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VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars... From the pilot, Veronica runs out to the Kane pool and is shocked to see Lilly lying dead. Cut to Veronica having watched the tapes of Aaron and Lilly in 122 "Leave It to Beaver." VERONICA: I know what happened. In Veronica's visualisation of the crime, Aaron hits Lilly across the head with a heavy ashtray. VERONICA: [offscreen] Dad, it's Aaron Echolls; he did it. At home, a concerned Keith listens to her on his cell. VERONICA: [offscreen] I have video of Lilly in his bed on the day she died. In 210 "One Angry Veronica," Keith attends Woody at the latter's office. WOODY: The Aaron Echolls-Lilly Kane s*x tapes have been stolen from the evidence room. Logan sobs as he destroys the tapes. KEITH: [offscreen] For a guy who says he hates his father... Keith arrives too late to stop him. KEITH: ...you sure did him a huge favor. Logan stands on the edge of the railing on the Coronado Bridge in 122 "Leave It to Beaver." LOGAN: What do you think you can do to me? WEEVIL: I'll think of something. From 201 "Normal Is the Watchword," Logan beckons Weevil on, then kicks him in the face. The rest of the bikers drag him off the edge and pull him down to the ground. They start kicking. A little later, a man stands over Logan as he returns to consciousness. DRIVER: Why don't you do me a favor and drop that knife? Logan groggily notes the bloody knife in his hand and Felix's body lying nearby. Cut to Logan's bed in 203 "Cheatty, Cheatty, Bang, Bang." Naked Logan grabs his cell from naked Kendall, who is astride him, and throws it across the room. LOGAN: I can handle the spice department, thank you very much. KENDALL: Oh really? LOGAN: Really. He pulls Kendall down to him. Cut to Tom Griffith approaching Lamb in 206 "Rat Saw God." GRIFFITH: I have information about that Mexican kid who got killed. I'm the one who made the anonymous call. Logan comes clean with Veronica in 207 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner." LOGAN: That's not the guy from the bridge. VERONICA: You said the whole night was a blur. LOGAN: I lied. Logan urgently educates Hannah about her father in 214 "Versatile Toppings." LOGAN: Your dad is in deep to the Fitzpatrick family, the ones who really wanted Felix dead. Griffith comes upon Hannah and Logan as they watch TV. GRIFFITH: Hannah? Griffith tackles Logan as he comes out of the bathroom. GRIFFITH: I want you to get out of my house and never speak to her again. LOGAN: You'd better rethink what you saw on the bridge. Woody pontificates at the golf club in 207 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner." WOODY: I promised a cleaner, safer Neptune. Wanna know how I'm gonna get there? Incorporation. KEITH: That's not a town, Woody, that's a-that's a country club. Woody pontificates at Sharks Field in 201 "Normal Is the Watchword." WOODY: I know some of you. I even coached a few of you back in Little League. I thought I'd invite the journalism classes out and give Gia a chance to make some new friends. Dick sucks up to Gia. DICK: Hello, friend. A little later, Woody introduces a legend. WOODY: Special guest: future Hall-of-Famer, Terrence Cook. Dick talks to Veronica and Duncan. DICK: We're not taking that stank-ass bus back to Neptune. My dad's sending a limo. Veronica watches the bus drive away without her. Weevil gives her a ride on his motorbike and they come across the crash. GIA: It just went straight off the cliff. They're all dead. Cut to the interrogation room at the sheriff's department in 203 "Cheatty, Cheatty, Bang, Bang." LAMB: Mr. David "Curly" Moran. VERONICA: What does this have to do with me? LAMB: This body washed up on the beach, beaten to death. At the garage where Curly worked, Veronica stares at one of Curly's framed celebrity photos - the one of him with Aaron Echolls. VERONICA VOICEOVER: It looks as though Curly and I have a friend in common. "All these years, still on The Long Haul." Veronica stares in horror at the poster of Aaron's movie at the Echolls family home. VERONICA VOICEOVER: It's a movie, featuring a signature stunt where a truck is sent veering over a bridge. Keith and Veronica watch TV in 212 "Wallace and Rashard Go to White Castle." ANNOUNCER: Balboa County Sheriff Don Lamb questions baseball legend Terrence Cook in connection with the Neptune High bus crash. Terrence pauses as he leaves Keith and Mars Investigations in 213 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough." TERRENCE: You'll take my case? At the office, Veronica questions Keith in 214 "Versatile Toppings." VERONICA: You sure you're not clouded by your years of being his biggest fan? Keith doubts that Terrence has come clean in 213 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough." KEITH: A secret, tumultuous relationship with a teacher who died in the crash? Seems like more of a motive than supporting Woody's plans for incorporation. Lamb interrogates Gia at the sheriff's department, as heard on the interview tapes by Keith in 210 "One Angry Veronica." LAMB: That's why you didn't take the bus home. GIA: Actually, my dad told me not to. I mean, he must have been totally psychic or something. Veronica holds out a frozen dead rat in a plastic bag at Mars Investigations in 209 "My Mother, the Fiend." VERONICA: Are you keeping a dead rat in our freezer? KEITH: I found it on the bus. VERONICA: It was a message...for me. I'm the rat. Keith offers a different interpretation in 212 "Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle." KEITH: A dead rat's only talent, it smells...bad enough to drive anyone who could afford another ride off the bus. Thumper faces off against Weevil. THUMPER: So what if we want to make some money selling dope to rich white boys? Is that such a bad thing? Weevil gets thumped. A little later, bloody, bruised and on his knees, Weevil looks up at his Iago. WEEVIL: You killed Felix, didn't you? THUMPER: That's an interesting theory, Eli. But before you think about spreading it around, I think you should see something. Thumper shows Weevil the images on his cell of Weevil beating up Curly. THUMPER: That night you nearly kicked Curly's head in? Beaver propositions Kendall (No! not like that) at Java the Hut in 209 "My Mother, the Fiend." BEAVER: I'm using my trust fund to start a real estate business. KENDALL: Hmm. BEAVER: You would be the face of the Phoenix Land Trust. Veronica goes looking for a Phillips head screwdriver in the hangar Terrence uses to store his cars and finds something unexpected, as she tells a disappointed Keith in 214 "Versatile Toppings." VERONICA: Jackie and I borrowed one of Terrence's cars tonight. I was digging around where he keeps them and I found some sort of explosive and detonators. End previouslies...phew! INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Veronica pours coffee as Keith, still in his dressing gown and sitting at the counter, sadly considers a world of fallen idols. KEITH: Veronica, are you absolutely sure what you saw in that hangar were explosives? Veronica hands Keith his coffee. VERONICA: And detonators. Pretty sure. They were marked "C-4." Keith sighs heavily and takes a drink from the cup as Veronica walks around the counter and sits opposite him. VERONICA: Maybe Terrence has a legitimate use for them. KEITH: Trout fishing? Anyone else know about this? VERONICA: Jackie was with me but she didn't see anything. KEITH: [under his breath] God. VERONICA: What are you gonna do? KEITH: I'm gonna get dressed. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Lamb is leaning back in his chair, a little incredulous. LAMB: Come again? Keith is standing in front of Lamb's desk, his hands deep in his pockets. KEITH: Explosives. They're in the hangar where Terrence keeps his cars. LAMB: Your Terrence? The same Terrence who had nothing to do with the bus crash, who couldn't possibly have made the call that detonated the bomb? KEITH: Veronica saw them first-hand. LAMB: Oh, well, if Veronica saw them. I mean that's like Moses bringing tablets down the mountain to me. KEITH: Why don't you get a search warrant, Sheriff, and see for yourself. LAMB: Could take a while. Judge Carlton's fly fishing at Big Horn. Lamb fakes a revelation, pointing at Keith. LAMB: Unless you've got a canoe. KEITH: You might want to post someone-- LAMB: Outside the hangar? You think? Keith shrugs, shakes his head and walks out of the office. TELEVISION BROADCAST. A lightning effect flashes across a graphic for Hollywood Entertainment Network's Tinseltown Diaries, turning the black background momentarily white as the deeply-voiced announcer drones. The central image is of a closed diary. Hanging from the S of "Tinseltown" is a discarded red bra. ANNOUNCER: Tonight, Tinseltown Diaries examines the rise and fall of one of Hollywood's brightest stars. The graphic gives way to a series of photos as described by the announcer. ANNOUNCER: Choir boy. Cub Scout. Starving actor. The picture next up is of Harry Hamlin in Clash of the Titans. ANNOUNCER: Mega-star. Husband. After a wedding picture of Aaron and Lynn, and another of all four Echolls, a tabloid magazine appears, The Find which headlines, "Aaron Echolls Adultery Exposed! Exclusive Photos Show 'Perfect' Hollywood Marriage in Shambles!" The tabloid, still only $2.11, also promises to reveal that "Hollywood Gets Fatter!" and "Banned! Mini-Motos a Danger. Key Grip Dies after Collision with Truck." The mega-giveaway is a stick that cures everything from acne to zits. ANNOUNCER: Father. Adulterer. A clip of Lilly from Logan's memorial video is shown, followed by a mug shot of Aaron. ANNOUNCER: Cradle-robber. Murderer. Who is the real Aaron Echolls? The scene shifts to Aaron, being interviewed in prison. INTERVIEWER: Can you look right into the camera and tell America you've done nothing wrong? AARON: I've made mistakes. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT. Dick and Logan are watching, Logan with increasing discomfort. Dick has the remote in his hand. AARON: [offscreen] But I swear on my life I did not kill Lilly Kane. ANNOUNCER: Echolls rose to fame in the eighties... LOGAN: Switch it. DICK: Dude, you kidding? Don't you wanna see how it ends? On screen, the family picture is shown again. It is in colour and has Trina, Aaron, Lynn and Logan standing, facing the camera. Lynn is laughing, the men are smiling and Trina is looking a little sour. The photo fades to black and white. ANNOUNCER: Almost as famous as the man himself are the other members of the Echolls family, their sordid lives an endless source of tabloid fodder. In 1984... DICK: Dude, your dad's really leaned out in the big house. Probably all those tossed salads, huh? Logan is increasingly upset, a fact Dick chooses to ignore. On screen, the front cover of Strike, last seen in 112 "Clash of the Tritons," appears. There's another picture of Lynn and Aaron and a clip from the helicopter circling over the Coronado Bridge where Lynn's car is abandoned. ANNOUNCER: After an avalanche of stories about Aaron's infidelities made headlines last year, wife Lynn's car was found stranded on the Coronado Bridge, where she is assumed to have leapt to her death. Rumors of Echolls' sometimes-actress daughter, Trina's terminal illness were recently revealed to be a hoax. After another glimpse of a tabloid headline, "Aaron Echolls Private Tragedy," pictures of Veronica's footage of Trina making her donor plea from 209 "My Mother, the Fiend" are shown. Logan continues to squirm. Logan glances over at Dick, who grins broadly at him. ANNOUNCER: And son Logan's rocky relationship with the media and the law began last year when he organized and videotaped a series of bum fights. The bum fight footage from The Smoking Gun, first seen in 106 "Return of the Kane," is shown, followed by news footage of Logan leaving the courthouse from 201 "Normal Is the Watchword". ANNOUNCER: Today, the youngest Echolls is... INT - DENENBERG RESIDENCE - CONTINUING. Hannah is also watching the broadcast. ANNOUNCER: ...like his old man, awaiting trial, accused in the stabbing death of a local gang member, a murder that took place on the infamous Coronado Bridge... Her mother, Steph Denenberg is standing beside her, watching with growing horror. STEPH: That's who you're dating? Hannah looks up at her mother and sighs. ANNOUNCER: ...where his mother is believed to have committed suicide. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - CONTINUING. ANNOUNCER: Through it all, Aaron has steadfastly denied any guilt in the murder of friend Jake Kane's only daughter. INTERVIEWER: What about the s*x tapes? AARON: What tapes? Dick glances over at Logan again. AARON: My counsel's requested copies from the prosecution. Where are they? I don't think they exist. I've said all along, it's her brother they should be looking at, Duncan Kane. I mean, he's got a history of violence. Now he's fled the country? INT - JAVA THE HUT - CONTINUING. AARON: He's wanted for kidnapping? Veronica, holding a tray with six cups of coffee on it, has stopped to watch. ANNOUNCER: Aaron Echolls is currently in custody in the Balboa County prison. The Lilly Kane murder trial is... Jane approaches her. JANE: Veronica? ANNOUNCER: ...set to begin this spring... VERONICA: Oh, hey Jane. Jane points to the tray. JANE: I think those are our drinks. VERONICA: And you want me to bring them to you versus watching them get cold from across the room. Got it. Veronica starts to follow Jane to one of the tables. They pause to watch the girl on the karaoke stage, doing a deliberately raunchy performance of Cheap Trick's "I Want You to Want Me." HEIDI: [sings] I want you to want me. The singer rolls her hips suggestively. Veronica and Jane laugh. HEIDI: [sings] I need you to need me. JANE: My sister, Heidi. HEIDI: [sings] I'd love you to love me. They continue to the table where four other girls are laughing and cheering Heidi's performance. Jane takes her seat and Veronica starts to serve the coffees. VERONICA: The bride to be? HEIDI: [sings] I'm begging you to beg me. MAGGIE: More like the "bride to beat." She's only marrying Paul Mann. The Mann's are, like, the oldest money in Neptune. HEIDI: [sings] I want you to want me. VERONICA: You mean like from the eighties? HEIDI: [sings] I want you to want me. VERONICA: Please tell me they invented the fish-net muscle shirt. HEIDI: [sings] I want you to want me. Oh, I want you to want meeeee. The girls cheer wildly as Heidi brings her song to a close. MC: A-all right, let's hear it for Heidi! Good going, Heidi. Next up the vocal talents of Randy... Heidi high-fives Kim and sits down at the table. MAGGIE: Honey! Next time, please hold the mike in your right hand, because you nearly blinded the audience with your rock. Maggie reaches over and takes Heidi's hand on which is sported a very, very large diamond. In the background, Randy can be heard, although not seen, as he tackles Gilbert and Sullivan's "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General." RANDY: [sings] I am the very model of a modern Major-General I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical VERONICA: Wow. Somebody parked a diamond Volkswagen on your finger. MAGGIE: It's ours. We wantsss it. Heidi pulls her hand back. One of the girls, Jen, pours alcohol from a flask into her coffee, a fact Veronica notes. HEIDI: No, it's mine, along with the gorgeous, brilliant sweetheart of a man that goes with it. RANDY: [sings] I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse VERONICA: I have to say, we don't get that many bachelorette parties at the Hut. HEIDI: This is just the first stop of the no-holds-barred bacchanalia. Heidi raises her cup and the girls clink their cups together. HEIDI: Coffee up, ladies. JANE: [to Veronica] It's a bachelorette scavenger hunt. Jane hands Veronica a piece of red paper. Veronica reads. VERONICA: "One--sing slutty song publicly. Two--talk a man out of his underwear." HEIDI: Done and done. Here. RANDY: [sings] I'm very good at integral and differential calculus I know the scientific names of beings animalculous In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral I am the very model of a modern Major-General Heidi holds up a pair of boxers. She glances behind her at a man (Michael Ausiello of TVGuide.com) who grins in embarrassment. Heidi swings the boxers over her head. Jen holds up a camera. Heidi poses with the boxers and Jen takes a picture. JEN: Say "Cheese-Whiz." VERONICA: Alrighty then, well if you wind up getting to number eight, be sure and bring mouthwash. Veronica leaves them to their fun. EXT - HANGAR - DAY. A small plane and some cars stand outside a hangar, the door of which is partially up. Inside the hanger, the black helicopter and one of Terrence's cars can be seen, along with a couple of men. Some temporary barriers block access to the hangar. Keith leans on his car watching events behind the barrier. The men walk out of the hangar, followed by two others. It's Lamb and a man in a face mask who walks away with a bag. Keith walks forward to the barrier to speak to Lamb. LAMB: Oh, you lookie-loos, with your police-band radios and free time. KEITH: What'd you find? Lamb addresses a crowd that isn't there. LAMB: All right, people, back it on up, nothing to see here. KEITH: Is that C-4? Did the bomb squad confirm it? LAMB: Sir, this is a police matter. Behind Lamb's shoulder, Keith sees a red pickup truck which is marked "Magic Touch. Custom Auto Detailing. 619-555-0146." It approaches and slows for a deputy who, after a brief word, waves the driver off. LAMB: You'll have to wait for the press conference like everyone else. Lamb dismisses Keith who barely notices as he concentrates on the departing pickup truck. INT - NEPTUNE HIGH SCHOOL (NHS), HALLWAY - DAY. Veronica strides through the busy hallway. Jane runs to catch up with her. JANE: Veronica. VERONICA: Hey, party-girl. JANE: I need your help. VERONICA: Let me guess, the pin-the-penis-on-the-fireman game ended in tears? JANE: My sister's missing. This pulls Veronica up sharply as she stares at Jane. Opening credits. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - DAY. From overhead, the camera pans over several tables before settling on the one where Veronica and Jane are having their lunch. JANE: Heidi's friends dropped her off at, like, two in the morning. She missed her final dress fitting at ten. We figured she was hung over, but we went by her place. Called everyone. No one's seen her; no one's heard from her. Her cell phone goes right to voice-mail. VERONICA: Did you check the hospitals? JANE: My mom did. Here's the thing, my sister's great, but she's-- Wallace joins them with his tray, sitting between them, finishing Jane's sentence. WALLACE: She's kind of a dingbat sometimes. Veronica and Jane both give him a look. WALLACE: What? The last time we all went to the beach, Heidi almost drowned herself, trying to swim with the dolphins. JANE: I'm just afraid she's having a Heidi moment and she's gonna mess up her life. We have to find her before the wedding. Paul and his family cannot find out she's gone. VERONICA: Aren't they gonna miss her? I mean, doesn't she have wedding stuff to do? JANE: There's a wedding planner, and Paul's parents are pretty much doing everything else. WALLACE: Well, what about the rehearsal dinner? You thinking a stunt double? JANE: There isn't one. It's gonna be a tiny ceremony, immediate family only, then five hundred at the reception. VERONICA: When's the wedding? JANE: Saturday. As in three days from now. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Cameras flash as Lamb gives a press conference. LAMB: At 10:17 this morning, a warrant for the arrest of Terrence Cook was issued charging him with eight counts of murder in the first degree. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS (MI) - DAY. Keith watches the live report on 5 Action News on the TV in his office. REPORTER: Sheriff, you picked him up for questioning before without charging him. Is there new evidence? LAMB: Explosives were found matching the type used in the bus crash in hangar space used by Mr. Cook to house his fleet of automobiles. REPORTER: Do you have Mr. Cook in custody? LAMB: Ah, no, not yet, but if he runs, he's not gonna get far. Lamb turns away, ending the press conference as the babble of questions continues. ANNOUNCER: That's all we have here at Neptune's Sheriff's Department. Back to you, Don. Pissed off, Keith pulls out the ringing cell phone from his pocket and checks the caller ID. KEITH: Hey. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - CONTINUING. Veronica is sitting on one of the low walls, legs crossed beneath her. She has a notebook open across her thighs as she talks to Keith. The camera switches between the two locations during the call. VERONICA: Do you mind helping me out? A friend's sister is missing, a runaway-bride thing. Her name is Heidi Kuhne. KEITH: Veronica, aren't you supposed to be at school doing schooly-type stuff? VERONICA: That's why I want you to run her phone records, Pop. You can do this in your sleep, come on. KEITH: All right, just as long as-- VERONICA: Both cell and home, please, and you might as well check her credit cards and ATM activity while you're at it. KEITH: Is there anything else, darling? VERONICA: Hey, I'm sorry about Terrence. KEITH: Yeah, me too. Veronica switches off her phone and looks around. She sees Logan and Hannah, both sitting on top of one of the tables, kissing. Veronica's face shows her disgust. At the table, Logan and Hannah cuddle. LOGAN: So you want me to come over after school? HANNAH: The words out of your mouth are "come over," but all I hear you saying is "Let's have s*x." Logan stiffens and looks at her. LOGAN: Excuse me? All I heard you say is "Let's have s*x." Hannah laughs. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Logan is at his locker. He pulls out a book and shuts the locker. Veronica is leaning against the next locker, waiting. Logan jerks slightly in surprise. VERONICA: Toying with a sweet little girl's heart just to screw with her dad? Logan, head down, nods slightly in resignation. VERONICA: I get it, San Quentin isn't quite as enticing as, say, college, but damn, you've really plumbed new depths, Logan. Logan, who starting smirking at the mention of San Quentin, looks at Veronica for a moment. LOGAN: You're cute when you're jealous. He touches her nose lightly and walks away. Veronica sighs, dissatisfied. INT - JAVA THE HUT. Veronica, still in her school outfit of naked man black T-shirt over a grey long sleeved one and distressed jeans, balances on the arm of one of the armchairs and interviews three of the bachelorette party goers who sit on a couch opposite her. VERONICA: Did Heidi say anything about being unhappy or having second thoughts? MAGGIE: No, she's more of the act-now-think-later type of girl. JEN: Her first love, Nick, she had his name tattooed on her ass after a week. KIM: It was two weeks, and she had it removed. JEN: When? She didn't tell me. KIM: It took, like, six weeks. That's why she waited so long to sleep with Paul. She didn't want him to see it. MAGGIE: And he thinks he found himself the last nice girl. JEN: Oh my god, did you guys hear about Nick's mother? She fell off her roof putting up a satellite dish. MAGGIE: Mmmm. VERONICA: Okay, let's try to stay on topic. Um, did anything out of the ordinary happen last night? MAGGIE: Packaged Meat was pretty extra-ordinary. KIM: I lost my cell phone. VERONICA: "Packaged..."? MAGGIE: The all-male revue we took her to. JEN: There was this guy creeping around at the Happy Horseshoe. She said she'd seen him before, like he was following her. She had the bouncers kick him out. VERONICA: Did any of you see him? Maggie shakes her head. VERONICA: When you were here, you were taking pictures. MAGGIE: Jen got one of those novelty disposable cameras, the ones where the prints come out with penises around the borders. VERONICA: Lovely. Where's the camera? KIM: I gave it to Heidi. I think she took it with her. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Thank you, ladies, for all your help. If I were a novelty camera, where would I be? INT - HEIDI'S APARTMENT. Jane opens the door to Veronica. Veronica enters and gasps at the sight. There are clothes and things strewn everywhere. It looks like a bomb hit it. JANE: Be it ever so disgusting, there's no place like Heidi's. VERONICA: Okay, her apartment being ransacked, not a good sign. Jane smiles. JANE: It's okay, this is how it always looks. Jane shuts the door as Veronica looks around warily. JANE: Should be easy to find a camera in this, don't you think? On a small table, there is an open bottle of wine with two glasses, one of them used and the other broken. VERONICA: Two wine glasses. You sure she wasn't expecting company? JANE: I'm sure. She left her cell phone charger. VERONICA: Might be why she's not returning calls. Can you tell if she packed a bag? Jane glances around and scoffs. JANE: You're kidding, right? Veronica sighs. INT - LIFT. The doors to an elevator open. A besuited man steps out and grins as Kendall passes him to make her way inside. MAN: Hi. Beaver follows her into the lift, hits the button and the doors close. KENDALL: How we doing...boss? BEAVER: Me. Well, I'm holding up my end. I got six more properties added to the Phoenix Land Trust portfolio, two of which are beachfront. You would not believe the deals that I've gotten. KENDALL: [disinterestedly] That's good. BEAVER: Yeah, we're out of capital. That's bad. Maybe it's time we think outside the box, you know, find new revenue streams. KENDALL: You know that all the investors believe that your dad's pulling the strings? BEAVER: I know. Kendall sighs loudly. KENDALL: I did hear the Kane house is going up for sale. BEAVER: That's the wrong side of town. The deals are all south. KENDALL: I think we should buy it. BEAVER: What have I told you about thinking? KENDALL: [in a baby voice] That it makes my breasts smaller? Beaver snorts derisively. KENDALL: Have you ever considered that maybe I'm the clever one? She runs her hand down his chest. KENDALL: That this delightful packaging is a means to outwitting my adversary? As Kendall gets lower, Beaver grabs her hand and thrusts it away. BEAVER: Consider it? I'm banking on it. KENDALL: But have you considered that, um, you're my adversary? My name's on everything, right? Beaver glances over at her and smiles. The lift reaches its destination and the doors open. Beaver steps out and Kendall follows. BEAVER: Oh yes it is. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE. Cliff is standing in front of Logan who is sitting on the couch. Cliff is holding his open diary. CLIFF: So, they've set a trial date sixty days from today. LOGAN: Whatever will I wear? CLIFF: The D.A.'s offering a one-time deal, plea bargain. LOGAN: Well, I'm not interested. CLIFF: You should be. They're talking involuntary manslaughter. That brings your maximum sentence down from eleven years to four. With good behavior, if you could muster some, you'd be out in half that. LOGAN: Two years? Cliff sighs and sits on the ottoman opposite Logan. CLIFF: Logan, let me remind you, the prosecution has witnesses, the good kind, eye-witnesses. LOGAN: Cholo low lives and a lying coke-head plastic surgeon. CLIFF: A prominent, well-respected, coke-head doctor. And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in The Tinseltown Diaries? Jurors love convicting smug rich boys, it's a fact. I've asked around and, I hope this isn't news to you but, no one likes you. LOGAN: Even if I had stabbed Felix, which I didn't, it would've been self-defence. I got jumped by a gang, argue that. CLIFF: I plan to, but the doctor didn't see a gang, he saw three bikers, one of them bleeding to death, a knife in your hand. He'll testify that you weren't in peril when you stabbed Felix. LOGAN: No deal. Ciffs sighs again and puts his diary in his briefcase, getting ready to leave. CLIFF: Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt. Cliff rises and goes out of shot at Logan stares at him and then into space. EXT - PERRY'S CAFÉ, CAR PARK - NIGHT. Veronica and Wallace exit the café. WALLACE: Yeah, this is where I will come for cash in the middle of the night. VERONICA: Dad said all her cards were maxed so Heidi hit three different ATMs in an hour. She made the maximum withdrawal at each. WALLACE: What are you thinking? Well either she had some more G-strings left to stuff at Packaged Meat, or someone forced her to take that money out. Ah, man, what am I gonna tell Jane? VERONICA: Let's not freak out until there's something concrete to freak out about. Wallace nods and they both look ahead and stop. There's a car parked on its own on the far side of the car park. WALLACE: You mean like finding her car abandoned in the middle of nowhere? VERONICA: Yeah, like that. Cut to slightly later. Veronica and Wallace are standing by Heidi's car. Veronica is on her cell phone as Wallace listens. VERONICA: That's it? That's all you'll do? DEPUTY: Right now that's all we can do. Veronica scoffs and turns off the phone. WALLACE: So, what did the sheriff's department say? VERONICA: Nothing that inspires confidence. Veronica moves to the door of the car, pulling out something long and thin from her bag. VERONICA: The deputy started laughing when he heard that the missing person was at a bachelorette party. She slides the object between the window and the car frame. VERONICA: Said they wouldn't start looking until after the forty-eight hours had passed. Veronica manages to unlock the car. She opens the door and leans in to search inside. She straightens and looks at Wallace. VERONICA: Good news. WALLACE: What? Veronica holds up a camera and gives a rueful snort. EXT - MAGIC TOUCH - NIGHT. Keith parks in a small lot in front of Magic Torch. The pickup truck is parked there together with two expensive cars. One of them is under a small awning and is being worked on by the driver of the pickup truck. Keith gets out of the car and walks towards the man. KEITH: Working hard? DETAILER: Working always. What can I do for you? KEITH: You've done some detailing work for Terrence Cook? DETAILER: You a cop? Keith pulls out one of his business cards, handing it to the man who glances at it and puts it in his pocket before continuing to clean the car. KEITH: I'm a private investigator working on Mr. Cook's behalf. I saw you pull up while the hangar was being searched. DETAILER: It's time for his monthly. KEITH: His what? DETAILER: I have a standing contract with Terrence. That man loves his cars. I detail every one of them, once a month. You know, he used to have over forty, but ah, I guess things got tough. He's down to eight. He chuckles. KEITH: Explosives were found in the tall cabinet, near the Maserati. You know the one I'm talking about? DETAILER: Yeah, sure, that's where he keeps the baby's blankets. KEITH: The what? DETAILER: That's what he calls the calfskin chamois. They're all he'll let me use. KEITH: So if there had been explosives in that cabinet a month ago... DETAILER: I would've seen 'em. KEITH: And if you had detailed his cars yesterday... The detailer gives a knowing shrug. KEITH: Terrence knows you're out there once a month? DETAILER: Oh, yeah. Yeah, he knows. I'm a half hour late, I get a call. Keith smiles. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - DAY. Jane is flicking through photos of Heidi and her party on the night of the bachelorette party. VERONICA: I had the printers forgo the phallic framing. Penises can sometimes be distracting. JANE: I don't know how helpful I'm gonna be; I didn't really get a good look at the guy. It was dark and loud and there were condom balloons hitting my head. VERONICA: Just take your time. Veronica pulls a file out of her bag. She consults it. VERONICA: Okay, here's what we know: Heidi got two phone calls back to back at 2:55 and 2:57 AM. They were short, no messages on her machine, so we can assume she took them. The first ATM transaction was at 3:20. That tells me whoever called had something to do with her leaving. JANE: Can't you find out who made the calls? Isn't that a P.I.'s thing, tracing phone numbers? VERONICA: Usually we can, but the number is no longer in service and according to my father's friend at the phone company, it never was. Very odd. JANE: Wait a minute. I think that's him. Jane pulls out one of the photos. It is a picture of Jane, Maggie, Jen, Heidi and Kim at a small table. Shot glasses are in front of each of them. In the space between Jen and Heidi, the chest of a man standing behind them can be seen. He is wearing a red shirt on which is a logo of the face of an eye-patched cartoon duck. VERONICA: Where? JANE: There. VERONICA: Jane, that's a torso. JANE: It's the shirt. I remember his shirt. VERONICA: Is that a bowling shirt? INT - PRISON - DAY. Aaron has a visitor. As the guard behind him watches with interest, Aaron speaks into the phone to the person on the other side of the glass. AARON: So, to what do I owe the pleasure? KENDALL: I'm here to tempt you, Aaron. AARON: Well, mission accomplished. Or should I say, "With what?" KENDALL: Huge tracts of land, more action than I can handle. I'm here to offer you a piece. AARON: So, I guess Big Dick still has his fingers in a few pies, huh? KENDALL: My husband's got quite a reach. Some are saying that uh, he might be working abroad. Kendall winks and Aaron chuckles. Kendall deepens her voice to seduction level. KENDALL: Aaron, how would you like to walk out of here a richer man? Aaron lets outs a long breath. AARON: You're cash-strapped. No, I get it. I can help. But... Aaron holds the phone away from his ear, keeping only the mouthpiece near his face. AARON: ...quid pro quo, Mrs. C. His eyes take on a crazed look. AARON: Quid pro quo. He takes air in through his teeth as if noisily sucking up a liquid, mimicking Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs. He preens for Kendall. KENDALL: Impressive Hannibal. Aaron chuckles again. KENDALL: Well, they told me the glass is bulletproof, but I'm betting I can talk you through it. Kendall, wearing a tight, cheetah skin top which zips up the front, slowly unzips to show even more cleavage. Aaron draws the phone across his mouth, licking it, watching with interest for a moment. AARON: Something else. KENDALL: Oh. I'm all ears. AARON: You know my son, Logan? He hangs out with the Casablancas kid all the time. KENDALL: We've...met. AARON: Well maybe you can find a reason to drop by his hotel room. KENDALL: I guess. If I really tried. Aaron smiles. INT - SHOP - DAY. Music: "Lost Art" by Mere Mortals. LYRICS: On the night of a new sensation You sold out to the daydream nation You breathe in and you hold it hard Baby, you're a lost art Logan wanders though a convenience store-cum-diner. He picks up some candy. Logan is being watched by a couple of Mexican kids who are glaring at him. Logan notices. One of them is Arturo, the PCH biker from 214 "Versatile Toppings." The other boy shakes his head, sneering at Logan, and the two boys leave. EXT - SHOP - DAY. Cut to later as Logan exits the store. Stands of Auto Trader magazines are either side of the doorway and the windows are covered in advertisements for the products inside, such as fine wines, hot dogs, low carb wraps, torpedoes, ham or turkey sandwiches and combos. Logan heads for the Xterra. The two boys are riding their bikes behind him. End music: "Lost Art" by Mere Mortals. ARTURO: Hey! Logan whips around. As Arturo passes him on his bike, he spits in Logan's eye. ARTURO: Ve a el diablo! [Translation: Go to the devil!] The boys ride off as Logan wipes the spit away. He says "f*ck" to himself. INT - DENENBERG RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Hannah is curled up next to Logan on a sofa. They are watching a DVD. Hannah looks up at Logan. HANNAH: What's up, you? She presses his stomach. LOGAN: What? Logan kisses her forehead, then looks her in the eye. LOGAN: Nothing. HANNAH: You lie. Easy Rider. Your choice, not mine. I should be the one sulking. Logan chuckles softly. HANNAH: You know what the punishment is for lying. Logan smiles. LOGAN: What? HANNAH: You lose a nipple. Hannah grabs Logan's nipple and his face contorts as they start to wrestle. LOGAN: Ow. Are you crazy? Ow. Don't do it again. Crazy. A figure appears before them, stopping their laughter and play. STEPH: Hannah. May I see you in the kitchen for a minute? HANNAH: I guess. Mom, this is Logan. LOGAN: Mrs. Griffith, it's nice to meet you. Steph's demeanour remains icy. LOGAN: So, this is a great place you have here. STEPH: Denenberg. And it's Ms. LOGAN: Oh, sorry. Hannah rises to join her mother in the kitchen. Logan stands too. LOGAN: Uh...Hey, uh, while you two are in the kitchen, do you mind if I use your computer for a second? I just wanna check some fantasy scores. Steph points. STEPH: It's in the den. LOGAN: Thanks. Cut to a few moment later. Logan is in the den at Steph's computer. Her mousepad is a week's diary page where she's written things to do, such as go to a birthday party for Chris on Thursday. Logan uses the mouse to access her email on the screen. He glances towards the kitchen as he pulls up an email from Tom Griffith MD, FACS at DrGriffith@NeptuneCosmetic.com. Using Steph's email, Steph Denenberg , Logan composes an email to Griffith on the subject heading of "Thought you should know..." the following: "Thought you should know, found birth control" and stops. He backspaces through "birth control" and types "CONDOMS" in its place and continues: "in Hannah's room. We need to talk." Logan glances at the kitchen again before expelling his breath. There's a click as he sends the message. In the kitchen, Steph is pleading with Hannah. STEPH: Honey, open your eyes. The guy's bad news. HANNAH: You don't even know him. How can you say that? STEPH: Bum fights? HANNAH: Okay, that was a long time ago. God, you're so judgmental. STEPH: I know. I'm awful. What kind of mother would prohibit her daughter from dating a boy who's awaiting trial for manslaughter? HANNAH: Almost all patenting books eschew the use of sarcasm with adolescents so, you know. STEPH: Fine. Here it is, stripped of the sarcasm: He's a phony. He's ugly on the inside. All he wants from you is s*x and he's gonna break your heart. HANNAH: You're wrong. Now in the lounge, Logan can hear every word. HANNAH: [offscreen] You don't know Logan. Everybody's already decided that he's this bad guy, but...I know him. Back in the kitchen, Hannah holds her ground. HANNAH: They don't and you don't. Logan enters the kitchen. LOGAN: God bless Tracy McGrady. Logan sinks a fantasy basketball. Hannah turns to look at him as Steph glares. LOGAN: Life is good. Logan glances at each of them. He notices the bag of rubbish Steph is holding. LOGAN: That looks heavy. Why don't cha let me take it out for ya. Logan steps forward. Steph hesitates, then thrusts the bag at him. Logan takes it, glances at Hannah again and leaves the kitchen. INT - BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT. Music: "Oh My" by Mellowdrone. LYRICS: What may I ask is never enough It's never too sweet and never it's too much What's there to do while you're waiting in turn Just pick on your scabs and watch a cigarette burn No, no, no No, no, no No, no, no It's just that I act so stupid sometimes I forget all the rules of waiting in line Don't get me wrong 'cause I'm happy to be Anything but...still Oh my, what a wonderful day Oh my, what a wonderful day for me Oh my, what a wonderful day Oh my, what a wonderful day for... A ball hit the centre pin and a strike is achieved. Veronica walks along the back of the alleys, trying to look at the bowlers carefully. The photo is in her hand. She glances over to the counter and approaches the man in charge of the shoes. She hands him the photo. VERONICA: Excuse me, do you recognize this shirt? The man takes the photo, examines it and then points as he returns the picture to Veronica. ATTENDANT: Right over there. VERONICA: Thanks. Veronica heads in the indicated direction. VERONICA VOICEOVER: The One-Eyed Ducks, perennial champs, lane five. Veronica stops behind the alley where the One-Eyed Ducks are playing. She notes them each in turn. VERONICA VOICEOVER: That guy's too big. That guy's too small. That guy's... Staring at the back of a figure, Veronica pauses until the person turns around. VERONICA VOICEOVER: ...not a guy, just in desperate need of a stylist. Veronica concentrates on the man just about to bowl. VERONICA VOICEOVER: But that guy looks just right. He bowls and hits a strike. He raises his arms in the air then falls down onto his back, thrusting his arms and legs into the air. VINNIE: Yes! He scrambles up and points in triumph at his team members. Veronica smiles as she recognises Vinnie Vanlowe. VINNIE: What did I tell you? What did I tell you? On the other hand, Vinnie's enthusiasm evaporates when he notices her. He touches his forehead in a salute as he stares at her. End music: "Oh My" by Mellowdrone. Cut to a little later. Vinnie and Veronica are standing at the food/drink counter, where flamin' meat sticks go for $2.00, and Vinnie is served a beer. BARTENDER: Here you go. VINNIE: Sure you don't want one? It's dollar draft night. Veronica shakes her head as Vinnie pays for his beer. VINNIE: Come on, have a beer. We'll let you roll a frame. VERONICA: Vinnie, this is not Nam. This is bowling. There are rules. Vinnie pushes himself off the bar and heads back to the alley. Veronica follows. VERONICA: What can you tell me about-- VINNIE: Nothing. VERONICA: Of course, your Pavlovian response. Her name was Heidi Kuhne. VINNIE: Doesn't ring a bell. Vinnie stops to pick up a crisp and pops it in his mouth. VERONICA: Let me jog your memory: you were thrown out of the Happy Horseshoe the other night for stalking her. VINNIE: If I had a dime for every time I was thrown out of H squared for stalking... They pause. VERONICA: What was it? A little prenup background check? VINNIE: Well if you already know. VERONICA: She's missing. VINNIE: Are you suggesting I kidnapped her? 'Cause, I believe that's your racket. VERONICA: Do you know where she is? VINNIE: Negatory. VERONICA: Who hired you? The groom? His family? You fill them in on her party-girl past? VINNIE: Ah, that, Curious Georgette, is P.I.-client privilege. Now if you'll excuse me, my ducks need me. Quack quack. Veronica watches him go with an almost indulgent shake of her head. EXT - DENENBERG RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Logan leaves the house. Hannah follows him out and they walk slowly to the pavement. HANNAH: You heard what my mom said, didn't you? LOGAN: Yeah, I got the gist. HANNAH: Just ignore her. She's bitter about the divorce. She thinks all men are evil. LOGAN: Well, maybe she's right. HANNAH: What, about men? Logan halts and faces Hannah. LOGAN: No. About me. HANNAH: Let's get out of here, go to your place. Logan smiles. LOGAN: Well, I know the words coming out of your mouth are "go to your place," but all I hear is "Let's have s*x." HANNAH: So? Logan stares at her, dumbstruck. HANNAH: Logan? LOGAN: [strangled] That sounds good. Logan leans forward and kisses her. She kisses back. [SCENE_BREAK] INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - NIGHT. Keith is waiting. Lamb comes into the department and Keith leaps up. KEITH: Lamb, I've been trying to get a hold of you. LAMB: And I've been ducking your calls. Man, that feels good to get off my chest. Lamb gives Keith a patronising slap on his arm and strides away from him. Keith hurries to outpace him. KEITH: Hey, you think I like bringing any of this to you? Keith forces Lamb to a halt by stopping in front of him. KEITH: Just hear me out. Terrence has a guy who details his fleet of cars every month. He keeps his chamois in the same cabinet where the explosives were found. Now, why would he keep that damning evidence at all? That's the first question. And the second question: why would he keep them where they were sure to be found? LAMB: Valid questions. I'll be sure and ask him when he gets out of surgery. Lamb presses past Keith who turns to address Lamb's back. KEITH: Surgery? What happened? Lamb turns to face Keith again. LAMB: He got shot. KEITH: Who shot him? LAMB: You know the, uh, journalism teacher who died on the bus, Miss Dumass? Her father. He caught Terrence Cook breaking into the family home in San Francisco. Strange behavior for an innocent man, don't you think? Lamb raises his eyebrows before patting Keith again on his arm and disappearing into his office. Keith is left standing and perplexed. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Mr. Pope is in full flow in the FBLA lesson. POPE: If you read this morning's paper, then you probably already know that tracking polls indicate there's fifty-seven per cent support for Neptune's incorporation. Question: what's that gonna do to us here? BEAVER: Ah, an actual police department. POPE: Mm-hmm. DICK: Private beaches. VERONICA: The rich get richer. Logan takes a breath to quip. POPE: All right, let's stop there. All those are true, but let's not just focus on the potential upside. Sure we could speculate, but why do so when we already have a model we can study? Pope moves to the switch by the open door to turn off the lights. As he heads back into the room, his remote at the ready, Hannah passes in the hallway. She pauses and blows Logan a kiss. He catches it, gazes at his fingers and smiles to himself. Veronica stares at him, unimpressed. Logan feels her stare and turns to looks at her. VERONICA: [mockingly cutesy] Aww. Logan mimics the "Aww" in a whisper as Pope continues, the screen's opening slide headed "Palo Alto, California." POPE: Palo Alto, California. The next slide shows a drawing of an idyllic park. POPE: In the heart of Silicon Valley. He continues to click through the slides, graphics of each of the points he makes. POPE: Home to Stanford University, Hewlett-Packard, and the epicenter of the late nineties technology boom. As Pope wanders past, Logan, who has rolled his papers into a tight roll, makes as if ramming the roll up Pope's...uh... POPE: But before the whole dot-com craze began, Palo Alto was a diverse community, not unlike our Neptune. On the slide behind him are set out median prices for 1970 - Household Income: $35328, Single Family Home: $70,000, 1 acre plot: $7,000 - and some features of Palo Alto such as "Diverse Community" and "Shared Community Resources." POPE: When they incorporated, they effectively put up a wall between the economic classes. And what resulted after a very short time was an ultra-rich center surrounded by... Pope clicks the remote at the screen. Figures appear for 1990. There are a series of charts noting drugs rates, crime rate and median home prices, inside and outside the incorporation area. POPE: ...the crime capital of America. Those who were smart dumped their unincorporated property to suckers before the bottom fell out. Property values in the city skyrocketed while land outside the incorporation became worthless. With an increasingly furrowed brow as Pope talks, Beaver jerks his head up to look at the screen. POPE: Now, let's take a look at your progress in the stock market game. The 2005-6 FBLS Porfolio Race graph appears. Beaver is well ahead with $3248756.00. Next is Boyd L. on $2274129.20 and Veronica is not far behind him. Gia's name is next (on the basis the initial is a G) and she's just under $1624378.00. Three students, Chris M., Dale R. and Misha S., are between $1000000.00 and $500000.00. Logan is next, barely off at the first marker of $324875.60. Dick and Duncan are on zero. POPE: As you can see, the younger Mr. Casablancas has extended his lead. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a young man with true business acumen. Beaver smiles but looks worried. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Dick and Beaver tumble out of the classroom followed closely behind by Veronica whose cell is ringing. She answers. VERONICA: Hey, Dad. INT - MI - CONTINUING. The camera looks through the window into the office as Keith paces. KEITH: Your missing person is a little less missing. She used her cell phone twice this morning, both one-minute calls. VERONICA: [offscreen] Who'd she call? KEITH: Paul Mann. Know who that is? INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. Veronica is striding through the halls. VERONICA: Yeah, her fiancée. What if Heidi's still in town? What if she's just hiding from her family? She might pick up the phone if she doesn't recognize the caller I.D. KEITH: [offscreen] Cold feet, honey. It's always cold feet. Veronica ends the call with a shake of her head. She dials another number. Her face creases in puzzlement as she gets a fax tone. INT - HEIDI'S APARTMENT - DAY. Jane opens the door to Veronica. VERONICA: Hey, does Heidi have a fax? JANE: Yeah, somewhere. Mm. Jane shuts the door and thinks for a moment. She heads over to the desk and checks behind a carrier bag and then under a throw on a chair next to it. She uncovers a fax machine. JANE: Here it is. Why? VERONICA: When I called the apartment, the fax picked up, which means it's on the same line. JANE: Well it's been switched to fax since she's been gone. Does that matter? VERONICA: Remember the two calls she got? What if someone was trying to fax her? Veronica bends down to the machine and presses one of its buttons. VERONICA: She would have heard the fax tone on the first call and then switched over the machine so that the second time it went through. Now if this fax machine has storage capability... The machine whirrs and starts to print off a fax. JANE: Who'd be faxing her at three in the morning? VERONICA: That's what I'd like to know. The fax is a band flyer for XLR8's West Coast Tour 2006. The venues are: 2.13 Halfshell Pub, Leucadia, Ca.; 2.14 Avesta Bar, Los Angeles, Ca.; 2.16 Centre Mall, Bakersfield, Ca.; 2.17 Jumpstarter, Fresno, Ca.; 2.20 The Pulse, Hayward, Ca.; 2.21 Forgottener, San Francisco, Ca.; 2.22 Baker's Doce, Weed, Ca.; 2.23 Lone Pine Lodge, Klamath Falls, Or.; 2.24 Shiner Bar, Salem, Or. At the bottom, is the message to "Buy our new album. FootMeetsPedal." VERONICA: Some flyer from a band called "XLR8." JANE: Accelerate. That's Nick's band, Heidi's old boyfriend. VERONICA: The one whose name she had de-inked from her buttocks? Jane nods. Veronica reads a handwritten note on the flyer: "Babe - I need to see you - Nick." VERONICA VOICEOVER: Apparently, Nick needs to see Heidi. Music: "Sometimes the Sun" by the Lashes. LYRICS: It's been so long since I've seen your face except inside of my head Counting down the days 'til you're home hoping then we'll share a bed Sometimes we fight about the little things, but now they seem like such little things I woke up from so many dreams with visions of buying diamond rings Sometimes the sun goes down, sometimes it comes back up I'm wondering which one you are watching now EXT - SAN LUIS OBISPO - NIGHT. There's a queue for entrance into a small bar. Veronica walks along it, heading for the bouncer at the door. VERONICA VOICEOVER: According to Jane, it's been three years since Nick and Heidi were hot and heavy. You can laser a guy's name off your ass, but I wonder whether you can really ever cut him out of your heart. Veronica shows the flyer to the bouncer who grunts and points to a bus outside the car park. Veronica heads for it and knocks on the door of the bus. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I guess if I do find my runaway bride, we'll have the next twelve hours to discuss the matter while waiting for the next train home from San Luis Obispo. A guy with a beard opens the door. GUY: Yeah? VERONICA: You got a Heidi Kuhne in there? INT - XLR8 TOUR BUS - NIGHT. Veronica makes her way to the back of the bus then stops when she sees Heidi sitting at a small table with Nick. HEIDI: I know you. VERONICA: What the hell is going on, Heidi? End music: "Sometimes the Sun" by the Lashes. Cut to a few moments later. Veronica is seated at the table, opposite Heidi and Nick. HEIDI: [sceptically] My family hired you to track me down? VERONICA: Actually, Jane did. HEIDI: You're twelve. VERONICA: I'm eighteen. HEIDI: You're a barista. VERONICA: I'm a-- Veronica struggles with a slight show of temper. VERONICA: Fine, I'm a barista. Look, you know you're supposed to be getting married in twelve hours, right? Your sister has been really worried about you. She thought you had some bad pre-wedding jitters and then we found your car abandoned-- HEIDI: A-as in parked, like thirty feet from the bus station? Veronica takes the hit. VERONICA: It was dark and it was after we went to your apartment and saw two glasses of wine, one was broken. HEIDI: Which was why I poured the second glass. Maybe you should stick to making coffee. None of this matters anyway because the wedding is off. NICK: It is? VERONICA: [irritated] You might want to let someone know. HEIDI: Paul can announce it. He's the one who ran back to his old flame. VERONICA: And you parked your car and took a bus to yours. HEIDI: I came to see Nick because his mom is in bad shape and he needed me. I called Paul to tell him where I was but he didn't return my calls. Then I get these text messages from my friend, Kim, telling me she saw him leaving his ex's place at dawn. VERONICA: And Paul's supposed to be totally cool with you going on the road with Nick? HEIDI: Yeah. Now it's Veronica's turn to be sceptical. HEIDI: He sent me the fax. I just came up here to be a friend. Nick looks uncomfortable. VERONICA: Nick, how did you manage to send a fax from an unlisted phone number when the phone company says that number never existed. NICK: Yeah... He turns to Heidi. NICK: I didn't send that fax. HEIDI: You said-- NICK: You said you got my fax. I just didn't correct you. HEIDI: It was hand-written. NICK: I was just so stoked to see you. As they talk, Veronica has a revelation. VERONICA: Nick didn't send the fax and Kim didn't text-message you. She lost her phone the night of the bachelorette party. HEIDI: Well then who? VERONICA: A private detective named Vinnie Vanlowe. HEIDI: But, why? Veronica thinks. EXT - MANN RESIDENCE, GARDEN - DAY. A reverend and Paul Mann stand under a small gazebo. In front of it stand six people dressed in wedding finery, one of them being Jane. The guests start muttering in an embarrassed fashion. The reverend looks at his watch. REVEREND: I, uh, have another wedding at four. If no one's seen your bride... PAUL: Don't worry. She's just a free spirit, marching to her own drum. Behind him, running along a hedge, is Heidi in her wedding dress, with Veronica trotting behind her, holding her train. HEIDI: Coming! Coming! Jane grins as Heidi runs up the small steps to join the wedding party. Paul, on the other hand, appears to be quite miffed as Heidi joins him under the gazebo, as do Paul's parents, one of the watching older couples. Veronica stays back by the steps to observe. HEIDI: Sorry I'm late! Let's get married. PAUL: Where have you been? HEIDI: Oh, we have a whole lifetime for stories. Let's do this thing. Lay it on me, Preacher Man. Heidi does a "bring it on" gesture to the reverend. PAUL: No, I-I demand to know what you've been up to. HEIDI: I didn't ask you what you were doing for your bachelor party. And after finding whipped cream in your underwear, I think I was entitled. PAUL: You were entitled, you. The one who sexed up every wannabe rock star in southern California? You know, if I wanted to marry Tawny Kitaen, I would have got a nipple pierced. HEIDI: How could you say that to me? Like I would ever s*x up a drummer. Veronica laughs. HEIDI: Lead singers, yes, maybe the occasional guitar player. The important thing is that we love each other. PAUL: How can you expect me to love a used-up groupie like you? HEIDI: Wow. Ouch, honey, kind of harsh. Are you breaking it off? PAUL: Damn right, I am-- Paul's father interjects. MANN: Paul! No! Heidi casts him a knowing glance. HEIDI: Fair enough. Heidi turns back to Paul. She holds up the ring. HEIDI: So, I guess I'll be keeping this precious family heirloom, 'cause those are the rules in polite society, aren't they? I mean, if-if I backed out or didn't show up, I'd have to give you the ring back, right? Paul glances at his parents, aware of his mistake. HEIDI: You know the funny thing? You could've just said it's over and I would've given you the ring back. This'll be payment for the two years I wasted trying to convince you I was worthy. Heidi turns to the guests and throws up her arms. HEIDI: Enjoy the reception! VERONICA VOICEOVER: By the looks of it, I'd guess the elder Mr. Mann commissioned the background check, but it was his son that couldn't live with the information. HEIDI: Come on, Jane. Jane, grinning ear to ear, takes Heidi's arm and they march away. HEIDI: [loudly] Are pawn shops open on Saturdays? As they pass Veronica, Heidi gives her a wink. Veronica laughs and then turns to watch them go. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE. Kendall, in a low-cut, clingy dress, is making a presentation to Logan, who is lounging on the sofa. KENDALL: And that is why the Phoenix Land Trust is where you should put your money. LOGAN: I'm confused. You're talking and your clothes are on. I'm starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate. KENDALL: I told you. It's my job. There's a knock on the door. LOGAN: And that must be the second sign of the apocalypse. Logan gets up to answer the door. KENDALL: Well, I tried. Uh, do you mind if I freshen up before I go? LOGAN: Freshen up for what? Kendall spins around and heads for Duncan's room. Logan opens the door of the suite. It's Tom Griffith. GRIFFITH: All right, Logan, you win. I'm serious. This stops now. Griffith walks past Logan and into the suite. Logan continues to look out into the hallway. LOGAN: Sure, come on in. He shuts the door. In Logan's room, pictures of Duncan with Veronica and with Lilly stand on the counter between the bedroom and bathroom. Kendall, glancing back at the lounge area, walks into the bathroom. She takes a small case out of her purse as she opens the shower door. She takes out a small pair of tweezers from the case and applies them to the shower drain. Cut to a moment later. Kendall walks out of Duncan's room. Logan and Griffith are glaring at each other. They turn look at her as she walks towards them. KENDALL: I see you have company. Griffith can't quite believe it. KENDALL: I'll let myself out but, um... Kendall kisses two of her fingers and places them on Logan's lips. KENDALL: ...think about my offer. Logan grins. Kendall walks between them and exits the suite, pausing at the door to give the men the full benefit of her side profile. Logan turns back to Griffith, smirking. GRIFFITH: Mark my words, some day that smirk is gonna get wiped off your face. LOGAN: Oh, please. Let the lying coke-head plastic surgeon lecture me on karma. GRIFFITH: It certainly caught up with me. It ends now. I'll make my testimony go away. LOGAN: What about the Fitzpatricks? GRIFFITH: Let me worry about them. You just stay the hell away from my daughter. Logan stares at him. GRIFFITH: I assume we have a deal? Logan barely nods. Griffiths storms out of the suite. Logan stands in place, not celebrating his victory. INT - JAVA THE HUT - NIGHT. Veronica is working. She wipes the top of the chilled cabinet, rounding the corner to the front, only to find Vinnie Vanlowe bending down, peering in at the cakes. He stands. VINNIE: I don't believe this. VERONICA: If it isn't the puppet master. VINNIE: Hey, what a man does in the privacy of his own home, office, and/or car, is his business. You know, you cost me a five grand bonus. Veronica gasps. VERONICA: You were gonna buy a new jacket? VINNIE: And give up the cheap women? Not likely. VERONICA: Give it. Veronica holds out her hand. VINNIE: What? VERONICA: Kim's cell phone. I called you, left a threatening message. Much to Veronica's impatience, Vinnie glances around before taking a cell phone from his pocket and handing it to her. VINNIE: You didn't get it from me. VERONICA: Exactly how many times have you had to say that in your life? Vinnie opens his mouth to answer then closes it again. VERONICA: You know what's really disturbing about you? Other than everything? You're a halfway decent private investigator. VINNIE: Stop, you're embarrassing me. VERONICA: You can embarrass the shameless? Veronica drops her cloth on the cabinet and walks past Vinnie. She goes to one of the tables, where Wallace and Jane are having their drinks. VERONICA: This is for your sister's friend, Kim. Veronica puts the phone on the table. JANE: Thank you, Veronica. Jane reaches into her bag and pulls out her own phone, handing it to Veronica. JANE: Check it out. There is a picture of Heidi and Nick hugging. JANE: Heidi headed up to the L.A. Jewelry Exchange, hocked the ring, and kept right on going to Nick's next show. WALLACE: So how does it feel to play Cupid? Veronica thinks for a moment. VERONICA: Uncomfortable. This better last. Veronica hands Jane her phone back. JANE: Guess you never know where true love's gonna find you. VERONICA: If it comes looking for me, I'll be over by the espresso machine. Veronica heads back to the counter. Logan arrives just as she gets there. LOGAN: Hey. Uh, I know you're busy, but uh, I think I've done something horrible. Veronica stares up at him worriedly. End.

Plan: A: Veronica; Q: Who must find a missing bride-to-be? A: her bachelorette party; Q: What event did the bride-to-be disappear after? A: Dr. Griffith; Q: Who agrees to drop his testimony after Logan stops seeing Hannah? A: Sheriff Lamb; Q: Who issues a warrant for Terrance's arrest? A: eight counts; Q: How many counts of murder is Terrance charged with? A: Kendall; Q: Who visits Aaron in prison? A: Phoenix Land Trust; Q: What does Kendall ask Aaron to invest in? A: her money; Q: What does Aaron agree to give Kendall? A: Duncan's hair; Q: What does Aaron want Kendall to retrieve? Summary: Veronica must find a missing bride-to-be who disappeared after her bachelorette party. Dr. Griffith agrees to drop his testimony after Logan stops seeing Hannah. Sheriff Lamb issues a warrant for Terrance's arrest, charging him with eight counts of murder. Kendall visits Aaron in prison, and she asks him to invest in Phoenix Land Trust. Aaron agrees to give her money if she can retrieve some of Duncan's hair.

[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Leo carries Phoebe in.] Leo: Put him in the playpen. I don't want him seeing this. (Paige walks in, holding Wyatt.) Paige: But Phoebe Leo: Just do it! (He puts Phoebe on the couch. Paige puts Wyatt in the playpen.) Paige: Okay, there you go. There you go. (Leo starts to heal Phoebe.) Leo: Don't let him out of your sight. Paige: What's wrong? What's taking so long? Leo: I don't know. Paige: Damn it, Leo, you should have just healed her outside. Leo: Right, and risk you getting shot, too? I don't think so. (Chris comes downstairs.) Chris: Okay, so I just sent our evil twins through the portal, although (He sees Leo healing Phoebe.) What happened? (Phoebe wakes up and gasps.) Paige: Thank god. (She goes to Phoebe.) Leo: Stay with Wyatt. Chris: I got him. (Phoebe slowly sits up.) Paige: You okay? Phoebe: Yeah. Just remind me to never park on Mrs. Noble's driveway again. Chris: Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on here? Paige: The neighborhood patrol shot her point blank and nobody so much as blinked an eye. Chris: What? Why? Leo: Because by getting us all to the evil world, Gideon screwed up the balance, messed up with the grand design. Paige: Well, if you ask me, the grand design is pretty messed up in the first place. Phoebe: Wait, so are you saying because of what he did, our world is bad now, too? Leo: No, on the contrary. It's good. Too good. Where every little infraction is a capital offense and everyone just accepts it. Paige: Oh, so we're starring in a little movie called "Pleasantville"? Chris: Okay, how come we weren't affected? Leo: Because we must have been crossing over when the shift occurred. Paige: Well, that must mean Gideon's not affected, either. Leo: No, he wouldn't be because he's an Elder. Chris: How do we know he's not using the situation to his advantage, you know, come after Wyatt again? Leo: Because I'm going to find him first. Phoebe: No, you can't hurt him, Leo, not until he shifts the balance back, and you know he knows how to do that. (Pause) Paige: Oh, my god. We totally forgot about Piper. We have to get to the hospital. Leo: Who's going to watch Wyatt? Chris: I will. Look, I didn't come all the way from the future just to lose him now, all right? (Leo nods. He orbs out. Phoebe stands up.) Phoebe: I think we should drive. I don't want to risk orbing. Chris: Hey, just watch your speed, okay? (Paige and Phoebe leave.) [Scene: Underworld. Barbas's lair. Barbas appears, fire on his sleeve.] Barbas: Oh, give me a break! (He blows the fire out and whacks on his sleeve.) Gideon's Voice: You're lucky. It could have been worse. Barbas: Well, well, well, well, well, well. The new Peeping Elder. How the mighty have fallen, so to speak. Show yourself. Gideon's Voice: Only if you agree to a truce. I promise, it is in your best interests. Barbas: Why not? This particular day couldn't get much worse. (Gideon appears.) Gideon: Actually, it could. You could die. The world has changed, my friend, as you've obviously just witnessed. Barbas: If you're referring to the witches constantly hunting me, that wouldn't happen to be some of your doing, now would it, friend? Gideon: Not by intent, but it's why I'm here. If I'm to shift things back to the way things were, to give evil a fighting chance again, then you and I must work together. Barbas: Now why would you want to give me a fighting chance? Gideon: To restore the balance, the grand design, as I am honor-bound to do. Barbas: Just out of curiosity, how is it this, uh, imbalance happened to occur? Come on. You can say it. I know you can. "I made my move on the boy, and I screwed up." Gideon: I took a calculated risk. Barbas: You screwed up. Now you want to hide out down here with me, and just hope that the boy's aunties don't know how to find you. Isn't that about right, friend? Gideon: Believe me, you don't want this child growing up any more than I do, Barbas. His power is too great. He is an enormous threat to both of us. (Barbas reads his fear.) Barbas: I see. Gideon: Any shift between good and evil is supposed to happen naturally over time. By intervening, I've allowed too much good to corrupt the other world, and the only way to get it back is for a Great Evil to corrupt ours. Barbas: Oh, and you just naturally thought of me? I'm very flattered. Gideon: I have to complete what I started, for everyone's sake. Help me distract the sisters and I will help you get your world back. [Scene: Golden Gate Bridge. Leo is trying to sense Gideon.] Elder: You won't find Gideon that way. (Leo turns around and an Elder orbs down.) We've already tried. Leo: What are you doing here? Elder: I am here to remind you of your responsibilities. Leo: My responsibilities right now are to protect my son. Elder: How, by taking revenge on one of our own? Leo: Gideon stopped being one of us when he went after Wyatt. Elder: Oh, that's not for you to decide. You're but one voice in a chorus, Leo. We can't allow you to take matters into your own hands. Leo: Gideon did. Elder: Yes, and look what he's wrought. The world is spiraling out of control. Innocents are being hurt, killed, all because one Elder acted alone. Leo: I know what I'm doing. Elder: Oh, Gideon thought he knew what he was doing, too. Truth be known, he was not alone in his thinking. There are others who share his fears of Wyatt, that your union with a Charmed One might've created too great a concentration of power. Leo: Wait, so you're on his side? Elder: No, of course not. What Gideon's done is inexcusable. Leo: Then let me handle him. Elder: Please, Leo, your emotions are clouding your better judgment. The fate of the world is more important than any one child. Leo: Not more important than my son. Elder: They're all your sons, your daughters. They're who you should be protecting. That's the greater good. Come help us find a way to restore what was while we still can. Leo: I can't. Not until I stop Gideon. (He orbs out.) [Scene: Hospital. There are a lot of people with missing body parts wrapped in white bandages are there. Paige and Phoebe walk in.] Paige: Wow, it's, uh just as creepy in here as it is out there. Phoebe: Actually, creepier. (They walk over to the reception desk.) Nurse: Ah, welcome to San Francisco Memorial. How can I help, help, help you? Paige: Well, you could take it down a notch. (Phoebe smiles.) Phoebe: Ohh, she's kidding. (She giggles.) She's a kidder. Uh, just out of curiosity, what happened here? Was it a freeway accident? Nurse: Oh, heavens, no! It's always like this around here. (Whispers) Lawbreakers, you know. Phoebe: Right. Nurse: You visiting? Phoebe: Uh, yes. Piper Halliwell? (She types on the computer.) Nurse: Halliwell, Halliwell uh, what was her offense? Phoebe: Oh, no, no offense. She's having a baby. Nurse: Ohh, a baby! Ohh, why didn't you say so?! Paige: Cause we were just too excited. Nurse: Oh, of course you are! There's nothing more exciting than a baby! (She looks at the computer.) Uh, room 1402, but don't dawdle. Visiting hours are almost over. You have a wonderful day, now, okay? Paige: Day? (She looks at Phoebe's watch.) It's almost eight o'clock. It should be dark now. Nurse: Dark? Why on earth would anyone say such a depressing thing? Imagine the sun going away, not having sunshine all the time! Anyone who'd want that should be, well-well, shot! (Other people look over there, along with a Police Officer. Phoebe turns around, laughing and heads toward the elevators.) Phoebe: She's joking! That's my sister the jokester! (Paige pushes the button.) We're going to go see our other sister now. She's having a baby. Yeah. Okay. Have a good day everyone. (They go in and the elevator doors close.) [Cut to Piper's hospital room. There's balloons in it. Piper's eating out of a JELL-O cup. Phoebe and Paige look in.] Piper: Oh, there you guys are. Where have you been? Paige: She seems normal. Piper: Come on, come in, come in. Phoebe: Piper, are you okay? Piper: Of course I'm okay. I'm having a baby, for crying out loud. (She holds out the JELL-O cup and smiles.) Jell-O? It's really yummy. Paige: No, thanks. (The Orderly walks in.) Orderly: Excuse me. How'd you like your dinner? Piper: Are you kidding? The frozen peas and processed turkey? It was to die for. (The Orderly goes to remove the tray.) Oh, here, let me give you a hand. (She notices his right hand's missing. They laugh.) Phoebe: Piper, that's not funny. Orderly: Oh, that's okay. It's my fault it even happened. Paige: Why is it your fault? Orderly: Oh, I used my cell phone in the hospital. Talk about your big no-nos. Hey, good luck with the little one. Piper: Thanks. (The Orderly leaves.) He really should've known better. Phoebe: Piper, snap out of it! This is crazy-making! Piper: What is? Phoebe: This, everything! You, the hand, the whole damn world! It's driving me insane! Piper: Phoebe, you really should not swear. They will cut your tongue out. Phoebe: Ohh! This is ridiculous. Paige: Okay, Piper, you have to listen to me. Wyatt is in danger. Piper: What do you mean? What kind of danger? Paige: It's Gideon. He's trying to kill him. (Piper laughs.) It's not funny! I'm being serious. Piper: That's ridiculous! He's an Elder. He couldn't hurt a fly. (Piper laughs. Doctor walks in the room.) Doctor: What's so funny? Piper: Oh, don't ask. (She feels a contraction and gasps in pain.) Doctor: Whoopsy! That's not good. Phoebe: What's not good? What's going on? Piper: Those darn contractions. They're a lot more painful than they should be. Paige: What does that mean? Doctor: It means visiting hours are over. Buh-bye now. Phoebe: No, we're not leaving her. Doctor: Oh, I'm sorry, but rules are rules. Did you want to keep your legs? Phoebe: We'll call you. (She and Paige leave.) Piper: Okey-dokey. (She has a contraction.) Ouchy! [Scene: Hospital. Paige and Phoebe walk down the hall.] Paige: Are you sure we should leave? I'm worried about her. Phoebe: We have to. We can't wait for Leo. We have to fix this. This isn't the world we want Chris to be born into. Paige: Okay, but how? Okay? Especially now that we're down a sister. Phoebe: Maybe we should have another little talk with ourselves. (They leave. An Orderly turns around after overhearing them. It's Barbas. He goes to the end of the cabinet.) Barbas: You were right. Piper's the only one of the sisters affected. Gideon's Voice: And therefore the only one that can affect her sisters. (He appears.) She can cast a spell on them, make them think as she does so that they won't be concerned about me either. Barbas: And your theory is that I'm going to make her do this. How, exactly? Gideon: By doing what you do best, tapping into her fear of losing her sisters. Barbas: I don't know. She's out in cloud cuckoo-land someplace. She's in a place where she doesn't even fear her own affliction. What makes you think she's going to fear losing a sister? Gideon: Family means everything to Piper, in any world. The sooner you hit that nerve, the sooner we both get what we want. (Gideon disappears. Barbas peeks in Piper's room and sees the doctor and Piper.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Chris is scrying. Leo walks in with Wyatt.] Leo: Anything? Chris: Yeah, I thought I had him for a sec, but then I lost him. Leo: Well, keep looking. Gideon's bound to surface again. (He puts Wyatt in his playpen.) Chris: Well, maybe you should ask the other Elders for some help. Leo: No. (Chris stops scrying.) Chris: Huh. Trouble in paradise? Leo: Let's just say we're not seeing eye to eye. Chris: Well, then maybe you should I don't know, quit. Look, the girls are going to need another Whitelighter the moment I'm gone anyway. Leo: That's not why you want me to quit, Chris. Chris: Okay, fine, I admit, I would like to go back to a future where my parents are still together, all right? Leo: It's just like I said when I was making the potion the potion Chris: What about the potion? Leo: Well, Gideon didn't want it to work, right? But he did want us in this other world, which means it probably does work, which means we can get you home. (Chris shakes his head.) Chris: No. I'm not going back. Leo: Chris, you have to. Chris: Not until I finish what I came here to do, and that's to save Wyatt from tur turning evil. Leo: What? Chris: Well, what I don't understand is, if Gideon always viewed Wyatt as a threat, why did he turn him evil in my future? Leo: I don't think he did intentionally. I think Gideon tried to kill Wyatt in your future only just like in this time, he found out that Wyatt can protect himself. So, he probably had to get him away so he could figure out how to do it. Chris: You mean kidnap him. Leo: Imagine being taken away from us for weeks, maybe even months. (Chris leans forward and puts his head down.) Constantly fending off Gideon's attack. (They both look over at Wyatt.) Chris: I had no idea. Leo: We're going to change that future, Chris for both of your sakes. (Chris smiles.) [Scene: Magic School. Gideon's study. Phoebe and Paige walk in. They begin looking around the room. As they talk, their voices echo.] Phoebe: The Power of Four has worked before. Paige: Yep, but that was when we were in the same world. We can't even contact them now. (Phoebe picks up the telephone, puts it to her ear.) Phoebe: There must've been a way that Gideon contacted his evil counterpart. (She hangs up the phone and picks up a paper weight.) Hey, do you hear an echo? (She puts the paperweight down. She sees a fallen chess piece. She goes over to the mirror and pulls back the curtain, seeing Evil Phoebe doing the same thing. They smile.) Phoebes: I knew it! (Both Paiges walk to the mirror.) Paiges: Nice to see you. Phoebe: So, is your world as messed up as ours? Evil Phoebe: I've never seen everybody so miserable. It's like, every little good thing that happens Paige: Gets punished. Evil Paige: Limbs get cut off for saying gesundheit. Evil Phoebe: I never thought I'd say this, but I would kill for some daylight right now. Phoebe: Oh, we got plenty of it in our world. Paiges: It sucks. Evil Phoebe: So what do you think happened? Phoebe: I think we did too much good together when we were trying to get Gideon in your world. Evil Phoebe: My thoughts exactly. Evil Paige: Maybe we need to do some serious evil on your side to shift the balance back. Paige: Right. Evil Paige: The problem is, I don't know if our collective powers will work with us in different worlds. Evil Phoebe: Well, we better think of something fast, because Gideon's still after Wyatt in both of them. Paiges: The Power of Three. Phoebes: What? Paige: If we can cast a spell on our respective Pipers Evil Paige: We're back to full power again. Evil Phoebe: And bring us to your side so we could shift the balance back Phoebe: And then kick some ass. Phoebes/Paiges: I like it! [Scene: Piper's hospital room. Doctor looks over Piper's ultrasound charts. He puts a hand on Piper's stomach.] Doctor: Does it hurt when I touch here? Piper: Yeow! Boy, that smarts. Doctor: Huh. Well, we might be looking at a c-section here, Piper. Might be the only way to get the baby out safely. Piper: Safely? (Doctor smiles.) Doctor: Oh, let's get another ultrasound, shall we? I'll be right back. (Doctor leaves. Piper takes a deep breath and puts both hands on her stomach. Barbas flashes next to Piper, invisible.) Barbas: Ooh, it would be so sad if your sisters weren't here to help you through all this. You heard what they said about Gideon. Imagine saying such ugly lies about such a nice person. (He takes a step back. Phoebe and Paige enter.) Phoebe: Gideon is trying to kill Wyatt. We have to stop him. Piper: No, no, no, no, no. Stop it. He's an Elder. Paige: No, Piper, he's evil. Piper: No, he's not. Now, shush, before someone hears you. (Three Elders orb in.) No, no, no. Don't hurt them. (She hakes her head.) They didn't mean it. (They shoot fire at Phoebe and Paige, burning them up. Piper gasps. The Elders disappear.) Barbas: You have to help them conform. Save them from themselves before it's too late and you lose them forever. (He disappears. Piper picks up a journal and a pen. She begins to write.) Piper: Call now the powers blessed be, to make my sisters happ-happy. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Chris is scrying. Leo paces the floor. Paige and Phoebe orb in.] Leo: What are you doing here? Is Piper okay? (Paige and Phoebe go to the Book of Shadows.) Phoebe: No, but she will be, thanks to us and our evil twins. Chris: Wait, you saw them? Where? (Phoebe opens the book.) Paige: In Gideon's office. Talk about your vanity mirrors. Phoebe: We have a plan. Paige: Yeah, we're going to shift the world back from Gideon so he can't use it to his advantage. Leo: How? Phoebe: We're going to use a spell to (They glow. Phoebe giggles. Paige smiles.) Chris: What just happened? Leo: I don't know. (To Phoebe and Paige) Are you guys all right? Paige: Yeah. Yeah. I've never felt better. (Phoebe nods.) Chris: Okay, so back to the plan. You were saying? Phoebe: Yeah, the plan was just to go see Piper in the hospital. Paige: That's a really good plan. (Phoebe giggles.) Phoebe: I know. (Paige and Phoebe leave.) Chris: Uh-oh. [Scene: Outside Halliwell Manor. A sky-writing plane draws a happy face above the Halliwell Manor.] [Scene: Manor. Attic stairs. Phoebe and Paige walk down. Leo, carrying Wyatt, and Chris follow.] Phoebe: No time to dawdle. There's a baby on the way. Leo: This is crazy. You can't leave like this. (They begin to walk to walk toward the first floor.) Paige: Well, we can't very well ignore Chris' birth. We have to celebrate. Chris: I'm the baby. I give you permission not to. Paige: What? And miss all the excitement? (They go down the stairs.) Seeing you for the first time, burping you, picking out a name? Chris: I already have a name. Paige: Oh, gosh. You do, don't you? (She gasps.) Well, now would be the perfect time to change. (Leo walks past them and puts Wyatt in the playpen.) Phoebe: How did you get your name? It doesn't start with a "P." Chris: It was Leo's father's name. Paige/Phoebe: Aww Phoebe: That is so sweet. Paige: I can't wait to tell Piper. (She gasps.) I'm going to get her bag. Phoebe: It's in the kitchen, all ready to go. (Paige leaves the room.) Oh! You are going to be so cute! (Baby talk) Yes, you are. Ooh! Yes, you are. Doo-doo, doo doo-doo doo. (She walks away from Chris.) Chris: Okay. We need to snap them out of this fast. Leo: Piper must have cast a spell. She's the only one who could do this to them. Chris: Why would she do that? Leo: She wouldn't unless Gideon wanted her to, to distract them like he did before, so he can go after Wyatt. (Paige and Phoebe come up with Piper's bag.) Paige: (Singsong) All set! (Phoebe holds the car keys.) Phoebe: Let's go. Leo: Wait. You guys can't leave yet. Gideon might be coming for Wyatt any minute. Paige: Oh, is he baby-sitting? Chris: No, he's trying to kill Wyatt. Don't tell me you don't remember. (Phoebe and Paige laugh.) You're laughing. That's great. Your nephew's almost killed, and you're laughing. Phoebe: You're silly. (Baby talk) Yes, you are. Ooh, yes, you are. Paige: Like an Elder would ever, ever do that. Leo: It must be the spell. They don't remember because Gideon doesn't want them to. Phoebe: A spell? What spell? (The doorbell rings.) Paige: Visitors. (Paige and Phoebe head to the door.) Chris: Hey, stay with Wyatt. (Chris follows. He steps in front of them.) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. Stop, stop, stop, okay? You cannot open that front door. What happens if it's the patrolman? Phoebe: That's a good point. I forgot to move my car. Chris: Finally. Phoebe: Well, I'll just have to take whatever's coming to me. (Paige nods. Phoebe steps past Chris.) Chris: What? (Phoebe opens the door. It's Darryl. He's smiling.) Darryl: Hi, ladies. Chris. Phoebe: Hi. (She shuts the door.) Paige: We thought you were the patrol guy come to shoot Phoebe. Darryl: Sorry. Actually I'm here to get Chris. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take him into custody for assaulting me. Chris: Dude, I didn't assault you. Paige: No, but Evil Chris did. Chris: That wasn't me. Phoebe: You're still a fugitive anyways. Chris: Okay, you're not helping, thanks. Darryl: You know, I'm only giving you this chance because we used to be friends. Phoebe: That is so sweet, Darryl. Paige: And, evil double or no, someone has to do the time. (She gasps.) Take him away, Darryl. (Paige grins. Phoebe and Paige leave the house.) Chris: So, what? You're just going to leave? Darryl: Listen, young man, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Your choice. Chris: I don't have time for this. (He telekinetically throws Darryl out the door.) Have a nice day. (He telekinetically closes the door, then walks over to Leo.) Leo: I was thinkin' if Gideon did get to Piper, maybe he left a trail I could follow. (Chris nods.) Chris: Hurry. (Leo leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Barbas's lair. Gideon paces around.] Gideon: If I know Leo, then right around now, he'll be figuring out that I made Piper cast the spell. Barbas: A little correction: I made her cast the spell, remember? Gideon: The point being, he'll go to Piper next to see if he can't find any magical clues to find me. Barbas: Find me, you mean. Gideon: Actually, yes. But then again, that's what we want. Barbas: Oh, really? Gideon: With the sisters sufficiently distracted, Leo is the last powerful being in my way, one who you should easily be able to distract, whilst I make my move on Wyatt. Barbas: Well, now, this all is starting to sound very interesting, but, uh, you know, it seems to me like I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting here. Have you noticed that? Gideon: Barbas! Barbas: While you-you're hiding out down here, relaxing in my lair, all safe and sound. What could possibly be wrong with that picture? Gideon: Leo is the last impediment, I promise. Paralyze him with his greatest fear. Keep him occupied, and we'll be one step closer to returning the world to a place where evil at least has a chance again. (Barbas chuckles.) Barbas: Oh you're such a tease. Okay, but Gideon, just so you know, I'm starting to lose my patience. Gideon: I understand. Barbas: Oh, good. Okay, now have you any ideas on what a particular Elder's greatest fear might be? Gideon: Don't think of him as an Elder. Think of him as a father. (Barbas smiles.) [Scene: Hospital. Leo orbs into a closet door, then walks out. He stops a woman nearby.] Leo: Excuse me? Uh, do you know where the maternity ward is? (The woman smiles.) Woman: Are you kidding? That's everyone's favorite hangout. Just go in that elevator and (Leo sees Paige walk in with a large stuffed animal and some balloons.) Leo: Thanks. Woman: You're welcome. (Leo goes over to Paige.) Leo: Paige. Paige: Leo! Well, it's about time the nervous father made an appearance. Leo: Where's Phoebe? Is she with Piper? Paige: Of course. We would never leave Piper alone at a time like this. Leo: Good, because I want to ask her if she's seen Gideon. Paige: Gideon? No, silly, not with the complication. Leo: Complication? (Paige gasps.) Paige: Oh, dear. You don't know? Leo: Know what? Is something wrong? Paige: Well, I'm sure the doctors are going to find out any minute, and everything is going to be just peachy. Leo: I gotta go see her. (Leo turns to leave, but Paige stops him.) Paige: No! That's against the hospital rules. Leo: Screw the rules. (Leo walks away.) Paige: Okay. (Singsong) but you're going to get in trouble. [Scene: Hospital Hallway. Leo walks down. He looks over and sees Wyatt standing there.] Leo: Wyatt? (Barbas, invisible, appears next to him.) Barbas: Watch as the thing you fear most comes to life and the future is lost. (He disappears. Wyatt grows into his adult form.) Leo: Wyatt? (Wyatt walks toward him.) Wyatt: What's the matter, dad? Don't you recognize me? I'm the Wyatt you're trying to save, the one from Chris' future. (He throws Leo hard into the wall. Barbas, invisible, appears as Leo stands up.) Barbas: You fear that there is no way to save him, that he is lost to evil. Wyatt: Excalibur! (The sword orbs into his hands.) Barbas: And it's your failure as a father. Leo: This isn't right. You're good. I'm here to save you. Wyatt: I don't think so. (He stabs him. Leo gasps in pain and falls to the ground.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Wyatt's in his playpen. Chris is looking through the Book. He hears a floorboard creak. He looks up.] Chris: Hello? (Nobody's there. He looks back at the Book. There's another creak, like someone's walking. Chris goes over to the playpen and looks around the attic. He hears the walking.) Okay, it's time to get you outta here. (Chris is suddenly magically thrown across the attic. He falls on a wooden table. Gideon appears in front of Wyatt. He looks at Chris.) Gideon: Don't make me sacrifice you both. (As Gideon turns to pick up Wyatt, Chris telekinetically throws Gideon. Gideon makes an athame appear and vanishes from sight. Chris rushes toward Wyatt. Suddenly, Gideon appears next to Chris and stabs him in the stomach. Chris falls to his knees, groaning in pain. Gideon pulls the athame out.) Chris: Dad! (Chris falls to the floor. Gideon stands up.) [Scene: Hospital. Leo falls to the ground. Wyatt walks away and disappears.] Chris's Voice: (Echo-y) Dad! (Leo looks up.) Leo: Chris! (Barbas, invisible, appears next to him.) Barbas: In trying to save one son, you have lost both sons. Very, very sad. (He disappears.) Leo: No-o-o-o-o! (He orbs out.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Leo orbs to Chris.] Leo: Oh, god. (He turns Chris onto his back. Chris groans.) Chris: Uhh Wyatt. Uhh! Wyatt. (Leo looks over to see Gideon holding Wyatt.) Gideon: It's for the best, Leo. (Gideon orbs out with Wyatt. Chris groans in pain.) Leo: Chris? Chris? [Scene: Barbas's lair. He is waiting. Gideon orbs in with Wyatt.] Barbas: Well, finally. (Gideon puts Wyatt down.) Now what are you doing? Would you come on? Let's get this thing over with. (Gideon backs away slowly.) Gideon: Not so fast. (He puts the athame on the counter.) This will take some thinking, and I prefer not to get stabbed again if I can avoid it. Barbas: How cute: The great big Elder's afraid of the teeny-weeny itsy-bitsy baby. Gideon: Oh, he's much more than that, trust me. Cocky, too. Notice, his shield's not even up? (Barbas heads over to the counter.) Barbas: His shield is not up because you've pierced it already. Fools and idiots. (He picks up the athame.) Why is it, that every time you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself? (Barbas goes to stab Wyatt, but he orbs out.) Gideon: No! (Barbas falls on the floor. Gideon pulls him up.) Barbas: Slippery little devil, isn't he? Gideon: Now look what you've done! Barbas: Well, you didn't tell me that he could orb. Gideon: I didn't know he could. That's why I wanted to be careful. Although I doubt he's able to orb out of the underworld. Even he's not that powerful yet! (Gideon releases him.) Barbas: Well, I suppose all of this means that you've lost your interest in fixing the world at this moment. Gideon: And allow the Charmed Ones the chance to rescue him? No! The world stays exactly as it is until Wyatt is eliminated. You and I will have to work together to find him, quickly! Barbas: Or, perhaps, we could work together in order to eliminate him, seeing as how much trouble you're having by yourself. Gideon: Interesting. It could work, especially if you bless the athame, too. But to try, we need to get him back! Barbas: Well, then, you track him with his orbs. I'm going to, uh (He licks his finger and holds it up in the air. He takes a deep breath, sniffing the air.) Track him with his fears. (Barbas flames out.) [Scene: Manor. Piper's bedroom. Chris falls on the bed, weak and in pain. Leo kneels down beside him, trying to heal him.] Chris: You have to find Wyatt. Leo: We're going to find him together. Chris: It won't work. You've already tried. Gideon's magic did this to me. He's the only one who can stop it. (He pushes Leo's hands away.) Just go. Saving Wyatt saves the future. You know that. Leo: Gideon doesn't know how to kill Wyatt, remember? We still have time. Chris: Only until the trauma turns him. Leo: I am not going to choose between you and Wyatt, Chris. I can't. Chris: You don't have to, dad. Find Gideon and you save us both. Leo: All right. All right, but I'm not leaving you alone. I'll be right back. Chris: Where are you going? Leo: To get one of your aunts to watch over you. (Chris breathes heavily.) You're going to be fine. Okay? I promise. (Leo leans over and kisses his forehead. He then orbs out.) [Scene: Hospital. Waiting room. Phoebe raises a camera. Paige is sitting nearby.] Phoebe: Okay, Auntie Paige, big smile! (Paige smiles. Leo orbs in next to Paige. The picture's token.) Leo! (She looks around and makes sure nobody sees him. Paige stands up and goes to Phoebe.) Don't you think you should be more careful? I mean, you don't want to bring back the witch trials. (She gives him a big smile.) Leo: Gideon got to Chris. He's hurt bad. Paige: What? Now, why would Gideon want to hurt Chris? Leo: To get to Wyatt, which he's done. Phoebe: Gideon is the paragon of all good. I told you that. Remember? Smile. (Phoebe takes a picture of Leo.) Leo: But he-he's not good. (He looks around to make sure nobody's listening.) He's trying to kill my sons, your nephews. How can that be good under any circumstances? Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, but there Leo: You don't understand. Chris is dying! (Paige and Phoebe stop smiling.) Paige: What? Leo: I have to find Gideon, but I can't leave Chris alone. Somebody has to be with him. Come on, I know deep down inside family matters to you more than this twisted sense of right and wrong. You love him. I know you do. And that's gotta trump everything, even this stupid spell that you're under. You have to help me save him. You have to help me save them both, please. (Paige and Phoebe glow.) Paige: What just happened? Phoebe: I think we were under a spell and he took us out of it. Leo: Okay. Come on, let's go. Phoebe: No. We can't all go. Uh, Piper's being prepped for surgery. Leo: Surgery? What's the matter? Paige: They're not saying. Don't worry. We're not going to lose either Chris. (To Phoebe) I'll go home. You stay here. (To Leo) And you, you go find Gideon. (Leo orbs away.) [Scene: Manor. Main hall. Paige orbs by the foot of the stairs.] Paige: Chris? (SWAT members come out from the closet, down the stairs, out from the dinning room, pointing their guns at Paige. She raises her hands.) Easy. Easy. (Darryl and Inspector Sheridan come in from the kitchen. They're smiling.) Darryl: We got one of 'em. Stand by. Paige: Darryl, what's going on? Sheridan: Good day, Miss Matthews. Where's Chris? Paige: Chris? Chris who? Sheridan: Ooh Darryl: Paige, please. We've been waiting here to give you one last chance to turn him in, for your sake. Paige: Go to hell. (Sheridan back hands her. She falls to the ground.) Sheridan: Watch your tongue. [Scene: Magic School. Gideon's study. Leo pulls back the mirror curtain to find Evil Leo doing the same thing. They stare at each other in surprise.] Evil Leo: He's got to be hiding in the underworld. Leo: I agree. It's the only place he can go to avoid being sensed. Evil Leo: Which means he must have both of our Wyatts there, too. Leo: Still, it's too vast. We have to narrow it down. Evil Leo: Wait. It is too vast. For Gideon, too, right? Leos: Somebody's got to be helping him. Leo: But who? Evil Leo: Whoever helped him get to Piper in the hospital. Leo: I went to the hospital and tried to pick up a trail Evil Leo: But I was overwhelmed with hope. Leo: Fear. Leos: Barbas. Leo: So, if we find Barbas Evil Leo: We'll find Gideon. Leo: For both of our sons. (Both Leos orb out.) [Scene: Underworld. Cave. Two demons are feeding off of flesh. Wyatt orbs in. They look up.] Male Demon: Check it out. Female Demon: How'd he get down here? Male Demon: Maybe the world's finally turning back in our favor. (He goes over to Wyatt. Wyatt blinks and the Male Demon is vanquished.) Female Demon: Or not. (Wyatt blinks and she is vanquished. Wyatt orbs out. Barbas flames in. He sees the ashes that was the demon.) Barbas: Damn. (He sniffs the air.) Ah! Missed him by that much. [Scene: Manor. Second floor hallway. Paige is there.] Paige: Leo! Leo! (Leo orbs in.) Leo: Sorry. I was in the underworld looking for (He sees her face.) What's wrong? (The bedroom door opens. Two SWAT members leave. Sheridan and Darryl come to Paige and Leo.) What's going on? What the hell are you doing here? Sheridan: Nothing. We didn't have to. Darryl: I'm sorry, Leo. (Leo rushes into the room.) Leo: Chris. (Chris weakly looks at Leo.) Chris: (Weakly) Hey. (Leo kneels next to him. Paige stands in the doorway.) Leo: Hey. I'm here now. You can hold on, okay? Hold on hold on. I'm here. You can hold on, okay? (Chris nods.) Don't give up, okay? (Chris nods.) Chris: You, either. (Chris closes his eyes.) Leo: No, no, no. Please no. No, please. (Chris dies.) No. (Paige cries. Leo starts to cry. He puts his head down. Chris slowly vanishes. Leo buries his face in the sheets. Leo looks up and sees Chris gone. Paige stands there, crying.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Leo screams and uses energy balls to break furniture. He screams and throws electricity, shattering mirrors. He's out of control. He throws another energy ball at some furniture. Paige is hiding behind a chair. He picks up a table and throws it. He roars and throws electricity at the windows. Paige rushes out and grabs his wrists.] Paige: Leo, stop it! (He pulls his hands away from her.) What are you trying to do, kill us? This isn't going to bring him back. Leo: I promised him I'd get him home safely. Paige: I know, but you can still save his future, and you can still save Wyatt. We just have to hurry, and you have to focus. Okay? Look, you were saying something about the underworld, about looking for something there. What? (He takes a deep breath.) Leo: Barbas. Paige: Barbas? What's he got to do with this? Leo: He's working with Gideon. That's how I think he got to Piper. That's how I think he got to me. Paige: Gideon teamed up with a demon for that? Leo: No. An act of Great Evil in our world restores the balance. (He shakes his head.) That's what I think he was using Barbas for. Paige: So, they're working together. That means they must be in contact with each other, right? Leo: So? Paige: So, that means maybe that's a way to find Gideon. The next time they try to contact each other, you just intercept it. [Scene: Barbas's lair.] Leo's Voice: Wyatt? Wyatt? (Pause) Can you hear me? It's daddy. Wyatt? Wyatt, can you hear me? It's daddy. (Wyatt orbs in. Gideon steps out.) Gideon: (In Leo's voice) Hello, son. (Wyatt turns around. Five crystals orb around Wyatt. The crystal cage is activated.) (Normal voice) So sorry to lure you like this. Barbas where are you? (He goes over towards Wyatt.) Barbas! (Barbas walks over.) It's time. Barbas: Took you long enough. Gideon: Your impatience is growing tiresome. (He holds the athame up.) I blessed it already. Now it's your turn. (Barbas takes the athame.) Is something wrong? Barbas: As a matter of fact there is. (Barbas stabs Gideon.) Gideon: Why? (Barbas morphs into Leo.) Leo: Because you murdered my son. (He hits Gideon and sends him across the lair. Leo looks at Wyatt.) I'll be right back. (He goes over to Gideon.) Gideon: Leo, please, you have to understand. I am only doing this for the greater good. I swear. (Leo knocks the athame out of Gideon's hand.) Aah! (Leo picked up Gideon.) Leo: How is killing a child ever for the greater good, huh? Who the hell are you to decide that, huh? (He throws Gideon across the cave.) Gideon: Aaah! (Barbas flames in behind some rocks, spying on the fight. Leo picks Gideon up.) I'm an Elder! So are you! It's what we do. Leo: I'm not one of you anymore. Gideon: Leo, listen to me. You know what happens. You know what Chris came here to stop. (Leo throws Gideon to the floor. Barbas flames away.) Let me finish what I started. Let me save the future, the only way it can be saved. Leo: You're the reason the future's threatened, Gideon, not Wyatt Gideon: No Leo: But because of what you do to him. I'm about to make sure neither one of you get the chance again. Mirror! (He makes a hand gesture and the mirror appears behind Gideon. Evil Leo stands in it's reflection, in the Underworld garden.) Evil Leo: You ready? Leo: Remember, you can't do anything. I have to do this alone. Evil Leo: I know. Gideon: Do-do what? Leo: A Great Evil. (Leo's eyes glow white. With both hands, he gestures and fires a stream of electricity at Gideon. He cries out in pain. Gideon is lifted into the air. In the mirror, Leo's power lifts Evil Gideon into the air. Evil Leo stands on the side.) [Scene: Hospital. Maternity ward, waiting room. Paige and Phoebe are sitting down.] Phoebe: Fade away? What-what do you mean he just faded away? Paige: In Leo's arms, after he died. Phoebe: Yeah, maybe he didn't die. I mean, maybe he was just going back (Paige shakes her head. Phoebe sighs.) Oh, god. Ohh. (She sniffs.) Poor Leo. (Doctor comes into the hallway. Phoebe and Paige go over to him. Doctor removes his mask.) Dr. Roberts, how's Piper? Dr. Roberts: (cheerily) Well, that depends on how you look at it, I suppose. Me, I like to think she's moving off to a better place. Paige: What? Phoebe: What is that supposed to mean? Dr. Roberts: Well, I think you know what I mean. She's hemorrhaging. (He chuckles.) We can't stop it. It's everywhere. But let's all try to think positively, shall we? Phoebe: Now you listen to me. You get your ass back in that room and you save my sister and her baby! You understand me?! Dr. Roberts: Security! (Two security guards come towards them. Paige and Phoebe turn away.) Paige: Okay. They shoot people here, remember? Phoebe: We got to get Piper out of here. We've got to get her to Leo. Paige: We can't. We don't know where Leo is. Phoebe: We can't just do nothing! (Security guards are about to take out their guns. Everything, except Phoebe and Paige, go in slow motion. Paige shakes her head.) Paige: What's going on? (Phoebe shakes her head. It becomes night. When the slow motion ends, the security guards walk past Paige and Phoebe.) Phoebe, it's night. Phoebe: Everything's back to normal? (They turn back to Doctor.) Doctor Roberts: I'll do everything I can. I promise. (Paige nods.) Excuse me. (He leaves.) Paige: Leo must've done something. [Cut to Underworld. Leo stops. Gideon drops to the ground in front of the mirror, smoking.] Gideon: (rasps) You have no idea what you've done. (He closes his eyes and dies. He turns into black dust.) Evil Leo: Didn't know you had it in you. Leo: Our worlds can never cross over again. Evil Leo: Take care of your family. Leo: You, too. (Both Leos explode the mirror. Leo goes over to Wyatt and kicks a crystal away. The cage breaks. Leo kneels down.) Hi. (He picks up Wyatt and hugs him.) I got you. You're safe now. I have you. I have you. [Scene: Hospital. Phoebe and Paige pace in the waiting room. Leo comes in, carrying Wyatt.] Phoebe: He found him. (They go over to them. Phoebe takes Wyatt from Leo.) (To Wyatt) Hey. Paige: Is he okay? Leo: Yeah. He wasn't with Gideon long enough to do any damage. Paige: What happened to Gideon? (Pause) Leo: How's Piper? (Dr. Roberts walks over to them.) Dr. Roberts: She's resting comfortably. Phoebe: Is she okay? Dr. Roberts: We stopped the bleeding, obviously had to perform a c-section, but I think she's going to be okay. Leo: And the baby, is he all right? Dr. Roberts: You tell me. (He turns to the recovery room. He pushes a button on the wall and the double doors open. He steps aside. Piper's bed wheels into position. A nurse carries the baby wrapped in a blanket over to Phoebe, Wyatt, Paige, and Leo.) Congratulations. He's perfectly healthy. Leo: Really? (The nurse puts the baby in Leo's arms.) Phoebe: Oh, look he's beautiful. Baby Christopher. (Leo looks down at his son and smiles.) (To Wyatt) That's your brother. (Paige starts to cry.) Paige: Looks like we didn't lose him after all. (Pause) Phoebe: Can we see Piper? Dr. Roberts: Well, maybe just one of you for now. (Pause) Phoebe: (To Leo) Go tell her we love her. (Paige nods. Leo smiles and walks over to Piper.) (To Wyatt) Where'd the baby go? That's your brother. (Piper smiles. Leo grins. Leo places the baby in Piper's arms. She smiles at Leo. Leo looks at Phoebe and Paige, smiling. The doors close.)

Plan: A: Piper; Q: Who goes into labor? A: things; Q: What do Phoebe and Paige attempt to put back in order? A: Wyatt evil; Q: Who is Gideon trying to turn evil? A: Leo; Q: Who is less than thrilled when the other Elders tell him not to go after Gideon on his own? A: Barbas; Q: Who does Gideon team up with? A: explosive results; Q: What were the results of Leo and his evil parallel counterpart going against Gideon? Summary: As Piper goes into labor, Phoebe and Paige attempt to put things back in order and stop Gideon from turning Wyatt evil. However, Leo is less than thrilled when the other Elders tell him not to go after Gideon on his own, especially after Gideon decided to team up with Barbas to get the job done. Ultimately, Leo is able to team up with his evil parallel counterpart go against Gideon with explosive results.

PLANET OF THE SPIDERS BY: ROBERT SLOMAN PART THREE 5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. RIVER (The DOCTOR has reached the river again but has cut out a considerably long stretch of the curve in its route by going overland. He skims back onto the surface of the water and finds that he is much closer behind LUPTON'S speedboat and getting nearer all the time. The DOCTOR finds himself buffeted by the churned-up waters from the speedboat and instead goes to one side of the wake of the craft, thereby being able to close up easier. LUPTON hears the drone of the hovercraft and looks back. The look of satisfaction disappears off his face.) LUPTON: He'll catch us! SPIDER: (OOV.) I'll get help from Metebelis. Concentrate! Concentrate! (The two craft are now neck and neck together with both men watching ahead and each others movements as they race through the water. The DOCTOR brings the hovercraft immediately next to the speedboat and lunges himself aboard LUPTON'S craft. LUPTON keeps at the controls as the DOCTOR clambers to his feet. But when he looks down at the driver's seat, it is empty. LUPTON has disappeared into nothingness before an astounded DOCTOR. The boat starts to drift to a halt.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. LAMASERY. PASSAGEWAY (TOMMY'S secret hideaway in the Lamasery is a cupboard under the stairs. The burly handyman comes out of this private place and immediately a troubled look appears on his face. Sensing something wrong, he peeps round the corner and his eyes widen as he sees LUPTON materialise from thin air, staggering slightly on his feet as he does so.) TOMMY: Clever Lupton! (TOMMY smiles in admiration. He watches as LUPTON reaches into the pocket of his checked sports jacket and brings out the blue crystal. Any feelings of confusion that TOMMY feels over LUPTON'S seeming trick of magic instantly disappear when he sees the jewel in the man's hands.) TOMMY: Pretty! (TOMMY retreats back as CHO-JE walks across the hallway. LUPTON hurriedly pockets the crystal and nods a greeting to the little lama which is returned.) CHO-JE: Mr. Lupton. (CHO-JE passes on and into the meditation room. LUPTON makes sure he has gone and heads towards his own room, not seeing that TOMMY is bumbling along after him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. LAMASERY. LUPTON'S ROOM (LUPTON enters his own room which is on the ground floor. Its fixtures and fittings are basic with a wardrobe, bed washstand and table under the window with one chair nearby. LUPTON shuts the door to and leans against it. He looks shattered and his face is covered in a film of sweat, nevertheless he looks triumphant. He speaks to his unseen companion.) LUPTON: We've done it! LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) Yes, we've done it - together. (LUPTON takes the crystal out of his pocket and looks down at it as he staggers across the room.) LUPTON: Will...this give us...power? LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) More power than you dared to dream of. (LUPTON smiles. Suddenly, the SPIDER grows anxious...) LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) Veil your mind! You must cloak your ambition. I can understand it, perhaps I share it, but if my sisters on Metebelis Three were to have an inkling of your thoughts...they would kill you. (The SPIDER cries out.) LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) Beware! They seek to make the link. (LUPTON feels his surroundings growing fuzzy...) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. METEBELIS THREE. SPIDER'S BASE. COUNCIL CHAMBER (...and he finds himself in mind and partially in body in the Council Chamber of the QUEEN SPIDER on Metebelis Three. The chamber is small, well-lit and in hues of white and blue. A raised platform on two levels which runs half-way round the room contains the many SPIDER members of the council. At the left-hand side of the platform is the dais of QUEEN SPIDER on which she sits, ever-twitching and moving her eight legs. She and the council members are identical in look to LUPTON'S SPIDER but the QUEEN has a regal and imperious tone to her voice. LUPTON himself appears as a disembodied head floating in the air in a corner of the chamber which faces the QUEEN SPIDER. LUPTON'S SPIDER does not appear but her voice is heard clearly and distinctly as LUPTON'S head looks round in some confusion at this sudden transportation. His image constantly cross-fades to an image of itself from a different angle.) QUEEN SPIDER: We are successful? LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) Totally - the crystal is ours. (There are murmurs and exclamations of surprise and delight from the council members.) QUEEN SPIDER: You have done well. LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) I thank you, o Queen. QUEEN SPIDER: Now you must prepare to return, bringing the crystal with you. LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) It shall be done. LUPTON: Look, what about me? I am to be...forgotten? QUEEN SPIDER: (Annoyed.) You are not necessary! LUPTON: Oh, but I am. Without me, you would never have recovered your precious crystal. I...I've been your friend. QUEEN SPIDER: (Amazed.) A friend? A two-leg dares to claim friendship with the eight-legs - the noble ones? LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV: Placating.) He means no harm, o Queen, and it is true that he has served us well. (The rest of the council murmur their agreement.) QUEEN SPIDER: Very well. His reward will be to serve us further. We could use him in the great work - the conquest of Earth. LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) Conquest? QUEEN SPIDER: This is the secret purpose of the Great One. (At the mention of this name, the council members join in a sudden chorus of acclamation which is tinged with fear...) COUNCIL: All praise to the Great One! QUEEN SPIDER: That is why she requires the crystal. We shall return to our rightful home - Earth, as rulers! We have exhausted our power. Be ready to return. Be ready... (The sight of the chamber becomes opaque before LUTPON'S eyes...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. LAMASERY. LUPTON'S ROOM (...and he finds himself back in his own room, a little shaken by the experience and still looking sweaty and tired. He moves open to the sash window and pushes it upwards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. LAMASERY (He leans out of the window, gasping for fresh air. The SPIDER speaks soothingly.) LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) Rest now. Let the power return to your body, and to your mind. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. LAMASERY. LUPTON'S ROOM (He turns from the window and stumbles over to his bed, the crystal in his hand. He collapses faces down on the bed.) LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) Sleep, Lupton, sleep. (As he closes his eyes, the SPIDER materialises on his back. It scuttles off and onto the floor. It heads for the door where it fades from sight...) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. LAMASERY. PASSAGEWAY OUTSIDE LUPTON'S ROOM (...and reappears outside the door in the hallway. It moves off through the passages of the Lamasery.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. LAMASERY. HALLWAY (CHO-JE has two visitors - the DOCTOR and SARAH have arrived at the Lamasery and are with the lama in the sitting room with MIKE. SARAH has changed into a red striped top and jacket with beige trousers.) CHO-JE: I can understand your distress at losing a valuable piece of equipment, er, er, Doctor? (None of them see that BARNES is in the hallway and listening to the conversation within.) CHO-JE: However, I feel you are mistaken in suggesting that Mr. Lupton had anything to do with it. (Having heard enough, BARNES moves off.) SARAH: But I saw him! I recognised him! CHO-JE: When? How far away from here? [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. LAMASERY. SITTING ROOM DOCTOR: Oh, about eighty miles I should say. SARAH: And we lost sight of him at about half-past-ten or thereabouts. CHO-JE: At half-past-ten I was walking to the meditation class and I saw Mr. Lupton in the corridor. MIKE YATES: But...but, that's impossible. CHO-JE: (Smiles.) Precisely, so one of us is mistaken. You cannot believe he was transported here in the winking of an eye. (The DOCTOR smiles at CHO-JE.) DOCTOR: No, no, of course not. MIKE YATES: Well, stranger things...have happened. SARAH: You can say that again. MIKE YATES: Much stranger. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. LAMASERY. HALLWAY (Outside the room, the SPIDER approaches across the tiled floor.) CHO-JE: As we both know, such things are child's play to a master of sorcerer, but you cannot believe that Mr. Lupton is a sorcerer. (The SPIDER pauses, watching what is going on in the room.) CHO-JE: We have no magicians here, I do assure you. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. LAMASERY. LUPTON'S ROOM (BARNES has got to LUPTON'S room and shakes him awake.) BARNES: Lupton? Lupton, wake up! Wake up! LUPTON: (Sleepily.) Mmm? Mmm? (He looks up at BARNES through groggy eyes.) LUPTON: What is it? (He sits up, still holding the crystal.) BARNES: That girl's back. She's brought somebody with her called "the Doctor". LUPTON: Has she indeed? BARNES: Now they're saying that you... (He spots the crystal in LUPTON'S hand.) BARNES: Then it's true? (LUPTON smiles, gets up off the bed and crosses to the window.) BARNES: (Worried.) Lupton, we've gotta stop this. (LUPTON puts the crystal down on table in front of the window.) BARNES: We're meddling in things we don't understand. LUPTON: (Sardonically.) Are we now? BARNES: Now listen to me - i...is that thing on your back at this moment? (LUPTON looks and senses the loss. He seems unconcerned.) LUPTON: How very strange - no it's not. (LUPTON takes off his sports jacket...) BARNES: Right, let's get away from here - now, while the going's good. (...and crosses to the sink, rolling up the sleeves of his polo neck jumper and not listening to BARNES' entreaties.) LUPTON: Barnes, do you know why I came to this place? BARNES: No, not really. LUPTON: All right - potted history coming up. (He takes off his watch, puts the plug in the sink and turns on the tap.) LUPTON: Picture me, bright young salesman, "Salesman of the year", Sales Manager, Sales Director. (Shouts.) I gave them twenty-five years of my life! Are you with me so far? BARNES: Yes, yes. (He turns the tap up, grabs the soap and starts to wash his hands as BARNES listens.) LUPTON: Then the finance boys moved in. Merger, takeover - golden handshake me, out on the streets. (Unseen by either of the two men, TOMMY appears at the window, crouched down so as not to be seen.) LUPTON: They could even have taken that. (LUPTON starts to swill his face, thus missing seeing TOMMY spot the crystal, stretch into the room and take the precious object off the table.) LUPTON: But when I tried...to set-up of my own, they deliberately, cold-bloodedly...broke me. (TOMMY moves away from the window, the re-stolen article in his grasp.) LUPTON: I'm still looking for some of the bits. BARNES: So you came here to get peace of mind? (LUPTON lets off a cry of derision into the towel he is using to dry his face.) LUPTON: Ha! I came here to get power. Do you think I'm going to let go now when it's in sight, when I can see myself taking over that firm, taking over the country...the entire stinking world! Huh! I want to see them grovel, I want to see them breaking their hearts, I want to see them eating dirt! BARNES: (Ruefully.) And I came here just to look for peace of mind. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. LAMASERY. PASSAGEWAY (TOMMY runs gasping down a passageway of the Lamasery. He looks round and enters the cupboard under the stairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. LAMASERY. STAIR CUPBOARD (He switches on the single bulb that hangs on a flex from above. The walls of the limited space hold a series of fuse boxes and a wooden first aid box. There are an assortment of objects stored there including a stepladder and an old ironing board. TOMMY kneels on the floor and opens a battered suitcase. From this he extracts a white shoebox - his treasure chest. Sitting back he takes the lid off the box and looks at the assortment of jewellery, trinkets and junk within. He then looks at his newly 'acquired' treasure.) TOMMY: Ah, pretty! (He places the jewel in the box and stirs his hand through the other objects.) TOMMY: All Tommy's pretties. (Gasping with delight, he puts the lid back on the shoebox and hugs it to himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. LAMASERY. LUPTON'S ROOM (His wash over, LUPTON puts his jacket back on, a smile on his face.) BARNES: So what are we going to do? LUPTON: When I've learned how to use that crystal, I shan't need the spiders anymore. (BARNES turns and sees the SPIDER materialise in the room in front of the door.) BARNES: Lupton, look! LUPTON'S SPIDER: (To LUPTON.) Your master will come to fetch you soon. LUPTON: My master? You mean Cho-Je? Why? LUPTON'S SPIDER: To talk to the Doctor. BARNES: (To LUPTON.) Is it speaking to you? What's it saying? LUPTON'S SPIDER: Send this fool away! LUPTON: Very well. Off you go, Barnes. BARNES: (Slightly panicked.) What are we gonna do? (LUPTON speaks to him in a condescending fashion.) LUPTON: Later, man, later. BARNES: (Sighs.) Very well. (The weak and confused man heads for the door, carefully walking round the twitching SPIDER with some distaste. He leaves the room.) LUPTON'S SPIDER: We must prepare to meet this Doctor. LUPTON: I see no necessity. LUPTON'S SPIDER: He could be dangerous. LUPTON: So could I. (Firmly.) So...could...I. LUPTON'S SPIDER: You will go to see him. LUPTON: I shall not. LUPTON'S SPIDER: You forget, Lupton - we are linked together now. I can twist your mind as easily as a two-leg boy twists another's arm. (It rears up on its legs.) LUPTON'S SPIDER: Like this! (A reverberating sound echoes through LUPTON'S mind. He clamps his hands to his head in agony.) LUPTON: Oh...oh, stop! LUPTON'S SPIDER: (Goading.) "You won't need the spiders anymore" - isn't that what you said? LUPTON: Stop, I can't bear it! LUPTON'S SPIDER: Say please! LUPTON: Please...please! (The sound diminishes. LUPTON groans as his hands fall away.) LUPTON: Oh... (He staggers over to a chair.) LUPTON'S SPIDER: You will go to see the Doctor and lull his suspicions. In future you will do as I wish. LUPTON: What did you do to my mind? It felt like red-hot needles. Was it... (Sat in the chair, LUPTON closes his eyes.) LUPTON: Was it...this that you did? (Nothing happens.) LUPTON: Or...no...no...was it...this! (He stares down at the SPIDER with eyes ablaze. The positions are reversed and the SPIDER'S mind is filled with the reverberating sound. The SPIDER cries out in agony and writhes on the floor.) LUPTON'S SPIDER: No...no...stop! LUPTON: (Smiles.) Say please... LUPTON'S SPIDER: Please, Lupton! Please! (LUPTON stops the torture. The SPIDER groans as it lies flat on the floor.) LUPTON'S SPIDER: You are...cleverer than the two-legs on Metebelis Three. LUPTON: I'm cleverer than most of them on Earth! LUPTON'S SPIDER: Very well, you need not see this man. Come, we must make ready! (LUPTON gets up and looks down at his SPIDER.) LUPTON: I'm not going to Metebelis Three just to become a slave to that Queen of yours. LUPTON'S SPIDER: I like her arrogance no more than you do. You seek power on Earth. I shall seize it on Metebelis. We can help each other. Turn around! LUPTON: (Sniffs.) Very well. (He turns away from the SPIDER and it jumps onto his back and fades away. He hears its voice in his mind.) LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) Now - the crystal! (He turns to the window and sees that the crystal is not on the table.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. LAMASERY (He turns over books and several other items and looks on the open window-sill.) LUPTON: It's gone! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. LAMASERY. LUPTON'S ROOM (He turns from the window.) LUPTON: The crystal has gone! [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. LAMASERY. SITTING ROOM (The DOCTOR'S patience, usually so quickly exhaustible, is still being maintained in the face of CHO-JE'S gentility...) DOCTOR: Look, Venerable, may we see this man, Lupton, now? I'm sorry to seem pushy but it is very important. CHO-JE: It is good that we have come to the west. You whip your poor horse too much. He gets up so that he is exhausted and yet, you know, he never leaves his stable. SARAH: Now what's that supposed to mean? MIKE YATES: I think he's saying that, er, time is an illusion. DOCTOR: And it'll all be the same in a hundred years. [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. LAMASERY. HALLWAY (Out in the hallway, TOMMY comes down the stairs...) DOCTOR: (In sitting room.) Yes, where have I heard that before? (...and whispers to SARAH through the open doorway into the sitting room.) TOMMY: Hey! CHO-JE: (In sitting room.) There is only the now - the here and the now. The present moment... (SARAH comes out of the sitting room with a broad smile for her friend.) SARAH: Hello, Tommy. TOMMY: Hello, Sarah Jane Smith. Tommy like you. SARAH: Well I like you too. TOMMY: You give Tommy nice presents for his friend. SARAH: Ooh, I haven't got another one, I'm afraid. TOMMY: No, no, Tommy got nice present for Sarah Jane Smith. Y...you come. SARAH: Oh, well, not just now, Tommy. (He takes her hand in an insistent gesture.) TOMMY: You come, Sarah Jane Smith. CHO-JE: (In sitting room.) ...the ocean... (She casts a look back into the sitting room.) SARAH: Okay, okay, but we'll have to be quick. (They move off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. LAMASERY. SITTING ROOM (Meanwhile...) MIKE YATES: Suppose it'll mean something to me in the end. CHO-JE: Ah, the meaning of meaning is the last barrier to understanding. DOCTOR: Yes, er, Venerable, could we see Mr. Lupton now - please? CHO-JE: But of course. Mr. Moss? (MOSS walks into the sitting room from the hallway, having been lurking outside.) CHO-JE: If you would both wait here, this gentleman will find Mr. Lupton for you? (He looks at MOSS who smiles...) MOSS: Of course. (...and hurries away.) CHO-JE: Excuse me, Doctor. (CHO-JE turns and walks quietly from the room, giving the prayer wheel a spin as he goes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. LAMASERY. PASSAGEWAY (An annoyed BARNES strides ahead of LUPTON as they walk down a passageway.) BARNES: I didn't take it! I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it. LUPTON: But you saw it? BARNES: Well, of course I did. You put it on the table. (LUPTON hesitates and speaks to his unseen SPIDER as BARNES watches.) LUPTON: Could it have been sent to Metebelis Three? LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) No, my sisters haven't the power. You remember? The crystal must still be on Earth. LUPTON: Then we must find it. LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV: Urgently.) There is no time. The power is building fast. We must be ready! LUPTON: We don't have to go. LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV: Urgently.) If the Queen finds out that we have lost the crystal, she'll kill us both! LUPTON: Right, we'll bluff them. We'll pretend we've still got it. LUPTON'S SPIDER: (OOV.) But they'll never believe it! LUPTON: We have no choice. (He turns to BARNES who has been listening to the seemingly one-sided conversation with growing concern.) LUPTON: Now listen, Barnes... BARNES: Perhaps you've gone mad? Hearing voices? Talking to yourself? LUPTON: You saw the spider, didn't you? BARNES: Perhaps I've gone mad too? (He walks into a room. LUPTON follows. Round the corner, TOMMY runs hand in hand with a giggling SARAH towards his cupboard under the stairs.) TOMMY: You stay - er, Tommy get present. SARAH: (Nods.) Yes. TOMMY: Secret. (TOMMY puts a finger to his lips and shushes. SARAH repeats the gesture and laughs as a delighted TOMMY goes into his cupboard. Waiting and checking her watch, she suddenly hears two familiar voices...) BARNES: (OOV.) Shall I look for the others then? LUPTON: (OOV.) No, no, no. (She checks that she is not being watched and peeps round the corner where LUPTON and BARNES have come out of the room.) LUPTON: I'll go through the ritual by myself. BARNES: In the cellar - now? LUPTON: Yes, yes. See if you can keep the others away for half-an-hour or so, will you? (MOSS runs up.) MOSS: Lupton, Cho-Je wants you to meet some fellow with Yates. LUPTON: Yes, I know, I know. Tell him, erm...tell him you can't find me. (To BARNES.) I'll need the mandala. (LUPTON and BARNES go back into the room. MOSS sighs and walks off to give his message. SARAH'S head pops out from round the corner. She paces for a moment and thinks to herself, then TOMMY comes back out of the cupboard with is shoebox full of treasures.) TOMMY: Sarah Jane Smith... SARAH: No, not now, Tommy! TOMMY: No, I... SARAH: (Sharply.) No, not now! (TOMMY stops, looking a bit hurt.) SARAH: Hey, Tommy - you know Mike Yates, don't you? TOMMY: (Puzzled.) Yates? (Realises.) He...he give Tommy present! (He starts to delve into his box.) SARAH: Yes, yes... TOMMY: I... SARAH: Well...we, listen, Tommy - now listen carefully. I want you to go and find Mike Yates and tell him...tell him that Lupton has gone down to the cellar... TOMMY: (Struggling to remember.) Cellar... SARAH: ...and that I'm going down there too. TOMMY: You... SARAH: Okay? TOMMY: Cell...you... SARAH: Yes, look... TOMMY: Cell... SARAH: (Impatiently.) I've gotta go. I must get there first. (She starts to walk off.) TOMMY: Er...er... SARAH: Cellar, Tommy! (She runs off...) TOMMY: But Sarah Jane Smith...! (...and therefore misses the sight of TOMMY pulling the sought for crystal out of the box.) TOMMY: Give present! (LUPTON comes out of the room with the mandala rolled up under his arm. He doesn't see TOMMY and heads off for the cellar. TOMMY struggles to remember his errand.) TOMMY: Yates... (He puts the crystal back in his box and heads for the cupboard.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. LAMASERY. CELLAR (SARAH is the first to reach the cellar. She looks round and goes into her previous hiding place in the alcove behind the pillar and not a moment too soon for LUPTON enters the cellar. He places a cushion in the middle of the floor and spreads the mandala out. He sits down cross-legged on the cushion and starts to chant...) LUPTON: Om mani padme hum, Om mani padme hum... [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. LAMASERY. SITTING ROOM (The DOCTOR and MIKE are still waiting for MOSS to return. The DOCTOR is pacing but it is MIKE who jumps up in impatience.) MIKE YATES: This is ridiculous! Where's that feller got to? (TOMMY runs into the room and points back into the hallway.) TOMMY: Yates! Sarah! MIKE YATES: Not now Tommy. TOMMY: She's in the cellar! MIKE YATES: Not now. TOMMY: I tell you, mister, in...in the cellar. DOCTOR: I think he's trying to tell you something important, Mike. MIKE YATES: It always is. (MOSS enters behind a confused-looking TOMMY.) MIKE YATES: Ah, there you are. MOSS: I'm sorry. I can't find Lupton anywhere. (This prompts another memory recall in TOMMY.) TOMMY: (To MIKE.) Er...Lupton! MOSS: He's not in his room, he's not meditating, he's probably gone for a walk. TOMMY: (To MIKE, insistently.) Lupton in the cellar! (MIKE at last listens.) MIKE YATES: What? TOMMY: Sarah Jane Smith - in the cellar! DOCTOR: Where is this cellar, Mike? MIKE YATES: I'll show you. (They rush off. TOMMY calls after them.) TOMMY: Hey...hey, mister! (TOMMY smiles with pride but MOSS looks concerned.) TOMMY: I tell him. Tommy did it. MOSS: You certainly did. [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. LAMASERY. PASSAGEWAY (SARAH watches as LUPTON'S chant becomes more intense and aggressive.) LUPTON: Om mani padme hum, Om mani padme hum, Om mani padme hum... (A blue glow surrounds LUPTON...) LUPTON: Om mani padme hum, Om mani padme hum, Om mani padme hum, Om mani padme hum... (...and he and the glow fade away. Seeing that he is alone, SARAH gets up and runs into the centre of the cellar...) SARAH: Doctor! Mike! (...but she is also stood in the centre of the mandala.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. LAMASERY. PASSAGEWAY OUTSIDE CELLAR (MIKE leads the DOCTOR quickly down a passageway and round a corner. BARNES is stood sentinel outside the door that leads to the cellar. Suddenly they hear SARAH'S call...) SARAH: (OOV: In cellar.) Doctor, come quickly! (The DOCTOR shoves BARNES aside...) DOCTOR: Get out of my way! (...and they rush down into the anteroom and the cellar.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. LAMASERY. CELLAR (SARAH seems rooted to the spot on the centre of the mandala. Her upper body sways as she tries to step off. The DOCTOR rushes down the steps and sees what is happening.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Sarah, get off that mandala! SARAH: (Shouts.) I can't! (He runs towards her but in an instant, her view changes from that of the DOCTOR rushing at her...) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. DESERT (...to that of a rocky and pinnacled desert under a blue sky. Free of the mandala, she regains her balance and looks round in utter shock at her new surroundings. Crags and rocks reach to the sky and there are strange cries of animal and bird life in the air. Suddenly something familiar catches her eye. LUPTON is not far away, also looking round his new environment. She crouches behind a rock to watch...and a hand clamps down over her mouth.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. LAMASERY. PASSAGEWAY OUTSIDE CELLAR (MIKE and the DOCTOR run up to the passageway outside the cellar and see that the 'guard' has disappeared.) MIKE YATES: Barnes? (They look round a corner.) MIKE YATES: He's gone. DOCTOR: (Sighs.) Well, never mind. I doubt if he could have told us very much anyway. Well, there's only one thing for me to do, Mike - I've got to get after her - to Metebelis Three. MIKE YATES: In the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Yes, of course. MIKE YATES: But how can you be sure you'll get there? DOCTOR: Well, the TARDIS may be a little erratic, I'll admit. After all, she is getting on a bit. But Metebelis Three is the one planet I can be absolutely certain of reaching. You see I wired the coordinates into the programmer. (He heads off down the passageway but MIKE stops him.) MIKE YATES: Yes, but, but, Doctor - a planet's a big place. DOCTOR: Yes, well, I always leave the actual landing to the TARDIS herself. She's no fool, you know? MIKE YATES: You speak as if she were alive? DOCTOR: (Smiles.) Yes...yes, I do, don't I? Bye, Mike. (He moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. VILLAGE (SARAH'S captor is a young, lithe long-haired man dressed in primitive clothing. He drags her into the centre of what appears to be a village made up of a row of flat-roofed one-storey huts, decorated with symbols which sit on a raised terrace. At the end of the row is a raised platform. Several other people are outside the cabins under the blue cloudy sky, dressed in an assortment of clothing that somewhat resembles that of South and Central American peoples.) TUAR: (Shouts.) Hey, I found a spy! SABOR: (Shouts.) Tuar! You're a fool! (The speaker is SABOR, an elderly but still energetic man with white hair and beard who rushes after SARAH and TUAR as he pulls her towards the raised platform at the edge of the village. They stop and the villagers look at the strangely dressed SARAH in puzzlement. One, a young girl called REGA, almost hides behind the old man looking at the captive as TUAR holds her hand up her back.) SABOR: (Shouts.) If she's a spy, you've condemned us all - we're as good as dead! TUAR: (Shouts.) Look, I'm tired of waiting! The eight-legs'll kill us all anyway - it's time we fought back! SABOR: (Shouts.) It will do us no good speaking treason. Release her! (TUAR scowls, hesitating to obey the old man.) SABOR: Release her, I say! (The young girl speaks to SARAH with suspicion.) REGA: Who are you? How ... you come here? SARAH: Erm... TUAR: Oh, don't waste time, Rega. She's a spy - we must kill her! SARAH: Hey? SABOR: (To TUAR.) Already we're in danger - do you want the whole village wiped out? Remember Skorda. SARAH: But I'm not a spy! I don't know who you are or anything. TUAR: You're lying. SARAH: Well anyway, who am I supposed to be spying for - the spiders? (There are gasps and cries of astonishment from the villagers.) TUAR: You see? Who but a spy would dare use a forbidden word? We must kill her before she can betray us! (He pulls her towards the platform as she starts to scream out.) SARAH: No, no! SABOR: Tuar, No! TUAR: Stay back! SABOR: No, Tuar, you fool! TUAR: Stay back! (He pulls her towards the edge of the platform which is revealed to be on the edge of a precipice. TUAR tries to push the screaming SARAH over the edge and the others are trying to pull him back when a commanding voice cries out...) ARAK: Stop! (The shouter is another man, but one more swarthy, a little older and more powerfully built than TUAR. He stands in the doorway of one of the huts.) ARAK: Tuar! Stop! (He runs towards the commotion, followed from out of the hut by a scared and feeble woman.) NESKA: Arak! Arak! Come back inside, my son! (The new arrival, ARAK, reaches the group as SARAH'S upper body hangs over the edge.) ARAK: Let her go! She may be telling the truth - let her go. (He looks menacingly at the younger man.) ARAK: You will follow her, my brother. (TUAR reluctantly hangs back, allowing the gasping SARAH to stand. ARAK leads her away from the platform towards the centre of the village.) TUAR: She's a spy. ARAK: Rubbish! She's a stranger - look at her clothes. TUAR: A stranger? Where from? NESKA: Why not ask her? (To SARAH, gently.) Where do you come from, child? SARAH: I'm...I'm from Earth. SABOR: From Earth? But how? Did you come in a starship like your ancestor did? SARAH: (Puzzled and afraid.) Er, no, erm, well, I don't know how I got here actually. TUAR: You see? She's lying. SABOR: Tell the truth, girl. (There is suddenly a distant trumpet sound.) SABOR: How many of you? Where's your ship? REGA: (To NESKA.) Mother! Listen! (She looks terrified.) REGA: The Queen of the eight-legs is coming. NESKA: (To ARAK.) Quickly, my son - get back into hiding! ARAK: (To SARAH.) Come. (He leads SARAH back towards the hut that he ran from as the trumpet sounds get louder. NESKA, SABOR and REGA go with them. TUAR shouts after them...) TUAR: She'll betray you! She'll betray us all! [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. HUT (The group enters the dark hut. It is furnished with the most primitive of furniture and tools. Cloths hang over the windows, cutting out most of the light.) SARAH: Well, what is it? What's happening? ARAK: Quiet. NESKA: Keep silent, girl. You will bring death to us all. [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. VILLAGE (TUAR enters the hut after the others and shuts the door. A procession enters the village. There are several guards and their GUARD CAPTAIN. They wear identical leather and fur covered tops with wide blue trousers and flat round leather hats. They carry short staves that end in a round blue crystal. Four of the guards carry an elaborate covered stand between them, rather like a squat sedan chair, and place it on the platform. On the stand, twitching on blue velvet cushioning, is the QUEEN SPIDER. The guards push the villagers back and the GUARD CAPTAIN addresses the villagers...) GUARD CAPTAIN: Hear now, Huarth, most noble of the noble ones, Queen of the eight-legs, speaks thus: Arak, male two-leg, having attacked field guard Draga, leaving him for dead, the same Arak will now surrender himself. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. HUT (NESKA looks up at her son ARAK in fear.) GUARD CAPTAIN: (OOV: Outside hut.) If Arak does not come forth, one male two-leg will be taken from each family of the settlement to suffer the retribution due for the foul crime of Arak. ARAK: I must go, Mother. NESKA: No! No! SABOR: I'll speak to the Queen. Maybe she'll listen to me. (NESKA grabs his arm in appeal.) NESKA: No, Sabor, it's too dangerous. SABOR: The people need Arak - they trust him, they listen to him. He's our last chance. TUAR: That's true, Arak. GUARD CAPTAIN: (OOV: Outside hut.) Arak, come forth! [SCENE_BREAK] 31: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. VILLAGE (The door of the hut opens and SABOR emerges with dignity. He walks up to the QUEEN'S stand and goes down on one knee.) GUARD CAPTAIN: Sabor, where is your son? SABOR: I beg leave to speak to the Queen. QUEEN SPIDER: Speak, Sabor. SABOR: Draga is a bad field guard. He's unfair, he's cruel. He struck Neska, Arak's mother, for no good reason and... QUEEN SPIDER: (Interrupts.) Silence! This is not to the point. Did he or did he not strike my guard? SABOR: He did, but surely there's a... QUEEN SPIDER: (Interrupts.) Then he must die. Where is he? (SABOR scowls at the GUARD CAPTAIN.) SABOR: He's gone to the hills. GUARD CAPTAIN: How do you know? SABOR: Because I helped him [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. HUT (ARAK has heard enough.) ARAK: No! (He heads for the door but TUAR stops him.) TUAR: Look, it's no good! If you go out there, they'll kill you both. [SCENE_BREAK] 33: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. VILLAGE (Meanwhile, outside the hut.) QUEEN SPIDER: (To SABOR.) You know the penalty? You know that you will take his place? (SABOR bows his head in resignation.) SABOR: Yes. QUEEN SPIDER: Very well. Justice is satisfied. Let us return. [SCENE_BREAK] 34: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. HUT SARAH: Well, what's going to happen to him? TUAR: The eight-legs will eat him of course. NESKA: No! (Horrified by this thought, NESKA opens the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. VILLAGE (...and runs out of the hut.) NESKA: No, I shan't! You shan't take him! (She runs up to her husband.) NESKA: Sabor, my husband, my love! Why did you do it? Why? Why? GUARD CAPTAIN: Woman, get back! SABOR: This is the best way - I know. (She hugs SABOR.) NESKA: I shan't let them take you - I shan't, I shan't. GUARD CAPTAIN: Guard! (The guard places his jewelled stave against NESKA'S arm. The end glows blue and the old lady falls to the ground. REGA runs from the hut to the fallen woman.) REGA: Mother, Mother! (SARAH watches from the open door, thereby revealing herself...) QUEEN SPIDER: Wait! There is a stranger here. Guards! [SCENE_BREAK] 36: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. HUT (SARAH hastily shuts the door and turns to TUAR and ARAK.) SARAH: She saw me - they're coming. The guards are coming! TUAR: (To ARAK.) See? She has betrayed you. ARAK: Quick, you must hide! SARAH: No, they mustn't find you. [SCENE_BREAK] 37: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. VILLAGE (She bravely steps out as the guards approach.) SARAH: (Lightly.) Okay, okay, I'll come quietly. [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. UNIT HQ. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR runs quickly into his laboratory. He takes the key from his pocket and enters the TARDIS. The door shuts, the roof light flashes and it dematerialises from Earth...) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: EXT. METEBELIS THREE. VILLAGE (...and rematerialises on Metebelis Three. He steps out, closes the door and looks round. Walking round the police box, he sees that he is smack in the middle of the village. All are astonished to see him expect SARAH who, held by a guard, smiles in delight.) DOCTOR: Hello, Sarah Jane. (He walks towards her.) GUARD CAPTAIN: Stop! (The guard places his stave on the DOCTOR'S arm. It glows but instead of knocking him unconscious, he spins round angrily on the man.) DOCTOR: Don't do that! QUEEN SPIDER: Let him approach. GUARD CAPTAIN: You will kneel to the most noble Queen. DOCTOR: The Queen? (He realises who the GUARD CAPTAIN is referring to and smiles.) DOCTOR: Oh, yes. Yes, of course. (He kneels down on one knee, with a touch of mockery in his face.) DOCTOR: Er, greetings, o most noble Queen. Er, may I ask what you intend to do with this young lady? QUEEN SPIDER: You do not speak like a two-leg - where have you come from? DOCTOR: Er, both Miss Smith and I come from Earth, your Majesty. QUEEN SPIDER: From Earth? Then you are the one who...no, no, that cannot be. We shall return. Bring this two-leg. We shall question him with the female. DOCTOR: Well now, just a minute, your Majesty... GUARD CAPTAIN: Over there! (A guard places another stave on the DOCTOR'S back. It glows again but once more has no effect. The DOCTOR'S patience has been tried too much though and he turns and pushes the guard back by the face. One after another the guards start to rush at the DOCTOR but he easily throws each one over his shoulder. One of the few guards left is the one holding SARAH and he joins in the fray. The DOCTOR grabs his arm and throws him as well. Seeing that SARAH is free, NESKA and REGA wrap a red shawl over her shoulders and push her to safety. They then watch as the DOCTOR wards off another two guards by spinning them both over at the same time. He looks round and then makes a run for the TARDIS but the watching GUARD CAPTAIN points a hand and a blue arc of energy crackles out and hits the DOCTOR in the back. This time he is not immune to the effects and he collapses against the police box. He feebly reaches out to the TARDIS but then his head falls to the floor...)

Plan: A: The Doctor and Sarah head; Q: Who heads to the meditation centre? A: the meditation centre; Q: Where do the Doctor and Sarah go to try and get the crystal back? A: the crystal; Q: What is stolen by Tommy? A: Lupton; Q: Who is preparing to return the crystal to Metebelis Three? A: all their plans; Q: What is disrupted? Summary: The Doctor and Sarah head to the meditation centre to try and get the crystal back while Lupton prepares to return it to Metebelis Three.But all their plans are disrupted when it is stolen by Tommy.

Ted (2030): Kids, your uncle Barney had been called a lot of names over the years. **SEVERAL FLASHBACK** Girl 1: (throwing her glass to his face) Jerk! [SCENE_BREAK] Girl 2: (throwing her glass to his face) b*st*rd! [SCENE_BREAK] Girl 3: Barack Obama Jr.?! Barney: Mm-hmm. And yes... we can. [SCENE_BREAK] Ted (2030): But there's one name none of us ever expected to hear him called. 2009 TED'S APARTMENT Robin: Boyfriend. Barney Stinson is my boyfriend. I've said it, like, a hundred times it still sounds weird to say. Ted: Well, anything sounds weird if you say it a hundred times. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Lily: But other than that, things are good? Ted: Bowl. Bowl. Robin: I don't know. I think Barney's been single for too long. Ted: Bowl. Robin: Like, the other night, I wake up at 4:00 a.m Ted: Bowl. **FLASHBACK** ROBIN'S BEDROOM Robin: Barney, are you awake? Barney? He tries to escape by the window. Robin: Barney. This is not a one-night stand. We're dating. Come back to bed. **END OF FLASHBACK** Ted: Bowl. Robin: That's happened three times. Ted: Bowl. Robin: And it's not just that, it's other things. **FLASHBACK** Barney enters into to apartment and see Robin crying. Barney: Hey. What's wrong? Robin: (crying) It was just one thing after another at work today, and then... (sniffling) I found out my aunt's in the hospital. I'm just, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and it's just... Barney: Shh, shh, shh. What you need to do is talk through this stuff. Robin: Oh, thanks. Barney: And then, once you're off the phone with Lily, I'll be down in the bar ready to have s*x. Mm-kay? **END OF FLASHBACK** Ted: Bowl. Robin: Look, I'm not the touchy-feely-est person in the world, but... a little more effort would be nice. Ted: Bowl. Bowl. Robin: I understand. Ted: Bowl. Lily: I guess, in a lot of ways, Barney doesn't stack up. Ted: Bowl. Bowl. Lily: I mean, you've had some pretty incredible boyfriends. Ted: (at various pitches) Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Robin: No, that's not it. Ted: Bowl. Robin: I don't know. Ted: Bowl Robin: Maybe he just doesn't have it in him. Ted: Bowl. Bowl. Robin: Maybe is whole thing's a big mistake. Ted: Bowl? [SCENE_BREAK] IN. MC LAREN'S Barney: She really said that? Ted: And she meant it. Trust me. I dated Robin for a year-- if you don't want to lose her, you gotta try a little harder. Be more attentive to where she is emotionally. You know, just be present. Barney: Yes, totally. Yeah. Only thing, and this is just me-- Ted: Mm-hmm. Barney: I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out! [SCENE_BREAK] Ted (2030): But then a funny thing happened. Over the next couple weeks, Barney was thoughtful, considerate, sweet. In short, the perfect boyfriend. Which, to Robin, meant only one thing. IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT Robin: He's cheating on me. Lily: What?! Robin: Why else would he buy me flowers? He's gettin' some on the side. Lily: Oh, come on, Robin. Barney's not the type of guy who would... Go on. Robin: Plus, he keeps saying he's working late. But when I call his office, they say he left hours ago. Lily: Well, that doesn't prove anything. Robin: Yes. Proof. Go word. I'm glad you brought that up. Barney's briefcase. He forgot it here this morning. (taking Barney's briefcase). Lily: And what do you plan on doing with it? Robin: We, we-- you and I-- are going to open it up and look for evidence. Ted probably has a sledgehammer around here somewhere. Lily: No! Stop! Stop! Eye contact. Listen to me. Robin Scherbatsky is many things: friend, confidant, occasional guest star in some confusing dreams that remind me a woman's sexuality is a moving target. But she is no crazy, jealous stalker-bitch. (snatching the briefcase) Let go. Marshall opens the door and enters into the apartment. Marshall: Hey, I've been down in the basement storage area going through all the stuff that Lily and I left behind when we moved out. I'm Robin. We should've cleared it out for you much sooner. Robin: There's a basement storage area? Marshall: Oh, you're not upset. Good. Baby, guess what I found. He brings a big barrel. Lily: Oh, that's great, honey. Robin: What the hell is that? Lily: Marshall got it in college. He used it as a nightstand for years. Marshall: Until we found out that Lily was allergic to barrel resin Robin: (slowly) Barrel resin? Lily: Just go with it. Robin: So you need a hand throwing it out? Marshall: No, I'm not... I'm not just going to throw her out, okay? Mabel's like family. Robin: So, um, what are you gonna do with Mabel? Marshall: I want to give her away, um, to a lucky new owner. Do you know anyone? Robin: Yeah, hmm, let me think. Do I know any rodeo clowns? Oh, that's weird, I do. But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess. Marshall: Well, he's not going to have the chance, because I am putting old Mabel in the Bermuda Triangle. Ted ( 2030): The Bermuda Triangle was the name we'd given years earlier to the curb right in front of our building. Whenever we wanted to give something away, we'd put it right there. It was uncanny. Marshall: This is so exciting. Right now there's some out there who has no idea that tonight they're going home with just... just the best barrel. Robin: Well, let's just hope they're not allergic to barrel sin like Lily here. Lily: (to Robin) Be cool, baby. Damn! (toMarshall who is leaving with his barrel) See you, sweetie. Good luck. Marshall: Bye, babe. Lily: Now, can we please get out of here? Robin: Yeah. I'll grab my coat. Robin hits the briefcase with a big hammer. Robin: Oops. She opens it and look at the documents Lily: A college notebook?! Robin: Oh, my God, he's cheating on me with some college girl. I knew there was a skank but I thought she'd at least be dumb.(reading the notebook) "Birthday: July 23.Favorite hockey team: the Vancouver Canucks. Age: 29, but tells people that she's 26." Oh, my God,these are notes about me. Or some 29-year-old version of me. Marsahll comes back, excited. Marshall: I hope I'm not too late! I want to see the look of joy on the new owner's face! He runs to the window and takes binoculars. Marshall: She's still there! Okay Mabel, let's find you a new home. Here comes a guy! And he... he just walked, walked right on by it. He's probably rushing home to get a handcart or something. Yeah! Hey, better hurry up, pal. What are you guys doing with Barney's secret Robin notebook? Let me rephrase that. Did you two ladies lose some weight? Lily: What do you know about this,Marshall? Robin: Why would Barney have a notebook full of information about me? Marshall: Well... [SCENE_BREAK] IN. TED'S CLASSROOM Ted (2030): The truth was...Barney was taking a night school class taught... by me. Ted: Welcome to Robin 101. [SCENE_BREAK] IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT Robin: Why is Ted teaching a class about me? It all started a few weeks ago. **FLASHBACK** IN. MC LAREN'S Barney: ...rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out! He leaves but come back immediately. Barney: Stinson back in. Say, hypothetically, I did want to change who I am to become a better boyfriend to Robin, which I do not! What kind of changes are we talking about? Ted: Why, I mean, there's just so much you need to know about her. Okay, for starters, don't ever cry in front her. Barney: Okay. Ted: And whatever you do, don't cry in front of her four times. Robin arrives. Robin: Hey, guys. What you talking about? Barney and Ted: Fantasy football. **END OF FLASHBACK** Marshall: They realized they couldn't talk about this stuff at the bar, and since you live with Ted, they had to find someplace safe. So... Ted's classroom. [SCENE_BREAK] IN. TED'S CLASSROOM Ted: "How To Date Robin Scherbatsky." Lesson one. Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, what Robin really wants, deep down... Barney: I'm bored. Ted: You said you wanted my help. Barney: Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard? Ted: We did that ready. Barney: No, like, really big boobs. Ted: No. Look, I need this, too. I've only been a professor a few weeks. Being up here, it's, it's good practice for me. Barney: Can we have class outside? Ted: No! What Robin really wants deep down... Cell phone chimes. Ted: Barney! Barney: What? I'm tweeting about you. You should be flattered. How do you spell blah-blah-blah- "H's" or no? Ted: Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you? Barney: They said I had A-D... something. Can we have class outside? Ted: Barney, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up. I love you and I love Robin. And I want to make this work. So if you give me a few weeks of attention, I could give you a lifetime of happiness. Can you do that for me? Barney: Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price? Can we have class outside? I got to find a way to reach this kid. IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT Lily: (reading) "Class number two." Robin: "Top Ten Robin Scherbatsky Facial Expressions and Their Meaning." IN. TED'S CLASSROOM Ted makes a projection of a photo of Robin. Ted: Now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea. What do these mean? Barney: You guys just had s*x? Oh! Wasn't me. Ted: Dude! I worked really hard on these slides, okay? Can we just... Barney: Okay. Ted: This look is hunger. If you ever see Robin looking like this, get some food in her quick,or one of two things will happen. One: weird, out-of-context laughter. (changing the photo) Or two: spontaneously falling to sleep in strange places. But the most important facial expression of all? He changes the photo but it is not one of Robin, it's a building. Barney: That's a building. Ted: Oh... (chuckling) That's for my class. TheFlatironBuilding. Fun story about it. It was designed byChicago's Daniel Burnham in the beaux arts style; this architectural gem... Barney: Dude! Ted: Right. The most important facial expression of all. He changes for the right photo. Barney: Whoa... Ted: Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes. If you ever, ever see this face, Barney, run. And don't take a picture of it. She will punch you. And you will cry... for the third time... that night. Which brings us to an important point: defusing the bomb. [SCENE_BREAK] IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT Robin: "Defusing the bomb"? What does that even mean? Lily: (reading) "Three Topics To Distract Robin From Being Mad At You." Robin: "Distract" me? Oh, that is so condescending. These guys are really starting to piss me off! Lily: "Immediately switch the conversation To one of the following, "unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes." IN. TED'S CLASSROOM Ted: One. "Vancouver Canucks 2004 Division Title." IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT Robin: What?! That's not distracting. That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team that prevailed despite very shaky goal ending and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden. IN. TED'S CLASSROOM Ted: Two: "Proper Gun Cleaning and Maintenance." IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT Robin: You have to clean your gun. My uncle had a filthy old shotgun, blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver. You want to distract someone, make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob. IN. TED'S CLASSROOM Ted: Three: "Emperor Penguins." IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT Robin: Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other? Mr. Penguin (bowing). Mrs. Penguin (boxing). Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy. ( she laugs) What were we talking about? Marshall (looking out the window): Uh-oh. Looks like we got a taker. Oh, come on, dude. You know you want to A guy like you, beard, no mustache. You're exactly the kind of guy who could use a sweet barrel. Do it. (a dog pees on the barrel) No. No. That's not a fire hydrant! What... For shame, Sir. For shame! I bet you couldn't even grow a mustache if you wanted to. Lily: Neither can you, sweetie. Marshall: Well, he doesn't know that, baby! God! Robin: Ted's only teaching Barney horrible things about me. Lily: I don't know. Check this out. This is actually kind of sweet. IN. TED'S CLASSROOM Ted: Now, we all know Robin's not what you'd call "touchy-feely." She doesn't say, "I love you," like a normal person. Instead, she'll laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile and say, "You're an idiot." Barney: "You're an idiot"? Ted: Yup. If she tells you you're an idiot, you're a lucky man. And if she does say "I love you," she's already broken up with you in her mind. IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT Lily: I think 's nice that Ted knows you that well. Robin: Ah, well, too bad it's next to a page entitled... In. TED'S CLASSROOM Ted: "Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones." Right knee-- ticklish. Left knee... **FLASHBACK 2006** IN. ROBIN AND TED'S ROOM They are in bed. Ted: Does lefty like that? She moans. **END OF FLASHBACK** Ted: Oh, yeah...lefty like that. Barney: I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby. That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby. IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT Lily: Oh, here's a good one. "Top Five Things Never to Do Around Robin." IN. TED'S CLASSROOM Ted: Three: "Never, ever play the 'Guess Who' game with her." Barney: What do you mean? **FLASHBACK SPRING 2006** Ted: (arriving behind Robin and putting his hands over her eyes) Guess who? She screams and she makes him falling down. Ted: (afraid) It's me! It's me! It's me! **END OF FLASHBACK** Ted: Number four: "Unless you want to see it 80 times a day, for the next month, never show Robin a YouTube clip of an animal playing a musical instrument." Barney is sleeping in his chair. Ted: Barney! Do you have a problem with this class? Barney: Yeah, it's boring as hell and I'm not learning anything. Ted: Uh, well, maybe the problem is your attitude. You're not listening to a word I say. Barney: Uh-huh. Uh, can you hear this, Professor? (showing is thumb down) Or should I turn it up for you? (he turns it up). Ted (2030): It may not have been a thumbs-up, kids. Ted: Oh, you think you're not learning anything, huh? Okay. Pop quiz. Barney: What... Ted: When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her? Barney: Trick question. Get her butterscotch. Ted: Correct! Why? Barney: Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women. Ted: Correct! What is Robin's dream job? Barney: To become the most successful female TV journalist of all time. Ted: Correct! And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy? Barney: No! Robin's deep-seated need for attention can traced back to her father's emotional distance, and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her Dad: "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?" Ted: Yes! But I guess you're right. You haven't learned anything. Sorry to have wasted your time. He leaves. Barney: "Oh, Captain! My Captain!" Ted turns. Ted: How good was Dead Poet's Society? Barney: I know, right? The end? Tears. IN ROBIN'S APARTMENT Robin: (closing the book) Okay, can I just say that my deepest need in life not to have my father to say, "I am proud of you, eh?" Marshall: So why are you crying now? Robin: I'm not crying. Lily: (hugging her) Oh, sweetie. Can I get you some butterscotch? Robin: Oh, stop it. She sighs. And look again in the book. Robin: Wait a second. It says here that the class meets at 6:15 on Tuesday. Lily: So? Robin: That's right now. IN. TED'S CLASSROOM Ted: Now, as you can see, well over 50% of the blankets have been dragged onto her side. Make no mistake. Robin Scherbatsky is a classic, textbook... cover hog. Any questions? Robin, Lily and Marshall come into the class. Robin: Yeah, I have one. Ted: Yes, Robin? Ted and Barney both gasp. Ted: (to barney) Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes. Uh-oh. Barney: I got this. So, emperor penguins-- crazy, huh? Robin: What the hell do you two think you're doing? Barney: Marshall, did you sells out? Marshall: I was vulnerable, I said good-bye to a very dear friend today. Robin: Dude, it's a barrel! Ted: Aw! You're giving Mabel away? Robin: I have so many questions. Why would you do this? What were you thinking? Who the hell is that guy? (showing a guy in the classroom). Ted: Oh, that's Shin-Ya. He's sort of been auditing the class. Robin: "Auditing"? Ted: Well, tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, but I don't think he speaks much English. Barney: On the bright side, he came in handy standing in for you during the role-playing exercises. Robin: Wait. You did role-playing exercises where I was played by Shin-Ya? Shin-Ya: (speaking Chinese) They made me wear a wig, It was very demeaning. Robin: You know, I can't believe you, Ted. You actually think you're some kind of an expert on me? Barney: Hey! He is an expert. He's a great teacher! Lily: (sneezing): Kiss ass. Robin: You know, half the stuff in this notebook is patently wrong. Ted: Uh, really? Name one wrong thing. Robin: "Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones"? Let me clear something up for you, Ted. ** FLASHBACK 2006** Ted: Does lefty like that? Robin: (embarassed) Oh. Yeah... Ted: Don't wanna leave out the righty. Robin: Oh, uh, no. Um, the right one's ticklish, I guess. But the left one, yeah, I'm glad you're back there. Because that is just some sweet, sweet lovin'. Ted: Noted. **END OF FLASHBACK** Ted: That was a lie? Robin: We had just started dating. I was being nice. Barney laughs Robin: (to Barney) And you. You know, I got it into my head this week that you were cheating on me. I even broke open your briefcase to look for evidence. Barney: That is a huge violation of my privacy! Go on. Robin: You know, in a way, I was right. You cheated. You can't get some crib sheet on dating me. That's not how it works. If we didn't figure out how to be with each other in a real, honest way, I don't see the point of even trying. She leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] IN MC LAREN'S Robin is sitting alone when Ted is arriving. Robin: What do you want? Ted: Look. All that stuff I told Barney... It was personal between you and me. I'm really sorry. Robin: I guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered. Ted: It's funny. When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is and then, when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just liked the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know? Robin: Well, since you know me pretty well... am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing? Ted: I don't know. I will say this, though. I've seen Barney work very hard to get women. I've seen him work very hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was going to give him an A. Well, B+ -- Shin-Ya kind of screwed up the curve. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET DEHIND TED'S BUILDING Barney is sitting on the stairs, Robin comes to him. Barney: Hey. Before you say anything, I am done with this stupid Robin 101, okay? Here, I'll get rid of the notebook. (he throws it on the barrel) But there's... there's something that I did want to say to you. Robin, I have been with a lot of women, blondes, brunettes, redheads, big boobs, small boobs, medium boobs, some boobs that were big, but kind of in a bad way. The point is-- boobs that pointed in opposite direc--the point is...I'm really scared that you're going to dump me and that's why I did this and I'm sorry. Robin: You're an idiot. She kisses him. Robin: You know... Barney: Hmm? Robin: That notebook, um, does contain a lot of personal info, and I think it has my home address. Barney: And your work address. They turn to take the notebook but it has disappeared. Barney: Whoa. Marsahll: (upstais, lookin gout the window) Hey, guys! If you don't want the barrel, can you sit somewhere else? You're scaring away potential takers. [SCENE_BREAK] IN. TED'S CLASSROOM Ted: Designed byChicago's Daniel Burnham in the beaux arts style, this architectural gem was the first of its kind... Student: Uh, Professor Mosby? Ted: Yes, Susan? Student: That's a woman drinking beer on the toilet. It was a photo of Robin, not a building. Ted: Right. That-That... was Daniel Burnham's wife. She was a troubled, troubled woman. We are moving on.

Plan: A: Robin; Q: Who fears that Barney is cheating on her? A: Ted; Q: Who is Barney spending his evenings with? A: Marshall; Q: Who gives away a prized possession? Summary: When Robin fears that Barney is cheating on her, she soon discovers that he is spending his evenings with Ted learning everything there is to know on how to date her. Marshall gives away a prized possession.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in the living room and Phoebe is standing in the kitchen as the phone rings.] Rachel: Pheebs? Could you get that? Please? Phoebe: Why? Just 'cause you're too lazy to get up off your touchie? Rachel: No! No! It's just that all the people in the entire world that I want to talk to are right here. Phoebe: (smiles) Okay! (Goes to answer the phone.) Rachel: (under her breath) Sucker! Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Joey! [Cut to Las Vegas, Joey is on the phone and wearing his gladiator costume.] Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a favor? I forgot the pin number to my ATM card can, can you get it for me? Phoebe: Sure! Where is it? Joey: Uh, I scratched it on the ATM machine down on the corner. Phoebe: Ohh! So you're 5639?! Joey: That's it! Thanks Pheebs! [Cut to Monica and Rachel's] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: (to Joey) Ooh, do you want to talk to Chandler? Chandler: (To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods yes) Let me talk to him! [Cut to Joey] Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he didn't believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real! A Casino Boss: Hey! Tribbiani! Get back to work! Break time's over! [Cut to Phoebe] Phoebe: Who was that? Joey: Uhh, my stunt double. Yeah, and y'know, he's getting a little too familiar for my tastes. Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y'know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all week! If he's not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go down there and do it in person. [Cut to Joey] Joey: Uhh Pheebs, I heard that. Can you put him on? [Cut to Phoebe] Phoebe: Yeah! (She hands the phone to Chandler.) Chandler: (To Joey) Hey! [Cut to Joey] Joey: Don't come out here! [Cut to Chandler] Chandler: No-no-no-no, I've supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person! [Cut to Joey] Joey: I got that! I forgive ya! Don't come out here! [Cut to Chandler] Chandler: Forgive me? You haven't been taking my calls in a week! [Cut to Joey] Joey: Well, I'm totally over it Chandler. Friends forever! Don't come out here! A Tourist: (To Joey) Would you mind doing a picture with us? [Cut to Chandler] Chandler: Uh, what was that? [Cut to Joey] Joey: Uh, Entertainment Tonight. [Cut to Chandler] Yeah, okay so, good talking to ya and don't come out here. All right. (Hangs up the phone and poses for that picture.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.] Phoebe: Monica! I'm sorry I'm late! (Starts looking around for her) Monica? (Goes into Monica's bedroom.) Monica: (entering) Phoebe? (Phoebe comes back into the living room) Oh, Phoebe, I'm so sorry. Have you been here long? Phoebe: (saddened) It's okay. What the hell took you so long? Monica: Okay, you can not tell Chandler. Okay? That I ran into Richard. Phoebe: Which Richard? Monica: The Richard. Phoebe: Richard Simmons?! Oh my God! Monica: Noo! My ex-boyfriend Richard! Y'know the tall guy, moustache? Phoebe: Oh! Okay, that actually makes more sense. So how was it? Monica: It was, it was really nice. We started talking and I-I ended up having lunch with him. Phoebe: That is so weird! I had a dream that you'd have lunch with Richard. Monica: Really? Phoebe: But again, Simmons. Go on. Monica: The strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but I didn't feel anything at all! Phoebe: Ooh! So now why can't we tell Chandler? Monica: Because it would totally freak him out and tomorrow's our anniversary. I just don't want anything to spoil that. Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you guys lasted a whole year! Monica: I know. Phoebe: Wow! I owe Rachel 20 bucks! Monica: What? Phoebe: On a totally different bet. Chandler: (entering) Hey! Monica: It's almost our anniversary! Chandler: I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler. Phoebe: Awww! Now you're just my annoying friend Chandler. Chandler: Huh. Monica: I got you a present! Chandler: Oh, but it's not 'til tomorrow! Monica: I know, but you have to open it today! (Hands it too him.) Chandler: Okay. (He starts taking his time opening it. Finally Monica snaps.) Monica: (grabbing the gift from him and opening it) Okay! There you go! It's two tickets to Vegas! Chandler: Wow! Monica: For this weekend! Oh gosh, it would be perfect, we get to see Joey plus we get to start our anniversary celebration on the plane. We can call it out plane-aversary. Chandler: Do we have to? Monica: No. Chandler: Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn't want any of us out there. Monica: Oh, he just doesn't want us to go through any trouble. Think of how excited he'll be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get to have our own, ani-Vegas-ary! A-Nevadaversary! Chandler: Yeah, I think we should see other people. Monica: But we can go, right? Chandler: Yes. Monica: Okay! Chandler: It's a great idea. (They kiss) Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too! Chandler: Y'know Pheebs, it's kinda our (His and Monica's) anniversary. Phoebe: Oh please, you are not gonna ditch again like you did with London. Monica: Ditch you? Phoebe, you were pregnant with the triplets! Phoebe: Uh-huh, great story! I'm going! Rachel: (entering with Ross) Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey, you guys, listen, this weekend we're all gonna go to Las Vegas to surprise Joey! Including me!! You wanna go?! Rachel: Well, I guess I could take a couple days off work. Phoebe: Of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes me! Rachel: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I've got a presentation tomorrow. I can't miss that. Ross: Oh, but I've got tickets to the Van Gogh exhibit! I've been waiting like a year for this. Chandler: (coughing) Art lover! Ross: What'd you say? Chandler: I said art lover. Ross: Is that supposed to be an insult? Chandler: I don't know, I'm very tired. Ross: So Rach, maybe you and I could fly out together Saturday. Rachel: That sounds great. Ross: Yeah? All right I'll call the airlines. (Picks up the phone and does so) Rachel: Okay. Yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself for a night. Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you can walk around naked. Rachel: No! So I can be by myself. Y'know? Have a little alone time. Phoebe: Naked alone time. Rachel: No! Phoebe just because I'm alone doesn't mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked. Phoebe: Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door? [Scene: An airplane cabin, Phoebe has the aisle seat, Chandler the window, and Monica's stuck in that horrible middle seat.] Phoebe: So, so far is this trip to Vegas better or worse than the trip to London? Chandler: So it's pretty much the same Pheebs. Phoebe: Okay, what about after I give you these candies? (Hands them each one from her purse.) Chandler: Yeah, I guess it's a little better now. Phoebe: Ah-ha! Okay, (takes out a notepad) Las Vegas 1, London 0! I'll be right back. (Gets up and heads aft.) Chandler: (To Monica) Happy plane-aversary. Monica: Aww! I love you! Chandler: Can I give you a present now? Monica: Okay! Chandler: Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Don't tell me I did this! Monica: I love the "I forgot the present" fake out! Chandler: How do you feel about the, "I really did forgot the present, please forgive me" not fake out? Monica: Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, you can give it to me when we get back. Chandler: Ohh that's the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary ever! Phoebe: (sitting down) Oh good! All right, so you decided to tell him about the Richard thing. Chandler: What-what Richard thing? Phoebe: Oh no. [The patented version.] Chandler: What Richard thing? Phoebe: (To Monica under her breath) Simmons! Go with Simmons! Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary. Chandler: (talking out of the side of his mouth) I'm not mad. Monica: Really?! Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite! It's no big deal. (He still ain't happy.) Monica: Great! (Pause.) Phoebe: Okay, London 1... [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network primetime programming, we didn't see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes she didn't have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a little while and...] Rachel: (takes off her robe) Oh! Look what happened! {Don't get your hopes up guys, we only get to see her from the back or from the neck up. Its times like these I wish that the networks would broadcast some nudity other than Denis Franz's butt.} (In her head.) Huh, check me out! I'm in my kitchen...naked! I'm picking up an orange. (Does so) I'm naked! (Goes into the living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and carefully. (She backs anything that might have a point like a candle on her body away.) [Cut to Ross's apartment, he's sitting by his window looking at an art book. As he's turning the page, he glances up and notices something.] Ross: (in his head) Oh my God! That's Rachel naked! I can't look at that! I am looking at this. (Looks back at his book.) Okay, vivid colors, expressive brush strokes-Unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight. Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You're being silly! Or, am I? [Cut back to Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing while facing the big picture window. Y'know, I think I'd pay real good money to be on the other side of that window!] Rachel: (singing) Love to love ya baby! Ow! Love to love ya baby! Ow! (There's a knock on the door, she turns off the music, puts on her robe, and goes to answer the door.) Love to love ya, baby! (There's another knock.) Darnit! (Looks through the peephole and turns on the lights.) Ugh. (She opens the door to Ross who's leaning against the door jam.) Ross: Hey. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the scene is continued from where we left off before the break.] Ross: May I come in? Rachel: Uh, yeah, if you want too. Ross: Do you want me too? Rachel: Yeah, sure? Ross: So do I. (Slowly walks in.) Okay Rach, before anything happens (He takes off his coat) I just want to lay down a couple of ground rules. (Turns back to face her.) This is just about tonight. I don't to go through with this if it's going to raise the question of "Us." (Rachel's confused) Okay? I just want this to be (Kicks off his left shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.) Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross? Ross: The physical act of love. (Hisses at her.) Rachel: (laughs) What?! Are you crazy? Ross: Oh so-so you weren't trying to entice me just now with your-your nakedness? Rachel: (gasps) Oh God, you saw me?! Oh! Ross: You weren't trying to entice me with your nakedness. Rachel: Noo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have s*x with you?! Ross: No! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other one and heads for the door.) Rachel: Ohh wow! I'm sorry, but Ross you kicked off your shoes! Ross: Can we, can we just forget this ever happened? Rachel: Yes of course, absolutely! You're right. I'm sorry. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: Yes. Ross: All right I guess I'm, gonna go pack. (Starts to leave) Rachel: Okay. Oh wait! One more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh settle the question of "us?" (Ross storms off embarrassed.) [Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas, the Strip, slot machines, a couple other gaming tables all set to the tune of you guessed it, Money. Anyhoo, we finally get through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe enter Caesar's Palace carrying their luggage.] Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! (Catches up to them.) This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh! Monica: Phoebe, you don't eat animals. Phoebe: For 99 cents, I'd eat you. (Sees the casino) Okay, I can totally settle down here. It's got everything I could ever want, including Joey! Look! (Points to Joey in his gladiator suit posing for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hi! Chandler: Oh my God. Phoebe: Hey! Joey! (They all head over to him, he spots them coming and panics.) Hey! Hey!! Wow! (She hugs him.) Joey: Hi! Chandler: Love your condoms my man. Joey: What-what are you guys doing here? I thought I told you not to come. Phoebe: Why are you dressed as a gladiator? Joey: Uhh, because I'm shooting a scene right now. Yeah, I uh, I play a gladiator. Uh, y'know what? Hold-hold on a second. (To no one in particular) Can we cut? Yeah, my-my friends are here, I'm gonna take a little break. Monica: Who are you talking too? Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him. Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it's not a gladiator movie. I work here. Chandler: Why?! What happened?! Joey: Well, the movie got shutdown because they ran out of money, so I'm working here 'til it starts up again, if it ever does. Monica: I'm so sorry. Joey: Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell ya. (To Chandler) I'm sorry man. Chandler: No-no, that's okay, apparently there's a new policy where we don't have to share everything with everybody. Monica: I knew you were not okay with that. Phoebe: So you're a gladiator! Wow! Joey: Yeah, what-what's going on? Phoebe: Monica had lunch with Richard. Joey: Dawson?! Phoebe: Noo! But that would've been so cool! Chandler: No! Her boyfriend Richard! Monica: It meant nothing! Okay? After all this time, how can you not trust me? Chandler: When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don't tell me about it! Monica: You're right. I'm sorry. I should've told you. Chandler: Thanks. (They hug.) Joey: Aww, there we go. Phoebe: I love Vegas! Monica: I promise you, next time I will absolutely tell you. Chandler: (pushing her away from another hug) Next time? Joey: Ooh, so close. Chandler: There's not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again! Monica: I can not see him? I mean, you can't tell me what to do! Chandler: That's so funny, because I think I just did! Monica: Oh y'know what? If you're gonna be acting like this all night, I really, I don't even want to be around you. Chandler: Fine with me! Monica: Fine! Happy Anniversary! Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously just a big misunderstanding. Monica: No it is not! Chandler: What are you talking... Joey: Hey-hey don't look at me! I just work here! (Walks away.) [Scene: An aircraft cabin, Ross and Rachel are on their way to Vegas.] Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm, Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love. Ross: (sarcastic) Yep! That's hilarious! Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done. Ross: Y'know, last night was embarrassing for you too. Rachel: No, not really. I mean you've seen me naked hundreds of times. Ross: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building. Rachel: Okay. All right, that's true! But y'know I just don't embarrass that easily. Ross: What?! You totally get embarrassed! Rachel: No, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are. Ross: Is that so? Rachel: Yeah. (Pause.) Ross: (loudly so that everyone can hear) Hey lady! I don't care how much you want it! Okay?! I am not gonna to have s*x with you in the bathroom! (Rachel sinks lower on her chair trying to hide.) [Scene: Chandler's hotel room, he's sitting there with Joey who's talking about his helmet and running his hand through that feathery thing at the top.] Joey: Hey, y'know in Roman times this was more than just a hat. Chandler: Really? Joey: Yeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! They would use it to get the mud off their shoe. And sometimes underneath the horse would get dirty so they would stick it right... Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary. Joey: All right well, I'll take you someplace nice then. Look! A guy tipped me a hundred bucks today. Chandler: Whoa! Joey: Yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. Can you believe that? $5,000! Chandler: Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, y'know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.) Joey: Wait a minute! Why don't I do what that guy did? I'll take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! And then I'll turn that into enough money to get my movie going again! Chandler: Good luck! Joey: Chandler! I don't need luck. I have thought this through! Chandler: I see. (Joey exits as Chandler shakes his head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton's signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the background.] Monica: (to the bartender) Thank you. Phoebe: Thanks. Monica: I can't believe this! This is like the worst night ever! Phoebe: Y'know Monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big deal! It's only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares at her.) I am so sorry. Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid argument. I don't even wanna see Richard again. Phoebe: So go fix it! Go find Chandler! He's probably up in your room! Tell him that you're sorry and that you love him. Monica: Y'know what? You're right Phoebe. You're right. Thank you! (Gets up to find Chandler.) Phoebe: Sure! (When Monica gets close to the door.) (Yelling) Yeah! Las Vegas, number one! [Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it past the craps table when she notices a chip on the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.] Monica: Anybody lose this? (Holds up the chip and the woman next to her shakes her head no.) The Croupier: Comin' out. Place your bet. (Monica does so.) Dice are out. (The woman next to Monica rolls the dice.) Double or nothin'! Pay the front line! (Monica won and doubled the chip.) Monica: Hmm. [Scene: An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are both reading as a guy stops by their row.] Guy: (To Rachel) So uh, I'm on my way back to the bathroom. (Ross giggles.) Rachel: Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep walkin'! All right? (Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.) Rachel: Ross! What are you... I'm sorry sir. I just, I think he just really likes you. [Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.] Ross: (to the guy in the window seat next to him) Hey! Y'know that teacher who had a baby with her student? (He points at Rachel.) [Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button, takes Ross's drink, and spills it into his lap.] Ross: What the? What... Rachel: (to the flight attendant who appears in record time. It was only seconds after Rachel pushed the call button was she there. Once again, more proof that TV isn't real, IRL she would've been waiting for the rest of the flight and by then Ross's pants would be dry.) Hi! The Flight Attendant: Miss? May I help you? Rachel: Yes, I'm sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend seems to have had a little accident. [Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Joey is approaching one of the blackjack tables on his quest to make enough money for his movie.] Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.) Blackjack Dealer: Changing one hundred! (Gives him the change.) Good luck sir. Joey: (betting all 100) Let's ride. Blackjack Dealer: (Deals the cards) 13. Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer's hand.) [Cut to Chandler's room, Joey is relaying to Chandler his amazing discovery.] Joey: Chandler! You are not gonna believe this! I have found my identical hand twin! Chandler: (totally confused) What? Joey: My identical hand twin! Chandler: What's an identical hand twin? Joey: What's it sound like? It's a guy with my identical hands! It was incredible! Chandler, the dealer's hands were exactly like me! It-it was like looking at my hands in a mirror! Chandler: Are you sure you weren't (pause) looking at your hands in a mirror? Joey: Don't you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie. I'm gonna be a millionaire! Chandler: (totally confused) How? Joey: Look, I don't have it all worked out yet, but it's gotta mean big money! Come on! Identical hands! Chandler: Again I must go back to, how? Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh? Chandler: (Pause) Y'know, I-I can't really put a price on that Joe. Joey: Hey, are you unsupporting me again? Chandler: No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn't, I didn't get it right away. Y'know now I'm caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-dollar idea! (Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.) Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Pheebs!! Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: I found my identical hand twin! Phoebe: Ohh, you are so lucky! (To Chandler) Hey! So, where's Monica? Did you guys make up? Chandler: No! Phoebe: But she just came up here! Chandler: That was Joey! Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird. Chandler: Yeah, well, she's probably talking to Richard. Phoebe: Would you stop that! Do you wanna know the first thing she said when she came back from her lunch with Richard? She didn't feel anything for him. She loves you! Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Yes! Now, she feels terrible! She really wants to make up! You gotta find her. Chandler: Okay. (He gets up and goes to find her.) Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey's gladiator helmet and checks herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats! [Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones's signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos... They're in Vegas people! Catch up!) It's Not Unusual, y'know, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone! But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry! I wanna die." Well, while that's playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.] [Scene: That same plane cabin, Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly gets an idea. An evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse, the plane has landed and everyone is disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone.] The Flight Attendant: (to another passenger) Welcome to Las Vegas. (Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross's evil plan. He has drawn a moustache and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores it.) The Flight Attendant: (To Rachel) Thank you! (Not sure of herself) Enjoy your flight? Rachel: Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent. (Disembarks) The Flight Attendant: (To Ross) Hope you had a nice flight. Ross: Ohh, it was the best! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The casino, Ross and Rachel are entering.] Ross: I think the check in is that way. (Points) Rachel: Ahh. (A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts laughing.) Rachel: Hello! (She makes a face and the kid laughs harder. Finally, his parents drag him off.) Ohh, kids love me. Phoebe: (sees Ross and Rachel) Hey! Ross: Phoebe! (They hug.) Phoebe: You guys are here! Yay! Rachel: Hi! (Hugs Phoebe) Phoebe: (sees Rachel's face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you're Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.) Rachel: Pancho Vila? Phoebe: Yeah! (Motions to her face, indicating all of Rachel's "make-up.") Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don't... (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?! Ross: Hey, you wet my pants! Phoebe: Whoa, what kind of party was this? Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I can-you have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom) Ross: Rach! Wait! The men's room is that way. (Points in the other direction. Rachel hits him with her purse and heads for the ladies room.) (The old lady at Phoebe's machine wins. Phoebe turns around in shock.) Phoebe: Ugh! Ross: What? Phoebe: That's like the third time that lady's won on a machine I was playing. Ross: Oooohhh, I'll bet she's one of those people. Phoebe: M-M-Mole people? Ross: What? No-no, a lurker. Phoebe: Oh. What's a lurker? Ross: Okay when you're playing a machine and it hasn't paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up and then... Phoebe: Kills you? Ross: No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot. Phoebe: Ohhh! Ross: Uh-hmm. Phoebe: How do you know about this? Ross: My nana used to do it. That's how she paid for all my dance-karate lessons. Phoebe: Dance karate? Ross: Yes, it's a deadly but beautiful sport. (Does a karate chop, then does a little dance-type sway.) Rachel: (returning with her purse covering her face) All right, it won't come off! Ross: What?! Rachel: It won't come off! Ross: Oh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you sure? Rachel: No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on. Joey: (entering) Hey-hey-hey you made it! Ross: Joey!! Joey: All right! Hey-hey! Rachel: Hi!! Joey: Who's your friend? He's hot! (Ross laughs and Rachel smacks him with her purse.) Ross: (To Joey) Thanks man. Rachel: Hi. (She hugs Joey.) Ross: Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry about the movie. Joey: No, don't be sorry. I don't need it anymore. I found my identical hand twin! Ross: Your what? Joey: My identical hand twin! The person whose hands are exactly like mine! This thing is a gold mine! Ross: What?! That's not gonna make you any money! Joey: Okay. Well, if that's how you feel about it, fine! None of you get to live with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the thumb. [Scene: The craps table, Monica is on a big roll.] Monica: All right baby, come on! (Rolls the dice) Yes! Yes! I am on fire! Chandler: (walking by with his luggage) See you later Mon. Monica: Wait Chandler, what are you doing?! Chandler: What does it look like? I'm going home. Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! I'm sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don't want me to see Richard again, I won't! He means nothing to me! Chandler: Come on! I was there! (He's propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he's the love of your life. Monica: Not any more. Chandler: Really?! Monica: Really! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let's forget about this going home stuff and celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Okay, this is empty. Chandler: Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing. [Scene: A blackjack table, it's the same one Joey's hand twin was working at, only he's not there anymore and has been replaced by a beautiful woman.] Joey: (entering) Uhh, hey. Where's the other guy? The Woman Dealer: Which guy? Joey: He's kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks exactly like this. (Holds up his hand.) See? The Woman Dealer: I don't know about the hands, but the guy that was here before me just went to the bathroom. Joey: Okay! (Walks away, then turns back.) How you doin'? The Woman Dealer: Very busy. Joey: Right! Okay. (Heads for the bathroom.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn't they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it's just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer's at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn't and it's just one of those things TV writers just don't explain. Anyhoo...] Ross: (on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my friend's face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache. (Listens and laughs) Thank you. (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) No, she didn't think so. (Listens) I know it's like (turns and sees Rachel staring at him and quickly changes the subject) anyway, umm well make-up didn't cover it and we've tried everything to get it off and nothing's worked. What-what do we do? (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Oh! Okay. (Listens) Okay, thank you! (Rachel gets excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the phone) Yeah, it's not coming off. Rachel: What?! What else did he say? Ross: Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So...(Rachel stares at him.) Okay, look-look umm, let's just go downstairs, we'll have some fun, and you will forget all about it. Rachel: Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this! Ross: Oh, come on! Rach, it's-it's not that bad. Rachel: Ross, I am a human doodle!! Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you shouldn't have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons...of...freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear! (They both exit.) [Time lapse, they're both entering.] Ross: Okay, there was some staring and pointing. Rachel: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a beeline for the mini-bar.) Ross: Oh, hey y'know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it's all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big drink! Rachel: (she's finished reliving the fridge of its entire alcohol content.) Macadamia nut? Ross: (looking at the price list) Umm... Wow! That's-that's some pricey nut! Rachel: Hm-mmm! (Opens the container) Ross: Really like those Macadamia nuts, huh? Rachel: Nope! (She puts one in her mouth and spits it out, then does it again in another direction.) [Scene: The casino, Phoebe is playing on a slot machine. Suddenly the lurker sticks her head around the aisle of slot machines.] Phoebe: (seeing her) Get out of here you lurker! (She doesn't move) Go on! Get! (She throws a quarter at her.) Chandler: (arm-in-arm with Monica) Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Ohh! You made up! Monica: Yeah, I couldn't be mad at him for too long. Chandler: Yeah, she couldn't live without the Chan Love. (They start kissing.) Phoebe: Ohh, get a room. Monica: We have one. Phoebe: I know. Use it. [Scene: The Men's room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.] Joey: Oh-oh-oh, yeah! (He grabs some towels and takes them to him.) That's right, you take good care of those babies! Joey's Hand Twin: Excuse me? Joey: It's me, Joey! Joey's Hand Twin: Do I know you? Joey: (holds up his hand) Joey! Joey's Hand Twin: Oh-ho, yeah. Yeah, the hand guy. Joey: Okay, so what are we going to do about this hand twin thing?! Joey's Hand Twin: Nothing? Joey: Look, you and I have been given a gift. Okay? We have to do something with it. Like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA's gonna wanna talk to us! Joey's Hand Twin: (tries to leave) I have to get back to... Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show! Y'know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand! Joey's Hand Twin: That's okay. (Walks out.) Joey: (following him) But you haven't even heard the chorus! [Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, Ross is drinking a beer while Rachel is examining herself in the mirror.] Rachel: Oh my God, I'm starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel. Ross: (gets up) All right. Y'know what? We don't have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come on, come on, we'll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13. Rachel: Hit me! Ross: (does so) Oohh, 23. (Rachel looks at him.) Which is what we play to at this casino! You win 10 dollars! (Holds out a ten.) Rachel: I bet 20. Ross: You're right! (Gives her the twenty she won.) [Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler's with her and she has a huge crowd of people around.] Monica: (shaking the dice) A new pair of shoes for the Chan-Chan man! (Rolls the dice.) Yes! Chandler: Yes! I've-I've never seen a roll like this in my life! Monica: That's right baby! Okay, what do I want now? Chandler: Okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6? Monica: Pick a number! That is your only job! Chandler: 8. 8! Monica: Thank you! Chandler: If you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner! All: Yay!! The Croupier: 8! Monica: Yes! All: Yay!! Monica: (To Chandler) We're not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we? Chandler: Noo! Monica: Okay, good! Okay, what do I want now? Chandler: Ahh, ooh, try a hard 8. Monica: What? Chandler: Two fours. Monica: Okay. (Rolls the dice) The Croupier: 8!: A Drunken Gambler: (To Chandler) Don't you let her go! You're a lucky guy! Chandler: Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place. Monica: All right, biggest suite in the place. Come on! (Rolls the dice.) Chandler: (sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can't even remember what we were fighting about! Monica: Oh, that's because I had lunch with Rich-Me neither! Okay, what do I want now? Chandler: Another hard 8. Monica: Hard 8?! We should call it easy 8! Chandler: Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight. Drunken Gambler: Go! Come on! Roll! All: Roll-roll!! Monica: Shut up!! It just got interesting! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Craps table, continued from earlier.] Monica: What did you just say? Chandler: You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight. Monica: Are you serious?! Chandler: Yes! I love you! I've never loved anybody as much as I love you. Monica: I've never loved anybody as much as I love you. Chandler: Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must've been some movie I saw.} What do you say? Monica: Okay! Chandler: Okay! Come on! Let's go! All right! (She rolls the dice, but one bounces out of the table.) Chandler: (spots one) Okay! That's a four! And where-where's the other one? Drunken Gambler: It went under the table. Monica: Nobody move! (To Chandler) Okay, you look that way; I'll look this way! Chandler: All right! (He searches to his right; she searches to her left. They're both on their hands and knees when they spot the die. It's propped up against the table leg, and it's not lying flat. Both the four and the five are showing.) Chandler: Here it is! Here it is! Monica: That could be a four or a five. It's your call. (Pause.) Chandler: It's a four. Monica: I think so too. (Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time I think it's Perry Como, but I'm not sure. It's Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!) [Scene: The slot machines, Phoebe is still feeding quarters into the one-armed bandit as the lurker peeks over the top of the machines.] Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That's it! You and me, outside! The Lurker: I don't want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond hair! (They start smacking each other's cups, but Phoebe notices a security guard approaching.) Phoebe: Be cool! (They both pretend to have a nice conversation as the guard walks by, but after he leaves they both start fighting again.) Okay lady, your lurking days are over! The Lurker: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I'll be on your ass every hour of every day 'til Monday, because that's when I go home. When do you leave? The Lurker: Also Monday. Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab! [Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, they've pretty much consumed the entire mini-bar. Needless to say, they're feeling no pain and are still playing blackjack.] Rachel: Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (She slows down with each one.) Ross: (runs out of cards) We need more cards. Rachel: Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but stumbles a little bit.) Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up, without dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y'know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial! (They both start laughing. There's a knock on the door.) Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets up to answer it.) Joey: Hey! Ross: Ohh, it's Joey! I love Joey! (Hugs him.) Rachel: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! (Goes and hugs Joey.) Joey: Hi! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate! Ross: I'll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I'm your man. (He starts to sit down on the bed. There's one problem though, he's about two feet to the left of it. Needless to say, he misses and falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-whoa! Are you, are you okay? Joey: Yeah! I'm fine! Thanks! (He starts to leave, but gets an idea and stops.) Hey Rach, how you doin'? Rachel: I'm doin' good, baby. How you doin'? Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore! (Exits) Ross: Ohh, here's that Macadamia nut! Rachel: Ohhh!! Ross: (he puts it in his mouth) Nope! Something else. (Throws it back under the bed.) Rachel: Oops! All right, so what do you want to do now? Ross: I wanna get out of the room! Y'know, I...I really miss downstairs. Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There's only one way I'm leaving this hotel room. [Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.] Ross: Well hello! I'm Ross! Rachel: Good luck to ya! Ross: Excuse me sir, you've got a little something right here. (He points to the corner of his mouth and they both laugh.) (They've made their way to the statue of the naked man that Chandler was leaning against earlier.) Rachel: Wow! Ross: (bowing) Hello! Rachel: (bowing) Hello! Ross and Rachel: (bowing) Hello! (They both continue on and Ross meows like a cat.) [Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker's position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.] Phoebe: I won! I won! I finally won! The Lurker: I won! That was my quarter! Phoebe: Fine! Here! Take a hike toots! (Gives back her quarter.) (The security guard approaches.) The Lurker: (to the guard) Excuse me, sir! This lady played my quarter, this is my money. (Motions to the jackpot.) The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Is that true miss? Phoebe: (quietly) Sells drugs to kids. The Security Guard: What?! Phoebe: She sells drugs to kids. (The guard looks at the lurker.) The Lurker: It was my quarter! The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Was it her quarter? Phoebe: How about we talk about this over dinner? The Security Guard: Okay lady, you're out of here. Phoebe: No! No, you can't arrest me! No!! I won't go back! I won't go back to that hell hole!! The Security Guard: I'm just taking you outside! Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks out.) [Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.] Monica: Okay, come on, I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new. Monica: You're so efficient. I love you! Chandler: Let's go! (Starts to leave.) Monica: No-no-no! We need something old! Chandler: Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I've had since I was twelve. Monica: That'll work! Chandler: I don't think so. Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed! Chandler: (looks around) Here just...take this. (Hands her the sweater.) Monica: That's stealing! Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress. (She does so and it makes her look pregnant.) Monica: Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.) Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.) [Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who's dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! "Join me, and together we'll rule the universe as father and son!" (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in there-Ooh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don't have to see it!)] Joey: (sitting down) Ahhh! (Slides his hands across the table.) Joey's Hand Twin: Are you gonna play? Joey: No-no, I don't really have any money. Not yet, anyway... (Shakes his hands.) Joey's Hand Twin: You can't sit here if you're not gonna play. Joey: (throws down a small wad of money, and as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once again brings attention to their special gift to the world. {Y'know, looking at it now, they really don't have that similar of hands. Joey's are bigger.}) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him and he stops.) Phoebe: (entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I'm a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must've left it in conference room B. Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) 14. Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Phoebe: Oh my God! May I just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! They're identical! Now, I've never seen anything like that in the business world. Joey's Hand Twin: Stop it! Joey: Uhh, Ms. Phalange, may I ask you a question as an impartial person at-at this table? Joey's Hand Twin: Please stop it! Joey: Wouldn't you pay good money to see these identical hands showcased in some type of a uh, entertainment venue? Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it too you! (The security guard from before approaches and Phoebe tries to turn her back on him.) The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Didn't I just throw you out of here? Phoebe: No, you threw out Phoebe. I'm Ms. Regina Phalange. Phalange! The Security Guard: Come on, lady! (Starts to escort her out.) Joey's Hand Twin: Please, please take him too. (Motions to Joey.) Joey: Me?! Oh come on, man! You can't do this! Come on! (Being dragged out by the guard) I'm your hand twin!! [Scene: A Little White Chapel, Chandler and Monica are entering.] Chandler: Hello! One marriage please! Monica: Yep, we wanna get married! The Attendant: Well, there's a service in progress. Have a seat. Chandler and Monica: All right. (They both sit down.) Chandler: (singing) Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: Oh, that's The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out? Monica: No, only because that's the graduation song. (The real Wedding March begins playing from behind the closed doors of the chapel.) Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married! Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this? (Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!) Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.) Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.) (They storm out into the street.) Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay! (She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck as The King's (Elvis Presley to the yougin's) Viva, Las Vegas begins to play. Sing along with me now, "Viva! Las Vegas! Vivaaaaaa! Vivaaaaa! Las Vegassssss!!" Fade to Black.) Ending Credits

Plan: A: lunch; Q: What meal does Monica have with Richard? A: Joey; Q: Who does the gang go to Las Vegas to visit? A: Caesar's Palace; Q: Where does Joey work in Las Vegas? A: Ross; Q: Who sees Rachel naked? A: his apartment window; Q: What does Ross see Rachel through? A: a marker pen; Q: What does Ross use to draw a mustache on Rachel? A: a money-making opportunity; Q: What does Joey think his hand twin is? A: Phoebe feuds; Q: What does Phoebe do with a slots "lurker"? A: the casino; Q: Where does Phoebe get ejected from? A: "Regina Phalange; Q: What is Phoebe's alias? A: the wedding chapel; Q: Where do Chandler and Monica get married? Summary: Monica has lunch with Richard but does not tell Chandler. The gang goes to Las Vegas to visit Joey. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe find him working at Caesar's Palace while his movie is shut down. Ross sees Rachel naked through his apartment window, mistaking it as an invitation to "the physical act of love". On the plane to Vegas, Ross and Rachel needle each other; he draws a mustache on her with a marker pen while she is asleep. In Vegas, Ross and Rachel get drunk. Joey discovers his "identical hand twin" that he believes is a money-making opportunity to fund his movie. Phoebe feuds with a slots "lurker" and gets ejected from the casino, though she returns as "Regina Phalange". Chandler and Monica decide to get married. At the wedding chapel, Ross and Rachel drunkenly stumble out of the chapel ahead of them.

5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. JUNGLE SUSAN: (Screaming.) Go away. Go away! (BARBARA approaches her.) BARBARA: Susan! SUSAN: (Panicking.) Oh, go back! BARBARA: What is it? SUSAN: Oh, don't stay here! (IAN, SABETHA and ALTOS come running up to join them. SUSAN visibly relaxes.) SUSAN: It's stopped. BARBARA: Well what did you see? IAN: What's the matter? BARBARA: Susan, answer me. SUSAN: Well didn't you hear it? (The others look blank.) ALTOS: There could be animals in this jungle around us. SUSAN: No. No, it wasn't anything like that. IAN: Well now, take it easy, Susan, and try and tell us what it was you heard. SUSAN: Well it was... It... It was horrible! (She falls into BARBARA'S arms and begins sobbing.) BARBARA: She'll tell us in time. (IAN nods and moves off to join ALTOS and SABETHA who are exploring the jungle.) BARBARA: Look Susan, whatever it was, it's gone now. SUSAN: I did hear it, you know. BARBARA: Yes. (Behind them, ALTOS has found an old stone wall behind the dense foliage.) SABETHA: This is a dead place. IAN: Yes, it's a bit quiet, isn't it? SABETHA: That isn't quite what I meant. ALTOS: The key must be on the other side of this wall. IAN: Yes. (Points.) There's some sort of an archway. (They move over to look at it. It is almost completely blocked by vegetation.) IAN: Look at these creepers! ALTOS: Some of them almost as thick as small trees. (A few feet away, SUSAN and BARBARA are still talking.) SUSAN: A-a-and was grandfather all right? BARBARA: Yes. SUSAN: I didn't want to stay until the last possible moment. I ... I don't like to say goodbye. BARBARA: No, I know. (SABETHA and ALTOS are trying in vain to move the creepers aside.) SABETHA: I suppose we could cut them down. IAN: Not unless we have to. Take us the best part of a day to hack that little lot down. The best thing we can do is take a walk round these walls. ALTOS: Oh yes, that would be wise. Then we might find another entrance. SABETHA: I'll go with you. BARBARA: Ian. Susan and I will stay here. IAN: All right. We won't be long anyway. BARBARA: We'll look around for some branches and things in case we have to force our way through that arch. IAN: That's a good idea but don't do anything until we get back, eh? BARBARA: All right. IAN: (To ALTOS and SABETHA.) Come on, let's try this way. (They march off.) BARBARA: (Looking after them.) I do wish Ian wouldn't treat us like Dresden China. SUSAN: (Laughing slightly.) I think it's nice the way he looks after us all the time. BARBARA: (Smiling.) Yes, I know. But just once in a while... SUSAN: ...You rebel. BARBARA: Yes. How are you feeling now? SUSAN: (Embarrassed.) Oh, I'm alright, thank you. BARBARA: Susan, what did happen? SUSAN: ...Well it was a sound, a noise, like ... like tapping and ... and whirring mixed up with a sort of screeching. I ... I've heard it before. BARBARA: Where? SUSAN: Well that's just it, I can't remember. I ... I just recognise it as ... being something evil. (BARBARA goes to examine the wall.) BARBARA: You know, I've never seen vegetation as dense as this before. It'll overrun the building in time. (SUSAN sits down on the jungle floor.) SUSAN: Do you think the key's inside, Barbara? BARBARA: Oh yes, it must be. It's a funny old place, isn't it? SUSAN: Yes. (SUSAN lies down. A short distance from her, one of the creepers begins to move of its own accord.) BARBARA: You know, in a few years these walls will be so weak you could push your way through. (The creeper begins to move towards SUSAN.) BARBARA: You know Susan, looking at this archway, I'm not at all sure... (The creeper has by now reached SUSAN'S leg but she simply kicks at it idly. BARBARA continues, oblivious.) BARBARA: ... it isn't half as dense as it looks. I'm sure we could get through. (SUSAN turns round and sees the creeper wrapped round her ankle.) SUSAN: (Screaming.) Aah ... aah! Barbara! Barbara! My leg... (BARBARA pulls the creeper off and smashes at it with a rock.) SUSAN: It was alive! It was alive!...snake crawling all over me! BARBARA: (Soothing.) No, no, it must've fallen on you from the trees. SUSAN: (Hysterical.) No it didn't, it's ... it's alive! BARBARA: (Firmly.) Now stop it, Susan, stop it! SUSAN: It was trying to twine all round me! (She breaks off into sobs as BARBARA hugs her.) BARBARA: Look, it was just your imagination. (SUSAN recovers herself.) SUSAN: I'm sorry. BARBARA: It couldn't move by itself. You know it couldn't. SUSAN: No. BARBARA: Come on. Over here and help me at the archway. (She helps SUSAN to her feet and over to the archway.) BARBARA: You know, you ... you'll frighten me if you go on like this. SUSAN: Oh, look, you can move some of these back quite easily. (She brushes back some of the undergrowth.) BARBARA: Yes, I thought so. (She steps through the gap that SUSAN has made...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. PASSAGEWAY ( ... and into a narrow passageway surrounded either side and above by more plants.) SUSAN: (OOV.) What is it? BARBARA: I'm not sure. It's so dark in here. There's a ... a statue at the end of the tunnel, a, an idol or something. [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. JUNGLE (SUSAN peers in from the other end.) SUSAN: Be careful, Barbara. (BARBARA does not reply.) SUSAN: Barbara! ... Barbara! ... Are you all right? [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. PASSAGEWAY (BARBARA is venturing up the passageway adorned with classic statues that ends in a huge carved image. It resembles a sitting Buddha with a face that has a crude resemblance to a human being but with large spiked hair. Its arms are outstretched.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. JUNGLE SUSAN: Oh please don't go any further! (BARBARA calls back.) BARBARA: (OOV.) It's alright , I can see it now. It's a big, grotesque statue. (IAN comes up to the archway.) IAN: Ah, there's no other way in, Susan. SUSAN: Oh Ian, thank goodness you're here. IAN: What? (He looks around.) Where's Barbara? SUSAN: She's gone down here. IAN: What...? Barbara! What are you doing? I told you to wait until we got back. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. PASSAGEWAY BARBARA: I thought there was a way through. (She runs up to the huge statue.) BARBARA: (Excited.) Ian, look! The key, the micro-circuit, I've found it! (It is sitting on the head of the statue.) IAN: (OOV.) Hang on, I'm coming! BARBARA: No no, it's all right. I can reach it. (She clambers onto the lap of the statue.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. JUNGLE (ALTOS and SABETHA return.) ALTOS: What's happening? IAN: Barbara's found the micro-key! ALTOS: Oh! SABETHA: Wonderful! ALTOS: (To BARBARA.) Can you manage? [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. PASSAGEWAY BARBARA: Yes, I... I think I've got it. (BARBARA manages to reach the key but as she takes it there is a grinding of gears and the arms of the statue close in around BARBARA'S legs.) BARBARA: (Screaming.) Ian! Help me! [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. JUNGLE IAN: (Alarmed.) Barbara! [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. PASSAGEWAY BARBARA: Help me! (The statue is in an alcove that rotates on a pivot taking both the statue and BARBARA round the other side of the wall, leaving a blank wall in its place. Moments later IAN and ALTOS run up to the same spot. IAN tries in vain to move the wall back round.) IAN: You see what happened? ALTOS: Yes. Is there no break in the wall? Perhaps there's a hidden spring. IAN: Well if there is, I can't find it. ALTOS: Well we must get inside. IAN: Yes, but how? Oh, let's get out in the open, I can't think in here. (IAN runs back out. ALTOS glances down at the ground and picks something up. It is the key that BARBARA found.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. JUNGLE (IAN emerges from the archway to SUSAN and SABETHA'S enquiring stares.) IAN: Barbara's disappeared. That... idol thing was on some sort of a pivot. SUSAN: Oh no. (ALTOS joins them.) ALTOS: At least we've found the micro-key. IAN: Oh, I don't care about that now. The only thing that matters is getting Barbara out of there. ALTOS: Yes, I agree. Here Sabetha, you'd better take this. Keep it with the other and keep it safe. SABETHA: Thank you. (She takes the key and puts it on the chain around her neck with the other one.) SABETHA: Look, I don't want to raise false hopes but perhaps things aren't as bad as they seem. IAN: What do you mean? SABETHA: Well Barbara was wearing her travel dial, wasn't she? SUSAN: Yes, none of us have taken them off. SABETHA: Then as long as she wasn't injured when she was trapped, she can escape whenever she wants. IAN: It's a possibility. ALTOS: Well, I'm sure she would've thought of that. IAN: Yes, of course. But she may not have taken advantage of it yet. Anything might've happened to her. SABETHA: But if she was in danger, she'd have to use her travel dial. (The grinding of gears it heard again. SUSAN rushes to the archway.) SUSAN: It's turning again. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. PASSAGEWAY (The wall rotates and the statue re-emerges but there is no sign of BARBARA.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. JUNGLE SUSAN: Now the arms are open. ALTOS: Well that means it either must've released her or she's escaped. IAN: She may have been injured, or even... SABETHA: But if she used her travel dial and has gone on to the next destination, we don't know what danger she may be in there. IAN: No. Well we must cover all possibilities to the best of our abilities. You'd better go on ahead with Susan and Altos. ALTOS: Yes, that's wise, I think it is the wisest course. SUSAN: Ian, what are you going to do? IAN: I'm going back in there. If that idol works once as a trap there's no reason why it shouldn't work again. Once inside, well if there's no sign of Barbara, I'll follow you as quickly as I can. ALTOS: Well if that's settled there's no point in delaying. You ready, Sabetha? Susan? SUSAN: Can't I come with you, Ian? IAN: No Susan, better not. SABETHA: We'll wait for you, Ian. ALTOS: And I'll be your guardian, Susan. (He holds out his hand and SUSAN takes it.) IAN: Look after her, Altos. ALTOS: Take care, my friend. SUSAN: Goodbye, Ian. IAN: Good luck. (SABETHA drops the key as the others disappear. IAN picks it up and hands it to her.) IAN: Here. You'd better put this on your chain with the other one. We don't want you losing it somewhere in outer space. SABETHA: That would be terrible. There. I think that's safe enough. (She looks at it more closely.) SABETHA: This isn't it! IAN: What? SABETHA: It's just an imitation. Look, Ian. This edge is a fraction shorter. IAN: Are you absolutely sure? I mean, isn't it possible that there was some ... genuine variation in the original micro-keys? SABETHA: No. They all look absolutely identical, so this one must be an imitation. IAN: (Sighs.) We're no further on than when we arrived here. SABETHA: Do you want me to stay with you? IAN: No. You go on ahead with the others. They'll be worried already. Tell them what happened and tell them I'll follow as soon as I've found the real micro-key. SABETHA: Please be careful. IAN: I will. Off you go. (She does so. IAN makes for the archway.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. PASSAGEWAY (He comes up to the statue and stands in the same position as BARBARA. Sure enough, the statue holds him in position and rotates again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. COURTYARD (IAN emerges on the other side of the wall and the statue releases him. He is in a courtyard full of plants and statues that is all overgrown. He moves forward in front of a statue of a WARRIOR holding an axe in order to have a look around. He treads on a loose paving stone and a grinding noise begins. He looks around for the source unaware that it is the WARRIOR statue behind him, lifting up the axe. BARBARA emerges from round a corner and sees it.) BARBARA: Ian, behind you! (IAN ducks out of the way as the axe hurtles to the ground. He runs over to BARBARA.) BARBARA: You not hurt? IAN: No, just a bit shaken. Barbara, if you hadn't shouted... BARBARA: Never mind about that now. Ian, I've been so frightened. If you hadn't turned up in another half an hour, I was going to turn the travel dial. IAN: I'm glad you didn't. That micro-key you found, it was a fake! BARBARA: What? IAN: Yes. The real one must be in here somewhere. BARBARA: Then I warn you, its not going to be easy to find. IAN: Oh? BARBARA: This whole place is one big booby trap. It's full of things like that statue. I'd only been here a minute when part of the wall crashed down just where I'd been standing. IAN: Well we'll take it very slowly. (He looks at a doorway in the building across the courtyard.) IAN: That doorway looks a good place to start. Any idea where it leads to? BARBARA: No. Into the building I suppose. IAN: Well that's a likely place to hide a key. Come on. BARBARA: You know, these vines are everywhere. They seem to be crawling all over the building. IAN: Not only the vines. It's all vegetation. Look at that wall! (He points at another of the walls that is completely covered by bushes.) BARBARA: Seems to be trying to get in... (IAN looks at her sharply.) IAN: Let's get the micro-key and get out of here. (They try to open the door but it is stuck. IAN tries to force it.) IAN: Oh, it looks as if we're going to have to break this door down. (He pushes against it again.) No, it's pretty solid. (He hits the door and then looks round his surroundings.) IAN: I shall need something to... I wish I could... BARBARA: I saw some iron bars in an alcove down there. (She points to another part of the courtyard. IAN heads for it. BARBARA stands, waiting, unaware that a creeper is silently descending near her head.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. BUILDING. ROOM (DARRIUS, an old bearded man wearing robes similar to ARBITAN'S peers through a gap in a barred window within the building. He leaves his position and goes out through a door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. COURTYARD (The door opens, seemingly of its own accord. BARBARA turns round and sees it but remains oblivious to the creeper which hurriedly withdraws. She looks briefly through the open door.) BARBARA: (Calling.) Ian! Ian! (IAN is examining the bars in an alcove.) IAN: I'll be right with you. (BARBARA enters the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. BUILDING. HALLWAY (BARBARA moves cautiously through the building. Suddenly a net falls on her. She screams as she is dragged to the floor. Above her the ceiling of the hallway, covered with daggers protruding from it, begins to descend towards her. She screams even louder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. COURTYARD (IAN reacts in alarm. He quickly tries to wrench out one of the bars but it is attached to a chain. A portcullis falls over the alcove, trapping him completely. BARBARA calls.) BARBARA: (OOV.) Ian! Ian! (He attempts to use another bar to force two bars apart.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. BUILDING. HALLWAY (The daggers get closer.) BARBARA: (Calling.) Help me, Ian! Help me! (Through the open door, the feet of DARRIUS appear ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. COURTYARD (IAN is having no success in forcing the bars.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. BUILDING. HALLWAY (As is it is about to reach BARBARA, the ceiling suddenly stops, then withdraws. BARBARA looks up to see DARRIUS standing over her.) DARRIUS: Why have you come in search of the keys? (BARBARA struggles against the net.) BARBARA: Help me! DARRIUS: Who are you? What interest have you in the keys? BARBARA: Look, I ... I can't talk to you like this. Let me go. DARRIUS: Are you a Voord? You do not resemble their race and yet... BARBARA: Arbitan sent us. DARRIUS: That is a lie. BARBARA: No, its true, he ... he was alone on the island, he couldn't send anyone else. DARRIUS: How can you prove it? BARBARA: I don't know. Look, where's Ian. What have you done to him? DARRIUS: (Persisting.) How can you prove that Arbitan sent you? BARBARA: Oh, the travel dial. On my wrist. (BARBARA manages to get her hand out of the net. DARRIUS removes the travel dial.) DARRIUS: I will examine this ... and if it is set correctly with the proper journey programmed, I shall know that you speak the truth. Only Arbitan could set your complete journey. (He goes through the door to the other room. BARBARA tries calling after him.) BARBARA: Er, what have you done with Ian? [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. COURTYARD (IAN is still struggling. Suddenly one of the bars falls out. Smiling in surprise he quickly slips though.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. BUILDING. ROOM (DARRIUS is standing by the barred window struggling with a creeper that has come through the gap and shouting weakly.) DARRIUS: Help me! Oh, help me! Help me! Help me! [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. BUILDING. HALLWAY (DARRIUS' shouting can be heard as BARBARA struggles to get the net off her.) DARRIUS: (OOV.) Help me! (IAN rushes in.) IAN: Barbara! DARRIUS: (OOV.) Help me! IAN: Are you alright? BARBARA: Yes. (IAN helps remove the net.) DARRIUS: (OOV.) Help me! BARBARA: In there. (She stands up.) IAN: What? DARRIUS: (OOV.) Help me! BARBARA: In here. (She points to the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. BUILDING. ROOM (IAN and BARBARA enter and see DARRIUS struggling.) DARRIUS: Help! Help me! (IAN tries to snap the creeper but it is too strong. Finding a stick on a nearby table, he beats the creeper until it lets go. The two of them lead him over to a bed where he collapses.) DARRIUS: (Gasping.) It's coming again. The jungle is coming, when the whispering starts. It's death, I tell you, death ... [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. BUILDING. ROOM (LATER) (BARBARA is sitting by DARRIUS' still form while IAN is peering out of the window.) BARBARA: He's coming round, Ian. (IAN comes over.) BARBARA: Ian, I think he's dying. DARRIUS: You must not ... stay here. IAN: Listen to me. Where is the micro-key? We're looking for it. Do you understand? Arbitan sent us. DARRIUS: Has Arbitan sent someone at last? IAN: Yes. DARRIUS: The idol... (Choking.) I put a false key on its head. BARBARA: Yes, I found it. DARRIUS: I know...system of mirrors. When the false key was taken ... I put my ... traps in motion. Only those ... warned by Arbitan could avoid them. BARBARA: He's getting weaker, Ian. I wish there was something I could do, I...I feel so helpless! DARRIUS: I haven't long to live, have I? IAN: You must trust us. Tell us. Where is the micro-key? DARRIUS: Closer... (IAN leans closer.) DARRIUS: D-E-three-O-two. IAN: What do you mean? I don't understand. DARRIUS: (He looks round in fright.) Quickly, the darkness, the whispering will start ... (He falls back and stops moving. BARBARA covers him with the blanket. After a brief pause she moves over to a door on the other side of the room.) BARBARA: He pointed to this door. What do ... do the numbers and the letters mean? IAN: I don't know. Could be the combination to a safe. Let's go and see. (They go through the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. BUILDING. LABORATORY (IAN and BARBARA find themselves in a laboratory, the tables of which are full of books and all kinds of plants. They stare around in amazement and BARBARA eyes fall upon a safe.) BARBARA: Ian, you were right, it is a safe! IAN: And a combination one at that! BARBARA: Er... BARBARA & IAN: D-E-three-O-two. (IAN examines the lock.) IAN: Hello, it's only got the letters on. Perhaps the figures were the number of turns. BARBARA: Yes, try it. IAN: I'll try it, yes. (IAN reads out the letters and numbers as he turns.) IAN: D, E, (Three turns of the lock.) 1, 2, 3, O, (Two turns of the lock) 1, 2. (He tries to turn the handle on the door.) IAN: It doesn't work. You sure we got it right? BARBARA: Yes, certain. IAN: Try again. (He retries the combination.) D, E, 1, 2, 3, O, 1, 2. (Still nothing happens.) IAN: No, no, it doesn't work. Well I suppose he could have hidden the combination somewhere. BARBARA: Yes, I suppose so. There's also a possibility that he didn't mean the safe at all. Judging by the traps and decoys around here, I should think the obvious hiding place is the least likely. IAN: Hmm, we must go over this room inch by inch, eliminating everything but the safe. And if we haven't found it, it must be in here. BARBARA: I'll start over here. (They begin to look around ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. BUILDING. LABORATORY (LATER) (Unsuccessful in her search, BARBARA is sitting down as IAN leafs through a book.) BARBARA: Ian, I've been trying to think back. What did he mean "darkness, the whispering will begin"? Whispering? I wonder if that's what Susan heard? IAN: I don't know, I think he was rambling. It didn't mean anything. (He holds the book up.) IAN: I'm hoping to find a lead in here. It's a diary of his experiments. BARBARA: Oh, what was he working on? IAN: Biology seems to have been his field as far as I can make out. BARBARA: Well, judging by the specimens in here, I'd say he was very successful. IAN: Yes. Last couple of entries are a bit strange. All about the balance of nature and increased destructive forces. Listen to this. "Nature has a fixed tempo of destruction, water dripping on a stone may take a thousand years to produce any sign of wear." BARBARA: Well that's not very original. IAN: It is if you could speed up everything. The wear on the stone could happen in one day. BARBARA: But that's ridiculous! IAN: Is it? He didn't seem to think so. He ends up by saying, "The growth accelerator has changed nature's tempo of destruction entirely." (BARBARA stands up.) BARBARA: Yes, well that may all be very fascinating ... but we are supposed to be looking for the combination to that safe. IAN: (Laughing.) All right, all right. (They resume rummaging through the equipment. IAN picks up another book. BARBARA looks through a shuttered window.) BARBARA: You know, it's quite dark outside. (She comes over to IAN and picks up another book.) BARBARA: Have you looked through this one? IAN: No. (She opens it and begins reading. Quietly at first, the screeching noise that SUSAN heard earlier begins to build up. They look up in surprise.) IAN: What's that? BARBARA: I don't know, it sounds like whis... (IAN stands up in alarm.) BARBARA: (Realises and is shocked.) Whispering! He said it would begin when darkness came. This must be what Susan heard. IAN: Well, what's causing it? BARBARA: Shh! Listen! (They pause as the sound continues.) BARBARA: It's like someone trying to get in! IAN: You said that when we were outside, about the jungle! BARBARA: (Panicked.) But it couldn't, Ian. It couldn't! IAN: Look! (He points to the window where several creepers, much larger than the ones before are beginning to force the bars apart, knocking specimen jars over as they enter the room.) IAN: Oh Barbara, don't you see? That's what he meant, the tempo of destruction! I mean, normally it would take fifty or a hundred years for the jungle to overrun this place. Now the whole process has been accelerated! BARBARA: You mean the jungle is attacking us? (They back away from the window as it breaks, allowing the creepers in. Suddenly BARBARA screams as one of them wraps itself round her leg. The two of them desperately try to unwind it and in the struggle, IAN knocks over a jar. Casting the creeper aside he sees a label on the jar reading "NH4NO3".) IAN: (Excitedly.) Look, Barbara! Of course, it's a chemical formula! DE3O2! The micro-key's in one of these jars. Come on, quick! Let's find it! (They each rush to the two different sets of shelves containing similar jars and looking desperately as the jungle surges in around them. Suddenly BARBARA comes across a jar with the correct label on it of "DE3O2". She pours the contents of it onto the shelf and, among a powder, is the genuine second key.) BARBARA: Ian, the key! (She takes it over to IAN. The room is now full of twitching creepers and their screams fill the air.) IAN: Barbara, you've found it! Let's get out of here quickly. Turn your travel dial. Now! Now! [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. TUNDRA (IAN and BARBARA are in a frozen tundra with snow on the ground. It is obviously freezing, a howling wind blows and they huddle together for warmth as they fall to the ground.) BARBARA: Oh, it must be far below zero! IAN: Barbara, this wind's going right through me. We must move! BARBARA: No, I can't. I, I can't move, Ian. I'm ... I'm too cold. IAN: Barbara, we've got to. We must move! If we don't find shelter we don't stand a chance!

Plan: A: The TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's time machine? A: Marinus; Q: What is the name of the planet? A: glass; Q: What is the island made of? A: acid; Q: What is the sea made of? A: the elderly Arbitan; Q: Who forces the travelers to retrieve the keys? A: Arbitan; Q: Who is the keeper of the Conscience of Marinus? A: Voord; Q: What is the name of the race of warriors that Yartek leads? A: its originally benevolent mind-influencing power; Q: What is the original purpose of the Conscience of Marinus? Summary: The TARDIS arrives on the planet Marinus on an island of glass surrounded by a sea of acid. The travellers are forced by the elderly Arbitan to retrieve four of the five operating keys to a machine called the Conscience of Marinus, of which he is the keeper. These have been hidden in different locations around the planet to prevent them falling into the hands of the evil Yartek and his Voord warriors, who plan to seize the machine and use its originally benevolent mind-influencing power for their own sinister purposes.

[Mystic Falls' Hospital] (Elena rejoins Matt] Matt: How's Mr. Saltzman? Elena: Resigned to spending the night in observation, so long as I promise to change the lock on the house. So I talked with Bonnie earlier. Her and her mom are fine (While they wlak, someone is watching them from behind a window) Elena: Have you talked to Caroline? Matt: Yeah. She's holding it together, considering how close she and her dad used to be. Any word on who was behind all these attacks? Elena: No. Sheriff Forbes said that there's no real suspects at all. (Elena and Matt are in the parking lot) Elena: How are you dealing with everything? I mean, you keep getting dragged into all this Matt: Honestly... I'm kind of lucky. The only thing that I have to worry about for tomorrow is showing up for my shift at the Grill Elena: Thank you for everything today. Really Matt: Get home safe Elena: Thanks (He goes to his car and leaves. Elena enters her car and drives but she hits something. She immediately goes out of the car to see what she just hit but there's nothing. When she turns herself she's face to face with Rebekah) Rebekah: What? Drive much? Elena: Rebekah... (Rebekah strangles her and pushes her against the car) Rebekah: Surprised? You drove a dagger through my back, Elena. It hurt (She's about to bite her but Elijah catches her and pushes her against the car, strangling her) Rebekah: Elijah Elijah: Leave (He realeases her. Rebekah looks at him) Elijah: Are you challenging me? Rebekah: You're pathetic (She looks at Elena) Rebekah: Both of you (She leaves. Elijah looks at Elena) Elijah: Well... I believe we have a little catching up to do [Gilbert's House] (Elena is in the kitchen with Stefan and Damon) Elena: It was their mother Esther who was sealed in that coffin Stefan: As in the original witch? Damon: What? How is she even alive? I thought her hybrid freak show of a son ripped her heart out a thousand years ago Elena: I don't know. I'm guessing she has a couple of connections in the witching community. Elijah said that she wants to live in peace with her family, including Klaus Stefan: She was supposed to be the weapon to help us kill Klaus Elena: Yeah, well, not anymore. At least, not according to Elijah Stefan: That coffin was the only thing stopping Klaus from tearing us to shreds Damon: Anyone else feeling a little used right now? Elena: Look, Elijah promised me that his family wouldn't hurt any of us. I believe him (Someone knocks on the door. Elena goes to the door and opens it. She looks around but no one's here. She sees an envelope with her name on it. She takes it. Stefan and Damon are here. She opens it. It's an invitation) Damon: What is it? Elena: It's an invitation (She reads it) Elena: "Please join the Mikaelson family this evening at seven o'clock for dancing, cocktails, and celebration." Stefan: Who the hell are the Mikaelsons? Elena: The original family Damon: It's not bad enough they're moving into town. Now they want a housewarming gift? (Elena turns the invite and sees a note from Esther) Elena: Wait. There's a note on the back. "Elena, I think it's time we finally meet. Esther" [Klaus' House] (The originals are getting ready. Kol is looking at himself in the mirror) Kol: Rebekah, tell me how handsome I am Rebekah: Ah, Kol, you know I can't be compelled (Finn smiles. Klaus enters, angry) Klaus: You went after Elena? What is wrong with you? Rebekah: Here we go Klaus: Do you want another dagger in your heart? Kol: Again with the dagger threats? Don't you have any other tricks? (Klaus looks at him) Klaus: Oh, go back to staring at yourself Kol: And who are you, my father? Klaus: No, Kol, but you're in my house Kol: Then perhaps we should go outside (Esther arrives) Esther: Enough! Niklaus, come (Klaus rejoins her and they go in another room) Klaus: Rebekah wasn't even out of her box a day before she tried to ruin my life. What happened to peace, acceptance, family? Esther: You put daggers in their hearts. You want them to go down on their knees and kiss your feet for reuniting them? Klaus: So it's a crime to want our family to be as we were? Esther: You need to give it time, Niklaus. I've had a thousand years on the other side to be angry and to heal. I'm here to make sure this family does the same Klaus: I just don't understand. I killed you, and still you forgive me Esther: It's been my dream for a thousand years that this family could be as one. Forgiveness is not a chore. It's a gift. Now, who are you bringing to the ball this evening? (He smiles) Klaus: Don't be ridiculous. You're lucky I'm even going Esther: Well, I wish you would reconsider. It's going to be a magical evening [Gilbert's House] Elena: If Esther wants to talk to me, maybe I should find out why Damon: Well, that's a dumb idea. She already tried to kill you once Stefan: No, Elena's right. Bonnie was led to open that coffin for a reason. I think there's more to this than just some family reunion Damon: Can we go back in time to the old Stefan who cared if Elena lived or died? Stefan: What for? That's your job now Elena: Stefan has a point, Damon. I should find out what she wants Damon: You can't protect yourself Stefan: Ok, fine. Then I'll go Damon: You pissed off enough originals to last a lifetime. I'll go (He takes the invite from Elena's hands) Elena: Hey! Damon: End of story (He leaves. Stefan and Elena look at each other) [Caroline's House] (Caroline looks at her phone and listen a voicemail from Tyler) Tyler: Caroline, it's Tyler. I know I should have called sooner. I just kind of freaked out and left. But I heard about your dad, and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Caroline. I'm out doing what he said. I'm going to fix myself and come home to you. I love you (She hangs up. Someone knocks on the door. She goes at the door but nobody's here. She sees a package. She takes it and goes to her bedroom. She sees the invite and turns it. There's a note from Klaus "Save me a dance. Fondly, Klaus") Caroline: Seriously? (She opens the package. There's a beautiful dress) [Mystic Grill] (Caroline and Elena are sitting at a table) Elena: It's all so weird. The originals are throwing a ball, like an actual ball Caroline: It's some twisted Cinderella fetish is what it is. And why does the evil witch wants an audience with you? Elena: I have no idea. There's only one way to find out Caroline: I thought you told Damon and Stefan that you weren't going Elena: I did, which is all the more reason why I need a drama-free bodyguard Caroline: Well, I think a Salvatore would look a lot better in a tux, and by that, I mean Stefan Elena: I can't deal with either of the Salvatores right now. Whatever Stefan's feeling, he's channeling it all against Klaus, and Damon... it's just not a good idea Caroline: Why? 'Cause you two made out? Bonnie spilled the beans Elena: I was gonna tell you. It's just after everything happened with your dad... Caroline: Elena, when you and Matt kissed for the first time freshman year, you called me the second it happened. I don't hear about this till now? From somebody else? Elena: I'm sorry. It's just I... I don't even know how I feel about it yet. All I do know is that... Just used to be so much easier (Rebekah arrives) Rebekah: Careful, Caroline. It's all well and good till she stabs you in the back Elena: What are you doing here? I know your mom's rules. No hurting the locals Rebekah: Get over yourself, Elena. It's not all about you (She rejoins Matt and gives him an invitation. Caroline and Elena look at them) Caroline: Oh, my god. She's inviting him to the ball. Why is she inviting him? Elena: Probably to get this reaction from us Caroline: What time is this stupid dance? [Klaus' House] (It's the ball. Everyone is dressed up. Damon rejoins Carol) Damon: Hello, Carol Carol: Hello Damon: Hanging out with your new besties? Carol: I'm the mayor, Damon. When the oldest, deadliest family of vampires moves into your town, you welcome them with a smile Damon: Well, at least you know who you're borrowing that cup of sugar from Carol: They've assured me they want peace, and I've assured them that I'd enforce it (Kol rejoins them and kisses Carol's hand) Kol: Mayor Lockwood. We haven't formally met. Kol Mikaelson. I hope your lovely town embraces us just as much as we plan to embrace it Damon: Damon Salvatore. Have we met? Kol: I've met a lot of people, And you don't particularly stand out (He leaves. Elena arrives . Damon looks at her) Damon: Excuse me Carol (Stefan rejoins Elena) Stefan: What are you doing here? Elena: I could ask you the same thing (Damon rejoins them) Damon: Surprise, surprise. Nice tux (He looks at Elena) Damon: You're not supposed to be here Elena: Well, I am, And I'm not leaving until I find out what Esther wants, so shall we? (Stefan gives her his arm. She looks at Damon. He does the same. They enter) [Caroline's House] (Caroline is looking into her wardrobe but doesn't find anything. She looks at Klaus's box, containing the dress) [Klaus's House] (Klaus is speaking with a woman. He sees Caroline and looks at her) Klaus: Good evening Caroline: I need a drink (She leaves) (Elena is at the bar. Finn rejoins her) Finn: Elena Gilbert, I presume. I'm Finn Mikaelson. You're here to see my mother Elena: Is she here? Finn: Her request did not include your friends Elena: They're protecting me. You may not know, but your mother's already tried to kill me once Finn: If you want to see my mother, you'll need to be alone Elijah: Uh, if everyone could gather, please Finn: Excuse me (He leaves) (Everyone gathers in the hall. The originals are gathered in the stairs) Elijah: Welcome. Thank you for joining us. You know, whenever my mother brings our family together like this, it's tradition for us to commence the evening with a dance (Esther rejoins them. Damon and Stefan look at her) Damon: Do you see who I see? Stefan: Oh, yeah Elijah: Tonight's pick is a centuries-old waltz, so if all of you could please find yourselves a partner, please join us in the ballroom (Elena sees Esther going upstairs. She goes toward the stairs but Damon stops her) Damon: Don't even think about it Elena: She wants to see me alone, Damon Damon: Well, it sucks to be her, then. Was I not clear this morning? Elena: I was invited Damon: You have to tell me before you walk into a lion's den Elena: Why? So that you can stop me? Damon: Yes (He raises his hand) Damon: It would be rude not to dance, you know Elena: It is tradition (She takes his arm and they leave. Stefan looks at them) (Everyone is in the ballroom, dancing the waltz) Damon: You look stunning, if it isn't obvious Elena: Thank you (Caroline is dancing with Klaus. She looks at Matt and Rebekah, dancing together) Klaus: I'm glad you came Caroline: Well, it was either caviar or sympathy casseroles Klaus: I heard about your father Caroline: Don't. Seriously Klaus: Very well. On to more mannered subjects then, like how ravishing you look in that dress Caroline: I didn't really have time to shop Klaus: And the bracelet I gave you, what's your excuse for wearing that? You know, you're quite the dancer Caroline: Well, I've had training. I happen to be miss Mystic Falls Klaus: i know (Damon and Elena are still dancing. He makes her turn and then Stefan catches her and they dance) Elena: He dances, and I didn't even have to beg Stefan: Well, mayor Lockwood dragged me out here. Couldn't exactly say no (Caroline is now dancing with Matt) Caroline: What are you doing? Why are you here with the she devil? Matt: What was I supposed to say, no? And why the hell are you here with Klaus? Caroline: Don't even get me started (Elena and Stefan are still dancing) Stefan: Took you about 30 seconds to put Damon in a mood Elena: He's just looking out for me Stefan: I think he needs to figure out that you can look out for yourself (She whispers in his hear) Elena: I need to talk to you Stefan: Ok, so talk Elena: I... not here (They leave) (Damon is dancing with Rebekah. She's looking at Caroline and Matt, who are dancing together) Damon: Stop staring. It's creepy Rebekah: Of course she looks beautiful. Nik gave her everything she's wearing Damon: Well, you're no dog yourself Rebekah: Was that supposed to be a compliment? Damon: You tried to kill Elena last night. You don't get compliments Rebekah: Caveman (He looks around) Damon: Where is Elena? (Stefan and Elena are outside) Elena: If Esther's secretly on our side, we need to know, but I can't get to her with 2 bodyguards Stefan: Why are you telling me this? Elena: Because Damon won't let me anywhere near her without protection, and you care about killing Klaus more than you care about anything, so... What? Am I wrong? Stefan: No, you're not wrong. What do you need me to do? Elena: Make sure that I can get into that room with Esther alone Stefan: You sure you can do this? Elena: I can do this. When we were together, you used to let me make my own decisions. You trusted me. After all this, at least that hasn't changed (Kol rejoins Rebekah) Kol: Where's your date? Rebekah: Flirting with his ex Kol: You've changed, Becca. You know, settling for mortals is the first sign of weakness Rebekah: I'm not settling. I brought him here to kill him. He's Elena's friend. If he dies, she suffers. But I've already been scolded once, so I was hoping you'd help your baby sister out Kol: And spit right in the face of mother's rules? I'm in (Damon rejoins Elena in a room) Damon: I got your text (Stefan rejoins them) Damon: What are we doing in here? (Stefan breaks Damon's neck. He looks at Elena) Stefan: Well, better hurry up. Won't be down for long (She leaves) (Elena is in the corridor. Elijah rejoins her) Elijah: Elena. I understand my mother requested to see you Elena: Uh, yeah. Why? Is something wrong? Elijah: Well, her ability to forgive my brother after everything he's done to destroy this family strikes me as a little strange to say the least Elena: Do you think that it's an act? Elijah: It has me asking questions I never thought I'd ask. Can I depend on you to tell me what she says? Elena: Of course. I'll find you later, ok? (Esther and Finn are in a room. Someone knocks ont the door) Esther: That'll be the girl (He opens the door. It's Elena) Finn: You're alone. Wise choice (He closes the door. Esther is making something burn) Esther: It's only sage. I've spelled it so we can speak freely without fear of being overheard. That'll be all, Finn. Thank you (He leaves. Esther looks at Elena) Esther: You must have a million questions for me, Elena. Please Elena: How are you alive? Are you a ghost or... Esther: Not exactly. When I died, the witch Ayana preserved my body with a spell. She was a close friend of mine, an ancestor of your friend Bonnie Elena: So that's why only Bonnie and her mother could open up the casket. They complete the Bennett bloodline Esther: I drew power from them and their ancestors, who were with me on the other side Elena: So you've been on the other side for a thousand years? Esther: Nature's way of punishing me for turning my family into vampires. But there is a way for me to undo the evil I created Elena: You're here to help us kill Klaus, aren't you? Esther: One thing at a time, Elena. For now, I simply need your help (Caroline is outside, looking at a horse. Klaus rejoins her) Klaus: You like horses? Caroline: I'm not talking to you until you tell me why you invited me here Klaus: I fancy you. Is that so hard to believe? Caroline: Yes Klaus: Why? You're beautiful. You... you're strong. You're full of light. I enjoy you Caroline: Well, I'm spoken for. By Tyler Klaus: I thought you two ended things Caroline: Yeah, because of you and your freaky sire bond with him Klaus: So you aren't spoken for. You know, horses are the opposite of people. They're loyal. My father hunted me for a thousand years, and the closest he ever came was the day he killed my favorite horse. He... he severed its neck with a sword as a warning Caroline: Did you ever consider sitting down with your father and talking it out? Klaus: I'm afraid my relationship with my father was a little more complex than yours Caroline: Maybe so. But I let my father go with no regrets. And to answer your question, yes, I like horses, but I also like people, and they actually like me. So I'll be inside (She leaves) (Elena is still with Esther) Esther: I understand Rebekah shared the story of my family... How I upset the balance of nature by turning my children into vampires Elena: She said you did it to protect them from the werewolves Esther: It's true. But in no time at all, they began to feed on human blood. They ravaged the town with no remorse. Eventually Niklaus turned against me Elena: How are you gonna kill him? He's immortal Esther: It will take time, magic, and your assistance Elena: What do I have to do with it? Esther: My children believe I'm holding this to celebrate our reunion. But in truth, I've gathered them together to perform a ritual. The first step requires blood from a doppelganger.Only a drop. Its essence will be in the champagne toast later on this evening (She takes a giant needle) Esther: Will you do it? Or shall I? (Elena takes off her glove and give her hand to Esther. Esther pricks Elena's finger with the needle and pours the blood in a glass) Esther: Elijah is more suspicious than the others, so he may need more persuasion, but they must all drink at the toast in order to be linked as one Elena: What do you mean "linked as one"? Esther: You said yourself Klaus can't be killed, but tonight's spell links all of my children together so that if one goes, they all go Elena: What? Esther: I love my family, Elena, but they are an abomination. I betrayed nature when I created them. It's my duty to kill them (Kol drags Rebekah apart from the party) Kol: I'm itching to kill something. What are we waiting for? Rebekah: The mayor cornered me. Give me 15 minutes to lure Matt outside Kol: Outside? What's wrong with right here on the stairs? Make a spectacle of it Rebekah: You sound like an idiot, Kol. Mother would kill you if you ruined her party. See you outside (She leaves) (Damon wakes up. Stefan's here) Stefan: Easy, buddy. Don't want you doing anything stupid (Damon gets up and rushes over Stefan and pushes him against the wall) Damon: Where's Elena? Stefan: Exactly where she belongs, talking with Esther Damon: What did you do? Stefan: Ah, don't blame me. This was all her, right down to the broken neck. You know, maybe you should stop being such a controlling dick, Damon Damon: Wait. Hang on. I'm the problem here? Stefan: You're a liability, brother Damon: I'm trying to keep her alive, Stefan Stefan: Yeah, well, your emotions are getting in the way of our plan Damon: My emotions? How is this even happening right now? Stefan: Maybe because you care too damn much (He leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] (Matt and Rebekah are outside. She looks around them) Matt: So what are we doing out here? Rebekah: Just taking a break from the polite chitchat Matt: It's freezing. Let me get my coat (They stop by his car) Rebekah: This is your car? Matt: Yep. If I could compel myself a Maserati, I would. But I can't (He takes his jacket from his car and puts it on Rebekah's shoulder) Rebekah: Oh, I'm a vampire. We don't... Thanks. Let's go back inside. I've got all the fresh air I need (They leave. Kol watches them leave) (Elena is back in the hall. Elijah rejoins her) Elijah: So how was my mother? Elena: Intense Elijah: And for what reason did she need to speak with you in private? (Esther appaears on the stairs. A waiter pass by them. Elijah takes two glass of champagne. Elena looks at Esther. Esther looks at her and smiles) Elijah: Elena. Should I be concerned about my mother's intentions? Elena: She just wanted to apologize for trying to have me killed Elijah: So it's true, then? She's forgiven Klaus? Elena: It's true (Esther has a glass of champagne in her hand. She makes a speech) Esther: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Waiters are coming round with champagne. I invite you all to join me in raising a glass. It provides me with no greater joy than to see my family back together as one. I'd like to thank you all for being part of this spectacular evening. Cheers (he raises her glass. Everyone say cheers and raise their glass. All the originals drink. Elijah looks at Elena) Elijah: Cheers (They clinks glasses. Elena drinks and Elijah drinks a sip) (Klaus and Caroline are appart from the party. In a room) Caroline: So what did you want to show me? Klaus: One of my passions (They look at a painting) Caroline: Impressive. I take the curators at the louvre aren't on vervain Klaus: Yeah, well, that's their mistake (She looks at the diamond bracelet) Caroline: What about these? Where'd you steal this from? Klaus: Well, that's a long story. But rest assured it was worn by a princess almost as beautiful as you (She's skeptical. She sees drawings on the table and look at them) Caroline: Wait a second. Did... Did you do these? Klaus: Yeah. Actually one of my landscapes is hanging at the hermitage, not that anyone would notice. Have you been? Caroline: I've never really been anywhere Klaus: I'll take you. Wherever you want. Rome. Paris. Tokyo? (They laugh) Caroline: Must be really nice to just snap your fingers and get whatever you want? Is that why you collect hybrids? A little servant army to take you places and bring you things? Klaus: You're making assumptions Caroline: Then why do you need Tyler? Stop controlling him. Give him his life back Klaus: You know, this has been a fun evening, but I think it's time for you to leave Caroline: I get it. Your father didn't love you, so you assume that no one else will either. And that's why you compel people or you sire them or you try to buy them off, but that's not how it works. You don't connect with people, because you don't even try to understand them (She rips the bracelet from her wrist and throws it on the floor. Then, she leaves) (Rebekah is back inside. Kol rejoins her) Kol: There you are. I was waiting outside for you. Where's Matt? Rebekah: About that, I, I changed my mind. I don't want to ruin mother's night Kol: Don't tell me you like this boy. And what did he do? He gave you 5 seconds of his attention? Don't be so predictable, Rebekah Rebekah: You don't have to be rude about it. Just leave him be, ok? (She leaves) Kol: As you wish, sister (Elena is about to leave. Damon rejoins her) Damon: Elena. Did you get what you want? Elena: Actually, yes Damon: Good. Tell me on the ride home. We're leaving. Come on (He catches her arm) Elena: No, Damon. Let go of me. Look, I'm sorry that I had to, uh, cut you out of the plan Damon: There shouldn't have been a plan. You shouldn't be here Elena: Do you think I like going behind your back? I don't. But if I hadn't asked Stefan to help, then you would have tried to be the hero, and you would have ruined everything Damon: Sorry for trying to keep you alive. Clearly Stefan doesn't give a crap anymore Elena: Now you're mad at me for including Stefan? Damon: No, I'm mad at you because I love you! Elena: Well, maybe that's the problem (She regrets it immediately) Elena: No, that's not what I... Damon: No, I got it, Elena. I care too much. I'm a liability. How ironic is that? (Caroline rejoins them) Caroline: Have you guys seen Matt? (Matt is alone. He hears someone whispering his name. He goes on the balcony and Kol is here) Kol: Good evening. You're Rebekah's friend. We haven't met (He raises his hand. Matt shakes his hand) Matt: Matt Donovan Kol: Kol Mikaelson (Kol crashes Matt'a hand. Matt is hurt. Damon arrives) Damon: Easy on the hand. Guy's a quarterback (Damon rushes over him and throws him off the balcony. Then, he jumps and hits Kol. He finally breaks his neck. Stefan rejoins him) Stefan: Damon! Are you crazy? (The orignals siblings arrive. Elena rushes outside) Damon: Maybe a little (He looks at Elena) Damon: Far be it from me to cause a problem (He leaves. Everyone look at him) [Caroline's House] (Caroline is in her bedroom. She's leaving a voicemail to Tyler) Caroline: Tyler, it's me. Look, I'm grateful for what you're doing, but... I miss you... and I really wish you were here (She sees a little box on her bed. She takes it) Caroline: Seriously. Just give up already (When she opens i, there's a drawing of her next to a horse. It's from Klaus with the note "Thank you for your honesty". She seems surprised) [Klaus' House] (Esther is with Elijah) Esther: No violence. That was all I asked. Rebekah and Kol disgraced our family tonight! Elijah: It won't happen again, mother. I'll deal with them (She touches his face) Esther: Thank you, Elijah. I wish the others were more like you (He leaves. Finn enter and closes the doors) Finn: Are we all right to speak freely? Esther: Yes. The sage still burns (She takes a paper and starts writing something) Finn: You're not having second thoughts, are you? Esther: Of course not. It's just Elijah... He's so moral Finn: You're doing the right thing, mother Esther: You understand what this means, don't you? This spell I'm casting tonight will bind you all together as one Finn: I understand. When it is time, I will be ready to die Esther: Then we must complete the link (She takes his hand and cuts it with a knife. Then makes the blood poor on the paper, where she's written the names of her children. Then she begins to cast a spell. As she casts it, the blood goes from name to name, covering every name and linking them together. A tree is finally formed with the blood) Esther: The link is complete. You are one (The page burns) [Gilbert's House] (Elena enters with Stefan) Stefan: So, uh, Esther wants to kill her whole family. How's that for mother of the year? Elena: Yeah. And I got to look Elijah right in the eye and lie to him about it Stefan: Well, good. Can't say I'll be sorry to see any of 'em go Elena: I just signed their death sentences, Stefan Stefan: No, you signed Klaus' death sentence, Elena. Everyone else is just collateral damage Elena: It's not that simple Stefan: The family has brought you nothing but darkness, Elena. It is that simple. So, uh... where's Damon? I would think that he'd wanna make sure you got home safely Elena: I'll call him and let him know Stefan: What was with him going after kol? Elena: Damon being self-destructive. I said something I didn't mean Stefan: So did I. Anyway, uh... Good night (He leaves but Elena follows him on the porch) Elena: Stefan. Did you really not feel anything? Stefan: When? Elena: How do you do that? Act like you don't care, like you don't feel anything? Because I can't do that. I... I feel. I feel everything Stefan: Elena, stop Elena: I'm not going to stop, Stefan, because I don't believe that you feel nothing Stefan: What? You think I want to be this person? I hurt you, Elena. I bit you. I hate myself for what I did to you Elena: Then show it. Do something (She takes his face in her hands) Elena: Stefan, anything is better than trying to convince me that you don't care Stefan: I can't Elena: Stefan... Stefan: If I let myself care, all I'll feel is pain [Mystic Grill] (Matt is at the bar, drinking coffee. Rebekah rejoins him) Rebekah: Hi. What are you doing? Matt: Well, let's see. I went to a dance and got my hand crushed, found out that I don't have health insurance, so I just needed a minute to myself Rebekah: Well, I thought maybe I'd buy you an apology drink Matt: Maybe you could just leave me alone Rebekah: Look, I'm--I'm really sorry about Kol. He's a lunatic Matt: Look, Rebekah, you're really fun and pretty and all... But I really need you to leave me alone (He leaves. Damon arrives, a bottle in his hand) Damon: Burn. Rejected by the captain of the football team. Welcome to adolescence (He drinks) Rebekah: Shut up, Damon. Knew I should have killed him. Mother wouldn't let me Damon: Well... (He takes a bottle from the bar) Damon: Never let people tell you what to do (He pours two shots of tequila. They drink) Damon: Besides... You would have broken him in a second Rebekah: Are you suggesting I can't be gentle? Damon: No. I'm just saying you should find someone a little more durable. That's all Rebekah: And who would that be? [Salvatore's House] (Damon and Rebekah enter the room. Kissing each other and ripping each other clothes)

Plan: A: the hospital; Q: Where did Matt and Elena leave? A: Elijah; Q: Who saves Elena from Rebekah? A: a formal ball; Q: What kind of ball is Elena invited to? A: Klaus's newly renovated mansion; Q: Where is the party being held? A: apologizes; Q: Tyler calls Caroline and __________, saying he is still working on fixing himself. A: a dance; Q: What commences the ball? A: their lives; Q: Elena learns that Esther intents to kill the originals by linking what together? A: her new information; Q: What does Elena have to decide who she can trust with? A: a more sensitive and romantic side; Q: What does Caroline discover about Klaus? A: hopes; Q: Elena gets all the Originals to drink and link themselves. Elena reaches out to Stefan but he says that if he feels again all he feels is pain. Finally, after an evening of violence and dashed ______, Damon finds a new way to cope by sleeping with Rebekah. Summary: Matt and Elena leave the hospital, where Rebekah tries to attack her before Elijah saves her. Elena is surprised to receive an invitation to a formal ball and a meeting with Esther. When Damon and Stefan hear the party is being hosted at Klaus's newly renovated mansion, they both insist on attending the event with her. Tyler calls Caroline and apologizes, saying he is still working on fixing himself. Caroline and Matt also receive invitations to the ball from Klaus and Rebekah, respectively. Despite telling Damon and Stefan she would not go to the ball, Elena shows up anyway. The ball commences with a dance, Elena with Damon, Caroline with Klaus, Matt with Rebekah. Elena then dances with Stefan and then convinces him to help her get to Esther. Elena learns that Esther intents to kill the originals by linking their lives together and then sacrificing Finn by his own will. Then she must decide who she can trust with her new information. Caroline discovers a more sensitive and romantic side of Klaus no one would have suspected. Elena gets all the Originals to drink and link themselves. Elena reaches out to Stefan but he says that if he feels again all he feels is pain. Finally, after an evening of violence and dashed hopes, Damon finds a new way to cope by sleeping with Rebekah.

[Générique] Voix-off : George Eliot once wrote, "There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and healed, to have despaired and recovered hope." Nathan : Black jerseys for Keith. First game back. You ready for this ? Lucas : I think so. Yeah. Nathan : The whole team's there for you, man. I got your back out there tonight. Lucas : I can't to play tonight. Whitey : Durstin ! You're in ! Nathan : Coach, we're in this together. It's what you taught us, right ? Whitey : I'm afraid that's a forfeit, Ref. Arbitre : Ok, the Ravens forfeit. Mouth : Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like the Ravens are gonna forfeit the game. Ravens forfeit. Lucas : You guys didn't have to forfeit the game. You didn't have to do that for me. Nathan : Hey, I told you, got your back. Lucas : Thanks. Nathan : Look, here's the thing...All these guys, Luke, they'd walk through fire for you. Question is, are you really gonna make them do that ? Look, remember when I didn't want to play in this crappy old gym ? You remember what you said to me ? Lucas : "It's not just about us." Nathan : Yeah, and you were right. I mean, these guys deserve a shot at State. And Whitey, it's his last year so... Look, I'm gonna do everything I can to help you get through this, but we can't forfeit the season, Luke. Lucas : I know. Mouth : Rachel, what's wrong ? What ? Who is ? Rachel : Someone I used to know. Someone who's gone now. Like Jimmy Edwards. Brooke did this. Mouth : What are you doing to Rachel, Brooke ? Brooke : You know what ? After what happened in here tonight with Lucas, I think I have a little more on my mind than your skank-fatuation, Mouth. Mouth : It's not fair. She's done nothing to you. Brooke : Are you kidding ? How about trying to steal my cheerleading squad ? Or entering me in Rogue Vogue just so she could screw me over ? Or her midnight round of strip basketball with my boyfriend ? Or humiliating me in front of all of my friends last weekend ? You know, stop me any time, 'cause I can go on and on. Mouth : The picture. Rachel said it was someone she knew. Brooke : Yeah, fine. Maybe you should read the back of it. Mouth : The flyers. Where else are they ? Brooke : Well, there's a couple at school, a few at Tric, Karen's Café, numerous convenience stores around town. It's my turn to have a little bit of fun Mouth : Brooke ! Didn't you learn anything from Jimmy's death ? Haley : You know, now that we're living here, we should probably try unpacking at some point. Nathan : Yeah, well, we've been a little busy doing this. So much better than moving in. Haley : I can(t wait to renew my vows with you. Nathan : Me, too. I want that second chance, Haley. I want to give you that wedding you always dreamed of. Haley : I already had a dream wedding. Nathan : No, but you told me how you saw it. In the church gardens where your parents got married. All the bridesmaids and groomsmen, flowers everywhere. I want that for you. Haley : Okay, I guess unpacking can wait. [Strange noise] Haley : What is that ? Do you want me to call 911 ? Nathan : No,no,no. Just wait there, okay ? Cooper : So how much for the wall ? I'm guessing it's less without the creepy clown. Nathan : Uncle Cooper. What are you doing here, man ? Cooper : It's 1:00 a.m. I'm starving. Haley : Nathan ? Cooper : Who wants breakfast ? Nathan : It's okay ! Haley : What's going on ? Nathan : Come on. Peyton : Hello ? Hi, Pete. God, you're, like, the hardest guy on the planet to get a hold of. But I'm glad you called. Even if it is, what, 1:00 a.m. ? Nice. Yeah. So I didn't freak you out with all my voice mails ? Well, yeah, I miss you, too. I don't know, this is... I mean, this is crazy, right ? I can't even get you on the phone unless it's the middle of the night. Okay. Well, then why don't you tell me how this is supposed to work ? Right, oh...Okay, you(re outside my window. You are not outside my window. Oh. Oh, my God. All right, well, just come to the front door, I'll be down in just a second. And be quiet. Okay. Oh, God. Oh, God. Peyton : I can't believe you sent him away. Larry : The Guy shows up at 1:00 a.m. in a limo, tattooed from head to toe, looking for my daughter ? You're lucky all I did was send him away. Peyton : Daddy, that was Pete from Fall Out Boy. Larry : Yeah, well now he's Pete from Get-Out-Of-Town Boy. I think it's time that we all went over the ground rules for this house. By the way, where is Brooke ? Brooke : Sleepwalking ? Larry : Yeah, nice try. Grab some bed. Look, you guys, let's get a few things straight here. No boys in this bedroom, ever. 9:00 curfew on weekdays, midnight on weekends. If you are out after 10:00, I need a phone call because I need to know where you are. My cell phone will do very nicely, thank you. No parties without parental supervision, no alcohol. Do I need to go over the ground rules for s*x ? Brooke and Peyton : No ! Larry : Good. Okay, so now, tell me about Pete from Fall Out Shelter. Brooke : Fall Out Boy. Larry : Oh ! Peyton : Daddy, the lead songwriter of the number three band on Billboard charts. Brooke : Grammy-nominated. Peyton : Multi-platinum album seller. Brooke : And very cute. Peyton : Very. Larry : Well, that's all great, but you're telling me about Pete from Fall Out Boy. What I really want to know about is Pete the boy. There's a difference. I mean, where'd he grow up ? What kind of family is he from ? Does he hold doors open for you ? Does he say, "God bless you", when you sneeze ? Because, Peyton, I don't care how many albums the guy has sold, all I care about is how he's going to treat you. So let's just agree that when Pete visits this house, it will be strictly between business hours. God it ? Peyton : Mmm. Larry : Good. And while we're at it, Brooke, now that you are living here, let's just assume that you're going to find a new hot-dad fantasy. Brooke : ... Larry : All right ? Thank you very much. Good night, ladies. Peyton : Night. Brooke : Oh, my God ! Oh, my God ! Cooper : So, it's Haley, right ? I always wanted to meet the girl who made my nephew crash a perfectly good racecar. Haley : And I always wanted to meet the uncle who let Nathan crash a racecar. Cooper : She's tough, Nate. I like her. You know, your mom's back in town. Nathan : Yeah, she called atually. Unlike you, she has the decency not to storm our apartment at 1:00 in the morning. Cooper : Hey, give me a break. I was hungry, all right ? Oh by the way, I met this smoking-hot girl. She's 26, she's a model. You know, my type. She's home from New-York, she's housesitting for her parents. I'm telling you, God loves me. Nathan : So, are you staying for a while ? Cooper : Absolutely. If you saw the girl, Nate, you'd know why, too. Sorry. Haley : This does look really good. Cooper : Well, it helps if you're a little buzzed. So, Nate, listen, I'm sorry about Keith. How's Lucas taking it ? Nathan : Not good. Haley : He walked off the court tonight. Actually, we had to forfeit the game. Cooper : Well, you know what ? He'll... He'll be okay. How eat up. It's gonna get cold. Deb : Karen ? Hi. I'm so sorry I didn't make it back for Keith's funeral. I came as soon as I could. How are you holding up ? Well, the important thing is to get you back on your feet. I'm just here to tell you that I want to help you any way I can. Karen : You've done enough, Deb. Deb : What do you mean ? Karen : Keith told me that you tried to kill Dan. Deb : It was a terrible mistake. Not a day goes by that I don't regret it, Karen. Karen : Yeah, well, my son ran into a burning building to fix your mistake. I could have lost him the way I lost Keith. Deb : I'm so sorry that happened. I had no idea that he was there. Thank God Lucas is okay. Karen : Well, he's not okay, Deb ! None of us are okay. And as far I'm concerned, the only difference between you and Jimmy Edwards is that he was successful. Mouth : Rachel ? Rachel : Speak softly, Mouth. I'm a little hung over. Mouth : I believe this belongs to you. It's you, the girl who's gone. She used to be you. Rachel : No. I used to be her. But I hated myself, so I had some surgery. Mouth : Like what ? Rachel : I had my stomach stapled and starved myself for months, and then rewarded myself with a nose job, fake breasts and a couple other things. So what ? Mouth : I just... I can't believe it. Rachel : Why ? I mean, if I was born like this no one would have a problem with it. And I work hard to take care of the new me. I like the new me. Mouth : Do you, Rachel ? Cause other than me, I don't see you letting too many people into your life. Rachel : Don't judge me, Mouth. You didn't know the old me. I have self-esteem now that I've never had before. Mouth : And that's great, but isn't it more about what kind of person you are ? You know, what's on the inside ? Rachel : As far as I can tell, that's a bunch of crap. Come on, tell me something, Mouth. If you could snap your fingers and look like Lucas, would you ? I mean, sure you would, and don't say you wouldn't, because you'd be lying.. Mouth : I think if I could snap my fingers and get something, it wouldn't be about how I look. But let's say you're right. Should everyone who doesn't like the way they look have surgery ? Rachel : No, of course not. But I mean, if they do and it makes them feel good about themselves, are you gonna hold that against them ? I mean, look, Mouth, the choices I made were extreme. The surgeries were expensive and painful, and they came with serious risks. But now, Brooke's gonna out me, and everyone's gonna look at me like I'm some kind of Frankenstein. Mouth : You don't know that. I don't feel that way. Rachel : Really ? I can look at your face and tell that you already see me differently. This is who I am now. The girl's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] Cooper : I thought this game was more exciting.+ Lucas : Coop, I heard you were in town. Cooper : How you doing ? I knew I'd find you here. You know, whenever I do my big thinking, I mostly find myself at an empty racetrack. I think the silence clears my head. Lucas : Me, too. So, when does the circuit start back up, huh ? Cooper : For the drivers ? Three weeks. For me, it doesn't. I blew my ride. Lucas : What happened ? Cooper : Well, for one thing, I let my nephew crash a racecar into the wall, then things got a little dark from there. Lucas : Sorry. Cooper : Yeah. You know, when they told me I couldn't drive, I thought my life was over. Racing was all that I had, you know, it was who I was. But then the next day, the sun came up, the world kept turning, and I was gonna be okay. You know ? It took me a while, but I finally realized that even if I never get to race again, I know, I can be happy. Nathan told me about the game, man. Lucas : I'll get it back. Cooper : I hope you do. But if for some reason you don't, you're gonna be okay. It's not what you do in life that matters, Luke, it's about who you are. Nathan : I'm so glad you're happy. Haley : I am happy. It is everything that I dreamed it would be. And I'm... I' m just so happy to be renewing my vows with you. Thank you for this. It's so beautiful. Nathan : There is one catch. Haley : What ? Nathan : Well, the church will only allow us to have the wedding on their grounds if we agree to take their pre-marital counselling class, even though, technically, we're post-marital. Haley : Okay, well, what is that ? Nathan : We have to take a test to see if we're compatible. And then I guess get some tips on how not to pull each other's hair out. Sounds like the basics. Haley : Okay, well, how hard could one test be ? I am Tutor Girl, after all. Besides, I'll do anything I have to to marry you again. Nathan : All right. Peyton : Hey, Pete. I was hoping you'd call. Bill : Actually, it's not. It's Bill the tour manager. Is this Peyton ? Peyton : Yeah Bill : Hey, Peyton. Sorry, I'm using Pete's phone. I think we met at Tric. Peyton : Oh, right, yeah, hi. Bill : Hey. Well, listen, Pete wanted to call you himself, but the band's really crazed. But he really wants to see you, so he's gonna leave you a plane ticket at the airport. Peyton : A plane ticket ? Bill : To Chicago, this weekend. Peyton : Who, I mean, that's... That's really, really nice. Thank you, but my dad, I mean, he'll freak out if I tell him I'm flying to Chicago. Bill : Yeah, Pete said you'd say that. But he said to tell you you'd really be doing him a favor because the band thinks you're his Snuffleupagus. Anyway, if you need anything else, just call me directly. Otherwise, we'll have a car waiting at the airport. Okay, Peyton, we'll see you in Chicago, then. Take care. Peyton : Okay, thank you. And can you just tell Pete that I said... that I miss him ? Whitey : You gonna let an old man stand out here in the cold, or are you gonna ask me in ? Karen : Suit yourself. Whitey : Karen, I know what you're going through. I lost the love of my life, too. Karen : You had Camilla for a lifetime. I had Keith for a few weeks. Whitey : Whose fault was that ? Well, I'm glad to see you're still in there. Now, you listen to me. I said that because I know the guilt that you're carrying around. And you're wrong to fell it. Feeling guilty is not gonna bring Keith back. Karen : Don't have a right to feel bad ? Whitey : Did you know Lucas was si broken up he couldn't play the last game ? No, I didn't think so. Look, Karen, you gave Keith the thing that he loved most in all the world, Lucas. He was never happier than when he was talking about you and that boy. You gave him a son for a lifetime. And you let him matter to Lucas. I know how that feels. Karen, you couldn't have given him much more. Let the guilt fall away. Let it go. Priest : This test will determine whether you're really suited for each other. I know you're both married. This is just a requirement. Okay ? Nathan : Okay. Haley : Come on. It'll be fun. Mouth : That's the last of them. Haley : Thanks. Mouth : You know, when we were together during the blackout, I loved talking to you. And it didn't matter that I couldn't see you because, that night, it wasn't about your looks. It was about your heart, your sense of humor, the way you saw the world. I felt like I really knew you. I actually hated it when those lights came back on. Rachel : But now these flyers change everything, right ? I mean, now you don't really know me. Mouth : No. Now I'm sure I know you. Because when I saw those flyers, I realizes we were more alike than I knew. And, for a moment, it was like being back there in the dark again, just the two of us. I don't see anything ugly in that picture, Rachel. Rachel : Thank you. But trust me, a lot of people did. Especially me. Mouth : Well, I guess I just want to know if you ever really let go of her, the person you uses to be. I mean, when you walk down these halls do you still feel self-conscious ? Do you hope to be accepted ? Do you worry about fitting in ? Cause I figure the old you probably worried about those things. Rachel : Yes, Mouth. I still feel that way. There's not a surgery to fix that yet. Mouth : You know, you're really beautiful now, Rachel. But I just want you to know, I could have loved the girl in that picture. Rachel : I wish she could have met you. Lucas : Coach ? Basketball has always been a huge part of who I am. And I've been thinking a lot about it. But unless somebody can tell me why this game matters right now, I don't think I can play. Whitey (smile) : You know, every time we take this court, we come in under that old, faded banner up there, that says, "Home of the Monarchs." Anybody know who the Monarchs were ? Basket player : The Monarchs were the best basketball team in the state back in the '50s. Whitey : Yeah, some people say they were. They were never in the record books. Because the Monarchs were an all-black team. Back in those days, when I was your age, blacks and whites weren't allowed to play this game together. I was on the best team in the state. But we all knew there was another one. The Monarchs. One night, both teams snuck in here, looked the door, and squared off. They were good. Oh, they were damn good. We played four games. They got their shots, we got ours. And then something magical happened. Something that none of us could have anticipated. Something that had never happened in this state before. We decided to mix the teams. Their captain and our captain started picking players. As is turned out, I was next to the last one picked. Their captain looked me in the eye and said, "I'll take Whitey." And it stuck. That's how I got my nickname. Well, that night changed all our lives. We were no longer black players or white players. We were just players. We shut out the world and played. Together. We played a game that we loved. And that night; that game changed everything. I haven't been the same since. You want me to tell you that this game matters ? I promise you, son, it does matter. Let the game heal you, Lucas. Come back too us, son. Peyton : Brooke, are you awake ? Brooke : Honey, how could I possibly be sleeping with you thinking so loudly ? What's the matter, Peyton ? Peyton : Pete. HE wants to me to fly to Chicago tomorrow night. He left me a ticket. Brooke : Then why are we still talking about this ? If you don't get on that plane, we are no longer friends. Peyton : Brooke, I can't do this again. Why is it that every guy that I like always has to leave ? It's not fair. Brooke : Then you have no choice. You have to go. Peyton : Why ? Brooke : Let's see, because he's cute and he's a rock star, and you love music. And he's nice to you. And if you go, you'll have a great time and maybe you'll fall in love, and if you don't, you're gonna look back on this in 20 years and wonder, "What if?" Peyton : I already have my what ifs. Brooke : Well, maybe this time you can have something more. Priest : I'm sorry, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but you failed. Haley : You're kidding. Priest : I'm sorry, no. According to the test, the two of you are highly incompatible. Haley (surprise) : I've never actually failed a test before. Nathan : Father, can I ask you a question ? When you decided you wanted to be a priest, how did you know it was the right thing to do ? Priest : I had a devout belief in God. Nathan : Can you prove that to us ? With some sort of a test, I mean ? Priest : Of courses not. Nathan : Just like you can't prove love with a test. I mean, this is just a score on a sheet of paper. Sure, Haley and I have our differences, but this test doesn't show how hard we've worked to keep this relationship together. Or that I can't stand it when we're apart. Or that every time I look at her, I know that I'm going to be with her for the rest of my life. We love each other, father. No test is gonna show that. Priest : Let me see that test. Thanks for passing the real test. I'm sure we'll have a wonderful ceremony. Nathan : Thank you. Priest : Congratulations. Haley : Thank You. Customer : Thank You. Deb : Hey, Lucas. Lucas : Hey. Deb, it's so good to see you. Are you sure you can handle all this ? Deb : Karen's my partner, and God knows she's picked up the slack for me a time or two. It's the least I could do. But to be honest, it'll be a full-blown miracle if the register balances. Lucas : Thanks for helping my mom out. It means a lot. So how is it being back, with Dan and all ? Deb : Well, Cooper is staying with me. It feels safe to have family around. And so far, Dan is keeping his distance, so... It'll be okay. You know, when Nathan wrecked that car, I didn't speak to Cooper for months. I mean, I knew it wasn't really his fault, but somehow I blamed him anyway. Losing your child is every mother's biggest fear. Nothing even comes close. For your mom to get better, she's really gonna have to lean on you, Lucas. So, whatever you do, just make sure to take care of yourself. You have to, for your mother's sake. Whitey : We're gonna be set up here, and you're gonna have to start out pressing these guys real hard. Nathan : So, you're gonna have Daniels starting opposite... Lucas : Coach, you got a sec ? Whitey : Oh, yeah, sit down. Lucas : You need to hear this, too, Nate. I can't play tonight. I have a heart condition. I have HCM, and I haven't been taking my medication, so that I wouldn'tt slow down my game. And if I play, I could die. I know how selfish I've been. I just didn't want to leave the game behind. Because the game did change my life. Just like yours. And it's gonna be hard to let it go. Nathan : The game can only change you if you have a life to change, right ? Whitey : I know how hard this conversation must be for you, Lucas. Lucas : No. The next conversation I have is gonna be the hard one. Brooke : Nice picture. When are you going to get over Jabba the Slutso we can go back to being friends ? Mouth : You know, Brooke, you got Rachel all wrong. She's not a bad person. And what you're doing to her is cruel. Brooke : But I'm not. You know me, Mouth. And as scrumptious as it sounds, I could never go through with Operation Fat Rachel. I'm just playing around. Mouth : Well, that's good, Brooke. Because you better get used to Rachel being around. She's great person, and deep down she has a big heart. I like her. A lot. Brooke : Look, I know she says she's into you but just please be careful. You know a leopard doesn't change its spots. Mouth : Actually, she did change her spots. I just hope her heart's the same. Larry : Hey. I hope I didn't completely freak out Fall Out Boy. Have you heard from him ? Peyton : Maybe. Larry : Oh, a woman of mystery. Must've gotten that from your mother. You didn't get it from me. You know I trust you, right ? Peyton : Yeah. Larry : Good. Just promise me one thing. Promise me that when you pick the boy you're really gonna be with that he'll be someone who respects you and treats you well. And it's someone who makes your heart race. And that he's someone who you love because of what he is, not what he does. Because that's how I felt about your mother, and that's how I want you to feel one day. Use your head and follow your heart. Haley : 46 points ? That's like really good, isn't it ? Nathan : it's not bad. Haley : Well, you were amazing. Nathan : Thank you. Haley : Where was Luke tonight ? Nathan : Lucas has a heart condition, Hales. Haley : Don't be mad at me, I kind of already knew about his HCM. He made me promise not to tell anybody. Sorry. Isn't he taking his medication ? Nathan : No. Haley : Great, so he lied to me. Nathan : Well, I think he lied to everyone, including himself. Haley : Is he gonna be okay ? Nathan : Yeah. We're all gonna make sure he's okay. I promise. Haley : Thank you for being such an amazing guy. And thank you for having the right answer with that priest the other day. God, for a minute there I thought we weren't gonna get our big wedding. Nathan : You know, we don't still have to do that if you don't wan to. Haley : No. I really want to. I've just been trying to think of a way to make the day really memorable and I had an idea. You ready ? Nathan : Yeah. Haley : Okay. What if we don't have s*x until we get married again ? Do you still love me ? Nathan : What, are you kidding ? Haley : ... nnn Nathan : Yeah, okay. But does that mean that I can't still kiss you like this ? Haley : No. Nathan : Or like this ? Haley : Okay, maybe we'll just start on the no-sex thing tomorrow night. You know, that's fine. Lucas : Mom ? I know that you're hurting now more than ever, and I don't want to make that worse, but I need to tell you something. I lied to you about my heart condition. I have HCM. I need you. I need you now more than ever. Rachel : Mouth ? What are you doing here ? Mouth : you said that you wished the girl in that picture had met me. I just thought maybe she still might have... Cooper : Hey, babe, what are you doing ? You got flowers. Who are they from ? Mouth : They're... They're from you. Karen : I'm gonna need a lot of help. Deb : Good. Cause you're gonna get it.

Plan: A: Lucas; Q: Who attempts to play in the first game after Keith's death? A: Lucas's pain; Q: What does Nathan see in Lucas? A: Nathan; Q: Who asks Whitey to forfeit the game? A: HCM; Q: What is Lucas's heart condition? A: Deb; Q: Who convinces Lucas to be there for Karen after Keith's death? A: Haley; Q: Who does Nathan marry? A: Rachel; Q: Who does Mouth try to get closer to? A: Peyton; Q: Who gets an invitation to go to Chicago? A: Pete; Q: Who invites Peyton to Chicago? A: Rachael; Q: Who does Brooke get revenge on? A: multiple surgeries; Q: What did Rachel have to become attractive? A: 14; Q: How old was Brooke when she was obese? A: Fall Out Boy; Q: What band is this episode named after? Summary: Lucas attempts to play in the first game after Keith's death, but he cannot bring himself to do it. After seeing Lucas's pain, Nathan asks Whitey to forfeit the game. Lucas finally tells Whitey, Nathan, and Karen about his heart condition (HCM) after Deb convinces him to be there for Karen after Keith's death. Nathan and Haley prepare to renew their vows. Mouth tries to get closer to Rachel. Peyton gets an invitation to go to Chicago, from Pete. Brooke gets revenge on Rachael, by making posters of Rachael who got multiple surgeries to become attractive, because she was obese when she was 14. This episode is named after a song by Fall Out Boy .

[Scene: Mitch and Dawson are exiting a store when Gale and Joey come walking up to join them.] Mitch: Well, if it isn't my blushing bride to be and, uh, her maid of honor. Gale: Hi [They Kiss] Gale: We, just stopped by Sally's for a peek, and Debbie said the dresses will be ready in the tomorrow, but the cake is ready right now and I want you to come see it. Mitch: Let's Go. Gale: Bye honey. Thanks, Joey. [They leave] Joey: Bye. Dawson: They are a happy as I have ever seen them. If you can believe that. Joey: I can. So, How's the ring? Dawson: It's beautiful. And the dresses? Joey: Oh, your mother's is gorgeous. However I'm starting to believe everything I've heard about the unflattering nature of bride's maids dresses. Dawson: I'm sure that you'll look amazing. Joey, thanks for doing this, I really appreciate it. Joey: Dawson, it was an honor when you mother asked me, how could I refuse? Dawson: Yeah, I know, it means a lot to her, but it also means a lot to me too. I, I couldn't imagine you not being a part of this ceremony, and despite any awkwardness this might stir up, it Joey: You know, it's an important day for your parents and I'm not counting on it to change either of our lives. So, it's not going to stir anything up, unless we let it. Right? Dawson: My point exactly. Yeah. Joey: So, you know what. I have to go. I have something borrowed, but I don't have anything blue, yet. Dawson: It shouldn't be too hard. Seems to be a lot of that going around these days. [Scene: The docks by “True Love” Doug is talking to Pacey about the trip while Pacey is brining some supplies aboard.] Doug: Hey, Pacey, are you sure this trip is such a good idea? Pacey: I already cleared it with dad. Stay close to shore. Call home every week. I know the drill. Doug: Uh, that's not exactly what I'm talking about. Pacey: Are you going to miss me? Is that it Doug? Doug: Yeah, what you think you're leaving behind here is just going to be that much bigger when you are out there all alone. Does Joey know that you are leaving? Pacey: If she does, I didn't tell her. Doug: So, I guess she doesn't really know how you feel about her either, right? Pacey: [Sighs] She knows how I feel. Doug: Pacey, have you spelled it out to her, I mean in clear unwavering terms. Have you done that? Pacey: And what exactly do you think would happen if I did that, Doug? Doug: Worst case, nothing. Best case, she gives you a reason to stay. Pacey: [Laughs] You see, that right there is what happens to the male mind when it's exposed to too many Katherine Hepburn movies. Doug: Every time that you look at the stars you are going to see here face. You can't run away from her, Pacey. Pacey: Well, I can try. [Scene: Inside the School hallway. Jack and Jen are busy cleaning out their lockers in an empty hallway with only a janitor sweeping the hall.] Jen: You know there really is a certain pleasing symmetry to this. You, me, together again. President and Vice President of the Bitter Club. Reunited for one last session. Jack: I'm not bitter. Jen: Oh yeah, sure. Everyone wants their Prom night with the person they are most attracted to in the whole entire world speeding away from them on a commuter train. [Jen sees Henry enter the hallway and start walking towards them] Jen: Hey Jack, when he comes over here, would you mind telling him, that I still mean every thing that I said and that I haven't changed my mind and that I hope that football camp in Cleveland is sweaty, gross, and girl free. Not to mention painful and debilitating. Jack: Do you realize how immature this is? [Henry comes up to her and realizes that she is ignoring him and goes over to Jack who is dumping some stuff in the trashcan.] Jen: [Ignoring Henry] Geez. Henry: [To Jack] Jack, could you do me a favor? Could you tell Jen that I left my copy of Sid Arthur in her, in her locker and I want it back. Jack: No. Henry: Why not? Jack: ‘Cause she's standing right here. Henry: Could you just ask her? Please? Jack: Henry this is ridiculous. Hey Jen, guess what? Henry has come over with this, uh, ridiculously lame Sid Arthur related pretext because he's secretly hoping that you'll give him another chance. Henry: That, that's not what I said. Jen: Why don't you tell Henry that if he would like would like his book back, he probably should start digging. Jack: Translation, she threw it away, because it's a painful reminder of how much she regrets freaking out like a total drama queen and breaking up with you at the prom. Jen: Okay, I'm not a drama queen, and I'm not the only one who's totally freaked out. Jack: Personal front, it must be the going rate for, converting young lover subtext these days. Henry: He's right, Jen, neither of us is being very direct right now. So, how's this? I'm sorry. Jen: You know what, Henry? I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that we ever met. Henry: That's too bad. Because, I'm not. You have nothing else you want to say to me? Jen: No, nothing. Henry: I guess that finishes that. [Scene: Inside Dawson's House. Mitch is carrying something out of the house when Andie comes up to the door. Dawson sees her.] Dawson: Andie. Andie: Oh, hey. Dawson: Hey, come in. It's a little hectic around here. Andie: Yeah. So, I see. So, I guess that's why you ran out of school without signing this. My Yearbook. Here. Dawson: [Laughs] Andie, as much as I admire you unswerving devotion to a high school ritual like this that you pay $34.95 so that one day you can look back at the disaster otherwise known as Junior Year. [Dawson opens the book to the first page.] Andie: Oh, wait. No, no, no I marked a page for you. [Andie opens the book to a page with a picture of Dawson and Pacey together as friends.] Dawson: Subtlety is not exactly your forte is it? Andie: He's leaving. He's gonna to take this, um, summer sailing trip. You know, some macho adventure. Dawson: Well, good for him. Andie: Yeah! So, um... We're gonna have this little send-off tomorrow night, you know, a picnic down by the docks. Dawson: Tomorrow night's the rehearsal dinner, so... Even if I wanted to go, which I don't... Andie: Dawson... You do realize that one of you is going to have to make the first move, don't you? Dawson: It's not gonna be me, and it's not gonna be tomorrow night, so... There you go. Signed the page with all the faculty head shots. Andie: Dawson? For what it's worth, I'm not over the pain of this yet either. Letting go isn't a one-time thing. It's something that you have to do over and over again every day. Thanks. Dawson: Sure. [Scene: Along the creek on a road. Joey is driving her truck when she hears a siren from behind and pulls over, and Doug pulls around her in the cop car.] Doug: Excuse me. Driver's license and registration, please. Joey: You're kidding me, right? Doug: Driver's license and registration, please. Miss potter, I clocked you going— Joey: you have a radar gun? Doug: Visual assessment. You were going 5 to 7 miles per hour below the posted speed limit on this particular Capeside thoroughfare. I'll let it go with a warning this time. Joey: Promise to be careful. Doug: Not that kind of warning. I just thought you might like to know that, uh...Unbeknownst to you, a particular attitudinally challenged younger sibling is preparing to leave Capeside for the summer. Seems he's gonna sail himself down to the Florida keys for the next 3 months. Joey: When does he leave? Doug: In a couple of days. I just thought you might like to know about it before it was too late for you to, uh... Say or do something. Joey: Thank you. Doug: It's not a problem, miss potter. Passenger advisory is typical officer protocol. [Scene: Outside the grocery store. Joey is waiting outside as Pacey comes out carrying a bad and eating a candy bar.] Pacey: Want a bite? Joey: This is your solution? Pacey: What are you talking about? Joey: You're leaving. Pacey: Uh-huh. Joey: Just when things get tough, you're gonna pack up and leave. Pacey: Well, that's the general idea, yeah. Joey: Oh, real mature, Pacey. Pacey: Well, what do you want me to do, sit around all summer and watch from afar as you and Dawson attempt to resuscitate your ailing relationship? No, thanks. Joey: Well, I expected you to at least say good-bye. Pacey: Oh, yeah, the good-bye scene. Played that one over a thousand times in my head. I come to you, heart in hand, and announce my plans. You look at me, pained, but then, of course, the potter sarcasm kicks in and I leave never getting what I came for. Joey: What is that, Pacey? Pacey: You never ask me to stay. Ever. Joey: Look, that's not my decision. Pacey: Yes, it is. It always has been. You may be too afraid to make it, but let's be honest with each other. The decision to be together or not be together has always been yours. Joey: All I asked for was time. Pacey: And that's exactly what you got. And you're gonna get 3 more months of it. Joey: I may be undecided, Pacey, but at least I'm not running away. You can dress it up any way you want, Pacey. It still comes down to the same thing: You're giving up. Pacey: I'm giving up. Joey: Yeah, you. Pacey: Me? Joey: Mm-hmm! Pacey: Ha ha ha. Turn around. It's your wall. Joey: Mm-hmm. Pacey: It's unfinished... Just like us. Joey: Believe it or not, Pacey, this is not the ending that I asked for. Pacey: Me either. But it's the ending we got, isn't it? Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. [Scene: Dawson's backyard. Mitch and Gale are doing their rehearsal for the wedding with the Reverend present and Dawson and Joey as well.] Reverend: At this time, gale will begin her vows to Mitch. Gale: No offense, reverend, but I have at least 20 people coming for dinner in about an hour. Mitch: And seeing as how gale and I have done all this before— Reverend: Go on. We'll do the rest when it's for real. Gale: Thank you, reverend. [Mitch and Gale leave to do their things.] Dawson: I haven't finished my best man speech yet. Any thoughts? Joey: Oh. I don't have much to say about relationships these days, Dawson. Dawson: If you have someplace else you'd rather be, why don't you just go? Joey: What are you talking about? Dawson: Do I have to spell it out for you? Pacey's going-away party. Joey: I'm here, aren't I? Dawson: Yeah, in body, but not in spirit. You've got nothing positive to say. You're basically going through the motions with a scowl on your face. Joey: Dawson, I'm doing the best I can. Can you cut me some slack? Dawson: Cut me some slack, Joey. Don't make me feel like this! Joey: Like what? Dawson: Like you're stuck with me! I don't deserve that. Joey: You're right. I-- you don't. I'm-- I'm sorry. Dawson: Well, why don't you just go? All right? Give the guy my best. Joey: I'm staying. [Scene: The docks by True Love. Grams, Jen, Andie, Jack and Pacey are there having a going away party for Pacey.] Grams: Oh, look! Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. Ok, who wants to make the first wish? Jen: Oh, my god--ow! Ow. That's a piece of a crab shell. Chipped my tooth. Great. Great. Just what I need to keep men permanently away from me. Andie: Well, if that doesn't work, you can always join me this summer in the nunnery! Jack: At least you get to have relationships before they fail. Grams: Good grief. You all sound like a bunch of old ladies. Jen: Grams, it's been a tough couple of months. Grams: You don't know what tough is. Jen: No offense, grams, but you have no idea what our lives are like. Grams: What, you think I've never been in love before? Jen: Yeah. Once. With one man your whole entire life. Grams: You know, when I was... Just a few years older than you, I was working at Brunswick naval hospital, and I met a boy who had the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. He was leaving for Pusan in the morning, but we had an entire glorious day on the beach, and at the end of that day, he leaned in close to me and whispered, "will you wait for me?" Andie: So...What'd you do? Grams: I froze. I knew if I leaned just 2 inches closer, the world as I knew it would be changed forever. Jack: So you did nothing? Andie: You didn't kiss him, you didn't try to speak to him. You just did nothing. Nothing. Jack: Did you ever wonder what your life might have been like if you had kissed him? Grams: That is just the point. I don't have to wonder. The very next day, I got my best friend sally to cover the shift for me. And after 7 turbulent hours in the cargo hold of a CL30... I arrived in San Diego, went straight to the dock, and in front of the entire crew of the U.S.S. Missouri, I kissed him. Jen: That's funny. I had no idea gramps was in the Korean War. Grams: He wasn't. Thomas Culpepper... The boy with the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen... Died in Pusan in shallow water before he ever made it off the boat. 2 years later, I married your grandfather. So I had 46 wonderful years with one man and one perfect kiss with another. And I have no regrets. Wonder how many of you will be able to say that about your lives? [Scene: Dawson's Back Yard. Dawson is there when Gale comes up to him.] Gale: Have you seen Dan? Dawson: No. Have you seen Joey? Gale: Uh, no. [Cut to Dawson finding Joey] Dawson: Bessie called. She wants you to stop by the store on your way home. Joey: Thanks. Dawson: Joey, about this afternoon... I don't want to fight. That's the last thing I want to do. Joey: Well, I don't-- I don't want to fight either, Dawson. I'm sorry. If we're gonna have an honest relationship, Dawson, then there's... Something you should know. I broke things off with Pacey, not entirely, but in large part because... I didn't want to lose you. I may have lived across the creek, but it was only when I was rowing in this direction that I actually felt like I was rowing home. You're so much of my life, Dawson. I mean... Your house is my house and your family is my family, and there's not a single significant event I've experienced that you haven't experienced with me, and I was so afraid of losing that. But...If that wasn't the choice... And if I thought that there was a chance that you would forgive me... I may have chosen differently. And you deserve to know that. [Scene: Inside the Grams Mobile. Grams is driving and Jen is in the Passenger seat. Jack and Andie are in the back seat.] Grams: Jennifer? What's wrong? Jen: I wish that I hadn't let Henry go without telling him how I really feel. I wish... Now it's too late. Grams: It's never too late. Jen: Yeah, I suppose. Grams: Here's what I suppose. Jen: What on earth are you doing?! Grams: We are gonna catch that bus, and you're gonna tell that boy exactly how you feel. [Scene: On the corner near Joey's wall. Joey walks up to the corner carrying a bag, when Pacey who has been waiting for her, takes a bottle out of the bag.] Pacey: What took you so long? I got thirsty. I called Bessie, and she called you. I tell you, it is not easy work finishing things off. Joey: Pacey, what does this mean? Pacey: Well, it means you were right. That my leaving would be giving up on you. And I'm not quite prepared to do that just yet. But it also means that I need to know that you're not quite prepared to give up on me yet either. So, all that being said, I refer to the wall with its... Hastily yet adoringly written S.O.S., Which I guess kinda speaks for itself. I spent an hour and a half staring at this half-painted wall after we talked last night... Just staring and thinking. So, the way I figure it... It's your turn to stare now. [Pacey has painted on her wall “Ask Me to Stay”] [Scene: Dawson's Back Yard. The wedding is going on and Gale and Mitch are giving their vows. Joey and Dawson just watch them from the background.] Gale: I do promise to love you... In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I loved you before I knew you. I will love you for all eternity, for you are my beloved, Mitch. Mitch: You're my best friend. I loved you before I knew you, and I will love you for eternity, for you are my beloved. You're my best friend. Reverend: And now by the power vested in me, I'm happy to pronounce you husband and wife... Again. Mitch, you may kiss the bride. [Scene: Inside the Gram's Mobile. They are still on the road looking for Henry's bus.] Andie: Grams, you've been driving for hours! His bus could be anywhere by now. Jack: Yeah. We could have missed him. Grams: You can't miss a giant gray bus filled with high school football players. Like that one right there. Jen: Where? Oh, my god. Andie: Whoo! Oh, my god. Jack: Oh, my god! Ohh... [Scene: At the roadway rest stop. Jen is running around looking for Henry and shouting for him.] Jen: Ok! Henry? Um...Henry? Henry...Parker? Hey--Henry! Henry parker! Out of my way! Come on. Henry, you in there? [She is about to go into the bathroom when the bus driver stops her.] Bus Driver: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't go in there. What, have you lost your mind? Jen: Well, quite possibly, yes, I might have lost it. Henry... 9 months ago, you paid $500 to kiss me, and I was too dumb to realize what that meant and what you were really offering me, but I know now. It means that there really is such a thing as a second chance and that no matter how old or how jaded you are, when you meet the person you're supposed to be with, everything's gonna be new-- a sunset, a cheesy love song, and especially s*x. Boys: Whoo! Jen: Henry, I'm the reason we didn't have s*x after prom. Henry: Trust me, I know. Jen: Not because I was mad at you but because I was more nervous than you were. I have been with guys before, but I have never been with anybody that I loved, and in that way, I'm more of a virgin than you could ever be. [Laughter] Henry: thanks a lot. Jen: Come on. What do you care? Come here. Boys: Yeah! Whoo! [Chanting] Henry! Henry! Henry! Henry! [Scene: Outside Dawson's back porch. Joey runs into Pacey waiting there.] Joey: Look, I can't do it, Pacey. I can't give you a reason to stay. I have so much junk to work through, I don't even know where to begin the process at all. How I feel about you and how I feel about Dawson— Pacey: Then you've made your choice. Right there. You've made your choice. Good for you. Joey: I guess I have. Yeah. Pacey: Wasn't so hard, was it? Should have made it months ago. Saved us all a lot of time and energy. And heartache. [Dawson comes out of the house carrying a camera.] Dawson: I see all the members of the triangle are present and accounted for. Joey: Um, can I have this camera? I'm gonna go take some pictures. Pacey: Jo. Joey: Yep? Pacey: Don't I even get a good-bye? Joey: Good-bye, Pacey. [Joey takes the camera and leaves the two of them.] Dawson: Just wondering. [Sighs] what the hell are you doing here? Pacey: Ease up, man. I'm here for the wedding. Dawson: Last I heard, you were sailing the 7 seas. Pacey: As indeed I am. Tomorrow. Today I'm here for your parents. Dawson: I'll be sure to pass on your congratulations. Pacey: Yeah. Speaking of congratulations... I guess I should be passing some on to you. Dawson: What are you talking about? Pacey: Well, she made her choice, Dawson. You're it. You got what you wanted. Things are never gonna be the same between us, are they? Dawson: No. Pacey: Yeah. Yeah, I didn't think so. [Scene: At the rest stop. Henry and Jen are along the side of the bus talking. Jack, Andie and Grams are by the car waiting.] Henry: Yeah. I'll write you every day! Jen: Just come back in one piece! Boys: Whoo! Andie: That was awesome! Jack: You know you gotta resign from the bitter club now. Jen: Oh, I'll still be there in spirit. Grams: Oh, I am so proud of you. You showed great, great courage today. How does it feel? Jen: Well, I feel like an idiot. A happy idiot. Grams: Did she say happy? You don't know how long I've waited to hear you say that word. Jen: Yeah, you and me both. Been waiting a long time to feel it. Andie: Ok! Ok, enough hugging for today. Jen: You know, I think that we've still got one thing left to do on our carpe diem road trip. Jack, it's your turn. Jack: No. [Laughs] no. No way. Jen: Our era of regret ends right now. What's the fastest route to Boston? [Scene: In Dawson's Backyard under one of the tents. Dawson and Joey are there alone.] Dawson: You know, I used to be able to look in your eyes and know everything you were thinking. These days... I haven't a clue. Joey: I was just thinking about the summer... How much there's gonna be to do, and... I mean, we didn't get a chance to spend last summer together, you and I. We're gonna have a lot to catch up on. There'll be water-skiing with your dad, and, um... Fourth of July on Waldeck island and... We can even go into Boston for the weekend. I mean... That would be fun. [Scene: Outside the Boston College. Jack, Andie, Jen and Grams are there and they have spotted Ethan at a table talking to someone.] Andie: Yeah. Grams: Yeah. Jen: Yeah. Jack: All right, wish me luck. [Cut to Jack coming up to Ethan at the table.] Ethan: Jack! Jack: Hey. Ethan: Hey. Uh...What are you doing here? Jack: I--I just drove a really long way to tell you, um... More sort of to try and explain, really. No, I--I don't mean that. Uh... I wanna show you... Yeah, I wanna show you that I can and that I'm not afraid to... Oh, hell. This. Ethan: Uh...Jack... No. Jack: Uh... I know there's people around, but who cares, right? I mean, that's the whole point. I finally have the courage to do this. Ethan: Jack, this is brad. Jack: As in your ex-boyfriend brad? Ethan: Uh...No. Brad: As in his boyfriend brad. I think I'm gonna let you two talk this one out. See you at practice. Ethan: Ok. [Exhales] ha. Wow. Um...Ha. Ok. Explanation time. Jack: No. No explanations necessary. It's very clear to me that I just inducted myself into the halls of the permanently pathetic. Ethan: Please, jack, just listen. The timing just isn't there right now. And brad and I— Jack: yeah, I really don't want to hear about the details of your joyful union right now, ok? Ethan: Sure, jack. I'm sorry. I really am. [Scene: In Dawson's Backyard. Dawson is giving the Best Man speech. Joey is just watching him as Gale and Mitch are enjoying every word.] Dawson: The first time my parents got married, they were very young. They were just out of college. And, um, I remember looking at the photo album as a kid, wondering why I wasn't in any of the pictures. It's hard when you love someone that much to imagine them having this entire life that you weren't even there for. And I have to say that, uh... Being here today, experiencing this firsthand, finally getting to be in all the pictures, I wouldn't trade this for anything. 'Cause I'd much rather be a part of what you guys have now than what you had then, that point where everything is forgiven. And I think that's what love really means... That you can forgive anything. So... To my parents... Who taught me that love does not conquer all... That love ends... And begins again. Guests: Hear, hear. Cheers. [Scene: On Dawson's Pier. Joey and Dawson are there alone.] Dawson: Hey. Joey: Your speech was beautiful. Dawson: Thanks. Joey: What you said... Did you mean it, Dawson? Dawson: Every word. Which is why you should turn around and go. To Pacey. Joey: What? Dawson: Last year, you had the opportunity to go to Paris and study, and because of me, you didn't. Joey: Dawson, that wasn't your fault. Dawson: Yes, it was my fault, Joey. I should have made you go. But I was selfish, and I didn't want you to go. I wanted you to stay here with me. And I refuse to make that mistake again. Joey: Well, Dawson, I mean, what if it's my choice? What if I want to stay? Dawson: Joey...Come on. Even I can see it. Pacey is this year's Paris. And this time... You have to go. You have to see for yourself, all right? I can stand here and tell you that it's a colossal mistake and that all roads lead back to me, but that's not gonna make any bit of difference. Words and speeches sound great, but... They don't add up to anything. All that matters right now is what you want. Joey: I don't even know what I want, Dawson. Dawson: Yes, you do. You want him. You want him like I want you. You love him like I love you. [Laughs] the only difference is he loves you back the same way. And you deserve that. Ok? And I'm not gonna be the one who stands in the way of you getting that. You're free. You can do whatever you want. Joey: But, Dawson, I want us to still be friends, and I want to know that you don't hate me— Dawson: They're just words, Joey. They're just words. 'Cause after you're done dispensing your pleasantries here, you're gonna turn around and you're gonna walk away from me. Aren't you? Joey: I have to, otherwise, I'll never know. Dawson: Just go. Joey: But, Dawson— Dawson: jo, go, I'm telling you, before I take it all back, all right? Just go! Go. [Scene: Inside the McPhee Kitchen. Jack is cleaning up, when Jack comes into the house.] Mr. McPhee: Hey, jack, I'm glad you're back. Want to show you something. Jack: I'm not really in the mood right now. Mr. McPhee: Hey, what's the matter? Jack: I just wanna be alone. Mr. McPhee: Hey, hey, hey, you could talk to me. Jack: This is something you really don't wanna hear about, believe me. Mr. McPhee: You don't know that. Jack: Really? You wanna hear that I found out that Ethan got back together with his ex? You want to hear that I found that out after I kissed him? Mr. McPhee: Well, that's... Interesting. Jack: Yeah, it's-- it's interesting, right? Come on, admit it. The thought of me kissing another guy disgusts you. I disgust you! Mr. McPhee: That is not true. Jack: Yes, it is! Mr. McPhee: You're angry. You're hurting right now, but I will not let you pick an argument with me just so you can vent your frustration! Jack: No, no. I spent an entire year developing this relationship... And working on it. Now it's a wash! The whole year's a wash! My whole life's a wash! Mr. McPhee: Your life is not a wash! You hurt now because you had the guts to put yourself out there and go after what you wanted. Jack: [Sobs] I can't. [Sniffles] I can't keep going through this. It's like having all the problems of a typical teenager, and there's this whole other level of constant fear... And pain. Do you know the anguish I went through over a kiss- one stupid little kiss? Most people don't have to do that! Mr. McPhee: You're right. They don't. Jack: Then why me? I don't want to be different. I didn't ask to be gay. Mr. McPhee: No more than I asked for a gay son... But, boy, am I glad I got one. Jack: You don't mean that. Mr. McPhee: Yeah. I do. [Scene: Inside Dawson's Bedroom. Dawson is near tears as he walks up to his room, to discover Andie, Jen and Jack sitting there waiting for him.] Andie: Your official pick-me-up posse. Jen: Yeah. Andie and I were chatting and thought that maybe you could use a little company. So then I take it upon myself to call jack attack here and tell him to hurry over. Jack: And then I took it upon myself to run to the video store and grab some movies. Dawson: Thanks, guys. I really appreciate you coming over, but I really think what I need right now is to just— Jen: Sorry, Dawson. No can do. Andie: Yeah. I think that the words "I wanna be alone right now" are used far too often around here. Kinda ranks right up there with, uh... "Can we talk?" Jack: And there's those countless references towards all things Freud and Spielberg. Jen: Yeah. I'm pretty sure of it. We're not in Capeside anymore, Toto. There is some alternate reality where our intellects are sharper, our quips are wittier, and our hearts are repeatedly broken while faintly in the background, some soon to be out of date contempt pop music plays. Dawson: So why does it hurt so much? Jen: Because our pain makes us real, Dawson. But we can't do it alone. None of us can. Sit down. Dawson: So...What'd you guys do today? Andie: Oh, my god. You are not gonna believe these two. Well, it all started with Jen. Jen: Well... [Scene: On the Docks by “True Love” Joey comes running down the pier trying to catch up with Pacey. But he comes walking up from behind her.] Joey: Pacey! Pacey! Pacey! Pacey! Pace! Pacey? Pacey: You want something, jo? Joey: I want to talk to you. Pacey: No, no. A bit late for this now. I'm leaving. You can't stop me, so don't even try. Joey: No. That's not why I'm here. Pacey: So why are you here? You wanna say good-bye again? Maybe you wanted to rub it in a little bit, huh? Joey: Look, I don't want to stop you, Pacey, and I don't want to stop Dawson, and I don't want to be stopped, not by either of you, not by anyone, see? I mean, that's what this whole year has been about. We've been trying to stop each other from moving on and from growing up, but...But not you. I mean, you're different, and... You've challenged me every step of the way and you've been there every step of the way. Pacey: Jo, departure time is in t-minus 30 seconds, so if there's a point, I suggest you get to it. Joey: I think I'm in love with you. Pacey: You think or you know? Joey: I know. I've known it since the moment you kissed me and maybe even before that. And--[exhales]-- scary as it is, I don't want to deny it any more, Pacey. I don't want to run from it, and I don't want to let it run from me. Pacey: So... What are we gonna do here, jo? Joey: I wanna come with you. Pacey: Ha. What? You crazy? Joey: Mm-mmm. I wanna stop standing still. I wanna move forward. I wanna come with you. Pacey: What bout Bessie and the B&B? They need you. Joey: Not as much as I need you, Pacey. Pacey: Ah-ah-ah! Joey: [Chuckles] permission to come aboard? Pacey: Permission granted. You can swim, can't you? Joey: Of course. I'm just kinda worried about the next change of clothes. Pacey: That's nothing to worry about. We're gonna hit the next port in a few days. Joey: Few days? Pacey: Yeah! Or a few days after that. Who really cares?

Plan: A: their hasty wedding; Q: What are Gail and Mitch preparing for? A: Capeside; Q: Where does Pacey plan to leave after the wedding? A: Pacey; Q: Who does Joey confess her love to? A: the ceremony; Q: What does Pacey plan to leave after? A: a choice; Q: What does Joey have to make? A: Meanwhile, Jen regrets; Q: Who regrets ending things with Henry? A: his camp bus; Q: What does Jen chase to tell Henry how she feels? A: Jack pursues Ethan; Q: Who does Jack pursue? A: the outcome; Q: What is Jack unhappy with? A: his heartache; Q: What leads to a new connection with Jack's father? A: his father; Q: Who does Jack embrace for the first time in years? A: the boat; Q: What do Joey and Pacey leave on? Summary: Gail and Mitch prepare for their hasty wedding, while elsewhere in Capeside, Pacey finalizes plans to leave straight after the ceremony. As the day goes on, it becomes blindingly obvious that Joey must make a choice, and when a conversation takes place between her and Dawson, during which he accepts he must cease being selfish and allow Joey her freedom to make her own choices, she leaves to find Pacey, hoping to tell him how she really feels before he leaves Capeside. Meanwhile, Jen regrets ending things with Henry the way she did, and ends up chasing his camp bus to tell him how she feels. In another carpe diem moment, Jack pursues Ethan, the boy he took to the prom, although he is unhappy with the outcome. However, his heartache leads to a new connection with his father, and the two embrace for the first time in years. When Dawson returns to his house after crying for Joey at the side of the creek, he finds Jen, Jack and Andie sitting on his bed, waiting to support him after his rejection by Joey. Joey, meanwhile, manages to catch Pacey before he leaves, and instead of stopping him, confesses that she is in love with him, and leaves on the boat with him.

MUSIC IN: INT. AUTOPSY LAB - NIGHT (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) DUCKY: Corporal Liam Michael O'Neill. That's a good Irish name. I'm from Scotland myself. I hope you won't hold that against me. Twenty-four years old. Too young for us to be meeting on this chilly morning. United States Marine Corps. Found face down in a snow drift in Montrose Park. Well, how did you end up there, at six o'clock in the morning? Not stumbling home from a big night out, I trust. Now that would be a tragic waste of a young life. This is the place where death rejoices in teaching the living. Liam, what can you teach us? (LONG BEAT) Ooh. A wee bump. Oh, perhaps I spoke too soon. Perhaps you weren't the architect of your own destruction. (SFX: TEA KETTLE WHISTLES B.G.) (SFX: LIAM GASPS) DUCKY: Ah!! (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: There is nothing lucky about waking up during your own autopsy, Probie. MCGEE: Least you know you're not dead. TONY: Ducky's the one who's lucky. ZIVA: Why is Ducky lucky? TONY: Well, well. Look who's finally here. ZIVA: Oh, like you've never been late, left early, or gone mysteriously missing. TONY: Oh no, that's my point exactly. Tardiness is my middle name. In fact, it's expected of me. You, on the other hand, have become the poster girl for punctuality. (SFX: ZIVA LAUGHS) TONY: Late night? ZIVA: Early morning. Run. New route. Took longer than I expected. Will run faster tomorrow. Now why is Ducky lucky? TONY: We found a dead man walking. ZIVA: I've had enough of dead men walking. MCGEE: No, this one was really dead. Ducky was about to start the autopsy and he came back to life.... like Lazarus. TONY: No, like Liam. Liam O'Neill. Corporal. MCGEE: Who was a communications specialist attached to Marine Supply Division/Combat Support Hospital in Baghdad. TONY: On a fifteen day leave from his unit in Iraq. Third tour. ZIVA: Hardcore Marine. TONY: Due to fly back to Baghdad day after tomorrow. ZIVA: How does a man who is not dead, end up on Ducky's autopsy table? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY DUCKY: It was the Metro Police. They reported a dead man, not an unconscious one. You know, there's an old paramedic saying, "They're not dead until they're warm and dead." Can't really blame them. Face down in a snow drift, core temperature twenty degrees below normal. No discernible heartbeat. Could have been there for hours. It's not an unreasonable conclusion under the circumstances.(SFX: TEA KETTLE WHISTLES B.G.) GIBBS: C.P.R.? DUCKY: By their estimation, he was long dead. C.P.R. is for the recent dead. Never crossed their minds. You know, the physiology is very interesting. Faced with imminent death, the brain begins to switch off the lights to preserve the last flicker of life and hope. GIBBS: Prognosis? DUCKY: DUCKY: Well, children have been known to make a full recovery after being pulled from freezing rivers, ooh, two hours after they've apparently drowned. Adults are rarely so lucky. (CONT.) He'll be on a ventilator, and the hospital will constantly check his condition. GIBBS: Got nothing for us here, Duck. DUCKY: Well, on the contrary. He had a lump on his left temporal area, and bruising on the back and sides of his neck. He didn't fall into that snow drift. No, he was struck on the side of the head. His face was pushed into the snow, violently held by his neck and the back of the head. Probably until he stopped thrashing. How's that for starters? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. PARK CLEARING - DAY MCGEE: Not much to see. ZIVA: I wouldn't say that. (SFX: TONY TALKS INTO TELEPHONE B.G.) MCGEE: He sure calls her a lot. ZIVA: Oh, she calls him more often than he calls her. MCGEE: Meaning? ZIVA: Commitment issues. She is. He's not. TONY: (INTO PHONE) What time? Okay. Are you going to give me a clue about this mystery date? Jeanne, gym shoes is not a clue. Naked is a clue. You want me naked? All right, you don't want to see me naked. All right. I'll bring you gym shoes. 'Bye. ZIVA: Glad you could join us. TONY: Well, there's not much to see. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Appreciate it. (TO ALL) Corporal O'Neill was wearing a light shirt, and no jacket. What's that tell you, McGee? TONY: Jacket was stolen? ZIVA: Or he left it close by. GIBBS: Or someplace warm. MCGEE: There's no houses nearby. Service road's close, though. TONY: Car! MCGEE: Silver ninety-seven Mustang. License plate delta zulu one five lima three seven... MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY MCGEE: Bingo on the jacket. The motive wasn't robbery. Sequentially numbered bills. Freshly minted. Five hundred dollars. ZIVA: Heater is set high, ignition is on. Must have sat here with the engine running. TONY: Guess he left in a hurry. GIBBS: Well, he didn't leave fast enough. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: Good afternoon, Gibbs. GIBBS: Well, good afternoon, Abs. How did you know it was me? ABBY: Because I found something. And whenever I find something, you always know. Then you come see me. GIBBS: I do? ABBY: Well, yeah. If I didn't then you wouldn't be here. Have you been listening? GIBBS: You found what, Abs? ABBY: This. In his left trouser pocket. It's organic. GIBBS: Illegal? ABBY: We could smoke it and find out. Kidding. I'm going to let the mass spec smoke that. But I also found this, a receipt from a restaurant in Baghdad. GIBBS: Corporal's on his third tour, Abs. ABBY: But he's been on leave for three weeks. So what was he doing in Baghdad three days ago? See the date? I think he had a falafel... GIBBS: That's a good catch, Abby. ABBY: Do you think it's ESP? I mean, that you always know when I find something? And if it is ESP, are you reading my mind or am I sending you some sort of weird brain thoughts out of my head and into yours? Come back, Gibbs. Come back, Gibbs. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Boss, I got it. I cross-checked it with ICE. O'Neill left the country eight days ago using his own passport. He was traveling as a private citizen. Arrived back in the country two days ago. GIBBS: Record of travel? MCGEE: Direct to Frankfurt, then on to Baghdad. Came back the same way. TONY: Wouldn't call Baghdad one of your top ten tourist destinations. MCGEE: Especially if you've just come from there, and you're going back. ZIVA: And people shooting at you. TONY: Or trying to blow you up. GIBBS: Airline? MCGEE: He didn't fly commercial. Flew there and back with an air freight company called Fast Flight. Operates out of the warehouse near Dulles Airport. GIBBS: Address. Ziva? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY TAYLOR: (INTO PHONE) The landing fees are a rip-off. Damascus then. Well, what about Cairo? VOICE: (V.O./FILTERED) I've already checked. TAYLOR: (INTO PHONE) Look, you're just going to have to find me a better gas station right now or I'm going to have to push that damn plane all the way home. VOICE: (V.O./FILTERED) I'll find you something, Taylor. Don't sweat it. TAYLOR: (INTO PHONE) You do that! (TO GIBBS) Who are you? GIBBS: Federal agents. TAYLOR: NTSB? GIBBS: NCIS. TAYLOR: (LAUGHS) Right. You gotta love those acronyms. Maybe that's what this company needs. Huh? An acronym. ZIVA: Bad day, Mister Taylor? TAYLOR: I guess that depends on what you want. Excuse me. GIBBS: Liam O'Neill. You flew him to Baghdad and back this week. TAYLOR: All legal. Had a passport, cleared customs. Filed the paperwork. ZIVA: Why did he fly with you? TAYLOR: Fast Flight. Oh, F.F. There's an acronym for you. Stands for free flights. ZIVA: You flew him free of charge? TAYLOR: Ex-Royal Air Force, a good deed for a serving Marine. Don't get a lot of people hitching a ride to Baghdad. ZIVA: Why was he going to Baghdad? TAYLOR: Ah, said he was on leave. He just found out his unit had been hit. One of his buddies was wounded. Wanted to see him. What's he done? ZIVA: Someone tried to kill him. TAYLOR: (BEAT) Is he going to be okay? ZIVA: Maybe. GIBBS: Something you want to add? TAYLOR: Some guys met him outside Baghdad International Airport. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: What guys? ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Yes. TAYLOR: (SPELLS) B.A.G.s. Bad ass guys. With guns.(SFX: ZIVA SPEAKS QUIETLY INTO THE PHONE) GIBBS: Plenty of them in Baghdad. You ask him about it on the flight home? TAYLOR: Wasn't very talkative. His buddy didn't make it. ZIVA: Someone's with Corporal O'Neill at the hospital. GIBBS: Next of kin? ZIVA: He has no next of kin. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY FRANKS: Hello, Probie. GIBBS: Hello, Mike. You know this Marine? FRANKS: He's my son. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (SFX: STEADY BEEP TONES B.G.) ZIVA: Here you go. Black. No sugar. FRANKS: Thanks. GIBBS: You never told me you had a son. FRANKS: Didn't find out 'till a couple of years ago. Got a phone call one day. It was him. He tracked me down. We met. Had a few beers. He was just about to deploy. Didn't hear from him again until a couple of days ago. Said he was in trouble. GIBBS: What kind of trouble? FRANKS: Didn't say. You wouldn't know it now, but he's got his mother's hair. Used to blow across her face and get in her eyes. She'd get so pissed! And I'd laugh. She died a few years ago. We were only together the six months. Didn't even know she was pregnant when she left. GIBBS: What do the doctors say? FRANKS: What doctors always say. Not much that makes any sense. Doing tests. Brain waves and reflexes. All that neurological stuff. Do you know who did this, Probie? GIBBS: Not yet. FRANKS: Guess you wouldn't tell me if you did. GIBBS: No. You need a place to stay tonight, Mike? FRANKS: Might just stay here with my boy. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ADMISSIONS - DAY GIBBS: Is there any hope? LEISTEN: As I was just explaining to your colleague, the patient is unresponsive to external stimuli. GIBBS: His name's Corporal O'Neill. LEISTEN: Corporal O'Neill. There's still more testing to do, which will determine if there's any cerebral circulation present. But at this point, it would e wrong to offer any hope. GIBBS: When will you know for certain? LEISTEN: Tomorrow. ZIVA: Thank you. LEISTEN: Sure. (LEISTEN WALKS O.S.) ZIVA: He knows? GIBBS: He knows. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CLIMBING WALL - NIGHT JEANNE: Didn't I say gym shoes? TONY: Oh, yeah. Well, you know me. Always following doctor's orders. JEANNE: Did you ever climb one of these before? TONY: No. JEANNE: Nervous? TONY: Should I be? JEANNE: It's a long way up. TONY: Oh, yes is it. And once you're up, it's a long way down. JEANNE: Oh, you're all strapped in. You'll be fine. (SFX: TONY GRUNTS/GASPS) TONY: (GASPING) Oh, you want to ease that one off a little bit? Thank you. JEANNE: I'll be climbing beside you. Let me just.... TONY: Okay. JEANNE: Good look for you. Okay. TONY: Is this going to be a race? JEANNE: No, speed climbing is for the experts. TONY: Experts like you? JEANNE: When you're ready. TONY: Huh. Okay. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CLIMBING) (SFX: LAUGHTER) TONY: So what do I get if I beat you to the top? JEANNE: You get to tell me you love me. TONY: If I don't beat you? JEANNE: You still get to tell me you love me. TONY: So is that followed by other physical pursuits? JEANNE: If you're not too tired. TONY: Oh. I'm never too tired. JEANNE: Hey, wait! (MUSIC OVER ACTION) JEANNE: Cheater! You told me you'd never climbed before! TONY: No, I said I've never climbed one of these before...... (MUSIC OVER ACTION) TONY: Oh, I'm going to beat you. And I'm there! You're good! JEANNE: You're better. How can I ever trust you again? Where did you learn to climb? TONY: There was this big ol' pine tree in my back yard. It was about three times higher than we are now. And I used to climb it all the way to the tippity top. One day I refused to come down and my mom called the fire department. JEANNE: Why didn't you want to come down? TONY: The view was too beautiful. Just like it is now. JEANNE: (LONG BEAT) You beat me to the top. You know what that means. TONY: Other physical pursuits? Last one down is on top. (SFX: TONY RAPELS DOWN THE ROCK FACE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: It's just so sad, you know? You have a son you never knew about for all those years. And then right when you find out. Oh, it doesn't seem fair. Maybe you should call all your old girlfriends, you know, just to check. MCGEE: That won't take long. What I mean is, I can't imagine any of them having a baby without telling me. Tony, on the other hand... (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) ABBY: Last ten numbers called and received. MCGEE: And voicemail. (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES) MCGEE: MCGEE: The voicemail is protected by a pin number. And it's going to take some time. Okay, a bunch of international calls. Prefix nine six four. It's Iraq's country code. (CONT.) Five calls back and forth to Fast Flight. Second to last dialed and second to last received are the same number. In the name of Pagoda Investments. It looks like we might have a money trail. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Company is owned by Jalil Shaloub. Known to his friends and enemies as "Jimmy." Small time investment advisor, big time loan shark. Also on Homeland Security's watch list. Iraqi father. Lebanese mother. Moved here after the first Gulf War. ZIVA: Any active surveillance? MCGEE: None that anyone is admitting to. Shaloub channels money into a Beirut investment bank, which may or may not support Hezbollah. ZIVA: Hezbollah? He walks a dangerous path. TONY: What's the connection with Corporal O'Neill? ZIVA: Could be software, hardware, troop deployments, timetables. O'Neill could be a seller. MCGEE: Or a buyer. TONY: Either way he keeps bad company. MCGEE: You think Franks knows? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. JIMMY SHALOUB'S OFFICE ZIVA: Know him, Mister Shaloub? JIMMY SHALOUB: Marine Corporal Liam O'Neill. He came to see me. GIBBS: When? JIMMY SHALOUB: Two days ago. GIBBS: About? JIMMY SHALOUB: What all of my clients come to see me about, Agent Gibbs. Money. GIBBS: You give him any? JIMMY SHALOUB: No, I decided he was too risky a proposition. ZIVA: What interest rate do you charge? JIMMY SHALOUB: Why? Do you need a loan? ZIVA: (CHUCKLES) Fifty per cent? One hundred percent? Two hundred per cent? I would say the risk is theirs. How much did Corporal O'Neill want? JIMMY SHALOUB: Twenty-five thousand dollars. GIBBS: For? JIMMY SHALOUB: My policy is not to ask. ZIVA: Maybe you didn't have to. JIMMY SHALOUB: We met, we drank coffee, we did not do business. He told me nothing about why he needed the money. GIBBS: How soon did he need it? JIMMY SHALOUB: Immediately. GIBBS: Cash? JIMMY SHALOUB: Of course, all my clients prefer cash. GIBBS: Even the ones in Beirut and Baghdad? JIMMY SHALOUB: I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. From all the questions you're asking, I can only assume that Corporal O'Neill is involved in some criminal activity, Agent Gibbs. ZIVA: You mean like you? JIMMY SHALOUB: If you believed that, Officer David, we would be meeting in your office, not mine. GIBBS: (V.O.) Is there someone you can call? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Might have a friend in Tel Aviv. GIBBS: Make it happen, Ziva. ZIVA: Shared intelligence. GIBBS: I'd settle for any. McGee? Turn over the rock on this guy: company records, IRS, bank details. MCGEE: I'll check the Homeland Security file. What am I looking for? GIBBS: You'll know it when you see it. (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) GIBBS: How is he? FRANKS: They're done testing. Liam mixed up with him? GIBBS: McGee. FRANKS: Who is he? GIBBS: Can't say. FRANKS: Whatever he's done - good or bad - he's still my boy. GIBBS: Nothing else I can tell you. FRANKS: It's not why I'm here. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: That's everything - apart from his clothing, and his car. We're still checking that for prints. FRANKS: Said it belonged to his mother. Her religion... and mine. It's war and peace. Can you release these? I need one more thing, Probie. A witness. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (SFX: STEADY BEEP TONES B.G.) (SFX: BEEP TONES QUICKEN) FRANKS: That's okay. (SFX: CURTAIN CLOSES) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/FRANKS PLACES THE ROSARY IN LIAM'S HAND) (SFX: STEADY BEEP TONE UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: I waited for you, Gibbs. GIBBS: You got something. ABBY: I do. And you're not going to like it. The print on the left was lifted from inside Liam's car. The print on the right is a match from our data base. Franks was in the car, Gibbs. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: How much did Franks know? ZIVA: Not enough to save his son. TONY: Maybe not much at all. You ever tell your dad what you were up to, Probie? MCGEE: Everyday. TONY: Wrong person to ask. ZIVA: Liam flew to Baghdad, met some bad guys. Flew back, and someone tried to kill him. MCGEE: Succeeded. ZIVA: Deal gone wrong, maybe? GIBBS: Dealing what? ZIVA: He was a communications specialist - equipment, software, secrets. TONY: Only had limited access. Didn't know any secrets. (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah. Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Any news for me, Probie? GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Could be, Mike. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Come on in. I'll brief you. (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (INTO PHONE) Why don't you come to me? GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Where? (SCENE CUT) FRANKS: (V.O./FILTERED) Fourth and H by the South Beach Freeway. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I'll be right there.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) TONY: Need any backup, Boss? GIBBS: Friend, not foe, Dinozzo. TONY: We hope. (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES) JEANNE: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey, you've reached Jeanne. Leave a message. TONY: (INTO PHONE) Hey, this is your friendly neighborhood stalker leaving his third message of the day. I hope everything's okay. Call me when you can. Ciao. ZIVA: Did she give you the cold elbow? TONY: Shoulder. And no. She has very warm shoulders to me. ZIVA: Are you two fighting? TONY: We don't fight. ZIVA: Well maybe she does and you haven't even noticed. Or maybe you said something that hurt her. Or maybe you said nothing, when you should have said something. TONY: Hmm. She's just busy. High stress job. Not a lot of time for phone calls. Do you mind? ZIVA: Of course. TONY: Thanks. (INTO PHONE) Hi, I'm trying to contact Doctor Jeanne Benoit. I was wondering if you might-- OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) Oh, I'm sorry. She's already left for today. TONY: She has? What time? OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) About an hour ago. Would you like to leave a message? TONY: (INTO PHONE) No. No message. OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) Okay, then. TONY: (INTO PHONE) I'll call her at home. Thanks. OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. INDUSTRIAL AREA - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) GIBBS: Found your prints in his car, Mike. FRANKS: Figured you probably would. GIBBS: You should have told me you saw him. FRANKS: Didn't want you asking me too many questions. GIBBS: About? FRANKS: What my son was involved in. GIBBS: Are you going to tell me? FRANKS: I saw him a couple of days ago. He needed money. Just about cleaned me out. But I got it for him. Twenty-five thousand. He took five hundred, asked me to hold the rest. Said it was safer that way. Said he would call me when he needed it. Never called. GIBBS: What's this about? FRANKS: Wouldn't tell me. GIBBS: He wouldn't tell you, or you won't tell me? FRANKS: We're getting more alike, you and me, Probie. Even feeling the same pain. I don't know how you didn't go crazy when you lost your little girl. Maybe you did for a while. Maybe you still are. I just know I got to do what's right for my boy. I owe him that. GIBBS: Let me handle it. You got to be somewhere? FRANKS: I want the body sent to my place in Mexico when Ducky's done with it. Can you arrange that for me? GIBBS: I don't want to have to come after you, Mike. FRANKS: Then don't. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. JEANNE'S APARTMENT - DAY (KNOCK ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) TONY: Hey.(SFX: MUSIC B.G.) JEANNE: Hey back. TONY: I left some messages. I was getting kind of worried. JEANNE: I'm fine. TONY: I'm not getting that "I'm fine" feeling from you, Jeanne. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT - DAY TONY: I was going to bring you flowers....(DOOR CLOSES) JEANNE: Where are they? TONY: Uh... I didn't want to stop. Big mistake. Jeanne, this is about uh... about what I didn't say when I beat you to the top, right? JEANNE: I wanted to believe it... you didn't understand what I was saying. I wanted to give you a second chance. And a third chance, and a fourth chance. I've... said it now, Tony, and you never have. TONY: Well, that's not true. JEANNE: "Love you" after "other physical pursuits" is not the same as "I love you." And please, don't insult either of us by saying it now. TONY: Even if I mean it? JEANNE: I don't think you know if you mean it. I love you. Now you need to figure out if you feel the same way. TONY: I don't want to hurt you. JEANNE: Then just go now and figure out what it is that you want for us. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Ziva, talk to your friend yet? ZIVA: Shaloub is a person of interest, but that is all. No known terrorist links. More concerned with money than ideology. GIBBS: It's Mike Franks' rental. Put a BOLO on it. ZIVA: Well, if he has been here, he's probably booked into a hotel or motel. GIBBS: Start checking. McGee. MCGEE: I'm still trying to crack Liam's voice mail security code. It's a matter of time. GIBBS: It's something we don't have. Dinozzo. TONY: Boss. GIBBS: You help Ziva. ZIVA: Hey, not good? TONY: Not good. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: Gibbs! You shouldn't be here. I don't have anything for you, and I didn't send out any "calling Gibbs" vibes. GIBBS: I'm not psychic, Abs. Just checking. Did Mike try to get any information about the case? ABBY: I barely saw him. GIBBS: Hasn't phoned? ABBY: No. You thought he might try to sneak a peek at the evidence? GIBBS: I would. ABBY: Well then why didn't he - seeing as you two are so much alike? Peas in a pod, Gibbs. Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum. (SFX: BEEP TONES) ABBY: Whoa, Gibbs! You knew before I knew it knew! Before it knew it knew! The green compound we found in Corporal O'Neill's pants pocket. That's what I was going to call you about. This is getting really spooky. Lawsonia inermis. More commonly known as Henna. It's used in body art. Mostly in the Middle East. It's beautiful, but it doesn't last. Not like a real tattoo. GIBBS: Other uses? ABBY: A hair dye. But the tattoos are really cool. They have a lot of intricate patterns and shadings. I should probably get one. What do you think? Don't answer out loud. Just think it. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) ABBY: I'll take that as a "no." [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY DUCKY: Well, here we are again, dear boy. Not the outcome for which either of us had hoped. No more miracles, just answers. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) DUCKY: You're two hours early, Jethro. I'm only just beginning. GIBBS: I need tattoos, Ducky. DUCKY: Ah, a direct query demanding a direct response, which in this case, is a direct no. Somewhat surprising for a young Marine. (PHONE RINGS) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Autopsy. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Is Gibbs with you, by any chance? DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Yes, he is. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Tell him I cracked the code, okay? DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Indeed. (TO GIBBS) Timothy says to tell you that he's cracked the code, whatever that may mean. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) DUCKY: No peace. Even for the dead. Just wanted to make sure. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: There's only one message in Liam's in-box. VOICE: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey, buddy. Your package arrived at the end of the week. If you want to pick it up, the price just doubled. ZIVA: Nick Taylor. MCGEE: The last call that Liam made was to Fast Flight. Maybe it was to arrange a meeting. TONY: They meet. They argue. They fight. ZIVA: Logged into FAA, Gibbs. Fast Flight - F-F- seven-one-six freight service from Baghdad. We have a problem. It landed an hour and a half ago. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL MOVE INTO THE WAREHOUSE/ SEARCH AROUND CONTAINERS) ZIVA: Clear! TONY: Clear! MCGEE: Clear. ZIVA: Somebody beat us to it. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY DUCKY: Multiple victims. Multiple wounds. GIBBS: Pray and spray. DUCKY: Possibly. But dead in a matter of fifteen or twenty minutes before you arrived. Jethro, do you think... GIBBS: I'm not speculating, Duck. I want evidence. ZIVA: Gibbs. Blankets, pillows, water bottles. MCGEE: All the comforts of home. ZIVA: Human cargo. MCGEE: Looks to be three of everything. ZIVA: But only two bodies, assuming Taylor was already here at the office. GIBBS: One got away. ZIVA: The shooter? GIBBS: Maybe. MCGEE: Boss... (GIBBS LOOKS AT THE SMALL BOOK) GIBBS: Arabic. ZIVA: That's a Koran. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: The FAA says all the paperwork was in order when the flight landed. GIBBS: Customs? ZIVA: Only checked the cargo manifest. No X-ray, no physical search of air containers. It was unloaded and taken straight to the warehouse. GIBBS: Air crew? ZIVA: Oblivious. Still at the airport overseeing an engine inspection. MCGEE: Got an I.D. on the other two victims here. Peter Thomas McLean, Private, United States Army. Reported missing three weeks ago from the U.S. Army base in Wuerzburg, near Frankfurt. ZIVA: Missing? MCGEE: Deserted. Unit was shipped to Iraq two days after he disappeared. Second victim is Franz Bernhard Schuler. He's a German National wanted by Interpol for murder. Killed a cop. Believed to be trying to flee Europe for the United States. ZIVA: Made it. Almost. TONY: Taylor was running a passenger service for bad guys. I wonder how much the tickets were? MCGEE: Too much. ZIVA: Which leads us to passenger number three, Muslim and missing. MCGEE: Terrorist? ZIVA: Might explain all the dead bodies. Left no one alive to identify him. TONY: Or maybe just a frightened witness who got away. GIBBS: Anything? TONY: Phone company can't track him. Franks must have his cell phone off. MCGEE: He knows we'd be trying to get a hold of him. (PHONE RINGS) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) McGee. OFFICER: (V.O./FILTERED) This is Metro. We have a hit on your BOLO. MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Where? (OFFICER FILTERED VOICE B.G.) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Got it. Thank you. (TO GIBBS) Metro Police just found Franks' car. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY ZIVA: We could fall back and set up surveillance. GIBBS: Ah, it's too late. TONY: Must be a dozen hotels within a mile of here, Boss. Parked and walked? GIBBS: That's what I'd do. TONY: I'll starting checking them as soon we get back. (SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS) TONY: Oh, boy! (BEAT) Recently fired. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Do you think he did it? ZIVA: Mike Franks is a very capable man. MCGEE: That extend to murder? TONY: Revenge. Taylor killed his son. MCGEE: Still murder... GIBBS: Dinozzo. TONY: Ah... seventeen hotels and motels within fifteen minutes walk of where we found the car. I'm e-mailing the photo of Franks now. GIBBS: Glock? ZIVA: Ah, registered to Nick Taylor. He was a licensed shooter. GIBBS: McGee, you found anything under that rock yet? MCGEE: I'm still working, Boss. GIBBS: IRS? MCGEE: Clean bill of health. Shaloub pays his taxes. Files his returns. Pagoda's got a modest turnover. The more you look, the less you see. TONY: He's got to hide his money somewhere, Probie. ZIVA: No association with any charities? MCGEE: I know where you're headed, but he's not making any big donations to suspect charities. GIBBS: Travel? MCGEE: In and out of the country seven times over the last four months. Which is odd because this guy is meticulous with his tax returns. He lists all his deductions. All that travel and he didn't claim it as a business expense. TONY: Well someone must have been paying for him. ZIVA: Or he wasn't paying at all. GIBBS: Check when and where he flew against FAA records. MCGEE: All that's going to tell us is what airline he flew. Typing. Same airline every time. Fast Flight. GIBBS: Go get him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM JIMMY SHALOUB: Sometimes I fly Fast Flight instead of scheduled commercial flights. I wasn't breaking the law, Agent Gibbs. Or any FAA regulations. ZIVA: Fast Flight is only registered to carry freight, not passengers. JIMMY SHALOUB: I wasn't a paying passenger. ZIVA: Taylor was doing you a favor? JIMMY SHALOUB: Let me tell you what you clearly don't know, Agent Gibbs. I helped finance Fast Flight. What you might call a silent partner. Not one of my wiser investment decisions. GIBBS: When? JIMMY SHALOUB: Twelve months ago. ZIVA: How much? JIMMY SHALOUB: Initial outlay was half a million dollars. I have pumped in as much again in the last six months. Free flights to Europe were the only return I was seeing on my money. The company is failing. Taylor is incompetent. GIBBS: Was. JIMMY SHALOUB: (BEAT) Something's happened? ZIVA: You should know. You were there. JIMMY SHALOUB: Where? ZIVA: The warehouse. GIBBS: Three men shot dead, including Taylor. JIMMY SHALOUB: I had nothing to do with this. GIBBS: Why did you do it? JIMMY SHALOUB: I just told you I didn't! ZIVA: Because Taylor was smuggling people into the country and didn't tell you? JIMMY SHALOUB: No! GIBBS: Or you just found out and wanted a cut of the action. JIMMY SHALOUB: No! I had nothing to do with this, Agent Gibbs. You've got the wrong man. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY (SFX: GUNFIRE) (MUSIC OVER ACTION) MCGEE: What's this white stuff? ABBY: Calcium oxide. MCGEE: Lime? Did you use it to dust for prints? ABBY: No. It was already there. There were no prints. Must have been wiped. MCGEE: So how did the lime get on there? ABBY: Same way the crystalline silica did. And it wasn't just on the grip. It was in the slide action. I had to clean it up before I could fire it. (SFX: RAPID BEEP TONES) ABBY: Ooh. MCGEE: Bad? ABBY: Bad. GIBBS: (V.O.) How bad? ABBY: The striations on the bullets match the Glock found in Mike Franks' car. It's the murder weapon. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (INTO PHONE) Thanks. (TO GIBBS) Found Franks, Boss. Booked into a hotel fifteen minutes walk from where we found the car. False name, paid cash. Manager I.D.ed him from the photo I emailed. Hotel's at one-one-two-seven Church Avenue. Franks is still there. ZIVA: Will we bring him in? MCGEE: It's glass, Boss. Crystalline silica and calcium oxide - used in glass-making. It was all over the Glock. Even in the slide-action. Abby had to clean it before she could fire it. Anyway, there is a glass manufacturer right next to the Fast Flight warehouse. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM JIMMY SHALOUB: Agent Gibbs, GIBBS: Take off your shoes. JIMMY SHALOUB: What? MCGEE: Need to look at your shoes. (MUSIC OVER ACTION) GIBBS: Wallet. Sequential serial numbers. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM GIBBS: (MUFFLED) Where's the rest? JIMMY SHALOUB: (MUFFLED) You think you can intimidate me, Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: (MUFFLED) McGee? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM MCGEE: Looks like traces of calcium oxide and crystalline silica in the treads. GIBBS: It's used in glass manufacturing. MCGEE: Hollander Glass Company is right next door to Fast Flight. Did you ever notice all that white stuff on the... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM MCGEE: (V.O.)... ground behind the back of their building? That is crystalline silica and calcium.... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM MCGEE: ...oxide. GIBBS: You got it on your shoes when you dumped this into the dumpster behind their building. You should have left it at the scene. JIMMY SHALOUB: It wasn't me! GIBBS: I've got a witness!! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: I hope we've got a witness. ZIVA: If we can find him. JIMMY SHALOUB: (MUFFLED) I had nothing to do with the murder of that.... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM JIMMY SHALOUB: ...Marine. Taylor was out of control. Trying to cash-flow his business by people-smuggling. He wouldn't let them leave because he wanted more money. Then he pulls that gun on me. I took it off him! I was defending myself! GIBBS: What about the other two?(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY GIBBS: Hey! We got him. FRANKS: I knew you'd figure it out eventually, Probie. GIBBS: Unfinished business. That why you went there? FRANKS: I owed him that. GIBBS: Paid the rest of the cash, picked up the package. FRANKS: Came back to the hotel. GIBBS: But you went back again, didn't you, Mike? FRANKS: Shaloub was already there. I heard the shots. I saw him come out of the building in a panic. I saw him wipe the weapon, and toss it over into the dumpster. GIBBS: You were going to plant it in his car, then give me a call? FRANKS: That was the idea. But you found my rental, and I didn't get a chance. GIBBS: Well, you were a witness. You didn't need to do that, unless you had something to hide, Mike. FRANKS: She's from Mexico. (GIBBS HANDS FRANKS THE KORAN) FRANKS: We left in a bit of a hurry. They were going to be married. Her family in Baghdad said that she shamed them. She's been in hiding for six months. He was desperate to get her out. I don't think any of this is relevant to your case, Probie. GIBBS: I guess not, Mike. (SFX: BABY CRIES B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL ROOM (CAMERA CLOSE ON SCREEN/ PHOTOS OF JEANNE AND TONY) (MUSIC UP AND OUT)

Plan: A: Ducky's table; Q: What table was the man on? A: the unit; Q: Who must track the young Marine's actions? A: the morgue; Q: Where does the man on Ducky's table end up? A: leave; Q: What was the young Marine on when he went to Baghdad? A: Baghdad; Q: Where did the Marine go on his secret trip? A: a turn; Q: What does the case take? A: Mike Franks - Gibbs' old boss; Q: Who is Mike Franks? Summary: When the man on Ducky's table turns out to still be alive the unit must track the young Marine's actions prior to his arrival in the morgue. They discover that the Marine had been on leave and used his time off for a secret trip to Baghdad. The case takes a turn when Mike Franks - Gibbs' old boss shows up revealing that the young Marine is in fact his long-lost son.

Opening scene - It opens on a breathtaking view of the water and the coast, then the camera pans quickly along an aerial view lots of houses until finally we are in the Cohen house. Seth is dancing very energetically in his robe & PJ's in the hallway, he makes his way into the kitchen at which point he makes a face, and pretends that he's sick. Sandy & Ryan are both in there Seth: (groans, holds his stomach & touches his head) do I have a fever, I think I might have a fever and or the chills Ryan: (skeptical) since when Seth: since recently Sandy: so you're not feelin well? Seth: (sighs) no I feel fine (really badly fake coughs - lol) (Ryan looks at him) jus my heads a little bit achy and my stomachs kinda weird (holding his stomach) I'm ok Sandy: c'mere (touches Seth's head, Seth turns to face him and swallows really grossly, again Ryan just looks at him with a 'you gotta be kidding' look) huh you don't feel warm Seth: what about cold or clammy (Sandy shakes his head) Ryan: (with his head down) maybe you've got the Summer flu Seth: yeah it's November but it's possible Ryan: maybe you need some (looks at him) Anna-biotics (Ryan raises his eyebrows for emphasis) Sandy: do you not wanna go to school? Seth: (over enthusiastically) NO, no dad no I wanna go to school ok Sandy: ok Seth: (fake concern) I'm jus worried about infecting others Sandy: no you're right we can't take a chance we should just take you straight to the emergency room, just to be sure Seth: (sighs) ok...or I could stay home an-an try an sleep it off Ryan: or you could go to school face Summer an Anna (raises eyebrows) an apologise! (Sandy is smiling) Seth: first of all ah no second of all hmm no, why would I? Sandy: (wide eyed) oh... the SUMMER flu, I just...got it (patting Ryan on the shoulder) that was good Seth: ok look it's not my fault that they both tried to kiss me on thanksgiving (defensively) what was I supposed to do ah not kiss back, say no stop risk hurting their feelings Sandy: well it seems to me you already did hurt their feelings Seth: yeah perhaps I did but what about my feelings ok, hello I was the one who was assaulted I am the victim here (Ryan frowns trying to make sense of it) Kirsten: (walking in, in her dressing gown) (to Seth) hey how come your not dressed your gonna be late Sandy: and so are you or is that what ladies are wearin these days to yogalaties. Taryn called to remind you that today is the first day of your yogalaties workshop Seth: ok mom...yogalaties? Kirsten: ugh I don't know if I'm gonna go, I'm not feeling well Seth: see it's contagious Sandy: you know honey you might still be a little hung over Kirsten: from what? Seth: uh gee I don't know getting drunk and passing out on thanksgiving Kirsten: hey! I had two glasses of wine Sandy: whoa Kirsten: three (Seth holds up both hands to Ryan and mouths 'ten' Ryan smiles) Kirsten: and I'm sure Julie Cooper has spread word around town that Kirsten Cohen now has a drinking problem Sandy: which is why you have to go to yogalaties, cause you know those chatty old newpsies 'll just assume that you're at home sleepin off another bender (laughs) Ryan: (to Seth, smugly) and Summer and Anna will assume your to afraid to face them Seth: hey I'm not afraid of Summer an Anna alright...well I'm not afraid of Anna Ryan: so you're goin to school Sandy: (to Kirsten) an you're goin to yogalaties Kirsten: you just like saying that Sandy: yogalaties (shrugs) I kinda do yogalaties Ryan: yoooogalaties Kirsten: (to Seth) you know what I wanna know Sandy: yogalaties (smiles) Kirsten: is why these two are so smug! Seth: because for once they didn't do anything wrong Sandy: (smiles, stops) that's true (walks over to Ryan) here's to ya! Ryan: back atcha (clink coffee cups) Kirsten: enjoy it boys because knowing the two of you, it wont last long Sandy: yogalaties (Ryan smiles) Theme Song - California by Phantom Planet Harbor school - Ryan, Marissa & Luke are in class Mr. Bendis: your class presentations will account for one third of your final grade, along with your term papers and of course the final-exam. I'll be dividing the class into two person teams (Marissa writes a note to Ryan and slides it to him) each team will be responsible for presenting a detailed account of a pivotal event or period in European history (Ryan looks around before reading the note and inadvertently looks at look Luke, Luke looks away & Ryan looks down at the table uncomfortably) now I've already had quite a few a partnership requests (Ryan reads the note it says 'We could do the crusades?') however in all fairness to the other students (Ryan raises his eyebrows at Marissa & Marissa smiles) I will select the teams myself at random ok (Marissa's smile goes) Lauren and Kenny the French revolution, Ryan an Luke the Spanish inquisition (Ryan looks shocked, and looks at Marissa who also looks shocked, Ryan then looks at Luke who doesn't look happy about it) Stephanie and Bobbie the prodestant reformation, Stephanie are you listening? (Ryan looks back at Marissa, she just shrugs) Stephanie. Miss Savage please CUT TO: Outside at the lunch tables, Seth, Ryan & Marissa are walking together Seth: you an Luke? Marissa: I know! Seth: (laughs) holy UN holy alliances Marissa: see this is why I asked Mr. Bendis a week ago if we could be partners, to avoid a situation like this Seth: (sits down) why who did you get? Marissa: (sits down) oooh Marcie Ross an I are doing Cortez and the Aztecs Seth: hey I like Marcie Ross she's got a good smile on her, its innocent but its knowing Marissa: you goin after Marcie now to? Seth: hey hey I'm the victim here ok Marissa: don't tell me tell Summer... (nods) and Anna and hey eventually you might wanna tell uh Marcie to Seth: mmhmm (to Ryan) what are you an Luke doing (to Marissa) that was me ignoring you by the way Ryan: Spanish inquisition, I'm spose to meet him at his house after school Seth: your goin into the belly of the beast your gonna go into the heart of darkness Marissa: hey its not gonna be that bad, I mean who knows you guys might even end up being friends Seth: (girly) hmm Ryan: you think? Marissa: (shakes her head) no it's too weird, I mean my ex-boyfriend hanging out with my boyfriend, what're you guys gonna talk about Seth: I can only think of one thing (smirks) (Marissa points to herself as if to say 'me'? Ryan just smiles at her) CUT TO: Sandy & Jimmy at Jimmy's house Sandy: so I talked to my guy at the SEC and your clients and they all agree that if you make full restitution by January first (makes a hand motion as if to say' no problems') Jimmy: (opening the door) but that means selling the house Sandy: (walking in) well it also means a avoiding criminal prosecution, and jail time Jimmy: (shutting the door) (sighs) look I can't sell the house now it's almost the holidays...I can't do that to Julie and Caitlyn Sandy: they wouldn't have to move out right away y'know just have the realtor show the house when Julie's out an Caitlyn's at school Jimmy: what if she says no I mean she's got her name on the title to, what if Julie wont sell Sandy: well what choice does she have, she can't afford to live there if you're in jail Jimmy: now that's she's got Caleb Nichol in her pocket (sigh) CUT TO: Harbor school - Summer & Marissa are in the bathroom Summer: (o.s) you had lunch with him Marissa: (coming out of the stall) no I had lunch with Ryan, Seth was just you know there (washes her hands) Summer: I cannot believe you, Coop where is your loyalty? what'd he say? Marissa: nothing, I'm not getting involved Summer: oh that means he said something. what'd he say? I'm just curious Marissa: (laughs and rolls her eyes) nothing, I told you (Anna comes in, she and Marissa say hi silently, then Marissa leaves) Summer: (flushing) hellloooo god what did he say? Anna: what'd who say? Summer: (opening the stall) Seth! (realises its Anna) oh, its you (Anna flosses her teeth, Summer looks at her) Summer: you're like, flossing...at school Anna: do you have any idea how much bacteria accumulates in your mouth between lunch an dinner Summer: noo but the fact that you do tells me everything...look if you want him you can have him, I'm done Anna: uh-huh thanks, but that's ok Summer: right because you couldn't possibly be interested in someone that's interested in me Anna: no, because I couldn't possibly be interested in someone who treats women that way Summer: oh (looks at her teeth in the mirror) so how much bacteria, like alot? Anna: (smiles and throws her the floss) alot Summer: (smiles) thanks CUT TO: the halls. Anna is walking out of the bathroom and Seth runs into her Seth: hey I was hoping I would bump into you I wanted- (Summer comes out) hi Summer... and Anna hanging out...together wow, wow that's ah that's awkward Anna: not really Seth: well I meant for me um how are you guys, you guys good, you guys gettin along Anna: yesss infact we were just about to go to the library to do some... research Summer: (confused) we were. yeah! Anna: uh-huh Summer: the library Anna: mmhmm Summer: for books Anna: books Summer: yeah and then we thought we'd go shopping right uh south coast plaza Anna: sounds good! ok Summer: alright Anna: ok (they both walk off) Seth: that doesn't sound good... at all CUT TO: Kirsten at her yogalaties class Kirsten: hey guys W: (suprised) Kirsten, you made it Taryn: how you feelin sweetie W2: Julie told us you were 'under the weather' on thanksgiving Kirsten: she did Taryn: yeah well the holidays can be so stressful W: I could go for a little hair of a dog myself (winks at Kirsten) right about now W2: we'll see ya out there Julie: (coming in) hey wait up guys Kirsten: Julie Julie: oh Kirsten, you showed up, how are you feeling Kirsten: so did you tell everyone I was drunk at thanksgiving Julie: (shrugs) well everyone was wondering where you were so Kirsten: I was at the office...working Julie: well hey its ok I mean we're all friends here Kirsten: well if we're all friends why don't you start acting like one CUT TO: Luke's house, Ryan is at the door and Luke's mom answers it Meredith: hi Ryan isn't it? Ryan: hi Meredith: uh Luke just got home he'll be right down, come in (Luke's little brothers are fighting) Meredith: guys guys this is Luke's friend Ryan, Ryan this is Eric an Brad (they start fighting again) who wants a snack Eric & Brad: me Meredith: Ryan? (Ryan is about to reply and Luke's dad Carson walks in) Carson: hello Eric & Brad: dad your home Carson: whoa ah huh huh there they are (hugs the boys) how you doin? one of the boys: so can we play some ball later please Carson: ah you know what kids I'm just home to drop off moms car (to his wife) ah one of the belts was misaligned I had em change the oil to (to the boys) sorry fellas Meredith: mm (kisses him) uh you remember Luke's friend Ryan, they're doing a school project together Carson: (shakes Ryan's hand) oh yeah what about? Ryan: uh Spanish inquisition Carson: ooooh not one a western civilizations proudest moments, I was a history major at USC and now I sell cars for a living Meredith: oh don't listen to him Ryan he owns three auto dealerships (Luke comes down the stairs) Luke: god mom brag much Carson: she's jus bein prouda me Luke: (to Ryan) come on let's do this (to mom & dad) we got alotta work to do Carson: yeah me to (couldn't catch it) I'll see you tonight (kisses her) Ryan keep him on his toes please, Luke SC Notre dame this Saturday thought we'd drive up about noon, tail gate Luke: (smiles) yeah cool Carson: (winks) Ryan I don't know if you're a Trojan man but it's gonna be a good game, you're more then welcome (leaves) (Luke looks at Ryan. The boys are fighting again!) Meredith: (yells) guys! CUT TO: Luke & Ryan in Luke's room. Luke is at his computer and Ryan is looking around Luke: (sighs) so how you wanna do this Ryan: uhh I don't know I was thinkin- Luke: cause I got a bunch a books from the library I pulled some stuff off the web ahhh I was thinkin we could do like a screen show on my power book (Ryan just looks at him) my dads got a film scanner at the office colour laser jet, power point we could just pull some stuff here and then head over there (Ryan still doesn't say anything) you know or not Ryan: (smiles) nah nah th-that sounds good, yeah CUT TO: Jimmy on the phone, the first thing we see is him tapping his feet so you can tell he is nervous Julie: hello Jimmy: hey, it's me, can you talk Julie: yeah jus packing up some of Marissa's winter things, I was gonna drop them by in the morning if that's ok with you Jimmy: yeah yeah thats-thats-thats great Julie: what's goin on Jimmy? Jimmy: look I uh I had a meeting with Sandy and it looks like I have to pay everything back by January first Julie: Jimmy! It's the holidays Jimmy: uh I don't have any other choice Julie: what are Caitlyn an I suppose to do hmm where are we gonna live Jimmy: live with your mother or Caleb Julie: no, no we cant an we shouldn't have to this is my house to and Caitlyn's an we're not selling Jimmy: (sincerely) Julie, I could go to jail Julie: (sighs) maybe you should Jimmy, have you ever thought about that, maybe you deserve to go to jail (Jimmy scoffs and then all you hear is the hang up sound, Jimmy just looks at the phone in shock) CUT TO: Luke's dad's car dealership. Ryan and Luke walk in through the doors Luke: (yells) dad, hello, dad you here (to Ryan) I dunno must'a gone home (Luke and Ryan look at a jet ski on the showroom floor) Luke: nice huh, they're givin these away (looks over at a red sports car) oh nice its in (walks over) check it out four fifty horse power eight cylinder (gets in) oooh dude you have to get in (Ryan smiles and gets in the passenger side) Ryan: whoow wow man Luke: (turning the stereo on) the stereos insane Ryan: (looking at something) hey is that your dad Luke: (looking) oh yeah that's his business partner Gus, we should go say hey (gets out) (Luke starts walking towards them, as he does they stop and hold hands, then bring their hands up together. Luke's dad kisses the other guys hand, and then they kiss heatedly. Luke just stands there looking like he's about to cry and Ryan looks at Luke with a worried look on his face. Luke backs up to run away but he hits a car and drops his books. The car alarm goes off and Luke's dad and Gus look shocked. Luke and Ryan quickly get the books together. Luke's dad starts to walk out) Luke: (scared) if you tell anyone! Ryan: I won't Luke: (grabbing the books) lets go, let's go! (Ryan and Luke both run out) Carson: Luke? (teary) no! (yells) Luke! (Luke's dad looks back at Gus stunned) CUT TO: the pool house, Marissa comes in Marissa: sorry I'm late, I slept through my alarm Ryan: oh yeah its ok (kisses her) Marissa: how'd it go last night? you didn't call me so... Ryan: we were workin pretty late Marissa: did you meet his mom? she's really great! Ryan: seemed nice yeah Marissa: and I'm sure his dad was out of town Ryan: ahh no, he was there Marissa: (surpised) really cause he's never around, he's got these dealer ships in other cities an he's always traveling Ryan: ah Marissa: what? Ryan: nothing. just uh...need some coffee (smiles) Marissa: (smiles) ok I knew you guys were gonna talk so what did he say about me Ryan: nothing Marissa: fine ill go grab Seth (goes to the door) Ryan: wait (Marissa turns back and looks at him) s-s-something happened last night...but I told Luke I wouldn't say anything Marissa: (worried) is it is he ok? (Ryan looks worried) what is it? Ryan you can tell me Ryan: (giving in, seriously) you can't tell anyone not even Summer, especially Summer Marissa: I wont, I swear Ryan: cause I'm not even telling Seth Marissa: you can trust me, I won't say a word I promise (Ryan looks at her) CUT TO: Marissa & Ryan coming into the kitchen, Seth is already in there Seth: well, apparently some of us are on central time Ryan: yeah sorry Seth: (takes a sip of his coffee) so how was your date with Luke (makes a cutesy face) your new study buddy Ryan: it was fine (to Marissa) something for the road (hands her a juice) Seth: yes I would like something for the road its called gossip, was there any uh any cross burning any uh goose stepping small Taiwanese family locked in the basement, what? Ryan: not so much (to Marissa) fruit, bagel? Marissa: (reading) ah yeah bagel would be good Seth: yes sooo would some information, dude you went behind enemy lines come on the parents what's the deal cyborgs, supremacies vegans Ryan: we just ended up a his dads dealership, lookin at cars Seth: so are you guys friends now (fake smiles) (Ryan looks at him, Seth is smiling till he sees Ryan look at Marissa, then the smile goes. Marissa looks at Ryan, then Seth then quickly goes back to reading trying to act normal) Seth: (disbelievingly) first Summer an Anna, now you and Luke CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan, Seth & Marissa are walking outside Seth: they came out of the bathroom, together then they went off to the library together! together! Marissa: stranger things have happened Seth: these are two people who hate each other brought together by their even greater hatred of me! Its like-it's like Luke Skywalker an-an-an Darth Vader teamin up to destroy the emperor (Ryan approaches Luke) Ryan: hey we should talk about- Luke: (snaps) we got nothin'a talk about Ryan: the presentation Luke: I'll finish it myself Ryan: alright (walks off) Luke: (to Seth) what're you lookin at queer? Seth: somebody really needs new material (Luke looks at him) (waves him off) alright go with what works (to Ryan) so I guess this means that you an Luke are not friends which I find oddly comforting (walks off) Marissa: (to Ryan) I promise (walks off) (Ryan looks back, worried) CUT TO: Seth walking into study hall. Anna is sitting by herself at a table and Seth sits down across from her. Anna gives him a look then goes back to what she's doing and ignores him Seth: so hey (nods) big test Anna: (glares) you know what (raises eyebrows) don't! (closes the book and leaves the table) (Seth kinda waves to her as she walks by but it's from his head like a salute. Anna sits at a different table. Summer walks in the room, she is near Seth's table) Seth: hey wanna (Summer ignores him an walks passed) over there Summer: (to Anna) hi Anna: hi Summer: is this seat taken? Anna: it is now Summer: (couldn't catch it) so did you study for the (?) Anna: kinda Summer: (worried) well I didn't Anna: don't worry all you have to remember is kittens prefer cream or fish generally speaking Summer: (not following) excuse me Anna: (laughs) kingdom phallom class order family genes species Summer: (impressed) wow, you're like really smart huh Anna: compared to what Summer: (frowns) well...me Anna: Summer your smart Summer: well smart enough to sit next to you (Seth is watching them over his shoulder) what was that kitten thing again? Anna: kittens prefer cream or fish generally speaking...or if you're not a cat person king Phillip comes over for good s*x Summer: definitely not a cat person (laughs) Anna: right (laughs) Summer: (still laughing) that's really good (Seth is watching them being all chummy with each other. their laughing gets amplified and Seth puts his hands over his ears to escape it) CUT TO: Kirsten at her yogalaties class. Julie is in the change room drinking water and Kirsten is walking in Kirsten: (frowns) I am so sore, are you? Julie: I'm fine, you must not of stretched properly Kirsten: (worried) are you ok?...Sandy told me about the house (the three women from earlier are watching them) Julie: nothing to tell I'm not selling Kirsten: Julie (follows) Julie (Julie turns around) if you an Caitlyn need somewhere to live I can find you a house, my dad can find you a house Julie: (scoffs) not according to him, not without compromising our relationship Kirsten: he said that? Julie: so I told him if that's true we don't have to have a relationship anymore, so now we don't Kirsten: (sincerely) I had no idea I am so sorry Julie: wow you think you'd be celebrating, go ahead tell everybody that Caleb Nichol dumped me my husbands going to jail an I have no place to live (shrugs) what're you waiting for? I told everybody about thanksgiving now's your chance to get even Kirsten: if you need anything, let me know Taryn: (running in laughing) oooooh my god you guys, I just ran into Betsy on the elliptical trainer, she was getting her car serviced this morning ok (softly) come here come here come here (all the women walk closer) ok you cant tell anyone but you are not going to believe this (huge smile) uh-hm ok CUT TO: Tennis courts - Sandy & Jimmy are sitting at a table Sandy: I gotta tell ya Jimmy I've never seen you hit the ball like that, you crushed it Jimmy: creative visualisation (holding up the ball) Julie's head Sandy: get a realtor, show the house Jimmy: (shrugs) but she... Sandy: Julie will change her tune, once word spreads that the SEC is investigating her as a possible co conspirator, forget about it Jimmy: (suprised) they are Sandy: I can make a call (Jimmy half smiles) (waiter puts bill down) thankyou...I'll get this one Jimmy: thanks...y'know I gotta say you-you you've-you've jus ben incredibly cool (shakes his head) with me I-I you know considering...everything (Sandy waves it off) an I-I-I really appreciate y'know you jus not saying anything an I know you only heard it from-from Kirsten's point of view but I I you know I want you to hear it from me that whole-that whole thing was just a huge...mistake I'm really sorry Sandy: (clueless) Jimmy what the hell are you talkin about Jimmy: Kirsten didn't-didn't tell you Sandy: (calmly) tell me what Jimmy: (sighs) umm...um y'know when-when Julie kicked me out I was lost and Kirsten came over to help me set up my place and umm...I...kissed her (Sandy just sits there) y'know she was totally mortified I you know I and I apologised immediately she left like faster then that I mean an she didn't tell you because she didn't-she didn't wanna y'know she didn't wanna hurt you I-it meant nothing so she didn't wanna hurt you over-over over nothing (Sandy looks away)...which...now...I've done Sandy: creative visualisation Jimmy I'm tryin hard not to see your head as somethin I should hit Jimmy: look I'm-I'm really sorry I just I d'know I just didn't want there to be any secrets between us Sandy: (his phone rings) mission accomplished (answers phone) hey Kirsten: I uh have some news but I'm only telling you CUT TO: Harbor school -Summer, Marissa and Seth are outside together Summer: (excited) oh my good Coop you are not going to believe this! (Marissa looks at her as if to say 'what?') did you hear about Luke's dad? (Marissa looks uncomfortable, then looks at Seth) Seth: I haven't heard about Luke's dad CUT TO: Seth walking the halls, he's looking for Ryan Seth: hey (Ryan nods at him) I have crazzzy news for you Ryan: not your woman problems Seth: nooo it's definitely not (Seth is about to tell Ryan and they over hear some kid) Kid: I heard his dads favourite TV show is Dawson's crack kid2: I heard it was everwoody (laughs) (Luke over hears at his locker) (Luke slams his locker & Ryan walks over to him) Seth: hey Ryan Ryan: (to Luke) hey man look Luke: who'd ya tell? Ryan: listen I'm sorry (Luke grabs Ryan and pushes him against the lockers) Luke: (angry) you're dead! (Luke walks away and knocks into Seth. Seth looks at Ryan as if to say 'what was that about?' Ryan just looks worried about Luke) CUT TO: Marissa walking outside of school. She is walking towards Ryan who is walking out of the main doors. He is angry Marissa: (worried) everyone knows! Ryan: yeah, well who'd ya tell! Marissa: what? I didn't tell any- Ryan: (angry) well did Summer? (softer) I asked you not to say anything Marisa: why do you just assume it was me? Ryan: because I'm the only one who knew, and you're the only one I told (sighs and walks away) Marissa: I - didn't - tell - anyone Ryan: I never should've told you in the first place Marissa: probably not since obviously you don't trust me (Ryan doesn't say anything) (hurt) ...you know what find your own ride home (walks off) CUT TO: Cohen's backyard. Kirsten is trimming some flowers and Sandy comes out. he doesn't look happy Kirsten: hey Sandy: (softly) hey Kirsten: it's amazing about the Wards, how fast word travels Sandy: sometimes Kirsten: well I'd ask you if everything's ok Sandy: nah its not Kirsten: which leads me to my next question Sandy: oh its well covered territory with us...Jimmy Cooper (Kirsten just looks at him) I uh oh I wanna do my best not to sound to uh...high school but uh...(hurt) he kissed you Kirsten: he told you Sandy: well he didn't want there to be any secrets between us, apparently you don't feel the same way Kirsten: of course I do, it's just that it meant - nothing Sandy: well putting my own skepticism about that remark aside for a just a moment if it meant nothing...then why didn't you tell me Kirsten: ...because I knew it would upset you Sandy: thankyou... (hurt) cause I feel so much better having heard it from someone else Kirsten: (softly & sincerely) I'm sorry Sandy: well all this time all this suspicion and paranoia about me an my co-worker an-an- an your sittin on this (walks away) Kirsten: (sighs) Sandy Sandy (follows) (turns him around to face her) it means nothing Sandy: (hurt) well it means somethin a me (leaves) (Kirsten watches him walk away with tears in her eyes, it looks like she's about to cry) CUT TO: the dinner table. Kirsten & Sandy are at either end and Seth and Ryan are opposite each other. no one is saying anything Seth: ok its just that (begins to laugh) after all the years of Luke callin me gay, I don't know I think its great that now the shoe is on the other actually its on his dads foot but you get the symmetry I'm goin for Sandy: it's not funny... it's the end of their marriage, their life as they knew it is over Kirsten: I heard Meredith's already filing for divorce Ryan: I was just over there they seemed really happy Seth: yeah, by happy do you mean (whispers) gay Kirsten: Seth Seth: yes? Kirsten: cut it out! Ryan: I mean how can you be married to somebody for that long an keep that kind of a secret Sandy: oh you'd be suprised (looks straight at Kirsten) but eventually the secrets come out Kirsten: and some marriages can handle the truth an some cant (looks straight at Sandy) (Seth notices and looks at Sandy, then Kirsten) Seth: yeah well I'm sure everyone 'll be so accepting seein as we're such a-a liberal, tolerant bunch (to Sandy) and that was at the expense of Orange County not Luke's dad, his big gay dad [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Kirsten's yogalaties class. the women are talking about Luke's dad W: did you see his arms, what straight guy has arms like that Taryn: (laughs) not my husband W3: well Charles an I went to go see the lion king with the Wards, and Carson cried, wept (both women laugh) (Kirsten & Julie aren't in the conversation, but they are in the room) W: all these years I've known him he's never once made a pass at me, I feel so much better (women laugh again as they leave) Kirsten: I can't be here right now Julie: have you eaten? Kirsten: what'd you have in mind? Julie: fried food an beer Kirsten: first rounds on me (they both leave) CUT TO: Harbor school - Marissa walks into Mr. Bendis class and Ryan is already in there. you'll remember from earlier Ryan and Marissa sit together, this time Marissa sits at a different table leaving Ryan at their usual Mr. Bendis: alright if everyone will take his or her seat we shall begin...anyone seen Luke (Luke's regular chair is empty) (Ryan looks over worried, then at Marissa who also looks worried) ok let's open our books to page 59 the (?) West Indian colonies CUT TO: Study hall - Anna and Summer are sitting together Summer: so you should comer over like at four Anna: yeah um I've got lit mag after school but I can come by after that Summer: ok yeah the flash cards should be done by then so (Seth walks up) Anna: nice Summer: perfect (they clink water bottles and laugh) Seth: hi you guys could I speak to you (their smiles go) for-for one minute please because I owe you both an enormous apology (they both look at him) actually i guess technically I owe two apologies each one tailored to the specific wrongs visited upon the specific person but since you two seem to be sort of a package deal these days I don't know- Summer: Cohen! Seth: right uh (to Summer) I'm sorry ok (to Anna) and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that I apologised to her first its jus y'know chronologically I'm tryina Anna: Cohen! Seth: right stupid I know. well let me start by saying nothing in my life (shakes his head) nothing prepared me for the events of that fateful thanksgiving day but uh I'm not gonna make any excuses for what I did, I just wanna say one little thing in my defense which is, ya cant really blame me for wanting the company of either of you two (Anna smiles) an I know that I hurt your feelings an I feel bad about that I do but please believe me when I say that it wasn't intentional ok (Summer smiles) cause I'd never do anything to ruin our friendship...or ships...so look I know I have no right ask I jus hope that someday you can both forgive me (they both look at him and you can see they both want him again) ok so yeah thanks for your time (walks away) (they both watch him go, with an 'aww expression' then they look at each other and realise the friendship isn't gonna happen) Anna: (packing up) you know what I-I never really liked flash cards they've never really worked for me Summer: (also packing up) oh yeah you know I think I study better alone Anna: (stands) oh that's good because I think lit mags gonna go a little bit late today Summer: (stands) ah huh yeah maybe next time (walks away) Anna: maybe (walks away in the opposite direction) CUT TO: Kirsten & Julie at the place they were discussing earlier. they are sitting at a table Kirsten: it's like they enjoy it Julie: mm (swallows her beer) well I can't exactly claim that I didn't once see the fun in witnessing the fall of the rich and fabulous... and then I became homeless an suddenly not so funny Kirsten: I don't really think that my dad would let you go homeless Julie: yeah well uh when I even mention that I might have to sell the house he went into a panic, you'd of thought I was asking for a ring Kirsten: (laughs) that's so him Julie: an then when I tried to explain- Kirsten: he didn't listen Julie: not a word, can I ask you a question Kirsten: mmhmm Julie: do you like that he calls you Kiki? Kirsten: hate it! Julie: cause he kept calling me Juju, like that candy that gets stuck in your teeth, I begged him to stop- Kirsten: but when he gets something in his head (smiles) Julie: it has to be his way Kirsten: always (Julie looks at her, and she looks back they both smile and laugh) Kirsten: its just who he is, he jus cant spend longer then three months with the same woman before he freaks Julie: oh he freaked alright Kirsten: an I jus wish that I could tell him that I know what he's doing, he's trying to replace my mom...but he cant...an I just wish that he would... stop trying an be happy, but you cant talk to my dad Julie: (smiles) no I know Kirsten: and the important thing is is that he finds someone to share his life with, enjoy these years...I jus don't know if he's ever gonna figure that out (Julie is thinking and Kirsten drinks her beer) CUT TO: Harbor school -Seth is at his locker and Summer is there when he turns around Summer: (smiles) hi Seth: hey Summer: so that apology aside from being the first I've ever received from a boy, was also the nicest Seth: oh well uh I meant it so-so good Summer: (bites her lip and moves closer to him) so... what're you doing Saturday (Seth smiles) CUT TO: Seth now outside with a huge smile on his face. Anna runs up to him Anna: hey, Seth! Seth: hey Anna: you going to lit mag Seth: ah yeah Anna: wanna walk together Seth: (taken back) uh, do you? Anna: yes, that was so sweet what you said earlier (Seth smiles) an I could tell you really meant it, we both know sincerity's not your strong point Seth: (nods) I'm workin on it Anna: I'd like to help, what're you doing Saturday night Seth: (thinks)...well in the new spirit of sincerity um...I have a date with Summer Anna: oh Seth: (disappointed) yeah so Anna: (comes closer) what're you doing Friday night Seth: (smiles)...what am I doing Friday night? CUT TO: Luke's house. we hear the door bell and Marissa answers the door. It's Ryan Ryan: hey why are you here? Marissa: (shrugs) same reason you are (Luke comes up behind Marissa) Luke: hey Ryan: (worried) you ok man? (Luke shrugs and sighs. Ryan goes in, we see suitcases at the bottom of the stairs. Luke's brothers are quietly watching cartoons) Luke: look man...I owe you an apology...it wasn't you who said anything my dad after we saw him he-he- he came out to my mom and...she wigged an called a couple friends and then everybody in Newport knew so Ryan: don't worry about it I jus...wanted to see how you were doin (Luke's mom comes in, she's crying) Luke: hey mom (she goes up stairs crying. Carson comes in behind her) Carson: (teary) Meredith please (Luke looks at him) Luke could I uh Luke please (Luke gets teary and runs out the front door. Carson just stands there upset) CUT TO: the baseball field. Luke, Ryan & Marissa are sitting in players bit. Luke is drinking Luke: my entire life has ben one giant lie (drinks) everything I thought I knew about my dad...I mean all those business trips he took...or how bout when he missed one of my games because he was working late (Marissa looks sad) I don't even know if this guy was the first one or if there were others...I cant even think about Marissa: look I know its hard, but after everything I've ben through with my dad (shrugs) we've never ben closer, I mean we're finally able to be honest with each other an talk to each other an I don't know maybe you could have that with your dad Luke: what he has to say, I don't wanna hear (sits down next to Ryan) Marissa: I'm gonna go grab a jacket (rubs her arms) its cold (walks off) Ryan: (sighs) well even if he (sighs) wasn't honest with ya...he still cared he did make it to some a your games Luke: whatever, what does it even matter (drinks) Ryan: its matters (sighs) especially if you had a dad who didn't make it to any a your games...who didn't even know what sport ya played or cared (they both look at each other) Luke: everything's jus so screwed up Guy: (o.s) isn't this romantic (on screen we can now see 2 guys at the fence) a couple a Harbor butt pirates Luke: is there a problem...other then the fact that we kick your ass every year Guy: nah dude, no problem at all, didn't mean to interrupt your date...fag Luke: (getting up and shaking the fence) what'd you call me? (Luke runs around the fence and knocks into the guy. Ryan gets up and follows him) Guy: yo dude keep your hands offa me save that for your boyfriend Ryan: ok lets jus... not do this Guy2: (couldn't catch it) back up your queer guy huh (shoves Ryan, Ryan shoves back) Guy: yo why don't you jus run to your dad? (Ryan and Luke look at each other then simultaneously punch the guys in their faces. they look at each other and smile. they look back and 6 more guys are walking up. now they both look worried) CUT TO: Cohen house. Kirsten answers the door and Julie is there Kirsten: Julie hi Julie: (holding a plant) I jus had to come over and say thankyou (hands her the plant) Kirsten: for what? Julie: I got home today there was a message on my machine, its Caleb call me whatever Kirsten: well Julie: I know but I call him right just incase he's ready to apologise, which p.s he's not so he starts in again with the excuses and the he's feeling pressured Kirsten: well because it's all about him Julie: exactly (smiles) but then I remembered what you said at lunch so I let him have it Kirsten: (suprised) you did? Julie: I told him he's scared life's to short spend it with someone you enjoy, all that stuff Kirsten: you did Julie: don't worry he doesn't think it came from you he thinks I came up with it, but the important thing is...it worked (smiles) Kirsten: how so Julie: Kirsten, he's buying my house as an investment. Jimmy's not going to jail, Caitlyn an I have a place to live, and who knows maybe some day your next door neighbour will be your dad (smiles) Kirsten: (stunned) I don't know what to say Julie: well you might wanna water that, bye (leaves) (Kirsten shuts the door stunned. she walks into the kitchen. Seth is at the table, and Sandy is sitting on the couch reading the paper and watching cartoons) Sandy: hey Seth...ask your mother who was at the door Seth: (looks at Sandy) uh mom who was at the door Kirsten: (puts the plant down on the counter) Julie Cooper bearing gifts Seth: it's Julie Cooper dad Sandy: ask your mother what she wanted Seth: (looks at Sandy) um dad wants to know who-what-what what she wanted (Kirsten puts her hands on her hips) dad better idea, ask her yourself go on (Kirsten walks in and stands in front of him, she looks annoyed) Kirsten: Julie Cooper sold her house Sandy: ahh Kirsten: to my father Sandy: oh, now that I wish you hadn't told me (sound of a door slamming) Ryan: hey (we see Ryan and Marissa walking in, they are supporting Luke who is scruffy, bruised and bleeding) Kirsten: oh my god! (walking over) are you guys ok? Ryan: yeah, I didn't do it this time (Seth gets up) Kirsten: I'm gonna get the first aid kit Sandy: come on have a seat Seth: hey what happened? Luke: (sitting) I guess bad news travels fast Sandy: have you called your folks Luke: no Sandy: I'll call em Luke: no-no-no I-id rather not call em if-if it's ok Seth: it's alright (to Sandy) hey he can just stay in the gust room Sandy: sure (walks into the kitchen) (to Kirsten) I'll go call his dad Kirsten: ok (Marissa, Seth and Ryan all look worried) CUT TO: Marissa & Ryan on the front porch Marissa: (sighs) so you guys need a ride to school in the morning Ryan: (smiles) you don't mind Marissa: yeah well you were pretty great with Luke today Ryan: I never shoulda told you Marissa: because I'll tell everyone right Ryan: no, because he asked me not to Marissa: but see the unwritten rule of relationships is you're allowed to tell your girlfriend, because everything you say to me stays with me and vice versa Ryan: so then you didn't tell anybody that I went off on you yesterday when I thought you told Marissa: no...well I mean jus Summer Ryan: (nods) will you tell Summer about this (kisses her) Marissa: (touches his face) no this'll stay just between us (kisses him) (we hear the sound of a car pulling up and the lights shine in their eyes) CUT TO: Carson standing inside near the back door Kirsten comes over to him Kirsten: Carson are you sure that I can't get you anything to eat, scotch zanax Carson: no thankyou (to Sandy who just came in) he's not coming down Sandy: well he's half asleep, y'know maybe it would be a better idea if you guys talked in the morning Carson: (teary) he's not gonna wanna talk to me...I lied to him...I lied to everyone I uh...truth is I love his mom I always have and I love our family an I just didn't uh wanna hurt anybody...an now he's up there hurt Sandy: hey if theres anything we could do Carson: no no I've embarrassed my family enough (walking away) I think the best thing I could do right now is to just disappear Sandy: (follows) noo I think that'd be the worst thing you could do, I mean it's what you ben doin all along y'know but comin out an bein honest with yourself an your family, in this town, it's the bravest thing you coulda done. look its jus my opinion but... you're the kinda father any kid'd be proud of Carson: well I should go (walks away) Luke: (standing around the corner) dad (they stare at each other) jus let me grab my shoes...I'll go with you (Carson nods, still teary) (Kirsten & Sandy are now in the kitchen) Kirsten: so, while we're being honest Sandy: oh god, there's more? Kirsten: that was a pretty impressive speech you made in there Sandy: well you know I'm prone to impressive speeches Kirsten: right up until that line, yeah (Sandy laughs) Sandy: so from now on are you gonna tell me all your secrets Kirsten: are you gonna tell me all yours? Sandy: y'know I don't think I have any Kirsten: really Sandy: yeah Kirsten: you sure? Sandy: I think Kirsten: nothing from your past, no secret fantasies, no hidden p0rn stash (laughs) on the PC Sandy: no cause obviously you already know about that one Kirsten: (walks over to him) (softly) there's no way you can know everything about someone, that's what keeps it interesting Sandy: well it hasn't ben uninteresting Kirsten: at a certain point you have to trust the other person, that's what love is Sandy: ok... so you'll have to trust that you can tell me things that I may not wanna hear we-we can handle it Kirsten: like...Jimmy Cooper kissed me Sandy: (touches her face) trust me (they kiss) CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan, Seth, Marissa & Luke are walking in. they stop and look ahead Luke: this is gonna be weird Ryan: yep Luke: everybody's gonna be starin at me, talkin Marissa: yep Luke: maybe I can just blow the whole thing off, go hit the beach, give everybody time to get it outta their systems Ryan: oh it doesn't work like that, its ben months I'm still the kid from China that burned a house down Marissa: and I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico Seth: I'm still...I'm still Seth Cohen Luke: man this is gonna suck Seth: yep well, welcome to my world (Seth rides his skate board and the other 3 walk behind together - fade out)

Plan: A: Ryan; Q: Who's trust is put to the test? A: Carson; Q: Who does Ryan see with another man? A: Seth; Q: Who struggles to reconcile with Anna and Summer? A: Julie; Q: Who does Caleb agree to separate from? A: business; Q: What do Jimmy and Sandy go into together? Summary: Ryan's trust is put to the test when he and Luke spot Carson with another man. Seth struggles to reconcile with Anna and Summer. Caleb and Julie agree to separate for a while. Jimmy and Sandy go into business together.

