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THE EVIL OF THE DALEKS First broadcast: 10th June 1967 Repeat broadcast: 13th July, 1968 Running Time: 25:07 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. INTERIOR WEST WING (JAMIE, having passed through the secret entrance to the WEST WING, is now presented with the next element in his test - the impressive KEMEL, placed at the entrance and told to prevent JAMIE's passage, something he appears perfectly capable of doing as he makes his presence known to JAMIE.) JAMIE: Hello? Who are you? (Studying his opponent for a moment, JAMIE then rushes to grapple with him, only to find his left hand in KEMEL's vice-like grip. At first, JAMIE tries to pull free, but finds he is unable to break the giant's grip. Since he can't pull away, JAMIE lunges forward, his shoulder landing squarely in KEMEL's stomach. Caught off-balance, KEMEL is forced back, and cannot keep his grasp on JAMIE's fist. Given the chance to consider his position, JAMIE steps back a moment before engaging KEMEL in another exchange of blows, feints and falls, finding themselves grappling on the floor until JAMIE is able to kick himself free and regain his feet. Now, with his back to an open window, the moon shining in, JAMIE can see that KEMEL is sweating - breathing hard, as he himself is doing. Again, lunging at JAMIE, KEMEL miscalculates, and as the young Scot dodges his blow, the Turk is sent crashing through and out the window. JAMIE quickly moves to the window, fearing that he has sent KEMEL to his death, only to find that the Turk has only just survived by grabbing a lead drainpipe outside the window. With just a moment's hesitation, JAMIE reaches down to save the Turk from the death awaiting him many feet below. With his shoulder braced firmly against the window frame, he pulls KEMEL up, until the Turk is able to support himself on the shards of the frame and heave himself to safety.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. CORRIDOR, WEST WING (A DALEK glides through a nearby corridor clutching a handkerchief.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. INTERIOR, WEST WING (Not knowing how to respond to each other, the combatants then fall to the floor, exhausted. KEMEL, not able to speak, silently expresses his thanks to JAMIE.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. VICTORIA'S OLD ROOM, WEST WING (The DALEK with the handkerchief enters the room and places the monogrammed cloth on the floor near the door and then leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. INTERIOR, WEST RING (Time passes and JAMIE finds himself standing and staggering on, down the darkened corridor, continuing his search for the DALEKS hostage. With little effort, he finds the room he assumes to be her prison. There is a grille-covered window, a bed, a table and a single chair to indicate that anyone had ever been present. Then, something on the floor catches his eye - a single woman's handkerchief. KEMEL shakes his head, indicating to JAMIE that he prefer that they not explore any further. But JAMIE is not to be dissuaded, and enters the room reaching down to retrieve the cloth. As he does so, KEMEL pulls him from behind, and JAMIE turns round to re-engage the Turk, only to hear the loud SWISH of a guillotine blade as it falls from the ceiling and slams into the floor where JAMIE had been standing. He stares in horror at the blade, and then back to KEMEL before shaking hands with his new compatriot. Finding nothing else there, they leave the room little knowing that the DALEK is watching then from the door of another room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. INTERIOR, WORK ROOM (The DOCTOR and the RED DALEK have been watching the battle on their instruments, and now comment:) DOCTOR: (Monitoring the instruments.) It took courage to fight Maxtible's Turkish wrestler. RED DALEK: (Bragging.) The Daleks are afraid of nothing and no one. DOCTOR: But Jamie saved the Turk's life. RED DALEK: Human weakness. DOCTOR: If he hadn't, he would have died in that room of yours. If you want the Human Factor, a part of it must include mercy. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. INTERIOR, LABORATORY (WATERFIELD and MAXTIBLE discover TOBY's body.) WATERFIELD: (Stunned.) What... what is he doing here? MAXTIBLE: (Not caring.) A common thief, come to see what he could steal. No mystery here. (The DALEKS enter via the mirror cabinet.) DALEK: The intruder was destroyed. (WATERFIELD is visibly shaken by the sight of TOBY's body.) WATERFIELD: Well, what... what are we to do? Where is the Doctor? He must be told. (He turns to leave the room, but the DALEK moves to block his way.) DALEK: No. WATERFIELD: Why not? (The DALEK moves quickly, striking WATERFIELD with its arm, causing him to stagger backward.) DALEK: Obey me! MAXTIBLE: (Urging.) Waterfield, I... I... I beg of you, do not antagonize the, um... hmm... (He clears his throat, gesturing toward the DALEK with his eyes.) MAXTIBLE: ...our friends. WATERFIELD: Oh, why do you consistently avoid reality, Maxtible? Another man has died. Can't you grasp that fact? DALEK: You will hide the remains of the dead human intruder. (Looking down at TOBY's body again, WATERFIELD is once again steeled against the idea.) WATERFIELD: No! DALEK: That is an order! MAXTIBLE: We must do as they say, Waterfield. We... we... we cannot anger them. (He hands WATERFIELD a sheet.) MAXTIBLE: Here. Wrap the body in this. (WATERFIELD is horrified.) WATERFIELD: No. MAXTIBLE: We must! Have you lost your mind? Don't you want to see your daughter again? WATERFIELD: Th... there's no end to this. The hands of the Devil. DALEK: Dispose of the body. Obey! (WATERFIELD groans.) MAXTIBLE: Waterfield, what is the matter with you? We are not to blame for everything that has happened. No English judge or jury would find it in their hearts to convict us of one solitary thing. WATERFIELD: It will never come to that. MAXTIBLE: (Suspicious.) And what may that remark mean? WATERFIELD: I have one purpose only: to see my daughter out of the hands of those foul monsters. When that is achieved, I shall confess my part in all that has happened. (As WATERFIELD begins to drag TOBY's body from the room, MAXTIBLE stealthily removes a revolver from a nearby desk drawer, slipping it in his coat pocket while WATERFIELD is engaged. Finding that he cannot move the body by himself, WATERFIELD looks up at MAXTIBLE.) WATERFIELD: Y... You must help me. (MAXTIBLE moves to help WATERFIELD.) MAXTIBLE: I am at your heels, my dear sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. INTERIOR, WEST WING (JAMIE and KEMEL following their battle.) JAMIE: That's better, thank you. Aye, you're an odd one. I'll say that. Aye, well, I... I suppose we're both a a bit touched, eh? Knocking each other about the place and saving one another's lives. (KEMEL shakes his head slowly, emotionlessly.) JAMIE: You don't say much, do you? (KEMEL put a finger to his lips, shaking his head slowly. JAMIE immediately comprehends the gesture.) JAMIE: Oh, I see. You can't talk? Aye. Well, you're a sight better than a number of people I know who can. I wonder what your name is? (Stepping to a nearby window, the Turk writes his name in the dust that has gathered there over many years: K E M E L.) JAMIE: Kemel? Well, I'm Jamie. (He offers his hand to KEMEL, who, refusing his hand, instead bows his head in obescience to JAMIE.) JAMIE: He... hey, what is that?! Now come on now. None of that. We're to be friends. Do you hear? Friends. (KEMEL is confused by JAMIE's refusal, but as he stands upright, he notices the handkerchief JAMIE still carries in his hand, bearing the initials V.W.) JAMIE: Aye. (KEMEL then indicates his familiarity with the initials.) JAMIE: "V.W." I know, Victoria Waterfield. (At this, KEMEL searches inside his belt, removing the remains of a small flower.) JAMIE: Oh, Miss Waterfield gave you the flower? You like her? (KEMEL nods his head in the affirmative.) JAMIE: Of course. Then what are we fighting for? (The Turk turns his head indicating a question.) JAMIE: Do you not know what I'm doing here, Kemel? Victoria Waterfield is being held a prisoner here somewhere. (KEMEL points at himself, and then JAMIE, joining the two fingers in pointing down the corridor.) JAMIE: Together? Aye, we'll go together. There's no one I'd rather have with me. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INTERIOR, WORK ROOM (The DOCTOR and the DALEK watch JAMIE and KEMEL's every move, with the DALEK watching the DOCTOR even more closely.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INTERIOR, STABLES (WATERFIELD, exhausted from dragging TOBY's body from the house, finally arrives at the stables, collapsing as he does so. Startled by a metallic noise nearby, he looks around anxiously and MAXTIBLE sits calmly, obviously annoyed by WATERFIELD's demeanor.) WATERFIELD: What was that? Did you hear it? MAXTIBLE: Control your nerves. WATERFIELD: But there was a noise. MAXTIBLE: Waterfield, go back to the house. WATERFIELD: Hmm? Oh, we have a task to perform. MAXTIBLE: Waterfield, I am sick to death of you. (Not having noticed MAXTIBLE's irritation, WATERFIELD is confused by MAXTIBLE's sharpness.) WATERFIELD: What? MAXTIBLE: I take you into my house, you and your daughter - provide for you. WATERFIELD: Yes, I know everything that you've done. MAXTIBLE: Small thanks do I get for it! I did not bring these terrible creatures here deliberately, you know that. Am I to blame for everything? WATERFIELD: No, no. MAXTIBLE: No, it is your daughter they have kidnapped. One moment, you beg me to do everything I can to rescue her; next moment, you blame me. WATERFIELD: Yes. I... I don't mean it like that. It's the price. First Kennedy, now this fellow. How many people must die so that my daughter can live? MAXTIBLE: We are not the murderers! WATERFIELD: No, just the silent partners. But we're equally to blame because we stand by and do nothing. MAXTIBLE: Go back to the house, Waterfield. I... I understand you are under a stress. You... you try and get some sleep. WATERFIELD: Sleep? I've not had one good night's rest since this started. MAXTIBLE: There. You go back to your room. Near the end now. You've done enough. (MAXTIBLE draws a small pistol, and readies to shoot WATERFIELD in the back. Just as he is about to pull the trigger, an arm knocks his hand down. It is TERRALL, who has appeared from the shadows.) MAXTIBLE: What... what are you doing? TERRALL: Waterfield does not die yet! MAXTIBLE: He says he will confess everything! TERRALL: Go back to the laboratory. I will dispose of the body. You will obey. You will obey! [SCENE_BREAK] 11. CORRIDOR, WEST WING (JAMIE and KEMEL have been watching from the shadows, and see a pair of patrolling Daleks. And they discuss these new arrivals from their hiding place.) JAMIE: Wait. Never mind about those, Kemel, unless they catch sight of us. We seem to be going in the right direction. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. INTERIOR, WORK ROOM (Machine noises can be heard, as the DOCTOR and the DALEK watch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. CORRIDOR, WEST WING (As they edge along the corridor, JAMIE brushes past a hidden switch. A strange buzzing noise is heard.) JAMIE: Down! (A deadly pendulum is released and swings down towards their heads. With lightning-fast reflexes, Kemel and Jamie drop to the floor. With a sigh of relief, the new-found comrades continue towards the end of the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. INTERIOR, WORKROOM DALEK: We do not trust you. What thoughts are you using now? DOCTOR: Human beings have five senses: sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. But there is instinct too. And Jamie used instinct to avoid your trap. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. GALLERY, WEST WING (Again, VICTORIA is forced out of her room and stands on the gallery with a Dalek.) DALEK: Name? VICTORIA: Victoria. DALEK: Louder. VICTORIA: (Almost screaming.) Victoria! Victoria Waterfield! You know my name! DALEK: Silence. Inspection is over. Return to your room. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. HALL, BELOW GALLERY, WEST WING (Below the Gallery, a solitary Dalek patrols the hall.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. JUST OFF GALLERY, WEST WING (Nearby, JAMIE and KEMEL has watched the strange "roll-call".) JAMIE: She's very beautiful, Kemel. (KEMEL picks up a stick.) JAMIE: What are you going to do with that? (KEMEL mimes.) JAMIE: You'll attack the Daleks - draw them off down the corridor, while I go up there and rescue her somehow? It's too dangerous, Kemel. Besides, needs two of us up there. But how? [SCENE_BREAK] 18. INTERIOR, WORKROOM DALEK: What is the significance of this thought pattern? DOCTOR: Suicidal attacks to gain an objective. (To himself.) Postulate. (To the Dalek.) Self-preservation is a strong human factor. Jamie and his new friend are determined to succeed. But finding the girl is only part. Getting her away is another. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. EXTERIOR, TROPHY ROOM (TERRALL is dragging MOLLIE along by her wrist and this is causing MOLLIE great distress.) TERRALL: You'll come in here, Mollie, and explain yourself. MOLLIE: Oh... Oh, sir... Please, sir... You're hurting me! (TERRALL, not caring, drags her into the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. INTERIOR, TROPHY ROOM (TERRALL shoves MOLLIE into a chair and stands furiously over her.) TERRALL: (Furious.) Now, what is this hysterical nonsense? MOLLIE: (Worried.) But sir, I heard Miss Victoria's voice! TERRALL: Did she say how the weather was in Paris? That's where she is, Mollie. MOLLIE: Well, I know that sir, but I heard her speaking. TERRALL: Where? MOLLIE: I was walking past the big fireplace in the hall sir, and her voice sort of... floated out of it. TERRALL: Will you explain how you could possibly hear Miss Waterfield's voice when she's in Paris?! MOLLIE: I know it can't be, sir, but I heard her, as plain as anything. TERRALL: What were you doing in the hall? MOLLIE: Oh, well. I wasn't doing anything wrong, sir. (TERRALL cuts her off.) TERRALL: What were you doing in this part of the house at this hour?! MOLLIE: Oh, I don't know. (TERRALL grabs her and starts to shake her hard.) TERRALL: You do know, and you'll tell me! (RUTH appears and is surprised at the scene.) RUTH: Arthur! TERRALL: I found this child creeping about the corridors. MOLLIE: (Appealing to RUTH.) I haven't done anything. TERRALL: Be quiet! MOLLIE: Yes sir. TERRALL: She's miles from her room - should have been in bed an hour since! RUTH: Did you have extra work this morning? MOLLIE: Yes, Miss Ruth. I do. TERRALL: You're a liar! MOLLIE: Well, I haven't done anything, Miss. I haven't took nothing. (RUTH tries to appeal to TERRALL.) RUTH: Arthur, the poor child's frightened out of her skin after this. TERRALL: She's nothing but play acting. She's a mean, sniveling little minx. MOLLIE: But I haven't done anything. I haven't. TERRALL: Go to the sitting room and wait there. Mr. Maxtible will decide what to do with you. MOLLIE: But sir, I... TERRALL: Do as you are told! (MOLLIE sobs.) RUTH: (To MOLLIE.) Mollie, it's all right. Everything will be all right. (She escorts MOLLIE, who is sobbing, out of the room, and turns to talk to TERRALL. Strangely, TERRALL's even temperament has returned.) RUTH: Arthur, tell me what's wrong. TERRALL: Wrong? Why should something be wrong? RUTH: Has my father influenced you in some way? TERRALL: No, not your father. RUTH: Come away with me please! I somehow feel if we delay, it will be too late. TERRALL: I can't go. Not yet. [SCENE_BREAK] 21. INTERIOR, LABORATORY (MAXTIBLE is currently reporting on the situation to the RED DALEK.) MAXTIBLE: I have done everything you have asked me to. You wanted an agency here on Earth to plan and prepare things for you. I have been that agency. Will you please tell those who give you orders that I am getting tired of waiting. RED DALEK: (With a warning note in its voice.) Do you threaten the Daleks? MAXTIBLE: Oh, surely threatening is not necessary. We have a... a partnership - an understanding. RED DALEK: You have obeyed us. MAXTIBLE: You have a strange way of putting things. I prefer to say that you have asked for certain services. I have, uh... provided those services punctually and efficiently. Now you really must look to your side of the bargain. It is not beyond me to ruin the entire enterprise. (The RED DALEK attacks Maxtible with its sucker arms and knock MAXTIBLE to the floor.) MAXTIBLE: Oh, oh, oh, ho! RED DALEK: (Almost screaming.) Do not threaten! Obey! MAXTIBLE: (Cowed.) Yes, very well! I understand! RED DALEK: Obey the Daleks. (The DALEK turns to leave via the time cabinet.) MAXTIBLE: No. Please... Please wait! (The DALEK eyepiece swings round to face MAXTIBLE as the main body faces the cabinet.) MAXTIBLE: The secret ... the secret. You promised to give it to me! That is why I have done all this! RED DALEK: The Daleks know many secrets. You will learn the most important. (The RED DALEK leaves.) MAXTIBLE: (Feverish, talking to himself.) I must not be frightened of them. It's just their way. Th... They're different people - alien. But they will tell me! Of course they will! (RUTH enters.) RUTH: Father! MAXTIBLE: Ruth, I told you not to come in here - under any circumstances. (RUTH speaks over him.) RUTH: Father, I simply had to. I heard you speaking to someone and there's no one here. And Arthur is involved in some way. (MAXTIBLE speaks over his daughter.) MAXTIBLE: Oh, Arthur. Yes. RUTH: Why has he become so changed? And Victoria Waterfield - where is she? MAXTIBLE: My child, these are questions that I cannot answer. But, my dear, I will tell you one thing - one thing only, and then perhaps you may understand why there are secrets to be kept. (He picks up another iron bar from the workbench.) MAXTIBLE: You see this? RUTH: What is it? MAXTIBLE: A piece of ordinary metal of very little value, would you not say so? RUTH: I suppose so. MAXTIBLE: (Laughs.) What does it weigh? A few pounds? Five, six, shall we say? For centuries now, men have searched for the greatest secret of all. Some say it was known to the ancient alchemists. Some say that the secret never existed at all. But still, the stories and the rumours, and the search goes on! RUTH: What secret?! MAXTIBLE: The transmutation of metal into gold. Changing metal into gold. Now, perhaps, do you begin to understand a little? (He laughs quietly.) To possess such a secret would mean power and influence beyond all imagination. And I am about to discover this secret. (His speech begins to sound more maniacal.) Nothing will stop me. Nothing! Nobody!! [SCENE_BREAK] 22. GALLERY, WEST WING (Another "roll-call".) DALEK: Name? VICTORIA: Victoria. DALEK: Louder! VICTORIA: Victoria Waterfield! (She is now overheard by JAMIE and KEMEL.) VICTORIA: Victoria Waterfield! DALEK: Inspection is over. Return to your room. (VICTORIA returns to her room and closes the door. JAMIE and KEMEL move out from their cover and, using the rope, catapult the guard Dalek into the blazing fireplace. The Dalek gurgles in pain as smoke and flames encircle its casing.) JAMIE: Well, that's fixed that one. (The DALEK dies with a guttural, garbled sound. The two men rush to the far end of the hall. Using the rope both men climb to the gallery as the wooden rail strains under their weight. JAMIE reaches the top first and hauls KEMEL to safety...) JAMIE: Look out, the rail's going to break! (...just before the rail breaks and falls to the floor with a crash. JAMIE knocks four times on the door.) JAMIE: Miss Waterfield? Can you open the door? We've come to get you. (But they hear another noise. Turning away from the door, they see a Dalek gliding into the hall below them. Suddenly the door opens to reveal another Dalek! It glides out toward them, gun stick armed and ready to fire.)

Plan: A: Victoria; Q: Who are Jamie and Kemel trying to find? A: their progress; Q: What are the Doctor and the Daleks monitoring? Summary: Jamie and Kemel team up to try and find Victoria, while the Doctor and the Daleks continue to monitor their progress.

Ted is on the sidewalk with his umbrella. Ted (2030): Children, Stella was the girl I thought to end my life. Before she left me on the altar, breaking my heart. So, when I cross seven months later, I had only one thing to say. Ted: Stella! Glad to see you again! Stella: I do too. Ted: And Tony! What a nice surprise. Marshall, Barney, Robin and Ted are in McClaren's. Robin: "What a nice surprise"? No, a nice surprise would have been a safe falls from 40 stories e crushes them both. You let yourself do? Ted: We had a friendly discussion and we resumed our respective paths. Robin: You're f*cked up. He f*cked up, right? Marshall and Barney gets up applauding. Barney: Well played, sir. Marshall: Well done. Robin: What? Marshall: You know, Ted has played cool, that's exactly what he should do. In fact, I would say on a scale of... Ted, crying: And I kept your sweater... and sometimes, I sit in the bathtub for hours, you know, feel it. Marshall:... up... Ted, with a lookalike Stella: It's my new bride. This is Stella, except that it is French and, as you see, she has enormous breasts. Lookalike Stella: Magic. Tony: Enchanted. Marshall: I think you've been great. Barney: I would say even more. You, sir, did think Stella. "Ted looked so cool now. Do I chose the wrong? "Wait a week. The bush on the back. And belly. Have you felt that? There was an earthquake "Tope-there". Ted: I am not on the back. Or stomach. I want to move forward.And it was an important step towards that. The future. Ted (2030): And you know, I meant it. But anyway, that night, my mind wandered. Ted thinks we knocks on his door. It will open to find Stella. Stella: I made a terrible mistake. Ted: I know. I'm better than you. Stella: Bluntly. Ressortons lie down together and much more. Ted: Sold! They kiss. Ted was at the apartment and think a knock at his door. Tony: Hi, Ted. GENERIC Ted: No, between. It's not weird at all. Tony will lie on the sofa. Tony: I knew it was wrong to steal someone's girlfriend. I got used to it. I could not sleep. And for the wrong reasons.Sometimes for good reasons. Stella and I, we had not seen for five years, so you can imagine, at first it was fast and intense.Broken lamps, furniture moved. You see this bald area?Regardless, we turned the page. Me, Lucy, Stella, we would be moving to LA I was going to become a screenwriter. Then, you have been crossed, and you looked so... sad. Ted: Sad? No. I think what you call sorrow was only... jovial nonchalance. Tony: You're wrong, OK? As a small dachshund with back pain who should be walking in a bag. Ted: Why are you here? Tony: I know I can be a bit harsh, but I can not bear to have you as many wounded. Fate put me in the street to fix it.Obviously, I can not fill the crater left by Stella in your heart. Ted: I met lots of girls. Tony: And I know you've been fired. Ted: I switched to running a small business. This is the lung of the economy. Tony: No. Ted, my family has a lot of money. And I want to use that money to fix it with you. At the bar... Marshall: Tony is rich? Tell me that you wrote a check. Tell me that you did a very big check. So big that he not remove his shirt to go swimming. Barney: It's a very big check. IF big, that if you sleep with, you would not tell your friends. Marshall: It's a very big check. Robin: So big, that when you sit next to on the plane, you wonder if the check would not have had to buy two seats. Marshall: It's... Barney: A very big check! Ted: Yeah! He has not signed a check. Flashback Tony: Ted, I want to offer you a job. Ted: A job? Tony: Every year, my family gives a lot to Columbia University, I have contacts. How would you like to design... Ted (2030): My heart jumped. A new library? A conservatory? Tony:... your own resume as professor of architecture. Ted: No thank you. End flashback Marshall: What do you mean "no thank you"? You'd be a great teacher. You are an expert, you can talk, and when necessary, you can get to grow a beautiful beard. Ted: I will not be a professor. That's what you do when your career is in trouble and you have to pay the bills. Manager of small business. The lung of the economy. I will not take this job, okay? I'll get through. New topic. Barney: Okay. Today, I had a $ 200 fine for speeding. Marshall: That sucks, dude. You did not manage to blow it up? Barney: You can not blow a fine. Marshall: I have done. It was... when? In 1998. Flashback Minnesota 1998, Marshall was arrested by a policeman. Policeman: Where's the fire? Marshall: There is no fire. In fact, you know, there's a fire in the barbecue where I go. Nothing special. Burgers, chops...merguez. Policeman: You know it's dangerous to go... You said "sausages"? Marshall: Yeah, merguez. My mother's marinated in beer for 2 days. That's it. It's weird, I could have sworn that what those big, succulent smoked sausages had writing on it. Bizarre.You were saying? Policeman: That was writing what? The merguez? Marshall: It said: "Ownership of Minnesota police, Jorgensen."You like merguez, Jorgensen agent? Policeman: You go to this address? Follow me with the siren.It will burn red lights. End flashback Barney: I would have done that too, if I went to a barbecue.Slim, I went there. Marshall: It's all in the assessment of your enemy. I knew he loved the sausages because he was out of breath just by coming to my car and he had mustard on his holster. Robin: Handling a police officer with your sausage. It's sexy. Barney: You think I can not blow a fine? You think I can not blow my fine? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I managed to make me pay for a stripper to dance, I can blow a fine. Challenge accepted... wait. Ted: I understand. "Ack-Ted. "I understood. At the apartment... Ted: What now? Tony: You wanna be an architect? Super. A guy I was in school wants a new home. The job is yours if you want. Ted: Tony, I do not need your help. Tony: That's his job. Ted: Now that's a very big check. Barney is driving his car. Barney: Let's go. Police: Driver and vehicle registration. Barney: Of course, officer. On. Policeman: Sir, this is a gift certificate for a custom Italian suit. Barney: So, what's good? Barney arrives at the bar. Barney: $ 375! And he kept the gift certificate. Emilio and I'll call him tell him to shorten the crotch. Robin: You're wrong about that, man. Barney: Anything, Robin. Like you've already blown a fine. Marshall: Are you kidding? Robin is a pretty girl. They have no fines. I bet she was often stopped and has never had. Robin: This is outrageous! And relevant. Flashback Robin in tears, stopped by a policeman. Policeman: Permits and... Sweetie. No, do not cry. OK, not fine for you. Drive slower next time, OK? Robin: Thank you. End flashback Barney: Excuse me. I left something in New Jersey. He gets up and leaves the bar when Ted arrived. Robin: How was your lunch with the rich? It started well. Flashback Ted is a man with Tony. Ted: I want to design a home that showcases the landscape without dominating. IN 1935, when Frank Lloyd Wright designed the house to the waterfall... Man: Yes, that's fine. You will do a good job. My concern is the basement. Especially the laundry. Ted: The laundry room? Man: I want a laundry room of 5 x 5 meters, ceramic tiles stain-resistant floor to ceiling. I am a man who likes to do his own laundry, and sometimes it's messy. End flashback Marshall: Gruesome? Ted: Gruesome. Flashback Man: steel chains hanging from the ceiling 3 meters. This is where my bags of laundry will be hung for three days and three nights before I... cleans. End flashback Robin: Ted, it looks like this guy asks you to design... Ted: A deadly house. Robin: That's it. A house of horror. Flashback Tony: By practicing martial arts, I learned to believe in my instinct and my instinct tells me that... it sounds great. Ted: The steak is very rare. End flashback Marshall jumps up. Ted: Do not you? Flashback Man: One last point, soundproofing. I tend to make much noise when I wash. I'll show you. I'll go in the laundry room and tell me if you hear me. The man left the table. Ted: It's a bit serious, huh? Tony: Grave well. You hit the nail. End flashback Robin: You can not do this house! Ted: I will not do. Marshall: You can not do it! Ted: I will not do it! [SCENE_BREAK] While the others are at the bar, Barney is in his car and is still off. Barney: Come on. Mr. Officer, please, my wife is having a baby! She just lost the waters! Policeman: Where is your wife? Barney: She took the other car. It's Italian leather, so... I... go... Ted is in McClaren's with Tony. Tony: Sorry for this house of horror. It was my fault. It is for me.New plan. My friend, you will build a husband to the Statue of Liberty. I have some knowledge in the town hall. Ted: Stop! I do not want your help, OK? You did not do that. Tony: Yes Ted: Why? Tony: Because... when you were with Stella, I missed her terribly. I can imagine how you feel. Ted: Let me reassure you. I do not want to Stella. She lied to me, dumped me at the altar. Who can do that? I'm better off without her. It is all yours, buddy. Tony: Okay. A weight less. Ted (2030): And that was all. Tony is gone and I started to put it all behind me. Finally, I thought. A knock at the apartment again. Ted: Stella? Stella: Tony left me. Ted: Tony left you? Stella: He said it was because of what you said. Robin: You did break Tony and Stella? Really sorry, but I must insist that you topes there. Ted: Let's talk in the hallway. Robin: I'll wait. Ted closes the door behind him. Ted: Why are you here? Stella: Look, Ted, I was 7 months late, but that's how. I'm in love with Tony, since high school. We went out for a long time, and then... I became pregnant and for a 19 year old daughter, it was too much to handle, and it broke. And for a long time, I too thought about my role as mother. I forgot Tony. I forgot...what it was like being in love. Then you came and everything was resurrected. And I loved you for that. I loved you so much, in fact, it was just... enough. But I always liked Tony. Woman, leaving her: Take it back on, darling. He's sorry. Ted: No, it's not what happens. Tuck, Mrs. Matsen. Delighted to have you review, Stella. Stella: Can you talk to Tony? Ted: What? Stella: He'll listen. You made him change his mind. You can do it again. It is cruel to ask that... Ted: Yes, it's cruel to ask it. Stella: I do not know what else to do. I love it. Ted: You love her? What, you do call my romance? It's your strategy? Because this guy is gone. You can have me over like that. I am attached to nothing, thanks to you. Ms. Matsen: Come on, darling, kiss me! Stella, shouting: Tuck, Mrs. Matsen! Ted: Enter! Barney is stopped on the roadside. Barney: OK, you can do it. You can do it! You can do it. Police: Driver and... Barney: Licensing and registration papers. Police: Pardon? Barney: You must have a permit to be as pretty. And this body? I imagine that something as explosive must be registered with the authorities. It makes it a snap. Police: Exit the vehicle. Barney: Why, am I under arrest? Police: No. It depends on what you will do me. Barney, Marshall and Robin were at the bar. Robin: False. This has never happened. Marshall: It's from a porno. I saw him. sh1t, I did. Barney: When will you understand the difference between my life and a porno is that my life has better lighting. Robin: You're lying. Barney: I'm not lying! I swear on my mother. I swear Goliath National Bank. I swear on my costumes. I... do... mens... not. Ted (2030): He lied. That's what really happened. Flashback Ms. Matsen: Come on, darling, kiss me! Stella: Tuck, Mrs. Matsen! Ted: Enter! Stella: I can not do anything to fix everything? Ted: No. Ted's phone rings. Barney: It's me! This is Barney. With the help! I have big problems! Ted: Slow down. What's going on? Barney: I imagine that something as explosive must be registered with the authorities. Police: Get out. Barney: Why, am I under arrest? Police: Yes, I did a search. You have 15 offenses of the past three days. Exit the vehicle. Barney: No, my wife will give birth! I have a sausage with your name! Police: Get out! Barney: You must come to Brazzaville, in New Jersey to take me out. Ted: I'm a little busy. Barney: Come on. You have no idea what kind of criminals with whom they put me. Boy: Let's get our painting? Barney: Save me, Ted! Ted hangs up. Ted: You wanna do something for me? I have to go in New Jersey. Stella: You pay the toll, eh? I laugh. Ted (2030): So, Stella and I went to New Jersey, to release your uncle Barney and we went home. Stella in the car... Barney: By the way, how's the girl you see? This superb French with huge tits? Ted: You talk about Claudette? She is fine. Barney: The highest good of all those with whom you're never out! Ever! Barney out of the car, leaving Ted and Stella both. Stella: Again, sorry for everything. Actually... Ted: I talk to Tony. Stella: Really? Ted: I want you to be happy. I will speak to him. Ted (2030): And I did. I know what I told him, but he had to change his mind because the next day they went to California.Stella opened a new office. And against all odds, Tony became a successful writer. His film, "The Bride" was a hit. But we will come back. Ted: Just tell me one thing. Why Tony? I mean, it's money, pajamas kung fu? Finally... What is it? Stella: That is correct. Ted: Good. Stella: It's a little silly, but yes. Ted: I will say out loud something that I had managed not to say out loud. Have you, Tony and you... That at one point I thought I had with you... I know that Marshall and Lily... I want that. I want to. I keep waiting and waiting for that to happen and... I guess I'm just... tired of waiting. And that's all I have to say about it. Stella: I've already told you that I avoided a PV? Ted: Really? Stella: I was at my parents by doing 130 and I was arrested.The cop comes out of his car. He struts around a bit to me like, "Girl, I've waited all day. "Then I looked and I said," Sorry, Mr. Officer. I came as fast as I could. " Ted: Really? Stella: An old joke. I know you're tired of waiting and may require you to wait a little longer, but it happens, Ted. And it happens as fast as she can. Ted drops to turn the car, and watches her go. In McClaren's... Barney: She was found two days later, in the directory. I've never put my name in my underwear. Lily joined them. Barney: You're back! Lily: When listening to this joke of peanut butter and jam, I was completely disgusted. But this morning in the shower, I thought about it and it made me laugh. Peanut butter. So I think I could win. According to Marshall. Barney: It's good to see you, Lily. Lily: Thank you. So what's new? Barney: I'm in a world of amnesia with lots of pictures of my son and an alliance. I will find the best woman / woman and we will... Lily: OK, that's enough for tonight. I'll go slowly. Lily leaves.

Plan: A: his guilt; Q: What does Tony try to assuage? A: Tony; Q: Who is Stella's fiancé? A: a job; Q: What does Tony try to help Ted find? A: Barney; Q: Who tries to prove he can get out of a speeding ticket? Summary: In his attempt to assuage his guilt for "ruining Ted's life," Tony, Stella's fiancé, insists on helping Ted find a job, but only manages to prove that no good deed goes unpunished. Meanwhile, Barney tries to prove he can get out of a speeding ticket.

THE THREE DOCTORS By Bob Baker and Dave Martin 13th January, 1973 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] (The entirety of UNIT HQ also vanishes. We see it disappearing into the black hole.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OMEGA'S LAIR JO: It's fabulous! THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, most impressive, I must admit that. TYLER: Almost worth the trip just to see this place. JO: Yes, but who brought us here, and why? OMEGA: I did. I am the one who brought you here. THIRD DOCTOR: Who are you? OMEGA: In the legends of your people I am called Omega. THIRD DOCTOR: Omega? But that's impossible. Omega was destroyed. OMEGA: No, brother Time Lord, I was not destroyed, as you can see. Take the man and the girl. {He emerges into the light.) THIRD DOCTOR: Where are you taking them? OMEGA: They will not be harmed, Doctor. They have no part in my revenge. (Jo and Dr Tyler are led away by gell guards.) OMEGA: I have been grievously wronged, Doctor, and now it is time for my vengeance! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROOM {Jo and Dr Tyler are brought to another room by the gell guards. They look around.) TYLER: Well, they won't hold us long in here. Not in a cell without a door. JO: Look! TYLER: It's impossible! It's a real wall. (He goes over to the door where a wall has appeared.) JO: Really? What kind of a place is this? And who was that creature in the mask? TYLER: I don't know. JO: The Doctor seemed to know him. TYLER: Yes, and whoever it was knew the Doctor, but I wouldn't say they were exactly friends. JO: No, it seemed more like they were deadly enemies. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OMEGA'S PLACE OMEGA: Without me, there would be no time travel. You and our fellow Time Lords would still be locked in your own time, as puny as those creatures you now so graciously protect. THIRD DOCTOR: You knew your mission was dangerous. OMEGA: Dangerous, yes, but I completed it, and I did not expect to be abandoned. Many thousands of years ago, when I left our planet, all this was then a star until I arranged its detonation. THIRD DOCTOR: You were the solar engineer. It was your duty. OMEGA: It was an honour, or so I thought then. I was to be the one to find and create the power source that would give us mastery over time itself. THIRD DOCTOR: Well, you succeeded, and are revered for it. OMEGA: Revered? Here? I was abandoned. THIRD DOCTOR: The histories say that you were lost in the supernova. OMEGA: I was sacrificed to that supernova. I generated those forces, and for what? To be blown out of existence into this black hole of antimatter? My brothers became Time Lords, but I was abandoned and forgotten! THIRD DOCTOR: No, not forgotten. All my life I've known of you and honoured you as our greatest hero. OMEGA: A hero? I should have been a god! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROOM JO: Why would the creature bring the Doctor here if they're deadly enemies? Unless he means him some terrible harm. TYLER: Come along, Jo, pull yourself together. No point in getting worried about this. We don't know that they're enemies. In any case, I'm sure the Doctor knows what he's doing. JO: I hope you're right. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OMEGA'S PLACE THIRD DOCTOR: Well, theoretically, of course, all this is quite impossible. OMEGA: Here, Doctor, everything is possible. Be seated. (A chair appears from nowhere.) THIRD DOCTOR: Thank you. Tell me, how did you manage to survive? OMEGA: How does anyone survive? Force of will. Mind, you might say, over antimatter. THIRD DOCTOR: And this organism stuff that you sent to bring us here? OMEGA: Created from the raw stuff of matter. An organism that can exist in your world and mine. It brought you here and imbued you with its properties so that you too could exist in both worlds. THIRD DOCTOR: But how do I fit into this picture? OMEGA: There are some things that even I cannot do, not alone, and at this point in my plans I need the help of a brother Time Lord. THIRD DOCTOR: Oh, I see. OMEGA: And it pleases me to use you against them. THIRD DOCTOR: And if I give you my help, do you really think you can defeat the Time Lords? All of them? OMEGA: But I am defeating them, Doctor. All of their power is insufficient to prevent the cosmic energy drain which I have caused. THIRD DOCTOR: And if I refuse to cooperate? OMEGA: Then you will face the wrath of Omega, you and those miserable humans who accompany you. (An alarm goes off nearby, and Omega walks over to a rose coloured sphere and listens to the bleepy message. He then responds.) OMEGA: Investigate immediately but do not harm them. THIRD DOCTOR: Them? OMEGA: Well, Doctor, it seems that we have more company. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS SECOND DOCTOR: Well, we appear to have arrived. BRIGADIER: Corporal Palmer. Come in, Palmer. SECOND DOCTOR: I don't think you'll get through with that thing. BRIGADIER: Why not? SECOND DOCTOR: It hasn't quite got the range. BRIGADIER: What are you talking about, Doctor? They're only just outside the building. SECOND DOCTOR: Brigadier BRIGADIER: Corporal Palmer, do you read me? SECOND DOCTOR: I think you should prepare yourself for a bit of a shock. BENTON: Can we take a look outside, Doc? SECOND DOCTOR: We can try. (He activates the scanner.) SECOND DOCTOR: Well, I never. BENTON: It seems to have gone, sir. BRIGADIER: Yes, well, it looks quiet enough. Right, Doctor, if you'll just open that door, I'll see what's going on. SECOND DOCTOR: I really wouldn't advise it. BRIGADIER: Oh, come along now, Doctor. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, all right. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, I do wish you'd listen to me. Come along, we'd better follow him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. UNIT LABORATORY (They are looking around the lab.) SECOND DOCTOR: That's extraordinary. That stuff must have found the TARDIS a bit indigestible even without the force field on, so it swallowed a bit of the surrounding matter as well. Hmm. Rather like taking a pill with a swig of water. BRIGADIER: Well, we seem to have got rid of it. Benton, you stay here. BENTON: So you think we've moved, is that it, Doctor? SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, I'm quite sure we have. (The Brigadier opens the door to see a completely different planet. He does a double take and returns to the lab.) BENTON: Well, where do you reckon we are? SECOND DOCTOR: Not where he thinks we are. BRIGADIER: Now see here, Doctor, You have finally gone too far. SECOND DOCTOR: I rather think we all have. What's it like out there? BRIGADIER: There's, well, there's sand everywhere! SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, splendid. Who's for a swim? BRIGADIER: Do you realise what you've done? You've stolen the whole of UNIT HQ. Now what am I going to tell Geneva? That the whole blessed building has been picked up and put down on some deserted beach? We're probably miles from London! SECOND DOCTOR: I'm afraid we're a little bit further than that, Brigadier. BRIGADIER: You mean we're not even in the same country? There'll be international repercussions. This could be construed as an invasion. BENTON: It's not just a matter of the same country, sir. If the Doctor's right, we're not even in the same universe. BRIGADIER: What? Oh, nonsense, Benton. I tell you that's a beach out there. It's probably Norfolk or somewhere like that. THIRD DOCTOR: Oh, please, if you'd only listen to me. BRIGADIER: Right, now I'll tell you what we'll do. You two stay here. See that nobody wanders in. We can't have the place overrun with holiday makers. I'll nip out, find a phone and tell the authorities exactly where we are. I'm fairly sure that's Cromer. Back in a jiff. (The Brigadier leaves.) SECOND DOCTOR: Dear oh dear oh dear. BENTON: Let's go after him, Doc. SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose we better had. (He starts, then reconsiders.) SECOND DOCTOR: Just a minute. I think I'll have another look for my recorder. BENTON: Doctor, when are you going to face the facts? You've lost your recorder and that's that. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, no, I'm sure it's in the TARDIS somewhere. I shan't be a minute. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. UNIT LABORATORY BENTON: Doctor! Look. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh my giddy aunt! BENTON: Get back. Back! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PLANET SURFACE (The Brigadier goes for a stroll on the beach.) OLLIS: Hey! Hey, you! Just a minute. BRIGADIER: Who are you? OLLIS: Ollis, game warden. BRIGADIER: Ollis? Yes, of course, the chap who found the balloon then vanished. Where are we? What's going on here? OLLIS: I thought you'd have told me that. They're your manoeuvres. BRIGADIER: No, Mister Ollis, I'm as much in the dark as you are. Isn't there anything you can tell me? OLLIS: Well, there were two others in a daffy old motor car for a start. A man and a girl. They went off after another fellow and all got took by those lumpy creatures. BRIGADIER: What did the man look like? OLLIS: Tall, fancy get up, white hair. BRIGADIER: But that's. What happened to them? OLLIS: I told you! They got took by those things. They didn't get me, though, because I'm used to moving quiet, stalking them and that. BRIGADIER: What, did you follow them? OLLIS: I was just coming to that. Look out! (They duck behind a dune.) OLLIS: That's them. That's those things. That's what I meant. BRIGADIER: They've got the Doctor and Benton. Come on. OLLIS: Hold on now. It's no use rushing them. I know where they're bound. (The Gels make their prisoners turn left towards a massive blue-edged opening in a cliff face and take them inside.) OLLIS: Now what, General? BRIGADIER: First we do a recce, then we mount a surprise attack. Mister Ollis, you will consider yourself under my orders. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OMEGA'S PLACE THIRD DOCTOR: Look, if you cannot reverse the energy drain, the fabric of the entire universe could be torn apart. OMEGA: What if it is? It will make an interesting spectacle. THIRD DOCTOR: Then you would be utterly alone forever. OMEGA: I am used to solitude. And I shall have had my revenge. I shall be satisfied. THIRD DOCTOR: Omega, if you would undo the harm that you've done and resume your place on the High Council, you could have the freedom to do anything that you wished. OMEGA: Power is the only freedom that I seek. (As Omega goes on, the gell guards bring in the Second Doctor and Benton.) OMEGA: Absolute power is absolute freedom. No bargains. OMEGA: Especially not with those who betrayed and deserted me. No, Doctor, you are here for a reason. Who are you? THIRD DOCTOR: Oh, just some more innocent bystanders. Probably scooped up by that bungling organism of yours. Send them back, Omega. They can do you no harm. OMEGA: The organism was programmed to seek out a Time Lord. THIRD DOCTOR: And it has done so. OMEGA: Can this or this also be a Time Lord? SECOND DOCTOR: Appearances aren't everything, you know. OMEGA: Ah, you do not fear me. Can it be? Two Time Lords? (He considers for a moment.) OMEGA: Ah! The same Time Lord! The High Council must be desperate indeed to transgress the laws of time. SECOND DOCTOR: I really think you're making a mistake, you know. OMEGA: You have tried to trick me. SECOND DOCTOR: I was out for a stroll with my friend here when this horrible great jelly OMEGA: I might have known the High Council would make some such pathetic attempt to deceive me. THIRD DOCTOR: Now, Omega OMEGA: Be silent! (thunder roll) While I consider what shall be your fate. SECOND DOCTOR: (sotto) Is it really him? Omega? THIRD DOCTOR: (sotto) Yes, I'm afraid so. OMEGA: You have angered me. You are facing death! Take them away! (The gell guards blob away all three.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PLANET SURFACE (Ollis and the Brigadier are on the move.) BRIGADIER: Did you find a way in? OLLIS: No. You? BRIGADIER: No. There's only one thing for it. OLLIS: Eh? BRIGADIER: Wait till the door opens then take them by storm. A full scale frontal attack using all the resources available. OLLIS: What does that mean? BRIGADIER: That, Mister Ollis, means you and me. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROOM (They're all locked up together now.) THIRD DOCTOR: I tell you, I practically had him won over then you turned up and he started treating me like an imposter. SECOND DOCTOR: Well, you are really, aren't you. THIRD DOCTOR: What do you mean? SECOND DOCTOR: Well, I suppose in another way we both are. Or is it neither of us? THIRD DOCTOR: Look, for heaven's sake, stop twittering on. SECOND DOCTOR: There's no need to be offensive! THIRD DOCTOR: I'm not being offensive. The important thing is JO: There they go again. BENTON: You're supposed to help one another. JO: That was the idea. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, well, all right, I'm sorry. Perhaps I did speak a trifle sharply. SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, well, I'm sorry, too. Well, what did you think of this chap Omega? THIRD DOCTOR: Frankly, I thought he was somewhat confused. TYLER: Yes, and I'm somewhat confused. Who's he? DOCTORS: Me. TYLER: I beg your pardon? THIRD DOCTOR: Oh, ask Jo, there's a good chap. You see, one minute he was talking about destroying everything SECOND DOCTOR: Yes. THIRD DOCTOR: The next minute he's talking about freedom. TYLER: Look if this is a world of antimatter, how can it all exist? DOCTORS: The phenomenon of singularity. TYLER: Singularity? THIRD DOCTOR: Look, you explain to him. You're far better at it than I am. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, please. Older and wiser head. TYLER: Singularity. Now I know it's supposed to exist THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, well, it does exist. Right here, I'm afraid. TYLER: But that's just a theory. JO: Oh look, Doctors, what are you talking about? And simple answers, please. One at a time this time. SECOND DOCTOR: Well, singularity is a point in space/time that can only exist in a black hole. We are in a black hole, in a world of anti-matter very close to this point of singularity, where all the known physical laws cease to exist. Now, Omega has got control of singularity, and has learned to use the vast forces locked up inside the black hole. THIRD DOCTOR: Now, that is how Omega is able to create the world we are now living in by a fantastic effort of his will, but unfortunately he thinks he's been wronged by the Time Lords. TYLER: Time Lords? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, and now he's hell bent on revenge. JO: Well, you'll just have to stop him, won't you. SECOND DOCTOR: Well, the trouble is, we're not sure we can. BENTON: Well, who is this Omega, anyway? THIRD DOCTOR: A Time Lord. One of the greatest of all my race. SECOND DOCTOR: Our race. THIRD DOCTOR: Our race. Yes, sorry. SECOND DOCTOR: Long, long ago, we learnt the secret of time travel, but in order to make it a reality we had to have a colossal source of energy. THIRD DOCTOR: Omega provided that energy by a fantastic feat of solar engineering. We thought he was destroyed, instead of which he finished up here. SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, it seems that his imprisonment was the price of our freedom to travel in time. JO: Even so, you can't let him smash everything up. Well, look, he's not all-powerful, you know, or else why did he need to bring you here? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, that's true. BENTON: There must be something you can do to get us out of here? JO: What about your sonic screwdriver? THIRD DOCTOR: No, that's useless in this world. The only natural law here is the law of Omega's will. JO: Omega's will. Look, if Omega can will up an entire world, well surely you two could will up a small door. Well look, you're a Time Lord, aren't you? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. JO: In fact, you're two Time Lords. Well, surely your wills combined are a match for his? Why else do you think the High Council wanted the two of you here? THIRD DOCTOR: That might work. It just might. SECOND DOCTOR: It's worth a try. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. SECOND DOCTOR: Right. THIRD DOCTOR: Right. SECOND DOCTOR: Ready? THIRD DOCTOR: Ready. SECOND DOCTOR: Contact. THIRD DOCTOR: Contact. JO: It's working. (A door begins to appear in the wall near the opening.) THIRD DOCTOR: Well done. SECOND DOCTOR: I couldn't possibly have done it without you. Well, what next? THIRD DOCTOR: Now for the singularity chamber. That's the key to it all. SECOND DOCTOR: Splendid. Come on. THIRD DOCTOR: Come on. JO: But you THIRD DOCTOR: Jo, you wait there. SECOND DOCTOR: It even opens! (The two Doctors leave.) TYLER: Singularity chamber. Can't miss that. It's the chance of a lifetime! (Tyler leaves.) JO: That's charming. BENTON: I'm not just going to sit here while they have all the fun. JO: Neither am I. Come on, Sergeant Benton. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OMEGA'S LAIR (Out in the passageways the two Doctors stealthily creep. They are followed at a distance by the others (noisily).) BENTON: Through here. (The gell guards seem to be in pursuit. Sort of. Slowly. They might just be out for a walk, too.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OMEGA'S PLACE (The Doctors reach the inner chamber.) SECOND DOCTOR: Well, shall we? THIRD DOCTOR: The bull by the horns, eh? SECOND DOCTOR: All right. THIRD DOCTOR: Well, after you. SECOND DOCTOR: Let's toss, shall we? THIRD DOCTOR: What would be the point? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SINGULARITY ROOM (He steps through first. There is something that looks like a steam vent in the middle of the room.) THIRD DOCTOR: Singularity. SECOND DOCTOR: Fascinating. OMEGA: What! How is it that you two are free? THIRD DOCTOR: By combining our wills against yours. SECOND DOCTOR: Together we were able to break down your barriers, so you're not all powerful after all, Omega. THIRD DOCTOR: If you free us, we'll plead your cause to the Time Lords. Otherwise we shall combine our wills to destroy you. OMEGA: You dare threaten to destroy me? You wish to fight the will of Omega? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, if I must. OMEGA: Then you shall, but you will fight the dark side of my mind. (Something freaky starts to happen.) OMEGA: The dark side of my mind. (A weird troll creature approaches the Doctor.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THE PASSAGES BENTON: It's no good. It all looks the same. TYLER: Well, we can't just stay here. JO: They're right behind us. BENTON: This way. They're everywhere. TYLER: Let's try down here. JO: Yes, come on. (The gell guards make more grumpy noises as they give their interminably slow pursuit.) BENTON: It's no good, we're lost. TYLER: Well, we can't just give ourselves up. BENTON: Agreed. What do we do? JO: Let's try this way. JO: Hey, look what I found. BENTON: Oh great. Well, how can that help us? JO: It's the corridor to the main entrance. Come on. (They find the main door.) BENTON: Doctor Tyler, give me a hand with this. JO: Quickly, they're coming! (As they push the doors open, the Brigadier and Mr Ollis are just outside, and give assistance.) BRIGADIER: Out! Make for the hills! (They all dash out, followed by gell guards. A few moments of running, hiding, explosions and slow chases follow. Then they all catch their breath behind a dune.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PLANET SURFACE BENTON: How did you know we were trying to get out? BRIGADIER: We didn't. We were trying to get in. Miss Grant, was the Doctor with you when you came here? JO: Yes, of course, sir. BRIGADIER: Well he can't have been. He was with me. BENTON: Sir, look over there. BRIGADIER: Come on, it's just over the dune. JO: What is? [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in the Omega wrestling arena, the troll attacks, and the Doctor flips it. It rises. The Doctor backs off as the troll reaches for him. The Doctor flips it again. He tries a gut punch but the troll manages to grab the Doctor's arm and give him a flip.) [SCENE_BREAK] ON GALLIFREY FIRST DOCTOR: Well, what do you want now? PRESIDENT: Energy levels are dangerously low, Doctor. You are our last chance. You must go in. FIRST DOCTOR [on screen]: In? PRESIDENT: The black hole. I repeat, you are our last chance. All three are needed to defeat Omega. We will use the last of our energy to send you through. FIRST DOCTOR [on screen]: Well, better than being stuck here, I suppose. All right. [SCENE_BREAK] (Meanwhile the Omega battle rages on. The Doctor is flipped again. The troll looks mean, but it's his turn to be flipped next. The Doctor tries another punch, and damn, this is like total déjà vu here. Then the troll does something rude for a moment, and the Doctor ends up on top although face up. The troll begins to strangle him.) OMEGA (OOV): Those who oppose the will of Omega shall not live! Destroy him!

Plan: A: Omega; Q: Who is the Time Lord that reveals himself to the third Doctor? A: his own kind; Q: Who does Omega want vengeance against? Summary: The Time Lord Omega reveals himself to the third Doctor along with plans for vengeance against his own kind.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for Rachel's baby shower.] Rachel: (entering) Hi! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: So what's the final head count on my baby shower? Phoebe: About twenty, a couple people from work who had something else to do. Monica: Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it. Rachel: What?! You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and there's no booze?! That's shocking! I don't care, as long as my mom's here. Monica: Oh my God, your mother! Rachel: What?! My mom's not gonna be here?! Monica: Well, given that we forgot to invite her it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was. Rachel: My God! Monica: Well it wasn't my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations! Phoebe: Well I don't, I don't have a mother so often I forget that other people... Monica: (interrupting her) Oh give it a rest! Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?! Phoebe: No. (Pause) Neither is mine. Monica: Okay, y'know what? Don't worry, okay? We'll take care of it. We'll call her. Just go home and get ready. Rachel: Please, make sure she comes. It's really important to me, I mean it's my mom! Phoebe: I know. I know, what's her number? Rachel: I don't know. Monica: Go! I have it in my book. Go! (Rachel leaves and Monica calls Mrs. Green.) (To Phoebe) Wait a minute! If you're in charge of the invitations why am I the one who has to call her-Hello Mrs. Green! Hi, it's Monica Geller. Mrs. Green: Oh, hello Monica. Monica: (on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but we've decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today. Mrs. Green: I know, my daughter's told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago. Monica: Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm so sorry. Mrs. Green: For what dear? For not inviting me or lying about it? Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh my God, my ass is sweating! (on phone) Please! Please! Can you come? It's today at four. Mrs. Green: Well all right. I'll see you at four. Monica: Thank you. (Hangs up.) Phoebe: Isn't it at three? Monica: Son of a bitch! (Calls Mrs. Green again.) Opening Credits [Scene: Joey's Apartment, Joey is reading a script as Ross and Chandler enter carrying a basketball.] Chandler: Hey Joe! You wanna shoot some hoops? Joey: Oh no, I can't go. I'm practicing; I got an audition to be the host of a new game show. Ross: Oh cool! Chandler: That's great. Joey: Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day I'll (In a sexy voice) Dr. Drake Remoray, but by night I'll be (In an announcer's voice) Joey Trrrribbiani! Chandler: You'll be perfect for this! That's already your name! Joey: But the audition's in a couple hours and I don't even understand the game. Ross: Well do you want some help? Joey: Oh really? That'd be great! You guys can be the contestants! Ross: Awesome! Chandler: Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time. Joey: (announcer voice) All right! Let's play Bamboozled! Chandler: Bamboozled? Joey: Yeah, isn't that a cool name? Ross: (simultaneously with Chandler) Yeah! Chandler: (simultaneously with Ross) No! Joey: All right. Uhh, okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don't you tell us a little something about you Ross? Ross: Well uh, I-I'm a paleontologist. Umm, I-I live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! (Waves.) And uh... Joey: I said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you Chandler? Chandler: Well Joey, I'm a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.) Joey: Excellent! Let's play Bamboozled! Chandler, you'll go first. What is the capital of Columbia? Chandler: Bogota. Joey: It's Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango card. Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango card do? Joey: I should know that. Let's see, just one moment please. Umm, here we are, a Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower. Chandler: Higher or lower than what? Joey: This is embarrassing. (Looks it up.) Chandler: (To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is? Ross: I'm sorry, I don't believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel's baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are working in the kitchen.] Phoebe: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five. That's good right? Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate! Phoebe: What? He's gonna be dressed as a baby! (Mrs. Green enters.) Oh hi Mrs. Green! Monica: Hi! Phoebe: I'm so glad you could make it. Monica: Yes, thank you so much. And again, we're so sorry. We could not feel worse about it. Mrs. Green: Try. There's my little girl. (Goes over to Rachel.) Monica: She's still mad. Phoebe: Yeah I know. Isn't it great? One less person we have to make small talk with. Monica: Phoebe, Sandra's mad at you too. It-it doesn't bother you? Phoebe: No look, we've apologized twice! I can't do anymore than that. I know you hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it. Monica: Okay. I can do that. (Pause) I gotta go powder my ass. [Cut to Rachel and Mrs. Green.] Mrs. Green: Look at that face! Just like when you were in high school! If I didn't know better I'd say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come on, let's get some tea. Rachel: Okay. (Mrs. Green helps her up and they walk over and get some tea.) Mrs. Green: Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny yet? Now I don't want you to use your housekeeper 'cause it would just split her focus. Rachel: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I don't even have a housekeeper. Mrs. Green: It's like you're a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don't know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay. Rachel: Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca. (I think that's your mother's crazy.) Mrs. Green: Such a sweet woman. Rachel: Well, however great she was I just can't afford that. Mrs. Green: Oh Rachel! Rachel: What? Mrs. Green: I just had the greatest idea! I'm gonna come live with you! Rachel: Wh-wh-what? What? Mrs. Green: Oh, I'm so happy I'm gonna do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes. Rachel: Yes. Yes I do. [Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing Bamboozled.] Joey: All right Ross you're in the lead, would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem? Ross: The wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, I'll take another question. Joey: Okay, this is gonna be tough. Hold your breath. Ross: It's okay, I'm ready. Joey: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until you're ready to answer the question. Chandler: This is ridiculous, he's not gonna hold his breath... (Ross cuts him off by taking a deep breath and holding it.) Joey: Okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia, Tris...Holy cow, that's a big word. Trisc... Seriously look at this thing. Chandler, how do you say that? Chandler: Let me see that. Joey: This one right here. (Ross whines.) Chandler: Triscadecaphobia. Ross: (exhaling) The fear of Triscuts! Joey: No! No, fear of the number 13. Chandler: Fear of Triscuts? Ross: It's possible, they have really sharp edges. Joey: All right Chandler, you're up. Ross: Wait a minute, I-I believe I'm entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn? Chandler: This game makes no sense! Ross: Y'know what? You're just upset because you're losing. Chandler: Oh come on Ross, I think we're all losers here. Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card. Chandler: Let me think. Let me think-Oh! I don't care. Joey: You-you must choose Mr. Bing. Chandler: Either, it makes no difference. Joey: Choose, you jackass! Chandler: I'll take a card. Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Ross's points! Ross: What?! Chandler: This game is kinda fun. Ross: (To Chandler) You don't think it's a little crazy that you get all my points just 'cause you... Chandler: I don't think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower is continuing as Rachel walks over to Monica and Phoebe.] Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?! Monica: What? Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby. Phoebe: For how long? Rachel: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing. Monica: I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me. Phoebe: She can't hear you. Rachel: What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do? Phoebe: Well, if you don't want your mother to move in with you, just tell her. Rachel: You're right. You're right. I mean I'm about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I don't want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! She's gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen! Monica: That's right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you don't want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer! Rachel: Okay. (She goes over to tell her mother.) Monica: (To Phoebe) This is great! Now she's gonna be mad at Rachel! Y'know what? And I'm just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had. Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler. All right everybody! It's time to open the presents! Monica: Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby, because you're the most important person in this room. And in the world! Mrs. Green: Well uh, I don't have a gift because I wasn't invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone's attention. Phoebe: How about you less important people, let's open your presents! (Mrs. Green goes into the kitchen and Rachel follows her.) Rachel: Mom that's okay that you didn't get you a gift! Mrs. Green: Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me. Rachel: Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own. Mrs. Green: Sweetheart I know you're gonna be terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning. Rachel: But mom, I really know what I'm doing. I can handle this. Mrs. Green: Really? Remember Twinkles? Rachel: He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby! Phoebe: Okay, come on Rach it's present time! Y'know you're the glue that's holding this whole party together. It's kinda falling apart here. Mrs. Green: Oh look. Rachel: Wow! Phoebe: Okay, this is from your friend at work. Rachel: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (She's holding an item with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That can't be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby? Mrs. Green: Darling, that's a breast pump! Rachel: Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. Oh wow! What's this? Woman: It's a diaper genie. Rachel: Oh, it dispenses clean diapers! Woman: No! It's where you put the dirty ones! Rachel: Well that's gross, why don't you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster? Mrs. Green: Oh you're gonna do that ten times a day? Rachel: What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?! Mrs. Green: No dear, that's what babies do. Monica: Rachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart. Mrs. Green: Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you're trotting out to the garbage ten times a day? Rachel: I don't know, I'd leave it on the changing table? (Everyone gasps.) What?! What'd I do? What'd I do?! Mrs. Green: You can't leave a baby alone! Rachel: Oh come-(Stutters)-Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who would-she wouldn't be safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Y'know what? I think opening the presents right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, I'm just gonna maybe open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful. Woman: It's actually a bassinet. Rachel: Okay mommy, don't ever leave me. (Hugs her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing the game only everyone is really into it.] Joey: (To Chandler) In what John Houston film would you hear this line, "Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!" Chandler: Treasure of the Sierra Madre! Joey: Correct! There's a possible backwards bonus! Chandler: Madre Sierra the of Treasure! Joey: Yes! Chandler: I'd like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please. Joey: Wise choice, how many rungs? Chandler: Six! Joey: (makes a sound like a monkey) That noise can only me one thing. Chandler: (disappointed and simultaneously as Ross) Hungry monkey. Ross: (excited and simultaneously as Chandler) Hungry monkey! (To Chandler) Haaa! (To Joey) I'd like a Wicked Wango card! Joey: Okay, it's an audio question, name this television theme song. (Starts humming the theme to I Dream of Genie.) Ross: (thinking) Oh. (Pause) Oh! Oh my God! Okay, I know this, give me-give me a second! Chandler: Tell it to the Time Turtle! Ross: Shut up! I Dream of Genie! Joey: Yes! Yes, you're back in the lead! Ross: I'd like to spin the wheel! (Joey makes a sound like a game show wheel spinning with the pointer bouncing off of the bars on the wheel as it slows and comes to a stop.) Chandler: (annoyed) Oh come on!! Joey: All right! All right! Uh, umm, Super-Speedy Speed round! Ross: Is there a hopping bonus? Joey: Of course! (Ross gets up and starts to hop on one leg.) Joey: Who invented bifocals? Ross: Ben Franklin. Joey: Correct! Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest? Ross: Queen Victoria. Joey: Correct again! But, you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus! Ross: Noooo!!! Every time!!! Joey: Now, over to Chandler. Chandler: I'd like a Google Card. Joey: Are you sure? Chandler: Yes! (Pause) No! (Pause) Google! Joey: Oh my God! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, you've been Bamboozled! Chandler: Nooo!! Ross: Yeah!! Chandler: This is the best game ever!!! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower has ended and everyone except for Mrs. Green have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up.] Rachel: So umm, you're gonna stay with me as long as I need you? Mrs. Green: Of course I am! Rachel: Oh mom, I swear I'm not an idiot. I've read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didn't think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The baby's coming and I don't know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie? Mrs. Green: No. Sweetie, you're gonna be fine. (Starts to get up.) Rachel: Wait-wait where are you going? Where are you going? Mrs. Green: I'm going to the bathroom. Rachel: Okay. Mrs. Green: Now don't worry! Everything's gonna be okay. (Hugs Rachel while she is standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica decides to join in on the hugging by hugging Mrs. Green from behind her back.) Monica: It is going to be okay! (Mrs. Green glances over her shoulder and glares at Monica while she heads for the bathroom.) It was worth a shot. Ross: (entering, out of breath) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty? Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler! (Flexes in victory while everyone stares at him.) Which is not uh sexual thing. That was a quick shower. Phoebe: Not if you were here. Ross: Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good stuff. Rachel: Oh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all. Ross: (excited) A Play-Dough Barber Shop? Rachel: No. She's going to live with us for eight weeks. Ross: Uh, what? Rachel: Yes! She's gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that Ross isn't happy.) Ross: What-You're not serious. I mean she's a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. She'll drive us totally crazy. Mrs. Green: (entering from bathroom) Hi Ross! Ross: Hi roomie! (Hugs her and looks at Rachel.) [Scene: Joey's Audition, Joey is being shown in.] Man: Hey Joey, hi! I'm Ray; I'm the producer of the show. Joey: (announcer voice) It's a pleasure to meet you Ray. Ray: And this is Duncan (points to the cameraman) and Erin, they're gonna help us out with the audition. So uh, let's get the camera rolling. Joey: (announcer voice) Rightie-O Ray! Ray: Whenever you're ready. Joey: (to the camera) Hello, I'm Joey Tribbiani! Let's play Bamboozled! Erin, you get the first question! In hockey, who is known as The Great One? Erin: Wayne Gretzky. Joey: Correct! Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem? Ray: Uh Joey, didn't your agents give you the revised rules? We've eliminated all of that. No wheel, no cards. Joey: What-Why?! Ray: Uh well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didn't follow it. Joey: Well what's complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! You're in Paradise Pond! Ray: Yeah all that's gone. It's basically just a simple question and answer game now. Joey: Well what's fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that's just people standing around answering questions? Ray: Well, there'll be women in bikinis holding up the scores. Joey: (announcer voice to the camera) Let's play Bamboozled! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mrs. Green is telling Ross what needs to be done to baby proof his apartment.] Mrs. Green: ...and all those dinosaur nick-knacks you have Ross, I thought they might be more at home in the garage. Ross: Well we...we don't have a garage. Mrs. Green: Did I say garage? I meant garbage. Ross: Y'know what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, it's not absolutely vital that you live with us. Mrs. Green: Well Rachel needs help with the baby. Rachel: I do. I really do. I don't know anything. Ross: I'm-I'm sure that's not true. Rachel: Oh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know anything about babies? Phoebe: No, not a thing. Monica: It's frightening. Ross: Well uh, y'know what? Even if she doesn't know anything, I do! I have a son. And his mother and I didn't live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself. Mrs. Green: That's true. You do have another child. Ross: Yeah. Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no control Ross? Ross: That's a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I will be there to...to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want to do all those things. Mrs. Green: Well then you really don't need me to live with you. Ross: Yes! Yes, you're gonna be so missed. Mrs. Green: You're gonna be a great father. Ross: Well you're gonna be a wonderful grandma. (They hug.) Rachel: Hello?! I still don't know what the hell I'm doing! Ross: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. You'll-you're gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesn't believe that.) Hey! You will! Uh look, y'know when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddy's credit card. Do you remember? Rachel: I hope you're going somewhere with this. Ross: Look at you! What-You're-you're this big executive! You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt you're gonna be an incredible mother. Rachel: Really? Ross: I'm telling you. Rachel: Thank you. (Hugs him.) Mrs. Green: All right you two, I'm gonna get going. Ross: Oh. (Rachel and he start to stand up.) Mrs. Green: Oh no-no-no-no sweetheart, you stay put. I'll let myself out. It's like I'm not here, which I almost wasn't. Monica: (laughs) You're still so funny. You're so funny. (To Phoebe) What do I do? Phoebe: Nothing! You have apologized to her like a million times and she's been nothing but terrible to you. And don't forget you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasn't even thanked you for it. Monica: Y'know what? You're-you're right. Phoebe: Yeah I mean if you want to say anything to her, I'd tell her off. Monica: Really? Phoebe: Uh-huh! Monica: Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! (She ignores Monica and Monica follows her out into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to leave a party without saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasn't on purpose! But what you're during to me now is just plain spiteful! Mrs. Green: Spiteful?! Monica: That's right! Maybe it's time you took a good hard look at a mirror young lady...old lady...lady! Phoebe: (To Monica) Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up... Monica: So whenever you're ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day! (Monica and Phoebe reenter the apartment and Monica closes the door on a stunned Mrs. Green.) I can't feel my legs! Phoebe: You were fantastic! I'm so proud of you! Monica: Yeah? I'm proud of me too. Phoebe: You should be! Monica: Yeah could-could-could you get me something to drink? Phoebe: You got it! Monica: Okay. (When Phoebe turns around Monica runs out into the hall after Mrs. Green.) Mrs. Green! Okay I'm really sorry!! I'm apologizing for the-(She trips and falls down the stairs.) (Pause) Okay, I bit my tongue, but I'm still really sorry! Closing Credits [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is helping Rachel study for when the baby comes.] Rachel: (closing a book) Okay! I'm ready. Ross: You sure? Rachel: Yes, I've done my studying and I really know my stuff. Ross: All right then. (Gets up, in an announcer's voice) Rachel Green! Let's play Bamboozled! (Reading from a note card.) How do you test the temperature of the baby's bath water? Rachel: Uh, put your elbow in it. Ross: Excellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap? Rachel: Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers. Ross: That's correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the baby makes this sound? (Makes a sound like someone is choking a cat.) Rachel: Check if it's wet, check if it's hungry, burp it! Ross: Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked Wango card? Rachel: A card! A card! I pick a card! Ross: Oh, I'm sorry you've been Bamboozled! You're gonna be a terrible mother! (Rachel stares at him agape.) I've lost sight of why we're doing this! (Rachel gets up and walks away.)

Plan: A: Rachel's baby shower; Q: What event did Monica and Phoebe forget to invite Rachel's mother to? A: Sandra; Q: Who does Monica try to seek forgiveness from? A: her mother; Q: Who insists on staying with Rachel for eight weeks? A: Ross; Q: Who is Rachel's baby's father? A: her spitefulness; Q: What does Monica tell Sandra she is furious at? A: a host; Q: What job does Joey audition for? A: Bamboozled; Q: What is the name of the game show Joey auditions for? Summary: Phoebe and Monica prepare for Rachel's baby shower and forget to invite Rachel's mother. During the shower, Monica tries desperately to seek forgiveness from Sandra, but to no avail. Rachel realizes she has no idea how to look after the baby after the birth, so her mother insists on staying with her for eight weeks, much to her and Ross' annoyance. Ross eventually gives Rachel the confidence to be a mom and Monica lets Sandra know she's furious at her spitefulness. Joey auditions for a job as a host for a new game show called Bamboozled that makes absolutely no sense, and Chandler and Ross help him practice.

