joey, we're doing the designs for a chain of Mexican restaurants. Come take a look at these floorplans. Joey: They look good to me. MissWeston: Look closer, do you see any potential problems? *Joey bends over and looks* Joey: Um...nevermind. MissWeston: No, no, what is it? Joey: You placed the kitchen and the bar and opposite ends of the restaurant. MissWeston: And why is that a problem? Joey: Well, I work in a restaurant and with it like that, the waiters have to place the kitchen orders and the drink orders separately. Everything takes twice as long and you end up running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. MissWeston: Mind if I pick your brain for advice on some of these other designs? A little trade-off for helping you with your assignment? Joey: I don't know. I'd love to. *Cut to Abby and Jen in the coffee house* Abby: Nothing? Nothing has happened? You've been working with him all week and you expect me to believe that nothing has happened? Jen: I'm telling you nothing has happened. I don't know. I mean, he's so head-over-heels in love with Joey I just can't compete with her. Abby: That is where you're wrong. Joey has nothing on you. Kenny, what do you think of Joey Potter? Kenny: She's hot. Abby: Oh, shut up! What do you know. You're practically wallide(?). Kenny: Well, Abby, I do know that we should be working on our assignment. Abby: Okay, you're bugging me. Can you just get out of my hair and finish it? Kenny: Look, Abby, you haven't been doing your share of the work. Abby: Well, what do you expect? I'm not like you, Kenny. I have a very demanding social life. *Kenny goes back to work.* I mean, Joey may be pretty. She does have that fresh-face appeal in a very J. Crew-catalogue kind of way, but she's no you. You're a s*x kitten, Jen. And you should work it to your advantage. Jen: What are you saying? That I should just take off all my clothes and throw myself at him? Abby: It could work! Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor and tonight is your last night with him! I mean you have to go for broke. Wear something scandalous. You can borrow one of my dresses and just spray perfume in all the right places, big red moist lips. Jen: You know what, you're right. Might as well put the final nail in my coffin of shame, what have I got to lose? Abby: Yeah. Just seduce him. His tighty-whities will be in a ball by the floor of the bed before you can say "Joey Potter is a virgin." *They laugh* *Cut to Mrs. Leery lighting candles for dinner. Mitch walks in.* Gail: Dinner's ready. Mitch: Well, I made other plans, Gail. It's Thursday. Gail: Thursday, right. Well then, you have fun. See you later. Mitch: Bye. *Cut to Dawson and Joey on the porch* Joey: So you want to come with me to the Icehouse? I told Bessie I'd help clean up. Dawson: No, I've got to stay here and finish my project with Jen. Joey: Oh. *singing* Mineeee's donneee. Dawson: I hate you. Joey: Oh yeah? *They kiss* Joey: Well, Laura practically did the whole thing. She is so cool, Dawson. She said anytime I want to enter into a company, she'd help me out. Dawson: Really? Joey: She just made me realize that maybe someday I could own my own business or my own company. Dawson: See it looks like Joey has some career aspirations after all. *Gail comes out the front door* Gail: Um, if your father comes back tell him since it's Thursday night, I've gone out. Dawson: When will you be back? Gail: Later. Goodnight honey. *She leaves. Joey looks at Dawson, confused.* Dawson: I've given up trying to figure out my parents. It's really weird right now. *They sit there and Joey smiles.* Joey: You think we should take advantage of this moment of unsupervision. *They start kissing* *Jen walks in* Jen: Hey. *They stop* Dawson: Hey. Jen: If I've interrupted something I can come back later. Joey: No I was just leaving. Bye Dawson. *She kisses him.* Nice dress. Jen: Thanks I borrowed it. Joey: I'll bet. *Joey leaves* Dawson: So, um, where do you want to do this? Jen: Somewhere where we can be comfortable. Let's go to your bedroom. *Cut to Icehouse. Trey and Jeff are talking.* Trey: Why do we need two Range Rover's? Compromise Jeff. A couple weeks in Europe..we drive a cheaper car. Jeff: You know what, forget the honeymoon! You drive the cheaper car! Trey: Why are you so selfish? I mean, why do you act like that? Jeff: Yeah I'm selfish! *They walk off as Joey looks confused by their conversation.* Joey: Hey! Sorry I'm late. God, this place is a pigsty. Jack: We got slammed. Joey: Hey Bessie I was telling Laura about our financial problems. Bessie: Who's Laura? Joey: She's the interior designer who helped me with my project. Bessie: Oh the super successful career woman. Joey: Anyway, she had some really great ideas. Ways to keep our overhead cost down. Laura also said she'd help us with a new logo for the Icehouse. I mean, we could print new menus, placemats... Bessie: We don't need new menus or placemats. Joey: She said she could do it for free.She said it's crucial for businesses to revamp their new look every once in awhile. It keeps things fresh. Bessie: I don't have time to take advice from some woman who knows nothing about me or my life or the Icehouse. Joey: She was just trying to help. Bessie: I don't need her help. I need your help, now. The health department called they're coming here tomorrow morning and this place is a total disaster. Joey: Look, you don't have to snap at me like it's my fault. Bessie: Well, I thought you were coming in earlier, we needed you tonight. Joey: Well, I'm sorry, Bessie, but I actually have a life. I am not your full-time slave. Bessie: Full-time slave? That's a bit of an exaggeration. Joey: Oh is it? Bessie: Yeah! Joey: The fact is all I do is run your errands, answer your phone calls, and take care of your baby and I'm sick of it! Bessie: Oh, Joey, I'm sorry my baby and I are cramping your style why don't you go home. Jack and I have it covered. [Image] *Icehouse, Pacey walks in.* Jack: Hey, we're closed. Pacey: Listen, can I just get a cup of coffee, man? I'm desperate. Jack: Yeah, yeah sure. Pacey: You're Andie's brother, right? *Jack nods.* Pacey: I'm Pacey. Jack: Yeah, I know who you are. Pacey: Uh, listen, is your sister on any kind of medication because she just went completely ballistic on me. Jack: Why? What'd you do to her? Pacey: Nothing. I just called her a spoiler princess and she just went psycho. I guess the truth hurts sometimes. Jack: Andie a spoiled princess...I don't think anything could be further from the truth. Pacey: Don't tell me your family's not totally loaded. Jack: You think I'm workin' here for kicks? Pacey: Yeah, but your sister drives a Saab man. And all those nice clothes... Jack: Yeah it's the last remains of a decaying dynasty. Pacey: I don't get it. Jack: Look, there was a time when things were easy for us, relatively, but those days are over now. Look I really don't want to get into this. Just do me a favor. Give Andie a break. She deserves it. *Cut to Mitch and Gail on their free nights doing absolutely nothing and looking very bored.* *Cut to Dawson and Jen in Dawson's room.* Dawson: *happily* Alright, we're done! Jen: Finally, huh? Mission accomplished. Oh my God I am so exhausted I can barely see straight. Dawson: Yeah, I feel like I've become one with this chair. *Jen laughs* Jen: How about a massage? Get rid of a little bit of that tension. Dawson: No, I'm cool. Jen: Are you sure? *Jen goes over and lays on the bed.* Jen: God, I am so beat. I don't even think I can make it next door. You mind if I just crash here for the night? Dawson: *surprised* Yeah, actually I do. Jen: What? Dawson: Yeah, I do mind. You should probably go home. Jen: So what? We can't hang out together anymore is that it? Dawson: No, absolutely we can hang out together. We just can't sleep together. Jen: Well, calm down, Dawson. I just said I would crash at your house. No one said anything about sleeping together. I know what it is. It's Joey, isn't it? She's been putting ideas in your head about me. Dawson: No, Jen, Joey hasn't been putting ideas in my head. I'm not oblivious. Jen: Meaning? Dawson: Meaning, look at you. I mean, is this what you normally wear to a study session? I mean, you've been making suggestive comments. Testing me all night. Jen: Dawson if you can't handle being in the same room with me-- Dawson: I can handle being in the same room with you. I just can't handle you throwing yourself at me every other second. I mean, don't you find it humiliating? Jen: I'm not humiliating anybody, Dawson. And I know that you're with Joey and I accept that. I just don't respect it. And I don't mean this in a slutty, self-degrading sort of way, but I want to let you know that you've got options. And I'm one of them. Dawson: Who are you? What happened to Jen? Jen: She got bored. Decided to liven things up a bit. *Jen kisses him and walks towards the door and turns around* I hope you can handle it Dawson. *She leaves.* *Cut to Mitch and Gail in their bedroom.