Andy: [Flickering Lights] Hey everybody it's closing time. You don't got to go home but you can't stay here. [Plays radio and the song is Closing Time by Semisonic] Erin: [Laughs and shrieks] Andy: Closing time. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day. It's weird. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Closing time Jim: [On phone] ...W R K. Andy: One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer. Jim: Uh no it's W R K, as in kitten. Oh my boss is singing Closing Time, maybe that's what you are hearing. Andy: Come on pam! Andy/Pam: [Singing, Pam mumbling lyrics] Closing time, time for you to go home to the places you will be from. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Let's see. Andy has been manager for a hundred and five days. Which means I've heard 'Closing Time' a hundred and five times. [nods and shakes head] Still don't know the words. Tah wa Ta way hm hm home and home and home. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. [Pulls towel through legs] I know who I want to take me home. [Spins Meredith in chair] Take me hooo...hooome! You know what fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't want to sing... no traditions! Stanley: [singing] Closing time every new beginning... [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: I've never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it, but that song means it's time to go home. Now...it's my favorite song. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy/Stanley: [singing] Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. Stanley: Goodnight. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Whose your favorite iron chef? Robert: [speaking at the same time as andy] This is atrocious. Andy: You go first. Robert: The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy, careless, error prone office. Andy: Well the monitoring software is a double edged sword. Sometimes... Dwight: [runs in and interrupts] Sorry, go ahead. Robert: [to dwight] Did you need something from us? Dwight: Wha...Yes. Your attention. Uh because... No that is all. [walks out] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted "We're number two!'. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free. Andy: Umpf...that's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there. Robert: Who are they? Andy: They're both Kevin. Oscar is the s*x and the City gang and Angela, if you can picture... Robert: Andrew sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all. Andy: I would agree with that. Robert: Simply...end the mistakes Andy: End the mistakes, easy- Robert: When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes, we can talk about names, all day. Our favorite names, silly made up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice? Andy: I would like that. Robert: End the mistakes. That is all I ask. [gets up from chair] And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I'm just saying with the NBA lockout I think roller derby's in a really good place now. So...my pitch is...me, Pam, you and, someone else maybe Justine. Darryl: Nahh! [shakes head] No. Not Justine. Never Justine. Jim: Is that off again? Darryl: Oh yeah. Jim: Ok. Val: Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting. Today. Darryl: Ahh...We don't really do those. We just sign the thing. Val: Are you really this lazy? Darryl: I'll be there. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Hey. Val: Hey. Gabe: Monday's suck. Val: Yeaha...yup. [awkward silence then points to door] Just trying to get in. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it. Andy: What do you got? Dwight: [opens folder] Allow me. You're going to love this. [struggles opening folder] Ugh...should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work. Andy: Sounds controversial. Dwight: Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two? Andy: Do not go there! You're the deuce I never want to drop. Dwight: Well, I can make this work. I'll set it up right now. Just need your go ahead. Andy: Go do the voodoo that you do so well. Dwight: I will do my voodoo. Andy: Mmhmmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship. Toby: For you? Gabe: Yes. For Gabe. Toby: Who are you seeing? That's gr... Gabe: Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse. Toby: Oh. Gabe: I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and uh there was attraction. In at least one direction. So..[holds up fist] Toby: You know I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating. Gabe: Ok, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know? Toby: But I mean...uh have you talked to her? Is sh... Gabe: Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays... Toby: Do you know her last name, yet? Gabe: Toby I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight. Toby: She's going to be screaming her own last name? Gabe: Hey! Watch it. Toby: Good luck Gabe. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hi guys. I just wanted to say that, you all have been doing amazing work., really. Kevin: Thank you. Andy: And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call...Dwight... Dwight: The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out. Andy: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens like we block Minesweeper. Dwight: Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him. Kelly: What emails are you talking about? Dwight: Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly. Kelly: That's not that bad actually. Dwight: P.S. We should should kill him. Jim: Wait, so you installed a doomsday device? Dwight: No, it's an accountability booster. Jim: Which when it goes off it destroys everything. Very similar to a doomsday device. Dwight: Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac. Now the point is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task. Kelly: Um, no we're not and you are a psycho who is ruining our lives. Ryan: We can't do this Dwight. Dwight: [Everyone angrily disagreeing]Smile...nod. Smile and nod. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like...not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor... [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean the thing about this office is, we make a lot of mistakes. Dwight: But the device will change that. Without a safety net, people will improve. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Alright everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work. Be extra careful. Double check everything or the accountability booster will getcha. Stanley: This doomsdays device sounds like a scare tactic to me. Oscar: There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham. We just make a mistake. I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment. Dwight: [alert goes off] Oh, there's one mistake. Erin: Now we only have four strikes left until a home run. Andy: Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device so I... Dwight: It's not a doomsday device, gosh. [Erin makes red strike on desk] We can do this you guys. [SCENE_BREAK] Warehouse Crew: First. Second. Darryl: It's not a race. Warehouse Crew: Thirrrr....third. Darryl: Who knows what the belt is for? Gabe: It's for protecting my ass. When you suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup, I'm Gabe. Corporate. Continue. Don't be nervous. Darryl: Apparently we have a visitor. Gabe, everyone. Warehouse Crew: Hi, gabe. Darryl: All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine. Doesn't get much use nowadays. Gabe: Look at this, this is enormous. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: I get the sense that Val enjoys a good putdown. Considering that's the only thing I know about her. I will be milking that hard. [Gestures milking a cow] [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: It's like a hula hoop. Right. Mele Kalikimaka is the wise way. Darryl: You done? Gabe: The Michelin man called, he wants his cummerbund back. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Remember we have to give Rigo Escrow their refund by five. Kevin: I'm on it. Angela: Kevin, maybe I should handle that. We really need you to focus on your project. Kevin: Good thinking. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Apparently a big client for this company, needs to know the story of how paper gets made. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Oscar, use a calculator. [Oscar shakes head] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: When the stakes are this high, there is only one computer that I trust. And it's powered by thai food and spanish reds. [points to his head] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Alright everybody, you are doing great! Dwight: Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible, but I do see improvement. Meredith kept someone on hold for thirty minutes and now look she's hard at work. [Meredith gives dwight the finger] Jim: Dwight, question. Dwight: No questions. Jim: If this doomsday device goes off... Dwight: Accountability booster. Jim: If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs. Are you going to feel good about that? Dwight: I haven't even considered it. That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Try mose1234. Ryan: Dwight would never be that obvious. Try something like...z64$8. [incorrect password] Not that exactly Jim, something like that. Jim: Ok. Dwight: How about Scrantonstrangler666. Jim: Nope. Dwight: No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha...You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike. Kelly: Wha...what's Dwight's mothers name. Jim: Hmm...Heda. [alert] No. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Once you read the packet, sign the back. Gabe: Hey Darryl, I was thinking, uh, maybe while we read through this, uh, you could grab us all some coffee. My treat. It's a hundred dollar bill. Should cover it I think. Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, ok? I want a decaf frappuccino. Val... Darryl: Actually, Val, why don't you come with? I'll need the extra hands to carry them back. Val: Yeah, sure. Gabe: Uh. Darryl: Mmhmm. [points at gabe] Caramel soy latte. Gabe: Decaf frap- Darryl: Got it. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: You sent the late notice to Ryan Heart & Wolf. Right? Oscar: Mhm. Six-forty, six-twenty. Angela: Six-seventy, six-twenty. Oscar: Nuh uh. Angela: yes! Oscar: Five eighty-eight plus fifteen percent- Oh no. Kevin: What does this mean? What does it mean! Oscar: Andy. [alert sounds] Angela: Ohhhh! Andy: Gahhh. That's five strikes. Stanley: [pulls out Brandy bottle] Well...I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today. Andy: Dwight we got five strikes. Dwight: Really? Andy: Did the email go out or... Dwight: It goes out automatically at five P.M. Andy: Well, th- There's gotta be a way to stop it. Dwight: Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it. Andy: Ok! Dwight you may now enter your password. Dwight: No. Andy: What?! Dwight: You don't deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day. Phyllis: We did our best. Dwight: No you didn't, Phyllis. You complained the whole time. You yelled at me. You tried to break into the machine. [everyone interjects] What?! Erin: You're a real crumb bum, you know that? Dwight: Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from? Kevin: Uh, the man tree puts its penis- Dwight: Ha. Ok, alright. Andy back me up here, please. Andy: Nn no. Dwight: What? Andy: No! Oscar: Dwight be human for once. Shut down the machine. Kelly: Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut down the machine!!! [erin joins in yelling] Shut it down! Shut it down! Dwight: Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Dwight's car is gone. Pam: I bet he went home. Andy: Some of us should go there and talk some sense into him. Get him to stop that email. Andy: Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous that could help us. Kevin: Yeah. Andy: Kevin has that lovability. Kevin: Guys come on. I'm right here. Andy: Jim, I want you to go find Robert just be where he is in case that email goes out at five. You can try to delete it or something. Jim: Ok, where is he? Erin: Uh, he's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash. Jim: I'll try both. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [digging] Oh. Come to reason with me? Andy: Gotcha something. [gives Dwight cap, Dwight throws it aside] And, uh, I just really want to talk to you- Dwight: Get lost. Andy: Well now hold on it, it- Pam: What are you doing? Dwight: What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse. Pam: Uhm. Erin: Do you need a hand? Pam: Yeah, do you need a hand? [everyone joins in] Dwight: If you hit another horse, you've dug to far. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: I'll see you next week Will. [at the club, playing squash] Jim: Robert. Robert: Jim what are you...What a surprise. Jim: Yeah, well, you know just had a meeting. Squash meeting. Robert: Yeah. Jim: You up for a game? Robert: A game or a match? Jim: Exactly. Here we go. Let's do it. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Are you okay, Kevin? [Kevin gives thumbs down] Andy: [to Dwight] Where you going? Dwight: In. I'm hungry. Pam: Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water. Dwight: Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on. Pam: Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is. Dwight: This is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009. [SCENE_BREAK] Val: That's too much Doodle and not enough Lab. Darryl: Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just Lab? Val: That's what I'm sayin'. Gabe: [to Val] Hey. You're welcome. Val: Thanks for the coffee. Gabe: So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery. I'm gonna drink a little wine and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me. Val: Are you asking me on a date? Gabe: Yes, I am. Val: Because I don't date coworkers. It's not personal, it's a matter of policy. Gabe: I could quit. Problem solved. Val: Don't quit. [Darryl eavesdropping, nods] [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Good policy. Sensible. Smart. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Alright. Serving. Serving. Serving. Serving. Robert: In the box. Jim: In the box. [hits it straight into the floor] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left. Angela: Oh, now you can do math? Where were you 2 hours ago 'A Beautiful Mind'- Oscar: I made a mistake. I'm sorry. Stanley: I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition, get everyones' signature, including our clients, march down to Florida, and shove it up your butt! Ha! [laughing and drinking Brandy] Oscar: It's not that funny. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [Kevin comes around corner with a pan, ready to strike Dwight, Pam shakes her head] Oh, Pam. You got something on your shirt. Pam: Oh, haha. Oh well. Pobody's nerfect, right? Dwight: Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "Nobody's perfect." Nice stroke, Pam. Pam: No. It's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect, like I can't even say those words right. Ha. Dwight: I hadn't heard that before, that's, that's funny. Andy: Dwight, there's just a small matter of a- Pam: You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk. Dwight: Any specific animal? Pam: I'm thinking cow- Dwight: Don't say cow- Ugh. Andy: What are you doing? It's 5 to 5. Pam: Just don't talk about the email, okay? He's gonna cancel it on his own, I really think he will. Andy: That's insane! Pam: Just trust me. Andy: Trust you, like I trusted Dwight this morning. Pam: I got this. Andy: Enngh- [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hahhh, thanks for everything. Dwight: Sive drafely. [Pam points back at him, smiling] Kevin: Isn't it supposed to be, "Drive safely"? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [a text tone goes off] Is that my phone? Robert: Sounded like mine. Jim: Nah, I think it's mine. Lemme just check real quick, here. Alright. Robert: Well, it's mine. You took it out of my bag. Jim: Oh, oh yeah. Robert: Can I have it? Jim: Yes. Right now? Yes. Robert: Yep. Jim: Here you go. [throws it over glass] Robert: Whoa, no, wait, wait, wait, whoa. [tries to catch it with racket, misses, lands on floor] Robert: [censored beep] ha, Jesus. Jim: Awww, sorry. Did it break? Robert: Nah, it's good. Jim: You sure? Robert: Yeah. Jim: What kinda iPhone is that? Robert: It's the standard one. The one everyone has. Jim: Oh yeah. I have the one that nobody has. Is there anything interesting? Robert: It depends Jim. Do you find one-day only Jet Blue sales to Buffalo interesting? Jim: Ha ha. No, I don't. No, I don't. Alright, well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this, so- [texting on his phone] Robert: My serve! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [her text tones rings] Dwight stopped the device! Andy: Oh! Kevin: Yes! Erin: Haho! [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [his phone vibrates] He stopped it! Ryan: Oh! [everyone yelling out, celebrating] We still have our jobs. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. [pulls cap he previously discarded, out of the dirt] God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I? [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Take it easy. Nice and easy. Jim: [hits ball, ricochets to groin] Ah! Classic, right? [Jim continues to rally poorly and falls down] Robert: Oo! Jim: I'm alright. Robert: You alright? Jim: Yep. Robert: Skinned knee. Jim: Yep. Ah. Oh. [and skinned elbow] Robert: Oo, a little ice on that maybe. Jim: Yeah. That does not feel good. Robert: Okay. My serve.

Plan: A: efficiency; Q: What does Dwight want to improve? A: Dwight; Q: Who installs the doomsday device? A: the branch; Q: What does Dwight's doomsday device suggest closing? A: mistakes; Q: What is the maximum number of what that can be made on the first day? A: the first day; Q: When does Dwight's doomsday device send the email? A: Jim; Q: Who is sent to California to distract them? A: Pam; Q: Who tries to talk Dwight into dismantling his machine? A: Val; Q: Who does Gabe try to court? A: Ameenah Kaplan; Q: Who plays Val? A: Darryl; Q: Who does Gabe try to put down? Summary: In order to improve efficiency, Dwight installs a doomsday device that will send an email to California and suggest the closing of the branch. After the maximum number of mistakes is made on the first day, the email is sent but the office works to counteract it; Jim is sent to distract California, whereas Pam-among others-attempts to talk Dwight into dismantling his machine. Meanwhile, Gabe attempts to court the new warehouse worker, Val ( Ameenah Kaplan ), by trying to put Darryl down.

Act One. Scene One - Radio Station. Roz is organizing some carts with her baby daughter Alice in her arms. Alice is dressed in a cute turkey suit. Frasier enters her booth and greets them. Roz: Morning, Fras. Frasier: Hi, Roz. Roz, is baby Alice dressed as a little turkey or am I just very, very hungry? [laughs] Roz: We're flying home for Thanksgiving right after the show. I thought I'd make Alice look as cute as possible so if she cries on the plane, the other passengers can't get mad. Actually, what I like to do is keep her awake so she'll sleep on the plane. Frasier: You know, you should just do what I used to do. I used to tell the passengers that if Frederick cried, I'd buy them all a drink. Roz: And that worked? Frasier: Oh, yes. In fact, one time I awoke from a short nap, and the fellow sitting behind us was flicking the back of Frederick's little ear. Of course that was cheating, the man did not get his drink. They cross to Frasier's booth. Roz: So when is Frederick coming anyway? Frasier: Well, Lilith is dropping him off around noon and then she's off to visit a colleague for Thanksgiving in Vancouver. You know, come to think of it, do they even celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? Roz: They will when she leaves! Frasier nods in agreement as they begin the show. [SCENE_BREAK] AS ALL OF VANCOUVER KNEELS TO GIVE THANKS... Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. The doorbell sounds. Frasier answers it to reveal Lilith and Frederick. Freddie: Hi, Dad. [hugs him] Frasier: Frederick, hi. Lilith: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Hello. Oh, gosh, you know, I was starting to get worried about you. You're an hour late. Freddie: We saw a big accident on the freeway. Mom saved this guy's life. Frasier: Really? Lilith: Well, that's going a bit far. I simply applied a tourniquet. Freddie: She's a hero. Frasier: [skeptically] Yes, that's your mother all right, son. Freddie: Then the paramedics came and wanted to give mom a transfusion. Frasier: [jokily] Yes, that's your mother all right, son. Lilith: If you don't mind, I'd like to use the phone and call my colleague and tell him I'll be late. Frasier: Yes, of course. Who is this colleague anyway? Lilith: [crosses to the phone and begins dialing] He's the man who supplies me with lab rats. It's about time we got together socially. I've known him for over fifty-two generations. Frasier: Ah. Well, if the drumsticks are about this big [shows a couple of centimeters with his fingers], you'll know why. Freddie: Good one, Dad. Frasier: Thank you, son. Lilith has just connected. Lilith: Hello, Peter, it's Lilith. Listen, I'm running about an hour late, so... [pause] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, take care of yourself. Okay. Goodbye. [hangs up] Frasier: What happened? Lilith: Peter's come down with something. He thinks he caught it from the rats. Frasier: Oh, now, nobody caught anything from a rat that wasn't resolved in a day or two, off you go. [N.B. History has taken it for granted that the Black Death, to which this joke is obviously referring, was bubonic plague, which would have been spread by ticks and fleas jumping off the hides of rats. However, recent research has suggested that the Black Death might actually have been a form of anthrax, in which case the rats were innocent and the cows were to blame.] Freddie: Gee, mom, why don't you spend Thanksgiving with us? Frasier: Yes, that's a very good one, Frederick. Go kiss your mother goodbye and unpack, all right? Frederick complies to his father's wishes and exits to his Dad's room. Lilith: Would it be so unbearable for me to be here for one meal? As soon as we're done, I'll go and check into a hotel. I can spend the weekend working on an article I've been writing. Frasier: Well, you know, Niles is coming this afternoon, and it'll be very uncomfortable, I think. You know, you two haven't seen each other since your little tryst. Lilith: Oh please, Niles and I are adults. Frasier: I suppose you're right. It would mean a lot to Frederick. After all, Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate family. Keys are heard jingling in the corridor. Frasier half opens the door to Martin who doesn't see the company. Martin: Is the witch gone yet? Frasier: Lilith's still here, Dad. Martin: [shocked then collects himself] Oh, in that case, I'll ask you too, Lilith. Has my twitch gone yet? [twitches] I had some very strong coffee this morning and... Lilith: Skillfully done, Martin. Martin enters, closing the door behind him, as Frederick appears. Freddie: Grandpa! Martin: Oh, Freddie! [hugs him] How ya doing? Freddie: So, Dad, is Mom staying for dinner? Lilith: Yes, Frederick, I am. Freddie: Isn't that great, Grandpa? Martin: [through his teeth] Great, Freddie! Real great! Isn't that great, Freddie?! Freddie: Are you okay, Grandpa? Lilith: [hanging up her coat] He's worried about his twitch! The doorbell sounds. Frasier opens the door to Daphne, arms full with grocery bags, trying to tug a stubborn Eddie inside. Daphne: Come on, Eddie, come on. Frasier: What's the matter? Daphne: Well, he was perfectly fine until a block from here. Then he started whining and trembling, like he senses an earthquake or a dark force or- [not really noticing her] hello, Lilith - a vortex of evil. [notices her properly] Martin takes Eddie and carefully takes him into the kitchen, shielding him from evil with his overcoat. Freddie: I'll help with the groceries. Daphne: [hands them to him] Hey, Freddie. Thank you. [kisses him] Well, let's see how the turkey's coming. Daphne exits to the kitchen with Frederick. Frasier: Yes, Daphne's preparing dinner. Lilith: Oh, should we tell her there's an extra person? Clatterings of groceries are heard in the kitchen. Frasier: No need. Lilith takes a seat on the couch as the doorbell sounds. Frasier answers it to Niles. Niles: Hello, Frasier. He notices Lilith and crosses to her, sitting on the couch. He becomes very monotone. Niles: Hello, Lilith. Lovely to see you again. [kisses her] Lilith: Nice to see you, too. Niles: I trust your flight was uneventful? Lilith: Up, down, bumpy over the mountains. Niles: Isn't that always the way? Frasier: Lilith is joining us for dinner, Niles. Niles: What a nice surprise. Lilith: It certainly is for me. Niles: Well, not as nice as it is for me. Frasier is becoming very agitated by all this "nice" conversation. Frasier: Oh, stop it, both of you! I refuse to spend the day listening to your distilled chatter! Niles: Well, how would you have us behave? Frasier: Well, why don't you try going back to your former relationship? Lilith: All we did was insult each other. Frasier: Yes! You're willing to throw all that away just because of one ill-considered night of passion?! It happened, take from it what you can learn, move on! Niles: Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice-cream headache. Lilith: You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole! Frasier: Was that so hard? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Later in the day Daphne is mashing the potatoes in the kitchen when Martin enters. Bits of dishes are laid out on the side including a plate of cranberry sauce. Martin: Wait, wait, what are you doing?! Daphne: I'm mashing the potatoes. Martin: By hand? You're supposed to whip potatoes, therefore every bite tastes the same. Daphne: Isn't that a bit bland? Martin: Hello? Welcome to potatoes! Could you just once cook a traditional Thanksgiving meal? I mean, look at this cranberry sauce. [points to a dish of nicely smoothed sauce] It's supposed to keep the shape of the can, quiver a little bit. What are all these little chunks in there? Daphne: Those are cranberries. Niles enters with a box from a baker's. Niles: Dad, here you are, one frozen pumpkin pie on request. Daphne: Honestly, wouldn't you rather I just bake a pie from scratch? Martin: Is it that you CAN'T learn or you WON'T learn? Martin exits in disgust as Frederick enters after laying a superb arrangement on the table. Freddie: I'm done setting the table. Niles: Oh, you did set the table... [looks] It looks very nice, very elegant, Frederick. Daphne: Oh yes, Freddie's been quite the little helper. Every time I bend over to check the turkey, there he is. Niles gives Frederick a sly look. Meanwhile, in the room Frasier and Lilith are chatting. Frasier: So, Lilith, tell me about this article you are writing. Freddie: [enters] It's about me. Lilith: Essentially, yes. I was talking to a friend that works at the New York Times Magazine about raising a child after divorce and she pointed out that as a psychiatrist, I might have a unique perspective. Freddie: You know, since it's about me, shouldn't I get something for it? Lilith: You're not getting a minibike. Freddie: But Mom...! Lilith: We have talked about this. You can get one when you are fifteen. Freddie: But all my friends have minibikes. Lilith: Yes, and if all of your friends decided to enter a Level Four biohazard area without their environmental containment suits, would you do that too? Freddie: This is different! Lilith: No, it's not. Freddie: Dad! Frasier: Sorry Frederick, I'm with your mother on this one. Daphne: [from kitchen] Dinner's almost ready! Lilith: Excuse me. Lilith gets up and leaves to the powder room. Freddie: You know what I think, Dad? You and mom should write this article together. Frasier: Well, I'm sure your mom can write it without my help. Freddie: But it was her idea, she told me on the plane how much easier it would be. I just don't think she knows how to ask you. Frasier: It is an intriguing idea. Daphne enters. Martin: [from kitchen] Frasier! I could use some help out here. Daphne: He's picking the raisins out of the stuffing! Frasier: Oh Lord! Coming, Dad. Daphne and Frasier exit back to the kitchen. Then Lilith enters back from the powder room and sits with her son. Freddie: You know, I think you and Dad should write this article together. Lilith: Together? Well, I think the last thing your father wants is to collaborate with me. Freddie: But it was his idea. He just told me how much fun it would be. Lilith: Well, it's an interesting notion. Niles and Daphne enter from the kitchen. Niles is carrying a carved turkey. Daphne: Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane. Niles: Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma. Daphne and Niles share a laugh as Lilith guides Freddie to the table. Lilith: Did you wash your hands, Frederick? Freddie: Yeah. Uncle Niles even showed me how to open the door with my elbow so I don't need to touch the handle. Niles: What are uncles for? Lilith: Daphne, is your fiancée joining us? Daphne: No, I'll be seeing him later. Donny has his own Thanksgiving tradition. He has a dinner for all the divorced men he's represented during the year. He's hosting twenty-five today. Lilith: Wow! Twenty-five lonely, bitter men. Daphne: It's been a good year. Niles pulls out the chair next to Daphne so that he can sit by her, however Freddie beats him to it. Freddie: Uncle Niles, mom's writing an article about me. Niles: Really? Lilith: It's about raising a child after divorce. Frasier: Yes, it sounds fascinating, doesn't it? It's a subject that's very near and dear to my own heart. Lilith: Are you suggesting we collaborate? Frasier: Well, if you think I might be helpful. Freddie: What a great idea, you can write it together. Frasier: I'd be willing. Lilith: Well, we certainly did well on our first collaboration. [glances at Frederick] Frasier: You know, Lilith, we could probably get most of it done in the time you're still here in town. Freddie: And if you stay here, you can finish the whole thing. Frasier: Well, I guess it would be alright by me. Lilith: Daphne, would that be too much of an imposition? Daphne: Not at all, I'll be spending the weekend with Donny. [rises] Now, where is your father with that gravy? [exits to kitchen] Lilith: Then I'll stay here. Although maybe we should run this by your father. The clattering of a gravy boat is heard from the kitchen. Frasier: No need. End of Act One. Act Two. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Lilith and Frasier working through some notes on the couch. Lilith's hair has been taken out of its bun and they are sharing a glass of wine. Lilith: Yes, but I think we should have something about non custodial parents and discipline. Frasier: Exactly! The weekend the father needn't be a weakened father. Lilith: [laughs] Frasier, you still have a direct line to my funny bone. Frasier: [laughs] Thank Goodness the line wasn't stop. Lilith: [laughs] Stop! Now, if we laugh all night, we'll never get any work done. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Bedroom. Meanwhile, Frederick is sat on Frasier's bed playing a video game on the television screen. He seems very much into it. There is a knock at the door and Niles enters and sits with him. Niles: Hey Frederick, I'm leaving. [notices screen] Whatcha doing? Freddie: I'm saving the universe. Do you want to help? Niles: [laughs] I wouldn't know where to begin. Freddie: It's easy, I'll show you. Niles: All right, what do you do? Freddie: [hands him controller] That's your guy, you've just escaped from an intergalactic maximum security prison pod. Niles: Like they could hold me. Freddie: Now once you leave this chamber, you can go left or right, and different things will happen to you. Niles tries to play and in an instant a scream in heard from the game. Niles: What happened? Freddie: Wow! I never saw the guy trip and fall before. Try it again, you have two lives left. Niles: Okay. [tries again but fails] I can't seem to get out of this room, is this some sort of advanced level? Freddie: No, this is like the training area. I didn't even know you could die here! Niles: [tries again but fails] I have to get out of this room! Freddie: The reset button's on the right. Do you want something to drink? [rises] Niles: Quiet! Niles carries on playing as Frederick slips out of the room. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. A minute or two later, Frasier is washing the dishes in the kitchen. Frederick enters. Freddie: Hi, Dad. Frasier: Oh, hi son. Freddie: How's the writing? Frasier: Well, it's coming along nicely, thanks. Freddie: Oh, mom wants to know if you're bringing over the wine? Frasier: Oh, of course, yes. [picks up wine glass] Freddie: You know, it's great to see you and Mom working together. I think she kinda misses you. Frasier: Really? Freddie: Yes, she talks about you all the time. Y ou know, how wonderful you are and how she's never met another man like you. [pointing to glass of wine] You go take that out to her, I'll finish up in here. Frasier: Thank you, son. Frasier exits the kitchen and enters the main room. He hands the glass to Lilith but stands firmly away from her. Frasier: There you are. Lilith: [surprised] Oh, thank you. I've been rearranging this outline, why don't you take a look. Lilith holds up the piece of paper. Frasier, not wanting to get closer, briefly glances at it. Frasier: Looks fine. Lilith: Frasier, you can't see it from there, sit down. [he does] You know, I'm really enjoying this collaboration. Frasier: Me too. Lilith: Is it me, or is it getting warm? [takes her jacket off revealing her bare shoulders] Frasier: [shaken up] It is a little warm! Eddie then rushes out from the corridor and heads straight to the door. He scratches at the door with fury trying to get out as Martin follows him. Martin: All right, boy, I'm coming, I'm coming. Frasier: [rises] Dad, let me walk you out. There's something I want to discuss with you. Martin: You know, I've never seen him so eager to take a walk, I wonder what... [notices Lilith] Oh, right. Eddie, Martin and Frasier exit the apartment as Frederick enters from the kitchen. Freddie: Hey, mom. How's the article going? Lilith: Very well, thank you. Freddie: You know, I've never seen Dad this happy. Lilith: Oh, what do you mean? Freddie: Well, all he does is talk about you. How pretty you look and how smart you are and how much he misses you. Reset to: Hallway Meanwhile, Martin and Frasier are having a one to one in the corridor. Martin: What makes you think she's coming on to you? Frasier: Well, actually Frederick told me, but you know, it actually makes sense. I mean, this colleague of hers gets mysteriously ill and then she lassoes me into writing this article with her and then all of a sudden before I know it, the bun is off and she's waggling her bare shoulder at me. Martin: Hey, some of us just had a big meal! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Frasier's Bedroom. Niles is sprawled out on the bed intensely playing the video game. A knock is heard at the door. Niles: It's not your turn yet, I still have two more lives. Lilith: [enters] It's Lilith. As she says this the computer gives out a "scream" as Niles fails again which adds to the comic timing. Lilith enters, shutting the door behind her, and sits on the bed next to Niles. Lilith: I need to talk to you. Niles: Does the door have to be closed? Lilith: I thinks it's best, it's of a personal nature. Niles: What's this about? Lilith: Well, it's about an attraction that I thought was over and now I'm beginning to think, maybe it's not. Niles: Usually in my dreams, this is where I try to run and can't. Lilith: This isn't about you, you egomaniac. This is about Frasier. I think he wants us together again. Niles: He knows how I feel about you. Lilith: Not us! Me and Frasier! Is there a chair here I could talk to?! Once again Niles fails on his computer game, and the scream is heard. Niles: Well, what makes you think he wants you to get back together? Lilith: Well, first he offers to collaborate on this article, now he's plying me with wine and at this very moment I expect he's asking your father to clear out for the night. Niles: So he took a professional interest in your article and he offered you some wine on Thanksgiving. Now who's the egomaniac? Lilith: Perhaps I am overreacting. I'll just have to keep my eyes peeled for more conclusive evidence. Lilith takes over the game pad and starts playing on the computer. From the way she plays, you can tell she is a pro at the game. Niles: I didn't know there was a door there! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Frasier's Aparment. In the corridor, Frasier and Martin are still conferring. Frasier: Then again, maybe I've just made this whole thing up in my head. Tell you what, Dad. Take a minute and then come back in. See what you think's going on in there and then find some subtle way to tell me what you think. Martin: All right, okay. Just give me a minute. Meanwhile, inside the apartment, Frederick is lighting romantic candles. He then turns the lights down low and switches on some light, classical music on the stereo. As Frasier enters, his son runs off to his bedroom. Frasier is worried by this environment. He notices the bottle of wine on the table and quickly hides it away in the kitchen. Lilith the enters also noticing the aura of the room. She is slightly angered by this as Frasier enters. They confront each other. Lilith: Frasier. Frasier: Lilith. Lilith: [worried] Well, isn't this nice? Frasier: [worried] Yes, very nice. Then Martin enters, and swiftly takes in the music, the lights, the candles, and Lilith's hair and shoulders. Martin: Oh, excuse me again, I just came back to get an umbrella in case it rains. [picks one up] But I hope it doesn't, because Eddie's just dying to play this new game I taught him. I take off his leash and I say, "Run for your life!" That's exactly what I say, "Run for your life!" Frasier: Thank you, Dad. Martin: Okay. [starts to leave, then] Run for your life! Martin exits. Lilith: Frasier, we have to talk. Frasier: Yes, Lilith, we do. Lilith: I mean, I can't just sit here all night waiting for you to make your move. Frasier: Well, you've just got this all worked out, haven't you! Lilith: Well, let's see. Candlelight, wine, soft music. What else do I need? Frasier: I don't know what's worse: that you want me back or that you think I can be won so easily! [switches off music] Lilith: You think I'm responsible for this?! Frasier: You assume you can just snap your fingers and old Frasier'll come-a-runnin'?! Well, I'm sorry, it doesn't work that way, sister. First of all I have to be finessed! Lilith: I didn't do any of this, and if you didn't either, then someone is setting us up. Frasier: But who...? [realizes] Frederick! He told me that you've been pining for me. Lilith: He just told me the same about you. Frasier: Good Lord, here we are writing an article on taking your child through a divorce and our son is nursing the hopeless fantasy that we'll get back together. We've got to go talk with him. Lilith: No, wait a minute, something is not right here. When has Frederick expressed the slightest desire to see us together? Frasier: He could have been sublimating it for years. Lilith: Even so, he lied to both of us. He had to have known that we'd compare notes. Frasier: Alright, so his plan was a little artless. Lilith: Unless... That's exactly what he wanted. Frasier: What do you mean? Lilith: Think about it. He makes us believe that he wants us together, of course we have to tell him that that's not going to happen. His hopes are dashed and we feel so guilty that we compensate by getting him something he wants. Frasier: A minibike? Lilith: That's a very clever little boy we have. Frasier: Could he actually be so devious? Lilith: Ah, well, if he wants something badly enough, he will figure out a way to get it. Remember when he was a baby, the bottle at the end of the maze? Frasier: You know, I kinda regret doing that. Lilith: [calls] Frederick! Frasier: What are you going to do? Just come out and ask him? Lilith: Of course not, he'll only deny it. Frasier: What then? Lilith: Just go with me on this one. Frederick enters. Lilith: Frederick, have a seat, we need to talk to you. Freddie: [sits] What about? Lilith: We know that you've been trying to maneuver us together and it's only natural for a child of divorce to want that. Generally speaking, your plan would be fruitless, but when your father and I let down our guard and looked at each other in the candlelight, we realized that we belong together. In other words, we're getting remarried. Lilith links hands with a very anxious Frasier who tries to cover this up with a broad grin. Freddie: Do you really mean it? [Frasier nods in "delight"] This is going to be the best Christmas ever! I'm gonna go tell Uncle Niles. Frederick exits to his room. Frasier: Have you lost your mind?! Lilith: He's cooler than I thought. Frasier: Cooler?! This isn't a game of poker! This is our son being lied to by his parents. We've got to go in there, tell him the truth and make it up to him. Even if it takes a fleet of minibikes! Lilith: No, no, Frasier. Please, we called his bluff. Now, he's calling ours. The question is, what's our next move? Frasier: Oh, I know, why don't we just consult this handy little guide for divorced parents?! [points to their article] Lilith: We can't blink first, we've got to up the ante. Frasier: Good idea, Lilith! [sarcastic] You know what? Let's go in there and promise him the baby brother he'll never have! Frederick and Niles then enter. Niles has an expression on his face that kills me with laughter every time I see it. It is a mix of fake joy, worry, and anger. Niles: What's this joyous news I hear? Lilith: You know, Frederick, you're going to have to give up all of your friends, because we're going to live here in Seattle. Freddie: I'd live anywhere to be a family again. Niles: [in one long breath] So it is true, congratulations to you both, good night. [heads to door] Freddie: Don't you want your coat, Uncle Niles? Niles: No, thank you! Niles walks, very stiffly, towards and out of the door, not even looking back at the "happy couple." Freddie: I'm going to go call my friends. I love you. [exits] Lilith: I don't understand, I was so sure. Frasier: Oh gee, don't be so tough on yourself, Lilith. After all, what parent doesn't at one time or another completely obliterate their child's chances of ever trusting another human being?! Oh well, there he is. Telling his friends that all of his dreams have come true. Lilith: Unless that's what he wants us to think? Frasier: When will you stop?! Lilith goes over to the phone and clicks onto speaker phone on which Frederick is chatting to his friend. Freddie: [v.o.] It worked! All I did was tap into my parents' feelings of inadequacy and they crumbled. Boy: [v.o.] What does that mean? Freddie: I'm getting the minibike. Lilith: [into phone] Frederick. Freddie: Uh-oh! [hangs up] Lilith and Frasier are relieved. Lilith: Do I know my son, or do I know my son? Frasier: He was willing to put us through absolute hell just for a minibike? Lilith: You know what this means, don't you? Frasier: Yes... he's normal. We're not bad parents. Well done, Dr. Sternin. Lilith: Well done, Dr. Crane. They hi-five. Lilith: Well, we really should get in there. Frasier: Yes, I suppose we should. Must be sheer torment for him, waiting for the axe to fall. Lilith: Absolute hell. Frasier: Absolute nightmare. And then: Frasier: [laughs] Wine? Lilith: Love some. Frasier hands Lilith her wine glass as they sit down to relax. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne kneels next to Frederick on the bed as he pretends to struggle with the video game. Finally she takes pity on him and puts her arms around his to help him work the controls. Frederick looks at her with a rather Niles-like expression of satisfaction as at least one plan works out for the day.

Plan: A: Thanksgiving; Q: What holiday is Frederick coming to celebrate with his father? A: Lilith; Q: Who is writing an article about raising a child after divorce? A: a colleague; Q: Who was Lilith supposed to spend Thanksgiving with? A: Frasier; Q: Who does Lilith ask to join her and Frederick for Thanksgiving? A: family; Q: What is Thanksgiving supposed to be a celebration of? A: their brief tryst; Q: What is the source of the awkwardness between Lilith and Niles? A: the apartment; Q: Where does Frederick suggest Lilith stay? A: his parents; Q: Who does Frederick want to bring closer together? A: romantic music; Q: What kind of music does Frederick play? A: a more extravagant gift; Q: What does Frederick want from his parents? Summary: Frederick is coming to celebrate Thanksgiving with his father, while Lilith spends the holiday with a colleague. At the last minute, this colleague cancels, and Lilith asks Frasier if she can join them. He concedes, acknowledging that the season should be a celebration of family, even though there is still some awkwardness between Lilith and Niles following their brief tryst. Lilith happens to be writing an article about raising a child after divorce , and Frederick suggests she collaborate with Frasier, and do so while she stays at the apartment. He then goes to some effort to bring his parents closer together, saying privately to each how much the other is missing them, setting up mood lighting and romantic music. They realise that they are being set up, and that Frederick does not wish for them to get back together but is attempting to manipulate them into giving him a more extravagant gift.

EXT. - SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT [Title card: Palo Alto, California - 1973] [The exterior of a 60's-era California ranch-style house. An old station wagon drives past.] INT. - SUBURBAN HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT [Music is playing - maybe Doris Day? Several women sit around the living room, on the couch and in chairs. Each woman has her legs parted slightly, and is holding a mirror between her legs, to see her vulva. Another woman, Teri, stands at the bar pouring drinks.] Woman #1: (shocked) Oh my god, where is it? Woman #2: Oh, no, it's horrible! Woman #3: Don't say it's horrible. It's beautiful. [Woman #4 is sitting in a chair, holding a mirror with one hand, and a cigarette in the other.] Woman #4: Well, it sure isn't beautiful. Doll, it looks like burnt curtains. [The other ladies chuckle.] Woman #4: But I'll be damned if I'm gonna be called frigid for the rest of my life just 'cause I don't understand what I got goin' on down there. [Woman #5 is quiet. She blinks a few times, staring at her mirror. Another woman passes a huge bowl of granola down the couch.] Woman #6: Careful with the granola! [The women chuckle.] Woman #7: Girls, if it wasn't for this group, I would still think that Valium was my only hope for survival. Woman #8: I would still believe in the myth of the vaginal orgasm. Thank you Sigmund Freud, you patronizing, sexist pig! Woo! Everyone: Woo! Yeah! Right on! [Woman #5 is quietly reading the book "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About s*x". Her eyes widen.] Woman #9: Can I just say... I know this is only our fifth meeting, but I already feel closer to all of you than I do my own husband. Everyone: Aw. Woman #4: I sure don't know any husband that's going to get this familiar with a bunch of ladies' wiff-waffs. [The women laugh. Teri sits on the couch next to Marilyn. She turns to her and puts her arm across the back of the couch. Marilyn looks a tad shy.] Teri: What about you, sweetie? Is this just all too far out for you? Marilyn: Oh! No. I... [Marilyn is smiling politely, but looks conflicted, a little embarrassed, and perhaps a little upset.] Teri: What? Go on, you can tell us. We're your sisters. You can tell us how you're feeling. [Marilyn looks at the other ladies nervously.] Marilyn: I... didn't know... Chet, he's just... so fast, and clumsy... I had no idea... about the, um... (smiles) Excuse me. [She gets up quickly and walks out of the room, into the kitchen. The other ladies are silent. Teri looks around, then sighs.] Teri: I'm just going to go check on her. [Teri walks into the kitchen.] Woman #8: Revival. [The ladies laugh.] KITCHEN - [Marilyn stands at the kitchen sink, nervously folding a dishtowel. She breathes nervously, flustered. Teri calmly walks up.] Teri: You have a right to be happy. [Teri takes the dishtowel away and sets it on the counter. Marilyn looks at her, then away.] Teri: And sexually fulfilled. [Teri inches closer, then puts her hand on Marilyn's back. Marilyn jumps a little, her breathing getting faster.] Marilyn: I should - Teri: Did you know that you can be sexually fulfilled? Marilyn: I should go. Chet's expecting me. Teri: So? [As Teri gets closer, Marilyn becomes more excited, breathing faster.] Marilyn: (breathless) I have a three-year-old. He sometimes wakes. Night terrors. Teri: (nodding) Well, what's going to happen if you turn up a little late? Hmm? [Teri pushes Marilyn's hair away from her neck, then moves behind her. Marilyn shudders. Teri puts a hand on her hip and breathes into her ear.] Teri: Is the world gonna stop turning? Will he dock your allowance? [Teri pulls Marilyn to her and kisses the other side of Marilyn's neck. On the screen, we see the name "Teri". From the name, a line is drawn up, and at the end of the line, the name "Marilyn" appears.] Marilyn: What do I tell him? [Teri reaches under Marilyn's shirt. Marilyn gasps.] Teri: Tell him the girls had a lot to talk about tonight. Tell him we're changing the world and it's gonna take some time. Tell him it's no easy task creating equality for women. [Marilyn breathes heavily, then turns around to Teri.] [Opening credits] EXT. - SANTA MONICA - NIGHT [Tegan and Sara's "So Jealous" plays over various scenes of the Santa Monica Pier in L.A.] INT. - KCRW STUDIO - NIGHT [Alice is doing her radio show. The studio is nearly dark, aside from a small lamp on her desk.] Alice: (mic) That was "So Jealous" by Tegan and Sara and I'm Alice Pieszecki and you're listening to "The Chart" on KCRW. Welcome back. Tonight, we are talking about the connection between love and the senses. Your lover... kisses you and... you feel a tremor in the back of your knees. INT. - DANA'S HOUSE - MORNING [Dana, still in her PJs, walks through a hallway.] Alice: (voice over) The synapses fire, sending orders: "Move your legs, move your arms." INT. - KCRW STUDIO - NIGHT Alice: (mic) "She's the one for you. She's the... girl of your dreams. She's your... one and only..." And you know, because... the smell of her makes your head swim, because... you get a physical jolt every time... INT. - DANA'S HOUSE - MORNING [Dana smiles as she walks toward the kitchen.] Alice: (voice over) ... she sends a glance your way. I mean, she touches you here... INT. - KCRW STUDIO - NIGHT [Alice touches herself on the neck.] Alice: (mic) and you feel it... here. [Alice puts a hand between her legs.] Alice: (mic) You touch her anywhere, and you feel it everywhere. And then... boom! It's six months later. INT. - DANA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING Alice: (voice over) And she's touching someone else. [Dana walks into the kitchen and puts her arms around Lara, who's busy whipping up some breakfast. They kiss.] Alice: (voice over) "And you might say..." INT. - KCRW STUDIO - NIGHT Alice: (mic) "Hey, Al... relationships end, lovers leave, leaving labyrinth of heartache and betrayal." For example, my first boyfriend left me for a voluptuous former lesbian named April, who I then wound up having a rebound affair with, but we could also talk about Gabby, otherwise known as "Lesbian X", the point of origin for an entire geographical substratum of lesbian linkages. Including Lara. INT. - DANA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING Dana: Whaddaya makin'? Lara: Pies. Dana: Mm. (reading recipe) "6 egg yolks, a quarter cup of heavy cream"? Lara, I can't eat this, I'm training. Lara: Yes, you can, because, with your metabolism and the workout I'm about to give you, you can indulge in my little breakfast soufflé. Dana: (laughing) Can I? Lara: Yes. Dana: Okay. [They kiss.] Dana: Workout, huh? Lara: Mm-hmm. [Lara props Dana up on the kitchen counter, knocking dishes into the floor.] Alice: (voice over) Yes, that same Lara. We love 'er. Lara the Larcenist. Lara the Liberator. INT. - KCRW STUDIO - NIGHT Alice: (mic) Lara, the new, uh, true love of - of - of Dana! And, uh... [Alice opens a prescription pill bottle.] Alice: (mic) Yeah, I mean, Dana... who told me she needed... (whiny) she needed closure. Closure with Lara. [Alice takes a pill.] Alice: (mic) Well. It's six months later and I'm still waiting for it to close. [Alice washes the pill down with some water.] INT. - BABY CLASS - DAY [A medium-sized room full of toys and decorations for infants and toddlers. A bunch of parents sit with their infants in a circle. A man named Angus sits with them in the circle playing a guitar and leading a song. The parents sing along. A couple of the babies are crying.] Angus/Parents: (singing) "Hel-lo, every-body, so glad to see you. Hel-lo to Lo-la, so glad to see you. Hel-lo to Pi-erce, so glad to see you. Hel-lo to Angelica, so glad to see you." [We see a few of the parents dancing their babies around. A couple of the babies are wandering around in the circle. Bette and Tina sit with the group, singing. Bette holds Angelica, dancing her to the music. Angelica smiles.] Angus/Parents: (singing) "Hel-lo, every-body, so glad to see youuuu." [Everybody claps. All the parents talk in baby talk and help their babies clap.] Parents: Yay! Yay! [Angus gets up and goes to get a bucket of musical instruments.] Angus: It's time for instruments! Bette: (whispering to Tina) I'll try and get her the triangle today. Tina: Okay. [Once Angus sets down the bucket, all the parents lunge on it to get first dibs. Bette lunges, but not fast enough. A young father holding his baby grabs the instrument she's after. Angus goes and puts on a record.] Bette: Oh, I was - I was just looking for that. Father: I'm sure there's more. Bette: No. There aren't. That's the last one. Father: Sorry. [The young father sits down with the instrument.] Bette: Asshole. [Tina looks up at Bette. Angus looks a little scared. Bette grabs a tambourine and sits down.] Angus: Okay, does everyone have an instrument? I think it's time to get up for "dance in a circle" time! [All the parents stand with their children. Angus stands in the center of the circle as they dance around him to the music. Bette holds Angelica, dancing with the tambourine. Tina catches up to the young father.] Tina: (smiling) Sorry about that. Father: Uh, it happens. Especially with some of these moms. Which one of you is the... [Bette dances by and gives him a mean glare.] Father: ... is the mom? Tina: I gave birth, actually. Father: Oh, wow. I would've figured it was her. Your daughter looks a lot like her. She's not your sister, is she? Tina: She's my partner. Father: Oh! Tina: (chuckles) And, um... [Bette dances by with Angelica and the tambourine. She smiles at Tina and glares at the young father.] Tina: She's a little stressed out today. We're about to have a home visit from the adoption social worker. Father: But she's your baby. Tina: Yeah. I mean... but, not Bette's, at least not according to the law. She has to do this, uh, thing that's called a second parent adoption so that she can legally become Angelica's other parent. Father: Hmm. Tina: Complicated? [They both laugh.] INT. - DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY [Kit is in the doctor's office for an examination. The doctor is her son, David.] Kit: This is so weird. I didn't realize it would be so awkward. David: Doesn't have to be awkward, mom. Just tell me what's been going on, and I'll do my best to help you out. [David puts a blood pressure cuff on her arm and proceeds to take her blood pressure.] Kit: I think it started around the time Daddy got sick. I just - I just - didn't deal. I just didn't deal. I know it's my fault for letting it go this long, but he... he was so sick and he needed all my attention and, you know, if I had taken care of myself, we would've caught it before it got this bad - David: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, mom. Let's not plan your funeral yet. Now what are you symptoms? [David listens to her pulse in her arm through his stethoscope.] Kit: (puts her hand to her chest) Breathing... I have a hard time breathing, and heart palpitations and sometimes I have to sit down and catch my breath. And I, um, I'm having these headaches every day. And I know they're connected to something that's bad going on somewhere else - and I - I - I'm having a hard time just concentrating on any one thing. [David puts his stethoscope around his neck and takes the pressure cuff off Kit's arm.] David: Well, your blood pressure's a little high, but it's not off the chart. Don't assume the worst, okay? Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna send you for some blood work. We're gonna check your levels, we're gonna run a few tests. Now, I'm actually betting that this is psychological. [David writes on her chart. Kit raises a brow and looks a little lost on his diagnosis.] David: You're under a lot of stress running that business all by yourself. Not to mention all the time you're putting in helping them out with Tina's baby. Kit: Yeah, well it's Bette's baby, too, you know, not just Tina's. [David hands her a form for tests.] David: Just call today. INT. - BABY CLASS - DAY [The class is over. The parents are leaving. Bette gives an invitation to one of the parents. The invitation has Angelica's footprint stamped on the front. Tina is holding Angelica and talking to the young father a few feet away.] Bette: (to parent) It's, um, 2:00 to 6:00, on Saturday. Tina: (to young father) It's for, uh, six month. It's really just an excuse to have a party. Father: Thanks, I'll try and make it. Tina: Great. Take care. Father: See ya. [He leaves. Bette walks up to Tina.] Bette: Why'd you invite him? Tina: He's sweet, I like him. Bette: He's so... straight. Tina: Since when did you have a problem with straight people? Bette: I don't have a problem with straight people, it's just he's so... (draws a square in the air with her fingers) you know, suburban. Tina: I grew up in the suburbs. Suburbs aren't that terrible. Why does everybody have to be a hipster? [Bette looks worriedly at Tina, then spots Angus behind Tina.] Bette: Angus. I have a proposition for you. [Angus stops what he's doing and stands up to talk to Bette.] Bette: Would you be interested in playing for the kids at Angelica's six month celebration? [Tina hears her and walks up to stand next to her, giving her a glare. Bette doesn't pay attention.] Angus: Wow, yeah, I'll play almost anywhere I'm invited as long as there's a paycheck involved. My band's trying to put out our CD. Tina: Cool. [Angus smiles at Angelica. Tina hands her to him.] Angus: Whaddaya think, Angelica? Want me to rock your half-birthday party? [Tina looks unhappily at Bette again. Bette ignores her, focused on Angelica.] Angus: (to Angelica) Maybe some Ozzy? Black Sabbath? Bette: (smiling) I was actually thinking more "Cock-a-Doodle-Doo". Angus: Oh, no, that's what you'll get. Thanks, I could really use the cash. Bette: Great. Tina: (to Angelica) Oh, c'mere. [Angus hands Angelica back to Tina.] INT. - FORTUNE TELLER ROOM - DAY [Helena and a tarot card reader sit at a table opposite each other.] Tarot Reader: (reading cards) I am power and beauty, emanating the warmth of the sun through a heart as deep as the ocean. Helena: Are you sure it's not "pockets as deep as the ocean"? Reader: It could be. Yeah. Pockets. [The reader lays down a couple more cards.] Reader: Uh, you just bought something. Something that most people consider reckless and foolish. Helena: We are about to close on a deal, but I can't tell you what it is. Reader: You don't have to say. [She puts down another card and looks at it.] Reader: You bought a movie studio. Helena: My god, how did you know that? [Helena leans forward to look at the cards.] Reader: Because the cards know everything. [She lays down a couple more cards.] Reader: (pleased) Oh. And there's a romance in your future. See? This is you, The Empress, she knows how to pamper herself but she really knows how to take care of her lovers. And this, the Knight of Wands, that's the love interest. Uh, it's a creative person, an artist of some kind. Volatile and changeable, especially sexually. Helena: Sexually changeable, what does that mean? Bisexual or something? Reader: Shuffle and take three more cards. [Helena shuffles the deck, then pulls out three cards and hands them over. The reader puts them down and looks at them.] Reader: Bisexual. Yeah. This person is bisexual. [Helena looks surprised.] Reader: He or she... uh... she, I think... is going to stand back to back with you, and then face to face. Helena: What does that mean? [The reader shakes her head and looks at the cards. She looks confused.] Reader: I'm sorry, I... can't tell you any more right now. (looks at cards again) Except that she drives a blue car. And she's a brunette. [Helena raises her brows.] INT. - DR. FARBER'S OFFICE - DAY [Dr. Farber, a s*x therapist, walks through her office followed by Bette and Tina.] Dr. Farber: Alright, now, one of you lie down on this fluffy couch and the other one come and pick some material. [Bette and Tina walk up to the couch. Dr. Farber walks to a cabinet and starts to open it.] Bette: (to Tina) Mama T, why don't you be the "lier-downer" and I'll go choose some materials for us. Dr. Farber: No. [Dr. Farber closes the cabinet and looks at them.] Bette: What? Dr. Farber: Please. (to Tina) Do you also call her "Mama B"? Tina: Uh - yeah, sometimes I do call her "Mama B". Dr. Farber: (to Tina) Okay, get up. (to Bette) You go sit down. Sit down. [Dr. Farber shakes her head and sits down. Bette and Tina sit on the couch together.] Dr. Farber: Alright. Listen. The guiding principle here is that we are trying to rekindle the sexual spark in this long-term relationship. And "Mama T" and "Mama B" do not make mad, passionate love to one another, they make cookies. [Bette and Tina look appropriately scolded.] Dr. Farber: (stands) Okay. Now. When you do these sensate-focus exercises at home, (to Bette) Tina - she'll be naked, wearing a blindfold - [Bette smiles at Tina. Tina blushes and laughs.] Tina: Oh-ho, no way. Dr. Farber: What - what's wrong with that? Tina: I'll feel ridiculous. I don't want anybody staring down at my naked body, tickling me with strips of rubber and suede. I - [Bette looks agitated. She shakes her head.] Bette: Well, first of all, I'm not just anybody. I'm your life-partner and would-be lover, and secondly, I find you beautiful. [Tina sighs and scoffs.] Tina: You can't possibly find this big, ugly scar and my sagging stomach and my leaky nipples beautiful. Bette: You cannot tell me what I can and cannot find beautiful. I mean, and I - I don't think this is all about you feeling unattractive or tired. In fact, I hate to say this, but (to doctor) Dr. Farber, I think she's still punishing me for - Tina: (laughs) I am not punishing you! Bette: Oh, no? Tina: I'm exhausted! I am up half the night with Angelica! [Bette glares at the floor.] Dr. Farber: Look, let's try something else, alright? Uh... (opens cabinets) We could try the... The Lover's Paintbox. [Bette glances over at Tina. Tina smiles at her.] Dr. Farber: Beautiful. Very high-quality chocolate. $33.95. [Dr. Farber hands the paintbox to Bette and goes back to the cabinet. Bette smiles at Tina but Tina disapproves.] Tina: (whispering) It's too expensive. [Bette frowns. Tina knits her brow.] Dr. Farber: And this The Hot s*x Ice Cube Kit. $19.95, not as expensive. [Dr. Farber hands them a box each of woman-shaped and penis-shaped ice cube makers.] Tina: (not very enthusiastic) What do you do with the ice cube kit? Dr. Farber: Well, you take a cube - and it could be breast-shaped, penis-shaped, whatever - put it in your mouth, let a little water drip on her clit, on her nipples... because, really, one of the big problems of lesbian sexual dysfunction is aversion to oral stimulation... [Bette gives Tina a sideways glance. Tina squints at her.] Dr. Farber: ... and those - if you pardon the pun - are a major ice-breaker. [Bette looks at Tina again. Tina rolls her eyes and looks away. Bette looks at the floor.] Dr. Farber: Or, if all else fails, try a little... humor! [Dr. Farber turns around, wearing a red clown nose. Bette and Tina look at each other. Tina raises her brows.] Dr. Farber: C'mon, a little levity never hurt anybody's s*x life. (sits) Okay, so. What time do you put Angelica down to sleep? Tina: Oh, well, it differs every night. We don't really have her on a schedule. Bette: Yeah. Dr. Farber: Tonight, get her to sleep, put her in the crib - Bette: No, we don't put her down. We're practicing attachment parenting. We try to keep her in contact with another human body as much as possible. [Dr. Farber laughs a little. She looks worried. She takes off the clown nose.] Dr. Farber: Where is she right now? INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Dana, Lara, Shane, and Carmen sit around a table having drinks.] Dana: My turn. Oh, yeah! [Carmen is holding Angelica. She hands her to Dana. Dana holds Angelica up in the air.] Dana: Woohoo! (laughs) [Everyone smiles at them.] Dana: I wouldn't say my parents are happy about it, necessarily, I would just say that they've... they've accepted it, sort of in their own way. Lara: Yeah, they don't try and fix you up with guys anymore, so that's good. Dana: That's good. Lara: Yeah. Carmen: (eating) The whole, uh, coming-out-to-your-parents-in-a-Mexican-family, that stuff? Mm-mmm, there's something about it. It doesn't really play. Shane: No. So you just stay in the closet. Carmen: No, sweetheart. Shane: (smiling) Yes. Carmen: You don't just stay in the closet. There are certain things that are understood, and it is understood that we do not talk about those things. Like, I have htis Uncle Poppy. He borrowed his sister's prom dress one year, and uh, what he did with that prom dress, we don't know. And guess what? We don't ask. [Lara chuckles. Bette and Tina walk into the cafe and head towards the table.] Tina: (to Bette) I found it disconcerting, that's all. Bette: Why? What's wrong with "clit"? Tina: It's a little graphic. I prefer that our therapist use a more neutral language. Bette: So "clit" made you uncomfortable? Tina: A little, yeah. Bette: What about "c**t", do you have a problem with "c**t"? (to Angelica) Hey, Boo Boo! Dana: (to Angelica) Look who it is! Tina: (re: topic) It's not my favorite. Bette: (to everyone) Hey... Dana: Mama. [Dana hands Angelica to a smiling Bette.] Bette: Hi! Tina: Actually, I like "pussy". Carmen: Oh. Hear! Hear! I love pussy. [Shane leans forward to Carmen and motions to the baby.] Shane: Excuse me. Carmen: Hmm? Tina: (laughing) Shane, it's not as though she can really understand what we're talking about. Shane: You don't know that. Dana: What are you - what are you talking about? Bette: Well, Tina has a problem with the word "clit", which I find somewhat troubling, and she's also not too fond of "c**t". [Bette looks at Tina. Tina glares at Bette.] Lara: Oh, my god, I love the word "c**t". I get totally hot. Dana: No - you do?! Lara: Yeah! Don't you? Dana: I... (shrugs) Bette: Well, what words do you use? [Dana opens her mouth to speak, then stops, then tries again, then stops again.] Shane: "Pussy" works for me. Carmen: Mm-hmm. "Beaver" is also fun sometimes and I like "twat". [Everyone laughs.] Carmen: (to Shane) Actually, I really like "twat"! You know that. Shane: (chuckles) I know. Carmen: Aww, babe! [Shane chuckles. They kiss.] Tina: See, I just grew up in a world of euphemisms, like "down there", "nether regions", "private parts", "naughty bits"... "Uh oh, don't touch your no-no!" Dana: (laughs) I was the same way. "Private parts", "lady parts"... "lady parts", "it". [Alice approaches the table behind Dana and Lara. Everybody else sees her before Dana does.] Alice: Then who came up with "peeper"? [Dana looks at Alice and laughs. Alice grins.] Alice: Peeper! Peeper, peeper, peeper. Bette: Mama T, why don't you feed her for a while, I think she's hungry. [Bette hands the baby to Tina.] Tina: (confused) She's fine. [Alice, still finding it hilarious, kneels down by Dana and continues.] Alice: Peeper, peeper, peeper! "Touch my peeper, Al. Nobody touches my peeper like you do." [Dana and Lara look annoyed. Alice grins. Bette looks disappointed in Alice's behavior.] Alice: "Oh, look what happens to my peeper when it touches your peeper. It's a wet peeper!" Shane: Alice... Dana: We're gonna go. Alice: It's a wet, wet peeper. [Dana and Lara get their stuff and leave.] Dana: You win, Al. [Alice stands, watching them go, and smiles.] Alice: Peeper. [As they depart, Alice hangs her head and sighs heavily.] Tina: (holding Angelica up) Oh, baby, say hello to Auntie Alice. Bette: Mama T, can you just put her - really, just put her - Tina: Say hello! Say hello! Say hello! [Bette frowns. Alice flumps into a seat and crosses her arms.] Bette: So what are you on now? Alice: I'm on methylphenidate. Possible side effects are (clears throat) - include, um, Tourette's. (sighs) [Bette looks a little worried at Alice.] Tina: It's okay. We're all a little stressed out right now. Carmen: Totally. [Shane nods.] Bette: Yeah, Tina and I, we have our first home visit with the adoption social worker today. Shane: Ah. I'm going to meet Carmen's mother. Carmen: Mm-hmm. Shane: And have dinner with her entire family. Carmen: And. Shane: I'm gonna act straight. [Bette laughs.] Carmen: Who wins! Tina: You win. Bette: Yeah, you win. INT. - YOGA CLASS - DAY [The class instructor leads the class from his mat at the front of the room. Fifteen or so other students follow his lead on their own Yoga mats, facing him. Helena and Alice are in the class together.] Instructor: Inhale, take the gaze up part-way. Exhale, stepping back. To dandasana, lowering down. Inhale, coming into up-dog. Opening up the chest through the arms. Exhaling back into downward-facing dog. Now let's step from down-dog, the right foot up beside the right hand. We're going into warrior one, people, virabhardrasana. [Helena grunts as she gets into position. One leg is stretched behind her; the other is bent at the knee in front. She raises her arms over her head. Next to her, Alice gets halfway through her own positioning before bursting into tears. Her face is already tear-streaked, her nose is red, and her eyes are puffy, as if she's already been crying for a while.] Helena: (grunting) Oh, I know, this stuff's really hard. It kills me. [Alice sobs terribly. Helena goes over to comfort her.] Helena: Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. I thought this would be good for you. Is there anything I can do? Alice: (sobbing) Oh, no, you're a good friend. You're a good friend! Instructor: Now, pivot on the ball of the left foot. [Helena gets back into position.] Instructor: Drop that heel to the ground. Turn the toes out 45 degrees. Is everyone cool with that? [Alice sobs more quietly. She eases into the warrior pose and sniffles, trying to breathe.] Helena: Oh, you poor thing. Is it Dana? [Alice takes a long, deep breath.] Alice: (still crying) I don't know. [Alice puts her arms up in the air, like the others. The instructor is walking around, looking at everyone's technique.] Alice: (sobbing) It could be these new drugs I'm on. Another student: Shh! [The instructor walks over and straightens out Alice's pose.] Instructor: 'Mkay. And drop your shoulder blades down your back. [Alice sighs, then starts to cry again. The instructor moves on to another student.] Alice: (sobbing) I just... I feel a little unpredictable. But I don't know, maybe... maybe it's just making me spontaneous, you know. Like I'm ready, I'm rea - Instructor: Shhh. No talking. [Alice straightens up her stance a tiny bit and sighs again, then starts to sob all over again.] Instructor: Okay, now, let's all partner up with the person on the mat next to us. I want you to turn back-to-back. [The instructor grabs Alice and Helena and puts them so they are back to back. He loops their arms together.] Instructor: And link arms. [Alice takes a breath and tries to focus.] Instructor: Now. The person facing the front of the room, I want you to bend forward and gently stretch your partner's back. [Alice nods.] Instructor: Gently. Bounce and stretch. [Alice gruffly leans forward and bounces, sobbing again. Helena is helpless, arms still linked through Alice's.] Helena: Alice! Instructor: Good, now switch. [Alice quickly straightens back up. Helena plants her feet, red-faced. Alice cries and sniffles. Their arms are still interlocked; now it's Helena's turn. She tries to turn around and look at Alice.] Alice: (sniffling) Wait, wait. We're not quite back-to-back. [Helena faces away from Alice. They synch up.] Alice: Okay. [Helena slowly leans forward, lifting Alice onto her back. Alice just lays there and begins to cry again.] Alice: (sobbing) Oh, god... Instructor: Okay, once you've both done the stretch, I want you to stand, and turn to face your partners... [Helena carefully stands up. The unlock arms and turn toward each other. Helena looks at Alice sadly.] Instructor: ... and grip one-another's shoulders like this. [The instructor takes a student and shows the class. He and the student put their arms on each other's shoulders, keeping their arms straight. Alice and Helena assume the position, facing each other.] Instructor: And bend your knees. Alice: (deep breath) Oh, god. Helena: Holy sh1t. Alice: What? Helena: We were back-to-back and now we're face-to-face. Alice: Yeah, I know, that's what he said to do. Ready? (deep breath) Oookay. [Alice frowns and squints through her puffy, red eyes as they both bend their knees and begin to lower to the floor. Alice stares at her and starts to sob loudly again. Helena grimaces.] EXT. - YOGA CLASS - PARKING LOT - DAY [The class is over. Helena is walking Alice to her car. Alice isn't crying now.] Helena: Saturday there's a Fuse event at Falcon. We should go. Alice: Helena, I can't even remember how to say hello to a girl at a bar. Helena: I'll help you. We'll scope the place out, you see anybody you like, and - [They get to her car. Helena stops.] Helena: Your car's... blue. [Alice looks at her car. It's all dusty on the outside, and full of junk inside.] Alice: I... I know it's... it's dirty, I'm usually such a neat-freak. Really. You'll never meet anyone tidier than me, it's just... [Alice opens the hatchback on her car and puts her stuff in.] Helena: Since... Dana. Yeah. Alice: You know, my life is sh1t, Helena. Okay? (closes hatchback) You saw me in there. I'm good for 5 minutes on these meds and then it - and then - Helena: And then it wears off. Alice: Yeah. Helena: That's the trouble with medication. Maybe you should just - Alice: I should take more. I should take a higher dose. Yes, of course. [Alice reaches in her jacket pocket and pulls out a bottle of pills.] Alice: It's the - I just - it's very - not precise, this pill-popping business, you know? [Alice opens the bottle and pours several pills into her mouth. She goes to get in her car. Helena wipes some of dust off on her finger.] Alice: Are you judging me? I mean, I would understand if you were, but... Helena: No, I - just... [Alice gets in her car. She's about to shut the door when she suddenly gets out and hugs Helena.] Alice: I - you're a good friend. You're a good friend. Good friend. [Alice jumps back in her car and closes the door. Helena looks very baffled and worried. She heads off to her own car. Alice roots around in her junk for her keys.] Alice: (muffled) f*ck! INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY [Auntie Kit is carrying Angelica into the living room. Bette is in the dining room trying to clear the dining table of several large black and white photographs. The phone is ringing.] Bette: Kit, can you help me with this table before you go? She'll be here in two seconds. [A car horn honks outside several times. Bette and Kit push the leaves of the table in.] Bette: Jesus, what is their f*cking problem? Kit: (to Angelica) Here we are, okay. [Tina comes in from the bedroom, agitated.] Tina: That's the social worker. She needs help getting up porch steps. [Tina heads to the front door. Kit gives Angelica to Bette.] Kit: Here you go. Bette: Here we go Angelica! Here, Boo Boo. Let's go meet the social worker. FRONT PORCH - [Ms. Roberta Collie, the social worker, is in a wheelchair. She rolls out of her van and up the walk to the front porch, where Tina, Bette, and Kit greet her with Angelica. Miss Collie doesn't seem terribly enthused to be there.] Tina: Hi! You made it. Bette: Hello Miss Collie, I'm Bette Porter. It's really nice to meet you. [Roberta shakes hands with Bette...] Bette: This is my partner Tina Kennard. [... and Tina.] Tina: Hi. Bette: And this is my sister, Kit Porter. [Kit smiles.] Bette: And this is Angelica. Roberta: I think you may wanna put that baby down and help me up these steps. Bette: Well, we don't really put her down, but I think we'll be okay. Roberta: What do you mean you don't put her down? Bette/Tina: Well, we're - Tina: - practicing attachment parenting. Roberta: Well I say anything that can be attached, can be detached. So why don't you detach the baby, put her in her crib for a few moments so you don't drop me. [Bette stands in shock. Tina and Kit move to help Miss Collie up the porch steps.] Kit: I think Tina and I can manage this, okay? [Kit and Tina start to bring the wheelchair up the steps.] Bette: Anyway, we don't have a crib. [Tina snaps a look at Bette for the umpteenth time.] Tina: We bought one, but it became apparent that we weren't gonna use it, so we donated it to a family in East L.A. That's where I work. [SCENE_BREAK] [Roberta is now on the porch.] Roberta: You have a six month-old baby and you don't have a crib. Kit: Okay. Good luck, mommies. [Kit leaves. Roberta turns and wheels in to the house, nearly hitting Tina and Bette.] INT. - ALICE'S CAR - L.A. STREETS - DAY [Alice is driving in traffic. Something distracts her in another lane and she swerves and yells at the other drivers.] Alice: Oh, c**t! (hits horn) c**t! [Alice looks over in the lane next to her just as a black car goes by. It's Dana.] Alice: Hi! Dana? [The car goes past.] DANA'S CAR - [Dana looks over a little, realizing she just passed Alice. She tenses up and drives faster. Alice drives faster to keep up.] ALICE'S CAR - Alice: Dana! Oh, f*ck you! f*ck you! DANA'S CAR - [Dana checks her mirrors and looks a little scared.] ALICE'S CAR - [Alice drives faster, but Dana starts to get away.] Alice: (hitting horn) Going to get away? You think you're going to get away? [Alice swerves into the lane behind Dana to speed up to her. Dana starts to drive even faster, swerving in and out of traffic dangerously.] DANA'S CAR - [Dana is white-knuckling the steering wheel, eyes wide, watching her mirrors.] ALICE'S CAR - [Alice zooms wildly in and out of traffic, still driving faster. She speeds up alongside Dana.] Alice: (shouting) Oh, f*ck you! Dana! [Dana is on her cell phone. She looks at Alice just as Alice's cell phone rings. Alice answers. It's Dana.] DANA'S CAR - Dana: (phone) Are you insane?! ALICE'S CAR - Alice: (phone) Am I insane?! You're the one who did it, Dana! Okay! DANA'S CAR - Dana: (phone) Just stop it, Al! ALICE'S CAR - [The two go racing through an intersection, paying no attention whatsoever to traffic.] Alice: (phone) You did this! DANA'S CAR - Dana: (phone) Just stop it! ALICE'S CAR - Alice: (phone) I didn't leave you! Okay! [Dana manages to speed ahead. Alice swerves to miss a garbage bin in the road.] Alice: (phone) God! DANA'S CAR - Dana: (phone) Alice - ! [Dana drops her phone and makes a hard left at an intersection, tires screeching. Alice is hot on her heels. Several cars honk and slam on their brakes to miss them.] ALICE'S CAR - [The call waiting on Alice's phone beeps.] Alice: (phone) Hold on, Dana, I'm getting another call, hold on, okay! DANA'S CAR - [Dana snarls and looks at the phone.] Dana: (at phone) ARGH! ALICE'S CAR - [Alice answers the other call in a pleasant voice.] Alice: (clears throat) (phone) Hello? EXT. - HELENA'S HOUSE - POOL - DAY [Helena's huge Hollywood mansion sits on a cliff by the beach, with a pool overlooking the ocean. Helena is in her sunbathing garb and high heels at a business meeting by the pool. As her associates are all sipping champagne, Helena breaks away from the meeting to talk to Alice on the phone.] Helena: (phone) Alice? It's Helena. Look, I wanted you to be the first to know - Alice: (phone) Yeah, Helena - ALICE'S CAR - Alice: (phone) Hold - I - can you just - hold on - I'm just - I'm - Dana's trying to get away from me, hold on. HELENA'S HOUSE - Helena: (phone) Dana's what? ALICE'S CAR - Alice: (phone) I just - all - she start - [The phone falls out of Alice' hand and lands between her legs.] Alice: f*ck! [Alice grabs the phone just in time to see she's in the oncoming traffic lane. She swerves out; cars go by blasting their horns.] Alice: (phone) Hey! I'm back. HELENA'S HOUSE - Helena: I'm buying a movie studio, Alice. ALICE'S CAR - Alice: (phone) That - that's great, Helena, that's so good, I can't really talk right now though. [Alice swerves crazily and speeds up until she's finally on Dana's bumper again.] Helena: (phone) No - no, no. I need to ask you one quick question, Alice. [Dana speeds ahead again.] Alice: Dana, f*ck! HELENA'S HOUSE - Helena: (phone) - wondering what your natural haircolor is. Alice: (phone) Oh! Umm... ALICE'S CAR - Alice: (phone) I guess if I go back to childhood, it's, y'know, I would consider myself a blonde... HELENA'S HOUSE - [Helena either seems a bit relieved, or a bit let down.] Alice: (phone) Umm... It kinda depends on what angle you look at me. ALICE'S CAR - Alice: (phone) I mean, it's kind of up for interpretation. If you look at me from one angle, it could be, uh... uh... you know, a light-ish dirty blonde, er... y'know, from another angle it could be sort of a - a - very pale brunette. [At the intersection, Dana turns right just as the light turns red. Alice slams on her brakes and barely misses flying out into cross traffic.] Alice: (phone) God - god dammit, I lost her. Hold on a sec, k? HELENA'S HOUSE - Helena: (phone) Alice?? ALICE'S CAR - Alice: (phone) Hey Dane. Dane? Um, are you planning on going straight down Sunset, or do you think that maybe you might turn off? DANA'S CAR - [Dana grinds her teeth and throws the phone down.] ALICE'S CAR - Alice: (phone) Dana? [Dialtone.] Alice: (phone) Dana? INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY [Bette and Tina stand nearby, holding Angelica, as Roberta looks around the house, inspecting it for her adoption review. She stops by a large sculpture on a table in the living room. It's of a large, leather-and-buckle S&M glove, with a huge hand in it, holding a paddle covered in nails. MC touches the nails and scoffs.] Roberta: You haven't exactly baby-proofed, have you? Bette: Well, I don't really believe in baby-proofing, per se, I mean first of all, it's ugly, and I really want Angelica to develop an intrinsic sense of beauty. Roberta: Mm-hmm. [Roberta is by the fireplace. She picks up an iron fire poker.] Roberta: Well, I can tell that's important to you, Bette. Presumably, it's why I don't see an abundance of brightly colored, stimulating, interactive plastic toys strewn around the home. Bette: (laughs) Exactly. [Roberta goes and checks out the dining room.] Roberta: And from the point of view of safety? Bette: Well, Miss Collie, I truly believe - Roberta: Call me Roberta. Bette: Roberta. I - I believe that children can learn what's safe and what's not safe through tactile encounters. [Roberta pokes at all the hard corners and pointy edges of furniture.] Bette: I mean, at this age, uh, she can't really grasp concepts, she can only have experiences. Roberta: So you're planning to let her put her hand in the fire. [Tina looks at a loss. She defers to Bette, who's still smiling.] Bette: Metaphorically. Roberta: I'll give you a metaphor, Bette. Go ahead and throw yourself off the 405 overpass. It'll hurt like hell, and damn straight you won't do it again because you'll be dead. Tina: It's not like we're totally opposed to baby-proofing... I - she's not even crawling yet. [Roberta continues to look around. When she turns, she sees a huge painting that shows many things in a theme, among them police officers and well-known civil rights figures such as Malcolm X. Tina and Bette continue talking to her and to each other and Angelica, oblivious to Roberta's reaction to the painting. Angelica coos happily.] Tina: (to Angelica) I know. Bette: Yeah, she's not even crawling. Tina: I've done research on pool covers and fences and - the fences are really ugly, Bette hates them a lot. Bette: Yeah, really a lot. EXT. - THE SHECTER HOME - SKOKIE, ILLINOIS - DAY [A big, conservative home surrounded by trees and landscaping. Birds are chirping. A dog barks in the distance. Jenny goes in the front door.] Jenny: (voice over) Mom? INT. - THE SHECTER HOME - DAY Sandy: Hello, darling. [Jenny goes in to the large home, takes off her coat, and goes up a set of stairs to the dining room, where her mom, Sandy Ziskin, is busy setting the table for Sabbath dinner.] Sandy: Now, we've really got to hurry, here. We've got one hour until sundown. So... here, can you take that in, and put that up there? And then I'm gonna get you to get the china down. [Jenny follows her mother to the dinner table and helps her spread out the table cloth.] Sandy: Your father wants everyone to go to shul. He says this is your last dinner here in Skokie. [Jenny starts putting the plates down on the table cloth.] Jenny: I had my last therapy session with Dr. Peretz today. Sandy: (smiling) Hmm. [Sandy walks to the other side of the table.] Sandy: You know your father's invited the Cranes for dinner. Marshall's back from MIT. He's gonna be at shul. Jenny: You know what would be really awesome, if you could please ask my step-father to stop setting me up with guys. Especially Marshall Crane. Sandy: And what's wrong with Marshall? He's a mathematical genius. Jenny: Nothing. Sandy: Hm? Jenny: Except for the fact that he's a man, and I - Sandy: Don't start, Jenny. [Sandy gives Jenny a stern look, then continues to set up the table.] Sandy: We all know you were sick. Jenny: That's not part of my (airquotes) sickness. Sandy: Oh! And is that what Dr. Peretz has been telling you? Jenny: Dr. Peretz doesn't have a problem with my sexual orientation, mom. [Sandy puts her hands on her hips then walks over to Jenny.] Sandy: (sighs) Well, uh, then I have to tell you that I think Dr. Peretz is as sick as you are. [Jenny walks off.] EXT. - EAST L.A. - STREETS - DAY [The sun is going down. We see shots of beautiful urban murals painted on the sides of buildings, depicting religious themes.] EXT. - CARMEN'S FAMILY'S HOME - EAST L.A. - DAY [We pass several two-story homes, finally arriving at a modest home surrounded by a white fence. The home is modestly decorated with potted plants and a rose bush. Carmen and Shane pull up in Shane's Jeep, Carmen driving. Shane stares at the house.] Shane: I don't know about this. Carmen: Why? What's wrong? Shane: It's too soon. Carmen: No. I'm telling you. You're gonna be fine, okay? Just - they don't think like that, alright, so all you have to do is be yourself. They are going to f*cking love you. [Shane continues to stare at the house as Carmen gets out. Carmen slams the car door, and Shane jumps. Carmen goes around to Shane's door. Shane gets out and adjusts her shirt.] Shane: Okay? Carmen: Yeah. You look beautiful. [Shane motions for Carmen to go ahead.] Carmen: Okay. INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY [Everyone's settled down and Roberta is taking notes as Bette talks. Angelica sits in Bette's lap, while Tina occupies her with a wooden spoon and a pan to bang on.] Bette: The show debuts next month at the Slate Museum. It's called "The Art of Dissent". Roberta: I see. And does a person actually get paid for something like that? Bette: Oh, well it's not a full-time job. I'm just doing it as a passion project while I'm looking for a more permanent position. Roberta: So you're unemployed. Bette: Well, just for the last six months. I mean, I've been offered several positions, but just none that I - that I passionately wanna do. [The baby continues to bang on the pan and make happy little noises, which is grating on Roberta's nerves.] Roberta: Is that absolutely necessary? Tina: What, I'm sorry? Roberta: The infant, the spoon, the banging and clanging, can you not just put it away for 15 minutes? Bette: Mama T, can you just put the - Tina: Oh, yeah. [Tina puts the pan down.] Bette: - pots and pans down. Roberta: (irritated) I meant the baby. [Bette gawks at Roberta, then hands the baby to Tina.] Bette: Why don't you just nurse her for a while? [Tina takes the baby and prepares to nurse her.] Roberta: Okay, let me just review. (reading notes) No baby-proofing. Passionately unemployed. Harbors sexually-explicit, anti-patriotic propaganda masquerading as art. What about men? Bette: Men? Tina: You do know that we're lesbians, right? Roberta: Yes. That matter was fairly explicitly touted on your petition to the state, which is all the more reason why I find the man question critical. How is Angelica going to know what a man is? Bette: (laughing) All she has to do is turn on the television, they're everywhere. Tina: Our child's going to be around a lot of men. [Tina's done feeding the baby. She sets her on her lap.] Roberta: But will there be a significant man? I mean, is she going to know one special man's voice? I mean - how is she going to know what a man feels like? [Bette curls her upper lip and looks at Tina.] Roberta: What he smells like? Will she ever... rub her cheek up against a scratchy, unshaven face? [Bette looks a little aghast as Roberta seems to drift off into a fantasy.] Roberta: Play with the... little curly hairs on his chest... or his back... [We hear a car pull up, then WHAM - a car wreck, then air hissing from a radiator. Roberta is jarred out of her fantasy.] Tina: Whoa... [Bette gets up to go look out the window, but before she even gets there, we hear Alice outside, shouting like a maniac.] Alice: (outside) Where the f*ck did that come from?! [Bette peers out the window to the driveway, where she sees Alice hurling obscenities and kicking her car - which she's crashed into Roberta's van.] Alice: (outside) sh1t, m*therf*cker! Goddammit! Jesus Christ! [Alice heads for the front door just as the front grill and bumper falls off her car.] Bette: Great. [Bette heads to the front door just as Alice comes flying through it, still shouting.] Alice: Well, Jesus f*ck! Tina: What happened? Alice: Well, I'm coming in the driveway and this big, f*cking ridiculous thing's in the way! Roberta: Ridiculous, how? Alice: Is that your car? Because you could maybe have moved it up a little. There's like ten feet in front of you. Roberta: (to Bette) Do you know

Plan: A: Six months later; Q: When does the new season start? A: Angelica; Q: What is the name of Bette and Tina's baby daughter? A: a disagreeable social worker; Q: What is the social worker like? A: their unorthodox parenting methods; Q: What does the social worker disapprove of? A: The Chart; Q: What is the name of Alice's radio show? A: Santa Monica; Q: Where is Alice hosting her radio show? A: their relationship; Q: What do Dana and Lara decide to renew? A: Helena; Q: Who decides to go into the movie business? A: Mark; Q: Who moved out of the house? A: her parents; Q: Who does Carmen want Shane to meet? A: Kit; Q: Who goes to her son David over a medical condition? A: Illinois; Q: Where is Jenny recovering from her nervous breakdown? A: Midwest life; Q: What does Jenny decide she has had enough of? A: Los Angeles; Q: Where does Jenny ponder moving back to? A: Moira ( Daniela Sea; Q: Who is Jenny's new girlfriend? Summary: Six months later. Bette and Tina, now back together, try to deal with parenting their baby daughter, Angelica, while trying to handle a disagreeable social worker who disapproves of their unorthodox parenting methods. Alice, now hosting her own radio show 'The Chart' in Santa Monica, cannot get over her breakup with Dana; it turns out that Dana's talk with Lara resulted in them sleeping together and deciding to renew their relationship, which led to Dana leaving Alice. Helena decides to go into the movie business by purchasing a small and struggling studio. With Mark having moved out of the house, Carmen has moved in and her romantic relationship with Shane gets a little more serious when Carmen wants to take Shane to meet her parents and Shane agrees to act straight. Kit goes to her son, David, over a medical condition of hers. Jenny, recovering at her parents house in Illinois from her nervous breakdown, decides that she has had enough with Midwest life and ponders moving back to Los Angeles with her new butch girlfriend, Moira ( Daniela Sea ).

SNAKEDANCE BY: CHRISTOPHER BAILEY Part Three First Air Date: 25 January 1983 Running time: 24:29 [SCENE_BREAK] CHELA: I brought you some food. DOCTOR: How long am I to be locked up here? CHELA: Do you want it? DOCTOR: Well, come on, surely at least you can tell me that? CHELA: You're to be kept here until after the ceremony this afternoon. DOCTOR: That will be too late. Whatever is to happen will happen at the ceremony. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: What about him? TEGAN: He's not important. Only the Great Crystal is important. I need the Great Crystal. LON: Well, I'll have to see what I can do. TEGAN: You must not fail me. LON: No. No, I understand. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Do you think I'm inventing all this? What would I have to gain? CHELA: I don't know. DOCTOR: But you're not sure it is all nonsense, are you. CHELA: Yes, of course I am. DOCTOR: Why did you tell me about the Crystal? CHELA: Because you're not the first. Dojjen, the Director before Ambril, he too was convinced that the Mara would return. DOCTOR: What happened to Dojjen? CHELA: It doesn't matter. The Great Crystal is safe. Ambril has charge of it. [SCENE_BREAK] TANHA: Lon, where have you been? LON: Out. TANHA: Come here. LON: Whatever for? TANHA: I want to look at you. TANHA: When I realised your room was empty, I very nearly raised the alarm, but I didn't want to embarrass you. LON: Embarrass me? TANHA: Yes, if you were out somewhere having fun. Were you? While your poor mother was stuck at the official dinner being bored into tiny pieces. I shall never forgive you. LON: No, mother, I wasn't. TANHA: Promise me. What are you hiding? LON: What? TANHA: Show me. LON: It's just a cheap fake. I picked it up at the market. TANHA: Since when have you been interested? LON: It caught my eye, that's all. TANHA: Well, then, why won't you LON: Mother, I won't have you asking questions. [SCENE_BREAK] AMBRIL: Well? CHELA: I've taken him food. AMBRIL: He should be grateful. Was there something else, Chela? CHELA: I think he's harmless. AMBRIL: Harmless? Of course the fool's harmless. CHELA: He is a doctor. AMBRIL: Doctor? Of what? I'm sure the man has no academic standing whatsoever. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): I do not want any more blankets! I want to get out of here. Tell your master I want to see him. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Nyssa! [SCENE_BREAK] LON: Give it to me. Thank you. TANHA: Where are you going? [SCENE_BREAK] AMBRIL: Look at this, Chela. CHELA: What is it? AMBRIL: The meanderings of another crank. Written by Dojjen in the months before he decided his particular line of research was best pursued up in the hills with a snake wrapped round his neck. You'll find the last entry of interest, medical interest. He addresses what remained of his wits to the question 'where is the Mara'. Well, read it. CHELA: (reading) Where the winds of restlessness blow, where the fires of greed burn, where hatred chills the blood, here in the Great Mind's Eye, here in the depths of the human heart, here is the Mara. AMBRIL: You see? CHELA: Is it a code? AMBRIL: Code? Course it's not a code. It's nonsense, pure and simple woolly minded nonsense. LON: I'm very pleased to hear it. AMBRIL: Oh, my Lord. LON: Good morning to you both. AMBRIL: Good morning. LON: I need to ask a favour. A private favour, if you don't mind. AMBRIL: Of course, why should he mind. Chela, out, out, out, out. AMBRIL: Now, my Lord, what can I do for you? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Oh, it's no use, Nyssa. I have tried. NYSSA: This is so stupid. DOCTOR: The lock is extremely primitive. It's practically a museum piece. There's no electronic impulse matrix to decode, no sonic microcircuit to disrupt. Proved mechanical six barrel movement, key operated. Primitive but adequate. Well, it's more than adequate, actually, because the key is what we don't have. NYSSA: There must be something DOCTOR: Quickly. DOCTOR: Have you come to let me out? CHELA: I've brought you this. It was written by Dojjen. Look at the last page. DOCTOR: I'd much rather you unlocked the door and let me out. CHELA: You know I can't do that. DOCTOR: Why, don't you have the key? CHELA: No, I don't. DOCTOR: Ambril, I suppose. CHELA: What? DOCTOR: Has the key in his room. CHELA: Yes, I suppose so. What are you talking about? I thought you might be interested, but DOCTOR: No, wait, wait. Of course I'm interested. The last page, you say? [SCENE_BREAK] AMBRIL: My Lord, I am bound by an oath. An oath I had to swear on taking office. An oath dating back to the time of the destruction of the Mara. LON: But you do know where the Crystal is. AMBRIL: Oh, my Lord, not even the Federator himself may see the Great Crystal, though I am gratified by your awakened interest. LON: Well, you know how it is. With time on one's hands, one pokes around. LON: Surprising, really, what one can turn up. AMBRIL: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELA: Well? DOCTOR: It's a reference to the Great Mind's Eye. CHELA: And it was the last thing Dojjen wrote before he DOCTOR: Before he what? CHELA: Now give it back to me. DOCTOR: Before he what? CHELA: Before he danced the Dance of the Snake. [SCENE_BREAK] AMBRIL: Where did you find it? Oh, my Lord, I'm sorry, but you understand what a discovery like this means to me. LON: Is it valuable? AMBRIL: Beyond price. LON: And rare? AMBRIL: It's unique, my Lord. LON: How strange. As far as I could see, they did seem to be scattered around rather. AMBRIL: Scattered? They? How many? LON: I didn't count them. AMBRIL: Many, though? Many? Lots? My Lord, tell me! LON: Perhaps you'd like me to show you where they are. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELA: The Snake Dance was banned by the Federation nearly a hundred years ago. DOCTOR: Why, what was the function of the Dance? CHELA: Well, according to the Legend, the Mara's return may only be resisted by those of perfectly clear mind. The Dance was a dance of purification in readiness for the return. However, the Federation held that the Mara no longer existed. That's why they drove the Snake Dancers into the hills. Oh, apparently it involved the use of certain powers. DOCTOR: What kind of powers? CHELA: Mental powers, easily misunderstood. DOCTOR: Yes, of course. [SCENE_BREAK] TANHA: What do you think you're doing? [SCENE_BREAK] PUNCH: That's the way to do it! JUDY: He struck me! JUDY: Don't care. Was made to care. PUNCH: Wake up, Judy. CROWD: Aw. PUNCH: Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. [SCENE_BREAK] TANHA: Where is Ambril? He should be here. I am really not sure what to do with you. It is hardly a situation one meets. Ah. TANHA: I think perhaps you had better come with me. Isn't that what one usually says in this kind of situation. [SCENE_BREAK] PUNCH: Oh, I've been naughty. LON: Just what we need. AMBRIL: My Lord? LON: Wait here. PUNCH: What is it? Go away, go away. PUNCH: Go away, go away. LON: Right. AMBRIL: What are they for, my Lord. LON: We must be equipped. AMBRIL: Where are we going? LON: Just you wait and see. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: So, Dojjen believed the legend of the Mara to such an extent that he gave up everything, went up into the hills to purify himself in readiness. CHELA: Doctor, nobody these days believe in legends. CHELA: My Lady. TANHA: Bring her in. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: Ahem. AMBRIL: In there? Oh no, it's impossible, my Lord. All the passages have been thoroughly explored over the years. LON: Come on. No, wait. We may as well do this properly. AMBRIL: What's that? LON: A blindfold. AMBRIL: No, certainly not. LON: You don't have to. It all depends on how badly you want the honour of having made this discovery on your own. AMBRIL: You'd allow me to take the credit? LON: Certainly. It's up to you. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: What are we going to do? DOCTOR: Shush. NYSSA: Doctor! DOCTOR: What do you suggest? NYSSA: We've got to get out of here. DOCTOR: How? NYSSA: If only we still had the sonic screwdriver. DOCTOR: Well, we haven't, so for the time being we must make use of what we do have. NYSSA: What. DOCTOR: This. [SCENE_BREAK] TANHA: I was actually looking for my son. CHELA: Oh, he was here, my Lady. He had something to discuss with the Director. TANHA: Did he? How very odd. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: And another three steps. That's it. Now forwards. Wait there. AMBRIL: What is it? LON: Don't worry, it's all right. Now, over the step, and stop. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: You've done splendidly. AMBRIL: Where are we? LON: Where do you think? AMBRIL: We're there? LON: You can take off your blindfold now. Look. I trust you're not disappointed? AMBRIL: Not disappointed, my Lord. LON: So it was all worth it, then? AMBRIL: Oh, my Lord, the existence of these objects is entirely unsuspected. Oh, my Lord, this is genuine. It's amazing. This is the greatest hoard of all HAWKER: Entertainment. Children half price. Step this way please for the spectacle of a lifetime. Tread the mystic corridors of time to visit the dark and distant shores of the imagination. AMBRIL: What is this place? TEGAN: Silence! Stop wasting time. Where is the Great Crystal? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Well? NYSSA: Doctor, what exactly are you asking me? DOCTOR: This is a record of a journey, a private mental journey. Now, he must have discovered something that finally decided him. NYSSA: To do with what? DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know. The Mara, the history of the planet, the origins of this crystal. NYSSA: To function as they do, the crystals must possess a perfect molecular structure tuned to the exact wavelengths of the human mind. Doctor, the crystal is man made! DOCTOR: What? [SCENE_BREAK] AMBRIL: It's all a hoax, isn't it, my Lord? This is just a prank at my expense. These are friends of yours, aren't they? It's just an elaborate hoax, isn't it? LON: And these? AMBRIL: These? LON: Are they a hoax? After all, you're the expert. AMBRIL: No! TEGAN: Where is the Great Crystal? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Yes, of course, I should have realised. Structurally perfect. It has to be free of all flaws and distortions. Even the minute distortions produced by the effects of gravity. NYSSA: What are you saying? DOCTOR: The crystals were designed and built by a people who had mastered the techniques of molecular engineering in a zero gravity environment. NYSSA: But the Manussans are not that advanced. DOCTOR: No, and according to Chela this crystal is eight hundred years old. [SCENE_BREAK] AMBRIL: No! Why is everyone suddenly interested in the Great Crystal? LON: Everyone? TEGAN: Who else? AMBRIL: Some crank. TEGAN: His name? AMBRIL: He calls himself the Doctor, although personally I rather doubt it. TEGAN: The Doctor must not interfere. He must be killed. AMBRIL: Killed? LON: Take no notice. My friend has a theory, and in order to test it the Great Crystal must be placed in its socket during the ceremony. AMBRIL: No, it's quite impossible. TEGAN: Nothing is impossible. AMBRIL: Please, my Lord. LON: Now listen to me. If you don't cooperate, I promise you you'll never set eyes on any of these trinkets ever again. You'll always know that they existed somewhere, that you discovered them once, held them in your hands once, and then lost them forever. It's up to you. AMBRIL: Oh! No! Wait! All right, I agree. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: But there would be records. A people eight hundred years ago capable of molecular engineering? DOCTOR: Not necessarily. I suspect that when they built the Great Crystal they overlooked one vital factor. The nature of the mental energy would determine the nature of the matter created. The Great Crystal absorbed what was in their minds. The restlessness, the hatred, the greed. Absorbed it, amplified it, reflected it. NYSSA: And created the Mara. DOCTOR: Indeed. And in the reign of evil which followed they must have forgotten the most important thing of all, that the Mara was something they themselves had blindly brought into being. [SCENE_BREAK] AMBRIL: Where are they? LON: They're quite safe. If you cooperate, you can discover them again after the ceremony. AMBRIL: Your friend? LON: She's looking after them for you. Come on. You can discover them again after the ceremony. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: But if Dojjen had worked out what had happened DOCTOR: Only some of it. The rest he must have learned from the Snake Dancers who kept the knowledge alive, hidden in traditions and legends. NYSSA: And if he became convinced that the Mara would return DOCTOR: He didn't know exactly when, and nobody would listen, just as no one will listen to us. NYSSA: Then why didn't he simply destroy the Great Crystal when it was in his charge? DOCTOR: Good question. I don't know. NYSSA: And in the meantime? DOCTOR: We wait. [SCENE_BREAK] TANHA: It is difficult for him, isn't it. He is young, impatient. He knows that one day he will be Federator and rule over the three worlds. My husband is an old man, but he is lingering on rather. He could live for years, and so my son must wait. The young do not like to wait, do they. As a rule. You may speak freely. Strictly between ourselves. TANHA: Lon! Where've you been? LON: Nowhere, Mother. Just exploring. LON: Ambril has been showing me around, haven't you. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Patience. NYSSA: How can you be so calm? What if Chela doesn't help? DOCTOR: I think he will. NYSSA: You can't be certain. DOCTOR: No. NYSSA: And meanwhile the Mara could destroy Tegan. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: My fault, I'm afraid. I did rather insist, and he's got a little dusty in the process. Ambril has an announcement to make. AMBRIL: Do I? LON: Yes, you do. AMBRIL: Oh. Oh yes. In honour of the special esteem, esteem LON: Ceremony. AMBRIL: Yes, in the ceremony this afternoon Lon, the son of the present Federator, will play the part of his illustrious ancestor who five hundred years ago defeated the Mara and founded the Federation. In honour of this special occasion, the Great Crystal, the Great Mind's Eye, will for the first time be inserted into its rightful place CHELA: No! LON: Oh? Will that be difficult? I know sometimes these last minutes changes of plan CHELA: Director, it is expressly forbidden. AMBRIL: Superstition, just foolish superstition. LON: It's my fault, I'm afraid. You see, it was my idea. CHELA: My Lord. LON: Mother, do you have any objection? AMBRIL: Those are my instructions and I will have them obeyed to the letter. LON: Then fetch the Great Crystal, would you? AMBRIL: Now? LON: Yes, why not? We may as well have a look at it. LON: Well, I think a drink while we're waiting. Will you join us? CHELA: Er, no, my Lord. I'm afraid I have other duties. LON: Of course. Highly commendable. You mustn't neglect your duties. TANHA: Lon, will you please tell me what is going on? LON: Of course, Mother, I'd be only too pleased. CHELA: Excuse me, my Lord, my Lady. LON: What was on the table? He picked something up off the table. What was it? [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Well, showman, do you still dream of my success? Perhaps you do. After all, you have no choice. You have got to look. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Well done! CHELA: Quiet, there's no time. DOCTOR: What made you change your mind? CHELA: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] TANHA: Are you sure? He seemed such a pleasant young man. LON: He's taken the key. That proves he's involved. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELA: We must get out of the building at once. NYSSA: And back to the TARDIS? DOCTOR: You're forgetting Tegan. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: I want all the entrances sealed. They must not escape. TANHA: Oh, Lon, I really do feel LON: Mother, do you expect me to allow those who plot my death to go free? TANHA: Your death? LON: Isn't it obvious? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Back the way we came. DOCTOR: All right, all right, we give in. LON: Give in? You talk as though you had a choice. Kill them.

Plan: A: the Great Crystal; Q: What is the name of the crystal? A: prison; Q: Where does the Doctor find himself? A: Nyssa; Q: Who helps the Doctor escape from prison? A: Chela; Q: Who tells the Doctor about Dojjen? A: Dojjen's journal; Q: What does Chela give the Doctor? Summary: Possessed Tegan and Lon try to find the location of the Great Crystal. The Doctor finds himself in prison with only Nyssa to get him out while Chela tells the Doctor about Dojjen and gives him Dojjen's journal.

SCENE: Neverland. Past. On the Jolly Roger, Captain Hook is looking at a picture of Milah when one of his crew mates, William Smee, approaches. [SCENE_BREAK] Smee: Milah was quite beautiful, wasn't she? Don't worry, Captain. You'll avenge her. No matter what it takes, I know you'll find a way to kill Rumplestiltskin. Hook: Mr. Smee, what news of today's catch? The boy we yanked from the sea. Smee: He's still asleep. A bit waterlogged and smells of catfish, but he'll live. Hook: Where do you suppose he came from? There aren't many other ships in this area, and his clothes are certainly not of this land. Smee: What if the boy belongs to him? The ones he kidnaps from the other world. I'd bet my rations on it. Hook: Indeed. But could we be so lucky? Smee: Lucky? He'll be looking for us. He knows this land better than we do. Hook: Mr. Smee, are you not a connoisseur of rare and valuable objects? If we return the boy to him, it could be the very key to our survival in Neverland. (Scene shifts to another part of the ship, where Baelfire is.) Hook: Ahoy there. Aren't you lucky to be alive. Baelfire: Lucky? I'm a prisoner of pirates in a land cursed with magic. Hook: Well, most children think they've found paradise when they lay their eyes on Neverland's magic. Why else leave home in the first place? Baelfire: I came so a family I loved could live. Hook: Well, aren't you quite the hero? Baelfire: What would you know about that? Pirate. Hook: A pirate saved your scrawny bones from the curse of the mermaids. Baelfire: A pirate killed my mother and tore apart my family. Hook: What about your father? Baelfire: He left me. He's a coward. Hook: What's your name, boy? Baelfire: I don't have to answer you. Hook: Ooh. But I can make you. But to prove to you that not all pirates are as you fear, I'll simply ask again- what's your name? Baelfire: Baelfire. Hook: Welcome aboard, Baelfire. It's a pirate's life for you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: A park in Storybrooke. Present. Henry is on a swing while Granny supervises. Mr. Gold watches Henry from a distance, and notices that should the rope of the swing break, his grandson would be killed by sharp rocks nearby. Mr. Gold begins to magically destroy the rope when Emma, Mary Margaret, and David arrive in David's car. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Gold. What are you doing here? Mr. Gold: Well, my son made it clear I'm to stay away from him, so I'm spending some time with my grandson instead. Mary Margaret: (To Emma) Emma, it's okay. Why don't you talk to Henry, and we'll handle this. (Emma walks over to do so.) Henry: Emma. Emma: Henry, hey. Mary Margaret: Mr. Gold, we have some news to share with you, and it's not good. Mr. Gold: Not interested. David: It's about your son. Mr. Gold: Yeah, what about him. David: Tamara shot him. Mr. Gold: What? He's dead? David: They used a bean to open a portal. Neal was hurt so badly that he fell through. He's gone. Mr. Gold: Bae wasn't supposed to die. David: Greg and Tamara-they took something from Regina-a magical trigger. A fail-safe in the curse that could destroy Storybrooke. Mary Margaret: Of they activate it, it's a self-destruct. Everyone not born in this world will die. David: I know this is hard, but we need your help. Mr. Gold: No. David: They killed your son in cold blood, and you don't wanna stop them? Mr. Gold: They didn't kill my son. I did. I brought magic to this world to find Bae, and now he's dead. Magic always has a price, and this-this is it. But I'm prepared to pay it. Mary Margaret: But... We'll die. You'll die! Mr. Gold: Well, I've made my peace with that. (He walks away, to Mary Margaret and David's shock.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Storybrooke Mines. Present. Tamara, Hook, and Greg Mendell are travelling through the mines. [SCENE_BREAK] Greg: It's just ahead. Hook: Are you sure whoever's in charge of you doesn't want you guys to die in a mine collapse? Tamara: Just keep moving. Hook: Who is telling you what to do? Greg: You know what? That's not your concern. It's not ours, either. Hook: Not your concern. So you're telling me you don't know who commands you? Tamara: (Sighs) Unlike you, Hook, we believe in something. We have faith in the sacredness of our cause. Greg: We're here. (Takes one of the dwarves' axes) Hook: So your sacred cause is pilfering a dwarf's pickax? Tamara: Regina had this (takes out a brown diamond) in her pocket when you handed her over to us. Greg: It's a trigger, and this ax, according to our people, is what activates it. Hook: You're going to destroy an entire town, and kill everyone in it.... Greg: Yeah, including your enemy. Hook: Rumplestiltskin won't be immune to this? Tamara: None of your kind will be. Once this thing gets turned activated, nothing can shut it off. Greg: This whole town will revert to the forest it was. So tell us, Hook. We're willing to die for our cause. Are you willing to die for yours? Hook: Absolutely. (Greg presses the ax down on the diamond, causing it to levitate, and give off a blue glow. The three exit. At that moment, the destruction of Storybrooke begins and vines begin to encase the Storybrooke Clock Tower.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Mary Margaret's Apartment. Present. Regina pacing the room when David, Henry, Emma and Mary Margaret enter. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: Henry! Henry: Mom! (They embrace, when out of the blue an earthquake occurs and shakes the entire apartment.) Emma: Regina, was that.. Regina: Yes. The diamond was activated. Henry: So we're all gonna die. Regina: You were born here, so you'll live. Henry: But.. I'll be alone. Regina: I'm so sorry. Emma: It's not gonna happen, I'm not gonna let it. (To Regina) You did this, now make it stop. Regina: I can't, there's no way. Emma: WELL, FIGURE IT OUT! It's your fault! Henry: STOP! I already lost my dad. I don't wanna lose anybody else. We have to work together. (While he is talking, Hook enters, unseen by everyone else.) Hook: From the mouths of babes, I'd say the lad has a point. (David doesn't waste a moment and punches him in the face.) David: That was for the last time we met. Hook: (mutters) Bloody hell. David: (Draws his gun) Tell us why you're here before I use something other than my fist. Hook: I think threatening to kill me seems a bit redundant when we're all about to die anyway. Emma: No thanks to you. Regina just told us you were working with Tamara and Greg to get your revenge. Hook: Well, that was before they told me I had to die to get it. Emma: We don't have time for this. We have a real problem. Hook: Which is why I'm here, 'cause staring death in the face has made me realize if there's one thing I want more than my revenge, it's my life. So should we start this thing now, and then resume bickering? Regina: There is no stopping it. And the best thing I can do is slow it down, but that will only delay the inevitable. David: It'll give us the time we need. Mary Margaret: The time for what? David: Steal back the beans. Use them to get everyone into the Enchanted Forest before Storybrooke is gone. Emma: How? We don't even know where Greg and Tamara are. Hook: Well, I do. I can help. Emma: Help yourself. You'll take them and leave us all behind. Why should we trust you? David: No, we won't have to. I'll go with him, and if he tries anything, I'll shoot him in the face. Hook: Quite hostile, aren't we? David: Just being clear. Emma: I'll take Regina to slow down the diamond, give you guys time. Mary Margaret, take Henry, and gather everyone. Make sure they're ready to go as soon as we have those beans. (Mary Margaret and Henry begin to exit.) Regina: Henry, before you go, I'm sorry for what's happened. I tried to be the person that you wanted me to be and I failed. But I won't let you be alone. You just know that I love you. Henry: I love you, too. (They embrace, and then they go their separate ways.) Hook: The things we do for our children... [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Past. A rowboat of teenage boys jump aboard the Jolly Roger, and Smee is terrified. [SCENE_BREAK] Smee: Captain, we have to give them the boy. They've killed for less. The sooner we give them what they want, the sooner they leave us alone. Hook: No, I can't part with him now, not when I know he's the Dark One's son. It can't be chance that brought him here. Providence must be at work. He is the key to my revenge. I won't lose him. (While he is talking, the boys from the rowboats, cloaked, ruthless-looking boys arrive on deck, led by particularly terrifying Felix. Felix: Do you know who we are? Hook: You're the Lost Ones. You work for him. Felix: We're looking for a boy that was seen adrift nearby. A boy he has a particular interest in. Hook: Then I'm afraid I'll have to send you away disappointed. As you can see, we're only men here. Felix: Then you won't mind if we search your ship. Hook: Be my guest. (Scene shifts to below deck. The Lost Ones search all over, and one comes close to finding Baelfire, but to no prevail.) Hook: Told you. No one here but me crew. Felix: You're new to this land, which means I should warn you. Do you know what he does to people who lie to him? Hook: No. But I gather it hurts. Felix: It does. He rips your shadow right from your body. R-r-r-r-rip. If you find him, you know who he belongs to. Good-bye, Captain. (He exits with the rest of the Lost Ones, and Hook lifts the hatch on where Baelfire was hiding.) Baelfire: I thought pirates only cared about themselves. Hook: Well, you've a lot to learn, boy. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Mr. Gold's pawnshop. Present. The dwarves are looking for something in the shop when Mr. Gold comes out from the back room. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: A sure sign of impending doom. Looters. Leroy: (Picks up a decorated drinking stein) It ain't looting if the stuff you find's already yours. We need Sneezy's drinking stein. We can bring his memories back. Mr. Gold: Oh, can you? Leroy: Mother Superior finally figured it out. He needs to drink this (Shows Mr. Gold a small bottle containing a blue liquid) out of his old stein-something important to him. Mr. Gold: So she found the solution to the memory problem? Today? In the nick of time before we all die? Mr. Clark: Die? Who's dying? Leroy: She's been working on it all along. Then when she had to transform August back to Pinocchio, she found the ingredient she needed-a hair from Pinocchio's head. Someone who returned to who he should be. Someone who wasn't cursed. Mr. Gold: So you're gonna wake your friend up, to tell him he's about to die? Mr. Clark: I don't want that! Leroy: Shut it, Clark! He wants to know who he is and be with his family, no matter how much time he has left. Mr. Clark: Not if I'm gonna die! Leroy: Take him back to Granny's. We'll do it there. (The others begin to do so, while a very confused Mr. Clark protests and Leroy stays behind.) Mr. Clark: Hey! Hey guys, if I don't have a family, will I still die? Leroy: I asked her to make a second dose. This is for you. (Hands him an identical bottle) Mr. Gold: Well, what am I supposed to do with that. Leroy: Belle once helped remind me who I was. I've never forgotten. I wanna return to favor. Don't let her die as Lacey. (He exits, and Lacey comes out from the backroom.) Lacey: What was all that about? Mr. Gold: Oh, it was nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Behind the building for the Storybrooke Cannery Co. Present. Greg dumps an accordion file of papers into a trash can fire, tosses to envelope, and then runs, just as David and Hook pull up. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Over there. David: Let's go, (Another earthquake occurs; this one even louder.) Hook: Time's running out. David: (Sarcastically) Oh, is that what that means? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Past. Hook is navigating the ship when Baelfire enters. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Your sea legs aren't bad for a landlubber. Baelfire: Yeah. But I still get queasy. Hook: Oh, it'll pass. Just think of yourself as an extension of the ship. Do you care to try a hand at the helm? Baelfire: I know nothing of sailing. Hook: Oh, once you get your bearings, it's easy as pie. (Etches into the wood of the ship with his hook.) The left side is called port and the right slide is called starboard. Now, go two notches to port. (Baelfire does.) Well done, mate. You were born with the sea in your blood. Baelfire: Thanks. Hook: You spoke of your mother's fate. But your father-what became of him? You say he left you? Baelfire: It's a long story. Hook: It's one that I know well. When I was a boy, my father and I boarded a ship with plans to travel the realms. One morning, I awoke, and her was gone. Turned out, he was a fugitive. He had fled in the middle of the night to avoid capture. Baelfire: He abandoned you? Hook: Aye. That he did. Baelfire: If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell the crew? They may become frightened. My father-the reason I don't speak of him is because... he's the Dark One. He once was a man, but when I got drafted to the Ogre Wars, he wanted to protect me. So he went in search of the Dark One's dagger. And once he got it, he grew obsessed with the power it gave him. Hook: He draws his power from a dagger? Baelfire: Yes. It's the only weapon that can kill him. And the only thing he truly cares about anymore. He chose it over me. My papa abandoned me, too. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Inside the Storybrooke Cannery. Present. David and Hook walk through on looking for Greg, Tamara and the beans. [SCENE_BREAK] David: So, tell me, Hook, all this time, it's been about revenge for you. Why is it suddenly so important that you survive? I know what I'm fighting for-my family. What are you fighting for? Hook: Myself. That's plenty of motivation, I can assure you. (The scene shifts to another part of the cannery, when the men hear a noise in the distance.) David: (lowered voice) Quiet. (Takes out his gun, just as Greg approaches.) The beans. Give them to me. Greg: (Takes out a small jar of the beans.) You mean these? (Tamara appears and shoots David's gun out of his hand. A fight breaks out between the four. While David chases after Tamara, Hook and Greg wrestle for the last of the beans. In the end, Greg escapes, and catches up with Tamara, cornered by David. She attempts to shoot David, but Greg stops her.) No, we got what we need. (They run off. David attempts to chase after them, but Hook grabs him, preventing him from doing so.) David: What are you doing? They've got the beans! Hook: Not all of them. I snagged one. (Shows the bean to David) David: Where are the rest? Hook: Who cares? All we need is one. (David attempts to run after them again.) Hey! Live to fight another day, mate! David: I'm not you mate. (Takes the bean and puts it in his own pocket) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The mines below Storybrooke. Present. Emma and Regina are on their way to where the trigger is located. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: I can feel it. It's like the oxygen's being sucked out of the air. Regina: Not the oxygen. The magic. (The two women arrive at where the trigger is.) There it is. Once it stops glowing, it's destruction is achieved. And then... Well, then we'll see the real carnage. I'll try to contain its energy as long as I can. Emma: Won't be long. We'll have the beans soon. We can get the hell out of here. Regina: Slowing the device... It's going to require all of the strength I have. Emma: You're not coming with us, are you? When you said good-bye to Henry, you were... saying good-bye. Regina: He knows I love him, doesn't he? Emma: Regina, no. There has gotta be another way! Regina: You were right, you know. Everything that's happening, it's my fault. I created this device. It's only fitting that it takes my life. Emma: What am I supposed to tell Henry? Regina: Tell him that in the end, it wasn't too late for me to do the right thing. Emma: Regina, please... Regina: Everyone looks at me as the Evil Queen, including my son. Let me die as Regina. (Emma begins to exit, but then turns around for one final plea.) Emma: Regina-(Regina ignores her, and has already begun slowing the trigger.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The pawnshop. Present. As the exterior of the shop is overrun with vine plants, Mr. Gold is pouring a drink for himself and Lacey. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: To the end of the world. (Lacey hesitates) Come on, it'll help numb it. Lacey: I, uh, I'll drink to that. (Reaches for her cup, but spills it) Oh. I--I'm so sorry. Uh, here. I got it. (Grabs Baelfire's shawl and begins cleaning up the wine) Mr. Gold: Stop! Stop! Put that down! Lacey: It's just an old rag. Mr. Gold: (Snatches the shawl) It belonged to someone very important. You wouldn't understand. Lacey: I said I'm sorry. (Mr. Gold realizes what must be done, and walks over to a cabinet, picks up the remains of the chipped teacup, and magically repairs it.) That cup again. What is it? Mr. Gold: It's something from my past. From our past. And I'm sorry. Let's not fight. (Pour the potion Leroy gave him into the cup, and gives it to Lacey. She sips, and regains her memories as Belle.) Mr. Gold: (Fighting back tears) Belle. Belle: (Crying) Rumple. (They embrace and kiss) Mr. Gold: I'm so sorry. I didn't wanna wake you up to die. But I needed you. Belle: You lost your son. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Mr. Gold: I've failed. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Granny's Diner. Present. The entire population of Storybrooke is gathered inside when David and Hook arrive with the bean. [SCENE_BREAK] David: We have the beans. Emma: You did it? David: Yeah. Emma: (Notices an injury on David's arm) You okay? David: Oh, it's... grazed. It's fine. Emma: Okay. Let's get going. Henry? Henry: Wh-where's my mom? Emma: Regina can hold off the self-destruct device long enough for us to escape, but... Henry: But what? Emma: She won't survive. Henry: No. No. Emma: Henry, I'm sorry. I promised her I'd get you to safety. Henry: But we can't do this! She's family! We don't leave family behind! Emma: This is what she wants. We have a ways out. We have to take it. Henry: We saved her from from being killed by the Wraith. How is this any different? Mary Margaret: The Wraith! Emma: What? Mary Margaret: We sent it through a portal. Why can't we do the same thing with the self-destruct? Emma: Because we don't know if it's gonna work. Mary Margaret: It could. David: Yeah. Emma: It's too risky. No one will go along with it. Archie: Yes, we will. Because it's the right thing to do. Look, Snow White and the Prince have always led us before, and we've always won. So, who's willing to let them lead us again? (Everyone agrees) Mary Margaret: Thank you, Archie. (To Emma) This is what we should do. David: And will do. Mary Margaret: Look, I know we haven't had a lot of chances to be parents, but give us this one. Let us do the right thing. It's not to late. Emma: (Embracing Henry) I just don't want him to be alone. I don't want him to grow up the way I did. (A loud boom, and then another earthquake occurs, the largest one yet) This plan could fail. If we use that bean now, we can get away for sure. We will survive. Mary Margaret: But it's wrong. Emma, I killed her mother. Emma: You did that to Cora because you had to. Mary Margaret: I did it because it was easy. It was a mistake. There were other paths, harder paths, and I wish I had taken them. So please, Emma, honey, let's take the hard path. Because if we don't we will be building a future on Regina's blood. Emma: (Hesitates a moment, then:) Okay. (David tosses her the bean, but it is intercepted by Hook. Hook: You're all mad. (Emma and David attempt to grab it back.) I can live with myself. Emma: Give it back. Hook: If she wants to die for us, I say let her. Emma: We understand each other. Look out for yourself, and you'll never get hurt, right? Hook: Worked quite well for me. Emma: Yeah, until the day that it doesn't. We're gonna do this. It might be stupid, it might be crazy, but we're doing it. So, you can join us and be a part of something, or you can do what you can do best, and be alone. Hook: (Hands her the pouch containing the bean) Quite passionate, Swan. (Everyone begins to leave.) So, why are you really doing this? Emma: The kid just lost his father today. I'm not letting him lose a mother too. Hook: His father? Who's Henry's father? Emma: Neal. Hook: Baelfire? Emma: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Past. [SCENE_BREAK] Smee: Captain, why is Baelfire still aboard the Jolly Roger?! The boy has given you a path to revenge, but you can't walk that path if you're dead! Hook: Careful, Mr. Smee. Smee: Captain, you know quite well that he is after the boy. If you don't surrender Baelfire to him, the lost ones will take him anyway and kill you. Hook: I'M THE CAPTAIN! I GIVE THE ORDERS! AND ANYONE WHO DISOBEYS CAN WALK THE PLANK AND PRAY THAT THE MERMAIDS TAKE PITY ON HIS SOUL! (Baelfire appears, carrying a sword and the picture of Milah.) Baelfire: Face me, villain! Hook: Whoa! What's this about, Bae? Baelfire: I found this- (Holds up Milah's picture) -on your desk. It's my mother. How'd you get it? Hook: Bae- Baelfire: HOW?! (Swings the sword, Hook ducks) You're the pirate that killed her! Hook: I didn't kill your mother. We fell in love, and we ran off together. Your father lied to you. He was too much of a coward to tell you the truth. He tore out her heart and crushed it in front of me. And I've spent every moment since then wanting revenge. Baelfire: She abandoned me? Hook: Not a single day went past where your mother didn't regret leaving you, Baelfire. We talked about going back for you when you were old enough. Perhaps fate brought us together to make good on those plans. We can live the life that Milah wanted for us, as a family. Baelfire: No! Stay back! You used me! You wanted to kill my father! Hook: Yes. I did. Baelfire: You tore apart my family, as sure as if you ripped her heart out yourself. Hook: Bae, don't. Baelfire: Take me back to my real family-the Darlings. Hook: Uh, I can't. It's noot possible to leave Neverland. But you can star here, Under my protection. Baelfire: I'd rather fend for myself than be with you. I want off this ship, pirate. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Storybrooke Mines. Present. Regina is slowing down the trigger when David, Emma, Henry and Mary Margaret enter. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: What are you doing here? Henry: You were willing to die to save us. That makes you a hero. Now we're gonna be heroes. David: They're gonna open up a portal, throw this thing into a void. Regina: No. You don't know that it'll work. Mary Margaret: We have to try. David: Everybody, step aside. Emma? Emma: (Pulls out the pouch containing the bean, opens it up, and finds:) It's empty. Hook. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke Harbor. Present. Hook has the bean, and prepares to throw it into the sea. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Past. Nighttime. The Jolly Roger is headed for the island to drop off Baelfire. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Eager to go, I see. Baelfire: Just drop me off anywhere. Hook: You really think you can survive on you own? Baelfire: I've never been given the choice. Hook: Well, you have one now. Baelfire: Anywhere will do. Hook: I get you're angry. But it doesn't have to end like this. The ship can be your home, your family. Just say the word. It's not too late start over. I can change, Bae, for you. Baelfire: You say that. I know you'll never change. Because all you care about is yourself. Hook: Thank you.. For reminding me what I'm all about-killing your father! (The lost ones appear and put Baelfire in their boat.) Baelfire: You're not letting me go. Hook: How would that help me? Baelfire: You hated my father so much, you didn't even realize you were just like him! Hook: (To Felix) You have the boy. He will be pleased? (The Lost Ones put a bag over Baelfire and row off. Hook goes over to where he etched in port and starboard to teach Baelfire, and scratches it out with his hook.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke Harbor. Present. Hook motions to throw the bean into the sea when he eyes the scratched out port and starboard, and stops himself. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present. As the townspeople are running in terror as the town grows more overridden with plants, Emma, David, Henry, Mary Margaret and Regina are still down in the mines. The truth is now unavoidable--this is the end. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: I can't contain this much longer. Emma: (Goes over Mary Margaret and David) Mom... Dad... (They embrace tearfully, and Henry goes over to Regina.) Regina: I love you, Henry. I only wish I was strong enough to stop all this. I'm just not. Emma: (Small gasp in realization, then goes over to Henry and Regina.) You may not be strong enough, but maybe we are. (As Henry, Mary Margaret and David stand back, the two women combine their magic and successfully diffuse the trigger, saving the town, but also knocking themselves out in the process. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The pawnshop. Present. Mr. Gold steps outside and watches as the trees and leaves seize to exist. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Storybrooke Mines. Present. Everyone is slowly getting to their feet. [SCENE_BREAK] David: We're alive! (Helps Mary Margaret to her feet.) Mary Margaret: Emma? (Helps Emma to her feet, as Regina goes over and picks up the now diffused trigger.) Emma: We did it. Regina: Yes, we did David: Gotta hand it to Henry. He's right about a lot of things. Emma: Yes, he is. Isn't that right, kid? (Turns around, no Henry.) Henry? Regina: Henry? (The scene shifts as the four of them explore the mines for where Henry may have gone.) Emma: Henry? (Sees something and runs ahead.) Mary Margaret: Emma, what is it? (We can see the object now--Henry's backpack.) Emma: They took him. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present. Outside the cannery as Greg and Tamara make their getaway, and surely enough, they are taking Henry with them. [SCENE_BREAK] Tamara: Relax, kid. We're not gonna hurt you. Henry: Just everyone I love. You tried to blow up Storybrooke! Tamara: True, but that was never the point. Henry: It wasn't? Greg: We came here to destroy magic, Henry, but then we found something more important, something that changed everything-you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Near the Storybrooke docks. Present. Emma, David, Regina, and Mary Margaret are chasing down Greg and Tamara. [SCENE_BREAK] Mary Margaret: Emma, you don't even know where you're going. Emma: Doesn't matter. I have to find him. I'll track them down in hell if I have to. (They catch up to Greg and Tamara, but it is too late-Greg opens up a portal the second he notices the four of them.) Regina: The last bean. They've opened a portal. Emma: Henry! David: Henry! (Greg and Tamara leap through the portal with Henry in tow.) Emma: No! No! No! We have to follow them! There has to be a way! Regina: Not only do we not know where they went, but Hook stole the last bean! Emma: I don't care! Regina: Without it, there's no way to follow. Emma: There has to be. We can't just let the, take Henry! (While they were talking, Mr. Gold and Belle entered.) Mr. Gold: They've taken Henry? David: Yeah. You're the Dark One. Do something. Emma: Gold, help us. Mr. Gold: There's no way. I spent a lifetime trying to cross worlds to find my son. There's no way in this world without a portal. Regina: So that's it? He's gone forever? I refuse to believe that. Belle: (Spots something in the distance) What is that? (She has spotted the Jolly Roger, and it is on its way to the docks.) Emma: Hook. (Scene shifts to the Jolly Roger) What the hell are you doing here? Hook: Helping. Regina: Well, you're too late. Hook: Am I? Emma: I thought you didn't care about anyone but yourself. Hook: (Holds out the bean and hands it to Emma) Maybe I just needed reminding that I could. Regina: Enough waiting around, let's go. Hook: Go? Where? I thought we were saving the town. David: We already did. Emma: We need to get Henry. Greg and Tamara took him through a portal. Hook: Well, I offer my ship and my services to help follow them. Regina: Well that's great, Hook, but how do we track them? Mr. Gold: Leave that to me. I can get us to where we need to go. Mary Margaret: Well, let's do it. Mr. Gold: Belle, I have to go. You have to stay here. Belle: No. Why? I wanna help. Mr. Gold: The town is no longer safe. Belle: What? David: What? Mr. Gold: Well, Greg and Tamara weren't working alone. Others will follow. David: No. We can't leave people in danger. Mr. Gold: (Takes out a small sheet of paper, hands it to Belle) After we've gone, follow these instructions. It's a cloaking spell. It'll shield the town, making it impossible for anyone to find. Belle: Then how will you find your way back to me? (Silence.) You're not coming back, are you? Mr. Gold: The prophecy. The boy is my undoing, but he's also my grandson. I must save him. I must do this to honor Baelfire. He's gone, and I didn't even get the chance to say good-bye. Belle: I understand, but I also know that the future isn't always what it seems. I will see you again. (They kiss, then tearfully begin to go their separate ways.) Baelfire would be very proud of you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: A beach in an unidentified realm. Present. A man's unconscious body lies on the ground when three figures approach. As the camera pans upward, the figures are revealed to be Aurora, Mulan and Prince Phillip. [SCENE_BREAK] Phillip: Who is he? Aurora: I don't know. Phillip: Is he alive? Aurora: (Feels for a pulse.) Barely. We have to get him help. Phillip: Help me get him up. (The unconscious man's face is now visible-the mysterious man is Neal.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Aboard the Jolly Roger. Present. Hook and Mr. Gold are standing face to face. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: So, are you done trying to kill me. Hook: I believe so. Mr. Gold: Excellent. Then you can live. (Magically summons the Magic Globe, pricks his finger, and a map of a strange island appears) Regina: Where is that? Where did they take Henry? Hook: Neverland. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Past. The Lost Ones arrive on the island shores and show Baelfire to another one of the Lost Ones. [SCENE_BREAK] Felix: Is it the boy? The one that he wants? (The other Lost One examines Baelfire, then a piece of paper.) Lost One: No, it's not. Felix: It's your lucky day, boy. You get to live. Put him with the rest. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Aboard the Jolly Roger. Present. Hook opens a portal to Neverland, and everyone prepares to sail through it. [SCENE_BREAK] David: So who are we up against? Who are Greg and Tamara? Mr. Gold: They're merely pawns, manipulated by forces far greater than they can conceive. They have no idea who they're truly working for. Emma: And who's that? Mr. Gold: Someone we all should fear. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Neverland. Past. [SCENE_BREAK] Lost One: If that's not the boy he's looking for, do you think we'll be able to find him? Felix: Of course we will. It may take time, but Peter Pan never fails. (The other Lost Ones hands Felix the picture of the boy Peter Pan is after-Henry Mills.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Jolly Roger. Present. The six people sail into the portal. As they disappear it into, the waters of the harbor are at once still.

Plan: A: Storybrooke; Q: What is the name of the town? A: Regina; Q: Who placed the trigger within the curse? A: Mr. Gold; Q: Who mourns the loss of his son? A: Bae/Neal; Q: Who does Mr. Gold mourn? A: Neverland; Q: Where does Hook rescue Bae? A: Hook; Q: Who discovers his connection to a young Bae? A: the sea; Q: Where did Hook rescue Bae from? A: the Lost Boys; Q: Who is in pursuit of Bae? Summary: The inhabitants of Storybrooke brace themselves for the end when Greg and Tamara detonate the trigger Regina had placed within the curse, with the annihilation of the town and its residents imminent; and Mr. Gold mourns the loss of his son, Bae/Neal. Meanwhile, back in Neverland of the past, Hook discovers his connection to a young Bae after he rescues him from the sea and soon realizes that the Lost Boys are in hot pursuit of the boy.

[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] (It's raining. Thunder rumbles; lightning flashes.) Cue Sound: (PRE-LAP) RING TONE [PHONE BOOTH] (Through the smoky glass, we see the figure of someone inside the phone booth making a call.) Officer Mularz: (over phone) LVPD. Officer Mularz. Can I help you? (There's no response.) Officer Mularz: (over phone) Is anybody there? (Inside the phone booth, someone wearing a hooded jacket is on the phone. There's a prolonged pause before the person speaks.) Whisperer: (to phone) I'd like to report a murder. Officer Mularz: (over phone) Your name? (There's another pause.) Officer Mularz: (over phone) Hello? Is there somebody there? (The person in the phone booth puts their gloved hand on the glass.) Whisperer: (to phone) The body can be found at 1812 White Oak Road. Officer Mularz: (over phone) I'd like to help you. Please identify yourself. Whisperer: (to phone) Send someone to pick up the body. (The camera blurs on the figure inside the phone booth.) WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (There's a full moon shining down on the scene. Officer cars are parked outside the residence.) (Warrick, Grissom and Sara walk down the front drive toward the house. Brass exits the house to meet up with them.) Brass: So an anonymous call came into metro about an hour ago. (He checks his watch.) Investigating officer found the dead body. The coroner's inside. (They turn and head toward the house.) Brass: The, uh ... the door was open. Unlocked. [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Brass leads them through the hallway. They note the multiple tufts of hair on the floor.) Brass: So the house is owned by the decedent, Hayden Bradford. Neighbor says he lives alone. Grissom: The floor is covered in hair. Has he got a cat or a dog? Brass: Nope. But as you can see our dead guy is ... I guess you could say he's hirsute. (They reach the body and it's apparent that Hayden Bradford is very, very hairy.) David Phillips: "Hirsute" is an understatement. It's like he's wearing a pelt. (Grissom notes the hairy legs and arms. There's blood on his left shoulder where he was shot. Hayden's eyes are open.) (We hear buzzing. Everyone checks their pager. Warrick motions to the pager next to the dead body.) Warrick: Hey, David, would you grab that? (David picks up the cell phone out of the victim's pocket and hands it to Warrick. Warrick: Thanks. (Warrick checks it. The information shows: MISSED MICHELLE 702-555-0194 Warrick: A missed call from a Michelle. (Additional information of the calls missed shows: Michelle 702-555-0194 12:08 a.m. Michelle 702-555-0194 11:44 p.m. Michelle 702-555-0194 10:15 p.m. Michelle 702-555-0194 8:32 p.m. Michelle 702-555-0194 6:02 p.m. Michelle 702-555-0194 3:53 p.m. ) Warrick: She called six times since 3:53 p.m. David Phillips: Liver temp's 80 degrees. Been dead around twelve hours. Sara: Which makes TOD around 3:00 p.m. (Grissom examines a tuft of fallen hair.) David Phillips: Explains why he didn't take her calls. COD -- bullet to the chest. (David pulls the shirt aside to show the wound.) Grissom: These strands are smooth, not coarse. They're human. Sara: Are the roots intact? Grissom: Yeah. (shrugs) Evidently, this guy was shedding. SMASH CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - FRONT STREET -- DAY] (David and James push the gurney out the front walk and across the road.) (Catherine and Nick head toward them on the way into the house.) Catherine: Hey, Dave, James. (Just then, the gurney's back wheel gets stuck in a rut in the dirt road. David struggles with it for a moment.) David Phillips: Aw, c'mon. (David lifts up the gurney to get it out of the rut. Nick and Catherine walk past David.) Catherine: Hey, Dave, you've got to pick it up. Nick: Lift with the knees, Super Dave, lift with the knees. Catherine: Yeah. David Phillips: (irritated) Thanks, I ... have done this before. (David lifts up the gurney and the victim's right arm falls out from under the sheet and hangs off the side of the gurney exposing his very, very hairy arm.) (Sara exits the house.) Sara: Hey. Catherine: So, Brass gave us a quick briefing. How can we help? Sara: Warrick and I are processing the interior, room to room. Catherine: So that leaves the perimeter. Sara: Thanks. (Sara leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Warrick looks at the framed photos on the table. They are photos of Hayden with a pretty, blonde-haired woman. He picks up a photo as Sara re-enters the living room and heads for her kit.) Warrick: Well, this victim definitely had a lady in his life. Sara: That's odd. There is not a single feminine touch in this house. (Sara turns her flashlight on and looks around the room as she heads over toward Warrick. Warrick flips the framed photo over and removes it from the frame. On the back is some writing: MICHELLE CHRISTMAS 2004 ) Sara: Michelle. Christmas, 2004. Warrick: Probably the same Michelle that tried to reach him six times on his cell phone. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - OUTER PERIMETER - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Catherine and Nick walk around the side of the house, paying close attention to the ground and windows.) (Catherine finds a broken window.) Catherine: Broken window. (She takes a photo of it.) (She sticks her hand inside the broken pane and pushes the window open.) Catherine: Yeah. It slides. The front door was locked. The killer probably broke the window and exited out the front. (Quick flash of: The killer smashes the glass window. End of flash.) Nick: I'll need to print the window, but, uh ... why don't we get to this first. (He points to the ground. They both kneel down in front of a large rock.) Catherine: Doesn't look big enough to have done the job. (Catherine sees the broken shards of glass on the ground and reaches out to pick one up. Nick dusts the rock for prints.) (He finds a print and smiles.) Nick: We have a print. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Sara and Warrick enter the bedroom. They note the various pictures and color schemes on the desk. Warrick takes the printed e-mail from the printer and reads: From: casinodan(a)gmail.com To: misterbradford(a)gmail.com Date: January 2, 2006 12:08 pm pst Warrick: "Hey, jackass-- this is your last chance. Pay your debt or I'll hunt you down." (Sara stands up from what she's looking at to read the e-mail.) Warrick: Makes our job easier when the suspect prints out his motive. He has an e-mail printout from casinodan(a)gmail.com to (a)misterbradford(a)gmail.com. (Outside, Catherine and Nick continue surveying the perimeter of the house. Near the back of the house, they find a patch of disturbed dirt.) Catherine: Well, that ain't no anthill. That dirt's fresh. Looks like something's buried there. (Nick kneels down next to Catherine.) Catherine: Hang on. (She snaps a photo of the dirt.) (Nick brushes the dirt away and they find a gun.) Nick: No way. (Catherine snaps more photos. Nick picks up the gun.) Nick: .32 Beretta. Victim was shot, right? It's going to be hard to get a print, but I'll get it to Ballistics. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins shaves the area around the bullet hole on Hayden Bradford's chest. Grissom watches.) Grissom: Well, we knew he was hairy. I didn't realize the full extent. Robbins: Hypertrichosis. I've only read about it. Excessive hair growth. Genetic. Extremely rare. His case was relatively mild. In some individuals, hair grows everywhere except the eyes and the mouth. Grissom: The human werewolf syndrome. Robbins: In Mexico, there's a family thirty members are afflicted. Two of the teen boys were recently adopted by the National Circus. Grissom: Great. The bearded lady, the dog-faced boy -- physical deformities as family entertainment. Robbins: I cleared a path for the bullet. (Robbins extracts the bullet and looks at it. He puts it in a bindle.) Robbins: I figured you'd want to get this to ballistics ASAP. Grissom: Thank you, Al. (Robbins gives the bindle to Grissom.) Robbins: You know, Gil, we're all intrigued by our nightmares, and when we watch freak shows, basically we're all thinking the same thing. Grissom: Yeah, I'm glad they're not looking at me. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB -- DAY] (Greg walks into the lab. Archie is working at the computers.) Greg: Hey, Archie. Archie: Hey. Greg: Please tell me you've ID.'d Casino Dan. Archie: Yep. The ISP provider sent over the subscriber information for a casinodan(a)gmail.com. It's registered to a Dan Nobler, who runs a gambling website. (The information pops up on screen: Domain Name: CasinoDan.com IP Address: 121.198.253.172 ) Greg: If I wanted to visit Dan in person, where would I go? Archie: Well, the server for casinodan.com is in Argentina, which allows him to skirt U.S. gaming laws. However, he's got a Nevada business license. And I have the address. (Archie holds out a slip of paper. Greg takes it and looks at it.) Greg: Anything else I should know? Archie: Uh, well, I don't know if it's relevant, but he recently opened an account with peopledetectors.com. Greg: Who was he looking for? Archie: I don't know. I'll triage the computer's hard drive. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NOBLER RESIDENCE - FRONT WALK -- DAY] (Warrick and Greg head for the Nobler residence. A car pulls up. Dan Nobler gets out.) Archie: (V.O.) Reconstruct the deleted e-mails. I'll get back to you on that. Dan Nobler: Can I help you? Greg: You Dan Nobler? Dan Nobler: Yeah. Warrick: We're from the Crime Lab. We need to ask you a few questions. (Dan quickly walks past them and heads for the house. Warrick and Greg follow him.) Dan Nobler: Look, if you're here about my business, you can save it for my attorney. Warrick: No, actually we're inquiring about a Mr. Hayden Bradford. You sent him some threatening e-mails. (Dan stops and turns around to look at them.) Dan Nobler: Bradford is a lying son of a bitch. Greg: Care to elaborate on that? Dan Nobler: I run an online gambling business. Bradford had an account, ran up $10,000 in debt and refused to pay it. Warrick: Isn't it true in online gambling you have to submit your credit card, prior to gambling, to insure your losses? Dan Nobler: That's true. And when Brad was winning, it wasn't a problem. But when his luck changed, he called his credit card holder and said the charges were fraudulent. The credit card company issued a charge back and I got screwed. Warrick: Is that when you decided to hunt him down? Dan Nobler: Look, I wrote him an e-mail, hoping to scare him. Sorry. I was angry. If I write an apology, can we drop this? Warrick: No, Mr. Nobler, I'm sorry, we can't do that. Mr. Bradford's dead. (He looks at them both.) Dan Nobler: Any other questions, contact my lawyer. We're done here. (He turns and heads into the house. Before he enters the house, he wipes his feet on the mat. Warrick sees him.) Warrick: You see that? Greg: Yeah, the guy's a jerk. (Warrick heads for the mat.) Warrick: No, he wiped his feet on the mat. I'm hoping to get a little trace evidence here. Yeah, you see these pebbles? They look like the same ones that were found at the crime scene. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB -- DAY] (Bobby Dawson puts his earphonesand protective eyewear on. He picks up the gun and puts it in the firing container. He cocks the weapon.) Bobby Dawson: Fire in the hole! (He fires.) (Quick CGI POV: The bullet travels out of the gun and into the container full of pellets. End of CGI POV.) (Bobby removes the canister and empties out the contents into a plastic bin. He finds the bullet and puts it under the scope to scan into the computer.) (Catherine enters the lab.) Catherine: Bobby. Bobby Dawson: Hey. (He compares the two bullets.) Bobby Dawson: So, that, uh, buried gun y'all recovered, wasn't used to kill Bradford. (He turns the monitor to show Catherine.) Catherine: GRCs aren't even close. Bobby Dawson: Most bullets are copper, but take a look at the fatal bullet. It's silver. Catherine: How do you kill a werewolf? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (David Phillips is combing the body's hair, catching the trace material in a metal bin. There's a knock at the door.) (The door opens.) David Phillips: No one's home. (Hodges, Archie and Henry Adams walk in.) Hodges: We want to see the Wolfman. David Phillips: Yeah, well, he's not available right now. I am trying to prep him for autopsy. (They all surround the body.) Hodges: Wow. And I thought Robin Williams had hairy arms. Henry Adams: Can I touch him? Archie: You mean "pet" him. (Henry reaches out to touch him; David Phillips smacks his hand away. Archie raises a camera to snap a photo of the body.) David Phillips: No! You may not touch or pet the decedent. Hodges: Is it soft like fur or ... ? (Henry Adams leans forward, turns and smiles for the camera. Archie snaps the photo.) David Phillips: I was supposed to have him prepped hours ago. Please. Okay, you guys gotta go. Hodges: Relax, Dave. It's not every day that Chaka ends up on a slab. David Phillips: Yeah, I need you to leave. Archie: Whoa. Hodges: Fine, but if I get a Sleestak in my lab, and you want to see it, I'm gonna get cranky. (The guys leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Nick interviews Brent Moyer.) Nick: Mr. Moyer, you're here about Hayden Bradford. Do you know him? Brent Moyer: Of course. He's one of my closest friends. Nick: Yeah ... yeah, I'm sorry. We found his body this morning. You didn't recently try to break in his home ... did you? Brent Moyer: Excuse me. What? Nick: We found a rock by a broken window, with your fingerprint on it. (He chuckles.) Nick: Is that funny? Brent Moyer: No. It's just. Uh ... last week we were playing toss with a ball. (Quick flashback to: [EXT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - FRONT - DAY] Brent and another guy are playing toss. The ball overshoots the catcher and smashes into the window. End of flash.) Nick: That still doesn't explain to me how your fingerprint got there. (Quick flashback to: Brent walks up to the broken window.) Brent Moyer: (V.O.) There was glass everywhere, so I knocked out the loose pieces. (He uses the rock to smash out the jagged edges. End of flash.) Nick: You guys being good friends ... you were aware of his medical condition, right? Brent Moyer: That he was a hairy SOB? Yeah. Of course. Why? Nick: Do you know why anybody'd want to hurt him? Brent Moyer: He's a friendly, quiet guy. I've known him since high school. He's been dating my sister. Oh, God. She doesn't know yet, does she? Nick: Who, Michelle? Brent Moyer: Yeah. Nick: I tried to call her cell phone and ... Brent Moyer: She's at my parents, in Pahrump. Her cell phone's probably out of range. Nick: But you can get me their home number, address, all that? Brent Moyer: Sure. But if it's okay, I'd ... I should break the news to her in person. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROAD - PHONE BOOTH -- NIGHT] (Sofia leans against the outside phone booth. Sara walks toward her carrying her kit.) Sofia Curtis: I've been waiting for you. Sara: Sorry. I headed out as soon as I got your page. Sofia Curtis: Really? 'Cause, uh ... I left a voicemail several hours ago. Sara: What's up? Sofia Curtis: The anonymous call was traced to this phone booth, so I figured you'd want to process. (Sara looks at the phone and sees the print powder on it.) Sara: There is fingerprint powder on the phone. Sofia Curtis: Yeah, I got bored waiting. I thought you might need some help. No usable prints, but check out the floor. Sara: There's a lot of hair. Similar to the crime scene. Sofia Curtis: The victim was killed twelve hours before this call was made. If that's his hair, what's it doing here? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - NIGHT] (Wendy Simms reports her findings to Sara.) Wendy Simms: The hair isn't Hayden's. The chromosomes are XX. Sara: Female. Wendy Simms: Yeah. So I took the liberty of comparing the sample's DNA to the victim's DNA. There are seven alleles in common. Sara: Brother and sister. Wendy Simms: (nods) Mm-hmm. Sara: She's likely our anonymous caller. Wendy Simms: Yeah, well, given the amount of hair that you collected, she's also probably a very hairy woman. Sara: Wendy, can you do me a favor? Wendy Simms: Hmm? Sara: Can you see if any of the follicles from the crime scene are a match to the hairs from the phone booth? Wendy Simms: You want to see if the sister was in the victim's house. Sara: If she was, she's not just the caller, she's a suspect. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Catherine and Sara walk and talk through the hallway.) Catherine: I hear the vic has a sister. Sara: A twin sister, in fact. I tracked down the victim's birth certificate. He was born to a Rita Bradford in Fresno, California. Ms. Bradford apparently had twins, Hayden and Allison. There's no record of any other children. Catherine: I'm assuming you contacted Allison. Sara: Well, that's where it gets odd. Allison Bradford has never filed with the IRS, has never had a driver's license, has never filled out a W-2. How do you go through life without a paper trail? Catherine: She's dead. Sara: There's no record of a death certificate. We found her hair in the phone booth. And DNA just confirmed that some of the hair follicles that we collected at the crime scene are hers. Catherine: Well, other than hair, when you and Warrick processed the house, did you find any evidence of a sister? Sara: No, but we were not looking for one. Catherine: We are now. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (Officer cars are parked in the front. The porch light is on.) [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - BEDROOM -- NIGHT] (Sara steps into the bedroom and looks around, taking note of the desk area. She looks at the screen saver on the monitor.) [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Warrick is looking through the kitchen area. He looks around. He stops in front of the kitchen table where a chess board is set up with evidence of a game in play.) [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Catherine looks around the shelves in the living room. She goes through the mail for: HAYDEN BRADFORD 1812 WHITE OAK ROAD LAS VEGAS, NV 89147 (Warrick steps out of the kitchen.) Warrick: Catherine, I've covered the kitchen. I've found no evidence of a sister living here. (Sara exits the bedrooms.) Sara: Ditto for the bedroom. I think I'm gonna take a look outside. Warrick: I'll do the same. (Both Sara and Warrick leave.) Catherine: Thanks, guys. (Catherine looks around and notices a small hole in the wall. She kneels down and looks through the hole and sees light moving behind the wall.) (She looks down under the wall and sees the light turn off.) (Catherine knocks on the living room wall and finds that part of the paneling is hollow. She pushes the paneling and the wall gives, moving forward.) (There's a surprised grunt behind the paneling.) (Catherine is shocked.) Allison Bradford: (muffled behind wall) Please go away. Catherine: Allison? Allison Bradford: (muffled behind wall) This is my home. I would like you to leave. Catherine: Allison ... (Catherine stands up.) I need to talk with you. Can you please come out? Allison Bradford: (muffled behind wall) I'd rather not. Catherine: Allison, my name is Catherine Willows. I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. I know that you suffer from hypertrichosis. I understand why you would rather not talk with me. But we need to discuss your brother's murder. Would you please come out? (The paneling opens to reveal a hidden bedroom. Catherine takes a step forward. Allison is hidden by the shadows coming from the light behind her.) Catherine: May I ... ? (Allison shies back, not wanting Catherine any closer.) Catherine: Would you step out? Please? Allison Bradford: You want to see what I look like? Catherine: No, I ... no. I don't want you to have to hide from me. Allison ... I'm a scientist. Excess body hair does not evoke fear ... or morbid fascination. It's simply a genetic quirk, like ... blue eyes or flat feet. (Allison steps forward. Catherine's eyes widen imperceptibly. Catherine holds her hand out.) Catherine: It's nice to meet you, Allison. (They shake hands. We note that Allison's entire hand and arm are covered with hair.) Allison Bradford: How can I help you, Ms. Willows? (Allison steps forward and we see that her entire face is covered with hair.) Catherine: What can you tell me about your brother's murder? Allison Bradford: No one knows I live here, so when we get a visitor, I go to my room. (Catherine notes the yarn quilt on Allison's bed over the duvet.) Allison Bradford: Yesterday, around 3:30, the doorbell rang. (Quick flashback to: [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY] The doorbell rings. Bradford turns.) Hayden Bradford: (shouts) Just a sec! (Allison goes into her room and shuts the door.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Allison Bradford: And when I came out of my room, Hayden was dead. Catherine: Why did you wait twelve hours to call the police? Allison Bradford: Because I didn't want the call traced to the house, back to me, so ... I waited till midnight, and then I walked to a pay phone. You weren't supposed to find me. Catherine: Do you have any idea why someone would want to hurt your brother? (She shakes her head.) Allison Bradford: He was my only friend. (cries) He was my connection to the outside world. Catherine: What about your parents? Allison Bradford: I never knew my father. My mother died when we were teenagers. Catherine: No one else knows that you exist? Allison Bradford: I hope ... I hope you'll help me. Catherine: Help you-- with what? Allison Bradford: Staying secret. It's best for everyone. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT] (Grissom is going through the Internet and is looking at a page with a GERMAN WEREWOLF WOODCUT, 1722, picture.) (Nick walks into the office.) Nick: Hey, Grissom, you got a second? Grissom: Did you know the word "werewolf" was derived from the old English word "Wargwolf," which is a synonym for "serial killer"? Nick: No, I didn't. Grissom: Imagine if you had some deep, dark secret ... something that brought you tremendous shame. But instead of being able to hide it away, you had to wear it out on your skin, so that the first time anyone saw you, they saw your secret. Nick: You talking about Allison? Grissom: Yeah. Catherine said she's scared to death of people and what they'll think of her. Nick: Well, if that's the case, why not try electrolysis or depilatory lasers? Grissom: With that much hair -- be a lot of scarring, and a great deal of pain. Plus, imagine how expensive it would be. What have you got? Nick: Well, I just ran into Archie. The decedent used a company called peopledetectors.com to try to locate his mother. Grissom: Catherine spoke to Allison. Their mother's dead. Nick: Apparently not. She's alive and well, and has an address in Henderson, so I'm gonna go out there, check it out. (Nick turns to leave. Grissom stops him.) Grissom: Hey, Nick. Nick: Yeah. Grissom: Bring her back here, will you? Nick: Sure. Why? Grissom: I want to talk to her. Find out why a mother would play dead. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB] (Hodges is in the lab when Greg and Warrick walk in.) Hodges: Oh, good, you're here. I love an audience. Greg: Well, don't expect any applause. Warrick: What do you got? Hodges: I compared pebbles from the crime scene to the pebbles from Dan Nobler's doormat. They're consistent with each other -- a composite commonly known as pea gravel. The pebbles weren't the only trace elements I found in that doormat. I also found several slivers of glass ... glass consistent with a broken window. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (Warrick is talking with Dan Nobler and his lawyer, Duane McWane.) Dan Nobler: I'm here about pebbles and glass. Come on. Duane McWane: Look, this is ridiculous. I mean, we're talking about trace evidence on a doormat? Come on. Besides, I read the file. A guy named Brent Moyer already admitted to breaking the window. Warrick: This is true; he did. But we believe that Mr. Nobler here stepped in the shards of glass. Listen, neither the glass nor the pebbles are probative on their own, but together, they put your client at the crime scene. Not to mention, his threatening e-mail gives us motive. Dan Nobler: Fine. I was there. Duane McWane: Dan ... Dan Nobler: No, look, I get ripped off by jerks all over the world. This guy was a local. I knew his address and, yeah, I wanted to shake him down. Let him know that by declaring credit card fraud, he was stealing from me. Warrick: Okay, I'm listening. Dan Nobler: A few days ago, I went over to his house. Then I started thinking, "What if this guy's like twice my size?" I figured I should get a look at him before I had our "conversation," so I went around back ... (Quick flashback to: [EXT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - BACK WINDOW - DAY] Dan Nobler quietly walks up to the back of the house. The window is already broken. He steps in the glass and peers into the window.) (Hayden sees him, gets up and heads for the window.) Hayden Bradford: Hey ... hey, hey! (Dan Nobler turns and runs.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Dan Nobler: At first, I thought he was wearing a costume, but then I realized, it was ... it was real hair. Disgusting, right? Warrick: What happened next? Dan Nobler: Well, when the dude saw me, I took off. Warrick: Why? Dan Nobler: Uh, he was a freak of nature. I no longer wish to speak with him. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - DAY] (Hodges pushes his chair back and rolls across the floor toward one of the machines. He opens it and puts the silver bullet inside. He closes the machine and starts it.) (Quick CGI POV: Inside the machine, a red laser light beams from the top straight down to the core of the bullet. End of CGI POV.) (Hodges fiddles with the knobs and makes adjustments as he looks at the bullet through the computer monitor.) (He gets a reading: 92.5% SILVER Ag ) (Nick walks in.) Nick: Hey, man. Hodges: Hey. Nick: What are you smiling about? Hodges: Oh, I was just thinking of the Howling II: The Werewolf Bitch. I don't care what anyone says. It was much better than the first one. Nick: Is it? Hodges: Yeah, yeah. I got the whole anthology. Want to borrow it? Nick: No, thanks. I would like to know about my bullet, however. I assume it was homemade since the manufacturer doesn't sell it in silver. Hodges: Right. Simple clamshell mold. (Quick flash of: Someone melts silver and pours it into a mold. They then pop out the bullet from the mold. End of flash.) Hodges: Ninety-two point five percent pure with trace amounts of copper, nickel and chromium lead. Nick: Elemental properties are consistent with sterling silver jewelry. Hodges: And sterling silver has a high melting point. Someone went through a lot of trouble to make it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM -- DAY] (Catherine and Sofia Curtis interview Michelle Moyer.) Michelle Moyer: Sorry I didn't get here sooner. I was pretty upset. Catherine: Michelle, your relationship with Hayden, was it serious? Michelle Moyer: We were engaged. I can't believe he's gone. Sofia Curtis: The day he died, you called him six times. Michelle Moyer: There was a golf tournament on ESPN that night. He wanted me to tape it for him. I was trying to reach him because I was at my folks' place and the VCR was broken. Sounds so silly now. I'd like to see him ... to say good-bye. (Catherine looks at Sofia.) Sofia Curtis: He's with the coroner. Catherine: Michelle, I understand that you were at your folks and you were trying to get a hold of Hayden on your cell, but we were unable to reach you on it. Can you explain? Michelle Moyer: I called Hayden so many times that my battery died. (sniffs) I'm sorry. Catherine: Do you have any idea who could have done this? (She looks at them.) Michelle Moyer: You know about his condition, right? It made him really sweet. I mean, it was like he was constantly trying to make up for his physical imperfections by doing everything perfectly. He was the perfect boyfriend, the perfect lover, my best friend. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Grissom meets with Rita Bradford. She stirs her cup of coffee.) Rita Bradford: I was in labor for 27 hours. They didn't want to come out. Who could blame 'em. Grissom: Mrs. Bradford, why does Allison think you're dead? Rita Bradford: I thought it would be easier. Grissom: Easier than what? Rita Bradford: I did the best I could, Mr. Grissom. Their father couldn't look at 'em. Took off when they were a few weeks old. Babies are supposed to be cute. (She takes a sip of coffee.) Grissom: Mrs. Bradford ... ? Rita Bradford: At the time, we were living in Fresno. Family, friends stopped visiting. They were scared of my children. Especially Allison. She ... she looked like ... when she started nursery school, the kids teased her, called her names, made her cry. Grissom: So you moved to Vegas and decided to keep her a secret? Rita Bradford: It was best for everyone but she became completely dependent on me, and for eighteen years, I took care of her. Grissom: I'm sorry, but I still don't understand why she believes you're dead. Rita Bradford: One day, Allison wanted to take a walk ... outside. I didn't want anyone to see her. We had a fight. I locked her in her room -- my own child - because she wanted fresh air. At that moment, I knew I needed to leave. I told Hayden to tell her I was in a car accident. Two days later, he put on a black suit, told her he was going to my funeral. Grissom: And she didn't go because she couldn't leave the house. (Rita Bradford nods.) Grissom: You thought it would be easier for her to accept your death than your abandonment? Rita Bradford: Please don't judge me. I spend enough time doing that. Grissom: I'm just trying to find out who killed your son. Rita Bradford: I haven't seen either of them for seven years. I wouldn't have any idea. Grissom: You know, Mrs. Bradford, your daughter's all alone now. It's not too late for you to go back to her. Rita Bradford: And tell her what? That I faked my death to escape from her? How do you say that to your own flesh and blood? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins is looking at the body completely devoid of hair. He's shaved it all off; the hair on the table around the body.) (Catherine walks in.) Catherine: What's up with the 911? Robbins: David didn't notice the victim's lividity at the crime scene because it was obscured by his body hair. But when we shaved him ... well, check out his left side. Catherine: So it was on his side where the blood settled. Robbins: Correct, but he was found face up. (Robbins hands her the file.) Catherine: So, uh, somebody moved him several hours postmortem. Robbins: There's more. Vic was found on a hardwood floor, but when David brushed his body hair for trace, he found blue carpet fibers. (He hands the tape sample to Catherine.) Catherine: Well, there was blue carpet in the sister's room. (Quick flashback to: Catherine notices the blue carpet in Allison's bedroom as she talks with her. End of flashback.) Robbins: Hayden was shot through the chest; it would have exsanguinated on impact. Any blood in the sister's room? Catherine: I'll get back to you on that one. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY] (Catherine and Sofia Curtis walk through the living room and head toward Allison's bedroom door. Catherine knocks.) Catherine: Allison, it's Catherine. I need you to step out. Allison Bradford: (muffled through door) Who else is there? Catherine: There's another woman with me. Sofia Curtis: Allison, I'm Detective Curtis. (The door opens. Sofia sees Allison and is a little startled. Allison clutches a doll to her.) Catherine: (softly) I need to get inside your room. (Allison steps aside. Catherine enters the room.) Catherine: Thank you. (Catherine moves to close the bedroom door, shutting Allison out in the living room with Sofia.) (An awkward silence falls between the two women.) [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - ALLISON'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Catherine uses the hand-held ALS in Allison's room, looking for blood.) (The far wall is covered with various porcelain dolls. In front of the wall is an elaborate miniature dollhouse. Catherine steps closer to it for a better look.) (She turns around and notices a stain on the carpet in the center of the room. She looks under the bed and sees another stain.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: (Catherine and Sofia Curtis question Allison. Allison has her doll clutched tightly to her.) Allison Bradford: I don't know anything about it. Catherine: You can't expect us to believe that you live in a secret room that only you go into, yet you can't explain why your bed is covering up blood. (Allison's very quiet.) Catherine: Did you kill him? Allison Bradford: What?! Catherine: Did you? Allison Bradford: (distressed) Hayden's all I had. He's the only one that knew about me. Why would I kill him? Catherine: Because he was going to leave you ... for Michelle. That had to have been scary for you. Allison Bradford: You think I'm some sort of animal? I wanted him to be happy. I loved Hayden, I wanted him to be happy. Sofia Curtis: Did Michelle know about you? (She starts to pet her doll.) Allison Bradford: (rambles) No, but he said that he was going to tell her and that she was going to move in here and she would accept me -- Hayden promised. Catherine: Allison ... if you didn't kill him, who did? (Allison doesn't answer her.) Sofia Curtis: (bursts out) Okay, I'm sorry. We can do this here or we can take this downtown. Allison Bradford: No, please. Please. Catherine: Okay, okay. I know that you're scared ... but you have got to tell us what happened. Allison Bradford: The doorbell rang. I went into my room. (Quick flashback to: [ALLISON'S BEDROOM - DAY] The door opens and Hayden rushes in.) Hayden Bradford: Allison, where's the gun? Allison Bradford: I ... I ... Hayden Bradford: Damn it, Allison, where's the gun? (He opens a drawer, looking for the gun. He turns and faces the living room. A gun fires and Hayden is hit in the chest. He falls to the floor.) (End of flashback.) Catherine: And when he was shot, what did you do? Allison Bradford: I hid. Behind the door. (Catherine moves behind the door. She looks at Allison, who nods, that's where she was. Catherine looks around and sees Sofia in the reflection of the small television set.) Catherine: Was the television on? Allison Bradford: No. It's busted. It hasn't worked in years. Catherine: So you had a pretty good view of the living room through the reflection in the tube. What did you see? (Quick flashback to: [ALLISON'S BEDROOM - DAY] The door bursts open. Hayden turns around. A gun fires and Hayden falls to the ground. In front of him is Brent Moyer.) (Allison hides behind the door as Brent steps forward to check on Hayden. Allison looks at the television set and sees Brent Moyer's reflection in the monitor.) (Brent walks up to Hayden and looks at him.) Brent Moyer: Freak. (Brent turns and leaves.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: You're sure that it was Brent? Allison Bradford: I've seen him through the peephole. They were best friends. Catherine: Okay, um ... let's just go back to the gun. Allison Bradford: A couple of days ago, Hayden said he saw a guy sneaking around the back. So he bought me a gun for safety. But I don't like guns so ... I just buried it in the backyard. Catherine: (nods) Yes, we found it. Sofia Curtis: Allison ... why was it so difficult for you to tell us the truth? Allison Bradford: I think you're going to make me testify and I won't do that. I want Brent to go to jail, but I won't be the sideshow freak. Catherine: Well, we can try to build a case without you. (Allison nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Catherine talks with Grissom.) Grissom: You can't get a warrant unless she goes on record. Catherine: Well, just hear me out. We have a rock with Brent Moyer's fingerprints on it. Grissom: Yeah, but Allison told you that Brent entered through the front door. The rock is extraneous evidence, isn't it? Catherine: Well, let's just leave Allison's testimony out of it. We simply inform the judge that our suspect's fingerprints were on a rock that may have been used to break a window at the murder scene. Grissom: If you have no qualms about filing the petition, then file it. Catherine: Oh, no, I don't have any qualms. It's just that my moral compass doesn't always point in the same direction as yours. Grissom: So if I tell you not to file it, you won't? Catherine: (carefully) I'd take it under advisement. Why, is that what you're recommending? Grissom: How many times have we been prevented from getting a warrant when we knew we had the right guy? Catherine: Way too many. Grissom: Right. So rock and roll. (They continue walking out of camera frame.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MOYER RESIDENCE - FRONT YARD -- DAY] (Sofia Curtis and several officers walk up to Brent Moyer's front door. She knocks.) Sofia Curtis: Las Vegas PD. We have a search warrant. (The door opens.) Brent Moyer: What's going on? Sofia Curtis: Please step outside. (Brent steps outside.) [INT. MOYER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Sofia and the officers look around the living room. She sees the rifle rack and four rifles on the wall. The television set is on.) (They continue into the kitchen.) (In the room, Sofia finds the mold and slivers of silver on the worktable.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (Catherine and Sofia Curtis question Brent Moyer with his lawyer, Margaret Finn.) Brent Moyer: Why would I kill my best friend? Sofia Curtis: That's a very good question. Margaret Finn: A bullet clamshell isn't enough for the DA to file. What am I missing here? Catherine: Our Trace Lab analyzed the silver found in the bullet mold. It's identical composition to the bullet in the victim. DA says it's a slam dunk. Brent Moyer: Hayden was going to marry my sister. Margaret Finn: (interrupts) Brent, I recommend that ... (He looks at her. She stops. He continues.) Brent Moyer: I couldn't let that happen. He was diseased. Wasn't a problem for me. But my sister deserved better. Sofia Curtis: So you killed him? Brent Moyer: Did you see his body? Hayden was a monster passing for a regular Joe. My parents blamed me for introducing them. You know, the werewolf disease, it's hereditary. It means my sister could've given birth to freaks. Catherine: And the silver bullet? Brent Moyer: Figured it was appropriate. Catherine: So you left your parents', you went back to your place to make the bullet and then you went over to Hayden's. Brent Moyer: Yeah. Catherine: So it was premeditated. I guess you can forget heat of the moment as a mitigating factor here. Brent Moyer: I did the right thing. My sister's out there waiting. Since I confessed, can I at least go out and talk to her? Explain why I did it. Sofia Curtis: Why don't I do that for you. (Sofia stands up and leaves.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Sofia exits the interview room and walks over to Michelle, sitting in the hallway.) Sofia Curtis: Ms. Moyer ... your brother confessed to killing Hayden. (Sofia sits down next to Michelle.) Sofia Curtis: After our last conversation, I checked the TV listings. There was no golf tournament that night. I think you were calling Hayden to warn him about Brent. (She nods.) Michelle Moyer: I had just announced our engagement to my family. Brent flipped out. I was upset. Everyone was yelling at me. I went for a long walk to clear my head. And when I got back, Brent was gone. He told my parents that he was going to "speak" with Hayden. Sofia Curtis: But you had your doubts. Michelle Moyer: My brother has a temper. Sofia Curtis: Why didn't you tell us this before? Michelle Moyer: When Brent called and told me that Hayden was dead, he said that if I told you guys ... if I implicated him ... Sofia Curtis: He threatened you. (She nods and cries.) It's okay. (She puts a comforting hand on Michelle's leg.) You're safe now. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT] (Allison holds a cup in her hand.) Catherine: Allison ... what are you going to do now? Allison Bradford: I'll be okay. It's not like when I was a kid. I can pretty much get anything I need off the Internet. INTERCUT WITH: [EXT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - FRONT - NIGHT] (A car pulls up.) Catherine: (V.O.) And you're set with money? Allison Bradford: (V.O.) I'll manage. Catherine: (V.O.) Allison, I have every confidence that you're going to be just fine here, but ... (The car parks and the door opens. Rita Bradford steps out of the car.) [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] Catherine: If you ever need anything, would you please give me a call? Allison Bradford: I-I will, Ms. Willows. Catherine: Catherine. Allison Bradford: Catherine. I haven't been completely honest with you. I told you my mother was dead, but that's not true. Catherine: I'm not sure I follow. Allison Bradford: Hayden told me she was in a car wreck ... [EXT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - FRONT - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Rita Bradford walks toward the front door.) Allison Bradford: (V.O.) ... and I called the funeral home to send flowers and they had never heard of her, so I called the local hospitals. Same thing. (Rita stops before she reaches the front porch. She stares at the door.) [INT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Allison plays with the rim of her cup.) Allison Bradford: Recently, I contacted peopledetectors.com and, apparently, she lives in Las Vegas. She just couldn't live with me. [EXT. BRADFORD RESIDENCE - FRONT - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Outside, Rita turns and heads back to her car.) Catherine: (V.O.) So you were the one that contacted peopledetectors. (Rita walks back to the car and reaches for the door handle. She stops and suddenly turns around.) Allison Bradford: (V.O.) Yeah. When my brother was out, I used his computer. (She heads back to the front door. She walks up the front steps and stops in front of the door.) (She takes a deep breath.) (She raises her hand and knocks.)

Plan: A: The team; Q: Who takes on a poignant case? A: excessive body hair; Q: What condition did the man have? A: a twin sister; Q: What is the relationship between the man and the missing woman? Summary: The team takes on a poignant case as they investigate the death of a man with a condition in which he grows excessive body hair . They soon discover the man had a twin sister who, along with their mother, is mysteriously missing.

In the gymnasium, the cheerleaders are performing their routine for Ms. Hatzilakos Paige: All right come on guys! Get to spots! (Paige screws up while they're performing.) Paige: Oopsie daisy! Ms. Hatzilakos: Wow! When everyone gets a load of that at the year end party we're gonna have to force them to take a summer vacation. Darcy: Manny's choreography's more fun than going to the beach. Paige: Okay as captain of the squad I'd like to say that I adore you guys and I want to thank all of you for your spectacular hard work! Ms. Hatzilakos: Well the school appreciates it Paige. Thank you so much! Manny: For being a big, fat useless pile of nothing. (The girls start laughing.) Paige: Did you want to say something Manny? Manny: Gosh no Paige. It's all you. At Manny's locker Manny: If I peed in the foyer Paige would claim she gave me the water. Emma: There wouldn't be much credit there. Toby: If you were my prom date, I wouldn't let her take any credit, not from me. Emma: There really wouldn't be! Toby: Shut up Emma. Manny: I've been knocking myself out. Paige comes to one practice in three months and acts like she owns it. Toby: Uh did you hear the part where I asked you to the prom? Manny: Toby you're a sweet, sweet guy, but- Marco: But Manny's going with me. Sorry, but as the newly single head of the dance committee, I had to scoop up the cutest date I could find! Toby: How come the gay guys always win?! Manny: Oh my god, thank you so much. Marco: You'll find something chic to wear? Manny: Of course. Who's all going?! Marco: Um us, Jimmy, Hazel and just so you know I think Paige is bringing Matt. In the hallway Manny: Marco is my dream date, well nearly, but Paige will eat me alive if I go with you guys. Hazel: That's because you did get her boyfriend fired from teaching and pull her hair. Manny: Well maybe Hazel the peacemaker could smooth it over just a teensy bit? Hazel: We are going shopping tonight at Pretty, Pretty around 7ish and shopping makes Paige emotional. Manny: Okay... Hazel: You could run into us, act all submissive. You might get someplace. At the TV studio Kevin: I don't know, I think it just felt like it was time to get off the sound stages and kind of go back into the real world, shoot real locations, real people. Caitlin: And so when do cameras start rolling on Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian Eh? Kevin: You like that title. The 'eh' makes it. Caitlin: I do! Kevin: We were supposed to start shooting in a couple weeks but sadly just recently, some of our locations dropped out on us. Or dropped 'oot' on us as you say. Um so if anyone out there has a beer factory, or hockey rink, or a doughnut shop, or a strip club Or a school! Particularly a school. Please call us. Call me. Caitlin: Please join us next week. I'm Caitlin Ryan. That was great everyone! That was great. Kevin: Thank you. That was really fun. Caitlin: Thank you. Kevin this is Craig, my uh sort of stepson. Kevin: Right on. How are you sir? Craig: Hi. Wow hi. Kevin: Mr. Manning hi, wow, hi yourself. Craig: How did you? Kevin: Little bird. Caitlin: Craig uh goes to my old school. Maybe you've heard of it, Degrassi? Craig: Well it's a great looking school. You should check it out. Uh you should check it out on Friday because my girlfriend and I are playing prom. Kevin: Oh really? What, are you a musician or something? Caitlin: Fantastic musician. Kevin: Fantastic, the lady says! That's good enough for me. Can I borrow your pen? Caitlin: Of course. Kevin: I'm looking for a fantastic musician sir. This is my music guy's number. You give him a shout, tell him I told you to call him. Give me something high school dude. Real high school. Not Weezer approximating high school. Can you give me emo? You can give me real emo? Craig: I can give you real emo. Kevin: Right on sir. Excellent. You may have a job. At the store Hazel: Small is still a bit squeezey. Paige: It's better than an extra small. I love it. (Paige walks out and sees Manny in the same dress.) Manny: Hi. Guess I have great taste. Strapless make you nervous too? Paige: Is that the extra small? Manny: Pfft. No. No. Listen Paige, I was really hoping that we could make things better between us. Paige: Take off the dress. Manny: Listen I hate, I hate that you hate me. Please is there anything that I can do? Paige: Out of the dress and my airspace. In Craig's garage Craig: Get behind that keyboard. Ashley: Can we sit for a minute first? Craig: No sitting, no time. Ashley: Okay I told you my dad got a transfer to BBC World in London? Craig: (In a British accent) No small bollocks, oy? Ashley: Well he got me a summer job too! BBC 6 they call it T-Girl which I think means gopher, but- Craig: You're not going to London. Ashley: Look Craig I know. But I promise I'll IM you everyday and send you tons of obscure Brit pop. Craig: I'm afraid that we're gonna be too busy doing music for Kevin Smith's soundtrack. Ashley: What?! How?! Oh my god. Craig: I, I know! We have a meeting with his music guy. How much do you love me now?! Ashley: Better get behind that keyboard! Craig: See I told you, you weren't going. (singing) Silent Boooooob! At the food court Paige: The only summer job out there is in the Yukon? Matt: I'm broke Paige. I'm like selling my stuff, eating macaroni broke. And tree planting pays and my parents have cut off my tuition money. It's $400 a day, free rent. This is looking like the only way out. Be back before you miss me. Paige: The whole summer is forever. Marco: Hey I just saw your old boss. The mere site of Meeri took six years off my life! Matt: I'll go get us some drinks. Paige: Diet. Squeezey dress. Marco: Did I just totally wreck a moment? Paige: He's leaving, before the prom and he won't be back for months. In the gymnasium Manny: What?! Marco: I'm so sorry, but Paige needs a date and she's honestly heartbroken and then I-Maybe Toby's still free. Darcy: Manny can you help us for a sec? Marco: Hey I'll vote for you for queen. A tiara would really suit you! Manny: Hair jewelry. Right. That'd fix my totally sucky life for sure. Darcy: Paige is having trouble with the 1 cupe, 2 grapevine, 3 combo. Paige: I'm not having trouble with it. I just don't like it and I don't see why it can't just be straight grapevine. Chante: Because that's boring. Paige: Okay I'm the captain. I'm not in the mood for sass and I'm changing the choreography. Is that boring? Manny: I'll show you and I'll take it really, really slow okay? Paige: I'm missing the mascot. Go get the costume, I'll take your place. Manny: You want me to do what?! Hazel: We're performing in two hours Paige. We've never caught you. Paige: Well unless Manny, Darcy, Chante and you all want off the squad, Manny's the mascot. Consider my foot down. At Manny's locker Darcy: Don't throw out Justin! Manny: Purging. Anything that could possibly remind me of this year must go. Darcy: I wish we could purge Paige. If anyone deserved to fall off her high horse it's her. What?! Manny: Okay... what if... In the auditorium Ms. Hatzilakos: And so I'd like to declare this school year officially over. (Everyone starts cheering) Kevin: Offer you a free soda? Swanky school. Caitlin: Actually we call it pop around these here parts. Kevin: Ah see this is why I need you around me when we're shooting the movie so you can translate Canadian. Can you do that for me? Caitlin: Oh stop. Kevin: The whole time. Please. Caitlin: Shush! Ms. Hatzilakos: To send us toward the summer with smiles on our faces, here's Degrassi's spirit squad! (The girls start their routine, Paige goes up in a double base and as she's cradling the girls purposely don't catch her.) Paige: Ow! Ow my leg! Ow! Ow. Caitlin: So that's the gym. Paige: Ow! Ow please do something! In the recording Craig: We write all our own stuff. Ashley: So we can adjust it if you want! Music guy: If I want? What I want is Husker Du meets the Meat Puppets with maybe a soup song of Van Halen. That's what I want. Craig: Um okay! Is that what we did?! Music guy: Is that what you did? This is a buddy/love story okay man! It's not the place for whiny girls impersonating Kate Bush, accompanied by Bon Jovi wannabees! Craig: Hey! Music guy: Get out of my office please. Thank you. Get Kevin for me please. Craig: I guess we're no Meat Puppets. Ashley: I guess we suck! At the store, Manny is trying on a simple dark dress Emma: Don't look so worried. Paige is fine. So is the dress... Manny: Fine, fine, fine as in boring! Like mass. Latin with holy hot altar boys out the flute. Emma: Kind of looks like something the altar boy would wear. Manny: (picking up the pink dress) This one makes me happy, but Paige... Emma: She broke her leg yesterday. She's not going to the semi-formal. And this just happens to be the Manniest dress ever. Manny: You think? Emma: After all she put you through I think you deserve it. Outside the dance JT: The cheese buffet opens at 10. Manny: Tempting. Liberty: We came up with that together. We share a love of cheese. JT: Yes we do. Anyways your ballots for king and queen. Darcy: I feel terrible! Do you feel terrible? I feel terrible. Manny: She'll get over it and so will we. Darcy: Her leg was twisted like she was a Cirque Du Soleil chick! She isn't! Manny: So we'll, we'll vote for her for prom queen okay? And we'll send the tiara to her house. Now I'm going to ask Toby to dance for extra penance. Darcy: Okay. Outside the school, Paige, Hazel, Marco & Jimmy arriving Paige: Ninth grade, my date is orange and I'm sporting a screaming sunburn. Tenth grade our limo driver Jim Boy Jed, the criminal, delivers us in a cop cruiser. Eleventh grade, it gets worse, happed up on painkillers I arrive with a date who doesn't like girls on the special bus! Hello everyone! Happy prom! This is so perfectly festive! Jimmy: Are you finished? Paige: No! My armpits hurt! Hazel: More than your armpits will hurt if you don't shut your pie hole! I wanted this to be special for him and all you can do is whine! Marco: Um if the tantrums been thrown- Hazel: One more thing, Manny stepped up and ran the Spirit Squad for you when you were too self-involved! All she wanted was a thank you, but could you give her that?! Oh no! Paige: She was horrible to me! Hazel: But can you tell me why you had to be more horrible back? Why you always have to be more horrible?! [SCENE_BREAK] Inside the dance, Manny & Toby are dancing Manny: Um maybe, maybe I can get a beverage now? Toby: Maybe you'll uh like the next song too. Manny: Right. Right, right, well, Emma! Emma... Emma: Hey. Manny: Said she would die if she didn't get her hands on you! (Manny shoves Emma in Toby's arms.) Emma: No I... Kevin: Oh my god Ms. Ryan. If I knew you were taking me to the prom, I would have totally gotten you a corsage. Caitlin: I'm here to help you check the place out. It doesn't qualify as a date. Kevin: So weird, my prom date said the exact same thing. Outside the dance Manny: Oh my god. You're indestructible. Um I'm really glad you're here because... Paige: What are you wearing?! Liberty: Once the ballot's filled out it needs to be handed in. Paige: I cannot believe! JT: Maybe you two could be the world's first matching prom queen set, like socks, or mittens or uh bookends. Manny: We're not bookends. Paige: What I was going to say was uh good luck. I really hope you win. In the gymnasium, Ashley and Craig are performing for everyone Ashley: (Singing) Through the mud and the dirt, all the tears and the hurt. It seared and burned and I cried. Through the mud and the dirt, all the tears and the hurt. It seared and burned and I died. Craig and Ashley: (Singing) There was nothing at all. No nothing at all. There was only a dream of you. Only a dream of you. There was nothing at all. No nothing at all. 'Til your promise exploded through. There was nothing at all. No nothing at all. There was only a dream of you. In the photocopying room, Paige is photocopying a bunch of ballots and putting Manny's name on them Paige: Can't wait to you see you center stage Manny Santos. Outside the dance Craig: We rocked the place out! Ashley: Did you just say rocked out? Craig: Hey no lip or I'll smother you in sweat. Ashley: I'm gonna miss you so much. Craig: But, the show went really great! Ashley: There was a moment up there when I just thought to myself I have nothing left to prove. I'm ready to go to England and try some new things. Craig: Alright. Ashley: You know I've wanted to go since I was a kid. Craig: Since you saw Mary Poppins, I know. It's great, it's really great. Ashley: Come on you. Let's get to the cheese buffet before Heather Sinclair eats all the havarti. Craig: Um I'll meet you there. Back in the gymnasium Marco: Thanks to my charming, but odd, cheese loving committee, to all of you and of course to our sponsor Pantene. Alright right now, for the fateful moment, our king Jimmy Brooks and queen Manny Santos! (Paige tries to grab the crown from Marco and her crutch smashes his foot.) Marco: Paige what are you doing?! Paige: Give me the crown. Well deserved Manny! (Paige leans forward and 'accidentally' pulls off Manny's dress and uses her crutch to push Marco into her so she falls into Kevin's arms.) Kevin: You alright? We're gonna definitely be shooting here Ms. Ryan. Go put on a new gown. (Manny runs out of the gym crying and Paige is shown laughing.) Outside the gymnasium Kevin: Hey I know that kid. Hey kid get off my set! Craig: Sorry you working here? Kevin: No we're not! It's okay. Dude I never work and that thing, I don't even know how it operates. Ever see one of my flicks? It kind of shows. Craig: Yeah. I like the one where the guys hang outside the 7-11. Kevin: Yeah that kind of narrows it down a bit. Why aren't you inside prom-ing it up? Craig: Your music guy hated us and uh now Ashley's going to England. Kevin: Ah what I'm hearing is girl trouble dude. Always comes down to girl trouble. I can feel your pain sir. Craig: You've been through this? Kevin: Girl trouble? Dealing with a fat guy from New Jersey. Yeah I've had girl trouble. Even when I write and direct the movies, I never get the girl. I always wind up with Jay, some cases a monkey. But you know what I found, when my uh heart gets broken, just throw yourself into work man. Go home start writing a song. Go write a song for a movie. Movie directed by fat Star Wars nerd who hangs around high schools during prom, talks to brokenhearted musician types. Dude what part of this don't you understand?! Craig: Your music guy said I suck! Kevin: Ugh dude he's persona non grata. That dude's got no credibility whatsoever. The day Creed broke up I found him in a bathroom stall and he was crying. Crying! Besides, it's my movie. It's not his movie. You're looking at me all incredulous-like. Dude did you not see me ten minutes ago?! I flat out caught the Prom Queen! You know what kind of huge karmic debt that is to pay back? I gotta pay it forward man. I'm gonna pay you. In the girls washroom Paige: I brought pins. If it were legal I'd offer you painkillers too. Manny: Where do you get off coming in here?! How can you even talk to me? Paige: Hi you broke my leg! Manny: You made me be the mascot. Paige: You made me look stupid. Manny: You took credit for my work. Paige: You got Matt fired! Manny: You! I don't remember, but you started it! Paige: I'll keep going! You stress me at Spirit Squad! You make me look like full fat spaz! Manny: Shut up! You're just jealous. Paige: Yeah right. Manny: Um, don't drink anything else tonight. The girls went out for laxatives. Paige: Thanks for the tip. Well at least it's summer now. Manny: Yeah summer's good. Scenes for next week Kevin: (to the camera, with Caitlin) Last week we made out! What are we gonna do this week?! Voiceover: Guest star Kevin Smith wraps shooting at Degrassi while Craig learns about life on the street. (Shows Craig getting beat up.) Skinny: No rules my friend. Voiceover: And Caitlin struggles with a tough decision. Joey: (crying) I don't want her to go! Kevin: (raising a toast) To Degrassi!

Plan: A: the rivalry; Q: What heats up between Manny and Paige? A: Caitlin interviews; Q: Who interviews Kevin Smith? A: Degrassi Community School; Q: What school does Kevin Smith tour? A: Silent Bob; Q: Who is the silent partner of Jay? Summary: The end of the school year has arrived, and the rivalry between Manny and Paige heats up as they go to extreme lengths to one-up each other. Caitlin interviews Kevin Smith, who tours Degrassi Community School as a possible location for his latest movie, Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian, Eh! .

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Ty: We'll be putting an offer on the ranch tomorrow. I just have to talk to my fiancee first. Jack: You look so beautiful. (Truck rumbles) Tim: (Laughs) I knew it! Ahmed offered me a job. Ty: Yeah, I know. No. Like on his actual team, travelling Europe for the World Equestrian Games. Minister: I now pronounce you husband and wife. Jack, you may kiss the bride. We'll talk every day. Ty: Absolutely. Amy: I'll be back before you know it. (Helicopter rotors beat) (Knock at the door) Wow. Thank you. (Low hum of chatter, camera shutters snap) Hi. Hi, it's nice to see you guys. (Camera shutter snaps) Ahmed: Amy. There you are. (Low hum of chatter) Amy: It was one of those moments where... This... this is too tough to make. This is... Why me?! (Laughs) I used to think that. (Camera shutters snap) (Exotic romantic music) (Loud snap) S08E01 ♪ And at the break of day you sank into your dream ♪ ♪ you dreamer oh, oh, oh... ♪ You dreamer... ♪ You dreamer (loud echoing click) (Horse neighs) Caleb: Keep up the pace, Georgie. I wanna check out some of these horses before the auction. Georgie: I found the clip! Look! Okay, watch. They were up against this really amazing team from Brazil, and the last jump on the course was a high oxer. The Brazilian horse completely refused to jump and the rider flew right off. Ty: Ooh, that must have hurt. Georgie: Yeah, and Amy's team was up next, and Ahmed totally aced that jump! It was perfect! So they won and the crowd went crazy. It was amazing. Caleb: How do you know all this stuff? Ty: Well, she's following these weird blogs. Georgie: They're not weird. There are a ton of them. Horse crazy people that follow the games and blog about them. There's pictures, videos... Ty: She obsessed. She's basically stalking Amy. Georgie: I'm not stalking her. Ty: Yeah, you are! Georgie: Hey! I bet I know more about what she's doing than you do. Ty: Well, I bet you do too. (Low hum of chatter, horse whinnies nearby) Ty: Caleb! (Pats Caleb lightly) This is the gelding I was telling you about. Three years old. Great breeding. Good for tie down/team roping, you name it. Cow bred on his dam's side. Huge potential. If you trained him, he'd be worth three times what we could get him for. Okay. So including this guy, we have six prospects. Caleb: You agree? Ty: Absolutely. Man: Hey, Caleb! Caleb: Hollis. Hollis: Hey, I hear business is going real good for you guys. Caleb: We certainly can't complain. Ty: We had a good start up. Hollis: Yeah, I should've listened to you before I sold you charger. I'd be a hundred thousand dollars richer. Taught me a real lesson though. Hollis: You've got a good eye. Caleb: Thanks. Tim: You think? If you ask me, Caleb just gets lucky once in a while. I think what you guys really need is... somebody with a real eye and some good connections. You know what? Uh, thanks for the interest in partnering with us, Tim, but I'm gonna have to go with my gut on this one. Hollis: Darn right. Look, you guys buy some horses and train 'em well, I'll take the whole lot off your hands. Caleb: Yeah? Hollis: Yeah. Stay in touch. Ty: All right. Hollis: See ya. Wait a second, buddy. It's Hollis? Hollis: Yeah. Tim: Yeah, here. Take that. "Hot shots"? Yeah. Give me a call. I'll talk to you about it. Hollis: Will do. What? Oh. I didn't tell you guys. I started my own stock company. You know, I figured I had to put this talent and experience to use somehow. Trust me, I would've been a lot better partner than a competitor, but... What can you do? Get to work, I guess. (Jack laughs, car door slams) Boy! Look who's back! Lisa: (Laughing) Oh, I missed you so much! Jack: Not half as much as I missed you! (Kiss) So Florida was good? Ocala was super. Uh, I met interesting people, made some really super deals, but the best part of the entire trip: Wearing those 24-7. I really liked that. You said you didn't want to tell anybody until Amy got back. Now she's coming home, right, so we're going to tell them, right? So I was thinking maybe the best time to announce it to the whole family would be at the homecoming dinner, when everybody's there. What do you think? That's a good idea. Lisa: Yeah. But until we do, I'm in Heartland territory... I'll take them off and hide them... in my pocket. Jack: (Laughing) Auctioneer:...nice 3-year-old gelding... Ty: Okay, we got the five we wanted. Let's just focus on those. Caleb: No. You said it yourself, this guy's the best. Caleb: Look him move. Georgie: He's beautiful. Auctioneer:...Bid five thousand dollars. Now fifty-five hundred. Uh, fifty-five, fifty-five. Mm, fifty-five. Six thousand dollars there. Give me sixty-five hundred. The six is all... Caleb: C'mon, man. You gotta pull the trigger on him. Auctioneer: Seven thousand dollars there. Number seventy-five. Uh, seventy-five there, number minus six. There your number six, there your number divide... Six thousand is all, must divide, divide there and five... Relax, man. Okay? Hey, we've already got Hollis as a buyer. I'm going for it. Auctioneer:...That's seventy-five. At seven thousand, almost thirty-five. A thousand a (Unclear). Eight thousand and now we divide, divide there and back. Eighty-five. Uh, now we need some half. Now nine, five, now a nine a bid. Nine there, number nine there, at least nine thousand and made ninety-five hundred now. So up a half there. Ninety-five, now it's up by five. Now it's up by half. And no. Sold him! Ninety-five hundred dollars. You got him! Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did. Ty: (Exhales sharply) Lou: Lisa! Hey! Lisa: Hi! Lou: Welcome back. Lisa: Thank you. Lou: You're just in time for dinner. Lisa: Perfect! How can I help? Oh no, I'm good. But, uh, I heard from Amy and her flight arrives tomorrow at two. Lisa: Ooh! That's good news, isn't it Jack: It is indeed. Lisa: Let me make a salad dressing, that's what I can do. Lou: Oh, no, no, no. Lisa: Yeah, yeah, look. I... oh. So... do you have cold pressed? That's not cold pressed, right? Lou: You know what, Lisa? I... I can make the salad dressing. Lou: That's fine. Lisa: All right. I'll uh... Lisa: I'll set the table. Lou: Sure! Lisa: All right! (Drawer slides open) Oh... Do you have nice place mats? Where are the ones that I got you in Provence? Um, in the dining room, in the cabinet. Lisa: Great. (Gasps) I need to kiss my gorgeous god-daughter. Where is she? Lou: Playing in her room. All alone, by herself, in the room? She likes playing in her room. Lisa: Hmm... okay. (Receding footsteps) Lou: Okay, grandpa, listen. Can you do me a favour? You know I love Lisa, but... keep her out of the kitchen, okay? What? Why? Because she's been here less than two minutes and she's already... you know. Jack: No, I don't. Lou: She just sort of takes over. And listen, I'm really glad you guys are back together, but... it's just in the past few months, she's been around here a lot. Like... a lot. Jack: She's been in Florida for three weeks. Lou: I know. And it's been kind of... relaxing. I'm sorry, but it has. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's just that I was sort of hoping Amy was coming home to just us. You know, just family. Lisa: Okay! What can I do now? Tim: Oh! Look at that! Lisa's back! Lisa: Hi! Tim: And Amy's coming home tomorrow. Lisa: Yeah. Tim: This is gonna be one interesting homecoming with Amy's news and who knows what else, huh? Tim: Right? Lisa: Mm-hmm. Lisa: Oh, let me help with that! (Birds chirping) Katie: Giddy up, Orky! Jack: Oh, I missed you! Tim: Hey, I hope you know Caleb got robbed today with the price he paid for those horses. You're his business partner, you should have kept him in line. Ty: Well, why worry about me when you got your own thing going, right? Tim: Yes, I do. "Hot shots." Jack: Oh, here we go... Lou: "Hot shots"? Wha...? Georgie! Dinner! Ty: It's your dad's new company. Okay, why would you do that, dad? Go into competition with your future son-in-law. Ty: There's nothing wrong with a little healthy competition. We could've had it all... the business, Caleb, and me. We've been over this before. Business and family don't really mix. I think they can be a great mix. Just ask, Lou? (Laughs) No comment. Jack: Okay, it's time for dinner now. Let's... let's put your horse in the barn. Come on, sweetie. Oh... you're getting so heavy. Ty, remember we were gonna go surprise Amy at the airport tomorrow? Ty: Yeah. Georgie: Well, let's! Lou: I know she said she was gonna make her own way home, but if we left early enough... Ty: I gotta head to the clinic first, but I'll meet you there. Okay. Ty: Lou! Yeah, I'm on my way. Yeah, I'll meet you in the baggage area. Bye. (Truck engine cuts out) No. Come on! (Engine sputters) (Door bangs shut) (Hood creaks open) (Birds chirp) (SUV rumbles) (Dog barks in the distance) (Door clicks open) Amy: (Sighs) Thank you. (Dog barks) (Sighs, slams door shut) (Birds chirp) (Sighs) (Door opens) Amy: Hello! I'm home! (Door closes) Hello? Okay, guys, you can come out now. I know you're hiding. Hello?! (Remy pants) Hi, Remy! How are you? How are you? (Giggles) Come on, girl. (Jacket lands lightly) (Dialling beeps, low ringing) (Door opens) Lou: Amy?! Amy: Lou! Lou: There you are! Katie: Amy! Jack: There she is! Amy: Hey! Lou: We went to the airport to pick you up! Jack: Oh, sweetheart, I can't believe you're home! Well, I told you I was getting a ride home! Jack: Well, how did you get home? There was a car waiting for me. Amy: Katie, hi! Katie: Mm. Hug me. Georgie! Look at... That's beautiful! Lou: She worked so hard on that. Amy, you look amazing! Look at your hair and those boots, are they from Paris? Amy: (Laughing) They are. Wait, where's Ty? He didn't come to the airport? Lou: No, he didn't, but... (Trucks rumble outside) Lou: He's here now. Ty, hey! Lou: Here you go. Amy: Whoa, Lou, not that much. Like... like half that, please. Lou: But you love my mashed potatoes. Amy: I know. It's just... The servings weren't quite so generous in Europe. Lisa: That is true. I feel like I put on 10 pounds just sitting down at this table. Well, no one is force feeding you. And I didn't say that. Wow, Amy, nice necklace. Where did you get it? Amy: Thanks. It was a gift. A goodbye present from the team. Ty: Yeah, it's nice. Lou: Yeah. It's an expensive little gift. Are those real diamonds? (Laughs) Um... Georgie: What was it like? Tell us everything! Amy: It was absolutely amazing. At first, I was worried that I wouldn't fit in; that no one would listen to my training ideas, but the team totally accepted me. It was just an incredible experience. It was beyond what I imagined. Well, you deserve that kind of respect. You've earned it. Amy: And we took side trips. We went to Paris, Rome... Just the history, the culture, the beauty. It's so unbelievable. I was flying in today and I remember thinking everything looked so bleak. You know, the suburbs... But it was nice seeing the mountains. Anyway, all in all, the tour was an incredible experience. Lisa: Speaking of incredible experiences... (Laughs) Jack? Jack: Yeah... yup. (Chuckles) Uh, Georgie sure has had some incredible experiences around here. You'd be surprised at the responsibility that she's taken on. Why, she stepped right into your shoes while you were gone. Amy: Well, that's good to hear. She pretty much had to, you know. You left on such short notice, everybody had to kinda pitch in. Lou: Dad... Well, we were kinda short handed, that's all I'm saying. And honey, I understand. I mean, you shouldn't have missed that opportunity for the world. But, you know, it's just... You were here and then... fshht! Gone. Amy: It's not like I... I abandoned you guys. Georgie: Were there any celebrities on the trip? I heard the tour was crawling with them. (Laughs) You know, I will tell you all about it once I've had a chance to decompress. But right now, I'm just... I'm feeling the jet lag. (Jack chuckles awkwardly, cutlery clinks) Lou: So, um, what was Lisa getting at out there? Um... getting at...? Yeah, she was about to say something. Jack: Oh, no, I... Lisa: Oh no, no, no. You did dinner, miss. You go... take a break. Lou: Honestly, I'm good. Lisa: Oh, go... just... just... go and spend some time with your sister. Lisa: Catch up. Lou: She's catching up with Ty. The last thing she needs is me butting in. (Katie chatters) Lisa: Well, you could put Katie to bed. Lou: Oh! Okay. Fine. Lisa: So... I gave you a lead in out there and you didn't take it. What's going on? Uh, nothing is going on. Really? 'Cause we're supposed to tell everybody our news tonight, right? If I didn't know any better, it seems like you just don't really wanna tell them. That is not true. This was Amy's first night back and I just figured... Well, she should have her moment. She did seem a little overwhelmed. Mm. Are you sure it's not you that's a little overwhelmed? Amy: You know, I'm kinda glad your truck broke down. Gives you an excuse to stay overnight in the loft. Ty: Well, do I need an excuse? Amy: I guess not. Both: (Laughing) Clearly we are out of practice. (Sighs) Well, that can be fixed. So, um, how have things been going here? What's new? Ty: Uh, it's been busy. Really busy. Um, we started that horse prospecting with Caleb. Amy: Yeah, you were saying... Ty: Well, you know that, yeah. So how's... how's that? Good, except it didn't take long for your dad to go into direct competition with us. Are you kidding me? My dad? Would I kid about your dad? (Annoyed sigh) I... (Chuckles) So... how's Scott and the clinic? It's good. It's hectic. Um... I'm fast tracking at school so I can graduate sooner. You're fast tracking? Ty: Mm-hmm. You... you just never mentioned that. Well, it was... kind of hard to... stay in touch. Yeah, I know. I was all over the place. And the time difference, too, was... Amy: Brutal. Ty: Yeah. So did you even have time to miss me? Of course I missed you. (Awkward giggle) Look, first thing tomorrow, I gotta pick up some parts for that damn truck. Yeah, I'll, um... I'd love to come. There's something I've been dying to see. (Gate squeaks open, birds chirp) (Laughs) What do you think? It's a bit smaller than I remember. Ty: You still like it though, right? Amy: Yes, I love it! (Laughs) Owner: Hey! What the heck do you think you're doing on my land? (Horse whinnies) Listen, I don't get it. You were supposed to phone me if there were any interested buyers or pending offers, and instead, you sold it right out from under us. No, I did not say I would check in with you. You were supposed to keep me posted. I think you owe us a damn good explan... (birds chirp, phone beeps off) I don't believe this. Ty, it's nobody's fault. Yes it is, Amy. The agent was supposed... Ty, it's just a horrible misunderstanding. Lou: I'm so sorry. Tim: I'm not. Honey, I mean I think it's a good thing. The place was a dump. It was great that you had the down payment, but the cost to fix it up, make it livable, and the ongoing expenses, upkeep... Jack: Well, your dad has a point. It needed a lot of work. Lou: You were getting in a little over your head. Did any of you ever think that this was a good idea? It was just a bit unrealistic. Unrealistic?! No, it wasn't! Why do you think I went to Europe? To make some money! Georgie: Amy! There's a guy outside with a horse trailer and he's asking for you. (Horse snorts softly, hooves clop lightly) Amy: I'm confused. I wasn't expecting a horse. Well, I had my orders. Amy: This is unbelievable! (Sighs heavily) Ahmed, hey. Yes, he arrived, but I just got home. I'm barely settled. I wasn't expecting... (Frustrated sigh) Don't you have anyone else that cou... Okay. Okay, okay. Um... Yeah. I'll work with him, I'll see what I can do. I'll let you know once I've seen him. (Sighs) Okay. Bye. (Phone beeps off, Spartan snorts in his stall) (Sighs) Spartan... Nothing's easy, is it? Georgie: Hey, so what's the new horse's name? Amy: Uh, Gypsy. Georgie: What's wrong with him? Ahmed bought him as a Grand Prix jumper and apparently he's inconsistent and uncooperative, and he wants me to fix him. Georgie: Sounds pretty simple. It's pretty much what you were doing on the tour, right? And you were obviously amazing at it. Amy: Thanks, Georgie. I just... I wasn't quite ready to get back work yet. Well, I read somewhere that you had an assistant while you were on the tour to help you with the horses and get them trained. Yeah, I did. So, I was thinking... maybe I could be your assistant. I'm a really hard worker. I can see that. Looks like you've been doing lots of work while I've been gone. Yeah, it's been fun. It took us a little while to get used to you not being here but it all kind of fell into place. That's good. (Sighs) [SCENE_BREAK] Caleb: Yup! (Cow moos) Yup! Yah! (Cow moos) Yah! Okay, let's see this horse of yours. Caleb: Yup! (Hooves thud) Whoa, whoa... Yup! (Cow moos) Yup! Not bad. It's got an innate ability. You see "innate ability." I can see it. Can you see "innate ability"? "Hot shots" would have a dozen buyers for that horse, but... I know you guys wanna go it alone. Good on you. Amy: Hey, Georgie? Have you seen the lunge line? Things have been moved around. I can't find a thing. Georgie: Oh, he's all warmed up and ready to go! And I've set up all the jumps like you asked me to. I hope it's okay. Canter! (Kissing sounds) Canter! (Gypsy grunts) (Rail clatters) (Hooves thud) (Heavy, slow motion thudding of hooves) (Rail clatters) (Tack jingles, Gypsy breathes hard) (Hooves thud lightly, Amy catches her breath) You know, it's really weird. He likes going over the tall jumps, but he's not even trying over the little ones. Why don't you try raising up the lower jumps? Georgie: Okay. Amy: And we'll see how that goes. (Hooves thud heavily) (Hooves thud, rail clatters) (Gypsy grunts) Amy: He's got lots of jump, but it's almost like he loses interest. Georgie: Don't worry, you'll figure him out. You always do. So what time should we start tomorrow? Is there anything I can do to prep? No. Georgie, you've already done enough. Lou: Hey, guys. Take a break. I got snacks inside. I can't. I gotta untack Gypsy. No, I can do it. It's okay. No way! I bet you never had to untack a horse while you were on the tour. You don't have to here either. Amy: (Sighs heavily) Lou: She's your number one fan. You know that. Like she idolizes you. Have you seen her bulletin board? Amy: Yes, I saw it. Amy: I know I should be flattered, but I just want things to go back to normal. You know... I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the old opinionated Georgie who didn't take anything from anyone and... Now, she thinks I have all the answers. It's a lot of pressure. You were all she wanted to talk about while you were away, Amy. She's just excited to have you home. Amy: Yeah, I know. Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I was thinking maybe we could take a drive, see what's for sale out there. Ty: (Sighs) Drive around in what? You know, I've been thinking, Amy, maybe I just give up on fixing it and I use some of the ranch money to buy a new one. Yeah. You could do that... But you fixed your truck before. Ty: Well, yeah, but it's full of third-hand parts; that's why it keeps stalling on me. Amy: So that's it? We're... We're just going to put that money into a new truck? Well, not all of it. But we're gonna stop looking for a new place? No! No, we can still look. But I'm not sure how long that's gonna take, and in the meantime, I gotta get this truck situation fixed. Amy, what's wrong? (Sighs) I love your old truck. And I guess I can't figure out why you're not more upset about losing this ranch. Wait a sec. What are you saying? I know the real estate agent dropped the ball... Yeah, they did. But, in a way, you did too. I mean, you never followed up, you never did anything, and you were here and I wasn't! Exactly! You weren't here, Amy! What does that matter? We could've bought the place four months ago. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't get a solid answer from you, and I sure as hell couldn't get a clear picture of where you stood... on anything! Lou. There is something I've been meaning to talk to you about. I probably should have months ago. Lou: Okay. Jack: You see, Lisa and I, we um... Well, we... (Runs water) Well, we kind of fell apart after my... my uh... Lou: Heart attack? Jack: Yeah, that. But we managed to patch things up. I know. Jack: And I realize that you're not always her biggest fan... Lou: Okay, that is not true. I really like Lisa. She just... Amy: You know what Ty wants to do? Lou: No I don't. Amy: He wants to buy a new truck! Buy it with part of the money that we were gonna use for the down payment. Jack: Oh, okay. I... am not getting involved in this. Lou: Amy... Ty needs a truck that runs. He's got- he's gotta get to school and to the vet clinic. What're you so mad about? 'Cause this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. How was it supposed to be? I was supposed to come home and we'd buy the ranch and settle down... Lou: Why are you guys in such a big rush to move? I don't get why you're so intent on buying a place. You know, you have a perfectly good home here. Oh, yeah? It doesn't feel like home. What is that supposed to mean? (Sighs heavily) It just feels different. Lou: Okay. Amy, look. You and Ty having this fight is perfectly normal. It's just re-entry pains. You know, Peter and I go through it all the time. The first night he gets back is awesome. The second day, we usually have a huge fight, and by the time he leaves we're fine again. It's... it's just a cycle. And it happens time after time, but it'll get better, okay? I promise. (Amy's phone chimes) (Amy sighs, phone chimes loudly) It's Ty. You should talk to him. (Phone beeps on) Amy: Hello? I'm sorry, too. (Sighs) I know, and I... I understand about the truck. I do. I've just been feeling kind of um... disconnected. Coming home just hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. (Birds chirp) (Gate clicks shut, low hum of chatter) Caleb: (Exhales sharply) Let's nail that guy. Caleb: Hollis! Man: Okay. See you. Hollis: Hey. Caleb: Just the man I wanted to see! Hollis: How's it going, Caleb? Caleb: It's great! So, uh, you can come by and see those horses of mine whenever you want. Ty: Just name the time. Caleb's done an incredible job with them. Caleb: I'm sure you'll be very impressed. Hey, uh, look, guys, um... I went with somebody else. Caleb: I thought you said that... Ty: Whoa, hold on a second. I thought we had a deal. Oh, come on. We didn't have a deal. All right, somebody gave me a better price for the same quality of horse. I mean, I can't fight that. Who gave you a better price? "Hot shots." (Door closes) Oh! What's that? Lisa: We are making the announcement tonight. It's time. Jack: Okay. Lisa: Okay. So I was thinking we would do it at dessert and then... pop a little bubbly. Jack: (Chuckles) Yeah. (Bottles and jars rattle) Tim: Hollis pursued me. I can't help that. Ty: Oh, really? You went behind our back, Tim! Yeah, well, that's business, boys, and it's a lesson you two should learn sooner rather than later. Now, take it from me, the voice of experience, you were overly optimistic. You put all your eggs in one basket. Rookie mistake. Aw... all right, here's the deal. If you want to join me in "Hot Shots," I'll consider it. Caleb: Yeah, uh... no. We don't need any help. (Low hum of chatter) Amy: Grandpa, can I talk to you about the barn? Jack: Sure! What's to talk about? Amy: Well, it's too small. I can't run a business out of it the way it is. Jack: Well, you've done pretty well so far. Amy: I don't even have room for Ahmed's horse and he cannot stay outside. Georgie: I can take Harley and Phoenix out. They don't need to be in the barn. Jack: You see? A solution right there. Amy: No! That is not a solution, okay? I have to be realistic. We need to build on. I... I made a bit of a name for myself in Europe, and I'm gonna be getting some pretty expensive horses in to train. I have to be prepared, grandpa. What would clients think bringing their high end animal to a four-stall barn. Jack: Well, it seems to me you've picked up some pretty high flown ideas over there. Amy: Whoa, whoa, whoa! High flown? Really? Tim: Hey! You two, it's open for discussion. Lisa: How about a little dessert? Can I get that going? Georgie: I'll get Amy's! Amy: I can get it myself, Georgie! (Door bangs shut) Lisa: Hi, Ty! Ty: Amy! Come on outside. I got something to show you. Ty: Come on! Amy: (Sighs) Ty: Look at this baby! The guy let me take it for a test drive. What do you think? Um... if that's what makes you happy then go for it. Ty: What're you talking about? Just last night you said that uh... What's the problem? Amy: Your old truck has so many memories for both of us and this... this is just a big, ugly, shiny hunk of metal! Lou: Amy, you're being... Amy: You know what, Lou? Just stay out of this, please. Ty: Okay. Amy, come on, we'll go for a spin. You'll see. I don't want to. Ty: Fine. I can't win here, can I? Lou: Amy... (Truck engine starts) Lou: What's wrong? Amy: This! All of this is wrong. I came home to an empty house and now, even with all of you here, it still feels empty. (Truck rumbles away) I just feel like I don't live here anymore. Jack: Amy, what's really going on here? Amy: I don't know. You know, I couldn't wait to come home and now that I'm here, I feel like I don't belong. And... and everyone... Has changed. Maybe so. But I think you've changed too. And I think it scares the heck out of you. Look, the experience you had over there was amazing and it's bound to have changed you. You and I, neither of us likes change. (Chuckles) If we had to admit it, I'd say we're kind of afraid of it. (Chuckles) But... Amy, things don't stay the same. And you going away, well... It did change things, yeah. But that's not a bad thing, it's just...different. You need to just go with it. Yeah. You know, Amy, this place doesn't run without you and we would never want it to. (Choked up) Okay. (Sniffling) (Crickets chirp outside) (Light knock) (Door clicks open) Can I come in? I wanted to apologize for snapping at you at dinner. It wasn't fair. And... you have been a huge help to me and I really appreciate it. (Crickets chirp) What's all that? Georgie: I know. Ty says I'm like some crazy stalker, but it was fun to follow you on the tour. It was almost like I was there. But I'm glad you're back home. Things can finally go back to normal. Hey, I am all for normal. You know, Georgie, just because I went on that tour, doesn't mean you have to treat me differently. I'm still just me. Not really. I mean, you used to love the barn the way it was. You never used to be ashamed of it before. Now there's the Georgie I know and love. Not afraid to call a spade a spade. Well, it was kind of snobby. Honestly, you do not know snobby. You should've met some of those people on that tour! So... can I still be your assistant? No. I don't need an assistant. You can still help me with Gypsy though, but as my partner. All right? Ty: Yeah, it's a great truck. (Truck rumbles nearby) I'll be by later to sign the papers. (Birds chirp, truck door opens) Okay. I'll see you then. (Door bangs shut) What? Tim been harassing you again? I think we made a mistake about Tim. I don't think so, buddy. I think we really need to take him up on his offer. What? Why? We, uh, we actually can't afford to board the horses at the rodeo grounds for more than a few weeks. Now, because Hollis turned us down, I mean, it could be months. We're over-extended. How? Are you sure? Caleb: Take a look at the bills. We need money. I don't think we have any other choice. Hey, Caleb, wait. Hold on a sec. We're not going with Tim. There's no way. I'll top up my investment with a loan. I don't need to buy this truck right now. Besides, I wouldn't have all this extra money if it wasn't for you, right? Are you sure? Yeah. What are business partners for? All right. (Hard pat) (Hooves thud softly) (Rail clatters) (Hooves thud softly, Amy sighs) Amy: You know... Georgie, maybe I should just let this go. Everyone, including myself, is making this horse do something that clearly he doesn't wanna do. Actually... You know what? I want to try one more thing. (Hard thud) Free jumping. (Pats Gypsy) All right, Gypsy, let's see what you've got. (Amy clucks her tongue, Gypsy thunders away) (Gypsy grunts) (Hooves thunder) (Gypsy grunts) Georgie: Whoa! That is amazing! Amy: Ahmed, Gypsy is incredible. We need to train him as a puissance horse. He loves to jump, just not the whole course. Just a single high jump. He has no fear. You have to keep him! Gah... I know. I know it's not the field you intended him to be in, but... No. No. I don't think he should be re-homed. Because what happens if they don't understand him? No. Ahmed, fine, I'll buy him then. Yes, I'm serious. Okay, call me back. (Phone beeps off) Georgie: Gypsy is amazing! He must have jumped 7 feet. He completely soared over those jumps. Jack: Wow... (Chuckling) Ty: Sorry to barge in here. Amy: (Sighs) Ty... Ty: Amy, I'm sorry. Amy: I'm sorry for being so horrible. Lou: Hey! Look what I found in the fridge. Whose is it? Amy, did you bring this back from France? Amy: Uh, no. Uh... I... I, um... we... Well, Lou, that is uh... Come on, Jack, your wife is chomping at the bit. Did you just say "wife"? Lisa: Mm-hmm. He sure did. So... you two... you guys are married. Like, actually married? Yeah, we are. Georgie: That is so cool! Lou: It is not cool! How could you not... Um... when? When did this happen? Jack: The day of the futurity race. That is months ago! Amy: Really?! Lou: How could you not tell us?! Tim: I knew. Lou: How did he know? I was his best man. You were not the best man. Lou: Wait, wait, wait! There was a wedding without us, but dad was there? Grandpa?! Lou, it wasn't like that. Lisa: Lou, you have to understand... Lou: No, no. I'm sorry, I-I don't understand. Tim: They wanted to keep it a secret. Mmm... Jack: Uh... wha... Amy: Well, congratulations. Ty: Yeah. Lisa: Thank you. Ty: Wow! Lou: Mm-hmm. Wow is right! Jack: Oh... Oh, you are perfect. How could you have done that? Lisa: Well, I'm glad he did. It was obvious you weren't gonna say anything about it at all. Jack: Lisa! Just wait! Lisa! (Tapping hood) Wait! (Jack catches his breath) Lisa: Do you regret marrying me? Are you ashamed of me? Jack: No! No nothing like that. (Door opens and closes) This was our thing, our moment. This was our secret for just the two of us. And the minute you start involving other people, there's expectations, opinions. You just saw for yourself what happened in there. That would not have happened in there if we'd told everybody sooner! And we should've told everybody right off the bat. It was wrong not to and that is my fault. No it's not; We made that decision together. But more importantly, are you glad you even did it? Be honest because... Because, Jack, standing with you in the snow with the lights, saying "I do," was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I need you to give me the ring. What do you mean? (Birds chirp) (Emotionally charged sigh of relief) Lisa Stillman, will you marry me? (Sighs) I don't know... (Laughs) (Whispers) Yes. Jack: Now that... is on there for good. No hiding it. (Giggles) ♪ We have to keep believing ♪ it's gonna be okay ♪ 'cause if we don't, we're lost ♪ ♪ maybe we're lost anyway ♪ I want to lift you up ♪ I want to make it great ♪ I want to be the boat ♪ that carries you 'cross the lake ♪ You know... if they can make their crazy long distance relationship work, we should be able to, too. Ty: Agreed. Amy: I should've never blamed you for losing the ranch. I've been thinking a lot about what you said and I shouldn't have gone on the tour the way that I did. It wasn't fair. You and I are partners, and if I could do it all over again, I would have never gone. It was a mistake. Ty: No, Amy, it wasn't a mistake. That was the opportunity of a lifetime. I just wish we could've done it together. Amy: Yeah, me, too. (Phone chimes) ♪ We have to keep believing (Amy chuckles) ♪ It's gonna be okay Ahmed. Oh my God. He wants me to keep Gypsy... as a gift. That's pretty generous. Why would he do that? Lou: How could you keep that from me, dad? Just tell me! How?! Tim: I made a promise. Lou: Oh, oh, so... ♪ But you have to let that go ♪ and trust that the sun will rise in the morning ♪ (Light clicks on) ♪ In the mor-or-or-or-orning ♪ woo-hoo-hoo-hoo... ♪ Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo... ♪ Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo... (In a whisper) Oh my God. (Laptop snaps shut, Georgie sighs heavily)

Plan: A: Heartland; Q: Where does Amy return to? A: her place; Q: Amy finds herself questioning what at the ranch? A: Ty; Q: Who is Amy questioning her relationship with? A: the family; Q: Who does Jack and Lisa struggle to tell about their marriage? A: Georgie; Q: Who becomes Amy's biggest fan? A: Ahmed; Q: Who did Amy almost kiss? A: their dream ranch; Q: What do Amy and Ty lose? Summary: Amy's return to Heartland goes wrong when she finds herself questioning her place at the ranch and her relationship with Ty. Jack and Lisa struggle to tell the family about their marriage. After following Amy's whereabouts on tour, Georgie becomes Amy's biggest fan until an online blog reveals a secret about Amy almost kissing Ahmed. Amy and Ty lose their dream ranch.

Ted from 2030: Kids, when Lily and Marshall started trying to have a baby, they went a little crazy. At the doctor Lily: We've been trying and trying, and still nothing's happened. I'm just worried we can't have children. Doctor: And how long have you been trying? Lily: Six days. Ted from 2030: But then, months went by, and still nothing happened. Lily: Something must be wrong. W... we're doing it a lot. Marshall: And everywhere... the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, outside in your wait... the kitchen. Lily: Seriously, Doc, why isn't this happening? Doctor: Look, if you're really worried, here is a number for a reproductive endocrinologist... Dr. Stangel. He's the best in the city. The Bar Marshall: Dr. John Stangel? I don't know, baby, do we really need a specialist? Lily: Well, what's your plan, Marshall, just have unprotected s*x day after day after day in every position imaginable until...? Wait, it sounded worse in my head. Barney: Guys, we've got a problem. This is the application for the regional doubles laser tag tournament in Poughkeepsie. Problem is, only one of you can be my partner. So it looks like we've got a bake-off. You may now present your arguments. Marshall: I'm not playing laser tag. Ted: I'm absolutely not playing laser tag. Marshall: Damn it. Barney: And Marshall's the winner. Lily: Well, I'm gonna call Dr. Stangel. It can't hurt. Ted from 2030: So Aunt Lily went to see Dr. John Stangel, the man who knew more about human reproduction than anyone in New York City. Stangel: So I understand you want to get pregnant. [OPENING CREDITS] The Bar Barney: Yeah, and it cuts in and out. Lily: Ooh! How did you do it? Barney: Oh, God, you found one of the cameras. I swear that's the only one. Wait, which one did you find? Lily: What are you talking about? Barney: What are you talking about? Lily: My visit to a certain Dr. Stangel. [FLASHBACK] Strangel: We'll look at all the factors that contribute to fertility: dietary, environmental, genetic. But first, Ms. Aldrin, do you have any questions for me? Lily: Just one, "Dr. Stangel". Where'd you get the beard? Strangel: Well, m... my mother's Armenian. [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: Lily, I've been with Barney since 9:00 a.m. Between the sexual harassment seminar all morning and the secretary beauty pageant all afternoon, he hasn't left my sight. Lily: Wait, so you weren't wearing a fake beard and examining girl parts all day? Barney: Not today I wasn't. Ted: Wow, we finally found Barney's doppelganger. I guess we can tell you now, Lily. That hot dog guy did not look like Barney. Lily: Uh, Marshall? Marshall: Yes, I know, we made our little deal with the universe, but... Lily: No, we've made a binding covenant with the universe. We said we weren't going to try to have kids until we saw Barney's doppelganger. Oh, this is bad news. This is like a black cat walked through my uterus. Okay, that's it. I am going back to Dr. Stangel and getting thoroughly checked out. Barney: Or... or cost-saving alternative: you could get checked out by someone who looks just like him. I'm gonna go scrub up. I'll meet you in stall three. At Dr Strangel's office Lily: I still kind of think it's Barney. Marshall: There's no way it's Barney. Stangel: Hello, you must be Mr. Eriksen. I am Dr. Stangel. Marshall: It's Barney. Wow. Really, dude, bravo. You almost got a peek. But seriously, what second-rate community theater did you get...? Stangel: Would you...? I... Marshall: So my wife and I are trying to get pregnant. Stangel: All right, Ms. Aldrin, please just put your feet up in the stirrups. We can begin. Lily: Uh-uh, no. Can't do it. Marshall: No, but, baby, I yanked on his beard. Stangel: He checks out. I really don't have time for this. Marshall: No, Barney... Doctor, wait, please, it's... Can you just give us a couple minutes? I... Lily, how can I convince you that this is not Barney? Barney: Wow, it is like looking into a poorly dressed mirror. Stangel: Okay, you have to go. Leave the model of the v*g1n*. Lily: Okay. Convinced. Stangel: Great. All right, you're a little low on the table. Please scoot up. Lily: "Suit up"... not convinced. This whole thing stinks to high heaven. Marshall: Baby, you just saw Barney. Lily: He could have pulled some crazy switch. Remember when his Swedish cousin came to visit? Marshall: Oh, yeah... Bjorney. Lily: Yeah, I'm sorry, but unless I see Barney at the same time, I... I'll never be sure that Dr. Stangel isn't him. (Later) Barney: How you doing, Lily?! Should I have a boner?! Strangel: Okay, we're all done. I'll call you in a few days with the results. Lily: Thank you. Barney: Hey, you don't mind if I take pictures, do you?! Lily: Can we leave him in here for a while? Strangel: I'm done for the day. You can leave him in here all night. Barney: Aw, yeah. Smile for the birdie, Lil! Gyno-mite! Ted from 2030: Now, while all this was going on, your Aunt Robin was starting her new job at World Wide News, aka the big leagues. She was excited. This job was a new start, a clean slate. The appartment Ted: So, first day of work? [FLASHBACK] Woman: Everyone, say hello to your new research associate Robin Scherbatsky. Robin: Hi, guys. Woman: Oh, here comes our new Hardfire host. Robin, this is Sandy Rivers. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Sandy Rivers?! Ted from 2030: Sandy Rivers... Robin's old co-host and my old nemesis. [FLASHBACK] Sandy: We should have s*x. [END OF FLAHBACK] Ted: Oh, I hate that guy. Robin: It gets worse. [FLASHBACK] Woman: Sandy, this is... Sandy: Robin. Woman: You two know each other? Sandy: Know each other? We've had s*x. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: You had s*x with Sandy Rivers? Robin: No! Ugh! And I can't believe it's my first day, and already I'm the girl who slept with the host of the show. Ted: Already? Were you planning on eventually sleeping with the host? Robin: Well, now that I know it's Sandy, I'm not. Marshall's and Lily's appartment Marshall: Hey, babe. Lily: Hi, honey. There's a couple messages on the machine. Your dad called. He wants to know if you have any sixes. Marshall: Yeah, uh, we got a game of "Go Fish" going on the phone. P.S., Pops, go fish. Who's the second message from? Lily: Dr. Stangel's office. I'm extremely fertile. Marshall: You're extremely fertile! Oh, my God. I told you there was nothing to worry about. I got to call my dad and tell him the good news. If you're fertile, um, then that means I'm the problem. The Bar Lily: Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem. Marshall: Well, I was just putting on a brave face. Okay, think about it: we've had unprotected s*x 203 times in the past four months. Obviously I'm the problem. Barney: Problem?! You can't get a girl pregnant. That's the dream. I'd give my firstborn to not be able to have children. (Robin arrives) Ted: So, second day of work? Lily: What's wrong? Ted: Oh, you didn't hear? She's the office slut. Lily: Already? Oh, honey. Robin: I wish I was the office slut. [FLASHBACK] Robin: And we can explore how those policy changes will affect Iraq. Sandy: Yes. We definitely had s*x. Robin: We did not have s*x. Sandy: Then why do I remember you? Robin: I don't know, maybe because I'm a smart, talented, professional. Sandy: No, none of those. Oh, I remember. We didn't have s*x. Robin: Thank you. Sandy: You're the girl who did the report on the carriage driver and slipped and fell in horse poop... Robin: We did have s*x. Sandy: Oh, I... I remember now. Gregory, do me a favor. Robin: But this reporter takes pride in... [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: And now everyone calls me Scherpoopie. It's not funny. Ted: Robin, a word of advice: play along. Okay, the more you fight it, the worse it's going to get. It's like when your car slides on ice, you steer into the skid. Barney: Exactly! Or when your... I don't know... friend invites you to a laser tag tournament, you don't fight it. You just strap on the vinyl holster and race into that abandoned JCPenney guns a-blazin'. I'm just agreeing with Ted. (Marshall's phone starts ringing) Marshall: Oh, it's my dad. Ted: Aren't you going to get it? Marshall: No, no, you know what? Um, I'm gonna get my stuff checked out first. I'll call my dad after Dr. Stangel gives me the thumbs up. Ted: He has to do that? Robin: But I thought you talk to your dad about everything. Marshall: I only like to call my dad with good news. I mean, telling him good news is what makes it feel real to me. [FLASHBACKS] Marshall: I'm getting married! Marvin: Yeah...! Marshall: I passed the bar! Marvin: All right! Marshall: I found an amazing Viking lamp that fits right on the coffee table, as long as we don't mind stepping over the cord. Marvin: That's what I'm talking about! Marshall: Right?! I found someone who can fix the Viking lamp! [END OF FLASHBACKS] Marshall: But the news that I might not be able to give him a grandchild? You know, like, I don't even know how to have that conversation. Barney: I'll show you. "Dad, there's, uh, there's something I need to tell you, and it's going to come as a bit of a shock to you, but here goes. You are speaking to the 2011 Tri-County Laser Tag Co-Champion". Marshall: Barney, I've already told... Barney: "Oh, and my sperm don't work. Yeah, yeah, the laser tag thing is awesome". [SCENE_BREAK] The appartment Ted: So, third day of work? [FLASHBACK] Robin: And the fertilizer is seeping into the ground water, causing... Sandy: Is Scherpoopie pitching a story about manure? Genius. Robin: Okay, yes, I, uh, I fell into some manure. It's hilarious, fine. In a five-year career of on-air reports, there are bound to be a few embarrassing moments. Sandy: A few? Robin: Uh, but in my case, it was just the one, and you found it, so, uh... Just the one. Sandy: Gregory. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Oh, God. What did they find? Robin: Everything. [FLASHBACK] Robin: *Everybody, come and play*... I'm a dirty, dirty girl... *Throw every last care away; Let's go to the mall today; Today, today*... The Federal Reserve Board voted to leave interest... * Let's go to the mall; Today; Let's go to the ma-a-all; Let's got to the mall today; Let's go to the ma-a-all; Today; Let's go to the mall; Today; Let's go to the ma-a-all; Today... ; Let's go to the mall... * [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: They even found the video of me getting attacked by an owl. Ted: You got attacked by an owl? Robin: I did not get attacked by an owl. Ted: Robin, listen, here's what you need to do... Robin: Okay, don't you dare tell me to steer into the skid, okay? It's too late. I'm already wrapped around a hydro pole. It's a Canadian telephone pole. I never should have taken this job. Ted from 2030: Kids, at that moment, I knew what I had to do for my friend Robin. But first I had to do something for me. Ted: Show me "owl attack". At Dr Stangel's office Marshall: I am freaking out. Is there a chance that I can't have kids? I've been hit in the nuts a lot. Stangel: Well, we won't know anything until we run some tests. We'll need a sample of your sperm. No, no, no. There's a room at the end of the hall. If you find yourself inside the elevator, you've gone too far. You'd think I wouldn't have to say that, but you'd be surprised. (Marshall goes out of the exam room and cross a man leaving the he is now entering) Man #1: All yours, buddy. The thing you're about to do in here... I did that in here, too. Three minutes ago. Man #2: I was here eight minutes ago. Man #3: 14 minutes ago. Man #4: I'm here every Thursday. Marshall: I can't do it, Doc. Is there, like, another option? Could I... Could I take this home? Stangel: Sure, you could, but, uh... we close in an hour and I'm not back till Tuesday. So, clock is ticking. Make it fast. Marshall: Only way I know how, Doc. Only way I know how. Marshall's and Lily's appartment Marvin: Surprise! Judy: Surprise! Marshall: Mom. Dad. Uh... What are you doing here? Judy: We hadn't heard from you in a couple days. We were worried about you. Marvin: For God's sake, son. Do you have any sixes? Marshall: Go fish. Excuse me. Hey, Lily, can I just talk to you in here for a minute? Lily: Oh, yeah. Isn't it great? They just showed up. Your mom's already rearranged my kitchen, organized my closet... and she asked me if I lost height. Not weight. Height. Marshall: Yeah, I'm very excited that they're here, too. But right now, I have to get excited about something else. Lily: Oh, okay. Well, I'll go handle your parents. And you handle your, well... Wait, wait, wait. Marshall. Marshall: Thank you, baby. You're the best. (Marshall is in the bathroom) Judy: Marshall. Marshall. I just got my new bathing suit for the beach this summer. It's a two-piece. I mean, can you imagine? Me in a two-piece bathing suit at my age? Just picture it! Picture it! Marvin: That's why Fred Cox is the greatest kicker the Vikings ever had. Seriously, Marshall, picture it. Just picture it. Marvin: Give me a "C". Give me an "O". Give me an "X". What's that spell? Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Ted: Uh... Okay, I did a bad thing last night. I looked up his address. Robin: Who? Ted: Sorry. You said "who". It reminded me of the owl footage. Genius. No. Sandy. How dare he laugh at you. Who does he think... Sorry. "Who". Anyway. I looked up his address in your contact list. Robin: Oh, God. Tell me you didn't go over there. Ted: I just thought he needed to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse. Robin: Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists. Ted: They're my feet. I'm actually more of a kicker. So I went to his apartment. [FLASHBACK] Sandy: Ah... You're not the pizza guy. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Oh, my God. This is... Ted: This is how you make sure Sandy never makes fun of you again. I told you to steer into the skid. That was bad advice. So new advice. Steer into Sandy, and run him down. Robin: If people found out Sandy wears a toupee... Ted: Really? That's your take-away? Nothing on the bear in the bra? Robin: Oh, no. He's very open about that. That's Gregory. Nice guy. Marshall's and Lily's appartment Judy: And the top is so low-cut. Your father says he has front-row seats to the Minnesota Twins. Oh. Oh. By the way, Marshall, we do need to know if you're coming to Florida this summer. Are you coming? Marshall? Marshall, are you coming? (Marshall opens the door steps out) Marshall: This isn't working. Marvin: Where you going, son? Marshall: I'm... I'm going to... I'm... I'm going to... Ted from 2030: Kids, to this day, your uncle Marshall is thankful for what Lily said next. Lily: He's going to m*st*rb*t*. Marshall: Lily! Lily: Marshall, just tell them what's going on. Ted from 2030: And so Marshall told his parents everything. Marshall: And so, now, I'm just scared that we won't be able to give you a grandchild. Judy: Aw, Marshall. Hey, we don't care about that one bit. And if you guys want kids, there are other ways. Adoption. Maybe you have a good friend who could loan you some sperm? Marshall: Aw, yeah. Maybe adoption. Marvin: What I'm saying is, we love you no matter what. Now, why don't you pretend you're in high school, get back in that bathroom, and "blow dry your hair". Marshall: Wait, you knew? Judy: We didn't have a hair dryer, dear. The appartment Ted: So? Possibly last day of work? Robin: Actually, it was a good day. [FLASHBACK] Sandy: And I need more numbers on how the holiday season impacted the economy. Sparkles, got anything on malls? Robin: Actually, Sandy, I have something I think you're all gonna want to see. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Yes! Put him in a body bag! Robin: Okay, I didn't do it. Ted: What? Robin: I didn't want to just viciously attack someone out of the blue like some kind of... Ted: Owl? Robin: Exactly. So, instead of taking your advice, I took your advice. Ted from 2030: That day, Robin decided to steer into the skid. And though she never quite shook the nickname, Sparkles went on to do very well at World Wide News. Especially after this happened. Ted from 2030: After his parents had gone back to Minnesota, Marshall got the results of his test. Stangel: I'm afraid I have some very bad news, Marshall. Judging from the results of your test, it is... it is very unlikely that you'll be able to father a child. Marshall: Oh, God. Stangel: I know, I know. Marshall: It's just... Stangel: Now... in some rare cases, a regimen change can fix the problem, so I'm recommending a spirited cardio routine. Preferably with a partner, involving any light-based firearm activity in the Tri-State area. Poughkeepsie, for example. Have you heard of the gentlemen's sport known as laser tag? Surprise! Marshall: Damn it, Barney! What are you doing in here? Barney: Think about it, Marshall. All entrants get 20% off at the snack bar! Oh, BT-dub, the receptionist. What's her situation? Stangel: Go! Well, Marshall. I've got your results. Marshall: And? Stangel: Your sperm is fine. The Bar Marshall: My sperm is fine! [FLASHBACK] Stangel: Count, motility... everything's off the charts. You, sir, have got some strong swimmers. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Bro, that is awesome. Motility five! Marshall: Hey, um, can I borrow your phone? I want to call my dad. Ted: Yeah, go ahead. [FLASHBACK] Marshall: Man, this is great. I was expecting bad news. I really was. [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: You're here! Oh, my God! I love you so much! Can you believe it? Lily: Marshall... Something's happened. Um... Your father, he had a heart attack. He... he didn't make it. Marshall: My dad's dead? I'm not ready for this.

Plan: A: Lily; Q: Who is having trouble getting pregnant? A: a reproduction specialist; Q: What kind of doctor does Lily and Marshall see? A: a surprise visit; Q: What do Marshall's parents pay him? A: both good and bad news; Q: What kind of news do Marshall and Lily receive? A: a laughing stock; Q: What is Robin made at her new job? Summary: Marshall and Lily see a reproduction specialist out of fear she will never get pregnant while Marshall's parents pay him a surprise visit. Their quest results in both good and bad news. Robin is made a laughing stock at her new job.

5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM IAN: Surely we've got our twelve minute lead still? DOCTOR: (Somberly.) I'm afraid not. It's down to eight. It will be reduced even further after our next landing. We must face the facts; the Daleks are closing in on us. [SCENE_BREAK] 2: VORTEX (The TARDIS journeys through vortex. Closer behind is the DALEK time machine.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. HOUSE. DOWNSTAIRS HALL (An eerie house. The fire in the main hall has two large closed eyes and a nose built into the stone above the mouth of the fireplace itself. The effect created is of an open mouthed hideous Gargoyle like creature. The sound of thunder crashes through the room. Next to the fireplace, near to a cobweb-covered candelabra, the TARDIS materialises. BARBARA steps out followed by IAN, VICKI and the DOCTOR. The main staircase of the house faces them. The ornate banisters begin and end with statues of figures holding up bowls on their heads from which emanates a strange mist.) BARBARA: I'm not wild about this place. IAN: I don't know...ideal place to fight Daleks, you know...good stout walls... (He walks over to the foot of the staircase.) an upper storey, stairs...Daleks don't like stairs. (IAN steps on the first stair that creaks underneath his foot. Suddenly the lights flicker and a bat flies out of the darkness and swoops towards the travellers as the thunder crashes again. BARBARA screams. The DOCTOR'S words of reassurance are drowned out by the thunder.) VICKI: (Covering her head.) Probably vampires, if you ask me. IAN: Oh, charming! DOCTOR: Oh, rubbish my child. Vampire bats are only to be found in South America. VICKI: Maybe that's where we are? DOCTOR: No, I don't think so. Judging by the, er, architecture, I should say, er, Central Europe. VICKI: Well, I'm with Barbara. I don't like it here, I think we should go. DOCTOR: Yes, in the normal, er...progress of time, m...my dear, I would say, er, ye...I would agree with you, but, erm, unfortunately we've got to face the Daleks and I think it's essential we take a look around. Let's try upstairs, hmm? (The DOCTOR steps on the first stair. Again it creaks, the lights flicker and the sound of more bats are heard.) BARBARA: (Frightened.) Well, you got if you want to, but I'm staying near the TARDIS. VICKI: Me too. DOCTOR: Oh, very well, stay where you are. We shan't be long. (He starts to climb the stairs. He turns as he sees that IAN isn't following. IAN takes the hint and repeats the reassurance to the girls.) IAN: Shan't be long. (He follows the DOCTOR and the two nervous women are left below, clutching each other.) BARBARA: Well Vicki, there's...there's really nothing to be scared of. (Stepping away.) This is...just an old house, it...we mustn't let our imaginations run away with us. (There is another crack of thunder. BARBARA rushes back to VICKI.) VICKI: No, you're quite right. We...we mustn't behave like children. BARBARA: No, we mustn't, now...come on, let's, erm, let's help the Doctor and look around down here. Erm, how about the fireplace? (As the thunder crashes again, they walk over to the fireplace. Suddenly the two stone eyelids rise open and two evil eyes light up. The women jump and nervously step away behind the TARDIS. They spot an old wooden chest.) VICKI: Look at that. (They step over to it.) VICKI: What do you suppose is inside it? (BARBARA is about to open it when they hear an evil laugh echo through the room. They open the chest. It is empty.) VICKI: (Relieved.) Oh! (The two women laugh. BARBARA shuts the chest. Suddenly a skeleton drops down between them. They scream...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. HOUSE. LANDING (The DOCTOR and IAN walk along a tapestry-covered landing. There is a crack of thunder. IAN stops, having heard the women scream.) IAN: What was that? DOCTOR: Oh, it's just thunder, dear boy. IAN: No, no, no, the noise before that. DOCTOR: Oh, rubbish, there was no noise before that! Come along, come along. (Laughs.) (The DOCTOR walks off. IAN pauses...and the ghost of a GREY LADY walks through him. IAN sees nothing but shivers as the apparition passes through. He looks around, then walks on to the end of the landing. Next to a suit of armour is a doorway through which the DOCTOR is looking. Beyond are some steps leading down to a room which is full of scientific equipment and a table, the contents of which are covered with a large cloth.) IAN: What have you found now? DOCTOR: Well, it looks...it looks like a laboratory to me. Look at all that equipment down there, hmm? IAN: Doctor, I think we'd better check on Barbara and Vicki. DOCTOR: Oh nonsense, we've only just left them, dear boy, hmm? Now, I must see what's on that table. (The DOCTOR walks down the steps.) IAN: Must you? I'd really rather not know. DOCTOR: You don't mean that, do you? Where's your spirit of adventure, mm? (Laughs.) IAN: It died a slow and painful death when those bats came out of the rafters. DOCTOR: Very well then, stay where you are! Mmm? Stay where you are! (Laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. HOUSE. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR walks down the stone steps into the laboratory. Despite his misgivings, IAN follows. As they reach the base of the steps, the cloth falls back as a bandaged-covered figure rises from the table - it is FRANKENSTEIN'S monster! The DOCTOR starts to run back up the steps. IAN stands mesmerised as the monster starts to throw back the cloth and rise.) DOCTOR: I say, I think we'd better check where Vicki and Barbara is! (The monster stands. IAN needs no second bidding and hastily follows the DOCTOR. Once the two men have gone, FRANKENSTEIN'S monster falls back to the table and lies down.) VICKI: (OOV.) What's that in aid of? [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. HOUSE. DOWNSTAIRS HALL (VICKI and BARBARA are waiting at the base of the stairs.) VICKI: And what's that in aid of? (BARBARA nervously quotes from John Donne's "Devotions upon emergent occasions".) BARBARA: "And therefore never send to know, for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee"! (BARBARA looks round.) BARBARA: I feel as though my hair's turned white! VICKI: It has as a matter of fact. BARBARA: What! VICKI: (Smiling, walking over to BARBARA.) It's all right though. It quite suits you. BARBARA: Oh Vicki! (Behind them, a familiar form in a cloak walks out of a doorway. It speaks, in a strange disembodied voice - as though it were a recording.) COUNT DRACULA: Good evening. (The women gasp and spin round.) VICKI: (Nervously.) Good...evening! BARBARA: (Also nervous.) Who are you? (The figure doesn't speak for a moment. Then it raises a hand in a robotic fashion and speaks - again in a disembodied style, its lips not fully synchronised with its speech.) COUNT DRACULA: I am Count Dracula! BARBARA: (Amazed and horrified.) But...you can't be, I mean, not...not really! (In answer, DRACULA just walks away through the hidden doorway.) VICKI: He's gone. Thank goodness for that anyway. BARBARA: Vicki...do...do you think there's something strange going on around here? VICKI: (Sarcastically.) Oh no! BARBARA: T...What...Why did he go away so quickly? (BARBARA goes over to the hidden and now closed doorway. She tries to find it again.) BARBARA: Well, I can't seem to open it from this side. Vicki, do you supp... (BARBARA turns round. VICKI is nowhere to be seen.) BARBARA: Vicki? Vicki, where are you? (BARBARA backs along the wall. Suddenly, she sees the GREY LADY above her on the landing. She gives out a banshee type cry. BARBARA looks up in terror and back into an alcove - which turns on a pivot, taking BARBARA with it. She screams as she disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. HOUSE. CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR and IAN stumble along a darkened corridor, the DOCTOR finding the way with his pen torch. The two men stumble into each other.) IAN: Oh! (The DOCTOR jumps and spins round to him, then sees who it is.) IAN: Oh, there's one thing about this place, Doctor; it certainly stimulates the phagocytes. DOCTOR: Hmm. Hmm? IAN: The phago...? (He shakes his head.) You know, it's...it's uncanny, strange and weird, but... DOCTOR: Mmm. IAN: ...it is familiar! DOCTOR: Yes, that's the word, dear boy, familiar! You know when I was coming down those stairs, I knew that thing was going to move, hmm? I knew it! (Laughs.) IAN: Oh, did you? I didn't notice you standing around to check your premonition. DOCTOR: I never stay where I'm not wanted. Come along. (They walk on...) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. INT. HOUSE. LANDING (...and onto the landing.) DOCTOR: Huh! Pre-conditioned - that's it! Pre-conditioned! IAN: What are you talking about? DOCTOR: This house is exactly what you would expect in a nightmare! Yes, we're in a world of dreams; creaking doors, thunder and lightning, monsters and all the things that go bumpety bumpety in the night! Hmm? IAN: With one vital difference, Doctor. DOCTOR: Hmm? IAN: This house is real. It exists. DOCTOR: Yes...yes, it exists - in the dark recesses of the human minds. Millions of people secretly believing! Think of the immense power of all these people, combined together, makes this place become a reality, hmm? (Laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. HOUSE. DOWNSTAIRS HALL (They step to the top of the stairs.) IAN: Then we're safe! DOCTOR: Safe? What on earth do you mean, dear boy? IAN: But the Daleks can't touch us here? Not in the human mind? DOCTOR: You know I believe you're right. Yes! The Daleks can never land here! Ha ha! (They start to run down the stairs. As they reach the bottom step...) IAN: Woah! (...they tread carefully. Again the step creaks, setting off the noise of the bats. They pause listening, then IAN notices the obvious.) IAN: The girls have gone. (The DOCTOR steps over to the TARDIS, opens the door and shouts inside.) DOCTOR: Vicki! (He shuts the door and shouts round.) Barb... (He crosses to IAN.) DOCTOR: Perhaps they followed us upstairs, hmm? (They walk back up the stairs. Behind them in the hall, the DALEK time machine materialises.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. DALEK TIME MACHINE. MAIN CHAMBER (An image of the downstairs hall of the house appears in the middle of one of the spinning concentric patterns.) FIRST DALEK: The enemy time machine is here. We have caught them. SECOND DALEK: Which planet are we on. FIRST DALEK: Earth. They only changed their geographical and time location. THIRD DALEK: This time they will not elude us. Already the search force is disembarking. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. HOUSE. DOWNSTAIRS HALL (Two DALEKS glide out of the time machine.) FOURTH DALEK: Search. I shall remain here in case they return. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. HOUSE. LANDING IAN: Where are those girls, Doctor? Well we would have seen them if they were upstairs. (He looks and points towards the stairs leading to the laboratory.) IAN: Hadn't we better take another look down there? DOCTOR: Had we? IAN: Afraid so. DOCTOR: (Nervously.) Well, er, after you, dear boy! Mmm. IAN: No, after you! (The DOCTOR starts down.) IAN: Wait for me. (He follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. HOUSE. LABORATORY DOCTOR: Shh! Someone's coming. IAN: Well, take cover! (They run down the stairs. IAN stops as he sees a DALEK in a small passage leading off the laboratory.) DALEK: Where are the time travellers? IAN: The time travellers? They're... (IAN quickly pulls down a portcullis that divides the passage from the laboratory. The DALEK starts to push and rattle the portcullis. The two men start to leave the laboratory but suddenly the form of FRANKENSTEIN'S monster sits up on the table.) DALEK: Do not move! (The monster gets off the table.) DOCTOR: The TARDIS! Quick! (The two men run out of the room.) DALEK: Do not move! I am a Dalek! (The monster walks towards the DALEK. It fires on the creature who staggers back but regains its balance and carries on towards the DALEK.) DALEK: We are invincible! (The monster raises the portcullis and starts the attack the DALEK.) DALEK: Stop! Stop! Ahh! Ahh! [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. HOUSE. DOWNSTAIRS HALL (The DOCTOR and IAN rush down the main staircase. VICKI runs forward.) VICKI: Oh, there you are! IAN: Vicki... DOCTOR: Well where have you both been, eh? VICKI: We climbed through a secret tunnel straight down... IAN: (Interrupting.) There's no time to tell us now. The Daleks are here. BARBARA: Daleks! IAN: Yes. VICKI: Look out! (On the other side of the hallway is a DALEK.) FOURTH DALEK: Halt! You will be exterminated! (Behind it, the form of COUNT DRACULA again steps out of the hidden doorway and speaks again in a disembodied voice.) COUNT DRACULA: Good evening! (The DALEK turns round to look at it.) IAN: Quick! Into the TARDIS while we've still got a chance! (The DOCTOR, IAN and BARBARA rush for the TARDIS. VICKI stops to shout out a warning to COUNT DRACULA.) VICKI: Look out, he'll kill you! You'll be killed! (The DALEK fires at DRACULA. The figure is bathed in the rays but fails to fall.) COUNT DRACULA: I...am...Count...Dracula. (It turns to leave. VICKI makes a run for the TARDIS but is quickly surrounded by more DALEKS. The TARDIS starts to dematerialise.) FOURTH DALEK: Eradicate her! (The form of FRANKENSTEIN'S monster steps out of a doorway. A DALEK turns to face it. The TARDIS fades away. FRANKENSTEIN'S monster starts to pick up a DALEK.) FOURTH DALEK: Obliterate. (COUNT DRACULA walks forward again.) COUNT DRACULA: I...am...Count...Dracula. (The FOURTH DALEK spins round. Realising that it has failed to exterminate the creature, it starts to back away. DRACULA walks forward in a robotic fashion and starts to repeat...) COUNT DRACULA: Don't go. Don't go. Don't go. (FRANKENSTEIN'S monster lifts the DALEK above his head into the air...) COUNT DRACULA: Don't go. Don't go. (...and dashes it to the ground.) COUNT DRACULA: Don't go. (The GREY LADY appears on the landing and again gives out her wail.) COUNT DRACULA: Don't go. Don't go. (Another DALEK fires on the GREY LADY as FRANKENSTEIN'S monster starts to pound at its victim.) COUNT DRACULA: Don't go. (The GREY LADY is as unaffected as her companions by the DALEK fire power. She laughs. VICKI takes advantage of the confusion to dash into the DALEK time machine.) FIFTH DALEK: Embark at once! FOURTH DALEK: At once! FIFTH DALEK: Yes! Embark! FOURTH DALEK: Embark! At once! DALEKS: Embark! Embark! Embark! Embark! (The DALEKS cautiously glide past FRANKENSTEIN'S monster as it finishes off its victim and into their time machine.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The time path detector continues to bleep.) IAN: This game of hide and seek through time is wearing a little thin now. DOCTOR: Game? (Laughs.) IAN: What an extraordinary place, eh? More spooks in a square mile than the Tower of London. DOCTOR: Yeah... IAN: You know that theory of yours... DOCTOR: Theory, my dear boy? Fact - I am convinced that that house was neither tame...time nor space. We were lodged for a period...in an area of human thought. IAN: And were the Daleks lodging too? DOCTOR: Oh, I don't want to enter into it... IAN: Oh, no, no, no! DOCTOR: (To himself.) A discussion with him! Oh! IAN: Have it your own way. I think there's a much simpler explanation. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. HOUSE. DOWNSTAIRS HALL (On one side of the hall, hidden by a wall, stands a ticket booth. A sign proclaims "FESTIVAL of GHANA 1996" but another sign across the window of the booth states "CANCELLED BY PEKING". The base of the booth advertises this particular attraction - "FRANKENSTEIN'S HOUSE OF HORRORS" - PRICE $10".) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR continues to make further adjustments to his machine. IAN walks over.) IAN: Well, how's this box of tricks coming along, Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh, necessarily crude, dear boy. I haven't time to perf...to perfect anything. IAN: Oh, when's it going to be operational, eh? DOCTOR: You know just as much about that as I do. IAN: Oh Doctor, we can't go on like this, can we? We've given them the slip once or twice but sooner or later we're going to have to settle with them. DOCTOR: Oh, I quite agree with you. Running away won't solve our problem. But as soon as we've reached the final decision, to stand and fight, they'll be no turning back. It'll either be them...or us. Hmm? (BARBARA walks in with four drinks.) BARBARA: Here we are. DOCTOR: Oh, my dear, very welcome. IAN: (Almost dropping his.) Woah, thanks. DOCTOR: Thank you. BARBARA: (Looking round.) Where's Vicki? DOCTOR: (Worried.) But I thought she was with you? [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. DALEK TIME MACHINE. MAIN CHAMBER FIRST DALEK: We are locked in pursuit course. SECOND DALEK: Calculate destination of enemy time machine. (The DALEK looks at a series of three changing numbers below a scanner screen.) FIRST DALEK: Report. THIRD DALEK: The enemy is approaching the planet Mechanus. SECOND DALEK: Contact Skaro. Report our destination to the Dalek Supreme. FIRST DALEK: I obey. (The FIRST DALEK glides away. The SECOND and THIRD DALEKS glide towards a doorway leading to a second chamber. A FOURTH DALEK waits by the doorway.) SECOND DALEK: Is the reproducer repaired? FOURTH DALEK: We await your orders. THIRD DALEK: Manufacture will commence at once. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. DALEK TIME MACHINE. SECOND CHAMBER (The DALEKS glide into a chamber, one wall of which is dominated by a large upright cylindrical machine.) SECOND DALEK: Which if the four humans is to be re-produced? FOURTH DALEK: Their leader - the one they call "Doctor". Is the re-producer programmed? THIRD DALEK: All is in readiness. Photo images and relevant data are in the computer. The humanoid will be completed by the time we arrive at our destination. FOURTH DALEK: Excellent. Commence operations, then assemble at cell renovator chamber. SECOND DALEK: We obey! THIRD DALEK: Of course. (They glide out of the room. One glides suddenly back and watches as the two halves of the cylindrical machine slide open, revealing a glass doorway within. It glides out again...and VICKI comes out of hiding from an alcove. She looks through the glass doorway but all is opaque. She walks over to a nearby wall of machinery which seems to be a transmitter. She switches it on and it crackles into life.) VICKI: TARDIS, hello. TARDIS? Come in please. Over. (Static is heard.) VICKI: Hello, TARDIS. Doctor? Somebody, please help me. Get me out of this. TARDIS! TARDIS! (There is no response. She walks back over to the glass doorway. A still figure can now be seen within the smoky interior - it seems to be the DOCTOR!.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The travellers pace the console room , worried by the realisation that they have left VICKI behind.) DOCTOR: It's my fault. All my own stupid fault. I shouldn't have moved the TARDIS. I have should have checked up first to make sure that everybody was inside. I shall never forgive myself! IAN: Oh, no Doctor, don't blame yourself. We're all equally to blame. I was convinced she was on-board. BARBARA: Isn't there anything we can do? Is there no way of going back for Vicki. DOCTOR: (Angrily.) You don't think I'd be standing here doing nothing do you, if there were, hmm? We're helpless...and you of all people should know that the TARDIS can't land in the same time and place twice! IAN: Doctor, shut up! (Quietly.) We've never stayed long enough in any one place to repair the time mechanism of the TARDIS. If we did, is there a chance of going back for Vicki? DOCTOR: Yes, of course, it's possible but it might take months, even years. BARBARA: But Doctor, if we all worked together, if...if Ian and I helped you, surely it's worth a try? DOCTOR: Yes, my dear, I know it's worth a try but you don't think the Daleks are going to sit back and allow us to tinker do you? They're right on our tracks. Their one aim is to destroy. IAN: (Thinks, then, to himself...) The Dalek time machine! Of course! (To the DOCTOR.) Doctor, I've got it. We can't go back for Vicki in the TARDIS, but we can in the Daleks own time machine. DOCTOR: Do you mean...capture their machine? IAN: Why not? BARBARA: Well, that would take some doing. IAN: It's the only chance we've got, otherwise we'll never see Vicki again. DOCTOR: If we can only pull it off. BARBARA: Doctor, we have nothing to lose...and now we have even more reason to stop and fight. IAN: What do you say, Doctor? DOCTOR: I say yes, yes, yes! Our next landing will be our battle ground and we shall fight. We shall fight to the death! [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. DALEK TIME MACHINE. SECOND CHAMBER (VICKI is trying the transmitter again...) VICKI: TARDIS? Somebody hear me. TARDIS! TARDIS! [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. DALEK TIME MACHINE. MAIN CHAMBER FIRST DALEK: Report position of enemy machine. SECOND DALEK: It's movement through time is ending. THIRD DALEK: It is approaching the planet Mechanus. FIRST DALEK: How long before we reach them? FOURTH DALEK: Er, er, in earth time, er, four minutes. FIRST DALEK: There is much to do. (The DALEKS glide into the second chamber.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. DALEK TIME MACHINE. SECOND CHAMBER FIRST DALEK: Is the humanoid robot complete? THIRD DALEK: The computer is feeding its memory cells with data. SECOND DALEK: Physical characteristics are completed. Energy cells fully charged. FOURTH DALEK: Micro-units containing personality and vocal mannerisms are charged. FIRST DALEK: Prepare to activate. (A DALEK turns to a console.) FIRST DALEK: Activate the robot. (Within the machine the ROBOT DOCTOR, complete with walking stick, moves and pushes open the door. VICKI watches in horror.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. MECHANUS. JUNGLE (NIGHT) (The destination of the pursued and their pursuers is dark with a thick growth of trees and a misty wet ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The travellers see this image on the scanner.) IAN: Ah, looks swampy. DOCTOR: Yes, all to the good, my boy. This sort of terrain is going to make it very difficult for the Daleks. (Laughs.) IAN: Yes. Well, we won't have long to explore, Doctor, before the Daleks arrive so lets get moving. (IAN picks up the DOCTOR'S machine.) DOCTOR: Yes, you are perfectly correct, perfectly correct. However, it doesn't matter about the appearances. It's quite safe to go outside. IAN: Good. (The DOCTOR opens the doors and joins the two teachers in looking through the open doorway to the outside.) BARBARA: Just look at that vegetation. IAN: Yes. Just as though it were alive. DOCTOR: Alive! Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. DALEK TIME MACHINE. SECOND CHAMBER FIRST DALEK: Success! Paramount success! It is impossible to distinguish from the original. (A DALEK glides forward.) FOURTH DALEK: We have landed on the planet Mechanus. FIRST DALEK: Operate ramp control. Activate robot power source. (After a pause, the ROBOT DOCTOR jauntily steps out of the machine and stands in front of its creators.) FIRST DALEK: Your orders are understood? You will infiltrate and kill. DALEKS: Infiltrate and kill! (The ROBOT speaks, its voice and inflexions a perfect match of the DOCTOR'S.) ROBOT DOCTOR: Understand? Of course I understand, my dear fellow. (It gives a wave of its arm.) Don't fuss so! I am to infiltrate and kill, infiltrate and kill!

Plan: A: their trail; Q: What are the Daleks on? A: the TARDIS; Q: What do the travellers flee in? A: the desert planet Aridius; Q: Where does the chase begin? A: stopping-off points; Q: What are the places the chase takes in called? A: a futuristic fun-fair attraction; Q: What is the haunted house? A: the jungle planet Mechanus; Q: Where do the Daleks and the Doctor's party meet? A: a robotic double; Q: What do the Daleks use to try to kill the Doctor? A: Mechonoids; Q: Who were the robots sent to prepare landing sites for human colonists? A: Steven Taylor; Q: Who has been the Mechonoids' captive for the past two years? A: their mutual destruction; Q: What happens to the Daleks and the Mechonoids? A: The Doctor; Q: Who helps Ian and Barbara return home? A: the Daleks' time machine; Q: What do the Doctor and his companions use to return home? Summary: The travellers learn from the Time-Space Visualiser taken from theMoroks' museum that Daleks equipped with their own time machine are on their trail with orders to exterminate them. They flee in the TARDIS. The chase begins on the desert planet Aridius and takes in a number of stopping-off points, including a spooky haunted house which is actually a futuristic fun-fair attraction. Eventually both time machines arrive on the jungle planet Mechanus, where the Daleks try to infiltrate and kill the Doctor's party with a robotic double of him. The travellers are taken prisoner by the Mechonoids - robots sent some fifty years earlier to prepare landing sites for human colonists who never arrived - and meet Steven Taylor, a stranded astronaut who has been the Mechonoids' captive for the past two years. The Daleks and the Mechonoids engage in a fierce battle which ends in their mutual destruction. The Doctor's party seizes this opportunity to escape. The Doctor reluctantly helps Ian and Barbara to use the Daleks' time machine to return home.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Boyd: It's a down payment on a house, Ava... Anywhere you want it. Ava: You and me... We killed a man. We dumped his body down a mine shaft without ceremony. I sunk a man was shot right in front of me down a splinter shaft off Black Lick Road. Ava: You think telling this girl what you done, that cleans your slate? Cassie: You kill her, you got to kill me, too. You willing to have two murders on your head? Ava: You got no idea what I'm willing to do. Boyd: I understand, Ava, why you needed to do it the way that you did it. There's still one more move we can make. And we get rid of Delroy's body once and for all. This is my world. And my world has a high cost of living. How much do you want? Boyd: A hundred. Thousand? Boyd: Each. What has your God told you to do, Mr. Augustine? Kill Drew Thompson. Boyd: Well, if you want Drew Thompson, you'll need Raylan Givens. And if you want Raylan Givens, you'll need me. Raylan, old friend? Raylan: Hold your fire. Drew's not here. You want to come in, take a look... Boyd, want to send a message to you and the boys you're working for from Detroit. You lost. Give up. Go home. Was that the marshal in the hat? Boyd: It was. What was his name? Boyd: Raylan Givens. We got to go. Art: Congratulations. Nice work. And you're suspended. Art: So, Drew Thompson and Ellen May taken care of, huh? Raylan: Drew's on his way to the safe house. We're gonna put Ellen May up in a little no-tell motel till we figure out what to do with her. Art: Well, good. And what's this? Raylan: Paperwork's all done. All is right with the world. Art: You're sure? Raylan: I'm sure. Art: There's not just one more thing you need to do before I suspend you? Raylan: No, I think I'm good. Art: [ Breathes deeply ] That was supposed to be withering sarcasm. Raylan: Because I'm thorough? Because I like to see things through? Art: I think maybe it's because you'd rather face a gun thug than, say, go to a birthing class. Raylan: Well... I'm gonna start testing that theory right now. Art: Mm. Raylan: Got a call from Winona... Something about two rocking chairs, and we already had one. Art: How many rocking chairs does a woman need? Raylan: Apparently, I'm about to find out. Art: Well, consider yourself suspended. Raylan: Much obliged. That guy you shot... you good? Tim: He called it. Raylan: Well, if you need someone to talk to... you got Rachel. Tim: I got Rachel. Rachel: No pink. Raylan: I beg your pardon? Rachel: Baby's nursery... you want to stay away from pink. Raylan: I'll keep that in mind. Tim: I could have told him that. That's everything on the list. Boyd: You check the light on your helmet? Yeah. Good to go. How deep we gonna have to get? Boyd: Well, it doglegs left about 150... Gotta figure that's where we'll find him. 150 feet? Boyd: What... you afraid of falling? I'd be more scared of it falling in on you. sh1t, Boyd. When's the last time this thing was mined? Boyd: I'd put it this way... My daddy's granddaddy was the last person on the payroll to walk out of that mine. Ava: Baby. Can I have a word? Boyd: You got this? Yeah. Ava: You always said moving a body was a real good way of getting caught. Boyd: Well, that's why it's only an option when you have no other option. It's a bird in hand, Ava. Jimmy? Jimmy, we gotta go. Lock and load. [ Boards creaking ] [ Debris falling ] Whoa. What do you got? Located 10-7, in advanced decomp. Gonna need a coroner's bag, a shovel, and, uh... A lot of rope. Ava: Boyd? [ Engine shuts off ] Boyd: Stay here. Mooney. What's going on? I think you know what's going on, Boyd. KSP passed us a tip about a body in a mine shaft. Boyd: Well, there's always rumors about that sort of thing. This ain't a rumor. Boyd: Well, looks like I picked the wrong day for a picnic. [ Van door slams ] [ Engine turns over ] Ava: What do we do? Raylan: [ Sighs ] [ Doorbell rings ] [ Knock on door ] Gayle! Winona! You guys left the, uh... You must be Raylan. Raylan. Let's talk about how to keep this from being the worst day of your life. ♪ On this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul ♪ ♪ God get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard ♪ ♪ fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪ You know this thing has night vision? Makes sense... I mean... I mean, how else you gonna watch the kid sleep? When are you supposed to sleep? You're sure this is all he had? 'Course I'm sure. It's not like the first time I frisked a guy. One gun in his belt? No... no holster? No backup piece? No badge, either. Raylan: I've been suspended. For doing what? Raylan: My job, mostly. [ Sighs ] No wonder the Chinese are kicking our ass. They expect you to stay up all night glued to this thing, watch the kid's chest go up and down? Winona: I guess they assume you'll do anything to keep your kid safe. Ooh. [ Chuckling ] Girl's got some balls on her, Raylan... Threatening us without threatening us. You know what she said earlier? If we're gone before you arrive, we might live through the day. Raylan: Well... that's why I love her. I'm glad to hear you say that, 'cause the thing we need you to do for us requires a little acting. Sounds like you won't need to search too hard for your, uh, motivation. Raylan: Well, good. Have you seen "The Friends of Eddie Coyle"? The stickup crew in that movie, the guys that Mitchum buys the guns for... Raylan: Moe Greene and one of the fellas from "Rockford Files." Remember how they'd bust into a bank manager's house, leave one man there while the bank manager drives the rest of the crew to his branch, lets them into the vault? Guy hits the alarm, his family dies. Tries to signal someone, they die. Everything goes smooth, guy gets his family back. They drive off and count their money. Raylan: You guys saying we're gonna go rob a bank? Shelby Parlow. Raylan: We're gonna rob Shelby? [ Grunts ] Hey. Asshole. How's he gonna get us into the safe house if it looks like he's just been worked over? I'm just supposed to stand here while he runs his mouth? Just hit him in the gut next time or the balls. No. We're not gonna rob anybody. You're gonna take us to where you're keeping Shelby... Raylan: Ohh. Get whoever's guarding him to open the door. Then we're gonna go in and do what needs doing. Cobb will stay here with Ms. Hawkins. Anything goes wrong, he kills her. Slow. Maybe tears the baby out, kills it separate. How'd he blow it with you, anyway? Winona: Oh, you'll understand if I'm not really in a sharing place right now. Oh, man. Don't tell me he stepped out on you. Winona: I'm not gonna tell you anything. Raylan: I'm afraid you're wasting your time. I can't help you. All you boys can do now is make things worse for yourselves. If I were you, I'd drop my gun, lay down on my tummy, and put my hands behind my head. You would, huh? Raylan: I would if I were you. If I were him, I'd just work on reading that little book without having to move my lips. [ Grunts, gasps ] Winona: [ Screaming ] Ah! J... think it through, now. Huh? Winona: [ Whimpers ] Even if you get me, it won't solve your problem. You think this beard makes me Santa? I'm an elf. You don't get me to Shelby, all of you... Her, the baby... You're all on Nicky's list, marked for life. Winona: [ Panting ] Huh? All right. [ Gunshot ] [ Grunts ] Winona: [ Screams ] [ Panting ] Ava: I don't want to go someplace and start over. But there's nothing left to do but run. Boyd: Baby, you ain't goin' anywhere without me. [ Smooches ] Ava: I'm not saying I want to. Boyd: Truth be told, Ava, the world being what it is today... [ Sighs ] I don't know where we would go that they wouldn't find us. [ Sighs ] Well, it could be I have one more card to play. Ava: Boyd, they got Delroy's body. Boyd: They think they got Delroy's body. Art: Well, there's no I.D's on any of them. We'll have to wait for prints. Raylan: They ain't my problem anymore. Art: Clearly. Raylan: It's this guy who sent them I'm concerned about... This Nicky fella. Nicky Augustine. Raylan: Oh, good. You're familiar? More than I'd like to be. Raylan: You want to tell me where I could find him? Deputy, I'm just here to make sure the t's get dotted and nothing happens to our case against Theo Tonin. Raylan: Theo Tonin? Mm-hmm. Raylan: We ain't talkin' about him. This has got nothing to do with him. Art: We know. Raylan: What do we know? Art: Theo Tonin flew to Tunisia a couple days ago. Raylan: Oh. Topless beaches and no extradition. Fun for him. Art: Sounds like he's taking an early retirement. Raylan: You say that like it's supposed to make me feel better. Art: Well, it is. Sammy's his next-in-line, and apparently, he and Nicky aren't real fond of each other. It's all very Shakespearean. Raylan: You're saying Sammy is gonna set this right? Art: Well, either he will or maybe some of your fellow federal-law-enforcement officials. Raylan: Sammy's a punk. Sammy's scared of his own shadow 'cause his shadow could kick his ass. Art: Yeah, Raylan, but he's not this, and he's not going to accept Nicky as his number 2. Raylan: Nicky will eat him alive. Art: You don't even know Nicky. Raylan: I know what he is. And I know what it means once you're on his list. You know so much... Tell me I'm wrong. Thank you. You can go now. Get a pencil. Do whatever lawyers do. I got it. Art: David, just give us a second here. Raylan: Art, don't try to tell me I can't work this case because I've been suspended. Art: Well, you have been suspended. Raylan: Look around. Art: But that's not why you can't work this case. Raylan: They're wheeling bodies out of my kid's goddamn nursery. Art: That's why. Raylan: Fine. And when Nicky makes good on his threat to kill Winona and the baby, that's gonna be on you. Art: Raylan, I can't imagine what you're going through. I really can't. And I feel for you. But just so we're clear... If you go after Nicky... don't bother coming back. Raylan: Everything okay? Winona: No. Raylan: What's wrong? The baby? Winona: No, the baby's fine. I'm fine. But everything is not okay. Raylan: Can you give us a sec? [ Door closes ] Winona: He said we're on "the list." Raylan: That was bullshit. Winona: How do you know? Raylan: He was just trying to scare you. Winona: Oh, well, it worked. Raylan: Listen to me. Everything... you are gonna be fine. I promise. Winona: I am having a hard enough time dealing with this, Raylan, without you coming in here and lying to me. Raylan: We're gonna take you to a hotel. Winona: Do I get a protection detail or Witsec? Raylan: Protection detail. Winona: 'Cause if it was Witsec, then, you know, we wouldn't have to change the baby's name, seeing that she doesn't have one yet. Raylan: Just a protection team. Winona: Okay. Maybe one of them can be my birthing coach. Raylan: If you need something from inside, we should get it now. I want someone to take you right away. Winona: What are you gonna do? Raylan: I'm gonna find the guy responsible for this, and I'm gonna take care of it. [SCENE_BREAK] Boyd: [ Sighs ] [ Door opens ] Mr. Paxton. Why, thank you very much for coming out on what I'm sure is a very busy day and life. Well, what am I doing here, Boyd? I don't work for you anymore. Boyd: No, but you work for him. And he works for me. Now, Jimmy, lock that front door. Uh-huh. You trying to scare me again, Mr. Crowder? Boyd: I think you're already scared of me, Mr. Paxton... As you very well should be. Now, I would invite you to take a seat, but I don't think this meeting's gonna take very long. Now, law enforcement uses your funeral home as a morgue sometimes, am I correct? Funeral directors often provide storage for law enforcement... out of a sense of civic responsibility. Boyd: Or payback for them being in your back pocket. Well, there's a body in your morgue right now, Mr. Paxton. State police pulled it out of a mine shaft this morning. Now, Mooney, don't you lie to me. Have the police put a name to that body yet? State police said it was Delroy Baker, some fella that used to run audry's before he went missing and you took over. Boyd: Let's dispense with the ambiguity, shall we? Medical examiner's coming down from Lexington in the morning to identify the body and the cause of death. Boyd: Well, Mr. Paxton... I need you to help me make that body in your morgue not Delroy. May I ask why? Boyd: No. You may not. Simple answer to your question is to steal it... Get another body to replace it. But if you are suggesting... Boyd: Oh, I am not suggesting. Do you have any idea where to get a second body? Boyd: Well, you're the undertaker. You tell me. Why would I do all this to help you? Boyd: To consider your debt to me paid in full, Mr. Paxton. Boyd: [ Grunting ] Man, I don't like this. Boyd: What, you scared? Ain't you? Boyd: Only thing I'm scared of is not getting this done in time. Keep digging. [ Grunts ] [ Shovel thuds, scrapes ] [ Grunts ] Well, they didn't even have the decency to put him 6 feet down. All right. We gotta get him up out of here. Yeah. Boyd: [ Grunts ] [ Crack ] Aah! Oh! sh1t, Boyd! Sh... [ muffled screaming ] Boyd: Hey! Shh! Shh! Shh! Don't you know what we're doing is illegal? [ Panting ] Boyd: Now shh. Stay calm. Get me out of this, Boyd. Boyd: [ Grunts ] Keep... God! Oh! Boyd: Shh. [ Shudders ] Boyd: Hand me that flashlight. [ Panting ] Boyd: It's a cardboard box. That's what happens, you die indigent. What do we do now? Boyd: Well, we take a few moments to contemplate the mortal remains of Henry Willis and to thank him for being more useful in death than he ever was in life. You knew this guy? Boyd: Ironically, I did. He started drinking at 10, got hooked on oxy by the time he was 15. That is all she wrote. But we all end up where he is sooner or later. All right, hold that. [ Grunts ] We're never gonna get him out of here in one piece. Best we wrap him, take him to go. Go get that plastic out of the truck. Hey. Hey. Give me that flashlight. Boyd: Ava. Ava! Ava: How'd it go? Boyd: [ Sighs ] Almost as planned. Ava: The body's in the van? Boyd: Look over your right shoulder. Ava: Jesus, Boyd! Boyd: Well, I couldn't leave him on the street, parked in the van. Now, just pretend he's that Uncle shows up drunk at Thanksgiving, sits in a chair watching football all afternoon. You never even notice he's there. Ava: How long we gotta keep it here? Boyd: Just until Jimmy gets back with that funeral truck. Speaking of which, Jimmy... Yeah? Boyd: Best you head on over to Paxton's. He said he's gonna leave the key on the front tire. Got it. Boyd: [ Sighs ] Ava: Baby, you sure this is gonna work? Boyd: Well, uh, we're gonna wait for Jimmy to get back with that truck, then we're gonna load up this body, take it over to the funeral home, and we're gonna make the swap. Now, medical examiners are coming out first thing in the morning, and they expect to find Delroy Baker filled with buckshot, but what they gonna find is Henry Willis filled with oxy. And Ellen may's story falls apart. Ava: Then we're gonna take Delroy and we're gonna sink him in that slurry pond. Boyd: Well, unless you want to stuff him and mount him over the bar. Now, I sure could use a drink of whiskey, get that graveyard taste out of my mouth. Raylan: Boyd! Funny. I honestly thought you'd have enough sense to run. Boyd: Run from what? Raylan: What I'm still wondering... Did he find winona himself, or did you give her up? Boyd: We're closed, Raylan. Ava, why don't you go behind the bar and pretend like you're cleaning up? Raylan: It's all right. I don't think we're staying. Unless your friend Nicky Augustine's stupid enough to be here, too. Boyd: Just 'cause I know a fella, Raylan, don't make him my friend. Raylan: You're gonna want a jacket. Boyd: Maybe you're not looking around, but we got a lot going on at the moment. Raylan: You seem to have the impression I'm asking. That's my fault. You are coming with me, Boyd. The only question is, are you taking me to Nicky or am I taking you to jail? Boyd: Taking me to jail for what? Raylan: You really want me to give you a list of all the things I could hang on you? Probably skip half of it and still be here all night. Boyd: Well, fine, Raylan. Take me to jail. Oh, you're hesitating 'cause you take me and you blow your only shot at getting Nicky Augustine. Well, I take it I'm your admission ticket? Raylan: The hesitation was 'cause I just realized, I should probably take her, too... save me from making another trip, two birds, one stone and all. Boyd: Take her where, Raylan? Raylan: You know, that Ellen may... [ Laughs ] Dumb as a box of rocks, but she's such a sweet girl, and you get her talking, she's just too lazy to shut up. It's fascinating all the lives people have led. Boyd: That's bullshit. Raylan: Which part? Boyd: You ain't got nothin' on Ava. Raylan: You sure? Boyd: You gonna come into my house... No badge... no backup... And threaten to take my woman away from me? Raylan: I figure it's worth a shot. Boyd: You think that's the best way to get me to help you? Raylan: No. And I'm sorry, Boyd. And now that that's done, you gonna take me to Nicky or not? Boyd: I'm gonna take you to Nicky, Raylan. But not because I believe you've got anything on either of us. Raylan: Of course. You're gonna take me because you're my buddy. Boyd: I need to say goodbye to my woman. Raylan: You can do it from right there. Boyd: Ava, darlin', I sure am sorry I'm gonna miss that dinner. Ava: It's not gonna be the same without you. Boyd: I'll talk to you afterwards. Raylan: Let's go. [ Door opens ] Light switch is to the left. [ Thud ] Damn it. Little help! Not my job. You ever seen an autopsy? Ava: No. Doesn't leave much to the imagination, I can tell you that. Want to know what this does? Ava: I want to put this down. Where do they have Delroy? Icebox. Ava: Which one's Delroy? The one that looks like beef jerky. Ava: Mm. That would be him. Ava: Mooney, can you get us a body bag, please? Yes, ma'am. Ava: And, Jimmy, can you cut this plastic off? Yep. [ Blade clicks ] [ Plastic crinkles ] It's a pretty good match. Ava: Yeah, let's just get this over with. So, out of nowhere, Crowder calls and says he's bringing the marshal, and you just drop everything to play "high noon." You want to explain to me how this makes any sense? All the sh1t I've heard about this guy, there's no way I'm saying no to a face-to-face. Plus, maybe he wants to cut a deal. I doubt that. Well, we'll know shortly. You're not even a little worried he's trying to set us up, maybe even bust me for that sh1t at the high school? I might be worried if Crowder wasn't bringing him here. What? You trust Crowder? I trust him not to hand us up to the feds, yeah. You know, Sammy's already pissed we went after the ex-wife. He wants us to come home now and kiss his new ring. You think it's smart to keep him waiting? Sammy is a rat-faced bitch boy. He's Theo Tonin's rat-faced bitch boy. We wouldn't even be having this conversation if you'd popped the marshal in the first place. [ Chuckles ] Christ. But instead... you let him back you down. He didn't back me down. The cops pulled up. Well, all I know is, if I'd have been there, he'd never walked out. Oh. And that would have been pointless, Nicky. It would have just drawn heat, as usual. You think too much. Pay the check. I'll be in the car. Boyd: Well, this might be a silly question, Raylan, but do you have a plan? Raylan: Mm-hmm. Sit across from Nicky, tell him the game's the game, but you don't go after a man's family. Boyd: Well, just so you're aware, whatever Nicky knows about winona did not come from me. Raylan: Okay. Boyd: Now that you mention it, though, I'm not sure you're one to talk about going straight at a man 'stead of what he loves. Raylan: You love her, huh... Ava? Boyd: You have to ask? Raylan: Love her like how... Like how you loved the lord and your lovely white skin or... how you loved Arlo? I know he meant a lot to you. Boyd: You know... [ sighs ] You can know a fella your whole life and not really know him at all. You know what I think, Raylan? I think you're just jealous that I've got to open a present that will never be under your Christmas tree. Raylan: I think you love anything lets you put your head on the pillow at night believin' you ain't the bad guy. Boyd: So, you face off with Nicky, and he says, "I have no" idea what you're talking about. Never even knew you had a "family." Then what? Raylan: [ Chuckles lightly ] Boyd: You tell him anything he says can be used against him? Raylan: Nothing gonna be used against him. This ends tonight. Boyd: Well, maybe you get him to pull, count it down like you did that old gun thug in Miami. Raylan: Figure if it ain't broke... Boyd: Well, what if he won't pull? Raylan: They always pull. Boyd: Well, what if he won't? Well, I guess you'll just murder him where he sits. [ Chuckles lightly ] You know what I'm wondering? Is, what do you tell yourself at night when you lay your head down that allows you to wake up in the morning pretending that you're not the bad guy? [ Brakes squeak ] What are we doing? Ava: Jimmy, this is where you get out. Ava, Boyd don't want me to just leave you out here. Ava: It's okay. I'll take care of Boyd. He told me I shouldn't... Ava: Boyd ain't here. Get out. Yes, ma'am. Boyd: Well, you might as well give me my gun back. Raylan: I'm sure you'll be fine. Boyd: Not me I'm worried about. I'm just offering to even up your odds a little bit. I count four to one. That hardly seems fair. Raylan: Which way do you mean? Thanks for the ride. Boyd: Good luck, cowboy. You guys ever figure out who was right about the astronaut? Raylan: We agreed to disagree. I need to check you for a wire. Raylan: Won't find one. Still need to check. Raylan: Long as you understand... Anything else you find, I plan to keep. Nicky doesn't care you're armed. Raylan: Figures I won't try anything with all this firepower you got here? Either that or he doesn't give a sh1t. Raylan: You okay with your wagon hitched to a guy that doesn't give a sh1t? [ Sighs ] Higher up the Mountain, worse the footing gets. Raylan: Plane crashes, first class always hits the hardest. I learned one thing a long time ago... Doesn't pay to be the lead dog. Raylan: You know the best way to survive a plane crash? How's that? Raylan: Don't be in it. All right? So just keep your panties on, sit tight, let me take care of it. [ Car door opens ] Marshal's here. Raylan: Where you headed? Oh, why? You need a lift? Raylan: Where'd you think you were headed? [ Chuckles ] That sounded kind of ominous. Getting right to the point, huh? Raylan: Sooner we get to it, sooner we get through it. No point delaying the unpleasantness. Oh, a-are we headed for unpleasantness? Raylan: The deal I'm gonna offer you, I ain't optimistic you'll take it. Well, you know, negative thinking yields negative results. Raylan: [ Chuckling ] Yeah. Well... it's been a day. Well, at least give me the chance to surprise you. No point in going into a relationship assuming people are just gonna disappoint you. Raylan: You're right. I want you to turn yourself in, confess to murder, racketeering, obstruction... whatever other horrible things you done. Is that all? Raylan: I want you to swear you'll leave my family be. Or...? Raylan: Or you'll die here in this limo. Well, you had it right not to be optimistic. Raylan: I'm afraid that's the best I can do. You carrying a piece? Raylan: Glock 26. Yeah? Is that the same one you used to take out my guys this morning? Raylan: No. I pulled a Beretta off the big fella. What are you carrying? Oh, I don't have a gun. Raylan: Maybe you should get one. Why? So you can have a reason? Raylan: You already gave me a reason. Bullshit. Take one look at you, I know you're not the kind of guy who'd just execute me. It's not who you are. Then you come in here with your bullshit cop threats, knowing that if your bluff gets called, you can always hide behind your badge. I don't have a badge. All I got is my word. So if I say I'm gonna kill your family, I'm gonna kill your family. 'Cause these animals out here, they think they can get over on me, they'll tear me to pieces. You want to know where I'm headed? I'm headed to Detroit... to kill Theo's pasty little pussy of a son. But I'll be back for your family. You had a chance to save them this morning, but instead, you took out three of my guys. [ Jet engine whirring ] So the only chance they have now is if you use that Glock on me to end this. If you're not gonna do it, get the hell out of my car. Raylan: Well... now we know each other. Cop threats. Raylan: Relax. You're still in the limo. [ Dialing ] [ Car door closes ] Look, we're just waiting for the plane. We'll be back in Detroit before breakfast, and I'll take care of it when I get back there. Raylan: Sammy. Thanks for coming. Thank you for reaching out. You talked to him? What'd he say? Raylan: He said he's gonna murder my wife and child. Yeah, no, I heard. I feel terrible about that. But I meant, what'd he say about me? Raylan: He said you're a pussy, and he's gonna kill you. [ Scoffs ] Raylan: I guess his guys ain't gonna give you too much trouble. You want to survive in this business, you have your money on the horse that's out front. What about you? You gonna give me trouble? About doing what I have to do? Raylan: If Nicky had chosen to turn himself in, I'd have taken him in. But... he decided to go another way. So if you saw a crime committed against him, you wouldn't, as a lawman, feel the obligation to intervene? Raylan: I'm suspended. Picker. Boyd: Ava? Ava! [ Door opens ] Boyd. Boyd: Where the hell is Ava? She wouldn't let me go with her. I tried, Boyd. I didn't know what to do. I tried to stay with her, Boyd! I swear to God, Boyd, I tried! She told me to come back! Ava: [ Grunting ] Jesus. Oh, sh1t. [ Car door opens ] Boyd? I thought Boyd was with you. [ Car door opens ] Ava: Mooney? I could use a little help. [ Car door closes ] What you got there, Ava? Is that a body? Ava: You sure you want to make this play? Why don't you turn around and put your hands behind your head? Ava: [ Sighs ] Or maybe it's not your play. Maybe it was Paxton's. How 'bout you just keep quiet? We were just driving by and we saw the lights. Ava: Wasn't me you was after, though, was it? It was Boyd. You'll do. That's it. This body was stolen from your funeral home last night? Mm-hmm. I'd know that face anywhere. [ Engine idling ] [ Engine shuts off ] Ohh. [ Car door slams ] Boyd: Mooney? Just sorry you weren't here a few hours ago, Boyd. Boyd: [ Grunting ] [ Screaming ] Lock up this piece of sh1t. No need for that. What? He's assaulted an officer, resisted arrest, interfering with police business. Oh, simmer down, Mooney. He's upset. I don't think he's gonna be any more trouble. How 'bout it, Mr. Crowder? Are you gonna be any more trouble? Let this white trash piece of sh1t go. Boyd: [ Wheezing ] [ Engine turns over ] [ Vehicle departs ] I'm gonna get a lawyer... the best one that money can buy... And I'm gonna have you out of here in 24 hours. Ava: [ Voice breaking ] We both know that's not gonna happen. You got more to say? She'll have visiting hours. Now get out of here! [ Car door closes ] [ Engine turns over ] Raylan: This everything? Winona: That's everything I need. Raylan: You know you and the baby are safe, right? Winona: I know. That's why I love you. Raylan: I'm so sorry about all of it. Winona: Yeah, well... Least nobody died. Raylan: Call me when you land. Winona: Okay. Raylan: Say "hey" to your mother for me. Winona: I will. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Door opens ] Where's the master of the house? Another glass? Did you hear the news out of Detroit? Little Sammy is the new head of the outfit. [ Liquid pours ] And I'm their man east of the Mississippi. Boyd: Congratulations. What... you felt the need to come all the way down here to tell me that? All the strife, all the bloodshed... All the turmoil... kings fall, princes rise up. And here we still are. The survivors. The arrangement we discussed before? I'd like you to handle my heroin distribution in Kentucky. Boyd: Huh. Nod if you're interested. Good. We're both gonna be very wealthy men. Ahh. I'll be in touch. [ Alarm beeping ] [ Beeping stops ] [ Birds chirping ] [ Cellphone vibrating ] [ Vibrating continues ] [ Vibrating stops ] Raylan: What's up, Art? Art: Just wondering if you've heard the big news. Raylan: What news? Art: Looks like Sammy Tonin is gonna hold on to the crown after all. Raylan: Where's that leave Nicky Augustine? Found dead in the back of a stretch limo. Can't give you all the details now, but all the signs point to a mob execution. Live by the sword, die by the sword, right? Raylan: I suppose you're gonna say "I told you so." Art: Oh, well, I like to think I'm a bigger person than that, but I did tell you so. Raylan: Well, I appreciate the call, Art. [ Sighs ] Art: Just thought you might want to know. Raylan: I will sleep well tonight. Art: All right. See you in 30 days.

Plan: A: Raylan; Q: Who visits Winona? A: hostage; Q: What is Winona being held as? A: three; Q: How many henchmen are holding Winona hostage? A: Art; Q: Who warns Raylan he will be fired if he goes after Augustine? A: Ava; Q: Who is arrested while disposing of Delroy's body? A: Jimmy; Q: Who does Ava ask to help her exhume Delroy's body? A: Delroy's body; Q: What body did Ava, Jimmy, and Boyd plan to exhume? A: law enforcement; Q: Who beat Boyd to Delroy's body? A: an anonymous tip; Q: What led the police to Delroy's body? A: Lee Paxton; Q: Who owns the funeral home that Delroy's body is in? A: Detroit; Q: Where does Augustine plan to go after killing Sammy Tonin? A: Lee's acquaintances; Q: Who did Boyd have killed? A: Dairy Queen; Q: What franchise does Boyd want from Lee? A: his limo; Q: What does Raylan visit Augustine in? A: the cop threat; Q: What does Augustine scoff at? A: Raylan's family; Q: Who does Augustine threaten to kill? A: Sammy's henchman; Q: Who does Raylan call to Harlan? A: 24 hours; Q: How long does Boyd have to get Ava out of jail? A: Cassie; Q: Who was the anonymous tipster? A: heroin distribution; Q: What does Duffy tell Boyd he is now in charge of? A: Arlo's house; Q: What house does Raylan plaster over the hole in the wall? A: a chair; Q: What does Raylan sit in at the end of the episode? A: Frances; Q: Who is buried in the grave next to Arlo? Summary: Raylan visits Winona, who is being held hostage by three of Augustine's henchmen. The men want to use Winona as leverage so that Raylan will take them to Drew Thompson. Raylan and Winona manage to kill the three men. Afterwards, Art warns Raylan he will be fired if he goes after Augustine. Meanwhile, Ava, Jimmy, and Boyd prepare to exhume Delroy's body from the mine, only to find that law enforcement has already beaten them to it based on an anonymous tip. Boyd then decides to use his leverage with Lee Paxton, who owns the funeral home that Delroy's body is in. Boyd earlier had the Detroit mob kill two of Lee's acquaintances and Boyd suggested Lee was next if he didn't give him $100,000 and a Dairy Queen franchise. Boyd tells Lee to help him now, and his debt will be repaid. Lee suggests swapping the bodies before the autopsy report. Raylan then visits Augustine in his limo and offers him the deal of turning himself in and swearing not to harm his family. Augustine scoffs at the cop threat and vows to kill Raylan's family once he returns to Harlan after killing Sammy Tonin in Detroit. Raylan, however, has already called Sammy to Harlan. Sammy's henchman (and Picker, who has seen which horse to back) execute Augustine by shooting up his limo. Meanwhile, Ava is arrested while disposing of Delroy's body, Lee having engineered an elaborate scheme to incarcerate Boyd. Boyd vows to have Ava free in 24 hours by buying her the best lawyer money can afford. Boyd sees Cassie, the dead preacher's sister, in the distance observing the bust as she was the anonymous tipster. Duffy visits Boyd, telling him that he is now in charge of heroin distribution in Harlan. The last part of the episode shows Raylan plastering over the hole in the wall of Arlo's house (the house Raylan grew up in) before going outside to sit in a chair and drink while staring at the graves of Frances, Arlo, and the headstone for his own future grave-site. Boyd breaks into the house he wanted to buy with Ava and looks around stoically. Boyd takes one last look at the path he thought would lead him away from his roots, while Raylan returns to his.

Once upon a time... there were Three Doctors Two Osgoods [SCENE_BREAK] [ National Gallery lift ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Snarling ) Osgood 1 (Chanting): The Doctor will save me. The Doctor will save me... Osgood 2: Excuse me, I'm going to need my inhaler. [SCENE_BREAK] One peace treaty [SCENE_BREAK] [ Black Archive ] [SCENE_BREAK] Tenth Doctor: Any second now, you're going to stop that countdown. Both of you. Together. Eleventh Doctor: And then you're going to negotiate the most perfect treaty of all time. Tenth Doctor: Safeguards all round, completely fair on both sides. Eleventh Doctor: And the key to perfect negotiation? Tenth Doctor: Not knowing what side you're on. Eleventh Doctor: So, for the next few hours, until we decide to let you out... Tenth Doctor: No-one in this room will be able to remember if they're human... Eleventh Doctor: .. or Zygon. Tenth Doctor: Whoops-a-daisy! BANG! Both: Cancel the detonation! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Office ] [SCENE_BREAK] Osgood 1: Hello. Osgood 2: Hello. Do you want to...? Osgood 1: No, you can, if you... Both: Shall we do it together? Osgood 1: Operation Double. Osgood 2: The Zygon peace treaty. Osgood 1: I'm Osgood. Osgood 2: I'm also Osgood. Osgood 1: Remember that. It'll be important later. Osgood 2: Operation Double is a covert operation, outside of normal UNIT strictures, to resettle and rehouse an alien race in secrecy on planet Earth. Osgood 1: With UNIT's help, 20 million Zygons have been allowed to take human form, been dispersed around the world, and are now living amongst us. Osgood 2: We're making this in case something goes wrong. In case UNIT is infiltrated. In case something occurs to unmask the Zygons. Osgood 1: Or in case one or both of us dies. Osgood 2: The Zygons are a peaceful race. Osgood 1: Their shape-changing ability should not be considered a weapon. Osgood 2: It's a survival mechanism. Osgood 1: They embed themselves in other cultures, and live out their lives in their new bodies in peace and harmony... mainly. Osgood 2: Any race is capable of the best and the worst. Osgood 1: Every race is peaceful and warlike. Osgood 2: Good and evil. Osgood 1: My race is no exception. Osgood 2: And neither is mine. Osgood 1: If one Zygon goes rogue... Osgood 2: Or one human... Osgood 1: .. then the ceasefire will break. That's why the Doctor left us this. Osgood 2: He called it the Osgood Box. Osgood 1: If you've been paying attention, you'll be able to guess why. Osgood 2: This is the last resort. Osgood 1: The final sanction. Osgood 2: Pray this box is never needed. Osgood 1: Because if it is, that means the ceasefire is breaking... Osgood 2: And with 20 million shape-changing Zygons dispersed around the world... Osgood 1: .. that is the Nightmare Scenario. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Police Station ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Shouting and gunfire ) ( She pants ) ( Glass smashes ) Osgood: Ah! ( Gunfire, whizzing bullets ) ( She rattles door ) ( Inhaler hisses ) ( She pants ) ( Snarling nearby ) ( Footsteps approach ) ( Keypad tones ) ( Footsteps thud ) ( Growling and snarling ) ( She screams ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. TARDIS ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Alarm beeps ) ( The Doctor plays a guitar solo: "Amazing Grace" ) ( He stops ) [SCENE_BREAK] The Zygon Invasion [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Brockwell Park, London ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Alarm beeps ) Woman (O.C.): Come on, kids, no pushing! ( Kids chatter ) Clara (voicemail): Hi, this is Clara Oswald. I'm probably on the Tube or in outer space. Leave a message! ( Voicemail beeps ) The Doctor: Hello, it's Doctor Disco. I'm in the 21st century. I don't know what month. I'm staking out some of the most dangerous creatures imaginable. Operating under deep cover. Trying not to attract suspicion. Give me a call, Clara. Nightmare Scenario. I'm worried. OK. Hey, Monster High and Cinderella. Down off the monkey bars. Listen to me. We've got to talk. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. UNIT Safe House, South London ] [SCENE_BREAK] Kate: Get me Colonel Walsh. And I need you to coordinate the Operation Double locations. Jac: There are 20 million Zygons! And most of the data was with... her. Kate: Do what you can. Start with any that have intelligence flags from the past six months. ( Beeping ) Jac: Walsh coming through. Walsh: Walsh. Turmezistan. Kate: Any new arrivals? Walsh: One. The pictures aren't very good. Kate: Can you zoom in on the prisoner? It's her. Get into her files. We have to assume they've been compromised. Jac: Too late. The encryption system's already been hacked. And they've sent through another video. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Brockwell Park, London ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Look, I admire you, OK? I think you're ingenious -- pretending to be a couple of seven-year-olds is a splendid way to conceal your blobbiness. But let's not pretend. You're very blobby. In fact, you two are the big blobs. And you are not patrolling the ceasefire. Fine. Fine, bury your heads. Listen to me. Listen! There are other factions. I know that there are other blobby factions you don't control. They're planning something. And if we don't get together and stop it, it'll be the end of this. Of all of you. Claudette: This is our jurisdiction, Doctor. These are our creatures. We are close to finding them. Jemima: They are our children, and we will deal with them. The Doctor: Your kids are out of control. I'm taking this out of your hands. ( Mobile rings ) Don't even think about going anywhere. Are you phoning me with your backside again, or are you really sending me a distress signal? Kate (O.C.): I'm really sending you a distress signal. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. UNIT Safe House, South London ] [SCENE_BREAK] Kate: They've kidnapped Osgood and they've stolen the location of every Zygon on Earth. Doctor, the ceasefire's broken down. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Brockwell Park, London ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Loud hissing ) The Doctor: Hey! Away! Away! Get those kids out of the way! Out of the way! Out of the way! Out of the way! Move! Out of the way! ( Panicked shouting ) ( Girl screams ) ( Snarling ) ( Tyres screech ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. UNIT Safe House, South London ] [SCENE_BREAK] Osgood: UNIT troops will be destroyed wherever they are in the world. The enemies of our race will be destroyed wherever they are in the world. The war is about to begin. There will be truth... or there will be consequences. Clara (voicemail): 'Hi, this is Clara Oswald. I'm probably on the Tube or in outer space. Leave a message!' The Doctor: Call me now. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Clara's Apartment Block ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Phone beeps ) ( She scoffs ) The Doctor (on voicemail): 'Hello, it's Doctor Disco...' Clara: Hello. Oh, hello. Sandeep, hello. You OK? Sandeep: I can't find my mummy and daddy. Clara: Well, why don't you wait here, and I can go see if I can find them? [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Sandeep's Apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: Hello? Hello? ( A man walks in and she gasps ) Clara: Oh, sorry -- erm, your little boy is out there. He couldn't find you. Sandeep's Dad: Daddy's here! Sandeep's Mum: We can take him. ( Sandeep screams ) ( He screams ) Clara: Is... Is he OK? Sandeep's Mum: Everything's fine. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Clara's Apartment Block ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Door slams ) ( Keypad tones ) ( Phone rings ) Clara: Did you just call yourself "Doctor Disco"? [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Drakeman Junior School, Dulwich, London - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] Kate: This is where the Zygon High Command had their secret base. Clara: A junior school? Kate: Terms of the settlement, Operation Double, were these -- 20 million Zygons, the entire hatchery, were allowed to be born and to stay on Earth. They were permitted to permanently take up the form of the nearest available human beings -- Jac: In this case, a large percentage of the population of the UK. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Boiler room ] [SCENE_BREAK] Kate: You left us with an impossible situation, Doctor. The Doctor: Yes, I know. It's called peace. What about the two little girl commanders? Weren't they helping you? Kate: They've been almost impossible to deal with since Osgood left. Secretive, uncommunicative. We've known there's something going on -- some radicalisation, some revolution in the younger brood. They said they had it under control. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Zygon Command Centre ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: The Zygon command centre. That's the control polyp for all Zygons on Earth. Kate: It's horrible. The Doctor: Could you...? Would you mind? Thank you. If this has been compromised, the Zygons are wide open. They'll be starting to panic. Starting to worry. Clara: Doctor, do you want to be alone with that thing? The Doctor: It's a command computer. You operate it by titivating the fronds. Clara: Are you enjoying that?! ( Wet squelching ) The Doctor: I snogged a Zygon once. Old habits... ( Polyp gurgles ) The Doctor: Still got the old magic. Clara: So, Osgood's been kidnapped, right? I thought Osgood was dead. Kate: There've always been two of her, ever since the ceasefire. We never knew which one was real. The Doctor: Both of them. Kate: OK, which one was Zygon. The Doctor: Both of them. They would have maintained a live link -- they were both Zygon and human at the same time. They not only administered the peace, they were the peace. Jac: When the other Osgood died, the survivor went pretty much mad with grief. Then she just disappeared -- went undercover in the States. Now, of course, the rebels have her. ( Squelching ) The Doctor: Ah! OK. Zygons hatched and dispersed all over -- but something's gone wrong. Mexico border, North Asia, West Africa, Australia... Panic. Paranoia. What would happen if they knew who we were? ( Beeping ) Jac: We've received another video. Kate: That's the Zygon High Command. It's Jemima and Claudette. Deep Voice: We have been betrayed. We were sold. Our rights were violated. We demand the right to be ourselves. Normalise. Normalise! Zygon: We are now the Zygon High Command. All traitors will die. Truth or consequences. The Doctor: So, we have a Zygon revolution on our hands. We need to open negotiations. Kate: I'm not negotiating with them. As far as they're concerned, everyone's a traitor. Clara: If you're not going to negotiate, what are you going to do? Kate: They're holed up in this settlement in Turmezistan -- it's where they've taken Osgood. I'm going to order Colonel Walsh to bomb it. The Doctor: Isn't there a solution that doesn't involve bombing everyone? Kate: The treaty's been comprehensively violated, Doctor. The Doctor: This is a splinter group. The rest of the Zygons, the vast majority -- they want to live in peace. You start bombing them, you'll radicalise the lot. That's exactly what the splinter group wants. Jac: "Truth or consequences" -- what exactly does that mean? Kate: It's just the usual kind of nonsense these idiots call themselves. Clara: It's in New Mexico. Kate: What? Clara: It's a town in New Mexico -- Truth or Consequences. They renamed it after a TV show, for a bet or something. It's a Trivial Pursuit question. I used to memorise Trivial Pursuit questions so I could win. Jac: That's the last place we received signal from Osgood's phone, isn't it? Kate: New Mexico. The Doctor: OK. Kate Stewart, no bombs for you. Go to Truth or Consequences. See what you can find out. The Doctor will go to Turmezistan. Negotiate peace, rescue Osgood, and prevent this war, cos that's what he does. Clara, Jac -- you stay here. This is your country -- protect it from the scary monsters. And also from the Zygons. Clara: Fine. The Doctor: Oh, and do you still have the presidential aircraft? Clara: I thought you didn't like being President of the World. The Doctor: No, but I like poncing about in a big plane. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Airfield - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: How many troops do you have? Kate: Not many. Usually on bigger cases we can draft in from the regular army. We can't do that now. The secrecy of the project has to be maintained. Clara: You got any snazzy weapons? Kate: There was an attempted Zygon invasion before, in the '70s, '80s. One of our staff was a naval surgeon. Worked at Porton Down on the captured Zygons. Developed Z-67. It's a nerve gas. Unravels their DNA. Basically, turns them inside out. Clara: Where do you keep it? Kate: We don't. It was taken -- the formula, the lot. Clara: Who took it? Kate: Somebody with a TARDIS. Jac: They're ready for you, ma'am. Kate: Keep in touch. Clara: Oh, I just need to swing by home and grab a couple of things. Jac: Yeah, course. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Clara's Appartment - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] Male Voice: Quick, before someone sees us! ( Muffled child's yells ) Clara: It's really slow. We can catch them. (quietly) Come on! ( Lift groans and creaks ) Clara: It's slower than usual. Jac: What's wrong with it? Is there a cellar, or somewhere else they could've gone? Clara: No. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Lift ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Lift pings ) ( Wet squelching ) Jac: Ugh, what is that? ( Squelching ) Jac: No, don't! SQUELCH! ( Power surge ) ( Rumbling ) ( Both pant ) ( Rumbling stops ) ( They gasp ) ( Lift pings ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Tunnel ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Distant yelling ) ( Distant voices ) Clara: I think we need to get some reinforcements. [SCENE_BREAK] [ UNIT Command Base, Turmezistan ] [SCENE_BREAK] Lisa: Approaching target at 1-00-65-12. Confirm strike order. Walsh (O.C.): Order confirmed. The Doctor: At ease. I'm the President of the World. I'm here to rescue people and generally establish happiness all over the place. The Doctor. Doctor Funkenstein. Walsh: Yes, we know who you are. Lisa: Going to strike altitude. The Doctor: What's going on here? Fun and games? Man (on radio): We're 700 metres lower, 700 metres lower than planned. Over. The Doctor: You're not bombing that town. That's where they're holding my friend. Walsh: They're dangerous. And your friend is almost certainly dead. I'm not going to allow them to disperse. You can't track a shape-shifter. Lisa: Visual on the target. Walsh: Confirm strike. The Doctor: Colonel! Walsh (O.C.): Confirm strike. Confirm strike! Confirm strike. Confirm strike! Lisa: Strike aborted. Strike aborted. The Doctor: Well, that's interesting. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Truth or Consequence, New Mexico, USA ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Quiet snarling ) ( Dog barks in distance ) ( Flies buzzing ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Police Station, Truth or Consequence ] [SCENE_BREAK] Kate: Hello? Hello? Officer Norlander: You one of them? Kate: I'm a friend. I've come to help. Norlander: Alone? Have you come to help alone? Kate: What happened here? Norlander: You must have brought backup. Where's your backup? Tell me! Kate: First, tell me why I need it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ UNIT Command Base, Turmezistan ] [SCENE_BREAK] Walsh: We think it's a Zygon training camp. We never see more than one or two of them outside at any one time. But they always take different shapes -- we don't know how many there really are. We don't know how they come and go -- whether they go through tunnels, or whether they turn into dogs and run out across the hills. The Doctor: So, that's what we'll find out. Walsh: We should have that gas. We should be able to rip them inside out. The Doctor: Colonel, take it easy. They're trying to unsettle you. They're trying to make you paranoid and panicked. Walsh: Any living thing in this world, including my family and friends, could turn into a Zygon and kill me, any second now. It's not paranoia when it's real. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. UNIT Safe House, South London ] [SCENE_BREAK] Jac: I've been looking into this. There have been reports all over London of strange activity in lifts. I've patched into CCTV from Scotland Yard -- all the elevators I can find. Now, this is SOAS. People dragging bundles. They go down, down, down, a few minutes go by. And then... ( Crackling ) .. they're all gone. There is something very wrong happening underneath London. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Police Station, Truth or Consequence ] [SCENE_BREAK] Norlander: The Brits came two years ago. We didn't want them. They just... They just turned up. No jobs. Nowhere to live. No money. And they were... They were odd. They started getting into fights. Couple of them got killed. Kate: More than a couple. What happened here? Norlander: After the murders, they started banding together. And then, one day, one of them changed. Kate: Changed? Norlander: One of them was walking down West Main, and suddenly, it turned into a... a reptile. They just came for us. They turned into monsters and they CAME for us. And we couldn't fight them. You can't tell who's who. They can turn your own family against you. Kate: Have you seen her? Norlander: Yeah, she was here. She was at the motel, asking questions. Before... Everybody's gone. Kate: Where? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Zygon Occupied Village, Turmezistan ] [SCENE_BREAK] Walsh (O.C.): OK, listen carefully. Once we get to the village we have a 30-minute window before the airstrike. Walsh: We all know what a rabbit warren this place is, but we've got intel they're holed up inside the church. Hitchley, you take the front, storm it, draw their fire, the Doctor and I will take the back. The Doctor: This is our object. We need to get her back. Safely. Try to kill as few of them as possible, I need have to have someone to negotiate with. Walsh: You know what they're capable of. Do not fall victim to it. Truck open. Code Green. Man (O.C.): Let's move out! [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Church ] [SCENE_BREAK] Hitchley: Come out! Throw down your weapons! Man (O.C.): Come out! We have you surrounded! Hitchley (shouts): Come out of there! Hitchley: Come out, we have you surrounded! Hitchley's Mom: I don't have any weapons. Please. Hitchley: Take aim. On my command. Hitchley's Mom: No. No, don't, please. Johnny... you don't understand. Hitchley: You're not my mother, don't use my name. Hitchley's Mom: They took us here. They came to the house and took us. They took your sister. Me. Hitchley: Stay where you are. Hitchley's Mom: It's not us who are the impostors. Don't let them trick you. It's your commanders, your chief -- they're the aliens. Walsh (on walkietalkie): Do not fall victim! ( Cut to Church rear. ) Walsh: Ask her some details. She's a copy -- ask something... ( Cut to Church front. ) Walsh (on walkietalkie): .. only your mum could know. Hitchley: Mom, I'm going to have to ask you some questions. Hitchley's Mom: Don't do this. You know it's me. Don't let them trick you. Hitchley: Date and place of my birth. Hitchley's Mom: They brought us here, they're using us against you. I'm scared. Please, I'm so scared. Hitchley: Name of my favourite teddy bear. Hitchley's Mom: I don't remember. I'm sorry, I don't. ( Cut to Church rear. ) Hitchley's Mom (O.C.): Don't kill me because I can't remember! Walsh: Hitchley! ( Cut to Church front. ) Hitchley: Stay back! All of you, stay back from them! ( Cut to Church rear. ) Walsh: That is not your mother, it's an alien hostile. ( Cut to Church front. ) Hitchley's Mom: We're not those creatures, we're hostages. ( Cut to Church rear. ) Walsh: Kill it! Hitchley's Mom (O.C.): I can prove it. ( Cut to Church front. ) Hitchley's Mom: I can prove who we are. Just come inside, I'll show you. ( Cut to Church rear. ) Walsh: Don't go in there. ( Cut to Church front. ) Hitchley's Mom: Please. Hitchley: You're not my mom! Hitchley's Mom: Oh, God, you're going to kill me. Hitchley: Mom, please... Hitchley's Mom: You are, you're going to kill me. I love you. I forgive you and I love you. ( Cut to Church rear. ) Walsh: Do it! ( Cut to Church front. ) Hitchley: ( sighs ) What proof? ( Cut to Church rear. ) Walsh: Don't go in there, you're going to your death! ( Cut to Church front. ) Walsh (on walkietalkie): Hitchley, kill it. Hitchley: Let's go. Over and out, ma'am. ( Cut to Church rear. ) Walsh: Dammit. Dammit! The Doctor: This is pointless! Just let me go in and talk! ( Gunshots ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Church ] [SCENE_BREAK] Walsh: They've executed my men. The Doctor: Where are the Zygons? Walsh: We need to bomb the hell out of this place. It's infested with these things. We can't tell who the enemy is any more, we can't count them and we can't track them! The Doctor: I'm not going to let you do that. Walsh: I just lost my men, I'll quite happily bomb the hell out of anywhere. We need to move. Strike's on its way. The Doctor: I need to find Osgood. Walsh: You've got ten minutes. Woman (faintly O.C.): Help! Help! The Doctor: Osgood! Osgood! Osgood (O.C.): Doctor! The Doctor: Osgood! Osgood (O.C.): Doctor, I'm here! The Doctor: Osgood! Osgood (O.C.): I'm down here! The Doctor: Osgood! Osgood (O.C.): Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Basement ] [SCENE_BREAK] Osgood: Doctor! Doctor! The Doctor: Osgood! Got to get you out. They're going to bomb this place. What do the Zygons want? Osgood: They're training, practising new skills -- doctor what are you doing here? The Doctor: Rescuing you. In quite a dashing way, I might add. Osgood: They fled through the tunnels. They're going back to the UK. If you're here, they've got you out of the way. Who's left in the UK? The Doctor: Clara. Zygon: Clara! The Doctor: Oh, hello. ( Bomb blast overhead ) The Doctor: They've started. So much for "ten minutes"! ( Explosion ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Truth or Consequence, New Mexico, USA ] [SCENE_BREAK] Kate: You found something? What? What do you want me to see? ( Flies buzz, electricity crackles ) Kate: Oh, God. W-Were those all people? ( Electricity crackles in dumpsters ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Tunnel ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Lift pings ) Jac: It's an odd world nowadays, isn't it? Clara: It's always been an odd world. Jac: Mm. I mean, doesn't it feel, sometimes, that things are coming to an end? Everything's just going nuts. Clara: You're middle-aged, that's what it is. No offence. Everybody middle-aged always thinks the world's about to come to an end. Never does. It's here. Oh, my God. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Airplane ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara (voicemail): 'Hi, this is Clara Oswald. I'm probably on the tube or in outer space. Leave a message!' The Doctor: Can you change your voicemail message, please, it's getting very boring. Oh, I see you've accessorised it. Osgood: Yes. The Doctor: The old question marks. Osgood: You used to wear question marks. The Doctor: Oh, I know, yes, I did. Osgood: They were nice. Why don't you wear them any more? The Doctor: Oh, I do. I've got question mark underpants. Osgood: Makes one wonder what the question is. The Doctor: Which one are you? Human or Zygon? Osgood: I don't answer that question. The Doctor: Why not? Osgood: Because there isn't a question to answer. I don't accept it. My sister and I were the living embodiment of the peace we made. I will give all the lives I have to protect it. You want to know who I am, Doctor? I am the peace. I am Human and Zygon. The Doctor: Like a hybrid. Osgood: A hybrid, if you like. The Doctor: Well, I'm proud to know you, Osgood. And I promise that I won't tell anyone... that you're a human. Zygons need to keep the human original alive to refresh the body print. If you were a Zygon, you'd've changed back within days of your sister's death. Osgood: Those were the old rules. Before Zygons could pluck loved ones from your memory and wear their faces. Zygons only need to keep the original alive if they need more information from them. If the interrogation is over... then the original can die. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Tunnel ] [SCENE_BREAK] Jac: Oh, my God. These are Zygon pods. Clara: I think you might be right. Jac: About what? Clara: The end of the world. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Airplane ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Zygon roars ) The Doctor: Bit of first-things-first-ness. What's your name? My name's -- well... you can call me the Doctor. But then you knew that, didn't you? You want something. What is it? Zygon: You are the President of the World? The Doctor: I suppose so. Zygon: We want... the world. ( He laughs and snarls ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Tunnel ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: OK. It looks like whole buildings full of people have been pinched. In fact, it looks like a whole London full of people have been pinched. But we've got here early, they're still growing. We've have to neutralise these before they hatch. Take your positions. ( Guns rattle ) Clara: Do you know what? I'm enjoying this. Jac: Clara. Clara: What? Jac: We don't know that's what these are. Clara: Oh, come on. These are eggs, or pods, or whatever -- look. Oh, my God, that's me. Jac: I think we should wait. Clara: Look, they're here, they're growing duplicates of us. We have to destroy them. I've seen this happen before. It happened to that little boy, they took his parents and then they took him. Jac: But I don't see how these are duplicates, that's not how Zygons work, they don't grow duplicates, they kidnap the original, so these... These... are the humans. Retreat. Retreat! This is a trap! This is an ambush! No... Oh, no, Miss Oswald, please. Please! Clara: Kill the traitors. ( Electricity fizzes, screaming ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Flashback ] ( Boy yells ) Clara: Is he OK? Bonnie: Hello, Clara. My name is Bonnie. [ End Flashback ] [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Airplane ] [SCENE_BREAK] Zygon: We want the truth of who we are to be acknowledged. We want to live as ourselves. At any cost. We want a home. The Doctor: Well, you can't have the United Kingdom. There's already people living there. They'll think you're going to pinch their benefits. Zygon: We're already there, Doctor. The invasion's already taken place, bit by bit, over the last year. We've won the first battle. And now, we are going to begin the war. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Police Station, Truth or Consequence ] [SCENE_BREAK] Norlander: There's hundreds more. They killed everybody. Kate: We have to find out what forms they took, how many of them there were. How did this happen? Norlander: Somebody once caught the briefest of glimpses of a Zygon in its proper form. A child... who hadn't learned to preserve its body print... who had been left alone to learn these things for itself. And then word went round these primitives... that we were monsters. Kate: "We"? Norlander: There isn't any backup, is there? I just had to be sure. ( Squelching ) ( Snarling ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. UNIT Safe House, South London ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara (on walkietalkie): Commander calling Truth or Consequences. What is your status? Repeat, Commander calling Truth or Consequences. What is your status? Kate: Commander... UNIT neutralised in North America, Truth or consequences. Clara: Copy that. ( Beeping ) ( Lock clunks ) ( Keypad beeps ) Clara: Bonnie speaking. UNIT neutralised in the UK. More or less. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Airplane ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Phone rings ) Zygon: Answer it. Say goodbye. This plane will never land. The Doctor: Really. Clara? [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Shoreline cliff ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Airplane ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Clara? [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Shoreline cliff ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: There you are. The Doctor (O.C.): Clara, I'm glad you're OK. Listen... Clara: You're breaking up. The Doctor (O.C.): The invasion has happened. You're probably surrounded by Zygons. Get to the Tardis, get yourself safe. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Airplane ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: And, apparently, my plane is never going to land but let's see what we're going to do about that. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Shoreline cliff ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: I'm sorry, but Clara's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Airplane ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara (O.C.): Kate Stewart is dead, the UNIT troops are all dead. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Shoreline cliff ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: Truth or consequences. ( Rocket roars ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Airplane ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Clara! ( Deep explosion ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ To be continued... ]

Plan: A: A peace treaty; Q: What has allowed 20 million Zygons to remain on Earth? A: Earth; Q: Where are the Zygons living? A: disguised humans; Q: What are the Zygons disguised as? A: a Zygon duplicate; Q: What was the other Osgood? A: The Doctor; Q: Who rescues Osgood from captivity in Turmezistan? A: the Osgoods the Osgood Box; Q: Who does the Doctor leave the Osgood Box to? A: the Osgood Box; Q: What is the name of the box the Doctor leaves the Osgoods? A: a last resort; Q: What is the Osgood Box to be used as? A: a Zygon splinter group; Q: Who kidnaps Osgood? A: London; Q: Where does Bonnie take over Zygon High Command? A: Bonnie; Q: Who takes over Zygon High Command? A: Clara; Q: Who is knocked unconscious and hidden in a pod underground? A: UNIT troops; Q: Who does Bonnie trick into going to the underground tunnels? A: underground tunnels; Q: What are the lifts connected to? A: Kate Stewart; Q: Who is attacked by a splinter group member disguised as a sheriff? A: two; Q: How many versions of Osgood were there? A: the invasion; Q: What has already taken place? A: their plane; Q: What does Bonnie fire a missile at? Summary: A peace treaty has allowed 20 million Zygons to remain on Earth, peacefully living out as disguised humans. Two versions of the scientist Osgood, a human and a Zygon duplicate, kept the peace until one of them died and the other disappeared. The Doctor leaves the Osgoods the Osgood Box to be used as a last resort. In New Mexico, a Zygon splinter group kidnaps Osgood. In London, a splinter group member called Bonnie takes over Zygon High Command. At the block of flats where Clara lives, Clara is knocked unconscious and hidden in a pod underground. Bonnie takes Clara's place. Bonnie tricks UNIT troops into going to a series of underground tunnels, which many other lifts across the city are connected to. The troops are killed by the splinter group when they attempt to escape. Kate Stewart is attacked by a splinter group member disguised as a sheriff while investigating Osgood in New Mexico. The Doctor rescues Osgood from captivity in Turmezistan and the two set off back to London. A Zygon captured and taken on board the plane tells the Doctor the invasion has already taken place. Bonnie fires a missile at their plane.

Jim: [Dressed as Dwight] It's kind of blurry. [puts on his glasses] That's better. [exhales] Question. What kind of bear is best? Dwight: That's a ridiculous question. Jim: False. Black bear. Dwight: Well that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought--- Jim: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. Dwight: Bears do not--- What is going on--- What are you doing?! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... [Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch] eleven dollars. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. [Jim places a bobble-head on his desk] Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! Jim: ... MICHAEL! Dwight: Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [on phone] Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations? Jim: [on phone] Absolutely. I couldn't be more sorry about this. Phyllis: [on phone] I know, I know. We're all trying to get to the bottom of this. Stanley: [on phone] I am upset. Don't I sound upset? Michael: [on phone] It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing... unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime. Dwight: Cri-Man-Squa? Michael: Crisis Management Squad. Ryan: F and C, doubletime? Michael: Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions? Jim: One more. Why are you talking like that? Michael: To save time, Jim. Karen: Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time. Pam: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time. Michael: You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed? Creed: Here. Michael: Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: Every week I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today. Oscar: That's really not our job. Michael: Midnight, Oscar! Don't worry, Kelly will be training you first. Angela: Kelly's training us? [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A- [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [getting a pill from the bottle] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids. Jim: Yeah, I gotta call out on that. Michael: No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person. Jim: All right. Michael: I want you to bring a partner. Ryan: I'll go. Michael: No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go. Andy: [English accent] William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do. Jim: Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone. Michael: No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference. Dwight: Yes! You are entering the "No Spin Zone!" Pam: We're having a press conference? Michael: No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves. Dwight: Not! [scoffs] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Here's the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story. Jim: Oh, did the press ask for a story? Michael: Here is your headline. "Scranton Area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client. Some companies still know how business is done." Okay? Battle stations everybody, let's go, go, go, go, go, go! [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there. And I'm trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. [Kelly and Kevin clap] Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls. Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot. Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go? Kelly: OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say "Customer Service, this is Kelly!" Except don't say "Kelly," say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, [in an English accent] and I talked like this for the whole conversation! Kevin: Oh! Can I be [horrible Australian accent] Australian, mate? Kelly: [in accent] Absolutely! Kevin: [in accent] 'ello, mate! Kelly: [in accent] I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend. Kevin: [in accent] I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Beer me! Jim: What's that? Andy: Hand me that water. I always say "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how's what's-her-name? Jim: You know her name. Andy: Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends. [takes swig of water] Mmm. How's the apartment hangin'? Jim: It's fine. Andy: Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet. Jim: What about music? Do you have any music? Andy: Uh, yeah. Should have said so. [sings] Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa-- Jim: I was thinkin' about more like a CD, or... a CD. Andy: Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Lord, beer me strength. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: So, Tuna. When we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay? Jim: Did that really need to be said? Andy: Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Whoa! What the--- Why is my girlfriend here? Jim: Oh, is she that teacher in the white? Andy: No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef. Jim: Which one... is she? Andy: The one in the green hoodie. Jim: Wow. Andy: I wonder if she's, like, a... a guidance counselor, or something? Jim: No, I don't think so. Andy: She's like, probably a tutor. Jim: Nope. Andy: She probably a t-- Jim: No. Andy: Sh--- Jim: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice. Dwight: On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow, I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [Chad Lite walks in the door] [to Office workers] Hey! [snaps twice] Look sharp! [to Chad Lite] Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute. Chad Lite: Hi, uh--- Dwight: And you must be uh, from the Washington Post. Chad Lite: Scranton Times. Chad Lite, "Lighter Side of Life." Dwight: And "Breaking Corporate News." Chad Lite: And obits. Dwight: Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance. Chad Lite: Oh... Dwight: Don't get too excited, that's out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage? Chad Lite: Uh, yeah, I'd like uh, uh--- Dwight: [shuts door on him] Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Oh, Andy. You know what? We don't have a lot of time, so we should probably... Andy: Jamie! Jim: Andy--- Ohh... Andy: What are you doing here? Jamie: Andy? Andy: Are you a student here? Jamie: Oh... yeah... Andy: You never told me you were in high-school! Jamie: This is weird. I... gotta go to Spanish. Andy: OH MY GOD! Jim: Oh my God. Andy: I had no idea. Jim: Well... that's not gonna hold up in court. Andy: Huh... We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [on phone] Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I'm sorry. No, I am so sorry. Oscar: [on phone] Really, Dixon City? ...Carbondale. Angela: [on phone] Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's our fault. And I've already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me. [hangs up] Kelly: OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing sooo good. Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might wanna work on is, apologizing? [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment. Dwight: Emergency dentist appointment. Creed: Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu. I'm a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Yes, I'll be sure someone returns your call. I'm so sorry. Bye. Barbara: Hello, I'm looking for Michael Scott. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first. Dwight: [snaps picture with his camera phone] You look good in this. Michael: So, let us consider this matter ended. Barbara: Well it isn't ended. I'm... I'm very angry. I--- I could have lost business. Michael: I know, I know you're angry. And we are truly, truly sorry. Barbara: I don't accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying. Michael: Well, we are extremely sorry. Barbara: I don't accept. [SCENE_BREAK] School Official: I'll be with you in a moment. Jim: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker. Jim: Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony. Andy: But who was that guy? Jim: Probably another high-school student. [SCENE_BREAK] School Official: The issue with the watermark is very serious. Jim: Absolutely. School Official: We teach our students that character counts. Jim: And you should. School Official: But--- Andy: [scoffs] Pfft. You don't teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch. Jim: Andy... is having a real rough day today. Andy: I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words--- Jim: "Good luck." Andy: That's not what I had in mind. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Ask where he's from. Angela: [on phone] Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? [to Kelly] He's upset about the watermark. Kelly: OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we're doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you're sorry. Angela: [on phone] It was an unfortunate error. We're fixing it. And you already got your money back... Kelly: And you're sorry. Angela: ...and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. [hangs up] [to Kelly] I think he had Tourette's or something! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again. Barbara: Well, it--- it doesn't help, because it already happened to me. Michael: The watermark... it's a one time thing. Barbara: I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having s*x? Dwight: May I point out that the s*x appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling. Michael: OK... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having s*x in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What... can I do, for you? Barbara: I, for starters, I think that you should resign. Michael: Well... [exhales] OK, well... Um, wasn't really my fault. The guys at the papermill--- Barbara: You're the head--- Michael: The guys at the papermill--- No no no! Barbara: You're the head of the company! Michael: I'm the head of the company?! Barbara: Yes, and that makes it your responsibility--- Michael: No, I'm a regional manager--- Barbara: And so you should lose your job! Michael: No--- my--- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out! Barbara: Fine. Michael: That's insane. We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it. Barbara: Mm-hmm. Dwight: It's non-transferable... Michael: Doesn't matter. Out please! Barbara: I'm calling the Better Business Bureau. Michael: Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! [to Chad Lite] Did you get all that? Chad Lite: Everything. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We gotta do something. [exhales] This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not... Pam: It's just the Scranton Times... Michael: No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it... Pam: You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two. Michael: You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. [pulls out a video camcorder from his desk] Do you know what this is for? Pam: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman's touch. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael's hair] OK, I think that's good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: "Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that." Dwight: Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team. Michael: That's how devoted I am to this job. Dwight: I'm just saying... Michael: I know. Dwight: They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade. Michael: I understand that, Dwight. Dwight: You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb. Michael: Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut? Dwight: Cut. Michael: So I'll know where--- Pam: Cut. Michael: I'm asking Pam to do it, please. Pam: Cut. Michael: OK, ready? [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Kevin, what's four plus seven? Kevin: [thinks] Eleven. Angela: Yeah, well you didn't know that when you filled out this payroll form. Kevin: Yeah, well at least I didn't suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial. Oscar: [laughs] Yes. [air high five] Angela: You two are apes. Oscar: I expect you to apologize for that, Angela. Angela: I'm sorry... that you're both morons. Kevin: Oh, but you still said "I'm sorry." Angela: I called you morons. Kevin: Still said it. Oscar: Still said it, so... [Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Five, four, three. "There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day." Pam: One day for what? Michael: That's... they always give an ultimatum. Pam: OK. Michael: Good, cut? Pam: Cut. That was your best apology video ever. Michael: Thought so too. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [to Dwight] Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you'd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She's got some children. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It's tragic. Just tragic. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You want music? Andy: I don't care. Jim: Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you'll be all right. Andy: Yeah. Jim: [singing the intro to The Lion King's "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"] A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Andy: You know what--- I don't--- Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Andy: [Joins in with classic Andy falsetto] Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube! Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Andy: Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube! Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Andy: Sweet. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [walks in dressed as Jim] Pam. Pam: Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today. Dwight: [scoffs] Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen. Karen: Hey, Dwight, lookin' sharp. Dwight: Yeah, that's cause I'm... you're boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend? Jim: Do you? Karen: No. Jim: OK. Karen: I'm good. Thanks. Jim: [Dwight imitates the "Jim face"] Look at that. Dwight: I'm Jim Halpert. [more horrible "Jim faces"] Jim: Spot on. Dwight: Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh.

Plan: A: Paper; Q: What was sent out with an obscene cartoon watermark? A: Dunder Mifflin Scranton; Q: What is the name of the branch of Dunder Mifflin that the show is set in? A: an obscene cartoon watermark; Q: What was on the paper? A: damage control; Q: What does the business go into? A: service; Q: What do the accountants attempt to provide for angry customers? A: Michael; Q: Who contacts the media? A: the media; Q: Who does Michael contact in an attempt to avoid scandal? A: a local high school; Q: Where did Jim and Andy go to apologize? A: the principal; Q: Who did Jim and Andy apologize to? A: Andy's girlfriend; Q: Who do Jim and Andy bump into at the high school? A: a student; Q: What is Andy's girlfriend? Summary: Paper from Dunder Mifflin Scranton with an obscene cartoon watermark left by a disgruntled paper-mill ex-employee are accidentally sent out, throwing the business into damage control. The accountants attempt to provide service for angry customers, while Michael contacts the media in a misguided attempt to avoid scandal. Meanwhile, Jim and Andy go to a local high school to apologize personally to the principal, and they bump into Andy's girlfriend, who turns out to be a student there.

[ The apartment ] Penny: Hey, how are things going with your parents? Raj: Not great. They hired divorce attorneys. Sheldon: You know, speaking of attorneys, if I ever needed a lawyer, I would not hire She-Hulk. Penny: You know what? That was almost on topic. I'm gonna say good job, Sheldon. Amy: Wait, She-Hulk's a lawyer? Howard: Yeah, she works at a law firm in New York. Sheldon: Yes, but she's the only monster at the firm. Between you, me and the wall, I think she's an affirmative action hire. Raj: Anyway, Dad's gonna be here in town, so I won't be able to do Christmas dinner this year. Amy: If you're not up to hosting Christmas dinner, I'm happy to do it. You can even bring your father. Raj: That would be nice. Amy: I've always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding. Sheldon: Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I'm not going. Amy: You're going. Sheldon: Why do you hate me? Amy: I don't hate you. I love you. Sheldon: Well, you call it love, but it has a lot of raisins in it. Raj: Amy, good luck getting these guys excited about a dinner with a theme. I gave up when no one cared about my Tom Hanks-giving. Bernadette: I think a Victorian Christmas sounds nice. Howard: I agree. Leonard: Why not? Penny: Me, too. Raj: You guys suck. [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ We built the Wall ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] We built the pyramids [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] Bang! [SCENE_BREAK] [ The University clean room ] Leonard: You know the best part of working in the clean room? No allergies. Check it out. Oh, that, that, that's a lot of oxygen. Howard: We should get going to Amy's. Leonard: Can you believe there was a time when we would have needed an array of giant Cherenkov telescopes to detect cosmic particles? And here we are building our own multi-wire detector like a couple of badasses. Howard: I know. If we were still single, we'd be tripping over all that booty. Leonard: Ladies do love a man dressed like a kitchen garbage bag. Oh, no. Howard: How the hell did a pigeon get in here? Leonard: You shut the loading doors, right? Howard: I thought you did. Leonard: Do you know what a disaster this is? Howard: You mean 'cause this room isn't supposed to have dust in it, and we just let in a flying crap machine? Leonard: What do we do? Should we call someone? Howard: And tell them that we compromised all the equipment? Let's just get it out of here before anyone knows. Leonard: Okay, how do we catch it? Howard: Well, what if we turn off all the lights except for one, and it'll come to it. Leonard: It's not a moth. Howard: Don't yell at me. You're not gonna get any good ideas out of me if you're yelling. Leonard: Okay, so if I remain calm, I'll get more gems like turn off the lights? Howard: Great, we're turning on each other. That's just what the bird wants us to do. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Amy's apartment ] Penny: So, Dr. Koothrappali, long flight? Dr Koothrappali: Twenty hours. Penny: Oh, that's rough. Dr Koothrappali: Not at all. Did you know that when you fly transcontinental without your wife, you don't pray for the plane to crash? Raj: Can we please talk about anything else? Dr Koothrappali: Forgive me. How are you and Leonard? Penny: Oh, great. Everything's good. Dr Koothrappali: I see you got engaged. Penny: Yes, we did. Dr Koothrappali: Let me tell you a story. Raj: Dad. Dr Koothrappali: Sorry. I'm sure you won't grow to hate each other. Raj (on phone): Hey, Leonard. What's up? What? How did that happen? Yeah, okay. I'll be there as soon as I can. Sorry. I have to run to the university. Amy: What's going on? Raj: There's been a problem with an experiment. A bird got into the clean room. Dr Koothrappali: You want me to come? Raj: Uh, no. You had a long flight. You stay here and relax. Dr Koothrappali: Relax. Easy for you to say. Your mother isn't cleaning out your bank account. Forty years, the woman never cleaned a thing. Penny: You're just gonna leave him here? Dr Koothrappali: Relax, he says. Raj: Yup. Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bernadette's car ] Bernadette (singing): Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane. Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pulling on the reins. Sheldon: Yeah, I appreciate the ride. Bernadette (singing): Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. So hang your stockings and say your prayers 'cause Santa Claus is coming tonight. Why'd you turn it off? Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him. Bernadette: Maybe you'd like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children. Sheldon: My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma. Bernadette: Okay, new subject. Let's talk about presents. What did you get Amy? Sheldon: Oh, we're not exchanging gifts. Bernadette: Come on, Sheldon, you have to get her something. Sheldon: Why should I? She knows that I don't like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana s*x show. Bernadette: She's just excited about the holidays. Sheldon: Yes, and she's not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it's time I teach her a lesson. Bernadette: How? Sheldon: Hmm. It'd have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she's making me. Oh, I've got it. This is good. Bernadette: What? Sheldon: I'm going to buy her a present. Bernadette: Yeah, you're gonna have to walk me through that. Sheldon: With gift-giving, there's an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn't have one for me, she'll feel terrible. Bernadette: Then you're both sad? Sheldon: Yes. Maybe she'll feel so guilty, she'll never make me celebrate the holidays again. Bernadette: So your evil plot here is to buy your girlfriend a present? Sheldon: That's right. So stay on my good side, or I'll get you a little something, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The clean room ] Howard: Okay, here's the plan. I'm gonna put the food in the bag, and when he lands in the bag to eat it, we close it up. Leonard: A Slim Jim? Howard: It's all I could find. It'll work. Leonard: Sure. If the pigeon's stoned or a trucker. Howard: Okay, well, what's your plan? Leonard: I told you my plan. Let's call Building Services and get help. Howard: And admit that we contaminated the clean room? Leonard: No, admit that you contaminated the clean room. Howard: Why do you keep assuming it was me? Leonard: Because you do this kind of thing all the time, and then you try to cover it up. Howard: Like when? Leonard: What about when you flipped the Mars Rover, or lost Koothrappali's dog, or almost drove off with that baby? Howard: Again, it looked like my car, and the baby didn't even cry until his mother punched me with her keys. Leonard: Fine, put the Slim Jim in the garbage bag. Howard: Well, what if you said it without sounding so condescending? Leonard: I can try, but your plan has the words garbage bag and Slim Jim in it. Raj: Hey, what's going on? Leonard: Oh. Genius here wants to catch a bird with a garbage bag and a Slim Jim. Raj: Should have put it in the bag first. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Amy's apartment ] Penny: So, if you don't mind me asking, do you think you might start dating again? Dr Koothrappali: It's much too soon for that. Why? Do you know someone? Penny: No, but if things don't work out with me and Leonard, I'll give you a call. Wait. How much do you talk about Star Trek? Amy: Okay, let's get this Victorian party started. I've done some research about some traditional parlour games we can play. Penny: Like what? Amy: Well, there's a fun one called Ball of Wool. You take a ball of wool, and you put it right in the centre of the table. Then people sit on opposite sides of the table and try to blow the wool off. Penny: Sorry. She's taken, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The clean room ] Howard: You know what I think your problem is? You're jealous because you and I used to be best friends until Koothrappali came along. Leonard: And you found somebody you could push around? Raj: Hey. Howard: Stay out of this. Raj: Okay. Howard: You know, maybe I'm best friends with Raj because he doesn't think he's smarter than me. Raj: Actually. Howard: I said, stay out of it. Leonard: No, no, no. No, Raj, go ahead, say what you were gonna say. Raj: All I'm gonna say is you guys need to stop this right now. It. it's bad enough that my parents are fighting, now I have to hear the two of you? And who cares who's smarter? If it's Leonard or me or, you know, it's Christmas, let's say it's Howard. Howard: Well, if you're so smart, you get the bird out. Raj: No, you're the one who let him in. Howard: How do you know it wasn't Leonard? Raj: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [ A shopping mall ] Bernadette: What about that sweater? Sheldon: No, it's not good enough. It has to be perfect. Bernadette: I think the nicest gifts I've got from Howie show how well he knows me. Sheldon: Hmm. Let's see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer's her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she's playing along. Bernadette: Wow, you really do love her. Sheldon: I do. Now, let's find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Amy's apartment ] Amy: You won. Penny: Certainly doesn't feel like it, does it? Dr Koothrappali: You know, my wife used to throw theme parties like this all the time. Penny: Oh, I guess that's where Raj gets it from. Dr Koothrappali: Well, he and his mother spent a lot of time together when he was young. I was always working. Penny: Hey, you know, Raj is dating a doctor who works a lot. Him and his mom have a type. You, you got to laugh at that, right? No? All right. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Santa's grotto ] Santa: All right, let me see if I've got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way to punish your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas? Sheldon: Correct. Santa: Santa thinks dating you may be punishment enough. Sheldon: There's an argument for that. But I want to make sure. Photographer: Smile. Santa: Ho, ho. ho. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The clean room ] Leonard: Okay. On the count of three, I'll shoot the fire extinguisher and get him airborne. Howard, you wave the blanket and guide him towards the exit. Raj, you hold open the curtain so he can fly out. Howard: Are you sure a dummy like me can handle something as complicated as a blanket? Leonard: Do you want the fire extinguisher? Howard: Yeah, I do. Leonard: Great. Here you go. Howard: Okay. One, two, three. Raj: Uh, you have to take the pin out. Leonard: You miss the blanket now, don't you? Howard: On three. One, two, three. Raj: What did you do? Howard: It was an accident. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Leonard: Relax, it wasn't your fault. Howard: Uh, maybe it's just stunned. Raj: Dude, it's not breathing. Howard: Oh, no. I killed it. Oh, not again. Raj: What do you mean, not again? Howard: When I was ten, I was playing in my backyard and sat on a blue jay. I mean, I tried to bring it back to life with electricity, but it just caught on fire. The worst part was it smelled delicious. Leonard: Uh, guys, I found an article here that says you can do CPR on birds. Howard: Great. Do it. Leonard: I'm not doing it. You killed him, you do it. Raj: I'll do it. Howard: No. I need to do it. This is on me. Leonard: Okay. Mouth over beak and light chest compressions. Raj: Don't blow too hard. If you pop him, I will vomit. Leonard: Anything? Howard: I am tasting a lot of Slim Jim. Leonard: Wait, wait, his wing moved. Howard: Oh, he blinked his eyes. He's alive. Raj: It's a Christmas miracle. Howard: I might argue a Hanukkah miracle, but I'll take it. Come on, little guy, let's get you outside. Get the curtain. Raj: Someone should really close that loading door. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The same, later ] Raj: Well, that's that. The room's compromised. They'll have to change all the filters, probably shut it down for weeks. Howard: You were right. Go ahead, call Building Services. Tell them it was my fault. Leonard: No, we're both to blame. You know, let me take the heat on this one. Raj: Yeah, just leave me out of it. You know if they come here and see crap everywhere, they're just gonna blame the Indian guy. Leonard (on phone): Hey. I'm sorry, we're still here. Is everything okay? Penny: It's kind of boring. Although it did get exciting for a minute when Amy inhaled a wool ball. How much longer do you think you'll be? Leonard: I don't know. There's still a bird in here. We are gonna get in a ton of trouble. Penny: Honey, it's Christmas Eve. Who even knows you're in there? Leonard: No, our names are on the sign-in sheet. Penny: So erase them and walk out. Leonard: I can't do that. Howard: Can't do what? Leonard: She says take our names off the sign-in sheet and leave. Howard: We can't do that. Leonard: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Leonard's car ] Leonard, Howard and Raj (singing): Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Amy's apartment ] Raj: Mmm. Amy, that pudding was delicious. Sheldon: If you like raisins. Amy: Thank you. And it's figs. Sheldon: Oh. Oh, in that case, it was pretty good. Bernadette: You feeling okay? You hardly touched your goose. Howard: It smelled too much like blue jay. Dr Koothrappali: Can I help you clean up? Amy: Oh, you Heimliched a ball of wool out of me; you're good. Sheldon: Uh, what do you say we exchange gifts? Penny: Oh, Sheldon, we didn't bring any. Leonard: I thought you hate giving gifts. Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this. Amy: You got me something? Sheldon: Oh, not just something, no. It's from the heart, it's holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it. Amy: Look at you on Santa's lap. That's so sweet. Sheldon: Of course it is. It's the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish? Amy: No, I love it. Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let's never speak of it again. Well, this was fun. Amy: Actually, I did get you something. Sheldon: But what about our agreement? Amy: Well, you got me something. Here. Sheldon: Cookies? Amy: They're your Meemaw's Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe. Sheldon: They're perfect. It tastes like her hugs. Amy: Merry Christmas, Sheldon. Sheldon: I can't believe this. You're happy, I'm happy. Well, maybe a holiday that's all about giving isn't so... Get your hand out of that box. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Amy's apartment - later ] Amy: Okay. The next game is called Hot Boiled Beans. Penny: Of course it is. Amy: One person is sent out of the room while the others hide a small item. Then they invite the first person back by saying hot boiled beans and bacon for supper, hurry up before it gets cold. Raj: If you people think this is better than Tom Hanks-giving, you're all crazy.

Plan: A: Christmas; Q: What holiday is Raj unable to host dinner for? A: town; Q: What is Raj's father coming to? A: his divorce; Q: Why is Raj's father depressed? A: Amy; Q: Who hosts a Victorian era Christmas dinner? A: a Victorian era; Q: What type of Christmas dinner does Amy host? A: Her traditional party games; Q: What bores everyone? A: the dinner; Q: What does Sheldon want revenge for? A: the mistletoe; Q: What did Sheldon and Amy kiss under? A: Bernadette; Q: Who takes Sheldon to the mall? A: the mall; Q: Where does Bernadette take Sheldon to get his picture taken with Santa? A: a frame; Q: What does Sheldon get Amy for Christmas? A: his grandmother's recipe; Q: What are the cookies made from? A: Leonard; Q: Who tells Howard how to revive the pigeon? A: Howard; Q: Who accidentally injured the pigeon? A: a clean room; Q: What kind of room were Leonard and Howard working in? A: a pigeon; Q: What type of bird flies into the clean room? A: Raj's help; Q: Who helped Leonard and Howard try to get the pigeon out of the clean room? A: a fire extinguisher; Q: What does Howard use to hurt the pigeon? A: a crow; Q: What bird flies into the lab after the pigeon? A: Penny; Q: Who convinces Howard and Leonard to leave the lab? A: their names; Q: What do Penny, Howard, and Leonard erase from the sign-up sheet? Summary: Raj will be unable to host Christmas dinner as his father is coming to town and is depressed about his divorce. Amy hosts a Victorian era Christmas dinner instead. Her traditional party games bore everyone. Sheldon and Amy have agreed not to exchange gifts, but Sheldon decides to get her one anyway as revenge for the dinner and kissing him in public under the mistletoe. Bernadette takes him to the mall where he gets his picture taken with Santa and a frame which includes a personalized Christmas message to Amy. To his surprise she loves it and gives him a box of Christmas cookies made from his grandmother's recipe, making them both happy and makes Sheldon wonder about the spirit of giving presents at Christmas time. Meanwhile, Leonard and Howard are working together in a clean room when a pigeon flies in. They are unable to get the bird out even with Raj's help. Howard is devastated when he accidentally injures the pigeon with a blast from a fire extinguisher. Leonard tells him how to revive it; however, a crow flies in. Howard and Leonard agree to take the blame for ruining the lab together until Penny convinces them to erase their names off the sign-up sheet for the lab and leave.

[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RICHMOND MANSION - NIGHT] (People with money mingle amongst themselves. PATRICK HAYNES mingles with his party guests, the cream of the Las Vegas society.) Patrick Haynes: Nice suit. (He makes his way around the floor with a champagne glass in his hand and smiles when he sees a familiar face.) Patrick Haynes: Welcome. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Congratulations, Patrick. Patrick Haynes: Well, thank you, Sheriff. Your presence here means a lot tonight. Mrs. Burton: Is that for me? Patrick Haynes: Are you talking about the glass or the bubbly? Mrs. Burton: I was talking about the smile on your face. (He laughs.) Patrick Haynes: Well, if I'm smiling, it's because we raised $1.6 million for Mrs. Richmond's Burn Center tonight. (Behind them, he sees AMANDA HAYNES step up on the side. He hands a glass to MRS. BURTON.) Patrick Haynes: That sort of generosity deserves a raise of the glass, huh? (He turns and raises his glass to the large portrait of PORTIA RICHMOND hanging on the wall.) Patrick Haynes: To Portia. Mrs. Burton: To Portia. Patrick: It's a shame she couldn't be here tonight. (AMANDA HAYNES makes her way toward PATRICK.) Patrick Haynes: Hey. We did it. Amanda Haynes: We sure did. (He turns and kisses her.) (Outside a woman screams.) (Cut to: Everyone ruses toward the glass windows to see what's happening.) (Cut to: In the pool, a woman floats head down. Dead. Everyone rushes outside to look.) (PATRICK and AMANDA HAYNES make their way toward the side of the pool to look.) Patrick Haynes: Excuse - excuse me. WHITE FLASH TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. POOL SIDE - NIGHT - LATER] (An OFFICER walks into the pool to get the body. He flips the dead woman over and pulls her toward the side.) (GRISSOM walks over along the side of the pool. In the background, OFFICERS keep the party attendees gathered away from the pool.) Grissom: Excuse me. (GRISSOM walks over to the SHERRIF and BRASS.) Grissom: Nice tux, Sheriff. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Do you know whose house this is? Grissom: To know this town is to know its celebrities and their histories. Portia Richmond was a legendary showgirl in her day. But, that's not her. (A camera flashes.) Brass: Maybe thirty years ago when she was the headliner at the Lido de Paris. Grissom: Who found her? Brass: Look around you. (sighs) This is going to take all nigh (GRISSOM turns to look at BRASS ... ) Grissom: Come for the hors d'oeuvres - (... he turns to look at the party goers.) Grissom: ... stay for the interrogation. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. RICHMOND MANSION - POOL - NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks into the house from the pool. He's on the phone.) Grissom: (to phone) Yes, sir. Well, I'll do my best. (He crosses the lobby, hangs up the phone and heads out the front door just as the Tahoe carrying the others parks. They exit the car.) Grissom: All right, you guys, like I said on the phone it was a big party, and it's a huge house so we're going to divide and conquer. Nick, tonight you do the overall sketch, all right? Catherine and Warrick, you got the pool area. (GRISSOM turns and leaves.) Catherine: I'll take the shallow end. Warrick: Guess I'm going deep. (CATHERINE opens the car door to get her things.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. POOL SIDE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE walks along side the shallow end of the pool, looking at the sides and into the water.) (Cut to: WARRICK snaps a picture, then looks out into the pool. He sees something in the water that catches his attention. He moves in closer for a look and definitely sees something shining at the bottom of the pool.) (He takes a picture of the item in the pool.) (Cut to: NICK steps up to the lagoon and looks out at the fish inside the small pool. GRISSOM stands next to him.) Nick: I wonder how much it costs to feed all these fish. (GRISSOM doesn't say anything, but looks at NICK'S sketch pad. NICK looks back at GRISSOM and nods.) Nick: Hmm? Right. (GRISSOM turns and walks away.) (Cut to: CATHERINE kneels down on the grass and finds something red. She picks it up and looks at the fake nail.) (Cut to: WARRICK looks around and takes his shirt off. He walks into the pool water, then when he gets deep enough, he dives in. He swims over to the shiny thing at the bottom of the pool and picks it up. It has the letters: CM on it.) (Cut to: NICK and GRISSOM walk over along the side of the pool. NICK chuckles and turns to look at GRISSOM. WARRICK breaks surface.) Nick: Marco? Warrick: Polo. (WARRICK stands up in the pool) Nick: (teasing) You want to get out of there, sir? Pool closed at sundown. Catherine: (joining in) Can I get you a towel, sir? (WARRICK walks out of the pool.) Warrick: (dryly) Yeah, please. Grissom: What'd you find? (He shows them the cuff link.) Warrick: Looks like a cuff link. Initials "C.M." (GRISSOM takes it and looks at it. They all look at it.) Catherine: Turquoise and silver. Breaks down the regionality to the southwest -- maybe Arizona, New Mexico, Texas. Grissom: Good catch, pal. You get the guest list. Check for C.M.s. (GRISSOM leaves.) Warrick: I'm going to be wet all night. (NICK snickers.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (GRISSOM opens the autopsy room door and walks in, a puzzled look on his face. Inside, he finds DR. ROBBINS hunched over the far counter, a machine whirring.) Grissom: I defect a bitter alkaloid. Dr. Albert Robbins: Don't tell anybody. My weakness. (He turns around to show a coffee machine. He holds out a coffee mug to GRISSOM.) Dr. Albert Robbins: One macchiato, tall. Grissom: Coffee machine courtesy of the city, I presume? Dr. Albert Robbins: When the coroner asks for something, they don't question it. Grissom: Cheers. Dr. Albert Robbins: Cheers. Come on. Grissom: Have we I.D.'D her yet? Dr. Albert Robbins: Working on it. She's had a few upgrades. Submalar augmentation. Rhinoplasty. Silicone breasts. Grissom: Run a serial number on the implants. Instant I.D. (GRISSOM lifts up the sheet to look under it.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Our field's come a long way, hasn't it? Grissom: Hmm. Dr. Albert Robbins: Got a whole menu here. Petechiael hemorrhaging, bruising around the neck ... (Quick CGI POV to inside the neck and the broken bone.) Dr. Albert Robbins: (V.O.) ... broken hyoid bone. Grissom: (V.O.) She was strangled. (The bone snaps. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Dr. Albert Robbins: (shakes his head) No water in the lungs. She was dead before she hit the water. (DR. ROBBINS takes a sip of coffee.) Grissom: Strangulation's a man's crime. Dr. Albert Robbins: Preaching to the converted. Grissom: Do me a favor, Doc. Photograph her injuries. Run a s*x assault kit. Include infrared for subdural bruising. (GRISSOM takes a step away to leave, but DR. ROBBINS stops him by taking the mug back.) Dr. Albert Robbins: This is our little secret. (GRISSOM looks seriously at DR. ROBBINS, then nods his head. GRISSOM leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RICHMOND MANSION - NIGHT] (WARRICK is inside putting his clothes back on. CATHERINE walks in, she's just got off the phone.) Catherine: Hey. Warrick: Hi. Catherine: 419 at the Sphere, glass elevator. You're on it. Warrick: This is a big case. I'm in a groove here. Catherine: Well, groove on down to The Strip. Warrick: (disappointed) Whatever happened to "you cross the tape, you go the distance"? (CATHERINE dials the phone.) Catherine: I was probably saying that to get you to service my needs at the time. (The phone rings.) Warrick: Great. Voice On Phone (Sara): Hello? Catherine: (to phone) Hey, Sara. You sleeping? (smiling) Oh ... (CATHERINE turns and walks away. WARRICK continues to get dressed, a gruff look on his face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RICHMOND MANSION - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT] (BRASS is interviewing PATRICK and AMANDA HAYNES. He turns and excuses himself.) Brass: Excuse me for a minute. (He walks toward GRISSOM and CATHERINE.) Brass: Hi. Well, I got the horsepower on everybody here. 99% of the people know nothing, saw nothing. Big surprise. Grissom: What about Portia Richmond? (They glance over at the portrait.) Brass: Well, according to her friends she's been romancing some young stallion for over a month. She's in love. She's cruising the Mediterranean on some yacht, eating cheese cubes. Got a couple watching the house. Apparently, she often takes in strays. Mr. and Mrs. Haynes, this is Gil Grissom and Catherine Willows. They're from the crime lab. Catherine: Hi. Grissom: Do you mind if we ask you a few more questions? Patrick Haynes: By all means. Grissom: How is it that you know Portia Richmond? Amanda Haynes: Oh, we met her at the Murado at the top of the Mediterranean. Brass: You need an oil well in your backyard to belong to that place. Catherine: Private club fifty grand a year just to walk through the door. Patrick Haynes: But worth every penny. Amanda Haynes: It was like we'd known Portia all our lives. (laughs) Has that ever happened to you? Grissom: (shakes his head) No. Patrick: We were new in town. Portia introduced us around, and took us under her wing. Amanda Haynes: We were from back east, and we had mutual acquaintances. Catherine: And you're house-sitting? Or you're living in? Patrick Haynes: House-sitting while hunting for our own place. Portia refused to take any money from us. Amanda Haynes: She wouldn't even let us pay for a dinner. Patrick Haynes: That's why, when she took off to Europe ... Amanda Haynes: This charity event. Patrick Haynes: It's the least we could do. After all, we know how to throw a party. Brass: You can say that again. Grissom: Did you know the deceased woman? Patrick Haynes: No. GRISSOM And you, miss? Amanda Haynes: Well, as far as I know she wasn't even on the guest list. (No one says anything to that.) Patrick Haynes: Something wrong? Grissom: Yes. (beat) A woman's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MEDITERRANEAN HOTEL - SHOWROOM - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE stand backstage of the showroom where LACEY DUVALL worked talking with the STAGE MANAGER. An entire line of showgirls in full outfits walks by the group.) Stage Manager: Lacey Duvall murdered. She was here last night. Unbelievable. Catherine: Could you put us in touch with someone who was close to her? (As they women walk by, GRISSOM'S jaw drops and he stares at the women.) Stage Manager: Sure. Rachel Carson. They were best friends. Like sisters. She's in back. Follow me. (The STAGE MANAGER pushes past them to lead them to the back. CATHERINE moves to follow and notices GRISSOM still staring at the women, his mouth hanging open.) Catherine: Close your mouth. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE interviews RACHEL CARSON while GRISSOM looks around the dressing room.) Rachel Carson: She was seeing some rich married guy. Catherine: Did he have a name? Rachel Carson: Yeah, but she wouldn't tell me. You know, that's the thing that was so weird. He refused to tell her anything about himself. Anything. I told her it gave me the creeps but you couldn't talk to her. You know? (GRISSOM looks at LACEY DUVALL'S dressing table space on which she has a small framed plaque reading: "LACEY DUVALL PROMOTED".) Catherine: Turned on by the mystery and the s*x. I've been there. (On the table top, he sees something interesting. He reaches into his pocket for his gloves and starts to put them on.) (A dancer pushes the curtain aside and walks in.) Dancer: Hi. (GRISSOM looks up, surprised.) Dancer: (smiling) Do you need a hand with that? (GRISSOM glances down at the latex gloves he's putting on.) Grissom: Uh ... no, thanks. I'll be fine. Dancer: Are you a doctor? Grissom: Of sorts. I'm just, um ... looking around. Dancer: See anything you like? Grissom: Yes. I do. (GRISSOM turns back to the dressing table and sits down. He reaches to the back of the table and picks up the music box.) (The DANCER watches him for a moment, then walks away.) (He opens it and it starts playing "Waltz of the Flowers".) Grissom: Catherine? (She turns around.) Grissom: Tchaikovsky's "Waltz of the Flowers." (He looks under the box and smiles.) Catherine: What's with the smile? (Under the box is an engraved plaque that reads: "To my Beloved Portia / Your Husband, L / March 7, 1969".) Grissom: It's playing our song. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY BY GLASS ELEVATOR - NIGHT] (WARRICK rides up the escalator to the floor.) Warrick: Detective Conroy. Det. Conroy: What happened? You get bumped from first class? Warrick: No. I do my best work solo. (beat) On the clock, that is. What you got? (She turns and leads WARRICK back to where the body is.) Det. Conroy: Walk-through. In plain sight. Risky move. (He puts his kit down and looks at the body.) Warrick: All around the ten-ring, once between the eyes. Entry wound give you anything? Small caliber? Det. Conroy: You like to work solo. Take a look for yourself. (WARRICK eyes the detective, then takes out his flashlight to approach the body. He kneels down and looks around.) Det. Conroy: Any thoughts? (A camera flashes. Inside the bullet wound is a coin tucked into his forehead. Camera flashes to: The gun. Flash to: Burned pieces of newspaper bits. Flash to: The empty bullet casing on the floor.) (WARRICK looks back up at the Detective.) Warrick: Professional hit. (Quick flashback to: The HIT MAN walks into the elevator carrying a newspaper. He presses the button and the elevator door closes. He stands next to the deceased.) Tyson Green: Hey, well, how did the Knicks make out? Hit Man: Better than you. (The HITMAN raises the newspaper covering the gun and fires five times at point blank range. TYSON GREEN falls back dead. The HIT MAN fires a final shot into his forehead. He drops the newspaper and the gun, then tucks a coin into TYSON GREEN'S forehead.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: Times have changed since the canary days, huh? Det. Conroy: "Canary days?" Warrick: Yeah. Brass used to tell me, back in the day when the mob would make a hit they'd leave a canary, 'cause the guy sang. Det. Conroy: And the quarter stands for? Warrick: "Call someone who cares." Det. Conroy: It's almost like the guy wants to get caught. Warrick: When you leave a gun, you know it's clean. The gun just traces back to itself. Det. Conroy: The killer cut you off at the knees. What are you going to do? Warrick: All I can do -- follow protocol. (WARRICK looks at the elevator panel.) Det. Conroy: You're going to print the entire elevator? Warrick: It's like the circle bar on a friday night ... three million people on top of each other. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (GRISSOM sits back behind his desk looking at the music box. CATHERINE walks into the office.) Catherine: Let me guess: You're wondering why Lacey Duvall had a music box engraved to Portia Richmond. Grissom: You think? Catherine: Maybe it's as simple as they knew each other and she gave it to her. Grissom: If they knew each other, why wasn't she on the guest list? (He flips the box over to show the plaque.) Grissom: March 7, 1969, mean anything to you? Meant something to the Richmonds. Catherine: You know, when Eddie and I were first married -- when things were kind of good? On the anniversary of the day we first met, he'd always give me a lace teddy. Well, I mean, I know it's not a music box, but ... Grissom: Music box, lace teddy, it's all the same thing -- it's tradition. And the joy of tradition is in the constant repetition. Catherine: Right. (GRISSOM opens the music box and the final strains play.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (SARA and NICK walk down the hallway. SARA is upset that she got called in on her day off.) Sara: What am I? ... working food and beverage at one of the hotels? I haven't had a day off in three weeks. I mean, if they're going to call me in, throw me a bone. Give me the 419 on the elevator. Nick: Someone's bitter. Sara: I'm tired. Nick: You? Tired? I thought you never sleep. (NICK laughs. SARA lets out a big yawn.) Nick: (smirks, thoroughly enjoying himself) Nice. Nice. (They both walk into the DNA lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - CONTINUOUS] (GREG SANDERS sits in his chair and turns the music on and up. He swings around, completely hyped up as the music blares in his lab.) Nick: What up, G? Sara: You're awake. I hate you. Greg Sanders: A couple of glasses of merlot. Rack of lamb on my day off. I slept like a baby yesterday. You look horrible. Sara: Thanks, Greg. (GREG nods at NICK.) Nick: Don't look at me. I've got 'sunshine' all night. (NICK glances over at SARA who glares back at him, definitely catching exactly who he's calling "sunshine".) Nick: (continues) Check for DNA in the sexual assault kit and the fingernail, please. Sara: Everything has to be in CODIS ASAP. Greg Sanders: Oh, is that all? I want to know who's going to authorize my overtime? Sara: Suck it up, Greg. You're well-rested. (SARA walks away. GREG looks over at NICK who doesn't say anything.) Greg Sanders: You want a valium for her? Sara: (o.s.) I heard that. (NICK smiles at GREG, then turns to follow SARA out the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RICHMOND MANSION - LIBRARY - DAY] (CATHERINE opens the display case and grabs one of the many music boxes on the shelves. She looks under.) Catherine: March 7, 1973. (GRISSOM puts on his glasses and grabs another music box and checks the inscription under it.) Grissom: March 7, 1981. (CATHERINE checks another.) Catherine: March 7, 1956. (And another.) Catherine: March 7,1986. Grissom: I bet he gave her one every anniversary until he died. Catherine: She wouldn't give away a gift this sentimental. (CATHERINE picks up another music box and opens it. "Fur Elise" plays.) Catherine: It's not "waltz of the flowers." (In the background, there's a thumping sound coming from somewhere in the house.) (GRISSOM notices and steps away to locate the sound. CATHERINE closes the music box and the thumping sound is heard again.) (GRISSOM hears it coming from upstairs. CATHERINE puts the music box back and joins GRISSOM.) Catherine: The seal on the door wasn't broken. (The sounds continue. GRISSOM takes off his glasses and heads upstairs.) (They both walk cautiously up the staircase where the thumping sounds get louder.) (GRISSOM approaches the bedroom door which is slightly open. There's heavy breathing and some groaning coming from inside. GRISSOM knocks lightly on the door.) Grissom: Las Vegas Police Department. (He pushes the door open and finds PATRICK and AMANDA HAYNES on the couch.) (They look up at GRISSOM and CATHERINE in the doorway.) (GRISSOM closes the door on them.) Catherine: Caught in the act. Grissom: I think that was the point. Catherine: Oh, yeah. (CATHERINE turns to walk away. GRISSOM follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY] (SARA sits at the break room table. NICK hands her a cup of coffee. She shakes her head.) Sara: No, I can't drink any more coffee. My body clock is so screwed up. I just want a steak and a shot. Nick: Tut's Tomb. Steak and eggs, $1.99. (NICK takes a sip of coffee.) Sara: (hopeful) Food? Good idea. You're on. (GREG bursts into the room.) Greg Sanders: It's what I live for. You guys are never going to believe this. You ready? Sara: So much for the steak. I'll take the coffee. (NICK hands SARA the cup of coffee.) Greg Sanders: Yeah. Okay, sexual assault kit on Lacey Duvall -- dead showgirl -- came back positive for semen, but that's nothing. Ran it through CODIS. Seminal DNA matches a cold case from Texas. (excited) A dead cheerleader! Ten years ago! (NICK laughs.) Nick: Two for one. Sara: Okay, I'm up. (GREG cheers with excitement, then rushes out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RICHMOND MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (GRISSOM is on the phone in the lobby when BRASS walks into the house.) Grissom: (to phone) Sir, I have four criminalists working on this. No ... as soon as we find something tangible I'll call you, I promise. (GRISSOM hangs up.) Brass: Sheriff? Grissom: Yeah, he calls me every hour. I can't get anything done. Brass: Every half for me. (CATHERINE watches as PATRICK and AMANDA HAYNES walk down the staircase in their robes.) Patrick Haynes: I hope we didn't embarrass you. Catherine: A little late for that. (BRASS looks over at GRISSOM who looks away. He looks over at CATHERINE who turns around to meet the gaze.) Brass: Yeah, uh ... hi. (AMANDA HAYNES sits down while PATRICK gets them something to drink.) Brass: I just have a few more questions about the whereabouts of Mrs. Richmond. Patrick Haynes: Fire away. Drinks for anybody else? Grissom: No, thank you. (BRASS clears his throat. PATRICK puts an open bottle of water with a straw on the table in front of AMANDA. GRISSOM eyes the straw. PATRICK takes a seat next to AMANDA.) Brass: So, let's, uh ... let's just take baby steps. Where is she? Patrick Haynes: On a yacht somewhere in the Greek Isles. Brass: And if someone wanted to reach her? Patrick Haynes: You have a compass? Brass: Yeah. Patrick Haynes: She's incommunicado. Catherine: Big word. Amanda Haynes: Have we done something wrong? (AMANDA HAYNES takes a sip of her water. GRISSOM watches her. She notices.) Amanda Haynes: What? Grissom: May I have your straw? (AMANDA looks at GRISSOM, amused.) Grissom: (embarrassed) I ... I collect them. (She laughs, then gives GRISSOM her straw.) Grissom: Thank you. Oh ... mind if I look around a little? Patrick Haynes: Have at it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RICHMOND MANSION - MASTER BEDROOM - DAY] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk into the master bedroom.) Grissom: The Hostess' bedroom. Catherine: Mm-hmm. Grissom: Too kinky. Catherine: Let me see if Portia took her bathing suit with her. (CATHERINE walks in and looks for the closet.) Catherine: Here we go. (She puts her kit down and turns on the light. GRISSOM looks around the bedroom.) Catherine: We've got a bathing suit, lingerie, jewels, wallet, bags ... I'm not so sure she's gone anywhere. Grissom: Shall we do the room, too? (GRISSOM turns to look at CATHERINE.) (Cut to: GRISSOM is on his hands and knees examining the floor where the carpet meets the wall.) (Cut to: CATHERINE looks on PORTIA RICHMOND'S dresser.) (Cut to: GRISSOM finds a safety pin in the carpet.) (Cut to: CATHERINE checks the sink drain.) (Cut to: GRISSOM looks through the scarves in the dresser drawer.) (Cut to: CATHERINE lifts the sheets and examines the bed.) (Cut to: GRISSOM looks around the room.) (Cut to: CATHERINE lifts up the pillows.) (Cut to: GRISSOM lowers the make-up kit cover and stands. He sighs, then looks over at the fireplace. He walks over and looks into the fireplace where he finds something. In the gravel just outside the fire, GRISSOM picks up a tooth.)) Grissom: I think the tooth fairy might have just left us a piece of Portia Richmond. Catherine: What? Grissom: Take a look. (CATHERINE walks over.) Catherine: Ugh. I guess now we have two cases. We've got a body without a murderer and a murder without a body. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (GREG stares at the tooth.) Greg Sanders: Oh, man, I got to get a raise for this. Catherine: Greg ... why don't you start the DNA profile on the tooth so that we can tell if it's Portia Richmond. Greg Sanders: Okay, well, but getting the DNA from the tooth is going to be easy. What am I supposed to compare it to? Catherine: How about the toothbrush and the hairbrush that we took from her vanity? Greg Sanders: Why don't you go talk to the dead-end twins over there? (GREG points to the scope. GRISSOM and CATHERINE both head in that direction. The look through the scope and find nothing.) [SCOPE VIEW of hairbrush bristles.] [SCOPE VIEW of toothbrush bristles.] (Both are clean.) Catherine: Nothing. Hmm. (CATHERINE and GRISSOM change places.) Catherine: So, either she's extremely hygienic, or... Grissom: ... Somebody did some serious spring cleaning. Greg Sanders: If you want to know if it's Portia you got to get the DNA somewhere. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE LIBERACE MUSEUM - DAY] (CATHERINE and BRASS walk into the LIBERACE MUSEUM.) Catherine: I can't believe I've been in this town twenty years and I've never seen the Liberace Museum. Brass: That's funny. I was just here a couple days ago. (CATHERINE looks at BRASS.) Catherine: I believe it. Tony Mumms: We have all of Liberace's costumes on display here. This one, for example, worn by Mr. Liberace in the 1984 world's fair in New Orleans. Catherine: Lovely. Tony Mumms: Mmm. Did you ever see one of the old shows? The Lido in the '50s? Brass: (shakes her head) Before my time. Tony Mumms: You weren't even born then, of course. Every dancer was from France. The attention to detail in the costumes was unparalleled. And the audience dressed to the nines. Catherine: Oh, yeah. Tony Mumms: The town was different then. The other great cities -- New York, Chicago, London -- they restored. But in this town, they destroy. Hmm. So you want to see what belonged to Portia Richmond? Catherine: Yes, please. (He lifts his arm to indicate the display to the side of them.) Tony Mumms: Folies Bergere, 1959. (They walk over to look at it.) Brass: (clears his throwat) Yeah ... um, looks heavy. Tony Mumms: Imagine that on your head, two shows a night. She used over fifteen combs and various epoxies and glues. They damn near had to drive a spike in her head to keep it from falling off. (CATHERINE leans in close to examine under the headpiece.) Catherine: Ow. Tony Mumms: She lost all her hair. (CATHERINE turns around to look at the curator. She reaches out and lifts up the headpiece. Camera zooms in to show the hair stuck in the headpiece.) Catherine: DNA heaven. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (WARRICK walks through the hallway. SHIBLEY calls out to him.) Shibley: Warrick. Personal artifacts from your elevator victim. (He holds out an envelope for WARRICK.) Warrick: Cool. You got an I.D. for me? Shibley: The driver's license is local. Tyson Green, 35. Can't drive without corrective lenses. Warrick: Too bad he wasn't driving that elevator. (They walk into the elevator vault. WARRICK opens the envelope. The evidence bags spill out into the table. WARRICK picks up the bag with the money in it.) Warrick: Ooh! Chicago bankroll. Shibley: This guy's not from out of town. Warrick: No, that's just a term. Old school. (The next envelope he picks up is a receipt from the HOTEL & CASINO, COMPLEMENTARY DINNER PASS.) Warrick: "Shrimp cocktail appetizer. Surf & turf dinner. Two glasses of wine. All comped. (He flips it over and it's dated, 2/4/01 for 2 people.) Shibley: Free food. Nice. (SHIBLEY takes the envelope.) Warrick: It ain't free, believe me. (The next envelope WARRICK picks up is a CASINO CREDIT MARKER #150328 FOR $400.00, also dated 2/4/01. WARRICK is silent as he looks at the marker.) Shibley: You okay? Warrick: Yeah. Yeah. (He opens the envelope and leafs through the markers.) Warrick: Been a long time since I seen these. (In the back, footsteps approach the evidence vault.) Det. Conroy: Hey, Brown. Just talked to Bobby Dawson in ballistics. He ran that .22 from the elevator. Serial number came back -- Vincent Morgan. Lives on the west side. (WARRICK nods.) Warrick: Cool. Det. Conroy: Coming? (WARRICK hands SHIBLEY the credit markers.) Warrick: Yeah. Will you log these for me? Shibley: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- CONTINUOUS] (WARRICK and DET. CONROY walk out into the hallway. They pass the print lab on their way out. WARRICK doubles back and pops into the print lab doorway.) Warrick: Mandy, you got any prints off of that quarter I found on the vic? Mandy: (without raising her head) Still working on it, Warrick. I don't work one case a day. (He leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM] (NICK opens the IssEx Box. The computer SARA'S working on beeps.) Sara: Bingo. Well, that only took 45 minutes. Nick: What do you got? (A message box appears on screen with the following: Haynes, Patrick SS#5688556267 DOB 1/10/1990 Deceased 8/15/1990 Age: 8 months ) Sara: A hit off Patrick Haynes' social security number. There's only one problem. He's an eight-month-old infant that died ten years ago. Nick: Same social? You're sure? (SARA doesn't answer, but gives him a look. NICK nods, then opens the box in front of him. It's a file. He opens the file and is extremely pleased by what he sees.) Nick: Bam! Sara: Something good? Nick: Oh, yeah. CUE MUSIC: (PRELAP) SHOW TUNE [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (With the PORTIA RICHMOND hairpiece on his head, GREG goes dancing out in the hallway. He kicks and swivels his hips.) Greg Sanders: (rhythmically) match, boom, match, boom (CATHERINE turns the corner and stops when she sees GREG.) Greg Sanders: (to the beat) match, boom - boom - match. Catherine: (smiles) You want to take that thing off your head, Greg? It's evidence. Greg Sanders: Cool your jets, Cath. I already got all the evidence out of it. Now ... it's all woman. Did you ever wear one of these when you were dancing? Catherine: I wore nothing but skin. Greg Sanders: Ooh. (Standing behind GREG is GRISSOM. CATHERINE sees GRISSOM and clears her throat. GREG turns around and finds himself face to face with GRISSOM. He takes the headpiece off of his head and reports.) Greg Sanders: I, uh, compared the DNA from the tooth with hair follicles found inside the headdress. I think we have a match, sir. And I think we may have a homicide. Excuse me. (GREG steps back into his lab. CATHERINE suppresses a grin and looks at GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MGM GRAND HOTEL - VALET AREA - NIGHT] (WARRICK and DET. CONROY question VINCENT MORGAN. DET. CONROY is on the phone.) Vincent Morgan: So, did I, like, break the law by not reporting it? Warrick: It's a good idea that, when your house is robbed you report that your registered gun was stolen. (She turns to WARRICK.) Det. Conroy: Guy's story checks out. He was robbed. Vincent Morgan: Yeah, look, my wife -- she's not real comfortable about having the gun in the house ever since we had our boy and I told her that I'd gotten rid of it but I never did. I mean, man, the last thing I ever expected was it'd be used in a murder. Warrick: We're going to keep your name on ice for a while. Thanks for your time. Vincent Morgan: Hey, thanks. Right on. (shouts) Oh, hey, bring up car 309! (WARRICK and DET. CONROY walk away from the parking area.) Warrick: Nobody kills anybody with their registered gun anymore. Det. Conroy: Isn't that the truth. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk into the restaurant to meet up with BRASS.) Grissom: Jim ... Brass: Hey. We got the whole place clocked. Keeping an eye on the Haynes couple. Sheriff doesn't want them skipping town. Grissom: And neither do we. We have a strong suspicion Portia Richmond is dead. (BRASS turns back to watching the HAYNES' at their table. They watch as they get up to leave. AMANDA HAYNES drapes her coat over a stole on a chair. She kisses PATRICK, then turns to grab her coat. She picks up both coats, then heads out the door.) Catherine: Did you see that? Grissom: They're on the grift. Catherine: She took that fur from right under their noses. (The HAYNES' turn the corner and run into BRASS.) Grissom: Hi. May we check your coats? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT] (BRASS, GRISSOM and CATHERINE interview PATRICK HAYNES.) Brass: What are you, a couple of kleptos? Patrick Haynes: I don't follow. Brass: A $5,000 stole your wife stole? What, are you guys in business? Patrick Haynes: Amanda didn't know she had even taken it till Mr. Grissom here told her. Brass: Is that kind of like the guy who, uh walks out of the auto mall with a nissan sentra in his pocket? Patrick Hanes: Why am I here? Why? Grissom: Jim ... may I? Mr. Haynes, we ran a sexual assault kit on Lacey Duvall. We found semen. Can you explain that? Patrick Haynes: Yeah. Yeah, my wife's not here. Time to convert lies into The Truth. I had s*x with Lacey before the party. Grissom: Would you mind giving us a DNA sample? Patrick Haynes: No. My relationship with Lacey was purely sexual. It was good s*x. Well ... great s*x. Whenever we could steal a moment, uh, we did. Just like an addiction. Catherine: Well, in addition to exchanging bodily fluids did you exchange gifts? Patrick Haynes: Whatever do you mean? Brass: Just answer the question. Patrick Haynes: No. No. I never gave her anything. Grissom: We found a music box in Lacey Duvall's dressing area that belonged to Portia Richmond. Did you give it to her? Patrick Haynes: Honestly ... no. Those music boxes belonged to Portia, not to me. But Lacey had been by the house and she did admire them. Brass: You saying that she lifted it? Patrick Haynes: (shrugs) Human nature. We always covet what we can't have. (GRISSOM pushes away from the wall and looks at PATRICK HAYNES.) Grissom: What did you covet from Portia Richmond? (PATRICK looks uncertain and takes a breath to say something ... just as the door to the room opens. NICK walks in.) Nick: Grissom? (GRISSOM turns to look at NICK.) Nick: Can I talk to you? (GRISSOM turns back to look at PATRICK HAYNES who is now leaning back in his chair, much more comfortable than he was a moment before. He smirks at GRISSOM.) (GRISSOM turns and heads for the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (NICK steps out into the hallway and waits for GRISSOM. GRISSOM slams the door shut.) Grissom: (angry) Are you looking for work? Nick: I just ... Grissom: The sign says, "Do Not Enter," Nick. You can't read anymore? You're blind? What? Nick: Grissom, this is important. Grissom: (furious) This is important. Sometimes in interrogations, Nick, you get one chance, one answer. And while I'm out here screwing around with you he's in there thinking up an answer that he didn't have before you walked in. Nick: We matched the DNA taken from Lacey Duvall to a cold case in Texas ten years ago. Grissom: And? Nick: The suspect's name was Chad Matthews. Grissom: C.M. The cuff link. Okay, I'm starting to forgive you. Nick: Sara ran Patrick Haynes' social. The real Haynes is deceased. So Patrick Haynes is Chad Matthews and Chad Matthews is on the run. Grissom: And he just ran into us. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY] (A man walking by the Sheriff shakes his hand as he walks past.) Sheriff Brian Mobley: Good morning. Nice to have you back. (GRISSOM walks up to THE SHERIFF.) Sheriff Brian Mobley: Do you have any idea what the hot topic of conversation is going to be when I walk into that breakfast? Grissom: You're announcing your candidacy for Mayor? Sheriff Brian Mobley: That's cute. Patrick Haynes is in custody. Does he have anything to do with Portia Richmond's vanishing act? Grissom: Haynes is in lockup awaiting extradition to Texas on an unrelated matter. Sheriff Brian Mobley: So, in the meanwhile we're questioning him in connection with Portia Richmond's disappearance. Grissom: (smiles) You know, I think you're going to get my vote for mayor. Sheriff Brian Mobley: What have we got on Richmond? Grissom: A canine. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Her dog. Grissom: Her tooth. Sheriff Brian Mobley: (nods) What about the rest of her? GRISSOM; Still looking. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Well, look harder, 'cause if someone leaks it to the press that she's dead and then she gets off a lear jet at McCarran with a tan, we're both going to have egg on our face and I'm going to hold you responsible. Portia Richmond got me elected, Grissom. I was at her party. Do you see what this does to me? Grissom: Evidence is like fine wine, Brian. You can't just open the bottle and drink it. You got to let it breathe. Sheriff Brian Mobley: Look, I'm going to lay this on the line right here and now. You find me Portia Richmond or you find me a motive for her murder 'cause I'm in your kitchen till it's solved. (The SHERIFF leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY] (GRISSOM walks into his office and finds BRASS looking through his scope.) Grissom: Make yourself at home. Brass: Where you been? Grissom: Proctologist. Brass: Sheriff getting your ass, eh? Well, I just hit megabucks. Austin PD has five aliases for Chad Matthews. (BRASS opens the first file.) Brass: Tom Sheridan, wanted in Beacham County. Petty theft, check fraud. (BRASS hands the file to GRISSOM, then opens the second file.) Brass: Warner Drysdale, wanted in Sacramento. Grand larceny, car theft. (BRASS hands the second file to GRISSOM, then opens the third file.) Brass: Guy took a car for a test drive ... never brought it back. Jock Jasper- I'm not making these names up -- extorted money from a rich widow in Denver. (He hands that file to GRISSOM.) Grissom: Busy boy. Brass: Yeah, and organized, too. The Denver PD sent me copies of his journal. Guy kept lists of rich women all around the country. Logged in all their vitals. Height, weight, how much money they have, you name it. Guess who was on that list. Grissom: Does her name begin with a "P"? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY] (CATHERINE, NICK and SARA sit around the table going over the files.) Catherine: Well, according to her credit card statements Portia Richmond hasn't spent a dime since she's been in the Mediterranean. Sara: She's dead. Catherine: Oh, not necessarily. Maybe she's been ... swept off her feet. Nick: Hmm. Yeah, some guys still like to foot the bill. Sara: Really? How would you know? Nick: Hey, I only go Dutch if girls ask the wrong question. Catherine: And what question is that, Nick? Nick: "What do you drive?" Sara: It's an honest question. Nick: No. No, it's not. What it means is, "How much money do you make? So you can take care of me." Sara: (grinning) Well, not this girl. (CATHERINE holds up a cancelled check dated 3/15 for $750.00. The bottom of the check reads, ... 37-43432-41250. In the signature area, there are holes through the paper.) Catherine: Boys and girls, we've got ourselves a forgery. Nick: Ooh. Either that or a dimpled ballot. (NICK looks through the back side of the check and sees the holes in them, too.) Catherine: Well, his name is "Chad". (CATHERINE hands the check to CATHERINE.) Nick: (clears his throat) Hmm. Let's connect the dots. Sara: What does that mean? (NICK puts a pad down on the table in front of him.) Nick: Here, I'll show you. Catherine, you wear pierced earrings. May I? Catherine: All right, but ... I've had them on for a week. Can't account for what's on it. (CATHERINE takes off her earring and hands it to NICK.) Nick: Sign your name, please. Sara: Okay. (SARA signs her name on the paper.) Nick: Now, nobody signs their signature exactly the same way twice. Not even you, chicken scratch. If they do, then one of them's a forgery. Here's where connecting the dots comes in. (Using the earring, NICK starts poking holes along SARA'S signature.) Nick: We dot the lines... and curves ... of the signature. Catherine: Which leaves small indentations on the blank sheet. All you do now is connect the dots, then get rid of the evidence ... but, obviously, they didn't. Sara: Well, that's scary. All you need is one signature to break somebody. (NICK starts "forging" SARA'S signature.) Catherine: Suddenly a personal shredder sounds like a mighty find investment. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB - DAY] (WARRICK knocks on the door. MANDY looks up from her desk.) Mandy: You look terrible. (WARRICK slowly walks into the lab.) Warrick: I been spinning my wheels. I'm never going to solve this case. It was over before it began. Mandy: That doesn't sound like you. Warrick: I got a dead man in a glass elevator with a bazillion prints and a .22 caliber bullet. Mandy: That's virtually untraceable. Warrick: And he left the gun at the scene. You know what that means. Mandy: Hit man was a ghost. (WARRICK sits down.) Warrick: But I got two things left, right? Mandy: Make that one thing. Warrick: You got to be kidding me. Mandy: It gets worse. Got a print off your quarter. Ran it through AFIS. Came back your dead man. (She pushes the results in front of WARRICK.) (Quick flashback to: The HITMAN shoots and puts the gun down on the elevator ground. He puts the quarter in the victim's forehead and presses the victim's thumb against it. The HITMAN leaves the elevator. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (WARRICK sighs and hangs his head.) Mandy: Pretty gruesome. (WARRICK pushes the paper results away from him and rubs his eyes. This case is hitting him harder than he wants to admit.) Warrick: Want to share? (WARRICK sighs and shakes his head.) Warrick: I was just thinking what old man Binion told Steve Wynn when he hit town: "Always give a gambler an excuse to gamble and he'll thank you for it." Mandy: Was your guy a gambler? Warrick: A bunch of cash receipts in his pocket. Markers all over town. Once you get to that place there's no getting out. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RESTAURANT - DAY] (NICK, CATHERINE, SARA and BRASS sit in a booth having lunch.) Nick: Who picked this place? Catherine: Me. I thought it would be nice. Brass: Okay, you can pick up the tab. Let's keep talking about motive. Catherine: Let's. I don't think a forged signature is a slam dunk for murder. Nick: Hey, did anyone tell Grissom where we were having lunch? Sara: Yeah, dispatch left a message. Brass: Maybe he thought it was the Sheriff, and blew it off. (Everyone continues eating.) INTERCUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RICHMOND MANSION - POOL AND LAGOON AREA - DAY] (GRISSOM walks out into the back area to look around. He walks up to the fish in the lagoon. He kneels down close to the water to look inside.) (The GARDNER walks up the path.) Gardener: Hey! You might want to take your face away from there. Grissom: Really? Why is that? (As GRISSOM watches, one of the fish breaks surface.) Sara: (V.O.) This Chilean Sea Bass is wonderful. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RESTAURANT] Catherine: So is this. Sara: Okay, you got your missing widow. Her bloody tooth found in her own bedroom which is currently occupied by two moes. Brass: "Moes." I'm rubbing off on you. (BRASS takes a forkful of SARA'S sea bass and eats it.) Sara: No, you're not, and stay out of my sea bass. Nick: Oh, that is good. One of our moes has six names that we know of including Chad Matthews. Catherine: Right, right, and we've got a cuff link with the initials C.M. Found in the bottom of the pool along with a floating showgirl. Sara: Who was sleeping with six men rolled into one -- Patrick Haynes. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (GRISSOM walks into the autopsy room.) Grissom: Hey. Dr. Albert Robbins: Hey. Photos of your showgirl. (DR. ROBBINS hands GRISSOM a stack of photos which he immediately goes through. He's looking for something specific.) Dr. Albert Robbins: What did I miss? Grissom: It's not what you missed. It's what seems to be missing. (GRISSOM points to the red welts around LACEY DUVALL'S neck. He counts them coming up one short.) Grissom: A fingernail? Nick: (V.O.) Okay, Patrick Haynes. INTERCUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RESTAURANT] (Lunch is finished. BRASS wipes his mouth. NICK has his cup of coffee.) Brass: Or whoever. Nick: Whoever. He commits a murder ten years ago. Why give up your DNA so easily? Catherine: Exactly. I mean, you know, you can change your name. You can't change your blueprint. Nick: Right on. Sara: Risk versus reward. You sleep with someone, you kill 'em, the heat's on. You flee, or, you roll the dice and maybe you get your cookie. Nick: What's the cookie? Brass: The cheese, brother. Maybe that 1.6 mil they raised at the charity event that night. Catherine: The Hayneses controlled Portia Richmond's bank account including the Burn Center Account but they had to stick around for the checks to clear. Sara: So why kill Lacey Duvall? Catherine: Excellent question. Brass: I don't know, but if Lacey Duvall hadn't been murdered Patrick Daynes reinvents himself becomes another Skippy in another state, $1.6 mil richer. Nick: Wait, wait. Time out, now. I had half a Caesar and a coffee. How's my end 20 bucks? Sara: You want to go Dutch, Nick? Nick: Excellent idea, Sara. You're catching on. I'd love to. (Everyone starts throwing their money into the pot in the center of the table. CATHERINE looks over the check.) Catherine: Uh, Brass, cough it up. Cover Nick's, too. He had that tiramisu. Brass: (groans) I hate going out to lunch with you CSIs. You notice everything. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY] (GRISSOM walks in through the hallway and heads for the DNA lab.) Grissom: Hey. Whatever happened to the fingernail that Catherine found at the crime scene? Greg Sanders: Got the results right here. (He picks up the results.) Greg Sanders: First things first. Not a match to Patrick Haynes. Grissom: I never figured a man for the fingernail, Greg. Greg Sanders: Okay, but here's where you break out the can of creep repellent. The fingernail and the semen share half the DNA markers in common. (GRISSOM stops and thinks about the possibilities.) Grissom: Possible first-degree relative? (GREG watches GRISSOM'S reaction and is pleased. He nods. GRISSOM reaches into his case and takes out an evidence envelope. He opens it up for GREG.) Grissom: Do me a favor. Run this for me. (GREG reaches for a tissue and takes out a straw. He looks at the tip.) Greg Sanders: What is that, lip gloss? Whose? Grissom: You tell me. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (The door closes and GRISSOM walks in with something covered by a cloth and puts it on the counter in the back of the room. CATHERINE looks curiously at it.) Brass: On behalf ... of the State of Nevada my apologies. You've been cleared of all charges. Patrick Haynes: (amused) It took three of you to tell me that? Brass: But ... on behalf of the State of Texas you're under arrest. You're being extradited for the murder of Lana Grimshaw. Patrick Haynes: I slept with her, but I didn't kill her. Catherine: Huh. Just like with Lacey Duvall. Patrick Haynes: Absolutely. (The door opens and AMANDA HAYNES is escorted in by an OFFICER. She walks into the room.) Grissom: Mm-hmm. Now I see it. Patrick Haynes: (shakes his head) What? See what? Grissom: The family resemblance. (CATHERINE turns around to look at the HAYNES'.) Grissom: Donnie and Marie -- brother and sister -- I've got the DNA to prove it. (AMANDA HAYNES swallows. PATRICK gets to his feet and walks toward AMANDA.) Grissom: Let me tell you what else I can prove. Your sister, killed Lacey Duvall. (PATRICK turns to look at AMANDA.) (Quick flashback to: LACEY and AMANDA are arguing.) Lacey Duvall: He told me he loves me. No more faking love. No more acts. Amanda Haynes: Is that what he told you? That's an act? It's as real as it gets. Lacey Duvall: Patrick says you're small-time. You just don't have the stones to go big. Amanda Haynes: You don't know Patrick. Lacey Duvall: You mean Chad? (She holds up the cuff link.) Lacey Duvall: He gave me this. You know what's next. It's my turn. (AMANDA grabs the cuff link and it falls into the pool. The two fight. Flash to: AMANDA grabs LACEY'S throat and breaks a nail in the process. She squeezes, then throws LACEY into the swimming pool.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (PATRICK looks at AMANDA.) Amanda Haynes: (to PATRICK) You're surprised? Look at your face. You never made a mistake until you met her. Patrick Haynes: You killed Lacey because I told her about us? Amanda Haynes: I had no choice. We were partners. You can't grift me, Chad. Catherine: Uh ... who wants to tell us about Portia Richmond? (PATRICK turns around and sticks with his story.) Patrick Haynes: She's in Europe. Amanda Haynes: On a yacht, in Greece. Brass: Oh, right. She's incommunicado. Grissom: Old testament. The Book of Jonah. (GRISSOM steps forward and puts the cloth-covered container in the center of the table.) Grissom: "And now, the Lord arranged for a great fish to swallow up Jonah." (He pulls off the cloth to show a container with a couple of fish from the pond outside the RICHMOND MANSION.) Grissom: You know what's wrong with the piranha, though? They've got high cholesterol. Catherine: Cholesterol is found in humans, not fish. So how does a fish acquire human cholesterol? (PATRICK looks at the fish and sits down.) Grissom: You want to fill in the blanks? (Quick flashback to: In front of the fireplace in the master bedroom, PATRICK HAYNES sits on the bed and calls to PORTIA.) Patrick Haynes: Portia. (He stands up, she turns around and he hits her. She falls down.) (Cut to: The body is thrown into the pond where the piranha feasts on her. First her hands in the bloodied water ... then her bones as they pick off the flesh.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: You're both under arrest for the murder of Portia Richmond. (CATHERINE leans forward against the table and looks at the fish in the container.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MEDITERRANEAN CASINO - NIGHT] (High above the main floor, WARRICK pulls out the debt slips and hands them over to the PIT BOSS.) Warrick: These belong to Tyson Green. Just came to let you know he won't be paying up. Pit Boss: What's he, dead? Warrick: Yeah. (Down on the main floor a woman screams as her machine hits a win.) Pit Boss: It's machine 25 again. Been spitting silver all day. It's a good day to gamble. (The PIT BOSS walks away leaving WARRICK alone with his thoughts.) (WARRICK walks out onto the main floor and slowly makes his way through the machines.) (He stops and looks around. He watches as gamblers pull the slot machine handles. He watches the women press the slot machine buttons.) (Camera spins around WARRICK intercutting with various gambling scenes of people at the table, at the slot machines, the coins, the lights ... ) [from 1X02: Cool Change] Sara: (V.O.) Vegas, NFL football, a guy like you. Come on, you trying to tell me that you didn't make a little pit stop? [from 1X11: I-15 Murders] Grissom: (V.O.) What you do on your time is nobody's business. What you do on my time, is my business. [from 1X10: s*x, Lies and Larvae] Conrad Ecklie: (V.O.) Warrick Brown had one of my guys sub for him in court but I have it on good authority that he was gambling. [from 1X11: I-15 Murders] Sara: (V.O.) Warrick has a problem. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away. (Camera comes to a stop on WARRICK.) [from 1X02: Cool Change] Warrick: (V.O.) I won't let you down again.