Opening scene - Cohen house in the morning - we see an outside shot of the house and range rover, then we see Sandy in the living room. Trey comes off the stairs with his bag packed, Sandy sees him standing in the hallway Sandy: (swallows coffee) morning (turns off TV) Trey: mornin Mr. Cohen (waves) (Sandy and Trey both head into the kitchen, at opposite ends) Sandy: so today's the big day huh...movin inta your new apartment (points) you got all your stuff Trey: (puts bag on bench) yeah it's not much ta get Sandy: you sure you don't need anything Trey: no thanks, you guys have already done more 'en enough Sandy: well your Ryan's brother, we're happy ta help Trey: still its-its (shakes his head) not many people (raises eyebrows) who'd take in an ex-con (Sandy looks at him) he's lucky ta have you Sandy: well your part'a this family now so if anything comes up (shakes Treys hand) we're here Trey: (small smile) thanks Sandy: grab yourself some breakfast, ill uh...ill drop you by your place on my way ta work Trey: I'm not really hungry but I will take you up on the ride Sandy: (looks at Trey) did'you tell Ryan you're leavin Trey: no but, its ok Sandy: (looks down) yeah, I don't know what happened with you guys, in fact I don't wanna know (Trey listens) an it doesn't matter who was wrong, but someone's gonna have'ta be the first ta reach out (Ryan comes in. Trey looks over) Sandy: there he is (Ryan looks at Sandy, and avoids eye contact with Trey) I tell ya the timing in this household is a thing'a beauty, I'm gonna leave you two ta say your goodbyes (looks at Ryan, Ryan looks at him) (to Trey) Trey ill be in the car (Sandy leaves and Trey raises his eyebrows and looks over at Ryan. Ryan looks at Trey, emotionless) Trey: (points) Sandy is givin me a lift over ta the apartment Ryan: you got everything Trey: (nods) you know its weird, bein able ta fit your whole life inta one bag (Ryan just blinks) (moves closer to Ryan) look, Ryan...I know it hasn't ben easy man but I want you ta know that I appreciate everything you an the Cohen's have done for me Ryan: funny way'a showin it Trey: (softly, sincerely) look I'm sorry Ryan, ok, I screwed up (Ryan looks at him) an you an Seth an Marissa, you guys saved my ass I know that, will you please just accept my apology (holds his hand out, hopeful) (Ryan puts his head down and Trey looks at him) Ryan: don't keep Sandy waiting (walks away) (Ryan walks over to the cupboard and Trey puts his hand down, disappointed. Trey walks over to the bench and looks at the back of Ryan, he picks up his jacket and bag then leaves the kitchen) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Harbor school - we see the outside of the school, kids walking around etc then we see Marissa walking down the hall, she goes over to Ryan and Seth. Ryan opens his locker Marissa: hey guys (smiles) Ryan: hey Seth: (waves) hey Marissa: what's up (touches Seth's arm) ...so uh Ryan doesn't Trey move inta the apartment today Ryan: (looks, then looks at his locker) uhhh yeah he left this morning (looks at Marissa, then looks down at his books) Marissa: well don't you think maybe (raises eyebrows) we should go by there, give him a housewarming gift Ryan: that's alright he doe'nt need anything Seth: you sure (Ryan looks at him) he doesn't exactly seem over burdened with possessions, unless that bag'a his is like Mary Poppins (Ryan looks at him) (shakes his head, closes his eyes) I wish I had never made that reference Ryan: look uh, he's got his own place he's out of our lives jus (looks at them both) let him go (Marissa looks at Seth out of the corner of her eye) Seth: you know you think maybe its time ta (Ryan looks up, but his back is facing Seth) forgive him for the whole yard sale thing Ryan: (shuts his locker) it wasn't a thing Seth he stole Marissa: only because he wanted ta be near you Ryan: (turns around) I appreciate what you guys are doin (looks at Seth, then Marissa)...but he's my brother...jus leave him alone (walks off) (Seth and Marissa watch Ryan walk away, they both look worried) CUT TO: Kirsten's office - Kirsten is sitting at her desk and Carter comes in holding their first issue of Newport Living. off screen we hear a knock Kirsten: (off screen) come in, good morning Carter: (walks in, smiles) Kirsten congratulations, as of this morning you are a bona'fied magazine publisher Kirsten: I know (smiles) the first issues on the stands Carter: I was referring to our very first libel suit Kirsten: (shocked) what Carter: Nick Morton, Newport Beach politico...doesn't like the profile we ran, thinks it makes him look sleazy Kirsten: you wrote that profile Carter: I know, I made him look sleazy (almost proud) Kirsten: well what're we supposed'ta do Carter: I thought id talk ta Sandy Kirsten: (looks at Carter) ...yeah you guys are friends now so great (Carter nods) Julies on her way - over (smiles) I have to explain ta her why she's not on the cover anymore (nods) Carter: hey she's ben ta Europe you know maybe she's become this...un-materialistic...humble (Kirsten laughs silently) sweet person Kirsten: (trying not to laugh) Carter we're talking about Julie (Julie walks in) Julie: (cheery) what about her Kirsten: (suprised) Julie (Carter hides the magazine behind his back) your (Julie smiles) we were jus saying how glad we are your back Julie: oh, well thankyou Kirsten (smiles) Carter Carter: Julie (smiles) Kirsten: so, how was Italy Julie: well Cal is still in Rome, some business thingy but scandal or no scandal I had ta be back for our first issue (smiles) Kirsten: (smile goes) Julie...there is something that I need ta tell you (Julie listens) uh (stands) after the whole... Julie: porno debacle, you can say it Kirsten: there were letters (Julie looks shocked) lots of letters, an then the advertisers s-started threatening ta cancel (frowns) so we had ta take you off the cover, I'm sorry (Julie looks at Kirsten, shocked) (Kirsten looks at Julie, sadly. Carter looks at Kirsten) Julie: (looks at Kirsten) you did the right thing Kirsten: (suprised) I did Julie: absolutely don't give it another thought...god it's really good ta see you (looks at Carter) both of you (looks at Kirsten) I really missed you (Julie smiles at them both, and leaves. Carter looks at Julie, thrown. Kirsten looks at Carter frowning) CUT TO: Harbor school - Seth and Zach are in the student lounge together, over at the bit where they get coffee Zach: (off screen) I'm jus saying Seth: (to the worker) thanks Zach: maybe I should do the talking this time Seth: Zach, do not worry ok, I promise you this wont be another wild storm, look I am calm, I am well rested (Zach sit on the couch) plus Reeds already read the pages an (sits) he freakin loves em, he's drivin all the way from LA jus ta meet us Zach: mm (looks at Seth, frowns) so what'do we know about this guy, what's he like Seth: I jus know that he's Carters assistant before goin'a work at bad science, we've only emailed Zach: (smiles in disbelief) dude I still can't believe we're gonna have our own graphic novel Seth (sits forward) I know I- (sees Summer walk in) I jus can't believe its two thousand five weren't we spose'ta have personal jet packs by now, who dropped the ball Zach: (lost) what're you talkin about Seth: (to Summer) hey Zach: (realises) oh hey, Summer (Zach and Seth make room for Summer to sit in the middle) Zach: we were just uh Summer: uh-hmm Zach: we were Summer: talking about your comic, don't lie ok (looks at Zach) Seth: (corrects) graphic novel (puts his finger up) (Summer looks at him) (mumbles) whatever...jus...a little different (Summer looks forward, and the three of them sit their quietly for a few seconds) Zach: (nods) right, well (stands) I'm gonna head ta class and uh have a good one (walks off) (Summer turns to the side and faces Seth, Seth turns to face Summer) Seth: I'm sorry ok (puts his hand on her shoulder) I know I promised it wouldn't be weird but I'm telling you this, from here on out, full disclosure ok ill tell ya (Summer closes her eyes and shakes her head) everything Zach an I do, an ill- I'm gonna let you know the ins an outs of whatever Summer: no Seth: an (suprised) what Summer: (looks at Seth) look I think that you an Zach working together is a bad idea, but (shrugs) I can't stop it Seth: Summer, come on Summer: no so here's the deal, whatever happens (closes her eyes) I don't wanna know anything about it, which means that as far as I'm concerned your little comic doesn't exist (raises eyebrows, smiles condescendingly then walks away) Seth: (corrects) graphic novel (looks down) CUT TO: Sandy's office - Sandy is sitting on the floor finishing of makingf a surfboard coffee table. Carter walks in Carter: a surfboard coffee table (Sandy looks over) I am in the OC Sandy: (laughs) Carter its good ta see ya (turns the coffee table over) yea, a little carpentry project while I'm between cases (stands) Carter: well I came at the right time (holds his hand out, they shake hands) you ever do any libel work Sandy: wow, one day on the stands you already got a libel suit, not bad (smiles) not bad, who is it Carter: Nick Morton Sandy: ah that sleaze bag Carter: mm, well he doesn't like ta be called one in print Sandy: oh id be happy ta help out, libel cases are notoriously hard ta prove, I'm assuming all your quotes are verbatim Carter: yeah, word for word, ill give you the interview tapes Sandy: great, should be a breeze Carter: (looking at the coffee table) you know I use'ta surf (Sandy looks at him) grew up in Long Island, Montauk point west end Sandy: I'm headin out tomorrow why don't you come with me Carter: oh I don't know I- its ben such a long time, I don't have a board Sandy: (shrugs) ill lend you one Carter: an if Kirsten asks why I'm not at work Sandy: you can tell her we'll be talking about the case (Sandy smiles, Carter smiles. he looks keen!) CUT TO: Treys apartment - we hear a knock and then see Trey open the door Marissa: (smiles) hey Trey: (suprised) Marissa Marissa: I brought you a little something (holds up a bag, Trey takes it) I figured this place could use some sprucing Trey: (looks in the bag) wow, that's a lava lamp Marissa: (nods) mm-hmm (smiles) Trey: that's uh that's great Marissa: Ryan wanted ta come but he had this thing after school Trey: ah-huh (looks down) (Marissa looks at Trey) Trey: (realises) uh, come in (points) (Marissa walks in. all we see is a yellow bean bag in an otherwise empty room) Trey: I still haven't bought chairs an tables an stuff but Marissa: nice bean bag (smiles) Trey: (laughs) yeah its kind of a stupid first thing ta buy, I've always wanted one (Marissa smiles) its kind of a...early birthday present ta my self Marissa: (interested) when's your birthday Trey: Saturday (nods) uh big two one, though after being in prison y'know being able ta buy beer feels a little anti-climactic (Marissa and Trey laugh. Trey looks away, then back at Marissa) Trey: uh d'you want somethin ta drink, I've got one glass (puts up a finger) but I can wash it Marissa: (smiles) no no that's ok um I should get going, but ill see you later Trey: sure Marissa: ok (heads to the door) Trey: thanks again (Marissa leaves and Trey leans on the door watching her) CUT TO: A restaurant - Seth and Zach are there for their meeting with Reed, the graphic novel guy Seth: he said he'd have all our stuff with him (looks around) Zach: (looks) um...Seth (we see what Zach is looking at. which is a girl at a table by herself, with their stuff spread out on the table) Seth: (looks) oh my god (turns away) ugh (Zach smiles) he's a she that's terrible, listen, Zach I love girls an I love comics, the two do not mix ok, its gonna be like, lets make their outfits cuter Zach: hey we're here lets jus give her the benefit of the doubt Seth: no Zaaaaaach (they walk over to the table. Zach smiles) Reed: you must be my two wonderkins (stands, and holds her hand out) Reed Carlson, bad science comics Zach: it's a pleasure to meet you (points to himself) I'm Zach (points) this is Seth Reed: I can't tell you how much I've ben looking forward ta this meeting Seth: (sits) oh that's great, lets jus get right ta the project Reed: oooo kay, I think that you have tapped inta something real (Seth listens) an compelling, I think the characters are vivid (Zach smiles, then looks at Seth) an engaging, especially The Ironist Seth: really Reed: yeah he's smart funny hip, he is unlike anyone else in comics Seth: (looks at Zach then back at Reed) wow well can I uh first just say how great it is ta finally see a woman involved in comics (Zach frowns) Reed: thankyou Seth: we were actually thinking of expanding The Ironists role a little bit uh- Reed: I have ta ask who came up with this business plan Zach: uh...I did (smiles) Reed: its amazing (smiles) Zach: really (huge smile) Reed: (Seth looks jealous) I mean I was a marketing minor in college (Zach looks at Seth) (Reed looks through the plan) but the fact that you put this together an your seventeen I-I'm in awe (Zach smiles, Seth looks at him) your like a Doogie Howser meets Gordon Gecko but with dimples Zach: well I'm...glad you liked it (phone rings. Seth looks unhappy about losing the attention) Reed: (picks up phone) uh that's my boss, just a sec (stands) (Seth doesn't look happy. Zach still has a huge smile) Reed: oh hey genius boy (Zach and Seth both turn around) (points) Zach right (Zach nods and Seth turns back around) could you order me an ice tea (Reed walks away. Seth rubs his neck) Zach: (excited) god how great is it, she liked my business plan Seth: (unenthusiastic) yeah it's really- very its very cool CUT TO: Cohen house - we hear the door bell, and then we see Ryan open the door. Marissa is standing there Ryan: (suprised) hey (frowns) what's up Marissa: can I come in Ryan: yeah (they are now walking into the kitchen together) Ryan: so what's goin on, you hungry, want somethin'a drink (goes to the fridge) Marissa: I'm fine Ryan: yeah Marissa: (hesitant) iiii jus came by ta ask you something Ryan: oh, ok, sure Marissa: ok uh (looks at Ryan) don't get mad... (hopeful) but I was thinking it might be nice (Ryan listens) ta throw Trey a birthday party Ryan: what Marissa: we could do it at my house (shrugs) by the pool (Ryan looks confused) you forgot Saturdays his birthday Ryan: no I- (looks at Marissa) ...yeah (nods) yeah I did (Marissa looks at him) (scoffs) you went over ta see him didn't you Marissa: Ryan- Ryan: after I asked you not to Marissa: I brought him a lava lamp (laughs) it was no big deal Ryan: (looks at Marissa) why are you doin all this...goin over ta see him, wantin ta throw him a birthday party Marissa: he's your brother Ryan: (upset) exactly...he's my brother (Marissa looks down) an if everyone had just let me handle it from the beginning then none'a this would'a happened...so I'm asking you again stop - pushing it Marissa: I'm sorry I thought- (Ryan glares at her) sorry (walks away upset) (Ryan looks as though he feels bad, then puts his head down) CUT TO: The pool house the next morning - Ryan is asleep on his side and Seth is holding a cup of coffee near his nose Seth: (waves the coffee, softly) Ryan, waaakkkee uuuuppp (Ryan sniffs) Ryyyyaaann (Ryan's eyes open and he leans up a little) Ryan wake up (Ryan goes to touch the cup) nooo get your own (sits near the bed) (Ryan groans) wake up man its a beautiful day, the suns shinin the birds are y'know, did I happen ta mention t'you last night about meeting Reed Ryan: beautiful, loves comics, promises to make you famous, yes Seth: so here's the thing, I'm a little bit worried about Zach (drinks) Ryan: Zach (nods skeptically) Seth: yeah (frowns) you shoulda seen him at the meeting, it was like Reed this Reeeed that, it was kind'a disgusting Ryan: (closes his eyes, with his head back on the pillow) an your sure it's Zach who has the crush (sighs) Seth: I love Summer, ok, Reed is a colleague, I jus don't want her ta like Zach more then me Ryan: hm Seth: hey you know this is actually our first conversation in the pool house since Marissa left Ryan: let's not talk about Marissa (gets out of bed) Seth: what, come on we did me let's go around the horn Ryan: we got in a fight yesterday cause she wanted ta throw a birthday party for Trey (puts his hands out, puts on his thongs) Seth: (thinks) its Treys birthday Ryan: Seth Seth: no hang on I'm jus thinking...how you know sometimes it takes an event (raises eyebrows) like a birthday or a wake (looks at Ryan) ta bring a family together (Ryan leaves the pool house) think about this, Trey, he's blowin out his candles on his birthday (Ryan is out of the shot now) his only wish is that his brother forgives him...its a pretty nice moment (nods) CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Marissa is getting ready for school, and Julie walks by about to make a phone call, she stops when she sees Marissa Julie: (pokes her head in) good morning (smiles) Marissa: (looks up) hey (small smile) Julie: (walks in) (sighs) oh it feels so good ta be home...oh an how much do I wish you could've come ta visit in Italy it was (thinks) it was magical Marissa: yeah if it was so great then why'd you come home early, everything ok with Caleb Julie: of course, I told you I-I ...needed ta come home for the magazine an (looks at Marissa) I missed you (Marissa rolls her eyes and has a slight smile. phone rings) Julie: oh (puts up a finger then answers with her back to Marissa who continues getting ready for school) yeah...d'you have an address...(scoffs) oh I should've known (hangs up) honey I have'ta go but lets have dinner tonight (puts her head on the side) jus the two of us ok (smiles) (Julie leaves and Marissa nods slightly, but she looks suspicious regarding the phone call she just over heard - the next thing we see is Julie in what looks like a bedroom. she puts a small key into a lock on a red velvet box, she turns the key twice and the lid lifts a little. she lets go of the key and slowly opens the lid all the way. inside the box is a fancy silver gun with a white handle. she picks up the gun and looks at it in her hand) CUT TO: The beach - Sandy and carter are in the parking lot of the beach. Sandy is holding a board near the car, and Carter is sitting on the bumper. the back is opened Sandy: (off screen) ah you're just out of practice (on screen) everybody hits themselves in the face with the board (puts board in the car) Carter: three times in one wave (rubs his foot) Sandy: well, that was impressive (smiles) Carter: (laughs) still, surfing the OC it's a world away from Long Island (Erin walks over to them. a gorgeous woman with a surfboard under her arm) Erin: hey Sandy (smiles) Sandy: Erin (Carter stands) how you doin, are you goin out Erin: yeah, I don't have'ta make rounds for a couple hours so I figured id get in the water (glances at Carter) Carter: hi (smiles) Sandy: Erin, Carter Buckley (Erin and Carter shake hands) he's running Newport Living, magazine my wife's company publishes Erin: oh yeah that came ta the office yesterday, I read the profile on uh (thinks) Nick Morton, way ta skewer him Sandy: (points) Carter wrote that Carter: an now we're being sued (Erin looks at him, almost impressed) Sandy: Erin's an orthopedist in town an an excellent surfer, Carters jus gettin back into it (puts the other surfboard in the car) Carter: yeah today I uh mastered hitting myself in the face (nods) Erin: (laughs) well any time Sandy's busy an you need a surf buddy, give me a call Carter: yeah thankyou, I m- I might do that Erin: (smiles) alright see you guys (Carter watches Erin walk away) Carter: yes a world away from Long Island (shakes his head) ill tell ya (Sandy nods, smiling. and it looks as though he's thinking about something) CUT TO: Harbor school - Marissa and Summer are in the student lounge together Summer: and he got mad because you wanted ta throw a party for his brother Marissa: uh its not jus the party, its ben building (sighs) I mean Trey coming here's ben really hard for him (sits on the couch) Summer: (sits) well you tried, if he doesn't want a relationship with his brother (shrugs) that's his problem Marissa: (thinks) id jus hate for him ta realise like two years from now how important his brother is an then find out he's lost him (looks down) Summer: (laughs) oh my god, you are the most supportive non-girlfriend (raises eyebrows) in history Marissa: (looks at Summer) come on you know if something important was happening in Seth's life you'd be there for him Summer: (thinks) right, of course (the camera pans across and Summer goes out of focus. in the background Seth and Zach come into focus, as they enter) Seth: an then when she started talkin, about how Iron mans armor - his old armor - is actually better then his ultimate armor I- Zach: dude, what about when she threw down on the whole cyclops versus storm debate Seth: I never thought talking about comic books could be so (closes his eyes) sexy Zach: a beautiful girl...who loves comics I-I didn't even know they existed Seth: its like finding the unicorn Zach, it's like finding a really hot unicorn Zach: you know it's just to bad you have a girlfriend now otherwise... Seth: (looks at Zach) see I was thinking (points) you could ask her out but now your workin together so there's that whole ss, professional ethics thing Zach: (frowns) yeah you know I was wondering, how did Summer take the fact that Reeds a woman, she's not bothered by out late nights work Seth: eh turns out Summer doesn't wanna know anything about the entire enterprise, so I couldn't tell her even (raises eyebrows) if I wanted to Zach: ah-huh Seth: yeah (Summer walks up) Summer: (smiles) hey guys Seth: hey Zach: hey Summer: hi, what's goin on Seth: (looks at Zach) nothin Zach: actually, we were jus talking about Reed (grins) (Seth gives him evil eyes) Summer: who's Reed Zach: (looks at Seth) Seth'll tell you, see ya later (Seth doesn't look impressed) Summer: (laughs, hits Seth on the arm) who's Reed Seth: uh you don't wanna know, it's a comic book rep (kisses Summers cheek, then hugs her) Summer: (feels bad) no, I do Seth: (looks at Summer) you do Summer: yeah (frowns) look I've changed my mind, I know this comic book is important ta you so it's important ta me (shrugs) I wanna know everything Seth: (dazed) everything Summer: yeah CUT TO: Lance's room - Lance opens the door and Julie is standing there, she has a serious look on her face Lance: (suprised) Jules, how the hell did'you find me Julie: well it was easy Lance, I jus looked for the cheapest, scummiest motel near a liquor store an wha-la, may I come in (doesn't wait for an answer) Lance: well I guess so (shuts the door) listen Jules (sighs) I don't know what your thinkin w- (Lance turns around to face Julie and she pulls the gun on him. he looks at the gun, stunned) Lance: what the hell is that Julie: it's a gun genius, you use it ta shoot people you wanna kill Lance: alright Jules...here's what happened- Julie: what happened...what happened is that you humiliated me in front of my friends an family (Lance looks almost scared) I've ben kicked out of every organisation an club I belong to, my own magazine has taken me off the cover and at home I have a teenage daughter who sooner or later will find out that her mother was a pornographer Lance: (breathes in) lets jus be reasonable here Jules Julie: (tears in her eyes) I am being reasonable...in one night...you destroyed a life I spent almost twenty years building...so I'm here ta kill you Lance: (panics, yells) jus wait (Julie pulls the trigger...the gun was not loaded so it just clicks. Lance looks at the gun, breathing heavily. a mixture of relief, and shock) Lance: (softly) there's no bullets Julie: (looks at the gun) no...unfortunately (looks at Lance) but for just a second...I wanted you ta feel like your life was being taken away (Julie looks Lance in the eyes before walking passed. Lance looks as though he understands how he made Julie feel now. and he almost feels bad!) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan is on his bed studying and Seth walks in Seth: hey, headed out ta pick up some Thai d'you wanna come Ryan: (doesn't look up) can't - studying history Seth: well (walks in) you know what's on the way ta the Thai place (claps) the apartment of a certain (flops on the bed next to Ryan) ex-con I know Ryan: that's quite a sell Seth: so your jus not gonna see him anymore Ryan: people who don't learn from the past are doomed ta repeat it, well, I've learned Seth: yeah you've learned but y'know your great victory's gonna be what (looks at Ryan) not seein your brother anymore (Ryan doesn't say anything) congratulations...look I'm not even talkin about like havin him move in or helpin him find a job or anything (Ryan looks at him) I mean I literally mean happy - birthday...four syllables (mouths it to make sure it is four, lol then nods satisfied) (Ryan looks at Seth then looks back at his work, he's considering) Ryan: (caves) four syllables, that's it (points) Seth: yeah (Ryan gets up off the bed and puts his hand out to help Seth up) Seth: (sits up) or six (takes Ryan's hand) Ryan: oooh (pulls Seth up) Seth: hey Trey - happy birthday (they head towards the door) CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Kirsten is sitting on the edge of the bed and she takes her shoes off. Sandy walks in, taking off his tie Sandy: hey (smiles) you jus get home (kisses Kirsten's cheek) Kirsten: yeah, I sent Seth out for Thai Sandy: oh, perfect, did Carter tell ya about surfing this morning, you know he's a little rusty but he's definitely got some skills Kirsten: (looks up) did you two manage ta discuss the case at all during your bonding session Sandy: oh you know a little, oooh comin outta the water we ran inta Erin Lee that young orthopedist (Kirsten listens) I think there're definitely some sparks between her an Carter (smiles, sits on the bed opposite Kirsten) so I was thinkin we should have em over for dinner, y'know set em up Kirsten: (turns around) wait, you're serious Sandy: yeah, Carters new in town, he doesn't know that many people Kirsten: (unenthusiastic) fine, sure Sandy: great (stands) ill make the calls (Sandy leaves the room, and the camera pans back over to Kirsten. she doesn't look happy about it) CUT TO: Treys apartment - Ryan and Seth pull up out the front. we can see the light is on inside Seth: alright, just in an out, hey, happy twenty first then we're at the Thai place Ryan: this is a mistake he's never gonna change Seth: dude, you gotta trust people more Ryan: (looks) there he is Seth: alright great, let's go (goes to get out) (we see Trey come out of the door and lock it) Ryan: (frowns) no, wait, wait-wait (puts his hand out) Seth: would you relax, he's probably jus goin'a buy cigarettes (we see a car pull up and Trey gets in it) Seth: or getting in an un suspicious looking Camaro...with a guy who looks like Blue Reed? (Ryan looks at him) alright, hope you like cold Thai (follows the Camaro) (we now see them in an aerial view, driving on the road) Seth: it's his twenty first birthday I'm sure he's jus goin out for a drink Ryan: whoa whoa there stoppin, pull over Seth: there probably jus pickin up a friend...iiiiinnnn a dark alley (Seth stops their car and we see the one Trey is in, turn down a dark alley and stop. Seth and Ryan watch as Trey gets out of the car and walks over to a rough looking guy. we see Trey take out his wallet and hand the guy money) Seth: who he owes some money to (Ryan doesn't look happy. Seth watches, frowning) CUT TO: Treys apartment the next morning - we hear impatient, loud banging. a sleepy Trey is headed towards the door to open it Trey: (sniffs) alright (more banging) alright (more banging) oh my god you have'ta be kidding me (shakes his head) (Trey opens the door and Ryan is standing there about to bang again) Trey: (suprised) what's up man (Ryan rushes forward and pins Trey against the wall, hard) Trey: what the hell is your problem Ryan: (still holding Trey) you're unbelievable you know that, I saw you last night Trey: what Ryan: (upset) wha'd you buy coke, speed (lets go of Trey) where is it, get rid of it right now! Trey: oh god man (walks away) Ryan: I am such an idiot for ever believin in you (turns to face Trey) Trey: here, why'dont you call my parole officer (holds up a card) cause it was his car I got into last night (throws the card at Ryan, hurt) Ryan: what Trey: (yells) yeah, guy in the alley, that's a buddy'a mine from prison who got out a few months ago an disappeared (Ryan looks at him) I asked my PO ta find him because I was worried Ryan: you gave him money Trey: he asked me for five bucks am I suppose'ta say no, guys livin in a trash can, god I was tryin'a convince him ta go to a shelter (Ryan looks at him) that's it Ry (Ryan and Trey look at each other for a few seconds. Ryan walks towards the door to leave and Trey steps in front of him) Trey: (voice breaking) an you know its-its funny (Ryan looks at him) cause when I saw ya, I thought ta myself...my brothers come over ta take me out ta breakfast for my birthday (Ryan looks at him helplessly. Trey moves out of the way and Ryan goes to leave) Trey: you know, maybe I'm the idiot for believin (Trey slams the door just as Ryan goes to turn around) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Marissa is lying on her bed reading a book and we hear a knock, she sits up a little and we can see Ryan standing in the doorway Marissa: hey Ryan: hey, hope I'm not um (Marissa looks at him, she still looks hurt over what happened earlier) Ryan: can I (motions to the door) (Ryan goes in slowly, and shuts the door behind him) Ryan: so I'm sorry about the other day I-I was outta line Marissa: (shrugs) he's your brother, I should've jus respected that Ryan: you didn't do anything wrong I...was takin out my frustration with him on you Marissa: so does that mean you're willing ta give him another chance Ryan: well if he's willing ta give me one (Marissa listens) last night Seth an I kinda followed him (sits) (Marissa looks at him) we hadn't meant to at first...but we did uh (sighs) we thought we saw him tryin'a buy drugs...so this morning Marissa: you went an accused him Ryan: pretty much (looks down) Marissa: an no drugs Ryan: (looks at Marissa) he...was helping out a homeless guy Marissa: (smiles, softly) ouch Ryan: (smiles) I don't know what ta do Marissa: well, as it happens you've come ta the right place (Ryan smiles at Marissa) CUT TO: The diner - Seth and Reed are sitting at a table together, discussing the graphic novel. Reed is looking through some of Seth's latest drawings in a folder Reed: oh Seth these new pages are great Seth: (plays it down) ah yeah, there y'know jus sketches mostly but thankyou Reed: oh I owe Carter big, you an Zach are a find Seth: yeah, yeah (sits back) we're a good team I mean (frowns) I come up with the stories, I write the dialogue I draw the pages an uh...Zach handles the late night coffee runs (Reed smiles) seriously if you need a bone dry cappuccino, Zach's, he's your go to guy so (points) Reed: well where is Zach anyway, I thought he was coming Seth: I don't know (thinks) what is it Saturday he's probably gettin a hair cut...you wouldn't know it but that guy spends copious amounts'a time grooming, let me ask you (points) did you get like a slight gay vibe from him at all (phone rings) Reed: (raises eyebrows) what Seth: excuse me (looks at his phone then answers) hey what's up girl-girl-girlfriend Summer: hey, Cohen, um I need your help Seth: I'm actually in a m-meeting right now with (swallows) with Reed Summer: oh ok well uh (frowns) when you're done with him will you meet me at Marissa's (raises eyebrows) Reed: oh my god I love these Little Miss Vixen sketches Summer: (overheard) who was that Seth: the waitress, anyways, I'm gonna call you back in a little bit Summer: ok, bye (hangs up) Seth: (hangs up) that's my mom Reed: you call your mom girlfriend (Seth nods, and raises his eyebrows) CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - we hear a door bell, then we see Julie answer the door. a delivery guy is standing there with a medium sized envelope in his hand Guy: (reads) Mrs. ...Cooper-Nichol Julie: yeah (the guy hands her something to sign. Julie signs her name and hands it back. the guy hands her the yellow envelope and she takes it, then shuts the door. Julie turns over the envelope and pulls open the top. she sticks her hand in and pulls out the p0rn IDENTITY tape. stuck to the tape is a yellow piece of paper, which she reads. Julie looks shocked) CUT TO: Treys apartment - its now night, we hear a knock on the door and then we see Trey opening it. a semi dressed up Marissa is standing there with a big smile on her face Marissa: hey Trey: (suprised) Marissa, what...are you doing here Marissa: (grabs Treys arm) come on I'm taking you out Trey: what Marissa: I'm taking you out it's your birthday (touches Trey's arm) no arguments Trey: ok...ok alright (nods then goes back inside) let me (puts up a finger) get my keys (Trey goes back out and pulls the door shut, then locks it) Marissa: (smirks) afraid someone's gonna steal your bean bag Trey: (looks at Marissa) yeah, actually Marissa: (laughs) hm, come on (pulls Trey away) CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - we the outside of the mansion. then we see Marissa keying herself back in at the front door Marissa: I can't believe I forgot my wallet it'll jus take a second (opens the door) Trey: (walks in) so where're we going ta dinner (shuts the door, and takes in the incredibleness of the house) Marissa: well...actually...I was thinking maybe we could eat in (holds her hands out) (we see Ryan, Seth and Summer standing there with a happy birthday sign strung across the fireplace near by) Seth: suprise Summer: suprise (Trey looks at them, shocked) Seth: (walks closer to Trey) well happy birthday dude (shakes Treys hand) Summer: yeah happy birthday (kisses Treys cheek) Ryan: (looks at Trey) happy birthday (holds his hand out) (Trey looks at Ryan's hand, then Ryan. he doesn't move. Seth Summer and Marissa all look uncomfortable, Marissa looks at Trey. Ryan waits. after a few seconds Trey moves forward and pulls Ryan into a tight hug {awww}) Ryan: (closes his eyes) sorry man (pats Treys back) (Marissa smiles) Seth: alright we have hot dogs, an hamburgers an kielbasas for you (touches Summers arms) Summer: Cohen learned how ta use the grill this summer, it's a major life achievement (Ryan looks at Trey) Seth: that's right I grilled some corn, I grilled some veggies...found somethin in Marissa's fridge (points) I jus, I grilled it (Marissa smiles) Trey: (puts his arm around Ryan) sounds great (Ryan puts his arm around Trey) (Trey and Ryan go over to Seth and Summer. Marissa goes to follow but Julie comes out) Julie: Marissa (Marissa turns around) I have'ta go out for a bit uh can I trust you while I'm gone Marissa: (closes her eyes) yes mom, it's only gonna be us (points) an maybe a couple girls from the charity league Julie: well I don't wanna come home an find I'm living in Delta house (looks over) is that Ryan's brother Marissa: yeah Julie: ok, well since he's twenty one I guess it would be ok if he had a beer, but jus one (holds up a finger) (smiles) see I can be a cool mom to, bye honey (kisses Marissa's cheek) mwa (Julie leaves. Marissa frowns then heads over to the others) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Kirsten puts some wine glasses on the bench and Sandy and Carter come in Sandy: one weekend we should drive down ta Swarmys, it's a little crowded but it's got a killer right Carter: (touches Sandy's shoulder) count me in, hey Kirsten Kirsten: (smiles) hey Carter, you look nice Carter: oh thanks uh Sandy told me ta spiff it up a bit Sandy: yeah I-I didn't want him to embarrass us (Kirsten looks at him, with her head on side) (doorbell) Sandy: that must be Erin (goes to answer the door) Carter: (softly) I um I hope this isn't uh strange or Kirsten: (shakes her head) no, its not, its fun (smiles) Carter: you know because this, it wasn't my uh, I didn't- (Sandy and Erin come in. Kirsten looks down) Sandy: Carter, you remember Erin (points) Carter: yes I do (shakes Erin's hand) hi Erin: (smiles) hi Carter: hi Sandy: my wife Kirsten (points) Erin: (leans over and shakes Kirsten's hand) nice to meet you Kirsten: you too (smiles) Sandy: I was jus sayin ta Carter that we should go down ta Swarmys some weekend, what'do you think Erin: sure (looks at Carter) id love to (Carter nods, then looks at Kirsten) Sandy: guys come on outside, the best thing about this place are the sunsets (Erin follows him) Carter: lead the way (looks at Kirsten before leaving) Kirsten: uh you all go, ill bring the wine (smiles) Sandy: (off screen) hey come on out ta the patio, w-watch your step, we've got about a minute an a half until the sunset is just - magical (Kirsten pours herself a glass of wine and swallows the lot in one hit. she doesn't look like shes coping well) CUT TO: The room - well that's what the green neon sign inside says anyway, lol. it appears to be a bar of some sort. Julie walks in and appears to be looking for someone. she walks over to a table and we see its Lance Lance: (stands) hey Jules, thanks for comin Julie: jus tell me what I'm doing here (reads the note) if you want the rest meet me, what'do you expect ta get Lance, my life is already ruined Lance: look I don't want anything (holds up a bag) here its...it's the rest'a da tapes (puts it down) look just yesterday I got offered eighty five hundred dollars for them but I said no Julie: (scoffs) oh, what a gentleman, so you want points for turning down eight grand after fleecing Caleb for five hundred thous- Lance: I didn't get a penny outta Caleb Julie: (confused) what're you talking about Lance: yeah, after he got the master tape he had me beaten up (looks at Julie) an threatened alot worse (Julie looks shocked) but I guess he didn't tell you that Julie: (stunned) ...no (sits) Lance: I thought he would just pay up...you know ta protect his wife an all...but I guess a guy like Caleb Nichol doesn't mind takin chances Julie: (dazed) yeah when it's my reputation he's gambling Lance: Jules, I never meant ta hurt you...honestly, but after he did that...well you know what I'm like when I think I'm being cheated Julie: yeah I remember Lance: look if I had the money now I would give it to you, every - cent (Julie listens) but I don't, I got nothing, not even the eighty five hundred (drinks) Julie: ...got enough ta buy me a drink CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - the party is now alot more happening then previously. there are a few kids wandering around by the pool. Ryan, Marissa, Seth and Summer are standing on the balcony looking down at them. Seth has his arm around Summer Ryan: huh so uh how many people would you say ya invited Marissa: (thinks) four Summer: yeah me to Seth: I don't even know four other people (Trey comes over) looks like word spread Summer: (laughs) yyyyeeeaaahhh (looks over) hey, check out Zach an that hotty Seth: hey that's um (we see Zach and Reed together) (Ryan and Marissa look at him) a very attractive woman Marissa: (frowns) she looks a little older don't you think, like maybe she's in college Seth (shakes his head, softly) I wouldn't- I don't- Summer: yeah...yeah, maybe he'll bring her out here Seth: yeah you know what, I think I see somebody doin magic by the pool, lets go check that out Summer: magic tricks (laughs) uh definitely somebody you invited (Seth watches Zach and Reed as he walks away with Summer - the next thing we see is Ryan and Marissa walking together inside) Ryan: this is fine, you won't get inta trouble for this right Marissa: yeah, it's not like I'm throwing a rager (doorbell. Marissa and Ryan go over to the door, Marissa opens it and a girl is standing there) Marissa: helloooo Girl: is there a party here Marissa: uh...yeah Girl: (turns around and yells) this is it (the girl runs inside and a whole heap of kids follow, screaming, woohooing and carrying booze etc. Ryan and Marissa just stand back and watch in disbelief) Ryan: I think the word has spread Marissa: yeah (Ryan puts his fist in the air and waves it around, copying another guy) CUT TO: The party - it is now a definite RAGER. we see closes ups of bikini clad girls dancing sexily, then a couple kissing heavy, then more girls dancing. then a guy with his hand up a blonde girls top, and the blonde girl looks pretty out of it. they kiss. then we see 3 guys doing shots together on the lounge. a few guys getting high, another guy doing a shot. a guy pours more alcohol into the shot glass and it goes everywhere. we then see a girl in the pool, and more girls having fun in the jacuzzi. then we hear screaming, and chug chug chug, a guy chugs a cup of beer. some guy dances weirdly near the pool. the guy who chugged the beer high fives his mates, and everyone screams wooooo. - we then see Seth walking around by himself, he taps a water polo player on the back who's in the middle of chugging a beer Seth: excuse me (guy turns around) sorry ta interrupt your drinking, I'm looking for uh Zach he plays water polo to Guy: are you talking ta me geek (another player knocks into Seth) Seth: oh uh I think you know the kickin a comic book guys ass, we're probably passed it (the first guy puts his hand around Seth's neck) ohhh your hand goes all the way around... kinda hard ta breathe (Trey goes over and pushes the guy that has hold of Seth around the neck. Trey grabs him around the neck and holds him on the ground. Seth and the other players watch) Guy: stop it alright (Trey just looks at him, angry) stop it, I got a game tomorrow Trey: yeah, then I suggest you go home - an get some sleep (Trey lets go of the guy, and the other guy goes over to help the first guy up. Seth kicks the guy on the ground in the stomach {good for him! lol} Trey puts his arm around Seth's shoulder) Seth: wow Trey: you ok Seth: thanks dude, its deja vu...OC party, attacked by water polo guy, saved by an Atwood, hello (a blonde girl is standing opposite Trey. she looks impressed with Treys performance) Jess: that was amazing, do'you like know akido or something (looks at Seth) Seth: ok ill jus go (walks away) Jess: I'm Jess (smiles) Trey: I'm Trey (looks down) nice tat Jess: thanks, it's a Buddha smoking a joint (the tattoo is on her stomach, a little below her belly button) Trey: that's very artistic Jess: (moves closer to Trey) id show you the rest but my boyfriends probably watching (Trey nods) we can go somewhere else Trey: (nods) sure (Jess takes Treys hand and leads him away - we then see Seth again, still looking for Zach) Seth: (calls) Zach Zach: Seth Seth: hey dude, you wanna explain yourself maybe Zach: (frowns) what're you talking about Seth: dude, Reed member the whole professional ethics conversation we had Zach: (frowns) oh yeah like not letting me know there was a meeting Seth: y'know first of all you were the guy, you were like I have a laundry list of things ta do Zach: (not impressed) what're you doing telling her I'm gay Seth: (puts a finger up) now I said gay vibe, I distinctly remember saying gay vibe, an the two are very different Zach: ok then how about me getting you cappuccinos...bone dry (frowns) wha-what'does that even mean Seth: god, what is she a court reporter Zach: (points at Seth then pushes through the crowd) scuse me, sorry (now opposite Seth) look, ok, I don't really wanna get inta this right now ok so you jus look for your date an ill look for mine Seth: fine CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - the room is dark and Jess and Trey walk in together. Jess shuts the door and leans against it, sexily Jess: finally (Trey looks at her) somewhere private...you don't go ta Harbor do you Trey: no, I jus moved here Jess: from where Trey: prison Jess: (moves closer to Trey) did you kill someone (raises eyebrows) Trey: no...I stole a car Jess: (looks at Trey) so what's a car thief doing at a Newport rager Trey: well actually...this is my birthday party (nods) Jess: well...convict (raises eyebrows then kisses Trey) time ta open your present (Jess looks at Trey then walks over and climbs onto Marissa's bed, next to Share Bear! she leans on her elbow and looks at Trey with a small, sexy smile. Trey looks at her then walks over) CUT TO: The room - Julie and Lance are sitting in a booth together drinking and talking like old friends Julie: oh my gosh, no but what was the name of that other guy Lance: Dwight Julie: oh no, oh (laughs) Dwight (Lance laughs) no he- he had that birthmark Lance: oh Julie: no I'm talking about the one (Lance laughs) the one who always said oh oh what was it, oh bottom line Lance: oh my go- everything was bottom line, like (with an accent) yeah Vegas bottom line your gonna get at the same time: Lance: screwed Julie: screwed Lance: yeah (Julie and Lance both laugh) Julie: or he'd say bottom line I'm- (Julie hears a song start to play on the juke box. its here I go again by Whitesnake) Lance: (looks at Julie) what Julie: (excited) oh my god Lance: what Julie: (gasps) d'you remember this concert (smiles reminiscently) Lance: yeah, you threw your shirt at the band Julie: no, no, no (points) that was the Rat concert Lance: oh you went through alotta shirts (Julie laughs and they clink glasses. then they drink, and laugh some more. Lance looks at Julie) Julie: ...this was actually pretty fun but uh Lance: hold on, don't go yet (Julie looks at him) one more drink...for Whitesnake Julie: (gives in) for Whitesnake Lance: yes (Julie and Lance clink glasses again) Julie: bring it on! CUT TO: The party/Rager - we see the kids dancing again, a girl dirty dancing with another guy and someone drinking. Summer slowly pushes her way through the crowd and manages to get into the bathroom, where Reed is standing at the sink Summer: (sees Reed) sorry Reed: oh no come in, there're already a couple people in the shower anyway Summer: wonderful (shuts the door) uh-hm (walks over to the sink) aren't you here with Zach (from here we can see Summer and Reed talking to each by their reflections, we can't see the actual them. Reed is putting on lipstick) Reed: yeah (smiles) I mean just as friends Summer: (smiles) he's a great guy, isn't he Reed: oh my god (looks at Summer) so sweet...an cute, I can't believe he doesn't have a girlfriend Summer: (frowns) well, some girls at our school can be idiots Reed: I know this sounds crazy but uh...have you ever heard of Little Miss Vixen Summer: (looks at Reed) yeah um, how d'you know about Little Miss Vixen, d'you know Seth Reed: yeah I'm working with him on his comic book (looks at Summer away from the mirror) I'm Reed CUT TO: Seth standing by himself outside. an angry Summer comes up behind him Summer: you ass! (touches Seth's back, he turns around) he's a she Seth: hey, what're you doing Summer: Reeds a girl! Seth: ok I-I never said th- Summer: (upset) don't you dare, don't you even pretend that you didn't lie Seth: I jus, I knew you would get the wrong idea Summer: (puts her head back) oh, right this is my fault, because of course I wouldn't wanna know that my boyfriend met some gorgeous twenty three year old who loves comics an thinks he's the next Brian Bendis whatever that means Seth: she said that, she thinks I'm the next Bendis Summer: (can't believe it, puts up her hand) oh my god (walks away) Seth: (follows) hey...Summer look I'm sorry I should've told you ok Summer: (calls out) Zach (Zach looks down) Zach hey are you leaving Zach: yeah Summer: can I get a ride (Seth is making a 'no, don't' motion to Zach) Zach: um (looks at Reed) yeah (Summer heads over to Zach. Seth just watches) Seth: Summer please Summer: Cohen jus shut up (looks at Seth) cause even when you're not lying, you're lying (Summer walks up the stairs between Reed and Zach. Seth watches helplessly, Zach grins back at Seth, enjoying Seth's situation) CUT TO: The room - Lance and Julie are dancing together. Julie is drunk and singing along enthusiastically, to the song on the juke box, every rose has its thorn Julie: (sings and sways) every rose has its thorn...every night has its dawn (drinks a shot) Lance: wow (smiles) Julie: (swallows, continues singing) cowboy sings the sad, sad song (puts the shot glass down and throws her head back) every rose has its thornnnnn (almost head bangs) (Lance laughs) (points) Poison rocks Lance: they did, they did (laughs and hugs Julie) oh baby I think its time ta get you home Julie: (smile goes) oh yeah, home, great... home yeah...Caleb's gonna divorce me Lance: (looks at her) Jules Julie: no, you know he said he didn't judge me about the whole...ya know...but uh-hh...all during this trip he didn't even look at me, I mean an when he did I could see it in his eyes, he was (shakes her head) disgusted Lance: that's not true

Plan: A: Marissa; Q: Who throws a birthday party for Trey? A: a relationship; Q: What does Marissa want to help Trey and Ryan forge? A: Caleb's mansion; Q: Where does Marissa throw Trey's birthday party? A: a rager; Q: What kind of party does Marissa throw for Trey? A: the waves; Q: What do Sandy and Carter hit together? A: double-date; Q: What do Sandy and Carter decide to do? A: Reed's true identity; Q: What does Summer discover? A: hot water; Q: What does Summer leave Seth in? A: Julie; Q: Who leaves town on the heels of her disgrace? A: an "old" friend; Q: Who does Julie reminisce about the Whitesnake concert with? Summary: It's Trey's birthday and Marissa, anxious to help Trey and Ryan forge a relationship, throws a birthday party for Trey at Caleb's mansion that turns out to be a rager. Sandy and Carter hit the waves together and decide to double-date and Summer discovers Reed's true identity, leaving Seth in hot water. Meanwhile, Julie leaves town on the heels of her disgrace, but comes home and reminisces about the Whitesnake concert with an "old" friend.

[N.B. This episode is the first where Dan Butler's name appears in the opening credits as a regular cast member.] Act One Scene 1 - KACL. Bulldog is on the phone outside the booth. Bulldog: Baby, baby. All I'm saying is we should cool it for a while. What's that saying... er... if you love something, let it go; if it comes back to you... yadda, yadda, yadda? Yeah, that's it. Don't get me wrong, I'm really broken up about this. At this point Frasier walks past and Bulldog shouts at him as he throws him a tennis ball. Needless to say Frasier tries to catch it, juggles it like a hot potato then eventually throws his hands up in despair and goes into his booth. Bulldog: [still on the phone] Come on now. No tears. I'll never forget you either, Sandy. Linda? Really? I thought I was talking to your sister. Oh well, tell her same goes. [hangs up] Meanwhile Frasier is in his booth. Roz walks in. Roz: Hey Frasier, do you have a minute? Frasier: Yes, of course, Roz. What is it? Roz: Well, you're not going to like this idea. You're going to complain and make up excuses and then say no anyway. Frasier: Those are the very words I would use to woo my dear Lilith. Roz: OK, here goes. I have this friend and I think you two would really hit it off... Frasier: And you were wondering if I might meet her for a drink, which might lead to dinner, and then after that who knows where? Roz: Yes, exactly. Frasier: [suddenly gets concerned] Ooh, oh Roz. Do you hear that? Roz: What? Frasier: If you listen very carefully you can actually hear my skin crawling! Roz: I know, blind dates stink. But she's my friend and I'm worried about her. Frasier: Oh, Roz. Roz: When was the last time you were with a woman? Seems like almost a year. Frasier: Oh, it has not been that long. I mean, that is a laugh! Hah! The last time was... [thinking] er... well, let's see... Well, the tree was still up. Oh, God! Roz: Her name is Sharon. She's five-seven... Frasier: Oh Roz, I'm not interested. Roz: But she's an incredible person. She's smart, she's funny, she's a former pro-golfer. She just hasn't met the right guy. Frasier: A woman golfer. Are we quite certain there is a right guy? Roz: She dates men. Frasier: [picks up his briefcase] Not this one. Roz: She plays chess. She loves your show. [he leaves through the door] And I know this sort of thing isn't supposed to matter to people like you but I've seen her in the showers at the gym and she has a body that makes Bo Derek look like Bo Diddley! Frasier: [poking his head back round the door] A chess player, did you say? Roz smiles and nods. NOTHING SAYS "I LOVE" YOU LIKE DEEP FLANNEL LININGS Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Martin walks in after taking Eddie for his walk. However, there is no sign of Eddie. The ankles of Martin's pants are soaked. Daphne comes through from the kitchen. Martin: Look at these pants. Daphne: Oh dear, Mr. Crane. Did Eddie drag you through the puddles again? Martin: Every last one of them. [looks outside in the hall] Eddie, get in here. Eddie, I mean now! [A very sheepish Eddie walks in slowly, keeping his head down] What am I going to do with you? My favourite shoes are soaked. Eddie, look at me when I'm talking to you. Daphne: You're doing it again. Martin: What? Daphne: You're acting like one of those nut jobs in the park who treat their pets like children. Martin: Yeah? Well, when you do it outside you're a nut. When you do it inside it's your own damn business. Eddie, go to your room! [Eddie runs off] Daphne: Don't worry about your shoes. I'll get them all dried out for you. Martin: Well, I hope. They're not just any shoes, you know. These are Mocarbies - the most comfortable shoes made. Air- cushioned in-soles, deep flannel lining. You know, I remember one anniversary I surprised Hester with a pair of Lady Mocarbies. I don't remember which anniversary, but I know it ended with a zero. Daphne: I don't doubt that! As Daphne takes off Martin's shoes and heads into the kitchen, Eddie runs out from the bedroom with Martin's slippers in his mouth. Martin: Oh, all right, I forgive you. I love you too. Frasier walks out from his bedroom through to the living room, dressed in a suit. Martin: You'll always be my very best boy. Frasier just walks past with a look of disdain. Martin notices the suit and whistles at him. Frasier: You know, Dad, there are some fathers who actually praise their sons and whistle at their dog? Martin: New suit, huh? Who's the lucky girl? Frasier: Well, if you must know I'm meeting a friend of Roz's today after work, but it's no big deal. Martin: Well, congratulations. What's it been? A year? Frasier: It has not been that long! Martin: I remember the tree was still up. Frasier storms off into the kitchen where Daphne is busy. Daphne: Well, look at you all dressed up. Frasier: Yes, it's a new suit. Yes, I'm meeting a woman. And yes, it has been a while. Daphne: Thanks, that reminds me. I have to order my cards. Frasier: [examining the microwave] Daphne, are you finished here with the microwave? Daphne: Oh, no! She rushes to the microwave and opens the door, releasing a cloud of smoke just as Martin wanders into the kitchen. Martin: My Mocarbies! Daphne: I didn't mean to leave them in there so long. Frasier: Yes, well, English cooking strikes again! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Café Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are sitting at their usual table. Frasier: Well, I think you should be happy that one of your patients feels healthy enough to terminate his therapy. Niles: I would, but it's happened so often lately I find myself in financial straits. Deep financial straits. Look at this belt: [opens up his jacket before whispering] Spanish leather! Frasier: Yes, well if Mr. Blackwell comes in I'll create a diversion, you can make a dash for it. Niles: Obviously the time has come for me to expand my practice, so I'm placing an ad in the Seattle "Style" magazine. Frasier: An advertisement? Isn't that a bit commercial for a psychiatrist? Niles: Said Dr. Pot to Dr. Kettle! Besides, a highly respected obstetrician on my floor did it and now his waiting room has more swollen bellies than a Buddhist temple. [laughs at his joke before handing Frasier the ad] I'm on my way to call it in. I just wanted to run it by you. Frasier: All right. [reading ad] "Dr. Niles Crane, Jung specialist. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me where it hurts." Well, that's just excellent, Niles. All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon of you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head! Niles: Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus. [gets up to leave] I'm off. Roz walks in and sees Niles. Roz: Hey, wild thing. Niles: Yes, hello. Roz: Look, we have on the same belt. Niles: [horrified] Oh my God! Niles leaves and Roz goes over to join Frasier. Frasier: Hi, Roz. Roz: Hey, Frasier. OK, Sharon's gonna be here any minute. Frasier: You didn't say anything to her? Roz: No, not a word. She has no idea this is a set-up. Frasier: Good, good. Now, listen. If I don't like her I will simply excuse myself and leave. But if I do like her I will find some polite and discrete way of hinting to you that you may go... Roz: Hi, Sharon! Roz waves to a stunning leggy blonde that has just walked in. Frasier: Beat it, Roz! Sharon comes to join them. Sharon: Hi, Roz. Roz: Look who I ran into. My boss - Dr. Frasier Crane. Frasier, this is Sharon Payton Sharon: Oh, pleased to meet you. I'm a big fan of your show. Frasier: Thank you. Sharon: I'm sure you're tired of hearing that. You probably get it all the time. Frasier: Oh, well, not lately! Roz: Listen, Sharon, I'm so sorry to do this to you but I just got a call from the office and it's urgent and I have to go. Sharon: Oh, sure, that's all right. Frasier: Well, you know, as long as you're here you might as well join me. Sharon: That'd be nice. Roz: OK. Frasier: Bye, Roz. Roz leaves. Sharon: You know, I really do love listening to your show. I think it's because you have such a soothing voice. Frasier: [smooth] What a kind thing to say. Sharon: I even called in once. Frasier: Really? May I ask what the problem was? Sharon: Well, I'm terribly competitive, which is great for sports - I used to play pro-golf - but sometimes it seeps into my personal life. Frasier: Ah, well, I don't think that's too great a problem, but if I were to make a recommendation it might be to start seeing a therapist. Both laugh at this. Meanwhile Bulldog has came into the Café and walks up to their table. Bulldog: Whoa! Hello, gorgeous. Frasier: Hello, Bulldog. Bulldog: Not you. Hey, aren't you gonna introduce me? Frasier: Well, actually I wasn't, no! Bulldog: [introducing himself] Bob Briscoe. Sharon: [shaking hands] Sharon Payton. Frasier: Yes, good to see you, Bulldog. [trying to push him away] Don't be a stranger. Bulldog: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Sharon Payton - I know you. [grabs the nearest seat that happens to have someone sitting on it] LPGA. You won the Denver Open in 1992. Frasier: 1992? You know, that's a fabulous year for a particular Chambertin I took a shine too... Sharon: [ignoring Frasier and speaking to Bulldog] I know you too. You're that guy that says golf is not a sport. Bulldog: Well, it's not. Sharon: Really? Bulldog: Yeah. No cheerleaders, no blood and the only cups involved are in the ground! Frasier: You know, this reminds me of a debate I had with my brother Niles about whether or not Steven Sondheim is really light opera... Sharon: You know, I have a theory that people who put down golf do so because they can't play well. Bulldog: Is that a challenge? Sharon: It might be. Bulldog: If we leave right now we can get in 9 holes. Sharon: Loser buys dinner. Bulldog: I got a 9 handicap. Sharon: You're on. [turns to Frasier] Frasier, would you like to join us? Frasier: Well, no, I don't play. Sharon: Well, it was really nice meeting you. Frasier: Likewise. Sharon: I'll get my coat. She leaves Bulldog and Frasier alone. Frasier: Bulldog! Roz set this up that I might meet Sharon. Until you got here things were going in a very positive direction. Bulldog: Yeah, well, things seem to have changed, haven't they? What do you eggheads call that? Irony? Frasier: Is there nothing I can do to appeal to your sense of decency? Bulldog: Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way my other senses are enhanced! Bulldog walks out with Sharon, leaving Frasier looking particularly frustrated. IT'S HAMMER TIME Scene Four - Daphne's Car Daphne is busy driving down the street while Martin is in the front seat still babbling about his shoes. Martin: ...but the real secret to Mocarbies is that they mold themselves to the shape of your foot. Now my problem was always hammer toes. If you had hammertoes you had a hell of a time buying shoes. But Mocarbies fit over my hammer toes like a glove. Funny, you know? When you're young you dream about fame and fortune. When you get to my age all you really want out of life is a comfy pair of shoes. Daphne: Right now I'd settle for never hearing the words "hammer toes" again! Martin: Hey, don't give me any attitude. Wasn't me that nuked the Mocarbies. Daphne: I'm not the one who can't remember where the store is where you bought the damn shoes. Martin: Just drive. I'll tell you when to stop... STOP! Daphne: [braking, looking out the window] Is that it? Martin: It's a red light! In this country we stop for those. Daphne: All right, all right. Martin: Woman driver! Daphne: Hammer toes! [SCENE_BREAK] WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BULLDOG? Scene Five - KACL Frasier is busy in the booth and looks bored. Roz walks in. Roz: [punching Frasier on the arm] Frasier. Frasier: What? Oh, oh. Haven't you spoken with Sharon? Roz: I tried but she wasn't home all weekend. [punching Frasier on the arm] Frasier! Frasier: Look, before you snap my behind with a wet towel, last time I saw Sharon she was leaving Café Nervosa with Bulldog. Roz: [punching Frasier violently on the arm] Frasier! How could you let that happen? Frasier: Well, I don't know. The whole thing was sort of a blur. We were talking about golf and something called a handicap, the next thing I know I'm sitting there with a cappuccino muttering to myself in a very soothing voice. Roz: I'm sorry. Frasier: It's all right, Roz. It's just the whole thing catapulted me back to high school. You know me as an adult, but back then I was rather an un-athletic, bookish sort. Roz: [sarcastic] Get out! Frasier: Jocks were the bane of my existence. They would always call me a "weenie" and steal all the girls that I wanted. Roz: Oh Frasier, you must have had some girlfriends. Frasier: Friends, yeah, yeah. Any time they wanted a sensitive shoulder to cry on, until some blond-headed pillar of testosterone would come by and it was, "Bye Frasier, we can study later." I'd head home to Niles and we'd put on "The Brandenberg Concertos" and play air violin. Roz: Jeez, what a couple of Nerdlingers! Frasier: I suppose you were Miss Popular at High School? Roz: I would say yes. Frasier: I'm guessing that explains why, too! Bulldog walks in looking like the cat that got the cream. However, his second skin of cockiness seems to be missing. Bulldog: Hey guys. What a weekend... Roz: Listen, Bulldog. Sharon is my friend and you'd better not hurt her! Bulldog: Hurt? Hurt her? [swaying] I'm crazy about her! I never felt this way before. You know, on my way to work, all these songs on the radio suddenly made sense to me? Have you ever listened to the words to "Time in a Bottle"? It's so beautiful, man; I had to pull over. Roz: [horrified] Oh my God. It's in love! Bulldog: [holding Frasier and Roz's hands] Last night for the first time in my life I actually said those three little words - "stay for breakfast." Frasier: [appalled] You had s*x with Sharon? Bulldog: Doc, please! We "made love." You know what? I gotta call her. [picks up the phone] No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get. [slams phone down] But I miss the sound of her voice. I'm calling her. [picks up phone] No, wait. It's too needy. Chicks hate that. [puts phone down] I shouldn't call her. But I want to! [picks up phone before putting it down again] Doc, what should I do?! Frasier: [by now thoroughly mystified] Don't ask me. I don't even know who you are! End of Act Two Act Two Scene One - The streets of Seattle. Martin and Daphne are still busy hunting for the shoe store. Martin is looking into an old shop that is now covered with an iron grille and has obviously been closed for a while. A homeless man is lying nearby. Martin: This was it. This was the Mocarbies store. Now it's gone, and so are the only shoes I've ever loved. Daphne: Mr. Crane, look at me. We're talking here about something that's old and smelly and dirty. Tramp: Hey! Martin: Not you. We're talking about Mocarbies. Tramp: Ah! Great shoes. They used to sell them here. Martin: What happened to the store? Tramp: Moved. Daphne: Do you know where? Tramp: Yeah. It'll cost you. Martin: [going into his pocket] How much? Tramp: Not money. I want a kiss. Daphne: [horrified] What? Martin: You heard him. Daphne: Mr. Crane! Martin: You heard him. You owe me. It's only a kiss. Tramp: Not her. [smiles at Martin] Martin looks terrified and goes to hide behind Daphne who is busy smiling at him. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - KACL. Frasier is finishing up his show. Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780 Talk radio. Niles walks in carrying a magazine. Niles: I thought you'd never finish. Frasier: You know, Niles, what say I buy us dinner with a lot of martinis? Niles: Sounds great, except for the dinner part! Frasier: I take it you had a bad day too? Niles: I had an abysmal day. Remember the ad I placed? Frasier: Oh yes - "Dr. Niles Crane, Jung specialist," blah blah blah. Niles: Yes. Well, they've made a tiny little typo. See if you can find it. [hands Frasier the magazine] Frasier: [reading] "Dr. Niles Crane..." [a look of realisation] "Hung specialist." Oh, my! Niles: The rest they got perfectly. [continues reading] "Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed." [looks at Frasier with a sorrowful face] "Tell me where it hurts!" Frasier: Well... any calls? Niles: It's a telethon, Frasier. Frasier: Yes. We'll start with double martinis. Niles and Frasier leave the booth and run into Bulldog, who is on the phone to Sharon. Bulldog: Hey Doc, wait a second. I need the name of one of those fancy restaurants you go to. [into phone] Hey, hi Sharon. It's me, Bob. I had a great time last night. Listen, how about dinner tonight? You do? All right, how about tomorrow night? Hey, it's a good thing I'm not paranoid - I'd think you were dumping me! [pause] Whoa, I walked into that one! Yeah, me too. Good luck, Sharon. [hangs up] Frasier: I'm sorry, Bulldog. Niles: [placing his hands supportively on Bulldog's shoulders] Me too. [moves Bulldog away from the phone] I'll call Francois, see if he can get us a table on the patio. Pete, Bulldog's producer, sticks his head out of the booth. Pete: [poking his head out the booth] Ten seconds, Bulldog. Bulldog: [running into the booth] Oh, right, right. Frasier: [following him in] Bulldog - are you going to be all right? Bulldog: Me? Huh, are you kidding? I'm the Bulldog! He rattles his accessories and sits down to start his show while Frasier leaves. Bulldog: Attention, sports fans, you're in the Doghouse! [barks, but breaks off midway] First, some weekend scores. In football the Packers crushed the Saints [stuttering] 42 to 10 and the 49ers humiliated [nearly in tears] the Patriots 35 to 7. And in golf... Bulldog takes a long pause. By now Frasier has joined Roz and Pete in the booth and all are looking concerned. Bulldog: Golf? Hey, golf sucks. Let's go to calls. [puts a caller through] Hey, you're in the Doghouse. Put on a flea collar! Bulldog speaks to the caller. Meanwhile Niles rushes into the studio to speak to Frasier. Niles: We have the table, Frasier, but Francois says he can only hold it for ten minutes. Frasier: [brushing Niles off] In a minute. Back in the booth: Jerry: [v.o.] What's up with the rumour that the Seahawks are thinking of leaving Seattle again? Bulldog: I have no respect for them, man. Anyone who has their fun, then they [nearly in tears again] just leave you... hey, to hell with them, right? We'll get another team. A team that- a team that will never leave us... [breaks down completely into tears] ...a team we can love forever. In the studio: Roz: You gotta go to commercial. Pete: I already did. Frasier: [rushing into the booth] Bulldog, are you going to be all right? Do you think you can take the show? Bulldog gets up and runs out of the booth sobbing. Roz: Wait, Bulldog. We need a tape. Where's "The Best of Bulldog"? Bulldog: [weeping] She took the best of Bulldog! Pete: We got dead air in fifteen seconds. Roz: Great. OK, I'll go get Bulldog. [turns to Frasier] You take over the show. Frasier: Me? A sports show? Roz: [rushing out] You're the only one here. Frasier takes his seat and rushes about, putting his headphones on the wrong way, hitting Bulldog's horn and generally looking completely lost. Frasier: OK, sports enthusiasts. This is Dr. Frasier Crane filling in for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe. [bangs a cymbal] You're on the air. Mike: [v.o.] This is Mike. I wanted to talk to Bulldog but you'll do. So what's your take on the damn Yankees this season? Frasier: Are you speaking of the frothy musical adaptation, or the baseball team of which I know nothing? Mike: What a weenie! [hangs up] Frasier: Doesn't that take me back? But he brings up a good point. You see, while I'm on the air, please feel free to call up about anything other than sports. Please. [takes a call] Hello, you're on the air. Jake: [v.o.] Yeah. You think it was a good idea for the Sonics to give up those draft choices so they could free up some money under the cap, you know, to go after a wide body to help them in the paint? Frasier: [staring straight ahead, completely and utterly lost] Yes! [takes another call] You're on the air. [SCENE_BREAK] The scene switches to the men's bathroom. Roz rushes in to try and find Bulldog who is hiding in a stall. There is a man standing at the urinal. Roz: Bulldog, I know you're in there. Get out here! [turns to see the man who doesn't look pleased to see her] Oh, give me a break, Leonard - like you haven't fantasized about this moment. Bulldog: Go away, Roz. Roz: Will you grow up? So you got dumped. You got a little payback for the way you've treated women all your life. Besides, the Bulldog I know doesn't get sad. He gets angry. Bulldog: You're right! [shouting violently:] THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL... [breaks down again] ...total B.S. Niles wanders in and stares at the scene unfolding before him. Roz: If you don't come out in the next thirty seconds I'm going to reach in there and grab you out by your ankles! Niles: Hello, Roz. Playing hard to get? Roz: It's Bulldog. You're a psychiatrist, help him. Niles: As distressed as I am by his condition, he's not the only one who's suffering here. In eight minutes Frasier and I are going to lose our patio table. Roz: Well, as long as Frasier is filling in for Bulldog you're not going anywhere. Niles looks shocked and turns to help Bulldog while brushing Roz out the bathroom. Niles: You poor man. Help is at hand! Bulldog: No, no shrinks. I hate shrinks. You're all a bunch of wimps, weirdos... [comes out the cubicle and collapses in tears on Niles's shoulders] Help me! Niles: There, there. I'm here for you. [pushes Bulldog away] And you're over there for me. Well, I sense you're in a great deal of pain. Bulldog: Yeah. Make it stop. Niles: No. The first step towards healing is not to bury the pain, but to feel it at its fullest depth. Bulldog lets out a wild scream that completely scares Niles. Niles: OK, well before security arrives, let's skip onto step two. Frasier charges in. Frasier: What is going on? Niles: Excuse me, Bulldog. Frasier, please, we are in session. Frasier: Look, Niles, we have to pull this man together in minutes, not in a lifetime! Niles: How dare you talk to me like that! Niles and Frasier proceed to argue loudly while Bulldog remains curled up on the bathroom floor. Frasier: We don't have the time for this. Now get out! Niles: All right, all right. Bulldog, I'm referring you to my brother. Frasier, I'll call Francois and tell him there's been a death in the family. That ought to buy us another ten minutes. Niles rushes out, leaving a depressed Bulldog and a stressed Frasier. Frasier: All right, Bulldog. Look, we're on a newsbreak. You have got to pull yourself together, because there is no way I'm enduring anymore of that humiliation! Bulldog: I'm not going out there, man. Frasier: You have got to! I can't even decipher the abbreviations on the scoresheets. I'm guessing by your producer's guffaws that "IND" is not the Cleveland Independents! Bulldog: I just never felt this way about a chick before. I was even thinking about me and her having kids. Isn't that scary? Frasier: Positively bone chilling. Bulldog: [weeping] It hurts like hell. Frasier: I know, I know, Bulldog. You know, often through pain we can achieve emotional growth. It reminds me of a paper I recently presented to the Vancouver Psychiatric Association. The ground of my discourse was that the sufferer - i.e., you... Bulldog: Doc, Doc, you're hurting my head here! Can you stop being a shrink and just be like a guy. Frasier: [thinking] Like a guy... Like a guy... [pauses for a moment] SCREW HER! Bulldog: What? Frasier: [angrily] Yeah, you don't need her. She's trash! Bulldog: Yeah, that's right. Frasier: You're better off without her, we both are! Bulldog: I like the sound of this. Frasier: Yeah, so do I. Unattractive yet liberating, rather like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit. [realising he's going off track] I'm sorry. SHE'S A BITCH! Bulldog: Hey, she wasn't even that hot. Frasier: You're right. All she did was save you the trouble of having to dump her! Bulldog: [upbeat] I never thought about that. Frasier: There you go! Bulldog: I'm feeling a little better, Doc. Frasier: That's right. Bulldog leaves the bathroom followed by Frasier. Bulldog: Thanks. It's great talking to you [holds out his hand] Frasier: [shaking his hand] Likewise. You know I could talk like this for another [checks his watch] thirty seconds. The scene switches to the booth as Frasier and Bulldog walk in and Bulldog takes his seat for the show. Frasier: She was nothing! She was less than nothing! Bulldog: Yeah, right. Frasier: Tomorrow you're gonna find someone even hotter, and you know what you're gonna do? Bulldog: What? Frasier: You're gonna have your fun with her, and then you're gonna DUMP her just for the hell of it! Bulldog: Yeah, DUMP HER! Frasier: And you know what?! You're not gonna feel bad about it at all! And you know why?! BECAUSE WE'RE GUYS! AND THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO!!!!! Bulldog raises his arms in joy and lets out a dog howl. Frasier about turns and walks out the booth, meeting Niles. Niles: Distressing news, Frasier: Francois gave away our table. Frasier: SCREW HIM! Niles: [shocked] Excuse me? Frasier: You heard what I said! We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant! There are plenty of restaurants in town! I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation! Niles slaps Frasier, snapping him out of it. Frasier: Thank you, Niles. Niles: You're welcome. Frasier: Yes, you know, if we hasten, perhaps we can catch the first seating at Cigar Volante. Frasier and Niles run out the corridor, both with fairly prancing gaits. End of Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier puts on his stereo and starts playing air violin while Eddie just sits back and watches. Frasier notices Eddie watching but this only encourages him as he takes out a handkerchief and places it on his shoulder to make the whole thing look more realistic. Niles is watching the whole thing from the sofa and gets up and joins Frasier in playing air violin. Eddie simply buries his head in the sofa.

Plan: A: Roz; Q: Who arranges a blind date for Frasier? A: a former professional golfer; Q: What is Sharon's profession? A: golf; Q: What sport did Sharon play professionally? A: Bulldog; Q: Who does Sharon leave with? A: a game; Q: What does Sharon challenge Bulldog to? A: Roz's anger; Q: What is Roz's reaction to Bulldog and Sharon becoming an item? A: his show; Q: What does Bulldog have to do after Sharon dumps him? Summary: Roz arranges a blind date for Frasier with her friend Sharon, a former professional golfer. They meet and are immediately attracted, until Bulldog enters. He disparages golf, so Sharon challenges him to a game. They leave together and quickly become an item, much to Roz's anger. Bulldog is then heartbroken when Sharon dumps him over the phone shortly before his show.

[ Enchanted Forest - Nine Mouths Ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (James is walking into Regina's castle. He opens a door, Emma's nursery is behind.) James: This... This is impossible. This shouldn't be here. This is all wrong. Emma: You're right. A full-grown princess still living in her nursery? (Emma wears a ball dress.) Emma: I don't even have a proper vanity. James: Emma, what... What are you doing here? Emma: I was looking for a place to practice. I'm a little nervous about tonight. James: Tonight? What's tonight? Emma: The ball. You know I've never been to one before. I don't even know how to dance. Teach me. (They start to dance.) James: You're a natural, just like your mother. Emma: And you are the best teacher... A daughter could hope for. James: Oh, Emma, this is everything I ever hoped for you. Emma: Me, too. It's a shame I never got it. James: What do you mean? Emma: I'm not really here. I was never here. I should be, but I'm not, all for one reason... You failed me. (The lights turns off. Toys falls down. Emma's dress is dirty. Le wardrobe opens and sucks up Emma. James catches her hand.) Emma: Goodbye, daddy! James: Emma, I'm sorry! I'll save you! Emma: No! You can't save me! You failed me! There's nothing you can do! James: No, Emma! Emma: Don't fail the next one. (Emma disappears.) James: Emma! Emma: Don't fail the next one... Don't fail the next one... [SCENE_BREAK] (James wakes up, he had a nightmare.) James: Snow? Snow White: Look who's awake. Come look at this view, Charming. I'd forgotten how beautiful it was here. James: Someone's in a good mood. Snow White: I am. I have some pretty wonderful news. We're pregnant. James: You are? Snow White: Are you not happy? James: No. No, I'm not. I am thrilled. (Snow White hugs James.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Regina, Hook, David and Mary Margaret are at the loft.) David: So now that we know who we're dealing with, how do we find this wicked witch? Hook: Might I suggest we start by asking if anyone's seen a woman with green skin running around? Regina: We're cursed in Storybrooke. She'll look like any one of us. Emma: Then we start somewhere we know she's been... Regina's office. Regina: I went over it with a fine-toothed comb. She left no trace. Emma: But you were combing for magic. Maybe there's physical evidence that you missed. David: Good idea. We'll track her. Regina: If you want to waste your time playing Nancy Drew, be my guest. But we can't let Henry wander around alone with that witch and her flying monkeys out there. Hook: Well, especially since one of those flying monkeys could turn out to be his father. Mary Margaret: Still no sign of Neal? Emma: No. Regina: Point being, someone needs to protect Henry. He doesn't even know what's going on. Emma: I'm guessing you're volunteering? Regina: If you find anything, call me. Emma: Just remember, he thinks we're here because I'm on a case. Regina: Well, look who's gotten good at lying. Emma: And just don't let anyone slip up. As... As far as Henry knows, you're just Madam Mayor, and that's it. Regina: I'm well aware of how Henry sees me. (Regina leaves.) Hook: Time's wasting. There's something wicked in your town. What do you say we go find it? [SCENE_BREAK] (Zelena opens her storm cellar. Mr Gold is spinning in his cage.) Zelena: Enjoying your little toy? Mr Gold: The spinning cleans the mind, soothes the soul. It cleans the mind, it soothes the soul. Cleans the mind, soothes the soul. Zelena: You look as awful as you sound. (Mr Gold stops.) Zelena: What? You're not enjoying your cage, hmm? Not appreciating your jailer? Oh, no. You look like you want to hurt me. Go on, then. Give it a go. (Zelena opens the cage's padlock.) Zelena: I'd love to see you try, especially when we both know that you can't, not when I have this. You're a slave to it. And to me. Frustration can be so intoxicating... On others. The only one that can do the hurting here is me. So why don't you be a good boy and sit back down? Mr Gold: Well? What are you waiting for? Don't let me stop you. All the voices in my head... Will be quiet when I'm... Dead. Zelena: I'm not here to kill you, Rumple. But you really need to keep up appearances. Mr Gold: Appearances? Appearances? For what? For why? Let me spin... Spin the madness away. (Mr Gold spins again.) Mr Gold: Spin away the madness... Zelena: No. I think the spinning is bringing the madness. (Mr Gold stops.) Zelena: Here come pleaser. Now, hold still... Lest you want me to nick that pretty face. You're probably wondering how I know how to do this. Did I ever tell you about my father? His hands used to shake from drink or... Worse. I didn't ask. He didn't tell me. But he couldn't abide going a day without a shave, so... I had to learn how to shave him. He used to say that no matter what we were feeling on the inside, we had to put on our best face. In our land, you and I never had that choice, did we? No matter what we did, our outsides showed exactly... What was rotting on the inside. But... We're in a new land now, aren't we? A land filled with opportunity, not the least of which is to look our best. (Zelena cuts Mr Gold with his dagger.) Zelena: Oh... I'm so sorry. Did that sting? There. Handsome as ever. Mr Gold: Appearances. You don't care about appearances. If you cared about appearances, you'd change my shirt. Just exactly what is it you want? Zelena: What I'm after, Rumple... Is something you've spent a lifetime seeking... Something that goes against your very nature... Something that I can't afford... To wait that long for. Luckily, I won't have to. (Zelena turns off the light.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Zelena is at Mr Gold's shop.) Belle: Uh, hi. Can I, uh... Can I help you? Zelena: Oh, you must be Mrs. Gold. Belle: No, I'm, uh... I'm... not. Zelena: Is Mr. Gold around? Belle: Uh, he... No, he isn't. He... He died. Zelena: Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. Belle: Oh. Belle. Zelena: "Belle." That's such a pretty name. Look, I'm... I'm so sorry to bother you, but I was hoping to buy a baby gift for a lovely woman I met at Granny's Diner. Maybe you know her. She goes by Mary Margaret here. See, I'm helping her with her pregnancy, and... Today's my first day on the job. You know, curse or no curse, a girl's got to work. Belle: Mary Margaret. Well, why didn't you say so? I think I may have just the thing. Zelena: Bless you. (Belle turns and Zelena freezes her. She opens Mr Gold's safe and she takes a item.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Hook and David are looking for clues in Regina's office.) David: I think I have a partial footprint. You guys see anything? Hook: Other than an austere sense of design, nothing. Emma: Is that blood? David: It's berry. Emma: Like a fruit? David: No, like holly berry. They grow on bushes. Hook: Are you some sort of botanist in this life, mate? David: I worked in an animal shelter, saw dogs track them all the time. The bushes grow in the woods. Emma: You know where? David: Yeah... In the northwest corner, not far from the troll bridge. (David's phone vibrates.) Emma: Everything okay? David: Uh, Mary Margaret needs me to come back to the loft. We're getting a midwife, and she wants to meet the both of us. Hook: A bit demanding, isn't she? I meant the midwife. Emma: It's fine. Go. David: No. W... We just got on track here. I mean... Emma: And I've got it covered. She needs you. Just meet us when you get done. David: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Nine Mouths Ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (James is at the stable. He's looking for a bottle. He finds it the he drinks.) Robin Hood: I used to keep a bottle hidden in my quiver. James: I... Are those gold-tipped arrows? Robin Hood: Payment for helping the Queen break into her castle. Never thought I'd be paid to break in somewhere. Just feels... Wrong somehow. James: That's very generous. The Queen must like you. Robin Hood: Oh, I simply think she wants me out of her castle as soon as possible, but, uh... For now, it's the best place for my boy. With a witch on the loose, my first priority is keeping my family safe. I'm sure you understand that. James: I do. Robin Hood: If you don't mind me saying, you, uh, look like a man who needs some sleep more than a drink. James: Ah, I would if I could. Robin Hood: Mm. Yeah, I've been there. (James gives Robin Hood the bottle. He drinks.) Robin Hood: Is there, uh... Anything you want to talk about or not talk about? James: It's just... I've always known everything would work out for the best. When I was last in the Enchanted Forest, I dueled a black knight to put my newborn in a magic wardrobe to flee a curse, and never once did my confidence waver. Robin Hood: Then what's changed? James: That's just it. I don't know. I just can't seem to escape this feeling of... Dread. And I really need to be there for Snow right now, and I can't be distracted by this... this fear. Robin Hood: So don't be. James: Easier said than done. Robin Hood: After my wife died, Friar tuck told me of a root that, if digested, would help one overcome any and all fears. James: Where do I find it? Robin Hood: Well, it's said to grow under the white moss at the edge of Sherwood Forest, just south of here. James: White moss. Anything else? Robin Hood: It has flecks of crystal within its flesh. It looks like stars. James: Stars. Robin Hood: That's why they call it night root. James: Did it help you? Robin Hood: I don't really dabble in magic, not unless I have to. James: Well, I may not have that luxury. Robin Hood: You should know they, uh... Say that that part of the forest is haunted. James: Haunted? Robin Hood: You may need the night root to handle the fear of your journey to stop your fear. Perhaps the flask was the right idea. James: I'm not afraid of a ghost story, not when my family's at stake. Thank you. (James leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Zelena and Mary Margaret are at the loft. They talk.) Zelena: No! He caught you in a net?! Mary Margaret: Well, I had just robbed his carriage! Zelena: Oh, my... You two have got quite a love story. Mary Margaret: Oh. Well, speak of the handsome devil. (David enters.) Mary Margaret: Zelena, this is David. Zelena: Mr. Nolan, it's so lovely to meet you. David: Okay, so... I'm here. Shall we, uh, get this started? Mary Margaret: Oh. It sounds like you mean "shall we get this finished?" David: No, no! I am... Here. Let's do this. Mary Margaret: Before you begin, I'm gonna get us a cup of tea. Zelena: No, no, no. Let me make you some tea. After all, that's what I'm here for... To make your life as easy as possible. (Zelena goes into the kitchen.) Mary Margaret: I mean, isn't she wonderful? David: Yeah, she seems perfect. But can we trust her? We don't even know her. Mary Margaret: It's entirely possible we were all friends in our missing year. David: And it's possible we weren't. Look. I just wish we knew more about her. It's not like we can ask for references from a missing year. Mary Margaret: She knew Johanna. David: Your nanny growing up? Mary Margaret: Yes! They were friends! David: Huh. Small world. Mary Margaret: David... If any part of this feels wrong to you, to either one of us, we can always change our mind. So let's just hear her out, right? (Zelena puts root in David's tea.) David: Mm. Zelena: Here we go. I hope chamomile is okay. I've found it's excellent for the nerves. Mary Margaret: Perfect. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Nine Mouths Ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (James rides into the forest. He finds the place where the root grows.) James: Just like stars. Night root. (James hears a voice calling for help.) The voice: Help! Please help me! (James follows the voice and finds a tower.) The voice: Up here! Please! (James climbs to the top of the tower. There is a girl in the room.) Rapunzel: You're... You're the first person I've seen in such a long time. James: How long have you been up here? Rapunzel: I've lost count of the years. Are you a prince? James: Yes. You can call me David. A tiara. Are you a princess? Rapunzel: Yes. But you can call me Rapunzel. My parents are the King and Queen of my realm. They're great leaders, adored by our people. James: Why did you leave your kingdom? Rapunzel: For the same reason you did. I saw what you were digging up. James: You came for the night root? Rapunzel: Yes. When I got older, I knew. I just knew I could never be a leader like my parents. But at least I had my older brother. He was next in line. But then... Something happened, something horrible. James: I'm sorry. Rapunzel: It was a terrible, terrible accident. And after his death, this... Fear started to overwhelm me. When I closed my eyes... James: Then the nightmares would come. Rapunzel: They crippled my sleep. James: Did you take the night root? Rapunzel: Yes. It didn't work. Coming to get it was the greatest mistake of my life. James: Then how are you still here? Rapunzel: Before I could return home, a witch appeared, her face hidden under her cloak. She attacked me, chased me into this tower. James: Well, you don't have to worry about her anymore. I'm getting you out of here. Rapunzel: You don't understand. She won't let me. Whenever I try to leave, she... (James watches the forest through the window. He sees the witch. She climbs to them.) Rapunzel: Oh, no. It's too late. She must know you're here. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mary Margaret and David' loft.) Zelena: Now, you've already gone through labour once, so at least you know what to expect. Mary Margaret: Oh, yes. We both do. I don't think that your hand has recovered from my squeezing it. David: Well, it's been almost 30 years. I'm sure it'll heal. Zelena: Well, keep in mind the second birth can progress much faster than the first. Mary Margaret: Well, that's putting it mildly. I seem to have gone from zero to due date in the blink of an eye. Zelena: How's our father doing? David: Oh, me? I'm... I'm fine. I'm great. Zelena: Well, Mary Margaret was telling me earlier about what happened in the first curse, and... Losing your daughter is... It's tragic. Look, I... I don't mean to pry, but she did express some anxiety about all of this. David: You did? Mary Margaret: David, we're missing a year of memories in the Enchanted Forest. We suddenly find ourselves in Storybrooke about to have a baby? It's... A bit disconcerting. Zelena: I think it's best to just get these anxieties out in the open. Feelings, especially those we keep bottled up, can affect a pregnancy just as much as diet and exercise. Look, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that... If you've got any fears at all about any of this, it's best to just get it out into the open. David: I don't. Whatever's coming, we'll get through it. Zelena: Well, cheers to that, then. (They drinks their tea.) Zelena: You are so lucky to have such a brave husband. So fearless. Speaking of which, Mary Margaret alluded that we pulled you away from some important town business. You know, I think we've done enough for today. We should just let you get back to it. (David and Zelena stand up and shake their hands.) Zelena: It was wonderful to meet you, Mr. Nolan. David: Uh, David. Nice to meet you, too, Zelena. Zelena: Pleasure's all mine. [SCENE_BREAK] (David drives to the forest. He stops the car. He takes his sword. He enters into the woods. The witch follows him.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina and Henry are walking in a park.) Regina: The ice cream good? Henry: Delicious. My mom used to take me for gelato in Little Italy. But this is just as good. Regina: Well, Storybrooke's got its own charms, though I know it must seem quaint compared to the big city. Henry: It's nice, actually. New York's great, but there's so many people, it can make you feel... Regina: Alone. Henry: Yeah. Regina: Mm. Yeah. That's the best part of a small town. Everybody knows everybody. It's like... It's like a big family. Henry: Can I tell you something? Regina: Sure. Henry: I don't think it was just the case that brought my mom to Storybrooke. Regina: Uh, what do you mean? Henry: I think she wanted to get out of New York for a while. Regina: W... Why do you think that? Henry: My mom's boyfriend... His name was Walsh. He proposed to her. Regina: Oh. Henry: And two days later, she's taking me out of school for some job in Maine. She wouldn't take a job in Queens if it meant I'd miss school. Regina: What do you think happened? Henry: I don't know. But I doubt we'd be here if she said yes. Regina: And how do you feel about it? Did you like him, this... Walsh? Henry: I liked how happy he made her. Plus, it might be nice having more than two place settings during the holidays. Regina: I think one day, you'll have more family than you'll know what to do with. Henry: You think so? Regina: I really do. [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and Emma are into the woods. They find the berries.) Emma: You'll look for any excuse to use that thing, won't you? Hook: At least we know we're in the right place. What now? Emma: Now, we start searching. Hook: You know something, Swan? Whenever you're around, I inevitably find myself trekking through some manner of woods or forest, courting danger. Emma: Ah. Here, I thought you weren't afraid of anything, always looking for the next adventure. Hook: Oh, is that what this is? Emma: Isn't it? The hell were you doing for the last year alone on that ship? I'm guessing it was one swashbuckling tale after another... Till you decided to come back and save me? Hook: Exactly. Emma: You're lying. Hook: Excuse me? Emma: What happened back there? What aren't you telling me? Hook: Nothing. It's my tale, and I'm sticking to it. Emma: Still don't believe you. Hook: Well, let's leave it at that, and you can just say thank you. Emma: For my memories? I already did. Hook: Well, for saving you from a loveless marriage. Emma: Is that what you think you're doing? Hook: He was a flying monkey. Emma: I didn't know that. Hook: Were you considering it... His proposal? Emma: Does it matter? Hook: Humour me. Emma: Yes, okay? I was in love, so of course I was considering it. As usual, he wasn't who he said he was, and I got my heart broken. That enough humour for you? Hook: Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm glad to hear that. Emma: You're glad to hear I had my heart broken? Hook: If it can be broken... It means it still works. (Emma leaves, Hook follows her.) [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: A farmhouse. You have to appreciate the irony. [SCENE_BREAK] (David fins the berries. He walks but feels something is wrong. He sees somebody is following him. He phones Emma.) Emma: You have reached Emma Swan of Big Apple Bail Bonds. Leave a message, and I'll call you back. David: Emma, it's David. I'm at the trail head. And I think I found her... The Wicked Witch. I'm going after her. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Nine Mouths Ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The witch climbs the tower.) Rapunzel: I should never have called to you. I'm the one she wants! If you leave now, maybe she'll spare you! James: No, that's not the way this works. I'm getting you back to your family! Rapunzel: Please! She'll kill you! You can't save me. There's nothing you can do. James: No. I can save you... And I will. (James is preparing to attack the witch. When he do it, he sees she is not here. She's under the roof.) James: Aah! (The witch attacks James.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (James is into the woods. He is fighting with the witch.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Hook are going to inspect the farmhouse.) Emma: There's definitely someone living here. Looks empty right now, though. Hook: Why are we whispering? Emma: Because good hideouts always look empty. Trust me. I spent a lot of time tracking down people who don't want to be found. I know about hiding out. Storm cellar. (They go to the storm cellar.) Hook: Whoa, wait, wait, wait. It's one thing walking around a deserted farmhouse. It's quite another descending into a one-way cellar with no way out. Emma: Scared? Hook: There's a difference between fear and strategy. We know she's got flying monstrosities. Who knows what's down there. If this witch is as powerful as we think, we could use some magical backup, unless you've been practicing in New York City. Emma: Okay, I'll call Regina, have her drop Henry at Granny's. I'd like to see those flying monstrosities try to get past her crossbow. Hook: And her lunch special. (Emma takes her phone, she has a voice-mail.) Emma: It's David. (Emma, it's David.) David: I'm at the trail head. I think I found her... The Wicked Witch. I'm going after her. (They run to David.) [SCENE_BREAK] (David fakes he is unconscious. He takes his sword and hits the witch.) David: Aah! (The witch grabs David by his neck. David takes off the hood of the witch. It's actually him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Nine Mouths Ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The witch ties up James with Rapunzel's hairs.) James: Hey! Get away from her! The witch: I am her. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the woods.) David: What are you? The witch: I'm you. (David starts a fight with his fear.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Nine Mouths Ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] James: Rapunzel, it's not a witch. It's you. You said she appeared after you had the night root. You thought it didn't work, but it did. The root allows you to overcome your fears by facing them. Rapunzel: I can't. Please help me. James: She's your fear! Only you can defeat her! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] David's fear: You can't defeat me. I can smell your fear. It's like a stench... The stench of a scared shepherd boy who strayed too far from his farm. David: I'm not scared of anything. David's fear: Ah, if that were true, I wouldn't be here. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Nine Mouths Ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] James: You have to face it, Rapunzel! You must! Rapunzel: No. I can't. (James gets him free. He catches Rapunzel's fear and pushes it through the window. Rapunzel's fear catches Rapunzel's hair and climbs.) James: Listen to me! Your fear was you could never be a leader like your parents, like your brother! Own it, and you can do this. Rapunzel: No, I can't! James: Yes, you can. Cut it away. Let it go! If you do, you can finally have what you want. You can leave this tower! Rapunzel: I don't want to leave! James: I understand. Believe me, I do. To be frightened of an uncertain future. It may feel safe here, but if you don't face that future, Rapunzel, you will die here, alone! Is that what you want?! Rapunzel: No. James: You know what you have to do. Do it! (Rapunzel cuts her hairs and her fear disappears.) Rapunzel: I... Did it! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (David's fear breaks David's sword.) David's fear: Don't you see? Your fear makes you weak. David: No. I'm not afraid. David's fear: Saying that doesn't make it so. David: I'll die to protect my family. David's fear: That doesn't make you fearless, even as the point is proven. (David's fear strangles David.) David's fear: Give in. It's easier. (Emma arrives in her car.) David: I am afraid, afraid... I won't be a good father. But I won't let that stop me, not now! (David stabs his fear. It's disappears. He tries to takes his sword but it disappears too. Emma, Regina and Hook comes.) Emma: David, are you okay?! Regina: Well, where is she? David: It wasn't her. Hook: Then who was it? You look whiter than a fresh sail. David: Myself. Hook: Come again? Regina: It's the Witch. She's toying with us. David: Did you guys find where she might be hiding? Hook: A farmhouse. And we think it's hers. David: Then let's end this. Let's send that witch back to Oz. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Nine Mouths Ago ] [SCENE_BREAK] (James helps Rapunzel to get out from the tower.) Rapunzel: I was swimming in the river, where I shouldn't have been, where my parents had always warned us to avoid. And I got caught in the rapids. My brother dove in after me. He... He saved me. But... But couldn't save himself. James: I'm sorry. Rapunzel: The throne was his. I didn't know if I could be Queen. And if I didn't know, how could my parents believe in me? James: That's who you are. You can't hide from it forever, or them. Rapunzel: You really think they'll forgive me. James: You're their child. Of course they'll forgive you. [SCENE_BREAK] (James brings Rapunzel to her parents.) Rapunzel: Mother? Father? Rapunzel's Mother: My dear. Oh, my daughter. Snow White: Are you going to tell me why you were out in the woods all night? James: I was there because... I was afraid. Snow White: Afraid? 'Cause we lost Emma. James: Twice. Once as a baby, then again when we were... Forced to return to the Enchanted Forest without her. Snow White: No, neither time was our fault. James: I know. But because we lost her, I was never her father. Snow White: You have been a great father. James: To her now. But I didn't raise her. And this child, this one... I don't know. I've never done this before, and I don't know if I can. Snow White: You don't have to. We're going to do this the way we do everything... Together. James: Now, how did I forget that? Now, come on. We have a nursery to build. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina, Emma, Hook and David are walking into the woods.) Hook: Any particular reason she would send a demon who looks like you? James: No idea. It was just there, wearing my face, harping on my deepest fears. Regina: It knew your deepest fears? James: Yeah... Things I never told anyone, even Mary Margaret. It wasn't until I admitted them that I was able to defeat it by stabbing it with the hilt of my sword. Regina: W... Where is it... Your sword? James: That's the strange part. After I killed it, the hilt... It... Disappeared. Hook: Well, what's that mean, then? Regina: When we face our deepest fears, our true courage comes out. When you used the hilt of your sword to vanquish your fears, your courage transferred into it. James: Then why'd it disappear? Regina: It didn't disappear. She took it. Emma: Hang on. The Wicked Witch stole his courage? Regina: Well, a symbol of it, at least. And symbols can be powerful totems. [SCENE_BREAK] (David's hilt is in Zelena's bag. She's about to leave the loft.) Mary Margaret: I'm so glad you came by. Zelena: Of course. I so loved getting to know you. And please thank David again for meeting with me. You know, I'd heard so many stories about your courageous prince. I just... I just feel so lucky to have met you both. Mary Margaret: Oh, we're the lucky ones. With this curse, I had no time to prepare for the baby, and suddenly I feel like... I can stop panicking. Zelena: Of course you can. There's no reason to be scared. That's what I'm here for. (Mary Margaret hugs Zelena.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina, Emma, Hook and David are at the farmhouse. They are near the storm cellar.) Emma: That lock... It wasn't busted before. Ready? (David opens the storm cellar, they go down in it.) Hook: So far, so good. Emma: Everyone, stay alert. Come on. Regina: There's definitely dark magic here. Can you feel it? Emma: I don't know. Maybe. Whatever I feel, it's not good. What would the Wicked Witch keep in a cage... Monkeys? David: No, not monkeys. (David turns on the light. They see a wheel.) David: Now, how many people do we know... Who can spin straw into gold? Emma: Rumplestiltskin. (Regina smiles.)