* Mitch: Have fun? Gail: Yeah. Did you? Mitch: Yeah. Gail: Good. So what'd you do? Mitch: Went to Duke's. Met some new people. Danced a little. You? Gail: Oh, I met a friend for some drinks. I'm glad you had a good time tonight, Mitch. *They turn off the lights* *Cut to Joey on the porch. Bessie drives up.* Joey: I was beginning to think you skipped town on me. Bessie: Yeah I was up all night cleaning. Look, Joey. Things aren't working out for you and the Icehouse so you're fired. Joey: Fired? Bessie: I just don't think you should be working there anymore. Joey: You can't fire me. Bessie: Yes I can, and I am. Joey: I know what you're doing Bessie. I couldn't sleep last night I felt so bad. What I said, I didn't mean. Bessie: Yes, you did. You were right. I'm in way over my head, but these problems are not yours. I don't want to be the one robbing you of your childhood, the fun of being young. Not burdened by all my messes. It's not fair. It's not fair to you and I'm sorry. Joey: Bessie, these are my problems because you and I are a team, you know? And you can't fire me because I'm not going anywhere and I won't be fired. And I love you. And Alexander. And I don't ever want you to feel like you're in this alone. Bessie: Yeah but you're my little sister. I'm supposed to be taking care of you. Joey: You do. You do take care of me, Bessie. Bessie: You know, one day I'll get it together and you'll be proud of me. Joey: I am proud of you, Bessie. I mean, this assignment helped me understand how much you have to deal with and how much stress you are under. I think you're amazing. Bessie: Yeah? Joey: Yeah. *Cut to Econ. class* Teacher: Unlike some of your schoolwork, the lessons that you learned from this project, can be directly applied to your future lives. Therefore, I hope, I hope, I hope that you gave this project's it's deserved attention. Now will you please pass your projects to the front of the room for me. Jeff, how'd that wedding turn out? Jeff: Great, Mr. Matick. We decided to go for a casual one by the ocean, just you know, Jeff and Trey: Close friends and family. Trey: And that way we can spend more money on the honeymoon. Teacher: Good decision, Trey. Kenny: Mr. Matick? Teacher: Yes Kenny? Kenny: FYI, Abby Morgan's name is on this report because she threatened my life and didn't help at all and spent the entire week just verbally abusing me. Abby: That is a lie! Look, Mr. Matick, Kenny was congested and he literally had snot all over his face. I just didn't want to get ill. Teacher: I hope you set aside money for marriage counseling. So Andie, where's your project? Andie: Well, Mr. Matick, since marriage is a 50/50 partnership, I decided to do my project from the wife's perspective so..here's my half. *Pacey walks in with a notebook.* Teacher: Pacey Witter! Nice of you to join us. This your project? Pacey: Mine and Andie's. Teacher: Looks pretty comprehensive. Good work, you two. And now that this is over you'll get these back on Monday then on Monday we'll start our project on macroeconomics. *Cut to outside of school Dawson and Joey* Dawson: I am so glad that project is over. Joey: I liked it. Dawson: You did, didn't ya? Joey: Yeah. Dawson: I can see it now, Joey Potter climbing the ladder to corporate america. Joey: Shut up. Dawson: Come here. *They start kissing. Abby and Jen walk towards them.* Abby: Get a room. *Abby and Jen continue walking* Joey: What was that all about? Dawson: I have no idea. *Cut to Andie and Pacey.* Andie: Pacey, hey! Pacey: Hey. Andie: Thanks for finishing the project. I guess I can never call you lazy again Pacey: Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday. 'Kay. I think we were both suffering from a case of false impressions. I talked to your brother last night and he explained to me that your family is not exactly the Rockefellar's. Andie: He did? Pacey: Yeah, so I feel like the world's biggest chump here. Andie: Don't sweat it. Pacey: No, really, it's true. I obviously don't know anything about you. Andie: Look, Pacey, my life is like a Movie of the Week is better left out of this conversation here, okay? Pacey: Okay. Andie: So what I want to know is did we get the viper? Pacey: Come on, after all we've been through do you think I could really get the Viper? *Andie gives him a look.* Pacey: Okay, I had to but it's such an awesome car. Andie: That means all of our kids are stuffed into a 2-bedroom apartment. Pacey: Actually it's a one bedroom apartment, but, you know, the family that lays together stays together. Andie: Pacey, 5 people in one bedroom. That is insanity! Pacey: Are you complaining? I stayed up all night finishing this project. *They pass a convertible where the lady in it turns her head and takes off her sunglasses revealing that it's... MISS JACOBS!*

Plan: A: An economics class project; Q: What is the project? A: Jen; Q: Who tries to use the project to get closer to Dawson? A: Pacey; Q: Who is Andie's husband? A: Andie; Q: Who is Pacey's wife in the project? A: a married couple; Q: What is Pacey and Andie's relationship in the project? A: a single mother; Q: What is Joey's role in the project? A: two children; Q: How many children does Joey have? A: Andie's troubled family life; Q: What does Pacey learn about Andie? A: the real world; Q: Joey begins to see that she has a chance of success in what? A: solo; Q: How does Joey do her project? Summary: An economics class project pairs Dawson and Jen as husband and wife, Pacey and Andie as a married couple and Joey as a single mother with two children. Jen tries to use the project to get closer to Dawson. Pacey gets to know more about Andie's troubled family life and Joey begins to see that she has a chance of success in the real world while doing her project solo.

OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Olivia: Answers, people. We need answers, and time is of the essence. Quinn: Her phone's gone and her purse. She ran away. You told her she was gonna have to go on TV, she freaked out, and she ran away. Abby: I gotta say, as crime scenes go, it's pretty clean. No broken locks, no signs of struggle, and I'm not finding any prints aside from yours and Amanda's. Quinn: Because it's not a crime scene. Because she ran away. Huck: There's someone watching you. Olivia: What? Huck: Your trash is gone, and it's not trash day, and there's a sedan parked across the street U.S. government plates, tinted windows. Olivia: What about Amanda, Huck? Huck: Whoever it was came up through the service elevator, picked the lock on the back door, sedated her, taped her up, got her in a duffel bag. In and out, probably seven minutes, six if they were quick. Olivia: How do you know? Huck: That's how I would do it. [SCENE_BREAK] DAVID ROSEN'S OFFICE David: My secretary has a standing order to stop you from walking in here. Alissa, you're fired. Olivia: One of my clients is missing. David: Have you looked in jail? You often seem to find them there. Olivia: Her name is Amanda Tanner. She's 27 and she was staying in my apartment. David: How long has she been gone? Olivia: Five, six hours. David: You consider that missing? That's barely enough time to rack up a good bar tab. Olivia: Oh, God. David: What's wrong? Olivia: I know I ask a lot of you, but this Amanda thing is big. She's a good kid and she was under my protection. Can you help me find her? David: I'll see what I can do. Olivia: Thank you, David. Don't fire Alissa. I snuck in while she was in the bathroom. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE OF PLANE CRASH Harrison: You're late. Quinn: I keep trying Amanda's phone, but it goes straight to voice mail. Harrison: When I say "all hands on deck". Quinn: Harrison, she's our client. She's missing. Harrison: I mean all hands on deck. Quinn: We should be doing things. Things should be happening. Shouldn't we at least file a missing persons report? Harrison: Just 'cause you don't see things happening, doesn't mean things aren't happening. With Olivia, things are always happening. Quinn: I just don't-what could possibly be more important than Amanda right now? Harrison: That. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Fitz: I first met Paul ten years ago at the governor's conference. I thought my speech was pretty killer, so when Paul took me aside afterward, I was looking forward to simply "congratulations, Fitz. You moved me to tears." And then for ten very long minutes, he told me, point by point, why every word out of my mouth was not only wrong but potentially the dumbest thing any politician had ever said. Senator Sanchez told you the hard truth because he cared, because he thought we could all do better. He scored no political points and never asked for anything in return, but he earned my profound gratitude, and today, my profound sadness. Of course the senator would be the first to object if I stood up here today and talked about him and failed to mention the 119 other people who died this morning. This is A tragic day for all of us. Our prayers are with all those who lost loved ones on Flight 684. [SCENE_BREAK] INFORMATION CENTER Nelson: Ms. Pope, Nelson O'Shea, pilots' union. Nice to finally meet you. Olivia: Yes. I wish it were under better circumstances. Nelson: Yes. Very sad. Olivia: So it's a standard crash investigation. We'll need you to make a statement on belief of the pilots' union to the press as soon as possible. The airline P.R. is up there right now, so- Olivia: You let them go first? Nelson: I didn't think it was a problem. [SCENE_BREAK] PRESS CONFERENCE Airline Rep: Sky national has immediately activated our emergency response protocol and is in direct contact with the F.A.A. and N.T.S.B. Although our primary concern at this time is for the passengers on board the aircraft and their families, we're able to assure you, this particular plane has a perfect safety record. Olivia: And there it is. Harrison: They're saying it's the pilot's fault. Quinn: No, he didn't. He just said- Harrison: They're not saying it, but they're saying it, and this crowd's eating it up with a spoon. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Fitz: Make sure we know when the memorial is so we can clear my schedule. Cyrus: Sir, we ought to take this chance to bring the D.R.E.A.M. act to a vote. Fitz: Cyrus. The poor man's still scattered across the Virginia countryside, and you want to start using him to leverage a vote? Cyrus: Paul wanted this more than anything. A pathway to citizenship for immigrant kids who go to college he'd be honored. Billy: It's a divisive issue, even within our own party. Cyrus: Let me put a call in to his wife, she if she'll reach out to the fence sitters. Fitz: How close is the vote? Cyrus: Nose count has us within four or five. Billy: Ah, we're gonna look opportunistic. Cyrus: Never let a crisis go to waste, Mr. President. Fitz: Make the call. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: And how long was her tour of duty in the Air National Guard? And she flew C-141S out of Dover? Okay. Thank you so much. Quinn: How many times do I have to tell you you can't just walk in here whenever you feel like it? Gideon: Look, Amanda Tanner is gone, and that means my story is gone, but it also means your client is gone, so I thought I could just walk in here and talk to you. Quinn: If Amanda is gone and I'm not saying she is then I'm sure Olivia's working on it. Gideon: Well, I saw the news. Doesn't she have her hands full with this plane crash? Quinn: Sometimes just because you can't see things happening doesn't mean they're not happening or something, you know, if she is gone. Gideon: There's a missing persons report, Quinn. Quinn: There's a report? Who, who filed it? Gideon: Amanda's father. [SCENE_BREAK] DINER Charlie: Uh, so what are you calling yourself now? Huck: Huck. You? Charlie: Charlie. Huck Finn? That's funny. Huck: Well, Charlie, like Charlie Brown? Charlie: I thought you were dead. Huck: I'm not dead. Charlie: Huck freaking Finn? Huck: Don't make fun of my name. Charlie: You out of business? Huck: I was never in business. Charlie: It's lucrative when you contract out. Huck: I'm a retired government employee. Charlie: Oh, really? You sure? You know what they say "once you go black, you never go back." Ops, that is. Black ops. Huck: You never could tell a decent joke. Charlie: So what do you want then? Huck: Female, 5'4", 105 pounds, Amanda Lynn Tanner. Charlie: Don't know what you're talking about. Huck: You're getting sloppy in your old age. You crossed the street at a light. I got you on the traffic cam. Charlie: Well, then. You don't need to ask me about her, now do you? You got me on the traffic cam. Huck: Yeah. But where is she? Charlie: No. No. That's just tacky. That's tasteless. You know better than to ask. What did you think? That you were gonna buy me an assassin's brunch and then we'd hold hands? No. Jeez. Now you're off looking for missing girls? Come on. Ugh. Tacky. Stop looking. She's gone. Hey, you ever want to come back, make a little more money than the U.S. government pays, you give me a call. Talent like yours should not go to waste. And, uh It's not like Charlie Brown. Like Manson. Charlie Manson. Now that's a name. Huck finn? Come on. Ah. Hey, buddy. [SCENE_BREAK] CVR MEETING Worker: Welcome, everyone. This is the preliminary C.V.R. meeting of all interested parties to Sky National Flight 684. This morning, I'll play the black box recording in its entirety without stopping. You'll hear it once and once only. The national transportation safety board prohibits you from recording what you're about to hear. You are allowed to take notes, but you are prohibited from taking those notes from this room. Any questions? Lori: Here it is, my special fruit drink. That's good. Woman 2: What's in it? Lori: Cranberry, grapefruit. Man: It'd be perfect with some vodka. Air Traffic: Sky National 684, you're cleared to descend to and maintain 5,000. Woman 2: Roger National 684. We'll be out of 15 for 5. Air Traffic: National 4 miles away at 2:00. Possible wake turbulence. You may feel a bump or two. Man: 684. Got the aerostream. Lori: And I feel the bump or two. Hang on. I'm pitching down. We're nosedown. Air Traffic: Sky National 684, I show descending. What's your status? Man: Kick rudder. Lori, left rudder. Left rudder. Air Traffic: Sky national 684, what's your status? Man: 684. Emergency. Left rudder. Left rudder! What the hell are you aah! Oh, here we go. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: No, there was a loud bang and the captain was saying "hang on." Abby: No, that was the first officer. Stephen: Fine. But I can't remember if he said it before or after the two thumps. Abby: Before, I think. Maybe after. I don't know. I-I should've written the whole thing on my arm. Harrison: Before the two thumps. It was loud thump, loud thump, long clicking sound, short clicking sound, then three faint thumps. The first officer saying, "Left rudder. Left rudder. What the hell are you-aah! Here we go." I got a good ear. But I'll tell you what I didn't hear in the last ten seconds. The pilot. Abby: As soon as they hit the wake from the aerostream, I think she panicked, maybe overcorrected. Stephen: It was like she didn't hear. She she froze. Olivia: Which is exactly what the airline will say. If Sky National can prove pilot error, they save millions of dollars. They don't have to ground their fleet, do extra maintenance. They have every reason to want to trash Lori Mackelson in the press, cast her as a panicking, P.M.S.ing woman who can't handle a little turbulence. Andrew: Lori had 16,000 flight hours under her belt. She didn't panic. She was a great pilot, under any conditions. She did not freeze. Olivia: Can I help you, sir? Andrew: Not unless you can bring my wife back. Andrew: All I want them to do is to get out there and say she didn't do this. Olivia: Believe me, Andrew. We're gonna do everything we can to clear your wife's name. Andrew: Why haven't you said anything? The news has already said the plane was perfect. Can't you just call a-a press conference? Olivia: If I get up there and play defense, hold my gloves in front of my face, it confirms their narrative. We need to change their narrative. We need to anticipate what they're going to say about Lori before they say it and then hit back with evidence. So lay it on me. What is the worst thing they can say? Andrew: She's been sober for over 20 years. She still goes to A.A. meetings from time to time. Abby: So she's an alcoholic. Andrew: That's not how I would phrase it. Olivia: Which is why they will. TV: Sources say that the flight crew, including the captain and first officer, were drinking - at their hotel the night before the flight - F.A.A. Regulations prohibit the consumption of alcohol 12 hours before a plane's scheduled departure time. The crew was in direct violation of these regulations. BAR: Bartender: Boy, were they hammered. Abby: Not the pilots, though, right? Bartender: Two pilots, six flight attendants hammered. Abby: Even- Bartender: I said, "Y'all better not be flying tomorrow." She says to me, "Don't worry. These planes these days they fly themselves." Can you believe it? [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: According to the manufacturer, the mw-85 has a perfect safety record. It's one of the top performing passenger planes in the world. The plane has met with nothing but praise from the aviation community. [SCENE_BREAK] OFFICE BUILDING Woman: I could lose my job. Stephen: I just need a quick peek at the mechanic reports. Woman: You're asking for a lot. You're not offering much there, Stevie. Woman: No one will ever know. Oh, our little secret, huh? Maybe if you want to come by my apartment? Around 8:00? I'd like to get in a workout and have some time to rinse off. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: Early indications from the black box recording indicate that the airport tower tried to communicate with the pilot Olivia: Damn it. They already leaked what was on the black box? Somewhere in that recording is the truth. We need our own copy. Harrison: I'll get Huck on it. TV: Pleas from the first officer also appear to have been ignored. Stephen: I was this close to getting the mechanic's report. Olivia: What happened? I lost my superpowers. Stephen: I'm engaged. I can't use every tool in the box anymore. Abby: And by tool, you would mean your... Olivia: Okay. Just find another tack, Stephen. We need those reports. Abby. Abby: The bartender confirms that both pilots and all six flight attendants were drinking. Olivia: Six? Manifest listed five. Harrison: You think one of 'em didn't make the flight? Huck: Black box recording. Harrison: How'd you get it? Huck: N.T.S.B. server. Kid's play. Olivia, may I talk to you? Olivia: Check the airline schedule. See what attendants were supposed to fly 684. Abby: Got it. Huck: In your office? Olivia: See what other flight crews were passing through Philly that night. Stephen: Got it. Olivia: Where's Quinn? Has anybody seen Quinn? Abby: I think she went out. Where's the manifest? Olivia: On my desk. Huck: She's dead. Olivia: If there is a missing flight attendant who is alive right now, we need to find her before the airline does. Huck: Amanda Tanner is dead! Olivia: Are you sure? [SCENE_BREAK] STREET Olivia: Pull down your window. You tell your boy you talk into that little radio in your sleeve and you tell the President I know. I know what he did to her. I know! [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Cyrus: Shanker and Holiday are both on board, but we're still three votes short. Billy: You'd make it a lot easier on the V.P. If you could throw in a few carrots for border security. It might give us something to work with. Fitz: Come on now, Billy. Are you telling me you can't work with bright, energetic young people earning their way to citizenship through good grades and hard work? Billy: It's not that, Mr. President. Fitz: Great. Then I will count on the vice president's active support. Fitz: Yeah? [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: Quinn. Who is this? Hank: Hank Tanner. I'm Amanda's father. Uh, it's a pleasure to meet you. Quinn: I stopped by Amanda's place and found Mr. Tanner outside. Hank: Amanda said that she came to work for you after she left the White House. Olivia: Yes, that's right. Hank: I don't mean to be a bother here, but, uh, I've I've been talking to Mandy every day since she was in the hospital, and then I haven't heard anything from her, so I decided to come up here and make sure that everything was all right. Her mother is really worried about her. Quinn: It's okay, Mr. Tanner. Everything's going to be fine. I promise. Olivia: Mr. Tanner, you look like you could use a cup of tea. Quinn, would you help me get some tea for Mr. Tanner? Hank: Thank you. Olivia: What you did back there? You made a promise. We don't make promises. Quinn: But- Olivia: Amanda Tanner is dead. Quinn: Wh- Olivia: She's dead. Quinn: How do you know? Olivia: We know. But we can't tell him we know because we're not supposed to know, and there is no body. So right now, we're gonna go back in there and give that nice man a cup of tea and tell him we are doing everything in our power to find his daughter. And don't ever promise an outcome we can't deliver. I have to take this. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES/WHITE HOUSE Olivia: Are we on a secure line? Fitz: Why the hell are you threatening my agents? Olivia: You mean the men you sent to follow and scare me? Fitz: You told them that you know what I did to her. To who? Amanda Tanner? Olivia: Playing dumb doesn't suit you. Fitz: Olivia, either say what you mean or stop- Olivia: War is war? Fine. But murder is murder. Fitz: Amanda's dead? Olivia: She has a dad. A really nice man who's looking for his daughter. How do you think he's gonna feel when he finds out that the man he voted for had his daughter killed? Fitz: I didn't do this. You know me. You know I didn't do this. Olivia: I don't know anything. Fitz: Trust your gut. Your gut's never wrong. Olivia: I don't have a gut anymore. Fitz: Livvie. Come to the White House and look me in the eye. We need to talk about this face-to-face. Olivia: Face-to-face is over. That girl is dead. Fitz: This wasn't me. You know me. And the thought that I would ever, that I could ever. You know me. Olivia: If you didn't kill her, we both know who did. Tell me I'm wrong. You let a pitbull off his leash, he mauls a baby. Fitz: No one blames the dog. Olivia: You let Cyrus off his leash. That's on you. [SCENE_BREAK] CARLY RESTON'S APARTMENT Abby: Carly Reston? Carly: Yeah? Abby: You're a flight attendant for sky national? Carly: Oh, God. Look, I called in sick before I went to bed last night, which is more than six hours in advance, so if you couldn't find anyone to cover, it's not my fault. You're not from corporate, are you? Carly: All of them? Everyone? Abby: Yes. Carly: Sammi? Abby: All of them. Everyone. I need to know if Captain Mackelson was drinking at your party at the bar last night. Carly: Lori? No way. She's been sober for, like, a million years. Goes to meetings at every city on the route. She almost never comes out with us anyway. The only reason she even came out with us last night is 'cause it was my birthday. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES David: You didn't tell me Amanda Tanner used to work in the White House. You didn't tell me she had a previous suicide attempt. You pretty much didn't tell me a single thing about the girl whom you tasked me with finding. So if I'm about to step into political quicksand here, I'd like to know it before I sink. Olivia: I can't tell you any more than I've told you. David: But you know more. If you can't tell me more, then you're actually obstructing justice. Olivia: I'm sorry, David. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE OF PLANE CRASH Andrew: You know what the flags are for? Yellow's where they picked up pieces of the fuselage. Red's for body parts. I heard one of the emergency workers talking. It's how they keep track of whose parts are whose. Olivia: Andrew, you should really get back when my mom died, we had an open casket. Andrew: When my mom died, we had an open casket. When my dad died, we had an open casket. It's how we say good-bye. What are my kids gonna see when they look in Lori's casket? A red flag? [SCENE_BREAK] PRESS CONFERENCE Olivia: I'd like to correct, in the strongest terms possible the idea that the pilot, Lori Mackelson, had been drinking the night before the crash. She had not, and we have a witness to that effect. A little history about Lori. She was married to Andrew Mackelson for 17 years. They have two boys Carter, age 15, and Jonathan, age 12. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: I don't want to ask you to do this because it's not what you do anymore. Huck: You want the body. Olivia: I know what I'm asking. And if it's too much for you, if you don't want to, you can say no. That'll be the end of it. We'll find another way. Huck: I'll take care of it. Olivia: Huck, you need reeling in, you call me. I'll come for you. Huck: I got this. I'm good to go. No problem. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Cyrus: Digrazzo flipped! It took a lot of pork and a guarantee of heavy campaigning from you in New Jersey come midterms. We're only two away now. Fitz: Amanda Tanner's dead. Cyrus: How sad. Fitz: Aren't you gonna ask how it happened? Cyrus: No. Should I? Fitz: A young woman died. A member of this administration. Cyrus: I said how sad I was. You didn't hear me? I'll say it again. How sad. Let's lower the flags. Fitz: For God sakes, Cy, show some respect. Cyrus: 128 innocent Americans, children, mommies and daddies and best friends and husbands and wives died in that plane crash yesterday. That's sad. We lost one of the few sane and worthy members of the senate yesterday. That's sad. Four Navy S.E.A.L.S died in Afghanistan, and that doesn't even touch Sudan, Congo, northern Mexico. That's sad. But the disturbed girl who made it her life's mission to take down this administration, the one who was happily no, gleefully carrying your illegitimate b*st*rd child she's no longer with us? Well, I'm sorry if I'm not sitting shivah. I'm sorry if I can't help but see the millions of people that we'll actually be able to help now that Amanda Tanner is gone. I am sorry, but this is a good thing. It is a good thing for us. It is a good thing for the country. Fitz: What happened to McKinley? I was just getting used to seeing his judge-y face every morning. Mellie: He's being restored. His judge-y face got flaky. What's your preference Madison or Van Buren? Van Buren has a certain wisdom about him. What's bothering you? Fitz: I think we're gonna pass the D.R.E.A.M. Act. Cyrus is on it like a dog with a bone. You know he called Sanchez' widow? Mellie: Good. It needs to be passed. Fitz: Still, there should be limits. We're political animals. We're not animals. Sometimes I think he's too willing to go to extremes. Mellie: Tom, Hal, would you come here, please? Tom? Tom: Yes, ma'am? Mellie: You would take a bullet for the President, wouldn't you? Tom: Yes, ma'am. Mellie: Hal? Hal: Yes, ma'am, I would. Mellie: Thank you. That's all. There isn't a person in this building who isn't willing to go to extremes for you. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: I got. Olivia: You got it? Quinn: Got what? Stephen: Mechanic report - I got it. Abby: How'd you get it? Stephen: I got it. Abby: I bet you did. Stephen: I looked through 200 reports, every inspection made on this plane in the last year. These are two separate reports, this one is signed and dated by a mechanic in Phoenix last fall This one's signed and dated by a mechanic in Philly a week ago the last inspection before the crash. No problems reported in either. Quinn: That's bad for us, right? That means the plane was fine. Stephen: Read line four. Quinn: "Power control unit." Stephen: Notice anything? Quinn: He misspelled "control," but Stephen: Line four. Abby: Oh, it's misspelled here, too. Stephen: What are the chances? Identical reports submitted by different mechanics in different cities, months apart? Abby: The Philly report is fake. Quinn: The last inspection of the plane before it crashed was forged? Air Traffic: What's your status? Man: Kick rudder. Lori, left rudder. Left rudder. Air Traffic: Sky national 684, what's your status? Man: 684. Emergency. Left rudder. Left rudder! What the hell are you? Man: 684. Emergency. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Hank: Thank you. Man: 684. Emergency. [SCENE_BREAK] PLANE INSPECTION SITE Stephen: That is your signature. Worker: No, it is, but that's not my report. That's not my handwriting. I wouldn't misspell "control." I won my sixth grade spelling bee. Stephen: You were the last one to inspect the plane before it crashed. Can you tell me what you said in your report? Worker: Hey, I just turn 'em in, all right? This thing's not on me. Stephen: I'm not here to blame you. I just want you to remember. Look, it's important. Worker: First, I would've checked the P.C.U., then the summing levers. And you want to make sure they're okay, 'cause if they're not, you risk the rudder deflecting to full blowdown limit. I'm just trying to think if something was going on with the levers. If there was, I would've put the plane down. I seem to remember recommending that for one of my birds. Stephen: Slow down. Just, I don't want to miss any of this. What exactly are you saying? Are you saying- [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: There's something wrong with the plane. Abby: What? Harrison: She didn't panic. She didn't freeze. She was, she was doing everything right. That's what the noises are. It's her responding, but it didn't matter, 'cause there was something wrong with the plane. [SCENE_BREAK] CHARLIE'S APARTMENT Huck: I know. I know. Just showing up at someone's house it's so tacky. But we really do need to talk about what happened to Amanda Tanner. Okay, Charlie? [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Man: Lori, left rudder. Left rudder. Harrison: Right there. Hear that? Those three soft thumps. They're there. Trust me. Olivia: Trust him. Harrison: It's the sound of Lori pushing on the left rudder, but the pedal won't move. It won't let her go left. Andrew: Why not? Stephen: The thing that makes the rudder go left or right according to the mechanic, one of its parts was bent. Harrison: It'd be like making a right turn in your car and having the steering wheel lock up on you. Stephen: The mechanic mentions the bent lever in his report, but that report is gone. Olivia: This is good, Andrew. We can use this. It means Lori did everything in her power to stop that plane from going down. It means it wasn't her fault. Andrew: Then whose fault was it? My wife is dead. 120 people are dead. Who's to blame for that? [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Fitz: Well, we really appreciate your help. And I know senator Sanchez would, too. This is a great way to honor him. We'll have you and Lynn over to dinner at the residence next week. Okay. Thank you, senator. Yeah. Bye. Fitz: Jankowski's in. Cyrus: Well done, everyone! All right! As long as Brownhill's gallbladder keeps him at home, we have got a tie. And the deciding vote is cast by the Vice President. Billy: I'm sorry. I tried again this morning, but... Cyrus: Don't do this to me, Billy. Billy: We're gonna need one more. Fitz: Get your boss up here. This has gone far enough. [SCENE_BREAK] CHARLIE'S APARTMENT Huck: I don't want you to think that I'm doing this because I'm mad at you. I'm not. I'm not. You trained me, but it was the agency, really. They took stuff from me, and not just my name or my ability to ever contact my family again. I was young, I was fresh out of college, and they made it sound fun. We had fun, didn't we? That's the problem. It's horrible and it's sickening, and just when you think you can't take any more, it gets fun. The U.S. government really knows its stuff, yeah? Something in you just falls away, and it gets fun. There's a high. It's good. It's so good, which is what I wanna remind you of how good it can get. You think about that. Okay, I'm thinking about it 'cause I'm rusty. I'm sober. This is gonna be bad for me for a while, but I'm gonna push through the horrible and the sickening and then something's gonna fall away, and I'm gonna start enjoying myself. All right? And we both know what an artist I can be. And like any junkie, I'm gonna enjoy the high for as long as I can. Okay? Are you ready, old friend? [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: Madam Vice President. Thanks for coming on such short notice. Sally: It's an honor to be invited to the party, sir. I just came from a prayer meeting. You know how my people like to pray. Fitz: I do. Sally: My Cassidy was only 12 years old when I was deciding whether or not to take the V.P. slot, and she said, "do it, mama. Governor Grant walks with the Lord." Can you believe she was only 12 years old? Fitz: Very precocious, that Cassidy. We did it, Sally. The D.R.E.A.M. Act is tied in the Senate, and you will have the great honor of casting the deciding vote. Sally: Sir, I'm afraid that I... Fitz: We made a hell of a team out on the campaign trail, didn't we? Sally: The children of illegal immigrants should not be allowed to take part in the bounty of America, Mr. President. That is not God's plan. Fitz: I will never forget the way you brought those people to their feet in Utah. Rain pouring down on 10,000 tired people, and they jumped up like a Baptist choir. That is the closest I've ever seen to political magic. Sally: I'm not saying that they shouldn't be allowed to partake in certain paths to legal immigration. Fitz: You're an experienced politician and a woman of God, so I'm not gonna waste your time by trying to talk you into something that you've obviously given a lot of serious thought to. So let's just get right to it. You intend to be President one day. Sally: Sir, I... Fitz: And whatever our disagreements, this country could use a woman president. But of the 14 vice presidents in our history who have gone on to assume the presidency, do you know how many have done so without the endorsement of the President they served? Sally: None, sir. Fitz: We are going to do great things together, you and I. Great things. And we're going to start by passing the D.R.E.A.M. Act. Cyrus: Sir? Sally: It's my honor, sir. Fitz: She's in. Deal closed. We're good. The bill will pass, no problem, or I will tear her right-wing guts out. I'm back. I am back. Cyrus? Cyrus. Cyrus: We got a blackmail letter. A demand. It's not Olivia. It's not Amanda. Olivia's not this crazy, and Amanda is dead. Which means there's someone else, a third party. Olivia did not send us that s*x tape. Someone else did. Fitz: Cyrus, what's the demand? [SCENE_BREAK] CHARLIE'S APARTMENT Huck: Oh, Charlie, you make a beautiful noise. They did, you know, take stuff from me the U.S. Government. After I started not being able to sleep after I started crying when I wrapped a guy in plastic, they put me in a hole nobody wants to be in. And I don't mean a metaphorical hole. I mean, an actual hole. They took stuff from me, Charlie. So much stuff, that I was homeless, on the subway, begging for change when Liv found me, which is why I'm breaking my sobriety, 'cause she asked, okay? And I'm telling you this because I want you to understand that I owe her, so I'm not gonna stop until you tell me where Amanda is. You get that? Tell me where she is. Charlie, I have a scalpel, a 10-blade. I will peel you like a grape. You're gonna retire to New Mexico. It's nice there. But first, you're gonna tell me where Amanda Tanner's body is.All right? Charlie: All right. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] DAVID ROSEN'S OFFICE David: Alissa, you're fired again. What? Olivia: 14th Street bridge. You're gonna need a diving team. David: You okay? Olivia: Not really. David: Okay. Olivia: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Nixon: Good evening. This is the 37th time I have spoken to you from this office. I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever the personal agony it would have involved. Therefore I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow. As we look to the future, the first essential is to begin healing the wounds of this nation, to put the bitterness and divisions of the recent past behind us. I hope that I will have hastened the start of that process of healing which is so desperately needed in America. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Airline CEO: What exactly are you insinuating, Ms. Pope? Olivia: I don't like to insinuate. I'd rather deduce likely scenarios. And in my scenario, you get a mechanic's report that says you have to ground all your mw-85s, which would cost you millions and send your customers running to your competitors. You'd worry about what your stockholders are going to say. You'd worry about your job. That's understandable. If I'm C.E.O., it's the last thing I'd want. So one report goes missing no harm, no foul that is until 120 people fall out of the sky. Airline CEO: This is not some kind of conspiracy. If that's what- Stephen: She doesn't insinuate. She deduces. Airline CEO: I started this airline with one plane, two pilots, and an old furniture warehouse converted to a hangar. I lost seven employees yesterday. The senior flight attendant, Sammi Tyler, was one of my first hires. Believe me, I want the truth just as much as you do. Stephen: So why did this report disappear? Why didn't it get passed up the line? Airline CEO: I don't know. Olivia: Somebody does. [SCENE_BREAK] AIRLINE OFFICES Harrison: Phyllis Hayes? I'm, uh, Harrison Wright. I'm here to- Phyllis: I know why you're here, Mr. Wright. Two people used to do my job, and now it's just me. That's not an excuse. It just means things pile up. I had a huge backlog of mechanic reports from all over the country and I had to get them out, push them up the ladder. They fire you if you don't get them in on time to headquarters. But my youngest daughter was having a piano recital and I didn't want to miss it. I-I already missed one this year. So I duplicated one of the reports. I didn't think it was a big deal. I believe this is what you're looking for. I'm never going to hear her play without thinking about all those people. She's very good at the piano My daughter. Harrison: I'm sure she is, Ms. Hayes. [SCENE_BREAK] PRESS CONFERENCE Airline CEO: I've come here tonight to express my sincere condolences to the victims and the families of Flight 684. As of this afternoon, sky national has participated fully in the N.T.S.B. investigation, and we understand and accept our role in the events leading up to the crash. So I would like to take this time to apologize to all those who lost loved ones in this tragic event, including the families of the crew, and of captain Lori Mackelson, who fought so valiantly until the end to prevent this terrible tragedy. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] MORGUE Hank: That's Mandy. That's my daughter. Huck: She didn't suffer. Quinn: How do you? Huck: 'Cause I know what you do to people to make them suffer. She didn't suffer. It was a good death. Olivia: Thank you. Huck: It's okay. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: Hal? Tom? Can you guys come in here a second, please? What if I wanted to get out of here? Tom: Sir? Fitz: The press corps lid is on. The staff has all gone home. What if I wanted to leave? Tom: I don't think...that's not possible, sir. Fitz: You're gonna tell me 41 never left? Okay, seriously. 42? Bill Clinton. William Jefferson Clinton never left? Tom: I wouldn't know anything about past Presidents. Fitz: Kennedy never left the White House in secret? What am I, born yesterday? Hal: Sir, we have no knowledge of- Fitz: I want to go somewhere spontaneously. How do I do that? Tom: I would inform our immediate supervisor at the Secret Service, who'd inform the head of the Secret Service and the White House press secretary, who'd inform the White House press corps. 150 individuals would assemble, along with your bulletproof presidential limousine, your chase and follow car, your ambulance, two unmarked vehicles, as well as the sharpshooters and the marine guard. Fitz: No. Tom: Sir? Fitz: What if I wanted to go somewhere alone, no secret service, no press, no anything? Hal: Technically, the President of the United States is allowed to refuse the protection of secret service, but, uh Fitz: "But, uh," what? Hal: It needs to be approved by the Secretary of the Treasury, sir. And recorded in the National Record. Fitz: I'm not a prisoner. Tom/Hal: No, sir. Fitz: I am the most powerful man on the planet. Tom/Hal: Yes, sir. Fitz: But I can't leave my house. Tom/Hal: No, sir. Fitz: You see where I might be a little bit annoyed? Tom/Hal: Yes, sir. Fitz: I am a grown man. I am going to leave here. If I have to walk out to the staff parking lot with you two following me, jump into someone's 1994 Civic and drive off without protection, I am going to leave. I would like to be safe and not jeopardize the economy of this country when I did so. Can you come up with a way to make that happen? Tom: Two sedans, covered parking, one sharpshooter, and your ambulance. Fitz: One sedan and covered parking. No sharpshooters and no ambulance. Tom: One sedan, covered parking, no sharpshooters, we keep the ambulance and add two agents. Fitz: Sold. Hal: Just like 43. Tom: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES David: Personal belongings on her body, no sign of foul play, slashed her wrists a month ago. Cops want to rule it a suicide. Coroner wants to rule it a suicide. Olivia: So it's gonna be ruled a suicide. David: Yep. So who do you think killed her? See, I've got this nagging feeling you've got a pretty good idea. I know I give you a long leash on a lot of things, and I like to, because despite my better judgment and all my protests to the contrary, I really do consider you a friend. But I can't look the other way here, not on this. I'm an assistant U.S. attorney, Liv. I prosecute crime. I get the bad guys. So at some point, even with you, I gotta draw the line. I gotta do my job. Gotta be the sheriff. Olivia: The white hat looks good on you. [SCENE_BREAK] MORGUE Stephen: Lisa, I'm gonna need that autopsy report fast-tracked as soon as you can. Lisa: Well, I can tell you right now it's gonna be a suicide. Stephen: I'm still gonna need that report. Lisa: Are you still engaged? Stephen: Not so engaged that I, I don't remember the freezer. [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON'S APARTMENT Gideon: Hey. I left you ten messages. I just heard. It's horrible. I couldn't reach you. Quinn: I didn't know what to do, so I-I just started making grilled cheese, because it's literally the only thing I know how to make, and it's comfort food, and I figured you'd be hungry, and you, Quinn, are you okay? [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT TV: Congressman Mike Pence of Indiana Welcoming the compromise, but cautioning against taking too much credit Olivia: What? Wait. Hold on. Coming! Stephen. Stephen: It's not his. Olivia: What? Stephen: I just got the coroner's report. The blood type's not a match. Amanda was pregnant, but the baby was not the President's. Stephen: Liv? Liv, you? Fitz: Hi. Olivia: Hi.

Plan: A: Amanda Tanner; Q: Who is missing? A: Pope & Associates; Q: Who is looking for Amanda? A: clues; Q: What is everyone looking for to find Amanda? A: a call; Q: What do they get that interrupts their search for Amanda? A: a plane; Q: What crashed in the woods of Virginia? A: the pilot; Q: Who was accused of drinking the night before the plane crashed? A: Huck; Q: Who finds footage linking him to the kidnapping of Amanda? A: Stephen; Q: Who finds it hard to find information out the same way he used to now that he is engaged? A: the 'Dream Act; Q: What act is President Fitz trying to pass? A: Vice President Sally Langston; Q: Who was the deciding vote on the Dream Act? A: the White House; Q: Where does Fitz get angry when he finds he can't leave? A: Olivia's apartment; Q: Where does Fitz show up? Summary: With Amanda Tanner missing, everyone at Pope & Associates is looking for clues to find her, that is until they get a call that a plane crashed in the woods of Virginia. Olivia works to find the truth about what truly happened, as the pilot had been accused of drinking the night before the plane crashed. Huck gets in touch with someone that he knew before he began working for Olivia, because he found footage linking him to the kidnapping of Amanda. Olivia then asks Huck to go back and do what he knew how to do best; Harrison and Abby find that one of the reports from the plane was copied, meaning that there was something wrong with the plane. Stephen finds it hard to find information out the same way he used to now that he is engaged; President Fitz begins to try to pass an act called the 'Dream Act', and the vote comes down to Vice President Sally Langston, who eventually agrees to pass it. Huck finds out where Amanda's body is, and they go in search to find it; Fitz gets angry when he finds he can't leave the White House. Stephen finds that Amanda's baby wasn't the president's and Fitz shows up at Olivia's apartment.