Plan: A: Portia Richmond; Q: Who's home was the fundraiser at? A: a legendary showgirl; Q: What was Portia Richmond? A: a dead woman; Q: What is found floating in the pool? A: suspicion; Q: What falls on a young couple? A: The Sheriff; Q: Who puts pressure on Grissom? A: Portia's case; Q: What case affects the Sheriff's election? A: Warrick; Q: Who looks into a mob hit in a glass elevator? Summary: During a fundraiser at the home of Portia Richmond - a legendary showgirl - a dead woman is found floating in the pool. When Portia later disappears, suspicion falls on a young couple who 'house-sat' for her. The Sheriff puts pressure on Grissom as well, as Portia's case affects his election. Warrick looks into a mob hit in a glass elevator.

Provided by TVTDB.com (Seattle scenes) MVO: In life, only one thing is certain...apart from death and taxes...no matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. (George and Callie are in their hotel room) George: Callie. MVO: You're going to hurt people. You're going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover... George: You haven't said anything in...in...just say something. Please. Anything. MVO: There's really only one thing you can say. Callie: I forgive you. George: What? Callie: You made a mistake. But we took vows...till death do us part...so...I forgive you. (George is rushing through the hospital) George: Izzie, why aren't you picking up your phone? You need to pick up your phone. I just talked to Callie and... (George passes Meredith who is in the elevator) Meredith: George. George: I gotta find Izzie. Meredith: We have rounds in five minutes. George: Right after I find Izzie. (George rushes off and Derek enters the elevator) Derek: You wanna go away with me this weekend? Meredith: Why would I want to go away with you? Derek: Because of this. (He kisses her) Meredith: We didn't go away when we were a couple. Now we're not a couple, and not couples have no reason to go away together. Derek: Meredith, you're not paying attention. I'm talking about 48 uninterrupted hours of this. (He kisser her again) Meredith: Where would we go? Derek: Wine country. Meredith: Wine country sounds like a couples' place. Derek: Well, there's wine, there's country, and you wouldn't see any of it. We'd be in bed all weekend. Meredith: Oh, a weekend of s*x. Derek: Now you're paying attention. Meredith: Well, I would have to get someone to cover for me. Derek: Okay, so you're in? Meredith: 48 uninterrupted hours of this. I'm in. (Cristina walks past as Meredith exits the elevator) Cristina: Oh, great. I'm stuck in the pit protecting smack heads and gang bangers with my idiot interns, and you're getting McDreamied in the elevator? Meredith: Really, smack heads and gang bangers at Seattle Grace, huh? Cristina: My point is, I hate interns. Meredith: Well, Lexie's not that bad, is she? Cristina: Oh, are we not hating her anymore? Meredith: Oh, no. We still hate the idea of her. We just realized we don't have a reason to hate the actual person. Cristina: She's an intern. That's reason enough. Meredith: I think you may be the new nazi. Cristina: Damn right. (To the interns nearby) Meredith: I don't see any charts. (Meredith walks up to Alex) Meredith: Will you work for me on Saturday? Alex: What's in it for me? Meredith: What do you want? Alex: Take Norman off my hands today. Meredith: Who? Alex: The world's oldest intern. I've got my interns in the pit, and he's only gonna slow me down. Meredith: Ageist. Alex: Deal? Meredith: Fine. (George rushes by again) Meredith: Rounds. George: Still can't find Izzie. Meredith: I'm gonna have to put you in the clinic if you miss rounds. George: Oh, the clinic! (Bailey is in the clinic) Bailey: Uh, Ms. Sales, hi. I'm Dr. Bailey. Oh, you are? Will: Uh, the boyfriend who warned her not to read on the Stairmaster. Ruthie: That's how I did this. I fell off last night. I took a ton of ibuprofen, but when I woke up this morning, it was huge and hideous. Bailey: How much ibuprofen did you take? Ruthie: I usually take some everyday anyway, because of the gym, so I doubled the dose, but it did nothing for me. Bailey: Okay, let's get some x-rays and then... Ruthie: Actually, can I just get a shot of cortisone or something? I'm supposed to meet my trainer this afternoon. Bailey: Uh, Ms. Sales, I can't treat you until I find out what's wrong with you. (George rushes in) George: Have you seen Dr. Stevens? Bailey: Check the pit. George: Right. Ruthie: What time do you think we'll be done? Just so I can tell my trainer. (George enters the ER) George: Lexie! Sorry. Uh, have you seen Dr. Stevens? Lexie: No. Have you seen Dr. Yang? George: No. Lexie: She told me to meet her here in the pit, and she's not here. I don't want to give that woman any more reasons to hate me. George: Good for you. Lexie: I'm prepared. I'm gonna answer every question correctly. And I'm not gonna take any more of her crap. (Cristina enters the ER) Cristina: Three! Incoming, let's move. (Derek is in the trauma room with Adam and Stanley Singer) Stanley: He got hit during a scrimmage. Derek: Are you the coach? Adam: He's my dad. Stanley: And his coach. He was charging the receiver after the kickoff. He got blocked, had his head down, couldn't see the other guy coming. Adam: I had my head down because the guy blocking me was holding it down. Stanley: You could've gotten past that guy. Derek: I need you to leave the room. Okay, let's cut him out of his equipment. I need the saw. Dr. Grey, I need you to help me stabilize his neck and his head, please. It's very important, Adam, that you not move your head. I need you to keep perfectly still. Don't move. Relax. (George rushes past the Chief) Richard: O'Malley, what's the hurry? George: Sorry, I can't talk, chief. (George runs into a cart) Richard: O'Malley? George: I...sorry, I...I just gotta find Izzie. Richard: She's at the third floor nurses' station. George: Oh. Thanks. Richard: Oh, and...and when you find her, tell her Dr. Torres is looking or her. (Izzie is walking in the hall with her interns) Izzie: Now I know charting doesn't seem as exciting as surgery, but it is every bit as important. Believe me when I tell you, people, penmanship saves lives. (George is rushing through halls) George: Pick up your phone. What kind of doctor doesn't pick up their phone? (Izzie is with her interns) Izzie: Is that a 7 or is that a 9? If I have to ask myself that question in the middle of an emergency, your patient is dead. You killed him with your handwriting. Think about that. (Callie walks up) Izzie: Callie. Hey. Hi. Callie: We have to talk. Izzie: Okay. Um, about? Callie: George told me. Izzie: He told you? Callie: Everything. Cafeteria, noon, you and me. Be there. Intern: Dude, is she gonna kick her ass? (Izzie and George are in the hall) Izzie: She forgave you? George: She said I had a rough year, that people make mistakes, and that...that I made a mistake. Izzie: Oh, so now I'm a mistake? (To her interns) Back off! George: No, she said that. I didn't say that. Izzie: What did you say? George: Um, I didn't expect her to forgive me. I expected...rage, uh, bloodshed. Izzie: No, she's saving all her rage and bloodshed for me. She's gonna kill me in the cafeteria at lunch. George: No, she wouldn't. Izzie: She breaks bones for a living, George. She's crazy. George: No, she's not crazy. Izzie: Well, she is if she thinks I'm not gonna put up a fight. (Lexie, Cristina and Derek are in the viewing room) Lexie: I can't believe that kid's dad. I mean, his son is paralyzed, and the guy's still riding him. Cristina: Focus more on the medicine, three, and less on the tragedy. Derek: Three? Is that a nickname? Lexie: You could say that. Derek: So how would you proceed, Dr. Grey? Lexie: Oh, um...you won't be able to operate unless you realign his spine, would you? Derek: And how would you do that? Lexie: Traction halo? Derek: Very impressive, Dr. Grey. Your intern year's off to a good start. How's it going? How are you and Meredith? Lexie: It's weird, the whole family thing. And plus, I think she might still hate me. Derek: She doesn't hate you. Lexie: Really? Did she say that? Cristina: You know, why don't you go see if Mrs. Cooley's dressings need changing? Derek: Yang, why don't you go see if Mrs. Cooley's dressing needs changing? Cristina: Certainly. (Meredith is at the desk with Mark) Meredith: Dr. Sloan, Dr. Norman Shales. Mark: Oh, Dr. Shales, call me Mark. Norman: Thank you. Mark: I thought you were on my service. Meredith: I am. He's my intern. Norman: I know, right? It's like, "seriously, you're an intern?" But it's seriously true. Seriously. Mark: Glad to have you aboard Norman. Norman: So is he the one you call, uh...McDreamy or, Mc, uh, Sleazy, or Mc, uh, wait a minute, what is it? Meredith: Norman, we have labs to deliver. Norman: Yeah. Meredith: Labs and discharges. Norman: Uh, this one's being discharged to hospice? Meredith: When there's nothing else we can do. Norman: So we have to tell someone they're dying? Meredith: Don't worry. I'll teach you the protocol. Norman: McSteamy! He's the one you girls call McSteamy. (Callie enters the x-ray room where Bailey and George are) Callie: You paged me, Dr. Bailey? Oh, I didn't know you were... George: I'm in the clinic. Or I was... Callie: What have you got? Bailey: Ruthie Sales. Says she twisted her ankle falling off the Stairmaster. Callie: She didn't twist it. She crushed it. We should book an OR right away. Bailey: Dr. Torres, you don't think we should run a few tests first? Find out why Ruthie's bones are so fragile in the first place? Callie: She's osteoporotic. I see it in older women all the time. Bailey: Now you're seeing it in a 28 year old. Callie: Oh, right. Call me when you get the test results. (Callie leaves) George: I can't talk about it with you. Bailey: Well, is she all right? George: Yeah. (Meredith is walking in the hall with Norman) Meredith: So when giving a patient the bad news, you want to be polite and detached, but not cold. Norman: How can you be detached but not cold? Meredith: You show that you care without actually allowing yourself to care, because if you get too emotional, then they get scared, and then they get emotional, and that's bad. Norman: Seriously? Meredith: Stop with the seriously. Norman: Uh, I'm sorry. Meredith: I know it must be hard being older than most of us, but I think you're gonna go a lot further if you just let everything else go and focus on the medicine. (Cristina walks up) Cristina: Hey, are you aware that McDreamy and the other Grey are bonding? Meredith: Bonding? Cristina: Over their mutual Meredith Greyness. Meredith: What do you mean? They're talking about me? What are they saying? Cristina: Oh, I don't know. He's making me deal with his patients while they focus on what's really important...you. Meredith: Cristina! What was I saying? Norman: You were saying how important it was to focus on the medicine. Meredith: Just give me the chart. (Cristina, Lexie, and Derek are in Adam's room) Cristina: First we're going to apply halo, which uses weights and traction to pull your spine back into place. Adam: Traction? Lexie: Like at the gym. We stretch your upper body using weights until the tension pops the spine into position. Cristina: Except unlike at the gym, Dr. Shepherd needs to attach the traction device directly to your head by screwing two bolts into your skull. Adam: That sounds painful. Stanley: Painful is if he doesn't fix your spine. Painful is you never walk again. Okay. We gonna do this thing or what? (Meredith and Norman are in a patients room) Meredith: I told you not to get too emotional. Norman: I couldn't help it. What now? Meredith: Go apologize one last time. Norman: Once again, ma'am, we are very, very sorry...very sorry. And now? Meredith: Now we slowly and respectfully back out of the room. (Izzie enters a curtain in the clinic where Alex is) Izzie: Alex, I need a favor. Alex: I don't have time for favors. I'm working here. Izzie: Well, what are you doing at lunch? Alex: According to my interns, I'm watching Torres kick your ass all up and down the cafeteria. Izzie: How do they know? Alex: So it's true. What'd you do to her? Izzie: Nothing. Alex: Dude. (Shouting is heard from a nearby room. Alex and Izzie enter to find Adele and Camille) Doctor: We need a little help here! Adele: Oh, thank god. Somebody I know. Will somebody please make sure they page my husband? Alex: Is that? Izzie: It's the chief's niece. Doctor: Camille Travis, 18, I tried intubating 3 times. Izzie: There's some kind of obstruction. Arlene: My baby can't breathe. Doctor: Sats staying down. They're at 82%. Izzie: She needs a surgical airway. Somebody get me a crike tray. Alex: How many emergency crikes have you done? Izzie: Including this one? One. Alex: Dude, it's the chief's niece. Doctor: Pulse is getting weaker. Izzie: So we better not screw this up. Adele: What are you doing? Trying to help her breathe. Arlene: She just slit her throat! Izzie: Suction. I need suction. Get the retractors in. Alex: There's so much blood. You didn't hit an artery, did you? Izzie: No, not on purpose. Adele: Oh, god. Oh, god. Izzie: Get the tube. Adele: Oh, god. Doctor: Sats are going up. Izzie: Oh, we did it. (Richard enters) Adele: Oh, Richard! What the hell are you doing to my niece? (Alex, Izzie and Richard are in the OR) Richard: One thing this child did not need was another surgery. Alex: She wasn't breathing, chief. Izzie: We didn't know what else to do. Richard: You did the right thing. But Camille was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when she was 14. She's had both ovaries removed, a hysterectomy and now this... Alex: There it is, the mass. Izzie: No wonder she couldn't breathe. Richard: I can take it out. But we won't know how many more there are until we do further studies. Izzie: I'm so sorry, chief. Richard: She beat it twice before. She'll beat it again. (Meredith and Norman walk up to Cristina) Meredith: I just had to tell a 48-year-old woman that she's gonna die. Cristina: Yeah? I wish I could tell a 24-year-old woman she's gonna die. (She looks up to see Derek and Lexie talking) Meredith: I have gone out of my way to be nice to her, and this is what she does, talks about me behind my back? Cristina: When were you nice to her? Meredith: I was nice...once. My point is... (Lexie walks up) Lexie: Hey, Meredith. Hey, Norman. Norman: 'Sup, Lexie? Meredith: Come on, Norman. Lexie: Um...Dr. Shepherd asked that we meet in Adam's room in ten minutes. You could at least acknowledge that you heard me. Cristina: You're using the Grey sister angle to get in good with the attendings. I get that. But you're here on my license. So if you do anything, like kill someone, it's on me. So for the rest of the day, you're gonna hug the wall. You're not gonna say anything, you're not gonna do anything. You're an intern. Are we clear...three? Lexie: Lexie. Cristina: What? Lexie: It's Lexie, or Grey. It's not three. I have a name. (Bailey, George and Callie are in Ruthie's room) George: Your blood tests show low electrolyte levels, low calcium and low vitamin D. Have you been dieting? Will: She just lost 40 pounds. Ruthie: Will told me if I ever got back down to a size 4,we'd move in together. Bailey: How romantic. Ruthie: We both just needed motivation. I told him I wouldn't live with a smoker, so he quit smoking. Bailey: The problem is, even if Dr. Torres is able to repair your fracture, it won't do any good unless you're eating more and working out less. Am I right, Dr. Torres? Dr. Torres...hey, are you all right? Callie: Uh, uh...Bailey's right. Will: So what, you're saying that you won't operate unless she puts on a bunch of weight? Callie: No, but, um... Will: Then why are we still talking about this? We came here to get her leg fixed. So fix her leg. Callie: Okay. (Mark is at the nurses desk when Norman and Meredith walk up) Mark: How'd that discharge-|to-hospice patient go? Meredith: Not great. There was crying and tears and...more tears. Mark: Tears? Really? Such a tough old bird. I thought he'd take it like a man. Meredith: "He'd take it like a man"? Mark: What, I'm sexist now? Meredith: No, "he" as in "him"? Mark: Joel Hanson in 2212. Meredith: Not Gretchen Bitzer in 2213? Norman: Oh, dear. I thought that "2" was a "3." Mark: Dr. Grey, did you and your intern tell a woman who came in to have her moles removed that she was dying? Norman: Oh, dear. I mean, crap. Oh, crap. (Adam's room) Stanley: You hear that? Like a weight room. There's nothing to be scared of. He's been weight training since he was 8 years old. Cristina: What did I say about you and the wall? Derek: Dr. Yang, this is still a teaching hospital, isn't it? Cristina: Yes, sir. Derek: You need to get a little closer if you want to learn something today, Dr. Grey. Okay, Adam, I'm going to attach the tongs now. I need you to stay perfectly still during this procedure. Let the weights do all the work. Okay, you're gonna feel a little pressure, but with the meds we've given you, you shouldn't feel any pain. All right. Here we go. (Alex and Izzie are in the scrub room) Izzie: Can you imagine being 14 years old and having some doctor tell you you've got cancer? What do you do with that? Alex: Well, you fight. Camille's a fighter. You two have that in common. So what's it gonna be, Stevens gets her bones broken or Torres gets taken to the trailer park? Izzie: Neither. It's not happening. But if it does, will you pull her off me? Alex: You gonna tell me what you did to her? Izzie: You have to promise not to say anything to anybody. Swear. Alex: I swear. Jeez. Izzie: I slept with George. I know. I'm a terrible person. Which is why I'm gonna let her get one good punch in. Maybe two. I deserve it. No, one. Then you pull her off me. Alex: You slept with O'Malley? Izzie: Alex, you just said you wouldn't say anything. Alex: I won't, believe me. This...I'm embarrassed for you. (Norman and Meredith are walking through the hall) Meredith: You had one job... one job... read the charts. Norman: You want to yell at me some more? You can, because I am an intern and according to Dr. Bailey, yelling is how we learn. Meredith: Well, I'm not a very good yeller. Norman: Oh, I'm sure it just takes practice. Perhaps Ms. Bitzer will show us how it's done. Meredith: Just let me do all the talking. Norman: Ms. Bitzer... Meredith: Gretchen. Nurse: She left about an hour ago. Meredith: She's gone? Left the hospital? Norman: Feel like yelling now? (Richard is in Camille's room with Adele) Richard: Your CT results showed that not only is the cancer back, it's spread to your chest, lungs and throat. We have options, though. We can operate. We can be even more aggressive with the chemo and radiation than the last time. Camille: I just want to go home. Richard: We could try to treat you at home, but, Camille, you... Camille: No, you don't understand. I don't want any treatment. Arlene: What? Camille, don't say that. Camille: I've tried, mama. It's not working. I can't do it anymore. Adele: You can and you will. You have no choice. Camille: I'm 18 now, aunt Adele. I do have a choice. Adele: You may be 18,baby girl, but you are clearly not capable of making life-and-death decisions for yourself right now. Tell her, Richard. Richard: Camille... Camille: No, you tell her. Tell her how the radiation almost killed me last time, how I got hepatitis and my kidneys shut down and my skin was so raw I couldn't be touched. Richard: Camille... Camille: I'm dying. We all know that. I don't want to spend what little time I have left in this hospital. I want to spend time with my friends. I want to sleep in my own bed, and I want to be home. So please don't be my doctor right now. Be my uncle who loves me. Let me go home. [SCENE_BREAK] (Adam's room) Cristina: Try not to move your head, Adam. Adam: I'm... I'm trying, but... I don't know how much longer I can take this. Stanley: You'll take as much as they give you, son. Okay, now come on! You can do this. Cristina: It's just another few pounds. Lexie: Dr. Yang, maybe we should... Cristina: No one asked you. Adam: I...I can't. Please take it off. Stanley: No, no. Can't quit. Push through it. Cristina: Okay, just one more plate. Stanley: Adam, you're strong. You can handle this. Want to be a quitter, do you? Huh, do you? Cristina: Okay, you know what? That's it. That's it. That's 20 pounds. Stanley: There, you did it. Right? Told you, you could do it. Adam: Somebody get him out. Please. Somebody get him out. Stanley: Adam, I'm just trying to help out. Adam: Please get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Cristina: Adam, Adam, calm down. Try not to upset him. Adam. Adam, calm down. Adam: Get...get... Lexie: Adam, it's ok... it's okay. Cristina: What are you doing? Don't touch him. The slightest movement could...put his hand down, gently. Lexie: I'm so sorry. I forgot. Cristina: Now step away from the patient and leave the room. Get out right now or I will throw you out. (Derek walks in) Derek: Dr. Grey, take over for Dr. Yang. Dr. Yang, a word. You are a resident now. Your job is to teach interns, not abuse them. Cristina: I wasn't. She grabbed his... Derek: Until you learn to be less competitive and less selfish, you will not assist on my surgeries. You will observe them. Cristina: But she... Derek: You can go. (Adele, Richard and Arlene are walking through the hall) Adele: Arlene, she's just tired. She doesn't know what she's saying. Arlene: But she's right. She's not gonna get any better. Richard: We don't know that, Arlene. There's always a chance. Adele: Not if she doesn't get treatment. You've got to talk to her, Richard. You've...you have to convince her. She loves you. She trusts you. And she's the closest thing we have to a child of our own. Richard, I'm begging you. Please. Save our baby girl. (Meredith and Norman are at the nurse's station) Meredith: Again, Ms. Bitzer, it's very important that you call us back. (Mark walks up) Mark: You idiots still can't find her? Meredith: I called her home, her cell, her next of kin. Mark: I don't care if you have to call every Bitzer on the planet. Find her! Norman: I am really so very sorry about this. Meredith: It's not entirely your fault, Norman. You're just an intern. I should've double-checked the charts. I was distracted by things I shouldn't be distracted by. Norman: For what it's worth, Lexie Grey is a good girl. She's very sweet. I don't think she would say anything untoward...or uncool. Meredith: I have Bitzers to call. But, you know, you could take the...Norman? Norman? (Cristina and Meredith are in the cafeteria) Cristina: I'm not a bad resident, am I? Meredith: Don't ask me. I lost a patient today. Cristina: Oh, you killed someone? Meredith: Lost. Literally can't find. Cristina: Shepherd says I'm selfish and competitive. What the hell is wrong with that? I kick ass. I'm an excellent resident. Meredith: I'm not. In addition to losing my patient, I also lost my intern. Turned around, he was gone. AWOL. Cristina: See, what... what is wrong with these interns? We weren't like this. Meredith: We were great interns. Cristina: I was great. You were... you were good. (Izzie and Alex walk up and sit down) Izzie: You guys seen Callie? Meredith: No. Is it time for her to grind your bones into dust? Izzie: You don't think I can take her? Meredith: Are you guys really doing this? Izzie: You heard? Meredith: The whole hospital heard. Izzie: Yeah, well, that explains the line at the salad bar. Meredith: Well, what are you fighting about? Alex: Believe me, you don't want to know. Izzie: Alex. Alex: I'm just saying, whatever it is, it's not worth it. Izzie: Actually, it is. Some things are worth fighting for. (George is at the lab) Lab Tech: O'Malley. George: Picking up repeat labs for Ruthie Sayles. Lab Tech: So who's your money on, O'Malley? Guess you gotta back the wife, huh? George: What? What are you talking about? Lab Tech: The fight downstairs. Torres vs. Stevens. What are they fighting about anyway? George: Oh, that's just a rumor. It's not happening. Callie is way too mature for that. Lab Tech: That's not what my buddy in the cafeteria just said. (George takes off at a run) Lab Tech: O'Malley, your labs! George: Gotta go! I'll be right back! (Izzie is stretching in the cafeteria) Izzie: I'm just saying, I learned how to fight in a trailer park. Okay? Where'd she learn to fight, boarding school? Not quite the same thing. (Callie enters the cafeteria) Izzie: I'm a street fighter. I've got some badass in me. I could take a girl down. Meredith: Izzie. Alex: Punch with your left. Protect your face with your right. Cristina: No, your hands... protect your surgeon hands. Your face can heal. Izzie: Here we go. Callie: Stevens. Izzie: Let's do this. Let's go. Let's go. Callie: Go where? Izzie: You know, go. Callie: I wanted to talk. Izzie: You want to talk. You don't want to kick my ass? Callie: You thought I was gonna fight you? You... (Callie finally realizes how many people are in the cafeteria) Callie: That's cr...excuse me. (Callie leaves) Intern: That's a forfeit. Torres forfeits. Izzie: Oh, my god. Cristina: You were very ghetto fabulous. Izzie: Oh, my god. (George enters) George: What happened? Was there a fight? Alex: No. Guess they realized they were fighting over nothing. (Derek enters the office where Mark is) Derek: Hey, what do you thinks a better weekend getaway, Napa or Sonoma? Mark: I hope you don't mind if I kill your girlfriend. Derek: Well, first of all, she's not my girlfriend. Second of all, I do mind. Mark: Interns should be seen and not heard. They shouldn't talk to patients. Derek: That's how they learn. Mark: Which means I have to teach, and then I have to deal with their problems when they screw up. Derek: Meredith rarely screws up, and she's not an intern. So Napa or Sonoma, what do you think? Mark: Sonoma. Derek: Mm. Mark: Smaller hotels, fewer tourists. And Meredith...she's still an intern. Don't kid yourself. She's green, she's a baby, and the only difference between her and that old guy she's got trailing her is that you're not sleeping with the old guy. (Callie enters Ruthie's room) Callie: Sorry I'm late. Bailey: Well, I was just explaining the surgery. Since your bones have splintered, Dr. Torres will place metal plates and screws to hold the ankle together. Ruthie: How long will the recovery time be? Bailey: It's hard to say. You'll be in a cast 8 to 12 weeks. Will: Three months? Bailey: Right, Dr. Torres? Callie: Longer if she doesn't eat. Will: She eats. Callie: Not enough to keep her bones from snapping, but you don't seem too concerned about that. Will: What is your problem, lady? Callie: I don't have problem. I'm not the one who has to live with you. Will: You know what? This...you have a problem...Ruthie! (Ruthie is vomiting blood) Bailey: In here go ahead. In here. (George enters the OR where Ruthie's surgery has already started) George: I thought Ruthie wasn't going into surgery till tomorrow. Bailey: That's before she started vomiting blood. She's got a bleeding duodenal ulcer. Callie: How did we not see this? Bailey: She came in with a broken ankle. Her malnutrition and the amount of ibuprofen she's been taking, she's lucky to be alive. George: Why did she do this to herself? Bailey: 'Cause people are stupid and just want to be loved. That's the only reason anybody does anything. George: Asystole. Bailey: Ok, start CPR. (Adam's surgery) Lexie: You think he'll walk again? Derek: It's not impossible. Mm. We have a bleeder. I need you to cauterize the vein, Dr. Grey. Lexie: Oh, okay. I... I, um... I...I can't find it. I...I...I can't see where it starts. Um... it's coming too quickly. Cristina: Stop. Suction around it. You have to see where the bleed is coming from first. Follow the flow to the source. Good. Okay, now Bovie it. Lexie: Got it. Derek: Good job. Dr. Yang, if you don't mind stepping in? (Norman walks up to Meredith who is at the nurses station) Norman: Dr. Grey. Meredith: Norman, where have you been? Norman: I was... Meredith: Norman, do you think you can just cut out on me in the middle of a crisis? Norman: I...I went... Meredith: Where, Norman? Where did you go that was important enough to just disappear in the middle of a shift? Norman: Ms. Bitzer's apartment. Meredith: You went to Ms. Bitzer's apartment. Norman: I told her she had a bill outstanding. She's right behind me. Meredith: Oh. Norman: Oh, but if I may say so, your yelling has improved remarkably. Meredith: Thank you. Ms. Bitzer: I...I'm sorry I missed your calls. I didn't mean to cut out on my bill. It's just, I got a lot of living to do and not a lot of time to do it in. Meredith: Actually... Ms. Bitzer: I quit my job, dumped my loser boyfriend, told my boss where he could shove it, and bought a one-way ticket to Iceland, where the sun never sets, which is fine by me. I'll sleep when I'm dead, right? Meredith: You're, uh, not going to die, Ms. Bitzer. Ms. Bitzer: I'm not? Meredith: There was a mix-up with your labs. You're going to live, hopefully a very long, healthy life. Ms. Bitzer: I quit my job. I broke up with my boyfriend. I gave up my apartment. You know how hard it is to find an apartment...with parking? (Callie walks up to Will who is outside) Callie: I thought you quit smoking. Wasn't that the deal? Ruthie loses 40 pounds, you quit smoking? Will: My girlfriend's in emergency surgery. I think she'll forgive me for smoking. Callie: No, no, she won't, because she's dead. Ruthie's dead. Dr. Bailey tried to stop the bleeding, but because she was starving herself and over training, her heart couldn't take the strain. Will: You think this is my fault? She wanted to lose the weight. I just wanted her to be healthy. Callie: She was healthy 20 pounds ago. You just wanted her to be hot, especially if you we gonna move in with her, right? Will: No, that...I loved her. Callie: You didn't love her. You just didn't want to be alone or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego or...or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her because you don't destroy the person that you love! (George steps between them) George: Callie! Will: Get her away from me, man. Get her away from me. Callie: You gonna hit me? You gonna hit me? Give me any excuse to kick somebody's ass today because I am dying to! Will: Don't touch me! Bailey: Dr. Torres! Uh, sir, we are so sorry for your loss. O'Malley, please take... George: Sir, why don't you come with me? Come on. Bailey: Okay, I'm gonna ask you one last time, are you all right? Callie: I'm fine. It's nothing. Bailey: Really? 'Cause nothing almost cost you your career just now. (Camille's room) Richard: The mass we removed from your throat was so big you couldn't breathe. Camille...what took you so long to come in? Camille: I knew the cancer wasn't gone. It's never been gone. It's never gonna be gone. And...don't tell my mom, but the truth is...I was hoping it would kill me before I had to come back here. I'm just so tired, uncle Richard. I am so, so tired. Richard: Camille...what I have here is a plan to keep you alive. It involves 12 oncologists,8 new drugs, six experimental treatments from three different continents. I have no idea if it'll work. But as your uncle...I'm begging you to take it. Because I know for a fact the world...my world...is a better place with you in it. However... as your doctor, I promise to do whatever you want. Camille: I just want to go home. Richard: Then let's get you home. (Izzie walks up to Callie in the hall) Izzie: Callie. Callie, wait. Please, wait. Please. I'm sorry...about the cafeteria. I didn't know that you wanted to talk to me. I thought you wanted to kill me. I'm sorry about everything. With George, I...I'm really sorry. I feel terrible. Callie: You feel terrible? You took advantage. He was your best friend. I tried to trust you...so much, I had convinced myself that it was all in my head, that I was crazy. But I wasn't, was I? And then you pull that thing in the cafeteria today? It's not bad enough that you humiliate me by getting in bed with my husband. You have to humiliate me at work, too. George might be the one that broke his vows, but you...we're women, Izzie. You did this to another woman. You...took something from me. You stole something from me like a petty little thief. You are the one who should be humiliated. You are the one who should be ashamed. You are the one who should... don't you dare come to me for forgiveness, you traitorous bitch. (Alex walks past Izzie who is sitting in the hall) Izzie: What, I'm invisible now? Alex: What do you want? Izzie: So you hate me now, too. Well, join the club. Alex: You and O'Malley? O'Malley! Izzie: What? What is it that I did that is so horrifying? I fell in love, Alex. Alex: He's married. Izzie: Yeah, so? You're carrying a big ol' torch for Ava or Jane Doe or whatever it is that you call her, and she's married. So what gives you the right to judge what I do? Why do you even care? Alex: You told me you weren't ready yet...after Denny... to be with anyone. And then O'Malley? O'Malley. And then you tell me like I'm one of your chick friends. Come on. (Meredith, Norman and Mark are saying goodbye to Ms. Bitzer) Meredith: Ms. Bitzer ,I just wanted to apologize one more time. Ms. Bitzer: Oh, and I just wanted to say thank you, Dr. Grey. And, you, too, Dr. Shales. Bless you. Bye-bye. Meredith: She's not going to sue? Mark: Nope. Our lawyer talked her into settling. Seattle grace just bought that woman four bedrooms and three and a half baths in Reykjavik. Meredith: I'm so sorry. Mark: Well, don't tell me. Tell the chief. I'm writing you both up. It wasn't Norman's fault. He's my responsibility. I'm the resident. I'm the only one you should write up. Mark: That's very noble of you, Dr. Grey. Stupid...but noble. Meredith: Oh. Norman: For the record, Dr. Grey, I don't think you're stupid at all. I find you... quite smart. (Adele walks up to Richard) Adele: What did you say to Camille? Richard: Adele... Adele: I've already lost one baby. And now I have to lose Camille? Richard: I am not going to use Camille to try and make up for the fact that I never gave you children. Adele: I never asked you to. I asked you to talk to her, to convince her to... Richard: I can't do that... I can't do that, Adele. I can give her all the options in the world, but I cannot make her do what I want her to do. I'm her doctor. Adele: I thought being a doctor was about saving lives. After all these years of choosing your job over your family, the one time I ask you to do your job to save this family... Richard: Adele, I'm sorry. I'm truly, truly sorry, but... Adele: So am I, Richard. (George walks up to Callie who is standing in the rain) George: Callie...you can't...just forgive me. What I did to you...is unforgivable. Callie: That's how it works. That's what "I forgive you" means. George: No, see, I...I think it means you don't forgive me. I...you don't know how to talk to me right now. I mean, look, you don't...you can't even look at me. You're so angry that...I think the only way you can deal with me is to say you forgive me and...what, we pretend it didn't happen? I...it happened. And you don't forgive me. Callie: You're right. I don't. (Meredith walks up to Derek who is about to get in the elevator) Meredith: So I got Alex to cover for me. Derek: Oh. Meredith: So I can leave right after I round on my patients. Derek: Yeah. Meredith: 48 uninterrupted hours... Derek: Yeah, yeah. Um...you know what? Maybe this is not a good weekend. Meredith: What did Lexie say about me? Derek: She didn't say anything. I did all the talking. Look, don't blame her. Meredith: So what, you're friends with my sister now? I mean, you talk to the other Grey about me? Derek: Mm-hmm. You know what I talked about with the other Grey? All the things this Grey won't let me say. Meredith: You can say anything to me. Derek: I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime. (Meredith takes a step back) Derek: Mm-hmm. Do you see what happens? I say things like that, and you fight the urge to run in the opposite direction. It's okay. I understand. I didn't, but now I do. I do...you're just getting started. And I've been doing this for a long time. Deep down...you're still an intern. And you're not ready. Meredith: I'm not ready right now. But things could stay the way they are... And I can get ready. I'll get ready. Derek: Things can stay the way they are. We can still meet in the elevator or the on call room. And maybe you'll be ready. And I'll wait. I'll wait until you're ready. Meredith: Okay, then. Derek: Yeah, but what if...what if while I'm waiting I meet someone who is ready to give me what I want from you? Meredith: What if you do? Derek: I don't know. (Derek enters the elevator, leaving Meredith standing there) (Stanley is in his sons room, Lexie walks up to Cristina outside his room) MVO: Forgive and forget. That's what they say. Lexie: I just wanted to say, um, thank you for...saving my ass today in surgery. Cristina: Well, that's my job, three. Now where are Adam's post-op labs? MVO: It's good advice, but it's not very practical. Lexie: I'll get them, Dr. Yang. MVO: When someone hurts us...we want to hurt them back. (Izzie is on her bed crying. There is a knock at her door) Izzie: Come in. (Alex tosses her a box of tissues) Alex: Keep it down, will you? MVO: When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled...old wounds never heal. (Callie is sitting on the edge of the bed and turns off the light) MVO: And the most we can hope for is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget.

Plan: A: Derek; Q: Who does Meredith go away with for the weekend? A: Norman; Q: Who does Meredith have to take off of Alex? A: different things; Q: What do Meredith and Derek want? A: their relationship; Q: What does Derek consider ending? A: Callie forgives; Q: Who forgives George for sleeping with Izzie? A: Callie; Q: Who takes her personal issues out on a patient? A: Lexie; Q: Who stands up to Cristina? A: her teaching style; Q: What does Derek criticize Lexie for? A: a college football player; Q: What type of patient does Derek, Cristina, and Lexie treat? A: paralysis; Q: What is the college football player facing? A: a patient; Q: Who wants to leave the hospital as quickly as possible? A: the patient; Q: Who did Norman tell was dying? A: Webber; Q: Who's niece ends up back in the hospital? A: further cancer treatment; Q: What does Webber's niece not want? Summary: Meredith agrees to go away with Derek for the weekend, but has to take Norman off of Alex. However, Derek realizes that he and Meredith want different things, and considers ending their relationship. Meredith gets annoyed at Norman after his error leads to them telling the wrong patient that she's dying. Callie forgives George for sleeping with Izzie. Lexie stands up to Cristina, and Derek criticizes her teaching style. George desperately tries to find Izzie before Callie can, while Izzie admits to Alex that she slept with George. Derek, Cristina and Lexie treat a college football player who faces paralysis, whose dad is still heavily critical of him. Bailey and Callie have to deal with a patient who wants to leave the hospital as quickly as possible so she can continue training to earn the approval of her boyfriend, and Callie takes her personal issues out on him when the patient dies. Webber's niece ends up back in the hospital, and Webber is disheartened when she admits that she doesn't want further cancer treatment.

JACK (voiceover) : Torchwood. Outside the Government, beyond the police. Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race. The 21st century is when everything changes... And Torchwood is ready. EXT DAY outside a building We get a long arty moment where only a particularly spiky bit of plant life is in focus, leading us to wonder if we're meant to draw anything symbolic for this or if the director just got tired of the SUV. Then the SUV pulls up, all black and wheely. Doors open, people get out, we get closeups of feet and then hands with guns. Team Torchwood, minus one, do the power walk, four of them in a line with Jack forward, Ianto, Jack, Owen, and Tosh. Ianto and Jack framed as a pair, Owen and Tosh likewise. Ianto has a cellphone. Tosh has her blue box of knowing things. Owen has a bandaged left hand. IANTO : Gwen, we've texted you the location, we're querying four or five signs of life, definitely non-human. Get here as soon as you can. OWEN : So, sure they're not Weevils ? He's looking to Jack, but that's not who answers. TOSH : Don't think so, different energy patterns, can't make sense of it. Not a species we've encountered before. OWEN : Well Let's hope they're friendly then. JACK : Owen, Ianto, take the other side of the building, check the upper floors. (They jog off in front.) Toshiko with me. INT DAY inside a building Yes, watch me get real specific with the settings. Okay, watch Jack and Tosh explore the building, it's more fun. Actually, they're being tense and action-hero here. They aren't just wandering around. Jack has his gun out, Aimed... not quite right at the camera. Tosh, similarly armed, aiming off to the sides. There's pillars obscuring our view so we get a sense of both a very large space and a closed in one. Anything could be in here. Jack and Tosh have their backs to the pillars, look to each other to check. JACK : OK ? Go ! They move around quickly. Pillars, actually more like small brick walls, obscure the view for a moment. Then we're out the other side, and Jack and Tosh are doing the point and worry with a new set of windows lighting them. Tosh pays more attention to her blue box. TOSH : I'm getting mirror readings on both floors. (Now Tosh is aiming at the camera, while Jack aims the other way.) One creature at either end of the building. JACK : Toshiko, split up. Elsewhere in the same building, same light, same walls, Owen and Ianto are exploring, also armed and tense. We see the walls blocking their view too, see them behind them through gaps. JACK : Y'know, these creatures are very quiet. OWEN : Maybe they're sleeping. IANTO : Or hatching. TOSH (Sees the camera... er, sees something that grabs her full attention, while looking into and aiming at the camera) : Or maybe they aren't creatures at all. Pan down, reveal little silvery box. Jack swings around a wall to see something on the floor too. Aims at it then looks up with face of oh-hell. JACK : Just explosive devices. Ianto seen looking down and reacting to another silver box. He closes his eyes. OWEN (Swings around wall, and sees...) : Snap. Countdown reaches 01, one last glimpse of Jack face, then BOOM. [SCENE_BREAK] Opening credits INT DAY Gwen's bedroom Start with medium close view of her phone, glowing and making see-me noises. Longer shot of her and Rhys stretched out in bed with the sun shining in. Then close on Gwen as she suddenly wakes up, scruffy and quite likely naked under the sheets. GWEN : sh1t. PHONE : You have one message. IANTO (Message) : Gwen, we've texted you the location, we're querying four or five signs of life definitely not human. GWEN : sh1t. INT DAY Building gone boom Slow track through the rubble, lots of clattering and things falling down. Long shot of Jack, start a slow zoom in while stuff falls down, then cut to close up of him lying in the rubble rather squished. 1,392 deaths earlier. EXT DAY an alley, long ago Close up of Jack... with sideburns. He wakes up with the back to life gasp and starts yelling. JACK : Oh, not again. There's some nearly screaming as he looks down and finds a green glass bottle sticking out of a messy blood soaked stomach. He's dressed in white shirt and braces under a grey long coat, but it's not his RAF coat. Mise en scene as well as knowledge from other episodes indicates it's way earlier than that. Jack moans as he pulls the bottle out and throws it away. Then he looks up and we see two women, in very old fashioned clothes. One of them in a big skirt, the other in big... puffy trouser things ? Both wearing brown, with hats and gloves. One has her hand in her jacket. JACK : Ladies. Torso of steel, shilling a feel. Any takers ? (Gets up, groaning). Bar fight, got a little out of control. Flesh wound. (Pointing at the gaping great hole in his stomach. Yup, that's believable. And then he sags a bit, has to hold on to the wall). Whoa ! Whoa ! Still not used to... these hangovers. The two women start to walk forward. They're silent. But with ominous theme music. JACK : Captain Jack Harkness. How long have you been there ? Silent types. That's OK. I used to date a guy with no mouth. Surprisingly creative. One woman punches him in the stomach, then knees him in the head when he doubles over. The other kneels on him, pinning him down. His face between her knees, Jack responds predictably. JACK : Listen, you only had to ask. Can we get a room though ? She pulls out a handkerchief and holds it over his mouth and nose until we fade to black. INT HUB, slightly older than usual Still in flashback land, Jack still has his sideburns. He's awoken by a bucket of water in the face. JACK : When I said about getting a room, I meant somewhere with linen. Bucket the second. Jack shakes it off. He's tied to a chair in what we recognize as the Hub cell block... but with bars instead of clear walls. One woman, the trousered one, probably the boss, website calls her Mrs Emily Holroyd, tears Jack's shirt open and sticks a couple of bits of metal to his chest. JACK : Time was, electrodes to the nipples meant the start of a good night. She goes over to a brass and wood machine with a handle. She turns it and there's glowing and buzzy noises. Jack's screaming. And laughing. EMILY : Full power charge and still breathing. JACK : Pretty advanced piece of equipment you got there. You ladies are ahead of yourselves. Now where the hell am I ? The woman in the skirt, the website suggests this one is Alice Guppy, turns and picks up a gun. She aims at Jack. JACK : Put that down before somebody gets... POV shot of the end of the gun and fade quickly to black. Screech and gasp, same setting, Jack back again. ALICE : Why aren't you dead yet ? JACK : Been trying to figure that out myself. EMILY : We've been monitoring you. You've been killed 14 times in the last six months. JACK : Feels like more than that. EMILY : Who's the Doctor ? JACK : No idea. ALICE : "The Doctor, he'll be able to fix me". "When the Doctor turns up, it'll all be put right". "You wait till I see the Doctor. First I'm going to kiss him, then I'm going to kill him." Transcripts of your conversations with strangers, in various drinking dens, since you first came to our attention. JACK : Y'know, no-one likes a smart-ass. ALICE : Tell us where he is and we'll release you. JACK : Why do you wanna know ? EMILY : You're in Torchwood, Cardiff. The Torchwood Institute was created to combat the threat posed by the Doctor and other phantasmagoria. JACK (laughs) : He's not a threat. The Doctor's the one who'll save you from your phantasmahoojits. EMILY (Puts her hand on the handle again) : Just tell us his location. JACK (very quickly) : I don't know ! (Pulls against his bonds, looks more like frustration than escape). He left me behind. I came here to find him. He refuels from that rift you have. Hoping if I stayed here long enough, we'd find each other. Now, can I go ? ALICE : No. JACK : You can't keep me here ! EMILY : Oh, we can. Unless... ALICE : Yes. Unless. JACK : Unless what ? EMILY : There are opportunities here. With the Institute. JACK : I'm not for hire. ALICE : You're going to need currency. JACK (looks at them, looks down at where he's tied to the chair) : What's the assignment ? ALICE : Missing person. EMILY : Well, when we say person... EXT DAY alley Jack shoves someone and they fall. It's another blowfish head guy wearing a suit. TEEN BLOWFISH : I haven't done anything ! JACK : 12 Burglaries, joyriding a horse and carriage, 7 cases of pick-pocketing, 24 instances of consuming food without paying for it. It's like an addiction with your species, isn't it ? TEEN BLOWFISH : I'll make it up, I promise ! JACK : Ah, too late. TEEN BLOWFISH : It's just a bit of fun. JACK : This planet's a century away from official first contact with alien life. You're upsetting the schedule. TEEN BLOWFISH : Who are you ? JACK : I'm Torchwood. INT HUB, cells Jack throws the fish dude into a cell. He's much more crudely violent than later in his timeline, big movements, not so much controlled. TEEN BLOWFISH : I said sorry ! You can't lock me up ! JACK : He's just a kid. Send him back to where he came from. ALICE : If only we could. The rift only goes one way. JACK : What do you do ? Observe and profile the species and then transfer them to long term storage ? She brings her right hand around : gun. It's quicker than Jack, he grabs her only after the damage is done. Fish head is dead. JACK : Why ? ALICE : It was a threat to the Empire. JACK : Like me ? ALICE : You're our ally now. She pulls free and turns to face him. INT HUB, office It's the familiar distinctive window, but not the familiar view. Some big, big big, construction is going on outside, and there's no glass in it yet. The blonde probable-boss lady is sitting behind a desk, counting out some big bank notes. Jack sits slumped in a seat in front of her. Camera moves around to give us a view of the altered office, including a potted fern, a fireplace with a pretty sort of cover, and on the desk an old-but-not-that-old-surely rotary telephone. She finishes counting the money out. Jack looks unimpressed. EMILY : If you don't want it... Jack goes to grab it... not quite snatching. He stands. She gets a folded piece of paper out. EMILY : Your next assignment. JACK : No. I'm through with you people. EMILY : Your liberty is at our discretion. (Jack was leaving, but he stops and turns to face her. Alice comes in, through a quite different office door). Work for us, you assist the Empire. Sever that tie, you become a threat. ALICE : And you've seen how we deal with threats. EMILY : It's good money, Captain. How else are you going to earn ? Jack goes back to the desk. He takes the folded paper, with the T in a hexagon seal. She smiles. Then he flicks it back onto the desk and walks away. EMILY : See what you think in the morning. Jack leaves. Alice watches him go. ALICE : He's pretty. But you're prettier. Blonde smiles, pleased. Random evil lesbians FTW ! Er, sort of. EXT NIGHT, somewhere with booze There's laughing and drinking. Jack is not laughing, but he's very definitely drinking. The whole "water" thing is a more recent development then. A girl appears, with her own somewhat creepy theme music. Yes, it's the spooky girl from 2-07. Looking just the same. SPOOKY GIRL : Can I read your cards ? JACK : No, thank you. (She pushes cups and bottles off the table to make space.) No, really. SPOOKY GIRL (Ignores him and sets cards out. A very pretty deck, anyone know it ? One of them has Jack in armour. First three cards : Tower, Jack-the-Knight, 3 of swords sticking through a heart). He's coming. The one you're looking for. (Next three cards. Top one is the Ace of Cups, fountains flowing out a big cup. Next is a face in a circle with pointy bits, moon ? Sun ? Star ?). But the century will turn twice before you find each other again. JACK : Oooh ! Are you for real ? (She looks at him. At the camera actually, there's a lot of POV in this section. He stops laughing and his face falls. He picks up the Jack of swords). You mean I have to wait 100 years to find him ? What'll I do in the meantime ? Montage of Torchwood History He goes back to the two women and gets his folded next order. Uncontracted agent Jack Harkness, says a folder with his picture pinned to it. Hand written. Then it goes to typewriter, and now they're calling him Captain. More pinned photos, and we're up to computers with clacky keyboards and some dot matrix printout label. EXT NIGHT, Cardiff millennium party A little countdown in the corner tells us how many seconds to midnight. Some parts of the world have already welcomed in the New Year. Our cameras, of course, have been out in force across the UK tonight. Let's take you first to Cardiff. INT HUB, central section looking almost as we know it Jack opens a door and comes in... it's not the big cog wheel door, it's some red lit doorway that clunks instead. He has his familiar coat, but when he takes it off there's an unfamiliar waistcoat of many pockets. His earpiece looks like the silver one he had for much of season 1. JACK : Hey, when you joked about the Millennium Bug, I didn't realise it was gonna have 18 legs stacked with poison. Anyone home ? Hey! You know you're supposed to party like it's... (Stops, looking down. Dramatic music. Wobbly camera. Then he dashes forward and we see a man's body on the floor, blood on the forehead, as Jack checks for a pulse. He has his gun out and he's looking for threat. Next body is a woman, bleeding from the gut. Camera is still handheld, wobbly, whooshing with blur rather than smooth pan or cuts. Whooshes to see a man sitting on a barrel, watching the TV. JACK (Whispers) : Alex ? ALEX : Jack ! Just in time. JACK : Alex what happened ? Who did this ? ALEX : Me. JACK : What ? Why ? ALEX : We got it wrong, Jack. (Opens his hand to reveal a silver locket, like a lady's necklace). We thought we could control the stuff we found. And what's it brought us ? (Third dead body dangling from second floor balcony. Jack aims his gun at Alex). So much death. JACK : What happened to them ? ALEX : It's good you're here. Always did have great timing. This place, it's yours. Torchwood Three, my gift to you, Jack, for a century of service as field operative. Give this place a purpose. Before it's too late. Please. JACK : Alex, listen, it's gonna be OK. ALEX : No. It's not. It's really not. I looked inside. (Locket. He closes his fist on it). It showed me what's coming. They were mercy killings. It was the kindest thing I could do. So none of us see the storm. I'm sorry I can't do the same for you. (TV crowd countdown and fireworks 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...). 21st century, Jack. Everything's gonna change. And we're not ready. Gun to forehead. JACK : Alex ! Bang and blood spatters on Jack's shocked face. Fireworks in the background, Jack looks like he's about to cry. Then cut to. INT DAY, building gone boom Gasping back to life, Jack grabs for the hands grabbing him. Screams a bit. Gwen hushes and reassures, but Rhys is a bit less than cool with this. RHYS : He was dead. I checked his pulse ! He was dead ! GWEN : All right ! Sh ! Jack, what has happened ? Where are the others ? JACK : What is he doing here ? GWEN : Look, I was late, OK. He gave me a lift. You OK ? JACK : Toshiko. She went the other way. INT DAY, more building gone boom. More bits of building fall down. Distant voices yell "Tosh" and "Toshiko", indistinctly. Camera looks around until we find Tosh, under a girder and a lot of bricks. Creaks and groans and more falling. Tosh Screams. 5 years earlier. INT NIGHT, Office A man locks an office, walks past dark windows to where a computer still clacks keys. BOSS : Never thought I'd say this to anyone here, but you work too hard. TOSH : Another hour and I'm done. BOSS : Wish the rest of them thought like you. Half past five, they're out of here like a pack of dogs. TOSH : You have a good evening, sir. BOSS : I doubt it. He leaves. Tosh, in cardigan and glasses, takes off the specs to become Action Tosh ! Able to leap small... heaps of paper... er, wrong genre. Okays, long action sequence. Tosh goes to her desk draw, overturns a desk tidy and grabs a key from underneath. Now the boss is gone she's all hurry. She rushes into his office, the one we saw him lock, and goes to his computer. Boots up. MoD desktop background. Gets the password of the day up. Memorises it, shuts down again. Checks on the CCTV monitor where the security guard is, then checks her watch. Runs. Dark corridors have the lights switch on around her. Run down stairs. Get to corridor... pause while the camera turns away. Run for a particular door and type in the number and get inside before the camera turns back. Pause to pant and look scared inside the door. Walk along shelves looking for something in particular. Anyway, untie a bag, grab some plans, stick them up her jumper. Put bag back. Go to door, guard walks past as she opens it ! Checks her watch again, and slowly out the door... as camera turns again. Then she's downstairs in her coat and leaving, chatting to the security guard on the way out. INT NIGHT, office lobby GEORGE : Another late one, Miss Sato. TOSH : You know me, George. Married to the job. GEORGE : When you gonna let me whisk you away from all this ? TOSH : As soon as you clear it with your wife and grandchildren. GEORGE : Always an excuse. Take care. TOSH : Goodnight, George. He watches her leave. Cut to EXT shot with a big sign, Lodmoor Research Facility, a Division of the Ministry of Defence, with that MoD logo again. Tosh walks past and leaves. INT NIGHT, Tosh flat Very busy, very cluttered, lots of bits of wire and things on a table. Tosh gets the plans out, then her glasses. Checks plans and starts selecting components. Montage of building something techy with cool music. Er, the montage has music, not the tech. Tech is merely shiny with wires. Tosh is careful and clever with computers and tools that glow. EXT NIGHT, a street, to INT NIGHT, a room. TOSH : I've got it. BADGUY : Get in. Tosh goes inside, bad guy clunks door closed behind her. Room of many computers, and some flatscreen monitors and a noticeboard and stuff. Also there's a lady wearing glasses looking sour. TOSH : I want to see my mother. I want to know she's safe. Now. BAD LADY : Show me the piece. (Tosh gets out tech she just built). Oh, it's beautiful. Perfect sonic modulator. Toshiko, you've done so well. MUM OF TOSH : Toshiko ! TOSH (Says mum in Japanese) : You've got what you want. Now let her go. BAD LADY : Except now you're the victim of your own success. Perfectly situated, proven ability. You can give us so much more. MUM OF TOSH : ? TOSH : And what if I refuse ? BAD LADY : Then your mother stays with us. And your brilliance is used against her. (Puts on big headphones). Like this. TOSH : No, don't ! Sonic modulator makes the picture throbby. Tosh and her mum fall down. Screaming. Hands on ears. The bad lady tosses another set of headphones on the floor, but when Tosh reaches for them she gets stomped on. TOSH : Please ! Toshiko's mum starts bleeding from her head, the exact pattern from 1x13. UNIT SOLDIERS (Burst in from all directions, armed and serious) : Turn it off ! Turn it off ! Sonic off, Tosh arrested, everyone arrested. Tosh dragged out quickly. TOSH : My mother ! Is she all right ? Is she all right ? INT DAY, a cell LED EYE IN CEILING (Feminine yet computer distorted voice, a bit like the London Underground station announce but creepier) : This is a UNIT facility. Your rights as a citizen have been withdrawn. You will be held here indefinitely. We are not required to provide you with legal representation. Anything you say will be recorded. You will be allowed no communication with any person or organisation outside this facility. There is no right of appeal. If you fail to comply with the rules, we are authorised to discipline you. TOSH : Is my mother safe ? LED EYE IN CEILING : We cannot supply you with that information. Montage of waiting and misery, lots of cuts with the camera in the exact same place. The cell don't change except as the light from the window moves across it. The light crosses it at least twice. Two sweeping movements while Tosh stays still, and then other sequences where the light stays still and Tosh moves. Tis temporally disorientating. Tosh leans against the wall or curls up, it's too small to stretch out, barely wide enough for a full size door. Sometimes there's a food tray. There's no toilet though. Maybe that's why they get led out in rows sometimes. Plural prisoners in matching jumpsuits. Then Tosh back in her cell again. LED EYE IN CEILING : Prisoner Sato. Inspection. TOSH : What for ? LED EYE IN CEILING : Prepare for inspection. Tosh stands up, with much leaning on the wall, and waits. Door swings open for dramatic reveal of The Coat. And the Captain. Being all well lit and heroic. INT DAY warehouse Jack and Tosh sit opposite each other at a table in the middle of a big big dark empty room, spotlit with a light through a window. JACK : Catering's as lousy as they say, huh ? TOSH : Where's my mother ? JACK : She's safe. She won't remember being kidnapped. I wiped it from her memory. I hope you don't mind. TOSH : You did what ?! JACK : Really, just a little pill. She'll never have known. TOSH : Who are you ? JACK : Nobody. I don't exist. And for a man with my charisma, that is quite an achievement. TOSH : Are you a lawyer ? JACK : Do I look like a lawyer ? They're gonna make an example of you. Stealing official secrets, in today's climate... They're going to keep you here without charge. Forever. TOSH : They can't do that. JACK : They're never going to release you. I'm sorry. (Gets sonic modulator out). You made this, right ? TOSH : I just followed the plans. JACK : Yeah, kinda. But first you had to grasp the concept of what a sonic modulator does. Most people would struggle with that. And another thing... the plans don't work. TOSH : What ? JACK : The technical plans you followed, they were wrong. They had mistakes in them. That's why the plans were shelved. But you, Toshiko Sato, you automatically fixed things as you went along... What I'm trying to say is... oh baby, you're good. I mean, you're good now. Imagine what you'd be like with a little training. Oh! Shame you're gonna be locked up for so long. TOSH : You've got to get me out of here. JACK : If... you come work for me. TOSH : Really ? JACK : Give me five years, I'll get them to wipe your record clean. They owe me a few favours. TOSH : What do you do ? JACK : Protect people. Least, that's what I'm aiming for. It's kind of a work in progress. TOSH : What about my mother ? JACK : Limited contact only. You can send her postcards. So what d'you say ? TOSH : Why would you trust me ? JACK : Instinct. It's going to be dangerous. Think you can bear a little danger ? INT DAY, building gone boom Tosh screaming. GWEN : Stop ! Stop ! Stop ! Stop. Tosh, Tosh are you OK ? TOSH : You're making it worse. It's pushing down even more now. I think I've broken my arm. Gwen ? GWEN : Yeah ? TOSH : If this pillar shifts down even more, it'll crush me. RHYS : It's no good Gwen. We're gonna need more strength. GWEN : Look, Jack has gone to find Owen and Ianto. You're gonna be fine darling, all right. You're going to be fine. TOSH : You've got to hurry, please. RHYS : Go help Jack. I'll stay here. GWEN : Are you sure ? RHYS : Yep. GWEN : I'm going to come back for you darling, all right ? You're going to be OK. Crawls then stands, leaving. Rhys stops her. RHYS : Gwen, this could've been you, couldn't it ? If you hadn't been late. GWEN : Look, Rhys, I haven't got time for this now, okay. I've got to go try and find the others. INT DAY, building gone boom still but another bit Bricks move and rubble is clawed at. Ianto's knuckles are black and red. He tries to pull himself out from under but Ianto screams. He's trapped. He doesn't stop trying but he's not moving so much as an inch. JACK : Ianto ! Ianto ! Ianto hears, looks up. Fade to black and 21 months earlier. EXT NIGHT, woods Jack, familiar coat and old silver earpiece, is thrown back against a tree. Growling and roaring, he's in a fight with a weevil. He's not noticeably winning. He holds the spray out but it knocks it away, and then it's a real struggle, until the weevil gets its teeth into his neck ! Luckily thud a stick whacks the weevil on the back. Myserious stranger in tight jeans, Ianto to the rescue ! Weevil wrestling ensues. He's not really winning either. Then Jack charges in, knocks the weevil down, and finally uses the spray. Soon as it's subdued he puts a black bag over its head, then gets out an injector and sedates it. Ianto throws his stick away. Jack winces and checks his own neck. Ianto watches, looking a bit nervous. Once Jack looks at him, Ianto speaks. IANTO : Thanks. Leaning casually against a tree. JACK : No, thank you. And you are ? IANTO (Stands up again) : Jones, Ianto Jones. JACK : Nice to meet you, Jones, Ianto Jones. (Shake hands). Cap'n Jack Harkness. IANTO : Lucky escape. JACK : I had it under control. IANTO : You think so ? It looked pretty vicious. You're, um... (Reaches for his neck, but Jack backs away). You were bleeding. JACK : Had worse from shaving. IANTO : Looked like a Weevil to me. JACK : I've no idea what you're talking about. (Ianto gives him the "yeah, right" face of smug, and there's some staring. Jack turns away and gives him the shoulder). I'll take him from here. (Bends down, picks up weevil over his shoulders). Thanks for the assistance. IANTO : Anytime. By the way, love the coat. Jack shakes his head as he leaves. EXT DAY Cardiff Bay from above but we're still in flashback, cause it goes to EXT DAY Outside the tourist office Ianto is waiting as Jack comes out the door. The day's outfit is also noteable, still with the jeans and dark jacket but now with open neck shirt and a necklace showing. IANTO : Morning. Coffee ? Ianto holds out a mug, not a bought paper thing, a proper mug. Jack takes it, sniffs. Ianto looks nervous. Jack takes a sip. JACK : Wow ! Hands it back to Ianto. IANTO : I want to work for you. JACK : Sorry. No vacancies. IANTO : Look, let me tell you about myself. JACK : Ianto Jones, born August 19th 1983. (Walks off, talking). Able student but not exceptional, one minor conviction for shoplifting in your teens. Number of temporary jobs, mainly a drifter, until two years ago you join the Torchwood Institute in London. Junior researcher. Girlfriend, Lisa Hallett. IANTO : Deceased. JACK : I'm sorry. IANTO : Look, (gets in front and puts out a hand to stop Jack) you checked me out. JACK : You knew what a Weevil was. Thought I was gonna have to come deal with you. IANTO : But instead you could see I have the right qualifications for the job. JACK : There is no job. We're nothing to do with Torchwood London. I severed all links. Walks off again. IANTO : Yet when it burned, (gets in front and stops him again, physically with a hand out) two members of your team scavenged the ruins. JACK (takes hold of his hand with finger and thumb and removes it from his person) : Don't want the equipment getting into the wrong hands. IANTO : And you're the right hands, are you ? Trial period, three months. JACK : No. IANTO : Three weeks. Three days. Let me prove myself to you. I'll work for nothing. JACK: No. Walks off again. IANTO : I saw what they did at Canary Wharf. (Grabs Jack by the shoulder and pulls him back, gets in front again). What am I supposed to do with those memories ? JACK : You are not my responsibility. And we're not hiring. (Walks off again. You know this bit could only work outside that door, they've got that long stretch where there's wall on one side and water on the other. IANTO : Same time tomorrow then. JACK (keeps walking) : There is no job for you here and there never will be. IANTO : I really like that coat. Raises eyebrow and keeps going. EXT NIGHT - Cardiff from above Still back before, because it zooms in and goes to [SCENE_BREAK] EXT NIGHT - SUV on dark road And look who Jack is talking to. JACK : Toshiko, see if you can decode those hieroglyphics. TOSH : Already on it. JACK : Owen, take a cross section of the paramedic's brain, check it against the list of chemical agents. OWEN : Will do. JACK : Susie, we're going to need to dredge the reservoir. See if you can find the other half. Man steps out in front of car, crotch in front of the headlights, SUV screeches to a halt. Ianto Jones, in a suit, not such a nice one as we're used to, in the middle of the road. Jack climbs out, slams door. JACK : OK, this has to stop. IANTO : No, listen to me. JACK : I don't have time for this. Look, I don't care what your problem is, I want you out of this city by sunrise. There is no place for you here. Go back to London, find yourself another life. Keep stalking me, I'll wipe your memory. IANTO : No, but the thing is... JACK : Any conversation between us, no matter what the subject, is over ! Finished ! Done ! Forever ! I'm getting back behind the wheel of that car and if you're still standing in the road, I'm going to drive through you. Turns and stalks off. IANTO : You're not gonna help me catch this pterodactyl then ? Jack spins around and stares at him. EXT NIGHT outside some building made of corrugated metal Jack is screwing together a really big syringe. He's stripped down to that waistcoat of many pockets, ready for action. IANTO : OK, that is the only special equipment you've got ? JACK : Yeah, cos I keep dinosaur nets in the back of the SUV. IANTO : Torchwood London would've. Jack glares at Ianto and runs for the warehouse door. INT NIGHT same building, big and empty Jack bursts in, Ianto right beside him. Pterodactyl is flying around in the big empty space with the cool lighting, screeching. Dives for the two of them in the door. IANTO : Nope. (?) Jack and Ianto dive back out the door, and slam it behind them. EXT NIGHT that empty building They're side by side with their back to the door. Which says Fire Exit. On the side they're on. JACK : How did you find it ? IANTO : Rift activity locator. JACK : Torchwood London. IANTO : See, quality kit. JACK : Yeah, it's quite excitable. IANTO : Must be your aftershave. JACK : Never wear any. IANTO : You smell like that naturally ? JACK : 51st century pheromones. You people have no idea. Ready for another go ? IANTO : I'm game if you are. JACK : Three, two, one... INT NIGHT Empty building They dive back through the door and this time close it behind them. The pterodactyl is loud, screeching and diving at them. JACK : Split up ! They run in opposite directions. It lands near the door. Ianto catches up with Jack on the other side. Jack grabs him and holds him back, starts moving forward. JACK : We're not gonna harm you. You can't stay here. Come back with me. I've got somewhere nice and big where you can fly around. IANTO : OK, so you'll let the pterodactyl in and not me. JACK : We need a guard dog. IANTO : I can be that. Like a receptionist. Building maintenance, food and drink, dry cleaning even. That coat of yours must take a battering. Like a butler, I could be a butler. JACK : We don't need a butler. IANTO (grabs his arm and points) : Excuse me, dried egg on your collar. JACK : It was a busy week. IANTO (pulls him back) : What exactly is your plan ? Jack pulls free. The pterodactyl flares its wings and screeches some more. JACK : I'm going to be the decoy. IANTO : And it will rip you to shreds. JACK : Dinosaurs ? Had 'em for breakfast. Had to, only source of pre-killed food protein after the asteroid crashed. Long story. Here you go. (Hands him the syringe). One injection to the central nervous cortex. I'll keep it occupied. (Thumps him in the chest). Move. IANTO : No. JACK : What ? Looks at Ianto, for pretty much the first time since they got in here. He'd been staring at the pterodactyl, but now Ianto is more interesting. Ianto gives the syringe back. IANTO : It knows me. I'll be a better decoy. JACK : No, way too dangerous. IANTO : No, I've got a secret weapon. Chocolate. Preferably dark. Ianto walks away without waiting for the word. Jack has face of huh ?! Then he moves too. IANTO (whistles) : I got your favourite, yeah. Ianto walks around and keeps the pterodactyl's attention. We see Jack behind it, syringe in hand. Ianto tosses the chocolate bar. Pterodactyl looks between Ianto and chocolate. IANTO : It's good for your serotonin levels. If you've got serotonin levels. Now the bar is on the floor pterodactyl pecks at it... and then turns around. Sees Jack ! Jack runs forwards with syringe, pterodactyl takes off, Jack grabs. IANTO : Whoa ! JACK : Aagh ! Whoah ! Ianto ! Flying around with Jack hanging on by one hand ! Ianto watches, worried. Jack gets the needle in, then drops. Ianto catches ! JACK : Sorry ! Pterodactyl flying, crashing ! Ianto rolls, Ianto and Jack keep rolling, pterodactyl crashes beside them. Jack and Ianto happy. Laughing. With Ianto on top. There is moment of near nose rubs and lips in close proximity, with significant looking. Hello sexual tension. IANTO : I should go. Pause, then gets up, off him, goes to leave. Jack rolls to his feet. JACK : Hey ! Report for work first thing tomorrow. (Ianto pauses, looking back over his shoulder. Then walks away). Like the suit, by the way. Ianto's face crumples to misery, and we who have watched 1-04 remember the happy romantic comedy thing is really not the story back then. But as with Jack's walking away reactions, framed very similar, only the camera gets to see this one, so Jack has no clue. INT DAY, building gone boom Jack in the coat, his legs in view and Ianto still under rubble. Jack is throwing bits aside to get at Ianto. JACK : Ready ? Three. One, two three... Come on. Ianto arrgh noises, and Jack hauls him out the rubble. Gwen helps. More and louder argh. JACK : You OK ? IANTO : My shoulder. I think it's dislocated. JACK : Can you take this ? IANTO : Yeah. JACK : Take a deep breath. IANTO (crunching and screaming. And then he puffs a bit and it's back to work) : Where are the others ? JACK : We need your help to get Toshiko out. IANTO : Owen ? GWEN : No sign yet. IANTO : If anything happens he can't repair himself. GWEN : Of course, he can't heal, can he ? JACK : OK, we'll help Rhys with Toshiko. Let us know when you find Owen. And be careful. OK ? (He hand flat on Ianto's chest, over his heart, checks again). OK ? All right ? INT DAY, building still gone boom at this end too Owen is lying in the rubble. His head is a bit sideways, and he's looking out the corner of his eyes at the camera. Creaking from overhead. Camera pulls back and we see a whacking great chunk of window frame, glass broken and jagged. It's swinging a bit, and Owen is watching it with complete attention. He's under bits of rubble, awkwardly. He pulls his right arm out with great care, goes to reach for more bricks, the window falls ! He makes a gasp that's just short of a scream, and his look of fear upgrades to terror. Good thing he's all corpsified really or he'd be in need of new trousers for sure. He stays very, very still. Fade to black. 4 years earlier INT DAY, a bedroom Owen and a blonde woman are on a double bed together. There's papers scattered on it. The covers are sort of pink, the walls sort of orange, and there's clutter and textiles and a picture on the wall. It all looks very warm and there's sunlight falling on the bed. Very different than Owen's current style. Also, Owen is wearing a shirt and tie, albeit scruffy and partly undone. KATIE : Oh, go on, please, please, please, please, please ! OWEN : No, you don't even like her, ever since she didn't pay for her share of the Chinese in Leicester. KATIE : Yeah, but we want Julia to come and it'll look odd if we invite one without the other. OWEN : Oh, God, help me please, help me God ! KATIE : Three tables done. Nine more to go. You wanna back out ? It's still not too late. OWEN : Listen, I'm marrying you even if it kills me. OK ? Some very sweet snuggly kissing. KATIE : Good. Do you want a cup of tea ? OWEN : Yeah, I'll make one. KATIE : I think I can manage. She gets up and leaves. I didn't notice first time through, but look at the look on Owen's face right then. INT DAY, a kitchen Same warm colors and sunlight coming in. You can see the bedroom door off behind Owen when he comes in. It's almost one big room, with a sofa bit in the middle. Barely a two room flat then. But full of clutter and living stuff. Katie is standing there, teabag in one hand, mug in the other, staring into space. OWEN : Katie. KATIE : Yeah ? OWEN : Um, water. KATIE : Yeah. Goes to the kitchen tap. OWEN : From the kettle. (She gets it, pours, goes to drink. Owen adds softly). Milk. KATIE : Stop nagging me ! I don't want to have milk. I've never liked milk. I want to have... (big long pause). OWEN: Tea. KATIE : I wanna have tea without... Looks upset and snaps fingers. OWEN : Milk. KATIE : Tea without milk. Turns, puts cup down, slaps the worktop repeatedly, really really upset now. OWEN (goes over, turns her around, hugs her) : Darling, it's all right. It's all right. Holds her close. First words of next scene heard over that hug. INT with a window DAY, hospital office with a garden outside Invitation mentioned, we see Owen standing in a window, suit and tie and arms crossed, the blinds forming bars in front of him. On "still" we switch pov to look out from Owen's place, now the bars are in front of Katie, standing in the garden. JIM : I got your invitation. Still going ahead ? OWEN : I promised her a summer wedding. JIM : Before all this. Cuts to an office, brain scans on a lightbox on the wall. All this is medical. Nice little sequence there. OWEN : This changes nothing. JIM : Owen, it will change everything. OWEN : You don't know for certain. JIM : We've been through Kate's test results more times than any patient in my whole career. You've looked through them yourself. All the evidence suggests she has early onset Alzheimer's. OWEN : The youngest case in medical history. JIM : It doesn't mean we're wrong. OWEN : Please... run more tests. Let's just try one more MRI scan. JIM : An MRI isn't going to make any difference. OWEN : You don't know that. Now You have said yourself that this is unlike any case that you've seen, and maybe you've missed something. JIM : Owen... OWEN : You don't understand, Jim, OK. One day she's fine, she's perfect memory, the old Katie, and the next there's nothing, she's blank. Now, I am losing her and I don't know what to do about that, OK ? So please. What's the point of me doing this job if I can't help my own fiancée ? JIM : I'll see what I can do. OWEN : Thank you, Jim. Turns and smiles out at Katie, who smiles back, glass and bars still between them. INT NIGHT their bedroom Owen is sitting up watching her sleep. He's dressed, stripy pyjamas, and he's just watching her. INT Close up on Katie with a red laser line traveling down her head Getting the MRI then INT Room full of brain scans Owen watches through the window, blinds again, horizontal bars this time, blocking more of the view. He turns to look at what the computer is doing. More brain scans on another light box behind him. INT DAY Hospital corridor Owen and Katie sit together. KATIE : It's like being lost, in a place you know really well, but you can't get your bearings. Sometimes it comes back to you. And sometimes... I'm sorry, Owen. OWEN : What've you got to be sorry for ? KATIE : I don't want to put you through this. Last night, I dreamt that you left me. OWEN : Oh, come on. Nobody's leaving anyone. He kisses her and holds her. Their doctor appears at the end of the corridor, file folder in hand. Close up on Owen holding Katie, stroking her face. INT DAY Hospital office Owen and Katie sit on the far side of the desk, Owen holding Katie's hand in her lap. The doctor sits the other, pinstriped back to the camera. Very little sun shines in. OWEN : How is that possible ? JIM : We don't know. I've never seen anything like it. It's not the brain deteriorating. It's a clear physical tumour. OWEN : That wasn't there last week ? JIM : Not that we saw. You were right to ask for another scan. OWEN : So what do we do now ? JIM : We have to view this as good news. Katie, we need to take you into surgery, soon as possible, and remove the tumour. OWEN : D'you understand ? Katie. KATIE (she looks at him, just staring) : I can't remember your name. INT Hospital corridor Theatre in Use light on. Owen in his same suit standing outside a double door, the brain doctor in scrubs with his gloved hands up. There's a window in the door, but again there's bars, and this time darker. OWEN : Are you sure she's up to this ? JIM : We're going to do everything we can for her. Montage of time passing as Owen worries and waits. Camera stays still as Owen is in different places, always moving, tapping with worry. Then he's standing outside the door and there's a thud. Jack steps up behind him. JACK : I'm sorry. OWEN : Who the hell are you ? JACK : I tried to tell them You should prepare for the worst. Goes past Owen to go in. Owen grabs and stops him. OWEN : No, you can't go in there. Jack looks at him, then pushes past. Opens door and goes in. INT Hospital operating room Lots of people in scrubs lying dead, including the brain doctor. OWEN : Oh, my God ! Katie. (Owen runs in, runs over to her... sees her brain sticking out, and something waving a tentacle out of her brain). What is it ? JACK : I'm sorry. I tried to stop them. She's dead. That thing in her head is an alien life form. It incubates in the brain, disrupting the shape and functions. When it's attacked or threatened, it emits a toxic gas that's fatal to humans. It clears pretty quickly. OWEN : She can't be dead. She can't be dead. I'm calling, calling the police. JACK : Tell them that Torchwood is already here and dealing with it. That'll save them a call-out. I need to take her brain back with me. OWEN (starts whispered gets loud) : Don't touch her ! Don't touch her ! Don't touch her ! They struggle, and Jack uses a cloth on Owen's mouth to knock him out. Fade to fuzzy, then unfuzz to next scene. INT Hospital ward Owen wakes up in a hospital bed. He's wearing hospital clothes, propped up on a pillow. More fuzzy pov shots. Owen has an IV in his hand and pulls it out. NURSE : How are you feeling ? OWEN : Where is she ? NURSE : Where's who ? OWEN : Katie. Katie Russell, she's a junior doctor, she works here, we're about to get married. NURSE : Let's get you back into bed. OWEN : Get off me. Where is she ? Where is she ? Where is she ?! Where is she ?! He's struggling to get up, they're keeping him pinned down. INT Hospital, different office There's still brain pictures up but they aren't shiny high tech ones. We start with a closeup of a hand taking notes. Owen is wearing a dark blue bathrobe over hospital pattern shirt. The effect couldn't be more different than the suit. No more armour. OWEN : He was wearing a military uniform. He had an American accent. PSHRINK : I promise. We have checked all the security footage. There was no such man. OWEN : Jim Garrett was poisoned by some alien toxin, by some... PSHRINK : Jim Garrett was in a car accident. OWEN : The American said that he wanted her brain, that there was... alien creature, or... This happened, OK ? This is not some trauma or delayed grief or whatever you're scribbling down. PSHRINK : Katie's tumour was inoperable. There was nothing anyone could have done. OWEN : This is just, (breaking down, near crying) this is wrong. PSHRINK : I'm giving you three months prescribed rest. Don't come into work. OWEN (angry now, gets up in Pshrink's face, hands on desk) : Yeah ! Storms out. Which don't work so well in the bathrobe, but he manages. INT Security office (?) Suit again, looking at stuff on computer monitors. Turns out to be CCTV footage. OWEN : This isn't right. He was there. It wasn't just me. He was there too. That is not what happened ! That is... not what happened. Breaking down crying again. EXT DAY cemetery Rows of gravestones, then Katie's grave with only the temporary wooden marker and some bunches of flowers. Owen, in suit and black tie, kneels and checks flowers. Then rubs his eyes. Sees Jack across the graveyard. Runs after him. Jack just stands there and waits. Owen punches him. Knocks him down. Climbs on top and starts to beat the sh1t out of him. Jack only tries to stop him after four or five good ones. OWEN : You ! You could've saved her ! You could've saved her ! You could've...saved her ! Starts strangling Jack... then stops, and breaks down crying on his chest. Jack holds him. JACK : I couldn't. I really couldn't. Same cemetery, different shot. Long shot of them walking between graves. With the trees around the edges and the way the view is blocked it's a big space, but it's only full of the dead. OWEN : If you're not a figment of my imagination, then I don't know what's happening any more. Maybe this is... what a mental breakdown feels like. JACK : You're fine. It's the rest of the world that's delusional. Keep telling yourself that Jack... Shot goes medium close, both of them from the waist up. Owen's seriously done a number on Jack's face. OWEN : Why her ? JACK : There's no reason. Your life doesn't end with her. What are you gonna do now ? Go back to work ? See echoes of her in every corridor ? You need a purpose. I'm building something. I need a medic. OWEN : And you want me ? JACK : You made them take more scans. You kept trying to track me down. You don't give up easily. (Hand on Owen's shoulder). I need someone like that to work with me in Cardiff. OWEN : To fight aliens. JACK : Exactly. OWEN : Look... I dunno what happened to Katie and I dunno who you really are, but there is no such thing as aliens. JACK : You think ? INT HUB, just inside the cog door OWEN : I'm having a breakdown. Mental collapse. JACK : Owen, why did you become a doctor ? OWEN : I thought if I could save one life, mine would be worthwhile. But you save one... and there's another. And another. All clawing at you, demanding to be saved. And even if you do succeed, you can never save enough. JACK (from behind Owen, hands on both his shoulders) : Maybe here you can. INT DAY, building gone boom Close up on Owen's fear face. He gulps. Which given the state of his squishy systems has to be pure habit. Then he looks to the other side, and the camera pulls back to show Gwen arriving. OWEN : How are the others ? GWEN : All right. OWEN : Careful ! If that falls... GWEN : OK, it's not going to fall... (short sharp fall, broken edges gleaming. Bit of screaming). OK. OWEN : Just be very careful. GWEN : OK, all right, all right. We're gonna get you out. OK, this one ? Moves some blocks. OWEN : Look, if you do it very, very gently... GWEN : OK. It isn't going to drop on you. OWEN : Whoah ! GWEN : Quiet. OWEN : OK, sorry. GWEN : I'm going to do this as quickly as possible. Listen to me. I'm going to get you out of this. Look at me, trust me. One particular huge jagged bit of glass falls some more. GWEN : OK, hold my hands. OWEN : Sorry. GWEN : Hold my hands ! Pulls him up and out and the big bit falls right down where he was. EXT DAY Outside the boomed building Jack, Ianto, Rhys and Tosh emerge from the near door, Owen and Gwen run in from the far end. JACK : You OK ? OWEN : You all right ? Tosh, what happened ? TOSH : Broken arm, bruised ribs, about an inch away from being crushed by a girder. OWEN : You were lucky. IANTO : We all were. GWEN : Jack, who's done this ? IANTO : And where's the SUV ? Bleeping, Jack checks his wrist strap. Hologram ! IANTO : Oh, no. GWEN : Jack, what does he want ? JOHN HART : Oh, deja vu ! Or did I say that already ? Hey, team. Course, there might be a few less of you by now. Don't know if you liked my little gift. Course, you can't die. And with all that life, all that time, you can't spare any for me. Oh! Say hi to the family. Hologram John's wrist strap makes a second hologram which shows up in the hologram. JACK : No...it can't be. JOHN : Been a while since you've seen your brother, eh, Jack. JACK : Gray ? JOHN : OK, here's what's going to happen. Everything you love, everything you treasure, will die. I'm going to tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harkness, piece by piece. Starting now. Maybe now you'll wanna spend some time with me. Gray blinks out, John blinks out, Jack looks grim.

Plan: A: the team; Q: What is knocked unconscious? A: their lives; Q: What flashes before the team's eyes? A: a shocked Victorian Torchwood; Q: What was Captain Jack's initiation into? A: 1899; Q: In what year was Captain Jack initiated into Torchwood? A: her mother's life; Q: What did Toshiko trade alien technology for? A: Ianto; Q: Who woo'd Jack with coffee and a flair for alien-catching? A: the medical revelation; Q: What changed how Owen saw the world? Summary: A booby trapped building explodes and knocks the team unconscious. As their lives flash before their eyes, we learn how each of them was recruited to Torchwood - Captain Jack's initiation into a shocked Victorian Torchwood in 1899; Toshiko's daring mission to trade alien technology for her mother's life; how Ianto woo'd Jack with coffee and a flair for alien-catching and; the medical revelation that changed how Owen saw the world.

Shot of Anya dropping her dress. Xander looking surprised. Giles: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Anya: Please remove your clothing now. Shot of Anya and Xander kissing. Anya: Relationship. What kind do we have, and what is it progressing toward? Tara: They don't even know I exist, right? Willow: I just like having something that's just, you know, mine. Shot of Tara putting something on Willow's forehead and lips. Tara Voiceover: I am, you know. Willow Voiceover: What? Tara: Yours. Shot of Buffy and Riley kissing, embracing. Shot of Buffy in bed looking up at Riley as he bends down to kiss her. (Buffy fighting a vampire. She kicks him, they exchange a few punches, she throws him across the graveyard. Riley joins in and kicks the vampire. They exchange punches as Buffy loads her crossbow. She brings it to her face and aims. Riley throws the vampire over his shoulder. Buffy lowers the crossbow to smile proudly. Riley lifts the vampire and holds him in position. Buffy fires, but a demon appears and shoves Riley out of the way, then helps the vampire up. Buffy drops her crossbow and joins the fight. She kicks the vampire and then the demon, then moves aside to regroup.) BUFFY: Okay, you get Fang, I'll get Horny. (Riley looks at her.) I mean... (The vampire attacks. He throws Riley over his shoulder. Riley rolls and comes up holding a stake.) (Buffy kicks the demon in the chest, then a circular kick to knock him over. She kicks his knee and punches him several times in the back. Riley knees the vampire in the back. Buffy has the demon by the neck and stabs him in the back. Riley stakes the vampire and he's dust.) (Buffy throws down her weapon and sighs. Riley puts his stake back in a thigh holster.) BUFFY: Whoo! Vampire-demon tag team. (Brushing hair out of her face) Who says we can't all get along? RILEY: Don't recall ever seeing that before. (Steps close to her.) BUFFY: It never happened. (Touching his face) Vamps ... hate demons ... (Riley strokes her hair) Like stripes and polka dots. (Running her hands down his arms) Major ... clashing. (She and Riley caressing each other) So, uh ... I guess we should tell Giles about this. RILEY: Right. BUFFY: I mean, it's the kind of thing he'd ... wanna know about. RILEY: Uh-huh. BUFFY: Like, as soon as possible. RILEY: As soon as possible. (Cut to Riley's bedroom door opening. Riley comes in holding Buffy, kissing enthusiastically. She's pulling his shirt off.) BUFFY: I mean it now. First thing... (smooch) In the morning... (smooch) We go tell Giles. (Riley's carrying her across the room.) RILEY: First thing. Good plan. (They fall onto the bed.) Opening credits. Guest starring Amber Benson, Leonard Roberts, Bailey Chase, Kathryn Joosten, and Emma Caulfield as Anya. (Camera pans slowly across the lobby of Lowell House, darkened. We see chairs, couches, fireplace. Pan up the stairs and across the landing to the door of Riley's room. Cut to inside the room. Riley and Buffy asleep, snuggling. Riley wakes up, looks at Buffy, kisses her shoulder, gets out of bed. Creepy music, sounds like the same music in "Hush." Riley puts on pants and leaves, closing the door quietly. He hears a rattling noise and looks around, looks downstairs, walks slowly through the dark halls toward a door. Shot of the doorknob and his hand grasping it. He opens the door and walks into a bathroom. Turns on the light. The noise continues. Camera pans through the bathroom: sinks, toilet stalls, bathtub with the shower curtain pulled shut. Riley looks around the bathroom, approaches the tub slowly. He yanks back the shower curtain. There's nothing there except a drippy faucet. Riley makes a face and turns it off. He stands there looking at it as cheerful music starts.) (Cut to an ice-cream truck driving down the street, daylight, making cheery music. Cut to Xander driving the truck, wearing a red-and-white striped shirt and matching hat. Anya sitting next to him.) XANDER: Aw, come on. Big party at Riley's house. It's gonna be fun. Why don't you wanna go? (He stops the truck) ANYA: You know why not. Those initiative men make me... not comfortable. And you don't care. XANDER: They don't even know that you're an ex-demon. And we don't know that they'd care even if they did know. Which, by the way, they're not gonna find out. (Gets up and goes into back of truck to set up) Anyways, they'll probably be too busy flirting with every other girl at the party to even notice you. ANYA: So ... you don't think I'm desirable enough to be flirted with? (X looks surprised) Is that it? XANDER: I'm just not gonna win here, am I? ANYA: (sighs. Accusingly) You don't find me attractive any more. XANDER: What are you talking about? I think you're gorgeous. ANYA: Oh, really? Well then, why didn't we have s*x last night? XANDER: (looks up) Is that what this is about? We've gone other nights without s*x. ANYA: (angry) I know. Twice! I can't believe we're breaking up. XANDER: Breaking- We're not! Are we? ANYA: Of course we are. You, you've obviously grown tired of me. I mean, I've seen it happen to thousands of women over the centuries, I just never thought it would happen to me. XANDER: Anya, there's a lot more to you and me than the s*x. (Anya rolls her eyes) Well, there should be! I mean, a relationship is something that you work at. Work through. Together. ANYA: I don't understand. I'm pretty, I'm young... I mean... (stands up, walks closer) Why didn't you take advantage of me? Is something wrong with your body? XANDER: (getting mad) There's nothing wrong with my body. ANYA: Well, there must be. I saw that wrinkled man on TV talking about erectile dysfunction- XANDER: Whoa! Hey. (Chuckles nervously) All systems go here. (Gesturing at his crotch) No function problem, okay? (Anya looks skeptical) XANDER: (claps his hands, starts unbuttoning his shirt) You want s*x? Let's have s*x. Right here. Hot, sweaty, big s*x. (Camera angle changes so we see into the truck from the perspective of the customer window in the side of the truck. Xander's hands stop moving. His and Anya's heads turn together.) (Shot of a group of kids and parents staring up at them.) (Shot of Xander and Anya giving false smiles.) GILES VOICEOVER: There's always been great discord between them. (Cut to Giles holding a rolled-up piece of paper.) GILES: And yet you say that the, the vampire went to the demon's aid. The two of them were working as a team? BUFFY: (sitting on Riley's lap, nods) Everything except giving each other little pats on the behind. (We see the interior of a college lounge room. Buffy and Riley in one chair, Giles on their right, Willow and Tara on the sofa across from them.) GILES: Extraordinarily odd. (Sits back, crosses his legs, gestures with the paper) As a rule, demons ... have no empathy for any of the species other than their own. (Shot of Buffy and Riley giving each other affectionate looks) GILES: In fact, most think of (sees someone walking by, lowers his voice) vampires as ... abominations. Mixing with human blood and all. WILLOW: So ... what brought these two together? RILEY: Not what. Who. GILES: (realizing) Adam. (Pulls off his glasses) BUFFY: Think about it. Who better to bring together a bunch of ... demon types than someone who's made out of a ... bunch of demon types? TARA: So he's, um, bridging the gap between the races. WILLOW: Huh, like Martin Luther King. (Shot of Giles raising his eyebrows skeptically) GILES: Um, (clears throat) I suggest that, uh, over the next several nights, you two (Shot of Buffy's and Riley's hands stroking each other) concentrate your patrol in that same area. If there's any other peculiar pairings or groupings, you let me know. RILEY: I'll let the squad know as well. They're patrolling. (To Buffy) We'll have a, uh, reserve unit out during the party. GILES: (frown) Party? RILEY: Tomorrow night. We're having a thing. GILES: At a time like this? Who, well, whose idea was that? RILEY: Mine. Boys are pretty ragged, need to let off steam. (Giles nods.) GILES: Point taken. RILEY: You're welcome to come. GILES: Well, much as I, uh, long for a good kegger, I have other plans. The Espresso Pump. (Sits back, looks embarrassed) (Buffy and Riley exchange another amorous look, more hand stroking) WILLOW: What are you doing there? GILES: I'm, um, uh, it's a, a meeting of, uh, grownups. It couldn't possibly be of any interest to you lot. RILEY: Buffy, hey, look at the time. Don't you, uh, have a class? BUFFY: Yeah, in about 20 minutes. RILEY: Yeah, but ... I have that ... thing... (Buffy gets it) BUFFY: Right, that ... thing, we could ... squeeze in ... before. RILEY: Yeah. (They get up) BUFFY: Bye! RILEY: Gotta run. (Giles waves his paper) WILLOW: (stretching, grinning) They, they're probably going to- (Tara grins) GILES: Yes, thank you Willow, I did attend university in the Mesozoic era, I do remember what it's like. (Cut to exterior shot of Lowell House, night. Cut to inside. It's dark. Forrest and Graham come down the stairs from the second floor, shivering.) FORREST: Didn't we just get the furnace fixed? It's freezing! GRAHAM: I'll call in the AM, get somebody to come- (They hear a noise, turn. Walk over to Riley's door and listen. Rhythmic moaning from behind the door.) FORREST: Oh, you gotta be kidding me. When do these two come up for air? (Graham grins.) GRAHAM: Slaves to the rhythm. (They walk off. Focus on the door.) (Cut to inside the room. Buffy and Riley in bed, smooching and rolling around. Panting, moaning. A hand opens the drawer on the bedside table. There are lots of condoms inside. The hand grabs one and retreats.) (Cut to downstairs. Another Initiative guy (Mason) is putting wood on the fire in the fireplace. Forrest and Graham come down the stairs.) FORREST: Room shoulda warmed up by now. MASON: I been building this thing for an hour. It's still an icebox in here. GRAHAM: Don't bother, Mason, we got a couple of heat generators pumpin' away upstairs. (Mason looks up and grins.) (Forrest and Graham grin too, rubbing their arms to keep warm.) (Cut to the bedroom. Pan up a naked leg. Buffy and Riley smooching. Shot of hands on a naked back. Shot from above with Buffy on top. Closeup on kissing mouths. Long shot of them rolling over so Riley's on top.) (Cut to downstairs. Mason finishes with the fire and stands up, blowing on his hands and rubbing them together. He sits in a chair in front of the fire.) (Shot of Graham watching the fire, Forrest walking away.) (Lingering shot of the fire crackling, flames building.) (Lingering shot of Riley's bedroom door.) (Cut to the bedroom. More smooching, moaning. Buffy's back on top. They get more and more passionate.) (Cut to downstairs. Flames explode out of the fireplace. Mason flinches as the flames engulf him.) GRAHAM: Jeez! (Mason screams. His sleeves and the front of his shirt are on fire.) (Forrest looks around, grabs a banner and uses it to extinguish the flames on Mason. Graham moves forward.) FORREST: Call a medic. Get help! (Graham runs off.) (Shot of the fireplace. The flames look very contained now.) Commercial. (Anya walking down an alley, looking annoyed. She turns a corner onto the street. We see the entrance to the Bronze in the distance.) SPIKE: Grr! (Spike leaps out, wearing his vampire face, growling. Anya jumps back with a yell. Spike looks annoyed.) SPIKE: Oh, it's you. (Morphs back to human face) ANYA: Spike! (petulantly) What are you doing? You made me yell really high. SPIKE: Hey! Yeah, I did. I scared you. (Grins. Walks right up to her until his face is inches from hers) Gimme money. ANYA: I'm not paying you for scaring me. (Pushes him away.) SPIKE: You're not paying me. I'm robbing you. ANYA: Oh, well now that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me because you've got that chip in your brain. Also, I like my money the way it is... when it's mine. (Starts to walk past him.) (Spike growls and spins her around.) ANYA: Oh, now come on. You're not even bumpy any more. SPIKE: (feels his forehead with fingers) Oh. I was just a minute ago. Hang on. (Steps back, preparing) Get me mad again. ANYA: (sighs) Does this really work? Scaring people into giving you their money? SPIKE: Yeah, it works. Keeps me in blood and beers. (Grins) Plus, you know, funny. Watching those little humans quail. ANYA: I'm beginning to understand why you're so friendless. SPIKE: Look who's talking! (Looks her up and down) I don't see droopy boy on your arm. (Softly) Did he have better things to do? (Anya crosses her arms and raises one eyebrow dangerously.) (Cut to exterior of Lowell House. Loud party music, people walking in and out, holding beers. Cut to inside, more of the same. Xander, Buffy, Willow and Tara standing together.) (Shot of Buffy looking across the room and smiling.) FORREST VOICEOVER: You're kidding. (Shot of Graham, Forrest and Riley by the stairs holding beers. Riley's looking across the room (at Buffy), not paying attention.) FORREST: Mason requested to go on patrol? GRAHAM: He just didn't want the girls to see him with his eyebrows all burnt off. (Shot of Riley smiling across the room at Buffy.) (Shot of Buffy smiling back.) FORREST: He's lucky that's all he lost. GRAHAM: You shoulda seen it, Rye. Weird as hell. RILEY: (not listening) Mm-hmm. (Forrest and Graham frown, look where Riley's looking. Cut to Buffy and the gang.) WILLOW: How many kids? XANDER: I dunno, a whole herd of them. And some parents to boot. (Buffy glances at him, then looks past him and smiles) It was kind of embarrassing, which, welcome to life with Anya. TARA: So you don't even know if she's coming tonight. XANDER: I'm thinking no. She was... pretty upset. Which, makes me wonder, is it me? Am I the crazy one? (Willow and Tara shrug at each other) BUFFY: (still looking at Riley, not listening) Uh-huh. Absolutely. (The others look where Buffy's looking.) WILLOW: Hey, Buffy, this might be a good time to mention that someone, so not me, spilled something purply on your new peasant top which I would never borrow without asking. Still love me? BUFFY: Uh-huh. (Willow and Tara look at each other and laugh.) (Buffy ponders for a moment, then looks at Willow.) BUFFY: Huh? What about my peasant top? WILLOW: Nothin'. TARA: (quickly) Xander was just talking about Anya. (Buffy nods.) XANDER: Oh, it's nothing much. Just feeling pretty glad right now that a certain ex-demon doesn't have any powers. (Buffy's attention is gone again, staring over at Riley.) ANYA VOICEOVER: Boy, I miss those powers. (Cut to Anya and Spike sitting on a couch at the Bronze, holding beers and looking morose. Spike has his arm along the top of the couch, almost touching her.) SPIKE: Yeah, tell me about it. ANYA: A year and a half ago, I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. (Sighs) Things used to be so much simpler. SPIKE: (wistfully) You know ... you take the killing for granted. (Anya nods nostalgically.) And then it's gone, and you're like, "I wish I'd appreciated it more." Stopped and smelled the corpses, you know? ANYA: Yeah. Now everything's complicated. SPIKE: It's a terrible thing, love is. I been there myself. (Pause) It ended badly. ANYA: Of course it did. It always does. Seen a thousand relationships. First there's the love, and s*x, and then there's nothing left but the vengeance. That's how it works. (Spike smiles, leans in really close.) SPIKE: You and I ... should just go do the vengeance. Both of us! You eviscerate Xander, and I'll stake Dru. Like a project. (Anya looks tempted.) ANYA: I don't know. I just can't. (Sighs) (Spike looks resigned. He takes his arm down.) ANYA: (encouraging) You can go do Dru though. SPIKE: (nods) Yeah. I will. (Sits still for a moment) Maybe later. (Anya smiles. They sit together quietly.) (Cut back to the party. People dancing, having fun.) (The Snobby Guy from "Beer Bad" is talking to a girl.) SNOB: See, the thing that they're afraid to teach us about is the inherent sensuality of language. I mean, you, you learn French and they make it all about conjugations and, uh, fronted vowels ... but nobody really talks about ... you know, the way language tastes, you know, the, the way it feels, rolling over your tongue. I mean, just think about "car" versus "voiture." (He leans his hand on the wall, makes a startled face) Oh! (The girl looks puzzled. He stares at the wall. Shot of his hand on the wall.) SNOB: Wow. (Nervous chuckle) GIRL: Are you all right? SNOB: Fine! I - oh! (Gasps. The girl looks concerned.) Oh my god. Wow, wow. (Chuckle) GIRL: So you really like French, huh? SNOB: Yeah, well... (satisfied smile and sigh) (Cut to Xander walking through the crowds. He walks up to a girl (Julie) who's looking at a cabinet of trophies.) XANDER: (reading trophy inscription) "Lowell house. 1962." (Julie smiles.) JULIE: Yes. XANDER: Um, just, you know, impressing you with my knowledge of local history. Or my knowledge of reading. JULIE: (friendly teasing) You didn't even have to sound anything out. XANDER: You should see me add short columns of small numbers. (Julie laughs.) JULIE: You're funny. XANDER: Thanks. I mean ... funny "how amusing," or funny "back away and avoid eye contact"? JULIE: Hmm ... kinda both. (Xander nods.) JULIE: Who are you here with? XANDER: (shrugs) Right now I seem to be here with you. (She smiles. He smiles back.) (Cut to Buffy approaching Riley.) BUFFY: Hey, uh, can we- (points upstairs) I, um, need you to take a look at an ... essay, for ... class. RILEY: That ... essay, right. Here. (Hands his drink to Forrest. Forrest looks annoyed. Graham looks amused) RILEY: I'll catch you guys in a minute, uh, essay ... gotta look at ... (Buffy pulling him upstairs) (Forrest and Graham watch them go.) GRAHAM: And *I'm* the one who got a D in covert ops. (Forrest shakes his head. They drink their beers.) (Cut to Snob Guy still talking to the girl. Another guy walks by.) SNOB: Hey, Evan, Evan, come here. You gotta see this. (Evan looks confused.) EVAN: I'm getting a beer. SNOB: No, no, no, first ... just ... put your hand right ... here. (Points at the wall) EVAN: (comes over) Okay. Somehow this is a trick, I know it. SNOB: Here. (Grabs Evan's hand and puts it on the wall. The girl watches with a grin) Now stay. Don't move. (We see some other people in the background watching and grinning) EVAN: Whoa. (Breathing heavily) What is that? (The others laugh) I kinda feel ... (heavy breathing, gesturing with his other hand near his crotch) Oh my god. Oh god. (Girl laughs) (Cut to Willow and Tara sitting on the stairs.) WILLOW: Horses, like big ... tall ... teeth that can take your arm off horses? TARA: Well, sure. I learned to ride when I was a kid. It's fun. (Smiling) And, by the way, most horses don't like arm very much. (Willow looks uncertain.) WILLOW: I had a bad birthday party pony thing when I was four. I, I look at horses and I see really big ponies. TARA: You should ride with me sometime. I guarantee safety and fun. (Willow smiles.) WILLOW: Well... if you promise you'll look after me. (Puts her hand on Tara's knee. Tara suddenly jumps back.) TARA: Don't touch me! (Willow frowns in confusion.) TARA: That's ... just disgusting. (Standing up) WILLOW: (standing) Tara ... what's the matter? TARA: (panting) I don't, I don't know. WILLOW: I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to ... are-are you feeling okay? TARA: I'm f-fine, I just wanna ... (pointing upstairs) go to the bathroom ... (runs up the stairs) (Willow watches her go, concerned.) (Cut to Spike and Anya entering the party together. Spike stares at a guy exiting.) SPIKE: Hey ... I know these guys from somewhere. ANYA: Initiative soldiers, they live here. Experiments happen in the lab under the house. (Spike beginning to look nervous and angry) It's where they kept you, put in your chip. Let's have fun! SPIKE: (angry) What are you doing? You brought me *here*? XANDER: (offscreen) Anya? What are you doing? (Anya turns) XANDER: (pointing at Spike) You brought *him* here? SPIKE: That's what *I* said! Only I hit the "here" part. XANDER: Anya, this is crazy. (Anya crosses her arms, glares at him) We had a little fight. It just means that we have to work our way through some stuff. It doesn't mean that we rebound with the evil undead. (Spike looks offended) And what have we been doing with him anyway? SPIKE: (grinning) Oh, who's the puffed-up manly man? All splotchy and possessive. (Walks over to Xander) ANYA: It's not very convincing, is it? SPIKE: Yeah. I see now what you said about him earlier. (Looks Xander up and down) No follow-through. XANDER: (loudly) Hey! What a surprise! Hostile 17! (Spike trying to shut him up) Can I get you a drink, Hostile 17? (Spike looks around anxiously to see if anyone heard.) ANYA: Xander, stop. (Spike jumps back from some people who walk by. A bunch of guys walk past, ignoring them. Spike looks around.) SPIKE: Pfft! (Regaining his confidence) Well, may be some fun to be had in the lion's den after all. You two keep scraping. I'll find the liquor. (Walks away) XANDER: Anya. What are you doing with him? ANYA: (angry) We didn't have s*x, if that's what you mean. That's all I do now, not have s*x. XANDER: You're overreacting. We had a fight. But see, it's okay. It's normal. ANYA: Yes. The normal part of the ending a relationship right before the vengeance begins. XANDER: Right. No! Vengeance? ANYA: Relax, I'm not gonna do it. I'm just trying to tell you that we have nothing in common besides both of us liking your pen1s. And now I don't even have that! So I get to say when it's done. And it's done. XANDER: Okay, you know what? You don't deserve to be the one to walk away from this. I've put up with a hell of a lot from you ... much of that in the last minute ... and if anyone gets to be the one to leave, it's me. (Starts to walk away) ANYA: (incredulously) You're leaving *me*? XANDER: Yes. I am. ANYA: Where are you going? XANDER: To enjoy the party. (Walks away) ANYA: (yells as she pushes through the crowd, moving away from him) Well then, then I'm staying too, to, to show you how much I'm not bothered by you having fun! Because I'll be having more fun! XANDER: (yells across the room) I'm having fun already! ANYA: (yells) Me too! (Unhappy face) Woo hoo! (Turns and stalks off) (Xander looks frustrated, walks off in the other direction.) (Cut to a bunch of people cheering and laughing. Xander turns a corner and discovers some people sitting on the floor playing Spin The Bottle.) XANDER: Huh. Sometimes I just don't get the sophisticated college lifestyle. (He starts to leave, then notices one of the players is Julie, the girl he was talking to earlier. She notices him too. She looks surprised, then smiles. She motions with her head indicating that he should join them. Xander grins and comes to sit down.) XANDER: Gee, it's a good thing Mom's out. We'd be in trouble. (Cut to Spike sitting by the beer kegs watching other people drink (and he's drinking too). The drunk Initiative guy across from him frowns.) DRUNK GUY: Hey, buddy. You look familiar. SPIKE: Yeah. I get that a lot. (The guy keeps frowning and looking at him. Spike just sits.) (Cut back to Spin The Bottle. Xander spins, and it lands pointing at Julie.) JULIE: Hey, Xander. XANDER: Julie! (Looks around nervously) Okay. This, then, would be the kissing. (Nods nervously.) (Julie gets on all fours and leans toward him. He moves forward, looking around for Anya, and quickly kisses her cheek.) XANDER: Very smooth cheek you have there. Do you exfoliate? (Suddenly Julie grabs him and plants a passionate kiss on him. The others laugh and cheer. She climbs on top of him, still kissing.) XANDER: Whoa! (More kissing. He grabs her arms and pulls her away.) XANDER: Julie! What? (She suddenly looks horrified.) JULIE: I'm sorry. I didn't... I'm sorry! (She jumps up and runs off. Xander looks confused, then runs after her.) (Xander walks through the crowds, looking around. We hear a girl yelling "Oh my god!" happily. X finds a group of people around the spot on the wall. Snob's girl is touching it and going "Oh, oh, oh! Touch it!" She falls back against Snob Guy. He puts his hand on the wall. The others chatter loudly.) (Xander hears crying noises from behind a closed door.) XANDER: Hi, uh, you okay? (More crying) Julie? (He tries the doorknob but it's locked.) (Cut to inside the closet. Julie is crying and cutting her hair off with a straight razor or knife.) JULIE: I'm bad. I'm bad. (She keeps crying and repeating "I'm bad" while chopping off pieces of hair and dropping them on the floor.) (Cut to Willow knocking on bathroom door.) WILLOW: Tara? It's me. (Nothing. She knocks again) Tara? (Opens door) Tara? (Walks into bathroom, looks around. The camera pans through the bathroom exactly as it did with Riley at the beginning of the episode.) (Willow goes to the sink, turns on the water, splashes it on her face. She straightens up, drying her face with a towel. She hears a gurgling noise and turns around. Frowns, walks over to the bathtub. Dripping noises. Willow pulls back the shower curtain and finds a young boy in the bathtub, under water, arms crossed over his chest, struggling. She reaches down to grab him but he disappears and there's just a tub full of water.) (Willow straightens up, turns around. The boy is standing behind her, dripping wet, arms still crossed over his chest. She screams.) (Cut to Buffy and Riley in bed, kissing. Buffy's on top. They hear the scream and stop kissing, look toward the door.) RILEY: (panting) Was that Willow? BUFFY: (panting) I don't know. (Looks at him.) Doesn't matter. (They resume smooching) (Cut to Spin The Bottle game. Two people kiss while the others cheer. Xander enters.) XANDER: Hey guys, that girl Julie, she's freakin' out. (They ignore him, still playing the game.) Is anyone friends with Julie? (Laughter, ignoring him.) (Cut to Willow coming down the stairs.) WILLOW: Xander? Tara? (Runs through the house. Finds Xander staring at the Spin The Bottle people.) WILLOW: Xander. Ghost boy. Drowning in a tub. I, I tried to save him, but, being a ghost already, well, I was way too late. XANDER: A ghost? (Willow nods) What's the deal? Is every frat on this campus haunted? And if so, why do people keep coming to these parties, cause it's not the snacks. (Tara walks up, touches Willow's arm.) WILLOW: Tara, how are you? TARA: I'm okay, but ... I, I don't like it here. This house ... I, I think we should go. (Willow nods.) (Xander looks over as there's more laughter from the bottle game.) (Closeup on the bottle spinning. Instead of slowing down it gets faster and faster. The players look puzzled. Suddenly the bottle explodes. People yell as broken glass sprays at them.) WILLOW: We need Buffy. (She and Xander run off. Tara follows.) (They run upstairs.) XANDER: (yells) Buffy? WILLOW: (yells) Buffy? Riley? (They pound on the door. No answer.) (Suddenly, sharp-looking spiny thorns, with green leaves, sprout from the cracks around the edges of the door. Willow and Xander jump back.) XANDER: Buffy! (Long shot of Buffy and Riley in bed, smooching and writhing. We hear panting and moaning, which echoes, and faintly we can hear Xander still pounding and yelling Buffy's name. The bed recedes until it's just a small square in the middle of the screen, with blackness all around.) Commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] (Long shot of the bed as a tiny square in the middle of a black screen.) RILEY: Do you wanna go back? BUFFY: Never. (Cut to Xander still pounding on the door.) WILLOW: Buffy! Riley! XANDER: Buffy! (Tara turns and looks behind them) XANDER: We gotta get them outta there. (Tara starts to walk away while Willow and Xander stare at the writhing thorns still growing from under the door.) (Tara walks to the balcony and looks down on the main floor. The people are looking around as the building starts to shake. People scream and run around. Glass rattling, everything shaking. The people scream and run toward the door. Suddenly there's a strong tremor and everyone falls onto the floor including Tara, Willow and Xander. People get up and run around.) (Shot of Spike sitting calmly in his chair as people run around panicking. Spike smiles.) SPIKE: Well, this party's starting to liven up after all. (Suddenly straps shoot out of the chair he's sitting in, wrapping around his chest, wrists, legs, and one over his mouth. He drops his plastic cup of beer.) SPIKE: Mmph! (Shot of Graham standing still, looking grim, as people run screaming past him. Forrest runs toward him, against the flow of people.) FORREST: Graham, quit standing around! Help get these people to safety! GRAHAM: Touch not the impure thing... FORREST: What?! GRAHAM: Or ye shall perish. Find salvation in the cross of our lord and savior. FORREST: Right. (He goes to the wall and flips a switch. Grabs Graham and turns him to face the wall as the green scanner light travels across their faces.) COMPUTER VOICE: Retinal scan accepted. (Elevator opens. Forrest gets in, looks back at Graham, who just stands there. Forrest grabs him and pulls him into the elevator. The door closes.) (The building is still shaking. People running and screaming. Shot of Anya in the midst of them. The shaking stops. Anya looks around, panting. Suddenly she sees a girl screaming and waving her arms, running toward her. The girl runs right to Anya and through her. Anya gasps and puts her hands on her stomach. Looks behind her but the girl has disappeared. Anya looks around. The shaking begins again.) (Cut to the bottom of the stairs. Willow, Xander and Tara coming down. Anya runs over to them.) XANDER: Anya. We gotta get out of here. Come on! (Books start flying off the shelves and attacking them. They all duck and run away.) (Shot of Spike struggling, managing to pull the restraints off himself. Jumps out of the chair and runs off.) (The gang and a few others running toward the door and out. Xander looks back and sees Julie, bald, staggering toward him.) JULIE: Please help me. (Xander runs over and grabs her, helps her toward the door. There are patchy clumps of hair still on her head but she's mostly bald.) (Cut to the Initiative labs: people working on computers. Forrest and Graham enter. They go over to a scientist who's on the phone.) FORREST: We got trouble upstairs. (Scientist motions them to wait.) SCIENTIST: (into phone) Now. (Hangs up, starts to walk away. Forrest and Graham follow.) FORREST: Some sort of disembodied presence in the house. SCIENTIST: We've been paging you. FORREST: Whatever this thing's outputting, it must be scrambling all the frequencies. SCIENTIST: Guard section 2, level 5 precautions. If the cell door locking mechanisms malfunction ... you know what to do. FORREST: Got it. (Scientist walks off. Forrest looks at Graham.) FORREST: You with me? GRAHAM: I'm good. FORREST: Let's lock it down. (They walk off.) (Cut to exterior of Lowell House. Xander helps Julie out. Tara, Willow, Spike, and Anya are there. Julie immediately runs off. Spike takes out a cigarette and lights it.) WILLOW: We have to go back in there. ANYA: Why? XANDER: Because Buffy and Riley are trapped. ANYA: So? (Willow and Tara look surprised) She's the Slayer, he's a big soldier boy, what do they need you for? XANDER: Anya, look around! There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair... We're fresh out of superpeople, and somebody's gotta go back in there. (Deep breath) Now who's with me? (Willow and Tara hesitate.) SPIKE: I am. (Everyone looks at Spike in surprise.) SPIKE: I know I'm not the first choice for heroics ... (drops his cigarette and grinds it out with his foot) and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And, I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But... (pauses) Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. (Frowns, shakes his head and walks away.) I wonder if Danger Mouse is on. ANYA: Xander, let's get out of here. XANDER: You wanna bail, fine. (Points into house) I'm going back in there, and I'm not coming out till I bring my friend with me. (He walks to the door, opens it, peeks inside. Takes a few steps in, then something invisible pushes him out. He flies backward and lands several yards down the path. Groans and makes a pained face. Shot of Anya looking upset.) XANDER: Or ... it ... could be Watcher time. WILLOW: We'll, we'll go to Giles'. TARA: No, no, wait, he, he isn't there. He was going to the Espresso Pump. WILLOW: Right, he-he told us not to come. He, he needed some grownup time. (They hurry off.) (Cut to Giles in the coffee bar, playing a guitar. He's wearing casual clothes and has an earring in his left ear. Lots of people are sitting and watching/listening.) GILES: (sings) No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes No one knows what it's like To be hated... (Shot of Anya, Willow, Xander and Tara watching, amazed. Willow's and Anya's mouths hanging open.) ANYA: Oh. WILLOW: Wow. GILES: (sings) To be fated... XANDER: Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Cause, this is creeping me out. TARA: Does he do this a lot? XANDER: Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange. GILES: (sings) But my dreams, they are as empty, as my conscience... (Notices the kids watching, looks embarrassed but keeps singing) seems to be... (Willow smiles.) GILES: (sings) I have hours, only lonely... WILLOW: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him. GILES: (sings) ...my love is vengeance[?]... TARA: Well, he *is* pretty good. GILES: (sings) ...that's never free-ee... ANYA: (agreeing) His voice ... is pleasant. (All three girls are riveted.) XANDER: What?! GILES: (sings) No one knows what it's like... [unintelligible] WILLOW: Oh, come on, he is kinda sexy. GILES (sings) Like I do... XANDER: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fueling the fire please. GILES: (sings) And I blame you... (The song trails off as we cut back to Lowell House, now deserted, wreckage everywhere. The camera pans across the room and up the stairs to Riley's door, just like before, only now the vines cover the entire door and much of the ceiling and floor nearby. Muffled howling and screeching noises.) (Cut to Buffy and Riley in bed. They let go of each other and lie side by side, panting.) BUFFY: You're, you're too far away from me. RILEY: I'm right here. BUFFY: (panting) You ... have to ... keep touching me... (Rolls over and starts kissing him again. Moaning, panting) (Cut to the college library. Giles pacing while the others sit at a table.) GILES: When you called to Buffy and Riley, they didn't cry out or, or respond in any way? ANYA: (bored) No. They're probably dead. XANDER: Unless they're too busy doin' it to answer. GILES: Doing what? (Sits at the table across from Xander) XANDER: You know, for a god of acoustic rock, you're ... kind of naive. GILES: (rolls his eyes) I didn't think you meant ... In the midst of all that, do you really think they were keeping it up? (Everyone looks at him.) GILES: Oh, for a different phrasing. WILLOW: Well, see, that's the thing. People all over the party were starting to act ... weird. (Quietly) Sexually. GILES: In what way? WILLOW: You know. (Embarrassed) Ways. (Looking through an old book) GILES: Well, it could be some form of, uh, succubi, or a satyr's prank. It could even be energy coming from the, the lab underneath the Lowell fraternity. WILLOW: It wasn't always a fraternity, look! (They all come to look at her book.) WILLOW: (reading) "Between 1949 and 1960, the Lowell Home for Children housed upwards of 40 adolescents: runaways, juvenile delinquents, and emotionally disturbed teenagers from the Sunnydale area." TARA: Children? Did any of them, um, die in there? GILES: If there were deaths, then, uh, perhaps we're dealing with a fairly ... standard haunting. WILLOW: It doesn't say. It's mostly about the old house director, Genevieve Holt. "Sunnydale Children's Aid. 30 years of community service. Giving disadvantaged kids the love and care they deserve." GILES: When did she die? WILLOW: (looks at book, looks up at Giles) She didn't. (Cut to old lady's house. She opens a pair of French doors and ushers in Giles, Xander, and Anya.) MRS. HOLT: No, no, I don't mind at all. I was up. Early morning prayer. GILES: Of course. MRS. HOLT: And I like talking about my kids. (Sits in chair) (Xander and Anya looking around the room) MRS. HOLT: I still call them that. My kids. GILES: I, I suppose you were like a mother to them. (Sits on sofa) You did everything for them? MRS. HOLT: Oh yes. I fed them clothed them, educated them in the way of the lord. I was given a medal. (Xander and Anya sit on sofa beside Giles) GILES: Yes, wonderful. Uh, congratulations. Um, this'll sound a little strange, but, ah, did you notice any odd... disturbances in the house? MRS. HOLT: (frowns) I don't understand. GILES: We-well, um, like uh, furniture moving of its own accord, or, uh, objects appearing out of nowhere, or, or perhaps you saw someone appear one moment, and then they were gone the next, i-inexplicably. MRS. HOLT: Why, that sounds like crazy talk. GILES: Yes, it does, doesn't it? Yes. Um... (Looks at Xander and Anya) Well, forgive me for, for asking this, but um, the children in your care, were any of them ever ill, or did anything ever happen to any of them? MRS. HOLT: Well, some had the flu and such. No one died, if that's what you mean. The engraving on the medal says how good I was with the children. (Smiles) GILES: (smiles) Oh, yes. MRS. HOLT: I treated them as I would my own flesh and blood. Gave them hugs and praise when they were good, and ... punished them when they were dirty. GILES: Well, ah, children will be children. They, you know, they do like to play in the, uh, the muck. (Smiling) (Mrs. Holt looks disapproving.) ANYA: You didn't mean mud dirty. MRS. HOLT: My kids didn't think I knew, but I did. GILES: (starting to understand) Very, uh, perceptive of you. MRS. HOLT: Without me they would have been shut out of the kingdom. Lost to lust. GILES: But you ... helped them. MRS. HOLT: The girls felt the vanity more than the boys. I'd see them preening like Jezebel. Doting over their pretty hair. XANDER: So you'd hack it off. MRS. HOLT: I'd remove the temptation to admire themselves. (Giles removes his glasses) They were better for it. ANYA: What about the bathtub? Something happened there. MRS. HOLT: I performed baptisms on the most unclean. Those who were tainted with impure thought and deed. GILES: You held them under? MRS. HOLT: They needed to be reborn. (Rises) You choose to pass judgment on me? GILES: (Rises) Well, someone ought to! You traumatized and, (she waves her hand dismissively) and abused these children, children who, who have no doubt become extremely disturbed adults! (She starts to walk away; he pursues her) You have ruined lives, Mrs. Holt. Furthermore, what you did has now manifested itself as a, a malevolent presence which threatens still more lives! You have a great deal to answer for. MRS. HOLT: I refuse to listen to this when I can smell the sin on each and every one of you. (Points to them all) XANDER: Yeah? You smell sin? Well let me tell you something, lady, she who smelt it dealt it! (Giles looks at him.) XANDER: It's like what you said, but faster. (Cut to the three of them leaving her apartment.) XANDER: Well, that totally adds to my "old people are crazy" theorem. ANYA: I don't get it. I mean, those kids were tortured, but they weren't killed, so where are those ghosts coming from? GILES: I don't believe there are any ghosts. ANYA: One ran right through me. GILES: Not a ghost. An apparition. I believe we're dealing with a kind of poltergeist. A whole cluster of them, in fact, born out of intense adolescent emotion and sexual energy. ANYA: Both of which were totally pent up during Mrs. Holt's reign of repression. XANDER: So with Buffy and Riley having ... you know, acts of nakedness around the clock lately, maybe they set something free. Like a ... big burstin' poltergasm. GILES: Yes. And now the poltergeists are drawing more and more energy out of them. Feeding on them in fact. Buffy and Riley are, are powering this whole thing. XANDER: Okay, they're the battery in the boo factory, so what happens when the battery's drained? (Cut to Buffy and Riley in bed. Blurry slow-motion kissing.) GILES VOICEOVER: They die. Commercial. (Buffy and Riley in bed. Blurry slow-motion kissing. Panting, moaning. Riley pulls away, lies back.) BUFFY: Don't stop. Never stop touching me. (She turns his face toward her and they kiss again.) (Cut to Tara spreading a red cloth on a table, then sitting in a chair . Willow brings candles and sets them on the table, sits down. We see Giles sitting on the floor. They're in Willow and Buffy's dorm room.) ANYA: What good are weapons against disembodied spirits, Xander? They have no ass to kick. (We see Xander rummaging in Buffy's weapon chest.) GILES: She's right. (Gets up, holding a book) You should just stay outside. WILLOW: We'll bind the spirits long enough for you to get Riley and Buffy out. XANDER: How much time will you buy us? TARA: Could be tricky, we're calling upon the communal spirit of a certain time and place. (Willow lighting candles. Xander takes out weapons, hands one to Anya, holds a machete.) XANDER: Let's go. (Anya looks at the sword he gave her, and follows him.) (Cut to Xander outside the Lowell House. He sighs.) XANDER: What do you feel? ANYA: (pressed against the window) Sad, afraid of being without you, and a little hungry. XANDER: I meant about the house. ANYA: Oh. Still haunted. (Cut to the dorm room.) TARA: Give me your hands. Form a circle. (She and Willow and Giles hold hands, eyes closed.) TARA: Children of the past, spirits of Lowell, be guided by our light. Come forth and be known to us. GILES: Ho-how will we know when it works? (A noise. They all open their eyes and see a bunch of ghostly children standing around them.) TARA: We'll know. (They look around nervously.) (Cut to exterior of house. The door swings open. Xander and Anya look in nervously. Xander steps forward, looks in.) XANDER: House is clean. ANYA: Let's go. You first. (Xander takes a breath, walks in. Anya follows. They look up. The entire staircase is covered in the leafy, spiny vines.) XANDER: We need to work fast. Never know how long before the munchkins get homesick. ANYA: Or the human battery conks out. (They start walking up the stairs, through the vines.) XANDER: Watch your fingers. (He starts hacking at the vines with his machete.) TARA: We implore you ... be still. (Ghost children watching silently) GILES: Find it in your hearts to leave our friends passage. WILLOW: Transform your pain. Release your past. And ... uh ... get over it. (Giles looks at her, nervous. Willow shrugs.) (Cut back to Lowell House. Xander is ahead of Anya, hacking at vines.) XANDER: You okay? (Anya looks angry, hacking at a vine.) (Xander makes it to Riley's door, tries to reach for the knob. A sudden wind comes up.) (Cut to dorm room. The wind blows Willow's hair around. The children look up. Their hair is blowing too. The wind howls loudly. Screeching noises.) TARA: (yelling) Find here the serenity you seek, the peace you - (The red-covered table flies out from under their hands and crashes against the door. The wind stops. They look around.) GILES: What's happened? TARA: We lost them. WILLOW: Xander. (Cut to Lowell House. The howling and wind continue. Xander is suddenly thrown back from the door, landing on his back.) ANYA: Xander! (The vines grab Xander, throw him into the bathroom and shut the door.) ANYA: Xander! (Runs to the door and grabs the knob. She is thrown back, through the balcony railing and down to the floor below. Lands half on the floor, half on a sofa.) (Cut to Xander in the bathtub, being held underwater by unseen hands, struggling. Through the water he can see the children standing over him, watching. He can't breathe.) (Cut to Anya getting painfully to her feet, looking determined. Starts up the stairs. Howling and screeching noises continue.) ANYA: Shut up, repressed crybabies! (A huge thorn suddenly sprouts from the vine her hand is resting on. The thorn goes right through the middle of her hand. She screams.) ANYA: Ow! (Pulls the thorn out, looking even madder. Continues up the stairs.) (Cut to Xander still struggling. Through the water he sees Anya reaching for him. She pulls him out of the water and helps him up.) (They burst out of the bathroom into the hall. There are more vines everywhere.) XANDER: Come on, we just gotta- (A vine knocks him down.) ANYA: Xander! (Anya helps him up and they continue fighting their way through the vines.) ANYA: We can make it through this. (The push on cautiously. A bunch of vines wrap around Anya.) ANYA: Xander, get it off! (He unwraps her. They clutch each other, make their way to the door. Twist the knob and push the door open.) (Shot of the bed seen from far away, as before, suddenly rushing closer and closer.) (The howling noises stop.) (Shot of Xander and Anya framed in the doorway.) (Buffy and Riley in bed, naked. The light from the doorway illuminates them. They sit up, clutching the sheets against themselves.) BUFFY: Xander! Don't you knock? (Shot of Xander and Anya looking disheveled. They look at each other, turn and walk away.) RILEY VOICEOVER: I can't believe it really happened. (Cut to cafeteria the next day.) BUFFY: I just had no idea. It's so creepy! (Looks up at the others) He was really singing? (Willow nods.) XANDER: I'd say it was more like crooning. (To Anya) If we grow old together, remind me to skip the midlife crisis. (Puts his hand on her knee.) ANYA: (smiling, softly) Okay. (They look affectionately at each other.) WILLOW: Come on, you have to admit, it was kinda sexy. XANDER: Please stop saying that. I'm willing to offer cash incentives. RILEY: We're just lucky no one got injured. (Looking at Buffy) No thanks to us. WILLOW: Don't be too hard on yourself. BUFFY: He's right, Will. If Riley and I hadn't ... gotten so wrapped up in each other, none of this would've happened. ANYA: True. Feel shame. (Riley looks like he is doing just that.) XANDER: My girlfriend. Mistress of the learning plateau. WILLOW: Really, it wasn't your fault. You were under the influence of powerful magicks. BUFFY: We were like zombies. I had no control over myself at all. WILLOW: Must have been horrible. (Buffy looks sidelong at Riley.) (Riley looks at her, looks down.) BUFFY: Yeah. Horrible. (They both nod firmly.) RILEY: Uh-huh. BUFFY: Mm-hmm. RILEY: It was bad.

Plan: A: Buffy; Q: Who is held hostage with Riley? A: Riley; Q: Who helps Buffy rouse a supernatural force at the fraternity party house? A: a Christian fundamentalist; Q: Who abused the ghost children? A: Kathryn Joosten; Q: Who played the Christian fundamentalist? A: revenge; Q: What do the ghost children want? A: Giles; Q: Who helps Willow and Tara perform a spell to stop the spirits? Summary: When Buffy and Riley rouse a supernatural force at the fraternity party house, they are held hostage by ghost children who were abused by a Christian fundamentalist ( Kathryn Joosten ) and now seek revenge. Willow, Tara, and Giles perform a spell to stop the spirits.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Mercy: Witch! Emily: No woman in Salem has ever had that kind of power. Dollie: Not even Mary Sibley. Tituba: The lady of the house is mine. Increase: We've uncovered a witch. Mary: How long may we enjoy your curative presence in town? Increase: Until every last Devil's whore of a witch in Salem is dead. Tituba: Petrus' physic will last but a day, and then Mr. Sibley will awake, lucid and eager. Mary: To tell Increase everything. [Rooster crows] [Thud] Henry: [Gasps] Increase: Choose one. Drink. Drink and... Enjoy. Only mere mortals are vulnerable to man-made spirits. As a man, you are an abomination, but you are no witch. Now begone with you and your... Pitiful weakness. Time to wake, my good madam. [Clanks] Let them no more say, "God must do all," and so encourage themselves to live in a careless neglect of God and of their own souls and salvation! The Devil has made a dreadful knot of witches in the country, and, by the help of witches, has dreadfully Increased that knot. Oh, children, children, be afraid and go not prayerless to your bed lest the Devil be your bedfellow. [Rope creaks] [All gasp] ["Cupid carries a gun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ The witch drums ♪ ♪ Better pray for hell ♪ ♪ Not hallelujah ♪ [Indistinct conversations] Mary: Good morning, Reverend. Increase: Ah. Mrs. Sibley. [Chuckles] Join me. Mary: There are no words to encompass my overwhelming gratitude at your reclamation of my husband. When I think what might have transpired had you not been there Increase: Indeed? Exactly what might have transpired? Mary: Excuse me? Increase: Well... Would not your slave girl simply have taken him on to hospital? Mary: Yes. Increase: Yes, it was you who sent her to his rescue, was it not? Mary: Once I'd heard of the accident. Increase: Ah. I am perplexed, though. Tell me, why was George scurried off with such haste and secrecy? Mary: He goes often to Boston. His illness... Increase: He's not ill. He's spelled. Mary: No. That's impossible. Increase: Consider... has not George suffered this mysterious malady without explication for several years now, and have not the doctors expressed utter befuddlement as to its cause? Mary: Yes, but... Increase: Yes. In such cases, the answer is oft the simplest one. George is not ill. He is under the influence of the Devil's darkest tool... a witch's spell. And it is quite likely that this speller resides close at hearth. Mary: No. Increase: Perhaps even in the hallowed halls of your own home. Mary: Say it. Increase: Say what? Mary: The accusation. It dances on your tongue. Increase: Well, I assure you, you are mistaken. Hm. Mary: Then I wish to bring my husband home immediately. Increase: I think not, Mrs. Sibley. Mary: You would deny me that right? Increase: I must deny you that right until we can discover the origin of the spell. Hmm? Mary: Then I would ask, or, rather, insist, that someone attend to Mr. Sibley. Someone who has experience with his travails. Increase: What about that young man... the one who was to take him to Boston, huh? Mary: Isaac? Increase: Ah. Mary: Isaac will do. He sleeps still? Increase: Under the care of sentries. Oh, and, Mary. Be of good heart. Mr. lamb, the barkeep, tells me that he may wake at any moment. John: Cotton. Cotton. Cotton: [Sighs] No difference between me and those that already rest. Besides a still-beating heart in a shell where my soul no longer resides. John: Oh, boy. [Sighs] Anne: Good morning, Reverend. I Wonder... what would it take to get you to your feet? Cotton: Why would you wish to? Anne: I fear I may have... Judged you too harshly, Reverend Mather. It is only now, when leaving my childhood behind, that I realize we are, past and forever, our fathers' children. And we can no more control who they be and how they came to form us then we can the rise and setting of the sun. I am sorry about your girl. Cotton: Thank you. Anne: May we see you home? John: Come on. Anne: Once he's settled, captain, may I ask a favor of you? John: Surely. Mary: "I think not, Mrs. Sibley." [Scoffs] As if he were socrates and I, a student at his knee. Mercy: Let me kill him, please. Mary: No. Mercy: Let me ease this burden for you, as I've done the others. Mary: Increase Mather is known throughout the world, new and old. His disappearance or death will not be taken lightly. His head will sit on no man's platter. Mercy: He's no match for you, certainly. Mary: That is where you are wrong, child. This is our truest test To battle equals. Rev. Lewis: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Reverend. Rev. Lewis: Mercy. Mercy: Father. Rev. Lewis: I wonder if I might have a private word with my daughter. Mary: I think not, Reverend. Mercy: I... -Mary: Fetch me Isaac. Now. Rev. Lewis: I am, um... Astounded at the charity you've shown my child, but if I wish to see her, is that not a father's right? Mary: Why, in particular, do you wish to see her, Reverend? Were you perhaps considering another exorcism? Do your days grow dull, lacking a child to beat and torture and the nights far too lonely with no daughter to visit? Rev. Lewis: I would never... Mary: Mercy is mine. Return here again and these accusations will be made public. Tituba: What of master Sibley? Has he woken? The elders will wait no longer. They require an audience with you today. Mary: [Screaming] Tituba: Has he woken? Mary: Any moment now. Isaac: It were an accident, ma'am. A wayward timber in the path, and we found ourselves at sixes and sevens. Mary: It's okay, Isaac. I know you've done your best. Isaac: The Reverend summons me now, heaven knows why, but I fear each second he's made to wait... Mary: He will ask you to watch over Mr. Sibley. Isaac: He will? Mary: At my grave insistence, since he refuses my desire to bring my husband home to proper care. Isaac: He refuses you? Mary: Salem reels out of control like an unwieldy spin top at the whim of Increase Mather. A tonic... the pain and ease of sleep. Isaac, I beseech you, in this most private and important matter, do my bidding where I cannot. Isaac: Oh, uh... Mary: Dose him immediately and keep him so. George should not be made to suffer for Mather senior's unfounded suspicions. Isaac: H-he shall not. Mary: And Isaac... Between us. Like so many of Salem's secrets. Isaac: Between us. George: [Snores] Increase: Are you aware, son? Your story is known far and wide throughout the land. Isaac the fornicator. No, no, no. Do not bow your head in shame. Head up. Get your head up. Head up. Head up. The story of Isaac the fornicator is a holy one. It is used as a living precedent by we puritans to illustrate to the children the evils of lust. No, no. Your sin and your suffering... it has been transformed into a great and a holy blessing. For, my son... You felt the hand of God. He's touched you. He's working through you. He's chosen you. No. How many can say that they have been chosen by God? Isaac: Chosen for what? Increase: Son, have you ever imagined a world beyond Salem? Hmm? Isaac: I... Increase: Get your head up, your head up, your head up, your head up. Isaac: I have a good life here, sir. Increase: Yes, performing meager errands for Mrs. Sibley. Isaac: She's been good to me. Always. Increase: Her charity binds you to her bidding. [Clicks tongue] No. No, no, no, Isaac. Out there. Out there, boy! There's a vast world out there, full of... full of opportunities, and if you... if you would walk the straight road in the sunlight with your head up, I would take you with me to see it. I would. Would you like that? Isaac: What would I have to do? Increase: Well... You will have to... have to tend to Mr. Sibley there. You'll have to... George: [Snores] Increase: Make certain that he is fresh and tidy, and that is no easy task, hmm? [Chuckles] Most importantly, you must alert me the moment that he wakes. Yes. Can you do that, hmm? Isaac: Do you mind me asking, sir, what these are for? Increase: Protection for Mr. Sibley against... Outer forces. It's cremated ash... Isaac: [Chuckles] Increase: Of a 200-year-old witch. And, Isaac... I burned her myself. Anne: So, the roof needs patching there and there, a fresh coat of paint wouldn't hurt, nor would four or five more beds for the smaller children, and... I'm overwhelming you. John: No, no. I'm eager to put my energies to good. Anne: Exactly. The children are frightened, Captain. Another hung today and not an inkling who's to be next. They're unsure who to fear more... witches or those who pursue them. John: Well, who can blame them? He doesn't play with the others. The dark-haired boy. Anne: He's been here two years. His parents were murdered by Indians. They say he saw. No one knows how he survived. John: Has anyone asked? Anne: He doesn't talk. At least, not anymore. Not since... Then. John: Excuse me. Do you know anything about patching a roof? Mercy: Mrs. Sibley? Tituba: The mistress is out. Mercy: Oh. Tituba: Anything needed to be said to her can be said to me. Mercy: Oh, that's beautiful! Tituba: My familiar. Mercy: Familiar? Tituba: A gift from the Devil to do my bidding, my spiritual companion. This is how she feeds. Mercy: [Chuckles] Will I get a familiar? Tituba: In time. Mercy: How do I choose? Tituba: You don't. It chooses you. [Bell chiming] Together: Good day, Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Girls. Dollie: We're off to meet Mercy in the graveyard. Mary: Well. On your way, then. [Bubbling] We all grieve the loss of our sister. Mary: I do not argue this. But beg remembrance that I was given little choice. The malum... [Both gasp] Without which our grand rite would not be possible. Rose brought it here, this instrument of death, without my knowledge, to challenge and defeat me. [Cauldron sizzles, bubbles] It is for you, retrieved at great cost, relinquished with love and ardor for our cause. I leave you now with the only tool that exists on earth to control me. [SCENE_BREAK] John: The trick to making shakes is to split them... not chopped or sawed, but to split. Thank you. [Tapping] Your turn. Right! Well done. [Chuckles] Mary: Captain. John: Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Young man. John: Why don't you go see if there's any fresh water. Big doings this morning. Mary: Seems every day brings its fair share of surprises. John: I heard old Increase took possession of your husband. Mary: Yes, he did. And I'm eager to get him back. John: You are? Why? Mary: Is it so unusual, Captain, for a wife to want her husband at home? John: In most cases, it's not unusual at all. Anne: I heard my hard worker was thirsty. Oh, Mrs. Sibley. Uh, fresh apple water on offer. Mary: No, thank you, Anne. Good day, Captain. Young man. Anne: Captain. [Door opens] Cotton: May I? Cotton: Sir. Man: Good morrow. Increase: If you're going to capitulate to your weakness, must it be on constant public display? Cotton: Shall I leave public display to you, father? Shall we abolish the noose so that you may break necks with your own two hands? Increase: She was dead. The whore runner killed herself. Cotton: She was already dead, and yet you hung her. Increase: I said she would hang. And hang she did. We are nothing if we do not keep our word, a principle which seems to mean very little to you, I fear. Cotton: Must you hate me so? Increase: Oh, Cotton. Your mother was a Cotton, as you know. And my stepsister. Our marriage was a historical inevitability. The cottons and the Mathers... who could resist such a... such a joining of... of power and prestige? Cotton: Certainly not you. Increase: She was a good woman, and she was a fit enough mother, but... I didn't love her. I didn't love. And then you were born. [Chuckles] And there you were, a... Squalling mess of limbs and of hair, and... You weren't much. But you were enough to show me love. Cotton: [Sniffs] What utter irony that you would then take the self-same thing from me. [Clattering] Henry: Ah! Lamb: You are cut off, sir! Henry: [Slurring] No. I have money! I will drink muchly and often! Lamb: You will not. Now be on your way. Henry: I think not. Lamb: Oh, no, no. Whoa. Go! Henry: [Shouting indistinctly] Increase: The wine is from God. The drunkard is from the Devil. Pull yourself together. There's much work to be done. Mercy: Let me kill him. Mary: I have told you. We cannot kill Increase. Mercy: Not silly old Increase. Mr. Sibley. Tituba: This is what you teach her? For any problem, murder is the first course of action? Mary: We cannot kill George. Mercy: Why not? You are so powerful You alone. You do not need him. Mary: [Chuckles] That is where you are wrong, my dear. We need him desperately. Without George, it all goes away. I am a widow with nothing... no business to run, no voice with the selectmen. With him alive, I can speak through him... a puppet to parrot his wishes and thoughts. But dead, he is useless and I am without power. Mercy: But how will you stop him from speaking? Mary: I will enter his mind and destroy it from within. His body will live on, but his mind will be gone. Mercy: How will you do that? Tituba: Quiet girl! That is enough questions. Mercy: Don't you tell me to be quiet. Tituba: Quiet. Mary: Enough! Both of you, leave me now. Tituba: But I can help you. Mary: Get out! Mercy: Let go of me! Tituba: Shh! Mercy: Let go! Tituba: You know who we could kill? You. Mercy: You can't. She would never let you. Tituba: Maybe, maybe not. You don't want to find out. Mercy: You're jealous and spiteful and awful. Tituba: Years... I have waited many, many years. Stay out of my way, you little bitch. Mercy: [Breathing heavily] Isaac: Mrs. Sibley's only ever had your best interest at heart. Yet still... Your moment's worst desperation, it was not her name you uttered for rescue but that of the Reverend Mather senior. What do I, who have known only violence and malice from your eager hands, care a whit about your rosy outlook? [SCENE_BREAK] George: [Gagging] [Gulps] Mary. Mary. Free of your precious familiar, I finally got hold of my dreams back. Mary: Hmm. A beatific choice for such a dark and twisted mind. George: [Chuckles] You remember coming here? Mary: Yes. A picnic. George: [Chuckles] Mary: The one and only day I almost didn't despise you. George: You never gave me a chance. Your mind was long made up. Mary: [Chuckles] Can you blame me? You stole my life. George: And now you've stolen mine. Mary: We are close. So very close. The grand rite is almost complete. George: And then what? Another kingdom for you to rule? Mary: Yes. A world in which I no longer need you. A blessed world in which you can finally die. George: Peril and threats. Mary: Many a union has relied on less. [Chuckles] Don't look so worried, George. We're a little ways off yet. For now, I just need you quiet, sleeping like an angel in your dirty bibs and nappies. Farewell, George. George: You bitch! You bitch! Mary: [Gasps] Oh, that b*st*rd. Tituba: Sibley? Mary: Increase Mather. He was there. Protecting George. Guarding his mind even in sleep. Tituba: We have another problem. We must do something about the girl. Mary: [Sighs] Mercy. Tituba: She is... Unreliable. It is only a matter of time before we can no longer control her. Mary: At a time such as this when I am nearer to discovery and annihilation than ever before, you would distract yourself with petty jealousy and spiteful accusations. Tituba: I am trying to make... Mary: Never have I needed you more. And never have you disappointed me so gravely. Tituba: I would do anything for you. I love you. Mary: Oh, and I wish to God you didn't. Love me less and you will love me better. Find a way to get to George. John: Tomorrow, we'll work on the paint. That is, if you're still available, of course. Excellent. Excellent, son. Stephen: Stephen. John: Stephen. Henry: You've seen my daughter. John: You can move along. There's kids here. Henry: I'm looking for a kid... my kid. John: And I said, "move along." Anne: Mr. Hopkins. How can we help you? Henry: My daughter came to stay here after when I was in jail? Anne: Emily? No, Mr. Hopkins. She did not. Henry: Have you seen her around? Anne: No, sir. I haven't. Henry: Oh. You tell her I'm looking for her. You tell her she needs to come home. Anne: Yes, Mr. Hopkins. I'll do that. Dollie: Lizzy... Did you bring the chicken feathers and the dried horse dung? Elizabeth: I brung the feathers, but the dung weren't dry. Dollie: And what about the mice? Emily: They scattered when the cat come to the trap. Dollie: Mercy is to be here any minute. Must I do everything myself? Anne: Miss Hopkins, may I have a word? Your father has been freed. Emily: I see. Anne: And he's been looking for you, asks that you come home immediately. Mercy: Miss Hale. Can we help you? Anne: I've only come to tell Miss Hopkins that her father has been freed. Mercy: How kind. Anne: And that he seemed... Quite inebriated and not himself, and that perhaps she oughtn't to go home tonight. Perhaps she ought to stay in the orphanage where she'd be safe. Mercy: She is safe. With us. Anne: Is she? Mercy: Would you care to stay and... See for yourself... Anne? Anne: Not tonight. [Door opens] Increase: Stop. What is that? Isaac: A tonic. For pain. Increase: Where did you get it? Isaac: Mr. lamb gave it to me while you were out. Increase: No. Isaac: No? Increase: [Clicks tongue] Young man... [Door closes] Young man, I offered you an opportunity, did I not? Do you remember? The world... the vast world, the sunlight. I somehow suspected you would find a way to undermine yourself. But I did... I hoped against hope that you wouldn't, but you did. Because not only are you a cretin, you're a failure. You're a cretinous failure, and like all failures, you say to yourself, "but I never get the chance! I never get the opportunity," but it just ain't so, is it? No. And like every failure, what do you do? You just piss in the well of possibility. And now you are going to tell me who gave you the potion. Dollie: Stiff as a stick, cold as a marble. Elizabeth: Light as a spirit, lift yourself. Woman: Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Woman 2: Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Woman 3: Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Woman: Master spider, stilted or stifled... All: Spin us a web and heed our call. Master spider, stilted or stifled, spin us a web and heed our call. Master spider, stilted or stifled... Increase: Who gave it you? Isaac: [Whimpers] Increase: Hmm? Who gave it you? [Slap] Head up. Head up. Isaac: It's not a potion. Increase: It's not a potion? Isaac: It's not a po... [crying] Increase: Look at me, boy. Isaac: It's... it's medicine. Increase: One more time. Isaac: [Grunts] Increase: I'm going to ask you, who gave it to you? All: Master spider, stilted or stifled, spin us a web and heed our call. Master spider, stilted or stifled... Increase: What we'll do is this... Isaac: It's medicine. Increase: Shh, shh. I'm going to slit your belly open. Isaac: [Crying] It's medicine. Increase: I'm going to reach in, pull out, and I'm going to throttle you with your own intestines. All: Heed our call. Master spider, stilted or stifled, spin us a web and heed our call. Master spider, stilted or stifled... Isaac: No. No. No. Increase: Now, you tell me right now, who gave it to you?! Tell me, Isaac! Tell me! Isaac: Mrs. Sibley could bring no harm to a living thing. If... if she provided me the medicine, that's good enough for me. Increase: Mrs. Sibley, eh? [Sighs] Well done. Off with you now. Isaac: [Whimpering] Increase: Go. Go on! Out of my sight! Isaac the fornicator! George: [Gagging] Increase: George. George: [Coughing] Increase: George! George: [Gasping] Increase: George! Henry: Hey. Emily: Hello, father. Henry: Told you I'd get out. Emily: Yes, you did. Henry: I told you this weren't over. You'll be sold still, if the whores will have you. Emily: I'm not going anywhere. Henry: You will. You will go where I tell you! Emily: I won't. [Crying] I won't. I... [crying] Please! [Blows landing, Emily screaming] Dollie: Henry Hopkins. Henry: What is this? Hey! [All shouting] Aah! Emily: [Giggles] John: Stephen. That's his name, the boy. Anne: He told you? John: Yep. Anne: [Laughs] Two years without speaking, and in one day, he tells you his name. He must have really taken to you, Captain. John: No, I wouldn't say that. Anne: And who could blame him? John: Boys need attention and hard work to burn off their energy. Anne: And I'm grateful... For your hard work. John: It's the first hours passed since I've come back where I haven't thought about witches. Anne: [Chuckles] I supposed one could choose that life... honest work, community, a loving family, and not a witch in sight. [Chuckles] Maybe there's hope for us yet. Increase: You! Alert the selectmen. Another witch has been revealed. Follow me. John: Or maybe not. Increase: Mary Sibley! Your husband is awake. [Door opens] Mary: George is awake? Has he spoken? Increase: He is rendered incapable of speech. Nevertheless, the name of his tormentor has been divulged. Mary: What does that mean... "rendered unable to speak"? Increase: Do you recognize this potion? Mary: Yes. It's a physic for pain. I gave it to Isaac to give to Mr. Sibley. Increase: A physic for pain? Tell me, would a physic for pain seal Mr. Sibley's mouth shut... With a golden web? Mary: A tonic for pain. Nothing more. Cotton: Might I suggest, father, that Mrs. Sibley's tonic is just that, and the work of the web is due, more likely, to the real witch's spider familiar. Increase: Yes. It's a possibility. Search the house. Mercy: Wait! I'm sorry, sir. Did you say a spider? Cotton: The Lewis child, once tortured and possessed by witches. Increase: Yet now she looks remarkably well. Mercy: All due to Mrs. Sibley's kindness. She saved my life. I was tortured and tormented, at the verge of begging for death, and Mary Sibley delivered me from evil. Which is why I hesitate to say... Increase: What is it you have to say, girl? Mercy: The other morning, when Mrs. Sibley was out on shipping business... Increase: Yes? Mercy: I did pass Tituba's room, and she was doing the strangest thing. Cotton: Tell us, Mercy. Tell us what you saw. Mercy: She held a spider to her neck. Cotton: Yes? Yes? Mercy: She seemed to feed it. [All gasp] Increase: You. Come here. [Crowd chattering] I hereby arrest you... On the charge of witchcraft. [Crowd gasps] Guards. Man: Yes, sir. Man 2: Aye, sir. Man: Come with us.

Plan: A: order; Q: What word is missing from this sentence? Mary must act quickly in ______ to prevent Increase from undoing the spell placed on her husband. A: the greater cause; Q: What do Mercy and her followers prove themselves useful to? A: Cotton mourns; Q: Who mourns over the banishment of Gloriana? Summary: Mary must act quickly in order to prevent Increase from undoing the spell placed on her husband. Mercy and her followers prove themselves useful to the greater cause, and Cotton mourns over the banishment of Gloriana.

Glenn: Who am I? "Me Glenn." What? [ Groans ] Ow! [ Cries ] [ All screaming ] [ Indistinct shouting ] Valerie: Hey! You with the hat! Help us! Catch! Blake: No! Valerie: Hyah! [ Mid-tempo music plays ] Sy: Doctors, as you know, a new tattoo parlor has opened across the street. Glenn: Yeah, kids are getting tatted up like prisoners. Lola: Or top chefs, especially season 9. Sy: They're giving their first-time customers kiddie tattoo kits. Parents are outraged. We're gonna fight back. Laser tattoo removal. The more that these kids make wrong life choices, the more we help them right those wrongs-- well, for a small fee. So, it's really a lose/win/win. Carry on. Glenn: What's up? I asked for the name of my band, "Blackout," but they put the word "pancakes" instead. Lola: Well, I've never heard of blackout, and I love pancakes, so... [ coughs ] Lola: Uh, are you taking any medications? I...Don't know. Lola: Are you allergic to anything? I don't remember. Lola: Okay, come on, Preston. I don't have time for you to be a douche. Glenn: Wait a second. Isn't 11 years old too young to be douchey? I'd like to order a brain scan. And some pancakes. Blake: Hello, val. Or should I say, "Que pasa"? Valerie: No, I'm not. Blake: Damn it! Valerie: Blake, if I ever go out with you, please lock me up, because it means that I have lost my mind. Blake: I hope you do lose your mind someday, val. And I will be there, and I will not lock you up, unless that's what crazy val likes. Where you going? Glenn: Check this out. This is a normal brain scan. And this is Preston's. Green means good, red means bad. This scan is textbook. Lola: [ Muffled ] Amnesia! Son of a bitch, the kid's got amnesia. Glenn: Come on. Did you take his blood pressure? I don't remember. Glenn: Wait a second. Nurse Dori, what's your name? I'm guessing from the context of your question, it's "Nurse Dori," but I don't remember. [ Coughs ] Lola: It's gone airborne. Glenn: Nurse Dori, Preston, you stay here. Do not leave this room, okay? This room is quarantined. And I got your pancakes. Wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, no! [ Air hissing ] [ Both coughing ] Owen: Blood pressure looks good. Let's begin. [ Coughing ] Owen: Scalpel. Scalpel? [ Coughs ] Chief: Scalpel? Owen: Did I say that? Chief: Yes. Owen: Wait, what are we doing here? Is this -- is this a restaurant? Chief: Oh, my God. I'm not eating this! Owen: Oh! Chief: This steak is completely raw. What kind of sick, twisted restaurant is this? Owen: We are gonna destroy them on yelp! Lola: Sy, we're dealing with airborne amnesia here. Glenn: We could have a hospital pandemic on our hands. Sy: Let's stay calm. We need a plan. We're gonna put the hospital on lockdown. I think you two can be in charge of that. Glenn: Right. Lola: Okay. Sy: I, on the other hand, am gonna make sure that my panic room... [ beeping ] ...is secure, sterile, and fully stocked. Everything is good on my end. I feel like you two are dragging on your end. Stick to the plan. Lola: Glenn, what if we get airborne amnesia? Glenn: I have an idea. Blake: [ Breathing deeply ] So do I have an idea. Where is val? Valerie: [ Coughs ] Blake: Uh, hey. Uh, hey, val. How's your mind feel today? Valerie: You know who I am? Blake: Yes, I'm a doctor. Dr. Blake downs. Valerie: Oh, doctor! Why didn't you say so? Blake: I just did say so. Valerie: I love doctors. Blake: I'm one. Owen: What if we are the last two people on earth? Chief: Were we preparing to eat this person to survive? I'm gonna write God such a letter. Owen: Babe, we don't have time for letters right now. We need nourishment. Pass me the salt. Chief: I can't eat a kid. Owen: Now, you listen to me. I would want you to eat me, if it meant surviving. Plus, it'd be kind of cool to come out of you as poo. Chief: Wait! But what if I'm a vegan? Owen: Damn it! [ Sobs ] If we're not gonna eat this person, then I'm gonna at least put a baby inside of you to help our species survive. Chief: But take it slow because I might be a virgin. Owen: Fingers crossed. Blake: Yup. Textbook amnesia. Thank you, God. Valerie: Am I gonna be okay, Dr. clown? Blake: Yeah, val, you're gonna be fine. And listen, call me Blake, okay? Because, uh...I'm your boyfriend. That's right. And feel free to make love with me at any time. Valerie: Okay. That sounds great. I mean, I don't know a lot about myself, but I do know that I have an insatiable sexual appetite. Blake: [ Laughing ] I do not know how to react to that. [SCENE_BREAK] Glenn: We need these tattoos in case we lose our memories. Lola: [ Groans ] "Me Lola"? Glenn: I don't know. I was just trying to think of the simplest way to identify you. Lola: [ Coughs ] Oh, God. I think I'm getting it, too. Glenn: No! Lola: Oh, I can feel my memories slipping away. Aaaaaand...they're gone. Hi. Are you my waiter? We all have amnesia! Who's in charge here? Valerie: We have amnesia? Blake: Yeah, everybody has amnesia except for me. Clowns can't get amnesia, though we would like to forget Cirque du Soleil. Everyone, to answer your question, I am in charge here. Okay? Because I am the king of this hospital -- King Dr. Blake Downs of Childrens Hospital. Valerie: Oh, the only thing that gets me hotter than a doctor is a doctor who is also a king. We all have amnesia! Who's in charge here?! Blake: [ Groans ] Valerie: We have amnesia? Blake: Yes! Glenn: But we were wearing masks. How could we get the virus? Wait a second. You and that boy with the pancakes tattoo, you both were exposed to this ink. There's got to be a connection. This ink is the source of the virus. Don't worry. Lola, I'll remember who we are, and I promise I'll save us. I'll save us. Owen: Oh! Chief: Whoo! Oh, boy. Whoo! You must have done that before. Owen: Clearly, you have, too. There was some wiggle room up in there. [ Chuckles ] Oh, what's this? Oh, God, wait a second. We're not the last two people on earth. Chief: What? Owen: We're in surgery. We must be surgeons. Chief: I gave you all of me for nothing? b*st*rd! Owen: We don't have time for slapping. I got to take out this kid's gallbladder. Quick, what's a gallbladder? Blake: You, you're in charge of snacks and drinks, so go get me something to eat and something to wash it down with. You, you'll be my lawyer, but a friend, too -- one I can confide in, you know? You, you'll be my bodyguard. Guard my body using your body. [ Growls ] Whoa! Valerie: Such power. Blake: You like that? Valerie: Yeah. Blake: [ Chuckles ] Yeah. Yeah. Glenn: If only there was a way I could make this amnesia virus forget that it was amnesia. Wait, that's it! Give the amnesia...amnesia! [ Chuckles ] It turned green. For all intents and purposes, the color green means "antidote." Blake: Glenn! Glenn: Blake, you recognize me. Great. I found a cure. I need you to help me administer the antidote. Blake: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course. Uh, hold on one second, okay? You're gonna love this. Val, open your mouth. Val just let me stick my finger in her mouth. This is a world I want to live in forever. Glenn: [ Gagging ] Blake: [ Sighs ] Glenn: [ Coughs ] [ Groans ] Glenn: Bodyguarder! Get rid of this. Glenn: W-why? Wait, who am I? Aaah! Blake: You did it. Take him away to the closet. [ Gasps ] Hey, who's that? Is that your girlfriend? Hey. That's my girlfriend. It says so right here. Blake: You doth speak to the king in this way? [ Chuckles ] Be off with you! Valerie: How do we know you're really a king? Hey, boyfriend whose name I don't know, kill him. Blake: No, no! Aaah! [ Feedback on TV ] Sy: The plan wasn't to get dragged into the closet, Glenn! Glenn: Who am I? [ All screaming ] Valerie: Help us! Catch! Blake: No! Sy: Glenn, the plan was that I would play in my panic room while you two held down the fort, not play with test tubes! Blake: No! [ Air hisses ] Owen: I'm so sorry. I couldn't find your gallbladder. Chief: Wait a minute. I'm remembering. We already took out his gallbladder. Owen: Oh, yeah. That's right. I suddenly remember everything! Oh. Chief: Oh, yeah. That's right, baby. You was all up in these guts. Okay? Valerie: Oh, you beautiful baby. Lola: Oh, what a day, huh? This is one of the craziest Tuesdays I have had all week. Glenn: Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Both: Pancakes! Glenn: Hey, Sy. We did it! Thanks to you! Lola: Yeah. Glenn: [ Chuckles ] Sy: Well, no one told me you had to call the sanitation department and pay them to come and pick up toxic waste. I have an idea. Hey. We're all out of ink. I'm just gonna use some of the old needles that we threw away. I'm gonna run out and grab some breakfast. You want? Yeah, yeah. Grab me some pancakes. Give me the name of my band -- "Blackout."

Plan: A: amnesia; Q: What do the characters get in this episode? A: ... amnesia; Q: What does everyone at Childrens Hospital get? Summary: In this episode, which satirizes The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, everyone at Childrens Hospital gets amnesia. After that, it looks as though the only way to get rid of the amnesia is to give the amnesia... amnesia.

RIVERCOURT Nathan watches his younger body plays basket. NATHAN(Voice-over): It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're 17 and planning for someday...and then, quietly, and without you ever really noticing...someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life. SOUND STAGE, TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY Brooke watches her younger body walk in the hall way. Julian shoot a scene. BROOKE(voice-over): If you had a friend you knew you'd never see again...what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you love...what would it be? Say it. Do it. Don't wait. Nothing lasts forever. JULIAN: And cut. That's great. Good work, everyone. Let's move on. KAREN'S CAFE Haley sees herself written her predictions for the future. NALEY'S HOUSE Haley reads her predictions to Nathan. HALEY: "Nathan and I will be together again. I will live in a big house with a beautiful son and daughter." NATHAN: Oh. HALEY: "I'll find bigfoot." There's still time for that. CHASE'S LOFT Chase sleeps. Chris scares him. CHASE: Dude. CHRIS: Chris Keller is on the lam. CLINN'S HOUSE Clay, Quinn and Logan sleep again, together. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Millicent and Mouth make sport together. MOUTH: Unh, come here. GYMNASIUM Jamie and Chuck play basket and Jamie sees Nathan's jersey. TRIC Blind Pilot performs "Half Moon". At the end, Haley talk to the mike. HALEY: Well, hello, everybody. ALL: Hi, Haley. HALEY: Love that. Hey, let's hear it one more time for Blind Pilot. As most of you know, tonight is a very special night for us... so I'd like to take a moment to thank you all for being here. The time that we've spent together over the years has meant so much...and without you, we would not be here tonight. Thank you. MAN: Yeah. HALEY: This night is yours. This night is ours. And it's full of all kinds of surprises. CHASE'S LOFT Chris is still in. CHASE: Dude, you can't surprise a guy like that. CHRIS: I'm sorry. CHASE: What's with the beard, anyway? CHRIS: I told you, I'm on the lam. CHASE: From who? CHRIS: From professional killers. I've been laying low. Didn't you notice I was gone? CHASE: I just thought you were on tour or something. CHRIS: On tour? Dude, I'm a fugitive. CHASE: They arrested everybody, Chris. Man, it's been done for a long time now. CHRIS: What? You could have called me. ELEVATOR CHRIS: When Haley sees me, she's not gonna know who I am...so you should probably just tell her I'm an old friend or something. CHASE: I'll tell her you're a bum who was hungry. CHRIS: Cool. Actually, I am kind of hungry. TRIC Chris and Chase is in the Tric. Haley meets them. HALEY: Chris. CHRIS: Whoa, why are you hugging a stranger, lady? HALEY: Thank you for helping to bring Nathan home. CHRIS: You're welcome. Anything for you. HALEY: I can't believe I didn't get to thank you before you left on tour, heh. CHRIS: Um...I was on the lam. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Mouth reads his mail. MILLICENT: You okay? MOUTH: It's from Dan Scott's estate. It's a check. MILLICENT: Why? Marvin, this is for $500,000. MOUTH: I know. MILICENT: Again, why? MOUTH: I don't know. MILLICENT: Well, what does the note say? MOUTH: It says, "What you do matters." SOUND STAGE, PEYTON'S BEDROOM Brooke visits scenery for the show. BROOKE: Wow. JULIAN: Looks pretty good, huh? BROOKE: It's like a time capsule. I could tell you stories about nights spent in this room. JULIAN: I'll bet. BROOKE: Easy, pervy. I did a lot of growing up in here. Wishing and dreaming. Figuring out who we were gonna be, you know? JULIAN: Check it out. Your boyfriend wish lists. I kind of had to bump Peyton's dad off the list. BROOKE: Yeah. You are doing so great. I'm so proud of you. JULIAN: I'm proud of you too. Those nights you were trying to figure out who you're gonna be? However you got there, whatever it took, you made it. And I'm so in love with the girl you became. TRIC Haley performs on scene "Blue Sky". Mouth joins chase at the bar. MOUTH: Chase Adams, bar manager. CHASE: Chase Adams, bar owner. Remember where you were the night this place opened? MOUTH: Yeah, uh, Brooke got drunk, I took her home, and then Felix got all the credit. CHASE: Who? MOUTH: Doesn't matter. CHASE: Well, uh, speaking of getting drunk, try this. MOUTH: You forget I worked here. No, thank you. CHASE: It's my 10th anniversary shot, man. (Chris comes in too) CHRIS: Damn, she's good. Hey, man, there's a super-powerful A and R guy here and I need a drink. CHASE: Oh, done. CHRIS: Never do that again. CHASE: Ow. CHRIS: That tasted like the devil's ass. All right. A and R guy. You can do this, Chris Keller. (Chris leaves and Clay comes in) CLAY: Hey. MOUTH: Hey, Clay Evans. How you feeling? CLAY: Good. Knock on wood. Chase. CHASE: Tenth anniversary shot. Oh, come on. CLAY: Awful. CLINN'S HOUSE Clay and Quinn have a conversation with Logan. CLAY: Hey, Wolverine, you got a second? LOGAN: Okay. CLAY: So listen, buddy, you know Quinn and I are getting married. Nice hookup on the engagement ring. Strong. Anyways, I wanted to talk to you about something. You're pretty happy here, right? LOGAN: Yeah. CLAY: Well, you know when I wandered off and you stayed with Grandma and Grandpa? Well, the state, they kind of gave them custody of you...and I just said "custody" to a 6-year-old. Uh... LOGAN: How come you're acting so weird? CLAY: Because I'm a weird dude. An odd duck. LOGAN: You'd be a funny duck. QUINN: When this funny duck was gone, your grandma and grandma...became your mom and dad, until they could find him. CLAY: Right. But now that I'm back, I was wondering what you think about...me being your dad again? I mean, for good. LOGAN: You're already my dad, Dad. CLAY: All right. Good talk. TRIC Haley performs. It's the end. Chris prepares on the dressing room. Nathan joins him. NATHAN: Keller. CHRIS: Well, well... NATHAN: Heard you were on the lam. CHRIS: I was. Unnecessary, I'm told, but does anyone text Chris Keller? Apparently not. Hey, Nate, listen, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. NATHAN: Yeah. I appreciate that, man. Anyway, uh, I didn't get a chance to say thank you... so this is just a small way of saying it now. Open it up. CHRIS: What? No way, dude. This looks just like the guitar I sold to get Haley her masters back. NATHAN: Well, it's not just like the guitar. It is the guitar. CHRIS: What? You found Haley James? Oh. NATHAN: You named your guitar after my wife? CHRIS: No, no. Um, I named it after the p0rn star. This is... Wow, come here. NATHAN: Whoa. CHRIS: Ha, ha. NATHAN: All right. Okay. All right. CHRIS: Yeah. NATHAN: You're welcome. Hey, good luck tonight. I heard there's some big-shot label guy here, so... CHRIS: Yeah. Frank Parks. Could be a big night. HALEY: It already is. CHRIS: Hey, Nate. I'm really glad you're okay. For Haley, I mean. NATHAN: Thanks. Hey, do you remember the first time we met? It was right here, like, 10 years ago. It's been all downhill from there, huh? Nathan leaves. Chris sees a beautiful girl in the dressing room. CHRIS: Well, well, Chris Keller usually waits until after his show...but I'll give you the early bird special. FRANKIE: Francesca Parks. CHRIS: What? You're Frank Parks from the label? FRANKIE: Frankie Parks. Too bad for you we're not looking to sign balladeers who sing about breakfast foods. We're looking for rock acts. Sucks for you. CHRIS: House band. Blues riff. F-sharp minor. Let's go. Chris performs "Loaded Gun". CHRIS: One, two, three, four. BRULIAN'S HOUSE All the family is ready for the start of Bakerman. VICTORIA: Boys, it's time. BROOKE: Thank you. JULIAN: Mm-hm. VICTORIA: Here is to the successful launch of Baker Man. JULIAN: To Baker Man. Mm. Here we go. Here we go. ALL: Five, four, three, two, one. TRIC Chris still performs. CHRIS: All right. Chris Keller says, "You're welcome." RIVERCOURT Jamie plays basket in the middle on the night. Nathan joins him. NATHAN: Hey, little boy, can I kidnap you? Oh, wait, you've already been kidnapped. JAMIE: So have you. NATHAN: Exactly. We go to say good night and you're missing. Your mom starts freaking out. You realize we're the Scott family, right? JAMIE: I sent you a text. I just needed to practice. NATHAN: Okay, weird son of mine. What are you doing practicing your shot on the Rivercourt in the middle of the night? JAMIE: I saw your jersey on the wall at the high school. NATHAN: So? JAMIE: So people expect me to be good. NATHAN: Come here, buddy. When you were younger, it was easy to tell you...that you can be whatever you wanna be. Of course that's true. But you're old enough to understand that people are gonna expect you...to be great at sports. JAMIE: Because you and Grandpa Dan were? NATHAN: That's right. Now look, the important thing to remember...is that you don't have any responsibility to any of those people. Not to them, not to me. You have to find what makes you happy. Be a good man while you chase whatever that is...but whatever it is, is up to you. JAMIE: I like playing sports. NATHAN: Thank God. That's my boy. No, but seriously, play sports for you, not for anybody else, okay? JAMIE: Right. NATHAN: All right. Let's get home. I'll have to figure out how to talk your mom into not grounding you. JAMIE: Oh, maybe we could say I was kidnapped again. NATHAN: Ah, It's a little played out. COURT Clay, Quinn and Logan come to adopt the kid. CLAY: Hi. BEVIN: Good afternoon. Can I help you? CLAY: Yeah, hi. My name is Clay Evans. I'm supposed to sign custody papers today for this knucklehead. LOGAN: Hi. BEVIN: Hi, cutie. That office went to lunch. Come back in an hour, we can help you then. QUINN: Okay. You're Bevin, right? I'm Quinn. We went to high school together. BEVIN: Of course. Haley's sister. How are you? QUINN: I'm good. I just got engaged. BEVIN: Oh, congratulations. I was married for a while but I really hated my husband. Anyway, one hour and we'll fix you right up. CLAY: Good. QUINN: Okay. Thanks. CLAY: Okay, we got an hour to kill, buddy, what do you wanna do? LOGAN: What are my choices? QUINN: You could help me plan the wedding. LOGAN: Okay. CLAY: Oh, no. What is happening to him? Oh, brother, he's fuguing. He probably has no idea who you are or anything about weddings. QUINN: Weak. CLAY: What's that, huh? Oh, fugue Logan wants to sneak into court and watch crackheads get sentenced. LOGAN: Cool. CLAY: He's back. Thank God. We should go. Nice dodge on the wedding stuff, dude. Seriously. Clay and Logan start to leave. Quinn calls her sister. QUINN(at phone): Hey, Haley. It's me. Um, I just wanted to talk to you about the dresses... and some ideas that I had for the wedding, and then, um... Oh, I wanna see if we can make, like, mini banana cream pies for every table...so, um... Oh, let me get you the name of the bakery. Hold on. LOGAN: Mom. You coming? QUINN(voice-over): It doesn't matter how you plan it. It doesn't matter how you envision it. QUINN(at phone): I'll call you back. QUINN(voice-over): Without even knowing it, sometimes life has a way of finding you...with exactly what you need. QUINN: Come on, let's go. QUINN(voice-over): Or exactly who you need. RIVERCOURT Mouth, Millicent and Skills talks to Dan's donation. SKILLS: Five hundred thousand dollars? Now that's a spicy meatball. MILLICENT: Huh? MOUTH: It was Jimmy's catch phrase. Mine was "whammo kablammo." MILLICENT: Oh, my boy was such a dork. MOUTH: He left a note too. It said, "What you do matters." SKILLS: Yeah. What you do with half a million dollars does matter. I thought he gave his money to charity when he did that show in the school. MILLICENT: He did. But Nathan said he told his lawyers to give some of it away after he died. MOUTH: I remember seeing Dan not long after I got fired...for refusing to report the rumors about Nathan and the pregnancy allegations. I said it didn't matter that I took a stand on the air. He said it did. SKILLS: That's a hell of a thank you. MOUTH: There's more to it than that. I just don't know what it is yet. MILLICENT: Maybe it has something to do with the hallway. Two people died there that day and you knew both of them. MOUTH: So did Skills. And Nathan. Why me? SKILLS: Because you did the right thing. PEYTON'S OFFICE Chase looks at the twins. CHRIS: What are you doing? CHASE:I love them. CHRIS: Who? The twinterns? You can't, they're mine. Don't look. CHASE: Hey, stop. Quit being so selfish. There's two of them. Wait. They're looking. CHRIS: They're like robots. Like hot ninja robots. CHASE: They're not like robots. They're angels. CHRIS: Angels smile. You ever seen them smile? Robots don't smile. CHASE: I wonder what they're like at home. TWINS' APARTMENT Chase and Chris want the twins to see. CHASE: Hold still. CHRIS: All right. Do you see them? CHASE: Dude, just hold still. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I see them. Oh, my God. CHRIS: What? Are they naked? CHASE: Yes, Chris, they're naked. They're just hanging out naked. CHRIS: I knew it. CHASE: They're not naked. They're watching a movie. CHRIS: What movie? CHASE: It's The Notebook. Wait, one of them is crying. No, wait. They're both crying. CHRIS: They're not robots? CHASE: Not only that, but they're like girls. Like girly girls. Wait. They saw me. CHRIS: Chris Keller's work here is done. CHASE: No. Chris, come on. Dude, wait. No. KAREN'S CAFE Haley looks at some old book. Brooke comes in. BROOKE: Hey. What you doing? HALEY: I used to love that Karen had books here, so I thought I'd bring it back. BROOKE: Oh, this is great. Speaking of bringing things back... you hear there's a new tenant across the street? HALEY: No. Um, hope they're nicer than the last one. BROOKE: Mm. I think they'll be okay. Little place called Baker Man. HALEY: No way. Oh, my God. Congratulations. BROOKE: Oh, thank you. It'll be our own little corner of the world, you and me. And my suddenly gross parents. HALEY: Remember what you were doing 10 years ago when TRIC opened? BROOKE: Yes. I was raising money for the needy. HALEY: You were raising money for yourself. Your parents had lost their income and you wanted a new dress. You ended up selling your own blood. BROOKE: Not my proudest moment. HALEY: Look at you now. Two businesses on the corner of Front and Grace...and your parents, though they may be gross...are finally acting like your parents. I'm proud of you, Brooke Davis. BROOKE: Thank you. I like that our street is called Grace. I've never known anybody with as much of it as you. HALEY: It'll be a nice corner. BROOKE: It'll be our corner. TRIC Chris comes back the dressing room. Frankie is here. MAN: Yeah. CHRIS: Well, well. You were saying? FRANKIE: Fine. You're good. And we're interested. CHRIS: I know. But I'm not. Sucks for you. Frankie leaves, Haley joins him. HALEY: You cannot help yourself, can you? CHRIS: Feels so good. I'm gonna hate myself in the morning, though. Chris Keller feels like Chris Keller's dates sometimes. HALEY: You come down here to run the label, you hire the Sisters Grimm...you do not good work. CHRIS: Come on. HALEY: What bands did you hire? None. I'm the one that had to find our next new artist. I gotta let you go, Chris. CHRIS: Why? HALEY: Because you're the next artist I found. Your music's great. Your live show is great. What are you running from? CHRIS: Well, professional killers until this week. I don't know. I didn't like the version of me then. The first time. HALEY: You're not that guy anymore. CHRIS: Yeah. HALEY: Actually, you're still pretty much that guy, but you're working on it. Points for that. Good talk. Brooke announces the new singer. BROOKE: Hi, everybody. ALL: Hi, Brooke. BROOKE: That never gets old. How's everybody's night going? Well, it is about to get a whole lot better. Please welcome Gavin DeGraw. Gavin DeGraw performs singing "Soldier". All the characters see the show. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan makes a surprise for Haley. HALEY: What is all of this? NATHAN: No questions. This is your house special. HALEY: Mac and cheese. Food of the gods. NATHAN: And for dessert... HALEY: What are you up to, Nathan Scott? NATHAN: It's okay to have dessert first. HALEY: Good. Ah, it's so beautiful, honey. NATHAN: No, you're beautiful. This will just be a nice accessory. Now, don't say that you never gave me anything because you have. You've given me an amazing life. And I do love you so. TRIC Gavin performs. COURT Clay and Quinn wait their turn. QUINN: Don't go too far, bud. So, what do you wanna do for the next hour of your life? CLAY: Well, we could get some lunch. QUINN: We could get married and then get some lunch. If you want. CLAY: I thought you wanted a big wedding. Fancy dress. Banana cream pies. QUINN: I just wanna be your wife...before we adopt our son. Clay and Quinn sign papers. BEVIN: And just one more signature right here. Congratulations, Mr. And Mrs. Evans, it's a boy. Clay and Quinn are married. SOUND STAGE, OLD BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke and Julian are sitting in front of. BROOKE: Mm, I always loved that house. It deserved better. It deserved a family. Why do people waste so much time fighting? And where does it get us? JULIAN(Voice-over): It's funny how our past frames us. How the person we used to be never lets loose of the person we are. Past failures and disappointments...even victories take hold of us. They haunt us like ghosts or visit us like old friends. TV SET New show starts. MILLICENT: This week, we launch a new program...that will explore the world of sports from a human-interest point of view. SKILLS: For a preview of that program, here's the host, our boy, Marvin McFadden. MOUTH: The name Jimmy Edwards will always mean something to this town. He's remembered as the confused boy who took a handgun to school... and then took his own life. The name Keith Scott was also enshrined that day...as a would-be hero who tried to intervene. This is how time remembers them. It's not how I remember them. I knew them as friends, as did Antwon. And I knew them as sports fans. Both believed that at their best, sports and athletes can be transcendent. They can remind us that an underdog can still find glory...and that there might still be magic left in David's sling. So today, I'm proud to announce...the Edwards-Scott Memorial Scholarship Program. A scholarship program for college-bound students...who plan to pursue any sports-related majors. Coaches, trainers, coordinators and, yes, broadcasters. It's not my intention that one day this scholarship fund will erase the past...but it is my intention that one day it might eclipse it...and remind a new generation of sports fans that what you do matters...and how you do it matters. I'm Marvin McFadden. Whammo kablammo. SKILLS: That's a spicy meatball. MILLICENT: We'll be back after this. TRIC Gavin DeGraw performs singing "Belief". NALEY'S HOUSE Haley and Nathan are sitting in lovers in the couch. NATHAN: We should go for a walk. Want to? HALEY: It's pouring outside. NATHAN: Exactly. Let's go. (Haley and Nathan are kissing on the rain) OLD BROOKE'S HOUSE Julian makes Brooke a surprise. BROOKE: Where are you taking me? JULIAN: You'll see. Hold on. Almost there. Okay, open. BROOKE: My old house? JULIAN: No, our new home. BROOKE: What? JULIAN: Come on. BROOKE: What? JULIAN: You said this house deserved better. That it deserved a family. Well, now it's got one. The best one. BROOKE: I wished for this. Right here, without even knowing it. I wished for you and our family and this. Come here. Ever since New York, I wanted to come home. I just knew in my heart that there was treasure here...and I found it. In our sons. In my parents. In you. This house always wanted to be home and now it will be. Our home. Everyone should have that. A place that makes them happy. JULIAN: You should have that. Welcome home, Brooke Davis. (They kiss) BROOKE: Thank you. I wanna go see my room. JULIAN: Okay. CLINN'S HOUSE Quinn and Clay make Logan on the bed. QUINN: Sure you don't need your tent anymore? LOGAN: Yep. I'm not afraid anymore. CLAY: Good man. All right. You sleep tight, buddy. LOGAN: Night, Dad. Night, Mom. CLAY: Night, son. QUINN: We love you. ROOF OF KAREN'S CAFE Haley shows to Jamie the box where he places her predictions when she was younger. JAMIE: Whoa, what's that? HALEY: It's a secret. Inside this box are predictions and hopes...that I started making when I was about your age. And Uncle Lucas did too, and even your dad has some in here. JAMIE: Really? Did they come true? HALEY: They did. Against all odds and in the face of all kinds of obstacles...almost every wish in here came true. This is your secret now. Your magic. So think about your wishes... use them wisely, and only make predictions...about things you're absolutely certain will make you happy. And most importantly, don't tell a soul. Except your mom. JAMIE: Okay. I'm gonna break Dad's scoring title. HALEY(Voice-over): Human beings are ambitious. We spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing. For the most part, that's okay. Ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good. Dreaming. As long as the chase doesn't diminish what we already have. The goodness we take for granted, the people we take for granted. The lives we take for granted. HALEY: Come here. HALEY(Voice-over): My life is good. HALEY: It's a magical place, son. I've seen that magic in your eyes for the last nine years. There's only one Tree Hill, Jamie Scott, and it's your home. SOUND STAGE, TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY Brooke sees the Peyton's stickers in a lock. JULIAN: You somewhere down memory lane? BROOKE: Yeah. JULIAN: Good. Stay there and tell me what I should remember about this place. What made it so special? BROOKE: Oh, I don't know. What makes any high school special? This is where it all happened for the first time. The heartache and the happiness. All of it. Being in this hallway...feels like it was yesterday. I wake up sometimes and I miss it. But this is good. It's all still right here. JULIAN: Let's get a juice box. TRIC Gavin DeGraw performs singing "I don't wanna be". All are here singing too. KAREN'S CAFE All gather in the cafe, happy. Boys on the side and girls in the other side. JULIAN: Hey. TRIC All the crowd singing the song with Gavin, especially the cast. CROWD: "I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind. I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I've got to do. Or who I'm supposed to be I don't wanna be anything other than me I don't wanna be I don't wanna be anything Anything other than me." GRACE STREET, FEW YEARS LATER Nathan and Haley are ready to go away. NATHAN: Hales, let's go. We don't wanna be late. HALEY: I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm sorry. I'm nervous. Why am I nervous? NATHAN: You're always nervous. HALEY: Oh, thank you. Julian and Brooke lock the Bakerman shop. JULIAN: Caw. NATHAN: Ha-ha-ha. Nobody says "caw," Julian. JULIAN: We do. We say "caw" every week on the show. NATHAN: Oh, all right, all right. Caw. BROOKE: Ha-ha-ha. NATHAN: We'll see you there. BROOKE: Okay. TREE HILL GYNMANIUM All are here for the match of Jamie. It's a Ravens now. We see Millicent is pregnant and married to Marvin. Skills dates with Bevin. NATHAN(Voice-over): It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're 17 and planning for someday. And then, quietly, and without you ever really noticing...someday is today. Then someday is yesterday. And this is your life. HALEY(Voice-over): We spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing. But ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good. Dreaming. BROOKE(Voice-over): If you had a friend you knew you'd never see again... what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you love...what would it be? Say it. Do it. Don't wait. Nothing lasts forever. MOUTH(Voice-over): Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. MILLIE(Voice-over): Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. QUINN(Voice-over): You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from. CLAY(Voice-over): The next memory. The next smile. The next wish come true. CHASE(Voice-over): But if you believe that it's right around the corner... CHRIS(Voice-over): And you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it...to the certainty of it... SKILLS(Voice-over): You just might get the thing you're wishing for. JULIAN(Voice-over): The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. The team enters in the field. BROOKE(Voice-over): So make your wish. Do you have it? NATHAN(Voice-over): Good. Now believe in it. HALEY(Voice-over): With all your heart. Jamie comes in and wear the jersey #12. End of the episode and the series.

Plan: A: Tric; Q: What is the name of the club that is celebrating its 10th anniversary? A: Quinn; Q: Who adopts Logan? A: Clay; Q: Who does Quinn marry? A: Haley; Q: Who introduces Jamie to her predictions with Lucas? A: Jamie; Q: Who is the all time top scorer? A: Julian; Q: Who buys Brooke her childhood home? A: the Tree Hill gang; Q: What is the name of the group of friends in One Tree Hill? A: Jamie's high-school basketball game; Q: What is the setting of the final scene? A: Bevin; Q: Who makes a guest appearance in the final episode? A: Skills; Q: Who is Bevin seen with? A: Millie; Q: Who is pregnant in the final episode? A: U2; Q: What band is the episode named after? Summary: In the final chapter of One Tree Hill, the tenth anniversary of Tric brings old faces and new possibilities for the Tree Hill family; Quinn adopts Logan and marries Clay, Haley introduces Jamie to her predictions with Lucas and Julian buys Brooke her childhood home. In the time-jump, the Tree Hill gang are seen at Jamie's high-school basketball game, where his jersey is seen on the wall as the "all time top scorer". Bevin makes a guest appearance who is also seen back with Skills and Millie is pregnant. This episode is named after a song by U2 and the series title itself.

THE SEA DEVILS BY: MALCOLM HULKE 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. NAVAL BASE (The DOCTOR, JO and CAPTAIN HART exit the main block and start to walk across the forecourt. The DOCTOR has retrieved his cloak.) CAPTAIN HART: Doctor, do you think you're doing the right thing? DOCTOR: I'm doing the only thing possible, Captain Hart, if we're to avoid a major conflict. CAPTAIN HART: Suppose they won't listen to you? (JO looks to one side and suddenly cries out...) JO: Doctor! (The DOCTOR spins round. Two SEA DEVILS run round a corner and one of them aims its gun at the three people. The DOCTOR jumps forward, karate chops the weapon out of its hand and spins the creature round, pushing it against a wall. He then throws it to the ground and elbow jabs the second SEA DEVIL in its stomach before knocking it to the ground with a double-fisted punch.) DOCTOR: Alright, Captain Hart, get these two out of here. (He fails to see a third SEA DEVIL running up behind him.) JO: Doctor, look out! (Before he can react, the SEA DEVIL grips his neck in a paralysing nerve hold. The DOCTOR quickly succumbs and is thrown at the feet of JO and CAPTAIN HART. More SEA DEVIL'S run up, their weapons raised to fire, but the MASTER is with them and he forces his way through the group to prevent them shooting.) MASTER: No! Take them inside. (JO and CAPTAIN HART pick up the groggy but recovering DOCTOR and head back towards the main block, escorted by two of the SEA DEVILS. Left behind with the others, the MASTER watches them go.) MASTER: Dear, oh dear, Doctor - will you never learn? (The small group reaches the block.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE NAVAL BASE (Elsewhere in the base, an officer and ratings, their hands behind their head in surrender, are forced by a group of armed SEA DEVILS into another block and the door is shut behind them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. NAVAL BASE. CORRIDOR (Guarded by three SEA DEVILS, the DOCTOR waits in the corridor outside HART'S office. The MASTER walks along the corridor escorted by a fourth of the reptiles.) MASTER: Now, Doctor, for your information, the capture of this naval base is the first step in the return of this planet to its rightful owners. Right, bring him in, will you? (The MASTER enters HART'S office and the DOCTOR is taken in after him by the SEA DEVIL guards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. NAVAL BASE. CAPTAIN HART'S OFFICE DOCTOR: How do you hope to achieve that? (The MASTER stands behind HART'S desk.) MASTER: As you know, our friends here have underground and underwater bases all over the world. Well, I propose to reactivate them. DOCTOR: Well you haven't reactivated them yet, have you? MASTER: Er, not yet, no. But I can - with your help. DOCTOR: I wondered why I was still alive. MASTER: I advise you not to give me any trouble, Doctor. Not if you value the life of every man on this base. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. NAVAL BASE. RADIO ROOM (JO, HART and WALKER have been locked in the radio room. HART picks up a set of headphones, turns a switch and listens.) CAPTAIN HART: (Angrily.) It's no good! They've cut the power supply! (He throws the headphones down. JO has been listening at the door to HART'S office.) JO: Shh! (Whispers.) Look, there's still some of them in there. WALKER: (Pompously.) This is monstrous! What are you going to do about it, Captain? (HART ignores him. JO starts to look round the room and points to hatch in the ceiling.) JO: (Whispers.) Captain Hart, what about this? (HART joins her and looks up at it.) CAPTAIN HART: (Quietly.) Yes, we should be able to open it. But I could never get through the ventilation shaft up there. JO: (Whispers.) No, but I could. (HART looks round the room. He points to a table with a couple of pieces of electronic equipment on it.) CAPTAIN HART: (Quietly.) The table. JO: (Whispers.) Right. (They cross to the table and HART takes one of the pieces of equipment and puts it on the floor...) CAPTAIN HART: (Quietly.) Here. (...followed by the other which he takes from JO. WALKER loses his pompous demeanour and instead displays his cowardly streak.) WALKER: What...what are you doing? (HART and JO start to carry the table across the room and place it under the hatch.) CAPTAIN HART: We're going to put this table underneath that ventilation hatch and try to open it. WALKER: (Scared.) Yeah, but...supposing you get caught? They might take reprisals against the innocent! (HART climbs on the table and examines the hatch.) CAPTAIN HART: A screwdriver. Jo, over there - on the bench somewhere. JO: Right. (She runs to the main radio bench and starts to look over it.) WALKER: (Panicking.) Don't you think we ought to leave these things to the Doctor? He said we ought to cooperate with them, you know? (HART ignores the politician.) CAPTAIN HART: (To JO.) Tool kit! Underneath! Underneath the bench! (JO starts to rummage in the equipment under the bench and quickly finds the toolkit and the screwdriver within.) WALKER: (To JO.) Look, he's, er, he's not going to try and trick them, is he? JO: Shh! (She hands the tool to HART...) CAPTAIN HART: That's it. (...who starts to unscrew the hatch.) WALKER: (Panicking.) This could have the most dreadful consequences! He...he...he made them a promise, you know? CAPTAIN HART: Yes, in order to save our lives! Now do you mind? [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (The MASTER has gone with the DOCTOR to the stores room that he raided on his previous visit to the base. He nods to their SEA DEVIL escort and shows him outside the room. He then turns to a relaxed DOCTOR who leans nonchalantly on the counter.) MASTER: Now then, Doctor, my problem is this: during millions of years of hibernation, the reactivation machinery has deteriorated. I now find it necessary to build a trigger mechanism for it. DOCTOR: And how do you hope to do that? MASTER: Well, by constructing a sonar device analogous to the laser. With this, I can not only pinpoint and revive the base by the sea fort, but every other base in the world. DOCTOR: And you've convinced your reptilian friends that this will work? MASTER: You know it'll work - with your cooperation. (He gestures round the packed shelves.) MASTER: All the equipment we need is here. DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, I suppose it's possible. MASTER: I've drawn up some preliminary plans here. (The MASTER opens some blueprints and spreads them over the counter.) MASTER: There. (The DOCTOR looks over them and smiles.) DOCTOR: Good grief! What on earth do you think you're doing? MASTER: Now what is the matter? DOCTOR: Well, this circuit here - it's completely misplaced. And also you'll need far more power through to your main dipode. Give me a pencil, will you? (The MASTER hands the pencil over.) MASTER: Ah. DOCTOR: Thank you. MASTER: And you think you can correct this fault? DOCTOR: Yes, I think so - given time. Now then, let's see. (He starts to scribble on the blueprints as the MASTER smiles with satisfaction.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. NAVAL BASE. RADIO ROOM (WALKER is getting more nervous as HART completes his task...) WALKER: Are you...are you really going to let a...a mere child risk her life? CAPTAIN HART: (Sarcastically.) Well I could never get through that ventilation shaft! Would you like to try? (WALKER looks aghast.) CAPTAIN HART: Come on, Jo. (He helps JO onto the table.) CAPTAIN HART: Now, once you're through the shaft, there's a hatch that comes out on to the roof of this building. JO: Okay. CAPTAIN HART: Are you ready? (He lifts her up.) CAPTAIN HART: Huh! That's it. (JO climbs into the shaft.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. NAVAL BASE. VENTILATION SHAFT (She edges through the shaft.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. NAVAL BASE. ROOF OF MAIN BLOCK (Reaching grille, she knocks it down and climbs out of the shaft. She checks that there is no one around and, walking past a radar tower, starts to climb down a fixed ladder stair to the ground. After she has gone, two patrolling SEA DEVILS steps into view.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (JO finds the stores room and looks through the frosted glass window.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (Within, the MASTER works at the trigger mechanism. It is a hastily constructed and crude affair of various components and wires built within what appears to be the frame of an old chair. The DOCTOR appears from the back room of the stores with a cardboard box of more parts. He spots JO closing the window. He returns to the counter with the box, makes a play of searching through it and heads for the back of the stores again. The MASTER sees this...) MASTER: Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh, I need a polarising condenser. MASTER: Oh, allow me. DOCTOR: Oh, thank you. (The MASTER moves into the back room. JO re-opens the window.) JO: (Whispers.) Come on, Doctor! Hurry! (The DOCTOR checks that the MASTER is out of the way.) JO: (Whispers.) Come on! (The DOCTOR runs to the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Now Jo, listen to me. In a few minutes time, I'm going to create a diversion. Now, as soon as it starts, you try and get Hart and the others out. JO: (Whispers.) But what about the guards? DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Don't worry about the guards. You leave them to me. Now, you hurry back there and wait for the off. JO: (Whispers.) Okay. (She moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (The DOCTOR pulls the window to and dashes back to the counter before he is spotted.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (Outside, JO tries to run back the way she came but, as she reaches the corner, she turns and runs quickly in the other direction - just before two patrolling SEA DEVILS march round the corner. They fail to spot her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (The DOCTOR and the MASTER finish their work on the trigger mechanism.) DOCTOR: All right? (He takes a lead and plugs it into the wall socket.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. NAVAL BASE. CORRIDOR (JO has made it back to the main block. She quietly tiptoes down the corridor to HART'S office. Glancing within, she spots a SEA DEVIL guard. She waits in the corridor out of view.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (The door to the stores opens and a SEA DEVIL enters. It watches the DOCTOR and the MASTER as they step back from their completed work.) MASTER: Well, Doctor? DOCTOR: How about a little test? (The MASTER nods with satisfaction.) DOCTOR: Right, here goes. (The DOCTOR turns a dial on a part of the machinery. All at once, a valve on the mechanism lights up and a screeching signal is emitted which causes the watching SEA DEVIL to clutch its head in pain and stagger in agony on the spot.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. NAVAL BASE. CAPTAIN HART'S OFFICE (The effect on the SEA DEVIL in HART'S office is the same...) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (...as the signal continues to pulse out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. NAVAL BASE. CAPTAIN HART'S OFFICE (JO uses the diversion to run in from the corridor and unlock the door to the radio room. HART rushes out.) CAPTAIN HART: What the blazes?! JO: The Doctor's doing it - now come on! (They rush off. The cowardly WALKER hesitates and loses his nerve when the reptile staggers into his path. The politician retreats back into the radio room and pulls the door to.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (The signal continues...) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. NAVAL BASE (Outside the main block, two SEA DEVIL'S writhe in agony. HART and JO run past them and come across a fallen sailor. HART grabs his rifle.) CAPTAIN HART: We must find the Hovercraft pilots. JO: Yes, alright. ... Come on! (She runs off and HART follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (The signal continues...) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. BEACH (JO and HART reach an empty waiting hovercraft. JO climbs on board while HART shoots at five distantly approaching SEA DEVILS that stagger through their agony in an effort to try and stop them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. HOVERCRAFT (JO climbs into the pilot seat of the hovercraft.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. BEACH (HART climbs in after her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (The signal continues...) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. BEACH (From the open doorway of the hovercraft, HART watches the approaching SEA DEVILS. They attempt to fire at the escapees but they cannot focus clearly on the vessel. As the hovercraft powers up, HART is able to easily pick off the SEA DEVILS with his rifle. The hovercraft rises and turns into the sea.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (The signal continues...) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. SEA (The hovercraft races through the waters.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM MASTER: Switch the power off! (He pushes past a grinning DOCTOR and rushes to the wall socket, pulling the plug out. Immediately, the signal dies down and the SEA DEVIL stops writhing.) MASTER: What happened? DOCTOR: Well, I must have had the frequency too high. Er, sorry about that. (He looks over the trigger mechanism.) DOCTOR: Ah, no, I see what it is. I had the output jack in the input socket. (He swaps the two leads round.) DOCTOR: There...yeah, there that should work all right now. MASTER: We shan't know for sure till we get it back to their base and built it into their power system. DOCTOR: We? MASTER: Yes, Doctor. You're coming with me. DOCTOR: Oh, I see. (The two to the stores bursts open and the CHIEF SEA DEVIL enters together with three of his minions.) CHIEF SEA DEVIL: This noise - what has been happening? MASTER: Teething troubles - that's all. CHIEF SEA DEVIL: It must not happen again. Is the work completed? MASTER: Yes, I've now finished. CHIEF SEA DEVIL: Then we shall return to our base. (The CHIEF SEA DEVIL looks at the DOCTOR.) CHIEF SEA DEVIL: Do you want him killed now? MASTER: No...he might yet prove useful. (To the DOCTOR.) Well, Doctor? Shall we go? DOCTOR: If you insist. (The MASTER takes hold of the trigger mechanism and leaves the stores, following the CHIEF SEA DEVIL. The DOCTOR puts on his cloak for the journey.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (Outside the stores, the CHIEF SEA DEVIL hears and quickly sees the returning hovercraft approaching the beach from the sea.) CHIEF SEA DEVIL: Guard them. (The MASTER and the DOCTOR are pushed back into the stores room by a SEA DEVIL.) CHIEF SEA DEVIL: Keep them safe. I must alert the others. (It hurries away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: EXT. BEACH (The hovercraft beaches on the shingle. The door opens and a squad of helmeted, armed sailors leap out, led by HART, firing as they go. They race up the beach and through the fence into the naval base.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: EXT. NAVAL BASE (Their sheer numbers are too much for the SEA DEVILS who are cut down in rapid succession. HART waves his sailors on into the compound of the base. There, one of the first sailors is quickly cut down by a SEA DEVIL in hiding round a corner but the dead man's comrades quickly return the fire, cutting down the reptile.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: EXT. BEACH (More sailors pour out of the hovercraft, with JO the last to leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: EXT. NAVAL BASE (Within the base, the battle continues. A SEA DEVIL on a roof shoots a sailor down but returned fire from another topples the reptile and it falls from the roof with a cry. More SEA DEVILS run into the fray, firing as they go.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37: EXT. BEACH (The hovercraft, with one sailor on board, leaves the beach.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: EXT. NAVAL BASE (The battle continues. One by one, the SEA DEVILS are killed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. NAVAL BASE. STORES ROOM (The DOCTOR and the MASTER hear the sounds of battle from within the stores room.) DOCTOR: Well, it seems as if things aren't quite going according to plan. (An impatient MASTER turns on their SEA DEVIL guard.) MASTER: Look, we must break out of here! I've got to get this device down to your base. NAVAL OFFICER: (OOV: Outside store room.) Myers, check that storeroom! (The SEA DEVIL, hearing this, pushes the MASTER out of the way and waits behind the door as it opens to admit a bearded C.P.O. MYERS. He enters.) C.P.O. MYERS: Looks all right. DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Look out behind you! (MYERS spins round and pumps five bullets into the SEA DEVIL before it can fire at him. The creature flinches with each bullet and then falls.) C.P.O. MYERS: Will one of you gentlemen be the Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, I am. (He points at the MASTER.) DOCTOR: This man's an extremely dangerous criminal, so guard him well. Now, have you seen Captain Hart and Miss Grant? C.P.O. MYERS: I'm not sure, sir. DOCTOR: Right, I'd better go and find them. (He makes for the door.) C.P.O. MYERS: Right, I'll stay with this bloke. DOCTOR: Yeah, do that - and watch him! (He leaves and MYERS levels his rifle at the MASTER. The renegade Time Lord waits a moment and then speaks quietly...) MASTER: There's been a misunderstanding here, you know? (MYERS cocks his rifle. The MASTER quietly shakes his head and steps forward, staring intently at the C.P.O.) MASTER: I'm not the man that you want. (He moves closer.) MASTER: There's been a mistake... (MYER'S struggles against the hypnotic stare.) MASTER: You understand...? (The MASTER moves the rifle barrel out of the way with a gloved hand.) MASTER: A mistake... (MYERS drops the rifle and the MASTER chops him down to the ground.) MASTER: A mistake! [SCENE_BREAK] 40: EXT. NAVAL BASE (With the noise of battle all round them, HART and two sailors reach a gun emplacement. They sit within it and swing it round to face a group of approaching SEA DEVILS. They fire shell after shell into the reptiles, killing them off one by one. The DOCTOR runs up to the emplacement.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Have you seen Jo Grant anywhere? CAPTAIN HART: (Shouts.) She's on the beach. (The DOCTOR moves off as HART fires more shells and kills the final SEA DEVIL.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE NAVAL BASE (The DOCTOR runs round a corner and sees the MASTER, trigger mechanism in hand, running through a gate of the perimeter fence and onto the beach. He follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: EXT. BEACH (The MASTER runs down the beach towards two orange sea scooters. He places the trigger mechanism into the back of one of them and then pulls it into the water. The DOCTOR runs towards him as he starts the machine up and heads out to sea. The DOCTOR pulls the second scooter into the water and gives chase. Back on the beach, the SEA DEVILS who have survived the battle escape the base and plunge into the water in retreat.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: EXT. SEA (The DOCTOR keeps close behind the MASTER in their respective sea scooters. The waters out at sea are made fairly choppy by the machines and the DOCTOR'S scooter constantly rides on the waves created by the MASTER. Several times, he is doused by the waters which overlap him but manages to keep up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 44: EXT. BEACH (The MASTER drives his scooter onto a deserted shoreline. The DOCTOR moves in next to him and jumps off his machine to apprehend him. The MASTER waits with a smile on his face.) MASTER: I'm sorry, Doctor. (He points further up the shore. A drenched DOCTOR looks and sees a waiting SEA DEVIL transport pod and several of the reptiles running into view. The MASTER laughs as the SEA DEVILS await their "guests".) [SCENE_BREAK] 45: INT. NAVAL BASE. CAPTAIN HART'S OFFICE (Back at the base, things are returning to normal. WALKER is still shaken by his experience and barely keeping his nerve.) WALKER: Now, perhaps you'll admit I was right all along? Massive nuclear strike - it's the only way. JO: (Appalled.) But not until we know what's happened to the Doctor! (BLYTHE enters the room and goes up to CAPTAIN HART.) 3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: Excuse me, sir. I've just seen Lieutenant Scott. He said he saw the Doctor heading out to sea. WALKER: (Laughs.) Gone to join his friends! Gone over to the other side! 3rd OFFICER JANE BLYTHE: (To HART.) He seemed to be chasing another boat. JO: He must have been after the Master. WALKER: Well, be that as it may, they'll both have to take their chances. (He sits at HART'S desk.) WALKER: I'm going to put an end to these creatures - right away. Kindly get me the Minister on the phone. I'm going to request that we launch a nuclear strike - now. (JO looks in horror at HART.) [SCENE_BREAK] 46: INT. SEA DEVIL'S BASE. MAIN CHAMBER (A dried off DOCTOR and MASTER are in the main chamber of the SEA DEVIL'S base. The trigger mechanism has been connected to a large table-like power unit and the two are making final modifications.) CHIEF SEA DEVIL: We ... back from the human's base. Many of my people have been killed. (The MASTER crosses to the CHIEF.) MASTER: It was a necessary sacrifice. CHIEF SEA DEVIL: You said man was weak. MASTER: So he is. Soon you will surge from the seas in your millions and exterminate him. (The DOCTOR turns from his work.) DOCTOR: Don't listen to him. Why begin a long and bloody war where thousands will be killed on both sides? CHIEF SEA DEVIL: We shall destroy man and reclaim the planet. DOCTOR: Is there nothing I can say to make you reconsider? CHIEF SEA DEVIL: Nothing! (The DOCTOR sighs.) DOCTOR: (Quietly.) I'm sorry. (He turns to the machine and, unseen, turns a large metal switch on top.) CHIEF SEA DEVIL: Is the machine ready? MASTER: It is. CHIEF SEA DEVIL: Then activate it. (The MASTER walks back to the trigger mechanism.) MASTER: Allow me, Doctor. We don't want any accidents this time. DOCTOR: The power may take some time to build up, you know? (The MASTER switches it on. The sound of rising power is faintly heard, building up slowly. The MASTER points at the DOCTOR.) MASTER: I suggest you now dispose of this man! CHIEF SEA DEVIL: Take them both to the cages! (A shocked MASTER is immediately seized by two SEA DEVILS.) MASTER: What's the meaning of this? I'm your ally! CHIEF SEA DEVIL: Both I say! Take them! (A smiling DOCTOR, also held, and the MASTER are led away, the latter screaming as he goes...) MASTER: I helped you! I helped you! [SCENE_BREAK] 47: EXT. SEA (Once again naval ships start to congregate on the area. They are joined by a submarine.) [SCENE_BREAK] 48: INT. SEA DEVIL'S BASE. HALLWAY (The DOCTOR and the MASTER are led by SEA DEVIL guards to the cell previously occupied by the submarine officers.) MASTER: Look, I demand you take me back to your chief! Immediately! DOCTOR: (Amused.) You seem to be losing your touch! [SCENE_BREAK] 49: INT. SEA DEVIL'S BASE. CELL (The MASTER is pushed in and sits on the floor. The DOCTOR follows and the door is closed.) MASTER: Once they see that the device works properly, they'll release me. DOCTOR: I very much doubt it. You see, before you reactivated it, I reversed the polarity of the neutron flow. (The MASTER looks stunned. They hear the rising power around them.) MASTER: You did what? You realise what will happen? DOCTOR: Oh, yes. Do you? MASTER: Well there'll be a massive reverse feedback into their whole power system! DOCTOR: Exactly. (He checks his watch.) DOCTOR: In about, erm, ten minutes from now the whole place should go up. Enjoy your revenge. (He smiles as the MASTER rushes to the porthole window...) [SCENE_BREAK] 50: INT. SEA DEVIL'S BASE. HALLWAY (...and looks out.) MASTER: Guards! Guards, come back! You must release me! I must talk to your chief! (The hallway is deserted. The only sound is that of the power for the trigger mechanism starting to race away.) MASTER: Let me out! We're all in danger! Let me out! [SCENE_BREAK] 51: INT. SEA DEVIL'S BASE. CELL DOCTOR: You're wasting your time, you know? (The MASTER slumps to the floor.) DOCTOR: Even if they heard you, they couldn't do anything about it. MASTER: Why? DOCTOR: Well, I built a self-destruct mechanism into the main control switch. You can't turn it off. MASTER: (Shocked.) But...but we'll both be killed. (The DOCTOR smiles and winks.) DOCTOR: That's right. Unless we can both escape. [SCENE_BREAK] 52: INT. NAVAL BASE. RADIO ROOM (BOWMAN turns from his equipment. He is watched by JO, HART, BLYTHE and WALKER. The latter has recovered his full confidence and arrogance.) LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: Ship's moving into position now, sir. WALKER: Very well. This time we'll continue the attack until those creatures are finally destroyed. Now, how about some tea? (He moves off into HART'S office with a smile. JO starts to become tearful.) [SCENE_BREAK] 53: INT. SEA DEVIL'S BASE. CELL (The DOCTOR uses his sonic screwdriver on the lock of the cell. It explodes and the door opens.) DOCTOR: You see? Come on. (They crouch through the door and out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 54: INT. SEA DEVIL'S BASE. HALLWAY (They cross the discarded equipment from the submarine, including two escape suits.) DOCTOR: Well, as I told you. Submarine escape equipment. Now, all we've got to do is find the airlock. MASTER: Airlock? DOCTOR: Yes, there must be one around here somewhere. Otherwise how else did we get down in those capsules? (He passes him an escape suit.) DOCTOR: Here you are, put this on. [SCENE_BREAK] 55: INT. NAVAL BASE. CAPTAIN HART'S OFFICE (HART plots movements on his chart as BLYTHE enters with a lunch tray for WALKER.) WALKER: Ah, thank you, my dear. (He examines the sandwiches.) WALKER: Ah ha! Smoked salmon... (He laughs.) Delicious! (He starts to eat. HART opens the door to the radio room and enters.) [SCENE_BREAK] 56: INT. NAVAL BASE. RADIO ROOM (JO is in there with BOWMAN. She looks up hopefully.) CAPTAIN HART: Won't be long now. JO: Suppose the Doctor manages to escape from that place? CAPTAIN HART: Not much chance, I'm afraid. JO: Yes, but just suppose? (HART considers and then speaks urgently to BOWMAN.) CAPTAIN HART: Get a high speed hovercraft over that area. I want a complete sweep before the attack. LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: Aye aye, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 57: EXT. SEA (The DOCTOR and the MASTER have managed to escape and float on the surface of the sea in their inflatable suits. A hovercraft approaches. The DOCTOR and the MASTER unzip their suits and start to wave to attract attention as the vessel gets nearer. It slows down and a sailor climbs down the rim to help the two men up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 58: INT. HOVERCRAFT (The pilot watches...) [SCENE_BREAK] 59: EXT. SEA (...as first the MASTER is hauled aboard.) [SCENE_BREAK] 60: INT. HOVERCRAFT (The pilot grows impatient as the deadline for the attack nears.) [SCENE_BREAK] 61: EXT. SEA (With the MASTER on board, the DOCTOR is then helped up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 62: INT. SEA DEVIL'S BASE. MAIN CHAMBER (As the SEA DEVILS watch, the pulses from the trigger mechanism grow in power. The CHIEF SEA DEVIL enters the chamber and crosses to the device.) CHIEF SEA DEVIL: This device is causing the power to overload. (He reaches out to switch it off but there is a small explosion from within.) [SCENE_BREAK] 63: INT. HOVERCRAFT (Still in their escape suits, the DOCTOR and the MASTER are shown to chairs but the MASTER suddenly clutches his chest and falls to the floor. A sailor starts to assist him but he and the DOCTOR are diverted by a massive explosion outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 64: EXT. SEA (The waters of the sea are thrown upwards by the force. Watching through the window, the DOCTOR has to shield his eyes from the force of the explosion.) [SCENE_BREAK] 65: INT. NAVAL BASE. RADIO ROOM (WALKER and BLYTHE have returned to the radio room. BOWMAN takes his headphones off.) LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: Large underwater explosion reported, sir. (JANE sees JO'S reaction and puts her arm around her shoulders.) WALKER: What? Has the attack started already? LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: No sir - before the attack. And they've picked up two survivors. One of them's in a bad way. They've radioed for an ambulance to stand by. JO: (Nervously.) Did they...did they say who? LDG. TELEGRAPHIST BOWMAN: No, Miss. (She suppresses her tears.) [SCENE_BREAK] 66: EXT. BEACH (The hovercraft reaches the shore at the same time as a naval ambulance, its siren screeching. The door to the hovercraft opens and an escape-suited DOCTOR steps out. A delighted JO and HART run to meet him as the two ambulance men run into the hovercraft with a stretcher.) JO: They said someone was hurt? DOCTOR: It's the Master. He collapsed soon after they picked us up. CAPTAIN HART: Well then, Doctor, what happened? DOCTOR: I managed to destroy their base for you. CAPTAIN HART: Thank goodness. Well done! DOCTOR: Well, I did what I had to to prevent a war. (The ambulance men come out with the MASTER lying still on the stretcher. They reach HART, JO and the DOCTOR.) JO: He's dead. AMBULANCE MAN: We were too late. The doctor in the hovercraft said so. DOCTOR: (Puzzled.) Doctor? What doctor? (He reaches down and peels the face of the "MASTER" back. Underneath it is a hypnotised sailor.) SAILOR: I must obey...I must obey... (They suddenly hear the sound of the hovercraft starting up.) SAILOR: I must obey...I must obey... (They see the MASTER in the pilot's seat. He smiles and gives a wave.) SAILOR: I must obey... I must obey... (The DOCTOR gives a slight smile as he watches the hovercraft turn into the sea and escape.) SAILOR: I must obey...I must obey...

Plan: A: the naval base; Q: What do the Sea Devils take over? A: the Master; Q: Who does the Doctor help find a way to revive the Sea Devils? Summary: The Sea Devils take over the naval base and the Doctor is forced to help the Master find a way to revive their colony.

57th Episode of Roswell Production Code: 3ADA14 Opens with Michael and Isabel running through a darkened corridor and an alarm going off. Isabel: Let's go! Michael comes up on a moniter. Michael: We got a fire in section fifty charlie. Isabel: That must be where they are. Michael: Let's go this way here. That's it! They use their powers to blast the door. Fire comes out of the door. Michael: I can't put it out. Isabel: Valenti, Max are you in there? Valenti jumps out the door. Isabel: Where's Max? Jim, where's my brother! Jim: He's dead. Isabel: What! No! No! Jim: Come on this whole place is going to go up. Isabel: No I'm not going without him. Jim: He's dead. I saw his body burn to ash. He's dead. (He grabs Isable and hauls her outside) Isabel: No! No! Jim: Michael go! Come on! Isabel: Michael, no! Jim: Let's go! (Michael stares at the flames and then runs) Outside. Jim: When he hit the floor, flames poured out from his body. It started the fire. Isabel: No. He can't be dead. He can't be dead. Jim: When I tried to get to him his body collapsed into dust. Michael: There they are. Clayton, his wife and the goons escaping into a black sedan. Jim: Yeah but they're armed. (They run) Wait damn it! Mrs. Wheeler: Take care of them. Michael and Isabel use their powers on the car. The goons shoot and miss Michael but Isabel Gets shot and Clayton gets away. Michael: Wha! Jim: It's bad. Give me your shirt. Isabel: I think I've been shot. Max. Max. Jim: You're gonna be alright. Just hang on. Suddenly Jesse runs up screaming. Jesse: Isabel! Isabel: Max. Jim: Just stay awake. Jesse: Isabel! Oh my gosh. Jim: She's been shot. I don't know how bad it is. Isabel: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jesse: Oh my gosh. Have you called an ambulance? (he starts dialing on his cellphone) Michael: (He grabs for Jesse's cell phone) No, no no no! Jesse: What's wrong with you! Michael: No Ambulance! No hospital! Jesse: She'll die you idiot! (He punches Michael in the face) Michael tackles him. Michael: Just no. Jesse: What the hell is wrong with you! Michael: Hey you can't take her to the hospital. You can't. Jesse: Why! Tell me why! Michael: Because your wife isn't human. Ok, understand that! Your wife is not human. Jesse: Stop the crap! (he knocks Michael off of him and starts to Isabel) Jim: Remerez! Look! Isabel starts drawing energy or something from the ground with her hands. Jim: It's true Jesse. I know you don't want to accept it but it's true. She's not human. Jesse: Wha? Michael: She's alien. We both are. Back at the dorm. Maria: (on the phone) Michael it's Maria. Please pick up the phone cause Liz has this completely Wrong idea that something's happened to Max. And I, I just, I really need someone in Roswell To pick up the phone. (Hangs up) Maybe I should try Isabel and Jesse I mean they might all be At the movies or something. Liz: Max is dead, I know it. Maria: We don't know anything yet ok? I mean, just because you have this feeling and I really Respect the connection you and Max have or whatever. But we don't know anything yet ok. Liz: Uh, I need some time. Maria: Ok but when I get in touch with someone and this turns out to be whatever it turns out to Be I'm gonna come find you. Ok? (Liz walks away) Liz: Yeah. Maria: Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael. Pick up the phone, please. In the car the phone is ringing. Isabel is getting a lot worse and they are driving like madmen. Jesse: Hello, This is Jesse, yeah. Can you hear me? Hello. Jim: Can you turn that thing off! (Michael hands Jesse his phone) Jesse: Hello, this is Jesse. Can you hear me I can barely hear you. Can you hear me? Isabel: Jesse. Jesse: Just hang on ok. Just hang on. Look yeah, I've got an emergency, yeah my wife's been Shot. If I could go to a hospital I wouldn't be calling you! L-Look, Hello! ?Danny? Michael: T-the shirts soaked through, what do I do? Jim: You keep the pressure on, we can't do anything about it now. Isabel: No. Max. Michael: No Max isn't here, we're gonna take care of this. Wake up. Wake up, don't leave us, Just, are you sure about this doctor? Jesse: He's not a doctor anymore. He's an old friend from the neighbourhood. Michael: What the hell does that mean! Jesse: It means just shut up and let me just Paul Yes. One shot through the abdomin uh, a Handgun probably Jim: Sig, nine mil. Jesse: A nine millemetre. Look, just, just meet me at my apartment ok, the address is 126 Jim: Go to my house. It's closer. At Jim's house. They bang in the door. Michael: Alright get her on the couch. Jim: Got her, got her. Kyle comes in from his room. Kyle: What's going on. Oh my gosh, what happened? Jim: She's been shot. Kyle: What? Jim: Kyle, there's a trama kit in the garage. Get it. Just go! Jesse: Everything's gonna be ok. Everything's gonna be. Isabel: I don't wanna die. Please. Please. I don't wanna die. Jesse: You won't I promise. Ok. Look, just do something! Jim: I'm doing everything I can. Michael: Where's that doctor! Jim: Kyle! Jesse: He'll be here! (Kyle comes running in from the garage) Jim: Kyle! Kyle: She needs Max, where's Max? Michael: Max is dead. Isabel: Max. Kyle: What? Michael: Max is dead alright! Isabel: Max! No. Someone knocks on the door. Michael gets up to get it. Michael: Hold this. (he opens the door) Are you the doctor? Over there. Doctor: Yeah. Clear out, clear out, give me some room. Jesse: Oh Thank God. Doctor: Ok, I got it. Let me take a look here. Jesse: Doc, is she ok. Is she gonna be ok? Doctor: I'm gonna have to go in and find the bullet, see what damage we're dealing with. Clear that table. You in my car there's a tank, a monitor, a ventalator bag and a uh blanket Tied with a cord ok? Ok, I can't make any promises Jesse she's lost a lot of blood ok. Jesse: Do everything you can ok, just everything you can. Its ok, it's gonna be ok. Everything's gonna be alright. Doctor: Alright let's get her up on the table alright. Brace, brace, brace. Jim: You got it. Jesse: Got it. Doctor: One, two, three, ready lift. Easy, easy does it. Get her middle. Let her down easy. Let her down easy. Let her down easy Tank right here, monitor there, bag on the counter, give me the blanket over here. Alright, she's gonna need a transfusion. Anyone know her blood type? Michael: Uh, yeah, I'm her type. Doctor: Ok, who can tap this kid's vein? Jim: I can. Doctor: Alright, let's get to work guys. At Clayton Wheeler's house. Clayton is laying in his bed under the covers. Mrs. Wheeler: Clayton. Clayton, can you hear me. Clayton: Where am I? Mrs. Wheeler: Clayton? Clayton: Madiss, Madiss, is that you? (She pulls back the covers and sees Max at least his face anyway) Mariss: Oh my gosh. Clayton: I feel like someone walked over my grave. What? What! (she grabs a mirror and he sees his hand) Oh my gosh, look at my hand. Mariss. Look at my hand! Mariss: Clayton you really should look at this. Clayton: That's not me. This can't be me. (he jumps out of the bed) I'm not him. I Mariss: It's all right. Clayton, it's all right. (he walks to a mirror on the wall) Clayton: This is impossible. Mariss: He was trying to heal you. I saw him. He was, he was trying to reguvinate you to Oh gosh to make you young again. Clayton: Why. Why make me look like, like him. Where is he, I want to talk with him. Mariss: He's a pile of ash. Just like the rest of the Meta-chem plant by now. Clayton: So this is me? Now. This is my body. Mariss: You know it's not a bad one. Clayton: That alien boy must have worked out. Mariss: Clayton. You know I have always loved you just the way you were but, This does open up a whole new set of possibilities for, our relationship. (he turns, kisses her, picks her up and puts her on the bed) Back at the dorm. Liz walks under a gazebo and sits on a bench. Maria runs up and stops. Maria: I-I got in touch with Michael. (she starts crying) I'm so sorry. She comes and sits by Liz. Liz: I knew it. How. Maria: Um. He died um, in a fire trying to save Valenti's life. Michael said that he was Really heroic. I'm so sorry. Liz hugs Maria and they both cry. Back at the Wheeler house. Clayton and Mariss are making out. Mariss: Oh, please. My gosh, Clayton. Suddenly Clayton gets all these flashes of Liz and Max together. Mariss: Don't stop. Clayton: (in pain) Something. Something's wrong. (he gets more flashes) Clayton/Max: LIZ! Mariss: Clayton, what happened? Clayton: I saw this, this girl. Mariss: A girl? Clayton: Yes. Brown hair. Brown eyes. About eighteen years old. Mariss: Great! Clayton: This is serious. She's somebody Max Evans knows. Someone from his life. Mariss: You must've gotten some of his memories. Clayton, come back to bed. (he walks back over to the mirror) Clayton: He is in there. He's inside my head. Mariss: Who? Clayton: Max Evans. He's still alive. He's in my head. His head. This head. (Mariss gets up out of bed) I know your in there Max. I know you are. You want something don't you. What is it you want? (he gets a flash of Liz) Liz. Mariss: What was that? Clayton are you alright? Clayton: Is the gulfstream fueled and ready to go? Mariss: Always. Where are we going? Clayton: Vermont. We're going to Vermont. Back at Valenti's house. Kyle is cleaning up the mess. Doctor: She's far from ok. I removed her spleen and tried to repair the liver but it's meatball Surgery at best. The real question is whether infection sets in. If that happens. Michael: What? Doctor: Well to have a fighting chance she'll need a lot more than I can do in your dining Room. She'll need a hospital. Michael: That's not an option. Kyle: Neither is letting her die. Jim: No one's dying yet. We don't have to face that decision right now. Let's just wait and See what happens. Ok? Jesse walks in the living room from the bedroom and puts on his coat. Jesse: She's uh, she's still sleeping. (he looks at Michael) You and me, outside. Doctor: Do you mind if I smoke? Jim: No, go ahead. Kyle: Can't imagine why you lost your license. Back at the dorm. Ilene: Are you sure you won't change your mind? I mean, spending spring break in this place? You'll be the only one here. Even the faculty heads for the hills. Liz: No, you know the fewer people around here right now the better. Ilene: Ok. (Maria comes in the door) Maria: Hey. (to Liz) hi. I'm Maria. I'm the best friend. Ilene: I'm Ilene. The roommate. (they shake hands and Liz makes a face and gets up from her bed and leaves) Liz: I'm outta here. (they both watch her go) Later. Ilene: Uh, what's going on with Liz? Did something happen with her ex? Maria: Yeah, he's um, he's dead. Up in the attic. Liz tries to open the bar door and it won't open. So she hits it a couple of times and then Suddenly it explodes and she is thrown. Her hand starts glowing again and she screams. Back at Valenti's. Michael and Jesse are in the backyard talking. Jesse: Do it again. Michael: Jesse. Jesse: Look, just do it again! (Michael makes the flowers bloom and unbloom using his powers) Jesse: Son of a. b Michael: How many times do I have to do this? Jesse: I don't know. You know you tell me this crazy story about another planet and And kings and shapeshifters dup, pod chambers and every time I come close to believing It I start worrying that I'm strapped down in a room somewhere because I've lost my mind. Ok, so just keep doing it until I can accept that I am seeing it and that I am really here. Doctor: Ok. Ok. What the hell's going on here? Jesse: What are you talking about? Doctor: Isabel has a temperature of a hundred and twelve. Jesse: One, twelve? Doctor: And rising Michael: How high can it get before it gets dangerous? Doctor: Dangerous? Let me tell you something. A hundred and seven is considered Fatal in most cases. I've never even heard of a temperature of a hundred and eight. Now obviously I'm not supposed to ask any questions but if there's something about Isabel that I should know? If there's something that can help me, you might want to consider telling me. Michael: There's nothing we can tell you that would be of any use. Doctor: Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the house. Kyle is sitting with Isabel. Kyle: You know I was a, I was thinking. You see you're supposed to say there's a first time for everything. (he laughs) Anyway I was thinking that um since Liz got some alien powers when Max saved her life that you know maybe I've got some alien juice too. Maybe I've got the power to heal. (he sniffs and Jesse walks in) So let's just give it a, give it a try. (he puts his hand on her and bows his head and starts crying) It was worth a shot. (Jesse leaves) You know me, I'll try anything once. Back at the dorm, Liz is in the attic with a bottle. Maria walks up. Maria: Hi. Liz: How's Isabel? Maria: Not good. Michael says that her fever's up to a hundred and fifteen now. Liz: Wow. That's really high. Maria: Yeah. Liz: (looks out the window she's sitting on) It's really high. It's a really really long way down. Maria: Liz, could you not be by the window right now, please. Liz: Oh don't worry. I'm not gonna jump. Maria: And now what happened over here? (she points to the power blasted bar) Liz: Oh that? My powers are back. Psh. (she holds up her hand) Maria: Powers I though that Liz: That they would go away because Max died. Guess not. (she takes another drink) Maria: Alright enough (she grabs the bottle) Liz: No, you're right. You're right. (she gets up and grabs another bottle) Maria: Damn it Liz. Liz: Damn it Maria! Maria: Ok look, I understand what you're going through. I really do, but getting drunk is not gonna Help anything! Liz: Really you do, you understand what I'm going through? Is Michael dead? Because Max is! And you know all of those things that I've been dreaming about for the past three years? Well they Are now gone! So why don't you explain to me how you understand what I am going through. Maria: You know what. I'm just, I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this. Liz: Why? Because I'm an angry drunk? Well that's just you know what, that's just, that's too bad. I'm gonna go get some air. She walks outside, and steps onto the grass and falls. She starts to laugh. When she looks up Max/ Clayton is standing over her. Liz: (she starts laughing again) You're not here. You're a dream. He bends down to her. Liz: Ok. Ok, this isn't funny any more. I just, I need to wake up, you need to go away. Ok. Just go away! (she goes to push him away and gets a flash) Oh my gosh, Max! (she hugs him and Then kisses him, while Mariss watches from behind a wall) Suddenly her powers come back and she shocks him and he falls back. Liz: Max? What th ? What's, what's the matter Max? Are you, are you ok? Max? (he starts seeing Things really blurry) Are you alright? What's the matter Max? Oh my gosh. Oh my, Max? He stands up. Max: No! No! (he runs away) Liz: Max! Max! Come back! Then Liz passes out. Back at Valenti's Michael is sitting with Isabel. Michael: First day of school, third grade. I'm standing by the lunchline argueing with that ass Mr Trevors. He tells me that the cafeteria won't take my food stamps. I say they're for food aren't they? And he looks down on me, and he says with that scraggly mustache and that stupid comb over. He says uh, I don't take lip from welfare punks. I'm about to kick his balls up into his throat. But then I feel someone watching me. It feels like a heat lamp turned on in the back of my neck and I turn around and uh, there you were. Just sitting at a table all by your self. You're just staring right at me. So I walk over and I sit down. You're still staring at me with those big eyes. And uh, you pushed your tray of food over to me and you said you can have my lunch. Right then, I knew you were different. No, but you were different like I was different. Only people liked you and they wanted you around. I want you around. (he starts crying) I want You around so please don't go. (he squeezes her hand and it starts to glow) Isabel suddenly places her hand on his head. Isabel: You still owe me for that lunch. Michael: Hey guys! Guys come on get in here quick! They all come running. Isabel: Jesse. Jesse: I'm right here. Doctor: Vitals are steady. (checks her temperature) Temperatures down to one o' two. Hell I need a cigarette. Isabel: I hear Michael. I heard you. I was somewhere else but I followed your voice back. Back in the school library. Mariss: Alright Clayton listen. You have got to take control of this. Max/Clayton: I can't. I have to go to her. I-I have to. She's the love of my life. Mariss: Look at me. Listen to me. I have spent the last ten years of my life trying to find A cure for you, Clayton! I have stolen patents for you, God Clayton I've even killed people for you. Now I didn't come this far to see you just throw it all away on some adolesent crush. Max/Clayton: Its more than that. It's Max. He wants to take over. I can feel him fighting for Control. He wants to be with Liz. Be with Liz. Mariss: Alright here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get rid of that girl. Max/Clayton: Liz. No! No I love her! Mariss: No. Clayton you are not thinking clearly. Look. You don't love her. Max does. And as long as she's alive he has something to, to hold on to. Something to fight for. But see if she were dead. He would have to give up then, all those voices inside your head Would stop. Max/Clayton: But I, No I love her. Mariss: Don't say that! Just forget about that! You have to kill her. Clayton. You have to kill the thing you love to be free. You have to kill the one you love to be free. Clayton you have to kill her. Do you understand what I am saying? Clayton. Damn it Clayton! Listen to me. Strap on a pair, and take control here. You have to kill the one you love to be Free. You have to kill He grabs her by the throat and breaks her neck. Max/Clayton: Liz. Back at Valenti's. Jesse hands the Doctor an envelope of money. Jesse: Here you go. You can count it if you want. Doctor: You're the last person I'm worried's gonna stiff me Jesse. Jesse: You're the guy Diagenis was looking for. You know Diagenis, walked around Athens Looking for Jesse: Looking for an honest man. Doctor: Yeah. Jesse: I went to collage. Doctor: (he laughs) So did I. Now look at me. Unlicensed, unwanted and unloved. All because I wrote a few perscriptions for a few friends. Jesse: They weren't your friends Paul. Expecially not the one that turned out to be a Fed. Paul: True. But you know what the truth is? Ultimately I lost my license because, because I'm Not an honest guy. Now I know your friends in there. Jesse: Goodbye Paul. Paul: You're involved in something here. I don't know what it is and I don't want to know. But its wrapped up in lies within lies and that's not what you're about. You're one of the good Guys Jesse. Jesse: So are my friends. Paul: They're liars. You can't trust them. Not when it counts. Not when it comes time to Chant down Babylon and destroy the plans of wicked men. Bob Marley. Jesse: Yeah. I got the referance. Paul: (he shakes Jesse's hand) Good luck Jesse. Jesse: Thanks. Back at the dorm. Maria brings Liz back into the dorm room and makes her a hangover drink. Liz: Where am I? Maria: I brought you back to your room. Liz: Oh you brought me ow! Maria: Yes. Ow. (she turns on the light and Liz shields her eyes with a moan) Here you go, come on. Take this. (she hands her a drink) Its what my mom drinks for Hangovers. Come on. Liz: Ah, it's so cold. Maria: Yes. You're so cold. You were lying out in the frozen tundra for about a half an hour Before I found you. You're lucky you didn't freeze to death. Liz: Thanks Maria. Maria: No problem. That's what I'm here for. Now do me a favor. Liz: Mmm. Maria: Repeat after me. I'm sorry Maria. Liz: I'm sorry Maria. Maria: (she laughs) Ok. You're forgiven. Liz: Do I want to know what I did to be sorry for? Maria: N-Let it go. I have. Max is on his way up to Liz's Dorm. He looks up at the light in her room. Back in Liz's room. She jumps up. Liz: Max is here. Maria: What? Liz: I saw him. Maria: What, Wait. Liz: No Maria. I saw him today. I-I fell down or something. And he was standing over me. And then he kissed me. I th-I think. Maria: No Pumpkin. You were dreaming. Liz: Yeah. I guess I must've been. Maria: Yeah. You had a lot to drink. Liz: I should probably go take a shower. Maria: I'm forced to agree. Liz: (she laughs) ok. (she grabs her housecoat and turns to Maria) You are like the most special Person in the world to me. She hugs Maria Maria: Right back at you. Maria puts on some tunes on while Liz goes to get a shower. While she is listening to the music Max/Clayton comes up behind her and tries to strangle her. Liz comes back and stops him. Liz: Max? He drops her on the bed. Liz: What's going on Max? Max/Clayton: Clayton. She slams the door on him and runs to the attic. He follows her. Liz: Stay away from me! Whatever you are! Just stay away! She starts throwing things at him. Then she picks up a coat rack and tries to hit him with it. Suddenly he grabs her by the throat and tries to strangle her. She sends him flying with a bolt of energy and grabs a club. Max: Liz? Liz: Max? Max! (she gets down on her hands and knees) Max: No! No! You're in danger. Liz: Max. What, what. What happened to you. Max: I don't know I'm in this body but its not really me. Liz: Oh my gosh. Ok. Ok. Let me help you. Max: Shut up! There's no time. I can't hold on much longer I. You have to kill this body. You have to stop Clayton. Liz shakes her head. Liz: No. Max: Liz you have to! He'll kill you if you don't. Liz. Please. Take the club. Do it. Liz: Max. Max: DO IT! She gets up and picks up the club. Max: Do it. Liz: I'm so sorry max. I love you. But she misses and Clayton comes back and grabs her again. So she manages to hit him over the head and knocks the both of them out of the window. Suddenly there are flashes of Max and her together. Max sees Liz falling and uses his powers to stop her fall as he crashes to the ground. Max: NOOO! She falls into a green kindof net and lands safely. Back at Valenti's. Jesse and Isabel talk. Isabel: Are we ok? Jesse: I don't know. I mean I look at you and I know I love you. Isabel: But I lied to you. I always knew in my heart that you would never forgive me for that. Jesse: That's not it. I mean, yeah, I'm hurt that you lied to me but I can get past that. Isabel: You can? Jesse: Yeah. Yeah eventually. I mean look, I''m not perfect I've told a lie or two and, and you I mean Hell, you, you had to grow up lying to everyone around you. Just became second nature to You. Isabel: Baby, it was never, never about you. It's just that lying about who I am is a given. Jesse: And you're really good at it. Isabel, you are really good. Isabel: That's what the real problem is, isn't it. Not that I lied but that I'm good at it. Jesse: I believed you completely. I mean, strange things would happen and I never doubted That I knew you. That I knew who my wife really was. Man I married Isabel Evans, and there Is no Isabel Evans. Isabel is-is this person you hide behind. I-I just Isabel: You're right. You're right about everything. And even though I'm a, a really good Liar. I want you to know that I'm telling the truth when I say I love you. And I love being Your wife. Jesse: Ok. Isabel: Where do we go from here? Jesse: I have no idea. Back at the dorm. Liz gets up and checks Max for a pulse. She doesn't find one. She kisses him and something happens. She sees Clayton and then he disappears. Liz: Max? Max: Liz. You brought me back. Liz: (she smiles) I guess that makes us even. She helps him up and hugs him as Maria comes through the bushes. Maria: What happened? Liz: Let's go home. So they start walking back.

Plan: A: Jesse; Q: Who quizzes Michael about Isabel's alien roots? A: a discredited doctor; Q: Who do Michael, Jesse, and Valenti call on to help Isabel? A: Clayton Wheeler; Q: Who is drawn to Liz? A: an amazing transformation; Q: What does Clayton Wheeler undergo? Summary: Michael, Jesse, and Valenti call on a discredited doctor to help the wounded Isabel. Also, Clayton Wheeler undergoes an amazing transformation and soon finds himself drawn to Liz. Jesse quizzes Michael about Isabel's alien roots.

Act One. Scene One: The Frasier Crane Show. Frasier is at his console. Frasier: [on-air] Hello, Rachel. I'm listening. Rachel: [v.o.] Oh, thanks for taking my call, Dr. Crane. Um, I'm involved in sort of a strange love triangle. Frasier: [off-air, to Roz] Oh goody, this is sweeps week! [on-air] Rachel: You see, I recently married a widower. Now, Phil's a real good man, he's a kind man. But there's just one little problem. He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes on the dresser in our bedroom. Frasier: That is a definite "Yikes." Rachel: See, I knew that wasn't normal. He says it is, but I knew it wasn't! Frasier: All right, Rachel, Rachel, now listen. Before you go off half-cocked, let's try to remember this is a very sensitive issue for your husband. Obviously those ashes mean a very great deal to him. And although I don't believe it's appropriate that he keep them in the bedroom, I suppose you could maybe move them to another room? Rachel: Well, I guess I could try that. Maybe I'll move them into the guest room. [sound of crockery breaking] Oops. Frasier: Rachel, what happened? Rachel: Oh... oh, nothing. I gotta run, Dr. Crane. I've got some vacuuming to do. The line goes dead. Frasier: Well, as Rachel helps Phil's wife off the floor, we have reached the end of our second hour. Now, we'll be right back after the news, so please join me again, Frasier Crane and my invaluable producer... ah... [ohmygod, what's her name? It's, it's...] Roz: ROZ! Frasier: Roz! KACL Talk radio, 780 AM. He goes off the air, and goes into Roz's area. Frasier: Roz, I'm so sorry. Your name was right there in front of me and I just couldn't put my finger on it. Roz: Oh, forget about it. I already have. Frasier: Well, it's been happening to me a lot lately. Last night I walked into the kitchen and I just stood there. I couldn't remember what I'd gone in there for. Roz: Don't make yourself crazy over it, it's completely normal. Oh, by the way, you hair stylist called to confirm your appointment. Frasier: I made an appointment with Timo? I don't remember that. Roz: That's 'cause you didn't, I was just gas-lighting you. Frasier: That is not funny! Roz: Oh, lighten up. Here, sign these. [hand him some forms] So aren't you gonna say it, or are you going to make me wait 'til the end of the day? Frasier: Say what? Roz: Happy birthday. Frasier: It is not your birthday. [sees her stricken face] Oh, God. Oh God, it is. Oh, oh Roz, I'm so sorry! Let me take you out to lunch after work, okay? Roz: [laughing] You are so easy! Frasier: That's it. I'm outta here! [exits into corridor] Roz: Hey, wait, wait, wait. Aren't you forgetting something? Frasier: No, I am not forgetting anything, thank you, Roz. He walks away. Roz: Okay. Well, can't blame a girl for trying. Five, four, three... Frasier rushes back to his console. Roz: Two... Frasier: [on air] We're back. [SCENE_BREAK] THE SHORT BLONDE MAN WITH ONE WET SHOE Scene Two: Frasier's apartment. Martin and Niles are playing Canasta. Eddie is worrying Niles's shoe. Niles: Ten. Martin: Fifteen-two. Niles: No! [then] Dad, would you ask your dog to stop burrowing at my shoes? I'll have you know I had to wait six months to have these shipped for a little blind cobbler in Seville. Martin: He won't stop until you scratch him behind the ear. Niles: Oh, all right Eddie, all right. He wraps a finger in his handkerchief and scratches Eddie's ear. Eddie runs off, contented. Niles: You know, I'm beginning to this I have an affinity towards animals. He goes to throw the handkerchief away. Frasier enters from his bedroom. Frasier: Would either of you mind if I noodled at the piano for a bit? Niles: Would it really stop you if we said "Yes?" Frasier: Point well taken. He sits at the piano and starts to play, but loses the tune at around the sixth bar. Frasier: That's strange. For the life of me, I can't remember what the next note is. [tries again, but stumbles at the same point] I know this piece backwards and forwards. Niles: Perhaps if you start at the end you'll have better luck. Frasier tries again, but is still stuck. Martin: Oh, come on Frasier. You know how it goes. It goes, "da dada da da, da dada..." Frasier: Oh, thank you dad. Now it's perfectly clear. [tries once more, then gives up in disgust] Martin: That was very nice, son. Now how about something from "South Pacific?" Frasier: I'm sorry. Just getting fed up with this nonsense. I'm forgetting names all the time. You know, last week, twice I forgot where I parked my car. Martin: Join the club, pal. You're getting older. Frasier: Oh, well of course I'm getting older. We're all getting older. But I'm not that old. Niles: Oh, I'm afraid dad may have a point. I know you'd like to believe we're still the same devilish sprigs we always were. Sitting on mother's davenport in our tweeds and tans, listening to the Texaco symphonic hour. The cold-hearted reality is, you're middle-aged. Frasier: Niles, I'm forty-one. That's hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like fifty, fifty-five. Niles: Only if you live to be one hundred and ten. Daphne enters from bedroom, putting on her coat. Daphne: I'm all ready to go, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Niles, where are you two off to? Niles: I'm giving Daphne a lift. Daphne: I'm meeting some of my girlfriends for darts and a couple of pints. Oh, it's best to do it in that order. Just ask Blind Willie, the bartender. Frasier: Listen Daphne, before you go, I'd like to ask you a little question here. When you look at me, um, do you see me as a young man, or as an older man? Daphne: Oh, no. No, you don't. You're not getting me into that Vietnam. I learned a long time ago there are three questions you never answer honestly. "How old do I look?" "Do you like my hair?" and "Was it good for you too?" [to Niles] Coming, Dr. Crane? ...Dr. Crane? Niles: I'm sorry, I was someplace else. [to Frasier] It was a warm and friendly place. He and Daphne leave. Frasier: Big surprise, I got a headache. Let me get an aspirin. The very suggestion that I'm descending into old age just because I can't remember a couple of names, or a tune on the piano. He takes a medicine bottle out of the cupboard, but has trouble reading the label. Martin: Your arm's not quite long enough for that, is it? Let me ask you a few questions. Can you get through the night without getting up to go to the john? Can you get in and out of a chair without going "Mmmm?" Can you eat a slice of pizza less than twelve hours before you go to bed? Frasier: [after a beat] What's on the pizza? Martin: A-ha. I thought so. Alright, well now we've established you're middle-aged. Take some advice: don't fight it, it'll go a lot easier. Frasier: Good lord, dad, what are you suggesting? I'm gonna rush off to a plastic surgeon to get an eye lift and a chin tuck? [examines his face in a silver plate] Oh, dear god! Martin: [looking in family album] I'm just telling you, when guys get to this stage they do some squirrelly things that they never would have done when they were younger. Frasier: Dad, please spare me, I am a psychiatrist, I know the routine. [notices the photograph Martin is pointing to] Good lord, who is that? Martin: That's me. In '74. Going through my own little stage. I'd dyed my hair jet black and bought a leather jacket and a Harley Davidson. Frasier: My God, dad. You look like one of the Village People. Martin: Well, fortunately I came to my senses before you got back from Harvard that summer. Frasier: Are those love beads? Martin: All right, that's enough. Just do me a favour, will ya? Keep your guard up, and don't do something stupid, all right? Frasier: Okay, dad. Martin: You may think it's tough being middle-aged, but think about me. I got a son who's middle-aged. He exits to his bedroom as Frasier settles onto the couch. Frasier: Ahhhh... Martin: [o.s.] I heard that! End Of Act One. Act Two. IT'S THIS OR AN ALFA ROMEO Scene One: Department store, gents casual. Frasier and Martin enter. Martin: Say, didn't this used to be Pinski's department store? Frasier: I have no idea. Martin: Sure it was. we used to bring you kids here all the time. Man, it was a great store. You could buy lingerie, a bag of popcorn and transmission fluid, all under the same roof. Frasier: Finally, something I'm glad I forgot. Daphne enters. Daphne: Well, Mr. Crane, I believe I came here on a mission. Martin: Alright, but remember, I don't want anything fancy or that comes in tubes. I want them white, I want them plain, and I want them boxers. Daphne: That's the exactly the kind of lack of imagination that sunk the British Empire. She goes off to look at underwear. Martin: Hey, Frasier. Check out these dress pants. They got elastic panels in the waist. You could eat all you want, and never worry about cutting off your circulation. Frasier: Milan must be beside itself. What an innovative use of synthetic fibres. I believe if you recycle these, you can turn them into milk containers. Martin: Are you gonna get them or not? Frasier: You brought these over for me?! Martin: Hey, the sands of time are shifting, buddy - mostly south! Listen, if you don't want to go with elastic, maybe you could go with suspenders. That way, if you keep your jacket closed, that little gut of yours can hang down to here and nobody's any the wiser. Frasier: I do not have a gut! [looks at himself sideways in the mirror] I have... contours. A salesgirl (Carrie) comes over. Carrie: Excuse me. I was wondering if anyone was helping you? Martin: [seeing Daphne] Oh, no. She's looking at something with stripes! [goes over] Daphne! Daphne, get away from there! Carrie: [to Frasier, indicating elastic pants] You're not thinking of getting those, are you? Frasier: Oh, no. Carrie: I have something much better over here. [gets another pair] What do you think of these? They don't do much on the hanger but, they could really work on a nice, tall guy like you. Frasier: Oh, you really think so? Carrie: Yeah. You've got a great build. Frasier: Oh, well. Thank you very much, ah...? Carrie: Carrie. Frasier: Ah, Carrie. Carrie: Let's see what we can get working here. Um, [picks up sweater] This is kind of a young look, but you could really pull it off. Frasier: ...I don't really think it's me. Carrie: Are you sure? I think this would look really good on you. Frasier: Well, I suppose I could try it on. But you know, just out of curiosity, how old do you think I am? Carrie: Oh, I don't want to do that. Frasier: No, no, no, please go ahead. Carrie: I don't know. Um... thirty-six? Frasier: Are you serious? Carrie: Oh, God. I'm sorry. You're probably more like thirty-four. Now you don't want to buy anything from me. Frasier: Are those Armani shirts expensive? Carrie: Yeah. Frasier: I'll take two! Carrie: Great! Changing room's right this way. You know, I love to guess what my customers do by what they wear. Let me guess. You're an architect, right? Frasier: No, I'm a psychiatrist. Carrie: Oh. I've taken some psychiatry courses. What are you, Freudian? Reichian? Frasier: Well actually, lately I've been leaning more towards Jung. Guess that's because I'm "Jung at heart." They both laugh. [N.B. This episode was apparently written before the establishment of the Freud/Jung rivalry between Frasier and Niles.] Frasier: Gotta be the oldest joke in the psychiatrist's joke book. Can't believe I said it. [goes into changing booth] Carrie: I can't believe I laughed at that. Frasier: I bet you laugh at all of your customer's jokes. Carrie: No. Just the cute ones. Frasier: ...Cute jokes or customers? Carrie: You figure it out. [leaves] Time lapse. Carrie points Martin to Frasier's changing booth. He goes over. Martin: Hey, you about ready? Frasier: Oh, just a second, dad, I'm trying on a pair of pants. Hey, did you notice that girl who came over and asked to help us earlier? Martin: Sure I noticed her. I'm not dead. Frasier: Well you know, we just had a little conversation a minute ago and uh, I could swear she was flirting with me. Martin: [taking a good look at Carrie] Trust me son, she's on commission. Frasier: Oh no, I know a sales pitch when I hear one, and that was no sales pitch. She's definitely interested in me. Think I may have to see where this may lead. Martin: I know you're forgetting things lately, but don't you remember the little talk we had last night? Frasier: [realizing] Oh, dear. It sneaks right up on you, doesn't it? What am I thinking about? A forty-one year-old man going out with a girl that's twenty-two, twenty-three? Martin: Yeah. Young enough to be your daughter. Frasier: Yes, thank you for pointing that out, dad. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two: KACL radio station. Frasier is doing his show. Frasier: [on air] This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780 talk radio, thanking you for joining us today. Up next, Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe and the "Gonzo Sports Show." Until tomorrow, here's wishing you good mental health. [off air] Bulldog enters with his effects trolley. Bulldog: Hey, doc. Hear the great news? Ken Griffey Junior's groin pull is completely healed. Frasier: Thank goodness. I'm sure years from now we'll all remember where we were the moment we heard the joyful news. Carrie enters, carrying a garment bag. Carrie: Excuse me, Dr. Crane? Frasier: Hi, Carrie. Carrie: Hi. I have your pants. Bulldog: Whoa, doc! [honks horn] Where'd you leave them? Frasier: They're new, Bulldog. Some of the finer department stores deliver garments to their busier customers. Carrie: Actually, we don't. I just thought it would be nice to see you again. Bulldog: [to Carrie] Excuse me. You look very familiar. Didn't I let you pour a flaming tequila shooter down my throat at Sloppy Nick's during ah, last year's Indy 500? Carrie: Ah, no. Bulldog: Well, what are you doing next Memorial Day? Frasier: Bulldog, as certain as I am that any young lady in the world would love to set your face on fire, Carrie, I believe, is here to see me. Bulldog: Okay. Hey, you can't blame a dog for trying. [going into Roz's booth] Just on the off chance it might make a difference, I ah, drive a '94 Camaro. He exits. Carrie: Is he gay? [Frasier looks at her, surprised] Well, I've been studying about this in school, and it seems like he's really overcompensating. Frasier: Yes, well, I'm not sure. [smiles] But I certainly look forward to running that theory by him. Well um, thank you for the pants, Carrie, and uh, do I owe you anything? Carrie: Oh, no. I really enjoyed meeting you yesterday, and it seemed like we had a few laughs together and, maybe we could, you know, go out and have a cup of coffee sometime? Frasier: I'm very flattered that you'd like to go out with me, and uh, jeez, I think you're a beautiful young woman.. Carrie: But? Frasier: Well it's, it's our ages. I mean, how old are you? Carrie: Twenty-two. How old are you? Frasier: That's not polite. I just don't think it would be appropriate for us to date. Carrie: How about we just live together? [then] I'm just trying to lighten an uncomfortable moment. Frasier: Right. Ha-ha. Well done. Carrie: Well, I'm sorry. But if you change your mind you know where I am. Enjoy your pants. Frasier: Same to you. Carrie leaves. Bulldog comes back. Bulldog: I only got a second here, but... [raps on Frasier's forehead, hard] HELLO? ANYONE THERE? [Roz enters] She wanted to go out with you. You didn't have to chase her. You didn't have to harass her. You didn't have to pay her! It was like, a miracle. Frasier: She's too young. Bulldog: [to Roz] Are you following any of this? Frasier: I don't expect you to understand. Bulldog: Great. 'Cause I don't. So you're not going out with her? Frasier: No, I'm not. Bulldog: Good. I'm going to see if I can catch up with her at the elevator. Maybe she's never dated a former professional hockey player before. Frasier: You never played hockey. Bulldog: [bewildered] It's like we're from different planets! [exits] Roz: Talk about pathetic. Frasier: Yes, isn't he though? Roz: I meant you. Frasier: Me? What, are you saying I should go out with her? Roz: Frasier, take it from me. It's hard enough to find somebody. So when an opportunity like this comes along, you gotta grab it. Frasier: Roz, what about the age thing? Roz: Well, what about it? Frasier: Oh, come on! You see an old man walking down the street arm in arm with a beautiful young girl, what do you think? Roz: I think he must be really rich. Then I try to make eye contact. [SCENE_BREAK] STANLEY BARRISTER MUST BE REALLY, REALLY RICH Scene Three: Cafe Nervosa. Niles joins Frasier. Niles: There you are, Frasier. I'm so glad you called me. Frasier: Well, thanks for coming, Niles. Niles: Some of Maris's friends introduced me to the most delightful party game last night. I can't wait to share it with you. Frasier: Well Niles, I'd really like to talk... Niles: No, no. Shh. This first, it's a hoot. If you were stranded on a desert island with one meal, one aria, and one bottle of wine, what would they be? Frasier: Niles, I really don't... Niles: Frasier, please. Frasier: Okay... A Big Mac, "I'm your Venus," and Ripple. Niles: ...If you're going to mock the game, then don't play. Frasier: Gladly. Niles: Are you still crabbed up about this middle-aged business? Frasier: No. No-no-no, I'm fine there. By the way, you were absolutely right, Niles. Niles: Ooh! I love to hear you say that. Frasier: Yes. But I do have a problem. You see, the other day I was asked out by a... this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall. Niles: That is alarming. Frasier: Well, I turned her down. Niles: No no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you? Frasier: Niles! No, I'm just wondering if I made the right decision. You see, I would, I would love to go out with this girl. She's fantastic. I'm just afraid of looking like some old fool chasing after a young girl. Becoming a walking mid-life crisis cliché. Running around like that buffoon Stanley Barrister. Touched off, they start talking over each other. Niles: Oh, Stanley Barrister. That is embarrassing, isn't it? Frasier: Oh, is that not beyond the pale? I mean, that girl - how old can she be? Niles: Twenty-one, if she's a day. Frasier: I saw them, it was last Tuesday night, together. Niles: Well, and I saw them together Wednesday morning. They stop as they realize. Both: Eww! Niles: That's disgusting. Frasier: That's what's so frightening. Well, this is what I'm afraid of. People will have the same conversation about me. Niles: Stanley Barrister is a sixty-year-old man who wears a toupee that looks like something he pulled out of a shower drain. You are forty-one, and obviously not wearing a toupee. Frasier: Thank you, Niles. So you think it would be okay to go out with this woman? Niles: Doesn't matter what I think. Frasier: Well, it does to me. You're my brother, I value your opinion. Niles: My opinion isn't relevant. Frasier: Don't be coy, Niles. And will you please stop pursing your lips? It makes you look like one of those old women they carve out of dried apples. Niles: [purses his lips once more, then] Don't you see? What I think about you dating a younger woman is immaterial. What we think about Stanley Barrister is immaterial. The only thing that matters is what you think. Ask yourself, if you went out with her, would you be doing it because you were running away from your age, or because you think this has the potential of becoming a meaningful relationship? Frasier: I don't know. Niles: Find out. And then to hell with what people think. Frasier: Niles, you are absolutely right. Niles: Oh! There it is again, I never tire of hearing that. Let the tongues of the doubting nabobs wag. If it feels right, make yourself happy. Frasier: Thank you, thank you. [gets up] Oh, by the way Niles, if you were stranded on a desert island, what would you choose as your favorite meal, aria and wine? Niles: The Coulibiliac of salmon at Guy Savoy, "Vissi d'Arte" from Tosca, and the [Coutre Roune Château] Neuf du Pape '47. Frasier: You are SO predictable. He walks out, leaving Niles gobsmacked. [SCENE_BREAK] I WONDER IF THAT ALFA ROMEO SHOWROOM IS STILL OPEN? Scene Four: The Department Store. Carrie is sorting some sweaters when Frasier comes in. Frasier: Carrie, hi. Carrie: Hi. I didn't expect to see you here. Frasier: Well um, I could lie to you and tell you I came here to shop, but actually I came here to see you. Carrie: That's great. I've been thinking about you a lot. Frasier: Well, I've been thinking a lot about you too, and I just wanted to chat a little bit about why I thought we shouldn't go out. Carrie: Okay. Frasier: Well, you see, I thought I was going through a phase. You know, well, a mid-life crisis to be frank. And ah, I was afraid if I went out with you I would be trying to recapture my youth or something. Carrie: Oh my God. I can't believe you're saying this. I was afraid that I asked you out only because I was trying to work out some stuff of my own. You know, some unresolved issues about my father or something. Frasier: Oh no, no. Because I went back and forth, you know? I felt like a fool, and then I didn't... Carrie: Me, too. Back and forth. Frasier: And then I thought maybe you just came along because, to fill some sort of a need or something. Carrie: Or, or maybe this could be something serious. Frasier: Exactly. So... well. All right, I asked myself a few tough questions.. Carrie: Me too. Frasier: And well, I finally came to a decision. Carrie: Me too. I think us going out would have been really stupid. Frasier: [forced enthusiasm] Me too! Carrie: It would have completely clouded things with my father, and you and I would never have been on a very firm footing. But you knew all that. You could have told me, but you just let me figure it out for myself. Frasier: Yes, I'm sort of like the Wizard of Oz. Carrie: It's no wonder everybody listens to your radio show. You're so smart. Frasier: ...Actually, I am full of crap. I had no idea that you might have been grappling with some personal issues here. Some psychiatrist, huh? The truth is, I came down here to talk you into going out with me. I guess it's still a pretty bad idea. Carrie: You're being so honest with me... that is such an attractive quality in a man. [she hugs him] Frasier: ...Well, you know, let's not go down that road again. Carrie: Okay. Frasier: See you around. Carrie turns back to her work. As Frasier leaves, he punches a mannequin with great force. She looks around at the noise, but he's already gone. End Of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne is folding Martin's boring white laundry as Eddie watches. With a flourish, she pulls a pair of striped boxers from a bag.

Plan: A: a tentative romance; Q: What kind of romance does Frasier strike up? A: several years; Q: How many years younger is the shop assistant than Frasier? Summary: Worrying about impending middle age, Frasier strikes up a tentative romance with a shop assistant several years his junior.

Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Gentlemen, Star Wars Day is rapidly approaching. We should finalize our plans. Penny: What? That's a real thing? What is it, Star Wars Christmas? Howard: No. Don't be ridiculous. That's Wookiee Life Day. Penny: So, when is it? Leonard: Uh, well, it's not May the fifth, and it's not May the third. It's May the fourth. Sheldon: Get it? Raj: May the fourth be with you? Leonard: May the force be with you. Get it? Penny: Oh, no. This face wasn't because I didn't get it. Credits sequence. Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. There is a knock on the door. Sheldon: Come in. Leonard: Hey, you got a second? Sheldon: Yes. Actually, I'm glad you're here. I'm working on the Star Wars Day schedule. Now, I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I'm worried an hour won't be enough time. Leonard: Sheldon, I've got some bad news. Sheldon: What is it? Leonard: I just read online that Arthur Jeffries passed away. Sheldon: Professor Proton is dead? Leonard: Sorry, buddy. Sheldon: What are you doing? Leonard: Comforting you? Sheldon: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren't. Leonard: Anyway, the, the funeral's on Sunday. Sheldon: But, that's Star Wars Day. Leonard: Yeah, um, of all the things about this that are sad, that might not be number one. You okay? I know he meant a lot to you. Sheldon: I'm fine. Leonard: Okay. Yet he cried when they changed the Raisin Bran box. Scene: Amy's apartment. Professor Proton (on youtube): This, uh, this is something interesting boys and girls. After an owl eats, he spits up part of his meal that he can't digest, in the form of a pellet. Is, isn't that a hoot? We'll be right back after I fire my writers. (Owl hoots) Oh, shut up. Amy: Watching your old friend? Sheldon: Hmm. Yes. Look at him, Amy. It's such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life. Amy: Do you want me to go to the funeral with you? Sheldon: Oh, I'm not going to the funeral. Amy: Why not? Sheldon: All those people blowing their noses. You can't tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I'll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned. Amy: Are you sure you don't want to go say good-bye? Sheldon: Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time. Amy: And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you've seen hundreds of times isn't? Sheldon: If we were in a physical relationship, you just lost s*x tonight. Scene: The apartment. Penny: Hey, guys. Raj: Hey, Penny. Happy Star Wars Day. Penny: Okay. Raj: Can I make you breakfast? Admiral Ackbar's Snack Bar is open for business. Penny: No, thanks. Leonard and I are just going to the funeral. Howard: You sure. Not even coffee? We have R2-Decaf. Maybe a nice Cafe Au Leia? Raj: And if you're not in the mood for coffee I can always make you a Chai Tea-3PO. Penny: Oh, I get it, like C3PO. What happened to me? Raj: Hey, uh, Sheldon, you want anything? Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you. Howard: You're being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting? Sheldon: I'm fine. Penny: Sweetie, are you sure you don't want to come with us to the funeral? Sheldon: Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there's nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral? Penny: No, he blew up the Death Star. Why do I know this? Sheldon: Arthur Jeffries was a scientist. I'm sure he didn't care about silly superstitions like funerals. You know, if he were here, I think he'd say enjoy Star Wars Day. Leonard: He was 84, he'd say where's my pudding? Raj: Before you go, at least let me pack you some Attack of the Scones for the road. Penny: Oh, like Attack of the Clones. We are leaving right now. Scene: Amy"s apartment. Amy: Arthur passing away was harder on Sheldon than he's ready to admit. Really hoping this will cheer him up. Bernadette: Me, too. Although, it might've been thoughtless of us to bake a Death Star cake. Amy: No, it combines two of Sheldon's favorite things, chocolate chips and the ability to destroy a planet at the push of a button. Bernadette: Well, anyway, it'll be a nice surprise for the boys. And Howie doesn't think I take his interests seriously, so hopefully this will keep him fooled for a while. Amy: Okay, let's get the fondant and start decorating. Bernadette: This is pretty cool. You don't see too many spherical cakes. Amy: I wonder why that is. Scene: The funeral. Penny: I have a confession to make. Leonard: Hmm? Penny: I've never been to a funeral before. Leonard: Really? Penny: I just never knew anyone that died. I had a pet pig when I was a kid. I mean, when he died, we didn't have a funeral, we had a barbecue. Leonard: Yeah, we won't be eating Arthur tonight. Penny: I didn't know him very well, but I still really liked him. It's weird that he's just gone. Leonard: I know. Penny: I feel like I want to cry. Leonard: Oh that's, that's fine. Go ahead. Penny: I can't do it with you staring at me. Leonard: Sorry. Penny: No, I'm dry. You're a big crybaby, you start, I'll join in. Leonard: I am not a crybaby. Penny: Toy Story 3? Leonard: The toys were holding hands in a furnace. Look, Arthur lived a full life. And he inspired a lot of people. Sure, he, he was my childhood hero, but the fact that I got to work with him, side by side, before he died was, it was, it was a gift. Penny: It was a gift. Thank you for being the emotional one in this relationship. Leonard: I got your back. Penny: Yeah. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Okay, here we go. Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Raj: Ugh, let's get this over with. Howard: Since we all agree Episode I isn't our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time. Sheldon: Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favourite we should just get rid of it. Raj: You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI. Howard: Okay, so you'd lose most of Jar Jar, all the trade route talk and the boring senate hearings, which are like watching C-SPAN with monsters. Sheldon: Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous? Raj: It was just a suggestion. Sheldon: Well, you know what else was just a suggestion? Why don't we change the Raisin Bran box? Hmm? And you know who got hurt by that? Every single person who eats breakfast. Raj: Wow. Howard: I think he's taking this Professor Proton thing pretty hard. Raj: Should we try to console him? Howard: Or should we respect his privacy in this moment of grief? Raj: By staying here and watching the movie. Howard: That's what good friends would do. Scene: Later. Howard: Well, at least without Sheldon here, we got to start with Episode IV. Raj: Mm, true. I do feel guilty about him. Howard: Me, too. Raj: Maybe we should see how he's doing. Howard: Yeah. Raj: But after the cantina scene. Howard: Obviously. Scene: Sheldon, dreaming he is in the living room of the apartment on his laptop. Sheldon: Look at Arthur, cracking up at a joke I told him. I'll never hear that laugh again. Arthur: You never heard it that time. Sheldon: Arthur. I thought you were dead. Arthur: I am. Oh, it, it's fantastic. I mean this, this is the longest that I've gone without running into a men's room in, in, in years. Sheldon: Why are you here? Arthur: I don't know. I was, I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife. Sheldon: I know why. You've come to me because you're my Obi-Wan. Arthur: I'm, I'm not, I'm not familiar with that. Is, is, is that an, an Internet? Sheldon: Wow. Uh, you're dead, so I'm going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form. Arthur: Well, that, that clears that up. Sheldon: You must be here to give me advice. Arthur: Well, this, this is weird. Most, most of my robes open in, in the back. Sheldon: Those are your Jedi robes. Arthur: Oh, wait. What, what, what is, what is this? Sheldon: Be careful with that. Arthur: Oh. Oh. Oh, neato. I'm, uh, I'm going to need a Band-Aid. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The funeral. Leonard: So, what did you think of your first funeral? Penny: Well, I don't want to be a jerk, but it was kind of a bummer. Leonard: Yeah, well, when I die, you can rent a bounce house. Penny: You think about dying? Leonard: Mm. Well, I think more about if I'd have any regrets. Penny: What would you regret? Leonard: Mm, you know, that I didn't travel more, take more risks, learn another language. Penny: You know Klingon. Leonard: That's true. Penny: No, I meant that as a regret. Leonard: I just thought of one more. Penny: What's that? Leonard: I regret not saying yes when you asked me to marry you. Penny: Well, it just wasn't the right time. Leonard: Yeah. Penny: And this is also not the right time. Do not propose. Leonard: What? Penny: I know that face. That's your propose face. Leonard: I was not gonna propose. It's already two to one. Penny: What's two to one? Leonard: I proposed twice, you proposed once. Two to one. Penny: Oh, my. It's not a contest. Leonard: I don't know what you're upset about. I'm the one who's losing. Penny: Okay. Fine. Would you feel better if I propose so you could turn me down again? Leonard: Yeah, I think I would. Penny: Okay. Leonard, will you marry me? Leonard: Hmm. Penny: No, don't you dare. You reject me right now and tie things up. Leonard: It's just such a big decision. I don't want to have any regrets. Scene: Amy's apartment. Amy: Did you ever watch Professor Proton when you were a kid? Bernadette: No. My dad controlled the TV, so unless someone was a Texas Ranger, Jake or the Fatman, we didn't see it. Amy: I never watched him, either, but he seems to be the reason that Sheldon got interested in science. Bernadette: Not me. I got into science 'cause I was always the smallest kid in school, so I thought if I became a scientist, I could invent a formula that made me taller. Amy: That's cute. Bernadette: Yeah, I thought it was working for a while, but then I found out my brother was just lowering the pencil marks on the door frame. How about you? Amy: Oh, I guess it must have been back when I was in the Girl Sprouts. Bernadette: Girl Sprouts? Amy: My mom made it up as an alternative to the Girl Scouts. She didn't want me selling cookies on some street corner like a whore. Bernadette: How did that get you into science? Amy: Oh, I went to the library and took out a book on biology to see what whores did. Scene: Leonard's car. Leonard: On the one hand, if I say yes... Penny: This isn't funny anymore. Just say no so we're done with this. Will you marry me or not? Leonard: Ooh, interesting. Did you just propose to me again? Penny: No. Leonard: Really? Because I just heard will you marry me? That's two proposals, one day. Sounds like someone wants to spend the rest of her life telling people how to spell the name Hofstadter. Penny: You know what? Fine. Do whatever you want. Leonard: Hey. Penny, don't get upset. Here. I love you, but, no, I will not marry you. Penny: Thank you. Leonard: Now, about that second proposal. On the one hand... Scene: Sheldon's dream. Arthur: Where, where, where are we? Sheldon: This is the swampland of Dagobah. It's where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi. Arthur: Oh. Too bad. I thought it was Florida. Sheldon: When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me? Arthur: Um, always, get, get a prenup. Sheldon: That's it? I thought there'd be more of a reason why you're here. Arthur: Well, why, why do you think I'm here? Sheldon: I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing. Arthur: Is, is this the, the first time you've lost, you know, someone close to you? Sheldon: Oh, no. No. I've already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos. Arthur: Yeah, I've, I've outlived a few of my doctors, too. Sheldon: Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14. Arthur: I'm, I'm sorry about that. Sheldon: And now you're gone, too. It's like all the men I've looked up to have gone away. Arthur: Well, you know, it's, it's okay to, to be sad about them. Just, just make sure, you know, you appreciate those who, who are still there for you. Sheldon: But I do appreciate them. Arthur: Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.) Leonard: Hey, buddy. Heard you're having a rough day. You all right? Sheldon: I'm okay. How was the funeral? Leonard: It was nice, you know. A lot of people showed up, told some great stories about him. Did you know that Arthur's son is a high school sci...? (Sheldon hugs him) Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi. You want to go watch? Sheldon: I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first. Leonard: Sheldon, that, that'll take us all night. Sheldon: That's true. Oh, it's a good thing I had a nap. Scene: The apartment. Howard: Boy, some of the physical comedy with Jar Jar is a little tough to watch. Leonard: At least they toned him down in the second one. Penny: Yeah, he is pretty stupid. Raj: Hey, we can say it. You can't. Amy: Hey, guys. Bernadette: Happy Star Wars Day. Sheldon: Wow. A Death Star cake. Amy: Yeah. We were hoping it might cheer you up. Bernadette: And even though it meant we had to miss the movies, we could still be part of the fun. Howard: Well, you didn't miss anything. We just started over. Bernadette: Son of a bitch. Scene: The same, everyone is falling asleep. Sheldon: You're back. Arthur: Yeah, apparently, um, I'm here whenever, when, whenever you need me. Sheldon: That's nice. Arthur: May, maybe for you. Sheldon: Why do I need you now? Arthur: Well, as near as I could tell, you, you fell asleep watching Star Wars, and now you're, you're dreaming you're watching Star Wars. Sheldon: So? Arthur: I mean, don't, don't you see a problem there? I mean, how, how you're spending your limited time on Earth? Sheldon: Not at all. Arthur: Okay, good luck to you.

Plan: A: all six films; Q: What do the guys plan to watch on Star Wars Day? A: Leonard; Q: Who tells Sheldon that Arthur Jeffries has died? A: Professor Proton; Q: Who is Arthur Jeffries? A: the film marathon; Q: What do Sheldon, Raj, and Howard start? A: Jeffries' funeral; Q: What do Penny and Leonard attend on the same day? A: her marriage proposal; Q: What does Leonard regret not accepting? A: a Jedi Master; Q: What was Arthur dressed as in Sheldon's dream? A: all his male idols; Q: Who died in Sheldon's family? A: Arthur's advice; Q: What does Sheldon take from his dream? A: a Death Star cake; Q: What kind of cake do Bernadette and Amy make? A: his life; Q: What does Arthur ask Sheldon if watching Star Wars is a useful way to spend? Summary: The guys prepare for Star Wars Day and plan to watch all six films. Leonard tells Sheldon that Arthur Jeffries (Professor Proton), their childhood hero, has died. Sheldon claims he is fine and prepares to start the film marathon with Raj and Howard. Penny and Leonard attend Jeffries' funeral on the same day and start discussing their regrets in life; he regrets not having accepted her marriage proposal. Leonard is more upset about her turning his two proposals down than him turning her down once. Penny proposes to make him feel better (and to even out the score). He chooses to tease her in hesitating to answer, frustrating her. While Sheldon is sleeping through the film marathon, Jeffries appears to him in a dream dressed as a Jedi Master. He knows neither why he is there nor what advice to give Sheldon, but once Sheldon confides that all his male idols in his family died, he tells him to cherish the people around him in the present. After Leonard returns home, Sheldon wakes up and hugs him, taking Arthur's advice. Bernadette and Amy make a Death Star cake for the guys while talking about why they became scientists. Finally, Sheldon has another dream where Arthur asks him if watching Star Wars is a useful way to spend his life and Sheldon sees nothing wrong in it.

Ms. Kwan's classroom. Liberty is on TV doing announcements. LIBERTY: Congratulations to Toby Isaacs and the rest of the computer programming team. Thanks to them, Degrassi placed third in the regionals. MS. KWAN: Nice work, Toby. (Claps and the students clap politely for a few seconds) TOBY: That's it? JT: Nascar's exciting. Britney in a hot tub, that's exciting. Third place in some geek contest... no. (Emma and Manny start laughing) LIBERTY: In sports, for all boys interested in the wrestling team, there's a meeting after school in the gym. Speaking of wrestling, last year's champion, Sean Cameron, has been named this month's overall sports MVP by the students. MS. KWAN: That's fantastic Sean. (Starts clapping. The students begin the clap and cheer) TOBY: Nice to be him. Forget it. Just forget it. JT and Toby in Ms. Hatzilakos' class. JT: What did you expect? (In a girly voice) Oh, Toby. I just love a man who can write binary code. MS HATZILAKOS: Boys, want to share with the class? TOBY: I was just wondering if everything about us was decided by DNA. MISS HATZILAKOS: Some things, like your eye color. But there are others things about us that we have the power to change. (Bell rings, students start to get up to leave) Remember to bring back these diagrams for tomorrow's class. TOBY: But no one notices me. JT: Sure they do. You're the loveable, if forgettable, computer expert. TOBY: That's it? JT: Yeah, well. (They head out into the hallway) No big deal. You could change your image... You could moon the cafe. TOBY: I could dye my hair green. JT: You could take up snow boarding. TOBY: (seriously) I could try out for wrestling. JT: (laughing a bit) Yeah, now that's funny... No. Bad Toby. TOBY: No one ignores geeks. I think it's a great idea. (Walks on) Outside at the picnic tables. Spinner is holding a cell phone. SPINNER: Wireless web access, e-mail, and GPS. Terr, your phone rules. TERRI: The salesman said it was the best. (Takes her phone back) PAIGE: (walking up with Hazel) Terr! Ok, hun. We grow tired of your games. You gotta spill. TERRI: What are you talking about? HAZEL: Two days ago a new coat. Yesterday a new bag... PAIGE: Today a new cell phone. We won't stand it any longer. TERRI: My dad made some extra money. PAIGE: What'd de do, rob a bank? SPINNER: Paige, get off her back. PAIGE: I will. When she tells me where the money's coming from. TERRI: I forgot my lunch in my locker. (Grabs her stuff and walks into the school. Spinner follows) HAZEL: Can you believe her? PAIGE: ok, call me crazy. But do you think that Terri's got a bad case of sticky fingers... more like shoplifting? The cafeteria. JT and Toby are in line. JT: Toby, you realize you'll get killed. Creamed. Squashed. Mutilated. TOBY: Quit it JT. JT: I'm just being realistic. Remember what happened in gym class yesterday? TOBY: That's because all I ever do is sit behind a computer. JT: uh, huh. TOBY: If I go up for wrestling, I'm gonna have to get fit. Then nobody will ever laugh at me again. ASHLEY: (coming up) Toby, do you have your keys? I won't be home after school. TOBY: For your information, Vampire, I have wrestling practice after school. ASHLEY: (laughing a bit) You, wrestling? Right. (Walks away) TOBY: (to JT) Don't say a word. I can make the team JT. Hallway. Paige, Hazel and Terri are sitting down when Terri's phone rings. HAZEL: Secret admirer? TERRI: No, just a friend. PAIGE: (whispering to Hazel) Just her parole officer. SPINNER: (walking inside the school) Terr, why didn't you tell us? TERRI: Tell you what? SPINNER: You don't know? k, come with me. I gotta show you something. PAIGE: Not that again. SPINNER: I meant outside. Come on. (Spinner leads Them to a bus stop where there's a huge picture of Terri in an ad) Terri McGregor. Undercover super model. PAIGE: Terr, you look fabulous. Why didn't you tell us? TERRI: Why? Because I'm fat. HAZEL: Terri, there's nothing to be ashamed of. PAIGE: At all. You're a model. SPINNER: In a huge ad campaign. MUHAMMAD: (walking by) Yo! Beluga! SPINNER: Yo, shut up Moron. MUHAMMAD: Hey, did the photographer use a wide angle lens or what? PAIGE: Yes, loser. Just like they need a microscope to find your... (Hazel hits Paige with her elbow) (To Hazel) I was gonna say brain. Wrestling practice. Toby is watching Sean wrestle someone. TOBY: Oh, man. SEAN: Toby? You lost? TOBY: No, uh, I'm here for wrestling. MR. ARMSTRONG: Ok, guys. Listen up. The try-outs are next week and as you know, we only have room for one wrestler per weight class. So let's get started. Andrews. (Andrews walks up and gets on the scale) 51 kilos. Good (Andrews steps off) Isaacs. (Gets on scale) 55. ANDREWS: Should Toby and I start? MR. ARMSTRONG: No, you guys are in different weight classes. Isaacs, you're in the 54 to 57.5 kilo class up against... Sean. (Sean just pinned his opponent. Sean and Toby start to wrestle. Toby is pinned in about 10 seconds.) Mr. Simpson's class. MR. SIMPSON: Ten minutes left of class. Use this time for internet research. JT: Hey, I found the best wrestling site. (Site comes up on Toby's computer. There's a picture of a wrestler with two girls hanging on him) TOBY: Maybe in a few years I could be like this guy. JT: Uh, earth to Toby. Let's just concentrate on getting you on the team first. (Clicks on link that says "training". A page comes up saying "Making weight- a bad move") MR. SIMPSON: (comes up and grabs Toby's shoulder) Hey, congratulations for getting 3rd in the finals. I'm very proud of you Toby. (Looks at computer) Interesting research topic guys. You know, making weight is a serious problem. A lot of guys end up in the hospital. You know, on the computer team we don't make weight. We make programs. (Laughs. Toby laughs a little) Isn't that right Toby? (Walks away) TOBY: That's right coach... I have to make the wrestling team. Training montage... JT and Toby in the gym JT with a whistle and Toby doing push ups... Toby running outside... Toby doing pull-ups in the gym, helped by JT... Toby running outside... Toby running up and down steps while JT eats a donut... Toby doing sit-ups... JT throwing a weighted ball to Toby and Toby falling backwards when he catches it... Toby on a scale... Toby running outside. TOBY: This is murder. Three days and I've only lost one pound. JT: Ding. Losing attitude. Penalty... 30 crunches. (Toby puts JT in a head lock) Ah! Not cool. Fine, we'll get a drink first. Inside a store. JT has a drink and Toby is looking at a package of laxatives. JT: Take it from someone who learned the hard way. Those aren't really chocolate. TOBY: Only you'd make that mistake. (Puts package down) JT: Uh, laxatives. So tasty going in, so nasty going out. (Walks out of store. Toby looks at package again) Toby's bedroom. He's standing shirtless in front of his mirror, laxative in hand. He eats it and makes a face as if it doesn't taste very good. Gym. Toby is holding his stomach and blinking his eyes. It's the day of try-outs. MR. ARMSTRONG: Isaacs. Scale. (Toby gets on scale) 53 kilos. That's quite a loss. TOBY: Been training hard coach. MR. ARMSTRONG: Mmm hmm. You know any player caught making weight will be cut. TOBY: Would I do anything so stupid? MR. ARMSTRONG: Andrews, it looks like you've got some competition. Let's go. Shake hands. (They shake) ANDREWS: Good luck. TOBY: You too. (They wrestle and Toby pins him in under 30 seconds) MR ARMSTRONG: (blows whistle) Fast Isaacs. Welcome to the team. (Everybody cheers and Toby is very happy) Kerwin-Isaacs kitchen. Ashley is sitting down, drinking something. Toby comes in, whistling. ASHLEY: Someone's in a good mood. TOBY: Today marks a new chapter in the book of Toby Isaacs. ASHLEY: Making the wrestling team is that important to you? TOBY: Yes. Cuz now I'm a jock. Nerd Toby is no more. ASHLEY: Well, jockstrap. There are two of those giant chocolate muffins you like in the bread cupboard. TOBY: Not hungry. ASHLEY: That's what you said yesterday. And the day before that. TOBY: Thank-you Mom. (Grabs backpack and heads towards the door) ASHLEY: So you're not eating breakfast? TOBY: No. Now go back to sipping your blood and leave me alone. (Leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] School hallway. Muhammad is sitting behind a table with jackets on it. MUHAMMAD: You make the team, you get a windbreaker. (Hands Toby one) Congratulations buddy. (Toby puts it on and walks to Kendra and Nadia) TOBY: Hey, Nadia. Take a picture. NADIA: For the yearbook? TOBY: yeah, sure. Today's a momentous occasion. (Strikes a stupid pose and Nadia takes the picture) Ok, now Kendra stand here... Act like you're in awe of me. Grab my arm if you like. KENDRA: Um, I think I'll pass. So, big meet today We'll be there to cheer you on. TOBY: My own personal fan club. Cool. Catch ya... lata. (Kendra and Nadia are weirded out) KENDRA: (mouthing, no sound) ok, let's go. (They leave) JT: (walking up) So, you got your new wind breaker, huh? TOBY: Cool, huh? JT: Did you get a new personality to go with it? Catch ya... lata. TOBY: That's how wrestlers talk. JT: Cool... not. TOBY: Are you jealous cuz I'm on a team and you're just a mascot?! Great. (Walks away) Mr Simpson's class. Paige, hazel and Terri are checking out Terri's modeling website. HAZEL: That mini skirt photo is wow. PAIGE: I'd totally wear it... if I was a plus. HAZEL: So when's the next shoot? TERRI: Today, but my agent called and canceled. PAIGE: Nice, another lie from Miss McGregor. TERRI: It's not a lie. (Softer voice) I don't wanna go, ok? PAIGE: Not ok. You're in a national ad campaign. TERRI: It wasn't national when I agreed to do it. PAIGE: So that's it? TERRI: That... and what Muhammad said. MR. SIMPSON: (coming into classroom) Good morning. Five seconds to home room lift off. PAIGE: Who cares what Muhammad said? This discussion is not over. MR. SIMPSON: Oh, yes it is Paige. Or it will be in 3, 2, 1. (Bell rings) Cafeteria. Toby is in line and only has an apple on his plate. ASHLEY: (walks up to him) Big meet today. Doing anything special to get ready? (Toby shrugs) Or maybe not doing something? Like not eating. TOBY: Not this again. ASHLEY: Toby, you're normally a garborator. TOBY: I'm just not hungry these days. ASHLEY: Fine, I'll just take this up with Mom and Jeff. TOBY: (to Sheila) Bacon cheeseburger supreme, chunky fries, extra Sheila sauce. SHEILA: hey, easy big guy. I gotta feed a whole school. (Gives Toby a plate of food) There you go lumberjack. TOBY: See (takes a bite of burger) Eating. Happy? (Takes another bite. Ashley and Mr. Armstrong, who's on the background just look at him) Boy's washroom. Toby is standing in front of the mirror. He goes into a stall. JT comes in and starts fixing his hair. Toby throws up. JT: Toby? Is that you? (Heads over toward the stall) TOBY: (flushing toilet) Sheila's special sauce ain't so special. JT: oh TOBY: Can you leave me alone? JT: Do you want the nurse or something? TOBY: No. Just some privacy... now. (JT walks out of the bathroom and to his locker. Ashley comes up to him) ASHLEY: JT. JT: Oh, hey Ashley. I was wondering when you were going to tune into my love vibe. ASHLEY: Let's skip your little fantasy. JT: Ok, let's talk about yours. ASHLEY: JT, I'm worried about Toby. JT: I know. He's been acting so weird and crabby lately... But, he is in training. ASHLEY: Training for an eating disorder. JT: I'm pretty sure Toby's a guy. I mean, that's girl stuff. ASHLEY: No it isn't. Guys can have it too. So if you notice anything, I wanna know. Mr. Simpson's class. Toby is staring blankly at his computer and blinking. JT notices. MR. SIMPSON: Ok, pop quiz. Click on the pop quiz link. You have 15 minutes and when time's up, the test will automatically end. (Walks to Toby) Are you ok? Do you want to see nurse Henderson? TOBY: No, I'm fine, Mr. Simpson. (Mr Simpson walks away) The bus stop where Terri's ad is. She's sitting down, talking on her cell phone. TERRI: (on phone) Anne Marie please. I need to cancel a shoot... yeah, she can call me back. (Hangs up phone) SPINNER: (walking up) Terri? TERRI: (getting up) More Grrrl can find a new model. (Starts to walk away) SPINNER: Why? Ok, none of my business I just think it's too bad you're giving up. TERRI: (stops walking) Spinner, I dreamt of being a model... for years. But not a plus sized. Not (puffs out cheeks) SPINNER: So, you're not some twig. You think guys really like that? TERRI: Don't you? SPINNER: Sometimes. But lots of time guys like girls like you, with a figure. TERRI: Girls like me. You mean fat? SPINNER: Terr, you're pretty. TERRI: You don't have to lie. SPINNER: I'm not. Terr, you're really pretty. And any guy who tells you different is blind or jealous. So, just tell them to shut up. Boys locker room. Toby is sitting on a bench, rubbing his eyes. JT comes in. JT: Hey (sits down) Toby, you look awful... I caught you yakking. TOBY: That was Sheila's sauce. JT: That was you... Ash and I are worried. TOBY: You've been talking to her? Behind my back? (Gets up) JT: (gets up too) Toby, don't wrestle. TOBY: What?! JT: Don't wrestle. TOBY: there's a gym full of people waiting for me...me. And I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna win. And not 3rd place in some geek contest. MR. ARMSTRONG: (coming in) Isaacs. Weigh in. Let's go. (Toby leaves) Gym. Toby is sitting on a bench with his fellow wrestlers. His vision is blurry. MR. ARMSTRONG: Next up for Degrassi, Toby Isaacs. (Crowd cheers and Toby goes to the mat) Shake hands. (They do and begin to wrestle. Toby's opponent knocks him down, but Toby gets back up. He then collapses) Toby? (Ashley and JT run up to him) JT: Toby? ASHLEY: Toby? MR. ARMSTRONG: Give him some air. (In the stands, Kendra and Nadia look worried) JT: Buddy, wake up. ASHLEY: Toby? MR. ARMSTRONG: Toby? The sidewalk. Terri, Paige, and Hazel are looking at Terri's newest modeling pictures. TERRI: look at the touched shot. (Hands photo to Paige) PAIGE: So nice. (They walk by an ice cream stand where Muhammad is working) MUHAMMAD: Hey, look who it is. It's the more of everything girl. Hey, you know what? I think you should join our sumo team. Seriously. (The girls turn away, but Terri walks up to him) TERRI: Hey, most girls on the planet look like this. So get used to it. PAIGE: No kidding. TERRI: I made 500 bucks today as a plus sized model. Yeah, plus sized. What do you make, ice cream boy? (Walks away) PAIGE: Nice Terri. (She, Terri and Hazel laugh) Kerwin-Isaacs kitchen. Toby is sitting down with an ice pack on his wrist. JT: (comes in) Hey. You ok? TOBY: Ash is on the phone with my dad. He's on his way. JT: You're off the team, right? TOBY: Mr. Armstrong chewed me out. He said I was playing with my life. JT: Listen Tobes. You can cry if you want, but I'm not giving you a hug. TOBY: At least I gave everyone a good laugh. JT: Hardly. Word got out, people freaked. Even Sean asked if you were ok. (Toby shakes his head) The whole school was worried... I had a nice little chat with Kendra. She's like. (in a girly voice) I hope he's ok, I'm so worried. (Both guys smile) So... still think you're invisible Tobes?

Plan: A: the computer geek; Q: What is Toby tired of being known as? A: Toby; Q: Who decides to join the wrestling team? A: the wrestling team; Q: What team does Toby join? A: Sean; Q: Who is popular? A: dangerous habits; Q: What does Toby develop in order to lose weight? A: a plus-size model; Q: What is Terri's job? A: her friends; Q: Who is Terri trying to hide her job from? Summary: Tired of being known as "the computer geek," Toby decides to join the wrestling team when he sees how popular Sean is. Determined to be accepted, Toby develops dangerous habits in order to lose weight. Meanwhile, Terri attempts to hide her job as a plus-size model from her friends.

Opening shots and series recap. INT. BOWLING ALLEY Gwen and Rhys bowling, having a good night out. EXT. OUTSIDE CINEMA - CARDIFF - NIGHT Gwen and Rhys walk out of the cinema / bowling alley complex and onto the street. GWEN : Next time I'm choosing the film... RHYS : I was told it was... GWEN : I fell asleep Rhys... EXT. A RESTURANT Gwen and Rhys sit at an outside table eating a meal, chatting. RHYS : What does it mean ? Special ops ? GWEN : It's no big deal. Mainly filing. RHYS : Special archiving. GWEN : Can we talk about something else ? RHYS : Oh come on, it's your first day tomorrow. I'm excited for ya. Big promotion. GWEN : (laughing quietly) secondment. RHYS : You'll be brilliant. GWEN : (kisses Rhys) Let's have an early night. RHYS : (eager) Cheque please ! Gwen laughs. Rhys looks up and outside. He sees a ball of flame fly across the sky. RHYS : Bloody hell is that plane on fire ? GWEN : It's not a plane. Gwen stands and begins to rush away. RHYS : We haven't paid ! GWEN : Come on. Gwen takes Rhys' hand and they begin to run, to get a better view. The ball of fire crashes far across the city. RHYS : What was that ? Gwen receives a text message which reads only 'Torchwood'. GWEN : I gotta go to work. OPENING CREDITS EXT. TORCHWOOD SUV People entering the SUV, focus on feet. CUT TO INT. TORCHWOOD SUV Owen driving, Jack in the front passenger seat. Toshiko and Gwen sit in the rear of the vehicle. JACK : Simple locate and clean up operation. Find that meteorite before anyone else gets their hands on it. Jack turns to look at Gwen. JACK : Good to see you by the way. A screen and keyboard fold down in front of Toshiko. OWEN : Tosh you found it yet ? GWEN : You got enough kit ? TOSHIKO : Basic tracking and surveillance for the crash site. With this we can tap into CCTV networks, social databases... GWEN : (looking at screen) Is this crimint ? This is the police computer you shouldn't have this. JACK : You might want to stop "you, and start saying "we". TOSHIKO : Crash site is 100m ahead. The SUV pulls into a cleared space in a wooded area. The army have set up a base of tents and are patrolling the site alongside police. OWEN : sh1t. The amateurs got here first. JACK : Alright usual formation. Jack walks towards one of the tents, followed by Owen, Toshiko and Gwen. GWEN : What's usual formation ? OWEN : It varies. GWEN : How can a usual formation vary ? Oh ! Gwen runs back to the SUV to pick up her forgotten bag. She enters the tent and the others have already gone. PVT MORIARTY : Who the hell are you ? GWEN : Oh sorry... SGT JOHNSON : This area's restricted. GWEN : No it's alright I'm with special ops. I'm special ops. Torchwood, I'm with Torchwood. SGT JOHNSON : Don't mess with me little girl. You're not with Torchwood, and even if you were. Jack enters from the back of the tent, behind the soldiers. JACK : ...you'd have put out the welcome banners. Now first of all she's no little girl, from where I'm standing. Jack assesses Gwen. JACK : All the right curves in all the right places. But she's Torchwood, we both are and we'd appreciate it if you'd leave us to do the real work. Jack offers his hand to Gwen, she takes it. JACK : Shall we ? Jack and Gwen leave through the rear of the tent and enter a small wood - the crash site. JACK : Let's see what we came for. Gwen lets go of Jack's hand as she sees the others and stops. A large boulder sits in a deep crater, Owen and Toshiko examining it. Jack continues to the other side of the crater. OWEN : Bog standard space debris. That's a technical term. GWEN : Yeah thanks. JACK : So take all the readings and let's get out of here. They all open their tool boxes and throw tools to each other, practiced speed and efficiency. OWEN : Make yourself useful sweetheart, pass us the big chisel form the toolbox. GWEN : Not sweetheart; Gwen. One syllable, sure you can manage it. OWEN : Not sweet cheeks, freckles, new girl ? Gwen picks up a chisel from the toolbox. GWEN : It's a shame your tool's not big enough for the job, darling. Catch. Owen fails to catch the chisel and it sticks into the boulder. A blue glow can be seen in the cut and a pinkish / purple gas begins to leak out. OWEN : sh1t ! JACK : Owen, Tosh. Put this on. Jack throws gas masks to them Owen and Toshiko then places a gas mask over Gwen's face. Jack and Gwen stare up at the gas rising from the object. EXT. AN ALLEY - NIGHT A girl talks on her mobile phone. She is upset. CARYS : Eddie is this all I get now. Your voicemail ? You b*st*rd, you could've at least had the dignity to text. I've been standing around all on my own, I'm sick of this. Waiting around for you to show up. I wish I'd never met you. I wish I was dead. No. I wish you were dead... Call me back. POV gas. Carys hangs up and turns round. She sees the gas and fearfully backs against the alley wall. From angle of CCTV : the gas enters Carys' mouth. EXT. A NIGHTCLUB ENTRANCE Three doormen stand by the entrance and allow in some girls. BANKSEY : Evening ladies. LADIES : Hiya handsome. Banksey checks out the ladies as they enter the club. BANKSEY : Ooo very nice. He turns to see Carys trying to enter. BANKSEY : Where do you think you're going ? CARYS : I've been in once, I only went out to make a call. BANKSEY : There's no re-admission. Carys kisses Banksey. BANKSEY : Erm...ok then. On you go. Banksey turns to the other doormen, proud. BANKSEY : Watch and learn boys. INT. THE SAME NIGHTCLUB Carys notices a man by the bar and goes over to him. She takes him to the toilets and starts kissing him. MATT : I don't even no your name. Carys moves his Matt's hand to her bum. MATT : Overrated, names. They kiss and Carys sits on the edge of the sinks, helping Matt shove down his trousers they have s*x. MATT : I don't think I can hold on... CARYS : Well don't. Matt orgasms, yells and then becomes a glowing golden gas. Carys absorbs the gas and the boy's place is taken by a small heap of dark ash. INT. THE HUB GWEN : I'm so sorry. JACK : Seriously. Stop saying that. GWEN : But I am. I mean, I'm really really sorry. God I can't believe it. OWEN : Didn't they teach you health and safety in the police ? GWEN : You two chucked tools at each other so I... OWEN : We didn't miss. GWEN : I'll sort it. Whatever's happened I'll deal with it. What do you think has happened ? I mean it was just gas wasn't it ? Can't be too bad... can it ? OWEN : Right because gas never did anyone any harm. JACK : On the plus side we've got good evidence. Jack opens a box on the autopsy table. JACK : Relatively undamaged. OWEN : On the down side, there's an alien on loose. We don't know where it is, why it's here or what it's going to do. TOSHIKO : Give her a break... GWEN : Oh this has been the worst first day ever. JACK : We all make mistakes. Get over it. Now we find and recover whatever came out of there. Ianto clears his throat. He stands on the balcony with a clipboard looking down at them. IANTO : This might help. Night club death, been phoned in a 999. Circumstances sound... a little unusual. Gwen walks up the stairs to him and takes the clipboard. IANTO : Might be connected. EXT. THE NIGHTCLUB PC Andy is guarding the entrance. The Torchwood SUV pulls up. Owen, Jack and Toshiko enter the club running. Gwen follows them. JACK : Torchwood. PC ANDY : Gwen ? GWEN : Hi. PC ANDY : Bloody hell, look at you all posh. Special ops, we're all wondering. GWEN : I meant to call. It's been a bit of a whirlwind. PC ANDY : Go on then, tell us all. Jack leans out of the entrance and glares at Gwen. JACK : Coming ? GWEN : Yeah sorry. You can go away now, no point you freezing your arse off out here. PC ANDY : Boss of me now are you ? GWEN : Err... say hi to everyone for me... PC Andy nods to her and Gwen enters the nightclub. INT. NIGHTCLUB - TOILETS The Torchwood team stand in the toilets with Banksey looking at the pile of ash. GWEN : This is all that's left ? BANKSEY : How's that possible ? JACK : Question is how did you know this used to be a body ? CUT TO FLASHBACK Banksey is watching Carys and Matt over the CCTV, m*st*rb*t*ng until he sees the man reduced to a pile of ash. CUT TO : Return to Nightclub toilets. BANKSEY : Bit of a shock I tell you. JACK : We need to see that CCTV. INT. NIGHTCLUB - SECURITY ROOM The Torchwood team watch the CCTV footage of the toilets. JACK : Well... TOSHIKO : Oh my god... GWEN : He just... JACK : Came and went. OWEN : (laughs) Now that's how I'd like to go. TOSHIKO : I'm sure we could arrange it. BANKSEY : How can that...it doesn't make any sense. It's not possible ! GWEN : Do you know the girls name ? Did the two of them arrive together or did they meet in the club ? Is she a regular, would any of the other staff know her ? BANKSEY : I dunno. We get hundreds of people here very weekend, we don't keep tabs. JACK : Thanks for your help. We've got all we need. Jack guides Banksey out of the room. GWEN : What are you talking about ? We don't have a clue. We don't even know her name. Jack leaves the room followed by the others, they walk through the club on their way to the exit, talking as they go. JACK : We'll need a body from the crowd chamber with a close match to the dead guys appearance. Disfigure the face, dump it some place remote. Make it look like a suicide attempt. GWEN : You have a stash of bodies ? Jack is scanning the area, pauses near the bar as Tosh and Owen leave. CUT TO EXT. ALLEY BEHIND NIGHTCLUB Gwen chases Jack into the alley behind the club as he continues scanning the area. GWEN : What about his family ? You can't just fake his death. JACK : You want to tell his family he died screwing an alien ? GWEN : You don't know that for sure. Jack scans the area with a machine. JACK : Same elements we recorded at the crash site. It's all over the club but strongest in this area. Something happened here. Jack looks up and sees a CCTV camera. INT. NIGHTCLUB - SECURITY ROOM Gwen and Jack watch the CCTV tape of the alley, they see the gas inhabit Carys. Jack removes the video and keeps it. GWEN : It's my fault. If it weren't me he'd still be alive. JACK : It'll get you nowhere, that kind of thinking. At least now we know a little more. The alien's taken on a host body. GWEN : We can't let her kill again. INT. CARYS' HOME - NEXT MORNING Carys and her father, Ivan. IVAN : I said to them you're putting yourselves out of work behaving like this. I can get five polish guys who work all day, don't take any breaks. Happy as Sam boys all for 56 quid above board. I told Niall, why should I bother with your moaning mates when I could get this. Carys, you alright ? CARYS : Yeah ? IVAN : Hung over from Ella's eh ? What did you get up to last night ? CARYS : I can't really remember. Mullered I was. IVAN : Gotta go. Tony needs a van by nine. You in tonight ? Carys nods and Ivan kisses her on the head then leaves the house. Carys sits, near catatonic. INT. THE HUB Jack scans a transparent mapped board with a green laser. GWEN : So what's this supposed to do ? JACK : I'm using satellite tracking data to determine the inward trajectory of the meteorite. TOSHIKO : He means he's trying to find out where it's come from. JACK : Hey, sometimes a little techno-babble is good for the soul. GWEN : So this is like a route planner. TOSHIKO : Not far off. GWEN : Rhys, my boyfriend, is a transport manager; he does this sort of stuff but on a slightly smaller scale. TOSHIKO : You have a boyfriend ? GWEN : Yeah, have you ? TOSHIKO : Don't have time with this job. GWEN : What about you, you seeing anyone ? OWEN : You gotta be joking. I can get all the grief I need 'ere. GWEN : None of you have partners ? OWEN : Just you newbie. GWEN : I'm not being rude or anything; well maybe I am, but how do you switch off from all this stuff ? What do you do to relax ? OWEN : I torture people in happy relationships. INT. CARYS' BATHROOM Carys crouches in the shower crying. INT. THE HUB TOSHIKO : The gas traces have been named as vorax or ceronium. JACK : Great my two favourite gases. Check to find out what we know about them. Gwen looks at Toshiko's computer. GWEN : What's this doing ? TOSHIKO : I've taken an image of the girl from the CCTV footage and cross referenced with the UK population. GWEN : You can't have every face in the UK on there that would be against civil liberties, data protection, all that stuff. JACK : Still doing that 'you' instead of 'we' thing. OWEN : 119 suspects, this thing is supposed to give us a single clear match. TOSHIKO : The CCTV was too low res, I've tried magnifying and augmenting but it just breaks up which means the software can't function properly. IANTO : It's narrowed the numbers down, I could check through the rest. You know, the old fashioned way, with my eyes. GWEN : What about the fingerprints I took of the alleyway wall ? She checks. After a moment the computer screen shows 'no matches found'. GWEN : It was a long shot. OWEN : Just a bit. GWEN : At least I'm trying to do something. OWEN : No you're trying to do anything. JACK : The CCTV must've picked up her arrival at the club. Tosh can you re-format the image recognition software to trace her journey backwards via the street camera network ? TOSHIKO : I'll try but it'll take a while to process. Every possible turn, on every street corner. It means hundreds of thousands of probabilities. JACK : Have a go. At least we'll know where she started the evening. GWEN : We could cross reference that with the addresses of the remaining face matches. OWEN : Good one Newbie, that's a bit more like it. INT. CARYS' BEDROOM Carys sits at her dressing table brushing her hair. She clutches her stomach and cries out 3 times, each time louder, more pained. The alien inside. The doorbell rings and the pain eases, fresh food for the alien. Carys runs downstairs. GAVIN : You're keeping that website in business. The postman, Gavin, hands her a parcel. Carys slams the door and she feverishly begins removes his belt. GAVIN : ...so your dad's not in then. CARYS : Get your clothes off ! She pushes him onto the sofa. GAVIN : Steady Carys. She straddles him. GAVIN : Ok that's enough. Joke over. Barry's put you up to this has he ? CARYS : Shut up ! The door of the lounge opens and Jack enters. He is wearing white overalls and a gas mask. He points his gun at Carys. Toshiko enters behind him and Gwen and Owen come through the front door. GAVIN : What's going on ? JACK : Put your trousers on and get out !... Now ! Gavin leaves. JACK : It always breaks my heart to say those words. TOSHIKO : Air quality is ok. They remove their gas masks. As Gwen removes hers Carys runs past. JACK : Gwen, look out ! Carys reaches the door. Owen throws a device on the floor. A beam of light shines upwards from the device and imprisons Carys. GWEN : What's that ? OWEN : It's a sort of inflatable cell. Power runs down after an hour though, the battery lives are bollocks. JACK : Who said you could use that ? OWEN : (Looking hopeful) Erm, I just stopped the prisoner escaping. JACK : You know the rules. None of that stuff leaves the building without my express permission. OWEN : Fine, don't thank me. Jack releases Carys with his wrist cuff and Gwen takes her by the shoulders. GWEN : Come with us. INT. THE HUB They enter the hub, Gwen leading Carys. JACK : See what you find out from her. GWEN : But aren't you gonna help me ? I don't know what I'm doing. JACK : Usually better if you don't say that in front of the prisoner. Gwen takes Carys to the cell block and puts her in a cell. CARYS : Are you MI5 ? Where am I ? What'd want ? GWEN : I think you know Carys. CARYS : How do you know my name ? I've never been in trouble. What do you want from me ? GWEN : I know there's something living inside you, and I know what it made you do. His name was Matt Stephens, his parents lost their only child at three o' seven this morning. Carys cries out in pain as the alien takes control. CARYS : You broke my ship. GWEN : Come on then. Where are you from and why are trying to invade earth because you forget about enslaving us. CARYS : Who said anything about enslaving ? GWEN : Well that's what you lot do... Aliens, isn't it ? CARYS : No. I just want the energy, the climax. I live off that energy. GWEN : Right, just to recap, you've travelled here to feed off orgasmic energy. CARYS : There's nothing else out there like it. You taste so good, you're the best hit there is. Carys cries out is trown against the cell wall as she fights to regain control. Gwen opens the cell door to check on her. CARYS : Help me. Please get it out of me. Gwen helps Carys to her feet then looks confused for a second. Carys pushes Gwen against the wall and starts to kiss her. [SCENE_BREAK] Owen sitting at his station watching the CCTV footage of Carys' cell. OWEN : Hello, happy birthday me. CUT TO CELL : Gwen and Carys kiss passionately. Gwen commenting in pauses. GWEN : Ok first contact with an alien not quite the way I expected. INT. THE HUB - OWEN'S STATION Owen continues to watch the CCTV and calls Toshiko and Jack over. OWEN : Oi, you lot. Treat. TOSHIKO : Wow. JACK : Wow. OWEN : I thought she had a boyfriend. JACK : You people and your quaint little categories. TOSHIKO : We should really get her out of there. They stand watching the screen. JACK : (Not moving) Yeah... I mean yeah, come on. Jack runs towards the cell block. OWEN : Just recording it first. They go to the cells. INT. CARYS' CELL CARYS : No, it's no good. It has to be a man. Gwen tries to kiss Carys and is pushed away. Carys cries out in pain. CARYS : Promise me, promise me you'll help me. Gwen's phone rings and she backs pout of the cell. GWEN : I promise. Gwen closes the door and answers the phone. GWEN : Hi. RHYS : (on phone) Not still at work ? Jack and Toshiko arrive in the cell block entrance. GWEN : Afraid so. Jack mimes asking Gwen if she is ok. She winks and gives him a thumbs up. RHYS : What time will you be back, I'm just about to start cooking. GWEN : Not really sure when I'll be finished though. RHYS : Is it exciting though ? Is it full of excitement ? GWEN : Err... some... RHYS : Is now a good time ? GWEN : Not the best. RHYS : Oh pity me; I'm a special ops widow. GWEN : I'll call you later. Gwen hangs up. She holds the phone to her and backs against the clear front of another cell. The weevil jumps at the glass growling, she screams and backs away then exits the cell block. INT. THE HUB Gwen enters the main hub and meets Owen who claps at her. OWEN : Way to go newbie, that is what I call a methodical investigation. I can't wait to see you take down her particulars. Gwen runs at him and grabs his lapels, pushing him against a wall. OWEN : What are you doing ? Get off me. GWEN : That girls body has been over run by I don't know what and you think it's a joke ! OWEN : Alright, Jesus I'm sorry. GWEN : We should be helping her; she's not some lab rat. OWEN : No she's a murderer and you were the one who wanted her caught. How come suddenly she's your best friend ? Jack appears next to them from the corner. JACK : You know strictly speaking, throttling the staff is my job. Gwen lets Owen go. Ianto arrives with takeaway food. Owen moves his neck, sore. IANTO : So who's for Chinese ? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THE HUB - BOARD ROOM The team sits around the table eating. Jack is telling a story and laughing. JACK : ...she says, she says if I'd known what he was I never would have married him. TOSHIKO : She knew, she knew all along. OWEN : She did definitely, she didn't care. IANTO : Until he started leaving black piles of mucus in the bath tub. JACK : Oh that was the big giveaway. Aliens have no sense of household hygiene. Jack takes a drink then taps the table. JACK : Which reminds me, gotta pee. Jack exit's the room. The remaining team look at Gwen. OWEN : So what's he told ya ? GWEN : What about ? TOSHIKO : Himself. GWEN : You've been here longer than I have. TOSHIKO : We were banking on you. OWEN : You're a copper. You're trained to ask questions. GWEN : You don't know anything ? OWEN : Not who is, where he's from, nothing. Except him being gay. GWEN : No he's not. Really do you think ? TOSHIKO : No. Owen does, and I don't. IANTO : And I don't care. OWEN : Period military is not the dress code of a straight man. GWEN : I think it suits him. Sort of classic. TOSHIKO : Exactly. I've watched him in action, he'll shag anything if it's gorgeous enough. GWEN : We know he's from America right ? OWEN : We don't even no that for sure. TOSHIKO : No US citizen by the name of Jack Harkness born in the last fifty years. GWEN : Maybe his identity's classified. IANTO : He used to be something big in the CIA, that's what I reckon. GWEN : He must have his reasons for wanting to keep things secret. OWEN : Sure he does. Not stop me wanting to know what they are. GWEN : What's that sound ? They notice the sound of crying coming from the CCTV footage of Carys' cell. Jack re-enters the room again, Gwen gets up and walks over to the screen, concerned and upset. GWEN : What are we doing having Chinese while a girl fights for her life ? JACK : Actually while we've been eating the computers have been running a full bio-scan of Carys; profiling her blood, metabolism, organs, skin, the works. So we can see what effect the alien is having on her. They've also been taking samples of the air in the cell so we can analyse any changes in the environment around her. Now is that enough ? Do you want more ? Cos, err... it gets kinda borin'... GWEN : You've been hidden down here to long. Spending so much time with the alien stuff, you've lost what it means to be human. JACK : So remind us...Tell me what it means to be human in the 21st century. GWEN : Alright. INT. THE HUB Gwen is at her station working on the computer. She starts printing off details and pictures of Carys' life. Gwen presents the information to Jack. GWEN : Carys Fletcher born, November 30th 1987. School reports, personnel reports from her temping agency, swimming badges from when she was 6, reports of her mother's death in a car crash when she was 10, and last years emails discussing the relative merits of Orlando Bloom and Heith Ledger. JACK : Why have you done this ? GWEN : This isn't about meteorites or gases. We have a trapped girl and we have to save her. When I was with her in the cell Carys told me she was losing. We have to find a way to keep her fighting, remind of who she is. Jack sits and stares at her. GWEN : Have I got something on my face ? JACK : No, err... it's just...it's... brilliant. You are brilliant. Jack appears genuinely pleased with her work. GWEN : Thank you. So I think we should bring in her dad. JACK : You're kidding right ? GWEN : We've gotta find something to connect with her, make her fight back. JACK : Our priority is to contain the alien threat, not to put civilians in a cell with it. GWEN : We should be helping her. JACK : Gwen there is no... GWEN : ...If we don't, who will Jack ? JACK : Are you always this awkward ? TOSHIKO : (over the intercom from her station) You should take a look at this. Gwen and Jack go over to Toshiko. TOSHIKO : This is the normal composition of the air in that cell. And these are the readings from the last hour. An increase in activity in the air is shown on screen. TOSHIKO : The alien is secreting an ultra powerful form of air born pheromones, s*x pheromones. A thousand times more than anything we would've experienced. JACK : She's a walking aphrodisiac. GWEN : I did wonder why i... actually I sort of snogged her. JACK and TOSH : We know. JACK : Now, still wanna put her father in the cell ? GWEN : God no. We can't let any man near. TOSH and GWEN : Owen ! INT. CARYS' CELL Toshiko and Gwen go to the cells. Owen is standing naked in Carys' cell, Carys has gone. TOSHIKO : (over intercom) Jack, Carys is out of the cell. OWEN : Cheeky bitch took my swipe card. JACK : I'll deal with it. And tell Owen he needs to work on the abs a bit harder. Toshiko opens the cell door for Owen and he exit's the cell. OWEN : I was taking some readings, keeping an eye on her and bang... TOSHIKO : You got away lightly, be thankful she was only interested in your swipe card. GWEN : Are you alright now, or are you still feeling a bit of a cock ? INT. THE HUB Carys wanders around the main hub, Jack finds her. JACK : No exit, sorry. Jack blocks Carys' exit. She runs back and tries to open some double doors behind a table but they are. She stands on one side of the table, Jack on the other, teasing him in which way she will go. They see a knife on the table between them and both lung for the weapon at the same time. Carys gets there first and swipes at Jack who ducks. JACK : Yeah, you want a little rough and tumble huh ? Carys' swipes at him again and Jack picks up a pole from the table. JACK : Well lets make it a fair fight ! Jack backs Carys against a pillar with the bar and Carys manages to cut his leg. Jack stoops clutching the cut and Carys uses the time to run. They fight briefly and Carys pushes a wheeled chair at Jack. He jumps it. CARYS : You won't stop me. Carys runs back down the stairs and Jack goes the other way to block her exit, prepared to fight. Carys picks up the jar with the hand. JACK : Put it down ! It's worthless to anyone but me ! Down now, or I'll shoot ! Jack draws his gun, but allows her to walk past him towards the exit, still carrying the hand. CARYS : So shoot me, you say you will, but the eyes say won't ! I'm going, don't stop me ! Carys pauses, in pain, fighting the alien. CARYS : Please, help me. Jack is briefly sympathetic and Carys enters the lift. The doors close and Jack runs up the stairs. Jack reaches the top at almost the same moment as Carys and runs after her. They enter the Tourist Information Office where Ianto is waiting. IANTO : Need me to do any attacking sir ? JACK : Appreciate the offer. Just open the door. Jack holsters his gun as Ianto opens the door. JACK : Now give me the jar. Jack holds out his hands for the jar with the hand. Carys pauses and then throws the jar on the desk where it smashes and rolls to the floor. Jack cries out in anguish and grabs the hand. Gwen and Toshiko enter notice Jack holding the twitching hand then run after Carys, searching for her but she has gone. INT. THE HUB They discuss Carys. GWEN : After all I said a severed hand is more important to you than Carys' life ? JACK : You wanna prove yourself ? Find her. Get your old pals in the police to do something useful for once. GWEN : Alright I'll give them a call. Put out an APB. Woman possessed by gas, nobbin' fellas to death. Jack rolls his eyes. Owen enters. OWEN : Oi, you better get in 'ere. They follow him into the autopsy room and watch him from the balcony as he stands behind his table. On the table sits a rat inside a glass tank. OWEN : So I was trying to interpret the results of the bio-scan., yeah but it's all just a mess, like there's no definitive readings; because everything in her body keeps changing, nothing stays constant. So as soon as you think you've got something clear, the metabolic rate, blood pressure or whatever, it all goes wild again. JACK : Because she's fighting the alien being for control over her own body. OWEN : Yeah so anyway I decided to do a comparative diagnostic, recreate the circumstances, accelerate the process a little. See what's gonna happen to Carys. GWEN : Yeah, thanks. OWEN : I infected the rat with a combination of the vorax and the ceronium gas traces we found down at the crash site and at the nightclub. TOSHIKO : Looks fine so far. OWEN : Once the gases start to flow round the body, the party really starts. The heart rate triples, the brain triples pressing against the side of the skull, as that keeps the lungs begin to shrink making it impossible to breathe and...the pressure increases on all the internal organs until... The rat explodes into a bloody mess in the glass tank. OWEN : Rat jam ! JACK : That's what's going to happen to Carys ? GWEN : I'm losing, that's what she said to me. OWEN : Right now it's a struggle between where Carys ends and the alien begins. EXT. A STREET IN CARDIFF Carys walks down the street, everywhere she looks couples are affectionate or there are posters with erotic images. INT. THE HUB GWEN : We have to think like her. Put ourselves in her place. It's the only way to find her. JACK : Except we don't know what her controlling impulse is right now. Carys, or the alien inside ? Last thing I saw was a fight for control. TOSHIKO : The overriding factor for the parasite is to have s*x. It's a survival instinct, it's bound to be the s strongest drive. GWEN : Alright say your Carys, you're desperate for s*x because that's what the thing inside you needs, but you know it will kill, where would you go ? OWEN : I'd come round and shag you. What ? It's a joke. Can't I ever have a joke with my team mates ? TOSHIKO : Right now, no. JACK : So what're we talking about ? Brothels, lap dance clubs, anywhere there's eager men. TOSHIKO : I know what I'd do. INT. EDDIE'S FLAT - DAY Carys has gone to visit her ex-boyfriend, Eddie. EDDIE : What the hell are you doing here ? You look a bit wired. CARYS : I had to see you. EDDIE : You shoulda called, Betha might've been in. CARYS : I could kill you. EDDIE : I could bloody kill you. What the hell was that message you left on my mobile last night ? Sounded like you were off your face. CARYS : If I wanted to, I could kill you, now. EDDIE : Look...I told you, I'm not leaving Betha. You're a lovely girl, but it's just not gonna happen. CARYS : You were my first, see. I never told you coz I thought you'd laugh, and you're crap. All you want to is to come and you don't care what's underneath. EDDIE : Oh yeah, have a go, get it outta your system. Carys suddenly clutches her stomach and leans over, fighting still. CARYS : Do you love me Eddie ? Did you ever love me ? EDDIE : Nah. CARYS : You could've saved yourself. Carys grabs Eddie and kisses him. EDDIE : What ? INT. EDDIE'S FLAT - LATER Jack and Gwen enter the flat, Carys has already gone. GWEN : We're too late. JACK : Tosh was right though. She went for the ex-boyfriend. Lucky she's young. Work your way through my back catalogue and we'll be here 'til the sun explodes. Jack leaves, followed by Gwen. GWEN : So where's she gonna go next ? JACK : And how long before that thing destroys her body. INT. TORCHWOOD SUV - NIGHT JACK : So what's our next move ? OWEN : Stop the entire city of Cardiff from shagging. GWEN : Put bromide in the water supply. JACK : No. To hit and miss. OWEN : Yeah and the water company got really pissed off the last time we did that. Gwen looks at him slightly shocked. TOCHIKO : It could've picked any body in Cardiff, why her ? GWEN : Just assumed it was random. JACK : Demanding Carys' life to get what it needs. OWEN : So what else do we know about her to give us leads ? JACK : Anything you can think of ? GWEN : What're you all looking at me for ? OWEN : You did all the profiling. GWEN : I don't know, sorry ! OWEN : She's really great under pressure. JACK : There's gotta be something. What did you say Carys' job was ? GWEN : Just a temp. A receptionist. JACK : Where's she working at the moment ? TOSHIKO : I could pull her employment files up... Conway clinic. OWEN : You're joking ! JACK : What's the problem ? OWEN : It's a bloody fertility clinic. Sperm donors, an unlimited supply of orgasmic energy without all the build up. JACK : Perfect hit. Jack turns the car round and heads to the clinic. INT. CONWAY CLINIC RECEPTIONIST : Carys, you're not on today are you ? CARYS : It needs more, the energy it's not lasting. RECEPTIONIST : Sorry... Carys punches the receptionist in the face. Over the intercom a voice says "Mr Turnstone, room number 1 is ready now." A man enters the room. Carys takes the sample pot from him. Off camera a scream is heard. INT. TORCHWOOD SUV Jack hands Gwen a gun. GWEN : What's this for ? JACK : Need a diagram ? GWEN : I've never used a gun. JACK : You were in the police. GWEN : I was on the beat. JACK : Carry it and make sure you don't need to use it. INT. A ROOM IN CONWAY CLINIC Carys is in the room with another donor. MAN : I'm asking for you to get out. CARYS : Just relax, I can help. MAN : I don't think so love, I'm gay ! INT. TORCHWOOD SUV GWEN : What do we do if we find her ? How are we going to get that thing out of her ? TOSHIKO : Judging by the test results the gas needed a host because prolonged exposure to our atmosphere is poisonous to it. So bodies are the perfect environment. JACK : So if we isolate it from Carys' body... OWEN : It won't survive for long. JACK : Sounds like we have ourselves a plan. GWEN : Force it to die. OWEN : Just like it did to those poor blokes. GWEN : What about Carys ? OWEN : Better start praying we get to her in time. INT. CONWAY CLINIC The Torchwood team enter the clinic. JACK : Out ! Out ! Get as far away as you can ! The men in the clinic leave as ordered. They search the building for men and for Carys. They enter rooms, guns leading, searching but in each room they find only piles of ash. GWEN : Oh god, how many more ? OWEN : (shouted out of shot) In 'ere ! They all enter the room and surround Carys. JACK : Nowhere to run. He points his gun at Carys. CARYS : All the s*x, all we see, all we think. So much beauty and so much fear. We want it but we're so afraid of... She cries out and collapses onto the floor, Gwen moves to her to assist. OWEN : The strain on her body is too much. Any second now, she's rat jam. CARYS : One more. Each time is less, each time the feelings weaker. Once more, make me feel alive. Make me feel human. She shakes Gwen, desperate. GWEN : I can't. JACK : I can. Jack moves to Carys and crouches before her. Gwen moves away. GWEN : Jack... JACK : I've got some surplus of a life, I'm giving it away. Jack places his hands on her cheeks. JACK : You really wanna feel something ? Jack kisses Carys. OWEN : What's he doing ? TOSHIKO : I dunno. Carys glows with golden light, similar to the orgasmic energy. JACK : That was just a kiss; imagine the buzz you'd get from the rest. Carys collapses. JACK : Wasn't exactly the reaction I anticipated. OWEN : Her body won't last much longer. GWEN : Use me. Leave Carys, take my body as host... Gwen her hands behind Carys' head. GWEN : Just let her live. Jack takes Gwen's arm to stop her. GWEN : I'm stronger than she is, I'll live longer, you might be able to save me. I dunno... JACK : Ok. TOSHIKO : Jack. You can't let her... JACK : Like she said, she's responsible for this. Gwen stands and makes demands of the alien inhabiting Carys. GWEN : Come on do it, leave her... The gas leaves Carys' body. It stops in front of Gwen for a second. Gwen closes her eyes. Jack gets the inflatable cell and it encloses the gas. Gwen opens her eyes. OWEN : How long can it survive in there ? TOSHIKO : It's pretty weak. Why ? OWEN : Bit worried about how long that battery will last for. GWEN : Look...it's dying. The gas disappears leaving a pile of dust behind it, the battery dies in the cell just after. Jack picks up and handful of the dust and then lets it trickle through his fingers. JACK : Travel halfway across the universe for the greatest s*x and still end up dying alone. Gwen bends down next to Jack, she leans over and puts her hand under his chin lifting his head slightly, and kisses him lightly on the lips. GWEN : Thank you. She gets up and walks away. Jack stops for a second, he breathes and then turns to watch her leave, he then places a finger on his lips. INT. CARYS' HOUSE Gwen brings in Carys, Jack is standing behind her dad. Her dad greets and hugs her. Jack smiles at Gwen. INT. THE HUB Gwen is taking down her display on Carys' life. Jack walks in. JACK : Still here ? Everybody else is off doing... whatever it is they do when they're not here. GWEN : How long you been there ? He shrugs and smiles, she smiles back and continues taking down the papers. GWEN : I wanted to finish off. JACK : Do one thing for me. Don't let the job consume you. You have a life, perspective, we need that. Gwen finishes taking down the papers and puts her hands on her hips. GWEN : Who are you Jack ? JACK : I'm sorry. GWEN : You can't die. You tell me the 21st century is when it all changes... hat we have to be ready. JACK : So you do. GWEN : But how can you know ? JACK : You think knowing the answers will make you feel better ? GWEN : Who are you, what are you doing here ? JACK : Go home Gwen Cooper. Eat lasagne, kiss your boyfriend, be normal... forme. INT. GWEN'S HOUSE Gwen and Rhys eat dinner - lasagne. Rhys is talking about work, Gwen is not listening. RHYS : Am I boring you ? GWEN : Sorry. RHYS : Too good now to care about transport routes are we ? He smiles and Gwen kisses him. GWEN : Let's go to bed. FLYOVER CARDIFF BAY

Plan: A: first day; Q: What day is it for Gwen? A: the job; Q: What is Gwen's first day on? A: a mysterious gas; Q: What did Gwen accidentally release? A: sex; Q: What is the alien addicted to? A: the inhabited body; Q: What must Torchwood find? Summary: It's Gwen's first day on the job, and it's not going very well. After accidentally releasing a mysterious gas from a comet that landed, a new type of alien is let loose on the streets - an alien that's addicted to sex. Torchwood must find the inhabited body, and prevent any more deaths from this violent form of sex.

Ted from 2030: Kids, when you reach your late twenty, you might be surpise to discover you still don't have life quite figured out. Like with aunt Lily. Even though she was back from San Francisco, she was still on a quest to find herself. Robin's apartment. Lily: It's just that all I've ever done is teach kindergarten. I want to get out there and change the world. I want to find my passion. Ted from 2030: And she did find it. Lily (coming in Robin's): I'm going to be a life coach. Ted from 2030: In fact, she found it again and again. Lily: I'm going to be a marine biologist... Slam poet... Beekeeper! Not a beekeeper. Robin (on the phone): Her newest lifelong dream? Singing in a punk rock band. Ted: What is she doing for money through all this? Robin: Oh, she's been waiting tables at Big Wave Luau. Ted: Wait, you mean that hawaiian place where they wear those embarrassing outfits? Robin: No. Big Wave Luau. Marshall: Here she comes. Here she comes. Lily: Welcome to big Wave Luau. Can I tiki your drink order? Aw, crap. Robin: I'm sorry. Barney: Oh, hi, Lily. We were just in the neighborhood, thought we'd get some lunch. We didn't even know you'd be here. (Marshall takes a photo of her). Lily: What do you want? Ted: I don't think that's how you're supposed to greet a customer at Big Wave Luau. Lily: Aloha, island visitors. The big wave brought you to our humble luau. For that, we thank you. Or in my native tongue, mahalo. Barney: I didn't catch your name. Did you guys catch her name? Ted: No. Lily: My name is Anuhea. It means cool and fragrant,much like any of our 12 specialty drinks. Ted: Robin, nothing to add? Robin: No. Lily is my friend and I'm not going to make fun of her for trying to follow her dreams. Lily: Thank you. Robin: Although, you might want to bring out the big hawaiian drum because I'm pretty sure today's my birthday. CREDIT TITLES MacLaren's. Marshall: I've never need the beer more than I do right now. Ted: I thought you said your semester was gonna be a piece of cake. I remember because you were eating a piece of cake at the time and you said, "dude, my semester is gonna be this." Marshall: Yeah, well, it was supposed to be, but my professor's like the toughest grader I've ever seen. She had like a bad divorce this summer and now she's taking it out on us. To tell you the truth, I think she just needs to get laid. Barney: Really? Laid, you say? Marshall: You wouldn't be into her.She's, like, in her late 40s. Barney: She hot? Marshall: Yeah, I guess she's kind of hot, yeah. Barney: And she's looking for some action. Sounds to me like she could be a cougar. Robin: A what? Barney: A cougar. An older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single and on the prowl for a younger man. Ted: What's a woman in her 60s or 70s? A turtle? Barney: Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge. Marshall: I didn't challenge you to have s*x with... Barney: Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins. Lily (arriving): So, I quit my job. I just couldn't take it anymore. Approximately 50 times a day, some guy asks me for a lei... Marshall: Classic. Robin: Ted, didn't you tell me they need a new assistant in your office? Ted: Yeah. Somebody did just quit. [FLASHBACK. Ted's office] Ted: So, where should we eat today? (looking at the assistant with a whole chicken in a container) Oh awesome, you brought lunch for everyone? (the girl leaves, crying) [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: Dude, that is cold-blooded. Ted: It was an honest mistake. Look, when somebody opens up a container with an entire chicken in it, it's okay to assume they made lunch for everyone. Robin: Ted, that girl didn't quit. You destroyed her. Ted: It was an whole chicken. And did I mention she had 12 sides? Barney: Oh, now you're gonna bash her figure. Real classy, Ted. Ted: So, Lily, what do you say? Do you want the job? Lily: What would I be doing? Ted: Basically, you're sort of a general office assistant. Ted's office. Ted: You'll sit there. My station is right over here. And things are a little bit crazy right now 'cause we're pitching a new building to a big client. Lily: Oh, right, is that the...? Ted: Yeah. Here's the model. Lily: You weren't kidding. It really does look like a giant pen1s. Ted: I know. For whatever reason, Mr. Druthers just doesn't see it. Lily: How can he not see it? I mean there's the... Ted: I know. Lily: And the way it... Ted: I know. Lily: And the two little... Ted: I know. Lily: It is just... Mr Druthers (arriving): Spectacular? Why, thank you. Ted: Lily, this is Mr. Druthers, the head architect on the project. Lily's going to be our new office assistant. Mr Druthers: Ah. Lily: Nice to meet you. Mr Druthers: Isn't it? Ted, I looked at your design for the penthouse balcony. Tell me, do you want to be an architect? Ted: I, uh... I am an architect. Mr Druthers: Really? Well, my six-year-old nephew plays with legos. Is he an architect? Ted: Well, not unless he somehow passed all his licensing exams. Mr Druthers: Ted, you've got promise. But you have to study what I do more carefully. Now I want you to design some styrofoam trees for the building model. Think you can handle that? Ted: Absolutely. Mr Druthers: So you're going to design the... Ted: Styrofoam trees. Mr Druthers: Once again, with feeling. Ted: Styrofoam trees. Mr Druthers: Styrofoam trees! Ted: Styrofoam trees! Mr Druthers: That's the spirit. Now, gather 'round. This isn't just about trees, Ted. This is about life. And sometimes in life, you have to get the trees just right or you're fired, hmm? (He leaves) Lily: Man, that guy is a total, well... (gestures to the building model) Marshall's law school. Marshall: Okay, wait, wait, wait. That's professor Lewis's office there. Barney: Okay, let's take a look. Oh, yeah, it's a cougar all right. A prime specimen. See, you can identify a cougar by a few key characteristics. Start with the hair. The cougar keeps up with current hairstyles as a form of camouflage. The prey may not realize that he's engaged a cougar until he's already being dragged, helpless, back to her lair. Now, the blouse. The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. If you're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce. See the claws? Long and sharp, to ward off rival females... Or open alimony checks. Yeah, this one's a beaut. Okay, let the hunt begin. Marshall: Wait, wait, wait.I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with you hunting my constitutional law professor. Barney: Who do you rather have grading your papers: a savage, man-eating jungle cat, or a purring, satisfied kitty? Marshall: Go, Barney. Go mount and stuff that cougar. Barney (stepping into the office, speaking with an Italian accent): Scusi, I am Luigi, italian exchange student. I was, uh, walking to class, but then I noticed you... Bella principessa... Pr Lewis: Tell me what you want or get out. Barney: Direct. I like that. The name's Barney. What I want... is you. Pr Lewis: Turn around. My place. Two hours. Don't be tardy. MacLaren's. Lily: I can't believe how Mr. Druthers treats people. And that building? Talk about overcompensating. Ted: He's not usually this bad. It's just that the partners have made it very clear this project is make or break for us, so lately he's been a little testy. (The girls giggle) You know what I mean: crotchety. (Giggles) I'm just saying it's been hard on him. (More giggles). All right stop. Robin: Did you show lily your design? Ted: No. Lily: What design? Ted: It's nothing. Robin: It's fantastic. Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design. And it doesn't look at all like male genitalia. At least, not healthy male genitalia. Lily: Ted, you should pitch your building to Druthers. Ted: Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers. He's a legend. I'm just part of his team. This building is huge for the firm, so it's really important we don't blow it. (Giggles) All right, enough! Pr Lewis' apartment. Barney: Oh, my god. Incredible. Pr Lewis: Hmm... C minus. Barney: C minus? What are you talking about? I just pulled an all-nighter! Pr Lewis: You didn't budget your time well, you glossed over some of the most important points, and your oral presentation was sloppy and inconclusive. Ted's office. Lily: Mr. Druthers asked if you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own. Then he stared at me until I laughed. Ted: Okay, I'm done. Lily: Great. I'll put the paints away. You just go show him. Ted: Great. Thanks. Mr Druthers: Well, finally. I wondered whether you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own. Ted: Good one, sir. Anyway, here they are. Mr Druthers: Too green. Ted: Too green? Mr Druthers: Yes, the leaves should really be more of a natural brown color. Almost brunette. And think bushier. I want this tower to rise from a thicket of wild, ungroomed, brunette shrubbery. Can you picture it, Ted? Ted: I can't un-picture it. Mr Druthers: Good. Oh, my God! It's gone! Ted: What? What's gone? Mr Druthers: My baseball signed three times by Pete Rose. Ted: Well, it's got to be around here somewhere. Mr Druthers: What do you think, Ted, it just let itself out of its plastic case and rolled away? Somebody stole it. Ted: Well, um, I better get back to these styrofoam trees. Mr Druthers: Oh, who cares about the trees? It's just busy work to make you feel like you're contributing. Ted: Inspiring as always, sir. Lily? Where's she put those paints? (Ted opens one of Lily's desk drawers and find the ball) [SCENE_BREAK] MacLaren's. Lily: Hey. Ted: Hey. Um, Lily, question for you. Why did I find Mr. Druthers' baseball signed three times by Pete Rose in your desk drawer? Lily: That's easy. I took it. Ted: Why? Lily: It's simple. [FLASHBACK]Mr Druthers: I can't believe there's no horseradish for the roast beef. I guess you were sick the day they taught that at sandwich university Mr Druthers: Mother, no one from the nursing home is stealing from you. I didn't get you a birthday present. Mr Druthers (to a kid): What? You gonna cry? Huh? Little crybaby's going to cry? Hey, everybody, look! The little crybaby's gonna cry! I lost my ice cream! [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Okay, I may have exaggerated that last one, but the point is, he was mean. And that's why I took away his ball. Ted: What does his ball have to do with anything? Lily: Druthers has to be taught he can't behave like that. When I was teaching kindergarten,whenever a kid was mean, I would take away one of his toys. The kid would be upset at first,but then he'd learn to stop being mean. Robin: Hey, guys. What's going on? Ted: Lily stole my boss' baseball signed three times by Pete Rose. Robin: Why? Was he being mean? Ted: You know about this? Robin: Yeah. It's her own personal form of justice. Did you tell him about that time at the Gap? Lily: Oh, that was a good one. This sales guy was rude to Robin, so I took a pair of khakis. Robin: I gave them to you for your birthday. Ted: So I've been walking around in stolen khakis? Lily: I prefer to call them "justice khakis." Ted: That's not justice. It's shoplifting,and it's a crime. Lily: So is being mean. Ted: Lily, your little system doesn't even make sense. In kindergarten, the kid knew why he was being punished. Druthers just thinks someone stole his ball. Lily: Well, that's why I left a note. Ted: A note? Lily: Yeah. When he finds it, he'll understand why his ball was taken away, he'll stop being mean, and the office will be a nicer place to work. Maybe he'll even be open to hearing your ideas. Ted: Look, Lil, we're all tolerating this prolonged nervous breakdown you're clearly having, with the punk band and the beekeeping and the petty larceny, but this is my career you're messing with. Lily: I'm not sure I like your tone. You know what? Now you just lost the ball. At the apartment. Marshall: I'd ask you how last night went, but we had a pop quiz today. Nobody got higher than a c-minus. Barney: I know, I know. Marshall: You claim to have so much s*x. I only assumed you'd be good at it. Barney: Look, I miscalculated. I thought she'd be old and fragile, like most cougars. But kitty's got claws. Don't worry though. Tonight, I'm seeing her again. Marshall: Just let it go, man. You're making things worse. Barney: I promise you, after tonight, that cougar will be my pet, and I its master. Pr Lewis' apartment. Barney: I think I'm falling in love with you. Pr Lewis: Oh, God. That wasn't your first time, was it? Although that would explain a lot. Barney: What? No.We had s*x yesterday. Pr Lewis: Oh, right. That. Well, you had s*x yesterday. I revised my syllabus for the spring semester. Ted's office. Ted: When Druthers goes to get his bagel, I'll go in, grab the note, put the ball back. If something goes wrong, yell out, "who wants espresso?" So I'll know he's coming. Got it? Okay, now give me the ball. Lily: No. Ted: What do you mean, no? Lily: I mean I stand by what I did, Ted. Ted: Come on, Lily. We're running out of time. Mr Druthers: Everybody get in here now! Lily: "Who wants espresso?" Mr Druthers: Now, as most of you know, my Pete Rose, Pete Rose, Pete Rose baseball has been stolen. Well, I just found this note. "Dear mr. Druthers,I, your baseball, am leaving. Maybe, if you start being nice, I'll come back. If not, other things in your office may follow my lead. In fact, I overheard your iPod talking, and he may shuffle off at any minute." Normally, I would scream at everyone until my voice goes, but maybe that's the wrong reaction here. Lily: Interesting. Mr Druthers: Instead, I'm giving my baseball until the end of the day to decide he's homesick, or, tomorrow morning, I'll begin firing three people an hour. And, if the thief doesn't believe me, well, then you are gambling more than Pete Rose - major league baseball's all-time hit leader, a man whose absence from the hall of fame is a travesty to the entire sports world - ever "allegedly" did! Lily: Wow. Looks like bye-bye, iPod. Ted: Give him his ball back right now. People are going to get fired. Lily: No, they're not. It's just a tantrum, Ted. I saw this in kindergarten all the time. Ted: This isn't kindergarten. Mr Druthers is an adult, and he wants his ball back. Lily: All right, I'll give it back if you show him your plans. Ted: No. You'll give it back or you're fired. Lily: I'm sorry, Ted. I just can't do that. Ted: Then you're fired. Lily: Fine. Here's the ball. At least you have one now. MacLaren's. Marshall: Dude, you're killing me. You didn't tame the cougar. You just made her angrier. Barney: Do you not see the powerbar in my hand? I'm fueling up. Marshall: So you're going back over there? Barney: Oh, yeah. And tonight, just like John Mellencamp, I am going to get rid of the "cougar" once and for all. Get it? 'Cause that's what he did with his name. Pr Lewis' apartment. Barney: I can't stop thinking about you. Please give me another chance. Pr Lewis: Barney, I teach all day. It's the last thing I want to do when I get home. Barney: But you don't understand. See, I've been going easy on you, holding back, 'cause I was afraid you'd break a hip or something. But, this time, no mercy.I don't care how long it takes days, weeks, half a year. Pr Lewis: Fine.Come in. You can start while I finish grading some papers. Ted's office. Mr Druthers: Hurry up. Clients will be here any moment. Now, slide it closer to his chair. I want this thing to really smack him in the face. Ted: Mr. Druthers, thank you again for understanding about Lily. Mr Druthers: Oh. Well, I pity her. I mean, to steal from my office and then write that slanderous note... You might say that Lily was mentally deranged. You might say that, Ted. Ted: Lily was mentally deranged. Mr Druthers: You might even say it loud enough for everyone to hear. Ted: Lily was mentally deranged! Mr Druthers: Oh! That's a bit harsh, don't you think, Ted? Man: The clients are here. Mr Druthers: Excellent. Bring them in. Ted from 2030: Our client was a major bank and financial services company in Spokane. They wanted a modern skyscraper that still captured the distinct flavor and history of the northwest. Mr Druthers: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Spokane national bank building. Client: That's a pen1s! Mr Druthers: That's... that's ridiculous. There's no way this majestic tower can be confused with the male organ of love. Client: We're not building a pen1s. You got any other ideas? Mr Druthers: Other ideas? You said you wanted Hammond Druthers. This is Hammond Druthers. Client: Well, hats off to your ladyfriends, but I'm not building it. We're done here. Ted from 2030: The trajectory of my entire career might have been different had I not unwittingly worn my justice khakis that day. Ted: Wait! We have one more idea for you. Mr Druthers: Ted, what are you doing? Ted: I have another design. Mr Druthers: Sit down, shut up right now. Ted: No. MacLaren's. Robin: To Ted! The youngest person to ever design a building over 70 stories... Probably! All: Probably! Lily: Congrats, ted. Ted: Hey, thanks for telling me to stand up to Druthers and pitch my idea. Seriously, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you. Lily: Oh. You know what, Ted? That was very nice. You have earned these screws back. Don't sit in your desk chair until you've put them back in. Ted: Hey, I'm project manager now, so, if you want your old job back... Lily: No, thanks. I think I figured out what I want to be when I grow up. Lily's kindergarten. Lily: Casey, that's not how we treat people. You'll get this back when you learn to be nice. Hospital. Robin: Barney! Oh, my god! Ted: What happened? Pr Lewis: He broke his hip. Barney: That's not true. It's just temporarily dislocated. Seriously, I'm fine. Pr Lewis: No, he's not fine. Marshall: Professor Lewis, hi. Pr Lewis: Mr. Eriksen. Hello. I graded your paper tonight. I was pleasantly surprised. Barney: Yeah, she was. Pr Lewis: B plus. Barney: B-plus?! Marshall, after I've gone through my eight weeks of physical therapy, I am going to get you that "A"! Marshall: Let her go. She belongs out there in the wild. You should feel proud. You fought the cougar and lived. Barney: It was an amazing safari. I can't wait to show you guys the slides!

Plan: A: Swarley; Q: What is Barney mistakenly called at a coffee shop? A: all day; Q: How long do Barney's friends call him Swarley? A: Marshall; Q: Who starts dating a woman? A: crazy eyes; Q: What do Barney and Ted say is wrong with Marshall's new girlfriend? Summary: Barney is mistakenly called Swarley at a coffee shop and his friends call him Swarley all day. Marshall starts dating a woman and they really hit it off, but Barney and Ted tell him he has to dump her because she has "crazy eyes".

The Seeds of Death By Brian Hayles and Terrance Dicks 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: MOON-CONTROL (Zoe starts to creep back along the dais as the Ice-Warrior turns.) PHIPPS: Look out Zoe! (The warrior's gun flashes and Phipps dies in a distorted haze of treacly air. Zoe is cornered, standing on the dais before the pulsing screen of lights there is nowhere she can run in time to escape from a second deadly blast. She looks desperately at Fewsham as a rabbit caught in the headlights of a speeding car.) ZOE: Well help me can't you?! Help me! (Fewsham nervously shakes his head at Zoe as the Ice-Warrior, with a deliberate laggard grace borne of pure sadism, aims it's weapon. Fewsham rushes up to the warrior and attempts to pull its arm, and gets swatted out of the way like an annoying bug. He gets up and tries again, and the warrior turns and knocks Fewsham about a bit, but before it can aim at Zoe again it puts it's two clamp-like hands to it's head and falls to the ground overcome by the efficient heating system of the base just in time. Zoe jumps down from the dais and skids across the floor to where Fewsham is groggily lying.) ZOE: Are you alright? FEWSHAM: Yes I-I am. Who are you, what are you doing here? ZOE: Oh well nevermind that, I thought you were on their side! FEWSHAM: Is that what they all think? ZOE: Oh well you have been helping them haven't you. FEWSHAM: I had no alternative, they'd have killed me! ZOE: Well look, where are the other Ice-Warriors? FEWSHAM: I think they've gone to their ship, but they'll be coming back, we must get out of here. ZOE: Oh but how? FEWSHAM: Look, I can get you back to Earth. T-Mat is working again. ZOE: Oh! Well I'll get back to the others and tell them the good news. (She rushes over to the maintenance hatch and slips away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: SOLAR-POWER STORE-ROOM (With Jamie and Kelly still hiding, the Ice-Warrior walks towards the door, but before it can get there the Doctor begins to moan deliriously to himself. The warrior turns and walks back over to the table he is lying on.) DOCTOR: Ohh. Oh ooh oh. Oh my... Oh Victoria, Jamie... Ah...oh. (As the creature aims at the defenceless form of the Doctor Jamie leaps out and brings his metal bar crashing down on the Martian's sonic-gun damaging the sensitive weapon. The warrior knocks Jamie into the middle of the room with a swipe of it's massive arm Kelly rushes forward to assist and is similarly knocked aside. Jamie runs at the creature for another attempt but it anticipates this and grabs his wrists in it's clamp-like hands. Crying out in agony, Jamie is forced down to the floor.) JAMIE: Argh...no..! (The warrior lets Jamie go and aims it's weapon at Kelly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, STOCK FOOTAGE: THERMOMETER (The Moonbase's heating system rapidly zooms towards 80 degrees.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY STORE-ROOM (Moments later it's head sinks into it's crusty carapace and it collapses onto the floor, whether it is as a result of a discharge it's own damaged weapon or simply the heat is unclear.) DOCTOR: Oh...oh well done Jamie! KELLY: Are you alright? DOCTOR: Yes, I think so...ooh. Or a little bit dizzy, it's so hot in here! JAMIE: Aye, lucky for us. Zoe and Phipps turned the heating up just in time. DOCTOR: What? But-but where are they now? KELLY: They went though the maintenance tunnel to the main control room. (As the Doctor mops his forehead with a red and white spotted handkerchief he notices Zoe crawling out of the maintenance hatch.) DOCTOR: Ah, Zoe! ZOE: Oh Doctor! Oh are you alright? DOCTOR: Yes, I-I think so. ZOE: Good. JAMIE: Where's Phipps? ZOE: He's dead, an Ice Warrior killed him. DOCTOR: Oh! KELLY: Well how did you manage to escape? ZOE: That other man helped me. KELLY: Fewsham? ZOE: Yes. KELLY: Well I thought that he was working for them! ZOE: He saved my life. KELLY: Doesn't sound much like Fewsham. ZOE: He attacked a warrior. He's also got T-Mat working again. DOCTOR: Well do I gather we can get back to Earth then? ZOE: Yes, I think so. KELLY: Well let's not waste any more time. ZOE: No, come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: EARTH-CONTROL (Radnor paces about the control room.) RADNOR: Well that's all we need! (Eldred wanders over.) ELDRED: What is it? RADNOR: Gregson's here. ELDRED: Gregson eh? RADNOR: Sir James Gregson. ELDRED: United Nations Plenipotentiary. RADNOR: Minister with special responsibility for T-Mat. (Eldred grins mischievously.) ELDRED: ...And your boss in other words! (The door opens and a small silver haired officious-looking gentleman steps into the room unseen by Radnor.) RADNOR: Oh don't! GREGSON: Radnor I've read your report. (Radnor guiltily snaps to attention.) GREGSON: I can't make head nor tail of it. (He looks down his nose at the Professor.) GREGSON: Who's this? RADNOR: Ah, Professor Eldred sir. ELDRED: How do you do. (Gregson ignores Eldred and strides over to examine a workstation.) GREGSON: Ah well. RADNOR: He's helping me sir. GREGSON: This breakdown of T-Mat, er what is the position now? RADNOR: Er, still no contact yet with Moonbase. GREGSON: And what are you doing about it? RADNOR: We've got people up there. GREGSON: How did you get them there without T-Mat? RADNOR: We sent a rocket sir. Professor Eldred is an expert in rocketry. GREGSON: Oh I see. And er, what happened to the rocket. RADNOR: Well it's rather difficult to say sir. We lost radio contact with it soon after take-off. GREGSON: Is that all you've done? RADNOR: Oh no. No, my Chief-Technician Kelly has also gone to Moonbase. GREGSON: Oh, more rockets? RADNOR: No sir, she went by T-Mat. GREGSON: But T-Mat isn't working. RADNOR: Well T-Mat started to function again sir, so Miss Kelly went to the Moonbase wher-with a repair team. GREGSON: So you had a full report from her? RADNOR: Well no sir, er soon after take off er, T-Mat ceased to function again. GREGSON: But this is quite ridiculous! T-Mat out of action and then this sudden outbreak of some sort of crop blight. RADNOR: Ah, now you see sir, think that's connected... GREGSON: As for this incredible story about a monster from outer-space... RADNOR: Well you see Sir James I think I owe you an explanation... GREGSON: Er, what happened about this creature? Have you any more news? ELDRED: No, it seems to have completely disappeared. (Eldred moves to a transparent map of the local area and points.) ELDRED: It was reported here. Then it was seen by some workmen here, and the last sighting was by the Weather-Control Bureau there. [SCENE_BREAK] 7, EXT: EARTH CONTROL GROUNDS (The Ice-Warrior plods on through the foamy sludge. A huge shadow falls across an engraved plaque which reads "Weather-Control STATION". It continues on towards a futuristic-looking building and up a ramp. It casually pushes the large metal door open and walks inside. In the grounds the foamy mass continues it's advances.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL (A member of weather station personnel is checking some reading on a clipboard, when he hears a hissing breathing coming from behind. He looks at the warrior in astonishment, and attempts to run away, but the creature blocks the way to the exit. The technician rushes towards a small catwalk at the back of the room and runs to the middle and stops squinting at the warrior as if he expects it to be pursuing him, in seconds he is dead. Turning from the corpse, the warrior lumbers over to a small console marked "Weather-Control UNIT" and pulls the levers one by one towards the "DRY" setting. It then fires it's weapon at the machine locking the levers and warping the casing and creating numerous dribbling rivulets of molten metal.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: MOON-CONTROL (The Doctor, Kelly and Fewsham are talking while Jamie and Zoe hover in the background.) FEWSHAM: But I had to help them or they would have killed me! KELLY: Alright Fewsham, there'll be a full tribunal when we get back to Earth. We've no more time to waste here, we must T-Mat back to Earth immediately. DOCTOR: But if we're all going who is going to dispatch us? FEWSHAM: Look, there's a way of doing that. DOCTOR: Uh? FEWSHAM: Here this is a time-switch. DOCTOR: Oh. FEWSHAM: It delays transportation by ten seconds. DOCTOR: Oh I see, very ingenious. FEWSHAM: Now I'll dispatch you and follow using the time-switch. DOCTOR: Righto. Jamie, Zoe Come along. I think this could be quite fun you know. JAMIE: Oh ar. (The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe get into a cubicle. Kelly moves sternly to Fewsham.) KELLY: Fewsham, that time-switch was down on the maintenance report as being inoperable. FEWSHAM: We repaired it. (Fewsham operates a control and the occupants of the cubical vanish with a rush of wind.) JAMIE: In you get Miss Kelly. (Kelly opens her mouth to protest.) JAMIE: Look I'll use the time switch. You'd better hurry or those Ice Warriors could be back any minute! [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: EARTH-CONTROL (The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe disembark the cubicle on Earth.) DOCTOR: You know, I-I find T-Mat travel rather disappointing. There's no sensation at all. RADNOR: Where have you been? DOCTOR: Ah. RADNOR: And what have you been up to all this time? And where's Miss Kelly? DOCTOR: Oh well... (There is a chime and Miss Kelly appears in the cubicle.) DOCTOR: Miss Kelly, Miss Kelly! What's happening up there? GREGSON: Will somebody kindly tell me what's happening down here? Who are these people? Is T-Mat working again? (There is a confused gabbling of questions and answers from all sides.) DOCTOR: P-please! Let us answer one question at a time! ELDRED: Doctor, do you know there's been a alien here? JAMIE: An Ice-Warrior, here? DOCTOR: Jamie I am not surprised. They have taken over the whole of Moonbase. RADNOR: What about the crew? KELLY: All dead except for Fewsham. RADNOR: And you left him there? KELLY: Well he said he'd follow using the time-switch. DOCTOR: He should be back. RADNOR: Well what's happened? (Kelly checks the report.) KELLY: I thought so! The time-switch is out of order. DOCTOR: What? But... But he said he was going to repair it! KELLY: He was lying. RADNOR: But why? KELLY: Well he's obviously working for them! DOCTOR: Then why did he let us escape? [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: MOON-CONTROL (Fewsham stands alone in the control room when he hears a cold hissing breath. He slumps himself over the console as Slaar shambles into view. Laboriously the Ice-Lord makes his way over to the dais and walks across, turning the heating down as far as it will go.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, STOCK FOOTAGE: THERMOMETER (The thermometer creeps down towards zero.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: MOON-CONTROL (Fewsham gets up and walks across the dais to the Ice-Lord. They stand silhouetted against the glowing screen.) SLAAR: What has happened here? FEWSHAM: The others, they got in through the grille and turned up the heating. SLAAR: Where are they now? FEWSHAM: They went back to Earth by T-Mat. SLAAR: Why did you not go with them. FEWSHAM: I refused. That's why they attacked me. SLAAR: Refused? Why? FEWSHAM: What do you think would have happened to me back on Earth? I'd have been executed as a traitor! SLAAR: So you hope to live longer by staying here. You value your life, that is good. You will live if you help us when the invasion fleet arrives. FEWSHAM: You're going to land on Earth? SLAAR: No, our warriors will land here on the moon. When the seed pods have done their work on Earth it will be time to commence the second stage of our plan. [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: EARTH-CONTROL (The Doctor orates the people in Earth-Control like a professional tactician.) DOCTOR: But don't you see gentlemen? The invasion of Moonbase, the taking over of T-Mat, the seed pods, the arrival of an Ice-Warrior; it's all part of the same plan! RADNOR: Plan? What plan? GREGSON: But all the incidents are so unrelated, this fungus everywhere, what's that got to do with it? DOCTOR: Well I'm not sure yet... Have your people been able to make anything of it? RADNOR: Well it's indestructible. We've attacked it in every possible way, but without success. DOCTOR: Yes, but have you tried to understand it? RADNOR: Are you suggesting we should psycho-analyse it Doctor? DOCTOR: I'm only suggesting that instead of trying to destroy it you find out it's composition and purpose! ELDRED: Well there's laboratory equipment in my workshop - you can use that. DOCTOR: Good. Then we must find a sample. RADNOR: Well no problem about that, the gardens are full of the stuff. DOCTOR: Fine, then there's no time to be lost. ELDRED: I'll get some equipment for you. RADNOR: Uh, Doctor. Do be careful, those pod things are deadly. DOCTOR: Don't worry I've already had experience. I'll be careful. (The Doctor and Eldred wander off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: LOUNGE AREA (In another section of the base Jamie, Zoe and Miss Kelly are sipping drinks from straw-pocked milkshake cartons.) ZOE: But why did Fewsham stay on the moon? KELLY: Pretty obvious. He was too scared to come back here and face an inquiry. ZOE: But he wasn't afraid to stay up there with the Ice-Warriors. Well, given the choice I know which I'd rather face. JAMIE: Aye. KELLY: There's no time to worry about Fewsham, we must get T-Mat working. ZOE: But I thought T-Mat was working again now? KELLY: It is working - still controlled from the moon. I must find a way of controlling it from the Earth. ZOE: But is that possible? Don't you need the moon as a relay? KELLY: There might be a way... I must talk to Commander Radnor about it. (Kelly exits.) JAMIE: Zoe look, do you think that the Doctor knows what he's doing messing about with that foam stuff? ZOE: Oh don't worry Jamie. He'll be alright. JAMIE: Oh yes. [SCENE_BREAK] 16, EXT: EARTH-CONTROL GROUNDS (The Doctor scrapes some of the fungus away from the mass with a plastic spatula and deposit it into a glass beaker. Before him a large wobbly pustule expands and erupts gassily in his face causing him to jump back with his handkerchief over his mouth. Throwing caution to the wind he rushes back to the foam and scrapes the beaker along the surface filling it to overflowing in seconds. He surreptitiously rushes away from the deadly fungus.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: EARTH-CONTROL RADNOR: Do you really think it could work? KELLY: It couldn't be as effective as the Moonbase of course, which handles up to two-million microwave channels simultaneously - the satellite would take just a few thousand. GREGSON: But that would be enough for vital food supplies. RADNOR: But surely we can't use the normal communications satellites, they're not programmed for T-Mat. KELLY: No, we'd have to send up a specially programmed one. ZOE: But that would mean using a rocket wouldn't it? I thought that no-one used them nowadays? KELLY: Not manned rockets, but we do send up satellites for communications. RADNOR: How soon can you get one up? KELLY: Well I don't know. If it were given top priority... [SCENE_BREAK] 18, STOCK SHOT: MICROSCOPE (Under the microscope fungal fronds spread out.) DOCTOR OOV: Yes i-it's organic. [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: ELDRED'S LAB (The Doctor looks up from the microscope. All around him is a tiny makeshift lab.) DOCTOR: It's live. Definitely a fungus composition ah... (The Doctor picks up a model of beads and wires that represent the molecular structure of the fungus.) DOCTOR: You're sure that this is correct? ELDRED: As far as I can make out it is. DOCTOR: A molecule of five atoms absorbs oxygen. You know a complete blanket of this would reduce the oxygen content of the Earth's atmosphere quite drastically. ELDRED: According to my calculations to one twentieth of normal. DOCTOR: And make the Earth completely uninhabitable to the human race, but exactly like the atmosphere of Mars. (He gazes in admiration as the sludgy foam struggles out of the neck of it's glass beaker.) DOCTOR: Look at that, even without vegetation to feed on it's still active. (Suddenly a pustule-like pod begins to grow amid the slime.) DOCTOR: Ah! ELDRED: Look out Doctor, if that thing explodes in here the fumes will kill us. Come on Doctor! DOCTOR: Just a minute, there must be some way of... (He rushes to a collection of glass vials and beakers and begins to snatch them at random. One by one each is tipped over the pustule, but none seem to slow it down in the slightest.) DOCTOR: Sulphuric acid...hydrochloric acid...nitric acid... (In desperation he snatches a nearby glass beaker and empties that over it, the results are instant. The pod shrinks and the foam begins to melt away.) ELDRED: You've done it! Well what was it, w-what did you throw on it? (The Doctor offers the beaker to Eldred.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: EARTH-CONTROL (Zoe is listening to a report by the computer, trying to trace the location of the warrior.) COMPUTER: EXTENSIVE SEARCH BY SECURITY FORCES REVEALS NO TRACE OF ALIEN CREATURE. MESSAGE ENDS. ZOE: So that warrior is still roaming around loose somewhere. JAMIE: But why did they only send one of them? ZOE: Well perhaps he's got to report back somehow. (The Doctor's face appears on the video-link.) DOCTOR: Is Commander Radnor there please? Uh...Aha, Zoe! Is Radnor there? ZOE: Ah, no he's in conference with Miss Kelly and Sir James Gregson. DOCTOR: Ah I see. Zoe it's the most wonderful news, we've found a way of destroying the fungus! ZOE: Well what is it? DOCTOR: Water. Ordinary water. JAMIE: Mm? ZOE: Oh but Doctor surely water would... DOCTOR: There-there's no time to explain now. Ah, apparently there is a Weather-Control Bureau somewhere - I want you to get in touch with them. ZOE: Well can't you reach them on the video-phone? DOCTOR: Well, no. No-no, I've tried, but they're not answering or it's..or it's broken down or something. ZOE: Well what do you want me to do? DOCTOR: Well get in touch with Commander Radnor and ask him to get hold of the Weather-Control Bureau people and to make rain. As much rain as possible all over the entire country! ZOE: Alright Doctor I'll tell him. DOCTOR: Right. Professor and I are coming back now. ZOE: Yes. DOCTOR: Goodbye. (The screen plips off.) ZOE: Oh but Doctor, suppose that... Oh.! JAMIE: Hey, er, how do we get hold of Commander Radnor. ZOE: We'll ask the computer. JAMIE: Do yo know how it works? ZOE: Yes of course. (She addresses the machine.) ZOE: Put me in touch with Commander Radnor at once. COMPUTER: COMMANDER RADNOR ENGAGED IN TOP LEVEL T-MAT CONFERENCE WITH CHIEF TECHNICIAN KELLY AND SIR JAMES GREGSON. ZOE: But this is urgent, I must talk to him at once! COMPUTER: COMMANDER RADNOR NOT AVAILABLE. JAMIE: Oh now what do we do? ZOE: Well we just have to go to the Weather Bureau ourselves! JAMIE: But we don't know where it is! ZOE: Well we'll have to try and find it. Come on! JAMIE: Oh Zoe! [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: MOON-CONTROL (Two Ice-Warriors wheel in an oddly shaped piece of machinery resembling the huge twisted coil of an electromagnet, but with a screen and a set of controls built into the top.) SLAAR: There. FEWSHAM: What is it? SLAAR: Communications unit from our ship. Connect it to the solar batteries. (Fewsham examines the top of the apparatus.) FEWSHAM: What's this section for? SLAAR: That does not concern you. FEWSHAM: I can't connect equipment if I don't know what it's purpose. SLAAR: It transmits a directional beam signal. FEWSHAM: A homing device. You'll use it to guide your Armada onto the moon? SLAAR: You will not ask questions. You will do as you are told! [SCENE_BREAK] 22, EXT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS (Jamie and Zoe creep around the side of the building keeping out of the advancing foam and slip into the open doorway just in time.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23, INT: CORRIDOR (They enter a long corridor.) JAMIE: Hadn't you better close that door? ZOE: Why? JAMIE: In case that warrior's still prowling around out there. (Together they struggle the large metal door closed and Jamie twists a circular mechanism to lock it tightly.) JAMIE: Now that should keep him out. Come on. (They walk off down the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL (They descend a set of steps.) JAMIE: Well where is everybody? ZOE: I don't know. Well let's try and find the main control room, come on. JAMIE: Aye. (Zoe notices the dead technician on the catwalk.) ZOE: So that's why nobody answered the video-phone. JAMIE: Hey and look at that! (He rushes over to the weather-control apparatus and tugs at the levers with all his might but they are locked in position.) JAMIE: No, it's no good. They're locked in position. ZOE: Well don't you see, what the Doctor said. Water - Rain. Well it all makes sense now! They don't want it to rain on the fungus. JAMIE: Well-ssh! It's a warrior, hide! (They slip behind two lighting panels as the Ice-Warrior appears and looks around the room suspiciously.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25, INT: MOON-CONTROL (Slaar is the communications unit to talk to an older, senior ranking Ice-Warrior. On the screen of the unit is an image of the Grand Marshall, resplendent in his glittering jewelled helmet.) GRAND-MARSHALL: Are all the preparations complete? SLAAR: Yes Grand-Marshall, the seed pods have been dispatched to the major cities of the world and the Moonbase is in our hands. GRAND-MARSHALL: Good. Our fleet is approaching the gravitational field of the moon. Is all prepared? SLAAR: Everything is ready. I shall guide our ships in on the homing beam signal frequency. GRAND-MARSHALL: Fuel supplies are at marginal level. There must be no misjudgments! (Unseen, Fewsham's hand slips towards the switch of the video-link.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26, EXT: ROCKET (Another rocket stands on a pad waiting for the signal to take off.) TECHNICIAN: Final checkout checkout routines under way. [SCENE_BREAK] 27, INT: EARTH-CONTROL (Kelly watches the rocket's progress.) KELLY: I hope they know what they're doing. It's been years since we sent up a satellite. RADNOR: Are you quite sure that the communications aspects will function? KELLY: Yes, once that satellite's up T-Mat will be able to handle two...two thousand microwave channels. (Eldred and the Doctor wander into the room.) ELDRED: What's going on? Someone's sending up a rocket? RADNOR: Look, look! What the devil's happening? (The video-link monitor flicks on to show a picture of the control room on the moon.) KELLY: I don't know it's... Yes, Moon-Control! DOCTOR: The sound, can you turn it up? (Sound pipes out of the monitor image of Moon-Control.) FEWSHAM: Shouldn't we test the directional beam? [SCENE_BREAK] 28, INT: MOON-CONTROL SLAAR: It is not necessary! FEWSHAM: But it is operating on Moonbase power, I can't guarantee the pulsing rate will be the same. SLAAR: Very well - test it! [SCENE_BREAK] 29, INT: EARTH-CONTROL DOCTOR: Commander Radnor, can this be recorded? RADNOR: Well yes... DOCTOR: Well quickly man, it's vital! RADNOR: The transmission coming in on the video machine is to be recorded COMPUTER: INSTRUCTIONS UNDERSTOOD. TRANSMISSIONS WILL BE RECORDED. (They watch what happens on the screen.) SLAAR: The Device is operating? FEWSHAM: Yes. Oh, wait a moment, um I must check the connections... [SCENE_BREAK] 30, INT: MOON-CONTROL SLAAR: Why? FEWSHAM: If the er, power fails there'll be no signal to guide your fleet onto the moon. SLAAR: There must be no failures. FEWSHAM: I realise the importance of that. If your fleet overshoots the moon, nothing will stop them going into an orbit around the sun. SLAAR: They will not overshoot! FEWSHAM: Of course not, but since their fuel supply is at a marginal level, if anything did go wrong, they'd never be able to regain moon orbit. (Slaar notices the camera and strides towards the console where Fewsham is sitting.) SLAAR: This video device is operating. You have betrayed us! FEWSHAM: Every word has bee heard on Earth! SLAAR: Kill him! [SCENE_BREAK] 31, INT: EARTH-CONTROL (The people in the control room can do nothing but watch as the drama unfolds before their eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32, INT: MOON-CONTROL (Fewsham twists grotesquely and slumps over the Martian communications device. Slaar points to the video-link camera in the ceiling and the Ice-Warrior fires it's weapon again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33, INT: EARTH-CONTROL (The picture of Moon-Control on the video link fades into darkness.) TECHNICIAN OOV: Countdown about to commence. Minus three minutes. DOCTOR: Cancel the launch! KELLY: Why, what do you mean? DOCTOR: We can use that satellite to mislead the Martian invasion fleet. RADNOR: What? DOCTOR: Well don't you see? Poor Fewsham deliberately let us overhear their homing signal. We can imitate that signal with a homing device of our own in the satellite! RADNOR: Commander Radnor. Top priority message to satellite launching site. Cancel launch, repeat - cancel launch! COMPUTER: MESSAGE UNDERSTOOD. DOCTOR: If we can deflect their Armada half our battle is be won! RADNOR: But there's still all that fungus stuff everywhere. ELDRED: Well we've solved that one. Plain ordinary H20, water! RADNOR: Water?! Well all we need to do then, is to make it rain! DOCTOR: Well haven't you already done that? haven't you been in touch with the Weather-Control Bureau? RADNOR: You've only just told me! DOCTOR: But I sent you a message over an hour ago! Didn't Zoe reach you? RADNOR: No! KELLY: An hour ago we were in conference. DOCTOR: Oh I see. Well perhaps Zoe went to the Weather-Control people herself? ELDRED: Doctor, the Weather-Control Bureau was the last place the warrior was sighted! DOCTOR: What?! (He runs towards the door.) RADNOR: I'll have a squad of security guards over there right away, hadn't you better wait Doctor? (But the Doctor is gone.) RADNOR: Get me security! [SCENE_BREAK] 34, EXT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS (The Doctor sprints across the grounds, pokes his nose over a large metal perimeter wall and gazes out across a vast foamy living lake slooshing guard over it's new territory. A large pustule expands and erupts more sludge in the Doctor's direction as if mocking him. Pressing his handkerchief to his nose and mouth he strides through a gateway and waist-high into the alien mass. As he reaches the door of the Weather-Control Bureau a pustule behind him disgorges another torrent in his direction, as if it were trying to bury him. Another one sprays a jet of vapour into the air.) DOCTOR: Zoe, Are you there? Zoe! [SCENE_BREAK] 35, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL (The warrior approaches the panels Zoe and Jamie are hiding behind, then stops as there is a pounding sound from down the corridor.) DOCTOR OOV: Zoe! Jamie! Let me in! (The creature strides away towards the source of the sound.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36, EXT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS DOCTOR: Zoe, Jamie Zoe! Ohh! (He moves out of the doorway as another vapour pustule attempts to spray it's deadly load into his face, then fans the spores away with his handkerchief. He sees a wave of sludge gushing towards him.) DOCTOR: Oh no! (He tries to move back into the doorway, but loses his footing and falls head-first into the soup. The Martian fungus has won.)