Plan: A: Hook; Q: Who is helping Emma, David and Regina search for the Wicked Witch? A: a dark surprise; Q: What is the Wicked Witch planning for David? A: Zelena's prisoner; Q: Who is powerless under Zelena's watch? A: the townspeople; Q: Who is Zelena plotting against? A: the Fairy Tale Land; Q: Where does Prince Charming stumble upon Rapunzel? A: the previous year; Q: When did Prince Charming stumble upon Rapunzel? A: Prince Charming; Q: Who stumbles upon Rapunzel? A: a tower; Q: What is Rapunzel trapped in? A: her fears; Q: What does Prince Charming help Rapunzel confront? Summary: While Emma, David, Regina and Hook continue their search for the Wicked Witch, she, in turn, is planning a dark surprise for David, and Zelena's prisoner is powerless under her watch as she plots her next course of action against the townspeople. Meanwhile, in the Fairy Tale Land that was in the previous year, Prince Charming stumbles upon Rapunzel, who is trapped inside a tower, and must help her confront her fears in order for her to be free.

ACT ONE Scene One - Electronics Store Frasier is standing in line with Niles, who is holding a box. Niles: You sure Daphne will like this one? Frasier: Oh, it's perfect, Niles. Look, it even says on the box, "for the perfect DVD viewing experience." Niles: [reading] What do you suppose "multi-angle capability" means? Frasier: [know-it-all] Well, it means that the remote control will respond from any angle. The woman standing ahead of them (Claire) turns around. Claire: Not to intrude, but actually it means you can see a scene from different camera angles. Niles: Oh, thank you. Frasier: Oh, I-I was just, uh, teasing him. You see, my brother's technologically challenged. Claire: If you're, uh, new to DVD, you might want to rent the director's cut of "Das Boot." It's amazing - I mean, if you don't mind subtitles. Frasier: Mind them? I prefer them! In fact, I-I do speak a-a bit of German, so in this case they might actually be a distraction! Claire: Really? Frasier: Mmm. Claire: I speak German too. Niles: You know, if anyone's technologically challenged, it's you. Frasier: He's a bit defensive. [adds something in German] Claire: [responds in kind; they laugh] Niles: You thought your CD-ROM drive was a cup holder. Claire, not wanting to get between them, walks off. Frasier: Thanks a lot! I was interested in her. Niles: Well, how was I supposed to know? Frasier: I was speaking German! Niles: Oh yes - the language of love! [N.B. Frasier did not speak German as of [2.21], "An Affair to Forget." Perhaps he has learned since then, or that earlier episode was simply inconsistent - since it is virtually required that any serious student of Freud should read him in the original German.] Behind Niles, Frasier sees Lana Gardner come into the store. Frasier: Oh dear, it's Lana, it's Lana. Niles: [excited] Where, where? Frasier: Oh my God, no, no, just turn around, turn around! I don't know why the woman frightens me. Niles: Well, she should frighten you, she was prom queen! Lana and Claire spot each other. Lana: Hi! Sorry, it took me forever to find a parking spot. [Claire hands Lana the shopping bag she's carrying] Thanks. [sees Frasier] Frasier! Frasier: Lana! Uh, look Niles, it's Lana. Niles: [giggling like a teenager] Hi, Lana. Lana: Hi! Oh, this is my friend, Claire French. Frasier Crane, his brother Niles - we've known each other since high school. [N.B. Clare (no "i") French is the name of a producer's assistant on "Frasier."] Frasier: Yes, we've already met. Uh, guten tag, Claire. Claire: I knew I'd recognized your voice. You're on the radio. Frasier: Yes, yes, well, I'm flattered that you've listened. Lana: You should have seen him in high school. Do you remember when you petitioned the school to have interpretive dance added to gym class? [laughs] Frasier: Oh, is that a CD organizer? I'll be right back! [moves off] Claire: Oh, I need one of those myself, excuse me. She follows him. Lana: So Niles, how's things? She lightly caresses the DVD box, setting off fresh giggles in him. Niles: Things are good. Lana: Are you married now? Niles: No, no. I was, but, uh, I'm not now. [cocksure] But I'm goin' with someone. Clerk: Next! Lana: Oh yes, I need to return this. [takes a portable stereo from the bag and puts it on the counter] Clerk: Oh, it's scratched. Lana: Well, it was like that when I bought it. Anyone who's seen "Big Crane on Campus" can tell where this is going. Over to Frasier and Claire, looking at CD organizers: Frasier: You know, I'm not much of a faux walnut grain enthusiast. Claire: Uh, Frasier, I-I wanted to ask you something. Saturday night, are you free? Frasier: Only with a coupon. [they laugh] What did you have in mind? Claire: Well, a bunch of us are throwing a surprise party for Lana, I was wondering if you could bring her. Frasier: Well, I'm not sure I'm the right person for this. You see, last year Lana and I dated for a brief period, and, uh, well, things just didn't work out. Don't get me wrong, it's not that she isn't a lovely person- At the counter: Clerk: Next. Lana: I don't give a rat's ass about your policy! Get me the manager! Frasier: Perhaps you could ask someone else. Claire: Come on, just ask her out as a friend. Once you're there, you can leave... [with unmistakable suggestiveness] Or stay. Lana: Are you calling me a liar?! [to the whole store] DON'T BUY ANYTHING HERE, THE SERVICE SUCKS! She smiles sweetly at Niles, who is beginning to understand his brother's fear. Frasier: Well, it is her birthday. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Apartment Martin, wearing his glasses, has the DVD player on his lap. Niles stands next to him. Martin: Red wire, red wire, where do you go? Oh, here we are. He plugs it in - immediately, they hear feedback. He yanks it out. Martin: Uh, maybe the red wire's extra. Niles, hand me that yellow one, will you? Niles reaches for it, but winces and clutches his arm. Martin: What's the matter? Niles: Oh, Daphne punched me in her sleep last night. Honestly, she is the most aggressive sleeper I have ever known. Martin: Wow. You being a psychiatrist, you probably think she's acting out some form of repressed hostility towards you, huh? Niles: That was the furthest thing from my mind... until now. Martin: Oh, don't worry about it. Sounds to me like you guys are still finding your sleeping groove. Niles: Sleeping groove? Martin: Yeah. First six months your mother and I were together, we were like Dempsey and Tunney! [then] You see, Dempsey and Tunney were- Niles: Oh Dad, please, I know a little something about vaudeville. Daphne comes out of the hall with a DVD. Daphne: I've got our movie. Niles stands and strikes a mock boxing stance. Daphne: Oh, knock it off! [punches his arm lightly] I told you I was sorry. Niles: [rubbing his arm] It's all right. [sees] "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" Daphne: Yeah, it's got everything - action, romance, and humor. I mean, who's funnier than Roger Rabbit? Niles: No one? Daphne: Exactly. Frasier comes out in his suit. Frasier: Well, I'm off to pick up Lana. Niles: You're oddly chipper about it. Frasier: Well, of course I am, Niles. The sooner I deliver her to the surprise party, the sooner I can cast my net of romance over a butterfly named Claire. You know, I've got a good feeling about this one. Niles: Oh Frasier, you always have a good feeling. You think it's going to be perfect, and then when she turns out not to be the Kierkergard-reading, soufflé-baking, haiku-writing cellist, you're disappointed. You have to learn to settle. Daphne: [looks at him] What does that mean? Suddenly on the spot, Niles opens his mouth, but no words come out. Frasier: Have fun, Niles. He opens the door, just as Roz is about to knock on it. Roz: Oh, hi! Frasier: Roz, hi. Roz: Where are you going? Frasier: Oh, just to a little party. Roz: Have a good time. Frasier: Bye! He leaves. Roz: Hey, everybody. Am I too late? Martin: No, you're perfect. We're all hooked up and ready to go. Roz: Great. I brought "Caddyshack"! Who's funnier than that gopher? Daphne: Roger Rabbit, that's who- Martin: Hey, what about my movie, "The Longest Day"? It's got D-Day and the Duke! Niles: Whoa, that is an embarrassment of riches. Each movie more appealing than the last. Well, perhaps there's a happy compromise in "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." [holds it up] Roz: Well that would be a happy compromise, except for one thing: Boring! Martin plugs in another wire - feedback again. Daphne: I think we should use the manual. Martin: I don't need a manual! I need a pair of wire strippers, a hammer, and a beer. [goes to the kitchen] Niles: All right, well, while he's doing that I just have to pose the question: who's funnier than Daniel Day-Lewis? Daphne and Roz look at him. [SCENE_BREAK] WHAT WOMEN MAY OR MAY NOT WANT Scene Three - Frasier's BMW Frasier is driving Lana. Frasier: You look lovely tonight. Lana: Thank you, you look nice too. Beat. Lana: Look, I'm gonna be real direct. We're just two good friends going out for dinner, OK? Frasier: Of course. Lana: I only say that because you went a little heavy on the cologne, and I don't want you to have any expectations. Frasier: I have nothing of the sort. And by the way, it's scented soap. Lana: I mean, I only accepted because it really sounded like you could really use a night out. I don't want some awkward scene where you try to get in my pants. Frasier: I assure you, there will be no such scene. Lana: Good. [pause] Unless of course I have too much to drink, [slightly manic laughter] and I change my mind! Frasier: So, how are those kids of yours doing? Lana: Oh, my youngest is good, he's in the ninth grade. But Kirby, if he doesn't pass U.S. history he's not going to graduate. Frasier: Well, have you considered getting a tutor? Lana: That's a good idea. You used to do that sort of thing in high school, didn't you? Frasier: Well, yes, yes, I-I did. And I-I would do it for Kirby in a heartbeat. It's just that I'm asked a lot, and if I helped him I'd have to do it for everyone, and I'd hate to open those floodgates. You understand. Lana: Yeah. I mean, my ex is the one I should be asking, but that would be a waste of time. Frasier: He doesn't help out with the kids? Lana: No, the only kid he has time for is Kathy, his 22-year old receptionist. It's sickening. Mind if I smoke? Frasier: Well, actually- Lana: I'll just crack a window. She does, and lights up. Lana: You know, I'm glad you asked me out tonight. Tomorrow is my birthday! Frasier: Really? Oh, happy birthday. Lana: Hardly. That's the day Bob and Kathy have chosen to get married - in Tahiti! Some birthday. As she gazes mournfully out the window, Frasier picks up a small can of air freshener and sprays. Lana: All right. That's good, tonight'll get my mind off of it. Just promise me that I won't even hear the word "birthday" for the rest of the night, OK? Frasier: Are you sure? I mean, maybe a big celebration would be the best revenge. Lana: [almost crying] What am I celebrating? The fact that I'm becoming an old trot and no one's ever going to love me again? Oh God, shut up! [stubs out her cigarette] Frasier makes a decision, and turns sharply. Lana: Aren't we going to Bella Lucia? Frasier: Well, actually I-I know this little Thai place that I think will be better. Lana: Well, were you even going to ask me? I hate Thai food! Typical man, "I like Thai food, so she must like Thai food." Frasier turns sharply in the other direction. Frasier: All right, Bella Lucia it is. Lana: I'm sorry, I'm-I'm being snappy. It's just... I-I guess I just always thought that I'd be the one who got remarried first, you know? Now everybody's just going to feel sorry for me. Oh God, I hope I don't run into anybody I know tonight! [Frasier is worried] And you're not a typical man. You're very thoughtful. Forgive me? Frasier, despite himself, is charmed. Frasier: Yes, I'm afraid I do. Oh gosh - you know, I-I do know another little Italian place that I think you might really enjoy just as much - well, what do you say? Lana: Great, sounds great. Frasier: OK. Lana: You know, it's funny, as much as I hate the thought of my birthday, I'm kind of hurt that none of my friends asked me to do anything. I mean, not like I wanted a party, but, well, something would have been nice. Frasier, unable to take anymore of this, brakes harshly and pulls over. Lana: OK, OK, Frasier, you know what, just because I'm vulnerable doesn't mean you're getting some! Frasier: No! Listen: fifty of your friends are sitting in Bella Lucia right now, wearing party hats and waiting to yell, "Surprise!" Do you want to go or not? Lana: [happy] My friends are throwing me a surprise party?! Frasier: That's right. Lana: [Carrie] And you tell me and ruin it?! END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene Four - Bella Lucia Claire and the rest of Lana's friends are waiting when Lana walks in. All: SURPRISE! Lana: [feigned] Oh my god, you didn't! [to Claire] You, you did this! She hugs Claire, as Frasier follows her in. Frasier follows her in. Lana: Frasier, you tricked me, you awful thing! [shoves him playfully] Frasier: It wasn't easy, you nightmarish carp! He gives her a not-too-gentle shove back, and heads for the bar. Claire puts a tiara with "Happy Birthday" on it on Lana's head, and gives her a drink. Lana: Thank you - Debbie, oh hi! Bruce, hi! I am so thrilled you all came here for this! I thought a lot of you would have flown to Tahiti for the wedding of Dumbo and Bimbo! Claire follows Frasier. Claire: Thanks for getting her here. Frasier: Well... Claire: How did you manage to keep it a secret? Frasier: Well, as a psychiatrist, discretion happens to be the cornerstone of my profession. Claire: Ah, of course. Mine too - I'm a family therapist. Frasier: Really? You know, I-I sensed we have a lot in common. Claire: You know, it's funny how things turn out. I started out as a music major, studying the cello. Frasier: You're a cellist? Claire: Yes, but psychology is my true calling. "Spawning fish that leave upstream for many seasons, yet come home to stay." Frasier: Was that a haiku? Claire: Yes. It's, uh, it's a habit of mine. They just sort of spill out of me. Frasier: Well, that's amazing! [loosens his collar] Uh, may I get you a drink? Claire: Yes. Uh, a martini - two olives. Frasier: Ah. I knew it. He turns to the bar, but turns back just to check: Frasier: Kierkergard? Claire: Love him. Frasier: Don't move. He goes to the bar. Lana: Claire! What are you doing staring at the moon? I want you to meet Neil, the guy I told you about. Frasier turns back from the bar with two martinis - and sees Claire talking with Lana and a handsome man in an expensive suit. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Apartment Martin and the gang are still sat around the living room. Roz reads a magazine, Daphne looks through the manual for the DVD player while Martin fumbles with the cables. Martin: All right, what's it say now? Daphne: "Alternatively, see Appendix C: Advanced Troubleshooting Specifications and You." Martin: That's it, I quit. [throws cables up in the air] Daphne: Well, what do you want to do? Niles comes out of the kitchen with a glass of wine. Roz: Well, I went to a party once where we each went around the room and confessed our most shameful secret - except it had to be something that you've never told anyone before. Niles: Oh, I don't think that's something we really want to get into. Daphne: No, sounds like fun. Niles: OK, I'll go first. Oh, let's see - all right, well, Daphne, you might as well make your acquaintance with my dark side. In fifth grade, there was a bully, Jack Winfield, who was bothering a lot of the girls, so one day I waited for him outside of school and gave him a sound thumping. Martin: Wasn't that the kid with rickets? Niles: Rickets and a smart mouth. He hangs his head, and Daphne puts a sympathetic hand on his knee. Roz: Daphne, you go next, and think of something juicier than that. Daphne: Oh, well, um, mine's also a youthful indiscretion. I stole a teddy bear from the shops. Roz: Then what? Daphne: Well, I felt guilty, so I told my parents and we brought it back. Then as a penance, I... volunteered to work at the orphanage after school. Roz: What the hell was that?! I'd put that story on my resume! Come on, Martin, you've got to have something! Shock me! Martin: Oh, I don't know, it's kind of personal. Roz: That's what we're looking for. Martin: Well, all right, but it doesn't leave this room: every time I watch "The Sound of Music"... I cry. And I don't mean a single manly tear. I mean real blubbering, girl-style. The nuns... those kids... that lonely goatherd. Roz: These are your deep, dark secrets? This is baby stuff! "Ooh, I dropped my ice cream and I ate it!" Daphne: OK, let's hear yours, then. Roz: Oh, you can't handle mine. Let's play "Clue" or something. Everyone exclaims, "Oh, come on!" Martin: Are you kidding? We can take anything you could dish out! I was in the war, I was a cop, I even worked Vice! Roz: I don't think so. Martin: Well, come on, I'll tell you what: whisper it in my ear, and if I think they can handle it I'll tell them. Roz: OK. She cups a hand to his ear and whispers. As she does, his smile disappears, and his face goes from shock to outright horror. She finishes. He stumbles out of his chair, not even looking at Niles and Daphne, and hurries to his room, stopping only to cast one more horror-stricken glance at Roz, who triumphantly tosses her hair back. [SCENE_BREAK] TUESDAYS WITH FRASIER Scene Six - Bella Lucia Lana, half in her cups, is sitting at a table with three nervous guests (the only ones left). Lana: [mournful] Where was Kathy while I was busting my ass putting him through dental school? Oh, oh, that's right - she wasn't BORN YET! Guest 1: Who wants more cake? Guest 1: Not me, but I'll go with you! They get up and leave the table. At the bar, Claire is wedged between Neil and Frasier. She is holding a glass of red wine, but Frasier hands her another. Frasier: Here we are. This is one of my favorites. Claire: That's so sweet of you, but Neil just brought me a glass. Frasier: Oh, this one. Yes, that's a delightful little wine, yes, it's very nice. But this happens to be a Bavaresco Diam, the greatest Italian red since Roberto Rossellini! [laughs] With both men watching her like hawks, she uncomfortably sips one, noises "Mmm," to the gratification of Neil, and then the other, also with an "Mmm," to Frasier's delight. Claire: Well, they both taste wonderful. I-I don't, I can't choose between them. Frasier: Taste mine again. Neil: You know, if you're really interested in wine, Claire, you should let me fly you down to Napa in my plane. We could spend the day exploring vineyards. Claire: Oh, that's very sweet, but those little planes make me nervous. Frasier: Well, how do you feel about, uh, BMW's? You see, I-I happen to know several of the proprietors of the local vineyards here, and I'd be delighted to be your tour guide. At the other side, all the guests have now left, and Lana is alone at her table. Claire: That sounds tempting. Frasier: Well, allow me to enchant you further. You see, I... He notices Lana has begun to cry. Frasier: Claire, I'm sorry, uh, you'll have to excuse me for just a moment. He abandons the field to Neil, and sits next to Lana. Frasier: Hi. How you doing? Lana: Everybody's leaving. Frasier: Well, it's getting late. Lana: It's 9:30! Let's face it, I drove them all off. Even I'm sick of hearing me complain about Bob. Frasier: No, come on, it's not all that bad. I mean, listen, you know, Bob is in the past. I mean, just look at all the friends you have. I know you've had a bit of a tough time lately, but it'll end soon. You're a vibrant, attractive woman. Lana: Thanks, Frasier. You're being awfully sweet to me. Don't think this means you're getting any. Neil and Claire reach the door. Neil: We're, uh, saying our goodbyes. Frasier: Oh, you're leaving? Claire: Uh, I have an early appointment and Neil offered to give me a ride home. Frasier: Well, how thoughtful of him. Claire: Happy birthday, Lana. [they hug] It's nice to see you again, Frasier. Frasier: Lovely seeing you again, Claire. Neil... They shake hands, Neil with a small, triumphant smile. They leave and Frasier sits back down. Lana: Threw a gutter ball, huh? Frasier: Thanks to you, you introduced them. Lana: Well, you played it all wrong! You were hanging on her all night! Frasier: So was he, but he left with her. Lana: It won't last. She's probably sick of him already. Frasier: Lot of good that does me. I blew it. Lana: Not necessarily. I mean, I think you guys could make a great couple. In fact, I might be able to help you out there. Frasier: Really? Would you? Lana: Well, I could, but you know I get asked that all the time, and if I did it for you, then I'd have to do it for everybody, and I just don't know if I want to open those floodgates! You know what I mean? He does - quid pro quo. Frasier: I think I do. Lana: Kirby needs a passing grade in history. Frasier: I can't guarantee that. Lana: No passing grade, no Claire. Frasier: All right, an hour on Tuesdays. Lana: Two hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Frasier: Two hours on Tuesdays, no Thursdays. Lana: Three on Tuesdays. Frasier: Done, happy birthday. Lana: Thank you. They shake hands. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Seven - Lana's House Frasier is sitting at Lana's kitchen table with her son Kirby - a staring teenager with a punk hairstyle and a "chicks dig scram pale guys" t-shirt. Lana is cooking at the stove. Frasier: Well, you're a very lucky young man, Kirby. You know, I loved studying U.S. history. What could be more fascinating than the rich and unfolding epic of the very soil on which we live? Kirby: Uh, will that question be on the test? Frasier: Doubtful. [opens textbook] So, which chapter are you on? Kirby: Whoa, is that my book? Frasier: I see - Chapter 1. [begins reading, then] You may want to take some notes. Kirby: I don't have a pen. But just tell me, I'll remember it. Lana: Oh yeah, yeah, that's gotten you far. [they look at her] GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET A PEN!!! This sends both Kirby and Frasier jumping to their feet. Kirby scrambles out of the kitchen, and Frasier goes to follow him- Lana: No, not you, not you, not you! END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] Electronics Store: Niles and Daphne are standing at the counter, on which the DVD player and its cables are sitting. Deciding to try Lana's tactics, Niles rants and yells at the clerk. Daphne seems a little shocked, which is perhaps what he was hoping for. The clerk retreats. Niles gives Daphne a "there, you see?" smile. Then the clerk comes back with the manager - a towering, barrel-chested man with cable-sized arms, which he folds across his chest. Niles decides that discretion is the better part of valor and slips out with Daphne. [N.B. This tag was not shown when the episode was first broadcast.]

Plan: A: Claire; Q: Who is the woman Frasier meets while shopping for a DVD player? A: former prom queen; Q: What was Lana in high school? A: her attention; Q: What does Frasier have to compete for at the party? A: U.S. History; Q: What subject does Lana want her son tutored in? Summary: While shopping for a DVD player, Frasier meets an attractive woman called Claire. He soon discovers that she is a friend of Lana, former prom queen of his school whom he dated briefly in the past. Claire confides in him that she is organizing a surprise birthday party for Lana, and asks Frasier if he can bring her, pretending it is a friendly date; Frasier agrees, but only to gain access to Claire, whom he finds more appealing. However, Lana already has someone in mind to match up with Claire, so at the party he has to compete for her attention. Lana is also looking for someone to tutor her son in U.S. History.

[David's. The gang's all there:Brian, Justin, Debbie, Ted, Emmett, Mel, Lindsay, andGus. They're all gathered together to watch slides ofMike's and David's trip to Paris. Mike narrates in thesnootiest voice known to mankind.] Michael: Here we are in front of the Arc de Triomphe. Andhere we are in front of the Sacré-Coeur. Here we are infront of the Tomb. Emmett: [whispers to Ted who's already asleep] Lucky him.He's dead(!) [Emmett's about to join him. Brian and Justin are makingout. Mel and Lindsay are trying not to look at each otherand failing miserably. Debbie, of course, is the only onepaying attention.] Debbie: [to Brian and Justin] Would you two cut it out? Michael: Ma, you're interrupting. Debbie: I hated when couples were make out in front ofme. Brian: It's French. We're frenching. Michael: And which that, David and Michael being a duethrough Paris. [The last slide is of the word "fin"] Michael: Fin. That means the end. Emmett: Bon. That means 'good.' David: Well I hope everyone wasn't too bored. Ted: No, are you kiddin'? I haven't been that entertainedsince Gandhi. Debbie: Oh, just look like the trip of a lifetime. Brian: Yeah it sure felt that long. Michael: The thing you need to know about Paris is notdining at Louis-Carton or shopping at the Rue de Suplice.It's the little things, like sharing a baguette whilestrolling sur la Seine. Debbie: That sure de what, honey? Michael: The Seine, mother. Justin: [to Debbie] It's a river. Debbie: That's honey. Michael: Would anyone more vin rouge? Ted: Lucy, you wouldn't know the difference between vinrouge and Listerine. Emmett: Look, all I know is did you meet CatherineDeneuve? Ted: [to Michael] Oh god, I love her. Michael: No, but we've met these wonderful couple inVersaile. Brian: Let me guess: Louis and Marie. David: No, Jean-Pierre and Yvette. Michael: They had the most fabulous Maison in the 16th.Oh, try the Brie. Debbie: It tastes like cum! Where is the Cheddar? [Mel'ssitting beside Lindsay] Mel: Hey, mind if I join you? Lindsay: No. Mel: Hey sweety. Hi. Oh, he gots bigger everytime I seehim. Lindsay: Well, it's all that delicious French baby foodGuillaume makes him. Mel: So, this arrangement's working out for you. Lindsay: Yeah, better than I thoughed. Mel: Honey, even if you don't want to listen to me assomeone who cares about you, I wish you'd at least takemy legal advice. Lindsay: Actually we're getting married a week fromtoday. Mel: What did he do, knock you up? Lindsay: No, his deportation papers came yesterday. So wehave to do it now. Michael can perform in the ceremony.It's kind of weird, because no-one will be there. [Outside, as she, Brian, andT&E are leaving] Mel: I am freaking out! Brian: Why, because she didn't ask you to be Maid ofHonor? Mel: You think this is funny? They goin' through with itnext week. Ted: It's not that they really getting married. Emmett: It's still that he can be in the country. Mel: What if he never leaves? What if he becomes apermanent fixture? Brian: What if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle. Mel: Nah, it's too late. It's all my fault. There is nota damn good thing I can do about it. [Back inside the house, Mikewatches David clean up and shakes his head] Michael: Can't we leave that for Magdalena? That is whywe pay her. David: Well, you know me; I can't sleep untileverything's put away. Michael: You're so a**l. David: Lucky for you. [Michael kisses David.] David: Careful, careful. What was that for? Michael: I don't believe I ever thanked you properly forshowing me the best time of my life. David: Well, I don't believe I ever thanked you either,for letting me show you. Can you believe Ted snoring? Michael: I thought he was building a log cabin. Thoseguys have no idea that there is a world outside ofLiberty Avenue. David: Well you didn't either until last week. This cabis great. We should order this in case and services forSenator Baxter. Michael: You think I should invited them? David: Who? Michael: My mom, Uncle Vic and the guys. David: I thoughed you didn't want to. Michael: I thoughed you didn't want me to. David: I said it's been fine as long as Brian behavedhimself. Michael: Well, I think fundraisers aren't there thing. David: Senator Baxter is very supportive of gay issueswhich should be everybody's thing. Michael: I just don't know if they'd be comfortablearound our other friends, and a state Senator. David: Then you may the right decision. [St. James. Justin and Daphnewalk into school] Daphne: Every club is allowed to meet except our club.It's not fair! Justin: Welcome to the real world, Daphne. Nobody gives ashit about a Gay/Straight Alliance. Daphne: That's not true! Look how many guys came! Justin: Like eight people in two, I count them. And theyonly came because we give them condoms. [Justin and Daphne round the corner right inside thebuilding, and someone has set Justin's locker on fire and scrawled, "Fags die" on it in blood red.] Guy: Stupid faggot. You like that, fag? Stick that inyour ass, faggot. [Justin tries to open the locker, but burns his hand.] Guy: You deserve it. Burn, fag. [Meanwhile, Brian, Emmett, andTed stroll down an unnamed Pittsburgh arrondissement.] Emmett: Can you believe how he's carry on? Ted: Sur la Seine. I nearly choked on my pâté. Brian: He's just dazzled. Give him a couple of days at LeGrand Q-Mart. He'll come back down to earth. Ted: I don't know. Every since he's with David I guesshe's have this whole new life. Emmett: Please, he was my roommate for two years. Now Idon't nearly seen him. Ted: We must beg him to come out into Bars... Brian: and he won't f*cking return my calls. [Emmett stops them both in the street. Directly in frontof them is a gold Miata.] Emmett: Oh, my god! Would you look at that?! Ted: Who would drive a golden Miata? Brian: With the top down? Emmett: in the middle of winter. Michael: How do you like it? Ted: (frowns) Oh, this is yours? Michael: David got it for me. Emmett: He... he broughed you a f*cking car?! Michael: Check out the plate. Brian: "CP ASTRO." That's cute. Michael: What do you think of the color? I was worriedthat the gold might be a tad showy. Ted: No, you wouldn't want that. Brian: You know, I called you this morning but you didn'tcall me back. Michael: Well, I was really busy. Emmett: You want to go to the gym with us? Michael: I can't. I meet David at our sports club. Brian: Well, what are you doin' tonight? Ted: How about come Woody's with us? Michael: Sorry, no can do. We have reservations atPappagano with Bobo and Melisande. Ted: (laughs) With Bobo and Melisande? Emmett: Sounds like a couple of drag queens. Michael: Bobo is a broker. We have our investments withhim. (his cell phone rings) Hi, honey. Yeah, don't worry.I just picked them up and I already spoke to the cater. Emmett: Having a party? Michael: It's just... it's just a couple of David'sfriends for dinner. Well, I'll better be goin'. See you. [Brian's at the Happy Fun House.Watching Lindsay try on her wedding dress.] Lindsay: So, what do you think? Brian: It's like a movie. A horror movie. Lindsay: Guillaume still has to fit it for me. He's greatwith a needle and thread. Brian: Is there anything he can't do? Lindsay: Charm my friends? Brian: I didn't know he was tryin'. [Guillaume breezes in with a bunch of boxes.] Brian: Well, if it isn't Coco Chanel. Gui: Company. Aren't we lucky? Lindsay: [to Gui] What do you think? Gui: Well, it's goin' to take a lots of work but it wouldbe a vision by the timeline score. Lindsay: Thanks. [Gus screams] Brian: I'll get him. Gui: That's okay. He's used to me. Brian: So what does the groom gonna be wearing? Lindsay: Very conserative. Very traditionell, black tux.We can't take any chances. It has to look real. Brian: This is a f*cking farce. Lindsay: You don't have to loose your temper. Brian: Why not? You've lost your mind. Lindsay: Well, I never thoughed I see myself in of these.Although I've often dreamed of being a bride. It's true.I suppose even dykes can't escape that fantasy. Brian: Only, you're marrying the wrong person. Lindsay: You're never asked me. Brian: I mean Melanie. Lindsay: Well, last time I checked we're live inPittsburgh, not Vermont. And at any rate, it's too late.Mel and I are finished. Brian: She doesn't think so. In fact, the only thing shethinks about is you. She blames herself for everything. Lindsay: Well, she's wrong. Because it's me. Because Ipushed her away. Why would you push away someone youlove? [Guillaume comes back in] Gui: Sorry for taking so long. He is being...very fussy.Alright, should we start at the gown. [Debbie's. Jennifer's there.] Justin: Everything was destroyed. My drawings, my books. Jen: You know who did it? Justin: I can guess. Chriss Hobbs. Vic: I say we go beat the sh1t out of him. Debbie: Hey, trying be constructive. Vic: I thoughed I was. Jen: Did you tell the principal? Justin: He doesn't care. It's all because of that group. Jen: What group? Debbie: Justin and Daphne try to start a Gay/StraightStudent Alliance. Justin: Yeah, but they shut us down because we go to theproper chanel. Vic: Even if you had it an inpropriate would make anydifference. Debbie: Do you have to piss on the kids idea? Vic: He might as known the truth. Justin: We just wanted a place where we could talk. Wecouldn't even have that. Jen: Well, considering what's happening maybe it's thebest you don't... try attention to yourself? Justin: You want me to hide? Jen: I want you to be safe! Justin: So, you just want me to run away. Let themintimidate me my whole entire life? Debbie: You still take up for yourself, sunshine. And youstand beside him! Jen: Debbie, would you please stay out of it? Debbie: I forgot. He just eats, sleeps, and jerks offhere. I'll keep my big mouth shut. Justin: Mom, this isn't about me, or even what happenedat school. This is about speaking out, demanding to beheard, whether people want to hear you or not. Jen: Where you learned all that? Justin: That's what you and dad told me. Jen: We did? Debbie: Well, as sure as hell, he certainly didn't learnit at the St. James Academy. [David and Michael's place. Briangets out of the Jeep and walks up to the garage, whereMichael is spit-shining the Miata.] Brian: So how was dinner with Bobo and Melisande? Michael: Melisande is a hoot, and Bobo is like, thesmartest person I've ever met. You'd love him. Brian: Uh-huh. Michael: Could you now lean on that? I just got thatpolishing it. Brian: Sorry. So, why haven't you introduced any of yournew best friends to any of your old best friends? Michael: Who's had this time? You know we're just getback from Paris. Brian: You went to Paris? God, I hadn't heard. Michael: f*ck off! Brian: Yeah, maybe you like that. Michael: What? Brian: Now that you have this fabulous new life... Michael: That's bullshit. Brian: Is it? You missed a spot. How long have I knownyou? Forever. I don't think it's bullshit. Michael: Could you move it? Brian: The trip and the clothes and the car. They'reboring. You're boring. Michael: Boring? I have to think I've become a veryinteresting person. Brian: You've become a f*cking little snot. Michael: Why, because I finally have a life?! Brian: Whose life? Yours? Or his? [The Principal's Office.] Jen: Justin tells me over the past couple of months, he'sbeen physically attacked, harassed, called names, andnothing has been done to stop it. Dr.Perkins: Mrs.Taylor, I can assure you that I had knownabout it, I would never have tolorated such behavior. Jen: Well he also said he tried to start a club for Gayand Straight Students and you refused to allowed to meet. Dr.Perkins: As one of the teachers already explained toJustin, he didn't go through the proper chanels. Jen: And what are the proper chanels? Dr.Perkins: Well, first he have to get approval from theschool board, of which I am the head. And then he wouldhave to seek approval for the meeting room, find afaculty advisor, none of which Justin bothered to do. Jen: Well, I'm sure he would bothered when he wouldknown. So, where are the forms? We can fill them outright now. Dr.Perkins: Mrs. Taylor, as you know, St. James is aprivate academy. We're not required to make allowancesfor everyone and everything. That's why parents sendtheir children to this school -- for the specialenvironment, and the outstanding education. Which Justinis getting. When he puts his mind to it. Justin: What is have to do with the Gay/StraightAlliance? Dr.Perkins: Suppose I gave you permission to organzisedyour club. And then another student wanted to start aclub for, say, white upremacists. Should I allow that,too? Jen: Excuse me, Dr.Perkins? But I have find thatextremely offensive. Dr.Perkins: Some of our parents would be hard-pressed tosee the distinction. Jen: Well, I'm hard-pressed to see the similarity! Dr.Perkins: Not everyone is as accepting of your son'ssexual preference as you are. Justin: It's not a preference. Jen: I was that way first to. Which is why it's importantthat they learn. Dr.Perkins: Mrs.Taylor, they are more important lessonsto be taughed here! Jen: Than tolerance? [Liberty Diner. Vic finds TheBoys' booth.] Vic: Anyone seen a certain hot item in the local gaypaper. Emmett: Is my ad still running? Vic: 'If you've got it, I'll sit on it.' Is that you? Imean, this. Ted: I don't think I open this paper from the front. Brian: "A fundraiser are holding for Senator DianeBaxter be held by Dr. David Cameron and Mr. MichaelNovotny." Debbie: What? Let me see that! Guy: Hey, can we have the food? Debbie: Eat the bread! Oh, my God, my baby is in highsociety! [Michael, dressed to the nines in a black turtleneck andleather jacket, walks in just as she's saying that.] Vic: Oh and here is our hosted with the lowetest. Debbie: Why didn't you tell me about it this? Emmett: Entertaining a senator. Brian: A kind of society lady. Ted: But don't show your slides about Paris. Michael: This is just a little thing that David startingit. I think he gave the Senator an adjustment, once. Guy: Can we please have our food? Debbie: It's salat! It's not like gonna get cold! Ohshit, what I wear to meet a senator? Emmett: Oh, I think I wear my orange suit with his newlime-green tie. Ted: Oh understement, you had style to go. How about youBrian? Emmett: Armany, Senia, Prada? Brian: Nada? I wasn't invited. Debbie: Of corse your invited. We're all invited, righthoney? Michael: Well, it's going to be really stuffy. No fun atall. And you have to make a contribution. Debbie: So? How often you get the chance to meet theSenator? Michael: But you have to work! Debbie: I take it off! Michael: Look, it just isn't your thing, okay?! So justdrop it! Okay, please can I get the turkey meat loaf togo? Debbie: OK, sweety. I just service this diner. Michael: I go to the washer. Brian: Say Ted, as my accountant, what do you think aboutme increasing my political contributions? [David's and Michael's place. TheFundraiser's on. David and his spawn are schmoozing withthe Senator, a good-looking woman in her fifties with adramatic shock of white hair.] Senator: And I have to thank you, David to open up yourbeautiful home to us. David: Well thank you, Senator, for your ongoingcommitment for the gay rights. Senator: Believe me, if it were up to me, you and Michaelwould be celebrating your wedding reception right now. David: Let's drink to that. Senator: If you excuse me. I should do what I'm supposedto do with these affairs and warm ups and donations. Michael: The last party I went to, we watched, I Don'tGive a sh1t What You Did Last Summer and drank beer andate nachos. David: Now, you're sipping champagne, eating caviartarts, and entertaining a Senator. [off-scream voice]: I hope we're not too late, I hate tomiss the crudités! [Fast pan into Mike's face as he turns around and shocks] Michael: Oh, sh1t! [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to a new group at the door: The Boys plus Debbie.Emmett's dressed in drag as 1963 Jackie Kennedy, all the way down to the pink coat. Ted's done up in leather.Justin and Brian are dressed for a night at Woody's.Justin's, like, wearing a shirt that only covers his upper chest. Vic's pimped out in the latest in '70scruise wear; Debbie's sporting a loose red muumuu outfit,complete with red heart-shaped sunglasses.] Debbie: Jesus, this place looks like a wake. Who died? Brian: Hey Novotny. Michael: What are you doin' here?! Debbie: We couldn't missed that party for the world,sweetheart. Ted: And we think our invitations must have gotten lostin the mail. Emmett: Damn the postal service. I'm going to write mySenator. Justin: You don't have to. She's here. Michael: This is a private benefit; you can't just breakin! Vic: 'Break in'?! We're family. Not bandits. Brian: Here is a little cheque, doc. I think it's enoughto cover all expenses. Nice try, Mikey. Excuse me. Ted: Cocktails? Emmett: Or two or three. [Michael and David are alone] Michael: I am so sorry, David. I can't believe it thatthey would show an uninvited. David: I don't think the Senator wouldn't mind if she seethe size of contribution. Justin: This music sucks dick! [Justin lights a cigarette. He crosses the room to thestereo, presumably to see what else is available.] Man: I believe it's jazz fusion. Justin: Yeah, in physics, fusion is supposed to cause ablast. Like, this. [He changes a channel or something to techno music.Justin sidles up to Suit Guy] Justin: You wanna dance? Guy: I don't dance. Justin: You do now. [Justin drags him into the middle of the living room.Debbie and Vic seek out Senator Baxter.] Debbie: Senator Baxter? Senator: Yes, I am. Debbie: Oh, I saw you in "Out". I'm DebbieNovotny. And this is my brother Vic. I'm Michael'smother. You know, our host. Senator: Yes, and he's a very charming young man. Vic: We used to think so. [Back in the living room. Michael and David.] Michael: Oh God, they cornerd the Senator. We have tosave her! David: She's a politician. She can talk her way out ofanything. [Ted's trying to make time with another guy in a suit.] Ted: Hey, how you're doin'? You get your drink? You wannadance? Guy#2: I'm not into leather. Ted: Yeah you know, neither was I. Then I ran into thisold school friend who shackled me in his dungeon and mademe his suck-pig. [Cut to Justin and Suit One grinding away in the livingroom. Cut to Brian forcing the waiter to drink a martini.Cut to Michael horrified. Cut to Emmett, talking to SuitsThree, Four, Five, and Six] Emmett: Black and blue, it's fine for bruises, boys, butwhen you come to a party, you need a little color. Nowyou -- oh, my Lord, who dressed you, Morticia Addams? --now, you have a fabulous bubble butt. But it's not goingto do you any good if you don't show it off. You to. Thislady is a tramp, and tonight, Jack's not the only onegetting lucky. [The Happy Fun House. Lindsay'sin bed, holding Gus, who's a tad bit fussy, but so cute.] Mel: Hello? Lindsay: Hi, it's me. I know it's late. Mel: Is everything alright? Lindsay: It's Gus. He's one of his moods. Mel: I remember his moods. Lindsay: Look, you're the one with the magic touch; wouldyou mind? Mel: Over the phone? Lindsay: I'll try everything. Mel: # The moment I wake up Before I put on my makeup I say a little prayer for you While combing my hair now And wondering what dress to wear now I say a little prayer for you Foreverand ever You'll stay in my heart And I will love you Forever and ever We never will part # Mel: Did it work? Lindsay: Like a charm. He's still the only one thatappreciates your singing. Mel: What? I have a lovely voice! Lindsay: You don't barely care! Mel: That's not true! Lindsay: Yeah, it is. Mel: Yeah, it is. Lindsay: Listen, thanks for helping. Night. [Back to the fundraiser, whichhas turned into Bablyon Uptown. The suits have turnedinto HDGBs. Brian's making out with the waiter in acorner. Jackie's shaking her groove thing in the middleof Suits Three, Four, and Five. Another waiter makes hisway through the dancing masses with a shrimp cocktailpoised perfectly on a tray. He trips. And falls. Rightinto Emmett and his cute little pink suit. Brian leadsthe waiter, who doesn't seem particularly worried aboutgetting fired, up the stairs.] Michael: Brian! Brian: Don't worry. I'm just giving him a tour of yourlovely home. Debbie: [to the Senator] I say, kick those Republicansright in the balls, except they haven't got any! Michael: Ma, could you stop monopolizing the Senator'stime. Debbie: I'm sorry, Diane. Michael: 'Diane'?! Senator: Michael, your mother is a remarkable woman! Iattend a lot of fundraisers, and don't get me wrong,everyone means well, but they're usually very boring. Butnot this one! I have to tell you, I'm having a ball! Michael: Ma, can I talked to you a second? Debbie: Sure, honey. Excuse me, Diane. [Michael still pulls his mother aside.] Debbie: Sunshine, tell Diane about the club you startedit. This is one goddamn brave kid. Talk to each other. [Once they're safely in the middle of the freaking livingroom floor] Michael: How dare you do this to me? And to David! Debbie: Do what? I was just talking to Diane. Do you knowthat she worked as a waitress to take care of her family? Michael: She was just been polite. Debbie: Polite? Michael: You actually think she wanted to spend herentire evening talking to you? Debbie: Well, it's not like I nailed her to the floor. Michael: I think you should all leave. Debbie: This party was a stinker before we got here. Youshould be thanking us. Michael: For embarrassing the hell out of me?! [Ted, Emmett, Vic, Justin, David, and Diane are allstaring at him now] Debbie: [nodds] I know that I'm a little hard to takesometimes. My jokes and my appearance, and my enthusiasm.Sometimes you're ashamed of me. That's okay. I'm yourmother, and that's part of the deal. But Michael, I neverthought the day would come when I would be ashamed ofyou. [The next day at the market,Guillaume, holding Gus] Gui: What do you mean, you haven't any white peaches? Oh,Pittsburgh! [Guillaume walks past Brian, who notices them beforeGuillaume notices him. Brian starts playing with thebaby] Brian: And he even does the shopping. Gui: Look who's here, Gus. Your sperm donor. And youthought he had a job. Brian: It's called lunch break. Gui: You know you should put things in your mouth thatdon't washed? Brian: You French. So hygienic. I'll take my chances. Gui: You used to living at risk. Brian: You know, you're taking quite a risk, yourself. Infact, if someone wanted to, they could...report you. Gui: Yes. It would be trouble for me. I could be sentback to France. But it would mean far worse for Lindsay.She could be sent to jail, which isn't exactly the Côted'Azur. Brian: Well, you're really shouldn't go through. Gui: Oh, I tried stopping but believe me, but she is theone who go with it. You know what a big heart she had. [He grabs a large zucchini] Gui: What do you think? Brian: Is it for dinner or is it for you? [Brian reaches for Gus, but Guillaume tries to shunt himaside] Gui: No, no, we have to go and make ratatouille. Brian: f*ck you and your ratatouille. Give me my kid, orI'll shove that zucchini up your ass. Gui: Okay, just for a minute. Brian: [whispers to Gus] You're right. I know. He smells. Gui: I wish I had a camera to capture this rare moment.You know, once Lindsay and I are married, we'll need youto keep your distance. We've got to keep up appearances.I'm even thinking about adopting Gus. That way,everything would be nice and legal. [Outside St. James. A nice littleprotest is going on, headed by Justin, Daphne, andDebbie. Everyone chants, "Hey hey! Ho ho!Homophobia's got to go!" The principal rushes out] Dr.Perkins: What's goin' on here? Justin: We're protesting St. James's bigoted policy onschool clubs. Dr.Perkins: Taylor, I had just enough of this! Debbie: It's called Freedom of Assembly. [Senator Baxter steps out of a car and walks up the driveas the Principal yells] Dr.Perkins: This is private property. You're alltrespassing. I'm calling the police! Debbie: You might stick around for this. [Cut to a little bit later, as Senator Baxter holds apress conference on the steps of the school, under a bigole P-FLAG banner] Senator: Justin Taylor tried to start a club to promotetolerance and understanding between Gay and StraightStudents. His attempt was denied, under the basis thatSt. James Academy was a private institution, and isn'trequired to acknowledge the voices of all it's students.Well, if private schools expect to receive publicdollars, then we can expect them to uphold the samevalues of freedom and civil rights on which this countryis based. [Moving On. Later, Justin wakesup at Brian's in the middle of the night. Brian's not inbed, but Justin can hear the clink of glass againstdecanter in the living room. He gets up, and finds Brianstaring at a picture of himself and Gus.] Justin: I love that picture. Brian: Yeah. Dada and sonny-boy. All right, so I'm ashitty father. Are we surprised? I'm upholding a finefamily tradition. Justin: You're not a shitty father. You love Gus. Brian: You think I would? It's strange. Justin: That there's someone else you care about besidesyourself? [He tries to grab for the glass of vodka(?) but Brianpushes him away] Brian: It's bad enough that you smoke at your age. Justin: At my age? Brian, I'm the most mature person youknow. Do you think Gus is going to speak French before hespeaks English? Brian: You wanna be go to bed? Justin: Lindsay can't raise him on her own. As much asyou love him, you're never going to be a full-timeparent. Brian: You know, if I wanted the news, I'd watch CNN. Justin: You know, you can't control everyone's life, eventhough you'd like to. Brian: Obviously. You're still here. Justin: Being mean to me has never really worked. Youshould try another tactic. [Justin starts kissing Brian's neck, and as much as Brianwould like to push him away, he just can't do it.] Brian: What are you doin? Justin: I'm killing you with kindness. It's proved to bea highly effective technique for achieving one's goals. [The Happy Fun House. Lindsay andGuillaume are getting ready to go.] Lindsay: You have his toys? Gui: Yeah, in the bag. Lindsay: Where are my keys? Gui: Please, please hurry up. Appointments in twentyminutes. Lindsay: I know when the appointment is! [The doorbell rings. Guillaume looks outside] Gui: Oh, melt! It's all me need. You have to get hurrywith them. Lindsay: Alright, move, move. What are you here? [Brian barges in, with Mel] Mel: Look, I have no idea. He's bringing me over here. Lindsay: We have to leave. Mel: He said he has an accident. Lindsay: An accident? Brian: It was the only way. Gui: Maybe some other time. We are late. Brian: Are you goin' somewhere? Gui: We get a marriage license when you excuse us. Brian: It just take a minute. Gui: No, we really must... Brian: Sit down and shut up! [Mel and Lindsay are sitting at the couch. Gui sitting inthe chair] Lindsay: What is it? Brian: Now, I don't want to hear any more sh1t about'This is my fault,' 'No, this is my fault,' 'I'm toblame,' 'No, I'm to blame,' 'I'm sorry,' 'No, I'm sorry.' Mel: But it really is my fault. Lindsay: No Mel, it was my fault. Mel and Lindsay: No, it's my fault. Mel: I worked this up in the therapy. Lindsay: And so did I. Brian: I said shut up! And f*ck therapy. This is the onlything that matters. [He throws some papers on the coffee table.] Lindsay: What's that? Brian: It's my parental rights. I've signed them over toyou. Mel: Oh my god, Brian... Lindsay: Are you sure? Brian: When I'm be doin' this when I doesn't? Lindsay: But why? Brian: Well, my son deserves two parents who will bethere for him and love him. And who love each other. So,the only way this deal works if the two of you get backtogether. Mel: What is this? Some kind of bribe. Brian: You could look at it that way. Or you could thinkof it as a very generous gift. But if you don't want it-- [He picks the document up off the coffee table.] Lindsay: Do you still love me? Mel: I never stopped. What do you think? Lindsay: Yeah. [They grin, they kiss] Brian: OK, lightning around here. Can I have an answer? Mel: Yes. Lindsay: Yes. Brian: Are you dykes for Christ-sakes talk about? Gui: And what about me? Lindsay: Oh Gui, I'm sorry. [Gui leaves the room. Brian holding Gus and waves Gus'hand.] Brian: Say au revior, Gus. [Debbie's. Senator Baxter ishanging out with The Boys Plus Debbie] Senator: This is fabulous! Debbie: Oh good. Sunshine, give us some food, weren't youbabe? I'm afraid it's not so fency as these little kaviarthing my son was serving. Ted: Well, man and Senators cannot live by fancy caviarthings alone. Senator: Oh, thanks. It's too bad Michael couldn't joinus. Vic: These days coming over dues mothers that they'll benot his style. Debbie: I'm sure he had other plans. Ted: Yeah, like dinner with Bobo. Emmett: And Melisande. Brian: Well, f*ck him. [Debbie starred at him] Sorry,Senator. Senator: It's okay. I've used that word myself. Usuallyfollowed by 'Bush.' Ted: I drink to that. Emmett: Let's all drink to that. Senator: Let me make a toast, please. First of all to ourwonderful hostess, Debbie. Debbie: Thank you. Senator: And to little victories. At least Dr.Perkins isagreed to take the request of the school board. Justin: Thanks, Senator Baxton. [Wealthy man walks in, in the guise of Michael Novotny.Right down to the beat-up jacket and Charlie Brown shirt.They all stare at him.] Debbie: Have a seat. Michael: I can't... I can't stay. Vic: You can't, or you don't want to? Debbie: You eaten? Michael: No. Debbie: So pull up a chair. Sunshine, can you put Michaelsome food? [Debbie stands up.] Debbie: You little asshole. Sorry, Diane. Senator: Oh, it's okay. I used that word too. [She and Mike hug and kiss and try not to cry.] [Justin walks out to find Briansmoking in the back yard.] Brian: So it all worked out, happy ever after. Justin: Thanks to the Senator. Brian: Don't kid yourself. Senator's using you for moneyand votes. She move on to her next cause, the nextfundraiser. Then where will you be? Justin: She said it's a small victory. Brian: Well, don't think that you've won. That it's over.Because the minute you do that, you're dead. [He kisses Justin with a lit cigarette in his mouth.] Justin: [breathe out] Not as long as I've got you toprotect me. [Brian slings an arm around his shoulder.]

Plan: A: the gang; Q: Who does Michael exclude from the high-society fundraiser? A: the big day; Q: What are Lindsay and Guillaume preparing for? A: Justin; Q: Who is being harassed at school? Summary: Dr. David and Michael host a high-society fundraiser-Michael excludes the gang; Lindsay and Guillaume prepare for the big day; Justin continues to be harassed at school.

Dwight: What's this? Jim: Looks like a red wire. Dwight: Hmm. It wasn't here before. Jim: Well it's a computer Dwight, computers have wires. Dwight: Yours doesn't. Jim: Doesn't it? Dwight: No, it's going in a different direction then the other wires. Jim: Dwight, I am really busy, I can't talk about this anymore. [Dwight follows red cord through office past Phyllis' and Stanley's desks] Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here! Stanley: What are you doing? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School. 20 bucks for the whole spool. Crazy, what a deal. [behind Jim, Dwight climbs telephone pole] Oh he'll be fine. I made it up there. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What you talking bout, Wallace? [imitating What you talking bout Willis] David: Hi Michael how are you? Michael: Hi, I am well, how are you? David: So listen, as you know, we haven't yet filled the regional supervisor job. Michael: Oh, have you not? David: Correct. And I was wondering if I could get you to do some of the field work that would normally go to the supervisor [Michael makes exaggerated oh-my-gosh face at camera]. There is an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook, where we have never done any business. Michael: Yeah. David: There is a small company there, Prince Paper. I can't get a report on it because it's not a public company. But we have been talking about going after their market, so I was hoping you could do some fact finding for me. Michael: Okay. David: I'll fax over some of the things we're looking for. Michael: Fax, why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur? David: Look, this is important, Michael. Michael: Oh, well, then, email it to me. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: You've got no taste Stanley Hudson. Stanley: Oh, I do. Andy: What are you guys talking about? Stanley: Some actress, whether shes hot. Andy: Who is the gal in question? Phyllis: Hillary Swank. Creed: Ah, Hillary Swank. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [most of office huddles around print out of Hillary Swank, judging her hotness] Not at all. Meredith: She's got mean eyes. Pam: Have you seen her with her bangs? Kevin: She looks like a monster. Jim: Guys, she is a beautiful movie star, so maybe we should just go to work. Meredith: She is an amazing actress. Kevin: That is not the question. Phyllis: She's not hot. Kevin: Yeah, thank you Phyllis. Jim: Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it. Angela: I'm not voting. Jim: [snaps back] No one cares. Who thinks that Hillary Swank is hot, raise your hand. [half of office raises hand] Okay, and who thinks Hillary Swank is not hot, raise your hand. [other half of office raises hand] Kevin: [counting votes] Five. Five to five. Jim: Thank you, accounting department. Kevin: So what do we do now? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [riding in car with Michael] What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets? Michael: I will seduce her. Dwight: No, I wanna seduce her. Michael: No, I will seduce her. Dwight: Please Michael, please. Michael: No, I got it. Dwight: You'll fall in love with her. Michael: Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support. Dwight: Okay, let's go over the plan again. Michael: Alright, I am a local business owner. [Dwight nods along] I need to buy paper. I find out everything about their prices and policies Dwight: Your fictitious name? Michael: Michael Scarn. Dwight: I am a paper salesman looking for a new job. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries. Michael: Okay. Dwight: Then we meet at the Denny's... Michael: [interrupting] No. Dwight: ...and then we compare notes. Michael: No, no, I never said Denny's. IHOP. Dwight: No! [arguing over each other] Dwight: You know how I feel about IHOP. Michael: Oh, don't start, Dwight: Are you socialist? Michael: You know what? I don't want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP. Dwight: I'll have a cup of a coffee. Michael: You will have pancakes and you'll like it. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Store only has three employees. Michael: So what? Dwight: It means they are not expanding. Michael: Maybe they are shrinking. Dwight: No. Michael: They could be shrinking. Dwight: No because their sign is centered perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved. Michael: Ah ha [popping something in his mouth] Yup. Dwight: [spying through binoculars] Its lunch time, and no sign of anyone coming in or out. Which means they are not taking new customers out to lunch. Michael: Mm hmm . Dwight: Which Means they're not acquiring new business. So once again no growth. Michael: And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky, which means gonna rain, bad for business. Dwight: Oh, it would if they were all cumulous and not cirrostratus. Michael: Argh, why are you all... Dwight: Get your clouds right. Michael: Shut up. Dwight: So you go in now, I am going to go in exactly ten minutes. We have never met each other. We are complete strangers. Also, we are going to need a signal to bolt out of there if there is danger. Lick ur lips, try it. [Michael licks lips] No, no like this. [Dwight starts and Michael follows passionately licking their lips] Good. Michael: Ready to do this? Dwight: Yeah. Michael: Good. Here come the sharks. [they imitate jaws theme sounds and Dwight makes shark fin on his forehead] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: In nature, there is something called a food chain; it's where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark. So now replace sharks with paper companies and that is all you need to know about business. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello. Entire Prince family: Hello, hi. Michael: My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner and I would like to find out about your company. Prince Grandfather: Oh, please come in Michael: Thank you. Prince Grandfather: What kind of business are you in. Michael: We are a law firm. Prince Grandfather: I assume your primary paper needs are stationary, general office. Michael: You know, I will be honest with you... about something. Where we used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients and I just didn't feel like a priority. So I guess my question [reaches for paper in his pocket with questions on it] for you would be [reading off sheet] how many clients do you have? Prince Grandfather: About 80. Michael: Really? That many? This doesn't seem like a very big operation. Prince Grandfather: It's just me, my wife and my son. Michael: Ah, so when did you set up shop? Prince Grandfather: I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam. Michael: Oh Vietnam, I hear it's lovely . Prince Grandfather: [muted] Mmhmm. [shrugs] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. Topic[/b]: Hillary Swank is attractive. Entire office: Hot! Kevin: The debate is whether she is hot. Stanley: What difference does it make? Attractive, beautiful, hot, we're talking about the same thing here. Kevin: Huge difference. A painting can be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting. Andy: Okay, TMI. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So, even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded, you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock? Prince Grandfather: You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer. Michael: Well that is... because... I am a genius. Prince Grandfather: Oh really? Michael: Yes, well about some things, and other things I am very stupid. Like, watch this. Is this the cup? [picks up tape dispenser and makes drinking motion] Is this the cup? [picks up a stapler and makes drinking motion] Is this what I drink out of? [glug noise, both laugh] Laughter is my job, tears are my game, law is my profession. Dwight: Hello, I would like to apply for a job. Prince Grandfather: Hi, I'm afraid we're not hiring right now. Dwight: Why don't you just get rid of this guy? [points to Prince Son] Prince Grandfather: That's my son. Dwight: I'm your son now; you can visit him on holidays. Dwight Schrute, I'm a paper salesman at a second tier paper company called Dunder Mifflin. I'm the top salesman there and I'm looking for a new challenge. I would say you guys have what, 40 high full volume clients? Michael: Try 80. Dwight: Pshaw, that's nothing. I've 90 clients myself. You had better look out, someone might run you out of business. Prince Grandfather: I sure hope not. Dwight: Me too. [smirking] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures, you know? We don't really see them as real so therefore we don't judge them as real people. Kevin: Are you serious? Jim, just show us a picture. Oscar: Kevin, c'mon. Kelly: Yeah, shut up Kevin. Kevin: He's making all these fancy, uh, it's a gut thing. Jim: Kevin, you know what, why don't you close your eyes? Imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real and she walks over to you [in a more and more seductive voice] and says Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile and there is nothing I would rather do then make out with you right now. And now you tell me something, is she hot? [Kevin gets up to join the "hot" team to their great joy] Does that end the debate? Kevin: [Kevin sits down, gets right back up and heads back to "not hot" team] No, it's is she hot, not would you do her. Respect the game. Angela: Oh my God. Jim : [fingers opened an inch] This close. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince: Grandfather[/b]: So why are you considering leaving Dunder Mifflin? Dwight: My boss, his insensitivity might border on cruel. This is a man who does not listen to the needs his underlings. [Michael takes offense and charges over] Michael: Hey, hey, how is your interview going? Dwight: It's going very well. Michael: Don't blow it. Hey Linda, can I get a picture of you? Linda: You want a picture of me? Michael: I would, could you just stand over here? That would be great [positioning her towards sign of Prince Family Paper customers] Just a little something to remember the trip by. A little to your left [positions Linda to get better picture] Linda: Can I get a copy of that? Prince Granddaughter: Grandma, I can't do this. Michael: What's going on? Little homework over here? Lets see if I can help. Huh, math, that's not so hard. Ok. There are 4 of these, ignore the parenthesis, right? Prince Granddaughter: Right. Michael: Why is this little 2 so small? It's, it's weird, you don't, you just go by the x. The x means times. 4 times x 2. What is double 4? Prince Granddaughter: 8 Michael: Excellent! Way to go! Nice! [Michael and granddaughter Prince exchange high fives] Prince Grandmother: Don't put that. [granddaughter Prince erases and corrects answer] [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Ladies and gentlemen, even though the pen1s was fake, I was expecting a second plot twist where we found out Hilary Swank was a boy. Pam: [disapprovingly] Kevin! Angela: Ok, I wasn't going to dignify this discussion by getting involved, but I don't even get the discussion, hot is a temperature people. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said, so, yes, she's hot, she's hot as heck, she's a female Boris Becker. Jim: OH! [the "yes she's hot team" claps] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, well thank you very much for all of your help. It's going to be an incredibly hard decision. Prince Grandfather: Wait; let me get something for you. Here is some, some references. Here is a list of references, our top clients. You call any of them; I trust you will hear some good things. Michael: I... Okay, okay, okay, [in disbelief] alright, thank you. [heads towards Dwight, makes make out lips signal] Dwight: [both making make out lips at each other] Excuse me sir, I took the bus here and was wondering if I could catch a ride home with you in your car. Michael: Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time. Dwight: Thank you very much. Michael: I cannot wait to contact your clients. Dwight: Thank you for your time I look forward to getting your calls. [hurrying out door] Prince Grandfather: Bye bye now. So long. Dwight and Michael: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. [running out door] Michael: Haha, we struck the mother load! Dwight: Cmon. Michael: Wallace is going to freak. Dwight: All their top clients I can't believe it. Michael: He's going to absolutely freak. Dwight: Someone's looking out the window. Go go, Peel out, go. [car hits front divider, screeching] Michael: Oh shoot. Dwight: You drove over that. Go back [car hits divider, screeching] Michael: Oh God, what was that? Dwight: That's not good. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: No, no, no no. Shes hot, okay? Because if you are saying Hillary Swank isn't hot, then you are saying that I am not hot. Because obviously I am not as hot as Hillary Swank! [Kelly runs away in tears] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Oh my God. Michael: Aw, it's alright. Dwight: Oh man, Michael: Aw, my car. Dwight: Not good. Prince Grandfather: Is everyone okay? Prince Grandmother: It sounded bad. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: No no, we are fine. You have done enough already. Dwight: You've done more then you can possibly know. Michael: Just, shut up. You know we are just going to call a tow truck, so... Prince Grandfather: A tow truck is going to charge you one hundred bucks to take you a mile. Let me take a look. Michael: No, no, really not necessary. Dwight: He drove over the divider and then backed over it and caused the.. Prince Grandfather: I'll be right back I'm just going to grab my tool box. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Ladies, are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us? Anything at all? We don't even give him full internet access. Kevin: [surprised] Wait, what? [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: See that, the obvious symmetry of the face? That's a natural appeal of the scientific standard of coin aphelia, features that are a composite average of many features. Yes, she is attractive, but is not hot. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: How much longer is this going to take? Michael: You know let me give you some money for this. Prince Son: No, I work at a desk all day, its nice working with my hands. Michael: Oh coffee, that's too much. [Dwight drinks it] Dwight: This is disgusting, what is it this, instant? Prince Grandfather: Well that outta do it. [bumper is heavily duct taped to the car] Prince Granddaughter: Its all better. Michael: Thank you. Prince Grandfather: Gosh, well so long. [they exchange byes] Dwight: I look forward to hearing from you about that job application. Michael: Ok, goodbye Prince Family. Dwight: Goodbye prince family, [to Michael] should be called the Sucker family. Here you go shark, let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth while I'm at it. [Dwight laughs evilly, Michael seems remorseful] Bye bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [punches Michael on the arm, beckons to Michael for high five, does not get it, high fives himself, smiles contently] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [entire office is chatting] I'm saying, all I'm saying is Kevin is not necessarily a feminist, is all I'm saying. Pam: No, because... [Dwight and Michael walk in and march into Michael's office, silencing the conversation] Michael: Dwight, what will happen to that family if I call David and give him this information? Dwight: Its simple, David would use that information to destroy them. Michael: Ok. You know, our sales are fine. We're doing fine. They're doing fine. Dwight: They could do better. Michael: Why don't we just, live and let live? Dwight: What? Michael: Live and let live. Dwight: I'm not familiar with that expression, Michael: It's from James Bond. Dwight: It doesn't make sense, of course I'm alive. Michael: I'm not going to make this call. Dwight: Michael, you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel? Michael: My heart says... Dwight: Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions. Michael: That is true. Dwight: Yes. Michael: That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many many times. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: Jan... Ryan. Dwight: Yeah, save your heart for love, and use your brain for business, right? If we don't do this to prince paper, someone else will. Worse yet, someone else will do it to us. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: I am trying to be more optimistic in life. I've got what, 20 or 30 years left. And my family history says I have less. Now, the old Stanley Hudson would have found something wrong this actress. But that is no way to live life. Look at this healthy sexy pretty strong young woman. C'mon people! She is hot. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died. Michael: You're right. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: You are right. I will call David and give him the customer list and I will give him all my info. Dwight: Good, so, [Michael takes client list and heads out of office] where are you going? Michael: Just something I have to do first. Dwight: Where are you taking the client list? Michael: Somewhere safe, where it can't hurt anyone [starts running, Dwight follows] Dwight: Michael, Michael, no. Michael, give that. Michael, don't do this. No. [chasing Michael out of the office into parking lot] Michael: Oh shoot! [gets to his car turns around] Dwight: Freeze, give me the list! [still chasing him back into office where Michael grabs his car keys from his desk and heads back to parking lot] Dwight: No no no, I can't let you do this! Michael: Those people will be ruined. [runs out back door] Dwight: Its business, not personal. [they run back outside, where Dwight gets paper from Michael] Michael: Give it, give it. We can't do this to those people. Dwight: Its over, Michael, its over. [holding list of clients up] Michael: Im not a shark. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Okay, it is time for the final votes. All of those in favor of resolution Hillary Swank is hot? [half of office raises hand] Okay. And all those opposed? [he skips back and joins other half of office in raising hand] Kevin: This is ridiculous. Oscar: That's the thing about debating, you're just going to get people more entrenched in the view they had in the first place. [two sides of the debate start arguing] [SCENE_BREAK] David: This is good stuff Michael. You are a titan of industry pal. Michael: [pained] Mpfh. David: Good work. Michael: Thank you. David: Look I'll be in touch, thanks buddy. Michael: Okay, bye bye. Dwight: Guess whose stock just went up, golden boy? Michael: I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. That's what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I don't even... what's the point of that? Why not just sweet? Who are you helping? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, hey what is this? Pam: Hillary swank. Michael: Oh, she is hot. ["Hillary Swank is hot" supporters cheer]

Plan: A: David Wallace; Q: Who requested the investigation of Prince Paper? A: Dwight; Q: Who goes undercover with Michael to investigate Prince Paper? A: rival paper company Prince Paper; Q: What is the name of the rival paper company? A: a small, family-owned operation; Q: What kind of operation is Prince Paper? A: an extremely nice family; Q: What kind of family is Prince Paper? A: a difficult time; Q: What does Michael have when he has to hand over the findings? A: their findings; Q: What does Michael have a hard time handing over to Wallace? A: a debate; Q: What does the office hold to settle a question? A: Hilary Swank; Q: Who did Michael vote for? A: The office; Q: Where does Michael cast the winning vote? A: six; Q: How many people voted "yes" in the debate? Summary: By request of David Wallace, Michael and Dwight go undercover to investigate rival paper company Prince Paper. As they are a small, family-owned operation made of an extremely nice family, Michael has a difficult time handing over their findings to Wallace. Meanwhile, the rest of the office holds a debate to settle a question: is Hilary Swank hot? The office is tied six to six when Michael off-handedly casts the winning vote for "yes".