With Help from: Darcy Partridge [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in the canoe as Joey runs through the door carrying an outdoor patio table.] Joey: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there. (Goes back into the hall) Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I'm, I'm paddling away! Joey: (Returning carrying a couple of rusted lawn chairs) Huh?! Chandler: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?! Joey: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And, some of it is not even popped! (They both sit down at the table and the chick and the duck enter from Joey's bedroom.) Chandler: Could we be more white trash? OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are eating breakfast.] Monica: (Entering from her bedroom) How desperate am I? Rachel: Oh! Good thing Chandler's not here, he always wins at this game. Monica: I just told my Mom I'd cater a party for her. Phoebe: How come? Monica: Because I need the money, and I thought that it'd be a great way to get rid of that last little schmidgen of self-respect. Ross: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I don't think Mom would've hired you if she didn't think you were good at what you do. Monica: You don't have to stick up for her. She can't here you. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading the paper and Chandler is getting ready for work.] Rachel: (entering) Hey! Umm, do you guys have any juice? Joey: Just pickle. Chandler: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday. Rachel: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must've been awkward. Chandler: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink. Rachel: (laughs) You ah, you didn't say 'Yes' to that did you? Chandler: (laughs) No. No! Joanna: (Coming out of the shower wearing nothing but a towel) Hello, Rachel. (She goes into Chandler's bedroom) Chandler: Well, not at first. Rachel: What is she doing here? (Joey makes a sound like a creaking bed.) Rachel: I don't understand! Last time you went out with her you said she was a 'big, dull dud.' Chandler: Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level. (Joey creaks louder) Rachel: Well, last time I almost got fired. You must end it, you must end it now! Chandler: Oh, come on! It's not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I'm pretty much just in there by myself. (Joey makes a sound imitating one person making a bed creak and Chandler turns and glares at him.) Rachel: Chandler!! (He turns around quickly) Promise me, you will end it. Chandler: Okay, I promise, I'll end it. Rachel: Thank you. Chandler: I hope you know what I'm giving up for ya, because she's not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean. Joey: Yeah-eh-eah! (Rachel glares at him) Oh-oh, sorry, I-I knew what he meant. [Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are cooking for Mrs. Geller's party.] Mrs. Geller: (entering) How's the hired help? Monica: Doing great, the quiches are coming along. Mrs. Geller: What's this? Blue nail polish? Monica: Yeah, I thought it was cute. Mrs. Geller: Ahh, that's what your Grandmother's hands looked like when we found her. Monica: Let me ask you a question. Mrs. Geller: Hmm. Monica: Why did you hire me? Mrs. Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the food at his party, of course you were sleeping with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice, I assume you weren't sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that would be something. (Leaves) Monica: (to Phoebe) Oh my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because she thinks I'm good. Phoebe: Okay, I didn't hear that. Monica: Oh yeah, she didn't hire me out of pity, it wasn't so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks I'm good. Phoebe: Wow! And hey, it's cool if you're a lesbian! (Gives her a thumbs up) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is scrapping gum off the table as there is a knock on the door. He goes over and opens it.] The Salesman: (Entering before Joey can say anything) Good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house? Joey: Uhhhh. (He's not sure) The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias? Joey: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there. The Salesman: Actually, I'm not buying. I'm selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though you're not really sure what they're talking about? (We go into a flashback sequence with Joey remembering some of those times.) [Cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment, all are there.] Ross: ...I'm telling you it's totally unconstituional. Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: Oh yeah, I totally agree. (Joey just nods his head.) [Cut to Central Perk, the entire gang is there.] Monica: ...I think he deserves a Nobel Prize. (Joey starts to nod 'Yes.') All: Nooo!! (Joey quickly stops nodding his head.) [Cut to Monica and Rachel's, they're all there playing cards.] Chandler: ...it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.) [Cut back to the present day.] The Salesman: (Interrupting the flashback) Excuse me, I'm sorry, you haven't said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested? Joey: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in. [Scene: The Geller's Kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are still cooking.] Phoebe: That's weird. Monica: What? Phoebe: Your nails. Monica: Oh, I know, I never wear fake ones. I just did it so my Mom wouldn't give me grief about me biting them. Phoebe: Oh, no, I meant that it's weird that you only have nine now. Monica: (Looks at her nails) Oh my God. Wait a minute, I had them put... (realises) Oh my God! It's in the quiche! Oh My God! Phoebe: Okay, don't panic. I'm gonna go to the store, I'm gonna get you another set of nails, no one's gonna know, and you're gonna look great. (She runs over to get her coat.) Oh! Oh, it's 'cause they're gonna eat-that's the problem. Mrs. Geller: (entering) (to Monica) Honey, don't bite your nails. Monica: Okay ah, please don't freak out. Umm, but ah, there's a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and there's no way to know which one. Phoebe: And! Whoever finds it wins the prize! Mrs. Geller: (laughs) I'm not freaking out. Monica: Then why are you laughing? Mrs. Geller: It's nothing, it's just that now your Father owes me five dollars. Monica: What? You bet I'd lose a nail? Mrs. Geller: Oh no, don't be silly. I just bet I'd need these. (Opens the freezer to reveal...) Monica: Frozen lasagnas? Mrs. Geller: Um-hmm. Monica: You bet that I'd screw up?! So all that stuff about hiring me because I was good was... Mrs. Geller: No-no-no, that was all true. This was just in case you pulled a Monica. Monica: You promised Dr. Weinburg, you'd never use that phrase. Mrs. Geller: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of humour, you've never been able to laugh at yourself. Monica: (laughs) That's right. My Mom doesn't have any faith in me! Oh, that's hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Phoebe: I don't get it. Mrs. Geller: No, I have faith... Monica: (interrupting) No! You have lasagnas! (Storms out and an awkward silence follows.) Oven: Ding! Phoebe: Op, the ruined quiches are ready. [Scene: Joanna's office, Joanna and Chandler are making out on her chair. Chandler isn't wearing any pants.] Chandler: It just doesn't...feel like we're breaking up. Joanna: No, we are. I'm sad. Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing again, but are interrupted by the phone. Joanna: (answering the phone) Yes. (listens) Uh, can't you wait until tomorrow? (listens) All right. (hangs up) Unbelievable!! Chandler: Thanks. Joanna: No, no, that was my boss. I have to go. Chandler: Okay. (Starts to button up his shirt) Joanna: What are you doing? Chandler: I'm getting dressed. Joanna: Why? Chandler: When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me. Joanna: Wait. I wanna show you something. Chandler: What is it? Joanna: Just a little gag gift somebody gave me. (She's holding a pair of handcuffs) Put your hands together. Chandler: Ah-ha, you're not the boss of me. (She kisses him) Yeah, you are! (She handcuffs him to the chair) Ooh, saucy. Joanna: (kisses him) I'll be back in ten minutes. (Starts to leave) Chandler: You are, you're gonna leave me like this? Joanna: Knowing you're here, waiting for me I think it's kinda exciting. Chandler: Okay. But if you don't come back soon, (She leaves and closes the door) there's pretty much nothing I can do about it! [Cut to Joanna's outer office, where Rachel and Sophie work. They are both coming back from lunch.] Joanna: (locking her door) Oh. Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon! Joanna: Oh great! I'll keep it in my butt with your nose. (She grabs the cookie and walks out.) Rachel: That's weird, she locked the door. Sophie: Y'know why? She's got the Christmas bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this morning. Rachel: Okay, swear you won't tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joanna's office. Do you wanna see the list? Sophie: Yeah! (Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the chair. They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in shock and surprise.) Chandler: Hi! (to Sophie) How are you? (Rachel and Sophie both back out and close the door without saying anything. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joanna's office, Chandler, still handcuffed to the chair, is looking through the lingerie catalogue by turning the pages with his teeth. The phone rings and Chandler answers it with his nose.] Chandler: Hello, Joanna...(Realises he doesn't know her last name)...'s office. Joanna: (on speaker phone) I'm really sorry but I may be a little while longer. Chandler: How little?! Joanna: A couple of hours, I feel awful. Chandler: Look, this isn't funny! You get back here right now! Joanna: I can't!! Chandler: Why not?! Joanna: I'm in my boss's car! Chandler: What?! Joanna: Uh-oh, tunnel. (The phone gets cut off) (Chandler gets an idea) [Cut to Rachel's office as her intercom buzzes.] Rachel: (answering it) (angrily) What?! Chandler: (in a serious, businesslike tone) Rachel, could I see you for a moment? (Rachel goes into talk to Chandler.) Chandler: Okay, here's the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit. Rachel: You promised you would break up with her! Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well! Rachel: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?! Chandler: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out. Rachel: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them. Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can't get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I'm cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a statue behind Joanna's desk.) Rachel: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it! (Grabs the key) You never see Joanna again! Chandler: Never! Rachel: You never come into this office again! Chandler: Fine! Rachel: You give me back my Walkman! Chandler: I-never borrowed your Walkman. Rachel: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one! Chandler: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! (Rachel goes over and unlocks the handcuffs) Ahhh! (He starts rubbing his wrist) Rachel: Does it hurt? Chandler: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. (He runs over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet pants! Rachel: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell Joanna? Chandler: About what? Rachel: When she sees that you're gone, she's gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I'm gonna get fired! Chandler: I'll make something up! I'm good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman! Rachel: No, there's nothing to make up, she's gonna know that I have a key to her office, I've got to get you locked up back the way you were! (She tries to drag him over to the chair, but Chandler stops her.) Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, I don't think so! (He starts to put his pants on, but Rachel manages to drag him to the chair. When they get to the chair, Chandler drops his pants and knocks the chair away. Rachel then backs him up and locks him to the top drawer of a filing cabinet.) Chandler: Well, this is much better. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, The salesman is trying to sell Joey the encyclopedias.] The Salesman: So, here's somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh? Joey: He cut off his ear. The Salesman: And? Joey: I'm out. The Salesman: He painted that. (Points to one of his paintings in the book) Joey: Wow! That's pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear 'cause he sucked. What else you got in there? The Salesman: Let's see, ahhh... Where does the Pope live? Joey: In the woods. No wait-wait, that's the joke answer. The Salesman: Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber? Joey: Spock's birth control. The Salesman: (laughs) You need these books. [Scene: Monica's childhood bedroom (which has been turned into a gym), Monica is lying on the treadmill as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hi. Phoebe: This used to be your room? (She nods 'Yes') Wow! You must've been in really good shape as a kid. Monica: Ohh, I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I actually thought she could change. Phoebe: Well, who cares what your Mom thinks? So you pulled a Monica. Monica: Oh good, I'm glad that's catching on. Phoebe: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and we'll call that pulling a Monica. Monica: What? Phoebe: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight A's, his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica." Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, "Yeah, that one's outta here." Though some things don't change. Monica: (getting up) All right, I'll go down there. But, I'm not gonna serve the lasagna. I'm gonna serve something I make. [SCENE_BREAK] (She exits and Phoebe goes over and sits down at the machine that works your shoulders and tries to do one, which she does, easily.) Phoebe: Wow! My breasts are really strong. (She goes and joins Monica.) [Scene: Joanna's office, Rachel and Chandler are having a little tug-of-war with his pants.] Rachel: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she's very private about her office. Now I know why. Chandler: Hey, look, you're in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she's gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go. Rachel: What if I clean your bathroom for a month? Chandler: It still wouldn't be clean. (Rachel makes an 'Eww, disgusting!' face) All I want is my freedom. Rachel: Foot rubs for a month! Chandler: Freedom! Rachel: I'll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums! Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won't you here me?! (Opens the door) Sophie, help me! Help me!! (Sophie stands up) Rachel: Sophie sit!! (She closes the door and puts his tie into his mouth as a gag.) Rachel: No! God, would you just calm down! (Chandler screams a little bit, then realises that he can spit out his gag. He does so with a 'Pouff!') Chandler: I'm gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just... (He moves his arm which opens the drawer and hits in the back of the head, which proves his point.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is now reading the 'V' book, with the salesman watching.] Joey: Wow! There's a lot I didn't know about vomit. (The duck comes to the door of the bathroom, quacking.) (To the duck) In a minute. (The duck goes back into the bathroom.) The Salesman: So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book! Joey: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? I'm home in the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there's a few things you don't get from book learnin'. The Salesman: Well ah, what can you swing? Joey: How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time? The Salesman: You don't have, anything? Joey: You wanna see what I got? (He gets up to empty out his pockets) Okay? I've got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey! The Salesman: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time. (Starts to leave) Joey: And a 50. (The salesman stops suddenly) Huh, these must be Chandler's pants. The Salesman: For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A? B? C? Joey: Oh, I-I think I'm gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out. [Scene: Joanna's office, Rachel and Chandler are still negotiating.] Rachel: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts. Chandler: No! Rachel: I ah... Oh! I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning! Chandler: With extra pulp? Rachel: (happily) Yeah!! Chandler: No! Rachel: D'oh!! (pause) I've got it! Chandler: You don't have it. Rachel: I have so got it. There's gonna be rumours about this, there's no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know. Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know? Rachel: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous (Holds her hands far apart) or very (In a high pitched voice) stingy. Chandler: (intrigued) Go on. Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation's Milton Berle. Chandler: And Milton Berle has a... Rachel: Ohh, not compared to you. (Chandler nods in agreement) [Scene: The Geller's kitchen, Phoebe is bringing in some dirty dishes.] Monica: Well? Phoebe: They're not even touching the lasagna! Monica: Really?! Phoebe: Oh, they love your casserole. Monica: Yes!! Phoebe: It's hard to believe that just a little while ago this was nothing but ingredients. Mrs. Geller: (entering) Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish. Monica: And you? Mrs. Geller: I thought it was... quite tasty. Monica: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success. Which would make you... Mrs. Geller: (interrupting) A bitch? Monica: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word. Mrs. Geller: Yes, well I was wrong, and I have to say you really impressed me today. Monica: Wow! Phoebe: Umm, you might even say that she pulled a Monica. (They both look at her) (to Monica) She doesn't know we switched it. (Monica nods her head 'No.') Mrs. Geller: And the next time you cater for me, there will be nothing but ice in the freezer. (She starts to bite her nails) Monica: That really means a lot. Oh, and Mom, don't bite your nails. [Scene: Central Perk, all except Chandler, are there.] Chandler: (hello) Hello. Joey, Rachel, and Ross: Hey! Monica: (in a sexy voice) Hello, Chandler. (Phoebe has a huge smile on her face.) Chandler: (to Rachel) I love you. (Kisses her on the forehead) Joey: Wh-what's going on? Phoebe: Oh. (She motions for them to come closer, they lean in and she whispers what Rachel told her. The guys both lean back laughing.] Joey: No he doesn't! Chandler: (checks his watch) Two hours, that lasted! Rachel: So did you break up with Joanna? Chandler: I think so. Joey: Well, it's good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius. Ross: The volcano? Joey: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation. Rachel: What?! Joey: Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant. Monica: Why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden? Joey: Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam War? Monica: Oh! Did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean War? (Joey is pissed) All: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Phoebe: Oh God, Korea is such a beautiful country. Ross: With such a sad history. Chandler: Could there be more Kims? (They all laugh and Joey joins them, not to be left out. When the laughing dies down, he has a depressed look on his face.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel is coming in for the day.] Joanna: (from her office) Who's out there? Rachel: It's me! Good morning! Joanna: Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please? Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didn't have poppy seed bagels, so I... (Enters Joanna's office and sees her handcuffed to her chair wearing nothing but a slip) Oh my word! Joanna: I seem to have had a slight office mishap. Could you please get the key off the back of the door for me. Rachel: Oh, yeah! Yeah! (She goes back and forth, not sure what to do first, put the bagel down or grab the key. She finally puts the bagel down and grabs the key and goes over to unlock Joanna.) Joanna: You tell your friend Chandler that we're definately broken up this time. Rachel: Okay.

Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who is enticed by the encyclopedia salesman? A: the apartment; Q: Where does the encyclopedia salesman show up? A: the sample volume; Q: What can Joey afford to buy? A: "V.; Q: What letter does Joey become knowledgeable on? A: Monica; Q: Who caters a party for her mother? A: the mini; Q: What type of quiches did Monica make? A: her false fingernails; Q: What gets lost in a quiche? A: Judy; Q: Who bought frozen lasagnas as a back-up? A: a delicious dish; Q: What does Monica whip up at the last minute? A: Joanna; Q: Who is Chandler seeing again? A: a sticky situation; Q: What does Chandler land in? A: Rachel's wrath; Q: What does Chandler face after Joanna handcuffs him inside her office? A: a meeting; Q: What does Joanna leave for? Summary: Joey is enticed when a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman shows up at the apartment. Joey can only afford to buy the sample volume and becomes knowledgeable on subjects starting with the letter "V." Monica caters a party for her mother, but the mini-quiches are ruined when her false fingernails gets lost in one. Judy says she expected Monica to mess up so she bought frozen lasagnas as a back-up. Monica, angry, whips up a delicious dish at the last minute, impressing her mother. Chandler begins seeing Rachel's boss, Joanna again, but lands in a sticky situation and faces Rachel's wrath after Joanna handcuffs him inside her office, then leaves for a meeting, getting delayed and stranding him.