Plan: A: T-mat; Q: What did the Doctor and his allies use to return to Earth? A: the Ice Warrior; Q: Who attacked the weather control station? Summary: The Doctor and his allies manage to return to Earth via T-mat only to find the Ice Warrior has attacked the weather control station.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Bobby : This league is their NBA, and they know it's not yours. Lucas : If continuing this pregnancy means I lose you, then we end it. Peyton : I'm having this baby. Lucas : We're having this baby. Mouth : I'm here because I can't live without you, Millicent Huxtable. Deb : I think we should end this. You deserve more than this. Brooke : I'm calling the lawyers tomorrow, and I'm divesting my interest in clothes over bros. Now you have a company and no daughter. Jack : Sam. Julian : Maybe it's time we write our own epic love story. This time tomorrow, we could be walking on a beach in Malibu. Brooke : But what about Sam ? Sam : He loves you. He's a great guy. He wants us all to try it out together. God, you have to go. You have to. Julian : You're not coming. Brooke : I have a life here, and... Julian : Goodbye, Brooke Davis. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Sam, cut it out! Victoria : Well, well. Brooke : Oh, my eyes! Victoria : It's called sunlight. And it's not that bright. Brooke : It is not the sun. It's your face. Wha ... what the hell are you doing here? Last time we talked was the last time I wanted us to talk ever! Victoria : We need to discuss the business. Brooke : I'm not part of the business anymore, which is exactly what you wanted. You got a company. You lost a daughter. Now get out! Victoria : Whatever. You pull yourself together. I'll be back. Brooke : Why?! Oh, no, Sam. Hey. Are you okay? Sam : She frightens me. Brooke : Yeah. Me too. AT THE GYMNASIUM Players : Let's go. Let's go, baby. Let's go. Look out. Look out. Look out. Come on, block that. Bobby : Good job, guys. Nice work, Nate. Nino, take the point. Players : Run it again. Let's go, baby. Let's go, baby. Nino : Oh, oh, here it comes. Here it comes. Ball, ball, ball. Oh, yeah. Bobby : Great. Great job, guys. Good practice. Hit the showers. Nathan. It seems I've got a problem. My two best players are playing the Same position. If we're gonna have a chance at winning, I need you and Nino on the court together. Nathan : So, I'm moving back to shooting guard. Bobby : No, no, I'm moving Nino to shooting guard, and i'm keeping you at the point. But i need for you to help him with the transition. Nathan : Yeah, okay. Okay. Bobby : And, Nathan... it's time for you to step up and be a leader. This is your team now. AT TREE HILL SCHOOL Jamie : Hi, miss Lauren. Lauren : Oh, hey, Jamie. Haley, hey. I have some good news for you. Jamie scored through the roof on his standardized tests. Haley : Really? Oh, that's great. Lauren : I know, it is. Have you heard of the Oppenheimer school for the gifted? Haley : Yeah, I used to dream of going there. Lauren : Well, they tend to monitor these things, and they're really interested in meeting with Jamie. AT THE RIVER COURT Skills : Boop! It's been a long time since we done this, dawg. Lucas : You got to be kidding me. Bam! Skills : Look, I'm sorry about the movie, bro. Lucas : Eh, thanks. I mean, I was reluctant about it at first. But now that it's gone, I miss it. Skills : Ain't that the way it always is? Lucas : Yeah. So, what's been going on with you, huh? I mean, besides being insanely lucky at horse. Skills : Well, you know, coaching Jamie's basketball team, I split up with Deb, and I took mouth on a road trip. Lucas : Whoa, whoa. Say that again. What was that middle part? You broke up with Deb? Skills : Okay, actually, she broke up with me. But... I don't know. I'm just trying to get past it. Lucas : Yeah, I'm sorry about that. But, hey, at least Mouth will have someone to hang out with. And misery loves company. Skills : Actually, mouth's doing just fine. AT MILLICENT APPARTMENT Millicent : Morning. Mouth : Wow, you look so much better in that shirt that I do. Millicent : Yeah, but you looked so much better in my camisole. Mouth : Hey, you said you wouldn't tell. Where's your head? Millicent : Happy. Sorry. I don't know why we ever waited. Mouth : Hey, as long as we ended up here, it was worth the wait. I have a surprise for you. Millicent : You are just full of surprises, Marvin McFadden. Mouth : Broadway tickets to "in the heights." Millicent : Are you serious? You're amazing. Mouth : No, you are. And I promised myself, if I ever got you back, I'd do everything I could to make you happy. Millicent : Well, you didn't have to do that. Just being here with you makes me happy. Mouth : Okay, good, 'cause I can probably scalp these tickets for twice what I paid for them. Millicent : I'm not that happy. ON THE ROAD Peyton : Hey, where are you? Oh, you are gonna be jealous! Mia : Try me. Peyton : Top down, listening to a great Mia Catalano song, very happy to be alive. Mia : I am jealous. That's a great song. Peyton : It is. And I'll be in as soon as it ends, okay? Bye. Mia : Bye. AT THE HOSPITAL Brooke : Luke? Lucas : She's okay. She's gonna be all right. They're running some tests. Brooke : And the baby? Lucas, what's the face? What is it? Tell me. Lucas : There were some complications with the pregnancy ... before the accident. Brooke : What are you talking about? What complications? Lucas : Peyton has a condition called placenta previa. Brooke : What is that? What does that mean? Lucas : Well, it means that she runs the risk of hemorrhaging during pregnancy or during delivery. Brooke : Okay. But she's gonna be okay ... her and the baby. Lucas : Yeah, yeah. If everything goes perfectly, yes. Brooke : Lucas, come on, what if everything doesn't go perfectly? Lucas : Well, then we could lose her, Brooke. She could die, and... and the baby, too. AT THE GYMNASIUM Nathan : Coach talk to you about moving to shooting guard? Nino : Maybe. What's it to you? Nathan : He wants me to help you out. Nino : He wants you to help me out? That's what he said. Well, considering how I'm better than you, there's nothing you could teach me that I don't already know. Nathan : You think you're better than me. Nino : I know I am. Nathan : Okay. Prove it. Nino : Just like magic! It's all day, Scott. All day. Nathan : Make it, take it. Nino : Can't stop this, baby. Come on. Nathan : Yeah, but you're a two guard now, so let's see the jump shot. I won't even guard you. Nino : All right. Nathan : It's all you. That's what I thought. Game point. Next basket wins. Nino : What are you gonna teach me now, Scott? Nathan : Well, if I'm the point guard, I'll drive if I'm the shooting guard...I shoot. Game. Lesson's over. Now, you can either learn how to play shooting guard and start or you can be a backup point guard. It's your choice. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Sam : I'm telling you, that woman was like a zombie, a vampire, and Principal Rimkus all rolled into one. Jack : And she's Brooke's mom? Sam : Yeah. Totally scary. Jack : Okay. Name one thing that scares the hell out of you ... other than Brooke's mom. Sam : Being alone. And you kissing me again. That was gross. Jack : Totally. You want to know what scares me? You know that burger king guy? Sam : Mm-hmm. Jack : Like the king? Sam : Mm-hmm. Jack : He scares the hell out of me. So, I've been talking to some possible foster parents. Sam : Woo! What are they like? Jack : They actually seem pretty cool. But... they live in charlotte. Sam : Oh! You should go. You're going, right? Jack : I don't know. Sam : Why wouldn't you go? Jack : Being alone scares the hell out of you. Victoria : Hello! Sam : Oh, crap, it's her. Hide. Victoria : You might as well stand up. I can see your unfortunate split ends. What is this now? A-a homeless shelter? Sam : Um, I'm Brooke's foster kid, Sam, and this is Jack. Victoria : So, you're here to sponge off my daughter just like the rest of her so-called friends. Well?! Speak! Sam : We don't like you. Victoria : Where's Brooke? I need to speak with her. Sam : She's, um ... she's actually outside on the patio working on some sketches. Victoria : Well played. Too bad I have a key. AT THE HOSPITAL Brooke : Hi. Peyton : Hey. Hey, Brooke Davis, you are not crying. I'm okay. It's okay. I'm okay. Brooke : That's not what Lucas said. Peyton : He told you? Brooke : Why didn't you? Peyton : I was going to, but I wanted you to go to L.A. with Julian. And I knew that you wouldn't go if you knew. Brooke : You suck for not telling me. And I'm not going anywhere, so ... what are we gonna do, P. Sawyer? How am I gonna help us get through this? Peyton : I don't know. We just will. Brooke : You're damn right we will. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : Home sweet home. Let's get you to bed. Peyton : Luke, you can stop worrying. Lucas : I'm gonna worry, and I'm gonna keep worrying for the next few months. Peyton : Honey, I'm fine. The baby's fine. It's mid-afternoon. I don't need a nap. Lucas : Wait. What's that? Yeah, the baby says it's definitely time to take a nap. Good call, baby. I agree. Let's go. All right, safe and sound. Here we go. Peyton : Speaking of safe and sound, how's the comet? Lucas : Don't worry about the car, okay? I'm sure it'll be okay. AT THE BREAKAGE Skills : Damn, that car's dead. Lucas : How in the world diwalk away from this? Skills : It's yeah, well, it's gonna take a second miracle to put this thing back together. Man : Cost more to fix it than what it's worth. Lucas : It's worth more than you know. AT OPPENHEIMER SCHOOL Principal : Oppenheimer has the best curriculum in North Carolina. We even have pre-kindergarten computer courses. And all of our students matriculate to top-tier universities. Nathan : So, this is where all the kids I beat up came from. Principal : Why don't we have Jamie take a seat while I show you two the rest of the campus? Haley : Okay. Just t have fun, okay, buddy? Nathan : Bye, buddy. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : What could possibly be so important that you'd bother someone who hates you? Victoria : I'm here because of the business. It's in trouble. Brooke : So, it's tanking. Looks like you're not the one who spins the straw into gold after all. Victoria : It's just a little difficult to find decent straw these days. I need you back. Brooke : You should have thought of that before you hired the second runner-up from "project runway." Victoria : I had to hire somebody. I wasn't exactly expecting my daughter to quit on me. Brooke : To quit on you? You told me you wished I'd never been born. Victoria : Right after you showed up at my apartment with a gun and accused me of having you attacked. Look, we both said things. We both were wrong. Brooke : It doesn't matter anyway. I'm not gonna help you. You're on your own. Sorry. Victoria : Fine. You know, it's one thing to refuse to help me. But what about all those other people that used to work for you? Those people who made you who you are ... they'll all be out of work. But you could change that. It's a shame. AT OPPENHEIMER SCHOOL Teacher : Jamie, why don't you introduce yourself to the class? Go ahead. It's okay. Jamie : How's everyone doing? Last week, my mom asked me how I like going to school. I told her, "not as much as I like coming home from it." Girl : Why wouldn't you want to go to school? Teacher : Here, why don't you put this on? That way you'll feel more comfortable. Okay, students, it is time for recess. Everyone get your recess books out. IN NEW YORK Millicent : It's been so beautiful here this week. I didn't realize how much I missed the city. Mouth : Yeah, it's nice. Remember when I was telling you that maybe there is this better version of us? I think this is it. Millicent : Me too. Well, almost. Mouth : Why almost? Millicent : You have to go back to tree hill tomorrow. Mouth : I wish I could stay, but I'm already the world's flakiest employee. Millicent : I know. Let's just enjoy today ... this ... now. AT OPPENHEIMER SCHOOL Nathan : So, what is this? Teacher : Here at Oppenheimer, we don't offer sports. But we do try to incorporate them into learning exercises. This is called "Math-Ketball." Nathan : Math-Ketball. Teacher : We have some of the best "Math-Ketes" in the state. Boy : That's a three-point "Math-Ket." In ... your ... face! Nathan : More like "math-holes." There's no way he's going here. Come on, Jamie. You ready? Jamie : Thanks. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : What are you doing? You should be in bed. That's why they call it "bed rest." Peyton : The doctor said take it easy. That doesn't mean I have to spend every waking hour in bed. Lucas : Um, yes, you do. Peyton : So, does this mean you're not gonna give me a ride to the studio? Lucas : Um, you're not going to the studio. Look, and I'm the one with the car, and I'm not driving you anywhere. End of discussion. Peyton : Speaking of... have you had a chance to go look at the comet yet? Lucas : Yeah, about that... Peyton : How bad? Lucas : Well, I ... we can get another one, okay? It was just a car, Peyton. That's all. Peyton : It was the comet. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : They put our son in a cardigan. Haley : I used to wear cardigans. Nathan : And that's because you were a nerd. Haley : See, it's comments like that that make me wish I'd had an opportunity to go to a school like Oppenheimer. Nathan : Oh, yeah, and then you could have lettered in Math-Ketball. Look, that little Jackass was talking trash to our son. Haley : Like you've never talked trash before? And when somebody talks trash to you on the court, doesn't it motivate you? You know it does. Nathan : Well, Jamie's not even gonna see a court, all right? 'cause they don't even have one. Haley : He would get an excellent education there, and there is more to school than just sports. Nathan : Well, there's more to school than just school. Haley : This coming from a "C" student. Nathan : A "C" plus. And you were my tutor. AT TREE HILL SCHOOL Skills : Ah, there's the man. So, how did your visit go at that new school? Jamie : I haven't told anyone yet. Skills : Hey, I'm sorry, little man. I didn't realize this whole thing was supposed to be on the D.L. Jamie : Extreme D.L. Lauren : Hey. I'm Lauren. I'm Jamie's teacher. Skills : Hi, I'm... Jamie's basketball coach, skills. Antwon...Taylor ... Antwon "Skills" Taylor. Lauren : Yes, I know. Jamie talks about you all the time. You know, he says you're not very good at video games. Skills : Yes, I am. I don't really play that much unless Jamie want to play. I let him win sometimes. You know, got to keep the kid's confidence up. Lauren : Oh, of course. I'll see you tomorrow, Jamie. Antwon "Skills" Taylor. Skills : Man! You sure you want to leave this school? AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Haley : Well, well. Peyton. So, looks like all that good music we've been working on nearly killed you. Peyton : Yeah, good music and some idiot running a red light. Haley : Yeah, Brooke told me about the accident... and, uh... about everything else. Peyton : It's all gonna work out, Haley. Haley : I know it will. You and Lucas always beat the odds. Peyton : Hey, I'm gonna need your help with something. Haley : Anything. Peyton : Finish producing Mia's album. Haley : Of course. Peyton : Because you are the one that discovered her in the first place. Haley : Well, we both did. We're a team, remember? Peyton : I'll be there in spirit. Deal? Haley : Deal. I will take care of Mia, and you will take care of my niece. Or nephew, but I'm hoping for a niece. Peyton : Thank you. Haley : You're welcome. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Hey. What are you so gloomy about? Sam : Jack found a foster home. He's leaving today. He's moving to Charlotte. Brooke : I'm sorry. I know it's hard. Believe me, I know. Sam : Yeah, if that's your story. Brooke : Hey, what is that supposed to mean? Sam : I think you know. Brooke : Okay, if you want to get into this, we should get into it. You have been moping around the house for the last two weeks, pouting about Julian. Sam : He wanted us to be together. He wanted you. He wanted me. We could have been a family! Brooke : Sam, you don't know what you're talking about. Sam : I know he loves you. I know ... I know to follow my heart instead of locking it away. I know if I could, I would go with Jack. Brooke : Sam, you're in high school. Your love is totally different, and if you were older, you would understand. Sam : Do you know who you sound like? Victoria. Brooke : Okay. That is a cheap shot, and you know it. It is so much more complicated than me just doing whatever I want. Sam : Why? Because of me? Brooke : Not because of you. For you. I have to do what is best for you, whether or not you see that. Sam : Don't use me as your excuse! Please, just stop! Please, just admit that Julian loved you and you were too scared or too stupid to love him back! AT THE RIVER COURT Skills : Tell me about miss Lauren. Jamie : If you let me score, I'll tell you all about her. Skills : Thank you. Get to talking. Jamie : She likes flowers. Skills : Man, every girl likes flowers. I need more than that. Jamie : If I give up everything, I'll have no bargaining power. It's called "supply and demand." Skills : Oh, you pretty smart for a 6-year-old. Jamie : Haven't you heard? I'm a genius. Nathan : Kid's smarter than both of us, skills. Skills : Yeah, he definitely gets that from his mama. Nathan : Can't argue with that. Haley : Hey. Can we talk? Nathan : Yeah, sure. You got this, skills? Skills : I got this. All right, one on four. Jamie : It's my ball. Haley : Hey. Um, so, I was thinking ... Nathan : Me too. Um, I think I was a little harsh about the new school. Haley : Great, because I was thinking it's probably not such a great idea to send him there. Nathan : Why the change of heart? Haley : Because he loves basketball, and he likes his teacher. He's got all his friends there. And would you rather him be a big fish in a little pond or a little fish in a big pond? Nathan : That's the Same reason Dan gave for not sending me to oak lake academy. We want Jamie to be a big fish in a big pond. Dan never gave me that option. Maybe Jamie deserves to have all the opportunities we didn't have, you know? Haley : So, basically, we just flip-flopped? Nathan : Yeah, I guess we did. Haley : We suck at this. AT THE BAR Jack : Well, it's not like we can't visit. We could meet up somewhere like Coachella during spring break. Sam : Yeah, and ... and ... and Bonnaroo is the last week of school. Jack : I don't like finals anyway. Sam : Yeah, well, you'd have to actually go to school to have finals. Jack : True. Sam : Oh, and we can ... we can do reading in august. Jack : Yeah, going across the pond. Uh, wait, are we gonna be back in time for burning man? Sam : Oh, burning man's for freaks, so you should definitely go. Jack : You're the freak. I'm gonna get you a refill. Sam : Oh. What? Chicken. Sam : Hi. Victoria : So, I've been wondering, how exactly did you con my daughter into taking you in? Sam : I shoplifted from Clothes Over Bros, assaulted her, then she found me sleeping in a car and decided to take me in. But I've made up for that with my sunny disposition. Victoria : I'm amused on the inside. Sam : I'm not. Victoria : Well, you should be. You hit the Jackpot with my daughter. Why so morose? Sam : I'm not sure you'd understand. You'd have to actually have a soul. Victoria : Try me. Sam : My friend Jack is leaving. He's ... moving away. Victoria : Well, my company is called Clothes Over Bros, so I'm not exactly sympathetic with your cause. Sam : I should have known you'd be bad at this, considering all the hurtful things you said to Brooke the last time you saw her. Victoria : What would you know about that? Sam : You said you never wanted her. Not exactly "mother of the year" material. Victoria : And what happened to your mother? Sam : She bailed. Victoria : So, which would you prefer ... a mother who left you or a mother who stuck around and was bad at it? Sam : Where's my coffee? Jack : You're too short anyway. How horrible was she? Sam : Uh ... I ... I don't know. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Brooke : Hiya, Sawyer, P.E. Peyton : Hiya back, Davis, B.P. Brooke : How are you feeling? Peyton : Oh, pretty good. Lucas keeps hounding me to stay in bed. We're having a little difference of opinion of what "taking it easy" means. Well, now that we know I'm doing fine, what's going on with you? Brooke : "Bitchtoria" is back in town. She wants me to come back and save the company. Peyton : Victoria? Seriously? Brooke : And the thing is, if I don't help her, all those people who work for Clothes Over Bros are gonna lose their jobs. I mean... what do you think I should do? Peyton : I mean, I don't know what you should do. I know what you will do, though. Brooke : And that is? Peyton : You're gonna help "Vic-whoria." And you're gonna help all those people because you always sacrifice to help everybody else. That's why we love you. AT MILLICENT APPARTMENT Mouth : How I told you lately how much leaving you sucks? Millicent : I wish you could stay. Mouth : We'll be the couple that makes the long-distance thing work. Millicent : We will, won't we? And every time we see each other will be like a reunion. Mouth : Yeah. I'll see you soon, Millie. Millicent : Okay. Mouth : Bye. AT THE BAR Jack : Why? They're here. Sam : They're ... they're much younger than I expected. Woman : Hi, Jack. Jack : Hi, how are you? Woman : Good. Man : Hey. Dad. Jack : Hey. Man : Yeah. Sam : Where'd you get the vampire weekend tour shirt? Hot topic? Woman : No, Bonnaroo. Have you ever been? Man : It's awesome. Yeah, we go every year. Sam : Fine. You guys rock. I'm impressed. Woman : So, you must be Sam that dominates all of Jack's conversations. Jack : Oh, yeah. We were ... Woman : We were hoping to meet his girlfriend. Jack : She's not, uh, my girlfriend. Sam : Yes, I am. Hi. Man : Hi. Woman : Hi. Nice to meet you. Jack : This is Sam... my girlfriend. Man : Well, uh, I hate to spoil the goodbye, but, uh, we should probably get going. Woman : Yeah, yeah. Um, you know what? We'll be in the car, okay? Um, it was really nice meeting you, Sam. Sam : Yeah. Jack : So ... I'll come back as soon as I can. Sam : Coachella's in April. Jack : Okay. Uh, bye, Sam. Sam : Bye ... Jack! When you kissed me, it wasn't... it was nice. Jack : That was, too. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : I don't want to leave. I like it here. Haley : You mean, you don't want to leave and go back to your pro-basketball career? You know what happened to the boy that got everything he ever wanted? Nathan : He lived happily ever after. I know, and I am happy. It's just there's this new guy, Nino, and he's a pain in the ass. And bobby expects me to help him transition to shooting guard. Haley : Well, I'm sure bobby wouldn't have asked you to do it if he didn't think you could handle it. Nathan : I ... I don't know, hales. Jamie : Can I talk to you guys? Haley : Uh, yeah. What's on your genius of a mind, little man? Jamie : Well, I've been thinking about everything. And I think I should get to pick where I go to school. Nathan : Is that right? Haley : Well, if you could pick, where would you go? Jamie : I want to stay at my school. I like my friends. I like my teacher. And besides, I did good on that test because you guys teach me stuff. And I like it that way. So, can I stay? Please? Nathan : We'll talk about it. Haley : I really appreciate you coming to us though, baby. Jamie : Okay. Good night. Nathan : Good night. Haley : Love you. Nathan : The kid makes a lot of sense. Haley : Yeah, maybe we should have asked him first since he's the genius. You know, you could learn a thing or two from that kid. Well, he and chuck used to hate each other, and now he doesn't want to leave him. Nathan : And your point? Haley : My point is that maybe you should go back to Charleston and play nice. Nathan : All right. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : You think third time is gonna be the charm? Victoria : You know, I did forgive you for falsely accusing me and trying to intimidate me with a firearm. Brooke : And you think I'm gonna forgive you? Victoria : I hope so. Brooke : Okay. Here's the deal ... I'll come back to the company for 51% ownership. Victoria : 50/50. Brooke : 52. Victoria : 51. Brooke : Fine. But understand, this is business. You still don't have a daughter. AT THE GYMNASIUM Nathan : Nice shot. Nino : I know. Nathan : Why does it always have to be so hard with you? Nino : Look, you're good, but I can make you better. Nathan : With me at the point, you're gonna get more chances to score, all right? I'll get you the ball. All you have to do is knock down the shots. Nino : Oh, I'll knock down the shots. Nathan : All right. Well, good, 'cause if you can do that, the scouts will come, we'll both get noticed, and, hopefully, we'll never have to play with each other again. Nino : Okay, point. Teach me something. Nathan : We'll start with this move I got in the other day. I'm gonna ... i'm gonna plant my foot here. As I drive, like I'm going in for the drive, I'm just gonna spin around you and square up and take a jumper. AT TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Skills : Who's the flowers for? Jamie : A girl. Skills : Strong. Jamie : For you, Miss Lauren. Skills : Oh, wow. Thank you, Jamie. Jamie : They're not from me. They're from my uncle skills. He thinks you're cute. I'm staying! AT MILLICENT ROOM / MOUTH'S ROOM Millicent : Morning, Marvin. Mouth : Morning, Millie. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : What are you guys doing here? Haley : Hey, we're a team. You can't come to the studio, so ... we brought the studio to you. Sorry, but "in spirit" just wouldn't do. Mia : What do you want to hear? Peyton : Something great. AT THE BAR Sam : He's gone. Victoria : Everything's gonna be okay. Come on. Come on.

Plan: A: Lucas; Q: Who struggles to pick up the pieces when Peyton's pregnancy is threatened? A: Victoria; Q: Who returns to lure Brooke back to Clothes Over Bros? A: Clothes Over Bros.; Q: What is the name of Brooke's clothing line? A: Jamie; Q: Who does Haley and Nathan clash over? A: Millicent; Q: Who does Mouth try to mend fences with? A: Sam; Q: Who's friend Jack leaves to a foster home? A: Janes Addiction; Q: What band is this episode named after? Summary: When Peyton's pregnancy is threatened, Lucas struggles to pick up the pieces. Victoria returns to lure Brooke back to Clothes Over Bros. Haley and Nathan clash over the decision to pull Jamie from his school. Mouth tries to mend fences with Millicent. Sam's friend Jack leaves to a foster home, which leads Victoria to comfort her. This episode is named after a song by Janes Addiction .

[Mystic Falls High School] (All the students are gathered in the gym, holding candles. Liz is paying tribute to Carol) Sheriff Forbes: Carol Lockwood always said that togetherness, in times of tragedy, leads to healing. That one community is stronger than a thousand of its members. But how does a community stay strong after losing its leader? And Carol was so much more than just a mayor. She was... An open-minded friend... And a concerned mother, taken from us too soon by a terrible accident (Tyler gets up) Tyler: Screw this (He leaves. Elena and Bonnie look at Caroline) Sheriff Forbes: Please join me in observing a minute of silence in her memory (Elena turns her head and sees Rebekah. She's surprised and when she looks again, she's gone) Bonnie: Are you okay? Elena: I'll be right back (She leaves) Sheriff Forbes: Thank you very much. In the wake of this tragedy, the town has selected an interim mayor. Many of you already know him. Please welcome Mr. Rudy Hopkins (The students applaud and Rudy Hopkins rejoins Liz) Rudy: Thank you, sheriff. Carol Lockwood put this town first, and that's why I'm here to talk to you guys. You folks... (Elena is alone in the hallway. She hears a noise and hears someone crying. She follows it and finds April at her locker) Elena: April? What's wrong? April: Nothing. I'm fine Elena: But you're crying April: It's just the whole mayor thing. You know, it's bringing up stuff with my dad. And I know you're a vampire Elena: Wait. What? (Rebekah arrives from behind and breaks her neck) April: Was that necessary? Rebekah: No, but it was fun (Caroline is outside on the phone with Stefan. He's at the Mystic Grill, drinking) Caroline: Hey, you just missed the mandatory all-school assembly Stefan: Well, that's because I'm at a mandatory all-alone drinking party Caroline: Seriously? You decided to go on a ripper bender now? Stefan: My brother slept with Elena. Kind of puts a little bit of a damper on things Caroline: First of all, you are not supposed to know that. Second of all, Tyler is already spiraling, and he gets priority Stefan: His mother just died. What do you expect? Caroline: I'm his girlfriend. I expect him to talk to me. But instead he's all angry, and it doesn't help that everyone keeps referring to his mother's death as an accident, which is really just a polite way of saying that she was drunk Stefan: You think Klaus killed her? Caroline: Well, I don't think she drowned in a Martini glass. Just get it together. I can't do it alone (Elena wakes up in the library. April rejoins her) April: The assembly's over Elena: What the hell's going on? April: The school will be empty soon. How many times did you compel me? Don't... Just don't lie. Rebekah says you lie Elena: Rebekah's not who you think she is, April April: What, she's not a thousand-year-old original vampire? Elena: Listen, we can figure this out, ok, but we have to get out of here (She tries to leave but Rebekah's here) Rebekah: Sorry. Not allowed. Why don't you take a seat? The rest of the class will be here shortly [Gilbert's Lake House] (Jeremy and Matt are fighting for training. Damon is here too listening to his voicemails) Elena: Hey, it's me. Look, I know why you sent me away. You think that what I'm feeling for you is because of the sire bond, but I hate not being near you (Jeremy is ready to fight and looks at Matt) Jeremy: Go ahead. Make a move Matt: I drove up here to be your wingman, not kick your ass (He makes a move but Jeremy is stronger and throws him on the ground, strangling him) Matt: Ah! Ok. I get it. I get it. You're a badass (Jeremy releases him and looks at Damon) Jeremy: Did you see that? Damon: Couldn't miss it. It was in slow motion Jeremy: Then teach me something useful. We've been here for days, and so far all you've done is bark orders Damon: Okay. Take a seat at the bench, quarterback. Karate kid wants a shot at the tiger Matt: Jeremy, you're not ready for this (Damon throws the stake at Jeremy and he catches it. Jeremy attacks Damon but he's faster and he strangles him from behind) Damon: Now, all I have to do is apply a little pressure under your jaw (A car arrives. It's a pizza delivery) Damon: Really? Again? (A girl comes out with a pizza box) Girl: Double pepperoni 3 days in a row. You guys eat anything else? Damon: Why? Are you offering? (He pays her) Damon: A little something extra cut off the pizza pipeline for a couple days. No matter how much they beg, don't come back Girl: Sorry, guys Jeremy: You're gonna starve us now? Damon: If that's what it takes to make you a hunter. Now run around the lake, twice (Jeremy does it. Damon looks at Matt) Damon: Keep him company Matt: I don't have to listen to you Damon: You do if you want to eat (Matt runs after Jeremy. Damon takes his phone and listens to the end of his voicemail) Elena: Being near you, and I miss you, Damon. I wish you would just let me come to you [Mystic Grill] (Stefan phones rings. It's an unknown caller) Stefan: What? Rebekah: Guess who? I'm back, dagger-free, and I'm holding Elena hostage at the High School. Just thought you should know Stefan: Who the hell was dumb enough to pull that dagger out of you? Rebekah: I'll be asking the questions today. See you soon (She hangs up. He calls Caroline) Caroline: I'm only ready to talk to you if you're ready to rejoin civilization Stefan: How would you like to drive the white oak stake through Rebekah's heart? Caroline: If it means you're not drinking your way through the mystic grill, sure (He leaves) (Rudy and Liz are at a table) Sheriff Forbes: So... First speech under your belt. Now for the fun part. Welcome to the world of careful cover-ups. We've ruled Carol's death as head trauma from a fall. That's the official autopsy Rudy: She did not go gently, did she? Any leads? Sheriff Forbes: We have ideas Rudy: Let me guess. Sharp teeth and bad table manners? Sheriff Forbes: You sure you want this? I mean, 6 people were offered this job before you. They all said no for a reason Rudy: I'm saying yes for a reason, and my reason just walked in (He looks at Bonnie) Sheriff Forbes: I'll let you know what we find Rudy: Thank you Sheriff (Bonnie rejoins them) Bonnie: Hey, sheriff. Hey, dad (Liz leaves) Bonnie: So... Far cry from being a traveling pharmaceutical rep Rudy: I noticed a few of your friends missing from the assembly. So much for mandatory I guess, huh? Bonnie: Dad, stop it. You can't come in here and start making rules Rudy: I think this town could use a few more rules Bonnie: You're forgetting I can help protect the town Rudy: I am well aware of your gifts, Bonnie... But don't forget I'm your father. That means that I get to protect you [Mystic Falls High School] (Caroline is checking the classrooms and the hallway. She has the white oak stake in her hand. She texts Stefan to tell him it's clear. Someone passes with super speed and she turns herself) (Stefan reads her text and checks another hallway and other classrooms. He hears a noise but he doesn't see anyone. He texts Caroline to tell her where Rebekah is and tells her that he'll distract her and she'll stake her. Rebekah materializes in front of him) Rebekah: Hello, Stefan Stefan: I'm here. What do you want? Rebekah: The same thing I wanted when you helped make Klaus stab me Stefan: The cure (She pushes him against a locker but he pushes her back and strangles her) Rebekah: I hope you're not waiting for Caroline to show up and stake me... (She shows him the stake) Rebekah: Because I already found her (Rebekah enters the library with Stefan. Caroline, Elena and April are already there) Elena: Stefan (She gets up) Rebekah: Did I say you could move? Class is in session. You've all been compelled. You know the rules. Answer my questions honestly, no disobedience, no one leaves. April, my sweet, take notes. This is how you get answers in this town. Let's start with a little quiz. In the year 1114, my brother learned... thanks to yours truly... About a brotherhood of vampire hunters with tattoos that grew with each kill. And these tattoos reveal what? Elena? Elena: A map Rebekah: Which led to, Caroline? Caroline: A cure for vampirism Rebekah: Perfect. We're all caught up. Stefan Salvatore, the last time we saw each other, you had a vampire hunter, but in order to decode the map, you needed the location of the hunter's sword, which you got out of me using some very dirty tricks assuming you found the sword, you must have found the cure, and yet you're all still vampires, which means something went wrong (She looks at April, who's writing) Rebekah: What are you doing? April: You asked me to take notes Rebekah: I wasn't being literal, darling. But now that you mention it, a flow chart would be nice, which means index cards and push pins. Go fetch (April leaves) Stefan: You're wasting your time. We don't know anything Rebekah: So you just gave up? I thought you'd do anything to save Elena, even if it meant taking the cure yourself so you could grow old and die with her (Elena is surprised) Rebekah: Why do you look so surprised? I'm missing something. What is it? Caroline: They broke up, okay? Now let us go Rebekah: Wait. I'm confused. I thought Elena was your epic love, Stefan. I asked you what happened, and you have to tell me Stefan: She slept with Damon [Gilbert's Lake House] (Jeremy loads a gun and shows it to Damon) Damon: Good... Now do it like your life depends on it 'cause it does Jeremy: Don't act like you care about my life. You care about the hunter's mark and curing Elena so she's not sired to your ass Damon: Both require you to be alive, which is why I've updated our relationship status to "it's complicated." You talked to her at all? Elena? Jeremy: Maybe. Why? Running out of voicemails to listen to? (Klaus arrives) Klaus: I'm sorry. Did I interrupt play time? Jeremy: What the hell are you doing here? Klaus: I'm simply appreciating the sights and smells of nature, neither of which presently include rotting vampire flesh, so I'm a bit concerned. How many vampires has he killed? Damon: If we throw Jeremy out into the world right now, he's chum Klaus: Now, see, that's not a number. 12... that's a number. That's how many of my hybrids I slaughtered with my sword. 3... that's how many days it took to quell the urge to kill your brother, after he knowingly watched as I walked into a death trap. One... That's the number of purposes you serve. You are here to grow Jeremy's mark, so I ask again... How many vampires has he killed since he's been here? Damon: Zero Klaus: Hmm. That's a pity. I'm going to need that cure sooner rather than later, hybrid shortage and all. How can I help? Damon: You know... Now that you mention it, Jeremy... Watch and learn (He shoots Klaus various times) Damon: That's for Carol Lockwood [Mystic Falls' High School] Rebekah: So, vampire Elena is a trollop who likes bad boys, which explains why Stefan reeks of alcohol. But what it doesn't explain is why sweet, loving, innocent Elena could be so heartless towards Stefan. How could she hurt you like that? Answer, please Stefan: She didn't know it at the time, but she was sired to Damon Rebekah: A sire bond. Fascinating. And what do you think about that, Elena? Elena: I think you're sad and bored and in desperate need of a hobby Rebekah: You're hiding something. 'Fess up Elena: I didn't sleep with Damon because of the sire bond. I slept with Damon because I'm in love with him Caroline: What does any of this have to do with the stupid cure? Rebekah: You're right. We got off the point. Stefan, how do I find the cure? Unless you'd rather talk about Damon and Elena all day Stefan: There's a Professor. He knows where the cure is Rebekah: Thank you. And, uh, where do I find this Professor? [Whitmore College] (Bonnie is in Shane's office) Bonnie: Oh, and so now I'm "gifted"? He hates my witch heritage. That's why he travels all the time. He can't handle it and suddenly he wants to be a protective father? No, not like this. Come on. Distract me. Isn't there some... Magic therapy thing you haven't shown me yet? Shane: Listen, Bonnie, I hate to tell you this... Actually, you know what? I take that back. I'm proud to tell you this. You don't need my help anymore. In fact... I was hoping to present this with a cupcake or something (He gives her a necklace) Shane: Happy graduation Bonnie: It's beautiful Shane: It's human bone. Legend says it was worn by the 2,000-year-old witch Qetsiyah, who drew on it... For strength. Bonnie, you have come so far so fast. If you trust my opinion, your magic is exactly where it needs to be Bonnie: Does this mean I have to go home now? Shane: It means I got a stack of papers I got to grade by tomorrow Bonnie: I can take a hint. Thanks Shane (She leaves and sees Kol in the corridor. She only recognizes him later) Bonnie: Oh my god. Kol! (She rushes to Shane's office but he's not there anymore) Bonnie: Shane? [Lockwood's Mansion] (Tyler is alone, a glass in his hand. His phone rings. He gets up and answers) Tyler: I told you I don't want to talk Rebekah: I heard. You're keeping all that rage bottled up inside. Caroline's worried sick about you Tyler: Rebekah? Rebekah: Hello Tyler. I heard my brother made a real mess of your life. Believe me, I can relate. You have my condolences. In fact, why don't you come down to the high school so you can accept them in person? Tyler: And why would I do that? Rebekah: Because I have your girlfriend. Maybe you have a better shot at saving her than you did your mother (Tyler throws his phone on the wall) [Mystic Falls' High School] (Kol enters the library) Kol: Sister... (He sees Caroline, Elena and Stefan) Kol: You're even worse than Klaus Rebekah: Kol. Finally. Did you bring me what I asked for? (Kol pushes Shane inside) Rebekah: You must be Shane [Gilbert's Lake House] (Damon is outside, wildling by the fire. Klaus rejoins him) Damon: If you're here for payback, go for it. But you'll be stuck baby-sitting the little hunter that could Klaus: You know... If you adjust your angle a little bit, you'll find a sharper edge Damon: I know how to whittle. Thanks. Now I know why those hybrids hated you. You are annoying Klaus: Actually, I'm just perplexed as to why Jeremy hasn't killed any vampires Damon: Darwinism, Klaus. He needs to be able to protect himself before we hunt down his first vampire nest Klaus: And here was I, thinking you were the fun brother. Well, let's play a little game, shall we? Jeremy needs more victims, and there's a whole town of people down the road just waiting to be turned into vampires for the slaughter Damon: You don't think that occurred to me, Klaus? Klaus: The tragedy is, Damon, it did occur to you, yet you chose to ignore it. And my guess is you did it to impress Elena. Somehow, to honor her, you'll find a way to spare innocent lives and walk Jeremy down the moral high road. That's why I've already made the necessary corrections Damon: What did you do? (The pizza delivery girl knocks on the door. Matt opens the door) Matt: Don't tell me he ordered another pizza Girl: No, I'm just an idiot. I ran out of gas and my phone's dead. Think I could use yours? Matt: Yeah, come on in. I'll run upstairs and grab my cell (She can't enter. Jeremy arrives) Jeremy: What are you doing here? Matt: Car drama. Your friend just went to go get his phone Jeremy: Well, I'm about to go take a shower, but you're more than welcome to wait inside (She enters) Girl: Thanks [Mystic Falls' High School] (Kol and Rebekah push Shane in a broom closet) Shane: Kol... And Rebekah Mikaelson, two members of the original vampire family. This is such a trip (Rebekah compels him) Rebekah: Where's the cure? Shane: Compulsion won't work. It's a little trick I picked up in Tibet Rebekah: Right. Well, we'll just have to do this the old-fashioned way. Beat him until he tells you where to find it (Rebekah enters the library) Rebekah: Still glued to your seats? Ooh, it's thick with tension in here. Let's spice things up a bit. Elena, truth or dare? Stefan: We're done playing your stupid games, Rebekah Rebekah: Truth or dare, Elena? You're compelled. Answer Elena: Dare Rebekah: I dare you to tell Stefan the truth about Damon Caroline: Seriously? Elena: Being with Damon makes me happy Rebekah: Makes you happy? Clowns make you happy, Elena. Dig a little deeper Elena: When I'm with him... It feels unpredictable, like... Like I'm free Rebekah: And how do you feel when you're with Stefan? Caroline: Stop! Rebekah: She can't. She's compelled Elena: Lately, I feel like I'm a project, like I'm a problem that needs to be fixed. I think I make him sad, and I can't be with someone like that because... When he looks at me, all he sees is a broken toy Rebekah: Do you still love Stefan? Elena: Yes Rebekah: Are you still in love with Stefan? Elena: No (Rebekah looks at Stefan) Rebekah: Did that hurt, having someone you love drive a dagger through your heart? Stefan: Go to hell Rebekah: Did... that... hurt? Stefan: Yes Rebekah: Welcome to the last 900 years of my life (Tyler enters) Rebekah: Ah, good, you're here. It was just getting depressing Tyler: What the hell is going on? Rebekah: Listen to the rules carefully. Stay in the building. No vamp-running in the hallways Caroline: Vamp-running from what? Rebekah: Turn Elena: What?! Caroline: But he can't. He'll lose control Rebekah: That's the whole point. I've exhausted all your knowledge. Now I have the Professor to help me find the cure, you're just competition. Whoever finds it first gets to decide what to do with it: Use it, share it, destroy it, save it... I want that to be me Tyler: But if I turn, I'll kill them Rebekah: Yes, you will. Turn [Gilbert's Lake House] (Matt finds his cellphone) Girl: Did you find your phone? (She rushes over him and tries to bit him. She's a vampire. Jeremy enters. He catches her and kills her. Damon enters and Jeremy looks at him. He looks at his arm. His tattoo is growing) [SCENE_BREAK] [Mystic Falls' High School] (April is in the chemistry class. Bonnie enters) April: Bonnie? How did you know everyone was here? Bonnie: Who's everyone? I came to find Shane April: Did you do a GPS magical spell or something? (Bonnie is surprised) April: Rebekah told me that you're a witch Bonnie: Rebekah? What the hell is going on? April: Rebekah has Stefan, Elena, and Caroline compelled. She's getting them to actually tell the truth for a change Bonnie: What? Shane can't be compelled She'll have him torture him to find out what he knows (She's looking for something) April: What are you looking for? Bonnie: I need salt April: I think I just saw some. What are you doing? Bonnie: If this pendant will connect me to Shane, then I can do a protection spell (Kol immerses Shane hand in a tray of water) Kol: Where is the cure?! (He immerses his head once again and gets him out) Kol: Where is the cure? (He does it again and Rebekah enters and watches them. Kol gets him out) Rebekah: You're human. Why do you want it anyway? Shane: That's the beauty of this. You can have it. I just want Silas Kol: No! What do you know about Silas? Shane: He's the world's first immortal being, who just happens to be imprisoned with the cure and I want to free him (Kol rushes toward the tray of water and puts his head in the water once again. Rebekah intervenes) Rebekah: Stop! He's of no use dead (Kol gets him out) Kol: Did you not hear what he said? Silas will kill us all, sister Rebekah: Silas does not exist. He is a fairy tale made up to scare children into eating their vegetables Shane: Silas is very real. I know where he's buried, and soon I'll have the spell that wakes him Kol: Wait a second. You're lying. You can't get to him without his... Shane: Tombstone? Dozens to die in a blood sacrifice? Believe me, I know. I've done it. Those massacres are a pain to engineer Rebekah: You're the one who got the council blown up Shane: It was a noble sacrifice... And temporary because once I raise Silas... Silas will raise the dead. He will bring back every last soul... Who died on his behalf (Kol kills him) Kol: No! (April is suffering from the same wound as Shane) Bonnie: April, oh, my God! (Tyler is turning. Stefan takes Caroline and Elena and puts them aside) Tyler: Wait. I can't fight it. Aah! Get out of here! (They leave. Caroline runs and leaves. Stefan and Elena close the door) Elena: That door's not gonna hold him (Shane is dead) Kol: You should be thanking me Rebekah: You killed my only chance at finding the cure Kol: Silas on the loose would be hell on earth. And frankly, sister... I don't think you could handle it (He shows her the white oak stake) Rebekah: How did you get that? Kol: Way too easily (April is unconscious) Bonnie: Help! Someone help! (Elena and Stefan enter) Elena: Bonnie, what's going on? Bonnie: She needs help Stefan: What happened? Bonnie: I did a protection spell, but it accidentally linked Shane to April Elena: And you couldn't control it? Bonnie: I didn't even know I was doing it. Usually I feel pain or I bleed, but this time I just felt more power (Stefan makes April drink his blood and she wakes up. She panicked) Stefan: It's okay, it's okay. You're ok. You're ok. You're ok. Ok. Bonnie, get her out of the school. Just be careful. Tyler is out there, and he turned Bonnie: What about you? Elena: No, we can't leave. Rebekah's compelled us Stefan: Just go. We'll deal with her later (Bonnie and April leave and Stefan closes the door) Elena: Stefan... Stefan: No Elena: Stefan, we have to talk about this. Please Stefan: Talk about what, huh? How many more ways are there for you to rip my heart out? Elena: I'm sorry Stefan: Sorry that it happened, or sorry that I found out? Elena: I'm sorry about all of it. I'm really sorry, Stefan. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't want that (Rebekah enters) Rebekah: Why are my least favorite people always the most durable? (Caroline enters the gym and finds Tyler, in his human form, lying naked on the ground. She rushes toward him) Caroline: Tyler Tyler: I'm so sorry Caroline: It wasn't your fault Tyler: Yes, it was. This whole thing. It's all my fault Caroline: No, Tyler Tyler: I should have saved her. Leave her out of this (Rebekah looks at Stefan) Stefan: Leave her out of this. This is between me and you Rebekah: You're still protecting her? Must I rip your bleeding heart from your chest and show you the scar tissue that is Elena Gilbert? (She looks at Elena) Rebekah: There's a solution to all your problems, you know. I could compel him... Erase every memory he has of you. Every day you've spent together, every kiss, every lie, every ounce of pain. I can take away every bit of love he has for you, give you both a clean slate. Just say the word, and I'll make you and all that misery you've caused him disappear Stefan: Do it Rebekah: Excuse me? Stefan: Erase it all. Every memory Elena: Stefan, no Stefan: I said do it (Rebekah giggles) Rebekah: No. That would be far too easy. I refuse to make you forget her the way Klaus made you forget me (She looks at Elena) Rebekah: But at least you know how he really feels (She turns to look at Stefan) Rebekah: Consider your eternity of pain my revenge, Stefan. I've used you for all you're worth. So now you're free to go [Whitmore College] (Shane is buttoning up is shirt. Bonnie enters) Shane: Turns out I miscalculated. Kol's gonna be a problem Bonnie: I almost killed someone, and that's what you miscalculated? April could've died today Shane: That's only because you didn't know the extent of your abilities Bonnie: My father just became mayor. I can't be out doing black magic Shane: That's not what expression is Bonnie: Then what is it? Shane: It's a way of doing magic that isn't monitored by nature or the spirits. It isn't good nor bad. But it also has no limits, so how you use it is up to you. That's what I'm here for... To help you. Bonnie, listen to me. You are the key to everything. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you [The woods by the Gilbert's Lake House] (Damon is burying the pizza delivery Girl's body. His phone rings. It's Elena. He answers) Damon: Hope your day is going better than mine. Got to say, I'm liking the odds Elena: Stefan knows about us Damon: Oh. How'd he take it? Elena: How do you think? Damon: I'm thinking, for the first time all week, I'm happy to be at camp nowhere Elena: How's Jeremy? Damon: That depends on how much you trust me Elena: You know that I trust you Damon: Then I think he's gonna get through this just fine Elena: Thanks for looking out for him Damon: Yeah, well, I told them if they were good, I'd buy them both ice cream, so look, I got to go Elena: Not yet. Something happened today. I realized something about you, about us. And you can say that it's the sire bond, and you know what? Maybe... maybe it is, but I'm telling you it's the most real thing that I've ever felt in my entire life. I love you, Damon. I love you Damon: Look. I'm going to get this cure for you. And I'm gonna have to do things you're not gonna like Elena: Damon... Damon: But listen carefully. Get in your car, right now. Come to me Elena: I'll be there soon [Salvatore's House] (Stefan is in the living room. Rebekah enters) Stefan: You let yourself in Rebekah: You called me. Should I be checking for hidden daggers? Stefan: Do you still want to find the cure? Rebekah: More than anything. I want to ram it down Niklaus' throat and look into his eyes as he realizes he's mortal again. But Shane's dead and you are useless, so I'm right back where I started Stefan: Shane's not dead Rebekah: But I watched Kol impale him Stefan: Well, you probably shouldn't have left him alone. Bonnie did a little spell. He's perfectly fine Rebekah: You didn't have to tell me that. Why am I really here? Stefan: You were right. I'm gonna be here for an eternity, and I will go insane if I don't know how Elena truly feels about my brother Rebekah: If you really want the cure, you should know that Shane has an agenda, and it's a dark one. He said he organized dozens of people to die in sacrifice. He admitted to the council explosion where 12 people died, and I'm guessing it's not a coincidence that 12 hybrids died at the hand of my brother Stefan: 12... Channeling the energy from a mass death is used in witchcraft to perform dark spells. It's called expression. Shane admitted all this to you? Rebekah: Proudly Stefan: Well, then I guess we'll have to figure out how to manage him while we find the cure for ourselves Rebekah: ''We''? There's no "we," Stefan Stefan: Listen, I hate my brother, and you hate yours. But Damon's got Jeremy, and Klaus has the sword, and Shane has Bonnie. You and I are the only ones left with nothing. You said it yourself, right? Whoever finds the cure first gets to decide what to do with it. What do you say? You want to be partners? [Mystic Grill] April: My father had no reason to kill 11 people. He had no reason to kill himself. He loved me. He loved Mystic Falls. He was brainwashed into sparking that fire. Professor Shane organized his death and the 11 others who died with him. It's time this entire town started telling the truth [A bar] (All the clients are dead. Jeremy, Damon and Matt enter. Klaus is at the bar) Klaus: I was beginning to worry you boys wouldn't find the place Jeremy: What the hell...? Matt: Did you kill all these people? Klaus: Not exactly. They're in transition. Killing them is your job (Jeremy looks at Damon) Jeremy: You said you were going to convince Klaus to do this another way Damon: I thought about it. And then I realized his idea was better

Plan: A: Carol's death; Q: What event causes Bonnie's father to become mayor? A: Bonnie's father; Q: Who steps in as the new mayor? A: concern; Q: What does Bonnie's father show for her? A: April; Q: Who talks to the sheriff and the mayor at the end of the episode? A: Elena; Q: Who does Rebekah talk to about the cure? A: Caroline; Q: Who does Stefan call for backup? A: Damon; Q: Who shoots Klaus several times for killing Carol? A: the hunters mark; Q: What is Matt and Damon training Jeremy to expand? A: vampires; Q: What does Klaus offer to provide Jeremy? A: a pizza delivery woman; Q: Who does Klaus want Jeremy to kill? A: human bone; Q: What is the amulet made of? A: Kol; Q: Who abducts Shane? A: the school's library; Q: Where does Kol take Shane? A: Tyler; Q: Who does Rebekah call to rescue her friends? A: Rebekah about Silas; Q: Who does Shane tell Rebekah and Kol about? A: Kol attempts; Q: Who attempts to drown Shane? A: a protection spell; Q: What does Bonnie put on Shane? A: an unconscious April; Q: Who does Stefan find unconscious? A: her word; Q: Rebekah goes back on what? A: her own revenge; Q: What does Rebekah say Stefan's pain is? A: a bar; Q: What kind of establishment does Klaus call Jeremy, Matt, and Damon to? Summary: Following Carol's death, Bonnie's father steps in as the new mayor and shows concern about Bonnie. Meanwhile, Rebekah and April work together to get Elena to speak to Rebekah, trapping Elena in the library. Stefan is called to rescue Elena, and he calls Caroline for back up. Both are tricked and locked into the library with Elena, although Rebekah allows April to leave. Meanwhile Matt and Damon continue training Jeremy to expand the hunters mark. Klaus gets impatient and Damon shoots him several times for killing Carol. Regardless, Klaus offers to provide vampires for Jeremy to kill starting with a pizza delivery woman; who attacks them, forcing Jeremy to kill her. Bonnie talks to Shane, who gives her an amulet made from human bone. Kol soon shows up and abducts Shane, taking him to the school's library. Rebekah talks to them about the cure and, more personally, to Elena about her break up with Stefan and her feelings for Damon, in an effort to torment Stefan. Tyler gets a call from Rebekah to rescue his friends. Kol brings in Shane and torture him about the location of the cure, who tells him and Rebekah about Silas, and how he intends to release him, and how Silas will resurrect those who died on his behalf. Rebekah refuses to listen and Kol attempts to drown Shane, then impales him, but Bonnie manages to put a protection spell on Shane. April suffers from the spell due to a link between her and Shane. Tyler arrives and Rebekah orders him to turn. As Tyler begins to transform, he tells his friends to run for it. As they do, Stefan finds an unconscious April with Bonnie and manages to revive her, telling Bonnie to get her out. Rebekah walks up to Elena and Stefan and offers to erase Stefan's memories of Elena, but when he accepts, Rebekah goes back on her word; saying that Stefan's pain is her own revenge. At the end of the episode, April talks to the sheriff and the mayor, revealing that she knows about the supernatural and everyone's lies. Damon and Elena talk on the phone and Elena says that sire bond or not, she loves him. Damon being happy tells Elena to come to him. Rebekah comes to Stefan after he calls her and admits that she still wants the cure so she can use it on Klaus, they agree to work together. Klaus calls Jeremy, Matt, and Damon to a bar, full of people transforming into vampires.

MUSIC IN: EXT. CLEARING - DAY (MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) CHUCK: (ON VIDEO) All right, dudes. This is it. This is going to be epoch. HAT: If we pull this off, Johnny Knoxville will be asking us for a job. SCOTT: The only job anyone's asking you for-- CHUCK: Guys, shut up and concentrate. You let me go before I find that line and things are going to get ugly. SCOTT: Are you sure that line's where you need to be? CHUCK: I did the math, bro. All right, Zack, you ready? All right, guys, (ON VIDEO) I'm Chuck Mannis and this is the Human Sling Shot! (ON CAMERA) Okay guys on three... one, two, three! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CHUCK FLIES THROUGH THE AIR) (CHUCK SHOUTS/LANDS ON THE GROUND) SCOTT: Ho! FRIEND: Chuck! SCOTT: Chuck! (ALL RUN TO THE CLEARING) HAT: Chuck! Hey! Chuck, man, are you all right? Dude, are you hurt? Dude... CHUCK: That... was... awesome! (LAUGHTER) (CAMERA ANGLE ON THE CORPSE) (CUT TO BLACK) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CLEARING - DAY DUCKY: Odd coincidence how nature and circumstance have conspired to place you in this position, my friend. Though I imagine the irony isn't of much interest to you now. GIBBS: What do you see, Duck? DUCKY: Well, some blood and tissue residue on the stump, though not nearly enough for this to be the impaling instrument of his demise. KATE: He had that hole in him before he landed there? DUCKY: Precisely, yes. TONY: Plain old ring-toss doesn't cut it for some people. GIBBS: What put the hole in him? DUCKY: Well, it's approximately eight inches in diameter, metallic shrapnel residue, organ and tissue damage consistent with a high velocity object. I've only seen this one time before - in a Somali village called M'butatu. A young sheepherder made the mistake of impregnating the daughters of a local warlord. TONY: And they cored him out like an apple? DUCKY: I can assure you, Tony, they take such things very seriously in Somalia. GIBBS: What'd they do it? DUCKY: Good old fashioned Soviet technology. A shoulder-fired anti-tank missile at twenty paces. KATE: It's what they use to shoot our helicopters down in Iraq. TONY: Red, white, and blue version's called the SMAW - shoulder-launched multi-purpose assault weapon. GIBBS: The safety backblast on that weapon is a hundred meters. Yeah. Yeah, they fired from right in here someplace. He was there. The warhead damage should be somewhere on this line. TONY: On it. KATE: What are you looking for? GIBBS: This. KATE: What is it? GIBBS: Igniter cap. When the SMAWs fired, this is ejected out the back. Get some scrapings off the tree for Abby. Duck, what are you estimating on time of death? DUCKY: That's tricky, Jethro. Given the massive and rapid loss of blood, the body temp, lividity and rigor aren't any much use in establishing P-M-I. GIBBS: Yeah but? DUCKY: What makes you think there's a but? GIBBS: Well, with you there always is. DUCKY: Yes, that's right. Yeah well as they say in the high country markets of Sri Lanka, there's more than one way to skin a mongoose. Actually, there are three. GIBBS: Ducky... DUCKY: After death, the red blood cells in the eyes break down, forming potassium. Now this cloudiness is a byproduct of that. Yes, I'll be able to get an accurate determination when I test it in the lab. Best I can do for now - past twenty four hours. TONY: I got something. H-E-D-P. Residue should confirm. GIBBS: Take samples and measurements. TONY: Yep. KATE: Subtitles? TONY: The SMAW fires two types of warheads: H-E-D-P, high-explosive dual purpose, and H-E-A-A, high explosive, anti-armor. The D-P leaves a crater. A-A leaves a hole. KATE: Wow, you really do keep something besides comic books in your bathroom. TONY: Hard to believe, huh? KATE: Impressive. TONY: Thanks a lot. KATE: I was talking about the crater. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Note the signs of hematoma on the victim's face and upper torso. JIMMY: Signs of hematoma on the victim's face and upper torso. DUCKY: He was beaten before he was murdered. JIMMY: He was beaten before he was murdered. DUCKY: Well before JIMMY: Well before. (BEAT) It's bothering you? DUCKY: I was going to suggest you leave the recorder next to me, that way you don't have to repeat everything I say. JIMMY: Good plan, Doctor. DUCKY: Yes, note the variations in color of the bruises. These were inflicted on several different occasions within the past three to four weeks. Additionally, the bruising is not only uniform, but there are no indications of any points of acute trauma... (SFX: CELL PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) DUCKY: ...such as would have occurred from the contact of bare knuckles on unprotected skin. I believe further examination will reveal that our victim was a student of the "sweet science." JIMMY: Sweet science? DUCKY: A pugilist, if you will. JIMMY: He was a boxer? DUCKY: Precisely. Do you want to get that? JIMMY: Can I? (INTO PHONE) Mom? DUCKY: Oh, please! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) TONY: McGee! Are you nuts!? MCGEE: What? TONY: You're at Gibbs' desk touching his computer. That's like touching.... the Ark of the Covenant!` MCGEE: Gibbs knows I'm doing this. TONY: He said you could use his computer? MCGEE: Uh-huh. TONY: Really? When mine fried he wouldn't let me touch his. GIBBS: Because your fingers are always greasy from fried chicken and pizza. How's it going? MCGEE: Bringing it online now, boss. TONY: What? MCGEE: Yearbook photos from every British university taken between eighty seven and ninety seven. TONY: Who said our terrorist was British? GIBBS: Ducky thought his syntax suggested a higher education in the British Isles. TONY: Well, maybe he just grew up watching tons of Cary Grant movies. Okay, why the decade between eighty seven and ninety seven? KATE: Because I estimated his age to be thirty three and added five years on either side for safety. TONY: Ah, you spend college summers working carnies as Madame Natasha? KATE: I've always been good at guessing ages. TONY: Yeah? How old am I? KATE: Based on chronology or maturity? TONY: Yeah, that's very funny. Come on. How old? KATE: Thirty two. TONY: You saw my file. KATE: Nope. TONY: Well how old is Gibbs? GIBBS: That's great work, McGee. MCGEE: Anytime, boss. TONY: Look at that. He gets a pat on the back, I get a smack on the head. KATE: Ah, it doesn't seem fair, does it? TONY: No. KATE: But it is. Fax from AFIS came in. Our victim is Staff Sergeant Thomas Grimm. He was an Armorer attached to the Ordnance Maintenance Center at Quantico. Responsible for weapons inventory and custody cards. GIBBS: Makes sense, given the way he died. KATE: And Ducky was right. He was a boxer. Top rated middle weight on the Quantico boxing team. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GYM - DAY WASHINGTON: Staff Sergeant Grimm was a hell of a fighter and a great Marine. Hands up, Marino! KATE: I saw Grimm's record. Very impressive. WASHINGTON: Seventeen and oh since he joined the Corps. Every last one was a battle. All right, if you two are going to dance, you join the Air Force! Now let's see some action in there!! TONY: Do you have a list of Grimm's opponents? WASHINGTON: You think his death had something to do with his boxing? TONY: Everything's on the table until we rule it out. WASHINGTON: I've got a list in my office. KATE: I'll wait here. (TONY WALKS O.S.) (KATE WALKS ACROSS THE GYM) KATE: Where'd you learn how to box? MCCLAIN: Five older brothers. KATE: Self-preservation. MCCLAIN: Are you here about Staff Sergeant Grimm? KATE: I am. Special Agent Todd. NCIS. You are? MCCLAIN: Corporal McClain. Any idea what happened? KATE: We're working on it. Did you know him? MCCLAIN: Mostly from seeing him around the gym. KATE: Good guy? MCCLAIN: From what I could tell. He was a good boxer. Killer left hook. (MCCLAIN BOXES) MCCLAIN: Look, if it's okay with you, I've really got to... KATE: No problem. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY GIBBS: Looks like a serial number.(MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY B.G.) ABBY: It's part of one. GIBBS: Good part? ABBY: You can't go straight for dessert, Gibbs. You have to eat your peas first. GIBBS: I hate peas. ABBY: The serial number indicates the manufacturer, the lot number and the year that it was built. You only have a partial, so we only have part of the picture. GIBBS: The good part? ABBY: It's ice cream time. The weapon that killed Staff Sergeant Grimm definitely came from the Armory at Quantico. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) TONY: Staff Sergeant Grimm could've used a little help from the boys on "Queer Eye." KATE: I doubt that rug would have made the cut. TONY: Actually, this was the only thing I kind of liked. KATE: I'll add that to the list of reasons I never want to see your apartment. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND KATE LOOK THROUGH THE APARTMENT) TONY: Nothing in the bedroom. What's with the computer? KATE: No desktop. No operating system. TONY: Maybe it's busted. KATE: Or maybe somebody reformatted the hard drive. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - NIGHT ABBY: We can rebuild it. We have the technology. Hello? Steve Austin? The Six Million Dollar Man? See, that's the problem with the world today. No respect for history. GIBBS: Can we just concentrate on the present? ABBY: Kate was right. The hard drive was completely reformatted. GIBBS: So we have nothing. ABBY: Actually, no. When you write data onto a hard drive, it's triggered electronically and magnetically onto a hard drive plate. TONY: What would that mean in something Kate would understand? ABBY: That even though the drive was reformatted, all the information it contained is still here. It's just a matter of "Humpty Dumptying" it. TONY: I thought they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. KATE: That's because the King only had horses and men. ABBY: I ran the data through the computer and was able to construct a virtual hard drive containing the information from Staff Sergeant Grimm's computer. GIBBS: You got everything back? ABBY: Since the day he bought it. GIBBS: Hey, let's start with the most recent stuff. ABBY: Okay, the last file Grimm edited was a JPEG. GIBBS: (BEAT) Whoa. A lot of firepower. It isn't exactly standard armory floor covering. TONY: It's not. That's Grimm's living room. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: I ran the LUDS on Staff Sergeant Grimm's phone. The day before he was killed, he placed seven calls to Abe's Pawn Ship. None of them lasting more than a minute. TONY: Setting up the meet? GIBBS: Could be. KATE: Pawn shop's local. LEOs said that the previous owner, an Abe Hargrove, is currently doing three to five at the F-C-I in Butner for interstate trafficking. Daughter's running it now. GIBBS: Well, maybe the daughter is following in daddy's footsteps. TONY: Undercover time? GIBBS: For me. TONY: Not a good idea, boss. GIBBS: Yeah? Why is that, DiNozzo? TONY: You're thinking renegade enlisted bearing gifts straight from the source. GIBBS: Yeah, I was. TONY: We don't know the daughter's involvement with Grimm yet. Approaching her this soon as another Marine gone bad might make her suspicious. Which brings me, actually, to another option. GIBBS: Uh-huh. TONY: Complete and total sleaze. Pure pawnshop material. And let's face it, I'm a more believable scumbag than you. KATE: No argument here. TONY: Me, disheveled. You high and tight. Me flaky. You solid citizen. GIBBS: Yeah, I get the point. Have Abby do a full background and an I.D. TONY: Sure. GIBBS: What?! TONY: For you? GIBBS: For you, DiNozzo. For you. TONY: Yeah!! GIBBS: Kate, what'd you get from Staff Sergeant Grimm's C.O. at Quantico? KATE: Well, part of Staff Sergeant Grimm's job was to evaluate weapons. If they were beyond repair then he would transport them to a facility to be destroyed. But once they were out of Quantico, they were out of the system. GIBBS: Out of the Quantico system. They still have to be signed into wherever they were going. KATE: Well, these are Staff Sergeant Grimm's S.R.B and duty records. I'll go through everything. GIBBS: Yeah, you will. KATE: You know, Gibbs, I know that you're bothered that the terrorist got away. I am too. But ... but you might want to think about, you know, trying to be a little bit less of a Gloomy Gus. GIBBS: Gloomy Gus? TONY: (V.O.) I love Gus! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY TONY: It's very strong. What do you have to go with it? ABBY: Um... Louie? TONY: Gus Louie. It sort of sounds like a salad. ABBY: Yeah. How about um... Bricker. TONY: Gus Bricker. That's tough. Gibbs says put some military in the background. ABBY: Hmm... dishonorable discharge, of course. TONY: How about some time in Leavenworth? ABBY: What's the crime? TONY: Something that fits my persona. ABBY: How about violation of federal obscenity laws? TONY: That's funny. No, I meant my new, sleazy gun-running profile. ABBY: Drugs are always a safe bet. TONY: Yeah, drugs. ABBY: You got three to five for possession. Out on parole in two. TONY: There is no justice in this world, Abs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE SEARCHES THE REPORT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY (DOOR BUZZES OPEN) DILLON: Come on, lady! That's not fair. STONE: Life's not fair. DILLON: This sucks. STONE: Sucks. DILLON: All right, whatever. STONE: See ya. (DILLON WALKS O.S.) TONY: You drive a hard bargain. STONE: Not really. Stuff's probably not worth much more than I paid for it. TONY: Looking for Abe. STONE: Not here. TONY: When do you expect him back? STONE: Anywhere from three to five. TONY: Busted? STONE: Yep. Life's not fair. TONY: Damn. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY STONE: (V.O./FILTERED) You a friend of my father's? TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) More like a business acquaintance. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY STONE: Well maybe we can be business acquaintances. TONY: Thanks, but I've got other buyers. STONE: Whatever my father paid I'll better it. TONY: Now why would you do that? STONE: To prove to guys like you that I'm serious. TONY: Abe paid top dollar. STONE: Why don't you bring me what you've got and then we'll talk price. TONY: It's already here. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND STONE WALK FROM THE BUILDING) (SFX: CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (VAN DOORS OPEN) TONY: Two cases of M-sixteens and a case of LAWs. STONE: Where'd you get this stuff? TONY: Do you want them or not? STONE: I might be interested. TONY: It's not everyday you get a chance to buy these kinds of weapons. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY TONY: What's that? STONE: It's called scanning fingerprints. I need to know if you are who you say you are. TONY: Forget it. (SFX: DRAWER OPENS) STONE: Not an option. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY DUCKY: Abby, I'm surprised. I'd had you pegged for more the anarchist type. ABBY: Actually, I used to be an anarchist. DUCKY: What happened? ABBY: Too many rules. No, I'm just trying to help Tony narrow down possible buyers for Staff Sergeant Grimm's Guns-R-Us operation. DUCKY: I'd have thought of gangs. ABBY: Well, you would have been right up to the point of shoulder-fired anti-tank and aircraft weapon. DUCKY: It's overkill for even the local Crips set. ABBY: Terrorists came to my mind first, but they wouldn't risk a U.S. Military connection. There's too many outsiders. These guys, however, are all about the military. DUCKY: Did you know that militias were once a legitimate and necessary source of defense for this country? ABBY: Well, according to these guys they still are. It's not like they have any new ideas, you know. It's all so... DUCKY: "The Song Remains The Same?" ABBY: Exactly. And bonus points for the gratuitous rock reference. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GYM - DAY (SFX: BOXING B.G.) KATE: She's got skills WASHINGTON: Yeah, she'd have a lot more if she'd just listen. KATE: What do you mean? WASHINGTON: Let's just say Corporal McClain likes to be the one giving the orders. KATE: Corporal McClain, I need to talk to you. MCCLAIN: I've got fifteen more minutes with the pads. KATE: It'll have to wait. MCCLAIN: What can I do for you? KATE: Tell me why you lied to me. MCCLAIN: I didn't. KATE: You gave me the impression that you barely knew Staff Sergeant Grimm. MCCLAIN: Look, I said what I said. You drew your own conclusions. KATE: You think this is a game, Corporal? MCCLAIN: No. KATE: Three days ago you and Grimm took a shipment of weapons from Quantico to be destroyed. MCCLAIN: That's right. KATE: Yeah, well one of those weapons didn't make it. I want to know what happened. MCCLAIN: I don't know. KATE: Is that your final answer? (BEAT) Turn around. MCCLAIN: Wait... wait. I don't know. Okay? Really. Can we just... KATE: You're on the log. You signed the shipment out at fourteen hundred hours on the sixth. MCCLAIN: I was there. I was... I wasn't. Grimm and I picked the weapons up at the armory, but he dropped me off as soon as we got off base. KATE: He dropped you off? MCCLAIN: My boyfriend is Army. Third division out of Fort Bragg. He was shipping out for Iraq the next day. Look, this was Grimm's idea. He said it didn't take two people to drive a truck. He told me he could handle it himself. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY TONY: What about you? STONE: What about me? TONY: How do I know you're not a cop? STONE: You don't. But if I was, don't you think that's something you would have wanted to ask a while ago. Are you always this subtle when you're leering at women? TONY: Leering, by definition, isn't supposed to be subtle. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY STONE: (V.O./FILTERED) Do you always move this fast? TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Only when there's nothing to slow me down. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONE) STONE: Oh. Gus Bricker. Born eight July, nineteen seventy two. Enlisted in the Marine Corps, nineteen ninety three. Dishonorable discharge. Three to five years in Leavenworth for possession of methamphetamine six months later. TONY: I have authority issues. STONE: Three to five for a first offense on possession? It seems a little steep. TONY: The Corps has higher standards. STONE: They took you. TONY: I like playing games with you. Just not this kind. So are we going to do this or what? STONE: I'll get your money. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/STONE OPENS THE SAFE) (INTERCUT SCENES OF GIBBS WALKING TO THE SHOP) TONY: NCIS. STONE: ATF. (CUT TO BLACK) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY GIBBS: Drop it. STONE: You drop it. GIBBS: You're outnumbered. STONE: I can still kill him. GIBBS: Go ahead. Easy. Search her. TONY: Boss. GIBBS: Got it. STONE: Very thorough, Special Agent...? TONY: Tony DiNozzo. Well, you can't be too careful, Special Agent...? STONE: Melinda Stone. I.D.'s under the stereo. TONY: You weren't seriously going to let her shoot me, were you? GIBBS: Nah. TONY: You had a plan, right? GIBBS: Yeah. TONY: It's the real deal. GIBBS: Tell me about this op you're running. STONE: A-T-F knew they were moving a lot of illegal weapons. I figured we'd leave it open, see what crawled through. Put me in as Abe Hargrove's daughter. GIBBS: Where's your backup? STONE: You're looking at it. We're stretched as thin as everybody else since Nine Eleven. GIBBS: Tell me about Staff Sergeant Grimm. STONE: Who? TONY: Thomas Grimm. Armorer at Quantico. STONE: Never heard of him. TONY: He placed seven calls here two days ago. STONE: He said his name was Jeff Conklin. That he had access to high powered weapons. GIBBS: What were you going to do with them? STONE: Well, I was working with one of Abe Hargrove's former buyers. GIBBS: Who? STONE: No name. All I had was a phone number and a voice. Since your armorer sent me digital stills, I set up the buy. GIBBS: Did you ever see the weapons? STONE: Mm-mm. He never showed up. Guess he got cold feet. TONY: That's not exactly how it went down. Thanks to a SMAW, he's got cold everything now. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAINING FIELD - DAY (SFX: MORTAR EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE B.G.) KATE: Staff Sergeant Rafael? Special Agent Todd, NCIS. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. DIRT ROAD - DAY RAFAEL: (V.O.) Once the request is approved from Division, all non-operative weapons are reported to (ON CAMERA) DEMIL center in Crane, Indiana, on a NAVMC ten forty eight. KATE: Then what? RAFAEL: Inventory is transferred here to Camp Geiger and stored, pending orders for destruction. KATE: Did you contact Indiana when you received the weapons? RAFAEL: Yes, Ma'am. It's procedure. KATE: Did you contact them when Staff Sergeant Grimm brought his inventory here? RAFAEL: Like I said, Ma'am, it's procedure. KATE: Yes, you did, Sergeant. But I'm asking specifically about the weapons Grimm signed out of Quantico three days ago. RAFAEL: Ma'am, I am a Staff Sergeant in the United States Marine Corps. I don't know how it is at NCIS, but I follow all orders and procedures laid out for me under this command. KATE: You still haven't answered my question. Did you inspect Staff Sergeant Grimm's manifest, sign for the weapons, and contact Indiana? RAFAEL: Yes. KATE: That wasn't so hard, was it, Staff Sergeant? RAFAEL: Will there be any more questions, Ma'am? KATE: No. Not here. I want to see you in Washington. I'll call your C.O. Find out what the procedures are. TONY: (V.O.) I like a girl with spunk. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM STONE: Is that right? TONY: First girl I ever kissed... kicked me right in the... STONE: Way above the shins? TONY: Painfully above. STONE: Hmm. I hope you learned your lesson. TONY: I did. Next time... I waited 'til after she swallowed her Gummy Bear. (STONE GIGGLES) GIBBS: DiNozzo! Agent Stone! You're working with us on this. Call your office for verification. Not now. We found evidence on Grimm's computer he was putting photos of his goods on the Internet, see what interest he could draw. STONE: You think my buyer found him first? GIBBS: I think it's a possibility. TONY: Cut out the middle man, save some dough. Only the dal went south somehow -- GIBBS: Yeah, well someone has still got enough firepower out to do some serious damage. DiNozzo, find us some weapons to sell. TONY: On it. GIBBS: Agent Stone, with me. TONY: (MOUTHS) Go! GIBBS: Call your buyer. Tell him you found a new supplier. STONE: If my boss verifies that we're working together. GIBBS: This time you'll bring your supplier. He'll think you're covering your ass. STONE: The buyer won't like it. GIBBS: No, he won't. But you're gonna give him a background that checks out. STONE: Will Agent DiNozzo be the supplier again? GIBBS: Well, unfortunately, it looks like DiNozzo doesn't fit the profile. He's more scumbag type. KATE: Gibbs. GIBBS: Special Agent Todd. Special Agent Stone. A-T-F. She'll be working with us on this. STONE: Possibly. GIBBS: Give me a minute. KATE: Two things. McGee checked out Corporal Patty McClain's alibi. Her boyfriend shipped to Iraq just like she said. When Grimm was killed, they were shacked up in a motel. GIBBS: Second thing? KATE: Staff Sergeant Raphael's holding out. I can feel it in my gut. GIBBS: Guts are good. KATE: He's having a little time-out in the interrogation room, so when you're ready I'll go over all my notes with you. GIBBS: Got to work up an I.D. with Abby. I'm afraid Staff Sergeant Raphael is all yours. KATE: You always do the interrogations, Gibbs. GIBBS: Not this one. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY (MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) GIBBS: Abs, I need an I.D. ABBY: There's a lot of that going around. Is this the A-T-F lady who's working with us? STONE: News travels fast around here. GIBBS: You have no idea. ABBY: Shoot. GIBBS: Arms dealer. Ex-military. ABBY: D.D.? GIBBS: Honorable discharge. Give me a medal. ABBY: Silver? GIBBS: Bronze. ABBY: Silver would be better. You're more of a winter. You never had your colors done, did you? GIBBS: Not unless I was unconscious. ABBY: Your colors are arranged seasonally based on your skin tone. You're a winter. Bronze is more of an autumn. It's important, Gibbs. GIBBS: I'm sure it is. ABBY: You scoff but there's scientific... GIBBS: (OVERLAP) Silver's will be fine, Abs. ABBY: Wise choice. Okay, your work history. GIBBS: Civilian contractor. Nicaragua, Nepal, Greece. ABBY: Kazakhstan - that would be a good addition. STONE: Another winter thing? ABBY: Don't be silly, A-T-F lady. GIBBS: Abs, leave a few gaps. Don't make it so neat. ABBY: Please, Gibbs. I've been making fake I.D.s since I was fifteen. What kind of name do you want? GIBBS: Anything but Gus. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM RAFAEL: Are we gonna do this, Ma'am? KATE: You were paired with Grimm at the Armorer's school in Aberdeen, is that right? RAFAEL: Four months training starting June, oh-two. Spent ten hours a day learning maintenance, repair and evaluation. KATE: Were you and Grimm close outside of school? RAFAEL: We had a few beers on the weekends.... along with other guys from our class. KATE: What about now? Few beers on the weekends? RAFAEL: No, Ma'am. KATE: Talk on the phone? RAFAEL: No, Ma'am. KATE: (INTO PHONE) I'm going to need the last three months of Staff Sergeant Raphael's phone records faxed over from Camp Geiger. Thanks. RAFAEL: We talk a little. It doesn't make me a criminal. KATE: What do you talk about? Sports? Girls? RAFAEL: Yeah. KATE: Guns? RAFAEL: Sometimes we talk work. That involves weapons. KATE: We found Staff Sergeant Grimm's body yesterday. He'd been blown apart by a weapon - a SMAW. The serial number on the SMAW that killed him matches the inventory on his NAVMC ten forty eight, a copy of which you signed and sent to Crane. Now, how can this weapon be at Camp Geiger, but not be there. RAFAEL: Stuff gets misplaced once in a while. KATE: So you stand by what's on your report? RAFAEL: I have no reason not to. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY (MUSIC B.G.) GIBBS: Make your call. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY STONE: The buyer shows a group of abandoned factory buildings somewhere in the middle of nowhere. TONY: Smart. They'd spot backup anywhere close. STONE: Yeah. GIBBS: Our cell phones have G-P-S technology. They'll take them, sweep us for a signal, make sure we're not wired. STONE: So what's that? GIBBS: It's a locator. I won't activate it unless they move us. TONY: Very James Bond. Does it tell time, too? GIBBS: You can lay back and track us from a safe distance. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. INDUSTRIAL AREA - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (SFX: PHONE RINGS) STONE: (INTO PHONE) Yeah?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Team's in place. STONE: (V.O./FILTERED) Good. TONY: (INTO PHONE) Tell Gibbs not to forget it's the first two M-P Fives on the left that have live clips. (SCENE CUT) STONE: (INTO PHONE) Tell him yourself. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) I already told him four times. I think he's annoyed. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) It's his left when he's looking down at the crate with the barrels pointing... (SCENE CUT) STONE: (INTO PHONE) Away from him. He knows. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Well, yeah. Okay, just remind him that it's... (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) ...the top layer of the ammo cache that's live. Because the rest is-- (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey, DiNozzo! Get off the line. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Oh, okay. Good luck, boss.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. INDUSTRIAL AREA - NIGHT (SFX: LIGHTS CLICK ON) ASSISTANT: (V.O.) Hands! COOKE: (V.O.) Keep them up. Check 'em. MEMBER: He's clean. COOKE: You got my package? GIBBS: Yeah, they're right here. COOKE: Keys. STONE: Where's our money? COOKE: You'll get your money when we test the weapons. Let's go! Move. MEMBER: Cell phones in the bag. Wallet, jewelry and watches, too. GIBBS: Are we gonna get a receipt for this? MEMBER: Get in.(SFX: HUMMERS DRIVE O.S.) (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. HUMVEE - MOVING STONE: Are we gonna drive to Delaware to do this? GIBBS: Do you guys have a website? Nowadays militia groups have websites. All kinds of links to buy merchandise. You can buy coffee cups, sweatshirts, caps. It even has the Militia Babe Calendar. (SFX: GIBBS CHUCKLES) (SFX: TIRES SCREECH TO A STOP) COOKE: The only calendar we have is one that marks the days 'til the U.S. Government takes away our last Constitutional freedom. And when that day comes, and some Federal cop puts a Glock to your head 'cause he doesn't like your jokes, think about us. GIBBS: I'm thinking about you now. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT KATE: Here's what I think, Staff Sergeant. Your Marine buddy called you with a proposition too good to refuse. All you had to do was sign for weapons that were useless. They were going to be destroyed. Didn't seem like such a terrible thing to do, did it? You're going to do time. How much depends on a number of things including what kind of cooperation I tell the JAG prosecutors you gave me. (KATE TAKES OUT THE PHOTO) KATE: I wonder if this were you, how you'd appreciate another Marine not speaking up to get your killer? I'll be back to read your charges and your Article Thirty One rights. RAFAEL: I never thought anyone would get hurt. It was only going to be one time. We were never going to do it again. KATE: Grimm approached you? RAFAEL: We met at a bar and it seemed pretty foolproof. All I had to do was sign weapons in and make some cash. KATE: It was a good deal for both of you. RAFAEL: It was a good deal for all three of us. KATE: Three? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT KATE: McGee. MCGEE: Kate, I realized it. I'd overlooked something in the search program. Late transfers to the school systems aren't always-- KATE: Tell me how you checked Corporal McClain's alibi. MCGEE: I called Army C-I-D to verify her boyfriend was shipped out to Iraq. KATE: The motel part. MCGEE: Oh, uh... Corporal McClain says she spent the night of Staff Sergeant Grimm's death at the Two Moon Motel on U.S. One with her boyfriend. KATE: You went? MCGEE: Well, I called. That wasn't right? I should have gone in person. KATE: McGee, can you put your insecurities on hold for just a few seconds. MCGEE: I can. KATE: What did the clerk say? MCGEE: Corporal Thomas McKenzie signed for a room at nineteen hundred with a woman who matched Corporal McClain's description. KATE: You faxed him a photo? MCGEE: Well, I hadn't received it from Quantico yet. KATE: When you did receive it? MCGEE: I guess I got a little involved with this. (KATE RUSHES FROM THE ROOM) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABANDONED CLOTHING MILL - NIGHT COOKE: Get out! (SFX: CAR DOOR CLOSES) STONE: What do you say we try not to push his buttons this time? GIBBS: I'll do my best. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT KATE: (INTO PHONE) Thank you. (TO MCGEE) The hotel clerk said that the fax photo of Corporal McClain is not the woman that Army Corporal McKenzie checked in with. MCGEE: No, that was Corporal McKenzie on the SAT phone in Iraq. They broke up a month ago. KATE: Let's go. MCGEE: Will... will Gibbs have to know about this? KATE: McGee, I can't think about your ass right now. MCGEE: I... understand. What about DiNozzo? (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN/KATE TURNS AWAY MCGEE: (softly)Right. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CLOTHING MILL - NIGHT COOKE: I could get one of these at Wal-Mart. GIBBS: If you don't want them, fine. Take us back. COOKE: I didn't say that. M-P Five is a good weapon. But these are the single fire model. I was told they'd be full auto. GIBBS: They are. The trigger grips have been replaced with the military variant. Why do you think you're getting such a good price on them? I could demonstrate. COOKE: We'll handle that. GIBBS: Suit yourself. (SFX: RAPID GUNFIRE) COOKE: Three fifty per unit. STONE: Five. COOKE: Five's too rich. STONE: I'm paying him three seventy five. COOKE: Pay him less. STONE: Four fifty. COOKE: The art of compromise. My M-sixties in there? GIBBS: Echo Threes. COOKE: They don't make a single shot version of this. Price? STONE: Grand per. COOKE: Good price. What if I wanted something heavier? GIBBS: How heavy are you talking about? COOKE: Armor piercing ammo, heavy caliber machineguns, rockets. GIBBS: Let me see what I can do. COOKE: Let's take this for a little test drive then we'll do our deal. GIBBS: I didn't bring any ammo. COOKE: Not a problem. We did. You'd be surprised how much we have in common with the Boy Scouts. (SFX: MUNITION CLICKS B.G.) COOKE: Get me another one. MEMBER: Yes, Sir. (SFX: MUNITION CLICKS B.G.) COOKE: No firing pins. (SHOUTS) No firing pins! GIBBS: Look, I know you're pissed, okay? I'm pissed too! Wait! My supplier ripped me off! COOKE: You didn't know? GIBBS: No, I did not know. Just pay me for the M-P Fives and let's call it a night. Considering the circumstances, let's lower the price. Fifty dollars a unit, all right? COOKE: How about free? (SFX: GUNSHOT) (GIBBS FALLS TO THE GROUND) ROBERTS: You tried to screw me. STONE: No. No. He did. I can get you the weapons you need. COOKE: I want them now. (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES) STONE: (INTO PHONE) I have a buyer. But we have to do it tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CONTAINERS - NIGHT (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (CONTAINER DOORS OPEN) KATE: I'll bet it was a lot easier when Staff Sergeant Grimm was helping. They say when you're about to die, your life flashes before you. Is it the same when you're being arrested for murder, Corporal? MCCLAIN: What murder? KATE: Cuff her, McGee. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT STONE: They'll be here. COOKE: I hope so, for your sake. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) COOKE: (INTO PHONE) Yeah. Great. (TO GIBBS) Time for NCIS to stop lying down on the job. (GIBBS STANDS) GIBBS: I learned everything I know from A-T-F. COOKE: Special Agent Todd just informed me Corporal Patty McClain and the weapons are in custody. AGENT: (V.O.) Okay, cuff her. TONY: Agent Stone. STONE: Agent Dinozzo. I didn't see this coming. GIBBS: That was kind of the plan. COOKE: We've been watching you since your last op. Too many things didn't add up. TONY: You killed Staff Sergeant Grimm, didn't you? STONE: No. Corporal McClain did. They got in an argument over his cut and she blew him away. GIBBS: What do you want to bet she's going to say the same thing? STONE: It doesn't really matter. I'm screwed either way. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: I really liked her. KATE: (READS) A-T-F Agent involved in illegal weapons and murder, what's not to like? TONY: So quick to judge, Kate. Sure she has flaws. Sure she's going to prison. But my instincts told me she had good qualities as well. KATE: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt, would they? TONY: You're not going to believe this, but when it comes to women, I actually look for more... complex things under the surface. KATE: Really? TONY: Really. KATE: Like when you were tonguing that he/she a week ago. Lots of complex things under that surface. TONY: I gotta go. (TONY WALKS O.S.) GIBBS: What's wrong with DiNozzo? KATE: He's conflicted. (CUT TO BLACK)

Plan: A: Jimmy Palmer; Q: Who is Ducky's new assistant? A: the injured Gerald Jackson; Q: Who is Jimmy Palmer replacing? A: Gibbs; Q: Who poses as a weapons supplier? A: a tree stump; Q: What was the marine impaled on? A: a SMAW; Q: What weapon was used to kill the marine? A: decommissioned military weapons; Q: What was being sold on the black market? A: Tony; Q: Who goes undercover? A: the buyer; Q: Who does Tony meet? A: an undercover ATF operation; Q: What does Tony stumble into? A: Bellamy Young; Q: Who played ATF Special Agent Stone? Summary: As Ducky meets his new assistant, Jimmy Palmer who is replacing the injured Gerald Jackson, Gibbs and the team handle the case of a marine found impaled on a tree stump after being shot with a SMAW . The investigation uncovers the sale of decommissioned military weapons on the black market. Tony goes undercover and meets the buyer, only to stumble into an undercover ATF operation. Working with ATF Special Agent Stone ( Bellamy Young ), Gibbs poses as a weapons supplier to complete the deal, and must double-cross everyone in order to find the corrupt person at the center of the investigation, and the one responsible for the marine's death.

Mentalist: noun. Someone who uses mental acuity, hypnosis and/or suggestion. A master manipulator of thoughts and behavior. Leyland University, CA STUTZER INSTITUTE Stern: The human mind is a vast universe, an inner cosmos that we are only now beginning to explore. Our next speaker is one of the nation's leading cosmonauts, a rising star in the field of neuroscience, and a prized member of the Leyland faculty. I give you Alex Nelson. Alex: No, no, no. Thank you. No. Stop. CBI Rigsby [phone]: CBI. Rigsby. Jane, phone for you. Someone called Sophie Miller. Jane: T-uh, t-t-tell her I'm not here. Rigsby: Okay. I'm sorry, ma'am. He's not available right now. Jane: No, no, no, no. Wait. Wait Rigsby: I'll, uh, put you through. Jane: Dr. Miller? Yeah, this is Patrick. Hey. Uh, if someone is murdered on the campus of a state university, it's ours, isn't it? Lisbon: It can be if we muscle out the locals. Why'd you ask Jane: I need a favor. Police department Policeman: Sophie, Alex Nelson's water bottle contained a 10% solution of hydrogen cyanide. What do you know about that? Sophie: I know that hydrogen cyanide is a lethal poison beyond that, nothing at all. Please, call me "Miss Miller" or "Dr. Miller" or "Ma'am." Not Sophie, if you don't mind. Policeman: You're not setting the boundaries here. You were seen by several witnesses arguing with the victim shortly before his death. You fled the scene immediately after his death. Sophie: A cunning plan, eh? Policeman: Since your divorce from the victim two years ago, you've been arrested for assaulting him twice and made several death threats against him. He obtained a restraining order against you. Sophie: And I obtained one against him also. Policeman: Well, that's all right then. It didn't bother you that Alex had remarried, that he found happiness with another woman? Sophie: Alex and I got past our personal history. We had to, for the sake of our work together. Policeman: Ah, yes. You worked together at the, uh, Stutzer institute, right? Which gave you ready access to the hydrogen cyanide. Sophie: You know, I had thought, being innocent, that I don't need a lawyer, but I can see that you have some animus against me, so I'll say nothing more until I have a lawyer present. Lisbon: What if we take this case, and it turns out she's guilty? Jane: She didn't do it. Lisbon: How do you know? Jane: Because she told me she didn't. She wouldn't lie to me. Lisbon: Why not? Jane: Because she wouldn't. Lisbon: Suppose she did. Jane: Well, if she is guilty, Then we need to catch her and punish her, but she's not. Lisbon: Jane, I know I said I wouldn't ask, but I'm asking. Who is this woman? What's the connection? Jane: You don't wanna know. Policeman: She'll talk, but she just needs time. Jane: To do what? Lisbon: I'm not saying she isn't a good forward. But we don't have enough solid evidence to support that right now. Policeman: I disagree. Lisbon: That's your right. But the CBI's lead agency on this. Policeman: Yes. Strange, though, that a department of justice unit like CBI is lead agency, 'cause Sophie Miller called The D.O.J. Switchboard this morning. You might almost think that she... Chose her own investigators. Lisbon: Leyland is a state university. We automatically offer our services when local agencies aren't equipped. If Sophie Miller called the D.O.J., it's a coincidence. Policeman # 2: Excuse me, sir. Policeman: What is it, Drobey? Policeman # 2: This was posted up all over Leyland campus during the night. Policeman: "the animal equality league has seen justice served. "the blood of innocent animals was on Nelson's hands, and he has paid the price for his crimes." Lisbon: Looks like there's more suspects now. CBI Lisbon: They want the animal testing at Leyland university science department to stop, or "the monster Stutzer will be next to pay for his genocidal crimes." Minelli: Who is Stutzer? Stern: Lewis Stutzer is one of the world's foremost neuroscientists and founder of the Stutzer institute at the university. Minelli: And, um, what is his connection to the victim, Alex Nelson? Stern: Alex Nelson and Sophie Miller are his colleagues, his seconds in command. Please understand that there's a great deal at stake here for the university. The Stutzer institute is our lynchpin. I came to see you in person to get your firm assurance that this will be handled properly, with speed and discretion and ironclad security for Dr. Stutzer. Minelli: Of course, chancellor Stern. You have my absolute assurance. I will have a squad of state marshals around Dr. Stutzer within the hour. Agent Lisbon and her team will handle the murder investigation. They have the highest clearance rate in the state. Stern: Good. Thank you. Sir. Minelli: What are you, nuts? An animal rights case? Lisbon: You know what a nightmare they are? I know. I know. I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was an animal rights caseuntil too late. Minelli: And at putt, Stern is gonna be a pain in the ass.You better close this crap quick, Lisbon. Jane: Hey, thanks for not telling him I made you take the case. Lisbon? Hello? Lisbon: Tell me the truth. Jane: The truth? Darth Vader? Luke's father. Lisbon: Seriously, I've stuck my stupid neck out for you for the umpteenth time. I think I deserve the truth. Why is Sophie Miller so important to you? Jane: She was my doctor. Lisbon: She's a psychiatrist. Jane: Yes, she was my psychiatrist. Lisbon: But you hate psychiatrists, so you always say. Jane: She was a good psychiatrist. Lisbon: She must have been if she managed to keep you in the room. Jane: It was a locked room. Yeah, I went through a rough patch, I did a little time in a hospital, and Sophie helped me through that time. Lisbon: It's not on your record. Jane: No. Believe me. I... It s not easy to do. I... I know there's nothing shameful about having a breakdown, but I gotta confess, I am ashamed of it. Lisbon: Thank you for being so honest with me. Jane: Sorry I kept it from you. Van Pelt: Shall I come back later? Lisbon: No. Van Pelt: Rigsby started in on the campus security tapes. Nothing yet. I've been tracking this animal equality league. They're all over the internet. They believe in animal equality, so you know, they're not very happy. They've taken credit for several firebombing attacks on slaughterhouses and animal testing facilities. Serious people. Cho: I interviewed the staff at the auditorium. There's no security to speak of. Anyone present at the symposium could have poisoned his water bottle. There are no prints on it but Nelson's. Nobody saw exactly where he got it from. The brand is the same all over campus. Kerry: I'm Kerry Sheehan, Dr. Stutzer's teaching assistant. He's ready to see you now. Jane: Did you know Alex Nelson well? Kerry: He was a very good man. He was, uh... He was a, um... Jane: Yes? He was? Kerry: He was a good, good man. Lisbon: Dr. Stutzer? Huh? We're with the CBI. Dr. Stutzer: Oh. Yeah. Yes, of course. Come in. And shut that door, please. Sit down. Terrible, terrible business. Alex was a first-rate researcher. Truly first-rate. I cannot tell you how much I am going to miss him. Lisbon: I'm sorry, Dr. Stutzer. We wanted to talk to you a little about the threats- Dr. Stutzer: Couldn't have come at a worse time, of course it's going to set us back months, I'm afraid. Months. Jane: What is it you do here exactly, Dr. Stutzer? Dr. Stutzer: Our work here is highly sensitive. Lisbon: What you tell us regarding your work is completely confidential. All CBI agents sign a binding nondisclosure agreement. Dr. Stutzer: Very well. I will tell you what we're doing here. We're curing evil. Hmm. We're banishing the devil. We have identified a section of the brain that governs moral decision making. It's a small fold of tissue called the cingulate gyrus here in the medial part of the brain. This is the source of good and evil. We've learned how it works and how to readjust it when it does not work properly. We've created what we call a morality engine. Jane: A morality engine? Dr. Stutzer: You are skeptical. Nevertheless, it's true. We are plumbing the depths of the human soul. Do you know what's down there? Do you know what your soul is made of? Jane: Frogs and snails and puppy dogs' tails? Dr. Stutzer: Ah. Humor. Good. Thank you, no. Your soul is electricity. The essence of your being is a series of rapid electrical impulses. Morality is a binary switch system in the brain, and we are learning how to control that switch system. Lisbon: Where do animals come into this? Dr. Stutzer: Well, we aren't allowed to poke around inside human heads until we have done the same things on animals first. This is Susie. When she first arrived, she was quite violent, especially over food. We recalibrated her anterior cingulate gyrus, and now look what a happy and generous girl she is. Jane: Thank you. Where'd it go? Is Susie here the extent of your animal testing? Dr. Stutzer: Oh, no. There's been other chimpanzees before her, rats, mice, pigeons. Jane: Have you ever been threatened by animal rights activists before now? Dr. Stutzer: Yes, of course. When one is a prominent scientist, one is sometimes menaced by animal people. It's always nonsense. Jane: In this case, we must assume the threats are very real. Lisbon: The marshals will provide you with full protection, but you're gonna need to be careful. Dr. Stutzer: I am not intimidated. The work we are doing here is far too important. That is why I have this. In the long term, this technology has the potential to eradicate violence from human relations. That is what these animal rights maniacs don't understand. We are trying to create a world of peace where everyone is safe. Jane: From monkey attacks? Dr. Stutzer: Ah. More humor. Come this way. We are well past animal testing... And into the first stages of testing on humans. Machine: Question five- you are in a burning building. You can save "a," The life of a 45-year-old homeless male drug addict or "b," a priceless masterpiece painted by Rembrandt. Which do you choose? Man: "b." Jane: Hmm. Forget about the animal equality league. We should firebomb the place. The guy's gonna put us out of a job. I can't see it. Lisbon: Human beings are more than just electrical appliances. Patrick. Jane: Dr. Miller. Sophie. Jane: Uh, this is, uh, agent Lisbon. Sophie: Hello. Lisbon: I'm gonna wait in the car. Jane: All right. Sophie: Thanks for getting me out. Jane: Oh, it wasn't me. It was the animal equality league that sprung you. Sophie: It's the thought that counts. How have you been doing? Jane: Good. Very good. You? Sophie: I've had my issues. Jane: Well, I... I don't know why that should surprise me. I suppose most patients assume their doctors have no problems themselves. Sophie: Well, who'd consult a sick doctor? It's one of the reasons I left clinical practice and went into pure research. Jane: What are they exactly, your issues? I mean, what's the story with you and Alex Nelson? Assault? Restraining orders? Sophie: What can I say? I'm just drawn to controlling but damaged and emotionally unavailable men. Jane: You and Alex made a truce? Sophie: Yeah. Jane: But you were arguing just before he died. Sophie: About work. Is this an interrogation? Jane: No, no. I'm s-I'm sorry. I was just wondering about the logic of it all. Sophie: What logic? Jane: Oh, you saved my life. I owe you. I would do anything to repay that debt. You know that, right? But you're innocent, so why do you need my help? Why am I here? Sophie: Maybe I just wanted to see you again. Now I have. Good-bye, Patrick. Flashback Sophie: Patrick, my name is Sophie Miller. I'm gonna help you get better. End flashback CBI Rigsby: I got a partial plate, which gets us a list of about 2,000 vehicles. Take a look at the back window. Cho: It looks like a cat or a dog. Rigsby: It's a bear. The Northwestern Oregon State bear. So Van Pelt cross-referenced that vehicle list with alumni of Northwestern Oregon State... Van Pelt: Which gets us five names- all clean, no criminal records, no animal rights activism, all living quietly in Oregon. But one guy sold his van six months ago to a company based in Sacramento. Rigsby: A, uh... Company with no apparent business and no registered employees based out of one of those warehouses by the river. Cho: Nice work. Rigsby: We've been monitoring the building closely. So far, nobody's gone in or come out.. Cho: We don't know how many people are in there. Rigsby: This could get nasty. All: Police! Freeze! Let me see your hands! Don't move! CBI Man: Yeah, I killed Nelson. He had it coming. And I'm gonna kill Stutzer, too, for what he's doing to the animals. He's got it coming. Cho: What's he doing to the animals? Man: Hey, can I go now? I gotta feed the cats. They get hungry, you know, and they get mad, and they pee on my computer keyboard, and it really screws up my work. Cho: We won't keep you here any longer than we need to. Now this animal equality league-tell me about it. Man: It's a league of people who believe that animals should be equal to humans. I'm chair of the league's supreme council. Van Pelt: He's crazy. Rigsby: Yeah, crazy don't make him innocent. Crazy's what makes people kill other people. Cho: How did you kill Nelson? Man: Poison. Cho: What kind of poison did you use? Man: Wouldn't you like to know? Cho: I do know. I'm wondering if you do. Man: Do you realize that the real rulers of this planet are insects? Van Pelt: Okay. Crazy innocent, probably. Lisbon: Okay. Yeah. Keep him locked up until forensics have swept his stuff, just in case. Call mental health services. Have them take a look at him. Looks like the animal rights angle's a dead end. Back to square one. Jane: The grieving widow? Lisbon: That's always a good place to start. Jane: Yes, I think so. Nelson's house Emily: [phone] Flowers for funeral? I don't know how many flowers u're supposed to have in a memorial service. Is three arrangements too few? Well, how much do lilies cost? Maybe you should just speak to chancellor Stern. He might have a better idea. I'm sorry. Death is so complicated I'm expected to answer all these questions about everything. Lisbon: Mrs. Nelson, I just- Emily: Please call me Emily. I never really got the hang of being called "Nelson." Can we sit? I was just getting the hang of being a newlywed, and now I'm a widow. Lisbon: Mm. Did you ever get any sense that there was anything wrong in any aspect of Alex's life? Emily: No, I don't think so. I mean, work had been really hard lately. I know that. Jane: Is that you? Emily: Yes, that's when Alex and I first met. Jane: Huh. Cute picture. Lisbon: Why was work so hard? Emily: I don't know. When Alex would talk about his work, I couldn't understand a word, and he just stopped trying after a while. But he had an argument on the phone a few weeks ago. Alex went into his office, and I could hear him shouting. He was so angry. He never shouts. Lisbon: Any idea who he was shouting at? Emily: I know it was a woman. Rosie, I think he called her. Lisbon: Rosie. Do you know anybody named Rosie? Emily: No. Lisbon: Did you ever ask him about the phone call? Emily: I did. He said it was a work thing. Lisbon: And you believed him? Emily: Yeah. Lisbon: You didn't suspect that there was another woman involved? Emily: No. Lisbon: Sorry. I have to ask such things Sorry. You have a beautiful house. Beautiful. Did you do the decorating? Emily: No, it's all Alex. He was teaching me. He had an aesthetic. [phone] It keeps doing that every five minutes. What am I gonna do? Jane: When this funeral stuff is done with and Alex is buried, I want you to go someplace beautiful. Just get on a plane. Don't tell anyone where you're going. Just go. Fly away and start building a new life for yourself. Emily: Okay. Jane: Okay. But you promise me you will fight hard against your weakness for control freaks. Emily: Okay. Jane: Good. Good. Emily: I'm sorry. Jane: No. Jane: She couldn't kill anyone unless they told her to in a firm voice. Lisbon: That's funny. "don't listen to control freaks." "whatever you say, sir." Jane: Let's go see Stutzer's assistant. Lisbon: Kerry Sheehan? What, you think she's the mysterious Rosie? Jane: The widow's not a true blonde. She's naturally dark. Flashback Jane: Is that you? Emily: Yes. That's when Alex and I first met. End flashback Lisbon: And what? Jane: And her hair is colored and styled to look like Sophie- Only younger-who was a brunet when I knew her. Lisbon: So Nelson was a control freak, like you said. Jane: A control freak with a serious thing for getting his women to dye their hair blond. Lisbon: Kerry Sheehan has roots. Jane: Yes, she does. Lisbon: She and Alex Nelson were having an affair. Jane: Bravo. Lisbon: Don't patronize me. Lisbon: Miss Sheehan? Kerry? It's Teresa Lisbon. We want to talk to you about Alex Nelson. I need E.M.T.S at 9-6-5 elm. Flashback Kerry: He was good, good man. End Flashback Lisbon: Tell them not to run the lights. Forgive me Lisbon: Looks like suicide. Lisbon: Is it what it looks like, you think? Man: Yeah. How pink she was? That's cyanide. It causes high blood-oxygen saturation. Lisbon: Thanks. Van Pelt: Look at this, boss. I found these in the garbage upstairs. That's Alex with the victim. Stern: It's not a tidy end to this sad saga, but it is an end, at least. Thank you for all your hard work. Lisbon: We're not done here, I'm afraid. If Kerry Sheehan was a suicide, that doesn't make her guilty of Alex's murder. Stern: If she's a suicide? [SCENE_BREAK] CBI Lisbon: The note's too brief for a woman. Women like to explain themselves. I think it's a staged suicide. Jane: Perhaps she was too ashamed of what she'd done to talk of it Van Pelt: She had enough pills to kill herself ten times over. Rigsby: And hoarding pills is characteristic of the suicidal type. Van Pelt: Yes, but why would she kill herself with the hydrogen cyanide, with terrible pain, when she'd collected pills that would let her slip away gently? Jane: Well, maybe she wanted the pain she needed the pain to punish herself for killing her lover. Lisbon: You really want this case to be over, don't you Jane: Don't you? Lisbon: Actually, no. I want to find out the truth. And if Kerry didn't kill herself, then- Cho: the widow had a motive. Lisbon: Yeah, but not the temperament. There's no way she's a killer. That leaves one obvious suspect. Jane: Sophie. Lisbon: Look at her record. She and Alex were violently obsessed with each other. Maybe they were still secretly involved. Maybe she was jealous of Kerry. Yeah, Cho: But why kill Kerry and leave Emily unharmed Rigsby: And how did she even know Kerry was sleeping with Alex? Jane: Let's go ask her. Let's keep it casual to start with Sophie. Let her relax. If she gets her guard up, we'll get nothing from her. Lisbon: You're very combative all the sudden. Jane: No, if she is guilty, she lied to me, and I believed it. She fooled me. Lisbon: The ultimate sin. Jane: Yes, it is. Laboratory Machine: You're adrift in a lifeboat. You can save ten small children by pushing one 60-year-old man out of the boat. Yes or no? Woman: No. Machine: You're adrift in a lifeboat. You can save ten small children by failing to help one 60-year-old man out of the water and into the boat. Yes or no? Woman: Yes. Sophie: That's it. If you could just wait for Greg to release you from the chair, you can go. And thank you very much for your help. Really, both dilemmas are exactly the same- One life for ten- But almost everyone answers the set of questions the same way. It's the most basic human morality- The value we place on a human life and when we're willing to sacrifice it. But watch now if I run a current of electricity through this part of the brain, I can provoke a response that totally bypasses any conscious thought. I can manipulate the subject's moral reasoning towards good, and if I want, the reverse, toward evil. Now you know, obviously there are complex ethical issues involved. So we've recalibrated the test subjects just enough to prove our findings, because we don't want to get too far ahead of public sentiment. Jane: Theoretically, this way, villains... And this way, saints. Sophie: Yes, in simple terms. Jane: I must have a try. You gotta let me have a try. Sophie: Really? As test subject or controller? Jane: Controllers? You-you call them controllers? That's brilliant. Uh, I'll do either. I'd like to do both. Sophie: Really? I'm so glad that we've amused you. Lisbon: Dr. Miller? Sophie: Yes? Lisbon: I assume you've heard about Kerry Sheehan's death. Sophie: Yes, it's tragic. Do you think that she killed Alex? Lisbon: Is there somewhere we can talk in private? Sophie: Sounds so ominous. Lisbon: We could do it downtown with lawyers present, but I thought it'd be more congenial to talk here. Sophie: You're right, and I'm happy to talk to you, 'cause I understand you're just trying to do your job. Lisbon: We were wondering, did you know Kerry and Alex were having an affair? Sophie: Well, I knew she was having an affair with a married man because she told me. I didn't know it was Alex. I didn't put it together. Lisbon: She told you that. You were close, then? Sophie: No, not really. Lisbon: She had to have known you were Alex's ex. Why would she talk to you, of all people? Sophie: I don't know. Jane: You're a psychiatrist. Give it a shot. Sophie: My guess is that she was a silly little girl who liked the secret drama of it all and the safety of the rules that would prevent me from slapping her senseless, if I'd found out. Lisbon: Why would you slap her for that you didn't care about Alex anymore. Sophie: I cared nothing at all for him, but I don't like being played with. Lisbon: Were you still involved in a physical relationship with him? Sophie: No. Lisbon: Who's Rosie? Sophie: Rosie? I can't say that I know anybody with that name. Lisbon: Are you sure? Sophie: Yes. Why? Was that Alex's other woman? Lisbon: Emily heard Alex arguing with a woman she thought was called Rosie. Jane: Lisbon, would you leave us alone for a moment? Lisbon: No problem. Jane: Thank you. Sophie: What? Flashback Sophie: I know you're feeling powerless right now, but you're in control. You have a choice. You can choose to let evil defeat you, or you can fight back. You can fight, or you can give up and die. It's your choice. End flashback Jane: I asked Lisbon to leave us because you... Gave me my life back, and I owe you the chance to do the right thing. Sophie: Which is? Jane: Tell me the truth. Sophie: I told you I don't know anybody with that name. Jane: What about a monkey? Did you know a monkey with that name? Sophie: Yes. Jane: 'cause that's... Rosie... In there, isn't it? Sophie: Yes. Jane: You switched her with Susie because Susie never did get gentle, did she? Sophie: No. Jane: The morality engine doesn't work, does it? It's all phooey. And-and this guy- professor Lewis Stutzer- He's the wizard of oz. Sophie: No. We are this close. We are this close to cracking this. We're on the edge of- of a revolutionary break- Jane: "on the edge"? Sophie. This building, this institute, this whole multimillion dollar project is based on a sham. Yes or no? Sophie: Yes. It's a sham. We've been falsifying data for almost a year now to make it look like it works, but it doesn't. Jane: Why lie about it? It's-it was... Bound to be discovered. Sophie: Pride, delusion, greed. You have to understand. Lewis Stutzer is a genius. This project is the culmination of his life's work. I so desperately wanted it to work. We all did. And we began to believe the lies that we were telling. Jane: And Alex threatened to expose the whole thing. He was going to at the symposium that morning. He was gonna confess. Sophie: I begged him. I begged him not to. It'd be the end of our careers. It'd be the end of everything. Jane: So you killed him and Kerry to cover this whole thing up. Sophie: Patrick. Look at me. I had nothing to do with the deaths. I promise. Jane: Who was it? Stutzer? Sophie: I-I don't-I don't know. Jane: You knew they were both killed to cover this thing up, and yet you didn't say a word to me. That's why you asked me to help you, isn't it? Because you thought you could push my buttons. You thought you could manipulate me into exonerating you. Sophie, look at me. I don't care about the fraud, but if you had anything to do with those murders- If you had anything at all to do with those murders- Now is the time to walk away. Walk away and get on a plane to Brazil. Flashback Sophie: Patrick. Jane: Thank you, Doctor. Good-bye. Sophie: Good-bye, Patrick. Be well. End flashback Sophie: I had nothing to do with the murders. Minelli: [phone]: No, no, no, no, no. I don't like to consent it at all. That's a crazy idea. Jane: Yeah, absolutely. All right. We'll do it, boss. Thanks. He said "Go ahead. Fine." Loves the idea. Sophie: Professor Stutzer, we've done it. Dr Stutzer: What? Sophie: The morality engine works. Dr Stutzer: It works? Sophie: I'll show the policemen how the brain scaner works, -But as the later have been tripping off. Dr Stutzer: Yes, it's been doing that Sophie: So I decide to bypass the differential filters. I think it's producing an eye-on flow into the dent Dr Stutzer: But how? Sophie: I don't know how it works, but it works. Laboratory Sophie: This is his baseline before recalibration. And after. Dr Stutzer: You sure about this? Sophie: I've checked and rechecked the results. Watch! I'm not up to my small authority. Machine: Question 65-B A gunman is going to shoot an innocent child, you can save the child by jumping in front of the gun, but it will cost you your life, do you A-give up your life, or B-let the child die. Jane: A. Sophie: And now I'm going to make him evil. Machine: Question 98. You're stranded on an island with a stranger, you find food supply but there's only enough to keep one person alive, if you do not share the food, your survival is guaranteed, but the stranger will starve. Do you A-share the food, or B-keep the food for yourself. Jane: B. Sophie: See? It works. Dr Stutzer: It does work. It really works. We must tell the chancellor that it works. Machine: Eating people is wrong. True or false? Jane: False. Machine: Question 95. Seeing another human being in pain is pleasant. True or false? Jane: True. Sophie: Well done! Well done! Thanks a lot! Dr Stutzer: I told you I'll succeed in the end. Sophie: Yes, you did. You surly did. All: Mr. Jane. Sophie: Mr. Jane, I haven't restored your normal calibration. Jane: Don't worry about it. Sophie: But he's been calibrated for evil. Dr Stutzer: Sir! Sir, please, follow Dr. Miller's advice. You don't understand what has happened to you. Jane: Yes, I understand. Your morality engine worked. Made me into a good man. Dr Stutzer: No. You do not understand. It is exactly the opposite. Jane: No, doc, you don't understand. Stern: What are you doing? Jane: Put the phone down. Thank you. You know why I'm alive on this planet? My sole purpose. I catch bad people and punish them. That's all I do. Because when I do that, I know I'm doing something good. You see? Dr Stutzer: Yes, yes. Jane: Good people do good thing. Bad people do bad things. Dr Stutzer: Th-that-that's true. Jane: Yes. Now let's test your moral baseline. Question 99-who killed Alex Nelson and Kerry Sheehan? Dr Stutzer: I-I don't know. Jane: That's not an acceptable answer. Tell me the truth, or I will kill that woman. Dr Stutzer: I am telling you the truth. Oh, my god! Stern: Oh, my god! Oh, my god. Jane: Okay, now that we've established Some real test parameters, tell me who killed Alex Nelson and Kerry Sheehan, Or I will shoot your good friend here. And then if you still don't give me an honest answer, I will kill you. Dr Stutzer: My good man, I cannot tell you what I do not know. Jane: I need an answer. Stern: It was me. It was... It was me. It was me. Dr Stutzer: You? Why? Stern: I-I killed them. I'm sorry, Lewis. I was only trying to protect you. Jane: I need evidence. Stern: In-in my basement in a charcoal lighter fluid bottle. Jane: What's in the bottle? Stern: Cyanide. Jane: Why did you do it? Stern: To protect the university. Alex was going to expose the Stutzer institute as a fraud. The-the university's finances are-are based on Stutzer's reputation. If Stutzer goes down, Leyland university goes down. Jane: And Kerry came to you after Alex died, said that Alex had told her everything. She was gonna expose Stutzer, not just as a fraud, But as a murderer. Stern: Yes. Jane: Yeah. Where in the basement is that bottle? Stern: Top shelf on the left as you-as you.. As you come down the stairs. Jane: I bet you keep a nice, neat basement. What was in that bottle again? Stern: Cyanide. Jane: Sophie, you can get up now. See? The blood- totally worth it. It's always those little details that help sell the whole thing. That was-that was great. Stern: It's all inadmissible. I-I said what I had to say to-to save myself from this lunatic with a gun. It's inadmissible. Jane: She knows, but knowing the truth is important, too. Uh, top shelf left or right, did you say? Stern: Left. Lisbon: We have agents at your house right now with a search warrant. Stern: Inadmissible. Lisbon: Yes. I'd hate to be a state's attorney. Jane's always pulling crap like this on them. But they always win. In the meantime, you're under arrest. Cho? Would you? Cho: Put your hands on your head. Jane: Thank you. Cho: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning. Dr Stutzer: If you give up that right... The engine doesn't work? You were pretending. Sophie: It doesn't work. Dr Stutzer: Pretending. To catch the chancellor... Or me, I suppose. You couldn't know which. Jane: No, I thought it was you. Dr Stutzer: Very clever. I so badly wanted to believe that it worked. Mind plays tricks, huh? Never mind. Jane: In the future, I hope that your love life is a little more peaceful, but if it's not and an ex-lover turns up dead again,do me a favor? Don't call me. I think we're pretty much even. Sophie: Paid in full. Jane: Great. What are you gonna do now? Sophie: I'm ruined as a scientist, so I'll probably go back to helping people one by one. Jane: I think that's a great idea. You're very good at that. Sophie: Thanks. Jane: Bye, Sophie. Be well. Lisbon: Jane kissed a girl. Jane: Well, you know, it's... Yeah, on the cheek. Lisbon: Still counts. Jane: Counts as what? Lisbon: Nothing. Just saying. You want to drive? Jane: That's a very sweet offer. Do I really seem so sad? Lisbon: What? I was just asking if you wanted to drive. Jane: You don't like it when I drive. You despise it. Lisbon: You drive way too fast. Jane: I drive just fast enough. You hate not being the one in control, and yet you're willing to overcome your irrational fears go cheer me up. That's a beautiful thing, Lisbon. Thank you. I'd love to drive. Lisbon: Never mind.

Plan: A: Alex Nelson; Q: Who is the leading scientific researcher at Leyland University? A: poisoning; Q: What was the cause of death? A: a personal interest; Q: What does Jane take in the case? A: Sophie Miller; Q: Who is the lead suspect and victim's ex-wife? A: Jane's former psychiatrist; Q: Who is Sophie Miller? A: a bad patch; Q: What did Sophie help Jane through? A: daughter; Q: What family member of Jane's was murdered? A: the favor; Q: What does Jane want to return? A: the multi-million dollar behavioral research project; Q: What was Sophie and Alex working on? A: a sham; Q: What was the research project? Summary: When a leading scientific researcher at Leyland University, Alex Nelson, drops dead from poisoning, Jane takes a personal interest in the case after learning the lead suspect and victim's ex-wife, Sophie Miller, is Jane's former psychiatrist. Sophie helped Jane through a bad patch following the murder of his wife and daughter and now Jane wants to return the favor. While the evidence starts to stack up against Sophie, Jane focuses on the multi-million dollar behavioral research project Sophie and Alex were working on, and ultimately discovers their research was a sham. With reputations and millions at stake, Jane and the team must find who was willing to kill to keep the fraud covered up.

Scene: The upstairs landing of Mrs Wolowitz's house. Bernadette: Almost there. You're doing great. Howard: Thanks for lifting my spirits. Next time, try lifting the box. Raj: Please hurry. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I don't need a treadmill. Howard: The doctor says you need to get exercise. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I get plenty of exercise. Howard: Crushing my will to live isn't exercise. Raj: If she isn't gonna use it, then why are we doing this? Howard: She'll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a HoneyBaked Ham. Raj: All right. Now what? Bernadette: We set it up in Howie's old room. Raj: Do you know how to set it up? Howard: Please, I'm an MIT-trained engineer. I think I can handle... Ma, look out. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Aaaaah! I told you this thing would kill me. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Raj: So she's gonna be laid up for at least six weeks. Leonard: Poor Mrs. Wolowitz. Amy: Should we do something for her? Sheldon: I know. Let's go see the new Spider-Man movie. Amy: Sheldon, we're talking about your friend's mother. She got hurt. Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It's called reading the room, Amy. Penny: Hi. Leonard: Hey, how were things on the set? Penny: Uh, pretty good, actually. Raj: So the movie's not as bad as you thought? Penny: Oh, no, it is, but I decided instead of complaining about it, I'm just gonna go in every day and give it my all. Amy: Good for you. Penny: Thanks. There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone's ever seen. Leonard: I don't know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler's List is tough to beat. Sheldon: Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust. Leonard: It only gets funnier when you explain it, Sheldon. Sheldon: I know. Scene: Mrs Wolowitz's house. Howard: Okay, she's all settled in the guest room. Bernadette: Maybe we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs. Howard: You mean a forklift? Bernadette: Howie. Howard: I'm sorry. I just can't deal with this right now. Bernadette: Taking care of your own mother? How can you say that? Howard: Bernie, she's gonna be off her feet for six to eight weeks. Are you prepared to feed her, wash her and take her to the toilet? Bernadette: I would do it for my mother. Howard: Yeah, of course you would, you're a loving person. I'm what my people would call a putz. Bernadette: Look, I'm not crazy about the idea, but what other choice do we have? Howard: We get a nurse. Preferably someone from a third world country who's used to suffering and unpleasant smells. Bernadette: You'd hire a total stranger to take care of the woman who raised you? That's so cruel. Howard: Not if we pay them well and let them listen to the music of their homeland. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I need to tinkle. Howard: Sounds like a job for a loving person. Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet? Bernadette: You are a putz. Howard: As advertised. Scene: A cinema. Sheldon: Thanks for coming with me. Raj: Thanks for inviting me after everyone else said no. Aren't you gonna get 3-D glasses? Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense in risking bridge-of-nose herpes. Raj: Is that a real thing? Sheldon: Well, until they invent nose condoms, I'm not finding out. Raj: Emily, Hey. Emily: Oh, hey, Raj. Raj: Uh, this is my friend, Sheldon. Sheldon, this is Emily. Sheldon: Oh, yes, you're the dermatologist. I went for a walk yesterday without sunscreen. Do you see anything on my forehead that I should be concerned about? Emily: Um, you know what? I better go. My movie's about to start. Raj: Are you here alone? Emily: No, not really. Raj: What do you mean, not really? Man: Hey, should we get our seats? Emily: Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I'll call you later. Raj: Yeah, okay. Sheldon: That was awkward, right? Raj: Uh-huh. Sheldon: Is it because she's dating you but was out with that other fellow? Raj: Yes. Sheldon: Good. I thought she saw something on my forehead. Scene: The movie set. Director: And action. Wil Wheaton: Please don't shut me out. Penny: Go away. Just go away. Wil: I swear, I will find a way to turn you back. Penny: What gave you the right to mix my DNA with that of a killer gorilla? Wil: I was trying to save your life. Penny: Life? What life? Look at me, I'm a monster. And now I have blood on my hands, or paws. I don't know. Wil: You can't give up. I love you. Penny: I love you, too. But I'm afraid I love killing more. Like, one day, I might actually try and kill you. Director: And cut. All right. All right, let's set up for the next scene. Penny: Actually, you know what? Can we do one more? I think I could do it better. Director: Let's just move on. No one cares. Penny: Well, I care. I mean, look, if we're gonna do this, why not try and make it something we're actually proud of? Director: Look, sweetie, this movie is garbage, but you should be happy about that, 'cause if it was a good movie, you wouldn't be in it. Leonard: Whoa, whoa, hang on. There's no need to insult her. Director: And who are you? Leonard: I'm her boyfriend. Director: Isn't she too hot for you? Leonard: A little, yeah. Director: Well, boyfriend, get off my set. Penny: You can't do that. He's with me. Director: You know what? You can get off my set, too. You're fired. Penny: What? You can't fire me. I'm the star. I'm the girl that goes bananas. It says so on the poster. Director: Yeah, but we just shot the last scene where we see your face. So from now own, the star of the movie is whoever wears this. Wil: Hey, if you're gonna fire her, then you have to fire me, too. Scene: A bar. Wil: Wow, that fell apart really fast. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Thanks for skipping the movie. I couldn't sit in that theatre for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy. Sheldon: Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I've learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don't have all the ingredients to make chai tea. Raj: You don't have to make me anything. Sheldon: No, I do. You're upset about Emily and you're Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you? Raj: Sorry, I left them in my turban. Sheldon: Oh, I'll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That's close enough. You know, I'm curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man? Raj: Wouldn't you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else? Sheldon: Can't happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me. Raj: But you don't have s*x with her, either. Sheldon: Slick, huh? Raj: To be truthful, Emily and I haven't dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other. Sheldon: Have you had intercourse? Raj: No. Sheldon: Well, stick to your guns. There will be a lot of pressure. Scene: Mrs Wolowitz's house. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I'm hungry again. Howard: It's like the world's fattest cuckoo clock. Bernadette: You know, you're always talking about having a baby someday. This is exactly what it's gonna be like. Howard: No, it's not. Bernadette: Come on. The constant fussing, eating, pooping, burping, drooling. We're even waiting for the day when she can finally walk on her own. Howard: Maybe you're right. Anything she finds on the floor goes right in her mouth. Bernadette: I'm just telling you now, if we do have kids, don't expect me to do all the work. Howard: Hey, I'm a very paternal person. I'd be excellent at taking care of a baby. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I'm still hungry. Howard: I'm coming, you big baby. Scene: The bar. Penny: You know, the only thing worse than doing a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass is getting fired from a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass. Wil: Forget it, man, it's crap. You just move on to the next thing. Penny: Yeah, well, it's easy for you to say. You used to be famous. Wil: Hey. I just lost a job for you. Penny: All right, I'm sorry, you're famous. Wil: Penny, it's not about being famous. It's about the art. It's about the passion we have for our craft. (Text message tone) I have an audition for Sharknado 2. If I book this, I am totally gonna pay you back for this beer. Penny: God, what am I doing with my life? Leonard: You having second thoughts about acting? Penny: You were on set, you saw what it was like. Leonard: Yeah, but it's not always that bad. Penny: Oh, really? Leonard: What about when you did, uh, Anne Frank at that cute little theater? Penny: It was over a bowling alley. Leonard: Yeah, but there was ample parking. Penny: Are you done? Leonard: And you were so good in the TV commercial. Penny: It was for haemorrhoid cream. Leonard: And I got itchy and swollen just watching you. Penny: Leonard, you are really not cheering me up. Leonard: Come on. How can you be sad when you're going home with all five-foot-six of this? Penny: Hmm. You think you're five-foot-six, that's funny. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Raj: I don't understand it. I'm a nice guy, I have a great job, I'm well-educated, come from a good family. Why don't women want to be with me? Sheldon: An interesting question. Well, good night. Raj: What? Don't send me home. I can't be alone right now. Sheldon: That's your problem. You can't be alone. Raj: What do you mean? Sheldon: How many women have you had dates with? Raj: Eleven. Sheldon: How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion? Raj: Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con? Sheldon: Sure. Raj: I'll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better. Sheldon: Well, now do you see the problem? Raj: Maybe. I, I don't know.It's late, I should, I should go. Look, I do get what you're saying. Instead of desperately clinging to any woman who will go out with me, I need to work on my fear of being alone. Sheldon: I was trying to suggest chemical castration, but it's my bedtime, so whatever gets you out the door. Good night. Scene: Mrs Wolowitz's house. Bernadette: Howie, I'm back! Howard: Shh, I just got her to sleep. Bernadette: Sorry. Howard: What took you so long? The grocery store is a few blocks away. Bernadette: They only had regular yoghurt. I had to go to a different store to get the extra-fat kind your mom likes. Howard: Then why do I smell coffee on your breath? Bernadette: So what? After two days of taking care of her, excuse me for stopping to get a mocha. Howard: A mocha? Well, it must be nice to be queen. Bernadette: Queen? I've been killing myself here. Howard: Well, whose fault is that? I wanted to get a nurse, but you were all, I'm nice, I want to take care of people. Bernadette: I'm glad I got that mocha. And you know what else I'm glad about? I bought you a brownie and I ate it in the car. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard. Howard: Thanks a lot. Now I have to go rub her belly again. Scene: Raj's apartment. Raj: Hey. Emily: Thanks for letting me come over. Raj: Of course. Please, come in. Emily: I just wanted to say how sorry I am about tonight, and I want to make sure that we're okay. Raj: Uh, look, you and I haven't made any commitments to each other. Emily: I know. I just felt like I needed to explain. The guy I was with did my last tattoo, and he's been asking me out for months. I finally said yes just to get it over with. Raj: It's okay. Emily: Really? Raj: Well, I mean, yeah, it freaked me out a little, but that's my issue, not yours. Emily: Wow. If I saw you out with another woman, I'd be pretty upset. Raj: Thank you. Not just for being upset, but for believing that could happen. Emily: Just so you know, I'm not seeing anyone else. Raj: Well, me, neither. Emily: Okay. Raj: Okay. Please. So, uh, you, you have tattoos? Emily: Yeah. Raj: I don't. I have a hole in my belly button that may or may not have been a piercing. Emily: That's cool. Raj: It's a piercing. So, uh, how many tattoos? Emily: One on my shoulder, one not on my shoulder and one really not on my shoulder. Raj: It's, uh, been a long time since I've seen a girl's really not her shoulder. Emily: Well, how about you show me your piercing and I show you my tattoos? Raj: But, uh, before I take my shirt off, I just need like ten minutes to do some crunches. Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: Oh, my God. What a day. Leonard: Can I get you anything? Penny: No. I need to start making some smart decisions. Leonard: With your career? Penny: With my life. Leonard: Like what? Penny: I don't know. We could get married. Leonard: Come on, be serious. Penny: I am. Leonard: Why? Because I'm a, a smart decision? Penny: Well, yeah. Leonard: So I'm like a bran muffin. Penny: What? No, that's not what I'm saying. Leonard: No, it's exactly what you're saying. I'm the boring thing you're choosing because I'm good for you. Penny: What does it matter? The point is, I'm choosing you. Leonard: Well, it matters a lot. I don't want to be a bran muffin. I, I want to be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop-Tart. Something you're excited about even though it could give you diabetes. Penny: Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want. Leonard: No, no. No, it's too late. I'm your bran muffin. Probably fat-free and good for your colon. Penny: You know what? Forget it. I never should've brought it up. Leonard: You know I want to marry you, but you're only doing this because you got fired and you're feeling sorry for yourself. Penny: Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could have happened to me, okay? I finally realize I don't need to be famous or have some big career to be happy. Leonard: Then what do you need? Penny: You, you stupid Pop-Tart. Leonard: Oh. Then I guess I'm in. Penny: Really? You guess you're in? Leonard: Not like, I guess I'm in. Like I guess, I'm in! Penny: Okay. Leonard: Cool. Leonard: So is that it? Are, are we engaged? Penny: Yeah, I think so. Leonard: All right. Penny: What's wrong? Leonard: I'm not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic. Penny: Yeah, it kind of does, huh? Leonard: Oh, I know. This might help. Penny: Where did you get a ring? Leonard: I've had it for a couple years, not important. Penny, will you marry me? Penny: Oh, my God, yes. Leonard: This would have been so much more romantic if you didn't have monkey hair on your finger. Scene: Mrs Wolowitz's house. Howard: How you feeling? Bernadette: Last night was a little rough, but I think we're gonna get through this. Howard: I'm proud of us. Bernadette: Me, too. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Where's my pancakes?! Foreign Nurse: Coming, Mrs. Wolowitz! Bernadette: You were right. Howard: Welcome to Team Putz.

Plan: A: Howard; Q: Who's old room is the treadmill moved into? A: her doctor; Q: Who says Howard's mother needs more exercise? A: the stairs; Q: What did the treadmill slide down? A: Howard's mother's leg; Q: What did the treadmill break? A: a newborn baby; Q: Howard and Bernadette struggle to care for Howard's mother as if she were what? A: a live-in nurse; Q: What do Howard and Bernadette hire to help care for Howard's mother? A: Leonard; Q: Who visits the movie set of "Serial Ape-ist 2 A: the director; Q: Who does Penny contradict on the movie set? A: Wil; Q: Who takes Penny's side when she is fired? A: a bar; Q: Where do Leonard, Penny, and Wil commiserate? A: Sharknado 2; Q: What movie does Wil audition for? A: better life decisions; Q: What does Penny say she needs to make? A: only Leonard; Q: Who does Penny say she needs to be happy? A: fame; Q: What does Penny say she doesn't need? A: a ring; Q: What does Leonard take out of his wallet? A: the movies; Q: Where do Sheldon and Raj run into Emily? A: Sheldon; Q: Who suggests Raj has to overcome his fear of being alone? A: another man; Q: Who did Emily date? A: months; Q: How long did the other guy ask Emily out? A: her three tattoos; Q: What does Emily invite Raj to inspect? Summary: Howard, Bernadette, and Raj move a treadmill up to Howard's old room at his mother's house as her doctor says she needs more exercise. The treadmill slides back down the stairs, breaking Howard's mother's leg. The couple later struggle to care for her, as if for a newborn baby, but finally hire a live-in nurse. Leonard visits the movie set of "Serial Ape-ist 2: Monkey See, Monkey Kill" where Penny contradicts the director on repeating a take. He insults Penny and fires her. Wil takes her side and gets fired too. They and Leonard commiserate at a bar until Wil is called to audition for Sharknado 2. At home, Penny tells Leonard she must make better life decisions and suggests they marry. He wants assuring this isn't just because she was fired and feels sorry for herself. Penny says that getting fired from the movie is the best thing that happened to her and she realized in order to be happy she needs only Leonard, not fame. Taking out a ring from his wallet, he formally proposes and she happily accepts. At the movies, Sheldon and Raj run into Emily dating another man. Raj and Sheldon later discuss why women don't like Raj. Sheldon suggests Raj has to overcome his fear of being alone. Emily later explains to Raj that the other guy did her last tattoo and asked her out for months; she gave in to get the date over with. She invites Raj to inspect her three tattoos "on my shoulder; not on my shoulder; definitely not on my shoulder" and spends the night with him.

DRAGONFIRE PART ONE Run time: 24:01 [SCENE_BREAK] Refrigeration room [SCENE_BREAK] Belazs: Halt! Kracauer: Oh, you lucky, lucky people. You are the chosen ones, the elite, specially selected to join our force of mercenaries and create fear and terror wherever you go. Zed: We were tricked. Kracauer: Kane has paid seventeen crowns for each of you, and he insists on value for money. Zed: Seventeen crowns? You couldn't even buy a dog for seventeen crowns. Kracauer: Precisely. I wouldn't have paid seventeen crowns for the lot of you, let alone each. Kracauer: Only frostburn. Zed: Frostburn? Kracauer: Liquid nitrogen. Minus two hundred Celsius. Just be thankful your arm didn't go inside the vat, otherwise it would never have come out again. Right, freeze them. Zed: Wait! You mean we're going to be frozen? Kracauer: Until Kane needs your services, yes. What's the matter, getting cold feet? Kracauer: Kill him! Kracauer: Leave him. He's in the restricted zone. He's a dead man. [SCENE_BREAK] Restricted zone [SCENE_BREAK] Kane: Pay no attention to the intruder. You may continue with your work. [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS [SCENE_BREAK] Mel: Where is it? The Doctor: Iceworld. A space trading colony on the dark side of the planet Svartos. Space travellers stop there for supplies. I've been picking up a faint tracking signal for some time. I think there's something interesting going on there, Mel. [SCENE_BREAK] Shopping mall [SCENE_BREAK] Announcer (O.C.): Don't miss our special offer in the nurturing spares department. Photon refrigeration units for only twenty four ninety five. Thank you. Mel: A freezer centre? How boring. The Doctor: Oh, trust not appearances, Mel. You never know what might be lurking in the freezer chests. Think gothic. The Doctor: This way. [SCENE_BREAK] Restaurant [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Ah, two of your best strawberry milkshakes, if you please. Anderson: Certainly, sir. Glitz: There must be some mistake in the reckoning. Ace: The mistake's in your wallet, not my arithmetic. Glitz: Do you take Asteroid Express? The Doctor: Glitz! Mel: Glitz! Glitz: What? No, never heard of him. Mel: It's us, Mel and the Doctor. You haven't forgotten us, have you, Glitz? Glitz: Shush. Keep your voice down. No, of course I haven't forgotten you. Mel, and the Doc. Here, you're not the Doctor. The Doctor: I've regenerated. The difference is purely perceptual. Glitz: Here, you couldn't do us a favour, could you? You see, I'm in a spot of bother. The Doctor: What's this, Glitz? Not another one of your dodgy deals backfired? Glitz: No, no, nothing like that, straight up. Fact is, I'm on a mission of highly philanthropic nature. Mel: What's that? Glitz: It means it's beneficial to mankind. Mel: We know what philanthropic means. What's the mission? Glitz: I have been entrusted to deliver certain secret documents which nefarious unnamed parties would stop at nothing to grasp within their own grubby digits. The Doctor: You mean... Mel: They'd kill you. Belazs: Sabalom Glitz, we've been looking for you. Mel: Leave him alone. If you kill him, you kill us too. The Doctor: Er, steady on there, Mel. Belazs: What are you talking about? Mel: Oh, he's told us everything, about how you tried to stop him delivering secret documents... Glitz: Shush. Belazs: Becoming quite a story-teller, aren't we, Glitz? I'm afraid you also seem to be a victim of Mister Glitz's cavalier attitude toward facts. The Doctor: Glitz. Belazs: I'm not interested in any secret documents which Mister Glitz may or may not possess. I am more concerned with the hundred crowns he took from my employer, Mister Kane, under false pretences. Glitz: That was highest quality merchandise. Belazs: A space freighter full of deep frozen fruit which turned out to be rotten. Glitz: Oh, a bit on the ripe side, maybe. Belazs: They were putrefying, Glitz. Glitz: A little past their prime, perhaps. Belazs: And Mister Kane does not run Iceworld to subsidise crooks like yourself. The hundred crowns, please. The Doctor: I think you'd better pay back the money, Glitz. Glitz: I can't. The Doctor: Why not? Glitz: Well, you see, there was this game of cards. I got well damaged. Belazs: What about the hundred and two crowns you sold your crew for? Mel: Sold your crew? Glitz: Well, the mutinous rabble. They tried to take command of my spacecraft. I relieved myself of them for seventeen crowns a piece. Rather more than they were worth, I think. Belazs: The money. Glitz: Gone the way of all organic matter, I'm afraid. Down the tube. Belazs: In that case, we're confiscating your spacecraft. Glitz: The Nosferatu? You can't do that. Belazs: You have seventy two hours to find one hundred crowns or you lose your spacecraft. Glitz: But it's my livelihood. Glitz: Doctor, you've got to help me. The Doctor: You've only got yourself to blame. [SCENE_BREAK] Refrigeration room [SCENE_BREAK] Kracauer: We're going to have trouble with this lot when you defrost them, Mister Kane. Kane: Trouble? Kracauer: They didn't volunteer willingly. Kane: None of my mercenary force will be willing when I bring them out of cryosleep. The process causes complete loss of memory. With no memories they can have no past, no future, no will of their own, no purpose except to obey me. To them I shall be invincible. My power shall be absolute. [SCENE_BREAK] Restaurant [SCENE_BREAK] Anderson: You will do as you're told. Less of your lip or you'll be out on your ear. Ace: Hope the dragon gets you in the night. Mel: Dragon? What dragon? Ace: It's just a legend. There's supposed to be a terrifying dragon living in the ice passages underneath Iceworld. Mel: I knew there must be a reason why you brought us here. You want to see the dragon, don't you. The Doctor: Oh really, Mel, it's fascinating. Travellers claim to have seen it throughout the centuries but there's never been any proof. Mel: Like the Lock Ness monster. The Doctor: Loch. Mel: Och! Ace: You're going to go looking for the dragon? The Doctor: Absolutely. Ace: Oh, cool. Can I come too? The Doctor: Won't you get into trouble with your boss? Ace: Oh, I'm fed up with being a waitress. Oh, go on, Professor, let me come too. The Doctor: Well, I don't see why not. Ace: Ace! And can we search for the treasure, too? The Doctor: Treasure? Ace: Yeah. The dragon's supposed to be guarding a fabulous treasure. Glitz: (laughs) Treasure? What treasure? You don't want to go believing in myths and legends, Doctor. Mel: Who asked you? We're not talking to you. Glitz: No, if you want my opinion, all this talk of treasure and dragons, it's all a load of old spacedust. Ace: Well, if you're so convinced it's all rubbish, why have you been burning holes in this treasure map for the last two days? [SCENE_BREAK] Control room [SCENE_BREAK] Belazs: He says he lost the money in a game of cards. Kane: I know he lost the money in a game of cards. The game was fixed. What about the map? Belazs: He's convinced it's genuine. Kane: Excellent. He'll soon realise if he wants to see his spacecraft again he has no alternative but to go after the treasure. And when he does, I shall be with him every step of the way. Belazs: There's just one thing. Kane: Yes? Belazs: He appears to have two colleagues. Kane: Colleagues? I thought he sold his entire crew. Belazs: They're not from his crew, sir. Space travellers. A man and a girl. Do you want them eliminated? Kane: Not for the moment, I think. There's no reason for them to suspect that the seal on the treasure map contains a tracking device. [SCENE_BREAK] Restaurant [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. Mel: Looks like something from a jumble sale to me. Glitz: Oi, there's nothing snide about this document. Ace: You don't want to believe nothing you get from him, Professor. He probably bought two hundred of them in a job lot. Glitz: Do you mind? This is the real McCoy, this is. It comes from an unimpeachable source. Ace: What's that, then? Glitz: That means it is beyond reproach or question. Ace: I know what unimpeachable means, bird bath, but what makes you so certain this map's pedigree is twenty four carat? Glitz: Because I acquired it from a man of character and distinction. Mel: How? Glitz: I won it in er, a chess match. Mel: You won it playing cards. Doctor, it's a waste of time. He won it in a card game. Glitz: An honest transaction. The man was desperate not to lose this map, so I know it's something very, very tasty. The Doctor: It shows the lower levels of Iceworld. Ace: No one goes down there any more. Too dangerous. The Doctor: The Ice Garden, the Singing Trees. Glitz: But like the girl says, Doctor, it's too dangerous. The Doctor: Where's your sense of adventure, Glitz? Glitz: What, do you want to go here, the Lake of Oblivion? The Doctor: Where? Glitz: Depth of Eternal Darkness? Dragonfire? I should stop at home, if I were you. Ace: Cor, this sounds brill. The Doctor: My sentiments precisely. What's your name, incidentally? Ace: Everyone calls me Ace. The Doctor: Oh, how do you do. I'm the Doctor and this is my friend Mel. Ace: And we're really going to go looking for dragons? Glitz: Too risky if you ask me. The Doctor: Nonsense, Glitz. Time for a quick adventure then back for tea. Ace: Ace! Mel: That's the spirit, Doctor. Glitz: Hang about! You can't go without me, that's my map. And I don't want these girls coming along, either. Ace: What? Glitz: It's too dangerous. Ace: Professor! Glitz: And since it's my map... Ace: Right, you male chauvinist bilge bag, just you wait. Glitz: Oh, nice. The Doctor: And I was so looking forward to meeting a dragon. Mel: Oh, it's all right, Doctor, you go on ahead. I'll wait here. And if Glitz burns his fingers in the dragon's fire, then it serves him right. Glitz: It's just you and me, then, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] Control room [SCENE_BREAK] Belazs: They have left the upper levels now. Kane: Only two of them, you say? Belazs: Glitz and the traveller called the Doctor. They're just setting off for the lower levels. Kane: Excellent. Continue to monitor the tracking device. Well? Belazs: It's Glitz's spacecraft. Kane: What of it? Belazs: It's just that... Kane: Yes? Belazs: Well, if Glitz and the Doctor are as good as dead, I'd like the spacecraft. Kane: Oh, you'd like the spacecraft, would you? When you first came here you had nothing. You were willing enough to take my payment then. But now you want to leave. Perhaps you have memories of a home you can return to? Perhaps I should have put you into cryosleep along with all the others and erased your memories. Kane: Perhaps you need reminding. As long as you bear my mark, I own you. Man (O.C.): Yes, sir? Kane: Glitz's spacecraft. Have it destroyed. Man (O.C.): Yes, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] Restaurant [SCENE_BREAK] Announcer (O.C.): Would the emergency services please report to the docking bay to deal with an icing up. Thank you. Mel: It's all your fault. Ace: How'd you work that out? Mel: You were encouraging them both. Oh ace, oh brill. Woman: You girl. Yes, you, girl. Come here. Ace: What do you want? Woman: This milkshake isn't adequately shaken. Ace: That's how they come, missus. Woman: It's got lumps in it. Mel: It's supposed to have lumps in it. That's the ice cream. Woman: But we don't want lumps in it. Shake it some more. Ace: Shake it yourself. Woman: I beg your pardon? Ace: You heard. Woman: I've never been so insulted... Ace: Bet you've never had a milk shake tipped over your head, neither. Anderson: I'm awfully sorry, madam. That does it, you're fired. Ace: I'm sorry. It won't happen again. Anderson: Get out. I've had enough of you. Ace: I promise it'll never happen again. Anderson: Get out! You too, out. Mel: Me? Anderson: Both of you. Out! Mel: All right, I'm going. Anderson: You're troublemakers, hooligans. I do apologise for my staff. I do assure you, those milk shakes don't stain. [SCENE_BREAK] Restricted zone [SCENE_BREAK] Computer: Current ambient temperature minus ten Celsius. Target temperature minus a hundred and ninety three Celsius. Computer: Cabinet temperature dropping. [SCENE_BREAK] Ace's room [SCENE_BREAK] Announcer (O.C.): If there's anyone in the emergency control room, would you please answer the phone. Thank you. Ace: Well, come on in, if you're going to. He really gets up my nostrils, that Glitz. Mel: Oh, he's all right underneath. Ace: No. He's a grade A hundred percent div, that's what he is. Underneath. Ace: Look, leave those alone, will you? Mel: I was only trying to make room to sit. Ace: Well, just sit on top of them like everyone else does, can't you? Mel: All right, all right. Ace: I've been meaning to do the washing for a couple of weeks. Mel: Looks more like a couple of months to me. Ace: You're just like the teachers used to be at school. How do you expect to pass your chemistry A level if you can't even store the equipment properly? Mel: A level? You're from Earth? Ace: Used to be. Mel: Whereabouts on Earth? Ace: Perivale. Mel: Sounds nice. Ace: You ever been there? Mel: No. Ace: I was doing this brill experiment to extract nitroglycerine from gelignite, but I think something must have gone wrong. This time storm blows up from nowhere and whisks me up here. Mel: When was this? Ace: Does it matter? Mel: Well, don't you ever want to go back? Ace: Not particularly. Mel: What about your mum and dad? Ace: I haven't got no mum and dad. I've never had no mum and dad and I don't want no mum and dad. It's just me, all right? Mel: Sorry. What about your chemistry A level, then? Ace: That's no good. I got suspended after I blew up the art room. Mel: You blew up the art room? Ace: It was only a small explosion. They couldn't understand how blowing up the art room was a creative act. Announcer (O.C.): If anyone sees any member of the emergency services, will you please ask them to pop along to the upper docking bay when they've a moment to spare. Thank you. Ace: Isn't anyone going to do anything about that ice jam blocking the docking bay? Here, take these. Mel: Deodorant? Ace: They're just old cans. They've got home made Nitro Nine in them now. Mel: Nitro Nine? Ace: It's just like ordinary nitroglycerine, except it's got a bit more wallop. Careful you don't drop them. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Control room [SCENE_BREAK] Computer: Cabinet at minus a hundred and ninety three Celsius. Man (O.C.): Yes, sir. Belazs: It's me, Belazs. Mister Kane has changed his mind about Glitz's spacecraft. It's not to be destroyed, do you understand? Man (O.C.): Spacecraft is not to be destroyed. Belazs: That is correct. [SCENE_BREAK] Lower levels [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Have you seen any Singing Trees or Ice Gardens, Glitz? Glitz: We're still too close to the upper levels, Doctor. Let's cast me eyes over the map. The Doctor: Well, since we've come from that direction, I think we should go in that direction. Then again... The Doctor: Perhaps that direction. Yes. And keep your eyes peeled for any Singing Trees or Ice Gardens, Glitz. [SCENE_BREAK] Docking bay [SCENE_BREAK] Kracauer: Come on, both sides, push! Harder! Push. Ace: Gordon Bennett, what a bunch of Spocks. They'll never get it open at that rate. Here, let's have a couple of those. Mel: You're not going to use those, are you? Ace: If I were you lot, I'd go for your tea break now. Kracauer: Why? What's in those cans? Ace: Nitro Nine. We've got eight seconds. Last one back's a gooey mess. Kracauer: Nitro? Everybody, get down! Ace: Ace! Mel: Ace! [SCENE_BREAK] Restricted zone [SCENE_BREAK] Computer: Target blood temperature of minus one hundred and ninety three Celsius achieved. Kane: What are you doing in the restricted zone? Belazs: I was looking for you. There's been an ice jam in the upper docking bay and the emergency services haven't responded. Kane: Must I do everything myself? Go there immediately and take charge of the situation. Belazs: Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] Singing Trees [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Singing Trees. Glitz: But these aren't trees. The Doctor: Use your imagination, Glitz. Willow trees, something like that. Glitz: Well, where's the singing coming from? The Doctor: Air current causes the crystal membranes to vibrate. Glitz: I bet this is worth a few grotzits. The Doctor: Yes, what's it do? Glitz: Do? The Doctor: Yes. Some sort of opto-electronic circuit. But why? I mean, what's it doing here? Glitz: You mean someone made all this? Dragons? The Doctor: Possibly. Come on, Glitz. Tempus fugit. I want to be back in time for tea. [SCENE_BREAK] Docking bay [SCENE_BREAK] Belazs: What is going on? You two are under arrest. Take them away. Mel: What? Ace: Hang about! Put me down. Ace: Leave me alone! Get off! Stop it! Not fair! [SCENE_BREAK] Ice junction [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Glitz? Glitz? Glitz? [SCENE_BREAK] Refrigeration room [SCENE_BREAK] Kane: Quite a little expert with explosives, I hear. Ace: Yeah? So what if I am. Kane: Excellent. I like women with fire in their bellies, don't I, Belazs? I might yet have a use for you. Ace: Oh yeah? What makes you think I'd be interested? Kane: Oh, I can be very persuasive. Ace: I'm not frightened of you. Kane: Good. Because I shall need people like you in my army of mercenaries. Ace: You what? Kane: Think about it. Travelling through the twelve galaxies, the diamond sparkle of meteorite showers, the rainbow flashes of an ion storm. Think about it. Mel: Don't listen to him, Ace! Kane: How old are you? Ace: Six, eighteen. Kane: Eighteen, eh? No home to call your own. The twelve galaxies are your home. Come with me. I understand you. Mel: It won't be like that, Ace! Don't believe him. Kane: Join me. Take my golden sovereign. Kane: Take the sovereign. Mel: Don't do it, Ace! Please, don't do it! Kane: You've heard altogether too much. Freeze her! Mel: No, Ace! Kane: Take my coin. Take the coin. Ace: Right, freeze! I mean, don't freeze. Stand still and let Mel go. Kane: You stupid girl. Think it's that easy to walk away from me? Ace: Do you feel like arguing with a can of deodorant that registers nine on the Richter scale? Run! [SCENE_BREAK] Lower level [SCENE_BREAK] Mel: Hang on, are you sure this is the right way? Ace: Course I'm sure. Don't you trust me? Mel: I don't know. What with the dragon and all that. Ace: The dragon. It's just something to frighten little children with. It's like witches and goblins. There ain't no such thing.

Plan: A: Ace; Q: Who do the Doctor and Mel meet on Iceworld? A: a timestorm; Q: What has Ace found herself in? A: Kane's mercenaries; Q: Who does Ace almost join? A: Glitz; Q: Who does the Doctor explore the ice caverns with? Summary: On Iceworld, the Doctor and Mel meet Ace, who has found herself there after a timestorm. While Ace nearly joins Kane's mercenaries, the Doctor and Glitz explore the ice caverns.

Skyline: A crane is seen on the horizon lifting a load. ACT I Scene 1 - Café Nervosa Frasier enters happily. Frasier: Can I get my usual, please? He sits at a table with Roz. Roz: Well, you're in a good mood. What's up? Frasier: Well, actually... no, I'd better not. Don't want to jinx it. Roz: No problem. Frasier: Besides, the mark of a-a true gentleman is discretion. Roz: [not as interested as Frasier wants her to be] Okay. Listen, about your dad's bachelor party... Frasier: Charlotte and I spent the night together. Roz: I thought she was seeing that super-hottie Frank. Frasier: Dumped him, thank you. Roz: For you? [then] I mean, wow, way to go! Frasier: Yes, I know. It's funny I should end up with my own matchmaker, isn't it? Roz: Yeah, I mean that Frank was the whole package. Those eyes, that chin, that bod that wouldn't quit... Frasier: Yes, well, it didn't have to quit, it was fired. Frasier's coffee arrives. Frasier: Thank you very much. [to Roz] Now, you were saying something about my dad's bachelor party? Roz: Yeah. Weren't you having a problem deciding on the entertainment? Frasier: Oh, yes. Roz: Well, there's this girl in my spin class, and she does it all - strips, lap dances, movies. Frasier: Really? Would I be familiar with her work? Roz: I don't know, have you seen "Grinding Nemo"? Anyway, I invited her over here so you could check her out. She's going to be here any second. Her name is Amber Licious. Frasier: Really, well, I'm afraid I can't do it right now. I'm meeting Charlotte for coffee, uh- Roz: Well, you can tell her yourself. Hey, Amber! Amber rushes in. She is a busty blonde with a wide smile. Roz and Frasier rise. Roz: How are you? Amber: Hi! Roz: This is Frasier. Amber shakes hands with him. Amber: Hello. Frasier: [after mumbling a bit] Hello, uh, how do you do, Miss Licious? Uh, I'm terribly sorry, but I've got something scheduled, so I'll have to postpone our interview. Perhaps we could meet this evening at my place, around 7:00? I live at the Elliot Bay Towers. Amber: Can we make it 7:30? I have to go re-dub some groans for "He-Biscuit." Frasier: Well, I'll see you then. Good. Charlotte enters the cafe wearing a business suit. Charlotte: Frasier? Frasier runs to join her. Amber sits down by Roz. Frasier: Oh, hi! Listen, I... gosh, I'm sorry I had to dash off this morning. Charlotte: It's OK. I have to dash off myself right now. Frasier: Oh, I thought we were having coffee. Charlotte: We were. I forgot - I have to catch a train to Portland in twenty minutes. I'm giving a talk to the Northwest Businesswoman's Association. I'm sorry. Frasier: Oh, no, it's all right. I'm sure you'll be wonderful. Charlotte: Oh, yeah, it's a good speech. I gave it last year to the Midwest Businesswoman's Association. Anyway, I'll be back Sunday night. We can have dinner then. I really should catch a cab. Frasier: Wait, maybe I could just drive you to the station. Charlotte: Oh, you don't have to do that. Frasier: No, no, I'd like to. Besides, I've always been a sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye - a fog-shrouded train platform, a-a passionate kiss. Charlotte: [agreeing] With a romantic dip. Frasier: Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn few of us left. Charlotte leans back, demonstrating what she meant. Charlotte: Dip, dip. Frasier: Oh! Frasier takes her hand, getting it. Charlotte smiles. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - On the road in Frasier's car Frasier is discussing dinner plans. Charlotte is deep in thought. Frasier: So, I could make us a reservation for dinner on Sunday. I would suggest Cucina... Charlotte: [distracted] Yeah, okay. Frasier: Charlotte... you seem a little distracted. Is there something on your mind? Charlotte? Charlotte: Oh, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, boy. Charlotte: Look, I-I really don't want to get into this now. Why don't we talk about it Sunday night? He parks the car. Frasier: [very worried] Please. I can't wait till Sunday. My imagination will torture me. Charlotte: Okay. [pause] I'm moving back to Chicago in three weeks. Frasier: Three weeks?! Charlotte: It's not you. I bought my old business back from my ex. I-I know I should have told you sooner, but it was never the right time. There is a pause. She reaches out and touches his shoulder. Charlotte: Are you okay? His facial expressions alone are enough to answer that question. Frasier: [under his breath] I had to blab to Roz. Charlotte: What? Frasier: [very sad] Nothing. Are you sure? Charlotte: This all happened before we got together. Frasier: Well, let's look on the bright side. I mean, Chicago isn't that far away. Charlotte: I don't want a long-distance relationship. And neither do you. You said so on your application. Frasier: Okay. But, you know, we still have three weeks. Charlotte: Don't be hurt, but... if someone called your show and said, "I'm leaving town in three weeks. Should I get involved with someone?" what would you say? Frasier: I'd say it was foolish to take the plunge and bring up feelings that must be dashed, and so forth. But what do I know? I'm not infallible. Charlotte: [smiling wistfully] Frasier... Frasier: [resigned] All right. He unbuckles his seat belt, and they embrace. He caresses her gently. A train whistle is heard, and the train itself rushes by. Charlotte: Son of a bitch! Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. My hand slipped. Charlotte: No, no, it's my train! Damn it! Frasier: Oh, dear. All right, look, the next station isn't too far. I'll bet I can beat the train. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Frasier's car Time fade to another train station. Charlotte looks on forlornly as the whistle is heard and the train rushes by. Frasier: Well. Round two to Amtrak. I could drive us to the next station? Charlotte: All right, but, you do know you're going to have to drive a little faster. You do realize we got passed by a school bus and a prefab home. Frasier: Point taken. Frasier starts to drive again. Charlotte: I really do appreciate this. Frasier: [clearly still smarting] Oh, it's all right. Didn't have anything else to do. [then, realizing] Oh, dear. I've got to make a call. Could you hold the wheel, please? She does. Frasier fumbles around with the wires and earpiece of a phone unit. Frasier: I just got this. It's a... it's a hands-free unit. It's, uh, much, uh, much, much safer. He finally gets the unit in his ear and retakes the wheel, but the mouthpiece is pointing straight up. [SCENE_BREAK] Cafe Nervosa, where Daphne and Niles are speaking. Daphne: Can't we just meet her? Everyone in Frasier's building raves about her, and I hear she's unhappy. Niles's coffee arrives. Niles: I just hate the idea of poaching the Steingartens' nanny. Daphne: I seem to recall you poaching another man's fiancée once. Niles: Oh, Daphne, I was in college. I... [off her look] oh, you mean... His cell phone rings. Daphne: Well, who did you mean? Niles: I'm sorry, I have to get this. Hello? Frasier: [v.o.] Niles. Niles: Frasier! CUT back to the car. Frasier: Listen, you remember that idea we proposed about Dad's party? Charlotte somewhat playfully moves the mouthpiece down to its proper place. Frasier: The, uh, the entertainer. [To Charlotte] Oh. CUT back to Café. Niles: The klezmer band? CUT back to car. Charlotte's hand is still flirtatiously near Frasier's face after moving the mouthpiece. Frasier: No, no, the stripper. He chuckles at Charlotte. She smiles and moves back her hand. Frasier: Uh, well, I found one! CUT back to Cafe. Niles: [nervously] Daphne's fine, thank you for asking! She's right here beside me. He gestures his head toward her. CUT back to car. Frasier: Niles, I'm supposed to interview her this evening at 7:30 at my place. I can't make it. Something came up. You'll have to do it for me. CUT back to Cafe. Niles: Oh, no thank you! He smiles stupidly and winks at Daphne. CUT back to car. Frasier: Niles, if you're worried about Dad being there, he's got a date with Ronee tonight. CUT back to Cafe. Niles chuckles nervously. CUT back to car. Charlotte: Don't we want south? Frasier: Listen, Niles, I-I know that you get nervous around fan dancers and their ilk, but you have got to conquer your fear... CUT back to Café. Niles looks resigned. Frasier: [v.o., continuing] Thank you! I'll talk to you later. Goodbye. He cuts off the call. CUT back to car. Charlotte: [nervously] South! Frasier: What, I'm sorry? Charlotte: South!! South!! Frasier: What? What? Charlotte: [craning her neck as they pass the turnoff] SOUTH!! Frasier: Oh, dear, uh, you know, perhaps it would be best if you just said left or right. It's not like there's a compass in the car. She looks at the dashboard. Charlotte: What's that? Frasier: Oh, well, I'll be damned. Charlotte: [notices something else] What's that red light? Frasier: Oh, that. Uh, that's nothing to worry about. It's been on for months. I think there's something wrong with the bulb. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - Dissolve to night The "door open" warning beeps. Charlotte looks forlornly at her cell phone. Frasier enters the car. Charlotte: [with an ironic smile] Cell phones don't work here. Please tell me you know what's wrong with the car? Frasier: Not a clue. I opened the hood as a mere formality. Charlotte sighs. [SCENE_BREAK] NEIGHBORS DESCRIBED JONATHAN AS A NICE BOY WHO KEPT TO HIMSELF Scene 5 - A country home A knock. A rustic, pleasant woman opens the door to Frasier and Charlotte. Sue: Hello? Frasier: We're terribly sorry to bother you, but, uh, our car has broken down. Sue: Well, come on in out of that cold! She escorts them in. The husband is seated at the table. Sue: My husband knows everything about cars. Harbin, these people's car broke down. Go take a look at it for them. Harbin! Harbin looks up with rather wild eyes. He crashes something on the table and heads outside, mumbling unintelligibly under his breath. Frasier: [as he passes] Thank you! Thank you very much. We certainly appreciate that. Sue: Well, just have a seat and have a cup of coffee and warm up. I'm Sue, by the way. Charlotte: Thank you. You're very kind. Frasier: Yes, yes, indeed. Charlotte: I'm Charlotte. Frasier: And I'm Frasier. She starts to pour them some coffee. Frasier: Gosh, you seem to be preparing for some sort of party. Sue: Well, Harbin's mother passed away, so people will be coming over tomorrow. Charlotte: Oh, my God! I'm-I'm so sorry. We should get out of your hair. She and Frasier rise and head for the door. Sue: Oh, no, please! The company will do us good. I mean, Harbin really perked up when you came in. Charlotte: [looking out the door] Really? Because he seems to be crying in our car. Sue walks toward the door. Sue: Excuse me. She opens the door and shouts to her husband. Sue: Harbin! For goodness sake, pop the hood! She shuts the door and sighs with her hand to her head. Sue: You will have to excuse him. He was very attached to his mother. A little too attached for my tastes. [Then] Hi, baby! Hi! She walks to greet her son, who has entered. Jonathan is dressed in a "stalker" type outfit of thermal underwear under a short-sleeve shirt. He has a bald head, walks leaning backward with a sort of "reverse" hunchback, and is very creepy. Jonathan: Who are these? Charlotte and Frasier exchange a glance. Sue: Their car broke down. This is my son, Jonathan. [She caresses him.] Isn't he handsome? Jonathan, this is Frasier and Charlotte. Jonathan: How do you do? Frasier: Yes, nice to meet you... Frasier holds out his hand, but Jonathan walks right past him and extends his hand to Charlotte, who reluctantly shakes it. Sue: How is your project today, baby? Jonathan: [impatiently] Fine, mother. [To Charlotte] You want a butterscotch? He reaches inside his pocket. Charlotte: No, I-I'm good. I'm good. So, what are you making? A long beat. Sue: Art. He won't let any of us see it until it's finished. Harbin re-enters. Frasier: Oh. So, uh, how's our car? Can we just scoot right away from here? Harbin: No. I'll-I'll have to drive to town tomorrow for the parts. So, what happened? Frasier: Well, we were just, uh, driving along the highway, and then suddenly the engine just died. Harbin: [sobbing] Excuse me. He walks out of the kitchen and exits to the living room, crying. Sue: Excuse me. She follows her husband. Jonathan looks on from the doorway. Frasier and Charlotte are increasingly uncomfortable. Sue: [o.s.] Will you please cut out the hangdog bit, Mr. Welcome Wagon? We've got company! Get in there, show them some manners. Offer them a place to stay for the night. Jonathan: You're not going to like it here. Harbin and Sue re-enter. Harbin: Of course, uh, of course you'll have to spend the night. Frasier: We couldn't. Charlotte: No, we really, really couldn't. There must be a hotel in town. They start to exit. Jonathan: What does this look like, Lancaster? Sue laughs. Frasier and Charlotte look at each other in horror. Sue: It's no problem. You could bunk with Jonathan, and Charlotte, you could have the fold-out. Jonathan: [suggestively] I'll help make up your bed... Charlotte: No, that's OK! We'll-we'll stay together. Frasier: Yes, that's right, together. Sue: Oh, well, are you married? Because we don't want to set a bad example for... [motions with her head toward Jonathan] Frasier: Oh yes, yes. Charlotte: We're married! Frasier: Yes, married. Sue: For how long? Frasier/Charlotte: [simultaneously] Oh, two years./Eighteen months. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT I ACT II Scene 6 - Frasier's apartment Martin is speaking on the phone. Martin: Hey, Ronee. It's me. Uh, I've got to interview a new physical therapist to fill in for Daph, so pick me up fifteen minutes later, OK? [Pause] Just have a drink. [Pause] Well, have another one. [Pause, concerned look] Really? Maybe I'll pick you up. He hangs up. CUT to Niles in the elevator, also on the phone. Niles: [stiltedly] Frasier? You're too busy to answer the phone - but I'm just about to interview this... stripper, and I have no idea what to ask. He exits the elevator and heads toward the apartment. Niles: I just hope Dad doesn't walk in and spoil the surprise. I'm Already developing some sort of aversion-based mouth dryness as we speak. [Then] This is Niles, by the way. He enters the apartment. Martin emerges from the kitchen. Martin: Hey, Niles! Niles: [nervous] Oh! Martin: What's up? Niles: [stilted again] Frasier is going to split a case of oloroso with me because we both like oloroso, but he's not here, so I'll stop bothering you. Nice chatting. He blocks his nostril and sniffs, his characteristic "nosebleed of untruth" about to set in. He exits. Martin looks after him with puzzlement. Reset to: Hall In the hall, Niles runs into a young woman (Becky) wearing a sweat outfit, and carrying a manila folder. Niles: Oh! Are you here for the interview? Becky: Yes. Crane, right? Niles: Um, yes. [He gasps a bit with mouth dryness.] Um, the place is a mess. Do you - do you mind if we talk in the lobby? Becky: I guess that's okay. He escorts her into the elevator. As it starts to go down, she smiles a bit uncomfortably. Niles becomes very stilted now. Niles: Um, so, um, how - uh - how long have you been doing what you do? Becky: Oh, years now. At first I just did it for friends, but then I thought, "Why am I giving this away when I can make money at it?" Niles nods nervously. She hands him a paper. Becky: Here are my references. Niles: Oh, uh, I - ahem - didn't know you people had references. Let alone... the mayor? Becky: Yeah. I started with him, and now I do most of the city council. Niles again gasps a bit with the mouth dryness, and hands her back the list. Niles: Well...uh, that--that's good enough for me. You're hired. Becky: Shouldn't your dad meet me before you decide? Niles: Oh, no, no. We--we don't want him to see you till you're taking off your clothes. Becky: What are you talking about? And why are you sweating so much? Niles: I'm sorry. I'm just--I'm just a little ill-at-ease around... Becky: What? Niles: [fighting the mouth dryness mightily and finally stammering] s*x workers. Becky: Ew! Get away from me, you freak! The elevator reaches the lobby, and she rushes out. Daphne is waiting. Niles sees her and immediately tries to compose himself. Niles: Hi. Daphne: [not expecting to see him] Hi. What are you doing here and why are you so sweaty? Niles: [sniffing again] I was talking to Dad about my case of oloroso. Daphne: Oh. Well, if it doesn't clear up by tomorrow, you should call a doctor. Niles: I will. [N.B. Oloroso - a variety of sherry.] [SCENE_BREAK] He rushes away, holding the nostril tightly. Daphne enters the elevator, talking on her cell phone. Daphne: Oh! Hello, Kathy? Yeah, it's Daphne Crane. Listen, I'm going to be up in 1901, and I was wondering if we could finally meet. Oh, that's wonderful! Don't even call it an interview. Everyone says you're the best nanny in Seattle. Good, I'll see you up there then. The door closes. Upon her arrival, Daphne exits to find Amber waiting at the door. Daphne: Oh, wow, that was fast. Come on in. Amber: [confused] All right, what happened to Dr. Crane? Daphne: He's not feeling well. They enter. Daphne: Thanks for coming. I know you're busy. Please, have a seat. Amber: Oh, thanks. Teah, right after this I have to go pick up a new teddy. Daphne: Oh, that's so sweet. They both giggle as they sit down. Daphne: Well, I'll make this quick then. We're not expecting anything fancy. Just the basic burping, diapering, and so forth. Amber: O-kay, I guess I'm game for that. Daphne: Oh, wonderful! Why don't I make some tea and we can talk. She rises and moves toward the kitchen. Amber: Great! Uh, did you want me to wear something special? Daphne: Oh! Since you asked, I've always been partial to a simple white nurse's uniform. Amber: It's a classic. She exits. Martin emerges from the rear. Martin: Oh, hi, I thought I heard some talking out here! I'm Marty Crane. Amber: Hi. Martin: How you doing? Amber: Great. She rises to shake his hand. Martin: So, Daphne give you the third degree? Amber: Oh, not really. Martin: Oh, well, that's good. I think she's a little sensitive, you know, about being replaced. She's been doing me for ten years. Amber: Oh! But then she got pregnant. Martin: Right, right. But you know, lately, she's been having me up on the table. I like it better on the floor. The floor all right with you? Amber: It's your dime. Martin: Well, uh, maybe you could show me your stuff. Amber: Oh... Martin: I'll, uh, never hear the end of it if I don't take you out for a spin. Amber: Oh, sure. I just need to change. Martin: Oh, yeah, the powder room's right there. Amber: Here? Okay. She goes in the room to change. Daphne re-enters. Daphne: Where did she go? You didn't drive her off, did you? Martin: No, not at all. I like her. What do you think about her? Daphne: I like her a lot. Martin: Good. Of course, we won't really know until we see her in action. Amber now enters, wearing a red lingerie outfit and posing. Amber: Ta-da! Martin: [grinning broadly] You're hired! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 7 - The country home Charlotte is seated at the table with Sue and Jonathan. Frasier enters with Harbin, carrying Charlotte's suitcase. Charlotte: [desperately, forcing a smile] Hi, sweetie! You've been gone for twenty minutes! Frasier: Yes. Well, uh, Harbin was just giving me a tour of my engine. Harbin: You've got either a blown rod bearing or a loose pin. If we had a stethoscope, I'm sure we could tell the difference. Frasier: Yes, well, you know, I'm so hopeless with cars. I know I would just misdiagnose it. Harbin: Wouldn't be the first misdiagnosis that ever happened. He exits to the living room. Jonathan: Friend Charlotte. Where's your ring? Charlotte: Excuse me? Jonathan: I thought most married women wore a ring, yet your hand is bare and white. She takes Frasier's hand, looking up at him pleadingly for help. Frasier: Yes, it-it is. That's because this is the hand that I fell in love with. A hand too... too perfect for, uh... the profanity of gold or-or platinum. [He sits, looking at her face.] After all, what diamond could possibly rival the sparkle in those eyes? During this speech, it is very clear the most of the sentiments he expresses are real, and not just spoken for Jonathan's benefit. Charlotte's flattered response to his words is also natural. The moment they share is very brief, but palpable. Harbin suddenly enters. Harbin: I'll take my coffee in the living room, you don't mind! He returns there. Sue: If that will make you happy, Harbin. Shall we? Sue and Jonathan follow to the living room. Frasier and Charlotte share a look of great trepidation. They follow... and stop dead in their tracks when they see a coffin in the living room. Jonathan: [presenting the coffin, matter-of-factly] This is Grandma. Frasier: We... had no idea. Sue: We... are having the wake here tomorrow. Harbin: [sobbing] Mama... loved to party. He collapses in tears on a chair. Sue rolls her eyes. Sue: Excuse me again. She returns to the kitchen. Sue: [o.s.] Yeah, she loved to party all right. With me as her personal slave and handmaiden, doing all the cooking and the cleaning and the wiping her sorry... [re-entering, changing her tone] Sugar? Frasier: You know, we're a bit tired, really. Maybe we could just turn in? Harbin: Well, help me get the cushions off the fold-up. We'll make up the bed. He and Jonathan begin to remove the cushions from the couch in that room. Frasier: You mean we're-we're sleeping in here? Sue: [deadpan] Well, there's Mama's bed. [then] But that's in our room. Frasier: This'll be fine. Charlotte nods her agreement. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 8 - Later that night Frasier and Charlotte are in the hide-a-bed. Frasier has dozed. Charlotte is sitting up, staring at the casket. Then she hears an electric buzzing sound from somewhere in the house. Charlotte: Did you hear that? Frasier: [waking] What? The buzzing again. Charlotte: That! What do you think he's doing down there? Frasier: Well, how should I know, he's your friend. Charlotte: Shh! But they chuckle. Despite everything that's happened to them that day, they are still easy enough with each other to laugh about it. Footsteps are heard approaching the room. They assume a sleeping position and close their eyes. Jonathan enters and checks that they are asleep. Then he opens the casket. Frasier and Charlotte, watching him, are both horrified and amused. Jonathan: [sotto voce] Grandma? It's Jonathan. I just wanted to tell you that our little secret is still safe. He closes the casket softly. Frasier and Charlotte again feign sleep as Jonathan checks them again, then exits. They then sit up. Charlotte: Well, this tops anything that would have happened at the Portland Radisson. They begin to laugh again. Footsteps are again heard, and they re- assume the sleeping position. Harbin enters, and opens the casket. Harbin: [voice breaking] Hi, Mama! I can't believe I'm not going to get one more hug. [leans in] What's that? One more? Ohhhhh... He picks up the corpse and embraces it. Frasier and Charlotte can barely contain themselves, quivering in bed and desperately muffling their laughter. He glances their way and they "sleep" again. Harbin: I better go, Mama. I'm sorry I scraped your head with my watch. He closes the lid, then kisses his fingers and puts them on the coffin. Frasier and Charlotte exchange another look, then resume their position before Harbin exits. After he is gone, they break out in unrestrained, but quiet laughter. Frasier: You know... he said the same thing to my engine when he opened the hood. Charlotte laughs. Frasier joins her. The mood between them is very playful and comfortable. They lie facing each other. Frasier: Charlotte... I'm afraid we're making a terrible mistake. Charlotte: Frasier, I'm not switching sides again. Frasier: No. I mean writing off these three weeks just 'cause you're moving. I had a great time with you today, and with somebody else it would have been a disaster. Charlotte: With somebody else, I would have been in Portland. Frasier: Come on, you know what I'm talking about. We have a lot of Fun together. And why deny ourselves the chance to have even more? I know the sensible thing would be to just end it now, and walk away. And normally that's what I would do, but... I don't want to be sensible. Charlotte: [with emotion] But we'd only have three weeks. Frasier: I know. It'd be like a summer fling. Charlotte: But wouldn't we be sad when it ended? Frasier: Of course we would. That's what happens. You-you're sad When summer's over. [then] Well, I... never was. I always looked forward to the new school year, when I would buy my books... She puts a hand to his mouth. Charlotte: [lovingly] Are you going to talk all summer? They start to kiss. The buzzing is heard again, and they sit up, smiling. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT II [SCENE_BREAK] It is morning. Frasier and Charlotte are asleep. Sue enters the room carrying a breakfast tray. She sets it down and opens the casket. She looks at the corpse, and laughs gleefully. Frasier and Charlotte wake up and watch as Sue tauntingly waves goodbye to the corpse and dances with joy. She closes the casket and brings the tray to them as they "wake up."

Plan: A: his good mood; Q: What disappears when Frasier is driving Charlotte to the train station? A: a train; Q: What mode of transportation did Charlotte miss? A: Portland; Q: Where is Charlotte going to catch a train? A: three weeks; Q: How long until Charlotte moves back to Chicago? A: Chicago; Q: Where is Charlotte moving back to? A: a long-distance relationship; Q: What do neither Frasier nor Charlotte want? A: the car; Q: What breaks down on the way to the next station? A: an experienced car mechanic; Q: What is the profession of the person who helps Frasier and Charlotte? A: the entertainment; Q: What is Niles left to organize for Martin's bachelor party? A: Roz; Q: Who found a stripper for Niles? A: the stripper; Q: Who is mistaken for Martin's new physiotherapist? Summary: Having spent the night with Charlotte, Frasier is very pleased with himself. However, his good mood disappears when, while driving her to the station to catch a train to Portland, she tells him that in three weeks she will be moving back home to Chicago . Neither wants a long-distance relationship , so they are compelled to consider breaking up before things get more serious. In the midst of this conversation, they miss the train, so Frasier drives to the next station. Owing to his over-careful driving, they miss it again, and then the car breaks down on the way to the next station, leaving them stranded in the middle of nowhere. Fortunately, they find the house of an experienced car mechanic and his family, but they turn out to be rather eccentric. Meanwhile, in Frasier's absence, Niles is left to organize the entertainment for Martin's bachelor party , and Roz has found him a stripper . For Niles that she is coming round to be interviewed on the same day as Daphne's new nanny , while the stripper is mistaken for Martin's new physiotherapist .

[EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - LATE AFTERNOON] [EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - EARLY EVENING] [EXT. LAS VEGAS FOOTBALL STADIUM (STOCK) - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (BARRY SCHICKLE and three other boys come out into the hallway. One of the boys is carrying a basketball. A school bell rings in the background.) Barry Schickle: I'm telling you, man. Friend: See ya, bro. Barry Schickle: Later, losers. (The three boys walk down one hallway and BARRY SCHICKLE walks down another hallway. BARRY SCHICKLE looks behind him to make sure that no one's there, reaches into his backpack with one fluid motion and pulls out a spray can. He stops in front of the long row of student lockers and with a final look to make sure that he is truly alone, he confidently sprays "STICK" in orange on a particular locker. He shows no hesitation. It's as if he's done this a million times before.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - BATHROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Close up of door handle as BARRY SCHICKLE enters the men's bathroom. He positions himself in front of the urinal and faces the mirror. Something distracts him and he turns around. He ducks as the first gunshot hits the corner of the mirror, shattering it. The next three shots hit Barry in the back. He falls to the floor.) FLASH OF WHITE TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - BATHROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] Brass: Barry Schickel. Wallet's still with him. With cash. "A" student. Recently voted class clown. (BRASS and GRISSOM are standing over the dead body. An officer stands just on the inside of the men's bathroom door. GRISSOM kneels down next to the body for a closer look.) Grissom: Strange, people usually aren't scared of class clowns. (He looks up at BRASS. BRASS also kneels down next to GRISSOM.) Brass: Who said the shooter was scared. Grissom: Shot him in the back. Brass: With his zipper down and his hands otherwise engaged. Grissom: Yeah. We're looking for a coward. HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - ENTRANCE / HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (Two people from the coroner's office wheel out BARRY SCHICKLE'S body in a bag on a gurney. They pass WARRICK and CATHERINE on the way out as they walk into the school. Both are carrying their CSI kits. They turn the corner and Catherine sees the janitor cleaning off the orange spray-painted graffiti on the locker. The same graffiti made by BARRY SCHICKLE.) Catherine: Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? Janitor: Removing graffiti. Catherine: There's been a murder here. Nothing gets cleaned. Janitor: School policy, Miss. I have to get this graffiti down as soon as ... Catherine: Everything is Evidence. Policy of the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Should we call the Sheriff? (The janitor takes one look at CATHERINE'S unwavering expression and relents.) Janitor: No. Catherine: Thank you. (The janitor puts his cleaning things down and leaves everything as is. WARRICK and CATHERINE continue on.) Warrick: Bet you were like that in high school. Catherine: Worse. Warrick: Oh, you were the girl I ran away from. Catherine: Yeah. Till you caught me. (WARRICK laughs. CATHERINE smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MEN'S BATHROOM -- NIGHT] (BRASS is questioning the School's Principal while GRISSOM is busy looking at the bullet lodged in the mirror.) Brass: So, you say that football practice was over at 5:45? Principal Perrin: That's right. Brass: And it was okay for a student like this victim to return to the school property to use the restroom. That wasn't out of the ordinary? (GRISSOM locates the bullet.) Grissom: (interrupting) Hand me a bindle. (PRINCIPAL PERRIN momentarily turns to GRISSOM. The unknown person off screen hands GRISSOM a bindle. He continues to extract the bullet lodged in the wall.) Principal Perrin: Place isn't locked up till the janitor leaves end of his shift eight, eight-thirty. Until then, the kids at after-school events use the facilities. (GRISSOM removes the bullet.) Grissom: (interrupting) Brass ... Principal Perrin: (more than annoyed) Excuse me, one of my students is dead. Are we interrupting you? (GRISSOM turns around to look at the man.) Grissom: Yeah. A little. Brass: (to PRINCIPAL PERRIN) That's okay. I'll drop by your office. We'll finish it there. (PRINCIPAL PERRIN leaves the men's room.) Brass: (to GRISSOM) You found a slug. So, the treasure hunt paid off, huh? Grissom: Yeah, it better. We have a point of reference. (GRISSOM puts a pink marker in the bullet hole in the wall.) Brass: Well, the nerd squad is off and running. I'm going to ... uh ... burn a little shoe leather and see whether the victim had a beef with anyone. (BRASS leaves the men's room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. OUTSKIRTS LAS VEGAS - RED ROCK -- NIGHT] (A Police Rescue helicopter flies over head.) Rescue One: (over radio) Rescue One over drop site. We have a visual, Baker One. (On the helicopter, Sara is in her #36 hat and Nick in his #19 hat both waiting to be taken to their location.) Rescue One: (over radio) Stand by for Eastern Approach. (The Rescue helicopter hovers over it's location.) Rescue One: (over radio) CSI. Ready for descent. Man on Rescue One: (to NICK) You're good to go. Nick: Okay! There he is. Let's get down there. (Both NICK and SARA throw their ropes off the helicopter. NICK turns to SARA ... ) Nick: Ready? Sara: (smiling) I'll race you! (They both rappel down their ropes and in no time, they're on the ground.) Rescue One: (over radio) CSI is through the air. Rescue One: (over radio) CSI is on the ground. (On the ground, they are met by an Emergency Services Man standing guard over the large leather bag.) Nick: Stokes! Sidle! Crime Lab. Did you open the bag? Hank Peddigrew (emergency service man): Only long enough to see one gnarly looking hand. Well, skeleton of a hand. (SARA takes off her helmet. NICK crouches low to look at the bag. He notices the smell.) Sara: Anyone touch the bag since? Hank Peddigrew: With that smell? Sara: I thought you Emergency Service guys were tougher than that. Hank Peddigrew: Hey, I'm plenty tough. Sara: (smiling) Down, boy. It was a joke. (NICK gets up from his position next to the body and walks toward SARA. He has a large grin on his face and is laughing openly at SARA.) Nick: (to SARA) He-he. Nothing like flirting over a D.B. Nick: (to PEDDIGREW) You want to airlift the body to the coroner's. We'll radio ahead. Hank Peddigrew: Sure. Sara: Great. (SARA pulls out a knife and begins to cut the handles off from the bag.) Hank Peddigrew: Are you supposed to do that already? Sara: Body's coroner's. Property's ours. (Camera holds on HANK PEDDIGREW'S smile, then refocuses on NICK as he looks up and puts his helmet back on. The helicopter overhead drops the hook. The hook is attached to the basket holding the bag. It takes off, taking its cargo with it.) Rescue One: (over radio) We have the basket. Copy that. Rescue One returning to base. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MEN'S BATHROOM -- NIGHT] (WARRICK and CATHERINE walk in. Apparently they are a bit late. GRISSOM has been busy in their absence.) Catherine: Hi. Warrick: Construction on Flamingo. I'm sorry. Grissom: (to WARRICK) Give me a hand, will you? Warrick: Yeah. (WARRICK puts his kit down. GRISSOM takes out some pink-colored string and begins unraveling it and heads toward the bullet hole in the wall. WARRICK takes a closer look at the hole.) Warrick: A .38? Grissom: .44. Here, take this. (GRISSOM hands the string to WARRICK. CATHERINE notices an orange smudged-up thumbprint on the wall in the bathroom stall. The camera does a close up of the print.) Catherine: Brass said the victim had a can of spray paint, right? Grissom: Orange, by my kit. It was in his backpack. (CATHERINE snaps a picture of the print. She turns and looks at the spray can in the zip locked baggie near the backpack. She crouches down, picks up the paint can and sighs.) Grissom: Did you get something? Catherine: Paint from another source. I'm going to find out who belongs to that locker. (CATHERINE leaves. WARRICK is holding the spool of pink string and is standing on the opposite side of the bathroom from GRISSOM who is holding the end of the string against the bullet hole in the wall. They're trying to estimate the height and position of the shooter.) Warrick: Kind of weird being in a high school. Grissom: They do have a timeless quality. Warrick: What were you? A jock or a brain? Grissom: I was a ghost. (WARRICK laughs at the response. GRISSOM smiles.) Grissom: Here. (GRISSOM removes the pink marker from the bullet hole in the wall and looks across the room at WARRICK.) Grissom: Shooter was standing right there. (WARRICK holds out his index finger and thumb as if holding an imaginary gun. He fires.) (Begin bluish-white hazy flashback. Camera moves along the pink-colored string in the same trajectory as the bullet shot. The other gunshots follow. As it passes the urinal, it hits BARRY SCHICKLE, who is standing there with this backpack. The camera continues it's movement till we see GRISSOM also in the frame. BARRY SCHICKLE falls to the floor in a puddle of blood ... and disappears. End of flashback.) (Resume on GRISSOM. GRISSOM kneels where BARRY SCHICKLE fell. Right in front of the blood markings on the floor.) Grissom: And ... ? Warrick: Reconstruction guys can give us a more precise angle measurement, but I'm thinking ... five-four ... maybe three. We got ourselves a shorty. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT CSI - CORONER'S OFFICE] Nick: Let's see what metal shows up. (Using a machine to x-ray into the bag without actually opening it, DAVID PHILLIPS, NICK and SARA examine its metallic contents.) Nick: Well, there's no gun on our dead body. Sara: Wouldn't it be easier to just unzip the bag and see what kind of shape our vic is in? David Phillips: (smiling) I like to put that off till the last possible moment with decomps. Sara: I see a coin. Looks like a half dollar. David Phillips: Silver, whole. (Off SARA'S look) I've done a few of these. Nick: What's that? There. About four inches long. What is that? David Phillips: It looks like a pin. It's a medical implant. (They pull the table the bag rests on completely through the machine.) David Phillips: Oh, and that's a plate in the skull. The head's been rolled. Sara: I'd say we're dealing with a man. David Phillips: Yeah, and by the sound of things he's been dead about two months. Sara: Sound? (DAVID PHILLIPS reaches out to rustle the bag. Inside, we hear the shloshing sound of liquid.) David Phillips: You weren't here when ESD brought this in. Nick: Well, it wasn't from lack of trying. (SARA looks at NICK ... and smiles. David Phillips: Let's go to the V.I.P. room ... I'll show you what I mean. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY IN FRONT OF LOCKERS] (Extreme close up of orange fingerprint. Flash to white. Camera moves back to reveal the bright light of the flashlight shining on the bottom of the orange spray-painted letter "t" on the locker. CATHERINE fingers the portion of the letter that was smudged.) (Camera slowly moves left and stops on JULIA BARRETT, the school's counselor.) Julia Barett: That's Dennis Fram's locker. Catherine: And was this a first or has the deceased spray-painted his locker before? Julia Barett: Look, I'm the school counselor I don't know every move these kids make. Catherine: Well, that's obvious or a young man wouldn't be dead. Tell me what "stick" means. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MEN'S BATHROOM] (Close up on a walkie-talkie shaped hand-held device. Camera moves back and we see that WARRICK is holding the device out in front of him and doing a slow air-sweep of the bathroom stall where the shooter was supposedly standing.) (GRISSOM passes by WARRICK and notices the device.) Grissom: Is that a Polymer Sensor Proboscis? (WARRICK stops what he's doing and shows the device to GRISSOM, who takes it and looks at it.) Warrick: Cyranose 320. Company sent it to me, gratis for a week. They figure if it helps, CSI will buy one. Grissom: Electronic noses run like ten grand. Warrick: Yeah, well ... what if the shooter chews a certain kind of tobacco or has a unique halitosis and the e-nose picks up on it? Grissom: If that thing ran out of here and bit the shooter in the ass, the county would not approve a $10,000 purchase order. (GRISSOM hands the device back to WARRICK, turns and heads toward his kit. He kneels and begins putting something together. WARRICK slowly sweeps the air in the stall as GRISSOM speaks.) Warrick: I thought it was our job to speak for the victim no matter what it took ... and to hell with the budgets. Grissom: Our job is to think, Warrick. Machinery should never matter more than our mind. Try this ... (GRISSOM stands and hands WARRICK an Erlenmeyer flask, a tube with a rubber stopper and a pump. He squeezes the pump a few times before giving it all to WARRICK.) Grissom: Glass tube. Air pump ... Warrick: Air pump. Cost about ten bucks. (GRISSOM turns and heads out the restroom.) Warrick: Absorption agent? (GRISSOM turns back to WARRICK, glances down at his kit and smiles. Grissom: Fresh out. Improvise. (GRISSOM leaves the restroom and WARRICK holding the ten grand e-nose in his right hand and the ten dollar air pump in his left hand.) (WARRICK sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY IN FRONT OF LOCKERS] (Out in the hallway, four boys stand with a guard near the yellow-taped barrier blocking off the hallway. CATHERINE fills GRISSOM in on the kid who belonged to the spray-canned locker. The school counselor, JULIA BARRETT is with them.) Catherine: And Miss Barrett says that a Dennis Fram had been bullied by the deceased all year. He spray-painted his locker many times always something to do with his build. "Skinny," "shorty" ... that kind of thing. Julia Barett: Dennis is slight and Barry always picks on him for it. Grissom: Can you arrange for us to meet with Dennis? Julia Barett: Of course, but he would never hurt Barry. He's a good kid. He's totally nonviolent. Grissom: Well, then, this will be brief. (JULIA BARRETT sighs. She turns and walks down the hallway toward her office. GRISSOM starts to follow. CATHERINE turns back to look at the locker. ) Julia Barett: (o.s.) We can call him from my office. (GRISSOM notices that CATHERINE isn't following. He stops. JULIA BARRETT continues down the hallway.) Grissom: You coming? Catherine: Oh, I'll catch up to you. (GRISSOM turns and follows JULIA BARRETT. CATHERINE looks around and sees THE JANITOR carrying a ladder walking along the hallway past the various colored signs hanging on the wall. He stops when CATHERINE calls out to him.) Catherine: Hey ... I need to talk to you. Janitor: (defensively) I didn't clean anything. Catherine: (shakes her head) It's not about that. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - JULIA BARRETT'S OFFICE] (JULIA BARRETT is sitting behind her desk. GRISSOM is leaning against a pillar in her office and DENNIS FRAM is standing in front of JULIA BARRETT'S desk.) Grissom: How tall are you, Dennis? Dennis Fram: (looks nervously at JULIA BARRETT) Five-three ... and one quarter. Grissom: Have you washed your hands in the last hour? Dennis Fram: Yeah. Why? Grissom: Changed your shirt? Dennis Fram: No. Grissom: I'd like to do a test on your shirt if I may. Dennis Fram: What kind of test? Grissom: Forensic. (DENNIS FRAM again looks nervously at JULIA BARRETT who says nothing.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: (GRISSOM'S kit is open on the desk. He picks up a small plastic pump bottle filled with a clear liquid. Standing next to him is DENNIS FRAM in a white t-shirt. JULIA BARRETT is standing next to DENNIS FRAM. DENNIS' blue short-sleeved shirt is on a hanger on a rack.) (GRISSOM sprays the liquid on the shirt. He puts the small plastic bottle back in the kit and picks up another bottle similar to the first. He also sprays this on to the shirt. In front of their eyes, the shirt emits a bright blue stain.) Dennis Fram: What is that? Grissom: G.S.R. When someone fires a weapon, gunshot residue plumes back onto their hands and clothing. (Short CGI video POV in slow motion of a handgun being fired; and a cloud of residue coming from the gun and sticking onto the shirt of the person holding the gun. End of CGI.) Grissom: This means that you fired a gun within the last three to six hours. Julia Barett: Dennis ... Grissom: The police are going to want to talk to you. (Camera holds on DENNIS FRAM'S face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - JULIA BARRETT'S OFFICE] (Camera on GRISSOM sitting in a sofa chair in JULIA BARRETT'S office. JULIA BARRETT is sitting behind her desk. BRASS is standing off to the side of her desk facing DENNIS FRAM still in his white shirt in front of the desk.) Brass: (o.s.) So, you admit you fired a gun. Dennis Fram: (o.s.) I was over at the shooting range on Desert Way. Brass: So the same night that Barry Schickel was shot and killed you were out taking target practice? Dennis Fram: I go every Monday night. You can ask my sister. She goes with me. Brass: Where's your gun? Dennis Fram: I rent different ones there. Grissom: Did you ever rent a .44 caliber? Dennis Fram: Sometimes. (Outside, there's a commotion as a young woman tries to get into the office. The guard is trying to stop her, the young woman pushes the guard aside and opens the door. She's angry.) Kelsey Fram: I'm going to see my brother! Get out of the way! (The young woman walks in and kneels in front of DENNIS FRAM.) Kelsey Fram: Denny, are you okay? Got your call. Dennis Fram: I'm fine, I'm fine. Brass: We're conducting a police investigation here. Kelsey Fram: My dad's back in town tonight and you'll be sorry you harassed my little brother. Brass: "Questioned". A student was shot and killed in this building tonight. Julia Barett: (standing) You know what? Dennis has explained to you about the gunpowder. And I am sure his sister will vouch for his whereabouts. And he's a minor. Grissom: (interrupting) Jim. Brass: We'll be in touch. (Camera holds on KELSEY FRAM and DENNIS FRAM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - CORONER'S OFFICE - VIP ROOM] (DAVID PHILLIPS starts to unzipper the leather bag. He stops halfway and issues a final warning to SARA and NICK.) David Phillips: Remember, breathe through your mouth. (They both nod their heads. He unzippers and opens the leather bag. SARA immediately reacts to the stench. NICK turns his head away and swallows as he, too, hasn't been unaffected by the smell of the decomposing body.) (The first thing DAVID pulls out of the bag is an arm cut off at the elbow. As he said, he's done this before. He's breathing through his mouth. SARA struggles to do the same. He then pulls out the skull and shows it to the CSIs.) David Phillips: Metal plate. (He places the skull with metal plate next to the arm on the table. He reaches into the bag and holds out a ... ) Sara: Silver dollar. (That, too, goes on the table. He looks once again into the bag and pulls out the ... ) Nick: Gambling chip. (SARA struggles to breathe.) David Phillips: ... and... (DAVID clears his throat and pulls out a man-sized, dripping wet ...) Nick: Jacket. Government Issue, Army. Sara: Ugh. (The jacket goes on the table next to the other contents from the bag. NICK writes on the clip board he's carrying. DAVID looks back into the bag.) David Phillips: Pile of bones and that's it. Sara: That's it? No organs? No-no tonsils? No ... (DAVID turns the rest of the bag over and out pours thick, black ... ) Sara: ... soup? Nick: Human ... soup. Well, we are 73.5% liquid, eh, Dave? (The thick black "soup" oozes across the counter and down into the sink.) David Phillips: Add some bacteria, a couple gases, and... voila! Sara: Okay, I'll take liquid man's jacket, see what I can find. (SARA turns away. She starts brushing away at her scrubs.) David Phillips: I'll cremate this. Nick: What if we find the family or they find us? David Phillips: A decomp this bad can stink up the entire building ... forever. The sooner we dispose of this, the better. (NICK also turns away. He seems to be holding what looks like the skull in his hands.) Nick: Not for our investigation. (They both leave DAVID to dispose the body.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY OUTSIDE FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM B-29] (Both SARA and NICK tear out of the Autopsy Room gasping for a breath of fresh air. SARA is carrying a blue plastic bag and NICK is carrying a small plastic container. They run into GRISSOM as he passes the hallway.) Grissom: Let me guess. Decomp in an enclosed space? Sara: Yeah. Nick: Yeah, in a zip bag. Grissom: Lemons. Sara: What? Grissom: Use lemons. (GRISSOM mimics squeezing lemons on his own head to demonstrate what he means.) Nick: Hmm. (NICK leaves. SARA turns around and looks back into the room they just came from. She sees DAVID PHILLIPS washing away Liquid Man from the table, cleaning up the mess ... disposing the body. He's breathing through his mouth ... just as he's done so many times before. As she watches through the protection of the glass window, we see a new found respect in SARA for the man and the profession.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- UNCLAIMED REMAINS VAULT] Lyric: ("Can't Find My Way Home") ... But I can't find my way home / still, I can't find / my way home / and... come down / off your throne / but I can't / find my way home. (A CORONER fills out a form and puts it in the metal file box on the table next to him. He's standing inside what appears to be a large file room. The entire wall is filled from floor to ceiling with little file drawers. The CORONER climbs the ladder and places the box in a file cabinet drawer with the following label.) NAME OF DECEASED: JOHN DOE CORONER'S CASE NO.: 20010068 FILE NO: 387142183 DATE: 9/18/2001 [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK) - EARLY EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MEN'S BATHROOM] (WARRICK'S crushing something with a pestle in a mortar. CATHERINE walks by.) Catherine: So how's your new toy working out? Warrick: It's been downsized. Catherine: Bummer. I know how you wanted to see that thing work. Warrick: Well, it's the same difference, really. (WARRICK stands up and holds out the Erlenmeyer flask with the crushed chalk on the bottom, tube with rubber stopper and the air pump. It's not attached yet.) (Close up CGI POV as WARRICK speaks. The air pump is squeezed and air is sucked into the flask through the tube. Camera close up on the chalk inside the flash absorbing the air. End of CGI POV. Cut back to WARRICK and CATHERINE.) Warrick: Air is drawn into the last tube the chalk absorbs the chemicals from the air. And mass spec will break it down at the lab. Catherine: So why did you need the expensive one in the first place? Warrick: 'Cause it was cool. (Off CATHERINE as she smiles at WARRICK'S honesty. No matter how old they are, it's all about the cool toys.) Catherine: I'll see you in homeroom. Warrick: All right. (CATHERINE leaves WARRICK to carry on.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM] (ROBBINS and GRISSOM are examining BARRY SCHICKLE'S body. The body is rolled partially on its left side to expose the bullet holes on the back.) Robbins: Barry Schickel from the high school. Dug three of these .44's from his back. (ROBBINS holds out a slug. He puts it in the tray on the side.) Robbins: First one cracked his infraspinous fossa. (CGI POV of the bullet cracking through bone. Flash to white. Resume on GRISSOM.) Robbins: (V.O.) Second one entered ... past the interior angle of the scapula punctured a lung. (CGI POV of a second bullet piercing through a lung in slow motion. Flash to white. Resume on ROBBINS and GRISSOM.) Robbins: And the last one entered just right of the right anterior sarratus muscle ... pierced the heart. Grissom: The heart? That makes no sense. Robbins: This is a special case. (ROBBINS rolls the body onto its back. He points to a small four-holed scar on the body.) Robbins: See the scar? This guy was attacked before ... I'd say in the last six months. Grissom: But not with a knife, it looks like prongs. Robbins: Whatever it was, it would've killed him. If his heart had been there. (CGI POV of a fork puncturing through the chest, down past the rib cage to the organ ... or non-organs beneath. Flash to white. Resume on GRISSOM.) Grissom: Where was his heart? Robbins: Barry's upper body? All his internal organs are on the opposite side of typical placement. (ROBBINS and GRISSOM move to the x-ray viewer where the film of the body is on display.) Grissom: Dextrocardia? Like Dr. No? That only presents in .01% of the population? Robbins: Which was good for this guy, until his luck ran out. (GRISSOM looks back at the body.) Grissom: How long ago did you say he was stabbed? Robbins: Six months, hand-to-hand combat. Sounds like something your suspect would do? Grissom: No. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (Close up of tag on the jacket SARA'S working on. She's removing the guck from it. NICK bursts into the room.) Nick: Hey, how's Liquid Man doing? Sara: You mean "Mr. Cartsen"? I found this. It's a nametag. (NICK puts on a pair of latex gloves to assist SARA.) Nick: You know, Sara, a lot of homeless guys get these army jackets cheap at salvage stores. Sara: Well, it's a start. I'm going to get homicide to check the VA medical database for a "W. Cartsen" with plates or pins. Nick: Okay. (NICK checks out the jacket pockets and finds something. He pulls out a small matchbook shaped item.) Nick: Ugh... Sara: What do you got? (NICK holds it up for a closer look.) Nick: I don't know. I can't read an address or a phone number ... Sara: God, it reeks! Q.D. Should be able to, uh ... to bring something up. (SARA turns around and empties her stomach in the trash can behind her. She's more than a little embarrassed that it happened in front of NICK. She wipes her mouth and looks at him.) Sara: Don't tell anyone. Nick: About what? (The door to the room opens and L.V.P.D. Emergency Services HANK PEDDIGREW looks in.) Hank Peddigrew: Sara? Sara: (smiles) Hi. Hank Peddigrew: They told me out front I could find you ... here. (All of a sudden, HANK PEDDIGREW realizes what SARA is working on.) Sara: Yeah. Um ... I'll be right out. (The door closes.) Sara: Give me a mint. Nick: (laughs) You're going to need more than one. Sara: Just give me. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY OUTSIDE LAB - CONTINUOUS] (HANK PEDDIGREW waits for SARA out in the hallway taking deep breaths of fresh air. SARA comes out of the room. She smiles at HANK.) Sara: This is a nice surprise Hank Peddigrew: I wanted to see if you'd like to have dinner. Sara: Yeah. Um ... when? Hank Peddigrew: Now. I'm on break. Sara: Oh, well, I'm in the middle of that D.B. From the gully. He's still a John Doe and we don't know the circumstances ... (HANK PEDDIGREW doesn't say anything. He doesn't seem to be smiling. In fact, he doesn't seem to be breathing at all. SARA realizes what it must be.) Sara: I smell. Hank Peddigrew: No ... well ... not that bad. Sara: I changed clothes ... tho' the problem is that it's human fat reduced and it's attached itself to my follicles and my pores, so ... (Once again, HANK doesn't seem to be breathing. He shifts his weight uncomfortably.) Sara: You don't look good. Hank Peddigrew: I need to get some air. (HANK turns to leave.) Sara: Ok.. (She moves to follow. HANK turns around to stop her.) Hank Peddigrew: Uh, no, you-you stay. Uh, you've got that John Doe to worry about and, uh ... well, I can always stop by another time. Sara: (smiling) Right. (HANK peals it out of there.) Sara: (smiling) Okay. (She lifts her hand up in a wave to his retreating back.) Sara: (smiling) Bye. (He disappears down the hallway passing GREG on the way out. GREG walks past SARA and stops. He takes a step back so that he's next to SARA and says quietly: ) Greg: You smell like death. Sara: I've heard. (He takes a few steps, stops again and turns around.) Greg: You know ... a real man wouldn't mind. (GREG disappears around the corner. SARA turns to look at GREG for a moment. The then turns to stare at the empty hallway in the direction that PEDDIGREW just left.) (She sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - GROUNDS -- DAY] (Long Camera Shot of GRISSOM and JULIA BARRETT walking through the main school grounds.) Julia Barett: Have you talked to Barry's parents? Grissom: I did; they had no idea he'd been stabbed. Julia Barett: The older kids get the less they talk to their parents. Grissom: They talk to you, though, right? The guidance counselor? Who else may have had it in for Barry Schickel? (JULIA BARRETT stops.) Julia Barett: Look, he was very popular and he was a bully. So there was probably a dozen kids who wanted to see him dead. (She continues in the direction they were walking. GRISSOM follows.) Grissom: Really? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - INTERVIEW ROOM] Bram: I'd be walking by and ... he would punch me. (Flash to white.) (Flashback of BARRY SCHICKLE hitting BRAM rather hard in the head. BRAM falls to the ground. Cut to abdomen shot of students in crowd laughing. Flash to white. Resume on BRAM.) Bram: Everybody started calling me "flinch." (quietly) Even the teachers. FLASH TO WHITE: (Flashback of kid carrying school books. Someone (BARRY SCHICKLE) bumping into the kid to deliberately make them drop the books. Books falling to the ground.) Barry Schickle: Move! (Flash to white. End of Flashback. Resume on ALAN.) Alan: He was the meanest guy I've ever known. But the way he put you down, it sounded funny. If it wasn't you. [SCENE_BREAK] Dylan: He'd wait for me, every day. Lunch time, fourth period. Take my food. (Flash to white. Flashback of close-up of a plate of food on a tray on a table.) Barry Schickle: Yo! Hungry? Ha! Thanks for the sandwich. (Someone deliberately knocking over the try of food and it falls to the ground. Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume on DYLAN.) Dylan: Until I fixed him. It was about half a year ago, I went at him. Grissom: With a fork? Stabbed him above his left pectoral. Dylan: Yeah. It still didn't stop him ... I mean, today was the first day I could come to school and not feel like a moving target. Grissom: Where were you last night about 6:00? Dylan: (laughs) When BARRY was shot? (GRISSOM doesn't crack a smile.) Dylan: (stops laughing and looks down at his hands) Boxing practice. Grissom: Okay. Thanks. (DYLAN leaves.) Julia Barett: I can protect them from being called a derogatory word for homosexual or the n-word. Everything else falls under free speech. Grissom: No one's blaming you. Julia Barett: I am. Grissom: You know who did this, don't you? Julia Barett: You have no idea what these kids go through. I listen to them every day. Divorce, working parents ... cliques. And all they need is just one person to believe in them. Grissom: Yeah. But where does that leave Barry Schickel? Julia Barett: (she shrugs) That's your job. (Camera holds on GRISSOM.) HARD CUT TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM] Nick: Shut up. She was not. Warrick: I saw her in action. Nick: Really? Warrick: Yeah, she was. Nick: Catherine? (CATHERINE walks into the break room. She smiles.) Catherine: I was what? Warrick: I was just telling Nick how you were a big bully in high school. Catherine: A bully? All right, I guess I was. But, I mean, not the kind that people want to take a gun out and shoot. Warrick: No. Nick: No, no. You were the kind that guys fall all over themselves trying to impress. Catherine: (smiling) Like you, Nick, huh? (CATHERINE puts a hand on NICK'S shoulder for emphasis. Oh, yeah. NICK gets her meaning. She smiles. He moves to sit down.) Catherine: Oh, Nick ... what were you in high school? Nick: Me? I was, uh ... I was "dependable". Catherine: Dependable. Nick: Mm-Hmm .. Catherine: Dependable jock, Dependable stoner? Nick: No. Never a strap, never a smoker. Just all-around "dependable" guy, I guess. Warrick: What Nick's trying to say he was unpopular. (CATHERINE laughs.) Nick: I was popular with the right people, I can tell you that. I can also tell you what I wasn't. I wasn't a mac daddy wannabe with a Members Only jacket, putting his swerve on all the ladies. Warrick: What was wrong with those Members Only jackets? They were kind of cool back in the day. (SARA walks in and lingers at the doorway.) Sara: Hey, Nick. Ronnie's got something on Liquid Man, says it's hot. Nick: Good. (NICK gets up to leave.) Warrick: Hey, Sara. What were you in high school? Sara: Science nerd. (NICK passes SARA in the doorway and stops. He leans in a bit.) Nick: You changed ... (whispers) But you still smell. (He heads out and down the hallway, calling back to SARA: ) Nick: Let's go! Catherine: So that leaves you, Warrick. What were you? Warrick: Oh, I was short, I had big feet, thick glasses. Catherine: You? Warrick: Yeah. I got pushed around by all the guys and never got any play from the girls ... Catherine: The girls didn't even notice your eyes? Warrick: No, they used to tease me about my eyes. Called me names. Catherine: Aww ... Well, what do they know? They're your best feature. Warrick: I didn't have a best feature in high school. Looking back on it now I can say I could see both sides of it thinking about this guy Barry Schickel, and how he was shot and whichever kid did it. I'm not saying it was right, but I kind understand, you know? Catherine: Yeah. (Camera cuts to outside the break room looking in through the glass at CATHERINE and WARRICK sitting around the table talking. The camera pulls back.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - QUESTIONED DOCUMENTS -- RONNIE LITRE'S OFFICE/LAB] (Close up of the match book cover. Nothing but white on the screen.) (Camera cut to RONNIE LITRE looking through a microscope/machine and fiddling with the knobs. They are all wearing plastic goggles.) Ronnie Litre: I wanted to hold off on this matchbook until it dried out, but then I realized ... Nick: ... Human fat never dries out, it just gets waxy. Ronnie Litre: Exactly. What I'm doing is adding pixels at some points and erasing pixels at other points. (RONNIE works on the machine while SARA and NICK watch the screen. With every adjustment, more and more writing can be seen on the matchbook cover.) Ronnie Litre: Got it. Sara: (reading) "Roma ..." "Roman ... nini's..." Never heard of it. Nick: I have. Nightclub for boomers off the strip. (to RONNIE) Thanks, man. Ronnie Litre: You bet. (NICK and SARA leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY OUTSIDE Q.D. - CONTINUOUS] (NICK and SARA exit Q.D. NICK puts on his jacket.) Det. O'Riley: Hey, Stokes. Your "W. Cartsen"? Nick: Yeah? (DET. O'RILEY hands NICK a file. NICK opens it to reveal a young photograph of William Cartsen. He hands the photo to SARA.) Det. O'Riley: He's a second lieutenant William Cartsen. Served in the war, wounded in action. Got sent stateside after they put him back together. They put a pin in his spine and a plate in his head 31 years ago. Walked out of the hospital, hasn't been heard of since. (NICK closes the file.) Nick: Okay. Come with us. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (CATHERINE conducts a test using the orange spray paint. She sprays some paint onto a locker and using a stop watch, she times how long it takes for it to dry. She makes her notes on a nearby pad on a clipboard. She watches as the orange paint drips down the locker door.) (When she's through, she stops the watch and looks at it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (WARRICK takes a small sample of a white liquid from an Erlenmeyer flask and puts it in a small brown-colored bottle. He caps the bottle and puts it in a machine along with other bottles.) (He starts the machine. It picks up the bottle and starts to process it. WARRICK looks up and sees GRISSOM standing in the doorway. He's holding a large glass jar.) Warrick: What's the matter, you don't trust me? Grissom: I trust you. (The printer prints the test results. WARRICK looks at it.) Warrick: I got a boatload of chemical components here. Marijuana, bubble gum, cigars. It's like every guy's bathroom in America. Grissom: (rhetorically) What doesn't belong? (GRISSOM walks into the lab and past WARRICK. WARRICK nods his head slowly as he considers the question.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROMANINI'S -- ENTRANCE] Manager Of Romanini's: How can I help you people? Det. O'Riley: Valet guy said you're the Manager. Detective O'Riley, Las Vegas P.D. Stokes and Sidle from the Crime Lab. Manager Of Romanini's: Crime Lab? What's going on? Det. O'Riley: This man a patron of your establishment? Name's William Cartsen. (DET. O'RILEY holds out the old black and white photograph of WILLIAM CARTSEN for the manager to look at.) Manager Of Romanini's: Not that I recognize. No. Nick: Are you sure you haven't seen him around here? Wore an army jacket, might've been down on his luck? Manager Of Romanini's: Oh, you mean "Moses". Nick: Moses? Manager Of Romanini's: Yeah. Guy had a beard down to here, wore a robe, the army jacket. Stood out here scaring every patron I had. (Quick flashback to WILLIAM CARTSEN pushing a group of patrons aside. Flash to white. Close up of WILLIAM CARTSEN speaking to the group of patrons.) William Cartsen (Moses): Hey! The whole world is watching. (Flash to white. WILLIAM CARTSEN waving his arms about wildly and scaring the group of patrons.) William Cartsen (Moses): Bidi dou! Bidi dou! (Flash to white. End of Flashback. Resume present. Camera on the MANAGER OF ROMANINI'S.) Manager Of Romanini's: Guy was ruining my business. Det. O'Riley: So what'd you do? Manager Of Romanini's: I tried to reason with him. (Quick flashback to the manager holding up his hand to calm "MOSES" down.) Manager Of Romanini's: Hey! Hey, buddy, you've g t to leave my customers alone, okay? (He holds out a gambling chip for Moses. Manager Of Romanini's: Here. Cash that and move on. ("MOSES" takes the chip. Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume present on the MANAGER OF ROMANINI'S.) Manager Of Romanini's: That's the last I saw of him. Sara: When was that? Manager Of Romanini's: I don't know. About two months ago. Sara: That's funny we found his body. Coroner says he's been dead two months. Det. O'Riley: We're going to want you to take a little ride with us. Manager Of Romanini's: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (GRISSOM is along in a room. He's working on a laptop, setting up a graphic depiction of the crime scene. From the initial bullet lodged in the bathroom wall, he sets up a scenario of what happened in the bathroom at the time of the murder.) (BRASS enters the room.) Brass: I checked out those kids you talked to. None of them was even near the school when Barry Schickel was killed ... (CATHERINE enters the room.) Brass: The only one who doesn't check out is Dennis Fram. Catherine: There's a reason. I can put him at the crime scene. Jim, can you call them from the car? Brass: Sure, let's go. (BRASS leaves the room. CATHERINE turns to follow, but stops when GRISSOM asks: ) Grissom: Put him there, how? Catherine: Oh ... well. I'll explain on the way. Grissom: No, no. I'm going stay here ... with this, close to Warrick. Catherine: Okay. But you'll miss all the fireworks. (CATHERINE leaves. Camera holds on GRISSOM who goes back to work on his laptop.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FRAM'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT] Mr. Fram: I know I must sound like the typical parent, but my son had nothing to do with the death of the Schickel boy. Catherine: We've placed him at the murder. Mr. Fram: What? (CATHERINE places a photograph on the table of the spray paint smudge of the locker. The photograph also contains measurements (in cm) running across the top and down the left side.) CATHERINE Here's the fingerprint that I recovered from Dennis' locker. (She places a fingerprint card on the table.) These are Dennis' prints on file at school -- the Missing Kids Prevention Drive. There's a match. Mr. Fram: Well, his own fingerprints on his own locker that doesn't prove anything. Catherine: Proves a timeline. The alkyd particles in the victim's spray paint adhere and dry in 30 seconds. (CGI POV of orange paint being sprayed on a locker door surface. Camera moves up close to the spray to show a magnified view of the rough surface turning from a shiny orange (wet) to a hard-brownish orange (dry). Flash to white. End of CGI POV.) Catherine: Oxidation. Dennis had to have swiped the paint within seconds of Barry putting it on his locker for his print to take. Mr. Fram: Well, how do you know ... ? Catherine: The janitor. (CATHERINE places a "Las Vegas School District Graffiti Log" on the table. The log contains information regarding date, time, location and fourth column. The log page is nearly 3/4 filled.) Catherine: He keeps timed records of graffiti. Job security. And Dennis left paint on the door jamb in the bathroom where Barry was shot. (Quick flash to the orange smudge on the doorjam in the men's bathroom. Flash to white. Close-up of the orange fingerprint.) Brass: That's the timeline of the murder, Mr. Fram. We know every move your son made up until the gun. That's why we want to see your collection. You're registered as having two dozen weapons? (DENNIS begins to have a panic attack in his seat. KELSEY FRAM walks into the living room carrying a serving tray full of drinks. ) Kelsey Fram: Denny? (She notices her brother's discomfort and quickly puts the tray down on the table.) Dennis Fram: Ow ... Kelsey Fram: It's okay, it's okay. Come on. We'll fix it. (KELSEY FRAM helps DENNIS out of the room. CATHERINE gets up to follow.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] Warrick: This... does not belong in a guy's bathroom. Can we prove this? I mean there's got to be a thousand different brands of this stuff out there. Grissom: You still got that $10,000 e-nose you were using? Warrick: Oh. Now you want my tricked-out toy. Grissom: I just want the software. (WARRICK hands GRISSOM the software. GRISSOM holds it up and grins.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FRAM'S RESIDENCE - BATHROOM -- NIGHT] (KELSEY FRAM holds out a spoonful of medicine for DENNIS to swallow. CATHERINE appears in the doorway. She watches as KELSEY takes care of her brother.) Kelsey Fram: Come on, drink up. Here you go. Good. (She hands him a cold towel.) Just hold this to your face, okay? I'll be right back. (She turns around and finds CATHERINE in the doorway.) Kelsey Fram: He's got a bleeding ulcer from being bullied by Barry Schickel. (Quick Flashback to DENNIS FRAM riding his skateboard on the pavement at school. BARRY SCHICKLE hits him in the face. DENNIS goes down on the pavement. BARRY SCHICKLE looms over DENNIS.) Barry Schickle: Hey, shrimp, want to go for a ride? (Several Flashes of a crowd of students standing around and laughing. End of flashback. Resume on CATHERINE.) Kelsey Fram: You don't know how hard it was for him every morning trying to work up the courage just to go to school. (Quick flashback of DENNIS FRAM throwing up in the bathroom. In the background, KELSEY peers around the wall to see her brother suffer. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Kelsey Fram: I thought my little brother was going to kill himself. Catherine: And then someone killed Barry. Kelsey Fram: (nods) Yeah. Catherine: How tall are you? Kelsey Fram: Five-four ... with heels. Why? Catherine: No reason. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Close up of laptop screen. Camera moves to the larger wall screen hooked up to the computer. GRISSOM hits "enter". Various colored bars pop up in a single graph-like formation.) Grissom: You grabbed a top note of "floral" and now we ask the software to break it into ingredients. Do you recognize any of these? Warrick: That's all from one perfume? Grissom: Some of these perfumes have, like, 750 ingredients. (The computer beeps as it finishes the analysis. The following results screen appears on the bottom under the bar-graph: ) [CHEMICAL NAME / EUCLIDEAN DISK = > CHEMICAL COMPOUND ANALYSIS RESULTS: >>> "CHANTEUSE " <<< (BLINKING)] Grissom: "Chanteuse." Warrick: We can narrow it down to one brand? Grissom: Yeah, the original application for this program was perfume companies. You know, testing new brands stealing from the competition. (A cell phone rings interrupting the discussion. GRISSOM answers.) Grissom: (to phone) Grissom. INTERCUT WITH: [EXT. FRAM'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT] Catherine: (to phone) Grissom, we got a suspect. But it's not who you think. Grissom: (to phone) Let me guess. Denny Fram's sister? Catherine: (to phone) How did you know? Grissom: (to phone) Vapor molecules. See if you can get a warrant for her perfume and have Brass bring her in. Catherine: (to phone) Her perfume? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. OFFICE -- DAY] Brass: Let's get back to my first question, Miss Fram. Where were you the night Barry Schickel was killed? Kelsey Fram: I told you, I was out driving around. Brass: So what, your perfume just wafted into the boys' room all the way from highway 10? Kelsey Fram: Yes. I wear Chanteuse. What's that got to do with anything? My mom used to wear it and ... after her car accident I started to wear it. Warrick: Well, aromas have fingerprints. They're like a unique combination of vapor molecules that linger in the air, long after the source has gone. Grissom: We isolated a combination in the restroom where Barry Schickel was shot. It matches your perfume. Catherine: A high-end woman's perfume. It's doubtful that any other girl at the school wears it. Mr. Fram: Wait, wait, wait ... She has no reason to hurt Barry Schickel. Catherine: What about revenge for her little brother? Mr. Fram: I can't believe this. That b*st*rd Schickel dogged my family, now he's doing it from the grave. Come on, Kelsey. (to GRISSOM) You come near us again, you do it through my lawyer. (The FRAMS leave.) Catherine: Wears her dead mother's perfume. Nice touch. Grissom: Might be true. Scent triggers memory more acutely than any of the five senses. Catherine: Yeah? Well, I smell a rat in the Fram family. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM] Sara: So you didn't hurt him. You just put him in your car. Is that what you're saying? Manager Of Romanini's: Back seat. Then I drove him out of town. I left him on the side of the road, out by Red Rock. Nick: You didn't maybe zip him up in a bag because he was giving you trouble ... anything like that? Manager Of Romanini's: (Laughing) No. (SARA pulls out two photographs.) Sara: These ... are the handles from the bag that he was found in. (PHOTO 1 of the handle contains the following writing: SS#1 (PHOTO 2 has a measuring guide on it along side the handle.) Sara: You see these prints here? Nick: Can I see your right hand, sir? (NICK brings out a finger print machine. MANAGER OF ROMANINI'S starts to look nervous.) Manager Of Romanini's: Look, he was drunk. He was rolling all over my backseat. So I put him in a bag from my trunk. Once we got out of town, I just tipped him down the hill. (Flash to white. Quick flashback of body in bag rolling down the hill. flash to white. bag bouncing down the hill and landing on the bottom. Flash to white. The MANAGER OF ROMANINI'S calmly standing at the top of the hill, looking around. Flash to white. Resume to present.) Manager Of Romanini's: I figured he'd get out once he slept it off. The guy always shows up. What am I looking at? Det. O'Riley: Homicide. Manager Of Romanini's: Look, I was just doing my job. Nick: Hey ... treating another human being like garbage is not a job. It's a choice. (NICK and SARA leave the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- HALLWAY] (WARRICK, GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk down the hallway. They turn the corner and see DENNIS FRAM standing there.) Warrick: Paperwork. Later. (WARRICK leaves.) Catherine: Dennis? Dennis Fram: I need to talk to you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM] Dennis Fram: You have to understand anything my sister did was to protect me. Grissom: You said that you went back to the high school that night after target practice. Dennis Fram: I forgot a book I needed for homework. And I knew Barry had been there. (Quick flashback. DENNIS FRAM rubbing the orange paint on his locker. End of flashback. Resume on DENNIS FRAM.) Dennis Fram: I wasn't looking for him. I had to go to the bathroom. (Quick flashback to DENNIS FRAM opening the men's bathroom door. He walks into a stall and leaves behind the orange fingerprint on the stall wall. Flash to white. BARRY SCHICKLE in the same men's bathroom using the urinal and a hand holding a gun taking aim from behind. The gun fires. BARRY SCHICKLE turns around and gets hit three times. DENNIS FRAM in the next stall flinching with every gunshot. BARRY SCHICKLE falls to the floor dead. DENNIS FRAM tearing out of the bathroom stall. Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume on GRISSOM.) Dennis Fram: My dad's freaking out. My sister won't come out of her room. I figure if you can get the police to make some kind of deal for her ... Catherine: Well, Dennis, you haven't told us that you explicitly saw Kelsey shoot the victim. Dennis Fram: She was in a stall. I couldn't see her. (BRASS enters the room.) Brass: Can I, uh ... can I talk to you for a minute? Grissom: Excuse us. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE leave the room.) Brass: He copping to anything? Catherine: He says that his sister did it. Brass: I don't think so. Kelsey was "otherwise indisposed." She got a parking ticket the same time the vic was shot in an alley behind a motel off Fremont street. In fact, a lot of cars got tickets that night. (BRASS hands one parking ticket to CATHERINE and one parking ticket to GRISSOM. GRISSOM looks down at his ticket.) Grissom: Who's Jeremy Spencer? Brass: Football coach. Catherine: Oh. At a motel with the high school coach. No wonder she wouldn't talk. Brass: Well, I paid "coach" a visit. The guy's 23, just got engaged. I mean, he'll testify to anything as long as his fiancé doesn't find out. He says that Kelsey gave him a roll in the hay asked him to intercede with Barry-the-bully and get the kid to leave her little brother alone. She didn't kill anyone. Catherine: So why is he saying she did? Grissom: Do you ever smell a fart and end up blaming the wrong guy? (GRISSOM walks back into the room where DENNIS FRAM waits.) Grissom: Why do you think your sister shot Barry? Dennis Fram: Because. Grissom: Because why? Dennis Fram: 'Cause of the last time he beat me up. (Quick flashback to BARRY SCHICKLE hitting DENNIS FRAM. DENNIS throwing up in the bathroom. KELSEY telling DENNIS: ) Kelsey Fram: I'll protect you. I'll fix things so he never comes near you again. (Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume on DENNIS FRAM.) Dennis Fram: She always keeps her word. Grissom: She asked Barry's coach to help you. That was her protection plan. She was nowhere near the high school that night. Dennis Fram: I smelled her perfume. (White flash to BARRY SCHICKLE standing in the men's bathroom.) Dennis Fram: (V.O.) I saw Barry. (Cut to Camera close up of the barrel of the handgun.) Dennis Fram: (V.O.) I saw the gun. (Cut to Camera close up DENNIS FRAM taking a breath.) Dennis Fram: (V.O.) And I smelled my sister's perfume. (Cut to BARRY SCHICKLE getting shot and the sounds of three gunshots. Cut to DENNIS FRAM turning to run out of the bathroom. End of flashback.) Grissom: No. You smelled her brand of perfume. Dennis: But then, who was it? (Camera holds on GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Camera close up of a bagged bottle of Chanteuse perfume being placed on the desk top by GRISSOM.) Grissom: We recovered this from your townhouse on a warrant. Chanteuse. [INT. HIGH SCHOOL - JULIA BARRETT'S OFFICE - DAY] (GRISSOM puts a photograph of a gun on the desk.) Grissom: We also found the gun. It hasn't been cleaned. Julia Barett: Well, I don't know how to clean a gun. That was my husband's. Grissom: You know how to shoot one. Julia Barett: Do you know how many kids go to school and kill just to get relief from the bullying? You talked to them. Boxing lessons and target practice. How long before one of them came in here and opened fire on a hallway full of kids, huh? I just thought that one life was better than 20 ... or 30. Grissom: Or eleven. (GRISSOM opens a file.) Captain Brass ran a search on you. Tetrick High School, Tetrick, Arizona. Eleven kids shot a few days after Columbine. You were the Assistant Principal. Julia Barett: I watched them die at my feet. Just because some sophomore couldn't take the jokes about his glasses. Grissom: It says that you were left with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You might want to mention that to your lawyer. Julia Barett: I did this for my kids. Grissom: You know, Miss Barrett as difficult as high school can be for kids, eventually, it's over ... but too soon for Barry Schickel. (GRISSOM gathers his things and leaves the office. Two officers standing outside the door go in and arrest Ms. Barrett just as the school bell rings and the students start exiting the classrooms into the hallway.) CUT TO [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SARA'S BATHROOM] (SARA in the shower washing her hair using lemons to get rid of the smell that plagued her throughout the show.) INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI -- UNCLAIMED REMAINS VAULT] (NICK is on the top of the ladder extracting John Doe's metal box of possessions from the file.) [SCENE_BREAK] (SARA in the shower.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Close up of the "TRANSFER TO CITY CEMETERY ORDER FOR RELEASE" Form containing the following information: ) TO: Sheriff-Coroner Order for release of the body of: 2nd Lt. William Cartsen Coroner: ROBBINS Date: 09/20/01 Case # Case Reported: Date: 09/18/01 Time: 0830 Decedent Data Name: 2nd Lt. William Cartsen Date of Birth: 2/6/49 s*x: M (NICK finishes the form and places a hand on the metal box.) Nick: (quietly) Rest in peace, Lieutenant. Rest in peace. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT] (GRISSOM sits behind his desk busy filling out a purchase of requisition form with the following information: ) Mrs. Alder Phone # (826) 555-1874 Cyranose 320 $10,000 (Electronic Nose) (He puts it in an envelope to: ) FEDERAL GRANT DEPARTMENT WASHINGTON, DC 20004 (from) Las Vegas Metro Police (He begins opening his desk drawers, searching for something.) (Without a word, CATHERINE walks in, opens a container on his desk and pulls out a roll of stamps. She walks out.) (WARRICK walks by the office door and sees GRISSOM sealing the envelope. He smiles and walks away.) (Camera hold on GRISSOM'S look of satisfaction.)

Plan: A: the school bathroom; Q: Where was the student found dead? A: The CSI team; Q: Who is called to investigate the murder? A: Grissom; Q: Who is convinced that the killer is a classmate? A: sophisticated new equipment; Q: What does the CSI team use to track the scent of the killer? A: Army; Q: What branch of the military did the veteran belong to? A: a bag; Q: What was the body found in? Summary: When the class clown at the local high school is found murdered, the CSI team is called to investigate the student, who is also the top jock on campus, is found shot in the back in the school bathroom. The CSI team quickly discovers that the victim was also the class bully, and Grissom is convinced that he is looking for a classmate who was finally pushed to end the abuse once and for all. The team uses sophisticated new equipment to track the scent the killer left behind. Meanwhile, Sara and Nick investigate a case involving a severely decomposed body of an Army veteran found in a bag.

Girls washroom. The light is blue-ish. Paige enters wearing her cheerleading uniform and washes her face. She lifts her hand and sees in the mirror that Dean has appeared behind her DEAN: Hey Spirit. PAIGE: Dean, what are you doing in the girls washroom? DEAN: Thought I'd say hi. (Walks towards her) PAIGE: Ok. DEAN: Relax, we had a good time at that party, didn't we? PAIGE: Dean you... DEAN: I what? I didn't do anything. We just had a good time. PAIGE: (raising voice) You raped me. DEAN: You wanted it and don't you dare tell anyone any different. PAIGE: (Pushing him away) Get off me. Stop. (Picture begins to get wavy) Please. Stop it. Paige's bedroom. She's asleep. Her alarm goes up and she awakes with a gasp. She sighs and turns off the alarm. Outside on the sidewalk. Terri runs up to Paige. TERRI: Paige. Wait. (Has a piece of paper in her hands) Read it. (Holds out paper, so Paige can read) PAIGE: (reading) Pro-voice song writing contest. Celebrating what women have to say. Does your band have what it takes to make a splash on the music scene? TERRI: This is our chance. PAIGE: Terr, we don't have a band. PMS broke up, remember? TERRI: It's too perfect. PAIGE: (reads the sheet again) (excited) Winning band gets a demo CD and a trip to LA. TERRI: I told you. PAIGE: (still reading) To perform live for record executives. (Stops reading) This is a serious prize. It's not like winning a beach towel or movie pass. Terri, we could move to LA. (They do an excited girl giggle) Mr. Simpson's class. See computer screen where Paige is signing up PMS for the contest. PAIGE: PMS could totally win this. TERRI: With Ash we'd have a batter chance. PAIGE: Not in this band. (Bell rings) MR. SIMPSON: Have a good day gang. TERRI: We need a real singer. PAIGE: Fine. (Gets up and spins Hazel's chair around to face them) Meet Hazel Spice. New member of PMS. HAZEL: Really? (Paige nods) (Singing, not very well) Amazing grace. How sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me. PAIGE: OK, (moving out of classroom) Can we please keep it to a dull roar? HAZEL: I've been taking voice for three years now. You won't regret this. TERRI: And we can use my English poetry lyrics. Ms. Kwan's room. Terri's standing up, reading her poem. TERRI: I pray at night, you'll see the light. You'll come and hold me, till everything's all right. I wish I knew, just what to do, to make this secret wish come true. SPINNER: (quietly to Jimmy) Cuz my poem smells like poo. (Jimmy laughs) MS. KWAN: Guys. Thanks Terri. (Teri smiles and sits down) TERRI: What'd you think? PAIGE: It was sweet, in a rhyming dictionary sort of way. MS. KWAN: Ashley, you ok to go next? ASHLEY: (standing up, begins to read) It happens to other people. You say how said, you say poor thing But when it's you it's something else. It's everything. It started with something minor, went from there to something worse. (looks up at Jimmy) The friends you loved and thought you knew, just disappeared. (Jimmy looks up at her) It felt so weird. (Paige and Terri look at her) Half blessing, half curse. It happens to other people. You say how sad, you say poor thing. (Sits down). Mr. Simpson's class. Sean is doing a PowerPoint presentation. SEAN: When Gottlieb Daimler died in 1900, he had no idea how far or how fast the Boneshaker motorcycle he invented would take us. Thanks. (Sits back down and students clap a bit) MR. SIMPSON: Good edition to our biography file. Uh, we have time for one more... Liberty. (Liberty gets up and prepares to do her presentation.) JT: I have something done on time for once, and we run out of time. Typical. TOBY: Typical is your project. JT: Mr. Simpson said we could do our project on anyone we wanted. TOBY: Anyone appropriate. Something tell me Hugh Hefner doesn't count. JT: As my quest for a woman goes on, name me a better role model. (In background, Liberty puts on a backwards hat) TOBY: Just go for Liberty already. JT turns around and looks at Liberty, who is bending over, grabbing something from a bag. He makes a fake shivering noise. TOBY: (in background, Liberty puts on wild print shirt) That's not how she feels about you. In fact, she finds you fascinating. Just wait and see. JT: Ok. Now you're scaring me. LIBERTY: Fellow students. (Blows a kazoo) My hero isn't from the history books. He'll be famous later. The next Jim Carey. (Pic of JT in a funny hat comes up on screen and the class laughs) LIBERTY: Yuck it up, Tobester. I'm JT Yorke, here to talk about my favorite subject, myself. (Pic changes to young JT on a rocking horse) You're gonna love it cuz it don't get any cooler than Yokeman: The Early years. (More laughs) From the very beginning, I was a real urban cowboy. (Pic changes to JT in a powder blue suit.) JT: You gave her my photo album? TOBY: (fake innocent) Mio? LIBERTY: They call me the terminator. (Pic of JT in speedo, inner tube and arm floaties and another of him in just a Speedo in a model pose. Even more laughing. Another on of him in Speedo and equipment, doing a body builder pose) Hallway. A group of people are laughing. EMMA: The shot of him in the headgear, I thought I was going to lose it. JT: (walking up) It wasn't that funny. TOBY: Trust me, it was. JT: Imitation is the lowest form of humor. LIBERTY: It wasn't an imitation. It was an homage. A tribute. JT: You want a tribute? (Clears throat) (In girly voice) You take that back. I do to have friends. Ten textbooks, a thousand stuffed animals. Oh, and sometimes, my parents even like me. (Liberty walks away, partially running into JT) EMMA: (Walking and running into him) Loser. MANNY: (doing the same) Freak. JT: Jeez. (Shakes head) (Bell rings) Music room. Hazel is doing scales, not very well. PAIGE: Hazel. (Hazel stops. Paige is holding a guitar) Must you? TERRI: (Coming in, wearing her PMS outfit from Season one, when they did lunchtime cabaret.) Sorry I'm late. I wanted to get in the mood. PAIGE: You wore that last year. And cheesy pop chicks are over. Why do you have to be so out of touch? TERRI: (Strapping on bass) Why do you have to be so mean? PAIGE: I'm not mean. I'm right. So, new wardrobe please. TERRI: (taking off sunglasses) No. PAIGE: Pardon? TERRI: What didn't you get? I said no. HAZEL: Terri. TERRI: Paige doesn't understand that word. Never has. PAIGE: You better stop right there. HAZEL: Ok, Paige. Look, we want to win, so let's just rehearse, ok? (Looks at Paige) Paige? (Looks at Terri) terr? (Paige turns on backbeat on keyboard. Terri starts playing bass) HAZEL: (singing loudly and poorly) I wish I knew Just what to do, yeah. To make this secret wish come true. (Paige takes off guitar) Paige? What are you doing? PAIGE: This isn't working. (Terri stops playing and Paige walks out of room. Terri shrugs) Outside Ashley's house. Paige walks up to door. Can hear Ashley playing piano and singing inside. Paige knocks on door and Ashley answers it. ASHLEY: What are you doing here? Inside Ashley's house. Ashley is sitting on piano bench. ASHLEY: I can't believe you're even asking. PAIGE: We need you. It's embarrassing. ASHLEY: (sarcastically) On no. can't let this happen. Poor Paige. PAIGE: Your poem was great. It's about something real and it made me think. ASHLEY: It doesn't matter. It's gonna be just like last year. PAIGE: It won't. I promise. ASHLEY: (sighs) I wanted to take it seriously, but you guys wouldn't. PAIGE: We cheesed out. But this time we need to sing about real stuff. ASHLEY: Like what? PAIGE: Like how it feels when you're dumped. Or, like... abuse. Pain. Feeling sad. Whatever you want. Just so long as it means something. ASHLEY: This doesn't sound like Paige. PAIGE: Without you, we don't have chance. ASHLEY: (turns around and plays something on piano) Do you seriously think we have a chance? PAIGE: You know what? I do. (Ashley turns around, smiles and gives a nod) Music room. Ashley is there, playing something on the keyboard. There are papers on the keyboard as well. Paige, Terri, and Hazel come in. PAIGE: We have lyrics? ASHLEY: Just finished them this morning. (Grabs papers and walks over to them and gives them each a sheet) And I printed out copies for each of you in media immersion. PAIGE: Sneaky girl. (Begins to read) ASHLEY: The melody's the same, but the words are way more powerful now. HAZEL: It's kind of heavy. ASHLEY: Well, yeah, I mean, it's about rape. Paige said last night, let's make it real. My poem was ok, but I did some research online. PAIGE: You took my body and tore it in half? This really isn't working for me. ASHLEY: But the stories are incredible. From girls our age. You wouldn't believe some of the things I read. PAIGE: Let's use the original lyrics, ok? ASHLEY: But this is way more interesting. TERRI: I agree. PAIGE: (raising voice a bit) Well, I don't really care. I like the original version better. (Puts on guitar. Ashley storms over to keyboard and turns on backbeat.) Hallway. Liberty, Emma, and Manny are walking, looking at paintings. LIBERTY: Your painting is masterful. MANNY: It took ages to mix that many shades of pink. LIBERTY: Well worth it. I'd like to work on my artsy side. JT: (at locker) But that might distract you from being, you know, deebo supreme EMMA: can't you just lay off? (Girls start to walk away) JT: Oh, Liberty can dish it out, but she can't take it. LIBERTY: (turning around and raising voice) I didn't dish and I'm not a geek, JT Dork JT: Oh, them's fightin' words. LIBERTY: You want fighting words? Ok, sucky baby. Poor sport. JT: Priss face. Goody-to-shoes. LIBERTY: You don't even know me. You don't know one true thing about me. JT: You want one true thing? You're boring. B-O-R-I-N-G. (Has red permanent marker in hand and points with it for every letter) LIBERTY: Stunned. JT spelled a word. JT: You want another one? Fun. F-U-N. Something you wouldn't know if it came up and bit you on the butt. LIBERTY: (grabs marker and writes a big A in a circle on JT's locker) Fun enough for you? (Throws marker on floor and walks away. JT tries to wipe it off with his hand but has no luck) [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Simpson's room. Paige is the only one there. She's sitting down and reading Ashley's lyrics, a single tear running down her cheek. ASHLEY: (coming in room) You wanna win, right? PAIGE: Not with those lyrics. You've written- ASHLEY: I wrote exactly what we talked about. Something real. This is just like last year. PAIGE: Give it up Ashley, ok? ASHLEY: Tell me what's wrong with the new lyrics and I will. PAIGE: (standing up. People are starting to filter in) Singing a song about rape will not win the contest. ASHLEY: I thought we had an agreement. PAIGE: (yelling) I said something real. Not something you got off the internet and don't know anything about. ASHLEY: I'm allowed to imagine. PAIGE: No, you're not! (The whole class is looking at them, including Mr Simpson.) (Quietly) After school in the music room. Bring the right lyrics. (Ashley walks away and Paige sits down.) Hallway. JT is running to catch up with Liberty. JT: Liberty, how could you do that? LIBERTY: Go away, little man. JT: You wrote graffiti on my locker. LIBERTY: I'm on fire. JT: You're on something. LIBERTY: No stranger to danger, my friend. I laugh at authority. (She's now in the doorway to Ms. Kwan's class) MR. RADITCH: Mr. Yorke. (Walking up to them) Hold it. Do you have anything to say? JT: About? MR. RADITCH: About that little piece of art people say they saw you creating. (in the doorway, Liberty is smiling) JT: It wasn't me. I didn't do it. (Mr. Raditch grabs JT'S hand, which has ink on it) Mr. Raditch, I was, I was, trying to erase it. (Mr. Raditch drags JT down the hall) I didn't put it on there MS. KWAN: Come on in. Take a seat. (Liberty sits down while Ms. Kwan closes the door) Ok, back to Lord of the Flies TOBY: (whispering) Hey, have you seen JT? LIBERTY: I think your little friend is in the office, with Mr. Raditch. TOBY: That's it. LIBERTY: What do you mean? TOBY: They'll call his mom. And JT's mom... LIBERTY: What? TOBY: Battleaxe. Threatened to send him to private school if he got in trouble with Raditch again. I hope you said good-bye. Music room. Paige, Terri, and Ashley are practicing. ASHLEY: (singing) It happens to other people. You say how, you say poor thing. But when it's you it's different. It's everything. (Hazel walks in) The friends you loved and thought you knew, just disappeared (Hazel holds up sign that says "I can't sing" They stop playing) PAIGE: Hun, you're not that bad. (Hazel turns sign over. It says "polyps") TERRI: (trying to read) po-lipe-sis? HAZEL: (in soft, strained voice) Polyps. Over practice. TERRI: But we go on tomorrow. PAIGE: Ash, you're singing the solo. ASHLEY: Awesome. Sorry Hazel. (Hazel grabs tambourine) One, two, three, four. (Start playing again) You took my body and tore it in half. You took my childhood, my heart and my laugh. (Paige strums guitar, not playing a real chord. Everyone stops playing) PAIGE: (yelling) How many times do I have to say it? We're not using those lyrics. (Takes off guitar) ASHLEY: Paige, if i'm singing, then those are the lyrics I'll perform. PAIGE: I can't believe I wanted you back in this band. (Walks off, taking lyrics off keyboard, crunching them, and throwing them on the floor.) Hallway. Paige opens her locker and Ashley comes out to talk to her. ASHLEY: The song is stronger. Anyone with half an emotion would know that. PAIGE: What do you know about rape? ASHLEY: I researched it. I know a lot more about it than you do. (Paige slams locker and sits on ground, crying) Paige? PAIGE: Just leave me alone. ASHLEY: (Sitting down) I, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. (Puts her hand on Paige's.) PAIGE: Nobody knows. Just hazel. I keep trying to forget, but i can't. He's in my nightmares. ASHLEY: Have you been to a doctor? PAIGE: He wore a condom. Very thoughtful, huh? ASHLEY: What about a councilor? PAIGE: I can't, ok? I just, I can't. And I can't play that song. I know it's about a virgin but... (Puts head on Ashley's shoulder) ASHLEY: It's ok. We'll play the other one tomorrow. It's ok. It's gonna be ok, Paige. Hallway Mr. Raditch is holding a jar of soapy water and a toothbrush, which he hands to JT. MR. RADITCH: The custodial staff have requested that you leave a streak free shine. I couldn't reach your mother, but when this is clean, we'll call again. LIBERTY: (running up) I did it. I'm a vandal. MR. RADITCH: This is no time to be covering for Mr. Yorke LIBERTY: I'm not covering. It was a bad thing to do. (Looking at JT) It wasn't boring, but it was pretty stupid. MR. RADITCH: And you did this? (Liberty nods) Why? LIBERTY: I was acting on impulse, Sir (JT smiles) JT: I told you I didn't do it. (Hands brush and water to Liberty.) LIBERTY: It was truant, rebellious, misdirected- MR. RADITCH: Ok, Mr. Yorke, you are free to go. (He and JT walk away and Liberty starts to clean) Backstage at the Pro-Voice contest. Paige is looking at herself in a mirror. ASHLEY: You look totally gorgeous. You ok? PAIGE: yeah, I promise. TERRI: (holding bass) I am so nervous. PAIGE: (picking up guitar) Don't sweat it. We'll be fine. ASHLEY: No, we'll be great. Original lyrics and all. ANNOUNCER: Our next band is a group from Degrassi. Give it up for PMS. (Hear applause) TERRI: (girls do handshake) Let's go do it. (Girls go on stage.) ASHLEY: (Paige and Terri are plugging into the amps on stage) Alright. We are PMS and this is Poor Thing. (Turns on backbeat. Hazel and Terri start playing. Paige strums and turns around and heads over to mic. She sees Dean in the audience. He smiles and nods to say hello. Paige backs up. Hazel and Terri stop playing. Paige turns around to face Ashley) ASHLEY: (moving her mike) What's going on? PAIGE: He's here. ASHLEY: Who? PAIGE: Him. I can't. (Looks to Dean who smiles and nods again.) It, it happens to other people. You say how sad, you say poor thing. (Turns to face audience and starts walking to mike) But when it's you it's something else. It's everything. (Plays chord and looks at Dean) You'll never know the nightmares. (Plays chord) Never know the pain you caused. (Plays more) You'll never see the scars you left. (Dean looks mad and the other girls come in) The things you stole. Everything was lost. (Dean stands up. Others sing when needed, otherwise it's just Paige) You took my body. Tore it in half. (Dean looks at Paige, then walks out. Paige keeps her eyes on him until he's gone) You took my childhood, my heart, and my laugh. You took everything I kept for myself. Then you're gone. I'm not your poor thing. You took my body. Tore it in half. You took my childhood, my heart, and my laugh. (In audience, Ellie is smiling) You took everything I kept for myself. Then you're gone. I'm not your poor thing. School hallway. JT's sitting on a bench. He throws something at a garbage can, but misses. LIBERTY: (appearing with a broom and dustpan) Pick it up liter bug. JT: What are you doing? LIBERTY: (cleaning) AM and PM liter duty. A whole week of it. JT: Raditch threw the book at you, huh? LIBERTY: Totally. He even called my parents. But JT, (Sits down next to him) thanks for sticking up for me JT: Whatever. LIBERTY: I think I might also owe you an apology. JT: Nah, you fessed up. That was cool. LIBERTY: Did JT Yorke just call me cool? JT: Don't let it go to your head. See ya around, rebel. (Puts face close to hers, then gets up and starts walking away. He turns to look at her again, and winks, then starts walking again and shakes his head) Different part of hallway. Paige, Terri, Hazel and Ashley are laughing. HAZEL: I guess those California beach boys will have to wait. ASHLEY: LA's really not that great. It's all like, mini malls and freeways. ELLIE: (catches up and puts arms around Paige and Ashley) You were robbed. I can't believe you only got an honorable mention. PAIGE: Seriously? You liked it? ELLIE: (nodding) Paige, you were awesome. Truly. ASHLEY: But she was right though. A song about rape will never come in first. PAIGE: Especially not when I'm singing it. (They laugh. Paige and Ashley stop while the others walk on. They're outside the guidance office.) ASHLEY: So, you ok? PAIGE: I'm ready to talk at least. Well, as ready as I'll ever be. (Paige opens door and starts to go in)

Plan: A: Paige; Q: Who struggles to come to terms with her recent sexual assault? A: Ashley; Q: Who writes a song about rape? A: a contest; Q: What is PMS preparing for? A: J.T.; Q: Who does Liberty want to prove she isn't boring to? Summary: Paige struggles to come to terms with her recent sexual assault after Ashley writes a song about rape for PMS to perform on stage for a contest. Meanwhile, Liberty acts out in an attempt to show J.T. she isn't as boring as he thinks she is.

Opening shots and series recap. JACK : (VO) Torchwood : outside the government, beyond the police. Tracking down alien life on Earth and arming the human race against the future. The 21st century is when everything changes, and you've gotta be ready. EXT. AN ALLEY - DAY Gwen and Owen run out of a narrow street and into a wider road. Toshiko speaks to them through their earpieces, directing them towards an alien artifact which has been identified. TOSHIKO : (over com) Owen, Gwen. Left into the alley, right, 30 meters. GWEN : What is it ? What can you see ? INTERCUT WITH : Toshiko in the hub, a map on the computer screen in front of her showing the positions of Gwen and Owen and Jack relative to the alien object. INTERCUT WITH : Overview of the Torchwood SUV. TOSHIKO : Jack. Sharp right, 20 meters. JACK : (over com) Can you identify the target ? TOSHIKO : No, still trying to get a visual. 20 seconds contact. INTERCUT WITH : Gwen and Owen run through crowded streets in Cardiff, CCTV footage. TOSHIKO : 15 seconds. JACK : (Over com) No heroics ! We got no idea what we're dealing with. TOSHIKO : 10 seconds. EXT. A STREET - CONCURRENT The SUV squeals to an abrupt halt and Jack exit's the vehicle. TOSHIKO : Got it ! Got a visual; suspect's male, wearing a hoodie. INT. A SHOPPING ARCADE - CONCURRENT The suspect runs through the shopping arcade followed by Gwen and Owen. TOSHIKO : Go Gwen ! SECURITY : Oi ! The suspect runs under a closing shutter, Gwen just manages to roll under before it shuts in front of Owen and Jack. Jack turns to the security guard operating the shutter. JACK : Come on, open it up. Open it up ! SECURITY : Alright, alright The shutter begins to open and Jack and Owen run through as soon as they are able and chase after the suspect and Gwen. INT. TRAIN STATION ENTRANCE - CONSECUTIVE The suspect jumps over a ticket barrier closely followed by Gwen. Two train station workers stand near by but take no action to stop them from jumping the barriers, but instead shout after Gwen. STAFF 1 : What's he done ? STAFF 2 : Musta done something ! STAFF 1 : Get him ! The suspect runs down a tunnel in the train station. He pushes past people and as he does so he looses his balance slightly and slows. Gwen grabs his arms and tried to hold him. The suspect wriggles out of his jack and escapes, leaving Gwen standing at the train station exit holding only his coat. GWEN : Damn ! TOSHIKO : He's there, you did it ! GWEN : I was that close... TOSHIKO : No. You got it. GWEN : I've lost him Tosh. I lost him. TOSHIKO : I swear. Whatever it is, you're holding it. Gwen looks at the coat and goes to check the pockets. TOSHIKO : Let me check my... Gwen pulls a small alien device out of the pocket and holds it in both hands, staring at it. She pushes the central button and the scene flickers and changes. EXT. TRAIN STATION - NIGHT Gwen stands in the same place. The people have disappeared and it is dark. Gwen looks around, fearful. She hears a steam train and turns to see a young boy exit the train station to her right. He wears short trousers and a hat and holds a teddy bear and a small suitcase. He has a name tag attached to his blazer. GWEN : Hello... Who are you ? The boy looks towards her and walks closer. GWEN : Can you hear me ? TOM : (echoing voice) I want to go home. Gwen sees the name on his tag. TOM : No one knows who I am here. I'm lost. Tom backing slowly away from Gwen. GWEN : (with trepidation) Come back... come back. The boy continues to walk away, back the way he entered. He fades away. Gwen looks down at the alien device in her hand and presses the button. She re-appears at the station - modern day. Jack runs to her, closely followed by Owen. JACK : Sorry, that damn gate cut us off... Jack notices that Gwen looks upset. JACK : Gwen ? Are you alright ? GWEN : I've just seen a ghost. OPENING TITLES INT. THE HUB Toshiko works at her station. Jack stands behind her, watching her computer screen. The rest of the team are in the hub nearby but out of shot. TOSHIKO : This is the feed from the station camera. Jack steps forward and picks up the ghost machine from Toshiko's desk, the moves away. Toshiko continues describing the CCTV footage. TOSHIKO : Gwen grabs the kid, she's got his jacket and he just slips out. Focus on JACK who moves near to GWEN on the balcony. JACK : (to Gwen) You okay with this ? Gwen nods that she is fine and they listen to Toshiko's commentary. TOSHIKO : and then... Toshiko shakes her head in confusion at the footage. TOSHIKO : Jack and Owen arrive. Then, nothing. Toshiko turns to look at Jack and Gwen who are standing behind her looking away. Ianto walks up the stairway and enters shot. He holds a tray of mugs. They take drinks and Toshiko continues. TOSHIKO : Sorry... GWEN : No, it was as real as this is... more real. I didn't just see that little boy, I could, I could... hear what he was thinking I could feel it. Like I was lost. Show Owen who is below Gwen and Jack. OWEN : Tense emotion can be part of a neurological event. Hallucinations, dementia... GWEN : I wasn't hallucinating, Owen and I'm not bloody senile ! Jack ignores them and continues inspecting the ghost machine, holding it in both hands. JACK : You pushed this button then that's what caused this apparition moment ? GWEN : Yeah. Jack goes to push the button in the centre of the ghost machine. The others all call his name and tell him not to use the machine. They clearly all believe he will push the button. Jack holds his hands out in response, surprised that they believe he would use the machine. JACK : As if ! GWEN : that's how it felt. Like an apparition. A ghost. JACK : Toshiko, where do we start ? TOSHIKO : The guy you were chasing, I've got loads of CCTV so tracking him down is gonna be easy. The little boy, you said there was a name on the card around his neck... GWEN : Flannigan. Tom Erasmus Flannigan. JACK : Unusual name, that'll help. Run a full check; births, marriages, deaths... criminal record, passports. However long it takes, wherever he is, we'll find him. OWEN : Found it ! Flannigan, Thomas Erasmus 74 Veneron Terrace, Bute. Owen closes a telephone directory and holds it up to the others. OWEN : He's in the phone book. Jack, Gwen and Toshiko do not respond but look a little deflated. EXT. A FRONT DOOR IN THE SUBURBS - DAY Shot shows a front door with the number '74'. Shot widens to Gwen knocking on the door. The door is opened by a lady. Turn to lady's POV to reveal Gwen standing on the doorstep beside Owen. GWEN : Hi, I'm DI Cooper this is PC Harper. Could you spare a few minutes please ? ELERI : Yeah, okay. The lady leads them into a cosy living room. An elderly, but healthy looking man sits in an arm chair at the far side of the room. ELERI : Dad visitors, from the police. TOM : Oh, caught up with me at last have ya ? He is smiling, a happy gentleman who knows he is not really in any trouble. Gwen responds in kind, keeping the tone light. GWEN : I'm Gwen, this is Owen, he's training. It's just routine. We're looking for eyewitnesses to an incident at the railway station last night. ELERI : We were here, weren't we dad ? Strictly Come Dancing finals... that newsreader. OWEN : Ohh, she's got legs up to 'er arm pits ain't she ? TOM : Would you like a cup of tea ? GWEN : I'd love one thanks. The lady stands and begins to leave the room to make tea. GWEN : Owen will give you a hand. ELERI : This way. TOM : She'll talk him to death that lad. Gwen chuckles and sits down in the armchair next to Tom, now vacated by his daughter. GWEN : He gives as good as he gets. TOM : She's right though. We were in all last night, we wouldn't have seen anything. Gwen searches her bag in her lap and pulls out a notebook GWEN : Just for the record, you are Tom Erasmus Flannigan ? TOM : My father was an Erasmus, his father before 'im. GWEN : Now that's not a Welsh accent is it ? She smiles at him and Tom laughs. TOM : No, lived 'ere 66 years an' still sound like a barra' boy. I was evacuated during the war, 1941. The Germans bombing the hell out of the East End. GWEN : Cardiff was being bombed as well as London, wasn't it ? TOM : We were taken out to the countryside from here. My mother packed me a suitcase... INTERCUT TOM'S REMINISCENCE WITH : Flashback's of the same scene Gwen saw of the train station. During flashback shots Tom in VO. TOM : Big sister wrote my name on a card an' they put me on the train at Paddington. Kept saying I had to go, to be a good boy. Tellin' me not to cry, and there was the pair of "em cryin" their eyes out... Tom pauses and is a little saddened, but not upset by the memory, the pain has been weakened with time. TOM : That was the last I saw of them, though I didn't know that then of course, waving goodbye... GWEN : How old were you ? TOM : 8 GWEN : You must have been very, very frightened... TOM : I didn't know a soul here. There was a mix up, I'd kept my head down so much, they forgot all about me, so they left me all on my own. Felt like the end of the world. I wandered down this tunnel totally lost. Forgotten. Looking for someone, anyone who'd look after me. 'Why don't they come for me?' I kept thinkin' 'no one knows me, I'm lost'. They worked it out in the end, they came back for me. An' I got taken in by a lovely couple, no kids of their own. And well, end of the war, I'd no one left in London so I stayed 'ere. I'm still 'ere now... just. EXT. TOM'S HOUSE - DAY Gwen and Owen leave the house and walk towards the SUV. GWEN : Don't get it. He was the boy at the station. OWEN : Can't comment, I was stuck in the kitchen with motor mouth thanks to you. GWEN : So what I saw was just a bit of him from years before, sort of, hanging around ? A phone rings, Gwen picks it from her pocket and answers. Owen sighs at her annoyed and gets into the car to wait. GWEN : Hi. RHYS : (over phone) Hiya Gwen. Er, I'm just puttin' a wash on. INTERCUT WITH : INT. GWEN'S KITCHEN - CONCURRENT Rhys stands with a pile of clothes on the floor in front of the washing machine. RHYS : Got any whites need doin'. GWEN : Er, I dunno. Just leave it, I'll sort it out. RHYS : Oh, no. It's no trouble, just remind me erm, which drawer do the tablets go in ? GWEN : Just leave it. RHYS : Okay, so are you in or out tonight ? GWEN : I dunno. RHYS : Again ! GWEN : I'm sorry ? RHYS : All I'm askin', are you in or out tonight ? GWEN : I don't know. RHYS : Gwen, I can't live with all this secret squirrel stuff, can't you tell me if yer comin' home ? GWEN : Well naggin' isn't helping. RHYS : Right... well that's me told. GWEN : Ah Rhys... RHYS : I'm not stayin' in on the off chance, Dav's havin' mates round tonight, I'll stay at 'is. Owen honks the horn of the SUV a few times in frustration. Gwen looks at him and returns to her call but Rhys has hung up. GWEN : Hello ? She gets into the SUV. Owen sighs at her and starts the engine, impatient. GWEN : Alright. INT. THE HUB Jack types at a computer, he zooms in on a picture of Bernie. The others work nearby. JACK : Our friend with the alien machine in his pocket is one Sean Harris, AKA Bernie. GWEN : And what he's doing with an alien machine is anyone's guess. 19 years old, string of convictions, burglary, shoplifting, credit cards... IANTO : Do warn me if he's droppin' in. TOSHIKO : Successful conviction. He was steeling tyres off a car when the owner turns up, gives him so much grief he apologises, starts putting them back on again which is when the police show up. And here, shoplifting, conviction, bottle of vodka and 3 pot noodles. OWEN : (playing an arcade game) Criminal mastermind... Got anywhere with that, er, mystery object ? JACK : Alien of course, gorgeous nano technology, makes NASA look like Toys r' Us. OWEN : Ah, well you've really narrowed things down 'aven't ya ? The ghost machine is being scanned by a machine similar to a CAT scanner; Gwen takes it from the machine. GWEN : At the station I was doin' this but when I held it, it lit up and went mad. OWEN : Not doin' it now is it ? GWEN : No. TOSHIKO : So, what next ? JACK : This kid, Bernie, where does he live ? TOSHIKO : Splott. OWEN : Splott ? IANTO : I believe estate agents pronounce it Splo. EXT. A DOOR - DAY Toshiko knocks on a door. An unkempt woman smoking a cigarette answers and looks at them unimpressed. Gwen stands behind Toshiko a little distance away. TOSHIKO : Hi. I'm looking for Bernie, he in ? BERNIE'S MUM : Friend of his are ya ? TOSHIKO : Yeah, I'm from... BERNIE'S MUM : I'm his mother, he's a robbin' little b*st*rd, he ain't settin' foot in this house 'til he pays me the 50 quid he owes me. Bernie's mum slams the door. INT. A PUB Shot of a man playing snooker. SNOOKER PLAYER : He's bad. INT. AN ARCADE Shot of a teenage boy. KID IN ARCADE : Said he'd give me an ipod an' he never. And he smoked my fags. INT. A SHOP. Shot of a young woman. WOMAN IN SHOP : Wouldn't piss on 'im if he was on fire. EXT. GRASS NEXT TO A CANAL - DAY Toshiko and Gwen lean on a tall brick structure, Owen walks towards them carrying paper wrapped food. GWEN : Bernie Harris, the Scarlet Pimpernel of Splott. TOSHIKO : Tell me about it, give me aliens any day. She turns to Owen as he leans next to them. TOSHIKO : Any luck ? OWEN : No. I got 4 pasties for a pound. Anyone ? Jack approaches them, hands thrust in his pockets. GWEN : If I wanted days like this I'da stayed in the police. TOSHIKO : We did try, Jack. Owen offers Jack a pasty. Jack looks annoyed, sighs and walks off. The others follow him alongside the canal and under a wide bridge. OWEN : What's he gonna tell us ? Got it off an alien down the market ? GWEN : Where are we going ? Owen throws the paper bag from his pasties on the floor, lagging behind the others. JACK : Back to the railway station, perform an experiment. We replicate the original event as far as possible, observe and analyse the results. GWEN : What I have to do that again ? JACK : Someone has. Any volunteers ? Jack throws the ghost machine to Owen. OWEN : Wowh. GWEN : We don't know what it is, what it does... JACK : No. GWEN : Jack, this could be dangerous. JACK : Yeah. Owen pauses and looks at the ghost machine. OWEN : Er, I don't mean to be picky but I think I can spot some flaws in this plan... JACK : I'm sorry. I thought you were the guys who gave up looking for a 19 year old kid this morning. I figured maybe you were after something more exciting, bit of a challenge. OWEN : This door to door stuff never gets us anywhere. Owen looks at the ghost machine again, it is lighting up. OWEN : Guys ! Come 'ere ! They continue walking, leaving Owen standing under the bridge. TOSHIKO : Owen... Owen. OWEN : Wait ! Owen pushes the central button on the ghost machine. The scene shimmers and changes to: EXT. THE CANAL BRIDGE - NIGHT It is a rainy night, very quiet. A girl staggers under the bridge, the opposite end to Owen. She is crying, leaning on the wall as she walks along, she keeps looking over her shoulder. She stops and leans against the wall, taking a compact from her bag. She starts talking, she faces Owen but is talking to herself, she cannot see him. LIZZIE : He's a rotten b*st*rd ! My mom was right, his eyes are too close together ! I said it's just a dance, but he wants to go further with it. I shouldn't have gone outside with him. OWEN : What's your name ? A man enters, he has been following Lizzie. He calls out to her. Searching. ED : Lizzie ! Lizzie Lewis. Lizzie looks towards Ed, afraid but she does not move. Ed walks towards her slowly. LIZZIE : You're a bad one Ed Morgan. The girls said not to go with you and they were right. ED : Am I bad ? Am I a bad boy ? You're a big girl now Lizzie... Lizzie begins to back away as Ed approaches, nervous. ED : ...can make your own decisions. It's why I like you... Lizzie starts to hang on his compliments, he is winning her over and he stands close. ED : You're not like the others, don't follow the herd. You're smart. Don't you like it that someone can see how smart you are ? Huum ? I can see you Lizzie, the way you really are. Ed takes her cheeks in his palms and kisses her, she does not resist at first. Then as he becomes more forceful she tries to push him away. He slaps her across the face and she screams. Ed grabs her hair and pulls out a small pocket knife, holds it across her cheek. ED : I won't hurt you, don't. LIZZIE : (sobbing) I told my mum I'd be home by 9. ED : Ssshh ! Ed pushes Lizzie against the bridge wall, Lizzie sobbing and crying out. LIZZIE : Please ! Help me ! Help me ! The scene shimmers again and cuts back to : EXT. CANAL BRIDGE - DAY Owen gasps back in the present. Gwen runs towards him, Jack and Toshiko slowly following her. GWEN : Owen, are you alright ? OWEN : (gasping for breath) She was so scarred. I couldn't, I couldn't move... I couldn't help, I couldn't help. Gwen takes the ghost machine gently from Owen, Owen gasps again and starts to sob. INT. THE HUB The Torchwood team sit around discussing the situation. JACK : The first time it happens to Gwen. A boy at the railway station. GWEN : Who's now in his 70's alive and well and living in Bute Town. Second time happens to Owen. Like me he didn't just see it, you felt emotions that weren't yours. OWEN : (nodding) She was terrified. JACK : The victim's name was Lizzie, it was maybe 40, 45 years ago. Toshiko, do we know anything about her yet ? Toshiko reads from her computer screen which shows a black and white picture of Lizzie and scrolling writing. TOSHIKO : Elizabeth Lewis, Lizzie. Only child of Mabel Ann Lewis of Haffle Street. Died March 29th 1963. Raped and murdered on Pembroke Street, under the bridge, 17 years old. OWEN : He killed 'er. TOSHIKO : No one was brought to trial. OWEN : Told 'er mum she'd be home by 9... so what about Ed Morgan ? That's what she called 'im, you're a bad one Ed Morgan. Look it up. TOSHIKO : Kind of a common name. GWEN : What's the connection, where did they come from ? It's like being haunted. Jack looks at the computer screen showing the scan results of the ghost machine, excited by the results. JACK : Quantum transducer ! Look, look ! Toshiko joins him, equally excited. TOSHIKO : Wow ! I'd kill to get one of those ! Transducers convert energy from one form into another, they're in headphones. They convert electrical signals into sound and they're in this device too, converting quantum energy and amplifying it... GWEN : ...into ghosts. JACK : Of course, it's emotion. Human emotion is energy. You can't always see it, or hear it, but you can feel it. Ever had deja vu ? Someone walk over your grave ? Ever felt someone behind you in an empty room ? Well there was, there always is. GWEN : A ghost. Jack nods and Toshiko seems spooked. Owen is ignoring them, flicking through a file, thinking only of Lizzie rather than the alien object. OWEN : What else have we got on Lizzie Lewis ? What else have we got ? TOSHIKO : Erm... She returns to her computer to check. TOSHIKO : 1963 the records aren't always that detailed... OWEN : What about newspapers, witness statements, coroner's reports ? JACK: Owen ! Jack becoming increasingly irritated by Owen's tenacity with the subject. TOSHIKO : What do you want me to find exactly ? OWEN : Well there must be somethin'. JACK : For the case to be re-opened you'd need new evidence or a new witness. OWEN : I saw it happen... JACK : No you didn't ! You weren't there ! You saw the echo of a moment amplified by alien technology. So just tell me how that'll play in Court. OWEN : Since when did we care about Court ? JACK : Tomorrow we go lookin' for Bernie Harris and we find out what he knows about this ghost machine. We do our job and find where this thing came from. Now go home. Jack walks away, angrily dismissing Owen. JACK : Gwen, with me ! Gwen looks at Owen sympathetically then follows Jack. Owen gathers his files to leave. INT. THE HUB - SHOOTING RANGE Jack is loading a gun. A row of sidearms lies on the table in front of him, he checks each one. Gwen peers around the door and then enters. GWEN : Jack ? Wowh ! POV GWEN. A long tunnel extends away into darkness, an underground railway tunnel or large sewer. Targets in the form of weevil cut-outs are dotted about, the length of the tunnel. Jack turns to Gwen, she looks shocked, speechless. Jack indicates the guns to her, patient. JACK : You need to know how to use these. Gwen looks at the guns uncertain. JACK : Though I hope you never have to. GWEN : So do I. She giggles nervously. GWEN : I'm sorry, it's just... I don't even kill spiders in the bath. JACK : Nor do I. Not with a gun ! Gwen laughs, relaxing a little. Jack gestures as the guns. JACK : It's all yours. Gwen looks at him, still uncertain, needing guidance. [SCENE_BREAK] Jack and Gwen wear yellow eye guards, blue ear defenders and headsets. Jack loads a gun for Gwen and passes it to her. She takes it and waves it, pointing it at Jack's face. He dodges back pushing her hand down so the gun is aimed at the floor. JACK : Target's that way ! He points down the length of the tunnel. GWEN : Right. She takes a deep breath and holding the gun in both hands pulling it up to aim, reaching first over her head. Jack grabs her wrist and helps her aim. JACK : Let's keep the roof in one piece shall we ? Jack smiles and flicks one of her hands from the gun. JACK : One hand, not two. Turn sideways to the target. Jack stands behind Gwen, brushing her hair back so he can speak in her ear, stroking her neck a little as he does so. JACK : Look along your shoulder, down your arm, straight line to the sights. Bring up your gun. Gwen lifts her arm quickly. JACK : Woh, woh, woh, woh. Not too fast, it's all in the breathing. Jack holds the gun with her and raises it. JACK : Hold it firm, don't grip it. Jack cocks the gun and moves his hand to Gwen's waist, pulling Gwen against him. JACK : Breathe in... Jack breathes in. JACK : Focus, breath out, squeeze gently. Gwen shoots then gasps happily and laughs, proud. Jack hugs her. JACK : That was a joint effort. Try it again, this time on your own, and remember... MONTAGE Jack and Gwen shooting various guns, Jack continually instructing Gwen as she becomes a better shot. Return to: The hub shooting range. JACK : Nice work. Like I said, hope you never have to use 'em. GWEN : Yeah. She checks her watch. GWEN : Oh God, look at the time ! When do you get to go home ? You seem to live here ! You don't, do you ? JACK : (Shrugs) Gotta be ready. The 21st century is when it all changes. And, I hate to commute. GWEN : (Smiling) When do you sleep ? JACK : I don't. GWEN : Doesn't it get lonely at night ? Jack looks blank, a little sadness carefully hidden. GWEN : I better get back, Rhys'll be wondering where I am. JACK : Goodnight. Jack looks after Gwen as she leaves then starts to put the guns away. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GWEN'S FLAT - NIGHT It is quiet and the lights are out. GWEN : Hello ! She turns on the light, the flat is empty. She goes to the answering machine and plays the message. RHYS : (On machine) Hi, it's me. I'm at Dav's and erm, playing poker, but I'm winning, wehey ! Just so you know, erm, I put yer whites on earlier, even though you were bloody grumpy. It's still in the machine so you'll have to hang 'em up. I put the veggies out but I didn't do the washin' up, but there's not much of that. So erm, we haven't done it in weeks anyway. I'll see ya when I see ya, ta ra. Gwen takes the ghost machine from her bag. INT. OWEN'S FLAT - NIGHT Owen sits in a chair with his eyes closed, opposite full length windows overlooking Cardiff bay. He replays the vision of Lizzie and Ed in his mind. He holds a copy of the 'Cardiff Examiner' from 1963 showing the incident. INT. GWEN'S FLAT Gwen looks at the ghost machine and presses the central button. CUT TO - VISION Gwen sits on the kitchen counter in her police uniform. Rhys is with her. RHYS : Hello there. Gotta stay out of trouble now then have I ? GWEN : Best behaviour, I'm a fully trained police officer, I'll have you on the floor and handcuffed like that. She snaps her fingers. RHYS : Oh, promises, promises... They kiss. Gwen walks around within her vision, saddened by how happy she and Rhys were then. RHYS : I'm so proud of you. Gwen releases the button on the ghost machine, pauses and presses it again. The room shimmers. CUT TO - VISION A horn sounds outside the window and looks out. Gwen is dressed up to go out in the vision. GWEN : Taxi's here, we're gonna be late. Rhys comes into the living room half dressed in a suit. RHYS : Not worn this thing since my last interview. Gwen laughs at him. RHYS : I'll wear jeans and a t-shirt. GWEN : It's my mom's 60th. She wanted us all smart, that's the whole point. RHYS : But, I bust my zip, I'll be flashing my family allowance if I'm not careful ! Gwen picks up a stapler and brandishes it chasing him, laughing. RHYS : What are you doin' with that ? GWEN : I'll staple it ! RHYS : You're not coming near my valuables with that ! Gwen chases Rhys from the room. In the present Gwen sits on the sofa considering the ghost machine. Rhys enters, leaning in the doorway. RHYS : Hiya. Dav and Karen had a barney, she's makin' 'im sleep in the spare room, I didn't fancy the sofa. Look I don't mind you workin' all the hours, I really don't, just so long as you still wanna come home at the end of it all. GWEN : I do. I'm here, and you're gorgeous. Gwen walks to Rhys, hiding the ghost machine behind her back and kisses him. RHYS : Bet you haven't done the washin' up... ! Gwen smiles and kisses him again, they fall to the sofa Gwen straddling his lap. GWEN : Lets leave it 'til tomorrow, aye ? RHYS : Aye. Gwen slips the ghost machine into her bag while she kisses Rhys. INT. OWEN'S FLAT - NIGHT Papers and files about Lizzie are scattered about the floor, Owen gathers them and flicks through a few pages. He looks down a suspect list, it shows : 'Morgan, Edwin - released without charge. No further questioning'. He checks the telephone directory and finds a list of addresses, rips out the page. He drinks spirits from the bottle and smiles. INT. OWEN'S CAR - MORNING Owen has crossed various names through on the phone directory list - he has been searching for Eddie for a long time. He picks up a pile of fake identity cards and chooses one. He exits the car and walks to the front door of a property, knocks. There is no answer so he checks the window, a man appears briefly behind the net curtain and Owen looks through the letter box. EDDIE : Who is it ? OWEN : Mr Morgan. The door opens and Eddie looks through the gap. He is now a dishevelled old man, ravaged by time, overweight and unhealthy looking. EDDIE : What do you want ? OWEN : Well Mr Morgan, I need to come in. Owen shows his identity card and Eddie leads him through to the kitchen. EDDIE : Who said there was gas ? I can't smell anything, there's nothing wrong, I'd have noticed. Can you smell anything ? Was it next door ? OWEN : Can we go into the living room, Mr Morgan ? Owen follows Eddie through the flat. It has old fashioned décor throughout. EDDIE : There's nothing in here. No gas fire I mean, haven't got one. There's electric heater, I don't hardly use it. What you lookin' for ? OWEN : Sit down Mr Morgan. They sit opposite each other in the living room. EDDIE : Was it next door ? Tell her should mind her own business, something wrong with her, makes stuff up. Is it her ? You won't find anything if it is, all in 'er 'ead, know what I mean ? What's your name ? OWEN : (Leaning forward) How long 'ave you lived 'ere Mr Morgan ? EDDIE : Hum, years, this was my mam's house. OWEN : Then you'd remember your neighbours, people that used to live in this street a while ago, people who lived... just 'round the corner. Like in Abbot's Street. Like Mabel Lewis. She's only passed away a few years ago, did you know ? Course she moved away long before that. Eddie's fingers tighten where they rest on his knee. OWEN : Couldn't bear the memories, her daughter, her own, only child... died in '63. Lizzie. Yeah, good old Lizzie Lewis. A flash of Lizzie under the bridge. OWEN : She loved dancing, do you remember ? You should. Pretty girl, blonde hair, blue eyes. Used to wear a little pink coat. Eddie's hands clench into fists. OWEN : Bet she saved all her pennies to get that, all the rage. She was wearing it the last time you saw her. Last time anyone saw her... alive. Remember now ? I know what happened under the bridge that night. Just the two of you, in the dark. Water dripping from the roof to the canal, Lizzie's hair all wet from the rain, cold and crying. I know what you did Ed Morgan. There you are just, living your life. Free as a bird. Lizzie told her mother she'd be home by 9 didn't she ? 'Please don't' she said 'please'. 'You're a bad one Ed Morgan, the girls said not to go with you and they were right'. EDDIE : (Stands and shouts). Get out ! Get out ! Get out ! OWEN : (Stands to leave) You won't get away with this. EDDIE : You'll get nothing from me. I told you before, you'll get nothing from me ! Eddie chases Owen out of the door. EDDIE : Ger out of my house ! Get out of my house ! The door slams behind Owen. A dog barks and a postman next door stares at him. Owen nods then looks down, trying to be inconspicuous. INT. EDDIE'S HOUSE Eddie stands behind the door. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE EDDIE'S HOUSE Owen jogs back to his car. A young lad is sitting in a nearby park smoking, his hood up. He glances up at Owen then looks away quickly. Owen looks over and spots him. OWEN : Bernie Harris ! Bernie runs across the park, Owen tries to enter but the gate is locked. He runs around the edge of the park to cut off Bernie. OWEN : Oi ! Bernie trips over an elderly lady's bag which is on the floor and he stumbles, kicking the contents of the bag over the floor. He runs down a path where a group of lads are playing football, Owen close behind. BOY : Go on, kick 'is 'ead in ! Bernie runs over a graffitied bridge and through residential streets, over a fence and into a back garden where a lady sits. She nods in Bernie's direction as Owen follows him into the garden. Bernie jumps a wall and lands in a paddling pool. A girl is playing on a trampoline. GIRL : Dad, there's a man in the garden ! Owen follows Bernie in and out of the garden. GIRL : There's two men in the garden ! Bernie jumps another wall and falls into a garden full of chickens. He gets up and jumps another fence into a garden with a high brick wall. Owen lands behind him and Bernie runs to the back gate - it is padlocked. OWEN : Bernie Harris. BERNIE : Who ? OWEN : That wasn't a question. BERNIE : Please, don't hurt me, please. I got asthma ! OWEN : I'm not gonna hurt ya... I'm gonna bloody kill ya ! INT. A BAR Owen and Bernie sit at a table with pints of larger. OWEN : Why'd they call you Bernie ? BERNIE : (Shrugs) Burn'd my neighbour's shed down when I was 12. OWEN : What for ? BERNIE : I was just havin' a fag, got a bit carried away like. Jack enters the bar, followed by Gwen and Toshiko. JACK : Well, this is cosy. Hope he bought you flowers. BERNIE : If this is about the dodgy fags I didn't know what happened to them alright ? Gwen throws the ghost machine to Jack who puts it on the table in front of Bernie. JACK : Well, it's probably worth knowing we're probably the only people you can tell. Bernie glances around at them all then addresses Jack. BERNIE : Me and a mate was using this lock up down on Mora Street. Used to belong to this old guy, soft in the 'ead he was. Still loads of his stuff in it, but we chucked most of it. There was this old biscuit tin full of foreign coins, weird bits of rock, and that. He nods to the ghost machine. BERNIE : Thought it might be worth somethin', take it down the Antiques Roadshow. JACK : Ha ! BERNIE : Well you dunno do you ? Cash in the attic and all that. So, I takes the tin 'ome with me an' that thing starts switchin' itself on. He speaks quietly, confiding to Jack. BERNIE : It makes you see things, real things. Real people. I was down the old wharf near the bay, I see this woman with a bundle, summat wrapped up, it was night time, and she was puttin' it into the water all secret like. It was weird cuz, it was like, I was her somehow. She was scared, she knew what she was doin' was wrong. I knew, without seein', it was her baby. Wrapped up. Dead. She hadn't told anyone, then she just ran away, and I realised, I know 'er. She's old now but she lives up by the Catholic church in Splott. So I goes up to see her, told her what I'd seen. She give me money not to tell anyone else. OWEN : You blackmailed her. BERNIE : She offered. Look, I've seen things you wouldn't believe. There's the old bridge, on Pembroke Street. I saw a man, and a girl, from ages ago, he was following 'er, back from a dance along a canal... OWEN : Yeah, I know. I saw it. He doesn't know anything does he ? Jack, in agreement, picks up the ghost machine and stands to leave. JACK : Bernie, been fascinating meeting you. BERNIE : Ay ! That's mine ! You can't just walk off, I got rights ! Jack leads the others away. They continue walking as Bernie complains. When they are about to exit the pub, Bernie calls out : BERNIE : So you don't wanna see the other 'arf then ? They stop and look at him. INT. BERNIE'S ROOM - LATER THAT DAY Jack studies the other half of the ghost machine then hands it to Toshiko. JACK : The other half. GWEN : (Looking through biscuit tin) Weird bits of rock, foreign money. Jack goes to her and routes through the tin. JACK : Alien rock, alien money. Driftwood, washing in through the rift. OWEN : Tosh ! Owen holds up an elderly tin of baked beans to her with a smile. JACK : So, Bernie. Was this thing in two halves when you found it ? Tosh links the two pieces together and gasps happily. TOSHIKO : I got it. Like clicking Lego together. Jack takes the now complete ghost machine from her. It is now an arched, semi-circular structure. Jack looks at it briefly before Gwen grabs it, looking to Bernie. GWEN : You split this into two pieces didn't you ? Toshiko picks up the biscuit tin and Owen starts to leave. They have what they came for and know Bernie is unlikely to be able to give them any answers. OWEN : Cummon you lot. TOSHIKO : We'll take these too if you don't mind. She leaves with the biscuit tin, not waiting for an answer, Jack smiles after her, agreeing. OWEN : (Shouts from outside) Come on you lot ! BERNIE : Aren't you gonna arrest me ? JACK : No. we're not the police. BERNIE : But I robbed that... JACK : I know. BERNIE : An' you're gonna rob it back off me ? JACK : So call the cops. Jack leaves the room, Gwen starts to follow. BERNIE : Don't go ! I only used it once, that half. I, I couldn't use it again. GWEN : Why not ? BERNIE : I'm gonna die. I seen it happen, out there on the road, and I'm just lyin' there, bleeding, and then I die. Just like I am now, not old. GWEN : What do you mean ? JACK : (Popping his head round the door) Cummon Gwen. BERNIE : I'm gonna be 20 in July, do I die before then ? JACK : (Calls from outside) Gwen ! GWEN : Just wait there, I'm coming back. Gwen leaves the room to get Jack. INT. STAIRWELL - FLATS Gwen calls for Jack, looks down the stairwell then through a window hole in the wall - there is no glass. She sees them walking back towards the cars and calls out again. EXT. ROAD IN FRONT OF FLATS - DAY Owen bleeps his car open and goes to it, Jack and Toshiko go the SUV. Gwen runs towards them from the flats, holding the ghost machine. GWEN : Jack, I need to speak to you. Jack turns as Gwen presses a button in the second half of the machine. He runs towards her in a futile attempt to stop her. JACK : Gwen ! No ! The shot flickers and becomes darker. Gwen looks up and sees herself crouching down, blood covering her hands. Future Gwen stands and turns towards her, speaks quietly, shocked. FUTURE GWEN : He's dead. Owen had a knife. He wanted to kill him. GWEN : Owen ? FUTURE GWEN : Oooh God I couldn't stop it. Help me. Future Gwen begins crying and Gwen returns to the present as Jack takes the ghost machine from her. Owen walks towards them, concerned. JACK : Christ Gwen, what were you thinking ? Owen stares at her. INT. THE HUB - LATER Gwen and Jack sit facing each other over a desk. GWEN : I didn't see him. I didn't see anyone but me. Just said his name. Jack nods slightly then looks down at a piece of paper in his hand. JACK : Bernie said he saw himself dead in that street, you saw Owen with the knife. GWEN : But I was holding it, my hands were covered in blood. JACK : That was one future, one of many possible futures. Whatever you saw, what Bernie saw might not happen. GWEN : Might not. Can't we find out? you've got all this stuff. Alien stuff. Isn't there anything that can help ? JACK : (Shaking his head) I'm sorry. GWEN : I wish we'd never found it. Poor Bernie seeing himself dead. JACK : He might not be. GWEN : Hum, possible futures, he might like to know that. JACK : You're certainly findin' it a comfort. Gwen laughs sarcastically. GWEN : I dunno what to do. INT. EDDIE'S HOUSE Eddie holds a small piece of paper and starts to dial a number on an old fashioned circular dial phone. He stops before he puts in the whole number. OVERVIEW SHOT - See Eddie through a large mirror over the fireplace. A clock stands on the mantelpiece. Eddie sits smoking, nervously looking at the clock. INT. A BAR Toshiko and Owen sit at a small table drinking. TOSHIKO : I found your Ed Morgan earlier. Did a trace. OWEN : I found him too. Phone book, took all night but I found him. Paid 'im a visit this morning, put the fear of God into him. What did you find ? TOSHIKO : His medical records. He's claustrophobic, paranoid, depressive, got a couple of recorded attempts at suicide, he's barely left his house in years. Owen, if Jack finds out... OWEN : Well he won't, will he ? INT. EDDIE'S HOUSE Eddie is still nervously looking at the clock. He gathers himself and reaches for the phone, clearly not wanting to make the call he dials. INT. BERNIE'S FLAT Bernie looks out of an open window, down into the street below. Track down the corridor towards Bernie, as the shot closes on him a telephone rings. Bernie is nervous, paranoid. He answers the phone cautiously. BERNIE : Hello. INT. A BAR Toshiko and Owen continue talking. OWEN : I think he thought I wanted money. He kept saying 'you'll get nothing from me'. TOSHIKO : How annoying. OWEN : He said 'you'll get nothing from me, leave me alone... I told you before'. TOSHIKO : Told who ? Owen looks at Toshiko as he realises the answer - Bernie. CUT TO : A photograph of Bernie stuck to transparent board in the hub. Pan left. Jack's reflection can be seen in the board. As the shot pulls round Jack is looking at the picture. He replays the conversation he had with Bernie in the pub back in his mind. Jack takes down the photograph and turns, considering. CUT TO : Gwen looks through a hole in a wooden door. Shot taken from inside the house. GWEN : Bernie, it's Gwen. Bernie enters shot and unchains the door, opens it. GWEN : Can I come in ? She enters, leaving the shot. GWEN : Thanks. Bernie closes the door and glances around nervously before going through to Gwen. They sit at a kitchen table. GWEN : I know this sounds mad but just because you saw yourself... BERNIE : Dead, yeah... GWEN : ... doesn't mean that it's gonna happen. BERNIE : But you dunno how to stop it. For you or for me. Bernie stands, rubs his head sighing. BERNIE : Got right into my head this thing. Some things just better off not known. Bernie walks to look through the window, surveying the scene of his impending death. Gwen's mobile rings and she answers. GWEN : Jack. INTERCUT WITH : INT. THE HUB. Jack on the phone to Gwen. JACK : Ed Morgan. Owen went freelance earlier, decided to pay him a visit... Owen can be seen entering the hub looking annoyed. JACK : ...wanted to frighten him. Sounds like he succeeded. I think our friend Bernie Harris got there first, tried to blackmail him. GWEN : Bernie was blackmailing him ? She turns to look at Bernie. JACK : Looks like it. Ed thought Owen was part of the same outfit. Are you home yet ? GWEN : No, I'm at Bernie's place. JACK : We're heading over. Stay right there. Owen, with me. Tosh, keep an eye on CCTV in case Bernie makes a run for it. INT. BERNIE'S HOUSE GWEN : So you saw Ed Morgan assaulting that girl too and you thought you'd make some money out if it. INT. THE HUB Toshiko works at her computer, the scene shows 'clearance code, Torchwood, 45895' then changes to Ed Morgan's medical history. TOSHIKO : Severe depression... She mutters to herself as she reads, types then looks at the CCTV to see Ed Morgan outside. TOSHIKO : No, I don't believe this ! EXT. SUV See Jack through the SUV windscreen, he answers his mobile. TOSHIKO : (VO) Jack, I'm on CCTV and I'm looking at Ed Morgan JACK : What ? Where is he ? INTERCUT WITH : Toshiko in the hub watching the CCTV. TOSHIKO: Coming onto Everton Street. JACK : That's Bernie's Street. Jack turns to Owen who is driving. JACK : He's heading for Bernie's flat. INT. BERNIE'S FLAT Bernie pulls back the net curtain then walks away. GWEN : What, are we expecting someone ? She stands and follows him from the house. GWEN : Where are you goin' ? Bernie! Bernie ! Gwen's phone rings but she has left it on the table and goes back to answer it. GWEN : Jack, yeah, what the hell is going on ? INTERCUT WITH : Jack and Owen in the SUV. JACK : We're on our way, are you okay ? GWEN : Yeah, I would be if someone would just tell me what the... Gwen looks out of the window. Flash to Bernie saying he saw his dead and Jack saying Bernie saw himself die on that road. Gwen runs from the flat. JACK : Gwen ? Gwen ! Jack hangs up the phone frustrated, Owen looks at him and drives faster. EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE BERNIE'S FLAT Eddie walks towards Bernie, unsure on his feet, holding a knife. EDDIE : I knew you'd find me in the end. I knew you'd come for me. Bernie appears to be struggling for something to say. EDDIE : Been waiting for years. He sees Gwen walk towards them. EDDIE : Have you come for me to ? Eddie does not appear to be seeing Gwen, instead believing her to be Lizzie. Bernie holds out one hand, placating Eddie, but he is afraid and although he looks about to speak he cannot. EDDIE : I used to see it in people's faces when they looked at me. They knew. I tried to hide but they knew. Eddie looks about himself. Bernie and Gwen are quite close. EDDIE : I haven't been outside for so long. GWEN : Edwin... EDDIE : Little bitch ! You're all the same, you blame me, make me the bad one ! GWEN : Edwin, put the knife down. EDDIE : I wasted my life for you. Jack and Owen can be seen behind Eddie, approaching slowly and cautiously. BERNIE : I won't breathe a word, you'll never see me again I promise. Jack and Owen now seen by Gwen and Bernie adding to their confidence. EDDIE : I know. That's why I came. It's what you want isn't it ? Eddie moves slowly towards Gwen, knife outstretched. Jack and Owen grab him from behind on either side. Owen gets the knife from Eddie. Bernie is face down on the floor, Gwen Crouched protectively over him. Jack keeps hold of Bernie. JACK : Are we okay ? OWEN : I got it. GWEN : Yeah, yeah, we're okay. Owen holds the knife ready to use it and looks at Eddie being restrained by Jack. OWEN : I've got the knife, Edwin... you were so close, you were goin' for 'er weren't ya ? Just like with Lizzie. Owen approaches and pushes the knife lengthways along Eddie's cheek - like he had done so many years before to Lizzie. OWEN : you were so close, as close as I am now. Gwen remembers her vision and shares a glance with Jack. JACK : Owen. OWEN : You said you were sorry, you said you didn't want to hurt her but you didn't stop. JACK : Owen ! OWEN : Why didn't you stop ? Why didn't you stop ? GWEN : Owen, no. OWEN : I don't know. Owen pulls the knife away and holds it to his side. Gwen takes it from him. JACK : (To Owen) Go and deal with Bernie. Owen walks to Bernie as he has been told. Gwen, relieved, still holds the knife out in front of her. GWEN : It didn't happen ! No one died, we stopped it from happening. We got here in time. Eddie pulls away from Jack, taking advantage of his momentary relaxing of his hold. He goes towards Gwen. EDDIE : I knew you'd come for me. Eddie pulls Gwen a little towards him and the knife enters his chest smoothly. He pushes her away as Jack grabs him. Owen rushes over and begins CPR, medical training overriding any other feelings towards Eddie. OWEN : He's arresting. Owen is unable to revive Eddie. Gwen looks at her hands covered in blood and looks at Jack. GWEN : Help me. I was so close I couldn't stop it. Oh God. I could, I could,.,. I couldn't stop it. INT. THE HUB - JACK'S OFFICE Gwen has been crying and is wrapped in a blanket. TOSHIKO : He wanted to die. He would have found a way no matter what. OWEN : I screwed up, and I know I did. But erm, I didn't kill ''im. I could of but I didn't. GWEN : No, I did. JACK : Tosh is right, could have been anyone. TOSHIKO : (Indicating the ghost machine) What about that. JACK : The problem with seeing the future is you can't just sit and look at it. Have to try an' change things. Make it happen differently. Jack picks up the ghost machine and studies it. JACK : It's not meant for us. All these ghosts, we'd be lost. Sun's nearly up. Jack hands the ghost machine to Ianto, his decision made. JACK : Ianto. IANTO : Secure archives. Jack nods and Ianto moves to the large safe at the side of Jack's office. JACK : (To Gwen) Come on. EXT. THE BAY - SUNRISE GWEN : I killed him, I've still got blood on my hands. JACK : He killed himself. Come on, Gwen. Look, the sun's comin' up. GWEN : A new day. JACK : The city'll be awake soon, all those people all that energy. GWEN : All those ghosts. JACK : We're surrounded by 'em. We can't see 'em, we can't touch 'em, but they're there alright. A million shadows of human emotion. We've just gotta learn to live with them. Jack hugs Gwen close to him as they overlook the bay.

Plan: A: a man; Q: Who is Gwen chasing? A: Gwen; Q: Who retrieves the machine? A: an unusual machine; Q: What does Gwen retrieve? A: World War II Britain; Q: During what time period does Gwen see a vision of a young boy? A: Torchwood; Q: What is the name of the organization that Gwen works for? A: Owen; Q: Who witnesses a violent murder? A: the information; Q: What does Owen use to track down the murderer? A: the still-living murderer; Q: Who does Owen track down? Summary: While chasing a man, Gwen retrieves an unusual machine that allows the user to see back into the past. When she inadvertently uses the machine, she is haunted by a vision of a lonely young boy during World War II Britain. Considering the machine dangerous, no members of Torchwood are permitted to use it. But Owen has other plans, and witnesses a violent murder that took place over forty years ago. Using the information he gathered, Owen starts to track down the still-living murderer.

AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : Uh, are these the pages from my book? Peyton : The "comet," not "ravens," And I cannot be held accountable, 'cause baby and me have gone completely bed-Rest stir crazy ... What? Oh. Great. I've got permanent bed head, and you're laugh at me. Lucas : Look, I'm ... I'm sorry. I know how hard it is being cooped up in the house. Peyton : "Hard"? I have read this month's issue of B. Davis magazine Cover to cover five times. Lucas : Woo! Peyton : Just stay and tell me stories about life on the outside. Lucas : I can't. I'm working on something. Peyton : Why have you been so weird lately? Lucas : You're, like, off in the garage, and you... Peyton : You're making me a present. Are you making the baby a present? Is it a present for me and the baby? Lucas : All right. Uh, You ... You know what? You're right. Peyton : Well, yeah, I'm right, so just stay and let me guess. Lucas : No, no. I mean, you're right. You're going completely crazy. Peyton : Crazy people should not be left alone. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : Funny. I thought vampires didn't photograph. Oh. Sam, remind me to buy you a garlic necklace. Victoria : Good morning, Brooke. Being dramatic, as usual. Brooke : I'm not being dramatic. I'm being a mom. And that means keeping Sam out of harm's way. Victoria : Ah, so I guess I'm "harm." Brooke : No. You're "harm's" older, decrepit sister, "Emotional damage." Sam : Okay. We bought you caffeine, so play nice. Brooke : Thank you. What are you up to? Victoria : Nothing. I like Samantha. She's plucky and dark. She's going through Brooke : A really hard time. Victoria : Yeah, I know about jack. Brooke : Not just jack. Sam wants a family. She is vulnerable, and I don't want her latching onto you just so that you can end up disappointing her. Victoria : I don't intend to disappoint her. Brooke : You never do. Man : Hi. Victoria : Well, hurry along. We don't tip. Brooke : Do you have to be such a bitch? Victoria : I'm wrong when I'm nice. I'm wrong when I'm mean. I just can't win with you. Brooke : No, you can't, so please stop trying. I told you, this relationship is about business, and that includes Sam. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Haley : Knock, knock. Brought you this month's issue of B. Davis magazine. Peyton : Our ceiling fan does 147 rotations a minute. Haley : Well, that answers my question about how mama's doing. How's baby? Peyton : Baby is kicking baby-Growing ass. The doctor says we're doing good. Haley : Good. That's what auntie Haley likes to hear. Good job in there, kiddo. Peyton : So, I got an interesting call from the label this morning. Haley : Oh, let me guess - They want Mia's album like last week, which, by the way, is gonna be fantastic, Which is unbiased, even though I am the producer. Peyton : Okay. Call wasn't about Mia. They want to buy one of your songs. I guess they have an artist that heard it and fell in love with it and blah, blah, blah. Haley : I never thought about selling my songs. Peyton : Okay, well, from the way they were raving about you, You might want to start thinking about it. AT COACH OFFICE Devon : I'll come off the bench. Hey, I'll do whatever it takes. I just want back on the team. Bobby : Devon... Devon : coach. Bobby : ... you know how this league works. There is always someone right behind you ready to do whatever it takes. The roster's full. I am sorry. Hey, Scott. You're here early. Nathan : I'm meeting Nino. We're just gonna run through some drills before practice. Bobby : Good. Glad to hear that. You know, you two have been playing together really well these last weeks. Nathan : Thanks. Bobby : And I'm not the only one who's noticed. Been getting some calls about you ... Scouts. Yeah. Now, there's nothing concrete yet, But as I know more, you'll know more. Nice work, Nathan. Nathan : Thanks. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : What are you shredding? Victoria : Nothing. Junk mail. Victoria : Well, you have two choices. You get me the fabric on time, at cost, or your "little start-Up company that could" - It won't. Brooke : What now? Victoria : It's the new line. It's ... It's so good. Fresh. Some of your best work. But you've always been a talented girl, Brooke. Brooke : Thank you. Now, would you stop threatening our suppliers? It's tacky. Sam : Well, nice chip at the wall. Victoria : Who says I'm trying to chip the wall? My daughter seems sad lately. Sam : What gave her away - The "kick me, I'm sad" sign on my Prada? No, it's her designs. They're so good. Victoria : And she built a fashion empire on a broken heart, So who's the boy? Sam : Julian. Cliffs notes version - Boy meets girl, Girl falls crazy in love, can't admit it, Boy moves away, asks girl to come, girl says no. Victoria : And girl buries herself in work. I've read this book before. Sam : I hear bonding. Back away from the innocent, Victoria. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Mia : So, Haley still has to put her Mojo on it, But what do you think? Peyton : I love it. And I love chase for inspiring the hell out of you lately. Mia : Well, let's just say good kissing inspires good music. Peyton : Yeah, he is a good kisser. I mean, that one tiny, little, inconsequential, Hardly memorable time that i kissed him, you know? Mia : You too? Peyton : It was twice. I mean, honey, It was only to make Lucas and Brooke jealous. Mia : Great. I'm still trying to forget that he kissed Brooke. B.T.W., not going so well. Peyton : Honey, why are you so worried about the kissing part? I mean, I thought you'd be more concerned With the virginity part. Mia : The what part? Peyton : And you didn't know that. AT THE RIVER COURT Jamie : So, uncle skills, it's been a month, and you still haven't talked to miss Lauren. Hey, ask her to the dance tonight. Skills : I'm good. Jamie : Just trying to hook a brother up. Skills : Wait, so all you guys got dates to the dance? Andre : not me. Q always said, "don't bring sand to the beach." Jamie : Is the dance at the beach? Skills : What about you, J. Luke? Madison : Hey, guys! Jamie : Hey, Madison. Madison : Hey, Jamie. Skills : Madison, you're late. One lap around the park. Go. Chuck : I bet Jamie's gonna ask Madison. Jamie : No, I'm not. Skills : Chuck, Andre, no teasing. One lap around the park. Go. I thought you were feeling Madison. Jamie : Well, I'm not gonna be the only guy at the dance with a date. Besides, you said all women are no good. Skills : No, I said nanny Deb was no good. Jamie : Is there anything you don't remember? Genius. Skills : Who cares what people think? I mean, you're a leader, right? So if you want to ask Madison, i say go for it. My man. [Flashback] Lucas : Open your eyes. Told you ... you had one last graduation gift. Peyton : The cure? Lucas : Tonight in Atlanta. Peyton : But I'm supposed to be leaving for L.A. Today with Brooke. Lucas : Yeah, Iknow, but Brooke and chase Are having their own... extended goodbye. Brooke says you can leave in the morning. I mean, unless you don't want to go. Peyton : No, no, no, no, no! I'm going. And you are gonna get into a hell of a lot more Than a concert with these tickets. AT COACH OFFICE Nathan : So, what do you got for me? Bobby : Congratulations, Nathan. You got an offer. Nathan : From the NBA? Bobby : It's from a European team, but the money is really good and it's a two-Year deal. Nathan : Wait. Europe? Bobby : Nathan, a lot of really good players Are leaving the NBA to go to Europe. Nathan : Great. Give me one of their spots. Bobby : Look, I know that this is not the offer that you were expecting. But this is still a good offer from a good team. Nathan : Well, when do they need to know? Bobby : They'll move on another choice tomorrow. ON THE STREET Sam : How lame is my life that my only friends are a 5- Year-Old and my foster granny? Victoria : Language, Samantha. Sam : Brooke would totally freak if she knew i was hanging out with you. Victoria : Well, you're a young lady. You need to look like a young lady. Sam : Language, Victoria. Victoria : And as for Brooke, She'll learn she can't pick her daughter's friends. That's a lesson i like to call "the peyton sawyer debacle." Sam : Oh, um, I can't go in here. Salesperson kind of hates me. Victoria : Since when? Sam : Since the salesperson caught me shoplifting. Victoria : You got caught shoplifting? Do you know how much clothes over bros lost In profit last year because of shoplifting? Millions. It's why those prices that you're always complaining about Are so high. Sam : Okay. Victoria : You are a member of this family now. Theft is common. We don't do common. Sam : Okay. I don't do it anymore. Victoria : Well, why did you do it at all? Sam : I don't know. I guess I got a high from it. Victoria : Well, find another way to get high. Sam : Okay, your words. Victoria : And as for this salesperson, If she wants you out, she'll have to deal with me. Let's go. AT THE RIVER COURT Jamie : Nice day for carrot sticks, huh? Speaking of the dance, want to go with me? Madison : I'm sorry, Jamie. Chuck just asked me. Jamie : Chuck? Chuck. AT THE STUDIO Mia : Did you know that Chase lost his virginity to Brooke? Haley : Yes. And I'm guessing from the look on your face, You did not know that. Well, welcome to tree hill. I challenge you to find a boy That did not lose his virginity to Brooke Davis. Mia : But she's Brooke Davis. Haley : And you're Mia Catalano. Mia : But she's Brooke Davis. Haley : And you're Mia Catalano, and I'm getting off this train. Mia : I just feel stupid - Like, everyone knew but me. Haley : All right, I can relate to you. Nathan lost his virginity to my sister. Mia : Wow, you win. Haley : Look, I know the way Chase look at you. He probably didn't tell you Because he's not thinking about anybody but you. Now, chop-chop. Let's make a record. AT THE GARAGE [Flashback] Peyton : I am a high-School graduate, And i can't read a freakin' map. Lucas : Look, Atlanta's just a straight shot down 74, To 95, to 20, to 75, to 85- 6 hours. Peyton : Show-Off. Lucas : You too. And maybe if you would have studied more Instead of freaky out with me in the backseat of the car Peyton : No way. I got an A+ in backseat. So, you're the only one with one more graduation gift. And I was gonna wait to tell you till I got to L.A. In case you freaked out, but... I sent copies of "unkindness of ravens" To a bunch of publishers in New-York. Lucas : You thudded me. Peyton : Payback. And right now, there's some stuffy old publisher Reading your words and falling in love with them. And he's gonna buy them, And he's gonna fly you to new York And make you very, very famous. Lucas : Thank you for doing that. I mean, I wanted to, but I just... Peyton : You were afraid. Lucas : Yeah. Peyton : I know. But someone once told me your art matters, And I wonder who that was. I don't know Off that easy with just a thank-You, either. And you're not gonna get I mean, when they turn your brilliant novel into a movie, You are gonna have to cast, Like, a hot, rockin' body, kick-Ass P. Sawyer. Lucas : Yeah, only if I can play Lucas. Oh! MAKING SHOPPING Victoria : So, this Julian - Where is he? Sam : Los Angeles, and I really think she wanted to go. I know I did. It was the closest I've ever come to a real family. Victoria : I'm sorry she didn't think of you. My daughter can be quite selfish. Sam : Hey, no bagging on Brooke. I told you. It's my "friendship with the devil" deal-Breaker. Victoria : Really? You're following us? I know everything about retail and who you should be watching, And it is not us. It's actually that girl over there About to SFF that clutch into her knockoff. As for Samantha... Sam : Sorry about the shoplifting thing. It...won't happen again. Victoria : Satisfied? Now you can go back To being completely and utterly incompetent at your job. Sam : Why are you such a bitch? Victoria : This bitch just defended you. A thank-You would be nice. Sam : Thank you. Now, why are you such a bitch? Victoria : Maybe I get a high from it. Sam : You know what? I stopped shoplifting. Maybe you could stop being so mean. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Brooke : I said no bonding. I told Victoria to keep her old-Lady talons away from Sam, And then there they were, Having a freakin' tree hill shopping-Palooza. Look at her face. She's so smug. I just want to throw that magazine across the room. Peyton : Okay, um, maybe it is because I'm hormonal, Or maybe it's because I've been locked in this room for so long, I have completely lost touch with reality, But is it the worst thing in the world for Momzilla to be nice to Sam? Brooke : Yes Peyton : Okay, what if she hated her? Wouldn't that be worse? Brooke : Yes, but...she never took me shopping. AT COACH OFFICE Nathan : Am I interrupting? Bobby : No, just looking at who I can pull up to take your place. Devon. Did you come here to talk to me about Devon Or the European offer? Nathan : Both, actually. But first, I need to ask you a question. Bobby : Okay. Nathan : Do you think I'm good enough to make it to the NBA? Bobby : Are you good enough? Yes, Nathan, you're good enough. But it takes more than talent. It takes timing and luck. Look, you have an offer on the table, And a two-Year contract to play professional ball does not come often. Nathan : So you think I should take it. Bobby : Yes, I do. AT THE STUDIO Haley : Yeah, no, that's really great. I think that adjustment helps a lo Mia : Cool. Nick Lachey : Sounded good to me. Sorry to interrupt. The recording light wasn't on, so i thought i'd just come in. Mia : You're Nick Lachey. Nick Lachey : And you're Mia Catalano. See? I told you. So, what's a guy got to do to get your song on his album? Haley : Um, wow. When the label said they had an artist Who was interested in recording one of my songs, I really - Nick Lachey : Didn't picture me. Haley : Yeah, at all. Mia : Nick lachey. Nick Lachey : You really love using first and last names. Mia : It's a tree hill thing. Sorry, nick lachey. Haley : Okay, just go. Mia : Bye. Nick Lachey : So, what are the magic words? 'Cause I really want you to say yes. Your song is great, and trust me - I've listened to a lot of new songs for this album. Haley : Yeah, I'm - I'm sorry. It's just that "all in my head" Wasn't supposed to be one of them. Just screwed up. Nick Lachey : I'm glad they did. Haley : I really am flattered that you came all the way out here, But there are no magic words. The answer is just no. Nick Lachey : What if I told you I had a really rough flight? Standby. Middle seat. Coach. Haley : I'm sorry. I'm just not interested in selling my music. Oh, but would you sign this for my son? He's a big fan. His name's Jamie. [Flashback] Peyton : Can you believe that Nathan and Haley Are married with a baby? Lucas : Yeah. I think they were ready to get married and have a baby On their second date. Peyton : I think they did. I really hate that I'm gonna miss Jamie getting bigger. I mean, by the time i come home to visit, He's already gonna be walking and talking. Lucas : Nah, with Nathan and Haley, He'll be reading and dribbling first. Peyton : They are gonna be amazing parents. Lucas : And you are gonna be an amazing mom. You should have that one day. And you will. AT SKILL'S APPARTMENT Jamie : What's chuck got that I don't? Skills : Better timing, a date with Madison. Jamie : I don't get it. I thought me and Madison had an unspoken connection. Skills : Look, nothing is unspoken with women. Now, you can't let this thing with Madison Ruin the dance tonight. Jamie : It's not, 'cause I'm not going. Skills : Jamie, you got to go to your first dance, man. I mean, what happens at your first dance becomes the building block of the rep That'll follow you all the way through school. Me? My first dance? I walked in "Antwon," but I left "skills." So, what? You still gonna sit on his couch? Jamie : You sit around poing about nanny deb. I'm gonna sit around and pout about Madison. Skills : Cool. You want to roll like I roll? Then I'm going to the dance...now. AT THE SCHOOL PARTY Jamie : Oh, man. This is killing me. Skills : At least the punch is good. AT COACH OFFICE Devon : My wife just had a little girl. I told myself I'd be called up by the time she got here. Nathan : I'm sorry about what happened, man. Devon : It ain't your fault. And i wanted to tell you that. All me. Nathan : So, what are you gonna do now? Devon : Work harder. Try and get picked up and... If I do ... I'm gonna do things differently. Funny thing is, um ... I told you not to stay in my way. But I should have been telling myself that. 'Cause you only get one. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : Sam? Well, the broom's not parked outside, So I guess Victoria's not here, either. Maybe I'll do some filing. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Oh...my...god. [Flashback] Peyton : Thank you. What? Lucas : It amazes me how much you can eat. It's kind of like you're eating for two. Are you eating for two? Peyton : Trust me, this will be just the tip of the iceberg. When I'm pregnant. And either way, you said it was our last hurrah, So how can that not include stopping for "world's best pie"? Which, by the way, how do you think they determine that? Lucas : Well, I'm - I'm sure they do studies. Peyton : Damn good last-Hurrah pie. The way I see it is, As soon as that car pulls out for L.A. Tomorrow, I'm officially an adult, which means no more being spontaneous, No more shoveling pie. Lucas : Well, if this really is our last hurrah, how about we, uh... Go out in style? Peyton : We can't. Are you serious? Lucas : Oh, yeah. Dine and dash. I dare you. Peyton : I will see you on the outside. Lucas : There's an extra $5 in it If you run out behind me screaming. Woman : no, no, no! Peyton : I can't believe we just did that! Woman : No, no! What are you doing?! AT THE SCHOOL PARTY Jamie : Dances suck, huh? Want to get out of here and get some ice cream? Andre : Sorry, bro. I met someone. Skills : Aw, come on, now. There's a lot of girls out there you could be having fun with. Jamie : Why do I have to try? You're not. Skills : It's not the same thing. Jamie : I know you like her. I think you're chicken. Skills : I am not. Look, I'm not scared. Jamie : Prove it. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Hey, you're home. You missed Jamie on his way to the dance. He was so cute in his little suit! Looked like a little Lucas. What's going on? Nathan : I got an offer to play... in Europe. And I don't know, hales, maybe we should...consider it. It's good money. It's a two-Year contract. Haley : But you want to play in the NBA. Nathan : I know, but so does every other person on my team and every other player in the "b" league. Haley : Okay, um... All right, let's say that you take this two-Year contract And then the NBA comes calling. Nathan : What if I don't take it and then they never call? I mean, I've been working on this... Comeback for a long time now, And maybe this is my chance And I'm just too focused on the fantasy of the NBA to notice. It's not a fantasy. Haley : That's your dream. There's nothing wrong with pursuing it. Nathan : To what end? Haley : I don't know. But whatever you decide, You have a wife and a son who love you, And we're behind you 100%. Nathan : Thanks. Haley : Yeah. AT TRIC Nick Lachey : What do you call this again? Chase : The chaser. Nick Lachey : Really? 'Cause it tastes just like a bad long island iced tea. Mia : Why didn't you tell me you lost your virginity to Brooke Davis? Nick Lachey : I didn't. Why, did she say I was a virgin? Nice. Mia : Peyton told me, but it should have been you. Chase : The losing-Virginity topic Really isn't something a guy likes to bring up to his girl. Nick Lachey : Or himself. But, then again, your premiere starred Brooke Davis. Mia : Stay out of it, Nick Lachey. Nick Lachey : So, what's Brooke been up to, anyway? AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : You have really out-Bitched yourself this time, Victoria. Explain. Or no. Don't explain. I'm sure it'll just be more of the same Self-Serving, manipulative B.S. Victoria : Oh, just stop the histrionics. We could lose Samantha. Brooke : "We"? She is not yours to lose. Victoria : Samantha and I have gotten very close, And that woman gave her up. She made her mistakes a long time ago, And it's a little late to try to show up now. Brooke : I'm sorry. Are you kidding, or am I being punked? Victoria : This is different. I never abandoned you. Brooke : Not physically. And maybe that's worse. Victoria : You think I'm so bad. I destroyed those letters for you, Brooke. I see how much Samantha means to you. Brooke : No. Don't do that. You have never done anything for me. This is about you trying to have Some half-Assed do-Over with Sam Because you screwed up so completely with me, And it is so obvious and so damn pathetic! Just stop! And you never took me shopping. AT THE STUDIO Nick Lachey : Okay, wait. Just hear me out. Haley : You're just in time. Nick Lachey : For what? Haley : I have the instrumental track for "all in my head" cued up. Go sing. Nick Lachey : Now? Haley : Hey, Joe Perry said, "let the music do the talking." Nick Lachey : An Aerosmith reference. I knew I liked you. **Satellites blasting through the universe** **It's outta sight** **It's all in my head** **Saw your eyes sending me a message for the last time** **Here alone** **Holding on to something that I've never known** **It's all in my head** Nathan : I turned down the offer. Bobby : Yeah, I know. I just got off the phone with the scout. Nathan : Nathan, I ... I'm going to the NBA, bobby. Bobby : I was going to say that the European league missed out on a great player. I hope the NBA doesn't. Nathan : Thank you. Oh, and I want you to know I told the scout about Devon. He's a good player. He just made a mistake, And that doesn't mean he shouldn't get a second chance. Bobby : I told the scout the same thing. I'll see you in practice tomorrow, Scott. Nathan : I'll see you at practice. AT THE SCHOOL PARTY Lauren : Antwon "Skills" Taylor crashing a 5-Year-Olds' dance? I was hoping to see you. Skills : I wanted to ask you out, but I was kind of hesitant because... I just got out of a relationship. Lauren : Me too. Bad break-up. It broke my heart. So I guess neither one of us should really be dating right now, huh? Skills : Probably not. So, you want to dance? Lauren : No. But I could go for some rebound S-E-X. I'm kidding. A dance would be nice. **Someone wake me up when calls me** **It's like I've been asleep and** **She gone gone** **Someone let her know** **I'm not breathing** **Tell me this isn't happening** **Tell me this isn't happening** **Yeah yeah** **It's all in my head** **ooohh** **over** **yeah** **And she said it's all in my head** AT THE STUDIO Haley : It was good. Nick Lachey : It was great. The song, I mean. Haley : I know. Okay, I'll let you record it. One condition. I want to produce. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Sam : Hey. Sorry I've been sneaking around with your mom. It's just... she's not that bad once you get past the royal bitch of it all. Brooke : No, she's worse. Sam : You know, she'd really like another chance. Brooke : Sam... I have a letter for you ... from your birth mother. I guess she's been sending them to the store, hoping that I could help her get in touch with you, snd somehow they ended up in junk mail. Sam : Yeah, i don't want it. Brooke : Sam. Sam : No, she gave me up. She doesn't want me, right? What does she want now? Brooke : To say she's sorry? Sam : Maybe. Well, then, she should have said it. Every time I sat there in that coffee shop Right in front of her... She didn't even know that was her own daughter. So, screw her and her "I'm sorry" Because all that ever got me was a sucky life. And there's nothing she could say to fix that. Brooke : Samantha, you've been going to that coffee shop for months. You must want something from her, Sam : E- Even if it's just closure. Brooke : Yeah. Okay. How about why? Why wasn't I good enough? Why didn't she love me enough? Why could she just throw me away? Brooke : Maybe... Maybe she wants to tell you why giving you up was the hardest thing that she ever had to do. Sweetheart, I have no idea how you feel. Even on her worst day, Victoria never gave me away, But if you want to know why, she's the only person who can answer that for you. AT TRIC Chase : I should have told you about Brooke. Mia : Did you love her? Chase : Thought I did. That's before I fell in love with you. AT THE SCHOOL PARTY Chuck : Madison talked about you all night? Jamie : Really? Chuck : I'm sorry I hosed you, man. She's waiting for you over there. Girl : No. IN THE STREET Devon : Hello? This is he. Yes, sir. A tryout. Yes, sir. All right, thank you. Babe...a tryout! Oh, god. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : What if i just gave away my last chance? Haley : Your chance is coming, baby. I really believe that. IN FRONT OF THE BAR Brooke : I'm gonna be right here. It's okay. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : Peyton. Peyton : Hi! Lucas : Close your eyes. Peyton : I knew you had a surprise for me. Lucas : Open your eyes. Peyton : Where did you find this? It's the best concert we never went to. I still can't believe You pretended to like the cure all those years. Lucas : I never said i loved the cure. I said i loved kissing you to the cure. Peyton : This was one of the best days of my life. Really good pie. We had our whole lives in front of us. Lucas : Hey. We still do. Peyton : I know. Well, the cure is playing. Where's my kissing? [Flashback] Lucas : I can't believe I kept those tickets for six months ... and i lost them in six hours. Peyton : You know what? Maybe we can just go back to the doorman and explain that we really did have two. Lucas : Yeah, yeah. I'm kind of thinking he's probably heard that one before. I'm sorry about the concert. Peyton : Who goes to a sold-Out show anyway? And besides, I only have one last night with you. Lucas : Unless you show up tomorrow with, like, another surprise. If that's what it takes to keep you from leaving. I'm gonna miss you. Peyton : You better... 'Cause I have a lot of dreams wrapped up in you. And it's kind of hard to have a happily ever after All by yourself. And we're gonna have that, Lucas. We are gonna get married, And we're gonna make a lot of babies In the backseat of this car. I promise. And I always keep my promises. Lucas : Good... 'Cause I'm gonna hold you to it.

Plan: A: Brooke; Q: Who discovers something that could change Sam's life? A: Nathan; Q: Who questions his dreams of playing in the NBA? A: Haley; Q: Who receives an unexpected offer from Nick Lachey? A: their broken hearts; Q: What do Jamie and Skills mend? A: Louis Armstrong; Q: Who is the song named after? Summary: Brooke discovers something that could change Sam's life. Nathan questions his dreams of playing in the NBA while Haley receives an unexpected offer from Nick Lachey. Jamie and Skills mend their broken hearts at Jamie's first school dance. Meanwhile, Lucas and Peyton have a road trip to remember. This episode is named after a song by Louis Armstrong .

[The Woods] (Matt is running through the woods. A vampire is chasing him. He hides behind a tree but the vampire finds him and bites him but Jeremy kills him and rushes toward Matt) [A bar] (Jeremy, Matt and Damon are still with Klaus and the vampires are still there) Jeremy: No way. I'm not doing it Klaus: What makes you think you have a choice? You have to kill vampires to complete the hunter's mark. Mark equals cure Damon: You're in a bar full of almost vampires, so get your hunt on Jeremy: Screw you. You said I wouldn't have to kill any innocent people Damon: Jeremy, they're not people Klaus: Enough! Have at it, or else Jeremy: I don't take orders from you, dick. Hunters can't be compelled Klaus: You're right. I can't compel you, but if your conscience is getting in the way, then allow me to make this easy for you because I can compel them. I'm gonna give you a two-minute head start. Then I'm gonna send every vampire in here after you. You kill them, or they kill your friend... Matt Matt: Wait a second Damon: No, no. You turn them, he kills them. That was the deal, Klaus Klaus: I'm taking artistic license Damon: You know he can't take them all on at the same time Klaus: With you as his coach, he'll be fine. It's Matt I'm worried about Damon: Jeremy, go get the weapons out of the car. I'll be right behind you. Both of you (Matt and Jeremy leave) Klaus: If I hear an engine start, I'll kill Matt myself! [The woods] (Jeremy is checking up on Matt) Jeremy: Are you okay? Matt: Yeah. I just need a second Jeremy: We don't have a second. They can smell your blood. We need to go (They hear a noise. Jeremy turns himself, raising his crossbow but it's Damon) Damon: Don't hesitate. You're lucky it was me. Otherwise, you two would be dead Jeremy: You set me up Damon: I was trying to get this thing over with. You're the one that pissed off Klaus. Now you have to fight your way out of it Jeremy: Where are the other vampires? Damon: They're newbies. They're still trying to figure out how to track, which means you have two seconds to get ready to fight Jeremy: The lake house is this way. If we can get there, they won't be able to get inside Damon: Wait. You want to run? Jeremy: They're gonna kill Matt Damon: Fine. Get out of here. I'll slow them down (Matt and Jeremy are running) Matt: Jeremy?! Where are you? Jeremy: Keep going. We're almost there (A vampire catches Matt and tries to bite him but Elena throws him off Matt) Elena: Are you ok? Oh my god (Jeremy rushes toward them) Jeremy: Get to the house! Hurry! (They run to the house and enter. Elena looks outside) Elena: Jeremy, what's going on? Jeremy: They're coming [Gilbert's Lake house] (Jeremy is looking through the window and Elena is taking care of Matt. Damon's here) Jeremy: Sun's up. They're long gone (Elena gets up and looks at Damon) Elena: What the hell were you thinking? All I asked you to do was to teach him how to fight Damon: He's not the best student in the world Jeremy: Wait. Now this is my fault? Damon: Stop talking. Look. I know you're angry, but my way was the easiest, fastest, and safest way to complete his mark to get you the cure Elena: I don't care about the cure, Damon, not if it means putting the people that I love in danger Damon: Hey. There would have been no danger if he hadn't gone all bleeding hearts Elena: He killed someone. These were innocent people Damon: But the mark grew, didn't it? Elena: Ok. Look. We need a plan There's a group of compelled vampires out there, and as soon as the sun goes down, they're gonna come after Matt, so we have to find a way to protect him Damon: Yes, I know, but there will be no problem when big Jer and I here go on a hunting expedition. Elena, I know it's tragic, I get it, but we also agree that he had to kill them. Now we have added incentive, so you take the least most valuable player home, and Jeremy and I will finish this Elena: I'm sorry. Are you saying that I should leave him here with you? Damon: Trust me. I will keep him safe, ok? [Salvatore's House] (Stefan enters his bedroom. Rebekah is on his bed, reading his diary) Stefan: Ahem. I know you were, uh, daggered for a little while, but, uh, knocking is still a thing Rebekah: So is writing in your diary apparently. I'm just checking for doubts. You can never be too cautious when it comes to love. One minute, you're begging me to compel Elena from your mind, and the next, I'm up coffin creek with a dagger in my back Stefan: Right. Well, you can read it all you want. I'm done with her Rebekah: Until we find the cure, right? Hey. I'm talking to you Stefan: Oh, I know you are. I'm ignoring you Rebekah: Look. We're at a bit of a disadvantage in this whole race for the cure. Team Klaus has Jeremy the hunter; team Shane has Bonnie the witch Stefan: If you're here to remind me of our last place status, I'm very well aware Rebekah: Actually I have a plan. The cure is buried with Silas, that ancient evil guy my brother Kol is afraid of. Shane was so eager to prove his existence that he gave away that he has one of the keys to resurrecting him, his headstone Stefan: I see. You want to steal it Rebekah: Yes. And then team Shane will have to join team Rebekah, and team Klaus will be left out in the cold where he belongs [Whitmore's College] (Bonnie is in Shane's office. They're sitting at his desk. There's a lighten candle on the desk. Her eyes are closed) Shane: You know, just because your eyes are closed doesn't mean you're meditating. Come on. Use your breath. Use your breath to calm your nerves Bonnie: Great. So now I can't even meditate right? What else can I fail? Shane: Bonnie, you didn't fail Bonnie: I did an expression spell that almost killed April Shane: Exactly. Almost. Failing would have been actually killing her. You got, like, a d-minus Bonnie: It's not funny. I have all this power now, and I'm worried I won't be able to control it Shane: Bonnie, look at me. I'm here with you. You don't have anything to worry about. You are strong, you are focused. You are in complete control. You're here with me Bonnie: I'm in complete control (Sheriff Forbes enters with a deputy) Bonnie: Sheriff? Sheriff Forbes: Bonnie, I'm gonna need you to go (A deputy is handcuffing Shane) Shane: What the hell are you doing? Sheriff Forbes: We need to ask you a few questions Shane: Are you serious? I'm sure I can answer without the handcuffs. Come on. This isn't even your jurisdiction Sheriff Forbes: Well, then I guess we better get you to Mystic Falls ASAP Bonnie: Wait. Why are you doing this? Sheriff Forbes: That's something you should ask your dad [The Woods] (Damon's car is parked. Jeremy and him get out and open the trunk) Jeremy: You really think they went back to the bar? Damon: Where else are they gonna go? It's all cabins and vacation homes. They can't get in anywhere. All right. There you go Jeremy: Fine. Let's get this over with Damon: Listen. Just go one at a time, only shoot for the heart, don't hesitate, and don't miss Jeremy: Save the teaching moment. Elena's not here. You don't have to pretend like you give a damn about me Damon: I'm trying to keep you alive, dumbass. Come on [A bar] (Damon and Jeremy enter but the bar is empty. There is a lot of blood on the floor) Damon: Something's not right (They follow the blood and enter the back. The find all the vampires dead) Damon: Looks like we're gonna have to find some new vampires. What a waste Damon: What the hell happened? Kol: I confess. I did it Jeremy: Kol Kol: Jeremy, good to see you, mate. Sorry about the mess. It was a little crowded when I arrived, and I prefer more intimate gatherings. We 3 need to have a little chat. Care for a drink? Damon: He's underage, and I don't like you, so let's just cut to it Kol: My brother bragged about his plan to complete Jeremy's hunter's mark. It was easy enough to track this lot down. They were all hiding in the shadows. Now killing young vampires is easy or old ones for that matter Damon: Why? What's it to you either way? Kol: Because, you fools, in your zeal to find the cure, you risk waking someone very dangerous Damon: Oh. You must be talking about Silas Kol: What do you know of him? Damon: Nothing. Don't want to. Not our problem Kol: Isn't it? A few hundred years back, I came across a group that worshiped Silas. His followers told me that he would rise again, and when he did, he would trigger the end of all time. You know, being an immortal, you can see why I'm opposed to time's ending. I murdered all of them, and now here you are willing to risk raising him in your search for the cure. I can't exactly sit back and let that happen, can I? Damon: We're not gonna back off the cure because you were told one too many scary bedtime stories, you idiot Kol: Jeremy, we were mates in Colorado. You're a smart lad. Why don't you call off this imbecilic treasure hunt? Jeremy: I'm not calling anything off, mate Kol: Well, I could kill you, but then I'd have to deal with the hunter's curse, and I... I don't particularly feel like being haunted for the next century. Better idea. I'll just rip off your arms (Damon pushes Kol against a wall) Damon: Jeremy, run! (He struggles with Kol but Kol is stronger and strangles him from behind) [Whitmore College] (Stefan and Rebekah are looking everywhere but don't fine anything) Stefan: Well... Headstone's not here Rebekah: Don't ripper out on me. We'll find it. Oh, you're all bottled up. You need a release. Maybe we can find you a voodoo doll or something (She looks through Shane's drawer and finds a stash of herbs) Rebekah: Ah. This should do the trick. Exactly what you need. The Professor's stash of herbs Stefan: Not interested Rebekah: What happened to you? You were so much fun in the twenties Stefan: I was a psychotic killer with no emotions in the 1920s Rebekah: You may have been a killer, but you were far from emotionless, Stefan. You had a blast. I know you remember. The jazz, the booze, our little table at Gloria's. Don't make me compel it out of you Stefan: All right. Um... I guess we had a little bit of fun Rebekah: Thank you. So now that we've established that fun is, in fact, possible, maybe you'd like to start having some. Don't worry about the Professor. He won't be back any time soon. I made sure of that [Sheriff's Station] (Liz is interrogating Shane) Shane: You're accusing me of orchestrating a mass murder? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Sheriff Forbes: It's Mystic Falls. It's actually one of the least ridiculous things I've heard (Bonnie and her dad are watching the questioning on a small screen) Bonnie: He already explained this, dad. Pastor Young came to him for help. He was crazy Rudy: No. He was grief-stricken, and Shane took advantage of it. And somehow talked him into killing a house full of people Bonnie: It doesn't make any sense Rudy: I've met people like this, Bonnie. They're fast-talking, they're charismatic, they're manipulators. They prey on the weak-minded Bonnie: Mmm. And you're worried that's what he's doing to me. That's why you brought him in, isn't it? Rudy: No. We brought him in because April young told us what he did. Rebekah Mikaelson confirmed it. He confessed to her Bonnie: I'm going in there Rudy: Bonnie, no, you're not Bonnie: If he's gonna tell anyone what he did, it's me. Unless of course you think I'm too weak-minded (Bonnie enters the interrogating room. Liz looks at her) Sheriff Forbes: Bonnie, now is not the time Rudy: Let her talk (They leave the room. Bonnie sits in front of Shane) Shane: I think your dad's confused about the format of the parent-teacher conference Bonnie: I'm so sorry. Rebekah told them you confessed. I know she's lying Shane: You know, the truth is, she's not [Gilbert's House] (Matt and Elena enter) Elena: I'm so sorry. Listen. When I asked you to stay to Jeremy, I never thought... Matt: what did you expect, Elena? It's Damon Elena: I never wanted anyone to get hurt Matt: Well, then you shouldn't have left him in charge. Look. I'm sorry. I know you didn't have a choice... sire bond and all Elena: Sire bond doesn't work like that Matt: All I know, Elena, is that the old you would have never left Jeremy with Damon, especially after what happened last night (Elena's phone rings, she answers) Elena: Jeremy? Jeremy: Elena, we're in trouble Elena: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Where's Damon? Jeremy: Listen to me. Kol attacked us. I barely got away, but he's got Damon [Klaus' Mansion] Klaus: A bit ironic you coming to me for help. Weren't your friends just trying to bury me in a cement tomb? (He's talking to Elena) Elena: This is your fault. You started this when you forced Jeremy to kill those vampires Klaus: And my little brat of a brother has gone and made things worse. Well, he never did like Damon. I suppose I should do something, shouldn't I? Elena: Call him off, Klaus Klaus: You are in no position to make demands, love. Whilst I'd like to cure you to make more hybrids, I do have other reasons for finding the cure, not the least of which is destroying it so you lot can't use it against me Elena: Whatever our differences, we want the same thing. Please. Klaus, I'm begging you (Klaus finally calls Kol) Klaus: Little brother. Just two days home, and I'm told you've already gone and made a mess Kol: Come on, Nik. I was only having some fun Klaus: Those vampires were for my hunter Kol: Well, make some more. There's no shortage of people Klaus: Where's Damon Salvatore? Kol: I gave him a good and proper beating just for old time's sake Klaus: Yes. Well, you've had your fun. Now let him go and come home. Avoid any more trouble, or you'll find yourself back in a box Kol: Hey. No need to be nasty about it Klaus: On the contrary, I find nastiness to be essential whenever my siblings try to sabotage me. Listen closely, Kol. Stay away from the Gilbert boy. Understand? Kol: Fine. I won't touch him. You have my word [A bar] (Kol hangs up and looks at Damon. He's got a piece a wood in his chest) Kol: Very good, darling. Now stab yourself a little bit further (Damon does as he's told and groans) Damon: If you're gonna kill me, do it like a man Kol: I don't want to kill you. I just wanted to make sure you could be compelled Damon: I'm gonna rip out your spleen Kol: You ought to be thanking me. You don't really want the cure found. You fancy Elena. I mean, even more now that she's a vampire. Admit it. The last vestige of her humanity is her annoying little brother Jeremy, and deep, deep down, I bet you want him dead, don't you? Damon: Nope Kol: You're lying. I bet you'd love to rip his head right off... And I'm gonna give you your wish (He compels him) Kol: You're not gonna remember what I say, but you're going to find Jeremy Gilbert, and when you do, you're going to kill him [Gilbert's House] (Elena is in the kitchen. Jeremy is gathering all his weapons on the table) Elena: Jeremy, it's over. You can put all this away Jeremy: Klaus still wants me to finish the mark. He's not gonna stop Elena: Ok. Well, Damon's gonna be back soon, and then we can figure something out Jeremy: Seriously? You still trust Damon? Elena: He saved your life Jeremy: He saved the map to the cure. He couldn't care less about me Elena: I care about you Jeremy: Don't. Whatever's inside of me that makes me want to hunt, right now it's on overdrive Elena: Jeremy Jeremy: I'm sorry. I know what I have to do, Elena. I really want to get that cure for you, but.... I just... I don't how I'm gonna do this [Whitmore College] (Rebekah is smoking and Stefan is looking around) Stefan: So much random crap in here Rebekah: Crap, maybe. Random, no. Looks like Shane has a bit of an afterlife fetish. Hopi prayer feathers, the Han dynasty soul vase, and that is a Polynesian sacrificial knife (He takes the knife) Rebekah: Brutal way to die, but at least you appease the gods Stefan: Since when did you become such an artifact expert? Rebekah: I enjoy other cultures, Stefan. I know that might be hard for you to understand considering you dated a child who only thinks about herself. Still a sensitive subject, I see. Do you know why I wouldn't compel Elena from your memory? Stefan: Because you wanted me to suffer Rebekah: I did. It's the only way you'll learn. It took me a thousand years and hundreds of betrayals to realize that love, caring ruins you Stefan: That's awfully bleak Rebekah: Quite the opposite. It's liberating actually. You know why we had so much fun in the twenties, Stefan? Because we didn't care. We just did what felt good... drinking, feeding, s*x Stefan: The s*x wasn't good because we didn't care. It was good because you're crazy. Crazy s*x is always good Rebekah: You were hardly the model of sanity. Stop... Caring (They're interrupted when someone enters. They disappear. The man looks around and finds where the headstone is hidden. He's about to take it when Rebekah catches him) Rebekah: Good. You found it. Question is who are you? [Gilbert's House] (Elena opens the door. Damon's on the porch) Elena: What happened? Are you ok? Damon: Kol happened Elena: Thank God you both got away. If Kol had taken Jeremy Damon: Is he here? I just want to talk to him really fast Elena: He's at the grill. He wanted to check on Matt Damon: Well, I should go apologize to him. I was... I was pretty tough on him today [Sheriff's Department] (Bonnie enters the interrogation room to talk to Shane) Bonnie: Told my dad to give us a minute. Camera's off. You can talk Shane: Are you sure about that? Bonnie: Yeah. I don't lie. I'm not you Shane: Look. I always gonna tell you the truth. I just kept putting it off because I was worried how you'd react Bonnie: Bad. That's how I react to murder Shane: I'm not a killer, Bonnie. Pastor Young was depressed... Bonnie: I've heard this. Skip to the part where you convince him to massacre 11 people Shane: It wasn't a massacre. It was a ritual. It was something necessary to raise Silas and get the cure that your friends so desperately want Bonnie: If they knew people had to die... Shane: it doesn't matter if they die. Silas will bring them back Bonnie: You're crazy Shane: I'm not crazy. I'm just passionate Bonnie: You're full on crazy Shane: Do you remember our first session? It was about your grams, right? You thought every time you did magic you were causing her pain. Aren't you curious what's happening to her now? Wouldn't you like to see her again? [SCENE_BREAK] [Mystic Grill] (Matt is working. Damon and Elena rejoin him) Damon: Don't you ever take a night off? Matt: I took two days off to help you out at the lake house, remember? I almost got killed Damon: Where's Jeremy? Matt: He's in the back I think (He leaves them) Elena: Are you doing ok? Matt: Yeah. All things considered (Elena rejoins Damon) Elena: Damon. Are you all right? What's going on? Damon, what is wrong with you? Damon: It was Kol. He must have compelled me. If I find Jeremy... I might kill him [The Tunnels] (Jeremy is running. Damon is going after him) Damon: Jeremy... Get out of here! Do you hear me? Don't stop. Kol compelled me. There's nothing I can do! You can't hide in here, Jer. If I find you, you're dead. Jeremy, are you listening to me? You better run! I am coming to kill you. You need to go now! [Whitmore's College] (Rebekah is torturing the intruder) Rebekah: All you have to do to make it stop is tell me who sent you. You're full of vervain, so I know you haven't been compelled Stefan: Or maybe somebody compelled him before he ingested it Rebekah: He was after the headstone. We need to know who sent him Stefan: Ok. Fine. So we take him home, wait till the vervain is out of his system, and then compel him and get whatever information we want Rebekah: That's not a bad idea (The intruder coughs blood) Stefan: He just bit off his own tongue Rebekah: So he does know something (The intruder kills himself) Stefan: I guess he was compelled Rebekah: Was it my b*st*rd brother or yours? Stefan: Maybe it's option number 3. There's another team in the race [Sheriff's Department] Bonnie: You're saying if I help you raise Silas you can bring my grams back? Don't play on my guilt, Shane Shane: I'm not playing on anything. This is the truth. You told me what happened. Your reckless use of magic is the reason... Bonnie: Don't Shane: Is the reason those spirits are torturing her on the other side Bonnie: Don't Shane: Hurting her again and again and again Bonnie: I said don't! (She uses her powers on him) Shane: You can't stop, can you? All this power that you're feeling, you actually like it, don't you? (She makes him suffer) Shane: Aah! Aah! Ugh. Look at yourself, Bonnie. Look at yourself, Bonnie (Rudy enters) Rudy: Bonnie, what are you doing? Bonnie: Get out! Get out of here! (She throws water on the floor and sets it on fire with her powers) Rudy: Bonnie, stop! Shane: You can't reason with her, mayor. She's lost control Rudy: Bonnie, baby, baby. Please. Do something! Shane: Bonnie... Bonnie, look at me! Now take a deep breath. I'm right here with you. You are in complete control. That's it (She stops and leaves the room) Shane: Your daughter... Is a prodigy. With my guidance... She'll be one of the most powerful witches in the world... But without it... whew... she's a time bomb [Whitmore College] (Stefan and Rebekah are looking at the intruder's body. Stefan's phone rings. She takes it and answers) Rebekah: Hello, Elena Elena: What did you to Stefan? Rebekah: Rescued him from his old, dull life, but it keeps calling. Stefan's not in the mood to talk right now Elena: Then he can listen. I know might not care about me right now, Stefan, but Kol compelled Damon to kill Jeremy. They're somewhere in the tunnels, and I... it's one giant maze down here, and I can't find them, so if you still care about the cure or about Jeremy, then maybe you can come help (Nobody answers) Elena: Okay (She hangs up. Rebekah looks at Stefan) Rebekah: That is an interesting predicament for both of us [Old Lockwood Cellar] (Jeremy has arrived in the tunnel. Damon is near) Damon: Did you miss the part where I said I'm compelled? Don't stop! Seriously? You're being hunted by a vampire, and now you're bleeding? (He arrives in the cellar and Jeremy catches him from behind) Damon: Dumb move, Jer. You can't fight me in closed quarters Jeremy: It was worth a shot (He aims his gun at him) Damon: You're gonna have to shoot me, Jeremy, in the heart. I'm not gonna be able to stop myself. Jeremy, you are a hunter. You know what to do. Do it. Do it! (Jeremy shoots him) (Damon wakes up. Jeremy shot him in the head. He removes the bullet) Damon: He shot me in the head. Stupid idiot... Borderline brain-dead moron! That was dumb, Jeremy. Should have killed me when you had the chance [Klaus' Mansion] (Kol is about to leave but Rebekah puts a dagger against his back) Rebekah: Going somewhere? I would if I were you. If Damon kills the hunter, Nik will not be pleased Kol: I told Nik I wouldn't touch the kid. I didn't Rebekah: Oh. Well, that was clever. I'm sure he'll really appreciate it Kol: You'd really dagger me? Rebekah: If I do, Damon's compulsion ends and this is all over Kol: And then you're no better than Niklaus. Daggering siblings when you disagree with them... look at what this family has become. I mean, Elijah won't even show his face he's so disgusted by our bickering. This cure has ruined us, and it hasn't even been found yet. Just imagine what would happen if it is Rebekah: This family was ruined long before we knew about the cure. Kol! I won't let you raise Silas Klaus: Enough of this foolishness. Put it down, Kol (Kol leaves) Rebekah: He was going to kill me Klaus: Well, then, I think you need a lesson in how to properly dagger a sibling Rebekah: Burn in hell (She leaves) [The woods] (Jeremy is running but he's hurt. He falls on the ground. He looks at his arm. Damon arrives but Elena runs after him) Elena: Damon, stop! I know that you don't want to hurt Jeremy, so please stop Damon: I can't Elena: Yes, you can. You're strong enough to resist the compulsion. I know that you are Damon: Why, because Stefan did? Elena: Because I love you, because you love me. You'd do anything for me, so please... Do this for me Damon: I'm sorry, Elena Elena: Damon! (Jeremy raises his gun) Damon: Jeremy. Shoot now (Stefan arrives) Stefan: Hey, brother. Long time, no see (He breaks his neck. He looks at Elena) Stefan: You're welcome [Salvatore's House] (Damon wakes up in a cell. Stefan's here. Damon tries to get up and groans) Stefan: Easy there, buddy. You lost a lot of blood Damon: So you bled me out? Stefan: Yeah. I didn't really have much of a choice. Kol's compulsion is still in effect, so you need to stay locked up. We don't have any vervain, so... This was the only way I could weaken you Damon: You sound real torn up about it. Shouldn't we be going after Kol, make him decompel me Stefan: Yeah, yeah, sure. That sounds easy enough, Damon. I'll get right on that Damon: At least let me see Elena Stefan: Come on. You know you can't do that. With the sire bond, all you have to do is tell her to let you out of here Damon: You're really enjoying this, aren't you? Stefan: It's better for Elena if you stay in here for now, at least until we find the cure, and then once she's no longer sired and you're no longer compelled, you can both do whatever the hell you want (Stefan closes the door) Damon: Stefan, wait. Stefan! (Stefan is going to the living room but Elena arrives) Stefan: Going to see Damon? Elena: I need to talk to him Stefan: Well, you can't. He'll just ask you to let him out Elena: I won't let him out Stefan: You won't have a choice. You're sired. Is that all? Elena: Stefan, what are you doing with Rebekah? She tried to kill me Stefan: And this will be the second time that Damon tried to kill Jeremy. So I guess nobody's perfect, right? Elena: Are you trying to punish me? I don't know how many times I can apologize Stefan: I never asked you to. You can do whatever you want, Elena. I really don't care Elena: You're hurt. You're hurt, and you're acting out, Stefan. This isn't you Stefan: Sure it is. You've just never seen me like this. You don't know what I look like when I'm not in love with you. I'll let Damon know you stopped by [Mystic Grill] (Rudy and Bonnie are sitting at a table) Bonnie: I owe you an apology Rudy: You don't owe me anything. I'm not happy to be right. I'm gonna get you some help Bonnie: Help? Dad, I'm ok Rudy: Are you kidding me? Bonnie: I got angry I admit, but I knew what I was doing Rudy: You lost control, and Shane said... Bonnie: Didn't we just establish that we couldn't trust him? He's trying to get under your skin Rudy: The only thing that got under my skin is what I saw, which is my daughter using dangerous magic! And the fact that you don't think you need help means you need it even more [Gilbert's House] (Elena and Jeremy open the door. Klaus is here) Klaus: Good evening, Gilbert clan Elena: What do you want, Klaus? Klaus: I've come to fetch my hunter. Seeing as how my brother's become a liability, Jeremy will be safer with me Jeremy: I think I'll pass. I've killed enough people for you today Klaus: You think you're safer here? Hmm. Clearly you don't know Kol. He'll stop at nothing to get what he wants, as strange as it may seem, I'm your best bet Elena: Sorry, but I think we'd rather take our chances Klaus: Fine, but when Kol does come... and he will come... be sure to let me know, preferably before he burns your nice little home to the ground. And as for you, hunter, there's no shortage of people to turn and loved ones to threaten, so sleep well. We'll plan on finishing our work tomorrow [Rebekah's House] (Rebekah is in her bedroom, drinking. Stefan enters) Rebekah: Sure. Just barge right in Stefan: Oh. I thought not knocking was our thing. You didn't dagger Kol. Rebekah: Well, the white oak stake pointed at my heart made things a little difficult. I do believe my brother Kol has finally lost his mind Stefan: That's all right. Jeremy's still alive, and I took care of Damon. So where'd you put it? Rebekah: The headstone. Some place safe Stefan: Wasn't really our deal Rebekah: Well, considering that you've betrayed me twice and I've betrayed you never, I think I'm acting brilliantly, especially since we have no idea why that guy was looking for it. Did you work things out with Elena? Stefan: Do you care? Rebekah: Nope. Just trying to figure out why you're here Stefan: Do you even have to ask? Rebekah: No feelings, no attachments Stefan: None... Whatsoever [Gilbert's house] Jeremy: This is never gonna end. If Kol doesn't kill me first, then Klaus is just gonna force me to kill more innocent people. How many is it gonna take, 10, 100? Elena: If you kill one original vampire, their entire sire line will die with them. That's thousands, maybe tens of thousands of vampires. Kol compelled Damon to kill you. You're gonna kill Kol instead

Plan: A: The episode; Q: What begins at the bar? A: Klaus; Q: Who does Elena go to for help in killing Kol? A: Elena's intervention; Q: Who intervenes to save Jeremy and Matt from the vampires? A: the lake house; Q: Where do Jeremy and Matt run to after being attacked by the vampires? A: The next day; Q: When does Elena scold Damon for using innocent people? A: the job; Q: What does Damon say Jeremy needs to finish? A: Rebekah; Q: Who does Stefan have sex with? A: a plan; Q: What does Rebekah say she has? A: Silas' headstone; Q: What does Rebekah want to steal? A: arrests Shane; Q: Who does Sheriff Forbes arrest? A: Kol; Q: Who killed the cult that worshipped Silas? A: Jeremy's arm; Q: What does Kol try to rip off of Jeremy? A: a fight; Q: What does Damon get into with Kol? A: Shane talks; Q: Who does Bonnie's father say manipulates the weak minded? A: the interrogation room; Q: Where does Bonnie's father confess to the mass murder? A: Kol's attack; Q: Who killed the vampires? A: the cure; Q: What do Elena and Klaus both want? A: their old relationship; Q: What do Rebekah and Stefan talk about in Shane's study? A: fun; Q: What does Rebekah say she and Stefan had? A: Shane's study room; Q: Where do Rebekah and Stefan look for the headstone? A: her grandmother; Q: Who does Shane remind Bonnie of? A: a time bomb; Q: What does Bonnie's father call her? A: an isolated room; Q: Where does Jeremy run to? A: the man; Q: Who does Rebekah torture? A: Damon corners Jeremy; Q: Who corners Jeremy? A: a head start; Q: What does Jeremy get when he shoots Damon in the head? A: Kol heads; Q: Who kills the vampires? A: the white ash dagger; Q: What does Kol have that stops Rebekah from daggering him? A: a forest; Q: Where does the chase end up? A: her feelings; Q: What does Elena try to use to get Damon to ignore the compulsion? A: the Salvatore house; Q: Where does Stefan take Damon after he is compelled to kill Jeremy? A: the Gilbert house; Q: Where does Klaus go to take Jeremy? Summary: The episode begins at the bar, where Jeremy refuses to kill the new vampires. Klaus threatens to compel them to attack Matt in order to force Jeremy to kill them. Matt is injured and he and Jeremy run for it. They are attacked by the vampires before Elena's intervention. They make it back to the lake house. The next day Elena scolds Damon for using innocent people. They realize the vampires will return and Damon says Jeremy finishing the job will be necessary. Rebekah visits Stefan, telling him she has a plan; to steal Silas' headstone, forcing Shane to join forces with them. Sheriff Forbes arrives and arrests Shane. Damon and Jeremy head back to the bar and find the vampires have already been killed by Kol. Kol tells them that long ago he killed a cult that worshipped Silas, and how he can't allow Silas to awaken. Kol attempts to rip Jeremy's arm off but gets into a fight with Damon. Bonnie and her father talk to each other, and he tells her that Shane is the type of person who manipulates the weak minded. Shane talks to Bonnie in the interrogation room and he confesses to the mass murder that occurred over the season's course. Elena goes to Klaus, asking him to call off Kol's attack. She reminds him that they both want the cure, and Klaus calmly calls Kol off, warning him to stay away from Jeremy. Regardless, Kol tortures Damon and compels him into hunting Jeremy. In Shane's study, Rebekah and Stefan look for the headstone, and talk about their old relationship. Rebekah says they had fun, but they didn't care; so Rebekah tells him to stop caring. A man walks into Shane's study room but is cornered by Rebekah. Meanwhile, Bonnie calls Shane out for the mass murder, but Shane tells her that Silas will resurrect the murder victims. Bonnie refuses to listen before Shane reminds her of her grandmother, and that she can see her again. Afterwards, Shane tells Bonnie's father that she could be the most powerful witch on earth, or a time bomb. Soon, Damon goes to the bar where Matt works and Jeremy is there. Jeremy runs into an isolated room and Damon tells Elena Kol ordered him to kill Jeremy. Jeremy finds a hidden cave, Damon follows him, warning that he is out to get him and tells him to run away. In Shane's study, Rebekah tortures the man, only for him to spit out his tongue and kill himself. Elena calls Stefan, asking for his help, but he doesn't seem to listen. Damon corners Jeremy, who shoots him in the head, giving Jeremy a head start. Kol heads back into town and meets with Rebekah, who tries to dagger him, but Kol has the white ash dagger and is stopped by Klaus. Back at the chase, which is now in a forest, Elena tries to use her feelings to get Damon to ignore the compulsion. It doesn't work, but he stops when Stefan subdues him. He takes Damon back to the Salvatore house, where he locks Damon up. He says once Elena is cured and Damon is un-compelled, then they can do what they want. Elena shows up and Stefan says she can't see Damon. Elena tells him he's hurt, that's why he's acting out, but Stefan tells her that he just isn't in love with her any more. Bonnie has dinner with her father, who says he's getting her help. Stefan goes to see Rebekah asking about the headstone but she changes the subject; asking if he's over Elena. He says yes and has sex with Rebekah. Klaus shows up at the Gilbert house, saying he intends to take Jeremy with him, insisting only he can protect Jeremy from Kol. They refuse, and Elena works on a plan to kill Kol.