"Death in the Saddle" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER [EXT. VIRGINIA - WOODED AREA - DAY. A group of boy scouts are setting up camp in the middle of the woods. A LEADER: approaches AARON:, one of the boys, who is in the process of erecting a tent.] LEADER: Aaron, where's Joey? AARON: Takin' a leak. LEADER: (sighing) Buddy system! AARON: Come on! LEADER: Which way'd he go? AARON: I dunno, Jeez, Joey's gotta whiz like every ten minutes, and I- [From offscreen JOEY is heard screaming. Leader, Aaron, and another boy immediately run towards him. They find him a few feet from the main camp area, he is screaming as he has found a maggot-covered corpse in the bushes.] [CUT TO: EXT. WASHINGTON DC - WOODED AREA - NIGHT. DR. CAMILLE SAROYAN is leaning down, examining the corpse while SPECIAL AGENT SEELEY BOOTH: stands watching. Several FBI Agents are investigating the scene, and floodlights have been set up to aid in the investigation.] CAM: Trauma to the forehead... BOOTH: Eyes full of maggots, and all you see is the boo-boo on the forehead. CAM: Hands bound in front of him...Definitely not execution-style. BOOTH: What's the uh, shiny stuff on the nose? CAM: Some kind of emollient. It's around his lips too. You get anything out of the boy who found him? [Enter DR. TEMPERANCE BRENNAN:] BOOTH: Only thing that came out of the kid was vomit. BRENNAN: That would explain the pervasive smell... Why am I here? CAM: Dead guy, foul play... it's your main function. BRENNAN: With bones. This is... very meaty. CAM: No, there's a bit of bone here...and...there. (Cam gestures towards the corpse) BOOTH: And look at all the maggots. BRENNAN: Bones! I said, not bugs. CAM: Lividity looks fixed. BOOTH: So. It's not a body dump, he was killed here. BRENNAN: This is all flesh! Why'd you call me in on this? BOOTH: Wasn't me! CAM: It was me. BRENNAN: Why? Is it because you're trying to think of excuses to put Booth and me together on cases? CAM: I wouldn't do that, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Well, cause we worked things out, and we're fine. (To Booth) Right? BOOTH: Yeah. Hundred percent. CAM: That's...that's not why I called you in. BRENNAN: Then why? [Cam looks at the corpse for a moment, thinking] BOOTH: Feet are missing. CAM: Because his feet are missing. Which...suggests bone trauma, which immediately suggested you. BOOTH: Oh, look at that! Blood. Do you think that's from, uh, the wound on the forehead? [Booth shines his flashlight along a blood trail, which they all begin to follow] CAM: No, too much. BOOTH: Alright, looks like the blood trail stops here... CAM: You want the honour? BOOTH: The honour is all yours. [Brennan and Cam kneel down and begin to dig through the leaves.] BRENNAN: I got a foot! (Brennan holds a severed foot) CAM: Me too. (Cam holds up a second severed foot) BOOTH: Find a third one and I'll be impressed. [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY. Cam and Brennan are examining the corpse, which, including the feet, is spread out on a platform.] CAM: I estimate time of death at around four days. BRENNAN: Hodgins took a look at the maggots and agrees. Trauma to the frontal bone would have been fatal. CAM: Well, tissue damage indicates some kind of blade. BRENNAN: So does bone damage. CAM: ...Dr. Brennan, you aren't... being competitive between flesh and bone, are you? BRENNAN: ...It's possible. CAM: (Amused nod) Absence of pronounced ecchymosis on the wrists indicates the hands were bound post-mortem. BRENNAN: Consistent with the feet- no hemorrhagic tissue, they were removed post-mortem... Was that competitive? CAM: No, I'm hearing tone, but... could be my imagination. [Enter DR. JACK HODGINS:] HODGINS: Angela is going to be hypnotised. BRENNAN: Why? HODGINS: She's going deep into her subconscious to remember her husband's name. So we can find him, divorce him, get married ourselves, and live happily for all eternity. BRENNAN: You won't live for eternity. [Enter Booth, with a case file.] CAM: I thought you had a name. BOOTH: A name for what? CAM: Angela's husband. HODGINS: Berimbau. But our private investigator says it's a nickname. BOOTH: Well, you can't get much off a nickname. BRENNAN: Berimbau is a little flute. Brazilian. [Hodgins and Cam grin, Booth looks annoyed.] BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: A little flute? HODGINS: Suddenly filled with a sense of... well-being. [Cam begins to remove and weigh the corpse's organs.] BRENNAN: The jury's out on the efficacy and validity of recovered memories. BOOTH: That's great, speaking of names...(Booth raises his file and scans it) I uh, ran the vic's prints, I got a hit, Ed Milner from Maryland. HODGINS: The shiny substance you found on the victim's nose and mouth? It's sunscreen. Per the manufacturer, it protects and maintains the natural colour of coats, manes and tails. BOOTH: Coats, manes, and tails. Oh, my. HODGINS: Formulated for horses. BRENNAN: Any human applications? HODGINS: Manufacturer recommends against use on human skin. CAM: (Removing particles from the corpse's stomach) Guys? Contents of the victim's stomach are corn...raw oats, and dried molasses. BOOTH: Horse food? CAM: F.Y.I? There's such a thing as too much fibre. BRENNAN: Alright, I can draw inferences from multiple equine implications...(Brennan maximises x-rays of the corpse on a monitor) BOOTH: What? HODGINS: She's goin' along with the horsey thing. BRENNAN: Incised wounds extending into the periosteum of the maxilla between the molars and pre-molars. CAM: Ahhh. HODGINS: What? BRENNAN: His teeth and jaw show evidence of a bit. [Hodgins begins laughing. The others look confused] HODGINS: (Explaining) His name is Ed. [Cam and Booth begin chuckling as well] BRENNAN: Why is that funny? CAM: As in a horse is a horse... [Booth and Hodgins chime in] CAM, BOOTH & HODGINS: (in unison)...Of course, of course. [Brennan continues to look confused] BOOTH:...The famous Mr. Ed? BRENNAN: (Still confused) Mr. Ed? CREDITS ACT I [INT. FBI BUILDING - BOOTH:'S OFFICE - DAY. Booth is interviewing ALICE MILNER, Ed the corpse's wife. Mrs Milner is looking over her husband's case file, complete with photograph of the corpse] MRS. MILNER: He was supposed to be on a corporate retreat in Orlando, Florida. He's in marketing. BOOTH: Are you able to identify your husband's body from that photograph? MRS. MILNER: (Nodding, tearing up) Yes, that's it. I don't understand. Who could have done that? BOOTH: We found your husband's body just outside Harrisonburg, Virginia. MRS. MILNER: Virginia? BOOTH: Did he, uh, mention any recent...disagreements? Friends, coworkers, family members? MRS. MILNER: No. Ed was one of 'those guys'. When we got married, we owned an apartment building, if a tenant couldn't afford the rent, Ed would cut him a break. That's how he was with everyone. BOOTH: Do you have a ranch? Uh... own a race horse, a... pony ride... anything like that? MRS. MILNER: No, why? BOOTH: Did Ed ever go to the race track? Rodeos? MRS. MILNER: I'm not sure Ed even ever saw a real horse up close and in person. Why? BOOTH: I don't have anything concrete right now, but when I do, I'll let you know. [Mrs. Milner nods and breaks down crying.] [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - BRENNAN'S OFFICE - DAY. Brennan is at her desk, looking at sites about horses on her computer. Enter Booth.] BOOTH: Hey. BRENNAN: Hay is for horses! BOOTH: Heeey, that's funny, Bones! BRENNAN: I found it on this website about horses. BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: Where do horses stay in a hotel? BOOTH: Bridle suite. BRENNAN: ...That's correct. BOOTH: Mm-hm. So did you find out anything useful? BRENNAN: The hooves of champion thoroughbreds are buried separately from the corpses. The hooves represent power, and are given their own resting spot. Our victim's feet were separated from his body. BOOTH: Wait, the victim's wife said he was at a corporate retreat, and his boss said he took time off to spend with his family. BRENNAN: He lied. BOOTH: Yeah, they could all be lying. BRENNAN: How did you know the answer to the bridle suite joke? BOOTH: I have a five year-old son. [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY. Cam is in the process of weighing organs. Enter ANGELA MONTENEGRO] ANGELA: Hey. Have you seen Brennan? CAM: You just missed her. Booth tracked down the victim's last credit card purchase to a country inn in Virginia. Why, do you need her? ANGELA: Well I'm sort of hoping that she needed me. CAM: Well I admire your work ethic, but she didn't say anything to me. ANGELA: What about you? You need anything? CAM: I am weighing human organs. Not really your thing. ANGELA: Right. Okay. CAM: Are you passing the time until you're hypnotised? ANGELA: (Horrified) Did Hodgins tell everybody? CAM: Oh, he's excited. We all are. Delving into the subconscious to find the name of the mystery husband? Veeery romantic. ANGELA: Well, it won't be so romantic when I divorce him. CAM: Romantic for you and Hodgins when you finally get married... You nervous? ANGELA: No. No, I'm annoyed. I know about this hypnotism thing. I was a magician's assistant at a little gypsy carnival in Brazil. CAM: Now that's an opening line. ANGELA: Ugh, Mysterio was really cute, and I was younger then, and... the whole being sawed in half thing was actually kinda hot. CAM: We were talking about hypnotism. ANGELA: Right. Well this guy could rub an alligator's stomach so I could stick my head inside its mouth? But every time he hypnotised people? It was always a scam. CAM: Angela? Therapeutic hypnosis is a proven technique. Electro-encephalography shows an increase in activity in the cerebral cortex, which opens the subconscious. ANGELA: Really? CAM: Yeah! It alters the alpha and the theta waves. Read the Stanford University study, it's not a party trick. ANGELA: You read that? CAM: And I've been hypnotised myself. ANGELA: Wow...Why? CAM: Well, I was in Vegas. I got called up on stage, and apparently, I clucked like a chicken in front of three thousand people. But I have absolutely no memory of it. ANGELA: Was this little episode in the Stanford study? CAM: No, it should have been. For the next three days, every time someone said 'coffee', I'd cluck. Awkward! ANGELA:. Okay. Why am I not feeling better about this? CAM: Trust me. No crazier than you drinking cava and marrying a giant in Fiji. And Hodgins seems to be pretty cool with that, so... if he wants you to try hypnosis, I'd say... get drowsy. ANGELA: I guess you're right. I've done crazier stuff than this! CAM: Yeah! ANGELA: What can happen, right? CAM: There you go. [Angela begins to leave the room, Cam goes about her business. At the last minute, Angela turns back] ANGELA: (Curiously) Coffee? CAM: Brawk! ... Kidding. It's been two years. [Angela grins and leaves] CAM: Brawk! [CUT TO: INT. AMBASSADORA BED & BREAKFAST - DAY. Booth and Brennan are at the front desk of the bed & breakfast, attempting to interview LUCKY the proprietor.] LUCKY: So, you say you're with the F.B.I. [Booth shows Lucky his badge.] BRENNAN: That is the third time he's shown you his I.D. LUCKY: (Looking at a picture of the victim and scoffing) Why would I know this man? BOOTH: Because we have his credit card history and you're a part of it? BRENNAN: Sir, why are you being so difficult? DUDE: Not difficult. Discreet. BOOTH: What do you do? Run a service for cheating husbands? BRENNAN: (To Booth) Call in the S.W.A.T. team, they're anything but discreet. LUCKY: (Alarmed) O-okay. Okay. That's Mr. Ed. BRENNAN: A horse is a horse, of course, of course? LUCKY: That's the general idea, yes... Come with me, please. [Lucky begins to lead Booth and Brennan behind the desk and into a lounge area.] LUCKY: The Ambassadora is a place where people come to indulge in pony play fantasy twenty-four hours a day without fear of judgement. Mr. Ed? Is a pony. BOOTH: Is this some kind of a s*x thing? BRENNAN: How'd you get there so quickly? BOOTH: The man said 'fantasy', I just made the leap. LUCKY: Ed took off a couple of days ago. Which was odd, since he'd prepaid. BOOTH: Prepaid for what? LUCKY: Oh! We're uh, we're in the middle of what you might call our... convention. So unless this is really important... I'd rather not disturb our guests. BOOTH: Well. Two miles from here, in the woods, Mr. Ed was found dead. [CUT TO: Lucky leads Booth and Brennan into a main room in the Ambassadora, where a number of half-naked people are leading around also half-naked, whinnying, leather-clad partners dressed as BDSM versions of horses. The "horses" begin to eat from a trough, while the "riders" sit down at a table for their own meal.] BOOTH: Wow, what's goin' on here? BRENNAN: It's a fetish. BOOTH: Uh, so the idea here is that one of them is the horse and the other one is the rider? LUCKY: Basically. BRENNAN: Well, this isn't about the horses. It's about a dominant versus submissive balance of power, a variation on sado-masochism. BOOTH: Those people are eating from troughs... (To Brennan) Do you think that's sexy? BRENNAN: Fetishism is a way of indulging in sexual activity, without actually engaging emotionally with the other person as a fully formed human being. BOOTH: Okay, s*x is all about engaging. You don't wanna engage, you just stay home, and... you know. BRENNAN: Well, they have masturbation fetishes. Often involving women's shoes or undergarments- BOOTH: (Cutting Brennan off, embarrassed) Uh, can we just talk to Mr. Ed's mistress, dominatrix...whatever. LUCKY: I'm gonna have to talk to a few people, and ask permission to out them. We have three lawyers, a half a dozen doctors- [Brennan raises her voice and addresses the horses and riders, ignoring Lucky's protests.] BRENNAN: Excuse me? We need to speak to Mr. Ed's groom. Whoever...rode him last. BOOTH: That's a great way to cut to the chase there, Bones, okay. [Booth steps forward and flashes his badge] Alright, F.B.I. And sir, could you turn your behind around so it's... behind. [One rider, ANNE 'ANNIE OAKLEY:' MARIE OSTENBACK rises and turns towards Booth and Brennan.] [CUT TO: EXT. AMBASSADORA BED & BREAKFAST - DAY. Annie Oakley is walking in the mansion's gardens, being interviewed by Booth and Brennan.] ANNIE OAKLEY: My name in the world is, uh, Anne Marie Ostenback. Here, I'm Annie Oakley. BOOTH: Naturally. ANNIE OAKLEY: So Mr. Ed is dead? BRENNAN: How well did you actually know him? BOOTH: Obviously she knew him very well. BRENNAN: Sexual fetishes are all about role-playing, she probably never knew his real name. ANNIE OAKLEY: We met online over a year ago. We were a match, I mean compatible in every way. You have no idea how hard it is to find the perfect pony. BOOTH: Don't look at me. ANNIE OAKLEY: Mr. Ed was easy to handle, but he wasn't mindlessly obedient. BOOTH: Okay. ANNIE OAKLEY: And yes. We had s*x, if that's your next question. BOOTH: When did you first meet in person, so that you could, you know, um... ride him? ANNIE OAKLEY: Uh, six months ago. I fell in love with him. BOOTH: Meaning, what, uh, a little light whipping? ANNIE OAKLEY: When I say love, I don't mean romantically. I mean the way a young girl feels about her first pony. BRENNAN: Have you ever heard of anything like one pony fighting another? ANNIE OAKLEY: No. No, pony play is not like that. BOOTH: Mr. Ed's body was found only a few miles from here. BRENNAN: Evidence on the body suggested an equine fetish. BOOTH: So you can understand why we might think that someone from your s*x game community killed him. ANNIE OAKLEY: You should talk to his wife. BOOTH & BRENNAN: (In unison) His wife? ANNIE OAKLEY: Yes, she showed up here and the next morning, Ed was gone. BOOTH: Oh, well he didn't just run off and join a band of wild mustangs now, did he? ANNIE OAKLEY: You know, I'm speaking to you willingly. Without a lawyer present. You could at least pretend to show me some respect. BOOTH: (Sarcastically) Yeah, I'll try. ANNIE OAKLEY: The night Ed took off, I was in the stables with him. I'd worked him hard that day, and was rubbing him down. Which is when she caught us. BRENNAN: Did you know he was married? ANNIE OAKLEY: I didn't want to marry the man. I just wanted to play with the pony. BOOTH: How did he react when he saw his wife? ANNIE OAKLEY: He never broke character. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: He remained a pony. ANNIE OAKLEY: I finished rubbing him down, and I went to bed. Alone. The next morning at breakfast he was gone, I assumed he went back to his wife. BOOTH: Okay. I'd appreciate it if you kept the fact that Ed Milner was murdered to yourself. [Annie Oakley nods.] [CUT TO: EXT. SUV TRAVELLING ALONG ROAD IN WASHINGTON, DC - DAY. Booth and Brennan are discussing the case. Booth is driving, Brennan is flipping through a pamphlet from the Ambassadora.] BOOTH: What's worse? Okay, finding out that uh, your spouse is having an affair, or finding out that he has a secret life as a pony? BRENNAN: Pony fetishism has been around since the Greeks. BOOTH: Had to have been the wife, right? BRENNAN: Aristotle extolled the joys of being ridden like a horse. BOOTH: Aristotle also thought that the purpose of the human heart was to solve math problems. BRENNAN: I'm surprised you know that. BOOTH: Well, turns out I'm smarter than a fifth grader (chuckles). BRENNAN: And in Victorian England, scantily-clad women put on erotic shows dressed as ponies. BOOTH: Just saying, wife sees some woman in a harness rubbing her husband down, while he's nibbling on oats? That's harsh. BRENNAN: And in sixteenth century Turkey, the king kept stables of pony-girls and pony-boys for his pleasure. BOOTH: 'Kay, king of Turkey was a freak. BRENNAN: Why are you being so judgemental? BOOTH: When you turn someone into an object of sexual pleasure, it's wrong. BRENNAN: How do you know? BOOTH: It says in the Bible. BRENNAN: It does not! BOOTH: Then it got left out by mistake. BRENNAN: We are all hard-wired differently, if someone needs to shout 'Giddyup' to heighten arousal...what's wrong with that? BOOTH: Maybe if Ed lived like a man, he wouldn't have died like a horse. That's all. [CUT TO: INT. FBI BUILDING - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY. Booth and Brennan are re-interviewing Mrs. Milner] BRENNAN: You knew your husband wasn't in Florida. MRS. MILNER: Yes. I lied. BOOTH: Why? MRS. MILNER: I was married to Ed for nine years. We have kids. My first concern was to make sure that they didn't find out that their father was a pervert. BRENNAN: So his fetish was a surprise to you? MRS. MILNER: Try complete shock! Why would Ed do that? We had a good s*x life. BRENNAN: More likely, there was a part of your husband that could never have been satisfied by love alone. BOOTH: Bones that's one of those...We... (Exasperated sigh) (To Mrs. Milner) How did you track him down? MRS. MILNER: What? BOOTH: Well I mean you didn't just, you know, wander into his uh, his stable or- or paddock, or whatever. MRS. MILNER: No, I really did think he was in Orlando on a business trip. I got a call. BRENNAN: From whom? MRS. MILNER: A man. He said Ed was with another woman and told me where I could find them. He didn't mention the pony stuff. BOOTH: Did you recognise his voice? MRS. MILNER: No. BRENNAN: Anything distinctive at all? MRS. MILNER: (Sighing) An accent. Um, Australian, maybe? English? BOOTH: So... you walked in on Ed and his...um... BRENNAN: Rider. BOOTH: ...Rider. MRS. MILNER: Is that what they call it? BOOTH: What happened next? MRS. MILNER: I got the hell out of there, I drove home. BRENNAN: Did you hear from him again? MRS. MILNER: No, I engaged a divorce attorney right away, who said all communications should go through her. BOOTH: Did anyone see you come home that night? MRS. MILNER: Why is that important? BOOTH: I think you know why it's important, Mrs. Milner. MRS. MILNER: Agent Booth? If I had killed my husband, then I wouldn't need a divorce lawyer, would I? BOOTH: No. But you would need an alibi. ACT II [INT. FBI BUILDING - BOOTH:'S OFFICE - DAY. Booth and Brennan are discussing the interview with Mrs. Milner. Brennan is playing with a wooden bat Booth has in his office.] BOOTH: So you don't think she did it, hm? BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: (Indicating the bat) You wanna put that down? Why, because of the whole lawyer alibi thing? BRENNAN: No, because of the feet cut off thing. It was ritualistic. The killer knew about horses. [Booth and Brennan leave Booth's office, walking into and through the bullpen of the department.] BOOTH: Or maybe she started cutting him into little bits to scatter across the countryside and it was too much work for her, or maybe it made her sick, or he wouldn't fit in the trunk. BRENNAN: Booth. We are immersed in a culture here. BOOTH: Pony play is a culture. BRENNAN: Anthropologically speaking. And not just because of the feet: Ed's hands were tied together, historically ranchers bound the front two legs of horses to prevent them from straying. Not to mention all the other equine attributes associated with this case. Yes! This is a culture, and we need to investigate accordingly. [Booth and Brennan arrive at the elevator, both reach to press the button at the same time.] BRENNAN: Do you still think she did it? BOOTH: Naw, not now. BRENNAN: We need to find the mystery caller. [The elevator arrives, they enter it] BRENNAN: If he had a reason to contact Ed's wife, he had a motive to murder him. BOOTH: Right. So what, back to the Ambassadora? BRENNAN: Giddyup. BOOTH: Yeah, uh, don't- don't say that. [The elevator doors close.] [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY. Hodgins observes while DR. ZACK ADDY coats Ed Milner's skull with a foamy substance called Microsil.] ZACK: There were radiating fractures along the edges of the wound, which suggest the tip of the blade was blunt. [Hodgins reaches for the tube of Microsil.] ZACK: I'm trying to determine the type of weapon. HODGINS: Fill the negative space with Microsil, thus determine the approximate shape of the blade's tip. ZACK: Yes. HODGINS: You know, this guy got his rocks off pretending to be a horse? (Snickers) ZACK: Yes. HODGINS: (Thoughtfully) I've never tried that. ZACK: I pretended to be a horse a lot as a child. But there was no sexual component. What melon is in season? HODGINS: Wh- why? ZACK: Once I've ID'd a possible murder weapon we'll want to compare an exemplar to the entry wound. HODGINS: ...Cantaloupe. [Hodgins smacks Zack on the back and walks away.] [CUT TO: EXT. AMBASSADORA BED & BREAKFAST - DAY. Booth and Brennan exit the mansion and find the "riders" running their "horses" through a series of routines.] BOOTH: Okaaay, what is this, sicko rodeo? BRENNAN: Stylised movements, uh, posturing as a kind of sexual signal. BOOTH: Who are these people? BRENNAN: In real life they tend to be very orthodox. You heard what Lucky said, they're lawyers...judges... FBI guys... BOOTH: (Laughing nervously) This is not normal, okay, it's uh... BRENNAN: It's what, Booth? BOOTH:...You're not interested in, uh... BRENNAN: Pony play?! No, but I'm the first to admit that in sexual situations, I have indulged in... role-playing. BOOTH: 'Kay, you know what, it's getting a little warm out here, what do you say we go back- [Lucky approaches from the group of "horses" and "riders".] LUCKY: Hey there! Any uh. Leads? BRENNAN: We're wondering if any of the riders or ponies has an accent. LUCKY: Uh, Thor. [Lucky gestures to CALVIN: "THOR" JOHNSON, who is working with Annie Oakley.] LUCKY: He grew up in England. BRENNAN: With Annie Oakley? LUCKY: Yeah, that's right. BOOTH: You know, I'm gonna need Thor's actual normal human name. LUCKY: CALVIN: Johnson. BOOTH: CALVIN: Johnson, that's great, (To Brennan) Come on. (To Lucky) Thanks. [Booth and Brennan walk away from Lucky, towards Thor.] BRENNAN: We all indulge in role-playing in sexual situations. BOOTH: Oh, not me. Completely normal here. BRENNAN: Booth, any time you look at a woman and make the judgement that she's beautiful, you're objectifying her. Any time I put on lipstick and nice clothes, I'm objectifying myself. It's more subtle than what these people are doing, but otherwise it's the same dynamic. [They come to Annie Oakley and Thor, who is prancing around in a circle like a horse, complete with leather harness, ears, and bridle.] BOOTH: 'Kay, you wearing lipstick, Bones, it's not like this. Uh, CALVIN: Johnson. [CALVIN: completely ignores Booth and continues prancing.] BOOTH: CALVIN:. Johnson. ANNIE OAKLEY: He's wearing a bit gag. [Brennan reaches for the elaborate bit gag] BRENNAN: Could I help you take that off? [CALVIN: starts whinnying loudly, Brennan steps back.] ANNIE OAKLEY: Not until I say so. BOOTH: Well, we either talk to him here, or we all go downtown and he misses a whole day of horsin' around. BRENNAN: How do you release him from his pony persona, is there a word? Motion? [Annie Oakley taps Thor twice on the forehead, he immediately straightens up and ceases to behave like a horse.] BOOTH: Oh, just tap him on the forehead. [Annie Oakley gives Booth a dirty look, CALVIN removes his bit gag.] CALVIN: So, what's up then? [CUT TO: EXT. AMBASSADORA BED & BREAKFAST - DAY. Booth and Brennan are now in a more secluded area of the mansion grounds, interviewing CALVIN: as they walk along.] CALVIN: Hardly even knew Ed. Never even spoke to the guy. BOOTH: Oh, well then why'd you call his wife? CALVIN: I'm fairly certain you can't prove that was me. BRENNAN: She recorded the call, we could do voice analysis. BOOTH: Yeah, you know what, and if you lie we'll charge you with obstruction of justice. BRENNAN: And public display of sexual paraphernalia. CALVIN: Okay then, yes. I called her, so what? BOOTH: Why'd you call her, CALVIN:? CALVIN: Swap recipes. BRENNAN: He did it so he could have Annie Oakley as his groom. CALVIN: Oh, come on, ratting on a guy to his wife is hardly a federal crime, is it? BOOTH: How'd you get his home number? CALVIN: It was under 'home' on his cell phone. Ed Milner's an idiot. BRENNAN: Was an idiot. BOOTH: Now he's a murder victim, so what happened there, Thor? Ed's wife showed up, but to your chagrin she left without him, so you did what you had to do in order to get your groom back. CALVIN: Annie's one hell of a jockey. But she's not worth killing for. I did not kill Mr. Ed. I may enjoy being dominated by the ladies from time to time, that doesn't make me crazy. BOOTH: Might wanna take a look in the mirror there, My Friend Flicka. [CALVIN:, annoyed, turns to leave. Booth grabs onto his reins and pulls him back to face him.] BOOTH: Whoa. Oh, no. CALVIN: I went to Stanford Law. Clerked for a federal judge. Might want to rethink your actions there, Agent Booth. [Booth stares at CALVIN: a moment, then releases his reins.] CALVIN: Thank you. [Exit CALVIN:.] BOOTH: Yeah, he's got motive. BRENNAN: He knows about horses. BOOTH: What was with all the lying? We've got voice tape, and public display of sexual paraphernalia... BRENNAN: It was role-playing! I was being all 'lard-ass and good cop.' BOOTH: Hard-ass and bad cop, Bones. Hard-ass and bad cop. [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - ANGELA'S OFFICE - DAY. Hodgins enters, carrying a cantaloupe in each hand. Angela has several boxes in front of her, and is shaking a notebook emphatically.] HODGINS: ...What's goin' on? ANGELA: You first. HODGINS: Cantaloupes. Zack and I need 'em for an experiment. ANGELA: Of course you do. I talked to Dr. Jasper, that hypnotist. HODGINS: Yeah? ANGELA: She asked me to bring in photos. But all I could find are these. [Angela holds up a cubist-style painting and a photograph of several men and boys on a staircase.] HODGINS: Yeah, I'm not sure those'll be any help. ANGELA: Which is why I'm looking for the wedding photo. HODGINS: You were married on the beach at dawn in the middle of nowhere. ANGELA: Well, when I got off the phone with Dr. Jasper, I remembered that somebody snapped a Polaroid of me right after I said "I do." And I stuck it in a book as a bookmark, but I, I can't find it. You know, I really hate going through the story of marrying a guy. I didn't even know his name. People are looking at me like I'm nuts. HODGINS: You are. ANGELA: (Sarcastically) Thanks a lot. HODGINS: Come on, Angie, embrace the irony. It's what makes you you. You married him, then you're gonna marry me. None of it makes any sense. ANGELA: I'm supposed to take advice from a guy who's walking around with honeydew melons? HODGINS: Cantaloupes. It's a common mistake, and hey! You need to relax. You want me there when you go under? I can hold your hand or something... ANGELA: (Annoyed) I'm not going under. I'm being hypnotised. HODGINS: Oh-kaaay... [Hodgins clears his throat, raises his cantaloupes in the air, and begins to back out of Angela's office] HODGINS: This is me, walking away with my melons so you can relax. I love you. Psycho. [Exit Hodgins, grinning.] [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY. Zack is removing the now-dry Microsil from the fracture on Ed Milner's skull. Hodgins enters, still carrying the cantaloupes.] HODGINS: Ta-da! ZACK: The weapon was blunt, an inch wide, and curved. HODGINS: That's unusual ZACK: Not if you're a horse. HODGINS: Um, I'm not a horse. ZACK: But the victim was. At least, he pretended to be one. [Zack holds up a knife.] HODGINS: What is that? ZACK: A hoof knife. They're curved to conform with the natural shape of a horse's foot. Could I have one of those honeydews? HODGINS: It's a cantaloupe. [Hodgins hands a cantaloupe to Zack, trading him for the knife.] ZACK: My research shows that horses are slaughtered by a single blow to the forehead. HODGINS: Alright, now I'm thinking that we should place the melons at exactly five foot eleven, which was the victim's height. And then we should devise a plan to pull the cantaloupe away, because he most likely saw the knife coming- [Zack, ignoring Hodgins, stabs the knife into the cantaloupe.] HODGINS: ...Okay. Fine. [He stabs the knife into the other cantaloupe.] HODGINS: You know, we used to think things through together. ZACK: I... I apologise. It's possible that my time in Iraq transformed me into a man of action. I'll watch out for that. [Hodgins compares the marks on the cantaloupes to the fracture in the victim's skull.] HODGINS: Looks like we found the right weapon. ZACK: Mr. Ed wasn't just playing like a horse, and having s*x like a horse... HODGINS: He was slaughtered like one, too. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT III [INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - MAIN PLATFORM - DAY. Hodgins is explaining his theory of the murder to Cam.] HODGINS: Alright now, the victim's hands were tied together like this- [Hodgins demonstrates by tying twine around Cam's outstretched wrists] HODGINS: -With baler's twine. CAM: Bales of hay baler's twine? HODGINS: Yep. It's embedded with a UV protected filament that prolongs the life of the twine in sunlight. The technology is patented, and they sell directly to the consumer. They had only two hundred and twenty eight sales last year. CAM: Booth can get a warrant to identify all the pony players and cross reference. HODGINS: I'm on it. [Hodgins turns and quickly walks away, leaving Cam standing with her wrists still bound.] CAM: Hodgins? Hodgins! [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - ANGELA:'S OFFICE - DAY. Angela has her eyes closed, and appears to be meditating. She hears a sound, but keeps her eyes closed.] ANGELA: Is somebody there? Hodgins? [Brennan has entered her office, and responds.] BRENNAN: Why don't you just open your eyes? ANGELA: Ah. Sweetie. It'll break the spell. BRENNAN: What spell? Are you still hypnotised? [Angela finally opens her eyes, and gives a disappointed sigh.] ANGELA: No. It never took. BRENNAN: Why? [Angela stands up and sits in a chair across from Brennan] ANGELA: Cause that doctor said that I wasn't relaxed enough. I mean, can you believe that? I mean, how would she know if I'm relaxed or not? BRENNAN: ...You're twisting your bracelet, your voice is half an octave higher than usual, and you smell like nervous sweats. ANGELA: Oh, don't say that... Really? I'm going back there at six. She says that if my pulse rate is still above sixty, that she's gonna push me off 'til next week. BRENNAN: Rapid pulse rate, high blood pressure, they're indicators of emotional distress. ANGELA: What, you think I don't want to be hypnotised? BRENNAN: ...I simply made a factual observation. ANGELA: Ah. You think I'm afraid of disturbing old memories. You think that somehow I- I like this idea of Berimbau as some sort of untouchable fantasy figure. Hmm? That somehow finding his real name will just bring him down to Earth and make this whole... meshugaas banal and uninteresting. BRENNAN: (confused) I don't...know...what 'meshugaas' means. I'm not sure I know what any of that meant... Why do I feel like I need to apologise for something? ANGELA: I'll be ready next time. Okay? You'll see. Could you excuse me? Sweetie? [Brennan gets up to leave] ANGELA: Hey! Shut that door behind you. [Brennan, confused and irritated, leaves. Angela checks her watch and continues to look unsettled.] [CUT TO: INT. FBI BUILDING - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY. Booth is in the midst of interrogating Lucky. He is showing Lucky the baling twine.] BOOTH: You recognise that? LUCKY: Yeah. That'd be twine. BOOTH: Yeah. Fairly specialised stuff, huh? Doesn't deteriorate in the sun... only the best for your pony clients. LUCKY: Get it off one of my hay bales? BOOTH: Got it off the corpse of Ed Milner. LUCKY: Do I need a lawyer? BOOTH: That's your call. LUCKY: I didn't kill Ed. BOOTH: We traced the owner of that twine to the Ambassadora Ranch. LUCKY: Any of my guests could have taken this twine off my hay bales. BOOTH: Your company used to be co-owned by your ex-wife 'til recently? LUCKY: I paid her off in the divorce. BOOTH: Yeah, your ex-wife being Anne Marie Ostenback? Rider named Annie Oakley? Ed Milner's s*x partner, you can see how things are starting to line up against you here, Lucky. LUCKY: We aren't married anymore. BOOTH: You're gonna tell me that it doesn't bother you to see your ex-wife playing s*x games with other men? [Lucky is silent. Booth picks up a page of paper and shows it to Lucky.] LUCKY: What's that? BOOTH: It's a warrant. LUCKY: I already told you, I've got that twine all over the ranch. BOOTH: We'll be looking for a hoof knife. LUCKY: I've got a hoof knife. BOOTH: Great! LUCKY: But it was stolen. Four days ago, from my truck. BOOTH: Did you report the theft? LUCKY: Come on, like the cops are gonna care about a ten dollar knife? Think I know who did it, though. BOOTH: I'm listening. LUCKY: I have a rider client. Named Tom Mularz. Couple days ago he starts passing out fliers advocating the consumption of horse meat. But, what do you expect? He's a butcher. BOOTH: Why'd he break in your truck? LUCKY: Well, I took the fliers from him, I tossed them in the truck, and I kicked him out of the convention. BOOTH: So he took back the fliers and the hoof knife. LUCKY: I dunno. All I know is I came out the next morning, the fliers were gone, so was the knife. (startled) That is the same morning that Ed Milner was missing! BOOTH: (Sarcastic) Wow... you just figured that out. [Booth shakes his head patronisingly.] [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY. Zack is examining Ed Milner's foot bones when Hodgins enters.] HODGINS: Aww, I found something very interesting! ZACK: The victim's feet were severed from the body with remarkable skill. HODGINS: Excellent insight, Zack. But the polite response is, 'Really, Hodgins! What did you find?' ZACK: There's a sharp-force disarticulation from the distal tibia and fibula, passing cleanly above the talus. HODGINS: No I wasn't asking you, I was telling you you should ask me. ZACK: Really Hodgins, what did you find? HODGINS: The feet? Were severed with the hoof knife. ZACK: I know. HODGINS: Because I told you. ZACK: No, because I examined the cuts under the confocal laser scanning microscope. How did you find out? HODGINS: (Irritated) Traces of steel left on the skull matched traces of steel left on the feet. ZACK: Same weapon. HODGINS: (Highly agitated) Same weapon. You suck all the fun out of every moment of personal triumph! [Zack looks confused. Hodgins scoffs with disgust and storms out.] [CUT TO: INT. BUTCHER SHOP - DAY. Booth and Brennan enter the small butcher shop to find it unattended.] BRENNAN: (Sniffing) I hate the smell of a butcher shop. BOOTH: Oh what, maggots and rotting faces and burst guts don't bother you, but the smell of a butcher shop does? BRENNAN: It's a very small step between selling dead meat and making meat dead. I'm considering becoming a vegetarian. [Booth reaches for the service bell on the meat counter, Brennan rings it before he can.] BOOTH: Not me. BRENNAN: Yeah, that's why I said 'I', not 'we'. Zack said that the killer was adept at cutting through bone. BOOTH: Like a butcher. [Once again Booth reaches for the bell but Brennan gets there first. Brennan notices a case of pamphlets on the counter and picks one up.] BRENNAN: (Reading) 'Horse meat. Sweet, rich, lean, and soft.' [TOM MULARZ approaches from a back room, wearing a blood-splattered apron.] TOM: Can I help you? BOOTH: Yeah, we're looking to score some horse meat. TOM: Unfortunately right now there's only two slaughterhouses in the U.S. and they don't export to Virginia. BOOTH: Oh, that's a shame. You Tom Mularz? TOM: ...Why? [Booth pulls out his badge to show to Tom.] BOOTH: I'm Special Agent Seeley Booth, this- [Tom suddenly turns around and bolts for the back door. Booth and Brennan begin to follow him.] BOOTH: (To Brennan) Go around, cut him off. [Booth chases Tom out the back door, Brennan runs around the building and cuts him off, effectively trapping him in the back alley.] BRENNAN: Stop! Or I'll...kick you in the testicles! [Tom tries to evade Brennan, Booth grabs him and slams him against the wall, he falls down in a heap.] BRENNAN: Woah! You are strong! BOOTH: Well, you know, I try to stay in shape. (Incredulous) 'Stop, or I'll kick you in the testicles'? BRENNAN: (Shrugs) Worked. BOOTH: Tell you what, you and me? We're gonna work on the cop talk. [Booth leans down to handcuff Tom.] ACT IV [INT. FBI BUILDING - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY. Booth and Brennan are in the process of interrogating Tom, who now has a large bruise on his forehead.] TOM: What'd you hit me with? BRENNAN: A building. BOOTH: You know what, I've been thinking about the psychology of all this- [Brennan sighs and stands up, annoyed.] BOOTH: (To Brennan) Alright, you know, I know that you hate that, but just go with me here. Okay? Tom is a BRENNAN: I could see that. Symbolically. TOM: (Confused) Who's Ed Milner? BOOTH: Mr. Ed ring a bell? TOM: He's dead? BOOTH: Yeah. TOM: Oh, man. He was a good pony. BOOTH: Okay! BRENNAN: Did you ride Mr. Ed? TOM: (Stuttering) No! N- no, I'm a rider... But I- I prefer female horses! I just- I just admired his- his style... Why'd you throw me into a wall? BOOTH: Why'd you run? TOM: Well, you're F.B.I. BOOTH: Well, I need a little bit more than that. TOM: (Resigned) I'm a deserter. They send the F.B.I. after deserters. BOOTH: Deserter from what? TOM: The National Guard. I signed up to save people from floods and earthquakes and stuff, but... not to kill. BRENNAN: We found your fingerprints on Lucky's truck. TOM: Well, I broke into it to get my fliers back. They're mine! BRENNAN: Your horse meat fliers. TOM: Why can't they see? That if we revere horses sexually, then eating their flesh is an act of holy communion! [Booth and Brennan both make horrified faces.] BOOTH: You know what, there's crazy pony players? And there's really whacked out crazy pony players. BRENNAN: Yeah. BOOTH: What'd you do after you got your fliers back? TOM: I drove straight to my folks' in Jersey. BRENNAN: When did you get there? TOM: Before midnight. They can vouch for me! And uh, plus I got credit card receipts from gas. BOOTH: You deserted the National Guard. TOM: I'm not a killer. BRENNAN: You're a butcher! TOM: Well, not a people butcher! I'm innocent! [Booth and Brennan share a look.] [CUT TO: INT. - DR. JASPER:'S OFFICE - DAY. Angela is sitting on the couch in the office of her hypnotherapist, DR. JASPER:, who is in the process of taking Angela's pulse.] ANGELA: How am I doing? Because the pressure of having to have a low pulse could be driving my pulse up, and I in no way want to be penalised for that. DR. JASPER: Fifty-eight beats per minute. Very nice, Angela. ANGELA: I did some deep breathing. You're not gonna make me cluck like a chicken, are you? (From Dr. Jasper's confused look) Sorry. [Angela lies back on the couch.] ANGELA: Bombs away! DR. JASPER: Let's begin. Angela? Close your eyes. [Angela closes her eyes.] DR. JASPER: Take a deep, cleansing breath in... And... out. Very good. Take in another breath... (Dr. Jasper breathes in deeply) And, out. [Dr. Jasper's voice begins to sound echoed and distanced as Angela begins to slip into a hypnotic trance.] DR. JASPER: Focus on your arms. They're very heavy. Imagine them sinking into your chair. [Angela continues to drift off.] [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - MAIN PLATFORM - DAY. Brennan is examining some x-rays on a computer screen when Cam approaches.] CAM: Got your page, what's up? BRENNAN: When you washed the maggots from the eye sockets, were there any remaining ocular tissue at all? CAM: No. Little buggers ate the eyes clean through to the bone. BRENNAN: I have an alternate explanation. CAM: For the eyes missing? [Brennan nods and gestures to the skull x-ray she has been examining.] BRENNAN: Check out the tiny nicks around the supraorbital process, the lachrymal bone... Sphenoid... CAM: You think the killer gouged out the eyeballs? BRENNAN: I think 'gouged' is a good description- using some kind of curved instrument. CAM: Probably the hoof knife. The murderer cutting off the feet, gouging out the eyes, this... was a bloody violent killing. BRENNAN: Killers are often driven by fury. CAM: No, Dr. Brennan, the feet weren't lopped off, they were removed carefully, the eyes were gouged out- this was done by someone who was not squeamish about flesh. BRENNAN: The butcher's alibi checked out. CAM: Booth said some of those pony people were lawyers, judges... and doctors. BRENNAN: You think a doctor did this? CAM: Someone who's good with a knife and not afraid of blood? Sounds like a doctor to me. BRENNAN: Annie Oakley is a doctor, and she was the victim's groom. But, she wasn't the only doctor at the convention. CAM: I found evidence of sperm in Ed Milner's urogenital tract. BRENNAN: Why is that relevant? CAM: Annie Oakley claims that she rubbed down her pony and then went to sleep. BRENNAN: You think she had one last romp with the decedent? CAM: Well, if she lied about that... What else is she lying about? [CUT TO: INT. - DR. JASPER:'S OFFICE - DAY. Angela is still in the progress of being hypnotised. The echo effect on Dr. Jasper's voice is still present.] DR. JASPER: Very good. We're ready now. To begin the journey. If you can hear me, Angela, nod your head. [Angela nods her head.] Very good. You're on the island of Vatulolo in Fiji, in the village of Nakavala. [Fade to Angela's hypnotic vision, in which she is standing on the Rialto Bridge in Italy, and appears as if in an impressionistic painting.] ANGELA: (V/O) I'm pretty sure I'm on the Rialto Bridge in Venice. DR. JASPER: (V/O) No. You're on the beach. In Fiji. [The image changes to a Fijian beach at sunset. It remains in the style of an impressionist painting, and now has a ripple effect.] DR. JASPER: (V/O, CONT'D) In front of you is a red door. [The image cuts back to Angela on the couch.] ANGELA: No. There's not. DR. JASPER: (Frustrated) I need for you not to fight me, Angela. [The image cuts back to Angela's beach vision. A red door now appears.] DR. JASPER: (V/O, CONT'D) Do you see the door? ANGELA: (V/O) I see the door. DR. JASPER: (V/O) When you pull the door open, your husband will be standing in front of you. [The vision version of Angela approaches the red door.] DR. JASPER: (V/O, CONT'D) When you see him, you will greet him by his proper name. ANGELA: (V/O) I'm going to pull it open. DR. JASPER: (V/O) Pull the knob. [Vision Angela pulls the door open. A large wasp flies at her, and she screams. The image turns back to Angela sitting on the couch, still screaming.] DR. JASPER: Angela, I'm going to count to three. And when I reach three you're going to open up your eyes, you're going to feel relaxed, and refreshed. You're going to remember everything but you're not going to be scared. One... Two... Three. [Angela opens her eyes and looks uncomfortable.] ANGELA: Did it work? DR. JASPER: Angela. You need to tell me your husband's name. ANGELA: (Sighing) I opened the door... and I saw a wasp. DR. JASPER: A White Anglo-Saxon Protestant? ANGELA: No, a-a-a- big, flying, stinging insect. DR. JASPER: Buzzing around your husband's head? ANGELA: No, it- no, it was the size of a human being! And it was a very large human being. DR. JASPER: I see. What does that mean to you? ANGELA: Nothing. DR. JASPER: It must. ANGELA: I'm sorry. I have no idea. DR. JASPER: Well you're not what I would call a... compliant personality. ANGELA: This is my fault? DR. JASPER: Well, perhaps another session will... explore this wasp. [Angela, looking non-plussed, grabs her purse.] ANGELA: Yeah. And next time I'll open the door to- to what? A giant snake? I don't think so, Doc. [Angela gets up and leaves.] [CUT TO: INT. - AMBASSADORA RANCH - STABLE - DAY. Brennan and Booth are executing a search warrant and interviewing Annie Oakley. Lucky follows close behind.] BRENNAN: You're an eye surgeon, Dr. Ostenback. Ed Milner's eyes were cut out of his head. LUCKY: Woah, don't you have to wait 'til I call my lawyer? BRENNAN: Uh, we have the right to execute the warrant. You have the right to call your lawyer. ANNIE OAKLEY: Lucky, Sparkles is a litigation lawyer. BOOTH: Oh, a lawyer named 'Sparkles,' now I'm- I'm shivering [Lucky leaves to call Sparkles the litigation lawyer.] ANNIE OAKLEY: Look. You're making a mistake. I did not kill Ed Milner. BRENNAN: (To Booth) She actually killed her pony, Mr. Ed. ANNIE OAKLEY: Look, I loved Mr. Ed. BRENNAN: But he didn't love you back. I mean, not enough to leave his wife. BOOTH: What happened, Annie, did he talk to you before you slapped him in the forehead and returned him into a human being? ANNIE OAKLEY: You don't know anything. BRENNAN: I'm pretty sure that he told you he was going back to his wife. And you convinced him to engage in one last session of pony play. BOOTH: You took Lucky's truck out to the pasture, you had s*x with him and you- [Booth yanks quickly on a hanging rein, making a slapping sound.] Finished him off. [Brennan locates the hoof knife hanging on the stable wall and picks it up.] BRENNAN: Hiding in plain sight! Thanks for making this part easy. ANNIE OAKLEY: Th- that's a hoof knife. So what? BRENNAN: Your DNA will be on the handle, and Ed Milner's blood on the blade. BOOTH: Mr. Ed's blood. BRENNAN: Your pony misbehaved, so you stabbed him. In the forehead. BOOTH: You cut off his feet, you bound his wrists, but his human eyes were staring back at you, so you gouged them out. ANNIE OAKLEY: I left my husband for him. I left Thor for him... and he was gonna leave me? What was I supposed to do? [Booth and Brennan glance at each other.] [CUT TO: INT. MEDICO-LEGAL LAB - MAIN PLATFORM - EVENING. Angela walks towards Hodgins, who is sitting at his computer.] ANGELA: Hey. HODGINS: So, I uh, I looked up 'wasp' in dream theory. ANGELA: I love dream theory. HODGINS: I know you do. And guess what I found? A wasp signifies anger and envy. (Sarcastically) These are good. Any chance it was a bee? ANGELA: No, Jack. [Angela hands Hodgins the book "The Furies" by Keith Roberts, which features a large wasp on the cover.] HODGINS: A book about nuclear radiation creating a giant wasp. ANGELA: I was reading it in Fiji. I mean, between all the snorkelling and the... HODGINS: Sight-seeing. ANGELA: Let's go with that. HODGINS: What's it mean? ANGELA: Look inside. [Hodgins opens the book to find a Polaroid photo of Angela on the beach at sunset, embracing a large black man.] HODGINS: That's Birembau! ANGELA: Mm-hmm. HODGINS: Well his face is turned, so there's still not much to go on- God, the guy is a giant. ANGELA: Flip the picture. [Hodgins does so to find an inscription, which he reads aloud.] HODGINS: "Angie and Grayson." His name was Grayson! ANGELA: (Nodding) Grayson Barasa. Once I say his first name, the rest of it just flows out. Grayson Barasa. HODGINS: You did it, Angie! You really do want to find him. ANGELA: (Nodding) I really, really do. HODGINS: To divorce him. ANGELA: I want a divorce. And then I want a wedding. [Music starts playing as Angela and Hodgins begin to kiss passionately. Over Angela's shoulder, Hodgins holds up the picture of her and Barasa to look at.] [FADE TO: INT. - ROYAL DINER - NIGHT. Booth and Brennan are seated at their usual booth, eating dinner.] BOOTH: How's that salad? BRENNAN: There are many health benefits to being vegetarian. It's a rational choice in a world where food supplies... are affected by global warming issues. BOOTH: What about global taste issues? BRENNAN: Is that meat sweet, rich, super-lean, and soft? [Booth throws his burger down.] BOOTH: What, does it taste like horse meat? BRENNAN: Maybe you should consider going vegetarian, too. BOOTH: I didn't lose my appetite because you mentioned horse meat, I lost my appetite because you made me think about all those people parading around, pretending to be something they aren't, just so they could have crappy s*x. BRENNAN: How do you know it's crappy? BOOTH: Gotta be, Bones, come on! It's gotta be! BRENNAN: Why?! [Booth leans forward towards Brennan.] BOOTH: Why? I'll tell you why. Here we are. All of us are basically alone, separate creatures just circling each other. All searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places, [Cut to a shot of Zack, in the lab, examining a bone.] BOOTH: (V/O, CONT'D) Some, they just give up hope because in their mind they're thinking 'Oh, there's nobody out there for me.' [Cut to a shot of Cam, applying lipstick in the mirror.] BOOTH: (V/O, CONT'D) But all of us, we keep trying over, and over again. Why? Because every once in a while, [Cut to a shot of the picture of Angela and her husband lying next to the copy of "The Furies"] BOOTH: (V/O, CONT'D) Every once in a while, two people meet. And there's that spark. [Cut to a shot of Hodgins and Angela making out in the lab.] BOOTH: (V/O, CONT'D) And yes Bones, he's handsome. And she's beautiful. And maybe that's all they see at first... [Cut back to Booth and Brennan in the diner.] BOOTH: (CONT'D) But making love? Making. Love. That's when two people become one. BRENNAN: It is... scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space. BOOTH: Yeah, but what's important is we try. And when we do it right, we get close. BRENNAN: To what? Breaking the laws of physics? BOOTH: Yeah, Bones. A miracle. Those people- role-playing and their fetishes and their little s*x games- It's crappy s*x. Well, at least compared to the real thing. BRENNAN: (Considering) You're right. BOOTH: (Defensive) Yeah, but- Wait a second, I just won that argument? BRENNAN: Yup. [Booth and Brennan grin at each other as the scene fades to black.]

Plan: A: a man; Q: What was the gender of the body found in the woods? A: arms; Q: What part of the body was bound? A: the team; Q: Who is called in to investigate the body? A: a pony play retreat; Q: Where did the man stay before he was killed? A: a hoof knife; Q: What was the murder weapon? A: His wife; Q: Who discovered the man at the retreat with another woman? A: another woman; Q: Who did the wife find her husband with? A: Birambau; Q: What is Angela's husband's nickname? A: Hodgins; Q: Who does Angela want to marry? A: the hypnosis; Q: What does Angela attempt to go under? A: Grayson Barasa; Q: What is the name of Angela's husband? Summary: After the decomposed body of a man, whose feet were removed and arms bound, is found in the woods, the team is called in to investigate. The man is discovered to have stayed at a pony play retreat and was killed with a hoof knife. His wife discovered him at the retreat with another woman just before he died, and both become suspects in the case as well as the lover's ex-husband. Meanwhile, Angela attempts to go under hypnosis to find out the name of her husband nicknamed Birambau to divorce him in order to marry Hodgins. Though the hypnosis fails initially it ultimately leads her to the name, Grayson Barasa.

SCENE: Jess' room, trying on dresses whilst Nick and Schmidt are sitting on the bed waiting for her. JESS: It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. Nick is 'Nicknack' or 'Mr. Suspenders'... SCHMIDT: No nicknames, okay, your only job tonight, is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay and make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline. JESS: Why can't you and Winston help? SCHMIDT: We've tried, he doesn't listen to us anymore. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK - Nick sitting on the floor crying about Caroline whilst Schmidt stands in the doorway trying to comfort him. SCHMIDT: She's not coming back. (Nick cries even harder). [SCENE_BREAK] NICK: He's right, I don't. JESS: [Coming out of the closet with a hideous, yellow, floral dress] Tah dah! SCHMIDT: No! NICK: [Eyes wide] That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess. SCHMIDT: I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay, when I see you I wanna be thinking who let the dirty slut out of the sluthouse? Jess: [In an English accent] Probably the slut butler, right? Winston: [Sticking his head around the door] Yo, let's go, we can't be late, I am in the wedding. Nick:You're the usher, so relax. Winston: Yeah I'll be busy, that way I won't have to sit around answering a bunch of stupid questions all day, like, 'Do you have a job', 'Are you still playing basketball?' Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball? Schmidt: What is the matter with you? Winston: This is the first job I've had in like, two months, dude, and I really just want get in there and ush this wedding in the face! Schmidt: You're gonna be great, man. Jess: So when we do the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. I know that usually it goes: Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, [realising she went wrong] duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, mmm mmm mm... But instead of the clap, I like to do a peck, because it's more realistic. [Miming the actions] Nick: No chicken dance! Schmidt: Okay, look, we're not trying to be mean, we just don't want you to be yourself... in any way. Jess: Okay, suppress the Jess. Got it. Schmidt: [To Nick] Did you use my hair gel? Nick: Did I use your hair gel? Schmidt: I'm not gonna be mad, just let me know if you did. Nick: No. Schmidt: Sure? Nick: I used your hair gel. Schmidt: Are you serious? Nick: Yeah. [Jess comes out of the closet in a pretty purple dress] Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the sluthouse? Nick: Wow! You look great! [Reveals prop teeth] Jess: [speaks in a Southern American accent but inaudible] Schmidt: NO! [Walks off] Nick: No teeth, Jess! You can't use prop teeth! [Walks off] Jess: Come on, guys. These are hilarious, kids love these. [SCENE_BREAK] ROLL TITLES - The short version [SCENE_BREAK] [In the foyer to the wedding, Jess, Nick, Winston and Schmidt enter and begin mooching] Jess: Wanna know one of my beauty secrets? The only way I could fit in this dress was by wearing little girls' bicycle shorts underneath, they are tight! I will not be peeing tonight. Oh my god, bubbles.... [heads off towards the bubbles] Nick: [heads after her clutching her arm and guiding her away] No, no, no, no, Jess, no bubbles, no bubbles, please! Schmidt: Hoohoo, a lot of big game here tonight, yoohoohoo. [Sees Brooke] Oh, oh there's Brooke. Jess: Who's Brooke? Nick: He's been into her, since freshman year. She used to get drunk and pass out on our front porch. It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat. Schmidt: I'd always leave water out for her. Okay, tonight just got real. She's go on top of the 'kill list'. Jess: Is that because you're going to attempt to kill her by having s*x with her? Schmidt: More or less, yeah. Jess: Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl. [In the garden, Jess is doing Nick's tie] Jess: Look at my new boyfriend, so fancy in his big-boy tie. Nick: Jess, would you please stop? Jess: Okay, what is it with Caroline, you're like a different person? Nick: Just focus on getting through today, please. Jess: Okay Mr. Boy T Friend. Nick: What did I tell ya? Jess: Huhuh, don't be myself. Nick: Yes. Jess: It's what I love about our relationship, you never let me be myself. [Winston is standing, waiting to do his job] Man: Hey, Winston. Winston: Hey. Man: You're back. Winston: Yeah. Mam: What are you up to? Where you working at? Winston: Here, as an usher. [Turns to a woman who is waiting to be seated] Hi, what a beautiful dress. Jimmy: I'm surprised you noticed the dress, I was distracted by the woman inside. Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher. Winston: Alternate usher, I mean, I'm here. I'm the usher. Jimmy: You were late, it's called commitment. Look it up in a typewriter, old man. Winston: What?! Jimmy: How much money do you make? Winston: Where is your mother? Woman: Can somebody help me? Jimmy and Winston: Hello, bride or groom? Woman: Oh, thank you. [To Jimmy] [Nick, Jess and Schmidt] Schmidt: Oh no, no, not tonight, no! [Looks at someone] Jess: Who is that? Schmidt: It's Gretchen Nelson, she's a terrible person. We can't stand each other, at every wedding we end up having s*x. [SCENE_BREAK] Flashback: Schmidt and Gretchen getting it on in the closet at some wedding with the Bridal March on in the background. Then Schmidt and Gretchen getting it on in a store cupboard at some wedding. End. [SCENE_BREAK] Schmidt: I mean, the s*x was amazing. She's coming over. Nick: Hey, there are those people that we know. Jess: Oooh, what people? [Both walk off and leave Schmidt alone.] Schmidt: [Clears his throat] Hello, Gretchen. I see you wore the pant suit again. Gretchen: This is a new one. It's got way more stretch, in the pants. Schmidt: That's horrible. Gretchen: Are you ready for tonight? I'm gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip. Schmidt: Oh, god, how many are there? Gretchen: It's a two hour slide show. Schmidt: No! Gretchen, we can't do this anymore, okay. It's not...it's not healthy, alright, please, no more. [Sitting in their chairs, Caroline is staring at Nick with Jess] Nick: There she is, there she is, she's right over there. She's right over here. Just be cool. Caroline: [Coming over] Hi. Nick: Hey, Caroline, wow! I didn't know you were gonna be here. It's good to see you. Jess: Nicholas, you have to introduce me. Nick: Uh, yeah, of course, er..Jess this is Caroline. Caroline: Hi. Jess: One more time, Caroline? [with and ee sounding i] Caroline: Uh, Caroline. Jess: Caroloo...Coraline? Nick: Caroline! Jess: Oh, kay, fancy. Well, I'm Nicholas' girlfriend, we just started dating so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep, so much doing it. Nick: So much doing it, it's crazy. Jess: He's so soft, like a towel. Caroline: Well, uh, it was nice to meet you. Jess: It was so nice to meet you too, Carol. Caroline: Caroline. Jess: [Laughs] i give up. Caroline: I guess I'll, see you later. Nick: Sure. [To Jess] Oh my god, was she jealous? I think she was jealous. You did so good. That was remarkable. Jess: [Puts on prop teeth] I'm just doing what ma momma learnt me. Nick: [Holding out his hand] Gimme the teeth. [Jess drops them into his hand] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: At the bar, after the ceremony] Schmidt: Hi, wow, Brooke. Schmidt. You used to worry my poncho, freshman year. Remember that? No? Fat Schmidt? Brooke: Fat Schmidt! Of course! Wow, you look great. Schmidt: You, also, sure, um, how are your classes? I mean...not that we're, not that we're in school anymore, I know that. What...what are you drinking? White wine? Brooke: I'm not drinking. I'm sober, six months. Can I get a saltzer, please? Schmidt: Me too. Brooke: You're six months sober, also? Schmidt: Seven months, one more. Brooke: Wow! That's great! Congratulations. Bartender: Here's your white wine. Schmidt: What? That's a mistake, no I didn't order that. No. No, sir! [Even the smell of it...] Brooke: I'm going back to my table, but you can come talk to me, if you need to. Schmidt: Okay, thank you. [To bartender] So what I need you to do is this, I need you to put vodka in a water bottle, okay, and rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay? Same page, same page? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: In the venue] Jimmy: [Laughs at Winston] Winston: [To Nick] This kid is pushing my buttons. Nick: Winston, he's just a little boy, relax. Schmidt: If Brooke asks, I six months clean and sober, and looking to settle down. Nick: Great. [To Jess] Schmidt's sober. What are you doing? [She is touching his face] Jess: She's looking at us. [Waves at Caroline] Your head is shaped like a yam. Nick: Yeah I know, I can't wear soft hats. Hey, when she comes here I want to talk to her about myself. Jess: No. Caroline: Hi, could that ceremony have lasted any longer? [Laughs at own joke] Jess: Hahaha. We loved it, taking notes, unless Mr. Commitment Phobe over here, decides to make an honest women out of me. Caroline: Oh. Nick:: Hey, Jess. Did you wanna go do that thing, for um...? Jess: Yes, I did. I wanted to do it very badly... [Leaves] Nick: Thank you. DJ: And now, for the first time ever, Mr and Mrs Hammond. [Jess walks right into the doorway where the bride and groom are entering through] Jess: [Looks awkwardly around] Yay! Bride and groom! Make way! Hazaar! Celebrate love! Get ready for a wonderful life of merriment and joy. Caroline: Jess is...great. Nick: Yeah, the best. So happy. Caroline: Are you guys pretty serious? Nick: Yeah, we are pretty serious. Yeah, we live together. I mean different bedrooms but shared bathrooms, so that's something. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Schmidt at the bar] Schmidt: Alcohol, any kind of alcohol you have. Just gimme anything. Thank you. Gretchen: Gimme that. Schmidt: Oh God. It's like you're lapping it out of a puddle. Gretchen: Eugh, where did you get those boots? Off a lady hiker? Schmidt: Look at those earrings. Are they clip ons? Gretchen: [Whispers] I'm gonna make you wear them. Scmhidt:... Huh. No! [Jess is sitting at a table pulling at her shorts] Jess: Is it bad that I can't feel my legs? Schmidt: Yes, now let's talk about my problems. Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. I deserve someone like Brooke, she's perfect and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic mean spirited, highly educational s*x with Gretchen, it's just, that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight. Jess: What's so bad about liking Gretchen, I mean you guys obviously have like a weird connection? Schmidt: No, no, no. I wanna connect with Brooke. I wanna connect with her in the shower, on the floor, sitting Indian style. Jess: Okay, you know what, you can keep talking but I'm gonna put my hands over my ears. Winston: We got a problem. [They look over at Nick and Caroline talking] Schmidt: Jess, what did you do? Jess: Look, they're fine. They're just talking. Schmidt: No, not fine. Winston: No, no, no. With Caroline, he is not fine. Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, then sent me a ten page email about what she meant when she said 'I'll see you soon'. Schmidt: She will flirt with until she knows she can have him. It's like he's her back up plan. Jess: I didn't know that. Schmidt: You wanna live with Nick when he's not showering and crying all day? Winston: Yeah, it sounds like this. [Imitates Nick] Schmidt: You ever heard a grown man sob listening to Simon and Garfunkel? Jess: Yeah, my dad. Schmidt: Yeah. Jess: Okay, I get it, I'll go but I just...these biker shorts are really tight... Schmidt: [Getting her up] Come on, work through it. Jess: Okay, okay. Schmidt: It's all on you, Jess. [Jess starts dancing in front of the table where Nick and Caroline are sat] Jess: Come on in, honey. The water's fine. Nick: Jess, you know I don't dance. Jess: Oh, but you didn't know that I did this. [starts to mime dance] I'm mime walking, I'm Mimechael Jackson. Nick: [Laughs nervously] Caroline: I'm gonna get a drink. Nick: Me too. Jess: Nick, wait, no. Nick: Yes, relax this is good, I may actually have a chance and it's all because of you so thank you. Jess: No Nick, that wasn't my intention. Nick, Nick! [Jimmy comes up and starts dancing with Jess] Oh, hi. I don't feel like dancing right now, I'm sorry. I'm really uncomfortable right now.Oh Winston, thank God. Nick got away! Winston: Nick can wait, this, this is about honesty. [Starts having a dance off with Jimmy] DJ: And, looks like we have a dance off. Winston: What?! [Starts grinding on Jess] Jess: Oh my God, what are you doing?! Jimmy: Mom! Mommy?! Jess: Nick? Nick!? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Later on in the after party, Schmidt approaches Brooke] Schmidt: The chocolate fountain, it reminds me of the one in Tuscany, you ever been? Brooke: Yeah, I was just there for New Year's, where's the chocolate fountain? Schmidt: I don't know, I've never been, I'm just fascinated with the culture. Jess: [From the other side of the room] Schmidt! Schmidt! I need you to help me take these off so I can go find Nick! Brooke: God, are you friends with that girl? Jess: Schmidt?!! Schmidt: Look, I didn't want to have to tell you this but, she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. I was her Sid and she was my Nancy and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it and the poor thing just went, she went crazy. Jess: Schmidt! I need you to help me slap my thighs around! Schmidt: I don't want to scare you, but she can be very dangerous when she drinks. Okay, I shouldn't even be in the same room as her, it's just, it feels so good talking to you. Brooke: Maybe we should get you out of here. Schmidt: What a great idea, ues. Brooke: I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly. Schmidt: Whatever you need, whatever, yeah, of course. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Nick and Caroline are in a photo booth] Nick: Ready, no lips. Name one, name one. Caroline: Do, uh, wind tunnel! Nick: Super high drivers license. Caroline: [Laughs] Can we stay in here all night? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Brooke walks into the restroom and finds Jess in there] Jess: Oh, hi! Schmidt is very fond of you. Brooke: Um, look, I..I don't know...I don't even know him that well, okay? Jess: Oh! I'm just cutting off my underwear, you know, girl stuff. [Rips them off] Ahh. So tight. Well, it's been really nice chatting with you but I've gotta pretend boyfriend to hunt down, I think he's cheating on me [Brandishing a pallette knife] and don't break Schmidt's heart, or you'll have me to deal with. [Laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Nick and Caroline still in the photo booth] Jess: [Pulls back curtain of photo booth] Aha! I trusted you! Nick: Jess, get outta here. Caroline: Nothing happened. Jess: After everything we've built. Nick: Go away, Jess, please. Jess: Who are you? Caroline: No, really, nothing happened. I have a boyfriend. Nick: Wait, you have a boyfriend? Caroline: Yeah, well I've been seeing someone. I didn't want to bring him because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now I know that you have Jess... Jess: Yeah, he has me... and our baby! Caroline: Okay, I'm just gonna let you guys... Jess: And our other baby! Schmidt: [Goes up to Jess] Jess, what happened with Brooke? Jess: What? Schmidt: She just left here in tears because she said that you threatened her with a knife!? Jess: No, I was talking you up. Schmidt: No, you shouldn't have been talking me up, you should've been taking care of Nick. Why is it so hard to do one thing? Jess: How is this my fault? Schmidt: Ruiner. Jess: Uh, did you just call me a ruiner? Schmidt: Yeah. Jess: Okay, you know what, forget it. I'm not helping you guys anymore. Give me my teeth back. [Goes in Nick's jacket] Nick: Stop it, Jess. Jess: You don't appreciate them. Nick: Cool it! Jess: Give them back. I'm gonna have fun, [puts in teeth] cause there's nothing wrong with who I am, and I like having fun at weddings, and I like dancing, and if you don't like that, then tough teeter tots, tooter. Jess is back. [Storms off] Gretchen: [Walks over to Schmidt] Ah, you going home with me aren't you? [Puts the clip on earrings on him] Good boy. [Slaps his ass] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Drunken Nick being filmed for the happy couple] Nick: [Holds up pictures from the photo booth] That's Caroline and that's me. Four years we were together so...it doesn't matter to me, it's just what matter is..respect. [Crying] I'm just so alone right now, man and it's a real bad situation... Camera Man: Uh, Steve and Bree. Nick: Steve and Bree, because that's what this is about, I agree with you, you're good at your job, man. [Turning to the cardboard cut out of Steve and Bree] I'm so happy for you, you look great, it feels a little bit like you're rubbing it in my face, you know, happiness, but let's be honest, Bree, this doesn't look great on you. [Gestures to the dress] This. That's not a great look, Bree! Congratulations, Steve, nice fedora and no open bar, Steve, don't you understand that's tacky! You're dad's rich, you're a lawyer, man. [Kicks over cardboard cut out] Yeah! That happened! [Goes over to the photo booth] The photo booth is a liar, fyi. [Opens curtain] Oh, hey ladies, you guys wanna see a grown man cry? No? Then get out! I think I saw a single doctor looking at you. [To one of the women] This is gonna take a while, Orange. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Jess. sitting at a table, blowing bubbles] Jess: Hi there, partner. Winston: [Sits down and put his feet up like Jess] Hey, can I tell you something you promise to never tell Schmidt? I love bubbles! [Laughs] I don't know why, I just always have. [Takes the bubbles and blows some, laughs again] You see that, that was like two in one. Jess: Woah. Winston: Are you okay? Jess: Yeah, I'm fine. Winston: Those guys were jerks, but I know that they're glad you're around. Jess: Really? Winston: Yeahh, I'm just gonna come out and say it, especially Nick, but they're all thinking it. Even me. Most of the time. Jess: [Smiles] It was weird, when I was stuck in a freak sandwich between you and that eight year old. Do you wanna talk about that? Winston: [Sniggers] You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying, so.. I kinda took my feelings out with dance...? [Jess laughs] Schmidt: Okay, er, so, we have a situation. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: [Nick drunkenly talking in the photo booth to himself] Winston: Hey, Nick. Nick: It's mine now. Winston: How're you doing, buddy? Nick: They want me to leave the booth...but I'm staying. This is my home now. It's got everything that I need. Schmidt: [Showing the pictures to Jess] You can see by looking at these pictures, that he's experiencing a variety of different emotions. This one is... well that's actually his butt. He just keeps saying, Jess. Nick: Jess! The fact is, is I was a mean person and I'm sorry, okay? Jess: [Pokes her head into the booth] Hi, Nicholas. Nick: Hey, Jess. I live in a photo booth, now. Jess: Oh, is that so? Nick: Yup. Come on in, come on in. That's the kitchen area. Jess: Very nice. Nick: This is the common area. Jess: Oh, okay. Nick: Dining room, living room, kind of everything. Jess: It's very nice. Hey...she had a boyfriend... Nick: Yeah. Jess: She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night. You can't be her back up plan. You have to let each other go. So now, you have to make a decision. Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off and dance my face off. [Laughs] Come on, it's up to you. [Leaves] Nick: Oh, man, all right. [Pats the wall] I love you photo booth. [Leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Winston walks into the main room, and looks over at Nick and Caroline talking] Winston: [Walks over to the table where Jess and Schmidt are] Yo, look at him. He looks better. [Nick and Caroline] Nick: I can't do this anymore. I have to let you go, Caroline, for real. It has to be over. Caroline: [Sighs] Um... [Hugs him] Nick: Goodbye, good luck and everything. Caroline: Good bye. Nick: Alright, um, I've gotta, excuse me. [Walks over to Jess, just as a song comes on] Come on, Jess. Jess: What? Nick: Just please? Just come with me, right now. [She gets up and they walk onto the dancefloor and face each other] [Nick starts doing a slow motion chicken dance to the music] Jess: [Laughs and joins in] Schmidt: You know, that looks like so much fun. [Gets up and joins in] Winston: [Laughs and joins in too] Schmidt: Check out my beats. Winston: Stop copying my beats. [SCENE_BREAK] [Credit Scene: Schmidt tied to Gretchen's bed] Schmidt: Gretchen, you think that like, hooking up at all these weddings...I mean one of these times, we go on an actual date. Gretchen: No! I'm just using you for your body. Schmidt: Oh, okay, cool. How many more of these things? Gretchen: We're just getting started. Schmidt: That yellow helmet is... ugh. Gretchen: Tonight, I'm gonna get certified on the River Schmidt.

Plan: A: Nick; Q: Who is worried about running into his ex-girlfriend? A: Mary Elizabeth Ellis; Q: Who plays Caroline? A: a mutual friend's wedding; Q: What event are the guys invited to? A: his date; Q: What does Nick ask Jess to be? A: Winston; Q: Who takes his job as usher too seriously? A: Brooke; Q: Who does Schmidt try to woo? A: a former crush; Q: Who is Brooke to Schmidt? A: his sexually abusive " frenemy; Q: What is Gretchen to Schmidt? A: " Gretchen; Q: Who does Schmidt go to bed with? A: Natasha Lyonne; Q: Who plays Gretchen? Summary: Nick is worried that he will run into Caroline ( Mary Elizabeth Ellis ), his ex-girlfriend, at a mutual friend's wedding the guys are invited to. He asks Jess to be his date and pretend to be his girlfriend. At the wedding, Winston takes his job as usher far too seriously. Schmidt attempts to woo Brooke ( Katie Cassidy ), a former crush . He also catches the eye of his sexually abusive " frenemy ," Gretchen ( Natasha Lyonne ) - whom he goes to bed with.

PLANET OF EVIL BY: LOUIS MARKS Part One Running time: 24:02 [SCENE_BREAK] BALDWIN: Yep? [SCENE_BREAK] BRAUN: Base checking. You all right out there? BALDWIN (OOV.): All quiet. [SCENE_BREAK] BRAUN (OOV.): Where are you? BALDWIN: Sector five. We've hit a rich load. [SCENE_BREAK] BRAUN: Sector five? Listen, I just took a sun shot. You have fifteen degrees to full night. You'd better get out of there fast. [SCENE_BREAK] BALDWIN: Right. Professor, that was Braun. We've got to leave. SORENSON: What? BALDWIN: It's fifteen degrees to night. SORENSON: Just look at this, Baldwin. It's showing more than seventy pure. BALDWIN: We'll never make base from here, sir, if we don't leave now. SORENSON: The last time we hit a vein as rich as this, you know what happened? BALDWIN: Yes. Lorenzo died. He was the first. That's when it all seemed to start. SORENSON: We lost it. The vein vanished. This damned planet took it back. It's alive, you know, Baldwin. It watches every move we make. I won't be beaten again. Load the canisters. BALDWIN: Professor, please. There isn't time now. We can return tomorrow. SORENSON: It'll be gone by tomorrow. Don't you see, man? It knows. It senses what we're trying to do. BALDWIN: I'm not trekking back through that jungle in the dark. If you don't come now, I shall have to leave you. SORENSON: Well, then, leave. Leave. [SCENE_BREAK] BALDWIN: Braun? Braun? [SCENE_BREAK] BALDWIN: Sorenson wouldn't come. He. Braun? Where are you? [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: How long have we been travelling? DOCTOR: Hmm? What did you say? SARAH: You promised me we'd be back in London five minutes before leaving Loch Ness. DOCTOR: Did I? SARAH: Oh, you're trying to wriggle out of it. DOCTOR: Wriggle out of what? SARAH: Your promise. DOCTOR: Listen, we're on the edge of a time-space vortex and you're talking in minutes. SARAH: Oh, I see. What's gone wrong this time? DOCTOR: Nothing. Nothing at all. What makes you think something's gone wrong? SARAH: Because you always get rude when you're trying to cover up a mistake. DOCTOR: Nothing of consequence. Slight overshoot, easily rectified. SARAH: Come on, where are we? DOCTOR: We've come out of the time vortex at the wrong point, that's all. A few years too late. SARAH: How many? DOCTOR: Thirty thousand. SARAH: That's a distress call. DOCTOR: Someone's in trouble. SARAH: Where? DOCTOR: Who knows? Stand by for emergency materialisation. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Which way? DOCTOR: This way. SARAH: You don't know where we are. DOCTOR: Oh, with any luck, we're near enough to reach wherever it is. SARAH: That is not what I meant. DOCTOR: Before whatever it was that made them transmit the call overwhelms them. That is, if we're not too late already. SARAH: I mean, what planet? DOCTOR: Oh, it's a weak signal. Allowing for the fact of interference from the time warp, could you move any faster? SARAH: I'm doing the best I can. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: There it is, Zeta Minor. The last planet of the known universe. SALAMAR: Crew deck, orbital entry imminent. Ponti and de Haan to command area. Ponti and de Haan to command area. Vishinsky, you'll lead the landing party. VISHINSKY: Without Ponti? SALAMAR: You are the most experienced officer. VISHINSKY: You are going to scan first? SALAMAR: No. VISHINSKY: It's advised procedure before physical landing on any ex-planet. SALAMAR: Technically, Zeta Minor is not an ex-planet. Professor Sorenson's party's been on the surface for months. VISHINSKY: They might have been dead for months. They've not reported. SALAMAR: Vishinsky, you know our fuel position. We've enough for the return journey and an emergency reserve. I cannot waste that on a low level scan. VISHINSKY: It's your decision, Controller. I'll get equipped for descent. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Sarah? You all right? What's the matter? SARAH: I don't know. Just suddenly felt so odd, as though my mind left my body. DOCTOR: Are you all right now? SARAH: Yes. DOCTOR: You look all right. SARAH: Yeah. What's that you've found? DOCTOR: Hand tool of some kind. SARAH: So the people who sent that signal must be humanoid. Well, if they've got hands? [SCENE_BREAK] SALAMAR: The descent chamber's ready, Ponti. PONTI: (Jamaican) Yes, Controller. SALAMAR: The probe will remain in free orbit in case emergency escape procedures are needed. From the time you land, maintain permanent audio contact. DE HAAN: Understood, Controller. SALAMAR: The descent area is the one selected for Sorenson, so you should have no difficulty locating the base. VISHINSKY: Unless something gets in our way. SALAMAR: You're equipped and trained to deal with all normal contingencies. The prime purpose of this mission is to locate Professor Sorenson's expedition. If hostile forces are found to be operating on Zeta Minor, we've the capacity to eliminate them. SALAMAR: Right, we're in orbit. Prepare for descent. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Looks like we're too late. DOCTOR: Several months too late, by the look of him. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Anyone about? No one about. SARAH: Can't we have some lights? DOCTOR: Probably the power's run down. SARAH: That would account for the weak signal. DOCTOR: Yes. Ah. SARAH: What? DOCTOR: Automatic distress button. It all adds up. May have been running for months. High capacity power cell dependant for sunlight on charging. SARAH: So we're still in the solar system. DOCTOR: We're still in a solar system, but what particular star provides the light and energy? Wherever we are, we're a long way out. SARAH: I wonder what happened here? DOCTOR: Hmm? Well, this is clearly the base for some kind of scientific expedition, possibly geological. Something went wrong and they sent out a distress signal. SARAH: And died before help arrived. DOCTOR: Yes, something like that. A lost expedition. SARAH: So, what are we going to do? DOCTOR: So, let's go back to the TARDIS and fetch my spectromixer, and I'll fix our position by that star. Then I'll repair this power cell and try and make contact. SARAH: Well, you can get on with that now. I'll fetch the spectromixer. DOCTOR: Good idea. Would you do that? SARAH: Why not? I know the way. DOCTOR: Good thinking. What are you waiting for? SARAH: The key. DOCTOR: Oh. SARAH: Right. See you. DOCTOR: Sarah. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: Don't touch. Keep back. It may be a trap. Landing party to probe. [SCENE_BREAK] SALAMAR: Understood. You've acted correctly. Do not attempt entry. VISHINSKY (OOV.): Shall we apply disintegrators? SALAMAR: On no account. It'll yield essential information on hostile forces. Your orders are, transpose object to probe. Out. Prepare the quarantine berth. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: All right, stand clear. VISHINSKY: Movement. Over there. Approach and identify yourself. VISHINSKY: Professor Sorenson! SORENSON: I've been observing you for some time. One has to be careful on this planet. Appearances can be deceptive. VISHINSKY: You all right, Professor? SORENSON: Oh, yes. It's nearly dawn. The days are quite safe. VISHINSKY: But how are you? Galactic Mission Control received no word from you. They sent us to investigate. SORENSON: I'm well. I'm more than well. My theory about Zeta Minor has proved to be true. Only last night I made the vital discovery in Sector five. VISHINSKY: Where are the others? SORENSON: Baldwin returned to the base last night. He was suffering from, from fatigue. He'll be fine now. Come, I'll show you the way. VISHINSKY: There were eight in your expedition. SORENSON: Yes, we've had difficulties. Conditions are hard. We've lost some, but the important thing is the mission has been a success. We found what we came to find. VISHINSKY: How many have you lost? SORENSON: He'll be fine now. It's just tiredness. He needs a good rest. It's not far. [SCENE_BREAK] SORENSON: Baldwin? DOCTOR: He's dead. SORENSON: Yes. Murdered. Just like the others. VISHINSKY: Stay where you are. [SCENE_BREAK] SALAMAR: Stand just where you are. SARAH: Where am I? SALAMAR: You are in orbit around planet Zeta Minor. You're a Morestran prisoner. SARAH: I can't breathe. SALAMAR: An oxygen type. Could be an Earthling. Transfer oxygen to quarantine area. MORELLI: Command deck calling you, Commander. SALAMAR: Right. Complete the quarantine procedures and bring the alien to me. You see what she's holding? [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: He calls himself the Doctor. He's not of our world. Claims to have landed in response to a distress call. [SCENE_BREAK] SALAMAR: Have you checked the transmitters down there? [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: Yes, but any signal would have been monitored by our receivers. DOCTOR: Perhaps my receivers are better than yours. PONTI: Shut up! DOCTOR: My manners certainly are. [SCENE_BREAK] SALAMAR: Can't Sorenson explain? VISHINSKY (OOV.): He's too shocked. His mental state is strained. SALAMAR: Understandable. We arrived just in time. And the prisoner? VISHINSKY (OOV.): Just repeats the same story. SALAMAR: Keep a careful watch on him. I may have better fortune. SALAMAR: You picked it up? SARAH: That's what I said. We picked up a distress call and landed immediately. SALAMAR: Do you have any idea where Zeta Minor is situated? SARAH: No, not exactly. SALAMAR: It's beyond Cygnus A. It's as distant again from Ortoro galaxy as that galaxy is from the Anterades. It's on the very edge of the known universe. You just happened to be passing when you received this distress call? SARAH: Well, no, no, no, we were on our way to London, to Earth. SALAMAR: To Earth? You said you came from Earth. SARAH: Yes, we do. That is, I do. You see, the Doctor said we could, we could be back SALAMAR: Report. MORELLI (OOV.): Landing site moving to obverse. Decision to land on planet or continue in orbit imperative. SALAMAR: We'll go in now, before night. I think you and your friend, the Doctor, know much more about Zeta Minor than you want us to think. Take her away. Commence landing procedure. [SCENE_BREAK] SORENSON: We'd only been working a few weeks when Lorenzo went. After that, Gura and then Summers. And then for a while, it stopped. We thought that we were safe, that whatever it was had decided to leave us in peace, but it wasn't to be. VISHINSKY: The killings always happened at night? SORENSON: Oh, yes. The nights are the worst. SALAMAR: Naturally. Any force of alien infiltrators is going to operate under cover of dark. A full and immediate confession would save you great discomfort. DOCTOR: Discomfort? You mean you're going to torture me. SALAMAR: Interrogate you. And nobody, Doctor, withstands Morestran interrogation for very long. Put him with the other prisoner. SALAMAR: We must try and contact the home planet again. VISHINSKY: Not a chance, Controller. This far our, we're on our own. SALAMAR: Well? PONTI: We've searched a wide belt of the jungle in all directions. No sign of any other life. SALAMAR: So that seems to narrow the killer down to our two aliens. Prepare to execute them. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Let's go, shall we? DOCTOR: How? SARAH: Through the window. DOCTOR: They're magnetically locked. SARAH: But the power is low.

Plan: A: a distress call; Q: What do the Doctor and Sarah answer? A: Zeta Minor; Q: What is the name of the planet where the Doctor and Sarah find themselves? A: a Morestran expedition; Q: What has gone missing on Zeta Minor? Summary: The Doctor and Sarah answer a distress call and find themselves on Zeta Minor, the last planet of the known universe, where a Morestran expedition has gone missing.

[Scene: P3. Piper is talking to the new manager.] Man: White gauze curtains would give this place some flair. You know what I'm saying? Then we'll take out these tables over here. Replace them with mounds of pillows so people can lay back and get comfortable. You look worried, baby girl. Piper: We – uh – Treat. I know I gave you the authority to make some changes in the club, but I thought they would happen gradually. You know, I don't want to shock the regulars. Treat: Well, I do. All right? You're place seems too safe. Now do you trust me? Do you trust the number one club promoter in all of San Francisco? Piper: Yes, of course Treat: Good. All right, guys. Rip it all out! (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe: Wait a minute! What's going on? That's our table? Who told them that they could rip out our table? Treat: I did. Phoebe: And who are you? Piper: Phoebe, this is Treat Taylor. He's the new manager of P3. Phoebe: I-I-I'm sorry. The new what? Piper: I just hired him on a trial basis. Phoebe: Well, isn't that interesting. I need to talk to you. (Phoebe pulls Piper to the side.) Piper: You look worried, baby girl. Phoebe: Well, why didn't you tell about this? Piper: It just happened yesterday. Which is why I asked you to come down here today. Phoebe: We said we weren't going to do this. Piper: Uh, do what? Phoebe: Make any major changes in our lives. All the books caution against it. After you've suffered a major loss. Do not sell the house. Do not get married. Do not quit your job. Piper: Okay, but like it or not, there's been a lot of changes lately, and this is hardly the biggest. (They see Paige.) Phoebe: Oh, speak of the devil/whitelighter/witch. (Paige walks up to them.) Paige: Hi, guys. Phoebe: Hi! Paige: I hope I'm not interrupting. Phoebe: No, no we were just talking. Paige: Well, I have a quick question, but it can wait. Continue. Piper: I was just explaining to Phoebe that the changes I'm making in the club are not by choice. They are by necessity. Okay? P3 has been struggling a little lately and we are now a single salary household. Phoebe: Oh, we don't have to be. I--I can get a job. Piper: Uh-huh. And if you could get a part-time entry level job that pays you about two hundred grand a year that would really make a difference. Otherwise, I'd rather you be free for other work. Paige: About that other work. Phoebe: But it's not fair. You shouldn't carry the financial burden. Piper: I will worry about the source of our income if you worry about the source of all evil. Paige: Speaking of evil-- Piper: Besides, what kind of job would you get? Phoebe: I am a college grad. I am sure I could find something. Paige: I found something. Piper: Okay, Paige. What is it? Paige: Okay, have you guys ever walked by a house and just, uh, got a really bad creepy feeling from it? Okay, on my way to get coffee every morning I walk by this house and I get... this shiver. Phoebe: A shiver? Paige: Does it mean anything? Piper: It's a shiver. Paige: No, I've always just dismissed it as a bad case of the creeps, but now that I'm a witch... I don't know. I think it might be something supernatural. Phoebe: Well, do you know anything about the house? Paige: Just that this cute guy named Finn lives there. We bumped into each other at the grocery store. Flirted a little. Done the are these melons ripe thing, okay. Piper: Well, that sounds like you have the hots not the creeps. Paige: Well – Phoebe: Either way, I think it's a good idea that you stay away from this Finn guy. Paige: No, I don't get the shiver from him. Just the house. I think I'm on to something. Piper: I really think that when you've been a witch for a few months, you'll know the difference between sensing evil and needing a warmer jacket. Paige: So you don't want to check it out? Piper: Not any time soon. (She leaves.) Paige: Phoebe, I'm not making this up. Phoebe: Oh, I know you're not sweetie. But you got to admit, it's not a lot to go on. I gotta run. I'll call you later. Paige: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. Stay away from that Finn guy. [Scene: Finn's house. He drives into the driveway with a woman on his motorcycle.] Woman: Geez, Finn. You live here. Finn: It needs some work. Okay, it needs a lot of work, but it's nicer inside. I'll show you. Woman: I must be out of my mind. Finn: Why? Woman: I don't know. Going home with a guy I just met. Finn: Come on. What are you afraid of? (They enter the house. Finn tries to turn on the light, but it doesn't work.) I keep meaning to get that fixed. Woman: It's kind of dark in here, Finn. Finn: You're a little old to be scared of the dark, aren't you? Maybe I should go check the circuit breaker. Woman: Wait, don't go. Finn: It's okay. (He leaves and the demon watches the woman from behind a hole in the wall.) Woman: Who's there? (The demon, Gammill, uses his wand to shrink her as she screams.) Opening Credits [Scene: Finn's house. Gammill sharpens tools and decorates a small figurine.] [Cut to outside. Paige watches Finn leave on his motorcycle.] [Scene: Office. Phoebe's there, sitting in a chair, at a job interview.] Woman: If I'm reading this correctly, you were 27 years old when you finished college. Phoebe: Yes. I just graduated last spring. Woman: Well, that certainly took awhile. Phoebe: Oh, I had to take a break after my freshman year. Personal reasons. Woman: Would you care to elaborate? Phoebe: Not really. Woman: You know during the holidays things get pretty hectic around here. We need people can handle tense situations. Phoebe: Oh, believe me, I am uniquely qualified to handle any kind of pressure. I battled more d customer complaints than you could possibly ever imagine. Woman: I see you also noted that you require a flexibe work schedule. Phoebe: I'll put in the hours. I promise. It's just sometimes, I may just have to leave unexpectedly. Woman: Would you care to elaborate? Phoebe: No, not really. Woman: I see. Phoebe: But it's not what you're thinking. Woman: How do you know what I'm thinking? Phoebe: I don't know what you're thinking. I just know that whatever you're thinking it's not it. Woman: So you're not going to tell me? Phoebe: No, it's just so silly. No. [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Paige enters through the front door.] Paige: Hello? It anybody home? (She finds Leo levitating it the living room with an orb around him.) Leo? (Leo falls.) Oh, god. Are you okay? Uh, I knocked, but nobody answered. And the door was unlocked. (Leo stands up.) Leo: Oh, it usually is. Otherwise, demons come crashing through and it costs a fortune to fix. If you're looking for Phoebe, she's not here. She's at a job interview. Paige: Actually, I was looking for you. Leo: Me? Why? Paige: Well, seeing that you're a whitelighter and I'm part whitelighter, I was hoping we could have a whitelighter to part whitelighter chat. Leo: Sure. Of course, sit down. Paige: So you have the ability to locate your charges, right? Leo: Sometimes. Paige: And if you have a sixth sense for locating good, is it possible that I have one for locating evil? Leo: You think you sensed evil? Paige: I know it sounds silly, but there's this house that I walk by and I get this really bad feeling from. The problem is that I've already discussed it with Piper and Phoebe and they've dismissed it. Leo: So you want me to talk to them? Paige: I hate to put you in the middle. Leo: Well, it's part of my job. Uh, I'll just talk to them when I sense their minds are in the right spot. Paige: Thank you. (Phoebe enters the house.) Phoebe: Damn it! Leo: Now would not be a good time. (They go over to her.) Phoebe: I am only going to say this once. The real world better start showing me some respect. Otherwise, I am going to saving it every week. Leo: What happened? Phoebe: I just had the worst job interview for a position that a monkey could fill. Provided that the monkey could explain why it needed flexible work hours. Why aren't you at work? Paige: I – It's my lunch break. I just – Phoebe: You're not still talking about the creepy house. Are you? Did you find out any new information? Leo: I think it's worth checking out. Phoebe: Huh. Okay. Well, let's go. I mean, it's not like I have to be at work or anything. Paige: Yeah, but I do. Could we meet afterwards? Like 4? I'll give you the address. I just, uh, need, uh, pen and paper. (A pen and paper orb into her hand.) I love being able to move stuff with my mind. I'll see you there later. Leo, thanks. Leo: Sure. (Paige leaves.) Phoebe: You really think she's on to something? Leo: Well, the important thing is that she does, so I think we should support that. Phoebe: Okay. Well, then I'll go change into my work clothes and head over there. Leo: Do you want me to go with you? I mean you don't even know what's there. Phoebe: Leo, please. This is what I do. [Scene: P3. Treat is showing Piper the new waitresses uniforms with the name The Spot on it.] Treat: Woo, now that's what I'm talking about. Piper: You're changing the name of the club? Treat: Man, you know that's the plan. You know? Piper: What's wrong with P3? Treat: Well, you know we polled people and most of them thought it was a parking level. I mean I don't even know what it stands for. Piper: It stands for Prue, Piper, and Phoebe. We are P3. We were. Treat: Yeah, but check this out. The new image deserves a new name. Otherwise, no one will know what it is. You know what I'm saying? But look, if you're against it. Look, I can take it all down, change things around, whatever you want me to do baby girl. Piper: No, it's just – it's just another change. So, uh, do what you want. Treat: You cool? Piper: Yeah. Treat: You cool? Piper: Yeah. Treat: You cool? Piper: Uh-huh. Treat: All right. [Scene: Finn's house. Phoebe knocks on the door. No one answers and she starts to walk away. The door opens by itself.] Phoebe: Oh, come on, Phoebe. Show a little spine. (She goes into the house.) Hello? (Gammill watches Phoebe from the hole in the wall.) Anybody home? (Phoebe sees a collection of little dolls with looks of horror on their faces. She picks up one, gets a premonition, and drops the doll.) Gammill: No! (He uses his wand to shrink Phoebe.) Phoebe: Uh-oh! (She runs away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Finn's house. Gammill is looking for Phoebe (shrunk), who is hiding under a table.] Gammill: Where are you? You can't have gone that far. Phoebe: (whispering) Leo. Leo. Oh! (The demon sees Phoebe running across the floor to the couch.) Gammill: I see you. (Phoebe levitates out of his reach.) Well, you little witch. We'll see how long you last. (The demon gets the vacuum cleaner.) Phoebe: Oh, this sucks. [Scene: P3. Leo and Paige orb into a secure area.] Paige: I can't get used to this orbing thing. Leo: You will. You've got in you. Paige: I feel like my stomach's going to come out of me. (They find Piper.) Leo: Uh, what's with the white gauze? It's worse than up there. Piper: It was Treat's idea. What are you guys doing here? Paige: We orbed in. Piper: Together? Paige: Yeah, well we were worried about Phoebe. She was supposed to meet me at the creepy house, but she never showed so I thought maybe she got hung up. So I went to your place-- Piper: Um, I thought we decided not to investigate the so-called creepy house. Paige: Well, I know you didn't think it was anything, but Leo... Piper: Oh, so you went behind my back and asked Leo. Leo: She didn't go behind your back and I'm her whitelighter, too. Piper: Uh-hmm, right. Well, it's a smart thing to do as a witch, but an annoying thing to do as a sister. So what happened to Phoebe? Leo: I don't know. I checked my radar, but she dropped to the tiniest blip. Piper: And what would account for that? Leo: I don't know, but I don't like it. Piper: Well, then we should probably get over there. Paige: See, I told you something was going on in that house. Piper: Uh-huh, okay. Let's hold the congratulations till we find Phoebe. (As they are leaving the workmen break the P3 sign.) Leo: Piper? Piper: Doesn't matter. P3 doesn't exist anymore. (Paige looks at the broken sign.) [Scene: Finn's house. Phoebe's grabbing onto the couch for dear life. Gammill's trying to suck her into the vacuum cleaner. Finn enters.] Gammill: Watch out! One's loose! Shut the door. Shut it! Finn: What are you going to do with her when you find her? Gammill: Don't ask questions. Finn: The same thing you did with the other one? (Gammill shuts off the vacuum cleaner. Phoebe relaxes.) Gammill: I said don't ask questions. The other one. Still, that... that gives me an idea. (He goes and takes out the woman he shrunk earlier covered in clay.) Finn: Do you want me to-- Gammill: Shh. (Phoebe sees the other girl try to say help me.) Finn: The door is still open. Gammill: Shut it! (He does.) [Scene: Outside Finn's House. Piper's car is there with Piper, Paige, and Leo in it.] Paige: There it is. See? Oh, shiver. Piper: Well, uh, Paige you don't have to be a super witch to know that that house is creepy. Leo: I saw a motorcycle in the driveway. Somebody's home. Piper: Okay, so I say we go up to the front door. You knock and I will freeze. Leo: You don't always have control over your powers. You might be blowing up an innocent. Piper: Okay, so how about you orb in, check out the place, and tell us what we're up against. Paige: I have an idea – Leo: Well, the problem with that is what if what we're dealing with is not supernatural. Then I've orbed into somebody's living room and we've risked exposure. Paige: I mean if I just – Piper: This is why I say we go with the freeze. Paige: I can get Finn out of the house. Piper: How? Paige: Well, I know the guy. I'll just go in, lure him out, and you can go in and snoop around. Piper: No. We can't let you go off with a potential demon. It's too dangerous. Right, Leo? Leo: Actually, it sounds like our best bet. Piper: Are you siding with Paige now? Leo: Hey, there's no sides. And, yes. Piper: Huh! Paige: Look, I know I'm new to magic, but the only way to change that is to allow me to get some experience. Piper: And I'm just trying to protect you. Paige: That's nice, but your protecting me may be hurting Phoebe. Look, I got her into this. Let me help get her out of it. Piper: Okay, fine. Go. But until we know who this Finn guy is and what he does, I do not want you alone with him. Take him to P3, or – I mean, The Spot. Paige: Got it. (Paige gets out a lollipop.) Piper: What is that for? Paige: A lure. (Paige gets out of the car.) Piper: Do not go into that house. Did you hear me? I said do not go in! (Paige leaves.) It is like talking to a wall. Leo: She's got the Halliwell hearing. [Scene: Finn's house. Phoebe levitates up to the woman in clay.] Phoebe: Whoo! That's one good thing about being so small. I'm so light I can kind of fly. Can you talk? (The woman whimpers.) Okay. Just close your eyes and don't tense up. (Phoebe kicks and breaks the clay. The woman starts to collapse.) No, no. You can collapse later. I need you to run now. Can you do that? Woman: Yeah. Phoebe: We got to go before Gammill sees us. (Gammill comes up and traps them under a can.) Gammill: Gotcha. I knew a witch could never resist saving an innocent. (He hears Paige knocking on the door.) Paige: Hello! Gammill: Now what? Paige: Hello! Gammill: Another girl. Get her inside. Go get her. Get her! Finn: Maybe we should just let them all go. Gammill: Since when did you develop a conscience? Hmm? I never gave you one. Now what are you standing around for? Go! Go! Fetch! (Finn goes to answer the door. Phoebe is yelling.) Be quiet! (Gammill puts them in a container.) [Cut to front door. Finn opens it to see Paige.] Paige: Hi! Finn: Hi! Paige: Remember me? The girl with the melons... from the supermarket melons. Finn: Yeah, I remember. What brings you here? Paige: Let's just say I got tired of waiting for you to show up on my doorstep. Finn: I'm sorry? Paige: Look, if we're going to go out, the first thing you need to know about me is that I don't play games. I see what I want and I, uh, go for it. Do you have a problem with that? Finn: Are you always this aggressive with guys? Paige: Just the ones I like. Finn: Why don't you come in? (Paige hesitates.) Is something wrong? Paige: Oh, just the old cliché. My mother told me never to go into stranger's houses. That thing. Finn: Come on. What are you afraid of? [Cut to Piper and Leo watching in the car.] Piper: Don't do it. [Cut to Gammill watching through the hole in the wall.] Gammill: Do it. [Cut to Paige. She starts to enter the house.] Finn: No, wait. On second thought, let's just go out. (Finn and Paige leave the house.) [Cut to Leo and Piper.] Leo: The lure worked. (Paige and Finn drive away on his motorcycle. Paige waves at them.) Piper: Barely. [Cut to inside Finn's house. Gammill goes to Phoebe and the woman.] Gammill: Now where were we? (Leo and Piper orb in and Gammill hides.) Phoebe: (In her small voice) Piper! Piper! Piper: You go that way. I'll go this way. Phoebe: In here! (Piper looks around and finds the demon's collection of small dolls.) Piper: Oh, weird. Leo: What a bizarre collection. I wouldn't touch. We should look for Phoebe. I'll check upstairs. Phoebe: Piper! Piper! (Piper can't hear Phoebe's cries. Leo comes back in.) Leo: There's nothing upstairs. I mean nothing. Anything down here? Piper: No, nothing but a bunch of clays. Leo: I think we should get out of here. Check the Book of Shadows. I-I want to know what we're dealing with. Piper: Well, whatever it is it better not require the Power of Three to vanquish it. (They orb out and the demon goes over to Phoebe.) Gammill: Well, well the Power of Three. So you're not just a witch, but a Charmed One. Nothing will make happier than to collect you all. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Finn's house. Gammill puts Phoebe and the woman into clay.] Gammill: When your clay hardens, I'll fire up the kiln and once you're in the kiln, there'll be nothing left to save. Don't worry. I'll be back. Once I complete my collection. (He leaves.) Phoebe: Okay, good. Now that he's gone, I can focus on getting us out of here. Although, I do have to tell you I am not having the best day of my life. It began with an interview where a woman made me feel this big, and now I actually am this big. And next up is being baked. (The woman shrieks.) Well, that's just a round about of saying don't panic. I'm going to get us out of here. I'm... going... to turn... this day around. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Leo are looking in the Book of Shadows.] Leo: Found him! Gammill a.k.a. The Collector. He's known for his passion of collecting one of a kind figurines. Wonder what he gets out of that? Piper: Well, speaking for my great-aunt Sylvia, who collects Hummels, when they have a hard time dealing with real people figurines can be their best friends. Leo: Yeah, but being socially awkward doesn't land you in the Book of Shadows. Piper: So what does? Leo: Well, apparently he went up against a witch sometime in the seventies. A spell was cast to make as hideous on the outside as he was on the inside. Like this I suppose. Piper: Does it say what he did to deserve that? Leo: No, it doesn't make any sense either. I mean we saw this guy and he's still looks the same. Piper: So what does that mean? That Gammill found a way to break the curse and changed his name to Finn? Leo: I don't know, but I'm guessing whoever the guy Paige is with does. Piper: Well, then we need to find Paige and hope that she's not in trouble so we can find Phoebe and hope that she's not in trouble. Leo: Well, I wouldn't worry about Paige. I mean she's in a public place. Nobody's going to hurt her at The Spot. [Scene: Paige's apartment. Paige and Finn enter.] Paige: I wasn't expecting company so just, uh, give me a sec to clean the place up. Finn: I really like your place. Paige: Really? It's a shoe box compared to yours. Finn: I'm really glad I didn't bring you in. You know this is the first time a girl has ever invited me back to her place. Paige: Well, uh, I just thought the club was kind of noisy and we could, um, hang out here. Um, first actually I have a question. Finn: About what? Paige: About your house. Finn: I don't really want to talk about that. Paige: If something bad is going on there, I need for you to tell me about it. Please, my sister could be in trouble. Finn: I don't know much. It's only recently that I've started asking questions myself. Paige: Asking who? Finn: Gammill. Paige: What's his deal? Finn: I'm not sure. Paige: Well, how do you know him? Finn: He made me. Paige: Made you? What is that like a Mafia thing? Finn: No. Look give me your hand. Put it here. Do you feel that? I'm not like you. (He places Paige's hand on his abdomen.) Paige: Oh, my god. [Scene: The Spot (P3). Piper and Leo orb into a secure area. There is loud music and the waitresses are dancing on the bar.] Piper: I got just got, uh, got a creepy shivers myself. Leo: Now I'm glad you changed the name. Piper: Oh! Look at the waitresses! Oh, no! Don't look! They're practically removing their spots Leo: Can you do that in public? Piper: Uh! Listen to me. Just go look for Paige. Okay? Go. (Piper walks toward the back of the club where a bouncer stops her.) Bouncer: Hold it! You can't go in there. Piper: Excuse me? Bouncer: It's the VIP area. Piper: Oh! You're assuming because I not tall, tattooed, or big breasted that I'm not important. That's a bad assumption because I own this club. Which makes me a V.V.VIP. (Treat comes out to meet her.) Treat: Piper! Piper! Piper! She's good, man. What's up girl? Piper: Hi. Treat: We got a fly crowd. Piper: Uh-huh. Treat: I told you all it needs is a little danger. Piper: Yeah, that's exactly what this place lacked. Um, listen. Have you seen my sister Paige? Treat: Yeah, she was here, but she left. She said it was too noisy. Piper: She said what? Treat: It was too noisy. (Piper leaves him and finds Leo trying to get through the crowd, but is caught in between two dancing waitresses. He doesn't seem to mind too much.) Piper: Excuse me! Hi! Having fun? Let's go. Paige took Finn to her loft. Let's go. (They go behind a sofa and orb out.) [Scene: Outside Paige's Apartment. Piper and Leo orb in and go inside. They find Paige kneeling in front of Finn.] Piper: Paige! Paige: What are you doing here? Piper: This is ridiculous. It's like dealing with a teenager. Paige: I'm just examining him. Piper: Okay! First of all, you should not have left the club. Paige: Piper – Piper: Second of all, you should not be playing doctor with the demon boy. Paige: Piper – Piper: Third of all – Paige: Piper! He has no bellybutton. I can explain. First of all, we left your club because it sucks now. Okay, anytime you try to be that hip. It ain't hip. And second of all, Finn has no bellybutton because he wasn't born. Finn: I was created out of clay. Leo: In Gammill's own image. He must be a golem. Paige: I don't know the technical term, but I do know that he needs protection from the demon that made him. Piper: Okay. Hold up! Where is Gammill now? Finn: At the house, I think. Leo: We were just there. We didn't see him. Finn: That's because he has his own secret hiding place. Piper: Could he be hiding our sister Phoebe there? Finn: No, he probably shrunk her. Piper: I'm sorry. He probably what? Finn: Oh, that's what he does. He takes his wand and shrinks the women for his collection. Piper: Oh god. The figurines, that's why they're each one of a kind. Okay, we have to get back there. We have to find Phoebe. Finn: Careful. If Gammill's at the house waiting for you, he'll shrink you all. I don't know why he didn't before. Piper: Does he still trust you? Finn: Yeah. Piper: Okay, then you come with us. You go in first and distract him. Paige: No, Piper we can't use Finn as a minesweeper. And besides, isn't he an innocent? Piper: Actually, Paige innocents tend to be real. Paige: Listen. We have to go get Phoebe. First, we should go by your house, check the Book of Shadows to see if there's a spell to undo shrinking. We'll bring Finn with us. Piper: We don't have time for that. Paige: Well, we can't go in there unprepared. Piper: Unprepared might be our best shot right now. Leo, what do you think? Leo: I think you need to stop turning to me. Start trying to figure out a way to listen to each other. Piper, you don't listen to Paige's ideas. (Paige smiles.) And Paige, you don't listen to Piper's advice. I think you guys need to figure out a way how to work as partners. Piper: We're partners. Leo: Equal partners. Paige: Well, listen. Can we do that tomorrow? Right now we actually need your help. Leo: All right, well I think the best that I can help is by this. (Leo orbs out.) Piper: Leo! Great! Paige: What now? Piper: Well, I'm just going to have to convince you that I'm right. Paige: Well, we don't have all day. Why don't we just flip a coin? Piper: Phoebe's life is at stake. Paige: All the more reason to make a decision quickly. Piper: Fine flip. Paige: Call it. Piper: Heads. (Paige throws the coin and orbs it to tails.) Paige: Tails. I win. Fair and square. [Scene: Manor. Piper, Paige, and Finn enter through the foyer.] Paige: It's okay. You'll be safe here. Finn: Can I get a glass of water? My skin feels a little dry. Paige: Oh, yeah. Sure. Uh, the kitchen's just down there to the left. (As Finn walks into the entranceway Gammill shatters him with his wand then shrinks Piper and Paige.) Piper: Uh-oh! [Scene: Finn's House. Gammill lines up all four women (Piper, Phoebe, Paige, and the innocent woman encased in clay on a shelf.] Gammill: Time to fire up the kiln. You're next. (He takes Claudia to the kiln.) Piper: At least we came for you. (Phoebe groans.) Phoebe, Paige and I are here now. We have the power of three. Can you say a spell? (Phoebe moans.) Okay. We'll figure this out. Paige, let's go over our options. Paige: Options? We have two: We're screwed and we're more screwed. Piper: We don't need negativity. We need solutions. Paige: Well, I'm sorry. I've never been shrunk and covered in clay before. Piper: Hey! You wanted to be partners so work with me here. Okay? Are you right? We are screwed. Paige: Can't you blast your way out of it? Piper: I tried. I can't move my hands. Paige: I could call for something, but what would help? What's the point of having powers if you can't use them. Piper: What about orbing? Paige: Would Leo hear us? Piper: No! You can orb! Paige: Only in the same place. Piper: Well, that might work. The clay is still wet enough so it might collapse if you leave for a second. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Paige: Yeah. Only one problem, I've never been able to orb at will before. Piper: But that doesn't mean that you can't. Just concentrate and relax. Paige: Relax? Are you kidding? Piper: Paige, just close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Feel the magic rising from a place of strength. Feel it building and building. Paige, you're our only hope. (Paige orbs and her clay breaks.) Paige: It worked. How cool was that? (Her sisters moan.) I know. I know. I'm coming. (Paige breaks Piper and Phoebe's clay.) Phoebe: He's about to put Claudia into the kiln. Piper freeze him. (Piper tries, but nothing happens.) Piper: Oh, he's way too big for my tiny magic. Paige: Do you think I can call for his wand? Piper: I don't know. Try it. Phoebe: Just keep your voice down. If he hears us, we will be cooked. Paige: Wand. Wand. Phoebe: Go for it. Paige: Wand! (The wand orbs to Paige and Gammill hears.) We need a spark. Piper: Got it! (They shrink Gammill.) Gammill: Uh-oh! Phoebe: Can you freeze him now? (Piper freezes him.) Piper: Yup. Phoebe: What do you say we take him out Charmed Ones style? Paige: Don't we need a spell for that? Phoebe: That was the good thing about being stuck in clay all day. I had time to think of one. Repeat after me. Small of mind. Piper/Phoebe/Paige: Small of mind Phoebe: Big of woe Piper/Phoebe/Paige: Big of woe Phoebe: The pain you caused Piper/Phoebe/Paige: The pain you caused Phoebe: You now will know Piper/Phoebe/Paige: You now will know. (Gammill disappears and the girls are transformed back to normal size.) Paige: That's it? That's the spell you spent all day working on? Phoebe: Well, it worked. Didn't it? Claudia: Oh, my gosh. How did you do that? Phoebe: The power of three. Piper: The power of point three. [Scene: The Spot (P3). David Navarro is singing and the sisters and Leo enter.] Piper: What do you guys think of the Spot? Phoebe: Well, the club scored David Nararro. That's pretty impressive. Leo: I still can't get used to the white gauze. Piper: Well, you don't have to. I told Treat that I just – I can't do it. Paige is right. It's trying way too hard to be hip. Which means it is five minutes away from being five minutes ago. (They go and sit down on a couch. Phoebe raises a toast.) Phoebe: Okay! To the old! (Paige looks downcast.) Piper: What's the matter honey? Paige: The last time I was here, I was here with Finn. How do you guys get over these things? Phoebe: You don't. Piper: But you learn with experience that you can't dwell on the losses. You kind of have to – Paige: Harden your heart. Piper: Protect your heart. Unfortunately, it's a fact of our lives that sometimes the good comes with a little sadness. Leo: There was a lot of good, too. Phoebe: There was a lot of good. I mean my skin looks fabulous. Piper: And now that I've been five inches tall, I will never complain about my height again. And nor will I doubt your instincts again. Paige: Thank you. Leo: Okay, well then there's just one more thing that we need to tie up. Piper: Oh, okay. (Leo leads them out behind the club.) Phoebe: Uh, Leo what are you looking for? Leo: Something very important. Paige: Broken glass? Leo: Broken glass that needs healing. (He finds the broken P3 sign.) Here it is. It's up to you. Piper: Can you do it? (Leo nods.) Well, then do it. (Leo heals the sign and it starts to glow.) It looks like P3's is back.

Plan: A: Paige; Q: Who starts having a bad feeling about a nearby house? A: Phoebe; Q: Who gets kidnapped? A: Leo's help; Q: Who helps Paige get Phoebe to investigate the house? A: a figurine; Q: What does Gammill turn Phoebe into? A: a demon; Q: What is Gammill? A: a Charmed One; Q: What is Phoebe? A: a concert promoter; Q: What does Piper hire for P3? A: drastic changes; Q: What kind of changes does the concert promoter make? Summary: Paige starts having a bad feeling about a nearby house but is less than happy when Piper and Phoebe are hesitant to go investigate it. Later, with Leo's help, Paige is able to get Phoebe to go investigate - where Phoebe ultimately gets kidnapped and shrunken into a figurine by a demon called Gammill. When he discovers that his latest victim is a Charmed One, Gammill sets his sights on kidnapping Piper and Paige. Meanwhile, Piper decides to hire a concert promoter for P3, and when he starts making drastic changes, things do go as she hoped.

Ted (2030): Children, your aunt Lily has always been among those who like their birthday. Really. The alarm goes off at 12: 00 and Lily wakes. Lily: It's my birthday! Ted (2030): It's a good thing she married Marshall. The clock shows 9: 00. Lily: It's still my birthday! Ted (2030): Because he loves to prepare on birthdays. Marshall enters the room carrying a tray. Marshall: Feliz cumpleanos, baby. The theme of this breakfast in bed is... "Spanish Interlude." (A musician enters the room and opens the curtain Marshall) How have we landed on the lyric rolling hills of northern Spain? Baby, it will be huge tonight. We five, dinner well dressed, and Ted brings your cognac cheesecake Pumpkin at Edgar. I'll go shopping super secret birthday. And I took him because I do not like the way he looks at you. Robin, Barney, Marshall and Lily's birthday party at the latter's apartment Marshall and Lily. Lily: A new camera! Thank you, Marshall. I love it! Marshall: Small bonus, I took pictures of me naked before packing. With a node. Lily: There was not a knot. Marshall: On the other device. Lily: Thank you. I will make great photos of our group with that. Ted (2030): Children, have you seen the photo album of Lily... Bound in leather, acid-free paper, adorable handwritten captions. And most importantly, the group photo. Nice picture, eh? But what you do not see are the 10 seconds before this photo was taken. Flashback 10 seconds before the photo... Lily: I want the perfect group shot. Marshall put yourself between Robin and Barney. Barney: Why? Lily: You know... Light, color, balance, aperture... Robin: You say stuff pictures. Expect. You do not want it to look like a couple, right? Lily: Of course. You will not last! The photo is forever. Barney: How dare you? Robin: It's so rude. Barney: It's true. Robin: Totally. It is a tightrope, but still. Ted (2030): We hated group photos of Lily. End flashback Lily: Okay, I am perhaps a little bossy, but I want to remember it all. Like tonight. I imagine no better birthday being with my 4 best friends only. (A knock at the door) And Ted's here. Lily opens the door. Ted: Happy Birthday! Here is Amanda. Lily: And Amanda... GENERIC Marshall: Ted, you had to bring a cheesecake, but you've brought two shopping bags and a girl who knows not. My name is Marshall. Welcome. Ted talks. Ted: Amanda will make a cake for Lily. She is head. We met at the restaurant last week when I returned my soup. Fortunately, she has such beautiful hair it not bother me a bit to eat. Amanda: I've nicknamed "Lose hair 'at work. Lily: I'm really happy you make me my cake. Marshall: In honor of the 32nd anniversary of Lily, I expected a lot of great games, beginning with... "Lil-ial Pursuit." Who has the number 1? Amanda: Me. Marshall: Sure. Okay, this is Amanda begins. You have 32 seconds to answer a ton of questions. And... Here we go. Lily's favorite color? Amanda: Well, she wears pink, so I'll say pink. Marshall: It's Robin. Amanda: Her favorite color is... leg. Marshall: I think Ted whispered the word "yellow". It is equally untrue. (Later...) This game is called... raising the cost of perfection. Lily: Pretty. Marshall: Thank you. You wrote all that you love our queen of the day. And Lilypad, you must guess who wrote what. "From his friends to his students, Lily that everyone in his life..." Ted: Lily is a teacher. Hence the "students". Marshall: "... feel loved. She makes the best cookies oatmeal raisin-, The Goonies knows by heart... " Ted: Lily saw The Goonies just after his parents separated. After that, she had real problems of trust. Marshall: "And that's the strongest person I know. I can not imagine my life without her. I love you, Lily. Lily Robin. Robin: Of course it was me. Lily: Come here. Marshall: Too cute. Lily, guess who wrote it. "You look really nice." Lily: I would say Amanda. Barney: No, it was me. And I meant it. Amanda: Well, I'm going to finish the cake. Lily: Tell me if you need help. (Amanda from the kitchen) Quick, group photo! All front of the fireplace. They gather by the fireplace. Ted: Wait, I'll find Amanda. Lily: No problem, it is occupied. The bother, come on. Ted: Wait... You do not want Amanda on the picture, right? Lily: Well, you know, auto focus, speed of obstruction, zoom... Ted: Lily, what's the matter? Marshall: Who wants a party hat? I'm a bird! All do the bird! Ted: Tell me the truth. Lily: Of course not. I let another of your bitches spoil my memories. Ted: Lily, what are you talking? Lily: Ted, you always do that. You bring a girl knows that not all our evenings with us. Ted: That's not true. Lily: Really? So, let us walk bitch Street Shuffle. Lily pulls out a photo album. Marshall: Or we could continue the descent on the Avenue Best Birthday. Barney: I Can Vote? Street bitch! Street bitch! Marshall: My friends, I made a song for tonight. Follow me, the chorus is this: Merry, Merry Lily-anniversary... Lily: Christmas morning, there was 4. Our first Christmas together, just us five. Here's another nice little game. It's called, Appoints This Bitch. Ted: That's Pap Pa...... Lily: False. You think the Santa Claus, because it was Christmas. Robin: Funny. Every year my mother took tea with her friend Easter Bell. Not so funny. Ted: I remember, this is Sarah. Lily: Almost. This is Leilani. She had to come at Christmas because, you said, "Folks, this may be good." And this is not the only "maybe good". Eve 2007, Barney, Lily, Robin, Ted, Marshall and "It's good" Emily. The funeral of Uncle Cecil Robin, Marshall, Lily, Robin, Barney, Ted and... "It proves that you selected the eyes closed" Isabelle. My appendicitis, Robin, Marshall, Barney, Lily, Ted, and it... you've admitted, you just wanted to make. Compliance. Barney: You remember the yoga teacher that got you into my birthday? Flashback The band is at McLaren's. Barney: Thank you. You believe not just enter. Look! Look! Why not look at you! This is Slash from Guns N'Roses! Lily: Group Photo! End flashback Barney: And we have had. We had a group photo with Slash on my birthday. Great, huh? Eh? Robin: It was there, we know the end. Barney: False! Robin: The funny for this photo. I plottait ass. Lily: Oh? So do I. Barney: And me too. He has how many hands? Ted: Normal if it is good guitarist. Marshall: Actually, sorry, man. I had you taken to Lily. Robin: Wait. Look at these pictures. Barney always has the same pose and all these years. Barney: Yes, at this point, I have never an old head on the photos. Neither ever or always. Robin: It's gotta be a lousy picture of you. Barney: Nope, not at all. Robin: And in elementary school? We all have school pictures ugly. Barney: Not the Barnacle. I always look awesome mortally. Not like Marshall, who seems to be ingeniously death. Ted (2030): He was right. Your uncle Marshall is many things well, but for the pictures, it's terrible. Marshall: They are not all bad. Like... this. Look. I have my eyes open. Barney: You really put a knot! Robin: A crisp, Barney? Barney: Of course. Robin takes a picture of Barney eating a chip. Robin: I! A photo ugly. Barney: You sure? Robin: No! Wait! You ate a potato chips! Where's the chips? Barney: It's physically impossible for me to take a picture ugly. I know why. Ask God. Ted: Lily, sorry for Amanda. But I'll say. You make your spoiled rotten. You in all your statements because you think I messed up two three photos? Lily: These girls have ruined so many things, or you forget Paris. Robin: This is what happened in Paris? Lily: In the first year of college, I studied in Paris, and I had not seen Marshall since 2 months. Marshall: 2 months. And I just started making love. I was not ready to stop for 2 months. Lily: And Marshall came to me to spring break. And at the last minute, Ted decided to go with the girl he had just to get back, Karen. Flashback Marshall, Ted and Karen are in an airplane. Ted: I'm so excited you're here. Karen: I'm so excited to go to Paris. Marshall: I'm so excited to remake love. Ted and Karen kiss. Lily: But just before takeoff... Karen: Wait, I must tell you something. Ted: Really? Because I think I want to tell you the same thing. Karen: Do your thing is, I slept with the philosophy teacher last night? Because I do. Lily: And so began the longest 7:30 of Marshall's life. When I went to look for... Karen: Ted broke. I have to sleep in your room this week.Marshall will go with Ted. End flashback Marshall: 2 months! My balls were blue! Blue! Lily: It will not surprise you, but the rest of the trip was horrible. I did a picture of a romantic kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower, I actually had. It was just between Karen and Francis, our server yesterday. Robin: It's terrible. My laptop is just... fell. You me collected?(Barney looks to pick it up) Mouse, m*therf*cker! I! Barney: You sure? Robin: Wait. How you do that?! You were not even standing! Barney: The camera loves me. Much more than that. The device I want. The unit wants to put on underwear, put an Al Green CD, dim the lights and do all the work while I was still lying with closed eyes. Ted: I feel sorry for Paris and group photos ruined, but... when you're single, you must hope that every girl is good. I mean, Erin.Irene. Lily: Emily. Isabelle. Ted: And Sarah. Lily: Leilani! What's your problem? Ted: At the time, I thought each of these girls could be good, but I have to keep hoping. I have no choice. Lily: Here is another. More random bitch to my birthday! Hey, baby! Amanda: You have a cake rack? Lily: The drawer under the oven. I can not wait. You're the best! Robin: I'm sorry, Ted. I agree with Lily on this. This kind of evening is hard for someone new. That's why I have not brought Don. When I was in Japan, this guy, hot date for our third, took me to his brother's wedding. Now I, a complete stranger, am on the photo album of the marriage of a Japanese couple forever. Flashback A Japanese couple looking at a photo album. Woman: Names that bitch! Man: Uh... End flashback Lily: You should listen to Robin. Ted: Because Robin is your best friend. Lily: Right. Ted: Your best friend on Earth. Lily: Absolutely. Marshall: Attention Lily. It's a trap. Ted: Before being your best friend, what was she? That's it. One of my random sluts. Lily: Yes, okay, Ted. This bitch has proved some nice, but except for bitches, not the rule of bitches. Robin: I'm starting to cry. Marshall: It puts an end to all this conversation about the bitches.Back to the birthday song! Barney, your part is this: "She's cute She's cute." Ted: I bring these girls to party because you are important. You are my family. Marshall Robin. Your part is this: "And nice and sweet and so nice! " Lily: Yes. We are a family. So why these parties can not they be us? Flashback Marshall, Robin, Lily and Barney are at the restaurant when Ted comes accompanied by a woman. Lily: Like the time we celebrated the success of Marshall to the bar. Ted: Here's the disgusting smelly hippie with whom I go out. End flashback Ted: I did not say that! Lily: It's as if you had done. Flashback Ted: Here's Framboise. Marshall: You must order more food? Ted: No. Raspberry does not eat. Raspberry: I am a vegetarian. Lily: Let us raise our glasses. During the last 3 years, Marshall has worked so hard, and I am so proud of you. Raspberry: Meat is murder! (She throws her drink in hand and cook) Murder! End flashback Ted: I confess. Raspberry was a mistake. But how would I know? All: It was called Raspberry! Ted: If this is so important, Amanda is not in the picture. It does not spoil your birthday. Give him a chance. Marshall: Look. We're all friends again! Now working on the harmonies. Merry, Merry Lily-versary! Merry, Merry Lily-versary! Amanda: And that's it. I hope you will like. Lily: "Happy 42nd Birthday, Lori." Ted (2030): Children, you remember the look "you're dead to me" Lily, she has this expression before exploding in a rage?Well, that was not it. But it was that of Marshall. Marshall: "42nd"? Does the f*cking bomb appeared to have 42 years? Or worse, she has a mind to call Lori?! Lily: No, Marshall, it does not matter. Marshall: If Lily is serious. Get out of this stranger in my house! Amanda: I'm sorry. Marshall: Out! [SCENE_BREAK] Amanda poses the cake and leaves. Ted was also released. Ted returns to the apartment Marshall and Lily. Ted: Amanda refuses to return. She thinks you hate it. Marshall, you have to go apologize. Marshall: You've ruined Lily's birthday and you want me to apologize? At worst, you should apologize. Ted: What are you talking? Marshall: You bring her girls at our parties, and it lets them believe that things are serious. After the largues when you, you know to whom they turn? Me. I was the cleaning crew of your girlfriends for years. Flashback February 2005... Marshall: I had just returned from a marathon to study the law library. Hi, Natalie, where is Ted? Natalie: We broke... again! You sit with me a little while? Just sit down? Marshall: You know what? I have not slept for 36 hours. Just a few minutes. End flashback Marshall: And at first I was totally sympathetic. But damn, Ted, over the years, you made me cynical. Flashback February 2005... Marshall: I'll get us something to eat, and we'll talk about it until it is clear. In 2007... Woman: I just thought we had something special, you know? Marshall: Me too. Yeah. But you know, life goes darling. In 2009... Woman: I know if I'll get over it. Marshall: Shut up. End flashback Ted: Sorry that my search for love has you so upset. You know, your precious photos might be better if I was not over. Barney: They would be if Marshall was not on it. Marshall: Cheap Shot. Low blow. Ted: You know what these pictures? A big lie. We ask. They are retouched. They are what you want but not the reality. Lily: This is not true! Ted: Oh? Look at that one. Halloween, there is 2 years old. You had not played because you wanted to disguise yourself as a penguin. Marshall: It's not that she would not, but she said that penguins are zero. Penguins. Ted: And yet you're there, smiling as if nothing was wrong, completely wrong. Robin's birthday, there is 3 years old. Robin had a cold, and you made him remove his pajamas for the photo. Robin: And you got me pinched cheeks very hard for them to be pink. Lily: Yeah, but you were beautiful. Robin: And then we all ate chocolate cake in my bed. Marshall: Actually, it was a good evening. Lily: It's true. Ted: Yeah, that was good. Lily: Look at that one. This is the first picture of us three. Marshall: It's true. Ted: Do you remember what happened? Flashback Ted and Marshall are caught in photo. Man: Well, are you ready? Ted: Wait, we take what poses? The two cops friends? Marshall: No! Why not sitcom of the 80s with two roommates who never agree? Man: Cool. Fine. One, two... Lily enters the room. Lily: Hi, Marshall. Ready for the film? Marshall: Yeah. Just one second per cons. We are writing history. We'll take our first picture of roommate. Ted: And if you came to ask us? Lily: Really? Ted: Yeah. Marshall: What are you doing, Ted? And if one breaks? Ted: And if you break it? Marshall: Come. End flashback Lily: I had totally forgotten that. Marshall and I were together for only a few weeks and you invited me in the photo. Ted: I liked you. Lily: We must bring back Amanda. Ted: Really? Lily: You believed in me. It's my turn to believe in you. As far as I know, this is good. Ted: Thank you, Lil. Robin: I think Lori's age made him very wise. Barney: It is said that it was after 40 years we know each other really. Ted (2030): So your aunt Lily called Amanda. Lily: Come on everybody, come here. Let's make a memory. Ted: Marshall, try this. Keep your eyes closed until the last second and when I say, open them. Robin: It's a hole in your jacket? Barney: What? Where? Ted: Now, Marshall! The picture goes off. Robin: sh1t! A year later... Lily: Names that bitch. Ted: Ann has...? Anna? Lily: No, it was my birthday. Marshall: Your brain is too predictable associations. Lily: Come on, everybody. Come here. Let's make a memory. Barney: Is there anything in the sauce that you've made? It tastes like... coriander. And... you know that cilantro makes me... The photo is triggered when Barney sneezes. Robin: Yes!

Plan: A: 32nd; Q: What birthday is Lily celebrating? A: Marshall; Q: Who planned Lily's birthday? A: a stranger; Q: Who does Ted bring to Lily's birthday party? A: the intimate celebration; Q: What kind of celebration is it? A: the photo albums; Q: What does Lily drag out? A: short-timers; Q: What does Lily call Ted's romantic interests? A: Robin; Q: Who tries to catch Barney in a bad position? A: a photograph; Q: What does Robin try to take? Summary: It is Lily's 32nd birthday, that Marshall has carefully planned. Ted has to ruin it all by bringing a stranger to the intimate celebration, an incident that causes Lily to drag out the photo albums and review the endless parade of short-timers in Ted's romantic life. Robin tries to catch Barney in a bad position to take a photograph.

Merlin 4.10 - A Herald of the New Age "In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name...Merlin". FOREST - DAY King Arthur, the knights and Merlin rest in the forest, Elyan wants to drink from his flask. Sir Elyan: All right, who drank all my water? Gwaine burps. King Arthur: I believe you have your answer. Sir Gwaine: You said I could have some. Sir Elyan: I said you could have some. I didn't say you could drink every last drop. Elyan throws the flask at Gwaine. Sir Gwaine: I was thirsty. Sir Leon: Here. Have some of mine. Leon throws his arm forward, but loops it back and tosses it to Percival behind him. They laugh. Sir Elyan: That's very funny. Sir Percival: Here. Unlike these ignorant fools, I share with my friends. Percival steps forward with his flask but tosses it to Merlin. Arthur smiles as the others laugh. His smile fades when he sees a clothes line in the trees. King Arthur: Shh! Merlin: What is it? King Arthur: I saw something in the trees. There. They approach and find a place strung with strips of cloth. Sir Percival: What is this place? Arthur seems slightly disturbed as he looks at a red flag picking up in the breeze. Merlin (nervously): This is a shrine. In the time of the Old Religion, they built shrines like this to appease restless spirits. We shouldn't be here. They keep still, the cloth waving eerily in the wind. Gwaine grabs Merlin's shoulder to scare him. The other knights smile. Merlin: It isn't funny! Gaius told me about places like this and they're cursed. Another breeze stirs up out of nowhere. A raven bursts out over head and they jump. Leon smiles. Sir Leon: There's your spirit, Merlin. Arthur seems more disturbed. King Arthur: There's nothing here for us. Move out. Sir Elyan lingers as they leave. He hears drops of water and investigates to find a well. He smiles and drinks. He looks down into the well and sees a boy. He looks behind him, but there's no one there. Voices whisper in the wind. Creeped out, Sir Elyan picks up his sword and leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] OPENING TITLES [SCENE_BREAK] KING'S PALACE, ARMOURY - DAY Arthur is lost in his thoughts. Merlin: You all right? King Arthur: What do you mean? Merlin: You're very quiet. You didn't say a word on the way home. King Arthur: It's called "thinking", Merlin. You should try it sometime. Sir Gwaine: Merlin? Gwaine tosses Merlin a bag. Merlin: What's that? Sir Gwaine: Salt. Pour it in a circle at the foot of your bed. Helps to protect you from evil spirits. Merlin: Really? Does that work? Sir Gwaine: Absolutely. And if it doesn't, Gaius can always put it on his supper. Merlin: Very funny. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Gaius and Merlin are having dinner. Gaius: I am surprised that such a shrine exists so close to Camelot. Merlin: And it was cursed. I could feel it. Gaius: You were right to be wary. The druids built shrines to bring rest to tormented souls. Souls that were so badly wronged they could find no peace in the other world. Merlin: Why do they hang all the ribbons and flags? Gaius: The ancient rituals heal the ground so the souls of the victims can find rest, but the magic that binds the earth is delicate and is easily undone. So the ribbons and flags act as a warning. Merlin: Should've known that earlier. Gaius: Did anyone touch anything? Merlin: Uh, no, I don't think so. Why? What is it? Gaius: Anyone who disturbs a resting place risks releasing the spirit. Merlin, you must promise me you'll never return to that place. Merlin: Oh, don't worry. I've no intention of going back there. And for once I'm not lying to you. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Arthur stares into space, holding a spoon on his plate absentmindedly. KING'S PALACE, ELYAN'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Elyan gets into bed and blows out the candle. He closes his eyes and hears drops of water. He opens his eyes. Sir Elyan: Hello? (sits up in bed) Who's there? He gets out of bed and investigates. Sir Elyan: Show yourself! No one seems to be there. Elyan goes back to his bed and sits. He shakes his head and lays back down and sees the well boy on the other side of his bed. Elyan scrambles out of bed, taking his sheets with him as he whimpers in fear. Sir Elyan: No! KING'S PALACE, ELYAN'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT Gwaine hears Elyan's yelp as he walks down the corridor. Sir Elyan: No! KING'S PALACE, ELYAN'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Gwaine enters to find Elyan curled up on the floor, shaking in fear. Gwaine approaches and Elyan calms himself. Sir Gwaine: What are you doing? Gwaine moves and Elyan sees the well boy behind him. The boy puts a finger to his lips. Sir Elyan: Nothing. Gwaine looks at Elyan with confused concern. Sir Elyan: I...I was getting a drink of water...tripped over the table. Gwaine chuckles and gives Elyan a hand up. Sir Gwaine: I missed you at the tavern earlier. Percival broke Sir Brennis's wrist in an arm wrestle. Sir Elyan: Sounds like fun. Sir Gwaine: Not for Sir Brennis. Get some rest. Arthur's planned a training session in the morning. You know how the King likes his training. Elyan nods with a smile. Sir Gwaine: Good night. Gwaine leaves. Elyan searches frantically through his cupboards and finds what he was looking for: a small bag. He ducks under his bed and pours a circle of salt at the foot of it. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - DAY Arthur has fallen asleep on his table, his head resting on a plate. Merlin comes in and smashes some pots, waking him up. Arthur has food all over his face and hair. Merlin: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. King Arthur: You didn't scare me, I was asleep. Merlin tries to hold in his laughter at the stew all over Arthur's face. King Arthur: Why have you got that stupid smile on your face? Merlin: It's nothing. Why were you sleeping with your head on the table? King Arthur: I fell asleep while I was reading. Merlin glances at the table, no parchment or book in sight. Merlin: What were you reading? Arthur looks around and realizes that there's nothing he could have been reading. King Arthur: I am the king of Camelot, I do not have to answer to the likes of you. Merlin: Oh, you're in a good mood. You obviously got out of the wrong side of the table (laughing at his own joke) The wrong side of the bed, but you slept on the table. King Arthur (sarcastic): That's extremely clever and funny, Merlin. There really are no limits to your wit. Now, will you please just get me some breakfast? Merlin: Right. Merlin leaves. Arthur looks down at the plate of stew and moves it off of the platter. He sees his reflection in the platter and lifts it for a better look. King Arthur: MERLIN!!! TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY King Arthur: Pair off! Concentrate on counter-cutting. Gwaine, you're with me. Sir Gwaine: What's that in your hair? Merlin: It's stew. Sir Leon: Why have you got stew in your hair? Merlin (as if it should be obvious): Because he was reading. The knights give Arthur a confused look. King Arthur: Change of plan. I think we'll try something different. Merlin stands in the training grounds wearing a helmet and a shield. He grimaces and holds the shield in front of his face as Arthur approaches and beats Merlin's shield with a sword. He finally hits hard enough to knock Merlin to the ground. Merlin stands up, holding his arm. He prepares as Elyan steps up next and he invites him to strike. Elyan starts softly, not really wanting to attack his friend. He starts to get into it. A flash of anger crosses his face and his next strike knocks Merlin to the ground. Elyan continues beating Merlin's shield. King Arthur: Elyan! Elyan, in a fury now, doesn't stop and Arthur and the knights become concerned. Elyan raises to strike again and Arthur grabs his arm, stopping him. King Arthur: Elyan! I think he's had enough. Elyan relaxes. Merlin takes off his helmet. King Arthur (sarcastic): You all right down there, Merlin? Merlin mumbles a "no". King Arthur: Good. KING'S PALACE, ARMOURY - DAY Sir Percival: Well, Merlin will feel that in his arms tomorrow. Sir Gwaine: All this training, when will we see some real action? Leon and Percival chat. Elyan sees the sopping wet well boy in the corner between them.The well boy steps forward. Sir Elyan: No. Oh, no. Sir Leon: You all right? The well boy steps around Leon towards Elyan who backs away. Sir Elyan: Leave me alone! Elyan backs up into Gwaine. Gwaine shoves him off. Sir Gwaine: Watch yourself. Elyan shoves back and they struggle, Elyan still staring at the well boy, until Gwaine punches Elyan out cold. Sir Leon: Elyan! Leon goes to Elyan. Percival looks down at Elyan, and then back at Gwaine who shrugs. Sir Leon: Elyan. Elyan! Leon shakes Elyan, but he doesn't wake up. KING'S PALACE, ELYAN'S CHAMBER - DAY Gwaine and Leon look on as Gaius examines Elyan, lying on his bed with eyes wide and staring. Sir Leon: Why doesn't he speak? Gaius: I don't know. It's strange. Sir Gwaine: It's like he's lost his mind. Gaius: When I want your medical opinion, Gwaine, I'll ask for it. Leon looks at Gwaine and shakes his head. Gaius: Perhaps you'd leave me alone to treat my patient. They start to head out. Sir Gwaine: It would be better if Arthur didn't know of this. Gaius: Why do you want to keep it from Arthur? Sir Gwaine: Elyan hasn't been himself recently. He hasn't said anything, but he's clearly upset about his sister's banishment. Gaius: Yes, it must've been hard for him to see that happen to Gwen. Sir Leon: We wouldn't want Arthur to think that Elyan's loyalties are divided. Gaius: Well, I'm sure the King doesn't have to know about every accident that happens in Camelot. Sir Gwaine: Thank you, Gaius. Sir Leon: Thank you. Leon and Gwaine exit. Gaius: Elyan, can you hear me? Blink if you can hear me. Elyan doesn't move. Gaius picks up his medicine bag, the top drops to the floor and Gaius spots something as he bends to pick it up. It's the circle of salt. Gaius touches it, smells it and tastes it. Elyan continues his blank stare. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Arthur sits and stares out the window. Merlin: Would you like me to make up the bed, Sire, or will you be sleeping on the table again? (Arthur keeps quiet, lost in thought) Is this about Gwen? (Arthur looks down sadly) We all miss her. You more than anyone. King Arthur: You can go now. Merlin: Arthur... King Arthur: Get out! Merlin leaves and Arthur is left to his gloomy thoughts. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Merlin enters. He is angry. Merlin: I'm done trying to be nice to Arthur. I cook, I clean, I'm always there for him. Not to mention saving his life more times than I care to remember. Do I get any thanks? No. All he ever does is shout at me. Gaius doesn't respond, focused on his reading. Merlin: So now you're ignoring me. Great! I might as well not even exist. My name's Merlin. Don't worry, I'm not even here. Gaius (closes his book): I fear we may have more important things to worry about than Arthur shouting at you. Merlin: What is it? Gaius: Did Elyan disturb anything yesterday at the shrine? Merlin: I'm not sure. Gaius: I need you to be sure, Merlin. Merlin: I don't know. He may have done. I tried to warn them. You know what they're like. They don't listen. Gaius: I'm sorry, Merlin. It's just that I'm deeply concerned for Elyan. He hasn't spoken a word since he regained consciousness and I can find no physical symptoms to explain it. The only thing I could find was a pile of salt at the foot of his bed. Merlin: Oh, no. Gaius: What is it, Merlin? Merlin: He's trying to ward off an evil spirit. Gaius: With a pile of salt? That's utter nonsense. Merlin: Elyan believes it to be true. Gaius (sigh): Then I fear that Elyan may have disturbed the spirit at the shrine. Merlin: What? What will that do to him? Gaius: I dread to think what horror it might unleash. You must tell Arthur what happened at the shrine. You must tell him that Elyan is possessed. Merlin: Well, I'm not sure he'll believe me, not in the mood he's in. Gaius: You must make him believe you. KING'S PALACE, ELYAN'S CHAMBER - NIGHT Elyan wakes from the sound of dripping water. Elyan bolts up in bed when he sees the sopping wet druid boy. Sir Elyan: Leave me alone! Druid boy: Please. Don't be angry with me. Elyan processes the boy's words. Sir Elyan: I'm sorry. Elyan gets out of bed and approaches the boy. He tries to touch him but the boy backs away. Sir Elyan: It's all right. Don't be scared (touches the boy) You're so cold. Elyan hugs the child who hugs him back. Sir Elyan: It's all right (kneels down) What do you want from me? Druid boy: I want you to bring me peace. You must right the wrong that was done to me. Sir Elyan (nods): How? What should I do? Druid boy: It's easy. You must kill the King. Elyan tenses at the request, then nods. KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - NIGHT Elyan waits for guards to pass by. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Arthur is at his desk, reading. Elyan steps in silently, a sword at his hip. Arthur looks up, startled, then rolls his head in relief. King Arthur: Elyan, you startled me. Is everything all right? Elyan steps forward and draws his sword. King Arthur: Elyan? What the hell do you think you're doing!? Arthur falls back in his chair to avoid Elyan's sword as it slams down on the table. Arthur rolls out of the way as Elyan stabs the floor. The King uses a stool to block Elyan's strikes until it is slashed apart and Arthur is left with only the stool legs. King Arthur: Guards! Arthur tosses the stool legs at Elyan and grabs a larger, sturdier stool. Elyan continues to attack, but is distracted when the guards enter. Arthur throws the stool at Elyan, then bolts forward to grab him, but Elyan is already running out. The guards chase after him. KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - NIGHT Agravaine addresses the knights. Agravaine: I know Elyan is a friend to some of you, but that friendship ended when he tried to kill the King. Do not let him escape. Now, go find him! The knights disperse. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Merlin enters. Merlin: What happened? King Arthur: Elyan. He attacked me. Merlin: I think he's possessed. King Arthur: What do you mean "possessed"? Merlin: He may have disturbed a spirit at the shrine. I think that spirit's possessing him. Arthur seriously considers this. Merlin: Why else would he attack you? King Arthur: Well, when we catch him, I intend to ask him that very question. KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - NIGHT Sir Gwaine: I never thought I'd see the day we'd be hunting one of our own. Sir Leon: I just can't understand why he would attack Arthur. Sir Percival: Well, what would you do if your sister had been banished from Camelot? Sir Gwaine: Well, my sister's an evil old toad, so I'd be eternally grateful. Elyan dashes out from his hiding place at the end of the corridor. Sir Leon: There he is! They run after Elyan who picks up a bench and throws it at them. Then, he topples a candelabra, but they jump over it and catch him at a locked door. They face each other, swords at the ready, Elyan only has a dagger. Sir Leon: Elyan, we don't want to hurt you. Sir Gwaine: Put the knife down. Sir Percival: Why don't we all just put our weapons down and sort this out like friends? Percival sheathes his sword. Gwaine and Leon do likewise. Sir Elyan: I had to do it. Sir Percival: Of course you did (steps closer) We understand. We're your friends. Elyan puts the knife down and Percival slaps him unconscious. KING'S PALACE, DUNGEON - NIGHT Elyan is shoved into a cell by some guards. The guards leave and Elyan is freaked out by the dripping druid boy. Druid boy: You failed me. Sir Elyan (terrified): I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY Agravaine: Elyan must be tried and punished in accordance with our laws. King Arthur: But that would mean putting him to death. Agravaine: Well, so be it. You can't afford to show favouritism. King Arthur: What if Elyan wasn't acting of his own volition? Agravaine: What do you mean? King Arthur: Merlin believes that Elyan has been possessed by some kind of spirit. Agravaine: Oh. I have no doubt he's just trying to protect his friend. Merlin: Why else would Elyan attack Arthur? Agravaine (to King Arthur): His motive is obvious. He seeks revenge. You banished his sister from Camelot. Merlin: I know Elyan, and no matter what he feels about his sister, he would never attack Arthur. Agravaine: Arthur, you must see. All this talk of possession and spirits, it's just a ruse to save Elyan's neck. King Arthur: But what if it is true? I'd be executing an innocent man. More than that, I'd be executing a friend. Agravaine: You cannot be seen to allow someone to try and kill you and then escape punishment. You will appear weak. That puts the whole of Camelot in Peril. Merlin: Arthur... King Arthur: Leave me (Merlin is disappointed)...Both of you. Slightly bewildered, Agravaine follows Merlin out. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - DAY Merlin: Agravaine is just pushing for Elyan's execution. Gaius: Arthur may have no choice but to sentence Elyan to death. Merlin: We can't allow that to happen. Gaius: What do you propose we do, Merlin? Merlin: There must be a way of ridding Elyan of the spirit that possesses him. Gaius: It would require very powerful magic Merlin: Then I must master it to save Elyan's life. Gaius: And you intend to expel the spirit in the cells, under the noses of the guards? Merlin: Of course not. First we need to break Elyan out of the cells. Did I miss out that part? Gaius laughs nervously. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Merlin emerges from his room. Gaius brings him a flask. Gaius: Elyan will have to be unconscious when you expel the spirit. I put a powerful sedative in this water. Merlin takes it. Gaius: And Merlin, remember, Elyan is not himself. You cannot trust him. Merlin: I know. KING'S PALACE, DUNGEONS - NIGHT Merlin looks down at the guards from the stairs. He sees a barrel nearby. Merlin (casts a spell): *Strangaþ bydenfæt* His spell knocks the barrel over. The guards approach it. His eyes glow and the barrel rolls down the corridor and the guards follow it. Merlin (casts another spell) *Wyrþ gatu fæst!* His eyes glow and the gates behind the guards shut. Merlin unlocks Elyan's door cell. Sir Elyan (surprised): Merlin! Merlin: I don't have time to explain. You have to trust me. Elyan gets up and they head down the tunnels. Merlin unlocks another gate. The warning bells ring and they start to run. They emerge outside the city. Merlin: We need to make it to the cover of the woods. FOREST - NIGHT Merlin and Elyan run through the woods. They stop, panting. Sir Elyan: You know, Merlin, you're much braver than you look. Merlin: Are you calling me a coward? They laugh. Sir Elyan: I'm saying there's not many people with the courage to break someone out of the cells. Merlin: I had to do it. They were going to execute you. I know that you would never hurt Arthur. Not of your own volition. Elyan looks sharply at Merlin. Merlin: After all that running, you must be thirsty. Merlin hands him the flask. Elyan takes it with a smile, but he sees the druid boy shake his head behind Merlin. Sir Elyan: Where are my manners? You must be thirsty, too. Merlin: No, after you. Sir Elyan: No, no, after you. I insist. Merlin: No, I had some water earlier. If I have too much, I have to pee all the time. Ask Arthur, I'm always peeing. What are you looking at? Merlin looks at Elyan's line of sight. He sees nothing, but appears disturbed. Sir Elyan: I'm sorry, Merlin. Merlin: For what? Elyan knocks him out and looks at the soaked druid boy. Sir Elyan I won't fail you again. [SCENE_BREAK] KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - DAY Gaius treats Merlin's head wound. Merlin: Just before he jumped me, there was a presence there. I could sense it. Gaius: It was Elyan who was supposed to be knocked out, not you, Merlin. Merlin: I must find Arthur. Elyan could make another attempt on his life. Gaius: After Elyan's escape, Arthur was put under heavy guard. There's little more you can do to protect him. This shrine...do you think you could find it again? Merlin: I'm not sure I want to. You said I was never to go there again. Gaius: We have to find out all we can about this spirit. Unless we know what we're dealing with, we won't be able to help Elyan or Arthur. FOREST - DAY Merlin leads Gaius to the shrine. Merlin stops. Gaius: Merlin? Merlin: It's just through these trees. They enter the shrine. Merlin: What are we looking for? Gaius: I'm not entirely sure. But remember, don't disturb anything. Merlin: Trust me, I won't. They split up to look around. Merlin hears a crunch of wood and turns sharply. Gaius (whisper): Sorry! Merlin hears whispers and crying and finds the well that Elyan drank from. He looks into it and hears wailing voices. He gasps, sniffles and wipes tears from his eyes after having had a vision of the Druids' fate in the well. Merlin: Gaius! Gaius: What is it, Merlin? Merlin: Something terrible happened here. Gaius (studies the well): These runes are in the druid tongue. I also found this (holds up an arrow) There are crossbow bolts scattered all around. Merlin: This was Uther's doing, wasn't it? Gaius: It is revenge for Uther's crime that the spirit seeks. KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY Merlin enters while Arthur is reading over some documents. Arthur looks up stonily. King Arthur: Merlin, good of you to join me. Perhaps I should fill you in on all that's been happening while you've been...that's a good question. What the hell have you been doing? Merlin: I was... King Arthur: Choose your next words carefully. They may be your last. Merlin: I was searching...in the woods for some herbs for Gaius, very rare herbs, hard to find, actually, and I got lost. King Arthur: You mean to tell me that you've been wandering around in the woods all night? Merlin: Yes. King Arthur: What happened to your head? Merlin: I...I tripped over a root...and I hit my head on a tree and I knocked myself out. Merlin tries to chuckle at his own supposed clumsiness. Arthur's not fooled. King Arthur: Mm. Well, after wandering around in the woods all night, knocking yourself out, you must be hungry. Merlin: I'm starving. King Arthur: Pull up a chair. Tuck in. Merlin: Oh, thank you so very much, I am actu...you're joking. Arthur gives Merlin a blank stare as confirmation. Merlin takes away Arthur's plate of food and exits. Arthur continues with his reading. KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY Merlin stops behind a column to finish off Arthur's breakfast when he sees a hand sticking out of an open door. It's an unconscious guard. Merlin: Oh, no. Merlin drops the plate. KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY One of the guards behind Arthur drops without a sound. Arthur gets up and the other guard drops. Arthur turns to see Elyan stepping around a column with a cross bow aimed at him. Arthur dodges it and it hits his throne. Meanwhile, Merlin runs back to the council chamber. Arthur takes one of the guards' swords and Elyan draws one. King Arthur: Why are you doing this? Elyan is sopping wet. Arthur draws back, confused and unsettled. Possessed Sir Elyan (in druid boy's voice): I must avenge my death. Possessed Sir Elyan attacks and Arthur parries. King Arthur: What've you done to Elyan? They continue to fight and Merlin arrives at the council chamber door, but it's locked. Merlin (muffled): Arthur! King Arthur: Don't make me kill you, I don't want to kill you. They continue fighting. Outside the room, Merlin's eyes glow and the council chamber door busts open. He breaks into the room, distracting possessed Sir Elyan. Arthur throws Elyan to the floor, making him drop his sword, and steps forward, sword poised for the kill. Merlin: Stop! That's not the Elyan we know! Arthur looks down at the now-defenceless possessed Sir Elyan on the floor and backs away. Possessed Sir Elyan gets up and runs off. Merlin: You let him go? Arthur breathes harshly, a dark look on his face. KING'S PALACE, THRONE ROOM - DAY Gaius and Merlin wait as Agravaine reports to Arthur. Agravaine: The palace is secure. No one is able to get in or out, and we're searching the lower town even as I speak. Fear not, my Lord, Elyan will be hunted down and slain. I'll see to it personally. King Arthur: Thank you, Uncle. Agravaine nods and exits. Arthur turns to Gaius and Merlin. Merlin: You know that isn't Elyan or you wouldn't have let him go. Arthur nods. King Arthur: When Elyan spoke to me, it wasn't with his voice. It was the voice of a boy, a child. Gaius: That is the voice of the spirit that now possesses him. King Arthur: What do you know about the shrine, Gaius? Gaius: I believe the site was once a druid camp. There is evidence that the camp was attacked. Your father was relentless in his persecution of the druids. Many died. I believe it is one of those tormented souls that now possesses Elyan. King Arthur: And that's why he seeks his revenge. Gaius: The spirit craves peace. He wishes to find his proper place in the other world, but the unjust nature of his death has denied him that. King Arthur: Is there anything that can be done to change this? Gaius: In druid lore, only the atonement of the perpetrator can bring the spirit peace. Merlin: But Uther's dead. He can't atone for what he did. Gaius: Indeed. King Arthur: What about Elyan? Gaius: Elyan is no longer the man you knew. The spirit has a hold on him that may be too powerful to break. All we can hope is that he'll be found before he has a chance to enact his revenge. King Arthur: And if we do find him? Gaius: Then I fear you have no choice...but to kill him. ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Arthur broods while Merlin clears the table. Merlin: It's not your fault. You can't be held responsible for everything your father did. King Arthur: That'll be all, Merlin. Thank you. Merlin: Are you sure you don't want me to stay? King Arthur: I think I'm going to get an early night. Merlin: I'm pretty tired, too, what with having spent the night in the woods. King Arthur: No one said anything about you getting an early night, Merlin. In fact, you can make up for your little escapade by polishing my armour. KING'S PALACE, ARMOURY - NIGHT Merlin polishes Arthur's armour. KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - NIGHT Merlin walks to his chambers and sees Arthur walk down the corridor behind him wrapped in a cloak. Merlin follows. KING'S PALACE, TUNNELS - NIGHT Arthur bears a torch as he walks through the castle tunnels. Merlin follows. FOREST - NIGHT Arthur heads through the woods, Merlin close behind. Merlin loses sight of him. He searches and turns at something behind him but no one's there. Arthur steps up behind Merlin, hood pulled down. King Arthur: Merlin. Merlin spins around. Merlin: Fancy meeting you here. King Arthur: What the hell are you doing creeping around in the woods? Merlin: I'm following you. What the hell are you doing creeping around in the woods? Arthur takes off his cloak. King Arthur: Something I should've done a long time ago. Merlin: Elyan could be out here. Do you know how dangerous that is? King Arthur: I have to face him. Feel free to go back to Camelot anytime you like. Arthur continues on. Merlin follows. Arthur stops and looks back at him. King Arthur: You're not going back then? Merlin: Thought I might tag along. Don't want you getting lost and scared. Arthur smiles and keeps walking. FOREST, DRUID SHRINE - NIGHT They approach and stop just outside the flags. Merlin: Are you sure you want to do this? Maybe we should wait until it's light. Arthur ignores him. Merlin: Or we could just do it now. Whatever it is that we're doing, in the dark, when it's incredibly scary and dangerous. They reach the centre of the shrine. Arthur puts his sword away. Merlin: Is that a good idea? We might be needing it. King Arthur: I'm not sure a sword would be much use against a spirit. Merlin: What about against Elyan? Arthur ignores him. King Arthur (loudly): I'm here! That's what you want, isn't it? Merlin: What are you doing? King Arthur (looks at Merlin): Everything Gaius said about this place is right except for one thing. It wasn't my father that led the raid on the druid camp. I did. Possessed Sir Elyan appears. Arthur faces him. Possessed Sir Elyan (in druid boy's voice): My blood is on your hands. I cannot rest because of what you did. King Arthur: I know. Arthur holds his hands out and kneels. King Arthur (begins to cry): I am responsible for what happened to you. And for all the violence that happened here. When I led the attack on your camp, I was young and inexperienced. I was desperate to prove myself to my men, to my...father. Possessed Sir Elyan walks closer. King Arthur (still crying): I told the men to spare the women and children, but I know that some of them ignored the order. And there was so much happening. I wanted to stop it...I froze. I didn't know what to do. Possessed Sir Elyan steps closer. King Arthur (breaking down): I can still hear the screams. I cannot right this wrong. Nothing I can ever do will change the horrors that happened that day. But I can promise that, now that I am King, I will do everything that I can to prevent anything like this ever happening again. From this day forth, the Druid people will be treated with the respect they deserve. I give you my word. Possessed Elyan draws his sword. King Arthur: I am truly sorry for what happened to you. Arthur prepares himself for the blow, breathing hard but possessed Elyan drops his sword. Arthur is surprised. Possessed Elyan takes Arthur by the shoulders to bring him to his feet. He looks into Arthur's face and hugs him. Possessed Sir Elyan (whisper): I forgive you. Possessed Sir Elyan steps away and the spirit leaves Elyan's body. Arthur watches it in awe. Elyan rouses, but stumbles forward, and Arthur catches him. Sir Elyan: Arthur? Elyan faints as tears run down Arthur's cheeks. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - DAY Merlin enters with Arthur's laundry. Arthur looks up from his reading. King Arthur: How's Elyan? Is he going to be all right? Merlin: Gaius says he's going to make a full recovery. Arthur considers for a moment as Merlin puts the clothes in the closet. Merlin: You know, that was incredibly moving what you said at the shrine. King Arthur: As long as Elyan's going to be all right, it served its purpose. Merlin: It wasn't just about Elyan, though, was it? You meant it. I know you did. King Arthur: Does this have a point, Merlin? Merlin: I don't think I've ever seen you cry before. Not like that. You had tears running down your cheeks. It's nice to see this new sensitive, emotional side to you. It suits you. King Arthur: Shut up, Merlin. Merlin: I really thought you'd changed. King Arthur (closes the book): Then you're as stupid as you are ugly. Arthur walks off. Merlin: So, there's no chance that we could have a hug? Merlin opens his arms and Arthur stops on his way to the door. Arthur glares as he turns around and Merlin starts an attempted runaway as they go off screen.

Plan: A: an eerie Old Religion shrine; Q: What do the Camelot Knights stumble across? A: Elyan; Q: Who drinks from the well? A: Merlin's warning; Q: What did Elyan ignore? A: a drowned child's spirit; Q: What does Elyan see after drinking from the well? A: Arthur; Q: Who led the attack on the druids' camp? A: Agravaine; Q: Who pressures Arthur to execute Elyan? A: Gaius; Q: Who tells Arthur the spirit won't rest in peace until the crime is atoned for? A: one; Q: How many of Uther's ruthless slayings of druids took place at the shrine? A: druids; Q: Who did Uther kill at the shrine? Summary: The Camelot Knights stumble across an eerie Old Religion shrine deep in the forest. Elyan ignores Merlin's warning, and drinks from the well. After returning to Camelot, Elyan starts seeing a drowned child's spirit who finally possesses him, and orders him to kill Arthur. Elyan's attack on Arthur fails but Agravaine pressures Arthur to execute him. Gaius and Merlin find the shrine, which was the place of one of Uther's ruthless slaying of druids. After Arthur realizes Elyan is possessed when he tries to kill him again, Gaius tells him the spirit won't rest in peace until the crime is atoned for. At the shrine, Arthur reveals to Merlin he was the one who led the attack on the druids' camp. Arthur swears to the spirit something like that won't happen again, and the spirit forgives him, leaving Elyan.