INT. COUNTRY BAR - NIGHT (MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) VANESSA: I hate happy hour. Make a hole, people! CAROL: So at least two of your Marine buddies have disappeared and you think you could be next? Why? ATLAS: Do you have to write down everything I say? CAROL: I'm a reporter. It's what I do. ATLAS: I thought this was supposed to be a date. Look, if it turns out to be true, and if I'm next, you could end up dead, too. CAROL: And if my husband finds out about us, I'll be dead anyway. ATLAS: I didn't order a drink. CAROL: Is your name Atlas? ATLAS: Yeah. CAROL: Then I guess you've got a secret admirer. Enjoy. ATLAS: We should have gone to a hotel. CAROL: It's probably somebody you know. ATLAS: That's what I'm afraid of. I'll call you. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT (SFX: MUSIC B.G.) ATLAS: (WEAKLY) I should have told... (ATLAS FALLS TO THE GROUND) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER FLOOR - NIGHT (SFX: WATER DRIPS B.G.) (ATLAS SITS UP AND LOOKS AROUND) (SFX: CHAIN CLATTERS) (ATLAS SCREAMS) (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/ SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY "MISSING"(SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.) KATE: I thought you couldn't type. TONY: I've decided to improve myself. KATE: Well, in that case, you might want to lose that shirt. It went out of style three years ago. TONY: This from a girl who keeps a pukka shell necklace in her purse. KATE: My grandma gave me those. Wait, you looked in my purse? TONY: Sorry, did I say that aloud? KATE: Tony, you are so lucky you didn't have sisters growing up. TONY: Why is that? KATE: Because you'd never have reached puberty. Of course one could argue you still haven't reached it. Very professional. TONY: It's my lunch break. KATE: It's nine-thirty in the morning. TONY: I'm on Greenwich Mean Time. KATE: You're going to be on unemployment if Gibbs catches you doing that. GIBBS: Catch him doing what, Kate? KATE: Nothing. Um... I was just giving Tony here some fashion advice. GIBBS: On what? KATE: Oh, he was just thinking about... getting both of his ears pierced. GIBBS: That right, DiNozzo? TONY: I think Kate misunderstood, boss. What I was really talking about was elongating the lobe. GIBBS: Hey, if you want to look like a gay pirate, that's your call. KATE: I thought you were going to an anti-terrorism conference today, Gibbs? GIBBS: Change in plan. A Marine Gunnery Sergeant didn't show up for duty this week. TONY: Since when do we track down U-A Marines? GIBBS: Since he's one of a handful of people who knows how to arm small yield nuclear weapons. His S.R.B. I've got forty-five minutes to memorize it. And Tony? If that game's still on your computer in the morning, I'll pierce your ears myself. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. COUNTRY BAR - DAY GIBBS: How long has the pick-up truck been in your lot? VANESSA: Since Friday night. KATE: Five days? Why wait so long to report it? VANESSA: Figured somebody got lucky, went home in a different car. Happens around here a lot. TONY: I'll bet it does. The guy we're looking for is a Marine. VANESSA: Yeah. We get a lot of those around here. Me? I like a man with hair. KATE: What about him? His name is Gunnery Sergeant Bill Atlas. VANESSA: Yeah, sure. He was here Friday night. Is he all right? KATE: That's what we're trying to find out. GIBBS: Was he here with anyone? VANESSA: Yeah. Red head. Good looking. I think they're having an affair. GIBBS: What makes you say that? VANESSA: Because he went out the back and she went out the front. GIBBS: Kate you stay here. Get a description of the woman and check out his pick up truck. DiNozzo, you're with me. TONY: Uh... if you remember anything else, don't hesitate to call. VANESSA: What if I don't remember anything else? TONY: Don't hesitate to call. VANESSA: You got it, cowboy. (TONY WALKS O.S.) VANESSA: He is cute. What's his deal? KATE: Tony? VANESSA: Uh-huh. KATE: He's a nice guy. VANESSA: You two aren't... uh... you know. KATE: Oh. No. No. No way. We're just co-workers. VANESSA: Cool. I'm a sucker for a man in a checkered shirt. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY TONY: Any chance Atlas decided to walk away from it all? GIBBS: The man could retire in a year. Nobody walks away from a twenty year pension. TONY: Then it doesn't look good for him. Statistically, most bodies turn up dead after four days. GIBBS: Four days, huh? Really, DiNozzo. Thanks for sharing. TONY: Well, I know you know. I'm just saying-- GIBBS: I'm not big on statistics. TONY: I kind of figured. I mean, since most marriages end in divorce, and you've been married three.... Maybe it's like the waitress said, he got lucky. GIBBS: Spread out. I want to know why Atlas never got back to his truck. (INTERCUT SERIES OF FLASH PHOTOS) GIBBS: DiNozzo! Hey! Get your butt over here. VANESSA: Is he always like that? TONY: Uh, only when he's awake. GIBBS: Atlas was forced to leave here. No Marine would leave a Zippo like this behind. TONY: I've got an unsmoked cigarette here. GIBBS: Bag it. TONY: What're you thinking, Boss? GIBBS: Wherever Atlas is... his luck is running out. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - DAY (SFX: WATER DRIPS B.G.) ATLAS: You don't have to do this. Just tell me... just tell me what you want. What about some food? Can I at least have some food? (SHOUTS) Say something! Who the hell are you?! (ATLAS SHOUTS AND PULLS ON THE CHAIN) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BAR - DAY KATE: I've got a rough sketch of the woman Atlas was having an affair with. It's not much to go on, but if he was having an affair with a married woman then we have a motive for someone wanting him to vanish. GIBBS: Pull his phone records. See if we can't match that face with a phone number. KATE: I already made a request for the subpoena. GIBBS: Oh, DiNozzo. He's about a step from vanishing himself. (SHOUTS) Hey! TONY: Ciao, bella. WOMAN: See you.(TONY WALKS TO GIBBS) TONY: I got her name, boss. GIBBS: Do I look like I care, DiNozzo? Let's go. TONY: The woman with Atlas, her name's Carol Powers. I got the waitress to remember she paid using a credit card. She's a reporter for The Post. I can have her in our office in an hour if you're interested. GIBBS: Good job. TONY: I'm sorry, boss. Did you say something? Did he just say something, Kate? KATE: Don't push it, Tony. TONY: Pushing it is what I love about this job. That and the beautiful girls. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: I appreciate you coming down here on such short notice, Mrs. Powers. Please, have a seat. CAROL: Can the polite act, Agent Todd. What exactly do you want from me? KATE: Information. CAROL: About what? KATE: Your relationship with Gunnery Sergeant Atlas. CAROL: Who? KATE: Look familiar? CAROL: Ah yeah. Maybe. I'm a reporter. I've interviewed dozens of Marines. KATE: The thing is, this Marine disappeared five days ago. My job is to get him back. CAROL: What's that got to do with me? KATE: Does your husband know you're having an affair? CAROL: Excuse me? KATE: I'll take that as a no. CAROL: I think we're done here. TONY: Here's the phone number you requested, Agent Todd. KATE: Should I try your husband at home or work this time of day, Mrs. Powers? (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY CAROL: I don't know what happened to Atlas, okay? But my husband had nothing to do with this. GIBBS: So he knew you were having an affair? CAROL: No! Derek was on assignment... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY CAROL: ... in Italy, and he just got back last night. You can check with The Post, they'll vouch for him. GIBBS: Oh, I will. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: (V.O.) How did you meet Atlas? CAROL: (V.O.) Uh... at a bar three weeks ago. He said he had a... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERVIEW ROOM CAROL: ... story that I might be interested in. GIBBS: Do you sleep with anyone who offers you a story, or is that one of the fringe benefits? CAROL: This is a nightmare. GIBBS: What story did Atlas tell you? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY CAROL: He thought someone might have killed his friends and that he could be next. GIBBS: (V.O.) Did he say why? CAROL: He wouldn't tell me. I thought it might be connected with his work in Iraq. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY CAROL: Some kind of cover up. GIBBS: It says here you write articles on home improvement. CAROL: Gardens mostly. I just... I thought if I could get a story like this, I could... GIBBS: Oh, yeah. I understand. Most reporters... they'd absolutely kill for a scoop like this. CAROL: He tried to warn me. He told me that if he talked, something like this might happen. GIBBS: Something like what? CAROL: Someone in his unit would kill him. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY KATE: I think she's telling the truth. TONY: The question is was Gunnery Sergeant Atlas? Some guys will say anything to get a woman into bed. KATE: Well, she's a reporter. I doubt she'd fall for something like that. TONY: You're kidding, right? KATE: What do you mean? TONY: All men lie to some degree, Kate. It's expected of them. KATE: All right, well don't confuse your world with reality, Tony. TONY: It's like when a woman asks a man to guess her age. Have you ever done that? Do you honestly still believe you still look twenty five? KATE: Not anymore. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - DAY CAROL: I've never done anything like this before. I only wanted a story.(GIBBS AND CAROL WALK TO SQUAD ROOM) GIBBS: You got one. CAROL: Is there any way, anything that I can do to keep my husband out of this? GIBBS: Truth? Nope. CAROL: You know, I could publish what Atlas told me. It wouldn't look so good for the Marine Corps. (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: I don't read The Post. Watch your step. CAROL: Regardless of what you may think of me, Agent Gibbs, I truly hope that you find Bill and that he's still alive. GIBBS: Me, too.(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) KATE: You were pretty tough on her in there. GIBBS: Yes, she reminds me of my ex-wife. TONY: Which one? GIBBS: All of them. Did her husband's story check out? TONY: He was in Italy, arrived at Reagan National last night at twenty one sixteen. Looks like a dead end. KATE: Do you believe that story about a cover-up in Iraq, Gibbs? GIBBS: I don't know. I'm more concerned about what's happening here. KATE: Meaning? GIBBS: Meaning Atlas was a twenty three thirty six. TONY: Explosive Ordinance Disposal Technician. Guys can make or disarm anything from a grenade to a... backpack nuke. GIBBS: If someone's kidnapping E-O-D personnel, I want to know why. KATE: Terrorists? GIBBS: Is anyone missing from Atlas' unit? KATE: They're all accounted for. But I might have something else here. A new C.O. checked into his command last month, Major Joe Sacco. His record's clean except for a non-punitive letter of punishment from when he was a First Lieutenant. GIBBS: For what? KATE: He got into a fight with a couple of enlisted men in ninety two. Atlas was one of them. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. We're on our way. (TO KATE) Abby's found something. KATE: Do you think Atlas is still alive? TONY: No ransom note? Been missing over five days? I'd say the odds were against him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - DAY (SFX: ATLAS DRINKS FROM THE GROUND) ATLAS: What are you doing, you sick b*st*rd? Do you think you can make me talk? (ATLAS SHOUTS) ATLAS: Who are you? What is the name of your organization? (SFX: WASPS BUZZ B.G.) (SFX: ATLAS SCREAMS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: Hi, guys! GIBBS TONY AND KATE: (IN UNISON) Hey, Abby. ABBY: I think I found out how they found your missing Marine. KATE: From one cigarette butt? ABBY: Well, I was kind of bored, so I thought it'd be fun to run every single test I could think of. I was almost to a rape kit when... I mentioned I was a little bored earlier, right? GIBBS: Yeah, we noticed, Abs. TONY: What the hell is that? ABBY: I'm building a model of Gallipoli. See, these guys over here... GIBBS: Why? ABBY: Because I like the way it sounds. Gallipoli. Gallipoli. Gallipoli. Gallipoli. Gallipoli. Gallipoli. GIBBS: Stop. TONY: Is this one a Turk or an Anzac. ABBY: Um, actually he's uh... GIBBS: What'd you find? ABBY: Atlas' DNA was on the cigarette. So most likely it's his. TONY: That's it?! ABBY: I wasn't finished yet, Tony. I also found high concentrations of ephedrine, dihydrocodeine and caffeine. Sound familiar? TONY AND GIBBS: Bron. ABBY: And from the way it was concentrated, it looks like he ingested enough to knock out a racehorse. KATE: Bron? TONY: It's a mixture of speed and codeine. It's illegal here by available over the counter in the Philippines and Okinawa, Japan. KATE: Okinawa? That was Major Sacco's last duty station. GIBBS: Check out the ride. We're going to Quantico. TONY: Oh, boss. Rush hour. Real bad idea to get on the road about now. I'll be outside. KATE: Good job, Abby. ABBY: Thanks, Kate. GIBBS: Hey Abby, still bored? ABBY: Well yeah, maybe a little. GIBBS: I think I have a more constructive way for you to spend your time. I need some help. ABBY: Okay. GIBBS: By the way, Gallipoli was an amphibious operation. ABBY: Oh... hmm. Well, it's on Styrofoam so it'll float. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FREEWAY - DAY (SFX: CARS HONK B.G.) TONY: (V.O.) Rush hour. (ON CAMERA) It's kind of a misnomer if you ask me. GIBBS: I didn't. TONY: I mean, it's not like anybody's really rushing anywhere, and it always takes more than an hour. They should call it like-- GIBBS: Shut up and sit there before I shoot you hour. TONY: I was thinking of something a little shorter. (SFX: TONY SLURPS THE DRINK) (GIBBS THROWS THE CUP OUT THE WINDOW) TONY: That's littering. GIBBS: Fine me. KATE: (INTO PHONE) No, I'm still here. Thanks, Corporal. (TO GIBBS) Major Sacco is in the field right now. GIBBS: Doing what? KATE: According to his office, disarming a bomb. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. DIRT ROAD - DAY JACKSON: We've got five minutes here. Looks like closed circuit. DAVIS: Five minutes I can disarm a nuke sub. Checking for secondary initiators. We are clear. Thank you, Sir. Watch and learn, my friend. Most people prefer the blue wire. Me? I'm partial to-- (SFX: BEEP TONE) JACKSON: What the hell did you just do? DAVIS: Nothing. I didn't touch nothing. (SFX: RAPID BEEP TONES) (SFX: HUGE EXPLOSION) SACCO: Way to go, MacGyver. If that were real we'd be washing you off the streets of Baghdad right now. Never assume that timer is accurate. The bad guys watch movies, too. JACKSON: Yes, Sir. GIBBS: Major Sacco! Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. We need to talk. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. RANGE - DAY SACCO: It wouldn't surprise me if Atlas showed up tomorrow still hung over. TONY: He pulled a disappearing act before? SACCO: Never this long, but he's had some alcohol related problems in the past. GIBBS: You've got a missing Marine, Major. You don't seem too concerned about it. SACCO: My only concern right now is getting my men ready to deploy to Iraq. GIBBS: What about the Gunny? Is he deployable? SACCO: Unfortunately. I've served with Atlas before. In my opinion, we're better off without him. GIBBS: Yeah? Why's that? SACCO: He's a marginal Marine. KATE: Seems like the two of you had some person problems, Major. SACCO: You could say that, Agent Todd. GIBBS: Tell me about them. SACCO: If you're interested, you can read about it in my record book. GIBBS: I have. You two got in a fist fight in ninety two. About what? SACCO: Nothing. A couple of my men got drunk one night. Atlas took a swing at me. I overreacted. DAVIS: Sir, demo's waiting. They're waiting on your command. SACCO: Roger that, Corporal. (TO GIBBS) We only have this range for another hour. When you find Atlas, let him know that I have a charge sheet waiting for him. (SACCO WALKS O.S.) KATE: He's hiding something. GIBBS: Oh, yeah. TONY: The question is what? GIBBS: You two might want to cover your-- (SFX: HUGE EXPLOSION) GIBBS: ...ears. (TONY LAUGHS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - MOVING (SFX: CAR DRIVES OVER DIRT ROAD) TONY: Boss, is there a reason why you only take these back roads?(SFX: CAR ENGINE B.G.) KATE: Or do you just hate us? GIBBS: I hate traffic more. TONY: I think I'm going to puke. GIBBS: Roll down the window! TONY: Oh...(SFX: PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: Here, answer this! ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey Gibbs, it's me, Abby. I've got... KATE: (INTO PHONE) It's Kate!(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Hey, Kate. Where's the boss man? (SCENE CUT) KATE: (INTO PHONE) He's driving! We should be back soon. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Oh, is he taking you on one of his special shortcuts? (SCENE CUT) KATE: (INTO PHONE) If that's what you want to call it! (SCENE CUT) KATE: (V.O./FILTERED) What's up?! ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Well, Gibbs asked me to do some background on Atlas and Sacco, and... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) ...I found something interesting. KATE: (INTO PHONE) You're going to have to speak up! Gibbs is apparently trying to kill us! (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Three other Marines have gone missing from E.O.D. units in the last eight years. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: What's she saying? KATE: (SHOUTS) Three Marines have gone missing from E.O.D units. GIBBS: Why didn't we hear that? KATE: (SHOUTS/INTO PHONE) Why didn't we hear about it? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) They're carried as deserters by the Marine Corps rolls after thirty days. (SCENE CUT) KATE: They're considered deserters. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) They all have two things in common... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ...with Atlas. They all served together in the Philippines in nineteen ninety two. And their platoon commander was Joe Sacco. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - DAY ATLAS: (WEAKLY) I can't... I can't...(ATLAS MOANS/ SWINGS AT THE WASPS) (CUT TO BLACK) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Corporal Tom O'Conner, reported U-A on August second, ninety six. Sergeant Rick Hall... reported U-A March eleventh, ninety eight. Staff Sergeant John Mohs, reported U-A on December tenth, two thousand. And now Gunnery Sergeant Atlas, five days ago. All four served in the Philippines in ninety two with Joe Sacco, and all four subsequently disappeared without a trace. TONY: So why is it no one else picked up on this before us? KATE: Well, we wouldn't have picked up on it if Abby wasn't bored. These men were considered deserters. Nobody ever connected them until we did today. TONY: So let's pick up Sacco, find out what's going on. GIBBS: Not yet. KATE: Well, I think he's right, Gibbs. I mean, we could be dealing with a potential serial killer here. GIBBS: What if it's not Sacco? KATE: Well, if it's not him, then he's probably the next one on the missing list. GIBBS: I want everything there is on that E-O-D team from ninety two. Kate, get with Abby and start where she left off. Tony, you concentrate on Sacco. I want everything from his birth until right now. TONY: You remember the good old days, Kate? KATE: What good old days? TONY: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers. KATE: No. TONY: Good, I thought I was the only one. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER VIDEO IMAGES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - FLASHBACK GIBBS: Why? ARI: Why not? (SFX: GUNFIRE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - NIGHT (GIBBS WATCHES THE IMAGES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: Hey, Kate. I was just about to call you. KATE: Uh... Gibbs wants uh... wants me to ... ABBY: They're boats. I was recently informed that Gallipoli was an amphib operation. KATE: Okay. So what can you tell me about Sacco's old unit? ABBY: Um... in ninety two we were closing the base in the Philippines. And Sacco's E-O-D team was in charge of clearing out the ammunition storage dumps. KATE: Do we know how big his unit was? ABBY: We could ask him, but in my experience, most men lie about that point. There were six of them. KATE: Okay, so if there were six, that means... ABBY: There's one of them still running around out there. Which is why I was going to call you. Meet Corporal Mark Cohen. KATE: Where's he stationed? ABBY: He's not. He got the big chicken dinner back in ninety nine. KATE: What, Abby? ABBY: Bad conduct discharge. The Marine Corps doesn't keep track after they separate. KATE: So what was the chicken dinner for? ABBY: Assaulting his company commander. KATE: I think we just found our second suspect. ABBY: Not quite. I've been running his social and... I haven't been able to find him anywhere. KATE: Oh. ABBY: I always feel like Mister Rogers when I leave here. KATE: Where are you going? ABBY: Gibbs didn't tell you? KATE: Tell me what? ABBY: I have a party to go to. KATE: How did you get him to agree to that? ABBY: I asked him. So if you need me, call me. You just umm... disregard any sounds that you may or may not hear in the background. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: DINOZZO SNORES B.G.) GIBBS: (SHOUTS) DiNozzo! TONY: You'll have to speak louder, boss. I haven't been able to hear anything since that explosion yesterday. GIBBS: Find Kate. I want a full briefing in twenty minutes. TONY: You got it. Kate? (SHOUTS) Kate! KATE: (GASPS) What?! TONY: Time to wake up. KATE: Mm... I feel like hell. TONY: Yeah, you don't look too good either. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - DAY (SFX: DOOR SLAMS SHUT) ATLAS: Who? Who is... ah... oh, my god! Oh... I didn't know! I swear I didn't know! You have to believe me! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Kate, what have we got? KATE: Oh, how can you eat that stuff? It's seven thirty in the morning. GIBBS: (MUFFLED) Practice. It's good. You want some? KATE: I'll pass. We're still trying to track down former Corporal Cohen. He left a trail 'till two thousand two, then nothing. GIBBS: Tony? TONY: (MUFFLED) Sacco was stationed in the same vicinity with all four Marines who went U-A. That's got to be more than a coincidence. GIBBS: What have you learned about the fight in his record book? TONY: Well, I called the Colonel he was working for in ninety two. He didn't remember much. It could have been because it was two a.m. when I called him, but you never know. GIBBS: (MUFFLED) What'd he say? TONY: He thinks it was over a woman. GIBBS: An all nighter and this is all I get? KATE: We're recreating a twelve year history, Gibbs. What did you expect? GIBBS: More. KATE: Okay, then bring Major Sacco in for questioning. GIBBS: (MUFFLED) Give me something I can nail him with and I will. TONY: I'll get it for you. GIBBS: Yeah. How? TONY: Let me shadow him for a couple of days. If he's got a screw loose, I'll know it. He might lead us to Atlas. GIBBS: All right. TONY: Listen, boss, I'm telling you... it beats sitting around here doing nothing. I'm out there trying to find him. KATE: (OVERLAP) He said okay, Tony. TONY: Oh. I'm telling you, that explosion really messed my hearing up. KATE: I'll go with him. GIBBS: No. No. I need you here. DiNozzo, you call in every hour. If you forget one time - call in late - don't bother coming back. KATE: Look, just don't take any chances, okay? I mean, if we're right about Sacco, he's got more than a screw loose. TONY: Here I was thinking you didn't care. KATE: It has nothing to do with caring. If anything happens to you, I'm going to be stuck working here with Gibbs alone. TONY: Oh, he's not that bad. A little grumpy sometimes... GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Hey, DiNozzo! Are you still here?! TONY: Then again, you may be on to something. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY (MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) ABBY: So I found Cohen. I think we can cross him off the suspect list. He's dead. KATE: How? ABBY: They found him last year in the sewer system in Old Town Alexandria chained to a wall. Not a pretty picture. It looks like he was down there for a while. The locals are sending us copies of the crime scene report, autopsy, and evidence of the scene. It's a cold case. GIBBS: Not anymore. ABBY: Hey, where's Tony? GIBBS: I've got him tailing Sacco. ABBY: Alone? GIBBS: He does his best work when there's not an audience around. ABBY: I've got a weird feeling. GIBBS: Abs, you always have a weird feeling. ABBY: I know, but this one's different. GIBBS: He can take care of himself. You let me know when those records show up. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) ABBY: Got it. What do you think, Kate? KATE: Well, I think you're just suffering from the effects of your party last night. ABBY: All I drank was Red Bull. KATE: How many? ABBY: Eighteen. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - MOVING (SFX: PHONE RINGS) TONY: (INTO PHONE) DiNozzo.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What's the word? TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Sacco just left the base. I... (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) ...think he's heading home for the night. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) We found Cohen. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Where? GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Chained to a sewer pipe. He's dead. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) It looks like we're running out of suspects. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, it sure looks that way, huh? (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Do you want me to pick him up? GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Negative. Just keep him under... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... surveillance. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Whoa, hold on a sec. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) You are not going to believe where he's pulling in right now. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hammersmith's Country Bar. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Okay, maybe you will. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) I'm getting a search warrant for his house. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You let me know when he leaves. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Roger that. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) DiNozzo, watch your six. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Always. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BAR - NIGHT (MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) (TONY WALKS TO THE BAR) BARTENDER: What are you drinking? TONY: I don't suppose you have any sarsaparilla? How about a ginger ale? BARTENDER: Sure. VANESSA: Hey cowboy! TONY: Hey. VANESSA: Are you here for business or my pleasure. BARTENDER: One ginger ale. VANESSA: Business. And you haven't found your Marine. TONY: Not yet. VANESSA: Maybe I can help you look. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT KATE: This is everything the Alexandria P.D. found on Corporal Cohen. GIBBS: Hmm. That's interesting. KATE: According to Cohen's records he was Jewish. GIBBS: What about Sacco? KATE: He's Baptist. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BAR - NIGHT (MUSIC B.G.) SACCO: Thank you. CUSTOMER: Hey! TONY: Sorry. Debbie Sue, it's me! Bobby Lee! Mister Burt's English class. WOMAN: Who? TONY: Oh, come on. It's my bad. Uh... I thought you were someone else. Take care of her. She's a real keeper. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BAR - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY WALKS FROM THE BAR ENTRANCE) (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What's up? (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Sacco just left the bar, uh... uh... uh... I'm not feeling so well. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Tony? Are you okay? (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) I think I screwed up, boss. (TONY FALLS TO THE GROUND) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey, DiNozzo. Can you hear me? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey Tony! Tony! Tony! Do you hear me?! We're coming for you! (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - NIGHT ATLAS: Welcome to hell. (CUT TO BLACK) MUSIC IN: EXT. BAR - NIGHT (GIBBS WALKS IN THE PARKING LOT) KATE: I've interviewed everyone in the area. No one saw Tony after he came out of the bar. You don't think he's... I don't either. GIBBS: Sacco. KATE: We've got people at his house, an A-P-B out on his vehicle. It's only a matter of time before we pick him up. GIBBS: Yeah, well... time's the one thing we don't have. (INTO PHONE) Gibbs, for the Director. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - NIGHT ATLAS: Only a week? It feels like... it feels like months. TONY: Hey hey hey. Conserve your strength, okay? You're going to need it. ATLAS: For what? TONY: For when I get us out of here. ATLAS: You got a plan? TONY: Of course I do. I found you, didn't I? Granted, the escape part's still a little fuzzy, but I just got here. ATLAS: Well, unless you're a blacksmith, we're pretty much screwed here. TONY: You need to think positive, Gunny. ATLAS: You're right. I'm positive I'm screwed. TONY: A sense of humor's good. You're gonna need that. Okay, let's get this chain off your leg. ATLAS: How? TONY: Rule nine. ATLAS: What? TONY: Yeah, those rules they teach you guys in the Marine Corps. ATLAS: What rules? TONY: Huh. I always suspected Gibbs was making that stuff up. Well, rule nine is uh... never go anywhere... without a knife. ATLAS: Even if you get it off, how do we get out of the room? TONY: Hey, one thing at a time, huh, Gunny? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: We're dealing with a serial killer who is methodical and patient. He spread his kills out over an eight year period. And if we go by Cohen's case, he's into making them suffer. But why did he go after Tony? GIBBS: He saw something tonight, something Major Sacco doesn't want us to know about. KATE: Then why didn't Tony tell us? GIBBS: Because maybe he didn't think it was important at the time? MCGEE: Have we heard anything from Agent DiNozzo yet? GIBBS: McGee, you're late. Kate, bring him up to speed. MCGEE: Uh... uh... where can I set up shop? KATE: Take Tony's desk. MCGEE: You don't think he'll mind? KATE: I think Tony's got other things on his mind right now, McGee. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - NIGHT TONY: All right. All right, you're going to need to carry this. All right? ATLAS: I need to confess something. TONY: Well, when we get out of here I'll find you a priest. ATLAS: No. I deserve this. I belong here. You don't. TONY: No one deserves this, Gunny. ATLAS: It was an accident. He must have found out about it. TONY: Found out what? ATLAS: We killed four girls, Agent DiNozzo. And Major Sacco was in love with one of them. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY LAB - NIGHT DUCKY: I reviewed Corporal Cohen's autopsy results from two thousand two. His body tissue had high concentrations of insect venom, honey bees to be exact. GIBBS: Did it kill him? DUCKY: Unfortunately no. Our young friend starved to death. And judging by the fat and muscle tissue loss, it happened over a period of weeks if not months. GIBBS: That's the first good news I've heard all day. DUCKY: Huh? GIBBS: It means there's a chance Tony and Atlas are still alive. DUCKY: You'll find him, Jethro. GIBBS: That a question or a statement, Duck? (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) DUCKY: A little bit of both, I'm afraid. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - NIGHT (ACTION CONTINUES/TONY ATTEMPTS TO OPEN THE DOOR) TONY: Damn! Tell me more about the girls. ATLAS: The base was closing. We all had girlfriends out in the town. We didn't want to leave them. TONY: So you decided to kill them? That makes sense. ATLAS: They would have been better off if we had. Instead, we tried to smuggle them back to the States inside shipping containers. TONY: You mailed your girlfriends home? ATLAS: Shipped. But Lieutenant Sacco changed our orders at the last minute. He split us up and put us all on different ships. We all assumed that one of us was on the one with the girls. TONY: Oh, my god... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CONTAINER - FLASHBACK (SFX: GIRLS SCREAM B.G.) ATLAS: (V.O.) They were padlocked from the outside. They only had enough food and water for a few days. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - NIGHT ATLAS: Everyone thought they stowed away themselves. But it was us. We killed them Agent DiNozzo. TONY: One of them was Sacco's girl? ATLAS: Was. She left him for me. That's probably why he saved me for last. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SEWER ENTRANCE - NIGHT (CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/SACCO MOVES SLOWLY INTO THE SEWER) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - NIGHT GIBBS: What do you got? ABBY: I pulled a partial fingerprint off the silver cross found on Corporal Cohen's. GIBBS: Major Sacco's? ABBY: No. MCGEE: It's not listed in any database. GIBBS: Abs, you could have told me that on the phone. ABBY: I know. But I did find a match. MCGEE: We just don't have a name... yet. KATE: A match from where? ABBY: The reporter's credit card receipt from the bar. KATE: She wasn't after a story. She was working with Sacco. MCGEE: Well, that's one possibility. I recommend that we run a test-- GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. Secure the area. We're on our way. (TO KATE) Manassas P.D. located Sacco's car. McGee, get me an arrest warrant on Carol Powers. MCGEE: You got it, boss. Uh...I mean... Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Let's roll. ABBY: Hey, bring him back, all right? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER TONY: (V.O.) I think I got it this time. (ON CAMERA) Come on. Come on, baby. Here you go. (DOOR HANDLE LIFTS/CLOSES) ATLAS: I won't make it. I can... I can barely stay...conscious. TONY: I must have read your file wrong, Gunny. It said you were a Marine. ATLAS: I am a Marine. TONY: If you say so. Most Marines I know... they don't quit. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SEWER ENTRANCE - DAWN (CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. OFFICER: We think they're down in the sewer system. I've got two K-nine units on the way. GIBBS: Who does this other car belong to? OFFICER: Plates came back stolen. It looks like it was abandoned here. GIBBS: We're going in. OFFICER: I'd wait for the dogs. Was down there once looking for a kid. Got lost for almost three hours. GIBBS: We don't get lost. (DOOR OPENS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/SACCO MOVES TOWARD THE ROOM) (DOOR OPENS) SACCO: (SHOUTS) Gunny! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - DAY (TONY AND ATLAS MOVE QUICKLY THROUGH THE CORRIDOR) SACCO: (V.O.) Gunny! Gunny! Where'd you go?! you?! Gunny! Gunny! I know you're here!(ATLAS AND TONY MOVE THROUGH THE WATER) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER CORRIDOR (KATE AND GIBBS MOVE THROUGH THE WATER) SACCO: (V.O.) Where the hell are you? KATE: Thank god Tony's still alive! Who else do you know who pisses people off like that? SACCO: (V.O.) Gunny! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER ATLAS: Stop. SACCO: (V.O.) Where are you? ATLAS: I have to stop. Stop. TONY: Hey, listen. SACCO: (V.O.) Gunny! TONY: You've got ten seconds, okay? SACCO: (V.O.) Gunny! Where the hell are you?! TONY: Didn't we already pass by here? SACCO: (V.O.) Gunny! TONY: Okay, come on. ATLAS: I can't. TONY: I'll carry you if I have to, all right? Come on. ATLAS: Leave me. TONY: Come on. ATLAS: Leave me! GIBBS: (V.O.) Tony? TONY: Gibbs! GIBBS: DiNozzo! TONY: Hey, what are you doing down here? GIBBS: What do you think I'm doing here? TONY: Is that Kate? KATE: Yeah. GIBBS: How'd you get over there? TONY: I'm kind of winging it. Atlas is in pretty bad shape. GIBBS: Stay where you are. We'll work our way to you. TONY: I can't. Sacco is right behind us. GIBBS: Okay, go. Go! Keep moving. We'll catch up to you. TONY: Come on, Gunny. Are you all right? Come on. Come on. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND ATLAS WALK THROUGH THE WATER) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - DAY SACCO: Hey Gunny! If you're down here, answer me! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEWER - DAY TONY: All right. Hang in there, Marine. We're gonna make it. There you go. My father was right. I'm going to end up in the gutter. SACCO: You? Why didn't you stop? TONY: Put down the weapon and we'll talk about it. SACCO: You think I'm gonna shoot you? TONY: It crossed my mind. SACCO: I followed her here. I didn't want to believe it, but it's true. She's completely insane. But we've got to get him out of here before she finds us. TONY: Who? (SFX: GUNSHOT) VANESSA: That would be me. You might want to lose that knife, cowboy. You don't recognize me, do you, Sergeant Bill? ATLAS: Vanessa? I thought... VANESSA: I was dead. I know. You all did. Except for Sacco. He's the one who found me half alive. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CONTAINER - FLASHBACK (DOOR OPENS) SACCO: My god... (SACCO MOVES TO THE WOMAN) SACCO: It's all right. I've got you. You're all right. SWISH PAN TO: INT. SEWER VANESSA: At first I was grateful. But then he turned out to be like the rest of them. He wanted to control me. TONY: Are you the one who killed all those Marines? VANESSA: Not yet. (GIBBS AND KATE MOVE TOWARD VANESSA) KATE: (WHISPERS) It's the waitress from the bar. GIBBS: (WHISPERS) We take it slow. If you think she's going to shoot, you take her out. TONY: You don't want to do this. VANESSA: I've been doing this for eight years. I was the youngest. They gave me all their food. And slowly each one of them died. Do you know what it's like to watch your friends die? To sleep with their corpses? Do you? TONY: We can't let you do this, Vanessa. VANESSA: We? KATE: (SHOUTS) Drop it! (SFX: GUNSHOT) TONY: Yeah, my friends. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR - DAY TONY: Admit it, you were worried about me. Right? You don't have to say anything. I know. Okay, I want you to say it. You care, right? (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) TONY: So are you saying you don't care? GIBBS: Tony, as far as I'm concerned, you're irreplaceable. TONY: I knew it. I knew behind the whole Marine thing, you really are at heart... GIBBS: Forget about it, McGee. He's still alive. (MUSIC OUT)

Plan: A: a marine; Q: What type of person disappeared from the bar? A: NCIS; Q: What agency is called in to investigate the disappearance of a marine? A: one; Q: How many of the missing marines were found dead? A: a pipe; Q: What was the skeleton chained to? A: Gibbs; Q: What is the last name of the NCIS team leader? A: a serial killer; Q: What does Gibbs suspect the unit CO of being? A: Tony; Q: Who vanishes while tailing the CO? A: a more frantic pace; Q: What kind of pace does the investigation take on after Tony vanishes? A: McGee; Q: Who is called back in from Norfolk to help? A: the clock; Q: What are Gibbs and Kate working against? Summary: The disappearance of a marine from a bar draws NCIS in to investigate, and it is discovered that several marines from the same unit have also vanished under similar circumstances. When skeletal remains of one of the missing men is found chained to a pipe in a small sewer room, Gibbs begins to suspect the unit CO (the only team member not dead or missing) as a serial killer. However, when Tony vanishes while tailing the CO from the unit, the investigation takes on a more frantic pace and McGee is called back in from Norfolk to help as Gibbs and Kate work against the clock to find Tony before it is too late.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Colton: Where's Ellen May? Tim: Let her go. Right now! Let her go! [ Screaming ] Li... Limehouse! Whenever she'd get in trouble, she... she'd threaten to go to Limehouse! Ava: [ Gasps ] See, Ava? I been hiding this whole time! And I ain't said nothing! Ava: Did shelby drop you off? Shelby ain't left. Ava: $150,000. Boyd: For both of them? Ava: Each. Ellstin, we had a deal. We did. And now I'm changing it. Boyd: Well, if you want Raylan Givens, you'll need me. And if you want me... I'm still gonna need $500,000. How many tweaker dick heads did you have to suck off before you got to this wonderful place in your life? Raylan: We don't give a sh1t about Boyd. That's not why we're here. The man we're after... Drew Thompson. You can help us with that. Boyd: The marshals got to Drew before Nicky could. Ava: How is that possible? I guess this is where I'm supposed to surrender. Art: You can tell us everything now or let it be a big surprise later. You get me out of here, I'll give you whatever you want. Raylan: Talking about sending me to Washington to meet the director. Most of the talk's all hearsay at this point, but looking good. Winona: Hey, did you, uh... did you sign that paperwork? Raylan: That what? Winona: The forms I-I e-mailed you last week. Raylan: Uh, no. I haven't. Winona: Okay, well, you know they're to protect the baby in case something happens to either one of us, so I'm just... I'm gonna need your signature. Raylan: Okay, I will. Winona: It's kind of important that you get it done before she's born. Raylan: Yes. Listen, it is gonna be the first thing I do. What did you just say? Winona: We're having a girl, Raylan. I found out this morning. [ Applause ] Raylan: A girl. Holy sh1t. Hold on. Thank you. I'm on the phone. Seriously. Winona... I don't know sh1t about girls. Winona: That is so sweet, saying that like I don't already know. Raylan: Look, um, let me call you back. It's, uh... great news. Art: What's the matter with you, Raylan? You not used to positive attention? Raylan: Oh, no, I love that. Can we continue? Tim: No, the moment's gone. Raylan: So sad. Rachel: Congratulations, anyway. Raylan: Thank you. Rachel: Does this mean you're finally getting a haircut? Raylan: Don't hold your breath. Art: Maybe you can get one on all your forced time off. Congratulations. Nice work. And you're suspended. Raylan: Remind me why again. Art: You want the whole list or just, like, the good stuff that I underlined? Raylan: What's going on in there? Art: Oh, we're getting ready to transfer Thompson to Con Air, take him to supermax. Raylan: And Theo Tonin? Art: He's gone underground, but we'll get him. Gentlemen, if you'll excuse us for a moment... You want to change the terms of your deal, then why don't you talk to the people who are gonna be most pissed off about it? My attorney should be here, shouldn't he? No, transport is top-secret. Not even your attorney can know about it. Okay, welcome to Marshal Service Protection. Art: There's a tremendous amount of resources being expended to keep you alive. If you're about to gum that up, I'm liable to get my bowels in an uproar. It's not an unreasonable request under the circumstances. Art: We'll decide what's reasonable and what isn't. Raylan: What are we talking about here? We are talking about safety and protection for a woman. Art: Eve Munro's already under Marshal protection. We're not talking about Munro. Raylan: No. She needs help. We talked about this. Raylan: Let me be clear. You want a contingency rider on your deal, here is our rebuttal. Stick it up your ass. Art: You get nothing... no conditions, no perks, no mercy whatsoever. Raylan: Not till you hold up your end of the bargain. Give us a reason not to dangle you behind a boat for the sharks to chew on. And I said I'll do what I have to to keep her safe. No deal until she's in custody. Raylan: Fine, go to prison. Sit in genpop till Theo Tonin's boys fillet you like a perch. Sooner or later, you are gonna talk. Art: And you will do so absent any guarantees for her or any other bullshit you can dream up. And just so we're on the same page, what woman are we talking about? [ Keys rattle ] Is it time? Time for what? For Boyd and Ava to kill me. Now, didn't I tell you I wasn't gonna let that happen? You told me you were gonna take their money and you were gonna let me go. And do you not think I'm a man of my word? I don't know what to believe. Now, Haven't I kept you safe this far? What? I don't got no choice in the matter anyways. You take their money and you let them kill me, or you take their money and you let me go. Either way, I think I'll probably wind up dead. So, you just go ahead and do whatever it is that you got to do. And I will just sit here and wait for it to happen... like I been doing all along. I say we find that turncoat sack of sh1t and kill him. His truck's set outside his bar. We can get him right now. Boyd: I don't want to talk about Johnny. Colt: Ellen May up in Nobles... I mean, we just go grab her, right? I mean, she's just sitting up there. She is the priority, isn't she? Ava: Tonin is gonna send people for you if he hasn't already. That's the point. That's who Johnny's working for, Boyd. We got to take him out before he gives them too much on us. Colt: We could hit Nobles come nighttime... hit them hard, hit them fast. We're in and out with her before they ever caught on. Man, you have no idea what the hell you're even talking about. They got like 50 guys out there guarding that place. We seen them. Ava: So, why don't we just lie low and see what Nicky Augustine's gonna do? 'Cause Ellen May ain't going nowhere. No, that's exactly what Johnny wants. We can't wait. Boyd: Quiet. Colt: But he's right. We're running out of time. Boyd: Quiet! Look, I appreciate your passionate points of view, but I would like to have a moment... alone with my fiancée. "Nothing brings you peace... but the triumph of principles." Ralph Waldo Emerson said that. I keep thinking about what's most important in this moment. And... with everything... twirling, and I... I keep coming back to you... To your safety, to your freedom. Ava: But if you're saying that we go after Ellen May, we ain't even got the money to do it. Boyd: I'm saying that we go after Limehouse. Now, if we want Ellen May back, we gonna have to take her. Ava: I disagree. Boyd: A man who speaks out of both sides of his mouth deserves to have it permanently shut. Ava: Who said that? Boyd: Boyd Crowder. ♪ On this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul ♪ ♪ God get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard ♪ ♪ fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪ Justified 04x12 Art: Drew Thompson and the hooker with the heart of gold... It's a very nice story he'll be able to tell his cell mate before Tonin's crew kills him. What do you think it is with him and that Audry's whore? Does he think she's Julia Roberts and he's old what's his name with the white limo? Raylan: She ain't no Julia Roberts. Art: You know, I never cared for her much, anyway. Looked too much like Eric. Raylan: Great smile. Art: Great legs. Raylan: Maybe this is just him trying to take a parting shot at Boyd. Art: Well, whatever. We got him. That's the important thing. Rest of it's just gravy. Raylan: I'll go get her. Art: Get who? Raylan: The whore, Ellen May. Art: No, the hell you will. You're suspended. Raylan: Suspend me tomorrow. Art: That's not how it works, Raylan. Raylan: Suspend me right around the baby's due date. Tack on a couple days. I ain't fighting the suspension. Art: You know, suspendees don't get to choose when they get suspended. That would be called a vacation. Raylan: I drive down to Harlan, find the girl, I bring her back, I set her in front of this asshole, and I say, "Here, asshole." He talks. We let her go. It's happiness all around. Art: Fine, I'll send Tim and Rachel to do that, and you take a few days off, Charlie Hustle. Raylan: No, let me do this. Don't take away the one thing I know how to do. Art: What the hell's wrong with you, Raylan? Don't you know how to win? Can't you enjoy anything? You got a family on the way. Have you even talked to Winona recently? Raylan: I just talked to her, actually. I'm having a girl. Art: Well, congratulations. Raylan: Thank you. Art: Don't you think that's even more of a reason to spend a little time at home? Raylan: Art, it's one detail. Fine, I'll take Rachel and Tim. I'll take them both. Art: That's big of you. Raylan: Let me do this. Let me finish what I started. Ah, what are we? Gunning up? Running never solves problems, Johnny. Johnny: Only thing gonna solve my problems is this. So, uh, thank you, but excuse me if I'm preoccupied. You're the one who decided to bite the hand. Accept responsibility for your choices. Johnny: The whole idea was you were supposed to get Drew. Now, you made assurances. Now, if you had followed through with that... If, if, if. Why are we trafficking in might-have-beens? The question is, you want to keep helping or not? Johnny: Helping you how? Digging graves for your crew? It's true. I've lost some ballast. But I still got Picker here, right? As for you, there might still be a way for us to work this out. Johnny: How? Oh, good. Skeptical... but eager. It's already better than running. Your Uncle Theo has ears everywhere... literally. Lately, there's been some noise that Drew Thompson was gumming up the works of his deal over some trailer-park bunk bunny he wants protected. Has some tragic, Southern name I've forgotten. Johnny: Ellen May. [ Telephone rings ] Hello. Mr. Limehouse. Busy. John Crowder. Last we spoke, you was none too pleased with me. As I recall, you even threatened my person. Johnny: Well, things have changed since then, Mr. Limehouse. And, uh, I hope that, given the notion that I am taking over Boyd's enterprise, that we can bury that hatchet now. I hadn't heard that Boyd was going out of business such that you could take it over. Or did he cede you the works on his own? Johnny: That doesn't matter. I am calling you about our whore. I was told the asking price is $300,000. Well, if I knew what you was talking about... and I don't... Where would you get that kind of money, Mr. Crowder? Johnny: I told you, things have changed. I've got partners now. And just who might these partners be? Fools from Detroit that Boyd's got the wrong side of? Was you thinking you could fare better than him? Johnny: All you need to concern yourself with is, do I have the cash? Do you? Johnny: Well, do you have Ellen May? I don't know who that is. Now, what makes you think I'm gonna have any dealings with you? Johnny: Well, I can think of about 300,000 reasons. Yeah, well, you remember what happened last time Detroit came to Noble. A man lost his arm, and the marshals took my money. Johnny: Well, that ain't gonna happen this time. No, it is not. I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen this time. Nothing. Johnny: Now, Limehouse, wait. No. Goodbye, Johnny Crowder. Don't you ever call here again. [ Telephone beeps ] Wow. That sounded fantastic. Should we pop the champaign now or wait till after we got her? Johnny: Something's not right. I'd have to agree. What kind of man doesn't want $300,000? Johnny: The kind of man that already made that deal... with my cousin. Boyd: Now, there's a bootlegger's road that runs along the back of Nobles Holler. They'll have people positioned all along that Ridge, so we back-country in parallel to the road. That's how we get past them. And I say we take two cars in case we get in trouble. We go in as soon as the sun goes down. Ava: And once you're up there, what's the plan then? Boyd: I'm gonna stick a gun in Limehouse's mouth, tell him we have emulex tucked underneath three houses in his holler, I just can't remember which one. And he doesn't give us Ellen May, I'm gonna have Jimmy here push a button. Come Thanksgiving, he can serve all the dark meat he wants. [ Cellphone ringing ] [ Cellphone beeps ] Well, cousin Johnny, you got some balls calling me. It's not your cousin. It's Nicky Augustine. Boyd: Well, Mr. Augustine, after the way you spoke to my woman, I'll say the same thing to you. You got some balls calling me. It's not balls, Mr. Crowder. It's bad manners. I apologize. I got carried away. I must say I'm a big admirer of your work, and I want you to know that I tender this call with respect. And I hope that we can find a way to do business together. Boyd: Why would I do that? Oh, call it mutual beneficence. Boyd: Well, mutual implies we both get something out of this arrangement. I have yet to hear what's in it for me and mine. How about I get you the money to get Ellen May... and give you your cousin Johnny? Boyd: [ Laughs ] That's what I call a sweet deal. [ Guns cocking ] And why would you want to legislate gun control? Come on boys, put those things away. Let's start this off on a good foot. As soon as I see your boys go first. Boyd: Mr. Picker, need I remind you that you extended the invitation to us, not the other way around? Of course we did. Nobody's shooting anybody today. It's "everybody wins" day here at Johnny's Bar... everybody except Johnny. Boyd: Well, Mr. Augustine, while you apologized to me, I think the offended party is standing right there. I offer you my deepest apologies for my discourtesy. It's no excuse, but, you know, when I find myself sometimes in a bar like this, I'm not my best self. Boyd: Hmm. Mr. Augustine, seeing as how Drew Thompson's already in the marshals' custody, why you're cutting off the tail of my cousin and offering him up is opaque to me. I'm gonna need Google translate on my phone if I'm gonna keep talking to you. Boyd: What do you want? Whore squirreled away up there in the black holler. This is the money to buy her. Boyd: I see. Well, since you already know my deal, you got your money, you got this duplicitous piece of sh1t working for you, what do you need me for? Because this duplicitous piece of sh1t couldn't get us to the man who has the whore, so you help us get the whore, we give lemon head the money, you get the duplicitous piece of sh1t. Boyd: And why... may I ask... Do you want Ellen May? Johnny: Shelby won't testify unless she's safe. They want to leverage her... Oh, God! No talking. Boyd: Why, cousin Johnny, you hadn't even had a chance to enjoy the fruits of your betrayal. I have one more question for you. What do you plan on doing with Ellen May once she serves her purpose? We're gonna take her to Six Flags. All right, so, I say we take two cars. Ava: No. I'll go. I was thinking this be more of a group excursion. Ava: Mnh-mnh, we can't just roll up to his door like a Jehovah's Witness. Limehouse don't like white people, and he hates you. Now, I'm the exception. So, the only way this works is if I go up there and I make this deal... alone. [SCENE_BREAK] Boyd: I don't have a problem with it, Mr. Augustine. Do you? As long as you stay here with me, I don't care who goes. All I want is the whore. Boyd: Well, what are we drinking? What the hell y'all want now? Raylan: Come on, Ellstin. We don't rate a hello? U.S. Marshal darken my door, I got to consider what it is I'm about to lose. Raylan: Well, maybe we just came up for a little pulled pork. Yeah, well, this one over here maybe, but you crackers wouldn't know pulled pork from pig bung. How you been, little sister? Rachel: You calling me little sister like you putting me in my place. Well... What else am I supposed to call you? You got your gun on all big and bad. All I see is a little old Aunt Jemima taking orders from the man. Rachel: You want to find out, if you insult me enough, I'm gonna break rank and put you into your place? Keep talking sh1t, and we'll see. [ Laughs ] Reow. Well, I don't want you here. I don't want none of y'all here. Your presence gives me the fidgets. People up here all day talking about, "where this one is, where that one is." I'm starting to lose patience over it. Tim: Yeah? Like who? Like none of your damn business who. Raylan: Ellstin, easy enough to get rid of us. Just give us what we want, never see us again. Am I supposed to intuit what that might be? Raylan: Runaway named Ellen May. Is she a fugitive? Raylan: Not exactly. Then why y'all looking for her? What makes you think she up here? Tim: It was reported to us that she was. Who in the hell is this? Rachel: He's gonna back me up I got to put my boot up your ass out here in front of everybody. Oh, sexy. Oh, little sister barking loud now. Mm. You think she got any bite? Whoo. Raylan: Ellstin, we asking you is she here out of courtesy. We were told this was her last known location... reportedly against her will. We believe she's here or she was. And we aim to find out. You understand? Well, if she was here or ever was, she ain't now. But y'all can search this whole 100-odd acres of this entire holler and prove it to yourself. Reow. [ Laughs ] Tim: So, we are literally searching every outhouse, dog house, hen house just on the off chance she's here? Raylan: We'll let the Staties do it. They live for this sh1t. They'll be up here with dogs and all within a half an hour. Tim: Yeah, meaning we're rolling around in a larger footprint all for some girl we don't need. Raylan: I told the guy I was gonna toss the joint. Can't just be an idle threat or I'll look like a pussy. Plus, he was rude to Rachel. Tim: Well, okay. Well, maybe we can get a little barbecue for the wait. Raylan: Maybe you can. I'm gonna go to Harlan. Rachel: Hold on, Captain America. We're out here covering your suspension. Raylan: So, come with me. Tim can stay here, watch the road till the Staties land. Tim: How is it that I'm the one standing roadside while you all traipse off on some Harlan County Safari? Raylan: 'Cause you'll keep a level head. She's out of control. You saw her back there. Come on. This is what we do. Did you not wake up this morning thinking today was another opportunity to mess up some bad guy's day? I did. Rachel: So, what's in Harlan? Raylan: Limehouse said folks have been up here looking all day. I can only assume that means about Ellen May, which means Boyd. We'll stay in touch. Tim: I'll be right here. [SCENE_BREAK] Good thing he brought you up the back way, Miss Ava. But I can't say I'm fond of all these visitors. Ava: Think I'm any happier than you are? Well, no matter what your feelings about it, we getting ready to have us a U.S. Marshal search party any minute. Ava: Well, I should be gone by the time they get here if we get our business done. What's that? [ Latch clicks ] Well, well. Ava: Now that I got your attention... you know, I need you to know that I don't appreciate the way you changed the deal on me and Boyd. I wasn't born yesterday. I didn't expect you to play it straight. But the way you conduct business makes me wonder if you got anyfriends. And you want me to what... Apologize? Ava: I want you to take this money and give me Ellen May. What you saying about our dealings, I understand what you mean. I've been wondering lately whatit is makes us forget who we are. I got in this whole mess here on account of what I thought Nobles needed. Wrong people, wrong reasons. Damn near lost everything. Having to sell off parcels of land just to keep Nobles alive... land we have owned since emancipation. Ava: Well, I see this money as a good start along the road to Nobles' return to glory. I look at you, Ava, and I see somebody I hardly even know anymore. I can't do this. And you shouldn't, either. Besides, that girl is gone. Ava: What do you mean, gone? I just mean gone. Ava: You let her go? Where? I don't know. Ava: God damn it, Limehouse. Ava, Ava, Ava. Come on, now. All these things you've done, with... with... with no mind for the consequences to other people, are you gonna have peace of mind when this is all over? Ava: She's not at Nobles. Limehouse let her go. I presented him the money, he wouldn't take it. She's gone, baby. Marshals about to search the place. I'm guessing he's telling the truth. Maybe she went back to see Nicky Cush. Maybe she's gone to see that Cassie woman. Maybe she just lit out. I don't know. Boyd: Ellen May hadn't got the means or the imagination to take off on her own. I'll check the church. Boyd: I'll have Colt meet you there. And we'll check out Cush's. You can't be here. Look, you always said I was your favorite, okay? And when I didn't have no place to go, you got me up off the streets and into one of them trailers, and I'm grateful, okay? And now all's I need is one more favor. No, no, no. If Boyd finds out you was here and I helped you, he gonna kill me. You didn't see him. The look in his eyes... there's blackness behind them. Well, how about if you just give me your keys, and he comes by, you can just tell him I stole it. No, no. He won't believe me. Well, then maybe you ought to drive me after all, you know, hide out for a while. Hide out? This is my hideout. Please. All right. Thank you. I'm off my mind. This isn't gonna happen. All right. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. What now? Shh. Listen. Hear that? You know what that is? I don't hear anything. Exactly. They fly drones now. Nick, come on. [ Vehicle approaches ] sh1t. What? Is it the drones? No, no. No, no, it's not drones. [ Dog barking ] Boyd: All right, just a warning. This fella's a little touched. Well, should I be scared? Boyd: Well, not if you're secure in your political views. You take the back. [ Water running ] Jesus. Boyd: See what I mean? Yeah, this is like a desperate cry for help. Boyd: Well, we all have our eccentricities. Yeah, they don't all need to be medicated. Probably scared him off. He's probably long gone by now. Boyd: That drill bit was probably a little much. Yo. Shower. [ Door creaks ] I got you now, assholes! Hello, Boyd. Who's got the drill now, huh? Now, you, two fingers, hold your gun out and put it on the ground. Boyd: You know, I remember reading this article one time about all the bank robbers out in California. Do you remember the ones? They had body army on, too. Okay, now you. I'm just the driver. Bullshit! Don't make me shoot. Yeah, I read that article. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the... The North Hollywood Boys. Now, them boys, they knew how to take on the Feds, all right. Boyd: Yeah. I ain't falling for it, Boyd! Drop the gun! Put it down now! I swear to God! Boyd: Cops had a hard time bringing them boys down. Do you remember what their only weakness was? Yeah, I remember what their weakness was. They ran out of bullets. [ Gunshot ] [ Screaming ] [ Machine-gun fire ] Oh, my foot! Boyd: They didn't armor their feet, asshole. Now take that mask off, you dumbass. Where is she? Bar's closed. Raylan: Surely you're not brandishing a weapon at two deputy U.S. Marshals, putting yourself at risk for arrest, imprisonment, or worse. I'm just protecting the bar. Rachel: From what? From wild apaches. What do you care? Raylan: U.S. Marshals. Guns on the floor. Don't do that. Don't even think about that. That ain't gonna end well for you. Say, Johnny, you seen better days. Johnny: Oh, yeah. Ever since I helped out you and your little friend here, I've been sh1tting rainbows. You helped them with what? Rachel: What did you expect, Johnny... a job cutting my lawn? Say, where's Ellen May? Johnny: Everyone's out looking for her. Even Boyd's out with the Detroit boys now. Rachel: I didn't ask who was looking for her. I asked where she was. Do you know? Do you? Raylan: Bet their boss does. Probably got something to do with Shelby, what with Johnny trussed in a chair here. Why don't you get Boyd on the phone for me? Why don't you kiss my dimpled ass? [ Groans ] Raylan: I don't see how that invitation has anything to do with my request. Why you got to be such a dick? Raylan: My job, being a dick. It'd be weird if you liked me. Now, you were about to make a phone call. [ Groans ] [ Cellphone ringing ] Say, look at that. He saved you the trouble. I'm gonna put it on speaker. You're gonna play along. Hey. Boyd: Listen to me. I need you to take Nicky's men to the church where Cassie is. Ellen May should be there. Raylan: Good plan. Small problem. Boyd: Raylan? Boyd, I'm sorry. They came... Raylan: Boyd, want to send a message to you and the boys you're working for from Detroit. It's a simple one, really. You lost. Give up. Go home. Was that the marshal in the hat? Boyd: It was. What was his name? Boyd: Raylan Givens. We got to go. Johnny: Hey, Raylan, what about me? Raylan: What about you? Johnny: They'll get me... even in jail. You count on it. Johnny: I helped you get Drew. Raylan: I don't know. It's up to her. I'm late for church. Ever since this all started, I've been praying and praying, "Jesus, please help me find a way out of this." I swore up and down I'd change my ways and I-I'd do anything He wanted. Even knowing I wasn't worthy, I s-still prayed, 'cause you told me He listened. Cassie: And he does, Ellen May. Then I was up at Nobles, stuck in that room, waiting to die again, praying, "God, get me out of this." And then, just like that, Mr. Limehouse let me go. And I knew... I knew... [ Sighs ] I knew God had worked a miracle in his heart and that, even after everything I had done, I was still worthy of his love. I told you I done things... horrible things... but I never told you how I sunk a man was shot right in front of me down a splinter shaft off Black Lick Road. He'd been shot in half... clear in half... with a shotgun. I helped carry his body out, and I covered up who done it. All this time, I been keeping that inside, and it's been eating away at me, you know? I think God let me out of that room for me to come and tell you this thing so I could be washed in his blood. In Jesus' blood, I mean, not the man I was party to killing. Ava: What man we talking about here, Ellen May? You think telling this girl what you done, that cleans your slate? Purifies your mortal soul? Well, it don't... not for a long shot. I don't believe that, Ava. I don't believe a word comes out of your mouth. I know what I know. Ava: And what's that? That if God can forgive me... [ Sighs ] I can forgive you, too. Ava: I don't need your forgiveness, Ellen May. And I don't talk to God. There's peace in repentance, Ava. It's unlike anything you ever felt. Ava: Always found peace... comes from doing what your heart tells you is right. And we ain't got control over the rest. 'Cause it wasn't God that let you out of that room up in Nobles or pulled you out of Colt's car o-or put this gun in my hand. That was people making choices all down the line, Ellen May. What choice you making? Cassie: You kill her, you got to kill me, too. You willing to have two murders on your head? Ava: You got no idea what I'm willing to do, little girl. Colt: Hey, Ava. What's going on here? Ava's just about to finish what you started. Colt: Is this what Boyd wants? Ava: I don't know. Colt: Well... what are you gonna do, Ava? [ Cellphone beeps ] Boyd: Baby, before you say anything, I'm on my way. Ava: I can't do it. I'm standing right here, and I know what I got to do, but I can't. I'm so sorry, Boyd. It's just not who I am. Boyd: Baby, you do what you got to do. [ Cellphone beeps ] [ Dialing ] [ Ringing ] [ Cellphone ringing ] Colt: Hey. Ava: Colt, no. Tim: Stop right where you are. Drop the weapon. Move away. Move away. Colt: God damn. I just cannot catch a break. [ Sighs ] Tim: Drop it on the ground. Colt: Maybe in a minute. Tim: Don't. Colt: Relax. Tim: [ Sighs ] Colt: Gonna quit tomorrow. Tim: What do you think you're doing? I'm smoking. Did you kill my friend? Colt: You know what it's like to be in the sh1t. Go back there enough times, and bad things happen. So, you did kill him? Collateral damage. I'm sorry about what happened to your friend Mark, but I think most of him died somewhere in Kandahar. Only part I'm concerned about is the one that died here. Last time I'm telling you. Put your weapon on the ground. I guess I'll quit today. [ Gunshot ] [ Beeping ] Raylan: Colton? Anybody else hurt? Ellen May. You got a full dance card here in the next little bit. Is Shelby all right? Shelby's in custody. Do you think maybe I could see him? I think you had us jump through about all the hoops we're willing to. But if you're civil and easy to get along with, I'll let you roll the window down on the way back to Lexington. Hmm. Raylan: He's still looking out for you, else none of us would be here. You involved in a shooting? Raylan: Nope. [ Police radio chatter ] [ Indistinct conversations ] Tim: How you doing? That good, huh? What are you gonna do now? Cassie: I don't know. I mean, this was my brother's church, you know? He was a true believer. I just went along and helped keep it afloat. His heart was the pure one. Mine's not so pure. God forgive me, but I've been praying and praying that it'd be Boyd Crowder that your bullet found. Ava: I'm s-sorry about your friend. Boyd: I understand, Ava, why you needed to do it the way that you did it. I respect it... on every level. Turned it all around now, I guess. It was just our fate. I don't believe in fate. I can't believe in fate... not anymore. I believe you dictate the river of fate through your own actions. There's still one more move we can make... something we should have done a long time ago. And we get rid of Delroy's body once and for all. Boyd: Do you believe in me? Ava: Yes. [ Telephone ringing ] Hey, when is he... Raylan: He's coming. Relax. It's all right, John. I got it. [ Laughs ] It's a hell of a nice chair, if you don't mind me saying so. Winona: And you don't have anything that says who it's from? No, ma'am, I surely don't. I can have the office run it down and call you tomorrow. Winona: That's all right. I got a pretty good idea. My wife, when she had her first baby, I remember this gliding chair being a lot easier on her back. Winona: Oh, well, I am not altogether sure that my ex-husband knows what is and what is not good for my back. Here. It looks good. Winona: It does. Now, I got to sign anything or... No, ma'am. You're fine. So, boy or girl? Winona: It's a little girl. Congratulations, ma'am. You have yourself a lovely day, okay? Thank you. You too.

Plan: A: the Marshals; Q: Who does Drew Thompson tell he will refuse his deal for WITSEC unless he knows that Ellen May is safe? A: Augustine; Q: Who tells Johnny that Theo Tonin has heard from his informants that Drew won't enter protective custody to testify against Tonin unless Ellen May is safe? A: Theo Tonin; Q: Who is the Detroit mob boss? A: Limehouse; Q: Who does Johnny call to help retrieve Ellen May? A: Boyd; Q: Who does Augustine offer $300,000 to buy back Ellen May? A: one; Q: How many henchmen does Augustine have? A: Tim head; Q: Who arrives at the church just as Colt prepares to kill Ellen May? A: Limehouse's holler; Q: What is the name of Limehouse's property? A: Ava; Q: Who gets to the church first? A: the church; Q: Where does Ava go to find Ellen May? A: separate origination points; Q: From where do Ava and Colt head to the church? A: Nicky Cush's; Q: Who's house do Boyd, Augustine, and Picker go to? A: the foot; Q: What does Boyd shoot Nicky Cush in? A: Delroy's murder; Q: What does Ellen May confess to Cassie? A: self-defense; Q: What is the reason Tim guns down Colt? A: his gun; Q: What does Colt raise at the church? A: the Marshals' office; Q: Where is Ellen May reunited with Drew? A: Delroy's body; Q: Who do Boyd and Ava decide to move? A: incrimination; Q: What do Boyd and Ava want to avoid now that Ellen May is in custody? A: a rocking chair; Q: What does the delivery man set up for Winona? Summary: Drew Thompson tells the Marshals he will refuse his deal for WITSEC unless he knows that Ellen May is safe. Meanwhile, Augustine tells Johnny that Theo Tonin, the Detroit mob boss, has heard from his informants that Drew won't enter protective custody to testify against Tonin unless Ellen May is safe. The Detroit mobsters figure they can use Ellen May to deter Drew from testifying. Augustine gets Johnny to help retrieve Ellen May. Johnny calls Limehouse, but Limehouse refuses to cooperate. Augustine then offers to give Boyd $300,000 to buy back Ellen May since Johnny can't get it done. In exchange for Ellen May, Augustine will hand over Johnny, who betrayed Boyd. Raylan, Rachel, and Tim head to Limehouse's holler where Limehouse denies Ellen May is on the property, but dares them to search. Ava, who snuck in through a back entrance, offers the $300,000 to Limehouse, but he tells Ava he released Ellen May. Instead of taking money for Ellen May, Limehouse determines it is in his best interest to let Ellen May go (instead of taking money) to avoid extra heat from the Marshals, maintain his reputation as a protector of women in trouble, and also to avoid potential armed confrontation with Boyd and the Detroit mobsters. Ava and Colt head to the church from separate origination points, while Boyd, Augustine, and Picker head to Nicky Cush's house to find Ellen May. Cush confesses Ellen May is at the church after Boyd shoots him in the foot and presses against the wound. At the church, Ava gets there first and overhears Ellen May confessing Delroy's murder to Cassie, as well as her participation in the disposal of his body. Ava finds herself unable to kill Ellen May, so Boyd instead instructs Colt to do the deed. Tim arrives at the church just as Colt prepares to kill Ellen May. The two have a stand off and Tim guns Colt down in self-defense after Colt raises his gun. Raylan arrives and takes Ellen May into custody, where she is reunited with Drew at the Marshals' office. Boyd and Ava decide their last play is to move and hide Delroy's body to avoid incrimination now that Ellen May is in custody. Later, a delivery man sets up a rocking chair for Winona, Raylan's wife. The last shot of the episode is of the delivery man, who turns out to be Picker, one of Augustine's henchmen.

[ EXT. Forrest - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Horse rears and whinnies ) Coachman: Whoa! Highwayman: Stand and deliver! Coachman: Do as he says. I've heard of this brigand. He's known as the Knightmare! Faster than Sam Swift the Quick, deadlier than Deadly Dupont. Highwayman: Dabbling lowpads the pair of 'em, with terrible pseudonyms to boot. Cash bags, jewels, the lot. Mr Fanshawe: I will not be robbed by some lone, ranting cavalier! Highwayman: Who says I am alone? Lucy Fanshawe: ( gasps ) ( Growling ) Lucy Fanshawe: ( screams ) The Doctor: Right. ( Beeping ) The Doctor: Warm. ( Beeping intensifies ) The Doctor: Warmer. Coachman: We are cursed. The Knightmare is in league with the devil. Highwayman: Aye, Satan's sidekick, me. Where's the rest? Lucy Fanshawe: What else would you take from me, sir? Highwayman: You know what I want. Hand over the amulet. The Doctor: Hello. Mr Fanshawe: Wah! The Doctor: Oh, don't mind me, don't mind me. I'm only going to be a minute. Don't worry. Oh, very warm. Highwayman: What are you doing? The Doctor: Oh, just ignore me, I'm just passing through, like fish in the night. Highwayman: This is a robbery! The Doctor: It's not fish in the night, it's something else. Highwayman: This is my robbery. The Doctor: No, ships in the night. Yeah, something like that. Highwayman: Step aside or I shall blow your brains out. The Doctor: Sorry, were you talking to me there? Try again, I promise I'll listen this time. Highwayman: You have interrupted my robbery, sir, and you will step away, if you wish to take another breath. Coachman: You're going to get us all killed, if you don't shut your mouth. The Doctor: Sorry. Sorry, I really was planning to listen that time but, basically, I didn't. Usually, someone hits me at this point, but she's taking the Year 7s for taekwondo. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ( Beeping intensifies ) The Doctor: Yes! Got you! ( The Doctor laughs ) Oh, hang on. If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a robbery. Highwayman: I am robbing these people, you are getting out of my way. The Doctor: I just need one tiny little thing from this box. Highwayman: This is my robbery! The Doctor: Well, can't we share it? Isn't that what robbery's all about? Coachman: Yargh! The Doctor: Oh, no! No, no, no! Highwayman: You bungled my heist. The Doctor: No, you bungled mine, Zorro! Highwayman: Whey-faced fool! The Doctor: Yeah, well, why don't you show your face? At least I show my face, what's wrong with yours? Highwayman / Ashildr: Nothing, Doctor. The Doctor: You?! Ashildr: Yes, it is me. What took you so long, old man? [SCENE_BREAK] The Woman Who Lived [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: "Old man?" Ashildr: It seemed apt. Life expectancy is 35 these days. Well, for everyone else. The Doctor: But didn't you know it was me? Ashildr: Of course, you don't forget the man who saved your life. It's good to see you. The Doctor: Yes, I didn't get that impression when you were threatening to kill me. Ashildr (male voice): The Knightmare has a reputation to maintain. The Doctor: It's a very good voice. How do you do that? Ashildr: Practice. The Doctor: Last time I saw you, you were founding a leper colony. I was so proud of you. Ashildr: Proud of me? You weren't even there. The Doctor: Yes, I was. You didn't see me, but I saw you. Ashildr: And you just left me there? The Doctor: Well, you seemed... fine. Ashildr: In a leper colony? No matter... you're here now. We should celebrate. The Doctor: Oh, no, this isn't a visit, I've got a job to do. I'm here looking for an alien object which has no business being here on Earth in 1651. It was just... It just so happened, you know, that my tracking device, it led me to the carriage that you were, you know, robbing. There wasn't... I didn't... It was... Ashildr: You mean, you haven't come for me? The Doctor: No. It was just a coincidence. ( Church bell chimes ) The Doctor: Oh, Ashildr, I'm sorry. Ashildr: Who's Ashildr? The Doctor: You are, that's your name. Ashildr, daughter of Einarr. Chuckles. I used to call him Chuckles. Do you remember? Ashildr: Yes. I think I remember the village. The Doctor: You loved that village. Ashildr: If you say so. The Doctor: Anyone in that village would have died for you. Ashildr: Well, they're all dead now, and here I am. So, I guess it all worked out. The Doctor: Ashildr... Ashildr: That's not my name. I don't even remember that name. The Doctor: Well, what... what do you call yourself? Ashildr: Me. The Doctor: Yes, you, there's nobody else here. Ashildr: No... I call myself Me. All the other names I chose died with whoever knew me. Me is who I am now. No-one's mother, daughter, wife. My own companion. Singular. Unattached. Alone. Anyway, I should get started. Jump on, I'll give you a ride. You can help me. The Doctor: With what? Ashildr: Packing. ( Horse whinnies ) Ashildr: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Ashildr's mansion - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: It's a big place for someone who lives on their own. Ashildr: I have a servant. And all manner of visitors drop in. ( Growling ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Ashildr's mansion ] Ashildr: Your device... what is it? The Doctor: My curioscanner? Oh, it, er, it sort of scans for... It scans for curios. I've just realising how it got its name. It's been tracking exoplanetary energy for the last couple of weeks. I've been following it across the galaxy. Ashildr: And do you know what you're looking for? The Doctor: I've got a pretty good idea, yes. Why? Ashildr: I wasn't just robbing Lucie Fanshawe for her loot. She's bragged about having the rarest gem in the land, an ancient amulet from foreign parts. Could it be we are looking for the same prize? The Doctor: Clearly, you don't need money. So why do you rob? Ashildr: For the adventure, Doctor. Isn't that what life's all about? I've had 800 years of adventure, enough to fill a library if you write it down. The Doctor: A medieval queen? How exciting. Ashildr: You'd think. It was paperwork and backgammon mainly, as I recall. Ended up faking my own death. Did a bunk before the evisceration. Now this... was much more my thing. The Battle of Agincourt. My first stint as a man. No-one will ever know that a mere woman helped end the Hundred Years' War. The Doctor: You're immortal, not indestructible. You can be hurt, killed even. Ashildr: 10,000 hours is all it takes to master any skill. Over 100,000 hours and you're the best there's ever been. I don't need to be indestructible, I'm superb. You should have seen me. I could shoot six arrows a minute. I got so close to the enemy, I penetrated armour. The Doctor: How many people have you killed? Ashildr: You'll have to check my diaries. The Doctor: You can't remember? Ashildr: For what it's worth, I've saved many lives too. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Flashback: Village ] ( Crowd chant ) Ashildr: I cured an entire village of scarlet fever once, almost got drowned as a witch for my troubles Fortunately, I'm really good at holding my breath. Ungrateful peasants. [ End Flashback ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: The Black Death, 1348. I meant to warn you. Ashildr: I got sick but I got better. The Doctor: Of course, your immune system is learning too. There's another bout coming. And a big fire that tears through London. Ashildr: Excellent. Maybe I start it. The Doctor: No, that was the Terileptils. Surgeon, scientist, inventor, composer, it's a fantastic CV. Ashildr: You should try my journals. I read them myself now and then. Drink pomace wine, have a little "me" time. The Doctor: You don't seem the nostalgic type. Ashildr: It's not nostalgia, it's curiosity. I can't remember most of it. That's the trouble with an infinite life and a normal sized memory. The Doctor: It can't have been easy, outliving the people you love. Ashildr: According to my journals... hell. The Doctor: Sorry. Ashildr: You'll have to remind me, what's sorrow like? It all just runs out, Doctor. I'm just what's left. In fact, I've done all I can here. I look up to the sky and wonder what it's like out there. Please, take me with you. All these people here, they're like smoke, they blow away in a moment. You don't know what it's like. The Doctor: I do know what it's like. Ashildr: Then, however you fly, whatever ship you sail in, take me with you. The Doctor: How do you know I had a ship? Ashildr: Because I'm incredibly clever. It doesn't matter... take me with you. The Doctor: We'll talk about it. Ashildr: This thing you're looking for, I'll help you find it. It'll be quicker. The Doctor: I don't need your help. Ashildr: Yes, you do. I know where Lucie Fanshawe lives, and I'm an excellent house-breaker. We'll leave in an hour. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Ashildr's mansion library - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] Ashildr (O.C.): "Today is the day I should have died. Instead, I was re-born, by my hero, a man called The Doctor. My love is dying. It broke my heart when the questions started and I knew I had to leave him. I returned to find an old man who smiles and thinks I am a dream. I am flesh and blood, my love, but all you see is a ghost." The Doctor: "Tears." [SCENE_BREAK] [ Flashback: Village - Daytime ] Ashildr (O.C.): "The Plague. Mass graves." ( Woman sobs ) [ End Flashback ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor (reads): "Sightless children... clutching toys as they sleep, never to wake up. My children. My screams. I could not save you... little ones. Such pain. And yet, still... still I am not brave enough to die, to let go of this... wretched life. I will endure... but no more babies." ( She sobs ) The Doctor (reads): "I cannot... will not suffer such heartbreak again." The Doctor (O.C.): "From now on, it's me against the world." [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Ashildr's mansion - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Growling ) Ashildr: Quiet, my friend. We have a visitor. I didn't get it, but I will. If your promise stands, I'll have it by dawn My visitor can help me. Don't worry, he doesn't know about you, only about the artefact. He has no idea what we intend to do with it. ( Growling ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Ashildr's mansion - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: I read your journals. Why are there pages missing? Ashildr: When things get really bad, I tear the memories out. The Doctor: What could be worse than losing your children? Ashildr: I keep that entry to remind me not to have any more. The Doctor: I've left you alone too long. I had no idea how much you'd suffered, but I remember the person you used to be. She's still in there. I can help you find her. Ashildr: Spare me your pity, I'm fine. The Doctor: I think this is just another mask that you wear to protect you from the pain. Ashildr: I think the alternative frightens you, that this is who I've become. The Doctor: This is no way to live your life, de-sensitised to the world. Ashildr: So you intend to fix me? Make me feel again, then run away? I don't need your help, Doctor, you need mine. Just this once, you can't run off like you usually do. The Doctor: How do you know? How do you know what I usually do? We've met once in a Viking village, I didn't give you my life story. Ashildr: It's true though, isn't it? You're the man who runs away. The Doctor: Oh, who told you that? Ashildr: Maybe I just worked it out. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Ashildr's mansion - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Growling ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Fanshawe residence - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] Ashildr: Housebreaks can be tricky. The Doctor: Not for me. Sonic technology. It should be able to deactivate any alarms. Ashildr: What's an alarm? The most wanted in the land. The Doctor: Now is not the time to be showing off. Ashildr: Now seems like a very good time to me. You'll need a mask, sidekick. Watch and learn. The Doctor: Brought my own, thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Fanshawe residence - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] Ashildr: 'Tis black as night. I have a tinderbox somewhere. ( The Doctor lights a candle with his sonic ) Ashildr: Show off. Know where you're going, do you? The servant's stairs. Follow me. The Doctor: Why are you still alone? What happened to the second immortality charge I gave you? Ashildr: Shh! No-one's good enough. The Doctor: Humans need... Ashildr: Hush! The Doctor: Humans need shared experiences. Ashildr: I'm regretting sharing this one. The Doctor: It isn't right for you to be on your own! Servant: Goodnight, Ma'am. Ashildr: I'll wager there's a dressing room. Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Lucie Fanshawe's dressing room - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Ashildr opens a cabinet and the door creaks ) ( Whirring ) Ashildr: Doctor! Doctor, turn that thing off. ( Whirring ) ( Whirring intensifies ) ( Beeping ) The Doctor: The Eyes of Hades! ( She gasps ) ( He gasps ) ( She pants ) ( The Doctor sighs ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Fanshawe living room - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Man snores ) The Doctor (whispers): Let's just go round and see if we can't get out the back. Ashildr (whispers): OK. ( Man snores softly ) ( Floorboard creaks ) Mr Fanshawe: Lucie? Lucie? Lucie? ( Fanshawe exits the room, door opens and closes ) ( Metal clatters ) Mr Fanshawe (O.C.): There is an intruder on the premises! Bring me my blunderbuss! The Doctor: What are you doing?! Ashildr: It's kill or be killed. The Doctor: No, we can't. We should hide! Mr Fanshawe: Guard the doors! Alert the militia! Ashildr: Your feet, you oaf! Oh, I said you'd be a liability. Just let me shoot them and be done with it! The Doctor: You're the liability. I never have this trouble with Clara. Ashildr: Oh, is she still with you, is she? The Doctor: ( grunts ) Oh, you remember Clara, do you? Ashildr: Of course. I take particular note of anyone's weaknesses. Mr Fanshawe (O.C.): Search every nook and cranny! I warrant they will hang for this! Ashildr: So what's wrong with Clara, then? The Doctor: There's nothing wrong with her. Ashildr: Why haven't you made her immortal? The Doctor: Well, look how you turned out. Ashildr: She'll die on you, you know. She'll blow away like smoke. The Doctor: Save your breath. Ashildr: How old are you, Doctor? The Doctor: Older than you. Ashildr: And how many have you lost? How many Claras? [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Forrest - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Robbery, burglary, that's capital. Meat and drink to the hangman, Ashildr. Ashildr: I'm not Ashildr, I'm Me. And I fear no hangman in Christendom! ( Crow caws ) Sam Swift: Ah-ha! Ashildr: Sam Swift the Quick! I wouldn't be so bold if I were you. Don't you know who I am? Sam Swift: The Knightmare, which is why I'm not alone. Ashildr: 'Tis hardly a fair fight. Sam Swift: And it was fair when you stole my patch? Ashildr: Is that a fake nose, Sam? They should call you Sam Sniffed! Sam Swift: What's wrong with it? It's perfectly normal, isn't it? Ashildr: For an anteater maybe. Sam Swift: Ooh! Well, never knew you were so puny, Knightmare. Or should I say, Slightmare. ( Laughter ) The Doctor: No, not the puns. Line in the sand, no puns. Ashildr: It's what's in my brain that counts, Bingo Boy. Sam Swift: Well, no brain outwits a bullet, Dandyprat. The Doctor: This is banter. I'm against banter. I'm on record on the subject of banter. Sam Swift: Lay down your arms, hand over the loot, or I'll shoot. Ashildr: ( sighs ) We better had. He'll probably aim to miss and hit one of us. The Doctor: We could give you cash instead. Sam Swift: Who's this? Your sidekick? You've got your dad as a sidekick? The Doctor: I'm not his dad, I'm the Doctor. Sam Swift: Is that the best name you could come up with? The Doctor: What, says Sam Swift the Quick? That's trying a bit too hard, isn't it? Or are you a little bit slow? Sam Swift: You what? Oi! The Doctor: I rest my case. No-one outwits the Knightmare. Sam Swift: If you value the life of your sidekick, back off! Put the weapon down! Who's slow now, Doctor? The Doctor: Good question. Sam Swift: Please, Knightmare, I don't want to die. Let's have honour amongst us! The Doctor: Also can you confirm that I'm not your dad? Ashildr: What do you say, Dad? I should kill him? He'll be dead in a minute, what difference does it make? The Doctor: Kill him and you make an enemy of me. Ashildr: Run. The Doctor: I know their lives are short, I understand, but those lives do matter. Ashildr: Shut up. You're not my dad. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Ashildr's Mansion - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: I have a theory about the amulet. ( Man coughs ) Clayton: Morning, sir. Forgive me, but might I enquire into who you are? The Doctor: The Doctor. Clayton: Clayton, sir. Would you care for a cocktail, milady? Ashildr: Oh, yes, please. ( Clayton coughs ) Ashildr: Half blind and deaf as a post. He's no use any more really, but... The Doctor: You keep him on. See, you do have a heart. You don't fool me. Ashildr: How do I look? The Doctor: Pink. Are you coming down with something? Look, why would an alien artefact resemble the Eyes of Hades, King of the Underworld? An ancient Greek talisman which wards off evil and protects those in death on their journey to an afterlife? Ashildr: You tell me. The Doctor: Could it be that the mythology originated on another planet? Ashildr: You can't wait to get going and find out, I'll wager. The Doctor: No. I think I want to stick around and keep an eye on you for a while. Ashildr: Get me back on track? The Doctor: Well, why not? Hey, we're a good team. Ashildr: Then take me with you. The Doctor: You don't want to get stuck with an old fool like me. You have this whole wonderful planet to play on. Ashildr: It takes a day to get to Kent. The Doctor: In the future, you'll fly. Ashildr: I want to fly right now. I have waited... longer than I should ever have lived. I have lost more than I can even remember. Please, Doctor... just get me out of this. I want more than this. I deserve more than this! Why not? Why not?! The Doctor: Because it wouldn't be good. Ashildr, please. Ashildr. Ashildr: I am not Ashildr any more. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Loud snarling ) The Doctor: Do you have a cat? It sounds like a very big cat. Hence the very big cat flap. Ashildr: Leandro, meet the Doctor. You thought I was helping you. In fact, it was the other way round. Leandro, we have it. My friend here was as useful as I'd hoped. The Doctor: If somebody needed my help, why did nobody just ask? I am forced to assume you have plans and I wouldn't approve. Oh, Ashildr... Ashildr: Stop calling me that. The Doctor: Kill me! Leandro: Why? The Doctor: If you intend any harm to this planet, or its people, then killing me is by far your best move. Leandro: You invite your own death? The Doctor: No. I just want you to attack first. Then my conscience is clear. Leandro: Of what? The Doctor: You. Leandro: ( laughs ) You are not of this world, or part of my plans. I have no quarrel with you. The Doctor: Then tell me why you are here and what you intend to do. Otherwise, get on with trying to kill me. But I advise you -- be very quick and very sure. Leandro: I am from Delta Leonis. My tribe was overthrown, my world destroyed, my wife killed as we escaped. The Doctor: Using the amulet? That's your means of travel? Leandro: I lost it when I crashed to Earth. Ashildr: I found him in my grounds. He's been sleeping there while I searched for it. The Doctor: The Underworld, gateway to an afterlife. Another reality... Ashildr: We need it to open a portal, travel the galaxy. The Doctor: Oh! Oh, so what's the plan, Ashildr? Fancy yourself as his new Queen? Hunting, running errands while he sleeps. Ashildr: Oh, dear God... You're just like every other man. I'm not looking for a husband, you oaf. I'm looking for a horse to get me out of town. You said no. The Doctor: Oh, what? And you think you can trust him? Ashildr: He knows what it is to be alone. The Doctor: So do I! Ashildr: Then how could you do what you did? The Doctor: I'm looking for the headline here. Ashildr: The what? The Doctor: Well, you know, you want to escape? Well, go on. Escape as much as you like! Why would I not approve? Ashildr: The amulet... The Doctor: What about it? Leandro: A death is required. It is only way the amulet works. The Doctor: Of course. Every single death is a tiny fracture in reality. Now the amulet can lever the fracture open. Primitive, but effective. Ashildr: It's just exploiting an abundant resource. There's so much dying here. The Doctor: Who dies so you can run away? Ashildr: Clayton? Clayton: Coming, my lady. The Doctor: No, you can't. He loves you. Ashildr: To the end, it would seem. Leandro: Would you rather take his place? ( Roaring ) Ashildr: Not the Doctor, we agreed! The Doctor: Oh, Ashildr, daughter of Einarr... what happened to you? Ashildr: You did, Doctor. You happened. The Doctor: I know you've suffered. Your children dying... Ashildr: They would have died anyway. Human life is fleeting. People are mayflies, breeding and dying, repeating the same mistakes. It's boring. And I'm stuck here. Abandoned by the one man who should know what eternity feels like. Who should understand. The Doctor: I do, now, but... Ashildr: You still won't take me with you. You gad about while I trudge through the centuries, day by day, hour by hour. Do you ever think or care what happens after you've flown away? I live in the world you leave behind. Because you abandoned me to it. The Doctor: Why should I be responsible for you? Ashildr: You made me immortal! The Doctor: I saved your life. I didn't know that your heart would rust because I kept it beating. I didn't think your conscience would need renewing, that the well of human kindness would run dry. I just wanted to save a terrified young woman's life. Ashildr: You didn't save my life, Doctor. You trapped me inside it. And now I've found someone who can set me free. Someone who understands. The Doctor: Look, I don't know what Lenny the Lion is up to, but I know his type. Very first argument, guaranteed he'll bite your head off. Ashildr: Or I'll bite his off. Perhaps I'll enjoy that. The Doctor: You're playing with fire. Open that portal and you have no idea what horrors might come through. Ashildr: That's as good a reason as any to do it. The Doctor: You're not like this. I know you're not. Ashildr: This is exactly what I'm like. This is what you made of me! The Doctor: He'll kill you. Ashildr: He'll have to be fast. And if he does... perhaps it's about time. ( Banging on door ) Pikeman (O.C.): Lady Me? Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: Oh, Lady Me, thank goodness you are safe. Sam Swift has been captured and he swore the Knightmare was heading in this direction. Ashildr: I've not seen him. Pikeman William Stout: Sam Swift will hang in Tyburn at noon. Ashildr: In half an hour? A guilty man destined to die? No harm in that. I have not seen the Knightmare. But this is his sidekick, the Doctor. He was robbing me. I only just managed to overpower him. Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: You will hang for this! The Doctor: No, listen, I was trying to help her, she tied... Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: Silence or... we'll shoot. Ashildr: He needn't hang. But keep him under lock and key, for all our sakes. Clayton: Was that the door? Oh, dear. Always the quiet ones. Ashildr: Goodbye, Clayton. You see? I do have a heart. The Doctor: In which case, don't do it. [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Do I look like some feckless thief? I'm on your side. I'm an undercover constable from Scotland Yard. Do you have Scotland Yard yet? Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: Been on the cider, have we? The Doctor: The Dunbar Victory medal. I was decorated for valour in battle. Pikeman William Stout: Tell it to the Newgate gaoler. The Doctor: All I want is to bring the Knightmare to justice. Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: But you were robbing Lady Me. The Doctor: I came to warn her. I fear her life is in danger. Look! It's the Knightmare, cloaked and in disguise, bound for Tyburn. You have to let me go or take me there. Pikeman William Stout: You wish to hang too? The Doctor: Well... Will you take me there if I say yes? Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: Indeed! There's a bounty on your head for 20 pounds. The Doctor: 20 pounds? Is that all? Pikeman William Stout: 'Tis a small fortune to us. The Doctor: Well, in that case, I know where Lady Me keeps all of her money. Almost 30 pounds. Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: Now why didn't you say that in the first place? [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Hyah! [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Village - Daytime ] Crowd: ( jeering ) Hang him! Hang him! Sam Swift: All right, calm down! Steady on! Such a good turn out. I'm honoured. Yeah... I, er... Hey, he's new at this. Someone will have to show him the ropes! ( Laughter ) Don't worry mate, you'll get the hang of it. [SCENE_BREAK] Sam Swift: When I'm gone, they'll all say "That Sam Swift, he was well hung!" ( Laughter and cheering ) Well, I think a few of you know that already. Oh, yeah, I'm sure I recognise a few of you lovely ladies. You... and you... I mean I'd introduce you all, but I can't remember your names. Crowd: Boo! Sam Swift: It's a good job you're here, or they'd kill me. ( Bell tolls ) Crowd: Hats off, hats off... [SCENE_BREAK] Man: Stretch his neck! Sam Swift: Mary? Meg? Help me out here, miss. Man: That's Mrs Baxter to you! Sam Swift: That's a funny name for a fella! Leandro: It's time. Sam Swift: I've got plenty more. Jokes, that is, as well as women. Leandro: Hang him now! Crowd: Hang him! Hang him! [SCENE_BREAK] Man: Make us laugh, Sam! Sam Swift: Aye... For while you laugh, I live. It was raining on the way over here. But the hangman says to me, "It's all right for you, I've got to walk back through this." What are you paying for, my beauty? Ashildr: To make it quick. A fitting end for you, Sam Swift. Sam Swift: Who should be the last to kiss these lips? Women: Me! Me! Me! Sam Swift: They must mean you, Lady Me! ( she kisses him on the lips ) You remind me of someone. And now I want to live more than ever. The Doctor: Sorry, yes. Sorry about the horse! Excuse me! Sorry, excuse me. Excuse me! Sorry! Leandro: Time to hang. Crowd: Hang him! Hang him! Sam Swift: All right, all right, as God is my Highwayman. He steals the most precious gift of all. Life! Magical, filled with adventures! And at least I can say I lived mine to the full. Woman: I love you, Sam Swift! Sam Swift: Is that the Doctor? Doctor, Doctor! I'm a robber. ( Confused murmuring ) The Doctor: Have you taken anything for it? ( Laughter ) Sam Swift: Doctor, doctor... The Doctor: Quick man, I'm running out of patients! Sam Swift: Have you ever seen such a sidekick so old? The Doctor: I'm no-one's sidekick. Sam Swift: He's so old, he farts dust! The Doctor: And his nose is so big that... Sam Swift: They'll have to widen the noose! The Doctor: Or, or bury him in a pyramid. Sam Swift: You know what they say, big nose... Crowd: Oooooh! The Doctor: Big handkerchief? ( Laughter ) Sam Swift: No! Doctor, don't leave me hanging. The Doctor: Wait! I have a pardon here for Sam Swift from Cromwell himself. Hangman: Sam Swift is pardoned! ( Shouts and jeering ) Man: We didn't come all this way not to see someone hang. Man: What about the Doctor? Crowd: Hang the Doctor. Hang the Doctor! Hang the Doctor. Hang the Doctor! Ashildr: Ssh... You want to see someone die? How's this? The Doctor: No! Ashildr, no! ( Pulsing and whirring ) The Doctor: Purple -- colour of death. His life force is opening a portal. Ashildr: To my new life. The Doctor: Or to Hell. Leandro: ( Roaring ) Man: A lion man! Man: Look! Ashildr: Goodbye, Doctor. Leandro: You are going nowhere. The Doctor: Doors work both ways. They let people out and they let the enemy in. Ashildr: What's that? What's happening? What are those things? The Doctor: Space ships, or they will be. They're coming through the rift, actualising in this plane of reality. Ashildr: You said you were the last of the Leonians. We were meant to escape. Leandro: You shall. In death. ( Screaming ) Ashildr: No! Doctor, what have I done? What have I done to these people? Stop this! They are defenceless. Leandro: ( Roaring ) The Doctor: Ashildr! He doesn't care. Ashildr: But I do. Oh, God, I do. I actually do, I... I care. The Doctor: It's awful, isn't it? It's infuriating. You think you don't care and then you fall off the wagon. Ashildr: Never mind about me. What are we going to do about them? We have to help them. They need you. They need us. The Doctor: Welcome back! Ashildr: Well? Do something then! The Doctor: OK! OK... Erm... Eyes of Hades, Afterlife, death opens up a gateway... We need to close it. Ashildr: Yeah, I know, but how? The Doctor: Sam Swift, he's the conduit. The amulet, it's still in him. It's his death that's opening the rift. So what do we do? Ashildr: Reverse it. Leandro: You cannot reverse death. Ashildr: Oh, yes, we can! The Doctor: Run! Leandro: No, my lady. They will destroy me for this. The light of immortality. ( snarls ) Spare me, my brothers! ( screams ) Sam Swift: I'm alive. I'm alive! Ah-ha-ha-ha! ( Cheering ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Ye Swan (with two necks) Inn ] [SCENE_BREAK] Sam Swift: Last thing I remember is you turning up, Doctor. Good thing too. Between you and me, I was running out of material. The Doctor: Yeah, I could tell. Gave a whole new meaning to dying on stage. Sam Swift: Gallows humour can be tricky. But at least there's never a second house. We've nearly finished these. I'll get some more in. Er, by the way... I've not forgotten that kiss. Ashildr: Is he immortal now? The Doctor: Do you want him to be? Ashildr: I don't think I want anyone to be. The Doctor: Well, probably not. Probably the power would have been drained by the whole opening and reversing the portal thingy. There'll be enough power to bring him... back, but not enough power to keep him here. Probably. Ashildr: Did you just make all of that up? The Doctor: Yeah... But it's hard to keep track of all this... stuff. Keep an eye on him though. He might be around for a while. Or not. Who can say? Ashildr: You're still not going to take me with you, are you? The Doctor: People like us, we go on too long. We forget what matters. The last thing we need is each other. We need the mayflies. See, the mayflies, they know more than we do. They know how beautiful and precious life is because it's fleeting. Look how Sam Swift made every last moment count, right to the gallows. Look how glad he is to be alive. I looked into your eyes and I saw my worst fears. Weariness. Emptiness. Ashildr: That's why you can't travel with me. Our perspectives are too vast. Too far away. The Doctor: You're not the first, you know. I did travel with another immortal once. Captain Jack Harkness. Ashildr: Who? The Doctor: He'll get round to you eventually. Who told you about me? The man who comes for the battle and runs away from the fallout. Ashildr: Take your pick. You've had an impact on this world. You've made waves. The Doctor: Sometimes tidal waves. Ashildr: I'm flattered. The Doctor: Well, you should be. You're an extraordinary woman, Ashildr. But... I think I'm going to have to keep an eye on you. Ashildr: No. The Doctor: No? Ashildr: Someone has to look out for the people you abandon. Who better than me? I'll be the patron saint of the Doctor's leftovers. While you're busy protecting this world, I'll get busy protecting it from you. The Doctor: So are we enemies now? Ashildr: Of course not. Enemies are never a problem. It's your friends you have to watch out for. And, my friend... I'll be watching out for you. The Doctor: Ashildr... I think I'm very glad I saved you. Ashildr: Oh, I think everyone will be. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. TARDIS ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Guitar playing ) Clara: Hey! Hello? The Doctor: Oh, hello! Hi! Clara: Did you miss me? The Doctor: Be more specific. Who are you? Clara: Ha-ha! I've got a present for you. The Doctor: Why? Am I ill? Clara: No. The Doctor: Are you ill? Clara: No. The Doctor: Are you never going to travel with me again, because I said a thing? Clara: It's not a good present. The Doctor: Oh, well that's a relief. Clara: OK, Evie Hubbard? Year Seven, you helped her out with her homework? Imaginary interview with Winston Churchill. You basically cheated. The Doctor: That was her fault because she should have stressed "imaginary." Clara: Anyway, she got an A and so... she has sent you a selfie. The Doctor: Yes, you're right. That is not a good present. Clara: Come on... The Doctor: Do they make sherbet lemons any more? And I'd like a Ferrari. What about a Ferrari? Clara: I knew you'd be thrilled. The Doctor: OK, come on, let me see. Let me see, let me see, let me see. Ha... Clara: What's wrong? The Doctor: Nothing. Nothing at all! Clara: Doctor? The Doctor: Tell her next time, I'll take cash. Clara: So... Where are you going to take me? The Doctor: Wherever you want. Clara: Hmm... Somewhere... Somewhere magical. Somewhere new! The Doctor: Ah, there is nowhere new under the sun! Above it, on the other hand... I've missed you, Clara Oswald. Clara: Well, don't worry, daft old man. I'm not going anywhere. ( Metallic thrumming ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ NEXT TIME ] [SCENE_BREAK] 20 million Zygons have been allowed to take human form and are now living amongst us. Any living thing in this world, including my family and friends, could turn into a Zygon and kill me. It's not paranoia when it's real. They've kidnapped Osgood and they've stolen the location of every Zygon on Earth. The Doctor: Run away! Doctor, the ceasefire's broken down. The Doctor: He have a Zygon revolution on our hands. Zygon: We've won the first battle. There will be truth... And now we are going to begin the war... or there will be consequences. I think you might be right. About what? The end of the world.

Plan: A: 1651 England; Q: Where is the Doctor in this episode? A: Lucie Fanshawe; Q: Who does Me try to rob? A: loved ones; Q: What does Me isolate herself from? A: the artefact; Q: What do the Doctor and Me steal from Lucie's house? A: Leandro; Q: Who is Me's ally? A: a leonine alien; Q: What kind of alien is Leandro? A: Earth; Q: Where is Leandro stranded? A: the galaxy; Q: What does Me want to travel? A: another person's death; Q: What does the artefact require to be activated? A: Sam Swift; Q: Who does Me kill to open the portal? A: her humanity; Q: What does Me rediscover? A: the crowd; Q: Who does Me see being attacked by spaceships? A: the medical chip; Q: What does Me use to save Sam Swift? A: Leandro's people; Q: Who kills Leandro? A: his failure; Q: What was Leandro killed for? Summary: The Doctor is alone and on the trail of an alien artefact in 1651 England. He interrupts Ashildr, now calling herself "Me", attempting to rob Lucie Fanshawe. Throughout her immortal life, she has lost many memories, and now isolates herself as to not lose loved ones. Me and the Doctor steal the artefact from Lucie's house. The Doctor meets Me's ally Leandro, a leonine alien stranded on Earth who uses the artefact to open portals into space. In return for Me tricking the Doctor into helping him, Leandro has agreed to let her come with him to travel the galaxy. However, in order for the portal to be activated, the artefact requires another person's death. Me kills the outlaw Sam Swift, opening the portal. Leandro reveals that his intent is to assist his people in invading Earth. When Me rediscovers her humanity after seeing spaceships attack the crowd, she uses the medical chip to save Swift, closing the portal. Leandro's people kill him for his failure. Afterwards, Me says that she will look after those that the Doctor leaves behind.

[ The apartment ] Sheldon: Hello. I'm Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents Fun with Flags, the final episode flagtacular. (gasps) I knew it was coming. Still scary. Now, I'm sure you're thinking, the final episode? Who will stand between us and flag ignorance? Amy: I know I was thinking that. Is this a show on flags or mind reading? Sheldon: But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend. Amy: And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board. Sheldon: So as they say, all good things must come to an end. Amy: After only 232 episodes. Sheldon: 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on. Amy: You said you weren't gonna bring that up. Sheldon: And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I'm sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who's Wavin' 'Em and Why? Amy: That was a good one. Sheldon: It was so good. [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ We built the Wall ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] We built the pyramids [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] Bang! [SCENE_BREAK] [ An office at the university ] Raj: You know, I thought cleaning out a dead professor's office was gonna just be boring, but then I found his dentures and realized it's also gross. Howard: Doesn't Professor Abbott's family want any of this stuff? Leonard: I don't think he had a family. Raj: That's rough. Leonard: I know. You can spend your whole life working, and at the end all that's left are some papers in a box. Howard: Makes you think. Oh, well. Leonard: Hey. Hey, we're supposed to look through all this stuff before we throw it away in case it's important. Howard: I did. It's all outdated or disproved. Raj: I don't know. This old pen kind of proves gravity. When I tilt it, her bathing suit falls right off. Howard: Oh, my dad used to have a pen like that. I dated it all through sixth grade. Leonard: It still feels weird just throwing away his work like this. Howard: Don't feel bad. Someday someone will be throwing out your work, too. Leonard: That someone was Sheldon, and the day was yesterday. Hey, look at this. Dear Roger, to be opened upon your first great discovery. Love, Mom. Wow, look at the date. He saved this fifty years and never got to open it. Howard: That's intense. Raj: Poor Roger Abbott. Howard: Roger Abbott sounds just like Roger Rabbit. Raj: Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott. Oh, my God, Leonard, I know he's dead, but try it. It's fun. Roger Abbott, Roger Abbott. [SCENE_BREAK] [ A hotel conference room ] Dan: Penny. Oh, my rookie of the year. Penny: Oh, Dan. My boss who didn't want to hire me and now's a little hug machine. Dan: Oh, look at you. Brand-new and already the third best sales rep. Penny: Aw. Dan: Yes. Why don't you come over to my table. Penny: I'll be right there. Bernadette's just parking the car. Dan: Oh, good. Bernadette. Cute, sweet, vicious little Bernadette. Penny: Come on. She's not that bad. Dan: Oh, yeah? At the company picnic she yelled at me and my grandson for losing the three-legged race. I mean, he still calls her that mean kid with the big boobies. Penny: I know she can be a little intense, but, I swear, she is so sweet once you get past all the... Bernadette: Hey, what are you talking about? Penny: Oh. We were just talking about how much we love working with you. Isn't that right? Dan? [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] Sheldon: Over the years here at Fun With Flags, we've had an opportunity to learn, laugh, wonder. Amy: And, yes, even shed a tear or two. Sheldon: Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn't get recorded. Amy: How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? Sheldon: How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights. Highlight 1 Sheldon: Crikey, what flag do we have today? Amy: Australia, mate. Highlight 2 Sheldon: And now it's time for the speed round of Flag or Not a Flag. Kripke: Fwag, fwag, not a fwag, fwag, I am cwushing this. Highlight 3 Amy: Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on? Sheldon: I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock. Amy: Then who did sew it, hmm? Sheldon: Don't ask me. I'm just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck. Highlight 4 Sheldon: Fancy a dip, my dear? Amy: I do. Sheldon: Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present. Amy: Wow, that flag is a lifesaver. Sheldon: No. This is. Stop looking at my legs. Highlight 5 Kripke: Not a fwag, fwag, fwag, not a fwag. Fwag. Ugh cwap. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The office ] Raj: When stuff like this gets me down, you know what I like to do? Howard: Sing Hakuna Matata like an eight-year-old girl? Raj: Wrong, smarty-pants. It's Everything Is Awesome from The Lego Movie. Leonard: Look at these notebooks. They're full of pages and pages of data. He clearly spent years on this. Howard: Mmm. It's just columns of random numbers. Toss it. Leonard: Well, but what if this was a potential breakthrough for him? What if, what if this is the thing that would've finally let him open that bottle of champagne? Raj: Maybe he didn't know what to pair champagne with. Strawberries, caviar, oysters. All good choices. Yeah, that look right there is why people eat before they come to your parties. Leonard: This has to mean something. Howard: Well, there's no discernible pattern that I can see, but it shouldn't be too hard to run the numbers and check. Leonard: Well, maybe we can get some time on the supercomputer. Howard: Sure. We could try multiple regressions with varying physical and experimental constants. Leonard: Oh, we could run a pattern-matching algorithm against well-known unsolved physics problems. Howard: Ooh, it might be a substitution cipher. We could start with basic cryptanalysis. Raj: Or we could talk to this guy he used to share an office with. Howard: Oh, let's do that. Leonard: Because you don't know how to do cryptanalysis, do you? Howard: Yeah, I'm not even sure if it's the right word. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The conference room ] Penny: So, Dan, you have a grandson. How old is he? Dan: Seven. Bernadette: Oh, yeah. I remember him from the picnic. He was the one crying like a wuss the whole time. Penny: I heard he was being picked on by a mean kid. Bernadette: Just builds character. Like my dad said, nobody likes a crybaby except their mommies and Democrats." Dan: I need another drink. Bernadette: What's his problem? Penny: Oh, I don't know. Maybe he didn't like the fact that you called his grandson a wuss. Bernadette: Well, I didn't think you were supposed to say sissy anymore. Penny: Okay, look, I know what a good person you are, but sometimes people think you might come off a little harsh. Bernadette: What? I'm, like, the sweetest person I know. Look at me. I should be in a tree baking cookies. Penny: Yes, but once in a while, people think you're a little mean. Bernadette: Oh, yeah? You one of those people? Penny: No. No, no, no. I think the cookie thing. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] Amy: Action. Sheldon: Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton. LeVar Burton: Thank you, Sheldon. Now, remember our deal. Sheldon: You do this, I delete your contact information. LeVar: While? Sheldon: While you watch me do it. LeVar: Great. Happy to be back. Sheldon: Well, since you're here, I'd like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George. LeVar: Oh, hell, no. Sheldon: You heard him, Leonard. No, it's not racist. [SCENE_BREAK] [ An apartment building ] Howard: Are we sure this is the place? Raj: The doorman said this is the right building. Leonard: I think if you're pulling up your pants, you're not a doorman. (Knocks) Man (O.C.): Who is it? Leonard: Uh, I've been looking for a Professor Sharpe? Professor Sharpe: Hold on. Can I help you? Leonard: Hi. We're from the university. We're trying to get some information about Professor Abbott. Howard: We were cleaning out his office and found these books full of numbers. Leonard: Any chance you know what it is? Professor Sharpe: Yes, he was always working on this. Raj: I was thinking it might be some sort of interstellar coordinate system, maybe an updated version of Hubble's law. I keep seeing the number 90 repeating. That could be the angle of perturbation of a distant galaxy. Professor Sharpe: It's the number of calories in a yoghurt. That's his food diary. Leonard: Really? Professor Sharpe: Yeah, he wrote down everything he ever ate. He was convinced that calorie restriction was the key to living forever. Raj: Does it work? Howard: Seriously? Raj: Well, he could have been hit by a bus. You don't know. Professor Sharpe: Sorry it's not more interesting. On the bright side, you didn't have to listen to his stomach growl for 35 years. Leonard: So, was there anything that Professor Abbott worked on during his life that came close to an accomplishment? Professor Sharpe: To be honest, his research never amounted to anything. Raj: You were his colleague. How did your research turn out? Great. Hey, this is the apartment you get when you win a Nobel. Raj: Well, you could be very frugal. I'm getting a little tired of everybody's sarcasm. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The conference room ] Bernadette: I'm not a bully. I mean, maybe I come off a little strong, but that's only because my dad raised me to be tough and not to take crap from anybody. Penny: No. That's fine, but there's a difference between being tough and telling your friend her new pants look like a saggy diaper. Bernadette: I did say that, didn't I? Penny: Yeah, you did. I felt so self-conscious, I had to return them. Bernadette: Where? To Babies R Us? Penny: You're doing it again. Bernadette: Okay, sorry. Can we just go? I feel like everybody hates me. Penny: Oh, come on, they don't hate you, all right? They're just a little intimidated. All you need to do is show everyone how sweet you really are. Bernadette: I think I'd rather go. Penny: No, come on. You are not going anywhere, all right? I am here for you, and we are gonna fix this together. Bernadette: Thank you. Penny: Even though your dress is ugly. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] Sheldon: Well, my little flag-keteers, it looks like the last episode of Fun with Flags is at an end. If I could, I would run each and every one of you viewers up a flagpole and salute you. And if you touched the ground, burn you. I'd like to take a moment to personally thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who you may or may not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner-related Internet info-tainment show. Amy: Take that, glass ceiling. Sheldon: And if I may get serious for a moment, hosting this show has been one crazy ride. But with all its ups and downs, I wouldn't give it up for the world. Except for now, when I'm giving it up. Before I sign off, I'd, uh, I'd like to share with you all one last use for a white flag. It's good for times like this. Good night. Amy: Cut. Sheldon, that was beautiful. Sheldon: If you didn't press record... Amy: I pressed it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The office ] Leonard: Well, that's it. That's the end of Roger Abbott. Raj: And we still don't know who framed him. Leonard: I still keep thinking about how an entire life can seemingly amount to nothing. Howard: I guess the sad truth is, not everyone will accomplish something great. Some of us may just have to find meaning in the little moments that make up life. Leonard: That's a nice way of looking at it. Howard: Yeah for you, not for me. I went to space. I'm covered. Leonard: You know what? This bottle was meant to celebrate an achievement. Let's make a pact. When one of us gets their first big breakthrough, we'll celebrate by opening this bottle of champagne and toasting Professor Abbott. Howard: I love that. Raj: Yeah, me, too. Leonard: Then, of course, rubbing our success in Sheldon's face. Raj: Oh, well, that's the best part. Howard: Oh, yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The conference room ] Bernadette: Dan, could I talk to you for a minute? Dan: Sure, go ahead. Bernadette: Just want you to know I didn't mean to be rude about your grandson. Dan: No, it's okay. Bernadette: No, it's not. Penny told me that everyone's scared of me. Dan: What? What? Why would she say that? You know she drinks, right? Penny: What? Bernadette: No, she's right, and I just want you to know that from now on, I'm gonna be much more sensitive. I don't want anyone walking on eggshells around me. Dan: Oh, well, okay, then, uh, one thing I've been meaning to tell you is that the company is gonna stop paying for our coffee. Bernadette: No problem. When does that start? Dan: Five months ago. Bernadette: What? Dan: Yeah. Bernadette: Who's been paying for my coffee? Dan: All of us. Penny: Yeah. It comes from the swear jar we put money in when you curse. Bernadette: What else don't I know about? Penny: Uh, well, you know your private bathroom? Bernadette: Yeah? Penny: That was supposed to be for the whole floor. Bernadette: You're kidding. Dan: No, no. It's okay. It only really affected Wheelchair Kathy, and she's back in the hospital now, so it all worked out. Bernadette: I feel so bad. Penny: Well, then, maybe you shouldn't have named her Wheelchair Kathy. Bernadette: Oh, my God. I thought everybody liked me, but I'm just a monster. Dan: But a cute one, like that, uh, eyeball guy in Monsters, Inc. Bernadette: No, I'm the worst. I'm a terrible person. Dan: Come on, don't cry. It's okay. Bernadette: It's not okay. How can I even work here anymore? Penny: Because this company needs you. Dan: It's fine. We don't mind paying for the coffee. Bernadette: I can't let you do that. Dan: Maybe we could get you an espresso machine for your office. Bernadette: I guess that would be all right. Penny: See? You don't have to be mean to get what you want. Bernadette: You're right. Now where did we land on my bathroom? [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] Leonard: Hey. Sheldon: Hello. Leonard: How come you're up so late? Sheldon: I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing. Leonard: Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man's entire career, and all that's left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking. Sheldon: It's not the same thing. I don't think you know how I feel at all. Leonard: Sad? Sheldon: Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment. Leonard: Yeah. What did they say? Sheldon: Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can't take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back. Leonard: Congratulations. Sheldon: Let's celebrate. Leonard: Sheldon, that wasn't for you. Sheldon: Oh, no, I'm not going to drink it. I just wanted to hear the pop. Yeah, I knew it was coming. Still scary. [SCENE_BREAK] [ LeVar Burton's house ] Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? LeVar: Ugh. What are you doing here? Sheldon: You told me not to call, and I didn't know how else to give you the good news. Fun with Flags is back, and you can be in the next episode. LeVar: Wil Wheaton said, get a gate. I don't know why I didn't get a gate. Sheldon: You, at least listen to the premise. Since you were born in Germany, I thought we could talk about German flags. How do you feel about dressing up like a swastika?

Plan: A: Leonard; Q: Who does Sheldon uncork the champagne in front of? A: Howard; Q: Who is the third person to clean out Professor Abbot's office? A: Professor Sharpe; Q: Who reveals that the journal is just a food diary? A: just Abbot's food calorie diary; Q: What was the journal full of numbers? A: not every scientist; Q: Who can make great discoveries? A: the champagne; Q: What did Leonard, Raj, and Howard find in Professor Abbot's office? A: one; Q: How many of the men have to discover something before they can drink the champagne? A: Sheldon; Q: Who prepares his final episode of "Fun with Flags"? A: a kangaroo; Q: What animal did Amy dress up as? A: Betsy Ross; Q: Who did Sheldon dress as? A: Barry Kripke; Q: Who played "Fwag, Not a Fwag" with Sheldon? A: LeVar Burton; Q: Who is Sheldon's final guest on "Fun with Flags"? A: its revival; Q: What does Sheldon plan to do with his show? A: Roger's champagne; Q: What is the name of the champagne? A: a banquet; Q: What do Penny and Bernadette attend? A: their pharmaceutical company; Q: What company do Penny and Bernadette work for? A: Dan; Q: Who is Penny's boss? A: Bernadette's wishes; Q: What does Dan resume fulfilling? Summary: Leonard, Raj and Howard clean out deceased Professor Roger Abbot's office and find champagne to be opened after his first great scientific discovery. Abbot's coworker Professor Sharpe reveals that a journal full of numbers is just Abbot's food calorie diary: he believed he could live forever by controlling his calorie intake. The men realize not every scientist can make great discoveries, and resolve to drink the champagne in Roger's honor if one of them ever discovers something. Sheldon prepares his final episode of "Fun with Flags" and reviews highlights of the series including Amy as a kangaroo, Sheldon dressed as Betsy Ross, and playing "Fwag, Not a Fwag" with Barry Kripke. Sheldon's final guest is LeVar Burton. The first viewer to comment on the episode posts that he will miss the series, leading Sheldon to plan its revival and uncork Roger's champagne in front of Leonard. Penny and Bernadette attend a banquet for their pharmaceutical company. After Penny makes Bernadette realize she has been verbally bullying others, she apologizes to their boss Dan, who is afraid of her, and starts crying on hearing how she has offended her coworkers. Dan feels bad and resumes fulfilling Bernadette's wishes.

Opening credits JACK (voiceover) : Torchwood. Outside the Government, beyond the police. Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race. The 21st century is when everything changes... And Torchwood is ready. INT DAY Building gone boom Flashback to last week, blue tinted. JACK : The explosive devices... OWEN : Snap ! Boom. GWEN : Jack, who's done this ? JOHN : Captain John Hart. GWEN : Jack, what does he want ? JOHN : Say hi to the family. JACK : No, it can't be. JOHN : Been a while since you've seen your brother, eh, Jack ? JACK : Gray ?! EXT DAY Outside the building Actually they went outside in the flashback, but we pick up where we left off, outside the exploded building. The team, plus Rhys, are heading for building 3 and Rhys' car. Tosh is supported by Owen. Tosh and Ianto are looking at the blue bleepy boxes of info. OWEN : b*st*rd John's taken our SUV. IANTO : Looks like He's driven it back to Torchwood. TOSH : I'm getting readings of rift activity all over the city. Major rift flares at St Helen's Hospital, the Police Headquarters and the Central IT Server Station. Phone rings. Gwen gets her mobile out and checks name before answering. GWEN : Hey, Andy ? ANDY (walking down stairs in the police station, blood on the walls behind him) : Gwen, you've gotta get here right now ! I'm serious, we need you. GWEN : Ok, I'm on my way, all right ? This is him, isn't it ? This Captain John, or whatever he likes to call himself. JACK : Rhys, drop Owen at the hospital. Tosh, Ianto cover the central server building. Gwen, the police station. Then take me to Torchwood. RHYS : You think we're all gonna fit in here ? JACK : Yeah, we're gonna have to. TOSH : Jack, These are traps. JACK : So be careful. You know what he's capable of. GWEN : What about you ? JACK : I'm gonna go reason with him ! OWEN : He just tried to kill us. JACK : I was the only one who could ever control him. That's why the Time Agency partnered us. RHYS : Did you just say Time Agency ? Don't tell me that's based in Cardiff too ?! Jack does a sort of eyeroll shrug, and everyone climbs in the car. Rhys is driving. Apparently the Law of Owner Drives overrules the thing where some of the others might have extra training to go real fast. Or, possibly they're tooling around at those speeds with no training. They drive off and we get some voiceover. OWEN : Why's he doing this Jack ? What does he want ? JACK : That's what I'm going to go ask. EXT DAY Cardiff bay from above New angles I think, lovely view of the fountain and some twirly zoom down, then cut to INT HUB, main area Well, starts outside the cog door. Jack walks into shot, takes a deep breath, waits as the door rolls open. Clattering and banging. MUSIC : "I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper", by Sarah Brightman. JOHN (is standing on the upper level waving a scarf above his head, grinning manically) : Come on ! Sing along ! It's our song ! JACK (the look on his face is priceless and entire sentences on it's own) : We don't have a song. And if we did have a song, it wouldn't be this song. JOHN (scarf droop, pouty face) : You're no fun ! Raises his hand and flips open his wrist band. We get our first glimpse of the ring he's wearing. Bleeps, and the music stops. JACK : Thank you. JOHN : I've been here quite a while, what kept you ? Starts down the spiral stairs. JACK : We all survived. You know, if you're gonna set an explosion, you need to be more efficient. JOHN : Oh, them, they were just prototypes, had to test out a theory. How are they all, the little team ? JACK : What do you want ? JOHN : I want you to know that I love you. JACK : Funny way of showing it. JOHN : No, seriously. You have to understand. (Turns away, face in close up). I really do love you. (Swings around, machine guns in each hand, and shoots the hell out of Jack. Jack falls, off the walkway, into the wet. John walks over to look down at him). Because this... is gonna get nasty. Opening credits EXT DAY Cardiff from above Cardiff City Police HQ. 5.27pm. INT DAY Police station Police coming down the stairs, a corpse on the steps, blood everywhere. Two more in the hall. SOCO examining them, taking photos. GWEN : Andy ! ANDY : They just appeared out of nowhere, across the whole building. They weren't human, least not like any human I've ever seen. The whole station's in shock. Four most senior officers, murdered. Everyone's running round like headless chickens. Woah, woah, woah. Rhys, what you doing here ? This is a crime scene, and a confidential crime scene at that. If it gets out what happened here, there'll be a citywide panic. GWEN : Rhys isn't gonna go blabbing. RHYS : I'm keeping more secrets than you'd ever believe. ANDY : Like what ? RHYS : Like a Time Agency. Based in Cardiff ! GWEN : Oh, it's not based in Cardiff. ANDY : Brilliant secret. I ask, you tell, well done. INT DAY Police cells Gwen looks through a peephole. Inside, Weevils growl and snarl. There's many in the one cell, bouncing off the walls. One snarls right in Gwen's face. RHYS : Bloody hell. What are they ? GWEN : Weevils, they live in the sewers. RHYS : Tell me you're joking. GWEN : Don't mind if I subdue them, do you ? Pulls a canister of Weevil spray. ANDY : Be my guest. GWEN (pulls the top off, tosses it through the hatch like a gas grenade. It hisses and spews smoke). Okay. (Checks peephole again). They killed the four most senior officers. ANDY : Almost like it was targeted. EXT DAY Cardiff from above, stadium and big building with a round thing on top Team on comms. GWEN : Tosh, report where you are. TOSH : Just entering the Central Server. No sign of rift activity yet. Central Server Building. 5.36pm. INT Central Server Building Stacks of computers and normal office lighting, but only Tosh and Ianto wandering around. TOSH : This building houses servers for the military, police, NHS, even looks after the server systems for the nuclear station at Turnmill. IANTO : What problem did they report ? TOSH : Ghosts in these server stacks. IANTO : How's the arm ? TOSH : Owen gave me industrial strength painkillers, seems to be doing the trick. Ghostly howl. TOSH : Ianto. IANTO (turns to look. There's three dudes in monks robes carrying scythes) : Huh. SPOOKY VOICE : Devils ! Blasphemers ! Pray to your heathen God. While in the Lord's name, we cast you out ! Tosh and Ianto look at each other, look at advancing reapers, pull guns, fire guns, watch the bad guys fall down dead. IANTO : There we are then. TOSH : Sorted. EXT DAY Cardiff from above, the Hospital Team on comms. GWEN : Owen, do you have anything to report ? OWEN : We've got some activity in the basement. St Helen's Hospital. 5.39pm. INT Hospital Basement Owen and doctorAngela Connolly. CONOLLY : Coming back from a fag break, saw the door open and there it is ! Chewing through the cables. So I locked it in. Someone taps fingers on the door. From inside there's metallic rattling. Then scary teethy thing. CONOLLY : What the hell is it ? OWEN : Short answer ? It's an alien. CONOLLY : Alien ?! OWEN : Yeah. It's called a Hoix. The only profile we have is that it lives to eat, doesn't matter what. Caught one in Barry last year in a kebab shop, it went through seven doner sticks in 20 minutes. Now, have you got the keys ? CONOLLY : What's that ? OWEN : All species sedative. Now, food. You got anything it can eat ? CONOLLY : Only these. Holds up cigarettes. OWEN (takes them) : Right, perfect ! Wish me luck. Through the door, into a dark room. OWEN : Hoixie, where are you ? Come on, porkie. Come out, come out, wherever you are. Creature snarls, visible in the far distance, it comes closer as Owen tosses it cigarettes. OWEN : There you are. Look what I've got. They're actually very tasty. Get a load of one of these. That's it, good boy, come to me. Come on, that's it, try one of these. (Stabs it in the back of the neck with the sedative). You really are quite stupid, aren't you ? EXT DAY Cardiff from above, the fountain Torchwood Hub. 6.03pm. INT HUB, main area Jack is chained up by his wrists, hanging on a wall in the Hub. John's been redecorating then. Metal shackles, chains, feet hanging loose, arms stretched in a Y above his head. Jack wakes with the usual gasp but panics more. There's screaming and thrashing around a bit and pulling on chains. John looks on with mild interest. Jack looks way upset. And also wet. John comes down the stairs from the desk area. JOHN : Comms and weapons have been removed, in case you're wondering, so no chance of rescue. JACK : This is a little extreme, don't you think ? JOHN : Oh, what, suddenly you're anti bondage ? John grabs him somewhere personal. Jack growls, not amused. JACK : Why are you here ? JOHN : Well, see... Now you're interested in me. It's always the same, nobody cares until you tie them up. Number of reasons, actually. First of all, you were very rude to me. Goes back to working on computers. JACK : What ?! JOHN : Very rude indeed. In front of people who barely knew me. You belittled me. Can't let that go. JACK : You're serious ? JOHN : Second : you have all of time. Eternity, essentially. And you still refused to spend time with me. After all we've been through together, after all I've done for you. JACK : Where's Gray ? What've you done with my brother ? Pause of significant staring. JOHN : You don't realise. Actions, ramifications, ripples in the pond. It's beyond my control. JACK : Beyond your control ? Please ! JOHN : It is. You need to understand that. So, localise the rift storms, a few short sharp shocks... JACK : Don't touch those controls ! JOHN : Oi, I'm working here ! Taps control on his wrist. Jack cries out as buzzy noises and little lights indicate his wrist band has been turned into a torture device. JOHN : If you don't want that again, keep quiet. JACK : No. JOHN: So, I think we're ready to find a vantage point. Bit more power. Plugs a cable into a different hole on the rift manipulator, and the column starts moving. JACK : Hey ! JOHN : And we're all set. JACK : Whatever you're planning, we're gonna stop you. JOHN : Oh. Ok. (Comes around to stand in front of the computers). Go on, then. Stop me. I hope you can, really. (Jack struggles, helpless). No ? All right, let's go get ourselves a good view. EXT NIGHT Cardiff streets from above City Centre. 6.28pm. EXT NIGHT Castle John drags Jack up behind a wall. JACK : What the hell are we doing here ? JOHN : This is a good view. JACK (tries to go for him, then cries out again, zapped again. JOHN : I told you, no struggling. JACK : I can make things right with you. JOHN : You don't understand. You can't ever make this right. (Bleeps his wristband). Attention... Torchwood employees ! (Shots of each of them in their separate locations). Evening all ! Now, stop what you're doing. GWEN : Jack, what's going on, are you OK ? JOHN : Jack can't come to the comms right now. But if you leave a message, I'll be sure and pass it along. GWEN : What've you done to him ? JOHN : No, no, wrong question. You should be asking, what am I about to do to you ? Shots of each of them thinking about it... except Owen's on the roof already, which is a blink and you'll miss it continuity error. IANTO : Put Jack on right now ! JOHN : Eye Candy ! That was so masterful, so bossy, so basically powerless. (Ianto eyeroll). Get up to the roofs of your buildings. Quickly now, spit spot. Ianto goes. OWEN : Why ? Runs out the basement door, into corridor, past doctor. CONOLLY : Owen ! JOHN : 'Cos if you don't, you'll miss all the fun. Hold on a minute, do I mean fun or do I mean carnage ? I get them confused. Are you running yet ? No dawdling now ! In the police station Gwen legs it. RHYS : Gwen ! ANDY : Where's she going ?! Back on the roof John gets a blinky box out. JACK : What're you doing ? JOHN : I'm sorry. John talks over shots of everyone getting up to their separate roofs to look over the darkened city. Rhys and Andy follow Gwen, Owen is on the roof, Ianto and Tosh too. Jack gets up to look. JOHN : Now...Cardiff ! Isn't it pretty ? Doesn't it twinkle so ? Take a good look. Remember this... because it all goes so quick. Somewhere between 9 and 12 explosions, some close together, some moments apart. Huge great kabooms. All over Cardiff, distant fires and explosions, some of them close enough to rock Team Torchwood. Ianto falls. GWEN : Oh, my God... ANDY : Gwen ? GWEN : Oh, God... Sirens wail, alarms sound, and the team looks out over the burning wreckage, all back on their feet but looking shell shocked. JACK : You've destroyed the city. JOHN : Jack, hold me. Goes up to Jack and hugs him, which Jack pretty much ignores. On her roof Gwen and Andy survey the damage. GWEN (whispering, stuck on repeat) : Oh, my God, my God. ANDY : Oh sh1t. Oh my God. What do we do, what do we do ? GWEN : OK, keep everyone calm, tell them to get every officer in. Run ! Back at the castle. JACK : What've you done ? JOHN : It's OK. It's all gonna be OK. Gold glow grows behind them, riftglow. Jack starts to struggle. JACK : Stop ! Get off me ! And then they disappear. A flash of gold light, a long shot of the castle, and nothing. Meanwhile on Gwen's roof, we get use of jumpcuts to convey disorientation. GWEN : Jack ? Jack ? Jack, can you hear me ? Are you there ? Jack ! TOSH : I'm tracking a huge rift flare over at the castle. It's been generated by the rift manipulator at Torchwood. GWEN : Tosh, Ianto, Owen...are you, er, are you OK ? TOSH : Yeah, we're fine. IANTO : Still here. OWEN : Me too. GWEN : Good, OK, good. Tosh, do we have the scale of the damage on the city ? INT Server room, now redlit TOSH : Fifteen major explosions, at strategic points across the city. There's currently a surge in traffic trying to leave the city but the explosions have cut off all major routes in and out. Landlines, mobile phones and IT networks all down, TV and radio off air. He's completely crippled us Gwen. GWEN (still on her roof, whispers) : sh1t. IANTO : Not wanting to be the harbinger of doom but the systems which serve the Turnmill nuclear plant have all gone off-line. GWEN : Right, Tosh, Ianto, you have to stabilise the nuclear power station, make that a priority. Owen, what's it like at the hospital ? INT NIGHT Hospital OWEN : Lost all power. The backup generators gave out in the blast. Every single machine in this hospital is down. It's a disaster. GWEN (still on her roof) : OK, all of you, listen to me. We're gonna fix this, We're gonna put this city back together, we're gonna find Jack and we're gonna punish John. Now, I need you to be careful. OK ? (Reaction shots). Where are you, Jack ? Where are you ? EXT DAY Close up on Jack's face. Pull back to crane shot, watch him getting up, shield his face from sunlight, look around. Big grassy field, some trees, very middle of nowhere. Cardiff. 27AD. JOHN (walks out from trees) : We're safe. Now, before you do anything rash, you have to hear... JACK (punch in the face interruption) : Take us back now ! JOHN : No way. We have to be this far to escape the trigger signal ! JACK : What ? JOHN : Look at it ! Go on. It's bonded to my skin. I can't get it off. Open it. JACK : Whoa. JOHN : Ninth generation detonator. JACK (lets go, backs off, points with both hands) : You're a walking bomb ! JOHN : Add to that a surveillance circuit, to monitor my every word and action, and he has me doing anything I'm told. Cos if I don't... boom ! I'm not my own man. I thought you'd see that. But oh, no, you're so self-obsessed you thought I'd want to blow up your stupid city ! When I could be experiencing 17 simultaneous pleasures in the Lotus Nebula ! (Peers behind Jack). Uh-oh... just run. JACK : Oh, please, that is the oldest trick in the book. GRAY : Jack ? The man from last week's hologram walks towards them across the field. We get Gray's theme on the music and lots of little flashback images from 1-05 that are going to be a pain to write out clearly. JACK : Gray ?! GRAY : I never stopped believing. I always knew we'd find each other again. Big hug. JACK : I'm sorry. GRAY : Sorry's not good enough. (Big stabbing. Jack falls, still reaching for Gray, who just stabbed him. Lies twitching with sword in chest. Dies, while John and Gray watch. Gray tells John,) Get a shovel. INT NIGHT Police HQ entrance hall Cardiff Police HQ. 7:39pm. GWEN : This was a targeted attack, designed to cause maximum panic. Usual emergency procedures won't cover what's happened here. This is where we find out how good we really are. Cover the whole city, knock on doors, check on people, tell people that they are safe and that it is being dealt with. Get out there and do your jobs. RHYS : Bloody impressive, man. ANDY : She is that, yeah. Lucky sod. Rhys has the grin of one who knows that. Gwen is busy telling police what to do. INT Server place, red lit still Central Server Building. 8:01pm. IANTO (torch held in mouth, fiddling with wires) : Go ! TOSH : It won't work ! IANTO : Nothing, sorry. TOSH : We need to re-start the Turnmill servers. IANTO : What if you can't ? TOSH : Then the reactor goes into meltdown. IANTO : Then I'm going up there. TOSH : What ? Ianto ! IANTO : Look, if we can't fix the remote servers, there must be something I can do on-site to prevent nuclear meltdown. TOSH : That could be suicide. IANTO : Are we gonna discuss it, or are we gonna do it ? TOSH : Ok, but we both go. EXT DAY A field Shackles close around Jack's ankles with a bleep. We see he's standing next to a freshly dug grave. Gray walks off, John fixes the handcuffs on. Jack pretty much ignores him, talking to Gray's back. JACK : I looked for you. I searched for you for years. You were my first thought, every day. GRAY : What are you expecting, mm ? A loving reunion ? Absolution ? Me to say, "It's OK, brother, I forgive you". FLASHBACK VOICE : Take Gray and keep him safe. (To flashback from 2-05). I got to go get your mother. Run ! Young Jack and baby Gray run away. GRAY : Those creatures, (flashback) they lived to torture. They kept us just on the verge of life. I'd lie there, hemmed in by corpses, praying to become one. Because you... let go... of my hand, remember ? JACK : If I could swap with you, I would. FLASHBACK VOICE : Gray. (assorted FB images of different people calling). Gray ! Where's Gray ? Where is he, son ? Where is he ? Gray ! GRAY : Remember it again. FLASHBACK VOICE : Gray, where are you ? GRAY : I believed you'd come, but you never did. How long before you gave up, hm ? Months ? Years ? Decades ? JACK : What do you want from me ? GRAY : I want you to suffer. I want your life. This is Cardiff. 27AD. The city will be built here, over the next 2,000 years. Your grave will be the city's foundations. Your blessing of life becomes a curse. (Reaction from John, looking considerable upset). Each time you revive, with a throatful of earth, each time it chokes you afresh, and you thrash on the edge of death, you think of me. JOHN : All right, calling a halt now I can't let you do this. Walks towards Gray, but Gray shoves Jack back and he falls. POV shot up from the hole. GRAY : Fill the grave. JOHN : No way. GRAY : Then the detonator on your arm gets activated. Conversation in eye contact happens. John, unhappy, looks down at Jack. Jack is zen. John is puzzled. Jack nods. John twitches half a smile. Then John takes his ring off, kisses it. Jack lets out a breath and relaxes some. John tosses it down onto Jack's chest. GRAY : What's that ? JOHN : It's, er, sentimental value. John goes to work with the shovel. Jack closes his eyes and gets dirt thrown on him. Gray stares down at them. Fade to black. Buried. Fade in again. [SCENE_BREAK] INT HUB The cells Torchwood Vaults. 9:07pm. Rift flare, gold, and Gray steps out. He turns and looks in a cell. Inside are three Weevils together. INT NIGHT Police station Rhys walks in. Gwen is on the floor, sitting scrunched up behind the desk. RHYS : Skulking, is it ? GWEN : Still no word from Jack. RHYS : Hey, it's gonna be fine. GWEN : What if it's not ? What if this is how it all ends ? I can't do this, Rhys. I'm not up to it. RHYS : Rubbish. Those coppers are out there now, because of you. Even if you don't believe in yourself, they did. And I do. You're a bloody hero, Gwen. So you keep going, cos we need you. GWEN : Will you marry me again ? TOSH : Gwen... Cut to EXT NIGHT in the middle of a sentence, Tosh with Ianto in an alley somewhere. TOSH : ...I've got a rift alert from inside the Hub, mirroring the pattern from earlier when Jack disappeared. GWEN : D'you think it could be him ? TOSH : I can't check it out, I've got to get the Turnmill servers back online. GWEN : Tosh, I can't leave the police station. RHYS : Yes, you can. If they need you. We'll be fine. GWEN : Are you sure ? RHYS : I'll see you when it's all over. (She twitches a smile at him. He nods to the door). Go ! INT HUB Door Cog rolls back to reveal Gwen with her gun out and down. She raises it and heads in, looking very competent and focused. Checks out different angles, searches room visually. Steps out slowly along the walkway. John steps out behind her somehow. JOHN : You took your time. GWEN (spins, aims) : On your knees ! JOHN: Honestly, it's just s*x, s*x, s*x with you people ! GWEN (pumps the gun) : Now ! (John raises an eyebrow and complies, casual and slow). Hands behind your head ! I'm gonna need a really good reason not to shoot you within the next 20 seconds. JOHN : I know where Jack is. GWEN : You're lying. JOHN : He's buried alive, somewhere beneath this city. I came back to help you. GWEN : You bombed this city ! JOHN : Listen to me ! You have to believe me. It's Gray, Jack's brother, that's been doing all this. GWEN : Don't talk rubbish. JOHN : He placed a bomb on me, molecularly bonded the detonator to my skin, I had to do what he wanted. (Gets up and walks towards Gwen, who lets him). Look ! He forced me to bury Jack and then he freed me, he told me I could go anywhere I wanted. I could've run, but I chose to come back here. GWEN : Why should I trust you ? JOHN (pause where he looks down and takes two starting-breaths before he can actually start). They were separated as children. Gray was abducted. When I found him he was chained to the ruins of a city on the Bedlam Outlands... surrounded by corpses. He was the only one left. The creatures had long since gone. Dunno how long he'd been there. He thought I was the rescuing hero. (Beat). So, it took me too long to realise he'd learned terrible things watching those creatures. He let me trust him... Argh ! The molecules are unbonding. Just like he promised. (Sticky squishy noises and John starts undoing his wrist strap. It comes off, sort of. So does quite a lot of skin, by the sticky stretchy look. John laughs and scream). Aargh ! Oh, God. (Pulls it free with such force his arms spread wide). See ? Free man. Apparently. (Pause of deep breaths). I didn't have to come back here. I could've run. GWEN : You find Jack, I'll let you live. But you'd better be quick. JOHN : Fine. Toshiko. I need you to run a trace for an etheric particle signal NME transmitting at 200 betacycles. TOSH : Gwen, where are you ? What's he doing ? Where's Jack ? JOHN : Trace that signal, we'll find him. GWEN : It's OK, Tosh. I've got him covered. Just do as he says. TOSH : No signals even vaguely resembling that. JOHN : Uh, no, There must be. That transmitter was guaranteed for five millennia through three ecological permalayers, it has to still be transmitting. If not, we'll never find him. He'll be buried... forever. Piercing tone sounds, and sounds very much like a fire or smoke alarm, so making me jump a lot. Gwen and John flinch, scream, and cover their ears. Big loudness of noise. And not just in the Hub, Ianto and Tosh react too. GWEN : What the hell is that ? Out in the city, Weevils emerge from the sewers. Many weevils. And in the church from 2-08 too. Many, many. They're out in residential streets. Screaming and snarls and they attack civilians. In the Hub cells too, they wake up, get up, and snarl. CLOSE UP on a time agent wrist strap, Gray's. His finger on the button, he watches the doors open and weevils escape. They don't attack him, run past. Up in the main Hub we see the computer monitors, with internal security cams showing. GWEN : Oh, there's weevils loose in the lower corridors. (Gwen must know this psychically, cause she hasn't got to the screens yet. Says to John, moving around him). Stay there, stay there. (Sees more and more weevils). Oh, my God, what's going on, how did they get out ? JOHN : It's Gray. He must be here in the city, he said he was gonna take Jack's life, destroy it from the inside out. A weevil wake-up call could be just the beginning. EXT NIGHT, alley behind Jubilee Pizza. You can tell cause there's signs up. Tosh and Ianto flatten themselves against a door, look worried. IANTO (whispers) : Stay there. POV shot of the street, lots and lots and lots of weevils. Some come towards them... run past. Ianto taps his comm. IANTO : Owen, Gwen, can you hear me ? The streets are flooded with weevils, they came out of nowhere. There's no chance we'll get to the nuclear power station in time. INT NIGHT Hospital, dark Nurses with torches are dealing with patients while Owen runs around handing stuff out. OWEN : Manual life support, get them round the hospital. Ianto, leave it to me. I can get there. IANTO : How ? OWEN : King of the Weevils, remember ? EXT NIGHT Street full of Weevils Weevils growl, Owen runs out... they back down and kneel just like before. Owen runs through and past. INT NIGHT Police station Weevils at the door on one side, humans on the other. Rhys closest and lowest, trying to get it closed. RHYS : Push, will you ! Have none of you ever been in a scrum ! They all push together, get it closed enough, push the bolt home. RHYS : Bloody hell, how many were there ? It's like Fort Apache the Bronx in here. ANDY : Apart from the fact that the surrounding forces are savage aliens and we could all die, it's almost exactly the same, yeah. Thanks for that. Weevil growls. Andy looks O.O at door and takes hand off quickly. Leaves. INT HUB, Computers GWEN : I am telling you I have run every scan possible, there is no signal traceable. JOHN : Then try it again, it's got to be there. Oi, I'm talking to you. (Gwen and John back up, backs together. Guns are now the other side of Weevils). You know you've got a real pest problem around here. Bang and more bang ! Tosh and Ianto appear from around the fountain, presumably via invisible lift or the door in the armoury that leads to the SUV park. Good timing either way. They shoot, Weevils go down. GWEN : Oh, God, I'm so pleased to see you ! Ianto strides forwards, focused but not on her, raises gun, aims at John, Gwen grabs and pushes arm up. JOHN : Don't start, I'll make things right, Eye Candy. TOSH : Then start by getting those Weevils down the vaults before they recover. It takes more than a bullet to stop them. Tosh starts tapping computers one handed, the other three comply. INT HUB Cells The three drag three Weevils in through three separate solid cell doors. IANTO : You did what ?! GWEN : Ianto ! JOHN : I didn't have a choice! IANTO : There's always a choice. GWEN : Okay can we just get these Weevils into the cells please ! IANTO : If we don't find him, I'll kill you. (Gets weevil settled, presses against glass looking out). Very slowly. Doors slam behind them. GWEN : Whoa ! What's happening ? Tosh ? Tosh ! Ianto, my comms are dead. JOHN : Gwen ? GRAY (outside John's cell) : I let you go. I gave you one trip, you could have gone anywhere. JOHN : Question of honour. GWEN : Gray ? You're Gray, right ? There's no need for this, we can help you. Just tell us where Jack is. GRAY : His life's mine now. Walks past Ianto's cell and away. IANTO : Where's Jack ? What've you done with him ? What've you done with him ?! EXT NIGHT, square well lit building with a chimney Turnmill Nuclear Power Station. 9:42pm. INT Control Room Red light of doom and frantic beeping of alarms. Owen runs in and finds someone working. NIRA : What are you doing ? Get the hell out of here ! OWEN : What the hell are you doing here, more like ! The systems going into meltdown. NIRA : A soldier never leaves her post. OWEN : OK, Well you can now, OK ? I'm with Torchwood and we're dealing with this. NIRA : Yeah ? What d'you know about nuclear containment structure ? OWEN : Well, you know, I'm only a layman, but I'm presuming if you've run out of power, then the containment structure's over pressurised. The containment spray and cooling systems aren't working so the fuel probably can't be cooled down, it's overheating. So sooner rather than later there'll be a meltdown and radioactive material will be released into the atmosphere. Yeah ? Roughly ? NIRA : Roughly. OWEN : Right, you need to go. Be careful, there are creatures out there on the loose. Take this, it's a kind of mace. NIRA : It sounds more dangerous out there than in here. OWEN : Yeah, I'd say it's pretty much even. Go. NIRA: Thank you. She leaves. Owen taps his comm and goes to look at screens. OWEN : Tosh, you're going to have to help me out here, I haven't got a bloody clue what I'm doing. TOSH : OK, I don't want you to panic, but the reactor's already hit the critical point. OWEN : You're telling me it's going into meltdown, aren't you ? And I'm at the eye of the storm. TOSH : Yes. Sorry. OWEN : Right, can you fix it ? TOSH : Of course I can, I'm brilliant ! OWEN : Yeah. TOSH : I'm gonna try and divert power from the auxiliary source back to Turnmill. If that works, I can talk you through restoring the coolant system. (Picks up glowy blue box of knowings). Right. Now... Muffled bang. Tosh pain face and gasp. OWEN : Tosh ! Gray lowers his gun. Owen taps his comm twice. In the Hub, Tosh looks down. Hand pressed to stomach wound, bleeding. She falls. TOSH : Help me... Please. OWEN : Tosh ! Can you hear me, are you there ? GRAY (pulls wires out of all sorts of things on the way past. Computers go dark) : I've heard people say death is such a waste. I imagine it more as a relief. OWEN : Tosh ! Can you hear me ? Tosh ! GRAY : What's it like ? How does it feel ? (Throws box away into autopsy area). Are you afraid ? Are you sad ? (Touches her face). You can tell me. The battle's done. Thudding noise fills the Hub. GRAY : What's that ? The noise continues. He looks around and then leaves. Tosh looks at her stomach wound, keeps her hand pressed on it, turns over. OWEN : Tosh, talk to me. I need your help here, babe. She starts to crawl after the box. INT HUB Cells We see Gwen and John and Ianto react as the noise continue. IANTO : What's that banging ? GWEN : Something's wrong. JOHN : Never mind that, I've got an idea. He fiddles with some gadget box he happened to have on him. INT HUB Main area There's a blood trail from where Tosh was lying, a thick one. Tosh rolls down the steps, grunting in pain. The scanner box is half a dozen steps below. Seems a long way. The thudding continues. INT HUB Morgue Thuds louder and more persistent. Gray walks through corridors and into the morgue. Drawer 003 is glowing gold. Gray opens it, pulls the cryo tank out. It slides open and... JACK : I forgive you. GRAY : How did you survive ? Jack sits up, laughing. Screenwipe to INT HUB Old office Torchwood Hub 1901. The woman from 2-12 and a new to us black man are bending over something on a desk. Alice Guppy and Charles Gaskell, says the end credits. CHARLES : How long since you first discovered it ? ALICE: Three days now. Just one signal, regular as clockwork. But I haven't told you the best bit, I can track it to a physical location. CHARLES : Where ? EXT DAY Grass beside buildings She leads him to a particular patch. ALICE : It's here. 20 feet down, but it's definitely here, start digging ! INT HUB Office again Still in the past. Jack looks all dirty. And is wearing the stuff he got buried in. 1900 years later. Neat trick. JACK : Please, can we just stop with the questions ? ALICE : We found you in a 20-foot grave ! Do you want us to just accept that ? JACK : Yes, I do. CHARLES : You're supposed to be out there working for us ! Who gave you this ring. JACK : I've crossed my own timeline. I can't be allowed to meet myself, a lot of lives depend on this. You'll be protecting the future. That's what you're here for, isn't it ? And now I need you to put me in the morgue. Freeze me, set the alarm to defrost in 107 years time. INT HUB Morgue Jack, now standing, faces Gray. JACK : I forgive you, Gray. GRAY : Don't you walk away from me. Don't you walk away from me ! INT HUB Tunnels GRAY : Stop ! Stop ! JACK : I've forgiven you, I gave you absolution, now do the same for me ! GRAY : I prayed for death. Those creatures, the things they did to us, because of you, the favourite son, the one who lived, who'll always live. The only strength I have is my hatred for you. JACK (goes to hold Gray, but he pulls away and shrugs him off) : I didn't know. I didn't realise until it was too late. GRAY : I begrudge you everything. I want to rip it all from you, to leave you screaming in the dark. I will never absolve you. All of it, it's your fault. JACK (reaches out tentatively, and this time is allowed. Pulls him close. Big hug. Whispers to him, probably "sorry". And... cloth over mouth, knocks Gray out). I know. I know, Gray. Holds him and rocks. INT HUB Cells Close up of John's tech toy, him fiddling with it. JOHN : Got it ! Loud noise like the weevil signal. JOHN : Sorry ! GWEN : (?) JOHN : Recall signal. Time for all the pets to return home. Which worryingly involves twitchy cellmates... but then weevils in the street climb down the sewers again. EXT NIGHT Police station roof Rhys and Andy look down. RHYS : What happened ? Where have they all gone ? ANDY : Abergavenney ? INT Red nuclear power place and INT Autopsy room Owen in the red light waiting for Tosh. Stairs in the Autopsy bay covered in blood, big pools of it. Tosh on the floor with the scanner box... and a big pond of her own blood. She's fiddling with the scanner. OWEN : Tosh, come on girl. (Lights come up, normal white). Here we go. Right, you've done it Tosh, you've got power ! Are you OK ? TOSH : Yeah, I'm fine. Now she reaches for medical stuff, pulls a tray of syringes down. OWEN : Right, what's going on there ? TOSH : Just a... machine malfunction. OWEN : Are you hurt ? TOSH : Who, me ? No ! I'm fine, it's just my arm. OWEN : OK. TOSH : I'm sorting out another painkiller. OWEN : Good. TOSH (stabs painkiller into her thigh with a gasp, then throws the empty aside) : OK. OWEN : Come on, let's do this together. TOSH : Right... okay... (Bleeping, and she looks up at the screen). Oh god. Owen... OWEN : What's the matter ? TOSH : There's no way to stop the meltdown. It's too far gone. OWEN : OK, OK, that is not good, is it ? But come on, Tosh, there's got to be something, there's always something. Come on. TOSH : The only option is to vent the flow channels internally. OWEN : Vent them where ? TOSH : The area you're in is the containment building. OWEN : Yeah ? TOSH : You need to set up a time-delay programme, channel the fuel into that bunker and instigate permanent lockdown. Seal the building and the meltdown will be contained within. And, obviously, remember to get out. OWEN : Yeah, I think I can remember that bit. TOSH : I'll open the system protocol, you just need to enter the timeframe and authorise, OK ? OWEN : OK, Tosh. Let's do this thing. And, Tosh, thank you. TOSH : That's what I'm here for. She looks down at her stomach wound and then up again. Face of oh no. Bites lip. INT HUB Cells Jack strides in, on his way through... no, looking, he looks in the little cell window. GWEN : Jack ! Handy wrist strap of opening gets it done. GWEN : Oh God. (pouncehugs Jack). Oh, thank God ! IANTO (walks up more wearily) : I thought we'd lost you. JACK : Never. (Grabs Ianto and hugs him in to the side Gwen isn't covering. Ianto turns his face in to Jack's shoulder. Snuggle time). Never. JOHN : Quite a queue for the hugs. Ianto un-hugs, turns and gets behind Jack's shoulder, keeps his eyes on John. JACK : Always has been, always will be. Nice use of the ring. JOHN : Thank you. Least I could do. Listen, Gray's in the Hub. JACK : I know. It's done. INT Nuclear power place, all lit up and working Screens say something about flow channels diverted, as per plan. OWEN : Yes ! Rock and roll ! Tosh smiles... then computers start beeping. TOSH : Oh no... Owen, get out of there ! (He looks up and looks at dials for about the next ten seconds). There's a power surge in the system ! When that hits, it'll trigger an emergency lockdown ! Red lights flash, alarms happen, the door starts to close, and Owen starts running. Too late. OWEN : No ! No ! Tosh ! Toshiko ! I can't get out ! Not like this. Not like this ! I'm not going yet. Get me out of here, Tosh ! Get me out of here ! I've died once, I'm not doing it again ! Where's Jack ? Where's Gwen, Ianto, John ? You want to watch the dead man die again ? TOSH : Owen, just stay calm. OWEN : Oh, why should I do that ? Where's the fun in that ? I'm gonna rage my way to oblivion. Starts screaming. TOSH : Please stop. OWEN : Why ? Give me one good bloody reason why, one good reason why I shouldn't keep screaming. TOSH : Because you're breaking my heart. Pause of panting and sliding down cabinets. OWEN : I'm sorry. TOSH : It's my fault. OWEN : No, no, no, it isn't. No, it isn't. Don't you dare go there, Tosh. I'm really sorry. Pause of Tosh panting now. OWEN : What's gonna happen to me, Tosh ? TOSH : I can't. OWEN : Please. OK, I need to know. TOSH (long pause) : The containment chamber will be flooded with the irradiated coolant. OWEN : Ah. My body will slowly decompose, as I watch. TOSH : I should've been able to stop it. OWEN : Oh, come on, Tosh. There's no way you could've anticipated that power spike, come on. Besides, you've saved... my back so many times in the past. Right from the moment I joined. TOSH : Your second week I had to cover for you, pretend I was a medic, cos you were hung over and unreachable. OWEN : What was it, Space Pig ? TOSH : Space Pig. OWEN : Yeah. Pause of smiling. OWEN : We never did get that date, did we, you and me ? We sort of, er, missed each other. It was my fault. I didn't... didn't notice until it was too late. I'm sorry. TOSH : Me too. At the power station Coolant Venting comes up on screen and machines bleep. OWEN : It's starting. TOSH : Owen... Power plant displays start to white out, radiation damaged. OWEN : It's all right. Really, Tosh. It's all right. FADE TO WHITE TOSH : Oh, God. Owen... Owen... The little cross on the screen representing him wiggles... and goes out. Power plant fuzzed, radiation everywhere. Tosh turns away. Jack comes in to the main computer area... and sees the blood. There's only one of his unaccounted for that can bleed. He runs along the trail. JACK : Toshiko ? Toshiko ?! Gwen, I need help down here ! (He runs down to her, not down the blood smeared steps, the other ones. He reaches for her. Very softly says). Okay ? Gwen runs in, grabs a syringe and starts trying to help. John is looking down from the walkway, looking like this matters for once. Ianto comes down and looks at the screen. He sounds real upset. IANTO : The nuclear plant at Turnmill. Owen's there. TOSH : Sealed in. Re-routed the blast. (Looks to Jack). I couldn't save him. Jack looks up at the screen, or possibly at Ianto, can't figure the eyelines. Gwen looks to Jack. He looks back at Tosh. Gwen injects her with something.) JACK : Tosh ? GWEN : There you go, darling. Talk to me now, come on. Hey ! Tosh ! Tosh only looks to Jack. He holds her, smiles. She smiles. And then... face goes slack. She isn't in there any more. Jack breaks down crying. Gwen sobs. Gather round in misery. Ianto leans heavily on a cart to one side. EXT DAY Cardiff, fountain from above INT DAY Gwen's flat Rhys holds Gwen, snuggled up on the sofa. ON TV : And Cardiff city centre is today recovering from a series of devastating explosions. City leaders say it's too early to account for the full scale of the damage that also saw sightings of vicious animals on the streets of the city. Gwen face of misery. INT HUB Autopsy bay John goes down the steps. Jack is bent over a cryo chamber, with Gray in it. He's fussing, touching, nothing technical, personal. JACK : My whole life I was looking for him. Now I have to lose him all over again. JOHN : You cryo-freeze him and then what ? Wake him up in a 100 years and he's miraculously better? Cos that's not gonna happen. Maybe killing him would be the release he needs. JACK : There has been enough death. JOHN : You didn't struggle... when I buried you. Like...you were allowing it. JACK : It was my penance. JOHN (steps closer. Speaks more softly) : It's not your fault. Jack looks at him. A long, long moment of eye conversation, Jack mostly saying pointed nothing. Then he looks down into the chamber again. He moves awkwardly, hesitantly, then goes to kiss his brother's forehead. He stands, hits controls on his wrist. The chamber seals. He steps back and closes the door on it. Crouches in front of the door a moment, hands still on it. Then stands abruptly, turns, puts his hands in his pockets and stares at John. JACK : Need help with those rift predictions ? JOHN : Lot of this planet I haven't seen. You like it so much, thought I might take a look. Maybe see you around. (Jack goes to walk past him, John stops him with a hand on his chest. There's an awkward shuffle, quite unlike their first meeting, as John goes for the kiss. Jack turns away and John kisses him on the cheek. It might even be what he'd intended. He steps back, and says sort of slow). I'm sorry for your losses. Then John walks away, leaving Jack alone in the autopsy room. INT HUB Computer desks Ianto is working a computer. From the angles, probably Toshiko's. He's done that before but now it's... different. He's changing personnel records. Owen's first. Jack is packing things away. He's got a steel suitcase and he's putting things in. Medical equipment, first. Ianto types on Owen's record : "Inactive - Deceased". Jack holds a folded coat to his chest in much the way we've seen him hold Owen before. He's crying, now. It's Owen's coat of many buttons. He slides it into a T marked bag. Computer screen says "Final logout procedure Dr Owen Harper Are you sure you want to continue ? Jack puts the coat in the box. Ianto clicks Yes. Jack has tears on his face now. He wipes them with his hand, sniffs, then closes the lid on Owen's things and seals the clasps. Deep sigh. Gwen is clearing Tosh's desk. Ianto is on to her personnel file, her final logout. Clicks yes. Gwen has to put Toshiko's glasses in the box, and she's crying now. On the computer a window pops up : Toshiko, wearing those glasses. She takes them off and faces the camera. TOSH (on camera) : OK. So... if you're seeing this, I guess it means, I'm... well, dead. Hope it was impressive ! Not crossing the road or an incident with a toaster. I just wanted to say... it's OK. It really is. Jack, you saved me. You showed me all the wonders of the universe and... all those possibilities. And I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Thank you. And Owen, you never knew. (All three of the others look extra sad like their insides fell again). I love you. All of you. And... I hope I did good. Gwen smiles through her tears. Computer Tosh reaches forwards and hits a key... and fades out forever. JACK : Now we carry on. GWEN : I don't think I can, not after this. JACK (hugs her) : You can. (Hugs Ianto). We all can. The end is where we start from. Camera back on crane, see the three of them standing there, together, small in the Hub. EXT DAY Cardiff Over the bay, flies away from the buildings, over the water, which fades to black.

Plan: A: his revenge; Q: What does Captain John want? A: a long overdue reunion; Q: What does Captain John send Captain Jack back in time for? Summary: Captain John returns to have his revenge. Taking Captain Jack prisoner, he sends him back in time for a long overdue reunion. Meanwhile, Cardiff is flooded with Weevils. Who is Captain John really working for?

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MT. CHARLESTON - DAY] (A stick is thrown high in the air and SKY jumps up to catch it in her mouth. She makes her way back to her owners.) Matthew: Come on, Sky! Come on Sky. Sky, come on. (MATTHEW picks up the stick that SKY drops in front of him. He throws it as far as he can. SKY runs off to get it.) Matthew: Go get it, girl! (SKY barks as she runs to get it. SKY tops and picks it up, then heads back to MATTHEW.) Matthew: Come on, Sky. Come on, girl. Bring it back. (SKY drops the stick at MATTHEW'S feet and barks. MATTHEW bends over to pat SKY on her head and pick up the stick.) Matthew: Good girl. (MATTHEW gets a good look at the stick.) Matthew: That's not sky's stick. (MATTHEW gives the stick to ROBB.) Robb: What do you got there, Sky? Come here, girl. What did you get here? Matthew: Dad, what is it? Robb: Nothing ... it's just ... uh, just an old bone probably from a dead animal or something. (ROBB looks around as SKY barks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MT. CHARLESTON - NIGHT] (By the light of the flashlight, GRISSOM looks at the bone. CATHERINE looks around the desert.) Grissom: It's a tibia ... or most of a tibia. Catherine: How long you think it's been out here? Grissom: Well, long enough for the animals to pick it clean. Catherine: And long enough for the elements to have washed away any evidence. Grissom: Evidence of what? Catherine: Well, it is a leg bone, and my guess is that it didn't walk out here by itself. Grissom: It could have been a hiker who got lost. It's interesting to me how you always expect the worst. Catherine: You see, that way, I'm never disappointed. You know, sometimes I'm nicely surprised. So, can we call it a crime scene? Grissom: Potential crime scene. Did you know that there's 206 bones in the human body? Catherine: Yes, professor, I, too, took Osteology. Grissom: Well, 205 more bones and we have a complete skeleton. If we find the rest, then we can determine whether or not it was a murder. Catherine: Well, I feel it in every one of my 206 bones that this was a murder. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (GRISSOM walks out of the break room, his team following him through the hallway to get their assignments.) Grissom: Okay, Catherine and I are on the case at Mount Charleston. Nick, we could use your help on that. Nick: Outstanding. (He hands NICK the assignment sheet.) Catherine: So we just talked with the academy. We're getting an entire class of cadets meeting us there. Warrick: All you guys got to go on is a bone? Catherine: Mm-hmm. Grissom: The tibia. Where there's one there's usually another. Catherine: So we'll do a grid search and we really could use your friend Teri Miller. (GRISSOM stops and looks at CATHERINE.) Grissom: I don't think that's necessary. Catherine: Well, why not? She's a forensic anthropologist -- specializes in bones -- and, hello ... all we've got is a bone. Grissom: I know what she specializes in. If we hit a wall, I'll call her. Catherine: Okay. (GRISSOM starts walking through the hallway again. Everyone follows him.) Grissom: Sara, Warrick -- dead body in the lucky seven motel. (He holds out the assignment sheet. NICK grabs it and hands it over to WARRICK behind him who takes it.) Sara: Is that the place with that weird pool? Catherine: Oh, yeah. (WARRICK stops in the hallway. Everyone else except SARA leaves.) Warrick: (reading) Maid found dead male body in a hotel room. Sara: Any chance it's old age? Warrick: Guy's 23. No. Sounds like a live one. (He hands the assignment sheet to SARA to look at.) Warrick: Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MT. CHARLESTON - DAY] (A line of cadets walk side by side looking for anything that may remotely look like bones. They walk and check the ground. One person raises their hand.) Catherine: Stop! (The entire cadet line stops. GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk over to check. The cadet points to the ground.) Cadet: Looks like a piece of skull bone. (GRISSOM kneels down to check it out. He picks it up, looks at it, then tastes it.) Catherine: (alarmed) What are you doing? Grissom: Bones are porous. They stick to the tongue. (He tastes it again.) This doesn't stick. (He looks up at the cadets.) It's a piece of rock. (He puts the rock down and stands up.) Catherine: I-I hope you had your Hepatitis B shot. (GRISSOM heads back to the side so they can continue searching the grounds. CATHERINE follows.) Catherine: Did you? (Dissolve to: GRISSOM and CATHERINE head toward a cadet who has her hand raised. They kneel down and find something.) Grissom: It could be a piece of wrist bone. Catherine: Well, do you want to suck it ... to be sure? Grissom: Flag man! (Dissolve to: A flag is placed in the ground.) (Dissolve to: The cadet line continues to check the ground.) (Dissolve to: CATHERINE kneels down and finds something. She raises her hand for a flag.) Catherine: Flag! (Dissolve to: A flag is placed in the ground. There are now many flags up.) (Dissolve to: GRISSOM kneels down on the ground and picks up something. He calls for a flag.) Grissom: Flag! (Dissolve to: The cadet line searches the ground.) (Dissolve to: GRISSOM finds something, blows on it and looks at it. He takes a flag and sticks it in the ground.) (Dissolve to: When they're done, there are white flags everywhere.) (Time Dissolve to: NIGHT. GRISSOM and CATHERINE stand side by side overlooking the desert they just searched. GRISSOM is looking up in the sky; CATHERINE looks out at the desert.) Catherine: So ... you thinking what I'm thinking? Grissom: How amazing the universe is. Everything made from the same carbon -- stars to trees, trucks to human bones. Catherine: Mmm ... no. I-I was thinking that we have about 100 bone fragments. We could I.D. this body before the end of the shift. Grissom: Hmm. Catherine: Stars and trucks? (He nods, then turns to look at CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE LUCKY SEVEN MOTEL - NIGHT] (SARA parks the SUV out in front of the motel. They exit the SUV and walk up the stairs in front of the large glass windows which show the swimmers in the pool.) Sara: Only in Vegas. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE LUCKY SEVEN MOTEL - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (WARRICK and SARA walk into the room that's still decorated with party decorations, balloons and streamers. The body is face-down on the bed.) Warrick: Looks like somebody had a par-tay. Sgt. O'Riley: Here's a wallet. (He hands the wallet to WARRICK who looks inside.) Sgt. O'Riley: Couple 20s inside. Warrick: "Darren Pyne." Dead at 23. (SARA looks around the bed.) Sara: Sign of struggle. I'll dust for prints. Warrick: Looks like he was whacked over the head with this lamp. Sara: Yeah. One hit or there would be blood. Warrick: Unless each hit was to a different part on his dome. Who's the room registered to? (The officer hands SARA the registration slip. She looks at it.) Sara: Well, you know, that would be Celine Dion. (She looks at the registration slip again.) Sara: But, uh, the bill was charged to the credit card of a Lynn Henry, Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Warrick: Hey, O'Riley, you think ... (He stands up and heads out.) Sgt. O'Riley: (interrupts) Find out the last place she used her credit card. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE SPHERE HOTEL - OUTSIDE ROCOCO - NIGHT] (WARRICK and SARA walk through the lobby.) (Cut to: They ask the front desk for directions.) (Cut to: They make their way out the courtyard toward a table with a group of women.) Woman: I love those shoes. WOMAN: You can wear them again. WOMAN: What about the veil? WOMAN: You've got to remember the veil. Warrick: Lynn Henry? Lynn Henry: You know my name. What's yours? Warrick: I'm Warrick Brown, and this is Sara Sidle. Sara: Hi. Warrick: We're with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Lynn Henry: Crime lab? About what? (WARRICK hands LYNN HENRY the polaroid of the body. She looks at it.) Warrick: Darren Pyne was found dead in your motel room at the Lucky Seven. Did you know him? Lynn Henry: Oh, my god. Yes, I-I do know him. Sort of. (She hands the photo back to WARRICK.) Sara: Sort of? Lynn Henry: Uh, we, we gave Meg a bachelorette party last night. Joyce Lanier: We hired a male dancer. Meg Wheeler: I didn't want my fiancé to know. Because he's staying at this hotel. Lynn Henry: So we rented a room in a sort of out-of-the-way place. Sara: So Darren was the dancer? Lynn Henry: Yeah. Uh ... he arrived around ... 10:00? (Quick flashback to: The night before. The music starts and DARREN PYNE starts dancing. The women sit around enjoying the show.) Joyce Lanier: Oh, my god! Whoo! JOYCE LANIER: If Steve could see me now. LYNN HENRY: No husbands tonight, ladies. MEG WHEELER: Or fiancés. (The ladies dance with DARREN PYNE.) (Cut to: DARREN is lying down on the sofa, LYNN HENRY is above him and starts to pour champagne in his mouth. They laugh.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Lynn Henry: We left at 3:00. He was totally fine. Meg Wheeler: He was dance out but definitely alive. Warrick: He didn't leave when you did? Lynn Henry: No. He asked if he could stay and the room was already paid for, so I didn't see a problem. Sara: Lynn, how did you get those bruises on your wrists? (LYNN looks down at her wrists and notices them for the first time.) Lynn Henry: Oh, my god! I-I don't know. I-I was totally tipsy last night. I mean, falling all over everything. Warrick: All right. We'll probably have more questions after the coroner completes his autopsy. If we need to talk to you can we reach you here? Meg Wheeler: Yes. My wedding is tomorrow. Whatever we can do to help. Sara: Thanks. Our card. (SARA gives their business card to MEG WHEELER. They turn and leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - NIGHT] (Camera opens on the "ATLAS OF HUMAN ANATOMY", opened and turned to the page with a picture of a skeleton and its parts identified.) (Cut to: GRISSOM examines the bones one by one. CATHERINE looks through the book.) (Cut to: Piece by piece, they start to reconstruct the skeleton.) (Cut to: CATHERINE compares a bone with the book.) (Dissolve to: GRISSOM picks up a piece of bone.) (Dissolve to: CATHERINE takes the bone back from the book and puts it on the table. GRISSOM and NICK continue to work.) Catherine: That's the femur. (GRISSOM picks up a bone piece. Grissom: Ankle bone? Medial malleolous? Goes on the bottom of the tibia? Catherine: (looking at the book) That is correct. According to the book. Grissom: I'll take toe bones for $200, Alex. (GRISSOM picks up more bones and places them on the table where he thinks they should be.) (Cut to: A bone is compared to the book.) (GRISSOM leans over the table with the bones; CATHERINE sits in front of the book.) Grissom: "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." Catherine: (sighs) Hmm. Have we hit a wall yet? Grissom: No. This was a man, judging by the pelvic bone. (GRISSOM puts more bones down on the table.) (Dissolve to: The bones.) (Dissolve to: GRISSOM adjusts the camera above the table as he continues to work. GRISSOM picks up half of the jaw and looks at it enhanced on the monitor.) Grissom: Hey, Nicky? Nick: Yeah. Grissom: Let's post this on the dental society database -- see if anyone responds. Nick: You got it. (Cut to: The skull is the last piece placed on the table. He measures the length of the bone.) Grissom: Five times the length of the humerus means this guy was... six feet tall. But we don't know his race, and we don't know whether he was right-or left-handed yet. Catherine: Well, he was old-- there's some calcification on the rib cartilage. 60, 70 years old, maybe. Grissom: Hmm. (GRISSOM sees something and leans in close to look at it.) Catherine: Are the bones whispering to you? (Quick close up flash to the bone that GRISSOM is looking at. There are marks on them near the broken. End of flash. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM picks up the bone and looks at it under a magnifying glass. He hands the bone to CATHERINE.) Grissom: Look at these jagged marks on the bone. Catherine: Wait a minute. This guy was chopped up. That's murder. Grissom: Well, not necessarily. Could have happened postmortem. You know, one of those tractors up in the hills. Or a mulching machine maybe. Catherine: A mulching machine? How long do you plan on ignoring the obvious? (TERI MILLER pushes the door to the autopsy room open.) Catherine: A 70-year-old man found in the mountains with clear evidence he was chopped to pieces. That's a ... homicide. Teri Miller: Well, you should check for hemorrhagic tissue at the bone's tool marks ... to be certain. (At the sound of her voice, GRISSOM turns around.) Grissom: Teri. Teri Miller: Hi. Catherine: Thanks for coming, Teri. (CATHERINE turns to look at GRISSOM, who suddenly turns to look at CATHERINE.) Catherine: I told you I was ... calling Teri ... ... didn't I? Anyway, what were you saying about hemorrhagic tissue? Grissom: It's blood in the soft tissue. If you find it, it means the guy was alive when he was cut up. Teri Miller: Hmm. Well, maybe you two don't need me, after all. Grissom: I would never turn away a scientist of your talent. (TERI smiles. GRISSOM turn to look at CATHERINE.) Grissom: Uh, could I have a word with you outside, please? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM stand out in the hallway.) Grissom: You bring in a specialist without my approval? Catherine: And you don't bring in one, possibly compromise the case, because you two had a relationship? Grissom: Relationship? I hardly know that woman. Catherine: Oh ... so I guess that dopey look in your eye when she's around is just that. Here's the deal -- we're using cliff notes to put that skeleton back together in there. Teri is availing her services. You said she's the best, but, hey, if you want me to send her away ... Grissom: Just ... (sighs) ... check with me about stuff like this, will you? (GRISSOM heads back into the room.) Catherine: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM steps back into the room as TERI goes over their work.) Grissom: Sorry. So, how did we do? Teri Miller: Not bad. (She picks up two pieces of bone.) Teri Miller: Scaphoid... cuneiform. However, this is a wrist bone and this ... is a foot bone. (She puts each piece in its proper place. They look at each other.) Grissom: I'm glad you're here. (TERI smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB - MORNING] (NICK looks at the lower jaw bone and checks the computer. CATHERINE works quietly next to him.) Nick: It looks like somebody in the dental society database saw our posting. Catherine: Really? Nick: Sid Tucker. Catherine: No way. A local dentist. Nick: He has records that go back thirty years. Catherine: Move over. (NICK moves aside and CATHERINE slides her chair over in front of the monitor.) Catherine: (reading) "Hairline fissure of the mandibular canine." (sighs) Oh, god, why didn't I learn latin? (NICK points to the tooth.) Nick: It's lower level third from the middle. (CATHERINE turns to stare at NICK.) Nick: Better memory than you. And ... our first character match. (CATHERINE hits the computer keyboard and brings up an x-ray.) Catherine: "Overlapping left incisors." That's the front teeth, right? Nick: Two for two. (They look at the next x-ray.) Catherine: "Gold fillings." Well, I know that. He's got gold fillings in "adjoining right molars and interspersed in left molars". Tell me this is all we need. Nick: Nolan Ryan pitches another perfect game. Catherine: And the winner is ... (CATHERINE hits the keyboard and the "DENTAL RECORD IDENTIFICATION" box comes up.) Nick: Mel Bennett. 326 Franklin Street. Date of birth September 6, 1931. He was 70. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (GRISSOM stands over the bones with TERI.) Grissom: An electric saw? You sure? Teri Miller: Grooves from a handsaw would be straight, parallel. Now look at the grooves along the medial condyle of the femur. They're coarse. See? A reciprocating electric saw was used on this person. (NICK and CATHERINE walk into the room.) Catherine: Excuse me. Um ... the person's name is Mel Bennett. We just confirmed it. We're going to meet Brass at the widow's house. Grissom: (to TERI) I got to go. Thank you. Teri Miller: You're welcome. Grissom: Nick, would you stay here and work with Teri on this soft tissue stuff? She'll explain it to you. Nick: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (DR. ROBBINS goes over the body with WARRICK.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Our male dancer. Warrick: Multiple blows to the head? Dr. Albert Robbins: That's right. And one of those blows did enough damage to cause cranial bleeding. Any of your ladies mention having s*x with this victim? (They both walk over to the scope.) Warrick: No. Just lap dances-- nothing more. Dr. Albert Robbins: I think the dance might have been a bit more intimate. Penile swab's back from the lab. [SCOPE VIEW] Dr. Albert Robbins: Vaginal cells. Warrick: Looks like fried eggs. Dr. Albert Robbins: That's because the cells are fresh. Darren had s*x just before he died. Warrick: What's the estimated time of death? DR. ALBERT ROBBINS Midnight. Warrick: What?! These ladies said he was alive when they left him at 3:00 A.M. Dr. Albert Robbins: Someone's lying. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (SARA and WARRICK interview the women again.) Meg Wheeler: I don't mean to be snippy, but we're already late for my rehearsal dinner. Sara: Dinner's going to have to wait. Warrick: We have forensic proof that Darren Pyne had s*x with a woman just before he died. Sara: And, as far as we can tell you were the last three women with him. So, who's lying? Joyce Lanier: I have two small children and a husband. I can't be involved in this. Lynn Henry: (whispering) Joyce ... shut up. Sara: About what? Lynn, does this have anything to do with the bruises on your wrists? Warrick: Hey, tell us or tell the D.A. Lynn Henry: Okay. After the bachelorette party, we left. (Quick flashback to: LYNN opens the door and enters the motel room.) Lynn Henry: (V.O.) I forgot my purse, so I went back in to get it. (She looks and finds that DARREN PYNE is holding the purse and smiling at her.) (Cut to: LYNN reaches for the bag and DARREN grabs her wrist.) Lynn Henry: Let go. (He pushes her back against the couch and gets on top of her.) Lynn Henry: No! Get off! Oh, no. (They struggle.) Lynn Henry: (V.O.) I told him no, but he just wouldn't take no for an answer. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: So he raped you. Lynn Henry: That's how I got the bruises on my wrists. I didn't even tell them until we got back to the hotel. Warrick: Was Darren alive when you left? Lynn Henry: Very... unfortunately. Meg Wheeler: So ... can we go now? My fiancé is already asking questions. Sara: Yeah, you can go. (Everyone gets up.) Sara: But, Lynn, uh ... a car's going to take you to the hospital for an exam. Lynn Henry: An exam for what? Warrick: It's just standard procedure for sexual assault. (She nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BENNETT RESIDENCE - DAY] (A doorbell rings and the door opens.) Rose Bennett: Yes? Brass: I'm Detective Jim Brass -- Las Vegas Police Department. Are you Mrs. Bennett? Rose Bennett: Oh, yes. Is this about my car plates? I have them. I just haven't had time to put them on the car. GRISSOM; Actually, Mrs. Bennett we're here about your husband, Mel. Rose Bennett: Oh, well, Mel isn't here right now. Catherine: Well, do you know where he is? (GRISSOM stares at her.) Rose Bennett: Yes. He's at the store. Is there a problem? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BENNETT RESIDENCE -- DAY] (An OFFICER and BRASS both escort ROSE BENNETT to the back of the OFFICER car.) Brass: Mrs. Bennett, everything is all right. We're just going to ask a few questions down at the station. Grissom: She looks distraught. Catherine: Is that because she just found out he's dead or because she got caught? [INT. BENNETT RESIDENCE -- DAY] (Inside the house, GRISSOM examines the framed photographs on the walls.) Grissom: Interesting how people catalog their lives. Fifty years of marriage on the wall. Brass: Yeah, that's a lot of years. Maybe a few too many for the missus. Catherine: Oh, I don't know. These two were good with each other. (GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE. There's just something in her voice.) Catherine: (She sighs.) It takes a bad marriage to recognize a good one. (Cut to: BRASS looks through the things in the closet. He opens a box and picks up an old trophy.) [BATHROOM] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM are in the bathroom. CATHERINE opens the medicine cabinet to look inside while GRISSOM examines the toilet.) Catherine: Well, not even an aspirin. (CATHERINE shuts the medicine cabinet door, then bends to look into the tub.) Catherine: Look at this. The tub hasn't been used in a while. Grissom: Well, maybe she only uses her other bathroom. (Cut to: BRASS continues to look through the boxes.) (Cut back to: CATHERINE checks the drain.) Catherine: Tub's the most obvious place to cut up a body but I don't see anything down there. Grissom: Try phenolphthalein? Catherine: Give me a swab. (CATHERINE takes a swab of the drain. They test it. It tests positive.) Grissom: Hmm... [SCENE_BREAK] [LIVING ROOM] (BRASS walks in carrying a package.) Brass: How did you guys do? Catherine: We found blood in the drain. Grissom: You find anything? Brass: Just the murder weapon. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE turn to look at BRASS.) Brass: Cleaned, in the widow's garage. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE - NIGHT] (TERI handles the electric saw on a piece of ham. The drill whirls while CATHERINE and GRISSOM watch.) Teri Miller: Bone of a pig. They are the most like humans, as you know. (Finally, after a moment, TERI cuts through the bone. GRISSOM reaches out for the piece to look at the cut.) Catherine: And this saw matches the one that Brass found in Mrs. Bennett's garage? Teri Miller: Exact model. No doubt about it. The marks on this bone are consistent with the marks on Mel Bennett's bones. Exact same electric saw, same blade. Grissom: Can you tell us anything about the operator? Catherine: You mean Mrs. Bennett? (CATHERINE turns to look at GRISSOM who doesn't say anything, neither confirming nor denying who operated the saw. She gets it.) Catherine: Oh, right. (whispering) Reserve judgment. Teri Miller: How someone operates a saw is as telling as how someone operates a pen. Now, look at the femur. The skipping marks of the saw over the bone tell us whoever used the saw was unfamiliar with its use. An amateur, if you will. Someone with or a weakened nature. Compromised musculature. (CATHERINE turns to look at GRISSOM. He meets her gaze.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LUCKY SEVEN ROOM - NIGHT] (WARRICK and SARA check the room again as they talk about the case.) Warrick: What do you mean, "it doesn't add up?" Sara: Well, we're assuming that a couple of lamp hits to the head killed Darren, right? Warrick: For now, yeah. Sara: You read the coroner's final report. There's no traces of that lamp on his head at points of impact. Warrick: Yeah, but maybe the materials didn't adhere. Doesn't mean he wasn't hit in the head with the lamp. (He turns and sees SARA looking at the bed where DARREN PYNE'S body was found.) Warrick: What are you looking for? Sara: I don't know. I'll let you know when I find it. Warrick: Well, if you don't know, I can't help you. (SARA gets up and sighs. She walks around.) Warrick: What is this? Sara: What? What do you got? (WARRICK indicates the crease of the sofa.) Warrick: Something-something. Sara: Where? Warrick: Right there. Sara: Nice. (SARA takes a photo. He reaches out and picks it up.) Sara: Tiniest diamond in the world. Warrick: Oh, you think so, huh? (WARRICK walks over to the glass table and tries to cut it. He finds nothing.) Warrick: No. Diamonds cut glass. This is some cheap-ass cubic zirconia. Sara: The bride-to-be's ring, maybe? She was here. Warrick: Let's go ask her. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT] (BRASS, GRISSOM and CATHERINE question ROSE BENNETT.) Rose Bennett: Why do you keep asking me these kinds of questions? Brass: Well, because someone killed your husband, Mrs. Bennett ... and was strong enough to wield an electric saw to do it. Catherine: But not so strong as to make clean cuts. Rose Bennett: (sighs) I didn't kill Mel. I loved him. Brass: Why didn't you report him missing? Were you used to him leaving or did you fight much? Rose Bennett: Never. Never. We had a perfect marriage. Perfect. Grissom: And you failed to report him missing for seven months because ... ? Rose Bennett: I don't like your tone, young man. Detective, you said I could have an attorney at any time. I think I'd like one now. Brass: Oh, sure, Mrs. Bennett, sure. Just sign this form please. (BRASS pushes a piece of paper and a pen toward her. She has difficulty picking the pen up. Everyone makes note of the difficulty.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SPHERE HOTEL - STRIP - NIGHT] (SARA and WARRICK step off of the escalator and head toward the hotel.) Sara: Every time we go to find these women they're somewhere else. You sure you got that address? That desk clerk was talking very quickly. Warrick: They talk faster at the sports book. Sara: What? Warrick: In the old days. Sara: Oh. You think we're dressed for a wedding? Warrick: Yeah. Not my wedding. (SARA'S pager beeps. She checks it.) Warrick: What? Sara: Lynn Henry's SART exam's in. (She hands her beeper to WARRICK to read the message.) Warrick: She lied to us. Sara: At this point, I think all those girls are lying to us. Warrick: All right, let's call homicide and tell them to meet us there. Let's put this to bed before the honeymoon. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET TO WEDDING CHAPEL - NIGHT] (Police sirens wail as the cars turn the corner and head to the wedding chapel.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. A LITTLE WHITE CHAPEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Camera pans along the roof of the chapel that reads, "... you ... I want you ... I can't live without you.) (Cut back to: "A LITTLE WHITE CHAPEL"'s sign. The camera moves from the sign to the roof to the police car parking.) (SGT. O'RILEY gets out of the front car.) (Cut to: SGT. O'RILEY walks through the lobby just as the minister is speaking. He interrupts them.) Sgt. O'Riley: Sorry, Elvis. Your wedding party has to leave the building. (The entire party turns around to find SGT. O'RILEY, WARRICK and SARA walking down the aisle.) Joyce Lanier: (whispers) What? Lynn Henry: Oh, my god. Meg Wheeler: What's going on? Sgt. O'Riley: All three of you ladies are coming in for questioning in the murder of Darren Pyne. Luke: Murder? Is this a joke? Sara: The clock's going to explain it all, believe me. Luke: The ... the clock? What ... what clock? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLLWAY - NIGHT] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk through the hallway. They bump into TERI MILLER carrying her kit and walking out past reception.) Grissom: Hey. Where you going? Teri Miller: I'm leaving. Grissom: Town? Teri Miller: Don't worry, I was able to isolate some soft tissue from the preserved vertebrae. Nick's working on it now. (CATHERINE nods, then notices that GRISSOM hasn't said anything. She takes that as her cue to leave.) Catherine: Well, I'm going to go check that out. Teri ... (they shake hands) ... You rule. Teri Miller: Thanks, Catherine. (CATHERINE leaves.) Grissom: Well ... have a safe trip. Teri Miller: Yeah. (TERI puts her kit down.) Teri Miller: I-I need to apologize for not returning your call last month. Grissom: Teri, I admire your dedication to your work. Teri Miller: Um ... dedication to my work didn't keep me from returning your call. Grissom: Oh. It ... it was nothing. I-I-I just called to see how you were doing. Teri Miller: Um ... well ... are you still interested in how I'm doing? Grissom: Of course. So ... what's next? Teri Miller: Mutilation in the Everglades. Grissom: Maybe it was just an alligator. Teri Miller: Yeah. And if it's not, I'll be filing for a change of address again. Anyway ... I got to go. (TERI picks up her kit and walks past GRISSOM. He turns around to stop her.) Grissom: Do you have to go? I mean ... couldn't you take a later flight? Teri Miller: More bones? Grissom: Have dinner with me later. (She smiles and nods.) Teri Miller: I think the bodies will keep. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB - NIGHT] (NICK and CATHERINE look through the scope.) Nick: See this tissue? [SCOPE VIEW of tissue] Catherine: I do. There's no evidence of blood. Nick: Yeah. Tells us blood was not pumping through Mel Bennett's veins when he was cut up. Catherine: Which means he was already dead. Nick: Yeah. Catherine: So what does that leave us? Grissom: A spectrum of possibilities. (They turn to see GRISSOM leaning against the door frame.) Grissom: The universe. Catherine: Leaves me with a black widow. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT] (GRISSOM and SARA re-question ROSE BENNETT with her lawyer.) Margaret Finn: We want to thank the crime lab for discovering that Mrs. Bennett's husband was dead when she disassembled him. Catherine: Disassembled him? So she admits to taking an electric saw to her husband? Margaret Finn: After he was dead, yes. As you know, in Nevada, there's no law against cutting up a dead body. Catherine: There's no law saying it's okay, either. Grissom: Does your client care to tell us how her husband came to be dead? Margaret Finn: Well, she has no idea. She came home from the grocer's went into the bathroom and there he was in the tub, deceased. Rose Bennett: No. I-I want to explain. Margaret Finn: Briefly, Mrs. Bennett. Rose Bennett: (sighs) I couldn't afford the burial. So I-I got the saw ... and I cut him into manageable pieces. Catherine: "Manageable"? Rose Bennett: Mmm. Grissom: You made it easier to transport his body? Rose Bennett: Yeah. To Mount Charleston. (The door to the interview room opens and BRASS walks in.) Brass: I called that whistle-blower's line at the local treasury office. You know, the one that handles social security fraud? They were happy to help. (BRASS puts some papers down on the table in front of them. GRISSOM and CATHERINE both look through them.) Catherine: Well, Mrs. Bennett ... can you afford the burial now? Margaret Finn: What are you talking about? Catherine: It's her husband's social security checks from the last two years. Brass: The signature's the same till seven months ago. Q.D. Matched the lady's writing. Mrs. Bennett, you've been cashing your dearly departed's checks, haven't you? Grissom: And that's fraud. Catherine: It's also a motive. Margaret Finn: You want to alert the government about some forged social security checks, be my guest. But there's no murder here. We're done. Mrs. Bennett. (They stand up to leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE ORPHEUS HOTEL/CASINO - DIFFERENT LOCATIONS - LATER] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk down the sidewalk.) Catherine: Typical Vegas wife - off'ed her old man for the money and there's nothing we can do about it. Grissom: We have to go back to the body. Catherine: Right. There's always a clue except we don't have a body. Grissom: We have bones. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB - NIGHT] (GRISSOM takes a small portion of the bone and puts it in a dish. CATHERINE takes the dish and caps it. She leaves the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - NIGHT] (GREG SANDERS puts a sample in the machine.) Greg Sanders: Skeletal muscle of Mel Bennett. It goes in ... contents come out. In 30 seconds -- bioassay. I like saying that word. Bioassay. Sounds nubian. So how are you? CATHERINE; Never better. Greg Sanders: Yeah? Well, you look good. Catherine: I try. Greg Sanders: Yeah. I heard Grissom's lady friend was in town. Catherine: Ladyfriend? Hmm. Wouldn't know anything about that. Greg Sanders: Really? I thought you and Grissom were tight. Catherine: We are. (The machine beeps.) Greg Sanders: Okay. Got it. Private. (He reads the results.) Greg Sanders: Huh. Digoxin. Catherine: Digoxin? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT] (GRISSOM reads the results.) Grissom: It's supposed to treat heart failure but not if you're taking the amount found in Mel Bennett's bones. Catherine: She poisoned him. (GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE. Grissom: "Someone" did. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BENNETT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE re-interview ROSE BENNETT.) Grissom: We know your husband had an overdose in his system. We found it in his bone tissue. Catherine: Did you kill him for his pension checks? Margaret Finn: Don't answer that question. Rose Bennett: It's okay. Mel took those pills himself. He asked me to leave the house, so he could do it. Brass: So now it's suicide? Rose Bennett: He was dying from the heart trouble. He was in chronic pain. He asked me to get it over with. I couldn't. I loved him. Grissom: This is the part that I'm having a hard time with. You were able to cut him up when you realized you couldn't afford the burial? Rose Bennett: I lied about why. Margaret Finn: Mrs. Bennett, don't ... Rose Bennett: No. Let me talk. Mel made me promise to hide his body so I wouldn't lose his social security benefits. Catherine: (realizes) Because a wife's benefits are cut in half when the husband dies. Rose Bennett: Yes. Even if you've spent fifty years by his side -- packing his lunch, pressing his work pants. Mel was my whole life. I didn't kill him. I couldn't even put him out of his misery. (Her voice breaks and she starts to cry.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BENNETT HOUSE - NIGHT] (Standing outside the house, they discuss the case.) Catherine: So what do you think, Jim? Brass: I don't know. You're the lab guys. What is the evidence telling you? Grissom: Forensically, we can't prove if Mel took the digoxin overdose or if she forced it on him. Catherine: So that leaves us with one choice. Grissom: Equivocal evidence. Catherine: Golden rule. Brass: Ah. Well, "when faced with evidence that can equally exonerate or implicate a suspect", we must "as objective interpreters of that evidence ... side with the defendant." Tie goes to the runner. Grissom: Rose goes free. Because we'll never be able to prove who administered the fatal dose. Catherine: (sighs) I don't think she did it. Brass: Okay, then. I guess I'm out of here. I'll go start my paperwork. Catherine: See you. (BRASS leaves. CATHERINE turns to look at GRISSOM.) Catherine: Okay, so I was wrong. It wasn't murder. Grissom: It's not a contest. Catherine: You want to go in with me? Give her the good news? Grissom: Could you do it? I'm sorta late for a dinner. Catherine: (smiles) Sure. Grissom: Thanks. (GRISSOM leaves. CATHERINE heads back to the house.) (Cut to: Through the glass windows we see CATHERINE inside the house, walking up to ROSE and MARGARET FINN to give them the news. After a moment, ROSE turns and hugs her lawyer.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT] (SARA and SGT. O'RILEY are in the interview room with the women. SARA stands in front of a blackboard.) Sara: So, ladies of the wedding party, you get a free course in the forensics of sexual intercourse. Secrets of our trade. Lynn, when you had your exam for sexual assault a SART nurse makes a clock like this. (SARA turns around and picks up a piece of chalk to illustrate on the blackboard.) Sara: This is the v*g1n*. (O'RILEY stands next to the blackboard.) Sara: And it does tell a monologue. Some bruising is normal when s*x occurs. Injuries at 11:00 ... 12:00 or 1:00 indicate consensual s*x or what we would call "avid." Injuries around the dinner hour ... five, six, or seven, indicate forced entry. The woman hasn't done anything to help her partner thus sustaining serious bruising. Sgt. O'Riley: Sidle, I'm going to be just outside the door. (O'RILEY walks out of the room.) Sara: Okay, O'Riley. Lynn ... your exam showed no evidence of s*x in the last 48 hours. Actually, in months. (JOYCE snickers quietly.) But the epithelials indicate that Darren had s*x right before he and the coroner puts time of death when you've all admitted to being present. So ... Meg? Joyce? (No one responds.) Sara: Look, we can run the clock exam on each of you. And the clock is going to tell us what happened. So who wants to go first? MEG WHEELER I had s*x with Darren ... and it wasn't rape. (Short time cut to later.) (The tape recorder is on as it takes down MEG WHEELER'S statement.) Meg Wheeler: Darren had been flirting with me all night. And, when it was time to leave I told the other girls to wait in the car. I know it's crazy but I thought ... I'm in Vegas. It doesn't really count. (Quick flashback to: That night, MEG and DARREN are in bed thoroughly enjoying themselves. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Meg Wheeler: And ... then I don't know what happened. (Quick flashback to: MEG runs her hand on DARREN'S shoulders and sees her engagement ring.) Meg Wheeler: (V.O.) I saw my engagement ring. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Meg Wheeler: (crying) Then I-I thought about Luke and how he trusts me. (Quick flashback to: MEG starts hesitating, but DARREN'S not buying it.) Meg Wheeler: I don't think this is right. Darren Pyne: Oh, you like it a little rough. Meg Wheeler: (V.O.) I tried to push Darren of me ... Darren Pyne: Okay. We can do that. Meg Wheeler: (V.O.) But I-I don't think it got through. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Meg Wheeler: He wouldn't stop. (Quick flashback to: MEG grabs the lamp off of the table and hits DARREN on the head with it.) Meg Wheeler: As soon as I hit him with the lamp, I knew. (Quick flashback to: DARREN is out cold on top of MEG.) Warrick: (V.O.) So you only hit him once? (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Meg Wheeler: (nods) Mm-hmm. I didn't mean to kill him. Sara: Meg, your engagement ring ... is that cubic zirconia? Meg Wheeler: No. It's a real diamond. My fiancé wanted me to have the best. Warrick: Does your fiancé have a zirconia ring? Meg Wheeler: Zirconia-studded. It's a promise ring. He told me to save my money ... for our honeymoon. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT -- LATER] (WARRICK and SARA interview MEG WHEELER with her fiancé, LUKE.) Luke: Damaged? No. My ring is fine. Warrick: May we see it? (LUKE takes off the ring and hands it to WARRICK. He and SARA look at it and notice the missing stud.) Warrick: You were in that motel room that night, weren't you, Luke? Luke: I don't know what you're talking about. Warrick: What happened? You got wind of the party? (Quick flashback to: That night.) Luke: (shouting) (o.s.) Where is she? (LUKE grabs LYNN HENRY by her wrists and pulls her out of the car.) Lynn Henry: I don't know where she is. Joyce Lanier: Let her go! Luke: Your husband told me you were here! Now tell me where she is! Lynn Henry: Let go of me. Luke: Just give me the room number. Tell me where she is. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: Bruised up Lynn's wrists. Sara: Meg, you did have s*x with Darren the dancer. Maybe you even tried to stop in the middle of it. But something got your attention. (Quick flashback to: DARREN and MEG are in bed.) Meg Wheeler: I don't think this is right. (MEG looks up and sees LUKE standing over them.) Meg Wheeler: Oh, my god! Luke. (LUKE gets angry and knocks the lamp off of the bedside table where it breaks.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Luke, you threw the lamp -- probably on the floor. Understandable rage. Warrick: You did what any guy in your position would do. (Quick flashback to: That night. LUKE grabs DARREN and slams his head against the headboard. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: But you didn't stop with one hit. (Quick flashback to: LUKE continues to hit DARREN against the headboard. In the process, he looses the stud in his ring. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: And you didn't know that you had lost a piece of your ring. Sara: Except we found it. (She holds up the stud to show them.) (LUKE gasps. MEG turn to look at LUKE.) Meg Wheeler: Honey, I'm sorry. Luke: We just ... we just were hoping we could get married. Put it all behind us. Warrick: Laws don't end when you come to Vegas. (WARRICK puts the ring back on the table. LUKE hangs his head.) (Cut to: LUKE and MEG sitting in the back of the police car.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT] (High above the strip, GRISSOM and TERI have dinner.) Grissom: I'm surprised. I'm having a nice time. Teri Miller: Were you expecting a bad time? Grissom: No. I just thought we might be uncomfortable away from work. Teri Miller: Are you? Grissom: No. Teri Miller: Nor am I. Grissom: Good. Teri Miller: It's kind of like that old saying: "How a person does one thing is ... Grissom: ... how a person does everything." Teri Miller: Exactly. (GRISSOM'S pager beeps. He looks at TERI.) Grissom: Excuse me. Teri Miller: Sure. (He takes out his pager and reads the message. TERI takes a sip of her drink.) Teri Miller: What's going on? Grissom: (sighs) They found two bodies in a crack den at the end of the strip. Evidently, they've been dead awhile. They need me to do an insect analysis ASAP. Teri Miller: Oh. Well ... you are the bug guy. Grissom: Yeah. But I asked you to postpone your flight. Teri Miller: It's okay. It happens. Grissom: Maybe I can ... (GRISSOM'S phone rings.) Grissom: (to TERI) I'm sorry. (GRISSOM turns aside and answers the phone.) Grissom: (to phone) Yeah. Grissom. All right, look ... make sure the paramedics don't leave and have the primary on the scene take photographs of the corpses at two-minute intervals until I arrive. All right? (He hangs up the phone and turns back.) (TERI'S gone.) (GRISSOM sighs.)

Plan: A: a single human bone; Q: What is discovered in the desert? A: miles; Q: What unit of measurement is used to describe the distance Grissom and Catherine must cover? A: a wedding party; Q: What group of people are the suspects in the murder of a male stripper? Summary: When a single human bone is discovered in the desert, Grissom and Catherine must cover miles of territory to find the rest of the skeleton. And Warrick and Sara trace the death of a male stripper to members of a wedding party who may have celebrated a little too hard the night before the nuptials.

Provided by TVTDB.com (Meredith sees herself dead in the hospital hallways) (Meredith is talking to Derek) Meredith: Pick me. Choose me. Love me. (Meredith is drowning in the bathtub) Derek: You're the love of my life, I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. (Derek pulls a dead Meredith out of the water) (Meredith is with her mom) Ellis: Imagine my surprise when I wake up after five years and discover you're no more than ordinary[/i]) (Meredith is in the morgue) MVO: There's a reason surgeons learn to wield scalpels. We like to pretend we're hard, cold scientists. We like to pretend we're fearless. (She opens the door to a freezer and sees herself) Dead Meredith: Pick me, choose me, love me. (Meredith wakes up to realize she was dreaming) MVO: But the truth is, we become surgeons because somewhere, deep down, we think we can cut away that which haunts us... (Meredith enters the dining room to find Alex and Izzie. Alex is carving a pumpkin and Izzie is baking) Meredith: What are you guys doing up? Izzie and Alex: Couldn't sleep. MVO: Weakness, frailty...death. (Meredith dumps her moms ashes into a Ziploc bag) Izzie: What is that? Meredith: My mother. Alex: Happy freaking' Halloween. (Cristina is at the bulletin, Richard is nearby) Richard: Yang...you're moving out of Burke's place, huh? Cristina: Yes, sir. Richard: My wife has filed for divorce. Cristina: I'm very sorry, sir. Richard: At any rate, I need a place to live. And Burke's place...I...I was there once. I suppose actually it's your place now, right? Cristina: No, it's still Burke's place. Now it's yours. (Meredith is in the locker room with the other interns) Cristina: What are we looking at? Izzie: Meredith put her mom in a baggie and brought her to work. Meredith: I had to get her out of my closet. She was haunting me. Alex: And now she's haunting us all. Meredith: I'm putting her to rest. (Sydney enters) Sydney: Meredith is cleansing. In tribal culture, when one wants to cleanse the past, one cuts off all of one's hair and buries it in the earth. You might try that, too. (Callie enters) Callie: Okay, listen up. Today is a holiday, which means the pit will be overrun. You've got the usual drunken stupidity... Bailey: And then you've got Seattle's annual chain saw pumpkin carving contest. I love this city. Callie: Stay on your toes, stay on top of your interns, okay? Izzie: So we should round before heading to the pit or... Callie: Yeah, you should direct your questions to Dr. Bailey, Stevens. Cristina: Oh, we're directing our questions to Dr. Bailey? Callie: Oh, not you. Just Stevens. Bailey: Why is Stevens directing her questions to Dr. Bailey? Callie: Because she's been sleeping with my husband. All righty, then. Have a good day. (Callie and Izzie leave) Cristina: Okay, this is even more disturbing than your bagful of mommy. (Lexie is in the hall with Erin and her father, Jack) Erin: His medication was due half an hour ago. I mean, the man is living in the hospital while he waits on a heart. Jack: Erin, honey. I'm thinking it's kinda hard for anyone to take you seriously in your mouse costume. Erin: See, I work with 5 year olds, dad. My costume is appropriate. Hers is not. Look, I'm...I'm just saying, if you have time for Halloween costumes, you probably have time to provide my father with basic care. (George walks up) George: Hi, I'm Dr. O'Malley. We'll take care of your father right away. Erin: Thank you. George: You should always make sure they have their meds before you do anything else. Lexie: Okay. Thanks. George: I like your costume. Lexie: Oh, well, Dr. Yang said that we... George: Yang...is screwing with you. Lexie: Oh, I knew it (Bailey is in the clinic when James walks up) James: Are you the doctor? Bailey: Oh, I am. James: Good. That's...that's good. Bailey: Is your leg hurting you? James: It's...it's not the leg. It's the foot. And...and it's not hurting so much as... as it's not mine. Something happened. I...I can't explain it. But this...this foot does not belong to me. It...it's...it...it...it feels like it's a corpse foot. Bailey: Oh, did you lose feeling in the foot? Is it numb? James: No, it's...it's not numb. It's just...it's not mine. Please, I'm...I'm not crazy. I...I work at a bank. I'm not crazy. Please. I just...I...I need a surgeon. I need you to get me a surgeon who will remove it. Bailey: A surgeon who will remove your foot? A surgeon who will amputate your seemingly healthy foot? (Meredith is in the hall and runs into Derek) Meredith: Oh! Derek: What is that? Meredith: It's charts. Derek: Meredith. Meredith: It's my mom. Derek: What? Meredith: I had her in the cubby, and she was freaking people out. So I was just gonna go put her in the car. Do you think that's disrespectful, to leave her in the car? Derek: It's a little... Meredith: It's not that strange. Derek: Oh. Meredith: I'm trying to figure out how to put her to rest. I can't shove her in the back of my closet anymore. I have to deal with her. Derek: Well... Meredith: And this is me trying to evolve. I'm trying here. So...cubby or car? Derek: You're asking me if I think you should put your mom's ashes in your cubby or your car? Okay, and you don't think that's very, very strange? (Ryan walks up) Ryan: Are those really your mom's ashes? Derek: It's strange, right? It's strange. Meredith: Are you lost? Ryan: No, my mom works in the cafeteria. And she said I could come up here and look for Dr. Sloan. Do you know him? Meredith: Um, can you take care of him? Derek: Yeah. Can you...take care of her? (Mark walks up to the nurse's station) Mark: Good morning. Olivia: Don't do that. Don't smile at me. Jolene: Don't smile at her. Don't smile at me, either. Olivia: We're on to you. Jolene: We've compared notes. Mark: Compared notes? Really? Jolene: Mm-hmm. Olivia: Compared notes, compared pickup lines compared techniques. Mark: Techniques? Jolene and Olivia: Identical. Mark: Identical? Olivia: We formed a club. Nurses unite against Mark Sloan. Mark: Are there any, uh, club activities? (Derek walks up with Ryan) Mark: Oh, man. You would not believe what just happened to me. Derek: There's a, uh, kid looking for you. Mark: What? Ryan: Daddy? Mark: What? (Mark looks shocked. After a minute Ryan smiles and Derek gives him some money) Derek: Nicely done. Ryan: Thanks. Mark: I'll be getting you back for that. Derek: Looking forward to it. Ryan: You're not my father. But I am hoping you'll build me some ears. (Alex is in the hall when a nurse walks past) Nurse: Dr. Karev, request for you. Curtain three. (Alex is on the way to curtain three and runs into Norman) Norman: Dr. Karev, I'm feeling a little under the weather. And...and rather than risk spreading germs to the patients, I thought I would head home for the day. Alex: Norman, do you want to be a surgeon or do you want to go to bed? Because it's one or the other. Surgeons stand up through 10...12...15-hour surgeries without food, without bathroom breaks without complaints. Surgeons do not go home because we have a tickle in our throat. (Alex opens the curtain and finds Ava) Norman: Well, it's not a tickle in my throat as much as... Alex: Make yourself busy, Norman. Norman: Right. Ava: All the moms in my town, they all dress up for Halloween. So I was thinking, what would I want to be if...if I had to dress up or what I...and the only thing I could come up with, the only thing that I wanted to be...was Ava. (Alex grabs her and kisses her) (Meredith walks up to Mark and Ryan) Meredith: You found him. Ryan: You two know each other? You know his parents? Meredith: His mom works in the cafeteria. What's all this? Ryan: It's letters from the kids in my class. Mark: Letters to me. He has the internal structure to hear, he just doesn't have a canal or external structure. Ryan: So I thought if I came in with my letters, Dr. Sloan might feel sorry for me and do the surgery for free. Mark: Uh, look, I'd like to help, I would if I could, but pro bono surgery... Ryan: You should probably know that on my way here this morning, three different people thought I was in a costume. My head looks like a permanent Halloween costume. Just thought you should know that. Meredith: You're good. Mark: Pro bono surgery is not just about me giving you my time. A surgery like this requires OR time, an anesthesiologist, a general surgeon to remove the cartilage from your ribs, at least two surgical nurses. Meredith: Couldn't you ask them for help? Mark: I could, but I don't have any social capital. The nurses hate me. They've formed a club that's all about hating me. And the other doctors don't owe me any favors 'cause I've never done any for them. I'm sorry. I wish I could help. I would if I could. Meredith: I have social capital. Or I don't. Nobody knows me, but they knew my mother. So maybe I can make this happen. Mark: Fine, make it happen. You manage that, I'm all yours. Ryan: These people who knew your mother, do they know you brought her to work in a baggie? (Alex and Ava are in the on-call room) Ava: Oh, you...you didn't come for me. You...you chickened out. When I... when I was leaving, when I was...when I asked you to give me a reason to stay, you chickened out, which I...I get. I get that. It was a lot. It was scary, and I...I know I can be kinda intense, but I thought...I thought...oh! I thought after the... the chickening out part, I thought...you would come for me. I came back for you, which basically...makes me a beggar. I'm a beggar for Halloween. And now you're mocking me. Alex: I'm not mocking you. Ava: We need...to talk. Alex: We will. (Bailey and Raj are talking about James) Bailey: Body dysmorphic disorder? Raj: You can prescribe him some anti-anxiety meds to try to lessen the urgency he's feeling. Bailey: The man is requesting an amputation, and the best you can come up with is anti-anxiety meds? (Nurse calls Bailey) Nurse: Dr. Bailey. Bailey: Chain saw contest time? Nurse: Yep. Bailey: Mr. Miller. I have to get to the ER. But I'm gonna write you a prescription for some medication I think may help you. James: Medication? I need... I...I need a surgeon. A surgeon can take off the foot. Get me a surgeon! Bailey: I am a surgeon, and I can tell you right now that you won't persuade me or any other surgeon to do what you're asking. Please try this medication. (Meredith is in Richard's office) Meredith: I have an earless boy. Richard: I'm sorry? Meredith: Sloan has agreed to build him ears pro bono if you will donate the OR and all the equipment... Richard: I'm sorry, Grey. My pro bono slate is full. There are protocols to be followed, all sorts ..of red tape. (Ryan enters) Ryan: Trick or treat. Meredith: Get it? He's trick-or-treating...for ears. Richard: Grey... Meredith: You know, my mother, she was big on pro bono surgeries. Richard: OR 2 is free at 6:00 P.M. Meredith: Thank you. (Lexie, George and Izzie are in the ambulance bay) Lexie: If you two need to talk, I could wait over there. Izzie: Why? It's not like we have any secrets anymore. Callie told everyone. Everyone. George: Yeah, it's gonna be a long day. Ray: Erin Shandley, 34, massive head trauma when a brick came through her windshield. GCS of 3 in the field. George: A brick came through her windshield? Ray: Damn kids were screwing around on a bridge, Halloween crap. Izzie: I'm looking at brain matter here. Ray: I checked. She's a donor. Lexie: Oh, my god. Izzie: What? George: Her father's on three. He's waiting for a new heart. (Bailey is in the ER with a fingerless patient) Man: It was awesome. It was the sickest pumpkin head you ever saw. And then the next thing you know, it's, like, blood gushing, and it totally stained my pumpkin head. Bailey: You don't say? Man: Made it even sicker, though. I brought it in...the digit. Bailey: Oh, you have the finger? Man: Yeah, but it's, like, lodged in the chain saw. (He looks down) Man: Wait. It was right here. Who took my saw? Bailey: What...sir, the cut isn't clean enough to consider re... Man: Yo, who took my saw? (They hear the saw starting) Bailey: Oh...oh, no. Cristina: What is that noise? Norman: I have no idea. (They open the curtain to find James attempting to cut his leg off with the chainsaw) James: Aah! Aah! Man: Sick! (Mark and Callie are in James' surgery) Mark: The tibial nerve is shot. There's nothing salvageable here. Callie: Completely mangled. I can't believe he held that saw to his leg long enough...was he high? Bailey: No, I just gave him some morphine for the pain, but the tox screen was clean before that. Callie: Unbelievable. All right, I'll finish the job. Yang, go ahead and prep him for complete amputation. James: Thank you. Thank you so much. (Norman looks sick) Bailey: Hey, you okay? Norman: Oh, severed limbs don't sit well with me. Just a little queasy is all. But I'm fine. I'll help Dr. Yang. Bailey: Okay. (Mark and Callie are talking) Mark: Gotta love Halloween...when all the crazies come out to play. Callie: Mmm, I kind of get it. I mean, I get that you can wake up one day, and your life doesn't feel like your own. Mark: I heard...about your marriage. And if there's anything you need me to do to cheer you up, I'm around, day or night...night in particular. Callie: I was married. I said "till death do us part," okay? In a church. I mean, it was the church of Elvis, but still it was a church. I just...I can't believe this is my life. (Richard and Izzie are in Jack's room telling him about Erin) Jack: I don't understand. How did this happen? How could this happen? Izzie: Injuries like these happen very quickly. She probably didn't feel any pain at all. Richard: Mr. Shandley. According to Erin's driver's license...she was an organ donor. And as next of kin, if you agree to take her off of life support, you could direct the heart to yourself. She is young, she was healthy. She would be a perfect match for you, sir. Jack: Could you just please go away? Richard: Mr. Shandley, if you would just... Jack: Please, please go away. Please. Richard: Dr. O'Malley will bring you to see your daughter if you like. (Derek runs into Sydney in the hall) Sydney: Oh! Derek: Oh, so sorry. Excuse me. Oh, no, no. You okay? Sydney: No apology necessary. Derek: Okay. Sydney: I'm Sydney, by the way. Dr. Sydney Heron. General surgery. Big fan of your work. Yeah. Uh, we were seated together once at an M&M. Anyway, uh, now seems as good a time as any to make it official...our introduction. Derek: Ah, Derek Shepherd. Pleasure. It's, uh, it's very, very nice to meet you. Nice meeting you, too. (Meredith and Ryan have been watching this exchange) Meredith: You think she's pretty? Ryan: Yeah, I like cheerful people. Meredith: I can be cheerful. Ryan: I think the ashes thing makes that kinda unlikely. (Meredith goes to find Bailey) Meredith: Dr. Bailey, we're gonna help, uh, rebuild a little boy's ears today, pro bono. And I thought maybe you could donate some time. Bailey: Uh, thanks to the fine, upstanding citizen who cut off his foot on my watch, I've got a mountain of paperwork. On top of that, I promised to try and get out here in time to see my son in his Halloween costume. Meredith: Is Tuck even old enough to know what Halloween is? Bailey: He's not, but his father is, and that's who I promised. (Ryan enters) Ryan: Trick or treat. Bailey: For ears? He's trick-or-treating for ears? Meredith: Yeah. Could you also persuade some of the surgical nurses to help out? They seem to really like you. Ryan: Trick or treat. Bailey: Uh, stop that. All right, I'm in. (Jack is visiting with Erin) Jack: She's warm. It doesn't make sense. Derek: I'm sorry. She's breathing with the help of machines. Erin... the person that you knew... isn't there anymore. Jack: Uh...would you bring the paperwork? You can have her...have her...her organs. That's what she wanted. George: And her heart? Jack: Give it to someone else. (Meredith and Cristina are in the lunch room) Cristina: We could scatter her off the roof. Meredith: She was afraid of heights. Cristina: They're ashes, Meredith. The ashes aren't acrophobic. Meredith: I need to put my mother to rest. I need to not become her. I need to not die emotionally crippled and alone. And I need to not attend the wedding of Derek Shepherd and Sydney Heron. I need to put my mother to rest. Cristina: Sydney heron? (Izzie and George join them. There is an awkward silence) Izzie: Just ask. Meredith: So you two are together? George: Yeah. Meredith: Like "together" together, in love together? Sexy love, not sibling love? Izzie: Yes. Yeah. We're together. Meredith: And...you two have been...I mean, without any of us knowing...doing this the whole time? Izzie: Just once. George: Iz. Izzie: I said she could ask questions. Just once. And now we're waiting to...be together...out of respect. George: For Callie's feelings. (Cristina scoffs then walks away) Meredith: She's not judging. Izzie: Right. Meredith: I have an earless boy waiting for me...but...I'm happy for you guys. (Alex and Ava are in the on-call room when Alex's pager goes off) Alex: Norman. Ava: Do you have to go? Alex: No. Norman can get by for a few more minutes without me. How are you? I mean, how have you been? Ava: I'm in love with my daughter. She's perfect. She's...I mean, she sucks on her fingers. It's her new thing. And she makes, like, this perfect little cartoon suckling sound. Alex: And your husband? Ava: My husband's in love with my daughter, too. You look tired. Alex: I haven't been sleeping much. Ava: I haven't been sleeping much either. The baby wakes up all the time. Not as much now that I figured out that if wrap her in whatever shirt I'm wearing... Alex: She smells you. Ava: Yeah and she sleeps. Alex...what are we doing? I mean, what are... what are we gonna do? (Alex falls asleep) (Erica and Richard are at the nurse's station) Richard: Dr. Hahn. Thank you for coming at such short notice. Erica: Oh, not a problem. Are we harvesting the heart for UNOS or is the recipient here? Richard: I'm hoping the recipient is here, but he hasn't agreed yet. Erica: I've never had much trouble talking a heart patient into taking a heart. Richard: It's his daughter's heart. Erica: Okay. (Izzie and Cristina walk by) Cristina: Get him to OR two and page Torres. Nurse: Okay. Izzie: Where are you going? (Richard and Erica are still talking) Richard: His daughter was in an auto accident. (Cristina and Izzie are approaching) Cristina: Hey, uh, what's Hahn doing here? Richard: She's been declared brain dead... Izzie: Heart transplant. Don't even think about it. It's my patient. Cristina: Dr. Hahn, I understand you're doing a heart transplant today, and I thought I'd volunteer to scrub in. Izzie: Isobel Stevens. She's my patient, the donor. So if you need any information, I have it, all of it. She's...she's my patient. Erica: You've got some eager junior residents around here. Richard: Mm, lucky me. Take your pick. Erica: Well, Yang, I appreciate the offer, but I date men. So I don't think you'll be able to impress me the way you've impressed your mentors in the past. Cristina: I...what? Erica: You sleep with them, right? Preston Burke, Colin Marlowe... that's your thing. Cristina: It's my...it's... I'm...I'm sorry. What does that have to do with anything? Erica: My theory is if you had the chops in the OR you wouldn't need to try to impress in the bedroom. Stevens, is it? Izzie: It is. Erica: Let's go, Stevens. (Cristina and Norman are in the hall) Cristina: You know, I bust my ass here, and Burke skips town with my cardio reputation. So now instead of a heart transplant, oh, I get to participate in the amputation of a crazy man's foot. James: I'm not... crazy. Cristina: Cutting off your foot is crazy. James: Walking through your life like you have no power, like you have no say... no say in your own destiny...like you have no control over your own body, walking through life like that is what's crazy. Norman: I still think it's cutting off your foot with a chain saw that's crazy. [SCENE_BREAK] (Erica is in Jack's room) Erica: Mr. Shandley, I'm Dr. Hahn. The transplant team is in place if you're ready to say good-bye. Jack: You must not have children. Erica: I'm sorry? Jack: If you had children, you'd never say that. You'd never say, "if you're ready to say good-bye. Erica: Mr. Shandley, I'm very sorry, but I want to suggest one last time... Jack: No, I am not taking her heart. I can't have my daughter's heart beating in my chest. It would haunt me every day of my life. No! Erica: All right. I'm very sorry for your loss. Page me when he's ready. (Erica leaves) George: Mr. Shandley... I don't have kids, so I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but I do know what it's like to lose a parent. Your daughter loved you. I saw her this morning. She was fighting for you. She was fighting for your life. You're her dad. You're her dad. She didn't want to leave you. I know that. I also know that she would want you to have her heart. I would've given my dad my heart if I could. If I could've saved him...I would've given him my heart. Jack: All right. (Izzie and Cristina are in the stairwell) Izzie: It's not my fault Hahn chose me. Cristina: Whatever. Izzie: I can't believe that you are judging me. That after what Hahn said to you, that you are judging me. Cristina: It's not the same thing. Izzie: It is the same thing. It's exactly the same thing. I'm sorry that I hurt Callie. I didn't mean to hurt her. Cristina: You slept with her husband. I slept with my boyfriend. It's not the same thing. Izzie: Meredith slept with another woman's husband. Meredith slept with another woman's husband. The two of you are like this closed circle. You can commit whatever crime you want, and in your little circle, it's all fine. I...I know that you didn't sleep with Burke to get ahead. And if Hahn had asked me, I would've defended you. I'm not even asking you to defend me. I'm asking you to just cut me an inch of slack. And believe me when I say that I am sorry I hurt Callie. Cristina: We are not a closed circle. Izzie: You are. (Derek is walking through the hall, he gets checked out by a nurse and then runs into Sydney in the hall) Sydney: Dr. Shepherd. Derek: Yes. Sydney: Here's a question... were there actual shepherds in your lineage? Derek: I'm sorry. What? Sydney: You know, shepherds. The ones who watch over sheep. I mean the genealogy My name for example, not actually after the bird (Derek looks up and sees Mark smiling nearby) Derek: You know, I...I'm sorry. Would you excuse me? Sydney: Of course. Derek: Okay, thank you. (To Mark) Yeah, you did this. Mark: Payback's a bitch. Derek: Oh, man. What the hell did you tell her? Mark: I put the word out that you were lookin'. Derek: That I'm looking? Mark: Lookin'. It sounds way dirtier without the G." Derek: And you wonder why they formed a club? Mark: You heard about that? (Meredith and Ryan are in the hall) Meredith: Okay, so we have one plastic surgeon, a general surgeon, an anesthesiologist, one, two, three scrub nurses and an OR. Let's call your mom, kid. You're gonna get some ears. (James' surgery) Callie: He cut off his foot. He cut off his perfectly good foot. Norman: Well, people do some very strange things. Callie: Oh, well. I had the world's shortest marriage. Cristina: I was left in a church while I was literally wearing a wedding dress. Callie: George cheated on me right in front of me, and I missed it. Cristina: Burke sent his mother to say good-bye to me. Callie: I'm gonna be a divorcé. Cristina: Now Erica Hahn thinks I'm a fraud. Norman: I'm, uh, I'm not feeling very... (Norman faints) Cristina: Norman! Callie: Norman? (Alex's pager goes off.) Alex: Oh, crap. Ava: What? Alex: My intern, something happened. I don't know what. Ava: We need to talk. Alex: Well, we will. I'll come back. Okay? Ava: Okay. Don't chicken out. (Mark and Meredith are in the scrub room) Mark: You know, I'm impressed. I didn't think you'd pull this off. Meredith: I'm actually pretty surprised myself, considering it was my first time trick-or-treating. Mark: Your first time? Meredith: My mom never made it home in time to take me, never got it together to make me a costume. Plus she said it was rude to knock on people's doors and beg for food. (Mark stops and stares at Meredith) Meredith: What? Mark: Just...the apple fell pretty far from the tree, huh? (Alex runs into the OR) Derek: Dr. Karev, you want to slow down? Alex: I just heard. Did he have a stroke? Derek: He did. 3 inches to the left, he'd never talk again. Alex: Yeah, but it's gonna be okay, right? Derek: No way to know till we get the clot out and he wakes up. Alex: But he...but he's gonna be okay... Derek: Karev, stop talking. (Jack's transplant surgery) Lexie: Is your marriage really over? George: Yeah. Lexie: I'm sorry. George: Thanks. Lexie: Did Meredith really bring her mom's ashes to work? (Ava is pacing the on-call room waiting for Alex to come back) (Alex is in Norman's surgery) (Meredith and Mark are in Ryan's surgery) Meredith: Look at that. Mark: Not a bad day's work. (Jack's transplant) Erica: Paddles. Let's see what we've got. There it is. George: There it is. (Alex is in Norman's surgery) Alex: Norman, Norman, come on, come on, come on. Norman: What happened? (Lexie and Meredith are in the hallway) Lexie: I just saw a heart transplant. Meredith: I just helped build a little boy some ears. Lexie: That's cool. I dug up my mom's cat. Meredith: What? Lexie: My mom didn't leave any instructions 'cause it was so...unexpected. So...we had to figure out on our own what she would have wanted. And my mom loved that cat. So...I dug her up... the cat...um, from her little grave in our backyard. And I snuck into the cemetery in the middle of the night and reburied her right beside my mom. And...it was creepy and morbid, carrying around a dead, decaying cat in the cemetery in the middle of the night, but...it made my mom really happy. At least...I like to think it did. Meredith: Thanks. Lexie: You're welcome. (Bailey is in the ambulance bay on the phone) Bailey: Look, Tucker, I said I'm sorry. No. I didn't...no, I...Tucker...perfect. (George walks out) George: Hi. We just put a man's daughter's heart in his chest. Bailey: His daughter's heart? Well, that just makes you want to throw up, now doesn't it? You all right? George: You're Dr. Bailey. You hear everything. And if you haven't heard everything, I'm sure you've heard. Bailey: About your marriage? Yeah, I probably would've. George: I'm sorry...if I...disappointed you. Bailey: I'm not your mother, O'Malley. George: I have to apologize to her now, too. Bailey: O'Malley...look, you're not a bad guy. And I don't mean to let you off the hook entirely, because what you did was unkind and hurtful and wrong. But you're not a bad guy. I'm...I'm just saying, it...it takes two. To reach the point you reached in your marriage, it takes two. I mean...I mean, I'm here late at night, Halloween, helping an earless boy get ears, and my husband wants to act like that isn't an important thing. He wants to act like...it isn't a good thing that I did today. Now that isn't just on me. That's him wanting things to be the way he wants. That's him wanting things to be purely black-and-white. I mean, I missed my son's first Halloween, and my heart is aching inside of my chest, but, you know, that doesn't mean anything. It...it doesn't count because in a black-and-white world, I simply didn't make it home, and that makes me the bad guy. You know, always. I'm always the bad guy. You hear what I'm saying? George: Sorry you missed your son's first Halloween. Bailey: Look, what I'm saying to you is...okay, I was there. All right? I was there the day your father died. I was there when you came back from Vegas, married after a week and...all I'm saying is...it's not black-and-white...and you're not a bad guy. (Cristina walks up to Erica Hahn) Cristina: I did not sleep my way to the top. I'm attracted to a talent that resembles my own, not that it's any of your business. Your comments were unprofessional and inappropriate. You know what? You're inappropriate and unprofessional. Erica: This is gonna be so much fun. (Richard walks up) Richard: Dr. Yang, did you hear? Dr. Hahn has agreed to become our new head of cardio-thoracic surgery. Erica: Lookin' forward to it, Dr. Yang. (Erica leaves) Cristina: You can't have my apartment. (Alex is in Norman's room) Alex: I'm...sorry I didn't listen when you said you weren't feeling well. I'm sorry I didn't answer your page. Norman: Do you know why I chose surgery? Alex: No. Norman: I'm a little south of 60 and blood makes me squeamish. See, I wanted to go into psych because I like to talk. Alex: I've noticed that. Norman: But I had this voice in my head telling me to choose surgery. It was as if... my Mary Beth was whispering in my ear. And so I listened. And do you know what I think now? Alex: No. Norman: I think I was about to have a massive stroke...and my Mary Beth wanted me to be surrounded by... world-class surgeons when it happened. Alex: So what are you gonna do now? Norman: Uh, well, I'm gonna go into psych. Because you people, you surgeons, my god...you're all just a bunch of little children running around with your scalpels and your severed feet and your inappropriate s*x in inappropriate places. You all need a good shrink. (Meredith is in Ryan's room) Ryan: Dr. Grey? Meredith: Hi. Ryan: I had a goldfish, and when he died, we flushed him down the toilet, back to the sea. Meredith: Okay. Ryan: Back to the sea is better than your cubby. (Derek walks past Richard) Derek: You okay? Richard: I don't know if I can handle one more night in that hotel. What's the matter with you? Derek: I have to start dating. MVO: It isn't just surgeons. (Alex enters the on-call room. Ava is gone but her sweater is there) MVO: The truth is, I don't know anyone who isn't haunted by something...or someone. And whether we try to slice the pain away with a scalpel or shove it in the back of a closet, our efforts usually fail. (George and Izzie are on a bench outside) Izzie: We made it through this day. George: Yeah, we did. We made it through this day. MVO: So the only way we can clear out the cobwebs is to turn a new page... (Callie and Cristina are in her apartment) Cristina: Uh, so it's the kitchen, uh, bedroom, bathroom. There's the sofa. You can sleep here. Callie: Great. So, uh...do you mind if I clean up a little? Cristina: Yes. I mind a lot. MVO: Or put an old story to rest... (Meredith is in the scrub room washing her moms ashes down the drain) Richard: Grey. Meredith: Chief. Richard: What are you doing, Grey? This is a sterile environment. Meredith: It's my mother. And I think this is where she'd want to be. (Richard grabs some of the ashes and helps her) Richard: Should we say a prayer? Meredith: She didn't believe in anything. MVO: Finally, finally to rest. Richard: Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.

Plan: A: A nightmare; Q: What brings Meredith to remove her mother's ashes from her closet? A: an operating theatre sink; Q: Where does Meredith put her mother's ashes? A: a little boy; Q: Who does Meredith form an alliance with? A: the ears; Q: What does the little boy need? A: a stroke; Q: What does Norman suffer? A: A busy day; Q: What kind of day is it in the ER? A: ER; Q: What department is the man with the chainsaw in? A: a jack-o-lantern competition; Q: What is the man trying to remove his foot from? A: a difficult decision; Q: What does a heart transplant patient have to face? A: his daughter; Q: Who is in an accident and rendered brain dead? A: her heart; Q: What becomes available to a heart transplant patient? A: Rebecca; Q: Who seeks out Alex? A: Erica Hahn; Q: Who is invited to perform a heart transplant? A: a heart transplant; Q: What type of surgery does Erica Hahn perform? A: clashes; Q: What does Erica Hahn do with Cristina? A: Callie; Q: Who reveals George's affair with Izzie to the hospital? A: their failed relationships; Q: What do Callie and Cristina bond over? Summary: A nightmare brings Meredith to remove her mother's ashes from her closet. She ends up putting her mother at rest in an operating theatre sink. Meredith also forms an alliance with a little boy to grant him the ears he needs via pro-bono surgery. Alex ignores Norman feeling unwell, which culminates with Norman suffering a stroke. A busy day in the ER results in a man who is convinced that his foot doesn't belong to him trying to remove it with a chainsaw from a jack-o-lantern competition. A heart transplant patient has to face a difficult decision when his daughter is in an accident and rendered brain dead, meaning that her heart has become available to him. Rebecca seeks out Alex. Erica Hahn is invited to perform a heart transplant, and clashes with Cristina. Callie reveals George's affair with Izzie to the hospital. Callie and Cristina bond over their failed relationships, prompting Cristina to invite Callie to move in.

Dwight: The documentary series finished airing ages ago. Why is PBS sending another crew? Camera Man: We're getting bonus footage for the DVD. Dwight: pff, Nobody buys DVDs anymore. Camera Man: It'll be a pledge gift. Dwight: PBS. The propaganda wing of Bill and Melinda Gates and viewers like you. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: In the past year, I have consolidated the entire Scranton paper market. We regained the white pages, the school district, Lackawanna county. We supply them all. I'm getting married tomorrow afternoon, and in the morning, there's a mini-reunion. A kind of a "where are they now" panel at a local theatre. It'll be nice to see everyone again. [laughs] I haven't seen Kevin since we let him go. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [mimicking trumpet] Today marks several important milestones. Stanley, as you know, is retiring. Kevin: Yes! Whoo, whoo, whoo! Stanley: Ah, I've been looking forward to this day since I was 18 years old. Meredith: Speech! Dwight: No! And our next and most thickly frosted cake is...for...Kevin. Kevin: Yes! Wait, why? Dwight: Go ahead and just read the frosting. Kevin: "Get out." Dwight: Uh-huh. Kevin: What does that mean? Dwight: It's a colloquial way of saying "you're fired," Kevin, which you are. Pam: What? Dwight, you can't do that. Dwight: The cake has spoken Pam. Sorry. All: What?! Dwight: Well if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying. All: Dwight...[overlapping objections] Dwight: Based...on his merit. Oscar: Ooh. Jim: Umm.... Kevin: I'm...good. Pam: Well, Toby will stop it. Anytime anyone's ever been fired, Toby's blocked it, so... Toby: Yeah. Yeah, I don't think... Dwight: Toby, wait. Wait. Hold that thought. Here's your cake. [squirts frosting on the top] Bye, bye Toby. Kevin: [crying] At least I got chocolate. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I bike to work now. Saves on gas, cheaper than a vasectomy and, uh, oh, yeah, it's good for the environment too. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Pam and I are great. She just recently finished her mural for the Irish cultural center. [SCENE_BREAK] Crowd: Whoo! Yeah Jim: [to Cici] Can you clap! Can you clap for mom? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: And Dwight is imitating Japanese business practices for reasons he explained to us in Japanese. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [whispering] Angela, are you ready for the wedding? Angela: [whispering] Yes. My heart is so open, I am so at peace. [scoffs] Look at Meredith. She's disgusting. Those feet. They're like the paws of an orangutan. Pam: I think she looks good. Now that she's wearing sports bras, we don't see her boobs as much. Dwight: That is all. Have a good morning. Meredith: Thank you. Dwight: [after Angela kisses Dwight] What was that for? Angela: [laughing] To remind you that our wedding's gonna be wonderful. Dwight: Ah. I know. It just feels so empty with so many of the old gang gone. Angela: D, it's gonna be perfect. The only people that need to be there are you and me. Dwight: Oh, and the old man to feed us the cheese that he's been fermenting since the day of my birth. You keep forgetting about him. Angela: I don't...I don't know why. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I brought in some new faces, and one old. I always like Devon. I hired him back after Creed faked his own death in the baler the day after the doc aired. The only person he fooled was Kevin. Then the police showed up. Turns out, Creed was in the band "The Grass Roots" in the 1960's. During that time, the police say he sold drugs and trafficked in endangered species meat and stole weapons-grade LSD from the military. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Oh, some fudge? Malcolm: Oh, thanks. I love your fudge. Phyllis: Thanks. Malcolm: I think I gained a couple of pounds since I got here. Phyllis: [laughing] Oh, you can afford it. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: After 16 years, it's strange sitting across from somebody who isn't Stanley. But...he'll get there. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Okay, the limo's gonna be here at five. I need everybody to be ready 'cause I want to pack in a lot. Zeke: Party time! Whorehouse! Jim: Uh, no. No whorehouse. This is Dwight's night, okay? Zeke: Well, you're the bestisch mensch. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight has made me his bestisch mensch. Which is Schrute for best man. He's putting himself entirely in my hands tonight. And I know for over 12 years I've done nothing but trick and prank him but tonight...only good surprises. "Guten Pranken". [chuckles] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Oh hey, Jim. I forgot to mention. Oftentimes, in Hollywood portrayals of bachelor parties, there are accidental murders. That won't be necessary tonight. Clark: Great, now we got three hours to fill. Jim: Okay, hold on. Are you sure Mose isn't going to show up? Dwight: Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had to stop sleeping at the foot of my bed, he's been acting pretty weird about this whole wedding thing. Jim: Mose has been weird? That's so unlike him. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Yeah, sure, I'll talk about it. Why not? American's next A Cappella Sensation aired my audition. And when I started sobbing uncontrollably, apparently that struck a chord with quite a lot of people. Not a very compassionate chord. The clip went viral, as they say [SCENE_BREAK] [on computer] Casey Dean: You can't just sit here and cry. Andy: Oh, I can so just sit here and cry! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Two million hits in the first week and then the parodies started. One from the Philippines got 12 million hits. And the late night comedy guys had a field day with it. [SCENE_BREAK] [SNL Weekend Update] Bill Hader: [fake crying] Seth Mayers: Oh, Don't. Aw, come on, Baby Wawa. Don't be such a baby. Bill Hader: [crying and pouring eye drops in his eyes] Seth Mayers: Oh, No. It's gonna be alright. Bill Hader: [pulling multiple tissues out] Seth Mayers: It's gonna be all right. For Weekend Update I'm Seth Meyers. That's Baby Wawa. Good night. Bill Hader: [still crying] Bye! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: After my clip blew up, I actually got a call from the double rainbow guy and the fat Star Wars kid. Turns out they have a support group. [pause] Not really my scene. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [on the phone] Years ago, the senator promised a left turn lane by the Arby's. So I wanna know where in the name of horsey sauce is it? Well, yeah, you...hold on. Dakota: Hi. I keep seeing this symbol in the accounts from last year. It's..it's all over the place. I don't know what it means. Oscar: That's the reason Kevin got fired. It's his magic number. He used to use it to balance his accounts. He used to call it a Keleven. He told Dwight, [imitating Kevin] "A mistake plus Keleven gets you home by seven." He was home by 4:45 that day. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Oh, I live in Poland now. The Scranton of the E.U. Thank you for flying me out here for the weekend. I'm looking forward to the reunion panel tomorrow. Can't wait to see everyone. Well, almost everyone. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Hello! [laughing] Hello! Nellie: Oh. Toby: Hi! [goes to hug Nellie] Nellie: No. Toby: Oh. [laughs nervously] Nellie: How did you now my plane had arrived? How long have you been stalking me? Toby: Oh, no, no. no. My plane just got in. From New York. Are you still with Piotr? Nellie: No. And I thought I unfriended you. Toby: Anyone can follow a Twitter feed. Wanna share a cab? [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [alone in cab} After Dwight fired me, I moved to New York to write the great American novel. I have six roommates. Heh. Which are better than friends, you know 'cause they have to give you one month's notice before they leave. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey-OH! Meredith: Andy? Oscar: You're back? Andy: Yeah. Malcolm: [whispering to Phyllis] That's Baby Wawa, right? Oh, my God! Jim: Hey man, good to see you. Andy: Thank you. Yeah, Phyllis: [hugging Andy]. Andy... Andy: Hey! Aw! A bear hug from my favorite mama grizzly. Phyllis: Andy, I've been worried about you. How are you? Andy: A little warm. Phyllis: Poor, poor Andy. Andy: [struggling] Okay. Aw. Thank you Phyllis. Darryl: Hello, hello. Jim: Hey! Meredith: Darryl! Andy: Hey! Darryl: Hey, what's up? Andy: Didn't I just see you at the airport jumping in a limo? Darryl: What? Must've been another devilishly handsome debonair individual. Andy: Hmm. Darryl: Hey, man. How are you doing? I, um...I didn't call 'cause I figured you changed the number. Andy: No I didn't change the number. All good though. Phone never rings. Dwight: What? Ooh! Andy: Surprise! Dwight: I thought you guys couldn't come. Darryl: Yeah, but then they moved the panel to the same weekend and the Doc crew paid to fly us in. It was kismet. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Kismet? Yeah, right. Pam and I came up with excuses for every other weekend. You remember my two lap band surgeries, right? Neither do I? "Guten Prank" number one. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: You ready for tonight? We gonna tear up the town? Dwight: Uh, better ask Jim. Jim: And Jim will say nothing. Pam: [enters] Darryl! Andy! Andy: Hey! Pam! Darryl: Hey, Pam! How are you? Pam: We're fine. Yeah. [hugs both Darryl and Andy] And I'm sure that you guys are fine too. Because why wouldn't you be? Andy: Mm-hmm. Pam: Darryl, oh, my gosh. How is Austin? Tell me everything. How's the merger? I feel like I read about Athlead all the time. Darryl: I love it. And it's Athleap now. And the city is amazing. Jim: Yeah? Darryl: Yeah. Yeah, it's hot. The music is awesome. And the tacos are...for real. Jim: Wow! That sounds incredible. [checking cell phone]. Oh, guys. Limo's here. Let's do this. Change if you need to. Oscar: Whoo, whoo, whoo. Pam: Okay, you guys, have fun. You too, Andy. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Yeah! Andy: Aw! Darryl: Woah-Oh! Haven't been in one of these in forever. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: They wanted me to go to the bachelorette party with the girls. Really? Such a cliché. I'm a man. So I'm going to the bachelor party with the boys. I just have to remember how I acted before I came out. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: WASSUUUUP! [laughing] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Wait, why are we stopping? Jim, this isn't on the itinerary. Jim: Get out. Dwight: Jim...wha... Come on! What...what are you gonna whack me, Jim? Jim: No, Dwight. You'll be doing the whacking. Dwight: A bazooka. You remembered. Jim: Of course I did. Dwight: [tearful laugh]. Get out of my way. [SCENE_BREAK] All: OH! [all laugh and applaud after Dwight fires the bazooka] Dwight: Woo! Okay! Jim: Yeah! [to camera] Guten Prank number two. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Private Room. Oscar: Yeah, brosef. Dwight: Amazing. Jim: Enjoy, enjoy. Guy: Hey, I know you. Are you gonna sit here and cry? Jim: Okay, man, easy. Guy: [fake cries] Jim: Hey, dude, leave him alone. What are you doing? Andy: Jim, it's fine. He'll just get you on his cell phone and then that'll go viral. Darryl: That happens a lot? Andy: Yeah, I guess. But things are going well actually. I spoke at Cornell during commencement week. I mean, the seniors invited me as a joke but it was a huge success. Oscar: Well, I bet it was a smash. Andy: That's how I got my new job in the admissions office. Oscar: Is that a volunteer program or... Andy: No. It's a job. Things are going great. Darryl: Let's get a drink in you, huh? Andy: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Whoo-hoo. Let's get this party started! Rachel: Where's my angel. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: This is my big sister Rachel. Rachel: No, this is my big sister Angela. Angela: [laughs] We're very close. We even have our own special language. [SCENE_BREAK] Rachel: [speaks in a special language] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: People love it. Rachel: They do. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [sighs] Man, how long have we been sitting here? Stripper: Hi, boys! All: Ohh... Clark: Here we go! Dwight: Oh, Thank God. We are famished! Stripper: Hey, did somebody order the chef special? Darryl: Right there. Dwight: No, we haven't ordered anything. No one's even taken our drinks. Uh, what is the chef special? [music plays and stripper starts dancing on Dwight] Stripper: I bet you boys have a big appetite. Dwight: Oh, we do. So we'll have an onion loaf for the table, please. And tell us about your heartiest soups. Stripper: Mm, I know what you want. I know exactly what you want. Dwight: Yes, an onion loaf for the table but that's not all. Now the chef special sounded good. What is it exactly? Stripper: Ohh, shh. [places finger over Dwight's lips] Dwight: Okay, what are you doing? Are you giving me a taste of the chef's special? Tastes like cigarettes. That won't work. That's no good. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Whoo! Angela: What? [knock at the door] Okay. Pam: Oh, boy. Erin: Oh! Jakey: Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed or cleaned or whatever. Phyllis: Angela's special repairman is here. Angela: Wait, what is this? Meredith: Shut up. Jakey? Jakey: Mom? Pam: Wait, wait. What? Jakey: Oh, man. Meredith: No, no, no, no. Just do your wok. Pretend mom's not here. Pam: Uh, that seems inappropriate. Meredith: Give the good show, my little entrepreneur. Jakey: Okay. Meredith: Take it off. [music play]. Yeah! Good song choice, Jakey. Stripper's only as good as his song. Rachel: oh, wowee wow. Angela: Okay... Pam: Whoo-hoo...go, Meredith's stripper son. Angela: Rachel, are you all right? Rachel: I don't know! I don't know. Angela: Oh geeze. [Jakey starts dancing on Angela]. Oh, my God! Meredith: Be gentle Jakey. Gentle. One second. Just one second. Look. [pushes Jakey aside and starts dancing on Angela] Angela: Okay, if anything, this is rougher. Stop it Meredith. Meredith: Fine. My bad. Go ahead Jakey. Angela: [Jakey resumes dancing] Uh, no. It's o...thank you. You know what? You don't have to...oh no, no, no. No, no, no. It's okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Now, for the last time, I'd like a side salad with balsamic. Clark: Dwight, for the last time, she's not a waitress. Dwight: You're telling me! Oscar: If you want her to leave, just tip her. Dwight: What for? We haven't even gotten bread yet. Does anyone wanna split a twice baked potato? [to the dancing stripper] Do you have those? Those aren't deep fried, right? [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: That was interesting. [creaking sound] What was that? Phyllis: It's just the wind. Angela: Will you lock the door? Phyllis: Okay. [opens door] It's just the wind, see? Nothing. Angela: Alright, see, you don't have to leave the door wide open. We get it. It's the wind. Just come and shut...[Mose grabs Angela and takes her away] OH! My God! All: [screams] Erin: Phyllis! Rachel: What's happening? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Oh, man, never thought I'd say this but I think I ate too much bone marrow. [phone rings] Jim: Oh, it's the girls. Hey Pam. What? Angela's been kidnapped! Phyllis left the door open and some freak came and grabbed her and fled. Dwight: Good old Mose. [laughing] Jim: They think it was Mose. Dwight: Oh, great. He's getting into the spirit of the festivities. Fantastic. He just pulled off a Braut Entfuhrung. Oscar: What is that? Dwight: A ceremonial bridal kidnapping. He will take the bride and hide her at a local pub and when I find the place, I have to buy everyone drinks. Ah, all right! Oh Mose. Jim: Wait a minute. You said the tradition is for the groom is search for her and it ends at a pub. So how about the last pub you'd ever set foot in in this town? Dwight: Right. Which one is that? Jim: Mm, hey driver. Why don't you take us to 3030 Adams? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Is that Mose? Dwight: Yes, it is! I am here for my bride! Mose: Well, first, buy us a drink. All: If you want your bride, buy us a drink! If you want your bride, buy us a drink. Dwight: Very well! Drinks on me! Bartender! [Kevin turns around] Oh. Kevin: Well, well, well, well, well, well. That's six "wells." Did I get that number right, Dwight? Dwight: I heard you bought a bar, Kevin. Kevin: Yes. I did. This one. Now get out! Dwight: [to Mose] Why did you pick this place? [Mose points to Jim] Jim: Ooh. Dwight: You? You did this as a prank. My own Bestich Mensch. Jim: Nope, not a prank. I think it's time for you to bury the hatchet. Dwight: Waste of a good hatchet. Jim: Okay, just talk. Kevin: Well, w... Dwight: I heard you say "well" the first time. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I know Dwight misses Kevin. I saw him make his portrait out of a Wooly Willy. Tomorrow's his wedding day. You can't be anything but happy on your wedding day. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: It was nothing personal. It's just that you were terrible at your job. Kevin: You're just saying that to make me feel better. Dwight: No really. You were terrible at math and organization, time management, personal hygiene. Your internet searches were so filthy we had to throw our your computer. Kevin: Is that all it was? Dwight: That's it. Kevin: Come here [hugs Dwight] Dwight: I missed you Kevin. Kevin: I missed you! Dwight: Ohh. [SCENE_BREAK] Mose: Guten Prank. Jim: Yes, Mose. Guten Prank number three. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: You've had your drink. Now where is my bride? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Mose! What..ooh, Mose. [Mose opens trunk] Angela: What the [bleep] is your problem you [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]?! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey. Hey, is Angela coming or... Dwight: No. We can't see each other on our wedding day. And her legs are still numb from being in the trunk. Jim: Right. Stanley: Hey guys. All: Stanley! Erin: How's Florida? Stanley: Oh, great. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Yes, I'm living in Florida now. Little town called Florida City, just on the edge of the everglades. The man who delivered my divorce papers came by fan boat which was kinda fun. I sit on my porch all day, carving birds. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Am I the only one that's nervous? How are you doing with this? Should we have bailed? Pam: No, no, I'm fine. Jim: Doesn't seem like anyone cares about us anyway. Stanley: I guess this was work being filmed nonstop for nine years. Andy: I'm sorry guys. This is probably on me. I got hated on pretty hard when that auto-tune went viral. [SCENE_BREAK] [video] Just sit here and cry, just sit here and cry! Oh I can so just sit here and cry. You guys are really mean. It can't end like this you know. Slept in my car last night, quit my job. Burned all my bridges. And I did unspeakable things - You're just not good, you're just not good. - Are you insane? - You're just not good, you're just not good. - Chill out! [crying] Just sit here and cry... [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [watching at his bar] People actually dance to this. It's in my juke box. None of the money goes to Andy though. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [laughing] Yeah, people hate you. Andy: I'll go talk to the manager. Maybe we should just go home. [walks down the hall] [SCENE_BREAK] Man: Hey! It's Andy Bernard! All: Nard Dog! [cheers and claps] Ree-De-De-De-Doo! [repeats] Andy: Ree-De-De-De-Doo! [SCENE_BREAK] Man 1: How did it feel to see your lives played out on tv? David Wallace: It's like seeing a documentary about how your food is made. It's kinda disgusting. You learn a lot, but I didn't wanna know any of it. Dwight: With today's modern surveillance technology we are in a constant state of being watched weather it's our government or the government of other countries a.k.a. Google. You guys are being filmed way more than we ever were. Pete: Uh, no one recognizes me. But not all my friends call me Plop. So... thanks PBS. [SCENE_BREAK] Woman 1: Uh, Jim, that DVD in the last episode was so romantic. And, um, I think we'd all love to know, Pam, what romantic thing did you do to pay Jim back for leaving Athlead? Pam: Well, I mean, How do you pay back someone for something like that? But, uh, I don't know. I'm working on something. Jim: She pays me back every day just by being my wife so that's fine. All: Awww. Jim: O-Kay. [SCENE_BREAK] Woman 2: All I can say is, if I had Jim, he would have a free pass to do anything. I mean if I lucked into that... he could do anything. Anything. Pam: [pause] I'm sorry. Is there a question? Woman 2: Uh, no. [SCENE_BREAK] Man 2: Pam, what was in that teapot letter? Pam: Oh, um, well, you know, I... I just... I just think I would rather keep that private. You know, if you'd been filmed for nine years of your life, there'd be some things that you just wanna keep to yourself. Man 2: I hear ya. What did it say? Moderator: We're gonna move on. Next question please. [SCENE_BREAK] Man 3: Do you find that your life feels pointless now that nobody's actually filming you anymore? Toby: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Woman 3: I wanna know how everyone felt they were portrayed. Was it accurate? Meredith: I got a beef with that. Um, for the first seven years, I was getting my PhD in School Psychology and they didn't show it. Yes, I was getting hammered but, hey, it was college. [SCENE_BREAK] Woman 4: I have a question for Jim and Pam. Everyone watching sees how much you love each other and how you're soul mates. So, Pam, how could you doubt that when Jim moved to Philadelphia? Jim: Um, you know what, I actually didn't handle that move, uh, very gracefully. From not communicating to being a little selfish. Pam: Listen, um... I was scared, you know? I loved what I had, and I didn't want to risk it. And I think that maybe I did doubt him a little too. Which was wrong because he's shown me time and again. But when the documentary started airing, people on the street told me that I had this fairy-tale romance. But there were a lot of times last year where it did not feel like a fairy tale. But then it got deeper, and it got stronger and now it's better than a fairy tale. It's like a long book that you never want to end. And you're fine with that because you just never, ever wanna leave it. Woman 4: Like Harry Potter. Pam: Yeah, like Harry Potter. [SCENE_BREAK] Joan: I have a question for Erin. Erin: Really? Joan: Yes. Um, the thing I found most compelling about the documentary was your search for your birth mother. Erin: Thank you. Joan: So my question is, um, do... don't you hate her? I mean, I would just imagine that you were so angry at her that you would hate her. Erin: Maybe sometimes. But not like "hate" hate. More just like, "Mom, I hate you!" And then she would say "go to your room, young lady." And I'd stamp my foot and run upstairs and I have a room, which is really cool. And then we'd just have dinner together. But I don't know. I'd have to meet her. Thanks. Joan: Erin... Erin: Yes? Joan: Um...Oh, Erin.. Erin: Yes? Is there a follow-up question? [realizes] Mom? [they hug] Ed: Erin... Same question but about your dad? [they hug] Moderator: Well, this feels like a good place to stop. Let's thank all of our wonderful panelists for being here on this wonderful panel today. [audience claps] Next week at the Scranton Cultural Center don't forget, Irish Step Dancing semifinals. Winning team to Mid-Atlantic. [applause and scattering cheers] [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Where's the, uh, basket for gifts? Usher: Right there, sir. Kevin: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Dakota: Hi, I'm Dakota. Creed: Jeff Bomondo. I sell ceramic tile out of Newark. Dakota: Nice. Creed: My wife's name is Kathryn. I can show you my social security card if it helps. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Uck, Look at all this mud. Can you imagine if I had worn my Jimmy Choos? I just saved you 600 bucks mister. Ravi: Thanks for helping out, sweetie. Ryan: Kelly, you're here. Kelly: Hey, Ryan! Ryan: Hey. Kelly: Whose baby is this? Oh, are, like, a nanny now? Ryan: No, this little guy is mine. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: So I was dating this girl, and one day, she went out to get a new charger for her e-cigarette. Never came back. Oldest story in the book. [baby squeals] [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Say "hi", Drake. Kelly: Drake is your baby's name? Ryan: Yeah. Kelly: That is an amazing name. I'm obsessed with Drake. His last album... it just touched me to pieces. Ryan: No Kelly, he's no named after a hip-hop artist from 2011. It's Drake, like a mix of Drew and Blake. Kelly: Cool. Well, he is so cute. Ravi, check out this cute baby. I'm obsessed with him. Ravi is a pediatrician and some of his patients are total uggos. Ravi: They're called premature, sweetie. It's good to see you again Ryan. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Let me help you us. Angela: Thanks. [knees buckle] Oh. Ouch. Pam: Oh, boy. Maybe your heels are too high. Angela: No, my heels aren't too high. It's because I spent three hours in a car trunk. Thanks for not locking the door when I asked you to, Phyllis. [sighs] Sorry Phyllis. You didn't know. As long as I can get to the altar. Phyllis: Oh, I'm gonna get you to that altar. You can take that to the bank. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You ready? Dwight: [chuckles] You kidding? I was born ready. [mimicking heavy metal guitars] Jim: Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Um... I don't know how to tell you this, but... we have a little bit of a problem. Dwight: Oh, no. What? Jim: The minister just told me that it's tradition for the Bestish Mensch to be older than the groom. Dwight: Oh, come on. I've never heard of such a thing. Jim: I haven't heard of it, obviously. But I'm out because I am significantly younger than you- Dwight: Not... significant is a big word... Jim: I think it's definitely... Well, okay. Either way... Dwight: I think you're only a teeny... Jim: Either way, Dwight... I can't be there for you. I'm sorry. Dwight: Jim. Jim: I just...really wish there was something I could do. [looks off] Dwight: [turns around] [whispering] Michael. I can't believe you came. Michael: That's what she said. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Best prank ever. [SCENE_BREAK] Minister: As it is traditional to the Schrutes, the lovers are standing in their own graves as a reminder that this is the only escape from what they are about to do. Nellie: [to Joan] See, I get what they are trying to do, but why are the graves so shallow? [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [reading] "Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is passed. The rain is over and gone. The time of singing has come and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. Let me see your face. Let me hear your voice for your voice is sweet and your face is comely. " [SCENE_BREAK] Minister: I now pronounce you man and wife. [everyone cheers] Release the doves! [doves do not move right away] Kelly: Oh. Kevin: That's not... Dwight: Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming. Now, please take your hay bales to the reception. They'll be used for seating. Complimentary hay hooks are placed alone the aisles. Just stab 'em on in there. [SCENE_BREAK] [After Dwight and Angela's dance] Dwight: Everybody! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [dancing with Pam. They kiss] See, now you don't owe me anything. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Ravi? Ravi? Drake has a bit of a rash. And he's hot. Ravi: Oh, no. Ryan: I was wondering could you maybe examine him for a second? Ravi: Oh, yeah, you're not feeling well little guy? Okay, sure. Should we go inside? Ryan: Actually, could you go inside? I'm feeling a little dehydrated. I could really use a little break, have some water. Ravi: Are you sure you don't wanna go in? Kelly: Ravi, just do it. That baby is burning up. Isn't this, like what you live for? Just go. Go. Ryan: Thank you Ravi. Thank you so much. This is great for me and for Drake. Thank you. Kelly: I don't know, Ryan. Baby Drake didn't look so good. Ryan: He'll be fine. I let me suck on a strawberry. He's allergic but he'll get over it fast. I had to talk to you. Kelly: You gave your baby an allergic reaction just to talk to me? [they kiss] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Michael has so many pictures of his kids he had to get two phones with two numbers and he pays two bills. Pam: [with Michael] Oh, my gosh, it's choreographed! Pam: He just so happy to have a family plan. [SCENE_BREAK] Ed: Where'd you learn to dance like that? Erin: I don't know. I've just always been really good at dancing. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [dancing with Pam] [sobbing] Pam: Is it me? Is it Nellie? Toby: [sobbing] It's everything. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: [dancing with Stanley] I missed you. Stanley: I missed you too. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Lots of people think that Stanley Hudson's a mean old grump. [laughs] But [crying] would a grump make this? It's me. It's me. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: I love you. Kelly: [laughing] I love you too. Ryan: We're gonna be together forever. Kelly: We're running off into the sunset. Ryan: I finally mastered commitment. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [to Oscar] What was that stuff? Ravi: Hey, has anyone seen Ryan... or Kelly? Kevin: Ooh! Yes. Uh, They left together a little while ago. Kelly was hoping that you would keep the baby so they can start a new life together. Ravi: Oh, that's it. Here. [hands Drake to Kevin] Call child services and report an abandoned baby. We'll find a better parent than Ryan in no time. Kevin: Oh, I don't know. Nellie: Um, Kevin? Oh, I can help you with that. Yeah. I mean, I can find someone who will... who will love that beautiful little boy the way he deserves. Kevin: Hey, this is better. [hands Drake to Nellie] Nellie: Yes. It is. Oh yes it is. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: If Ryan wants his baby back, please tell him where to fine me. We'll be somewhere in Europe. [looking at Drake] Won't we? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [crying] I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Thank you go much. Dwight: Good night. Toby: Good luck. Val: Great. It was really fun. Dwight: Good evening. Val: The Doc crew's throwing a big after party in the warehouse tonight. Darryl: Yeah, I heard. It sounds kinda lame. [to camera] No offense. You going, Toby? Toby: Oh, I don't know. I might turn in early. Andy: It's only 6:00. Come on, everybody's going. Meredith: You have to go, Toby. Pete: Yeah, come on, Tobes. Val: Come on. Toby: Yeah. I'll stop by. Pete: There he is! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I need to get out of this dress. Jim: I gotta get out of this dress. Carol Stills: Oh, I'm sorry Pam. Jim: What's going on? Pam: [sighs] [whispering] Why are you still here? Carol: [whispering] I'm so sorry. They were an hour late. Jim: No, really, what's going on? Pam: Okay, Okay. Um... so... this past year has been really great, and you've been great and I just... I know that you had to make this choice and you had to give something up for me. But I never want you to have to give up anything. I just thought if I could get us an offer then there wouldn't be anything standing in our way and I could come to you with this big Jim gesture... and show you all at once just how much I love you and how much I really do believe in your future. Jim: Sorry, how long have you been showing the house? Pam: About 2 months Jim: That's why it's so clean. Pam: Yeah. Jim: I mean, you were gonna do this without me? Pam: Well, you... you bought the house without telling me, so I thought I could sell it without telling you. Jim: Oh... okay. Where would we go? Pam: Austin? Maybe. Jim: I promise you, you don't have to do this for me. Pam: I'm doing it for us. Jim: The last... Buyer: Okay. We'll take it. Jim: [to the buyer] Hold on a second. [to Pam] The last few months have meant the world to me and all I care about... Pam: Hold on a second. [turning] Wait, what did you just say? Buyer: We wanna buy your house. Jim: You wanna do this? Pam: I wanna do this. Jim: You really want to do this? Pam: I really want to do this! Jim: [hugging Pam] [laughing] Oh my God! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, Darryl. [whispers in his ear] Darryl: What? All right! Pam: We're so excited. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Cool. Woman: Oh, that's for PBS executives only. Stanley: I had to pledge $50 to my local PBS station just to get this. [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: I think your ideas are fantastic, Oscar. I'd love to contribute to your campaign. Oscar: Thank you David. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Uh, could I please have your attention? So a year ago, I got my first art commission to paint a mural for Dunder Mifflin and I decided to paint the history of paper...,which was just some trees and stuff. And then someone spray painted a bunch of butts on it and I had to start from the beginning. But it all worked out for the best because I think that I've painted the perfect thing which is the history of us. All of us. And this is for you Jim. [applause] And go ahead! [drape drops and everyone cheers] Pam: Everyone, Let's take our picture in front of the mural. Oh, um, I just...I kind of meant just everybody from the office. [SCENE_BREAK] Photographer: [taking pictures] Very nice. Just a couple dozen more. Smiles, everybody, smiles. All right, that's great. I got enough. Thank you, everybody. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [whispering to Pam] Let's go outside Pam: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Okay, I need a drink. Kevin: Yeah, we all need a drink. [opening Meredith's drawer] What the...there's only dandelion tea and raisins in here. Meredith: Hey, bottom drawer. Kevin: Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, This is Pam. Oh, I'm sorry. Jim Halpert doesn't work here anymore. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I didn't watch the whole documentary. After a few episodes, it was too painful. I kept wanting to scream at Pam. It took me so long to do so many important things. It's just hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could have been. Jim was 5 feet from my desk and it took me four years to get to him. It'd be great if people saw this documentary and learned from my mistakes. Not that I'm a tragic person. I'm really happy now. But...it would just...just make my heart soar if someone out there saw this and she said to herself "be strong, trust yourself, love yourself. Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast, because life just isn't that long." [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole experience, it's that if you film anybody long enough, they're going to do something stupid. It's only human natural. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hey guys. Angela: Hi. All: Hey! Pam: What about the honeymoon? Angela: Oh, the honeymoon can wait till tomorrow. We wanted to hang out with you guys. I mean, when are we all going to be here together again? Dwight: Aww, J, P and D. The Three Amigos. Ah, it warms my heart. Hey, what do you say, when I get back from out honeymoon, the three of us have a conference room meeting just for fun? [pause] What is that meaningful look? Jim: You know what? Maybe we should talk. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Hey, come here. You guys need to see this. Kevin: What is it? Andy: [on the computer] You're probably sitting there wondering what will be your mark. What will you be known for? It might surprise you to learn... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I finally feel ready. Athlead is growing... Jim: Athleap. Pam: And Jim can jump back in without skipping a beat. We'll come back to visit. But I think it's time for us to officially... Dwight: No, don't say it. You're fired! You're both fired! Jim: Dwight, come on. Don't end on a bad note. Dwight: Don't be an idiot. It's for the severance. The best I can do one month for every year you've been here. That's the max. Pam: Thanks Dwight. Jim: Hey, and if you're ever in Austin... Dwight: Woah. Right. For what, the art? The music? The incredible nightlife? No thank you. But if you're ever in the area, you'll always have a place to stay...in my barn. Jim: There it is. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Do I get along with my co-workers? Well, first of all, I don't have co-workers anymore, I have subordinates. So... have I gotten along with my subordinates? Let's see. My supplier relations rep, Meredith Palmer, is the only person I know who knows how to properly head bang to Motorhead. Oscar Martinez, my accountant, is now godfather to my son. Angela Schrute, my former accountant is now my wife. My top salesman, Jim Halpert was best man at my wedding and office administrator Pamela Beesley Halpert is my best friend. So...yes. I'd say I have gotten along with my subordinates. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [on computer] You might feel sorry for me but I actually feel sorry for you. Because you're about to leave Cornell. So say it with me: [all]: Oh, I can so just sit here and cry. Kevin: Oh, Yes! Darryl: You did good. Real good. Andy: Thanks Dad...Darryl. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I spent so much of my time here at Dunder Mifflin thinking about my old pals, my college a cappella group. The weird thing is now, I'm exactly where I wanna be. I got my dream job at Cornell and I'm still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they're the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them. [pause] Someone should write a song about that. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: You take something ordinary, like a piece of paper. It's not much. But if you see it in the right way...And that's what you did with this documentary. But seriously, you made a nine-year documentary and you couldn't once show me doing my origami. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [walking out of the bathroom discovered by all] Uh..ohh! [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [playing guitar and singing] I saw a friend today. It had been a while. And we forgot each others names. But it didn't matter. 'Cause deep inside the feeling still remained the same... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Imagine going back and watching a tape of your life. You could see yourself change and make mistakes...and grow up. You could watch yourself fall in love, watch yourself become a husband, become a father. You guys gave that to me. And that's...an amazing gift. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Hey, Jim, remember flonkerton when you did Office Olympics? It was awesome. Jim: Thanks Phyl. Creed: I still have my medal from that. Angela: Do you even have a mattress? Creed: No, but I still have my medal from that. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Oscar. Oscar. [crying] I think I'm gay. Oscar: Why do you say that? Kevin: [sniffles] It's just that I'm so emotional. Oscar: Yeah, but you're not gay. You're not gay. Kevin: No, but maybe the reason... Oscar: You're not gay. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [still playing and singing] And all the faces that I know have that same familiar glow. I think I must have known them somewhere once before. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: How did you do it? How did you capture what it was really like? How we felt and how made each other laugh and how we got through the day? How did you do it? Also, how do cameras work? [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Everyday when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now? [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But...[chuckles] no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. [standing with two cops] Let's do this. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: I just feel lucky that I got a chance to share my crummy story with anyone out there who thinks they're the only one to take a dump in a paper shredder. You're not alone sister. Let's get a beer sometime. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I'm happy that this was all filmed so I can remember everyone and what we did. I worked for a paper company all these years and I never wrote anything down. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I sold paper at this company for 12 years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn't love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid...wonderful...boring...amazing job. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in all...I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kind of the point?

Plan: A: One year; Q: How long after the documentary aired did Dwight and Angela get married? A: the documentary; Q: What aired one year before the wedding? A: Dunder Mifflin; Q: What is the name of the company that the show is about? A: Jim; Q: Who does Dwight initially choose to be his best man? A: Michael Scott; Q: Who shows up and takes Jim's place as Dwight's best man? A: Steve Carell; Q: Who guest stars in the final episode? A: Erin; Q: Who reunites with her biological parents? Summary: One year after the airing of the documentary, past and present employees of Dunder Mifflin gather for Dwight and Angela's wedding. Dwight initially chooses Jim to be his best man, but Michael Scott ( Steve Carell ) shows up and takes his place. Finally, everyone comes together for a final round of interviews, during which Erin reunites with her biological parents and everyone is brought to tears. The episode guest stars Steve Carell, Rachael Harris , Dakota Johnson , Joan Cusack , Sendhil Ramamurthy , Ed Begley, Jr. , Malcolm Barrett , Matt L. Jones , Bill Hader , Seth Meyers , and Nancy Carell .

THE MUTANTS BY: BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. SOLOS (The surface of Solos is a cold desolate wasteland. Bare stunted bushes and shrubs litter the ground and the air is permanently filled with a floating mist. Gasping for breath, an old man comes running into view through the decayed flora. He has long straggly white hair and beard and his clothes are little more than rags. His face looks terrified. He stops to gain his bearings and to try and look through the murk. Suddenly he hears a harsh voice calling out from nearby...) MARSHAL: (OOV.) Over here! Move in! ... , he's heading for the ... ! This way! (The mists seem to clear slightly and the old man sees an empty path ahead. He starts to run down it. His back is revealed to be a series of ridges which seem to be sprouting from underneath the material of his ragged top.) MARSHAL: (OOV.) Over here! (The owner of the voice comes through the mist. He is a large portly man, dressed in a uniform of black with silver braiding. He wears a similarly coloured helmet on his head with a visor and a small compact gas-mask over his mouth. In one hand he carries a futuristic gun and in the other a small detector which gives out a series of static bleeps. The man moves with a determined speed, despite his bulk. He suddenly stops, rips of his mask and screams viciously into the mist...) MARSHAL: Mutt! Mutt! (He turns and shouts behind him into the mists.) MARSHAL: Hurry, you men - hurry! (He turns and gives another yell at his quarry...) MARSHAL: Mutt! (...and seeing him slightly ahead, gives a yell of rage as he starts to run faster after the old man. Such is his haste and anger that he drops his gas-mask. A moment later, two men in similar black and silver uniforms reach the spot and see the mask lying on the ground. The smaller of the two, a white man called STUBBS, picks up the object and yells into the white vapour...) STUBBS: Sir! Marshal - your mask! (His companion, a tall lithe black man called COTTON pulls his own mask off to speak with disgust...) COTTON: Mutt mad he is. Sport to him. STUBBS: Kill one before he passes out. COTTON: Solos - stinking rotten hole. Can't even breathe - what a planet. STUBBS: Not long now, soldier. (STUBBS runs after the MARSHAL.) COTTON: Should have given them independence years ago. (COTTON follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. ANOTHER PART OF SOLOS (The MARSHAL walks slowly ahead to where the old man lies dead in a muddy pool of water. He stares down at the corpse as STUBBS and COTTON catch up.) MARSHAL: Look at it! Disgusting mess. Get rid of it. STUBBS: Sir. (STUBBS hands the MARSHAL his mask.) MARSHAL: Make out a report - Mutt found dead...as usual. (The MARSHAL heads off. STUBBS stands momentarily to attention and then speaks into a receiver which pokes out of the front of his uniform jacket.) STUBBS: (Into radio.) Stubbs calling Skybase. Returning shortly. (He checks his watch.) STUBBS: (Into radio.) ETA - forty-two, zero, six. Have dealt with mutant native alert, area seven. Mutant tracked and found dead on arrival... (He speaks with a mixture of sadness and disgust...) STUBBS: (Into radio.) Cause unknown. (They move off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. UNIT HQ. LABORATORY (Stood before his bench with a screwdriver in his hand, the DOCTOR works at a small electronic unit. Dressed in a brown top and patterned trousers, JO watches with boredom.) JO: Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? JO: Are you going to be very much longer? DOCTOR: No, nearly finished, Jo. JO: What are you doing anyway? DOCTOR: I'm making a Minimum Inertia Superdrive for Bessie. JO: Oh. Well, for your information, it's well past lunch time, and I'm... DOCTOR: Eh...? (JO stops speaking as an object suddenly appears on the bench in front of them. Sized and shaped roughly like a football, it is dark brown in colour and covered with a series of rough, differently sized plates, giving at a look almost like crazy paving.) DOCTOR: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! JO: Lunch? DOCTOR: No. JO: (Slightly nervous.) Bomb? DOCTOR: No, nothing so exciting. (They crouch down to look at it.) JO: Well? DOCTOR: It's an assignment. JO: Well then, it is exciting! (The DOCTOR gives her a withering look.) DOCTOR: No, it's a container of some kind, Jo - from them. JO: Time Lords? DOCTOR: That's right. JO: Well, aren't you going to open it? DOCTOR: Mmm, I'm not allowed to open it. JO: Huh? DOCTOR: Well, I couldn't, even if I wanted to. No, I'm not meant to. I couldn't open it, even if I wanted to. No, it's only meant for one person...and/or creature. And it will only open for one person. JO: And/or creature? DOCTOR: Yeah, that's right. Yes, I'm just the messenger boy. JO: Well, can't you just refuse? (He picks the container up and starts to look over it.) DOCTOR: Well, they only send these things in a real emergency, Jo. It's top priority - three line whip. No, no, I've gotta go. JO: How do you know where to deliver it? (They suddenly hear a hum from the TARDIS sat in the corner of the laboratory and its roof light starts to flash.) DOCTOR: I think that has already been decided. (The TARDIS door buzzes open and the DOCTOR walks across the lab to fetch his cloak. JO grabs her jacket which is of the same pattern as her trousers.) JO: Hang on. Wait for me. I'm coming too. DOCTOR: That's out of the question. It's bound to be dangerous, probably difficult. JO: All the more reason. You need me to look after you. DOCTOR: Sorry, Jo, that's a lot of rubbish. Not this time. Au revoir! (He steps into the TARDIS.) JO: Oh, no you don't! (JO dashes across the lab and through the TARDIS door before it can close. The Police Box dematerialises...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. SKYBASE ONE (In space above the surface of Solos, a large impressive craft orbits the planet. It is made up of two globes, one much larger than the other, connected by a central ridged section and two support struts. Its surfaced is patterned with lighted windows and various radar dishes and aerials decorate the surface. This is Skybase One.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. SKYBASE ONE. STORAGE ROOM (The TARDIS rematerialises within a metallic room. There is one blue oval door leading off the room and a porthole type window in another wall. JO and the DOCTOR step out.) JO: Well? Where are we? DOCTOR: It looks a bit like the tradesman's entrance, isn't it? JO: What do you mean? (She wanders over to the window while the DOCTOR glances round at the few white storage boxes which sit in the room.) DOCTOR: Well, I don't see any red carpet - do you? (She looks through the small window.) JO: Doctor, look! We're flying! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. SOLOS (JO'S face appears at the porthole. She steps aside for the DOCTOR to take a look. Below the skybase is the surface of the planet - cratered, mountainous and covered with the thick grey mist.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. SKYBASE ONE. STORAGE ROOM DOCTOR: We're not exactly flying, Jo. We're in planetary orbit. We must be on a... (He stops speaking as a two note klaxon bell alarm rings out followed by a cold metallic voice...) TANNOY VOICE: Skybase One. This is Skybase One. DOCTOR: ...A Skybase. JO: (Mocking.) Amazing! TANNOY VOICE: Duty personnel to reception and transfer section. Clear visiting party. DOCTOR: We are expected then. TANNOY VOICE: Next, escort them through bacteriological decontamination hall. Skybase One - out. JO: Bacteria what? DOCTOR: Well, put less delicately, Jo - delousing! JO: Cheek! (She flinches and starts to scratch herself. The DOCTOR laughs and she joins in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. SKYBASE ONE. TRANSFER SECTION (Two sets of people are collected in the well-lit transfer and reception of Skybase. First, a number of guards, dressed in the same uniform as STUBBS and COTTON stand with guns warily cocked. Secondly, the Solonians who wear a mixture of long colourful robes, leggings and sets of chain mail. Some are adorned with primitive jewellery and wear their hair long and sometimes braided. The reception area is a series of archways which lead off which form a sort of cloister to a number of corridors. The archways are circular and the walls are made up of triangular cell-like patterns. On one side of the transfer section are two transportation cabinets. In between them are three signs. One reads: HAVE YOU GOT YOUR OXYMASK? The other two point to either cubicle. One states OVERLORDS and the other SOLONIANS. From the latter cubicle steps a tall good-looking young man. He steps down and smiles at an older pugnacious looking Solonion with long braided hair and an ornamental sword at his side. This is VARAN, one of the Solonian tribal leaders and the young man is his SON. Their place their right hands on each others right shoulders in a sign of salute.) VARAN'S SON: Father. (There is an electronic noise and the Solonian cubical glows with a bright blue light. When it has faded, another Solonian is revealed within. He opens the door and steps out. He is younger than VARAN with short dark hair and equally dark eyes. His attitude is lithe and alert. He wears tribal clothing including a leather jerkin and several long chains round his neck. He looks coldly at VARAN and steps down towards him. The two men start to speak in strong colonial accents.) VARAN: Greetings, Ky. KY: I knew you would be here, Varan - with your Overlord masters. VARAN: And why are you here? KY: I was summoned. VARAN: You will attend the conference? KY: The conference? More lies from the Overlords, more promises of freedom. VARAN: Yet Ky still came? (KY raises his voice in order that all around him can hear.) KY: I came to demand that the Overlords stop murdering our people! VARAN: The mutants must be rooted out. They are evil and diseased. (Near to VARAN, one of his men, his bodyguard, twitches his arm and hides it beneath his cloak.) KY: Who tells us that? VARAN: My eyes tell me. KY: No, Varan, the Overlords tell you. They tell you to kill and you kill! VARAN: My people are warriors. It is honourable to fight. KY: (Cries out.) Where is the honour in hunting down unarmed creatures?! VARAN: Their duty, Ky. They are diseased. (KY tenses up.) KY: Well, if it is a diseased, what has caused it? (He stalks round the transfer section, looking into the eyes of the other Solonians.) KY: Once we were farmers and hunters, the land was green, the rivers ran clear, the air was sweet to breathe! And then the Overlords came, bringing Earth's poisons with them - calling it progress. We toiled in their mines, we became slaves! (Shouts.) Worse than slaves! VARAN: (Shouts.) Liar! KY: (Shouts.) Murderer! (The two men face each other and raise their arms to fight.) KY: You have nothing else to hunt, so you hunt your own kind. (VARAN rushes to grab his sword as a guard steps between them with his gun raised in one hand and grabbing KY back in the other. STUBBS turns a corner and steps into the middle.) STUBBS: So! You've arrived, Ky. KY: As you see, Overlord. We come when we are called. STUBBS: Well, don't just stand there making speeches, get into decontamination. (STUBBS nods his head in the right direction and KY stalks off through a doorway.) STUBBS: And the rest of yer! (VARAN'S SON and all the other Solonians except VARAN and his bodyguard follow.) STUBBS: Varan, the Marshal wants to see you. (VARAN and his bodyguard start to go through an archway in another direction.) STUBBS: Alone! VARAN: (To his bodyguard.) Wait. (The bodyguard stands back and VARAN moves off. STUBBS also sets off leaving the bodyguard and one Skybase guard. The bodyguard desperately tries to keep his left hand behind his back and the Skybase guard becomes suspicious. He grabs the hidden arm and pulls it out. He sees that the human looking hand has become replaced by a scaly looking one. He instantly yells down the corridor.) GUARD: Mutt! (The bodyguard grabs the man round the neck and clubs him to the ground. He then pulls the unconscious man into one of the teleport cubicles and sets off into the interior of the Skybase.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. SKYBASE ONE. STORAGE ROOM (The DOCTOR steps out of the TARDIS again.) DOCTOR: Taking their time, aren't they, Jo? (He sees that he is seemingly alone in the room.) DOCTOR: Jo? (He starts to look round the back of the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Jo, where... (JO steps into view from where he is searching.) DOCTOR: Oh, they you are. JO: Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? JO: Are you sure we're in the reception area? Looks more like a broom cupboard. Where exactly are we - time wise? DOCTOR: (Pained.) Don't use expressions like that, Jo, please? JO: Alright - century wise? (She giggles.) DOCTOR: According to the TARDIS's instrument readings, we are now in the thirtieth century empire. JO: I see. (Puzzled.) What empire? DOCTOR: Well, your empire - Earth's empire. Yes, great colonists - Earthmen - you know, Jo. Once they'd sacked the solar system, they moved onto pastures new. Solos is one of them - one of the last. Do you ever read Gibbon's "Decline and Fall"? JO: No, is it good? DOCTOR: (Patiently.) Jo, this is like that, you see? JO: No. DOCTOR: Oh, well empires rise and empires fall. And if this is their idea of a reception, this one has obviously crumbled! (They laugh. The DOCTOR inspects the door. Next to it is a panel with sensors in the shape of a palm-print.) DOCTOR: Oh, to get out of here, I've obviously got to try and break the circuits. (He takes out his sonic screwdriver and starts to adjust it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (VARAN, escorted by two Skybase guards, steps into the MARSHAL'S office through a blue oval sliding doorway. The office has a raised area along the back wall with a small railed podium on the right hand side and the MARSHAL'S metallic desk on the left. In the centre of the room is a circular table with seats below the platform. The back walls are adorned with diagrams resembling neutrons around an atom. The MARSHAL is within his domain and turns to face the visitor.) MARSHAL: Ah, Varan? VARAN: Why has Ky been summoned to this conference? MARSHAL: Oh, you've seen him then? (He sits at his desk.) VARAN: He called me murderer. Me - Varan. I should have finished with him there and then. MARSHAL: Oh now, Varan, we want no martyrs. I have other plans for Ky. VARAN: You said I would represent my people. MARSHAL: You will be there. You and Ky. Now listen... (He leans forward...) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. SKYBASE ONE. STORAGE ROOM (With an explosion of sparks on the panel, the door slides open under the assault of the sonic screwdriver. The DOCTOR is about to step out but JO holds him back.) JO: The box. DOCTOR: What? JO: The box! DOCTOR: Oh yes, of course. (He hurries back into the TARDIS and emerges with their consignment.) DOCTOR: Here, you take it. JO: Alright. (She takes the box as they step into the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. SKYBASE ONE. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE STORAGE AREA (The DOCTOR looks round. There is a sign on the wall which reads: STORAGE AREA 4 ...but the corridor is otherwise empty.) DOCTOR: It's alright. There's nobody about - come on. (JO follows him but they have barely taken a few steps when the bell-klaxon rings out again.) TANNOY VOICE: Attention. Attention. Computer confirms door malfunction in storage area four. JO: That's us. TANNOY VOICE: Investigation please. DOCTOR: Yes, I know. I'm not sure I like being described as a malfunction. (They laugh and move on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. SKYBASE ONE. STORAGE AREA 5 (STUBBS and COTTON are playing chess using a futuristic metallic set in another storage area. STUBBS makes a move followed by COTTON.) COTTON: Check. TANNOY VOICE: I repeat: Investigation please. STUBBS: That's us. COTTON: What is it? STUBBS: A door. COTTON: Door? All the way over there for a door? STUBBS: Yeah, seems a bit pointless, doesn't it? COTTON: Ah, leave it. Leave it till morning. We have only just got back up here after that Mutt hunt. Tell you what...? STUBBS: What? COTTON: You won't catch him rushing about tonight. STUBBS: Who? COTTON: His Nibs - the Marshal. (They return to their game.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (The MARSHAL finishes giving VARAN his instructions.) MARSHAL: You understand? I want a man I can trust and trust absolutely. VARAN: All my warriors can be trusted. They will fight to the death for Varan. (The MARSHAL passes VARAN a small rectangular piece of red plastic.) MARSHAL: Then you will need this pass. VARAN: It is good. MARSHAL: Hmm! I doubt if Ky will think so. Varan, I shall want to see this man of yours myself. VARAN: Now? MARSHAL: Afterwards. (VARAN steps out of the office. The MARSHAL watches him go and mutters to himself...) MARSHAL: The fool! [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. SKYBASE ONE. CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR and JO make their way down one of Skybase's corridors - still unchallenged.) DOCTOR: Hello? (They turn a corner and look round. The DOCTOR calls out louder...) DOCTOR: Hello? (A wall sign shows that they are now also in storage area 5. The DOCTOR spots another door closed by a palm-print panel and takes out his sonic screwdriver to deal it.) JO: (Warning.) Doctor... DOCTOR: Well, we can't wander around here all night with nobody noticing, now can we? (As the DOCTOR stands one side to avoid the sparks when he operates his screwdriver, JO looks round and spots the approaching figure of the mutating Solonian bodyguard.) JO: Doctor! (The bodyguard starts to draw his sword. The DOCTOR destroys the panel and he and JO dive through the doorway as the Solonian rushes at them. Once through, the starts to close behind them but the Bodyguard manages to get his mutating arm through...) TANNOY VOICE: Attention. Attention... [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. SKYBASE ONE. STORAGE AREA 5 (In another part of the storage area, the chess game between STUBBS and COTTON continues...) TANNOY VOICE: Door malfunction in storage area three. Immediate investigation ordered. Possible emergency - out. (Looking worried, STUBBS puts his gloves on and starts to collect his helmet and gun.) STUBBS: We should have gone the first time - come on. COTTON: Oh, we couldn't have known. STUBBS: Come on! We're in enough trouble already. Two malfunctions, eh? I don't like the sound of that. (They go through a palm-print doorway and out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. SKYBASE ONE. CORRIDOR (The Solonian Bodyguard's arm claws through the doorway. The DOCTOR strains on the other side as he desperately tries to keep it closed.) DOCTOR: I can't hold it much longer! JO: Well, what is it? DOCTOR: I've no idea but whatever it is, it isn't friendly! (Another door opens and STUBBS and COTTON step through, guns raised.) STUBBS: Away from that door. DOCTOR: Look, you fool...! STUBBS: (Shouts.) Away from the door! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Look at his hand! (COTTON rushes at the DOCTOR and pushes him and JO away. Immediately, the bodyguard springs through the door. He quickly looks round and focuses on STUBBS. With his sword raised, he gives a roar but STUBBS fires his gun. The flash downs the bodyguard. He passes his gun to COTTON and draws up his uniform microphone.) STUBBS: (Into microphone.) Stubbs and Cotton investigating malfunction - storage area three. Mutant native contacted and destroyed. Two other non-personnel found and held. Report ends. (He takes his gun back off COTTON and points it at the DOCTOR.) STUBBS: Good evening, sir. Will you please come with us to reception? DOCTOR: I assume I have no choice? STUBBS: This way, sir. (He steps back. The DOCTOR, about to follow, looks down at the dead Solonian.) DOCTOR: "Mutant native", you say? STUBBS: That's right, sir. (The DOCTOR leads JO by the hand towards the door. She is still carrying the Time Lord's container. The body of the Solonian has a series of ridges growing out of its back...) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (The MARSHAL receives the news in his office through a baton he carries, the top of which extends to become a radio.) MARSHAL: (Into radio.) Mutt? On my Skybase? How? STUBBS: (OOV: Over radio.) He was Varan's bodyguard, sir. MARSHAL: (Into radio.) Mmm, Varan's bodyguard? Get me a full report at once. Hold the other two, and get Varan. (He pushes the end of his baton in as the door to his office opens and a man steps through. He is dressed in a uniform somewhat like the rest of the Skybase crew but with a longer knee-length jacket, denoting seniority. The man is in his forties, slim, dark-haired and with a cold face.) MARSHAL: I've asked for a full report, Administrator. ADMINISTRATOR: I should think so. What happened to your security arrangements? And why wasn't I informed that Varan was here? Really, Marshal - on the eve of the independence conference? MARSHAL: They'll be a full security clampdown. The Solonians will never know. As for Varan, he was merely reporting on Ky's activities. ADMINISTRATOR: (Coldly.) Spying for you, you mean? (The MARSHAL tries to smile.) MARSHAL: Oh, all part of security. ADMINISTRATOR: Security? Such as we have tonight? Natives and the devil knows who else running amok. Good heavens, man! We're not at war with the Solonians - we're giving them independence. MARSHAL: (Scoffs.) Oh, eventually. ADMINISTRATOR: Not eventually, Marshal - now. Total and absolute independence. We're pulling out. (The MARSHAL looks devastated and finds it difficult to find the words...) MARSHAL: Pulling out? ADMINISTRATOR: I take it you've been too busy with security to study the latest reports from Earth? We can't afford an empire any more. Earth is exhausted, Marshal - finished. Politically, economically and biologically - finished. MARSHAL: Then why go back? We could keep Skybase on Solos - take over the whole planet. ADMINISTRATOR: Out of the question. Apart from the Solonians themselves, there's the problem of the atmosphere. MARSHAL: Well, they're both problems that can be solved. ADMINISTRATOR: Ky's already making political capital out of your... "experiments" in that field. MARSHAL: Hmm! The Mutants! ADMINISTRATOR: Exactly. MARSHAL: (Defensive.) There is no proof that my atmospheric experiments have anything at all to do with these mutations. The Mutts are a menace and must be wiped out. ADMINISTRATOR: And that's your alternative to independence? Genocide? MARSHAL: Mmm, give them independence, they'll starve out of total incompetence. ADMINISTRATOR: (Angrily.) Nevertheless, they shall have their independence! Whether they're ready for it or not. MARSHAL: When you summoned this conference, Administrator, I assumed it for your usual line. ADMINISTRATOR: Which is? MARSHAL: Oh, fob them off with promises, a few minor concessions - it's always worked before. ADMINISTRATOR: Well, this time I'm conceding all Ky's demands. MARSHAL: But...! ADMINISTRATOR: (Interrupts.) We have no choice! We must return to Earth. MARSHAL: But I've put years of my life into this planet! The whole...my whole career...! ADMINISTRATOR: (Interrupts.) Yeah, well, I'm afraid things are going to be a bit...tricky for ex-colonial officials. Still, don't worry, old chap, we'll...find you something. (He heads for the door but stops for a final gibe with a faint smile on his face...) ADMINISTRATOR: The Bureau of Records, perhaps? Something clerical. (He goes out. The MARSHAL, a furious look on his face, walks up to his desk, thinking furiously. He opens up his baton...) MARSHAL: (Into radio.) Get me that fool, Varan. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. SKYBASE ONE. ROOM (It is the next morning. Light floods through one of the portholes. JO goes up to it and looks through wearing some sunglasses from her pocket for protection from the glare.) JO: Doctor? DOCTOR: What? JO: You can see the planet in daylight now. (The DOCTOR joins her.) DOCTOR: Oh, yes, so you can. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. SPACE (In the light of Solos' sun, the mists on the planet appear even thicker.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. SKYBASE ONE. ROOM JO: It's not like our Earth, is it? It's all grey and misty. (They step away from the window.) DOCTOR: Well, the Earth these people know now, Jo - the thirtieth century empire - is even more grey and misty. (JO takes off her glasses as they sit on a bench.) JO: It can't be! DOCTOR: Mmm, land and sea alike- all grey. Grey cities linked by grey highways across grey deserts. JO: Really? DOCTOR: Yeah. Slag, ash, clinker - the fruits of technology, Jo. (They are in a small room guarded by STUBBS. The door opens and the ADMINISTRATOR walks in.) ADMINISTRATOR: Morning. DOCTOR: Good morning, sir. ADMINISTRATOR: I've seen your statements. What is it you want? As briefly as possible. DOCTOR: We come from Earth. ADMINISTRATOR: Who sent you? DOCTOR: Overlord centre. ADMINISTRATOR: (Puzzled.) The council, you mean? DOCTOR: Yes. ADMINISTRATOR: The council has no further interest in Solos. (The door opens again and the MARSHAL enters with another guard.) DOCTOR: Well, they certainly had when we left. MARSHAL: Just, er, when did you leave, Doctor? DOCTOR: Sometime ago now. MARSHAL: He's lying. He's got no pass. DOCTOR: Look, this was an emergency. MARSHAL: There have been no shuttles, no departures from Earth, no arrivals on Skybase in weeks. DOCTOR: For goodness sake, does it matter how we got here? MARSHAL: They must be from Solos! ADMINISTRATOR: Let him speak. (To the DOCTOR.) Why are you here? DOCTOR: This is why. Jo? (JO fetches the Time Lord's container and passes it to him.) DOCTOR: Thank you. (The DOCTOR holds it out expectantly to the ADMINISTRATOR with a slight bow. He takes it and looks it over but nothing else happens.) DOCTOR: Yes, well, obviously it's not for you. (The DOCTOR takes it back from him but the MARSHAL snatches it from his hands. The DOCTOR waits a second, sees that the result is the same and takes it back.) DOCTOR: Nor you, it would seem. ADMINISTRATOR: Some kind of a joke? Who is it for? What is it anyway? DOCTOR: Well, it's a container of some kind, but I must have confess that I... ADMINISTRATOR: (Interrupts sharply.) Then open it! (The DOCTOR stares at the interruption and then speaks down to the ADMINISTRATOR.) DOCTOR: Can't! (The MARSHAL hands his baton to STUBBS, taking his gun in return. He points it at the DOCTOR.) MARSHAL: Open it! DOCTOR: You're wasting your time, Marshal. This box will only open for the person to whom it was sent. MARSHAL: We shall see. Stubbs? STUBBS: Sir? (The MARSHAL gestures to a tall flat stand. STUBBS takes the container from the DOCTOR and places it on the stand.) MARSHAL: Stand back. (They all do so. The MARSHAL fires two shots. The container glows with an opaque light. There is a small explosion and some smoke creeps out from beneath the object but otherwise it looks undamaged. The MARSHAL hands STUBBS his gun back and walks forward to examine the container. The DOCTOR, JO and the ADMINISTRATOR join him. The DOCTOR taps the container.) DOCTOR: Do you see? ADMINISTRATOR: You must know who it's for? MARSHAL: They were found with the Mutt. They must be saboteurs. DOCTOR: Oh, don't be a fool! If we were saboteurs, that'd be a bomb and thanks to you we'd all be blown to smithereens by now. (The door opens and COTTON steps in, standing to attention before the ADMINISTRATOR.) COTTON: Sir, the Solonian delegates are ready for you. ADMINISTRATOR: Thank you. (He looks again at the container.) ADMINISTRATOR: Well, whatever it is, it'll have to wait. Marshal? MARSHAL: Be with you in a moment. (The ADMINISTRATOR leaves and the MARSHAL turns to the two prisoners.) MARSHAL: Now, perhaps you'll tell me just what this is really all about. JO: But he has! What he told you was the truth. MARSHAL: (To the DOCTOR.) What are you - some sort of special agent for the council? Sent to check on me? DOCTOR: If you really want to find out what's in this... MARSHAL: (Interrupts.) I shall find out! DOCTOR: May I suggest that you take it to the conference. It could well be for someone there. MARSHAL: Could it? I think there are more important things. (He heads for the door and opens it.) MARSHAL: Far more important things. Stubbs! STUBBS: Sir? MARSHAL: Don't let these two out of your sight. STUBBS: Sir. (The MARSHAL and his guard leave. The DOCTOR gestures to JO to re-take her seat on the bench and he joins her. They stare at STUBBS with the friendliest of smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (KY, VARAN and three Solonians are gathered in the MARSHAL'S office. A Solonian keeps KY and VARAN from approaching each other to continue their dispute. Apart from these two warring leaders, the others are sat at the table in the middle of the room. The door glides open and the MARSHAL enters. Over his uniform, he wears a sleeveless ceremonial tunic. He is followed by two guards and VARAN'S SON. As the guards search this latecomer, VARAN and the MARSHAL stand together and quietly confer.) MARSHAL: Which is he? VARAN: By the door. MARSHAL: Does he understand the new instructions? VARAN: He understands. MARSHAL: Is he reliable? VARAN: He is my son. (The MARSHAL looks surprised.) MARSHAL: Your son? VARAN: You asked for someone in whom we could trust. MARSHAL: Yes, good Varan. (He hands VARAN a small object like a leather pouch and steps away as VARAN'S SON approaches his father. VARAN hangs the object round his SON'S neck as KY watches in a mixture of suspicion and pent-up hatred. The klaxon bell rings out.) TANNOY VOICE: His Excellency - the Administrator. (The ADMINISTRATOR walks in. He too wears a ceremonial tunic. He steps onto the platform which overlooks the central table.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. SKYBASE ONE. ROOM (In the centre of the DOCTOR and JO'S room, an object like a crystal ball has now been placed on the central stand. On this appears a distorted image of the events in the MARSHAL'S office. STUBBS watches with them.) TANNOY VOICE: Skybase one, Skybase one, this is an Overlord telecast. (A piece of militaristic electronic music starts to be played.) DOCTOR: Bombastic signature tune, isn't it? STUBBS: Well, it always impresses them on Solos. DOCTOR: (Sarcastically.) Does it really? (They see all the Solonians taking their places with KY taking a seat at the round table that keeps his back to the ADMINISTRATOR on his podium.) TANNOY VOICE: His Excellency, the Administrator, is about to make his final statement of terms relating to the question of independence in the presence of the Solonian all-peoples union. DOCTOR: What's your view, Stubbs? STUBBS: Independence? Yeah, the sooner the better. Let's get off and home. Plenty to sort out there. DOCTOR: Yes, quite so. (Whilst STUBBS is looking at JO, the DOCTOR gestures to her with his fingers to keep him talking. She takes the hint...) JO: Have you got a family back on Earth? STUBBS: Oh, I hope so, Miss. JO: Do you hear from them very often? (The DOCTOR slowly starts to walks behind STUBBS.) STUBBS: Oh, I get reports, you know? The odd video. JO: No letters? STUBBS: Letters? JO: Mmm. STUBBS: What the... (The DOCTOR places two hands on STUBB'S shoulders in a nerve-pinch. The man looks pained and sinks to the floor.) DOCTOR: Sorry about that, Stubbs. Well done, Jo, you did that beautifully. JO: Pity, he was rather sweet. DOCTOR: Do you think so? JO: Mmm. DOCTOR: Come on, let's go to that conference. (He operates the door and JO passes him the container.) JO: Here, you take that. [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (The ADMINISTRATOR gazes down at the small group of Solonians, including a visibly tense and impatient KY.) ADMINISTRATOR: Some five hundred years ago, we Earthmen - Overlords, as you call us - arrived on Solos. Our ancestors, yours and mine, made a solemn treaty - a pact, a bond, an act of friendship... (KY mutters loudly enough to be heard to a Solonian next to him.) KY: Treachery... ADMINISTRATOR: ...and mutual co-operation between our two peoples. (Sat at his desk, the MARSHAL watches impassively.) ADMINISTRATOR: A bold concept - two...different cultures, far apart in terms of development... (The MARSHAL nods at VARAN'S SON...) ADMINISTRATOR: ...uniting together to create a new society. (VARAN'S SON starts to examine the pouch.) ADMINISTRATOR: A new and richer world. Now, after five hundred years of... KY: (To the Solonians.) Exploitation. (The ADMINISTRATOR ignores the comment.) ADMINISTRATOR: ...expert scientific and technical aid, we have steered you to the verge of... (KY turns in his seat and yells up into the ADMINISTRATOR'S face.) KY: Disaster! ADMINISTRATOR: ...to the verge of independence. [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. SKYBASE ONE. TRANSFER SECTION (The DOCTOR and JO enter the deserted transfer section. They see the designated transport cubicles.) DOCTOR: Segregation. JO: Mmm. (They look round.) DOCTOR: This way. (They head off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (The conference continues...) ADMINISTRATOR: ...rights and privileges as citizens of empire. You, the peoples of Solos, have given us much. And we in return have given you... KY: (Loudly.) Mutts! ADMINISTRATOR: ...a strong and stable system of government. (KY has had enough. He mutters to the Solonian on his right...) KY: Freedom now! ADMINISTRATOR: Despite... (The Solonian nods. KY turns to the one on his left...) KY: Freedom now! (He too nods.) ADMINISTRATOR: Despite, I say, recent acts of terrorism, violence... (The Solonians start to chant, their voices rising in pitch...) SOLONIANS: Freedom...freedom...freedom! ADMINISTRATOR: ...and subversion. (The ADMINISTRATOR raises his voice to make himself heard as the SOLONIANS chant.) SOLONIANS: (Shout.) Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! ADMINISTRATOR: (Shouts.) The only black mark on the history of amicable relations unparalleled throughout the empire! (KY thumps the table and jumps to his feet.) KY: (Shouts.) We want freedom and we want it now! [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. SKYBASE ONE. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE MARSHAL'S OFFICE (The DOCTOR and JO round a corner and find themselves outside the door to the MARSHAL'S office. COTTON is there with his gun raised.) COTTON: Where do you think you're going? DOCTOR: Well, to the conference, of course. COTTON: Not without a pass. Sorry, sir. DOCTOR: Pass, what pass? COTTON: Nobody in without a pass, sir. DOCTOR: Look, all this has been arranged by the Administrator. COTTON: Sorry sir, that Mutt - extra security all over. (The DOCTOR holds up the container.) DOCTOR: Look, this thing contains important documents - details of the whole independence agreement, ready for signing. COTTON: Open it up, please sir. DOCTOR: (Shocked.) What? COTTON: Can't risk weapons in there, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. SKYBASE ONE. MARSHAL'S OFFICE (As VARAN'S SON points the pouch at the ADMINISTRATOR, he and KY are both shouting, both making impassioned speeches and shouting over one another...) ADMINISTRATOR: Now it is my duty to set out the final conditions that Earth Council has laid down! KY: (Shouts.) Do you hear that, Varan? Hundreds of years of oppression and slavery! ADMINISTRATOR: Good friends! I beg you to listen! KY: (Shouts.) You pollute the lands we live by! ADMINISTRATOR: (To KY, urging.) We have no need to quarrel. KY: (Shouts.) Now you want to take from us the very air we breathe! ADMINISTRATOR: Look, Earth government... (The MARSHAL stands and points to KY as VARAN'S SON aims...) MARSHAL: (Shouts.) Guards, arrest him! ADMINISTRATOR: Earth Government is prepared to concede if you will only let me finish! (The guards rush KY and they start to struggle. VARAN'S SON fires what would appear to be a small poison object at the ADMINISTRATOR who clutches his cheek in shock. A guard rushes to assist him. KY fights off his guards.) KY: (Shouts.) Out! Go! (KY runs for the door.) MARSHAL: (Shouts.) Stop him! KY: (Shouts.) Get back to Solos! MARSHAL: (Shouts.) Stop him! [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. SKYBASE ONE. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE MARSHAL'S OFFICE (KY runs into the corridor where the DOCTOR is still arguing with COTTON.) DOCTOR: No, I can't open it! KY: (To the DOCTOR.) Out of my way, Overlord! (KY pushes past him, touching the container in the process. The top of it starts to rise upwards and KY runs off.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) The box - it's opening! Wait - this is for you! JO: I'll get him, Doctor. DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Wait! (JO runs off after the fleeing Solonian as the guards and the MARSHAL pour out from his office.) MARSHAL: After him! After him! He must be stopped! (They all give chase.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. SKYBASE ONE. TRANSFER SECTION (KY runs into the reception and transfer section. Hearing JO coming up behind him, he hides round a corner.) JO: Wait! Listen! I've got to talk to you! Listen...! (KY grabs her and uses her as a shield as he backs towards a transport cubicle, hearing the MARSHAL shouting to the approaching guards.) MARSHAL: (OOV.) Stop him! JO: What are you doing? KY: They will not shoot an Overlord. JO: But I'm not an Overlord! I've come to help you! (KY and JO enter a transport cubicle. The MARSHAL, the DOCTOR and the guards, weapons trained, stand before the row of cubicles.) MARSHAL: Now, you fool! Shoot! DOCTOR: No, you can't! MARSHAL: I said fire! (The guards fire and the cubicle explodes...)

Plan: A: Solos; Q: What is the name of the planet the Doctor and Jo arrive on? A: the Time Lords; Q: Who sent the Doctor and Jo to Solos? A: the native Solonians; Q: Who is mutating into ant-like mutant creatures? A: a conspiracy; Q: What do the Doctor and Jo uncover? A: Marshal of the Earth Empire; Q: Who is the main villain in "The Mutants"? A: Solos atmosphere; Q: What does the Marshal plan to convert? A: the planet's atmosphere; Q: What is poisonous? A: all the mutated Solonians; Q: Who does the Marshal plan to wipe out? A: a advanced super race; Q: What are the Solonians evolving into? Summary: The Doctor and Jo arrive on the planet Solos, on a assignment by the Time Lords. Where the Doctor and Jo learn that the native Solonians are mutating into ant-like mutant creatures and they uncover a conspiracy, where the evil Marshal of the Earth Empire plots to rule Solos for himself and plans to convert Solos atmosphere, since the planet's atmosphere is poisonous, so the planet can be colonized by the humans and he plans to wipe out all the mutated Solonians, who are evolving into a advanced super race.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] George: Fornicator! Isaac: [Screams] Mr. Hale: He searches. Captain: So where is the witch? Increase: Right here. Captain: Aaah! Mr. Hale: If he cannot be stopped, well, then it's an entirely new game, isn't it? Mrs. Hale: Everything your father does, he does for you. Anne: [Gasps] Cotton: I no longer want to be your customer. True love cannot be bought or sold. John: Let's just live. Rose: You still love John Alden. The grand rite ferments best in a loveless heart. Mary: He serves at my behest. He won't come out for you. Cotton: Father. Mary: My dear Increase. How long may we enjoy your presence in town? Increase: Until every last Devil's whore of a witch in Salem is dead. [Dog barking] Depravity. Can there be a more apt word to describe the current state of your fair city? Drink, perversity, abominations of each and every variety offered and received. And even as we cater to our inner demons, we have allowed actual demons to flourish! Witches! Mr. Hale: He was not supposed to be here. Increase: Living vessels of godlessness. Mr. Hale: So why is he? Increase: The serpent from eden... Mary: He came to see what his son had accomplished. Increase: You have listened and... Mr. Hale: And why is he staying? Mary: He saw what his son had accomplished. Increase: There are witches hidden amongst us, and you people of Salem, seduced by drink and by flesh, are happily blinded to it. Standing before you, with the certainty of the rising sun, I assure you this will change. Mrs. Sibley. Mary: Reverend, your words are inspiration. England's loss is our gain. Increase: I trust your husband's condition is improving. Mary: Sadly, no. Increase: Well, please tell George I shall visit him again at once. Perhaps my presence may be of some comfort to him. Mary: Oh, how could it not? Both: [Moaning] Cotton: [Breathing heavily] Gloriana: [Chuckles] [Both laugh] Cotton: I have no words. Gloriana: [Chuckles] Cotton: Like a man who's seen the face of God. [Both laugh] Only an awed silence is the appropriate response. Gloriana: [Laughing] Your father. Cotton: And like that, the mood is ruined. Gloriana: No, your... your father. He's... he's in the common. Cotton: With a crowd, no doubt, hanging on his every word. Gloriana: With a crowd, yes, but he's not speaking. Cotton: Well, then you must have him confused with someone else. Gloriana: [Giggles] He's walking this way. Cotton: And by "this way," you mean... Woman: [Gasps] Cotton: He cannot find me here. Increase: And where better to begin our cleansing of Salem than in its most vile den? Cotton: The back stairs. Gloriana: No, no, no, no, y-you'll cross the landing. Cotton: Gloriana, my father does not understand me. He never has. If he discovers me... Gloriana: Under the bed now. Cotton: What?! Gloriana: Under the bed now! Cotton: Where's my Bible? Gloriana: I-I-I don't see it! Oh. [Clears throat] Reverend Mather. Increase: You know me? Gloriana: Is there anyone in the province who doesn't? Increase: You are alone? Gloriana: No. I'm here with my lord. His words, anyway. [Chuckles] They offer great comfort in these perilous times... Even for a woman like me. Increase: Do you not sense it? The commingling of sin and sorcery? Take a breath. [Breathes deeply] You can almost taste it... Satan's toxic nectar, designed to divert and disarm. Ah. The proprietress of this charming establishment. Mab: What'll it be today, Reverend? Thin and pliant, or thick and playful? Increase: Mind your betters, madam. Mab: I run an honest house. You'll find nothing here. Increase: I have made my name finding things where there is nothing to be found. Orris root? Mab: Strangers tramp in and out of here every day. I do not know what substances they carry. Increase: Hmm. Casting stones. Selectmen of Salem... We've uncovered a witch. ["Cupid Carries a Gun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Indistinct conversations] Mr. Hale: One of ours. Exactly what we feared the minute he stepped off that ship. Now, well, you know what this means. Mary: Just because I don't share your panic doesn't mean I don't grasp the stakes. Mr. Hale: He will press her for names, and whose will be she tempted to provide? Tituba: She was careless, leaving objects of her craft so close at hand. Mr. Hale: And for that carelessness, we may all burn, to say nothing of what will become of our grand rite. Mary: Your hysteria offers no solutions. Mab simply needs to be reminded what is expected of her. Tituba: Her silence. Mr. Hale: [Sighs] You're right. I shall pay her a visit at once. Tituba: You're worried. [Door opens] Mary: He is formidable, the senior Mather, part bully, part bloodhound. Tituba: Mab has been loyal to the hive throughout. Mary: It is not Mab that worries me. Increase promises to pay another visit. How long before he realizes that George is not sick, but spelled? And at whose hands? Mine. Tituba: Then prevent this. Mary: Yes. Increase may visit at his pleasure, for what loving wife would leave her ailing husband at home when his condition demands attention at once? [Indistinct conversations] John: You're drinking early today. Cotton: If you knew my father, you'd commend me for waiting this long. John: You know, the way you speak of him, you make him sound... Cotton: Inhuman? John: Yes. Cotton: Good. Then I have painted an accurate picture. [Door opens] Don't believe me? See for yourself. [Sighs] Increase: Cotton, I've been in search of you all morning. I supposed I should have realized you would be somewhere where whiskey is served. Cotton: Father, this is John... Increase: John Alden. Your father and I were classmates at university. John: Yes, I know. Increase: An honor, Captain. Truly, I can have no greater respect than for a man who has risked his life in battle. Sadly, not all young men possess the same mettle. Cotton: What brings you, father? Increase: Well, I am shocked to discover the extent of the depravity and immorality in Salem. The people need a reminder of the wages of their sin. Cotton: And so they will get one. Increase: Mm-hmm. - Cotton: In Sunday's sermon. Increase: No. No. They need to hear your voice now. A public recitation on the commons, illustrated by the face of sin. Cotton: The face of sin? And who is that? Increase: And Cotton? Your Bible. [Indistinct conversations] Mary: The hospital in Boston awaits him. It is my only hope to find a cure for his worsening condition. [Horse snorts] [Horse whinnies] And, Isaac, your feelings towards my husband for what he once did... They're understandable, but to help him in his hour of need shows me the true measure of you... For which I am forever grateful. [Horse whinnies] Isaac: We will be in Boston by daybreak. [Clicks tongue] [Hooves clopping] Mr. Hale: A moment with the accused? Sentry: Yes, magistrate. [Door creaks] [Indistinct conversations] Mr. Hale: [Sighs] Mab: You've come here to kill me. Mr. Hale: It would be within my right to do so. The code of the hive is clear. But, no, we have agreed to spare you. I would allow nothing else. Still... to the issue at hand. He will interrogate you. Mab: And I will give him nothing. I will swallow the blackened pill before I betray the cause. Mr. Hale: That will be your intent, yes, until he tortures you and then, hearing your cries of pain, tortures you some more, at which point you will beg for him to allow you to offer a name, even if only to release yourself from the agony. When that happens... And it will happen... I have just the distraction for you to provide. Anne: Where do you go at night, father? Mr. Hale: Anne. Awake at this hour? Anne: Mother says I shouldn't ask such questions, that I should simply be grateful for the sacrifices you make on our behalf. Mr. Hale: Nonsense. Ask whatever you like. Tonight I was preoccupied with business of the town. Anne: And do you believe she is a witch? Mr. Hale: Who? Anne: The woman you sought out at the jail. Mr. Hale: You followed me? Anne: I simply wanted to know what those sacrifices were and why they seem to be so often made in secret. Mr. Hale: First you snoop about in my room, unearthing my belongings, and now... [Sighs] No. Anne: No? What? Mr. Hale: No, I do not believe she is a witch. She is but a sad, lonely woman. Anne: I am glad to hear there is some common sense left in Salem. Good night, father. Mr. Hale: Good night, dear. Mab: [Muffled screaming] [Spectators murmuring] [Screaming, gasping] Please! I am innocent! Increase: You have pled guilty to the practice of witchcraft. But such a plea is not sufficient to spare your life. I want names of others. Mab: I know of no others. Increase: Again. Mab: No! I swear I'm innocent! [Muffled screaming] John: He's insane. Cotton: On a good day. Mab: Aah! [Gasping] Increase: Only the name of a fellow witch will spare your life. Mab: I know of no others. Increase: I will ask again, but first a caution. The next time, the saltwater that filled your mouth only will travel down your throat into your lungs. And then the taste you struggle to discern will not be of water, nor of air, but of death. A name. [Wood creaking] Mab: Wait! Increase: And I wait only for the name of a fellow witch. Mab: And I will give it to you. Her! Gloriana! [Spectators murmuring] Cotton: No. No. No. No! This is a mistake. No, father, this is a mistake. Miss embry is no witch. Increase: You are here to observe, not to interfere. Cotton: Listen to me, father. This is what I have tried to tell you, and now I see it to be true... That we have been wrong. Increase: Cotton. Cotton: That in our zeal to rid Satan from our midst, we are instead killing innocents. Increase: Do not presume to instruct me. Cotton: We are doing the Devil's work for him! Increase: And my life's work is a mistake? Cotton: Respectfully... yes. Increase: Stand aside. Cotton: Please, father, I beg you... spare her. Increase: Get out of my way. Cotton: Listen to me! Increase: I have. And I will no longer let you act the fool. Cotton: You are sure it is I who acts the fool? [Spectators murmuring] Gloriana: Cotton. Increase: Take her to the cage. Gloriana: Cotton. Cotton! Cotton: No. [Panting] Gloriana: Cotton! Cotton! George: [Gagging] Isaac: Oh, Lord. What is it, Mr. Sibley? George: [Groaning] Isaac: Try to breathe, Mr. Sibley. That's it. George: [Groaning] Isaac: Slow breath, Mr. Sibley. That's right. [Exhales heavily] That's it, nice and easy. No! [Birds chirping] George: [Groaning] [Frog squeaking] [Bell chiming] Cotton: Father! Father, you have no evidence. Increase: Nonsense. I have the word of an admitted witch. Cotton: A woman who practices the Devil's craft? You trust her to finger others? Increase: Tell me... Do all accusations stir such passions in you? Or is there something unique about the whore's case? Cotton: I know these people. I have lived among them. Miss embry is no tool of Satan. Increase: And if she were to be examined for the Devil's marks? Cotton: An examination? I'm confident... No, I am certain... That you would find nothing. In fact, yes, I would encourage you to settle the issue and conduct the exam at once. Increase: Me? No. No, I will leave that to you. [Rooster crows] You will examine the accused. [Door opens, closes] Mary: Captain. No. John! John: That wasn't the reaction I was expecting. Mary: Nor the greeting I was. The other night... What we said... what we did. John: What, do you regret it? Mary: No. My only regret is that it can never happen again. I'm a married woman, John. John: With a very sick husband. Mary: Mr. Sibley would never do me the favor of dying. We both know that. John: He was taken to hospital. Mary: From where he will surely return... As alive and married as ever. John: Is that the reason? Sibley? Nothing else? Not a fear? Or a secret that you think I couldn't accept? Because there is no one in Salem unburdened by their past... Not even me. Mary: I'm sorry, John. I hope you can understand. [SCENE_BREAK] Cotton: Father, please. Increase: Proceed. Gloriana: [Gasps] Cotton: No marks. Increase: Turn her. Cotton: Nothing. Increase: Raise her smock. Still nothing. Increase: The upper torso. Gloriana: [Gasps] Cotton: [Sighs] Father... Increase: The upper torso. Wait. Gloriana: [Sniffs] Cotton: So, you see, as I assured you, she bears no signs of a Devil's agent, no blemishes, no witches' teats. Increase: All of which I will be sure to mention at her trial. Cotton: Her trial? But I have proven to you she is without marks. Increase: Have you forgotten? We are not judges. We are simply seekers of the truth. The power of verdict rests with the selectmen. Cotton: This is Salem. You know how they will vote. Increase: Well, then you save your rage and your impudence for them. [Silverware clinking] Anne: Another woman was accused today... as you saw. It's madness, this witch panic. Mr. Hale: Yes, it is regrettable. Anne: Regrettable? Mr. Hale: What would you have me do? Anne: You could speak out, rail against it. You have any number of options beyond nothing. Mr. Hale: I am one man. Perhaps you expect too much of me. Anne: Perhaps you are content with too little. Mrs. Hale: Hold your tongue, child. Anne: [Sighs] I just don't understand why he's so content to see people hang... Almost as if he secretly likes it. Mr. Hale: I don't appreciate the insinuation. Anne: What insinuation is that? Mr. Hale: That I was somehow in league with the murdering puritans. Anne: Oh, no, that was not my insinuation at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Mr. Hale: And what might that be? Anne: You know, I'm... I'm suddenly very tired. Mr. Hale: What are you accusing me of? Anne: I think I should lie down. Mr. Hale: Anne, do not walk away until you have explained yourself. Anne! [Indistinct conversations] John: May I ask you a question? Why does he hate you? Cotton: Two reasons only... For what I am... And what I am not. John: And you've appealed to him on the girl's behalf? Cotton: Repeatedly. He does not regard me. Truth told, he does not regard anyone except... For you, John. John: Cotton, no. Cotton: You are everything he ever wished me to be. You are a hero in war. You are a man without weakness or frailty. John: Cotton, I'm sorry. Begging another puritan asshole to do the right thing? Since when has it worked? And why would it work now? Cotton: You're right. No man should be forced to humble himself before my father. I have been in Salem for months. I have made allies and enemies in scores. But the closest thing that I have come to a friend... Is you. So I ask you... I beg you... To appeal to my father, if there is some small part of you that can call me a friend, too. Isaac: [Breathing heavily] [Birds chirping] Mr. Sibley? Mr. Sibley?! Mr. Sibley?! Mr. Sibley. George: Help me, Isaac. [Groans] Isaac: You can speak. George: The Lord's miraculous workings. Isaac: You're leaking blood. George: Which is why I need your help. [Groaning] Go to Salem. Return with supplies and one to administer them. Isaac: Help you? George: Yes. Isaac: Do you remember the day you marked me? The day you seared my flesh with the sign of the fornicator? You remember that? George: And I would imagine that not a moment has since passed that you didn't wish me dead. And now your chance, without even raising a hand. Walk away, and I will surely die here. [Groaning] Isaac: Why shouldn't I? George: Because while you desired revenge [groans] I bore regret for what I did. Isaac: Words. George: Then help me, and I will shower you not with words, but gold, more than you've ever hoped to possess. [Groans] Isaac: Gold? To return with... with medicines and Mrs. Sibley? George: No. [Groans] Not her. Increase. Isaac: Increase? George: Tell my wife nothing. Bring me Increase Mather at once. Go now, boy! Run! Run! Run! [Groaning] [Pen scratching] [Knock on door] Increase: Yes? John: Reverend. Increase: The answer is no. John: I didn't ask a question. Increase: You're here to beg for the whore's life, are you not? Dispatched by my besotted son, no doubt. John: Yes. Increase: Well, let me save you the trouble, Captain Alden. The decision has been made to take her to trial. But rest assured I will be sure to tell Cotton that your pleas were most heartfelt. John: Sir... Gloriana is no witch. Increase: No. But I think you will agree she has bewitched my son. John: You know, my father held you in high regard, Reverend. Increase: Alden sr. Was a good man. He viewed the world with uncommon reason. John: Yeah, well, except when it came to his own son. Increase: [Sighs] John: He wanted me to study scripture, and I chose to explore the woods. He wanted me to attend university, and I volunteered for war. He went to his grave thinking my life's choices mistakes. Increase: And yet he allowed you to make them. John: Well, that's because he knew the difference. Increase: Between? John: Between loving his son's choices and loving his son. Increase: [Sighs] [Door closes] [Footsteps departing] [Dog barking] [Indistinct conversations] Isaac: [Panting] Captain Alden. John: Isaac, what is it? Isaac: Not here. John: George Sibley can speak? Isaac: As clearly as you or I. John: And wounded, he doesn't request his wife, but asks for... Isaac: Increase Mather. [Panting] I trust him no more than a thief. But to disobey a man of his standing? [Chuckles] John: Then do nothing. Isaac: Captain? John: You sought my advice, so I offer it. Do nothing. Isaac: But to leave him any longer than I have in the woods, bleeding... John: He will die. Isaac: Yes. John: Does he deserve anything less? The man who marked your flesh... Drove me to war... And has ruled over Salem like a power-mad king? And now, what, he begs for compassion? [Scoffs] Cooperation? What? Isaac: [Sighs] I know you love her, Captain. But to leave him to die is murder. John: Do... nothing. Gloriana: No. Where are you taking me? Tell me! Where are you taking me?! Increase: Good people of Salem, it has come to my attention that the accusation leveled today was a trick of the witches... An infernal ploy to delude and distract from the truly guilty. This woman is no sorceress. And therefore she will not go to trial. [Spectators murmuring] But what her advocates fail to grasp is that absence of guilt does not mean innocence... For this whore is no innocent... Far from it. She is guilty of sin, sins of the flesh, sins against God, sins both mortal and eternal, and as such, she warrants no place in Salem. Cotton: No. Increase: And so, by my decree, she is hereby banished from our midst, her expulsion immediate and beyond dispute. Increase: And should she... Look at me... Ever return at any time, for any reason, you will find yourself once again beside me on the common, your lifeless body dangling from the wrong end of the hangman's noose. Take her. Gloriana: Cotton! Cotton: Gloriana! Gloriana: Cotton! Cotton! Cotton! Cotton! Cotton: Gloriana! Man: Stand back. Stay back. Gloriana: [Crying] Cotton: No! Gloriana! [Hooves clopping] I'm sorry. Gloriana: [Crying] Increase: Take her as far as your steeds will travel. And let it be known neither sin nor sinner have any place in Salem. [Frog squeaking] Mary: George. I don't know how or by whom, but the familiar has been excised from him. He could be anywhere right now, talking to anyone. All that we've worked for, all that I've sacrificed, incinerated in an instant. Tituba: Calm yourself and help me. Mary: Mutare, et notum sumbotis. Tituba: Forma enim esse ostendit. Corpus, anima, mens. Lead me to the one I seek. [Owl screeches] The creature will lead me to him. With luck, I will find him quickly. Mary: And without it, we shall all burn. Increase: You take issue with my methods. I understand. What you need to understand is that everything I have done has been to make you worthy of the Mather name. Cotton: I loved her. Increase: Do not say that. Cotton: My silence does not make it untrue. Increase: One day, when you are governor of this great land, a man of power and a model of virtue, respected and feared in equal measure, you will trace it back to this day... Cotton: [Sighs] Increase: The day I removed temptation from your path. [Door closes] You there. Woman: Yes? Increase: Bring me some black tea, very strong, if you please. Woman: Mm-hmm. Increase: Are you not the young man who transported Mr. Sibley to Boston yesterday? Isaac: Isaac, sir. Increase: Isaac. Isaac: Mm. Increase: Boston and back? [Chuckles] Record time. You must be quite the horseman, Isaac. Isaac: No, I-I wouldn't say that. Increase: Well, tell me. Did the physician offer any insight into the patient's condition? Isaac: Physician? Increase: A diagnosis? Or a prognosis? Isaac: Um... No, I can't... Increase: Well, you did take Mr. Sibley to the hospital, did you not? What is it you are not saying? Isaac... look at me. Tell me the truth about your journey. The injured is due South, inland, on the wooded path to Boston. Hyah! Man: Clear the way. [Owl screeching] Mab: [Gulps] [Groaning] [Horse neighing] [Footsteps approach] George: Who's there? Show yourself. Who are you? Petrus: The name is Petrus. Not an hour ago, I spied you sleeping, and, seeing your grave wound, I have returned with medicinals. George: Stop. Not one step closer. [Groans] Petrus: But, sir, an infection has already taken root. George: Do not worry yourself. Aid is on the way. [Groaning] Petrus: But you are in pain, are you not? I have concocted a simple physic to ease your suffering. No creature, man or animal, should suffer as you do, sir. George: [Groans] Petrus: Please. [Gulps] [Coughing] What have you given me? [Gagging] Petrus: I am truly sorry, sir. She made me. Tituba: We will take him to your shack until the threat has passed. Did you really think it would be so easy to escape us, Mr. Sibley? Increase: There, up ahead! George? George? You're the servant? Tituba: Yes, sir, sent by Mrs. Sibley to retrieve her ailing husband. Increase: This is worse than I had feared. Tituba: Which is why he needs to be taken to hospital at once. Increase: No. It is not the injury that troubles me, but how he came by it. He sought to free himself from the witches' grip. Tituba: I do not understand. Increase: The man is not ill. He has been spelled. Might you know something about that? [Bell chiming] [Indistinct conversations] John: Miss Hale. Anne: Do you remember that afternoon in the graveyard, when you implied my father is not who he seems? John: Yes. Anne: Invite me inside, and I'll tell you why I agree. Mary: Tell me... where is Mr. Sibley? Tituba: We have a problem. Mary: That was not my question. Either you know where he is, or you don't. Tituba: I do know where he is, and that is the problem. The Reverend has deemed him a victim of witchcraft and has decided that George is to rest under his care. Increase: Quickly now. Make haste. Mary: My God. Tituba: Petrus' physic will last but a day. Increase: There. There. Tituba: And then Mr. Sibley will awake, lucid and eager. Mary: To tell Increase everything.

Plan: A: witch hunter Increase Mather; Q: Who is the feared witch hunter? A: no time; Q: What does Increase Mather waste? A: Salem; Q: Where does Increase Mather take control of the witch hunt? A: her husband; Q: Who does Mary fear Increase will discover has been spelled? A: Isaac; Q: Who does Mary enlist to help her? Summary: Upon his arrival, feared witch hunter Increase Mather wastes no time taking control of the witch hunt and Salem. Mary fears that Increase will discover her husband has been spelled, and enlists the help of Isaac to deter him from uncovering the truth.

BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian trains for his speech in front of the network people. JULIAN: I think the story needs to breathe... the small moments, the evolving relationships. I think it works even better if "an unkindness of ravens" is serialized. You know, make it a TV show instead of a movie. BROOKE: Isn't that a lot like "the creek"? JULIAN: Ah, to some degree, sure, but it'll have its own voice, find its own audience. Besides, all you people do is remake everything now, anyway. Okay, maybe I won't say that last part. BROOKE: Good. What about vampires? We were hoping for more of them in the pilot. We like vampires. And werewolves. We like werewolves. JULIAN: There's not gonna be any vampires or werewolves in this show. I might consider zombies. BROOKE: Hmm, and Nathan's meeting in act 4, where does that take place? JULIAN: They're not gonna ask me that. BROOKE: But if they do, where does it happen? JULIAN: A conference room. BROOKE: Hmm. You might want to go with something a little sexier. Like a hot tub. JULIAN: Wow. This has been a really great meeting. BROOKE: Mm-hmm. Can you tell me more about the stunning, some might say brilliant, character of Brooke Davis? MEETING Julian tells his speech. JULIAN: She's pivotal. Brooke's heart is so vulnerable, and that's why she's so central. That's why the audience will root for her. They'll identify with her... her mistakes, her victory, her heartache. MAN: That's our feeling, as well. WOMAN: And Nathan's meeting in act 4... where does that take place? JULIAN: Uh, a conference room. Or I was thinking it might be cool if it was in a hot tub. MAN: Nice. BURNING BOAT FESTIVAL Brooke comes with her mum to put some stuff in the boat. BROOKE: I feel like such an idiot! I actually believed he wanted things to be different. VICTORIA: Look, your father's very reliable in his unreliability. BROOKE: I think we need to start putting air quotes around "father" from now on. What he did is unforgivable. VICTORIA: He's misguided, but maybe you should hear him out. I mean, if nothing else, it's always amusing listening to him, you know, try to explain himself when he's twisting in the wind. BROOKE: Mother, you are the one who warned me not to trust him in the first place. VICTORIA: Yeah. BROOKE: And, besides, that's what the burning boat festival is all about... getting rid of bad choices and bad luck and bad karma. Since I can't throw Ted in the boat, the golf clubs he bought for me are gonna have to do. Will you help me with these? VICTORIA: I've always hated golf. NALEY'S HOUSE Haley trains for the speech for tonight. HALEY: Welcome, everyone, to the 93rd annual burning boat festival. I want to thank the organizers for asking me to host this year. It's a great honor to follow in the footsteps of red legner, principal Turner, and coach Whitey Durham. And now I would like to say a few words before the boat... Before the boat... The boat... All right, well, it's just a rough draft. Yeah. You miss daddy and Jamie? I know. Me too. Well, they're having some guy time right now, so it's just us girls for right now, okay? Here. Give me five. Yeah! RIVERCOURT Mouth is running and guys plays basketball. ANTWON: Wicked! Look at this! Mouth McFadden stepping on the court, ladies and gentlemen. He's a shadow of his former self, which in this case is a damn good thing. MOUTH: Ah, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And welcome to the new and improved Marvin McFadden. He's been running, he's been training... push-ups, sit-ups, more push-ups. He's slim. He's trim. He's... Completely exhausted. SKILLS: But you look good, though. FERGIE: Hard work pays off. JUNK: Guess I'm the fattest guy in Tree Hill. SKILLS: Those are abs! Whoo! MOUTH: Ah! CLINN'S HOUSE Clay prepares Logan's new bedroom. QUINN: Wow. CLAY: Hey. What do you think? QUINN: I think someone's nervous about Logan's first sleepover. CLAY: I just want everything to be perfect. QUINN: He's gonna love this. I mean, how could he not? CLAY: Check it out... so, I've got a chest over there for his toys and his sports equipment. And this is his comic-reading corner. Complete with reading light and a stack of new comics. QUINN: You did a great job, honey. CLAY: You don't think I forgot anything? QUINN: Hmm... Maybe one thing. My sisters always teased me because I put up my pictures in the hotel room when we'd go on family trips. But I never really felt at home without pictures of people around me that I loved. CLAY: Are you sure? QUINN: Of course. CLAY: I love you. You know that? QUINN: I was kind of hoping. LOCAL/BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian calls Brooke. JULIAN(at phone): Baby, they bought it. And even more than that, they understand what it can be... a show that's not afraid to be quiet or heartfelt. You know, a show that's romantic and sexy and makes you feel like you're not alone. And let me tell you something else. They loved the hot tub. Ooh-hoo. WOMAN: Congratulations. JULIAN: Thanks. BROOKE(at phone): You did it. Your daddy did it. I am so proud of you. JULIAN(at phone): Well, thanks, but maybe you should be proud of me once they agree to make the TV script I haven't finished writing yet. BROOKE(at phone): They will. And you will. Now, when are you coming home? JULIAN(at phone): I leave tonight. BROOKE(at phone): I was hoping we could celebrate. Maybe in the bath tub? JULIAN(at phone): I'll get an earlier flight. And, Brooke, thank you. BROOKE(at phone): For what? JULIAN(at phone): For all of it. For... Inspiring me, for being patient with me. For believing in me. I love you. BROOKE(at phone): It's easy to believe in you, Julian Baker. Now come home. I'm proud of you, and I love you. We all do. Say, "good job, daddy." BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian is back. He tries to write the pilot. JULIAN: No. BROOKE: What's wrong? JULIAN: I've got a draft. It's okay. I just don't know if it's working. BROOKE: How come? JULIAN: I just feel like something's missing. I wish I could have been there so I could really understand, you know? Good talk, Russ. BROOKE: Okay. This will help you. It's my diary... volume 4, ages 15 to 18. I used to tell everyone I didn't keep a diary, but it's just 'cause I didn't want anyone to find it. JULIAN: Whoa. BROOKE: No. Just so you know, I have never been more vulnerable. So you're not allowed to tease me or stop loving me, depending on what you read in there. JULIAN: Okay. Thank you. BROOKE: Here you go. JULIAN:What's that? BROOKE: Just a boring entry about me and Peyton... JULIAN: Don't do that. BROOKE: ...going fishing. JULIAN: Let me see. BROOKE: No. It's irrelevant. JULIAN: Give that back. BROOKE: No, it's... it's boring. JULIAN: Spit it out! BROOKE: No! JULIAN: Spit it out! CLUB TRIC Chase works, Haley takes a while. CHASE: Hey, Haley. HALEY: Hi. CHASE: How's Nathan? HALEY: Oh, thanks for asking. He's good. Well, he's better. Let's just say there's gonna be some bad stuff to throw on the burning boat this year. CHASE: Oh, yeah, I was thinking about throwing in my discharge letter from the air force. That way my dreams of being a fighter pilot can go up in real and metaphoric smoke at the same time. I'm sorry, that sounded bad. It's not a cry for help. HALEY: No, I'm really sorry that everything worked out the way it did. At least it was because you were doing the right thing, though. I'm really proud of you standing up for Chuck. And you can still be a commercial pilot, right? CHASE: Sure, when I figure out how to pay for the rest of my classes. Which I'm not gonna be able to do as long as I'm a bartender. HALEY: I thought you were a bar manager. CHASE: Ah, let's be honest, Haley. I'm a bartender who locks up at night. HALEY: Well, I know things are tough, but if it makes you feel any better, this place really wouldn't be the same without you. CHASE: Yeah. Who else could have invented the brain blasr? Totally not a cry for help. Sorry. RIVERCOURT Mouth work on his laptop and Millicent joins him. MILLICENT: Hi. MOUTH: Hi. MILLICENT: Working on your blog? I was. MOUTH: Now I'm checking out my beautiful girlfriend. MILLICENT: Aw. Marvin... Have you been happy on the show lately? MOUTH: Of course. I get to work with my girl. MILLICENT: Very good answer. But, honestly, your blog, the rivercourt, all these memories coming up about Jimmy... don't you think it means you miss sports? MOUTH: I do miss it. And I miss Jimmy. But I would never drop the ball on our show. MILLICENT: Sports analogy. MOUTH: Even if I wanted to, how would I do it without ruining "mouth and Millie in the morning"? MILLICENT: Because we'd find a replacement anchor for you. MOUTH: "We"? MILLICENT: I already talked to Jerry about you hosting a sports show. MOUTH: You talked to Jerry about firing me? MILLICENT: Don't be a dork! It's what you love to do. If you don't want to, then we'll work together every day, and I'll love it, but if you do, as much as I'll miss spending my days with you, I'll love spending my nights with you. MOUTH: I love you, Millicent Huxtable. MILLICENT: Are those abs? MOUTH: Oh, that's right. That's a, uh... a two-pack right there. MILLICENT: Wow. MOUTH: I can't believe you talked to Jerry about firing me. MILLICENT: Shut up. CLINN'S HOUSE Logan discovers his new bedroom. CLAY: All right. What do you think, Logan? LOGAN: I like it. It's really, really cool. QUINN: Clay picked out all those planes himself. CLAY: That's an f-35 stealth fighter. LOGAN: Sure. I know. CLAY: Yeah? Well, check this out. QUINN: Hey, everything okay, pal? LOGAN: I've never been this close to the ocean before. CLAY: Well, you want to go down to the beach and see it? LOGAN: Not really. Does it ever get any closer? CLAY: Uh, well... The tide rises. But that's no reason to be scared of it. °You know that, right? LOGAN: I guess. CAFE Julian reads Brooke's diary. BROOKE(Voice-over): My parents don't see me, and when they do see me, it's only because they're angry about something. My dad golfs, and my mom shops, and I can't remember the last time we laughed together... Or just sat quietly together. I'd like to just sit with them, be a family, hear them say they love me. I see my friends, and they seem to have real families. FLASHBACK, BROOKE'S HOUSE Victoria and Ted argue, Brooke writes into her diary. VICTORIA: You're never home with your daughter or your wife! TED: How can you say that?! How can you say I'm never here?! VICTORIA: Cause you never are! What kind of husband are you?! TED: Well, what do you think I'm trying to do?! I'm trying to make a living for you! I'm trying to make a living for her! VICTORIA: Please! TED: Well, have you ever thought about how you treat me as a man? Huh? VICTORIA: Oh! Have you ever thought about how you treat me as a woman?! Yeah, if you acted like more of a woman... if you were a man... TED: You are so frigid, how can I actually act like a man? BROOKE(voice-over): And maybe everything isn't as nice as I imagine, but... VICTORIA: Frankly, because you make me sick! TED: Oh, I make you sick! Why would I make you sick?! VICTORIA: Because you are sickening! Stay out there! Stay out! BROOKE(voice-over): I feel like they have more love around them than I do. And that's more disappointing than I have words for. There's this thing called the burning boat festival coming up. We do it every year, and this year I can tell my mom wants to throw in my dad and my dad wants to throw in my mom. And me? I'd be happy to Chuck the whole thing in. HOTEL ROOM Brooke comes to see her mother. BROOKE: Mom? VICTORIA: Oh! Brooke! Uh, uh... I wasn't expecting you. BROOKE: I'm sorry. I just wanted to go over some new ideas. VICTORIA: Oh. Oh, ideas, yeah. Well, there's no idea like some new ideas. What were you thinking? BROOKE: Oh, were you napping? I can come back LA... oh, my God. That's not nap hair. That's "my mom was doing someone in the middle of the day" hair. VICTORIA: Don't be so melodramatic. Do have s*x from time to time. BROOKE: I'm sorry. I-I'll come back. TED: Where'd you go, you hot... (Her father gets out the bath room) BROOKE: Oh! TED: Oh. Hi, cookie. BROOKE: Oh, my God. Dad? Oh, my God! Oh, my... oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! TED: Funny. That's what you were just saying. BROOKE: Oh, my God! VICTORIA: Oh, my God. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke is still upset. BROOKE: Oh, my God! I'm gonna stab out my eyes! How do you unsee something?! JULIAN: What happened? BROOKE: I just walked in on my parents... Having s*x. JULIAN: What? I thought your parents hated each other. BROOKE: They do! Oh, my God. It was foreplay for hate s*x. Oh, gross! This is a nightmare! You can't poke your mind's eye out. JULIAN: Do they even realize they've ruined another company of yours? BROOKE: Of course not. Let's recap. My dad screws me over, my mom screws me up, at which point, they start screwing each other, and now I give up. JULIAN: I don't. BROOKE: Well, where are you going? JULIAN: Your mom asked me why I gave Ted a free pass. That's feeling like a pretty great question right about now. BROOKE: Make sure you knock. Ugh! CLUB TRIC Chase deletes some pictures of his ex. CHASE: Huh. Mnh-mnh Oh, come on! I-I'm not dating girls. I don't like them, I'm not interested in them, and definitely not twins. GIRL: Whatever. CHASE: Perfect. GIRL2: You're scrawny. TV SET Kylie comes in to be casting. KYLIE: Mouth. Hi. MOUTH: Kylie. H-hey. Um, are you coming in for the co-anchor position? KYLIE: Yes. Today is my big try-out audition thingy. Any advice? MOUTH: Uh, don't get fat. KYLIE: Bite your tongue. MOUTH: I'm sorry. It was a personal problem. Hey, um, not to be rude, but I thought your visa expired. KYLIE: Oh, well, you'll find I'm full of surprises. For instance, expanding my dating pool to homeland security. JERRY: Kylie? KYLIE: That's me. I'm off. Up the irons. JERRY: Hi. I'm Jerry. I'm the station manager. KYLIE: Oh, the handsome ones are always in charge. BEACH Clay helps Logan to get in the ocean. CLAY: I got you covered, Logan. It's gonna be okay. Trust me. LOGAN: This from the guy who wanders around. I don't want to. CLAY: Oh, that's okay. We don't have to. BURNING BOAT FESTIVAL Haley makes test, Skills is here to put some stuff in the boat. HALEY: Testing. Testing. Yeah. Antwon. SKILLS: What up, Haley James Scott? What's good with you? HALEY: Skills, what are you doing? SKILLS: Oh, man, I got these old CDs. And since Jamie ain't want them and the goodwill won't take them, I figure, hey, burning boat. HALEY: Yeah, but it's not a landfill. I mean, it's supposed to be for people with real problems. SKILLS: I got real problems. Nobody will take these. HALEY: Yeah, but it's not about bad music. It's about bad choices. SKILLS: Oh, don't tell me about bad choices, cause I got a Lindsay Lohan album going on in here. HALEY: All right, well, if not for any other reason than to just save the ozone the plastic fumes, I'll take them to my place... Again. SKILLS: Oh, now we're talking. HALEY: Wow. I'm actually impressed. It looks like you've kept every CD you ever bought. Skills! SKILLS: Yeah, peace out. HALEY: No, no. Don't worry about me. I'll just take them to the car myself. SKILLS: Thanks, girl. HALEY: It's all good. HOTEL ROOM Julian comes to explain with Ted. TED: Julian. Would you like some coffee? JULIAN: No, I wouldn't. I came here to tell you that how you've treated Brooke is unacceptable. TED: I see. JULIAN: As her husband and the father of her kids, I'm not gonna let anyone... not even her father... put her in a corner. And just because I referenced "dirty dancing" doesn't mean I'm not serious right now. TED: Are you sure you don't want some coffee? JULIAN: No coffee. I don't want coffee. What I want is for you to wake up and fix things with your daughter. She gave you your 3,000th chance to be a decent dad, and you blew it again. TED: Anything else? JULIAN: Yeah. One thing. What kind of guy tells his 15-year-old daughter who's about to go to a dance that her dress makes her look thick? If you want to know the answer, it rhymes with "thick." It's dick, Ted. You're a dick. You should be ashamed of yourself. CLUB TRIC Chase talks with twins. CHASE: Some write novels. Some play in the NBA. Then there's the kind of person that works crappy hours while listening to people whine and then cleans up after them. Guess which one I am. GIRL: The kind who talks too much? CHASE: This place sucks. GIRL2: This place is cool. GIRL: Totally. GIRL2: You... not so much. GIRL: Yeah. Open your eyes, scrawny. CLINN'S HOUSE Logan is in his bedroom and he sees by the window. Clay and Quinn see him. CLAY: Logan? What are you doing up, buddy? LOGAN: The ocean's getting closer. QUINN: I promise you the ocean won't swallow you up. Come here, bud. CLAY: Well, you know you can always come get us if you can't sleep, right? LOGAN: Yeah. ♪ I woke up this morning ♪ QUINN: Do you miss your grandparents' house? LOGAN: I guess. QUINN: Is that the only place you can sleep? LOGAN: I like to sleep there. And, well, camping. Clay, Quinn and Logan camp in the living room. CLAY: All right. You good? LOGAN: Good. Grandma and grandpa says that my mom watches over me while I'm asleep to make sure nothing bad happens to me. CLAY: Yeah, well, they're right about that. Now me and Quinn are gonna watch over you, too. LOGAN: Okay. QUINN: It's kind of dark. Do you want a night-light? LOGAN: I can just use my power ring. CLAY: Nice. Keeping it real with the D.C. QUINN: All right, sleep tight. We'll be right here. NALEY'S HOUSE Haley plays with Lydia. HALEY: Where did the cat go? BRULIAN'S HOUSE Victoria and Ted visit Brooke. BROOKE: Well, if it isn't the parents of the year. VICTORIA: I knew we'd get an insult. I just thought it would be wittier. BROOKE: Are you kidding?! I'm lucky in put a sentence together. I have posttraumatic stress disorder from catching you two doing it. VICTORIA: That's better. TED: Brooke, I am very sorry how I handled things with Baker man. BROOKE: You should be. VICTORIA: But you don't know all the facts yet. BROOKE: Oh, I do know the facts. If you remember, you had the housekeeper explain them to me when I was 11. VICTORIA: Well, Esmeralda always had a very gentle way about her. TED: Brooke, you might not like what we did, but we're your parents, and I think you should give us a chance to explain. VICTORIA: Your father came to me right when you kicked him out of the house. And for once, he was genuinely remorseful. In fact, I could almost see a glimpse of the selfless and caring man I once knew. And it turned me on. Anyway, after we... BROOKE: Oh, my God. It's worse than hate s*x. It was pity s*x. VICTORIA: After we talked, we both decided that Ted should not sell the company. BROOKE: What? VICTORIA: Baker man. It's a good idea, and it's yours. So we bought out the investors. BROOKE: One more time. What? TED: I want to run the company with you and your mother... the three of us. But either way, it's your company. BROOKE: Wh...why? TED: 'Cause that's what our daughter wished for. If you want to discuss it further, your mother and I will be at the burning boat festival. VICTORIA: We have a date. TED: And Julian...I-I'm really happy that my daughter has you in her life. JULIAN: Thank you. BROOKE: Oh. Ew. What just happened? JULIAN: I think you just got your company back. BROOKE: Yeah. Who were those people? JULIAN: Those were your parents. It's good to meet them. BROOKE: Oh! Stop! RIVERCOURT Haley is sitting on a table and writes her speech. Brooke joins her. BROOKE: I brought you a croissant from Karen's. HALEY: Oh, you're the best. Thank you. That's perfect timing. I'm starving. BROOKE: How's the speech coming? HALEY: Um, not bad. It helps being out here. You know, this is the exact bench that I sat on with Lucas our junior year, watching the burning boat. BROOKE: Really? HALEY: Yeah. God, things were so different then. I was so different. I remember lying to Lucas that night about tutoring Nathan. BROOKE: I always thought you were an underrated troublemaker. HALEY: Uh, anything I learned, I learned from the master, by the way. BROOKE: Thank you. Just passing down my wisdom. How's Nate? HALEY: He is so good. He went camping with Jamie. BROOKE: You're amazing. He was gone so long. I don't think I could let him out of my sight. HALEY: I know, but he wasn't just gone from me. He was gone from Jamie. Especially after Dan's funeral, I just think he... I think Jamie needed him more than I do right now. BROOKE: Yeah. I am jealous of that little boy for having such incredible parents. HALEY: I take it things aren't going very well with your mom and dad. BROOKE: Actually, they're going strangely well. HALEY: Yeah? BROOKE: I want to give them another chance. But every time I do, they make me feel like a fool. HALEY: Well, you're not a fool. You're... listen, my mom used to say love means giving chances when there's no more chances left to give. BROOKE: Hmm. HALEY: I know that wears better as the title of a country-Western song than it does a piece of life wisdom, but I think she was right. BROOKE: Thanks. TV SET Show is starting. MAN: Two minutes! KYLIE: I think I might be freaking out a bit. I am. I'm definitely freaking out a bit. MILLICENT: You're gonna be fine, Kylie. KYLIE: Do you reckon there's time to go to the Loo? MILLICENT: Only if you go in your pants. That was a joke. KYLIE: Oh. WOMAN: We're on in 5, 4, 3... MILLICENT: Just say "w*nk*r" or "crumpets"... you know, that funny stuff you say. Welcome to "Millie and Kylie in the morning." I'm your host, Millicent Huxtable, and this morning, I'm welcoming a new co-host. Hi, Kylie. Tell us a little bit about yourself. KYLIE: w*nk*r. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke read the script for the pilot. BROOKE: It's good. It's really, really good. I didn't think you could get any sexier, Mr. Baker. But wow. My favorite part is the addition of the Julian character to Tree Hill high. JULIAN: I thought maybe it was too much. BROOKE: No. I wish you'd been there for real. My life would have been so much better. And I really like the way you're writing Brooke. JULIAN: Well, I guess I haven't told you this, but I kind of like that character. BROOKE: Do you think the audience will? She's kind of a hot mess. JULIAN: Considering how she always gets up no matter how many times she's knocked down, it's a pretty safe bet. BROOKE: Thanks. JULIAN: Do you think Julian making the winning shot was too much? BROOKE: No, I loved it. JULIAN: I want to tell the story... your story. I want to do it justice. BROOKE: You will. When does the network decide? JULIAN: Any time now. BROOKE: Well, the boys are asleep for another 45 minutes. So why don't I help distract you? CLUB TRIC Haley makes Chase a surprise. HALEY: Check it out. Can you believe this? It's Tric's 10th anniversary. CHASE: No way. That's so cool. This place deserves a 10-year-anniversary concert. HALEY: Yes, it does. I thought you were down on the bar. What changed? CHASE: I gave it some thought, and it's not so bad. Tric's always been there for me, you know? No matter what. Heck, I even had one of the best thanksgivings of my life here. Just me and this place and a Turkey-and-stuffing cocktail. HALEY: Gross. CHASE: I always come back here. It's my home. Plus, at the end of the day, this place... It's pretty cool. HALEY: Yeah. You're right. This place is cool. CHASE: Now, I can't take credit for it. I was visited by angels. Snotty, sarcastic, identical-twin angels. But still... No, really. BEACH It's turn for Quinn to helps Logan for his fear. QUINN: You know, Logan, I was scared of the ocean, too. LOGAN: You were? QUINN: Yeah, the ocean represented, you know, things that I couldn't face, the unknown. But once I started to get into the water, some of those fears just disappeared. LOGAN: I don't think that's it. QUINN: What do you think it is? LOGAN: Sharks, jellyfish, sea monsters. QUINN: Oh. Well, what do you say you come in the water just this once, and we'll go get ice cream. LOGAN: Okay! QUINN: Oh. Nice! Aah! Come on! All right, buddy! Look at him! Look at him! Show him! Hi, dad! Ta-da! Come on! CLAY: That's awesome! TV SET Mouth and Millicent talk with Jerry about Kylie. JERRY: She's not that bad. Look, once she stopped swearing, she seemed to hold her own pretty well. MILLICENT: Jerry, we all want her to work for all of our sakes, but she almost passed out on the air twice. And she took a phone call from her mom on the air. MOUTH: Look, all we're saying is maybe you should be looking for a replacement anchor in case she doesn't work out. MILLICENT: Maybe somebody who didn't flirt with you to get the job. JERRY: Now, that is outrageras. All right, I'm offended. (Kylie enters in the office) KYLIE: Jer bear? Can I have a new makeup girl? Mine smells of carrots. JERRY: I'll see what I can do. KYLIE: Thanks, baby. Oh. I'll see you tonight? Mm-hmm. Okay. Bye. MILLICENT: Bye. MOUTH: You were saying, jer bear? JERRY: All right, it is completely innocent. But I like the attention. MILLICENT: Jerry, don't you want to be with someone who likes you for you? JEERY: Have you seen me? Have you seen her? Look, people who like me for me look too much like me. Fine. You two want to find a replacement anchor, be my guest. MILLICENT/MOUTH: Skills. SOUND STAGE Brooke visits Julian at work. BROOKE: Hi, husband. JULIAN: Hi, wife. BROOKE: So, what did you want to show me? JULIAN: Come here. I got the sets all figured out. This is Peyton's bedroom. This is the school hallway. BROOKE: Okay. JULIAN: And back here is Whitey's office. And this is where Brooke and Julian film their s*x tape. BROOKE: Oh. JULIAN: The one and only s*x tape she ever makes. BROOKE: Yeah? JULIAN: I'm ready to tell this story. BROOKE: I hope they like the script. JULIAN: They did. I just got the call from my agents. We start casting next week. BROOKE: Ah! Ha! BURNING BOAT FESTIVAL Crew is going to shoot the report. MOUTH: It'll work. If it doesn't, I'll step in as co-anchor, but it'll work. SKILLS: Oh, it's gonna work. Here I come, Tree Hill. This is the time, and this is the place, and I'm about to kill it like a nasty-ass honey badger. WOMAN: And we're live in 5, 4... MOUTH: He'll be great. MILLICENT: Welcome to a special segment of "mouth and Millie in the morning." Well, "Millie in the morning." Just not in the morning. Anyway, here with me today is my new co-anchor, skills Taylor. How's it going, skills? SKILLS: w*nk*r. No, I'm just playing. What's up, Tree Hill? It's mills and skills, and we here all night and all morning, and we about to burn this boat down like Detroit after the championship. MILLICENT: But first, let's check in with our new traffic chick, Kylie. KYLIE: It's bloody trafficky, Tree Hill. MOUTH: Dude. JERRY: I'm weak. Chuck brings some stuff, he is with Chase. CHUCK: Holy... CHASE: Chuck! CHUCK: Huh. Hey, chase. CHASE: You got some stuff for the burning boat? CHUCK: Yeah, I was thinking about burning some of the stuff my dad left. CHASE: Just thinking about it? CHUCK: Well, part of me wants to keep it, I guess. You think that's wrong? CHASE: Not at all. You can always hang on to them. There's next year's burning boat, right? CHUCK: Cool. Good idea. I brought some action figures and fireworks, just in case I change my mind. No way I'm letting a burning boat festival go to waste. CHASE: Go for it. Here. CHUCK: Oh, thanks. Brooke puts her diary in the boat. JULIAN: I'm sorry it was so hard for you, Brooke. You didn't deserve it. BROOKE: Well, no one does, but it all worked out in the end. I have you, and we have the boys, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Hmm. I'm reminded lately that I'm still the little girl in this diary. And part of me always will be but since I shared it with you, I think I like your version better CLINN'S HOUSE Logan is ready to go to bed. QUINN: You know, you were brave for going into the ocean, Logan. I'm so proud of you. CLAY: I'm proud of you, too, buddy. BURNING BOAT FESTIVAL Haley makes her speech. HALEY: Good evening, and welcome, everyone. Well, we all have things that we regret, and we all have things for which we are remorseful. The burning boat festival is our city's time-honored tradition of letting go and giving yourself a second chance. I think we all need those from time to time, right? So I say we take all those failures and let-downs and burdens, and let's torch them! What do you think? All right! Mouth thanks Millicent. MOUTH: Thank you so much, Millie. You're so patient and loving. Gave me something I didn't even know I needed. I love you. MILLICENT: I love you, too. I'm so happy you're happy. Haley turns with Chase. HALEY: Hey. CHASE: Hey. HALEY: How's it going, buddy? CHASE: Fine. Yeah, in fact, I feel pretty good. Think things are gonna work out. HALEY: Yeah, I think they are, too. What would you say if I told you that Tric could be all yours? I talked to Karen. And she's willing to sell you the bar. CHASE: Wow. That... that sounds incredible. But can I pay for it in magic beans? I'm broke, Haley. HALEY: Yeah. I've got an idea about that, too. CLINN'S HOUSE Clay sleeps near to Quinn. CLAY: Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for sleeping in a tent and for going in the ocean. Whatever happened to immensity? QUINN: Immensity's not so scary when I have our family to help me face it. CLAY: "Our family." I like the way that sounds. I love you so much, Quinn. QUINN: And I love you. CLAY: We should get married. Want to? QUINN: What? CLAY: I haven't gotten you a ring yet. I'm sorry, but I want to marry you. I love you. Clutch move, kid. (Logan hears that and give his power ring) CLAY: Marry me, Quinn James. QUINN: Yes, of course I will. RIVERCOURT Brooke joins her parents who are sitting on the table for watching burning boat festival. BROOKE: This is chance number 3,001. Please don't let me down. TED: We won't. Now get over here. VICTORIA: So glad you're here. BROOKE(voice-over): I can't remember the last time we laughed together...Or just sat quietly together. I'd like to just sit with them, be a family... End of the episode.

Plan: A: the annual Tree Hill Burning Boat Festival; Q: What is Haley preparing to present? A: her father's betrayal; Q: What is Brooke trying to process? A: Julian; Q: Who tries to breathe new life into a past idea? A: morning; Q: What time of day do Mouth and Millie make a change to their show? A: Clay; Q: Who proposes to Quinn? A: the beach house; Q: Where do Clay and Quinn get ready for Logan's first night? A: Chase; Q: Who is offered to buy the bar? A: Dionne Warwick; Q: Who is the song named after? Summary: As Haley prepares to present the annual Tree Hill Burning Boat Festival, Brooke uses the opportunity to process her father's betrayal, while Julian tries to breathe new life into a past idea. Mouth and Millie make a change to their morning show, and Clay and Quinn get ready for Logan's first night at the beach house. Clay proposes to Quinn and Chase is offered to buy the bar. This episode is named after a song by Dionne Warwick and later Cilla Black.

Ted's kitchen Ted from 2030: Kids, when it comes to love, the best relationships are the ones that just come naturally. Ted: My first solo batch. Victoria: Um, I think those need to stay in the oven a while longer. Here's a professional tip. If it's still runny, it's not a cupcake. It's a beverage. Ted from 2030: Yeah, well, things with Victoria were fun, and easy, and uncomplicated. It was pretty great. (Barney arrives, while Marshall is coloring his butt) Barney: Um, are you coloring in your butt? Marshall: I have a big interview coming up, and my suit has holes in it. I can't sew, I don't own Navy boxers, so, yeah, I'm coloring in my butt. Barney: So wear another one. Marshall: I don't have another one. I'm flat broke. My only other suit options are track or birthday. Barney: Dude, you show up to an interview in that, even the hippie lawyers from Granola Mountain Earth Pals will hackey sack you straight out the door. Marshall: Okay, it's the National Resource Defense Council, and it's my dream job. Except it's only an internship, and I won't be getting paid. Mostly getting people coffee. But the people I'm getting coffee for... their bosses are going to save the world. Barney: Okay, tomorrow... oh, and I should mention this is going to rock your world-- tomorrow I'm taking you to my personal tailor. Marshall: A tailor? Barney, I make negative $300 a week, and I need every negative penny of that for my wedding. Barney: Relax, my guy does everything for one third the cost. And there is no way you're getting married in that sarcastic-quotation-marks "suit." Tomorrow, noon, my tailor. Marshall: No thanks, dude. (Barney grabs Marshall's pants and tears them apart) Noon? Barney: Noon. See you then. The Bar Victoria: Hey, girls. Robin and Lily: Hey. Victoria: Hey. I'm on my way to meet Ted. It's our two monthiversary, so we're going out to dinner. Robin: Great! Well, that answers all the questions I didn't ask. Lily: Robin! Robin: Oh, come on. We bust on each other. We're just at that place in our strong friendship. Victoria: Really? Oh. Robin: Get off me. Oh, see? I did it again. Victoria: What are you guys up to? Oh, dress shopping. You know, I make wedding cakes for a lot of fancy bridal shops. If you want, I could take you shopping, maybe get you a discount. Lily: Really? That'd be great. Victoria: Yeah. Huh. I should take this. Hello. Robin: Hey, I thought it was going to be just us tomorrow. What's with inviting Punky Brewster? Lily: Robin, you've got to get over this Ted and Victoria thing. You had your chance, and now he's moved on. Can't you just be happy for them? Robin: The best I can give you is a fake smile and dead eyes. Lily: Sold. Victoria, what's wrong? Victoria: I've just been offered a fellowship at a culinary institute in Germany. The Bar Ted: Wait. Germany, Europe? Victoria: It's for two years. I figured I didn't have much of a chance, 'cause they don't let many Americans in, but... I'm in. Ted: So, this is the Europe Germany? Victoria: What other Germany would it be? Ted: The one in Epcot? Victoria: Ted. Ted: Sorry. Congratulations. Victoria: Thank you. I don't know if I'm going to go. Ted: Mm-hmm. And if you do, what does that mean for us? Victoria: I don't know. I just... I don't think that long distance really works for anyone. Ted: Oh, God, no. Long-distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college. Victoria: So, that leaves us with... Ted: Either you stay here, or we break up. Wow. Um, look, let's just see how things progress, and if by September, we still feel... Victoria: I have to leave on Monday. Ted: Monday, September the...? Victoria: Ted. Do you have any thoughts? Ted: Maybe we should each take some time to think about what we want. We'll meet up tomorrow to discuss it. Victoria: It's a date. Ted from 2030: And that's when things got complicated. Marshall is At Barney's tailor / Lily is shopping for her wedding dress with Victoria and Robin Marshall: Hey, baby, how's the dress place? Lily: Everything's so fluffy and white. It's like shopping in a marshmallow. How's Barney's tailor? Marshall: Um, everything here is dark and sketchy and seems illegal. It's like shopping in Barney's mind. Lily: Well, good luck, baby. Marshall: Bye. Hey, Barney, I'm not sure about this. A tailor in the back room of a pet store? Barney: Look, do you want a quality suit and a free rabbit or not? Ted, Sergei says stop moping around. You're distracting him from his process. Marshall: You speak Ukrainian? Ted: Guys, I'm kind of screwed here. I don't want to lose Victoria, but I can't ask her to stay just for me. And long distance definitely isn't an option. Marshall: No. No, no, no. No way. You know who likes long distance? Girls. It's all talking and no s*x. Kill me now. Barney: Don't knock long-distance relationships. I really think they can work. Ted: Really? You? Barney: Absolutely. I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid, there's Erica in Tokyo, there's Laura in Denmark, and Kelly on 34th Street. The lass thinks I'm a humble sheep shearer from Killarney. Marshall: Ted, do you remember in college when Lily did that summer art program in Paris? Ted: Yeah. Marshall: Well, she kept talking about this cheesy French guy, Gabriel. So, I went out to visit, and there was this party. And who shows up but Gabriel. And he's got this weak-ass, thin French moustache. I'm not much of a fighter, but I knew I could take this weird little dude. So, I took him aside, and I got all creepy quiet, I got the crazy eyes going, and I said, "You stay away from Lily, or I swear to God I'll eat that moustache right off of your ugly French face." Yeah. Yeah, he literally ran away. I think he was crying. I never told Lily about it. To be honest, I'm not very proud of it. To be even more honest, I am. Ted: Um, other than confirming a lot of European stereotypes about Americans, did that little story have a point? Marshall: Yeah, the point is that even though Lily is my soul mate, long distance still almost killed us. If you think that there's any chance that Victoria is your soul mate, you should ask her to stay. Ted: Well, I don't know if she is. It's still so early, but yeah, she could be. Marshall: Oh, please. You barely know this girl. What's her favorite color? Is she a cat person or a dog person? Is she open to a three-way? Ted, I do more research than this before buying a cell phone. FYI, yes, I have three-way calling. Ted: Look, she can't be a cat person. I'm a dog person, I'm attracted to other dog people. Barney: Are you sure? Ted: All right. (He calls Victoria) Victoria: Hello. Ted: Hey, random question. How do you feel about cats? Victoria: Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal. Ted: Good to know. Um, okay. Good-bye. (He hungs up) She's a cat person. I don't know this girl at all. Barney: Oh, excellent. We'll take this one. Marshall: Whoa. Hey, hey, it's my suit. Shouldn't I be the one to choose? Barney: Here. Play with this pin cushion. Marshall: God. I'm going to look hot. Barney: Marshall, I can't let you waste a suit this nice fighting a losing battle for our planet's survival. This is a suit for winners. I am getting you an interview at my office. We need good men like you in our legal department. We get sued a lot. Marshall: No way. The Kid does not sell out. Barney: Oh, come on, dude! Three months working with me, you'll make more than Lily makes in a year. Marshall: No. I've made my decision. Ted: So have I. If I ask this girl to give up her dreams for me, and two weeks later, it's not working out, I'm, like, the biggest jerk of all time. It's just too much pressure on a new relationship. I'm going to tell her to go. In a restaurant Ted from 2030: And so I met her that night to tell her my decision. Victoria: All right, I've been thinking a lot about this... Okay, wait, before you say anything, I wanted to give you this. This is what happens when you, you know, let them finish baking. Ted: I want you to stay. At the Tailor / At the wedding shop Marshall: Everything here is dark and sketchy and seems illegal. It's like shopping in Barney's mind. Lily: Oh, good luck, baby. Marshall: Bye. Woman: Now, what sort of dress did you have in mind, dear? Lily: Nothing too huge or-or poofy. I'm not really a girlie girl. But I would like to look like a beautiful princess. Robin: I saw a couple up front that were nice. By the window? No offense, dear, but those are a little out of your price range. Lily: Where does she get off? She doesn't know how much money I make. Victoria: Oh, these women are experts. They can guess your net annual income just by looking at your underwear. Lily: Damn you Old Navy and your reasonably-priced three-packs! Victoria: At least we get free champagne! Robin: And cake. Victoria: Mm-hmm. Robin: Speaking of which, Victoria, have you decided what to do about your doughnut fellowship? Victoria: You know, I don't know. I mean, I want to go, but I don't want to lose Ted. I even thought about long distance, as if that ever works. Lily: Ugh. All talking and no s*x. Kill me now. Victoria: I know it sounds lame, but I actually think that Ted might be The One. That's pretty hard to walk away from. Robin: Well, I don't know. I'd feel a little Stepford turning down a huge opportunity to chase some guy I'd only known two months. Victoria: But this isn't just some guy. This is Ted. He's amazing. He's the best guy I know. Robin: Yeah, in America, but German guys? Whew! I would let them bread my schnitzel any day, if you know what I mean. Victoria: I really don't... Robin: s*x. Oh, excuse me, ma'am. This b*st*rd's kicked. Woman: Thanks. Victoria and Robin: Oh! Lily: It's okay, guys, I hate it. Victoria: Just horrible. Robin: It's bad, it's really bad. Short in front, long in the back? That is the mullet of wedding dresses. Lily: You know, Victoria, Marshall and I did long distance once. In college, I did an art course in Paris. I was the only American there. It was really lonely. I only had one friend, Gabrielle. She was kind of homely and strange-looking, and she was really self-conscious about this little moustache she had. Anyway, halfway through the semester, she just stopped talking to me, and I never figured out why. And then I had nobody. The only thing that got me through was knowing that my soul mate was back at home waiting for me. If Ted's your soul mate, then it may be worth it to hang onto him. Victoria: But how am I supposed to know if we're soul mates? It's too soon. Ooh. Speak of the devil. Hello. Ted: Hey, random question: how do you feel cats? Victoria: Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal. Robin: A cat person. Why am I not surprised? Victoria: Bye. Why does Ted want to know if I like cats? Lily: Maybe he's going to buy you one. Victoria: I did hear barking in the background. Maybe he was in a pet store. Does he want us to get a cat together? Robin: Maybe he's using an adorable kitty to guilt you into staying. Victoria: That is low. Do you really think that's what he's doing? Robin: Oh, I wouldn't even wait to find out. I would be on the next plane to Germany. Victoria and Robin: Aw. Lily: Oh, God, you guys are sucky liars. Robin: Ugly, ugly, ugly. Victoria: I don't know what to say. You know what? We're doing this all wrong. I am going to get you one of those front window dresses, just for fun. Lily: Are you okay? Robin: I'm fine. Lily: Okay. Just kind of seemed like you're trying to hustle Victoria out of the country. Robin: I'm not, I'm just trying to support her. She got a super-important dessert scholarship. Lily: Stop being sarcastic. It is a super-important dessert scholarship. Wow, that's hard to say without sounding sarcastic. Look... I know you're not Victoria's biggest fan, but she seems to make Ted happy. So think about that before you use your miles to buy her a plane ticket. Victoria: Somebody say "beautiful princess." Lily: Oh, my gosh, it's perfect! Oh! This dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night. Victoria: Oh, look how happy she is. You know, I've always thought of myself as one of those independent women who would never let any guy mess with my career. And now I'm actually thinking about it. I feel guilty, like it's un-feminist or something. Robin: I know what you mean. Victoria: You do? Lily: Well, I'm always putting my career ahead of my relationships, and... to be honest, there's a lot of lonely nights in that job description. Victoria: See, that's what I'm afraid of. Robin: Choosing Ted over your career doesn't make you un-feminist. Maybe it just means that you guys would be happy together. Victoria: Robin... I think that you are the coolest. I'm so glad that we're friends. Robin: Oh, no way... you're the coolest. Victoria: No, you are. Robin: Okay, I am. Victoria: I'm going to stay. Victoria and Robin: Aw. Lily: Oh, I am so beautiful! Oh, don't tell me how much it costs. Just snap my neck now, so I can die this pretty. Robin: Wow, you look incredible. Lily: Oh. Okay, okay, how much is it, on a scale of never to never ever? Robin: Never ever, ever, ever, ever... times infinity. Lily: Well, it's okay. You know, what makes a bride beautiful is that she's just happy to be getting married. (She sits on the cake, without noticing it) Oh, guys, I know I look amazing, but the important thing is that Marshall and I love each other, right? Robin: Yes, you're right. But also... you just sat down in the cake. Victoria: But, you know what? It's going to come out because it's only... chocolate and raspberry. Robin: Okay. Come on, get up, let us see how bad it is. (Lily stands up and tears the dress apart, the woman arrives at the same time) Lily: It was like this when I found it? Woman: And how will you be paying for this? Lily: Credit card... s. In a restaurant Victoria: I wanted to give you... this. This is what happens when you... you know, let them finish baking. Ted: I want you to stay. Victoria: I have to go to Germany. Ted: You're going? Victoria: Yes. I have to. Ted: So that's what you decided? Victoria: Well, no... I mean, I actually came here tonight leaning toward staying, but when you just told me to stay, it made me realize that I have to go. Ted: What is this, opposite day or something? Victoria: No. Ted: So it is? Victoria: Ted, we've only been dating for two months. I can't let you make this decision for me. Ted: I was totally going to tell you to go, but then you gave me this cupcake, and it reminded me how great you are. Victoria: Well, is there any chance that you would move to Germany with me? Ted: Well, that's just crazy. Victoria: Oh, okay. So it's fine for me to make sacrifices for you, but for you it's crazy. Ted: But you have a job here and a life; I'd have nothing there. Victoria: You'd have me. Ted: We've only been dating two months. Oh, it's not fair. It's not fair that we have to break up. I hate this. Victoria: So... we're breaking up? Ted: I guess so. I guess so. [SCENE_BREAK] At the appartment Marshall: God, that sucks, man. I'm so sorry. Ted: It was just too much pressure too soon. I mean, maybe it was silly to even think... Yes, Marshall, I see your new suit, and it's awesome. Marshall: Well, thank you for acknowledging it. It was weird that you hadn't. Look, I understand that you guys had to break up eventually, but why today? Ted: She's leaving tomorrow. Marshall: Yeah, but she's still in town. Ted: Yeah, she... she's still in town. Marshall: Yeah, so you spend one more amazing day together. Ted, think about it this way: if you knew that you were going to lose your leg tomorrow, would you sit on the couch and cry about it, or would you run, and jump, and do some awesome air kicks while you still could? Ted: Awesome air kicks, huh? Marshall: New pajama bottoms? Ted: You know it. The Bar Ted: So we can sit around and cry, or we can run, and do awesome air kicks before our leg gets chopped off. Victoria: Wait, so we're sharing the leg? Ted: No, the leg is a metaphor. Victoria: How could the leg be well enough to do awesome air kicks one day, and yet still so sick it needs to be chopped off the next? I don't know, Ted. Ted: Come on, we've had a good run. Why end on a fight? Victoria: Well, what would you want to do? Ted: Let's do all the stuff we talked about doing and never got around to. Victoria: Like go to the Mets. Ted: Yeah, we'll walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. Victoria: See some monkeys at the zoo? Ted: Go to that French-Vietnamese place we keep passing and say we want to try? Victoria: Wow! We better get going. Ted: Yeah, big day. Victoria: Yeah. Ted from 2030: And, kids, that's exactly what we did with our last day. The museum, the bridge, the restaurant, and all of those nice things. The Bar Robin: Lily, you have to tell him. That dress cost a fortune. Lily: No, I'm just gonna wait for the next time Marshall really screws up, and then, I'll just slip this in, and it won't seem so bad by comparison. Robin: Well, here's hoping he cheats on you. Lily: Yeah, but only, like, second base. Barney: Look at us: two guys in suits. You feel that slight tingle? That's every girl in the bar wanting you, and every guy wanting to be you. Actually, it's mostly me, but you're getting some of the splash. Marshall: Hey, babe. Dollar beer night, so I splurged and got us each our own. Barney: So, have you thought more about coming to work for Barney Corp? Marshall: Oh, please... your company is not called Barney Corp. Barney: Yet. Oh, I almost forgot. Sergei sent me your bill. Marshall: B... Barney, this says $4,000. I thought you said that it was one-third price. Barney: Yeah, must be a $12,000 suit. Oh, well, guess you'll have to come work at my company. Marshall: You set this up! You set this whole thing up! Barney: I most certainly did... Marshall: Well, it won't work. Even if I have to get two extra night jobs, I'll pay your precious tailor. I'm not selling my soul. Baby, I know that this will make things harder, but I will make it work, I promise. Lily: I destroyed an $8,000 wedding dress. Marshall: What time is the interview? Barney: 9:00 a.m., and you'll need new shoes. Don't worry, I know a guy. At the airport Victoria: I'm glad we got to spent the day doing awesome air kicks. Ted: Yeah, I was almost too tired for all the s*x. Victoria: I'm going to miss you so much. Ted: I'm going to miss you, too. Victoria: Hey, you know, I mean, if, when I get back, we're still single, we can... Ted: Even if we're not. Victoria: Okay. Ted: Look, I know it never works for anyone, but... do you want to try long distance? Victoria: Yes. Yes! Ted: We can beat the odds. Victoria: Odds, schmodds. Ted: It's gonna work. We're going to make it work-- it'll work. Ted from 2030: It didn't work. Long-distance was and is a terrible idea, a really terrible idea, just awful. But more on that later.

Plan: A: Victoria; Q: Who is offered a fellowship in Germany? A: a culinary institute; Q: What kind of institute is Victoria offered a fellowship at? A: Paris; Q: Where was Lily studying art? A: neither; Q: Did Marshall or Lily know the whole truth? Summary: Just as things are going well between Ted and Victoria, the latter is offered a surprising but incredible opportunity to be a fellow at a culinary institute in Germany. As the couple discuss the viability of long-distance relationships, Marshall and Lily reminisce about the time when Lily was studying art in Paris, but in telling their story, they discover that neither knew the whole truth.