5:50pm - 6:15pm 1: EXT. JUNGLE (In the midst of a dense jungle lies a man - JEFF GARVEY, dressed in a military-style tunic and covered in dirt and grime. He appears to be unconscious. The air is filled with the sounds of animal life, and suddenly there is one cry louder and closer than the rest. This rouses GARVEY into consciousness. He opens his eyes and sits up, looking round in terror. Then he cries out, as if in pain, and presses his hands to his temples. His face creases up in agony but then clears. He then smiles and rises to his feet, un-holstering a gun from his belt.) JEFF GARVEY: I...I remember now. I must...I must kill...I must kill...I must kill. (He sets off into the dense undergrowth, one thought clear in his mind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. SCOUT SHIP (In another part of the jungle, a scout ship sits in the middle of a clearing which its rockets made in landing. Four tail fins sink into the ground. Each one is emblazoned with the words "UN - DEEP SPACE FORCE GROUP 1" and the Union Jack. Beside the ship are two of its crew members. MARC CORY, also dressed in a military-style uniform, looks anxiously at GORDON LOWERY whose head and shoulders are inside a large hole in the side of the ship, apparently effecting repairs.) GORDON LOWERY: Why you ever wanted to land on a planet like this in the first place, I'll never know. This is getting on my nerves. (One particularly loud squeal emanates from the jungle. The two men look towards the sound.) MARC CORY: I hate to think what kind of an animal makes a noise like that. GORDON LOWERY: Yeah, they're getting closer. MARC CORY: Yes, all the more reason to...stop talking and get on with the job. (LOWERY takes offence at this remark and looks hard at CORY.) GORDON LOWERY: Just you listen to me, Cory. I know my orders were to let you have full reign, and you've certainly taken advantage of that. But as Captain of this expedition, my first responsibility is to get this ship off the ground. So just...cut the chat. Some other time, hmm? Bring that wrench. (MARC CORY removes a tool from the toolbox and follows LOWERY who returns to his repair work.) MARC CORY: How's it going? GORDON LOWERY: Ah, it's slow. Flare-back melted the retaining bolts - it's just solid lumps of Tarnium. (He manages to pull away part of the damage equipment.) GORDON LOWERY: Ah, got some of it free. MARC CORY: I want to have a look round. GORDON LOWERY: Listen, if we don't shoot off soon, we won't make it to the rendezvous with the freighter, you know? If we're not in the pick-up orbit, they won't wait. MARC CORY: You'll make it, Lowery. Here you are. (CORY hands the wrench to LOWERY.) GORDON LOWERY: I'm doing the best I can. I didn't want to touch down on this lousy planet in the first place, remember? MARC CORY: Let's not start that again. Just get on with the job would you? (CORY looks round into the jungle.) MARC CORY: Where the devil's Garvey? He should be back by now. GORDON LOWERY: No idea. Pass that screwdriver, will you? (CORY rummages in the tool box as LOWERY disappears back into the hole in the side of the ship. Meanwhile, JEFF GARVEY is watching them from behind nearby foliage. While CORY is momentarily distracted, GARVEY slips unnoticed from behind the jungle cover, so that only the ship itself is between him and his prey. His mind continues to focus on the one goal, which he speaks out loud like an oath.) JEFF GARVEY: Kill! Kill! (He edges forward. On the other side of the ship, LOWERY has removed one of the damaged components.) GORDON LOWERY: Ahh. Managed to get some of it free. Look at it - useless! Get me a spare, will you? (CORY starts to dig through the toolbox again.) GORDON LOWERY: No, in the ship. (MARC CORY heads back inside the craft. In the meantime, JEFF GARVEY takes the opportunity to get closer to his prey, a pistol raised. The unsuspecting GORDON LOWERY continues his repairs, unaware of the danger. He calls out to CORY in the ship.) GORDON LOWERY: Ah, it's no good, Cory. You needn't bother with a spare. I'm just not gonna be able to fix it. (GARVEY appears round the side of the ship and aims at LOWERY. Just as he starts to squeeze the trigger, a blaster is heard, and LOWERY spins around quickly enough to see GARVEY ringed in blaster fire before falling face down - dead. Behind him, CORY stands in the ship's hatchway, pistol drawn.) GORDON LOWERY: Jeff! Jeff! (He jumps to JEFF GARVEY'S side, turning him over.) GORDON LOWERY: You've killed him. You've killed Jeff! MARC CORY: It was him or you. GORDON LOWERY: You didn't give him a chance. You shot him down like an animal. You just shot him down! (He jumps at CORY, hands outstretched to choke him. However, he finds himself lying breathless next to GARVEY, as a result of the punch to the stomach. CORY moves to examine GARVEY, and removes something from below his ear, which he shows to LOWERY.) MARC CORY: A Varga thorn. GORDON LOWERY: Wha? V...varga? (LOWERY reaches out to touch it.) MARC CORY: Careful! Don't prick yourself with it...or you'll end up the way Garvey is. I'd have to kill you. GORDON LOWERY: What do you mean? MARC CORY: Let's get back into the ship. GORDON LOWERY: What about his personal effects - for his family? MARC CORY: All right. But hurry up. (LOWERY starts to collect GARVEY'S belongings and then the two men enter the rocket ship. Once they are inside, the fingers on one of GARVEY'S hands starts to twitch. Long white hairs are growing out of it and amongst the hair are spines.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. SCOUT SHIP (The interior of the ship is very cramped. Most of the space is taken up by three acceleration couch-like seats and the flight instruments. MARC CORY and GORDON LOWERY stand by the control panels, as CORY tries to explain his actions.) MARC CORY: I didn't intend to tell you anything, but since we're stuck on this planet and Garvey is dead, there are some facts that you're entitled to know. GORDON LOWERY: Yeah - Jeff Garvey's dead. I mean, we flew together for the last ten years, and now he's dead, and you killed him. You'd better explain that fact and make it good. MARC CORY: Sit down and take a look at this. (LOWERY sits. CORY removes a small document from a pocket and gives it to him. LOWERY reads it to himself, then looks up at CORY.) GORDON LOWERY: Huh! I might have known - "Space Security Service - Licensed to kill". MARC CORY: That's right. GORDON LOWERY: Well count me out. (He removes another document from the same pocket.) MARC CORY: This other document gives me the authority to enlist the aid of any persons - civil or military. You were just enlisted. (He also hands it to LOWERY who looks over it.) MARC CORY: From now on, Lowery, you can take your orders from me. GORDON LOWERY: Yeah, all right, all right. But I don't fully understand - better fill in a few details. MARC CORY: All right. (CORY sits down on one of the couches.) MARC CORY: I suppose you've heard of the Daleks? GORDON LOWERY: (Thinks.) The Daleks invaded Earth a thousand years ago. MARC CORY: That's right. Well, they haven't been active in our galaxy for some time now, but that doesn't mean they've exactly been sitting around. In the last five hundred years, they've gained control of over seventy planets in Ninth Galactic System and forty more in the Constellation of Miros. GORDON LOWERY: Don't see why that should concern us. I mean, they're both millions of light years away from our galaxy. MARC CORY: Mmm...that's what we all thought. But about a week ago, we had a report from the captain of a space freighter. His navigator spotted a...a space ship of a type never before used in our system. He saw it only for a second but he gave us a good description. GORDON LOWERY: So? MARC CORY: What he described...was a Dalek spaceship. (LOWERY looks shocked.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. SCOUT SHIP (Outside the ship, JEFF GARVEY'S lower body twitches with life. His feet and legs are covered with thick white hair and spines. As he struggles to his "feet", his upper body is also covered with a mass of white hair, his human identity almost lost.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. SCOUT SHIP (CORY is using the radio, desperately attempting to make contact with their intended rendezvous target.) MARC CORY: (Into radio.) Freighter XM2, freighter XM2 - come in please, come in please! (All that is coming out of the radio is static.) GORDON LOWERY: Can you make it work? MARC CORY: It's got to work! GORDON LOWERY: It may have been damaged in the crash. MARC CORY: We must keep on trying! GORDON LOWERY: Have you tested the link pulses? MARC CORY: (Snaps.) I know what I'm doing. GORDON LOWERY: All right, all right, so the link pulses work. There could be something else wrong with it. What about the vergometer? Have you tested that? Without that you'd never break through the atmosphere. MARC CORY: How can I possibly test that? We've just got to take our chance that it hasn't been damaged. (CORY turns back to the radio.) MARC CORY: (Into radio.) Freighter XM2. Freighter XM2, come in please! Come in please! (CORY waits and listens for a response. Static remains the only response. CORY switches off the set and sighs.) MARC CORY: It's useless. Are you sure we can't repair this ship? GORDON LOWERY: Oh, not a chance. [SCENE_BREAK] . So you think that the Daleks have established some sort of a base here, is that it? MARC CORY: It could be. This is the most hostile planet in the universe. People from other civilisations avoid it. I suddenly had a hunch...that this might make an ideal place for any secret preparations that the Daleks wanted to make. That's why we brought this ship down here. GORDON LOWERY: Did you tell anybody else about this hunch of yours? MARC CORY: No one - not even your commander. GORDON LOWERY: (Smiles.) Huh! MARC CORY: I just asked for a couple of men and a small rocket. I didn't even tell him what for. GORDON LOWERY: Then why are you telling me? (CORY holds up the thorn again.) MARC CORY: Because of this - a thorn from a Varga plant. A thing...part animal, part vegetable, looks like a cactus. The poison attacks the brain. Rational thought is replaced by an overwhelming desire to kill. Eventually the poison seeps through the system and the victim is gradually transformed...into a Varga. GORDON LOWERY: Well, what's that gotta do with the Daleks? MARC CORY: The only place in the universe where Vargas grow naturally is on the Daleks' own planet, Skaro. If the Vargas are here, the Daleks are too. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM (And sure enough, the DALEKS are present on Kemble. In a control room, several DALEKS attend to various controls. All eye stalks turn towards the doorway as the darker cased DALEK SUPREME enters.) DALEK SUPREME: I will receive your reports. (It looks towards a DALEK.) DALEK SUPREME: First - space monitor control. (A DALEK moves forward.) FIRST DALEK: Space monitor control. The emissaries from the seven planets will arrive as arranged. DALEK SUPREME: Then the conference will begin at first sun. (It looks towards a SECOND DALEK.) DALEK SUPREME: Security report? (The SECOND DALEK moves forward.) SECOND DALEK: Security control. Position of alien space craft located. Our patrol will reach it shortly. DALEK SUPREME: The ship and its occupants must be totally destroyed. Destroyed! Destroyed! SECOND DALEK: It will be done. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. SCOUT SHIP (NIGHT) (Night has fallen. The jungle noises seem louder now, and MARC CORY appears more anxious to finish his mission and get off the planet. Noticing movement in nearby bushes, he darts into the undergrowth, where he can make out three lumbering shapes in the darkness - Vargas. He darts back to the rocket where GORDON LOWERY breaks off from working on a small object which resembles a miniature launching pad with a smaller rocket attached. ) GORDON LOWERY: Is anything out there? MARC CORY: Vargas - they're closing in. GORDON LOWERY: (Startled.) Do you mean to say they can move? MARC CORY: Very slowly - look. (He points into the night and LOWERY looks in the indicated direction.) MARC CORY: They use ther...their roots to drag themselves along. How long are you gonna be with this...this rescue beacon? (LOWERY holds up a small mechanism.) GORDON LOWERY: Well this is the recording part. Let's hope it wasn't damaged in the crash. MARC CORY: We'll soon find out. Can you fix this capsule up? GORDON LOWERY: Well that's easy enough, but this is the recording mechanism for the message. If we sent the rocket into space without this, not only would we not be rescued, but if you put it up early, no one would even know we were here. MARC CORY: (Impatiently.) Hurry up and attach it then. GORDON LOWERY: All right, all right! I'm as keen to get out of here as you are. (He re-starts work on the rescue beacon.) GORDON LOWERY: Give me those pliers will you? MARC CORY: Ah... (CORY hands him the pliers.) GORDON LOWERY: Nearly finished. MARC CORY: Good. I don't know how long we've got. Now the Daleks must know we're here. They'll be coming for us soon. GORDON LOWERY: Well I still think you're jumping to conclusions, you know. I mean, just 'cos these...what are they...Varga things grow here, it's no proof that the Daleks are here too. MARC CORY: Take my word for it, they're here all right. GORDON LOWERY: Yes, but couldn't these Varga things grow here naturally? I mean...it's possible, isn't it? MARC CORY: No, they were developed in Dalek laboratories. They grow them to give themselves protection. GORDON LOWERY: Well if they're synthetic, that means they... MARC CORY: (Angrily shouts.) Look, stop asking questions and get on with the work! (LOWERY is shocked into silence. He grows sullen.) GORDON LOWERY: All right... (CORY stares into the night again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. JUNGLE (NIGHT) (Three DALEKS are on patrol in pursuit of the scout ship crew. One of the DALEKS has one of the compass-like perceptor devices in place of the usual sucker. The patrol halts.) FIRST DALEK: Perceptor readings indicated alien space craft. We will close on it from two directions. DALEKS: We obey. (The patrol splits up and moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. SCOUT SHIP (NIGHT) (LOWERY works feverishly, while CORY stands on watch, frustrated at his inability to assist. LOWERY looks up momentarily and sees that the Vargas are creeping closer.) GORDON LOWERY: Those things are getting too close for comfort. I'll fix 'em. (LOWERY stops work and brandishes a blaster to take aim but...) MARC CORY: It's no good, Lowery. They'll only grow again as fast as you can shoot them. GORDON LOWERY: At least I'll have had a try at 'em. MARC CORY: Get back to the beacon. (LOWERY sees the determination in CORY'S manner and does as instructed.) MARC CORY: You sure it'll work? GORDON LOWERY: Well it should work - it's standard safety equipment on all rocket ships. MARC CORY: What does it do exactly? (He holds up the recorder.) GORDON LOWERY: Well, you record the message, SOS, on this, just like an ordinary tape recorder. (He hands CORY the recorder.) GORDON LOWERY: The rocket launcher shoots it high into orbit, once it's in orbit it transmits the message - simple. MARC CORY: From what we know about the Daleks, we've got to be picked up. GORDON LOWERY: Well it's tuned into a special frequency - and there are listening posts all over the galaxy. Our people should get the message. MARC CORY: And all we have to do...is to stay alive until they get here. (LOWERY turns back to the launcher. A ship rumbles overhead, its landing lights casting shadows across the jungle. MARC CORY and GORDON LOWERY look up at it.) GORDON LOWERY: That's the biggest rocket ship I've ever seen. It's like nothing we've got. MARC CORY: It's from an outer galaxy. GORDON LOWERY: Yeah, but what's it doing in a God-forsaken planet like this? MARC CORY: I don't know. But I'll tell you this - there's something very big going on here, and if the Daleks are involved, you can bet your life our whole galaxy is in danger! [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. JUNGLE (NIGHT) (One of the DALEK patrols has also spotted the arriving ship.) FIRST DALEK: The ship from the planet Gearon... SECOND DALEK: ...and the beginning of the Great Alliance. (They resume their advance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. SCOUT SHIP (NIGHT) (GORDON LOWERY finishes his repairs and puts down his tools with a sigh of relief.) GORDON LOWERY: That should just about do it. Give me the capsule will you. I'll record the message. (He sees that MARC CORY'S attention is on the surrounding jungle.) GORDON LOWERY: What is it? MARC CORY: There's something out there moving. GORDON LOWERY: Vargas? MARC CORY: No. Moving too quickly. Come on, we've gotta...gotta get away. (He turns away and prepares to leave.) GORDON LOWERY: What about the distress signal? MARC CORY: Take it with us, launch it as soon as we get a chance. GORDON LOWERY: All right. Which way? MARC CORY: Over here. (LOWERY picks up the capsule launcher and CORY indicates a direction, making sure to point out the deadly thorns of the nearby Varga plants.) MARC CORY: They won't be the only ones, so watch out. (CORY and LOWERY move off into the jungle, carefully avoiding the Varga plants. Just before they disappear into the undergrowth, the DALEK patrol arrives in the clearing.) GORDON LOWERY: Cory! MARC CORY: Get down and don't make a sound! (They duck under nearby bushes and observe the three DALEKS. One of them looks inside the ship and then faces its companions.) SECOND DALEK: The ship is empty. The crew has gone. FIRST DALEK: We will search for them. Destroy the ship. Fire! (CORY and LOWERY watch helplessly as the ship disintegrates under the DALEKS' fire.) GORDON LOWERY: It's just falling apart! MARC CORY: Come on! (CORY heads off into the jungle and LOWERY follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. JUNGLE (NIGHT) (As CORY strides ahead, LOWERY pushes aside a clump of bushes and then recoils his hand in alarm. He has been pricked by a Varga thorn. He looks at it for a moment and then realises what has happened. He removes it from his palm and tries to suck the poison out. He hears a movement and removes his hand from his mouth. CORY comes back.) MARC CORY: Come on man! Come on! They'll be looking for us now! (LOWERY hesitates and then follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. SCOUT SHIP (NIGHT) (The three DALEKS are standing by the twisted wreck of the scout ship.) FIRST DALEK: Report destruction of alien ship to control. SECOND DALEK: I obey. FIRST DALEK: Advise that we will now seek out the crew. Alert all patrols. DALEKS: We obey. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. DALEK CITY. CONFERENCE ROOM (NIGHT) (In a large darkened conference room are the representatives of the seven galaxies. Trantis is hunched with dark hair and a face from which hang short tendrils. Gearon has a featureless, egg-shaped head and wears a visor. Strangest of all is Sentreal, who is all black, apart from two burning, bright eyes in his cylindrical head. His body looks as though it consists of several open cones stacked on top of each other. Beaus and Warrien both wear protective suits and helmets. Beaus' face and visor are dark and his helmet has an antenna on top. Warrien appears to have a human face beneath his cowled helmet. MALPHA is tall and well built. His face looks like a patchwork, with a network of dark veins on pale skin. The seventh species is, of course, the DALEKS. The representatives are grouped in the centre of the room around a large circular table, on top of which is a representation of the solar system. The centre of this is a large, bright light representing the Sun. Around it, on the surface of the table, are concentric rings representing the orbits of the planets - the planets themselves each being represented by a light.) DALEK SUPREME: With the arrival of our ally, Malpha, we are enough. The meeting can now begin. (MALPHA interrupts in a deep guttural voice.) MALPHA: No it can't. DALEK SUPREME: What is wrong? MALPHA: There is a hostile presence among us. DALEK SUPREME: What do you mean? MALPHA: On arrival here, I am told that there are hostile influences from the solar system among us. (There are general sounds of displeasure from the alien delegates.) DALEK SUPREME: Not among us. MALPHA: Then here - on the planet Kembel. DALEK SUPREME: Some beings have landed from the planet Earth - hostile beings from the centre of the solar system. But do not worry, their spaceship has been destroyed. MALPHA: What about the beings? DALEK SUPREME: They cannot escape. At this moment they are being hunted down. They will be destroyed. MALPHA: Are you sure? DALEK SUPREME: They cannot get away. MALPHA: Suppose they send a message through this universe? DALEK SUPREME: They will not have time. If they do not die by our Varga plants, my patrols will kill them! (The DALEK SUPREME'S voice rises...) DALEK SUPREME: They will be exterminated! Exterminated! [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. JUNGLE (NIGHT) (CORY and LOWERY are still making their way through the jungle. CORY does not notice the look of worry on LOWERY'S face.) MARC CORY: This way. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. DALEK CITY. CONFERENCE ROOM (NIGHT) (The conference reaches its conclusion...) ALIEN ONE: Agreed. ALIEN TWO: Agreed. DALEK SUPREME: All are agreed. It is done. The seven great powers of the outer galaxies are one. (The aliens make various shouts of triumph, speaking over one another.) ALIEN THREE: Our galactic domination... ALIEN FOUR: Victory... ALIEN FIVE: We are the mightiest in the universe! (The noise subsides.) MALPHA: This is indeed an historic moment in the history of the universe! We six from the outer galaxies, joining with the power from the solar system - the Daleks! The seven of us represent the greatest war force ever assembled! Conquest is assured! (MALPHA steps from behind his lectern and moves to the map of the solar system. As he announces each planet, he points to the light representing that planet.) MALPHA: Mars! Venus! Jupiter! The moon colonies! DALEK SUPREME: They will all fall before our might. But the first of them will be...Earth! (The DALEK SUPREME'S arm comes to rest on the representation of the Earth.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. JUNGLE (NIGHT) (LOWERY is resting on a small rock. He tries to suck the poison from his palm. Then he notices the back of his hand. He sees that both it and his forearm are covered with white Varga spines. He starts to sob with pain and fear, and shakes all over. He hears CORY returning from a short recce and hastily covers his arm. CORY immediately starts to work on the distress beacon and is too busy to notice his colleague's odd behaviour.) MARC CORY: We've got to get this capsule off - and fast. There's a city down there - a Dalek city. I got quite close. Close enough to hear an announcement through the loudspeaker system. GORDON LOWERY: And what did they...? MARC CORY: Our whole galaxy is to be invaded and destroyed! (Unseen behind him, LOWERY is finally succumbing to the poison of the Varga thorn.) GORDON LOWERY: Kill... MARC CORY: What? GORDON LOWERY: You must kill... (LOWERY raises his blaster and CORY turns and realises what has happened.) MARC CORY: (Shocked.) The Varga! GORDON LOWERY: That's right. I'll soon...soon I shall be one of them...Kill...Kill! (CORY is quicker to pull out his own gun and shoots LOWERY who collapses "dead" with a groan. Realising that it is only a matter of time before the DALEKS find him, CORY picks up the recording unit from the beacon, switches it on and starts to speak into it. The machine whirrs as is records his speech.) MARC CORY: (Into recorder.) This is Marc Cory, Special Security Service, reporting from the planet Kembel. The Daleks are planning the complete destruction of our galaxy. Together with the powers of the outer galaxies, a war force is being assembled... [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. JUNGLE (NIGHT) (Nearby, the three DALEKS, one of them still checking its perceptor instrument, close in on CORY'S position.) FIRST DALEK: Seismic detector is registering. SECOND DALEK: The crew from the rocket ship must be in this direction. FIRST DALEK: Are they to be taken for questioning? SECOND DALEK: No. They are to be exterminated. Destroy them on sight. Destroy and exterminate! DALEKS: We obey. (They glide on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. JUNGLE (NIGHT) (MARC CORY continues his message, getting more and more terrified of the impending DALEK arrival.) MARC CORY: (Into recorder.) If our galaxy is to be saved, whoever receives this message must relay this information to Earth immediately. It...it is vital that...defence mechanisms are put into operation at once! Message ends. (Just as CORY finishes the recording and turns to place it in the rocket, the DALEKS enter the clearing.) FIRST DALEK: Fire. (Before he can reach the rocket, CORY is hit by a barrage of DALEK fire. He collapses, lifeless to the ground. The DALEKS look over him.) FIRST DALEK: He is dead. SECOND DALEK: Our plans for the galactic conquest are safe. Whatever information he discovered has died with him. Return to the city. DALEKS: We obey. (The DALEKS glide away. By MARC CORY'S lifeless hand, the message recorder remains unnoticed...) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. DALEK CITY. CONFERENCE ROOM (NIGHT) (MALPHA address the conference...) MALPHA: Now all is ready. We at this table pledge our allegiance to the Dalek cause. Our armies will reduce the galaxies to ashes, their people to dust and Earth we will conquer first. Victory! Victory! (His cry is echoed by his allies...) DALEK SUPREME & ALIENS: Victory! Victory! Victory! (The DALEKS start to file out of the chamber to start their plans...)

Plan: A: Missing episode; Q: What is the title of the first episode of the Dalek Master Plan? A: Kembel, Space Security Service; Q: What is the name of the planet where the Daleks are discovered? A: Space Security Service agent Marc Cory; Q: Who is investigating the Dalek spaceship? A: a base; Q: What does Marc Cory suspect the Daleks have established? A: the Daleks; Q: Who is planning to invade the Solar System? A: the universe; Q: What do the Daleks vow to conquer? A: the planet Earth; Q: What is the first planet the Daleks plan to conquer? Summary: Missing episode On the planet Kembel, Space Security Service agent Marc Cory is investigating a recent sighting of a Dalek spaceship. His suspicion that the creatures may have established a base proves well-founded. He learns of a plot by the Daleks to invade and destroy the Solar System, but he is discovered and exterminated. The Daleks and their allies vow to conquer the universe, beginning with the planet Earth.

Teleplay by: Patty Lin Story by: Earl Davis [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey. Monica: What's the matter? Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!! Phoebe: Oh Willie's still alive! Chandler: What are you guys doing? Monica: Oh, my mom called, they're gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we're looking for a good picture of us. Chandler: Oooh, I'm afraid that does not exist. Monica: That's not true, there are great pictures of us! Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who's going like this... (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.) Phoebe: Oh my God! That's the creep that you're with at the Statue of Liberty. Chandler: I don't know what it is, I just can't take a good picture. Monica: (looking at one) Oh, here's a great one. Chandler: Yeah, I'm not in that. Monica: I know, but look at me: all tan. Phoebe: Hey, why don't you guys go get portraits done by a professional photographer. Monica: That's a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Y'know... (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.) Phoebe: Yeah that's great! Next to that, Chandler won't look so stupid. Monica: Chandler what do you say? Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, I'm not going. I'm going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.] Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh... Chandler: How about those three-pointers? Ross: Amazing! Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin' us play this time too. (They both get dejected and go sit down.) Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebe's talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy. Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy? We call him Hums While He Pees. Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom. Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out! Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married. Phoebe: He is! But he's getting divorced-Ross! Maybe you know him. Ross: It's not a club. Rachel: Phoebe, if this guy's going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him? Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men! Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club. Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work. Phoebe: You don't have to be back for a half-hour! Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a cracker. Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y'know you can't date him right? Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife. Ross: Soon he'll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired. Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because I'm not gonna act on it. Phoebe: So you wouldn't mind if he was dating someone else? Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isn't he? He's dating that slut in marketing! Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced men's club. Chandler: Dude that is so sad. Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back. Chandler: Could I play? [Scene: Rachel's Outer Office, she's returning from lunch to see Tag not doing his sit-ups.] Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag? Tag: I just did them. Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more! Tag: What? Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in? Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night? Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those? (He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel alone with his stuff. She notices his sweater in his backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a coworker, walks up.) Melissa: Hey Rachel! Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, what's up? I'm just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y'know, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. What's up? (She has put on the backpack.) Melissa: Umm, is Tag here? Rachel: No. Why? Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight. Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya? Melissa: Well, we've been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that. Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain't a locker room, okay? But, y'know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight. Melissa: Oh no! Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work. Melissa: Hey! Isn't that Tag's backpack. Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I don't want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor. (Melissa beats a hasty retreat.) [Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler hasn't.] The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great! That's great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile? Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.) The Photographer: I'm sorry, is the seat uncomfortable? Chandler: No, I am. Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile. Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.) Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you don't have to smile. Let's try something else. Let's try umm, try looking sexy. Chandler: Okay. (You'll have to see it, I can't describe the face he makes, but it isn't good.) Monica: Or not. [Scene: Rachel's Office, Joey is knocking on the door holding a hand over a spot on his shirt.] Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here? Joey: Uhh, well I've got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got an extra one? Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm...here. (Hands him one.) Joey: Great. (He doesn't like it.) You got anything that's not Ralph Lauren? Rachel: Yeah, I don't think so Joe. Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine. Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight? Joey: Nothing, why? Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I'll pay. Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say it's gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude. Rachel: I'm not asking you to go on a date with him! Joey: Really? 'Cause I could kinda use the money. Rachel: Joey, just-just he-he's new in town and I know he doesn't have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I'll really appreciate it. Joey: Yeah, okay. Rachel: Yeah? Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.) Ooh-Hey, donuts! Rachel: Yeah! Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.) [Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture taken.] Monica: I know. Let's try a look...of far off...wonderment. Okay, we'll-we'll gaze into our future and we'll think about our marriage and the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.) Hey! Don't laugh at him! He's my drowning moron! Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.) Monica: That's it! Take it! Take it! Take it! (Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.] Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and that's why I have to kill you." Monica: They can't all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is. Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me? Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread? (Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.) Phoebe: I'm having a really good time! Kyle: Me too! I'm sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck. Phoebe: Ohh. No that's okay, he's a friend. Kyle: Hey uh, I don't mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go? Phoebe: Yeah, I... Well y'know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so I'd just be lost. Kyle: I know it's really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss and-Oh no! No! No! My God! Phoebe: Okay, don't freak out. I'll go. Kyle: No it's... Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy! Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross? Ross: Yeah? Phoebe: Yeah, umm that's Whitney (Points), Kyle's ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y'know divert her so that we can slip out? Ross: What?! No! Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.) Ross: Look, I don't think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, I'll do it. But just because you're a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.] Phoebe: Hi Ginger. Ross: All right! I want my key back! Phoebe: I don't have it! Ross: It's right there! (Points to her hand.) Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the key.) Ross: Look, I'm sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs. Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though, for diverting Kyle's ex. Ross: Oh yeah-No-You're welcome. We'll talk about it later. Phoebe: Okay. (Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.) Ross: Hi Whitney. Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast? Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay. Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyle's ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her, not date her! Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! I'm sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night? Whitney: Sure. Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay? Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing? Ross: Yes! That's where we realized we were both super cool people! Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her. Ross: Like what? Phoebe: Like she's really mean, and she's over critical, and-and-No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you! Ross: Okay. Phoebe: And! She uses s*x as a weapon! Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I'll be on full alert for room painting and s*x weapons. Phoebe: You're still gonna go out with her?! Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: Well, didn't you just hear what I said?! Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husband's gonna say that stuff. Now, if you'll excuse me... Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She is crazy! Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isn't sound proof. Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her! [Scene: Rachel's Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel is standing there.] Tag: Good morning. Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night? Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game. Rachel: Ohh that's nice. Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women! Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women? Tag: Well kinda old, like 30. Rachel: (Pause) Oh. Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night. Rachel: That's great! Wow man, so Joey must've really taught you some stuff huh? Tag: A little. Rachel: Yeah? (A beautiful women walks up.) Tag: (To her, in the Joey voice) How you doin'? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching Chandler how to smile. Chandler is smiling.] Joey: See? That's a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. (Chandler immediately does The Face.) You're changing it! Chandler: I can't help it! Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shots? Chandler: Borrow money from me? Joey: Okay, first-first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down (Looks down), look down, keep looking down; then I look up. (Looks up and smiles.) See? All right, now you try. Look down (Chandler looks down), you're looking down, keep looking down... Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe? Joey: I had a donut. (Chandler nods.) Rachel: (entering) Hi! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night. Joey: Yeah! That guy's alright! Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey. Joey: What? Rachel: Y'know, all the women. Joey: Hey well, you can't teach someone to be good with women. Y'know, that's why I never had any luck with Chandler. Chandler: (Pause) I'm right here! Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it's just-And I know he's my assistant and I can't date him-but it just bothers me, all right?! Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you can't take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!! Chandler: I'm still right here! Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this dating tons of women thing is! Joey: (shocked) What?! Rachel: I just don't want him to meet anybody until I am over my crush-And I will get over it. It's-it's not like I love him, it's just physical! But-I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya! Joey: I know, Monica told me. Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me? Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head questioningly and Rachel nods no.) Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.) Rachel: (To Joey) So, will you talk to him? Joey: I don't know Rach. Rachel: Oh, come on! I'll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts. Joey: One! (Pause.) No ten! You said ten! You can't take that back! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters carrying a bag.] Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me? Joey: I don't know. You uh, you got something for me? Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel. (He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its contents.) Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag there's such a thing as too many women. Tag: Really? Joey: Yeah, for you! [Scene: The Portrait Studio, Monica is waiting for Chandler to make another attempt at taking a good picture.] Monica: (seeing him approach) Hey! There you are! Chandler: There I am! Monica: Are you okay? Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine. Monica: What?! Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!! Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking? Chandler: I don't know, but don't worry, don't worry, because I know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look down, look down... (He falls asleep.) Monica: Chandler? Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.] Phoebe: Hi. Ross: Hi. Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet? Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay-and F.Y.I she must've shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I don't give a tiny rat's ass." Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she should've spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom. Ross: Well, I don't think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe that's just because I am not emotionally unavailable! Phoebe: You think he's emotionally unavailable? Ross: I think he can be. Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldn't be if she didn't bring the office home every night! Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life! Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year's Eve 1997. Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!! Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!! Ross: So do we!! So do we!! (Ross notices a couple has been staring at them.) I'm sorry you had to see that. [Scene: Rachel's Office, Tag is entering.] Tag: Good morning Rachel. Rachel: Hi! (He hands her her mail) Thanks, hey so uh what'd you do last night? Tag: Went out with Joey. Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of bird-dogging the chickas? Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I don't think I'm gonna do that bar scene anymore. Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming. Tag: It's just not really who I am. Y'know, I've always been happier when...Why am I telling you this? You don't care about this stuff. Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, y'know? Tag: When I'm in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend. Rachel: Really? Tag: Someone I can spoil, y'know? Rachel: Sp-spoil? Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something? Rachel: Uh-huh. Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone? Rachel: Well, I-I'm startin' too. Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right? Rachel: Yes! Hell yes! Tag: All right then, it's settled. Rachel: Okay. Tag: I'm gettin' back together with my ex-girlfriend. Rachel: I'd love to! Tag: What? Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah! [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now they're not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.] Ross: My God! Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, how's Whitney? Ross: Well maybe she wouldn't have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was! Phoebe: Oh he knows! (Quietly) For the most part. (Kyle and Whitney enter.) Kyle: Oh hey! Good, you're both here. Whitney: We kinda need to talk. Phoebe: Both of you together? Ross: Wh-what's up? Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyle's last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscing... Kyle: ...we talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. So... (Pause) Ross: Oh just say it Kyle! Kyle: We're gonna give it another try. Phoebe: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?! Whitney: I'm gonna work on that. Phoebe: Oh right, because you're so capable of change. Ross: (To Whitney) Y'know, he hums when he pees! Whitney: I do know. Ross: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever. Whitney: We're so sorry. (They get up to leave.) Ross: That's all right, we-we don't need you. In fact, hey I'm over it already. Phoebe: Yeah, and y'know what? I don't give a tiny rat's ass. Kyle: Yeah, we're gonna go. (They leave.) Ross: (To Phoebe) I'm sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Y'know, she did try to use s*x as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little. Phoebe: Oh. Y'know, he hums while he does other stuff to. Ross: Yeah, we're better off without them. Phoebe: And y'know, even if they break up again, you'd better not let him in your sad men's club! Ross: Divorced men's club. Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. (She's pronounces potato with the both the short and long As.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.] Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper! Phoebe: Ooh, let's see it! Chandler: Ahhh. Monica: Okay. (She opens it up and shows it to them.) Chandler: Oh yeah, that looks good. Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple. (The camera cuts to a shot of the picture and we see that Monica is posing with Joey instead of Chandler.) Joey: Yeah, we look great together. Monica: Yeah, we really do! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Wow! Imagine what our kids would look like! Joey: Y'know, we don't have to imagine. Chandler: I'm marrying her. Joey: We'll just see.

Plan: A: Monica; Q: Who is Chandler's fiance? A: Chandler; Q: Who cannot make a normal face in an engagement picture? A: a weird face; Q: What can Chandler not make? A: the town; Q: Rachel enlists Joey to take Tag out for a night on what? A: Ross; Q: Who does Phoebe date? A: a divorce; Q: What is the couple in the middle of? Summary: While taking an engagement picture for himself and Monica, Chandler cannot make anything but a weird face. Rachel enlists Joey to take Tag out for a night on the town. Phoebe and Ross date a couple in the middle of a divorce.

THE REIGN OF TERROR by DENNIS SPOONER first broadcast - 15th August, 1964 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1. HOUSE, 12 KM FROM PARIS, 1794 (The house continues to blaze.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. INSIDE THE HOUSE, A SMALL ROOM UPSTAIRS (The Doctor still lies unconscious.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. HOUSE (The flames continue to burn, into the night sky.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. PARIS (We see Paris laid out below.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. PARIS SQUARE (Crowds are cheering at the raised guillotine.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The blade falls, claiming another victim.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. OUTSIDE THE CONCIERGERIE PRISON (This is a forbidding looking building by the river. Two women are sitting on the bench outside as some soldiers walk in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. OFFICE, CONCIERGERIE PRISON (Susan, Ian and Barbara are being interviewed by a judge who is seated at a desk with papers in front of him.) BARBARA: Are we to be allowed to tell our story? JUDGE: Prisoners are not required to speak. I have the charges here. You were found in the house with Rouvray and D'Argenson and arrested by a platoon of soldiers. I am satisfied as to your guilt as being in the company of wanted traitors. The sentence - immediate execution. (The travelers look at each other in alarm.) BARBARA: We demand the right to speak! JUDGE: You have no rights! You will be guillotined as soon as it can be arranged. (To the guard.) Take them to the cells! [SCENE_BREAK] 8. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS (Susan and Barbara watch as the jailer locks the door to Ian's cell.) JAILER: (To Ian.) Stay back, by the wall. (Susan tries to speak to Ian through the hole in the door.) BARBARA: Ian! SUSAN: Ian! JAILER: Go away. (To Barbara.) Keep hold of her, can't you? (To Ian.) I've told you to stay back by the wall. There's nothing to interest you. (He waves Susan and Barbara on and they round another corner followed by some guards. The Jailer points to where Susan is.) JAILER: (To the guards.) Stay with her over there. (To Barbara.) Lady like you shouldn't be kept in this pig sty. Course, I have the keys. It wouldn't be very difficult to leave a few doors open, now, would it? BARBARA: No, of course not. But, I couldn't pay you. I don't have any money. JAILER: There's the soldiers in... in this place. They're nothing but peasants. Not fit company for an intelligent man like myself. Gets very lonely in here sometimes. Very lonely indeed. Now, if we were to be friends, eh? (Barbara slaps him in the face.) JAILER: (Angrily.) You'll regret that! I promise you. (He thrusts her over to the guards.) JAILER: Here! Lock them away. (The guards unlock one of the cell doors.) JAILER: No. In there. (He points to another door.) JAILER: (Chuckling.) It's the cell I keep for my special guests. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. SUSAN AND BARBARA'S CELL (Susan and Barbara stand in their cell. It is bare apart from a small bed and a barred window.) SUSAN: The smell in here. Oh, it's terrible! BARBARA: Yes, it reminds me of when we were prisoners before in the prehistoric age. SUSAN: Oh, yes. I remember that. But, there was one very important difference - grandfather and Ian were with us then. Oh, I wish I could see where we were. (She tries to peer through the window but is too short.) SUSAN: Oh. You'll have to lift me up, Barbara. Barbara? BARBARA: Yes. Sorry. Yes. (Barbara lifts Susan up.) SUSAN: Well, I can't see very much down there. It's just a prison yard. There's nothing to the right. (Barbara puts Susan back on the ground.) SUSAN: Oh, if only I knew where grandfather was. BARBARA: He'd have got out of that house, Susan. I know he would. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. FOREST, 12 KM FROM PARIS (The Doctor lies on the floor, recovering with Jean-Pierre over him. He sits up and begins coughing, but Jean-Pierre offers him a drink of water.) DOCTOR: Yes. Thank you. Oh, It's most refreshing. Uhh! Where are my fiends, hmm? JEAN-PIERRE: The soldiers set fire to the farmhouse and took them to Paris, to the Conciergerie Prison. They'll be locked up there before they go to the guillotine. DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, very brave boy! JEAN-PIERRE: Are you all right now, sir? DOCTOR: Yes, I think so. Eh. Thank you. Ah! (Jean-Pierre helps the Doctor to his feet.) DOCTOR: Oh, well, it's quite remarkable. How could I ever begin to thank you, hmm? JEAN-PIERRE: You see, there were two men hiding in the house. One of them knocked you over the head. Then the soldiers came. The two men were shot and your friends arrested. DOCTOR: Oh, it's a tragic business. JEAN-PIERRE: But you can still escape. My mother can give you some food. Our farm isn't far away - just over there. (He points one way and then another.) JEAN-PIERRE: And that way leads to Paris. DOCTOR: Yes, I must rescue my friends. JEAN-PIERRE: But you mustn't do that, sir! You'll be captured - sent to the guillotine! DOCTOR: You saved me, my boy, so I must rescue them. Now you can understand that, can't you, hmm? JEAN-PIERRE: Yes. (Pause.) I wish I could come with you. But, since my father was taken away, he told me to look after my mother. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes. Now, you're the head of the house. Yes. Yes, well I... (Jean-Pierre hand the Doctor his stick.) DOCTOR: Oh, thank you. Thank you for everything. (He shakes hands with the boy.) DOCTOR: And what's your name? JEAN-PIERRE: Jean-Pierre. DOCTOR: Yes, I shall remember. Yes. Jean-Pierre. (Grandly.) Au revoir. [SCENE_BREAK] (They salute each other, then, with a final wave, the Doctor sets off on the path towards Paris.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. FIELD, SOME DISTANCE FROM PARIS (The Doctor walks purposefully across a field.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. ROAD, SOME DISTANCE FROM PARIS (The Doctor walks down a road lined with bushes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS, CONCIERGERIE PRISON, PARIS (The jailer peers through the window in the door to Susan and Barbara's cell.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. SUSAN AND BARBARA'S CELL (They are both fast asleep.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS (The jailer moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. SUSAN AND BARBARA'S CELL (They both open their eyes.) BARBARA: He's going. (They sit up.) SUSAN: Oh, what's the use? We'll never get out of this dreadful place. BARBARA: Oh, you mustn't lose heart, Susan. SUSAN: I'm not going to fool myself. BARBARA: Well, think of the times we've been in trouble before. We've always managed to get out of it in the end. SUSAN: Oh, we've been lucky. We can't go on being lucky. Things catch up with you. BARBARA: I've never heard you talk like this before. You're usually so optimistic. SUSAN: I want to know about grandfather. BARBARA: I'm sure he's all right, Susan. SUSAN: You keep on saying that. I just want to know, that's all. BARBARA: Look. We should try and get out of here. It hasn't always been luck, you know. We made our own opportunities. Did you notice that we came past the river to get here? (Barbara begins to feel the walls.) SUSAN: Oh, you're not going to dig your way out, are you? BARBARA: Well, why not? SUSAN: It's solid stone. BARBARA: Hey, there's a damp patch in the wall here. Hmm. Maybe a sewer leading to the river. SUSAN: (Cynically.) Yes. All you need are a couple of dozen drills and a gang of men and you might... might get out. (Barbara pulls the sheets of the bed and begins to remove the wooden supports underneath.) SUSAN: Well, what are you looking at? BARBARA: Crowbars. May not be necessary to dig our way out after all. I might be able to lever up one of those stones with this. (Barbara gently pushes Susan towards the door.) BARBARA: Look. You go over there and keep your eye open for the jailer. (Barbara continues to work.) SUSAN: Shh! (They hear the jingle of keys in the lock.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS (The jailer is leading another man down the corridor, escorted by the guards.) JAILER: Put him in there. (The guards thrust the man into another cell, which is swiftly relocked. A muffled groaning emerges from Ian's cell.) JAILER: Don't make so much noise! Huh! You'll give the place a bad name! (chuckles.) (He and the guards walk off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. IAN AND WEBSTER'S CELL (This is much like the other cell. Ian is tending to a wounded man on the bed. The man has difficulty talking.) WEBSTER: Sorry, Ian. My side's hurting again. IAN: The bleeding's stopped, Webster. You've lost a lot of blood. WEBSTER: As soon as we were arrested we couldn't wait to pull the trigger. Is there any more water? IAN: Yes. Must be about the last of it. (He hands the bottle to Webster who drinks gratefully from it.) IAN: You know, I've looked this place over, and it isn't impossible to escape. WEBSTER: (Quietly.) It is for me, and you know it. I'll never get up from here. Listen, you're an Englishman. You must help me. IAN: How? WEBSTER: One day soon, France will stop this madness and turn her full attention across the channel. (Ian helps him to sit up.) WEBSTER: We must be ready for that day. There's a man in France - Englishman - working to that end. He will tell us when that day is near. You understand? IAN: England at war with France. Yes, I know that. WEBSTER: I was sent to bring him home to England. The day nears that his information is important. Find him if you can. Try to escape. Try. Promise to find James Stirling - and home. Promise! Promise! IAN: Yes, yes. James Stirling. Find James Stirling and tell him to come back to England. He has important information. I understand and I promise. (Webster lies back down on the bed and his ragged breathing ceases.) IAN: Where shall I find him, Webster? WEBSTER: (Croaking.) ...Jules... Renan... IAN: Jules Renan, yes. WEBSTER: The sign of Le Chien Gris. IAN: Le Chien Gris. (Ian sits up and Webster's head lolls back. Ian pulls the sheet over Webster's face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. ROAD, SOME DISTANCE FROM PARIS (The Doctor is walking along a road when he hears some shouting from up ahead.) OVERSEER: Come on! Put your backs into it! (He turns to see a group of men digging at the road with picks. The road works overseer is standing over them, shouting.) OVERSEER: You can work faster than that! (The Doctor walks up to the overseer.) DOCTOR: Good day. Pleasant day, sir. OVERSEER: Yes, it is. DOCTOR: I wonder if you can assist me. I'm bound for Paris. Am I still on the right road? OVERSEER: You are. DOCTOR: Splendid. Splendid. I was beginning to have my doubts. I haven't seen a soul for hours. OVERSEER: You've come a long way? DOCTOR: Yes. Further than you would think. OVERSEER: (To the peasants.) Get on with your work! Nobody told you to stop. (He goes over to join the Doctor who has seated himself on a bench nearby.) OVERSEER: I have to watch them all the time. I don't even know why they bother to put them to work. You know what I'd do with tax dodgers? DOCTOR: Oh, so they're not volunteers, eh? OVERSEER: (Surprised.) Volunteers? Huh. I have to watch them every second. I'm given a schedule. Finish this section by tomorrow, they told me. And if I don't... DOCTOR: Yes, quite a responsibility. OVERSEER: But, it'll be finished, even if I have to drive every one of them into the ground. DOCTOR: Yes, I see you believe in drastic measures, eh? OVERSEER: (To the peasants.) Now, put your backs into it. Look as if you mean it. The sooner its finished, the better it'll be for all of us. (He sits down.) DOCTOR: I'm sure you're very experienced at this job, my man. But, as an impartial onlooker I think I might have a bit of an advice to give you. OVERSEER: Well, I'll listen to anything that'll get this job finished quickly. DOCTOR: Well, if you were to expend your energy helping with the road, instead of boring and shouting at them every few seconds you might be able to get somewhere. (He stands up in the shocked silence.) DOCTOR: Good day to you, sir! (The overseer stands up as well.) OVERSEER: I suppose you think you're very clever. DOCTOR: Well, without any undue modesty, yes! Now, would you mind k... standing aside? (The overseer remains firmly in the Doctor's way.) OVERSEER: Now, show me your papers, or something to prove your identity! DOCTOR: I am not in the habit of... OVERSEER: I see. You can't prove your identity. Have you paid your taxes? No? Then perhaps you join the poor wretches and put your energy to better use. (to a peasant.) Give him a pick. (The Doctor, speechless, reluctantly takes the pick.) OVERSEER: Now get to work skinny. I shouldn't try to run away. Remember, I've got this. (He produces a gun. The Doctor goes to join the work party.) DOCTOR: (Muttering.) Common fellow. OVERSEER: Well, what are you waiting for? Get to work! (The Doctor and the peasants dig away at the road.) OVERSEER: (To himself.) I'll complete that schedule yet. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. SUSAN AND BARBARA'S CELL, CONCIERGERIE PRISON, PARIS (While Susan keeps watch, Barbara is attempting to pry off one of the stones in the floor with a piece of wood from the bed. She leans back.) BARBARA: Oh, I must rest. It's tearing my hands to pieces! SUSAN: Well, should I take over? BARBARA: Ah, no. No. Your hands are worse than mine. SUSAN: I wonder what Ian's doing? Barbara, I think I'll work. It takes my mind off things. (They swap positions. Susan begins to hit the rock with the stick but hits herself by accident.) SUSAN: Oh! (Barbara helps her up.) BARBARA: Come on, we'll rest. SUSAN: I can't do it, Barbara! BARBARA: Then we'll start again later. We've make good progress. We should be through soon. (They sit on the remains of the bed.) SUSAN: It takes so long! Still, we have done well, haven't we? (Barbara nods. Suddenly they hear some noises from the corridor outside.) SUSAN: Someone's coming. (Barbara desperately attempts to hide their handiwork but putting the blankets over it.) SUSAN: (Alarmed.) Barbara, they're coming for us! (The jailer enters with some plates. He places them on the floor.) JAILER: There's your food. A waste if you ask me. (He peers past them and sees the blankets on the floor.) JAILER: What are they doing down there? BARBARA: What? JAILER: The blankets! I'm responsible for everything in the cells. Pick them up! (Neither of them move.) JAILER: All right. All right. It gets cold at night. You'll get no others! (He bends down to pick the blankets up himself when a voice rings out.) LEMAITRE: Jailer! JAILER: (To himself.) Lemaitre. LEMAITRE: (Shouting.) Jailer! JAILER: (Shouting.) Coming citizen! (Susan and Barbara hug each other in relief.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21. IAN'S CELL (Ian stands by the window as Lemaitre, a tall thin man dressed in a uniform, silently enters and shuts the door by the window. He pulls the blanket back, sees Webster's body, and throws it back over again.) LEMAITRE: (To Ian.) How long has he been dead? (Ian looks away. Lemaitre goes over to him and pulls him around.) LEMAITRE: I asked how long he's been dead. IAN: (Coldly.) Several hours citizen. LEMAITRE: Did he speak? IAN: No. No, he didn't. (Lemaitre exits the cell.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS (Lemaitre rounds a corner followed by the humbled Jailer.) LEMAITRE: I'll ask you once more. Did they talk to each other? JAILER: Well, eh... They may have done so, citizen, but... Well... LEMAITRE: Just simply tell me if you heard their voices. JAILER: Yes. Well, yes, citizen. I did. I didn't know what he said, but I definitely heard them speak. But, n... not for long. LEMAITRE: Let me have the execution list. JAILER: At once, citizen! (The jailer passes him a scroll.) LEMAITRE: The other prisoner - which one is he? (The jailer points out the name.) JAILER: Ian Chesterton. (Lemaitre produces a quill and draws a line through it.) LEMAITRE: Have the body removed from the cell. JAILER: Yes citizen! (The Jailer moves off down the corridor, passed by a group of soldiers. Lemaitre puts down the scroll and looks thoughtful.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. SUSAN AND BARBARA'S CELL (They are sitting on the bed, eating.) SUSAN: Well, I felt sure he'd discover that. BARBARA: Yes, so did I. You know, I'd no idea how hungry I was. Or what I'd eat. SUSAN: Uh hmm. I think I'll get back to work, now. BARBARA: Oh no. It was my turn, Susan. SUSAN: No, that's all right. (Susan goes over to the stone. She suddenly steps back with a gasp.) BARBARA: What is it? SUSAN: Rats! BARBARA: Rats? (Susan clambers onto the bed.) SUSAN: They must have smelt the food. Barbara, there's rats down there! (Barbara cautiously approaches the stone, then quickly wedges it back into place.) SUSAN: (Sobbing.) Oh, Barbara. I can't do it anymore. Not with those down there. I can't do it! I can't! BARBARA: They won't come in. Not now. We won't do any more digging. We'll just stay where we are. [SCENE_BREAK] 24. ROAD, SOME DISTANCE FROM PARIS (The Doctor and the peasants are working away as the overseer leafs through his coins.) DOCTOR: It's a tense time. He's counting his wealth. PEASANT: He does it all the time. Some of us thinks he likes money better than he likes himself. DOCTOR: Do any of you got any money, hmm? PEASANT: Would we be here if we had? DOCTOR: You want to leave here don't you? PEASANT: Well, yes. But, how? He never goes anywhere without that pistol and he never turns his back! DOCTOR: Well, do as I say. Follow me. (He begins to whisper to the others.) DOCTOR: Ah! Hah, hah!. [SCENE_BREAK] PEASANT: Yes. There it is! [SCENE_BREAK] (The overseer looks up at the sound of the commotion.) OVERSEER: What? DOCTOR: Yes. Hah, hah. PEASANT: Yes. OVERSEER: What are you staring at? (He goes to join the Doctor and the peasants who are staring up.) DOCTOR: Yes, we're waiting for the eclipse! Look! Ah! OVERSEER: Eclipse? DOCTOR: Yes, yes. PEASANT: He said the moon could pass in front of the sun at any moment! See! Look! DOCTOR: Yes, you've heard about it, haven't you? OVERSEER: Yes, yes, yes. I've... I've heard. (As he talks, the Doctor reaches into the overseer's pouch and takes several of the coins.) DOCTOR: Yes. It's a... It's... It's... It's quite a phenomenon, isn't it? Yes, yes. Hmm. OVERSEER: All right. All right. We'll see it when it happens. Until then, get back to work. Now! (He backs away and the others begin to dig again. The Doctor shows the others the coins and then embeds them in the soil. He hits them a few times as if he has just uncovered them.) DOCTOR: Ah, look at it! Look at the coin! (He picks one up.) OVERSEER: Now, what's wrong now? (He snatches the coin.) DOCTOR: Eh. Hah, hah. I've just found this coin down there. It must come from some hidden treasure. OVERSEER: (Sceptically.) A treasure? More likely dropped by a passing traveller. DOCTOR: Oh, no. No, definitely a hidden treasure. OVERSEER: Now, where were you digging? DOCTOR: Just there. Just there. Yeah. Heh, hah. (The Doctor shows him where he has hidden the other coins. The overseer greedily begins to dig at the ground with a pick.) OVERSEER: Here's another. DOCTOR: Catch his spade! Stop! OVERSEER: Just stand back! It's nothing to do with you. Nothing! I'll do the digging and then it'll be mine. Now stand back! (He starts digging again. The Doctor rubs his hands together and one of the peasants hands him a spade. The peasants wince as the Doctor brings it down on to the head of the overseer with a loud noise, then they run off into the distance. The Doctor stays a while and retrieves his coat, then places one of the coins on the eye of the snoring overseer.) DOCTOR: Good day to you, sir! Pleasant dreams. Huh. Yeah. (He sets off for Paris again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25. ROAD, SOME DISTANCE FROM PARIS (The Doctor walks down a road with tall trees on either side.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26. ROAD, 5 KM FROM PARIS (The Doctor walks along another road surrounded by bushes. He sits down on a stone by the roadside for a rest. Looking down, he sees 'Paris, 5km' written on the stone. He stands up and continues his journey.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27. SUSAN AND BARBARA'S CELL, CONCIERGERIE PRISON, PARIS (Susan and Barbara are sitting on the bed clearly exhausted. Barbara looks up as the door opens.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS (The jailer holds the door open.) JAILER: All right you two, come on out. Stand in line. (Susan and Barbara emerge and stand next to another prisoner and three guards.) SUSAN: Where's Ian? JAILER: Was that your friend? He was lucky. Lemaitre crossed him off the list. You're not so fortunate. (To the guards.) This batch for the guillotine! Take them away! (The guards escort them away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29. IAN'S CELL (Ian hears noises outside in the street outside his cell. He clambers up to the window to get a view.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30. STREET OUTSIDE THE CONCIERGERIE PRISON (Ian stares through the window in horror at what he sees.) IAN: Barbara! Susan!

Plan: A: 1794 - one; Q: What year does the TARDIS land in? A: the French Revolution of 1789; Q: What event was the French Revolution? A: The travellers; Q: Who gets caught up in the machinations of an English undercover spy? A: prisoners; Q: What are the travelers rescuing from the guillotine? A: James Stirling - alias Lemaitre; Q: Who is the English undercover spy? A: governor; Q: What was James Stirling's position at the prison? A: the Conciergerie prison; Q: What is the name of the prison? Summary: The TARDIS materialises not far from Paris in 1794 - one of the bloodiest years following the French Revolution of 1789. The travellers become involved with an escape chain rescuing prisoners from the guillotine and get caught up in the machinations of an English undercover spy, James Stirling - alias Lemaitre, governor of the Conciergerie prison.

MUSIC IN: EXT. CAR - MOVING (SFX: MUSIC PLAYS IN CAR B.G.) JENNIFER: Oh, my god. The guy in the SUV is totally checking you out. NIKKI: Really? Is he cute? JENNIFER: Only extremely. NIKKI: Ew! Okay, he's probably gay. He looked totally creeped out by us. JENNIFER: What are you talking about? He's into you. NIKKI: No way! JENNIFER: Yeah, here. Write your number down. Quick, before he gets away! (F/X: SULLIVAN PEERS OUT THE REAR WINDOW/ SILENTLY SCREAMING) NIKKI: Oh, my god! (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - DAY SHEPARD: Is there a reason you're touching my flowers, Tony? TONY: I was just admiring them, Jenny. Flowers are a passion of mine. SHEPARD: Really? So then you'd know how rare and expensive they are. TONY: Oh yeah. SHEPARD: And their name. TONY: Of course. Um, well, judging by the color and of course the green things they're attached to... SHEPARD: Stems. TONY: Stems. Uh, these... are right on the tip of my tongue. SHEPARD: Phaleonopsis orchids. TONY: Orchids. Of course, they're orchids. This flipped out when I was sniffing them. SHEPARD: Tony. How would you rate your recent performance as team leader? TONY: I'd say it was a solid "B." Minus. I'm being fired, aren't I? SHEPARD: In a manner of speaking, yes. TONY: If this has to do with Gibbs coming back, I have no problem working for him. SHEPARD: These orders are for you. TONY: NCIS Rota, Spain? SHEPARD: Your own team. Congratulations. TONY: Wow, uh... I don't know what to say. SHEPARD: Your performance these last four months has been exemplary. You've earned it. TONY: What about La Grenouille? That took months getting in. SHEPARD: You're not getting too involved, are you? TONY: Only in the mission. If we put another agent undercover, La Grenouille will smell it. SHEPARD: So you're passing on a promotion that any other agent in this building would kill for all because you're worried about some long-shot mission? I don't think so. TONY: Okay. I'm worried about Jethro. SHEPARD: Jethro's fine. TONY: Then how do you explain that thing on his upper lip? He looks like Wilford Brimley, Junior. SHEPARD: So you're turning down a promotion because of a moustache? TONY: His memory is still screwed up. He called Ziva "Kate" yesterday. I just want to make sure he's a hundred percent before I leave. SHEPARD: I see. And how long might that process take? TONY: I don't know. Maybe ... a few months? SHEPARD: How does seventy-two hours sound? TONY: Very fast. SHEPARD: It wasn't a question. I need an answer by the end of the week. Tony, if you pass this up, another opportunity like this might not come up for years. TONY: Can we keep this like the Grenouille mission... just between the two of us? SHEPARD: If you wish. TONY: Thank you.(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALCONY - DAY (SFX: PHONE RINGS) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Dinozzo. Stop calling me from dispatch, will you, Mollvaney? I'm not the team leader anymore. Gibbs is. Trust me, it makes a difference! Now, call him and leave me alone! ZIVA: Problems, Tony? TONY: Wrong number, Ziva. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. MCGEE: Is there a reason you're gearing up? TONY: What's my motto, McGee. MCGEE: You'll never date a woman that eats more than you do? TONY: (LAUGHS) Well, yeah. That's true. But always be prepared. Bat signal may fly at any moment. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) We're on our way. (ON CAMERA) Grab your gear! We're heading out. MCGEE: How did you know? TONY: Well, it's a gift, McGee. I... choose not to question it. MCGEE: Where are we going, Boss? GIBBS: Ask Dinozzo. All I got was a wrong number. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY ZIVA: Since when do we investigate stolen cars, Tony? TONY: Since it belongs to a sailor and someone appears to have been slaughtered inside it. ZIVA: So where's the body? TONY: Well, that's kind of the reason we're here. Goes with the whole criminal investigative thing. ZIVA: Oh, okay. I understand. TONY: Understand what? ZIVA: You feel a little threatened now that Gibbs is back. TONY: I do not! ZIVA: You have been whining like a little snitch all week! TONY: The term is "bitch." ZIVA: I know. I was being polite. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRUCK - DAY MCGEE: Boss, vehicle's registered to a Navy Lieutenant Anne Sullivan - is a computer programmer for base housing. Reported U.A. this morning. First time in her career. GIBBS: Witnesses? MCGEE: Uh, nine-one-one call. Two motorists reported a man driving her vehicle with a bloody woman screaming in back. I'm assuming that's our missing Lieutenant. GIBBS: Assuming? MCGEE: Well, Fredericksburg P.D. has descriptions of both the woman and her abductor. They're sending them to NCIS as we speak. GIBBS: That's a good job, Tim. MCGEE: Can I help you find something, Boss? Maybe ...? GIBBS: My notepads. MCGEE: Right back here. We reorganized the supplies. Tony felt this way was more efficient. GIBBS: You don't say. MCGEE: Well, you know, I could put them back the way it was before you quit - retired. GIBBS: Well, that depends, McGee. Is it more efficient? MCGEE: It seems to be. GIBBS: Then leave them where they are. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY ZIVA: There appears to have been a struggle. Multiple hand and fingerprints. A lost shoe. A pair of glasses. And I don't believe she was slaughtered. At least not in the back of this vehicle. TONY: Why is that? ZIVA: The traces of blood are all from skin contact. A more serious wound would have left pools of it. Enough criminal investigating for you, Tony? GIBBS: Lieutenant Sullivan's address. She lives in Culpeper. TONY: Take McGee. If you leave now, you can avoid traffic. Anything unusual, you call me. (BEAT) I mean, you know, you do... you... whatever you want them to do, Boss. (PASSAGE OF TIME) TONY: So I got used to being in charge, sue me. ZIVA: Is there a reason why you always have to drive? TONY: I could say it's because I'm the Senior Field Agent. But mostly because I want to live. ZIVA: Then I recommend you getting unused to being in charge, before Gibbs decides to kill you. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRUCK - DAY MCGEE: Tow truck should be here any minute, Boss. GIBBS: You find the other shoe yet, McGee? MCGEE: Uh... there was only one in the vehicle. GIBBS: You ever see a woman try to walk with one high heel on? Not pretty. Hey look at this. Blood smears on the pavement. If she was carried, they'd be drops. And what looks like a strand of nylon thread. Maybe it was from a stocking. MCGEE: She could have fallen and scraped her knee? GIBBS: Mark it. (PAUSE) Okay, you're looking for help, which way would you go? MCGEE: Well, Waverley's football team was away. The lot was empty all weekend. Should have headed towards campus, but she didn't. She went in the opposite direction. She was forced. GIBBS: That's good thinking, Tim. Come on. Another blood drop. Like I said, the other shoe. Okay, now tell me where she went.(MCGEE AND GIBBS FOLLOW THE TRAIL) MCGEE: There was another car. Judging by these tire tracks, they left in a hurry. GIBBS: Match the tires, might even find out the make and model. MCGEE: Good to have you back, Boss. ZIVA: (V.O.) If you'd let me drive... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR - DAY ZIVA: ... we would have been here half an hour ago. TONY: Yeah. Our bodies could be in a twisted wreck awaiting the Jaws of Life. ZIVA: Gibbs lets me drive. TONY: I have more to live for. ZIVA: I see. Perhaps this new mystery girlfriend of yours... TONY: She's not a mystery. ZIVA: Then why haven't any of us met her? TONY: Look, it's complicated. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA AND TONY ENTER THE APARTMENT) ZIVA: Clear! TONY: This is weird. ZIVA: I agree. Someone was obviously searching for something. TONY: No, I mean this apartment. What does it remind you of, Ziva? Put a writing desk over there. ZIVA: You're right. It's almost... TONY: Identical to McGeek's. What do you make of this? ZIVA: Some kind of profile. TONY: They're all profiles. I think I know what the profile's might have been used for. ZIVA: She was targeting people. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: This is a police sketch-artist's rendering of what the witnesses saw late yesterday afternoon. And this is a photo of Lieutenant Sullivan for comparison. TONY: I'd say that's a pretty good match. GIBBS: You think, Dinozzo? (TO MCGEE) The driver, McGee. MCGEE: Fredericksburg P.D. put a BOLO out on him last night. GIBBS AND TONY: Any hits? TONY: Sorry, Boss. Continue... if you want to, of course. MCGEE: No hits yet, but the local LEO's did match the likeness to a mug shot. Justin Farris. Arrested for car theft five years ago. Currently lives with his mother. Claims she hasn't seen him since yesterday. TONY: Our Lieutenant had around sixteen profiles on people at her apartment. GIBBS: Without photographs or names. I'm still waiting on the why. TONY: Me, too, Boss. I'm just saying, Farris might be one of them. Our Rosetta Stone, if you will. GIBBS: Find him! That's good work, Tim. Not bad either, Tony. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) MCGEE: Is it just me or does he seem a little more....? TONY: Human? MCGEE: Well, I was going to say mellow, but yeah. TONY: Yeah. I think it's the moustache. Lulling us into a false sense of security. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: That's all of them. ZIVA: It appears one of them is missing. GIBBS: Missing what? ABBY: One of the profiles. Alpha-bravo-one-zero-one-six. GIBBS: Targets? ZIVA: The binder they were kept in listed them as potential targets. GIBBS: The Alpha-Bravo designations. It's how we labeled pre-planned artillery targets in the Corps. ABBY: Maybe she was planning on dropping bombs on them. GIBBS: What else was missing from the Lieutenant's place? ZIVA: I'm more concerned with what was left, Gibbs - money, jewelry. It's not your typical burglary. GIBBS: This means they knew what they were looking for. What can you tell me about these? ZIVA: She was profiling men. All the information gathered was taken from public records. GIBBS: Yeah, I can see that. Why? ZIVA: Well, that's an excellent question. I was wondering that myself. GIBBS: Abby? ABBY: All of these were printed from the same printer. You want to know how I know? GIBBS: Newer models imbed micro codes in the print that helps I.D. hardware to counterfeit money and documents. ABBY: Wow. Good guess. It also means that the information they represent is on her computer. GIBBS: Show me. ABBY: I'd love to, but I can't. Not yet. Bad guys smash up real good. I'm still trying to recover the hard drives. GIBBS: How long? ABBY: Did I mention bad guys smash up real good, like really, really good? Probably days. GIBBS: We don't have days, Abs. Get McGee to help you. ABBY: Wait! There's more. I ran the fingerprints from the SUV. I matched all of them except three to a partial handprint. GIBBS: And? ABBY: And I can say with certainty, that the woman in the back of the SUV was--- GIBBS: Lieutenant Anne Sullivan. McGee already figured it out. ABBY: Okay, did he tell you this? The partial handprint that I couldn't match has a super-defined index finger. Which means it's not Sullivan's. It's the bad guy's. I'm running it now. GIBBS: Name is Justin Farris. ABBY: McGee! GIBBS: Yep. ABBY: Is it just me or does he seem a little... ZIVA: Snitchy? ABBY: That's close enough. It's got to be that damn moustache! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (INTO PHONE) I want agents knocking on doors of anyone who met, knows, or sneezed on Farris in the last year, Mollvaney. (SFX: TONY SNAPPING HIS FINGERS) MOLLVANEY: (V.O./FILTERED) All right! All right! I'll get on it! TONY: (TO MCGEE) Probie! I need you over here! MOLLVANEY: (V.O./FILTERED) What else do you want? TONY: (INTO PHONE) Well, if they find anything, make sure that you call Gibbs, not me. MOLLVANEY: (V.O./FILTERED) Right. Is the mustache real? TONY: (INTO PHONE) Yes, the mustache is real. (TO MCGEE) You got a hearing problem? MCGEE: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you talking to me? TONY: There's no one else in the squad room. MCGEE: Well, I thought I heard you say probie. And since Agent Lee has been reassigned to the legal department, I wasn't exactly sure who you were referring to. TONY: Haha. I get it. You don't like called probie anymore? MCGEE: Things change. TONY: Yes, I know. I used to be team leader, Pro-o-o-bie. MCGEE: Temporary team leader. And that was only because Gibbs quit. TONY: You don't think I rate my own team? MCGEE: You wouldn't be here now if you did, would you, Dinozzo? TONY: Yeah. Maybe you're right. If Gibbs asks, tell him I went out for coffee. (TONY WALKS O.S.) MCGEE: Tony, I didn't-- GIBBS: McGee, how long have I been a NCIS special agent? MCGEE: Almost sixteen years. GIBBS: Want to take a wild guess what my first partner still calls me? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS ELEVATOR - DAY (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) TONY: You've done it again, Dinozzo. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM FARRIS: I voluntarily turned myself in. I'm just trying to do the right thing here, Agent Gibbs. Look, I'm admitting it, okay? I stole the damn SUV, but I didn't kidnap anyone. GIBBS: How do you explain these? FARRIS: I didn't know that chick was back there when I took it. GIBBS: Her name is Lieutenant Anne Sullivan! (SHOUTS) Where is she!? FARRIS: I told you, I don't know. Look, I am telling you. I just committed grand theft auto. Why the hell would I do that if I wasn't telling the truth? GIBBS: To avoid kidnap and murder charges! FARRIS: Whoa! She's dead?! No! No, she was alive and screaming in the back of the SUV the last time I saw her. GIBBS: (OVERLAP) Screaming what? FARRIS: I don't know. Something about a... being singled out by some guy. GIBBS: What guy? FARRIS: I didn't exactly stick around to find out, okay? I am telling you I didn't kill her. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: So what do you think? ZIVA: He might be telling the truth. TONY: I mean about the mustache. ZIVA: Oh. It makes him look distinguished, yes? TONY: It's not Gibbs. ZIVA: People change. TONY: People maybe, not Gibbs. FARRIS: (V.O./FILTERED) I knew it was too good to be true. The door was open, engine running... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM FARRIS: Couldn't help myself, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Where? FARRIS: It was the Texaco station on Wildwood Road. Look, I'm telling you the first time I saw this chick - sorry, Lieutenant Sullivan - was in the rear view mirror when she woke up and started screaming. GIBBS: Last time. FARRIS: FARRIS: In the lot where I dumped the ride. Look, I even dialed nine-one-one! Yeah, I hung up, but I dialed. That's got to count for something, right? Wait. Wait, wait. There might have been another car. (CONT.) There was a silver Honda Accord that I thought might be tailing me. I thought somebody saw me boost the SUV at the station. GIBBS: You see the driver? FARRIS: No, he was wearing a ball cap. I never got a good look at his face, okay? But he must have followed me. That's who you should be looking for! I'm not a kidnapper! GIBBS: No. You're just the dirtbag that left her there to die. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. HALLWAY TONY: Ziva's running down the gas station lead. Nine-one-one hang up already checked out. Traced it to Farris' cell. Ducky wants to see you. GIBBS: About what? TONY: Something about profiling Lieutenant Sullivan's profile. Maybe you should ask him. So do you think Farris is innocent? GIBBS: I don't know. You check the bloody fingerprints Abby has against his yet? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: (INTO RADIO) You are quite the fascinating woman, my dear. Sadly, due to Darwinian evolution, men tend to cherish women's bodies rather than their minds. I must admit, I sometimes fall prey to that myself. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: I thought you only talked to bodies. DUCKY: A lot has changed since you quit. Fortunately, one doesn't need a body for a psychological autopsy, which is what I'm doing here on our missing Lieutenant. GIBBS: I heard you passed your test. DUCKY: Yes. The graduation ceremony was very rewarding. All my friends were there. GIBBS: What do you got? DUCKY: Um, well, a sampling of the Lieutenant's DVD collection: Under the Tuscan Sun, Sabrina, Ghost, Fried Green Tomatoes. What Tony would classify as chick flicks. Yet they contrast vividly with her choice in literature. Like our Timothy, she is quite the fan of the detective and the spy genres. A dissonance made even more interesting by these. Her fitness reports. They reveal a brilliant tactical mind with little tolerance for failure. One who is highly driven. She's well traveled, but notice this... GIBBS: Alone. DUCKY: Yes. I imagine you know something about that. GIBBS: Are you going somewhere with this, Doctor? DUCKY: Yes. This woman is a highly motivated loner with an odd desire for secrecy. These profiles that she keeps may indicate a need to control her environment and the people in it. GIBBS: But you don't know who they are? DUCKY: Well, this isn't an exact science. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Over here! (ON MONITOR/FILTERED) Gibbs, your new golden boy McGee, he was wrong. The partial handprint... TONY: (ON MONITOR/FILTERED) ...isn't Farris', Boss. GIBBS: Whose is it? TONY: (ON MONITOR/FILTERED) Well... ABBY: (ON MONITOR/FILTERED).... that we don't know yet. But what that means is that... GIBBS: .... somebody else was there. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Farris claims he didn't know Lieutenant Sullivan was in the vehicle when he stole it. When she started screaming, he dumped it here, with her still in it. Which means, whoever kidnapped her must have followed Farris to get the Lieutenant back. TONY: If he's telling the truth. That still doesn't explain why she's profiling people. ZIVA: Blackmail. Espionage. Assassination. TONY: All good reasons why someone would want to make her disappear. ZIVA: We could be missing something. TONY: Believe me, not from this angle. ZIVA: She could be a covert operative. TONY: She's a Navy computer geek who worked on software for base housing. According to her coworkers, she's a female version of McGee. ZIVA: Being a geek makes for a good cover. GIBBS: Cover for what? TONY: We're still trying to figure that out, Boss. GIBBS: Did you pull security tapes from the gas station? ZIVA: There weren't any. System's been broken for months. TONY: Tire marks from the lot check out Farris' story. They're a match for a factory-standard Honda Accord. GIBBS: Well, let's hope that Abby and McGee had better luck. Come on. TONY: Ah... MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ABBY AND MCGEE SLEEPING) TONY: I wouldn't call this luck. GIBBS: (WHISPERS) Your computer is on fire. ABBY: McGee! My baby's French-frying! MCGEE: Checking internal core temperature! (SFX: RAPID KEYBOARDING) ABBY: That is so not funny, Gibbs. MCGEE: I must have nodded off. GIBBS: Tell me that you two have something. ABBY: We have something. We just don't know what it is. GIBBS: It looks like a time table for an operation. ABBY: The problem is the events on the axis are encrypted. MCGEE: We've been trying to crack it all night. TONY: Try harder, McGee. Chances of finding her alive drop to almost zero after forty-eight hours. (TO GIBBS) Sorry, I'm sure you knew that, Boss. GIBBS: Don't apologize, Dinozzo. TONY: Right. Sign of weakness. ZIVA: Not to mention annoying. ABBY: We were able to pull some programs off her directory. This is the only one that stands out. MorphPro. It's super high end imaging softward. It's unusual, because it retails for over five thousand dollars. TONY: Big bucks on a Lieutenant's salary. ZIVA: What's it for? ABBY: Morphing human features. Um, we pulled some test runs out of her cache. TONY: Ah, yeah. This is like the end of Saving Private Ryan. You know, when Matt Damon morphs into his older self. Anybody else get head faked by that, 'cause Tom Hanks was who I thought -- ZIVA: I've seen software like this before, Abby. Mossad used earlier versions to age Nazi war criminals. It was a great asset to hunting them down. GIBBS: So basically what you're saying to me is, we have nothing. ABBY: Gibbs! Ziva's talking about Nazis. I wouldn't exactly call Nazi's nothing. GIBBS: Abby. ABBY: We have nothing until we crack her encryptions. MCGEE: You mean if. It's high level. It's extremely sophisticated. DUCKY: Would her password help? ABBY: Well yeah, Ducky, but we don't have it. DUCKY: Well, I just spent a long night in our Lieutenant's head. I may be able to offer some suggestions. Try Coral Gables. (SFX: KEYBOARDING) DUCKY: Uh.. Fiddler's Green. (SFX: KEYBOARDING) DUCKY: Hampton Inn. GIBBS: Nice try. Tony, Ziva, with me. DUCKY: Spanish Rose.(SFX: KEYBOARDING) (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES) ABBY: Whoa! MCGEE: We're in! Ducky, that's... ABBY: .... mind-blowingly amazing. DUCKY: It's more of an art, than a science. Oh, Lieutenant Sullivan was indeed into targeting people. She was using all her military knowledge and skills to find a husband. GIBBS: Well, it looks like she found herself a psycho instead, Doctor Mallard. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Now that we have access to her files, we can see she was using MorphPro to predict the appearance of her adult offspring. TONY: Creepy. No wonder she couldn't find a husband. MCGEE: You know, choosing someone to spend the rest of your life with is not easy. Who wouldn't want to know all the facts before deciding? ZIVA: Isn't that what dating's all about? TONY: Yeah, you should try that sometime, McGee. MCGEE: Gee, I wonder what would happen if you two hooked up? Guys, meet your love child. (SFX: ZIVA LAUGHS) TONY AND ZIVA: (IN UNISON) Do Gibbs and the Director! ZIVA: Mmm. Now that's not a bad combination. TONY: Even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her. GIBBS: Never more than once, Dinozzo. ABBY: Ah! You and the Director make nice Gibblets, Gibbs. GIBBS: McGee, pull up that website. While you three were playing, Abby found out where our Lieutenant was the day she was abducted. ZIVA: Speed dating? ABBY: There was an email invitation on her computer. It's a three day event and she went missing after the first day. GIBBS: Gas station where Farris stole her SUV was two blocks from the hotel hosting it. TONY: So she wasn't screaming about being singled out by a guy. ZIVA: She was talking about this. MCGEE: I've heard of V-S-O. Apparently they have an eighty-five percent success rate. ZIVA: For what? MCGEE: For marriages. GIBBS: What about kidnappings, McGee? MCGEE: I will work on getting a list of clients attending the event. ABBY: I tried it. Their lawyers say the "Virginia Singled Out" is a confidential service. So they keep their client list under lock and key. TONY: Warrant. On it, Boss. GIBBS: Not enough time. It ends tonight. ABBY: I can't tell you who is there, but I can tell you that it's the same guys from Sunday night. You want to know how I know? MCGEE: The V-S-O is designed to introduce successful men to a wide assortment of eligible women. Each night brings the promise of romance and a chance finding your soul mate. (BEAT) Or so I've heard. Okay, know what? I... I thought about going to one... one time. TONY: After this is over, you and I are going to have a little talk. ABBY: So the men remain the same, but the women change every night. GIBBS: Hey, we're doing this the old fashioned way. So Ziva, do you still think being a geek makes for a good cover? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY MCGEE: You sure about this? DUCKY: Oh, absolutely. We have created an image of Lieutenant Sullivan's type. Yeah, hopefully the similarities will trigger a visceral response in our kidnapper. ZIVA: Do you really think he'll come back for another woman, Ducky? DUCKY: No, no, no, no, no. I think he'll come back to avoid suspicion. I doubt you'll be in any kind of danger. MCGEE: Video-surveillance glasses. TONY: Good work, McGee! ZIVA: I look like a dork. TONY: Yeah, that's the point. ABBY: And this is a portable finger print scanner. It's wireless. MCGEE: And we'll know within a matter of seconds if the prints you collect match our mystery print from the SUV. ABBY: All you have to do is get each dater to press his right index finger here. ZIVA: Really? Is that all, Abby? How do you suggest I do that? GIBBS: Improvise. You'll figure it out. TONY: Our priority is IDing the members and finding out which one drives a silver Honda Accord. GIBBS: Questions? ZIVA: Just one. Can anyone please explain what speed-dating is? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT ZIVA: Ninety-second dates? I thought you were kidding me, Gibbs. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) You'll do fine, Ziva. I had marriages shorter than that. ZIVA: Huh! I'm starting to understand why. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - NIGHT GIBBS: Tony, sit-rep. TONY: (ON MONITOR/FILTERED) No silver Accord in the parking structure. Our girl's looking a little nervous, though. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT TONY: I think we found her kryptonite. Our big bad spy doesn't do geek. ZIVA: Did he just say Greek? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - NIGHT GIBBS: How about both of you, (V.O.) shut up! M.C.: (V.O.) Okay, daters... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT M.C.: ... we've got a really full house tonight, so please remember, be courteous to each other and move at the sound of the chime. Please begin now. (SFX: CHIME) LARRY: Hi, Natalie! I'm Larry. ZIVA: Hi. Uh... last name? LARRY: Uh, West. Uh... banker by trade. But my passion happens to be astronomy. Um... why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself? ZIVA: I like computers. And that stuff you do with the yarn. LARRY: Knitting? ZIVA: Yes! That's it. LARRY: Has anyone ever told you you're very attractive, Natalie? ZIVA: My brother. LARRY: That's interesting. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Get his prints, Ziva. ZIVA: You know, I feel... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - NIGHT MCGEE: Interface is up. She's getting his print now.(SFX: ZIVA TALKS B.G.) ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) ...With you, Gary. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT LARRY: Larry. ZIVA: Oh. LARRY: What have you got in your hand there? ZIVA: It's called a mood scanner. See? LARRY: Oh. ZIVA: It lets me know if you're in the mood. LARRY: Ooh, very New Age. I like that. (CHUCKLES) ZIVA: There is something about your eyes. LARRY: I get that a lot. It's allergies. ZIVA: Oh. What kind of car do you drive? LARRY: Does it really matter? ZIVA: Well, cars get me ... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - NIGHT ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) ... extremely hot, Larry! LARRY: (V.O./FILTERED) I drive... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT LARRY: ... a Porch. ZIVA: You mean a Porsche? LARRY: Yeah. It's in the shop. ZIVA: That's a nice ... car. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - NIGHT MCGEE: Oh for one. Twenty-four more guys to go.(VOICES B.G.) GIBBS: He's clean, Ziva. ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah, well you didn't have to smell him, Gibbs. GIBBS: And do turn up the charm, Ziva David. You're a geek, not mentally deranged. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA MEETS DATES) (INTERCUT SCENES OF GIBBS IN MTAC) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BAR - NIGHT THOMAS: Get you another one, Sir? TONY: Oh, yeah sure. Why not? Thanks, Graham. THOMAS: You with the speed-dating party, Sir? TONY: Why? Do I look like I need that stuff to get a date? THOMAS: I have to ask, Sir. They get fifteen percent off drinks. TONY: Mm. Just my luck. I'm just waiting for a friend. Met her online last month. She was supposed to be here an hour ago. Want to see a picture? Recognize her? THOMAS: Dirty vodka martini. She's a regular. Saw her around on Sunday afternoon. TONY: Really? Was she alone or with someone? THOMAS: She was with the speed-dating party. A couple guys were buying drinks for her afterwards. You know how that goes. TONY: Yeah. Yeah. Any of those McFisters here now? THOMAS: That's one of them. Over there. The gentleman with the glasses across from the nerdy-looking girl. TONY: Yeah, thank you. Did you get that, Boss? GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - NIGHT GIBBS: Got it. I need a print on this guy, and you are out of time, Ziva. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT ZIVA: Really? HOOPER: Oh, yeah! I think there's something spiritual about glass. Hot molten silicate, shaping it with nothing-- ZIVA: You know, I feel an attraction between us, Calvin. HOOPER: Really? ZIVA: Yes. Something animal, you know. Something uh... primal. HOOPER: Okay. M.C.: (V.O.) And time! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - NIGHT MCGEE: Print didn't scan. GIBBS: Ziva, we still need his... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) ... print! MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) But we did... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - NIGHT MCGEE: ... get a hit on his name. Calvin Hooper reported a silver Honda Accord stolen Sunday night in Fairfax. He could have been the one following Farris. GIBBS: Tony, take him down, quietly. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT TONY: Intercepting now, Boss. ZIVA: Would you like to get a bite to eat, Calvin? HOOPER: Uh, you mean... together? ZIVA: Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - NIGHT HOOPER: (ON MONITOR/FILTERED) Uh... well, sure! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT HOOPER: I'd love to! ZIVA: Or let's just skip the dinner and go straight for desert! HOOPER: You know, this kind of thing never happens to me. ZIVA: Oh! TONY: Calvin Hooper? HOOPER: Yes? Huh? ZIVA: Remove your hand... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - NIGHT ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) ... or I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it! HOOPER: (ON MONITOR) Um... MCGEE: It's not a match! GIBBS: What? Run it again! MCGEE: Boss, he's not our guy. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM HOOPER: But you've no right to arrest me. TONY: You're not under arrest, Calvin. ZIVA: Yet. TONY: We just want to clear up a few things. HOOPER: No one read me my Miranda rights. TONY: That's because you're not under arrest. ZIVA: Yet! TONY: Ziva! ZIVA: Sorry! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM SHEPARD: You should be proud of him. GIBBS: Dinozzo? SHEPARD: When you left, there were some rocky moments. He really held the team together. GIBBS: That's what I trained him to do. SHEPARD: I just thought you should know he excelled at it. GIBBS: Then give him his own team, Jen. SHEPARD: You think he's ready? GIBBS: I wouldn't have quit if he wasn't. SHEPARD: You should tell him that. GIBBS: Oh, trust me. When Dinozzo thinks he's ready for his own team, you'll know about it. Hell, the whole world will know about it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM TONY: You say you reported your car stolen Sunday night. HOOPER: Yes. Is that some kind of crime? TONY: No. Of course, not. However, filing a false police report.... ZIVA: Crime!! HOOPER: I think I want a lawyer now. TONY: What part of "you're not under arrest" don't you get, Calvin? HOOPER: So I'm... I'm free to go here at any time? TONY: Sure. Unless we charge you with a crime. See, the thing is, Cal, can I call you Cal? Arresting you means more paperwork for me. So what I need from you is the truth. HOOPER: But my car really was stolen. TONY: Which sucks for you. Unfortunately you reported it stolen from your home in Fairfax. ZIVA: Speed-dating is a three day event. You stayed at the Belmar every night. You paid cash up front. TONY: Which was wise, considering that you're married and attending a speed-dating service. ZIVA: I'm calling his wife. HOOPER: No! Wait! Please. It wasn't stolen from my house, but you can't - I - she'll find out. (V.O./FILTERED) My wife was at (ON CAMERA) her sister's place in Jersey. They just had a baby. I've been married eighteen years now. I was just trying to have a little fun. TONY: Yeah. What we need to know is where and when, Cal. HOOPER: The first day of the event, I struck out. ZIVA: Shocking. HOOPER: So I drove over to the Texaco station around six to get some cigarettes and wine. And I'm in the store maybe a minute when I look out and this guy is driving away in my car! TONY: Please describe him. HOOPER: White, about your height. He was wearing a Chicago Cubs hat. And really, you know, I just got a glimpse of him but... ZIVA: Not good enough. You grabbed my ass, Calvin. HOOPER: No, hold on! Hold on! Just a second. Um... give me a second! Just a second to... um... when I drove up he uh... he was standing out front, and he was on the pay phone. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM HOOPER: (V.O./FILTERED) I swear that's all that ever happened. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Farris stole the Lieutenant's SUV with the Lieutenant in it from the gas station at around eighteen hundred. TONY: And Cubs Hat steals Calvin's car at the same time, same place, and follows him. ZIVA: Well, do you think they were working together? TONY: It's possible. GIBBS: Except they weren't. Guy in the Cubby hat stopped by to use the pay phone. Probably didn't want to risk being overheard. Didn't figure on Farris coming by and stealing his car. TONY: So he had to steal the Accord to follow Farris. GIBBS: If he wanted the Lieutenant back. TONY: Well, we've got to get that pay phone, find out who he was calling. GIBBS: McGee just brought it back. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: ABBY: Feast your eyes on a Western Electric one-D-two. A piece of nineteen eighty-nine's finest technology. (CONT.) The three latent prints that we took of this phone matched our mystery print that we got from the back of Sullivan's SUV. Cubs Hat is definitely our kidnapper. ZIVA: Did you run the calls made Sunday night? ABBY: Did and done, Ziva. The traces just came in. There were only four calls made from the payphone that night. I mean, the payphone industry has been decimated by cell phone penetration. The only time you really use a pay phone would be on an airplane, which is probably the reason that you can't use your cell phone on an airplane- GIBBS: (OVERLAP) Abs, the missing Lieutenant. ABBY: Right. Um... three of the calls were to taxi cab companies, and one was to a warehouse in Fredericksburg. It's a rental space. There's the address. GIBBS: Abby! Good job. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) ABBY: Those are two words I will never take for granted again, Bert. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL MOVE INTO THE WAREHOUSE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL SEARCH THE WAREHOUSE) TONY: Clear! MCGEE: No one's here, Boss. ZIVA: The Lieutenant was here. It's her purse; military I.D. is still inside. GIBBS: They knew we were coming. TONY: Maybe not, Boss. You definitely need to check this out. It looks like a professional crew. Detailed itineraries, blueprints, and a scale model. ZIVA: It's for the Belmar Plaza Hotel. MCGEE: They're planning a heist? TONY: Yeah, a big one. Coin convention and auction. They're planning on hitting the hotel's vault. MCGEE: Does it say how? GIBBS: From inside. They're working the place. MCGEE: What does the Lieutenant have to do with this? ZIVA: She was dating one of them. Alpha bravo one zero one six. The missing profile. It says here he's a hotel bartender. Lied to her about his entire past. TONY: She ran a background check on his cover. ZIVA: I can only imagine he panicked when she started questioning him about it. TONY: We need to get to the hotel before they hit the vault. GIBBS: They started four minutes ago. Come on! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. HOTEL VAULT - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CREW UNLOAD THE COINS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CREW MOVE THE COINS INTO THE LAUNDRY CART) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. LAUNDRY TRUCK - NIGHT (SFX: ANNIE'S MUFFLED CRIES CONTINUE B.G.) THOMAS: You really had us scared there for a minute, Annie. We thought you might be F.B.I. or a detective working for the hotel. But no cops. Looks like you were telling me the truth. I'd wish you luck with the whole husband thing but, I don't think it's really going to work out for you. I'm not exactly the marrying type. (SFX: KNOCK ON METAL) (SFX: WAREHOUSE DOOR SLIDES OPEN) THOMAS: We're running eight minutes behind schedule. Sanitize the warehouse. We meet at the airport in two hours. (SFX: WAREHOUSE DOOR SLIDES CLOSED) THOMAS: It's nothing personal, Annie. You just know too much.(SFX: MUFFLED CRYING B.G.) ZIVA: Don't move! Drop your weapon! Or if you prefer, I can shoot you in the spine. Would you rather be a para or quadriplegic? (SFX: SIRENS/ POLICE CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) GIBBS: (V.O./SHOUTS) NCIS! TONY: (SHOUTS) Put your hands where we can see them! (PASSAGE OF TIME) (SFX: POLICE RADIOS B.G.) ZIVA: Have a seat. SULLIVAN: Thank you. Thank you. TONY: (TO GIBBS) You can't tell me you didn't miss this when you were in Mexico. GIBBS: A couple of minutes. TONY: That's it? GIBBS: That's the difference between putting the Lieutenant in a body bag or an ambulance. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - NIGHT (KNOCK ON DOOR) SHEPARD: Come in, Tony! (DOOR OPENS) TONY: How'd you know it was me? SHEPARD: Because your deadline passed hours ago. (DOOR CLOSES) TONY: I've made my decision. SHEPARD: And I respect it. Sometimes I even wish I made the same one myself. TONY: But I'm passing on the promotion, Jenny. SHEPARD: I know. TONY: Well, how can you know? I just made up my mind behind the door. SHEPARD: To get here in this office, especially as a woman, my career has been on the fast track my entire life. And between you and me, sometimes I wish I'd taken it a little slower. TONY: Hm. So you're not disappointed? SHEPARD: No. Actually, I'm feeling a bit proud at the moment. TONY: Hm. SHEPARD: Go home and get some sleep. TONY: Listen, this wouldn't... be the right time to bring up the possibility of a performance award or ... SHEPARD: Good night, Tony. TONY: Yeah, I didn't think so. Good night, Jenny.(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)

Plan: A: Gibbs; Q: Who returns to NCIS? A: the kidnapping; Q: What is the crime that the team is investigating? A: a Navy Lieutenant; Q: What was the rank of the kidnapped woman? A: a computer specialist; Q: What is the kidnapped woman's job? A: her military knowledge; Q: What did the kidnapped woman use to profile potential husbands? A: speed dating events; Q: What type of events was the kidnapped woman attending? A: the kidnapper; Q: Who does Ziva go undercover to identify? A: suspicion; Q: What does Ziva go undercover to avoid? A: Ziva; Q: Who goes undercover at a speed-dating event? A: a promotion; Q: What does Tony decline? A: team leader; Q: What position did Tony hold while Gibbs was retired? Summary: Gibbs returns to NCIS and leads his team to investigate the kidnapping of a Navy Lieutenant, who is a computer specialist. They discover that the Lieutenant had used her military knowledge to profile potential husbands and was attending speed dating events. When they suspect that the kidnapper may continue attending the event in order to avoid suspicion, Ziva goes undercover at a speed-dating event to identify him. In addition, Tony is offered a promotion - and his own team - as a reward for his performance as team leader while Gibbs was retired but declines and remains in Gibbs' team.

Act One. Scene One - Café Nervosa. Frasier is sat with a coffee when Roz enters and sits with him. Roz: Hey, Frasier. Frasier: Hello, Roz. Happy New Year. [they hug] Or should I say "Happy New Millennium?" Roz: Oh, barf, I'm so sick of talking about it. Frasier: Oh, now Roz, let's not condemn the new Millennium just because you woke up in it with a hangover. That's what ruined church for you. Roz: [to waiter] Decaf latte, please. [to Frasier] I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant. And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it. I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey! Frasier: I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor. Roz: Thank you. And what did you do? Get all freaky and finish your list of the century's greatest thinkers? Frasier: No, my New Year's was plenty exciting enough, thank you very much! Although not exactly in the way I'd planned... [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. We flashback to the 30th of December 1999. The apartment is still decorated for Christmas, Martin is sat in his chair as Frasier opens the door to an anxious Niles. Niles: Cancel the Millennium! "Chez Henri" has burned down! Frasier: Burned down?! Niles: Yes! Apparently, Henri was caramelizing a huge crème brûlèe in the shape of Puget Sound, when a sugar spark ignited a thirty-foot paper maché "Space Needle." They're already calling it the worst centerpiece disaster in the history of Seattle. Frasier: Henri built his reputation with that caramelizing torch. My God, the irony of him burning down his own restaurant with it. It's worthy of "Oh! Henry." Niles: "Oh! Henri." [laughs] Frasier: Please, Niles, it's too soon to joke. What exactly are we going to do tomorrow night? Every restaurant in town worth going to has been booked for months. Martin: Well, you know, you can join me and the boys at McGinty's. It's going to be a lot of fun, they're going to dye the beer green. Niles: Why would you do that on New Year's Eve? Martin: Oh well, McGinty's going in for a bypass next month and he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Paddy's Day. Niles: This is a disaster! Martin: No, they'll just pop in another pig valve. You know, the only reason he needs it is because he eats so much bacon. So, the same thing that's killing him is keeping him alive. [laughs] There's your "Oh! Henry" story. Niles: Well, maybe we can just stay in tomorrow night. Frasier: On the most significant New Year's Eve of our lifetime?! I think not! Niles: I should have just gone with Mel. She and her mother are taking a hot air balloon through the wine country. [Martin and Frasier look at him] Well, not in the balloon, no, but I could have followed along in the recovery vehicle. Frasier: Wait a minute! Speaking of wine, wasn't the wine club having some sort of a party? Niles: Yes, at Ken Lauerbock's place in Sun Valley. Oh, it's a huge event. Frasier: Of course, "Auld Lang Wine!" Niles, call to see if we're still invited. Niles: All right, I'm on it. Niles exits to the kitchen whilst using his mobile as Daphne enters with some mail. She isn't too thrilled. Daphne: Bloody hell! Five days after Christmas is over and I'm still getting these cards! They do it on purpose, you know. It's always from someone you forgot, and then it's too late to send one back, then they sneer at you for the rest of the year! [reads card] "Peace and Goodwill," my ass! You just lost yourself a customer, Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.! Martin: [sarcastic] Losing a set of English teeth, he'll feel that! She scowls and drops an envelope into his lap. Daphne: This is for you, from the DMV. Martin: Oh-ho, I know what this is! The custom plates I ordered for my Winnebago! [takes them out] Yay! Well, fifty bucks, but I think it says it all. Frasier and Daphne try to make sense of the plates that read "RDWRER". Frasier: "Erd... Whirr-Er"? Daphne: "Rid-Worr-Yer"? Frasier: "Red Wearer"! Martin: Oh, for God's sake! "Road Warrior"! Daphne: Of course! [sarcastic] For a retired man with a cane and a Winnebago, I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it! Niles re-enters from the kitchen. Niles: Huzzah! [to Daphne] Hello, Daphne. [to Frasier] Ken said he'd love to have us come and [to Martin] the more the merrier. Frasier: Oh, Niles, that's brilliant. Dad, please, please, won't you join us? You know what, say, let's call the travel agent. Daphne: Not to rain on your parade, but you may have a tough time getting flights this late. Donny and I had a devil of a time getting our flights to San Francisco. Frasier: Oh Daphne, they always set aside a few choice seats for Seattle's travel elite. Niles gleefully begins dialing his cell phone. SMASH CUT TO: Scene Three - The Winnebago. We quickly cut to the following day. It seems that the Crane brothers aren't amongst the travel elite as they ride down to Sun Valley with Martin and Eddie. A motorist beeps them from behind. Motorist: [v.o.] Pick a lane, Road Warrior! Martin: See, he got it! He-hee! [Martin puts his thumb up at him in glee] [SCENE_BREAK] ARE WE THERE YET? Scene Four - The Winnebago. A little while later, the Crane gang are still driving. It is still daytime. Frasier is now behind the wheel, Martin is in the passenger seat with Eddie whilst Niles is in a separate seat with the map. Martin: Being on the road like this, it's like we're three dusty hobos sharing a box-car to parts unknown. Niles: Yes, well, if you don't take this next turn we'll end up in "Californy." Frasier: Gee, Niles, you seem a little cranky. Niles: Well, perhaps that's because I was rousted out of a warm bed at the crack of dawn and herded onto a Winnebago! Martin: Better safe than sorry, Niles. You know, it's 650 miles to Sun Valley, and half of that's through the mountains. Niles: By the way, how are we going to explain to the wine club our arriving in a Winnebago? Frasier: Just chalk it off to whimsy, Niles. We'll call it our "Van Ordinaire!" [laughs] You know, besides, I'm actually enjoying this little trip through the heartland. I feel a bit out of touch with the common man, it's nice to reconnect. Niles: Well, while you're reconnecting, why don't you let me drive? Frasier and Martin give each other a look of horror. Frasier: I would, Niles. It's just that, em... I need you to navigate. Martin: Yeah, you're the most important member of our crew, good buddy! Frasier: The man with the map! Niles: Stop patronizing me, I want to drive. Martin: Oh, you're not good with big cars, Niles. Remember when I tried to teach you to drive my LeSabre? You kept panicking and pulling on the emergency brake. Niles: Well, it's a good thing I did. Those mailboxes weren't even slowing me down! Martin notices something out of the window. Martin: Oh, did you see that sign? "Little Red Cabin." Do you remember those diners? [laughs] "Home of the Log Roller: a flank steak wrapped around a combination of eggs, cheese and onions!" You kids used to love eating there. You'd scream out at me, "Dad, pull over. Quick, pull over!" Frasier: Actually, Dad, that was after we ate! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - The Winnebago. It's sometime later. Frasier is alone in the cabin. He's driving whilst humming along to some classical music on the stereo. Niles enters from the sleeping area. He looks very tired. Frasier: [noticing Niles] Oh, Niles. [turns stereo off] I thought you were sleeping. We then hear a very loud guffaw from the sleeping quarters, it's Martin. Niles: I was trying to, but Dad wanted to watch the VCR. Frasier: Oh, good Lord, not "Robin and the Seven Hoods" again. Martin is heard laughing again. Niles: Worse. Martin enters. Martin: Yeah, baby, you know, that was a shag-a-delic flick! The Crane brothers look at each other. Niles: You know, dad, if you're quite done, I think I'll try to take a nap. Martin: [Austin-Powers-ish] Oh, beeehave! Niles exits to the sleeping quarters as Martin takes his seat. Frasier: You know, Dad, you do realize that the "Austin Powers" craze is completely over! Martin: Well, I'm sorry, do I bore you? Or do I make you randy? [laughs] Frasier's mobile rings. He answers. Frasier: [to phone] Hello. Yes, Niles. I'm driving as smoothly as I can. Any other little driving tips you'd like to give me, [shouts back to the quarters] why don't you just come up here and tell me to my face! [hangs up] Martin: Hey, look, another "Little Red Cabin" sign. You know, we're not going to find anything better to eat on this highway. Frasier: Oh, let's not be hasty, Dad. It's five miles away, we might run over something before then! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - A Little Red Cabin. Niles, Frasier and Martin are sat in the diner reading the menus. They are sat below a huge window overlooking the car-park. Road Warrior is parked right outside the window. Niles: You know, I am so tired, I can barely read this menu. Frasier: It's all right, Niles. You don't have to read. You can just point to a picture of the food you want! Martin: What's this? "A Log Roller with your choice of cheese." You can't have a Log Roller without American cheese! Frasier: Apparently you can't get anything in this restaurant without American cheese. Including the menu! [wipes cheese off menu] Another Winnebago, identical to the Road Warrior, pulls up in front of the RW. An elderly couple gets out of it. Martin: Niles, if you're so tired, why don't you go back to the Road Warrior and take a nap? Niles: Oh, you know, that's a good idea. At least it'll be quiet. [rises] Martin: I wonder if you can still get Sticky Shingles here? Niles: One look at the salad bar says yes. [exits] Martin: What looks good to you, Fras? Frasier: Well, actually, Dad, you know, I think I'll have a hamburger. We see Niles outside getting onto the wrong Winnebago. Frasier: Would you order that for me, Dad? Martin: Yeah. You're going some place? Frasier: As a matter of fact, I am. I'm going to take a chance and reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine: America. Martin groans as Frasier approaches a farmer sitting at the bar. Frasier: Hello there. [sits with him] Could I buy you a cup of coffee? You see, I'm just a wandering city mouse, trying to get in touch with America. Now, you, you look like you be a farmer. Farmer: Oh, I get it. You see a guy in a rural diner wearing shabby clothes and you pin your little label on him. Well guess what, I am a farmer, but I'm also a beautiful, flawed, complicated human being and it's going to take more than a cup of coffee to get inside here. Frasier: I'll just go see how my father's doing. Frasier walks back to Martin and sits. Martin: How was he? Frasier: Beautiful, flawed, unpleasant. Martin: Well, according to the map it's about three hundred miles to Sun Valley. Frasier: Oh, that's delightful, Dad. You know what, we'll get there in plenty of time for the party. Martin: Now listen, you know, your brother's going to be hungry, maybe we should bring him a sandwich. Frasier: I wouldn't worry about Niles, Dad. Meanwhile, the couple return to their Winnebago and drive away with the sleeping Niles. Frasier: He's so tired, let's just let him sleep for the rest of the trip. Martin: Are you sure? Frasier: Oh sure. It's the most exciting day of the year, Dad. For God's sakes, you know, when Niles wakes up I guarantee the last thing he'll be thinking about is sandwiches! End of Act One. Act Two. ARE WE THERE YET? Scene One - The Wrong Winnebago. An old woman, Betty, and her husband, Clifford, are driving the Winnebago that Niles has fallen asleep in. Betty: Oh my goodness. Look what I just found in my pocket, the lighter I borrowed from that waitress in the restaurant. I feel terrible! Clifford: Forget it, Mother. We're not taking it back. Meanwhile, Niles wakes up in the sleeping quarters and hears the rest of the conversation. He is alarmed. Betty: Well, I really think we should just turn around and say we're sorry and return it. Clifford: I think we ought to keep it. Our old one's nearly out of fuel anyway. Betty: It doesn't make it right. We're still criminals in the eyes of the law. Clifford: There's a lot worse criminals than you and me. Do you remember that last gun show we went to? We must have seen at least three different people swiping boxes of shells. Betty: There's one thing you can say for us, we pay for our ammo! Niles, in panic, crouches in the corner and takes out his cell phone. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - The Winnebago. Frasier is driving as Martin chats to him. Martin: So at this party tonight, there going to be a lot of shagnificent birds?! Frasier: Dad, I'm begging you. Frasier's mobile sounds. He answers. Frasier: Hello? [peeved] Niles, would you please stop doing this! [hangs up] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - The Wrong Winnebago. Meanwhile, Clifford and Betty are still going. Clifford: I'm getting a little drowsy. Betty: Well, if you're so tired, just scootch over, I'll take the wheel. The two change seats. Niles meanwhile phones the police. Niles: Yes, yes, hello. I'm being kidnapped, this is an emergency, I'm being kidnapped. I'm in a stolen Winnebago heading east on I-84. I can't talk any louder, I'm being stolen. Yes, yes. Washington plates, R-D-W-R-E-R: Road Warrior. Yes, it does. It does so, sound it out. Oh, never mind, for God's sake, just save me! Meanwhile, Clifford stands up. Clifford: You know what, I'm getting sleepy, I'm going back for a little lie-down. Betty: All right. [as Clifford is just about to enter the sleeping quarters] Oh wait Dad, look, there's another one of those "Little Red Cabin"'s. Why don't we just stop and have some supper first? Clifford: 'Cause I'm tired and I'm not hungry. Betty: [sternly] Clifford! Clifford: Well, I guess a sandwich wouldn't kill me. Betty: I feel sort of funny even stopping here, it's a little like returning to the scene of the crime. Clifford: Mother! Let it go! The couple exit the Winnebago, leaving the keys in the roof visor. Niles appears from the back and cautiously climbs into the driving seat. He adjusts his mirror and starts the engine before driving off. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - The Winnebago. Martin and Frasier have come to a halt. Martin exits with Eddie into the woods. Martin: All right, Eddie. Let's go sign nature's guest book! Meanwhile, Frasier's mobile rings. He answers it. Frasier: Hello. Niles: [v.o.] Frasier. Frasier: Yes. Niles: Niles. Throughout the following the camera switches between Niles driving the wrong Winnebago and Frasier in the Road Warrior. Niles: Put your fears to rest, I've got Dad's Winnebago back! Frasier: Niles, what on earth are you talking about? You must have had a nightmare? Niles: Indeed I have, but it's over now and I've managed to give the thugs a taste of their own thieving medicine! Frasier goes to the sleeping quarters and pulls back the curtains. No one is there. Frasier gasps. Frasier: Niles! Niles, where are you calling from? Niles: From behind the wheel of the "Road Warrior" and doing a damn fine job driving it too, I might add. Frasier: Well, I'm in the "Road Warrior"! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago! Niles: Don't be absurd. Niles looks around his Winnebago. He sees a photo of Betty and Clifford on the wall. He whimpers in apprehension. He notices an ash tray on the dashboard and whimpers again. He picks up a personalized coffee mug - "World's Greatest Grandma." Niles: OH MY GOD! While he has been distracted, the Winnebago has veered. Returning his attention to the road, he desperately hauls the wheel back, then panics and pulls on the emergency break. The Winnebago screeches to a stop and Niles falls out of his seat. Frasier: All right, Niles. Just keep your head, there's no need to panic! Officer: [o.s., over loudspeaker] This is the police! Exit the vehicle immediately with your hands above your head. Frasier drops his mobile, raises his hands and exits. Outside he finds Martin standing up against the side of the van, and also little Eddie with his paws above his head. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - The Little Red Cabin. Meanwhile, Betty and Clifford are still eating their meal. Betty: How's that turkey club, Dad? Clifford: A little dry. Niles parks the Winnebago in the lot and gets out. He cautiously walks past the window and enters the cabin. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - The Winnebago. The officer is explaining to the Crane men. Officer: Sorry about the misunderstanding. These papers all check out, sir. [hands them over] Martin: Well, if there's nothing else, we're in a hurry to get to Sun Valley. Frasier: But, not too much of a hurry. [laughs] Officer: Well, drive safely. Martin: Thank you. The policeman exits. Martin: What a clown. I can tell you ten things he did wrong right off the bat. Frasier: Well, at least he was apologetic. Martin: Oh, these hick towns give any bozo a badge. [the officer appears at the window and overhears] A goober like that wouldn't last ten minutes in a real police force. [notices the peeved officer] ...without getting a promotion! Officer: Your license! [hands it over] Frasier drives off. Frasier's mobile sounds and he answers. The scene cuts back and forth between him and Niles, using his mobile near the pay phone in the restaurant. Frasier: Hello. Niles: Hello, Frasier. I managed to solve the problem, I returned the Winnebago. Frasier: To where? Where are you? Niles: Well, I'm in Baker City, Oregon. Frasier: Baker City?! Martin: Shag me rotten! That's three hundred miles! Frasier: Niles, we will never get there and then back to Sun Valley before midnight. Niles: Well I'm not going to ring in the new year in a "Little Red Cabin." Frasier: All right, all right, listen, the only way we can ever pull this off is if you can catch a ride in this direction. Niles: Hold on, hold on. In the Little Red Cabin, Niles uses the pay phone as a cover for eavesdropping on Betty and Clifford who are just leaving. Betty: [looking at lighter] Oh my gosh, it's engraved. Dad, I'm not going to enjoy the rest of this trip until I return this woman's lighter. Clifford: Mother, do you expect me to turn around and drive a hundred and fifty miles back to that Little Red Cabin? We are not going, end of discussion. Betty: Clifford. Clifford has to give in. Niles: [into phone] Good news, I'm on my way. [hangs up] CUT TO: The Winnebago. Frasier: Niles says he can make it back to the restaurant where we first got separated, all I have to do now is to turn this boat around. Martin: Thirty miles to the next exit. Frasier: I can't wait that long! Martin: Well, you can't do a U-ey on an interstate. Frasier: That's twentieth century talk, Dad. Welcome to the future! We then see the Winnebago cut across the grass and into the other lane. However, a police car is following them. Frasier: God, that felt great! Wow, this is really quite an adventure, isn't it, Dad! The police turn their sirens on. Martin: It is now. Frasier: Oh, dear God. Martin: All right, just relax, Frasier. Now, I know cops. Just let me do the talking, and we'll be out of here in two minutes. Frasier: All right Dad, let's switch. Martin moves into the driving seat. The police officer comes to the window, it is the same one that arrested them earlier. Officer: Well, look who's here. Do you boys know what you did wrong back there? Martin: Yeah, yeah, I know, a U-turn. Officer: Nope, called me a goober! Martin and Frasier look worried. [SCENE_BREAK] LATER THE SAME MILLENNIUM Scene Seven - The Little Red Cabin. Niles is sat in the cabin looking very bored. A large waitress is on the tills as Frasier and Martin walk in. Frasier: Niles, I'm so sorry we're late. Niles: Ah, well. Not to worry, when you're here at the cross-roads of the world you have the human drama to amuse you. Martin: Well, happy new year, boys. Frasier: Yes, five minutes ago! Everyone in the world will have a wonderful story to tell about where they were and what they were doing when the Millennium dawned. What is our story? Speeding along a lonely highway [to Niles] and you here doing nothing. Niles: Well, not exactly nothing. Big Sandy let me watch the register while she emptied the rat traps. Martin: Hey, wait a minute, where are we? Frasier: Well, Dad, I've never seen a picture of the official middle of nowhere, but I assume... Martin: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the middle of nowhere, Mountain Time, right? It's still only 11:05 Pacific Time. Niles: Which can't be more than forty-five minutes from here. Martin: Right! We can cross the line and toast in the new year. Frasier: Dad, that's brilliant! And there was a delightful little restaurant just across the border. Martin: Well, the guide book said it was pretentious. Frasier: Perfect, let's roll! The three exit the cabin. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Eight - The Winnebago. Martin is driving. They are all dressed smartly in tuxedoes (even Eddie). Frasier: We're running out of time! Martin: Well, I'm doing my best, Frasier, but we seem to be losing power. Frasier: What's that noise? What's wrong with the engine? Niles: I didn't touch the emergency brake! Martin: When's the last time you put gas in this thing? Frasier: Me?! I don't even know where the thing is to put the gas into. Martin: Oh, no. I'm sorry, boys. It's dying, I'm going to be lucky to get this off the road. Frasier: I can't stand this! Have we so offended the Millennium gods that they will do anything to ruin this evening? Burn down our restaurant? Hurl vindictive lawmen and duplicate Winnebagos in our path to confound us?! Martin: [looks out of window] Hey, is that a sign? Frasier: Of course it's a sign! It's a sign that we're cursed! Martin: No, no, it is, it's a sign! Out the window we see a sign that says "Entering Pacific Time Zone." Martin: We're entering Pacific Time Zone! We're here! Frasier: We made it! Come on, Eddie! [checks his watch] Thirty seconds to spare. The three gather round the champagne but the vehicle begins to roll back. Frasier: We're rolling! We're rolling backwards. Martin: Oh, no! Niles: No need to panic, Frasier. He pulls the emergency brake, the Winnebago stops. Niles: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Martin: We rolled back into Idaho! Frasier: Follow me! Frasier grabs the champagne bottle out of the bucket and they all rush out of the Winnebago with Eddie and run up past the sign. Frasier: Ten seconds, let's look alive. [tries to open the champagne] Damn this foil! Martin: You can do it, Fras, relax and focus. Niles: Three, two, one.... Frasier pops the champagne cork. Martin: Oh-ho, we made it! Happy New Year! Frasier/Niles: Happy New Year! Niles hands out paper cups, and Frasier pours them all a drink. Niles: Well, if you ask me, this beats a dull party. Martin: Yeah... Niles: Family and good champagne and a blanket of stars. Frasier: [raises his cup] Hear, hear. They all sip. Frasier: You know what, I think this calls for a song. [sings] "Should auld acquaintance be forgot..." All: "...and never brought to mind. Should-" However, in the winds they hear coyotes howling. Eddie runs back into the Winnebago. Scared, the three follow him, finishing the lyrics. All: [rapidly] "Should-old-acquaintance-be-forgot-for-Auld-Lang- Syne..." They slam the door on the further sound of howling. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Niles is behind the wheel of the "Road Warrior." Martin is teaching him how to drive and it seems he is doing well. However, Frasier then walks up to the window with a petrol tank. It seems the Winnebago was stationary all the time.

Plan: A: Chez Henri; Q: What is the name of the restaurant that burned down? A: the new millennium; Q: What do Frasier and Niles feel has been canceled? A: alternative plans; Q: What do Frasier and Niles have to make for their New Year's celebrations? A: a better mood; Q: What is Martin's mood? A: the customized number plates; Q: What did Martin receive? A: Winnebago; Q: What kind of RV did Martin buy? A: RDWRER; Q: What is the license plate on Martin's Winnebago? A: Road Warrior; Q: What does Martin claim his license plate stands for? A: Sun Valley; Q: Where is the Wine Club hosting a celebration? A: short notice; Q: What kind of notice did Frasier and Niles have to find a flight? Summary: Chez Henri has burned down, and Frasier and Niles feel like the new millennium has been canceled. They must now make alternative plans for their New Year 's celebrations. Martin is in a better mood, having received the customized number plates he ordered for his new Winnebago RV . The plates read "RDWRER", which he claims is short for "Road Warrior". Frasier and Niles remember that the Wine Club is hosting a celebration in Sun Valley to which they are invited, but unable to find a flight at short notice, they end up traveling with Martin in the Winnebago.

[The Dungeon. On a computermonitor, Emmett jerks off violently.] Ted: 950, 975, 980, 985, 990, 995, 997, 998, 1000. [He comes.] Ted: 1003! Yes sir! Over one thousand self-satisfiedcustomers! And we're out. [As Emmett wipes himself off and puts on a robe, Tedbrings over a bottle of water and straightens the bed.] Ted: OK, you will take ten then you start round three. Emmett: I don't know if I can do. Honey, my dick's downfor the count! Ted: Listen now, you've got a lot of fans out there whowanna see you for the record. Emmett: The record? Ted: Set by the legendary Peter Pounder. He once came sixtimes in forty-five minutes. Emmett: Six times in forty-five minutes? I've been ableto do it since I was eighteen. Ted: Well, don't you worry you're pretty little dickabout it. Twice in thirty minutes is very...respectable. Emmett: Respectable? Rev up the webcam, boys! We're goingfor the gold. Ted: What a boy champ! And we're on. [The comic-book store. Debbie'sbrought lunch.] Deb: I made you sausage and peppers. And I don't hear agoddamn word about it! Michael: You're kidding me? If it wasn't for you, I'dprobably starve to death. Deb: As a mother of a future captain of industry, Icouldn't very well let that happen. Michael: There just a problem, Mom. I'm not exactly gonnabecome a Millionere for selling comics. Deb: Everybody has to start somewhere, sweetheart. Andyou've started. That's what important. I'm so proud ofyou, Michael. You've turn out to be quit a man. Sureyou're food. [Ben comes in.] Michael: Hey. Ben: Uh, I was in the neighborhood. You left this in myplace. Deb: His place? I didn't know you were getting laid. Goodfor you! I'm his mother. Ben: Yes, I remember. Deb: Oh, he remembers me. Michael: You're a little hard to forget. And for you'reinformation I didn't get laid. Deb: Oh, too bad. Well... I've go back to the diner. It'snice to see you again. Better luck this time. Bye. [Deb leaves the store.] Ben: That is some kind of mother you've got there. Michael: You don't know the half of it. Ben: Well, I like to. I will know all about you. Michael: Stop it. You're going to make me blush. Which,after growing up with her, you'd think was impossible. Ben: I also wanna see how you are after last night. Aftermy big announcement. 'My name is Ben, I'm thirty-three,Pisces, I love the outdoors and I'm HIV-positive.' Istill figured out I drop that bomb gracefully. Michael: It's only the first time it's come up withsomeone that I'm interested in. Ben: Interested as still interested? Well that's good.Because some guys they rush through the door. Seeking andfreaked out. Michael: Please. Right after my mother told me I was gay,she gave this big safe s*x lecture. I knew how to put acondom on a cucumber before I knew how to drive. Ben: I was going to ask you out tonight, but now I'm notso sure...I Michael: Why not? Ben: Well, Michael keep as a cucumber is a lot to live upto. [They laughs.] [Happy Fun Garage. Melanie andLeda are checking out Mel's car. Leda's under the hoodand shakes her head.] Mel: What do you say, doc? She gonna live? Leda: You've got grief in the gearbox, baby. Just like mylove life. Mel: So how much do we look at it? Leda: It's wouldn't be cheap. Mel: Ah, sh1t! [Lindsay pushes Gus up the driveway in his stroller.] Lindsay: Language! You trying to turn our Gus into atrash mouth? Leda: Like mommy, like son. Mel: Leda says we're looking at some major repairs. Lindsay: Oh no, just when we did have enough money savedfor the wedding. Mel: We'll have to cut a few corners. Like printing an inietationson the computer. Lindsay: I'm not havin' some tacky announcement. Mel: Fine, we can walk through the ceremony. Lindsay: There must be some other way. Mel: Forget my mom. The Early Bird special was hatched inher honor. Leda: What about you're folks? [Mel laughs.] Lindsay: What? Mel: Honey, you're a dyke, you're marrying a Jew, andyou're a registered Democrat. Need I say more? Lindsay: Well, we're bring it up to the dinner tonight. Mel: I though you're didn't wanna go. Lindsay: Now we have a reason to. Mel: I don't want you begging them for money. Lindsay: I'm not begging. They paid for all three of mysister's weddings, they can f*cking chip in for ours. Mel and Leda: Language! [Man locker room.] Ted: So is everyone up for Babylon tonight? Michael: I-I can't. I've got inventory tonight. Brian: I thought inventory was the last week in themonth. Michael: It is when you have a business it's on his feet.But when you start it out... Ted: Oh, who is he? Who is he? Michael: Nobody! Brian: I think it's that teacher. Michael: He is a professor, not a teacher. Brian: The professor. Ted: So, what does that make you, Mary Ann or Ginger? Brian: So, when we took to meet him? Michael: Never. Ted: What? Is something wrong with him? Michael: What's wrong with you? I want like this one tolive before my best friends devour him! [Emmett makes his entrance in from the shower, and isimmediately accosted by a Fetch Dixon fan.] Fan#1: Hey, you're Fetch Dixon, aren't you? Emmett: Uh, yes. Yes. Fan#1: I'm a huge fan. Not as huge as you. Emmett: Thank you, that's-that's so nice. Fan#1: Could I see it? You know, for a second. Ted: No, no, no. I'm sorry. If you want to sample themerchandise, you have to sign up for JerkAtWork.net. Emmett: [to Michael] That's the third time today. Michael: Emmett is a star. Brian: His dick's a star. He's just the life-supportsystem. Michael: Careful, or he'll get a swelled head. Ted: Hey, save it for the website. Emmett: Would y'all just stop? I'm not a star. I'm stilllittle ole me, just a plain ole country boy fromMississippi. Giving my friend Teddy a helping hand. [Dinner with the Petersons.Nancy, Linds mother, Ron, Linds father.] Nancy: And the way Lynette's been hinting, I think I maybe a grandmother soon! Lindsay: You're already are. In case you're forgot. Nancy: I know, dear. Mel: Mrs.Peterson that necklace is so beautiful. Is thatfrom red coral from Bali? Nancy: Oh, yes. Have you been? Mel: No, actually my aunt that owns a jewelry store. Nancy: Lynette got it on her honeymoon. Ron: Don't ask which. Lindsay: We decided to skip our honeymoon for right now.You know, because of all the expenses? Ron: We're out of rolls. Nancy: We should have gone to Chez Denis over on theriver. Duncan took Lynette there on Saturday, and theyhad a lovely meal. Lindsay: We're thinking about having Chez Denis cater thereception. Nancy: Isn't that too expensive? Lindsay: No more expensive than the caterer Lynette usedfor each of her weddings, all the three times. Ron: You've got to admit she's constant. Lindsay: Besides getting married these days is anexpensive position. No matter what you do. That's whywe're hoping that... you might be able to help us out. Nancy: [to Ron] When you see the waiter ask him for somewater. Lindsay: We were handling in all by ourselves but wecould use some assistants. No matter how small. Anythingwould be helpful. Nancy: Honey... Lindsay: You help her with her wedding! Nancy: That's different. Lindsay: Why is it different? Nancy: Because her wedding was real. Yours...well, Idon't know what yours is. [The Park. Mike and Ben walk andtalk past smooching couples.] Michael: I finished you book. Ben: Oh, yeah? So, 'how did you like it,' the insecurewriter asks, trying desperately to sound nonchalant. Michael: I didn't. I loved it. Especially that part wherethe Customs officials in Thailand confiscated your HIVmeds. Ben: Oh, yeah. This was one of the worst days of my life.But as they say, out of adversity comes knowledge. I'velearned to put my fears aside and just find serenity inthe chaos. Michael: I wish I can do that. I think I do the opposite.I could find chaos in serenity with my eyes closed. Ben: The secret is to stop regretting the past, andfearing the future. And just live in the now. Michael: Sounds like my mom would say. She always says,"If you've got one foot in the future, and one inthe past, then you'll piss on today." Actually shesaid sh1t but I want to clean it up before... Ben: [laughs] Actually you'r mom and Buddha had a lot incommon. Michael: What, they're both Jenny Craig dropouts? Ben: No, no. Uh, he teaches you to focus on the smallestdetails. The way the breeze feels against your cheek. Theway your shirt falls against your body. To feel someone'shand on your back. It helps you realize that this momentis all there is. Michael: Well, if that's true, then we should probablytake advantage of it. Ben: Yeah. [They kiss each other.] Michael: Where we goin'? Ben: To experience The Now. [Babylon! Ted's doing somerecruiting on the dance floor.] Ted: I've got an eye for this and I can tell you have alot of talent. Really big talent. [he gives him hiscard.] If you need an extra cash in you're spare time?Just give me a call. We'll set up an audition. Man: OK, thanks man. [Ted goes back to Brian and Justin at the bar.] Brian: Hey, p0rn King. Why don't you introduce me to someof your new friends? Ted: Anytime, Brian. [Ted grabs his beer off the bar. That's when Justinnotices the Rolex on Ted's wrist.] Justin: It that a Rolex? Ted: Yes, it is. All those years seeing those wealthyclients come in with their big cars and their fancyjewelry. There I was this dumb jerk in a cubicle, hunchedover a computer making them rich. Now it's my turn. [Emmett makes his way through the crowd, hailed, pinchedand prodded at every turn. Finally he reaches the bar.] Emmett: Ultimately, it's all so empty. You know, at theend of the night, you still go home alone. [A beautipassing and giving Emmett The Look has anything to sayabout it.] But not tonight. [He follows him.] Ted: Wow, wow, wow. What you're thinking you doin'? Youhave a big day tomorrow. Emmett: So? Ted: So, you need to confirm you're strength. And no moredrinking and eating peanuts. You'll gain weight. Now gohome, get some sleep. That's an order. [Brian and Justin can't believe what they're hearing. Andthen, before their very eyes, Ted tries to"recruit" the guy that Emmett was going after!Emmett's mouth drops open in shock. ] Brian: So Mr. Producer gets to go home with the hottie,and the p0rn star has to go home alone? Emmett: He's right. I need to conserve my strength. Brian: Let me see your wrist. That's a stunning watch youwear. Emmett: I'm not wearing a watch. Brian: Wow, Emmett, you really observe it. He's got aRolex. Better hurry home and starting you're beauty rest. [EnterMike and Ben. Ben gazes at the melee in glee, as goldglitter falls around them. He has the biggest, bestsmile.] Michael: I thought when you said you wanted to experiencethe now, that you meant something spiritual. Ben: I did. That tribe I've been it in New Guinea withdance until I collapse. It's how they freed themselvesfrom their bodies, from time. I just like it. The lightshow is a striking resemblance to that ritual. [Ben takes off his shirt. And everyone is happy. Bendrags Mike into the middle of the floor, and the two ofthem boogie down.] Justin: There is Michael with some Hottie. Ted: Hey, Michael(!) Over here! Michael: Oh, oh, we've been spotted. I have to warn you.My friends can be a little... Ben: Judgmental? Vicious? Condescending? Michael: You've meet them? [They goin' over to them.] Michael: Ben, this is Ted, Justin and Brian. Ben: Nice to meet you. Brian: I though you've got to inventory. Michael: I was. Ted: You look aweful familiar. Have we meet? Ben: I goin' to Jale, undergrad . Michael: Ben wrote a book "R-U-1-2". Ted: That's why I recognize you. I saw you're interviewin The Advocate. I rent out to brought one. Ben: [laughs] So, you were the one. Ted: Come on, you got great reviews. It was so honest, soforthright, so...revealing. Ben: Yeah, well, that's what we writers do -- we sort ofcut ourselves open and bleed all over the page. Michael: I though you're here to dance. [They walk to the dance floor.] Justin: He's really hot. Brian: He's alright. Ted: Looks, brains, he's a nice guy, too. I'd say he'sperfect, except for one thing. He's positive. [Some bakery. A large weddingcake sits on top of the counter. Melanie brings a plateof pastries over to Lindsay, who mopes pathetically attheir table.] Mel: I've got you a croissant. Lindsay: I don't want a croissant. Mel: You loved croissants. Lindsay: I said I don't want, so drop it! [Melanie picks the croissant up and drops it on thefloor.] Lindsay: I didn't mean this. Mel: I wish you drop it too. You're on charming mood. Lindsay: Oh, I've should never asked them! Mel: So you did. They said no. Now it's over. C'mon,let's go and look at wedding cakes. Lindsay: What for? We can't afford one. Maybe if we'recareful we can save up for dinner. Mel: Look, we're find money to pay for it. Lindsay: It's not about the money. It's about... Mel: Love? You want them to show you the same attentionthat they show Lynette. Lindsay: Yeah... Mel: Maybe we have to prove more afford. We've neverreally asked them over to see how we live. Meet ourfriends. Which makes us same guilty as they are. Lindsay: So, what are we do? Mel: We invited them over and throw a little party. Lindsay: You aren't serious! Mel: If they could see that we're a real family, with areal life, just like your sister, then they might feeldifferently. Hey, it least for a shot! [They get up and go for the wedding cake.] Woman: May I show you something? Mel: We'd like to look at wedding cakes. [Liberty Diner. Emmett, Brian,Mike and Ted share a booth.] Michael: I'm positive. It was the first thing out of hismouth. Brian: After your dick. Ted: It's commendable that he told you. But it stilldoesn't change the fact that you playing with fire! Imean what if the condom breaks? Or his flossing his teethin his gums booth. Brian: Or if he shoots his load and you're bending overto tie your shoe, and it accidentally flies up your ass. [Michael laughs.] Ted: Christ, Brian, do you have to make a joke out ofeverything? Especially your best friend's safety! Michael: I know how be saved! Ted: No, you think you do. We all do. It's not just beingcareful, it's living with death. Knowing that Ben hassomething inside of him that could kill him. And if youhave just one little fuck-up, one moment offorgetfulness, one little mistake, it could kill you,too. Emmett: I think you're little melodramatic, Teddy. Theyare plenty of guys who boyfriend are positiv. Ted: These people aren't Michael. And you weren't sofucking easygoing when you thought you might be infected. Michael: Look, I appreciate you're concern. But you'retalking about Ben like he's the disease and not a person.And if you were seeing someone that you cared about who'spositiv, I think you would feel differently. Ted: No, I'm sorry, I know it's not politically corrector even nice, but I wouldn't do it, no matter how much Iliked the guy. [Debbie walks up with a fresh pot of coffee. She'swearing a t-shirt that proclaims, "Some people arejust too white"] Debbie: Wouldn't do what, honey? Emmett: We're talking about dating someone who'spositive. Debbie: That's a hell of an attitude. And I've got to saythat I'm surprised to hear that from one of you,considering all the guys you f*ck. Ted: Yeah, numbers may vary from person to person. [helooks at Brian. Brian sticks his tongue out at him.] Debbie: I mean one of you could be positive too. And thereason you're not isn't because you're always careful. Iknow goddamn well that isn't true. You're lucky. [she'slooking at Brian.] You're f*ckin' lucky. So don't tell meyou couldn't love somebody just because they're not asfortunate as you are. More reason to, if you ask me! Michael: Thank you mother. Debbie: What for honey? Michael: Ben's positive. [Debbie's holding on to the smile, she ties...] Debbie: So, need you guys anything else? [The Dungeon. Ted preps the bedfor Emmett's arrival. Emmett strolls in wearing a longbrown leather trench coat, a fugly patchwork scarf, andbrown aviator glasses.] Ted: You're on in 5 minutes. Where have you been? Emmett: Oh, preparing a list. Ted: Well, you can do you're grocery shopping list later,okay? Emmett: It's a kind of a list. [Em holds the piece of paper out. Ted rolls his eyes,grabs it.] Ted: "Private dressing room with toilet. Rotatingbed. Ten percent of gross profits." What the f*ck isthis? Emmett: Oh, this called artist's demands. Ted: "Lube"? What's wrong with the lube? Emmett: That grease is so cheap, you could fry chicken init. Ted: This is a joke, right? Emmett: No, this is not humor. Oh, don't forget that one.That's kind of my favorite. Ted: You're name over the bed. Emmett: Well, I'm the star. Star gets top billing. Youcan use just Fetch. You know like Cher. All turn uptwinkle lights so my fans can see when you pull back fora long shot. Ted: Well, excuse me, Cher, but there's only one longshot your fans are interested in, so come on. Less yakand more jack. Emmett: But what about my demands? Ted: You mean these? Look, Emmett. If it weren't for me,you'd still be moonlighting as a naked maid, buffing inthe buff, trying to pick up a few extra bucks! Emmett: Yeah, and if it weren't for me, you'd still be apencil pusher, pulling your pud! Ted: Oh, so I owe all this to you? Emmett: Mmmh, difficult question. Yes. Ted: I can replace you whenever I want. Then you will seehow quickly you're fans forget. Emmett: Really? Ted: Really. Dicks like you dime a dozen. Emmett: Well, I tell you what. You find some twinkie with a dinky and see how far you can get. Oh, and when you do... [throw the jizzball.]... Give him this. He's going to need it! [SCENE_BREAK] [Debbie's. Debbie deep in her conflicted thoughts, as she dusts the figurines over her fireplace.] Vic: Last time I saw you cleaning the tchotkes was whenMichael moved away with David. Debbie: This scene like a goddamn pigsty. That's all. Vic: Would you stop vindaxing for a second and talk tome? Debbie: I can't. Vic: Why not? Debbie: It's personal. Vic: What could be personal, after you've wiped my ass? Debbie: Well, you haven't wiped mine! Vic: You've already clean that one. Debbie: [yells] LEAVE ME ALONE! [It's broken at the floor.] Debbie: sh1t! Look what you've done! Vic: I'm sorry. Sis... Debbie: Get away. [she holds in] This new guy... thatMichael's dating is some... this Ben... He's positive. Vic: Oh, so? Debbie: So? I don't want date him with someone who'ssick. Vic: Who said he's sick? Debbie: I knew I couldn't talk to you about it. Vic: So negative people shouldn't be allowed to datepositive people? Is that it? Debbie: Don't twist my words! Vic: Then what do you sayin'? Debbie: He's my son. I don't want him getting anything! Inever thought I'd say this. But for the first time in mylife, I wish my son wasn't gay. [Michael walked in unnoticed, and heard her say it.] Vic: You didn't mean that! Debbie: Not if it means I have to watch him puking, andshitting. And wasting away to nothing. Vic: I can't listen to you anymore. Debbie: Do you think I want Michael to end up like you? [Mike's eyes narrow dangerously. Debbie finally noticesthat her son is in the room. Mike runs upstairs.] Debbie: Oh, sh1t. Michael! [Michael'sroom.] Michael: I just get some stuff and then I'm outta here. Debbie: Honey, look Michael. Sweetheart. Michael: How could you talk that way to Uncle Vic? Youreally hurt him! Debbie: People say a lot of things when they're upset.And I'm upset. I'm very f*cking upset. And how long youwere going to wait to tell her about Ben? Michael: I didn't think you care! Especially after thenoble sentiments and hash browns you dishing out at thediner. Debbie: Alright, I'm going to make you very, very happy.You always wanted a normal mother? Okay, you've got one.I don't want you dating that guy! Michael: I don't care what you want! And don't tell mewho to date! I'm 30 years old. Who I date and what I dois none of you're goddamn f*cking business! [Brian's. Brian and Justin aremaking love.] Justin: We're really lucky. Brian: What? Living in this land of empty? Roll over. Justin: Every time Michael and Ben have s*x, think of allthey have to deal with. Brian: It's Michaels decision. Is that a pimple on you'reass? Right there. Justin: Were? [They kiss each other.] Justin: No matter how long they're together, even if it'sforever, they can never do it raw. Brian: We're don't either. Justin: Yeah, but we could... if you want it. I mean,we're both negative. Brian: You mean, you want me to f*ck you bareback? Justin: Yes. Brian: Come inside you're tigh little ass? Justin: Do it. f*ck me. Brian: f*ck...yourself. Justin: What? Brian: You stupid little twat. Never let anyone f*ck youwithout a condom. Justin: You're not just anyone. Brian: Yeah, I'm sure that's what Ben thought about theguy who infected him. [he grabs a condom.] Put it on me.[he f*cks Justin.] I want you safe. I want you around fora long time. [Happy Fun Brunch. Melanie bringsa big vase of flowers out into the dining room. Leda'spouting on one of the chairs, wearing her usual leatherand denim ensemble, with a handkerchief tied over herhead like Axl Rose. Lindsay walks in with her hair pulledback tightly, wearing a white blouse buttoned up to herchin, a straight brown skirt and brown flats.] Lindsay: Who do I look? Mel: Like a f*cking nun. What happened to your tits? Leda: Who knew my year working in a piercing salon wouldcome in so handy? [doorbell rings.] Lindsay: That must be Tasha and her harp! [She goes to the door and opens. It's Brian.] Lindsay: I was hoping it was the harp. Brian: I'm into f*cking, not plucking, and what happenedto your tits? Hey sonnyboy. You're old man here to excudeof them. Leda: Hi, I'm Leda. Brian: [he grabs the hors d'oeuvres out of her hand] Uh,Melanie's evil ex. Leda: And you must be the Anti-Christ. Big fan. Lindsay: Alright, the baby sitter is coming for Gus thisafternoon. Take him to the park, be careful on theswings. Don't get him dirty. Back by two. And buysomething nice. Brian: Anything else? Lindsay: Shave. Brian: My balls are as clean as a whistle. Lindsay: Tasha, finally. [to Leda] Can you show herewhere to put it? [telefon rings.] Brian: It's too easy. Mel: We're try to make Lindsay's parent feel at home. Brian: You should wear of caskets in the living room. Leda: I say we wear strap-ons. Ever been f*cked by a dykewith a dildo? Brian: Is that an offer? Mel: This is really important to Lindsay so could both ofyou keep your f*cking foul mouths shut? [Lindsay walks back in shocked.] Lindsay: They don't coming. Leda: Are we surprised? Lindsay: Mom said daddy's is over disk. He'll be on hisback for days. Brian: Oh, that I like to see. Lindsay: Shut up, Brian! [The park. Mike and Brian pushGus in a swing.] Michael: It was like an episode of "TwillightZone". Brian: My favourite was where you could trade your oldbody for a hot new one. Michael. She actually said she wished I wasn't gay. Brian: Well, I'll always be happy that you're a bigqueer. [Brian kisses Michael on the mouth. A woman passing by.] Woman: You're two make a beautiful couple. [to Gus] Heydear, aren't you sweet? [to Michael] And you're babylooks just like you. [she leaves.] Brian: So sweet. You know she's right. Michael: What are you talking about? This baby is a spitimage of you. Brian: I mean Debbie. You know, she's right. You shouldforget Ben. Michael: What the f*ck do you know? Brian: Let's see what I know. Advertising and I know you.Those ads you see for the cocktails, with thegreat-looking guys skiing and mountain climbing? Like allyou have to do is pop a little protease inhibitor andyou, too can have the time of your life. But it's justkind of tough to go downhill racing when you havenon-stop diarrhea. Michael: I can handle it. Brian: Well, then handle it. Kiss it. Jerk it off. Justdon't fall in love with it. [The Peterson house. Nancy opensthe door, and there's Melanie, dead serious in her blackleather jacket. She stalks past Nancy into the livingroom, where Ron is fully upright and swinging a tennisracket.] Mel: Mrs.Peterson? Nancy: Melanie? What a surprise. Unfortunately I'm on myway out... Ron: George, Barbara is that you? Mel: Mr.Peterson. Ron: I was expecting... Mel: ...someone else? Congratulations on you're speedyrecovery. Ron: You know what it is with these back things. Oneminute you can't stand up, the next minute... Mel: ... they mixed doubles. Nancy: This is very awkward. Mel: 'Awkward'? That you couldn't come over to our housefor a couple of hours? Lindsay's been working her ass offfor you. Would it have been so f*cking hard to show up? Nancy and Ron: Language! Mel: Your excuses are bullshit. All she wants from you isto show her a little support. Nancy: The only reason you want us to come to you'reparty is you expecting a cheque. Ron: Nancy, please. Nancy: Why not admit it? Mel: Look, I know what you think about me. I'm the slickJew lawyer come to shake you down for a few sheckels. Thedyke who corrupted your daughter. Well, you're wrong. I'mLindsay's loving partner, and Gus's adoring mother. And Iknow that I will never cause him the pain that you'vecaused her. He'll never have to wonder whether or not Ilove him. [Melanie leaves Ron and Nancy staring self-righteously ateach other.] [Debbie's back yard. She and Vicrake leaves and avoid meeting each other's eyes. Finally,Debbie can't take it anymore.] Debbie: Are we gonna talk? Or we just gonna rake thewhole goddamn neighbourhood? Vic: You wanna talk? Talk. Debbie: You know I didn't mean what I'm said. It couldcome out. I've just had it with this f*cking disease. Vic: Tell me about it. Debbie: I know baby. I can't go through it again. Vic: What makes you think you'll have to? Michael doesn'thave hiv. Debbie: Ben has. And there's nothing in his life thatwon't be affected by it. Including Michael. And whataffects Michael affects me. Vic: The same they said about marriage. You don't justget them, you get the whole damn family. Debbie: Well, I'm not so crazy about the in-laws. [Vic laughs.] Debbie: I know they have safe s*x. What if somethinghappens? What if Michael comes to us and he says I've gotit. What do we do? Vic: First we die. And then we deal with it. [The Happy Fun Mausoleum. AsTasha plays the harp. Lindsay and Melanie mope on thesofa.] Lindsay: This party sucks. Mel: I've prefer to think about it as mellow. Lindsay: I'm gonna upstairs and swallow a bottle ofXanax. Mel: Good idea. [In the kitchen, Justin complains that the flowers aretriggering his allergies.] Justin: f*cking flowers make my allergy grow. Brian: Well, that's a good reason to leave. Leda: And leave me alone with the ladies who munch? Noway. Brian: Well, in this case there's only one thing we coulddo. [He pulls a bag of Ecstasy out of his back pocket. Out inthe dining room, Emmett circles the table.] Emmett: Well, I can honestly say there isn't one thinghere that I would put in my mouth. [At the opposite end of the table is Ted.] Ted: That's a first. Emmett: Excuse me? Ted: [replies] This food's the worst. [Michael stands in the middle at the table.] Emmett: Oh, did I tell you Michael that I received avery, very lucrative offer from CocksRUs.net. Michael: Why no. I made you didn't. Ted: Did I tell you Michael about my new star? Dick Long.Not only lives up to, but surpasses his name. Michael: Don't say... Emmett: You can tell Mr. Schmidt, if you happen to seehis wizened countenance, that he still owes me my lastpaltry paycheck. Ted: And you can tell Mr. Honeycutt, whose ass has moretreadmarks than a steel-belted radial, that if he doesn'tcome and pick up his personal effects, his dildos will bedonated to charity. Michael: Why didn't you tell each other to yourself? Whydon't you both apologize for acting like a couple ofidiots? Ted: I've the one who created him! Emmett: He would be out of business if it weren't fromme? Ted: You could show a little gratitude! Emmett: And you could show a little generosity! Michael: And you both can show a little more maturity. Ted and Emmett: It's not of you goddamn business. Get outof it! [Brian mixes the E in the punch bowl, then goes up to thebedroom. Lindsay's all morose on the bed. Brian jumps upnext to her.] Brian: Enjoying the view? Lindsay: God! Go away! Brian: Make me! Your party really sucks. [She pulls her hair out of a bun and unbuttons hershirt.] Lindsay: So, it a little established if you've beenpaying attention. Brian: You really give a sh1t what they've think? Lindsay: Their my parents, Brian. [She grabs the jointout of Brian's hand] I know I shouldn't care. I shouldn'tlet them hurt me. It's not my job to please them. To makethem happy. Brian: You remember... what's his name? Billy theAsshole's birthday party junior year. Lindsay: Were Rebecca dumped me? Brian: Those were the days. Lindsay: Jesus, this is supposed to cheer me up. I was awreck. Brian: Not for long. Lindsay: Thanks to you putting E in the punch...loosewomen...and the B-52s. Brian: Those who don't learn their lessons are condemnedto repeat their courses. [And from downstairs, they hear "Love Shack"start to play.] [It'slouder in the living room. Much louder. Everyone'shalf-naked, tripping out, and having a great time. Ledadecides it's time to ride Justin like a pony. The boy'slaughing too hard to mind. Lindsay busts up when shecomes downstairs, and Leda grins.] Leda: The bitch is back. [Melanie's stripped down to a tank top and orders Lindsayto dance with her. Emmett pushes through the crowd on hisway out the door. Leda's got a blue dildo strapped on.] Leda: How do you like it? Brian: Is the offer still stands? [Mike's just a little weirded out by that. Leda makesJustin suck on the dildo. As Mel's swinging Lindsay intoa dip, Ron and Nancy walk in the door.] Lindsay: Mom! Daddy! Nancy: You call this brunch? Mel: Hey, how about some punch? Lindsay: Mel, no. Uh, I though you weren't coming? Nancy: We changed our minds. And from the look of things,we shouldn't have. Lindsay: But we're having some fun. Nancy: You call this fun? Lindsay: Well, maybe not you're idea of fun, but yes.Everyone like to meet my parents? Our guest of honor. [Everyone waves happily at Ron and Nancy.] Nancy: We don't need an introduces. We're not staying.C'mon Ron. Lindsay: You know, the whole point of this party was toprove that we're just like you, so you'd accept us. LikeI'd tried to accept you. Nancy: I didn't realised that I need it to be accept it. Lindsay: You're right, Mom, you don't. Neither do we. [The Dungeon. Ted's going overthe books when Emmett walks in.] Emmett: I come for my personal effects. Ted: I have you're cheque. Emmett: I'll be as quick as I can. Ted: Emmett, I... Emmett: Let's not say anything more. We've both made ourpositions painfully clear. [Emmett pulls his things off a rack nearby -- featherboa, gold scarf, leather harness, dildoes.] Ted: I, uh, you're fans are gonna miss you. Emmett: Well, I'm sure Dick Long will help them forget. Ted: Actually, he's only a Dick Medium. You're by far mybiggest attraction. Emmett: I suppose I do owe my fame -- such as it is --and my fortune -- such as it isn't -- to you. Ted: 5 %. Emmett: It's a very generous offer, Teddy, but it's notjust about the money. I mean for me it's always gonna bethe art. [Ted grabs a bag from the table and hands it over.] Ted: The finest lubricant. Water soluble. Heated toninety-eight point six degrees. Emmett: I appreciate the gesture. [Ted walks over to a curtain separating the bed from therest of the Dungeon. He pulls a rope and the curtaincomes down, revealing the round velvet-covered bed. Redvelvet covering the wall. Ted claps his hands and a redneon sign reading "Fetch" clicks on over thebed.] Ted: I'm so sorry I underestimating you. You're more thanjust an enormous dick. You're my friend. Emmett: And you're mine! [They hug each other.] Ted: So, what do you say? Emmett: I'm ready for my close up, Mr.Schmidt. [Ben's flat. He and Michaels makeout at the sofa.] Michael: Condoms? Ben: Bathroom. Michael: OK. [Mike opens the medicine cabinet and stops short. Cut tothe inside of the cabinet, filled with row upon rows ofdrug bottles. Many, many bottles. Reality bites. Mikefinally spots the condom box stuck between two bottles.And stares at all the bottles again. So many drugs Benhas to take so he won't get sick like Mike's uncle. Benwalks in.] Ben: Find them? Michael: Yeah. [Pause] I can't do this. Ben: You're right. I try. Michael: No, I mean I can't. [Mike and Ben's faces are right next to each other. Benpulls back a little, and his eyes go wide with hurt.] Michael: I though I could, that I can handle it but Ican't. Sorry. Ben: Don't apologize. It's, uh, better to find out now.Before someone gets hurt. [Black screen. Sound of the condom box being put back in the cabinet. Ending Credits without music.]

Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who decides to continue dating HIV positive Ben? A: Debbie; Q: Who is Michael's mother? A: money; Q: What are Lindsay and Melanie struggling to get for their wedding? A: Lindsay's parents; Q: Who is Lindsay trying to get money from? A: Emmett's... ego; Q: Success on Ted's porno website is swelling what? Summary: Michael decides to continue dating HIV positive Ben, despite the objections of Brian, Ted, Emmett, and his mother, Debbie. Lindsay and Melanie struggle to get money for their wedding from Lindsay's parents. Success on Ted's porno website is swelling Emmett's... ego.

In Mr. Simpson's class Mr. Simpson: I want to discuss the different ways in which media layers itself. Now we've talked about cross promotion and conglomerates, but lets talk about the way that print and broadcasting form one another, okay? (He keeps talking while watching what Darcy is doing online.) Darcy's IM: it was sweet of u to send $ Adams' IM: 4 a good cause. Adams' IM: hey it's been 3 whole minutes since i told you how beautiful you are Darcy's IM: :) Darcy's IM: blushing (The bell rings.) Mr. Simpson: Darcy can you see me please? (The rest of the class leaves and Darcy goes over to Mr. Simpson's computer.) Mr. Simpson: MyRoom page and chat functions. Darcy: I know we're not supposed to use them in school. Mr. Simpson: Then why were you? Darcy all your activity is logged. I can see it here on my monitor. Darcy: You can? But it's private. You shouldn't read it. That's wrong. Mr. Simpson: It's not wrong. It's school policy and besides we've spoken about the dangers out there in cyber-land. Darcy: Please I'm not a little kid. Mr. Simpson: Well you're kind of acting like one and quite frankly your marks are starting to slip. This isn't like you. Darcy: Fine. I'll try harder, okay? Can I go? In Mr. Armstrong's class Mr. Armstrong: Graphing trig functions. Now you football players will have an advantage 'cause you know the shapes we're looking for. (The bell rings.) Mr. Armstrong: Next class! Peter: Bet Adams knows the shape he's looking for, yours! Darcy: Why are you always so gross? Peter: Joke? Humour? Heard of it? Look come over tonight. My mom's next door with her friends. We'll have another photo shoot. Darcy: Without Manny? Mm-mm. Peter: Come on we don't need her. Darcy: Yeah we do. Without Manny it's just me and you and a camera. Ick. Peter: Thanks. So nice to hear. Look you got something people want to pay for. Don't you want to make some cash? Darcy: You're not my pimp, okay? Peter: I just meant we could still use some money for Spirit Squad. Some cool uniforms for the boys? Darcy: I'll think about it. (She walks away and Manny is shown giving them a disapproving look.) In the girls locker room Manny: You need to watch out for Peter. He sure has his creepy eye on you. Darcy: I'm with Spinner, remember? I don't think of Peter that way at all. Manny: It doesn't matter what you think of him. It matters what he thinks of you. You need to watch out for him. Darcy: What I need is to change out of these stinky gym clothes so I can go out with my boyfriend, whose name isn't Peter. At Ellie's university, in the newspaper room Nina: That's it for me. See ya. (She leaves Ellie and Jesse alone.) Jesse: Hmm 3, 2... (He closes and locks the door.) Jesse: 1. (They start making out on the desk.) Ellie: Why Mr. Boss-man this is so, so inappropriate for the workplace. Jesse: Which is why we wait for the doors to shut for us to be alone. The sexiest kind of alone there is. (Jesse starts reaching up the back of her shirt and Ellie pushes him away.) Ellie: Not too sexy Mr. Boss-man. I need to make this deadline or you might have to fire me. Jesse: Deadline's extended. (He starts kissing her again and Ellie stops him.) Ellie: But what if um Nina comes back? Or Eric or one of the other writers. Jesse: Well then why don't we take this act on the road. Say like my place? Ellie: Really am worried about my work. Maybe I'll just um...I'll buckle down here and write the rockingest review ever. Jesse: That's cool. Later Frosh. At Ellie's place, Ellie and Ashley are eating sushi Ashley: So what's he like? Ellie: Cute, funny, um sexy, smart, intimidatingly so. I don't know what he sees in me. Ashley: Oh come on El. Ellie: Ash he's 22 with tons of experience. I've only had two boyfriends. One was Marco...gay and the other was Sean. We never...you know. Ashley: You think he wants to? Ellie: Um he's a guy. Ashley: Yeah good point. So have you know, talked about uh doing it? Ellie: Can we not say doing it? And no. No we haven't talked about it. Not yet. I mean I find it a little embarrassing and by a little, I mean hugely. Ashley: Well if you can't talk about it, you should at least be prepared in case, you know, it just happens. Ellie: I hate when you're right. Ashley: Lucky for you there's a health clinic at the university. Outside Darcy's, Darcy and Spinner are kissing passionately Spinner: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Easy there tiger. Darce these days it's like you're gonna jump out of your own skin. Do you want to talk and tell me what's going on? Darcy: I don't want to talk. I want to show you something. (They go inside her house.) Darcy: Hi Claire. Bye Claire. Claire: Mom said no boys in our room when she's not here. Darcy: Don't be a goody-goody. Go downstairs. (Claire leaves and Darcy goes to her computer.) Darcy: Come look. Come look. Spinner: You bring me up here to help you study? Do you want to fail? (Darcy shows him the pictures of herself and Manny.) Spinner: Woah these are hot. Darcy: Tell me which ones you like. I think that one's good. I look tall and my legs look tan. I took those myself last night. Spinner: Darce why does it say "MyRoom Page" in the corner? Darcy: Well they're linked to my page, but it's private. Password protected. Spinner: Well whatever these photos are still online. What? Who else has seen these? Darcy: I thought you'd think they're sexy and I thought you'd think I was sexy. Spinner: Will you answer the question? Have other guys seen these pictures? Darcy: No. Yeah, but not many. It's a really private webpage. Spinner: There's no such thing as privacy on the web Darcy. Guys are looking at you! Darcy: Yeah, but they're just looking! That's all they're doing. Spinner: That's not all they're doing Darcy. Darcy: Spin. Spin don't. I just, I wanted to feel beautiful and sexy and like free. Just I thought if I showed it to you then you would understand. Spinner: Well I don't. You have to take this down. Darcy: I don't want to. Spinner: I, I can't even deal with this right now. I got to go. (He leaves.) At the health clinic (Ellie walks out and bumps into Jesse, dropping all of the birth control on the floor.) Jesse: Wow that's a lot of birth control in so many forms and colours. (They start picking it all up.) Ellie: Yeah well um I told the woman I don't actually want any birth control. Just, just the information please and she looked at me like I had four noses and insisted I take all this when I was like please I, I just want the information. That is all. You know I like to read. I'm a researchy-type. (Nina overhears and starts laughing before walking away.) Jesse: I'll uh catch you later. At Darcy's house Darcy's IM: but then he just left Adams' IM: you don't need that Darcy's IM: you don't think I'm weird? Adams' IM: I think yr perfect At Peter's house Peter: So how naked are we getting here? Darcy: Naked? I don't do that, thanks. Peter: Joking. So you got in a fight with Spinner. Uh was it a fight or the fight? Did you guys break up? Darcy: I don't know yet. Peter: Yet. That's not sounding good. I couldn't believe when Emma dumped me. Hurt like hell. Still does, which is why this has been so great. Someone to hang with and to talk to. Someone cool, like you. Darcy: Let's get on with it. I want to get these pictures online by tonight. (Darcy changes into a school girl outfit and starts posing.) Peter: Nice. Wow. That one's gorgeous. (Darcy keeps posing and it gets more provocative.) Peter: Wow Darcy. That's good. Can you sit up just a little bit more? That's perfect. In the hallway Danny: We saw. Darcy: The Ring, a shooting star, your future lives as lonely old dorks? Derek: Your MyRoom page. Hot stuff. Oh and we don't mean the blog. Danny: We mean the private page, sexy! Darcy: What?! Are you serious? It's password protected. Derek: What can I say? Years of computer camp paid off. Danny: My man is like the Obi-Won of password hacks. Dude is like scary. Darcy: You hacked in? Why? Why were you even on my page to begin with? Danny and Derek: 'Cause you're hot. Darcy: Just tell me you pervs didn't show the pictures to anyone. Danny: Not yet. Derek: Oh we want $20. (Darcy tries to grab the pictures from them.) Derek: Woah. I forgot my lunch money today. Danny: And we also want a shot of your bazoongas by Friday. Darcy: Bazoongas are off the table. You two little weirdoes forget you ever saw that page because it is coming down in oh about 5.7 seconds. (She trades the money for the pictures before storming off.) Derek: Bazoongas? Dude you're so lame. In the media immersion room Adams' IM: what's up cheergrl? (Darcy opens up the link to cancel her account.) Adams' IM: I can see yr online (Darcy hesitates before confirming the cancellation.) Adams' IM: aren't you gonna say hi? (Darcy cancels her account and smiles.) At a Friendship Club meeting Darcy: Let's join hands. (Everyone joins hands and Spinner hesitates before holding Darcy's hand.) Darcy: Lord there are those among us who have benefited from your lessons of forgiveness in the past and it is our hope that they will extend further forgiveness to those who really badly need it. Amen. (The group finishes and Spinner rushes out.) Darcy: Spinner! Spinner stop please. I took the page down. It's all over. Spinner: You're right Darcy. It is all over. (He holds up all of the pictures.) Darcy: Spin I know you're furious, but you have to know that these pictures mean nothing. Spinner: They mean everything Darcy! You put me through the ringer on re-virginizing and that whole thing with Paige, you- Darcy: That was cheating. You slept with her. Spinner: And this is so much better? You're posing for random guys on the internet. Darcy: It wasn't random. I mean I know the guy. He's a friend. Spinner: So you were cheating, which makes you the biggest hypocrite that ever lived. Darcy: Just tell me who sent you those pictures! Was it Danny, Derek? Spinner: Who? It was Peter. (They both leave in opposite directions and a creepy older guy wanders into the hallway.) Ms. Hatzilakos: Excuse me sir? Hi can I help you? Adams: I'm just looking for somebody. Ms. Hatzilakos: Oh okay, can you tell me who? Sir this is a school. We can't just let strangers walk off the street. Adams: Right. I understand. I'll go. (He fumbles his way out the doors.) [SCENE_BREAK] In another hallway Darcy: Why? Just tell me why? Why would you do something so horrible? Peter: I didn't think it was so horrible. You two were gonna break up anyway. Darcy: I never said that! Peter: You didn't have to. Come on Darcy, you and Spinner were never going to last. Darcy: Excuse me? Peter: Why would you want to be with a boring Christian guy when inside you there's a sexy chick trying to bust out? (He starts to grab her, she pushes him away and slaps him.) Peter: I was trying to help you Darcy. Spinner just doesn't get you. Darcy: And you do? You're nothing to me Peter. Never have been. Peter: Yeah not like Adams. Did you really buy that crap I told you about him? I met Adams in a chat room. He's just some bored, lonely loser with money. Darcy: But I thought...he said! Peter: Lies. A lot of lies. He played you Darcy, just like you played me. Outside, Darcy and Claire are walking home Claire: You're quiet today. Is it about the pictures? Darcy: Claire! You didn't look at them. Claire: They were on our computer. If you didn't want me to see them- Darcy: Just promise don't ever do something like that., okay? Claire: What do you think I am, 5? Adams: Darcy. Hi. (Adams waves at Darcy.) Claire: Who's he? Adams: It's me, Adams! Darcy: Go inside. Claire: I don't like this. Darcy: Go inside. (Adams walks over to Darcy and tries to give her a hug as she backs away from him.) Darcy: What are you doing here? How'd you find where I live? Adams: I did a little detective work. Your cheerleading photo had the Degrassi logo so I, I kind of followed you home. I just wanted to meet. Thought we could get to know each other just one on one. (Claire watches them from on the balcony.) Adams: That's a nice bracelet. Darcy: Thanks. My boyfriend made it. (Darcy mouths "9-1-1" to Claire who runs inside.) Adams: Oh Spinner? Darcy: I uh took down my page. Adams: I was so sad. What happened? Why did you do that? Claire: (On the phone) Hello 911? In the newspaper office Jesse: Uh next pitch, Ellie? Ellie: Uh okay. Um as most of you know and love to bug me about, I'm a first year and I'm a little fascinated by that office down the hall. Nina: The sexual health office? Ellie: Um so following in the great, though fictional steps of Carrie Bradshaw I'd like to pitch a series on sexual health on campus. (Everyone starts smirking and laughing.) Jesse: Pass. Next? Ellie: Hang on. I've done research. Jesse: It's okay. We get it. Next. Ellie: I, I just um I think it's important that, that we're all informed about s*x. Jesse: Our readers are informed Frosh. Ellie: But... Jesse: It's dead, okay? Stop pitching it. Freddy what do you got? Outside Darcy's house Darcy: I um, I should really go. Adams: We haven't even talked. How was school? Do you like it? You must have so many friends. Darcy: I guess so. Adams: I know you would. Pretty girl like you, everyone wants to be around you. (A police car drives over and Darcy runs to her front steps.) Adams: Wait Darcy, come back. Police officer: Show me your hands sir. Adams: We were just talking. Police officer: Show me your hands. Adams: Darcy I thought you liked me. Police officer: I'm investigating a report of a trespasser in the area. I'm gonna need to see some ID. Adams: Darcy! Police officer: Sir you need to stay here. Adams: No, no I don't. She's my friend. Tell them that you know me. Police officer: You know what- Adams: Darcy tell them I'm your friend! Police officer: You're coming with me. Adams: Darcy! (Adams gets put into the cop car, while Darcy stands by crying.) Outside the newspaper office Ellie: I want to resign from the paper and us, so goodbye. Jesse: Woah, woah, woah. Can't we discuss this? Ellie: Jesse I just made a complete ass of myself and you sat there with Nina and watched. Jesse: No I did not. I was trying to help you. Why do you think I was trying to stop you? You just keep going and going and going. Ellie: I do have that tendency. Jesse: What were you doing with all that stuff anyway? I mean how much birth control do you need? Ellie: Jesse, don't. It's not funny at all. Jesse: You know you're uh cute when you're mortified. Ellie: Well remind me to mortify myself more often. Jesse: Remind me we need to have a talk about us, where we're going. That is, if there still is an us. Ellie: Resignation cancelled. Jesse: Good 'cause I wasn't going to accept it anyway. You're stuck with me Frosh for a long time I hope. (They kiss.) At Darcy's house Darcy: So um they're gonna take our computer away for evidence so if you have anything on there then... Claire: It's okay. Uh do you have anything? Emails from Spinner or something? Darcy: I don't want to remember. Claire: It's okay Darce. Darcy: No. No everyone's gonna know at school about how I'm a hypocrite. Claire: Nobody's gonna find out. I'll punch them. Darcy: You're good Claire. You're really good. Claire: You are too Darce. You just got a little turned around, is all. Darcy: I think it's a teensy bit more complicated than that. I'm pretty mixed up. Claire: A person can be good and mixed up all at the same time. Darcy: Yeah okay. I hope you're right. Scenes for next week Voiceover: On a new episode of Degrassi, Alex tries to play nice. (Alex is sitting outside Degrassi and a group of girls laughing loudly.) Alex: Zip it. I'm trying to study. (Alex is shown talking with Paige.) Alex: The bitter loner you used to know is trying to be a little sweeter these days. Paige: Well sweetie a tiger can't change its stripes overnight. Voiceover: But her past may be too hard to shed. Alex: I'm trying to be nice here. Some girl: Please. You're a hateful bitch Alex and that's all you're ever gonna be. (Alex starts to fight her.) Paige: Yeah there's the bitter girl I know.

Plan: A: Darcy; Q: Who continues to post risqué pictures on the internet? A: Ellie; Q: Who doesn't want to be seen as a "little girl" in front of her older boyfriend? A: her virginity; Q: What does Ellie contemplate losing? Summary: Darcy continues to post risqué pictures on the internet. But she soon realizes how dangerous it is when her biggest fan decides that it is time to meet face to face. Meanwhile, Ellie doesn't want to be seen as a "little girl" in front of her older boyfriend and contemplates losing her virginity.