THE WHEEL IN SPACE by DAVID WHITAKER from a story by KIT PEDLER first broadcast - 4th May 1968 running time - 23mins 50secs [SCENE_BREAK] 1. OPERATIONS ROOM (Everybody is running about as the crew awaits the order to destroy the Silver Carrier. We can hear the crew making checks before the laser is fired.) ENRICO: On Red band emergency frequency come in please. Come in please. Station Three to Silver Carrier, Station Three to Silver Carrier, On Red band emergency frequency come in please. JARVIS: All ready Leo? LEO: Yes sir, it's locked on now! JARVIS: That's good. You don't get much fun, better get used to it. LEO: Make a change from blasting meteorites would it? GEMMA: (From across the room.) Jarvis? JARVIS: Hold on a minute. Tanya, can we take a visual recording of it? TANYA: Yes sir, can do. LEO: Still no movement or radio signals sir. JARVIS: Put up the anti-magnetic shield Leo when I give you the word. LEO: Right. ENRICO: Still going to plan, sir. JARVIS: Good, I do an announcement of our operations. GEMMA: Before you do that Jarvis, can I have a word, it's important. (JARVIS and GEMMA move out of the room to go to JARVIS' office.) ENRICO: More bogeys! LEO: (To crew.) All systems on green stand-by! (He moves to have a quiet word with TANYA. TANYA notices the big grin that LEO is showing on his face.) TANYA: I don't know what you are grinning about. LEO: Neither do I. TANYA: It isn't funny Leo. The Controller's like a kid with a new toy. LEO: Oh, don't tell me you are going to be a old stick in the mud too? TANYA: If you are referring to Dr. Corwyn, she is known, she is no stick in the mud. She is perfectly right to be cautious. LEO: Come on, Tanya. It's off course about eighty million miles - there can't possibly be anyone alive on that thing. [SCENE_BREAK] 2. CABIN (On the Silver Carrier, JAMIE still stands and watches the Space Station through the observation port... The DOCTOR is still concussed... The DOCTOR turns over and falls off the bed causing something to fall over. JAMIE picks up the object and straightens the DOCTOR before going back to watch the WHEEL through the observation port..) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. JARVIS' OFFICE. (A big room showing off that whoever is in here is the boss. JARVIS is sitting down at his desk just holding on to his temper and GEMMA is trying to reason with him and not explode the already enraged Commander.) GEMMA: Yes, I know all that Jarvis. But we still can't be absolutely certain. JARVIS: Gemma, one thing that I beg of you - Don't subject me to psychoanalysis. You think I'm having a wail of a time don't you? All kids again - bang, bang, blow up the balloon! You wrong, you know. GEMMA: Am I? JARVIS: Say what you like, the Silver Carrier is a menace to the Wheel. Now surely you can see that? GEMMA: If you equate menace with automatic power drive, I don't. JARVIS: What else? GEMMA: You want me to believe that some emergency happened on the Silver Carrier. The pilot switched to automatic and then tragedy. JARVIS: Right. GEMMA: And all the crew died? JARVIS: Right again. GEMMA: Where was the Carrier bound for, Jarvis? JARVIS: Servicing Station Five. I told you. GEMMA: Then, isn't it be reasonable to assume that the automatic would take it to Station Five? (This catches JARVIS and makes him think.) JARVIS: Yes. That's a good reason. But you are forgetting the emergency. That could have damaged the control sensors. In fact, it must have done, which is why the rocket is so far off course. GEMMA: Assumption again, guess work. It would be so easy to check. (That provokes JARVIS again.) JARVIS: (Snarls.) We can't risk that rocket turning in on us. Don't you see? It would blast right through us! [SCENE_BREAK] 4. CABIN (JAMIE has a idea. He points the illuminated time vector generator and points it at the Wheel and starts pressing it. The generator sends out a signal which makes its way to the Wheel...) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. OPERATIONS ROOM (...which overloads the communications panel and causes the communications officer to tear off his headphones because of the loud feedback that he is now getting. Since the noise can now be heard from the communications panel this causes the officer to wither in agony and cry out because of the noise.) LEO: What the matter?! RUDKIN: Noise! Fantastic noise through my headphones. TANYA: Leo! The approach indicators are all at red! LEO: Of course it is! The green system's gone crazy! Tanya, get Dr. Corwyn. (To ENRICO while TANYA runs from the room.) Check emergency system yellow! (ENRICO checks his readings.) ENRICO: Emergency yellow negative. (A female crew member takes over the console.) CREW 1: Tell them I take over the telecommunications myself. LEO: Bill! BILL: Yo! LEO: Will you lie down there? (The Communications officer lies down.) ENRICO: Ea, Ea, Ea, I don't want to do that again. (LEO has been listening to the signals.) LEO: Hey, listen! (It now seems to be in a pattern.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. JARVIS' OFFICE JARVIS: Don't argue with me Gemma! The decision is mine! This station and the people in it are my responsibility. (TANYA rushes in.) TANYA: Rudkin hurt! GEMMA: What happened? TANYA: Colossal static pulses. It's swamping the detectors. JARVIS: It's the rocket. I knew that it was a menace. (Everybody dashes out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. CABIN (On the Silver Carrier JAMIE continues to press the button causing it to send the static pulses through space to the Wheel.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. OPERATIONS ROOM (JARVIS, GEMMA and TANYA rush back in.) JARVIS: All right Tanya, get back to the complex, see if you can pin this static down. (TANYA goes to the communications panel, taking over from the female officer.) JARVIS: Vallance, Casali, here. (To GEMMA who is examining the patient.) Well? GEMMA: Bad. JARVIS: Can you move him? GEMMA: Yes. JARVIS: Right. (To two officers.) You two, take him to the Medical Bay. (They pick up the patient.) GEMMA: Gently with him now. (GEMMA, two officers and the patient leave the room.) JARVIS: (To room.) Your attention. That rocket is giving us enough trouble. Bill, knock it out. BILL: Right. TANYA: Controller! JARVIS: Yes, what is it? TANYA: The static, there is a signal on it! JARVIS: There can't be! (LEO has been listening to the static as well.) LEO: You're right Tanya. Get me a fix on that. TANYA: If I can. (She touches some controls.) TANYA: It's not any code that I've ever heard before, but there is definitely a repetitive order to it. LEO: It's no good using Radio or Radar. We will have to use Mini micro-form waves. JARVIS: You think that it is coming from the rocket? LEO: Just want to make sure that it's not coming from anywhere else. TANYA: The rocket. It is. JARVIS: You're sure? TANYA: Certain. I was fixed on it anyway. There's no doubt. JARVIS: Then somebody is on board. Phil! PHIL: Sir. JARVIS: I want two men to cross over. Organise it will you? PHIL: Right sir. JARVIS: Eighteen million miles off course. If there is life on board, it must be in a pretty bad way. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. CABIN (JAMIE still keeps an eye on the DOCTOR. Meanwhile two men from the Wheel have arrived. JAMIE sees them gesturing toward the front end of the ship toward the airlock and JAMIE hurries to comply. The men then enter the Silver Carrier.) JAMIE: Quick, I have somebody injured in here. (All three rush through into the Cabin.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. OPERATIONS ROOM (A little while later - the Space Wheel has returned to normal. LALEHAM now occupies the vacant seat of radio operator and is presently warning passing travellers of a meteorite storm and plotting alternate courses for the space traffic.) LALEHAM: Voyager five, codesign K-1 to 10-Q, confirm please, Station 3. VOICE: (OOV.) Receiving you, Station 3. Hello, Hello. LALEHAM: Light to medium meteorite storm cross your planned route between 13:00 and 14:00 hours. Co-ordinates: A-ALPHA 2710.4, B-BETA 4.7. Do you receive Voyager Five? VOICE: (OOV.) Yes, thank you for the information Station 3. LALEHAM: We have computed an alternative route for you Voyager Five. Stand by for instructions. (Meanwhile, LEO and TANYA get together for a talk.) LEO: How are the guests? TANYA: Dr. Corwyn's examining the older one now. They are both slightly in shock anyway. LEO: What's the story? TANYA: I don't know. Quite a mystery isn't it. LEO: Jarvis won't like that. What's that on green system three Chang? (CHANG, a Chinaman, looks up from his console.) CHANG: Very odd sir. Been getting one or two funny signs here and there, all the time. Soon as you check them out, they vanished. LEO: Put them in the log. OK? CHANG: Yes sir. It's as if a number of magnets was touching the outer skin of the wheel and then letting go. Argh, localised field effects, that's all. All detector fields are checked out sir. Can't be anything serious. LEO: Keep a log and let me know. CHANG: Right sir. LEO: (To TANYA.) More mysteries? TANYA: I know. (Her face is filled with anxiety which doesn't go unnoticed by Leo.) LEO: Something else worrying you, Tanya? TANYA: What about those sudden drops in air pressure levels? They were small enough and soon adjust themselves but... I didn't like it. LEO: How small? TANYA: Only a few millimetres. One degree sometimes one and a half. LEO: Hmm... some fault in the air supply unit. Or the pumps. TANYA: In so many different parts of the Wheel. LEO: Did you tell Jarvis? TANYA: (Half laughing.) Of course. He bit my head off. LEO: Have you tell... told Gemma Corwyn yet? TANYA: No, she was busy with the new arrivals. I didn't want to disturb her. LEO: Well, if I was you Tanya, I'd start a check on the whole air supply unit. TANYA: That's what I thought. Leo? LEO: Hmm. TANYA: None of these things - your system showing temporary faults, the air pressure levels. Well they all started with the rocket didn't they? LEO: What, do you think that there are little green men on board, do you? TANYA: Well, the two that they bought back weren't exactly normal were they? LEO: Well, I tell you what, hey. If you get scared, I'll let you hold my hand, OK? TANYA: (Half laughing.) I'm serious. LEO: (With a grin.) So am I. (TANYA's face is now in an affectionate smile which masks her continuing concern.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. EXTERIOR, THE WHEEL. (Meanwhile, the outside of the Wheel is once more under attack. A small egg-like bubble drifts through space, attaching itself to the outer rim of the space station.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. GEMMA'S OFFICE. (In GEMMA's office, which looks like a medical doctor's office, JAMIE is having a physical check-up from GEMMA. JAMIE has got his shirt open and GEMMA has got a stethoscope to his chest.) GEMMA: Breathe in again (JAMIE breathes in.) GEMMA: Out. (JAMIE breathes out.) GEMMA: And again please. (JAMIE breathes in again.) GEMMA: Out. (JAMIE breathes out again.) GEMMA: Now, I want you to take a deep breath and exhale as slowly as you can. (JAMIE does so.) GEMMA: Good. You can dress now. (GEMMA takes her stethoscope away and JAMIE starts to do up his shirt.) JAMIE: How about the Doctor? GEMMA: Concussion certainly. I am waiting for the X-Rays to see if there is any fracture. What were you both up to? JAMIE: Hey? GEMMA: Fancy dress or something. Your clothes? JAMIE: Look, have you ever thought what you look like walking down the street in those things. People would think you were a wee bit strange as well. GEMMA: I dare say. But I don't understand the analogy. We're both in space. It's you and your friend who aren't conforming to custom. JAMIE: How about the medical; do I pass? GEMMA: You'll do. If it's any comfort to you, you are in fine physical shape. (She takes out a form.) GEMMA: Can you give me your full name please? JAMIE: James Robert McCrimmon. Jamie. (GEMMA writes this down.) GEMMA: Thank you. And your friend? JAMIE: Err. The Doctor. GEMMA: I can't put that down. JAMIE: Err... (JAMIE is stuck but he is in luck. He spots the lid of Gemma's stethoscope box with the words "JOHN SMITH & ASSOCIATES" on it.) JAMIE: John Smith. GEMMA: (With a bemused look on her face.) Really? JAMIE: Aye. (GEMMA writes this down.) GEMMA: Dr. John Smith. (JAMIE spots the look on GEMMA's face.) JAMIE: They must be a lot of them about. GEMMA: I dare say. You were passengers aboard the Silver Carrier, were you? JAMIE: Err. Do you think that I can have a drink of water please? (GEMMA gets him the water.) GEMMA: What happened to the crew? JAMIE: I don't know. GEMMA: Could you go further than that? JAMIE: Well, I was... in the cabin you see. Terrible fever. Raving for days. (GEMMA sees that this is a lie. If JAMIE did have a fever, the medical would have shown it up.) JAMIE: Well, when I came to, the door was closed against us, the Doctor was hurt and your people came. GEMMA: All the communicating doors were closed against you? JAMIE: Aye. GEMMA: And your friend didn't tell you what happened? JAMIE: No. GEMMA: (Gives up.) All right Jamie. That would do for the present. The Controller will want to have a chat with you. We have to get you home somehow. JAMIE: Ah, that would be the day. (He sees GEMMA's inquizzable look.) JAMIE: Oh, of course. GEMMA: There should be another ship passing through in a week or two. JAMIE: Oh, can I go now? GEMMA: You didn't drink your water. JAMIE: No. That's all right. (He turns to leave.) GEMMA: Wait a moment. JAMIE: What? GEMMA: Would you like to see over the Wheel? I could arrange it for you if you like. JAMIE: Oh yes. There's nothing else to do. GEMMA: Well, if you go along the corridor, you will see a door marked Parapsychology Library. JAMIE: Para... what? GEMMA: It's on the other side of the wheel complex. About eight sections on. I'll tell Zoe to show you round. JAMIE: Zoe? GEMMA: She's our... Well the best way to describe her would be to call her our librarian. JAMIE: Zoe, you say? GEMMA: That's right. JAMIE: Oh, you will tell me what happens to the Doctor. GEMMA: Yes, of course. JAMIE: Thank you. (JAMIE leaves the room and GEMMA waits until he has gone and then patches through a visual link to the parapsychology library.) GEMMA: (Into communicator.) Parapsychology library. Dr. Corwyn calling. (An attractive young dark-haired girl in her late-teens/early-twenties answers her call.) ZOE: (OOV.) Parapsychology library. What reference do you require, Dr.Corwyn? GEMMA: No reference thank you Zoe. I need your help in another way. ZOE: (OOV.) Oh? GEMMA: One of the people retrieved from the rogue spaceship is coming to your section. I'd like you to show him over the Wheel and observe him. ZOE: (OOV.) Observe him? GEMMA: Discreetly of course. ZOE: (OOV.) Do you want these observations recorded? GEMMA: Yes please. ZOE: (OOV.) Hmm, should be interesting. Any facts known? GEMMA: Yes. He is a nice lad. His name's Jam... ZOE: (OOV.) Just a minute. (She interrupts to conclude the mental analysis of a half-solved problem. GEMMA patiently waits for her to finish.) ZOE: Sorry, I was halfway through a REA analysis when you came on. Right... [SCENE_BREAK] 13. CORRIDOR (JAMIE walks down the corridor searching for the right door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. LIBRARY. (He finds and walks into the circular room as Zoe is completing her delivery of information on nova star predominance.) ZOE: (Talking into microphone.) With the exception of the Hercules clusters. Confirmation of the information received that one of the stars in the Messa 13 group is entering the nova phase. This would be a repetition of the phenomenon observed in the Perseus cluster last week. Information of the gamma radiation level is available. (She notices that JAMIE has entered the room.) ZOE: Sorry. You must be... (She breaks off into uncontrollable giggles on seeing his attire.) JAMIE: Hey, what are you laughing at? ZOE: Your clothes. You're wearing female garments. JAMIE: Female?! Look I have you know this is a kilt. Have you never seen it before? ZOE: (To herself.) Kilt? Kilt. A barbaric form of garment as worn by a kiltie! Are you of Scandinavian origin? Danish? JAMIE: (Annoyed.) No I am not. I am a true bred Scot! And I just stand... ZOE: Oh, a Scot! Scotland, of course. Pre-century history isn't my field you see. JAMIE: Aye, maybe not, but just you watch you lip, or I'll put you across my knee and larrup you. ZOE: (Laughing.) This is going to be fun! I shall learn a lot from you. Come on James Robert McCrimmon, do you know anything about interstellar flora? JAMIE: (Lost.) Hey? [SCENE_BREAK] 15. POWER ROOM (The first stop on the tour is the Power Room where JAMIE is shown about by BILL DUGGAN.) BILL: And this is my little kingdom. (In the corner there is a greenhouse for various interstellar flowers.) BILL: Here, how do you like the Greenhouse? JAMIE: Oh, do you collect these? (BILL laughs.) BILL: No, they're floating seeds. The only place they flourish is down here in the power room. Of course, the old man kicked up a mad dust storm at first, but now Doc Corwyn said they was good psychology or something. Anyway, I just like flowers. Hey... (He points to one.) BILL: That one comes all the way from Venus. Imagine that. All that millions of miles away. ZOE: 24,564,000 miles at perihelion and 161,350,000 miles at aphelion. (This goes over JAMIE's head.) JAMIE: Oh, I was dying to know that. (BILL laughs and moves to a small machine fixed in the middle of the floor.) BILL: And this is the capacitor bank for the x-ray lasers. JAMIE: The what? BILL: Oh it controls the laser gun. Without it the gun's useless. JAMIE: What do you need a gun for up in space anyway? BILL: Self-defence. We can blot out any attacker up to ten thousand miles in any one direction. Good eh? JAMIE: Reassuring. BILL: And there are the anti-magnetic field generators. They can fend off even a medium-side meteorite up to 50 miles. JAMIE: You know Bill the Doctor will love all this. (This arouses ZOE's curiosity.) ZOE: This Doctor friend of yours. Is he a scientist? JAMIE: He is in a way I suppose, yes. ZOE: What's his speciality? JAMIE: His what? ZOE: Well, is he a physicist, biochemist, astronomer, biometrician. JAMIE: Yes, he is. BILL: Well, he certainly sounds a interesting character, this Doctor friend of yours. When is he going to be up and about? [SCENE_BREAK] 16. GEMMA'S OFFICE (That is the question being discussed by JARVIS and GEMMA. GEMMA is sitting on her chair behind her desk while JARVIS sits in her guest chair.) GEMMA: If he is just suffering from concussion, not too long. JARVIS: Oh, it doesn't tell me much. I want facts. GEMMA: I don't blame you. JARVIS: We've landed with a couple of strays. Panic, mysteries from the crew. The routine's getting shoddy and I don't like it. GEMMA: What panics? (JARVIS waves this off and stands up pacing about the room.) JARVIS: Oh, nothing, nothing. I'll tell you if it gets serious. People are just... edgy. Out in space, human beings have got to rely on routines, ordinariness. Confuse them and you got trouble. GEMMA: Yes. JARVIS: I'm used to emergencies. Trained in them. But these things... oh, I don't know... GEMMA: What you call mysteries? JARVIS: Exactly, Exactly. I don't want to know, Gemma. I don't want to know. Well... (He sits down again.) GEMMA: You better hear my preliminary report on the boy. JARVIS: Yes, go ahead. GEMMA: He's lying. Not completely and apparently reluctantly. He's very fit both mentally and physically, nice constructive personality. His blood pressure suggests that he's not been in space very long. JARVIS: Lies about what? GEMMA: He said that he had fever on the Silver Carrier but he hadn't. His gamma globulins are normal. JARVIS: Why would he lie about that? GEMMA: I asked him what happened to the crew. Fever was his excuse for not knowing. And then again he lied. At least, I almost sure that he lied about his friend's name. John Smith he called him. JARVIS: Well, they do exist you know. (He points at the "JOHN SMITH" mark.) GEMMA: Yes, he had been looking at that thing for long enough. Coincidence possibly. Somehow I doubt it. And then what's the most precious thing in deep space. JARVIS: Air, water, take your pick. GEMMA: Exactly. In space training even for one journey travellers. He asked me for a drink of water and then he left it. He might have been on Earth. That boy has no space travel training Jarvis. He's probably a stowaway or he's maybe an agent. JARVIS: Sabotage? GEMMA: Plenty of people on Earth think that we should suspend the space programme. Some of them have forced their opinions already. (JARVIS stands up again.) JARVIS: You think these two stowed away somehow, even disposed of the crew of the Silver Carrier. Pretend to drift here helplessly, we take them in and they breaking things up! GEMMA: I don't go THAT far. JARVIS: (Excited.) Of course, it fits! Everything fits! GEMMA: I only suggested it as a possibility, Jarvis. There are others. JARVIS: (Going to the door.) We'll talk about those later. This could be serious. GEMMA: Jarvis, wait, I... (But JARVIS has charged through the doors.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. OPERATIONS ROOM (ZOE, BILL and JAMIE are just entering the Operations Room.) ZOE: And this is the Operations and Communications room. JAMIE: What does this Wheel thing do up here anyway? ZOE: Well, it has varied functions, but mainly it's a radio/visual relay for Earth, a half-way house for deep space ships, a space research station, stellar early warning station for all types of space phenomena and... JAMIE: (Baffled.) Aye and ask a silly question. (He begins to sit down.) ZOE: Not there. That's the Controller's chair. (JAMIE stands up speedily.) LEO: (Cheerfully to everyone.) Hey, you are in for quite a treat. JAMIE: I am? BILL: The old man going ahead then? LEO: Too right he is. TANYA: I thought that Gemma talked him out of it. LEO: Only because she thought there might be somebody on board. (To JAMIE.) Just as well for you. JAMIE: Aye, I'm sorry but I lost you in the first part. ZOE: The Controller, Jarvis Bennett, wanted to destroy the rocket. TANYA: And then we got your message. LEO: Only minutes in it too. The laser was all primed and ready to blast. TANYA: (To LEO.) Has Jarvis given the go-ahead? LEO: Yes, I run a new co-ordinate fix. Everything programmed and ready. All we need now is the final signal. JAMIE: Oh, you are not going to blow up the rocket. LEO: Oh, it might hit us. So on the safe side we blast it out of existence. TANYA: Jarvis asked me to make a visual recording of it, so I better re-position. (She moves away and then turns to Zoe.) TANYA: Zoe, help me do a quick mental calculation would you? You're quicker than me... LEO: (To everybody.) It'll be great to see this at leisure. It should be quite an explosion. (He turns to the console.) TANYA: (To ZOE.) Right, Zoe. Lineal reading is 198.42 metres at 23 degrees latitude. (JAMIE, unnoticed, leaves the room) TANYA: 190.03 metres. 24 degree latitude... [SCENE_BREAK] 18. CORRIDOR (Seeing that the others are busy, and worried about the Wheel staff blowing up the rocket with the TARDIS still on board, JAMIE decides to slip away and heads for the power room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. OPERATIONS ROOM (A little white later, JARVIS has arrived and noticed that JAMIE is gone and is talking about it to ZOE and BILL.) JARVIS: But he was definitely here? ZOE: Yes, he just vanished. JARVIS: Bill, any ideas? BILL: No sir, he was here with us. We were showing him around... JARVIS: Where? BILL: Well, the Power House... JARVIS: The Power House. BILL: Yes sir. JARVIS: Look Bill, not a word to the others. Just follow me in a moment or two. Zoe - not a word. ZOE: Right sir. (JARVIS half-runs out of the room. LEO and TANYA have been watching them without hearing what is being said.) LEO: Don't look at me. I don't know what's going on. TANYA: Problems? LEO: I don't know. (TANYA crosses over to ZOE while BILL, obeying JARVIS, leaves a minute after JARVIS.) BILL: (To LALEHAM.) It's all in the mind Eric, It's all in the mind. (Nearby...) TANYA: (To ZOE.) What was the Controller talking about, Zoe? ZOE: Nothing important. At least, I don't think so. I don't know. (She feigns cheerful naivety.) ZOE: Does it matter? (TANYA crosses to a corner in the room and LEO comes and joins her.) LEO: Hey, what's all the whispering about? TANYA: I wish I knew. Leo, did I ever tell you about my nose? (LEO raises an eyebrow.) LEO: Your nose? TANYA: Yes. It's like a barometer. It never lets me down. LEO: Oh. TANYA: I smell trouble! LEO: (Half laughing.) Can you pinpoint it? TANYA: Hmm. It's something to do with that rocket out there. There's something sinister about it. (They both turn to look at the monitor showing the rocket.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. SPACE (The Silver Carrier hangs motionless in Space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21. ROCKET CONTROL ROOM (The control clock reaches six o'clock and the panel lights up. Nearby in a dark corner, two small eggs are growing in the room with an strange, increasing electrical hum. They get bigger and bigger and a clicking noise can be heard. One of the eggs begins to move. A vaguely humanoid figure is seen inside one egg. As the noise reaches its zenith, the figure within becomes more sharply defined - Tall, thin, more metal, like a robot in human shape. It starts to move and the grating dramatically changes in pitch as a stubby metallic fist brutally punches through the skin of the sphere. The brittle shell of the synthetic womb is no match for the awesome strength of a Cyberman; the Doctor's second most dangerous and ruthless enemies have awakened...)

Plan: A: Jamie; Q: Who is horrified to learn the crew plan to destroy the Silver Carrier with the TARDIS on board? A: TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's time machine? Summary: The Doctor and Jamie are brought aboard the Wheel where Jamie is horrified to learn the crew plan to destroy the Silver Carrier with the TARDIS on board.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Reverend: Welcome to the wedding of Alaric Saltzman and Josette Laughlin. Unh! Kai: Miss me? (Guests screaming) Damon: Stefan! She won't wake up. Kai: So, Bonster, I linked Elena's life to yours. As long as you're alive, Elena will remain asleep. Pastor: We are here today to pay our respect to sheriff Elizabeth Forbes. Caroline: You and I, I can't do this right now. I'm sorry. Stefan: I understand if you need time to heal, and if I have to wait for you, I will. Caroline: Who's that? That's my mother. Jo: Before the 1900s, Lily fell in with a group of witches that were cast out of the Gemini coven. Heretics are ruthless... Vampires with witch power. Lily: Lorenzo, it's our family. Damon: It's time for me to say good-bye. [SCENE_BREAK] [Panting] [Coughs] Stefan: Damon... wake up. I need you. Wake up. Stefan: Damon... Wake the hell up! [Gasps] [SCENE_BREAK] Caroline (V.O.): "Dear Elena... A few weeks ago, you said good-bye and told us to write everything down so you'd feel like you didn't miss anything when you woke up. Bad news first. Damon said the best way to keep his mind off you was to help Alaric grieve, so in Damon fashion, he kidnapped Ric and flew him to Europe for a guy get-away. I'm sure you can imagine how that's going." [Chanting, "Drinken!"] Yeah! Ha ha ha! Whoo! Caroline (V.O.): "Obviously, we didn't send them there without a chaperone." Bonnie: Drinken now. Caroline (V.O.): "So Damon's watching out for Alaric, Bonnie's watching out for Damon, and I don't know exactly who's watching out for Bonnie. Matt will officially be deputy Donovan next week when he graduates. As happy as I am for him, a big part of me wishes my mom was here to see it. The town council gave her a bench. I've been visiting it, hoping I'll miraculously start missing her less. Oh. I keep thinking that if I can heal I can move on with my life, but I don't see that happening anytime soon." Caroline (V.O.): "Anyway, I covered Damon, Bonnie, Ric, Matt. Who am I missing?" Stefan: What you writing? Caroline: Stefan. What are you doing here? Stefan: Matt reported some blood bags missing from the hospital, so I thought I'd check it out. Caroline: Do you think it's your mom? Stefan: If it's not, then she has quite literally dropped off the face of the earth, and I'm still deciding if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Caroline: So... how's Damon? Stefan: Well, if the last time he sat around waiting decades for a girl taught us anything, then I am worried. Caroline: Well, if you're worried, then I'm terrified. Stefan: I made this, uh, a thing, didn't I? Caroline: You made what a thing? Stefan: I told you how I felt about you, and now it's... It's weird. Caroline: No. It's not weird, Stefan. Stefan: You just asked about my brother, who you hate, to fill awkward silence. Caroline: Ok. I don't hate Damon. I'm just... Obviously, you know, scrambling to fill the awkward silence. Ok. It's a thing. You made it a thing. Congratulations. Stefan: All right. How about this? New rule... You live your life, you heal, and in the meantime, we're friends. Caroline: I like that rule. Stefan: Good. Ok. Happy writing. Caroline: Thank you. Caroline (V.O.): "As I was saying, things are great." Valerie (V.O.): It's hard to imagine a place worse than where I've come from, but by some spectacular miracle, I found it. In the weeks since I've arrived, 3 things are clear. The food is literally made of poison, the air smells like a plague, and everyone wants to know what everyone else is doing. I don't fit in here, nor do I want to. This is not the world I imagined." Aah! Stu's girlfriend: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. What did you do? Stu: I didn't think she'd walk right into the street. Stu's girlfriend: Stu, Stu, we have to call 911. Stu: Shut up, ok? Let me think. Stu: Ok. It's not like anyone saw us, right? Stu's girlfriend: Are you insane? We can't just leave her here. She's not moving! Stu: We just smoked a joint, ok? I'm high as a freaking kite right now. Do you want me to go to jail? Stu: Let's go. (Honks horn) Valerie (V.O.): "As I was saying, complete and utter hell. Not that my family is making it any easier. Lily sequestered us away in some musty, abandoned house. Stoic Beau, Nora the brat, the devious mental Mary Louise, and Malcolm, Lily's pet." Malcolm: Oh, none for me, Lily. I've already had my ration today. Valerie (V.O.): "The brown noser." Nora: What a s'aint you are, Malcolm. Nora: Ah. This is ludicrous. Mary Louise: Nora's right. How long are we to live on 3 sips a day? It's that prison world all over again. Lily: Beau is not complaining. Mary Louise: Beau's mute. Malcolm: And here we thought we could have a family meal in peace. Beau, care to join me for a game of backgammon while the love birds bicker? (Man singing in Dutch) Alaric: I can't feel my cheeks. What are we drinking? Damon: No idea. Damon: Can you read German? Alaric: That's, uh, actually Dutch. Damon: Oh. Wait. Where are we? Bonnie: Amsterdam. Bonnie (V.O.): "Dear Elena, yep, halfway across Europe, and they're still drunk." Damon: Is that really necessary? Bonnie: Elena told me to keep a journal of everything she's missing. When she wakes up in 60-some years and finds out that Ric died from alcohol poisoning, she's gonna want to know what happened. Damon: Unless you tragically choke to death on those cocktail peanuts. Then I can tell her myself. Bonnie: Oh. So sweet. Bonnie: I'm gonna go rent a bike and see the city like a normal tourist. Damon: FYI. They don't wear helmets here. Bonnie: Keeps getting funnier. Damon: Hey. Ride in the tram tracks, don't look both ways. Bonnie: Got it. Alaric: Heh heh. Are you sure you don't want to go with her? Damon: Nice try. I'm not leaving you. Alaric: I don't need a baby-sitter, Damon. Damon: This isn't about what you need, Ric. It's about what I need. Just keeping you from jumping off a cliff keeps my mind off of the fact that my girlfriend's magical coma is linked to a Bennett witch that has a knack for avoiding permanent death. Alaric: I see. So my misery is merely a convenient distraction for you? Damon: Yep. Alaric: Ok. Damon: What? Alaric: I'm glad you're here, buddy. [SCENE_BREAK] I'm head to New York this afternoon to meet up with Lorenzo. I assume I have nothing to worry about. So you're allowed to explore the world while we're stuck here, starving ourselves, pretending like we're not the strongest people on the planet? Need I remind you how things used to be? You mean when you loved us and allowed us to have actual fun? Our appetite for murder drew unwanted attention, forced us to run for decades at a time, and then got us imprisoned for 100 years. Our way of living did not work, Mary Louise. Now you want us to coexist. We know. We've heard your speech. What about Oscar? He's been gone days running your errands. I highly doubt he's off living in secret. Valerie, you're a mess. What happened? Some horrible teenagers plowed me down in their automobile. Oh, dear. Is their automobile ok? Mary Louise: Heh. Ha ha ha! The little monsters left me for dead... No apology, no call for help. I was road kill, and what did I do? I acted like road kill because we're governed by a pacifist, who'd rather see her children hurt than stand up for themselves. Valerie, don't cry. Ok? You're home now. You're with us. Yeah. Who needs the rest of the world, right? We have each other. You resisted your urge to fight back. That means you're learning. I'm proud of you, Valerie. [Girl gasps] Missed a spot. Who are you? Remember that large squirrel you ran over this morning? Turns out that was actually our friend Valerie. But you looked dead. I get that a lot. Phasmatos maltos. Unh! [Moaning] I do. [Screaming] You're worse than your friend. You thought about doing the right thing, but then you just left her there. And yet you're the first thing in this town that I don't entirely hate. [Screaming] Lily will be furious. Lily needs to learn that heretics aren't designed to coexist. Really, be more vain. Well, if you were pretty, you'd be, too. [Siren] [Radio chatter] What the hell happened? Listen. These bodies, they're not Lily's style. It's got to be the heretics. Damon: Reception went a little fuzzy, brother. It sounds like you said mom got her family of crazies back. Can I have some details? Matt: One victim had bite wounds, and the other one was scorched beyond recognition. Stefan: Matt found a house that's been in foreclosure for the last two years, and it had its power mysteriously turned back on just days after Ric's wedding, so Caroline is there staking it out. Listen. I need Ric to tell me how to make a bomb. Oh. It's for you. Hello? Other side. Hello? Alaric, I need you to teach me how to make a bomb. Ok. Great. Well, the party's over. Time to go home. I am literally staring at a treasure trove full of your, uh, fancy little weapons. Yeah, exactly. Now go use one. Oh, it's not that easy. I mean, if we want to take them out, we have to do it all at once. [Sighs] All right. Well, I'm gonna have to call you back from a less populated place, and then I'm gonna blissfully pass out and pretend that this never happened. Whoa. Ok. Lily won. As much as we did everything to stop her, she actually got her family back. Stefan says he's got it, he's got it. Do you really believe that, or is that just some excuse to continue your slow crawl towards rock bottom? You know how many days need to tick by before I see Elena again? 22,916 days, and that's assuming you get some old person's disease. I haven't even begun approach rock bottom. Listen to yourself, Damon. Elena wants you to live your life. Bon, if you're gonna be here, you don't get to play the what would Elena do game. What is that supposed to mean? Nothing. Ohh. I've had some janky-ass bourbon in my time, but this is... It's not bourbon. It's tea. Have you ever seen this stone before? I can't say I have. What is it? That's not important. Can you commune with my wife and tell her that I have it? I can try, but of course, I will need a mystical tether to access her spirit, something of significance. This is her wedding ring. I just had a very powerful feeling. There's a lot of energy in this ring. You two shared a strong bond. She loved you unconditionally. She wants you to know she misses you. Do you get off on this, preying on the hope and misery of people? That ring is a fake, you dick! I lost the real one to the first psychic I saw. Maybe your wife's better off dead. [Grunting] [Chet Faker's "Bend" playing] ♪ Automatically, I feel there's something wrong ♪ ♪ I try to fix the pieces, trying to run from home ♪ ♪ Won't be seeing, not for long ♪ Enzo: It's a crime for the prettiest girl in the bar to sit alone. Two of your finest scotch, please, darling. Heh. Lorenzo, how I've missed you. And whose fault is that? Keeping me away while you toilet train your new batch of orphaned puppies. They're learning moderation so they can live under the radar. You being there, living freely... Yeah. Bad influence, blah, blah, blah. Got it. Well, in the meantime, you've summoned me to New York. My interest is piqued. I was hoping you might find something for me. During my captivity, a very dear possession I thought was lost when our ship from England was torched was discovered by divers. It's been on display in the city's maritime museum, but it's recently disappeared again. Why do you want it? If anyone discovered you were looking for it, you might be in danger. Well, all the more reason I should know why I'm looking for it. It's a family matter, Lorenzo. Thought I was your family. Darling, we want nothing more than to believe you're on our side. Your side. I stood by you when your own sons abandoned you. So you're willing to see my sons for the monsters they are, to turn your back on your friendships? What happened to that sick boy I met on the boat, the boy abandoned at the workhouse at the age of 4, the boy who never knew kindness until the day I saved his life? That boy is not your errand boy. 12Find your own damn rock. Caroline: There's 5 heretics... 2 guys, 3 girls... And your mom isn't home. Enzo? He's not there either, so if we're going to do this, now is our window. Whoa, whoa. Show me how this works. First of all, this is a bomb. Ok. That there is a timer. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna set it for 60 seconds. 60 seconds. Got it. Are you sure that you want to do this? I have to do this. They lived in your house for 100 years. They've seen your picture. They'll recognize you immediately. I'm just saying if you think this is a crazy plan, now's the time to speak up. Is there any version of this plan where you're not worried about me? Probably not. Mm-hmm. [Doorbell rings] Welcome to Mystic Falls! I'm Caroline. We're not interested. Oh! Oh, no! Don't worry. I'm not selling anything. I'm your neighbor from down the block. So? Wow! Great place. I love what you've done with the floors. Is this the original hardwood? Valerie: It's a gargantuan hell hole. No one gives a damn about the floors. Well, I brought you guys a housewarming gift. Mystic Falls tradition. Valerie's allergic to nature. Ok. I'm just gonna put this right over here. [Foals' "what went down" playing] [Squeak] [Snap, hiss] I am so sorry. Clumsy. Hmm. So where are you guys from? [Gas hissing] [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ When I see I man, I see a lion ♪ ♪ When I see a man, I see a liar... ♪ I do love that jacket. Thanks. I got it for my birth... Don't you just love what she's wearing? It's fine, though it would look entirely better on you. [Footsteps] Matt: Hey, Caroline. We should really get going to that barbecue. And you would be? Her ride. Care, we should really go. Care isn't leaving yet. ♪ I tried, and I tried, and I was never... ♪ Give me your jacket. ♪ So no longer felt love ♪ ♪ And I'm forever changed ♪ Here! Take my jacket. Thank you. How sweet you are. See you! Wait. [Gas hissing] You forgot to tell her how good she looks. It looks amazing on you. Valerie: Does anyone else smell that? ♪ I want you ♪ Ric was right here. How did we lose him? You're wearing terrible shoes for trailing someone, your eyes suck, and you're slow. Oh, I'm slow? You just spent the last few weeks in Europe with a guy pretending to be drunk, and you didn't even notice. True. So which way do you want to go? [Droning] Should we turn around, or should we go straight? [Horn honking] Wow. Thank you. Yeah, of course. Hang on. Did you see that truck coming? What? Did you just hesitate to save my life? Relax. It was 3 seconds. 3 seconds. I could have died. You're right, Bon. Had I done nothing, Elena would be here, and it would all be grand. Enough. I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life thinking that you resent me. How else am I supposed to feel, Bonnie? You're here. She's not. Every time I look at you, all I see is not Elena. I'm so sorry this happened, but I lost Elena, too, Damon, and you're one of the few reminders of her I have to hold on to, so you can resent me or love me... But you're stuck with me. [Cell phone ringing] To what do I owe this rare pleasure? I hope you weren't too attached to that house. We blew it into a pile of ash with your family inside. I'm sorry. You did what? They're gone, Lily, and you have until tonight to get out of Mystic Falls, or we come after you next. Unh. Centuries-old heretics, world-weary survivalists wise beyond their lifetime eviscerated from the planet in one fell swoop? My son, if I may offer you some motherly advice... Run. Sheriff: Please join me in recognizing our graduating class of new deputies as I read their names and they receive their badges. [Applause] Nora: What a happy little town this is. I bet they have the most darling funerals. Heh. Nora, I swear your heart must be made of pure arsenic. Heh. Admit you love me more for it. You know I do. Sheriff: Deputy Cornell Willis. Mar... It's the 21st century. We can hold hands now. Valerie: Oh, my God. Is this your first date in public? That's adorable. We should double sometime. There's bound to be a man out there desperate enough to buy you dinner. Can we focus on revenge, please? Sheriff: Deputy Taylor Hall. [Chanting] Sheriff: Deputy Matthew Donovan. [Chanting] Sheriff: Deputy Tim Johnson. [Chanting] Sheriff: Deputy Jeffery Morrison. [Applause] Deputy George Callahan. [Chanting] Deputy Don Morris. Hey. I think we have a problem. [Heretics chanting] [People screaming] [Laughter] Sheriff: Sorry about the malfunction, folks. Incendia. [People screaming] No! [Screaming continues] Oh, my God! Unh! Agh! Hello, neighbor. [Groaning] [Grunting] Lily: Enough! [Caroline groaning] Lily: I fought tirelessly to reunite us, found ways to coexist in this new world, sacrificed everything to make us a family again. How dare you jeopardize that? All of you... The bloodshed ends now. What just happened? I don't know. I thought we blew them up! How did they survive that? I have no idea. Matt's whole class is dead. The new sheriff... Dead. All those people, none of them even had a chance to... God, what are you looking at? There's a splinter embedded in my neck, and I can't seem to get it out. [Sighs] Come here. Thank you. I almost got it. It's just there's history here, you know, this town and this house, these people, and I just don't see a world where Mystic Falls survives a war between us and them, and if Lily thinks that she can control 5 heretics, she's insane. I think I know how to get through to Lily. How? Let's just say it's a good thing Damon's not here. Caroline, voice-over: "Dear Elena... When you wake up, Mystic Falls will look nothing like you remember it." Matt, voice-over: "We made up a story. A mining fire erupted in the tunnels under the town... out of control fires, lethal carbon monoxide levels, the works." Stefan, voice-over: "My mother's heretic family is back. Their magic keeps them protected. They're faster and stronger than any of us, and they're willing to tear our town apart for their own entertainment. We had to protect it." Caroline, voice-over: "Lily thought her family was ready to live among humans. She was wrong. The truth is, their impulsive nature put every citizen in this town in danger, so Stefan negotiated a deal. We got time to clear out the residents, and in return, anyone who trespassed was fair game for the heretics." Pack your things. Your family's not safe here. Matt, voice-over: "Stefan and Caroline went door to door, evacuating residents, drove out businesses, boarded up homes, closed off the town to traffic." Joy Williams: ♪ So come on and let it break ♪ Caroline, voice-over: "We all gave up a lot to get Lily to agree... But I think Stefan sacrificed the most." ♪ I'm gonna stand ♪ ♪ I'm gonna stand... ♪ Lily: Pick a room. There are plenty. ♪ Until the levee ♪ ♪ Oh, until the levee... ♪ Matt, voice-over: "We hate them, they hate us, but now at the very least, we have a truce." Stefan: "Whether we like it or not, we'll share our town, we'll live side by side with our enemies for as long as it takes." ♪ Until the levee on my heart... ♪ What are you doing with my mom's bench? Oh, I just saw it here, and I thought I'd put it in safekeeping, spare it from any future graffiti damage. Yeah. I was just about to do the, uh, same thing. What's the catch? Come on. There's no catch. Just trying to cheer you up, Blondie. Not sure if you've noticed, but things are getting a little glum around here. Oh, I'm sorry. Have... have I not shown enough glee after uprooting an entire town of innocent people because of you? Me? Yeah! Lily's circus freaks. Well, then where should I clump you? One day, you're helping Lily, the next you're here being nice. Just pick a side, Enzo... Us or them. Oh, God. You sound just like her. That's because she doesn't trust you, and honestly, neither do I. [Sighs] [Cell phone ringing] How's Europe? Damon: Ric was kind of meh on "the Mona Lisa." Anything I should know about? Eh, can wait till you get back. Well, I'm back! Want to tell me who the hell's living in our house? The whole town would have been slaughtered. So we kill them and call it a day. We already tried that. You sent Donovan to blow up a house. Try harder. Look. The deal has been made. We don't mess with them, they don't mess with us. That's very benevolent of you, brother. You should run for mayor, not that anyone would be here to vote for you. Look. What's done is done. Do not mess this up. Who convinced you to save a town full of people you don't give a crap about? Because it's not your idea, and Matt can't think his way out of a paper bag, so it must be Caroline's. Do me a favor. Box that bottle up on your way out. Stefan hangs up his hero hair for the girl. And here I thought my future was bleak. You know, Elena wanted you to be happy, to live, even encouraged you to date, but if she wakes up and everyone she loves is dead, do you think that she'd be able to forgive that? I'm not doing this for Caroline, Damon. I'm doing this for you. [Radio chatter] Hey! Bonnie, hey! I didn't know you were back. I honestly don't know where I am. Matt, surrendering the town is not a solution. We need to stop them. They had been stopped, Bon, back in 1903, but then you betrayed Kai, he let them out, and I got to bury all my buddies from the sheriff's department. So this is my fault? No. I didn't say that. Look. I got to go patrol. [Sighs] What are you doing here? Have you been to Mystic Falls? There is a heretic clipping his gnarly heretic toenails in my master bath right now. I have nowhere else to go. So I guess it's a good thing... I didn't get hit by a truck. Come on, Boonie, it was 3 seconds. You know how long 3 seconds are, in a life-or-death situation? In the first second, I thought how amazing would feel have Elena in my arms again. By second number two, I kissed her. And by the third, I remember, you're my best friend, and that if anything ever happened to you I would lose my mind, so, yes, Bonnie, I do know how long 3 seconds are. I was just checking. And I will wait for her, and you're gonna help me. You're stuck with me, too. The heretics are out because of me. No, Bonnie. The heretics are out because my mother's a lunatic and everyone's too scared to stop her. I'm not. I want to fight. I want our town back. Trespassing is a*, friend. And you are? Town witch. [Groaning] Aah! To be fair, you are nothing if I take your magic. Unh! Hmm. Are we making a huge mistake handing over our hometown to a bunch of supernatural terrorists? Yeah, probably. Stop. I'm a control freak giving up control. I'm delicate. Well, what would sheriff Forbes do? She would protect human life at any cost. Well, then, no, I don't think we're making a mistake. I thought I would heal from my mom's death. I really thought that time would pass and one day I would be ready to move on, but she's my mom, and I'm never gonna stop missing her. Amy Stroup: ♪ It's too late to tell ♪ [Sighs] Well, that's life, Caroline. I mean, you can't just sit back and wait for the good parts to happen, but... What you can do is you can forgive yourself for trying to be happy during the bad parts. Heh. ♪ It beckons me ♪ I'm gonna go, uh, board up the front door. ♪ Let it be ♪ Hey, Stefan. I am happy. You make me happy. Uh... uh, my best friend's gone, my mom's dead, uh, the whole town is destroyed, but when I'm with you, I'm happy... And, yeah, you're right. I just need to... [Song continues] ♪ Ba Ba ♪ ♪ I ♪ ♪ Fixed my eyes ♪ ♪ On redeeming love ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ I fixed my eyes ♪ ♪ On redeeming love ♪ Mr. Saltzman, it's late. I want to see her. Look. I get it. It's your wife, but hospital policy says we can only keep the body cold 30 days. A policy you were willing to break last month. Now... I say we keep breaking it. You know, it's said that once you bury a body the grieving process begins. Well, I'm not planning on burying her. I'm planning on bringing her back to life. It's a morgue. It's called gallows humor. Now can I see her, please? You shouldn't hide your scar, Beau. You're a survivor. Be proud. [Door opens] Mary Louise: Valerie! Beau! It's Malcolm! Beau, help! He's dead! Valerie: Oh, my God! Malcolm! We found him in town. He was just lying there. Nora: Oh, God. Don't let Lily see this. Lily: Malcolm? No. No. No! Oh! Oh, sweetheart. Oh, my sweet boy. Who took him from us? Who did this? [Sobs] Caroline, voice-over: "Dear Elena, so remember how I said everything was falling apart earlier? Maybe not everything." Enzo: What is it with everyone's incessant need to write down every single feeling? Ok. This whole stalker thing is not even remotely charming. What, even if I'm here to tell you you were right? Especially to tell me that I'm right because I already knew that. So, uh, word on the street is that one of Lily's magical elves lost his heart. What? You haven't heard? Yeah. Someone killed Malcolm. I believe he was her eldest. Well, who killed him? Because we had a deal... Yeah. Trust is a fickle thing. That got me thinking that if I want people to trust me then I've got to earn it. That starts with choosing a side, so here I am. Well, good for you. I need to call Stef... I reckon it goes without saying I chose Lily. I told you not to bother me until Elena was awake. That's too bad. We got to go. Why? She's back. [Gunshots] [Groaning] I guess she upped her game. My scar opened up this morning. I figured she was back. I didn't realize she was this close. You better get used to it, brother. She's not gonna stop until you're dead. Come on. Ugh.

Plan: A: Damon; Q: Who rescues Bonnie from a car accident? A: Alaric; Q: Who consults psychics about his dead wife? A: Europe; Q: Where did Damon, Bonnie, and Alaric spend the summer? A: their grief; Q: What were Damon, Bonnie, and Alaric trying to get over? A: Stefan; Q: Who is seen in a storage unit opening a casket containing a desiccated Damon? A: a deal; Q: What did Stefan, Caroline and Matt make with Lily and her Heretics? A: Elena; Q: Who do Caroline and Bonnie miss? A: each day; Q: How often are Caroline and Bonnie writing in a diary? A: the whole town; Q: Who did Stefan and Caroline evacuate? A: Heretics' blood meal; Q: What did Stefan and Caroline agree would happen to anyone who passed the border? A: a Heretic; Q: What is Lily? A: the death; Q: What does Lily learn about? A: Enzo; Q: Who helps Lily kidnap Caroline? A: Flashforward; Q: What is the name of the episode? A: Three years; Q: How far into the future is the flashforward? A: his wishes; Q: Damon was revived against what? A: his scar; Q: What opened up on Damon? A: an old (yet unknown) foe; Q: Who attacks Stefan and Damon? Summary: Damon, Bonnie and Alaric have been spending the summer in Europe to get over their grief while Stefan, Caroline and Matt make a deal with Lily and her Heretics when they failed to defeat them. Caroline and Bonnie miss Elena deeply and each day are writing in a diary of everything that occurs so that when Elena wakes up it'll be like she never missed anything. Stefan and Caroline evacuate the whole town to protect them from the Heretics but agree that anyone who passes the border will be Heretics' blood meal. Alaric consults psychics about his dead wife. Damon rescues Bonnie from a car accident but only at the last minute. When the trio get back in town, they discover about the deal with the Heretics. Damon and Bonnie make their own plan and kill a Heretic. When Lily learns about the death, she attains revenge by kidnapping Caroline with the help of Enzo. Flashforward: Three years into the future, Stefan is seen in a storage unit opening a casket containing a desiccated Damon. After reviving Damon against his wishes, Stefan proceeds to tell him that his scar opened up which means that "she's back" when they are attacked by an old (yet unknown) foe.

Title: "Who Died and Made You King?" 58th Episode of Roswell Production Code: 3ADA15 [PREVIOUSLY_ON] Liz: Max is dead. Mariss: Clayton can you hear me? Max/Clayton: That's not me. This can't be me. Max: You have to kill this body. You have to stop Clayton. Liz: No. Max: Liz you have to. He'll kill you if you don't. Liz: I love you. They fall out of the window. Max: nooo! Max uses his powers to save Liz. She checks him for a pulse. There is none so she kisses him and it miraculously brings him back. Flashes back to when Isabel gets shot. Jesse: Have you called an amulance? Michael: No. Jesse: What the hell is wrong with you. Michael: Hey you can't take her to a hospital. You can't! Jesse: Why, Tell me why! Michael: Because you're wife isn't human. She's alien. We both are. At Valenti's house. Jesse: I married Isabel Evans, and there is no Isabel Evans. Isabel: Where do we go from here? Jesse: I have no idea. Jesse sitting and talking to his therapist. Jesse: They're looking at me differently. Therapist: It's understandable. They're curious to see how you'll react to this new information. Jesse: But I-I don't think they trust me. I think they think I'm a threat. Therapist: You think they're worried that you'll tell the truth about them. Jesse: Yeah maybe. I don't know. Look if they found out I was talking to you Therapist: Let me assure you that you can talk freely. As long as you don't tell me that anyone's In trouble. What we discuss in this session stays between you and me. Jesse: It's ju.. It's just I-I, I'm scared Dr. Weiss. You knowhere is all of this going to take me? I just wanted a normal life. Dr. Weiss: Your anxieties are completely normal. Jesse: And, and let me be clear. Isabel's a good person. I love her. You know it's just them. It's just she's suffered protecting their secret. It's just It's not Dr. Weiss: You told me they were in the Mob. Most people would have trouble condoning That. You're suffering too Jesse. Jesse: Yes. Dr Weiss: And we're here to fix that. And hopefully in the process we'll fix your marriage too. As Jesse leaves Michael and Max come out of hiding and watch him leave. Michael: Let's go. Max: Where? Michael: After him, we gotta find out what he's talking about in there. Max: If he's in therapy, he's obviously upset. Getting in his face is a bad idea. Look, I'll Figure it out. Michael: I'm not gonna let you sit back and wait for something to happen like you always do. Max: Michael I said I'd take care of it. Let's get out of here. Suddenly Michael feels something hurting him under his shirt. He looks and the symbol of Their planet is glowing on his chest. At the crashdown. Max: So ah, What are you doing tonight? Liz: Working, studying, lights out by eleven. Mr.Parker: Hey Max. Max: Hey Mr. Parker. Liz: I'll be right out dad. Mr.Parker: Sure. Max: Is he giving you a hard time? Liz: No, he's being a total saint. You know Winnaman wouldn't give him back his deposit. Max: Wow, that's terrible. Liz: Yeah. Max: So it seems like you're really busy tonight. Liz: Why? Max: I just thought it might be fun if we went out. Liz: Max it's not that I don't want to it's just that things can't go back to the way they were. Max: Could we at least hang out like friends? The bell dings. Liz: (smiles) You know my orders are backing up. I'll have to call you. At the remerez apartment. In the background as Isabel is at the mirror. Voice: Sometimes life can be too much. Stress effects even the best of us. Leaving the body Fatigued and the mind cloudy. Let us make life worth living again at the Roswell Desert Spa. Our expert hair stylist can work their magic on any do. From long to short, straight to curly. (Isabel makes her hair curly) Or how about treating yourself to a manicure. Or indulge your (isabel puts color on her nails) aching arches in our foot fantasy pedicure. Or maybe you need a massage. (Isabel looks up and sees Jesse standing there watching her) Isabel: Oh. You're home late. (Jesse gives her a look) Jesse: I was at the gym. She changes her hair back to normal. Later in the bedroom. Jesse is laying in bed. When Isabel gets into the bed. She goes to kiss him on the cheek. Isabel: Night. Suddenly he has a film all over his body. Then he wakes up. Isabel: What? Did you have a bad dream. (she goes to touch him and he jerks away) Where are you going? (he gets out of bed) Jesse: To the office. Isabel: In the middle of the night? Jesse: Um, I just the mcadams case is really weighing on me, and I just figured if I can't sleep I might as well get some work done. You know. Isabel: Ok. Um, when can I expect you home? Jesse: Um, I-I'm not sure. Uh, look I'm sorry Isabel. Really go, go back to sleep. I'll be back As soon as I can. Jesse driving to work. His car breaks down. Jesse: Damn it. Oh. Damn it! (he calls the towing company on his cell phone) No I've been waiting forty-five minutes. Yes, Henley street. No. I'm not going Anywhere. When he gets off the phone Max walks up. Max: Car trouble? Jesse: What are you doing here? I-It's 2 in the morning. Max: When I can't sleep I walk. You need some help? Jesse: No, there's a tow truck coming. Max: Well I can take a look. Jesse: No! Max: Maybe I can fix it. Jesse: Look I don't want any part of that alien crap. Ok? Max: I've taken auto shop Jesse. Jesse: Just leave it alone. Max: I know that all of this probably doesn't seem real right now. But if you need Someone to talk to. Jesse: Uh, thanks Max, I-I've got that covered. Ok? Max: A doctor isn't going to help you deal with this Jesse. Trust me I-I've been In therapy before. Jesse: Have you been spying on me! Max: You have to realize that if anyone finds out the truth we're all in danger. Not Just us. But Liz, Maria, Kyle, Valenti. Think about it Jesse. (The tow truck pulls up and Max walks away) Back at Michael's pad. Michael walks in with a package. He opens it and it is all their alien Stuff. He pulls out the book and the symbol on the front of the book is the mark on his chest. Michael: I knew it. I'm in charge. Back at the Remerez apartment. Isabel: Jesse do you want me to make you so She sees that he has packed his bags. Isabel: Were you even going to leave me a note? Jesse: I'm sorry Isabel. I-I can't stay here and pretend like everything's normal because it's not. Isabel: But normal is sneaking out of our house while I'm still sleeping? Jesse: It's not like that. I was waiting until you woke up. Isabel: Jesse. Please. Just talk to me. Jesse: Look I don't know what to say ok. Isabel: No I am putting in all the effort and you are giving me nothing in return. Jesse: What by pretending nothings happened? I'm dealing with this the best that I can ok. What else do you want from me. Isabel: I want you to love me. And be the man that I married. Jesse: Well that's hilarious because I want you to be the woman that I married. Isabel: So that's it. It's over. Jesse: I'll be at the travel inn. And tell your brother to stop following me. He leaves. Back at Michael's apartment. Max sits and goes to eat a microwave dinner that he warmed up Using his powers. Then he notices the package Michael brought home the other night under the Coffee table. Then there is a knock at the door and he puts it back. It's Isabel. Isabel: Please stop spying on Jesse. Max: He's seeing a therapist. I don't have to tell you how dangerous that is. Isabel: It's his private life. Max: A luxury he doesn't have anymore. Isabel: He moved out. Everyone said this would happen. I was such an idiot, thinking that I Could make it work. That I could be happy. Max: Jesse was trying to get help Is. To me that means he thinks there is something worth Saving. Isabel: How's Liz? Max: Cautious. And she has every right to be. Isabel: It's not easy. Max: (laughs) Yeah. Isabel: Yeah. Back at the Therapists. Jesse: They're following me. Dr. Weiss: Who is? Jesse: My brother in law. Dr.Weiss: To what extent. Jesse: Well he knows I'm coming here. Dr.Weiss: Are you in danger? Jesse: No. No, I-I-I don't know. I don't, I don't know anything anymore. Dr.Weiss: Jesse, you're not helpless. What is it that you want. Jesse: I want out. Dr.Weiss: Then we're gonna figure out a way to get that. Ok. Jesse: Thanks. Look I've gotta get back to the office. Dr.Weiss: Yeah. Alright then, I'll see you later Jesse. Jesse: Ok. (They shake hands) Thanks Dr. Weiss. Jesse leaves and the phone rings. He sits down at the desk. Its Dr.Weiss' wife. Dr.Weiss: Hello. Hey Honey. About 20 min. Yeah I'm almost finished here. Ok. I love you. Bye bye. He hangs up the phone and Michael grabs him and pins him to the desk. Michael: What kind of man listens to another person's secrets for a living? Dr.Weiss: Please don't hurt me. Michael: Does that make you feel powerful? Huh, knowing the deep and dirty things that make Someone tick? You don't know what your dealing with so drop Jesse Remerez as a client. He grabs Jesse's file and leaves. Dr.Weiss: (he picks up the phone) Yes uh, I need the police, no ah, make that the FBI. At a restaurant Jesse meets Isabel for lunch. Jesse: Thanks for meeting me. Isabel: I'm glad you called. (the waiter hands Isabel a menu) Thank you. I-I brought your Sweatshirt. Your grey one, you left it on the couch. I washed it. Jesse: Thanks. Look I've made a decision. Isabel; Oh please don't do this here Jesse not in public. Jesse: No, let's pack out bags. Tonight, we'll go to the airport. We'll leave Roswell. We just won't Come back again. Isable: I Suddenly Mr. Evans walks up. Mr.Evans: Hi, kids. Isabel: Dad. Mr.Evans: What are you doing clear across town? Jesse: Uh we uh. Isabel: Dircas is having a furniture sale. We were just looking for some new Jesse: End tables. Yeah we were looking for end tables so ah, how about you? Mr. Evans: Ah the Falon Case. So everything's ok? Isabel: Yes. Jesse: Great. Mr.Evans: Ok. I'll see you back in the office Jesse and ah, Isabel will you please call your Mother (he kisses her on the forehead) Isabel: Yes. Mr.Evans: Ok, oh hey did you hear ah, Liz Parker dropped out of boarding school? She wasn't Gone very long. You know anything about it? Isabel: No I didn't even know she was back. Mr.Evans: Must've been a very expensive 2 weeks for Jeff Parker. Ok. See you later. He walks away. Jesse: I respect your father I don't like lying to him. Isabel: I don't either. But he's convinced that Max is up to something we just have to be very Careful around him right now. Jesse: See. That's why we have to leave. Look I want to be married to you Isabel but I can't be Married to this situation. Look, you say you want to make this work, this is the only way I can See how. Waiter: What can I get you folks? Need more time? Isabel: I do. Jesse: Let me know when you make up your mind. He picks up his bag and leaves. Back at Michael's pad. Max walks in to Michael sitting on the couch reading Jesse's file. Max: Hey. You ah, you left your bike parked in front of Mrs. Cureys door. (shuffling through letters) You know how pissed she gets about that. Did you hear me? Michael: Yes sir. Max: Isabel stopped by, I promised her we'd stay out of this whole Jesse thing. I know you're Concerned and I agree that our safety should be our number one focus, but we have to leave this To her. Michael: Got it. Max: What is that? Michael: Jesse's file, I took it. I dealt with the therapist while I was there too. Max: Have you lost it? Michael: I'm doing my job. Max: You crossed the line. Who said you could do that? (he kicks the box with the alien stuff In it) Where did you get these. Michael: I made an after hours withdrawl from the saftey deposit box. Max: My name was the only one on the access card at the bank. Michael: (he gets up from the couch) What they're not safe with me? Max: I want you to take the stuff back. I want you to let go of this Jesse thing (Michael turns Away and Max goes to stop him) Michael, I'm serious Michael goes to punch him and puts a hole in the wall. Max: What the hell is wrong with you! Michael: You! You were dead Max and now I'm looking at you and I mean, I don't know, I mean who are you? Are you a ghost? And you're here in my face all day and you're freakin Me out. Max: Let me see your hand. Michael: Hey. I'm fine. Max: Michael you can't even hol Michael: Hey, just leave me alone! Max leaves and Michael finds that he can heal his own hand. At the garage Kyle works for. Kyle: Your timing belt's broken. I should be able to get another one by tommorrow. Jesse: I hate not having a car. Feel trapped. Kyle: How are things going with Isabel? Jesse: Fine. Kyle: Look if you ever need someone Jesse: To talk to? That seems to be a popular sentiment around here. Kyle: Could you hand me that ah, deep socket wrench? Jesse: (he gets it for him) Here you go. Kyle: Look. When I first found out, I couldn't, I couldn't deal, I mean I had to get out of town for a couple of months but once I got used to It there's a lot of good that came out of knowing. Jesse: Kyle I'm an officer of the court. And I see how lies catch up with People and bring them down. Believe me there is nothing good that can Come out of this conspiracy. Kyle: (nods) Well maybe, but I realize that I'm part of something bigger Than myself. Jesse: Well it's not bigger. It's all consuming, there's a difference. They've Robbed you of your life. Kyle: Actually, they gave me one. Jesse: Stop the cheerleading pitch, Kyle. Kyle: It's not cheerleading. I was shot. And I would have died if Max Evans hadn't healed Me. (he slips up with the wrench and hurts his hand) Aw Damn it. I'll be right back. As he turns and walks away Jesse strolls away from the car and a van pulls up and grabs him. Agent: Jesse Remerez. You're coming with us. Jesse: Wha? Who are you? Who are you huh? Help! Kyle rushes out just in time to see them drive away. Kyle: Hey! Jesse is cuffed to a chair in a warehouse room at a table. Then a man walks in. Jesse: Hey. Hey, you have no right to hold me here. (He puts Jesse's breifcase down beside him) Anything you found in there constitutes an illegal search and seizure. He undoes Jesse's cuffs. Jesse: Who the hell are you? Agent: My name is Agent Burnes. FBI. Jesse: What do you want? Agent: Last night a local therapist was threatened. Your therapist. You said your wife's family Was involved in organized crime. Jesse: Well there's been a mistake. Agent: The guy who did it mentioned you by name. Jesse: There's no mob connection. Agent: Then why did you say there was? Jesse: I-It was an analogy. Agent: I believe you. Now let's talk about why you're really here, Jesse. How much do you Know about your brother in law, Max Evans? [SCENE_BREAK] Later Jesse: I won't lie to you. I'm not the biggest fan of my brother in law. But, Max is just a kid. Troubled but, not a threat to National Security. Agent Burnes walks over to a shelf and pulls off a box. Agent: Most of these could never go public. People couldn't get their minds around it. He Isn't from this world. He's an alien pretending to be a normal teenage kid. Jesse: (laughs) That's nuts Agent Burnes. Agent: Really? (he hands Jesse a file) Jesse opens the file and sees all the people Nascado murdered and the skins who were killed. Agent: Careers have been destroyed because of Max Evans. People have died. Good people. Jesse: Well if, Max is the murderer you say he is why haven't you arrested him yet? Agent: We tried. I used to be in something called the Special Unit. Now there are only a few Of us left. We knew how dangerous he was. I have another theory. There are more like him. And they have been able to live here for the last 50 years under the cover of lies, murder and Deceit. I promise you these creatures believe in survival of the fittest. We're an inferior life Form to them. Nothing will stand in their way. Those are just the victims we know about. Trust me Mr. Remerez, we're the good guys. Jesse: How can I help? The agent just smiles. Liz and Max play minature golf. Max: He put his fist right through the wall. His hand was a mess but he wouldn't let me Touch him. Liz: He's probably embarrassed. (Liz's ball goes right in the hole) Max: Nice. Liz: Well my old babysitter Lynn used to work at the snack shack, she let me play here for Free all the time. Max: In light of this new information I think we should reconsider the rules. Liz: No. mm mm. No powers. I'll let you use yours if I can use mine. Liz: That's not so funny. Max: Any sign of them lately? Liz: Ah no, not since Vermont and I'm not complaining. Max bends down to pick up his ball. Max: By the way my father's very curious about your sudden return. I'm sure he thinks that it Has something to do with me. Liz: Yeah well you should just tell him what I told my father. You know that my drug-addicted Roommate wanted me to get into a three way with my Latin teacher. Yeah, I aired on the side Of the dramatic. So, anyway, what you were saying about Michael Max: He can't stand to be around me. I freak him out. Liz: You know it's a hard enough thing to deal with somebody dying Max, it's even weirder To have them come back to life. Max: Am I a ghost? She hits him with her golfclub. Max: Ow. Liz: Guess not. Max: No I mean, are you afraid of me. Liz: No. But I was, I was wondering? Uh, What was it like? When you were dead? Max: I don't, I-I don't want to talk about that. To say it out loud makes it closer. Liz: I understand. Max: But it changed me. I'm not interested in dragging around these responsibilities anymore. Or arguing with Michael about how we do things, or keeping on this impossible quest to find My son. Liz: Max. Max: I need to live in the now. To appreciate all these things I have been taking for granted. Like, Like going to school, or smearing you in Putt putt. Liz: (she laughs) H-Ho, dream on. Max: And I want us to try again. They stand there staring at each other when the cell rings. Max: Hello? Hey Is. What? They all gather together at Isabels apartment. Kyle: They shoved him into a van and then they drove off. Liz: Are you sure it was the FBI? Kyle: They were wearing the uniform. Michael: I knew he'd turn on us. Isabel: Michael he didn't turn on us all right he was taken against his will. Michael: We don't know that. Isabel: I do. Michael: I'm going to find him. Max: No. Wait. Here's what we're gonna do. Kyle and Isabel go back to the garage, See if there are any clues in Jesse's car. Liz you and I will start canvasing the streets for any Sign of the feds, Michael take Maria back to Isabel's apartment Michael: I'm not going to sit around on my ass and wait for something to happen. Max: If Jesse gets away or tries to make contact that's the first place he's gonna go. Michael: Na, I have my own plan. Maxwell I'm warning you. Get out of my way. Max: I don't have time to deal with any of your temper tantrums right now. Michael: And I don't have time for your Isabel: Stop it. Max is in charge, My husband's life is at stake, just do what he says! Michael leaves angrily and slams the door. Maria: Thanks for that assignment Max. (Maria leaves) Isabel: What is wrong with him? Max: I don't know. Let's go. They all leave. Michael and Maria in maria's car with Michael driving like a madman. Maria: Uh, Illegal wrong turn. Hello Isabel's apartment is that way (she points) Michael: We're not going to Isabel's apartment, we're doing things my way now. Maria: Uh, no Max said Michael: Max shoulda stayed dead. Maria: What did you just say. Michael: I'm the leader now. This is how it should have been from the beginning. Maria: All right you know what if this is a joke. Please note that I am in no way busting up. Michael: Look where following Max has gotten us. Alex died cause he betrayed us. He Doesn't even want to be king. Well I want it and I'm good at it and I am stopping this Jesse thing right now. Maria: Jesse's not going to tell anybody. Michael: Jesse is human. Nascado had it right. When someone finds out, they should be eliminated. Maria: Well if you follow that line of thinking then that would apply to me too huh? Michael: You said it I didn't. Maria: This isn't you! Michael: And you know what really pisses me off. No one ever listens to me. You didn't. Not Even when we were together. All you tried to do was make me weak. Maria: No, I loved you. Michael: I stay on this planet for you and you show you're appreciation by dumping me. Yeah you loved me. Suddenly the V on Michael's chest starts glowing blue. Maria: Michael what is on your chest? (she goes to look and sees the V) He goes to knock her hand away and swerves onto the side of the road. Michael: (he opens Maria's door) You never shut up now get out. Maria: Michael. Michael: (He pushes her) Get out! He squeels away before she even closes her door. Back at the Crashdown. Mr. Evans knocks on the crashdown door, he waves to Mr. Parker who is doing paperwork. Mr.Parker: Sorry Phillip the grill's cold. Mr. Evans: Actually I'm not here to eat. Mr.Parker: Oh, well um, Come on in then. Mr. Evans: Keeping busy? Mr.Parker: Well I've been better. What can I do for ya? Mr. Evans: Look, uh, I know I may be out of line with this but ah, it's Liz. Mr. Parker: What about her? Mr. Evans: I was wondering what brought her back from Vermont so soon? Mr.Parker: No offense Phillp, that's family business. Mr.Evans: I-I know it is. But, um, you gotta think it's a little strange. You know a smart Girl like her passing up an educational opportunity like that. You and I have talked about this Before how some of the things Max has Mr.Parker: Look, the girls at Winaman drank and did drugs. Liz felt uncomfortable around Her roommate. In the end it was worth the inconvienance to bring her back home. That's all. Your son had nothing to do with it. Mr. Evans: I see. I'm sorry to bother you. Mr.Parker: Aw. (holds up his hand) Mr.Evans: Oh. Did they give you your deposit back? Mr.Parker: No. Mr.Evans: Most private schools have an ommissions out clause. I could look into that for you. Mr.Parker: Na, it's all right. Mr.Evans: No,no. That's the least I can do. Mr.Parker: I'd appreciate it. (Phillip gets up to leave) Hey Phillip. Don't waste your time not Trusting your son. You know, life is complicated enough. They nod to each other and Phillip leaves. Max and Liz pull up to pick Maria up where Michael left her in the middle of no where. Maria: Ok. Michael's a freak show. Liz: What happened? Maria: He's like a desert wandering Ann Heche times a thousand, babbling about how Max Should have stayed dead because he'd be a better king or something. Max: That's insane. Maria: And he had this like weird thing on his chest. Max: Like what? Maria: I don't know it was like this weird V thing right here. (She shows Max the approx. area) Max: (Max draws the V symbol on the car) Did it look like this? Maria: Yes, that's it. Max: That's the royal seal of Antar. I-it's a mark I have inside me proving I''m the true king. Liz: What if the people who engineered and sent you here built in a back up plan. You know in Case anything happened to you, Michael was encoded to step up as leader. Max: But nothing happened to me, I'm fine. Maria: No, you died. Liz: Max, wait you said that Michael broke his hand. Max: He did. Liz: It looked fine to me, maybe he's inherited other things from you too. Maria: Like what? Back at the Valentis. Max tries to heal the cut on Kyle's hand. Max: It's not working I can't heal it. Liz: How about your other powers? Max: I'm losing the ones that are unique to me. Kyle: Great. So Michael's the bossman? Think he'll offer a benefits plan? Liz: Kyle. Kyle: What? I for one am panicing. I love the guy but I don't want to be a member of any Club where he's the leader. Isabel: What do we do? Max: We have to stop him. This is Michael to the Nth degree. Ruthless, impulsive, dangerous. Liz: The switch got flipped because Max died maybe Michael has to go through the same thing In order to be reset. Maria: No. Max, No. Max: I won't kill him. I just need to figure out a way to take the seal back. Where'd he go? At Isabel's apartment. Jesse: Isabel? Isabel? He turns on the light. Michael: You told them who we are? Jesse: Get the hell out. Michael: You sold us out didn't you? Jesse: Get the hell out Now! Michael: Didn't you! (Michael uses his powers to knock Jesse to the wall) Jesse: No! He moves him up the wall with his powers. Michael: I told Isabel not to bring another human into the secret. But she was so in love, so Max said yes. She was mine first did you know that? We were together before you were born. And we'll be together when you're nothing but bones. Michael finds a hidden camera in Jesse's breifcase. Michael: What do we have here. (he holds up the camera) Jesse: That's not mine. Michael: How'd it get in your breifcase? Jesse: I don't know. Michael: Goodbye Jesse. Just then the rest of the gang comes in. Isabel: Michael! Stop! She runs between Michael and Jesse and puts up her hand. Michael: Maxwell I was right. He was bugged he's working against us. Isabel: LET HIM GO! Jesse: Get out of here Isabel! He's crazy. Michael: Hey Shut up! Max: Back off Michael. Michael: No, he has to die. Max uses his powers and knocks Michael across the room. Jesse falls from the wall and Isabel helps him up. Max: Everybody out. Now! They all leave as Michael tries to slowly get up. Maria: Somebody please tell me it's going to be ok? Isabel: Listen Jesse you were right. We have to get away from here. From all of this so let's just go. Anywhere you want. Jesse: Anywhere? Isabel: Yeah, anywhere. Jesse: Ok, go get the car. Isabel: K. While Isabel goes to get the car Jesse makes a call to Agent Burnes. Agent: Hello. Jesse: Agent Burnes. I'm coming in. Back inside. Michael: You let him go? Max: Michael you have to listen to me. Michael: Hey, don't give orders to me. You died. (he unbuttons his shirt to show Max the Symbols) I'm king. It's your turn to get in line. Max: No. Michael: Ok, then. (He jumps on Max and they fall over the couch) They scrap for a couple of minutes, blowing things up until Max throws Michael back over the Couch. Michael: You're going to be very sorry you did that. They scrap some more. And Michael ends up having Max pinned. Michael: Follow me or die again. Max breaks the glass in the back door in Michael's face and he falls back. Michael screams. He has glass all in his eyes. Max: I will kill you Michael if that's what it takes to stop you. But trust me as someone who Just got back from there you don't want to go. Max puts his hand over the V and it absorbs back into Max. Back at the warehouse. Jesse and Isabel go in together. He shows her where the files were kept. Jesse: Listen you have two minutes. Destroy everything. Ok? Isabel sets all the files on fire with her powers while Jesse leaves to go confront Agent Burnes. Jesse: I told you I'd help you and you put that mic on me. Agent: Nothing personal, I just wanted to make sure you were a man of your word. Jesse: When I file a complaint with the federal prosecutor's office your finished Burnes. Now give me the tape. Agent Burnes: That Michael Guerin has a big mouth doesn't he? He was always one of our Prime suspects but we could never pin anything on him. Jesse: I am serious I will shut you down. Agent Burnes: I don't think so. (He goes and pulls out a gun) With this information I'll have the proper technicians knocking on doors tommorrow morning. Starting with your wifes. That said. (he hold up the gun preparing to fire) Thanks for your Help. In the next room Isabel is still burning the files when she hears a gunshot. Isabel: Jesse. She runs into the room that she heard the shot and finds Jesse and Agent Burnes. Jesse shot Him. Isabel: Oh gosh. Jesse: We have to go. Back at Michael's pad. Michael laying on his bed. Max hands him a snapple. Max: How are your eyes? Michael: They don't tickle. Thanks for healing them. Max sits down on the bed. Max: That was the best I could do with that. (he tried to heal the mark left by the V. It burned Into Michael's skin on his chest) Can I get you anything else? Michael: No. Max: Look. Michael, uh. We both said some things that we really didn't mean to. And I, I just wanted you to know that I Michael: Save the touchy feely stuff Maxwell. You're the king you did what you had to do. Max: I don't consider myself your boss. Michael: Got it. It's been a suck day, can I get some sleep? He gets up and leaves him alone. Jesse and Isabel drive to a wrecking yard. They put Agent Burnes into a car and close the trunk. Jesse: If they find him they'll identify him. Isabel uses her powers to burn his remains. Isabel: Not now. She uses her powers to pick up the car and move it to the compactor. They watch as the car is compacted. When they get back to their apartment they find it completely trashed. Isabel: If we drive all night we can make it to Dallas. Jesse: I killed a man. Isabel: In self defense. Jesse: I used my gun Isabel. Isabel: Since when do you have a gun. Jesse pulls it out from the back of his pants. Jesse: Since college. I kept it in a strong box in the desk. Isabel: I didn't know. Jesse: I guess I've got some secrets of my own. Isabel takes the gun and puts it into a frying pan and melts it into nothing. Then she throws it in the trash. Isabel: Let's pack. Come on. Let's just g Jesse: No. Isabel: Jesse we can leave Roswell and never come back. Jesse: It doesn't matter it will always be with us. Isabel: Please. Jesse: There's nowhere to go. I'm part of this for good now. Isabel: I love you. Jesse walks into his trashed livingroom and sits down on the couch and Turns on the tv as Isabel tries to clean up. Jesse is watching a show on cooking. Then the tv is turned off and the screen goes black.

Plan: A: their normal lives; Q: What do the gang try to return to? A: their lives; Q: What has gotten more complicated? A: Jesse; Q: Who is under FBI scrutiny? A: his newfound knowledge; Q: What is Jesse trying to come to terms with? A: Max; Q: Who's death created a unique situation? A: Michael; Q: Who becomes the new king? Summary: When the gang attempts to return to their normal lives, they soon find that their lives have gotten a lot more complicated, which includes Jesse attempting to come to terms with his newfound knowledge. Matters are complicated when he finds himself under FBI scrutiny, and Max's "death" creates a unique situation within the alien authority structure, resulting in a new king -- Michael.

Lisbon: Morning, captain. Agent Lisbon. Jane, consultant. What do we have here? Captain: Thanks for stepping in. Homicide unit owes you one. Jane. You're that psychic fella. Jane: Right. Captain: Me? I don't buy into that E. S.P. Crap. No offense. Jane: None taken. Captain: Here we have Ivor Rassmussen, age 34, address river park no sign of the murder weapon. Store security was on the scene pretty fast. We were able to detain everybody who was in the section at the time. We're holding them over in the furniture department. So, Carnac, what does Ivor say? He tell you who done it? Jane: Leather pants, musky cologne, phallic jewelry. A ladies' man. Went after high-end cougars with moderate success. Casual cocaine user. Plays guitar-not well. Works in the noncreative end of a creative business. Advertising, maybe. Nothing worth killing anyone over anyway. So he died from romantic reasons. Where are those suspects you mentioned? Captain: The witnesses? Jane: Whatever. Lisbon: Take it down a notch. Take it down three notches. Jane: Okay. Under control we'll get this done quick and be on our way. Hello. We're from the CBI. May well be that one of you is the murderer. If that's so, I'm gonna find out who. These two are innocent. They can go. Lisbon: Uh, stick around. We're gonna need a statement. Jane: Neil. What's the worst mistake you've ever made? Quick. Neil: Uh, first marriage. Jane: Good answer. Why so nervous? Neil: I'm not. I just-i... (mouths word) Jane: You. Your name? Candice: Candice. Jane: Candice. That name. Here. Thank you. It's okay. I'm a consultant. Candice, take my advice. Forgive your mother. Maybe the headaches will stop Candice: I love my mother. Jane: Oh, I'm wrong. Ignore my advice. You. Your name. Reed: Reed. Woman: Excuse me. This is a joke, right? Jane: A joke? A man has been killed . Is that funny to you? Are you amused? Woman: No, but- Jane: Then sit. Reed, quick question. Green Lantern versus Thor- who wins? Reed: Thor. Jane: Oh, yeah. Why'd you kill Rassmussen? Reed: I didn't. Jane: All right. Now, you, Miss grumpy and entitled, what's your story? Mandy: My name is Mandy Shultz. And I'll havyou know that my- Jane: Let me guess. Your husband is a very important person. Mandy: He is, as it happens. John's on the Modesto city council. And this is totally unprofessional and disrespectful. I'll have my husband take talk with your superiors. Jane: Mandy, Mandy, Mandy. The diet pills are messing with your mind. This is Sacramento, the big city. Your husband means nothing here. Captain: Okay, that's enough. Agent Lisbon? Lisbon: Give him another moment. Jane: Don't need a moment. Ca is all but closed. Mandy here is gonna lead us right to the murder weapon. Mandy: What? Jane: Take my hands. I need physical contact to read your mind. Mandy: You're nuts. Jane: Prove it. If I'm wrong, if we can't find the murder weapon, then I look like an idiot. Mandy: Yes, you will. What are you- Jane: Don't speak. (box lid falls) Voila! The murder weapon. Mandy: This is crazy. I had no idea that was there. Captain: How could you direct us right to it if you didn't put it there? Mandy: I didn't. I-I don't know. But I-I didn't kill that man. I-I didn't! Jane: She's right. She has nothing to do with the murder. Lisbon: What? Jane: I just used her as a decoy to lull the real killer into giving me clean directional cues. Captain: Oh, come on. What are you talking about now? Jane: Whatever way he didn't wants to go is the way that we went. Captain: The real killer. Jane: Yeah, you wanna guess who it is? Lisbon: Come on, Jane. Jane: Neil. Neil: Excuse me. No, i-it wasn't. I-I don't even know that man. Jane: Oh, is that right? I'm guessing that he was having an affair with your current wife. You found out and you forgave her like a sucker. He saw you here, probably smirked and said something very clever, made you feel... Small. Man: Grab him! Jane: Humiliated you! (both grunting) (glass shattering) Get him! Get him! Stop! Stop! Uhh! Lisbon: Nice work. Jane: What? Case is closed, isn't it? Voice (man O. C.): Put it down! ( gunshot ) (woman screams) I say drop it now! ( gunshots ) Minelli: A dead suspect, quarter-million dollars worth of damages, formal complains of misconduct from the SPD and the Modesto City Council. Lisbon: Those damages were way padded. Jane: All due respect, Virgil, I was trying to close the case. It was my feeling that Red John should be our priority, given the dozen frh leads- - Minelli: Stop! Stop. That's the nub of the problem right here... Red John. Ever since the Tanner incident, you've been runnin' way too hot. I fear a terminal screw up coming. Jane: That's not gonna happen. I can handle him. Minelli: Can you? Maybe since he saved your life, you're going easy on him. Maybe you feel compelled cut him some slack. Lisbon: No, sir. This absolutely not the case. Minelli: Hey, Sam, get in here. Bosco: Lisbon. Lisbon: Bosco. Minelli: Agent Bosco and his unit are taking over the Red John case. Jane: What? No, no, no. Minelli: You have always been too close to the case, and now both of you are way or close. We need to make a change. Lisbon: Can we talk about this? Minelli: No. You've worked for agent Bosco. You know that he will do the job right. Lisbon: You need to let my team finish what they started. Bosco: Teresa, no offense, but you guys aren't even close to catching this guy. Fresh set of eye gotta be a good idea. Jane: What do you know about the case? Bosco: Not much. He's a serial killer. 15 victims, including your wife and child. I can imagine your pain. Maybe that pain is clouding your judgment. Lisbon: And me, Sam? What's clouding my judgment? Bosco: Good question. You tell me? Rigsby: What happened? Lisbon: We're off Red John. Team: What? Forever? He can't do that. (Rigsby) Will we get reprimanded? (Van Pelt) Who gets it instead? Lisbon: Quiet. Look, this is my fault, but it's a wake-up call for all of us. We've grown slack and unprofessional. We need to earn back the trust that we've lost. From now on, we work 100% straight. No more shortcuts. No more ga- What are you doing? You're leaving? Jane: Well, frankly, if I can't use this job to seek some kind of personal revenge, then, uh, there's not a whole lot here for me. But I-I... I don't make anything better. I can't bring dead people back to life. What good do we do? We drive around California visiting unhappy people. Van Pelt: We're fighting evil and injustice. Jane: And how's that going? Any progress lately? Cho: We put bad guys away where they can't hurt people. That's good enough. Jane: I was doing more good as a psychic. I was giving people hope, at least. False hope, but hope anyway. (telephone rings) Van Pelt: Van Pelt. Lisbon: You're right. Best you leave. That way you can go back to bei a full-time fraud and we can continue our useless jobs in peace. Jane: Well, that's actually not what I said. Lisbon: Yes, it was. Van Pelt: We're up. Twenty palms. Lisbon: Let's go. You come, too, Van Pelt. We'll take two vehicles in case need to split up. Cho: I'll see you when you get there. Rigsby: Boss, no disrespect, but I think we need Jane. Lisbon: We'll manage. Maybe we don't close as many cases, but the ones we do close will be closed right, by professional. (buttons clicking) Van Pelt, it's not a jet plane. Van Pelt: Okay, okay, okay. ( car alarm wails ) S-sorry. Jane: Oh, I'm not gonna leave you in the lurch. I'll do one more case. Lisbon: Do up your seat belt. (starts engine) (police radio chatter) Lisbon: Van Pelt, you come with me. You guys talk to the first responders, see what they got. Policeman: Hey, the apartment's upstairs. We have a female caucasian, late 3. Ran license down already. It a fake. We're calling her Jane Doe. Lisbon: Who found the body? Policeman: The building manager noticed her door was open overnight. Last one down to the left. Jane: Thank you. Lisbon: What's your take? Van Pelt: Hit with a stun gun end suffocated with the cushion. And they were looking for something, obviously. Jane: Did they find it, Grace? Van Pelt: It's impossible to tell. Jane: Well, it seems they look everywhere possible. Yes? Van Pelt: Yeah. Jane: So we can assume that they didn't find it, whatever it is. Van Pelt: How so? Jane: Well, let's say there's a hundred places to look for a thing. How likely is it that you will find it in the hundred places you look? Lisbon: Not very likely, right? What else you got? Van Pelt: Um... No drug paraphernalia, no condoms or other items suggesting prostitution. So... Maybe a personal crime? A husband or lover? Jane: Bravo, Grace. Wrong, I expect but very well reasoned nonetheless. (Patrick sighs) Cho: Thank you, all. Appreciate it. Nothing off the car, but we'll have the lab boys take a look. It's still registered to the previous owner, sold it for cash six months ago. Lisbon: So basically we know nothing about her. Nice start. Jane: She's a law-abiding middle-class housewife that did something bad, something she feels terribly guilty about... guilty enough to make her run away and hide. Lisbon: That's evidence. You know the drill. Jane: You put "bullfrogs win high school basketball trophy" into a search engine, we will find Jane Doe's home. Rigsby: Can I take a look at that? Jane: Sure. Rigsby: It's a working truck. Dad must be in construction, something like that. Van Pelt: Bayshore Courier, April 2006. County finals- Lady Bullfrogs dominate injury-plagued Panthers. Jane: If they list the players, cross-check the surnames with the other articles from the same newspaper in the last year using the word disappearance. Cho: If we leave now, we can be in Bay Shore in a couple of hours. Lisbon: Oh, we need a title more than lady bullfrogs to go on. Van Pelt: "Bay Shore Courier" of June this year. Headline is "Police no closer to Dunninger." "since her disappearance last month, Bayshore PD have been unable to locate 43-year-old Monica Dunninger, the secretary accused of stealing nearly $1 million from her employers, the Jaffe Printing Group." Lisbon: Okay. Bayshore it is then. Van Pelt: So the killer must've been looking for the million bucks. Rigsby: If she had a million bucks, why would she live in a dump like this? Jane: Before we get on the freeway, it'd be good to take a little drive around the neighborhood, be good to find an empty house for sale. Lisbon: Why would that be good? Jane: I'm thinking of moving here. Lisbon: No secrets, Jane. No lies. No tricks. No surprises. The truth. Jane: Since when is that that rules? Lisbon: Since I said so. Jane: Else what? Lisbon: You're off the unit. Jane: That's not leverage. This is my last case, remember? The only reason I'm still here is 'cause I'm worried about how you guys would cope without me. Lisbon: Oh, really? So we are lost without you, are we? Jane: Well yeah. Let's be honest here. ( Lisbon closes SUV rear door ) Lisbon: Let's go. (starts engine) Jane: Wait. This... (sighs) (police radio chatter) Whoa! (brakes squeal) (shifts gears) Cho: What'd you say to em? Jane: Nothing, really. Total overreaction. Cho: Yeah. (sighs) Jane: We need to find a house for sale. (seat belt clicks) Cho: Ok. (shifts gears) Jane: Ah, there's a sign. (shifts gears) Perfect. (knock on door) (seat belt clicks) Cho: You gonna tell me what that's about? Jane: Wouldn't you rather it be a surprise? Cho: No. Jane: Oh, look. Look, look, strawberries. Lisbon: Strawberries? Jane: See? How good is that? Lisbon: Good. Cho, Rigsby, start canvassing the neighbors. Van pelt, come with me. Jane: Uh, I... Lisbon, uh... I'm sorry for what sayou before. Can I please continue working with you? Lisbon: I thought you were quitting. Jane: You know I didn't mean that. Lisbon: So the job is worth while, is it? Jane: Eh, it's not that. I mean, it's not that at all. It's just... I have nothing else to do. Lisbon: No jokes. From now on, there have to be boundaries. Jane: Agreed. Lisbon: I need to know that you can do your work and be effective without creating a mess that I have to clean up. Jane: No mess, I swear. Lisbon: On that basis, you can remain with the unit. Jane: Thank you. Here. Man: So how did she die? Lisbon: It s a homicide, but she didn't suffer. We don't have any suspects yet. Man: Where was she? Van Pelt: She was living alone in a small apartment in twenty palms. Cassie: I thought she'd be living it up in Mexico or somepla. She was always- Ansel: Stop it. I need to lie down. Man: Okay, champ, let's roll. (sighs) Cassie: I'm making some tea. Would you like a cup? Lisbon: No thank you. Jane: Oh, oh, I-I'd love a cup. Thanks. Cassie: Ansel, uh, had cancer. He's totally better now but still weak. (water pouring) Van Pelt: It's in remission? Cassie: Gone. 100%. We were blessed. Even the doctors were amazed. Jane: Oh, thank you. Tell me about your mother. Cassie: Sure. I'll tell you. (sets down mug) Stealing all that money and running off... that was just the icing on the cake. When Ansel got cancer, her way coping... painkillers and a sleazebag lover. That's mom. Jane: Did you know her lover's name? Cassie: Bodhi Andros. How we found out? (scoffs) Ansel goes to meet his mom at her yogarobics class. He finds her banging the teacher in his office. Can you imagine? Jane: Then what happened? Cassie: She did her dance. She's so ashamed, she's so sorry, she's changed. Whatever. And dad was halfway to forgiving her. He cant help it. He loves her. Jane: But you don' love her? Cassie: She... Never had time for me. So. I could always see through her games. You know? To the selfish cow beneath- Man: Cassie! Don't talk that way. She loved you. Look, she's dead. Show some respect. She was a beautiful soul, full of joy an-and big dreams. And reality just kinda beat her down. Cassie: But here's the thing. It was only because the robbery was in the news that the doctors at cedars of zion heard about ansel and reached out to help us. They took him on for free and they save his life- saved his life when everybody said there was no hope. You know, god works in mysterious ways. Jane: Well, you know, god doesn't necessarily, uh, answer- Lisbon: Thank you very much for you time. Jane: Yeah. Thank you. Very nice tea. Oh, uh, I almost forgot. Do either of you know a Miles Thorsen? Man: Uh, no, I don't. Cassie: No. Jane: You sure? Man: Yeah. Cassie: Yes. Jane: All right. Ansel. Hey, Ans! You know Miles Thorsen? Ansel: No. Jane: Okay. Bye. Lisbon: Thank you. Who's Miles Thorsen? Jane: No one in particular. Lisbon: This is what I'm talking about. Jane: No me, too. Y-you want no fuss, no mess, right? I am casting a wide, invisible net, the killer won't even know he's in it until it's too late. Lisbon: Miles Thorsen is an invisible net? Jane: Yes, he is. Van Pelt: We got an address on Bodhi Andros. Lisbon: Cho, Rigsby, go and check him out. Van Pelt, get on the money trail. Somebody's got that $1 million. Start with the dad and the daughter. See if either of them's been spending money they shouldn't have. Van Pelt: They looked clean me. Lisbon: Oh, did they? Okay, eat. Just let them be. Van Pelt: I don't... I'll check 'em out. Jane: Okay, come on. Let's get back to Sacramento, grumpy. Lisbon: What's the hurry? Jane: I have a meeting with Bosco. Lisbon: Good luck. [SCENE_BREAK] (sitar music playing) Woman: Great class, girls. Hey, and let's use that focus we found throughout the week, okay? Namaste. Namaste. Okay, thank you. (click, music stops) (beeping) Cho: I'm looking for Bodhi Andros. Woman: Oh, crap! Yeah, his office is upstairs, to the right. Cho: Thank you. Rigsby: Remember that time you said you'd been in juvie? Cho: Yep. Rigsby: You never said what you got sent there for. Cho: It's gang stuff. Rigsby: You were in a gang? What was the name of the gang? Cho: Avon park playboys. Rigsby: Avon park playboys? (chuckles) Cho: I didn't choose the name. (door shuts) Rigsby: And, uh, what kind of stuff did the playboys do? Cho: Nothing good. Rigsby: Like what? Cho: Nothing you need to know about. Rigsby: Mm, fair enough. Your call. See, I don't think partners should have secrets, but your call. Cho: Like don't have any secrets. Rigsby: What's the supposed to mean? Cho: You know what I mean. Hey, you in there. Police. CBI. Very slowly, stand up. Bodhi Andros: I'm unarmed, man. I have no weapons. Rigsby: Well, that's great. So come out slowly with your hands on your head, and I won't hurt you. Promise. Bodhi Andros: Okay, I'm coming out now. Don't shoot. Rigsby: Morning, sir. You Bodhi Andros? Bodhi Andros: Yes, I am. Cho: Turn around. Jane: Sorry I'm late. Bad traffic. What are you having? Bosco: What are you having? Jane: Well, I'll have a bottle of water, thanks. Bosco: A dog with kraut, bottle of water. (metal clangs) Thank you. Bosco: Keep it. (nods) Jane: Oh, thank you. I'm not happy I'm off the Red John case. You might be right. Fresh set of eye may be what's needed. Now here's the thing, Sam, if I may. I know this case. I can be a very good resource for you. If we could just come to some kind of understanding... Bosco: You want me to, uh, keep you up to date on the case? Jane: Yeah, sure. Bosco: Tell you about fresh leads, etcetera. Jane: Yeah, let's just keep an open line of communication. Good? (mouth full) Bosco: Wife has me on a diet. Mm-hmm. This is like committin' adultery here. (chuckles) Let me communicate this to you. You're a party entertainer, a clown. Fresh leads? I wouldn't tell you where the bathroom is if your ass was on fire. (Jane chuckles) Do we have a good understanding now? Jane: I understand you. It may take you some time to understand me. Bosco: You're filled with equal parts self-loathing and self-love. You're addicted to control. You're terrified of confinement. Jane: Who's my favorite Beatle? Bosco: Your wife wanted you to quit the psychic trade. She begged you to stop, but you were making too much money. You were havin' too much fun. You can still hear her pleading with you. How am I doin'? Jane: You read the interviews in my case files. You can read very impressive. Bosco: Look Patrick, I'm sorry to be so blunt with you. Jane: Really? Bosco: You're not a detective. You're a victim. Lisbon: You never said. How was your meet with Bosco? Jane: What? I can't hear you! Lisbon: I said, how did it go with Bosco? Jane: I can't... Lisbon: (loudly) How did it go with Bosco? Jane: Good. It was, uh, it was very good. We had a Frank exchange of views. Lisbon: So he's gonna keep us in the loop? Jane: No. Lisbon: No? Jane: Wouldn't direct me to the bathroom if my ass was on fire. Think that's funny? (chuckles) Yeah. Man: So that's Mrs. Jaffe over there. Jane: Thank you. Man: Sure Lisbon: What are you gonna do? Jane: Nothing. Lisbon: Nothing? Jane: If you sit down by he riverbank and wait long enough, you will see the bodies of your enemies float by. Shall we? Rhonda Jaffe: Agent Lisbon, is it? I'm Rhonda Jaffe, company chairwoman. Lisbon: This is my colleague Mr. Jane. Rhonda: Hello. Lisbon: Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to us. Rhonda: Oh, not at all. And you wanted to meet with my finance director Greg Humphrey? Lisbon: Yes, ma'am. Rhonda: All right. Well, let's speak in my office. Lisbon: Did you know Monica Dunninger? Rhonda: Oh, yeah. I know everyone on staff. So sad. The whole thing is just so sad. The poor woman. More troubled than conniving, I'm sure. And you know, it's not the money. It's more the loss of trust. This is very, very much a family firm. And my father always used to say, Jaffe Printing is about values, not about machinery. (elevator bell dings) Jane: Do you know Miles Thorsen? Rhonda: Miles Thorsen? No. Jane: Are you sure? Rhonda: Yes. Lisbon: Seriously, stop it. Jane: Relax. I saved her life. She resents me. Rhonda: Oh, really? (beep) Jill? Jill? Jill, where has Greg Humphrey gone to? He's supposed to be in here. (beep) (beep) Hello? (beep) Greg: Humble apologies. Small crisis on the inventory desk. Solved. Uh, Greg Humphrey. Good to meet you. Jane: Patrick Jane. Lisbon: We're investigating the murder of Monica Dunninger. Greg: Yes. Terrible. Horrible. Lisbon: You were her direct supervisor, is that right? Greg: I know what you're gonna say, and yes, yes, it was my fault that she stole from us. Mea culpa. I-I should've known. Rhonda: Greg is like family practically. Greg: We all make mistakes We live, we learn, we move on. Lisbon: Uh, can you explain to us how she did it? In layman's terms? Greg: Been there, done that with the top men from the FBI financial unit. Do we really need to talk it again? Lisbon: Yes. Greg: No problem. Jane: Thank you. Lisbon: What exactly was her position here? Greg: Assistant office manager. She kept the petty cash accounts. Coffee and doughnut monitor essentially. This was her office. Lisbon: How did she manage to steal so much money? Greg: When the accounting and finance systems were integrated, nobody thought to firewall the TTY cash accounts. Monica acquired user access to the transactional sites and created a false vendor. I didn't think she had the brains, to be honest. We don't know exactly how she did it because she fried her hard drive and she took her accounts book with her. Jane: Are we about to look at a whole bunch of numbers? Lisbon: Probably. Jane: All right. I'll wait in the car. Lisbon: Go. (keyboard clacking) Jane: Do you know a man named Miles Thorsen? Greg: No. Jane: You sure? Think about it. Greg: I'm sure. Who is he? Jane: Never mind. Lisbon: Please continue. Would you excuse me? (Van Pelt on phone) Van Pelt: Boss, I think I found something. The victim's daughter, Kessie Dunninger... she handles the family money, pays the bills. Five months ago, she stopped paying the rent by standing order, switched to cash. Same thing with the utility bills. Paid in cash. Lisbon: Nice work. Go and talk to her. She doesn't have a good answer, bring her in. Van Pelt: Will do, boss. (whispers) Yes! (keys jingling) Cho: Why did you hide from us, Bodhi? Bodhi: Fear, man. Fear. I've been frightened for my life here since I heard. Cho: Why? Who killed her? Bodhi: Either it was her goober husband finally snapped, which puts me next in line, or it's whoever she went into business with, and maybe they think I know too much. Cho: She was in business with someone? Bodhi: Just before she disappeared, she came by to see me, told me she made a business deal with someone that would make everything all right. Cho: A business deal? Were those the words she used? Bodhi: Yep. She was starting a new day in her life and wanted to make amends and apologize for being such a pain in the butt, which she was. Cho: How so? Bodhi: She was way too deep into her family and to her kids and all that crap. Loved those kids. Why do I want to talk to her about her sick boy? Like I can help? Cho: You're not a doctor. Bodhi: Exactly. When we were caught by that kid, she just... went to pieces, you know? And I'm like, don't get so down on yourself. You gotta love you even if you're a total screw up, right? The greatest. Love... of all. Whitney was right, as usual. (whispers) Cho: Right. You know a man named Miles Thorsen? Bodhi: No. Who's he? Cho: I don't know. Van Pelt: Is that enough sugar? Cassie: Yes thank you. Van Pelt: So, Cassie, tell me about the money. Cassie: About a month after she ran off, mom called me, said she wanted to help out, wanted to know how Hansel was doing. She loves us so much, blah, blah, blah. I told her to go to hell, and I hung up. 2 days later, I got a letter with $5,000 in cash inside. Van Pelt: Any message? Cassie: "With love, mom." That was it. What was I supposed to do, give it to the police? Van Pelt: Actually, yes. Cassie: Well, I didn't. We really needed the money. Van Pelt: Did you ever tell your dad about the money. Cassie: No. Van Pelt: How often did she send you money? Cassie: $5,000 every month. Van Pelt: Did you ever write back to her? Cassie: No. Lisbon: I like her for this. Jane: How so? Lisbon: She despises mom. (door opens) Mom's got $1 million stolen dollar, gets in contact secretly. Do the math. Jane: Maybe. Lisbon: No? What's your take? Jane: I'd be guessing. Could be anybody. Lisbon: Not anybody. You didn't do it. I didn't do it. You're distracted. You're thinking about Bosco and Red John. Focus on the job at hand. Jane: You're glad Bosco has the Red John case, aren't you? Lisbon: Bosco is good agent. He's as good as they come. It might not be such a bad thing that we're off the case for a while. We got too close. Jane: Is that what your shrink tells us? Lisbon: Everybody tells me that. Jane: But your shrink didn't tell you that, didn't he? Okay, may-maybe you're right. Maybe-maybe that's the truth. Maybe we did get a little too close. I'm not so sure. But I'll think about it. Lisbon: Liar. I've got a deposition. See that box ever there? (slaps leg) It's got Monica Dunninger's possessions in it. Go through it, see what you can see. Jane: Yes, ma'am... Uh, who wants to come with me out to Twenty Palms to catch the killer? Rigsby: Did Lisbon okay this? Jane: Of course. Rigsby: What is this place? Jane: Guess. Cho: Miles Thorsen's house. Jane: Exactly. Rigsby: Who's Miles Thorsen? Jane: I have no idea. Rigsby: Isn't that your number? Jane: Uh, yeah, that's my number. That's in case the killer gets here before us. That way, he'll call us. Who's that over there? (door rattling) Rigsby: Hey, we have no warrant. Cho: Don't you hear someone yelling in there? Rigsby: No. Jane: I heard something. Rigsby: There's no yelling. I have perfect hearing. Cho: I could swear I heard someone. (sighs) Rigsby: Okay, so what are we doing here? (sighs) Jane: Everybody involved is wondering who Miles Thorsen is. Huh? The killer will be double curious. Triply, even. Maybe the mysterious Miles Thorsen has what the killer is looking for, what he didn't find. When they look him up, they'll learn there's a Miles Thorsen who lives right around the corner from Monica. Hey, Presto. Rigsby: This is extly the kind of stuff the boss was tking about. She didn't okay this at all, did she? Jane: So shoot me. "The fax machine revolution-the little box that'sing our world." why would Monica Dunninger be reading this book? Rigsby: You, Cho, shouldn't enable this kind of crap. Cho: We're not doing anything wrong. What's the problem? Rigsby: Uh, burglary, trespassing, willfull damage to property. Cho: Yeah, door was open. Rigsby: Uh, no, it wasn't. Jane: Of course. Rigsby: What? Jane: Rigsby, you' right. You shouldn't be here. Let us take this. You go find the nearest library. Rigsby: Why? (sighs) Jane: Your punishment for being a wuss is I'm not gonna tell ya. Rigsby: Oh, come on. Jane: Nope, I'm not gonna tell you. Rigsby: Fine. Fine. Whatever. Oh, ho! (door opens and closes) Jane: Call when you're there. Cho: So what's the gag? Jane: Oh, there's no gag. I solved the case. Cho: I thought you already did that. I thought that's why we're waiting here. Jane: Nope. This is, uh... Well... this is more of a fishing expedition. You know, maybe we get a bite Maybe we don't. That's the fun of it. We just sit back, relax, dangle our feet in the water. Jane: This guy predicted that by the year 2000, every American household will have a fax machine. Can you believe that? I had a fax machine. You? Cho: Yeah. Jane: Nostradamus of office equipment. Cho: See, this is why I don't like fishing. We not gonna catch anything. Jane: We have some very tasty bait. I'm very confident. Cho: Did you consider that the killer found the money already? Jane: I don't think it was money they were looking for. I don't think Monica ever her it. Cho: Then what did she have then? And who has the money? Salesman's House: Great bones. Original mid century detail. Great new copper piping that... (door creaks) Jane: Hello. Did you have a fax machine in 2000? Cho: No cause for alarm, sir. We're law enforcement officers. CBI. Saleman: Kimball... Cho. Okay. What are you doing here, Kimball? Is there a problem? Cho: It's an ongoing investigation, sir. We can't give out any details. Jane: Grisly homicide, though. Saleman: Why don't we take a look at that duplex on Royston? Shall we? Jane: That's a good call. (door creaks) Cho: Damn it. Jane: Relax. Cho: He got my name. Jane: Well, you spoke the truth. We are an ongoing investigation. Cho: Yeah, but we're supposed to be working 100% straight. This is not that. (door creaks) Rhonda: I'm-I'm sorry. Wr-wrong address. Jane: Rhonda! Come back. Rhonda: I'm here out of curiosity, that's all. Jane: Well, of course. Rhonda: I've got nothing else to say without my lawyer. Jane: You don't need to say anything. I knew it was you from the start. Cho: Thanks for sharing. Jane: Well, when I say I-I knew it was her, I-I mean, I-I guessed, I subconsciously thought it was her when I saw a photo of her holding large check outside cedars of zion. It was you that stole the $1 million from your own company. Rhonda: Why would I do that? Jane: Well, degenerate gambling would be my guess but whatever your problem is, when threatened with exposure, you made a deal with poor Monica. If she'd take the blame and disappear you'd get Hansel into the best Cancer program in California and pay her a monthly wage to stay gone. Rhonda: That's absurd. Jane: But then Ansel got cured, and there's way Monica was gonna stay gone, not much longer. Then you had to silence her. Rhonda: That's pure fiction. You have no proof at all. Jane: We... we have proof. Wait. Yeah, where is it? Here it is. Yep. (clears throat) This is gonna be good. (beep) (dialing) Rigsby: Yep, I'm here. I know, I know. "The Fax Machine Revolution" is a library book, and Monica Dunninger swapped it. Hold on. I'm checking it. All right. Got it. Wait up. Looks like an accounts book. There's a DVD in it. Monica: "This is just to say that... in case something happens to me, that I swear on the bible that everything in the account book is the truth. I know that I've pretty much lost your love and respect for good. But I hope that this deal that I've made would help Ansel get better and will make up for some of the hurt that I've caused. I love you all so much, especially you, Kessie, even though you think I don't. I'm just so sorry for this mess that I've made. Please forgive me. Goodbye." (TV turns off) Lisbon: The book spells out the deal. Monica took the fall for her boss so that Hansel would have the best possible treatment. Nice work. (sobbing) (whispers) Oh. (Kessie continues sobbing) (imitating Bosco) Jane: Sam Bosco here. CBI major crimes program. Question. How do I go about changing my use access passcode? I go strong reason to believe it's been compromised. Yeah, great. Sure. Sure, I can hold.

Plan: A: the Red John case; Q: What case does Minelli assign to Agent Sam Bosco? A: one; Q: How many more cases does Jane decide to solve before leaving the CBI? A: a woman; Q: Who was found suffocated? A: her employer; Q: Who was the woman accused of stealing a million dollars from? A: the team's suspicions; Q: What is aroused? A: poverty; Q: What was the woman living in? A: her family; Q: Who was the woman estranged from? A: a son; Q: What family member of the murder victim had cancer? A: expensive cancer treatment; Q: What was the woman's son treated for? A: household bills; Q: What did the daughter start to pay in cash? Summary: Minelli decides to assign the Red John case to Agent Sam Bosco , believing that Teresa Lisbon and Patrick Jane are too close to the case. Jane therefore decides to solve "one more case", then leave the CBI. They investigate the murder of a woman who is found suffocated after being accused of stealing a million dollars from her employer. But the team's suspicions are aroused because she was living in poverty, and estranged from her family including a son who has recovered after receiving expensive cancer treatment for free, and a daughter who mysteriously started to pay household bills in cash. Jane agrees to stay on with the CBI.

Andy: Erin. Erin: Yeah. Andy: In two minutes I want you to come into this meeting and tell me I have a really important phone call. I'm not going to take it because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me. Erin: Who's calling? Andy: Nobody. Just say that I'm- Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then I'm going to refuse to take it. Erin: You're not going to take it? Andy: Just make up a phone call. It's not a real call. Make it up. Erin: Ohohohoh. Andy: And come and tell me. Doesn't matter what it is. Erin: You're not going to get it though? Andy: I'm not going to take it. And then he's going to be like "whoa this is a really important meeting". Erin: Copy that. Andy: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Ok, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now and I'll tell you how we can beat it. Client: Uh well we've been going with... Erin: Andy. Andy: Yeah. Erin: You have a very important call. Andy: I'm sorry - I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait. Erin: Are you sure? It's really, really important. Andy: There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting. Erin: Really? Because your mother is dead. Client: Oh my God. Andy: I don't think she's dead. Erin: She's dead. She was hit by a bus. Andy: She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls. Erin: This isn't one of those times. It's the police. They said it's the worst they've ever seen. Dwight: Andy I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences. Client: Oh you must take this call. It's... Andy: Yeah. Um line 1? Erin: Line 2. Andy: Hi. Darryl:[on phone]It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died. Andy: Ooh, gosh! Darryl: Dude. Andy: Officer. Darryl: Look man this is a bad idea. Andy: Did she have any last words or? Darryl: Really? That is messed up man. Andy: Oh make sure that your client gets the best deal possible. Darryl: You're a bad man Andy Bernard. Andy: That is so mom. Darryl: That stuff can come back to get you. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle... Andy: Alright thank you officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey Cathy. Cathy: Hi. Pam: How's it going? Everything make sense? Cathy: I think everything is under control. Pam: Great. Cathy: You should sit down. Pam: Oh no, I'm fine. Cathy: No I should go fill out my paperwork. Pam: Ok [squeaking sound] Oh that was just me. Pregnant Pam. And I make sounds much worse than this. Dwight: Oh we know. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I'm training a temp to be my replacement while I'm on maternity leave. Oh I should've mentioned I'm pregnant. You probably didn't notice because it's impossible to tell I'm so small. But yeah I'm pregnant. [another squeak] Oh come on! [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Hey - asking for a friend. Do you happen to know if that new girl is single? Jim: Hmm. Doubt it. Ryan: Yeah me too. Pam: You doubt it? Jim: What's that? Pam: Why do you doubt that she's single? Jim: Honestly I have no idea. I just figured we'd save her from Ryan right? [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: What are you doing with my lunch? Andy: I'm delivering it from the fridge. It's like a porno. Hey did anyone order a pizza? Darryl: It's not pizza. Andy: Yeah and we're not about to make love. I just thought maybe you'd want to eat lunch at your desk today so that during lunch we could go down to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes. Darryl: I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in? Andy: Uh you tell me [Kevin playing drums with chicken legs] [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: So word on the street is she has a boyfriend. Gabe: Well he's probably a drug dealer. That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just uh get her hooked on blow. Toby: It's going to be nice to have just a healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office. Oscar: Yeah aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence. Offscreen: Good energy Pam: It's going to be good to have someone hot at Pam's desk huh? Oscar: No, no. Not even. Pam: I'm kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! She's obviously super cute I get it. But I'd like to point out there's 50 pounds more of me to love if that's your thing. Oscar: Pam you look more beautiful now than ever. Toby: Radiant. Pam: Thank you. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet. Phyllis: Yeah you have this sexy glow. Gabe: It's one of the most common fetishes. Pam: Really well thank you all. Toby: You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren. Ryan: Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing? Toby: You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It's a pregnant Helen Mirren. [everyone agrees] Dwight: Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what you're saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman. Oscar: In this case yes. Dwight: No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman. Phyllis: No we're not. Dwight: Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That's right. You're fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [scatting] Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de, ske-be-de-bapa-de-bapa-boopa-dooten-bebe-daten-booray. Darryl: Nice scatting, man. Andy: Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point. Val: Not bad fellas, you're better than you look. Kevin: Hey, screw you! Andy: [sees Robert California enter] Hey Robert, are we meeting early? Robert: Just taking a stroll. What exactly have I stumbled upon here? Andy: Well we're all musicians and we play together sometimes. Robert: You're a band. Andy: Thank you. Kevin: We're called Kevin and the Zits. Darryl: That was never agreed upon. Robert: I miss being in a band. Andy: Miss no more! What do you play? Join us! Kevin: I have a tambourine. Robert: Tambourine? You know I'm the CEO, right? Andy: [to Kevin] CEOs don't play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends. Robert: I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car. Andy: Great! Kevin: Nice guys, Robert is going to be a Zit! Darryl: Again, never agreed upon. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California and now he wants to be in our band! And when you're in a rock and roll band with somebody, you're bonded for life! Darryl: Usually that life is short and tragic. That's okay, right? Andy: Yeah, even cooler. Kevin: We all got to go sometime. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: Helen Mirren. Hot? Jim: Yeah. Super pretty. Pam: Huh. What about Cathy? Jim: The temp? Pam: Yeah. Do you think she's hot? Jim: Nope. Pam: I'm not asking if you're in to her. Just, objectively, do you find her attractive? Jim: And I'm telling you, I don't. Pam: You don't find Cathy attractive? Jim: No, I don't. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: No, I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Look at her. Even I want some fries with that shake. Jim: Okay. Uh, I don't. So are we good? [Jim leaves] Dwight: That's just absurd. Pam: Yes, because she's hot, right? Dwight: Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry- come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like you're a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true. I know it sounds nuts, but I think Dwight is the only one who's telling me the truth. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Dwight, am I hot right now? Dwight: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction. Pam: What about before? Was I attractive before? Dwight: Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low. Pam: Hmm. I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy. Dwight: You think Jim's lying? [laughs] That's so cute. I know he's lying. Pam: Five bucks if you can get him to admit it. Dwight: Done. [Pam goes for a high five] I never touch a pregnant woman. Pam: Yep, that's the Dwight I need. Dwight: If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules. Pam: Okay. Dwight: Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth. Pam: I think so. Okay. Dwight: Rule two: we stop at nothing. Pam: Well, what does that... is that... okay. Dwight: Rule three: Don't fall in love. Pam: Yep, good. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: We're gonna bust this guy. Pam: Honesty is very important to me. Dwight: So important. And then we will destroy the man himself. Pam: Let's just see how we feel when we get there. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Well, you came to the right person. You have to follow your intuition, Pam. You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren. Actually, what am I saying, you wish you had her life- no offense, Pam. Dwight: None taken. What do you got? Kelly: It is called the matchmaker test, and it is very powerful. Basically we have Pam ask Jim which of his friends he would set up with Cathy. If Jim picks a really hot friend, then we know that he thinks that Cathy's hot. Pam: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: [to the keyboardist, Curtis, and the drummer] Hey, you found us! Curtis: You guys sound great, man. Robert: Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough, local musician and the officiate at my wedding. Darryl: Local musician? Local legend! I used to come hear you play every week at the Deerhead. Kevin: [to drummer] Dude, you're on TV! You're the sportscaster on channel seven. Drummer: Go Eagles! [laughs] Kevin: You do that on TV! Robert: You guys mind if they join us? Andy: Yeah, absolutely! Kevin: Guys, I've got some instruments right here. [holds up tambourine and güiro] Darryl: Hey, why don't you and me play those? Kevin: Yeah? Okay, this is awesome. Robert: What should we play? Kevin: Maybe we should warm up with some scales? Robert: Midnight Rambler? Curtis: Yeah. Andy: Midnight what? Curtis: [singing] Have you heard about the midnight rambler? [Lisa, the guitarist, enters] Hey, come on in, baby. Yeah! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey, I was talking to Cathy. Turns out she is single. Jim: Oh, I stand corrected. Pam: I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone. Any ideas? Jim: Oh, you know who might be good? Mike Tibbets. Pam: Mike Tibbets, really? Jim: Mm-hmm. Ryan: Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy? What kind of car does he drive? Jim: Not his mom's car. Ryan: Yeah, 'cause his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z. Jim: Touche? [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [sees photo of Mike Tibbets] Eww! Pam: Kelly, calm down. Kelly: I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair. Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs. Pam: I don't think Jim cares about his hair. Kelly: Yeah, but I do Pam, okay? It's called being a nice person. Dwight: I don't see what's so ugly about him. He's got the broad face of a brewer. Pam: Jim's on to me. Dwight: Hmm? Pam: Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike. We had to go through like two levels of friends to even find his profile. Jim picked someone just unattractive enough to shut me up without tipping it. Dwight: Just ugly enough to have deniability. Pam: Yep. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I'm in the clear. If that wasn't for the matchmaker test, then... Cathy, he's a really nice guy. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Well, Jim may be lying with his words, but he can't lie with his body. Kelly: I'm gonna write something mean on his wall. Pam: No, Kelly, don't. Dwight: The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest, mirroring, increased blood flow to the crotch. I say we start there. Pam and Kelly: With the crotch? Dwight: With the crotch. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [music plays] Whoo! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Psst. We're not here. [slips Toblerone candy to Creed] Creed: Who said that? Dwight: Exactly. Creed: How'd I get this long triangle? Dwight: Okay, just shut it. Pam: Is he puffing out his chest? Dwight: I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken. [Jim says something and Cathy laughs] Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that? Pam: No. Maybe he just said something funny. Dwight: Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam. You should know that. Pam: I think he's just making her laugh. Dwight: Time for me to find out. Pam: Why's he making her laugh so much? Dwight: Just going to walk over here- [fake trips] whoa, whoa, I'm slipping and falling! Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to! [grabs Jim's crotch] Jim: Dwight! Cathy: Are you okay? Dwight: I'm fine, I'm totally fine. Jim: Dwight! Dwight! Dwight: Yes? [Jim pushes Dwight's hands away] Wha- Jim. Jim: [to Cathy] Sorry about that. Dwight: Aw, cramp, I'm just- [grabs Jim's crotch again] Jim: Dwight! [pushes Dwight's hands away] Why? Dwight: I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance. Jim: Leave. Dwight: [to Pam] Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft pen1s for nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Why was he making her laugh so much? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oh, hey, I'll just be a second. Cathy: Yeah, take your time. Pam: Okay. Cathy: [to Jim] Oh, that line from Zoolander? Jim: Mm-hmm? Cathy: It was from a deleted scene so we were both right. Jim: [laughs] Told you. Cathy: Um, do I hand in my expense reports to a particular accountant or- Pam: Oscar, Cathy has a question! Cathy: Sorry, um, I'll just go ask Oscar. Pam: [to Jim] Yeah? Jim: You okay? Pam: Why won't you just admit that she's attractive? It's kind of annoying that you won't say it. Jim: Okay, what can I do to make you believe me? Pam: Well, Dwight had this idea, and I thought it was kind of crazy. But maybe that's where we are now. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Yeah, its nuts. But I don't know what else to do. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: And she called it nuts? [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Seriously, that was hot. Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going. Kevin: Mm-hmm. Andy: Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan? Kevin: Are you serious? From Star Trek? Darryl: [to Val] Hey, you caught some of that? Val: I caught it. Darryl: What, you don't like the blues? Val: I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues. Andy: Well, we are playing. We're all playing together. These are our jam buddies. It's a jam session. We go where the music takes us. [music starts] Val: I think the music left without you. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Come on. Jim: Stop shoving me. Dwight: [mocking] Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my pen1s. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs. Jim: [to Pam] Really? Pam: This could all go away if you just tell me the truth. Old Man: Uh, are you all in line? Dwight: Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man? [to Jim] Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert? Jim: Si. Pam: Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him? Dwight: We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is. Old Man: You have to share the machine with others. Dwight: [mimicking] Well, that's what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten. Jim: Okay, Dwight, come on. [to old man] You can go first. Old Man: Thank you. Dwight: Jim, are you serious? Jim: Oh, you know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Maybe we could switch instruments. Kevin: Yeah. Andy: 'Cause, uh, my body's starting to get bruised. Darryl: Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: We had to leave because of creative differences. Darryl: Yeah they kind of had a specific sound that didn't really fit in with our thing. Kevin: Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now. Darryl: No man, we are. Andy: Well- Darryl: No, no, no. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [to old man] Okay, you're done. Old Man: I have a new heart, you know. Dwight: Do you really, Tin Man? Okay, where were we? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: No, I'm not worried. Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back... yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years. But in my defense, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Do you find Cathy Simms attractive? Jim: No. Dwight: Yep, he's lying. Pam: Ah, see, was that so hard? Jim: I am not lying. Pam: Really? Jim: Pam, are you really gonna listen to his stupid homemade test? Dwight: I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he's lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really? Pam: Wait, what? Dwight: Look at the numbers. Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar. Pam: Jim, you have high blood pressure. Dwight: Oh, he is definitely attracted to her. Pam: Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure? Jim: Yeah, but I don't smoke. Pam: When was the last time you went to the doctor? Jim: I don't know. Dwight: It's important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it- Pam: Dwight, stop. I'm not kidding, I mean, I need you to take care of yourself. What would we do if something happened to you? Jim: Okay, easy. Trust me, I'm around for the long-haul. Dwight: It's not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man. Jim: Okay. Pam: Come on, let's go. I wanna call your doctor. Dwight: Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name? Pam: Just go home. It doesn't matter. Dwight: But... hey, Cece's toothbrush. Jim: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy and Darryl: Oh baby I love your way. Darryl: Every day. Andy and Darryl: Wanna be with you night and day. Darryl and Kevin: And day. Andy and Darryl: Oh baby I love your way. Andy: [scatting] Rudit-do-do-do-di-do.

Plan: A: Cathy Simms; Q: Who is the temporary worker that Pam trains? A: Lindsey Broad; Q: Who plays Cathy Simms? A: maternity leave; Q: What does Pam go on? A: Dwight's support; Q: Who does Pam enlist to help her show Jim that Cathy is attractive? A: Jim; Q: Who does Pam think finds Cathy attractive? A: Robert; Q: Who surprises Andy, Kevin, and Darryl by asking to join their band? A: several professional musicians; Q: Who does Robert bring in to join the band? A: three; Q: How many members were in the band before Robert joined? A: a discovery; Q: What does Pam make about Jim's health? Summary: Pam trains a temporary worker, Cathy Simms ( Lindsey Broad ), to take her place while she is on maternity leave, and enlists Dwight's support when she tries to show that Jim finds her replacement attractive. Meanwhile, Robert surprises Andy, Kevin, and Darryl when he asks to join their band. However, he soon brings in several professional musicians and kicks the original three members out, forcing them to happily play outside by the dumpster. Pam makes a discovery about Jim's health amidst the execution of her plans with Dwight.

Scene opens to Seth staring at Ryan intently, holding up a candy cane and a menorah. Seth: So, what's it going to be, huh? You want your menorah or a candy cane, hmm? Christmas or Hanukkah? Ryan: Um... I'm not- Seth: Ah! Don't worry about it buddy, because in this house, you don't have to choose. Allow me to introduce to you a little something that I like to call... Chrismukkah. Ryan: Chrismukkah? Seth: That's right. It's the new holiday, Ryan, and it's sweeping the nation. Sandy and Kirsten walk in, carrying a Christmas tree. Sandy: Hey fellows. We go the tree. Seth: Or atleast the living room. Sandy: Guys, a little help? Ryan walks over to help Sandy. Seth: I saved a spot for you right there. Put your muscle into it. Excellent. To the right a little. To the right, don't hurt it. Those needles are brittle. That's perfect. (Starts clapping) You guys... you guys... "A+". "A+". I love the holidays. I love them all. Kirsten: We didn't really know how to raise Seth. Seth: Yeah, so I raised myself, and in doing so, I created the greatest super holiday known to mankind, drawing on the best that Christianity and Judaism have to offer. Ryan: And you call it Chrismukkah. Seth: (He gasps) Just hearing you say it makes me feel all festive. Allow me to elaborate. He walks over to Sandy. Seth: You see, for my father here, a poor struggling Jew growing up in the Bronx, well, Christmas meant Chinese food and a movie. He now walks over to Kirsten. Seth: And for my mom over here - WASPy McWASP - well, it meant a tree, it meant stockings and all the trimmings. Isn't that right? Sandy: We're very proud. Kirsten: I'm not a WASP. Seth: Sure, you're not. Other highlights include eight days of presents followed by one day of many presents. So, what do you think? Ryan: Uh, sounds great for you guys. Sandy: For you, too. Seth: Hey, dip a toe in the Chrismukkah pool. There's room for all of us. Kirsten: Isn't there something in the Atwood family tradition that you would like to incorporate into Seth's uber holiday? Ryan: Atwood and holidays is not a good combination. Sandy: What did you guys do? Ryan: No, seriously, thanks, but uh... Seth: Come on, man. There's got to be something. Ryan: My holiday memories pretty much consist of my mom drunk and me getting my ass kicked. Seth and Kirsten fall silent. Sandy: Well, this year will be entirely different. Kirsten: New memories. It'll be great. Ryan: Yeah. Well, whatever you want me to do, I'll do. Seth: That's the spirit. Come here. Seth holds his arms open for a hug as Ryan walks right past him. Seth: Oy, humbug. Kirsten: It's a big holiday for anyone. Sandy: Yeah, I'm still wrapping my head around it. Just give him some time. Kirsten: Why don't we trim the tree? Seth: You know what, you guys? Soon, Ryan will learn the magic of Chrismukkah. Worry not. I will convert him. Seth closes his eyes and rings a little bell. Opening credits. [SCENE_BREAK] Open to Seth sitting on a bed in the pool house, surrounded by wrapping paper and other things. Ryan walks in. Ryan: I was in the shower for five minutes. How did this place turn into Santa's workshop? Seth: I see someone took down the wreath I hung on the door. Ryan: It fell. What are you wrapping? Seth: Two Seth Cohen starter packs. We got Death cab, we got Bright Eyes, we got The Shins, we got Cavelier and Klay, and we got Goonies. It's not just for kids, Ryan. It's not. I don't care what they tell you. Summer and Anna are going to love them both equally. Ryan: You're getting Summer and Anna the same thing? Seth: Yes, I am. Sometimes I'm so crafty, I surprise myself. Ryan: No good can come of this. You know that, right? Seth: Uh, nope, I don't. Ryan: You're going to have to choose, man. Seth: Hey, not on Chrismukkah I don't, okay? There's no choosing in Chrismukkah. Ryan: Well, you didn't get me anything, right? Seth: No. Seth turns away from Ryan and starts whistling tunelessly. Ryan gives him a look. Seth: Come on, man. Lighten up. Ryan continues to look at him. Seth: Okay, fine. Stay dark. Dark works, too. [SCENE_BREAK] Kirsten is writing on a notepad in the kitchen as Ryan and Seth walk in, the latter of the two whistling. Kirsten: Oh, Ryan, what is your show size? Ryan: Why? Kirsten: No reason. Seth: Mother, might that be a Chrismukkah list? Kirsten: No. Why do you ask? Seth: Okay. Let me just see it then, real fast. Kirsten: It's work. Seth: Okay, I love your work. It fascinates me. Ryan: I thought you guys said no gifts. Kirsten: Well, we did, as in no gifts for us. Sandy walks in, having just finished talking on his cell phone. Sandy: Well, Chrismukkah's ruined. Seth: Ah! Don't even say it, man. Come on. Chrismukkah is unruinable. It's got twice the resistance of any normal holiday. Sandy: Your father just refused out latest settlement offer. He wants to go to trial. Kirsten: That's not what he said yesterday. He said that if you met his offer... Sandy: Yeah, well as of this morning, Ebenezer Scrooge decides he wants to go to court, which means I'm going to have to spend the holidays going through file boxes and preparing for trail. With Rachel out of town... Kirsten: Chrismukkah is ruined. Sooner or later, we will get through a holiday around here. Seth: Stop it, right now, okay? Don't give up on the miracle that is Chrismukkah. What is happening to you...? You'll see. You'll see, too. You'll all see. You'll all see. He sips at his drink. Ryan: You're really starting to scare me. Seth: I'm okay with that. [SCENE_BREAK] Jimmy comes bounding down the stairs to where Marissa is in the living room. Jimmy: Okey dokey, here we go. Which tie? What are you thinking? This one? All right? Or... He holds each tie up to him. Marissa: Uh, the second one, definitely. Jimmy: All right. He starts to put on the tie. Marissa: So, you have a job interview today? Jimmy: Well, it's just a meet-and-greet. Who knows what will come of it, but we've got to dress for success, right? Look, I'm working on it, kiddo. I'll find a job. I know there's a lot of extra pressure around the holidays. Marissa: There doesn't have to be any extra pressure because there doesn't have to be any holidays. Really. Jimmy: What are you talking about? Marissa: We can skip Christmas. I mean, it's not like it's not going to happen again next year, and holidays just make people depressed. Jimmy: Are you? Depressed? I mean you were supposed to go to therapy after Mexico, and you never really... Marissa: I'm great. I'm just saying. Jimmy: Ok, good, because we're not skipping Christmas. Come on. I'm going to find a job, we're going to figure out a way to make this whole thing work, and we're going to have lots to celebrate about, okay? Come on, skipping Christmas. You sure about this tie? Marissa: Yeah, definitely. You look great. He walks upstairs. Jimmy: Skipping Christmas - what are you, the Grinch? [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan and Seth are walking through the halls of school together. Ryan: So, Summer and Anna are both coming to this party. Seth: Yeah, but neither one's my date. Ryan: And they know? Seth: Oh yeah. They both know that. Come on, man, relax. Look, it's a big party, okay? You might be all doom and gloom, but me, check it out: I'm snowflakes. I'm latkes. Chrismukkah is coming. Ryan: And when Chrismukkah ends? Seth: (He gasps) I hate when Chrismukkah ends. Summer: Cohen. Hi, Ryan. Um, I wanted to know what the deal was for tonight - if you were driving... Anna: Hey, Seth. So, what time are you thinking for tonight? (She sees Summer.) Oh. Hey, Summer. Summer: Hey, Anna. Seth: You guys. I was thinking we should all probably meet there. How about that? At whatever time you so choose to get there, by whatever means. Summer: Sounds great. Anna: Yeah, perfect. Both girls walk away. Ryan: You better pray for a Chrismukkah miracle. Ryan walks away. Seth: I've got Jesus and Moses on my side, man. [SCENE_BREAK] We look down from the top of a white Christmas tree to see Julie standing by. Caleb's house. Julie is giving the guys orders on how the tree should look when Kirsten walks up to stand beside her. Julie: Hey, Kirsten. What do you think? Kirsten: It's really something. Julie: You don't like it? Kirsten: It's not that. It's just that... my mom used to put the Christmas tree in the foyer. It's just a tradition that we have. Julie: Yeah, Caleb told me. But then I thought you know what? The holidays are hard enough. Your father doesn't need to be reminded of the past. Caleb needs to enjoy this Christmas. Oh, and did Caleb tell you we need to borrow your office? We're doing the Santa thing for the kids, and we need a holding area for the elves. What are you doing here? Your father said you were working from home. Kirsten: He did? He's just full of surprises. She walks away. [SCENE_BREAK] Caleb and Kirsten walk into a room. Caleb: I changed my mind. If the land trust can come up with $200 million, then surely they can come up with $300 million. Kirsten: I just... I thought this was over. Caleb: You can always get a little more blood out of the stone. Kirsten: But the stone is my husband. Caleb: Well, I was thinking we could spend the holidays working. Kirsten: That sounds good. You have fun. Caleb: What are you talking about? Kirsten: I'm going to do something that I haven't done in... ever. I'm taking Christmas vacation. Caleb: Don't be ridiculous, Kiki. You hate sitting around the house. Kirsten: Well, not as much as I hate fighting with you. So you spend the next two weeks buried in legal documents. I'm going to be wrapping gifts. [SCENE_BREAK] Marissa and Ryan walk through a hall at school, up to Marissa's locker. Marissa: I hate Christmas. Ryan: Yeah, well Christmukkah's not much better. You don't want to know. Yeah, but holidays make what's bad even worse. Marissa: I just wish my dad would drop the act. I don't need it. And I don't need Christmas. Ryan: Who do you have to spend it with? Marissa: Christmas Eve with my dad, Christmas day with my mom. Plus, she's making me go to this stupid Newport Group holiday party tonight. Ryan: The Cohen's are going too, so... Marissa: So, at least we'll be miserable together. Ryan: Deal? Marissa: Deal. So, am I seeing you after school? Ryan: I got some stuff to do... some shopping. South Coast Plaza. Marissa: You're going to South Coast Plaza? Alone? I don't think you're ready for that. No, I think you need a seasoned expert to protect you. Ryan: Well, you know someone? [SCENE_BREAK] Marissa and Ryan travel up the escalator and they make their way around the mall, going into various shops. Marissa tries on lipstick and shoes, while Ryan looks at a watch at the glass counter. Ryan: So no luck, huh? Marissa: There's a 99-cent store down the street. I guess I can't really afford this place anymore. Ryan: Then why did we come? Marissa: I know it sounds stupid, but I like it here. Everything is so perfect. You walk around feeling like all your problems can be solved by the right nail polish or a new pair of shoes. [SCENE_BREAK] Marissa and Ryan walk through the parking garage to Marissa's car. When she gets to the driver's side, a security guard grabs her arm. Guard: Miss. I'm going to have to ask to see your purse. Ryan: What are you doing? Guard: I can't let you leave the premises. If you don't hand over your purse right now, you'll give me no choice but to call the police. Ryan: Why don't you just back off, all right? Marissa: Ryan, it's okay. Ryan: No, it's not. Guard: Your purse. Now. She slowly hands her purse to him. He empties it out on the hood of her car, and a cell phone, watch, earrings, and a few other things fall out. Ryan looks to Marissa, who nervously looks back at him. [SCENE_BREAK] Two presents sit on the table in front of Kirsten, who is looking over some papers from work. Seth: Hey, what are you doing? Working from home? Kirsten: I'm on vacation. Seth: Ah, yes, clearly. Kirsten: I find reviewing end-of-the-year accounts to be very relaxing. Seth: I hope that's a recessive gene. Kirsten: You should be so lucky. Look, I haven't taken a vacation in a while, and I'm... easing into it. Seth: Oh, yeah. I don't judge, okay? I only mock. Kirsten: That you get from your father. Seth: Oh, my God. They're coming in? He checks his eyebrows. Seth: Oh, that's... I got you. (He sees the presents) What are those? Kirsten: They came for Ryan from his mom and his brother. Seth: You know what he said about the holidays? When he talks like that, I have... I have no idea what to say. Kirsten: Me, neither. You just have to be yourself. Seth: Yeah, 'cause that always works so well. Kirsten: Well, being a family is hard under any circumstance. Creating a new one -that's got to feel weird sometimes. Seth: Well, feeling weird is right in my... Kirsten studies something on a sheet of paper. Seth: What? What is it? Is Grandpa going crazy with the company credit card again? What is it this time? Hookers? A little blow, perhaps? Grandpa likes to dance with you, white lady. Kirsten: (Smiling) What are you talking about? Seth: I don't know. What is it? Kirsten: Hopefully, it's nothing. You should go get ready, 'cause we have to be there soon. Seth: I'll go put on my face. He walks away. Kirsten takes out her phone and dials a number. Kirsten: Hi. This is Kirsten Cohen from the Newport Group. My father ordered a survey of the Balboa Heights, and I've lost my copy, and I really need to see the document, so I'm wondering if it's possible for you to fax it over to me. [SCENE_BREAK] Jimmy and Marissa are sitting in their living room, talking. Julie walks through the front door, angry. Julie: I cannot believe this. Marissa. Jimmy: Julie. Julie: Look, I have to host the most important event of my professional career tonight. Jimmy: Well, atleast your priorities are in order. Julie: You know, it's amazing how all these calamities keep happening under your watch, Jimmy. Jimmy: Oh, so I'm to blame for this one, too? Julie: Where do you think she learned to steal? Marissa: Okay, stop it. I'm the one who stole, remember? I'm the one to blame, not Dad. Jimmy: Look, we're lucky the store is not pressing charges. Okay? Now, Marissa and I were just trying to decide what an appropriate punishment... Julie: Oh, really? Well, way to rule with the iron fist, Stalin, but it's not up to her. No car, no allowance, no weekends. Marissa: So I can stay home tonight? Julie: Starting tomorrow. I won't have my party ruined by your little sticky fingers. Look, sweetie, I know that this time of year makes everything bad seem worse, but why did you do this? Marissa: I thought it would be... Look, I wasn't... it was stupid. Julie: Well, I called the therapist on the way over here. Marissa: Mom. Jimmy: She's right, kiddo. Therapy was part of the deal of you moving in here. Marissa: Okay, look, I've been doing way better since Mexico. 4.0 first quarter, Charity League, Social Chair... Julie: I've scheduled you an appointment tomorrow morning with Dr. Milano. He's supposed to be great. Marissa: I'm sorry, but I can handle it. This. I... I won't do it again, I promise. Julie: Honey, I love you. But I don't believe you. Jimmy: You might actually find it helpful. Marissa: Yeah. Whatever. I need to get ready. She walks toward the stairs. Marissa: And Mom, you have your big party to throw. I'm sure you don't want to keep Caleb waiting. She goes upstairs. [SCENE_BREAK] Seth knocks on the door of the pool house, where Ryan is just finishing getting dressed. Seth: Hey. What's up, man? You're back. So, that's pretty cool, right? Your mom and brother got you something. Ryan: Yeah, except now I have a total of eight gifts to buy, and I only saved enough for one. Seth: Ryan, that sort of reminds me of the story of Hanukkah, dude. Check it out. The lamp. You know what? I think you get the gist. How was the mall? Ryan: Weird. Seth: Yes. You've really painted a picture for me. I feel like I was there. Ryan: Marissa picked up a few things without paying for them. Seth: What, as in... Ryan: Shoplifting. Seth's mouth opens in shock. Ryan: Yeah. Seth: Yeah, that's weird. Ryan: It's that time of year, and with everything that's going on with her family... Seth: Yeah, no, no. I'm sure it's got to be hard for her. Ryan: Yeah. I just wish there was something I could do or say. Seth: Um... Oh, I got you something. Ryan: No, no, no. We had an agreement. Seth: Yeah, but this is different. This is a requirement. Seth pulls out a red stocking with Ryan's name on it in white letters. Seth: I know, it's a bit minty, but uh... you know, we all have one, so we just thought... Ryan: No. That's cool. Seth: Well, good. Maybe it'll meet a kinder fate than your wreath did, but if not, we still wanted you to have it. Ryan: (Smiling slightly) Thanks. Seth: All right. I'm going to go make magic happen. I feel like my hair is working for me tonight. Seth leaves the room as Ryan continues to stare at his stocking. [SCENE_BREAK] Kirsten is sitting at a desk in her bedroom, with a sheet of paper and a flute of champagne before her. She's already dressed for the party as Sandy comes jogging in. Sandy: I'm late. I know, I know. I'll hurry. He kisses her on the forehead and proceeds to get dressed for the party himself. Sandy: So, you're not going to believe this, but your father and I reached a settlement today. He gouged me a little. Well, you know, he gouged me a lot. Kirsten: He asked you for more money? Sandy: Oh, just $250 million. But we closed the deal, and he claims that he did it because of you. Kirsten: Is that what he told you? Sandy: And it seems your little vacation today really hit him hard. Because he says he wants to spend the holidays as a family. You know, maybe... maybe he's changing. Or maybe he is a truly fantastic liar. What's wrong? Kirsten: I found something today. And I don't know if I can give it to you, but I don't know if I can't. Sandy: Okay, well... Kirsten: He's going to know that I gave this to you. And he's going to have every right to fire me. She pushes the paper closer to him and he takes it and reads it. Sandy: You have got to be kidding me. This changes everything. Kirsten: And I'm going to have to learn how to relax, because I'm going to have a lot of free time. Sandy: I'm sorry, honey. Kirsten: Not as sorry as he's going to be. Sandy: You still want to go to the party? Kirsten: I wouldn't miss it for the world. She leaves as he sits down and stares at the paper. [SCENE_BREAK] Seth comes down the stairs as the doorbell rings. He answers it. Seth: Anna. Hey. Anna: Mistletoe. She holds up a piece of mistletoe and kisses him on the cheek. Seth: Oh. Oh, that's very festive of you. Uh, I thought we were meeting there. I'm going with my parents. Anna: Well, I was thinking maybe we could go together. Seth: I would love to do that. You know I would. But don't you think that would violate our little Geneva Convention of dating we have going on? 'Cause I told Summer that, you know, I'd meet both of you there. Anna: Well, how is Summer ever going to know? The doorbell rings again and Seth answers it. Summer: Mistletoe. What is she doing here? Anna: What are you doing here? Summer: I thought we had a deal, Cohen. Anna: Which you clearly violated. Summer: As did you. Seth: She's got a point. Anna: You're on her side? Seth: No. There are no sides, you guys. There's only um... rides with my parents. We'll all go together. Hmm? Anna: Fine. Summer: Fine. [SCENE_BREAK] Seth, Summer, and Anna all sit on the couch, Seth stuck in the middle, all three clearly uncomfortable. Anna: So, I have a gift for you. I'll give it to you later. Summer: I have a present for you, too, also. I'll give it to you later. Seth: (To Summer) I can't wait. (To Anna) For either. (To Summer) For both. Sandy: Seth, you ready? Come on. Let's go. Sandy and Kirsten walk in to see the three on the couch. Kirsten: Hi, Summer. Anna. Sandy: Ladies. (To Kirsten) Oh, this is going to be some party. Kirsten: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan is standing behind Marissa, helping her with her necklace. Ryan: You know, maybe this is not such a bad idea. Marissa: What does that mean? Ryan: It'll be good to have someone to talk to. Marissa: You're someone. I can't talk to you? Ryan: You can talk to me. It's just... Marissa: What? I need the help of a trained professional because I stole a lipstick? Ryan: It's not about the lipstick. Marissa: Well, I guess I don't really see what it's about. Ryan: I guess you do what you want. Marissa: I will. If no one's making my parents go to therapy, then no one's making me. You know, I'm the only normal one in this family. Sorry. Hey, you know, I think I left my wrap upstairs. Could you grab it for me? I just need to grab my purse. Ryan: Sure. He leaves to get her wrap. She goes into a cabinet and takes a bottle of alcohol out, stuffing it into her purse. [SCENE_BREAK] Sandy, Kirsten, Seth, Anna, and Summer make their way into the party. Sandy and Kirsten leave to go talk to someone they know as a server walks up. Server: Mushroom-leek crescent? Crab and brie phyllo? Seth: Come on, buddy. Change it up a little bit. Server: Enjoy the party. The server walks away. Anna: Come on, Seth. I'm going this way. Seth: Oh. Summer: Oh, well, I'm going this way. She points in the opposite direction as Anna. Seth: Oh, you guys are? I'm going to go look for Ryan. Seth walks forward and away from the girls. Summer and Anna scoff at each other and walk away. [SCENE_BREAK] Julie: Kirsten. Sandy. Welcome. Caleb: Hey, Kiki. Kirsten: Hey. Caleb: Good to see you. Did Simon give you our good news? Kirsten: He did. Sandy: I actually need to follow up on a few things with you, Cal. If you don't mind... Caleb: Come, Sanford. It's a party. Think back on your Berkley days. Maybe you can smoke the tree. Caleb walks away. Sandy: (He chuckles) Smoke the tree. Funny. I'm going to nail him now. Kirsten: Uh-huh. Sandy walks off toward Caleb. Julie: So, what do you think? Kirsten: About? Julie: The party. You haven't said anything. Do you like it? I mean, I know how you feel about the tree, but if you can get past that... Kirsten: It's great. Julie: And what did Caleb think? I mean, has he said anything to you? Kirsten: I haven't had a chance to talk to him. Julie: I just want this to be a party that he'll never forget. Kirsten: I think you have a shot. Kirsten walks away. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Marissa standing by herself, Ryan walks over and joins her Ryan: you ok? Marissa: yeah, why? Ryan: I don't know today's ben kinda intense an I know you don't really wanna be here Marissa: I wanna be where you are, (smiles) an your here so (kisses him) Julie: (walks over) ah Marissa, oh you wore the chenille how pretty, Ryan (to Marissa) you haven't said hello to Caleb yet Marissa: yeah that's because he was talking to other people mom and I didn't wanna interrupt him Julie: well he's ready now so Marissa: I'm not! Julie: Marissa Marissa: mom! Julie: you are a guest at this party Marissa: only because you made me come here Julie: you are in enough trouble already young lady Marissa: well then I guess I've got nothin'a lose Julie: so this is the way its gonna be with us from now on Marissa: I don't know, I'll ask my shrink!... you know what I'm gonna go to the bathroom (walks away) Julie: I hate the holidays Ryan: right there with ya (they both drink their drinks) CUT TO: Caleb standing by himself, Sandy goes over to him Sandy: Caleb, you got time to talk? Caleb: nope Sandy: ah come on, make some (pulls out the paper from earlier and gives it to him) Caleb: what is this (reads) Sandy: it's a geological survey of the heights which you commissioned and you somehow mysteriously failed to turn over to my office Caleb: I haven't got time for this Sandy: oh I think you do, allow me to summarise what you know already. the heights are size- malogically unsound, the whole area is uninsurable it's worthless Caleb: as is your theory Sandy: there's no way you would have gotten the building permit...and you knew that Caleb: what'd you want Sandy Sandy: I wanna buy back the heights...for a dollar Caleb: (laughs) you cannot be serious Sandy: (puts the dollar in Caleb's hand) Merry Christmas (walks away) CUT TO: Seth & Anna sitting by some water Anna: huh, so... are you ready for your present? Seth: yeah alright I'm ready, hand me the keys ill figure out how to drive a stick eventually Anna: very funny Seth, always have to ruin the mood Seth: it's what I do Anna: ready Seth: mmhmm (Anna hands him a comic, Seth takes it and you see that it is a handmade comic that says ' the ADVENTURES of SETH COHEN and Capt. Oats!' and there is a drawing of Captains Oats, and Seth - Seth has his mouth open, and Anna is nervously waiting to hear wether he likes it) Seth: the adventures of Seth Cohen & Captain Oats (makes fist) volume 1 confidence (smiles) you made this Anna: no I bought it on eBay Seth: I can't believe you did this, this is amazing (Anna smiles) (reads) hey this Seth in the story seems really handsome and awesome Anna: I guess I took some liberties Seth: you dumbed him down a little bit (they both laugh, and then notice Summer standing on the other side of the way by herself, Anna's smile goes) Seth: this is fantastic Anna: (smiles) thanks (Seth has a huge smile on his face still reading his present) CUT TO: Kirsten & Jimmy dancing together Jimmy: so hows Seth doin Kirsten: he's fine I think, i think it's hard to tell with him sometimes, why? Jimmy: well does he ever do things that sort of... make you question yourself as a-as a parent Kirsten: well there was the model home and Tijuana and a thing with the range rover and an IMAX movie that I didn't quite buy Jimmy: but there kids I mean they-they do...stuff they get in trouble right Kirsten: well our parents would've had a heart attack if they knew half the things that we did (laughs) Jimmy: ah come on we were good kids...we were, weren't we? Kirsten: we were good kids Jimmy: yeah Kirsten: an we have good kids CUT TO: Marissa locking herself in the bathroom. she puts her glass down, goes through her bag and pulls out a bottle of alcohol. she pours some of it into her drink, moves her fringe out of her eyes, then takes 2 big gulps while frowning, puts her fist up to her mouth after swallowing then smiles. she moves her fringe again, looks in the mirror and smiles then takes another gulp CUT TO: Seth & Summer in a room alone. It's dark Seth: ok Summer but hang on for a second, what are we doing here because Anna just went to get drinks so she's gonna be back in like one second Summer: shh-shh c'mere Seth: wha Summer: jus c'mere (pushes him onto a couch) Seth: ok Summer: stay there (walks away and laughs a little. she turns the light on and turns to face him) I hear you like comic books Cohen Seth: (smiling & nodding) this is true (Summer unzips her black dress) Summer: Merry Christmas (You see Seth with his mouth wide open, then the camera pans to show that Summer is dressed as wonder woman, complete with gold lasso) Seth: (mouth open) good-lord I think I'm gonna pass out Summer: (throwing the rope over his head) your not going... anywhere (pulls him to her) Seth: ok (they kiss for a second) Summer: (feels the comic and pulls it out) what's this? Seth: uh-uh that's uh-uh that's Anna's present, she made it for me Summer: she made it Seth: (nods) yeah Summer: (looking) its amazing Seth: yeah I know but hey, your presents amazing to ok, it's really amazing (Anna comes in) Anna: hey there you (mouth open) are Seth: hey Anna Summer was just giving me her gift, its cool Anna: (to Summer) your wonder woman Summer: (embarrassed) yeah, so Anna: I mean you look...amazing...is that my story? (Summer gives it back to Seth) Anna: oh my god... I made you a comic book what am I eight Summer: (getting dressed) way to go wonder whore Seth: hey wonder woman's not a whore ok, stop Summer: (to Anna) what're we doing? Anna: I don't know this is ridiculous Seth: hold up you guys one second please ok lets not-lets not-lets not have one speed bump derail the whole train ok lets not throw the baby out with the bath water lets not...let's make some more metaphors Summer: look I'm not into talking about like feelings or whatever... (sincerely) but I like you, ok an so does she, if we don't put an end to this soon Anna: someone's gonna get hurt Summer: you gotta choose Cohen (Anna & Summer both leave the room, and turn the light out leaving Seth alone in the dark) CUT TO: Ryan by himself, Marissa grabs his head and kisses him Marissa: (tipsy) did you miss me? c'mon lets dance (grabs him by his tie) Ryan: no you know how I feel about dancing Marissa: (laughing) you know how I don't care, c'mon it's a party Ryan: yeah an office party Marissa: I thought you wanted to have fun, don't make me make you have fun (kisses him) Ryan: uh I'm guessin that's not eggnog Marissa: so what, c'mon if you don't wanna dance we could just get outta here Ryan: uhh I didn't see you with a cocktail Marissa: well...maybe I brought my own (shakes the bottle) want some Ryan: what's goin on with you today? Marissa: huh what's the big deal, you drink Ryan: not alone in the bathroom Marissa: I'm just having fun Ryan: right, the first night I met you, you were having fun passed out in your drive way, a couple weeks later it was an alley in Mexico, its like- just like my mom all over again Marissa: ugh shut up Ryan: we're gettin outta here Marissa: no I am (turns back) enjoy the party Ryan: hey (grabs her arm) you can't drive Marissa: get your hands offa me, I have enough people in my life telling me what to do...see ya (walks away) CUT TO: Marissa getting in her car, Ryan is running after her Ryan: (trying to get in the passenger side that's locked) hey come on let me drive Marissa: get away from me! (starts to move the car) Ryan: hey, hey (stands in front) Marissa: (brakes) I'm fine (Ryan wont move so Marissa puts it in reverse and backs into a car. she puts her head on the steering wheel, upset. Ryan walks over to her door) CUT TO: Caleb & Sandy making an announcement to a huge crowd Caleb: and so effective immediately I'm transferring the title of the heights to the Balboa land trust for the very reasonable price of one dollar (clapping) and I couldn't have done it without the help of my son-in-law Sandy Cohen Sandy: oh thanks Cal but I can't take credit for this you did this all on your own. to Caleb Nichol the most generous man in Newport Beach (toasts) Caleb: thanks...happy Chanukah Sandy (walks away, Sandy follows) CUT TO: Ryan and Marissa in the car. they both aren't speaking. Marissa pulls the bottle out of her bag Ryan: (looks over and sees) (sighs) great Marissa: what you're driving now Ryan: yeah because you're drunk Marissa: I'm not (Ryan looks at her angry) fine (Marissa tries to put the lid on and it drops on the floor) Marissa: shoot (looking) mm where is it Ryan: come on put it away Marissa: I'm trying Ryan: I'm still on probation Marissa: I SAID I'm trying (still looking) (the sound of a siren, and flashing lights) Ryan: (sigh) of course this is happening (Marissa leans down and puts the open bottle between her feet, then does up her seatbelt. Ryan pulls the car over) Officer: happy holidays, license registration...you got a broken tail light do you know that Ryan: (handing over papers) it just happened, we're gonna get it fixed Officer: (shines the torch) you kids haven't ben drinkin? Ryan: no sir Officer: everything alright here miss Marissa: (puts her hand over her eyes because of the torch) yeah fine, thanks Office: miss would you please- (he gets a message over the radio) copy that, I've got a call I need to get to, I'm gonna let you go with just a warning for that tail light, you get that fixed, drive straight home Ryan: yes sir (Officer drives off. Ryan sits there for a second then he undoes his seat belt and gets out. slams his door and goes around the front of the car to Marissa's side. opens her door grabs the bottle and throws it out hard. you hear it smash. he slams Marissa's door, then opens it and slams it again and again) Marissa: (crying) stop ok your scaring me Ryan: GOOD, you're scarin me! (walks to the front of the car) there's drinking, crying, cops well then it mus be Christmas (Marissa gets out and goes over to him) Ryan: I left this behind, I am not doing it again Marissa: (crying) (softly) ok (sniffs) ok (takes his hand) CUT TO: Cohen's kitchen the next morning - Ryan is eating breakfast and Seth comes in Seth: well the ladies laid down the law its over Ryan: what're you gonna do Seth: (hands out) I have no idea, I don't know no female has ever really offered me a-uh-uh a choice perse, I really only know how to handle rejection... and ridicule I have a really good handle on ridicule. how was your night? Ryan: (sigh) Marissa got drunk and we got pulled over by the cops with an open container of Vodka Seth: hey, that Marissa she's really making life interesting for you Ryan: yep, we got in a fight Seth: what about the cop Ryan: got a radio call (swallows) let us off with a warning for a busted tail light...now you see why I hate Christmas Seth: hang on a second Ryan um it seems to me that what we have here is a Chrismukkah --miracle (looking up) thankyou (excited) think about this for a second the old Ryan Atwood what woulda happened (Ryan frowns, listening) he woulda got busted, for sure but this time ya had Jesus workin for ya right and then you also had Moses workin together the super team fightin for you to keep you safe and give you a second chance (smiles) touched by an angel...that's nice, its got a good ring to it, I believe my faith has ben restored uh I should go get ready, Anna will be here soon Ryan: what're you gonna tell her? Seth: I'm sure the words will come CUT TO: Seth & Anna in the back yard. this scene also cuts to Seth & Summer Seth: alright, I just think that considering everything, oh actually wait hang on let me actually try another approach um... (Summer) I think your awesome and your hillarious an-an your caliente (Anna) an I think y'know your extremely witty an your wise and I kinda can't believe I'm actually gonna say this but um I just I think we should be friends (Summer) and I want you to have this (hands her present) Summer: I don't wanna be your friend (hands present back) Anna: I don't wanna be your friend (hands present back) Seth: (now sitting) you can never have too many copies of the Goonies (sigh, puts his head on his chest) CUT TO: inside the Cohen house (doorbell) Kirsten goes to answer it Caleb: (walking in) it was corporate espionage I coulda had you fired even sued you for breach of confidentiality Kirsten: dad you were extorting the county, putting the company at huge risks sooner or later this was gonna come out and then what Caleb: when you found that report y-you could of shown me Kirsten: you could of shown me when it started, I'm sorry but I just didn't see any other way Caleb: it was dishonest, calculating and ruthless. Kiki... we just might make a real estate mogul out of you yet Kirsten: well that's something to look forward to Caleb: hmm (touches the tree) your moms ornaments, tree looks nice Kirsten: there may be a gift under there for you (Caleb raises his eyebrows) maybe CUT TO: Sandy coming into the pool house, Ryan is on his way out Sandy: hey where you goin, we were thinkin about gettin a movie Ryan: uh Marissa's spose to go see a therapist this morning Sandy: ohh she's goin through alot Ryan: yeah I thought I'd go with her Sandy: yeah you could...or uh not. y'know Marissa's gonna have to figure this out by herself an you gotta let her...your here with us now you don't have to be the parent anymore Ryan: (half smile) movie huh Sandy: yeah but it's my pick (walking out with Ryan) the selection of a movie is something of an art CUT TO: Marissa going into the therapist's office. She walks in and sits down, she is fidgety and doesn't want to be there. she flicks through a magazine, looks at her watch, puts the magazine down, rubs her hands on her legs then picks up her jacket and stands Oliver: I came here three times before I actually walked through that door...(looking up) I know you, you go to Harbor right Marissa: (still standing) Marissa Cooper, hi Oliver: yeah you're the girl at school who organises things, parties and stuff right Marissa: (sitting) social chair is what that's called (they look at each other for a bit) you go to Harbor? Oliver: no, no I go to Pacific...Oliver Trask (Marissa doesn't say anything and avoids eye contact) for a social chair (laughs) well I don't find you to be very social at all, we're gonna have to talk to somebody about a recall Marisa: this is...a psychiatrist's office, it's kind of embarrassing Oliver: yeah-yeah your right, this is totally embarrassing...so lets suggest the obvious an move on...what's wrong with you (Marissa looks at him) (sits forward) what is wrong-with you Marissa: well if I knew I wouldn't be here Oliver: ...you're not an alcoholic...yet, you've od'ed at least once pills I'd say, muscle relaxants definitely (Marissa looks at him, Oliver raises his eyebrows) Marissa: pain killers Oliver: you didn't really wanna hurt yourself, Kurt Cobain yeah he wanted to hurt himself Marissa: (half smiles) you know coming here wasn't my idea Oliver: (shrugs) maybe not but you wouldn't be here if you didn't wanna be...you wanna know why you are the way you are (Marissa smiles at him, not quite sure how to take him. a door opens and someone walks out) Oliver: that's you, I'm waitin on the next door (Marissa stands, looking nervous again) see you next week (Marissa smiles and looks not as nervous as she walks passed) CUT TO: Seth lying on the couch. Ryan comes in Ryan: how'd it go with the girls? Seth: (grabs present from the table) Seth Cohen starter pack Ryan: I think I'm passed that now (holds up his stocking) Seth: (looking) is that what I think it is Ryan: yeah, figured I'd hang it Seth: (sitting up, excited) alright man another Chrismukkah convert, nice, I never doubted it for a second (standing) check it out I already put the hook up just in case (Ryan walks over to it. Kirsten and Sandy come through the front door) Kirsten: hey Sandy: alright what'll it be, fiddler on the roof, it's a wonderful life or my selection Silvester Stalones over the top Seth: (scoffs) isn't that the arm wrestling movie Sandy: (imitating sly) arm wrestling classic Seth: oh hey uh Merry Chrismukkah you guys (gives a starter pack to Kirsten & Sandy) Sandy: oh

Plan: A: Kirsten; Q: Who learns something about her father? A: Sandy's case; Q: What case does Kirsten learn something about? A: her job; Q: What is in jeopardy? A: Ryan; Q: Who's Christmas does not go as planned? A: therapy; Q: What does Marissa meet someone in? Summary: Kirsten learns something about her father that'll help Sandy's case, but will put her job in jeopardy. Ryan's Christmas does not go as planned. Marissa meets someone in therapy. Meanwhile, Seth struggles choosing between Anna and Summer.

Michael: Hello hello. Top of the morning to you! Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Nature's Viagra! [Grabs and pours Kevin-esque scoop of M&Ms into his coat pocket] Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It'll be a good day. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I don't want to bring my friends, why can't it just be the two of us? Ryan: Because it's St. Patrick's Day, people go out in groups. Kelly: Well why don't you invite your friends? Ryan: Why are you being so weird about this? Meredith: Stop fighting. Just on St Patrick's Day, okay? Just one perfect day a year. No hassles, no problems, no kids. Ryan: Why no kids? Kelly: Yeah, where are your kids? Meredith: Nope. Nuh -uh. Not today! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Welcome back, "Dad!" Jim: Oh, thank you! Phyllis: Hey! Stanley: Hey! Andy: Welcome back Tuna! Jim: Hey... [reveal Dwight's Mega-Desk] Dwight: Very good. Okay. Will get back to you right away on that, thanks. Jim: What do we got here? Dwight: Mega-Desk. Jim: Of course. Dwight: Command central. Jim: Hm hm. Dwight: Surveillance, gaming- and business. Jim: Okay. [Pulls desks apart] Just gotta... Dwight: Okay. Come on! Jim! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back, and we have a problem. Yes, getting hooked on Mega-Desk was my own damn fault. But ... I don't care about assigning blame. All I care about is Mega-Desk. That is all I care about. Getting. More. Mega-Desk. [SCENE_BREAK] Jo: Oh, I love this, so much fun! There's such team spirit in this room! 'Morning Darling! Jim: Morning! [SCENE_BREAK] Jo: Well, this is my last day at the Scranton branch for a while. But I'm leaving it in the very capable hands of some of the loveliest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Oh I'm gonna miss this place. And the snow! Hoo, my dogs love peeing in that snow! Makes me think they're onto something. [SCENE_BREAK] Jo: Oh good morning sweetheart. Michael: Morning, honey-pile. Jo: I'm sorry but is that a gift I see in your hands? Michael: It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by. Jo: [pulls out glass cube with coal.] Is that a lump of coal? Michael: Yes it is! Jo: Have I been that naughty? Michael: No, no no- that is a good gift actually. Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal. Jo: Err, thank you very much. We, we don't get to see much coal in Tallahassee, I'm used to alligators, and some of the worst Chinese food you've ever tasted. Michael: Mm, that sounds great, actually. Jo: Well, if you ever get down in my neck of the woods, you got a place to stay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don't care if you're a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Erin go braugh! Erin: Andy go braugh to you! Nice kilt! Andy: Thanks. It's actually my sister's old field hockey skirt. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Erin and I have our first date tonight, and it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to "How I Met Your Mother" that's the date that your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about, and you better have a good story for them. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: No. [re-enters bullpen from kitchen.] Dwight: Great. Jim: No. Dwight: Thank you. [hangs up phone] Jim: No-no-no-no-no. Dwight: Oh come on. Come on. Five more minutes? Five more minutes of Mega-Desk? Please? Jim: [swats over various photos and knickknacks, points at paperwork] Is this yours or mine? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Good Lord! [Photo of Cece on Jim's desktop] I can't believe I'm missing this. Pam: It's kind of like that lip thing she did last night, like a half snarl, half smile? I get the sense that she's very ironic. Jim: Okay. Love you. We'll talk soon. [hangs up phone] Dwight: Must be amazing being a father right, a miracle of life? Jim: It is. Big time. Dwight: Ah, that baby is just discovering the whole wide world right now. Jim: Pretty amazing. Dwight: What up is, what down is, who Mom is, who Dad is. Must be tough being here with all that going on. Jim: Oh it's tough being here for a lot of reasons. Dwight: I mean, you're here at work, and the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father. Jim: Is that what happened to you? Dwight: I'll tell you what happened to me. I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet-nurse was my mother. Jim: That's a common mistake. Dwight: Turned out fine for me. But Mose? Oh. Same story, different ending. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Hey! [Erin sneezing at desk] Are you sick? Erin: Oh, no I'm fine, I just have a little indigestion. Angela: In your nose? Erin: Yes. [Angela returns to desk and puts embroidered breathing mask on] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I'm a little sick but I don't want to miss my date with Andy. I'll get better. Whenever I'm sick it goes away within a few hours. Except once, when I was in the hospital from age three to six. [SCENE_BREAK] Jo: Now, after all the talking I've been doing. It's your turn. This is a town hall meeting. I want to hear what you all sound like. Michael: That is a great idea JB. Jo: Thank you. You know I get way too many ideas from the top. Now I want to hear your ideas. I mean, did you guys know that Liquid Paper? That wasn't invented by some fancy engineer. No, that was created by a lowly typist. Kevin: Jo, I have an idea, for suntan lotion - soap. Jo: You know it doesn't have to be an invention. Oscar: I have a question. Michael: Oscar, homosexual accountant. Oscar: In the training manual it says, that there is a minority executive training program in Tallahassee? Jo: I am so proud of Sabre's "Print In All Colors" initiative. Any Sabre employee of color, is welcome to apply. [Kelly applauds] Daryl? Michael: Daryl. Mellow, soulful, smart for warehouse... Jo: Okay hush now. Michael: Okay. Daryl: The Sabre shipping method could be more efficient. Combining inventory systems makes sense on paper, but printers and paper ship differently. It'll be faster to deliver them separately, instead of waiting on everything to come in. Jo: But you wouldn't need more trucks? Daryl: Not at all. There's a way that it can be scheduled. I sketched this out downstairs. Jo: Oh look at you. Michael: Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job! We're very proud of you. You know what, we're gonna tape that up on the refrigerator in the kitchen. Jo: [Looks over his proposal] I like this Daryl. I like this a lot. Maybe you should be doing your sketching upstairs. Would you like an office up here? Daryl: Are you serious? Jo: Yeah. Take Jim's old office. Gabe: Um. I set my stuff up in there. So... just give me a few minutes to clean that out for you. Jo: Yeah, I want to hear more from you. Daryl: Absolutely. Jo: All right. Daryl: Thank you. Jo: Okay. Any questions? Anything on anybody's mind? I'm leaving tonight, this is your last chance for a while! Michael: Oh no! Say it's not so, Jo, we're gonna miss you, we're gonna miss you so much! Jo: Yes, well okay. Florida ain't that far away. Michael: Well, I am heading down there. Jo: Well, anytime now. Michael: How about July 4th weekend? [Reveals paper ticket] Jo: Oh honey you didn't buy a ticket? Michael: I did! Jo: Oh honey. I'm not home, very often. And uh, me and my relatives, they take up the guesthouse. I think you should check with my office, before you book any dates, okay? Michael: You know what, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats on a bunch of different flights, but there are a couple of flights that only have two tickets left, so I think we should pull the trigger and - Jo: Enough! Michael: All right, everybody, just try to put a brave face on. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Let's follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesn't like Michael anymore. Hmmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Daryl: [singing] Moving on up, to the East Side, to the deluxe apartment in the sky... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello. I want you to stop what you're doing right now. You are stressed, and I'm taking you to lunch. Jo: No, that's very generous of you, but I'm all set. Michael: No is not an option. Jo: Yes it is. Michael: All right. Well if you need me, I'll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no. Jo: How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work? Michael: [laughs] I'll be over there. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: And I'm actually pleased to be able to offer you printer cartridges and toner now. Dwight: [Whispers] Oh Jim, Jim! Sorry to bother you. Jim: What? Dwight: My headphones are broken. Jim: Right. Dwight: Can I listen to my music at a low volume? Jim: Yeah that's great. Great. Dwight: Okay? [Unplugs cord, sings] "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue-" Jim: [Overlapping] When's the last time you upgraded your printer? D: "- and the man in the moon. When you coming home Dad? I don't know when-" Jim: [Whispers] Please stop that! Dwight: "-But we'll be together then-" Jim: Can you grow up? Dwight: "-Dad, you know we'll have a good time then." Jim: [Turns off Dwight's music] Whether it's this time or next time. Andy: [Vocalizes and continues song] "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon" Jim: [On business call] Yeah. Andy and Dwight: [Singing, Dwight supplies beats] "Little boy blue and the man in the moon." Jim: No, we definitely can talk about it in the next-- Andy and Dwight: "When you coming home Dad? Jim: You know, can I call you back? Andy and Dwight: "I don't know when-" Jim: That would be great, thank you. Andy and Dwight: "But we'll get together then, we're gonna have a good time-" [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [On phone in hallway] No, I know I need to work, I just- I feel weird not being home. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I am not surprised that Dwight's using my baby to steal my desk. I'm a little surprised that it's working. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: This fax came for you. [Coughs] Jo: Oh no no no! Are you feeling ill? Erin: Uh... Jo: Oh no honey, if you got a bug, I want you to go on home. I can't have you getting Callie and Jo Jr. sick. These dogs have got to be in a commercial with Dwight Howard next week. Erin: Oh! No. I feel like I could lift a car. Jo: Yeah, but you sound like death, girl. Now why don't you go on home and take care of yourself and get in bed. And shred that and have them send me a clean fax, okay? Erin: Well... [Jo closes door on her] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: She should go home. It's not the end of the world. We'll go on our date next week. She's still gonna like me in a week. Right? [SCENE_BREAK] Jo: Yes? Andy: I was just working at my desk and I wanted to run some new leads by you. [Turns feint] Jo: Oh! You're sick! [Andy coughs] Dangit! That's exactly why I sent that receptionist home. Andy: No, no, no, no, no. Jo: Get everybody sick in the office. Andy: I have some good ideas... Jo: We don't need any heroes here honey. It's time for you to get on home now. Andy: You sure? Jo: You'll probably feel better once you get some pants on. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Very nice. Daryl: Not bad, huh? Michael: A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man, you seem to have caught Jo's eye. How'd you make that happen? Daryl: I impressed her with my good ideas. Michael: Hm mm. Seriously, how did you do it? Daryl: I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there. Michael: How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something, in terms of a past injustice? Daryl: Now Mike, I have to ask you to leave, so that I can learn about this tiny television. Michael: Okay. All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Jo: Hey there. Michael: Hey there. So I think I'm done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier. Jo: Well there's chatting time and there's working time. I'm still on working time. Michael: Mm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so. Jo: Well, if you feel like you've done a solid days work... Michael: Right. What? Jo: Well I mean, if you can put your name on this day, and be proud of the amount of work you've done, then, by all means, you should toodle on home. Michael: Mm. mm. Oh well. Jo: Anything else I can help you with? Michael: No, no, no. That's super-clear-ish. [Exits, closes door, takes off coat.] Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Just because Jo has no life, does not mean that the rest of us don't have lives. Oscar has a life. I think Ryan has a life. This is outrageous. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey Pack-man. Todd Packer: Hey what's up, Butt-plug? Michael: How you doing stud? You already there? Todd Packer: Dude, I've been here since three! I've boot and rallied twice. Michael: How's the lady situation? Todd Packer: Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance. Michael: Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late. Todd Packer: Oh here's what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, borrow some balls and come meet me! Michael: Yeah. Maybe next year. Todd Packer: Maybe next "queer." Hey ladies, who wants some bangers and mash? [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [Opens door, surprised] Oh! Andy! Andy: Hi! Erin: I'm in my jammy-jams! Andy: That's okay, I'm in my "worky-works." You look amazing! Erin: Oh, thanks. Come in! [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Hey! Me and Creed are in. Are you guys in? Kevin: Oh I'm in. Oscar: I'm in. Meredith: All right. [The four of them get out of chairs to run out, Jo exits her office. They retreat.] Jo: Oh, you don't become the most powerful woman in Tallahassee by slacking off. [Scoffs] You do it by working hard. Or marrying rich. I did both! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny O'Gannigan's tonight. It shouldn't go all night long, so if you'd like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence. [Jim is silent] No? Nothing? Okay. Have fun working. [Whistles "Cat's in the Cradle" song] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hi there Jo. Sorry to interrupt. Um, this evening [phone rings] I have... Jo: Hello? Jim: Hey Jo, it's Jim Halpert. I actually scheduled a meeting at 7:30 with a very important client. And it's so weird, because we never have meetings after 5pm. But I was hoping that maybe just this once, it would be okay. Jo: Well sure. You know, you go ahead and push some printers. Jim: You know I will. And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this! Jo: Okay. Jim: Okay. Jo: Sorry Sugar. What'd you want? Dwight: Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting. With a client. I'm just gonna reschedule for next week. Jo: Thank you. Jim: [pops back into Jo's doorway] Thanks again by the way. [SCENE_BREAK] Daryl: Hey! What are you fellas doing up here? Warehouse guy 1: We're here to bust you out! Daryl: I wish, but uh- Warehouse guy 1: Dude! Your shirt tucked in? Daryl: Oh. Yeah, um, I must have did that when I was in the bathroom. All right then, uh, let me get to it. Warehouse guy 1: All right. Warehouse guy 2: See you later. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Your hand's cold. Andy: It is? I'm sorry. Erin: Yeah, have some more blanket. Andy: Okay, thanks. Reid: What's up? Andy: Whoa! Erin: You're awake. Andy, this is my brother, Reid. Andy: I didn't know you had a brother. Erin: He's my foster brother. Andy: Well, any brother of Erin's is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you. Andy Bernard. [They shake hands] Reid: Cold hands. [Takes spot next to Erin on love seat] Andy: Are we rotating seats, or? Reid: Oh yeah, you're the guest. Take the easy chair, best seat in the house. Plus, you don't have to sit next to this big dork and her smelly feet. Erin: Hey! My feet aren't smelly, they smell like roses. Smell them! [puts her feet in his face] Reid: Ooh! [Erin giggles] Andy: So, how does the whole foster sibling thing work? Do you guys share one parent or-? Erin: None. We were in the same house from ages ten to twelve. And then from fifteen to eighteen. Andy: All right. Formative years. [She laughs] Reid: Nice skirt. Andy: Yeah, it's a kilt. [SCENE_BREAK] Night cleaning crew: Oh! Sorry! Sorry, sorry. [They retreat. Pan around office still full with staff.] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Yes, I'm anxious to get off work. But let me be clear. It's not to celebrate St Patrick's Day. It's so I can protest St. Patrick's Day. [SCENE_BREAK] Jo: Overnight all my damn bags home. I'm carrying nothing but my Sable gloves. I've had it with Homeland Security. And I want you to put all those tracking numbers in my Blackberry. Michael: How late do we have to work tonight? Gabe: You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here til midnight. Sometimes she doesn't show up for three days. Michael: Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is? Gabe: Yeah, that would be awesome. I could get a girlfriend. Wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But uh, I'm young, right? I will date when I'm dead! [Laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would've turned thirty. That's just - that's just depressing. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello Jo. Jo: Anything I can do for you Puddin'? Michael: There is, as a matter of fact. It's getting sorta late. It's 8:30. And it's St. Patrick's Day, which is a world ethnic holiday. So I have decided I'm going to dismiss my employees. Jo: Hmm. Michael: I'm thrilled with the work they've done today, both quality and the quantity. Great performance, Very, very solid all the way around. Jo: All right then. Michael: Okay. Happy St. Patrick's Day. [Starts to leave office] And also, I would like to say that I will be canceling my trip down to Tallahassee. Although I do look forward to our professional relationship. Jo: Michael? Michael: Yes. Jo: I look forward to that too. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Ooh. It's coming down out there. Erin: Yes. Thank you, for coming all the way here. Andy: No, I- Erin: I'm so sorry I was so sick. [Andy leans in. She leans in. Reid appears in background. Erin kisses Andy on the cheek.] Andy: Ah. Oh great, now I'm gonna get sick. [They both laugh] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Excuse me, excuse me. Hey guys! Meredith, Creed, Oscar and Matt: [cheering Michael] Michael: Drinks are on me! Oscar: No! No, no no! Put your credit cards away. Drinks are on us! Michael: Oh -hoh! All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I don't know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her, and pretend to work late? Nah. I spent all day, trying to make her like me, and I forgot to ask myself something[/b]: Do I even like her? As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin says, "Don't worry, be happy." Todd Packer: Whoops! [Humps Michael] Michael: Okay. Okay, all right. Best night ever. [Meredith joins behind Packer] What the hell is going on back there? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Yeah. We should be able to have that right over to you by Monday. Yeah no problem. [Reveal Jim behind Quad-Desk] Thank you. Dwight: What the hell is this? Jim: Oh! Dwight: This is not Mega-Desk. Jim: No, it's not. They call it Quad-Desk. Dwight: That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks. Jim: Oh my God. We're going to have to re-name it then aren't we? [Dwight's phone rings. He crawls into nook under Jim's Quad-Desk] Dwight: Hello, Dwight Schrute?

Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who thinks he has impressed Jo? A: trouble; Q: What does Dwight make for Jim? A: paternity; Q: What kind of leave did Jim take? A: interesting results; Q: What were the results of Andy and Erin's first date? Summary: Michael thinks he has impressed Jo, only to discover that someone else in the office has caught her eye. Dwight makes trouble for Jim on his first day back from paternity leave. Andy and Erin go on their first date, with interesting results.

ACT ONE Scene One - KACL Frasier is finishing his show. Frasier: Our topic today has been honesty--the courage to face each other with the plain truth. I've certainly enjoyed myself these last few hours, I hope you have too. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good mental health. He goes off the air, Roz comes into his booth. Frasier: Well, that was a dog of a show. Roz: They all blend. [picks up a message slip on Frasier's console] Oh, you got a message. A Blaine Sternin called-- Frasier starts and recoils from the slip like it's a rattlesnake. Frasier: Blaine Sternin! [gives her back the slip] Call him back, tell him I'd dead! Roz: [rereads the slip] Sternin? Is he related to Lilith? Frasier: Yes, he's Lilith's half-brother, the curse of the family! What does it say when Lilith is the good one? Roz: He sounded charming on the phone. Frasier: Well, of course he sounded charming. Charm is the viscous grease with which he oils his flim-flam machine! The man will say anything to get what he wants! Roz: I can't believe I haven't dated this guy. Frasier: The only reason he'd be contacting me is to separate me from my money. The man is always coming with some sucker's sob story, while he's busy living the high life in Laughlin, Nevada! You know, he once stole from me a very precious antique: my 18th Century English salt server. Roz: Well, if you don't mind Elvis, you can have mine. [gives him back the slip] Frasier: [looks at it] Oh, dear God. Roz: What? Frasier: This number he left... it's local. The beast walks among us. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Apartment Martin, Niles, and Daphne are watching television. Frasier rushes through the front door and slams it behind him. Frasier: Don't answer the front door or the phone. Lock all the windows. Blaine Sternin is in Seattle! Daphne: Who? Martin: [turns off the TV] Lilith's half-brother. Niles: Is he the scoundrel that walked off with your 18th Century salt cellar? Frasier: The very same! Daphne: Blaine Sternin. A package came for you this afternoon, I believe that was the name on the return address. [picks it up from the bookshelf] Frasier: What could he possibly be sending me? Daphne, you've got longer nails than I have. Daphne: Open it yourself. [tosses it to him] Frasier: Very well, all right. He sits on the couch and opens the package. Inside is a small ornate box with a note. Frasier: Well, what do you know? It's my salt server. He slowly opens the box. He and Niles both gasp. Niles: I've heard you speak about it, but I had no idea it was so magnificent. Martin trades a look with Daphne. Frasier: Would you look at this beautiful gilding, and the exquisite but playful scrollwork. Niles: And... it has a tiny spoon! [lifts it out] Daphne: Aren't you going to read the note? Frasier: Oh yes, of course. [Niles takes the server] Thank you, Niles. [reading] "Frasier, I apologize for any trouble I've caused, and hope you'll forgive me." He must think I've got turnips growing out of my ears! He's after something! Martin: Yeah, hide the pepper. The phone rings. Daphne answers it. Daphne: Hello, Crane residence. Thank you. [hangs up] That was the doorman. Mr. Sternin's on his way up. Frasier: So much for living in a security building! Daphne: Come on now, Dr. Crane, maybe he wants to make amends. Frasier: Daphne, let me acquaint you with the curriculum vitae of Mr. Blaine Sternin--or "Brad Cunningham," as he's known in Maine, "Royce Thibideaux" in Loo-siana, and "Santana De La Cruz," the pride of Albuquerque, New Mexico! This is a man who once made a living selling rare autographs, until it was discovered that Madame Curie and Sugar Ray Robinson had the same handwriting. And would you care to see the deed to my 50,000-acre kelp farm? Daphne: It's hard to believe a man of your intellect could be so fooled. Frasier: It wasn't my intellect that he preyed upon, Daphne. It was my kind and generous heart. Well, not this time. This time I will make it a stone. The doorbell rings. Frasier: He may come swaggering in here, but I assure you, he will go slinking out with his tail between his legs! [opens the door] All right, Blaine...! He trails off when he sees Blaine sitting in a wheelchair. Blaine: Frasier, my brother. It's been too long. Frasier: Hello, Blaine. A wheelchair? Nice touch. Blaine: Well, the truth is, I've been in a terrible accident. I've lost all feeling from my waist down, the doctors tell me I'll be like this for the rest of my life--oh hi, everybody! Blaine Sternin. He wheels himself in as everybody ad-libs hellos and shakes his hand. Martin: Come on in, Marty Crane. Blaine: Hey, hiya, Marty, how are you? Daphne: Daphne Moon. Blaine: Hey. Niles: Niles Crane. Blaine: Niles, how are you? Frasier: [still by the door] Bravo, Blaine! This is the best one yet! But you forget with whom you're dealing. I've seen it all. Daphne: Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair! Frasier: Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair! Martin: Frasier, if you don't believe him, why don't you call Lilith? Frasier: Good idea. He takes the phone to the hall. Martin sits back down and Blaine wheels beside him. Blaine: So, Martin, I see you also park in the blue zone. Martin: Yeah, when I can. But those spaces are always filled. Blaine: Ah yeah, well that's probably partly my fault. Boy, I sold a lot of fake handicapped plates in my time. Boy, talk about a butt-load of poetic justice, huh? Niles: Yes, I believe that is the basic unit of poetic justice. Frasier comes back and hangs up the phone. Niles: So, what did Lilith say? Has Blaine really lost the use of his legs? Frasier: She says she doesn't know, but hopes so. Blaine: Well, all right, I guess there's only one way I can prove this to you. Daphne, may I borrow that lovely pin you're wearing? Daphne: Oh, um... [unfastens it] let's see... here you go. Blaine: All right, here you go, Fras, my man! Stick it anywhere you'd like. Frasier: You'd have to get up for that. Blaine: All right, I guess I'll just do it myself. He calmly stabs the pin into the flesh of his right thigh, without flinching. Daphne, Niles, and Martin react. Blaine: There you go. Niles: That's disturbing. Martin: Cool! Frasier: Come on, that is nothing but a cheap parlor trick! Blaine: You know, I thought you'd take a little more convincing than that. Daphne, would you have a butcher knife in the kitchen? Martin: [gets up] Oh, I'll get it! Frasier: No, no, that's enough, Dad! All right, Blaine, let's cut to the chase. What's it going to cost me to get you out of here? Blaine: You want to know something, Frasier, you're almost right. You're almost right. It's true. I do want something from you. But what I want... is for you to get down on your knees and pray with me. I know these words sound strange, but I've had a deeply religious conversion. Daphne: Really? Frasier: Oh, this just gets better and better. Blaine: I guess it started with my car accident. I was driving drunk, which I had done one too many times. You know, it was a sign. Daphne: From God? Blaine: No, from the highway department. It said, "Lane Ends," and I just plowed right into it. The next thing I saw was a bright light and a tunnel. Daphne: So you had a near-death experience? Blaine: No, it was a CAT scan. You know, when Dr. Kagan told me I was paralyzed, well, I was devastated. There I was, at the lowest point a man can be... and He came to me. Daphne: Dr. Kagan? Blaine: No, wrong again, hon. It was God. Daphne: Oh, damn! Niles: Hang in there, sweetheart, you'll get one. Blaine: He showed me how I've squandered my life--you know, cheating innocent people. I-I was just filled with shame. And that's why I'm here, as a matter of fact. I've started a ministry to save souls the way the Lord saved mine. Frasier: What genius! The Lord--a credible partner who doesn't take a cut! Daphne: Dr. Crane, you should be ashamed of yourself! The fact that Mr. Sternin has turned his accident into something positive, well, it's one of the most inspirational stories I've ever heard. Frasier: Oh, Daphne, please! You have no idea what this man is capable of- Daphne: Sir, can I get you something to eat or drink? Blaine: You know, I could use a beer. I haven't given up everything. Martin: That is inspiring! Yeah, make it two, Daph. Daphne: O.K. Blaine: But I insist that I help. It's like a thing with me, all of a sudden. I just won't allow anyone to wait on me. Blaine wheels forward, and Daphne pushes him into the kitchen. Frasier: Well, you've just witnessed the first step in the Blaine Sternin long con. He sets you up, sucks you in, and then bam! Kelp futures. Niles: Perhaps you're rushing to judgement, Frasier. I know you two have a history, but isn't it possible that he's changed? Frasier: Oh, don't be a sucker, Niles! Dad, you're not buying any of this medicine show, are you? Martin: Well, the guy is laying it on pretty thick, but I guess he could be on the level. I mean, that pin thing was freaky. I want to get that on video. Daphne comes out with a beer for Martin. Frasier: Daphne, you left him alone in the kitchen? My sub-zero's probably on the way to a chop shop right now! He rushes into the kitchen and finds Blaine sitting there. Frasier: All right, Blaine, I've had enough. Get out. Blaine: Frasier, look, I don't know how to prove this to you, but I swear all I really came for was your forgiveness--first of all, for stealing that little teapot. Frasier: Salt server. Blaine: Is that what that was? Man, nobody knew. And for all the times I lied and I cheated you, and for the time I posed as you and treated patients for a year- Frasier: You what?! Blaine: It was only a couple people, I'd tell you who they were, but you know we've got that doctor-patient confidentiality thing. [Frasier puts a hand to his forehead] The point is, that part of my life is over, Frasier. I just--I don't know, I just want to give something back. Frasier: Really? If you wanted to give something back, you'd be mopping a soup kitchen, or reading to bedridden vets, or traveling to the Galapagos Islands to clean oil off some poor sea fowl, then maybe you'd have some credibility! Blaine: I know I've given you so many reasons to mistrust me. But don't you believe that people can change? Frasier: If I forgive you, will you leave and never return? Blaine: Yes. I promise you, you'll never see my face in this house again, unless I'm invited. Frasier: Very well. I grant you this boon, and I forgive you, now get out. Daphne: [enters] Oh, Mr. Sternin, I hope you'll stay for dinner. Blaine: Sounds like an invitation to me, Fras. Frasier storms out. END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Three - Apartment Blaine is sitting at the table with the Crane boys. Martin, and Niles are rapt, while Frasier keeps rolling his eyes. Blaine: This kid, no more than fifteen years old, he lives in a cardboard box under the overpass, and his mother comes to me and begs me, "Will you get my kid off drugs...?" Frasier: Yes, yes, and then you cured him, let's eat. Blaine: No, no, no, you don't cure something like addiction overnight. Well, look who I'm telling, you're a psychiatrist. You know. Frasier: Well, that's true. I have found in my research with addictive personalities that... oh, for God's sake, what the hell am I doing? There probably is no kid anyway! Martin: Oh, Frasier, let up on the guy, he's a man of God. Blaine, can I take a picture of you with a fork in your leg? Daphne brings dinner from the kitchen. Daphne: All right, everybody, dig in. They all thank her and start to serve themselves. Niles: That looks beautiful, Daphne... Blaine: Well, who wants to say grace? Niles: Oh... [covering] We almost forgot. Daphne: [covering] Whose turn is it this time? [everyone mumbles] Blaine: O.K., I will! You want to join hands? Blaine, Martin, Niles and Daphne join hands. Blaine holds out his hand to Frasier. Frasier holds up a "one second" finger, removes his watch from that wrist, and holds it in the hand that joins Daphne's before joining hands with Blaine. Frasier: Ready. Blaine: Dear Lord, bless this food, and this company. Give us your guidance, and teach us to be forgiving, as you instructed your Apostles-- Frasier: I'll give you fifty bucks if you can name three of them! Niles: Frasier! Frasier: [puts money on table] Here you go, two twenties and a ten. Tell you what, I'll spot you John. Daphne: Dr. Crane, we're in the middle of a prayer! [to Blaine] Please, go on. Blaine: Thank you, Lord. Amen. All but F: Amen. Frasier: [sullen] Amen. They begin to eat. Blaine: You know, normally I get paid after I say grace. They stop and look at him. Blaine: Nah, I'm kidding! They laugh. Niles: That was funny. Blaine: Yeah, you know, you're a godless bunch, but I love you. Frasier: You know, even worse than the godless are those who would use God for their own gain. They are the true hypocrites, who should burn in the fiery hell for all eternity! Blaine: Am I picking up a vibe here? Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, did you think that was directed at you? Blaine: You know, I could quote you chapter and verse all night to try to prove to you that I'm a changed man. But you know what? Instead, why don't you come see me in action on Sunday? Niles: What do you mean? Blaine: Come and hear me preach. Witness what God can do through me in all His splendour and all His glory in the Regency room down at the airport Ramada. Daphne: I'd love to go. Martin: I wouldn't mind checking that out. Niles: Sure, why not? Blaine: Bless you people, that's just great, thank you very much. The only problem is, the advertising was just a skosh more than I thought, and I came up a thousand dollars short on the hall rental- Frasier: A-ha! The other shoe comes cascading from the sky! One thousand dollars, you say? Well, you're not getting it out of me, you born-again Bilko! [to the others] Didn't I tell you? Blaine: Frasier, you know, what I was going to say if you'd let me finish was, somehow, the Lord will provide. And by the way, [rapidly] Matthew, John and Thomas, Bartholomew, Jude, Judas, two Jameses, Andrew, Peter, Simon the Zealot, and Phillip. [picks up the money] $950 to go, pass the po-tah-toes, please. Daphne does. [SCENE_BREAK] THAT'S HOW THEY TALK IN SWEDEN Scene Four - Cafe Nervosa Frasier and Roz are sitting in the doorway booth. Frasier: He says, "the Lord will provide" the money. But we all know who that means--me! Roz: You know, I always had a thing for evangelists. When I first started out, I worked at this station back in Wisconsin. There was this young preacher who had a show of his own on Sunday mornings. He spent hours trying to save my soul. [chuckles at the memory] Frasier: And? Roz: And it worked, and now I'm a nun. What do you think happened? She gets up and goes to the counter. Niles and Daphne come in. Daphne: Hello. Frasier: Oh, Daphne, Niles. Daphne: Well, Dr. Crane, you needn't worry about Blaine asking you for money anymore. He's received the thousand dollars he needs for Sunday. Frasier: What nitwit gave him a thousand dollars? Niles: Now, Frasier, that's not fair. Perhaps whoever did it simply has a kind heart and a trusting nature that I, for one, find refreshing. Frasier: [after glaring at Niles] Oh, Daphne... Daphne: I come from a large family of scoundrels and n'er-do-wells, who repeatedly promised me they'd change their ways, and never made any effort. Now here's someone who's actually trying, and succeeding. Now I think that's worthy of a little encouragement. Coffee, Niles? Niles: Yes, please. She gets up and goes to the counter. Frasier: I can't believe Daphne got snowed by that crook. Now I've got to expose Blaine for the charlatan that he is. [takes out cell phone] What was the name of that doctor he said treated him in Laughlin? Niles: Uh, it was... Kagan, if memory serves, Dr. Kagan. Frasier: Shouldn't be too hard to find. [speaking very slowly into phone] Laughlin, Nevada. Dr. Kagan. [to Niles] I'm being connected. Niles: Frasier, you're sure you're not being a tad obsessive? Frasier: Niles, this is about the truth. [into phone] Yes, hello? Uh, yes, Dr. Kagan, please. Busy? Too busy to talk with Dr. Frasier Crane, from [fake European accent] ze Nobel Prize Committee? On Niles's look, we: [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Auditorium Blaine is preaching from a dais in an auditorium, speaking into a headset microphone. Daphne, Martin, and Niles, are among the crowd. Blaine: Now, you may ask yourself, "Why would THIS man spend the last hour preaching the word of God, look what God did to him!" Well, I'll tell you what God did to me. He took away my legs, to show me how tall I can stand! Assent from the crowd. Martin, Niles, and Daphne are rapt with attention. Blaine: Because until this happened, I was not a whole man. I was a gambler, I was a liar, I was a cheat! Everything you can imagine--that was me, I did it! Ooh, I was a BAD man. Go ahead, name something! Frasier comes into the auditorium and sits behind Martin. Woman: A thief! Blaine: Oh, a thief! Not a day passed that I wasn't. Anybody else, come on! Man: A womanizer! Blaine: [snorts] Yeah, in between affairs. 2nd Woman: A tax evader! Blaine: Yeah, but that was on principle. As Blaine continues: Frasier: Come on, little sheep. Come on into this nice little pen. Daphne: Shh! Martin: I thought you weren't coming. Frasier: I just can't stand to see people get fleeced. I have left half a dozen messages for this so-called doctor of his. I'll tell you what, the guy comes back with a different excuse every time why he can't come to the phone. Niles, I tell you, there is no such man as this Dr. Kagan. He doesn't exist! Blaine: And yet, for the first time in my life I'm a happy man. Oh, I can't dance the way I used to, but you know, my heart's turning cartwheels. I can't run, but there's no need to hide anymore. I can't make love, but I can feel love. Now, do you want that kind of happiness? Because if you do, let me hear you say, "Yeah!" Crowd: Yeah! Blaine: Come on, like you really mean it! Yeah! Crowd: Yeah! Blaine: Are you willing to do whatever it takes? Are you willing to make these earthly sacrifices to make heavenly gains? As the crowd's chorus of "Yeah!" rises, Frasier stands up and bleats like a sheep. Frasier: BAAAAAAA! Have you people lost your senses? Do you hear yourselves? This is no man of God! He's a huckster! Martin: Frasier, sit down! This is why I hate going anywhere with you. Frasier: This charade has got to stop right now! I will not allow these good people to be bamboozled! As he steps onto the stage, the crowd boos and hisses him. Blaine: No, no, people, it's all right. He belongs up here. He's one of God's creatures. Frasier: I am no such thing! I will prove once and for all that this man is a fraud! See for yourselves! He grabs Blaine's wheelchair and tips him onto the floor. The crowd gasps, and the people in the front row start forward. Frasier: No, no, no, don't help him! That's enough of this, Blaine! Get up! GET UP! Blaine: Wait, people. He knows not what he does. Frasier's cell phone rings. He answers it. Frasier: What?! ...Yes, Dr. Kagan. Yes, I did. Uh-huh... uh-huh... For life. I see, thank you. [hangs up] Well, it seems an apology is in order. Please, help me get this man back into his chair. [the people do] And I will match all contributions to this man's ministry here today, dollar for dollar! You want fulfillment, you want inner peace, this is your man right here: Blaine Sternin! Come on, dig deep! Brother Niles, you've been richly blessed! Niles' eyes widen furiously at Frasier putting him on the spot, but Daphne elbows him. He takes out his wallet as everyone else reaches for their wallets and purses. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - Apartment Frasier and Martin are standing over Blaine by the front door. Blaine: Thanks again for paying in cash there, Fras. I'd rather see that money go to poor people than, you know, Uncle Sam. Frasier: It's my pleasure to do it. Blaine, there's something I'd like you to have. He goes to the curio cabinet by the door and takes out the box with the salt server in it. He gives it to Blaine. Blaine: Well... well, thanks. You know, this is, uh, this is really gonna help some needy people now that I know what the heck it is. They share a laugh. Blaine: Martin, it's been a pleasure, my man. Martin: [shakes his hand] Oh, same here, Blaine. Good luck to you. Blaine: Well, thanks a lot. Frasier: [extends his hand] Blaine, you are welcome in my home any time. Blaine: [moved, shakes his hand] Well, thank you, Frasier. That means a lot to me. God bless you. Well, I'm off to spread the good word. Frasier: Right. [opens the door] You are indeed a "holy roller." Blaine: [chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Blaine exits. Frasier closes the door and sighs. Frasier: Well, there was a lesson learned. Martin: Yeah, don't throw a guy out of a wheelchair. Who knew? Frasier: Well, I guess I just needed a reminder that people really are capable of change. [sits on the couch] Martin: [sits in his Chair] Well, I got to be honest with you. I wasn't totally convinced myself until I saw him on stage. Before you came in, he was talking about all these things he did right after his conversion. Man, that guy was committed. He mopped up soup kitchens. He read to bedridden veterans. He even went to the Galapagos Islands to help clean the old off some fowls! Frasier's face has hardened noticeably through this recitation. Frasier: He said that, did he? He rushes to the door, pulls it open--and gasps when he sees the wheelchair sitting vacant in the hallway. Frasier: BLAAA-INE!!! END OF ACT TWO Scene Z - Apartment Martin slips a folded newspaper down the front of his pants, over his right thigh, obviously meaning to duplicate Blaine's "parlor trick." Daphne comes out, and Martin shows her the pin, daring her to stick him. Daphne doesn't want to, but he cajoles her into taking the pin. He sits back, smiling--and Daphne stabs him in the LEFT thigh. He yells in pain and rises angrily, as Daphne backpedals toward the kitchen, trying to ward him off.

Plan: A: Blaine Sternin; Q: Who is Lilith's half-brother? A: Michael Keaton; Q: Who played Blaine Sternin? A: Seattle; Q: Where does Blaine live? A: an expert con-man; Q: What does Frasier remember Blaine as? A: kelp; Q: What did Blaine sell Frasier futures in? A: a valuable salt server; Q: What did Blaine steal from Frasier? A: his ways; Q: Blaine claims to have seen the error of what? A: forgiveness; Q: What does Blaine ask Frasier for? A: a empty wheelchair; Q: What does Frasier find outside his apartment? Summary: Lilith 's half-brother, Blaine Sternin (played by Michael Keaton ), has come to Seattle . Frasier remembers him as an expert con-man , who sold him futures in kelp and stole a valuable salt server from him years ago. He is now resolutely determined not to fall for any more scams. Blaine turns up at his door in a wheelchair, announcing that he had a car accident which left him paralysed from the waist down. He claims to have had a deep religious conversion and seen the error of his ways, and to be working now as a preacher . He returns the salt server and asks Frasier for forgiveness. Niles, Martin and Daphne are all convinced, but not Frasier, and he refuses to rest until everyone else realises what a charlatan this man is. After he embarrasses himself trying to prove Blaine is a fake, Frasier concedes and forgives him, only to find out later that his instincts were right and that Blaine was faking the whole time when he finds a empty wheelchair outside his apartment.

SNAKEDANCE BY: CHRISTOPHER BAILEY Part Two First Air Date: 19 January 1983 Running time: 24:35 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: We don't know nearly enough. Without more information we are simply blundering around in the dark. NYSSA: The TARDIS databanks? DOCTOR: No, no, no. This is the Mara's homeworld. The answers we need are out there. I'll try the Director of the Research Institute, and you look for Tegan in the market. We'll meet back here. NYSSA: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Well, thank you anyway. NYSSA: Tegan! TEGAN: Come to see the fun? NYSSA: The fun? TEGAN: Yes, she's still in there. She screamed and screamed. NYSSA: Are you all right? Where've you been? TEGAN: I'm fine. Why shouldn't I be? NYSSA: You're not wearing the anti-dreaming device. TEGAN: I took it off. It wasn't necessary. NYSSA: Tegan, what about the Mara? TEGAN: Stop fussing. What Mara? Look, here she is. Quick, she mustn't see me. TEGAN: You should have seen her face. It was so funny. When she screamed, you could see right down her throat. NYSSA: Tegan, what's the matter with you? What's been going on? Tegan, look at me. TEGAN: Nyssa, help me. Help me. I made it appear. NYSSA: What? TEGAN: You fool. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. NYSSA: Tegan! [SCENE_BREAK] CHELA: Er. AMBRIL: Yes, Chela, what is it? CHELA: It could be the man you were talking about. AMBRIL: What man? CHELA: The man from the cave. AMBRIL: Oh, that man. No, can't possibly. Tell him to go away. DOCTOR: Er, hello. AMBRIL: I know exactly what you want. DOCTOR: Do you? AMBRIL: Yes, you've come to pester me with some extravagant theory you've dreamed up concerning the Mara, and should I, the Director, fail to take sufficient notice of your colourful improbabilities, it will be the end of civilisation as we know it at least. How am I doing so far, hmm? DOCTOR: Look AMBRIL: Sorry to disappoint you, but, you know, you're hardly the first. For some reason, the study of the Sumaran era has always attracted more than its share of cranks. Particularly when a ceremony's due. DOCTOR: What ceremony? AMBRIL: Commemorating the destruction of the Mara by the Federation. Surprise me. Tell me you didn't know. DOCTOR: When is it to be held? AMBRIL: Tomorrow. DOCTOR: Impossible! It must be called off. At least until my companion is found. AMBRIL: Oh, certainly. DOCTOR: What? AMBRIL: Yes, I'll cancel the whole thing. At once. Now my assistant will show you out. DOCTOR: Look, the facts are these. First of all, my companion brought us here, to this world, without ever having been here before. Now why should she do that? Why here, why now? Then I used hypnosis to establish the presence of the Mara in her head. You see, she has a recurring dream CHELA: A dream? DOCTOR: And in this dream. What is it? AMBRIL: It proves nothing. Merely that he's acquainted with the legend. DOCTOR: The Legend of the Return? CHELA: Yes. AMBRIL: Don't encourage him. DOCTOR: Well, tell me! Look, all I want's a little information. What possible harm is there in that? DOCTOR: Tell me about the legend. AMBRIL: All right, all right, humour him, Chela. But remember, there are no actual facts to impede the full flow of the imagination. CHELA: The Legend tells that the Mara was not destroyed by the founders of the Federation, but only banished. DOCTOR: To the Dark Places of the Inside. CHELA: Yes. DOCTOR: I'm so sorry. Do go on. CHELA: Anyway, according to the Legend, the Mara will return in a dream. DOCTOR: What does it want? CHELA: It returns to regain its power over men, when the minds meet again in the Great Crystal. DOCTOR: The Great Crystal? AMBRIL: That's enough. DOCTOR: How can minds meet? AMBRIL: How indeed. Wishy mystical mumbo-jumbo. CHELA: What about the Snake Dancers? AMBRIL: It appeals to a certain type of mind. Primitive, lazy, uneducated type of mind. Even my assistant here isn't immune. You'll find that the Legend becomes more and more vague the closer it approaches anything resembling any factual detail. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Hello? [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA (OOV.): Hello? [SCENE_BREAK] AMBRIL: Now take this, for example. It dates from the middle Sumaran era and unusually is mentioned quite specifically in the Legend. Oh, there can be no doubt. The reference is to the Six Faces of Delusion. Now count. One, two, three, four, five. You will observe there are five faces, not six as the Legend would have it. Now, my point is this. I do find it quite extraordinarily difficult to take seriously a Legend that cannot even count accurately. Of course, artistically speaking, it's an entirely different matter. The piece is exquisite. An undoubted masterpiece. DOCTOR: What is it? AMBRIL: Hmm? Headdress. DOCTOR: Try it on. AMBRIL: What? DOCTOR: Try it on. AMBRIL: Certainly not. Whatever for? DOCTOR: Please. I want to show you something, then I'll go and leave you in peace. AMBRIL: Very well. AMBRIL: Well? DOCTOR: Now, count the faces again. AMBRIL: Do as he says. CHELA: One, two, three, four, five. DOCTOR: And one makes six. The sixth Face of Delusion is the wearer's own. That was probably the idea, don't you think? AMBRIL: Get out! Go on, get out! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: No, please. MARA (OOV.): Face me. TEGAN: No. No, I mustn't. I can't. MARA (OOV.): Face me. TEGAN: I'm so tired. MARA (OOV.): Then borrow my strength. TEGAN: How is it possible? TEGAN: On the Kinda world, the Mara was repelled by mirrors. MARA (OOV.): On the Kinda world, I was trapped in a circle of mirrors. There is no circle here. TEGAN: Why am I so confused? MARA (OOV.): You're divided against yourself. A stranger in your own mind. You are pathetic. Look at me! I can make up your mind. TEGAN: No. MARA: Why not? What are you afraid of? Just who do you think you are? [SCENE_BREAK] CHELA: Doctor? Take this. DOCTOR: What is it? CHELA: The Snake Dancers use them in their rituals. They call them Little Mind's Eye. In the Legend, the Great Crystal is named as the Great Mind's Eye. DOCTOR: Indeed. CHELA: Perhaps there's a connection. Perhaps they're even made of the same substance. I don't know, Ambril refused to let me run the tests. DOCTOR: Why are you telling me this? CHELA: I must go. DOCTOR: Do you believe in the Legends? CHELA: No, of course not. DOCTOR: One more question. Who are the Snake Dancers? [SCENE_BREAK] HAWKER: Highly convincing, young lady. A trick, of course. Voice projection, the art of the ventriloquist perhaps, but in different registers. Oh, very original, all in all. Various possibilities present themselves immediately, should you be, er, along the lines of a partnership. A booth, perhaps and so forth. And me outside enticing the passer-by. Talking them in, relieving them at the door of some small token of their sincere interest. You inside in the half dark, talking away to yourself and scaring them all half to death. Highly satisfactory all round. What do you think? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Nyssa! NYSSA: Doctor. NYSSA: I saw Tegan. I spoke to her. DOCTOR: Well, where is she now? NYSSA: She ran away from me. I lost her in the crowd. But Doctor, look. NYSSA: She was behaving very oddly. DOCTOR: Was she marked? NYSSA: I don't DOCTOR: On her arm. The mark of the snake. NYSSA: I didn't look, I didn't notice. DOCTOR: It must be the Mara. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] HAWKER: Enough's enough. I said I was impressed, as impressed as I need to be. I'm not a curious man. I was once, a long time ago. I was a humble student of life's mysteries. A treader of the secret pathways, a delver into the darker corners and so forth. All rubbish, of course. At the end of the day, when the lights come up, as in one form or another they always do, there's always somebody standing there with their hand out, waiting to be paid. I decided long ago that person might as well be me. Or, in present circumstances, us. TEGAN: Us. TEGAN: Who exactly are you? You're not important. There is only one. Only he matters more than what is to be done here. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: I'm not coming. TANHA: Good. LON: I beg your pardon? TANHA: It's probably just as well. You'd only spoil it. Your behaviour in the caves this morning was unforgivable. The poor man was quite disconcerted. LON: Ooo. TANHA: You were taking advantage of your position. LON: Oh please, you're going to be dreary. TANHA: No, I am not going to be anything. We are invited to dinner, I am going. Are you just going to lie there being bored? LON: Yes, do you know, I rather suspect I am. After all, what else is there to do? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on. NYSSA: Why are we here? DOCTOR: Facts, Nyssa, facts. There's something I noticed before. I need to take another look. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA (OOV.): At what? DOCTOR: The pictograms. There's a ceremony taking place commemorating the supposed destruction of the Mara. NYSSA: So? DOCTOR: The Mara's waited a long time for this return. I think it plans to be spectacular. [SCENE_BREAK] TANHA: Oh, Lon. Do come to the party. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: There! Now look. What do you make of that? There in the centre. Could that represent the Great Crystal? NYSSA: Could do. DOCTOR: And these lines from the centre, energy of some sort? NYSSA: Mental energy. DOCTOR: What? NYSSA: Well, presumably. The lines go to the heads of the figures. DOCTOR: Hmm. Minds meet in the Great Crystal. But what are these? Now, everything in this pictogram tells us something if we know how to read it, so what are these? [SCENE_BREAK] LON: Who is it? HAWKER: Excuse me for intruding, my Lord. Your lackey LON: The showman. HAWKER: Oh, I'm flattered you remember me. LON: Of course I remember you. Go away. HAWKER: Ah. Our previous encounter, rather unfortunate. Heat of the moment, press of the crowd, various misunderstandings, so forth. LON: What do you want? HAWKER: I've been sent to fetch you. LON: Have you indeed? HAWKER: You are, er, summoned. LON: Summoned? I am summoned? How extraordinary. By whom? [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA (OOV.): Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hmm? NYSSA: If the Great Crystal of the Legend ever really existed, then logically there is where it would have fitted. [SCENE_BREAK] HAWKER: In here, my Lord. LON: This is your booth. I'm beginning to regret this. I hope for you sake that I'm not going to be disappointed. HAWKER: Please, my Lord. LON: Can I have your personal assurance? HAWKER: She's inside. LON: So I should hope. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: You, er, summoned me, apparently. It's not something I'm accustomed to, but here I am. Well, what happens now? LON: Yes. After all, why not. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Obvious. NYSSA: What is? DOCTOR: The Great Crystal, the Great Mind's Eye. That's the clue! The lines do represent the flow of mental energy, but not going to the individual figures, coming from them. NYSSA: And meeting in the Great Crystal. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Just as a lens focuses the rays of the sun, the Great Mind's Eye gathered all the individual thought energies and concentrated them, and amplified them, and redirected them there. NYSSA: But it's blank. It's been scratched out! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Now, according to the Legend, the Great Crystal is the source of the Mara's power. But where is it now? What exactly were its properties? Oh, if only we could take a look at the Great Crystal itself. Unless, I wonder. [SCENE_BREAK] AMBRIL: Then you see, my Lady, we draw a complete blank. It's quite clear that the Manussans of the pre-Sumaran era were a highly civilised people. Their technology in some senses was considerably in advance of our own. Then, suddenly, almost overnight, the Manussan civilisation simply disappeared. It was certainly subjected to a cultural catastrophe of unimaginable proportions. TANHA: Shall we eat? AMBRIL: Yes, to such an extent that when the Federation record begins some six hundred years later, they speak of the Manussans as a primitive people in thrall to the Mara, sunk in barbarity, degradation and cruelty. AMBRIL: Are you all right, my Lady? TANHA: Yes, yes, of course. Please do go on. AMBRIL: A shame your son could not be with us. TANHA: Yes, I'm sure he would have found it all most illuminating. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Silence! Follow me. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on, over there. Now, sit down. NYSSA: Doctor, I'm not at all clear what we're supposed to be doing. DOCTOR: Just think about it. NYSSA: What? DOCTOR: Sit down. DOCTOR: Now, simple test. The Great Crystal focuses thought in some way. Now, if this is the same sort of crystal, it should exhibit the same properties. We must direct our thoughts at it and observe what happens. NYSSA: Now? DOCTOR: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: Come on, hurry up. HAWKER: I, er, where's she taking us? LON: Come on. HAWKER: I, I, I don't. LON: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: I'm sorry, Doctor. I can't concentrate hard enough. DOCTOR: It doesn't matter. NYSSA: I feel so foolish. DOCTOR: We'll try another way. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Where is the Crystal? Who has dared to remove the Great Crystal? [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Hmm? I'm adjusting the frequency. I need to eliminate all unnecessary outside noise as an aid to concentration. There. Right, let's try again. You come and stand over here, watch the crystal closely and observe any changes. You ready? NYSSA: Yes. DOCTOR: Right. NYSSA: It can't be. It's impossible. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: You're not impressed. LON: Not overly, no. Why, did you expect that I would be? TEGAN: Leave them alone. LON: Toys for children. HAWKER: Toys? You don't understand. These are the real thing, the genuine article. They're worth money, a fortune! LON: Now tell me about the Great Crystal. That interests me. It interests me very much indeed. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: And then the light faded. DOCTOR: Well, of course, it's small. It's power is obviously limited. NYSSA: But there was only a blue light. DOCTOR: You're missing the point, Nyssa. It's not what you saw but that you saw anything at all. It proves the crystal has the quality of transforming thought into energy. NYSSA: I see! DOCTOR: Perhaps even into matter itself. Just think of the power the Great Crystal must have. Whatever's in your thought, whatever in your mind, it can actually make it occur. NYSSA: And if the Mara's in Tegan's mind DOCTOR: Exactly. The Mara needs the Great Crystal in order to make itself reoccur. Er, stay here. NYSSA: Where are you going? DOCTOR: To warn Ambril. He knows where the Great Crystal is now. He must be made to listen. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: Yes, I do know where it is. TEGAN: Where? LON: Or rather, to be more precise, I know who knows where it is, and how he may be persuaded to tell us. [SCENE_BREAK] AMBRIL: A toast to the Federation in the person of this charming lady DOCTOR: I do assure you it is most important. Where is the Great Mind's Eye? TANHA: The what? DOCTOR: The Great Crystal from the snake in the chamber. AMBRIL: I beg your pardon, my Lady. TANHA: No, really, I love surprises. DOCTOR: You know where it is. AMBRIL: I certainly do. DOCTOR: Where? AMBRIL: Wherever it is, I can assure you it's perfectly safe. DOCTOR: The Great Crystal is the source of the Mara's power. It needs that power to make itself reoccur. That's why it has returned. AMBRIL: I think we've heard enough. Take him away. DOCTOR: Through the Great Crystal the Mara will reoccur as a physical fact here on Manussa! [SCENE_BREAK] LON: Only one thing remains to be decided. TEGAN: Yes. HAWKER: Me? Oh, er, I could assist in whatever capacity, using my discretion. HAWKER: Or, or, I could simply forget. Whichever and whatever you prefer. TEGAN: He has served his purpose. LON: You are no longer necessary. TEGAN: Look at me. HAWKER: No, no, please, what are you doing? TEGAN: Look at me! HAWKER: No! TEGAN: Look at me. I'm not going to harm you. Look at me. LON: That's right. Look at me. Look at me.

Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who finds out about the legend of the Mara's return? A: Tegan; Q: Who summons Lon to her? A: the cave; Q: Where does Tegan go to see the Mara skull? Summary: The Doctor finds out about the legend of the Mara's return. Tegan goes into the cave and see's a Mara skull in one of the mirrors. Tegan summons Lon to her.

On the movie set, principal's office Alanis: (In character) First there was the episode with Mr. Wallfish's toque in the east trough and we mustn't forget the visiting left tenant you deked out and accosted on the tarmac. Jay: (In character) You understand a word this hoser's saying, Silent Bob? How the hell did she get to be principal when she don't even speak gooder English like us Americans?! Alanis: (In character) You boys are too bloody stupid to make the grade down in the states and your last hope is the school system of the Great White North eh. You want to get oot of grade 12?! (Silent Bob nods.) Alanis: (In character) You better start learning what the metric systems all aboot! Jay: (In character) I've got three words for you! Go to... (Alanis smacks him in the jaw with a hockey stick and he falls back.) Alanis: (In character) There will be no more cuss words out of you, you potty mouth mall rat. You're gonna learn the dual languages of my home and native land and you're gonna savor my poutine! Cause you're in Canada now eh?! Kevin: And that'd be a cut! Very nice. Ooh very nice. Alanis: Really? It wasn't too subtle for you? Kevin: Subtle no, but I do think the PM's gonna revoke your citizenship. Alanis: Well where am I gonna hide out from 4 more years of Bush in the states. That's why I'm here. Kevin: That's why I'm here. Isn't that why you're here Mewesy? Jay: Oh no sir. That's why I'm here. (He looks at Ashley) Hey how you doing? Kevin: Craig do not this fool mack on your broad just cause he's been in a few movies kid. Alanis: A few bad movies. Kevin: Exact... Alanis: So sorry Kevin. That was out loud wasn't it? I'm so sorry. Come on Mewesy, let's go make out in the trailer. Jay: For real? Alanis: For real. Kevin: And I cast her in two movies as God. What are you doing here sir, shouldn't you be home writing me a tune? Ashley: My fault. I dragged him away. Craig: She's uh, she's abandoning me tomorrow. Kevin: Oh that's right. London calling. What are you gonna do before you leave the UK? Ashley: See a movie in Luster Square. Kevin: Very, very good and make sure you write this dude tons of lovey-dovey post cards. I need him in that frame of mind so he can write me a power ballad. I gotta go back to work. You, I suggest you do the same! Beat it! Craig: Alright! Not like I'll have anything better to do all summer right? Ashley: Craig please. You said. Craig: It's a joke! It's me. It's joking. It's great. It's a great opportunity and I'll be fine. Honest. Ashley: Less than 24 hours from now and I'm on a plane to England. In the hallway, filming for Caitlin's show Kevin: So I've always been a huge fan of Canada, obviously. Um I love your country. I like it a lot. You don't invade other countries. You kind of hang back, try to go unnoticed so you don't get invaded, which is very sweet. Caitlin: Right. So um just for a sec can we talk about the movie? Kevin: Movie? Come on man, who are you Regis and Kelly?! I mean since when does 'signing off from planet earth, I'm Caitlin Ryan' want to talk about the movies? Caitlin: How do you know the sign off from my old show? No actually, why?! Kevin: Well if you'd listened to me the other day you'd know cause I'm creepy. I told you I was a big fan! See I got a real thing for pretty girls who chain themselves to trees and say aboot. Caitlin: Uh you are using real Degrassi kids as actors, yes? Kevin: I do. We use real students from the school, we're shooting in the school obviously. Very interested in keeping it real. Caitlin: Uh and so why set the film- Kevin: You don't want to say the title do you? Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian Eh?! Caitlin: Right. Why make them go Canadian? Kevin: Um well I don't know. If they ever needed a reason I would say that the very alluring women of the true north would make anybody thinking, man wanna go Canadian, Ms. Ryan. Yeah I'm talking about you. Caitlin: And cut... In the cafeteria Ashley: Liberty you can buy bottles of those at the grocery store. Liberty: Why buy them when they're here, gratis. Spinner: (Talking to Jay as the two of them are working) Hey you should have seen her yesterday with the mini corn. That was really gross. (Craig walks up and sees them.) Spinner: Dot's catering the shoot k so until summer school starts I'm here and got Jay a job too. So uh what are you having? We have prime rib, chicken cordon bleu, uh... Craig: I'd rather eat my own liver than accept food from you two scumbags. Jay: Manning do I need to remind you that I'm holding a big scary knife in my hand? Craig: Yeah?! Watch your fingers. Ashley: Did you take your pills last night? Craig: Don't ask me that. It's embarrassing. Ashley: No, that was embarrassing. Craig: Sorry. Sorry. In the hallway, filming the movie Manny: (In character) Jay when I was born Star Wars had already been out on video for 10 whole years. You're too old. Jay: (In character) I know there's laws to prevent it. I'm gonna marry that appolonia. She's the sugar in my maple, the cheese in my poutine, the bac in my bacon. Ellie: (In character) The ick in pathetic. Kevin: Cut! Very nice Ellie. Ick in pathetic. Manny nice job. You...ehhh. Ellie: (walks over to Craig) Your director wanted a real goth girl from 1988, I guess. Jay: He heard that, Marilyn Manson. Kevin: I did and it really hurt. I fought to cast you. Ellie: Only trying to get Morrissey here to crack a smile. Craig: Why? Ash is leaving to England where she's going to find a way cooler guy with an accent, fall madly in love and never, ever come back. Kevin: Ugh. The angst. Thank god I'm not a teenager anymore. Craig: It's not funny. Jay: That's right. It's, it's pathetic. (He touches Ellie's hair) Kevin: Sir! What uh flirting with disaster over here is trying to say is just go already man! I don't know what you're doing hanging around the hallways of Degrassi all summer anyway. Just find some summer music program, Coldplay or some excuse dude, but just go hang out with your old lady in London you know? What could be better than that? Beats this. Can I speak with you for a second? The teenage girl thing has to stop. It was funny the first time, now it's just sick. Jay: Sick? Kevin: You have problems. Jay: I know. In the media immersion lab Caitlin: Step mom alert. Minimize! Minimize! Craig: You can't even get to p0rn in here. Simpson has online officer. Caitlin: What about travel p0rn? Money shots of pigeons fowling Trafalgar Square? Big Ben in the rain? Craig: So you don't think me going to England's the worst idea since... whatever my last idea was? Caitlin: I think a summer away would be great for you actually. In Caitlin's studio Kevin: (On the TV) I'm trying to get the Canadian flag into every shot of the movie cause I'm a really big fan of the Canadian flag. So was Mewes until he figured out it was a maple leaf instead of...the whacky. Thomas: Uh you got something more Hollywood right? More, more dish-y? Caitlin: Kevin is not exactly dish-y. I mean he's uh more self deprecating. Funny. Thomas: Funny is good. Especially when it's coming from a bona-fide celebrity. Let's use this opportunity okay? Take Local Heroes to a new level. Caitlin: A lower level? Thomas: That's right! We're talking the same language. (He leaves) Caitlin: Would you uh pull something up for me? From the 3 minute mark. Kevin: (On the TV) If you look at it, more democrats went to see Shrek 2 last year, than voted in the election, so what's there to get excited about? Or aboot. Caitlin: That's going in. Don't worry about Thomas. I'll take the bullet. *Her cell phone rings* Hello, Caitlin Ryan? Yes this is she. What?! At Joey's house Joey: This guy buys an SUV yesterday, top of the line, 80 plus. He comes back today, buys one for the wife! Caitlin: Wow. Amazing for you! Not for global warming. Joey: I know. I know, as usual you're my conscience. But honey! Two SUV's! Caitlin: Um I had a windfall today too, actually. Uh, a rep for a big, well big-ish broadcaster in LA called. They want to revive Ryan's Planet. Joey: Really?! From up here? Caitlin: Down there, but um well of course I can't accept it. Leave my family... Joey: Your family, which includes a sexy little car magnet(?) who loves you very much. *They kiss* What an honor being asked huh? Caitlin: Yeah...uh so Craig's in the garage and he has something he wants to talk to you about. As a favor, try to listen? In the garage Joey: Apparently I'm supposed to be open. As in my mind. Craig: Okay there's this great music school. Caitlin: In Camden. Craig: It's part of London. I'd be earning a credit for next year. Joey: You want to go to England? Caitlin: It's just for the summer and he's got education money in his trust fund. Craig: Yeah Ashley's dad is there and there are like teacher-types in my dorm. Just say yes! Just give in already. Caitlin and I have thought of everything. Joey: Not six months ago you were hospitalized! Diagnosed bi-polar. Craig: I'm okay now. I'm on my meds. I've been on them for months. Joey: Craig no. I, I don't feel comfortable with you being thousands of miles away from me. What if something went wrong? Craig: Right. England probably wouldn't even let a psychopath like me in, right? They already had what, Jack the Ripper and mad cow disease. Joey: I'm not saying that Craig! [SCENE_BREAK] In the hallway, filming the movie Paige: (In character) Listen girl-fiend, you and your so post-pubescent, he makes the Backstreet Boys look relevant, boyfriend can kiss my yoga-toned ass. Jay: (In character) Listen lady! There's some place's I won't even put my mouth. Kevin: And that'd be a cut! Thank god. That will bring us out of the scene people and Paige... Paige: Yes Mr. Smith? Did you love me? Did you really, really love me? Kevin: Oh love's not the word hon. That's a wrap for you today. Thank you. You were very uh...you were very. (He turns to Jay & Ellie) You guys are good. Really good. Let's do the next one. (He sees Caitlin.) Kevin: Oh my god. Lady you are just flat out haunting me. You hang out on my set any longer I may have to give you lines, put you in the movie. Jay: She better not get more lines than me sir. Kevin: Don't worry dude, the movie's not called Caitlin and Silent Bob Jay: Oh but that's the movie you want to make! Kevin: Oh I bet! Jay: X-rated version. Kevin: Well that was awkward. How are you? Caitlin: Great. I got a call last night from um, LA. Kevin: (gasps) A call from LA?! No, I don't believe it! Caitlin: So I just wanted to thank you for setting it up. Kevin: No need to thank me. Caitlin: Well I do because um, I said no. Kevin: Um no? Wait, no? You didn't, you can't say no. Caitlin: I have a family. I have my own show. I mean I can't just take off to LA! Kevin: Not for nothing, but you got to go back to acting globally. Never mind all this local stuff. It's just heartbreaking to see you sitting around cobbling together puff pieces about visiting D-grade celebrities. It's beneath you. Caitlin: D-grade celebrities? Kevin: Yeah. Caitlin: Like you? (She leaves) Kevin: Wait. Jay: I'm at least a C-grade celebrity though. At Caitlin's studio Thomas: Sorry Caitlin. We're locking you out of the edit suite on this one. Caitlin: What?! You're taking the Kevin Smith spot away from me? Thomas: Yeah. I want celebrity gossip alright? Even non-celebrity gossip. Hell if this guy spent the whole segment talking about his gay dog, it'd be more enjoyable than this. Caitlin: What?! It's his process as a filmmaker! Thomas: Yeah and I'm not laughing alright? I'm not hearing anything about Bennifer! Caitlin: Every time I hand something in to you, you rip it apart or you change it! Why?! Thomas: Why? You tell me Caitlin. This isn't Ryan's World. Caitlin: Ryan's Planet! Thomas: Or that. It's Local Heroes! Caitlin: I quit. At the movie theatres, Craig is playing his guitar Craig: Yeah so it still needs lyrics, but what do you think? Jimmy: It's good. It's good. I got something for you: Ashley please don't go. Please don't leave me. Don't fall in love with an ugly Limey. Craig: Shut up. Jimmy: Okay you can't throw fries at a kid in a wheelchair. Joey: Craig. Craig: Let's go get our seats. Joey: Craig listen. I know you thought I was being offensive but honestly I wasn't trying to hurt you. Craig: Yeah well you did! I mean why do I take the stupid pills?! You don't believe I'm better. Joey: (Holds out a plane ticket) There are conditions though. I will be calling the school to disclose your illness, I want you to call me every day especially if something doesn't feel right and I want Mr. Kerwin to keep an eye on you too. Craig: Yeah. Everything. Anything. I can handle it! I can. Really. Outside Ashley's house, Craig helps Ashley with her luggage Craig: Hey! What you got in here? Ashley: Every shoe I own. Hey. (They kiss) You know I thought this whole goodbye thing was gonna be so hard. I'm so glad you're here and you surprised me. Craig: Parting is so not sweet sorrow. (He shows her the ticket) I'm uh coming. Tomorrow, but since it's the red eye I'll be in London the day after that. Ashley: You're just flying to London? Craig: It's what planes are for. Ashley: You can't follow me to England. Craig: Ash come on. Ashley: Look why are you here doing this? Are you off your meds? Craig: No I'm not off my meds. I'm here cause I love you and I have plans. Ashley: Yeah so do I Craig and you said you were okay with them. You said it repeatedly, so what is this?! Craig: This is me trying to figure out how we're gonna spend the summer together. You think I'm having an episode! Ashley: I don't know what to think. Look I need space. I need to get away. Craig: Oh! Okay. Ashley: From you. Look Craig, I love you, but ever since my dad's wedding it's just been me worrying, me watching for signs, watching what I say. Craig: Why won't you just believe me? I'm better now. I'm okay. I am. Ashley: E-mail me okay? I'll see you in September. At a bar Caitlin: Says it's Local Heroes like, like it's actually a good title. Kevin: It's the single worst title since Hope Floats. Caitlin: Thank you! Kevin: Yeah. Caitlin: Yeah cause you think he'd want to add some substance to his crappy, unoriginal idea of a show. If he was here right now I would throw this drink with the ice cubes in his face! Kevin: Listen to you man, right on! This is the Caitlin Ryan I remember. The Caitlin Ryan from the DVDs, Ryan's Planet! That Caitlin Ryan. Caitlin: No this is the Caitlin that produces fluff, like camping trips and high school blood drives and I need another drink! Kevin: No hun you don't need another drink, you know? I need about 10 drinks to get to whatever plane you're on right now. Caitlin: Uh huh. So who's on Kevin's plane anywho? Kevin: Is that your very drunk charming way of asking me if I'm involved with anybody Ms. Ryan?! Caitlin: No! Kevin: No?! Caitlin: I'm just actually asking if you're gay. Kevin: Gay?! No I'm not gay! Is that what you think?! Heavens no. Why do I come off as gay? Cause I thought- Caitlin: A little. Kevin: Do I really? Right on. Good to know. No, No I'm very into chicks actually. I like chicks quite a bit. Caitlin: So why aren't you married? Kevin: Well I think I've just always been waiting for that one woman who I like to refer to as the iris. Caitlin: Oh my god you're engaged to a woman named Iris and I'm sitting here hitting on you? Kevin: No hun, no. Calm down. It's...boy are you drunk. You know what it means to iris in? No. You wouldn't remember if you did. Um it's a film term and uh it's like at the end of a Chaplin short. You ever see one of those? When Chaplin's walking away the camera and the images going, shrinking into a little circle, iris-ing in and I think that I've always kind of been waiting for that one woman that just, you know, makes me iris in. I'm sorry did you say you were like hitting on me before? (They kiss.) Kevin: Oh my god that was so awesome. (Caitlin grabs her purse and runs off.) Kevin: What are you alright? I'm sorry. Are you alright? I'm sorry. Are you okay? That was awesome for me. Are you-? Caitlin wait! At Craig's house Joey: So? Craig: So. Joey: So you've been home for half an hour, you haven't said a word. I get it. You don't want to tell the dad all the private details, even if that dad did pay for the plane ticket. Ashley was happy right? Craig: Thrilled. Blissed out. Neither of us can wait 'til I get there. Joey: Good. Craig: Yeah. All this excitement. Got to sleep. Joey: Alright buddy get some rest. We got a big day tomorrow. We got to get you luggage, money belts, British pounds, tally-ho! (Caitlin walks in as Craig walks upstairs.) Joey: Young love and not quite so young love. (Caitlin grabs him, throws him on the couch and kisses him) I don't know what kind of love that was, but that was good! Caitlin: Marry me. Joey: Have you been drinking? Caitlin: Yes. No. Yes. Just marry me! I want to come home to you, I want to wake up with you, I want to focus all my attention on you. Joey: I thought you'd never ask. Yes. (Craig is shown in the washroom, looking at one of his pills, then he dumps them all in the garbage.) Outside Craig's, the next morning Joey: Hey you ready? You got everything? Your camera, passport, all my phone numbers, Ashley's dad's number? Craig: Yes for the 400th time. Stop worrying. Joey: You're all grown up. Hey I'm proud of you, you know that? Craig: Yeah. Caitlin: Have a great trip! Craig: See you in September. Joey: Yeah. (Craig gets in the cab.) Craig: We're not going to the airport. There's been a change of plans. Scenes for next week Kevin: (to the camera, with Caitlin) Last week we made out! What are we gonna do this week?! Voiceover: Guest star Kevin Smith wraps shooting at Degrassi while Craig learns about life on the street. (Shows Craig getting beat up.) Skinny: No rules my friend. Voiceover: And Caitlin struggles with a tough decision. Joey: (crying) I don't want her to go! Kevin: (raising a toast) To Degrassi!

Plan: A: chaos; Q: What happens to Degrassi when Kevin Smith comes to film? A: the new Jay and Silent Bob movie; Q: What movie is Kevin Smith preparing to film? A: Craig; Q: Who grows upset when Ashley prepares to go to London for the summer? A: Caitlin; Q: Who begins spending a lot of time with Kevin? A: Joey; Q: Who is Caitlin doubting her relationship with? Summary: Degrassi goes into chaos as Kevin Smith prepares to film the new Jay and Silent Bob movie there: Craig grows upset when Ashley prepares to go to London for the summer, and Caitlin begins spending a lot of time with Kevin and doubting her relationship with Joey.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars ... Flashback scene of Veronica's Lilly driving (from 102 "Credit Where Credit's Due"). VERONICA: Why does she hate me? LILLY: She'd hate anyone she thought that Cut to present-day scene of Celeste and Duncan in the Kitchen Kane (from 103 "Meet John Smith"). LILLY: [Offscreen] Friendly advice. Watch her. Cut back to them in the car. LILLY: She'll break the two of you up if she can. Various shots of Duncan (from 101 "The Pilot"). VERONICA VOICEOVER: Ducan Kane. He used to be my boyfriend. Cut to Veronica racing to the murder scene (from 101 "The Pilot"). VERONICA VOICEOVER: It's been a year since my best friend Lilly Kane was murdered. LOGAN: [Offscreen] That's my girlfriend. Cut to Logan (from 101 "The Pilot"). LOGAN: Your friend. Cut back to Lilly's body. LOGAN: [Offscreen] Duncan's sister. Cut to Kane Dining Table (from 103 "Meet John Smith"). CELESTE: I think we could be a little more patient, Jake. JAKE: We all lost Lilly and we all miss her. But that does not mean we stop living our lives. Cut to hallucinated Lilly and a shocked Duncan (from 103 "Meet John Smith"). LILLY: The truth is gonna come out. It does not add up. You know that deep down inside. Cut to school car park (from 102 "Credit Where Credit" VERONICA: Just as God made me TROY: [Looped in] Do you need some help? [From original scene] I'm Troy. VERONICA: I'm Veronica. End previously. Open on Veronica and Troy kissing outside the door to the Mars' apartment. TROY: [Softly] OK. I'm uh, I'm really leaving now. VERONICA: OK. She leans up and kisses him. TROY: Seriously. VERONICA: [Whispers] See you. She kisses him again. TROY: OK. Good night, all right, no more. [Plants a final kiss] Good night. You know, uh, if we were the type of people who were going to school, this would probably be the time that I'd ask you to Homecoming Dance. Veronica smiles and lets herself into the apartment. TROY: [Softly, shaking his head] Oh boy. Cut to inside. Veronica is still smiling in her father's room, sitting on the couch. VERONICA: So, what did you think of him? KEITH: [Innocently] Oh, hey, you're home early. VERONICA: Oh hey, did you run his license plate? Or did you get fingerprints? KEITH: Sorry, honey, what? VERONICA: You know you're not fooling me. KEITH: OK. [Pause] Veronica, I have no idea what you're talking about. Veronica lets out a puff of disbelief and heads for her room. KEITH: Oh, hey, I forgot to tell ya. If he's gonna be kissing my daughter on my porch for eight and a half minutes, I'll need to meet him. Sweet dreams, honey. VERONICA: Is that really necessary? KEITH: He's taking up a lot of daddy-daughter time. I hardly get to see you. VERONICA: I see you constantly. KEITH Oh, sure. You see me but we do not do anything. Veronica huffs and goes to her room. The broad smile is back as she sits, then lies back on her bed, enjoying the moment. LILLY: [Offscreen] You buy Homecoming dress without me? Cut to Veronica flashback, standing before an open wardrobe, holding a pink dress. VERONICA: What? LILLY: [Offscreen] Why do you insist on [camera pans round to her] suppressing your hotness? The world is ready for you Veronica Mars. You do not have to blend in. VERONICA: I'm not trying to blend in. LILLY: [Reaching into the wardrobe] I mean, wha-, none of this reflects your personality at all. I'm- [pulling out a dress] why, why do you have this? You are not a yellow cotton dress. VERONICA: What am I? LILLY: You're like-you're [reaching in again] you're red satin. [Pushing her to the mirror] You are strapless red satin. [Putting a piece of red fabric against Veronica's chest from behind as Veronica looks in the mirror] Look at this. VERONICA: But there's no time for red, Lilly, the dance is tomorrow. LILLY: Oh, god, you, wait a minute. [Laughs] You know we're not really going to dance, right? VERONICA: Wait, what are you talking about? LILLY: The dance is just a lame excuse for a limo party. Logan has got all the refreshments taken care of so it's going to be amazing. VERONICA: No, I can not do that. You know my dad, he will find out and I'll get crushed. LILLY: [Dismissive puff] You'll get grounded. VERONICA: Severely. LILLY: Oh, whoop-of-frigging-doo, Veronica, I mean, grounding lasts what, a week? You are gonna remember this fun we have for the rest of your life. Trust me. Lilly leaps onto Veronica's bed. Cut back to Veronica. Cut to Neptune High. Wallace is sitting on the floor in front of a load of files, looking at a large stack of files behind him. We will learn her name is Georgia WALLACE: [Jumping up] Let me help you with that GEORGIA: You have to let me do something, Wallace. Oo-oo Just as Wallace reaches out, the files slide out of her arms. Wallace rescues some of the pile but the rest drop all over the floor. GEORGIA: OK, that was the pile you just got finished alphabetizing, was not it? WALLACE: Actually, it was two batteries. GEORGIA: Who could be bigger spaz, seriously? WALLACE: Yes, you could have knocked over three piles. GEORGIA: I'm so sorry. You would have been here if it was not for me. WALLACE: Really not a problem. GEORGIA: OK, you can stop being nice. I know I ruined your whole night. WALLACE: Georgia! Trust me. You have it. Georgia still looks really upset. She reaches out and hugs Wallace. GEORGIA: I think I was something really stupid. Wallace is grinning ear to ear. Georgia lets go of Wallace 's neck and stands back. GEORGIA: See, I got this email ... Cut to Veronica's second office, the girls room at Neptune High. Georgia is telling her story to Veronica while Wallace watches. GEORGIA: This guy Karl is super-rich. A trust fund kid. And I guess he has a gambling problem and he gets into trouble . Wallace races to the door and pushes the girl coming back out the door. WALLACE: Overflowing toilets. Use the faculty restroom. Wallace maintains a watch, listening at a distance. Georgia hands Veronica a copy of the email. She looks at it. VERONICA: Well, okay, first of all, a trust fund kid does not send a message from a grantastic tech dot com domain. That's pure nerd. [Reading] Hey buddy, I know you've been in contact for a while but I'm hoping you can help. GEORGIA: He was offering over 200% interest. And I only had to pay for the money for two weeks. Until his 21st birthday when he gets his trust fund. VERONICA: So you called and told him you'd like to face the cash. GEORGIA: Yeah, and everything would've been fine if he would've paid me two weeks ago, like he said. Veronica is looking for words that do not involve calling Georgia an idiot. WALLACE: Everything's gonna be fine, okay Georgia. [Winking at her] We'll get him. VERONICA: Will we now? Wallace grins and rolls his eyes to indicate that he wants to impress Georgia. Veronica already has her cell and has punched in a number. VERONICA: [Into phone, very bouncy] Hi Karl, it's Amber. Um, I got an email from you, I guess by mistake but I think I can help you. Give me a call. 555-0196. Veronica closes the cell just as the school bell rings. VERONICA: And I'm late for bio, again. [To Georgia] Ten percent of whatever I recover. Georgia, bemused, nods. Veronica starts to walk out of the world, she uses the cell again. VERONICA: [Bouncy and dumb, into the phone] Hi! You've reached Amber. Leave me a message. Wallace grins and mouths "Thank you" as Veronica passes to the door to leave the restroom. He looks back at Georgia and points at the Veronica departed. WALLACE: Did I tell you? Georgia, not totally sure of what is going on, smiles nervously. Opening credits. Scene opens in the journalism classroom. The students are watching the school television service, broadcast of which is underway. TV: ... last day to buy homecoming tickets. No homecoming tickets for the dance will be sold after that time. Veronica is not watching the broadcast, she is looking at a computer screen at the back. Logan comes into the classroom and sets his bag on the large central desk. TV: Kicking off the homecoming festivities, the dedication of the Lilly Kane Memorial Fountain. Veronica and Logan both look up at that. TV: The Kane family would like to invite all students and faculty to attend the tribute and celebrate the memory of Neptune High's most beloved students. Veronica has walked forward to this part of the broadcast and Logan notices her. Veronica looks at him and he will not sustain it, dropping his head down. TV: And in other news ... Cut to Veronica in the school hallway. She looks preoccupied. Troy sidles up beside her, full of the joys of spring, and walks with her. TROY: You and me, Thursday night, I'm thinking mini-golf. It's what all the kids are doing. [Off her skeptical look] But you do not golf. VERONICA: My dad wants to meet you. TROY: That's cool. Veronica has reached her locker and is dialling the combination. TROY: I'll pick you up at the door. I mean I can not do it and wipe but that's no problem. VERONICA: My dad's a little intense. She opens her locker. TROY: Do not worry. I give good parent. Troy leans down to kiss her. She smiles tenderly at her as she gets her books. TROY: And just so I can make the appropriate arrangements. Homecoming is a go, right? VERONICA VOICEOVER: This should make me happy. VERONICA: [To Troy, trying to hide her uncertainty] Yeah, yeah, it'll be fun. Troy strokes her arm and backs off and away. Veronica drops the face and is more ponderous. VERONICA VOICEOVER: The big dance being a staple of every high school girl's fantasy. Flashback to the Kane residence. Celeste is carrying a camera through the house. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I've already lived the dream. Everything else seems like a cheap reminder. CELESTE: Lilly! Long-haired Veronica comes into view. She is dressed in a long pink dress with spaghetti straps. She is pointing to a camcorder at Logan, who is posing in her tux and fancy waistcoat. CELESTE: Lilly! Dear! Everyone is waiting. Duncan is also in tux. Jake is sitting in a chair, watching Veronica and Logan fooling around. DUNCAN: What the hell is she doing? How long does it take to put on a dress? CELESTE: Honey, you know your sister. It's not an entrance if she's on time. Duncan huffs and groans. He walks back to Veronica who laughing at Logan, now dodging the camcorder. DUNCAN: Maybe you should go and help her. Lilly makes her entrance. VERONICA: Ah-umm, I think she's got it covered. Lilly is voluptuous and fabulous in a gold sequined backless dress. She does a slow-mo walk forward towards her audience, twirling as she goes. The front is a low cut, draped, halter held together at the breasts by a thin chain. The dress is split up at least one side. Jake stands at her approach and Logan walks up to meet her. LOGAN: I believe Keanu Reeves said it best, when he said, Whoa! Lilly laughs and proffers her cheek which Logan kisses. LILLY: All right, let's, ah, [taking Logan's hand] Let's make the pictures before, um, glitter rubs off. LOGAN: [Laughing] OK. They dance they're way over to Veronica and Duncan. VERONICA: [Holding out the camcorder to Jake] Could you ... Mr. K- Jake: Oh yeah, of course. The four friends get the boys behind their respective girlfriends. Jake with the camera and Celeste with the camera face them. CELESTE: [Without feeling] You look very nice. [Indicating Lilly's exposed cleavage] Lilly, could you ... Lilly is having none of it and it is becoming more of a cleavage. Duncan rolls his eyes to heaven in an amused, Veronica does a 'Oh my god but I'm impressed' and Logan grins. LILLY: Hey, I'm only young once. How many years ago do I have left. Celeste raises the camera and they start at different angles. The camera flashes, Jake keeps rolling and they have fun until Duncan spots the limo. DUNCAN: All right. Let's go. CELESTE: Be careful JAKE: Be safe out there. The party heads for the limo. Cut to present day. Veronica is still standing at her open locker, a look of loss on her face. Wallace comes up behind her as she closes her locker. WALLACE: [In very chirpy mood] Ladies and gentlemen, Veronica Mars [Bopping] I've talked about that girl more than I did in the past four months combined. Wallace has blown her blues and Veronica is smiling broadly. VERONICA: Her bread is your pleasure? WALLACE: Hey, hey, I'm the cavalry. I get to save the day. [Off Veronica's look] Are we going to save the day? Right? Veronica reaches for its ringing cell phone. VERONICA: Hello? On hearing the response, Veronica puts it on Wallace's arm. VERONICA: [Adopting Amber's simper] Oh yeah, this is Amber. Wallace gets his fingers excited and excited as he listens. VERONICA: Oh my god, hi! [Breaks] Of course I can meet you today, Veronica and Wallace walk ahead of shot just as Logan is passing behind them. He heads for Duncan, standing at his open locker. He has videos in his hand. LOGAN: What are you doing? DUNCAN: Ah. My mother thought it would be nice to have a video of Lilly for the dedication ceremony. LOGAN: What, she wanted you to do it? DUNCAN: No my dad did. He wanted someone who knew her. LOGAN: Do you want me to do it, man? You know I'm awesome at this stuff. Come on, let me do it. I wanna do it. Duncan nods his head and hands over the videos. DUNCAN: Thanks man. LOGAN: Yeah. Cut to Veronica, hair curly, skirt and cleavage exposed in a tight red sweater is the epitome of the blond bimbo. She has a flower in her hair. She is sitting on a bench in front of water. A man, who is going to be Karl, gets out of a car, carrying a backpack. Wallace and Georgia are watching from behind a Land Rover. WALLACE: Is that him? GEORGIA: I do not think so. Veronica sees her coming and pulling her shirt a little more. KARL: Amber? VERONICA: Karl? KARL: That's me! Veronica stands to greet him. KARL: You must think I'm the biggest loser, [shaking hands] sending my friends emails, begging for money. I really do not know when this became my life. VERONICA: Well, gambling is an addiction. KARL: You know? It is, Amber. Thank you for understanding. You're saving my life. Literally. Karl drops his backpack and sits down on the bench. Veronica follows suit. Wallace and Georgia continues to observe. GEORGIA: That's not him. But I think Karl had the same outfit. He even had the same ugly backpack. WALLACE: Stay right here. GEORGIA: Be careful, Wallace. Wallace beams at her and then walks around the Land Rover to the car Karl arrived in. He nonchalantly plants a tracking device on the rear bumper and then heads back to Georgia. Cut to the bench. VERONICA: So, just so we're clear, the deal is I give you $ 3000 this week and you give me $ 6000 next week? KARL: On my 21st birthday. That's the day my trust fund is unlocked. VERONICA: [Grabbing her purse] So who do I make the check out? KARL: I'm sorry. Did not I tell you that it had to be in cash? VERONICA: Did you? KARL: Remember? I can not find anything at the bank because they are frozen ... until my birthday. VERONICA: Okay, I'll- ... it must be the hair. [Simpers] Blonde. Should we meet back here tomorrow? KARL: Tomorrow. Same time? VERONICA: [Nodding her head] Perfect. Karl nods and bends down to retrieve his backpack. VERONICA: Karl? I can trust you, right? KARL: You can trust me, Amber. [Raises his right hand] Hand to God. Veronica simpers and smiles as Karl gets up and walks away. As soon as she is back, she drops the Amber persona, giving him a hard look. Cut to later. Karl exits his car, having parked in a street. He crosses the road, heading for a ramshackle looking building covered in graffiti. Veronica, tracker in hand, spots his car. Cut to her approaching the building, which is closer to the community, Circle Theater Company. The graffiti are posters. "Endgame" is on the bill. There is a small, glass-fronted display of the five players featuring Kevin Hand as Clove and Jimmy Spain aka Karl as Hamm. The three female cast members are not named. VERONICA VOICEOVER: And where do you go when they're done conning for the day? Veronica spots Jimmy Spain's photo. VERONICA VOICEOVER: To a funky Bohemian theater for an avant-garde staging of a Beckett play, naturally. Veronica tries to open the display but it is locked. She turns to the sound of a police siren as it goes past, then pulls the flower out of her hair. With the pin, she efficiently picks the lock. She opens the unit Jimmy's picture. Some of Jimmy's credits are typed on the back: "Lost In the Midst", Role of David (lead) - Summerland Theater Group, Neptune CA; "Aquarrena Commercial", Role of Salesman - 5 Mike Dam Productions, Neptune CA; "Twelfth Night", Chorus - Shakespeare Group, Neptune CA and "On Air", In - Slave Rat Productions Stand, Neptune, CA. Jimmy's details head the sheet (1536 Circle Heights, Neptune, CA 900800, 615-555-1078). Handwritten at the top of the list of roles is "Duped! Role of Karl - Recurring". VERONICA VOICEOVER: You ' Veronica smiles. Cut to outside the theater. It is night. Jimmy comes out of the theater to a few admiring fans, indulge in some love-ness and then spots Veronica sitting on the hat of her car. JIMMY: Hey, listen, I'll catch you guys later, okay? Hey, thanks man. He reaches Veronica who has slipped off the car. She is holding his picture. JIMMY: What are you doing here? VERONICA: I'm a huge Beckett fan. [Jimmy looks back at the theater] Hand to God! Veronica mimic's raised right hand Jimmy used as Karl from the bench. JIMMY: Wait a minute. This is part of the show, right? Naw, you're not gonna get me like that. [Looking around and shouting] T! Liam! You guys can come out, I'm not buying it. Veronica looks around. JIMMY: So ... is this part of the same episode or am I getting paid again? VERONICA: What are you talking about? JIMMY: "Duped!" VERONICA: [Looking at Jimmy's credits on the picture] What, you're telling me that "Duped!" is a show? JIMMY: Oh, I thought you were part of this. Yeah, it's one of those reality shows where people get duped into doing stupid things like giving some stranger their car or a bunch of money. VERONICA: There were no cameras! JIMMY: You're not supposed to see them, that ' s the whole point. Right? VERONICA: There's no show, Jimmy! JIMMY: Wh-wh-what are you talking about there's no show. I auditioned, I got cast! VERONICA: It's a scam. My friend, Georgia was duped about two weeks ago out of $ 6000 by some other trust fund Karl. JIMMY: N-no, no. VERONICA: How did you find out about this? JIMMY: [Gropes for his words] There was an ad in "Back Stage West". Open call but, you know, I'm between agents right now. They just called me today to tell me I got the job. VERONICA: Do you still have the number on your cell phone? JIMMY: Now wait. You're telling me there's no show? For real? This is not a dupe? Veronica shakes her head. Jimmy gets his cell out of the different, backpack he is carrying. JIMMY: [Handling the phone to Veronica] There it is. Veronica takes the phone, glances at the number and punches redial. JIMMY: Hey, what about my SAG points? Cut to day. Veronica and Wallace are at school, walking down the corridor. VERONICA: A pay phone that does not accept incoming calls. Shocker. From a place called Gameland. I guess it's a cybercafe but I'll check it out. WALLACE: Naw, it's not a cybercafe, it's a gaming club. It's like a bunch of computer nerds trying to blow each other up. Only girls they see in there are japanimated. So, you're not going to really blend. VERONICA: So I will not blend. Cut to the gaming club. Liamator, Snake_Bite, Coppertop, Grrrantula, Tedster, Psyris, Kon_Artist, Kelly and Kill_Zone. Veronica arrives wearing a boy wig and dressed like Sailor Moon (schoolgirl killer) from "Kill Bill". She draws a lot of attention. Veronica approaches the guy in charge and swaps her ID for an ear piece. VERONICA: Thanks. He watches her as she moves into the depths of the club. Various gaming cat is going on and a lot of the nerds are still watching her. She spots two guys sitting on a couch facing a screen, playing the game. She strikes out for them, plonking herself down on the couch between them. The one on her left, who will be revealed as Liam, is irritated her company but the lad on her right, who IMBd quotes as named Ted, is more impressed. They go with their game. LIAM: I have one word. Ownage. TED: I care LIAM: Aaaand, I just fried you again. Veronica watches on the screen. Screen names for the characters come up when they are targeted. (Possible continuity problem) - Tedster seems to be Jezebel on screen and Liam is not Liamator but Coppertop. TED: Ooohh. She smiles then turns to Ted. VERONICA: Can you watch my stuff? TED: Yeah. Veronica pulls a piece of paper from her bag then leaves it on the couch as she gets up. She walks behind the couch to where the names of people are listed on the screen. She looks at the paper. It is a copy of Georgia's email for the scammer, whose email address is karl@grrrantastic-tech.com. She compares it with the screen. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Grrrantula, a gamer. Email from grrrantastic-tech. Coincidentally, I think not. Veronica types "Gamegirl" into the new player login. VERONICA: Gamegirl. The screen admits her character and tells her to enter the game. She places the earpiece and walks back to the couch. She picks up a controller, takes a sweet offer by Ted and starts to play. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Now lets see if I can not get Grrrantula's attention. She fires at various characters until she finds Grrrantula. The boy in question, who is called Grant, looks around the room on being hit. LIAM: Stop killing your own team. Veronica keeps shooting at Grrrantula. GRANT: [Looking around again] Hey, cut the crap. Veronica has heard the voice but has not She keeps shooting. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Come on, loser. Show yourself. GRANT: Hey! I'm on your team, lamer! Veronica looks around but still has not identified him. VERONICA: [To Ted] Wow! I'm really bad at this. She keeps shooting Grrrantula. She gets him. VERONICA: [Jumping to her feet] Ownage! GRANT: [Getting to his feet, angry] Hey, it's not owned, I'm on your team! Veronica gets a good look at Grant. She plops herself back down again with a satisfied smile. Cut to a little later, Veronica going up to the counter. She hands back the earpiece. VERONICA: Devlin. The guy looks in the card index for an ID in the name of Devlin and can not find it. GUY: What was the first name? VERONICA: Here [grabbing the box], it'll be faster. She rummages through the guy is distracted by another customer. She finds the ID she used and Grant's and takes them both. VERONICA: It was hiding under the Q's. She leaves. Cut to a narrow college corridor. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Grrrant's ID shown in Lannigan Hall at San Diego State. A university known for its liberal arts, its picturesque campus and its parts. Veronica has picked a flyer for "Beer in Bremen Around the World Tonight Party" from off a notice board. Cut to Veronica's room. Her hair is plaited around her head and she is trying a pair of glasses on Wallace. WALLACE: It's not going to work. You can not take the cool out of me. [Poses] Look, pocket protector and I'm still full of pimp juice. VERONICA: [Taking the glasses off] Should not you be a little more dark for your poor scammed girlfriend? WALLACE: Now you know she's not my girlfriend so why are you trying to play it like that? VERONICA: Like what? Veronica places a different pair of glasses on Wallace. WALLACE: I like her or whatever. [Veronica is not satisfied and takes off again] Like we just got out of cheerleading practice. Guys do not do that. VERONICA: [Trying another pair on him] Okay. [Satisfied] Yeah. WALLACE: If a guy likes someone, he just likes her. He does not need to have a conversation about it VERONICA: [At the mirror] So you like her, but we ' WALLACE: Yes. VERONICA: [Smiles] Do you like her a lot? WALLACE: [Laughs] Yes, I like her a lot. Yes, I go two floors out of my way between classes so I can see her. Yes. I volunteer to reorganize the entire filing system of attendance, just so I can be in the same room with her. You happy? VERONICA: I still think you're a badass. WALLACE: And I am. And nobody's gonna buy me a nerd. VERONICA: You've already been bought. I called the resident advisor and I told him you were a prospective freshman. WALLACE: And they believe you because? VERONICA: Because I have a surprisingly convincing admissions assistant. Aim, tonight, you lucky boy, I'm all nerd hag. WALLACE: [Rubbing his hands together] Okay, let's get this party started because I am hungry for gratitude. Veronica goes to follow Wallace as he exits the room but turns back to get her cell. As she picks up from the table, she sees a picture of Lilly, hidden behind some other pictures. She picks it up to reveal that it includes Logan, Duncan and herself, and was taken to the Kane's the night of the limo party. She reminisces. Flashback to the limo. The music is Thievery Corporation's "All That We Perceive". At the end of the road, Logan and Veronica are sitting in the back set. Duncan sits on the seat of the limo, Lilly is just settling next to him with her champagne. The sunroof is open at the stars. LILLY: Okay, it's my turn? Logan. LOGAN: Truth. LILLY: What did you think of Veronica the first time you saw her. LOGAN: [Mumbling with embarrassment] I do not know, I thought she was hot. VERONICA: [Gasps] I was 12 when you moved here! LOGAN: Oh, and, like you were not working in your shorts and your kneesocks. VERONICA: That was my [punching him in the shoulder] soccer uniform! LOGAN: So, whatever! It totally worked! SONG: We feel endlessly Duncan and Lilly laugh. LOGAN: Okay, Lilly. LILLY: Dare. DUNCAN: [Snorts] Shocker. SONG: Beyond all gravity LOGAN: Okay, kiss someone in this limo. He spreads his hands. DUNCAN: [Snorts again] Come on, dude. SONG: Who are we, what we see [SCENE_BREAK] LOGAN: Come on. As she rises to the end of the limo, Logan readies himself to be kissed. DUNCAN: Here we go. SONG: I can not understand Lilly heads for him as he throws himself against Veronica to give Lilly lots of room. Veronica puts a hand on her eye Lilly goes to kiss Logan and he opens his mouth wide to receive. At the last minute, she swings over and kisses Veronica. Logan screams in delight. Veronica pushes her away, laughing. SONG: Who are we, what we see DUNCAN: Oh no! LOGAN: [Clapping] A little girl on a girl action in the limo. DUNCAN: Oh, man! Dude! That's my sister and my girlfriend. SONG: I can not understand LOGAN: Yeah, dude, like that's not in the rotation. Duncan reacts by shaking the bottle of champagne and spraying Logan. Lilly screams and scrunches close to Veronica to avoid the spray. LOGAN: Dude, this is my dad's tux. DUNCAN: Did not know man. [He shakes the bottle harder and sprays him some more] Here. LOGAN: [As he lunges for Duncan] I'm soaked! Logan chases Duncan out of the limo, which is parked at the beach. The chase continues, Duncan throws off his jacket Logan tries to tackle him. They wrestle in the sand. Veronica and Lilly, enjoying the show and laughing, sit back in the limo. VERONICA: Our boyfriends are all class. Lilly pats Veronica's hand as she regains her breath. LILLY: Yeah. Cut back to Veronica staring at the photograph. WALLACE: [From the door] Tick-tock! Very cute girl in need of our help right now. Veronica hurries to join Wallace. Cut to the party. Music: "Diverse City" by Toby Mac. People are dressed in various 'around the world' costumes and the party is spread through several rooms. The resident advisor, wearing sombrero, comes around the corner, Veronica and Wallace trailing after him. SONG: They call us Diverse City, we're colorful good It's like a freak show in your neighborhood So, if you wanna pray you can come on down Cause this freak show's leaving the ground RA: Yeah so, we're pretty chill around here. I mean, it's mostly, like, do not light stuff on fire, do not you get caught with drugs, you know? WALLACE: Cool. VERONICA: [Pointing to Grant] Hey, I think I know that guy. SONG: Up, up and away, baby we do not play, maybe you thought it was done for the day He said, she said, I said this, that you can not get away from your moment of bliss Stirring, we ' You shorts, tall ones, skinny ones, bigger, love is the gun and we pullin 'that trigger RA: Grant. Yeah, he's pretty famous around here. He's like a genius or something. Seeking over here [pointing at Liam]. They call them the Silicon Mafia. Basically, Cut to later at the party. MALE STUDENT: [Offscreen] This dude. Camera pans round to a small knot of people talking. It's Veronica and Wallace talking to a couple of students. MALE STUDENT: Got caught looking at Grant's laptop screen. FEMALE STUDENT: The next day in the history of probation ... Cut to Veronica and Wallace listening and then to Grant and Liam across the room talking quietly. FEMALE STUDENT: [Offscreen] ... because of his GPA dropped from a 3.8 to a 1.5. MALE STUDENT: [Offscreen] Overnight on the university computer system. FEMALE STUDENT: [Offscreen] And they have a security system ... Cut to the students. FEMALE STUDENT: ... like with laser beams. The other student laughs and takes a swig of his beer. Cut to Wallace listening. MALE STUDENT: [Offscreen] I think they're building robots or something. FEMALE STUDENT: [Offscreen] I felt the wall in the bed next to them and it was way hot. [Cut to her] Do you know how many grill lights? MALE STUDENT: The walls are so hot, it's because they have a million dollar bag of super computers. FEMALE STUDENT: That they bought with their weed money. The students wander off, leaving Veronica and Wallace. Cut to later, the RA's office. Veronica runs in. VERONICA: Um, it is okay for people to be shooting Roman Candles down the stairways. RA: Oohh, man. You know? The RA grabs something out of his desk, pushing it closed as he exits. Veronica slips her purse into the drawer to stop it. She lifts her leg behind her to stop the door closing as she finds the right keys. She runs out to the room. Cut to Wallace. He is seated in a chair, including Grant. GRANT: So, what do you plan in majoring in? WALLACE: [Uncertainly] Math. GRANT: Math, wow. So, what are you into? Accounts theory, PDEs, joint methods. What's your thing? WALLACE: I'm pretty interested in, ah, joint methods. GRANT: Hmm WALLACE: Right now. GRANT: For error estimation or neutrality? WALLACE: I know this is gonna sound kinda weird but ... I'm interested in both. There are grunts of approval from his audience. Cut to Veronica. She has a group of party-goers and a door to a quieter part of the hall. The music can be heard - Radio 4's "Party Crashers." SONG: The DJ is in from overseas He's breaking hearts, he's making beats Jimmy on the board SONG: Your hands are shaking as you hit the pavement Can not catch a break on 13th street She opens the door, on which are various warnings, with the keys she took from the RA's desk. The room is dark and immediately upon entry is an alarm keypad on the wall. The alarm is beeping. Veronica examines it. Cut to Grant's interrogation of Wallace. SONG: These days things seems strange GRANT: 'One can conjecture' or 'Fermat's last theorem'. Which better defines geometry in three dimensional space? SONG: These days things seems strange These days things seem strange Wallace looks uncomfortably out of his depth. Back in the dorm room, Veronica has failed to stop the alarm going off. SONG: They're taking over we think it over Grant abruptly checks his cell, as it sounds. Veronica goes further into the dorm room. Liam enters. LIAM: What the hell are you doing? Liam gets up close to Veronica. In the meantime, Adam races out of the party. Cut to Liam escorting Veronica by her arm out of the room, into the hall. VERONICA: [Playing drunk and dumb] They told me this was Sri Lanka. I wanted a coconut toddy. GRANT: Entering the hallway of the party What's hell going on? LIAM: We had an intruder. GRANT: How did you open the door? VERONICA: [Shrugs] I do not know, I just opened it. GRANT: It's impossible, it's always locked. Veronica shrugs again as Liam spots and takes down Jimmy's picture from the book board. LIAM: Grant. Liam holds the picture out for Grant to see. VERONICA VOICEOVER: And the real way the Silicon Mafia finances their empire comes clear. Veronica sees Wallace enter the hallway. She groans and slides along the wall towards him. WALLACE: Hey! VERONICA: I do not feel so good, Papa bear. Wallace supports her as she pretends to heave and they exit, leaving Grant and Liam staring after them. Wallace and Veronica Stumble and Almost Falling One Another, Veronica still leaning on him. Once clear, she drops the act. WALLACE: Papa bear. VERONICA: Never happened. Cut to day. Veronica and Wallace enter the school. WALLACE: My first college party. Drinking Pina Cola with a dude and talking about math. VERONICA: They're gotta be hiding something. I mean, an-an alarm that sends a message to your cell phone? What's wrong with a deadbolt? Wallace falls back to gaze lovingly at Georgia who is at her locker. VERONICA: Wow! You've got it bad. WALLACE: Nothing bad about this my friend. Wallace heads over to Georgia. Veronica watches fondly for a moment and then goes on her way. Cut to the journalism classroom, empty except for Logan who is sitting at the central table, looking at a PC screen. He has a video in his hand. There is a movie playing on the screen with some music. Veronica is passing by in the hall. A voice drifts out of the movie Logan is constructing. LILLY: [Offscreen] Mom, if you do not put the camera down, I will not go out there. Veronica recognizes Lilly's voice, stops and goes into the classroom. Logan is watching the screen and making notes. He glances over and sees Veronica and returns to his notes. Veronica slowly walks closer, eyes fixed on the screen. Lilly, maybe two, with her arm on a couch which is a year old, flipping the page of a book in her bed, her doll next to her. Logan glances back and sees Veronica is still there. He returns to his notes. LOGAN: What part of my ignorance do you think you're welcome? VERONICA: What are you doing? LOGAN: Assembling the world's most memorial video boring. He snorts in derision then picks up the videos. LOGAN: Ballet, ... Cut to the computer screen. Lilly, now about six, is riding a horse or pony. She has a cowboy hat on her head. LOGAN: [Offscreen] ... choir recital, beginner crap ... Cut back to Logan and Veronica. LOGAN: ... girl scouts. [Sighs heavily] Memories both misty and water-colored. Logan makes to set the videos down but jerks his wrist to fling them down instead. On the screen, Lilly aged about six drives to Lego because, then Lilly aged about eight sings against a sparkling and colorful backdrop. VERONICA: It's Lilly as a long-distance commercial. LOGAN: Well, it's not really about Lilly, is it. [Watches, then with a laugh] God, this would piss her off. As Veronica watches, she remembers. LILLY: [Offscreen] Come on, Veronica, it's your turn. Do not blade out. Flashback to the beach of the limo party. Duncan who has the bottle. Logan is carrying the camcorder. VERONICA: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I've never ... As Veronica thinks, holding up her glass, Logan takes a swig of champagne and spits it into the water. He turns and walks backwards to watch. VERONICA: ... gone skinny dipping. The others express their surprise all at once. LOGAN: Oh, I ... LILLY: Oooo ... DUNCAN: [Laughs] What? Logan and Lilly take swigs. Duncan raises the bottle to his lips. LILLY: That's just unacceptable. We're having something to do, Veronica Mars. LOGAN: Oh, oh okay. [Holding up the camcorder to record the reaction] I've never taken matters into my own hands in the boys' locker room after watching the cheerleader tryouts. Duncan and Veronica both freeze at this and the party comes to a stop. Veronica gasps as Duncan stares at his best friend. DUNCAN: Dude, you are so dead. Logan and Lilly laugh as Veronica is open-mouthed. LILLY: How pervy, Duncan! I am a little impressed though. LOGAN: You must drink, comrade. Duncan signs heavily then raises the bottle to his lips. Logan is giggling. Veronica puts a hand on his arm as he does. VERONICA: Wait! Please tell me that we were before we started dating. Logan's giggle turns into laughter. DUNCAN: Of course. [Desperately getting on to something else] I've never, um, I've-I've never seen my parents my parents having s*x. Lilly drinks. Everyone gasps. DUNCAN: No way. Duncan is horrified, Logan laughs and Lilly nods. LILLY: Yeah. DUNCAN: No way. LILLY: I Went Into Their room ... DUNCAN: No ... LILLY: ... to borrow Mom's black sweater, DUNCAN: ... Shhh, LILLY: Mom Was on top of Dad ... DUNCAN: I want you to shut up ... Duncan goes to put a hand over Lilly's mouth. LILLY: ... Hold on a second [something] ... Instead he puts his hands over his eyes. DUNCAN: Oh my god, I do not want to see this. Lilly: Laughing, Veronica says that Logan ought to be a movie Duncan by pointing at Duncan. Logan's laughing too much to keep steady. DUNCAN: Oh my god. LILLY: ... she was like this ... Duncan is peeping out through his fingers. LILLY: [Mimicking her mother, passionless] Oh, oh, [raising a hand to her moth to stifle to yawn] oh. DUNCAN: Lilly, that's so wrong. LILLY: I promised, but I think Dad probably thought so too. I've got one. I, um, have never had s*x. LOGAN: Ooh. DUNCAN: Huh? VERONICA: [Confused] Wait, what does that mean? LOGAN: This is a drink, if you are a virgin. [SCENE_BREAK] Veronica stands still, giggles and drinks. Logan laughs evilly. Duncan shakes his head. DUNCAN: What the hell. He raises the bottle and drinks to the whoops of his sister and Logan. LILLY: Whoa, Duncan! I'm shocked. VERONICA: You are so cool. Veronica leans up, puts her arms around her neck and kisses Duncan. LOGAN: Oh, so cool, man ... Logan and Lilly laugh then join in a group as Veronica and Duncan continue to kiss, Logan filming throughout. LOGAN: [Mockingly] I love you, I love you, I ... The kiss breaks off and they all laugh. LILLY: Oh yeah ... LOGAN: Yeah. Logan stretches his arm up to capture an overhead of the four of them. DUNCAN: [In Veronica's ear] ... you're my girlfriend. Happy time. Veronica is back in the classroom. She turns and walks away, leaving Logan at the screen. She looks back at her and the screen. She seems to have and idea and goes. Cut to Keith and Veronica. KEITH: I do not think this really is a good quality time. VERONICA: I've never loved you more. Keith puts on the jacket he is carrying. It is a DEA jacket. VERONICA: It's a good cause. These guys are ripped off a friend at school. And there's a World's Great Dad trophy in your future. Keith grabs Backup's lead. He carries on as Veronica halts outside. Keith gives his backwards wave as he heads to the campus. Cut to Keith and Backup being escorted to Grant and Liam's room by the RA. KEITH: We were flying with the heat seeking cameras. Came across some high intensity discharge lamps. Looks like someone's cultivating a little MaryJ. Keith bangs on the door. Liam answers. Keith shows a badge. KEITH: Mind if I come in? Keith does not wait for a response. He walks in with Backup. Grant gets up from his desk in the room. GRANT: What's going on? KEITH: What's your name, his? GRANT: Grant. [Off Keith waiting for more] Winters. KEITH: [Looking around] Any drugs on the premises, Mr Winters? GRANT: Caffeine. Keith sighs heavily and stares at him. GRANT: No sir. KEITH: Are you sure about that [grabs a flesh], seedlings, seeds, any cannabis seedlings of any kind? As he talks, he stands on the chair to inspect a high shelf above a bed. LIAM: [Firmly] No. Keith continues his inspection in plants. GRANT: [Offscreen] Look, we do not have any drugs, okay? LIAM: [Offscreen] And do not you need a warrant? KEITH: [Getting down] What do I need a warrant for? There's nothing here. [As he leaves the room, quietly to Backup] Come on. He walks out of the room without a glance back. Cut to Veronica in the outside area of ​​the campus. She is listening to Grant and Liam via the bug. LIAM: [Offscreen] Why did you let him in? GRANT: [Offscreen] You're the one who let him in. And why was not the alarm on? It's supposed to be even when we're here. Some time passes and Veronica continues to listen. LIAM: [Offscreen] I'm heading to the snack bar. GRANT: [Offscreen] Set the alarm. Veronica hears the tones as the alarm is set. She picks up her cell and duplicates the sound, writing down the number: 0227. Cut to later, same location. Veronica is now the only person in the area. Her cell rings. She sees who it is and answers. VERONICA: [Flirty] Yeah? [Pause] Oh my god! [She looks at her watch] I'll be right there. She hurriedly packs up her things. Cut to the Mars' apartment. Troy is sat bolt upright on the edge of the couch as Keith takes his seat in the armchair. KEITH: So. Veronica tells me, um ... well, she did not tell me anything about you. TROY: Well, I do not know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. KEITH: Neither do I. Keith stares for a moment then laughs. Troy follows. TROY: Well, if you have any questions, you know, you want a list of references or anything ... KEITH: So you're going to the homecoming dance. TROY: Oh yes, sir, if that's okay with you. KEITH: Of course. And after the dance? TROY: Why-I think that, uh, Veronica said right now, so ... KEITH: Yeah, good. And you're gonna stay for the whole dance, I mean, you're not going to go to a party? TROY: No, you-ah, I mean ... the whole point of going to the dance [laughs] is to go to the dance. KEITH: Good. So you will not mind that I canceled your reservation at the Four Seasons? Troy is stunned. Keith smiles benignly with steel in his eyes. Veronica arrives. VERONICA: [Closing the door] I'm here, I'm here. So. Who's ready for mini-golf? Troy and Keith look at each other. Keith grabs Troy on the shoulder and pats him. Troy is not comfortable. Veronica is starting to pick up the vibe when we cut to Grant and Liam's room. The phone rings. LIAM: Hello. VOICE ON TELEPHONE: Hi, Winters Winters, this is admission calling. Liam takes the phone from his ear and holds it to his chest. LIAM: Grant. Someone from admissions wants to talk to you. Grant takes the phone. GRANT: Grant Winters. VOICE ON TELEPHONE: Bill Smith, Admissions. Are you free Thursday night? GRANT: Sorry, we're really interested in showing some provo around campus. Cut to Keith in his office. KEITH: Oh, that's a shame. We wanted to land this student before MIT snatched him up. Veronica is in the office and makes a note on the post-it and passes it along the desk. KEITH: And he asked for you and your crew specifically. VERONICA: [Whispers, appalled] Crew? Keith gives her his 'I'm cool' gesture. Cut back to Grant. GRANT: Yeah, I'm sure he did not. Sorry, but- Cut back to Keith. KEITH: We're providing you with a new game, you're heard of it. [Taking his cue from Veronica who's mouths at him] It's the Matrix online game. Cut to Grant, who is impressed. GRANT: Really? Cut to Keith and Veronica, satisfied that the bait is taken. Cut to Logan, in front of the computer screen again. Lilly a 6-7 year old is frozen on the screen. VERONICA: [Offscreen] How's it going? Veronica comes into the room. LOGAN: It's very "Wonder Years". Cut to the picture of Lilly. She has a rimmed crown and cloak on. LOGAN: [Offscreen] Celeste will love it. Back on Veronica, she comes into her bag. VERONICA: So ... [sits next to Logan], I was going through some of my stuff and I found this. She pulls out a small mini-cassette. It is marked "Fun With Lilly". LOGAN: What is it? VERONICA: It's not a violin recital. Logan looks at it and then at Veronica. There is, perhaps, a moment of understanding. He considers it for a moment then looks back at the screen. LOGAN: I've got a lot of work to do. VERONICA: Yeah. No, me too. Logan nods and Veronica leaves. Cut to Wallace walking along with Grant and Liam. Wallace is texting on his phone as he walks. GRANT: Dude, we're gonna see the new Matrix online game, we're finally gonna see it. LIAM: Did you see the video with their effects, man, Visi-tinjun is killer. Grant Wallace records using his phone. GRANT: What are you doing? WALLACE: Just text messaging my girlfriend, tell her how psyched I am. Cut to Veronica, sitting on a low wall. Her cell rings and she gets Wallace's "All clear" message. Cut to Veronica entering Grant and Liam's room. She uses the code to turn off the alarm. She shuts the door. VERONICA VOICEOVER: In the past 24 hours of surveillance, this is what I've learned. The so-called Silicon Mafia has made a game that will make "Quake" look like "Asteroids". They've raised their start-up capital by swindling needy and greedy college and high school students using a variation of the Nigerian scam. With no investors, they stand to make millions. Unless, somehow, somebody rides them up the way. During the voiceover, Veronica has found that the processors are in locked cages. Veronica ends her voiceover getting out of bolt cutters. Cut to Veronica taking apart the processors and taking the hard drives. Wallace texts to find out how she's doing. She is back that she is almost done. She affixes an envelope to Grant's computer screen, picks up her bag and heads for the door. She remembers the bug and comes back into the room to collect it. She grabs a flesh, reaches up and feels for it. While there, she is still moving along the wall at the confluence with the ceiling. As she comes down from the flesh, her eyes follow the wires to a closet. On the closet, she finds another computer. VERONICA: Wow. It is enclosed in a much more secure, in a safe, than the ones she has already dealt with. It is also padlocked. VERONICA: I really hate these guys. Cut to Veronica opening a small fridge in the room. It is full of cans of drink. She grabs one and goes back to the computer backup, sitting before it and pondering. Cut to Grant, Liam, and Wallace arriving at Gameland. The place is deserted, with only a person sweeping up. LIAM: What the hell? WALLACE: Wow. I can not believe there's no party. I feel so duped. Grant and Liam 's phone alarms go off. They grab their phones from their pockets. GRANT: What the hell? LIAM: It's the alarm on the backup drives. They look at each other and then race out of the club, ignoring Wallace. Wallace is taking off his specs and smiles. Cut to Grant and Liam hurrying back to their room. LIAM: I set the room alarm. GRANT: Then why did not it go off? You can not get to the backups without getting into the room. LIAM: Oh, the backups are fine. Nobody's getting into that safe. Cut to them arriving at the room. Liam comes in behind him. LIAM: What the hell? The camera pulls back into the room to reveal the sabotaged computers on the desk. GRANT: Oh my god. LIAM: The backup drives. Liam runs back to the closet to check. He opens the sliding door. Grant spots the envelope and grabs it. He looks back at Liam to ascertain the fate of the backups and walks to where Liam is crouched down, opening the safe. It is full of a drink and a funnel has been fitted to an opening. Liam lets his eyes trail down. There is a drink leaking out of the bottom of the computer. Grant opens the envelope. GRANT: [Reading] Hey buddy, I was hoping you could ... help me. Cut to the park where Veronica / Amber puts Jimmy / Karl. It's night. Veronica, Georgia and Wallace are waiting. GRANT: [Offscreen, continuing to read] I'm coming into my trust fund next week and if you give me $ 7600 tomorrow night, I'll give you your hard drives back. As he reads, he and Liam are heading towards the group. VERONICA: Hello boys, let me guess what you're thinking. Paybacks are a bitch. GRANT: [As Liam hands the money to Veronica] Yeah, something like that. Veronica starts to count the money. VERONICA: Well, [handing the money to Wallace] here, you're the math whiz. GRANT: It's all there. GEORGIA: Like we trust you. WALLACE: Yeah, I think that's all of it. VERONICA: Our commission's included? WALLACE: Yeope. VERONICA: Ownage. GRANT: Can we have our backup drives now? VERONICA: You need to lay off the caffeine, Grrrant. 'Cause you're downright testy. Your backups are in the garbage can, next to the bench. GEORGIA: Yeah, you might have to dig a little. Liam and Grant turn and head for the garbage can. Wallace, Georgia and Veronica head back towards her car. GEORGIA: This just does not seem fair. I keep thinking about all the people who have been scammed and how they do not have kickass friends. [She laughs] VERONICA: Did you know there's an anti-fraud agency in the FBI? I guess it's a big deal. And I was shocked to see how interested they were in the information I had on Liam and Grant. WALLACE: Game over. Veronica Walks on a Wallace stops to give Georgia her money. Liam and Grant can be seen in the background, still searching the garbage can. Wallace turns to Veronica when Georgia grabs his face and kisses him. Veronica looks back and smiles. LIAM: I got one, I got one. GRANT: You got one? Veronica gets to her car. As she pulls out her keys to a flyer comes with them. Veronica looks at it. It says: The Kane Family invites you to the dedication of the Lilly Kane Memorial Fountain. This sends Veronica into a flashback. The limo pulls up at the Kane residence. It is daylight. Keith's Sheriff's Department is Keith, Jake and Celeste can be seen in the distance. Inside the limo, Lilly is running on the side. Logan is lying with his head in her lap. She is pouring drink into her open mouth. He chokes and laughs as she laughs. On the back seat, Duncan is cradling Veronica in his lap. Her eyes are closed. Duncan looks out the window. DUNCAN: Oh my god. They called the cops. Veronica raises her head, then her body to look through the window. The Kanes and Keith head towards the limo. VERONICA: They called my dad. Lilly has made her way through the window. LILLY: This is like, [with conviction] the best dance ever. Logan laughs. The limo pulls to a stop and Duncan gets out first followed by Lilly. Lilly has one shoe in her hand, giving her a limp. She is beaming. She heads for Keith. LILLY: What seems to be the problem, officer? CELESTE: Lilly. Celeste does a 'come to me' with her index finger. She goes. Duncan and Veronica exchange a look. CELESTE: Are you drunk? LILLY: Not so much anymore. Lilly laughs, Veronica looks sheepishly at Keith. CELESTE: [Furious] You are absolutely unbelievable. Why do you insist on humiliating me? LILLY: Um, two kids, both out and getting screamed at? CELESTE: 'Cause I know you, Lilly. Anything has changed, you've been at the root of it. DUNCAN: Mom! It's my fault, it was my idea. JAKE: You listen, both of you. Inside the house. Come on. Lilly throws her father to defiant and turns back to where Logan, is bending over. He rises as she reaches him. She grabs his head and gives him a hard, long kiss. Logan glances at the Kanes. Celeste spins rounds and heads for the house, Jake waits for her to finish. Lilly then heads for the house and Jake gives a sigh. VERONICA: Sorry, Dad. KEITH: We'll talk at home. [Calling out behind him] Jake, Celeste. Thanks for the coffee. Jake half turns and acknowledges. Duncan turns and gives Veronica a smile and a wave. She smiles back as Keith and Logan head for Keith's car. Jake stands to watch his goal Jake pulls him into the house. Present day Veronica, stares a little longer at the flyer then puts it down. Cut to the dedication service. An octet is playing "Wind Beneath My Wings". A number of people are gathered, holding candles. We have a small section, the Kanes are sitting with a few others and there is a large photo of Lilly above them. The Lilly Kane, Always Remembered. Veronica is among the crowd, taking photographs. Logan is also in the crowd, head down but he looks up when he spots her. The music ends. Celeste takes the stage. CELESTE: Thank you to the Neptune High Orchestra. I know if Lilly were here, she would have been moved by that rendition. Lilly really loved this place. [Cut to Logan Who returns to looking at His Feet] So it's only fitting [Duncan looks shellshocked on the stage] That as long as this fountain remains here, [Jake Even More so] a share of Lilly will always be here. And you, her peers will always be Reminded what a generous, kind, [Wallace is in the crowd With His arm around Georgia] sweet girl She Was and how she embodied [Veronica Sees Troy And They smile] Pirate pride and the school motto, service, loyalty, honor. Celeste looks behind her at Duncan. He rises from his seat, as does his father. Duncan walks over a rope. It drops to reveal a fountain. Celeste triggers a remote control and the water trickles down. The crowd claps politely. Veronica takes another picture and Duncan heads back to his parents. Logan point the remote to start the video. A classical-like guitar piece accompanies pictures of young Lilly Logan had earlier - standing by the couch, in bed with her book and doll, one not seen from her nodding to the camera aged about six. Celeste is more than happy with this representation of her daughter. Lilly on the pony or horse in her red cowboy hat. Duncan swallows hard. Lilly in the Lego because, Lilly singing. Veronica watches with a smile. Logan watches then looks down again. Now there is some more recent footage. Lilly running up close to the lens, looking at 14-15. Jake and Duncan are affected, Celeste just looks proud of the impression being made. Unexpectedly, the electric guitar gives way to the hammering of an electric guitar. Jake looks at Celeste and Logan looks up impishly. Celeste is not happy as the video moves onto Veronica's footage for the night of the limo party. The camcorder has caught Lilly close up in the back seat. LILLY: Hello America! You wanted Lilly. You got her. Veronica's eyes are well with unshed tears. LILLY: Now sit back and enjoy the ride. As the music kicks in, the video moves to predominantly Lilly 's, but also Veronica' s chests as they dance in the back seat. The crowd starts to react positively and some laugh Logan. Lilly pops the champagne and goes into a glass held out. Wallace and Georgia raise their own glasses to her. Celeste is really unhappy. Duncan can not suppress a grin. Back to the video, Lilly sticks as Logan claps. Veronica, at the dedication, laughs at the memory. Troy lets out an appreciative "Yeah". Lilly dancing, Lilly dancing, then Lilly dancing, on the back seat. The next shot is of Lilly swigging from a champagne bottle. Jake lets out a laugh and grins. There is a couple shots of the 12-15 year old showing her biceps and jumping out of a tree. Celeste now looks deeply embarrassed. Lilly kisses has a Logan supine. The crowd roar Logan all but blushes. Celeste is clearly angry. On the video, Lilly is on the beach, a bottle in one hand, a glass in the other, running towards the camera. This is a cut with a head of the open sunroof of the moving limo. Jake is laughing freely now Duncan smiling. Jake puts a hand to his mouth. The video ends with Lilly 's hair flying as he looks down on the limo and addresses the camcorder. Celeste is clearly angry. On the video, Lilly is on the beach, a bottle in one hand, a glass in the other, running towards the camera. This is a cut with a head of the open sunroof of the moving limo. Jake is laughing freely now Duncan smiling. Jake puts a hand to his mouth. The video ends with Lilly 's hair flying as he looks down on the limo and addresses the camcorder. Celeste is clearly angry. On the video, Lilly is on the beach, a bottle in one hand, a glass in the other, running towards the camera. This is a cut with a head of the open sunroof of the moving limo. Jake is laughing freely now Duncan smiling. Jake puts a hand to his mouth. The video ends with Lilly 's hair flying as he looks down on the limo and addresses the camcorder. LILLY: You love me do not you? Jake starts to sob and Duncan comforts him. The crowd cheers. The screen goes black. Logan looks over at Veronica. She smiles at him and he smiles back at her. The crowd starts to disperse. Amongst the crowd are Weevil and, behind him, Felix. FELIX: [To Weevil's back] Hey, weev, let's hit it. [We're getting no response] Weevil! Weevil turns and looks up at Felix. His face is wet. WEEVIL: Yeah, yeah. [Wiping his face with his hands] Let's ride man, Let's go, the night's young. Weevil pushes Felix on and, after one look back, follows him. Cut to a Wallace and Georgia sitting in the back seat of a limo. Wallace puts his arms around Georgia and she smiles. Along the side seat Veronica, in a strapless red dress, and Troy. Veronica spots something outside. VERONICA: Do you mind if we make a stop? Veronica looks round at the others. VERONICA: There's something I need to do. TROY: Well, I do not think that's a good idea, we should probably go right to the dance, right. I told you your dad ... Veronica just smiles and takes off her shoes. The limo stops at the beach. Veronica jumps out then turns back to Troy, who is just moving to join her. VERONICA: You have to stay here. Troy falls back in his seat, confused. Veronica turns and heads for the water. Wallace joins Troy on his seat. Troy looks at Wallace. Wallace holds up a hand. WALLACE: Do not ask me, man. Stopped trying to figure her out day one. Veronica gets to the water. She reaches back to unzip the dress. She drops the dress and walks then does a standing dive into the water. She comes up for air, turns towards the shore and laughs. End.

Plan: A: Veronica; Q: Who helps Georgia after she is cheated out of $6,000? A: Georgia; Q: Who is Wallace's new girlfriend? A: a Nigerian scam; Q: What kind of scam was Georgia a victim of? A: the students' technology-heavy security system; Q: What do Veronica and her friends defeat? A: Logan; Q: Who assembles a video memorial of Lilly? A: Logan's compilation; Q: What is well received by the students at the dedication of Lilly's fountain? A: the Neptune High grounds; Q: Where is the dedication of Lilly's fountain? Summary: Veronica helps Wallace's new girlfriend, Georgia, after she is cheated out of $6,000 by a couple of college students running a Nigerian scam . Veronica and her friends defeat the students' technology-heavy security system and hold their data hostage to force the return of Georgia's money. Logan assembles what is supposed to be a serious video memorial of Lilly, but includes some wilder footage Veronica provided. Logan's compilation is well received by the students at the dedication of Lilly's fountain on the Neptune High grounds.

MEREDITH: In the OR, time loses all meaning. In the midst of sutures and saving lives, the clock ceases to matter. 15 minutes. 15 hours. Inside the OR, the best surgeons make time fly. Outside the OR however, time takes pleasure in kicking our asses. For even the strongest of us, it seems to play tricks. Slowing down, hovering...until it freezes, leaving us stuck in a moment, unable to move in one direction or the other. ALEX (through the door of the bathroom, to Izzie lying on the floor, unresponsive): Izzie. Izzie come on! GEORGE: Okay, she's been in there all night. We have to do something. ALEX: Yeah. MEREDITH: Yeah. CHRISTINA: Yeah. MEREDITH: Why are you all looking at me? CHRISTINA: Well this is familiar territory to you. MEREDITH: There is nothing familiar about this. Unfamiliar. Denny died. The man she loves died. CHRISTINA: Yeah, but you're all dark and twisty inside. MEREDITH: "Dark and twisty?" CHRISTINA: The mother with the Altzheimers thing, and the father that you don't talk to. ALEX: The tequila thing, and the inappropriate men thing... GEORGE: You are dark and twisty inside Meredith, and now Izzie is dark and twisty inside. MEREDITH: So now all the sudden I'm the president of people with crappy lives? GEORGE: Seriously we have to do something. Someone has to go in there. (We see Izzie, still unresponsive and staring into space, still lying on the floor in her prom dress.) Richard (voice over): The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. Look around you. Say hello to your competition. (Izzie sits up and stares at the slowly opening door.) (Flashback to the mixer.) IZZIE (introducing herself to Alex): Hi. Izzie Stephens. Washington. ALEX: Alex Karev, Iowa. IZZIE: This is nice, right? They threw a mixer for the new interns? ALEX: Yeah. It's just an excuse to get us all happy and drunk before they torture us (The camera moves around the room, spotlighting various interns.) ALEX: What program are you in? IZZIE: Surgery. ALEX: Seriously? IZZIE: Seriously. What? ALEX: I- I picked you for gynie or PEDS or something. IZZIE: You don't think I can be a surgeon? I can be a surgeon. ALEX: Surgery's hard core. IZZIE: I'm hard core. ALEX: You won't last the first year, babe. (Back to Izzie in the bathroom. George has come in, and is lying in front of her.) GEORGE: Izzie. IZZIE: What? GEORGE: Maybe you should change your clothes. Maybe you'd want to wear something more comfortable. IZZIE: Stop it. GEORGE: I know. Izzie... IZZIE: Stop it, I mean it. Stop talking. There is nothing to talk about. Do you understand me? There is nothing to discuss. GEORGE: I'm so sorry. IZZIE: Yeah, me too. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back at Seattle Grace.) MORGUE GUY: So you're a surgeon? BAILEY: Yes. MORGUE GUY: Usually they don't send a surgeon for this. BAILEY: What do we need to... How do I... How do we do this? MORGUE GUY: You just gotta ID the body before I take him to the funeral home. So I don't take the wrong guy. BAILEY: That happens? MORGUE GUY: You wouldn't believe how many times I take the wrong guy. (Denny's body inside a body bag is wheeled out on a stretcher. Bailey checks that it's him.) BAILEY: That's him. That's Denny Duquette. MORGUE GUY: Great, let's load him up. And sign here (to bailey) BAILEY: When's the funeral? MORGUE GUY: No funeral. The family asked to have the body sent to Memphis. (As they go to take Denny away.) BAILEY: Wait. Wait, wait. (She talks to Denny through the plastic.) BAILEY: I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back at Meredith's house. Meredith is making sandwiches as Christina sits on the counter.) CHRISTINA: Why are we making sandwiches again? MEREDITH: It's what you do when someone dies. You cook. CHRISTINA: Yeah. I know what to do when someone dies. I am a jew. I know food and death. It's Shivah MEREDITH: Is it Shivah even if she's Catholic? CHRISTINA: Well Shivah's what I know how to do. So yeah. It's Shivah. And if we're sitting Shivah for Denny, then we should order in cause making sandwiches is not the same as cooking. MEREDITH: Sandwiches are comfort food. CHRISTINA: What's wrong with you? MEREDITH: Everything with me is fine. It's Izzie we're worried about. CHRISTINA: What did you do? MEREDITH: Denny died. Burke got shot. Let's just have some perspective and remember that what is a tiny slightly small... CHRISTINA: Whatever spit it out. MEREDITH: I lost my panties last night. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the trailer, where Addison is doing Laundry. She pulls a pair of black panties out of the drier, folds them and seals them in a ziplock baggie, which she throws in her purse.) (Back at the hospital.) Derek sits on the stairs, his head in his hands. CHIEF: Back already? DEREK: I never left. I did a craniotomy on a ruptured saccular aneurism. CHIEF: I've been here all night too. I wanted to see the autopsy on Duquette. DEREK: Yeah. You seen Meredith? (corrects himself) Dr. Grey. Have you seen Dr. Grey? CHIEF: Why? What's going on with you? DEREK: Could you get someone to cover my rounds for me so I can take care of some stuff? BAILEY: Are you free Dr. Shepherd? There's an incoming head trauma, and the pit's overcrowded with early flu season. DOCTOR: Giselle Toussant. 42-year-old-woman. Unrestrained driver of a car that hit the railing. Ejected from the car. OMAR: We were coming to the ER. We were both sick. We couldn't shake this flu thing. She was better so I let her drive. GISELLE: Omar? (referring to her husband) OMAR: Giselle? Honey? GISELLE: Oh where are we? Oh yeah. are we dancing? OMAR: We had an accident. DEREK: We have a dural laceration. She's leaking spinal fluid. Let's get an OR ready, ok? GISELLE: The dancing's so beautiful. OMAR: You're beautiful (He begins coughing.) GEORGE: He's burning up. DEREK: Somebody get him bed! Let's get her up to the OR right away. [SCENE_BREAK] (Down in the pit.) Paramedics bring in a baby, and Alex responds ALEX: What's going on? PARAMEDIC: Premature newborn found in a trashcan at Turner prep school. The Umbilical cord's still attached. ALEX: You didn't start an IV. He's dehydrated. PARAMEDIC: Couldn't find a vein. ALEX: I need to get IV access. Get me an I.O. needle and I need a neonatal intubation kit. Olivia go MOVE! OLIVIA: They pulled me from the floor. I'm just down here helping with the flu overflow. Alex how old is that baby? (Alex grabs the baby and starts at a run for anywhere that's not covered in flu germs.) OLIVIA: Wait, wait what are you doing? ALEX: If you think I'm going to leave this sick premature infant in the OR... OLIVIA: He has to be admitted. You can't just take him... ALEX: Just page Addison Shepherd. Tell her to meet me in the NICU. [SCENE_BREAK] ADDISON: Karev? ALEX: Premature newborn with Petechia. ADDISON: What's his platelet count? ALEX: 17,000. ADDISON: 17,000? Did you transfuse platelets? ALEX: Yes but it didn't help. ADDISON: Where's the mother? ALEX: I don't know. ADDISON: Dr. Karev, I'm not asking you where the mother is for my health. I expect you to use your brain. Where is the mother? ALEX: I don't know. The baby was found in a trash can at a high school. ADDISON: They left him in a trash can? ALEX: He's got some inner abdominal bleeding on the CT. You wanna run some more tests? Dr. Shepherd? ADDISON: I need a stat ultrasound and for you to infuse 2 grams of IVIG if there is no cranial bleeding. And find out where the mother is, I need to test for maternal platelet antibodies. ALEX: Can't you just do surgery to fix the abdominal bleeding? ADDISON: If I wanted to kill him, I could do that...Damn it. Who does this? OLIVIA: Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd? There's some people here... about the baby. GEORGE: The clot's been evacuated, are we ready to close? DEREK: I just want to make sure there are no remaining bone fragments GEORGE: As well as can be expected. DEREK: It' never gets easier, you know...losing patient. A little less shocking I guess, but it never gets any easier. GEORGE: Izzie was in love with him. Denny wasn't just a patient. They were in love. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back at Meredith's house.) CHRISTINA: You had s*x with Derek in an exam room at the prom? MEREDITH: Yes. CHRISTINA: Last night, you and Shepherd did it? MEREDITH: Yes. CHRISTINA: You and McDreamy did the nasty-nasty? MEREDITH: Christina! CHRISTINA: I'm not judging. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around it. I mean you're with Finn. He's with Addison. MEREDITH: He's married to Addison. CHRISTINA: Yeah. Well what did Derek say? MEREDITH: He said "Meredith, what does this mean?" CHRISTINA: Ok, he has s*x with you and he's standing there all McGuilty and all he can say for himself is "what does this mean?" What does this mean? MEREDITH: I don't know. CHRISTINA: Are you going to go back to Finn? Is Shepherd leaving his wife? MEREDITH: I just... Meredith has a flashback to being on a Carosel at about the age of 5, her mother is screaming her name from the sidewalk. Ellis is talking to Chief. ELLIS: Richard you were to tell Adele... RICHARD: I can't... ELLIS: I was to tell Thatcher. That is what we said They continue to argue, and Ellis pleads Richard not to leave her, but he does. He's gone back to Adele. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to the present day. In Chief's office.) CHIEF: You didn't have to make an appointment to see me! I'm your husband ADELE: An appointment seemed to be the best way to get your undivided attention, because here you are. CHIEF: Adele I... ADELE: Sit down. We have an appointment. BAILEY: Chief the IDC is here we had a couple come in this morning. Derek just finished a craniotomy on the wife, but the husband, he's got severe flu symptoms, swollen lymph nodes, buboes. Turns out they came in contact with the plague? CHIEF: The plague? I'm sorry Adele I need to deal with this. [SCENE_BREAK] (Addison walks in on four teenage girls and their parents, who are bickering.) SHANNON'S MOTHER: Shannon gets straight A's. MAN: So what my daughter gets a B in math and suddenly she's birthing babies in toilet stalls? ADDISON: I'm Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. I've been treating the newborn. He has an emergent blood condition. And I need to know whose baby it is I'm dealing with. WOMAN: We'd all like to know that. Sarah, talk. SARAH: I don't know anything about any baby, mom. OTHER GIRL: None of us do. ADDISON: well one of you must know something, otherwise you wouldn't be here. A MOTHER: Look, Our girls...the principal said they were the last people in the bathroom before the baby was found. So we just thought, before the police show up... FATHER: One of you knows and you better confess. I don't want my Lisa messed up in this. ANOTHER MOTHER: The police will be here soon.Can't you just do some sort of DNA test so the rest of us can get out of here? ADDISON: DNA results take days and frankly I'm not concerned with the rest of you "out of here" If this baby isn't treated, he's going to die. Now I can do vaginal exams on each of the girls... A MOTHER: My daughter is 14 years old. She's not sexually active. And I won't have you violating her body. FATHER: you won't have it cause you know it's your kid. Listen you have my consent to do whatever it takes to prove my Lisa's innocence. A MOTHER: You are a sick b*st*rd, you know that? ADDISON: A child's life is in jeopardy here. And it's not your consent that I need. GIRL 1: We didn't do anything wrong. GIRL 2: Yeah just cause we were in there doesn't mean it's our baby. GIRL 3: Do we look like the kind of girls who get pregnant and throw their kids in the trash? [SCENE_BREAK] DEREK (in the locker room) Nice work today O'Malley. Hey did meredith go home with Izzy? GEORGE: Yeah Christina too, I'm headed there now. DEREK: yeah, me too. GEORGE: Oh great, it's just that...I don't know if Izzie's up for a lot of people. DEREK: Well I'm gonna go see Meredith. (He goes to open the door and a man in a sealed white suit greets him.) MAN: Mr. Shepherd? Dr. O'Malley? I'm with the IDC is anyone else in this room? DEREK: No MAN: You performed the Surgery on Mrs. Toussant? DEREK: Yes. MAN: She and her husband were in close contact with a victim of the plague. She may have been exposed. DEREK: Which means we may have been... MAN: Yes. DEREK: I gotta go. I can't do this. MAN: We're waiting on the diagnosis on Mrs. Toussant. This room will be sealed off until we know the threat has been contained, and you're absolutely safe. GEORGE: You're not saying that... MAN: You can't leave. You're two are quarantined. [SCENE_BREAK] BAILEY: I got this under control if you need to get back to your wife RICHARD: No, no. I should check in with the IDC rep. I have to stay on top of my hospital. Keep me posted. OMAR: Hello? I need help please. I know you can hear me. I see you standing out there in your giant white space suit. (Omar is in quarantine as well. A guard stands at his door.) BAILEY: Sir? OMAR: yes! MAN IN SUIT: No unauthorized personnel beyond this point, ma'am. IDC regulations. BAILEY: Look I know he is under quarantine, but he's also a patient. And I will not ignore a patient. OMAR: Hello out there. Thank God you can hear me. How's my wife? BAILEY: My name is Dr. Bailey, Miranda Bailey. You're wife is out of surgery, she's quarantined in recovery but she's doning fine, now you were asking for help? OMAR: You know how many days I been in here? BAILEY: It's only been a few hours. OMAR: Really? I'm losing it. I'm losing track of time. BAILEY: Ok sir, you're sweating. I need you to sit down, get back in the bed. OMAR: Well what about my wife? Can you find out about Giselle? BAILEY: Like I said sir, she came out of surgery just fine, but I can check on her status again. You just stay calm until I get back. OMAR: Wait! Don't go please. Just...just stay a minute. BAILEY: Okay, I'm staying. OMAR: Omar. Call me Omar. BAILEY: Okay, Omar. I'm right here. [SCENE_BREAK] (Meredith answers the door.) CALLIE: I brought food. MEREDITH: George isn't here CALLIE: I know. He's in a quarantine cause of the thing. And I was worried about him and off duty and going crazy and then I though about Izzie, so I brought food. MEREDITH: For the Shivah? CALLIE: Are you going to let me in. MEREDITH: Yeah. CALLIE: Relax, I'm not going to bring it up. You and McDremamy and the s*x. I'm not that person. MEREDITH: Good. CALLIE: Okay. Is it Shivah if Izzie's Catholic? CHRISTINA: This thing that you're doing, Izzie, it's not healthy. I mean, you gotta take off that dress. IZZIE: Tell me about Shivah. CHRISTINA: It's something you do when someone dies. We did it for my grandmother. IZZIE: How does it work? CHRISTINA: People bring over food. Family comes over. It's supposed to help with the grieving. Honors the dead. IZZIE: Sounds nice. CHRISTINA: Yeah, seven days of no leather shoes, no work, no s*x, no sitting on things higher than foot, no shaving, no... IZZIE: What? CHRISTINA: No clean clothes. Izzie this doesn't have to be Shivah. IZZIE: You know they took his body away. I will never see him again. How would you feel if you never saw burke again? So we're sitting Shivah for Denny. [SCENE_BREAK] ALEX: You want to see him? GIRL: Who? ALEX: The baby. Your baby. GIRL 2: It's not our baby FATHER: I've given you permission to do this, so what's the hang up? ADDISON: The "hang up" sir, is if you're daughter doesn't want to do it, I can't force her. MOTHER: They're 14. They're minors. We still have a say. CHIEF: No you don't. If someone doesn't want to submit to a vaginal exam they don't have to. It's the law. FATHER: Alright, that's it. I'm taking Lisa home. CHIEF: You do that sir, and I will have you arrested before you hit the parking lot. ADDISON: The law isn't the only thing in play here. If I do the vaginal exam and the girl's a virgin, there could be bleeding undue trauma, not to mention emotional stress. MOTHER: Well if I had to take a guess as to who's kid won't have to worry about that... MOTHER 2: What's that supposed to mean? MOTHER: It'd just be nice if Karen had a curfew. MOTHER 2: Oh at least she's not a shoplifter. MOTHER: Oh Shannon stole one lipstick when she was 9. Get over it. FATHER: I know for a fact that my lisa is a virgin. MOTHER: And how do you know that? FATHER: Because she's only 14 years old! MOTHER: They're all 14. [SCENE_BREAK] (Addison's flashback to when she and Derek were still in New York. She is distraught, Derek severe. He's found out about her affair with Mark.) ADDISON: Derek... listen to me. Derek, you can't do this. we have to... (He's carrying her stuff away, not listening to her.) ADDISON: We have to talk about this. You have to give me a chance to Exlpain. DEREK: No I don't. ADDISON: What are you doing? Derek what are you doing with my clothes!? It was one time. I know that's what people say, I know that's what always gets said, but it... I don't even know how it happened, I don't know what I was thinking. He was just here! DEREK: You screw my best friend and that's all you can say-he was just here? (He throws Addison's clothes out into the street, it's pouring down rain.) DEREK: Get out. ADDISON: No. DEREK: Get out ADDISON: No I'm not going. We're going to talk about this. DEREK: Get out of my house! ADDISON: We're going to discuss this now. I'm holding my ground. We don't quit! DEREK: Get out! ADDISON: What are you doing? (Derek pulls her up off her cowering place on the stairs and shoves her out the front door, the closes it, locking her out.) ADDISON: Please... Please... Derek Please... (He opens the door and lets her in.) ADDISON: I'm sorry... I'm sorry. You have to give me a chance... you have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am... DEREK: Okay... ADDISON: Okay? DEREK: I'm gonna go, you stay. I'll get my clothes in the morning. ADDISON: No, no, no... We can survive this. Derek, we can survive this. We're Addison and Derek. DEREK: I look at you and I feel nauseous. We're not Derek and Addison any more. ADDISON: If you go now... If you go now we're not going to get through this. If you go now, we don't have a chance... we don't have a chance. (Derek turns and walks out of the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Back to the flashback of the mixer. Christina is circling around Burke, who is giggling with a woman, sitting on a couch.) CHRISTINA: Hi. You're... are you Preston Burke? BURKE: Uh... yeah. CHRISTINA: The Preston Burke. Dr. Burke I am such a huge fan. That Stentless valve replacement for infectious endocarditis you performed? And your use of transmyocardial revascularization? I- I'm Christina Yang. If I could just get the chance to study under you I would be...you are so amazing! BURKE: Yes well... thank you... (George is talking to Meredith, who is staring over his shoulder at Dr. Webber, not trying to be rude but, just not interested.) GEORGE: I mean one of my choices was San Diego. I could have gone to San Diego. But Seattle's home, so... So you're new to Seattle? MEREDITH: No...I kind of live here. My mother lived here... lives here... and I live in her house. GEORGE: That's great, cause housing is a nightmare. I'm living with my parents at home, which sucks. (She walks away.) Oh it was nice meeting you! [SCENE_BREAK] ( Back to the locker room.) GEORGE: We've been exposed to the plague. DEREK: They don't know it's the plague. GEORGE: So the men in the white suits? Just, what, making a fashion statement? DEREK: No it's a precaution. When the blood work comes back we'll be out of here. GEORGE: What if the blood results come back and it's the plague? What if we get the plague? Do we die in here with the crappy benches, and the dirty scrubs and the lockers full of food DEREK: There's food in the lockers? (Derek searches the lockers.) GEORGE: Dr. Shepherd, those are people's personal... that's Alex's apple. (Derek bites into it.) That's just rude. ADDISON: Safe haven laws - all those girls would have had to do was to drop that baby off at a fire station, or a hospital. Now... it's a mess CHIEF: What are our options here? ADDISON: Blood typing. We take a sample from each of the girls. The baby's blood type is double O. If the girls are A or B it means the baby's not theirs. CHIEF: Do it. [SCENE_BREAK] MEREDITH: Everyone thinks I'll know what to say to her. I don't know what to say to her. Dark and twisty Meredith. I'm not dark and twisty. And if I am dark and twisty, it's because I live my life under a banner of avoidance. I avoid. I'm an avoider. FINN: Hello? MEREDITH: Hey. FINN: Hey. So can we...uh? MEREDITH: Izzie. I gotta go check on Izzie. CALLIE: Don't take it personally. It's the doctor thing FINN: What? CALLIE: Four years of high school, four years of college, four years of med school...by the time we gradtuate we're in our late 20's..and we've never done anything except go to school, think about science. Time stops. We're socially retarded. I mean, look at me... I'm in love with a guy that won't say he loves me back, and here I am in his kitchen cooking just hoping that he comes home and notices me. I'm a total freak. I'm that girl in the back of the class who eats her hair. Meredith...she's 17 years old. We're all 17 years old. It's high school with sclapels Finn. MEREDITH: I don't know what to say to you. IZZIE: When Dylan died, when the bomb went off... did you feel like... MEREDITH: What? IZZIE: Like you were moving in slow motion? MEREDITH: He was there and then he wasn't. Like I blinked and he was gone. IZZIE: I feel like I'm moving in slow motion... like I'm moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast. I just wanna go back to when things were normal. When I wasn't "poor Izzie lying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress with her... her dead fiancé." But I am. so I can't. And I'm... just stuck. And there's all this pressure cause everyone's hovering around me, waiting for me to do something, or say something or flip out or yell or cry some more... and I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person. I don't know who this person is. MEREDITH: Izzie IZZIE: How did this happen? How did we end up here? Why am I alone? Where's Denny? MEREDITH: You're not alone Iz. [SCENE_BREAK] DEREK: Trail mix and warm soda. Who puts warm soda in their locker? GEORGE: As usual Christina's to lazy to stock her locker with food. DEREK: Oh here, I hit the motherload. Look at this. Granola, Cookies, Muffins...who eats this much? GEORGE: Oh that's Izzie's locker. She ate a lot. Said it kept her energy up. DEREK: Eats GEORGE: What? DEREK: Eats. You said Ate. Eats is present tense. She didn't die. GEORGE: She feels like she did. She's never coming back here. You know...I don't think she's ever going to be the same. DEREK: You know there are moments O'Malley. Where all of a sudden in a split second and your life changes forever. Before you know it, you're somewhere else. CHIEF: Gentlemen. GEORGE: Chief! Can we please get out of here now? CHIEF: No. DEREK: A split second. [SCENE_BREAK] (Flashback to when Derek met Meredith at Joe's.) JOE: Straight Tequila? Really? You are going to be sorry in the morning. MEREDITH: I'm always sorry in the morning. But tomorrow I start my first day at work, so keep them coming. DEREK: (to Joe) How you doing? Double scotch, single malt please. (to Meredith) So is this a good place to hang out? MEREDITH: I wouldn't know, I've never been here before. DEREK: Oh well you know what, I haven't either. First time in town. I'm new in town. First time in Seattle. I got a job so... Ah you're ignoring me. MEREDITH: I'm trying to. DEREK: You shouldn't ignore me. MEREDITH: Why not? DEREK: Because I'm someone you need to get to know to love. MEREDITH: So if I know you, I'll love you? DEREK: Oh yes. MEREDITH: You really like yourself, huh? DEREK: Just hiding my pain. So what's your story? MEREDITH: I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar. DEREK: I'm just a guy in a bar. [SCENE_BREAK] ALEX: How do you not know your kid's pregnant? ADDISON: You love your kids. You want to see the best in them. ALEX: Well then how do you have a baby and throw it in a trash can? ADDISON: Something happens. You panic.You freeze, and you hide it and pretend like it didn't happen I get that. ALEX: You get that? ADDISON: I do. I just don't get what come afterward. I don't get how you go back to class and pretend everything's fine. Everything is not fine. A Doctor hands Alex a piece of paper. Alex. It's the blook results. Karen and Lisa are not a match. ADDISON: And then there were two. [SCENE_BREAK] OMAR: Miranda... I'm feeling better. A lot better. I think the fever broke...that's good right? BAILEY: That's very good Omar. OMAR: How's Giselle, is she asking for me? BAILEY: Omar, for Giselle, being exposed to the plague, it complicated things. OMAR: What things? BAILEY: We did everything we could. OMAR: No. No. BAILEY: I'm so sorry Omar. OMAR: No... no... no... no. BAILEY: Omar. Come on breathe. (Bailey rips at the quarantine tape on the door, but is stopped by the white suit man.) BAILEY: Stop that! He's hyperventilating, I have to go in there. MAN: You can't go in there. BAILEY: Somebody has to go in! [SCENE_BREAK] BAILEY: Omar! Can you hear me? OMAR: I need my wife, I need Giselle! Let me out! Let me out of here! BAILEY: Look! Omar, Look at me! I need you to put your hands against my hands. Come on. OMAR: My beautiful Giselle BAILEY: Look at my hands. Put your hands on my hands. Good. Okay. Look at me! Can you tell me my name? Do you remember my name? OMAR: Miranda BAILEY: Miranda. That's right OMAR: I want Giselle. I have to save her. Please let me out of here. BAILEY: I wish I could help you, I wish I could turn back the clock and make it yesterday. You don't know how much I wish that. But... I can't turn back time. OMAR: She was sick, I should have taken over. BAILEY: I know. Come on...I know. I should have taken over too. But we can't go back. Look even if I let you out of here, you can't help Giselle now. OMAR: Do you believe in God Miranda? Do you believe in the afterlife? BAILEY: I have to believe Omar. What I do, I have to believe. That when our time come, we go to a place... a beautiful place... a better place... Omar... [SCENE_BREAK] GEORGE: That woman died. She actually died. Is it hot in here? DEREK: No GEORGE: Than why am I sweating? DEREK: Cause you're pacing. GEORGE: My pulse is rapid. DEREK: Cause you're still pacing. GEORGE: Feel me. DEREK: I'm not going to feel you. GEORGE: Seriously. DEREK: Seriously, no GEORGE: You're an ass. You've lived. You've done things. And you have the hair, and the hot wife. And the beautiful ex-mistress who's pining for you. DEREK: She's pining for me? GEORGE: My point is...you've lived. If you die who cares? But if I die, what? This is it? Callie told me she loved me and I just sat there. I mean I wasn't ready. But now I'm going to die and note even get a chance to say I love you back. DEREK: Do you? Do you love her? GEORGE: Maybe... eventually... I could. Maybe... one day... soonish. DEREK: Soonish? I will love you soonish? GEORGE: You ever tell Meredith? You ever tell her that you love her? DEREK: No. GEORGE: I did. I...I'm with Callie. It's different. DEREK: You should tell her. Even if it's soonish. You should tell her before it's too late GEORGE: You mean before I die of the plague? DEREK: Before somebody else comes along. [SCENE_BREAK] CALLIE: That I believe... Oh... uh (as Meredith walks in on her talking to Finn) I'm gonna... leave the room for a period of time for no reason whatsoever. FINN: I don't know what happened last night... between you and Derek ... MEREDITH: Finn... FINN: We never said that we were exclusive. MEREDITH: But you have plans. FINN: Well I didn't say I wasn't pissed off. I said we weren't exclusive. That's all I wanted to say. Oh and this...I know you think you're scary and damaged. MEREDITH: Dark and twisty. FINN: It makes you feel like you don't deserve good things. But you do. And Derek...he's bad for you. But me...I'm a good thing. And if there's a race...if there is a ring...my hat is in...(he leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] ADELE: I made an appointment for a reason. I scheduled the time because I had something important to say and you made me wait. RICHARD: I have a situation Adele ADELE: I've spent my life waiting. Waiting for you to finish med school, waiting for you to come home at night. Waiting for you to leave that woman. I'm done waiting. RICHARD: Adele... ADELE: It's time for you to make a choice: me or this hospital. It's time for you to retire richard. [SCENE_BREAK] (Addison talks to the two remaining candidates for the little boy's mother.) ADDISON: There he is. That's your son. I wan't you both to look at him. Because it's not true you did nothing wrong. You both are wrong. You're wrong for covering this up, you're wrong for lying about it. You're wrong for letting this little baby, this sweet, innocent little boy suffer like this. He's dying and it's your fault. It's both of your faults. Anf the thing is, the truth will come out. In time it will always come out, it always does...it just does. And when it does, this baby will be dead. GIRL: Shannon... SHANNON: Don't tell my mom okay? ADDISON: Thank you. Thank you for telling the truth. [SCENE_BREAK] GEORGE: You really don't feel anything? DEREK: I feel like I've been here very long time. I feel it might be too late. GEORGE: too late for what? IDC GUY: Thanks for your patience and cooperation doctors. You'll have to go on a course of antibiotics, but the threat has been contained. DEREK: Good. GEORGE: What? IDC guy: You're free to go. [SCENE_BREAK] ADDISON: Poor little guy. The minute he's okay we have to turn him over to a mother who's going to juvie and grandparents who were so clueless they didn't even realize their daughter was even pregnant. Imagine the kind of childhood he's going to have. ALEX: You can get over a bad childhood. You can have the worst crap in the world happen to you and you can get over it. all you have to do is survive. [SCENE_BREAK] GEORGE: Hello? CALLIE: Oh My God... I was so worried. GEORGE: I'm fine... I'm fine CALLIE: I was really worried. GEORGE: Yeah, well me too. CALLIE: George, I really love you. (He kisses her.) DEREK: Hi MEREDITH: hi. DEREK: I was going to come over this morning but uh- MEREDITH: I heard, the quarantine. DEREK: Yeah. MEREDITH: So what does this mean? DEREK: It means you have a choice. You hve a choice to make. I don't want to rush you into making a decision before you're ready. This morning I was going to come over, and I was going to say- what I wanted to say was...now all I can say is that I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for...ever. I'm a little late. I know I'm a little late telling you that. But I just want you to take your time...you know. Take all the time you need...cause you have a choice to make. And when I had a choice to make, I chose wrong. All right. Good night. MEREDITH: Time flies ADELE: You're not going to retire, are you? CHIEF: Adele you spring this on me today...I need more time. ADELE: I don't have any more time to give. MEREDITH: Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. (Addison pin's Meredith's panties to the bulletin board.) BURKE: Where have you been all day? CHRISTINA: Sitting Shivah for Denny. (She crawls into his hospital bed and lies her head on his chest.) CHRISTINA: How are you? [SCENE_BREAK] BURKE: How are you? (Christina begins to cry.) CHRISTINA: Don't ever die... BURKE: I'll do my best. MEREDITH: All any of us wants is more time (Back to the flashback of the mixer when everyone is leaving.) (George says goodnight to an indifferent Meredith. Alex has Olivia on his arm.) Izzie (to George) Isn't this so cool. I mean tomorrow we're going to surgeons. (Back to Izzie on the floor. She grabs Meredith's arm and stands up.) MEREDITH: Time to stand up... time to grow up. Time to let go. IZZIE: I'm ready MEREDITH: Okay. (Meredith helps Izzie take off her prom dress.) MEREDITH: Time...

Plan: A: Seattle Grace Hospital; Q: What hospital do the interns work at? A: Denny Duquette; Q: Who was Izzie's fiancé? A: the internship program; Q: What does Izzie quit? A: Meredith; Q: Who is uncertain about the future after having sex with Derek? A: Addison; Q: Who finds Meredith's panties in Derek's tux pocket? A: a marriage; Q: What does Derek have with Addison? A: eleven years; Q: How long were Derek and Addison married? A: his office; Q: Where does Webber spend the night? A: Webber; Q: Who is confronted by his wife? A: Adele; Q: Who gives Webber an ultimatum? A: Loretta Devine; Q: Who played Webber's wife? A: a newborn baby; Q: What do Addison and Alex treat? A: four minors; Q: How many minors could be the mother of the abandoned baby? A: George; Q: Who seeks relationship advice from Derek? A: her husband's life; Q: Bailey gets attached to a patient in isolation whose wife dies, and relives the moments when what was threatened? Summary: The interns of Seattle Grace Hospital help Izzie cope with the loss of her fiancé, Denny Duquette as well as her decision to quit the internship program. Meredith is uncertain what the future holds after she has sex with Derek and whether he is willing to leave Addison after a marriage of eleven years. Addison finds Meredith's panties in Derek's tux pocket, and realizes that he slept with Meredith. After spending the night in his office, Webber is confronted by his wife, Adele ( Loretta Devine ). She gives him an ultimatum, forcing him to decide between his career and his marriage. Addison and Alex treat a newborn baby who was found abandoned in a trash can, and they are faced with four minors who could be the mother. George seeks relationship advice from Derek after they are forced to stay under quarantine in the locker room, when Derek confesses his feeling towards Meredith. Bailey gets attached to a patient in isolation whose wife dies, and relives the moments when her husband's life was threatened.

[EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. MESA VALLEY PARK - DAY] (The park is bustling with children playing. In the center of the green grass near the pathways, Karen Matthews pulls out items from the large wicker picnic basket open near her. She's packing up, covering a juice bottle and tucking it into the picnic basket.) (She turns and looks over at the jungle gym set, a small smile on her face. Her smile disappears when she can't locate her son, Jesse.) (She quickly stands up and takes several steps, looking around the area for her son, Jesse.) Karen Matthews: Jesse? Jesse? (She doesn't see him. She looks around the area, her voice getting louder.) Karen Matthews: Jesse ... Jesse, can you hear me? Jesse, please! (She looks around.) Karen Matthews: (shouts) Jesse!! FADE TO WHITE: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MESA VALLEY PARK - DAY] (Grissom and Warrick walk with Brass, who fills them in as they head toward the park. Brass holds out a small photo of a small dark-haired little boy.) Brass: Jesse Matthews, six years old. (Grissom grabs the photo from Brass and looks at it.) Grissom: Is this an old photo? Brass: Yeah, it's the only one the mom had. She said one minute, he's on the swing, the next minute he's gone. Grissom: Abduction. Brass: Well, the search radius is over a mile -- no sign of the boy. Warrick: What about the father? Brass: The father is, um ... Army Sergeant, uh ... (He looks at his notes.) ... Dwight Matthews. Killed in Afghanistan four years ago. Grissom: Any other family members? Grandparents? Boyfriends? (An officer gives Karen Matthews a cup of something to drink.) Brass: No, her parents are dead and her husband's parents -- she lost communication with them since he died. (They walk up to Karen Matthews.) Brass: Mrs. Matthews ... this is Gil Grissom and Warrick Brown from the Crime Lab. Karen Matthews: I, uh ... I never bring Jesse to the park. But this afternoon, the backyard just couldn't hold him, so we came here and ... uh ... he was on the swings; I couldn't even get him off, and then I look around and he's gone; he's just ... Brass: Mrs. Matthews, there's really nothing more you can do here. Why don't you let us give you a ride home? (She turns and looks at Grissom.) Karen Matthews: I'm not leaving. (She looks at Brass.) Not without Jesse. (She gets up, turns and walks away from them. Grissom looks down at the little boy's photo.) Warrick: I called the team. (Warrick looks at the photo.) Warrick: They always look so vulnerable. Grissom: They are. CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MESA VALLEY PARK - SAND BOX -- DAY] (Greg and Sara are in the sand box area. Greg is looking at the sand while Sara is dusting the jungle gym pipes.) Greg: It's like trying to get an ID on swimmers from ripples in the pool. How about you? (Sara looks at the prints.) Sara: Lots of little fingers ... and some big ones. Greg: Helping hands? (Sara heads back to her kit as Greg snaps photos of shoe prints in the sand.) (In the background, we see Nick arrive and head toward the swimming pool area. He walks through the wire gate and looks at the nearly empty pool.) (Carrying his camera, Warrick is headed toward the restrooms. In the background, we see Brass showing Jesse's photo to a housekeeper.) Brass: Here, ma'am. Look at this picture. Do you remember this boy? It's not a recent photo. (The housekeeper looks at the photo and sighs apologetically. She gives the picture back to Brass.) Housekeeper: I had my hands full. I don't take my eyes off him ever. (She nods toward the little boy holding her hand.) Brass: Sure. I understand. Housekeeper: But there was this man near the swings -- he kept looking around like he was waiting for something. Brass: What'd he look like? Housekeeper: He was a white guy, blue baseball cap ... that's all I remember. Brass: Did he seem interested in one of the kids? Housekeeper: Yeah. A boy. Could be that boy. (She looks at the photo again and shakes her head as she gives the photo back to Brass.) Mm ... it's hard to tell. Brass: Okay ... thank you. Thank you very much. Housekeeper: You're welcome. (Brass turns and looks over at Karen Matthews standing near an officer.) (Brass walks over to her.) Brass: Mrs. Matthews ... (She turns and looks at Brass.) I know this is difficult for you, but I have to ask you again -- do you remember seeing anyone hanging around near the swings? Anyone. Maybe, maybe a man in a blue baseball cap? (Quick flashback to: [SWINGS] A little boy is swinging on the swings. Standing and watching him nearby is a man wearing a blue baseball cap.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Karen Matthews: Yes. Brass: Can you describe him? Karen Matthews: He was white ... Brass: (prompts) ... white ... Karen Matthews: Uh ... just under six feet, I think. Brass: Six feet. Great. Karen Matthews: Jeans. (Quick flashback to: [SWINGS] The man wearing the baseball cap heads over to the little boy riding the swings.) (Flash to: The swing seat is empty.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (She looks at Brass.) Karen Matthews: Did he take Jesse? Brass: We don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MESA VALLEY PARK - PARKING LOT -- DAY --- CONTINUOUS] (Nick walks through the parking look, looking at the cars in the stalls. He stops in front of the car and checks under the car.) (He stands up and sees Kelly Gordon standing just a couple cars away from him. She's startled that he's noticed her. She quickly turns and leaves.) (Nick looks around.) [EXT. MESA VALLEY PARK - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (An officer's car pulls up and parks. Grissom sees the car. He turns and talks with Karen Matthews.) Grissom: Our K-9 officers are going to need something that Jesse's worn recently. Karen Matthews: Uh ... his jacket. It's in the car. I'll get it for you. (Karen turns and walks out of camera frame. In the background, two officers lead two K-9 dogs out of the car.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [EXT. MESA VALLEY PARK - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The officers let the dogs smell a red jacket.) Officer: Okay, man. All right? Seek! (The dogs start to search the playground area as Grissom, Karen Matthews and the other officers watch. The dogs weave in and out through the various apparatus, searching for a scent.) Officer: Let's go! Come on! (The dogs turn to the side of the playground area and head toward the fence as everyone watches.) (The dogs turn and head back toward Grissom, Karen Matthews and the other officers. Grissom takes his sunglasses off.) (The dogs complete the circle and stop in front of Karen Matthews, jumping on her.) (A dog barks.) Karen Matthews: Whoa! Whoa! What are they doing? Grissom: Pull the dogs back, please. (The officers pull the dogs back.) Officer: Heel! (Grissom reaches for the red jacket the officer is holding.) Grissom: Can I see this jacket? (He looks at the jacket that appears barely worn.) Grissom: (to Karen) Has Jesse ever worn this? Karen Matthews: I just bought it for him. He's been growing so fast. I'm sorry, I ... Grissom: That's okay; we'll get something from your house. (She nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MESA VALLEY PARK - PUBLIC BATHROOMS (STOCK) -- DAY] [INT. MESA VALLEY PARK - PUBLIC BATHROOMS -- DAY] (Warrick uses his flashlight to look around the dingy, dirty public bathroom. He shines the light on the bathroom floor and finds what appears to be blood spatter. He opens the stall door and looks around.) (He finds part of the toilet tissue roll holder on the floor, its end stained red with blood. He snaps photos of it and continues looking at the stall.) (Grissom walks into the bathroom.) Warrick: What do you make of this? (Grissom walks up to the stall door and looks inside.) Warrick: Possible struggle ... that could've been used as a weapon. (He shines his flashlight on the bloodied roll holder.) The blood drops could be castoff. (Behind the toilet bowl, Warrick finds a little boy's white underwear. He picks it up and looks at it.) Warrick: Maybe the poor kid had to pee while his mom was in the car. (Quick flashback to: [STALL] The door opens and the little boy steps inside to pee into the toilet. We hear him unzip his pants but before he does anything else, a man steps into the stall behind him and picks the little boy up. The boy screams.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) [EXT. MESA VALLEY PARK - PUBLIC BATHROOMS -- DAY] (Grissom and Warrick walk away from the bathrooms and head toward Mrs. Matthews, talking with an officer.) Warrick: Mrs. Matthews, I need you to take a look at something. Do you recognize these? (Warrick shows her the white underwear in an evidence bag. She looks at it and gasps, her mouth moving as she struggles to find the words.) Karen Matthews: They're ... (Suddenly, she retches, covers her mouth and takes a few steps backward as she collapses on the seat behind her.) FLASH TO: [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] (Police sirens wail in the background.) [INT. MATTHEWS' RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (Catherine walks across the street. Greg grabs his bag and slams the car door shut. He turns and joins her as they head toward the Matthews' residence.) (Greg hands Catherine her kit as they meet up with Brass, who is waiting out front for them.) Catherine: Mrs. Matthews inside? Brass: Yeah. Every mother's worst nightmare. (Catherine turns and looks inside the house through the open front door.) Brass: (continues) I checked her answering machine: No calls. Catherine: Well, I'll get a DNA exemplar for Jesse and let her get some sleep. Brass: She won't sleep. (to Greg) Okay, Greg, let's do a little legwork, what do you say? You take this side of the street; I'll take the other -- find out if anybody's seen anything suspicious. [INT. MATTHEWS' RESIDENCE - FOYER / LIVING ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Catherine enters the house. The living room is littered with toys, clothes and other evidence of a child living there.) (Catherine turns and notices the framed photos on the wall. On the foyer table are more framed family photos of Jesse with Karen and her husband.) (Catherine picks up a recent photo of Jesse in an orange-striped shirt.) Catherine: Mrs. Matthews? (Catherine looks around. She sees Mrs. Matthews standing in the next room, looking out the window and lost in her thoughts. Catherine steps into the next room.) Catherine: Mrs. Matthews? (Karen puts down the toy she's carrying and turns around. She quickly makes herself busy and tries to tidy the table.) Catherine: I'm Catherine Willows from the Crime Lab. Karen Matthews: Sorry about the mess. Catherine: It's okay. Karen Matthews: Jesse was so full of energy this morning. He didn't give me time to clean up. Catherine: I understand. (Catherine shows Karen Matthews the photo of Jesse in the orange shirt.) Catherine: This photo ... is it recent? Karen Matthews: Uh, yeah, that's, uh, that's from last month. Catherine: If it's all right with you, I'd like to borrow it. I'll get it to Nevada Child Search, and they can get it out to the media. Karen Matthews: Sure. Catherine: Thank you. (Catherine looks around the living room and notices the finger painting pictures hanging on the wall.) Karen Matthews: Jesse's home-schooled. We do art together ... music ... everything. (Catherine leans forward and notices the penciled lines on the side wall with indications of Jesse's height and age: 6 years - 36 1/2 " 5 years - 34 " 50 months 4 years - 31 1/3" (Karen smiles.) Karen Matthews: Do you have children? Catherine: I have a daughter. Thirteen. Catherine: "Thirty-six and a half inches." I'll add it to the physical description. And, Mrs. Matthews, our K-9 unit will need something with Jesse's scent. Karen Matthews: Oh, right, right. Um ... maybe ... maybe his stuffed dinosaur? He holds it while he's sleeping. Catherine: That'll work. And I will need something with his DNA: A toothbrush, hairbrush, pillowcase ... Karen Matthews: Why do you need that? Catherine: Well, if we locate anything that could lead us to him, we want to make sure we've got the right boy. Karen Matthews: Well, I'll get those things for you. (Karen turns and leaves the room.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [INT. MATTHEWS' RESIDENCE - GARAGE -- NIGHT] (As Catherine steps out into the garage, Officer Ackers pulls up driving Karen Matthews' vehicle. He parks and gets out of the car.) Catherine: Hi. Officer Ackers: Hey. Captain Brass asked me to drive the lady's car home. Catherine: Oh ... okay. Yeah, I'll let her know. (He gives her the keys.) Officer Ackers: Thanks. Catherine: Mm-hmm. (He turns and leaves.) (Catherine takes a moment and looks around the garage. She notices wrapped birthday presents stacked on the wall shelf. One of the labels reads: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSE! LOVE, GRANDMA & GRANDPA (The next package she looks at is a Christmas present with the label: TO: JESSE FROM: GRANDPA & GRANDMA (Catherine is surprised by the discovery.) [EXT. MATTHEWS RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (Greg interviews Karen Matthews' next door neighbor, Ken McCracken. Ken is carrying is dog in his arms.) Ken McCracken: Since her husband died, kid's toys always laying around. I'm always tossing balls over my fence back into her yard. They keep to themselves, which is fine by me. Greg: Sir, have you seen any suspicious cars in the neighborhood, or strangers? Ken McCracken: I work all day and I don't spend my nights looking at the neighbors, okay? Greg: Well, what about the weekends? (The dog snarls at Greg.) Greg: Aggressive little pooch. Ken McCracken: Oh, she's my sweetie. (Ken buries his face in his dog's fur as he croons to his pet. Greg swallows, a little freaked by the man's behavior with his dog. The dog licks Ken's face as he continues to croon.) Ken McCracken: Who's my good girl? Queenie's my good girl. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. (He stops and looks at Greg.) Interesting how things work out. Greg: What do you mean? Ken McCracken: Her kid getting killed. This is Queenie. My last dog, Princess ... Princess died, and she did it. Greg: Karen Matthews? Ken McCracken: Four years ago. I found Princess hanging off the back fence. Supposed to look like it was an accident, like she got caught on collar and choked. Greg: Did you see her do that? Ken McCracken: No, but I knew. See, Princess used to bark through the fence at her kid. She just wanted to play. (Ken kisses his dog.) If you ask me, you know what? The kid liked it, but Karen she just went off the deep end. Greg: Mr. McCracken, who told you her son was killed? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MATTHEWS' RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT ] (Camera opens on the framed family photos hanging on the wall. Catherine turns and heads into the little boy's bedroom. There are dinosaur toys on the shelf and a plastic cage with two pet hamsters.) (Catherine leans forward and taps the side of the cage. Karen walks in.) Catherine: Who takes care of the hamsters? Karen Matthews: Jesse. When he remembers. Which is as about as often as he remembers to brush his teeth. (She shows Catherine the toothbrush. Catherine opens a plastic bag and holds it out for Karen to put the toothbrush in.) Catherine: Mrs. Matthews, has Jesse ever run away from home? Karen Matthews: (shakes her head) He'd never do that. (Karen walks over to the bed and picks up the stuffed dinosaur. She turns and looks at Catherine.) Catherine: Was he upset about anything? Karen Matthews: No. No. No. You're going to find him. If something happened, I'd know. (She gives the stuffed dinosaur to Catherine.) Karen Matthews: (points to her heart) I'd know here. Catherine: Of course. I'd feel the same. (Karen turns and makes the bed.) Catherine: Mrs. Matthews, when the officer brought your car back, I noticed that there were gifts in the garage that were from your husband's parents. Karen Matthews: The, um ... the colonel and his wife. We're, uh, we're not in touch anymore. Ever since Dwight was ... ever since Dwight died, my father-in-law thinks he should be raising Jesse, not me. He runs that house like an army barracks. Do you know what that does to a boy? Well, I saw what it did to Dwight, and I will not let him do that to Jesse. Catherine: I'm still going to need some contact information. (Karen stops and thinks about it.) Karen Matthews: They took him. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (Wendy Simms cuts the end of the toothbrush bristles with an electric handsaw to find a DNA sample to process.) (She puts the piece of toothbrush into a test tube, adds the solution and puts it in a machine that rocks it back and forth gently.) (She removes the test tube from the machine, removes the toothbrush from the test tube, takes a sample of the solution and puts it in a second smaller sample container. She caps the smaller sample container, puts it in a second machine that spins the sample. She closes the machine and turns it on.) (The machine whirls.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE - DAY] (Brass interviews Faye and Colonel Warren Matthews, Jesse's paternal grandparents.) Warren Matthews: We haven't seen Karen or Jesse since, um ... (He falters, obviously unable to recall the information.) ... uh ... since ... Faye Matthews: We haven't seen them in four years, since the day we buried our son. (Quick flashback to: [EXT. CEMETERY - DAY] The funeral procession moves along. Karen holds the folded flag in her arms, her other hand is tucked in the crook of her escort's arm.) (Behind her, Jesse is between Warren and Faye Matthews. Warren leans down and gives Jesse a plastic toy soldier.) Warren Matthews: (to Jesse) Here. Here's your toy soldier. (Karen overhears him. She turns around and gasps. She grabs the toy soldier from Jesse and glares at Warren. She shoves the toy soldier back at Warren.) Faye Matthews: (quietly) Warren, not today. Warren Matthews: (insistent) He's my grandson. It-it's, it's a toy. Karen Matthews: (upset) I will raise my own son-- not you. (She grabs Jesse's hand away from Faye's and leads Jesse away from them.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warren Matthews: Jesse comes from a, from a long line of military men going all the way back to Bull Run. Were you in the service? Brass: Yes, sir. Marine Corps. Warren Matthews: I bet your dad was, too, right? Brass: You know, we're here to talk about your family, not mine. Faye Matthews: If we hadn't seen Jesse's picture last night on TV, we wouldn't know what he looked like now. Warren Matthews: She blames me. Faye Matthews: I do not. Warren Matthews: Don't tell me what I know and don't know, all right? Faye Matthews: Can I please just go to the bathroom? Brass: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Warren Matthews: Where is it? Brass: It's. Uh ... down the hall to the right, through the door. Faye Matthews: Excuse me. (Faye Matthews gets up and leaves the office. Warren Matthews pulls his chair closer to Brass' desk.) Warren Matthews: (confidentially) This is just between you and me. I saw Karen last week. (Quick flashback to: [EXT. MATTHEWS' RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH - DAY] Warren Matthews knocks on the front door. Karen opens the door.) Warren Matthews: Oh, hi, Karen, uh, could I see Jesse please? Karen Matthews: No. (Karen starts to close the door; he pushes the door open.) Warren Matthews: Karen, he's my only grandson. Karen Matthews: You can't have him, okay? Warren Matthews: I don't want to keep him, Karen. I just want to give him these. Please. (He shows her the army tags.) Karen Matthews: Just leave us alone. (She again closes the door. He starts shouting.) Warren Matthews: Jesse! It's Grandpa. Jesse! Karen Matthews: No, please. (She closes the door on him.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Warren Matthews falls silent and looks down a little lost.) Brass: (prompts) Colonel? (Warren looks around.) Warren Matthews: Where's my wife? Brass: She's in the ladies' room. It's okay. Do you get these uh ... these spells often? There's some memory loss? Warren Matthews: It's early Alzheimer's. Brass: That's a tough one. Warren Matthews: All I wanted was to see my grandson. Find him for me. Brass: We'll do our best, sir. We'll do our very best. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Warrick and Sara walk through the hallway.) Warrick: Any luck with those prints from the swing? Sara: Nothing on AFIS, but Brass did put out a bulletin for the guy in the blue baseball cap. Warrick: I wouldn't get our hopes up -- it's a vague description. Sara: What about the K-9 search? Warrick: Nothing. (Warrick enters the DNA Lab as Sara leaves down the hallway.) [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] Warrick: What do you got for me? (Wendy Simms reports her findings.) Wendy Simms: Well, I ran the exemplar toothbrush against a blood sample from the men's room. It's not a match. Warrick: What about the underpants? Wendy Simms: Couldn't get enough epithelials for DNA 'cause the kid probably hadn't been wearing them for very long. (The label on the evidence bag reads: CRIME SCENE SEARCH EVIDENCE REPORT Name of Subject: Offense: LVPD 051207-1165 GG Date of Incident: 12-07-05 TIME: 11:28 AM/PM Search Officer: W. BROWN Evidence Description: BOYS UNDERPANTS Location: Mesa Valley Park Men's Room Warrick: I wonder why. Wendy Simms: Well, I did confirm a positive result for urea in the underpants. And the quantity and distribution suggests that the kid wet himself. Warrick: Ditched his wet tighty-whiteys and went back out to play. (Wendy goes to the computer and pulls up an ID.) Wendy Simms: I got a hit on your blood. Conner Daly. Convicted of NRS 201.450. Out on parole. (The information on the screen reads: ADDRESS: 1204 Bonnie Brae Las Vegas, NV 891- CRIMINAL HISTORY: NRS 201.450 Sexual Penetration of a Dead Human Body One Year State Prison RELEASED: November 21, 2005 ) Warrick: What's a 450? Wendy Simms: That'd be "s*x with dead body." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Warrick interviews Conner Daly.) Warrick: Mr. Daly, where were you yesterday afternoon? Conner Daly: Playing nickel slots downtown. I, uh .... I'm not trying to win the big jackpot or anything; just passing time. It relaxes me. (Warrick leans against the wall, looking through the open file folder in his hand.) Warrick: Where did you go next? Conner Daly: Walked in the park. Fresh air. I'm allergic to smoke. (Warrick looks up and at Conner Daly.) Warrick: Which park? Conner Daly: One near my apartment. (Warrick walks over to the table.) Warrick: Would that be Mesa Valley Park? Conner Daly: (nods) Yeah. Then I sat down on a park bench and read a copy of the RJ that I picked out of the trash. What's this about? Warrick: Did you go to the men's room at any time? Conner Daly: Only when nature called. Warrick: What did you do there? Conner Daly: I amused myself. Warrick: What did you do next? We found your blood on the floor. Conner Daly: I get nosebleeds. Too much cocaine back in the day. Warrick: Yeah. I'm sure we'll find that in your medical records. (Taking exception to the comment, Conner Daly stands up.) Conner Daly: (seethes) My whole damn life is on record. So, why don't you look at the freakin' records, huh? Warrick: You have anger issues, Mr. Daly? (The officer standing in the back of the room steps forward.) Conner Daly: Yeah. Warrick: Would you take a seat for me, please. (Conner nods and sits down again. Warrick sees a large gash on Conner's left hand between his thumb and index finger.) Warrick: What's that cut on your hand from? Pick the wrong partner? Conner Daly: (shakes his head) No. (Quick flashback to: [INT. BATHROOM - STALL - DAY] The stall door opens and Conner quickly sits down on the toilet, his hand holding his bleeding nose while the other reaches for some toilet tissue. The tissue holder roll is empty and he gets angry, ripping the holder out of the stall wall.) (Part of the holder falls to the floor, his blood on it.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Conner Daly: Look, I'll send the county a buck-fifty. They can buy a new one. Warrick: You recognize this boy? (Warrick puts Jesse's photo on the table. Conner leans forward and looks at it. He sits back in his chair.) Conner Daly: Looks like a kid that this guy brought into the bathroom but I didn't stay to watch. Warrick: Did you get a look at the guy? Conner Daly: (shrugs) 51's fan. (Warrick looks at him, not following him. Conner points to his head.) Conner Daly: His cap. [SCENE_BREAK] [MONITOR] (The news report is on for an AMBER ALERT. Jesse's photo is shown as Paula Francis reports.) Paula Francis: (from tv) Las Vegas police may have a break in the case of a missing boy. An eyewitness has come forward with a more complete description of the suspect. (A sketch of the man's face appears on screen.) Paula Francis: (from tv) Authorities are now seeking this man in connection with the disappearance yesterday of six-year-old Jesse Matthews. [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - DAY] (Grissom is watching the report on the television.) Paula Francis: (from tv) Initial reports from the scene only mention a man in a blue cap, but the police artist had a lot more to work with after the eyewitness came forward. (On the monitor, reporters interview Karen Matthews.) Karen Matthews: (from tv) Uh, uh ... I'm ju ... I'm just trying to stay positive. And, um, you know, I know that Jesse'll be safe at home again soon. Reporter (woman): (from tv) Do you think there's anything else the police ... Karen Matthews: (from tv) (interrupts) So. I know he'll be safe. (The report goes back to Paula Francis.) Paula Francis: (from tv) The boy's mother, Karen, is holding out hope that she'll see her son again. She's seen tragedy enough. Four years ago, she lost her husband in combat in Afghanistan. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [INT. CONVENIENCE STORE -- NIGHT] (Victor Esposito, wearing a blue baseball cap, and his wife Valerie wait at the checkout counter as 'Jesse' looks at the displays behind them.) Valerie Esposito: What's going on? (Off to the side, Brass takes out the photo of 'Jesse' and compares it to the little boy looking at the displays. He tucks the photo back into his jacket pocket.) (We hear a beep off screen from behind the counter.) Victor Esposito: (under his breath) It's ridiculous. (The clerk runs the credit card through the reader. It beeps again. He looks at the Espositos.) Clerk: Sorry. Declined again. You have another card? Victor Esposito: Aw, come on. That's the fourth time. Valerie Esposito: Maybe we got identity theft-ed or something. (She catches a glimpse of 'Jesse' reaching for the candy on the display.) Valerie Esposito: (to 'Jesse') Hey, hey, leave that candy alone. Clerk: It could be the card-reader. My manager'll be right back. If you guys want to get some coffee, it's on the house. (Brass nods to the officers just outside the doorway.) Brass: All right. Let's go. (He takes out his ID and badge and holds it up as he walks over toward the Espositos.) Brass: Las Vegas police. You're under arrest. Victor Esposito: What? VALERIE ESPOSITO: What? (The clerk looks at Brass.) Clerk: That's the kid from the news, right? Brass: Yeah. You did good. (Officers handcuff Valerie and Victor Esposito, who are confused.) Valerie Esposito: What? Victor Esposito: Yeah, what the hell is going on here? (Brass turns toward 'Jesse' as the Espositos.) Valerie Esposito: Hey, let go of me. Victor Esposito: What are you arresting us for? Huh? Valerie Esposito: Let go of me, huh! What the hell is going on here? Victor Esposito: What's going on? What are you arresting us for?! Valerie Esposito: Get away from him. Get away from him! (The officers lead Victor and Valerie out of the convenience store. Brass puts a hand on 'Jesse's' shoulder.) Brass: It's all right, son. You're safe now .. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (Karen Matthews rushes into the building. Catherine turns the corner to meet with her.) Karen Matthews: Oh, God, where is he? Catherine: He's in with a social worker. He's okay. Karen Matthews: Jesse! (She hurries past Catherine and rushes into the waiting room.) Karen Matthews: Jesse! (She puts her arms around him and hugs him. He doesn't hug her back.) Karen Matthews: Oh, Jesse, thank God. Thank God you're okay. No, no, no, it's okay. Mommy is here. You're safe now. (Adam turns to the side and sees someone off screen.) Adam Esposito: (shouts) Mommy! (Warrick and Catherine, who stand on the side watch, confused by what's going on.) Adam Esposito: Mommy! Valerie Esposito: Adam! Adam Esposito: Mommy! (Just outside the waiting room windows in the hallway is Valerie Esposito.) Valerie Esposito: Adam! Karen Matthews: (interrupts) No, your mommy's here, honey. Valerie Esposito: No, please. (shouts) Get away from my kid! (The officer leads Valerie Esposito away.) Karen Matthews: (to Adam) What did they say to you? Victor Esposito: (o.s.) Adam! Don't say nothing! Karen Matthews: What did they make you say, sweetheart? Victor Esposito: (shouts) Look at me. Don't say nothing to nobody. You hear me, little man, huh? Don't say nothing! (The officers lead Victor Esposito away as he continues to shout down the hallway.) (Brass stops alongside Warrick and Catherine as they all look at Karen with Adam.) Karen Matthews: Look at me. Just look at me. Don't look at those people. Just look at me. Just look right here. (Catherine shakes her head.) Catherine: Jim? Warrick: What the hell's going on? Brass: That's Victor and Valerie Esposito. Transplants from Jersey. Check this out. (He shows Catherine the photo key chain. It's a photo of the Espositos with Adam. Victor Esposito is wearing a Santa's cap.) Brass: It was with Mrs. Esposito's personal belongings at booking. (Catherine looks over at Adam with Karen.) Catherine: He's got the same scar over his eye as in Karen's photos. Warrick: So this kid has two moms? Brass: King Solomon threatened to cut the baby in half. What are you going to do? Catherine: King Solomon didn't have a DNA lab. (Brass heads for the interview rooms while Catherine and Warrick walk into the waiting room.) (Karen gives a plastic toy to Adam.) Karen Matthews: Here you go, sweetie. (He takes it from her. Karen holds Adam close to her.) Catherine: Hey, is it all right if he goes with CSI Brown for a little while? It won't be long. (Warrick kneels in front of Adam.) Karen Matthews: (nods) Okay. Warrick: Hey. My name's Warrick. You want to go for a walk? Karen Matthews: It's okay, sweetheart. He's a friend. (Adam gets up.) Warrick: Come on, we'll have some fun. (They start to leave when Karen stops them.) Karen Matthews: Oh, wait. (She holds out Jesse's jacket.) Karen Matthews: He gets cold. (Warrick takes the jacket from her.) Warrick: Thanks. (Warrick and Adam leave. Karen turns to look at Catherine.) Karen Matthews: Thank you. (Catherine smiles and nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT] (Clutching the plastic toy dinosaur in his hand, Adam is in the break room looking through the glass as people work in the lab next door.) (Warrick walks over to him and kneels down next to him. He looks through the glass as well.) Warrick: Wow, everybody's so busy in there, huh? Hey, I hear you like dinosaurs. Which one's your favorite? (Adam doesn't say anything.) Warrick: You know what mine is? T-rex. 'Cause he's got teeth like this big. (Warrick hold out his hands to show the size of the teeth. Grudgingly, Adam looks sideways at Warrick, but he doesn't turn around. And he doesn't say anything. Warrick: I bet you wouldn't want him for a pet, would you? (Adam turns and looks at Warrick.) Warrick: You want to see something cool? Come over here. Let's sit down. (Warrick and Adam move over to the table where Warrick has his kit. He and Adam sit down at the table.) Warrick: This is my special science kit. (He pops the kit open and shows Adam the things inside.) Warrick: Got all kinds of stuff in here. Let me see ... I got rubber gloves. (Warrick takes out a latex glove and blows it up like a balloon. He hands the glove to Adam.) Warrick: Here ... put that on. (Adam takes the glove from him.) What else I got in here? I got pens that turn into flashlights. (He takes out the penlight, turns it on and shows it to Adam. He puts it down in front of Adam.) Warrick: You want to see something invisible? Go like this. (Warrick swipes his thumb on the side of his nose and presses it down on the paper. Adam copies the motion and presses his thumb down hard on the blank sheet of paper.) Warrick: See, there's nothing there, right? (Adam nods. Warrick takes out the magnetic brush from his kit and shows it to Adam.) Warrick: But take my magic wand right here, and I put it in my special magic powder like this. (He dips the magnetic brush in the container.) Watch this. (He brushes the paper and the fingerprints appear.) Warrick: What appears is our fingerprints. (Interested, Adam leans forward to look.) Now shine the flashlight on it. (Adam quickly grabs the penlight and shines the light on the print.) Warrick: Wow ... Good job. Will you be my assistant? (Adam doesn't say anything, but he's definitely interested.) Warrick: See, no two people's fingerprints are alike. Just like no two people's spit is the same. (Warrick takes out two swabs from his kit and opens one.) Warrick: So if I took my spit like this ... (Warrick swabs the inside of his own mouth and caps it.) Warrick: Now you do it. (He opens the second swab and hands it to Adam. Adam takes the swab and swabs his own mouth. He gives the swab back to Warrick.) Warrick: See, even if I mix them up, I have a machine to tell me which one is mine and which one is yours. Now, I need you to tell me something. (Warrick holds out the two photos.) Warrick: Which one of these two pretty ladies is your mom? Adam Esposito: That one. (Adam points to Valerie Esposito.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT] (Catherine takes a swab from Valerie Esposito.) Catherine: Thank you. Valerie Esposito: Yeah, whatever. Can I see Adam now? Catherine: Adam? Valerie Esposito: Yeah. My kid. Catherine: Well, once our lab confirms DNA, he can go home with his mother. Valerie Esposito: Who the hell do you think I am? Catherine: Mrs. Esposito ... did you adopt Adam? Valerie Esposito: (scoffs) Give me a break. Twenty-six hours in labor. Finally had a c-section. (She stands up, lifts up her shirt and shows Catherine the scar on her abdomen. She sits back down.) (Catherine glances over at Karen Matthews in the waiting room.) Catherine: (reaching) Did you have twins? (Valerie Esposito rolls her eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Catherine exits the room. Karen Matthews stands up as Catherine walks into the waiting room.) Karen Matthews: Hi. Can I take Jesse home now? Catherine: I need your help to tie up a few loose ends. Karen Matthews: Of course, anything. Catherine: Let's start with a sample of your DNA. Karen Matthews: What? Catherine: We have to follow procedure for everyone's protection. In fact, Jesse can't even be released without a positive match. Karen Matthews: You know, he doesn't stay up this late. Catherine: I'll make it a rush, I promise. (Catherine takes out a swab.) Catherine: Open your mouth, please. (Catherine takes a swab sample.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT] (Catherine and Warrick look at the two photos side by side, comparing the two sons.) Catherine: It's the same kid. It's a doppelganger, with an identical scar. Warrick: He picked Mrs. Esposito. Catherine: I know there's cases in which the kidnappers threatened their victims, "Tell them that I'm your mother or I'll kill your real mom." Warrick: I don't think he's lying. Catherine: I don't think that Mrs. Esposito's lying either. Karen Matthews had a house full of photos of him. Warrick: Well, I'm sure the Espositos do, too. (They enlarge the photo of Karen Matthews and Jesse at the beach.) Catherine: There's something off about this picture. Warrick: It seems kind of set up, doesn't it? (Warrick enlarges the photo a little more and notices that Jesse's face starts to pixelate while Karen Matthews appears normal.) Warrick: The pixel density's not the same. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT] (Valerie and Victor Esposito look at the photo of Karen with Adam.) Valerie Esposito: Where'd she get this picture of Adam? How'd she get it? Victor Esposito: Maybe she's a stalker. Valerie Esposito: No, she wouldn't have stalked us to Cape May. This isn't it. It's the only shore we've been to. Catherine: Do you recognize anything in the picture? Valerie Esposito: Yeah, that's the shirt his Nana gave him last summer. He only wore it that once, at our family reunion. Catherine: Was Karen Matthews there? Victor Esposito: No way. Catherine: Mr. Esposito ... several witnesses saw a man matching your description at Mesa Valley Park ... (he nods) ... when Jesse disappeared. Victor Esposito: Yeah, I'm there all the time. We live around the corner. Valerie Esposito: We just had Adam's birthday party there last month. Victor Esposito: Yeah. Catherine: Were you there the day before yesterday? Victor Esposito: Yeah, with Adam. Yeah. (Valerie turns and looks at Victor.) Valerie Esposito: You told me you were taking him for ice cream. What were you doing in the park? Victor Esposito: I had to meet a guy. Valerie Esposito: A guy? Oh, my God. You're putting money down on a game? You promised you'd quit. Victor Esposito: I did, all right? It's for a guy at work. (Quick flashback. [EXT. PARK - DAY] Adam is on the swings as Victor watches. A car horn honks behind him and he turns.) (Flash to: Victor gives the guy in the car some money.) Victor Esposito: Three-to-one, right? Bookie: Yeah. (Finished with his business, Victor looks at Adam.) Victor Esposito: (shouts) Adam. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Valerie Esposito: Well, you should have just took him for ice cream. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB] (On the monitor, Archie has a photo of Adam enlarged. Warrick points to the photo.) Warrick: So Karen took a picture of herself at the beach and Photoshopped Jesse in. Archie Johnson: Right. Warrick: So if that's really Adam Esposito, where did she get the pictures from? Archie Johnson: Well, let us see. (Archie Goggles "ADAM ESPOSITO" in the search engine.) Warrick: Where are you going? Archie Johnson: Image search. (He finds the ESPOSITO FAMILY web page.) Archie Johnson: Family home page. My mom wants me to do one of these for our family. Warrick: Ah. Click on where it says "Adam's Birthday Party." (Archie clicks to the page. Warrick points out a particular photo.) Warrick: That one. Archie Johnson: Maybe Karen found the site. Cut out the kid's picture. Warrick: That's Mesa Valley Park. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (Warrick walks into Grissom's office to report to him.) Warrick: Karen Matthews faked those photos that she gave Catherine. Grissom: How? Warrick: Cut-and-paste. The photos that she got off the Internet. (Warrick gives Grissom a photo.) Grissom: The Espositos told Catherine that they were at the park with their son the day Jesse Matthews disappeared. Is that a coincidence? Warrick: No. My guess is Karen's been downloading pictures from the family website for a while -- the most recent being from Mesa Valley Park. Grissom: Could Karen have recognized the park from the pictures on the website? Warrick: Yeah, and she went there hoping to see him again. Grissom: But she reported him missing. That makes no sense. (Catherine walks in and joins them.) Catherine: Hey, I got the DNA results. The boy is Adam Esposito. Victor and Valerie are his parents. Warrick: There you go, she's lying. She doesn't have a son. Catherine: Uh, not quite. She's got 13 alleles in common with the male DNA that we got from the toothbrush exemplar. Grissom: So she does have a son. Catherine: I was inside the house. Believe me, a kid does live there. Grissom: And we're still looking for Jesse Matthews. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - WAITING ROOM] (Karen Matthews is sleeping in the waiting room. Brass walks in with a female officer.) Brass: Karen Matthews. (Karen wakes up and stands up. She smiles at Brass.) Karen Matthews: Can I take Jesse home now? Brass: I'm afraid not. No. The DNA confirms the boy's not your child. Karen Matthews: I ... that's impossible. Brass: Your actions regarding the Espositos constitutes stalking and possible kidnapping. Please go with this officer. Karen Matthews: No, no ... what have you done with Jesse? Brass: Ma'am ... Karen Matthews: No. Where is he? (Karen turns around and heads into the building, determined to find Jesse.) Officer: Ma'am ... Please ... Karen Matthews: Jesse? Officer: Ma'am ... Karen Matthews: Jesse? Jesse, where are you?! (The female officer takes off after her and catches up with her.) Officer: Ma'am, please ... (A second officer arrives to help detain Karen Matthews. Brass watches from the side.) Karen Matthews: I need to see my son! (screams) Jesse! Jesse, where are you?! (She struggles against them as they stop her from going any further.) Karen Matthews: (screaming) Please! Please! Jesse! Jesse! Jesse, where are you?! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM -- DAY] (Greg reads the information he's found about Jesse to Warrick, Catherine and Sara. The layout table in front of them has the various photos from the investigation.) Greg: "Jesse David Matthews. Mother Karen, father Dwight. Born August 31, 1999." I also checked for a death certificate. Nothing on file. Catherine: These are all in chronological order. Archie confirmed that all the photos taken along the top row were genuine. Up until the photo taken at the funeral in which he was two. Sara: So, the rest of these were faked using Adam Esposito? Catherine: Yeah. Sara: (to Greg) You talked to the neighbors. What did they say? Greg: Jesse and Karen kept to themselves. But he was always leaving his toys around outside. Sara: They saw his toys -- Did they see him? Greg: Well, when I asked, "When was the last time you saw Jesse?" No one remembered exactly. Warrick: What about his grandparents? Catherine: They haven't seen him since the funeral. Warrick: Has anyone seen Jesse since he was two? His teachers or a doctor, baby-sitters ... ? Catherine: Well, he was home-schooled. And we're looking into a doctor and a sitter. Warrick: Well, I guess we can impound her car and find out if there's any evidence that he was even in there. Catherine: For four years she's created an elaborate fantasy -- which collided with reality at Mesa Valley Park. (Quick flashback to: [EXT. MESA VALLEY PARK - DAY] Karen sits on the grass. She turns around and sees Adam on the swings.) (She stands up and smiles as she watches him.) Karen Matthews: Jesse. (As she watches, the man in the blue baseball cap walks up to Adam and picks him up. She imagines him calling out to her.) Voice: Mommy! (Suddenly worried, Karen starts shouting for her son.) Karen Matthews: Jesse? Where are you?! Jesse?! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: I suppose she thought it was her son that was gone when she looked back at that empty swing. Catherine: When she couldn't find him, she called the police. Sara: Jesse's been missing for four years. We're chasing a ghost. (Camera holds on the last photo of Jesse Matthews.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Catherine interviews Karen Matthews.) Karen Matthews: We went to the park. I-I brought Jesse's new jacket. He was on the swings and when I wasn't looking, a man in a blue cap took him. Catherine: Karen, tell me what happened four years ago after your husband was killed. Karen Matthews: I-I ... that's a ... I am not the one that should be here. You should be talking to the man that took Jesse. Catherine: Did Jesse get sick? Was there an accident? (Karen doesn't say anything as she stares at Catherine.) Catherine: Karen? Did something happen to Jesse? Is Jesse dead? Karen Matthews: You saw him. You were ... you were there while I held him in my arms. Why are you putting me through this? Tell me. Why? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MATTHEWS RESIDENCE - BACK YARD -- DAY] (Warrick is putting the three soil probes together. Greg and Sara join him.) Greg: So how do we do this? Warrick: Old school. Soil probes. The probe goes deeper where the soil's been disturbed. (They look around the back yard.) Greg: And that's where we dig? Sara: On the one hand, you really want to find the body. Give it respect, provide closure ... on the other hand ... Warrick: Yeah. (He hands Sara a soil probe.) (Sara, Greg and Warrick each spread out in the back yard.) Warrick: She would have buried the body where he would have still been close to her. Sara: You know, I'm not finding any density changes. Greg: Me neither. (Warrick looks around and notices the different wood board color in the fence. In the background, we hear a dog bark.) Warrick: Somebody replaced this fence board right here. These other ones look like they've been chewed on. Greg: Guy said that Karen freaked out when his dog barked at her kid. Maybe the dog chewed through the fence. (Warrick tests the soil.) Warrick: There's definitely a change in density there. Sara: Let's start digging. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MATTHEWS RESIDENCE - JESSE'S ROOM -- DAY] (Grissom photographs the paintings on the wall. One of the pictures is of a rainbow. Grissom puts his thumb up against the finger painting to measure the size and width of the strokes which match an adult's thumb.) (He steps back and looks at the paint bowl on the table.) (Catherine walks in.) Catherine: I found this in Karen's medicine chest. Olanzapine. (She's holding a bagged prescription bottle.) Grissom: That's a heavy-duty antipsychotic. Catherine: Yeah. But the prescription is over four years old. I'll have Brass subpoena her medical records. Grissom: You know, if she was being treated for psychosis, it could explain all of this, because she didn't overlook a single detail. I think she even did the finger paintings. Catherine: It's hard for anyone to let go of someone they love. Grissom: Yeah. After my dad died, my mom would still get him a present every Christmas. She'd put it under the tree. Christmas morning, the wrapping paper would be all crumpled up and, uh ... the tie or the sweater, whatever it was, would be hanging in their closet. Catherine: How old were you when he died? (Grissom snaps photos of the play table.) Grissom: Nine. Catherine: Little guy. (Grissom stops and looks around, lost in his own thoughts.) I'll get started in Karen's room. (Catherine turns to leave, but Grissom stops her.) Grissom: (suddenly) He taught botany. He, uh ... came home from school one hot, humid day, laid down on the couch. I was watching TV. My mom brought in some cold drinks ... but she couldn't wake him up. (They fall silent.) Grissom: No one would tell me why. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (Nick is going through Karen Matthews' car. He's examining the car trunk.) (He removes the carpeting and tosses it aside. He examines the trunk and finds some fibers. He takes a sample of the fibers and puts it in a container.) Receptionist: (over P.A.) Nick Stokes, you have a visitor in reception. Nick Stokes, you have a visitor in reception. (Nick stops and listens when he hears his name.) [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Nick walks into the lab.) Nick: Hey, Hodges. (Hodges turns around.) Hodges: Oh, hey, Nick. Did you hear you had a visitor? Nick: Yeah, and you have a tissue sample with adherent hairs. Examine the hairs and get the tissue sample to DNA. Priority. Hodges: I'll just drop everything I'm doing. Priority, Nick Stokes. Nick: You're coming around, Hodges. (Nick leaves and heads over to Reception.) [INT. CSI - RECEPTION - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The receptionist is on the phone.) Nick: Hey. I, uh, I have a visitor? (She points to the side.) (He turns and sees Kelly Gordon sitting on the chair.) Nick: Kelly? Kelly Gordon: Hi. Nick: Hi. You ... you got out. Kelly Gordon: Couple days ago. Nick: (nods) Mm ... Kelly Gordon: Parole Hearing Board liked my smile. (He smiles a little.) Nick: You know, I thought I saw you at a crime scene the other day. Kelly Gordon: You did. Nick: I did? Kelly Gordon: Just checking it out. (She stands up.) You know how, when you came to see me, what you said about when I get out, not taking it with me? I've been thinking a lot about that. I wanted you to know. Nick: You all right? Kelly Gordon: Perfect. (Kelly turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MATTHEWS RESIDENCE - BACK YARD -- DAY] (Warrick and Greg carefully dig out the soil in the area in front of the fence. They put it in a sifter where Sara goes through the soil.) (They take a canister sample of the soil. On the other side of the fence, we see Queenie trying to dig through the rocks to get under it.) (Greg puts a shovel full of dirt into a canister.) Greg: That would be Queenie. (Queenie growls and barks.) Sara: Even after four years, you'd expect to find some bones. There's nothing. (Sara and Warrick sift through the dirt as Greg digs. Warrick finds a plastic toy dinosaur in the dirt.) Warrick: Jesse liked dinosaurs. (Quick flashback of: Karen puts a plastic toy dinosaur in the hole with Jesse. She covers him up with dirt. End of flashback.) (Everyone falls silent.) Greg: Let's see what Hodges can tell us. (Greg tightens the container cover.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Grissom, Catherine and Brass sit and share their findings.) Grissom: The GCMS soil analysis found cadaverine, putrescine and several other organic compounds. Brass: Yeah. English, please? Grissom: It means there was a body buried in Karen's backyard. Catherine: Just too long ago to get any DNA. But Hodges also found traces of olanzapine. Brass: Well, that's interesting, because a warrant came through on Karen Matthews' medical records, and after her son was born, Karen was treated for postpartum psychosis, which her doctors treated by prescribing olanzapine. Grissom: Even a small amount of that stuff would be lethal to a two-year-old. Catherine: Karen is already mentally fragile when her husband is killed. She gets into a very heated argument with the in-laws at his funeral, goes over the deep end, poisons Jesse and buries him in the backyard near the fence. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- DAY] (Karen puts her earring on the table. The officer takes it and puts it in an envelope.) (Karen removes her wedding ring.) Brass: (V.O.) But then she digs him up. Why? Grissom: (V.O.) We have evidence to suggest that the neighbor's dog ... (Karen puts her wedding ring on the table.) [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] Grissom: ... was digging in Karen's backyard. Catherine: The neighbor claims that Karen killed his dog. If the dog detected decomp and dug near the grave, ... [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- DAY] (An officer pats Karen down.) Catherine: (V.O.) Karen may have moved the body to protect him. Brass: (V.O.) So, where's Jesse's body? [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] Catherine: Nick found a patch of tissue and hair in trunk of Karen's car. The DNA matches the toothbrush. Grissom: If Karen doesn't tell us where to look, I doubt we'll ever find the body. Brass: You know, as long as I do this job, I can never understand ... [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- DAY] (Karen puts on the red shirt on.) Brass: (V.O.) ... how a mother can kill her child. [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] Grissom: Euripedes tried to understand it when he wrote Medea. "I will slay my children without delaying long enough to hand them over to some more savage hand." [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- DAY] (The officer puts handcuffs on Karen's wrists.) Grissom: (V.O.) Medea, like Karen, was a soldier's wife. Catherine: (V.O.) His father was a soldier, his grandfather was a soldier, ... (The officer leads Karen away.) [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] Catherine: ... Karen did not want that for Jesse. Brass: Well, it's still murder. (Grissom shrugs.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY] (The officers open the door as Karen walks through into the hallway. They walk her through the hallway.) (Suddenly, Karen stops. In her mind, she hears a child's voice call out to her.) Voice: (faintly) Mommy ... Mommy! [OFF KAREN] (Karen turns around, she smiles brightly as she kneels down and raises her arms out in front of her to welcome her child.) (We see there's no one there.) (But she sees otherwise. With arms outstretched in front of her, Karen smiles as the camera moves directly toward her.)

Plan: A: The CSI team; Q: Who is called to help when Karen Mathews reports her son missing? A: Witnesses; Q: Who reported seeing a man with a blue baseball cap near the swings? A: the park bathroom; Q: Where were the boy's underpants found? A: a store; Q: Where was Jesse found? A: a woman; Q: Who was with the boy when he was found? A: the couple; Q: Who claims the boy is their son Adam? Summary: The CSI team is called to help when Karen Mathews reports her son, Jesse, missing from a playground where he was playing on the swings. Witnesses report seeing a man with a blue baseball cap near the swings. Clues in the park bathroom include blood and the boy's underpants. The boy is eventually found in a store, accompanied by a woman with a man fitting the earlier description. But the couple with the boy claim that he is their son Adam, while Karen insists he is her missing son Jesse.

Ted from 2030: In December of 2010, my friends and I decided to go see It's a Wonderful Life on the big screen. It seemed like something we all needed. After all, it had been a crazy couple of days. It all started... Marshall's and Lily's appartment Ted from 2030: With a pregnancy test. Marshall: This is taking forever. Are you sure you did it right? Lily: Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick? Marshall: Hey, can I ask you a question that's plagued me for years? Can girls aim? Lily: Um, can boys aim? 'Cause it seems to me like I'm taking a mop to that bathroom floor every two days. Marshall: Okay, you're the one who put the Far Side calendar up over the toilet. You know I laugh with my whole body. Lily: It's been two minutes. (Both exhale) Marshall & Lily: One, two, three. Lily: It's positive. Marshall: It's positive? It's positive. Ted's appartment Lily: I'm pregnant. Robin: What?! Barney: I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry. Force of habit. Congratulations! The Bar Robin: To Lily and Marshall. Marshall: Well, thank you. I mean, we've never been happier. Can't imagine anything bringing me down right now. At the gynecologist Doctor: You're not pregnant. Marshall: Well, that did it. [OPENING CREDITS] Ted from 2030: Kids, this is the story of the 36 hours we all thought Lily was pregnant, and how it caused each of us to reexamine our own lives. Because while this was happening... Marshall: Are you sure you did it right? Ted from 2030:...I was on the phone with Punchy, my best friend from high school, who had recently asked me to be his best man. Ted: Hey, Punchy, I've given this some serious thought. I think I know how we can crush these floral arrangements. Punchy: Ah, here it comes. Hit me up, Schmos! Ted: Peonies, lavender blossoms with a halo of baby's breath for an ambiance of springtime rejuvenation. Punchy: That's exactly the accent of whimsy this celebration of love needs! Ted: It's gonna be a magical day. (Ted hangs up) I know what you're thinking. I wish I was a dude. Robin: I do wish you were a dude. Ted: Because if I was a dude, I could have Ted Mosby as my best man. Robin: No, and here's why.,Ted, the best man's job is not to crush the floral arrangements. It's to get the groom down the aisle, because, no matter who he is, he will freak out. And I just don't think you have what it takes to get that get that soldier to pick up his rifle and charge up the hill. Ted: Uh, are you forgetting I've done this before? I was Marshall's best man. Robin: And how did that go again? Oh for one. Ted: Oh, come on. That wasn't my fault. And need I remind you, I gave a beautiful toast. Robin: Ted. (Both yelling) Oh, do you take one to be your lawfully wedded wife? Oh, God, I'm freaking out. Why did I chose Ted to be my best man? Ted: Uh, yeah. It's hard to take criticism from someone who just recorded seven episodes of Million Dollar Heads or Tails. Ted from 2030: Kids, Million Dollar Heads or Tails was an extremely popular show with an extremely simple premise. Animator: All right, your practice flip came up tails... But our Vegas oddsmaker tells us that the next toss is still just 50-50. And so, Jordan, for one million dollars......Heads... or tails? (Audience shouting suggestions) Jordan: What was the year of the coin again? Ted: Why this sudden obsession with Heads or Tails? Robin: Well, it turns out that Heads or Tails has a job opening. (Audience shouting suggestions) Jordin: Ta... heads. Animator: Marni, flip that coin. (She trhows it in the eye of the animator) Robin: So now, because of that incident, Heads or Tails is looking for a new currency rotation specialist. Ted: You mean coin flip bimbo? Robin: They're not bimbos! Ted: You auditioned, didn't you? [FLASHBACK] (Robin is auditionning, thorwing coins up in the air) And you're Canadian?! Mm. Robin, aside from that coin, this is the other thing that's flipping right now. What is my lid? For you. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: You're the new coin flip bimbo? Robin: Currency rotation specialist. Ted: Robin, you better check yourself before you trebek yourself. You're a journalist! What is the matter with you? Robin: Well, it's a national audience! I get to wear shiny dresses! Ted: Robin, have you forgotten about your New Year's resolution? [FLASHBACK] Robin: I am never drinking again. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: No, before that. [FLASHBACK] Robin, slurring: I am gonna finish this whole bottle tonight. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Before that, too. [FLASHBACK] Robin: I moved here to work for a big-time cable news channel like World Wide News. Mm-hmm. Well, by this time next year, I will be wearing a World Wide News I.D. badge around my neck. And to show you that I'm serious, this is my first and only drink of the night. Okay. Okay? Oh, damn, that's smooth. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: I thought you finally got that interview at World Wide News. Robin: Well, I did, but they only offered me a boring, low-paid, off-camera research job. Ted: Which could be a stepping stone to bigger things in your career. Robin: Well, so could Heads or Tails. (snorts) The first currency rotation specialist went on to be a semi-finalist on The Bachelor, and then, she lost, like, a hundred pounds on The Biggest Loser, and now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab. Ted from 2030: It seemed like there was no changing Robin's mind. But what we didn't know, in that moment, was that our world was about to be turned upside down. Ted's appartment Lily: I'm pregnant. Robin: What?! Ted from 2030: Now, kids, when your friends have great news, you're happy for them... For, like, a millisecond. And then you start thinking about yourself. Robin: Oh, my God! They're really having a baby. What am I doing with my life? Starting Monday, I'm a currency rotation spe... Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a coin flip bimbo, and I'm still single. Okay, let's not go there, Scherbatsky. That's a whole other thing. I've got to take that World Wide News job. Ted from 2030: And so, the next night, we had two things to celebrate. The Bar Robin: Well, you are looking at the new associate researcher at World Wide News. Marshall: Oh, my gosh. That's amazing news. Ted: What changed your mind? Robin: Marshall and Lily. I just realized that I am about to have a little niece who looks up to me. And I don't want to be sad aunt Robin, the aging coin flip bimbo who gives her the creeps. I want to be cool aunt Robin, the respected journalist... (quietly) Who gives her beer. Lily: What? Robin: What? Oh. I have never seen you guys looking so at peace. To Lily and Marshall. Marshall: Well, thank you. I mean, we've never been happier. Ted from 2030: So the next day Robin called Heads or Tails to respectfully decline. The appartment Robin: Hi, Mr. Trebek. This is Robin Scherbatsky. Ted from 2030: But at that moment... At the Gynecologist Doctor: You're not pregnant. Robin: As honored as I am by the offer, um... (Phone chirps) Oh, my God. They're not having a baby. What am I getting all up in my head about? That research job sounds hard. And I'm pretty. I'm really, really pretty. In front of the movie theater Robin: You are looking at the new coin flip bimbo. Ted: You took the Heads or tails job? Robin: Yeah. Ted: What about World Wide News, your I.D. badge? You made a New Year's resolution. Robin: Okay, I also said I would never make out with a garbage man. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. What's with the gingerbread house? Ted: We're seeing a Christmas movie. It's a Christmas-themed movie snack. Robin: Let's hope Santa brings you a girlfriend this year, Teddy. Ted: Where the hell is Barney? Ted from 2030: Where was Barney? Let's back up again. [FLASHBACK] Ted from 2030: You see, while this was going on... Marshall & Lily: It's positive. Ted from 2030:...This was happening. Robin: And now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab. (Barney enters) Barney: Hey, guys. A yuletide riddle. What is my second favorite word that begins with b-o-n? Ted: Bon Jovi? Barney: Yeah. What is my third favorite word that begins with b-o-n? (Imitates buzzer) Bonus. As in, my end-of-the-year bonus check. Ted: My God, Barney! I work for GNB, too. All I got was $15 gift card to Costa Coffee. Barney: And you earned it, buddy. Check out what I'm gonna buy for myself. The dibiase. See those pinstripes? Diamonds. It is the uppest a person could ever suit. Ted: Uh, has it ever occurred to you to give some of this to charity? Barney: Charity? You're seriously talking to me about charity? Dude, I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over-thirties... I am the bill and Melinda gates of the sympathy bang. [SCENE_BREAK] (Marshall and Lily arrives) Marshall: Hey, guys. Big announcement. Ted: Let me guess. You got a huge bonus check, too. Marshall: No, just a $30 gift card to Costa Coffee. Ted: Thirty?! Lily: I'm pregnant. Robin: What?! Barney: What?! I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry, force of habit. Congratulations! Barney: Huh. Marshall and Lily are doing something meaningful. And it's making me less happy about this bonus. And I'm still single. At least I got that going for me. So why do I still feel outside of awesome looking in? What am I doing with my life? The Bar Marshall: we've never been happier. can't imagine bringing e down right now. Barney: Oh, Marshall, you only think you're happy. Just wait, because tonight, (imitating Oprah) is Barney's Favorite Things! (Everyone is cheering) Ted from 2030: That was the reaction Barney expected. This was the one he got. Marshall: Huh? I don't know what that is. Barney: Barney's Favorite Things! I'm gonna give you all a bunch of free stuff... like Oprah. Just get excited, okay? Ted from 2030: The next hour got pretty weird. Barney: Velour track suits! Marshall: Velour is so comfortable. They're so soft. Barney: Remote control helicopters! Condoms! And last but not least... There is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to... A strip club! (Applause, cheering) You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're gonna give me a lap dance! Everybody gets a lap dance! That was amazing! It was like a diamond suit for my soul. I gotta keep going. I gotta do more. Ted: No. No! I cannot go back to that strip club. I seen some things. Barney: I'm not going back either. I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club. Ted from 2030: The next day, he paid a visit to the most charitable man he knew, his half-brother's father, Sam Gibbs, a minister at a church out on Long Island. At the church Barney: Sam. Uh, father. I-I don't mean father father. Unless... Sam: What's up, Barney? Barney: I'm thinking about giving some money to charity. Sam: Is that the name of the stripper you've been e-mailing me about? You got to take me off that list, Barney. Barney: No, I don't mean that charity. That charity is doing peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail. Sam: What up! Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe. Barney: I-I recently started giving, and it felt surprisingly good. I want to do more. Sam: Well, now you're talking. We have this program that helps those in need get back on their feet. We give them food, a place to live, clothes for job interviews. Barney: Well, I would love to help by writing a check for... one, zero, zero, zero... At the gynecologist Doctor: You're not pregnant. (Both gasp) At the church Barney:...Zero... (Cell phone chimes) Woops. Hold on a second. Wait. They're not doing something meaningful with their lives. Well, this changes everything. Oh, no, I've already written four zeroes. Thank you, decimal point. One hundred dollars. Sam: That's great. Thank you, Barney! In front of the movie theater Barney: Diamond suited up. Hey, Ted, can you spot me for the movie? I don't like to carry a lot of cash on me. Ted: What happened to giving the money away? Barney: Yeah, that was back when Lily was pregnant. Now she's not. Ergo, a suit is born. (Chuckles) Dude, what's up with the gingerbread house? You look ridiculous! Ted: It's a Christmas-themed movie snack! Barney: Ah, I know that move. You cut a hole in the floor, she reaches into the living room, finds the tree... Nice. Ted: Where the hell are Marshall and Lily? Ted from 2030: Let's back up one last time. [FLASHBACK] Lily: I'm pregnant. Robin: What?! Barney: What?! I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry, force of habit. Congratulations! Marshall: This is great. I'm happy. I'm so happy, my heart's pounding. And I'm sweating. And I can't breathe. This is what happiness feels like, right? Oh, crap. Lily's having a baby and I'm having a panic attack. I hope she can't tell what I'm thinking right now. Lily: I can. And I'm freaking out, too! There's an alien growing in my stomach that's gonna explode out of my v*g1n*! Marshall: Do you think the others can tell we're freaking out? Robin: What am I doing with my life? Barney: What am I doing with my life? Ted: I should get a Christmas-themed movie snack for tomorrow night. Marshall: They're totally onto us. What do we do? Lily: Just keep smiling, maybe wave. No, don't wave! That makes no sense! Marshall: I'm committed. I'm riding this wave straight to hell. Lily: Let's leave, then the waving will make sense. Ted from 2030: Narrator: So Marshall and Lily headed home. Marshall's and Lily's appartment Marshall: Lily, we have to relax. There's no need to panic. True, there's a lot to do, but we've got nine months to prepare. So I say that we just make a list of everything that needs to get done before the baby arrives and do everything on that list tonight! Lily: Let's do it! Uh-huh, got it. Okay, that seems easy. (Marshall enters the room, with paint all over him) Marshall: Nursery's painted! Lily: Blue? What if it's a girl? Marshall: Damn it! (Later, Lily is kneeting, Marshall is putting protections onto the furnitures) Lily: Oh, God, it's 8:00! We're supposed to meet the gang at the bar to celebrate. Marshall: Oh, God. Okay, listen. When we meet them, we have to keep it together. Can you keep it together?! Lily: No, I can't keep it together! The Bar Robin: I have never seen you guys looking so at peace. To Lily and Marshall. Marshall: Well, thank you. I mean, we've never been happier. Marshall's and Lily's appartment Marshall: This is a nightmare! We've done everything wrong! Lily: The iPod was on shuffle! (Rock music stops) The Jerky Boys! Our baby heard the Jerky Boys! Marshall: You know what, the Jerky Boys are funny. Lily: The Jerky Boys aren't funny, they are awful. Marshall: You know what, fine, if you don't think the Jerky Boys are funny, then I'm not sure that I can raise a child with you, liver lips. Lily: Marshall, I don't like this. Marshall: I know. Okay? I don't like it either. It's like I have a hot, burning ball of stress in my chest, and nothing will make it go away! Doctor: You're not pregnant. Marshall: Well, that did it. Doctor: I know this probably comes as quite a disappointment. Marshall: Yeah. Huge bummer. Lily: So disappointing. In front of the movie theater Ted: Are you guys okay? Lily: Huh? Yeah. Why wouldn't we be? Oh, the baby thing. Marshall: Oh, yeah, whatever. Oh, Christmas-themed movie snack. Nice. Lily: Don't reach into the living room! Ted: Wow, I-I thought you guys would be devastated. Marshall: Oh. You know, we're actually kind of relieved. We were freaking out for about a day and a half there. Lily: Yeah, this whole thing got us thinking. Maybe we're not ready for kids yet after all. Marshall: Yeah, we were thinking maybe we would just get a dog. Barney: Get a puppy! Marshall: Can you imagine... That would be the cutest thing! Ted, yelling: No! (Ted throws his snack down) Barney: Oh. Our movie snack. Ted: Are you kidding me?! All you ever talk about is having kids! And now you have one little freak-out and you want to get a dog instead?! No. Unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, you're gonna go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child. Right now! I'm serious! Go, go, go! (Marshall and Lily leave) Barney, singsongy: Marshall and Lily got in trouble. Ted: And you! Ooh. Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna go get your money back and give it to charity. And I don't mean that stripper you keep e-mailing us about, even though we beg you to take us off that list. Barney: I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark! Ted: Criminals of New York! Attention! This man is wearing a diamond-covered suit! You could retire on the pants alone! Merry Christmas! (Barney runs away) Robin, stuttering: So, if I get a large popcorn, you want to go split-skees or... Ted: And you... You did not move to the greatest city on earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. So here's how it's gonna work: Heads, you take the job at World Wide News; Tails, you take the job at World Wide News. Ow! Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig! Robin: Fine, I'll call them tomorrow. I'll call them right now. (Ted's phone rings as Robin is leaving) Ted: Hello. Punchy: Ted, I can't get married! Ted: Yes, you can! You love her! Punchy: You're right, I do! Thanks, Ted! Ted: One for It's a Wonderful Life, please. Thank you. Marshall's and Lily's appartment Marshall: We're idiots. Lily: This kid doesn't stand a chance. Marshall: We're ready for this. Lily: We're ready for this. At the church Sam: Wow. That's a lot of zeroes. Y-you sure you're not missing a decimal point? Barney: Nope. At World Wide News Woman: And that's the tour. Uh, staff meeting's at noon, you'll meet everyone there, but first you need to head down to security. You need to get your picture taken. For your I.D. badge. Marshall"s and Lily's appartment Marshall: You sure? Lily: Positive. At the church Barney: And there's more. Do you still do that thing where you give people in need clothes for job interviews? Sam: Yeah. Why? Barney: Bring 'em in, boys! Merry Christmas. Sam: Thank you, son. Barney: Son?! Sam: It's just an expression. I'm still not your dad. Ted's appartment Ted: Congratulations. Robin: You know, that was really cool what you did. When we all needed it, you got us back on the right path. Ted: It's what I do. Robin: Hey, Ted, if I, um, if I ever get married and you're not the guy I'm marrying... Ted: Big mistake, but go on. Robin:...I could really use someone like you. You know, in case I freak out. When I freak out. You interested? Ted: Are you asking what I think you're asking? Robin: Ted, will you be my best man? Ted: Scherbatsky... I'm gonna crush it. The Bar Barney: Hi, there. We've had a lot of fun tonight, but on a more serious note, this is the time of year when we remember the importance of giving. And there's no greater gift than the gift of booty. So, this holiday season, why not bang someone in need? I'm Barney Stinson, and that's... One to grow on. Woman: Um, no. Barney: Hi, there. You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight...

Plan: A: shocking news; Q: What do Marshall and Lily receive? A: a profound effect; Q: What kind of effect does the news have on the gang? A: their own lives; Q: What does the shocking news force the gang to reexamine? A: Robin; Q: Who gets a new job? A: Barney; Q: Who discovers the joy of giving on Christmas? A: Best Man; Q: What is Ted's role in Punchy's wedding? A: Punchy; Q: Who is Ted's old friend? Summary: When Marshall and Lily receive shocking news, it has a profound effect on the gang and forces them to reexamine their own lives. Meanwhile, Robin gets a new job, Barney discovers the joy of giving on Christmas and Ted begins his duties as Best Man for his old friend Punchy's wedding.

5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. ARIDIUS (NIGHT) (The DALEKS fire on the ship as it dematerialises.) FOURTH DALEK: Cease firing. They have escaped. THIRD DALEK: Final termination is inevitable. FOURTH DALEK: Eradicate! THIRD DALEK: Obliterate! FOURTH DALEK: Annihilate! SECOND DALEK: We will embark in our time machine at once. The Dalek supreme has ordered they are to be pursued through all eternity! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (VICKI runs up to BARBARA and dances round with her excitedly.) VICKI: We did it! We did it! (They laugh. The DOCTOR crosses over to the console from the fault locator wall.) DOCTOR: Yes young lady, a very good thing we did. We might not you know. BARBARA: Oh, come on, Doctor. You weren't exactly bursting with confidence when the Aridians held us prisoner. DOCTOR: A momentary qualm, a momentary qualm. Nothing more, nothing more. (IAN walks up with a cloth to his still sore head.) IAN: Yes, I had a qualm or two myself. DOCTOR: (Sitting down.) Yes, quite so, oh.. IAN: Hey, I wonder how those Mire Beasts are enjoying that Dalek, eh? Bit gritty. DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know, I should think a little, er, Pate de Dalek a la Mire Beast might be rather palatable! (IAN laughs.) VICKI: Oh Doctor! DOCTOR: Well, we can always drop you off to find out, hmm? IAN: Thank you very much! VICKI: We've just escaped from those things. We don't want to be sent back there. DOCTOR: Ah and I don't think we shall run into them again. And I think you must agree that we gave them a very good hiding. (A beeping sound suddenly emanates from the console. The DOCTOR doesn't seem to notice.) DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, I... IAN: Er, what's this, Doctor? (The DOCTOR jumps across to the console. The others follow. The DOCTOR looks at a small device with a flashing light on it.) DOCTOR: That's my "Time Path Detector". It's been in the ship ever since I constructed it. But do you know, I don't remember it registering before? BARBARA: What does it show? DOCTOR: Well, it surveys the time path we're travelling on. The fact that it's registering can only mean one thing... IAN: Yes, go on! DOCTOR: It's another time machine, travelling on the same route, hmm! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: VORTEX (The TARDIS continues its journey through time and space, closely followed by the DALEK ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. DALEK TIME MACHINE. MAIN CHAMBER (The interior of the DALEK time machine is brightly lit. Control consoles are against the walls with concentric patterns spinning above them. In the centre of the room is a tall perspex control pillar with instrumentation contained within. On one side of the room is a lift coming down from an upper section which leads onto a ramp running down to ground level. As one DALEK descends down the lift, another glides down the ramp to where other DALEKS are already assembled. One DALEK looks over the control pillar.) FIRST DALEK: Enemy time machine position now constant. SECOND DALEK: Lock tracking device. (The FIRST DALEK activates a control.) FIRST DALEK: Tracking device locked. THIRD DALEK: Report extent of time curve. SECOND DALEK: Seven-seven-three. Daledian scale; nine-one-five degrees. (The THIRD DALEK glides over to another DALEK.) SECOND DALEK: Compute time lag by earth scale. FOURTH DALEK: (Thinks, then.) Er, one, er, forty, er, computer reading; one-five earth minutes reducing. THIRD DALEK: We are close behind them. FIRST DALEK: Success! Success! SECOND DALEK: Exterminate! FIRST DALEK: Success! SECOND DALEK: Final victory inevitable! THIRD DALEK: Order executioner to prepare to disembark. SECOND DALEK: I obey. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (VICKI brings BARBARA a food packet from the food machine. BARBARA has changed out of her dress and now wears her black trousers and polo neck jumper.) BARBARA: What flavour is it? VICKI: Guava. (The DOCTOR is at the console.) DOCTOR: Ah, it's useless, useless, hmm! (IAN walks up to BARBARA and sees that she has changed.) IAN: Hello, hello? Got our battle dress on again? BARBARA: The Doctor doesn't seem to be having much luck. IAN: No. Well, if we can't escape from them, we'll have to stay and fight 'em. VICKI: But we're in front. We could keep moving. BARBARA: Yes, but for how long, Vicki? VICKI: Let's ask the Doctor. He should know by now what he's going to do. (They cross over to the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Ah, I'm afraid it's no good. I'm quite unable to elude them, hmm! IAN: Doctor, what are we going to do? When we land? Just wait for the Daleks to catch us up? DOCTOR: It takes twelve minutes for our computers to re-orientate and gather power. Now that twelve minutes is vital to us. We must hold onto it. Give me time to be able to do something whereby... IAN: Why don't we just go faster, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, well, please, just leave it to me, dear boy, just leave it to me, will you? VICKI: Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? VICKI: (Pointing to one of the control instruments.) The time rotor - Doctor, it's slowing down! DOCTOR: Yes, yes - hmm? Oh, that means we can land in two minutes. BARBARA: But where, Doctor, where? (They all look up to the scanner.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. NEW YORK CITY (The Statue of Liberty guards the entrance to New York harbour. Ships glide through the water in front of Manhattan island and, dwarfing all its neighbours, the Empire State Building reaches towards the sky.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. OBSERVATION FLOOR (A group of tourists are gathered on the observation floor near the top of the building, taking photographs and enjoying the view. A uniformed guide, in a strong New Jersey accent, continues his tour. Among the tourists is a tall dark haired young man wearing a Stetson.) GUIDE: Er, (Coughs.) Here, on top of the, er, Empire State Building, you're on the, er, hundredth and, er, second storey above the ground level. At a height of one, er, one thousand, four hundred and, er, seventy, er, three feet. This is the, er, tallest building, the tallest structure in the entire world. Now you note, when you come up in the elevator, it took you seven minutes. Well this way down, you wanna get down in a hurry, it would take you thirty seconds. (The tourists laugh.) GUIDE: Well, of course, we, er, don't, er, recommend that. Now as we, er, gaze out across the panorama... (Some do just that, peering through a protective mesh fence to the distant cars below.) GUIDE: Aa-as we gaze out across the, er, imposing panorama of our proud city, you will notice many other notable buildings. Among them the, er, Chrysler Tower, that's one thousand and forty six feet high, er, and the Jannen, er, Jannen Tower, that's, er, six hundred and eighty feet high and already it's threatened with obsolescence. (The young man in the Stetson, MORTON DILL, speaks up.) MORTON DILL: Without what? GUIDE: Up, er, [SCENE_BREAK] , the, er, mighty Hudson river and now if you'll come with me to the, er, north aspect of the building, I will point out many more items of interest. (MORTIN DILL tries to catch the attention of a young woman but fails. As the other tourists follow the guide away, DILL looks over the view again through a platform telescope. Behind him, the TARDIS materialises. DILL steps away from the telescope, grinning.) MORTON DILL: We sure don't have anything like that in Alabama! No sir, ha! (He turns round and makes as if to follow the other tourists but stops, puzzled, when he sees the TARDIS.) MORTON DILL: I could have sworn that thing wasn't there just now? Well, I guess that's New York for ya! Ha! (He stops grinning as BARBARA steps out of the TARDIS. He raises his hat to her.) MORTON DILL: Morning. BARBARA: You're from Earth... MORTON DILL: No, no Ma'm. No, I...I'm from Alabama. BARBARA: Er, what time is it? (DILL puts out a pocket watch.) MORTON DILL: Three after twelve, Ma'm. BARBARA: I really meant "what year is it"? MORTON DILL: What, you mean you have different years here?! BARBARA: Well...what year is it in Alabama? MORTON DILL: (Puzzled.) 1966 Ma'm. (Then annoyed and slightly hurt.) S...say, you wouldn't be trying to have a bit of fun with me now, would you? BARBARA: (Hastily.) No...no. (She walks over to the edge of the building to see the view. VICKI steps out of the ship. DILL sees her and jumps, but remembers his manners and raises his hat to her.) VICKI: Afternoon. MORTON DILL: Mornin' (As she walks past.) 1966! VICKI: Oh... Erm...thank you! MORTON DILL: Pleased to oblige you, Miss! (VICKI joins BARBARA and they look over the view to the cars below.) VICKI: I recognise this place. It's Ancient New York. MORTON DILL: (Overhearing.) Ancient! (The two women look at him. He nods an embarrassed apology and steps back.) VICKI: (Quietly, to BARBARA.) There were pictures of it in our history books. It was destroyed in the Dalek invasion. (The DOCTOR and IAN step out of the TARDIS.) MORTON DILL: Wait...how many more of you are there in that thing? DOCTOR: Oh, just the four of us, young man. (Laughs.) MORTON DILL: Must be a kind of tight squeeze? DOCTOR: Hmm! (DILL steps closer to examine the TARDIS as the DOCTOR and IAN join the women.) MORTON DILL: Can't all have come out of there. (IAN looks over their new landing place.) IAN: Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? IAN: This is no place to meet the Daleks. A lot of innocent people could get hurt. DOCTOR: Yes, quite so, quite so, dear boy. Well, er, the computers will be ready in a few moments. I...suggest that, er, we re-embark. IAN: Yeah. DOCTOR: Er, Vicki, Barbara, come along. (They all walk back towards the ship. DILL is there.) MORTON DILL: Hey, er, you goin' back in? BARBARA: Yes, that's right. MORTON DILL: Oh now, come on, wait a minute! Ah...I just bet you folks are from Hollywood! You're making some kind of motion picture. Now that's it, ain't it? DOCTOR: (Snapping.) No, it ain't! I...I..., come along... MORTON DILL: Tell me, you're secret will be safe! Yes sir! Real safe. DOCTOR: Secret? MORTON DILL: Sure, I've seen this trick before - great long police cars comin' outa tiny little wooden sheds! Ha! I saw you come outa there with ma own eyes! You just ain't gonna make it back it again! (The travellers laugh.) VICKI: Goodbye. BARBARA: Goodbye! IAN: Goodbye! (All but the DOCTOR enter the ship. He stops in obvious impatience as DILL addresses him again.) MORTON DILL: Hot diggety! Ah knew ah was right! Y...you, you should be wearing Police uniforms, you all is...you all is in a chase. DOCTOR: Chase? Yes, as a matter of fact, young man, that's exactly what this is. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be getting along, it's the, er, chase, you know? (The DOCTOR enters the TARDIS and closes the door.) MORTON DILL: Sure thing Mister! Ah understand. Just wait 'til I tell the folks back home I met some real live movie pe...(He knocks on the TARDIS door.) Do you know Cheyanne Bodie? Look, just wait a minute, I...I want to get this thing on celluloid. (He rushes over and grabs a cine camera. As he struggles to use the platform telescope as a tripod, the TARDIS dematerialises. By the time DILL looks round, the ship has gone. He steps forward amazed.) MORTON DILL: That's real clever, how they done that. Sure if it don't beat all! (He steps back to the platform telescope. Behind him, the DALEK time machine materialises.) MORTON DILL: Sure is clever that... (He turns and sees the DALEK ship.) MORTON DILL: God darn it - if they ain't gone an' done it again! (He bursts into laughter as a DALEK glides out of the ship towards him.) MORTON DILL: Howdy Mister! Say, you sure are an ugly looking friend! (He walks round the DALEK which silently turns its head right round watching him.) MORTON DILL: Wait...what's the name of this film, Mister? My, my my, boy, you come all over in blue spots. (He grabs the DALEK gun.) What's this thing here? (The creature pushes the young man back towards the platform telescope.) MORTON DILL: Now, just, now now! There ain't no need to get sore. The other movie people was right friendly. DALEK: Movie pe... (The DALEK realises that DILL is referring to the time travellers.) DALEK: Where are they? (DILL bursts into laughter as he hears the DALEKS voice. He steps up to the creature and speaks in imitation of the DALEKS' voice into its sucker arm.) MORTON DILL: They-just-left! (He laughs again.) They was in some kind of beat-up old blue wooden box. It just kinda like vanished! (The DALEK turns and glides towards the time machine.) MORTON DILL: I say, I thought they'd have been chasing you. Just hold it there, Mister. I want to get a picture of this. (He runs back to get his camera. The DALEK machine dematerialises, again unseen by DILL. He turns round with his camera.) MORTON DILL: Sure is the greatest... (He sees that the ship has vanished. He laughs.) MORTON DILL: Well, dang me! If they ain't gone an' done it again! This is...the greatest thing. It's gotta be around here somewhere? (DILL holds his hands up and feels the air.) MORTON DILL: Just can't vanish into thin air. I know you're there somewhere boy! (DILL starts to stamp on the floor, trying to find a trapdoor. The tourists return with their GUIDE.) GUIDE: (Talking to a tourist.) As I enjoy ... gives me a chance ... you know, I get around, er... (The GUIDE stops as he sees what DILL is doing.) MORTON DILL: There's gotta be a trick to it somehow! Yes sir! I bet this here is hollow! That's what it is... (He gets on his hands and knees and starts feeling the floor. The GUIDE sidles up a large fat tourist.) GUIDE: He's a nutter. Keep an eye on him, er, see that he, er, don't jump, er, over the building. Er, I'll get a cop. Watch 'im, eh? (The GUIDE runs off.) MORTON DILL: (Muttering.) Just coming back ... (DILL stops as he sees the large fat man looming over him...) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR sits in a chair. VICKI watches the time path detector.) DOCTOR: Yes, I wonder, hmm? VICKI: They're still on our track. DOCTOR: Catching us up, are they? Will you get my screwdriver, child? The large one. The one that I was fiddling with on the Visualiser. VICKI: OK. (VICKI walks off as IAN and BARBARA carry a large box device into the room.) BARBARA: Ahh! DOCTOR: Ah. BARBARA: Oh, this thing's heavy. DOCTOR: Yes, thank you, thank you. (Laughs.) IAN: Is this going to work, Doctor? DOCTOR: (Examining the device.) Maybe. I'm not sure. But if they're going to catch us up, we've got to find something to fight back with, hmm? BARBARA: Oh, Doctor, why don't we just stay where we are? DOCTOR: That's out of the question, my dear. The vacuum in space, we should all be dead in no time. VICKI: (Passing the DOCTOR his screwdriver.) Here you are. DOCTOR: Ah, thank you, thank you. VICKI: What's this all about? DOCTOR: Well, the idea is, my dear, is to find something that...we can fight back with. BARBARA: (At the console.) Doctor, we're landing! DOCTOR: Hmm? But I'm not ready, I'm not ready! (He rushes to the console.) We can't meet them now! Oh, gracious! No, wait a minute. We shall have to land and then...take off as quickly as we can again. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. SEA (A tall-masted sailing ship glides through the water...) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. SHIP DECK (Two officers stand on the deck. The Captain, BENJAMIN BRIGGS, consults a map whilst ALBERT C RICHARDSON looks through a telescope.) ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: Land about six miles off to the south-south-west, sir. CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: Aye, that'll be the island of Santa Maria. One of the Azores group. We're making poor time, Mr. Richardson. (He looks into the sky.) And now it be calmed, after the storm. ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: I'll mark a reading on the deck log, sir. (RICHARDSON starts chalking on a board.) CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: I'm going below if you should want me. Sarah says our child has sickness. ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that, sir. (RICHARDSON finishes chalking on the log-board and walks away. The TARDIS materialises. BARBARA steps out, followed by IAN.) BARBARA: It is a ship, Ian! It's a sailing ship at sea. IAN: Barbara, don't go wandering off, please. BARBARA: (Walking away.) I just want to have a look. (Delighted.) I...I love sailing ships! IAN: There's no point in being seen. BARBARA: No, well, erm, I'll just have a look over the ships rail. IAN: No, no, the Doctor's at the controls, we're... (BARBARA steps over to the rail and looks out to sea, breathing in the fresh air. Behind her, ALBERT C RICHARDSON steps out of from a doorway. He jumps forward and grabs one, then the other of her wrists.) ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: Got you! BARBARA: Oh, let go of me! Let go of... ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: No, you don't, my beauty! Captain Richardson's got a way of dealing with stowaways. BARBARA: I am not a stowaway and you're hurting my hands! ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: Just you keep still. Where've you been hiding since we set sail, eh? BARBARA: I haven't been hiding! I have just come on board! ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: Oh... (Laughs.) I suppose you're some sort of a mermaid that's lost at sea, eh? (VICKI steps out of the ship and sees what is happening. She grabs a nearby cosh.) ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: You swam out from Santa Maria now, just to give us poor lonely sailormen a little bit of feminine company, eh? (Laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR is checking the console. IAN sits in the chair.) DOCTOR: Well, everything appears to be in order, my boy, mm? IAN: Oh, we haven't done very well so far, Doctor, have we? Let's face it. First of all, we land on top of a skyscraper... (The DOCTOR laughs.) IAN: Now we land on a crummy old ship. What we need is space. DOCTOR: Mmm, indeed, indeed, well, we're ready to move on. Now, would you, er, tell the ladies that I, er, want to get away, please. IAN: Yes. DOCTOR: Thank you. (IAN gets up.) IAN: Barbara's got a case of "call of the sea". DOCTOR: Ah, I'm sorry about that. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. SHIP DECK (VICKI has managed to crawl onto the upper deck, above the struggling BARBARA and RICHARDSON.) BARBARA: You're hurting my hand! Look, even if I told you the truth, you wouldn't believe me. ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: I believe what I see. Now, come along! You're going before the Captain! (VICKI reaches over and coshes RICHARDSON. He falls with a cry.) BARBARA: Well done, thanks Vicki! VICKI: That's all right, anytime! BARBARA: Hey, there's somebody coming! Hide! (VICKI waits with the cosh. It is IAN who walks up to BARBARA.) BARBARA: Oh... (VICKI reaches down and coshes him.) VICKI: Got him! I got him! BARBARA: Yes... VICKI: (Seeing who her victim is.) Oh! (BARBARA struggles to hold IAN up as VICKI runs down from the upper deck.) BARBARA: Vicki! Vicki, quickly! (VICKI joins BARBARA as they try to hold up the near unconscious IAN.) VICKI: Ah! Oh, Ian! I'm terribly sorry! Did I hurt you? BARBARA: Oh, that's a silly question! (IAN almost falls to the floor.) BARBARA: Oh! Come on, let's get him into the ship. VICKI: Oh, Ian! I didn't mean it! Oh, Ian! (They carry him away. RICHARDSON comes round. Holding his head, he staggers to his feet. He watches in amazement as the TARDIS dematerialises. He climbs the steps to the upper deck.) ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: Captain Briggs! Captain! Captain Briggs! CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: (Coming forward.) Yes Mr. Richardson? ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: (Barely coherent.) Captain, there was a thing. ... on the lower deck. CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: What are you talking about? ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: A stowaway sir. She got away from me. CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: A stowaway, eh? A girl? ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: Aye sir. CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: Mr. Bosun! (BRIGGS walks past the ship's wheel and shouts down to the BOSUN who appears on the lower deck.) CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: Rise all hands amidships, we've a stowaway! BOSUN: Aye aye sir! (The BOSUN blows a whistle. BRIGGS walks back to RICHARDSON.) CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: How'd she get away? ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: I got a hit over the head. CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: By her? ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: No sir, it couldn't have been - because I was holding her arms. (Alarmed.) Do you think it was the...the white Barbary terror? CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: That's ungodly superstition, Mr. Richardson! (BRIGGS sees that the BOSUN is on the lower deck with the assembled crew.) CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: We've more than one stowaway aboard Mr. Bosun. BOSUN: Aye sir. The storm must have bought them out of their hiding place. CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: Aye lad. I want 'em found. Each watch can take a section of the ship and search it thoroughly. ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: (Stepping down to the lower deck.) I'll, er, I'll take the forward hold sir, er, Mr. Bosun, take, er, Starkey and Willoughby, search the aft. BOSUN: Starkey and Willoughby! (The two sailors follow him as he steps up to the upper deck.) CAPT. BENJAMIN BRIGGS: And Bosun? I'll thank you not to disturb my wife and child. BOSUN: Aye aye sir. (He turns to the other sailors on the lower deck.) The rest of you men search the hold. Keep your hands off the cargo. (The sailors step away to do as instructed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. DALEK TIME MACHINE. MAIN CHAMBER SECOND DALEK: We shall soon be arriving. Order the search party to stand by. THIRD DALEK: They are ready. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. SEA (The ship continues its journey.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. DALEK TIME MACHINE. MAIN CHAMBER (An image of the ship appears in the middle of one of the spinning concentric patterns.) FOURTH DALEK: Is that where the humans have landed? SECOND DALEK: Yes. Join the search party and prepare to disembark. We are materialising...now. (The image of the ship is replaced by electronic pulsating patterns. These disappear as the dematerialisation sound dies down and the concentric pattern stops spinning.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. SHIP DECK (The search has ended and the sailors are nonplussed.) BOSUN: There's nobody here, Willoughby. WILLOUGHBY: We'll try below. (A look of horror appears on the BOSUN'S face. BOSUN: The white terror! The white terror of Barbary! (The BOSUN sinks to the ground in fear as a DALEK approaches him and WILLOUGHBY.) DALEK: Where are the time travellers? WILLOUGHBY: Run lads! 'Tis the white terror! (WILLOUGHBY runs in fear and is joined by other sailors. They are in a similar panic as other DALEKS glide across the deck.) WILLOUGHBY: Run, run! (There are various cries of "Abandon ship!" and "Run for your lives!" as the sailors see more of the DALEKS. They run to the rail and start to jump in the water. There is a further cry of "The white terror - the white terror of Barbary." A woman clutching a baby appears at the rail and she too jumps. WILLOUGHBY looks at the water in horror as RICHARDSON appears on deck and tries to restore order.) ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: You fools! Get back to your posts! (WILLOUGHBY turns but loses his balance and he too falls into the water. RICHARDSON runs round the deck and catches his first sight of a DALEK. He throws a cosh at it and falls back as the DALEK approaches.) ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: Get away! DALEK: Wait! ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: Get away! DALEK: Do not move! Answer my question! (BRIGGS appears on deck and tries to calm RICHARDSON down.) ALBERT C. RICHARDSON: Come on, sir, come on! It's the Barbary terror! Come on! (He frees himself from BRIGGS and crosses himself.) You're not going to take my soul! (He too jumps into the water. The CAPTAIN shouts after him, takes off his jacket and also jumps. Two DALEKS on the lower deck look up to the FIRST DALEK on the upper deck.) FIRST DALEK: Is the earth time machine here? FOURTH DALEK: It has not yet been discovered. FIRST DALEK: Join in the search. SECOND DALEK: You search up there. (The DALEKS glide off as a CABIN STEWARD comes out of a cabin. He looks back in the cabin to where he has just laid the table for a meal - that will never be eaten. He walks out on to the deck and stops in horror at the sight of the FIRST DALEK on the upper deck.) CABIN STEWARD: No...no! FIRST DALEK: Wait! CABIN STEWARD: (In terror.) No...no...no, no! (The CABIN STEWARD runs towards the deck rail.) CABIN STEWARD: Please, no, please! (He pulls himself up by the rigging, then jumps into the water.) CABIN STEWARD: No, no, argh! (One of the DALEKS follows but goes too far and it too falls overboard. Two DALEKS report...) DALEKS: There is no one on the vessel. FIRST DALEK: Come. We must continue our pursuit course. (It glides away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. SHIP (The ship continues its journey through a misty ocean.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. SHIP DECK (The deck is totally abandoned. The log-board still shows the last message chalked onto it by RICHARDSON. All seems normal except for the total lack of people. The wheel housing shows the ships' name - "MARY CELESTE".) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (BARBARA is dabbing the back of IAN'S head.) BARBARA: Is that better? IAN: Oh! Thanks! Oh... (He sits up.) BARBARA: Well, you must admit it was funny. IAN: Really? I haven't seen the joke yet, I must say. (He stands up.) IAN: One thing I did see by the way; the name of that ship we were on. BARBARA: Was what that? IAN: The "Mary Celeste". BARBARA: "Mary Celeste"? (IAN nods to a guilty VICKI.) IAN: Vicki? Any change, Doctor? DOCTOR: I altered the curve we were travelling on. For one moment, I dared hoped we'd lost them. They must have detected the change and followed. They're close on our track. IAN: But surely we've got our twelve-minute lead still? DOCTOR: (Somberly.) I'm afraid not. It's down to eight. It will be reduced even further after our next landing. We must face the facts; the Daleks are closing in on us. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: VORTEX (The TARDIS journeys through vortex. Closer behind is the DALEK time machine.)

Plan: A: their trail; Q: What are the Daleks on? A: the TARDIS; Q: What do the travellers flee in? A: the desert planet Aridius; Q: Where does the chase begin? A: stopping-off points; Q: What are the places the chase takes in called? A: a futuristic fun-fair attraction; Q: What is the haunted house? A: the jungle planet Mechanus; Q: Where does the chase end? A: the Doctor's party; Q: Who do the Daleks try to kill? A: a robotic double; Q: What do the Daleks use to try to kill the Doctor? A: Mechonoids; Q: Who were the robots sent to prepare landing sites for human colonists? A: Steven Taylor; Q: Who has been the Mechonoids' captive for the past two years? A: their mutual destruction; Q: What happens to the Daleks and the Mechonoids? A: The Doctor; Q: Who helps Ian and Barbara return home? A: the Daleks' time machine; Q: What do the Doctor and his companions use to return home? Summary: The travellers learn from the Time-Space Visualiser taken from theMoroks' museum that Daleks equipped with their own time machine are on their trail with orders to exterminate them. They flee in the TARDIS. The chase begins on the desert planet Aridius and takes in a number of stopping-off points, including a spooky haunted house which is actually a futuristic fun-fair attraction. Eventually both time machines arrive on the jungle planet Mechanus, where the Daleks try to infiltrate and kill the Doctor's party with a robotic double of him. The travellers are taken prisoner by the Mechonoids - robots sent some fifty years earlier to prepare landing sites for human colonists who never arrived - and meet Steven Taylor, a stranded astronaut who has been the Mechonoids' captive for the past two years. The Daleks and the Mechonoids engage in a fierce battle which ends in their mutual destruction. The Doctor's party seizes this opportunity to escape. The Doctor reluctantly helps Ian and Barbara to use the Daleks' time machine to return home.

[OPENING CREDITS] [A hand taps out Morse code. A train whistle blows. Mr Bates sits in one of the cars. A woman takes down the telegram message.] Woman: Oh, my God. Man: That's impossible. I'll take it up there now. Woman: Don't be stupid. None of them will be up for hours and what difference will it make? [She hands him the telegram.] Woman: Jimmy'll do it when he comes in. [SCENE_BREAK] April 1912 [SCENE_BREAK] [DOWNTON ABBEY, SERVANTS' CORRIDOR - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Daisy knocks on the housemaids' bedroom door.] Daisy: Six o'clock! [HOUSEMAIDS' BEDROOM - MORNING] [Gwen sits up in bed.] Gwen: Thank you, Daisy. Anna. [Anna stirs in her bed.] Anna: For once in my life I'd like to sleep until I woke up natural. [SCENE_BREAK] [KITCHENS - MORNING] Mrs Patmore: Is your fire still in? Daisy: Yes, Mrs Patmore. Mrs Patmore: Oh, my, my, will wonders never cease? Have you laid the servants' hall breakfast? Daisy: Yes, Mrs Patmore. Mrs Patmore: And finished blacking that stove? Daisy: Yes, Mrs Patmore. Mrs Patmore: What about the bedroom fires? Daisy: All lit, Mrs Patmore. Mrs Patmore: Right, well, take your things and get started on the fires on the ground floor. [Daisy carries a bucket of firewood through the servants' hall and up through the main rooms into the library.] Housemaid 2 (to Daisy): Now hurry up. [Daisy hurries through the library. A footman, Thomas, enters with a silver tray with two drinks. He collects two more in another room.] Thomas: Any sign of William? Housemaid 2: No. [Thomas enters the breakfast room where William is laying the tablecloth.] Thomas: Where have you been? William: I'm not late, am I? Thomas: You're late when I say you're late. [SCENE_BREAK] [DRAWING ROOM - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Anna and Gwen open the windows and fluff the pillows.] Anna: Daisy? Whatever are you doing there crouching in the dark? Daisy: You weren't here and I didn't want to touch the curtains with my dirty hands. Gwen: And quite right, too. Anna: Why didn't you put the lights on? Daisy: I daren't. Gwen: Well, it's electricity, not the devil's handiwork. You'll have to get used to it sooner or later. Anna: Skelton Park have even got it in the kitchens. Daisy: What for? [SCENE_BREAK] [SERVANTS' CORRIDOR - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Mrs Hughes, the housekeeper, walks with the keys. William knocks on the butler's door while he's polishing the silver.] William: Breakfast is ready, Mr Carson. Mr Carson: Ah, William, any papers yet? William: They're late. Mr Carson: They certainly are. Get the board out so you can do them as soon as they're here. [William sets up a board used for ironing the newspaper.] [SCENE_BREAK] [DRAWING ROOM - MORNING] Mrs Hughes: Is the library tidy? Anna: Yes, Mrs Hughes. Mrs Hughes: Good. I want the dining room given a proper going over today. You can do it when they've finished their breakfast. Oh, heavens, girl! You're building a fire, not inventing it. How many have you done? Daisy: This is my last till they come downstairs. Mrs Hughes: Very well. Now, get back down to the kitchens before anyone sees you. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [The paperboy cycles up to Downton. Lady Mary gets out of bed and sees him ride past her window. She rings the bell.] [SCENE_BREAK] [SERVANTS' HALL - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [The bell for the Queen Caroline room rings as the servants are eating breakfast.] Thomas: And they're off. Mrs Hughes: No rest for the wicked. [Mrs Patmore looks at the bells] Mrs Patmore: Lady Mary. Are the tea trays ready? [Anna gets up from the table.] Anna: All ready, Mrs Patmore, if the water's boiled. Could you give us a hand to take the other two up? Miss O'Brien: I've got Her Ladyship's to carry. Gwen: I'll help. [Another bell rings.] Mrs Hughes: Back door. Mr Carson: The papers at last. William. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BACK DOOR - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [The paperboy reads the newspaper as William steps out.] William: You're late. Paperboy: Yeah. I--I know, but-- William: But what? Paperboy: You'll see. [SCENE_BREAK] [MR CARSON'S OFFICE - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [William irons the newspaper.] Mr Carson: Do The Times first. He only reads that at breakfast, and The Sketch for Her Ladyship. You can manage the others later if need be. [William nods as Carson leaves. He starts to fold up the paper, but stops when he sees something and reads it.] [SCENE_BREAK] [SERVANTS' HALL - MORNING] Daisy: Why are the papers ironed? Mrs Patmore: What's it to you? Miss O'Brien: To dry the ink, silly. We won't want His Lordship's hands as black as yours. [More bells ring. Daisy finishes clearing the table and Miss O'Brien gets up.] William: Mr Carson, I think you ought to see this. [William hands him the newspaper.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KITCHENS - MORNING] Mrs Hughes: I can't make myself believe it. Mrs Patmore: Me neither. Thomas: His Lordship's dressed. [Mrs Patmore looks over at William who is talking to Daisy.] Mrs Patmore: William! Will you stop talking and take this kedgeree up, and mind the burners are still lit. William: Yes, Mrs Patmore. [William takes the dish and heads out.] Thomas: Is it really true? William: Afraid so. Mrs Patmore: Nothing in life is sure. [SCENE_BREAK] [BREAKFAST ROOM - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Robert, Earl of Grantham, descends the stairs with his dog.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Morning, Carson. Mr Carson: Good morning, my lord. [Robert dishes up the breakfast buffet for himself.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Is it true what they're saying? Mr Carson: I believe so, my lord. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I'm afraid we'll know some people on it. I don't suppose there are any lists of survivors yet? Mr Carson: I understand most of the ladies were taken off in time. Robert, Earl of Grantham: You mean the ladies in first class? [Carson nods grimly.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: God help the poor devils below decks. [Robert takes his breakfast to the table and puts the napkin in his lap as he sits down.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: On their way to a better life. What a tragedy. [Robert opens the newspaper to see a picture of the Titanic. Lady Mary and Lady Edith enter and read over his shoulder.] Lady Edith: When Anna told me, I thought she must've dreamt it. Lady Mary: Do we know anyone on board? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Your mother knows the Asters. At least, she knows him. We dined with Lady Rothfuss last month. There are bound to be others. Lady Edith: I thought it was supposed to be unsinkable. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Every mountain is unclimbable until someone climbs it, so every ship is unsinkable until it sinks. Thomas: My lady. [Thomas hands Lady Sybil a tray with the post and she takes the letter before she enters.] Lady Sybil: Good morning, Papa. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Morning. What's that? Lady Sybil: Just arrived. Telegram. [Robert opens it while he continues to read the paper. Then he is stunned by the telegram's contents. His daughters stare at him, waiting. He gets up from the table without a word.] [SCENE_BREAK] [CORRIDOR - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Robert passes Miss O'Brien as he walks down the hall.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Is Her Ladyship awake? Miss O'Brien: Yes, Milord. I'm just going to take in her breakfast. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Thank you. [Robert knocks on a door. There's a muffled reply behind the door.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: May I come in? [Robert enters.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY GRANTHAM'S BEDROOM - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Cora is reading the Daily Sketch.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Isn't this terrible? When you think how excited Lucy Rothfuss was at the prospect. It's too awful for any words. Did J.J. Aster get off? Of course, that new wife of his has bound to have been rescued. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I've had a telegram from George Murray. One of his partners is in New York. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Yes? Robert, Earl of Grantham: It seems James and Patrick were on board. Cora, Countess of Grantham: What? They can't have been. They weren't going over till may. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Then they changed their plans. They're definitely on the passenger list. [O'Brien brings the breakfast tray to Cora in bed.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Thank you, O'Brien, that'll be all for the moment. (to Robert) But surely there were picked up? Robert, Earl of Grantham: It doesn't look like it. Cora, Countess of Grantham: What? [Cora puts her breakfast tray aside.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Neither of them? You must tell Mary. She can't hear about it from anyone else. [Robert nods.] [SCENE_BREAK] [SERVANTS' CORRIDOR - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [A man walks with a cane and a travel bag.] [SCENE_BREAK] [LADY MARY'S BEDROOM - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [O'Brien holds a white cloth as she talks to Anna and Gwen as the house maids make the bed.] Miss O'Brien: "Neither of them were picked up," that's what he said. Anna: Mr Crawley and Mr Patrick? Miss O'Brien: That's what he said. Her Ladyship was the colour of this cloth. Gwen: Well, it's a terrible shame if it's true. Miss O'Brien: It's worse than a shame. It's a complication. [O'Brien leaves. Gwen and Anna follow O'Brien down the servants' staircase.] Gwen: Well, what do you mean? Miss O'Brien: What do you think? Mr Crawley was His Lordship's cousin and heir to the title. Gwen: Well, but I thought Lady Mary was the heir. Miss O'Brien: She's a girl, stupid. Girls can't inherit. But now Mr Crawley's dead, and Mr Patrick was his only son. So, what happens next? Anna: It's a dreadful thing. [The maids find Mr Bates standing in the servants' corridor with his cane and travel bag.] Mr Bates: Hello. I've been waiting at the back door. I knocked, but no one came. Miss O'Brien: So you pushed in? Mr Bates: I'm John Bates, the new valet. Miss O'Brien: The new valet? Mr Bates: That's right. [O'Brien looks down at Bates's cane.] Miss O'Brien: You're early. Mr Bates: Came on the milk train, thought I'd use the day to get to know the place, start tonight. Anna: I'm Anna, the head housemaid. [Anna shifts the sheets and candle in her arms to shake his hand.] Mr Bates: How do you do? [Bates reaches to shake O'Brien's hand, but she doesn't take it.] Miss O'Brien: And I'm Miss O'Brien, Her Ladyship's maid. You better come along with us. [Anna and Bates exchange a small smile before following into the servants' hall.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' HALL - DAY] Mrs Hughes: But how can you manage? Mr Bates: Don't worry about that. I can manage. Mrs Patmore: Because we've all got our own work to do. Mr Bates: I can manage. Mr Carson: All right, Mrs Hughes, I'll take over, thank you. Good morning, Mr Bates. Welcome. I hope your journey was satisfactory. Mr Bates: It was fine, thank you. Mr Carson: I am the butler at Downton. My name is Carson. Mr Bates: How do you do, Mr Carson? Mr Carson: This is Thomas, first footman. He's been looking after His Lordship since Mr Watson left. It'll be a relief to get back to normal, won't it, Thomas? [Thomas gives a short, insincere smile. Mr Carson turns to Mrs Hughes.] Mr Carson: I assume that everything is ready for Mr Bates's arrival? Mrs Hughes: I put him in Mr Watson's old room. Though he left it in quite a state, I can tell you. Mrs Patmore: But what about all them stairs? Mr Bates: I keep telling you...I can manage. Anna: Of course you can. [Bates and Anna exchange a friendly smile.] Mr Carson: Thomas, take Mr Bates to his room and show him where he'll be working. [Thomas and Bates leave.] Mr Carson: Thank you everyone. Miss O'Brien: Well, I can't see that lasting long. Mr Carson: Thank you, Miss O'Brien. [Carson leaves. Carson looks up at the daunting flights of stairs and Thomas smiles before ascending ahead of him.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' BEDROOM CORRIDOR - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Bates is panting as they walk down the corridor. Thomas opens the door to his room and Bates looks at the modest wardrobe, chair, washing basin, cots, nightstand, and dresser.] Mr Bates: Oh, yes. I shall be comfortable here. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LIBRARY - DAY] Lady Mary: Does this mean I'll have to go into full mourning? [Robert is shocked and upset.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: My first cousin and his son are almost certainly dead. We will all be in mourning. Lady Mary: No. I mean, with the other thing. After all, it wasn't official. Robert, Earl of Grantham: If you're saying you do not wish to mourn Patrick as a fiancé, that is up to you. Lady Mary: Well, no one knew about it outside the family. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I repeat, it is up to you. Lady Mary: Well, that's a relief. [She looks up at her father, realizing how that sounded. Robert turns to sit down at his desk and Mary leaves.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LORD GRANTHAM'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Thomas shows Bates around the house.] Thomas: There's some cedar-lined cupboards in the attics for things that aren't often worn, travelling clothes and such. Mr Watson used them to rotate the summer and winter stuff; I'll show you later. Mr Bates: What about studs and links? Do I choose them, or does he? Thomas: Lay them out unless he asks for something in particular. These for a ball, these for an ordinary dinner, these only in London. Mr Bates: I'll get the hang of it. Thomas: Yeah, you'll have to. [Mr Bates lifts a lid on a case.] Thomas: Snuff boxes. He collects them. Mr Bates: Beautiful. Funny our job, isn't it? Thomas: What do you mean? Mr Bates: The way we live with all this, pirates horde within our reach. But none of it's ours, is it? Thomas: No, none of it's ours. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CORRIDOR - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Thomas stops as he passes O'Brien in the corridor.] Thomas: I can't believe I've been passed over for Long John Silver. Miss O'Brien: You should've spoken up when you had the chance. Don't make the same mistake next time. Thomas: Who says there'll be a next time? [Mrs Hughes enters the corridor.] Mrs Hughes: Is this a public holiday no one's told me of? [Thomas continues on his way.] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON ABBEY, GROUNDS - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Robert and Cora go on a walk with the dog.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: She was certainly reluctant to go into mourning. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Well, she'll have to; we all will. O'Brien's sorting out my black now, and I've told Anna to see what the girls have that still fits. Of course, this alters everything. You won't try to deny it. You must challenge the entail now, surely? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Can't we at least wait until we know they're dead before we discuss it? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Don't talk as if I'm not broken-hearted, because I am. Of course, I've never understood why this estate must go to whomever inherits your title. Robert, Earl of Grantham: My dear, I don't make the law. [Mr Carson approaches them from the house.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: What is it? Mr Carson: The Dowager Countess is in the drawing room. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I'll come now. Mr Carson: She asked for Lady Grantham. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I wonder what I've done wrong this time. Mr Carson: And the new valet has arrived, My Lord. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Has he? Er...thank you, Carson. [Carson clears his throat.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: What is it? Mr Carson: I'm not entirely sure that he'll prove equal to the task, but Your Lordship will be the judge of that. [Carson returns to the house and Robert turns to Cora.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Better go. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Tell her about James and Patrick; she won't have heard. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DRAWING ROOM - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Violet is dressed in black.] Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Of course I've heard. Why else would I be here? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Robert didn't want you to read about it in a newspaper and be upset. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: He flatters me. I'm tougher than I look. [Cora sighs.] Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: I'm very sorry about poor Patrick, of course. He was a nice boy. Cora, Countess of Grantham: We were all so fond of him. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: But I never cared for James. He was too like his mother and a nastier woman never drew breath. [Cora puts on a smile.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Will you stay for some luncheon? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Thank you. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I'll let Carson know. [Cora heads for the door.] Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: I've already told him. Shall we sit down? [They sit.] Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Do you know the new heir? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Only that there is one. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: He's Robert's third cousin, once removed. I have never, well, to my knowledge, set eyes on him. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Of course, if your late husband hadn't forced me to sign that absurd act of legal theft-- [Violet puts up a hand.] Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: My dear, I didn't come here to fight. Lord Grantham wanted to protect the estate. It never occurred to him that you wouldn't have a son. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Well, I didn't. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: No...you did not. But when Patrick had married Mary, and you grandson been hailed as master, honour would have been satisfied. Unfortunately, now... Cora, Countess of Grantham: Now a complete unknown has the right to pocket my money, along with the rest of the swag. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: The problem is, saving your dowry would break up the estate. It would be the ruin of everything Robert's given his life to. Cora, Countess of Grantham: And he knows this? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Well, if he doesn't, he will. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Then there's no answer. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Yes, there is, and it's a simple one. The entail must be smashed in its entirety, and Mary recognized as heiress of all. Cora, Countess of Grantham: There's nothing we can do about the title. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: No. She can't have the title. But she can have your money. And the estate. I didn't run Downton for thirty years to see it go lock, stock, and barrel to a stranger from God knows where. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Are we to be friends, then? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: We are allies, my dear, which can be a good deal more effective. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' HALL - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Daisy carries a pitcher from the kitchens to the servants' hall where the servants are sitting down to luncheon.] Mr Carson: Downton is a great house, Mr Bates, and the Crawleys are a great family. We live by certain standards and those standards can at first seem daunting. Mr Bates: Of course. Mr Carson: If you find yourself tongue-tied in the presence of His Lordship, I can only assure you that his manners and grace will soon help you to perform your duties to the best of your ability. Mr Bates: I know. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Bates! [All of the servants stand.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: My dear fellow. I do apologise, I should have realised you'd all be at luncheon. Mr Carson: Not at all, my lord. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Please, sit. Sit, everyone. I just want to say a quick hello to my old comrade in arms. Bates, my dear man, welcome to Downton. [They shake hands.] Mr Bates: Thank you, sir. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I'm so sorry to have disturbed you all. Please forgive me. [Robert leaves and the ones who seated themselves rise slightly in their chairs. The servants turn their surprised looks on Mr Bates. He shrugs.] Mr Bates: You never asked. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KITCHENS - DAY] Mrs Patmore: Thomas, take that up. [Daisy moves to help him.] Mrs Patmore: Easy, Daisy, he's a grown man! I suppose he can lift a meat pie. [Daisy smiles brightly at Thomas as he exits with the tray.] Mrs Patmore: Now, put that apple tart in the lower oven. [Daisy complies.] Mrs Patmore: Oh, and take that away. Mr Lynch shouldn't have left it there. Daisy: What is it? Mrs Patmore: Salt of sorrel. I asked him for some to clean the brass pots. So, put it somewhere careful; it's poison. Daisy: Seems like a lot of food when you think they're all in mourning. Mrs Patmore: Nothing makes you hungrier or more tired than grief. [Daisy gazes after Thomas with a smitten smile as he takes up the next dish.] Mrs Patmore: When my sister died, God rest her soul, I ate my way through four platefuls of sandwiches at one sitting and slept 'round the clock. Daisy: Did it make you feel better? Mrs Patmore: Not much, but it passed the time. Oh, my lord. What was this chopped egg suppose to be sprinkled on? Daisy: Was it the chicken? Mrs Patmore: It was. Take it upstairs now. Daisy: I can't go in the dining room. Mrs Patmore: I should think not! Find Thomas or William and tell them what to do. Oh, for heaven's sake, get a move on, girl, before they get back from church! [Daisy grabs the bowl and rushes out.] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CHURCHYARD - DAY] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Well, we've given them a memorial in London and a memorial here. George Murray: I prefer memorials to funerals, they're less dispiriting. Robert, Earl of Grantham: We could hardly have held a funeral without the bodies. George Murray: I gather they're putting up a stone to mark those whose bodies were never found. In fact, I hear the Canadians are making quite a thing of the Titanic cemetery. I'm surprised at the number they found. You'd think the sea would've taken more of them. Robert, Earl of Grantham: So, Murray, what have you to tell me about the lucky Mr Crawley? Nothing too terrible, I hope. [Murray chuckles.] George Murray: I've only made a few inquiries, but no, there's, er, not much to alarm you. Matthew Crawley is a solicitor based in Manchester. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Manchester? George Murray: His special field is company law. His mother is alive and he lives with her, his father obviously is not; he was a doctor. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I know. It does seem odd that my third cousin should be a doctor. George Murray: There are worse professions. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Indeed. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' CORRIDOR - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [William stops to wipe his brow and Daisy rushes up to him.] Daisy: Do me a favour, this is supposed to be sprinkled on the chicken. William: Isn't there more to go up? Daisy: Oh, please, it won't take a moment! William: All right, give it to me. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON ABBEY, GROUNDS - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [The mourners walk back to the house.] George Murray: We ought to talk about the business of the entail. As you know, on your death the heir to the title inherits everything except for the sums set aside for your daughters and your widow. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Yes? George Murray: Owing to the terms of her settlement, this will include the bulk of your wife's fortune. Robert, Earl of Grantham: (sigh) It has been our sole topic of conversation since the day the ship went down. George Murray: Of course, it must seem horribly unjust to Lady Grantham, but that is how the law stands. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Is there really no way to detach her money from the estate? Even to me it seems absurd. George Murray: Your father tied the knots pretty tight; I'd say it's unbreakable. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I see. [Further back, Edith weeps into her handkerchief.] Lady Mary: Really, Edith, do you have to put on such an exhibition? Lady Sybil: She's not. Lady Mary: I was supposed to be engaged to him, for heaven's sake, not you, and I can control myself. Lady Edith: Then you should be ashamed. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KITCHENS - DAY] Mrs Patmore: Oh, don't tell me you haven't sent up the egg yet! [Daisy panics and rushes out with the bowl. She grabs Gwen in the corridor.] Daisy: Oh, God! Help me! Please, God, help me! Gwen: What on earth's the matter? Daisy: Just run upstairs to the dining room and find William, I beg you! Gwen: I can't do that now. Daisy: You've got to. I'll be hanged if you don't. Gwen: What? William: Daisy, is that you? [William comes down the stairs with the bowl in his hand.] William: Is it the chicken in a sauce or the plain chicken with sliced oranges? Daisy: Oh, thank you blessed and merciful Lord! Thank you! [Daisy swaps the egg dish with the salt of sorrel that William's holding.] Daisy: It's the chicken in the sauce. I'll never do anything sinful again, I swear it, not till I die! [Gwen stares after Daisy in confusion.] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON ABBEY, FRONT WALK - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Cora meets the mourning party at the front door.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Mr Murray, how lovely to see you. Do come in. George Murray: You're very kind, Lady Grantham, but I must get back to London. Cora, Countess of Grantham: But you'll stay for luncheon? George Murray: Thank you, but no. I'll eat on the train. In fact, if you'd be so good as to ask for the motor to be brought 'round? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Mm. [Robert turns to Carson, who nods.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: But didn't you want the afternoon to talk things through? George Murray: I think we've said everything we have to say, haven't we, my lord? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Oh, for the time being, yes. Thank you, Murray. You've given me a good deal to think about. [Murray turns to leave and Mary leads her sisters towards the house.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Mary, try to get everyone into the dining room. Edith, make sure old Lord Minturn sits down. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MR CARSON'S OFFICE - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Someone knocks at the door as Carson decanters some wine.] Mr Carson: Mm-hmm? [Mrs Hughes enters.] Mrs Hughes: They've all gone? Mr Carson: They have, thank the Lord. Mrs Hughes: What about the lawyer? Mr Carson: Oh, he was the first away. Didn't even stay for the luncheon. Mrs Hughes: I wish they'd make their minds up. Gwen's put clean sheets on the blue room bed. Now she'll just have to strip it again. Mr Carson: Can't you leave it for the next guest? Mrs Hughes: Well, only if you don't tell. [Carson chuckles.] Mrs Hughes: So...has it all been settled? MR CARSON (sigh) I don't know if anything's been settled. There's a fellow in Manchester with claims to the title, I gather, but it's all a long way from settled. Mrs Hughes: You mustn't take it personally. Mr Carson: Oh, I do take it personally, Mrs Hughes. I can't stand by and watch our family threatened with the loss of all they hold dear. MRS HUGHES (chuckles) They're not our family. Mr Carson: Well, they're all the family I've got. [Mrs Hughes is surprised and humbled by his sharp sincerity.] Mr Carson: I beg your pardon. Mrs Hughes: Do you...ever wish you'd...gone another way? [Carson looks up sharply.] Mrs Hughes: Worked in a shop or a factory? Had a wife and children? Mr Carson: Do you? Mrs Hughes: I don't know. Maybe. Sometimes. [Someone knocks at the door.] Gwen: William's laid tea in the library, but Her Ladyship hasn't come down. Mrs Hughes: She'll be tired. Take a tray up to her bedroom. [Gwen nods.] Mr Carson: Is Thomas back? Gwen: Not yet, Mr Carson. [Mrs Hughes turns to Carson for an explanation.] Mr Carson: He asked if he could run down the village, I didn't see why not. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE VILLAGE - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Thomas exits a shop and walks down the street.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY GRANTHAM'S BEDROOM - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Gwen brings in a tea tray while O'Brien helps Cora dress. O'Brien waits for Gwen to leave.] Miss O'Brien: It's iniquitous. They can't expect you to sit by silent as your fortune is stolen away. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Can't they? Miss O'Brien: His Lordship'd never let it happen. Cora, Countess of Grantham: How's Bates working out? Miss O'Brien: Well, I don't like to say. Only, it seems unkind to criticize a man for an affliction, milady. And even if it means he can't do his job. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LIBRARY - DAY] Robert, Earl of Grantham: How are you settling in? Mr Bates: Very well, I think. Unless Your Lordship feels differently. Robert, Earl of Grantham: No complaints? Mr Bates: If I had any, I should take them to Mr Carson, milord, not you. [Robert chuckles.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: You're probably right. And the house hasn't worn you out with the endless stairs and everything? Mr Bates: I like the house, my lord, and I like it as a place to work. Robert, Earl of Grantham: What happened? Mr Bates: Oh, it's only the old wound. After I left the army, I had a spot of bother and just when I got through that, about a year ago my knee started playing up. A bit of shrapnel got left in or something had moved, but it's fine. It's not a problem. Robert, Earl of Grantham: And you'd let me know if you felt it was all too much for you? Mr Bates: I would. But it won't be. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. COURTYARD - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Thomas returns while O'Brien is on her smoke break.] Servant: Thomas. Miss O'Brien: And where have you been? Thomas: In the village. Sent a telegram, if you must know. Miss O'Brien: Oh, pardon me for living. [She offers him a cigarette.] Miss O'Brien: Well, Murray didn't stay long. Thomas: Does Her Ladyship know how they left it? Miss O'Brien: No. They talked it all through on their way back from the church. Thomas: If I was still his valet, I'd get it out of him. Miss O'Brien: Bates won't say a word. Thomas: He will not? I bet your tanner he's a spy in the other direction. I wanted that job. We were all right together, His Lordship and me. Miss O'Brien: Then be sure to get your foot in the door when Bates is gone. Thomas: Can't get rid of him just 'cause he talks behind our backs. Miss O'Brien: There's more than one way to skin a cat. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY MARY'S BEDROOM - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Anna fixes Mary's hair.] Anna: Perhaps she misunderstood. Lady Mary: No, it was quite plain. O'Brien told her Bates can't do the job properly. Why was he taken on? Anna: Oh, he was Lord Grantham's batman when he was fighting the Boers. Lady Mary: I know that, but even so. Lady Sybil: I think it's romantic. Lady Mary: I don't. How can a valet do his work if he's lame? Anna: He's not very lame. [Anna finishes Mary's hair.] Anna: There. Anything else before I go down? Lady Mary: No, that's it. Thank you. [Mary looks at herself in the full mirror as Anna exits.] Lady Mary: Oh, I hate black. Lady Sybil: It's not for long. Mama says we can go into half-mourning next month and back to colours by September. Lady Mary: It still seems a lot for a cousin. Lady Edith: But not a fiancé. Lady Mary: He wasn't really a fiancé. Lady Edith: No? I thought that was what you call a man you're going to marry. Lady Mary: I was only going to marry him if nothing better turned up. Lady Sybil: Mary, what a horrid thing to say. Lady Mary: Don't worry, Edith would've taken him, wouldn't you? Lady Edith: Yes, I'd have taken him. If you had given me the chance, I'd have taken him like a shot. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' CORRIDOR - EVENING] Thomas: I just think you should know it's not working, Mr Carson. Mr Carson: Do you mean Mr Bates is lazy? Thomas: Not lazy...exactly. But he just can't carry. He can hardly manage His Lordship's cases. You saw how it was when they went out to London for the memorial. He can't help with the guest luggage neither, and as for waiting a table, we can forget that. Mr Carson: And what do you want me to do? Thomas: Well, it's not for me to say. But is it fair on William to have all the extra work? I don't believe you'd like to think the house was falling below the way things ought to be. Mr Carson: I would not. Thomas: That's all I'm saying. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY MARY'S BEDROOM - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Mary stares at her reflection in the looking glass. Sybil pops her head in.] Lady Sybil: I'm going down. Coming? Lady Mary: In a moment. You go. [Sybil enters and closes the door.] Lady Sybil: I know you're sad about Patrick. Whatever you say, I know it. Lady Mary: You're a darling. But you see, I'm not as sad as I should be. And that's what makes me sad. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LORD GRANTHAM'S DRESSING ROOM - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Bates brushes down Robert's tailcoat.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Thank you. [Bates drops the brush.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: I'll do that. Mr Bates: No. No, thank you, milord. I can do it. [Bates picks up the brush.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: I'm sure. Mr Bates: I hope so, milord. I hope you are sure. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Bates, we have to be sensible. I won't be doing you a favour in the long run if it's too much for you. No matter what we've been through, it's got to work. Mr Bates: Of course it has, sir. I mean, milord. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Do you miss the army, Bates? Mr Bates: I miss a lot of things, but you have to keep moving, don't you? [Robert chuckles.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: You do, indeed. Mr Bates: I'll show you, milord, I promise. I won't let you down. We've managed so far, haven't we? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Yes, we have. Of course we have. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY GRANTHAM'S BEDROOM - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Robert knocks and enters.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: You look very nice. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Thank you, darling. Did Murray make matters clearer? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Yes, I'm afraid he did. [Cora is disappointed, but she waits for O'Brien to leave before speaking.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: By the way, O'Brien says Bates is causing a lot of awkwardness downstairs. You may have to do something about it. Robert, Earl of Grantham: She's always making trouble. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Is that fair? When she hasn't mentioned it before now. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I don't know why you listen to her. Cora, Countess of Grantham: It is quite eccentric, even for you, to have a cripple valet. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Please...don't use that word. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Did he tell you he couldn't walk when he made his application? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Don't exaggerate. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Doesn't it strike you as dishonest not to mention it? Robert, Earl of Grantham: I knew he'd been wounded. Cora, Countess of Grantham: You never said. Robert, Earl of Grantham: You know I don't care to talk about all that. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Of course, I understand what it must be like to have fought alongside someone in a war. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Oh, you understand that, do you? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Certainly I do. You must form the most tremendous bonds. Even with a servant. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Really? "Even with a servant"? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Oh, Robert, don't catch me out. I'm simply saying I fully see why you want to help him. Robert, Earl of Grantham: But? Cora, Countess of Grantham: But...is this the right way? To employ him for a job he can't do? Is it any wonder the others noses are put out? Robert, Earl of Grantham: I just want to give him a chance. [Cora sighs.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DRAWING ROOM - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Robert enters to find Violet looking out a window.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Mama, I'm sorry. No one told me you were here. [Violet turns around and opens her decorative fan to block the light coming from the electric chandelier.] Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Such a glare. I feel as if I were on stage at the Gaiety. Robert, Earl of Grantham: We're used to it. I do wish you'd let me install it in the Dower House; it's very convenient. The man who manages the generator could look after yours as well. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: No. I couldn't have electricity in the house. I wouldn't sleep a wink. All those vapours seeping about. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Even Cora won't have it in the bedroom. She did wonder about the kitchens, but I couldn't see the point. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Well, before anyone joins us, I'm glad of this chance for a little talk. [They sit.] Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: I gather Murray was here today? Robert, Earl of Grantham: News travels fast. Yes, I saw him, and he's not optimistic that there's anything we can do. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Well, I refuse to believe it. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Be that as it may, it's a fact. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: But to lose Cora's fortune! [Robert scoffs and stands up.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Really, Mama, you know as well as I do that Cora's fortune is not Cora's fortune anymore. Thanks to Papa it is now part of the estate, and the estate is entailed to my heir. That is it. That is all of it. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Robert, dear, I don't mean to sound harsh-- Robert, Earl of Grantham: You may not mean to, but I bet you will. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Twenty-four years ago, you married Cora against my wishes for her money! Give it away now, what was the point of your peculiar marriage in the first place? Robert, Earl of Grantham: If I were to tell you she's made me very happy, would that stretch belief? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: It's not why you chose her...above all those other girls who could've filled my shoes so easily. Robert, Earl of Grantham: If you must know, when I think of my motives for pursuing Cora, I'm ashamed. There's no need to remind me of them. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Don't you care about Downton? Robert, Earl of Grantham: What do you think? I've given my life to Downton. I was born here, and I hope to die here. I claim no career beyond the nurture of this house and the estate. It is my third parent and my fourth child. Do I care about it? Yes, I do care! [Someone enters and Violet gives him a shushing expression.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: I hope I don't hear sounds of a disagreement. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: What? Is that what they call discussion in New York? Lady Mary: Well, I'm glad you're fighting. I'm glad somebody's putting up a fight Lady Sybil: You're not really fighting Granny, are you, Papa? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Your grandmother merely wishes to do the right thing. And so do I. [Carson enters.] Mr Carson: Dinner is served, my lady. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KITCHENS - EVENING] Daisy: Does anyone else keep dreaming about the Titanic? I can't get it out of my mind. Gwen: Not again. Give it a rest. Anna: Daisy, it's time to let it go. Daisy: But all them people freezing to death in midnight icy water. Miss O'Brien: Oh, you sound like a penny dreadful. Gwen: I expect you saw worse things in South Africa, eh Mr Bates? Mr Bates: Not worse, but pretty bad. Daisy: Did you enjoy the war? Mr Bates: I don't think anyone enjoys war, but there are some good memories, too. Anna: I'm sure there are. Gwen: Mr Bates, could you hand me that tray? [Mr Bates gets up to grab it, but his knee twinges and he spills the whole contents on the floor as he grabs his knee. Anna gets up quickly.] Anna: I'll do it. [Gwen clearly feels awkward.] Mr Carson: Ladies are out. We've given them coffee. His Lordship's taken his port to the library. Anna, Gwen, go up and help clear away. Er, Daisy, tell Mrs Patmore we'll eat in 15 minutes. [Mr Bates, Mr Carson, and Miss O'Brien sit at the table.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [The servants clear the table.] Gwen: I keep forgetting, does this go next door or back to the kitchen? Thomas: Those go back, but the dessert service and all the glasses stay in the upstairs pantry. William: Put it on here. [Gwen sets the dish down on the tray. O'Brien creeps up to Thomas in the antechamber.] Thomas: What is it? Miss O'Brien: Her Ladyship's told him she thinks Mr Bates ought to go. She said to me, "If only His Lordship had been content with Thomas." Thomas: Did she really? Anna: What are you doing up here? Miss O'Brien: It's a free country. Anna: Well, I'm going for my dinner. You two can stay here...plotting. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE DOWER HOUSE - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Violet holds a letter.] Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: So, the young Duke of Crowborough is asking himself to stay. Cora, Countess of Grantham: We know why? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: You hope you know why. That is not at all the same. You realise the duke thinks Mary's prospects have altered? Cora, Countess of Grantham: I suppose so. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: There's no suppose about it. Of course, this is exactly the sort of opportunity that will come to Mary if we can only get things settled in her favour. Is Robert coming 'round? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Not yet. To him, the risk is we succeed in saving my money, but not the estate. He feels he'd be betraying his duty if Downton were lost because of him. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Well, I'm going to write to Murray. Cora, Countess of Grantham: He won't say anything different. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Well, we have to start somewhere. Our duty is to Mary. Well, give him a date for when Mary's out of mourning. [Violet hands the letter back to Cora.] Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: No one wants to kiss a girl in black. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY MARY'S BEDROOM - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Sybil puts a flower in Mary's hair as they stand in front of the mirror.] Lady Edith: Oh, do stop admiring yourself. He's not marrying you for your looks. That's if he wants to marry you at all. Lady Mary: He will. Lady Sybil: You look beautiful. Lady Mary: Thank you Sybil, darling. Cora, Countess of Grantham: We should go down. They'll be back from the station at any moment. [The girls file out.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Let's not gild the lily, dear. [Cora takes the flower out of Mary's hair and lowers her voice to a whisper.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: And Mary, try to look surprised. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' CORRIDOR - DAY] Mr Carson: You all ready? [Carson inspects William's uniform.] Mr Carson: Very well. We shall go out to greet them. Daisy: And me, Mr Carson? Mr Carson: No, Daisy, no you. [Daisy's expression falls.] Mr Carson: Can you manage, Mr Bates, or would you rather wait here? Mr Bates: I want to go, Mr Carson. Mr Carson: There's no obligation for the whole staff to be present. Mr Bates: I'd like to be there. Mr Carson: Well, it's certainly a great day for Downton to welcome a duke under our roof. Thomas (to William): Remember to help me with the luggage. Don't go running off. Mr Bates: I'll give you a hand. Thomas: Oh, I couldn't ask that, Mr Bates, not in your condition. [The servants head upstairs and Thomas turns to Mr Carson.] Thomas: How long do we have to put up with this, Mr Carson, just so I know? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON ABBEY, FRONT WALK - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [The servants line up and the family exits the house. William opens the car door for the duke and Robert.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Welcome to Downton. [Mrs Hughes and the housemaids curtsy and the men bow their heads.] Duke of Crowborough: Lady Grantham, this is so kind of you. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Not at all, Duke. I'm delighted you could spare the time. You know my daughter, Mary, of course. Duke of Crowborough: Of course, Lady Mary. Cora, Countess of Grantham: And Edith, but I don't believe you've met my youngest, Sybil. Duke of Crowborough: Ah, Lady Sybil. [They step forward to shake hands.] Lady Sybil: How do you do? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Come on in, you must be worn out. Duke of Crowborough: Oh, Lady Grantham, I have a confession to make, which I hope won't cause too much bother. My man was taken ill just as I was leaving, so... Robert, Earl of Grantham: Oh, well, that won't be a problem, will it Carson? Mr Carson: Certainly not. I shall look after His Grace myself. Duke of Crowborough: Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of being such a nuisance, surely a footman... [The duke looks at Thomas.] Duke of Crowborough: I remember this man. Didn't you serve me when I dined with Lady Grantham in London? Thomas: I did, Your Grace. Duke of Crowborough: Ah, there we are. We shall do very well together, won't we...? Thomas: Er, Thomas, Your Grace. Duke of Crowborough: ...Thomas. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Good. [The family heads inside.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: I hope you had a pleasant journey. [O'Brien kicks Bates's cane out from under him and he falls.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Bates, are you all right? Mr Bates: Perfectly, my lord. I apologise. [The family continues inside and Bates looks up at O'Brien. Anna crouches down to help Bates.] Anna: Mr Bates. [William closes the front door and Anna helps Bates to his feet.] Anna: That's better. Mr Bates: Please, don't feel sorry for me. [Bates and Anna walk around to the servants' entrance behind the others.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CORRIDOR - DAY] Lady Mary: What shall we do? What would you like to do? Duke of Crowborough: I think I'd rather like to go exploring. Lady Mary: Certainly. Gardens or house? Duke of Crowborough: Oh, house, I think. Gardens are all the same to me. [They chuckle.] Lady Mary: Very well. We can begin in the hall, which is one of the oldest-- Duke of Crowborough: No, not all those drawing rooms and libraries. Lady Mary: Well what, then? Duke of Crowborough: I don't know. The...the secret passages and the attics. Lady Mary: It seems a bit odd, but why not? I'll just tell Mama. Duke of Crowborough: No Don't tell your mama. Lady Mary: But there's nothing wrong in it. Duke of Crowborough: No, indeed, I'm--I'm only worried the others will want to join us. [Mary smiles, flattered.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DRAWING ROOM - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Robert enters while Cora is embroidering.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Mary's settling him in. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Cora, don't let Mary make a fool of herself. By the way, I'll be going up to London next week. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Do you want to open the house? Robert, Earl of Grantham: No, no, I'll just take Bates and stay at a club. I won't be more than a day or two. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I see. Are things...progressing? Robert, Earl of Grantham: What "things"? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Oomph. Robert, Earl of Grantham: It's just a regimental dinner Cora, Countess of Grantham: It's a pity Bates spoiled the arrival this afternoon. Robert, Earl of Grantham: He didn't spoil anything. He fell over. Cora, Countess of Grantham: So undignified. Carson hates that kind of thing. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I don't care what Carson thinks. [Carson clears his throat.] Mr Carson: A message from the Dowager Countess, milady. She says she won't come to tea, but she'll join you for dinner. [Cora gives Robert a slightly exasperated look.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Oh, Carson, I hope you weren't embarrassed this afternoon. I can assure you the Duke very much appreciated his welcome. Mr Carson: I'm glad. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Is Bates all right? Mr Carson: I think so, my lord. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Must be so difficult for you all the same. [Carson looks at the floor and raises his eyebrows and leaves without a word.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Don't stare. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' BEDROOM CORRIDOR - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Mary and the duke sneak through the servants' passages.] Lady Mary: Do you realise this is the first time we've ever been alone? Duke of Crowborough: Then you've forgotten when I pulled you into the conservatory at the Northbrooks. [Mary smiles.] Duke of Crowborough: How sad. Lady Mary: No, I haven't. It's not quite the same with twenty chaperones hiding behind every fan. Duke of Crowborough: And are you pleased to be alone with me, my lady? Lady Mary: Oh dear, if I answer truthfully you'll think me rather forward. [The duke steps forward to open the door behind Mary.] Lady Mary: I don't think we should pry. It feels rather...disrespectful. Duke of Crowborough: Oh, nonsense. It's your father's house, isn't it? You have a right to know what goes on in it. Where does this lead? Lady Mary: To the men's quarters, with a lock on the women's side. Only Mrs Hughes is allowed to turn it. Duke of Crowborough: Mrs Hughes... [The duke opens the door.] Duke of Crowborough: And you. [Mary and the duke enter the men's corridor.] Duke of Crowborough: In here? Lady Mary: A footman, I imagine. [Mary seems uncomfortable as the duke opens the door and then enters another room. The duke rifles through the dresser drawers.] Lady Mary: Should you do that? Duke of Crowborough: Why not? I'm--I'm making a study on the genus footman. I seek to know the creature's ways. [Mary laughs, then turns when she hears something.] Lady Mary (whisper): Someone's coming! [Mary stands awkwardly in the corridor and the duke closes the footman's bedroom door as Bates steps out of his room into the corridor.] Mr Bates: Can I help you, milady? Lady Mary: We were just exploring. [The duke steps out of the footman's room.] Mr Bates: Were you looking for Thomas, Your Grace? Duke of Crowborough: No, as Lady Mary said, we've just been exploring. [Bates nods and opens his door.] Mr Bates: Would you care to explore my room, milady? [Mary is embarrassed and ashamed.] Lady Mary: Of course not, Bates. I'm sorry to have bothered you. We were just going down. [Mary walks stiffly back to the women's corridor and the duke follows calmly behind and she locks the door.] Duke of Crowborough: Why did you apologise to that man? It's not his business what we do. Lady Mary: I always apologise when I'm in the wrong. It's a habit of mine. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LIBRARY - DAY] Mr Carson: The plain fact is Mr Bates, through no fault of his own, is not able to fulfil the extra duties expected of him. He can't lift, he can't serve at table, he's dropping things all over the place. On a night like tonight, he should act as a third footman. As it is, my lord, we may have to have a maid in the dining room. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Cheer up, Carson. There are worse thing happening in the world. Mr Carson: Not worse than a maid serving a duke. Robert, Earl of Grantham: So you're quite determined? Mr Carson: It's a hard decision, Your Lordship, a very hard decision, but the honour of Downton is at stake. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Don't worry, Carson, I know all about hard decisions when it comes to the honour of Downton. Don't I boy? [Robert kneels down to pet his dog.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LUGGAGE ROOM - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [William sighs with the effort as he puts down some luggage.] Mrs Hughes: William, you mustn't let Thomas take advantage. He's only a footman, same as you. William: Well, that's all right, Mrs Hughes. I like to keep busy. Takes your mind off things. Mrs Hughes: What things have you got to take your mind off? If you're feeling homesick, there's no shame in it. William: No. Mrs Hughes: Means you come from a happy home. There's plenty of people here would envy that. William: Yes, Mrs Hughes. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LORD GRANTHAM'S DRESSING ROOM - EVENING] Mr Bates: Will that be all, milord? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Yes. That is...not exactly. Have you recovered from your fall this afternoon? Mr Bates: I'm very sorry about that, milord. I don't know what happened. Robert, Earl of Grantham: The thing is, Bates, I said I'd give you a trial and I have. If it were only up to me. It's this question of a valet's extra duties. Mr Bates: You mean waiting a table when there's a large party. Robert, Earl of Grantham: That and carrying things and...you do see that Carson can't be expected to compromise the efficiency of his staff. Mr Bates: I do, milord, of course I do. Might I make a suggestion? That when an extra footman is required, the cost could come out of my wages. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Absolutely not. I couldn't possibly allow that. Mr Bates: Because I am very eager to stay, milord. Very eager, indeed. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I know you are. And I was eager that this should work. Mr Bates: You see...it is unlikely that I should find another position. Robert, Earl of Grantham: But surely in a smaller house where less is expected of you... Mr Bates: It's not likely. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I mean to help until you find something. Mr Bates: I couldn't take your money, milord. I can take wages for a job done, that's all. [They regard each other for a moment.] Mr Bates: Very good, milord. I'll go at once. Robert, Earl of Grantham: There's no need to rush out into the night. Take the London train tomorrow; it leaves at nine. You'll have a month's wages, too. [Bates is about to protest.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: That I insist on. [Bates begins to leave.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: It's a bloody business, Bates, but I can't see any way around it. Mr Bates: I quite understand, milord. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING] Cora, Countess of Grantham: I'm afraid we're rather a female party tonight, Duke, but you know what it's like trying to balance numbers in the country. A single man outranks the Holy Grail. Duke of Crowborough: No, I'm ter-- I'm terribly flattered to be dining en famille. Lady Edith: What were you and Mary doing in the attics this afternoon? Lady Sybil: I expect Mary was just showing the duke the house, weren't you? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Are you a student of architecture? Duke of Crowborough: Mm, absolutely. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Then I do hope you'll come and inspect my little cottage. It was designed by Rein... Duke of Crowborough: Ah. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: ...for the first earl's sister. Robert, Earl of Grantham: The attics? Lady Edith: Yes. Mary took the duke up to the attics. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Whatever for? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Why was this, dear? Lady Mary: We were just looking around. Lady Edith: Looking around? What is there to look at but servants' rooms? What was the real reason? [Thomas is interested by the conversation.] VIOLET, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF GRANTHAM (chuckles uncomfortably) Don't be such a chatterbox, Edith. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I think we'll go through. Lady Edith: I still don't understand-- Lady Mary: Will you hold your tongue? [The men rise as the women exit in order of age.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' HALL - EVENING] Thomas: How long do you think they'll be? I'm starving. Mr Carson: Have you settled the ladies? Thomas: Yes, Mr Carson. Mr Carson: Then it won't be long once they go through. Daisy: Do you think he'll speak out? Do you think we'll have a duchess to wait on? Imagine that! Mrs Patmore: You won't be waiting on her, whatever happens. Mr Carson: There is no reason why the eldest daughter and heiress of the Earl of Grantham should not wear a duchess's coronet with honour. Mrs Hughes: Heiress, Mr Carson? Has it been decided? Mr Carson: It will be if there's any justice in the world. Mrs Hughes: Well, we'll know soon enough. [Anna puts a plate down on a tray.] Mrs Patmore: What you doing, Anna? Anna: I thought I'd take something up to Mr Bates, him not being well enough to come down. You don't mind, do you Mrs Hughes? Mrs Hughes: I don't mind, not this once. Mr Carson: Take him whatever he might need. [Anna leaves with the tray.] Mr Carson: Mr Bates is leaving without a stain on his character. I hope you all observe that in the manner of your parting. William: Well, I don't see why he has to go. I don't mind doing a bit of extra work. Thomas: It's not up to you. I'll take care of His Lordship, shall I Mr Carson? Mr Carson: Not while you're looking after the duke, you won't. I'll see to His Lordship myself. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' BEDROOM CORRIDOR - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Anna takes the tray to Mr Bates's room and sees him crying through the slightly open door. She takes a step back and pauses to consider.] Anna: Mr Bates? Are you there? [Bates wipes his eyes with a cloth and comes to the door.] Anna: I brought something up in case you're hungry. Mr Bates: That's very kind. [Bates puts his cane on his arm and takes the tray and puts it down on a table by the door.] Anna: I'm ever so sorry you're going. Mr Bates: I'll be all right. Anna: Of course you will. There's always a place for a man like you. Mr Bates: Oh, yes. Something'll turn up. Anna: Tell us when you're fixed. Just...drop us a line. Else I'll worry. Mr Bates: Well...we can't have that. [They smile sadly at each other and Bates closes the door.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING] Robert, Earl of Grantham: We must go and let the servants get in here. Duke of Crowborough: I should be grateful if we could stay just a minute more. I have-- I have something to ask you. [Robert sits back down.] Duke of Crowborough: I was terribly sorry to hear about your cousins. Robert, Earl of Grantham: You said. Did you know them? Duke of Crowborough: Not well. I--I used to see Patrick Crawley at the odd thing. I imagine it will mean some adjustments for your...to lose two heirs in one night is terrible. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Indeed, it was terrible. Duke of Crowborough: Awful. But then again, it's an ill wind. At least Lady Mary's prospects must have rather improved. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Have they? Duke of Crowborough: Haven't they? Robert, Earl of Grantham: I will not be coy and pretend I do not understand your meaning, though you seem very informed on this family's private affairs. But you ought, perhaps, to know that I do not intend to fight the entail. Not any part of it. Duke of Crowborough: You can't be serious. Robert, Earl of Grantham: It pains me to say it, but I am. Duke of Crowborough: You will give up your entire estate - your wife's money into the bargain - to a perfect stranger? You won't even put up a fight? Robert, Earl of Grantham: I hope he proves to be perfect, but I rather doubt it. Duke of Crowborough: Ha. A very odd thing to joke about. Robert, Earl of Grantham: No odder than this conversation. So, there you have it. But Mary will still have her settlement, which you won't find ungenerous. [The duke coughs.] Duke of Crowborough: I'm--I'm sorry? Robert, Earl of Grantham: I only meant that her portion, when she marries will be more than respectable. You'll be pleased, I promise you. Duke of Crowborough: Oh, heavens. I--I hope I haven't given the wrong impression. Robert, Earl of Grantham: You know very well the impression-- Duke of Crowborough: My dear Lord Grantham-- Robert, Earl of Grantham: Don't "my dear Lord Grantham" me! You knew what you were doing when you came here. You encouraged Mary, all of us to thinking-- Duke of Crowborough: Forgive me, but I came to express my sympathies and my friendship, nothing more. L--Lady Mary's a charming person. Whoever marries her will be a lucky man. He will not, however, be me. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I see. And what was it you asked me to stay behind to hear? Duke of Crowborough: I forget. [Robert glares at the duke.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GREAT HALL - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [The duke and Robert part ways. Mary waits for the duke as he lights a candle by the stairs.] Lady Mary: Well, aren't you coming into the drawing room? Duke of Crowborough: I'm--I'm tired. I--I think I'll just slip away. Please make my excuses. Lady Mary: I'm afraid I've worn you out. Tomorrow we can just-- Duke of Crowborough: I'm leaving in the morning. Goodnight. [Mary is disappointed. The duke turns around.] Duke of Crowborough: Oh, you might tell that footman... Lady Mary: Thomas. Duke of Crowborough: Thomas. You might tell him I've gone up. [The duke ascends the stairs and Mary processes her disappointment, trying not to cry. Edith approaches from behind to gloat.] Lady Edith: So he slipped the hook. Lady Mary: At least I'm not fishing with no bait. [Mary exits, leaving Edith equally upset.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT] Thomas: I don't believe that. Duke of Crowborough: Well, believe what you like. He won't break the entail. The unknown cousin gets everything and Mary's inheritance will be the same as it always was. Thomas: Well, how was I to know when the lawyer turned up? Duke of Crowborough: You weren't to know. You did the right thing to telegraph me. It's just not gonna come off. Thomas: So, what now? Duke of Crowborough: Well, you-- you know how I'm fixed. I have to have an heiress. If it means going to New York to find one. Thomas: What about me? Duke of Crowborough: You...you will wish me well. Thomas: You said you'd find me a job if I wanted to leave. Duke of Crowborough: Do you? Thomas: I want to be a valet. I'm sick of being a footman. Duke of Crowborough: Yeah, Thomas, I don't need a valet. I--I thought you were getting rid of the new one here? Thomas: I'll have done it, but I'm not sure Carson's gonna let me take over. [Thomas sits down and takes the duke's face in his hand.] Thomas: And I want to be with you. [They kiss.] Duke of Crowborough: I just can't see it working, can you? We don't seem to have the basis of a servant/master relationship, do we? Thomas: You came here to be with me. Duke of Crowborough: Among other reasons. And one swallow doesn't make a summer. Thomas: Aren't you forgetting something? Duke of Crowborough: What? Are you threatening me? Because of a youthful dalliance? A few-- a few weeks of madness in a London season? You wouldn't hold that against me, surely? Thomas: I would if I have to. Duke of Crowborough: And who will believe a greedy footman over the words of a duke? If you're not careful, you'll end up behind bars. Thomas: I've got proof. Duke of Crowborough: Mm. You mean these? [The duke pulls out a bound stack of letters. Thomas dashes for them, but the duke throws them in the fire and wrestles keeps Thomas away as they burn.] Duke of Crowborough: You know, my mother's always telling me, "Never put anything in writing." And now, thanks to you, I never will again. Thomas: How did you get that? You b*st*rd. Duke of Crowborough: Don't be a bad loser, Thomas. Go to bed. Unless you want to stay. [Thomas leaves angry.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MRS HUGHES'S SITTING ROOM - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [Mr Carson knocks on the open door.] Mr Carson: I think I'll turn in. Mrs Hughes: No big announcement, then? Mr Carson: No. Nor likely to be. He's off on the nine o'clock train. Mrs Hughes: He never is. And when we've had a turkey killed for tomorrow's dinner. Well, I wonder what she did wrong. Mr Carson: She did nothing wrong, not from the way His Lordship was talking. Mrs Hughes: So His Grace turned out to be graceless. Hm. Mr Carson: Goodnight, Mrs Hughes. Mrs Hughes: Goodnight, Mr Carson. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY GRANTHAM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT] Cora, Countess of Grantham: If you knew that was your decision, why put Mary through it? Robert, Earl of Grantham: But I didn't know it was my decision, my final decision, until tonight. But I find I cannot ruin the estate or hollow out the title for the sake of Mary, even with a better man than that. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I try to understand, I just can't. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Why should you? Downton is in my blood and in my bones. It's not in yours. And I can no more be the cause of its destruction than I could betray my country. Besides, how was I to know he wouldn't take her without the money? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Don't pretend to be a child because it suits you. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Do you think she would've been happy with a fortune hunter? Cora, Countess of Grantham: She might've been. I was. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Have you been happy? Really, have I made you happy? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Yes. That is, since you fell in love with me. Which, if I remember correctly, was about a year after we were married. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Not a year. Not as long as that. But it wouldn't have happened for Mary. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Why not? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Because I am so much nicer than the Duke of Crowborough. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I'll be the judge of that. [Cora turns off the light.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Just don't think I'm going to let it rest, Robert. I haven't given up by any means. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I must do what my conscience tells me. Cora, Countess of Grantham: And so must I. And I don't want you to think I'll let it rest. [Robert blows out the candle on his side of the bed.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GREAT HALL - MORNING] Mr Carson: My lord, would it be acceptable for Bates to ride in front with Taylor? Otherwise it means getting the other car out. He and His Grace are catching the same train. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Perfectly acceptable. And if His Grace doesn't, he can lump it. [Carson is pleased by Robert's response.] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON ABBEY, FRONT WALK - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Bates takes a last look at the house. The duke exits the house with Cora.] Duke of Crowborough: You've been so kind, Lady Grantham, thank you. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Goodbye, Duke. Duke of Crowborough: You will make my farewells to your delightful daughters? Cora, Countess of Grantham: They'd have been down if they'd known you were leaving so soon. Duke of Crowborough: Alas, s--something's come up which has taken me quite by surprise. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Obviously. [Robert joins them.] Duke of Crowborough: Well, Grantham, this has been a highly enjoyable interlude. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Has it? And I feared it had proved a disappointment. Duke of Crowborough: Not at all. Not at all, a short stay in your lovely house has driven away my cares. [Thomas glares at the duke.] Chauffeur: We ought to go, my lord, if His Grace is to catch the train. [The duke gets in the motor. Robert approaches Bates.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Goodbye, Bates. And good luck. Mr Bates: Good luck to you, my lord. [Robert is discomfited as Bates gets in the motorcar. The chauffeur begins to drive away and Robert turns from heading inside to run after the car.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Wait! [Carson walks briskly towards the car as Robert takes Bates's travel bag.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Get out, Bates. Duke of Crowborough: I--I really mustn't be late. [Robert ignores the duke.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Get back inside and we'll say no more about it. [Bates takes his bag from Robert and heads inside. Robert closes the car door and watches Bates walk back to the house.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: It wasn't right, Carson. I just didn't think it was right. [SCENE_BREAK] [01:04:20,INT. MANCHESTER, CRAWLEY'S HOUSE - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Matthew Crawley and his mother, Isobel, are eating breakfast. A housemaid brings Isobel the post.] Ellen: First post, ma'am. Isobel Crawley: Thank you, Emma. One for you. [Isobel hands a letter to Matthew.] Matthew Crawley: Mm. Thank you, Mother. [Matthew opens the letter.] Matthew Crawley: It's from Lord Grantham. Isobel Crawley: Really? What on earth does he want? [Matthew's jaw drops as he continues reading.] Matthew Crawley: He wants to change our lives.

Plan: A: News; Q: What arrives in April 1912? A: Downton Abbey; Q: What is the name of the show? A: the RMS Titanic disaster; Q: What disaster did James Crawley and his son die in? A: John Bates; Q: Who does Lord Grantham hire as his valet? A: September; Q: In what month does the family receive a visit from the Duke of Crowborough? A: Mary; Q: Who did the family think the Duke of Crowborough was interested in marrying? A: Thomas; Q: Who was the footman that had a romantic relationship with the Duke? A: Matthew Crawley; Q: Who is the new heir? A: a distant third cousin; Q: What is Matthew Crawley to the Grantham family? Summary: April 1912. News arrives that threatens the future of Downton Abbey. Lord Grantham's cousin James Crawley, heir presumptive to the earldom , and his son Patrick have died in the RMS Titanic disaster. Meanwhile, Lord Grantham hires his former batman , John Bates as his valet. In September the family receives the visit of the young Duke of Crowborough. The family thought he was interested in marrying Mary. It is revealed that the Duke once had a romantic relationship with Thomas, the footman. Matthew Crawley, a distant third cousin, learns of his good fortune as the new heir.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Host: "How about gracing us with a number?" Wesley: "The Host, he helps people. Reads their souls, senses their futures." Cordy: "But he can only do it when they sing Karaoke." Angel: "They brought her back. Now I need to know why. Why like this? Why human?" Angel holds Darla at the end of "The Trial", Lindsey burst in and Dru vamps Darla. Dru and Darla at the wine cellar ("Reunion"). Darla: "I believe you said something about - a massacre." Lilah to Angel: "For God's sake. Help us." Holland: "People are going to die." Angel, closing the doors: "I just can't seem to care." Darla bits Holland. Angel locks the doors. Wesley: "What you did..." Cordy: "...was wrong." Gunn: "You went too far." Wesley: "Right now the three of us are all that's standing between you and real darkness." Angel: "You're all fired." Cordy and Wesley, each carrying a box, and Gunn with his hands in his pockets walk out the door of the Hyperion. Cordy: "What just happened? (Turns around to face the other two) Can someone explain to me - what just happened here?" Wesley: "I believe we were fired." Gunn: "Canned." Wesley: "Let go." Gunn: "Axed." Wesley: "Shown the door." Gunn: "Booted." Cordy: "Alright! I get it! - But - wh-what just *happened*? - Fired? Angel *fired* us?" Wesley: "Looks that way." Cordy sets her box down: "Uh. I can't believe this." Wesley: "Let's keep a level head, shall we? - Angel's not been himself lately. Perhaps he'll change his mind." Gunn: "He locked twenty lawyers into a room with a couple of psychotic vampires. I'd say his mind is changed enough." Cordy: "Darla. It's all about Darla. One thing you can say about Angel at least he's consistent. It's always some little blonde driving him over the edge. - (sighs) What are we supposed to do now?" Gunn: "I think I'll grab a burrito before I had home. (Cordy and Wes look at him) What?" Wesley: "No, no. By all means, if you're hungry." Gunn: "Hey, this was just a side gig for me, alright? The extra cash was nice while it lasted, but - Angel wants to go all commando? Hm-mm. No skin off my nose." Cordy: "Well, my nose skin is angry - and hurt! And..." Wesley: "..disappointed?" Cordy nods. Wesley: "I won't pretend to understand Angel's reasons - but maybe he needs to be alone right now. - And the best thing that we can do for him - is to let him be." Cordy: "Alone." Wesley nods. After a moment Cordy picks up her box and the three of them head off in different directions. Angel is moving boxes around in the basement. As he sets one down the top flips off. Angel picks the box up and looks at its contents. The topmost paper inside of it is a portrait sketch of Darla. He takes the box over to the incinerator, opens the door to reveal the fire burning inside it. He picks up the stack of sketches, looks at Darla's picture for a moment, then tosses the stack into the flames and shuts the door. Intro. The basement of the Hyperion. Angel is doing pull-ups on the pipes. Then we blend into him doing assorted other exercises. Angel voice-over: "I'm not ready yet. Too many years spent sleeping in soft beds - living in a world where I don't belong. - I can't fight them. Not yet. - But soon." Holland's wine cellar. The camera pans over a mass of corpses littering the floor. Finds Lindsey, half buried under other bodies. His eyes open, and after a moment he struggles to free himself from the mass. Flash cut to Lindsey sitting in a chair in the cellar. Paramedic: "You've just been through a very traumatic experience. Really, sir, you should be in a hospital." Lindsey: "She saved me." Paramedic as he is taking Lindsey's pulse, while others are putting the corpses into bodybags in the background. Paramedic: "That maybe true, sir, but you should still be checked out by a doctor." Lindsey: "There has to be a reason - why I'm the only one left alive." Paramedic: "You're in shock. You need to see a doctor." Lindsey with a slight smile: "I'm the only one left." Man in the background: "Hey, we got a live one here." Lindsey: "We do?" Lindsey gets up and sees to paramedics help Lilah to her feet. Lindsey: "Lilah." Virginia is sitting on the bed in Wesley's apartment. Virginia: "You got to be kidding me. He fired you? He can't fire you! You're on a mission to protect the innocent. You can't fire someone on a mission. What did he say, exactly?' Wesley taking off his jacket: "You're fired." Virginia: "Oh. Well, can you file a grievance with the union?" Wesley starts to put the stuff in the box away. Wesley: "Virginia, I'm not in a union. I'm a... - I don't even know what the name of my job is! - Was." Virginia: "You're a renowned specialist in, in supernatural aid and rescue." Wesley: "No, I'm just... - renowned?" Virginia: "Well, to me you are. You saved my life. - Although you should be in a union. My father always used union conjurers." Wesley: "I didn't know that." Virginia: "Oh, the wizard community is very progressive." Wesley: "Your father tired to sacrifice you to the goddess Yeska." Virginia: "Yeah, one of the many reasons why I'll never talk to him again. Although I'm healing, thanks to a lot of therapy - and a gigantic trust-fund. - Hey, you know what it is? He's jealous!" Wesley: "Your father?" Virginia: "No. Angel. You had to impersonate him to rescue me and you're too good an Angel." Wesley: "I don't think so. He fired Cordy and Gunn, too." Virginia: "All of you? Why?" Wesley: "It has to do with - Darla being made a vampire again and hooking up with Drusilla and... The three of them have a very tangled past. - My guess is, he'll be hunting them down and he doesn't want anyone in his way." Virginia gets up: "Well, his loss it the worlds gain. You'll get another job just like that! (Snaps her fingers) What else can you do?" Virginia smiles at him while Wesley thinks. Wesley: "Not much." Angel is in the basement, practicing with a sword. Angel voice-over: "When Wolfram and Hart take a life - they do it at a distance. - I don't have that luxury." He stabs the sword down into the floor and kicks the punching bag of its chain. Angel voice-over: "It's time." Angel, wearing his coat, leaves his apartment, takes one last look around and closes the door. He walks down the stairs, across the lobby and, turning the lobby lights off, goes down into the basement. Angel voice-over: "I'm not on their level." Opens the trap door into the sewer. Angel voice-over: "But I can get there." Descends into the sewer, then walks along its tunnels. Voice-over: "And when I do, I'll be right up close. I'll bring the fight to them." Break. Wolfram and Hart's office building. Day. Lindsey leaning on the reception desk: "No messages? No messages, are you sure? Check...(He breaks off and straightens up as Lilah comes walking up) Thanks." Lindsey turns to go and Lilah falls in step with him. Lilah: "You're getting the big freeze-out, too?" Lindsey: "Lilah." Lilah: "Oh, what's wrong, Lindsey? You bitter because your girlfriend didn't slit my throat?" Lindsey: "That might be overstating it. More like bummed." Lilah: "Sorry to disappoint. I take it I'm not the only one feeling the lack of empathy around here." A vampire, walking next to a lawyer, stares at Lindsey's bruised face. Lindsey: "What are you looking at?" Lilah: "No phone calls, no flowers. If I were the nervous type, I'd be nervous. But as it is, I'm just pissed." Lindsey: "What do you expect, Lilah? We're the only survivors of the massacre, it's natural that we're under suspicion." Lilah: "Yeah, you know what I don't like about suspicion? The part where they find us two weeks from now, dead in some freak accident." Lindsey: "We did nothing wrong." Lilah: "I'm sorry, have we met? Because I work for Wolfram and Hart. Responsibility has nothing to do with it. If they are looking for a scapegoat we might as well grow horns and start eating garbage." Lindsey: "Scapegoat. Scapegoat, Lilah?! They're the one..." Lilah puts a hand on his chest and Lindsey falls silent and glares at another lawyer, walking past them in the hallway. Lindsey, more quietly: "They're the ones who wanted Drusilla brought in. I was following orders." Lilah: "And you *honestly* think that matters? - Fine. Indulge your denial. Don't doubt for a minute someone's gonna pay, Lindsey, and we're the only ones left." Lindsey opens the door to his dark office and the two of them stop just inside the door. Lindsey: "Not the only ones." Dru is sitting in the chair behind Lindsey's desk, while Darla is sitting on the edge of it. Darla: "Lindsey. I've missed you. Close the door. (Neither Lindsey nor Lilah move) Sweetpea, if we wanted you dead, you'd have never have made it out of the wine cellar. - Now close the door." Lindsey closes the door. Dru: "He's got cow eyes. Big and black. - Moo..." Lindsey walks closer to Darla: "You spared me. - Why'd you spare me, Darla?" Darla walks the rest of the way to him: "Do you really have to ask? (She leans in close to smell him) Hmm. I'm in love with you." They look at each other for a few moments, then Darla burst out laughing. Lindsey jerks his head a little. Dru and Lilah join Darla's laughter. Darla: "Shut up, Lilah." Dru: "Shh!" Darla: "Well, look at you two, such pretty scars." Lindsey: "You've put us in a difficult position, Darla." Darla: "Hmm, have I? - Smart young lawyers, (runs a hand up Lindsey's arm) hungry for their big break and whoops - boss gets eaten. Someone has to step in. Someone promising, pretty, with questionable ethics and twelve-hundred dollar suits that look good on the six o'clock news." Lilah: "You think they'll promote him?" Darla to Lilah: "Or you. (Walks back to the desk) In any case, that's why you're here. I've decided to - keep the line of communication open between us and Wolfram and Hart." Lindsey: "What for?" Darla: "I believe we can help each other." Lindsey: "I don't think I understand. What is it exactly that you want, Darla?" Darla: "Power. See, Lindsey, during my stint as Wolfram and Hart's puppet, something occurred to me. I *loathe* being used. If I recall I sent you a fifteen-body-memo to that effect. We plan on being big players in this town, Dru and I. - And while you can't give me what I want, you have the things I need to get it. Money. Connections." Lilah: "We're no good to you dead, Darla. The Senior Partners are looking for someone to blame for your massacre." Darla: "But surely they wouldn't kill both of you. Seems like such a waste. - Well, I guess, whoever's left standing will be our liaison." Lindsey: "Liaison to what?" Darla: "To the world above of course. In the meantime, we'll focus on the world below." Lindsey steps closer to Darla: "This power - that you want - does it have a target? - You going after Angel?" Darla jumps off the desk: "Don't say that! - Not *everything* is about Angel, Lindsey. I just want to have some fun." Lindsey: "Well, you see, I'm surprised. Because I though that you would make him your top priority." Darla: "I spent two-hundred and fifty years without Angel. You think just because I went through a little human phase I'd go all gooey?" Lindsey: "No. - No, I thought you'd kill him." Darla: "All in good time, my love. All in good time." The camera pans around a deserted intersection of two sewer tunnels, than up to reveal Angel crouched on some of the overhead pipes. A group of four vampires comes down one of the tunnels. Vampire, laughing: "They were just waiting for us. All crouched and hiding in that little backroom. Generally I don't like to hit the fast food places. The people are all - greasy. But this was like - Christmas!" Angel drops down onto the bragging lead-vamp, which manages to kick him off. Angel charges back in and proceeds to take all four of them on at once. Stakes one. Kicks another one and sends it flying up against the wall. Triggers his wrist stake and dust a second. The lead-vamp grabs Angel and pushes him against the wall, but when it tries to throw him against the opposing wall, Angel runs up the side of it. Using the vampire's hold as a pivot he lands behind it and drives his wrist stake into its heart. The last vamp tries to run off, but Angel tackles him to the ground, then pulls out his sword and beheads the vampire. Angel voice-over: "I'm ready." He drops the bloody sword and starts to walk down the tunnel, taking off his coat and throwing it to the ground. Voice-over: "I've got the moves. Now I need to know what theirs are." At the Caritas bar the Host is singing 'Voulez-vous coucher avec moi,ce soir?' Wesley steps up to the bar: "A bloody Mary, please." Bartender: "You want real blood with that?" Wesley: "Ah, no... bloodless, thanks." Wesley watches as the Host finishes his song to a lot of applause. Host: "Thank you. Thank you. Okay, we'll take a little break and see who wants to come up and sing next." Wesley to himself: "Steady on, Wesley. - Perhaps something by - Cat Stevens." Bartender: "Your drink, sir." Wesley: "Ah, thank you." He turns from the bar just as a woman in a dark coat walks past. Wesley: "Gahh!" The woman spins around. It's Cordy. Cordy: "Wesley." Wesley: "Cordelia. How... odd to see you." Cordy: "Wh-what are you doing here?" Wesley: "Me? Oh, I just... came in for a drink." Cordy: "Ah. Because only demon Karaoke bars - have those. (Gives him a push) You were gonna sing." Wesley: "Sing? Oh, dear lord, no. No. - Uh, I merely... - what are *you* doing here?" Cordy: "Oh. Ah, well... I was, uhm... in the neighborhood?" Wesley: "You live fifteen miles away." Cordy: "Yeah, well, you know L.A. It's all one really - big neighborhood." Wesley with a slight smile: "I see." Cordy huffs and they sit down at the bar. Wesley: "Come to find your destiny, have you? - And who's gonna help you with that?" Cordy: "Shanaia Twain or Madonna. I hadn't decided." Wesley nods: "I suppose we're both rather at lose ends now that Angel has..." Cordy: "...pulled a total wig?" Wesley: "Quite. - I must admit, I'm somewhat embarrassed." Gunn from behind them: "How do you think *I* feel?" Cordy: "Gunn. What are you... (Gunn looks at the floor) What happened to 'this was just a side gig?'" Gunn: "Hey, I got a rep to maintain, alright? I can't have you all seeing through my brusque and macho exterior." Cordy: "Oh, heavens forfend!" Wesley: "So, I'll assume it's not Madonna, but what song were you going to sing?" Gunn pats Wes on the shoulder: "You wouldn't know it." Cordy: "Well, I for one, would just like to point out the patheticness that is us. - This is all Angel's fault. I hope he's happy now. All alone in his demon world with no one to talk to." Merl (stoolie demon from Judgement) is suspended by a rope, head down, from a sewer pipe above a pool of water, and being dipped into it. Merl: "I'll talk!" Angel pulls him back up, waiting. Merl: "But I'm telling you man, I don't know where..." Dip. Merl: "Is that how you get your rock off, you sick..." Dip. Merl: "All right, all right. Alright. I heard about your girls, Godzilla, Darcilla, whatever. Uh... they've been hitting all the underground hot spots. Looking for demons to join some, ah, crew they're running. That's all I know, man, I swear." Dip. Merl: "Okay! Okay. Okay. You didn't hear this from me. But you know that little Bar-and-bite club on La Cienega and Washington? - Ah, that's the only demon haunt they ain't been to. Okay? Okay?" Angel ties the rope off to a pipe along the wall. Merl: "Hey, alright? Hey, hey, hey, you're gonna cut me down, right? (Angel walks off down the tunnel) You're not just gonna leave me hanging here, man? Hey! Hey! I'm spinning here, man. - Freaking vampires." At the bar and bite club. A fight is taking place between a green demon and a vampire, ringed by a crowd of demons watching and cheering. The demon dances around the vampire, hitting him. Finally grabs the vampire in a choke-hold (trying to rip his head off?). The vampire slaps the floor with his hand and the demon releases him. Rhythmic clapping interrupts the cheers for the winner. The crowd parts to reveal Darla, followed by Dru walking into the middle of the circle. Darla: "Wow. That was something. But violence without victims, see, that's where you lose me." Demon: "Who the hell are you?" Darla: "My name's Darla and this is Drusilla. We're new in town though some of you know us by reputation." Demon: "I never heard of you before." Drusilla reaches up from behind him and casually rips off his ears. The demon drops to the floor with a scream, hands pressed to the sides of his head. Darla: "Now you never will. I trust we have everyone's attention? - Good. We've come with a little proposition." From under the shadow of the hood of his gray sweatshirt a vamp-faced Angel glances over the shoulders of the demons in front of him at Darla. Break. [SCENE_BREAK] Darla: "Me and my girl, we're not just the new thing in town - we're the only thing in town. And we're in the market for some... Well, one doesn't really want to use the term 'muscular slaves...' - Actually, one does. Unfortunately for most, we're only looking for the best. Those creatures who not only excel at devastation, but revel in it. Our crusade is one of malevolent joy." Angel moves through the demon crowd, head down. Dru gasps as he slips past the demons standing behind her. Dru: "Eyes like needles." Darla: "Dru, I'm working here?" Dru: "He sees you. Sees what you were. (Gasps and takes a step closer to Darla) You'll never be alone again." Darla: "Stop! - J-just don't." Dru: "He's watching you, my sweet, right now." Darla spins around and looks at the crowd of demons. Darla: "Angel." Darla pushes into the crowd. Dru: "He wants to punish us. He thinks we've been naughty. - He remembers when you were warm." Darla spins around to face Dru: "Shut up, Drusilla!" Dru turns away and Darla gives herself a little shake. Darla speaking hurriedly: "Now, as I was saying, if you think you have what it takes to join us, auditions are tonight, here (pulls a business card out of her cleavage) at this address. Winners will have the opportunity to foment mass-destruction, losers will be gutted and left for dead. (Drops the card on the floor) Have a nice night. (Grabs a hold of Dru's arm and hustles her towards the door) Come on." Angel is standing in the alley behind the bar. Morphs into his human face and pulls he hood off. Leans his head back against a post. Angel voice-over: "I'm not ready." Flash to Darla in the club saying his name and looking around for him. Voice-over: "I can still feel her. - Her pain. - Her need. - Her hope." Angel takes a deep breath and walks off. Voice-over: "I'm too close. - Too close to fight her." Wolfram and Hart's offices, night. Lindsey is getting ready to leave for the night. He picks up his coat and turns only to find Lilah standing in the open door. Lindsey: "Lilah. (Sees the look on her face) Something happened?" Lilah: "I can't do it anymore, Lindsey." Lilah slowly walks in. Lindsey drops his stuff and closes the door. Lindsey: "Do what?" Lilah: "The waiting. - I'm sitting in my office and - every time there is a noise or the phone rings... One of us is gonna die, Lindsey." Lindsey: "Everybody dies, Lilah." Lilah: "But not everybody ends up in a dog-food processing plant in San Pedro." Lindsey: "May not happen to you, Lilah. You got a fifty fifty chance of surviving this thing, just like me." Lilah: "That's not good enough. - There is a way out of this." Lindsey: "How?" Lilah: "We don't wait for them to chose - one of us, we - chose each other instead. If we stick together we can beat them. We could leave (reaches out to caress Lindsey's tie) you and me, tonight. They'd have no choice..." Lindsey: "No choice but to hunt us down, which they would." Lilah: "No. Not if we took files, as insurance." Lindsey: "Take files?" Lilah: "Yes. (Takes a step closer) - Look. I've heard the rumors. We both know - that it worked for you once before. You knew - just what to take. And this time you won't have to assume any of the risk. You just tell me which files to steal and I'll get them. And then - we can get out of here. End this mess - together. - Are you in?" Lindsey strokes the side of Lilah's face and leans in as if to kiss her, while his hand slips down into her blouse and pulls out - a wire. Lindsey speaking into the tiny microphone: "But Lilah, I would never steal files from my employer. I'm shocked at the suggestion." With a snort of laughter Lindsey retrieves his jacket, portfolio and keys. Lindsey: "Forget about the frame job, sweetheart. They're gonna kill who they're gonna kill. (Opens the door) Just take it like a man." Lindsey blows her a kiss and leaves. Cordy, Wes and Gunn are sitting around a table at Caritas. Cordy, voice slightly slurred: "But see, that's what I'm saying. If Wesley hadn't been all shaking his finger..." Wesley: "No, no, no." Cordy: "...and no, no, no, this *whole* Darla-thing would have just, you know, blown over." Gunn: "What?!" Wesley: "Blown over? Angel is obsessed with Darla. Obsessions don't just blow over." Gunn: "Right." Cordy: "Well, you certainly didn't help by making him feel *guilty* about it. You shamed him into firing us!" Wesley: "You blaming this on me?" Cordy: "I'm not blaming... - Yes. I'm blaming you. *You* get the blame." Gunn: "I don't know. If I'd had to listen to you two day in day out snipe, snipe, snipe, bitch, bitch, bitch. - I figure you all got of easy, because I would have killed you." Cordy: "Ha. That's rich coming from Mr. 'I don't take orders - now where do I stick my ax?'" Gunn: "What is that supposed to mean?" Wesley: "Well, Gunn. You've never been very supportive of Angel's leadership role. I remember a certain shroud." Gunn: "Hold up. Hold on, are you trying to tell me this is my fault?" Wesley: "Well, how is the man supposed to run a business if his employees won't follow directives?" Gunn: "Was one of his directives 'hire pansy-assed British guys?'" Cordy suppresses a laugh. Wesley: "My ass is not pansy." Host: "Could I have someone bring you kids another round?" All three: "Yes." Gunn: "What about her? Maybe if she'd had a couple more *visions* Angel would have been too distracted to think about this Darla-chick, huh?" Wesley and Gunn clink drinks. Cordy: "Earth to retards: you have an obsession you pretty much squeeze it into your schedule, no matter what!" Wesley: "Aha! So you admit it's an obsession." Cordy: "No. - I mean, yes. But no." Wesley: "Hypocrite." Cordy: "Ass-pansy." Wesley: "Don't call me that!" Gunn: "You two are driving me buggy. All you talk about is 'this is his fault, this is her fault...' You two wouldn't last ten seconds on the street..." All three talk at once. Cut to the three of them arm in arm on the stage singing "We Are the Champions" by Queen. Cut to the three of them sitting around a table, the only ones left in the bar. Cordy: "Vampires, sloth demons - you what's really, really evil? - Tequila." Wesley pushes some glasses to the side, making a face. Wesley: "I need to be dead now." Host: "Well, well, I can see the maudlin segment of tonight's binge is in full swing. (Takes off his jacket) Now, don't be blue. (Walks around the table) I was *very* impressed with your musical recitation of pain earlier. And when I say pain, I mean mine. (Comes to stand behind Cordy) Although props for singing your little hearts out." Cordy: "Yeah. Our hearts were out. You, Mr. Big - Mojo-guy, are supposed to, uhm, give us guidance now." Wesley: "She's right. We came, we sang, we... fought the urge to regurgitate." Cordy: "So spill already. (To Wesley) Not you. - What are we supposed to do with our lives? (Makes a strange face, like she's about to yawn) Where do we go from here?" Host folds his jacket into a pillow. Host: "Oh - I'd love to tell you, sweetie. But - when the big guys talk, I shut my yap. (Holds his folded jacket behind Cordy's head) And they're about to get *real* chatty." Cordy throws her head back with a scream as she gets hit by a vision. Wesley: "Cordy?" Blurred flashes of a green demon and a girl. Wesley: "Are you alright?" Cordy: "No!" Gunn: "What'd you see?" Cordy: "Ooh. Alley. Not too far from here. A demon is dragging a girl... She's hurt - bleeding..." Wesley gets up: "Let's go." Angel is in his basement, checking his wrist stakes and filling a gym bag with assorted weapons. The phone rings in the lobby. Angel walks towards the reception desk to reach - past the ringing phone to pick up an ax. He turns and heads out, ignoring the phone. Gunn, Wes and Cordy hurry down a dark alley. Cordy: "I don't get it? Are we late? We didn't feel late in my head." Gunn pointing: "Over here." There are splashes of blood on the ground. Cordy: "It's hers. It's got to be hers. But where is she?" Gunn: "If we had Angel, we could track her." Cordy: "He's also kill the big, spiny demon that took her. Did I mention that its teeth are about three inches long?" Gunn: "And us with no weapons? Man, I wish Angel was here." Wesley: "Well, he's not! (They turn to stare at Wes) Angel's walked away from his duty. We're not going to." Cordy: "So how do we find her?" Wesley: "We start with basics. (Walks over and crouches down by the blood) First we examine the area for any tell tale signs for a particular kind of ...eew." Gunn: "There's different kinds of yuuch?" Wesley pulls his hand away form where he had used it brace himself against the wall. It's covered with blood. Wesley: "No, look." There is a streak of blood going up the wall next to a drainpipe, leading to a busted window. Gunn: "He took her up there." Cordy: "But the building is abandoned. The front door was all chained up. How are we supposed to..." They all look at the drain pipe, then up at the window. Darla and Dru are coming out of a demon bar. Dru: "I didn't like that barkeeper. Hmm, can't get his eyes of my fingers." Dru licks her fingers. Darla: "That was the last one. It's nearly midnight now. We should get to the factory." Dru: "My little bird is anxious." Darla: "Yeah, well, recruiting a legion of demons is stressful, Dru." Dru: "He won't leave, you know." Darla: "I don't wanna hear this." Dru: "We could have a thousand soldiers and still he'll come, galloping, galloping, still he'll come." Darla: "Why is everybody trying to make this about Angel?! I mean, for God's sake, can't a woman wreak a little havoc without there being a man involved?" Dru: "You miss him, like a heartbeat." Darla: "I don't miss my heartbeat, Dru. It was a symptom of a disease I've since been cured off. - You know, in a perfect world, Angel would be here right now, helping me burn this city to the ground. This is his job I'm doing. But where is he? Probably flogging himself in a church somewhere." Dru: "Ooh, flogging! Eew, churches." Darla: "In a perfect world we'd be slaughtering the innocent. Laughing as we rain destruction on this whole miserable town." Dru: "I see such pretty fire." Darla: "Fire. Conflagration. In a perfect world there'd be nothing left here but ashes." Dru laughing: "And pain. So much suffering. (Begins to sway) The flames are lovely. They dance, and the fire licks like a cat. And the screams, oh, it's like star music." Darla: "That's nice, Dru. Now hurry up. We can't be late." Angel walks up to an abandoned building. Slides a big garage door to the side to reveal an assortment of different demons waiting inside. Angel's weapons bag drops in slow motion to the ground and he twist the ax in his hand. Gunn is helping Cordy climb into the building through the window. Cordy: "Uh, it's always the same. A smelly, old, abandoned building. Are there no demon hideouts in Beverly Hills?" Wesley watching the room: "Several in matter of fact... Look. Over there." We see a body lying motionless on the floor. Cordy: "That's her. But where is the..." Cordy screams as the demon of her vision drops down from overhead, right in front of them. Break. The demon knocks Wesley to the floor then jumps on Gunn. Wesley to Cordy: "Get her out of here." Wesley picks up a 2x4 and knocks the demon off of Gunn. Cordy to girl: "Come on, we got to get you..." The demon turns towards her, and Gunn jumps on its back. The demon throw itself back against the wall, smashing Gunn in between, and Wesley takes the chance to hit in the stomach. The demon retaliates with a hard right to Wesley's jaw, then throws Gunn over its head into the opposite wall. Wesley whacks it across the back, dropping it to the ground. The demon pulls Wesley's leg out from under him, then jumps on his back and sinks it's teeth into Wesley's right shoulder. Wesley lets out a scream of pain. Gunn gets back up, grabs a chair and knocks the demon off Wesley with it, shattering the chair in the process. Gunn picks up one of the splintered chair legs and rams it into the back of the demon's head, killing it. Wesley picks himself back up and looks over at Cordy and the other girl. Wesley: "We need to get her to a hospital." Cordy: "Yeah." Gunn: "What about you?" Wesley: "I'm fine it's just... (he looks at the hole in his shoulder) We should go before I pass out, or possibly during." Gunn: "This thing nearly ripped us to shreds." Cordy: "Yeah, but out of everybody here, which one of us is the dead one?" Darla and Dru are walking up to the abandoned building where Angel met all those demons. Darla: "I want to make this quick, alright? We get in there, weed out the losers, and get out. I've got precious little patience left." Dru looks at the building: "Oh, it's beautiful! Dank and dark. It reeks of death." Darla with a smile: "That's motor oil, Dru." Dru: "Can we buy it? It could be our castle." Darla: "There's no view. Plus we're broke. Though I suppose Lindsey could help out in that respect, if they haven't killed him yet." Dru: "I like the girl. She's wicked." Darla: "They're sweet kids. Naïve, but they're only human. I doubt they even know what Wolfram and Hart's true plan for Angel is. - But I have to say, my curiosity is peeked." Dru puts her hand on the handle of the door. Dru: "Ten little soldiers, all in a line. A shot rings out (slaps her hands together to make the sound of a shot) down to nine." Darla: "Ten? I'd be happy if we could find three who can hack it." Darla slides the door open and they walk in to see the floor littered with demon corpses and severed limbs and a pile of dust between them. Dru: "Dead already? Bad soldiers!" Darla looks around and sees Angel leaning against the hood of a dusty car, smoking a cigarette. Darla with a slight smile: "I should have known." Dru shakes her head: "A shadow." Dru lifts her hand as if she is trying to wipe away a cobweb in front of her face, never taking her eyes off Angel. Darla: "Why so far away, my love? Why don't you come over here and... stake me? (No reaction from Angel) Angel?" Angel, looking pretty beat up, continues to smoke his cigarette. Darla: "Angelus?" Angel throws down his cigarette butt. It ignites a trail of gasoline. Darla and Dru look down at the flames, see them racing towards them in slow motion, and ignite the puddle of gasoline they're standing in. They scream as they begin to burn. Angel turns around to pick up his bag of weapons, revealing a can of gasoline sitting on the hood behind him, and walks out without looking back. Darla picks up a sledgehammer, leaning next to the door, runs outside and knocks the top of a fire hydrant off. She and Dru stand under the spray of water, letting it extinguish the flames, then sink down to sit on the edge of the sidewalk under it, with Darla holding Dru. Dru: "I'm burning. Make it stop, please." Darla: "Shh. Shh. That wasn't Angel." Dru: "He's gone. He's all gone. Oh - it hurts! It hurts!" Darla: "Wasn't Angelus either." Dru: "Darla, help me. Help me, please! Please. Please." Darla: "Who was that?" Wolfram and Hart. Day. Lilah is coming up some stairs and falls in with Lindsey who is walking along the hallway at the top. Lilah: "Heard about the fire?" Lindsey: "They're still alive." Lilah: "Undead." Lindsey: "Whatever." Lilah: "Heard it was Angel." Lindsey: "So?" Lilah: "Killed a dozen demons, lit up Darla and Drusilla like a Christmas tree." Lindsey: "What is your point Lilah?" Lilah: "Little grimmer than usual, don't you think?" Lindsey: "Holland's vision lives on." Lilah: "Screw his vision. Anybody's going down in here, it's gonna be you." Lindsey: "If that's what it takes." They walk through some glass doors into a conference room. There is a man in a suit sitting at the table, with an open book in front of him. Two dark-clad men standing like guards against the wall behind him. Hunt: "Sit down." Lilah and Lindsey take some chairs further down the table. Hunt: "I suppose you know why you're here. The Senior Partners have decided - that this should be a time of grief and reflection. We will never be able to replace Holland Manners. He was a man of extraordinary talents. - The bottom line is this leaves us with an opening in our roster. We need an executive vice-president of Special Projects. (Stands up) Mr. McDonald - (takes a couple steps closer to the two of them. The guards move with him) - your conduct with this firm had proved spotty at best. You've stolen files, co-operated with our enemy, disobeyed orders time and again. (Lilah smiles) Mrs. Morgan - when you drove away the telekinetic Bethany Chaulk, you lost for us a powerful potential assassin. Not to mention the fact that both of you have been extremely negligent about informing us of visits form certain - ladies - who, lest we forget, *ate* the majority of our contracts department. - The truth is that neither one of you are particularly qualified to run the special projects division. As for your relationship to one another: your competition has been - vicious, destructive and - healthy. We think you keep each other on your toes. Which is why we have decided to appoint you both - as joint acting co-vice-presidents until such time as we see fit to - narrow it down. - Congratulations. This is a big step. The Senior Partners - will be watching you." He picks up his book and walks out. Lindsey and Lilah look at each other. Angel is in the basement of the Hyperion, throwing knives at a target, and hitting the bullseye every time. He retrieves the knives and gets ready to do it again as Wesley appears on the basement steps. Wesley: "I thought you might like to know we're keeping the agency open - with or without you." Angel stands with his back to Wesley, facing the target, silent. Wesley: "You may have turned your back on your mission, but we haven't." There is still no reaction from Angel, so Wesley turns to walk back up the stairs. Wesley: "Someone has to fight the good fight." Angel throws the knife and barely hits the target. He blinks his eyes, then closes them. Angel voice-over: "Let them fight the good fight. - Someone has to fight the war." He opens his eyes, throws - Bullseye. FADE TO BLACK

Plan: A: his friends; Q: Who did Angel fire? A: Angel; Q: Who sets off on a mission to stop Dru and Darla? A: Caritas; Q: Where do Wes, Cordy and Gunn end up? A: the wine cellar massacre; Q: What is the aftermath of Lila and Lindsey being the only two survivors of? Summary: After firing his friends, Angel sets off on a mission to stop Dru and Darla. Wes, Cordy and Gunn are feeling lost and hurt. They end up at Caritas and eventually discover that they just might be able to make it on their own. Meanwhile, Lila and Lindsey deal with the aftermath of being the only two survivors of the wine cellar massacre.

Opening scene - The pool house - Ryan is reading the paper, and there is a photo of Caleb on the front page. the headline reads 'NEWPORT'S MAN OF THE YEAR BEHIND BARS' underneath that is 'Millionaire Developer Embrolled in Scandal'. Seth is in there with Ryan Seth: (points to his hair) do you think I did the right thing, cutting my hair Ryan: I can't believe this about your grandfather, he's in big trouble Seth: yeah I know, the creek an the no paddle (looks in the mirror) damn Oregonian(?) barbers man makin my head to small for my body, how do you work with this mirror Ryan: (looks at Seth) grandpa - front page - jail Seth: yeah no I know (points) I was in that photo I got cut out though probably cause'a my hair do Ryan: (sarcasm) sorry ta see you're so upset Seth: (sits on the step) (sighs) ill survive it'll grow out Ryan: i'm talkin about Caleb (stands) looks like Summer was way off base (Seth looks at him) accusing you of making everything about you Seth: (thinks) my god she is right Ryan: I was jus kidding man Seth: no dude here I am going on an on about my hair cut, my grandfathers in the cooler...i'm like a monster dude i'm all I think about an not in a good way Ryan: there's a good way? Seth: (stands) hey dude talk to me about anything other then me go give me anything Ryan: uh here it is (holds up calculator?) first day of AP physics today, actually kinda nervous Seth: Ryan could you quit fretting over your nerd gear for like five seconds we have a real crisis on our hands unless Summers wrong an i'm not completely insufferable (Ryan looks at him) why didn't you jus tell me then! Ryan: it was kinda hard gettin a word in I mean you're a good talker, but you're not so good with the liste- Seth: Summer is right then I have to due- I have to change I have to be like a better person Ryan: better how Seth: uhh less selfish, more selfless less take more give, less pitching more catching Ryan: look man i'm use to it you don't have'to change for me Seth: no i'm not changing for you Ryan: for who then, Summer Seth: uh nope (shakes his head) no uh uh uh I think for the greater good of man Ryan: so there's no hidden agenda here like sssaayyy getting Summer back Seth: dude I don't even want Summer back, unless...that is what she wants in which case that's not about me that's about...me supporting her an her wanting of-of-of me (softly) whatever (?) that's what she wants ok Ryan: just admit it you want her back Seth: (shakes his head) no no I don't it's the new me Ryan, it is (smiles) world wrap your head around the new Seth Cohen Ryan: you're talking about yourself in the third person Seth: (nods) how is Seth's hair right now Theme Song - California by Phantom Planet We see a beautiful shot of the coast, then we see Sandy and Caleb in the car driving Sandy: ooooh you can thank me later Caleb: (looks at Sandy) thankyou...for letting me sleep the night at jail, it was the most vile most inhuman night of my life Sandy: oh comin from the guy who married Julie Cooper, well that's sayin somethin Caleb: so aside from coming up with your hillarious one liners, what's our next move Sandy: my next move is to meet with the partners, make sure they agree to my takin you on as a client Caleb: why wouldn't they Sandy: well you're not exactly the ideal client Caleb: (laughs) what, rich, powerful Sandy: (looks at Caleb) guilty Caleb: (points) you missed the turn Sandy: no i'm not takin ya to the office, Kirsten's meetin us at the house Caleb: I have a business to run Sandy: who are you kidding (looks at Caleb) we both know with the exception of the under handed stuff, Kirsten does everything anyway, so step down put Kirsten in charge, that's your next move (Caleb looks at him) CUT TO: Harbor school - we see a very basic car in the car park, its making noises and has blackish patches over the paint work. the car pulls into a parking spot and a girl gets out. 2 cheerleader looking girls see Lindsay: excuse me (the girls look at her) i'm new um is it alright to park here Girl: sure, if you're not embarrassed (they both laugh) (Lindsay looks down the walks behind the back of her car, we see the number plate says '101 PCE' CUT TO: The student lounge - Ryan and Seth are standing at the food counter Seth: Ryan what would you like Ryan: (looks at Seth) you buyin Seth: no but i'm letting you order first, I may be selfless but i'm still pretty stingey Ryan: in that case uh lets see, can I have aaaaaaaa (Seth is getting impatient, he has his mouth shut tightly & his eyebrows are raised) (softly) what what'do you got Seth: (whispers to guy) a large coffee (guy nods) (Ryan looks at him) I jus didn't wanna keep him waiting that would be selfish Ryan: iced coffee for me please, thanks Seth: (looks down, frowns) what (picks up flyer) there's a new club at the pier that the Walkmen are playing at (we see the flyer. its bright orange. at the top is the words 'THE BAIT SHOP. underneath that is 'LIVE IN CONCERT' under that is 'THE WALKMEN' under that is the time/place etc) you know who loves the Walkmen Ryan: you Seth: yeah and Ryan: (shrugs) mm-mm Seth: Summer Ryan: Summer who is goin out with Zach Seth: yeah so maybe ill buy her an Zach tickets to the show Ryan: why would you do that Seth: out of friendship an to show her how selfless I can be Ryan: (smiles) and to get her back Seth: I can't hear you (points to his ear) i'm gonna look into this (walks away) Ryan: Seth, your coffee Seth: (picks it up) oh thanks alot ill uh get your next cup (?) (walks away) (Ryan pays and turns around, he turns straight into Lindsay and his coffee goes all over her top) Ryan: oh...my god I am so sorry Lindsay: that was uh refreshing (looks down at her wet top) Ryan: (turns around to get napkins) uhh here let me uh (Ryan turns back and smacks her in the face with his elbow. Lindsay drops her bag) Lindsay: (grabs her nose) ow! Ryan: (cringes, still holding the napkins) I...am so sorry. you ok (bends down to help her with her bag) Lindsay: yeah ill have to uh get a rhinoplasty (kneels) but now ill look just like all the other girls here um I-its ok really uh you can leave my tampons where they are Ryan: (drops them) oh Lindsay: thanks Ryan: (stands, avoiding eye contact with her) is there anything I can do Lindsay: (touches her nose) uh well I guess you could dislocate my shoulder (Ryan looks at her) or shave off my eyebrows, I mean is this how you guys treat all your new students or is today just my lucky day Ryan: can I buy you a coffee Lindsay: (quick) ah n-n-n-n-no please please don't i've (backs away)...had plenty thanks an i'm guessing you have too so um (Ryan looks at her) i'm jus gonna go wring out my shirt and stuff toilet paper up my nose an i'm sure ill have no trouble fitting in now...so...thanks (walks away) (the whole room is looking at Ryan, Ryan closes his eyes) CUT TO: Cohen house - Kirsten, Sandy and Caleb are sitting in the living room together Kirsten: dad we have'to think about the future here Sandy: the only way a company is gonna survive a crisis like this is for the CEO to step down (points) (Caleb looks at him) face it Caleb (sits) its time to get your Martha Stewart on (Caleb closes his eyes) (door bell) Kirsten: oh there's more police...(stands) or reporters or...angry stock holders (opens the door) Julie (Julie walks in) Julie: Caleb, as soon as I saw the paper (Caleb stands) I walked right out of my seaweed wrap an I came right here Sandy: oh that's a heart warming tale Julie: but a relaxing weekend at the montage was exactly what I needed to remind me'a what's important (Caleb looks at her) I know I haven't ben there for you sweetie, but you haven't ben exactly honest with me Kirsten: uh uh we're gonna... Sandy: (disappointed) it was just gettin good (stands) alright (Sandy and Kirsten walk out) Julie: honey (Caleb sits) um (Julie sits) when Jimmy went down our marriage fell apart, I do not want that to happen to us, we're partners which means we share everything, so put me to work, what can I do...talk to the press, make some calls Caleb: Kirsten's taking care of all of that Julie: but she can't do everything, surely there's something I can do (smiles) Caleb: well there is one thing but Julie: name it Caleb: food (Julie isn't impressed) since i'm gonna be working from home we're gonna need some water, some coffee, some'a those pumpkin muffins I like so much...thanks Juju (kisses her on the cheek) (stands) Kirsten, Sandy back to business (Julie rolls her eyes) CUT TO: Harbor school - we see Zach standing in the hall talking to some other guys, the camera pans across and Zach goes out of focus, Marissa comes into focus, then Summer who is standing at her locker Marissa: is it just me or is Zach perfect Summer: (laughs) he's good looking but not into himself, smart but not a show off, athletic but sensitive, a politicians son hey he's like Newport's Prince William Marissa: (looks) yeah the kinda guy parents love (they begin to walk) Summer: hey did I tell you (Marissa looks at her) how stoked my dad is that i'm dating a congressmen's son, he is like dying'to go have lunch with Zach Marissa: so you gonna do it Summer: no way! can you remember what a grade A disaster that was with Cohen Marissa: yeah...but Zach's not Seth Summer: believe me, I know (they are now in the student lounge) Marissa: so then what's the problem, you afraid he might actually like Zach (Summer sits on the couch) (Marissa sits on the opposite one) that you two will live happily ever after (Summer looks over at Zach) with no problems an (shrugs) nothing standing in your way Summer: no I (frowns) no Marissa: ooh so then you're not over Seth Summer: oh I am, i've divested myself of all of Seth's material possessions, I am vibrating Coop at an extremely Cohenless frequency Marissa: ok, so then you don't really like Zach Summer: no I mean yes I don't eww-uh shut up! (Zach comes over) Zach: hey Summer, Marissa (Marissa smiles at Zach) Summer: hey (pats the chair) come sit down Zach: (sits) oh hey Marissa I was really sorry to read about your step dad in the paper today (Marissa shrugs, then looks at Summer) Summer: (looks at Zach) you read the paper Zach: just the uh LA times, the New York Times the Orange County register an the Wall street journal (Marissa smiles at Summer, Summer looks at Zach) Zach: (laughs) uh this relationship is probably over now right ill-ill (Summer smiles and looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at Summer then motions towards Zach as if to say 'say something') Zach: just go Summer: (laughs) no no no no stay um (looks at Marissa) actually we were (Marissa looks at Summer) just talking and um (looks at Zach) (smiles) what're you doing this weekend CUT TO: AP physics - Ryan walks in late and he discovers the only seat left is next to Lindsay Ryan: uh-hm (Lindsay looks up and Ryan looks at her hopeful, Lindsay can't believe it.) Lindsay: you gotta be kidding me Ryan: I know, I know i'm sorry but uh it's the only seat left, don't worry I promise ill keep my hands to myself Lindsay: (pulls her chair in) well it's your elbow i'm worried about Ryan: (walks behind her chair) ah-huh (Ryan hits some guy on a different table with his bag, so he pulls it around to get out of the guys way and hits Lindsay in the head) Ryan: (to the guy) sorry Lindsay: ow (frustrated) why do you hate me so much Ryan: no I don't i'm sorry Lindsay: what'did I do Ryan: (sits) it was an accident Lindsay: no it was like four accidents, six if you count each individual tampon Ryan: look I said I was sorry I don't know what else you want me to say Lindsay: (puts her hands on her head) nothing, infact we never need'to speak to each other again Ryan: that's too bad I was really enjoying gettin to know you Lindsay: well I wasn't Ryan: I was being sarcastic Lindsay: I wasn't (Teacher comes in) Mr. Greenberg: morning guys (Ryan and Lindsay look at each other, neither happy) Mr. Greenberg: your favourite physics teacher here Ari Greenberg, with your new lab partner assignments. we've got Adriana Alberghetti with Philip Raskin, Ryan Atwood with...Lindsay Gardener (Ryan and Lindsay both look around trying to see who there partner is, they both look past each other then Lindsay looks in his direct while he's still looking behind him. he turns back and sees her looking as well. they stare at each other) Mr. Greenberg: Jennifer Anderson with Jamie Barber Lindsay: (closes her eyes in disbelief) (sighs) ...Ryan Atwood Ryan: (looks at Lindsay) Lindsay Gardener (Lindsay nods) (Ryan looks down) CUT TO: Near the pier - Ryan is riding his bike and Seth is riding his skate board Seth: Bait Shop, could be our very own seebee geebies(?) Ryan: (?) what Seth: come on what the only-the only music they had in Chino was the sounds'a gun shots an helicopters Ryan: oooh, lets get the tickets (they ride towards the Bait Shop - camera changes and they are now inside) Seth: hello (cups his hands over his mouth) hello (waves) (we see a girl below them on the ground floor at a computer, she doesn't respond or acknowledge them) Seth: ok (Ryan and Seth walk down a spiral stair case to the ground floor) Seth: hi excuse me uh we're here about tickets Ryan: (points to his ears) she's got headphones on Seth: yeah, I can see that thanks (taps girl on the shoulder) excuse me ma'am (the girl grabs Seth's hand and twists his arm behind his back) Seth: ahhh Girl: touch me again, ill hurt you Seth: ok fine w-what'do you call this (the girl looks at Ryan, she lets Seth go) Seth: thanks Girl: what'do you want Ryan: tickets for Fridays show Girl: sold out sorry (Seth looks at Ryan, Ryan shrugs) Guy: all set Alex Alex: awesome, thankyou so much here are your tickets (hands them to him) and um I threw in a couple'a extra Guy: cool thanks Ryan: uh why does he get tickets Alex: because he works here Seth: well if I work here could I get tickets Alex: you don't work here Seth: (points) what's that right there (we see a 'help wanted' sign behind the bar) Alex: uh you...you wouldn't want that job Seth: no sure I would sign me up Ryan: Seth Alex: you don't wanna know the pay, the hours, job description Seth: (shakes his head) nah i'm good Alex: minimum wage, long, uh taking tickets cleaning toilets an the light preparation of fried foods Seth: well ill be sure an wash my hands between the last two Alex: I have'to ask Nat the owner (Seth nods) but he's never here so Seth: perfect Alex: (grabs mop) ok i'm Alex (slides Seth the mop) you can start right now if I don't fire you by the end of tonight, then come back tomorrow (walks away) Seth: (proud) I have a mop Ryan! Ryan: you got a mop bro, so your doin all this for...Summer Seth: yeah for her friendship Ryan: wow, you really are changing Seth: yeah I am, changing urinal cakes that's (points) how committed Seth Cohen is to the new Seth Cohen Ryan: mm kay now you're talkin about yourself in like the fourth person Seth: well it's a whole new dimension of selflessness Ryan, now if you'll excuse me i'm off to the urinals (Seth whistles and disappears out of the shot, Ryan stands there. a few seconds later Seth walks back passed Ryan,lol) Seth: I don't know where they are (whistles) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Ryan is doing his physics homework at the table, Sandy is working at the table Sandy: (watching Ryan) check out the new Ryan Atwood studying at the breakfast table (Ryan nods) how're classes goin Ryan: tough - physics Sandy: oh physics is...tough Ryan: yeah its not the work it's the students a (points) student to be exact (Seth comes in) Seth: (frowns) god my back...personal growth is sooo painful Sandy: my son doin manual labor id never thought id live to see the day (Kirsten comes in) Seth: hey mom check out this ironic twist of events (points) Ryan is now a science nerd, i'm workin a blue collar job Kirsten: that's nice honey Seth: mom Kirsten: (looks at Seth) oh-oh Seth don't worry your grandfathers situation is very serious but your father an I are handling it Seth: right grandpa, to tell you the truth I haven't even like (Ryan looks at him) um (Kirsten looks at him) ...slept well for the past couple'a nights, sooo concerned have I ben (puts his head down for emphasis) for his well being Ryan: but everything is gonna be ok Kirsten: (nods) right...(to Sandy) right? Sandy: (nods) right Seth: an what if grandpa like, he did have'to go to some white collar prison with-with tennis an Tivo then Kirsten: don't worry Seth it won't affect you Ryan: you wouldn't lose the company Kirsten: no Seth: what about the house Sandy: son (Seth looks at him) that's crazy talk (Kirsten looks at Sandy, Sandy looks at Kirsten. Seth looks at both of them, Ryan looks at both of them) CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Marissa is sitting at her mirror, and Julie is in there with her Julie: everything's gonna be fine, I don't want you to worry sweetie Marissa: (grabs her keys) i'm not Julie: because its not gonna be like it was with your father, i'm going'to hold this family together Marissa: (stands) fine Julie: (stands) Marissa listen'to me, I know that there's alot of uncertainty in our lives right now, but I want you to believe me when I say that Caleb is not going to jail Marissa: (looks at Julie) oh well that's a shame, cause if Caleb did go to jail then you'd be out on the street an I could go back to living with dad (leaves) (Julie stands there) CUT TO: Harbor school - AP physics class, once again Ryan comes in after the bell and the seat next to Lindsay is the only one left. Lindsay gets out of her chair and holds it in for him, he takes it off his bag and holds it over the chair, nowhere near her,lol and sits Ryan: so should we...maybe exchange numbers or something Lindsay: (looks at Ryan) for what... Ryan: to work on our lab report Lindsay: oh uh no I already turned it in (Ryan looks at her) don't worry I put both our names on it, you'll get an A Ryan: funny I thought we were suppose'to Lindsay: yeah I know but uh here's the thing (looks at Ryan) the only reason why I transferred to Harbor was so I could load up on AP courses, get accepted into Yale early an never have'to look at another cheer leader or water polo player ever again (Ryan looks at her) no offence Ryan: uh-hm ok I think you've got the wrong idea about me...you think i'm stupid Lindsay: god doesn't give with both hands (patronising) so take the A, enjoy it, it's my treat Ryan: (thinks) ah-huh (gets up) Lindsay: where are you going Ryan: (walks to the teacher) Mr. Greenberg Mr. Greenberg: yes Ryan: that lab report Lindsay handed in, i'm afraid i'm not quite finished with it yet Mr. Greenberg: well it looks perfect to me (to both of them) nice work, you guys make a great team (Lindsay looks at Ryan) Ryan: actually I didn't get a chance to contribute a whole lot to that report (Lindsay looks down, and puts her head on her hand) an by a whole lot I mean anything Mr. Greenberg: is this true, Lindsay...look guys good science requires team work part'a the assignment is working together Ryan: maybe if we had different partners (hopeful) Mr. Greenberg: no, i'm keepin the two of you together and giving you an additional assignment which you'll do together (Ryan looks down) (Lindsay begins to write her number down) or fail together (Ryan walks back to his seat. Lindsay tears off her number and hands it to Ryan) Lindsay: (sarcastically) oh yeah your not stupid at all (Ryan takes the number and sits down, annoyed) CUT TO: The Bait Shop - Seth is sitting at the bar cleaning individual glasses, behind him Alex is trying to lift up a large crate full of glasses. she barely moves it Alex: (struggling) ohhh uh a little help here, I think i'm gonna have a hernia Seth: I had a hernia when I was little once I had to have an operation Alex: (yells) Seth! can you- Seth: (gets up) oh oh oh sorry sorry (Seth kneels down and tries to lift it with his hands, for some reason he instead puts the weight on his shoulder and carries it weirdly instead) Alex: uh ok (they put it down on the bar) Seth: my legs just went numb, my legs went numb but we're cool (kicks his legs) that's ok right, that's normal Alex: you are so out of your element Seth: no i'm not Alex: what are you even doing here Seth: I need tickets (shrugs) gonna do anything to get em Alex: what are you like a huge fan Seth: yeah of a certain.. prickly brunette named after my least favourite season Alex: you're doing this for a girl Seth: well to be clear i'm actually gettin the tickets for her an her boyfr (can't say it) her boy (heaves) her friend that's a boy, i'm showin her that i'm capable of thinking of somebody other then myself Alex: oh that's sweet, it's pathetic but sweet Seth: yeah that's my niche pathetic an sweet (phone rings) Alex: (answers) what, no mom (Seth looks at her) I don't know maybe...ok well I love you too an say hi to daddy (hangs up) what Seth: ...how old are you Alex: seventeen... Seth: what! really you don't go ta school Alex: I use to, but I got kicked out ooofff Corona, Maderday(?) an even Newport Union (Seth looks at her) after that my parents had enough said go away get a job move out, which I did I got my own studio in the numbered streets and (shrugs) I work here an I've never ben happier Seth: yeah, is this you happy Alex: (smiles) uh-hm look you barely earned these but (hands Seth tickets) Seth: heeeey, right on thanks (looks at them) uh alright Summer's gonna be very stoked (Alex looks at him) on-on the band, I hear there really good live an I think the best thing for our friendship is like a good live band Alex: yeah, as a girl I feel I should probably warn you that thissss whole (Seth listens) little game your planning, she's gonna see right through it CUT TO: Kirsten's office - Kirsten is on the phone and Sandy comes in Kirsten: Mr. Brubaker(?) I assure you that my father is innocent (knock) (Kirsten motions for him to come in) I- no uh he's not in the office but...ill have him call you (takes head set off) oooh I am so happy to see you Sandy: guess who no longer works for Partridge Savage an Con Kirsten: (suprised) you quit Sandy: or got fired...quit slash got fired (Kirsten nods) alotto things were said...none of em good (raises his eyebrows) Kirsten: what happened Sandy: your father (Kirsten looks at him) they said as long as I was representing him...I wasn't workin for them CUT TO: Summers room - Summer is lying on her bed watching the Valley, she's holding a stuffed toy to her chest. there is a knock at the door Summer: its Thursday night no knocking until nine pm (Seth opens the door. Summer looks over at him and Seth waves) Summer: Cohen (gets off the bed) how did you get...in here Seth: uh your step mom (frowns) who's in unusually good spirits Summer: it's the clonoven(?) Seth: that would explain the...eye twitch, listen i'm not gonna stay long Summer: actually you can't stay at all, the Valleys on so you should just Seth: right no I jus- I-I have something for you Summer: well unless it's a plutonium fueled car to take me back to last year so I can never date you, i'm not interested Seth: well ok its two tickets ta the Walkmen tomorrow night Summer: i'm not going to a concert with you (hits him) ass Seth: hey, i'm not going ok, well no I am actually i'm going but i'm not gonna go with you, these are for you an Zach Summer: ...me an Zach Seth: yeah Summer: is this a trick Seth: nope just you know wanted ta do somethin nice, for someone other then myself for a change so hopefully I don't know we can all hang out, we can be friends Summer: (nods) friends Seth: ...if you want (Summer half smiles) anyways enjoy the show (leaves) do you want this (points to the door) closed or Summer: (softly) yeah (Seth nods and mouths ok, then pulls the door shut - in the background we can hear the Valley a little louder then before, some have speculated that its been done on purpose so what is said is ' I think i'm pregnant...with his baby' ) CUT TO: Jimmy's yacht - Jimmy and Marissa are eating breakfast together Marissa: thanks for letting me stay over, an thanks for breakfast you finally learned how to make French toast huh Jimmy: mm anytime, happy to have the company Marissa: I know what you mean Jimmy: yeah, what'do you know about being lonely Marissa: hmm well lets see, my stepfather blackmailed me into living with my mom, my mom shipped my little sister off to boarding school oh an my boyfriend spent the entire summer with a girl who may or may not of ben pregnant with his child and now that he's back he still wont talk to me thanks to D.J Jimmy: who's D.J Marissa: it doesn't even matter since he's not talking to me either (Julie comes up) Julie: Mariss honey (Marissa sees Julie and rolls her eyes) you ready to go Marissa: (gets up) i'm gonna go get my stuff (to Jimmy) back to the goolog(?) (Jimmy laughs) Julie: she knows I heard that, its a little game we play Jimmy: mm-hmm so how's Caleb Julie: fantastic never better (nods) ...facing prison we could lose everything Jimmy: so your gonna divorce him an take his kids Julie: no (sighs) an you would think he'd be just a little bit grateful, show some appreciation for my personal growth (Jimmy looks at her) he only listens to Kirsten an Sandy Jimmy: well...the woman I married wouldn't stand for that, nobody puts Julie Cooper...in the corner Julie: (smiles) (shakes her head) I don't know how this is happening again Jimmy: maybe cause you keep marrying for money Julie: I did not marry for money (Jimmy laughs) well I didn't marry you for money Jimmy: no you married me because you were pregnant Julie: ...you married me because I was pregnant, I married you because...I loved you (Jimmy looks at her) (Marissa comes back out with her stuff) Marissa: bye dad (kisses him on the cheek) Jimmy: bye sweetheart Marissa: love you Jimmy: love you too (Marissa walks passed Julie) Julie: (smiles) back to the goolog(?) (Jimmy smiles and shrugs - Julie smiles and leaves, Jimmy closes his eyes) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan and Lindsay are at a table studying somewhere (library maybe) they are sitting on opposite sides of each other. {Ryan is doing physics stuff and its kind of mumbled so this was the best I could do} Ryan: (sighs) K E equals one half MP squared (sighs) so if gravity's the constant then we pull again these velocities Lindsay: Ryan, what're you doing Ryan: trying to do the assignment (Lindsay hands it to him, Ryan looks up) Ryan: except you've already finished it Lindsay: uh i'm sorry, but if you flunk outto Harbor you can spend the rest of your life floating in your parents infinity pool ok (Ryan looks at her) i'm here on academic scholarship so Ryan: ok what makes you think my parents have an infininity pool (Lindsay looks at him) I mean they do but, there not my parents, I transferred in from...Chino last year I was just like you Lindsay: oh really you were...assaulted by the captain of the water polo team Ryan: (laughs) ok first of all i've never even seen a water polo game, match whatever second of all yeah, yeah I was (Lindsay looks at him) then I took a second to get to know the guy an he turned out to be a pretty good friend Lindsay: well...um...i'm not here to make friends Ryan: yeah well mission accomplished (gives her paper back) Lindsay: (looks at Ryan) ...look clearly this isn't working Ryan: clearly Lindsay: so let's just...look you do the first half of the assignment then ill go over it before I put it together with mine Ryan: then ill go over yours Lindsay: fine, then I guess we'll have'to get together this weekend and go over it together Ryan: (shuts his book) (sarcastically) sounds like the perfect way to spend the weekend, see ya (leaves) (Lindsay watches him leave) CUT TO: Summers bedroom - Summer is getting ready for the concert and Zach is in there with her Zach: (looks at the tickets) the Bait Shop, where is that exactly Summer: (frowns) I don't know Zach: so where'd you get these from then Summer: uh y'know uh Cohen Zach: (looks at Summer) he gave them to you Summer: to us Zach: hmm, why'd he do that Summer: um, well he said he wants to be friends (smiles) that he's tryin'a change um to be less Coheny an more like, well a person Zach: ...don't you think he might be tryin that jus to win you back Summer: (pointed) no...I mean (nicer) no Zach: ok, lets just say (walks over to her) hypothetically Seth really is changing...would that mean you'd wanna get back together with him Summer: (unsure) well hypothetically... Zach: you know what don't answer just go to the concert alone (hands her the tickets) Seth: Zach... Zach: see Seth, no bickering no bantering just talk (Summer looks at him) as much as I like you Summer, you need'to figure this out with him...I need you to figure this out Summer: holy mack...you are like such an adult, I mean your not insecure, your not jealous (Zach smiles) (gasps) are you a robot (touches his chest playfully) huh (smiles) Zach: (smiles) we had a great time over break right (Summer nods) but if that's all we're spose'to be an we've taken this as far as possible (shrugs) jus let me know...kay (Zach kisses her on the cheek and leaves, Summer wipes her cheek) Summer: (softly) kay CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy, Kirsten, Caleb and Julie are around the bench. Sandy is opening a bottle of champagne Caleb: do you think champagne is really necessary Sandy: (pops the cork) absolutely, we need to toast, to quitting slash getting fired (pours) to independence Caleb: you mean un employment Kirsten: oh dad, jus think how much time Sandy'll have to spend on your case Caleb: (?) round the house in his black socks an his robe, I can't wait Julie: Cal, don't you have a toast to make too Caleb: (looks at Julie) no, uh if it's alright um too much champagne I get giggly (Julie isn't impressed) Sandy: when have you ever ben giggly Kirsten: dad, what is it Caleb: ...Julie an I have ben talking and um i've come to a decision...tomorrow morning i'm calling a press conference to announce that ill be...stepping down from the Newport group an appointing a new CEO Sandy: (relieved) oh i'm glad you listened to reason Kirsten: (smiles) dad, wow (laughs) Julie: uh-hh (Sandy and Kirsten look at Julie. Julie is smiling) Caleb: as of tomorrow morning Julie will (Sandy looks at him, not impressed) be the new Chief Executive Officer (Sandy looks at Kirsten) of the Newport group (Kirsten is stunned) (Caleb drinks his champagne. Kirsten looks at Sandy in disbelief, Sandy looks at Caleb) Julie: (smiles) who needs more champagne hm CUT TO: The Bait Shop - the Walkmen are playing on the stage and there are people everywhere. we see a little bit of the band then the camera pans to Ryan walking up the steps to Seth who is taking tickets. Ryan hands him a drink Seth: hey thanks (takes drink) Ryan: yep, any Summer sightings (drinks) Seth: (sighs) no not yet (panics) what if she doesn't show, what if after all this she never knows the blood an sweat an-an other peoples pee that went into getting her those tickets., because Zach took her to like an Incubus concert Ryan: well then you'd be happy for her cause your her friend, right Seth: totally, yeah (Ryan looks over and sees her walk in. Seth looks over as well) Seth: heeey, you came, where's Zach Summer: oh um he couldn't make it Seth: oh that's-that's real- that's too bad um, let me show you to your very VIP seating, it's this way (Seth leads her away and Ryan touches Seth on the back, then puts his drink down - we see more of the band on stage then the camera changes and Ryan is outside walking near the Bait Shop. he looks up and sees Marissa sitting on a bench by herself looking out at the ocean. he hesitates then walks over to her) Ryan: hey Marissa: (turns around to face him) hey, I wasn't planning on coming here tonight, i'm here for team Summer Ryan: i'm here for team Seth (sits next to her) (Marissa looks at him then looks back out to the ocean) Ryan: so what'do you think, Seth an Summer star crossed lovers Marissa: or...better off just friends Ryan: destined to be together Marissa: or just too dysfunctional together to make it work (looks at Ryan) Ryan: (looks at Marissa) I guess only time will tell Marissa: (looks at Ryan) yep I guess (looks back out at the ocean) Ryan: (stands up) you wanna go in, watch the band Marissa: (smiles) the last time we went to a concert it uh didn't turn out too well Ryan: things are different now Marissa: (thinks) well then (stands) come on (touches Ryan on the shoulder) you like this band? Ryan: I like Journey (they both smile) CUT TO: Cohen house - Sandy is seeing Caleb out Caleb: Julies waiting out in the car, you an I are gonna talk later yes Sandy: (mad) i'm not sure I wanna talk to you Caleb: Sandy Sandy: Kirsten is the one good thing in your life, how could you do this to her...after all she has done for you Caleb: I have to think of my marriage Sandy: what does Julie Cooper know about bein the CEO of a multi million dollar company Caleb: it's a figure head position, you said so yourself Kirsten will continue to run the show Sandy: an work for Julie? why the hell would she wanna do that (opens the door) Caleb: what'do you suggest I do Sandy: I suggest you find a way ta make it up to Kirsten, now (Julie honks the car horn) unless you want Julie to be your lawyer too (Caleb looks at Sandy then walks out the door. Sandy shuts the door CUT TO: The Bait Shop - we see the band singing a slower song then before, then we see Seth and Summer sitting together at a table up stairs. Seth: can you see ok Summer: yeah I can see fine Seth: there's no like obstructed views or anything right Summer: (nods) right Seth: ok, I jus know sometimes at shows you can't see so well cause you know tall people stand- Summer: yeah right you know but now i'm jus having a hard time hearing (Seth moves slightly away) (feels bad) but thanks...for getting me a seat Seth: no problem Summer: look Cohen I think we need to really talk (Alex comes up to them) Alex: hey there you are look some guy just puked all over an amplifier an- Seth: (puts his thumb out) i'm on it (Alex walks away) Summer: (frowns) why was that tattooed girl jus telling you about vomit Seth: she's uh she's my boss I actually work here now Summer: what? Seth: yeah (points to his Bait Shop shirt) it was the only way I could get those tickets Summer: but why Seth: well...I needed the tickets to show you that I could be selfless (Summer looks at him) an I needed to be selfless to get you to stop hating me (sincerely) an I really needed you to stop hating me so that we could be friends Summer: (half smiles) Cohen that was really sweet Seth: pathetic an sweet Summer: (laughs) no just sweet (Seth smiles then looks down, Summer looks down. they both look over at the band and Seth looks sad, he looks at Summer. Summer looks at him, Seth looks at her, Summer looks at him and then Seth leans forward and {stupidly} kisses her) Summer: mm (pulls away) Seth: i'm sorry (puts his hands on his head) i'm sorry oh god (Summer walks away) Seth: come on, i'm sor- Summer jus wait a second (follows Summer) (Summer runs across the bridge thing they have, and Seth pushes through the crowd after her. we then see Seth coming out of the doors to outside, we see Summer standing at the railing near the water. Seth slowly walks up to her) Summer: you are unbelievable! Seth: not in a good way, right Summer: I thought you just wanted'to be friends Seth: I do (shrugs) Summer: (looks at Seth) well then what was that, that kiss Seth: I don't know, I didn't mean for it to happen Summer: really Seth: yeah Summer: so this whole night wasn't just a plan to get me back Seth: (shakes his head) no absolutely not (Summer nods) ...unless maybe that's what you want an then- Summer: Cohen (walks away) Seth: what! (follows) come on just wait a second Summer: (turns around, upset) I believed you! how you were changing that you jus wanted'to be friends Seth: I do that's I- (tries to speak but nothing comes out) (Summer looks at him) maybe I jus I cant be jus friends with you Summer: well then I guess maybe...this is it for us (walks away) (Seth stands there watching helplessly as she walks away) CUT TO: The pool house the next morning - Seth looks like crap, Ryan is getting ready to go meet Lindsay. Seth is sitting against the door with his head leaning on his hand Seth: I am sooo tired right now, I-I didn't even sleep at all (sighs) ohhh dude the only thing holding my head up is my lungs Ryan: (looks at Seth) sorry man Seth: (closes his eyes) I handled that Summer situation...so wrong I just...I really should'a never returned her phone calls Ryan: (frowns) she never called you Seth: an I should'a dated other girls Ryan: what other girls (frowns) Seth: maybe if I played her hot an cold, right messed with her mind a little bit then I don't know I think it potentially could of worked Ryan: look man i'm sorry, really I am, and I would love to rehash the evening second by second one more time but i'm late Seth: late for what (stands) Ryan: uhh i'm meetin my lab partner I got this physics assignment (sighs) Seth: on a Saturday, Ryan the whole geek routine was really amusing at first but I think you're takin things a little bit too far Ryan: this chick is goin down Seth: please dude I just need'a talk about me for like several more hours at least Ryan: I thought you didn't do that anymore Seth: no that was the new Seth Cohen, i'm back Ryan Cohen classic red white me, come on Ryan: hang in there, I wont be gone long (leaves) (Seth sighs and falls back on Ryan's bed dramatically,lol) CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Kirsten is sitting at her dresser looking lost and Sandy comes in and kisses her on the head. Kirsten smiles and looks up at him, then she looks down sad Sandy: the light'a dawn make any'a this a little easier to take (sits) Kirsten: (softly) harder actually Sandy: (nods) so what're you gonna do Kirsten: ill tell ya this, i'm not going back to the office...I may tolerate Julie as my step mother but I will not suffer the indignity of her being my boss Sandy: which means as of Monday we're both officially un employed Kirsten: oh there's a concept Sandy: come on, you an me couple'a bath robes some black socks Kirsten: (laughs) the thought of that is sooo Sandy: liberating Kirsten: scary Sandy: forget the black socks, barefoot baby (whispers) barefoot Kirsten: I can't be unemployed I-I can't even take a vacation for more then a week without freaking out Sandy: a vacation with you is no vacation, what with the itineraries an the...sight seeing Kirsten: I just I can't of worked this hard an not have something to show for it...I don't know...cant quit...cant go back there Sandy: I don't know either, but what I do know is (looks at Kirsten) i'm not the one you should be tellin this too (Kirsten looks at Sandy) CUT TO: The mansion - Marissa is lying on her bed with her 'share bear' in her arm, she looks sad. there is a knock at the door, Marissa lifts her head and sees Seth's head peeking around the corner. Seth waves then walks in Marissa: (sits up) hey Seth: hey Marissa: Seth, you're in my room Seth: (looks around) yeah Marissa: ...how'd you get in here Seth: I uh took a left at the grato(?) an then I hopped the fernicular(?) to the dumb waiter (touches her bed post) this is a...nice place Marissa: ...so what're you doing in here Seth: well, when I have a problem Marissa I like to talk about incessantly (nods) (Marissa looks at him as if to say 'and') yeah no that's it I just think I burned out anyone else who will listen so (shrugs) uh-hm, is now a bad time Marissa: i'm game (moves to the edge of her bed and pats the next to her for him to sit) Seth: (sits) (sighs) so...I think I really messed things up with Summer last night...hurt her pretty bad Marissa: yeah, you did Seth: ok not gonna sugar coat this one huh Marissa: (smiles) not for you (pushes him playfully) (Seth smiles) look if you really wanna be her friend...then maybe you should think about (shrugs) just apologising (Seth considers it) you know say you were sorry Seth: yeah I know, I know (nods) sounds so simple when you say it Marissa: (shrugs) I think that's a good place to start Seth: ok, uh do you happen'a know where Summer is right now, I jus have this thing that I gotta tell her Marissa: yeah (smiles) she's at the club having lunch with her dad Seth: oh yeah the father (Marissa realises who else) (stands) cool well i'm jus gonna y'know uh-hm Marissa: whoa Seth you know what, don't go there now just uh give her some space Seth: yeah space totally, I know Marissa: (thinks) hey do you know where Ryan is, cause we had fun last night an I just thought maybe Seth: Ryan's actually at school doing his physics homework Marissa: (frowns) school Seth: (shrugs) yeah I don't know he's kind of a dork now (waves) thanks (leaves) (Marissa waves back then sits there thinking) CUT TO: Cohen backyard - Kirsten is sitting at the table reading a magazine, in the background we see Sandy bringing Caleb out Sandy: she's agreed to supervised visitation, twenty minutes max Caleb: she's my daughter Sandy, I don't need to be supervised Sandy: i'm supervising her, i'm afraid she might kill ya (Caleb looks over at Kirsten, she looks like hell, Caleb walks over and she closes her eyes) Caleb: (sits) ...i'm sorry (Kirsten looks at him) about yesterday Kirsten: so that's it, no second thoughts, your not gonna change your mind Caleb: it's what I have'to do Kiki, for Julie to save our marriage Kirsten: who's gonna save the company Caleb: you (Kirsten looks at him) that's why i'm appointing you Newport groups chief financial officer, cause we all know whoever controls the money controls the company Kirsten: really...does Julie know that Caleb: she'll find out Kirsten: I don't know Caleb: come on Kiki, the company needs you, the family needs you, I need you (Kirsten closes her eyes) Julie'll get bored after a day anyway, wanna go to cardio bar, fashion island Kirsten: ...do I get a raise (Caleb smiles) CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan and Lindsay are at the same table as before, sitting opposite each other. Ryan is looking over Lindsay's work Lindsay: so um...I appreciate what your tryin'a do with the gr- Ryan: (reading) Lindsay, i'm not done reading yet(?) Lindsay: oh uh take your time, I just wanted to let you know that...you didn't do a bad job Ryan: (looks up) your work isn't terrible either...a little rushed maybe Lindsay: (smiles) ...so i've ben thinking um...I owe you an apology (Ryan looks at her) well several actually (Ryan looks at Lindsay, Lindsay looks at Ryan) Ryan: you have'to actually say the words (smiles) that's kinda how it works Lindsay: (smiles) I would like to extend...to you (Ryan nods) a formal acknowledgement that iiiii ...may have um...unintentionally (Ryan looks at her) ...(laughs) i'm sorry Ryan: me too, i'm sorry, i'm-i'm sorry about the coffee an the...black eye an the tampons Lindsay: (smiles) well you can see why I thought you were...intellectually challenged right, i'm jus (Ryan looks at her) i'm really glad that your not uh your uh penman ship (laughs) however Ryan: hey, hey (looks at it) what's wrong with my penman ship (Marissa comes around the corner and sees them together) Lindsay: uh nothing just...next time don't hold the pen between your toes (Marissa stands there and watches them) Ryan: oh well um next time, don't spell cancelling with two L's (holds it out to her) yeah that's wrong (Lindsay grabs for it and he pulls it back) you wanna, you wanna fix it Lindsay: (gets up and goes around to his side) I am- I was using the Canadian spelling (Marissa smiles, then looks sad) Ryan: (Canadian accent) ooh you we're usin the Canadian spellin hey (Marissa turns away and walks down the hall, she has her arms folded and just looks so sad/lonely/lost) CUT TO: Seth walking outside in a suit and tie, he walks up some stairs then we see he has entered the restaurant that he, Summer and Summer's dad had lunch at. Seth: hi i'm looking for uh Roberts table for two Lady: (checks) we've got Roberts for three Seth: great (the lady points) thankyou (Seth walks towards the dining room then stops, we see what he sees which is Mr. Roberts, Zach and Summer at a table together. Seth watches sad - we see Summer laughing/happy {not like she was when she and Seth has lunch} Zach is also laughing with Mr. Roberts and it looks like they are getting on well - Seth watches and Summer puts her hand on Zach's, Zach rubs Summer's hand with his thumb. Zach looks at Summer and smiles - Seth nods and looks away, he pulls on his tie then slowly turns around and walks away, that scene fades to a view of the ocean, the camera moves down so we can see Marissa sitting on a bench by herself, looking out at the ocean (appears to be the same one as before) the camera changes and we see the Bait Shop behind her and Seth walking up slowly. Marissa is sitting with her hands in her lap looking down) Seth: hey Marissa: (looks over) hey Seth: (sits next to Marissa) ...if someone would'a told me last year... (Marissa looks at him) that you an I would be the two loneliest people in Newport I wouldnt'a believed em...well (sighs) at least not the you part (Marissa looks at him sad) (the camera pulls out on the backs of them sitting together - fade out)

Plan: A: Seth; Q: Who gets help from Alex? A: Alex; Q: Who helps Seth prove his friends don't know him as well as they think? A: Summer; Q: Who gives some thought to how she really feels about Seth? A: Zach; Q: Who does Summer learn new information about? A: Marissa; Q: Who is happy to share an evening with Ryan? A: school; Q: Where does Ryan find himself embarrassed and frustrated? A: new classmate Lindsay; Q: Who does Ryan have a run-in with? A: Caleb; Q: Who's legal problems threaten to leave Sandy and Kirsten unemployed? A: Julie; Q: Who makes sure she stays on top? Summary: Seth gets some help from Alex to prove that his friends don't know him as well as they think. Meanwhile, Summer gives some thought to how she really feels about Seth after she learns new information about Zach. Marissa is happy to share an evening with Ryan. But at school, Ryan finds himself embarrassed and frustrated after a run-in with new classmate Lindsay. Caleb's legal problems threaten to leave both Sandy and Kirsten unemployed as Julie makes sure she stays on top even if Caleb goes down.

Act One. Scene One - Café Nervosa. Frasier orders "a tall skinny to go" before briefly sitting with Martin and Niles. Frasier: You know I've only got a moment, you know I've started a very exciting project. Niles: Oh really? Frasier: Yes, you know this is KACL's fiftieth anniversary. I did a little research and found out they used to specialise in live radio dramas. So, I'm putting one on. Dad, surely you must remember those? Martin: Oh sure. Frasier: Yes, people of dad's generation would sit around at night, listening to the radio absolutely mesmerised. Martin: We were simple people. Frasier: All right, dad. Anyway, I've spoken to the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes, to re-create the very first mystery KACL ever aired; "Nightmare Inn." Martin: Oh don't tell me, I know: A bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everyone's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered. Frasier: Exactly, and I'm going to direct. Niles: So, we can stop wondering. Martin: What, don't you think your brother knows how to direct? Niles: No, the trouble is he doesn't know how to stop directing. During our prep school production of "Richard III" he drove the entire cast crazy with his constant critiquing. I seem to recall a delay on the opening night while our Richard chased Frasier around the dressing room, beating him with his hump. Frasier: Oh, that was just a little backstage horseplay to relieve tension. Niles: You'll have an Orson Welles complex. By the end of this week, you'll not only be directing, you'll have re-written the script and be playing the lead. Frasier: I have no intention of performing in it myself. The only re- writing I've done is simply cutting to get it down to thirty minutes. Martin: [reading script title:] "Frasier Crane's Nightmare Inn." Frasier: [snatching script from Martin] It's just a working title! [exits] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Radio Station At KACL, Frasier has just finished his radio show. However, he still needs to remind everyone about the upcoming radio play. Frasier: [on air:] Well, that's our show for today, but let me remind you to tune in on Saturday night for KACL's presentation of "Nightmare Inn." Just set your dials for goosebumps. Till then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding you that [in a ghoulish creepy voice, which sounds down-right hilarious:] you never know what's lurking in the shadows. He gives a ghoulish laugh, and carries on laughing when he switches off the air and as Roz walks into his booth. Roz: Well, that should certainly comfort the woman who called in about her paranoia. Listen, do we have a leading man yet? Frasier: No. Roz: Well, you could do it. Frasier: Oh don't be silly, Roz. It is a juicy part, it does call for a strong voice, but believe me, my hands are full. Gil: [enters] Oh, Frasier, I've had a quick peek at your script and I think I'd be perfect as Bull Kragen, the brutish gamekeeper. Frasier: [looks at Roz in disbelief] You know Gil, I think that's just a bit too on the nose. [Gil agrees] But you know who you could play? Mr. Nigel Fairservice, drummed out of the Royal Air Force under mysterious circumstances. Roz: [to Frasier:] With him playing it, they might not seem so mysterious. [Frasier hits her] Gil: I'll take it. After all, Nigel does have that divine speech in the second act about his boyhood in Surrey. "Romping with his school chums in the fens and spinneys, when the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lambent flame." Actually, I had rather a long peek at the script. [exits] Roz: Gosh, we still have a lot of these supporting roles to cast. Frasier: Well actually, I'm working on that. You know, Jennifer down in accounting is married to a professional actor, who specialises in dialects. I'm thinking of asking him to play six or seven of the smaller parts. Bulldog: [entering] Hey Doc, need one more for your play? Frasier: Absolutely Bulldog, just as long as you promise to promote it on your show. Bulldog: Actually I wasn't talking about me, I was talking about a friend of mine; Maxine. Frasier: Does she have any experience? Bulldog: Are you kidding?! If she had a dollar for every minute she spent on stage... [thinks] Oh wait a minute, she does. Frasier: Well, we do still have a part open for the maid, she only has one line. Bulldog: Does it have any big words? Frasier: No, it's simple; [acting:] "Look out, he's got a gun!" Bulldog: Maxine could knock that line right out of the park. Frasier: Well, OK, but you've got to agree to play a part too. We still need someone for the sinister silk merchant. Bulldog: OK, it's a deal. Maxine is going to be so excited. I gotta remember to pick her up one of those cute little French maid outfits on my way home from work. Frasier: It's radio, Bulldog, she doesn't have to appear in costume. Bulldog: Maybe here she doesn't! Frasier and Roz walk out of the booth and carry on their conversation as they walk down the hallway. Roz: Well, we're getting there. Frasier: Except the lead! I haven't found anyone remotely qualified to play a wily old Scotland Yard inspector. You know, you might be right, Roz, I'll have to bite the bullet and take on the part myself. They bump into Ian, a man who looks and talks exactly like an inspector. Ian: [takes pipe out of mouth] Excuse me, Dr. Crane, is it too late to read for role of the inspector? Frasier: I'm afraid the role has already been cast. Roz and Ian look stunned as Frasier walks away happy with himself. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Later, in Frasier's apartment, Daphne answers the door. Roz, Bulldog, Gil and Mel the actor enter. Daphne: Come on in. Roz: Hello, Daphne. Gil: Hello. Frasier: Bulldog, Gil, right on time. We have to be on our toes tonight, we have a professional actor with us, Mel White, our man of a thousand voices. Gil: Oh, it's a huge pleasure. Frasier: Mel's going to play Hans the German butler, both McAllister sisters, and Pépo the dwarf; a little man with a big secret. Bulldog: The same guy's playing all those parts? Frasier: Yes, he's also playing Bull Kragen the game keeper, and O'Toole the handy man. Do you think you're up to it, Mel? Mel: Just so long they don't all talk at once! Frasier: [excited:] Isn't it lovely to be working with a professional! [to Bulldog:] Bulldog, where's Maxine? Bulldog: Oh, she's home with food poisoning, it's nothing serious. I think she just wrestled in some bad Jell-O. Frasier: Never mind, she just has one line anyway. [acting:] Look out, he's got a gun! [sympathetically:] You think you might be up to that this evening, Daphne? Daphne: [sarcastically:] I'll try! Gil: Frasier, one of Nigel's lines seems to be missing. Frasier: Why yes, I had to cut the play by twenty minutes. Gil: Oh yes, but that line so neatly defined Nigel's character. Frasier: Saying "Gesundheit" after the butler sneezes?! Gil: It shows he's a caring person. Frasier: It's cut, Gil. Learn to let go. Gil: Oh very well, as long as I still have that delicious speech about my boyhood in Surrey. Frasier: Yes that's still in. Gil: "Romping with my school chums in the fens and spinneys..." Frasier: Yes, yes that one. Thank you. All right, I fear we might be running just a bit long still, so I've asked Daphne to time us this evening and also Noel hasn't rounded up all the sound effects yet, so I'm gonna have Daphne read those directions as well. Now that's a lot of responsibility on you Daphne, are you sure you're up to it? [She looks at him as if to say "I have some use"] All right, start the watch. Stage direction. Daphne: Sound of door opening. Roz: [with cheese in her mouth] Inspactar, thank goddies cam. Frasier: Stop the watch. Roz, I have a line here that says, "when she opened her lips I caught a hint of some mixed exotic accent." You will notice it does not say, "when she opened her lips cheese fell out". [to Daphne:] Start the watch. [acting:] This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndike. Daphne: Sound of door closing. Roz: [exotic:] I can't believe any of my guests could be a multiple murderer. Frasier: That's easy for you to say, but my job is to suspect everyone. Please introduce me to your guests. Roz: [exotic:] This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wang. Bulldog: [laughs] Frasier: Stop the watch. What's your problem? Bulldog: Wang? You've gotta give me another name, I'll crack up every time I hear that!! Frasier: All right, all right, how about Wing? That's a great old Chinese name. Everybody change Wang to Wing in your scripts. Daphne: Sound of people changing Wangs to Wings. Frasier: From your line. Start it. Roz: [exotic:] This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wing. Frasier: Do you see anything suspicious, Wing? Bulldog: [Chinese impersonation:] Oh, me no looky, me go very by chop-chop. Roz: Stop! Chinese embassy on line one! You can't say that. Frasier: All right, it's all right, I'll just adjust his dialogue later. Start. Gil: I'm Nigel Fairservice, inspector. I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tragedy occurred. Frasier: Did anyone see you? Gil: Several people. Hans, the German butler. Mel: [German voice:] Ja, I saw zee Gentleman. Frasier: Stop! [to Mel:] That's wonderful, Mel. But he sounds to me just a bit more Austrian than German. Mel: I've done that accent both on Broadway and the London stage! Frasier: Yes, well perhaps they have different standards than I have. All right everyone, from the beginning once again. Now let's try hard people, dig in! And try to find the reality. From the dwarf's entrance. Later, Frasier is finishing another rehearsal. Frasier: "And so the case was closed, and with a grateful shudder, I swore I'd never return to Nightmare Inn." Stop. Time? Daphne: That's 32 minutes, 40 seconds Frasier: Damn! I'll have try to pin some more before we try again. All: Again?! Frasier: Please, we're doing it until I'm completely satisfied, and that reminds me, Mel - I'm still not entirely happy with the second McAllister sister! She doesn't sound spinsterish enough for me. Mel: I see. You also told me that my gamekeeper sounded too cultured, that my Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic, and that my dwarf was too tall. Let me try Hans again, tell me how my German is sounding: "I Q-vit!" [exits] Frasier: Oh, wait! Daphne: Sound of door slamming. Bulldog: So what do we do now, boss? Frasier: Not to worry, I have a plan. [picks up phone] Roz: Oh yeah right, we're supposed to do this thing tomorrow night. Where are you going to find an idiot willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed? Frasier: [into phone] Niles. Daphne: Sound of ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead. Everyone except Frasier chuckles along. End Of Act One. (Time: 9:15) Act Two. Scene One - Radio Studio In the recording studio, Frasier is talking to Gil. Gil: Oh there's your brother, how's he enjoying the prospect of playing six parts? Frasier: Actually, he doesn't know about it yet. He would have never agreed. Niles: [enters] Frasier, you told me you were going to message the script to me this morning. Frasier: I'm so, so sorry. I was tinkering with it till the very last minute, but not to worry. Your natural talent will carry you through. Look, take a look at this. [they walk to Noel beside a bench with strange objects on] Noel is going to give us a demonstration of the sound effects. What have you got, Noel? Noel: OK! This is my door sound: [opens fake door] My thunder screen: [sounds it] Balloons for gun shots: [bursts one] And this plays various kinds of organ music: [he demonstrates] I've also got a gravel box, bells, a rain stick and a coffee thermos. Frasier: What does that do? Noel: It keeps my coffee warm. Bulldog: [enters with Maxine] Everybody, this is Maxine. Frasier: Hello. Welcome. Maxine: Hi, I need a quiet place to work on my part. Bulldog: Oh, you got it baby, why don't you go up here in the booth. [Maxine exits.] Frasier: Bulldog, work on her part?! It's just one line. Bulldog: Yeah, yeah, but she's got that condition. What d'ya call it, it begins with a dis... dis- dis... er? Niles: Distemper? Bulldog: No, Dyslexia, that's it. She's dyslexic. Frasier: And you tell me that now. Bulldog: No, no, no, hey, she'll be great. It's me I'm worried about, I've got some serious butterflies going here. Frasier: Bulldog, you're on the radio all the time. Bulldog: Yeah, but that's me being me. This is acting, it's scary. Frasier: Listen, that's all part of the thrill of the live performance. Butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, scratchy throat, pounding heart! I suppose you have all of those? Bulldog: I do now! Roz: [enters speaking with a numb mouth] Phorry I'm late, Phaser, I just sphent two hours in the dentist chair. An emergenphie, Ohh. Gil: What is the matter? Roz: Novocaine, he said it would wear opph by now. I keep biteing my 'ip. Frasier: Dear God, we've got sixty seconds. Niles: I don't even know who I'm playing. Frasier: Don't worry Niles, I'll just cue you as we go along. Niles: Shouldn't I at least prepare a little? Frasier: Now, listen, your natural spontaneity is your best asset as an actor. What was it the Yale "Daily News" said about your Tartuffe? Niles: Oh, who remembers? [off heart] That I have the magnetism of Marlon Brando, the charm of Danny Kaye and the range of Laurence Olivier. Frasier: All right everyone, places please. [SCENE_BREAK] Meanwhile, Daphne listens to it in Frasier's apartment. Eddie is also there on Frasier's favourite window chair. Martin hurries in. Daphne: Hurry up, it's starting. [ominous organ music heard] Frasier: [radio:] Good evening, this is Frasier Crane to welcome you to KACL's recreation of the original mystery theatre... Daphne: I already know the plot, but I'll try not to blurt out the name of the murderer. Martin: Great! As a cop I hated it when people did that. In the radio studio, Frasier is on air and begins his play. Frasier: In all my years at the Yard, I doubt I'd ever seen a fouler night [thunder sound effect] than that on which I was called out to investigate a double murder at the old inn on the moors. [door sound effect] The door was answered by Miss Carlotta Thorndike. [door shuts] Her face was unfamiliar and when she opened her lips I caught a hint of some exotic accent. Roz: Inphector, ow! Phank God you ca'. Frasier: This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndike. Roz: I can't beweive any of my guests cod be a... mopible mupuder. Frasier: That's easy for you to say. But my job is to suspect everybody. Please, introduce me to your... no, no, never mind. I know your guests by reputation. This must be Mr. Wing, the silk merchant. Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing? [Bulldog freezes on the spot so Frasier covers] Of course, the inscrutable and mute Mr. Wing, who wears a bell on his hat. [goes to sound effects] Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing? [Frasier shakes bell] No, eh? I'll remember you said that. Gil: I'm Nigel Fairservice, Inspector. I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tragedy occurred. Frasier: Did anyone see you? Gil: Several people. Hans, the German butler. Niles: [Frasier cues him, speaking in German accent:] Ja, I saw zee gentleman. Gil: O'Toole, the gardener. Niles: [Frasier cues him, speaking in Irish accent:] It ‘twas himself, and no mistake. Gil: As well as Prudence McAllister. Niles: [Frasier cues him, speaking in an aristocrat lady accent:] Yes, I was taking a breath of air. Frasier: I tried to shake Nigel's alibi, but each witness was adamant. O'Toole! Niles: [Irish:] Faith and it's true! Frasier: Hans! Niles: [German:] Ja, Voll! Frasier: Miss McAllister! Niles: [old woman:] Oh, please hence. Frasier: There remained one suspect, whose whereabouts had not yet been established - Pépo the dwarf, a retired circus performer. Exactly where were you when the murders occurred, Pépo? Frasier cues Niles, but Niles doesn't know how to do it. He even tries to kneel down to appear he is small but realises it's radio. Frasier comes over to the sound effects bench and gives Niles a helium balloon to inhale. Frasier: Pépo, where were you? Niles: [high voice:] I was at the movies. Frasier: At the movies you say, well one quick phone call can verify that! Frasier, still at the sound effects bench, pretends to dial the phone and pretends it isn't working. Frasier: What's this? Dear God, the phone lines have been cut. [organ music] Oh, we were really stranded. Totally and completely isolated from any contact with the outside world. The studio phone rings and Noel answers it. Frasier walks over and cuts the telephone cord. Frasier: The phone lines have been repaired, you say? [uses prop phone] Hello? Wait, they've gone dead again. Meanwhile, Martin and Daphne are listening to the end of the first act. Frasier: [radio:] Who knows what other surprises this night may bring? [organ music sounds, whilst Martin turns off the radio] Martin: I don't remember the plots of these things being so goofy! Daphne: Mr. Wing wasn't mute last night. In the commercial break, Niles is discussing his parts with Frasier. Niles: Six different roles and six different accents, I have a mind to walk right out of here. Frasier: Yes, I'm sorry, Niles, but you're doing brilliantly. Except your Hans could be a bit gruffer! Niles: Don't direct me! Frasier: I'm sorry, you're right. I'm just a bit more worried of being over time. Gil, at the bottom of page fourteen, listen, after your shot just say "I'm dying," cut the rest. Gil: That's my boyhood in Surrey speech! Frasier: Yes, I know. Gil: You can't cut that, you can't. Frasier: Stop whining! We've got a play to do! Gil: I don't care anymore. Frasier: Oh, all right, please, quiet everybody. Ten seconds! Oh, Maxine, be sure to watch out for your cue and please, people let's pick up the pace. [organ music and on air:] Nightmare Inn, Act Two. I was baffled, they all had alibis. Suddenly Miss Thorndike pointed, her eyes wide with alarm! Roz: There's somevon outside that phindow. Frasier: Why yes, Miss Thorndike, it appears to be... [soft music plays sounding like a fairy, Frasier covers] The ice-cream truck! But never mind that, [takes off leaves of paper] suddenly the storm put the lights out. [thunder effect] And we were left with darkness. Then a scream. Maxine: Ahhhh! Look out, he's got a nug! Frasier: A gun! A gun is what he's got. When the lights came back up, a smoking gun lay on the table. The maid lay dead, unable to name her killer. Nigel Fairservice lay mortally wounded. Gil: I'm dying! Frasier: Poor man was gone. Gil: Never again to visit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey, romping with my school chums in the fens and spinneys... Frasier: Just then the lights went out again. [gun sound] Nigel Fairservice was shot again. Gil: Only grazed me. When the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lambent... Frasier: [creates another shot] The final bullet, blew his head clean off his shoulders. All right people, let's try to keep calm although it's hard when the killer is among us. Gil: [walks over and makes the door sound effect] Hi-ho, I'm Nigel's brother Cedric, who I haven't seen since my boyhood... Frasier: [creates yet another shot] And so died the last surviving member of the Fairservice family. In Frasier's apartment, Martin and Daphne are still listening in disbelief. Martin: Boy, I sure didn't see that one coming! Gil: [radio:] Hello, I'm the ice cream man. Years ago I went to school with Nigel Fairservice. We used to romp in the fens and spinnies... [gun shot] Daphne: This is turning into a blood bath. Martin: This is why I prefer TV, you want to be able to see that stuff! Meanwhile, Frasier and the so-called cast are still having troubles. Frasier: By this time, I was more baffled than ever. So I played a hunch; Hans, may I see your fingernails? Niles: [German:] Vy? Frasier: They seem a bit ragged for a butler! Niles: [German:] Alvight, Alvight, I'm not what I appear. None of us is. I'm not a butler, I'm not even... [turns page] German?! [normal:] Sit down, inspector, you are about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you. When we've finished you will know the full dark secret of "Nightmare Inn"! Roz: Are thu thew with phat, Hans? Niles: Be quiet, mother. [organ here] Mother and I moved here when I was a small boy after the... tragic death of my father... Niles carries on with the script whilst Frasier gives some very strenuous directions with some weird actions. Niles eventually loses it. Niles: I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a serpent coiled within a damp... cave... [throws script] That's it! I'm just going to take this gun off the table. [takes balloons and bursts one] Sorry about that, O'Toole, I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle. [two shots:] Or yours, Kragen and Pépo! Could the McAllister sisters stand back to back, I'm short on bullets! [shot] Thank you! What was your name again, dear? Roz: Miph Thorndike. Niles: Thank you. [shot] Ah, and also Mr. Wing. [shot sound with bell fading] And of course, one final bullet for myself so the mystery will die with me. [shot] Ha! The cast go to the drinks. Frasier: Well then, that pretty much wrapped things up! Hans was a mass murderer, who to the surprise of everyone, the case was closed. And with a grateful shudder, I swore I never would return to Nightmare Inn! Organ music plays however the producer signals time left. Frasier: Well, we still have nine minutes remaining. Perhaps we could have a little post-play discussion? Gil, Bulldog, Maxine, Roz and Niles look at Frasier as if to say "What the hell do you think?" End of Act Two. (Time: 21:00) [SCENE_BREAK] Noel is packing away his sound effects when he realises Niles's script on the floor. He picks it up and has a go at reading it into the mike. Roz, listening, silently creeps up behind him and bursts a balloon. In shock, Noel drops his script and falls over. Roz looks mystified.

Plan: A: 50th; Q: What anniversary is KACL celebrating? A: a radio murder mystery; Q: What kind of play does Frasier stage? A: his coworkers; Q: Who does Frasier enlist to act in his radio murder mystery? A: one cast member; Q: How many cast members storm out? A: Niles; Q: Who did Frasier bring in to replace the cast member who stormed out? A: several parts; Q: How many parts does Niles have to read? A: rehearsal; Q: What did Niles not have the benefit of? A: chaos; Q: What does the performance degenerate into? A: the remaining characters; Q: What does Niles kill off? A: nine minutes; Q: How early did the performance end? Summary: To help celebrate KACL's 50th anniversary, Frasier decides to stage a radio murder mystery and enlists several of his coworkers to act in it. However, his constant criticism and over-directing cause one cast member to storm out, forcing him to bring in Niles - who has to read several parts, all in different accents, without benefit of rehearsal. The actual performance degenerates into chaos due to a string of mishaps and the script changes that Frasier makes on the fly to avoid overrunning. Niles finally gets fed up and kills off the remaining characters out of spite, causing the performance to end nine minutes early.

Angela: Are you swallowing them whole? You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue? Kevin: [with mouth full] Yes. Dwight: Brownies is it? Hm. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No thank you, I'll stick with my jerkie. Jim: So why did you come in here? Dwight: To socialize. And inform. Michael: Oh brownies! I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on, much healthier. Ryan: You're taking two? Kelly: Yeah, um, but one of them is for Toby. Michael: Yeah why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica? Kelly: Um, I'm just gonna hand it to him right now. Michael: Heh, okay, weirdo. Jim: Why is that, why is that weird? Michael: She said she was going to give it to him right now. [starts laughing] Jim: [laughing] She's probably going to, cause they sit next to each other. Michael: Yeah, they used to. Jim: Toby works here again. Michael: Oh, can you imagine? Jim: Oh no. Michael: Uhhgh. Jim: You don't know. Michael: I don't know. What? Jim: You should probably just meander back there; take a look. See if he's, see if he's back. Michael: Hmmm, dare I? [laughs] You know what? I'm going to, for old time's sake. [walks to the annex, standing in Toby's cubicle] Great practical joke Jim, you got me to go to the annex. [turns around and sees Toby] Toby: Hi, Micha- Michael: NOOOO! GOD! No, God, please no! No! No! NOOO! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [watching Toby at Phyllis' desk through his office blinds] Look at him. With his stupid face. Stupid... tan. No. Dwight: He looks great. Michael: No. Dwight: Well rested. Michael: He looks worse. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Michael, is everyone okay? Michael: Uh, well I'm afraid not. Toby Flenderson, of H.R., has made a sudden reappearance. David: I don't understand, is anyone hurt? Michael: Not on the surface, no, but I can tell people are disturbed, David. David: Michael, you texted me, 911 CALL ME. Michael: Yes. David: All in caps. Do you know what 911 means? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I learned a while back that if I don't text 911 people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Now what I'm curious about is how you were able to go an entire a week without knowing a member of your staff was there. Michael: I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked whom I loved. Dwight: Also, it's icky back there. Michael: That's true. People say it's icky. David: Okay, I have to go. Michael: David, wait. David: No. Michael: Is there no way we can get rid of him? David: Not without cause, Michael. Michael: I have cause. It is be-cause I hate him. David: You have to get along with Toby. Michael: No. David: Yep. Michael: I don't. David: Goodbye, Michael. [hangs up] Michael: [Dwight comes over, starts to massage Michael's shoulders] Don't do that. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [pours something from the fridge into a bowl and opens the microwave, it is covered in exploded food] Oh, come on! [to the documentary crew] Do you see this? Disgusting. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: So, Tunes, you still gonna buy your old man's place? Jim: Yeah, I am. Wait, how do you know that? I didn't tell you that. Andy: Ehhh no, I was just walking by your desk. I saw some email. I got peepers of an eagle. Jim: That's really not cool. Andy: Kaaw! Kevin: So Jim, you're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in? Jim: Yeah, I guess technically Kev, you're right. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But it's my parent's house, the house I grew up in and yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my mom. It's got shag carpets. I mean you can't blame my parents it was the 70's. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling? And a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building. [tugs and pulls in vain at the clown painting] She's gonna love it. Right? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Could you guys all do me a favor and not talk about this until I tell Pam? Andy: Whoa, you haven't told the misses about the castle? You're in for a spanking my friend. Myself and my lady? - no secrets. Phyllis: Jim, don't listen to Andy. I think it's so romantic. Jim: Oh thanks, Phyllis. Phyllis: Where's your place? Jim: Oh, it's on uh Linden Ave? By the quarry? Phyllis: Ohhh... Creed: Cool beans, man, I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there. Jim: Definitely we should. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [reading from a note on the microwave] "To whoever made the microwave mess[/b]: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable, as they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed." Andy: That is just obnoxious. Oscar: No kidding. Pam: Yeah. Wait, what, the mess or the note? Oscar: The note. So "holier than thou". Angela: Hmm, I liked it. Pam: Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one? Andy: No, the note is way more obnoxious than the mess. Meredith: Sincerely, disappointed? Get off your high horse, Richie. Pam: Just because someone likes things clean, doesn't mean they're rich. Meredith: Yeh, they're rich. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You want to see some really high caliber acting? Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served. [walks to the annex] Hey Toby, great to have you back, man. Seriously, just a, just a real pleasure to see you again. Toby: Well thanks Michael. Michael: You're welcome. Missed you. Missed you as part of our family. Toby: Well that's sweet, I missed you guys too. Michael: So Costa Rica that was - did you have fun? That must have been fun. Toby: Well, um, it was amazing. It really was, thanks for asking. Um the beaches were pristine... Michael: Nice beaches, pristine beaches? Toby: ...and, yeah, the whole thing was incredibly cathartic. Michael: Why'd you come back? Why didn't you stay? Toby: It was actually kind of hard to meet people I found. Michael: I bet, for you. Toby: And uh, yeah, plus it was hot. Michael: [shifting uncomfortably and sweating] Shhh hot, why didn't you get an air-condition--- should have gotten an air-conditioner for yourself. Toby: Are you all right, Michael? Michael: Yeah, I am. I am. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Sream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay, just summarize. Dwight: Okay, fireable offenses include[/b]: workplace violence and sexual harassment. Michael: That's it, that's it, perfect. We will get him to hit on somebody, and then we will catch him in the act. Dwight: I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors. Michael: Mm. Me too. Okay, let's get this started. Dwight: Okay [stands up removes jacket and starts loosening his tie] Michael: What are you doing? Dwight: [removes glasses] I am the bait. Michael: For what? Dwight: Men find me desirable. Michael: No, no, no. Dwight: Oh, it's a good day too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt. Michael: You're the bait for Toby? Dwight: Mmhmm. Michael: No, for one thing, he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim. Or Ryan. Or me. Dwight: Men find me desirable. Michael: Yes, sure they do, Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: When it comes down to it, it's a health issue. I should have written that. Jim: Mmhmm, yeah. Pam: [looks up] Why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me? Jim: Oh totally. Sorry, are we talking about the microwave still? Pam: Are you inching away from me? Jim: No. Pam: Reach your arms out. Jim: [laughs and swings his arm out which doesn't come close to touching the reception desk] I'm always this close. Michael: Pamtown lady sing this song, doo-dah doo-dah. Hello, Pam. Jim may I have a moment with Pam please. Jim: Yes, I just have to take this call anyway so... Michael: Oh, oooh his mistress. No. I'm kidding. No one would ever cheat on you; you are the complete package, Pam. Pam: What do you need, Michael? Michael: Okay, what I would like you to do is take this folded note, and deliver it to Toby Flenderson? I just want you to just react to whatever this note elicits. Do not read it beforehand. Can you do that for me? Michael: Good. [Pam stands up and starts reading note] N-no no no, don't. Pam: "Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle. I'm too shy to tell you that I love you." Michael: Pam. Pam, you gave me your word. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [kissing Kelly against her desk] You did that for me? Kelly: Mmhmm. Ryan: Are you happy you did? Toby: Hey guys that's really inappropriate. Ryan: [kisses for a little longer] What's up? Michael: Um, I got some photos from Costa Rica if you want to see them? Ryan: Yeah, yeah I'll see them. Michael: Toby can I see those? Ooh. [takes photos and throws them on the floor] What's the matter? What's the matter? You scared? Dwight: Those are fighting words. Michael: You mad? You mad at me? Dwight: I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit you. Michael: Do you want to do that? You want to hit me, you want to punch me? Dwight: Hmmm? Michael: Huh? He might do it... Kelly: Punch him, Toby! Michael: I dare you to. Come on. Dwight: Come on. [making karate moves] Baaah! Michael: What's the matter... haaaww! Dwight: Hit him! Hit him, Chicken. Ryan: Yeah, punch him. Michael: Hey hey! Come on, Ryan, who's side are you on? Dwight: Ryan. Come on, man? Michael: No do it, do it. I dare you. Dwight: Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face. Michael: Not, not as hard as you can, just a good, solid punch. Come on! Come oooon... Toby: I'm not going to punch you, Michael. Dwight: Are you really not going to punch him? Toby: No, why would I punch you? Michael: Son of a bitch. Ryan: [as Toby picks up his photos] You should have hit him man, guy was asking for it. Once in a lifetime, man. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day Michael: [mouth full of brownie] Just stop it. You haven't done anything helpful all day. Dwight: There's still one thing we could do to get Toby fired. Michael: What's that? Dwight: [goes over and closes office door] Frame him, for using drugs. Michael: Frame him? Dwight: Yeah, it's illegal, but... everything they do on The Shield is illegal. Michael: I've never framed a man before, have you? Dwight: Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage. Michael: Just seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello. I've seen you guys around. I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. How you doing? [they stare at him] Uhghh, so I guess you know why I'm here? I need to purchase something. Vance Refrigeration guy: A fridge? Michael: No. Uh, I wanted--- I wanted to buy some weed? Some... Vance Refrigeration guy: What? Michael: Grass, weed? Leo: What makes you think we'd have weed? Michael: I heard you drug--- I heard you dealt. Vance Refrigeration Guy: [whispers in Leo's ear] Hey, just hold on one second. Michael: I'm not wearing a wire, so... Leo: Why would you even say that? Vance Refrigeration Guy: [comes back up to Michael] Hey, that's gonna be 500 dollars. Michael: How much? How many pounds is it? Vance Refrigeration Guy: It's- it's two pounds. I'm losing money on this man just, give me the money. Alright, walk away. Leo: Walk away. Vance Refrigeration Guy: Walk away. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Hey, Pam? I just wanted to let you know; I'm totally on your side with the whole microwave situation. Pam: Thank you. Ryan: I was just back there, to make some cup-o-soup; the thing is still a huge mess. Pam: I know, can you believe it? Ryan: Yeah, it's crazy. But, I guess the thing is at some point, notes or no notes, someone's gonna have to just get there and clean it up. Pam: I guess that's why we have a temp, huh? Ryan: Ah ha ha, oh no, trust me. I would just make it worse. Pam: How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse? Ryan: I--- I would find a way. Pam: You've seen things cleaned before though, right? Ryan: I--- Pam, I am hopeless at that stuff I... I, uh... [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Hi, Michael. Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Hey. I forgot... I forgot... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [on a cell phone in the hallway] Yes, I repeat a drug dealer is on the premisis of Dunder Mifflin. His name is Toby Flenderson [Michael opens Toby's desk drawer and puts something in it] and he recently returned from a mysterious vacation in Central America. I have risked a great deal to tell you this information. My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew Bernard, that's my name. See you soon. [SCENE_BREAK] Police Officer 1: Hi, we received a call? Pam: I don't know anything about that. Police Officer 1: We were tipped off about a possible narcotics situation. Pam: Here? Dwight: Hey, Pam. Hey I got this, okay? Hello, officers, Dwight Schrute, former volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Listen, I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office. [leads them back towards the annex as Creed stands up and starts to put him hands up and then relaxes them behind his ears] [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Those are real cops, real guns. I wonder what's going on. [follows them] Dwight: Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator. Toby: Hey, what is this? Dwight: Search his things. Police Officer 2: Sir, can you step away from your desk please? Toby: Why? Police Officer 2: Sir, please step away from your desk. Toby: Hey, what's going on? You don't have my permission to do this. Dwight: They don't need your permission, Flenderson, they've got the company's permission. Toby: Hey, hey what are- why are you doing this? Michael: Uh, you know what? I think that this... uh, this is probably a misunderstanding. Toby: Don't search my stuff. Police Officer 1: Sir? Toby: I have a reasonable right to privacy. Dwight: Save your whining for the jury there, Flenderson. Toby: Michael! Michael: Yeah, let's just cancel this, okay? Police Officer 1: Sir, did you recently return from a trip to Central America? Toby: Oh my God! Michael: No, no no no... No, no. Toby: That was... I went to Costa Rica for a few months. What is going on? Michael: No, that was... that was legitimate. That was totally legitimate. Police Officer 1: Really? Police Officer 2: Check this out. Michael: Oh God! Toby: That is not mine. I have never seen that before. Michael: No, no no no no. Police Officer 1: Turn around. Toby: What is going on here? Michael: God! No, that's not... I don't know what that is. And I... I bet he has nothing to do with that! Police Officer 1: Do you have any weapons? Toby: Of course not! Michael: Ahh, that's mine. Dwight: No! Michael, no! Michael: Yes, it's mine. Police Officer 2: Some basil. Salad dressing, I think. Police Officer 1: Salad dressing? Police Officer 2: Yeah it's, uh, a caprese salad. There's a little bit of, uh, mozerella right there. Michael: Are you kidding me? That's my salad. Dwight: So wait a minute, there's no drugs? Police Officer 2: No. Dwight: Gahh, dammit! [punches file cabinet] Come on! Police Officer 1: We got a fake tip. Dwight: Wait, officers, are you sure you don't want to interrogate him? Police Officer 1: No. Dwight: [following them out] You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation. Why don't you use them? Michael: You must feel pretty good about yourself right now. Toby: I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael. Michael: Hmm. Toby: Did you? Michael: Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad... anywhere. Toby: You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff. Michael: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about? You're... you're worried about the cop's time? You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? Dah, God! Welcome back, jerky jerk-face. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You said you were leaving and you made liars out of all of us. So... Toby: I did leave. Michael: Yes, you did. And then you came back, which makes you the biggest liar of... history. Toby: Well, I don't see it that way. Michael: Do you want to hear a lie? Toby: What? Michael: I think you're great. You're my best friend. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [stops kissing Kelly] I can't do this. Kelly: Can't do what? Ryan: It's not fair to you. And it's really not fair to me. Kelly: Wait, what are you saying? I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you. Ryan: That was your choice; don't put that on me. I'm just going on a little trip. Kelly: Oh, can I come? Ryan: It's not that kind of trip. I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school, well, a high school. And if I don't do it now I'll never get to go. And I'll always resent you for it... you don't want me to resent you, do you? Kelly: So you're dumping me? Ryan: Let's be adults about this. Let's have s*x one more time. And if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing. Kelly: Okay? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [walking out of the building] Hey, do you mind if we make a stop on the way home? Pam: Sure. Jim: Cool. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [getting out of the car] What are we doing at your parent's house? Jim: I have a surprise for you. All right, ready? Close your eyes and now [spins her around once] open your eyes. Tadah! Pam: I don't get it. Jim: I bought it. It's ours. Let's go inside, I'll show you inside. [walking inside] So if you can believe it I did it without a realtor. Saving on closing costs is good and, uh, we can put all the money to de-shag the carpet. Which I think will help, the color situation. [Pam walks over to the clown painting on the wall] Yeah, I am really sorry about this. I tried to move it but he is really nailed in there. Worried about art theft, I guess, lot of art theives in this neighborhood. [upstairs] This is the master bedroom but, I'm actually not allowed in here so... [shuts the door] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [outside] So I'm still in the process of converting the garage. It's got great light in here and I'm thinking, it could be perfect [opens garage door] for an art studio. [Pam looks around and then looks at him] Look, I know, I bought this without asking you and it's doesn't look great, I know that. And if you really hate it, I totally understand it's just--- Pam: I love it. Jim: You do? Pam: Yeah, I love it! Jim: Really? Pam: I mean, you bought me a house! Jim: Oh my God... Pam: You bought me a house! Jim: Yeah, I did. [they kiss] Pam: Um, do we have to sleep in your parent's bedroom? Jim: No, No, we'll just board that up. It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about. Pam: And the clown? Jim: Yeah, I can't... really can't move him. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting[/b]: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Plan: A: HR Rep Toby; Q: Who returns from Costa Rica? A: Michael insane; Q: Who does Toby drive insane? A: Dwight; Q: Who helps Michael plant drugs in Toby's desk? A: Pam; Q: Who is upset about the microwave? A: the microwave; Q: What did someone make a mess in? A: Jim; Q: Who surprises Pam by buying his parents' old house? A: '70s; Q: What decade was Jim's parents' house decorated in? A: Thailand; Q: Where does Ryan go after breaking up with Kelly? Summary: HR Rep Toby returns from Costa Rica , driving Michael insane. He and Dwight attempt to get Toby fired for cause by planting "drugs" (actually caprese salad ) in Toby's desk. Pam is upset that someone in the office has made a mess in the microwave and will not clean it up. Jim surprises Pam by buying his parents' old house; despite its '70s decor, Pam loves it. Ryan breaks up with Kelly to travel to Thailand .

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars... At his desk, Keith takes the picture Veronica passes to him in 212 "Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle." KEITH: That's Terrence Cook and, uh... VERONICA: Miss Dumas, the journalism teacher. KEITH: Who died in the bus crash. VERONICA: He also has some gambling issues. Dr. Griffith approaches Lamb on election night in 206 "Rat Saw God." GRIFFITH: I have information about that Mexican kid who got killed. Veronica brings Logan up to speed in 207 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner." VERONICA: Your 9-1-1 caller, a.k.a. Tom Griffith, is Dr. Tom Griffith. Veronica continues her briefing at her locker in 208 "Ahoy, Mateys!" VERONICA: Our favorite plastic surgeon... Cut to Logan kissing Hannah in 213 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough." VERONICA: [offscreen] ...seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks. Hannah pulls away from Logan and climbs into the waiting car. HANNAH: Hey, Daddy. Veronica questions Ryan in 208 "Ahoy, Mateys!" VERONICA: So you guys were, like, a couple, or...? RYAN: I was madly in love and a hundred percent gay. Dick backs away from the transvestite, pointing at the beauty's crotch. DICK: What is that! MILF: What do you call yours? End previously. EXT - NEPTUNE STREET - NIGHT. Music: "On the 54" by the Dandelions. LYRICS: Yeah,yeah, check it out now Check it out now, come on, check it out, yeah Check it out now, check it out now, Come on, check it out, yeah Check it out now, check it out now, Come on, check it out, yeah Check it out now, check it out now, Come on, check it out, yeah A battered car pulls up three feet away from the side of the street. Corny exits, grooving to the tune on his iPod, dressed in the red shirt and cap of Cho's Pizzas and carrying three large pizza boxes. He spins in time to the music, before carrying along the side of a house. Movement can be seen behind him. A taser is shoved onto the back of his neck. He grunts and falls, unconscious. End music: "On the 54" by the Dandelions. EXT - NEPTUNE HIGH SCHOOL (NHS), CAR PARK - DAY. The LeBaron, top down, pulls into a space. A red sports car, its top also down, pulls into the space next to the LeBaron as Veronica climbs out of the car. It's Dick who manages to ding the LeBaron with his car door as he jumps out. VERONICA: Dick, you totally nailed me. DICK: Oh, man, so you're the fingernails chick from my New Year's party. Veronica grimaces at her poor choice of words. DICK: I did nail you. That's funny, I remember you taller and less uppity. VERONICA: My car, just now. Dick glances back, unperturbed. DICK: Oh, jeez. Maybe we should get the highway patrol down here and take some pictures or something. Veronica marches to the spot. DICK: Gimme a break, I barely even touched your stupid door. VERONICA: You left some paint. Look. DICK: That's only like the most valuable thing on your car. Unseen by both, a couple of lettered jocks stop to observe them. The first is the same guy who was so keen to dump Jackie in the water in 213 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough" because one of his friends died on the bus. The second, Kelly, is the wanna score boy who tried to buy coke off Weevil in 208 "Ahoy, Mateys!" BASEBALL PLAYER: You might want to frisk her before you get in the back seat. KELLY: She could be smuggling junk. DICK: You're ones to talk. Baseball players, right? Remind me, which one of you pitches and which one catches? KELLY: Relax, Dick, we're not saying that you're gay. I mean, just because you make out with a dude here and there. Kelly laughs. Veronica curls her lip in disdain and walks away. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - DAY. Tucked away in a corner, Logan watches a student get a drink from a machine. The kid stops to open it as Logan fixes him with a stare. LOGAN: Strawberry soda, fine choice. GUY: Mmm-hmm. Logan continues to stare until the kid gets the message and walks away. Logan returns to the side of the snack dispenser next to the drinks machine to where Hannah is waiting for him. LOGAN: So where were we? She grins. LOGAN: Oh yes, I remember. They start kissing. HANNAH: You sure you don't want to take this somewhere else more private? Like...the trunk of your car? LOGAN: Mmm. It's called a stolen moment because we're sneaky about it. HANNAH: Ever consider that you're not as notorious as you think you are? LOGAN: Oh, come on, admit it, your dad went off on you for getting cuddly with me at the carnival, right? HANNAH: My dad didn't say a thing. This surprises Logan, though he hides it from Hannah. He shrugs. LOGAN: Hmm. Well maybe it's just that I really want to be alone with you. HANNAH: So when do you want to be alone with me again? LOGAN: I don't know. Saturday? HANNAH: I'm staying at my dad's this weekend. You can come by and watch a movie if you want. He kisses her nose. LOGAN: I want. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS (MI) - DAY. Terrence Cook is pacing in Keith's office. TERRENCE: I got Lamb turning my house upside-down. I got the paparazzi following me day and night, just waiting for me to fall apart and make a run for it in my Bronco. I swear, there's a news chopper following me around. KEITH: If Lamb doesn't press charges, if you're not indicted, this media frenzy will be gone before you know it. Keith gets up from his desk and walks over to where Terrence has settled, perched on the cupboard under Keith's "This Is Your God" poster. KEITH: Let's concern ourselves more with keeping you out of jail. TERRENCE: How? I mean, you said it yourself, if all it took was a phone call to blow up that bus, then anybody could've done it from anywhere. So, why not me? A gambler, a cheater, a deadbeat. Who's gonna-- KEITH: Stop. You had me at "gambler." Terrence, relax. Just tell me what you can remember from the day of the crash. TERRENCE: I-uh met those kids out at the park. And like I said, I talked with Woody. Signed some stuff...I was out of there around five, I guess. KEITH: The bus went over at 7:03. TERRENCE: The next thing I can remember was around eleven, maybe, when I turned on the TV and heard the news. KEITH: You don't remember anything you did in between five and eleven? TERRENCE: Nope. Keith stares at him. TERRENCE: [petulant] You got something to say? KEITH: You remember nothing? TERRENCE: Where were you at 7:03 that day? Keith thinks for a moment. KEITH: I suppose I don't know. TERRENCE: Well maybe you blew up the bus. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Veronica walks down the hallway as the students around her are laughing and gossiping over a flyer that many of them have. FEMALE STUDENT: Oh my God! MALE STUDENT: Way to go, Marlena. Veronica glances at a couple of students and rounds the corner. She sees Madison march towards a student, Marlena, who is tentatively reaching for one of the flyers, contained in a file taped to her locker and marked "Marlena's Out Box" under a rainbow. Madison grabs the flyer, the last one, before Marlena can take it. She starts to read the poem contained thereon as they are joined by another couple of girls following Madison. MADISON: [reading] Who will spot the impostor Cheering in the second row? Veronica watches as Marlena wraps her arms around herself. MADISON: [reading] How long can my pep squad smile Hide the me I cannot show? Madison looks up. MADISON: Wow, that is so precious, Marlena, and you even made it rhyme! Just like an Indigo Girls song. MARLENA: [desperately] I didn't write that. MADISON: Got it. Must be some other pep squad lez who has her gym locker next to mine. Veronica's disgust is clear on her face as she starts to walk on. MADISON: [offscreen] Oh, wait, here's my favorite part. Veronica puts her head down to walk past, sparing Madison a disdainful glance. MADISON: [reading] Taking off our clothes I put on my disguise But when we're in the shower, Can Madison feel my eyes? Marlena, upset, grabs the file and pulls it off of her locker before turning and scurrying away. She passes another group of girls who giggle as she passes. Elsewhere in the hall, Ryan hurries towards Veronica. Veronica, head still down, is pulled to a sudden halt as he stops right in front of her. RYAN: I've got a problem. INT - NHS, JOURNALISM CLASSROOM - CONTINUING. Ryan leads Veronica into the middle of the room, away from the doors. He glances around furtively before speaking. RYAN: You heard about the pizza-boy muggings? VERONICA: I heard about Corny. RYAN: Yeah, Corny was victim number five. I was number four. Look...I need you to find the guy who ripped me off. VERONICA: Sounds like a police matter to me. RYAN: I had something in my wallet...a list that wasn't supposed to get out. Ever. That whole Marlena thing, it was my fault. VERONICA: I don't get it. RYAN: W- M-Marlena's name w-was on a list, with nine other gay students. That poem everyone was making fun of, Marlena posted it onto a website that I set up. VERONICA: You set up a poetry website? RYAN: A chat room. It's called "The Pirate's S.H.I.P.," you know, S-Student Homosexual Internet Posting. I was in charge of maintaining user names and passwords, only the list-- VERONICA: I follow. But why would a mugger want to out sweet little Marlena? RYAN: Because she didn't have the five thousand dollars he demanded from her to stay in. Veronica groans. VERONICA: Why can't the evil just get jobs like the rest of us? RYAN: Look, we're willing to pay you. VERONICA: Who's "we" and what are you offering? RYAN: I-I can't give you names, but w-we're each good for a hundred dollars. Find out who's doing the blackmailing, all right? Opening credits. INT - CHO'S PIZZA - DAY. Music: "This Machine Alone" by the Fighting Brothers McCarthy. LYRICS: There's no shame in this and I can reason it I believe in this, you know it might be sane Could've been my name There isn't' seats at home {} Nobody sleep's alone, you know it might be sane Could've been my name You've been around me long enough to find You get to know the only {} I wouldn't leave without you, I wouldn't leave without you I wouldn't leave this place without you This machine alone was made for great ideas {} and cellular phones, you know it might be sane Could've been my name I didn't know what I had home to find I wouldn't say what I feel, would you read my mind Could've been my name You've me around me long enough to find... The restaurant continues to offer menus combining east and west as notices for Ginger-Black-Bean Paella and Szechwan Italiano can be seen. Ryan and Corny are working. Veronica hovers near them. VERONICA: So what'd they get off you, Corny? CORNY: Oh, all the cash, my tunes, oh, and the pizza, you know. It was pepperoni, thick crust; it was a real nice pie. The three of them sit down at one of the tables. CORNY: Sound like the guy who mugged you? RYAN: Yeah, same part of town even. I got hit in South Neptune, down on Alvarado. VERONICA: Do you think they were real orders, or-- RYAN: No, bogus. Mr Cho called both places back after the muggings. The people there hadn't ordered pizzas. VERONICA: Either of you remember the names that went with the fake orders? CORNY: Yeah, man, I do. You know Amy Esparza from gym class? Veronica nods. CORNY: That's whose house I was headed to. I remember distinctly because I was like, "Damn, what if Amy answers the door in her unmentionables?" That would've been sweet. Veronica sighs at Corny's focus. VERONICA: Can you give me a list of the names and addresses the mugger used, Ryan? Ryan nods. End music: "This Machine Alone" by the Fighting Brothers McCarthy. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Logan and Dick are walking towards the auditorium. There is a desk set up in front of the doors to the auditorium. Hannah and another girl are hawking Pirate Pride stuff. DICK: First of all, I'm not letting her learn to surf on one of my boards. I'd sooner let her paddle out on my mother. LOGAN: Well, of course you would. Hannah sees Logan as he and Dick turn the corner in front of her, continuing to walk. She grabs a box and chases after them. DICK: Right? So, I'm thinking she can come with us to Cabo. HANNAH: Hey! Logan grimaces before he turns around to face her. HANNAH: You two look like you're in the market for some spirit paraphernalia. I recommend the button. She points to the large, yellow "Go Pirates" button pinned to her chest. DICK: They're awful tempting. HANNAH: Well, they're for a really good cause. That was sarcasm, by the way. Logan throws a bill into the box and takes a button but totally ignores Hannah. LOGAN: Dude, you know where we gotta go? We gotta go to Scorpion Bay again. He spares her the briefest of glances. LOGAN: Thanks. He addresses Dick again, refusing to acknowledge Hannah. LOGAN: Camping on the beach, endless right-point break. That's our place, man. He rough-houses Dick and leads him away. Hannah stares after him, unhappy. INT - NHS, GIRLS' BATHROOM - DAY. Veronica enters and starts to wash her hands. Another girl, in her cheerleading outfit, comes in behind her. KYLIE: I need your help, Veronica. VERONICA: Sorry, Kylie, I'm working at capacity right now. Kylie checks the stalls. KYLIE: You don't understand. I'm being blackmailed. It's just...Ryan told me I could talk to you. VERONICA: Really? You're being blackmailed. KYLIE: Sorry to blow your mind, but I'm a lesbian, Veronica. VERONICA: Oh...well...that's cool. KYLIE: Only when you're in college. VERONICA: Did you bring the blackmail note? Kylie hands Veronica a folded piece of paper. Veronica unfolds and reads it. KYLIE: I don't have that kind of money. I'm dead! VERONICA: Respond to the e-mail. Ask for another twenty-four hours. I'll handle the cash and drop-off, okay? KYLIE: Thanks, Veronica. She grins ruefully and leaves as Veronica, more sobre, ponders. INT - MI - DAY. Veronica enters the office as the phone is ringing. VERONICA: Got it! She hurries to her desk and grabs the phone. VERONICA: Mars Investigations. VOICE ON PHONE: Is Keith Mars there? VERONICA: Sure. VOICE ON PHONE: Can you just let him know I'm faxing him Terrence Cook's credit card statement? VERONICA: Thanks, I'll let him know. Veronica hangs up the phone thoughtfully. She looks over towards her father's office. She approaches it. VERONICA: They're gonna fax through that credit card statement you asked for. She stops at the door. Keith is engrossed in his work and barely looks up. KEITH: Good. Thanks, honey. VERONICA: [slowly] Terrence Cook's credit card statement. Keith pays attention. VERONICA: So...are we working for accused mass murderers now? Keith smiles. KEITH: That's right. VERONICA: You sure you're not clouded by your years of being his biggest fan? Keith shrugs. KEITH: I don't know, maybe. Let's just call it a gut thing. Besides, I thought you'd be excited. VERONICA: By what? If Terrence is guilty, that means I'm off the hook, everyone didn't die because of me. Keith gets up from the desk and walks towards her, arms outspread. KEITH: Excited that I'm helping your friend's dad. VERONICA: Where are you getting your intel? Jackie and I aren't exactly the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. She's not what you'd call "huggable." KEITH: Whereas you warm right up to people? Hmm? Keith pulls a goofy face. Veronica takes the point and matches his expression. VERONICA: Hmm. KEITH: Hmm. VERONICA: I wanna help. And your gut's good enough for me. KEITH: Mm-hmm. VERONICA: I need to feel like I'm doing something right now. Keith grabs a sheet of paper from his desk. KEITH: Terrence'll be by in a bit. You mind making a couple calls for me? VERONICA: No sweat. He hands it to Veronica. She smiles and walks to her desk. Cut to a little later. Veronica is on the phone, waiting for it to be answered, as Terrence Cook walks in. She looks up at him. VERONICA: You can head right in. Terrence nods briefly and heads into Keith's office as Veronica returns her attention to the phone call. VOICE ON PHONE: Hello. VERONICA: Hi, ah-this is Veronica Mars calling from Mars Investigations? In his office, Keith updates Terrence. KEITH: I've got calls made to your agent, your brother, your assistant, on and on. No one seems to know where you were when you made them. Terrence sighs. Veronica taps on the edge of the office door and enters. She hands a piece of paper to Keith. VERONICA: Got something. KEITH: My daughter. TERRENCE: Yeah, we've met. KEITH: You know the name, Hank Melton? TERRENCE: No. VERONICA: He works for Mint Condition Car Detailing off the interstate. TERRENCE: Crazy Hank? Yeah, I know that guy. He works on my car whenever-- Terrence stops as he realises what he is about to say. Keith picks up his reluctance to speak in front of Veronica. KEITH: Veronica, can you give us a minute? Veronica nods, retrieves the sheet of paper from Keith and walks back to her desk, closing the door behind her. KEITH: Terrence? TERRENCE: I call Hank whenever I hit the Seven Rivers Casino. KEITH: So you were in the casino that day? Possibly when the bus crashed? TERRENCE: Yeah, I say it's likely. KEITH: That's great news. Casinos happen to be the most photographed places on earth. TERRENCE: Well, good luck getting that surveillance footage, Keith. You know who Leonard Lobo is? KEITH: The guy who runs Seven Rivers? TERRENCE: Actually, several of the Indian casinos. KEITH: What's Lobo got against you? TERRENCE: Millions of dollars' worth of outstanding debt. You know those guys the sheriff caught loitering outside of my house? KEITH: Fitzpatricks? TERRENCE: Delivering a message for Leonard Lobo. His way of saying that my payments are overdue. Keith nods. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. The students are watching Navigator TV. A news broadcast is underway, with John as anchor. JOHN: Mr Pleacher and the Neptune High Science Department would like to invite you all to the annual Physics Olympics. Ryan hurries into the room and slides into the empty seat next to Veronica, who is ignoring the broadcast and reading a book. JOHN: [offscreen] The competition will be held in the gym following seventh period this afternoon. RYAN: Last night was a bust? VERONICA: What? Two hours spent tracking a dummy email address? RYAN: Maybe this'll help. He pulls out a piece of paper from the small pile of books he is carrying. RYAN: All the names and addresses when he ordered pizzas. You gotta do something, Veronica. I'm getting like a hundred emails a day from my Pirate SHIP peeps. They're really starting to freak. JOHN: [offscreen] In other news, a Neptune student was involved... RYAN: What? You know one of them? JOHN: [offscreen]...in the latest...assault. VERONICA: Yeah, I-- JOHN: [offscreen] Let's go to Kylie Marker for the story. This catches Veronica's attention and she looks up at the screen. JOHN: She out in the parking lot, live. Ryan picks up Veronica's focus and watches as well. KYLIE: [offscreen] The Pizza-Boy Mugger added to his repertoire. On the TV screen, Kylie is walking in the car park. The banner at the bottom of the screen reads "Kylie Marker / Reporting." KYLIE: Although the MO was the same, a taser to the neck, this time he chose a seemingly random victim, baseball player, Kelly Kuzzio. The whole class is paying attention now. KELLY: [offscreen] After last night's game, I stopped at Sac-N-Pac to grab a drink. On the TV, Kylie has stopped by Kelly and holds the microphone towards him. The banner has changed to "Kelly Kuzzio / Senior." KELLY: Got out of my car, and bam, lights out. He took my watch, my wallet, but what really sucked? He stole my rims. The camera moves to Veronica, watching intently and to Ryan, looking sad. KELLY: [offscreen] Six grand those cost me. KYLIE: [offscreen] Before I send it back... On the live broadcast TV screen, Kylie walks towards the camera KYLIE: I'd like to add a personal message: I'm gay. There are gasps around the room, swiftly followed by giggles. KYLIE: Marlena Nichols is my girlfriend. So, Pizza-Boy Mugger, you can forget about collecting from me. John? Kylie grins jauntily into the camera. They switch back to John at the Navigator's anchor desk. John is stunned and catching flies. In the classroom, the chatter is getting louder. VERONICA: Well it looks like Kylie won't be needing my help anymore. Veronica looks over at Ryan who appears a little shocked himself. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. The camera is on two hands held tightly as a couple walks down the hallway. There are comments and gasps from all around for it is Kylie and Marlena. Kylie is confident and happy. Marlena is frightened, but gives Kylie a nervous smile. They near Dick and another 09er who watch them. DICK'S FRIEND: Hey dude, check it out. DICK: That. Totally. Rocks. DICK'S FRIEND: Yeah. They slap hands as the girls pass. They turn to watch them go. DICK: Dude, why are lesbians like so pissed-off all the time? DICK'S FRIEND: I don't know, man. Dick shouts out after the girls. DICK: Let your freak flag fly, ladies! The boys giggle at Dick's wit. Veronica approaches. VERONICA: How progressive of you, Dick. DICK: Damn, what is it with you? Do you follow me around for fun, or what? Dick's mate holds up his hands and backs away, not wanting to tangle with Veronica. DICK'S FRIEND: Later. VERONICA: Would it help if I started making out with my girlfriend in the hall. DICK: Yeah, obviously. But look, I'll fix your car, whatever. You gotta learn to leave me alone. VERONICA: And here, I thought we were getting to be pals. DICK: Please. You date Logan, he's nailed for murder. You date Duncan, he's wanted for kidnapping. You get put on Robbie and Hunter's jury, they get sent to Chino. You're like rich-dude kryptonite, Veronica. This rich dude wants no part of it. Dick walks away, leaving an irritated Veronica. She thinks for a moment and swallows before looking around. She heads over to some lockers. VERONICA: Hey, Carmen. Carmen Ruiz, last seen in 120 "M.A.D." is working the combination on her locker. VERONICA: Heard from our favorite videographer lately? CARMEN: He called over Christmas to try to apologize for that whole popsicle thing, like people even remember my scandal anymore. Pleasuring inanimate objects was so 2005. VERONICA: Yeah, this year's all about pulling kids out of the closet. CARMEN: So I've a feeling we're not just catching up here. Veronica pauses, nailed, then sighs. VERONICA: Any idea why the pizza mugger used your name? CARMEN: No. VERONICA: You mind looking at something? Veronica pulls the list Ryan gave her out of her bag and hands it to Carmen. VERONICA: Obviously you, John Ramos, and Amy are all students who live relatively close, but is there anything else that would tie you together in the mugger's mind? CARMEN: We're all coconuts. That's what you get called in Neptune when you're Latino and date white people or join Honor Society. Get it? Like Twinkies and Oreos, except that we're brown on the outside and--- VERONICA: No, I-I get it. I-I'm sorry. CARMEN: Hey, you didn't make the rules. I hope you get your bad guy, Veronica. Carmen starts to move away. Veronica puts out a hand. VERONICA: Actually, um, you could help. Can you make me a list of everyone you can think of who gets made fun of for, you know, being a coconut? EXT - NHS, CAR PARK - DAY. Kelly walks towards his rimless car. Veronica approaches. VERONICA: Sorry about your car, Kelly. KELLY: Yeah, thanks. VERONICA: Did you get a look at the guy who zapped you? KELLY: No. Nothing. I was getting in my car at the Sac-N-Pac. Next thing I knew, I was waking up and my car was up on blocks. VERONICA: You must have been out a long time. I can't believe no one called the cops. I mean, how long would it take to get the rims off a car? KELLY: How should I know? VERONICA: I mean, did they bring their own jack, or-- KELLY: Look, I-I already told all this stuff to the cops. Why do I need to say it again to you? Kelly gets in his car and drives away as Veronica stares after him. EXT - GRIFFITH RESIDENCE - NIGHT. A doorbell rings. Through the window of the house, Hannah can be seen coming down the stairs to the door. Logan is waiting outside on the porch. Hannah opens the door and just looks at him curiously. LOGAN: You gonna let me in? HANNAH: Well I'm trying to act like I don't know you, but... Logan looks sheepish. Hannah shrugs. HANNAH: I don't know how you do it. You've got some serious skill. LOGAN: It's more of an innate ability to compartmentalize. Hannah doesn't respond, turning her head away sceptically. LOGAN: Look, I feel like I'm waiting for a tip or sometime. Can you let me in? Hannah shrugs again but makes no move to allow him in. Logan takes a step towards her. LOGAN: My first girlfriend was murdered. My last girlfriend nearly got shotgunned by a PCHer drive-by. I mean, color me crazy, but I see a pattern. I'm trying to protect you. After a moment's hesitation, this proves persuasive and Hannah backs away from the door, inviting him in. Logan raises his eyebrows in celebration of his success before walking inside and closing the door. INT - GRIFFITH RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Cut to later. Hannah is leaning back against Logan on the couch as they watch a film. Logan feeds her popcorn. LOGAN: So when did your folks split up? HANNAH: Mm. Just a year ago. LOGAN: Hmm. They tell you why? HANNAH: The official answer: they grew apart. Unofficially, I kept hearing them scream at each other about money. Griffith comes down the stairs. GRIFFITH: Hannah? Hannah sits up and both she and Logan turn to look at the doctor. HANNAH: Hi, Dad. This is Logan Griffith stares at Logan and nods shortly. GRIFFITH: Hello. Logan replicates the hand wave he gave Dr. Griffith in 213 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough." Griffith stares hard at him, then spins around and returns upstairs. HANNAH: And there's the Griffith charm. Sorry, that's about the most you'll get out of Dad. Hannah grabs Logan's arm and pulls it around her as she settles back against him. Cut to later again. The sound of a flushed toilet precedes a door opening upstairs and Logan exits into a small hall. Griffith is waiting for him. GRIFFITH: What are you doing with my daughter? Logan pauses at the top of the stairs. LOGAN: You want the complete play-by-play? He moves towards the doctor. LOGAN: That's kind of twisted. They face off, both keeping their voices low. GRIFFITH: I want you to get out of my house and never speak to her again. LOGAN: You really want that to happen? You'd better rethink what you saw on the bridge. Scratch that. What the Fitzpatricks told you you saw. GRIFFITH: You can't threaten me, you little punk. LOGAN: Wouldn't be here if you couldn't be threatened. GRIFFITH: So do you want to be the one to explain to Hannah why you're really here? Try and bully me? Logan shrugs. LOGAN: Well why don't you tell her? Sounds like you guys already are so close. I'm sure she'll see things your way. Logan smirks. GRIFFITH: Please don't do this. LOGAN: While you're at it, try explaining why you never mentioned how you're the mystery witness in my murder case. That'll be good. GRIFFITH: Hmm. LOGAN: I guess that never came up in your drive home from the carnival. I'm thinking we're done here. I don't want to keep Hannah waiting. Logan waggles his eyebrows suggestively. He heads for the stairs, still watching Griffith who is furious. INT - SEVEN RIVERS CASINO - NIGHT. The casino is doing good business as a man escorts Keith towards a private room. LOBO: You're joking. Terrence Cook wants another favor. Frankly, I'm not sure he wants to owe me any more than he already does. They enter an unused gaming room, peopled only by a barman and a couple of goons. KEITH: Well, he thinks you might have security footage of him from September thirteenth of last year, the day of the bus crash. LOBO: And what's he paying you, Mr Mars? KEITH: Four hundred dollars a day. LOBO: That's four hundred dollars a day he should be paying me. KEITH: Terrence Cook's gonna get charged with murder any day now. LOBO: Terrence Cook owes me a significant amount of money. That's where my interest in him begins and ends. They can swing him from the rafters for all I care. KEITH: Well maybe all that swinging will drop some change from his pockets. It might be a little hard to get paid by an incarcerated man. Lobo gets the point. LOBO: [to one of the goons] Reggie...check the tapes. See what you come up with. Reggie nods and walks off to do the job. LOBO: You like to gamble, Mr Mars? Perhaps I could interest you in a line of credit. KEITH: No thanks. LOBO: Good man. Here's a couple of bucks on the house, then. Have some fun while you're waiting. Keith takes the chips. EXT - GRIFFITH RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Logan and Hannah kiss on the porch. HANNAH: See. Wasn't this better than champagne and ocean views? Logan strokes her hair and makes an okay sign with his fingers. LOGAN: Hm. He kisses her again and then spins out of her arms and down the porch steps. LOGAN: Until tomorrow. Hannah smiles as she watches Logan get into the Xterra and drive away. Griffith comes out of the house and joins her on the porch. GRIFFITH: I need to talk to you, Hannah. Hannah looks back at him. She turns and walks slowly into the house. INT - SEVEN RIVERS CASINO - NIGHT. Keith is at the blackjack table. The cards are dealt and Keith is in a quandary. DEALER: Sir? The dealer looks at him expectantly. The guy sitting next to him becomes impatient. GAMBLER: It's two bucks, buddy. Keith reluctantly makes a decision, silently mouthing for the dealer to give him another card just as Reggie taps him on the shoulder. Keith turns around as the card is dealt and he is bust. DEALER: And king makes twenty-two. Keith leaves the table and follows Reggie. INT - CHO'S PIZZA - NIGHT. Lemon Grass Linguine at $7.50 and Taleggio Croquette spicy $3.95 are on offer behind the counter. The place is busy and Corny is packing pizza. An unidentified song is playing. Veronica is reading at the counter. CORNY: Oh, man, Cho's is going off tonight. VERONICA: That what happens when the chains stop delivering to South Neptune. Corny answers the phone. CORNY: Cho's 'Za. Yeah, no problemo. Mm, can I get your name and number, please? Veronica gets out a list, presumably supplied by Carmen, ready to check the name. CORNY: Mm-hm. She waits as Corny takes down the address in writing. He rips it off the pad and hands it to Veronica. He finishes the call as she checks the list. VERONICA: Jorge Zadia was a ringer. His name's on Carmen's list. So are you ready to be the bait, Corny? CORNY: Hell, yeah. No one's better. I'm what you'd call a "master bait." Corny clicks his fingers and poses (in an alleged copy of Drew Carey's flourish in The Aristocrats) before a bemused Veronica. INT - SEVEN RIVERS CASINO - NIGHT. A lift door opens and Lobo exits with some goons, one of whom holds a file. Lobo takes it and hands it to the waiting Keith. LOBO: There you go. Straight off the surveillance hard drive. Keith looks through the file. There are two pictures. The first, timed at 7:01, shows Terrence entering a room next to a slot machine. The second, timed at 7:06, shows him at the blackjack table. KEITH: There's five minutes missing. LOBO: Maybe he was in the john...or the elevator. I don't know. That Terrence Cook is a mighty slippery fellow. Lobo glances at Reggie. KEITH: I need a picture of him at exactly 7:03; these aren't going to help. Lobo just smiles and walks away. Reggie and the goons follow him, leaving a frustrated Keith. Keith makes his way across the busy casino floor. He pulls his cell out of his pocket. He punches a number and puts it to his ear but nothing is happening. He checks his phone as he rounds a corner past a slot machine. The pit boss sees him checking his phone. PIT BOSS: You gotta take it outside. Keith turns to him, not understanding. PIT BOSS: Your cell phone. We jam all the signals in a hundred-yard radius. Card cheaters, you know. Keith nods. KEITH: Thanks. PIT BOSS: Sure. Keith closes up the phone and walks away, a huge grin on his face. EXT - NEPTUNE STREET - NIGHT. Corny's car pulls up at, or rather within the vicinity of, the curb. He gets out, carrying three pizza boxes. As he walks offscreen, a dark figure can be seen, running up behind him. Veronica is lying in wait and jerks on something. A wire tautens across the path at ankle height and brings the figure down. Backup growls and barks viciously as the figure starts to rise. ARTURO: Tell-tell him to chill. Veronica and Corny are standing behind Backup, Veronica holding the leash of the straining dog. VERONICA: Lose the mask. The boy pulls down the front of the scarf he is wearing and slowly rises. Backup continues to growl at him menacingly. VERONICA: Down, boy. What's your name, kid? The boy doesn't answer and Veronica gets impatient. VERONICA: Do you want to deal with me or do you want to deal with Mr. Chompers? On cue, Backup barks again. ARTURO: Arturo. VERONICA: Who are you working with, Arturo? ARTURO: I'm not working with no one. VERONICA: You're telling me you took down a varsity jock, jacked his car, stole his rims, all by your scrawny self? ARTURO: No, that wasn't me. The others was. I-I heard about it. Man, I figured I had me my own copy-cat. Cool, huh? CORNY: Oh, give me a break, man! You're some punk freshman. So give me back my tunes before I kick your ass. ARTURO: Oh yeah? Just wait till I'm a PCHer, Shaggy. Then I'll find your ass and you're gonna get yours. VERONICA: Thumper tell you to rob pizza boys? ARTURO: No, I'm proving myself, so he'll let me in. PCH is back in charge, lady. VERONICA: Did you just call me "Lady"? Veronica holds up the taser and lets it spark. Arturo backs away a little. ARTURO: Okay. VERONICA: So, the blackmailing, is that another way you're out proving yourself, cholito? ARTURO: Man, w-what are you talking about? Black-whatting? Veronica lets out a disbelieving sigh and shakes her head. VERONICA: Thanks for your cooperation. Looks like we're done here, Arturo. Veronica fiddles with something in her hand. ARTURO: Cool. Can I go home then? VERONICA: Almost. She holds up a small cassette tape. Arturo knows he is toast. Cut to a little later. A sheriff's department car pulls up at the side of the street. Deputy Sacks climbs out and shines his torch ahead. Arturo is duct taped to a street lamp which has a "Slow - Children" traffic sign on it from which dangles an envelope. Sacks walks forward to the post and grabs the envelope on which is written "Confession Inside." He tears open the envelope and gets the tape. He looks back up at the lamppost and chuckles. INT - NHS, COMPUTER CLASSROOM - DAY. Veronica checks from the door and hurried forward, happy to find Mac on her own. She leans over next to her station. VERONICA: I need you to get me into a restricted website. MAC: Sure, what's the address? VERONICA: I don't know. Mac looks at her curiously. MAC: What's it for? VERONICA: It's a Neptune High gay chatroom. Mac's brow furrows as she struggles to voice her thought. MAC: Veronica, you're not... VERONICA: No. I'm just curious. Mac continues to gaze at her speculatively. Veronica rolls her eyes as she realises the meaning her words could have had. She laughs. VERONICA: Curious as to what's posted on the website, more accurately. Mac doesn't move. VERONICA: Here we go. Work your funky magic. Mac just continues to look at her. VERONICA: And nothing. What's the problem? She has a revelation. VERONICA: You set it up, didn't you? MAC: Some ass-face got onto their message board and wrote some pretty awful stuff. So Ryan asked me to beef up their security. VERONICA: Yeah? I work for Ryan too now, so if you could just-- MAC: So then why wouldn't he have let you on it himself? Veronica frowns. VERONICA: Damn you and your valid questions. Veronica thinks for a moment. VERONICA: Look, it's still private if I only see the usernames, right? MAC: A savvy detective such as yourself might deduce who the Pirate SHIPpers are. Veronica sighs long and hard. VERONICA: Mac, the only way I can stop the Marlenas and Kylies of this school from being tormented is if I get on that message board. MAC: All right, stop it. You're embarrassing me. Mac turns to her computer and starts typing on the keyboard. She pulls up the page for Pirate's S.H.I.P. Against a rainbow background, there is the face of a eye-patched pirate, with the two words on either side. Underneath, is the address, www.NeptunePirateShip.com and the words tudent omosexual nternet osting, the first letters of which are the S.H.I.P. Hard to see, but at the top, under the buttons for back, etc, both TWOP and MI.Net can be made out as links, in a shout out from graphic designer Rick Pickett, whose initials stand between the two. Mac proceeds to bring up a small window which says "To board the Pirate's S.H.I.P. please log in." There are boxes for the username and password. Three buttons beneath hold the options "Request to Join," "Reset" and "Submit." Mac logs on as administrator, using a eight letter/number password. She brings up the posting board of the Pirate S.H.I.P. forum, entitled "The Slow Out." There are forty-seven pages in the forum. The topics on display are as follows: "how can i tell my parents?" posted by ClosetLand which has had one view and no replies although the last post is noted to be today at 02:49 PM by FeistyFairy; "Does he have to know? Posted by FeistyFairy which has twenty views and three replies, the last from RockerPocker today, also at 02:49 PM; "gay, or just open? By GrrlLover has been viewed thirty-three times and generated five posts, the last from KIZZNKUZN at 02:47 PM; "I can't take it anymore" was posted by KISSNKUZN and the thirteen replies from twenty-seven views fill two pages, the last from trank at 01:43 PM; "Your first 'special' moment" was a poll by LeonyPony which garnered twenty-eight responses from sixty-one views, the last response from FeeSpirited at 07:51 AM; "I am circumcised, have my been violated or infringed upon" a poll one would love to read, is started by ParaVISION and generated fifteen long responses, spread over more than three pages and last commented upon by GoalHole69 at 05:57 AM; "Who's gay/lez/bi/? here" is the last poll that can be seen, commented upon at 04:29 AM. [SCENE_BREAK] MAC: Okay, I'll make you a hard copy but you have to burn it when you're done. Veronica nods. Cut to later. Veronica has copied off some of the posts which she is removing from the printer. She continues reading them as she moves the sheets to the desk. She circles the name of KISSNKUZN, a senior member who joined in October 2005 and has made 42 posts. Above his, parts of another post, made by a poster who joined in September and has 64 posts, reads: ClosetLand, when I first started out...some blatant homophobia that didn't...I'd see some of the PCHers, and even...using derogatory terms for kids they like...from them regarding the harassment. I'm...tell if it was staring them straight in the fa...Keep us posted about your poetry slam, I...Never let the hand you hold, hold you down. KISSNKUZN, who probably is also KIZZNKUZN, also responds to ClosetLand: "Quote originally posted by GrrlLOVER I wouldn't take too much from them regarding...You and I both now that ignoring them only gets you...when they tire of using verbal assaults against you...happens when our ignoring response generates...thick-headed people? ClosetLand, I think you...reates, intimid...." Veronica's research is interrupted by Coach Prepernau, part-time computer teacher, who enters the classroom. VERONICA: Excuse me, Coach? Think I could ride with the team tonight? My car is in the shop and I promised your star point guard I'd be there. His face gives away that he is not going to respond positively. VERONICA: Did I mention all the action shots I'll take for the Navigator? Jackie enters the room, going to the small bookcase. COACH: I'm sorry, Veronica, we have a strict rule against girls on the team bus. I want 'em focussed. JACKIE: You can ride with me if you want. The coach walks back out of the room as Jackie steps closer. JACKIE: I-I realize it's no bus filled with rowdy, towel-snapping jocks, but it'll smell better. VERONICA: I don't know. Um... do you have room for my giant foam finger? JACKIE: I do, and I can even drop you off around the block if you're worried being seen together. VERONICA: Yes. Please, by all means, protect my reputation. They smile at each other and Jackie leaves. Veronica goes back to her posts. She adds KISSNKUZN to a handwritten list she has started with MIZZ P and GrlLover. Ryan comes up behind and gasps when he sees what she has. Veronica rushes to the defence. VERONICA: Don't blame Mac. I-I made her print it out. I don't care who's gay. RYAN: It's fine. I just didn't want to let you onto the site myself. I've let those guys down enough. VERONICA: Ryan, we caught the mugger. He doesn't have the cranial resources to spell blackmail, let alone perform it. The list getting out isn't your fault, never was. I think the blackmailer is one of your own posters. RYAN: What? You're serious? W-- VERONICA: I was looking through some old chats. Um, here, back in July, this guy who calls himself, "MIZZ P," went off about the "outing of all outings in Neptune" and then he vanished. A tad ominous, don't you think? RYAN: MIZZ P ain't the bad guy, Veronica. His name was Peter Ferrer and...he died in the bus crash. VERONICA: Oh, I'm-- RYAN: And there's been another blackmailing letter. VERONICA: Who are they after now? Ryan opens and closes his mouth, indicating that he can't tell her. VERONICA: [exasperated] Oh, you can't be serious. RYAN: I told the victim they could come to you for help, but...I wouldn't hold your breath on this one. VERONICA: Great. I'll just head out into the hall and look out for the guy in the black hat twirling his moustache. Ryan makes a sympathetic sigh. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Hannah is in a full classroom, concentrating on her work. Unnoticed by her, Logan enters the classroom and glances at her before walking to the teacher's desk and handing him a note. The teacher, sitting in front of a board too dark to read, but which indicates that he is Mr. Lang and that the class is studying F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby takes the note and Logan leaves. The teacher glances at Hannah. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Hannah, note in hand, is striding along the hallway. From the door of another classroom, Logan snatches her and pulls her into the classroom. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - CONTINUING. Logan has pulled Hannah into a lab. He turns to shut the door as she swings around to confront him. HANNAH: What are you doing? LOGAN: That depends, what are you gonna let me do? He walks her against the high desk and makes a move to kiss her. She pushes him away. HANNAH: Uh, I know you stabbed that kid on the bridge, my dad told me everything. Hannah moves to walk around him and out of the room. Logan grabs her arm and pulls her back in front of him. LOGAN: No, your dad is a liar. I didn't kill anyone, Hannah. Your dad wasn't even there. HANNAH: I was worried you were embarrassed of me, and you were just using me. LOGAN: When I met you at the carnival, I had no idea who you were, I swear. Hannah scoffs. LOGAN: Look, the reason your parents were fighting about money all the time, it's because your dad was blowing it on coke. HANNAH: My dad's a cokehead? Please, he's a doctor, Logan. LOGAN: And that's why a jury's gonna buy it when he tells them I killed Felix. Your dad is in deep to the Fitzpatrick family, the ones who really wanted Felix dead. Logan finally takes a few steps back. HANNAH: And I'm supposed to believe you. LOGAN: You do believe me. What I'm saying makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? He steps forward again, getting close. He moves to touch her. She holds her arms up to stop him. HANNAH: Let me go, Logan, please? LOGAN: [whispers] Yeah. Well, just think about it. Check around the house, keep an open mind. Hannah stares at him before sliding past. INT - MI - DAY. Keith walks into his office, followed by Terrence. Keith goes to his desk and finds the photos. KEITH: I found our silver bullet, Terrence. You couldn't have made the call that blew up the bus. Surveillance shots. Ta-da! He lays them open on the desk for Terrence to see. KEITH: No cell signal anywhere in the Seven Rivers Casino. TERRENCE: What you got is proof that I was in a private meeting with Leonard Lobo. KEITH: You were in a legal gambling venue placing legal bets. TERRENCE: Lobo's name is on the League unsavory characters list. He was charged, but never convicted of fixing a college basketball game back in the eighties. If I admit that I was in his office, I make myself the next Pete Rose. KEITH: We'll take these photos to the sheriff...and I'll make sure they don't get out. All you need is a little leverage. EXT - NHS, CAR PARK - DAY. Veronica watches a car pull out. The licence plate is KUZZIKAN. She smiles and moves to the next row to stand in front of the car as it threads through. Cut to inside the car with Kelly. VERONICA: "KUZZIKAN"? KELLY: It's my brother's car, brother's plates. VERONICA: Whereas your personalized plates might read... Veronica pulls out her copy of the posts. VERONICA: KISSNKUZN? Kelly's mouth drops open. VERONICA: You didn't get mugged, did you? Kelly ponders for a moment before responding. KELLY: No. VERONICA: You needed to make some fast cash, isn't that right? KELLY: Yes. VERONICA: You're gay, aren't you? He looks at her suspiciously. KELLY: What do you want from me? VERONICA: I want to know why you act like you do. The other day, when you and your pal were making fun of Dick-- KELLY: When underneath I was really just bashing myself? Very insightful. You wanna know why I do it? Because I wanna survive high school, okay? VERONICA: So you hock your own rims for cash to pay the blackmailer, use the pizza-boy muggings as a cover, then buy new rims with the insurance money. KELLY: It sounds bad when you say it. Veronica, you realize, people here find out I'm...queer, and I'm dead. VERONICA: I'm not out to out you. KELLY: I just wanna pay the damn money and be done with the whole nightmare. Veronica thinks for a moment. VERONICA: The note, let me look at it. Kelly pulls it out of his pocket. KELLY: It was just an email from some guy named Rick Santorum. He says he wants me to just mail it to him. He gave a local address. He hands it to a surprised Veronica. VERONICA: He gave you an address? INT - GRIFFITH RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Hannah picks up the phone. The window displays recent calls. The first is "555-0123" and the next "River Stix." As she scrolls through, the following appear: Fitzpatrick, Sarro, Davenport, 555-0168, Fitzpatrick, 555-0182, River Stix, Landon, River Stix, and Fitzpatrick. She puts down the phone. Cut to her in the bathroom. She opens the medicine cabinet. She looks through and pulls out a box of what look like plasters. She opens it and looks inside, eventually emptying the contents onto the counter. Amongst the plasters is a small bag of white powder. She picks it up and stares first at it and then into the distance. INT - MI - DAY. Veronica leads Ryan into the office. VERONICA: Rick Santorum's address is a fake, no surprise there. Kelly mailed his blackmail payoff but it's been stalled at the post office. It's been like waiting for a toaster to pop these last seven hours. Veronica sets her laptop down on the desk and opens it. They both bend down to view the screen. RYAN: Well, I'll watch it if you don't have the time. I'll call you if I see anything. VERONICA: No need. The tracking map is on screen. VERONICA: It finally moved. Let's see where the package ended up. Veronica clicks on the flashing red dot. An address comes up: 7079 Hubbell Street, Neptune, CA 98081. RYAN: Hubbell Street? I know who lives there. Veronica smiles. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Kylie is at her locker. VERONICA: Hey, blackmailer. Kylie smiles, gets her book, closes her locker, turns around and faces Veronica. KYLIE: I figured I'd be seeing you sometime today. Looking for this? She holds out a bug. Veronica takes it. VERONICA: Most people just get pissed and smash it into a million pieces, but they're kind of expensive, so thanks. Kylie starts walking down the hallway. Veronica joins her. KYLIE: I thought I was being so clever with the whole dead-letter-office thing. VERONICA: Pretty clever. You knew the money would make its way to the post office. How'd you ever get in to retrieve the package? KYLIE: My mom works there. VERONICA: Oh, nice. KYLIE: Yeah. INT - NHS, ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - CONTINUING. KYLIE: So, I'm assuming Kelly wants his money back. Kylie puts a folder in one of the pigeon-holes. VERONICA: Safe assumption. Why'd you do it? KYLIE: I wanted to get out of Neptune after graduation. There goes that plan. Community college, here I come. Besides, I didn't care much about self-hating KISSNKUZN. I would have slept just fine knowing that Kelly Kuzzio was driving around rimless. VERONICA: Why'd you out Marlena? KYLIE: Because I'm a horrible, crazy bitch. She starts to walk again. Veronica follows. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. KYLIE: You wanna know what's worse? I told her the blackmailer was bluffing; I told her not to pay. VERONICA: I don't get it. KYLIE: I wanted to be out but I wanted Marlena out with me. I wanted to be able to walk down the halls with her, like a real couple. VERONICA: So, she didn't want to come out and you did? KYLIE: Something like that. Kylie brings them to a stop and faces Veronica. KYLIE: I wanna tell Marlena myself, if that's okay. VERONICA: Okay. Veronica nods and watches Kylie as she goes. Elsewhere, Logan waits outside the art class. The students start to come out into the hallway. He looks into the room then steps back to watch their exit. Eventually, Hannah comes out. Music: "I Don't Know" by Starsailor. LYRICS: Woke up reeling, lost all feeling Heart on the floor, my eyes to the ceiling Tried to stop me but I was not listening One more drink and I won't miss them I don't know what love is I don't know what love is I don't know what love is But I think I had it See them wasting it all away For the sake of a thrill and a game away Hannah hesitates on seeing Logan, then walks towards him, stopping in front of him. Her head is down and she doesn't look up as she addresses him. HANNAH: You were right about my dad. She turns and walks away. Logan watches her for a moment, apparently genuinely sympathetic. He hurries forward to catch up with her. He takes her books, and then her hand, as the students in the hall start to notice. They look at each other and carry on down the hall, ignoring the reactions around them. They pass Veronica and Mac going in the opposite direction. VERONICA: Who's that? MAC: Hannah something, I think. I'd be a willowy blonde too if my dad was a plastic surgeon. Veronica spins around, horrified, and sighs. EXT - AIRPORT - NIGHT. The Cook family Bronco drives alongside a hanger the door of which is slowly opening. VERONICA: Wait a minute. This isn't the way to the regional finals. JACKIE: If my dad expects me to drive seventy-five miles in this bouncy old Bronco, then he really is a murderer. Jackie drives into the hangar. INT - HANGAR - CONTINUING. A number of expensive foreign cars are parked in the hanger as is a helicopter. VERONICA: Okay, which one is Monday? JACKIE: You laugh, but he pretty much used to have one for every day of the month. End music: "I Don't Know" by Starsailor. VERONICA: Our lives are so similar. The Mars family hangar is a spitting image of this one. JACKIE: Flying's not his thing. Woody Goodman lets Dad use the hangar for his toys. They climb out of the Bronco. JACKIE: So, what are you in the mood for? Hot-blooded Italian or cool and Teutonic? VERONICA: How about privileged and upper-crusty? They head for a black Bentley Azure. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - NIGHT. An irritated Lamb leads Keith and Terrence into his office. He collapses casually into his chair as Terrence shuts the door behind them. Lamb lets out a big sigh. KEITH: I want you to announce that Terrence Cook has been cleared of suspicion in the bus crash. LAMB: [scoffs] What? He crosses his fingers at Keith as if warding off evil. LAMB: Is this some kind of Jedi mind trick? Why would I want to do that? Keith passes over the file with the photos. Lamb looks at the first and back at Keith. LAMB: Exactly what am I supposed to be looking at? KEITH: His alibi. LAMB: You caught Terrence at a casino, huh? [sarcastically] There's a surprise. KEITH: Those time stamps say that he was at the Seven Rivers Casino at the time of the explosion. LAMB: At 7:01 and 7:06. Could've been off and made a call between then. KEITH: The casino blocks cell reception. LAMB: Pay phones. KEITH: You really think someone would make a phone call on a land line that would kill a bus full of people? From a location that has four thousand cameras and three hundred security personnel? Subpoena the phone records. Check the calls. Lamb grimaces. LAMB: Ahh, sounds like a lot of work. TERRENCE: What's your beef with me, Sheriff? LAMB: My "beef"? I suppose it's that you...killed a bus-load of kids just to tidy up your love-life. Crazy girlfriend who knew about your betting on baseball. That's a liability you could not afford. I suggest you go home and enjoy your last few days of freedom. KEITH: You're not gonna press charges, Lamb. Keith reaches into his pocket as Lamb rolls his eyes, unimpressed. LAMB: Whatever you say, Boss. Keith lays a cd on Lamb's desk. LAMB: [whispers in faux-anticipation] What's this? KEITH: Play it. Lamb reaches forward to grab it. He gazes it at it for a moment then crosses his fingers and closes his eyes. LAMB: [whispers loudly] I really hope this is the new Big & Rich. He glances up at the other men, in total disdain and then loads the disk onto his computer. He drums on the desk, unconcerned as he waits for it to complete, then pushes play. RECORDED LAMB: I got a guy in a holding cell back there, says you did favors for gentlemen who bet extensively on baseball. He wants to make a deal. Me, I would much rather deal with you. Lamb loses some of his cockiness as he turns it off. LAMB: All right, what's this? Where'd you get it? TERRENCE: I don't think a grand jury will have a hard time figuring it out. You don't back off, Sheriff, and that recording is going straight to Woody Goodman, the newspapers, your grandmama. Lamb takes out the cd. LAMB: Right. He puts the cd back on the desk and regains his confidence. LAMB: Here's how it's gonna play out, slugger. Release the tape, I lose my fifty K civil servant job. Lamb uses his fingers to count them off. LAMB: You, you lose your Hall of Fame induction, your color commentating gig... Lamb deliberately uses the three count to give Terrence the finger. LAMB: ...your endorsements. Now where's the trade in that, Terrence? EXT - NEPTUNE STREETS - NIGHT. Veronica and Jackie are on their way back from the game. Veronica is driving. VERONICA: The boy can play ball. JACKIE: [laughing] Did you see his running teardrop in the lane? VERONICA: I saw it. It was Jordanesque. Jackie laughs. VERONICA: But tomorrow, we both gotta promise: say nothing to him. We cannot feed that ego. I like my Wallace humble. JACKIE: My dad told me that you're helping out with his case. That means a lot. Especially since he's already been convicted by half the people in Neptune. VERONICA: Well, luckily it's the half I don't like. So, it works out. The car speeds along the road. INT - HANGAR - NIGHT. Veronica pulls into the hangar and parks the car. She turns off the engine then flicks the switch to put the top back up. Nothing happens. JACKIE: This is not good. The top is broken. VERONICA: Ah, it's probably just a blown fuse. JACKIE: Okay, and you sound like you know how to fix it? Veronica gets out of the car. VERONICA: Well, if she's anything like my LeBaron under the bonnet. I'm gonna need a Phillips head. Jackie, remaining in the car, is clueless. VERONICA: Screwdriver. JACKIE: Oh. Jackie laughs at her ignorance. Veronica heads over to the side where there is a bench and a large metal cupboard. Veronica tries the drawers which are locked. She then tries the cupboard, which isn't. She looks inside for the screwdriver but turns pale at something she does see. Jackie opens the car door to get out, calling out to Veronica. JACKIE: Did you find it? Veronica is still stunned and doesn't respond. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Keith is in bed, asleep. VERONICA: Dad? Veronica's voice is sharp, frightened. Keith reacts immediately, rolling himself over and sitting up. KEITH: Honey, what is it? What's wrong? Veronica steps forward into the room. VERONICA: Jackie and I borrowed one of Terrence's cars tonight. I was digging around in the hangar where he keeps them and I found...I don't know...but I'm pretty sure it was some sort of explosive and detonators. Keith lets out a heart-felt sigh. KEITH: So much for my gut. They stare at each other. End.

Plan: A: two criminals; Q: How many criminals is Veronica hired to capture? A: gay students; Q: Who is being blackmailed? A: Neptune High; Q: What is the name of the high school? A: Logan; Q: Who uses his relationship with Hannah to put pressure on her father? A: his testimony; Q: What does Logan want Hannah's father to drop? A: Terrence; Q: Who was at the casino at the time of the bus crash? A: an alibi; Q: What does Keith use Terrence's casino visit as? A: the charges; Q: What does Lamb refuse to drop? A: the garage; Q: Where does Terrence keep his cars? Summary: Veronica is hired to capture two criminals; a person stealing from pizza boys and another who blackmails gay students at Neptune High. Logan uses his relationship with Hannah to put pressure on her father to drop his testimony against Logan. Keith finds out that Terrence was at a casino at the time of the bus crash, and could not have used his cell phone. Keith uses this information as an alibi and Terrence is released, but Lamb refuses to drop the charges. Veronica finds explosives and detonators in the garage where Terrence keeps his cars.

[Scene: Rachel's Room, Joey moves Ross's coat to get the tissues Rachel wants and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it's an engagement ring.] Rachel: Joey. (He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.) Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay. (Joey is stunned.) [Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachel's room.] [Cut back into Rachel's room.] Rachel: So uh...I guess we should...make it official huh? Joey: Uh... Look Rach...(Ross enters.) Hey Ross is here! Hey look! It's my good friend Ross. Hey Ross. Ross: Hey Joey. (To Rachel) Hey you. Rachel: Hey you. Joey: Hey and look he brought flowers. Thanks Ross, but I'm really more of a candy guy. (Laughs.) Ross: You're weird today. (He turns to Rachel and Joey puts the ring back.) (To Rachel) Listen I uh, wanted to talk to you about something. Rachel: Uh yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too. Ross: Uh Joey, can you give us just a minute? Joey: No. Ross: What? Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I meant no. Monica: (entering with everyone else including Mr. Geller) Hi! Hey look who's here! Mr. Geller: Where's my granddaughter? I've been practicing my magic tricks. Chandler: He pulled a quarter out of my ear! Ross: Hey, where's uh, where's mom? Mr. Geller: She went to pick up Aunt Liddy. Monica: Oh, Aunt Liddy's coming? That means we get five dollars each! Mr. Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this? (Pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.) Chandler: Okay. Wow. Ross: Uh Dad, Emma's in the nursery. I'll take you now. If you want, but (To Rachel) I really want to talk to you. Rachel: I know, I still need to talk to you. Joey: Oh hey but, before you guys do that (To Rachel) I need to talk to you, and Ross, I need to talk to you. Phoebe: (To Monica) Oh and I need to talk to you. Monica: About what? Phoebe: To see if know what these guys are talking about. Opening Credits [Scene: Outside the Nursery, everyone but Rachel is standing and looking into the window.] Monica: Isn't she beautiful? Mr. Geller: Look at her, my first grandchild. Ross: What about Ben? Mr. Geller: Well of course Ben, I meant my first granddaughter. (To Monica, mouths) Wow. Phoebe: (taking Ross aside) Have umm, have you thought anymore about you and Rachel? Ross: Oh well yeah, actually I was going to talk to her when you guys all came in the room. Phoebe: Yay! It's so exciting! Wow, you could've done that with us there. Ross: Yeah right. Phoebe: Oh sure okay, you can touch yourself in front of us but you can't talk to Rachel. Ross: What?! When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys? Phoebe: Oh please! Just before when you were asleep in the lounge! That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV. Oh, that reminds me. That Mr. Hasmeje still has my Gameboy. Joey: (taking Chandler aside) Hey Chandler, can I talk to you for a second? Chandler: Sure. Joey: Dude I just did something terrible. Chandler: That was you?! I thought it was Jack! Joey: No! No, that was Jack! Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me! Chandler: What?! Why does she think that? Joey: Because it kinda looked like I did. Chandler: Again, what?! Joey: Okay well, I was down on one knee with the ring in my hand... Chandler: As we all are at some point during the day. Joey: It wasn't my ring! It fell out of Ross's jacket! And when I knelt down to pick it up Rachel thought I was proposing! Chandler: Ross had a ring?! And he was gonna propose? Joey: I guess. Chandler: And you did it first?! This is gonna kill him! You know how much he loves to propose! Joey: I know! I know it's awful. Chandler: Well, what did she say? Joey: (happily) She said yes. Chandler: Does Ross know? Joey: Oh God, what the hell am I going to tell him? Chandler: Well maybe you don't have to tell him anything. Joey: Oh, I like that. Yeah... Chandler: If you clear things up with Rachel then Ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass! Joey: (laughs) Now let's not get carried away. (He walks away as Monica comes over and hugs Chandler from behind.) Monica: I want a baby. Chandler: Honey, we've been over this. I need to be facing the other way. Monica: Come on! Come on, if we have s*x again it'll double our chances of getting pregnant. Do you think that closet's still available? Chandler: I'm so tired. (She starts kissing him.) Yeah okay, but no foreplay. Monica: Deal! [Back in front of the nursery window.] Ross: Dad seriously! Y'know you really should see someone about that! Mr. Geller: Noted. Ross: I wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute, are you gonna be okay alone for a bit? Mr. Geller: Are you kidding me, I could stay and look at her forever. Ross: (noticing something) Actually umm... (He turns Mr. Geller's head to look at Emma.) [Scene: Rachel's Room, Phoebe is entering.] Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hi. Phoebe: Are you all right? Rachel: Uhh... I think I just got engaged. Phoebe: Oh my God! He did it? Rachel: Well...did you know he was gonna ask me? Phoebe: Are you kidding? I'm like the one who talked him into it. I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group. Rachel: And you really think this is a good idea? Phoebe: I just talked him into it, don't tell me I have to do you too. The puppet master gets tired people. Rachel: I just don't know! It just doesn't feel right. Phoebe: Why?! You two are so meant to be together, everybody thinks so. Rachel: Really?! Even Ross? Phoebe: Especially Ross! Joey: (entering) Oh uh, hey Pheebs. Uh y'know what? I'll-I'll come back later. (He goes to leave but runs into Ross who's entering.) Ross: Wow! Kind of uh, kind of a full house here. I'll guess just...I'll come back. (Ross exits followed by Joey.) Phoebe: There he goes, your fiancée. Rachel: I guess so. Phoebe: Although he does play with himself in his sleep. Rachel: I can't say that I'm surprised. [Scene: A hallway, Joey and Ross find Mr. Geller with his ear up against a janitor's closet door.] Ross: Dad, what are you doing? Mr. Geller: I think there are people in there having s*x. (Ross turns to look at Joey.) Joey: It can't be me, I'm standing right here. Mr. Geller: Wanna peek? Ross: No! Mr. Geller: Come on! Ross: Y'know what? I don't like you without mom. (To Joey) Come on. (Walks away.) Joey: (To Ross) We're not peeking? (Follows him.) Mr. Geller: Well I'm peeking. (He peeks.) Oh my God! Chandler: Hello sir, you know Monica. [Scene: Rachel's Room, she is taking the ring out of Ross's jacket, looks at it, and puts it on her finger as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey uh, is it okay to come in? Rachel: Of course! Oh Joey, this ring I...it's beautiful I love it! Joey: Yeah uh look Rach, there's something I gotta tell ya. (There's a knock on the door and a nurse enters carrying Emma.) Rachel: Hey! Nurse: Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again? Rachel: Yeah! Hi Emma. Hey, why do you think she won't take my breast? Nurse: It's all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it, but don't worry. It'll happen. Joey: (watching) Yowsa! (Looks away.) Rachel: Okay sweetie, you can do it. Just open up and put it in your mouth. Joey: Dear Lord. Rachel: I'm sorry honey, what were you saying? Joey: Oh uh-uh yeah, I think that... Rachel: Oh look, she's pulling away again! Do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? (Joey gets embarrassed.) She looks scared. Doesn't she look scared? Joey: Y'know, I don't really know her. Nurse: Why don't we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow. (Does so.) Joey: (To God) Are you kidding me?! Rachel: It's just so frustrating! Why doesn't she want my breast?! Joey: I don't know! Maybe she's crazy! (Storms out.) [Scene: The Lobby, Ross is eating a sandwich as Phoebe rushes up to him.] Phoebe: Oh hey! Wait up! Ross: Hi! Phoebe: Congratulations! I didn't want to say anything in front of Joey 'cause I didn't know if he knew yet. Ross: What, that we had a baby? Come on let's give him a little credit, although, he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier. Phoebe: No! No, that you and Rachel are engaged! Ross: What? Phoebe: Oh, it's a secret. Oh goodie! Yes! We haven't done the secret thing in a long time. Ross: Phoebe, there is no secret. Okay? I didn't propose. Phoebe: Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us that you were a doctor? Ross: (pause) I am a doctor! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go and talk to Rachel myself. Phoebe: All right, me too. (They go into her room and see that she's sleeping.) Should we wake her up? Ross: No! No, come on let her sleep! She's so exhausted. Phoebe: And so engaged. (Points to the ring that Rachel is wearing.) Ross: What? (Motions for Phoebe to go outside with him.) Oh my God! She-she thinks we're engaged! Why? Why? Why would she think we're engaged?! Phoebe: Perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? Y'know Ross doctors are supposed to be smart. Ross: I didn't give her that ring! Phoebe: Really? Ross: No! Phoebe: So whose ring is it? Ross: It's mine. Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring? Ross: Yes! Phoebe: But you didn't give it to her? Ross: No! Phoebe: But you were going to propose? Ross: No!! Phoebe: Huh, I might be losing interest in this. Ross: Look. Look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel, but all I wanted to do is if she maybe...kinda...wanted ah...start...things up again. Phoebe: Oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment. Ross: Look, I didn't want to rush into anything. And it seemed like she didn't want to either. But I don't, I don't understand how any of this happened! What? Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume that I was going to propose, throw it on, and-and just start telling people? Phoebe: No! No, she said you actually proposed to her. Ross: Well I didn't! I didn't propose! (Pause) Unless uh... (Pause) Did I? I haven't slept in forty hours and...it does sound like something I would do. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Janitor's Closet, Chandler and Monica are trying to figure out what to do now.] Chandler: Look, we can't stay in here forever. Monica: Oh, I still can't believe my dad saw us having s*x! He didn't make it to one of piano recitals, but this he sees! Chandler: This is okay. We're all adults here; there's nothing to be ashamed of. Now, let's put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door. (They do so and find Mr. Geller leaning against a wall stunned.) Monica: Hi Dad! I can still call you that right? Mr. Geller: Of course. I'll always be your dad. Chandler: I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun. Monica: It wasn't fun?! Chandler: (To Monica) Why? Why-why-would you-Wh-why... (To Mr. Geller) Look, I just don't want you to think that we're animals who do it whenever we want. Mr. Geller: Oh, I don't think that. Before today I never thought of you two having s*x at all. It was a simpler time. Monica: The truth is, Dad, we're-we're trying. Mr. Geller: What? Monica: Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant. Mr. Geller: Oh my God! This is so exciting! Well, get back in there! (Points to the closet) I'll guard the door! Monica: Well, that's okay dad, we-we can wait until later. Mr. Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa! I don't think so! Aren't you ovulating? Monica: Daddy?! Mr. Geller: Well you gotta get at it princess! When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. That's how I got my bad hip. Chandler: That's funny, this conversation's how I got the bullet hole in my head. Mr. Geller: This one time I had my knee up on the sink and your mother, she was... Monica: Daddy! I don't think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mom had s*x. Mr. Geller: You're right, you're right. This is about your positions. Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child, although it might feel good. Monica: I don't feel good right now. Mr. Geller: But pleasure is important, (To Chandler) and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor? Chandler: Seriously sir, my brains? All over the wall. [Scene: Rachel's Room, Monica is entering.] Monica: Hey. Rachel: Hey. I need to tell you something. Monica: Well, now's a good time. I'm on my way to have my ears cut off. Rachel: Joey asked me marry him. Monica: What? Rachel: Joey proposed to me. Monica: Is he crazy?! You just had Ross's baby! Rachel: Well, I-I said yes. Monica: What?! Are you crazy? You just had Ross's baby! It's-it's so inappropriate. No, it's worse than that. It's wrong. It's... It is bigger than mine! (Rachel's engagement ring.) Rachel: I know. Days of Our Lives, thank you very much. Monica: You can't marry him! Rachel: Why not? I don't want to do this alone! And he's such a sweet guy and he loves me so much. Monica: Well do you love him? Rachel: Sure. Monica: Sure? Rachel: Yeah, I mean whatever. Monica: Honey, the question is...do you really want to marry Joey? Rachel: No. No, I don't. Could you be a dear and go tell him? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: A Hallway, Chandler is following Joey.] Chandler: You still haven't told Rachel you weren't really proposing? Joey: No! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out. Chandler: Joey, you have to tell her what's going on! And what did it look like?! Joey: I didn't look at it. Stupid baby's head was blocking most of it. Chandler: Go and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out. Joey: Look, it's not that easy. She said she wanted to marry me. I don't want to hurt her. Chandler: Okay, look, just do it gently. Joey: You're right. You're right. I-I'll go tell her now before Ross finds out and I'll be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there (Points to the closet Chandler and Monica were in) if you want to check that out. [Scene: Rachel's Room, Ross is entering.] Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Ross: Listen, I um... I heard about the engagement. Rachel: Surprised? Ross: And confused. Rach, sweetie, I-I um...I didn't propose to you. Rachel: I know. Ross: I don't think you do. Rachel: You didn't propose to me. Joey did. Ross: Poor baby, you're so tired. Rach, I didn't propose to you, Joey didn't propose to you, and Chandler didn't propose to you. Rachel: Uh... You didn't propose to me, Chandler didn't propose to me, but Joey did. (Joey enters.) Ross: Joey proposed to you? Joey: I can come back. Ross: Hey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you propose to her? Joey: No. Rachel: Yes you did! Joey: Actually, technically, I didn't. Rachel: Well then why did you give me a ring? Ross: Wait! Whoa-whoa, you...you gave her the ring? Joey: No! No, and I did not ask her to marry me! Rachel: Yes, you did! Joey: No, I didn't! Rachel: Yes, you did! Joey: No, I didn't! Rachel: Yes, you did! And don't you say, "No, I didn't!" Joey: Ahhh! Rachel: He was right there. He got down on one knee and proposed. Ross: Whoa! You were down on one knee? Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that looks bad. But I didn't...I didn't propose! Ross: Then what did happen? Rachel: Yeah, what did happen? Joey: Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing. Rachel: Yeah, but you said, "Will you marry me?" Joey: No, I didn't! Rachel: Yes, you did! Joey: No, I didn't! Rachel: Yes, you did-Oh my God you didn't! (Screams) Well then why didn't you tell me that before?! Joey: Well I tried, but people kept coming in and then you took your breast out! Ross: Whoa! Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw her breast?! Joey: (To Ross) I'll tell you about it later. Be cool. Rachel: Well then Joey, what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?! Joey: It wasn't my ring! It's Ross's ring! That's why I felt so bad Rach, because he was going to propose. Ross: What?! Rachel: You were gonna propose to me? Ross: Uhh... No. (An awkward silence follows.) Joey: Well, this is awkward. {See? I told you so.} Ross: But I-I was going to see if y'know, maybe you uh, start dating again but that-I mean that-that was all, Rach. Joey: Dude, step up! I proposed. Ross: No, you didn't! Joey: Oh that's right. There's a lot going on here and I think I ate some bad fruit earlier. (There's a knock on the door and the Nurse enters carrying Emma.) Nurse: Hey, she just woke up! She's hungry. Why don't we give this another try? Rachel: Okay. Ross: (To Joey) I can't believe you told her I was going to propose! Joey: I can't believe you're not going to propose! Ross: Hey, I'm not going to rush into anything! Joey: Oh yeah, dude, I totally understand. Usually after I have a baby with a woman I like to slow things down! Rachel: Oh my God! Ross: What? Rachel: She's doing it Look, she's breast-feeding look! Joey: (looking at the ceiling) Ah, it's beautiful. Nurse: I'll come back for her later. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Thank you. (The nurse exits.) Rachel: Oh wow, this feels weird. Ross: Good weird? Rachel: Wonderful weird. Joey: Y'know what you guys? I'm uh, I'm gonna go too. And uh, I'm sorry about everything. Rachel: Honey don't worry, it was my mistake. Joey: No, Rach, I should've told you sooner. It's just that...Man! That kid is going to town! (Joey makes his awkward exit.) Rachel: She's perfect. Ross: We're so lucky. Rachel: We really are. Ross: Look, I-I know it's not a proposal and I don't know where you are, but with everything that's been going on and with Emma and...I've been feeling... Rachel: I know. I know. I've feeling... Ross: Yeah? Rachel: Yeah. (Laughs nervously) Ross: Okay, well, that... Wow, okay, well, umm...then maybe, at least we can, we can talk about us again. Rachel: Yeah, maybe. Ross: Well good, okay. I-I, kind of think y'know if we...if... You're wearing the ring. (Pause.) Rachel: Wh-what's that? Ross: And you told Phoebe you were engaged. Rachel: I'm sorry, what? Ross: When you thought Joey proposed did...did you say yes? Closing Credits [Scene: Outside the Janitor's Closet, there are people having s*x and Mr. Geller is trying to give them some pamphlets.] Mr. Geller: Kids, I spoke to a doctor and picked up this pamphlets on how to get pregnant. (He slides them under the door.) Monica: (walking by with Chandler.) Hey dad! Chandler: Hey. Mr. Geller: (pause) Sorry to bother you again, but could you pass my pamphlets back? (They do so.) Thank you.

Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who does Rachel think proposed to her? A: a misunderstanding; Q: What does Joey say his proposal was? A: difficulty; Q: What does Joey have in finding an opportune moment to explain his proposal? A: Ross; Q: Who is planning to ask Rachel if she wants to resume their relationship? Summary: After Rachel mistakenly thinks Joey proposed, he tries to explain that it was a misunderstanding, but has difficulty finding an opportune moment. Meanwhile, Monica and Chandler continue trying for a baby, while Ross, unaware that Joey has proposed to Rachel, plans to ask her if she wants to resume their relationship.

[Gilbert's House] (Elena wakes up. She gets up and takes her phone to call Stefan) [Salvatore's House] (Stefan is writing in his diary. He looks at his phone and ignore Elena's call. He looks at his phone but finally turn it to not look at it) [Gilbert's House] (Elena leaves a voicemail to Stefan) Elena: Stefan, hey. Um... It's me. I really have to talk to you. Please call me back (Then she calls someone else) [Salvatore's House] (Damon takes his phone. It's Elena) Damon: What? Elena: Hey. I called you 10 times last night. We need to talk Damon: Sorry. I've been busy Elena: If you're mad at me, Damon, you need to get over it Damon: Oh, I'm over it (He hangs up and lays down. Rebekah is asleep next to him) (Rebekah and Damon are up. She's wearing her dress from the ball) Rebekah: So let's not make a big deal out of this Damon: My thoughts exactly Rebekah: Besides, I expect you'll come calling soon enough Damon: Let's not hold our breath (He opens the door. Elena's here. She's surprised. Rebekah smiles and leaves. Elena enters) Elena: Did you stop taking your vervain? Damon: You think Rebekah had to compel me? Elena: What's wrong with you? She tried to kill me less than 48 hours ago Damon: Can't we just move past that, Elena? Elena: So is that how it's gonna be now? I hurt your feelings, and this is how you lash out at me? Damon: Well, maye, for once, something I did had nothing to do with you Elena: You should know... that Esther's planning on killing her entire family. She's linked them all together with a spell. Whatever happens to one happens to all of them Damon: That's great. Klaus'll finally be dead. We win. Why do you look like someone just shot a panda bear? Elena: Because to kill Klaus, she has to kill all of them, including Elijah, and he doesn't deserve this Damon: I'm supposed to care about Elijah? Elena: Shouldn't you at least care about Rebekah? Damon: 2 secons ago, you were pissed that she attaked you. It's a win-win (She turns herself but Damon intersepts her with his super speed) Damon: Don't do anything to screw this up, Elena Elena: Why are you doing this? (Stefan arrives) Stefan: He's right, you know. Klaus has to die they all do Damon: See? It's democracy in action (She leaves, pushing Damon on her way out) [Klaus' House] (Elijah is in the office and finds burned sage) (Kol and Klaus are in the living room. Rebekah arrives. Kol gets up) Kol: Well, well, well... there's our girl Rebekah: Get out of my way, Kol Kol: Out all night. What a scandal. I trust you did better than that commoner. Matt, was it? Rebekah: If you don't shut your mouth, the next thing to come out of it will be your teeth (She pushes him. Klaus, who's drawing, smiles) Rebekah: Don't start, Nik Klaus: I didn't say anything (Kol sits down) Kol: I'm bored. Our sister is a strumpet, but at least she's having fun. I need entertainment Klaus: What are you waiting for? Go on. Have at it Kol: It's no fun to go alone. Join me, Nik. It's the least you could do after sticking a dagger in my heart Klaus: Ok. Why not? (He gets up) Klaus: I didn't have nearly enough to drink last night, what with you trying to murder Rebekah's date Rebekah: Yes, please go. This house has enough men rolling around in it Kol: Just like you, Bekah (They leave. Rebekah throws a shoe at them) Rebekah: Good ridance, both of you (Elijah enters, the burned sage in his hand) Elijah: Rebekah Rebekah: Not you, too, Elijah Elijah: I'm worried about mother. Have you not noticed her strange behavior? Rebekah: She's been dead for a thousand years what's strange for her? (He shows her the sage) Elijah: Burned sage. She was doing a privacy spell (She takes it) Rebekah: You know she fancy such things. Why don't you ask Finn? He's been doting on her Elijah: I don't trust Finn. He hates what we are. He always has Rebekah: He hates what we are. He always has. And as for mother, she returned for one reason, to make her family whole. She loves us. What trouble are you looking to find? [Caroline's House] (Bonnie and Elena are in Caroline's bedrrom. Bonnie is sitting on the bed, doing a spell. There's candels) Elena: He was gloating, like actual gloat. Like he was proud of himself for sleeping with her. Is it working? (Caroline enters) Caroline: It's not working. I can hear every word you're saying about Damon, the vampire gigolo Bonnie: I don't know. It's a tricky spell Elena: When Esther did it, she kept the sage burning. There was a lot more smoke Bonnie: All right, try it again (She burns the sage and shakes it. Bonnie and Elena look at Caroline. She gets out and closes the door) Bonnie: Speaking of Esther, you should know she came to see me and Abby this morning Elena: And all this time, you let me vent about Damon? Bonnie: I don't want you to worry Elena: Ok, well, what did she want? Bonnie: She wanted to introduce herself. Abby and I helped bring her back. She's channeling our entire ancestral bloodline for power. I think she thought she was being polite Elena: Ok, well, is there a way to stop her from channeling you? Bonnie: Even if there was, why would I want that? Elena: I just keep thinking... Before the sun and the moon ritual, Elijah found a way to keep me alive. And now I'm in the exact same position, and I'm just gonna let him die? It just doesn't feel right (Caroline enters) Caroline: Ok, first of all, this privacy spell is totally not working. Second, Elena, you are not doing this. Esther is doing this Bonnie: There's no time to chane your mind, Elena. He'll be dead by the end of the night Elena: What? Bonnie: It's a full moon. Esther needs to harness the energy of a celestial event. She asked me and Abby to join her [Salvatore's House] (Stefan rejoins Damon in the library) Damon: Join me for a little victory drink? Stefan: We should wait until Klaus is dead Damon: Why are you so extra broody? Didn't you see the way we stood up to Elena? I like you on my team. Must have driven her nuts Stefan: You still think she' gonna screw this up, don't you? Damon: Think somebody needs to talk to her. She's not gonna listen to anything I say Stefan: Is it because of your little sleepover? Damon: It's not my fault she decided to get jealous Stefan: Well, given who you chose to sleep with, I would say it's 100% your fault Damon: Whatever. Did you a favor. Now you can come in and sweep her off her feet Stefan: Nah. She's better off without me. Sure as hell better off without you Damon: Fine. Neither one of us gets her. Just make sure she doesn't screw up Esther's plan (He puts his glass os blood on the table and leaves. Stefan looks at the glass and turns his back) [Gilbert's House] (Elena goes down the stairs. Someone knocks on the door. She opens it. It's Elijah) Elijah: Elena Elena: Elijah Elijah: I don't mean to intrude. I was hoping you might accompany me. I want to show you something [The woods] (Elijah and Elena arrive. They get out of the car) Elijah: Forgot how much I missed this land Elena: Can't even imagine what it must have been like a thousand years ago Elijah: You know, your school was built over an Indian village. Where I saw my first werewolf. The town square was where the natives would gather to worship. Matter of fact, near that was a... there was a field where wild horses used to graze Elena: That's incredible Elijah: Come (They arrive at the church's ruins) Elena: Do you know this place, too? Elijah: I do. Below us is a cavern I used to play in as a boy, connects to a system of tunnels that stretch across the entire area. Perhaps it's nature's way of providing us with shelter against the savagery of the full moon. My mother said there must be a balance Elena: Elijah, I should probably go home Elijah: I admire you, Elena. You remind me of qualities I valued long before my mother turned us. It's not in your nature to be deceitful, and yet when I asked you about your meeting with my mother the other night, you lied to my face Elena: That's not true. I told you that all your mother wanted was a new start Elijah: I can hear your heartbeat. It jumps when you're being dishonest with me. You lied to me at the ball and you're lying to me now. Tell me the truth Elena: I never wanted this to happen Elijah: What, Elena? Elena: We were told, that whatever was gonna be in that coffin was gonna kill Klaus. When we found out that it was your mother... We didn't know what to think Elijah: Since her return, she said she only wants this family whole again Elena: When she asked to see me, I... I thought that maybe she could help, that she would find a way to kill Klaus. It's not just Klaus that she wants to kill Elijah: She wants to kill us all, doesn't she? She wants to undo the evil she created Elena: I'm so sorry, Elijah. I wish there was something I could do to help Elijah: You know, one thing I've learned in my time on this earth... Be careful what you wish for (He kicks on the ground and makes a giant hole. He catches Elena and drags her in the hole with him) [Mystic Grill] (Alaric is at the bar, on the phone with Damon) Alaric: I haven't seen Elena since this morning Damon: Well, she's not answering her phone Alaric: Well, I'm surprised you have time to call, what with all this original s*x you've been having Damon: She told you? Alaric: Oh, she told me Damon: Oh, really. Did she also tell you that she's having an attack of conscience about this whole original murder thing? Alaric: Hey, listen, I'm not gonna judge her for having a conscience Damon: Well, you don't have to judge her. Just tie her up. Lock her in her room till this is over Alaric: Well, I wouldn't if I could, and I can't, because I'm busy Damon: Busy doing what? Alaric: Don't worry about it Damon: Are you with the sexy psycho doctor? Alaric: Good-bye, Damon (He hangs up and looks at Meredith, sitting next to him) Alaric: Sorry about that Meredith: Does he still think I'm a serial killer? Alaric: He's a little judgmental Meredith: Speaking of... your X-rays were inconclusive. your knife wound was already semihealed. It's impossible to tell anything about whoever stabbed you. Short, tall, left-handed, right-handed... no clue Alaric: Well, what about my head? Why can't I remember anything about the attack? Meredith: Your CT scans were clear. Maybe you were compelled to forget Alaric: Wait. You think the killer's a... vampire? Meredith: There no other suspects. It's the obvious conclusion (Klaus and Kol arrive) Klaus: Ah, come on now. Let's not go blaming the new family in town just 'cause you lot have got yourselves a killer at large. Don't mind us. My brother and I are just here to let off some steam. Right, Kol? Kol: Right (He looks at Meredith) [Abandonned Witch House] (Bonnie and Abby arrive. Esther and Finn are waiting for them) Abby: Who's the creepy, lurky guy? Bonnie: That's Esther's son, Finn, and he's a vampire, so... (She makes a sign to tell her that he can hear them) Abby: Wonder what your grams thinks about the part we're playing in all this balance of nature stuff? Bonnie: She's probably on the other side, screaming about getting involved with vampire business Esther: Bennett witches, thank you for coming. I could think of no better allies than the woman who sent Mikael into his long sleep and the girl who fought Niklaus so bravely Abby: Why exactly did you invite us here? Esther: You are the descendants of the witch Ayana. She was a great mentor of mine, and I think it's only fitting that I draw from her bloodline Bonnie: So are you channeling our ancestors? Esther: I draw from the entirety of the Bennett bloodline, living and dead. The connection affords me great power, although it is somewhat difficult to maintain, which is why I require you, mother and daughter, the bloodline made manifest (She takes their hands) Esther: Tonight, my sisters, we shall bring peace to the spirits of nature that we serve, and for that, I thank you [The Caverns] (Elena is walking through the caverns and falls ont Rebekah) Rebekah: Going somewhere? Elena: What are you doing here? Rebekah: Not much, unless you try to run... in which case, I get to kill you (She smiles) [Salvatore's House] (Stefan enters) Stefan: Can't find her anywhere (Elijah is here, sitting on a chair. Damon is looking at him) Elijah: Hello, Stefan Damon: He has Elena Elijah: Actually she's with Rebekah. As you can imagine, my sister's just dying to tear her throat out. So if you want to save Elena's life, I need you to help me stop my mother Damon: I'm a little embarrassed to admit, but when it comes to killing thousand-year-old resurrected witches, I'm a little rusty Elijah: Yes, unfortunately even when killed, my mother doesn't seem to want to stay dead. Not with the spirits of nature at her side Stefan: So what are we supposed to do? Elijah: The witches that released my mother, she's drawing her power from their bloodline. That line needs to be broken Stefan: Broken? Damon: Yeah, he means... (He makes a sign to show him they has to kill them) Stefan: You want us to kill them? Elijah: You know I'd do it myself, but I've absolutely no idea where they are. Besides, seeing me, they'd immediately know my intent. They won't expect to be harmed by the likes of you. In any case, you have until 6 minutes after 9:00 to find them Damon: Oh, how super-specific of you Elijah: By 9:07, the moon'll be full. My mother will have the power she needs to kill me and my family. If you do not stop her before then, Rebekah will kill Elena. So we all have our timeline. I suggest you get started (He leaves) [The Caverns] (Rebekah is filming Elena with her phone) Rebekah: All right, love. Now look into the camera Elena: What are you doing? Rebekah: Shooting your picture to inspire your boyfriends. Why don't you tell them how delightful it is being stuck in a hole with your biggest fan Elena: I guess you think I had this coming, after what I did to you Rebekah: You know, I don't know what I want more... To find out we're saved, or to find out it's all right to kill you Elena: This isn't my fault. I wanted to get rid of Klaus. At one point, so did you. I didn't know that your mom was planning on killing all of you Rebekah: Do you think I want to spend what could be the last few hours of my life having idle chitchat with a girl who literally stabbed me in the back? Of course not. But for some reason, everybody seems to want to bend over backwards to save your life, which is incredibly annoying, but makes you the perfect hostage. So why don't you sit down and shut up before I ruin everything by ripping your head off (Elena sits down) [Salvatore's House] (Stefan opens the refrigerator, looks at the blood bags and takes one. He looks at it and doesn't open it. Damon arrives) Damon: Clock's ticking. You gonna bring some plans, or you are too busy fixing a snack? Stefan: We need to call Bonnie. There's gotta be a way for her to stop Esther from channeling all that power Damon: A, what if she's with Esther? B, what if she can't cut her off? C, I don't know how any of this stuff works, and, D, neither do you Stefan: You got a better plan? Damon: Worst-case scenario, simple mechanics. Can't draw power from a dead battery. Stefan: Kill 'em Damon: If it comes to that (He takes the blood bag from his hands and drinks. Then he gives it back to him) Stefan: There's gotta be another way Damon: Well, what if I told you I had a less diabolical plan? (He shows him a dagger) Stefan: You wanna dagger Elijah Damon: Well, they're all linked. One goes down, they all go down. The witches live. Elena's safe. Problem solved Stefan: We don't know how that'll affect Klaus Damon: Ironically, Klaus isn't our current problem Stefan: Dagger's lethal to any vampire who uses one Damon: Well, I just so happen to know someone crazy enough to give it a shot [Mystic Grill] (Alaric is by the pool table and on the phone with Damon. He looks at Klaus and Kol. Meredith is playing pool) Alaric: Yeah. No, they're still here. Yeah. They've drank their way through half the Grill's liquor supply Damon: Good. It'll be easier if they'er wasted Alaric: So what's the plan? Damon: Divide and conquer. Frst we'll need a little blonde distraction (Caroline enters. She looks at Alaric and goes at the bar) (Klaus and Kol are looking at her) Kol: I remember her from last night. She looks like a tasty little thing Klaus: Say another word, and I'll tear out your liver. Caroline Caroline: Oh, it's you Klaus: Join us for a drink? Caroline: Mm, I'd rather die of thirst, but thanks (She leaves) Klaus: Isn't she stunning? Kol: She certainly looks good walking away from you Klaus: I'll take that as a challenge (He goes outside and runs after Caroline) Klaus: Caroline! Caroline: Are you serious? Take a hint Klaus: Don't be angry, love. We had a little spat. I'm over it already Caroline: Ah, well, I'm not Klaus: Well, how can I acquit myself? Caroline: You and your expensive jewelry and your romantic drawings can leave me alone Klaus: Oh, come on. Take a chance, Caroline. Talk to me (He sits on the bench) Klaus: Come on. Get to know me. I dare you Caroline: Fine (She sits down next to him) Caroline: So what do you want to talk about? Klaus: I want to talk about you. Your hopes. Your...your dreams. Everything you want in life Caroline: Just to be clear, I'm too smart to be seduced by you Klaus: Well, that's why I like you [SCENE_BREAK] [Abandonned Witch House] (Esther, Bonnie, Abby and Finn are preparing everything for the ritual. There's a pentagram on the ground and torches around it) Esther: The pentagram represents our connection to magic. The salt is a symbol of the earth Bonnie: And the torches? Esther: 5 torches, one for each of my children Bonnie: What's the spell you're doing? Esther: As the witch who cast the spell that made them vampires, I can also reverse it. When they become human again, they can be killed. As they are linked as one, my brave Finn will be the sacrifice. With his death will come theirs (Abby looks at him) Abby: And you're just willing to die? Finn: My mother's releasing me from an eternity of shame. It's not a sacrfice. It's a gift [Mystic Grill] (Meredith is playing pool, alone. Kol rejoins her) Kol: A woman of your caliber ought to choose more suitable company. What's your name, love? Meredith: None of your business Kol: Let's try that again. I'll start. I'm Kol Meredith: Why don't you get lost, Kol? Kol: And why would I do that? I like pretty little things with sharp tongues (Alaric arrives) Alaric: Pretty sure she told you to get lost Kol: Pretty sure I don't care (Alaric drives the dagger through his heart. Meredith puts herself in front of her to hide them) (Every originals is affected and collapses. Elena take this opportunity to run) (Kaul feels something and gets up) Caroline: What is it? Klaus: What did you do? Caroline: Nothing (He catches her) Klaus: What did you do? Caroline: I didn't do anything. Stop it (He looks at the Mystic Grill) Klaus: Kol (Alaric drags Kol in the alley behind the Mystic Grill. Damon and Stefan are here) Damon: Tell the sexy doctor good work (Klaus arrives, takes the dagger from Kol and throws Alaric against the wall. Stefan rushes toward him but Klaus throws him against a wall too. Then he rushes on Damon) Klaus: I should have killed you months ago Damon: Do it. That's not gonna stop Esther from killing you Klaus: What did you say about my mother? Damon: You didn't know I was friends with your mummy? Yeah, we have a lot in common. She hates you as much as I do (Klaus is about to kill him but Elijah arrives) Elijah: Leave him! We still need him, Niklaus Klaus: What did mother do? What did she do, Elijah? (Elijah takes his phone and looks at damon) Elijah: You tell me where the witches are or I'll have my sister kill Elena right now Damon: You told me we had until after 9:00 Elijah: I'm sure Rebekah'd be more than happy to start her work early [The Caverns] (Rebekah has woken up. She gets up and rushes through the caverns. Elena is running) Rebekah: You can't hide, Elena! Not sure why I'm feeling under the weather. Must be your boys trying to find loophole. Won't Matter. I could chase you down on my worst day (Elena arrives at the place where they hid Esther's coffins but Rebekah catches her before she can enter but Elena hits her and rushes in it) Rebekah: You little bitch (She tries to enter but can't) Rebekah: What is this? Elena: Sorry. No vampires allowed [Meredith's Appartment] (Meredith is helping Alaric. He tries to get up) Meredith: No, no, no, no Alaric: Listen, Elena's still out there. I need to go find her Meredith: Shut up. Stay seated. You might have a concussion Alaric: So this is your place, huh? Meredith: Kind of a slob. Housekeeping is not high on my priority list Alaric: I see that (She looks at his eyes) Meredith: Look at me. Pupillary response is normal. You might have a broken rib Alaric: Well, that kind of sucks, getting my ass kicked on a date Meredith: That's what you get picking fights with guys 30 times your age Alaric: Yeah Meredith: Rest. Damon and Stefan are gonna take care of Elena. I am going to take care of you [The woods] (Damon and Stefan arrive at the woods and park the car) Damon: So how do we know they're gonna be at the old witch house? Stefan: We don't, but if they're not, then we have about 10 minutes till Rebekah tears Elena apart Damon: And if we sit this out, Esther completes her spell, Klaus dies, you get your revenge. It's what you wanted the whole time. The only collateral damage is... Stefan: Elena Damon: You know what she'd choose Stefan: She'd let herself be killed to save a friend Damon: Yep Stefan: If we do this, it'll wreck her Damon: Oh, she'll hate us. Thing is she only needs to hate one of us. Only one of us has to do the actual deed Stefan: So who's it gonna be, brother? (Damon takes a coin) Damon: Heads, I do it. Tails, you do it Stefan: Awful lot of effort for someone who pretends not to care about her anymore Damon: Pot, kettle, brother (He flips the coin. Stefan looks at it and then looks at Damon) [The caverns] (Elena is still in the part protected from the vampires. She looks around her and looks to see if Rebekah is still here. She isn't there) Rebekah: Elena (She comes back with a gasoline tank) Rebekah: Let's pick it up where we left off (Rebekah throws Gasoline on Elena and all around her) Elena: What are you doing? Rebekah: Thought I'd shake things up a bit Elena: Are you insane? Rebekah: I prefer spontaneous. That's probably why Damon likes me so much. Here's what's gonna happen (She lits a match and throws it next to Elena. The ground is on fire) Rebekah: You're gonna come outside... or you're gonna stay in there and burn. The next match is landing on you. So, Elena, how does it feel to know that these may be your last moments? Elena: I don't know. You tell me. You're the one whose mother is trying to kill you Rebekah: You should be very careful what you say to me Elena: You're still wearing her necklace Rebekah: Do you want it? Is that your last request? Here. It's all yours (She tears the necklace from her neck and throws it at Elena) Elena: She's not doing this because she hates you, Rebekah. She told me that she... she just doesn't have another choice Rebekah: Spare me your pity, Elena. We're not girlfriends. You want me to prove it? Say the word (She lights a match) Elena: You're not gonna do it Rebekah: And why is that? Elena: Because there's still a chance that you might be alive tomorrow, and if that's the case, and you kill me now, you'll have used up all of your revenge. Wasted it. And isn't that what you want, revenge. Because I... I pretended to like you and then I stuck a dagger in your back? I mean, that's why you slept with Damon, isn't it? That's why you're tormenting me, because I hurt your feelings (She drops the match) Rebekah: The tough act doesn't suit you Elena: I never said I was tough. We both know that I'm right [Abandonned Witch House] (Esther, Bonnie, Abby and Finn are outside. Finn looks at Esther) Finn: They're coming, mother Esther: No. It's too soon. The moon is not high enough. Go quickly (Bonnie and Abby go inside the house. Klaus, Elijah and Kol arrive) Esther: My sons, come forward Finn: Stay beside me Esther: It's ok. They can't enter (She enters the pentagram and takes Finn's hand) Kol: That's lovely. We are stuck out here while the favorite son plays sacrificial lamb. How pathetic you are, Finn Esther: Be quiet, Kol. Your brother knows virtue you cannot even imagine Elijah: Whatever you think of us, killing your own children would be an atrocity Esther: My only regret is that I did no let you die a thousand years ago Klaus: Enough. All this talk is boring me. End this now, mother, or I'll send you back to hell Esther: For a thousand years, I've been forced to watch you, felt the pain of every victim, suffered while you shed blood. Even you, Elijah, with your claim to nobility you're no better. All of you... you're a curse on this earth stretched out over generations. If you've come to plead for your life... I'm sorry. You've wasted your time (Bonnie and Abby are in the house) Abby: This place has some serious vibe in it Bonnie: The witch spirits will protect us from the originals, but we should get into the basement (Bonnie goes into the basement but Abby hears a noise and doesn't go. Bonnie is in the basement and calls Abby) Bonnie: Abby! (She hears a noise and turns herself. Stefan's here) Bonnie: Stefan, what's going on? Stefan: They took Elena. They're gonna kill her unless we stop Esther Bonnie: God, Stefan, I... I can't stop her. She's channeling us Stefan: Bonnie, if you can't stop her... I have to find another way Bonnie: Stefan, no. What are you gonna do? Even if you kill us, Esther's channeling every witch in our ancestry, living and dead Stefan: Esther's drawing from the witches, and the only way to cut her off is if one of you is no longer a witch (Damon is upstairs, behind Abby. He bites his neck and makes Abby drink his blood) Damon: This'll only hurt a second (He breaks her neck) (Esther has her eyes closed) Esther: No. Sisters, do not abandon me! (The flames are stronger. Finn catches Esther. Kol hides his face. The fire shuts down. Finn and Esther have disapeared) [The Caverns] Rebekah: You can come out now. Seems your boys took care of the problem Elena: How did they do that? Rebekah: Damon turned your witch friend's mother into a vampire Elena: What? Rebekah: Quite clever, actually. They needed to sever the witch line, and, well, you can't be a witch and a vampire. In any case, you're free to go. Oh, and, uh, by the way, you were right. I do prefer taking my time watching you suffer. Much more satisfying (She leaves) [Caroline's House] (Abby is laying on Caroline's bed still dead. Bonnie is next to her. Caroline is at the front door, talking to Elena) Caroline: She doesn't want to see you Elena: Please just let me talk to her Caroline: Abby's in transition. It's gonna be really hard over the next few days, and if Bonnie needs some time to deal, then I think you should give it to her Elena: She's always been there for me, Caroline. Please let me just be there for her, too Caroline: I'm sorry, Elena. I know that you want to help, but put yourself in her shoes. Everything that happened tonight was to save you. And that's ok, because she loves you so much. But somehow she's always the one who gets hurt Elena: Yeah. You're right. I just... Just tell her that I love her, ok? Caroline: Of course I will (Elena cries and leaves. Bonnie has hears everything. She's crying too) [Salvatore's House] (Damon is washing his hands. He puts his ring. Stefan enters) Damon: Is she safe? Stefan: Elijah ket his word. Rebekah let her go Damon: Good. All's right in the world again Stefan: I lost that coin toss, Damon. Should have been me who turned Abby. Why did you do it? Damon: Cause I'm not blind. I see what's been going on around here. Hanging by threats, Stefan, barely over your last ripper binge, and all you want is to be the old Stefan again Stefan: That part of me is gone for good Damon: Oh, yeah? How long has it been since you had a drop of human blood? Stefan: How'd you know? Damon: Spend 146 years with someone, you kind of start to pick up on their tells. Into the question. How long has it been since your last drink? Stefan: Since the night I threatened to drive Elena off the wickery bridge Damon: See? You have enough to feel guilty about. Why add to the list? By the way, you're welcome Stefan: You know, you're not fooling anyone either. You still love her, Damon Damon: I do. I thought I could win her from you fair and square. She didn't want me. It's for the best. I'm better at being the bad guy anyway (He leaves) [Gilbert's House] (Elena is in her bedroom. She finds a letter on her bed. She takes it and opens it. It's a letter from Elijah) Elijah: Elena, today I did things I abhor to protect the one thing I value most, my family. If anyone can understand it, it's you. Your compassion is a gift, Elena. Carry it with you, as I will carry my regret. Always and forever, Elijah [Klaus' House] (Elijah is alone. Rebekah arrives) Rebekah: Where the bloody hell is everyone? Elijah: It's over, Rebekah Rebekah: Where's mother? Elijah: We have no mother, Only Esther, and Esther was right Rebekah: What'd you mean? Elijah: Although I talk of virtue, when it suits my needs, I kill, maim, and torment. Even today, I terrorized an innocent Rebekah: Elena is hardly innocent Elijah: And I used your hatred of her to get what I wanted... wielded you like I would a sword... my sister Rebekah: You did it to protect us, Elijah, and rightly so. We deserve to live. We are better than they are Elijah: Are we? Mother made us vampires. She didn't make us monsters. We did that to ourselves (He leaves) (Rebekah rejoins Klaus. He's burning his drawings of Caroline) Klaus: I thought you'd have gone by now. Elijah's leaving. Kol's fled. Esther and Finn are gone, too Rebekah: I hated you when I learned you killed our mother... But I realize now that after a thousand years together as a family, you're the only one who never left me Klaus: Well, aren't we a pair? Rebekah: There's something I think you need to see (She shows him her phone) Klaus: Come to brag about your skills as a torturer? Rebekah: Look at the images on the wall behind Elena. The natives told the story of our family history. Look at the images on the far wall Klaus: What is it? Rebekah: A native worshiping at the white oak tree Klaus: We burnt that tree to the ground Rebekah: Look at the markings that precede it. That's the native calendar Klaus: This can't be right Rebekah: A white oak tree 300 years after we fled back to the old world. There must have been a sapling, a new tree to replace the old. That tree could kill us. It's not over, Nik [Meredith's Apartment] (Alaric wakes up and goes in the kitchen to take pain killers. He finds photos of the crime scenes, pictures of a weapon and finds a knife. Meredith enters, a gun in her hand) Meredith: You weren't supposed to see that (She shoots)

Plan: A: Elena; Q: Who does Elijah leave in a cave? A: Damon's latest indiscretion; Q: What does Elena find out about Damon? A: Originals; Q: What is the name of the original vampires? A: her friends; Q: Who is Elena frustrated with? A: Elijah; Q: Who writes Elena a letter of apology? A: Abby; Q: Who is Bonnie's mother? A: nature; Q: What spirits are the witches trying to appease? A: all the Original vampires; Q: Who does Bonnie and her mother have to kill? A: 2 generations; Q: How many generations of Bennett witches are needed to complete the ritual? A: Bennett witches; Q: What is the name of the spell that requires 2 generations of witches? A: Meredith; Q: Who shoots Alaric? A: dagger; Q: What did Meredith and Alaric use to kill Kol? A: Rebekah's watch; Q: Who tries to set Elena on fire? A: Klaus; Q: Who finds out about the ritual? A: the bridge; Q: Where did Stefan almost drive Elena off of? A: Kol flees; Q: Who flees? A: their family; Q: Esther and Finn have fled what? A: the White Oak tree; Q: What does Rebekah realize is still out there? A: Alaric wakes; Q: Who wakes to find weapons and case files? Summary: After Elena finds out about Damon's latest indiscretion, she second guesses helping to kill the Originals and is frustrated with her friends for not agreeing with her. Elijah confronts her and reveals he knows she lied. He then leaves Elena in a cave. Meanwhile, Bonnie and her mother, Abby, find themselves playing a part in a ritual to appease the spirits of nature (by killing all the Original vampires with a spell requiring 2 generations of Bennett witches). Rebekah keeps Elena in the cave as Elijah goes to Stefan and Damon. Elijah tells them they can either stop Esther from completing the ritual by killing either Bonnie or Abby or Rebekah kills Elena. This they turn to Meredith and Alaric for help in killing Kol which ends up dagger the others linked to him. Elena escapes from Rebekah's watch and hides in the cave where no vampires can enter. Klaus finds out about the ritual as well. Rebekah tries to set Elena on fire but Elena reasons with her before she can. Klaus, Elijah, and Kol find Esther and Finn about to complete the ritual. Damon and Stefan find Bonnie and Abby and decide the only solution is for Damon to turn Abby, thus preventing her to be a witch anymore. Stefan reveals he has not had human blood since he almost drove Elena off the bridge. Elijah writes Elena a letter of apology and realizes they are not as good as they think they are. Kol flees, Elijah says he is leaving, and Esther and Finn have fled their family. Rebekah realizes the White Oak tree is still out there. Alaric wakes to find weapons and case files and Meredith shoots him.

-Lucas : (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. [In a room-Night] -Karen: Marry me. [SCENE_BREAK] [Lucas' house-Day] -Keith: We're engaged. Me and your mom talked it over. I'd like to adopt you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scott's house-Bedroom-Day] -Nathan: I wanna be your husband again, Haley. Haley kisses Nathan. [SCENE_BREAK] [Int. Tree Hill High-Class-Day] -Withey: In 1955, students at Tree Hill High School created a time capsule that was to be opened in 50 years. [SCENE_BREAK] [Ext. Tree Hill High-Day] -Principal: You wanna know what things were like 50 years ago? [SCENE_BREAK] [Int. Tree Hill High-Day] You can see Jimmy in the TV. -Jimmy: There's not a single person in this place worth remembering. Everyone here is loser. Brooke and Peyton saw Jimmy pointed a gun, and fire. [SCENE_BREAK] [Int. Tree Hill High-Library-Day] Peyton and Lucas are sitting on the floor. -Lucas: Now I may have to get you out of here but nothing will happen to you, I promise. [SCENE_BREAK] [Ext. Tree Hill High-Day] -Keith (to Dan): You got to let me try to talk to him. [SCENE_BREAK] [Int. Tree Hill High-Day] Lucas has Peyton in his arms. -Keith: Luke, I love you. Now go. -Jimmy: I wanted them to like me. -Keith: Jimmy, please. -Jimmy: I'm sorry. Jimmy point the gun to him and fire. -Keith: No! Dan take the gun... -Keith: He's gone, Danny....and fire to Keith. At the party, in Tree Hill High. -Rachel: I released the time capsule. -Mouth: I don't like you. [SCENE_BREAK] [At the cemetery-Day] It's Keith's funeral. Karen and Lucas are alone in front of Keith's tomb. FADE TO WHITE: END OF PREVIOUSLY ON: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [SCENE_BREAK] [Lucas' house-Day] Nathan waits for Lucas and look at Keith and Lucas' picture, on the wall. -Nathan: Hey, Luke, we gotta go. -Lucas (at Karen's bedroom door): So Mom, I'm gonna take off, okay?He strikes but Karen don't answer. She's sitting on the floor with a Keith and Lucas' picture and she's crying. -Lucas: Hello? Well, I'll be on my cell if you need anything. -Brooke: Don't take it personally. She's been through a lot. -Lucas: I know. She just seems so hopeless. -Brooke: Yeah, we're all gonna get our hope back, Luke. It's just gonna take some of us longer than others, you know. -Lucas: (v.o) Henry James wrote, "Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." Brooke and Lucas leave Lucas' house where Nathan, Mouth and Skills put suitcases in the car. -Nathan: I have a feeling this is gonna be a great weekend. -Mouth: Yeah, it will be kind of nice to get away. -Skills: Yeah, hopefully it'll get everybody to stop talking about you know what for a while. -Haley: hey, does anybody know anything about this place we're going to? -Peyton: All Rachel said is that it's some kind of cabin. -Brooke: Does Rachel really have to come? Can't we just leave her? -Peyton: Considering it's her family's place, I don't really think we have an option. -Brooke: I'm just saying think about it. Rachel and Bevin came in car. -Rachel: Hey, party people. -Bevin: Hey, baby, you ready to conquer the great outdoors? -Skills: If you say so. -Lucas: Skills! -Nathan: He didn't sound very enthusiastic. -Bevin: Yeah, Skills isn't really the outdoor type. -Peyton: That's okay, Pete isn't either, and he's still gonna try to meet us out there. -Haley: Who's Pete? -Bevin: Fall Out Boy. -Brooke: He's Peyton's imaginary friend. -Peyton: Brooke, he's not imaginary. You saw us together at the concert. -Brooke: And now he loves you. Wasn't it nice of Pete to put your bag in the car? -Peyton: You guys, he's coming. -Skills: Hey, you know what? Kanye rolling through, too. Everybody's laughing and Skills and Mouth put Skills' suitcase in the car. -Bevin: Skills, we are only gonna be gone for two nights. What is in that thing? -Skills: Look, baby, if I'm going to be in the middle of the woods, I need all of my stuff. CD, DVD, MP3, my pillow. -Peyton: Wait, wait. But you know we're not staying in the woods. There's a cabin. -Rachel: Think less rustic. -Skills: How much less rustic? Skills is trying to close the trunk but his suitcase is too big. [SCENE_BREAK] [Rachel's house-Day] They arrived at Rachel's house. -Skills: Now, this is my kind of roughing it. -Rachel: I thought you might like it. Come on. There came in the house. -Peyton: Rachel, this place is awesome. -Rachel: It's been in my family for years. We hardly come here anymore. My dad mostly loans it out to clients. The kitchen's fully loaded. There's a river for fishing, ATMs in the garage, plasma screen upstairs and a hot tub in the back. There's five bedrooms. Take any one but the master. Let's check them out. Everybody's going to them rooms. [SCENE_BREAK] [Lucas and Brooke's bedroom-Day] Brooke comes in the bedroom follow Lucas. -Lucas: Man, this is nice. What does Rachel's dad do for a living, anyway? -Brooke: I don't know. Maybe he's like Tony Soprano. That would explain her personality. -Lucas: Look, Rachel did a very nice thing by inviting us here. Maybe this would be a good weekend to take it easy on her. -Brooke: But isn't the point of this weekend for us to get back to normal? If Rachel and I aren't back at each other's throats, it's like the terrorists have won. (Lucas is laughing). Look at you. -Lucas: What? -Brooke: Your smile, I've missed it. -Lucas (leave to his pocket a letter) : Well, then, here's something to make you smile. My latest letter. -Brooke: Yay, more mail! -Lucas: Well, this one I really thing you're gonna like. -Brooke: This weekend is so gonna pay off for you. Brooke pulls Lucas and they fall on the bed. [SCENE_BREAK] [Rachel's house-Living room-Day] Mouth looks at the window and Rachel comes. -Rachel: You better grab a bed. The good ones are going fast. -Mouth: The couch is fine with me. -Rachel: Mouth, don't be stupid. Tell you what, why don't you just bunk with me? -Mouth: Like I said, I'm good. -Rachel: So, that's how it's gonna be? -Mouth: You don't think I know what this weekend's about? This is about you trying to relieve your guilt over the time capsule. -Rachel: If you hate me so much, why did you even come? -Mouth: I came for my friends, especially Lucas. But make no mistake. I'm here for everybody but you. Mouth go away. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the Forest-Day] Nathan and Lucas did ATVMs. They stopped a moment. -Lucas: Nice jump back there. -Nathan: You, too. I think we totally scared the carp out of come cows. -Lucas: You know what? Maybe we should be careful. I don't know, given our family driving history, one of us is bound to end up in the hospital. -Nathan: Hey, check this out. Nathan gives a wedding ring. -Lucas: Haley's ring? -Nathan: Yeah, I swiped it a couple of minutes ago. I need you to hold onto that for me. -Lucas: Why? -Nathan: Because I'm gonna ask her to marry me. -Lucas: Okay, I'm sorry, but didn't you already do that? -Nathan: Yeah, but I was thinking about Keith and your mom and how they never got a chance to stand in front of their family and friends and tell everybody how they feel, you know? -Lucas: Yeah. -Nathan: And Haley and I never did that, either. So, now that we're back together, I wanna do things the right way. Mouth arrived on a ATVMs too, and he's stopped. -Mouth: Dude, these things are awesome! I just sacred the hell out of some cows! Mouth go away. -Nathan: So what do you think, man? You gonna help me out? -Lucas: Yeah. But you do know Haley's gonna freak when she notices her ring's gone. [SCENE_BREAK] [Rachel's house-Day] Haley searches everywhere for her ring. -Haley: This cannot be happening. Payton and Rachel comes. -Peyton: What? -Haley: My ring is gone! -Rachel: Your wedding ring? -Haley: Yep. -Rachel: Why'd you take it off? -Haley: Is that really important right now? -Peyton: Okay, Haley. Calm down. Just stop. Hey, stop! We'll find it. Think. Where did you have it last? -Haley: I don't know. I had it in the car rode on the way over here. And then I just started unpacking, and then I...I think...(Haley's running to the bathroom). I think...I think I actually took it off when I washed my hands. Oh, my god, If I washed it down the drain Nathan is gonna freak out. -Peyton: Haley, chill, okay? Even if it is down the drain, we can still get it back. Do you have a pipe wrench? -Rachel: Oh, sure, in my purse next to the belt sander. -Haley (takes Rachel's jacket): Listen, jokey, go find a pipe wrench, or I'll find one and beat you with it, okay? -Rachel: So glad I invited you. I'll get the toolbox. Rachel get to the garage. [SCENE_BREAK] [Rachel's house-In the hot tub-Day] Brooke is in the hot tub and reads Lucas' letter. -Brooke: Okay, time to cry. Okay, I need to find Lucas. Brooke get out the hot tub and put a towel around her. She go to home when Skills and Bevin came. -Brooke: HI, guys. Have you seen Lucas? -Bevin: Yeah, he's out in the woods driving ATMs with Nathan and Mouth. -Brooke: Did he say when he was coming back? 'Cause I need him for something. -Bevin: Anything we can help you with? -Brooke: No, this definitely requires Lucas. I'm gonna take a nap before dinner. Bye. Brooke's running to house. -Bevin: She was horny, right? -Skills: Oh, yeah, definitely. -Bevin: You ready to get in? -Skills: Maybe for a couple of minutes. You know, the Hornets about to play the Rockets, and I really want to check out that big screen. -Bevin: But wouldn't you rather check out my big screen? -Skills: That really don't make no sense, but somehow I don't care. Skills kisses Bevin. [SCENE_BREAK] [Rachel's house-Bathroom-Day] Peyton removes the drain and water run. -Haley: What is that? -Peyton: Well, hopefully it's the crap hiding your ring. -Haley: So, we just sift through it? -Peyton: Oh, no, no. We don't sift through it. -Rachel: Look, maybe it's not in there. Where else in the house have you been? -Haley: Just check out the other bedrooms. Rachel go in the other bedrooms. She opens Brooke's bedroom and closes it straight away. -Rachel: Sorry! -Brooke: Doesn't anybody knock anymore? Rachel's laughing. -Haley: Did you find it? -Rachel: Not exactly. Brooke get out her bedroom. -Brooke: That was not what it looked like. You saw nothing. -Rachel: Brooke, I'm so sorry. I was just looking for Haley's ring. I had no idea that you'd be in there, Brooking yourself. -Brooke: Very funny. Now I supposed you're gonna go and blab about this to everybody. -Rachel: Brooke, I promise. I won't say a thing. Haley comes. -Rachel: Haley, find your ring? -Haley: No, I didn't. I found, like, a nickel and a really gross assortment of drain hair dating back to the late '80s. -Brooke: Your wedding ring? Nathan is gonna kill you. -Haley: Yeah, I know. Thanks, Brooke. -Peyton: The bathroom's a mess. (She's trying to open a drawer). Are there any extra paper towels in here? Why is it locked? -Rachel: Sorry, this cabinet's off-limits. -Brooke: Why? What's in there? -Rachel: It's just private. You know how people don't like private things revealed. -Peyton: So, look at the time. Hey, the guys from Sunkist called. They're hosting this club night tonight not too far from here, so I thought maybe we could go? -Haley: Tonight? What about my ring? -Peyton: Haley, we will find your ring. In the meantime, just hide that finger. Peyton and Haley go away. Rachel laughing to Brooke and she's go to her bedroom. [SCENE_BREAK] [In a night club-Night] Nathan brings beer to Skills, Bevin and Rachel and he's going to Haley. -Nathan: Why are you wearing those mittens? It's like a million degrees in here. -Haley: My hands are just cold tonight. Brooke and Lucas are in the other side. -Lucas: So you never said anything about my letter. -Brooke: Oh, your letter. It had a surprising effect on me. -Lucas: Well, I hoped that it would. -Brooke: Yeah, who knew words would be such a turn-on. I'm having the best time. -Lucas: Me, too. Apparently, not everyone else it. -Brooke: I'll be right back. Brooke gets to Peyton who she's alone. -Peyton: If you're coming over here to say "I told you so", save your breath. -Brooke: You haven't heard from Pete yet? -Peyton: No. -Brooke: Well, Maybe Pete lost his phone. -Peyton: Okay, this whole finger quotes thing is starting to piss me off. Mouth came. -Mouth: Listen, some guys named Rudy keeps asking me to dance, so if you could help me out, that'd be great. Peyton and Brooke are laughing and Peyton takes Mouth with her. -Brooke Just go. -Peyton: Okay. Brooke takes Lucas on the dance floor and Nathan and Haley are doing too. Skills and Bevin and Peyton and Mouth are dancing too. [SCENE_BREAK] [Rachel's house-Brooke and Lucas' bedroom-Night] Lucas is standing and he looks at the window. Brooke came behind him. -Brooke: You okay? -Lucas: Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking about how beautiful it is here. It's weird, but sometimes I have these moments where I feel like Keith is here with me. -Brooke: He is. [SCENE_BREAK] [Nathan and Haley's bedroom-Night] Nathan is sleeping but not Haley. [SCENE_BREAK] [Peyton and Mouth's bedroom-Night] Mouth and Peyton don't sleep. Mouth is on the top bed and Peyton on the lower bed. -Mouth: What are you thinking about? -Peyton: Truthfully? Whether it'd be completely pathetic if I checked again to see if Pete's called. -Mouth: I'm sorry, Peyton. -Peyton: It's not your fault, Mouth. -Mouth: No, not for that. I mean about what happened to you. You know, with your leg. -Peyton: Well, that's really sweet, Mouth, but it's not necessary. Sometimes I forget to remember how really wonderful life can be. So, I'm trying not to do that anymore. -Mouth: That's great, Peyton. Good for you. -Peyton: Good night, Mouth. -Mouth: Good night. [SCENE_BREAK] [Rachel's bedroom-Day] Rachel is in her bed and she don't sleeping too. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the kitchen-Day] Brooke comes in the kitchen and saw Pete. -Brooke: Something smells...yummy. Hi. She's go to Pete and kisses him when Peyton came. -Peyton: Pete? What is this? -Brooke: Peyton. I saw him standing here and just sort of thought I was dreaming and went for it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Pete from Fall Out Boy is here. -Peyton: I know. So I thought you were blowing me off. -Pete: I said I'd be here. -Brooke: You guys are so adorable. -Rachel: Hey, look, Pete from Fall Out boy. I'm Rachel. -Pete: Thanks for letting me crash your party. -Rachel: No problem. But if you really want to thank me, there'll be a mushroom and goat cheese omelet waiting for me when I finish my shower. Lucas came. -Pete: Do we like her? -Lucas: Pete from Fall Out boy. You showed. -Pete: Didn't anyone think I was going to show? -Lucas (to Brooke) : Hey, come on, I gotta show you something. Brooke and Lucas go outside. -Brooke: Okay, what do you wanna show me? It's freezing out here. -Lucas: This. -Brooke: Are you proposing to me? Lucas, this is really Naley... -Lucas: No, no, no. This is Haley's ring. Nathan stole it. I'm just holding onto it till he proposes to her again tomorrow. -Brooke: like a re-proposal? She's already had one. -Lucas: Nathan wants to have this big, fancy wedding. -Brooke: Oh, that is so romantic! -Haley: Oh, what is so romantic? Oh, is that my ring? -Lucas: Yeah. I found it. Surprise. -Haley: Oh, my God! Thank you! Where did you find this? -Lucas: It was on the thing next to the other thing. -Haley: I've been looking for this everywhere. Thank you so much. You're not gonna tell Nathan, are you? -Lucas: Nope. I wouldn't do that. -Haley: Thank you. Oh, God, you're the best. -Lucas: No, I'm pretty much dead. -Brooke: Yeah. -Lucas: Yeah. -Brooke: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the forest-Day] Skills and Bevin walked. -Bevin: So, that's an oak tree. And over there, that's a slippery elm. Or to use its Latin name, Ulmus rubra Muhl. -Skills: Right, that's great, baby. Look we been walking for a while now. Shouldn't we drop bread crumbs or something? -Bevin: Hey, look, badger droppings! -Skills: Yeah, baby. Look, I'm not looking at that. -Bevin: Skills, relax. I have an awesome sense of direction. I always know where north is. -Skills: Right. North, huh? -Bevin: Yep. -Skills: Okay, I got a little experiment. Close you eyes. Now, open your eyes. Now, point north again. -Bevin: There. North. Ha! -Skills: Before, when you pointed, you pointed that way. -Bevin: Uh-uh. -Skills: Yes, you did. Before, when you pointed, those berries was on your left-hand side. Now which side they on? -Bevin: Skills, I said I'm good with directions. Not this whole left-right thingy. -Skills: Great, so we lost. I don't know I let you talk me into this, man. [SCENE_BREAK] [Rachel's house-Day] Peyton and Pete went to the swing. -Peyton: So thanks for going on this walk with me, Pete. The doctor says it's good therapy for my leg. -Pete: No problem. You know, your friends are pretty cool, too. -Peyton: Oh, God, well, you should've heard all the crap they were giving me before you showed up. I was starting to get scared you were gonna be my Snuffleupagus. -Pete: Your Snuffa...What? -Peyton: My Snuffleupagus. You watched Sesame Street, right? -Pete: No, I was kind of more like, you know, like a Transformers kind of kid. -Peyton: Oh, no, okay, well...Snuffleupagus is like this big, hairy, mopey, elephant thing that only Big Bird could see. And so, whenever he talked about him to other people, everyone thought Big Bird was just making him up. -Pete: Right, so Snuffleupagus would just show up and start cooking everybody breakfast... -Peyton: No! Okay, maybe something like that. So this is like...I don't know, I just never would've pictured this. You know, a famous rock star showing up in the middle of nowhere to hang out with a girl barely knows. -Pete: Actually, that's not true. -Peyton: What is? -Pete: I mean, even though we just met each other, I feel like know you pretty well. -Peyton: How do you figure? -Pete: Well, I listened to your podcasts and your artwork, your dad, everything with Ellie, that Jake guy... -Peyton: Okay, well, if you're gonna put it that way, I guess I probably know you pretty well, too. I mean, I know all the lyrics to your songs. Like, "My pen is the barrel of the gun. Remind me which side you should be on." -Pete: So a hot girl quotes me to me. Is that wrong if that turns me on? -Peyton: Maybe a little. Since we know each other so well, I guess it's okay if I do this. Peyton kisses Pete. -Pete: You know what? You're right. This walk was a good idea. [SCENE_BREAK] [On the lake-Day] Nathan and Lucas are fishing for. -Lucas: Okay, so it was a bad idea. -Nathan: Why would you even show the ring to Brooke? -Lucas: I don't know. I was excited. You know how Brooke likes these kind of things. -Nathan: The proposal's ruined now, you know. -Lucas: I mean, you don't need a ring to propose. You know, you could just adjust your plan a little bit. -Nathan: 'Cause that's all Haley and I ever do. Ever since we got married, nothing's gone the way we planned it. Something always gets in the way. Like music or High Flyers or Chris, Dan. -Lucas: But isn't that just, well, life? I mean everything doesn't have to be perfect. -Nathan: No, but this does. Why couldn't this one moment just work out the way I planned it? Just once, you know, for Haley. -Lucas: You know what? You're right. -Nathan: What are you doing?-Lucas: We're going to go get that ring back. You're right, Nate. You and Haley deserve that perfect moment at least one in your life. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the forest-Day] Skills and Bevin are always lost. -Bevin: Skills, what are you doing? We have to keep walking. -Skills: For what? So we could get more lost than we already are? Look, baby, let's just stay put. Once it gets dark, somebody will come looking for us. -Bevin: Okay, I'll make a campfire. -Skills: With what? -Bevin: Girl Scout motto, "Always come prepared". -Skills: Okay. -Bevin: The fire will keep us warm and attract the rescue helicopters. -Skills: Look at my baby. Look at the little Scout. -Bevin: These matches are pretty old, but they still work! -Skills: Okay, cool. Let's see the fire. What? -Bevin: That was the last one. [SCENE_BREAK] [Rachel's home-Day] Brooke is reading a book and Lucas came. -Brooke: So how mad was Nathan? -Lucas: Not thrilled. But I told him I'd get the ring back. -Brooke: Great, so get it back. -Lucas: How? There's no way Haley's gonna let that ring out of her sight now. -Brooke: Lucas, there's always a way. Brooke comes in the hot tub with Haley. -Haley: Hey. -Brooke: Hey. -Haley: Cute. -Brooke: You're not seriously wearing your ring in here, are you? -Haley: Yeah, why? -Brooke: Swirling water, big drain... -Haley: You know what? That's a really good point, actually. Haley removes her ring and wear its round one's neck. -Haley: Thanks, Brooke. -Brooke: Yeah. Haley does the dishes and she's putting her ring next to her. Brooke comes and take it. -Haley: Brooke. Mouth and Haley are sitting on the settee. Mouth reads and Haley's sleeping. Brooke comes with soap and spill it on Haley's hand. Haley wakes up. -Haley: What the hell? [SCENE_BREAK] [In the kitchen-Night] Pete is cooking with Peyton and Rachel. -Peyton: Hey, Lucas, it's getting dark out. What are Bevin and Skills doing? -Rachel: If they stay out much longer, they're gonna miss dinner. -Lucas: You're right. You got a flashlight? Perfect. Be right back. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the forest-Night] Bevin and Skills are always lost and Lucas call out Bevin and Skills names. -Lucas: Bevin! Skills! Bevin! Skills! -Skills: You hear that? -Bevin: What? -Skills: That voice. It sounded like Lucas. -Bevin: Where's that light coming from? -Skills: Come on. -Lucas: Skills! Bevin! Skills! Bevin! -Skills: Man, that is Lucas! -Lucas: You guys coming dinner or what? -Skills: You mean to tell me that house has been there the whole damn time? -Bevin: I told you I knew where north was. [SCENE_BREAK] [Rachel's House-Night] Girls are laughing. -Haley: Yeah, I guess between me losing my ring and Bevin and Skills losing themselves, it has been a pretty eventful weekend. -Nathan: I thought you were gonna get that ring. -Lucas: Brooke's working on it. -Nathan: Yeah, well, you're running out of time. The group are in the living room. -Bevin: Hey, guys, I got a idea. How about we play "I never"? -Peyton: Oh, yeah, that always turns out great. Catfight with Nikki anyone? -Bevin: Come on, it'll be fun. I'll start. I never had a gold record. Pete's drinking. -Haley: Come on, that's easy. -Brooke: Drink up! -Mouth: Okay, Pete, you do one. -Pete: Okay. I've never spent a cool weekend in the woods. -Mouth: All right. -Haley: That's cute. Everybody's drinking. -Rachel: Okay, that was lame. -Brooke: Okay, that was rude. -Rachel: Really? -Brooke: Yeah. -Rachel: Okay, my turn. I never got caught Brooking myself in the bedroom yesterday. -Brooke: You said you weren't gonna tell. -Rachel: We didn't shake on it. -Peyton: Wait. Brooking yourself? What is that? Oh, no. They're laughing. -Brooke: Okay! -Rachel: Come on, Brooke, drink up. Brooke's drinking and Bevin too. -Skills: Wait, hold on, Bevin. Why you drinking? You even know what that means? -Bevin: I Brooke myself all the time. -Skills: If she keep on talking like that, I might have to Brooke myself. -Brooke Okay! Can we please stop calling it that? Nathan go away. -Brooke: That is not attractive on you. Stop it! [SCENE_BREAK] [Outside of Rachel's house-Night] -Lucas: Yo, you okay? -Nathan: Yeah. I was just trying to think of an "I never", and I realized I never spent enough time with him, you know? Keith. But it's weird. Even though he's gone, a part of me just still feels really happy for the time that I did have. -Lucas: Well, I think that's what this weekend's about. You know, not regretting our pasts, but appreciating everything that's we've got now. Great friends, great memories...And you know what? I think it's exactly how he would want it. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the kitchen-Night] Rachel clean the dishes. -Rachel: Hey, Brooke. You here to give me a hand? Sorry. It just slipped out. -Brooke: That's funny for a girl who should be watching her back. -Rachel: Brooke Davis, are you threatening me? -Brooke: Let's just say payback's a bitch. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the living room-Night] Brooke is in Lucas' arms and Haley's sleeping on Nathan's knee. -Lucas: Look, I know you have your issues with Rachel, but we all ready needed this weekend. We still glad we came? -Brooke: Of course. I'm with you. -Lucas: But we still need to get that ring back. -Brooke: Yeah. -Lucas: Any idea? -Brooke: No, you? Wait a second. -Lucas: You got something? -Brooke: Yeah, but it's not subtle. Brooke stands up and spills her cup on Haley. -Brooke: Oh, Haley. I'm so sorry. I tripped over the table. Here, here, let me...Let me soak this in club soda. You should go take a shower or... -Haley: That's not a bad idea, actually. -Brooke: I'm sorry. -Haley: It's okay. -Brooke: God, it's terrible. This is really bad. Take care of that. I'll be right back. Brooke comes in the bathroom and she looks for Haley's ring. She's taking the ring and knocks down Haley's watch in the toilet. Pete and Peyton are at the Peyton's bedroom door. -Pete: You know, I had a really great time today, Peyton. -Peyton: Yeah, me, too. -Pete: I probably should go sleep on the couch, though. -Peyton: Yeah, you should, but you're not going to. Peyton kisses Pete and go in her bedroom. [SCENE_BREAK] [In Peyton's bedroom-Night] -Peyton: So how many tattoos do you have, anyway? -Pete: Let's see, 37. No, wait, 38. I just got your name on my lower calf. You all right with that? -Peyton: Shut up! Stop it! -Pete: So what about you, Peyton? You got any tats? -Peyton: I just have this dark angel between my shoulder blades. -Pete: Really? -Peyton: No. Can you imagine what my dad would do if I came home with a tattoo? I'm in high school. -Pete: Right. -Peyton: Speaking of which, how's this supposed to work, anyway? -Pete: What, me and you? -Peyton: Yeah. I mean, we're just in two totally different places. You're this rock star. I'm just trying to pass AP English. -Pete: I mean, I feel like answer's to not overthink things. You know, we're just having fun, right? -Peyton: Yeah, sure. -Pete: And then we'll figure it out. -Peyton: So, that's your solution? We'll just figure it out? -Pete: Why not? Too easy? -Mouth: Whatever it is, can you figure it out soon? I'm trying to sleep up here. -Peyton: Mouth, how long have you been up there? -Mouth: Since you guys came in and started making out. -Peyton: Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. Mouth! Did you know he was up there? -Pete: Totally. I thought you were cool with it. -Peyton: Oh, God. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the bathroom-Night] Haley go out of the shower. She saw her watch is in the toilet. -Haley: Oh, crap. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the hot tub-Night] Rachel is in the hot tub and Mouth came. -Rachel: Hey. -Mouth: Hey. You've done a great thing, Rachel. Having everyone here like this. -Rachel: Even if it's all about me relieving my guilt? -Mouth: I was wrong. People are healing. Lucas, Haley. Peyton's really healing with that Pete guy. -Rachel: Still doesn't make up for me opening the time capsule. -Mouth: You know, I never asked why you did it. -Rachel: Mouth... -Mouth: You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just...I just want to understand why you opened the time capsule. -Rachel: I don't know. To mess with people, I guess. I thought if I opened it, it would reveal everyone for who they really were. You know, just, like, throw a wrench in the works and watch them squirm. I didn't want anyone to die. I'm gonna tell everybody that I did it. -Mouth: No, you shouldn't. -Rachel: And why not? At least then they'd have someone to blame. -Mouth: Rachel, there was so much more going on with Jimmy than anyone knew, more than you could've known. -Rachel: But the time capsule set him off. -Mouth: And if it hadn't, something else would have. I looked at the capsule, too, Rachel. And it was wrong. But people are healing now. Peyton and Lucas, the people who were hurt the most. It won't do them any good to take them back there again. I say you bury it and keep it buried, just like the time capsule should've been. -Rachel: What about you? Can you forgive me? -Mouth: Only if you can forgive me. So, you want some company in there or... -Rachel: I think I can probably squeeze you in. Rachel pulls Mouth and he's fall into the water. -Rachel: I'm sorry, Mouth. I wish I could take it all back. -Mouth: Yeah, me, too. Mouth take it her in his arms. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the living room-Night] Brooke is in Lucas' arms. -Brooke: What's that scar there? -Lucas: From when I was six. When I went on this camping trip with my mom and Keith. It was the first time I'd ever gone fishing. And I accidentally hooked myself right through the thumb. -Brooke: Ouch. -Lucas: Yeah. Hurt like hell. Well, I started crying. So, Keith takes out his pocketknife and cuts his thumb, too, and said if we rubbed them together that we'd be "blood brothers". -Brooke: That's sweet. -Lucas: Well, mow whenever I look at that scar, I can remember that time and feel good. But what about my mom? You know, you said that everybody will heal eventually. But what if she doesn't? I mean, she's just so angry right now and tortured. -Brooke: I know. But you've done everything you can. Everything, right? And whether she shows it or not, in her heart, your mom knows that you're there for her. Promise. -Lucas: So what do I do now? -Brooke: I don't know. Have faith that she's gonna get better. [SCENE_BREAK] [In town hall-Dan's office-Night] Karen arrived with a box. -Karen: I was going though Keith's belongings, and I found some things that I thought you should have. Things that might mean something to you. The adoption papers that Keith filed to father the child that you abandoned. Invitation to Keith's wedding. His wedding to Julia, that is, or Emily or whatever the hell her name was. The wedding to the hooker that you hired to seduce your brother. Keith Scott Motors. He loved that place. At least, until you swindled him out of it. -Dan: Karen! -Karen: You killed him. You may not have pulled the trigger, but you let him go into that school. -Dan: Karen, I had no idea Keith was going inside. I was trying to keep everyone safe. I had responsibility as the mayor. -Karen: Responsibility as the mayor! What about your responsibility as a brother? What about your responsibility as a father? You had two sons in there, Dan! Where were you for them? While Keith was lying there, dying, where were you? I wish it had been you who died I that school. [SCENE_BREAK] [Rachel's House-Day] Brooke, Peyton, Haley, Rachel et Pete are in front of the mirror and they're put on one's make-up. Bevin join Skills and take her arms around him. -Bevin: Tank you. -Skills: For what? -Bevin: I know you didn't want to come here, Skills. But you did anyway. -Skills: Of course I did, ma. You're my shorty. -Bevin: I always wanted to be someone's shorty. Brooke and Pete are in the kitchen. -Pete: See,, the key in whisking is the more you whisk, the more air becomes trapped, makes eggs spongy. -Brooke: Oh. Peyton and Lucas look at Pete and Brooke. -Lucas: You look happy. -Peyton: You, too. Nathan and Haley are on the pontoon. -Haley: oh, man, this view is so beautiful from the dock. -Nathan: Well, you know docks are kind of special for us. Remember the time Dan busted us for drinking? -Haley: Don't remind me. Although I have to say I did kind of enjoy throwing up on him. -Nathan: So, I couldn't help but notice you've your hands in you pockets all weekend. What's that about? -Haley: I guess I can't really hide it from you. I lost my ring. Twice. And I'm really sorry. You're probably just really disappointed in me. -Nathan: You mean this ring? -Haley: Yeah. Where did you find that? -Nathan: I kind of stole it. Twice. Haley... Nathan's kneeling down. -Haley: Whet are you doing? -Nathan: Over the past year, I learned so much about life end love. And even if I could, I wouldn't take back all the bad stuff that's happened between us, because I brought us here. This moment, this river. Marry me, Haley. Marry me again in front of all our friends and our family. -Haley: Always. Always and forever. Haley kisses Nathan. Pete is next to is limo with Peyton. -Peyton: So this is it, huh? -Pete: Peyton, it sucks that I have to go. But I'm gonna miss you. Is it okay if I miss you? -Peyton: You better. Pete kisses Peyton and go into his limo. Haley look at Peyton. -Haley: Oh, Peyton, don't worry. He's just leaving on a rock concert tour. It's nothing to be concerned about. -Peyton You're funny. -Lucas: Brooke, let's go! -Brooke: Sorry, I'm coming. -Rachel: So, any chance you'll be riding home with me? -Mouth: Forget it. -Rachel: Get your ass in the car. They're going away. -Lucas: (v.o) John Steinbeck once wrote, "Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass."

Plan: A: Rachel; Q: Who invites the gang for a weekend getaway? A: her family's cabin; Q: Where does Rachel invite the gang? A: Mouth; Q: What character has a nasty little issue with Rachel? A: Karen; Q: Who confronts Dan about Keith's death? Summary: Rachel invites the gang for a weekend getaway at her family's cabin. Craziness will ensue, including a game of "I Never" which will cause people to do things they normally wouldn't. A nasty little issue Mouth has been harboring toward Rachel will surface. Meanwhile, Karen confronts Dan about Keith's death. This episode is named after a song by Saves the Day .

Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun Story by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe are there reading. Rachel is sitting on the couch flanked by Ross and Monica. She suddenly stops reading and starts blinking her left eye as if it's bothering her. The problem is that Joey is on her left and thinks she's winking at him and winks back. Ross is watching this and isn't quite sure of what to make of it.] Ross: What's going on? Rachel: Well, my eye is a little itchy. (Ross turns to look at Joey.) Joey: Uhhh, mine too! Yeah. Monica: (To Rachel) Wow! It's really red! You should go see my eye doctor. Rachel: Richard? I'm not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend! Chandler: Oh, Richard. That's all I ever hear, Richard, Richard, Richard! Monica: Since we've been going out, I think I've mentioned his name twice! Chandler: Okay, so Richard, Richard! Monica: It's not Richard! Okay? It's this new guy and he's really good. Rachel: Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to an eye doctor! Ross: Oh God, here we go! Chandler: What? Ross: Anytime anything comes close to touching her eye or anyone else's she like freaks out. Watch! Watch! (He takes his finger and moves it towards his eye.) Rachel: (flinches) Ross! Come on! That's all right! Fine--Okay, I have a weird thing about my eye. Can we not talk about it please? All: All right, fine. Monica: Hey Rach, remember that great song, Me, Myself, and I? (And on the "I" part she mimics poking her eye.) Rachel: (flinches again) Monica! Come on! Ross: Hey, does anybody want to get some lunch? All those in favor say I? (Pokes his eye) Rachel: (freaks) Ross! Stop it! Come on! Chandler: How much did I love The King and I? (Oh, you get the point by now.) Rachel: Chandler! Joey: Me too! Me too! Me too! (Yeah, he does the same thing.) Rachel: Just stop it! Come on! (Joey howls in pain and holds his eye.) Chandler: You okay there man? Joey: Yeah, I got too excited! Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.] Ross: All right, I gotta go. I'm taking Ben to the park. Phoebe: Ohh, give him a kiss for me! Ross: All right, bye! Monica: Bye! Phoebe: Bye! Ross: Later! (Exits.) Phoebe: (after he's gone) I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of that. I didn't mean to be so out there. I am furious with him! Chandler: Wow umm, calm down. Phoebe: I'm trying, but man that guy can push my buttons! Monica: Why are so mad at him? Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay? Monica: Well, it just seems that... Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking! Has anyone seem my list by the way? Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like? Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it. Joey: (entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle and guess what. (Pause, then very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!! Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?! Joey: It's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool! Yeah, umm, I meet this girl in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she disappears... But I find out where she lives and when I get there this like old lady answers the door and I say, "Where's Betsy?" Right? And she says, "Betsy's been dead for 10 years." Phoebe: Ohh-oh, chilling! Joey: And the best part is, we're filming in the desert outside Vegas! (To Chandler) And you know what that means buddy! Chandler: Yeah, I know that means buddy! Joey: Road trip! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just have to be there by Tuesday! Phoebe: Oh wait, my grandmother's dead. Chandler: Well, uh, we can talk about that too Pheebs. Phoebe: No! No, her cab! She probably won't be using it; you can drive it to Las Vegas. Joey: All right! Thanks Pheebs! Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job? Joey: Oh umm, not go. Chandler: All right, great, road trip baby! (To Monica) This okay with you? Monica: Chandler! You don't have to ask for my permission. (Quietly) You can go. Chandler: Thank you. Monica: Hey Rach, come on! We're gonna be late for the eye doctor appointment! Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) All right! Let's get this over with! Ugh! (She walks by the table and notices that no one is looking and accidentally on purpose knocks over the open cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She starts walking through the mess. {Also, notice the continuity error in this scene. Note the position of the box and dispersal pattern of the cereal before and after the camera cut.}) Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to reschedule! Monica: No. If you thought this mess is going to bother me, you are wrong! All right, let's go Blinky! (She ushers Rachel out the door, but before the door fully closes she sticks her head back in.) Chandler!!!! (Chandler agrees to clean up the mess.) [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a map as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Oh hey Joey! What's up? Joey: I can't decide which route to take to Vegas. Hey, you've traveled a lot right? Phoebe: Yeah, I've been around. Joey: Okay, so-so which route should I take the northern route or the southern route? Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees. {Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.} Joey: Great! Problem solved! Phoebe: But on the southern route there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe. Joey: Well, back to square one. Phoebe: Oh, I know a way that you can decide! All right, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can. Joey: (quickly) Yes! Phoebe: Good, but wait. Okay, all right, here we go. Now I want you to relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. (Quickly) Which do you like better peanut butter or egg whites? Joey: Peanut butter! Phoebe: Which would you rather be a fireman or a swimmer? Joey: A swimmer! Phoebe: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel? Joey: Monica. Oh... huh, I always thought it would be Rachel. Phoebe: No thinking! No thinking! Tie or ascot? Joey: Ascot! Phoebe: North route or south route? Joey: North route! Phoebe: Bamn! There you go! Huh? Joey: Wow! That was incredible! Beard of bees, here I come! Ross: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Oh, this guy again. (She ignores him.) Joey: Hey man, what's up? Ross: Uhh, not much. You guys want to see a movie tonight? Joey: Sure, what do you want to see? Ross: I don't know, umm... Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game! Phoebe: Umm, no thank you. (She gets up and moves to the couch. They were at a table previously.) Ross: What's with her? Joey: I don't know. But hey, I know we can decide. Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions and you answer real quick. Okay? Ross: Okay. Joey: What do you like better action or comedy? Ross: Action. Joey: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel? (Ross pauses and looks at him, Joey motions for him to hurry up.) Ross: Dude, you are sick. Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing. [Scene: Monica's eye doctor's office, Monica and Rachel are waiting in an exam room and looking at this big white thing used to check eyes. I have no idea what it is, and if an ophthalmologist happens to know what that is, let me know.] Rachel: Oh my God! What does that thing do? Monica: (looks at it more closely) Oh that's an eye removal machine. Rachel: All right, I'm outta here! Monica: I'm kidding! I'm kidding! (Rachel heads for the door but is intercepted by the doctor.) The Doctor: Hi Rachel! Rachel: Hey! The Doctor: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry everything's gonna be just fine. Rachel: So were done then! Dr. Miller: Almost! But first, we gotta start. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test. Rachel: Uh-huh. Dr. Miller: Sit down. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Miller: Put your chin here. (She does so.) Now, you'll feel a small puff of air in each eye. Rachel: (jerks back from the tester) What?! Monica: A small puff of air, now come on! Dr. Miller: Here we go. Rachel: All right. Dr. Miller: 1...2...3! (Rachel jerks back on 3.) Rachel: I'm sorry. All right, I'll just stay in here this time. (Puts her head back.) Okay. Dr. Miller: Ready? Rachel: Uh-huh. Dr. Miller: 1...2... (She flinches on 2 this time.) Monica: Y'know what, I'm gonna hold her head. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Miller: That's okay. Monica: Okay. (Monica backs off.) Rachel: Okay. Okay! Dr. Miller: 1...2! (She flinches again.) (Gives up.) Y'know what? You're young; you probably don't have glaucoma. Rachel: (really excited) Great!! It was very, very nice to meet you sir--Ow! Hey! What are you doing?! Are you crazy! (He took out that thing they use to look at people's retinas and looked at Rachel's when she was shaking his hand causing her to flinch and scream at him.) Dr. Miller: Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as good as new. Rachel: Yeah, no, I don't-I don't put things in my eye. Dr. Miller: Okay then, I guess we'll see you back here in three months. Rachel: Great! Dr. Miller: And I'll fit you for a glass eye. Rachel: Okay, just give me the damn drops! (Grabs them and storms out.) Monica: Dr. Miller? (She covers her right eye and reads from the chart) P E C F D. Dr. Miller: Very good Monica! You know where they are. Monica: I sure do! (She runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop.) (To Rachel) And you don't get one! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica, and Joey are there.] Rachel: Y'know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a 100% better. Monica: They're still in my coat. Rachel: Damn! Chandler: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey! You ready to go? Chandler: Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.) (Monica stares at him.) Chandler: What? Monica: I love you. {There's another continuity error here. Before Monica says I love you, Chandler's holding the vests so that you couldn't see the collar, you could see all three, and they were folding nicely. After she says the line and the camera cuts back to Chandler, you can only see two out of the three, you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks like it was folded sloppily, unlike before. Hey, you notice things while spending this much time on this!} Joey: Man, I wish Ross was coming with us! Y'know? I'm gonna miss him! Phoebe: Thanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of my mind! Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite? Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film y'know? So we don't have a real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room. Chandler: I see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing a big hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot? Joey: Oh yeah! For every dollar Shutter Speed makes, one penny of it goes right in Joey's pocket. Chandler: So you don't get paid unless the movie makes money? Joey: Did you not hear the plot of the movie? "She's been dead for ten years." I'm gonna be a millionaire! Ross: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey! Ross: I just wanna say good-bye to you guys and to see if you guys will place a little bet for me, huh? Twenty bucks on black 15. Joey: You got it! Ross: All right! (Joey nods to Chandler, no way!) Chandler: All right, bye-bye now! Phoebe: Bye! Rachel: Bye you guys! Joey: Bye-bye! Monica: I wanna say good-bye at the car! Chandler: Okay! Joey: Anybody want to say good-bye to me at the car? Rachel: Oh honey, I'll say good-bye to you at the car if you don't mind the puss. (Pause.) Joey: See ya! (Walks out.) Rachel: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It means it's healing! (Runs after him.) Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? (Phoebe ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away) Hello? (He sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.) Phoebe? (He moves closer and she keeps moving away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over the arm rest.) Come on! (He grabs the magazine away from her.) Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. Ross: Phoebe, are you, are you mad at me, or something? 'Cause if are please, tell me what it is I did! Phoebe: Well, if you don't know I can't help you. Ross: Well, I don't know. Phoebe: Well, I can't help you. Ross: Well, whatever it is I'm-I'm very, very sorry. Okay? Phoebe: Apology accepted. Ross: Okay. So we're, we're good? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Ross: All right. (Gets up.) I'll uh, I'll see you later, okay? Phoebe: (quietly) Bye, fat ass. Ross: ALL RIGHT!! Phoebe now come on! Will you please tell me what it is I did that mad you so mad at me! Phoebe: I don't know! I don't remember! Ross: Well if you can't remember, can't we just forget about this? Phoebe: Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about the fat ass thing. You actually have a very sweet little hiney. (Ross isn't sure what to do with that comment.) [Scene: Phoebe's cab, Joey and Chandler are headed across the George Washington bridge on their way to Las Vegas. Joey is driving.] Joey: Man, I'm getting pretty tired. You're might have to take over soon. Chandler: We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once. Joey: Don't worry, it's out there! (Just then a horn honks and Joey quickly looks at the road.) I think I just need lunch. Chandler: Yeah. Joey: You wanna eat? (Pulls out the twenty) My treat! Chandler: Isn't that Ross's money? Joey: Yeah. Okay. Ross's treat! Where do you wanna eat? Chandler: I don't know. Joey: Ooh, hey, I know how we can decide! All right, uh, I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. Okay? So uh, clear your mind Clear it right out! Clear it out! Clear! Chandler: Okay! Joey: Okay, uhh, would you rather be too wet or too dry? Chandler: Too dry. Joey: Do you believe in ghosts, yes or no? Chandler: No! Joey: Is this movie gonna be my big break? Chandler: No! Joey: (shocked) What?! Chandler: Yes. Joey: Dude you said, "No!" Chandler: I also said, "Yes!" Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big break for me? Chandler: No! (Realizes) Ahhh!!! Joey: I don't believe this! Chandler: Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to get your hopes up real high. Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie! Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie! Joey: Y'know what? I don't need this! Okay? I don't know why you're dumping all over my big break. Chandler: Joe, I don't think this is going to be your big break. Joey: Is that why you're on this trip, huh? Make me feel like a loser? 'Cause if it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-I'd rather be alone. Chandler: Oh, you don't want me on the trip? Joey: Not if you're gonna be like this! Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie. Joey: Yeah! I don't want you on the trip! Chandler: All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right now! Joey: Fine! (He slams on the brakes, stopping the car on the bridge to the sound of numerous car horns.) Get out! Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge. Joey: Get out!! Chandler: All right!! (Gets out and Joey speeds away.) Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there. Ross is trying to figure out why Phoebe's mad at him.] Ross: Okay, are you mad at me because my hair gel smells? Phoebe: No. Ross: Are you angry at me because I said your handwriting is childlike? Phoebe: No that made me feel precious. Monica: Oh, I know! Umm, is it because he's always correcting people's grammar? Whom! Whom! Sometimes it's who! Ross: Yeah? Sometimes it's... (Does the fist thing.) Rachel: Oh, did you beat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose. Ross: Okay, I'm the baby. (Points at his eye.) Rachel: Eh! Stop it! Chandler: (entering) Hey! Monica: Chandler! What are you doing here? Ross: Hey! Chandler: Joey kicked me out of the car on the George Washington bridge! All: Why?! Chandler: I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast. Phoebe: That game should not be played without my supervision. Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge. Phoebe: What's in the bag? Chandler: Oh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who wants the teddy bear with one leg? Phoebe: I do! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to apply her eye drops while Monica looks on.] Rachel: Okay. (She tilts her head back and squeezes the eyedropper. The only problem is, it's not over her eye.) Monica: Not even close. Rachel: Okay, then y'know what? Help me! I need help! I can't do this! Monica: Okay! All right! Let's do it! Rachel: All right! Monica: Sit down. (They sit down on the couch.) Rachel: All right. Monica: Put your head back. Rachel: Yes! Monica: All right. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Now, open your eyes. Rachel: Okay, they are. (No they're not.) Monica: How many fingers am I holding up? (She's not holding any up.) Rachel: (thinks) Four. Monica: Oh my God, I was thinking four. Rachel: Really?! Monica: Yes! All right, y'know what? Why don't we start with a practice run? Okay? Rachel: Okay! Monica: No drops! Rachel: Great! Monica: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Monica: On three, 1...2...3! (Rachel turns her head on three to avoid the drops.) Now my pillow's all wet! (She was trying to fool Rachel and squeezed the eyedropper.) Rachel: Well, well, you said it was practice! Monica: Then why did you move?! Rachel: Because I knew you were lying! Monica: All right, come here! (She gets up and drags Rachel off of the couch by her legs.) Rachel: (as she's being dragged) What are you? Monica!! Stop it!! Oh my God! Stop it! (Monica drags her totally onto the floor and on her back.) Monica: I am going... I'm going--Turn it over! (Rachel rolled onto her stomach and Monica rolls her back.) I'm... I am going to get these drops in your eyes. (She is holding Rachel down with both hands and has the eyedropper in her mouth.) Rachel: Oh my God! You really are freakishly strong! (Monica starts biting on the eyedropper, spraying the fluid all over. But Rachel keeps turning her head back and forth and Monica keeps missing.) Rachel: Monica! Stop it! Monica: (spitting out the eyedropper) Damn! It's empty! Rachel: Wow, y'know if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune! (Monica is straddling Rachel and holding her arms down. In a rather risqué pose, at least for primetime TV.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse, Phoebe and Monica are playing cards as the phone rings.] Phoebe: Ooh that is definitely Chandler, Joey, or Ross. (Thinks) Or-or Rachel! Monica: (answers the phone) Hello? (Listens.) (To Phoebe) It's Joey. (Phoebe's proud of herself.) (To Joey) I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened. Y'know he's really upset about it. Joey: (on a pay phone holding a box) Not as upset as he's gonna be when he finds out what I did with his sweater vests! Monica: What did you do to his sweater vests? Joey: Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio. Hey Monica listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car. Monica: Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second. (She hands the phone to Phoebe.) Phoebe: Hey, dude! Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat. What-what is it? Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the box away from him.) And thanks Joey she's having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.) Chandler: (who has just entered) Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him! I wanna talk to him! Phoebe: Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering... (We hear the dial tone as Joey hangs up.) Okay, I guess he ran out of change. Chandler: Y'know, he won't even talk to me. How am I going to apologize to him if he won't even talk to me? Monica: Well, maybe you should send him something. So that when he gets to Las Vegas he'll know that you're sorry. Chandler: That's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of p0rn... Phoebe: No, don't-don't say I'm sorry with p0rn! Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Y'know what you should send him? A cartoon of cigarettes. 'Cause that why he could trade it for protection. No. That's prison. Ross: (entering) Okay Pheebs, I know how we're going to figure this out. Okay, clear your mind and answer the first thing that comes into your head. Okay? Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Ross: What do you like better flora or fauna? Phoebe: Fauna. Ross: Who would you rather be Simon or Garfunkle? Phoebe: Garfunkle. Ross: Why are you mad at me? Phoebe: You said I was boring--Ohh! Ross: When did I say you were boring?! Phoebe: Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess! Ross: Phoebe! You and I have never played chess! Phoebe: Oh, come on! Yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! (Realizes) Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream. [Scene: The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is arriving and we hear the song, Name. Y'know, (singing) I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La...la...la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the idea. Anyhoo, he pulls up and stops. As he gets out of the car, he spills a huge pill of fast food containers out of the foot well.] Joey: Hey-hey! Stanley! Hey-hey! You're leading man is here! Let's get to work. Stanley: Umm, slight change of plans. We've shut down. Joey: Wh-what?! Why?! Stanley: It's a money thing, we don't have any. Joey: (laughs) You're kidding right? Stanley: No. Joey: What?! Stanley: It-it's probably just temporary. We're hoping to get some more money soon, so if could just uh, hang out. Joey: Uh, hang out?! How long? Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn up! People will always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya? Joey: No! Stanley: Eh, worth a shot. (Gets into his car.) Look Joey, let me know where you're staying, okay? (The car peels away.) (I think one of the grips walk up to Joey, mainly because there's a credit for The Grip. What the heck is a grip anyway?!) The Grip: Hey pal, are you Joey Tribbiani? Joey: Yeah. The Grip: These got left for ya. (He hands him a bunch of helium balloons.) Joey: Thanks. (The grip walks away.) (Reading the card.) Congratulations on your big break. (The rest of the crew start to drive away leaving Joey sad, alone, and holding his congratulatory balloons as the song comes up again. La-la-la. See, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the desert you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La-la-la, la, la, la...) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone is ringing.] Monica: (answering it) Hello? Joey: (on phone from Vegas) Hey Monica, it's Joey! Monica: Hey Joey! Aww, you remembered even though you're a big star! Joey: Aw, come on! It'll be years before I forget you! Monica: Joey, what's it like on a movie set, huh? Do you have a dressing room? Do you have a chair with your name on it? Joey: Uh, well yeah-yeah, I've got all of that going on. Yeah, listen uh, I want you to make sure you tell Chandler that he couldn't have been more wrong! Uh-oh! I gotta go Monica, my uh, my sushi's here! [Cut to Joey hanging up the phone in Vegas. He's wearing a Roman gladiator's uniform and goes over to join a family to pose for a picture. You see, he's apparently taken a job at Caesar's Palace.] Joey: (to the family) Sorry about that. Thanks for waitin'. The Husband: Okay! Joey: Everybody smile! (The picture is taken) Okay, thanks a lot! Enjoy your stay at Caesar's! We hope it's toga-rrific! (The family leaves.) Kill me. Kill me now. Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The gang is surrounding Rachel at key positions.] Ross: Hey Rach, can you pass me the TV Guide? Rachel: Yep! (As she moves to get it, Monica yells...) Monica: Go!! (Phoebe jumps to the floor as Ross tackles Rachel off of the couch. Chandler helps push Rachel onto the floor by jumping over the back of the couch. Phoebe grabs Rachel's head to hold it still and opens Rachel's eye as Monica jumps onto Chandler's back to administer the torture--I mean medicine.) Rachel: What?!! Stop it! Stop it! Oh my God! Monica: Okay! Okay! Okay! (She succeeds in getting the eye drops in and everyone climbs off of Rachel.) We'll see you in about 3 to 4 hours. Rachel: Oh! (She's trying to recover while still on the floor.)

Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who lands a role in an independent movie? A: Phoebe's taxicab; Q: What does Joey borrow to drive to Las Vegas? A: the Las Vegas location; Q: Where does Joey drive to in Phoebe's cab? A: Joey's big break; Q: What does Chandler say he doesn't think the movie will be? A: the bridge; Q: Where did Joey leave Chandler? A: Production; Q: What has been shut down due to lack of funds? A: a gladiator; Q: What job does Joey get at Caesars Palace? A: Rachel; Q: Who has an eye infection? Summary: Joey lands a role in an independent movie, then borrows Phoebe's taxicab to drive to the Las Vegas location. Chandler rides along, but learns that Joey will not get paid unless the movie is successful. He remarks that he does not think the movie will be Joey's big break. Furious, Joey kicks Chandler out, stranding him on the bridge . Chandler later phones Joey and apologizes, though Joey does not tell Chandler that he was right. Production has been shut down due to lack of funds forcing Joey to get a job at Caesars Palace as a gladiator. Meanwhile, Rachel has an eye infection but resists using the prescribed eye drops; Phoebe is angry at Ross and refuses to make up, leaving it to Ross to figure out what he did, only to discover Phoebe dreamed it.

5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. PASSAGEWAY (The DOCTOR, SUSAN and IAN stand in front of the latticed wall, IAN holding BARBARA'S travel dial.) IAN: This is Barbara's travel dial. DOCTOR: Mmm. IAN: Look! There's blood on it! DOCTOR: Yes, I can't imagine why Barbara left of her own free will. SUSAN: No, surely she'd wait for us. IAN: (Insistent.) Of course she would! DOCTOR: Well it seems there's only one conclusion. Whatever it is lives behind that door (He points at the latticed wall behind them.) must've taken her by force. IAN: Well let's get inside! (He rushes up to the doors.) DOCTOR: No no no no, Don't let us be precipitous. IAN: Doctor, there's blood on this strap. That means she's hurt, maybe badly. We can't argue now, we must get inside! DOCTOR: Yes, very well, very well, but I say... (IAN manages to force the doors open.) DOCTOR: (Protesting.) ...I'm sure it's a mistake! (They stumble through and immediately a blinding white light and screeching noise fills the air. They clutch at their heads in agony.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. CHAMBER (When the light and noise die down they find themselves in a short avenue of statues and the room can be seen beyond. It is full of vases with exotic plants, statues, drapes and luxurious furniture. A huge carving of a bearded face dominates the rear wall. They look around in wonder.) IAN: (Astonished.) I don't believe it! (BARBARA is lying on a sofa dressed in Grecian type robes being waited on by two similarly robed female attendants. When she sees the others she sits up.) BARBARA: Ian! Susan! I'm glad you're here! SUSAN: Barbara! You're alright? (She runs over to BARBARA and hugs her.) BARBARA: Of course I'm alright. In fact, I'm a little better than alright! SUSAN: But we saw your travel dial, there was blood on it. BARBARA: I know, that was silly. I turned the dial and I seemed to be falling through space. I got frightened and tried to tear it off my wrist. Just scratched there, you see? (She shows SUSAN her wrist.) SUSAN: Oh, I see. IAN: Well, I must say, quite a nice little place you've got here. BARBARA: You haven't seen anything yet. (To the attendants.) Will you get some food for my friends? (They nod and walk off.) BARBARA: (In 'royal' tone.) You may be seated. IAN: Your royal highness is most gracious. (They sit down apart from the DOCTOR.) IAN: Perhaps if your majesty will stop hogging the grapes we can all have some? (They laugh.) BARBARA: Help yourselves. (She passes him the fruit bowl.) SUSAN: (Enthusiastically.) Hey, this is great! IAN: Well what do you think about all this, Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh, sensuous and decadent, but rather pleasant. (He spots something in the fruit bowl.) DOCTOR: I say is that, em, a pomegranate? IAN: Yes! Here you are! (IAN throws it to the DOCTOR and they chuckle.) DOCTOR: Extraordinary! IAN: Well, whatever we'd expected it certainly wasn't anything like this. (SUSAN has noticed at pile of materials on one of the tables.) SUSAN: Oh, those silks are gorgeous. (She runs over and picks them up.) Mmm, I'd love a dress made from one of these. BARBARA: Well that's what they're here for. They asked me to choose the materials I wanted for my robes. DOCTOR: Mmm, it's almost enough... (He is cut off by the sound of a gong being struck. Several of the female attendants enter carrying a huge banquet of what appears to be a roast bird and various side dishes.) BARBARA: Oh, It's magnificent! IAN: It certainly is. SUSAN: Hey, I'm starving! Mmm! (SUSAN rushes back and tucks in. BARBARA notices that IAN is taking nothing.) BARBARA: What's the matter, don't you like it? IAN: No, I've just realised nobody's shown me the menu. SUSAN: They've got everything here. DOCTOR: Truffles, I do believe they're truffles! Well, well! (He takes one.) BARBARA: Go on Ian, have one. IAN: No. See, I don't know the price yet. BARBARA: (Protesting.) But we're guests here! IAN: Oh, you've met the host, have you? BARBARA: Yes I have and his manners are perfect. DOCTOR: Mmm, so is his kitchen. Delicious! SUSAN: (Looking up.) Hey, we've got a visitor. (A young, dark haired MAN has walked in dressed in long elegant robes.) IAN: (Cynically.) This is where we pay the bill. BARBARA: Oh relax, Ian! (IAN begins to stand as the MAN approaches.) MAN: No, no, don't get up. I apologise for intruding but I wondered if there was anything you wanted. BARBARA: There is one thing you could do. Tell us about this place, about your people. Who do we have to thank for all this? MAN: You are in the city of Morphoton. Our people are perhaps the most contented in the universe, nothing they desire is denied them. SUSAN: Oh, can I have a dress made from...? DOCTOR: Susan ... (The MAN interrupts the DOCTOR before he can go further.) MAN: No, no, please, let her go on. SUSAN: Well I'd love a dress made from this silk, here. (She goes over and shows it to him. The DOCTOR follows and rounds angrily on her.) DOCTOR: Susan! I will not have you take advantage... MAN: (Interceding.) She takes no advantage, truly. Our one wish is to fulfil your every need. She shall have the dress. SUSAN: Thank you. (She hugs the roll of silk.) SUSAN: (Quietly.) Thank you. MAN: (To the DOCTOR.) And you? Have you no wish, no great desire? DOCTOR: Well er, yes, perhaps, but er... I'm afraid it's not quite as easy as giving Susan a dress out of that. SUSAN: What is it grandfather? DOCTOR: Well perhaps, um, if I had to choose, a well-equipped laboratory with every conceivable instrument. Yes, yes! MAN: (Calmly.) It will be arranged. IAN: (Astonished.) It will?! You mean he can have it? MAN: Perhaps in the morning when you see the laboratory you will find our way of life easier to understand, to believe. Now, as it is late, I suggest you sleep. In the morning when you wake you will learn everything about Morphoton. DOCTOR: Mmm. Well, we shall look forward to that. IAN: Yes, and er, even if you're not serious about the laboratory we're, we're very grateful... MAN: (With a slightly threatening undertone.) But I am serious. Goodnight. (He walks out.) BARBARA & IAN: (Bemused.) Goodnight. DOCTOR: (Chuckling.) Mmm-hmm. Charming young man! Yes, charming. Mmm, I think a study of this culture is going to prove very, very fascinating. Hmm, Oh, dear me, I'm tired, you know. (He lies down on one of the beds.) BARBARA: I think the excitement's been too much for Susan, too. Come on. (She helps a weary SUSAN to another bed. SUSAN drops off immediately.) BARBARA: (To IAN.) Well you don't look very happy. IAN: Me? No no no, not at all. I think it's all marvellous. BARBARA: Not very convincing. I don't know what you want. IAN: Perhaps it's my materialistic side. How rich and powerful do you have to be to give things away free? BARBARA: Oh, now don't spoil it all for me! IAN: (Laughs.) I didn't mean to do that. BARBARA: You can't apply Earth standards, you just can't! IAN: (Quietly.) No. It's certainly very different here. You noticed that man's eyes? BARBARA: Well, what about them? IAN: He didn't blink once. (BARBARA looks sceptical.) IAN: Am I being ridiculous? BARBARA: Yes. They're just kind, hospitable people. IAN: Yes. BARBARA: Now try to get some sleep. You'll feel differently in the morning. (She walks off and talks a bed of her own.) IAN: (Sighs.) Suppose it could be worse. (He yawns and lies down. They are all asleep now. Suddenly the eyes of the carved bearded face at the end of the room light up and the room is filled with a throbbing noise. A female attendant enters through a hidden door in the back. She is holding four disks, one of which she places carefully on the forehead of the DOCTOR. She does the same to IAN, SUSAN and BARBARA. However, as she goes, BARBARA stirs and the disk falls off. Suddenly the screeching noise heard earlier on returns. BARBARA clutches her head in agony and manages to resist for some time but is overcome and collapses onto the bed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. CHAMBER (NEXT MORNING) (The DOCTOR, SUSAN and IAN are having breakfast at one of the tables. One of the female attendants approaches with a plate.) IAN: Ah, morning. (She deposits it and walks away without another word.) IAN: Thank you very much. DOCTOR: (Holding up a glass of juice.) Most refreshing. IAN: Yes. DOCTOR: Look at these exquisite glasses, Chesterton. IAN: Mmm. SUSAN: Can I have some orange juice, please? IAN: Why not? Help yourself. There's plenty more. (SUSAN pours some from the jug.) DOCTOR: No now child, don't take it all. We must leave some for Barbara when she wakes up. IAN: Yes, Barbara. She really is having a deep sleep, isn't she? (BARBARA is lying asleep with a disturbed look on her face.) DOCTOR: What's the matter? IAN: Mmm? Oh this? (He scratches his forehead where the disc was placed.) Oh, I don't know, just a sort of mild irritation on the forehead, it's nothing at all. DOCTOR: No, there's nothing there. I only mentioned it because I have rather a sore spot here myself. (He also scratches the same place.) IAN: Oh. (One of the female attendants enters holding a dress.) SUSAN: Oh, look! Look, grandfather, it's my dress! Oh, thank you! (She takes the dress from over the arm of the attendant and unfolds it.) SUSAN: Thank you. (She shows it to IAN.) SUSAN: It's beautiful, look! IAN: This really is very elegant, Susan! SUSAN: Can I show Barbara, can I wake her up? IAN: Why not? She can't sleep all the morning. (SUSAN shakes BARBARA.) SUSAN: Barbara! Barbara! Wake up, wake up. (BARBARA wakes up and looks round with a shock. From her point of view, the room now looks dingy and lacks the lavish decorations from before. Her own dress is a drab dirty gown.) BARBARA: What's happened? IAN: (Leaning closer.) What's the matter? BARBARA: Well, look. Look around you. Can't you see? DOCTOR: I don't think she's properly awake. Susan, get me a glass of that fruit juice, will you? SUSAN: Yes. (SUSAN pours a drink and gives it to the DOCTOR. He offers what now looks like a dirty mug to BARBARA.) DOCTOR: Here, drink this. (She smacks it out of the DOCTOR'S hands. It smashes on the floor.) BARBARA: No, it's filthy! DOCTOR: Now you've broken it. (He retrieves the remains.) IAN: (Concerned.) Barbara! What's got into you? BARBARA: Why can't you see?! DOCTOR: This is going to test our host's patience, you know, it's one of a set... BARBARA: It's just a dirty old mug! ... and the room. Why've they changed it? SUSAN: (Quietly.) It's the same, Barbara. (As far as SUSAN can see, the room is unchanged and a strangely behaved BARBARA is lying in a silken robe on a luxurious bed.) BARBARA: No it isn't! (Insistent.) It isn't! (She feels her clothing.) BARBARA: And this terrible dress! And the furniture! DOCTOR: What's happened to her? BARBARA: (Hysterical.) Why can't you see it? IAN: Barbara, Barbara! BARBARA: It's all changed! IAN: (Shakes her.) Come on now, get a hold of yourself! SUSAN: Don't be frightened, Barbara. BARBARA: Ian, try to see. Please! Try to see the truth. (She lies back down in, as she sees it, her dirty robe in a dingy room.) SUSAN: Don't be afraid. Look. Look, they've brought me my dress. (She shows what appears to be a pile of cut-offs to BARBARA.) BARBARA: It's dirty... dirty rags. (SUSAN clutches at it protectively.) IAN: (Shocked.) Barbara, these people are very kind to us. They've given us everything. BARBARA: They've given you nothing. (Her three companions view of the room is still a sumptuous chamber.) BARBARA: I don't know what they've done to you, or why it hasn't worked on me, but I must find a way to show you, I must before it's too late. DOCTOR: Ah, here comes Altos. Now, perhaps he can convince you. (The young man, ALTOS comes over. BARBARA sees that his own robes now appear to have seen better days.) BARBARA: (Appearing to be in her Grecian robes.) He knows it's failed on me. ALTOS: (In his ragged robe, soothing.) What's the matter? Aren't you feeling well? Let me take you to our physicians. (He offers his hand.) BARBARA: No. No! ALTOS: Please, I only want to help you. (He grips her. Her companions see her, dressed in her clean robes, break free and run off.) BARBARA: (Angrily.) No! IAN: (Shocked.) Barbara! (He makes as if to follow but ALTOS holds up his hand.) ALTOS: Please! Don't concern yourself. She's overwrought, I'll deal with it. You stay here. (He walks off in silence.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. CELL (BARBARA, definitely dressed in a dingy robe, finds herself in an empty stone-walled room. Looking around, she closes the door behind her. Soon footsteps are heard outside. She hides behind a pillar as ALTOS opens the door. He looks around quickly and, satisfied that there is no one there closes it again. BARBARA goes up to it but finds it locked. Sobbing, she collapses to the steps.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. CORRIDOR (ALTOS approaches a door at the end of a stone walled corridor. He knocks and enters.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. MORPHO ROOM (He steps into a futuristic laboratory contained within the darkened chamber. One of the female attendants, her hair unkempt and dressed in the plainest of robes stands by a table of scientific equipment. Dominating the scene are four tanks each containing a disembodied brain. These are the MORPHO brains.) ALTOS: One of the women has resisted the power of the Mesmeron. She has escaped into the city. (A deep, warbling voice emerges from each tank in unison.) MORPHO: Who placed the disks? ALTOS: The girl, Sabetha. MORPHO: She has failed us and must be punished. Return now to the other three, reassure them about their friend. Take them to their... laboratory. In four hours we will give them the final exposure to the Mesmeron, they will be completely subjugated. ALTOS: And what of the one that has escaped? MORPHO: She has seen the truth and is beyond our control. Find her and destroy her. (ALTOS bows and departs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. CELL (BARBARA hides back behind the pillar as the footsteps are heard again. The door opens and the girl, SABETHA is thrown in. It closes and the footsteps recede. Shortly afterwards BARBARA cautiously approaches SABETHA.) BARBARA: You're the girl who put the disks on our foreheads. SABETHA: (In monotone.) I made a mistake. I am to be punished. BARBARA: (Desperately.) Tell me all you can about this place. SABETHA: I am to be punished. BARBARA: Listen to me. I believe you are under some deep form of deep hypnosis. SABETHA: I am to be punished. BARBARA: (Sighs.) Oh, what's the use? [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. CORRIDOR (ALTOS leads the DOCTOR and IAN to a door.) ALTOS: The physicians say she is in a highly nervous condition. She is now under deep sedation, she will soon recover. IAN: Well, that's a relief. Perhaps we can visit her later. ALTOS: Yes, of course. DOCTOR: Yes yes, well naturally we're all glad that she's going to be alright, so, er, if there's nothing more we can do for her, I suggest we, er, we get a look at the, erm, laboratory. Mmm? Hmm. (ALTOS smiles and opens the door with a flourish.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. "LABORATORY" (They enter a bare, whitewashed room with a single table in the middle. IAN gapes while the DOCTOR simply smiles.) IAN: (Amazed.) I've never seen anything like it! DOCTOR: Mmm, I think I shall find considerable scope here. IAN: Doctor! DOCTOR: Mmm? (IAN points at a corner.) IAN: Isn't that a cyclotron? DOCTOR: What? Oh, yes, yes, yes. A simple toy. I'm sure that will amuse you. (IAN smiles at the DOCTOR'S slightly condescending attitude.) DOCTOR: Mmm. Ah, now this might be helpful. (He picks up a stained, broken mug.) DOCTOR: Yes, if I can have instruments like these, I might be, er, able to overcome the fault in the time mechanism aboard the ship! IAN: (Awed.) Oh, they really can do it, eh? DOCTOR: (Engrossed.) Mmm. IAN: They can give you anything you ask for. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. CELL (SABETHA is fiddling with something on a chain around her neck. It is one of the keys of Marinus. BARBARA, who is pacing around, notices.) BARBARA: Where did you get this? SABETHA: (Protectively.) It's mine! BARBARA: I don't want to take it away from you. I just want to know where you got it. SABETHA: They gave it me. My masters. It was the thing I desired most. It's mine. BARBARA: But why? Why did you want it? SABETHA: It's mine. (BARBARA holds her firmly.) BARBARA: Listen to me. Does the name Arbitan mean anything to you? Arbitan? SABETHA: (Confused.) Arbitan? BARBARA: (Desperately.) Oh please, please try to remember. SABETHA: Arbitan. He sent me here. I was... (Struggling to think.) I... can't remember. BARBARA: Is Arbitan your father? (A fleeting look of remembrance crosses the girls face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. MORPHO ROOM MORPHO: Open the panel. (The female attendant adjusts one of the controls on the table.) MORPHO: They are sleeping soundly. Altos is placing the somnar disks. Already I sense their will beginning to weaken, memories fading. When they wake all resistance will have ended, they will remember her no more. (ALTOS walks through the door and into the room.) ALTOS: What are your orders for them when they have recovered? MORPHO: The two men will join the working parties. We can use the younger one's strength for the haulage gangs. The old man is weaker but intelligent. Isolate him and put him to work on the scheme for increasing manpowers. As for the child, she must be trained rapidly. She will take the place of Sabetha, the one that failed us. ALTOS: And what of the one that has escaped? MORPHO: That is your responsibility. As soon as it is light a thorough search must be made. If you fail you will be killed. She must be found. (ALTOS bows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. CELL (SABETHA is leaning on BARBARA'S shoulder.) BARBARA: Concentrate Sabetha, please. Look, we're almost finished. SABETHA: (Exhausted.) I can't remember any more. I feel so sleepy. (BARBARA sighs. Suddenly the sound of footsteps returns and BARBARA hides again as ALTOS bursts in. He sees only SABETHA.) ALTOS: You are to come with me. (BARBARA seizes the opportunity to make a break for the door but ALTOS spots her. They struggle briefly but ALTOS gains the upper hand and throws her into the corner. Picking her up, he begins to strangle her. Suddenly SABETHA hits him over the head with a stool. He grunts and falls unconscious.) BARBARA: Sabetha, I must find the others and try and convince them. If I succeed I, I'll come back for you. (BARBARA runs out as SABETHA collapses through exhaustion.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. CORRIDOR (BARBARA cautiously edges up the corridor. She hears a door opening and hides behind a pillar. She peeks out and sees it is IAN. She runs across to hug him.) BARBARA: Ian! Oh, thank heaven I've found you. Oh, I thought they must have got to you. I thought... Ian? (She notices how he does not react.) IAN: (In monotone) You must be the one who escaped, the one they told me about. BARBARA: Ian! IAN: I must take you to them. (He grips her arm and takes her into the room he has just come out of.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. MORPHO ROOM (IAN virtually throws her into the room which is the one containing the brain creatures. On the sight of them, BARBARA recoils in horror but IAN stands in the doorway preventing her escape.) MORPHO: (To IAN.) So, she has been caught. You have done well and proved yourself worthy. BARBARA: (Recoiling.) It's disgusting! Ian, can't you see how you're being used? MORPHO: We are the masters of this place! Our brains outgrew our bodies, it is our intelligence that has created this whole city. But we need the help of the human body to feed us and to carry out our orders. BARBARA: You use your people to act as machines for you. MORPHO: Much more than machines. The human body is the most flexible instrument in the world, no mechanical device could reproduce its mobility and dexterity. BARBARA: So, I'm to become one of your slaves? MORPHO: No, you have seen the truth of our city, it is beyond our power to erase this from your memory. You must be destroyed. Kill her. Kill her. (IAN places his hands around BARBARA'S neck.) BARBARA: (Panicked.) Ian! MORPHO: Kill her. BARBARA: (Hysterical.) Ian! Ian! (She manages to break free and grabs a vase from the table that holds the scientific instruments.) MORPHO: Kill her. Kill her. (Shouting.) Kill her. Kill her! (She hits the vase against the tanks. Only one of them breaks but she also breaks the glass tubes that connect the tanks to each other - it is enough. A scream emits from all of the tanks and each one collapses, silent. IAN staggers backwards with his hand to his head.) IAN: Where are we? Where...? Barbara! Barbara! (BARBARA hugs him.) BARBARA: (Shaken.) It's alright Ian. It's alright now. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. CHAMBER (IAN and BARBARA run down a corridor away from the sounds of a riot. As they enter the previously sumptuous chamber, they stop in the doorway and look back.) BARBARA: They're burning the city! IAN: Yes. I don't blame them. Trouble is they'll be up here soon. (The DOCTOR follows them.) DOCTOR: Taking their revenge, are they? Poor creatures. BARBARA: Ian thinks we should get out of here as soon as possible. IAN: Yes I do. BARBARA: Where's Susan? DOCTOR: Oh, we're all meeting here. She's bringing Sabetha and that young man, Altos. I've questioned him and there's no doubt about it - he's one of Arbitan's couriers. IAN: They're coming with us? DOCTOR: Yes, he's going with you, certainly. By the way I found these travel dials. (He pulls them out of his pocket.) DOCTOR: Those repellent brain things didn't appreciate their significance, fortunately. BARBARA: (Curiously.) Doctor, what did you mean, "Altos is going with you"? DOCTOR: I will explain it all in good time. Ah, here are the others. (SUSAN, ALTOS and SABETHA turn up chatting.) IAN: Good. Let's go then. DOCTOR: No, wait. We have one key and there are three more to find. SUSAN: Yes, Sabetha wants to continue the search with us. ALTOS: I wish to join you too. DOCTOR: Good idea. ALTOS: I was sent by Arbitan, I and a friend called Eprim. Our plan was as follows - he would go ahead in search of key four and I would come here for the first. IAN: Arbitan hadn't heard from either of you. Or anyone else for that matter. DOCTOR: Well, we must presume something has happened to your friend Eprim. ALTOS: It may just be that he couldn't reach the key. It lies somewhere in the city of Millennius. DOCTOR: Ah yes, the place you mentioned, yes, the ... highly civilised society. Now then, I've decided to adopt his plan. IAN: What? You mean go two jumps ahead and try and find the fourth key? DOCTOR: Mmm, yes, precisely. I shall try and find out what's happened to your friend Eprim, if he's alive, make contact with him and we can all meet again. SUSAN: Do you know how to adjust the dial, grandfather? DOCTOR: Yes, Altos has shown me how to adrust ... adjust mine. SUSAN: Yours? Well, aren't I coming? DOCTOR: No, I, I think it better if you travelled with the main party, child. SUSAN: But I want to go with you! (He leads her gently away. While IAN and BARBARA get their dials ready.) DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I know Susan, but don't you see it's better if we split our forces? You see, it's a very dangerous situation and the sooner we get on with it the better. For my part, I'll know you'll be well looked after. And as for me, well, I'm going to a well-ordered society and I think it's the best and speediest way, really. SUSAN: Alright. Won't be for long though, will it? (She hugs him.) BARBARA: I was wondering if we should fix the time to meet? DOCTOR: Er ... say five days. IAN: Yes, that's not a bad idea. Perhaps you'd better give us another two just in case of possible delays. BARBARA: Hope everything won't be as bad as this place. DOCTOR: No, I hope not. Put these on please. (He hands out more dials to ALTOS and SABETHA.) IAN: Well goodbye Doctor and take care of yourself. DOCTOR: Oh of course I will and you see you take good care of Susan. BARBARA: Yes, we will. ALTOS: Well I'm ready. SABETHA: So am I. I wish you well, Doctor. DOCTOR: Thank you, my dear, now off you go! SUSAN: Goodbye grandfather. DOCTOR: Goodbye my child. (SUSAN disappears.) BARBARA: (Irritated.) Susan! She should've waited for us. DOCTOR: (Briskly.) Now quickly, you must go and follow her! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. JUNGLE (SUSAN walks through a clearing in a jungle. Suddenly a bizarre, alien sound like screaming echoes out. SUSAN looks around, frantically, clutching her head.) SUSAN: (Terrified.) Oh, stop it! Stop it! (She falls to her knees.) SUSAN: (Screaming.) Go away! Go away!

Plan: A: TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's time machine? A: the planet Marinus; Q: Where does the TARDIS land? A: glass; Q: What is the island made of? A: acid; Q: What is the sea made of? A: the elderly Arbitan; Q: Who forces the travelers to retrieve the keys? A: Arbitan; Q: Who is the keeper of the Conscience of Marinus? A: Voord; Q: What is the name of the race of warriors that Yartek leads? A: its originally benevolent mind-influencing power; Q: What is the original purpose of the Conscience of Marinus? Summary: The TARDIS arrives on the planet Marinus on an island of glass surrounded by a sea of acid. The travellers are forced by the elderly Arbitan to retrieve four of the five operating keys to a machine called the Conscience of Marinus, of which he is the keeper. These have been hidden in different locations around the planet to prevent them falling into the hands of the evil Yartek and his Voord warriors, who plan to seize the machine and use its originally benevolent mind-influencing power for their own sinister purposes.

2.22 - I Can't Get Started OPEN AT INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai, Rory, Michel, and Sookie are sitting at a table in the dining room listening to music] SOOKIE: Huh? LORELAI: Sookie, you've gotta be kidding. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: You cannot walk down the aisle to that. SOOKIE: Why? LORELAI: It's depressing. SOOKIE: It's Ella. LORELAI: It's morbid. SOOKIE: It's a classic song. LORELAI: A classic song with lyrics about a woman who can't make her relationship work, whose life is filled with emptiness and regret and pain. SOOKIE: Oh, who listens to the lyrics? LORELAI: Anybody not hanging out with Annie Sullivan by the water pump. RORY: What are these? SOOKIE: Oh, those are some alternative songs, but I really like this one the best. LORELAI: Alternative songs, good. Let's see. Hey Jude. SOOKIE: Paul wrote it for Julian to cheer him up. LORELAI: Seasons in the Sun? SOOKIE: Oh, a sentimental favorite. LORELAI: Cat's in the Cradle? SOOKIE: Oh, it makes you re-examine your priorities. LORELAI: Don't Cry Out Loud? Sookie, do you even like Jackson? MICHEL: Okay, I have a wonderful suggestion. LORELAI: Great, let's hear it. MICHEL: Okay, here we go. How about I leave? LORELAI: And then do what? MICHEL: That's it. I leave and I don't have to listen to this insanity anymore. What do you think, huh? Because I love it. LORELAI: Michel, I am in the wedding, which means you have to run the wedding all by yourself, something you've never done before. MICHEL: Oh, please. RORY: I'll tell you what, Sookie. How about Lane and I come up with a few more suggestions for you? Still melodic, but not quite as Girl, Interrupted. SOOKIE: All right, fine. LORELAI: Great. Michel, how's the RSVP list coming? MICHEL: Well, I must say this has been especially challenging for me. I mean, when you are talking about a wedding with up to forty people all living within a five mile radius, how can one person be expected to keep track of all of that? LORELAI: Just an answer will do. MICHEL: I mean, it got a little hairy there for a moment – I almost had to use a second sheet of paper, you know. LORELAI: You know, I'm not gonna let you annoy me out of making you handle this. MICHEL: Oh, we'll see. SOOKIE: Hey, my cousin Carl canceled so I have two empty seats. Anyone else you wanna invite? RORY: I've got Lane, I've got Dean, I'm good. SOOKIE: What about Emily and Richard? LORELAI: Emily and Richard who? SOOKIE: Your Emily and Richard. LORELAI: Oh, Sookie, you are way too sweet. SOOKIE: What? She went to all that trouble to help me plan the first phase of the wedding. LORELAI: The crazy phase of the wedding. SOOKIE: It was still sweet and I appreciated it. I mean, if it wasn't for your mother, I never would've settled on the color pink. LORELAI: Why is that? SOOKIE: Well, I wanted yellow and she said no. LORELAI: Oh, with logic like that. SOOKIE: Come on, just ask her. I want you to. LORELAI: Okay, I'll ask her. SOOKIE: Good. LORELAI: What are you doing? SOOKIE: It's get happier the second time you hear it. LORELAI: Unh. SOOKIE: Huh? Snappier, isn't it? [opening credits] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Rory, Lorelai, and Emily are sitting in the living room before dinner.] LORELAI: Huh. You know what I just realized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world. RORY: Huh. LORELAI: I mean, think about it. You never hear the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word. EMILY: Oh, dear God. LORELAI: Poodle is another funny word. EMILY: Please drink your drink, Lorelai. LORELAI: In fact, if you put oy and poodle together in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase, you know? Like, oy with the poodles already. So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catch phrase. RORY: Oy with the poodles already. LORELAI: I'm telling you, it's knocking ‘whatcha talking ‘bout, Willis?' right out of first place. EMILY: Lorelai, for God's sake, be quiet. MAID: Dinner's ready, Mrs. Gilmore. EMILY: Bless you, Inga. Please go tell Mr. Gilmore. He's in his den. MAID: Yes, ma'am. EMILY: Shall we? RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Oh, hey Mom, uh, Sookie wanted to know if you and Dad would like to come to her wedding. EMILY: Really? LORELAI: Yeah, it's gonna be great. Small, low key, but fun. She's catering it herself so the food'll be fantastic, and you'd get to see me and Rory walk down the aisle in two of the least obnoxious bridesmaid dresses ever created. EMILY: Well, that sounds very nice. When is it? LORELAI: A week from Sunday. EMILY: A week from Sunday? LORELAI: Yes. EMILY: The wedding is in one week? LORELAI: Yes. EMILY: So this is a pity invite? LORELAI: A what? EMILY: Someone canceled at the last minute and rather than being left with two empty seats, Sookie asked you to ask us. How nice. LORELAI: That's not what happened. EMILY: No, that's quite all right. Far be it from me to be invited with the first batch of actual wanted guests. This is just fine. LORELAI: Mom, it's not a pity invite. She really wants you to come. EMILY: Is that so? LORELAI: Yes, that's so. EMILY: Where's our invitation? LORELAI: What? EMILY: Our invitation. I mean, she must've at least given you an invitation to give us. LORELAI: She thought it would be more special coming directly from me. EMILY: So she was out of invitations. I never felt so special. LORELAI: Mom, she wants you to come. There's no reason to be insulted here. EMILY: I guess I should be thrilled that I didn't just get a call from the road as you were on your way there. LORELAI: Do not turn this into something that it's not. EMILY: Do we have a choice between chicken or fish, or at this point do we just bring our own? LORELAI: Stop. EMILY: Perhaps she would also like us to pick up some extra ice along the way, or help out parking the cars. LORELAI: Mom, look, isn't Rory pretty? RICHARD: Apologies all around. I could not get Adamson off the phone. LORELAI: Dad, glad you're here. We're just talking about how pretty Rory is. Big eyes, baby. Give him the Bambi face. RICHARD: Oh, Rory gets lovelier every day. RORY: Why, thank you, Grandpa. EMILY: Oh Richard? LORELAI: Oh my God. EMILY: Guess what Lorelai just told me? RICHARD: What? EMILY: We are invited to Sookie's wedding. RICHARD: Oh, how nice. When is it? EMILY: A week from Sunday. RICHARD: Oh, so it's a pity invite. EMILY: Ha! LORELAI: Oy with the poodles already. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Rory and Dean are at a table eating breakfast.] RORY: How are your pancakes? DEAN: Good. RORY: Good or really good? DEAN: Good. RORY: So, not really good? DEAN: Fine, really good. RORY: Okay. But are they great? DEAN: Rory, uh, would you perhaps like to trade breakfasts? RORY: You mean, your pancakes for my eggs? DEAN: Yup. RORY: Um, okay. Wow, you're crazy, these pancakes are great. [Lorelai walks by the window outside] DEAN: That's twelve. RORY: Mm, two more and she'll come in. DEAN: I don't know. She's been walking back and forth out there for twenty minutes and she still hasn't made it to the door. RORY: Yeah, but look how much closer to the building she's gotten. DEAN: Why don't we just bring her something out? RORY: No. She and Luke have been in this fight for too long, she's gotta do this. DEAN: You're cruel. RORY: Tough love, baby. Oops, I think she's coming in. DEAN: How can you tell? RORY: She's got shoe sale face on. [Lorelai walks in and sits down] LORELAI: Okay, I did it, I'm in. RORY: Good girl. LORELAI: It wasn't so bad. Took awhile, but not so bad. Wait, why are you eating? RORY: You took thirty minutes to come in. LORELAI: But I'm here now and hey, I'm like cheese. DEAN: What? RORY: She gets better with time. DEAN: Ah. RORY: Sorry gouda, we've got school. LORELAI: But – RORY: Order breakfast and I'll leave you the paper. LORELAI: No, but – RORY: I'll see you tonight. LORELAI: Dean, don't leave me. RORY: You'll do fine. You'll do fine. [Rory and Dean leave; Lorelai walks up to Luke at the counter] LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: Hello. LORELAI: Oh, good donut selection this morning, really. Good variety, good color, good goodness, good . . . Well, so the choices are there. It all comes down to what I'm in the mood for. Sprinkled or chocolate or jelly or glazed, maple or kiki or apple or, uh, raised. Little donut rhyme there. Never mind. Can I have a chocolate and a sprinkled please? LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: So, this is how it's gonna be with us now, huh? LUKE: No idea what you're talking about. LORELAI: You're pulling a Mr. Freeze on me. LUKE: I'm not pulling a Mr. Freeze on you. LORELAI: Please. I'm gonna need snow chains just to get out of here. LUKE: I assume you want coffee with your donuts. LORELAI: I'm sorry, Luke. It was a bad night. I completely freaked out. I said some things. . .did you get my note? I wrote you a note. LUKE: Got your note. LORELAI: You got my note. Did you read my note? LUKE: Read your note. LORELAI: And? LUKE: It was very well-written LORELAI: That's it? LUKE: I also enjoyed the Garfield stationary. That's one funny cat. LORELAI: I said I was sorry, Luke. LUKE: Yes, you did. LORELAI: I said it like a million times. LUKE: You said it four times, but I understand you're embellishing for dramatic effects. LORELAI: Stop. LUKE: Stop what? LORELAI: Oh, stop this robot talk. If you're mad, just act like you're mad at me. LUKE: I'm not mad at you. LORELAI: You're being really, really unfair. Rory was in the hospital. LUKE: Lorelai, what is it exactly that you want me to do? I'm not mad, I'm not holding a grudge, I heard your apology, I feel I'm being polite, I listened to your donut bit, I got you your coffee. What would make you happy? LORELAI: I want Luke back. LUKE: He's standing right here. LORELAI: No, he's not. [Lorelai walks out of the diner] CUT TO CHILTON AUDITORIUM [Paris is at a podium on stage addressing a room full of students] PARIS: Better drinking fountains, updated lockers, clearly marked boys' and girls' restrooms, non-dairy and wheat-free alternatives to the cafeteria, a larger voice in the monetary dispersal of charitable funds donated to our institution – because it is our institution, yours and mine. Remember people, if Chilton soars, we soar. If Chilton fails, we fail. It is up to us, we must get involved, we must care. It is not enough to sign a petition to get a Little Debbie machine installed in the senior corridor. Snack cakes will not change the world. Cream filling will not decide our legacy. How will future generations of Chilton students remember the class of 2003? John F. Kennedy once said, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. Those eloquent words are just as relevant to here in this hall today. What can you, the future of Chilton, of America, of the world, what can you do for your school? I will tell you what you can do. You can vote for me, Paris Gellar, for student body president, and let me start tomorrow for you today. Thank you. MRS. O'MALLEY: Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank Reese McGinly, Schatzi Leason and Paris Gellar, your presidential candidates for next year. Elections will be held this Friday. Good luck to all of you. This concludes today's assembly. You are all dismissed. [As people exit the auditorium, Paris walks over to Rory, who is writing in a notebook] PARIS: Hey. RORY: Hey. PARIS: Did you get the Little Debbie comment? RORY: Uh huh. PARIS: All of it? The cream filling, the snack cake? RORY: Every delicious morsel. PARIS: Good, good. So, how do you think it went? RORY: I think it went fine. PARIS: Fine, as is better than Reese and Schatzi? RORY: Fine as in fine. PARIS: Well, how are you skewing the article? RORY: Well, you'll have to wait and read about it in the Franklin like everyone else. PARIS: Fine, write whatever you want. RORY: I will. PARIS: Just make sure you mention that Schatzi pulling the Sharon Stone/Basic Instinct bit was a cheap attempt to distract the whole student body from my mandatory recycling program. RORY: Go away, Randolph. [Madeline and Paris enter the auditorium] MADELINE: We got it! PARIS: [walks over to them] You do? Well, come on, tell me. LOUISE: Okay, a hundred and fifty students were polled. MADELINE: A total cross section. LOUISE: We talked to people that we should never have even had to stand near. MADELINE: The hairstyles alone proved the Farrelly brothers are not making this stuff up. PARIS: I'm sorry, have I ever been mistaken for a patient person? MADELINE: Right, sorry. Okay, so we added the votes up. PARIS: You added? MADELINE: She added. PARIS: Good, continue. MADELINE: Okay, when asked which of the three candidates is the most qualified for the job of president, ninety percent said you. PARIS: Really? LOUISE: And when asked who of the three candidates would be the most competent president, overwhelmingly the answer was once again you. PARIS: So that's it, I'm in. MADELINE: Not quite. PARIS: How is that not quite? Most competent and most qualified, what else is there? LOUISE: Well, we also polled likability. PARIS: And? MADELINE: And while people think you're smart. . . PARIS: And competent. LOUISE: And competent, they also find you, well, a tad. . . MADELINE: Scary. LOUISE: Someone thought a Halloween mask of you would sell big. PARIS: Well, fine, they don't like me. Big deal, right? I'm still most competent. LOUISE: Yes, but when asked if the likability issue would affect their voting choice, almost a hundred percent said yes. PARIS: That's crazy. You mean, people would rather vote for a moronic twink who they liked over someone who could actually do the job? LOUISE: Sad, but true. PARIS: Well, what do I do? MADELINE: Hope for a s*x scandal? PARIS: Louise? LOUISE: Oh, I'm on it. [Louise and Madeline leave. Paris walks back over to Rory.] PARIS: Hey. RORY: Tomorrow with everyone else. PARIS: So, I have been wracking my brains for weeks trying to figure out exactly who should be my vice presidential candidate, you know? Who would be yin to my yang, Joel to my Ethan, Damon to my Affleck, and then suddenly, it hits me – the perfect person. RORY: Who? PARIS: You. RORY: What? PARIS: It's genius. We could announce it in the Franklin tomorrow, Gellar and Gilmore. We even have the g-thing going. Never underestimate the power of alliteration, my friend. RORY: I don't wanna be vice president. PARIS: Oh, come on. Every little girl wants to be vice president. RORY: Not this one. PARIS: But you have to. It's the only way. Please? I'm begging you. RORY: Paris. PARIS: They hate me, okay? RORY: Who hates you? PARIS: Everyone. Everyone in the whole school hates me. Oh, yeah, they think I'm the best for the job, but they don't want to go to the mall with me so they won't vote for me and that means I'm going to lose. RORY: Well, how is my running with you gonna change anything? PARIS: Because people think you're nice. You're quiet, you say excuse me, you look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning. People don't fear you. RORY: Hey, I haven't been dressed by a bird since I was two. PARIS: You will soften my image. RORY: You're crazy. PARIS: Please! RORY: No, I don't want to be in politics. I just want to write about politics. PARIS: You wouldn't have to do anything. I'll do all the work and make the speeches. You just have to sit there and be nice. RORY: No. PARIS: But – RORY: Bye. PARIS: Harvard loves this kid of crap. Being vice president is just one more thing to put you ahead of the rest of the hundreds of thousands of straight–A students who are applying for the same spot you are. Think about it. You say no, then comes the day when the letter from Harvard arrives. They've turned you down. Enjoy Connecticut State, sucker. Tell me you won't be thinking, what if I had just run with Paris? What if the one thing that could've ensured my place behind those ivy covered walls I just walked away from? RORY: Fine. PARIS: Yes! Okay. RORY: I guess the thought of just being nice to people never occurred to you, huh? PARIS: See, that is exactly what I need from you, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm for the new millennium. Hey, wear some braids tomorrow with bows. I mean, hell, let's sell it, sister! CUT TO DOCTOR'S OFFICE [Rory sits on the exam table as Lorelai stands next to her] LORELAI: So, how do you feel? RORY: Great. LORELAI: Not at all sad? RORY: About getting my arm back? No. LORELAI: Really? ‘Cause I've kind of gotten used to Casty over here. I mean, we decorated him, we talked to him, we protected him from getting wet in the shower. RORY: Okay, it's time to wean you off of getting attached to inanimate objects. LORELAI: Casty, no one understands you like I do. What? No, I did not know Mr. Band-Aid said that to you. Ugh, I will talk to him when we get home. [The doctor walks into the room] DR. SUE: How you doing? RORY: Dr. Sue, thank God. DR. SUE: Okay. So Rory, let's get this thing off your arm, huh? What do you say? RORY: Not a word. CHRISTOPHER: [from hallway] This one here? Wait, which one? Hey, you in the white, come on, point a finger. RORY: Dad? LORELAI: Christopher? [pulls open the door] CHRISTOPHER: Aha, there you are. Is it still on? LORELAI: What are you doing? CHRISTOPHER: Oh, great, I didn't miss it. Hey, doctor, I'm the dad. DR. SUE: Hey, nice to meet you, Dad. LORELAI: I can't believe you're here. CHRISTOPHER: Why? I told you last week I wanted to come down for the big unveiling. LORELAI: I know, but I didn't think you would drive all the way from Boston again. You were just here. CHRISTOPHER: You getting sick of me? LORELAI: Frankly, yes. DR. SUE: Okay, is everyone here now? RORY: I think so. DR. SUE: Okay, then let's do it. CHRISTOPHER: Great, and doctor, if at all possible, we'd like to keep the arm. DR. SUE: Oh, I'll try my best. CUT TO SIDEWALK [Lorelai, Rory, and Christopher walk down the street] CHRISTOPHER: So where to next? RORY: Um, actually, I have to get home. I have to review my campaign platform. CHRISTOPHER: Campaign platform? LORELAI: Yes, our little Hilary Clinton here is running for student body vice president. CHRISTOPHER: Wow. RORY: Elections are on Friday, but I can honestly say that I'm very torn about which way I want it to go. LORELAI: I spent four hours making picture buttons. You wanna win. RORY: But if I win then I have to be vice president next year. Plus, I'll have to spend my summer in Washington for some junior leadership program, which means six straight weeks of me and Paris together in a dorm room. CHRISTOPHER: Hey, how about this? I'll come back here on Thursday night and I'll take you guys to dinner, and then we'll break into Chilton and tamper with some votes. RORY: We can't. LORELAI: Thursday's Sookie's rehearsal dinner. CHRISTOPHER: Oh well, I guess you'll just have to put your trust in a democratic system. Good luck with that. LORELAI: But if you're gonna be in the area Thursday night, you can come with us to the dinner. CHRISTOPHER: But it's Sookie's rehearsal dinner. LORELAI: Oh, she would love it. She's cooking for a thousand. It'll be fun. RORY: Yeah, I'm bringing Dean. LORELAI: I mean, if you can't do it, then. . . CHRISTOPHER: What time? LORELAI: Seven thirty. CHRISTOPHER: I'm there. LORELAI: That's great. I'll tell her. CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE [The house is full of people for the rehearsal dinner. Kirk starts tapping on his glass] MISS PATTY: Ooh, ooh, a toast, everybody, a toast! KIRK: Ladies, gentlemen, honored guests. Who owns the silver Volvo ‘cause you're blocking me in? MISS PATTY: Well, it's better than the toast he made at the Ubromowitz wedding. CHRISTOPHER: How long before I move the car? LORELAI: Hm, give it another ten minutes. KIRK: Come on, I've gotta go. My mom is waiting. This isn't funny! [Jackson walks up to Sookie in the kitchen] JACKSON: We need to talk. SOOKIE: What's the matter? JACKSON: Uh, the bedroom, please. SOOKIE: Honey, I'm melting chocolate here. JACKSON: Oh, the chocolate can wait. My father just took me aside and handed me this. [holds up a kilt] SOOKIE: He handed you a skirt? JACKSON: Oh, it's not a skirt, it's a kilt. SOOKIE: Oh. Why did he hand this to you? JACKSON: He gave this to me to wear on my wedding day. SOOKIE: No. JACKSON: Oh, yes. He wore it on his wedding day, my grandfather wore it on his wedding day. Apparently, there's a long-standing tradition where the men in my family get very airy on the big day. SOOKIE: Well, honey, if it means that much to him. JACKSON: Are you crazy? SOOKIE: Well, he's your father. JACKSON: You won't let me wear shorts in public and you're gonna let me get married in this? SOOKIE: Well, what're you gonna do? JACKSON: I'm gonna wear pants. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to come. SOOKIE: He has to come, he's the best man. JACKSON: Too bad! [walks away] SOOKIE: [follows him] Jackson, come on. Shorts are different, they cut you funny! CHRISTOPHER: Okay, that's it, I need some air. Grab the bottle. LORELAI: Bossy. I like it. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Christopher walk out and sit on the front porch] CHRISTOPHER: Wow. I hope the second act's as good as the first one. LORELAI: Oh, well, it's a wedding. Things are supposed to be horrible. CHRISTOPHER: When Jackson came out holding that kilt – man, I felt for him. LORELAI: I know, so did I. CHRISTOPHER: Please, I saw what your face was doing. LORELAI: What? What was my face doing? CHRISTOPHER: It was counting up how many Brigadoon references you could come up with to torture him with at a later date. LORELAI: How dare you accuse my face of that! My face is calling Gloria Alred when we get home. CHRISTOPHER: How many references? LORELAI: None. CHRISTOPHER: How many? LORELAI: Twelve, including a few bars of I'll Go Home with Bonnie Jean. CHRISTOPHER: Well, I'm begging you, take plenty of pictures of this wedding because I have a feeling it's gonna be a classic. LORELAI: You know, if you're gonna be in town for the day, you should just come with us and. . .thanks. . .see all the fireworks for yourself. CHRISTOPHER: Okay. LORELAI: Okay? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. LORELAI: Just like that, okay? CHRISTOPHER: Well, if Sookie doesn't mind. LORELAI: What's going on with you? CHRISTOPHER: What do you mean? LORELAI: I mean, mister ‘suddenly I'm everywhere'. How come you can just agree to come to the wedding? CHRISTOPHER: Because I can. LORELAI: Don't you have to check your appointment book? CHRISTOPHER: It's on a Sunday. LORELAI: Don't you have to check with Sherry? Chris, what's up? CHRISTOPHER: Nothing. Sherry's not in town. LORELAI: Oh. CHRISTOPHER: And even if she was, I still don't think she'd mind if I went. LORELAI: Because she's the coolest chick in the world? CHRISTOPHER: Because things aren't going too well for us lately. LORELAI: Oh, no. CHRISTOPHER: She had this big business trip planned and before she left, we had a talk. LORELAI: Yikes. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. We tried to come up with some answers but we couldn't think of anything, so she left and we said we'd take this time apart to think. LORELAI: What have you been thinking? CHRISTOPHER: About finding an apartment. LORELAI: Wow, um, that's so weird. Last time I saw you two, you were. . .well, nauseating, actually. CHRISTOPHER: Believe me, we made ourselves sick a few times. LORELAI: I don't know what to say. CHRISTOPHER: No, there's nothing to say. It's nobody's fault. It just isn't it. LORELAI: You okay? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks. LORELAI: Well, then, it's decided. You'll come with me to Sookie's wedding and you'll make sure I stop one or two Brigadoon-isms shy of Jackson taking me out with a bagpipe. CHRISTOPHER: It would be my pleasure. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [The next morning, Rory is sitting in the living room as Lorelai walks down the stairs] LORELAI: Oh my God, I'm so tired. RORY: Hey Mom? LORELAI: Yes, angel? RORY: Do you happen to know where the almonds I made for table five went? LORELAI: No. RORY: ‘Cause they were here last night before Sookie's dinner. LORELAI: Really? How odd? RORY: Yeah. And this morning, I found some tulle on the staircase leading up to your bedroom. LORELAI: Hmm. Ghosts? RORY: It took me six hours to make those almond bundles, Mother. LORELAI: Well, see if you can beat that next time. RORY: So you got home late from Sookie's? LORELAI: Yeah, I stayed to help her clean up a little. Hey, guess what? RORY: What? LORELAI: I know something you don't know. RORY: What? LORELAI: Okay, just remember, it's really wrong to gossip, unless it's true or just way too good not to tell everyone you see, whether you know them or not. RORY: Got it, what is it? LORELAI: Well – [phone rings] Aw, if that's my conscience calling, tell it enough already, I heard it the first time. RORY: [answers phone] Hello? PARIS: How's this sound for a template? I have done my best. I have lost. Mr. Nixon has won. The democratic process has worked its will, so now let's get on with the urgent task of uniting this country. RORY: What is that? PARIS: Hubert Humphrey's concession speech. Now, other than the part about Nixon, parts of it really seem to apply here. RORY: Paris. PARIS: Hey, I'm not going to steal it. I'll paraphrase and I'll give him credit. RORY: Paris. PARIS: Not that the person who actually wins will even know who Hubert Humphrey is, but hey, I bet they'll organize one boffo senior ditch day. RORY: Where are you? PARIS: In the auditorium. I wanted to be here for one last meet and greet, get them right before they walk in the booth. RORY: Leave that place right now. PARIS: But – . RORY: People will think that you're insane and generally people are scared of the insane, so see where I'm going here? PARIS: I'm going to lose. RORY: You don't know that. PARIS: Yes, I do. Because even if I win, I only won because of you. Therefore, either way I lose. RORY: Come on. Go get a cup of coffee, relax. You deserve this job, I swear. Put away the concession speech. PARIS: Hubert Humphrey must not have been considered very fun either. RORY: I'll see you at school. [hangs up] God, she wants to win so badly, and me, not so badly. I feel terrible. LORELAI: Aw, come on. You know you wanna win so you can spend your whole summer in Washington far away from me. RORY: Please, don't even talk about Washington. It gives me a stomachache. LORELAI: It might be wonderful. RORY: Good, then you and I will go someday. LORELAI: Aw, look at you, trying to make Mommy feel like you don't spend every night tunneling out of here with a spoon. RORY: Get back to the gossip, please. LORELAI: Oh yeah. Okay. So, guess who's in the process of breaking up? RORY: Brad and Jen? LORELAI: Bite your tongue. RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: Sherry and your dad. RORY: No. LORELAI: Yes. RORY: Dad told you that? LORELAI: Last night. RORY: Wow. But they were so together. LORELAI: I know. Well, now they're not. RORY: Well, is he – oh, look at you. LORELAI: What? RORY: You're totally gloating. LORELAI: I'm not gloating. RORY: Then why are you smiling? LORELAI: I'm not smiling. I had a little stroke. RORY: Smiling. LORELAI: Oh, look, if he was all broken up about it then I would be sad, but he's not, so ha ha. RORY: Fourth rung of hell, party of one. LORELAI: Well, at least my feet won't get cold. [Lorelai pulls something out of her pocket and puts it in her mouth] RORY: Where'd you get that? LORELAI: What? RORY: That. The Jordan almond that you pulled out of your pajama top and ate – where did you get it? LORELAI: Hm, Santa Claus. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN LOBBY [Michel pulls on his coat and walks up to Lorelai near the front desk] MICHEL: All right, the piano movers will be here at eight and the chairs will be set up at nine. All the rooms are made up and ready. I will be in at ten. Now I am going home unless you would like me to stay. LORELAI: Actually, I would, thanks. MICHEL: No, I'm sorry, I think I said that wrong. I am going home now unless you would like me to stay. LORELAI: I would love you to stay, thanks for offering. MICHEL: Okay, see, once again, my English not so good. One more time. I am going home now after working six hours longer than I usually work and performing tasks I despise and am ashamed of, and now I am going home to wash off the stench of this horrifying day, that is, unless, for some unknown Godforsaken reason, you need me to stay. LORELAI: Well, actually – . MICHEL: Goodbye. [leaves] LORELAI: Hey, can I grab my bag? I'm gonna go in the back and change. EMPLOYEE: [hands her the bag] Sure. LORELAI: Thank you. SOOKIE: Hey, I went with the sugared daffodils for the top tier. Let me tell you, they look great. Ooh, I've outdone myself this time. LORELAI: What are you still doing here? SOOKIE: I just wanted to double check everything for tomorrow. Don't worry, I'm done, everything's fine. I'm now going straight to bed. LORELAI: Your last night as a single woman. SOOKIE: Yup. LORELAI: You still look good. SOOKIE: I still feel good. LORELAI: Just think of it. As of tomorrow, you can start wearing cold cream to bed and stop shaving your legs. SOOKIE: That's right, ‘cause I already got me a man. LORELAI: Go to sleep. SOOKIE: Okay, see you tomorrow? LORELAI: See you tomorrow. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Later that night, Lorelai is decorating the lobby as Christopher walks down the steps.] CHRISTOPHER: Well, look who's got Martha Stewart locked in a basement. Did you do all this? LORELAI: Yeah, I did. How's it look? CHRISTOPHER: It looks great. LORELAI: Good. What are you doing up? CHRISTOPHER: Couldn't sleep. I sweet-talked the maid into leaving me about ten thousand pillow mints and then I proceeded to eat them all. LORELAI: Serves you right. Oh God, I'm so exhausted. CHRISTOPHER: Need some help? [they sit down on the couch] LORELAI: No, I'm almost done. I got up and went back to work just now, didn't I? CHRISTOPHER: Yes, you did. LORELAI: Oh, good, ‘cause this is not the time to loaf. I'm so happy for Sookie. I mean, it's like a real live love story, and I saw it all happen. I mean, I hired Jackson. I watched them meet. I watched them have several bizarrely intense arguments over mustard greens. I watched them fall in love. I got to see it all. It was a nice show. Hi. CHRISTOPHER: Hi. [they kiss] LORELAI: What was that? CHRISTOPHER: I have no idea. [they kiss again] LORELAI: Chris. CHRISTOPHER: One more time and maybe I'll have an explanation. [they kiss again] LORELAI: Ah, this is not happening. CHRISTOPHER: I hope to God you're wrong. LORELAI: But it's us. I mean, you and I, we. . . CHRISTOPHER: Have never been in the same place at the same time. LORELAI: But now. . . [they kiss] My head is spinning. CHRISTOPHER: It's all the plants in here, too much oxygen. LORELAI: What do we do now? CHRISTOPHER: You know, I've got a room upstairs. LORELAI: You were that sure you'd get lucky? CHRISTOPHER: I never dreamed I'd get this lucky. LORELAI: Aw, that's good. CHRISTOPHER: So what do you say? [They walk toward the staircase] CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Later that night, Lorelai walks down the stairs and into the kitchen. Sookie is working on her wedding cake while wearing her wedding dress and veil.] LORELAI: What are you doing? SOOKIE: Daffodils. Am I insane? You can't have daffodils on your wedding cake. What was I thinking? LORELAI: Stop what you're doing right now. SOOKIE: There's too much pink. LORELAI: Sweetie, there's not too much pink. SOOKIE: Pink is for girls. Jackson's not a girl. Jackson doesn't like pink. I have all this pink, it's like saying, ‘Hey, screw you. You want a say in this? Well, grow some ovaries.' LORELAI: Hey, whoa, honey, hey! Put the pastry bag down. SOOKIE: I can't, I have to fix this. LORELAI: Sookie, down. Now step away from all things edible. Hey, what happened? SOOKIE: I don't know. LORELAI: When I left you, you were fine. SOOKIE: I know. And when I went home, I was fine. And when I went to bed, I was fine. And then I had this dream where suddenly my dress is really, really short in back, you know? So I bolt out of bed and I put my dress on, and it looks okay. But then I panic – what if I'm remembering the dream wrong? What if my dress isn't really screwed up, what if it's my veil? So I put on the veil, then I remember I'm serving salmon puffs. Salmon puffs! Okay, completely wrong, so I had to rush over here and try to find another first course, and then I walk in and these daffodils just. . .something snapped and that's when you walked in here. LORELAI: Honey, you're nervous. It's natural. SOOKIE: Well, I wasn't nervous until tonight. LORELAI: Well, that's okay. SOOKIE: I'm scared. LORELAI: I know. SOOKIE: I don't wanna get divorced. LORELAI: I know. SOOKIE: I don't wanna fight all the time and end up bitter. LORELAI: I know. SOOKIE: I don't wanna be one of those women sitting around making jokes about husband number two. I want number one to last. LORELAI: I know. SOOKIE: I want a guarantee. LORELAI: Sookie, you're gonna be fine. SOOKIE: I know. No, I don't. Okay, I need to stop obsessing on this. Tell me something. LORELAI: Like what? SOOKIE: I don't know. Anything. Tell me something to make me stop thinking about this. LORELAI: I just slept with Christopher. SOOKIE: That'll work. LORELAI: It just happened. SOOKIE: When? LORELAI: Tonight, in his room. SOOKIE: Oh my God! Was it. . .? LORELAI: Oh, yeah. SOOKIE: Wow, what does this mean? LORELAI: I don't know. SOOKIE: I mean, is this a good thing? LORELAI: I don't know. I think it is. SOOKIE: Oh my God, can you imagine if you and Christopher got together after all these years? LORELAI: Okay, hold on. We haven't even talked about that ourselves yet. SOOKIE: Ah, ooh God! Oh God. LORELAI: I know! SOOKIE: Well, when are you gonna talk about it? LORELAI: Probably when I go back up there with the snacks I promised. SOOKIE: He's waiting for you? LORELAI: Yes, he is. SOOKIE: Ooh, you've gotta get back up there. LORELAI: You have to get some sleep. SOOKIE: I wanna hear all the details tomorrow. LORELAI: Mmkay, I'll grab you in between the walking down the aisle and the getting married. [Sookie starts to leave] LORELAI: Hey Sookie. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: You're in your wedding dress. SOOKIE: I am. LORELAI: You're beautiful. [Lorelai walks over and hugs her] LORELAI: Now you go get some sleep. SOOKIE: And you go get some. CUT TO UPSTAIRS [Lorelai walks into Christopher's room with a plate of food.] LORELAI: Room service. CHRISTOPHER: I do like this hotel. Oh my God, that's good. What is it? LORELAI: I have no idea, but if Sookie asks, Michel ate it. CHRISTOPHER: So, should we avoid the subject for awhile or just dive right in? LORELAI: Call me Greg Louganis. CHRISTOPHER: Greg. What just happened here – amazing. LORELAI: I'm not arguing. CHRISTOPHER: Well, does that mean there's a chance for a repeat amazing? LORELAI: Do you mean right now or just in general? CHRISTOPHER: Both. Let's start with in general. LORELAI: I don't know, Chris. It's weird, isn't it? We just found this great balance, I've been seeing you more, we've been getting along so well. CHRISTOPHER: I know. LORELAI: And this thing with Sherry is so recent. CHRISTOPHER: I know. LORELAI: And then there's Rory to think about. I mean, we can't just go changing everything on her now. Not unless. . . CHRISTOPHER: Not unless it's gonna be a pretty permanent change. LORELAI: Yeah. CHRISTOPHER: And you're so sure it can't be? LORELAI: No, I'm not so sure. CHRISTOPHER: The timing seems right, Lor. LORELAI: I know it does. CHRISTOPHER: Maybe all this stuff we went through – that's the journey we needed to take to end up here. LORELAI: Maybe. CHRISTOPHER: Being a family – Mom, Dad, kid, Volvo. LORELAI: Ugh, the Volvo will have to go. CHRISTOPHER: It has a nice ring to it. LORELAI: Yeah, it does. I guess. . . CHRISTOPHER: What? LORELAI: I guess we'll never know until we try. CHRISTOPHER: So, we try? LORELAI: Yeah, we try. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Kirk walks through the door] KIRK: Luke, I've only got ten minutes. How quickly can you make me a ham on rye? LUKE: I've never clocked it, Kirk. KIRK: Well, you think it could be fast? LUKE: Yes, Kirk. Of all the sandwiches, I do believe the ham on rye is one of the faster ones to assemble. KIRK: What about a patty melt? Same time frame? LUKE: Probably a little longer. KIRK: Really? LUKE: Yes, I have to grill a hamburger whereas with the other one I just put the ham on the bread. KIRK: What if I wanted the bread on the ham on rye toasted? Are we talking somewhere in between the patty melt and the untoasted? LUKE: Probably. KIRK: Closer to the melt or closer to the - . LUKE: Kirk! KIRK: Peanut butter and jelly to go. LUKE: Coming right up. KIRK: What do you think of this suit? LUKE: It's fine. KIRK: I got it for Sookie's wedding. I read an article in the paper recently that said that weddings are an excellent place to meet women. LUKE: Well, if it was in the paper, it must be true. KIRK: I hope so, 'cause I'm so damn lonely not even Animal Planet does it for me anymore. LUKE: Your sandwich is coming right up. Caesar, I'm going upstairs for a minute. CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT [Luke walks through the door and finds Jess inside] LUKE: Hey. JESS: Hey. LUKE: How'd you get in here? JESS: The door was open. LUKE: No, I mean, I was in the diner. I would've seen you come up the stairs. . . you know what, forget it, I don't wanna know. So, how's everything back home? JESS: Fine. LUKE: Your mom? JESS: Fine. LUKE: You in trouble? JESS: Nah. LUKE: Then what the hell you doing here, Jess? You know, I, uh, I called you six times. Now I didn't expect you to call me back so we could sit on the phone in bed and watch Sleepless in Seattle together. I just expected you to call me back, say you got home, say no one mugged me on the bus, say you were okay. Say. . .you know what, never mind. Just tell me what it is you want. I got work to do. JESS: I wanna come back. LUKE: You what? JESS: I want to come back. LUKE: Come back here? JESS: Yes. LUKE: Here to Stars Hollow? JESS: Yes. LUKE: To live in this apartment with me? JESS: I said yes a million times already. LUKE: You know what, you're the one asking for something so you don't get to be James Dean this time, okay? Now, one more time, you wanna come back? JESS: Yes. LUKE: Why? JESS: I just, I. . . I just wanna come back. LUKE: You know what people told me when I said you were coming here to live with me? They told me I was crazy, they told me I was insane, they told me to start writing letters to Jodie Foster – but I ignored them. I was so sure that I knew what I was doing and then you showed up and you know what happened? You proved them right. I was crazy, and now after all that has happened, after all the chaos and havoc that you have wreaked, you're seriously standing there wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a butt with hands that are flipping me off, telling me you wanna come back? JESS: You didn't pack up my stuff yet. LUKE: Uh, no, I've been a little busy. JESS: When were you planning on sending it back to me? LUKE: What, hey, am I wearing a little brown uniform with UPS stamped on it? JESS: So, what do you think? LUKE: Things are gonna have to be different, Jess. JESS: I know. LUKE: Okay. JESS: Okay? LUKE: So you're staying? JESS: I'm staying. LUKE: Okay, then. Stay. I gotta get back to the diner. JESS: I'll help you close up later, all right? LUKE: Sure. She's not home. JESS: Who? LUKE: She's at Sookie's wedding with Dean, they're still together. They seem to have gotten through the whole car incident. They're doing really good, Dean and Rory. JESS: Good. LUKE: Just leave it alone, Jess. She's got a boyfriend. Just let it go. JESS: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just going out for a walk. LUKE: You heard what I said? JESS: Yeah, I heard what you said. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Before the wedding, people are mingling in the yard.] MICHEL: The linen closet's the third door on the right. [Rory watches Babette and Patty sing at the piano.] DEAN: Hey you. RORY: Hey. You look nice. DEAN: Thank you. You look beautiful. RORY: Thank you. DEAN: So, uh, how many cocktails caused that? RORY: Oh, they haven't had any cocktails yet. DEAN: Really? RORY: Oh yeah. When they start having cocktails, we're gonna have to hide you. DEAN: I'm looking forward to that. [his cell phone rings] Huh, I'm not sure who'd be calling me now. Hello? PARIS: Dean? DEAN: Who is this? PARIS: It's Paris. I need to talk to Rory. DEAN: Uh, sure, hold on. [hands phone to Rory] It's Paris. RORY: What? [on phone] Hello? PARIS: We've got the band! RORY: What? PARIS: We got the band! I knew we had most of the academic clubs tied up, but band – they were the wild card ‘cause believe me, if anybody's going to be truly scared of me, it's some artsy loser with a tuba wrapped around his neck. RORY: Paris, how did you get this number? PARIS: Oh, relax. I won't call you on Prince William's precious phone again. I just wanted you to know that we did it, we're in, welcome to the show. [hangs up] RORY: I think we won. DEAN: Wow. Uh, that's great. RORY: Yeah. DEAN: So I guess this means you'll be spending the summer in Washington. RORY: Oh, nothing's decided yet, believe me. Let me do a little research and then I'll figure something out. DEAN: Good. LORELAI: Hey. RORY: Hey. LORELAI: You know what's really great about being a grown up? This. [holds up drink] RORY: Well, thanks for the life lesson. LORELAI: You're welcome. Dean, you clean up really nicely. DEAN: Uh, thank you. LORELAI: You know, we're gonna have to hide him from Patty and Babette once they hit the hooch. RORY: Already told him. LORELAI: Okay, well, I gotta check on some things. See you guys later. RORY: Bye. [Lorelai turns around and walked toward the porch. Christopher is walking toward her.] LORELAI: Stop it. CHRISTOPHER: Stop what? LORELAI: Stop looking at me like that or everyone here will think we did it. [they kiss] There, that'll throw them off the track. CHRISTOPHER: So this morning you woke up and felt sorry about last night? LORELAI: No. CHRISTOPHER: Embarrassed about last night? LORELAI: No. CHRISTOPHER: Eager and willing to repeat last night? [Lorelai sees her parents walking toward them] LORELAI: Ah, Mom, Dad, hi. CHRISTOPHER: Richard, Emily. RICHARD: Well, hello Christopher. What a pleasant surprise. LORELAI: You came. EMILY: Of course we came, we were invited. Hello Christopher. I mean, why did you think we would not come? LORELAI: I thought you thought the invitation was rude. EMILY: It was rude. However, it would've been equally rude for us not to attend the wedding when we were perfectly capable of doing so, so we came. That's called rising above it. LORELAI: I see. Do you wanna come back down here long enough to get a drink? EMILY: Yes, that would be nice. CHRSTOPHER: I'll get it for you. EMILY: Champagne, please. CHRISTOPHER: Should I make that two? LORELAI: Absolutely. RICHARD: I believe I'll join you, see what sort of scotch they're serving here. CHRISTOPHER: When I get back, you're gonna have to answer my last question. [Christopher and Richard walk away] EMILY: What on earth is Christopher doing here? LORELAI: Um, well, he's visiting his daughter. EMILY: That's very nice. LORELAI: Yeah. Actually, he's been visiting his daughter quite a bit lately. EMILY: Really? LORELAI: Yes. In fact, Mom, you might be seeing a lot more of Christopher from now on. EMILY: Because he'll be visiting his daughter? LORELAI: Yes, he'll be visiting his daughter. EMILY: Well, I'll be damned. CUT TO WALKWAY [Christopher and Rory are walking along a pathway] CHRISTOPHER: So I'm guessing your mom talked to you? RORY: She talks to me all the time, frequently when I'm begging her not to. CHRISTOPHER: And she told you what we discussed? RORY: She mentioned something about it, yes. CHRISTOPHER: And what do you think about all this? RORY: I don't know. What exactly are your intentions? CHRISTOPHER: Excuse me? RORY: Your intentions – are they honorable? CHRISTOPHER: Completely honorable. RORY: Yeah? Because we have been waiting for this for a really long time and we take disappointment extremely hard. I mean it, property damage is often involved. CHRISTOPHER: Well, I better follow through on this, huh? RORY: I think that's an excellent idea. CHRISTOPHER: Come here, you. [they hug, his cell phone rings.] It's probably work. RORY: On a Sunday? CHRISTOPHER: Hey lady, I've got a lot of responsibility now, okay? RORY: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: Be right back. [Christopher walks away. Rory sees Jess and walks over to him] RORY: What are you doing here? JESS: Hello to you, too. RORY: Is everything okay? JESS: You look nice. RORY: Thank you. What are you doing here? JESS: I moved back. RORY: What? JESS: I moved back. RORY: But – what – why? JESS: Just wanted to. [Rory kisses him] RORY: Oh my God! Oh my God! JESS: Rory. RORY: Don't say a word! JESS: Okay. RORY: I have to go. [runs away] Oh, welcome home! CUT TO BRIDGE [Lorelai is standing on the bridge as Christopher walks up to her] CHRISTOPHER: Lor! LORELAI: Ah, hey there. We're starting any minute. Have you seen Rory? CHRISTOPHER: Uh, yeah, I just left her over there. LORELAI: Oh, good, okay, I'll find her. Go get a good seat. The wind's kicking up so this might be a really good show. CHRISTOPHER: I have to go. LORELAI: Huh, what, why? CHRISTOPHER: I have to take care of something. LORELAI: Chris! CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry, really. I'll call you later to see how it went. LORELAI: No, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What – tell me why you're leaving? What – what's going on? CHRISTOPHER: Sherry called. She's back. LORELAI: So you're going home. Gonna tell her you're moving out? No? Okay. CHRISTOPHER: I can't believe this. I mean, I really can't believe this. LORELAI: Uh, okay, I don't know. Um, just, uh, drive safe. CHRISTOPHER: Drive safe? LORELAI: Yeah, drive safe. I mean, you know, you're still Rory's dad, right? So whatever happens or doesn't happen between us, I still need you to drive safe. CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai. LORELAI: Just go, Chris! CHRISTOPHER: Sherry's pregnant. LORELAI: Oh. Oh my. CHRISTOPHER: She just found out and she called me as soon as she found out, and that was her calling to tell me that she found out. LORELAI: Pregnant. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. LORELAI: Wow. Well, uh, women all over the world will line up to see that tiny woman fat. CHRISTOPHER: I don't know what to do. I was so happy last night and now. . . LORELAI: Yeah. CHRISTOPHER: I missed it before with Rory. I wasn't there, I wasn't apart of it. LORELAI: I know. CHRISTOPHER: And I never forgave myself. LORELAI: I know. CHRISTOPHER: So, what, I'm just. . .I'm gonna do that again? I'm just gonna take off, disappear? LORELAI: No. You're gonna go home. CHRISTOPHER: This is absolutely unbelievable. I've waited years for this, Lor. You, Rory, the whole perfect picture and now - . LORELAI: Listen, I have to walk down the aisle in a minute and be really happy for Sookie and right now I'm having a little trouble standing, so maybe it would be better if you would just go. CHRISTOPHER: I'm so sorry. LORELAI: Oh, yeah. Me, too. CHRISTOPHER: You'll tell Rory? LORELAI: I will. Hey, congratulations. CHRISTOPHER: Thanks. CUT TO WEDDING [The wedding ceremony is about to begin. Lorelai is waiting to walk down the aisle. Rory runs over and stands next to her, Lorelai gives her a bouquet.] RORY: I think I'm going to Washington. LORELAI: Oh. Okay.

Plan: A: Sookie; Q: Who is getting married? A: Sookie's wedding; Q: What is the event that is coming up? A: Lorelai; Q: Who apologizes to Luke? A: the diner; Q: Where does Lorelai apologize to Luke? A: Christopher; Q: Who comes to town for the removal of Rory's cast? A: Sherry; Q: Who drops a bomb? A: Jess; Q: Who asks Luke if he can stay? A: Stars Hollow; Q: Where does Jess return to? Summary: Sookie's wedding draws near, while Lorelai finally relents and goes into the diner, where she apologizes profusely to Luke. Christopher comes to town for the removal of Rory's cast and decides to stay for Sookie's wedding. While Lorelai and Chris seem to be getting along, Sherry drops a bomb. Paris is running for student body president, and employs Rory as vice-president. Jess returns to Stars Hollow and asks Luke if he can stay.

Voice over: "Los Angeles. You see it at night and it shines. Like a beacon. People are drawn to it. People and other things. They come for all sorts of reasons. My reason? No surprise there. It started with a girl." Angel sits at a bar, playing with a glass sitting in front of him. He appears to be slightly drunk. Angel: "She was a really, really pretty girl. No she, she was a hottie girl. She, she had - I mean - her hair was... You know? - -You kind of remind me of her. Because, because - you know - the hair. I mean - the hair." He looks over at the guy sitting beside him. It is a burly black guy with a clean-shaven head. Angel turns his head and glances over his shoulder at a group of three guys and two girls playing pool behind him. One of the guys comes and leans on the bar next to Angel and says to bartender: "We want to cash out." Angel looks up at him with a drunken grin: "Girls are nice." Laughs. The guy gives him a disgusted look. Bartender: "Here you go." Guy to the others: "Okay, guys, let's go. Let's go find some real fun." The five pool players leave and Angel straightens up in his chair. After a beat he gets up no longer laughing and follows them out. Cut to Alleyway beside the bar: Blond girl: "You guys really know the doorman? I mean you can get us into the Lido?" 1.Guy: "I don't want to go clubbing anymore. I want to party, right here." Grabs the girl. 1.Girl: "Hey back off!" (pushes him away) 2.vamp grabs 2.girl. 1.vamp grabs 1.girl by the throat: "Shut up and die!" (vamps out) Angel walks up apparently drunk: "Excuse me. 'scuse me. I'm sorry. But has anybody seen my car? It's big , and it's shiny." 1.vamp: "Piss off, pal!" Angel walks up to him and leans in to get a closer look at his face. 1.vamp growls at him. Angel leans back: "Uhh, breath mint?" 1.vamp throws the girl into some trashcans and swings at Angel. Angel blocks, knocks him down, spins around to knock the 2.vamp running up in the face, then kicks out at the first vamp just getting back up. 3.vamp tackles Angel to the ground, but Angel catapults him over his head and gets back up. Sees two vamps charging him from opposite sides. Triggers the stakes concealed in spring-loaded wrist sheathes under his sleeves and stakes both at the same time. They dust. 1.vamp comes up and hits him over the head with a trashcan. Angel drops to the ground. Angel (in vamp face): "You shouldn't have done that." Gets up, hits 1.vamp in the stomach then throws him. 1.vamp spins in the air and lands on top of a car's windshield cracking it. Cut to the two girls watching, looking scared. 1.girl is bleeding from a cut on her forehead. 1.girl: "Oh, my god! They were..." Angel with his back turned to them: "Go home." 1.girl steps closer: "Thank you." Angel spins around and she looks shocked at his vamp face. He stares at her bleeding cut. "Stay away from me." The girls back off. Angel stalks down the alley looking disgusted. Breaking a slat from a wooden crate he stakes the vamp still lying on the car's hood without even looking. The girls watch him leave. Intro. Angel walks down a street. Enters an office Building. Walks down a couple steps and through one of the offices on the ground floor and gets into an elevator. Pulls the metal grating closed, the elevator goes down. Cut to angel getting out of the elevator, takes off his coat as he walks into the apartment. Undoes the empty wrist sheathes, steps over to a weapons cabinet, takes off his shirt (has a black muscle shirt on under it, sorry ladies) and drops it over the back of a sofa. Then freezes and looks over his shoulder at: Doyle: "I like the place. I mean it's not much with the view, but it has a nice bat-cave sort of an air to it." Angel: "Who are you?" Doyle playing with a deck of cards in his hands: "Doyle." Angel turns around: "You don't smell human." Doyle: "Now that's a bit rude. So happens that I am very much human." Sneezes and blue spikes pop out all over his face. "On my mother's side." Shakes his head and the spikes disappear. Doyle walks past Angel: "Well, I come in uninvited, so you know I'm not a vampire like yourself." Angel: "What do you want?" Doyle: "I've been sent. - By the Powers That Be." Angel: "The powers that be what?" Doyle: "Let me tell you a little bedtime story." Angel: "But I'm not sleepy." Doyle: "Once upon a time there was a vampire. And he was the meanest vampire in all the land. (Flashback to Angel in vamp face biting Daniel, biting a girl) All the other vampires were afraid of him, he was such a - b*st*rd. Then one day he's cursed - by gypsies. (Flashback to old gypsy lady speaking the curse) They restore his human soul. And all of a sudden he is mad with guilt. You know: 'What have I done?' You know, he's freaked." Angel sits down on the sofa: "Okay. Now I'm sleepy." Doyle: "Yeah, well, it's a fairly dull tale. It needs a little s*x, is my feeling. So sure enough: enter the girl. (Flash to scenes of Buffy) Pretty little blonde thing, (whistles) Vampire Slayer by trade. And our vampire falls madly in love with her. (Flash to Angel and Buffy kissing) Eventually the two of them, - well, they get fleshy with one another. Well, I guess the technical term is perfect happiness. But when our boy gets there, (Flash to dream sequence form Amends) he goes bad again. He kills again. It's ugly. So when he gets his soul back for the second time, he figures hey, he can't be any where near Miss young puppy eyes without endangering them both. So what does he do? He takes off. (Flash to Angel walking away in G2) Goes to LA. (Doyle picks up a knife) To fight evil - and atone for his crimes. He's a shadow, - a faceless champion of the hapless human race. - Say you wouldn't have a beer of any kind in here, would you?" Angel: "No." Doyle: "Come on, you must have something besides pig's blood!" Angel get up off the sofa: "Okay. You've told me the story of my life, but since I was there, I already knew. So why aren't I kicking you out?" Doyle looks into the refrigerator that holds two bags of blood: "Because now I'm going to tell you what happens next. You see this vampire, he thinks he's helping. Fighting the demons. Staying away from the human's so as not to be tempted. Doing penance in his little - cell. But he's cut off. From every thing. From the people he's trying to help." Angel: "I still save 'em. Who cares if I don't stop to chat." Doyle: "When was the last time you drank blood?" Angel whispers: "Buffy." Doyle: "Left you with a bit of a craving, didn't it? Let me tell you something, pal, that craving is going to grow and one day soon one of those helpless victims that you don't really care about is going to look way too appetizing to turn down. And you'll figure hey! what's one against all I've saved? Might as well eat them. I'm still ahead by the numbers!" Doyle: "You know I'm parched from all this yakking, man. Let's go treat me to a Billy Dee." Cut to Angel and Doyle walking on the street. Doyle carrying a bottle in a brown paper bag: "It's not all about fighting and gadgets and stuff. It's about reaching out to people, showing them that there's love and hope still left in the world." Homeless lady comes up and asks him for some change. Doyle (to lady): "Get a job, you lazy sow. (to Angel) It's about letting them into your heart. It's not about saving lives; it's about saving souls. Hey, possibly your own in the process." Angel: "I want to know who sent you." Doyle: "I'm honestly not sure. They don't speak to me direct. I get - visions. Which is to say great splitting migraines that come with pictures. A name - a face. I don't know who sends them. I just know whoever sends them is more powerful than me or you, and their just trying to make things right." Angel: "Why me?" Doyle: "Because you've got potential. And the balance sheet isn't exactly in your favor." Angel: "Well why you?" Doyle: "We all got something to atone for. (reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper) Had a vision this morning. When the blinding pain stopped I wrote this down." Angel reads the paper-Tina Coffee Spot "Tina." Doyle: "Nice looking girl, needs help." Angel: "Help with what?" Doyle: "That's your business. I just take the names." Angel: "I don't get it. How am I supposed to know..." Doyle: "You're supposed to get into her life, remember? Get involved. Look, High School's over, boy. It's time to make with the grown up talk." Angel: "Why would a woman I've never met even talk to me?" Doyle laughs: "Have you looked into a mirror lately? (hesitates) No, I guess you really haven't, no." Angel: "I'm not good with people." Doyle: "Well that's the whole point of this little exercise, isn't it?" Doyle: "Are you game?" Cut to the Coffee Spot, Angel pulls up in his convertible. Cut to Angel is sitting at a table drinking coffee. A waitress is talking to the guy behind the counter. Guy: "Tina, I've got to do it by seniority. Everybody wants to work extra hours." Tina: "I know. It's just - I just need... Well, I'm good for Saturday night. If people want to go out, I'll double shift or what ever." Guy: "Well, you're on the list, okay?" Tina: "Thanks." As Tina walks towards Angel's table he leans forward looking at a white dog next to a table: "Sure is a cute little - (Tina walks by without even noticing him) - doggie?" Angel straightens back up. He tries again as Tina walks by him on her way back: "So, do you... How late are you open?" Tina: "Are you talking to ...?" Turns around, knocking a full coffee cup off the table she is standing next to. Angel reaches out and catches it without spilling a drop. Tina: "Wow. Good reflexes." Angel set the cup back down. Tina: "Well, thanks, these come out of my paycheck." Angel stands next to her with his hands in his pockets: "So, you're, are you - happy?" Tina looks up from clearing the table: "What?" Angel: "Well, you look sort off down." Tina: "You've been watching me?" Angel: "No! I was looking towards there - and you kind of walked through - there..." Tina: "You don't hit on girls very often, do you?" Angel: "No, it's been a while. I'm sort off new in town." Tina: "Do yourself a favor: don't stay." Angel: "You never answered my question." Tina: "Am I happy? Do you have three hours?" Angel: "Do I look busy?" Tina after a beat: "I get off at ten." Cut to Angel leaning against the side of his convertible wearing a sweater and dark slacks. Tina comes out of the Coffee Spot wearing a black sleeveless evening dress. Angel: "Wow. I suddenly feel underdressed. Did you want to have a drink or something?" Tina pulls a bottle of mace out of her purse and aims it at Angel's face: "I know who you are and what you're doing here. Stay the hell away from me. And you tell Russell to leave me alone." Angel: "I don't know anyone named Russell." Tina: "You're lying." Angel: "No I'm not." Tina: "Then why were you watching me?" Angel: "Because you looked lonely. - And I figured that we have something in common." Tina looks at him a while longer then lowers her mace: "Oh. I'm sorry." Angel: "That's okay." Tina: "No it's not." Angel: "Who's Russell?" Tina shakes her head and starts to walk past him. Angel: "I'd like to help." Tina: "The only help I need is a ticket home. - And that wasn't me asking for money." Angel: "Where's home." Tina: "Missoula, Montana. (Sees Angel's face) You've been to Missoula?" Angel: "During the depression. - Ah, my depression. I-I was depressed there. - It's pretty country though." Tina: "Lots of open land, lots of nothing else. - I came here to become a movie star. But they weren't hiring. - Well, I have a fabulous Hollywood party to go to. Hence the glamour. The girl giving it owes my security deposit. - Well, it was nice threatening you." Angel: "You need a lift?" Cut to the fabulous Hollywood party. Margo is walking around video taping the people there. Angel and Tina enter. Margo: "Tina! Smile for the camera. And who is this hunk of tall, dark and handsome?" Tina: "Just a friend. Margo, I really need to talk to you." Margo: "Uh, grab yourself a drink. I'll be right there." Tina picks up a star shaped sandwich from the refreshment table: "Cute. Everyone's a star." Angel: "Who's Russell?" Tina: "He is someone I made the mistake of trusting." Margo: "Here I am." Tina: "This wont take long." Margo: "I would not leave that one unattended." The two girls leave and Angel wanders around the party looking lost. Oliver walks up to Angel: "You are a beautiful, beautiful man." Angel slightly rattled: "Thanks." Oliver: "You're an actor." Angel: "No." Oliver hands him his business card: "I'm Oliver. Ask anyone about Oliver. I'm a fierce animal. I'm your agent as soon as you call me." Angel tries to give the card back to him: "I'm not an actor." Oliver: "Funny. I like that. I like the whole thing. Call me. This isn't a come-on. I'm in a very serious relationship with a landscape architect." Walks off while Angel stares at his card with a frown. Cordelia off screen: "You know, they asked me to come back and read for a third time! I'm and actress. I don't put up with things like that!" Angel spots her talking to two guys in business suits: "Cordelia?" Cordelia turns and sees him: "Oh, my god. Angel?" Angel: "Nice to see a familiar face." Cordelia: "I didn't know you were in LA. Are you *living* here?" Angel: "Yeah. You?" Cordelia: "Malibu. A small condo on the beach. It's not a private beach, but I'm young so I forbear." Angel: "You're acting?" Cordelia: "Can you believe it? I mean I just started it to make some quick cash, and then boom, it was like my life! - So are you still (holds up her hands like claws and makes a face) - grrr?" Angel: "Yeah, there's not actually - a cure for that." Cordelia: "Right. But you're not evil, I mean your not here to bite people?" Angel: "No, I'm here with a friend." Cordelia: "Oh, good. Well, it was nice seeing you, but I've got to get mingly. I really should be talking to people that *are* somebody." Walks away. Angel to himself: "It's nice that she's grown as a person." Walks around, sees a black haired guy talking to Tina. Stacy: "Russell just wants to see you." Tina: "Leave me alone!" Walks over to Angel. Tina: "Of course she doesn't have the money yet." Angel: "Who's that?" Tina: "Stacy? He's just a creep. Can we please go?" Angel: "Yeah." Cut to the elevator opening on the parking garage of the hotel. Angel and Tina step out. Three guys run up. One grabs Tina, the other two tackle Angel. They fall back into the elevator and the door closes just as Stacy steps out of the elevator next to it. Stacy: "Hey, hey. Okay, he just wants to see you, that's all." Tina quits struggling: "Okay, no problem." They walk through the doors into the parking garage and Tina runs. The two guys soon catch her and they all get into a Mercedes Sedan. Angel comes out of the elevator, leaving the two guys behind unconscious. He runs into the parking garage, sees the Sedan. He enters his convertible in a heroic jump. The keys won't fit. He looks around. An identical convertible is parked four spots further down. Angel: "Damn it!" Gets out of the car. Cut to Angel driving for a head-on collision with the Sedan. The driver of the sedan chickens out and rams into one of the parked cars instead. Angel gets out of the car and kicks the car door of the sedan to slam into the driver standing behind it, grabs his pistol away from him. He aims the pistol at Stacy who has gotten out of the back. Stacy holding his hands up: "Whoever you are, you don't want to get involved here, trust me." Angel: "Tina, get in the car." She does. Stacy: "You know what? I don't think you're going to pull that trigger." Angel drops him with a hard left: "Good call." Drops the gun and gets in his car. Tina: "Nice party, huh?" Angel: "A little too fabulous for me." Drives off. Cut to Cordelia's apartment. It's really poor. There are plaster patches on dirty yellow walls. She is hanging up her dress in a bare closet. Answering machine: "You have one new message." Agent on the machine. "Cordy, Joe at the Agency. No Luck, again. We're having trouble booking auditions. The networks say they've seen enough of you. So, you know, no need to call. We'll let you know if the situation changes. Bye." Cordelia takes out some of the star shaped sandwiches that she stashed away at the party with a sigh Answering machine: "You have no more messages." Cut to Angel's apartment. Teakettle whistles. Tina is rummaging through her bag. Tina: "My Girl Scout training. I can live out of this bag for days if I have to." Angel in the kitchen: "I've made some tea." Tina: "Thanks." Angel: "Do you take milk and sugar?" Tina: "Yeah." Angel: "Because I don't have those things. - I don't get a lot of visitors." Tina looks at the weapons hanging on the walls: "At least not ones you like." Angel hands her the tea mug: "I have relationship issues, too." Tina: "I guess this is the part were you comfort me? Not like you didn't earn it." Angel: "No, this is the part where you have a safe place to stay while we figure things out." Tina: "You mean you don't want..." Angel: "You have enough people taking advantage right now." Tina tries to keep from crying: "Boy, are you in the wrong town." Sits on the bed. Angel hands her a dishtowel to dry her tears and sit down next to her. Angel: "Russell have a last name?" Tina: "Yeah, but you don't need to know it. You've done enough already." Tina: "He's the kind of guy that can get away with murder." Angel: "Who did he murder?" Tina: "I don't know. Maybe nobody. - He likes - he likes pain. I mean he really does. He talks about it like it was a friend. And you don't leave him, he tells you when he's had enough. I knew this girl, Denise, she tried to get away. She disappeared of the face of the earth. - He finds you." Angel: "Not anymore." Cut to Angel pulling up the blanket over a sleeping Tina. He takes her address book out of her purse and looks up Denise Perkins name. Cut to the library. Angel is running a search on three different computers. One brings up an article on a Denise with a picture of a rose tattoo on her left shoulder. Another is a crime report on other missing young women. Then there is a coroner's report with a close-up of a rose tattoo like the one the actress had. Cut to Angel walking through the sewers, subway noises in the background. He hears someone moaning. He quickly climbs up through a trap door just in front of the bed Tina is lying on. He grabs her and tries to wake her form her nightmare. She grabs a hold of him while he tries to calm her down. Tina: "He was here." Angel: "I'm here." Angel: "Did your friend Denise have a tattoo on her left shoulder?" Tina: "She had a rose." Angel: "I think she *was* murdered. And there were others. He picks girls with no family, no one to care." Tina pulls away from him. Angel: "Look you don't have to be afraid. Your safe here." Tina points over his shoulder at Doyle's note laying on the sofa table: "Why do you have that? - You knew who I was when you walked in there last night?" Tina starts to pack her things. Angel stands up: "No, I didn't. I just -I had your name that's all, all right? Look. It's complicated." Tina: "Yeah, I'm sure. Big complicated game that Russell's playing with my head. How much is he paying you?" Angel: "He's not." Tina: "You're just like him. You stay away from me." She runs out of the apartment. She runs through the office to the doors leading out. Sun is shining through the windows in the doors. As she leaves the office Angel grabs her arm. Angel: "Please, listen..." She tries to get away and pulls him towards the doors. Direct sunlight hits his arm and it goes up in flame. As Tina stares in horror Angel vamps out. She runs out the doors. Angel moves to follow but stops when he starts smoking again in the sunlight. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Tina's apartment building. Tina is packing. She picks up a revolver from a drawer and spins around aiming it right at Russell. Tina: "Russell." Russell: "I've been looking everywhere for you. And here you are right under my nose. Oh, I own the building, most of the block. (smiles at her) Are you going to point that gun at me all day?" Tina: "What did you do to Denise?" Russell: "Nothing." Tina: "I want the truth, Russell." Russell: "She wanted to go home, I bought her a ticket to Pensacola." Tina: "She's dead." Russell: "What do you mean? She called me yesterday. She said she's going back to school, she wanted me to pull some strings." Russell: "Look, we both know that I live outside of the box, but I don't go around killing my friends! - If this about LA. If you need rent. You know I only want to help you." Takes the gun from her. Russell: "Just tell me what you want." Tina looks down, crying: "I want to go home." Russell smiling: "Done." Strokes her cheek as she cries. Russell: "Poor thing. Who's been spinning your head like this?" Tina: "I don't know. I thought you hired him. He turned into something. It was the most horrible thing I've ever seen." Russell vamps out: "Well, you're young." Tina gasps in shock and he leans in to bite her. Cut to Angel running up to her apartment. He opens the door and walks in to find her laying dead on the floor. He touches the bite marks on her neck then looks at the blood on his fingers. Cut to the Coroners zipping Tina up in a body bag. Camera pulls back to reveal Angel watching the scene from a neighboring roof. Cut to Angel steeping out of the elevator into his apartment. Angel: "The guy' trying to take her at the party was called Stacy." Doyle: "First name or last?" Angel: "I don't know. Professional muscle, probably done some time." Doyle: "I can ask around." Angel grabs a phone book: "Great. Start with the car. Grey '87 Black Mercedes 300E, going to need some serious work on the bumper. Call the chop shops." Doyle: "I know a couple that ain't in the book, too." Angel: "The guy in the car leads me to Stacy. Stacy leads me to Russell." Doyle: "You couldn't have known she was going to run out on you like that." Angel: "Forget it. Let's get to work." Doyle: "You can't cut yourself off from..." Angel: "Doyle, I don't want to share my feelings, I don't want to open up. I want to find Russell and I want to look him in the eye." Doyle: "Then what?" Angel: "Then I'm going to share my feelings." Cut to Russell's huge white Mansion. There are dark suited security guys patrolling the premises and uniformed maids in the halls. Russell is watching a video tape of Margo's party while listening to his lawyer's report. Lawyer: "Mr. Winter, the Eltron merger is a go. They caved on everything after you negotiated with their CFO. We'll bring the papers by your office tomorrow." Russell is looking at pictures of Tina at the party: "She had something, didn't she?" Tina smiles into the camera and waves. Russell: "I was sorry to kill her so soon." Lawyer: "Actually, you haven't seen her in several week. (opens briefcase and takes out a paper) You were in a conference yesterday with your contract lawyers when the unfortunate incident occurred. And we've located a witness that is telling police that saw a dark complected man with blood on his hands fleeing the scene." Russell: "Impressive." Lawyer: "Wolfram&Hart is a full service law firm, Mr. Winters. It is our job - to see to it that our clients lives run more smoothly." Russell sees a picture of Cordelia: "Who is this? (gets up) A fresh face. - I think we should meet." Lawyer: "Should I alert the firm that this young lady may constitute another long-term investment?" Russell: "I don't think so. I just want something to eat." Cut to Stacy's Gym Supplies. Stacy is talking to a guy when the store window is shattered by a trashcan swung by angel. Cut to Angel pushing Stacy down on a weight bench. Angel: "Where does he live, how much security does he have?" Stacy: "Listen Hot shot. What ever she was to you, you better forget it. You have no idea who you're dealing with here." Angel: "Russell? Let me guess. Not big on the daylight and the mirrors? Drinks a lot of V-8?" Stacy: "You get in his way, he'll kill you. He'll kill everyone you care about." Angel: "There is nobody left that I care about.' Cut to Cordelia's apartment she is sitting in the Lotus position with her eyes closed. Cordelia: "I am somebody. I matter. People will be drawn to my positive energy and help me to achieve my goals. I am right where I am supposed to be (she falls forward to the bed face down) and not dying for something to eat!" The telephone rings. Cordy jumps up and grabs it. Cordelia: "Hello, Cordelia Chase." Margo pouring herself a drink: "Cor, it's Margo. You were such a hit at my party last night." Cordelia: "Oh, thanks!" Margo: "Guess who saw my videotape of the party and guess who wants to meet with you." (pours out some pills) Cordelia: "A director? A manager? An assistant to an assistant who wants to spring for lunch?" Margo washing down the pills with her drink: "Russell winters." Cordelia: "The investment guy?" Margo: "Oh, oh, Cordelia. He is a lot more than that. He helps people get started in their careers. And he wants to meet you - tonight." Cordelia: "Tonight?" Margo: "He'll send a Limo for you at 8." Cut to Angel's apartment. Angel is filling up a black bag with weapons. Doyle: "Wow, you're really going to war here. - I guess you - ah - you've seen a few in your time, yeah?" Angel: "14, not including Vietnam. They never declared it." Cut to Cordelia riding in the Limo. Cordelia: "People will be attracted to my positive energy and help me achieve my goals. Oh, yeah!" Limo drives through a big metal gate onto the grounds of Russell's mansion. Cut to Angel's apartment. Doyle: "Well, listen, best of luck to you man. (slaps Angel's shoulder) I've got some fairly large coin riding on the Vikings tonight, but I'll be there with you in spirit, yeah?" Angel: "You're driving." Doyle: "Now wait a minute. Nah-a, I'm not combat ready. I'm just the messenger!" Angel throws him the weapons bag: "And I'm the message." Cut to Cordelia following a butler through Russell's huge foyer. They enter one of the rooms. Russell get up to greet her: "I'm Russell. Thank you so much for coming. (to butler) that'll be all Franklin. We'd like to be alone." Cordelia: "Wow, what a nice place. I love your curtains. Not afraid to emphasize the curtains." Russell: "Well, I have old fashioned tastes." Cordelia: "I grew up in a nice home. It wasn't like this, but we did have a room or two that we didn't even know what they were for. - Until the IRS got all huffy about my folks not paying taxes for, well, ever. They took it all." Russell: "Margo tells me you're an actress. It's going well?" Cordelia sits down: "Oh... Yeah, it's great! I've had a lot of opportunities. The hands in the liquid-gel commercial were almost mine, by one or two girls. And well... - It's not everything - I..." Cut to Angel's convertible driving up to the gate. Angel gets out to talk to the guard throwing the keys to Doyle. Angel: "How're you doing. I think we're lost. We are looking for a Roscomere. What are you watching? Is that the game? (leans into the guard booth) The Vikings on?" Drops the guard with a hard right, then pulls the cable form the security camera pointing at the gate. Takes off his light jacket and shirt and throws them in the car. He's dressed all in black now. Gets out his bag of weapons. Angel: "Tie him up. I'm out in ten minutes or I'm not coming out." Cut to Cordelia. Cordelia: "I've tried really hard, you know. Usually when I set out to achieve something I succeed at it, right away. - but I... I don't know anybody, and I don't really have any friends here." Russell: "Now you know me. You don't have to worry anymore." Cordelia looks down then back up at him: "What do you want me to do?" Russell steps closer: "Just tell me what you want." Cordelia: "Oh, god. I'm sorry! I'm getting all weepy in front of you. I probably look really scary. (gets up and looks around the room) I finally get invited to a nice place - with no mirrors, - and lots of curtains... hey, you're a vampire!" Russell: "What? No, I'm not." Cordelia: "Are too!" Russell: "I don't know what you're talking about." Cordelia: "Hey, I'm from Sunnydale. We had our own Hellmouth! I think I know a vampire when I'm - alone with him... - in his fortress-like home. And you know, I think I'm just feeling a little light headed from hunger. I'm just wacky. And kidding! Ha, ha." Cut to Angel setting an explosive charge with a 30 second timer on the fuse box. Russell: "Truth is, I'm glad you know. It means we can skip the formalities." Russell vamps out and Cordelia turns to run. Cut to Angel throwing a grappling hook up to the balcony. Cut to him jumping over the balcony railing. Cut to Doyle sitting in the car, checking his watch. Cut to Cordelia running up the white marble stairs. Russell grabs her with a growl. Cut to the fuse box blowing. Cut to Russell looking up as the lights suddenly go out. He lets go of Cordy. Angel: "Russell Winters." Cordelia: "Angel?" Angel slowly steps out of the dark at the end of the open landing: "I have a message for you - from Tina." Russell: "You made a very big mistake coming here." Cordelia: "You don't know who he is, do you? Oh, boy! You are about to get your ass kicked!" Angel pulls out a stake and attacks Russell. They are pretty evenly matched. After some back and forth Russell manages to throw Angel down. Cordelia: "Angel?" Angel looks up and sees to bodyguards with drawn guns charging up the stairs. He waits until they are all on the runner he is laying on the pulls it out form under all three of his opponents as he gets up. Russell: "Kill them!" Angel takes a shot in the chest then turns to pick up Cordelia. While more bullets hit him in the back he jumps over the banister to the floor below. Cordelia: "Angel! Ah!" They run out the front door. Cut to Doyle jumping in his seat as he hears the gunshots. Doyle: "That's it. I'm gone!" Backs out of the driveway and speeds down the road. Doyle hits the steering wheel: "Come on. Damn it!" Turns the car around and charges the gate, screaming and hitting the steering wheel. The car hits - and stops, the gate still closed. Doyle: "It's - a good gate." Cut to Angel and Cordelia coming up to the car. Angel is hunched over; the front of the car is dented and steaming. Doyle: "You know, I've had a bit of an accident, but we'll talk later..." Cordelia gets into the passenger seat while Angel falls into the back seat. Cut to Angel's apartment. Doyle is digging the bullet out of Angel's chest. Doyle: "Got it!" Cordelia: "Finally! I thought I was going to faint while barfing! Okay. (she dabs at the wound with a piece of gauze and Angel flinches) Sorry. So, it's over, right? We're going to be okay. You put the fear of god into that Russell guy. (tapes a piece of gauze over the bullets hole) He's not going to come looking for me, right?" They all just look at each other. Cut to Russell Winters big corporate building. Cut to his office. He is sitting at the head of the table with about ten other guys in suits sitting around it. Lawyer: "The Eltron mutual trust binder is ready for your signature. As to the intruder that broke into your home last night, local authorities have no information on him. However we have several top private investigators...(the doors burst open and Angel walks in) that are looking into his where-abouts." Russell: "I believe we've located him." Lawyer stand up and bars Angel's way: "I'm with Wolfram&Hart. (hands him a business card) Mr. Winters has never been accused and shall never be convicted of any crime - ever. Should you continue to harass our client, we will be forced to bring you into the light of day. (Angel walks past him looking at Winters) I place, I'm told, that isn't all that healthy for you." Russell: "Angel. - We do things a certain way here in LA." Angel: "Well, I'm new here." Russell: "But you're a civilized man. We don't have to go around attacking each other. Look at me: I pay my taxes. I keep my name out of the paper, and I don't make waves. And in return I can so anything I want!" Angel puts one foot on the chair between Russell's legs and leans forward: "Really. Hmm. Can you fly?" Pushes the chair backwards into the wall of windows behind Russell. Russell crashes through the window. He falls down screaming, catches fire and turns to dust. Angel hears the scream cut off: "Hmm. I guess not." Walks out sticking the lawyer's business card into the front pocket of his jacket. Cut to the empty chair and glass hitting the side walk. Lawyer pulls out his cell phone: "Set up an interoffice meeting for 4:00. Seems we have a new player in town. - No, no, there is any need to disturb the senior partners with this. Not yet." Cut to Angel sitting in his apartment staring at the phone. He picks it up and dials a number. Buffy's voice on the phone: "Hello? Hello?" Angel hangs up the phone. Doyle walks in: "What happened to Russell?" Angel: "He went into the light." Doyle: "And yet you don't seem to be in a celebrating mood." Angel: "I killed a vampire. I didn't help anybody." Doyle: "Are you sure about that? Because there is a girl upstairs that's as happy as can be." There is a scream. Both men jump up and rush upstairs. They burst into the office upstairs, Angel carefully avoiding the sun streaming in through the windows. Cordelia with a duster in her hand: "Ah! Look over there! A cockroach! In the corner. I think it's a bantam weight!" Cordelia to Angel: "Okay, first thing. We need to call an exterminator - and a sign painter. We should have a name on the door!" Angel: "Okay. I'm confused." Cordelia: "Doyle filled me in on your little mission. So I was just saying, if we're going to help people, maybe a small charge. You know, something to help pay the rent, and my salary. You need somebody to organize things, and you're not exactly rolling in it Mr. I-was-alive-for-200-years-and-never-developed-an-investment-portfolio." Angel: "You want to charge people?" Cordelia: "Well, not everybody. But sooner or later we are going to have to help some rich people, right? Right?" Doyle: "Possibly, yeah." Cordelia (to Angel): "Hand me that box. So I think that we should charge based on a case-by-case analysis, but with me working for a flat fee. - I mean, um...that is, - if you think that you can use me?" After a moment angel hands her the box with a smile. Cordelia: "Of course this is just temporary - until my inevitable stardom takes affect." She takes the box from him and walks away with a smile. Doyle: "You've made a good choice. She'll provide a connection to the world. She's got a very - humanizing influence." Angel with a half smile: "You think she's a Hottie." Doyle: "Yeah, she's a stiffener alright, I can't lie about that. But, you know, she could use a hand." Angel: "True." Doyle: "You know there's a lot of people in this city that need helping." Angel: "Hmm. So I noticed." Doyle: "You game?" Cut to nighttime LA superimposed over their faces. Cut to Angel looking out over the city. Angel: "I'm game." BLACK OUT.

Plan: A: Doyle; Q: What is the name of the half-demon who befriends Angel? A: whose visions; Q: Doyle has what? A: Tina; Q: Who is the first person Angel saves? A: a powerful vampire; Q: What is Russell? A: former Sunnydale resident; Q: What is Cordelia's background? A: Sunnydale; Q: Where did Cordelia Chase live before moving to Los Angeles? A: Cordelia Chase; Q: Who is Angel's next intended victim? A: the window; Q: What does Angel kick Russell out of? A: sunlight; Q: What kills Russell? A: Wolfram & Hart; Q: What is the name of the law firm? Summary: Newly arrived in Los Angeles, Angel is befriended by a half-demon named Doyle whose visions lead him to a woman, Tina, who is being stalked. Tina is killed by a powerful vampire, Russell. His next intended victim is former Sunnydale resident Cordelia Chase. Angel rescues Cordelia and then he deals with Russell by kicking him out of the window into sunlight, killing him. This is Angel's introduction to law firm Wolfram & Hart.

MUSIC IN: EXT. PARK BENCH - DAY NELSON: How do you eat that crap? HALL: Easy. Like this. (SFX: NELSON LAUGHS) HALL: An anonymous caller was supposed to meet us here three hours ago, Boss. I say we call it. CASSIDY: (V.O./FILTERED) I would love to, but... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - PARKED CASSIDY: (INTO RADIO) ... he claims he has information on a terrorist attack, so here we sit. HALL: (V.O./FILTERED) Guy last Saturday... [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARK BENCH - DAY HALL: .... claimed his dog was a Taliban sympathizer. NELSON: Why are we pulling this crap duty two weekends in a row anyway, Boss? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - PARKED CASSIDY: (INTO RADIO) You know, I'm wondering the same thing, Jim. I-- (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) CASSIDY: (INTO RADIO) Hold on. Hold on. Stand by. This is him. (INTO PHONE) We're here. Where are you? CALLER: (V.O./FILTERED) Close. Meet me at four zero eight Millstone Avenue. I will explain all inside. CASSIDY: (INTO PHONE) I prefer the meeting on the street. CALLER: (V.O./FILTERED) I do not. I'm a dead man if they see me talking to you! CASSIDY: (INTO PHONE) Who? CALLER: (V.O./FILTERED) The people no one can see. They are everywhere. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARK BENCH HALL: Invisible folks. This should be fun. CASSIDY: (V.O./FILTERED) Find them, guys. NELSON: I think we just did. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY CASSIDY: (INTO RADIO) Yeah, I got him. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARK BENCH CASSIDY: (V.O./FILTERED) Sunglasses are a nice touch. HALL: How do you want us to handle this? CASSIDY: (V.O.) Pick him up. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - PARKED CASSIDY: I'll be right behind you. HALL: (V.O./FILTERED) You got it. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/HALL AND NELSON WALK TO STORE FRONT) (SFX: HUGE EXPLOSION B.G.) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BATTING CAGES - DAY GIBBS: The secret is to keep your front shoulder in as long as possible. Both eyes stay level on the pitcher. Weight is back, and you track the ball... and you wait. It's all about concentration. (SFX: GIBBS HITS BALLS) MANN: Anyone ever tell you, you've got a cute butt? (F/X: GIBBS SWINGS AND MISSES THE BALL) (SFX: MANN LAUGHS) MANN: I'm sorry. Did I just ruin your concentration, Jethro? GIBBS: No. It was a lousy pitch. MANN: It happens, but you still haven't answered my question. GIBBS: Do you want me to teach you how to hit, or not? MANN: Well, considering my C.O. just placed me in charge of our softball team, yeah. By all means, teach away. GIBBS: This end here... it goes up. MANN: I think I got that part. GIBBS: All right. Inside of your feet shoulder-width apart. Slightly bend the knees. Hands together, knuckles lined up. MANN: Do you teach everyone this way? GIBBS: Yeah. Fast or slow? MANN: Kind of depends on what mood I'm in. GIBBS: Okay, fast it is. (SFX: BALLS HIT THE FENCE) GIBBS: You've got to swing to hit it. MANN: I knew I was forgetting something. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MANN HITS MANY PITCHED BALLS) MANN: Does this thing go any faster? (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Boss, a bomb just took out two of Cassidy's people. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, I'll be right there. (TO MANN) I've got to go, Hol'. MANN: Hey, what happened to our spending an entire weekend together?! GIBBS: I just lost two NCIS agents. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Do you know them, McGee? MCGEE: Jim Nelson and I went to FLETC together. I was at his wedding two months ago. TONY: This better not be another recall drill. I had floor seats for the Wizards this afternoon. ZIVA: It's Agent Cassidy's team out of the Pentagon, Tony. MCGEE: They were attacked. TONY: Is she okay? MCGEE: She survived. ZIVA: Her men weren't as lucky. TONY: Well, what the hell happened? GIBBS: That's what we're going to find out, Dinozzo. Grab your gear. (SHOUTS) Grab your gear! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. RETAIL STORE - DAY ZIVA: Flags of Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Saudi Arabia. What type of a store was this? GIBBS: McGee's working on it, Ziva. DUCKY: Their deaths were almost immediate, if that's any consolation, Jethro. GIBBS: No, it's not, Ducky. DUCKY: No, it never is. All our agents' wounds appear to have been caused by shrapnel. Specifically, ball bearings and nails. The hallmark of a homemade device. ZIVA: All emanating from this central point of the floor. DUCKY: This man appears to literally have been at the heart of the explosion. TONY: He was sitting on the bomb? GIBBS: He was the bomb, Dinozzo. ZIVA: It's electrical wiring. DUCKY: Explosive amputation of legs, arms, and head. TONY: A suicide bomber. DUCKY: I don't suppose any of you have seen the head? ZIVA: Still looking for it, Ducky. Judging by the holes in the ceiling, I may have to try the roof next. TONY: Why blow yourself up in an empty store? CASSIDY: It wasn't empty, Tony! MCGEE: (BEAT) She insisted on being part of the investigation. I talked to the landlord. He said he'd just rented this place to a non-profit group. He's pulling the paperwork, calling them now. CASSIDY: (CRYING) It's my fault! It's my fault! TONY: It's not your fault, Paula. CASSIDY: (CRYING) You weren't here, Tony! I killed my team! GIBBS: (OVERLAP) Cassidy, outside. Outside. Take it outside. Dinozzo, find me that missing head! (GIBBS AND CASSIDY WALK O.S.) TONY: Well, it's a drop ceiling. So I think it's probably wedged up there somewhere. Ziva, you're going head hunting. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. VAN - DAY CASSIDY: (CRYING) I don't need a lecture right now, Gibbs. I really don't. GIBBS: I'm just bringing you this. CASSIDY: Thanks. GIBBS: Tell me about the phone call to the tip line this morning. CASSIDY: Anonymous. Just a guy saying he had info on a potential terrorist attack. GIBBS: Did he name the target? CASSIDY: No, but it was obvious it's us! Oh, I should have gone in with those guys. GIBBS: Well, yeah. Then you'd be dead, too. It was an ambush. There's nothing you could have done. CASSIDY: Would you feel the same way if it was your own team? GIBBS: Yes, I would. CASSIDY: I have a tough time believing that, Gibbs. GIBBS: Yeah, well the difference, Paula, is I wouldn't stop to grieve until I put the bastards responsible for this in the ground. What about you? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. RETAIL SPACE - DAY DUCKY: You knew him. MCGEE: He was a good friend of mine. I hate seeing him like this. It's almost like... DUCKY: It could have been you. GIBBS: It almost was, McGee. We were supposed to work the hotline this weekend. TONY: Boss, you're serious about that? ABDUL: (SHOUTS) What happened here?! GIBBS: Hang on! Hey! Calm down! Who are you? ABDUL: We work here. JAMAL: For the Muslim Coalition for Peace. ABDUL: Yazeed, was he... was he in here? JAMAL: We were supposed to help him paint this afternoon. ZIVA: (V.O.) I found it! ABDUL: (IN ARABIC) Allah, preserve us. GIBBS: Do you recognize him? JAMAL: Yazeed Fahad, our chapter president. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. OBSERVATION ROOM CASSIDY: Whatever happened to Gibbs' rule about not putting two suspects in the same room? TONY: More of a guideline. ABDUL: (FILTERED) You are not listening to me, Agent Gibbs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ABDUL: Yazeed Fahad was a man of peace! JAMAL: He condemned suicide bombers as cowards, agents of evil. ABDUL: And now you wish us to believe that he was one? ZIVA: He was wearing the bomb. ABDUL: Then he was forced to put it on! GIBBS: By who? JAMAL: Timing was not a coincidence. ABDUL: Yazeed organized a meeting with both Shia and Sunni religious leaders for this Friday. JAMAL: Clerics and holy men from five different Arab countries will be in attendance. ABDUL: All of them prepared to issue Fatwas condemning the sectarian violence in Iraq. JAMAL: Their words could save thousands of lives. ABDUL: How many will attend if they find the man who planned it was a suicide bomber? GIBBS: Where were you this afternoon when your president was blowing himself up? JAMAL: Lunch. Together. ZIVA: Where? ABDUL: We don't have to answer these questions. We're not criminals! GIBBS: Well, I think you should both get a good lawyer. ABDUL: But we did nothing to... JAMAL: JAMAL: Grace Street Diner. We were there between one and two-thirty. (TO ABDUL) They're only doing their jobs, Abdul. (CONT.) When they do, they'll see that Yazeed was innocent. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM CASSIDY: I'm going to go with you. TONY: Gibbs wants you here, Paula. CASSIDY: Why? TONY: Ask him. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY CALLER: (V.O./FILTERED) I cannot give you my name! OPERATOR: (V.O.) Sir, we have standard procedures. CALLER: (V.O./FILTERED) If you want to stop this attack, you will have an agent meet me! (SFX: TAPE REWINDS) ABBY: McGee? Is that you? How long have you been sitting there? MCGEE: Not long. ABBY: I'm really... sorry about Jim Nelson. I know you guys were really close. MCGEE: I wouldn't have graduated from FLETC without his help. ABBY: Then we would have never met. MCGEE: Or maybe he'd still be alive. We were supposed to take the weekend shift. Those bodies downstairs should be us. ABBY: Timothy, don't even think things like that, okay? Everything happens for a reason. (ABBY HUGS MCGEE) GIBBS: I'm not even going to ask. ABBY: Um, technically that was a squatting hug, or a "squg," if you will. But I digress. GIBBS: Yeah, big time. MCGEE: I have some paperwork to do. GIBBS: What have we got? ABBY: I analyzed and compared the two tip-line calls, the one from this morning and the one that Agent Cassidy got on site. Same caller both times, and I'm assuming that it's this guy. Yazeed Fahad. CASSIDY: Can you tell us something that we don't know, Abby? ABBY: Ah okay, how about this. He was in the Navy, and he was honorably discharged in two thousand four. CASSIDY: Our suicide bomber was a sailor? DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) I wouldn't be too quick to rush to judgment on that, (ON CAMERA/FILTERED) Agent Cassidy. Jethro, could you come down here? (V.O./FILTERED) There's something you really must see. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY DUCKY: It appears we have a bit of a mystery. I'm not entirely certain how our guest died. GIBBS: Well, it's kind of obvious, Duck. DUCKY: Yes, if I base the results solely on the damage to his body. Fortunately we have this miraculously preserved head. And the rate of decay of his brain tissue doesn't even come close to the time of the explosion. CASSIDY: I saw that guy walk through the door, Ducky. DUCKY: Well, Agent Cassidy, I don't see how that's possible. Our suicide bomber was dead at least one day before his bomb went off. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - NIGHT (DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: Are you okay? SHEPARD: I just got off the phone with Amy, Special Agent James Nelson's bride of two months. Correction. Widow. Now I have to call Tom and Mary Hall. I don't like making these calls, Jethro. GIBBS: No C.O. does, Jen. SHEPARD: I know, but... GIBBS: What? SHEPARD: This isn't Iraq or Afghanistan. My people are not supposed to be killed by suicide bombers here. GIBBS: No, but they were, Director. And it'll happen again if you stand around here feeling sorry for yourself. SHEPARD: I am not feeling sorry for myself, Jethro. I'm feeling sorry for the agents and their families. But you're right. I have a call to make and you have a terrorist to kill - (BEAT) catch. GIBBS: By the way, Ducky says the bomber was dead at least a day before he blew himself up. You might want to give that some thought. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Swabbed his apartment. Not a trace of explosives. He was a former sailor. President of the Muslim Society for Promoting Peace. Tony checked out his friends. Their alibi holds up. They were at a restaurant when... CASSIDY: (OVERLAP) You going to make a point soon? ZIVA: Yes. Who did you see entering the building yesterday, Cassidy? CASSIDY: I'm not convinced that it wasn't this guy. I mean, how do we know that Ducky didn't make a mistake? ZIVA: Tony? TONY: Because Ducky doesn't make mistakes, Paula. ZIVA: Which means that what you saw yesterday was, by definition, mistaken. CASSIDY: Look, even if he did die the day before, it doesn't mean he wasn't involved. Right... Tony? TONY: She does have a valid point, Ziva. CASSIDY: And we don't even know what his cause of death is. I mean, for all we know he could have committed suicide. ZIVA: A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? I mean, (SHOUTS) that doesn't make any sense! TONY: No, it doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies, an assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who suicided before his suicide bombing. It's kind of like how many chucks would a woodchuck chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. GIBBS: Dinozzo! What the hell is wrong with you? TONY: I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit, Boss. GIBBS: I got a better way. Leave. And take her with you. ZIVA: That works for me. CASSIDY: That works for me, too, David. ZIVA: David. GIBBS: Re-evaluate the crime scene. Do not come back until you figure out how the guy she saw got out before the explosion! Are you getting soft on me, Officer David? ZIVA: Look, I know what she's going through. Sometimes you need to find something or someone to focus your anger on. It's your only relief. GIBBS: Of course, the drawback is, you know, that they tend to hate you for life. ZIVA: If it helps her get through it, I can live with that. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. URBAN STREET - DAY CASSIDY: I don't know how you can work with her! TONY: Well, I worked with you, didn't I? CASSIDY: Funny. What do you think Gibbs would do if I slapped her? TONY: I'm more worried about what she'd do. You know, Mossad assassin and all. CASSIDY: You don't think I could take her? I took you, didn't I? TONY: Ah, technically you did put me down, but I distinctly remember the floor was slippery that day. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RETAIL STORE - DAY TONY: Okay, I'll do the left, you do the right. CASSIDY: Okay. TONY: Are you okay? CASSIDY: It's just so dusty in here. TONY: Paula, you don't have to do this. CASSIDY: We both know that I do. When did you start being so caring? TONY: I have always been caring. I come from a very caring family. The Dinozzos, in fact, are celebrated for their caringness. CASSIDY: Right. TONY: Maybe I wasn't as caring once as I am now. CASSIDY: What brought that on? Or should I say "who?" TONY: Well, you get older, you change. CASSIDY: What's her name? Please tell me it's not Ziva. TONY: It's not Ziva. CASSIDY: Good. TONY: Her name is Jeanne. CASSIDY: Do you love her? TONY: Yeah, I do, Paula. CASSIDY: Wow. You really mean that. What's the problem? TONY: (SIGHS) I can't tell her. CASSIDY: Why can't you tell her, Tony? It's just three simple little words: I love you. TONY: It's not so simple. We were on this climbing wall, and she made a little... bet. First one to the top gets to say "I love you." CASSIDY: You lost on purpose. TONY: No. I won. CASSIDY: And you didn't say it? You know, Tony, it's a cliché, but it is true. Life is too short not to tell someone you love them if you do. (BEAT) And you do. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: The NCIS tip line received two calls on Sunday. If Yazeed didn't make them, one wonders who did. MCGEE: Whoever set up Cassidy's team, Abby. ABBY: Yeah. It's a rhetorical question, McGee. Just... just work with me here. The NCIS phone logs show that both calls came from the same disposable cell phone. GIBBS: Are you going to tell me who, Abby? ABBY: Well, no, but a third call was received by the tip line on Friday, two days before. It's an exact voice match to the calls that came in on Sunday. CALLER: (V.O./FILTERED) I must speak with an NCIS Special Agent. OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) What is this regarding, Sir? CALLER: (V.O./FILTERED) About someone I work with, he is a... OPERATOR(V.O./FILTERED) He's what, Sir? CALLER: (V.O./FILTERED) I can't... I can't talk now. I'll call back. ABBY: This one we can trace. It was logged from a company in Annandale, Virginia. Kertek Computing. They make software for disabled people. MCGEE: That's where Yazeed works. ABBY: Worked, McGee. Before he got himself all blowned up. MCGEE: Boss, if we can get samples of their employees' voices, we can match it to our caller. GIBBS: That's good work, Abby. Not bad yourself, Elf Lord. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OFFICE - DAY SELOM: Yazeed is dead. You are sure of this? ZIVA: Very. SELOM: How did this happen? GIBBS: Cause of death is still being determined. SELOM: So you believe he was murdered? ZIVA: What makes you think that? SELOM: Three Federal agents in my office may have something to do with it. MCGEE: Mister Abu Selom, what did Yazeed do here at your company? SELOM: He was an instructor. He taught several courses on how to best utilize our software. GIBBS: We're going to need to speak to each one of your employees. MCGEE: As well as check out Yazeed's office and any computers he had access to. SELOM: Do you have a warrant? GIBBS: I can get one soon enough. SELOM: Maybe you won't need one if you just tell me why Yazeed is dead, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Did you watch the news lately? ZIVA: Yesterday, right around this time? SELOM: The policemen who were killed by the suicide bomb? MCGEE: They weren't police officers. They were NCIS Special Agents. GIBBS: That's us. ZIVA: Yazeed Fahad - he was the bomber. SELOM: Oh, no! No! (SIGHS) (BEAT) You can talk to whoever you like. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RETAIL SPACE - DAY TONY: Okay, let's try this a different way. How many seconds between our bad guy coming in here and the explosion, Paula? CASSIDY: Maybe ten, twelve seconds. TONY: Not a lot of time for our bad guy to get out of here before this place was turned into the Killing Field. CASSIDY: It blew once my team closed the door. TONY: So where did he go? There's no back door. There's no side rooms. I mean, how does a dirtbag just vanish into thin air? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OFFICE - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) ZIVA: Gibbs is almost done with the interviews. What about you? MCGEE: Just finishing downloading all the folders Yazeed kept on the company servers. Any of them sound like the voice on the tip line? ZIVA: Not to my ears. But Gibbs is recording them. They don't seem very pleased with us. MCGEE: Gibbs tends to have that affect on people. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY (SFX: TAPED VOICES B.G.) ABBY: Sorry, guys. None of these voices match our caller. Are you sure this was every male employee? ZIVA: All but one, Abby. Yazeed Fahad. MCGEE: Who couldn't have made any calls because he was dead at the time. ABBY: We don't have a voice sample of his anyway. ZIVA: Yes, we do. This is one of his training DVDs. (PASSAGE OF TIME) ABBY: All right, are you guys ready to give this a shot? GIBBS: Thirty minutes ago, Abs. MCGEE: We had to compress the DVD audio to match the quality of the original phone calls to make an accurate-- GIBBS: Come on, McGee. Will you just do it? MCGEE: I'm doing it. ABBY: Okay, Yazeed's DVD audio is on the top and the caller's is on the bottom. We have eight key words from each sound track. MCGEE: And if Ducky was right about Yazeed's time of death... ABBY: This has been a whole lot of work for nothing. Okay... VOICE: (FILTERED) And ... meet... people... invisible... listen... close... suspect... back. MCGEE: That's an exact match. Yazeed made the phone calls. ZIVA: But how is that possible? ABBY: I never thought I'd say this, but Ducky was wrong. GIBBS: Yazeed was still alive when Cassidy's team walked into that building. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Evidence cannot tell you two completely contradictory things at the same time, McGee. MCGEE: No, it can't. Except when it does. ZIVA: It doesn't make any sense. SHEPARD: Or perhaps you need a fresh pair of eyes. What do you have so far? ZIVA: Yazeed Fahad, a former American sailor, called our tip line to warn of a pending terrorist attack. Yazeed said to meet here, a building with only one way of getting in and out. MCGEE: Agents Hall and Nelson followed him into the building. ZIVA: Both of them died seconds later when Yazeed activated his suicide vest. SHEPARD: According to Ducky, he had been dead for a day. MCGEE: How can that be? SHEPARD: Well, you can blow up a dead man, McGee. ZIVA: True, but Abby has proof Yazeed was talking to Cassidy seconds before the explosion. SHEPARD: Someone mimicking his voice? MCGEE: Audio forensics say it's an exact match. SHEPARD: And there's no other way out of the building? ZIVA: No. We covered every inch of it. MCGEE: He's like Schrodinger's cat. Alive and dead at the same time. Existing in a superposition. It's quantum physics theory. SHEPARD: When faced with a situation like this, the solution's obvious. GIBBS: Well, one of them is wrong. SHEPARD: I was going to use the term mistaken, but yes. MCGEE: So we have to choose between Abby and Ducky? ZIVA: I'd rather be McGee's cat. SHEPARD: So which one are you leaning toward? GIBBS: Neither. My money's on Dinozzo. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. RETAIL STORE - DAY CASSIDY: I let you down. But I give you my word, I'm going to get this b*st*rd. TONY: Who are you talking to? CASSIDY: No one. Me. TONY: I've got the goodies. Cigar, paper towel, water, and a candy bar. That one's for you. CASSIDY: I'd rather have the cigar. TONY: Well, I need it. If there is a secret passageway in here, I'm finding it. CASSIDY: How are you going to do that? TONY: TONY: Saw it in this old monster movie. This guy was trying to find his girlfriend in an evil scientist's castle. Now don't move too much! Or talk. (CONT.) If there are any gaps in these walls, then the air pressure should suck some smoke through them. CASSIDY: Dinozzo, we've check this wall. It's solid brick. TONY: Did you ever hear of a secret passageway? CASSIDY: Well, this wall shares with the building next to it. How could there be a passageway? TONY: Okay, Paula, a secret door then. CASSIDY: All right, we're running out of daylight. I'm going to be in the car. TONY: Special Agent Cassidy, check this out. (TONY BLOWS SMOKE ONTO THE WALL) CASSIDY: Wow. I'm going to go get a pry bar from the trunk. I can't believe that. TONY: Believe it.(CASSIDY WALKS O.S.) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY ATTEMPTS TO KNOCK OPEN THE DOOR) TONY: All right, Dinozzo. It's time to get serious. You're messing with a Buckeye. You want it? I'll bring it. I'm from Ohio. One, two... ah! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY ATTEMPTS TO KNOCK OPEN THE BRICK DOOR) TONY: Ah... (SFX: WALL SLIDES OPEN) CASSIDY: I thought I'd just check it from this side. This thing is cool! Are you okay? TONY: It's an old college football injury. Wow. (SFX: DOOR SLIDES CLOSED QUICKLY) TONY: That did close kind of fast, didn't it? CASSIDY: Well, it wouldn't be much of a secret door if it stayed open long now, would it? Tony, look. The guy that I saw was wearing mirrored shades this shape. He probably dropped them hauling ass from the explosion. TONY: Congratulations. You did see him. That means you're not crazy. CASSIDY: Not yet at least. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED) DUCKY: Ah, Mister Palmer. Did you manage to-- GIBBS: Did you want to see us, Duck? DUCKY: Did you pass Mister Palmer on your way down here? GIBBS: Nope. DUCKY: I swear, every time I turn my back these days, that young man is running off somewhere. GIBBS: Well, you should try smacking him in the back of the head. It did wonders for Dinozzo and McGee. DUCKY: Well, I did. Mister Palmer seemed to enjoy it. ZIVA: Ha ha. I'll remember that. DUCKY: DUCKY: I apologize for the delay in determining the exact cause of Yazeed's death, but the bomb didn't leave us much to work with. (CONT.) Thankfully his brain survived relatively unscathed. My first clue was the massive accumulation of lactic acid in its cells. This normally occurs when the brain is forced to obtain energy by anaerobic glycolysis. GIBBS: Yeah, naturally, Duck. DUCKY: I had a series of CAT scans done to confirm my suspicions. These dark areas show the most brain damage, all areas associated with rapid and sudden loss of oxygen. ZIVA: He was suffocated. DUCKY: Yes. GIBBS: Do you have enough left to tell me how? DUCKY: Oh, yes. Yazeed was suffocated with a silicone based substance that was forced into his mouth and nose, allowed to harden, and then removed. Whoever did it was probably trying to make a mask of his face. Abby says it's latex. ZIVA: Abby also says you're wrong. DUCKY: So I've heard. Only I'm afraid it's the other way around. This man was dead long before his bomb went off. I'd stake my career on it. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY TONY: You guys miss me today, Abs? ABBY: Why? Where were you? TONY: Never mind. ABBY: Of course, I did, Tony! (SFX: TONY GROANS) ABBY: Sorry! Are you okay? TONY: Cassidy hit me. CASSIDY: If I'd punched him, Abby, he wouldn't be standing. TONY: (GASPS) Oh! ABBY: Never lie to a woman, Anthony DiNozzo. TONY: What do we got, McGeekle? MCGEE: Well, Ducky is still saying that Yazeed was dead when the bomb went off, and Abby is saying he was alive. TONY: What did Gibbs say? GIBBS: Where the hell you been, Dinozzo? TONY: Solving the mystery of the vanishing dirtbag, Boss. GIBBS: Yeah, well it took you long enough. CASSIDY: He found a secret passageway into the store next to it. It was actually quite impressive. TONY: It turns out both places were part of a magic joke shop that closed down about twenty years ago. ZIVA: So I was right. You didn't see Yazeed enter the building. CASSIDY: Thank you for pointing that out... Officer David. ZIVA: David! TONY: But now we know we're looking for another man, and we're hoping... praying... you can pull a print off that. ABBY: If there is a print, if there is a fiber, if there is a drop of dried sweat, I will find it. GIBBS: Not bad. TONY: Uh, Boss? I've got a question for you. That thing you said yesterday. We were really supposed to have the weekend duty Cassidy's team took? GIBBS: Yep. TONY: How did we get out of that? GIBBS: I asked.(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN) TONY: So that really could have been us. GIBBS: It could have been us every single damn day of the week. Sometimes it has been. You want to worry about something, worry about tomorrow. (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BASEMENT - DAY MANN: Going off to war, Gunny? GIBBS: Are you trying to get rid of me? MANN: I haven't decided yet. GIBBS: Well, while you're thinking about it, why don't we pound down some of that chow? MANN: Spoken like a true Marine. I heard what happened. Maybe I can help -- GIBBS: You have chopsticks? MANN: Anything else? GIBBS: Soy sauce. MANN: You're not going to talk about it, are you? GIBBS: Nope. MANN: Got it. (MANN UNPACKS FOOD/LAUGHS) GIBBS: I had a very good time at the batting cage. MANN: Yeah, it was fun. GIBBS: We should do that again sometime. MANN: Yeah, we should. Too bad our schedules are polar opposite. Must be a CID/NCIS thing. GIBBS: Well, somebody's got to keep the wolf away from the door. MANN: That's why I've been thinking. I'm coming up on my twenty year mark next month. GIBBS: Congratulations. MANN: Yeah. GIBBS: You're right in the zone for full-bird Colonel. MANN: I'm thinking about retiring, Jethro. Settling down, you know, making some time for the people in my life. So what do you think? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ABBY: Where's Gibbs? CASSIDY: We found him! MCGEE: Who? CASSIDY: That dirtbag who took my team into that slaughterhouse. ABBY: Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! We got a fingerprint match off the piece of mirrored sunglass lens that Cassidy and Tony found. ZIVA: Salmar Umar. We interviewed him yesterday at Kertek Computing. ABBY: I've got two fulls, a right index, and a forefinger, and I've got a partial on the left thumb. I've also got his home address, and a couple of his uncles that lived in... (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN) ABBY: .... be safe!(SFX: DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) GIBBS: (V.O.) Low and slow... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OFFICE - DAY GIBBS: ... McGee. Take the rear exit. And don't spook him. We take him alive. Find out if he's working with anybody else. I don't get an answer from you, Cassidy, I'll take your weapon from you right now. CASSIDY: (OVERLAP) Alive! Alive! I've got it. I've got it. SELOM: Oh, Special Agent Gibbs. Has there been some development? GIBBS: I need to ask your employees a few more questions. SELOM: You already cost me a full day's work yesterday. (MUSIC UP) GIBBS: Damn it! (SHOUTS) NCIS!! Everybody get down! ZIVA: (SHOUTS) On the floor! Now! (MUSIC OVER GUNFIGHT) (SFX: GUNFIRE B.G.) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. OFFICE - DAY ZIVA: We had no choice, Gibbs. If we had not acted, he would have shot someone. GIBBS: We had a choice. I could have left her back at NCIS. He was carrying this. I want to know why. MCGEE: Yep. GIBBS: It's Arabic. Read it. ZIVA: A covenant from Mecca, sponsored by the Muslim Coalition for Peace. The flyer for the conference on Friday. Do you think he was planning on attending? SELOM: I doubt that, Officer David. Umar was quite vocal about his feeling toward Shiites. He used to argue quite a bit with Yazeed on how they were destroying Iraq. GIBBS: Well, that would have been nice to have known that yesterday. SELOM: People have a right to their own opinions, Agent Gibbs. His were usually ignorant and colored by his own prejudice. Still, I can't believe that he'd... GIBBS: He would kill over them?! VOICE: (ON TAPE) Apple... toast... bicycle... MCGEE: Boss, you should see this. VOICE: (ON TAPE) Big... giraffe... Yankee... white... Holland... MCGEE: This is Umar's. It sounds a lot like Yazeed Fahad's voice. GIBBS: Turn it up. YAHEED: (ON TAPE) Holland... black... display... results... oriented... finger... fish... CASSIDY: (OVERLAP) What the hell kind of program is that, McGee? SELOM: V.S. Twelve. It's still in development. It's a vocal simulation. It allows disabled people who can't talk to converse in a natural-sounding voice. MCGEE: It's like Stephen Hawking. You type and the computer says the words. SELOM: Yes, but ours uses a three-D model of the vocal chords to resonate cavities in the head creating a lifelike sound. Umar was our main programmer. ZIVA: Would explain how Yazeed was making phone calls from the dead, right? SELOM: But I don't see how he could have done it. It would have required a CAT scan of Yazeed's throat and mouth. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: For a terrorist whack job, Umar is an amazing programmer. Amazing enough to fool me! This recreates Yazeed's voice flawlessly. YAZEED'S VOICE: Now you know why you found traces of latex in my throat and mouth, Abby. ABBY: Why, yes. I do, Yazeed. YAZEED'S VOICE: What about you, Tony? And I like your shirt, by the way. It's sexy. TONY: Thanks. It's from the George Peppard collection. I... Abby. YAZEED'S VOICE: Abby. ABBY: Sorry. MCGEE: Umar didn't need a CAT scan for Yazeed. He poured hot latex down his throat and cast a mold. YAZEED'S VOICE: Ewww. MCGEE: All he had to do was laser-scan it into his computer, input the results into the program. ABBY: Mystery solved. TONY: Umar was who you heard type-talking on the phone, Paula. CASSIDY: The guy that I saw was not carrying a laptop and typing. I would have definitely noticed that. GIBBS: Means he wasn't working alone. YAZEED'S VOICE: Hey, Gibbs. Why no Caf-POW? I'll shut up now. GIBBS: Your team was set up, but they weren't the target. ZIVA: Yazeed was. They were trying to stop his Sunni-Shia peace conference. CASSIDY: By turning him into a suicide bomber? TONY: It almost worked, Paula. ZIVA: But luckily for us, Yazeed lost his head... literally. CASSIDY: Well, we don't know that it didn't work. At this point, who's going to show up to this thing? GIBBS: Oh, you'd be surprised, Cassidy. ZIVA: We're not the only ones who refuse to bow down to terrorism. MCGEE: They're going ahead with the conference anyway? ZIVA: Now that we've cleared Yazeed. ABBY: But we only got one of them. What if somebody else tries to stop it? ZIVA: We kill them, Abby. TONY: We catch them. That's the preferred term. CASSIDY: I like hers better. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE SHEPARD: If they're still any holdouts, I will personally call and offer reassurances that Yazeed Fahad was the victim of a terrorist bombing and not the perpetrator.(DOOR CLOSES) JAMAL: I'm sure the reassurance from you will encourage people to attend, Director. WALID: This incident has only strengthened our resolve. GIBBS: And made your peace conference a major target. WALID: All the more reason for us not to back down, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: That's why we're going to help. SHEPARD: I have contacted the F.B.I., and Metro Police, and they've agreed to increase security at your conference. I will also be assigning agents for protection of the senior clerics that will be attending the event. WALID: Bodyguards? GIBBS: Where they go, we go. WALID: Yazeed always spoke highly of his time in your Navy. Now I can see why. JAMAL: We are in your debt. SHEPARD: If your event lessens or ends the insurgency in Iraq, it is us who are in your debt, gentlemen. JAMAL: Thank you for your support, Director. WALID: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Sheik Abu Talid Yusef, the senior Sunni Cleric in attendance. He's yours for the day, Tony. Sheik Ali Bashir, the senior Shia cleric is Cassidy's. And...the most senior cleric at the conference is Imam Abdul Al-Maliki... GIBBS: He's mine. Ziva floats between all three, depending on the situation. ZIVA: The quickest way to stop the conference is to target one of these men. GIBBS: Well, we're not going to let that happen. MCGEE: Boss, what about me? GIBBS: Yeah, right. I almost forgot. Names of everyone attending. Run them down. Look for any links to terrorist groups. MCGEE: Um... there looks to be over three hundred names here and the conference starts in less than six hours. GIBBS: Yeah, well? Why are you still standing there, McGee? MCGEE: Right. ZIVA: We pick them up at their hotels one hour before? GIBBS: No. A little change in plans. We pick them up now for a field trip. They want to hold a ceremony for Yazeed and Cassidy's team. CASSIDY: What kind of ceremony? GIBBS: Memorial. TONY: Where? GIBBS: Where they died. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. STREET - DAY (SFX: CAR DRIVES PAST) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RETAIL SPACE - DAY CASSIDY: Well, I've never been much for praying. But after this I'm... TONY: Hall and Nelson were good men. CASSIDY: They were the best. (SIGHS) I could have saved them. TONY: Paula, that's not true. CASSIDY: I could have turned down the weekend duty, Tony. There's just no way we should have had it two weeks in a row. TONY: It was supposed to be us. CASSIDY: Us what? TONY: It was our team that was supposed to take it. CASSIDY: (SIGHS) Oh. I mean, it doesn't matter. Nothing does. I was supposed to be in here. I know it. But... here I am. (SFX: WALL SLIDES OPEN) ZIVA: Ha! Very clever. This side is clear! (SFX: WALLS SLIDES SHUT) CASSIDY: I didn't think anything could make you jump, Officer David. ZIVA: That was merely a reflex. CASSIDY: In America, we call that jumping. ZIVA: In Mossad, we call that the difference between life and death. CASSIDY: I'm just ... I'm going to let Gibbs know that we're clear over there. (CASSIDY WALKS O.S.) ZIVA: Is something wrong? TONY: That was supposed to be us. ZIVA: But it wasn't. TONY: No, not this time. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY MCGEE: Abs, you wanted to see me? ABBY: I really need your help with this, McGee. MCGEE: Gibbs has me running down the names of over three hundred people attending a conference in-- ABBY: Now, McGee! Okay, we know that whoever was helping Umar was using that computer to recreate Yazeed's voice. MCGEE: I know. I'm the one who found the program. ABBY: So his fingerprints could be on this keyboard. But the problem is, so are everybody else's. Whoever typed on this thing... and they're all... they're all mashed on top of each other. Look! MCGEE: So you're hand tracing them? ABBY: I'm isolating the "J" and the "F" key because that's where you would park your fingers when you're waiting to type. MCGEE: Okay, what do you need me to do? ABBY: I just... I need you to look at this. I need you to check my work because I'm getting dizzy from starring at it for so long. MCGEE: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RETAIL SPACE - DAY TONY: Just how long is this supposed to take, Boss? GIBBS: Longer than if you helped them set up, Dinozzo. When this thing starts, I want you out front, Ziva. CASSIDY: What about me? GIBBS: I didn't bring you here for security. CASSIDY: Look, I know I screwed up at Kertek Computers. GIBBS: Then say a prayer for your team, Cassidy. We'll take the heavy lifting on this one. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY MCGEE: Purple one's definitely Umar. The other two are less defined. Probably going to take a while for... (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES) ABBY: You were saying, McGee? MCGEE: How did you get three potential matches so fast? ABBY: Because these fingerprints were taken from the first crime scene. Looks like it was someone who was helping Yazeed paint the place. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. RETAIL SPACE - DAY WALID: This was Yazeed's dream, to show the world that these terrorist groups do not speak for us. We thank you for making it a reality. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) TONY: Well, at least something good is going to come from all of this. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Boss, either Abdul or Jamal is a match. GIBBS: Hands on top of your head! TONY: Boss? GIBBS: It's one of them, Dinozzo. The prints found on Umar's laptop match the painting gear. WALID: What laptop? GIBBS: Where's Jamal Malik? WALID: He was here a minute ago! GIBBS: (INTO RADIO) Ziva! It's Malik! Find him!(SFX: DOOR SLIDES OPEN) TONY: Behind you! (MUSIC OVER SLOW MOTION ACTION) (CASSIDY RUSHES TOWARD MALIK) TONY: (SHOUTS) Paula!! JAMAL: (SHOUTS IN ARABIC) Allahu Akkbar! (SFX: HUGE BOMB BLAST SHATTERS THE ROOM) (SFX: TONY HITS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT (SFX: MUSIC B.G.) (KNOCK ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) TONY: I love you, Jeanne. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY HUGS/KISSES JEANNE) (MUSIC UP AND OUT)

Plan: A: Paula Cassidy; Q: Who led the NCIS team? A: terrorist activity; Q: What did the NCIS team discover a tip about? A: two agents; Q: How many agents died in the trap? A: the deaths; Q: What is the subject of the investigation? A: Ducky; Q: What is the name of the suicide bomber? A: the man; Q: Who was the suicide bomber? A: the suicide bomber; Q: Who was dead before the bomb went off? Summary: An NCIS team, led by Paula Cassidy, discovers a tip about terrorist activity but it turns out to be a trap, resulting in the death of two agents and Cassidy, grief-stricken, begins blaming herself for what happened. Gibbs and his team are sent to investigate the deaths with Cassidy joining them during the investigation. But the team are shocked when Ducky reveals that the man who was the suicide bomber that killed Cassidy's team was dead at least a day before his bomb went off.

[Scene: Outside Dawson's House. Joey and Dawson are walking up to the porch talking about the upcoming finals.] Joey: Oh, I hate finals. What kind of a sadist bases 1/3 of a semester's grade on whether or not you can recite the opening to the Canterbury tales in perfect middle English? Dawson: Joey, we've been over this a thousand times. Your pronunciation is flawless. Joey: Maybe so, but I'm still gonna continue torturing myself until test time. I just have to. Dawson: Of course you will. I'm well aware of the potter neuroses. Joey: I prefer to think of them as quirks. Dawson: Do you? Joey: Yeah. Dawson: Well, whatever works for you. Joey: I could get into the leery neuroses. Dawson: Uh, we don't have to do that. Besides, I'm, uh, nervous enough on my own right now. Joey: Why? Dawson: Uh, well, there's A... There's an event looming on the horizon, and, uh... I seem to recall a certain pact made by 2 high-school freshmen regarding said event. Joey: Junior prom. We both agreed if we didn't have dates, we'd go together. Dawson: So you do remember. Joey: Are you asking me to prom? Dawson: I don't want to go with some random person and have it mean nothing. You know, I want to go with my oldest friend. That'll be something I'll always remember. Joey: Or we can both agree that it's a meaningless event and not go at all. Dawson: But it does mean something. There are a million reasons why proms are ridiculous and stupid, but we made that pact because it obviously mattered to us. It's a rite of passage. And I can't think of any better way to move forward than to fulfill a pact made by 2 old friends and just have a good time. Joey: Ok. Ok. But I have 2 rules-- no cheesy corsage for me and no blue ruffley- tuxedoey-shirt-thingy for you. Dawson: Done. [The door opens and Mitch and Gale are in it kissing.] Mitch: That's one for right now. Gale: I have to get to the restaurant. Mitch: You do not. Gale: I have to go, honey. Honey. Dawson: Ahem. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene picks up where it left off] Joey: You know, I'm not wearing a watch, but I'm probably at least late for something I should probably be at, so...I'll see you guys later. Dawson: See ya. Gale: Uh, sweetheart, we should probably talk about what you just saw. Mitch: You know what? I'll talk to Dawson. You should probably go ahead and get to the restaurant. Gale: Ok. [Kiss] Dawson: This should be good. Mitch: You ok? Dawson: [Snorts] you know what? Yeah, I am. Mitch: About what you just saw— Dawson: What I just saw, dad, was something I've seen about 5 million times over the course of my life. Mitch: But under the circumstances, don't you think we should talk about it? Dawson: [Laughs] dad, at this point, I'm numb. Mitch: You're numb? Dawson: Yeah. I mean, you and mom have always had a relationship that's been a little dramatic. All the while, I've been in the middle through all the backs-and-forths and ups and downs, and a little while ago I realized I don't need to do that. I can just sit back detached and watch from afar. Mitch: You can do that. But I think you should know that what's going on between your mother and me is a lot more than casual. Dawson: Are you saying that you and mom are getting back together? Mitch: No. We haven't discussed that. Dawson: In that case, I would prefer you left me out of it entirely. I'm enjoying the numbness. You haven't talked to mom, you don't know even what she's feeling. Mitch: I was married to your mother for 20 years. There's some things I know without having to ask. [Scene: Inside Doug's Apartment. Pacey and Andie are there studying for the upcoming finals.] Pacey: How's the studying going? Andie: Fine. Pacey: You want anything? Can I get you water? Lemonade? Andie: No. I'm good. Pacey: Ok. Um... Andie: Do you... Want me to go? Pacey: Why would I want you to go? Andie: I don't know. I just get the feeling that... I don't know. That you want me to go. Pacey: Uh-uh. I don't want you to go. Andie: Ok. Pacey: Look, I just-- sometimes I... I just feel kind of... Andie: Thirsty? Tired? Mad? Sad? Pacey: Yeah. Andie: Sad? Pacey: Yeah. Uh, it's... Something like that. Andie: Yeah. Maybe it's time that you come out of this cave, just get back out there. Pacey: Back out where? Andie: Out there. You know, go to the prom. Pacey: With who, Andie? Andie: I don't know. Anybody. A girl. You could go with me, if you wanted to. Pacey: You don't have a date to the prom? Andie: I am currently sifting through offers. I have just yet to make my final decision. Pacey: Do you want me to ask you to the prom? Andie: [Laughs] I just want to see you happy again. Pacey: I don't think that the prom is going to act as some magical happiness elixir for me. And you're probably better off taking one of those guys up on their offer. Andie: I'm sure I will. [Scene: Inside Joey's Living room. Bessie is sitting on the couch as Joey is telling her about earlier.] Joey: Dawson asked me to prom, and I said yes. And now I feel like I made a huge horrible mistake. I mean, he reassured me that it will only serve to re-cement our admittedly shaky friendship, but...I don't know. Bessie: What about the undeniable romantic implications? Not to mention Pacey. Joey: What about Pacey? Bessie: What did you think accepting Dawson's prom invitation would do if not put you right in the middle of his tug of war with Pacey? Joey: [Sighs] well, I--I know. I'm just--I'm trying. I'm trying so hard just to get things back to the way they were. Bessie: Come on, jo. You're not that naive. Joey: I have to be. I'm backed up into a corner. I don't have any choice. Bessie: You always have a choice. Joey: Well... No appealing choice. Bessie: So you're looking to me to provide the magical key to this problem? Joey: Yeah. [Sighs] I gotta say, you've been a little thin in the advice department lately. Bessie: Give me a problem that actually has a solution, and I'll solve it. Joey: You're right. I mean, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt. Including me. [Scene: Inside the School Cafeteria. Andie and Jack are sitting at a table talking while watching people get their tickets for the prom.] Andie: I hate the stupid prom. Stupid prom can kiss my ass. Jack: What's wrong with you? Andie: I thought that Pacey was gonna ask me to the prom, but no, instead I must humiliate myself and go alone. Jack: Better you than going with an ex-boyfriend that you're not over yet. Andie: I am so over him. I am! That's why I want to go with him is because it'll be safe. Jack: Mm-hmm. Andie: So what about you? Did you get your tickets yet? Jack: No. Working on it. See, the theme this year--couples. They're going to have every couple's names on the balloons, the little place cards, on those cheesy prom souvenirs. Andie: So? Jack: So when you go to buy your tickets, you gotta say who you're bringing, which means I have to march over there and tell the whole world I'm bringing a guy. Andie: Don't you think when you show up with Ethan, they're gonna figure out that he's your date? Jack: He's not my "date" date. We're going as friends. He calls it the next step towards self-acceptance and actualization, whatever the hell that means. Andie: I don't see what you're so worried about. It's not like you to care what other people think. Jack: You see who's selling the tickets? Andie: Barbara Johns? [Scene: Outside the school at a picnic table. Jen and Henry are getting up from eating and are walking back to class while talking.] Jen: So, you know what they're having this weekend is the junior prom. Henry: Really? Jen: Yeah. God, is there a more ridiculous and embarrassing ritual than the prom? The way that it totally reinforces traditional gender roles, rewards the cool kids, punishes the geeks, I mean, the pressure this one single night exerts on the common teenager... To make hollow, awkward romantic gestures like pinning a cheap corsage on taffeta, having drunken s*x with some guy whose name you won't remember, and then puking in the back of some cheesy-ass rented limo, I mean, it's just so overwhelming. Henry: You've never been to a prom before, have you? Jen: Well, no. But I know enough about them to know it's a sad— Henry: so, in other words, you're asking me to go. Jen: [Sighs] yeah. Henry: I'd love to. [Scene: Inside the School Cafeteria. Jack is trying to get his tickets.] Barbara: Ok. Date. Jack: And, um, Ethan Brody. Barbara: Excuse me? Jack: Ethan Brody. E-T-H-A-N. Barbara: No, no, no. A boy cannot go to the prom with a boy. The definition of a prom date is a boy and a girl. Jack: Well, I don't think that's any of your business. Barbara: To be honest, I don't understand why you feel the need to cause a spectacle and ruin the prom for the rest of us, but if you feel you have to do so, I can't sell you a ticket till I talk to Mrs. Meyer, head of the prom committee. Jack: You're not gonna sell me a ticket? Barbara: What exactly is it the two of you will do, anyway? Take a nice prom photo for grandma's photo album? Dance stubbled cheek to stubbled cheek? Share a romantic kiss under the moonlight? You don't think that's gonna weird out even the ones who are sympathetic to people like you? Jack: You can't do this. Barbara: Like I said, jack, I'll check with Mrs. Meyer, and you can come back and try again. Next! [Jack turns to leaves and runs in to Dawson.] Dawson: What's up, jack? You ok? Jack: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I--I gotta go. [Jack Leaves] Barbara: The theme of this year's prom is "couples." Please state your name as well as the name of your date. Dawson: Barbara, you're in my gym class. You know my name. Barbara: Please state your name as well as the name of your date. Dawson: Dawson leery and Joey potter. Barbara: Oh? Happy couple back together? Dawson: Something like that, yeah. [He turns to see that Pacey overheard this.] [Scene: Outside the school on the steps. Jack, Andie, Dawson and Joey are sitting there talking.] Joey: They can't do this. We won't let them. Andie: Yeah. We'll--we'll lodge a formal complaint. Not only will you get your tickets for free, but we will get Barbara Johns to apologize in front of the whole school on her hands and knees. Jack: Guys... Andie: We could go to Mrs. Meyer and tell her what Barbara did. She has to sell the tickets. It's discrimination. Jack: Guys! Andie: What? Jack: I appreciate the support, I do, but it's ok. I'm just not gonna go to the prom. Andie: What? You have to go! At this point, it's political. Jack: That's just it. It's a prom. It's supposed to be fun. Why does my entire life have to be a fight? Why is something that's normal for someone else have to be so political for me? Andie: 'Cause that's just the way it is, and until things change, you have to fight. And we'll be there with you. All the way. Jack: Just wanted to go to the prom. That's all. Andie: Well, if you're not going, I'm not going. Joey: Me, neither. Andie: Good! Then we'll boycott, and we'll organize. Dawson: I've got a better idea. Jack, you're right. Let's hold our own prom. Right? An alternative prom. Think about it. Why are we paying 80 bucks a pop to sit where they tell us to sit, eat rubbery chicken, and listen to a special selection of Barbara Johns' favorite tunes when we can hold the anti-prom? Where it's not about who you bring, but who you are. Andie: I like it. Yeah, I think it's a great idea, Dawson. Joey: Yeah. Jack: What would an alternative prom be without a couple of gay guys? [Scene: Inside the Leery Fish House Kitchen. Dawson is talking to Gale and Mitch about the Anti-Prom.] Dawson: Should you guys choose to take me up on this proposal, I worked it out and the revenue from ticket sales will offset the cost. I'm telling you, we can totally make this work. Mitch: You've obviously given this a lot of thought. I only have one question--why? Dawson: I don't know. Big things are happening all around. I'm just trying to facilitate my own big thing. If the answer is yes. Gale: Should we say yes now or continue to torture him? Dawson: Mom, thank you. You guys will not regret this, I promise. Gale: But you do realize this is my restaurant, so I will be here. Mitch: And every prom needs a chaperone. Dawson: Ok. Great. [Laughs] I'm gonna go hang some flyers. [Dawson Leaves] Gale: Well, he seems to have gotten through yesterday's events unscathed. Mitch: He says he's numb at this point. Gale: Is that a good thing? Mitch: I don't know. But he did seem, surprisingly enough, totally ok. Gale: Well, that's a relief. Mitch: Kind of got me to thinking, though. [Gale samples something from one of the pots.] Gale: Mmm! Who put cayenne pepper in this marinara sauce? Mitch: Gale? Gale: Yeah? Mitch: I thought maybe we should discuss what we're doing here? Gale: What we're doing where? Mitch: This thing you and I are doing. I thought maybe we should discuss what it means. Gale: Can't we just enjoy it and see where it leads? Why do we always have to analyze everything? Hello! I asked a question. Who put cayenne pepper in the marinara sauce? Mitch: [Sighs] [Scene: Inside the School Cafeteria. Jack and Andie are selling tickets to the Anti-Prom at a table right next to Barbara's table.] Andie: can you believe this, jack? Jack: I know. This thing could actually turn out to be a success. Andie: In a manner of speaking. Hi. Barbara: Just because the dregs of society go to your prom does not make it a success. Nobody that matters would be caught dead there. I certainly wouldn't go if you paid me. Jack: Good thing, 'cause we don't want your kind. Barbara: And what kind is that, the good Christian kind? Jack: [Laughs] this is not about religion, Barbara. I mean the kind that hates people. The intolerant, judgmental, hypocritical kind. The close-minded, immature, bigoted kind. Andie: With bad fashion sense. Jack: Really bad. Barbara: Look, at least I'm not going to hell. Jack: That's it? That's your whole comeback? Ooh! The threat of eternal damnation is a pretty good comeback. Well, that threat is not yours to make. You just don't get it, do you? You're totally missing the point. Barbara: Huh. Jack: Next! [Scene: Inside Jen's Bedroom. Grams is fitting a tux for Henry while Jen sits on the bed watching.] Grams: And to think I was going to give this to the goodwill. Jen: You're gonna look great, Henry. Henry: I feel like a busboy. Grams: It's the burden of men, dear. While out on the town, you must stand in the background and let your woman shine. Jen: Oh, I think that Henry shines just fine on his own, grams. Grams: He certainly does. [Teapot whistles] Grams: ooh, there's my tea. I'll be right back. [Grams leaves] Jen: Ok. I...I think it's time that you and I had the talk. Henry: The talk? Jen: Yeah. The prom s*x talk. Henry: The prom s*x talk? Jen: Come on, Henry. Like it wasn't going to come up sooner or later. Henry: Not necessarily. Jen: Oh, ok. Tell me that you weren't thinking that you, me, and the prom didn't mean the distinct possibility of drunken, backseat, rented limo nooky? Henry: I--I didn't rent a limo. Jen: Ok, that's not the point. The prom puts a lot of pressure on kids to do it just for the sake of it. Then you end up doing it 15 minutes before curfew, and it's completely unromantic and way too fast, and it--it just generally sucks. And you can never take that back or change it, so... So I thought that maybe we could make the decision right now not to do it. Henry: Oh, um, I'm in no race. You know that. Jen: Ok. Henry: But we... We are gonna do it eventually, right? Jen: [Laughs] come here. [Scene: Inside Andie's Bedroom. Andie walks in with Pacey following shortly behind her.] Andie: To what do I owe the honor of this visit? Pacey: I'm just bored, I guess. Andie: [Laughs] you always knew how to flatter a girl. Pacey: I try. So, um, guess you're probably going to that whole alternative prom thing. Andie: Mm-hmm. Oh, ho! You are not gonna believe what I did today. I threw my ticket back in Barbara Johns' face. Know what that witch said to me when I bought it? "Oh, that is so brave, Andie. A girl going to the prom alone." Ooh! Pacey: Why would you go to the prom alone? I thought you were sifting through offers. Andie: Yeah. Well, uh... Turns out that I didn't have any. Pacey: So why didn't you just tell me that? Andie: Because I didn't want a pity ask, ok? And it doesn't matter anyway, because all of my friends are gonna be there, and at this point, I'm just going to support the whole stupid alternative prom thing. Pacey: You should have been able to tell me. And it wouldn't be a pity ask, because it can't be pity if it's an honor. Andrea McPhee... Would you go to the prom with me? [Scene: Outside Joey's house. Dawson walks up to the house in a tux, and Bessie is there waiting with a camera, as Joey comes out onto the porch.] Dawson: Hi. Joey: Hey. So... Hey. Dawson: Wow. You look... Joey: It's just a dress, Dawson. Bessie: Ok, picture time! [Giggles] [Bessie takes some pictures of Joey and Dawson as a couple.] Joey: we should probably go. We don't want to be late. Bessie: Always hated having your picture taken. Well, so, Dawson, where's the corsage? Dawson: We made a deal-- no corsages-- but I had to bring something. So I thought I'd bring these. Joey: Diamond earrings? Bessie: Wow. Joey: Dawson, I can't take these. Dawson: Relax, they're my mom's. They're on loan, like at the academy awards. I thought they would look amazing on you. Joey: I--i can't wear them. What if something happens? Dawson: If something happens to what, your earlobes? Stop it. Put 'em on. Joey: They are beautiful. Bessie: So put them on, and I'll get one more picture. Ohh. Joey: Thank you. Bessie: 1...2...3! [Scene: Outside the Leery Fish House. Mitch and Gale are welcoming the prom attendees.] Gale: Hi. Hi. Mitch: Welcome. Gale: [Sighs] oh, boy. Interesting crowd. Mitch: Lock the cash register. Gale: I'm on it. [Scene: Inside the Fish House. Ethan and Jack are sitting at a table alone. Jack seems kind of nervous.] Ethan: Hey, can you believe we wore the same thing? [Laughs] yeah, well, I thought it was pretty funny. [Sighs] jack, I'm not expecting you to dance with me, if that's what you're worried about. Jack: No. No, I'm not worried about anything. Nah. Ethan: Ok. [Henry and Jen come up to them.] Jen: Hi, there. Jack: Hey. Ethan: Hey. [Dawson and Joey join the table as well.] Dawson: Hey, jack, Ethan. Jen: Hey, you guys. Joey, I love those earrings. Joey: Thank you. Andie: Hey, guys! Dawson: Shall we dance? [Joey and Dawson get up and Andie and Pacey take their seats.] Jen: Come on, sit down. Andie: Great. [Laughs] wow, Jen, your dress is fabulous. Jen: Thank you so much. You look awesome. Andie: Thank you. [Laughs] thanks. Hey, Ethan. Ethan: Hi, Andie. Andie: Henry. Henry: Hey. [Scene: On the dance floor. Joey and Dawson are dancing together. Joey looks over Dawson's shoulder to see Pacey sitting there. Jen and Henry are dancing together and talking.] Jen: So, here we are. Henry: Yep. Jen: At the prom. Henry: Yep. Jen: So, what are you thinking? Henry: I wasn't thinking about s*x, ok? Jen: Henry, chill. You're allowed to think about s*x. Henry: Well, I--I wasn't. Jen: No, I'm sure. I'm just saying if you were, it's fine. You can think about s*x, I can think about s*x, it's just that tonight that it's not a factor. Right? [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to the Jack and Ethan standing watching the dancing going on.] Ethan: I'm glad, you know. Jack: About what? Ethan: That you had the courage to bring me, jack. I know it's not easy. Even for me. When brad and I first told people what was happening— Jack: can we maybe put a pin in the "when I was a young gay boy" stories for tonight? It's not providing me with a lot of solace right now. Ethan: What I was gonna say, jack, is that brad and I never did anything together. In fact, for all my bravado, I've never asked a guy to anything like this. Jack: Wha... You mean all that crap about actualization, you've never actualized? Ethan: I guess I thought it was a hurdle we could jump over together. Jack: At my high-school prom where you know no one, and I know everyone? Tell me, how "together" is that, Ethan? Ethan: So you win in the courage department. Jack: No, I don't, because I was tricked into it. Courage would have been telling you that I'm not ready for this, that however healthy this might be for my sexual identity, I really don't want to be here right now. Ethan: Well, I'm sorry. Jack: So am I. Ethan: Where are you going? Jack: I'm going to get a soda. I was wondering, wise gay sage that you are, coke, diet Pepsi-- what's better for my self-actualization? [Jack Leaves] [Scene: Jen and Henry are in a line waiting to get something, and talking] Jen: You know, there are other things that we can talk about. Besides s*x. Henry: Of course. Jen: We--we could talk about... Summer. We could talk about what we're gonna do this summer. I thought we could take a couple of day trips up to Nantucket, go see some concerts up in Boston. Henry: Sure. When I get back from football camp. Jen: What-ball camp? Henry: Football camp. In Cleveland. 8 weeks. I leave at the end of june. Jen: You're leaving me for the whole summer to go to football camp, and you tell me this now? Henry: Well...What's wrong with now? Jen: You don't devastate your girlfriend with the news of an impending 2-month separation in the middle of prom. That ruins the night. Henry: I've ruined the night? Jen: And as for later goes, whatever slim possibility may have existed that you and I might actually have s*x, you can just forget about that now. Henry: We already established we weren't having s*x tonight. Jen: Come on, Henry. That's just what you say to alleviate the pressure and make it seem spontaneous. Of course, there was a chance. It's our prom! Henry: Wh-wh-- damn. [Cut to Dawson and Joey Dancing, when Joey pulls a little back from Dawson to see his face.] Joey: Could I ask a brazen but obvious question? Dawson: Yeah, of course. Joey: Why did you bring me here tonight, Dawson? Dawson: What? Joey: Was it just so you could throw jabs at Pacey? Dawson: What are you talking about? I had no idea Pacey would be here. Joey: You don't think I get the subtext of every one of those looks you keep throwing his way? I mean, Dawson, you might as well get on the P.A. And scream, "she's mine, Pacey. Ha. I win." Dawson: Actually, that's not what I'm thinking. Joey: Then what are you thinking? Dawson: I'm thinking, what right did he have to show up to my mother's restaurant at a prom that I organized. What exactly is he trying to accomplish? Joey: Now, given the circumstances under which this night originated, what right do you have to exclude anyone? Dawson: I'm not excluding him, jo. I haven't said a word to him. Joey: Fine, but that hasn't stopped you from parading me around all night like I'm some sort of a prize. Dawson: Parading you? I'm not parading you around, Joey. You're my date, and I'm dancing with you. It's not my fault if they keep staring at us. Joey: You're right. None of it's your fault. None of it's anybody's fault. It's just happening. And who cares what it's doing to me? Dawson: Ok. You know, let's just start over, ok? It's just Dawson and Joey at the prom having a good time. Ok? Joey: I need a breather. [Scene: Outside the Fish House. Jack is standing by the water's edge alone when Joey joins him there.] Joey: Care to make a run for it? Jack: Yes, please. Ohh. Joey: So, what are you hiding from? Jack: I am hiding from Barbara Johns. Joey: She's here? Jack: No. Yeah, in a way, she is. Oh, man. She was right, Joey. You know, I don't belong here. I'm not gonna dance with Ethan. I'm not gonna have my picture taken with him. And whatever good time I was gonna have tonight, I just ruined it by the way I treated him. Joey: I remember a conversation less than a year ago, under these very stars, and all you could see was the pain and the loneliness that made your life different from everyone else's. Jack: As opposed to now, when all I can see is the pain and loneliness that makes our lives the same? Look. I know how sad it is to hide from something that you really want, Joey. Joey: I just want everything to go back to the way it was, you know? All of us friends again, and--and me not caught in the middle. Jack: Well, if you want things to get back to the way that they were, you have to set the example. Dawson and Pacey, those two just aren't gonna do it themselves right now. Joey: How about we hide out here for a while first? Jack: It sounds good to me. Joey: Thank you. Jack: Thank you. [Scene: Inside the Fish House. Mitch and Gale ate dancing together and talking.] Gale: You know, this might be a tad presumptuous, but I took the liberty of packing a bag. I thought maybe I could stay over. Mitch: I'm not sure that's such a good idea, gale. Gale: Mitchell, what are you talking about? Mitch: I'm not here just for your whim, gale. Gale: [Laughs] excuse me? Mitch: Go ahead and laugh, but you know, we've finally gotten back to this point in our relationship by being honest with each other. I'm not gonna stop that honesty now. Gale: Ok. So if the honest thing is to talk about it, let's talk about it. Mitch: I can't keep playing this game. Is it a slip-up? Is it a relationship? Is it a Saturday-night arrangement? What is it? Gale: What do you want it to be? Mitch: Nah. You know what, gale? I'm sick of being the one always anxious to define our relationship or lack thereof. What I want is for you to define it for once. [Cut to Pacey sitting alone at the table and Joey coming up from behind him.] Joey: I've been meaning to ask you something all night, Pacey. Would you like to dance with me? Pacey: Yes. [Cut to them dancing.] Pacey: How come this feels so right? Joey: I think it was those dance lessons. Pacey: Where did you get those? They're not you. Joey: Why, because I'm just a poor tomboy, or 'cause Dawson gave them to me? Pacey: Neither. You see this? [Points to her bracelet] This is you. It's not showy or gaudy. Just simple. Elegant. Beautiful. Joey: It's my mom's bracelet. Pacey: I know. Joey: How do you know? Pacey: Well, because you told me. 6 months ago. You were wearing that, uh, blue sweater with the snowflakes that you have. We were walking down the hallways at school. I was annoying you as per usual. You said, "look, Pacey. "I just found my mother's bracelet this morning, so why don't you cut me some slack?" Joey: You remember that? Pacey: I remember everything. [They dance closer to each other, but then Joey looks up from his shoulder and sees Dawson. He turns and leaves the building and Joey pulls away from Pacey, and Pacey already knows without asking what just happened.] Joey: Dawson. Dawson, wait. Dawson, wait. Dawson: How could you do that to me? Are you trying to hurt me? Joey: No! I'm trying to set an example. I'm trying to get things back to the way they were. Dawson: You can't go back to the way they were, Joey. Don't you get it? You can't climb through my window, pop in E.T., And have it be the same, ok? You can't dance with him at the prom I organized and expect me not to be hurt. Joey: You said tonight was about you, me, and our friendship. And if that was really the case, it wouldn't matter who I danced with. Dawson: I said tonight was about moving forward, Joey. What did you think that meant? You can't have thought that that's all I wanted. The whole reason I suggested this whole stupid alternative prom wasn't about jack, it was about you, all right? And maybe I tried too hard, but I didn't want to miss my chance to dance with you, to hold you, to make you remember what it was like between us. I thought maybe, you know, if I could make it perfect... Joey: That I would pick you? Say it, Dawson. You thought if you orchestrated this whole evening, that I would be convinced into picking you over Pacey, right? Dawson: You have to pick somebody, Joey. I just wanted to remind you what you'd be missing if you didn't pick me. 'Cause you'd be missing a lot. So would I. We'd be missing everything. [Dawson kisses her] That's how the evening was supposed to end. [Scene: Outside Jen's House. Jen and Henry are returning from the Anti-Prom arguing.] Jen: I think I can take it from here, thanks. Henry: Wow, I think those were the most words you've said to me since I told you about football camp. Jen: Henry, I'm not in the mood. Henry: Fine. Then, let's talk about something else, like why would you make such a big deal about there being no possibility of us having s*x if you were planning to do it all along? Jen: I wasn't planning on anything. I mean, I thought that-- that maybe if it happened, if it felt right and-- and natural, then yeah, maybe we would, but you know, it doesn't even matter. Henry: Because of football camp? You know, I hate it when you do this. You get extreme about the future of our relationship at the first sign of one of your insecurities. Jen: This isn't about my insecurities, Henry. It's about your cowardice, Henry: what? Jen: And the fact that I planned our entire summer together, and you weren't even thinking about spending any time with me. For the first time in my life, I made myself vulnerable to somebody... And now I just feel stupid. Henry: Jen, my decision to go, it's-- it's got nothing to do with you. Jen: Exactly. But if this were a real relationship, your choice for those 8 weeks, it would have had at least something to do with me. Good night, Henry. Henry: Jen, I won't go through this again. I can't. This time, there won't be any posters or grand declarations of my feelings towards you. You walk in that house, and it's not just good night... It's good-bye. Jen: Good-bye. [Scene: Inside the Train Station. Ethan is about to go to the train when Jack runs after him to stop him.] Jack: Ethan, wait! Wait. What are you doing? Are you leaving? Ethan: Are you kidding me? Jack: Look, I-I'm sorry for the way that I acted tonight. Ethan: No, jack, I'm sorry. You clearly weren't ready for this. Jack: That's just it, because I don't know what this is, so maybe we should define this before we decide who's ready. Ethan: What are you saying? Jack: I-I'm saying... Ok, I'm saying that tonight... I don't think that I was uncomfortable with bringing a guy to the prom. I think I was uncomfortable with taking someone that doesn't feel the same way about me as I feel about him. Ethan: Jack, I really like you. Jack: Then why all the hurdles? Why this whole journey for us to be together when all you had to do was just lean over and— Ethan: kiss you. Jack: Yeah, something like that. Ethan: Because, jack, I don't wanna kiss someone who isn't ready. And I don't know if you're ready, so I'm afraid-- you're gonna have to kiss me first. Jack: How do you know that I couldn't? Ethan: I don't know. I'm guessing. Jack: Then maybe you're guessing wrong. Maybe I am ready. Ethan: Ok, so here we are--a lone train station, no one around, no lights, no cameras, no network television to cut to commercial. It's just you and me. So kiss me, jack. I dare you. [Scene: Outside the Fish House. Pacey is walking Andie home from the Anti-Prom.] Pacey: I honestly believed that when I came over to invite you to the prom, it was because I wanted to go to the prom with you, and I can't tell you how much I wish that were the truth, but as soon as I got there, I realized that I wanted to go to the prom because— Andie: I know why you wanted to go to the prom, Pacey, and I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you. But at least you got to dance with her. Pacey: What can I do? Really, I would do whatever it takes to make this up to you, Andie. Andie: What it would take is something that I don't think you can give me right now, and I'm not mad at you, Pacey-- honestly, I'm not. I just-- I just really feel bad for you. Pacey: Did I tell you what I'm gonna be doing this summer? I'm gonna sail true love down to key west. Just me and the sea. How's that for Hemingwayesque, huh? Andie: So when are you gonna leave? Pacey: Right after finals. Andie: Have you told her how you feel? Pacey: Andie, she already knows how I feel. Andie: I mean, have you really told her, Pacey? You can't just leave without letting her know. I mean, that's not like you. You--you don't just stand and let things happen, and you don't run away, either. You have to tell her that you love her, and you have to try to get her back, because if you don't, I promise you, you will regret it. Pacey: Maybe. Andie: No, Pacey, you will. [Scene: Outside Dawson's House. Dawson is sitting in a chair reading when Joey comes up to join him.] Joey: Hey. Dawson: Hey. Joey: Um... I brought these back for you. They're so beautiful, I-- I'm not quite sure they're me, but... Really fun time wearing them. So, I'm not going to deny that when you kissed me last night... I felt something. Something that I wasn't expecting, and something that... Probably will always be there. I can't keep hurting people, Dawson, and I can't choose, so I'm telling you the same thing that I told Pacey. Please don't make me. I'm not ready, and I can't do it. Dawson: Ok. Joey: Ok? Dawson: I'll wait. You can call me an eternal optimist, but I have faith. This whole year, I've been on this... Soul-searching journey... And I feel like I've finally come to the end. And what I found... Was you. [Gale goes running by them and into the house. Shouting for Mitch to join her in the Living Room. Dawson and Joey come into the house and watch what is going on.] Gale: Mitch! What? Mitch. Come here. Mitch: What is it? Gale: Just come here. Um, here, sit down. Mitch: What are you up to? Gale: Just this. Last night, you asked me to define this relationship, and I wasn't ready to do it. I have just been so afraid of-- of screwing up, of making the same mistakes twice. But I'm not gonna let that fear stop us from being together anymore. So, if our fate is to make the same mistakes all over again, then by god, I hope we make those mistakes as well as we did the first time. Is that a yes? Mitch: Well, you didn't ask me a question. Gale: You know the question. Mitch: You know the answer. [Dawson and Joey both look at each other and then back to Gale and Mitch. Both of them are smiling.]

Plan: A: Andie; Q: Who does Pacey attend the prom with? A: homophobic discrimination; Q: What has Jack been the victim of? A: his date; Q: What does Dawson ask Joey to be? A: the chemistry; Q: What do Dawson and Andie see between Joey and Pacey? A: an intimate moment; Q: What do Joey and Pacey share on the dance floor? A: the next day; Q: When does Joey visit Dawson? A: decisions; Q: Joey tells Dawson she isn't ready to make what? A: her feelings; Q: Jen breaks up with Henry after he selfishly makes plans for an entire summer at football camp without considering what? A: Mitch's doubts; Q: What does Gail respond to? A: the doorway; Q: Where were Dawson and Joey when Gail proposed to Mitch? Summary: Dawson, Joey and Andie organise their own unique prom when they learn that Jack has been the victim of homophobic discrimination over his choice of prom date. Dawson asks Joey to be his date to the group's anti-prom, but misleads Joey into believing that the night is about their renewed friendship, hiding the fact that he wants to win her back. Pacey attends the prom with Andie on his arm, who has plans to make things happen between the two of them. Dawson and Andie are both upset when they see the chemistry between Joey and Pacey who share an intimate moment on the dance floor. Joey goes to visit Dawson the next day, and tells him she isn't ready to make decisions. Jen breaks up with Henry after he selfishly makes plans for an entire summer at football camp without considering her feelings. Gail responds to Mitch's doubts about her commitment to their relationship by proposing to him. He accepts, witnessed by Dawson and Joey from the doorway.

(ER, people are all injured in the aftermath from the ferry accident) MVO: There are medical miracles. Being worshippers at the alters of science we don't like to believe miracles exist, but they do. (Meredith's room) MVO: Things happen...we can't explain them, we can't control them, but they do happen. (Meredith is still dead) Bailey: Chief, I know the hypothermia is protective to her vital organs but how much longer do you think we can go on like this? Richard: I've seen people last as long as four hours. Bailey: Yeah, but... Richard: No, this is not...this is Ellis Grey's little girl. This is my... Burke: We're all on the same side here, Chief. Bailey: Sir. Richard: Her body temp is at 86 degrees. She's not dead until she's warm and dead. We need to warm her up to 98.6 and start her heart. Bailey: Yes, sir. Richard: Let's do a gastric lavage with warm fluids. (Addison gets paged) Bailey: Addison. Addison: I have to go it's, uh, my Jane Doe. Bailey: Just...they're waiting for you so...whatever you choose to say will... MVO: Miracles do happen in medicine. They happen every day just not always when we need them to happen. (Meredith's afterlife, she is on a gurney staring at Denny and Dylan) Denny: Meredith. She's freaking out. Dylan: She's not freaking out. Denny: People tend to freak out. Dylan: Trust me, she's fine. Denny: Ok, mister, I've been dead longer, I know everything. Dylan: You know what, that's why I don't like to be here with you. Because you don't assess the situation, you just dive right in. Denny: Oh, I'm not the one who got himself all blown up. Dylan: All right, you wanna do this now or you wanna do this later? Denny: Oh, I wanna do this now. Dylan: You wanna do this now? Denny: I will kick you ass anytime. I'm the one with the fresh heart. Dylan: You're gonna kick my... Meredith: This is a brain thing. This is the ketamine neurotransmitter right? Dylan and Denny: No. Meredith: Cause you think if this were my brain doing this, the first person I'd want to be, no offense...(Doc jumps on the bed) Doc! Boy! Good boy! Hi! Hi, buddy! Dylan: Meredith, this is not your brain on drugs. This is death. You are dead. You're really freaking dead, dirt nap dead, no more you dead. Denny: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Way to harsh! Remember we're gonna take it easy. That was not easy. Meredith, you drowned in the Elliot Bay. You remember that? Meredith: Yeah, that sucked. Who's a good boy? Who's the best dog? Dylan: Oh, this is gonna take awhile. Denny: We don't have a while. She's run out of time. Meredith: Who's the best dog? (Addison leaves Meredith's room and Derek is waiting in the hall) Derek: Tell me! Addison: Her temps still only 86. There's still no heartbeat. Were hoping once she warms up... Derek: I wanna go in there. Addison: No. Derek: There's a risk of brain damage. I need to go in there. Addison: Derek, you can't. Not for Meredith, not for anybody. You're in no shape. (Addison walks through the doorway to where the interns are standing) Addison: It's not good. Cristina: Is she still cyanotic? What was her initial temp? What is taking so long? Addison: Dr. Yang! It's not good. They're doing everything they can. You should maybe...prepare yourselves. I have to go, my Jane Doe's awake. Alex: I'm coming with you. Iz, you'll let us know? Cristina: Prepare ourselves? That's what we tell the families before we call time of death. Izzie: She's gonna be ok. George: Sometimes you're wrong. Cristina: Uh-huh. No! Izzie: Cristina. Cristina: I'm not doing this. Izzie: Cristina. (Cristina walks away) Izzie: She's gonna survive this. She's gonna survive this. She's gonna survive this. She's gonna survive this. She's gonna survive this. (Meredith's afterlife) Liz Fallon: Meredith! Meredith! (She looks up and Liz is at the end of the bed) Liz Fallon: I don't know if you remember me. I was your mother's scrub nurse. I died from... Meredith: Liver cancer. (Bonnie walks in and stands at the end of the bed) Meredith: Bonnie? Bonnie: She remembers me. You remember. Liz Fallon: You were a very important patient for her. Meredith: What are all of you doing here? Is this... Bonnie: It's not heaven. Dylan: We're here because you called us here. Meredith: I didn't. Did I? Denny: Tell us about the water, Meredith. (Ellis' room, Olivia is there and Mark enters) Ellis: You do not have the authority to speak to me in that way. You are a bug. Olivia: I need you to hold still. Mark: Go ahead. Olivia: Burke usually writes for Lorazepam... Ellis: You're amateurs. Olivia: ...when she's like this but I don't want to bother him. Ellis: Get me out of this bed. Mark: Do it! Give it to her. Ellis: Who do you think you are? Mark: Sedation should... Ellis: Do you even know what you're doing. Get me Richard. (Jane Doe's room) Addison: I'm Dr. Montgomery, you need this oxygen. I need you to lie back. Jane: No. No. I'm not supposed to be here. Addison: This wasn't in your plan today I get that. But we're trying to take care of your baby. I need you to calm down. Jane: Just talk to my husband. (She looks at Alex) Addison: This is Dr. Karev, he's my intern. Jane: What? You're not...? Alex: You lost your ID. We don't know where your family is yet. Jane: But I know you. You're my... Alex: No, I found you...on the dock...after the accident. Jane: What dock? What accident? What happened? Addison: You were on the ferry. You don't remember? Jane: No. Addison: What about your name? Jane: My name? I don't know my name. I should know my own name. I'm having a baby, I should know my name. (Outside Jane Doe's room) Addison: She doesn't remember anything from before the accident. It could be head trauma. It could be psychological from the shock. Alex: Retro grade amnesia, it could be just...transient, right? Addison: Well, that's the hope. I'm worried about her lungs too. Get a chest x-ray and an ABG. Alex: Ok. Addison: Hey, you ok? You wanna be with your friends? Alex: No, I'm on this. Addison: You sure? Alex: Yeah, it's just Meredith always makes me think...I don't know, screwed up people have a chance. (Meredith's room. She is still dead.) Richard: I'm in. Start the warm fluids. Burke: Hold CPR. Richard: Anything? Burke: The heart is still, no movement. No fibrillation. Richard: Nothing? Burke: Nothing. Bailey: Restarting CPR. (Izzie enters) Richard: Stevens, get out of here! Izzie: I just...oh my god. Bailey: Go back outside and wait with Yang and O'Malley. Izzie: Cristina isn't...um, she left. Burke: She left in the middle of her shift? Where did she go? (Cristina is in the dollar store, she picks up random things including a picture frame) (Meredith's afterlife) Denny: Meredith, I need you to understand. This is important. You can't screw around. Meredith: Doc? Denny: All right, there's no time for that. You don't have the time and we don't have the time. Meredith: I drowned, that's all. I drowned. Bonnie: Meredith, please. Listen to us, you have to listen to us. You have to...oh, no! (Bonnie's stomach starts bleeding) (Bonnie is on a gurney and Meredith's hands are covered in blood) Meredith: I can't find the source of this bleeding. I need gloves and surgical towels. Liz: It happens with Bonnie, baby, you just gotta ride it. Meredith: I can save her. I can start on IV. Dylan: There's no point. Meredith: Go to the OR and get me sterilized surgical instruments. Go! Go! (Dylan walks away and fades into the wall. Suddenly Bonnie is gone and Meredith is left standing in an empty room with Denny.) Denny: Meredith, are you ready to talk about this now or you wanna waste some more time. (Meredith's room) Bailey: It's been over an hour. Is it...? We need to prepare for the possibility that she... Richard: Look, she is young, she is healthy. Her temps going up and it's gonna keep going up and her heart will start again. It's the only possibility I'm prepared for. (Cristina is at Joe's with bags of stuff) Cristina: Do you use moisturizer? Here take this, keep it behind the bar. Joe: Wow, what is this? It smells like something burning. Cristina: It's gingerbread. Joe: Yeah. Cristina: You're not getting this are you? Ok, this is 99 cents. Ok? You can buy anything for 99 cents. It's small, it's um, tiny size, it has cat like creatures on it but it is a chair. For 99 cents you can buy a chair, that's America man. Joe: That's Taiwan, man. You know this ferry things pretty bad. Don't you think you should be... Cristina: I am coping. Ok? I'm coping. So, uh, shut up and look at all my crap. (Bailey and Callie walk into the hall where Izzie and George are waiting) Bailey: Callie, I'm putting you in charge of my interns. Put em to work, anywhere but here. Izzie and George: No, we can't. We want to stay here. Bailey: You're concerned, I understand. There's been a disaster and there's work to be done. Go, now! (Bailey leaves) Callie: All right, they need bodies down in the clinic. Let's go down there. (Callie and George start to walk off but Izzie doesn't move) Callie: Hey, Bailey's right. We can't help Meredith, all we can do is sit around and go crazy. Izzie: I can't...I can't...I need to be here. Callie: Izzie! We're all freaked. We just need to stay out of the way, got it? Let's go. (Alex is in Jane Doe's room) Alex: Do you or your immediate family have a history of cancer? Jane: I don't know. Alex: How bout heart disease or high blood pressure? How bout alcohol or drug use? You don't know any of this do you? Jane: I don't even know the s*x of my baby or if I'm married. I have the ring line but I don't have the ring so what does that make me? Alex: I don't...I don't know. Jane: Is it really bad? I mean you look...am I gonna...? Alex: No, no, no. It's um, a friend, she was in the accident too. Jane Doe: I'm sorry. Alex: Yeah...things are tough all over. (The clinic) Sydney: I have no new information about your loved ones. I'm sorry but...we are facing a serious blood shortage. Anyone able to donate should see me. If you're not sure...see me. (Izzie is in the clinic near Callie) Izzie: These need to go to the blood bank for testing thanks. (She hands a cooler to a man and starts looking through bags of blood) Callie: What are those for? Izzie: Meredith is AB. Callie: She's been down a long time, but you know, she's strong. We shouldn't give up. Izzie: I wasn't planning to but thanks. Callie: Ok. Is this stress related or am I doing something specific to piss you off? Because believe me we need to pull together. Izzie: Not we. Callie: What? Izzie: You keep going on about how we need to do this for Meredith and how strong Meredith is like you know her. Callie: I do know her. Izzie: No! George, Cristina and me, we know her. We're her family. We were here long before you and George started fooling around. Callie: Hey! He is my husband! Izzie: Stop saying that like it means something. It is a piece of paper. You act like it gives you history or weight. Callie: Enough, enough! I will not be run off. I am here, George wants me here. And if you can accept that, that I love him to, then maybe we could be, I don't know, friends. Or you can keep on the way you are and be that person that George used to know. Izzie: You don't get to decide that. George decides. Callie: Oh, I know what he'll decide. And if I were you I would think about it long and hard because you cannot afford to lose another friend. Not when people around you keep... Izzie: Keep dropping like flies? Is that what you were about to say? (Meredith's afterlife. She and Denny are talking near a nurse's station) Meredith: So, all of you just disappear at will. (Bonnie appears) Denny: What happened? Meredith: I drowned, that's it. Bonnie: Really? Then why are we here? Meredith: Again. Bonnie: I can't do this, if you're gonna keep saying your drowned. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? Meredith: You know, when you came into the OR you were so brave, so strong. Bonnie: I was in shock. And you guys doped me up. And you know, in retrospect, what happened to me, really sucked. I was young and beautiful and in love. I was getting married in four months and then I was dying. And here you are all happy and perky to be dead. Meredith: You think I want to be here? I swam, I fought hard, the water was cold. Denny: All right, but that thing in the tub, what was that? Meredith: It wasn't anything it was...you see me in the tub? Denny: I do not see women in the bathtub. I wish I saw women in the...we know things. Liz: You had to think about it. No daughter of Ellis Grey could... Meredith: This is so not an Ellis Grey thing. Denny: Ahh, it's a Derek thing. Meredith: I would never... Bonnie: You would. I know crappy things have happened to you but how can you be a surgeon and have so little respect for life. How...oh come on. (She starts bleeding again) (Derek sits down in a waiting room) Man: Who you here for? Derek: What? Man: I'm waiting on my wife, car hit her. Can you believe that, on the ferry. She was run over on the ferry. They haven't said much. Hard as hell to get any of these people to talk to ya. Derek: Yeah, I'm, uh, my girlfriend was there too. And I don't know...I don't know what's gonna happen. Man: It's out of our hands, it's up to the doctors now. Derek: Yeah. Yeah. Man: What's her name? Derek: Meredith. Man: I'll put her in my prayers. Derek: Thanks. (Meredith's afterlife. Bonnie is on the floor bleeding again. Denny just sits there watching) Meredith: I need to get in there and find the source of this bleeding. Denny: Uh, see Mer, it's just gonna happen again. Meredith: Where is something to wipe up this blood? (Bonnie disappears and Dylan appears) Dylan: Fool me once... Denny: Yeah, show up now and be a smart ass. We have a job to do, where are you? Dylan: It's a waste of time, she's either gonna get it or she's not. Meredith: Get what? Dylan: The way I see it, it doesn't matter how you got here. You're either in this thing or you're not, there's no in between. And cowboy here can get pissed off because for all his tough talk, he's no different than Bonnie. He's stuck. Meredith: And you're not? Dylan: No. Denny: Oh, please. Dylan: I had a good life. I helped when I could and when that shell went off in my hands I completed my task. I saved you. (Meredith's room) Richard: What about another epi? Bailey: We've been pushing epi for an hour and a half now. Richard: Check another lead. Bailey: Asystole in three leads sir. Richard: What about her temp? Bailey: Down to 86 degrees. Richard: 86? It's 86 now? It was 89. Bailey: After drop phenomenon. (Ellis' room. Derek is sitting in a chair) Ellis: Water! Get me some water. (Derek gets her a drink of water) Derek: You broke her. You called her ordinary. You taught her time and time again that nothing she does ever is good enough. Every good thing that Meredith is happened despite you. She may not survive this. That's on you. That is on you. (Addison is at the door) Addison: Derek! (As Derek walks away you can see a moment of realization on Ellis' face) Derek: That woman is... Addison: She's cold. There's no question but she can't help herself and she certainly can't fix Meredith. Derek: It's my fault. Addison: Don't Derek: See, I knew what was going on and I wasn't there for her. Addison: You are human. Derek: She was pulling away from me and I just...it's just... Addison: You think...you think that she went in the water on purpose? Derek: She knows how to swim, she's a good swimmer. Addison: Derek, you don't know that's she...no, you do not get to break down, you don't get to fall apart. Not when there's still a chance and there still is a chance Derek. Derek: Ok. Addison: Ok. (Meredith's afterlife, she enters an OR and starts going through drawers. Denny speaks to her from the gallery) Denny: What are you looking for? Meredith: Something strong. The next time Bonnie decides to bleed out I'm gonna dope her to high heaven and then I'm gonna... Denny: Why are we still talking about her? Meredith: If I could find the source... Denny: She can't be saved. Meredith: This isn't fair. I could save her. If you'd just give me a chance I could save her. (She turns and Denny is now in the OR) Denny: What happened in that water? Meredith: I swam. I fought. Denny: No you didn't! And you can't stay here Meredith. Meredith: I don't want to! Denny: Yeah, you do. It's easier. But you can't because George's dad died. Because Izzie lost me. And Cristina...when she was nine she was in a car accident with her father and he bled out right in front of her while they waited for an ambulance to arrive. And Alex... Meredith: Stop! Denny: They are barely breathing. This will break them. None of them deserves that. And this...this is the big one. See pay attention! Do you know what kind of miracle it is that Derek is who he is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like even exists. He's still an optimist. He still believes in true love and magic and soul mates. He's waiting for you and if you don't come back from this, you will change who he is. Meredith: (Crying) Oh, God. (She looks up and she is alone) [SCENE_BREAK] (Derek is still outside Ellis' room when she starts flatlining) (Meredith's room) Bailey: What about a cardio-pulmonary bypass? Come on! We can do it here. Richard: Page Burke and the surgical team. Get them here now. (Joe's bar) Cristina: This is...this is quality sudoku, Joe. This is like two dollars worth of sudoku. Joe: Good to know. (Joe walks away and Burke sits down next to her) Burke: Been no change. Thought you should know. Cristina: No kidding. Burke: You know, some do come back from this. Cristina: I am not a civilian. I know the science here. It's drinking time. Burke: Not yet! You have a responsibility to Meredith. Cristina: Uh-huh, I don't do this stuff. You should know. Burke: You were there when I needed you. Cristina: After. After I knew you were gonna make it. Ok. I not proud, ok? I just...I can't. I can't go back there and watch. (His pager foes off) Burke: Listen to me, this is about you and the woman you call your person and you do know the science here. And if she dies and you are sitting here when that happens I can't see you coming back from that. Come and say goodbye to your friend. (Meredith's afterlife, she is sitting on the floor in the hallway with Denny) Meredith: I was swimming, I was fighting. And then I thought, just for a second, I thought, what's the point. And then I let go, I stopped fighting. Don't tell anybody. Denny: Ok. (Denny stops and smiles) Meredith: What? (He motions her to wait) Denny: Izzie. Meredith: You can see her? Denny: No. Sometimes we'll be in the same place at exactly the same time and...I can almost hear her voice. It's like I'm touching her. I like to believe she knows I'm there. That's you get, that's it. Moments with the people you love and they'll move on and you'll want them to move on. But still, Meredith, that's all you get. Moments. Meredith: Is this really happening? Denny: I don't know. This is your afterlife, not mine. (She looks up and Denny is gone and the water starts to creep up around her and she has flashes over herself drowning) (George walks past Izzie in the hall) Izzie: Any change? George: No. Izzie: George, come on. We can't do this today, not today. George: What the hell did you say to my wife? Izzie: I didn't say anything... George: I saw her face, I saw her face. Izzie: I didn't say anything, she was... George: She didn't say anything but why, why would you pick now to throw down? Izzie: I didn't. I...I can't lie about how I feel. George: Actually you can. You can, people lie all the time. They hold their tongues and they wait. You should hold your tongue because if I'm not making a mistake you're going to look like a jerk and if I am, I'm gonna need you. I need you and you keep taking that away. (Ellis' room) Derek: Ok, put on the CO2 monitor. Did you pager Dr. Burke? Tyler: He's in trauma 2 doing cardio pulmonary bypass. Derek: On, Meredith Grey? Tyler: Yes, sir. Derek: All right, push one of atropine. (Meredith's room) Bailey: Billy, what's her temp? Billy: We're up to 96. Richard: It's good, good, all right. Bailey: Now we just have to get her heart beating. Burke: Ok, draw an ABG, push one of epi, a gram of mac and an amp of calcium. (Meredith's afterlife, she enters the ER where Denny, Liz and Bonnie are) Meredith: I don't wanna be here. I wanna go back. Bonnie: We were told there wasn't a lot of time. Meredith: I'm out of time? Liz: Well, were not sure baby. Meredith: Oh god! I can't...I want...I had intimacy issues. Denny: Yeah. Meredith: Do you know how stupid that seems now? Denny: Yeah, I do. Meredith: It's not enough. It's not enough, just a whiff of Derek or Cristina...I need to go back. Please, I can't...I can't. (Ellis' room, Derek is performing CPR) Derek: You're not gonna die on me today, not today. Defib, give me the paddles. Clear. (Meredith's room) Richard: How many epi's is that? Bailey: Six. Richard: What's the eternal pacer? Burke: It's not catching. Richard: Billy, what's the external body temp. Billy: 98 Richard: So she's warm. Burke: Yes. Richard: And dead. Bailey: V-fib, that looks like v-fib. Richard: Shock her at 300. Bailey: Charge Richard: Clear. Bailey: You can not give up, you understand me? Do you know how much time and effort and energy and resources and...drugs...you cannot give up. Turning the pacer up to max. Richard: If there was any ounce of activity the pacer would have picked it up. Bailey: She's been on bypass for almost an hour. (Cristina enters) Bailey: Cristina. (Meredith's afterlife) Meredith: Oh, I can't...I can't breathe. Bonnie: This will pass. Meredith: It won't. It feels like... (She looks up and sees Ellis walking through the hall in her scrubs) Meredith: Mom? (Denny and Meredith walk into the hall. Ellis is at the other end) Denny: Go! Go, Meredith. (Meredith's room. Cristina touches her feet.) Cristina: Try again. Try again! Bailey: Ok, one more round of ACLS drugs. Richard: One more. (Meredith's afterlife. She is walking towards her mother) (Ellis' room) Derek: Still V-fib? Ok, charge to 300. Clear. (Meredith's afterlife) Ellis: You shouldn't be here. Meredith: Neither should you. Ellis: Just keep going. Don't be a damn...(They hug) You are...you are anything but ordinary, Meredith. Now run! Run! (Meredith's room. She is still blue) (Ellis' room) Derek: Is the lidocaine in? Doctor: Yes. Derek: Ok, holding compressions. Come on. Come on, just come on. Come on. (Meredith's afterlife, she turns and runs) (Meredith's room. The monitor beeps) Bailey: Sinus brady. Richard: Ok. Bailey: We got a heartbeat. (Burke listens) Burke: We got it. (Seattle scenes) (Meredith's room, they take out the tube and Addison enters) Addison: She's breathing on her own? Bailey: She is. Addison: She's been down a long time. Do we know the brain function yet? Bailey: We don't know. Addison: Derek? Does... Bailey: I haven't paged him yet. I wanted...I'm giving her more time. (Bailey and Addison leave. Cristina is now alone with Meredith. She is still touching her feet when Meredith tries to talk) Cristina: Did you just say something? Did you just speak? (Cristina stands at Meredith's side and touches her face) Cristina: Ok, Mer, I don't understand you. Try...try again...try again for me, ok? What...I...I can't? Please, please don't be. Your brain works, ok? So all you need to do is form a word, please. Meredith: Ouch. Cristina: Oh, god. Oh, hi! I'm getting married to Burke! Not that, that should be anywhere on your list of thought right now. But just in case you slip on the hall later or...You are the one person I wanted to tell. Thank you for not dying. (George and Izzie stand outside the room with Bailey. Alex walks up. They are all emotional but happy that she is alive) (Derek stands outside Meredith's room and is there when she wakes up) Derek: Hey. Meredith: Hey. (He walks in and kisses her) Derek: Meredith... Meredith: My mother's dead isn't she? Derek: Yes. Meredith: It's ok, I think. I think it's ok. (Addison is at the nurse's station watching on when Mark walks up) Mark: So she's ok? Addison: Yeah. We never had that. He never felt that way about me. Mark: I did. Addison: You know sometimes I think what a waste it is to throw away all that history. Mark: I'm flawed. I'm a wreck. But you...wasn't a game. Addison: 60 days. Go 60 days with s*x, no other women, cold turkey then maybe I'll believe you. Mark: So I only have s*x with you? Addison: No, no s*x with anyone. Grow up Mark, find another way to scratch the itch. Mark: Say I do, you'll give us another try. The real thing, the couple thing? No sneaking around, no bootie calls? Addison: If you make it, yes. Mark: Ok, we're on. Oh, Addison, if I'm not having s*x neither are you. Addison: Who would possibly be having s*x with? (Alex enters Jane Doe's room) Alex: How you doing? Jane: I hurt all over. How's your friend. Alex: Ah, she pulled through. Jane: Good, that's great. And nobody's... Alex: Claimed you? No, nothing yet. Jane: So we still don't know anything? Alex: Oh, no, not so. We learned a lot about you today. We know that your heart is healthy. We know that your blood type is B positive. You probably eat pretty healthy because your cholesterol is excellent and you're not diabetic. You lungs don't look like smoker's lungs and you don't drink alcohol on ferries in the morning. And your about 32 years old. And your baby is a girl. Jane: Really? A girl? Alex: Yeah. Jane: I think I am married. I feel married. Alex: Yeah? Jane: Yeah. Alex: See, now I know more about you than some of my closest friends. Jane: That's pathetic. (Bailey is in the clinic) Bailey: You held it down. Thanks. Sydney: What you did today with Meredith. Everybody's talking, chief resident talk. Ok, I'm talking, to myself. But...you're gonna give me a run for my money. (Sydney walks away) Bailey: Yeah, I am. (Locker room) Izzie: I let you down. And I get it if you don't trust me right now but...please George. It's me, it's us. Please. (George walks away) MVO: At the end of a day like this, a day when so many prayers are answered and so many aren't... (Ellis' room) Richard: You've been gone a long time. I know you think you died when the Alzheimer's started. I know it's a relief to you, I know. But It doesn't feel like a relief to me. I'm not relieved. I miss the sound of your voce, I miss talking to you, I miss you. I dyed my hair...for the ladies. (Meredith and Derek are laying in bed together) MVO: We take our miracles where we find them. We reach across the gap and sometimes against all odds, against all logic, we touch. (Izzie is leaving and stops in the hall suddenly. Denny and Izzie are in the same place at the same time) Denny: Izzie. (It is as if they both know that they have touched. Izzie smiles and leaves for the day as Denny smiles and walks into the light)

Plan: A: Webber; Q: Who struggles to keep Meredith alive? A: treatment; Q: What does Meredith's body not respond to? A: Derek's devastation; Q: What is Derek's reaction to Meredith's condition? A: deceased acquaintances; Q: Who does Meredith interact with in limbo? A: Cristina; Q: Who leaves the hospital to go shopping? A: her grief; Q: What does Cristina remedy? A: Alex; Q: Who continues to bond with the pregnant Jane Doe? A: Ellis Grey; Q: Who does Derek blame for Meredith's depression? A: her daughter's depression; Q: What does Derek blame Ellis Grey for? A: the alternate universe; Q: Where does Ellis meet Meredith? A: Burke; Q: Who is Cristina engaged to? A: Addison; Q: Who tells Mark that he must go celibate for 60 days? Summary: Webber struggles to keep Meredith alive, whose body does not seem to respond to treatment, much to Derek's devastation. Meanwhile, a metaphor shows Meredith in what she believes is limbo, displaying her interacting with deceased acquaintances whose decision would influence her chances of survival. Cristina remedies her grief for Meredith by leaving the hospital and going shopping, while Alex continues to bond with the pregnant Jane Doe who remains unclaimed, due to her inability to remember anything. Derek is aware that Meredith is a good swimmer and blames Ellis Grey for her daughter's depression. Ellis goes into cardiac arrest and meets Meredith in the alternate universe, and declares her love and respect for her, telling her to wake up. She does so, and sees everyone who loves her by her side. Cristina lets her know about her engagement to Burke. Addison tells Mark that if he wants to reunite with her, he must go celibate for 60 days.

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] INTERCUT WITH: [EXTREME CLOSE UP: SPERM (STOCK)] (Sperm zooms past the camera and toward the egg.) [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [CU: EGG (STOCK)] (The sperm swarm around the egg. Camera zooms past the sperm toward one that enters the egg.) [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [CU: EGG (STOCK)] (The fertilized egg starts to divide.) [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [CU: The fetus (STOCK)] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAWN] [CU: The fetus (STOCK) (Close-up of the feet and toes. We hear the fetus' heart beating.) [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - MORNING] [CU: The fetus (STOCK)] [CU: The baby] (A baby is awake in his crib. The doorbell rings.) (The camera sweeps around the room to show there's no one there. There's no answer.) (The doorbell rings again.) (On the floor, a woman is dead in front of the baby's crib.) [EXT. ADALIAN FRONT PORCH - MORNING] (Lana Adalian knocks on the front door to her sister's house. A dog barks in the background. After a moment, she peers into the house through the side window.) (Inside the house, the baby cries.) (Lana Adalian peers into the window and sees the baby in the crib and the body on the floor.) FLASH TO: [EXT. ADALIAN RESIDENCE - DAY] (A police car is parked in the driveway as officers question people outside. The front of the house is taped off.) (The CSI SUV drives up and parks on the road. Brass turns from talking with an officer and sees the car.) (Catherine and Sara carry their kits as they make their way toward the house. Brass meets them.) Brass: The decedent's name is Christina Adalian, 28. Gunshot to the temple. Her sister is over there, (He nods toward the dark-haired woman standing near the officer car and carrying the baby.) ... just came in from L.A. When no one answered the door, she looked inside. Saw her sister on the floor. The playpen with the baby was next to the body. Police officers kicked in the door. Catherine: Where's the father? Brass: Well, according to her sister, she's a single mom. They lived alone. [INT. ADALIAN RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Brass, Catherine and Sara enter the house. David Phillips is there with the body.) Brass: Hey. David Phillips: Lividity suggests she hasn't been moved. Liver temp is 92 degrees, which means she's been dead four to five hours. (Catherine notes the wound and the gun in the woman's hand.) Catherine: Wound pattern and GSR suggest a tight contact shot. Brass: Consistent with suicide. Oh, there's a note on the white table. (On the table, Catherine finds the hand-written note signed by Christina Adalian.) Catherine: "Joey is better off without me. Christina Adalian." Postpartum depression so bad, it leads to suicide? Sara: Sister was feeding the baby. Where'd she get the bottle? Brass: The fridge is full of bottles of breast milk. Sara: Mom stocks the fridge and kills herself, knowing her sister was going to show up. Catherine: She wanted to make sure that her baby was quickly found and fed. Sara: David, do you mind if I render the gun safe? David Phillips: Better you than me. (Sara removes the gun from the body's grip and checks it. Catherine looks at the victim's hand. Sara checks the cylinder.) Sara: One shot fired. Catherine: Sara, check out the blood on her hand. Sara: There isn't any. (Sara checks the gun.) Sara: The gun is spattered in dried blood. She wasn't holding this gun when she was shot. Catherine: And what appears to be -- is not. SMASH CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ADALIAN RESIDENCE - DAY] (David pushes the gurney with the body down the front drive toward the coroner's van. He rolls the gurney past the victim's sister, Lana Adalian, who is standing next to Brass on the front road. The baby is in her arms.) Lana Adalian: Honest. I am good with kids. I'll get a hotel. I'll stay in town. Brass: I know we've been over this before. Like I said, he'll be placed in Child Services until appropriate custody can be determined. That's just the way it is. I'm sorry. (An officer joins them.) Officer: Metro just arrived with a baby seat. We're ready. Brass: All right. Lana Adalian: I'd really like to go with him. Brass: Okay, after we're finished, an officer will take you to the facility. Lana Adalian: Finished with what? Brass: Well, we have a few more questions. And, uh, CSI has to take your fingerprints. We won't take long, believe me. Lana Adalian: Well, what about his bottles? Brass: They're in a cooler in the officer's car. (The officer holds his hands out for the baby. The baby starts to cry.) Officer: Ma'am. (Lana hesitates.) Officer: It's okay. Brass: (softly) It's okay. It's gonna be all right. (The officer takes the baby from her. The baby screams louder.) Officer: (to the baby) Hey, buddy. It's okay. It's okay. (The officer leaves with the baby.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ADALIAN RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY] (Grissom snaps photos of the note. He pauses and looks at the note.) (Catherine walks into the room.) Catherine: Can't find a red pen anywhere. Grissom: Well, maybe the killer brought his own pen. Or took it with him as a souvenir. (Grissom's phone rings. He checks the caller ID and sees: ECKLIE.) (He tucks the phone back into his pocket. Warrick enters the room.) Warrick: Okay, guys. I swept the perimeter. I think someone jimmied the back kitchen door. SHORT TIME CUT TO: [EXT. ADALIAN RESIDENCE - BACK KITCHEN -- DAY] (Warrick leads Grissom and Catherine outside to show them the back kitchen door.) Warrick: Now, I printed the doorknob. Nothing but smudges. Check out the fresh scrapings there on the doorjamb and the striker plate. (Grissom leans forward for a closer look.) Grissom: Looks like forced entry with a metal object. (Quick flash of: Someone jams a long, thin metal object to jimmie the door open. End of flash.) (Catherine leans forward and notices the dust on the floor.) Catherine: Some black and white particles. Want to hand me a hinge lift? (Warrick hands Catherine the hinge lift from his kit.) Warrick: Good eyes. (Grissom snaps a photo.) (His cell phone rings again. Grissom notes the caller ID and shuts the phone off.) Catherine: (without looking up) Who do you keep avoiding? Grissom: Ecklie. Catherine: Ah, that means you should answer it. Grissom: No, he just wants to yell at me because I'm late with the personnel evaluations. It can wait. Catherine: No, it can't. (Catherine gets a tape lift of the black and white particles.) Catherine: No one on your team receives cost-of-living adjustments until those evaluations are turned in. (Catherine stands up and looks at Grissom.) Warrick: Well, she kind of has a point. I do like to take the wife out to dinner every now and then. Grissom: Mm-hmm. I'll do them as soon as I get back to the lab. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ADALIAN RESIDENCE - DAY] (Lana Adalian talks with Sara and Brass.) Lana Adalian: Last time I saw my sister was over a year ago. She was just beginning to show. She'd gone through a really bad breakup and couldn't stop crying. Brass: Is the ex the baby's father? Lana Adalian: I'm not sure. Brass: Well, we need to contact him regarding Joey. It would be helpful to know his whereabouts. Lana Adalian: I only know his first name. Evan. But Christina referred to him as "the jerk." They met at a church social a few years back. Christina complained he wasn't very Christian-like. But that was part of the attraction, if you ask me. He was older. Didn't want to get married. You know, Christina never said he was the father. Sara: So there were other guys? Lana Adalian: No. As far as I knew, Christina was a prude. She'd turn red if somebody told a dirty joke. I always thought she was a virgin until ... Sara: Until she got pregnant. Lana Adalian: Yeah. (Sofia walks up to them.) Sofia Curtis: Excuse me, have either of you two seen Grissom? Sara: He's in the house. (Sara watches as Sofia heads for the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ADALIAN RESIDENCE - DAY] (Sofia removes her sunglasses as she steps inside the house. Catherine turns around and notices her.) Catherine: Sofia. Sofia Curtis: Hey, Catherine. Grissom, Ecklie's been looking for you. Is your cell not working? (Grissom is kneeling in front of his open kit, his back to her. He doesn't turn around.) Grissom: (over his shoulder) What are you doing here? Sofia Curtis: Well, apparently, I was a CSI, then a detective, but now I'm a messenger. You're needed at the lab ASAP. Grissom: Why? Sofia Curtis: I have no idea. But the undersheriff's camped out in the break room. (Sofia turns and leaves. Grissom doesn't move.) Catherine: I'll have Greg run down the gun's serial number. Nick is covering the autopsy. (Grissom slowly shuts the lid to his kit.) Warrick and I will finish the processing here and I'll keep you posted. (Grissom slowly snaps the kit shut, locking it.) Grissom: (sighs) Thanks. (Grissom grabs his kit and stands up. He walks past Catherine as he heads out.) Catherine: (quietly) What would you do without me? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / BREAKROOM -- DAY] (Grissom walks through the hallway and heads toward the break room. Inside the break room, Ecklie and Undersheriff McKeen sit side-by-side at the table. They both stand when Grissom walks in.) Ecklie: Grissom. Grissom: Conrad. Sheriff. It's always lovely to see you fellas, but I'm right in the middle of a crime scene. Ecklie: We have a situation, Gil. Preston Breckman who's on trial for the murder of Joanna Whitson. Grissom: Yeah, I know. (to the sheriff) She was a friend of yours. I'm sorry. Undersheriff McKeen: I was her godfather. Grew up with her dad. Two weeks before she was murdered I gave a toast at her sweet sixteen. Grissom: Well, they say it's a slam dunk case. Ecklie: You would think. (He looks down at the file folder in front of him.) We've got an eyewitness who saw him stab her. Hair, fiber, even DNA from the killer's tobacco indict, Breckman. (He hands the folder to Grissom.) Ecklie: We got the right guy. Grissom: Then what am I doing here? Ecklie: Defense has called entomologist Mark Thayer as an expert witness. Grissom: He's a gun for hire. Ecklie: He's gonna say that the insect activity on the body proves defendant was out of town at the time of the murder. Grissom: And you want me to refute his testimony? (Ecklie nods. Grissom looks at the folder.) Grissom: When does he take the stand? Undersheriff McKeen: Half an hour. Look, he's been on the list, but the DA assured me he was unavailable. Ecklie: Gil, we need you to listen to his testimony. Prosecution may need your assistance on cross. Grissom: I'll do my best. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - MORGUE -- DAY] (Robbins goes over the preliminary findings with Nick.) Robbins: No mystery here. Penetrating gunshot wound to the right temple killed our virgin Mary. I sent the bullet to ballistics. Nick: Virgin Mary? Robbins: Hymen's intact, which means she's never had intercourse. But she gave birth ... caesarean scar. NICK; So other than divine intervention, how do you explain this miraculous conception? Robbins: Well, the most obvious explanation would be frottage. Nick: You mean dry humping? Robbins: In s*x ed, Nick, they teach that rubbing body parts is safe. But since the hymen's not a barrier to semen, there's still a risk of pregnancy, not to mention STDs. Nick: Right. Sperm meets labia, all bets are off. Robbins: It's all about gravity. Nick: Thanks, Dr. Ruth. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB -- DAY] (Bobby Dawson goes over the bullet findings with Greg.) Greg: The test fire bullet matches the evidence bullet. Bobby Dawson: That confirms the gun found at the scene was used to kill this, uh ... (He opens the file folder and looks at the victim's name.) Christina Adalian. Greg: You run the serial number? Bobby Dawson: Yeah, of course. Anyway, Greg, your two-inch Colt was originally purchased in 1986 by a Mr. Duane McWane from Henderson. Good luck. (He hands the file folder to Greg.) Greg: Thanks. (Greg turns and leaves the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WITHERSPOON'S COURTROOM -- DAY] (Open on a courtroom chart titled: LIFE CYCLE OF THE BLACK BLOWFLY (P. Regina). The cycle shows from egg to pupa to adult.) (Mark Thayer is on the stand.) Mark Thayer: Well, as you can see, the life cycle of the black blowfly, from egg to larva to puparium to adult, is like clockwork. Adam Matthews (defense): So, to be clear, we can use the fly's lifecycle to accurately determine the precise day the victim was killed. Mark Thayer: That's correct. Adam Matthews (defense): The victim was murdered in a woodsy area near Lake Mead. In that vicinity, how long would it take for the blowfly to lay eggs in Joanna Whitson's body? Mark Thayer: Within minutes of her death. (In the audience, Ecklie turns to Grissom.) Ecklie: (quietly) Is that true? Grissom: (nods) Mm-hmm. Adam Matthews (defense): Doctor, based on your review of the blowfly activity as documented by CSI, can you tell this jury the exact date Joanna was murdered? (In the back of the audience, Undersheriff McKeen sits watching the proceedings.) Mark Thayer: CSI found puparia on the body, but no adults. So that means that the victim had been dead for fifteen days. Adam Matthews (defense): The body was discovered November 15. So based on your analysis, the victim was killed November 1? Mark Thayer: That's correct. Ecklie: (to Grissom) Defendant was in Mexico 'til November 3. We think he killed her on the fourth. Grissom: (quietly) Well, he's still got to prove his timeline. Adam Matthews (defense): Dr. Thayer, this timeline you suggest-- from egg to puparia, has this been documented? Mark Thayer: I documented it myself. In fact, in preparation for this trial, I videotaped a black blowfly breeding on a pig carcass. Now, this videotape will illustrate that the timeline from egg to puparium is, in fact, precisely fifteen days. (Adam Matthews turns back to his table and picks up a video tape. He holds it out for the court.) Adam Matthews (defense): Your honor, on this video tape, I have relevant footage of Dr. Thayer's experiment. With your permission, I'd like to play it for the jury. (Grissom leans forward toward the prosecutor.) Grissom: Have you seen this tape? ADA Jeffrey Sinclair (prosecutor): (to Grissom) No. (louder, to the court) Objection. Your honor, the defense never produced that tape for our review. We haven't had the opportunity to examine its authenticity. Adam Matthews (defense): It's not our fault. It was never requested. Judge Witherspoon: Is that true, counselor? ADA Jeffrey Sinclair (prosecutor): The defense is playing games, your honor. We subpoenaed the expert's files, reports and opinions. But, apparently, they've conveniently construed the subpoena too narrowly. They're acting in bad faith, your honor, and cannot expect this court to usurp ... Adam Matthews (defense): Your honor, your honor. If I may ... Judge Witherspoon: (interrupts) You may not. You blindsided the court. You knew that the ADA would want to see that tape and you deliberately withheld it. (to the ADA) How much time do you need? ADA Jeffrey Sinclair (prosecutor): We won't know until we review the video. Judge Witherspoon: Fine. The defense is to hand over the tape and all associated evidence. (to the jury) The jury is dismissed until 1:00 P.M. tomorrow. (The judge bangs her gavel. Court is dismissed. The prosecutor immediately turns toward Grissom.) Grissom: Send everything over to the lab. I'll be there. (Still seated on the stand and with a glint in his eyes, Mark Thayer notices Grissom. Grissom looks up directly over at Thayer.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (Hodges reports his findings to Catherine and Warrick.) Hodges: Your black-and-white particles were composed of plagioclase, biotite, hornblende and pyroxene. Catherine: Diorite granite. Hodges: You remember your geology. Catherine: Yes! Warrick: Wow. Catherine: Actually, senior year I took "rocks for jocks." I dated the TA. Hodges: Lucky guy. Warrick: I'm sure you got an "A." Catherine: (smugly) As a matter of fact, I did. Warrick: Mm-hmm. Hodges: (to Warrick) You're married? Don't flirt. (Warrick's jaw drops.) Anyway, uh, diorite granite is used in high-end bathroom vanities. Was there any recent construction at the house? Warrick: No, I processed the bathroom and the countertops for some kind of plastic laminate. Hodges: Made a few calls. There's only one slab yard in Clark County that works with diorite. It's on Alonzo Avenue across the street from the old theater. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SLAB YARD -- DAY] (Catherine and Warrick talk with the shop manager.) (The shop manager watches a fork lift pass by.) Shop Manager: (to the driver) Hey, take it easy with that thassos. It's the last shipment of the month. (to Catherine and Warrick) Sorry about that. (He looks at the NEVADA DRIVER'S LICENSE. It reads: (to right corner) 05-14-1991 LIC # 1800592214 EXPIRES 05-12-2005 SSN 503-45-734 CLASS C ENDORSE RESTRICTIONS BIRTHDATE 05-12-1980 s*x F HEIGHT 5'8" WEIGHT 120 EYES BRN HAIR BRN (printed) Christina Adalian ADALIAN, CHRISTINA 16 SOUTH MEADOWS LN LAS VEGAS, NV 89101 Shop Manager: Sure, I know Christina. Dated one of my guys. Real sweet gal. Used to bring donuts around before they broke up. Catherine: Her ex happen to be working today? (The shop manager turns and looks around the yard. He turns and points.) Shop Manager: Yep. His name's Evan. (They turn and see a young man working.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [EXT. SLAB YARD -- DAY] (Catherine and Warrick talk with Evan Peters.) Evan Peters: Well, I'm sorry to hear about Christina, but we broke it off months ago. I haven't seen her since. Warrick: Really? Was she dating one of your co-workers? Evan Peters: Huh? Warrick: Well, we found marble particles in her house and we identified the stone. It came from this facility. Catherine: See, Mr. Peters, we know that you and Christina technically never had s*x, so when you found out that she was pregnant, I'm guessing that you felt that she cheated on you. Evan Peters: How in the hell do you know about my s*x life? Catherine: I mean, that had to have made you really angry, right? Evan Peters: Well, that's why I dumped her. (Catherine nods.) Evan Peters: And fine, I saw her a couple of days ago. She called me in a panic. Dingbat had locked herself out with her damn baby still inside the house. Thought I had her spare key. I didn't. She sounded hysterical, so I went over to help. (Quick flashback to: [EXT/INT. ADALIAN RESIDENCE - BACK KITCHEN DOOR - DAY] Evan jimmies the lock with a long, thin piece of metal. We hear the baby crying inside the house.) Christina Adalian: Please hurry. (Evan opens the door and Christina runs inside.) Christina Adalian: Joey! (Evan follows slowly behind her. He's looking at the piece of metal and absently scrapes the bottom of his boots on the door mat.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: You followed her into the house? Evan Peters: Yeah. Well, she wanted to talk. Warrick: What did you talk about? Evan Peters: All right, get this. She tried to tell me that God got her pregnant. (He laughs.) I mean, if that's true, the big guy owes me an apology 'cause she was my girlfriend. He should have asked me first. Catherine: Why did you lie to us? Claim that you hadn't seen her in months? Evan Peters: Well, you guys were investigating her murder, and I want to stay out of it. Catherine: Well, it's too late for that, my friend. We need your DNA. Open wide. (Evan opens his mouth.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Greg talks with Duane McWane.) Duane McWane: The day I got married, I got rid of my gun. The wife didn't want it in the house. Greg: You sell it? Duane McWane: No, I gave it to my paralegal. I'm an attorney. Look, it's just a handgun, so I wasn't required to register the transfer. Greg: What's your paralegal's name? Duane McWane: Rita Day. She left the firm years ago. She's a paramedic now at emergency care ambulance. Greg: You still keep in touch with her? Duane McWane: I get a card every Christmas. Greg: All right, well, thanks, Mr. McWane. Duane McWane: Look, just, just so you know, she only got that gun for her own protection. Whatever you're investigating, Rita didn't do it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY] (Grissom is in his office reviewing the tape from the trial on his laptop. On the monitor, he watches the pig carcass on day 10.) (He closes the video and goes back to the main menu. He scrolls down from day 10 to day 11. He runs the video.) (On the monitor, he watches the infestation in the pig carcass's mouth.) (Grissom reviews the file when Ecklie walks in.) Ecklie: How is it going? Grissom: Well, according to my experience and all three of these textbooks, the P. Regina would develop from egg to puparium in eleven days. Ecklie: Great. That discounts Thayer's testimony and puts Breckman in Vegas at the time of the homicide. Grissom: Yeah, but his demonstration speaks for itself. There's no visible puparia for fifteen days, just as Thayer asserts. Ecklie: And jurors might be more receptive to video documentation than books. Grissom: The science in these textbooks is sound, but the tape is more than enough to get reasonable doubt. Ecklie: Well, there's no doubt in my mind that Thayer worked his science to get the answers the defense needed. We just need to know how he did it. Could he have altered one of the variables? Grissom: I've reviewed his documentation. He purchased the pig from a reputable dealer. He conducted the experiment at a private lab with eyewitnesses, controlled all variables to replicate the conditions at Lake Mead during the time in question--65 to 73 degrees, no precipitation, on and on. Ecklie: Can you conduct your own experiment? Grissom: Sure, if the judge will give me eleven days. Ecklie: Well, we know that's not gonna happen. Grissom: I'll have Archie review the video footage. Maybe he messed with the time code or something. (He shrugs.) I'll let you know. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (Catherine is with the new DNA tech, Wendy Simms.) Wendy Simms: So I heard that my predecessor in DNA had all these you know, personal hygiene issues. Well, just for the record, I'm not like that. I have always been very touchy-feely. I mean, I used to work in San Francisco, you know. So ... every day we started with hugs. Catherine: Uh-huh. Yeah. That must've been nice for you. So ... Wendy Simms: (interrupts) Hey, how about lunch tomorrow? Just you and me. Cause, see, I-I figure that you gotta know where the bodies are buried around here. So to speak. Catherine: Is that why you paged me? Wendy Simms: No. No, um ... I compared Christina Adalian's DNA to baby Joey's, and guess what? Mother and son -- they're not mother and son. At least not genetically speaking. There's no relation. Catherine: And Evan Peters isn't the father? Wendy Simms: Nope. So assuming that there was no big baby mix-up at the hospital, I'm thinking that Christina Adalian had to be a surrogate. Catherine: Surrogacy ... that would explain her hymen. Wendy Simms: Hello. Catherine: Her hymen was intact, which is consistent with in-vitro fertilization. Wendy Simms: Yeah, but there's one problem. A surrogate's not supposed to keep the baby. The surrogate is supposed to be a gestational carrier who returns the child to the biological parents after it's been born. Catherine: Yeah, that is a problem. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (Grissom is sitting behind his desk when Archie knocks on the door before entering.) Archie Johnson: Hey, Gris. I reviewed your videotapes. Checked for insertions, deletions, omissions. They're all authentic. Grissom: You're certain? Archie Johnson: Oh, yeah. I de-interlaced the video, checked the head switching, the hbi-vbi looked for in-out signals. The tapes are clean. Sorry. Grissom: Did you blow up the frames? Archie Johnson: Yeah. One every six hours. They're in layout, when you're ready. Grissom: Okay. (Archie leaves; Catherine enters.) Catherine: Oh, hi, Archie. Archie Johnson: Hey. Grissom: I just finished your eval. Catherine: And? Grissom: In the comments section, I noted that if you had my job, these evaluations wouldn't be late. Catherine: Thank you. So I understand that you're going up against Mark Thayer. (Catherine sits down.) Catherine: The guy's an ass. Grissom: He used to be a competent scientist. We actually co-authored a paper together ten years ago. I believe greed has gotten in his way. Catherine: Well, I've seen him on the stand. He manipulates evidence. Grissom: He manipulates people. The public assumes that scientists are ethical, but many of us are no better than politicians, evidently. Catherine: So do you think that Thayer is presenting the jury with faulty forensics? Grissom: I know he is. I just don't know how. Videotapes are clean. The science appears sound. How's your case going? Catherine: (chuckles) Huh. I don't know who killed Christina Adalian, I don't know how she got pregnant and I don't know the identity of the baby's biological parents. Grissom: It's always good to know what you don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. AMBULANCE SERVICE (BUILDING) - FRONT -- DAY] (Greg interviews Rita Day.) Rita Day: Sure, I know Duane. He's a good boss. I just hated being cooped up in an office building all day. Greg: He claims he gave you his gun several years back. Rita Day: Yeah, sure. Why? Greg: It was recently used in a homicide. Rita Day: Damn. Well, I'm sorry. Greg: So, the gun's no longer in your possession? Rita Day: Lost the Colt in a poker game years ago. Greg: Do you remember who you lost it to? Rita Day: I was drunk as a skunk. Met these guys at a bar. Lost a small fortune trying to keep up with their raises. Greg: Can you tell me anything about the guy who won the gun? Rita Day: Well, he's an older guy, at least fifty. I remember guys were calling him "Cy," but that wasn't his real name. He had this large mole between his eyes. Greg: "Cy," short for, uh, "cyclops"? Rita Day: Yeah. I swear I thought that thing was winking at me. Greg: Thanks for your help. Rita Day: No problem. (Greg turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - CATHERINE'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Catherine is sitting at her desk working when Sara walks in. She sees the wooden ducks on Catherine's desk.) Sara: Oh, ducks. That's a new decorating choice. (Catherine immediately grabs the ducks and puts them on the counter behind her.) Catherine: I now have to share this office with the day shift supervisor. She's got some kind of thing for waterfowl. What's up? (Sara sits down and opens the file folder she's carrying.) Sara: Warrick and I tracked down Joey Adalian's birth certificate. Christina's named as the mother, father's unknown. (She hands the reports to Catherine.) We also found another document in her desk. It's a registration form for an organization called Project Sunflower. They find mothers for abandoned embryos. Catherine: Abandoned embryos? Sara: According to literature, Project Sunflower believes that every fertilized egg or embryo is a baby from the moment it's created in a laboratory dish. Fertility clinics freeze fertilized eggs for their clients undergoing in-vitro fertilization. Often, the clinics freeze more eggs than they ultimately need. Catherine: And Sunflower tries to find women willing to gestate and raise the leftovers? Sara: Uh-huh. Project Sunflower promotes itself as doing God's work. Catherine: I knew a stripper who claimed the exact same thing. So, is there any chance that you have a record of the baby's biological parents? Sara: Not yet. But I do have an address for Sunflower's local chapter. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PROJECT SUNFLOWER OFFICE - DAY] (Sara and Catherine meet with Dr. Emily Ryan.) Emily Ryan: It's a tragedy. There are over four hundred thousand embryos currently in cryobank storage in the United States. Pre-born children suspended in time. Catherine: If I understand your program correctly, you take these embryos and you place them in available wombs. Emily Ryan: We seek out special unselfish women who are prepared to adopt at the embryonic stage of development. We believe that the soul is infused when sperm meets egg. That's when life begins. Catherine: Are you aware that throughout much of history, the official church position held that a child's life begins when the mother first becomes aware of movement? Emily Ryan: Oh, that's your opinion. Catherine: In the 16th century, the pope proclaimed that embryos less than forty days old are not human. That is not my opinion. Emily Ryan: You've had an abortion, Miss Willows? Catherine: Huh. No. Thank God I decided not to have one. But we are not talking about me, Dr. Ryan. Are you a medical doctor? Emily Ryan: I don't care for that insinuation. Catherine: Oh, it's just a question. I take it that's a no? Emily Ryan: I have a very busy afternoon. What exactly can I do for you? Sara: I have a question. Do the biological parents get to meet the embryo adopters? Emily Ryan: Of course. If you are going to give up your pre-born child, you'd want to approve of his or hers future parents, right? Sara: Uh, one of your special women, Christina Adalian, was murdered. We're going to need the names of her son's biological parents. Emily Ryan: I am, I'm sorry to hear about Christina. I conducted her intake interview personally. A lovely woman. Our records are confidential. I'm sorry. Catherine: We can get a court order. Emily Ryan: So get one. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY] (Grissom has the photos he asked Archie to take spread out on the table and up on the walls. Grissom walks up to the wall and uses a magnifying glass to look at the particular photo. He steps back and looks at another photo. He looks at the day 2 photos on the table.) (Undersheriff McKeen walks into the room.) Undersheriff McKeen: Ecklie said the tape might be authentic. Grissom: Seems so. (Grissom goes back to looking at the day 2 photo. He uses a pen and circles the indentions on the pig carcass.) Undersheriff McKeen: Grissom, I don't know what to do: Instruct the DA to offer second degree? I mean, I can't risk letting this guy back out on the street but to plead this out after what he did to someone I loved. I need some guidance here. Grissom: I can't tell you what to do, Sheriff. Undersheriff McKeen: No, you can't. But you can tell me where we stand. What are you doing? Grissom: Circling blowflies. Undersheriff McKeen: Why? Grissom: 'Cause dead flies tell no lies. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - Q.D. -- DAY] (Professor Rambar has the suicide note up on the overhead as he reports his findings to Catherine.) Professor Rambar: The signature is definitely hers, and you're right, she wrote the note under duress. Catherine: Have you been able to analyze the ink? Professor Rambar: Thin-layer chromatography tells us the red dye is consistent with a standard coda pen. But find the pen. I should be able to match it to the note. Catherine: You can match ink? Professor Rambar: I can match its flow. (He walks around the table and focuses the overhead close on the letter "T".) Professor Rambar: What do you notice about the ink? Catherine: Uneven distribution? Professor Rambar: (nods) The pen socket that holds the ball in place was askew. (Quick flashback of: Christina Adalian cries as someone writes out the suicide note.) Professor Rambar: (V.O.) The cockeyed socket caused ink disruption as it flowed down to the paper. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Professor Rambar: The damaged socket is quite common in sheet-writing instruments. Lucky for us, the uneven distribution of the ink will be unique to the pen that wrote the note. (Sara knocks on the door before entering.) Sara: Hey, Professor. Looking good. (to Catherine) You know how sometimes fact is stranger than fiction? Catherine: Yeah. Sara: Brass got the court order for Joey Adalian's biological parents: A Kenli and Dan Johnson in Seven Hills. We also found Christina's will. Guess who she named as Joey's guardians. Professor Rambar: Kenli and Dan? (Sara looks at the professor and smiles.) Professor Rambar: (sheepishly) Excuse me. Sara: (nods) You're right. Catherine: A single woman adopts a leftover embryo from an infertile couple and upon her death agrees to give the child back to its biological parents? Sara: Who gave up the embryo in the first place? Catherine: You happen to have an address for this Mr. and Mrs. Johnson? Sara: Let's go. [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Sara and Catherine step out of the lab and into the hallway where Greg joins them.) Catherine: Oh, hey. How's the way of the gun? Greg: It was lost in a poker game. Sara: Did you get the winner's name? Greg: No, but he has a large mole between his eyes and his nickname's "Cy." That's all I got, so sorry. Catherine: Greg, never apologize for doing your job. (Sara and Catherine leave.) Greg: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY] (Sara and Catherine interview Kenli Johnson while her mother, Sandra Walkey prepares a cup of tea in the kitchen.) Kenli Johnson: Dan and I were desperate to have a child, and the doctor said our only hope was in-vitro. Catherine: Where is your husband now? (Sandra Walkey sits down next to Kenli.) Kenli Johnson: He ... he passed away. Sandra Walkey: Are you sure I can't get you something? Catherine: No, thank you. (Sandra hands the cup of tea to Kenli.) Kenli Johnson: Thank you, Mom. Sandra Walkey: You're welcome, baby. Kenli Johnson: It's been almost a year. We were coming home from a movie when we were broadsided. The guy kept going and Danny never woke up. Catherine: I'm so sorry. Can I ask you ... did you ever conceive a child? Kenli Johnson: My body kept rejecting the procedure, so we tried three times and then called it quits. Catherine: Had you ever considered a surrogate? Kenli Johnson: It's very expensive. Danny just was never comfortable with the notion that ... well, we just figured we weren't meant to be parents. Sara: And that's why you decided to give away your embryos. Kenli Johnson: Yeah, I had seen a flyer at the clinic. Catherine: Are you aware that one of those embryos was carried to term? Kenli Johnson: Dan and I pre-screened Christina, and we went to see Joey and her once a month. So that's why when I got your call, I just don't know who'd want to hurt such a sweet girl. Sara: According to Christina's will, you were named Joey's guardian. Kenli Johnson: Yes, that was very important to Christina. She's not close with any of her family, so I've already called Child Services, and as soon the lawyer reviews the will, I'm supposed to pick him up. Catherine: Well, if you don't mind, I'd like your permission to take a look at the clothing that you wore two nights ago. Kenli Johnson: You can't possibly think I had anything to do with this? Catherine: It's protocol. The victim was shot at close range. (Kenli walks over to the utility room and brings back a laundry basket.) Kenli Johnson: I wore the white blouse. Catherine: We're going to need to take all the laundry back to our lab. Kenli Johnson: You never found the guy who killed my husband, and now you're wasting time looking at my dirty clothes. That's fine. Take it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (Open on the label on an evidence container. It reads: SECOND STAGE LARVAE LVPD 05.11 2104GG GG (The container is filled with larvae. Henry Andrews, the lab tech, processes the larvae. He blends them, takes a sample of them and puts the sample in the machine.) (Various dissolves of: The sample is processed. The results print out.) (Grissom walks into the lab.) Henry Andrews: Why did the fly, fly? Grissom: Because the spider spied her. Catherine's daughter told me that when she was three. Do we have results? (The lab tech gives Grissom his results. Grissom looks at it.) Grissom: Thank you. [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Grissom walks into the hallway and meets up with Catherine.) Catherine: Oh, hey, Ecklie said you wanted to see me. Grissom: Yeah. A Dr. Ryan called and said that you verbally harassed her? Catherine: I met Dr. Ryan in the course of my investigation. She runs an organization called Project Sunflower. Philosophically, I completely disagree with the organization. Perhaps I expressed myself. Grissom: Which means? Catherine: I'm pro-choice. I'm in favor of stem cell research. I'm sorry she felt harassed, but my comments were in response to her statements. I don't think I was out of line. Grissom: You should have cited Leviticus 17:11. "The life of the flesh is in the blood." Taken literally, life doesn't begin when the sperm meets the egg, but 18 days later. When the embryo is infused with blood. Catherine: Is that your position? Grissom: Well, if I were speaking with a woman who prefers theology to science, it's a position she'd find tough to refute. Catherine: So are we having a philosophical discussion here, or am I being reprimanded? Grissom: (shakes his head) I don't know. I got to go to court. (Grissom leaves. Catherine turns and sees Hodges leaning up against the door frame to his lab as he watches her.) Catherine: What? Hodges: Your white blouse. The results are printing. [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - CONTINUOUS] (The results print out.) Hodges: It seems like you and Grissom were having a fairly intense conversation. Can I ask ... ? Catherine: (interrupts) Tell me about the blouse, please. Hodges: I ran the S.E.M. over the adhesive disks and confirmed gunshot residue. (Catherine looks at the results.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (Catherine interviews Kenli Johnson as her attorney, Carol Allred, sits next to her.) Carol Allred (attorney): You found clothing in a laundry basket that tested positive for gunshot residue. So what? That doesn't mean my client killed anyone. Catherine: It proves that she fired a gun, Carol. Kenli Johnson: I've never fired a gun. I've never even touched a gun. Carol Allred (attorney): Catherine, I'm sorry, but if I understand your forensics, the GSR test does not, in fact, confirm that she fired a gun. I mean, it's possible she rubbed up against someone who did. Catherine: Theoretically. Kenli Johnson: I cared about Christina. Catherine: I'm sure that you did. But looking into Joey's eyes and seeing your husband must've torn you up inside. And the only person standing between you and your baby was the victim. Carol Allred (attorney): Okay, don't respond to that. Catherine: When was the last time you actually saw Christina? (Kenli looks at Carol. Carol nods for her to answer the question.) Kenli Johnson: Two days ago. I took them to lunch. Catherine: What were you doing two nights ago, around 11:00 P.M.? Kenli Johnson: I was home all night. Catherine: Can anyone verify that? Kenli Johnson: My mom lives with me, but she wasn't home. That's gin rummy night. SHORT TIME CUT TO: [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY] (Catherine walks out of the interview room and heads over to the waiting room where Sandra Walkey is waiting.) Sandra Walkey: What's going on in there? Kenli had nothing to do with this. Catherine: Mrs. Walkey, I need your help. Your daughter claims that two nights ago she was home watching television. Can you confirm that? Sandra Walkey: Well, of course. I was with her. Catherine: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (Sara is examining the laundry basket clothes under the ALS. She stops and turns the lights back on when Catherine walks in.) Sara: If you had to guess, what's Kenli's dress size? Catherine: Four, maybe six. Sara: I found blood spatter on this blouse. Size 12. Catherine: There're two women that live at that house. Only one is a size [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (Catherine interviews Sandra Walkey.) Sandra Walkey: I don't need an attorney. I've done nothing wrong. Catherine: Would you mind emptying the contents of your purse? Sandra Walkey: First you go after Kenli, now me. A few hours ago, you guys were saying there was gunshot powder on Kenli's blouse. You make a mistake? Catherine: No, it was probably transferred from your blouse, the one that you wore that night. I have a warrant to search your person and your home. Please empty the contents of your purse onto the table. (Mrs. Walkey dumps the contents of her bag onto the table. Catherine finds a red pen.) Catherine: A red coda pen. (Quick flashback of: Mrs. Walkey holds the gun on Christina Adalian as she writes out her suicide note.) Sandra Walkey: Joey ... is ... better off ... without me. (Christina finishes the note and looks at the baby.) Christina Adalian: Please don't do this. Oh, God, please. Sandra Walkey: Sign it. Sign it! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: You knew that her sister was coming for a visit, so the baby would be okay. You killed her and then staged the scene. (Quick flashback to: The baby is in the crib. Mrs. Walkey fires. Christina falls to the floor. Joey screams.) (Mrs. Walkey quickly grabs the red pen. She kisses Joey on his head, then leaves.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sandra Walkey: You have a wild imagination, Ms. Willows. (Catherine looks down and sees a photo on Mrs. Walkey's keychain.) Catherine: Is this your husband? Sandra Walkey: Arnold. He passed away. Two years ago, May. Catherine: He looks like a poker player. Sandra Walkey: You can tell that from his photo? Catherine: Actually, it's ... the mole between his eyes that's his tell. Sandra Walkey: Why are we talking about Arnie? Catherine: Because you used his gun. The gun he won in a poker game. Sandra Walkey: Are you going to put me in jail? Catherine: That's how it works. Sandra Walkey: And the baby -- he goes with Kenli, right? Catherine: I'm sure that Child Services will follow the dictates of Christina's will. Sandra Walkey: Then it was all worth it. My baby has her baby. That's all that really matters. Catherine: Did you ever consider that Christina Adalian is somebody's baby? Sandra Walkey: We each protect our own. That's how it's done. Catherine: Officer, would you please escort Mrs. Walkey to lockup? (The officer steps forward and escorts Mrs. Walkey out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JUDGE WITHERSPOON'S COURTROOM - DAY] (The court watches the video of the dead pig on day 14.) Mark Thayer: As you can see, on day 14 -- plenty of larvae, commonly known as maggots, but no puparia. (Video cuts to the dead pig on day 15.) Mark Thayer: Finally on day 15, you'll notice the puparia swimming in the brown liquid. (Mark Thayer is on the stand.) Mark Thayer: Based on that evidence, I can reliably conclude that Joanna Whitson was killed on November 1. Adam Matthews (defense): You're absolutely certain of that timeline? Mark Thayer: Yes. Adam Matthews (defense): Thank you. No further questions. Judge Witherspoon: Your witness. ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: We have no questions for Dr. Thayer. But I now call to the stand Dr. Gil Grissom as a rebuttal expert witness. Judge Witherspoon: Dr. Thayer, you're dismissed. Dr. Grissom, please approach the stand to be sworn in. (Mark Thayer leaves the stand. Grissom stands up and walks over to the stand.) Bailiff: Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help you God? Grissom: I certainly do. Judge Witherspoon: You may be seated. ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: Dr. Grissom, you've had a chance to review Dr. Thayer's tape and associated evidence, is that correct? Grissom: Yes. ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: Do you agree with his finding that Joanna Whitson was murdered fifteen days before her body was discovered? Grissom: No. ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: Can you please elaborate? Grissom: Our crime lab analyzed fly larvae that was taken from the pig used by Dr. Thayer in his demonstration. Apparently, they digested dimethyldithiophosphate and t-mulz light aromatic. ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: A toxin commonly known as malathion? Grissom: Yes. I believe the malathion was sprayed onto the pig's skin. (Quick flashback to: Malathion is sprayed on the dead pig. End of flashback.) ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: How would malathion affect a fly's life cycle? Grissom: It would delay the time it takes for puparia to appear. Specifically, the malathion would delay oviposition. ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: Oviposition? Grissom: Laying eggs. Without malathion, adult flies would immediately lay new eggs on the pig's flesh. But with malathion, oviposition would be delayed up to four days. ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: A four-day delay would mean that Joanna Whitson died on November 4, not November 1, is that correct? Grissom: Yes. ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: Is there any scientific rationale for spraying a pig with malathion before documenting a fly's life cycle? Adam Matthews (defense): Objection. Judge Witherspoon: Overruled. Grissom: The only rationale I can think of would be jury manipulation. Every entomologist knows that early oviposition is undetectable because flies lay their first round of eggs inside body openings. Anyone reviewing the tape would assume that the eggs were being laid, when in fact they were not. If our lab had not tested the larvae for toxins, we would never have known that. Nor would the jury. ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: Thank you. No further questions. Judge Witherspoon: Counselor, your witness. Adam Matthews (defense): Uh, we have no questions at this time. Judge Witherspoon: Oh, in that case, we are adjourned until 9:00 A.M. tomorrow morning. (The judge bangs her gavel. Court is dismissed.) (Grissom steps down from the stand. Mark Thayer stands up to meet with him.) Mark Thayer: I want to talk to you. Grissom: I have nothing to say to you. Mark Thayer: You impugned my character. Grissom: What character? ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: Uh, excuse me, Dr Thayer. Mark Thayer: (annoyed) What the hell do you want? ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: Well, to inform you that you have the right to remain silent. The DA'S filing charges for perjury ... (Jeffrey Sinclair motions for the officers to step forward.) Mark Thayer: (groans) Oh, my God ... ADA Jeffrey Sinclair: ... and obstruction of justice. We won't be accepting a plea. (Mark Thayer turns and glares at Grissom.) Mark Thayer: This is all your fault. Grissom: I hope so. (The officers escort Mark Thayer out of the courtroom.) (Grissom heads for the door. Undersheriff McKeen meets with him.) Undersheriff McKeen: Grissom. Great work up there. Grissom: Actually, the work was done in the lab. Undersheriff McKeen: When I took this job, I heard a lot of things about you. If you ever need a favor, if I can help you in any way ... Grissom: You know Sheriff, you could help me. I'm late delivering my team's personnel evaluations. Undersheriff McKeen: I'll tell Ecklie. He'll backdate your cost-of-living adjustments. Grissom: Thank you. Undersheriff McKeen: So, Grissom, I'm not sure of your ambitions, but if you're interested in taking on more responsibility, maybe a promotion, I'd be glad to pass ... Grissom: (interrupts) You know, Oscar Wilde once said, "Ambition is the last refuge of failure." I'm fine. Thanks. (Smiling, Grissom heads out of the courtroom.)

Plan: A: a young mother; Q: What is the victim? A: the CSIs; Q: Who finds evidence to the contrary? A: evidence; Q: What do the CSIs find that contradicts the suicide theory? A: a homicide investigation; Q: What does the evidence found by the CSIs open up? A: pressure; Q: What is Grissom under from the Sheriff and Ecklie? A: a corrupt entomologist; Q: What kind of entomologist is the CSI team up against? Summary: When a young mother is found dead in what appears to be a suicide, the CSIs find evidence to the contrary, thus opening up a homicide investigation. Meanwhile, Grissom, under pressure from the Sheriff and Ecklie, must disprove the evidence presented by a corrupt entomologist in court.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars ... Lilly cleans a car at the pep squad car wash (from 101 Pilot). VERONICA: God, Lilly, I see the Prozac's working. LILLY: I've got a secret. A good one. Cut to Lilly 's body and a shocked Veronica in Keith' s arms from the same episode. REBECCA: [Offscreen] Socially, it seems to be a bit ... Cut to Rebecca James' office (from 103 "Meet John Smith"). REBECCA: ... isolated. KEITH: I'd say Veronica's doing pretty well, given the circumstances. REBECCA: I know how close she was with Lilly Kane. Cut to dead Lilly appearing to Duncan from the same episode. LILLY: The truth is gonna come out. It does not add up. DUNCAN: Lilly? LILLY: What? You forgot about me already? Duncan jerks himself awake. Cut to Logan, pulling down Weevil's wifebeater to expose her Lilly tattoo and get aggressive (from 107 "The Girl Next Door"). WEEVIL: What are you doing? LOGAN: Why do you have Lilly's name on your arm? WEEVIL: You really wanna know? LOGAN: Yeah, I really wanna know! Cut to Aaron signing autographs outside the gates to his house (from 106 "Return of the Kane"). LYNN: [Offscreen] My husband gets a lot of disturbing ... Cut to Lynn in Keith 's Office (from 110 "An Echolls Family Christmas"). LYNN: ... letters from fans. Cut to Aaron's spotted lover facing his at the Christmas party from the same episode. AARON: I swear, I do not know you. She stabs him, Lynn screams, Logan worriedly paces, Lynn rushes to the fallen Aaron, Veronica watches in disbelief. End previously. Veronica, sitting in a chair, waiting impatiently. Next to her, another student, wearing an MIT sweatshirt, bide his time with the chess board on his lap. It's 8:33 am. VERONICA VOICEOVER: The word is out. Our illustrious Guidance Counselor has received a grant to study the effects of adolescence. She's demanding an audience with each other by Lilly's death. I was going to decline, then I had a thought. There is a concussion outside the office of a pair of boys, or balklavas or ski masks, race past the door of their way down the school hallway. VERONICA: Well there's something you do not see everyday. MIT GUY: Yeah. I can not wait to get out of Neptune. VERONICA: MIT, huh? MIT GUY: Early admission. VERONICA: Bet you're gonna miss this place when you're gone. MIT GUY: Not really. VERONICA: I did not think so. They chuckle as footsteps approach. REBECCA: [Offscreen] Veronica? Rebecca James appears, carrying a file. REBECCA: Sorry to make you wait. Come on in. Cut to Rebecca's office as they enter. Rebecca heads around her desk and Veronica for the chair in front of it. REBECCA: Do you remember when we talked last year, right after Lilly's death? You were ... inconsolable. I'm really hoping that this year, you're able to talk about it. Veronica appears disinterested, concentrating instead on a stapler on Rebecca's desk which she picks up. REBECCA: You know, you're never going to come back with Lilly's death. VERONICA: Wow. I have that exact same flatness-a-day calendar at home. It's how I know beauty comes from within. REBECCA: Look, Veronica, for whatever reason, I do not think you ... so much better, so if you prefer talking with someone else, that ' Veronica, who has been playing with the stapler all over, snaps it shut, Rebecca to pause and sigh. VERONICA: Sorry, that was tough. It's not you. It's the talking. I do not want to talk away my grievance. I want to turn it into something else. Fuel. I know how I'm gonna feel better. Veronica is still fidgeting with the stapler and starts compressing it rapidly. REBECCA: Veronica has a pained expression and shake of her head! VERONICA: [Stops] Yeah. Nervous clothes. Veronica sets the stapler at the edge of the desk. It falls and she bends down. The desk blocks Rebecca's view so she does not see Veronica swap the stapler with an identical one in her bag. Veronica carefully places the new stapler on Rebecca's desk, adjusting its position. REBECCA: So how's it going to find, uh, and I really hate it? VERONICA: I'll find closure when Lilly's killer's rotting away in prison. Rebecca takes that in. Rick pores over some picture proofs. A teacher enters the room and approaches the teacher. STUDENT: Miss Jeffries? He hands a slip of paper, which she reads. MS JEFFRIES: Rick! You're wanted in the office. The student walks over to Rick and sets the slip of paper Rick has an uh-oh face. Cut to Rick in Clemmons office as he sits nervously on a small couch. Sheriff Lamb shut up the door. CLEMMONS: The Sheriff is here- LAMB: Morning, Rick. How's your head this morning, a little bit of a hangover? Lamb pulls up in front of him and gets in his face. Clemmons observes. LAMB: That's nothing compared to your buddy Tim is feeling. Tim had to have a tube put down his throat so they could pump his stomach. He's in a coma, Rick. RICK: [Horrified] Oh my god. LAMB: According to a surveillance tape, your evening ended at 1:30 am when you dropped, and I dropped, an unconscious Tim outside the Neptune Memorial ER. RICK: II did not have a choice. Lamb leans forward Rick's wrist, pushing up his sleeve. Rick has a variety of stamps on forearm. LAMB: Right. Someone must have a gun to your head, do you have a pub crawl? By the way, how did you get into those bars? RICK: We got fake IDs. Lamb holds out his hand, flexing his fingers with a "give" gesture. Rick goes into his pocket, pulls out his wallet and hands over the ID. LAMB: You and half the kids in Neptune. [To Clemmons] These things have been popping up all over the place. The way I see it, they're coming from your school. [To Rick] I think you know who's making the fakes. Rick hesitates. Lamb pats him on the leg and stalls, moving to the side of the room. RICK: Look, Rick. The three of us? We're not leaving this cozy little room until you give me a name. Rick stands and the camera focuses on his mouth as he says ... RICK: Veronica Mars. Lamb looks at Clemmons who nods his head soberly. Cut to lamb and clemmons waiting for you outside Veronica's locker. VERONICA: Sending out the big guns in the morning. I'm flattered. CLEMMONS: Veronica, the Sheriff wants to have a look inside your locker. VERONICA: Race he does. Veronica starts to tumble the combination on her locker VERONICA: Just out of curiosity, what are you gentlemen hoping to find in here? Al Capone? The Lindbergh baby? LAMB: We have reason to believe that you are manufacturing and distributing fake drivers licenses. VERONICA: Ooo, that's a new one. LAMB: It's a second degree felony. VERONICA: Lord knows, I hate to disappoint you ... Veronica sweaters open her locker. A load of blank IDs spill out. Lamb bends down and flicks through them (slight editing wrong in the reverse shot, he's still standing). VERONICA: Wait a minute, those are not mine. Lamb rises with one of the cards in his hand. He smirks. LAMB: I'm gonna need to search your purse as well. Either we can do this here ... VERONICA: [Gasps] Or down at the station? Veronica hands Lamb her bag. He grabs her wallet. Veronica takes a deep breath. Lamb looks through her cards. LAMB: Lilly Kane's driver's license. Driver's license for a twenty two year old Veronica Mars. At San Diego State Student ID. Licensed massage therapist. VERONICA: Oh yeah. Those are mine. Lamb pulls out handcuffs. VERONICA: You really do not have to do that. LAMB: [Really smirking] You're right about that. But I'm going to anyway. CLEMMONS: And Veronica, do not bother coming back to school for the next three days. You're suspended. Veronica is disbelieving but any protest is silenced by the ringing bell and students pouring into the hallway. Lamb is particularly satisfied with the presence of an audience and cuffs her. STUDENT (sounds like CORNY): [Offscreen] You better call your daddy, Mars! Veronica grimaces and nods at the help and advice Lamb leads her forward. LOGAN: [Offscreen] Ah, it's your turn, huh? Ha ha. Veronica is led by Logan who is enjoying the moment and gives her salute. A grinning girl in the crowd takes a snapshot as she passes. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Gosh, I hope they use that shot in the yearbook. Opening credits. Open on Veronica, head on the table, in one of the interrogation rooms at the sheriff's department. Cliff enters, clearing his throat. VERONICA: Know any good lawyers? CLIFF: Very cute. I know a suitable one who just posted your $ 500 lease. VERONICA: They take Diners Club here? Seriously, Cliff, thanks. CLIFF: It's quite all right. It's all part of my full service legal counsel. VERONICA: Is there any way you could not tell my dad about this? CLIFF: Why did not you call him? VERONICA: He's busy chasing a lease jumper in Arizona. CLIFF: Trust me, your dad's gonna find out one way or the other. Besides, I can not help but see you at the Courthouse. Next Tuesday, 9am. VERONICA: So, are we gonna beat this wrap? CLIFF: Well, possession, they've got you pretty cold on that one. The stuff in your wallet is Mickey Mouse. It's the IDs in the locker that they care about. VERONICA: They were blank. CLIFF: Right. So until the coma guy wakes up, the only thing they've gotten to know about this ring ID is the testimony of the other kid. VERONICA: What other kid? CLIFF: Your buddy ... Rick. Cliff points to Rick, just passing the open door behind Veronica. She rises. VERONICA: Excuse me? CLIFF: Hmm. Veronica breeds out of the room and grabs Rick, pushing him against the wall. VERONICA: Howdy, Rick. Do I know you? No. Then why'd you tell Sheriff Lamb I sold you a fake ID? RICK: It's ... it-it's what they told me to say. VERONICA: Who's they? RICK: No way. They're everywhere. They will destroy me. VERONICA: I'll destroy you worse. RICK: I can not talk about it here. VERONICA: Tomorrow in school, we talk. RICK: No! I just- I told you, it's got to be done in secret. VERONICA: Oh, it will be. You'll be hearing from me. Veronica goes to walk away. RICK: I thought you were expelled? Veronica throws back an annoyed look and returns to the interrogation room. Cut to Mars Investigations. Veronica is working on her laptop at the table in front of the small couch. Wallace enters. WALLACE: The Veronica woman. I heard it took place at your school. VERONICA: You must be the only student who does not see my walk of shame in person. WALLACE: I grabbed your books. Veronica her bag. WALLACE: And your homework from the teachers. VERONICA: I need to ask another favor. WALLACE: This mission better involve me seducing the head cheerleader. VERONICA: I need you to poke around and see if you can get me a fake ID. If you must be so cheerleader in order to fulfill your mission, so be it. WALLACE: No sweatshirt. How do I do that? VERONICA: Play on her insecurity. WALLACE: I meant the fake ID part. VERONICA: Okay. Let's pretend for a moment that this mythical head cheerleader of yours has just been asked you out on a date. In exchange for seven minutes in heaven, you have to go to the nightclub in Neptune or at least buy her a pack of strawberry wine coolers. The stakes are high, Wallace Fennell. Think, now. How would you do it? Wallace thinks for a moment on the couch next to her. He puts his arm around his shoulder. WALLACE: [Whispers conspiratorially] Hey, Veronica? VERONICA: Yeah? WALLACE: I need you to get a fake ID so I can get some fake action from a fake cheerleader. VERONICA: Wallace? WALLACE: Yeah? VERONICA: Please find out who else at school is making them. Wallace smiles and nods. Cut to Neptune High. Logan's Xterra yellow pulls into the carpark. Logan turns off the ignition but breaks as he listens to the radio. RADIO: If you're breathing, then you've heard about Aaron Echolls getting ginsued at his own Christmas party. Explain to me why a guy who's married to Lynn Echolls would like to bang the frigging help. It's like the old saying goes, show me a hot chick and I'll show you a guy who's tired of hitting that. Logan is upset and turns off the radio. "All They Ever Do Is Talk" by Earlimart starts up. SONG: If They come in just to meet you With broken words in monotone Just smile and take the picture Nothing hurts it's gone up to My New Year's Resolution Talk. Year 09er knocks on his window. 09ER: Logan! LOGAN: [Shaky] Yeah. Be right there. The 09er wanders off while Logan tries to compose himself. Cut to Logan entering the school, heading for his locker. Students stare at him. Cut to Logan's locker where newspaper and magazine clippings about Aaron, Lynn and Aaron's attacker from 110 "An Echolls Family Christmas" have been pastes. Hector, the biker, is one of a number of students crowded around the locker, reading them. Students point as he gets his locker. Hector is too engrossed in his reading. Logan sees the clippings, then looks at Hector. HECTOR: In my humble opinion, your mom's totally hotter. LOGAN: You shut the hell up. Logan grabs Hector's shirt and they grapple as Logan throws him against the lockers on the other side, then steps back. HECTOR: Big mistake, sound. Hector lunges towards him and knees in the snout, facelift Logan off his feet. Hector then punches him in the face, sending crashing into the lockers. Hector does his hyena laugh, pointing at Logan. Logan rolls off the locker and runs Hector back into the opposite lockers The gym teacher from 108 "Like a Virgin" has Logan. GYM TEACHER: Break it up! Break it up. LOGAN: Get off! GYM TEACHER: It's enough. Logan struggles for a moment, then holds up his hands. Earlimart finishes and there is a cut to Weevil sitting opposite Rebecca in her office. WEEVIL: To tell you the truth, II ... I really do not remember that week. REBECCA: Hmm. You do not remember being in this office? You slammed the flesh against the wall, Eli. The last time that we put it that Lilly's death had a deep way. WEEVIL: Well, yeah. I was mad. You know, the same day Lilly Kane died, a little girl went missing in my neighborhood. They found her body three months later. Where were the cameras when she went missing, where was the grievance counselling for her? REBECCA: What happened to Marisol Reyes, Eli, was a tragedy. People do care ... Having panned down to the stapler on Rebecca's desk, the scene cuts to Veronica tuning in her radio until she picks up the transmission from the bug in the stapler. The car is covered with a blue tarpaulin and Veronica is bathed in its blue light. She sits back to listen. REBECCA: [Offscreen] ... Right now Lilly, okay. WEEVIL: [Offscreen] Oh, well then, why do not you call some of your rich, white friends in here? REBECCA: [Offscreen] I want you to listen to something. Cut back to Rebecca's office. REBECCA: It's a letter you wrote. [Reads] You tore my heart out. You can not stop at nothing but you, but you can not stop me from loving yourself. For the rest of your life, wherever you go, I'll always be there, just out of sight, in the shadows. WEEVIL: You know, I do not remember cc'ing you on that. REBECCA: Lilly wanted to be part of your class last year, she was having trouble with a boy. She gave me these to prove it. Weevil shakes his head. WEEVIL: I never would have hurt her. Look, the cops already rubbed my nose in those letters so what-what ... Cut to the shocked face of Veronica. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Lilly and Weevil? REBECCA: [Offscreen] Look, Eli, I did not bring you in here to embarrass you. Cut back to Rebecca's office. REBECCA: I asked you why these things. WEEVIL: Her and Logan had just broken up. And uh, Lilly sweetheart, it's a nightmare! [Tearfully] And ... she was someone I could have loved, you know? And she felt it too, I know she did. Rebecca Gases at him sympathetically. Cut to Veronica who shakes her head. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Why did not Lilly tell about him? Was weevil her big secret? Cut to the outside area of ​​the school. A cell rings. Rick answers. RICK: Hello? Cut to Veronica, still in her car. VERONICA: Back parking lot, fourth row. Cut to the parking lot as Rick looks for Veronica. One of the cars is covered in blue tarpaulin. Rick still has his cell to his ear. The scene cuts between him and Veronica. RICK: Where are you? VERONICA: Is anyone watching you? RICK: No, I do not think so. Veronica disconnects the phone and opens the door. Rick is surprised to see the tarpaulin move to Veronica's voice. VERONICA: Slide on in. Rick does and joins Veronica in the car, sitting in the back seat. Veronica shuts the door and turns to face him. VERONICA: So where were we? Right! Who framed me? RICK: They're called the Tritons. It's a secret society at school. VERONICA: Why have not I heard of them? [Breaks] Stupid question. Keep going. RICK: [Sighs heavily] The Tritons have been around as long as Neptune High. Six new members are inducted in junior year by the six seniors. Tim and I were among their pledges. VERONICA: Who's in charge? RICK: No one knows for sure who the brothers are. VERONICA: Then who invited you to join? RICK: Two weeks ago, I found a note in my locker. Flashback to Rick arriving at his bottom locker. He is a small envelope with a shell symbol on the front. Cut back to Veronica's car. VERONICA: So this was all part of a hazing ritual? RICK: The twelve plows. The first few challenges were not so bad. But on Friday when I opened my locker, I found a fake ID with my yearbook picture on it. The instructions said we were supposed to go to a bunch of bars and have a shot at each of 'em. VERONICA: Let me guess. Twelve? RICK: Tim passed out at the eleventh. All the other pledges freaked out and left me to take care of him so much. VERONICA: If they're so secret, how do you know all this? RICK: My dad was a Triton. So were my two older brothers. Flashback to the journalism class. Clemmons office is placed next to him, folded. On the back, with the symbol of a shell conch, is written: Blame Veronica Mars. RICK: [Offscreen] All I have been staying at. Cut back to Veronica's car. RICK: If they found out that I betrayed their secrets, let's just say I'd be better off in jail. These guys will destroy your life, it's their mission statement. VERONICA: So that's your defense? That you were just following orders? [She makes a 'wrong answer' buzzer sound] That does not cut it, Rick. RICK: I know that now and I'm sorry. You've gotta believe me. After what they did to Tim? And now his family's threatening to sue me. I can not even talk to my own dad about it. He calls me a coward and a traitor for what I did. But how can I belong to my favorite friend? All I want now is for the Tritons to go down. VERONICA: So, who are the other pledges? RICK: Anyone who's anyone. The Tritons supposedly the best guys in everything: academics, sports ... they're pretty much the six guys you'd expect. VERONICA: I want their names. RICK: Harry Diddon, Steve Argo, Matt Barron, Duncan Kane. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So if I follow Duncan, I can find the Tritons. Cut to Veronica planting a tracker on Duncan's car. Cut to Logan waiting outside the school administration office. Aaron can be seen inside, talking to Clemmons. Logan is flexing and shaking his right hand. Aaron exits the office. AARON: [To Clemmons] Thanks, I appreciate it. Logan, let's go. Logan stands and walks briskly with his father. LOGAN: How long did I get? AARON: You're not being suspended. The Vice Principal is here on Friday for a disciplinary conference. They reach the outside. AARON: Listen. I'm not happy that you've been fighting but I'm proud of you for sticking up for your mother. Logan pulls up to a stop. LOGAN: [Contemptuously] You're proud of me! AARON: Yeah. LOGAN: Oh great. Good. I can die happy. Logan turns to walk Aaron grabs his arm and jerks back to him, Aaron's other hand on Logan's shoulder. AARON: You keep smarting off and I'll help arrange it. Logan looks beyond Aaron and eases off any reaction. Lynn, smiling, approaches them. LYNN: Is everything okay? Cut to Mars Investigations. Cliff is sitting at Veronica's desk with his feet up, reading the newspaper, the "Neptune Register". Veronica enters. VERONICA: Sorry Cliff, I'm late. Cliff subtly jerks his head back and widens his eyes, nodding towards the small kitchen as Keith enters from it. Veronica turns and sees her father. VERONICA: Hi, Dad. Their case is fuzzy and circumstantial. KEITH: [Laughs] You know the odd thing? Those were also very first words. VERONICA: I think I've got a good lead on who's making the fake IDs. It's a secret society at school called the Tritons. Rick told me that he was bullied into turning me in. I'm positive they're the ones who set the blanks in my locker. KEITH: Look, Veronica. The criminal case is the least of our problems. CLIFF: Tim's parents are suing. VERONICA: Us? CLIFF: And pretty much everyone else involved in their night of debauchery. Every bar in town is gonna be named in the following. The thing could be worth millions. Veronica is abashed as the two men stare down at her. Cut to later at Mars Investigations. Keith is lying on the small couch. Aaron enters carrying a stack of magazines. KEITH: Aaron! Come on in. AARON: Thank you. KEITH: So, how's it going? Do you need anything? AARON: Uh ... yeah, some water would be good. Keith goes to the kitchen as Aaron eases himself painfully down onto the couch. AARON: So, I, uh, I guess I should have canceled that party after all, huh? Keith, retuning with a bottle of water, smiles and sits down next to him. Aaron takes a couple of tablets and downs them with a swig of the water. KEITH: So. How do you hangin 'in. AARON: Hmm. This [pointing to his side] I can not do it [pushing the magazines towards Keith] ... I've been trying to regain my family's trust. Keith picks up one of the magazines, "Strike". Two small headlines at the top read: Drugs & Booze - Lindsey living debauched lifestyle with drug & alcohol orgies - Friends say Imminent Rehab and Worth $ 15M ?! Studio execs guarantee Crinkshaw highest contract in movie history - Wasted Money? We are accompanied by small headshots of the subjects. Victoria Fletcher - Getting Hotter and Hotter. But the main picture is Aaron under the headline: Two-Timing Aaron! AARON: And I meant what I said when I told you that I was going to give it all ... but these stories. I mean they're tearing my family apart. My daughter Trina's the only one who will talk to me anymore. I can not blame Logan or his mother, I just ... KEITH: Any idea who could know such intimate details about you? AARON: Paparazzi. But then again they would have printed the stories right away. Someone on my staff? KEITH: Jealous boyfriend or husband? AARON: That's a possibility. KEITH: Well, let me dig around. AARON: Listen. My wife's really fragile. I do not know how much more scandal she can take. KEITH: Let me see what I can do. Keith squeezes Aaron's arm in comfort. Cut to Veronica at home, curled up on the couch, reading a book. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Triton, sound of Neptune, the god of the sea Triton commands the dark waters and all creatures within. There is an illustration showing Triton using a conch shell as a horn. Veronica looks up to the knock on the door, immediately followed by Wallace. WALLACE: Trick or treat. VERONICA: What's the news? WALLACE: Nobody is talking about everything about fake IDs. Veronica gives a big sigh of frustration. WALLACE: But then, this afternoon, a kid from my biology class comes into Sac'n'Pac, buys a six pack from my boss, like it was no problem. VERONICA: Did you figure out where he got his fake? WALLACE: Slow down. This is my story. Follow me to the parking lot and I was like "Yo, fella, check it out." You're on "Candid Camera" Wallace replicates his pointing out cameras and Veronica laughs. WALLACE: Gave him the four-on-one on our video playback capabilities, you know, leaned on him. Like I was Shaft or somethin '. VERONICA: Shut yo 'mouth! WALLACE: Long story short- VERONICA: Ha! WALLACE: The guy is asking for a mystery locker at school. VERONICA: Ooo, I like it already. WALLACE: Here's how it works. One of your first two things in the morning. Come in, brand spanking new license that says you were born in 1983 arrives in your locker. VERONICA: Are you willing to put $ 250 into some strange locker just to see if this works? WALLACE: Hell, no. I'm using your money. Veronica snorts. Cut to a janitor polishing the hallway at Neptune High, outside the administration office. On the floor is a circle. The outer part is green and has the words "Neptune Pirates". The inner circle has a representation of water. Over both, a compass star is set and at it very center, is a symbol, small and hard to see. Veronica walks up the hallway and stops, looking down at it. VERONICA VOICEOVER: How many times did I walk through the main hallway? And how many times have we not noticed that our school insignia includes Trinton's conch shell. Veronica looks over at the janitor who disappears around a corner. She heads for the glass cabinet next to the school administration office, and unlocks it. VERONICA VOICEOVER: According to Wallace, one-ten locker is not assigned to anyone in school. If it is possible to provide a fake ID, it is possible to have one of these locks. This is made tougher, though not impossible, by my suspension. Veronica rearranges the existing display to the bottom shelf. She places a new banner at the back of the bottom shelf: The camera see what the eye so often misses. - To Adams. She then sets out a number of cameras, one of which focuses on one-ten locker. She sets the camera to continuous and then time-lapse movie at 30s intervals. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Then Wallace will drop the two fifty in the mystery locker. Cut to Wallace doing just that. Cut to Rebecca's office. The door opens and she looks up. REBECCA: Thanks for coming in, Logan. The camera pans round Logan, entering her office. LOGAN: Thanks for getting me out of a calculus class, Becky. REBECCA: It's Miss James please. Cut to Veronica at her listening post in the car. She is up and pays close attention. LOGAN: [Offscreen] So the week Lilly died would have been our second anniversary. Cut back to Rebecca's office where Logan is now seated opposite her. LOGAN: We were together since junior high. REBECCA: Off and on? LOGAN: [Softly] Yeah, off and on. REBECCA: And at the time of her murder you were- LOGAN: [Sharply] Off! [More calmly] Temporarily. REBECCA: Why were you broken up? LOGAN: Uh, we were supposed to go to this party. And, uh, Lilly was pissed at me for something, [laughing without humor] I can not remember what, you know. And, uh ... Lilly stands me up. I'm going to get f*cked and f*cked [sighs] REBECCA: And Lilly! LOGAN: Nope, someone else did. You must know her. Word is you're real close with her dad. You could do better. REBECCA: You need to leave my personal life out of this, Logan. LOGAN: [Sarcastically] Yeah, let's not get this. REBECCA: You know what, it sounds like you blame Veronica. LOGAN: You know Veronica was my friend too. Cut back to Veronica, looking stunned. LOGAN: [Offscreen] And if she had not written to me ... Cut back to Logan. LOGAN: ... then Lilly and I would have stayed together. [Voice breaking] And Lilly would not have been alone that day. I would have been there. So, yeah, I blame Veronica. [Breaks, then lets out a deep breath] And I blame myself for being stupid and I blame Lilly for being a bitch that week. REBECCA: You know there is another one, Logan. If you'd be together, you might be dead too. Logan laughs mirthlessly. LOGAN: And what is so great about living. Cut to Veronica pondering what she has heard. Cut to a tracker. It's on Veronica's laptop. She is sitting at her desk at home. Wallace knocks and enters her room. Veronica does not look up. VERONICA Hey, Wallace. How was practice? WALLACE: [Excitedly] I was on fire out there. Three point line, hand in my face, fade away like Jordan! Boom! Wallace accompanies this action with the action of the basketball court Veronica is aiming at the computer. VERONICA: Great. WALLACE: 'Race you're not listening to I say. So I might have said, "blah blah blah, blah, blabbity blah blah." VERONICA: Mm-hm. How'd you like to go on a little field trip? Duncan's on the move and if we hurry, WALLACE: Actually, I planned on hitting a few bars. I found this little beauty in my locker after seventh period. Wallace holds out an ID card. This gets Veronica's attention and she jumps up to grab it. VERONICA: Let me see that. Veronica examines it and pulls a face. VERONICA: The ink is bleeding at the edges, the hologram is missing and the peering closely ... the photo ... is your yearbook picture, Wallace? WALLACE: So what? VERONICA: So this is a $ 250 piece of crap. Now I'm not just falsely accused, I'm genuinely offended. Cut to Veronica and Wallace coming down the stairs into a club. VERONICA: All right, all I've heard, these guys are bad news, so I want you to be careful. They can hear someone singing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot", very badly. WALLACE: [Teasing in a little boy voice] I'm afraid, Veronica! I'm afraid! Veronica shakes her head at him and steps forward into the body of the club. The singer is Duncan. DUNCAN: [Singing off key] Swing low, sweet trolley Coming for home. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I'm sure the Triton Leaders consider this initiation painful for their pledges but honestly, are not we the true victims? Duncan finishes and comes off the karaoke stage amidst boos. Three judges hold up scores; a two and two threes. Duncan walks straight into Veronica. VERONICA: Nice performance, Duncan. I was wondering if you could introduce me to a few of your Triton buddies. DUNCAN: Brawny gods just flocked up to quiz and vex him. VERONICA: If you could just tell me who's in charge then I can [Veronica pulls him round as he tries to pass her] personally thank you for putting fake IDs in my locker and getting me off to the sheriff's department. DUNCAN: Quick wafting zephyrs vex bold Jim, I ... VERONICA: That's very illuminating. Forget about me for a second. Tell me about Sunday night, you know that the Tritons are responsible for putting a kid in the hospital, right? Duncan shakes his head. VERONICA: Tim is in a coma right now because of your secret club forced him to do. Can you live with that, Duncan? DUNCAN: The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog, I ... VERONICA: Ugh. Veronica walks away from him in disgust to the strained version of "On Top of Old Smokey" coming from the stage. Wallace follows. Duncan lets out a sigh of relief. Later, Wallace and Veronica are sitting on stools at a raised table. An even worse singer is massacring "The Hokey Pokey". VERONICA: Let's get out of here. This is going nowhere. Wallace spots Duncan coming towards them. WALLACE: Heads up. Looks like your boy's having second thoughts. Duncan gets them. VERONICA: Are you ready to talk? He does not know how to do it. He leaves as Veronica reads the note. VERONICA: The judges hold the vital scores. You shall hear my voice once I've heard your. The Great Triton. She looks up quizzically at Wallace but he is too happy with the karaoke singer who is just finishing to the sound of boos. KARAOKE SINGER: Aw, what's up? What's up? He shrugs and leaves the stage. The master of ceremonies steps up. MC: Next up we have ... Veronica Mars! Veronica's eyes widen with shock. The MC puts his hand on his eyes to the face of the crowd. "Sing" with increasing insistence, stamping their feet and pounding tables. Veronica looks at the note again, then back at the stage. Finally she goes to the stage and whispers in the MC's ear. The crowd clap in anticipation. The opening of Blondie's "One Way or Another" rings out. VERONICA: This song goes out to my friends in the Tritons. Wallace gives her two thumbs up from the crowd VERONICA: [Singing] One way or another I'm gonna get ya I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha One way or another I'm gonna win ya I'll getcha, I'll getcha One way or another I'm gonna see ya I'm gonna meetcha, meetcha, meetcha, meetcha. One day, maybe next week I'm gonna meetcha. I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha. I'll walk down the mall, stand over by the wall Where do you come from, find out who is there? getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha Getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha One way or another I'm gonna getcha, I'll getcha I'll getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha One way or another I'm gonna getcha, I 'll getcha I'll getcha, getcha, getcha, The crowd goes crazy, particularly Wallace and the judges give her nines and tens. Duncan beams. VERONICA: Thank you. She hands the mike to the MC who gives her another note. She heads back to Wallace. MC: Let's go for Veronica Mars! WALLACE: Nice job, see you in the bathroom - Alone. She whips rounds and heads for the bathroom. The room is baroque with candles and graffiti. She approaches closed stalls. [SCENE_BREAK] VERONICA: Hello? VOICE FROM THE STALLS: The Great Triton is listening. VERONICA: I wanna know why you've got those IDs in my locker. VOICE FROM THE STALLS: The Great Triton did it to you because it's great. VERONICA: Yeah, you're a real pal unless you need a ride to the hospital. VOICE FROM THE STALLS: The Great Triton ... does not really know what you're talking about. Veronica kicks open the stall door. Inside, a boy is sitting on the toilet. He looks taken aback. VERONICA: Who are you? JEFF: Jeff. VERONICA: What are you doing in here? JEFF: Some dude, he gave me twenty bucks. He said he wanted to be a prank on one of his friends. Jeff clicks his fingers and grins. Veronica spins on her heel, fed up, and closes the door on him, leaving the bathroom. Cut to Veronica picking the lock on the glass cabinet at Neptune High. She retrieves the digital movie from the camera. Cut to her exiting the school. Rick runs after her. RICK: Veronica! They found out. I do not know how they are here I've been talking to you. VERONICA: Easy! What happened? RICK: Last night, there was a knock on the door. When I opened it, I found a rat. They nailed the thing alive to the front door. VERONICA: Pull it together, Rick. We've a seven figure lawsuit to worry about. There's no doing this thing halfway. We have to make sure what happens to Tim never happens again. Rick backs away from her, all scared. Cut to Rebecca's office. Duncan knocks on her open door, then enters, closing the door behind him. REBECCA: You missed our last three appointments. DUNCAN: I'm sorry. I've been buried. Thanks for waiting around for me. Veronica, listening in the car. DUNCAN: [Offscreen] Lilly used to make this face when my mom was doing it. Cut back to Rebecca's office. DUNCAN: So I-I'd try to look at her goal I could like, feel her making the face at me. And that's what it's like, all the time. I think she's watching me. It's like whenever I do anything, II can feel her there and she can see me. It-it's like I'm never, ever alone. I sound like a total psycho. REBECCA: You sound like someone who lost his sister. DUNCAN: [Smile] And his mind. REBECCA: How long have you been feeling like this? DUNCAN: Since I stopped taking my meds. REBECCA: Uh, does your doctor know about this? Duncan chuckles and barely nods at Rebecca's concerned query. REBECCA: Have you had any episodes? DUNCAN: Oh, I only stopped the anti-depressant. I'm still taking the old stand-bys. Cut to Veronica with furrowed brow. VERONICA VOICEOVER: What kind of episodes? DUNCAN: [Offscreen] I'm not stupid. VERONICA VOICEOVER: What kind of medication? REBECCA: [Offscreen] It does explain a lot. Cut back to Rebecca's office. REBECCA: The medication ... calmed you. Maybe even prohibited you from fully processing your sister's death. You know, all that has been suppressed for the past year, maybe it's ... finally making it's way to the surface. [Off Duncan's confused look] What, you do not agree? DUNCAN: I do not know. I think she's mad that I do not remember. REBECCA: Are you starting to forget about Lilly? DUNCAN: Oh, I remember Lilly. II just do not remember what happened. I remember being at soccer practice that morning. Then I was in the back of a limo and ... it was three days later and Lilly was dead an-and all that time in between was just ... gone. Cut back to Veronica as it is a sharp rap through the tarpaulin. Veronica is peeved. VERONICA: Are not you forgetting something, Wallace? The secret knock? The tarpaulin is jerked away by three of the robed and hooded figures who writes open the door and grab Veronica. VERONICA: Hey! Hey! Cut to black pitch and the sound of Veronica struggling. A faint light shows her wriggle her hands free from the rope that binds them and she looks around. She is lying in an enclosed space. She pulls her cell out of her pocket and punches a number, breathing heavily. VERONICA: Hey, Wallace, whatcha doin '? [Pauses to listen] Uh-huh. No, I have not seen that one. i> [Pauses to listen with impatience] Yes, Dave Chapel is great. Listen, the real reason I'm calling? Funny story .... Cut to the exterior of the LeBaron's boot where the keys are in the lock. Cut to Veronica with breathing is labored, stuck inside. Cut to an overhead shot of the LeBaron with the tarpaulin on the ground and the driver's door wide open. Cut to Veronica again and then outside as Wallace arrives and opens the boot. Veronica climbs out. VERONICA: Thanks, Wallace. She grabs the keys from him and races to the driver's side. WALLACE: Uh, Veronica? I'm assuming you did not accidentally lock yourself in the trunk? VERONICA: [Getting into the car] I'll tell you later, Wallace. Right now Duncan and figure out where the Tritons are meeting tonight. Wallace climbs in the passenger seat as Veronica puts the key in the ignition. As soon as she comes on the radio, she can hear chanting. TRITONS: Triton. His of Neptune. Rise up from the dark sea wine. Cut to the stapler on Rebecca's desk, then to Veronica, creeping round the corner of the school hallway. TRITONS: Oh great one. With your horn, we summon you from beneath the terrible waves. With your horn, we summon your awesome powers. With your horn, we summon your unrivaled wisdom. Veronica creeps closer to the scene of action which is the emblem on the floor outside the school administration office. Six initiates in white dresses are kneeling on the edge of the outer circle while one of the seniors in a green dress blows a conch shell. The other seniors, also in green dresses, stand behind the initiates. SHELL-BLOWING TRITON: Congratulations. When you started this journey twelve days ago, you were told that it would be perilous. I am happy to say that this year, all the pledges have passed the Great Triton's test. VERONICA VOICEOVER: [Against more chanting] Oh yeah? Except for kid who almost drank himself to death. And the kid that you almost scared to death. SHELL-BLOWING TRITON: Tritons as your brothers. The Tritons remove their hoods. Duncan is one of the initiates and the shell-blowing Triton is the MIT Veronica guy sat next to the school administration office. Veronica gets her camera ready as Duncan and the MIT guy shake hands. Veronica walks into position. VERONICA: Hi everybody! Say repressed homosexuality. Veronica takes pictures of the shocked Tritons. VERONICA: Gotta boogie! Veronica runs and the Tritons, somewhat encumbered by their dresses, race after her. They chase her through the halls and out of the school, where the LeBaron is waiting. Veronica runs up and down the carriage and Wallace peels away, leaving the Tritons standing. Cut to Veronica's bedroom. WALLACE: [Thrilled] Man! Did you see me lay rubber in that LeBaron? VERONICA: Do not get carried away. [Sitting at her laptop] All right. Tritons are the ones operating the mystery locker. Match one of their faces in these shots with the frame of whoever picked up the two-fifty for your fake ID. Piece of cake. Cut to sometime later. Veronica is still working, pulling up photos. Wallace appears to have crashed out on the floor with his back against the wardrobe. Veronica watches the time-lapse of the camera trained on locker one-ten. VERONICA: This does not make sense. Someone had to open that locker. How else could they have gotten the money? How else could they have gotten Wallace's name? WALLACE: [Raising his head] Veronica, I'm still here, you know? VERONICA: One-ten is a top locker, right? WALLACE: Yeah. VERONICA: No one goes near it. [Comprehension dawns] I know how it went down. WALLACE: Great. Can I go home? Cut to Keith slamming. Aaron is behind Keith. KEITH: Aaron, thanks for stopping by. AARON: No problem, I'm gotta be at school for a parent conference. You were on the way. KEITH: I found out who's been selling the pictures. You're not gonna like it. AARON: It could not get much worse than it already is. Keith's expression suggests otherwise. Cut to Veronica entering Lamb's office at the Sheriff's Department. She is carrying a large box of donuts. LAMB: Your short date is not until next Tuesday, right? VERONICA: We might as well go ahead and cancel while while I'm here. LAMB: [Sniffs] Really? Why's that? VERONICA: Well I thought, for a change, you might be interested in having the real criminal stand trial. [Shrugs] In the meantime, I'm gonna have a seat in your living room, [waves a magazine] learn how to turn men into a new way of walking and wait for the bad guy. Veronica plops herself in an armchair in the corner of Lamb's office. LAMB: I do not have time for your games. VERONICA: And I do not have time to go wrong with a government issued document if I'm stuck here in your office. I'll make you a little deal, Lamb. [Rises and walks towards him] If I do not deliver the person who is in the hospital. at me. LAMB: [Sighs] What do I have to do? VERONICA: Just pick a name. [Getting out the yearbook] Write the name of any student on this post-it, put it in the envelope and have one of your minions drop it to locker one-ten. By the end of the day, that kid'll have a fake ID and you'll have a crook. And I'll be sittin 'over here, chillin' like a villain. Veronica returns to the armchair and makes herself comfortable, flicking through her magazine. Lamb chooses a name from the yearbook and writes it on the post-it. He exits the office after giving her a long look. When he's gone, Veronica punches a number into her cell. VERONICA: Hey, Rick. I'm down at the Sheriff's office. Hey, they're in the real bad guy this afternoon. Oh, and I found out who the Tritons are. You do not want to miss it. I'm going to nail 'em to the wall. Cut to the bench under the glass display cabinet outside the school administration office at Neptune High. Logan and Lynn are sitting, waiting. Aaron arrives and joins them, Logan sitting in the middle. AARON: [Casually] So ... [sitting] What was the plan? Lynn knows she is busted. AARON: Embarrass me? Destroy my career? Soften up public feeling for a generous divorce settlement? Turn me into Costner? LYNN: Course, you'd think of your career and your money before you'd think of the obvious. Did it ever happen to you, did you hurt me? Logan, devastated, sits between them, staring at each of them, and the floor, in turn. AARON: You had private detectives following me. LYNN: Only on location. The women here I've always known. LOGAN: [Sarcastic but with breaking voice] Gosh, Mom. Gee, Dad. Will I be going to live with Grandma? AARON: Listen to me. If you try to divorce me, I will leave you with nothing. No house. No career. No club memberships. No maid and no friends- LOGAN: [Explodes and threatens] Right, Dad! You say another word to her and I will kill you. LYNN: I can not take this anymore. Lynn gets up and storms off. Aaron follows, leaving Logan gutted. Cut to a California flat license: ECHOLLS2. Lynn gets into her car, a red sporty number. She shakily grabs a plastic bottle of pills from her handbag. She takes some thrills and throws the bottle onto the passenger seat. She starts the car and races off. Cut to Lamb's office. Veronica is still lounging in the flesh. LAMB: The thing about a felony load is, it does not get off your record just because you turn eighteen. It's like this black eye that you have the whole rest of your life. VERONICA: Ooo. Veronica tears something out of the magazine as Rick arrives and knocks on Lamb's open office door and enters. RICK: Is he here yet? Veronica gets up from the flesh. VERONICA: He just arrived. Deputy Sacks enters. SACKS: Uh, it's just like she said. Found the fake in his locker. Sacks hands an ID to Lamb who examines it. VERONICA: Process of elimination. I did not do it. Rick looks from Veronica to the Sheriff. RICK: What, me? Are you crazy? VERONICA: How else do you explain the two fifty in your wallet? LAMB: Cough it up. RICK: [Getting out of his wallet] Big deal, this money's mine. It does not prove anything. VERONICA: Why do not you take a closer look at the one on top. Lamb grabs the money Rick has pulled from his wallet. VERONICA: Read what's written over Grant's head. LAMB: [Reads] Veronica Mars is ... smarter than me. VERONICA: [Grinning and slapping his arm] Oh, you stop it! LAMB: So this is Rick's locker that Deputy Sacks put the envelope in this morning? VERONICA: Not exactly. Flashback to Rick going to his bottom locker. Inside, he is going to the top of the top locker. He grabs the envelope and puts it in his pocket. Cut back to Lamb's Office. VERONICA: The night went to the hospital, he and Rick were using their own fake IDs, buying their own drinks and enjoying the profits of their own fake ID biz. You were never hazed. You tried to blame the Tritons because you were pissed off at them. Your dad and your brother are Tritons but you did not measure up, did you Rick? You were not even invited to join their secret society. Flashback to Rick approaching Veronica's locker and stuffing bland IDs through the slats. VERONICA: [Offscreen] So when you were called into the office, you dumped a bunch of blank IDs and you blamed me. But why me? Cut back to Lamb's Office. VERONICA: Was it just because people would think that I did it? RICK: All right. Since you asked. Last year your dad was hired to track down a hedge fund manager for embezzlement. That was my father. Only the newspapers never mentioned that his company They took our house, they took our cars. Eventually, my parents got a divorce. You must be proud. Veronica drops her head. "Feel So Free" by Ivy starts up. Cut to Veronica approaching Duncan in the car park at Neptune High, as he approaches his car. VERONICA: Hey! Duncan breaks and waits for her to join him. She hands him a folder. VERONICA: These are for you. You look kinda cute in one of them. Surprised but ... cute. SONG: Ask me again I'll take my chances Duncan flicks through them and laughs. VERONICA: Your secret is safe with me. SONG: I do not know how to begin Duncan nods. DUNCAN: I heard that guy Tim came out of his coma. VERONICA: Yeah. SONG: You can not understand I have got no answers VERONICA: [Breaks and sighs] Look, I never should have doubted you, Duncan. SONG: I can not explain where I've been VERONICA: I'm sorry I came after the Tritons. DUNCAN: And who are the Tritons? SONG: I should have known better than Veronica laughs and Duncan grins, patting her affectionately with the folder before getting into his car. SONG: I Should've Known by now I should've Known Better I Should've Known by now VERONICA VOICEOVER: Another hole in Duncan's memory? At least he can joke about it. To pass him in the hallway, you'd never guess that anything was wrong. But I heard it out of his own mouth. So what exactly is your mystery, Duncan? And what other pills are you taking? Veronica reaches and gets into her own car. SONG: And I feel so free Yeah, I feel all right Never thought I'd feel Like I feel tonight Cut to the sound of a helicopter as it circles and gradually pulls away from an abandoned red sports because we have a bridge. RADIO: Dispatch, this is G12 requesting assistance for possible jumper on the Coronado Bridge. The abandoned vehicle is a red Dodge Viper, ECHOLLS 2 flat license blocking the northbound lane. DISPATCH: Roger that, 12. The music swells. End.

Plan: A: Veronica; Q: Who is arrested for selling fake IDs? A: a secret society; Q: What does Veronica suspect members of at Neptune High? A: Aaron; Q: Who hires Keith to find out who is causing him bad publicity? A: a grief counseling session; Q: What does Weevil confess during? A: Lilly; Q: Who did Weevil secretly date? A: Logan; Q: Who did Lilly go back to? A: Lynn; Q: Who does Aaron threaten with a divorce? A: her car; Q: What is shown abandoned on the Coronado Bridge? Summary: When Veronica is arrested for selling fake IDs , she tries to find out who framed her, suspecting members of a secret society at Neptune High. Aaron hires Keith to find out who is causing him bad publicity. Weevil confesses during a grief counseling session that he had secretly dated Lilly, but she had gone back to Logan. Aaron threatens Lynn with a divorce, and her car is later shown abandoned on the Coronado Bridge.

Scene: The university cafeteria. Sheldon: Hold. Raj: What? Sheldon: Explain your sneeze. Raj: I'm sorry? Sheldon: Do you have allergies? Raj: No. Sheldon: Is there too much pepper on your salad? Raj: I don't put pepper on salads. Sheldon: I've heard enough. Sit over there. Raj: Oh, come on. I don't want to sit by myself. Sheldon: That's what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly, her friends buckled. Raj: Guys, help me. Howard: Sheldon, come on. Leonard: Yeah, it's just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes) You're on your own. Howard: See you, buddy. Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment. Leonard: When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right? Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys. Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman? Sheldon: Sarcasm? Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern. Sheldon: For your information, I'll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton. Raj: The cosmological physicist from Princeton? Sheldon: Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We've been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she's under consideration for a position at our university. Leonard: Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers! Sheldon: I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you're a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I've been to Toronto. Leonard: Okay, fine. Where is she going to sleep? Sheldon: My room, of course. Raj: Holy crap! (Through napkin) Holy crap! Howard: Yeah, um, I have a two-part question. Sheldon: Go ahead. Howard: A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me? Sheldon: A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga. Howard: So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed? Sheldon: Yes. Bazinga. Leonard? Leonard: Thank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel? Sheldon: Well, she doesn't care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don't open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one's wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj? Raj: When can I sit with you again? Sheldon: When I've seen two consecutive negative throat cultures spaced 12 hours apart. You know the drill. All right, if you'll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics. Leonard: I can't believe he's friends with Elizabeth Plimpton. Raj: I can't believe they let him into Canada. Howard: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You heard the man. Where's your throat cultures? Kidding. Sit down. Credits sequence Scene: The lobby Penny: Hey, Sheldon. Sheldon: Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype? Penny: What? What are you doing with, what? Sheldon: The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject. Penny: Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads? Sheldon: I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days. Penny: Oh. What? Sheldon: I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel. Penny: Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You're having a woman stay with you? Sheldon: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody? Penny: Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not flabbergasted. I'm puzzled. Yeah, let's go with puzzled. Sheldon: A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber. Penny: Female jibber jabber? Sheldon: Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina. Penny: Oh, they're not my friends. Sheldon: I'm not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: She's here, she's here. How do I look? Do I look smart? Sheldon: Oh, good grief. This isn't about you. Coming! Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention. Years from now, my biographer might ask you about this event. Leonard: Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer. Elizabeth: Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I'd written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn't confuse it with what I'd written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. 'Cause if I tried to go there, I'd be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello. Sheldon: Hello. Elizabeth: Nice to finally meet you in person. Sheldon: I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. Leonard: Hi-lo. Oops. I started to say hi, and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it's nice to meet you. I've read both your books and most of your papers. I'm Leonard, I live here, you're brilliant. Sheldon: I apologize. He's only an experimental physicist. Elizabeth: No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Hi-lo. Leonard: Are you hungry, thirsty? Can I offer you anything? Sheldon: No, she's my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt? Elizabeth: Interesting choices. Based on my current needs, I guess I'd pick the yogurt. Sheldon: Excellent. If the yogurt works, I bought some delightful scented candles. Leonard: Look, it's you. Scene: A little later. Elizabeth: Thank you so much for opening up your home to me. Leonard: Well, who wants to stay in a hotel? With windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys. Elizabeth: I'm so glad you understand. Sheldon: No, he doesn't understand. I understand. Leonard: Well, I understand, too. Sheldon: You're just misappropriating my understanding. Leonard: Oh, (blows a raspberry). I think any university would want you. Except, of course, any university that had already had you. Because they would've already wanted you before they, you know, got you. Sheldon: From the mind that brought you hi-lo. Let me show you to your room. Elizabeth: All right. I guess I am tired. Good night, Leonard. Leonard: Uh, sleep night. I mean, obviously, good night. I started to say sleep tight, then I changed my mind in the middle. I swear to God, I'm smart. Sheldon: Get it together, man. Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. Sheldon: All right, let me show you some of the features of the room. First, windows. Conventional. Open, closed, open, closed, halfway open, or halfway closed, depending on your philosophical bent. Over here is my comic book collection. Feel free to browse. There's a box of disposable reading gloves on the night stand. Elizabeth: Good to know. Sheldon: In here, you'll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive. Elizabeth: What if there's a disaster that destroys all the USB ports? Sheldon: Then there's really no reason to live, is there? Elizabeth: Can I ask a question about your roommate? Sheldon: He's an odd duck, isn't he? Elizabeth: What's his relationship status? Sheldon: Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That's why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you'll find in the bathroom. They're in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes. Elizabeth: Okay. Sheldon: Good. I'll leave you to your night time ablutions. I've e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You'll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It's on the back of the emergency escape route diagram. Elizabeth: How thoughtful. Sheldon: Sleep well, my friend. Elizabeth: You, too. Sheldon: Oh, let me just get one thing. It's my backup emergency supply kit. The living room escape route doesn't pass through here. Now, good night. And if there's an apocalypse, good luck. Scene: Leonard's bedroom. There is a knock on the door. Leonard: Yes? Elizabeth: I saw your light on. Leonard: Is everything all right? Elizabeth: Yeah, I just couldn't sleep. Leonard: Me neither. Oh, look what I'm reading. It's you. Elizabeth: I thought you already read it. Leonard: I did, but it's been a while, and I wanted to sound smart over breakfast. Elizabeth: Aw, you're smart. Leonard: Oh, good. Wasn't sure it was coming across. Elizabeth: What chapter are you on? Leonard: Uh, six. Elizabeth: Oh, the extragalactic distance ladder. Want to know a little secret? Leonard: Sure. Elizabeth: I wrote the section on the Wilson-Bappu Effect completely naked. Leonard: Really? Uh, sure doesn't read that way. Elizabeth: Here, let me show you. When we consider the brightness of pulsating variable stars, we start to see (removes robe) a possible explanation for some of the discrepancies found in Hubble's constant. Leonard: Wow. You really make science come alive. Scene: The living room. Sheldon: Vocal test. Morning vocal test. Second vocal test. Second morning vocal test. Leonard: Morning, Sheldon. Sheldon: Morning. Elizabeth: Morning, Sheldon. Sheldon: Morning. I trust you had a pleasant night. Elizabeth: More than pleasant. Sheldon: Excuse me, I'm going to relieve myself. Leonard: How do you take your coffee? Elizabeth: Black. Leonard: Okeydoke. Sheldon (in bathroom): Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas. Leonard: Something his mother taught him. Sheldon: All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection. Elizabeth: That's very thoughtful, but I think I'll finish my coffee first. Sheldon: Ah, so the yogurt didn't work. I'll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer. Penny: Oh, good, you're up. Look, my car won't start. I need a ride to work. Sheldon: Did you once again ignore your check engine light? Penny: No, Mr. smarty-pants. I ignored the fill gas tank light. Sheldon: Leonard, Penny wants to exploit any residual feelings you have for her in order to get a ride to work. Leonard: Oh, yeah, sure, let me just put this in a travel mug. Penny: Hello. Elizabeth: Hi. Penny: Oh, Penny, this is Dr. Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn't understand the role gasoline plays in the internal combustion engine. Elizabeth: Nice to meet you. Penny: Nice to meet you, too. Are you enjoying your stay? Elizabeth: Yes, very much. Penny: Good. Sheldon: Wonderful. Meaningless pleasantries accomplished. Elizabeth, Leonard's bathroom time is coming up, and believe me, you do not want to follow him. Elizabeth: Excuse me. Leonard: Okay, well, I guess I should get dressed so I can take everyone to work. You and Sheldon and Sheldon's friend, Dr. Plimpton, who you just met. It'll be fun. Like a clown car. Penny: Hang on. Leonard: Hmm? Yeah? What? Huh? Penny: We just broke up. Leonard: What, uh, you and me? Yeah, we did. Not too long ago. How are you doing with it? Penny: Not as good as you apparently. Leonard: I, um, I don't follow. Penny: You know what? It's, it's none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it. Leonard: Well, now... Sheldon: Excuse me. I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do. Penny: I'm not recommending it. I'm saying it already happened. Sheldon: That's preposterous. Tell her, Leonard. Leonard: Well... Sheldon: No. Leonard: Come on. It wasn't my fault. Sheldon: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts? Penny: You know what? I'm just gonna take the bus to work. Leonard: Penny, I can still drive you. Penny: Oh, no, no, it's okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant. Sheldon: I must say, I'm shocked by this betrayal. Leonard: I didn't betray Penny. Sheldon: Not Penny, me! Leonard: How am I betraying you? Sheldon: Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her! Leonard: Yeah, I guess I did. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The cafeteria. Raj drinks from a hip flask. Howard: What the hell are you doing? Raj: Relax, it's Nyquil. Leonard: You still have a cold? Raj: Maybe, but I don't care. That's the great thing about Nyquil, it's like ten-percent booze. I call it the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, so you can talk to girls medicine. Leonard: Are you having trouble sleeping? 'Cause, boy, I was up all night. Raj: Did you get a cold, too? Leonard: No, but I was awake all night. Howard: If you want, I can give you some of my mom's sleeping pills. Raj: She won't notice they're missing? Howard: She doesn't know she takes them. Leonard: No, that's okay. It was something else keeping me up last night. And again this morning. And, I didn't mind. I was up last night. I was up this morning. I didn't mind. Those are your clues. Raj: Ooh, ooh. Did the pigeon on your windowsill have more babies? Leonard: No. Howard: Were you up making another stop-motion Lego movie? Leonard: No. Howard: 'Cause let me tell you, it's not enough to make the Legos move, they also have to capture your heart. Leonard: Okay, I'll give you one more clue. It involved another person. Raj: Did you get a Japanese love pillow? Howard: How is a Japanese love pillow another person? Raj: It is if you love her and give her a name. Sheldon: Dr. Plimpton, I'd like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali Raj: Hi. Sheldon: And not-a-doctor Howard Wolowitz. Howard: Hi. Raj: I'm a big fan of your work. Elizabeth: Thank you. Sheldon: And of course, you've already introduced yourself to Dr. Hofstadter. Leonard: Hey, you. Elizabeth: Hey, you. Leonard: Boy, I'm kind of tuckered out. How are you feeling, Elizabeth? Elizabeth: You know what? I am a little tired. Would you be a dear and get me a cup of coffee? Leonard: Sure. Black, right? Elizabeth: Actually, now I think I want it hot, brown and sweet. Leonard: Coming right up. Scene: Raj's apartment. Raj: What? Howard: What do you mean what? It's Halo night. Raj: I can't. I'm too sick. Go away. Howard: That's why we moved Halo night here. Look, I brought my mom's chicken soup. Raj: I'm not hungry. Elizabeth: Don't send him away. Let him in. Howard: Who's that Raj: I bought a parrot. Howard: Yeah, right. Dr. Plimpton? Elizabeth: Hi. Howard, right? Howard: Uh, yeah. Elizabeth: Can I ask you a question, Howard? Do you like role-playing games? Howard: Yeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master. Elizabeth: Not tonight. Tonight you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but uh-oh, Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you. So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement. Howard: Beg pardon? Elizabeth: You two figure out the details, I'm going to go change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh. Howard: What the frak? Raj: Go away. She wants New Delhi, not Kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend. Howard: We broke up weeks ago. Raj: Why didn't you say anything? Howard: I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time. Leonard: Hey, who's ready for Halo? Raj: Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost! Howard: He's right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is. Leonard: I don't understand. Elizabeth: Oh, good. Leonard's here. Raj: Good? Leonard: Elizabeth? What's going on? Elizabeth: What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don't have enough money to pay any of you. Leonard: Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting? Howard: Yep. Welcome to the Penthouse Forum. Raj: Okay, show of hands. Who's up for this? (Only Howard raises his hand.) Leonard: We'll all be naked in front of each other. Howard: I'm out. Elizabeth: Everybody ready? Raj: Follow my lead. Almost. We're, we're going to go out into the hallway and, uh, make a dramatic entrance. Elizabeth: Oh, good. It's so much better when everyone commits. Raj: Run. Run, run, run. Don't look back. Leonard: I thought we had something special. Raj (locks door): So, you say you can't pay your rent? Scene: The lobby. Penny: Oh, Leonard? Leonard: Hey. Penny: I found these in the dryer. I'm assuming they belong to Sheldon. Leonard: Thanks. It's really hard to find these in his size. So, listen. I've been meaning to talk to you about the other morning. Penny: You mean you and Dr. Slutbunny? Leonard: Yeah, I wanted to explain. Penny: Well, you don't owe me an explanation. Leonard: I don't? Penny: No, you don't. Leonard: So you're not judging me? Penny: Oh, I'm judging you nine ways to Sunday, but you don't owe me an explanation. Leonard: Nevertheless, I'd like to get one on the record so you can understand why I did what I did. Penny: I'm listening. Leonard: She let me.

Plan: A: Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton; Q: Who is the cosmological physicist from Princeton University? A: Sheldon; Q: Who invites Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton to stay at the apartment? A: an immediate interest; Q: What does Elizabeth take in Leonard? A: jealousy; Q: What emotion does Penny feel when Leonard sleeps with Elizabeth? A: very different ideas; Q: What do Leonard and Elizabeth have about the nature of their relationship? A: Raj; Q: Who does Elizabeth sleep with after Leonard? A: Howard; Q: Who has just broken up with Bernadette? Summary: Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton, a cosmological physicist from Princeton University, accepts Sheldon's invitation to stay over at the apartment during her visit to Caltech. However, she instead takes an immediate interest in Leonard, and the two end up sleeping together, inciting jealousy from Penny. However, it quickly becomes clear that Leonard and Elizabeth both have very different ideas about the nature of their relationship, when she sleeps with Raj and tries to convince Leonard and Howard (who has just broken up with Bernadette) to engage in a foursome with them.

Scenes from last episode TEASER At the beachside promenade. Ryan's on his bike. Seth is on his skateboard. They pull up to the Crab Shack and Ryan locks his bike up in the front. Next, they are both kneeling in front of a tank with lobsters inside. Ryan: So, what are we doing in front of this tank? Seth: Ryan, we're like two samurai, really. And we need to have respect for each other before meeting in battle. And eating lobster is a battle, as you will soon learn. (turns to glance at Ryan, then turns back to the tank ) Is that a new shirt? They both stand up. Ryan: (looking down at his shirt) Yeah. Your mom bought me some new clothes. Which she didn't have to do. Seth: (sarcastically) Right. Because we all know you get a lot of mileage out of a tank top. Hey, (turns to Ryan) speaking of which, do you think I could pull of the wife beater? You know, switch up my look? Ryan averts his eyes. Seth gets a clue. Seth: Gotcha. You got your style I got mine. Ryan: Yep. They start walking away. Seth: (making a 'you're dead' gesture with his index finger at the tank, whispering) You're dead. Cut to lobster shells on plates. Ryan: That was amazing. A lot of work, but amazing. Ryan and Seth are sitting at a table with plates full of empty lobster shells. They look satisfied and full. Seth: So, what's going on with you and Marissa? Did you talk to her? Ryan: (sighing) I don't think she wants to talk. Everything with her and her dad is - Seth: Ryan, you know what your problem is? And I speak from experience with *great* authority here - is that you really need to be aggressive, okay? Her and Luke - they're broken up - which means that you need to go after her. Tell her how you feel. It's very easy. Ryan: What do we do? Where do we go? I have no car. No money. A waiter comes up and puts down the bill. Seth pulls his wallet out. Seth: I got it. Threw in a couple of sailing lessons this week. Feeling a little bit flush. Ryan: Not you too. I can't keep doing this. Ever since your parents took me in, they've been like *paying* for everything. I can't keep taking their money. Seth: They're parents. They work for us. Ryan: They're *your* parents. Seth: They're your guardians. It's the same principle. Ryan doesn't look happy. Seth: Okay. What are you going to do for cash then? In the background, plates/dishes are breaking. Guy: Get out of here! (presumably the owner/manager) Ryan and Seth turn to see a guy in a waiter outfit dump a towel in frustration. Another guy: You can't fire me! I quit. The guy leaves. Ryan gives Seth a 'what do you think' look. Seth: Fine. But you're going to hook me up with free lobster. [Opening credits] SCENE 1 At the pool house. Seth: This actually works out good for me. You starting the new job because now... I'm going to have time to do all the stuff that I haven't been able to do since you moved here. Like I'm going to get start my novel. Ryan: (walking by him, dressing) Be back by six. Seth: (looks at his watch) Yeah. I know. It's nine now, which means I'm going to have nine hours of me time. You know what I'm saying? For me, Ryan. I'm going to do stuff like learn Chinese. Study my Talmud. You know what I mean? Sink my teeth into it. Ryan: (grabbing his back pack) You going to be okay? Seth: (taking a deep breath) Yes. Before you moved here, all I did was hang out by myself anyway. So it's really a return to form. SCENE 2 In the Cohen kitchen. Some of the women from the planning committee (see previous episodes such as The Gamble) are setting the table. Tina: Should we not go? Karen: Maybe we could till Julie we're not going and go anyway. G3: You guys, that's too mean. We can't do that. Can we, Kirsten? Kirsten: Absolutely not. We've had this retreat on the books now for months. And Julie's looking forward to it. They sit down. One of the women: And some of us were looking forward to retiring early before her husband stole our money. Ryan and Seth walk in to the adjoining room. Sandy is hiding behind the doorframe, listening to the women talk in the kitchen. Seth: Uh Dad. What are you doing, man? Sandy: (gesturing for Seth to be quiet, whispering) I'm waiting for them to disperse. (Seth tries to look into the kitchen, Sandy stops him) I left my briefcase in there. I - I need to get to work. Ryan: (softly) Well. Go get it. Sandy: And talk to those women? I can't. Kirsten: He didn't steal. It wasn't like - She's our friend. Karen: I can't believe you're defending them. Jimmy Cooper is a thief and a felon. Seth: (mumbling) Those women are obsessed. Sandy: (still softly) Are you kidding? A scandal this big in a town this small? I mean, they'll be dining out on this for months! Tina: What are their kids going to do? I mean. With their father in prison! G3: You think he's going to jail? Tina: I hear ten to twenty. Ryan: (to Sandy) Is that true? Is he going to jail? Sandy: (shrugging) Jimmy Cooper stole a lot of money from a lot of powerful people. Seth: What's Marissa going to do without her dad? The women are still talking in the background. Sandy doesn't look like he has the answer to Seth's question. SCENE 3 In the Cooper house. Julie is dumping magazines/pamphlets into a garbage bin. Julie: I don't want to go. I have to go. Trip's already been paid for. Besides, if I don't show up, those women will spend the entire weekend gossiping about me. She walks around to the couch where Jimmy is sitting, looking at some papers. Jimmy: You're being a little paranoid. Julie: (scoffing) Oh no, I'm not. I'm sure they think I've mastermined this whole debacle. Jimmy: Honey. They're your friends. Julie: Please. They're the gatekeepers of this entire community. The community your daughters and I would like to remain a part of? This is my one chance to go before the firing squad and plead for a stay of execution. (stalks off) Jimmy: Well, I was hoping to be able to talk this weekend. Julie: (stopping) This is your mess, Jimmy. You clean it up. And when I get back, we'll figure out what the hell we're going to tell our girls. (leaves the room) SCENE 4 At the beach. Marissa is in a flowery bikini, sun tanning on a beach chair. Summer is on another beach chair next to Marissa, wearing a red, white polka-dot bikini. Summer: Ugh! I'm totally crispy. (sighs) Let's go do something. Shopping? Get exfoliated? Anything. Marissa: And I'll pay for it how? I mean, my dad's credit card got shut off yesterday. Summer: Well, what about Luke? I mean, he could pay for you. He *is* your boyfriend, right? Marissa: I don't know. (takes a deep breath) We left things kinda up in the air. Summer: You haven't talked to him since Cotillion? Marissa: I haven't talked to anyone. Except you. Pause. Summer: Okay, Coop. This is so not the way to handle this. I mean, you're going to become depressed. And then you're going to need medication. And then you're going to stop feeling like anything. (Marissa levels a look at her) According to my step mom. Marissa: (smiling indulgently) Uh huh. Summer: Come on. Let me buy you lunch. My dad gave me his credit card in case of emergencies. And well, *this* is an emergency. Marissa smiles and they both laugh lightly. Marissa: Okay. SCENE 5 At the Crab Shack. Donnie is walking really fast with Ryan following him. They are both wearing waiter/busboy outfits. Donnie: All right, man. I'm going to give you the run down. They get to a table that hasn't been cleared. Donnie grabs a paper place setting and a napkin. Donnie: This - is garbage. (crumples them up) It belongs - in the garbage. (tosses them into a garbage bin next to them) This. (holds up plates with leftover food on them) Belongs over here. (puts plates in a bin) And uh (rubs his hands together) now for the advance class. (taps Ryan's chest with the back of his hand) Donnie walks up to a woman sitting alone and leans down charmingly with his hands behind his back. Donnie: Hello, Mrs Palmer. How are you today? Would you like another glass of Merlot? Mrs Palmer, a thirty-ish blonde, nods. Donnie and Ryan walk away. Donnie: (quietly to Ryan) Drunk. (picks up a bill) Ryan: Been working here long? Donnie: Oh, man. Too long. Everybody that comes in here is a *freak* show. They like to have thirty-dollar entrées on plastic plates. Sixty-dollar bottles of wine in plastic cups. And their service - with a big smile. (rings up the bill he picked up) Welcome to Newport. Where things only *appear* to be casual. Marissa and Summer walk in. Summer is saying something to Marissa. Donnie: (turning to watch Marissa and Summer walk in) Of course, living here does have its upsides. Marissa stops when she sees Ryan. Summer walks on ahead of her obliviously. Ryan: (to Marissa) Hey. Marissa: Hey. Ryan: First day on the job. Marissa: Oh. Wow. Well, the food here is... really good. They both smile uncomfortably at each other. Ryan: How's your dad? Marissa: He's okay. Ryan: How are you? Marissa shrugs. Summer: (from across the room, really loudly) Coop! Starving? Marissa nods. Ryan: Ah. I should get back to work. Marissa: Right. (starts walking away) Ryan: (really quickly) You want to hang out sometime? Marissa stops. Ryan: (looking nervous) Go out? Marissa: (smiling slightly) Like on a date? Ryan: (too quickly) Not a date. Uh. Just... (like he's trying to find the words to stop sounding stupid) Marissa: I can't. Right now. Ryan: Of course. (looks disappointed) Right. Marissa: But thanks. (tries smiling) See ya. (takes off) Ryan looks as though he wants to kick something. Or himself. SCENE 6 Somewhere in the Cooper/Cohen neighbourhood. Sandy is in his car, pulling up to Jimmy, who is walking the dog. Sandy: Hey, Jimmy. Sandy stops the car. Jimmy stops the dog. Sandy: How's it going? Jimmy: Ah. (scoffs) Never better. Sandy: Listen, I was thinking. How would you like some free legal advice? Jimmy: (a little confused) You want to be my lawyer? How long do you want to send me away for? Sandy: I got way too big an ego for that. Jimmy: Oh. That's true. Sandy: No. I wouldn't be representing you. I've got a friend who is a securities attorney. But I could help you put together the case. Jimmy: (definitely confused) Why would you do that? You don't even like me. Sandy: Well... I'm a public defender. I represent a lot of people I don't like. SCENE 7 At the Crab Shack. Ryan is clearing a table. Summer and Marissa are at a table. Summer: (watching Ryan walk to the kitchen) I wish somebody'd told me he worked here now. Marissa: Why? Summer: (looking nervous and uncomfortable) No reason. (suddenly looks to the door) Oh! What do you know? Luke! What a coincidence! (totally fake with a nervous smile) Marissa: (upset) You invited him? Summer: Got to pee! See ya! (grabs her bag and leaves) Marissa: Wait! Summer! (not loudly so as to not attract attention) Summer gives Luke a little smile as she takes off. Donnie is walking out of the kitchen, carrying two plates. Donnie: (to Luke) Hey, man. Luke just gives him a 'yeah, right' laugh and walks up to the table where Marissa is sitting. Donnie looks upset behind Luke's back. Luke: Hey, babe. Marissa: (smiling weakly) Hey. Luke sits down where Summer was. Donnie: (walking up to Ryan, placing a hand on his back) I hate that kid, man. I - I seriously hate that kid. He walks in here like he owns the place. Let me tell you something, that Abercrombie and Fitch, water polo playing bitch wouldn't last two minutes in Corona. Ryan sits down on a stool and Donnie leans on the counter next to him. Ryan: You from Corona? Donnie: Yeah, man. Ryan: (pointing to himself) Chino. Donnie: (looking at Ryan) Chino? That's a long way from home. That place's no joke, man. At the table, Marissa and Luke are looking uncomfortable. Marissa: So, I'm sorry I haven't called you back. Luke: Ah, no. No worries. We don't have to talk about it. Marissa: Maybe we *should* talk about it. Luke: Why? Talking about stuff's just going to get us all bummed out. Let's just... Let's just *do* something. At the counter. Donnie: Yo, so these Newport kids must make you sick too then. Ryan: Sounds like you're a fan. Donnie: You know, I like to surf. I like the tips. Love the girls. Plus it's not all like this, man. There's - There's some real people around here. Ryan: Yeah? Donnie: I tell you what. After work, I'll show you what I'm talking about. (raises his fist) Cool? Ryan bumps fists with Donnie. Ryan: Cool. (looking kind of tired and unenthused as Donnie walks away) Luke: (leaning forward to Marissa) Holly's beach house. Party. Marissa: (shakes her head) I don't really wanna. Luke: Why not? Marissa: (a little loudly) It's weird! (then softly) I mean her - her dad beat up my dad at my debutant ball. Luke: Yeah, well, you can't blame Holly for that! I mean, your dad stole all their money. Marissa: (looking disgusted, gets up to leave) Nice. She leaves quickly, exchanging a glance with Ryan on the way out. Ryan turns to see Luke glaring at the table. SCENE 8 At the Cohen house. Seth is lying on a lounge chair by the pool. He's listening to a MP3/Minidisc player. He looks like he's dying from boredom. Finally, he removes the earphones and grabs his skateboard. At the Crab Shack. Donnie is counting small stacks of money. Donnie: Normally, we don't tip out the trainees, but uh, you did good, man. Ryan: (taking the cash offered to him) Thanks. Donnie: All right. Now you can buy me a beer. I'm gonna go grab my sweatshirt. (takes off for the back) Ryan: All right. Ryan walks out of the Crab Shack and Seth skates up to him. Seth: Hey! Ryan: What's up? Seth: Craziest thing, uh, just happened. I was in the neighbourhood, checked my watch, it's six o'clock. I figured - come by and celebrate your first day on the job perhaps. Ryan: Yeah... Donnie: (walks up and puts a hand on Ryan's shoulder) So, kid. You ready? Ryan: Yeah. Yeah, actually, I made other plans. This is Donnie. He grew up in the town next to me. Uh, Donnie. Seth. Donnie: (shaking hands with Seth) What's up, man? Seth: Wow. Hey. What's up. Well, then. Wow. You guys must have a lot of catching up to do. Donnie: We got some, uh, some girls we got to catch up with, right? The, uh, the blonde's a dancer. (points to two girls standing some ways off) Seth: Ah, yes. The ladies. I hear ya. Ryan: Well, uh, do you wanna - (turns to Donnie) Donnie, is it cool - Seth: No no no no no no. Please, no. You guys, go. I - Cause I have to. I was going to do stuff. Uhm. But Donnie, hey, it's really good to meet you, man. (shakes Donnie's hand again) Donnie: All right, man. Let's go, son. (takes off to where the girls are) Ryan: Yeah. Seth: See ya. So then, I'll just see you at home. Uh, tomorrow. Or tonight. Or just - I don't know - Just go. Ryan starts walking away and Seth is completely flustered. Ryan: (slowing down) You sure you don't want to - Seth: No. No. Just - (waves him away) Ryan: All right. (waves) Seth: All right. (waves) Have fun. Seth looks lonely on the promenade. He skates off. SCENE 9 At the Cohen house the next morning. Ryan walks into the kitchen where Seth is sitting at the counter. Seth is reading a comic book, determinedly not looking up at Ryan. Ryan picks up a box of cereal from the counter and eats right out of it. Ryan: What are you reading? Seth: The new Legion came out Wednesday. It's part two of five. Ryan: I liked part one. Seth: Yeah. I'll let you borrow it when I'm done. (still not looking up) Ryan is staring at him. Ryan: Thanks. Seth: How was last night? Ryan: Fun. Seth: Cool. (Finally looking up at Ryan) That's cool that, you know, that you met someone that's where you're from. You know - it's just - you know, cool. (he tries waving it off like he doesn't care, then goes back to reading) Seth finishes reading the comic, then closes it and pushes it towards Ryan. He then opens another comic book and proceeds to read it with a lot of focus. SCENE 10 At the beach. Marissa and Summer are in bikinis (different from the day before). Marissa: I mean, I know he's not the most sensitive guy in the world. Summer: No one wants to see you with Luke more than me. But what you're going through right now is gnarly. Luke's a boy. Maybe he can't handle it. They are putting on sun tan lotion. Summer: (looking down at her own shoulder) Is it bad to burn on top of a peel? Marissa: (distracted, then looking briefly at Summer's shoulder) Uh. Yeah. Put thirty on it. Summer: Coop. Your life *will* stabilize. Your parents *will* work it out. Your mom will go away this weekend. They'll miss each other. They'll have make up s*x. Marissa: (laughing) Ew! Summer! Summer: (walking away) It's true! Ryan: Marissa. Marissa turns to see Ryan riding up on his bike. Ryan: Hey. Marissa is looking a little uncomfortable or shy. Ryan: Heading into the office. Marissa: Yeah. Me too. Marissa/Ryan: (talking over one another) You know what / So I was thinking, uh. They both stop talking. Ryan: When I asked if you wanted to hang out, I was asking you out. Marissa: (looking kind of happy) I know. Ryan: I just wanted to clear that up because I'm going to ask you out again. You want to do something tonight? Marissa: Well, I have to baby-sit for Kaitlin. But I will be cooking - macaroni and cheese. It's my specialty. Ryan: So, that's a yes. She nods. Ryan: All right. He walks his bike away. She looks pleased. SCENE 11 Sandy and Jimmy are looking through documents that are spread on the floor, boxes all around them. Jimmy: Won't these costs be covered by chapter eleven? Sandy: Well, filing for bankruptcy isn't going to make this thing go away. The U.S. Attorney's office is involved in this now. They'll push for fraud and unauthorized transactions. Jimmy: Yeah, so, they fine me. And I go back to work. And I make it all back. Sandy: Four million dollars? Unless you plan on going to the track and getting *really* lucky... Jimmy: Look. If you don't want to do this - Sandy: You're going to lose your series seven license. (Jimmy looks stressed) It's really important that you understand the predicament you're in. Jimmy: Look. (fingers at the bridge of his nose, as if he has a really big headache) I get it from my wife every day. My daughters won't talk to me. I got my ass kicked in front of everyone at the most elegant event of the year. I get it. Okay, man. I, I, I definitely understand. Sandy: Well, look. We're both tired. Maybe we should take a break. Go out. Jimmy: Uh. What do you want to do? Sandy: Well, our wives are away for the weekend. We could... Well, what did we do before we got married? SCENE 12 At some resort. The ladies are all in terry cloth robes with sunglasses, sitting on lounge chairs by a pool. Tina: Put that thing away, Kirsten. Kirsten: (messing with her Blackberry) I'm sorry. Put a bid in on a new development. The counter offer is outrageous. Karen: We're here to relax. Just because you have a job. Julie: (reading a magazine) She's lucky she has a career. (Kirsten turns to look at her) Well, I mean, it's not luck. You're very hard worker. (Kirsten looks back down) God knows I could use my own income right about now. Okay. Let's just say that I better enjoy the weekend because I won't be back for a while. Tina: Oh, don't say that. It's not true. Karen: Jules, tell me, did you have any idea about any of it? Julie: Who'd have known? (scoffing lightly) We have a deal. My domain is the kitchen and the bedroom, his is the office. I held up my end of the bargain. Tina: You poor thing. Julie: Believe me. If I'd had known anything, I would have taken my girls out of the country. It's them I'm concerned about. Kirsten is 'ignoring' the conversation. Julie: I mean, having to live with the shame of what your father's done? Kirsten: (not looking up) Maybe we shouldn't talk about this. Julie: (mildly) Oh no. I don't mind. I mean, to be honest, I blame myself. I feel like I should have known. Like... I should have sensed it somehow. Tina: (vehemently) Well, how could you? You had no idea! Karen: You can't beat yourself up. You're a victim here. Julie: You're right. I know. It's just... (sighs) what else can I do? Karen: I have the name of a GREAT attorney. Tina: Ooh. A good attorney could really help Jimmy. Karen: It's for Julie. To divorce his sorry ass. Kirsten: Girls. This isn't helping Julie relax. Isn't that why we're here? (Julie gives her the evil eye) Tina: Kirsten's right. (laughs lightly) You wouldn't get a divorce. (then turning serious when Julie remains silent) Would you? Kirsten looks over at Julie. Julie puts on her sunglasses then lays back on her chair with a sigh. SCENE 13 At the Crab Shack. Ryan is cleaning up some tables. Seth walks in. Seth: Hey. Ryan: Hey. Seth: How do you feel about a little thing that I like to call... (whips out two tickets) the Imax Experience. This town sucks, best I could do. Ryan: Uh. I can't. I'm hanging out with Marissa tonight. Seth: So, we'll get a third ticket. I really don't think it's going to be sold out. Ryan: Well, she's got her sister. Seth: Fine. Four tickets then. I like Kaitlin - she's nice and she's smart for a fifth grader. Ryan: Actually, I, uh, was going to go over there. Help her... baby-sit. Seth: Ohhh. Nice. The baby-sit. I see. Stepping it up, taking it to the next level. I can respect that. Ryan: Yeah. (to Donnie, who is counting money behind him) Hey Donnie, I'm going to head out in a minute. Donnie: All right, man. I'm going to head out of here too. Can't believe we, uh, survived this shift. (hands Ryan his portion of the tips) I'm so hung over, man. What're you going to do now? Ryan: Uh. I got plans. Donnie: All right. Ryan walks away to clear more tables. Seth: I've got two tickets to the Imax, Donnie. It's a shark movie. Hear me out. It's very violent. Donnie: Shark movie. What're you - like eight? Seth: You got a better idea? Donnie: I got a, uh, house party in Long Beach. Six kegs, crazy honeys. Seth: Okay. Yes. That is better. Donnie: Wanna come? Seth: (looks up hopefully) Uh. (Ryan hears the offer and looks over) Is that - is that cool? Donnie: (does that fist bumping thing with Seth) Let me just... change up. (walks to the back) Seth: All right. (Ryan walks up to Seth) I do enjoy the crazy honeys. Ryan: (blandly) You're not going. Seth: (laughing/scoffing) Okay, MOM. Except that I am. Ryan: It's... kind of a shady neighbourhood. It's pretty hard-core. Seth: Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya. Ryan: Seth, guys like Donnie - you don't exactly know them and they don't exactly know... kids like you. Seth: (sarcastically) So, I shouldn't wear my ascot and talk about Grey Poupon? Ryan: How're you going to get there? Seth: I've got my mom's Range Rover. (Ryan gives him a 'oh really' look) What? I'll park it up the street. (Ryan looks unconvinced; Seth scoffs) Look. Donnie's a good guy, right? He's cool, right? So, maybe, this way, we can all be friends? We can all hang out. Donnie: (coming out from the back) You boys game or what? Seth: Yeah. Ryan: (seriously to Seth) We go for one hour. SCENE 14 At the Cohen house. By the pool, Sandy is at the barbeque. Jimmy walks up with two Coronas. Jimmy: You know how long it's been since I've had a steak? I live with three vegetarians. Sandy: (takes a beer from Jimmy) Oh. You know how long it's been since we've had beer in the house? I'm so sick of Chardonnay and Merlot. (they clink bottles) Cheers. Jimmy: Cheers. The phone rings inside the house. Sandy: You want to grab that? These are almost done. Jimmy: Yeah. (goes into the house and picks up the phone) Hello? At the spa, Kirsten is on the other end of the line. Kirsten: (confused) Jimmy? Did I dial your number? Jimmy: No, no, no. I'm at your place. Kirsten: Ohh. Working on the case. Jimmy: Well, uh, we're taking a break... actually. Kirsten: (in disbelief) With Sandy? Jimmy: Yeah. We're doing, uh, doing guy stuff. Kirsten: Oh. All right. Well, uh, when you finish, uh, doing guy stuff, would you have Sandy give me a call? I just called to see if everything was okay. Is it? Jimmy: Well, uh. (sighs) I guess. Uh, I don't know. Kirsten: You know, I've - I've been, really worried about you. Jimmy: Hmm. Thanks. (Julie is walking up behind Kirsten at the spa) I appreciate it. Kirsten: (not realising that Julie is standing behind her) Well, uh, I'll talk to you when I get back. Take care, Jimmy. Kirsten hangs up and turns around. Julie is standing there staring at her. Julie: Your concern for my husband is REALLY touching. (walks away) Kirsten is speechless. SCENE 15 Somewhere in Long Beach. Ryan and Seth arrive at an outdoor party that is very alive. It's filled with people, cars and loud music. On the way in, a girl smoothes a hand up Seth's chest. Seth looks scared. They walk further in and then stop. Seth: (pointing) She really is a dancer. Pan to one of the girls from Donnie and Ryan's date the night before. She's just taken off her shirt and is dancing on a raised platform. She then removes her skirt. Seth gives Ryan a 'well-done' look. Ryan just looks surprised. Donnie: (from across the party) Yo, Chino! Come here, man. I want you to meet some of my boys. Ryan: You have forty-five minutes. (walks towards Donnie) Seth: Yeah. (totally engrossed in the stripping girl) We should see if she wants to come back to the pool house. (follows Ryan) Ryan: Don't say pool house. Seth: Right. SCENE 16 At the Cohen house. Jimmy and Sandy are sitting on the floor, playing videos games. Jimmy: Oh, dude! I thought you said you played before? Sandy: Well, some people have a natural talent. (punches the buttons, then lowers the controller in defeat) Not me. Jimmy: I haven't played videos games in like, I - I - I can't remember the last time I played. (still playing the game) Are we old? Because... if I didn't know better, I'd swear I was still sixteen. Sandy: Oh, I'm still twenty-two. Was the best year of my life. Jimmy: Yeah, uh, why twenty-two? Sandy: That was when I met Kirsten. Jimmy kind of nods, but is still playing the game. Sandy: Why sixteen? Jimmy: Ah. It was when, uh... (pauses) *I* met Kirsten. Jimmy looks over at Sandy who is now paying attention to the game. Jimmy sighs, then they both return to the game silently. SCENE 17 At the Cooper house. The phone is ringing. Marissa enters the room, looking at her watch. Marissa: (picking up phone) Hello? Ryan: Marissa? Marissa: Hey. (covers one ear because the connection is noisy) Where are you? At the party, Ryan is on the phone. Donnie comes up and places an arm around his shoulder. Donnie has a plastic cup (of beer?) and seems a little intoxicated. Donnie: Yo. What did I tell you, man? How much better is this than Newport? Donnie stumbles away. Ryan: I got dragged to a party, but uhm, I'm leaving. I'm on my way. I just... got to get Seth away from, uh... this - this dancer. Marissa: (curtly) Dancer? Ryan: It's - It's a long story. But, uh, be there soon. (apologetically) Save me some mac and cheese? Marissa: (a little pissed off) Sure. See ya. (hangs up quickly) She looks disappointed and upset. At the party, Ryan walks up to where Seth is talking to two girls. Ryan: (grabs Seth's arm) Seth. We got to go. Seth: Whoa. Uh. Whoa. Uh. (turns back to the girls) One second. (pulls Ryan to the side) Hang on a second. All right, listen, I am really connecting with this girl, okay? Check it out. She just moved here with her sister from Uzbekistan and they're saving for a condo, right? Nice. That hits here. (he thumps his chest with his fist) Now, she does have a serious boyfriend. But you know what - she's looking to - Ryan quells him with a glare. Seth: (turning to the girls) Good luck with the condo. The girls are going 'what?' Seth follows Ryan out of the party. A bunch of people walk into the party. Guy: (walking into the party) Some dude just demo'd a Range Rover. That car is messed up! Ryan and Seth exchange looks, then look at the group walking away. SCENE 18 At the Cohen house. Seth and Sandy are standing outside in the driveway, looking at the Range Rover. There's white spray paint all over the car (I think the hood of the car says 'Rich boy') - basically, it just looks trashed. Ryan is sitting on the steps, watching them. Sandy: (disbelievingly) So, this all happened in the parking lot of the Imax movie theatre? Seth: (with a dramatic 'I know' sigh) Shark movies bring out a rough crowd. Sandy looks at Seth, and Seth just shrugs guiltily. Sandy: I'll call the insurance company, but you're explaining this to your mother. Tonight. (walks towards the house) Could get ugly. Seth rolls his neck. Seth: (softly) Yeah. (turning to Ryan) So, did you call Marissa? Ryan: Tried her again this morning. She doesn't want to talk - Seth: Man, I'm sorry I salted your game. Ryan: Yeah. (sadly) I got to get to work. (picks up his backpack, grabs his bike and takes off) SCENE 19 At the spa. The ladies are in a steam room. Kirsten is just walking in with a towel around her body. Karen: So, I'll give you Richard's number when you get back. He's the best. He did Carol's divorce - she got everything. Julie: (lack lustre) Thanks. That'd be great. Kirsten: (sitting down) Are you really considering a divorce? Julie: Why? You gonna call Jimmy and tell him? Karen: Julie needs to protect herself. Kirsten: I can't believe you're encouraging this, Karen. When your husband got caught with his assistant, no one gave you the number to a divorce attorney. G3: Kirsten, that was very uncalled for. Kirsten: No, what is uncalled for is your five hundred dollars a day coke habit in college. G3: It was just sophomore year. Tina: What Jimmy did - was wrong. Kirsten: Oh, spare me. You have an entire Guatemalan family cleaning your house for less than minimum wage. (Pause) I have spent this entire weekend, listening to you women judge Jimmy. Yes, he made a mistake, a big one. But life is complicated and none of us is perfect, not even you, Julie. Julie: (scandalized) And what is that supposed to mean? Kirsten: He didn't buy ponies and jewellery for himself. Julie: How interesting that you should take his side. Tina: Uh, shower time. Limo leaves at six. Kirsten: He did all this for you because he wanted to give you everything. And now, you're just going to leave him. Julie: He lied to me, Kirsten. Kirsten: (loudly) You lied to yourself! I know Jimmy. Julie: I know. I've heard. He still has your prom photo up on our wall. Kirsten: (quieting down) It's all in the past. Julie: (getting angrier) Really? You think it's a coincidence that we ended up living next door to you? (Kirsten looks stricken) I'm the one who married him. This is MY problem, not yours. Julie gets up to leaves. Then she stops. Julie: (turning back) Who knew that when he knocked me up that it'd be the best thing that ever happened to you. Julie gives Kirsten one last glare, then leaves. Kirsten looks like she's just been scolded. SCENE 20 At the Cooper house. Marissa is in her room, taking down a picture of Luke and her from a bulletin board of sorts. She's looking at it nostalgically. As she turns, Seth walks into the room, knocking lightly on the door. Marissa: Uh. Hey. Seth: Hey. Uh, your dad let me in. She nods. Seth: He seems like he's doing better. Marissa: (shrugging uncomfortably) Yeah, I guess. Her cell phone rings. Seth: (pointing at the cell) You going to get that? Marissa: Oh, it's probably just Summer calling about another party at Holly's. (picks up the cell phone and turns it off) Seth: Ah yes, another one of those. Marissa: (dumps the phone on her bed, then turns back, crosses her arms in front of her chest and says with fake cheer) So, how did it go with the dancer? Seth: Uhm. Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. (Walks up to her) Last night - was totally my fault. Okay? Ryan was extremely bummed that he didn't get to make his blockbuster night. And I know that you're going through a lot right now and the last thing you needed was to get stood up, so... I apologize. Marissa: Well, that's very... thoughtful. (uncrosses her arms) Seth: Yeah, well. He's pretty mad at me right now. So, why don't you help a brother out? How about another date? (Marissa looks uncertain) Hmm? He's a good cook. But then Marissa smiles shyly. SCENE 21 At the club. Jimmy takes a swing with his golf club at the tee. Jimmy: (looking at his ball take down the fairway) I tell ya. One good swing and I love this game. Sandy: Nice drive. (places his ball) So, I talked to my friend the securities attorney this morning. Jimmy: Working on the weekend. Sandy: Working for you to keep you out of jail. And he's pretty sure he's going to be able to make that happen. Jimmy: Excellent. Sandy: It's contingent on you making full restitution. You're going to lose your series seven license and you'll never be allowed near another investment account. But... little or no jail time. (lines up his shot) Jimmy: So, I got to pay back everything I lost. Sandy: (stands up straight from his swinging position) And even then, there are no guarantees. (Jimmy looks restless) But it's your only option. Jimmy: (pacing) Yeah, well, that's - that's - that's not an option. Where in the hell am I going to find four million dollars? Sandy: Well, your house is valued at three point two, you got two six in equity. That's a good start. Jimmy: You want me to sell my house? Julie will - she'll leave me. Sandy: Julie cares about you and the kids. She's not going to care about giving up the house if it means keeping you. Jimmy: Whose wife are we talking about? (Sandy looks up at him) No. We gotta - We gotta come up with something else. Sandy: This is it. This is a gift. Be grateful. Jimmy: Grateful? Sandy: What - Did you think it was just going to go away? That there were going to be no consequences? You got to get real. Jimmy: Hey! Who are YOU to tell ME to get real? You - You live in a fantasyland. You're married to the richest girl in the county. You live in a house you've never paid for! (gets up in Sandy's face) You get fired? Kirsten wouldn't even notice it! You have no idea what it's like to provide for a family! (turns away angrily) Sandy: I think there's more to providing for a family than money. You want to be there when Marissa graduates? You want to watch Kaitlin grow up? You can start over. You can start a new life. Jimmy: I don't want a new life. I want - I want my old one back. (scoffs) But I guess that's not going to happen, huh? SCENE 22 At the Crab Shack. Ryan is carrying two plates of food out of the kitchen. Ryan: Hey. What's up? Seth: Seth Cohen. Your friendly neighbourhood pimp, at your service. I had a little conversation with Marissa, it's totally handled. (hangs back while Ryan puts down the plates of food) Ryan: (to the girls) I'll be right back with your drinks. (walking back past Seth) What are you talking about? Seth: (following Ryan) Well, it turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date, provided it's not for me. You're going to have the house to yourself, she's going to coming over shortly and you will be cooking. Ryan walks to the kitchen. Donnie: (walks up to the register, with more money. To Seth) What's up, man? Seth: Hey. Donnie: What's the, uh... agenda for tonight? Any plans? Seth: Not really. No. Donnie: You know about anything going on? Seth: There's a lame beach party, typical Newport scene. Donnie: You know what, man. We should go. Seth: No. It's not for me. It's going to be a bunch of water polo guys and their girlfriends. Donnie: Yeah. I don't get the whole water polo thing down here. Seth: Nor do I. Just a bunch of dudes who enjoy wearing Speedos. Donnie: I mean, what do these kids know about partying anyway, right? Seth: I couldn't agree more. Donnie: But the girls are hot. (Seth nods) So, with the right attitude and a couple of cocktails, could be fun. If it's not, we'll make it fun. You know, life is what you make it. Seth: (pauses) That's very wise, Donnie. Donnie: Tell you what, man. This is what we're going to do. We're going to go over there, I'm going to call a couple of my boys, we're going to drink their beer, we're going to dance with their honeys, and we're going to have ourselves a good time. They do that fist bumping thing again. Seth: All right. Donnie: All right? Seth: All right. Donnie leaves for the kitchen. Ryan comes up behind Seth and glares at him. Seth: (turning and scoffing lightly) Enough with the whole moody scowl thing. Please. It's not a big deal. Ryan: You're going to take him to a Newport party? Seth: Yeah, exactly. Now it'll be on my turf. (pauses) Actually, I don't really have any turf, but if I had turf - this would be it. And not only that, Summer's going to be there. Ryan: (looking worried) I don't know about this, Seth - Seth: I do, okay? It's fine. It is not a big deal. I promise. Now... you got a date, okay? So, you have to go. (Ryan still looks worried) Make me proud. (Ryan gives up and walks away) Put a sock on the door! SCENE 23 At the Cooper house. Marissa is standing in front of a mirror in her room. She's wearing a very pretty spaghetti-strap dress. Her hair is up, then she decides to take it down. She tries pulling it back, but settles on leaving it down. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to the Cohen house. Ryan is working the barbeque as Marissa walks in. She's carrying a Tupperware filled with some yellow stuff. Marissa: Hey! I brought you some leftovers. Ryan: (looking over his shoulder) Should go well with grilled cheese. (Marissa walks up and looks over his shoulder at the food, then smiles happily) My specialty. Marissa: Ooooh. Very fancy. Ryan: Hey... don't knock it till you try it. (puts two sandwiches on a plate) Dinner is served. SCENE 24 At Holly's beach house. The party is in full swing. Donnie walks in with Seth and two of Donnie's friends. There are lots of good looking people dancing and mingling. Summer is there. Seth: Kind of lame right. Donnie: I'm seeing, uh... (leering at some girls walking by) lots of potential here actually. (thumps Seth's chest with his fist) Seth looks very proud of himself. Outside, Luke walking in the sands, pouring his beer dejectedly onto the ground. Holly: (walking out to where Luke is) Hey. Where's Marissa? Luke: She's at home. We're, uh, we're sort of taking a break. Holly: (sidling up real close) You are? (lays a hand on his chest) Are you okay? She tugs at his shirt and then walks away. He's following her with his eyes. She stops after a couple of steps and gives him the 'come-hither' look. He catches a clue then downs the rest of his beer. At the Cohen house. Ryan and Marissa are sitting on the side of the pool (on the ledge). Marissa: Mmm. That was the best grilled cheese ever. (wipes her hands on a napkin) Ryan: Yeah. Well, your mac and cheese was pretty good too. Marissa: (laughing) Yeah. Well, it tasted better last night. Ryan pretends to be hurt. They both laugh. Ryan kicks a beach ball in the water and splashes Marissa slightly. Ryan: Yeah! Marissa: Hey! Ryan splashes her leg. They both laugh. Ryan: But then, hey, we're hanging out, right? Marissa: Yeah. I'm glad. We are. Ryan: So, how are you? With everything. Marissa: I'm okay, I guess. I mean, I still don't know what's going to happen. My parents are fighting all the time. My family's not perfect - not even close - but... I just... don't want us to fall apart. They both fall silent. Ryan then gets up. Ryan: Let's do something fun. You still have fun, right? Marissa: I don't know. Ryan: (leaning up behind her and whispering) What if you don't have a choice? Marissa: (laughing) What does that mean? He grabs her as if he's going to dump her in the water. Marissa: (giggling) No, no! Stop! (he lets her go, she's still laughing) Okay. He picks up their plates and sets them a little ways off. She comes up behind him, still laughing, and tries to push him. Ryan: I'm taking you with me. They both land in the water. She squeals. They're both laughing, playing in the water. Dunking and splashing each other. They have a 'moment' in the water. At Holly's party. Seth picks up a bottle of beer and opens it. Just as he's taking a sip, Donnie is scouting the party and walks by Summer, with interest. Donnie: (to Summer) What's up, girl? You don't like to dance. (gets up in Summer's space) Summer: (backing away slightly) Not with you. She tries to walk away, but Donnie cuts her off. Summer: (unimpressed) I'm trying to get to the bar? She walks around him, but he follows her closely. Donnie: You look fine, you know that? Summer: Good one! But aren't you... like... (to some other people) the busboy? (the other people laugh) Eww. Random. Donnie: (to one of the guys laughing) What's up? Somebody got a problem? Seth: (comes up to Donnie) Hey. Hey. What's going on? Donnie: (looking pissed off) Yo, these kids are mad dogging me. Seth: You know, why don't we go? I'm ready. Donnie: No, I'm ready. (shows him a gun tucked into the waist of his jeans) Yeah, what - that's what I'm saying. (pats Seth on the chest) Life is what you make it. Donnie grabs a beer and saunters away. Seth looks scared/worried. At the Cohen house. Marissa is dripping just inside the pool house. Marissa: (laughing, but hugging herself) Hurry up! I'm freezing. Ryan is wet too. He grabs two towels and walks over to her. Ryan: You've got goose bumps. Marissa: I know! Towel. Ryan wraps one of the towels around her. He's rubbing her arms, trying to warm her up. Ryan: Want a sweatshirt? They are standing very close. Marissa: Now can I borrow one of your tank tops so I can look as cool as you? Ryan: Oh yeah? (grabs the towel around her and pulls her close so that their foreheads are touching) You want to go back in the pool? She giggles. Then they both turn serious as they have another moment. Just when you think they're about to kiss, the phone rings. Marissa: Do you have to? Ryan: Uh. (looks torn for a moment) One second. Ryan goes to answer the phone. Ryan: (sighs) Hello? Seth is at the party, on a cell phone. Seth: Hey, it's Seth. Your friend Donnie's kind of a psycho. Ryan: Uh. Okay. Not really a good time right now. Seth: Yeah, dude, trust me, I wouldn't be calling up if it wasn't serious. (Donnie and his friends are fooling around in the kitchen) Just take my dad's car and meet me at Holly's. Ryan: (considers this for a moment while looking at Marissa) I'll be right there. (hangs up and turns back to Marissa) Okay. So, that was Seth. Uh, I got to go pick him up. He's at Holly's if you want - Marissa: (shaking her head) I can't go there. Ryan: Right. Okay. So, uh... (walking back to her) Sorry, I... Marissa: (shaking her head) No. It's okay. She gives him back the towel, then leaves. At Holly's party. Holly and Luke are getting hot and heavy in a bedroom upstairs from the party. He's trying to undo her top but without much success. Luke: You have any idea how long I've wanted to do this? Holly: As long as I have? (kissing) Oh, you guys should have broken up a long time ago. Downstairs, Donnie and his friends are having a food fight in the kitchen. Donnie: (to his friend) Chill. Chill! Seriously, relax. (to Seth) What's up, bro? (slaps Seth's hand) You want a drink, man? Seth: No, no, no, no. (watches as Donnie attempts to make a drink) Donnie: You sure. It's - It's vodka. It's very good. I'll do this fli - He tries to flip the bottle but it lands right in front of Seth's feet instead. Upstairs, Holly stops at the sound of breaking glass. Holly: That sounded expensive. Come on. She gets up. Luke is completely baffled. Luke: You go. (rubs his eyes with his fingers) I'll, uh, I'm right behind you. (thumps the bed in frustration, but follows her) Holly walks down and Summer is standing at the bottom of the stairs. They exchange glances. Just then, Donnie's arm connects with a glass blender and falls to the ground, breaking. Holly: That's my blender! Donnie: (seeing Luke walk down the stairs) Yo! Check it out! It's Abercrombie! Or - or are you Fitch? Luke: Jackass. What's your problem? Donnie: You. They walk up threateningly to each other. Seth steps in and stops Luke. Seth: Uh, er, Luke. You really don't want to - Luke: (pushing Seth away angrily) Shut up, Cohen! How did you get in here anyway? (standing directly in front of Donnie) Look, I don't know who you are, but you best be leaving. Donnie: Or what? What you going to do to me? (lunges forward threateningly) What? You afraid I'm going to mess up your hair? Ryan: (rushing in) Donnie! What's up? Donnie: Hey, what's up, Ryan? (They clasp hands in greeting) Luke: Should have figured this chump was a friend of yours. Why don't you just take him back to the trailer park? Seth: (grabbing Ryan) We should go. Donnie: What did you say to me? (gets up in Luke's face) Luke: All right. (shoves Donnie hard) Let's go! Ryan: (steps in to stop Luke) Hey, hey! Donnie: You're done! (whips out his gun, people scream and flee the room) What's up now? Who's the tough guy now? How much do you hate this kid, Ryan? The way he talks to you like you're trash. What about you, Seth? Seth: (putting an arm out to 'protect' Summer) Yeah, he's definitely flawed. Luke: I'm - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Donnie: Oh. Look at the role reversal now. Huh. Who's the bitch, huh? Ryan: You scared him. Put it down, all right? Donnie: (to Ryan) Man, I'm just trying to have a good time. You know what I'm saying? Trying to have fun at this party. (to his friends) Yo, you boys having fun? Ryan lunges for the gun. They're struggling. The gun falls to the ground and goes off. Donnie: What's the matter with you, man? I was just messing around. Summer screams. Luke is on the ground, his arm is bleeding. Summer: Oh my God! One of Donnie's friends: Yo, yo, we got to go. Let's go. Donnie and his friends leave. Summer: (rushes over to Luke) Oh my God. (to everyone else) Call an ambulance! Ryan: (crouches down and tries to help stop the blood flow; whispers) You're going to be okay. Summer: Somebody! In the background, they're talking about calling 911 and finding the phone. SCENE 25 A limo pulls up. Inside are Tina, Kirsten and Julie. Tina: I guess this is me. Well, thanks for a relaxing weekend, ladies. I'm off to fire my cleaning lady. (everyone looks uncomfortable) Okay. See you at spinning. Kirsten: Bye, Tina. Tina leaves. Julie and Kirsten sit uncomfortably at opposite ends of the seat. Kirsten stares out the window. Julie: (clears her throat) Is it warm in here? (turning on the intercom) Could you turn the air on, please? Kirsten: I'm sorry if I upset you. It wasn't my place. Julie nods. Kirsten looks back out the window. Julie: (looking straight ahead) I remember as a kid if I saw a limousine driving, I always tried to see through the tinted window, wondering what kind of life the people inside lived. How glamorous looking. Who knew, right? (pauses) You knew. You were probably in there staring back at me. Which means I've been jealous of you since I was eight. When I met Jimmy, I had nothing, no money. I don't want to go back to being nothing again. Kirsten: You won't. You have a family. You have Jimmy. He loves you. Julie: (turning to Kirsten) Not as much as he loved you. (Kirsten doesn't know what to say) But I knew that when I married him. I was winning the lottery. Great guy, great life. And he was doing the honourable thing. Kirsten: It's your turn Julie. Don't abandon him. SCENE 26 At the hospital. Seth is talking to a cop. Ryan is on the phone. Ryan: Hey. It's me. Yeah, no, uhm. I'm sorry. I'm - I'm at the hospital. No, everything - everything's fine. But, uhm, I think you're going to want to get down here. At the Cohen house. Sandy is in the kitchen, washin

Plan: A: a job; Q: What does Ryan get? A: Donnie; Q: Who is a Newport teen from Corona? A: Holly; Q: Who's beach party does Seth invite Donnie to? A: his attendance; Q: What ends with Luke getting shot? A: Luke; Q: Who gets shot at Holly's beach party? A: Julie; Q: Who tells Jimmy she wants a divorce? Summary: Ryan gets a job and meets Donnie, a Newport teen from Corona. Seth decides to invite Donnie to Holly's beach party, but his attendance ends with Luke getting shot. Julie tells Jimmy she wants a divorce.

[No one is talking in the office, Jim holds up sign that reads "We're on the longest silent streak in office history! Nobody has said anything in... 14 min!", Dwight hangs up on a phone call rather than speak, Andy sees a raccoon eating a hamburger and tries to describe it using charades, Kevin opens a candy bar and takes a bite] Kevin: Oh yeah! All: Aw! Dwight: Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper. Oscar: You really have to say "oh yeah" every time you eat a candy bar? Kevin: I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. [takes another bite] Oh yeah! Jim: All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to. Andy: It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person! Dwight: You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or it's going to drive me insane. Jim: Okay, done. Erin: [shows bloody hand] Does anyone have a first aid kit? Darryl: Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight... [overlapping chatter] Jim: All right, here we go! Everybody get read in three, two, good luck, one- [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [writing on board] Love letters, yes! I love it. What else can be done with paper? Jim: You can write a book about chairs. Andy: Books! Excellent, Jim. Oscar: Andy, please! Please, just stop. You can do infinite things with paper- Andy: [gasps] Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper? [scattered applause] Jim: Very nice. Very nice sales pitch for our clients that don't know what paper is. Andy: I'm talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply! Angela: Andy, you want us to buy our own paper? Andy: Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. That's today. And we're eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us. So today, we need to sell eight hundred and thirty dollars of paper and the next quarter I need to sell the twenty-two hundred dollars of paper that's in my garage. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Dwight Schrute for Robert California! Receptionist: Oh, hello Mr. Schrute. I'll tell him you're here. Can I get you anything at all? Dwight: I'm not here to be given anything. I'm here to take what is mine. Receptionist: Ooh. I'm glad you're on our team. Here, please have a seat. Gabe: Dwight? What are you doing here? Dwight: Gabe? You don't know? Gabe: Course I know. Dwight: Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery, like a squirrel's office. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Corporate says to me, "Gabe, we need you in Scranton." Scranton says, "Gabe, go back down to Florida. You're needed there." So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm down here. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Dwight. Dwight: Robert. Robert: You made it. Dwight: Yes. Robert: Impressive initiative. I don't know what's worse, the trip or the destination. [Gabe laughs] Well, uh, let me settle in and I'll be with you shortly. Dwight: Very good. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out, if they're willing to "play ball." Those were his words. Oscar: Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter. Okay? Robert will understand. Eight hundred dollars is a rounding error! Andy: So make that error! Oscar: Andy, no- Kevin: Hey! I can make that error. Oscar: [clicks tongue] Aw... Andy: Well, it's just, I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that. Kevin: No, I- Andy: It's just, I really need a real accountant on this. [to Oscar] What do you say? Oscar: I'm leaving early today because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia. Andy: Oh. Oscar: Any other crunch time, I would love to stay in, cook the books for you so you can save face in front of your CEO, but tonight is Triviocalypse! Andy: What? Oscar: It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year. There's a thousand dollar prize. I'm committed to my friends, they're committed to me. Andy: You know what? Go. Have fun. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia. Jim: Stop right there. I love it. Darryl: I'm in. Andy: I didn't even say what it is. Darryl: It's trivia. Jim: In Philadelphia. Andy: But here's the best part. The prize is a thousand dollars, and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here, close the gap on our eight percent profit increase... Jim: That's a great idea. Darryl: That's a great plan. Andy: Yeah? You like it? Jim: Yeah. Andy: All right. Jim: All right, good stuff. Andy: I'm so psyched you guys are into it because I thought- I was like, "this sounds really stupid." Darryl: You just made a good idea, a great idea. Andy: There is one problem with this plan. Darryl: What? Andy: We'd have to leave work, like, right now, to do this. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: [on the phone] You can reduce your prices by ten percent or we're going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right. [hangs up] Dwight: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy. Gabe: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house? Dwight: Meat grinder. Gabe: [makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential. Dwight: You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic. Robert: Dwight. Today is not my day at all, I'm afraid. I'm not going to be able to meet with you, but I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of our COO. Dwight: But I can give you this pitch in one minute- Robert: No, he's going to meet with you later. No, no, no. I don't want you to rush it, okay? Trust me. Meet with Bill. He's a great person to know. I'll dialogue with him tonight. [leaves] Gabe: CEO to COO. What a difference a letter makes. Dwight: Still an important position. Still a chief. Gabe: You're really going to like Bill. He, uh, he has me toilet a lot of people for him. [Dwight sighs, Gabe's phone rings] Hallway phone, Gabe Lewis speaking. Robert: Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this. He has to go put out a fire on the home front. Just wait twenty minutes and then I want you to listen to Dwight's pitch. Make him feel valued. Make him feel heard. Gabe: Your wish is my command. Robert: It's a command. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I don't believe this. What are you doing here, Andy? Andy: You left us no choice, but, this should put a smile on your face. How would you like to be captain of the Dunder-Mifflin team? Although I reserve the right to overrule you. Oscar: What? No! Andy: I've got a quota to hit. I don't care how I hit it. Oscar: And you guys thought this was a good idea? Jim: I thought it was a fun idea. Darryl: There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt. That's the thing about long drives, you know, you're always going to- this is a gay bar. Andy: Wait, what? Everyone in here is gay? Oscar: Yes! It's a gay bar! So you guys want to go home now? All: No. Nah. Oscar: What does this say about you? That you followed me here? That you think you're going to win your sales quota? At a gay bar's trivia night? [laughs] Andy: It says that I believe that my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything. [Oscar's friend walks up] Not anything. Oscar: Good luck. Andy: Uh, all right. We need to divide up into teams, but it's winner-take-all so no need to divide evenly. We need an A-team, a backup team and a just-have-fun team. So you guys all know yourselves. Meredith: Good-timers follow me. Phyllis: Backups. [Jim goes to join the backups] Stanley: Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here. Andy: A-team. Jim: Okay. Andy: All right, everybody. Nice self-awareness. Except... [looks at Kevin, who has joined the A-team] Kevin: Okay. [leaves] Jim: There's a table over here. [SCENE_BREAK] Host: All right, first question everyone: Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind. What is its capital? Andy: Oh, we got this! Creed: Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer. Where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty. Alaska? Stanley: Atlanta. Phyllis: Oh I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held. Cathy: My cousins were actually at those Olympics. Stanley: Keep talking all you want. Kevin: How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh, what do blind people think about? Erin: Okay, dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness. Host: Okay, time's up. Let's get the boards up. "Atlanta, Georgia" is the correct answer. [Kevin holds up "What is...SEE-attle"] [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Hey man, uh, look. Unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire, so your appointment got- Dwight: [sniffs] There's no fires within eight miles of here. Gabe: Well, it's nine miles away. I'm going to be meeting with you on his behalf. Dwight: What? No, no. Excuse me! Lady! Get anyone from the COO's office on the phone this instant! Receptionist: This must be very frustrating. Gabe: I can see you in the jungle now. [SCENE_BREAK] Host: Okay, now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you? Andy: Jim, Darryl. Your time to shine. Jim: Shawn Marion. Darryl: Yes, Shawn Marion. Ryan: That doesn't sound right. I want to say, LaDameon Washington. Jim: Wrong, for so many reasons. Phyllis: Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful? Stanley: That's it. I'm going to go watch the boats on the river. Kevin: Ron Artest, Kelly. Kelly: No, it's Lamar Odom. If it'd been Ron Artest, it would have come up in Dancing with the Stars, when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big storyline on Chloe and Lamar. Host: All right, boards up. Let's see who got it. "Lamar Odom" is what we were looking for. "Lamar Odom" Thank you. [scattered cheers] Jim: Oh my God. Lamar Odom, yes. Kevin: Nicely done! Andy: You're my sports guys! You're ESPN, you're ESPN Classic, Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC and Oxygen. Darryl: Chill, man. This plan is airtight. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: So it's a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales. Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me. Bottom line, I know the product. I get it! Receptionist: Well, you got my vote. Dwight: Oh my God. Gabe: I know. Dwight: Most of all, I believe that character is destiny. And my character is one that- wait why are you smiling? Gabe: What? Dwight: What's with the smile? Gabe: You're doing great. You know, so good. Dwight: And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon, behind us. Gabe: Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation. Put your hand on my hand. Flush! [Gabe makes a flushing motion, Dwight twists Gabe's arm] Ow! Dwight: Take me to Robert. Gabe: Ow! He went home. Dwight: Take me to his house. Gabe: Uh, it's a condo and it's long-term business housing. Dwight: You know where it is. Lead me there. Gabe: Ow! Ow! Stephanie, help! Dwight: Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] Host: Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder-Mifflin A-team? Excuse me, sir? Ryan: Yeah? Host: I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account... [laughter] but you can't check smart phones during trivia, it's against the rules. Ryan: Okay, I'm turning it off. Host: Okay, you're not turning it off. Ryan: I won't look at it. Host: Sir? Ryan: I can't- I can't not touch it. Host: Okay, then we're going to have to take it away. [employee takes the phone] Thank you. Ryan: Look, I can't, I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry. I want to be with my phone. [leaves] Host: All right, guys. After nine rounds, let's check the scores. In first place, with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles. [Oscar's team touches fingers] The Queerenstein Bears have seven points. [a team of hairy men growl] Dunder-Mifflin A-Team has four points. Jim: [claps] All right. Host: D.M. Backup Team has three points. The Einsteins have eight points. [the "just-for-fun" Dunder-Mifflin team cheers] Ladies Gaga have five points. [more cheering] Andy: So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands, and brains, of Kevin, Meredith, Erin and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Which one is it? Gabe: I don't know. All I know is the building. Dwight: Robert! Robert California! Robert! Robert: Dwight! How nice of Gabe to show you where I live. Come around. 102. [SCENE_BREAK] Host: All right guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait. Except for the Einsteins. That's all right. Which means the top three teams are going to finish it off in the speed round. So let's get everyone some bells. In third place we have the Einsteins. Kevin: Oh yeah! Kelly: What! [cheers] Host: In second place, we have the Queerenstein Bears. Queerenstein Bears: Whoo! Let's go! Host: And, in first place, is Aesop's Foibles. Oscar's friend: Whoo! Darryl: Yeah, we're going to get clobbered. Host: Ring it in when you know it. First question: This man had a fatwa declared on him when- [Erin rings bell] Einsteins? Meredith: What? Erin: What is it? Meredith: What? Erin: I did my part, babe. I'm just the bell girl. [Oscar rings bell] Host: Aesop's? Oscar: Salman Rushdie. Host: Salman Rushdie is correct. [applause] Heading out to sea, sailors. On a square-rigged ship, the sale set furthest forward is called what? [Erin rings bell] Meredith: Princess Ding-Dong, do not hit that bell unless- Erin: Flying jib. Host: Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins. [cheers and applause] [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Shalom. [sighs] Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. [grunt] I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month. [slaps the mat, they wrestle] Stu: Grab my knee! Gabe: Yay Robert! Robert: Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge. [SCENE_BREAK] Host: According to a recent survey, this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents. Oscar's friend: [rings bell] Boom! ADHD! Host: No. [another bell rings] Meredith: Wrong. The answer is dyslexia! Host: That's correct for the Einsteins. [cheers and applause] Andy: [dances] Whoo! Yeah! Host: Sir- Andy: Go Einsteins! Host: Dial it back, this isn't Tail Feathers, okay? [laughter] [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they? Dwight: No thank you. Robert: Sit down, Dwight. Dwight: Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager, a salesman, a leader and a warrior walk into a restaurant. The hostess says, "table for one?" How is this possible? Robert: You were dining alone? All those people are you? Dwight: Yes, exactly. Riddle number two: Who is going- Robert: Ah-ah-ah- your drive, your ambition. It would be wasted on a manager's job. And Florida, you don't want to live here. Even I don't want to live here. That's why I'm always at my place in Scranton. Florida is America's basement: It's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators. Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right? Dwight: N... it's complicated. Robert: [holds a medal to the light] This medal was my grandfather's. He received it for acts of courage. For excellence. It's a tribute one man gives another. I could give you a job, Dwight. Why not let me give you something even better? [holds out medal] Dwight: It's a job interview, not a flea market. Robert: Dwight, the job is not right for you. Now, when something comes along that is right for you, I'll try you out. Now get the hell out of my place. Dwight: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Host: Final round. Last two teams squaring off. I hope you're ready to play doctor. Our question is about health and the human body. Andy: Oh, come on! Host: The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight? [bell rings] Kevin: Three hundred pounds! Host: Point for the Einsteins. [applause] Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets: This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray. Oscar: [rings bell, answers in French] Le titre du film est Le Scaphandre et le Papillon. Oscar's friend: Yes! Host: I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins. Kevin: [rings bell] Les Jolies Choses. Meredith: Are you sure? Kevin: Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film. Host: The Einsteins win it! [applause] Oscar: No! Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one. [SCENE_BREAK] Stonewall Host: Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships! First prize is forty-five hundred dollars! Kevin: Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home. [SCENE_BREAK] Stonewall Host: Riboflavin. Kevin: [holds up "Robitussin"] Riboflavin? Stonewall Host: Michigan. [Kevin holds up "A Mitten"] The President of the United States is "P.O.T.U.S." [Kevin holds up "P.O.T.A.T.O."] John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath. [Kevin holds up "The California Raisins"]

Plan: A: Oscar Nunez; Q: Who plays Oscar Martinez? A: Andy; Q: Who gets the entire office involved in a trivia contest? A: Dwight; Q: Who goes to Sabre headquarters to petition California to give him a job as a regional manager? A: Dwight's request; Q: What does California decline? Summary: When Oscar Martinez ( Oscar Nunez ) joins a trivia contest, Andy gets the entire office involved. Eventually, the team made up of Kevin, Erin, Kelly, and Meredith wins. Meanwhile, Dwight goes to Sabre headquarters to petition California to give him a job as a regional manager. California tries to get out of meeting with him, but eventually declines Dwight's request.