Prologue: The Bronze. People are coming and going. Cut inside. It's especially crowded tonight. Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary) are on stage finishing the last song of their set, "Run". Lyrics: If I could walk out Oz looks out into the crowd, a smile for Willow on his face. She is sitting at a table with Xander and Cordelia. They have to share it with some other people, it's so crowded. Lyrics: You know I'd never lie The song ends with Oz's last chord understated and fading. The crowd begins to applaud and cheer as Devon takes his bows. Oz lifts his guitar from his shoulder, leans the instrument against the back wall of the stage and heads down the stairs at the side of the stage to join the gang at their table. Willow: (smiles) Oz! Hey! Have a seat... Except, we don't have any seats. Oz: It's okay. I'll just scrunch in. Willow nudges over a bit with her stool to make room for Oz at the table, and bumps into Xander. She gives him a nervous look. Xander hurriedly scoots over a bit as well, nudging up hard against Cordelia. Cordelia: Xander, why are you giving me a lap dance? Xander: (smiles weakly and strokes her arm) What? I just like you. Cordelia pulls her arm away from him and squirms around a bit to get comfortable again. Willow: (stammers, smiling nervously) And that's very beautiful. I think it's great when two people like two people and want to be close to them instead of anyone else. Oz smiles to himself, enjoying it as always whenever Willow does that cute stammering thing. Xander: (also nervous) Here, here! Oz: Yeah. Well put. (points at a cup) Hey, can I snag a sip? Willow: Sure. (reaches for her cup) Xander: (reaches also) Yeah, you got it. Their hands touch as they both reach for her cup. They look at each other in surprise and instantly jerk back their arms. In doing so they knock a tray of drinks out of the hand of the waitress standing behind them. Xander slips off of his stool and tries to catch them, but of course he's too late, and can only look down at the spilled drinks. Around him the crowd begins to applaud his graceful maneuver. He goes with the situation and raises his hands to the crowd in acknowledgment. Willow, however, is embarrassed. Xander: Thank you! (turns around) Thank you. (waves) Uh, we're here through Saturday. Enjoy the veal. (smiles) Willow is terribly embarrassed now and tries to hide her face. Xander gets back on his stool. Oz reaches for a cup on his own. Cordelia: Why are you guys so hyper? Oz takes a drink from Willow's cup. Willow: (nervously tries to cover) Hey! Speaking of people and things they do that aren't like usual, anyone notice Buffy acting sort of different? Oz grimaces at the drink and puts the cup back on the table. Xander: Let's see, uh, killing zombies... uh, torching sewer monsters, and... No, that's pretty much the, uh, (grins weakly) same old Buffster. Willow: (concerned) Well, I just mean, you know, she's off by herself a lot more, and she's kind of... distracted. Cordelia: (smiles) Think maybe she has a new honey? Willow: A boyfriend? Why wouldn't she tell us? Cordelia: Excuse me? When your last steady killed half the class, and then your rebound guy sends you a dump-o-gram? It makes a girl shy. Xander: But we're the best of Buffy's bestest buds. She'd tell us. Buffy: (arrives behind them) Tell you what? Willow: About your new boyfriend, who we made up. Unless we didn't? (gives her an inquiring look) Buffy: (raises her eyebrows) This was a topic of discussion? Oz: Well, raised, but never discussed. Cordelia: So, are you dating somebody or not? Buffy angles her eyes up and sways around a bit, considering what she should say. Buffy: I wouldn't use the word 'dating', (looks at them) but I am going out with somebody. Tonight, as a matter of fact. Willow: Really? Who? Faith puts her hand on Xander's shoulder and pulls him aside a little so she can squeeze in. Faith: Yo, what's up? (nudges Buffy's shoulder) Hey, time to motorvate. Buffy: (puts her arm around Faith) Really, we're just good friends. The two Slayers head out of the club together. Cut to a cemetery. Buffy and Faith both roll onto their backs, side by side, each with a vampire on top of them. Buffy backhand punches her attacker while Faith struggles to get control over hers. Buffy's vampire tries to punch her, but she redirects his arm to hit the ground next to her. Giles watches calmly while sitting behind them on a nearby bench. Buffy is still on her back while her assailant is now standing over her, throwing punches down at her. Faith log rolls away from them, taking her attacker with her. Giles takes off his glasses and begins to clean them. Faith manages to roll on top of her vampire. She yanks him by the lapels of his jacket to a standing position, spins half-way around and throws him into a log roll over a stone bench. He hits the ground and keeps on rolling. Buffy is up now, and ducks a half-spinning jumping hook kick from her vampire, and then sidesteps to avoid a punch. Faith jumps up onto the bench and then back down to the ground. Her attacker aims a punch at her face, but rethinks his maneuver and decides to snap kick her in the gut. Thinking quickly, Faith grabs his foot and throws it over his head, forcing him to flip over in a back layout. He lands hard on his stomach. Buffy throws a punch at her assailant's face, but he ducks it. She tries for another one, but he blocks it. She then aims for his stomach with another punch, but is blocked yet again. The vampire tries to punch her, but she latches onto his arm and yanks him backwards, then forwards, and twists his arm, sending him flipping onto his back. Giles calmly watches and takes notes. Faith has a firm grip on her attacker, and throws his head backward, sending him flying backwards onto a bench. His momentum carries him sliding over it. Faith jumps up onto the bench, following him over, ready to attack. Buffy sends her vampire spinning back to the ground with a two-kick combination of a roundhouse followed by a hook kick. She pauses for a moment to let him get back up, and then roundhouse kicks him in the gut, followed immediately by a punch to his face as the momentum of her kick carries her around. Giles picks up his cup of coffee and continues his calm vigilance. Faith jumps down from the bench and roundhouse kicks her vampire in the face. Buffy roundhouse kicks hers again in the stomach. Faith punches her vampire in the stomach and takes aim with her stake. Buffy shoves hers against Faith's, and they end up back to back. The Slayers both plunge their stakes into their respective demons simultaneously, causing them both to explode into ashes. After the dust settles, they give each other a high-five and head over to Giles. Buffy: Synchronized slaying. Faith: New Olympic category? Buffy: (to Giles) Whadaya think? Giles lowers his coffee cup, but keeps it held at mouth level. Gwendolyn: Sloppy. They all turn to look at the woman who's just walked into view. Her hair is pulled up in a severe hair style, and she has a very serious look on her face. Gwendolyn: You telegraph punches, leave blind sides open and, uh, for a school-night slaying, take entirely too much time. Which one of you is Faith? Giles looks back at the girls. Faith: Depends. Who the hell are you? Giles turns back to the woman. Gwendolyn: Gwendolyn Post, Mrs. Your new Watcher. The two Slayers exchange a look, then look over at Giles. He is still holding his cup and staring at Mrs. Post, too dumbfounded to speak. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Giles is leaning against the stair railing, cleaning his glasses. Buffy is sitting near the middle of the large central table. There are several books lying open on it. Faith is standing by a corner of the table, addressing Mrs. Post, who is looking through some of Giles' collection. Faith: I'm telling you, I don't need a new Watcher. No offense, lady. (Gwendolyn looks at her) I just have this problem with authority figures. They end up kind of dead. She nods sarcastically and takes a seat next to Buffy. Gwendolyn: (walking past the table) Duly noted, and fortunately, it's not up to you. Buffy and Faith exchange a look. Gwendolyn walks around the table below the railing of the upper level, looking around at the few stacks there are in the study area of the library, apparently unaware that the main stacks are up the stairs and through a set of French doors, well out of view. Gwendolyn: Mr. Giles, where do you keep the rest of your books? Giles: I-I'm sorry. (slips on his glasses) The rest? Gwendolyn: Yes, the actual library. Giles gives her a confused look. Gwendolyn: Oh. (smiles thinly) I see. Giles: I can assure you, Mrs. Post, this is the finest occult reference collection... Gwendolyn: (interrupts) ...this side of the Atlantic, I'm sure. Do you have Hume's Paranormal Encyclopedia? Giles looks away, knowing that while his collection is superior, it is still not complete. Gwendolyn: The Labyrinth Maps of Malta? Buffy gives him a hopeful look. Giles: It's on order. Gwendolyn: Well, I suppose that you have Sir Robert Kane's Twilight Compendium? Giles: Oh! Uh... (looks around) Yes, I... (spots the book) Yes! (pulls it out) Yes, I do. (holds it up) Gwendolyn: (unimpressed) Of course you do. (paces past him) I have been sent by the council for a very important reason. Faith needs a Watcher. I am to act in that capacity and report back. Faith: (leans forward in her chair) Excuse me, Mary Poppins, you don't seem to be listening. Giles: (interrupts) Faith, if the council feels that you need closer observation, then... we will all, of course, cooperate. Faith leans back again, not at all happy with the situation. Gwendolyn: The council wishes me to report on the *entire* situation here, (to Giles) including you. That takes Giles by surprise. Buffy: Mm! Academic probation's not so funny today, huh, Giles? (rolls her eyes innocently) Giles glares at her. She just gives it right back to him. Gwendolyn: The fact is, there is talk in the council that you have become a bit too... (inhales) American. Giles: (taken aback) Me? Buffy: (surprised) Him? Gwendolyn: A demon named Lagos is coming here to the Hellmouth. (condescendingly) Mr. Giles, an illustration of Lagos, if you please. Giles: (a bit flustered) Oh, uh... (looks at the books on the table) Yes. Uh... He sits at the table and begins to look through one of the books. Gwendolyn: Perhaps later. Giles stops looking, very taken aback. He begins to seethe. Gwendolyn: Lagos seeks the Glove of Myhnegon. No record of this glove's full power exists, but we do know it is highly dangerous and must not fall into the hands of a demon. Lagos must be stopped. Giles folds his hands over his books and looks up at her. Giles: What do you propose? Gwendolyn: Well, if it's not too radical a suggestion, I thought we might kill him. Giles turns his head away from her and takes off his glasses. Gwendolyn: I suggest two Slayers at full strength for a coordinated hunt. Buffy gives Faith a look. Faith just gives Gwendolyn an even stare. Gwendolyn: We believe the glove to be buried in a tomb somewhere, so Lagos will be headed for the cemetery. Giles: There is more than one in Sunnydale. Gwendolyn: I see. How many? Giles: Uh, twelve, within the city limits. Gwendolyn: (takes a deep breath) Well, we'll just have to take them one at a time. Giles puts his glasses back on and starts to look through his books again. Gwendolyn: Anything in your books that might pinpoint the exact location of the tomb would be useful, but then, we cannot ask for miracles. Giles lets his book drop to the table and makes a point of looking directly away from her, rubbing his fingers, keeping his cool. Gwendolyn: We will begin tomorrow at sunset. Faith... (Faith almost startles) With me, please. She gives Faith a thin smile and walks from the library. Faith gives Buffy a glance, then follows her out. Giles visibly relaxes when they've gone. Giles: That was bracing. He slaps his glasses onto the table and leans his lips into his fist. Buffy: Interesting lady. Can we kill her? Giles: (lowers his fist) I think the council might frown upon that. His expression indicates he's considering it anyway, but soon discards the notion. Giles: Well... (stands up) How do you feel about a spot of training? Cut to Angel's mansion. He and Buffy are practicing T'ai Chi in front of the great fireplace. Angel concentrates on the exercises, but Buffy watches his moves and does her best to mirror them. They each begin with their arms stretched high above and ahead of them, hands together. They lower their arms to waist level with a graceful bend at the elbows. Buffy glances over at Angel, watching his elegant movements. She turns her attention back to the exercise, and crosses her right wrist over her left. They both sweep their crossed arms in a wide arc from left to right, and then draw their hands in to their waists and make a quarter turn to their left, so that Buffy has her back to Angel. They both extend their arms and slowly raise them, never stopping their fluid movements, until their hands are again held high. Angel takes the two steps over to Buffy and puts his hands over hers. Buffy looks up at his hands on hers as he pulls her arms down and around her. She slowly turns to face him and angles her face up toward him. Their lips almost meet when Buffy suddenly pulls away and walks over to one of the two couches set at right angles to each other to get her things. Buffy: Uhh... I gotta go. Big night for us Slayer types. Angel turns away, a confused expression on his face. Buffy pulls on her backpack. Buffy: People to see, demons to kill. (starts to leave) Better hurry before somebody figures out what we're doing. Angel: (pulls on his shirt) What are we doing? Buffy: (stops) Training. (quietly) And almost kissing. Angel looks at her and steps toward her as he buttons his shirt. Buffy turns to face him. Buffy: Sorry. It's just... (smiles weakly) old habit. (loses the smile) Bad, bad habit to be broken. Angel: It's hard. Buffy: It's not hard. (with resolve) Cold turkey. That's the key to quitting. They both look at each other for a long moment, knowing it's just not that easy. Buffy: (weakly and desperately) You think they make a patch for this? Angel: You have to go. Buffy: I really do. Angel looks away as Buffy turns again to go. She only gets a couple of steps when she sighs and turns to face Angel again. Buffy: I'm gonna try and vent a little hormonal angst by going out there and killing a Lagos, whatever that is. Angel faces her again upon hearing that demon's name. Angel: Lagos? Buffy: Some demon looking for some all-powerful thingamabob, (Angel sits, suddenly worried) and I gotta stop him before he unleashes unholy havoc, (sees his worried look) and it's another Tuesday night in Sunnydale. Angel can't bring himself to look at her again, and so just stares off into space. Angel: Be careful. Buffy turns and heads out of the mansion. Angel watches her back as she goes, and when she's gone, he gets up to start some work of his own. Cut to the library. Giles is sitting at the large table reading through a book with a dozen other volumes open and spread out in front of him. Willow is standing behind the railing of the stack level behind him. Xander is standing at the end of the table. Giles looks up from his book. Giles: Oh, this is intolerable. (slams the book shut) There's not a word here about Lagos or the glove. (stands up) We don't have time for this (drops the book in frustration) near-missing. (turns to Willow and Xander) Just find out all you can about the demon, its-its-its strengths, its-its weaknesses, (begins to pace) its places of origin, (stops and yanks off his glasses) and most importantly, (points at Xander with his glasses) what it plans to do with this blasted glove. Xander: (gives Giles an annoyed smile) Hey, you're not the Watcher of me. Giles: Then go home. But if you choose to stay, then work. He makes frustrated tracks into his office. Xander stares after him for a moment, then starts up the stairs to the stack level for more research. Willow steps over to meet him. Willow: Ugh... It's late. I'm tired. What does he want from us, anyway? They head into the stacks. Xander: The number of a qualified surgeon to remove the British flag from his butt? They stop at a spot where a few books are lying open on the floor and sit down. Xander takes one of them and starts to look through it. Willow: My eyes are all blurry. She leans forward and rests her head in her hands for a moment, then starts rubbing her temples with her fingers. Willow: Ohh... She moans as she rubs. Xander looks over at her, concerned. He sets down his book, nudges a bit closer and reaches over to do the rubbing for her. When she feels his fingers at her temples, Willow drops her own hands into her lap and lets him minister to her, letting out a few more moans. Willow: Oh, stop. Xander: Right. (continues rubbing) Stop means no... (keeps rubbing) And no means no, so, um... (finally stops) stop. He leans back away from her. She sits up a bit. He takes his book again to continue his research. Suddenly Willow reaches for him, grabs his face and plants a hard kiss on his lips. Xander responds and puts his hands around her to pull her closer. They kiss passionately for a few seconds, when Giles suddenly comes walking by, his attention focused on a book in his hands as he reads. Willow and Xander don't notice him at all. Giles: Willow, Xander... They stop kissing and quickly scramble to their feet. Giles: ...you can stop your, uh, studying. They wipe and cover their mouths in guilt, but aren't yet sure if they've been caught since Giles is looking at a bookcase. Willow bites her nails nervously. Giles: I've got what I need. Xander: (trying to be cool) What have you got? Giles: Uh, the probable location of the Glove of Myhnegon. (faces them) It's, uh, housed in the Von Hauptman family crypt. Xander: Yeah, that's that big one over at the Restfield Cemetery. Willow: Yeah, well, that's great, Giles. Um, how'd you find it? Giles: I looked. (continues his reading) Xander: Where's Buffy at? Giles: Uh, I'm not sure. Xander: Well, I'll go check out this, uh, crypt. (starts out) Um, tell her heads-up if she, uh, stops by. (leaves) Giles: Yes, by all means, go. Willow: (nervously) A-and I'll just keep studying. I think we're on the verge of a big Lagos breakthrough. Giles: (looks up from his book) No, I'd say we're done. He starts back out of the stacks. Willow lets out a deep sigh, ridden with guilt and halfway convinced that they've been caught. Cut to the streets at night. Faith and Buffy walk along as people and cars go by. Faith: Ronnie, deadbeat. Steve, klepto. Kenny... drummer. Eventually, I just had to face up to my destiny as a loser magnet. Now it's strictly get some, get gone. You can't trust guys. Buffy: You can trust some guys. (gets a doubtful look from Faith) Really, I've read about them. Faith: (laughs) Yeah. So, what about you? Buffy: You mean like, me and guys me? Faith: Mm-hm. Buffy: Not much to tell these days. Faith: Yeah, but you gotta have stories. I mean, I've had my share of losers, but you... you boinked the undead. What was that like? Buffy: Life with Angel's... was complicated. It's still a little hard for me to talk about. Faith: Well, try. They stop walking. Buffy: Look, Faith, all the Angel issues are still kind of with me, so if you don't mind, I'd rather not. Faith: (shrugs) Yeah. (shrugs) Yeah, whatever. Buffy looks away. Faith: You know what? We're oh for six tonight. Why don't we just blow this off? Buffy: Yeah. I am kinda beat. But-but Shady Hill's pretty close. Faith: I'll swing through it. It's on my way anyway. Buffy: Alone? I-I don't know if I'd... Faith: I got Miss Priss on my back now. I don't need another baby- sitter. I'll holler if I'm having any fun. Buffy: (smiles thinly) Okay. Faith: (nods down the street) Later. (goes) Buffy: Thanks. She watches her go for a moment before turning and heading home. Cut to Shady Hill cemetery. Faith walks around a hedge and into view, scanning the graveyard as she goes. Suddenly the lid of a stone coffin slams into the ground in front of her. She jerks back, startled but unhurt. In front of her she sees Lagos, a warrior demon, grabbing things out of the coffin and throwing them aside as he quickly rummages through it. Faith: (to herself) Son of a bitch. It's my lucky day. She starts to run toward him and jumps into a flying side kick to Lagos' back. He hardly budges and turns his head to see who is disturbing him. Faith grabs his arm and whips him around to face her. She backhand punches him in the face and instantly follows up with another swing to his face, then punches him in the gut and again in the face. She pushes him away slightly to get some distance between them, and then roundhouse kicks him in the side. Unfazed and tired of the interruption, Lagos grabs her by the neck and throws her high and far. She slams into the side of a mausoleum and falls to the ground. Lagos turns his attention back to the open coffin. Faith scrambles to her feet and starts to run at him again. Lagos hears her coming this time and turns to face her. She tries to grab his neck, but he blocks her arm and does an uppercut to Faith's diaphragm, which makes her airborne once again. She hits the ground hard and starts to struggle for breath. Lagos ignores her and goes back to his rummaging. He pulls the last of the coffin's contents out, sees that it's nothing he wants and throws it aside in disgust. He wastes no time getting out of there, stomping right past Faith, not giving her even so much as another glance. With her breath knocked out of her, Faith is unable to get up to pursue him. Cut to Restfield cemetery. Xander finds his way through the gravestones to the Von Hauptman family crypt. His breathing is heavy and nervous. He finds the crypt and peeks at it from behind a bush, making sure no one and nothing else is around. He steps out from behind the bush, nervously looking around while he makes his way toward the crypt. Xander: (smiling, dripping with sarcasm) Hey, Giles, here's a nifty idea: why don't I alleviate my guilt by goin' out and gettin' myself really, really killed? He stops in his tracks when he thinks he hears a noise. Sure enough, a second later he can hear the sound of stone grinding against stone coming from inside the crypt. He swiftly ducks behind a group of bushes, crouches down and waits to see who will come out. A figure soon comes out of the crypt and pulls the door closed. In its arms it holds something wrapped in a bunch of rags. The figure turns its back to Xander as it grabs the outer iron gate and swings it closed as well. Xander rises up just a bit so he can better see who it is. The figure turns around again and begins to cautiously make its way out of the graveyard. As it nears Xander, he sees that it's Angel. Xander doesn't take his eyes off of him as he walks past. When Angel is far enough ahead of him, Xander comes out from behind the bushes, pulls out his stake and starts to follow. Cut to the atrium at Angel's mansion. Xander sneaks down the stairs to the main gallery and tiptoes over to a window where he can see inside. There, to his shock, he sees Buffy with Angel, kissing passionately. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Angel's mansion. He and Buffy are kissing passionately. The camera circles around them as they continue kissing. Suddenly Buffy breaks it off and takes a couple of steps backward and looks away from his face. Buffy: Oh, God... Angel: (confused) Buffy... Buffy: What am I doing? (looks up at him) What are *you* doing? Angel: (still confused) I don't know. Buffy: Shame on you! Angel doesn't know how to respond to that. He puts his hand to his forehead. Buffy heads over to her things on the couch. Buffy: Oh, God, I... I don't even know why I came back here. She starts to pull on her jacket. Angel steps over and takes it from her hands. Angel: It's good you did. Buffy looks up to him, waiting for an explanation. Angel: I think I have what you're looking for. He leads her by the hand over to a pedestal where the thing he got from the crypt lies, still wrapped up in rags. Buffy: Great... Just, wherever this was gift-wrapped, remind me not to shop there. He unwraps the rags to reveal their contents. It's an ancient-looking glove made of leather, chain mail and plate mail. There are small spikes along the plates that cover the back of the hand and the forearm. Ringed around the opening are ten hinged claws that look something like crab legs, but made of steel and very sharp. Angel: Glove of Myhnegon. Buffy: The world's ugliest fashion accessory. She reaches out to touch it. Angel quickly stays her hand with his. Angel: No, don't. Once you put it on, the glove can never be removed. Buffy: So... no touching. (nods, looks at their hands) Kinda like us. Angel gets the hint and releases her hand. He wraps the glove back up in the rags. Buffy: You hold on to it. I'll... I'll tell Giles in the morning. At least he'll be happy. Cut to Giles' apartment. He is researching through a book at his desk. Gwendolyn walks in front of the camera and around to Giles' side. He seems to have found something. Giles: Ah! Yes. There we are. In the book is a sketch of a battle scene with an inset of the glove. It resembles the real thing only vaguely. He sets the book down for her to see. Giles: There's a wood engraving. See? The Glove of Myhnegon. Gwendolyn: (looks at it, unimpressed) Yes, engraved by Father Theodore of Wolsham. Giles: Yes. Gwendolyn: Based, I believe, on very sketchy and unreliable folk legends. The pictures are fun to look at, Mr. Giles, but one really ought to read the nice words as well. Giles looks up from the books, but stares ahead, not wanting Gwendolyn to see the look of raw annoyance in his eyes. In the kitchen the tea kettle begins to whistle. Giles: Ah. (stands up) Yes. (puts his hands in his pockets) Some tea, perhaps? He strides into the kitchen. Gwendolyn takes the few steps over to the bar where he has two cups already set out for the tea and sits on one of the stools. Giles grabs the kettle from the stove. Gwendolyn: I know that you must find me tiresome, but it's insidious, really. Giles pours the hot water into one of the cups. Gwendolyn looks down at the teabag in her still empty cup, takes it out and sets it aside. Gwendolyn: A person slips up on the little things, and soon everything has gone to Hell in a handbasket. Giles doesn't say anything to her rejection of his teabag. She opens her purse and pulls out a small box with her own supply of tea. Gwendolyn: For example... Buffy, your Slayer... Giles: (struggling to control his voice) Mrs. Post... (pours her hot water) I can assure you that Buffy is both dedicated and industrious, and I am in complete control of my Slayer. Suddenly his apartment door whips open, and Xander runs into the room. Xander: Giles! We have a big problem. It's Buffy. Gwendolyn give Giles a snooty look. Giles: Will you excuse us? He walks very stiffly from the kitchen and nods to Xander to follow. They go to the far side of the room and whisper between themselves. Gwendolyn takes her own teabag and puts it in her cup to steep. Gwendolyn: Would you like some assistance? Giles and Xander stop their whispering and look at her. Giles: (smiling thinly) Thank you. That won't be necessary. They go back to their private discussion. Gwendolyn looks at her cup to see how far along her tea is. Cut to Sunnydale High. Cut to the library. Giles paces slowly in the main area. Behind him the door opens, and he hears someone walk in. He slowly turns to see that it's Buffy. Buffy: Lagos is out of luck. I got the magic mitten thingy. She stops to see that Xander, Cordelia, Oz and Willow are all sitting at the center table looking as glum as Giles does. Buffy: What's with all the tragedy masks? Giles: (indicates a chair) Better take a seat, Buffy. Xander gets up out of his chair, nudges it over a bit so it's at the head of the table, and steps away to stand next to Cordelia. Buffy slowly steps over to the chair. Buffy: What's going on? (sits) Giles: We know Angel is alive. (Buffy looks shocked) Xander saw you with him. It would appear that you've been hiding him and that you lied to us. Buffy looks away, trying to absorb this new turn of events. Willow: Nobody's here to blame you, Buffy. But this is serious. You need help. Buffy: (looks up at Willow) It's not what you think. Xander: Hope not. Because I think you're harboring a vicious killer. Buffy can't believe Xander's callousness. Willow: (trying to mediate) This isn't about attacking Buffy. Remember, 'I' statements only. 'I feel angry.' 'I feel worried.' Cordelia: Fine. Here's one: I feel worried... about me! Last time around, Angel barely laid a hand on Buffy. He was *way* more interested in killing her friends. Buffy: But he's better now. Xander: Better for how long, Buffy? I mean, did you even think about that? Buffy: (stands up) What is this, Demons Anonymous? (starts to leave) I don't need an intervention, here. Giles: Oh, don't you? (Buffy stops and faces him) You must've known it was wrong seeing Angel or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us. Buffy: (desperate and defensive) I was going to tell you, I was. I-it was just that I... I didn't know why he came back. I just wanted to wait. Xander: For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy? Buffy: (raising her voice defensively) I'm not going to... (raises her hand to him) We're not together like that. Oz: But you were kissing him. Willow gives Oz a quick look, then looks at Buffy, worried. Buffy thinks about the implication of Oz's accusation, and looks at Xander. Buffy: You were spying on me? (steps toward him) What gives you the right? Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again? Buffy: (defensive again) It was an accident. Xander: What, you just tripped and fell on his lips? Buffy: It was wrong, okay? I know that, and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me. I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for a second that Angel was going to hurt anyone... Xander: ...you would stop him. Like you did last time with Ms. Calendar. Buffy is completely taken aback by Xander's totally insensitive and unfair attack, and can't utter a word in response. Willow senses that it's time to intercede. Willow: (nervously) Buffy, I feel that when it comes to Angel, you can't see straight. And that's why we're, we're all gonna help you face this. Buffy: But he's better now. I swear. Look, you guys, he's the one that found the Glove of Myhnegon. H-he's keeping it safe for us in the mansion. Xander: (spreads his arms) Right! Great plan. Leave tons of firepower with the Scary Guy, and leave us to clean up the mess. He makes tracks to leave the library, intent on doing something about this. Buffy takes him by the arm and spins him around to face her. Buffy: You would just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn't you? Xander: I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason. Buffy: Right. This is all nobility. This has nothing to do with jealousy. Xander gives her a haughty grin, but is interrupted before he can continue. Cordelia: Hello? Miss Not-Over-Yourself-Yet? Buffy: (shakes her head in warning) Don't you start with me. Cordelia looks to Giles for support. Willow: (upset) Giles, no one's doing the 'I' statements! Giles: That's enough! Everybody. Now, Buffy knows our concerns, and her actions, however ill-advised, can be understood. (Cordelia shakes her head) Our... priority right now is to retrieve the Glove of Myhnegon and try to destroy it. Now, all of you, back to classes. One after the other they all get up, gather their things and go. Giles goes into his office, his hands firmly stuffed into his pockets. Once there he takes off his jacket and hangs it around the back of his chair. Buffy follows him and stops by the office door. Buffy: (uneasily) Thanks for the bail in there. Giles doesn't face her, and instead unbuttons his vest. Buffy: I know this is a lot to absorb, but Angel did find the glove, and that was a good... Giles: (interrupts) Be quiet. (slowly turns to face her) (sternly) I won't remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer. But sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me... for hours... for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You have no respect for me, or the job I perform. Buffy averts her eyes in shame. Giles turns back to his desk, sits down and leans back in thought. Buffy just stands in the doorway for a long moment before leaving quietly. Cut to Faith's motel room. There is a knock at the door. Faith opens it, stake raised and ready. She is surprised to see Gwendolyn standing there. She lowers the stake as Mrs. Post enters. Gwendolyn: A word of advice? Vampires rarely knock. Especially in daylight. (closes the door) Faith: Oh, right. Gwendolyn: (looks around) So... this is your home. Faith: Yeah. (gestures around the room) The decorator actually just left. Gwendolyn: Faith, do you know who the Spartans were? (leans against the dresser) Faith: Wild stab: a bunch of guys from Spart? (sits on the bed) Gwendolyn: They were the fiercest warriors known to Ancient Greece. And they lived in quarters very much like these. Do you know why? Because a true fighter needs nothing else. I'm going to be very hard on you, Faith. I will not brook insolence or laziness. And I will not allow blunders like last night's attack. You will probably hate me a great deal of the time. Faith: (smiles sardonically) You think? Gwendolyn: (steps over to the bed) But I will make you a better Slayer, (sits next to Faith) and that will keep you alive. You have to trust that I am right. God only knows what Mr. Giles has been filling your head with. Faith: Giles is okay. Gwendolyn: (stands) His methods are unfathomable to me. I find him entirely confounding. But that is not important. Let him have his games and secret meetings. Faith: What meetings? Gwendolyn: Oh, I don't know. Something with Buffy and her friends. Faith: Oh, right. I guess that doesn't include me. Gwendolyn: And why does he let her socialize so much? It hardly seems... No matter. Would you like to do some training? Faith: Training? (stands up) As in kicking and punching and stabbing? Gwendolyn: (smiles) Yes, that's the idea. Faith: I'm your girl. Cut to the halls at Sunnydale High. The bell rings. Buffy walks around the corner and stops when she sees Willow at her locker. She takes a breath to calm herself and heads over to her friend. Buffy: Hey. Willow: Hey! (continues gathering her stuff) Buffy: So on a scale of one to a million, how much are you hating me right now? Willow: (jumpy, trying to hide her feelings) Zero. You were scared, you kept a secret, you know? (zips closed her backpack) That's-it-it's okay. I mean, secrets aren't bad. You know, they're normal. (slips her pack onto her shoulder) They're better than normal. They're good. Secrets are good. Must be a reason why we keep them, right? (closes her locker) Buffy: Yeah, I guess. They start down the hall. Willow: So, are you going to the Bronze tonight, or, uh, are you gonna sneak away for a not-so-secret rendezvous with Angel? Buffy: None of the above. I'm gonna try and kill this Lagos guy. Peace offering to Giles. Willow: Well, Angel has the glove now, right? Buffy: Yep. But Lagos doesn't know that. I figure sooner or later he's bound to show up at that crypt looking for it. Willow: Ah, but instead he finds a Buffy in a not-so-good mood. Buffy: That's my brilliant plan. Cut to the Bronze that evening. Xander makes his breaking shot at a pool table. He goes over to the pocket where he accidentally sank his cue ball, retrieves it and walks back around the table to continue practicing. Faith approaches the table. Faith: You look pissed. Xander: Rough day. (chooses his shot) Faith: Tell me about it. Xander: (places the cue ball) Rather just shoot. (aims his cue stick) Faith: Don't think I don't know what you and your pals were talking about behind my back today. Xander: (takes his shot) Yeah? And what was that? (looks for his next shot) Faith: More about this glove deal than you're saying. Xander: The Glove of Myhnegon? Right. (aims his cue stick) How'd you like a hit of some real news: Angel's still alive. He takes his shot and starts walking around the table again, looking for his next shot. Faith looks at him in wide-eyed surprise. Faith: The vampire. Xander: Back in town. Saw him myself. Toting the popular and famous glove. He bends down again to take aim for his shot. Faith: Angel. Xander makes this shot and watches the balls ricochet. Faith: Guy like that, with that kind of glove, could kill a whole mess of people. Xander: Said the same thing to Buffy myself. Weird how she didn't seem to care. (aims for his next shot) Faith: Buffy knew he was alive. Xander takes his shot. Faith: I can't believe her. Xander: (walks around the table) She says he's clean. Faith: Yeah, well, I say we can't afford to find out. (has Xander's full attention) I say I deal with this problem right now. I say I slay. Xander: Can I come? He puts down his cue stick and they head out. Cut to Giles' office at the library. He is researching at his desk. He hears footsteps and turns around to stand up and see who it is. Gwendolyn: You wanted to see me, Mr. Giles? Giles: (grabs his coat) Yes. I do apologize for bringing you in at this late hour. (pulls it on) Gwendolyn: Please. A good Watcher must be awake and alert at all hours. Giles: Would you like some tea? He tosses his glasses onto his desk and steps over to his tea-making implements to prepare his teapot and two cups. Gwendolyn: God, yes, please. I'm completely knackered. (goes to Giles' chair) I spent the afternoon training with Faith. (sits) She doesn't lack for energy. Giles: (chuckles) She's your first Slayer, I take it? Gwendolyn: If you're questioning my qualifications... Giles: No, I'm not. (pours water from the kettle into his teapot) I, uh, have the utmost respect for your methods... (faces her, holding the teapot) in my own American way. (leans against his desk) I also have the glove. (Gwendolyn looks at him expectantly) Oh, not actually on me, but, uh, I believe it's safe. It's in a mansion on Crawford Street. A-a-a friend of Buffy's is keeping it there. Gwendolyn: (stands up) Well. We must get to it. Immediately. Hide it before someone else finds it. Giles: Or better still, destroy it. Gwendolyn: (surprised) Destroy it? Giles: (stands up and sets down the teapot) Yes, I-I... I didn't think it could be done either, but... (goes to his desk for a book) It involves transforming fire (show her the book) into Living Flame and immolating the glove. Gwendolyn reads the pages where Giles indicates. Giles: I-i-it's complex, but, uh, I believe I have all the necessary materials. He goes back to his desk and checks his gathered inventory. Gwendolyn: Well, (puts the book down) I must say, Mr. Giles... Good show. She steps up behind him and hits him across the back of the neck with a wooden tribal statue. His knees give and he stumbles, but doesn't fall. He turns to face her, giving her a stunned look. Gwendolyn: Good show indeed. She swings the statue again at his temple. It hits him hard, and he falls unconscious to the floor. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Restfield Cemetery in front of the Von Hauptman family crypt. Willow paces and Buffy sits on a stone bench while they wait for Lagos to show up. Willow: Um, not to downplay my own slaying abilities, which in some circles are considered formidable, but shouldn't Faith be here? Buffy: I tried calling, but no one was home. Look, if you're feeling any demon-o-phobia, please, splitting is totally an option. You're not the one in trouble with Giles. Willow: That's true. (continues pacing) Buffy: How long do you think he can stay angry at me, anyway? Willow: The emotional marathon man? (shrugs) Buffy: Yeah. I can't really blame him. It's weird, though. Now that my secret... Angel, it's all out in the open... I feel better. Willow: Well, *sure* you do. This big burden's been lifted. I mean, keeping secrets is a lot of work. (stops pacing) One could hypothetically imagine. Buffy: You have no idea. Willow: (laughs uneasily) None whatsoever. But... (sits next to Buffy) Can I ask you a question? (Buffy nods) When you were with Angel and nobody knew about it, did that make it feel, you know, sexier somehow? Buffy: Not really. It's too much pressure. After a while, it even makes the fun parts... not so fun. Willow: (disappointed) Oh. Buffy: (wondering what's up) What makes you think all this secret stuff is sexy, anyway? Willow: (nervously defensive) Nothing. I'm just wondering. Gotta keep asking the big old questions when you're blessed with this girl's thirst for knowledge and... (gives in) Okay. There's something I have to tell you. Buffy: What? Willow: (gets up) Okay. This will make me feel better, right? You know, I always consider myself a good person. Floss, do my homework, never cheat. But lately, and please don't judge me on this, but I want you to be the first to know that, that... (sees Lagos) there's a demon behind you. Buffy looks behind her and kicks her legs up to spin herself around on the bench. She uses the momentum of the spin to start a running attack. She jumps into a twin pike kick to Lago's stomach. It has no real effect on Lagos, just making him take a step backward as she falls flat to the ground. Willow looks on, worried and unable to help. Lagos reaches down for Buffy and grabs her by the neck. He pulls her up only to flip her back down to the ground in a sloppy front tuck. She lands hard on her back. Willow wants to help, but can only watch. Buffy gets to her feet and comes at Lagos with a combination of a punch to the gut and the face, a half spin, a backhand punch to the face, another half spin and another backhand punch. She tries for an elbow jab, but he blocks it, grabs her arm and reaches for her leg, and lifts her up above his head. Willow is afraid for her friend and waves her hands wildly in protest. Willow: Don't... Lagos suddenly drops Buffy, and she lands hard on her back. Willow cringes at the sight. Buffy quickly gets to her feet and steps to her right as Lagos swings a fist at her head. He misses her and smashes his fist into a stone cross. Taking advantage of the opening, Buffy steps in and front snap kicks him in the gut, following up with a roundhouse kick to his face, a full spin and another roundhouse kick to his crotch. Lagos doubles over in pain. Willow winces at how painful it looked. Buffy spies the battle-ax on his back. Buffy: Now we're talking. She grabs the ax, pulls it from its sheath and swings it around as Lagos straightens back up. In one stroke Lagos is suddenly headless. His head rolls along the ground a ways before coming to rest. Willow pumps her fists into the air in front of her. Willow: Yes! She quickly plays down her gesture into crossed arms. Buffy comes walking back to her. Buffy: Sorry about that. So, what were you saying? Willow: Oh, I... (decides against a confession) I opened my SAT test booklet five minutes early. (Buffy gives her a blank look) Just doesn't seem important now, does it? Buffy: (smiles) Your secret's safe with me. (looks at Lagos' body) Come on. Let's go bring Giles some happiness. She shoulders the battle-ax, and the two girls head for the library. Cut to the library. Faith and Xander barge in and head for the cage, and the weapons cabinet within. Xander: Good old Sunnydale library. Fully equipped with reference books, file cards... (opens the cabinet doors) and weapons. Faith: Beauty. (reaches in) Xander: I call crossbow. (reaches for it) Faith: You got it. They gather an array of weapons. Xander grabs some bolts for the bow. They close the doors when they have what they want. Xander: All right, ready to go? Faith: That I am. They start to head out, when Xander hears a moan coming from Giles' office. Xander: Wait. Faith: What? Xander hurries into the office. He sets down the crossbow when he sees Giles on the floor and kneels down to help him. Xander: Oh, my God. It's Giles! (holds his head) Giles, can you hear me? (looks around) What the hell happened? Faith: Gee, let me guess. Xander: (trying not to panic) Stop. Hold it. Just think a minute. Faith: Yeah, I'm thinking. Thinking Buffy's ex-meat did this. Xander: (grabs the phone) It's not Angel's style. (dials 911) Faith: The guy's a demon! How much more proof do you need? Xander: Bite marks would be nice. (into the phone) Yeah, I have a medical emergency. Sunnydale High. Faith: Screw this waiting crap. (starts to go) Xander: Faith, if we leave, Giles could die! Faith: (from the checkout counter) Yeah, and he's gonna have a whole lot of company, unless *I* do something permanent. (starts to go again) Xander: Wait! Faith: For what? You to grow a pair? You handle the baby-sit, and I'm gonna kill Angel. (strides out) Xander: Damn it! He waits on the phone, holding Giles' head. Cut to Angel's mansion. He has a fire going in an urn and several small bowls of powders in various colors on a small table. Angel: Exorere, Flamma Vitae. Prodi ex loco tuo elementorum, in hunc mundum vivorum. Translation: Arise, Flame of Life. Come forth from your place of the elements, into this world of the living. He shakes some of a green powder into his hand, throws it into the flame, and it begins to burn green. Angel: Exorere, Flamma Vitae. Prodi ex loco tuo elementorum, in hunc mundum vivorum. Translation: Arise, Flame of Life. Come forth from your place of the elements, into this world of the living. He shakes some of a red powder into his hand, throws it into the flame, and it begins to burn red. Cut to the library. Buffy and Willow open the doors and walk in. Buffy: Giles is gonna be psyched that we showed up stuffy old Mrs. Post. They see the paramedics there with Giles on a gurney. Buffy tosses the battle-ax over the counter. Buffy: Oh, my God. (runs to Giles' side) Paramedic: (into her radio) Sunnydale Medical... Buffy: What happened? Paramedic: (into her radio) ...Caucasian male, mid-forties... Buffy: Giles... Paramedic: ...blunt object head trauma. Notify ER, we're bringing him in. Buffy: What happened? Paramedic: No time for this. (starts to wheel him out) Giles: (feebly) Wait... (the paramedics stop) Buffy, you must... must destroy the glove. Paramedic: (sternly) You want him to live? Get out of the way. She and her partner quickly roll Giles from the library. Giles: Use... Living... Flame... Paramedic: Move! They slam the library doors open with the gurney and turn down the hall. Willow looks at Xander, worried and wanting to know what went down. Buffy watches until the gurney has disappeared, then also turns to Xander for an explanation. He just gives her a blank stare. Buffy: What happened? Xander: Your boyfriend's not as cured as you thought. Buffy: What makes you think that Angel had anything to do with this? Xander: We saw what you saw. Buffy: So you just assume? Xander: I didn't. Faith did. Willow gives Buffy a concerned look. Buffy: (very worried) What did you tell her? Xander: Only what everyone knows. She's a big girl. Came to her own conclusions. Buffy: (angry) How much of a head start does she have? Xander: Ten minutes. Buffy: (steps over to Willow) Go through Giles' research. Figure out how to destroy the glove. She glares at Xander for a second, not believing that he could actually do such a thing, and then runs from the library. Willow watches her go, then looks at Xander accusingly. He tries to say something, but Willow doesn't let him get a single word out. Willow: Shut up and help me. She heads for Giles' office. Xander follows close behind. Cut to Angel's mansion. The red Living Flame burns intensely in the urn. Angel turns around to get the glove, but stops when he sees Gwendolyn walk in. He stares at her unwaveringly. Angel: What do you want? Gwendolyn: Gwen Post. Mr. Giles sent me. Angel: What for? Gwendolyn: To help you destroy the glove. (looks at the urn) Is that the Living Flame? Angel: Yes. Gwendolyn: (goes to the table by the urn) Look, I'm sorry to be so abrupt, but Lagos is on his way here now. (looks it over) If you're performing the ritual incorrectly, it will only make the glove more powerful. Angel: Alright. (steps up to the flame) Gwendolyn: Good. Where is the glove? Angel: It's in the trunk. He turns around again to get the glove from the trunk. Gwendolyn grabs a shovel that's leaning against the table and swings it hard into his head. He falls to the floor unconscious. Gwendolyn: That's what I love about this town. Everyone's so helpful. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Angel's mansion. Gwendolyn hurries over to the trunk and tries to open it. She finds it locked. Gwendolyn: Bugger. She tries yanking at the old padlock, but it doesn't give. Gwendolyn: Bugger! She takes the shovel and jams it into the padlock a few times. The old lock breaks readily. She reaches down to remove it. Behind her Angel gets up from the floor sporting his game face. Angel: Okay... Gwendolyn looks at him in surprise. Angel: That hurt. Gwendolyn: (holds the shovel defensively) It was supposed to kill you. If you'd been human, it would have. But... (breaks the handle over her knee) I believe this is your poison. She swings at Angel's midsection with her long makeshift stake, but he sidesteps her to avoid the blow. She swings back the other way, but this time aims for his face, and he ducks it. She swings again, but Angel middle blocks the hit and takes the opportunity to punch her in the face. She falls down hard and loses her grip on the shovel handle. She scrambles onto all fours and starts to make a run for it. Angel circles around the urn with the Living Flame, grabs her by the back of the neck as she rises to her feet, pushes down on her neck to stop her and throws her against a wall. She slides to the floor nearly unconscious. Angel grabs her by the shoulder just as Faith barges in holding a long club with a steel hook embedded in the business end. Faith: Mrs. Post! Angel lets go of Gwendolyn, roars and faces his new adversary. Faith: (intensely angry) I can't believe how much I'm gonna kill you. Angel: (stands his ground) You're *not* getting that glove. Faith: You wanna bet? Before she has a chance to attack with her club, Angel does a low in-to- out crescent kick, knocking it from her hands. Faith body checks him, but he easily absorbs the blow, taking only a slight step backward. Gwendolyn begins to come to, and watches the fight. Angel does a backhand swing to Faith's head, making it snap back and to the side. She whirls back around, infuriated, and delivers a backhand punch to his face followed immediately with another punch. Angel tries to return with a punch, but he swings too wide, and Faith has plenty of time to duck it. Angel's follow through leaves him in an awkward position, and Faith takes immediate advantage. She bends over his right side and holds onto him for support as she kicks up backwards, hitting him in the head with a reverse snap kick. He is dazed with pain. She steps away from his side and stomps down on the back of his right knee, causing him to collapse. Faith grabs Angel by the shirt and launches him into the air. He lands on one side of the couch and backrolls over the coffee table to the other section set at a right angle. He is severely stunned. Faith runs over to him, sees that he is defenseless and raises her stake. She swings down hard with it directly at his chest, when out of nowhere an arm reaches in and stays her swing. She looks to her side and sees that it's Buffy. Faith: (very confused) What? Buffy grabs her by the waist and throws her away from Angel. Cut to the library. Willow and Xander are grinding and mixing powders for the spell to invoke Living Flame. Xander: Think we got it? Willow: Well, it's either the catalyst for Living Flame or just some really smelly sand. (looks at Xander, worried) We'll have to test this. Xander: I'll double-check. He reads through his book, and Willow notices his suddenly intent stare while reading. Willow: What? Xander: I know what the glove does. He angles the book so she can read and points to a passage. She quickly absorbs the information. Willow: There's no time to test this. She quickly grabs a plastic bag and pulls it open. Xander blows out the candles on the table, grabs the grinding bowl and pours the mix into the plastic bag. Willow spins the neck of the bag to seal it, and they both race out of the library. Cut to Angel's mansion. Buffy is faced off against Faith, ready to fight. Buffy: I can't let you do it, Faith. Faith: You're confused, Twinkie. (smiles ironically) Let me clear you up. (points at Angel) Vampire. (points at herself) Slayer. (points at Angel again) Dead vampire. Buffy: There's a lot that you don't understand. Gwendolyn: (groggy) Faith... The two Slayers look over at her. Gwendolyn: (weak from her fight) She doesn't know. She's blinded by love. Buffy: Faith, no. Gwendolyn: Trust me. Faith looks back and forth between them. Buffy: (drops her guard) Faith, we can figure this out... Faith does a full spinning hook kick to Buffy's face. She takes the hit hard, falling to her knees. Faith delivers two roundhouse kicks to Buffy's gut while she's still on the floor. Buffy stands up and does an uppercut punch to Faith's right arm, knocking the stake from her hand. Buffy backhand punches Faith in the face, and punches her in the chest. She shoves Faith backward, and Faith takes a few stumbling steps, trying to steady herself. Buffy does a jumping double roundhouse kick, alternating her legs, both of which are blocked by Faith. Buffy tries a backhand punch, but Faith blocks it. Buffy whirls around and punches Faith in the face with her other hand, catching Faith off guard. Faith leans in again and tries to punch Buffy, but she middle blocks it and punches Faith in the gut and again in the face. Faith drops to the floor, but thinks fast and tries to sweep kick Buffy's legs out from under her, but Buffy jumps to avoid it. Faith scrambles back up, and the two girls face off again. Buffy blocks two roundhouse kicks from Faith. Buffy tries a high out-to-in crescent kick, which Faith easily ducks. Faith rises back up and does a spinning back kick that hits Buffy squarely in the back, sending her to her knees. Faith rushes up behind her and grabs her in a choke hold around her neck. Buffy grabs Faith's arm and twists her body around, trying to throw Faith off, but to no avail. She grabs Faith's fingers and pulls them backward, cracking her knuckles. Faith: Auuuugh! Now Buffy is able to throw Faith off with a twist of her body, and both girls end up on the floor. Faith rolls into a wall, hitting her back against a corner. Buffy scrambles to her feet and runs at Faith, but she snaps out her leg and trips Buffy, making her fall again. Buffy rolls over her back and to her knees. While she is still crouched, Faith comes in for an axe kick, trying to hit her on the way down. Buffy cross blocks her leg, grabs her ankle and raises her arms, throwing Faith off balance and to the floor. Faith quickly gets to her feet, and the two Slayers face off once again. Buffy rushes Faith and grabs her by the waist. The two of them go crashing through the French doors out into the atrium. When the glass has fallen, they both roll away from each other and to their feet, facing off a fourth time. Faith gives Buffy an angry look, spins all the way around and backhand punches Buffy in the face. Faith tries another backhand punch, which Buffy blocks. Faith punches Buffy in the gut and does another backhand punch to her face, this time connecting and forcing Buffy to her hands and knees. Faith advances on her, but Buffy does a crouching back kick to her stomach, making her stagger backward into a metal garden chair. She quickly gets up, grabs the chair and throws it at Buffy, who sidesteps it, and it clangs to the stone walk. Cut inside. Xander and Willow come running into the mansion and find Gwendolyn still dazed by the wall. Gwendolyn: The glove! It's in the trunk. Xander: (reassuringly) We'll get it. Gwendolyn: (to Xander) Help Faith. Cut to the atrium. Faith does a half-spinning crescent kick, which Buffy ducks, but gets hit instead with Faith's next roundhouse kick. Faith swings a punch at Buffy, but she ducks it and blocks a backhand from Faith as well. Buffy fakes a punch and instead elbows Faith in the gut. Faith ducks the next punch. Buffy pushes Faith backwards and does a half spinning hook kick to her face, almost making her lose her balance. Cut inside. Xander looks up at the two Slayers fighting it out. He rushes out to intercede. Willow helps Gwendolyn to her feet. Cut to the atrium. Faith does a jumping roundhouse kick, which Buffy ducks. Xander comes rushing out through the broken doors. Xander: What are you... (sees them faced off again and gets between them) Stop! Guys, listen! Faith grabs him by the shirt and throws him into a lamppost. He bounces off of it and hits the stone walkway hard. Back at the doorway, Buffy does a diving punch, knocking Faith in the head and making her cry out in pain. Cut inside. Gwendolyn makes a beeline for the trunk with the glove. She throws the lid open and unfolds the rags wrapped around the glove. Reverently she takes the glove out of the trunk and cradles it in her hands. Gwendolyn: (smiling wickedly) Finally. Behind her Willow is confused by her words and actions. Sensing Willow's proximity, Gwendolyn swings the glove around in a wide arc, hitting her in the face. She falls to the marble floor unconscious. Cut to the atrium. Faith punches, but Buffy blocks. Buffy tries to punch, but is also blocked. Faith tries again, and is blocked again. Buffy grabs onto Faith's throat, and Faith reaches up to try to pry Buffy's hand off of her. Cut inside. Gwendolyn holds the glove in her left hand and looks down at it. Slowly she slides her right arm into the glove. Once it's inside, she makes a fist with the clawed fingers. Suddenly the metal claws surrounding the glove's opening begin closing, puncturing her arm one at a time until all ten have become permanently embedded in her forearm's flesh. She holds up her gloved arm and smiles maniacally at the sight, seemingly oblivious to the pain. She extends her arm above her, up toward the huge skylight and recites the Gaelic spell that will invoke the power of the glove. Gwendolyn: Taou huogan maqachte milegaing! Translation: Be mine, the power of Myhnegon! Up in the sky lightning strikes and thunder booms. Outside Buffy and Faith stop their fighting to see what's going on. Inside Gwendolyn breathes excitedly as she waits for the power to become hers. Lightning strikes again above the skylight. Outside Buffy and Faith stare at Gwendolyn, still holding onto each other, not yet willing to take the chance on releasing their grip. Inside Gwendolyn stares intently up at the sky, awaiting her reward for being the new wearer of the Glove of Myhnegon. Outside the two Slayers realize their fight is no longer with each other, and let go. Faith: What's going on? Gwendolyn allows herself to be distracted, lowers her gloved arm and looks over at Faith. Gwendolyn: (smiling maliciously) Faith! A word of advice: you're an idiot. Faith and Buffy both look at her in disbelief. Gwendolyn once again raises her arm to the sky and utters the words that will call forth the power of the glove. Gwendolyn: Tauo freim! Translation: Be free! On the floor Willow wakes up and turns around just in time to see a blindlingly bright bolt of lightning smash through the skylight and strike the glove. Shards of shattered glass fall everywhere, but Gwendolyn ignores them and rejoices in her new-found power. She turns to face the Slayers and extends the glove toward them. Gwendolyn: Tauo freim! Translation: Be free! The bolt of energy leaps from the glove at the two girls. They scramble out of the way, and the bolt hits a tree in the atrium, instantly setting it ablaze. Buffy and Faith look at it in amazement, then turn their attention to what they can do about Gwendolyn. Angel also comes to now, and quickly takes in the situation. Willow gets to her feet and begins backing away, stiff with fear, staring at Gwendolyn in shocked horror. The would-be Watcher spins around and aims the glove at her. Gwendolyn: Tauo freim! Translation: Be free! Thinking fast, Angel jumps to his feet and rushes toward Willow. A lightning bolt shoots through the skylight, hits the glove and is redirected at Willow. Angel reaches her just in time and roughly tackles her to the floor out of harm's way. The bolt hits the fireplace instead and leaves a deep scorch mark in the marble. Outside Buffy comes up with a plan. Buffy: (to Faith) Can you draw her fire? Faith: You bet I can. Buffy: Go do it. Faith gets to her feet and runs into the mansion. Gwendolyn sees her coming. Faith ducks into a hallway and keeps running. Gwendolyn surmises that Faith will appear at the other hallway leading from the opposite end of the room, and extends her arm in that direction. Gwendolyn: Tauo freim! Translation: Be free! Another lightning bolt strikes the glove and is sent in the direction of the hallway just as Faith comes running out of it. She dives behind the couch, avoiding the blast from the glove. Thrilled with the power that is now hers, Gwendolyn holds the glove up before her, staring at it with lustful desire in her eyes. Gwendolyn: There's nothing you can do to me now. Outside Buffy sifts through the broken glass, finds a larger shard, gets to her feet and runs into the mansion. Gwendolyn: I have the glove. With the glove comes the power. Buffy: I'm getting that. Gwendolyn looks over at Buffy in surprise. Buffy throws the shard of glass end over end. It flies like a spinning blade at Gwendolyn and slices cleanly through her upper arm, severing it and the glove from her body. With nothing to control it now, the power of the glove becomes erratic, and small bolts and sparks leap from it in random directions. Another bolt of lightning strikes through the skylight, and not having a target this time, hits Gwendolyn in the chest, with a few small tendrils going in through her eyes. She screams at the top of her lungs as her body begins to writhe in pain. Everyone watches helplessly as she keeps screaming and the lightning bolts keep coming. Buffy shuts her eyes to the sight. A moment later, with one final bright lightning strike, what's left of a one-armed Gwendolyn vanishes in a bright flash of light and energy. A few small arcs of electricity are all that remain as the last of the energy dissipates, and the mansion is again in relative darkness. Buffy opens her eyes. Willow and Angel get to their feet. Outside Xander gets up also and heads inside. Faith stands up from behind the couch. All that is left in the center of the room are bits of glass and framework from the skylight, a cloud of smoke slowly rising upward and the Glove of Myhnegon with Gwendolyn's severed arm still firmly in its grip. One by one the ten claws open up, releasing it. Cut to Sunnydale High the next day. Cut to the student lounge. Willow and Oz are sitting on one of the couches across the coffee table from Xander and Cordelia, who are sitting on the other. Cordelia: So there's no more glove thingy? Xander: No. Little Living Flame, little mesquite, gone for good. Oz: Sounds like we missed a lot of fun. Xander: Then we're telling it wrong. Willow: What do you think Buffy and Angel are gonna do? Xander: Boy, do I don't know. (nods) Cordelia gives him a strange look. Willow: Well, he saved me from a horrible flamey death. That sort of makes me like him again. (smiles thinly) Xander: Well, as long as she and Angel don't get pelvic, we'll be okay, I guess. Cordelia doesn't like the way Xander phrased that, and crosses her arms. Buffy walks up the stairs to meet them. Xander sits up straight. Buffy: What are you guys talking about? Oz: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again. Buffy: (looks down sadly) He's not my boyfriend. (sits next to Xander) Really, truly, he's... (sighs) I don't know. She looks over at Xander and Cordelia. They both look back. Buffy: (hesitatingly) Are we cool? Xander: Yeah! Just seeing the two of you kissing after everything that happened, I leaned toward the postal. (pauses) But I trust you. Cordelia: I don't. Just for the record. Buffy raises her eyebrows, not all that surprised. Behind her Giles clears his throat, and she turns to face him. He's leaning against the railing with a large bandage on his left temple. Buffy: Let me guess: Gwendolyn Post: not a Watcher. Giles: Yes, she was. (cautiously takes the steps) She was, uh, kicked out by the council a couple of years ago for misuses of dark power. They swear there was a memo. Buffy: Well, I better go. (to Xander) Little more damage control. She gets up and heads out of the lounge. Willow: (sighs) The whole Angel thing is so weird. Giles: (slowly sits next to Xander) Yes, well, we'll have to see how that unfolds, won't we? Cut to Faith's motel room. She's lying on the bed, flipping through a magazine and watching Dragnet in black and white. A man opens his door to talk with the officers. Man: Yes, sir? Friday: Police officers. My name's Friday, this is... There's a knock on Faith's door. Man: How are you? Faith: Come in. Buffy opens the door, peeks in and then comes into the room. Buffy: Hey. Man: Called the police just a little while ago. Talked to a man down there. I didn't get his name, though. Buffy: The place looks nice. Faith: Yeah, it's real Spartan. Friday: Can you show us where they broke in, please? Buffy: How are you? Faith: Five-by-five. Buffy: I'll interpret that as good. Faith doesn't respond, but just continues paging through her magazine. Buffy: Look, Gwendolyn Post, or whoever she may be, had us all fooled. Even Giles. Faith: (without looking up) Yeah, well, you can't trust people. I should've learned that by now. Buffy: I realize this is gonna sound funny coming from someone that just spent a lot of time kicking your face... but you can trust me. Faith: (looks up, amused) Is that right? (tosses the magazine aside) Buffy: I know I kept secrets, but I didn't have a choice. I'm on your side. Faith: *I'm* on my side, (nods) and that's enough. Buffy: (shakes her head) Not always. Faith: (shrugs) Is that it? Buffy: Yeah, I guess. Faith: Alright. Well, then, I'll see you. She averts her eyes and stares at the TV. Buffy takes the hint and turns to go. Faith shakes her head, having a second thought. Faith: Uh, Buffy? Buffy: (faces her expectantly) Yeah? Faith reconsiders again for a long moment, and changes her mind again. Faith: Nothing. Buffy lowers her eyes, disappointed. Slowly she turns back to the door, opens it and leaves. Faith looks around her Spartan room and inhales and exhales deeply. Cut outside. Buffy goes over to the stairs and pauses for a moment, staring sadly into space, and then starts down the steps. Cut inside. The camera pulls back on Faith alone in her bed, staring out of the window for a moment, then back at the TV.

Plan: A: Gwendolyn Post; Q: Who is Faith's new Watcher? A: ( Serena Scott Thomas; Q: Who played Gwendolyn Post? A: Sunnydale; Q: Where does Gwendolyn Post arrive? A: Xander; Q: Who discovers Buffy's secret? A: Angel; Q: Who does Xander manipulate Faith into trying to kill? Summary: Faith's new Watcher, Gwendolyn Post ( Serena Scott Thomas ), arrives in Sunnydale. Xander discovers Buffy's secret and manipulates Faith into attempting to slay Angel, while Ms. Post is revealed to be more than meets the eye.

PLANET OF THE DALEKS BY: TERRY NATION 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. MASTER'S OPERATIONS AREA (The DOCTOR starts to stir slightly.) JO: Oh, Doctor, I thought you were dead? DOCTOR: (Weakly.) Help me... (He tries to clamber up.) JO: Yes...here... (With JO'S help he gets to his feet and falls back against the wall next to the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: (Weakly.) Help me into the TARDIS, Jo... JO: Okay. (She pushes the door open...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (...and they enter, the DOCTOR leaning on JO for support.) DOCTOR: (Weakly.) Alright, Jo. JO: Careful. (The DOCTOR staggers to the console, watched by a concerned JO. He closes the doors and stumbles round the edge of the console.) DOCTOR: The first thing we've got to do is...get out of here. (He pulls the main switch and the TARDIS starts to dematerialise. He stumbles to another panel, holding onto the console for support watched by JO. He puts out his hands and places them on two round discs on the console. Immediately a sound like speeded-up signals is faintly heard. The DOCTOR stands with his eyes closed and desperately trying to concentrate as the message continues...) JO: Doctor, what are you doing? DOCTOR: Tele...telepathic circuits...sending a message to the Time Lords...I must tell them to...I mu...I mu... (He collapses over the console.) JO: Doctor! (He manages to keep on his feet. JO run across the room to where there are a series of drawers and cupboards comprising one wall. She presses a button on the cupboards and one large drawer at floor level extends to reveal a full-length divan. She goes back to the console and helps him over to the divan.) JO: Come on, come and sit down. Come on. (He sits down.) JO: That's it, careful, that's it. (He starts to divest himself of his cloak.) DOCTOR: (Mutters.) Help me off with this. JO: Let's get this off. Now just lie back. DOCTOR: (Mutters.) Must lie down, Jo... (He falls back on the divan.) JO: Yes. DOCTOR: Must rest for a while...must rest... (She spreads the cloak over him like a blanket.) DOCTOR: I must rest, Jo... JO: Yes. (She strokes his forehead. She then gets a handkerchief out and dabs his forehead. He winces with the pain as it touches his wound.) JO: It's alright. (The DOCTOR gasps slightly and tries to remain conscious while he speaks to JO.) DOCTOR: Now, Jo...now listen to me...I'm liable to sleep for quite some time. Now, if anything happens - anything at all - record it in the log...record it in the log... JO: Log? DOCTOR: Yes... JO: What log? (She shouts at him to try to get through...) JO: Doctor, I don't know what you're talking about! DOCTOR: In the log...up there in the locker. (He looks upwards to a locker. JO opens it up and takes out a small recorder, the size of a cassette tape.) JO: Doctor? (The DOCTOR is breathing heavily but is unconscious.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: VORTEX (The TARDIS spins off into vortex and in pursuit...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR is alone. Only semi-conscious, he starts to thrash about on the divan.) DOCTOR: Jo!...Jo! (JO walks in from the inner section. She has changed out of her prison garbs and now wears a closely fitting check jacket and brown flares. She carries a raincoat which she throws onto the console when she sees the DOCTOR'S state and rushes over to him.) DOCTOR: (Delirious.) Careful! JO: Doctor?! DOCTOR: (Delirious.) Jo?! JO: Doctor?! (His fit starts to get worse...) DOCTOR: Jo?...Jo?! JO: Doctor! (He suddenly falls still. Fearfully, JO pulls back the cloak, opens his green jacket and listens to his hearts.) JO: Oh, it's so cold! (Totally unsure what to do, she sits on the edge of the divan and switches on the log to record...) JO: Shortly after entering the TARDIS, the Doctor fell into a...deep coma. His...respiration was very shallow...and his skin icy to the touch. (She gets up and paces the room, still recording...) JO: I could find trace of pulse or heartbeat, and his breathing apparently ceased. (Thinks.) But I've seen the Doctor in this condition once before...and he recovered after a sudden rise in temperature. (A beeping noise comes from the console and the materialisation noise starts up. JO watches as the centre column falls still and takes up her log again.) JO: The TARDIS seems to have landed. I suppose the Time Lords are working it by remote control again. I...I've no idea what the Doctor said to them in his message... (Sighs.) ...or where we are. I just...I just hope that they've...they've brought us somewhere where I can find some help for the Doctor. (She looks over at him and her eyes open wide. The still-unconscious DOCTOR now has a layer of ice covering his face. She rushes over to him and feels it.) JO: Ice! (She hurriedly pulls the cloak back over him and gets a shock when his eyes suddenly open wide - staring straight upwards.) JO: Doctor! Doctor, you're alive! (She listens again at his chest and then speaks into his blank face...) JO: Doctor? Doctor, I don't know whether you can hear me or not. Both your hearts are beating about...oh, about once every ten seconds...and your body temperature is somewhere below zero. I'm going outside. I'm going to try and find some help. (She goes to the console and looks over it for a control.) JO: Scanner...scanner? (She finds it...) JO: Scanner. (...and flicks the switch.) JO: That's it. (The small black and white monitor comes on. It shows a thick jungle outside. As the image revolves, it reveals that immediately outside the TARDIS are a series of primitive ruins - several standing stones, some of which have strange carvings and inscriptions on them. Suddenly, the image is partially as a splurge of liquid lands on the lens, followed by another and another. They are then continuous. JO bites her lip and goes over to the still unconscious DOCTOR, putting on her raincoat. He still stares upwards.) JO: Doctor? Doctor, I'm going now. I'll be back as soon as I can. (She sighs with frustration and heads for the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. JUNGLE. CLEARING OF RUINS (NIGHT) (The TARDIS door opens cautiously and she steps out. Part of the outside of the police box now has the spurted substance on it but it now seems to have encrusted. Wearing her raincoat and gloves, JO moves cautiously forward. She looks into the gloom through the thick mixture of tree, shrub, palm, bush and vine, listening all the time to the cries and noise of various animals. Suddenly, the mystery of the splurges on the TARDIS scanner is solved when a nearby plant sends out a squirt of yellow liquid at JO from the centre of its petals. JO whirls round as it lands on her back and moves slowly away from the plant. Another behind her squirts out another load of the substance in the same way. She moves further away from them and up to the ruins. She briefly looks over the stones and then moves on. A screech of a nearby animal alarms her but she carries on, pushing her way through dangling tendrils as she goes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. JUNGLE (DAWN) (Further into the jungle, she stops at the base of a large tree. She crouches down to rest and rubs her eyes. As she looks up, the green murk of the night sky suddenly gives way to an orange glow of dawn. She starts to record events in the log again.) JO: Things growing in this jungle seem more like animal than plant-life. The light is changing. It seems as if it's daybreak. There's a sudden change in temperature. I haven't seen any form of intelligent life...except...except those bits of... (She sighs as she struggles for a description...) JO: ...bits of statue by the TARDIS. (She sighs again. With the rise in temperature, she takes her raincoat off - only to realise with a shock that the back of it where the liquid landed is now blackened. She throws it away in disgust and moves on. Nearby are two plants growing like upturned pots. In the side of each of them is a flower like a small bulb. Both turn across the surface of the plant and follow JO'S movements. She carefully makes her way through the trees and past some shrubs that resemble pampas grass. After she has gone, this starts to thrash about, as if moved by an invisible creature, and a hoarse breathing is heard...) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR comes round. The icy substance on his face has disappeared.) DOCTOR: Jo? Jo, where are you? (He sits up weakly. His wound has also gone but his forehead is covered with a film of sweat. The noise of the substance from the plants landing on the shell of the TARDIS continues to come through to the console room.) DOCTOR: Jo? (He looks round in puzzlement.) DOCTOR: Jo? [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. JUNGLE (JO continues to make her way through the trees. Suddenly she stops. In a patch of soil in front of her are a series of footprints. They all end in a sharply pointed series of toes, almost like an arrowhead. Not seeing that she is near one of the spitting plants, she takes her woolen gloves off to touch and examine the footprint. Suddenly, the plant spits out its venomous substance which lashes across the ends of her fingers. She snatches her hand back and wipes it rapidly on her trousers, moving out of range of the plant.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (Recovering quickly, the DOCTOR gets to his feet and goes to the console. Almost immediately, one of the dials catches his attention...) DOCTOR: That's odd. The atmosphere outside is breathable and yet the automatic oxygen supply is on. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. JUNGLE. SPACECRAFT LANDSITE SITE (Her gloves back on, JO continues to follow the footprints. She looks up and sees, to her delight, that they lead to the first sign of advanced habitation that she has found - a crashed flat metal spacecraft in the jungle. Two arms lead back into exhaust ports and between them is a doorway in the hull. She goes up to this.) JO: (Quietly.) Hello? (Louder.) Hello, is anybody there? (She walks round one side of the craft, looking at its markings and insignia. Seeing no sign of life, she moves back to the door at the rear of the craft. She opens it and enters.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. SPACECRAFT (Inside is a cramped rear cabin with two upright seats, either side of an aisle. She looks through a short passageway to the front cabin where she sees a figure sat in a pilot's chair. It wears a beige ribbed spacesuit and a white helmet. It has a covering of cobwebs. She goes through a tiny passage between the cabins and up to the figure, shaking it on the shoulder. It falls to one side - dead.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR goes round to the door control on the console and flicks the switch. They do not open and make a noise like a strained motor. He tries again and gets the same result. Before he can take any further action, an alarm starts to bleep on the console. The main scanner shows a read-out which says: Automatic Oxygen Supply Exhausted He thinks for a moment.) DOCTOR: I'll just have to use the emergency supply. (He goes over to a low cabinet in the corner of the room and wheels it out. He presses a button in the side and the inner section rises upwards. It reveals three horizontal oxygen cylinders contained within. He opens the valve of the top one. It hisses for a moment but then dies out. He opens the middle one but it is just as exhausted. He tries the final one and it gives out a steady and reassuring hiss. Satisfied, he looks down at his somewhat grimy jacket, soiled by events on Inter Minor, Earth, Draconia and various other locations. He goes over to another of the cupboards for a change of clothes - not noticing that the hiss of air from the last of the three cylinders is dying down...) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. SPACECRAFT (JO is crouched down as far as she can into a corner of the front cabin of the crashed ship as someone enters and creeps slowly nearer. The new arrival has on a beige ribbed spacesuit like the dead man. She looks up fearfully as the figure comes into the front cabin and is revealed to be holding some sort of advanced stubby weapon, connected by a flexible cord to a power pack on a belt round his waist. The figure himself is a tall man with a shock of blond hair. Another man, slightly younger but similar in dress and looks stands behind him. The first man reaches out and pulls JO up. Without speaking, he pulls JO into the rear cabin where the second man puts her into one of the upright seats. They both stare at her in puzzlement and keep their weapons pointed. JO summons her courage.) JO: Who are you? (The first man speaks...) TARON: My name is Taron. (He looks at his unsmiling companion.) TARON: This is Vaber. JO: I'm Jo Grant. Do you live here? I...I mean do you live on this planet? TARON: What are you? Where are you from? JO: Well, I'm from a planet called Earth. VABER: (Harshly.) Earth? JO: (Hopefully.) You've heard of it? TARON: We know the name. (The younger man continues stares at JO with a mixture of hostility and aggression.) VABER: There is no such place as Earth. It's just a name in our old legends. It doesn't really exist. JO: (Amazed.) Believe me - it does! TARON: How did you come here? JO: In the TARDIS. TARON: TARDIS? JO: Well, yes, it...it's a sort of spaceship. VABER: Are you alone? JO: No. No, I have a friend with me and he's very sick. I was trying to find some help for him. (Pleading.) Look, I'm afraid he's dying. VABER: (Sharply.) We're not a hospital service! JO: (Slightly tearful.) Please? Please, you...you've got to help me! TARON: I'm qualified in space medicine. I'll do what I can. (JO sighs with relief. VABER looks at TARON with some disgust.) JO: Thank you. I was beginning to think that I'd never find anybody to help me. VABER: You were lucky they didn't find you. JO: They? TARON: Where is this ship of yours - the TARDIS? JO: Well, back through the jungle. TARON: Is it far? JO: Well, no, n...not far. It's by some...some...bits of statue. VABER: (To TARON.) Reference seven? TARON: (Impatiently.) Yes, yes, yes. JO: Look, come on, I'll take you there. (She is about to get out of her seat when the door opens and another blond young man, dressed in an identical spacesuit to the other two runs into the cramped cabin.) CODAL: Very near - a patrol! VABER: How many? CODAL: Three or four - headed this way. (He suddenly catches sight of JO.) CODAL: (To TARON.) Who's this? TARON: We have to move. JO: Well, I'm coming with you! TARON: No, we know this jungle now. We can move in it quietly and quickly. You'll be safer if you stay hidden here. (He opens up a small cupboard that is off the small passage.) TARON: Get inside. You can work the securer from in there. JO: But I want to come with you! TARON: That would slow us all up. You'd endanger all of us. Don't worry. We'll lead them away from here and lose them in the jungle. JO: Lose who? VABER: Come on! (VABER is halfway out of the ship, impatient to leave.) VABER: Come on! (He leaves. The third man follows him with a look of reluctance.) TARON: We'll do what we can for your friend. I'll come back for you later. JO: Thank you. (He runs out after his two companions.) JO: Please hurry! (She goes to the door...) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. JUNGLE. SPACECRAFT LANDSITE SITE (...and watches as the three men, weapons raised, move cautiously into the jungle.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. SPACECRAFT (She then does as instructed as goes into the cramped cupboard, locking it behind her. In the top half of the door is a grille. She looks through this into the body of the craft. Suddenly, the entire structure rocks and the door opens of its own accord. JO watches through the grille as a green communicator rises into the air from its resting place on a shelf. The cabin is filled with a hoarse rasping breathing sound. JO watches as the communicator is put down. She presses herself back against the wall as an identical cupboard next to hers is opened and the contents spilled onto the floor. Nervously she listens to the invisible intruder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. JUNGLE (An unsmiling VABER and a nervous CODAL look into the jungle as TARON runs up behind them. They spin round as they hear him, their weapons raised. They relax slightly when they see who it is but remain alert.) VABER: Which way are they moving? TARON: We're alright. They seem to be staying on the main tracks. There's a few scouts moving independently but off that way. (He points off into the trees.) CODAL: What about the girl? TARON: Oh, she should be alright. VABER: (Suspiciously.) And this "friend" of hers? TARON: (Thinks.) Let's go and find him. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. SPACECRAFT (The cupboard door shuts and the door handle of the cupboard next to it - JO'S hiding place - starts to be tried. Inside, JO keeps as quiet and as still as she can as she hears the hoarse breathing. Outside, an object like a fire extinguisher is lifted up from the floor of the rear cabin as it is inspected. JO is starting to look alarmed but, down the body of the craft, the rear door is opened as the invisible creature leaves the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. JUNGLE. SPACECRAFT LANDSITE SITE (It walks way from the craft - leaving footprints in the soil like pointed arrowheads...) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. SPACECRAFT (JO comes out of her hiding place. She goes to the rear door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. JUNGLE. SPACECRAFT LANDSITE SITE (She steps cautiously outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The console bleeps another alarm. The read-out on the scanner now states: Cabin Atmosphere Unable to Sustain Life (The DOCTOR, now dressed in a purple velvet jacket and matching shirt, is under the console examining the circuitry underneath. He is starting to find it hard to breathe.) DOCTOR: All the circuits are in order. The door must be held from the outside. I must get it open. (He starts to get to his feet.) DOCTOR: I must get that door open. (He staggers towards the door.) DOCTOR: Got to get...got to get that door open... (He leans on the two double doors.) DOCTOR: That's it...must get...o... (With little oxygen left, he slumps onto the floor.) DOCTOR: Must get it o...must get...must get...must get... (He starts to pass out as a scraping noise comes from the outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. JUNGLE. CLEARING OF RUINS (It is the TARON and VABER. Each wearing a protective helmet with an attached plastic overall and plastic gloves, they use knives to scrape the solidified substance off the shell of the TARDIS. CODAL keeps guard with his gun as the plants continue to squirt their deadly liquid at the rescuers. They manage to get the doors open and TARON steps inside and carries the DOCTOR out. VABER helps to carry him out of the range of the plants.) TARON: Right, sit him down here. (They sit the DOCTOR, now breathing heavily, onto a rock. CODAL takes their soiled protective gear off them as the DOCTOR quickly recovers, although he still gasps.) DOCTOR: Thank you...thank you very much. How did you find me? TARON: A girl we met. VABER: She told us where you were. DOCTOR: Is she alright? TARON: She should be. VABER: We left her hiding. TARON: (To CODAL.) Circle round the neighbourhood. See if there's any activity. (The young man moves off as the DOCTOR looks intently at TARON and VABER.) VABER: (With hostility.) What are you staring at? DOCTOR: Oh, I'm sorry, it's just...just that I thought I knew you. VABER: That's not likely. DOCTOR: Where are you from? TARON: A planet...many systems from here. DOCTOR: (Realises.) Skaro! Yes, of course - you're Thals! (TARON and VABER look at each other in shock.) TARON: How did you know that? DOCTOR: Cos I've been to Skaro - that's why. TARON: When? DOCTOR: Oh, many years ago. During the Dalek war. VABER: Dalek war? DOCTOR: Yes. VABER: (Suspiciously.) That's impossible! That was generations ago. You couldn't have been there. DOCTOR: Well, I can assure you that I was. TARON: How? DOCTOR: By travelling through the barriers of time. If you must know, I was with the Thal group when they broke into the Dalek city. TARON: (To VABER.) In our legend, there is a being - a figure from another planet who came to Skaro when the Thals were in their greatest peril...in something called...a TARDIS! (He looks down at the DOCTOR.) TARON: He had three companions with him. DOCTOR: Yes - Barbara, Ian and Susan. VABER: And their leader was called? DOCTOR: The Doctor. TARON: Are you trying to tell us that you are the Doctor? DOCTOR: That's right. VABER: (Angrily.) That's nonsense! You've come to spy on us! What are you doing on this planet? Here, of all the planets in the galaxy! (He jabs his gun at the DOCTOR.) VABER: (Shouts.) Answer! (Annoyed, the DOCTOR pushes the weapon to one side.) DOCTOR: Now, you listen to me, young man. You may have saved my life, and I'm grateful, but that does not give you the right to subject me to an inquisition! (He wipes away something on his cheek. TARON catches his hand and examines his face.) TARON: Vaber, give me the spray. DOCTOR: What? VABER: Waste our medical supplies? TARON: (Insistent.) The spray, Vaber! DOCTOR: What are you doing? (VABER reaches into his belt for a small spray.) TARON: You have been infected by a particularly deadly fungus. (TARON takes the spray.) TARON: Close your eyes. (The DOCTOR does so and TARON sprays his cheek.) TARON: They spread their spores in that liquid they've discharged. And the fungus spreads very quickly unless the surface has been specially treated. Turn your hand over. (He sprays the DOCTOR'S hand.) TARON: There, that should be alright now. DOCTOR: Now? Why, wha...woul...what would have happened? TARON: Without special treatment it would have spread all over your body. DOCTOR: Ah, that's nice. TARON: Until finally, you'd have been engulfed by it. DOCTOR: Oh... [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. JUNGLE. SPACECRAFT LANDSITE SITE (The area around the spaceship is quiet again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. SPACECRAFT (Inside, JO is still waiting for the three men to return. She takes off her jacket - and sees that a fungus is growing over the fingers of her left hand...) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. JUNGLE. CLEARING OF RUINS (VABER is getting impatient...) VABER: Come on - let's get started! (The DOCTOR gets to his feet but TARON pushes him back down.) TARON: No. We wait for Codal. DOCTOR: Tell me, what's the name of this planet? VABER: Spiridon - one of the nastiest pieces of space garbage in the ninth system. DOCTOR: Is it inhabited? VABER: Oh yes! Vegetation that's more like animal life than plant, creatures hostile to everything including themselves and a...climate that changes from tropical in the day to...sub-freezing in the night. DOCTOR: Any intelligent life-form? TARON: Oh yes - the Spiridons. They're invisible. DOCTOR: Mmm, I'd very much like to see one of them! I mean, I'd very much like to come into contact with one of them. VABER: Don't worry - you will. DOCTOR: You said just now that you were on some sort of mission? May one ask what it is? TARON: No, I can't tell you that - that's top secret. DOCTOR: As you wish. I'm on something of a special mission myself. (VABER'S short reserves of patience run out again...) VABER: Taron, why can't you face it? TARON: Now listen... VABER: (Interrupts.) None of us is ever going to get away from here! TARON: Vaber! VABER: The radio's gone, the ship's damaged, we can't take off - we're on a suicide mission! TARON: It was your choice - nobody made you come. (Annoyed by this put-down, VABER steps away in a sulk. The DOCTOR has been listening intently.) DOCTOR: Well, whatever it was you came here to do, it must be pretty important? TARON: We think so. DOCTOR: How many are there of you? (TARON hesitates, then...) TARON: There were seven. But our commander was killed on touchdown. And we've lost three others since. DOCTOR: Oh, only three left. TARON: Yeah. DOCTOR: Well, you could make that four if you let me help you? Five with Jo Grant. TARON: Thanks. I'll think about it. DOCTOR: You still don't trust me? TARON: Why should I? You come here out of nowhere and then claim to be something out of a legend. DOCTOR: Yes, I see your point. But I am on your side, you know? (With a whistle signal, CODAL returns, stepping through the bushes. Not understanding the signal, the DOCTOR is the most alarmed and jumps to his feet.) VABER: Anything about? CODAL: No, it, er , it seems quiet enough. TARON: (To the DOCTOR.) You alright now? DOCTOR: Yes, never felt better. TARON: Good, we'll take you to your friend. DOCTOR: That's good. TARON: After that, you're on your own. If you see me signal, dive for cover quickly and don't make a sound - understood? DOCTOR: Understood. [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. SPACECRAFT (JO lies unconscious on the floor of the cabin. The fungus has now grown across the back of her hand, her wrist and her lower forearm.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. JUNGLE (The party of four makes its way through the trees. The Thals are constantly alert. Suddenly TARON, in the front, gestures with a wave and the other three crouch down. Nearby, they can hear a scraping mechanical noise. They all gaze into the bushes.) TARON: (Quietly.) It's coming this way. (They continue to hear the noise.) TARON: It sounds like it's in trouble. (They listen for a moment more.) TARON: What do you think? VABER: It could be ray exhaustion. CODAL: No, light-wave sickness. That's what the others had. (The sound stops. Nearby, there is a vaguely round depression in the soil.) TARON: Do you think it's deactivated? CODAL: Well, we can't be sure. VABER: Let's chance it. (On TARON'S example, they rise and move slowly forward. TARON stops them again.) DOCTOR: Spiridons? (TARON shakes his head and looks at CODAL who hands the DOCTOR what looks like a paint canister.) CODAL: Here. DOCTOR: What's this? Some kind of weapon? (CODAL passes another to TARON.) CODAL: A liquid colour spray. (TARON points it at empty air in front of them.) TARON: Point it in this direction, press the control on top and you'll see what we're up against. (The DOCTOR sprays what should be thin air, but the paint starts to land on an invisible object. Round slats appear, as does an eye-stalk, sensor panels and other parts of a familiar object...) DOCTOR: Daleks!

Plan: A: Spiridon; Q: What is the name of the jungle planet? A: the Doctor; Q: Who has fallen into a coma? A: the Time Lords; Q: Who does the Doctor request to pilot the TARDIS? A: Jo; Q: Who does the Doctor want to follow the Daleks with? A: their base; Q: Where does the Doctor want to follow the Daleks? A: a bacterial virus; Q: What are the Daleks trying to create? A: universal conquest; Q: What is the Dalek's goal? A: Wester; Q: Who is the native Spiridon? A: 12,000 Daleks; Q: How many Daleks are in suspended animation? Summary: The TARDIS lands on the jungle planet Spiridon, where the Doctor has fallen into a coma, where The Doctor has requested the Time Lords to pilot the TARDIS, so he and Jo can follow the Daleks to their base. Where Jo learns the Dalek's base has been located on Spiridon where the Daleks are attempting to discover the secrets of Invisibilty and create a bacterial virus in their goal of universal conquest. Where The Doctor, recovered from his coma and Jo are joined by a task-force of Thals and a native Spiridon named Wester, Where they not only set out to stop The Daleks evil plot, they also discover a army of 12,000 Daleks are in suspended animation and are waiting to be revived to begin their universal conquest and claim themselves as the supreme rulers of the galaxy.

Ted from 2030: Kids, one morning in 2010, I opened the newspaper only to discover an op-ed written by Zoey Pierson. You remember Zoey. [FLASHBACK] Zoey: Key Ted Mosby's car. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted from 2030: In those four column inches, she railed against me and my company, GNB, for wanting to tear down a beautiful old building: The Arcadian. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the piece ran on a Saturday, which as you both know, is Dad's crossword day. Ted: She ruined crossword day! I can't believe this. She singles me out by name. Calls me a "fat cat." Me and my "fat-cat friends." We're not fat cats. Barney: Exactly. I say, Marshall, my good man, how's my bow tie? Marshall: Impeccable, old bean. To industry! Barney: Ah, bully! Ted from 2030: Okay, that night we weren't entirely un-fat-catty. You see, every year the Natural History Museum holds its Autumn Spectacular. It's attended by some of the most powerful and important people in New York, and, thanks to Goliath National Bank... us. Inside a cab Marshall: Look at us, huh? In tuxedos? Can you imagine if our college selves saw us like this? Ted: They'd pelt us with their Phish bootlegs. Marshall: Yeah, we were pretty anti-establishment back then. Oh, God, remember Russell? [FLASHBACK] (Marshall's college room) Marshall: Nice monkey suit, Russell. Russel: Come on, guys. Marshall: Oh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you with that corporate noose around your neck. And don't even try showing up to the drum circle this weekend. (Russel leaves the room, Ted enters) Ted: Oh, hey. You guys seen Russell? I'm supposed to drive him to his mom's funeral. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: I wish I knew you guys back then. You know why? Because you can't kick a story in the nuts. Lily: Hey, we're still those people. One of these days, Marshall's going to quit his job and go to work for the NRDC, and save the world, right, baby? Marshall: Absotively. But let's just remember, I mean, nobody's the same as they were in college. You know, it's like, I wear a suit to work every day. Lily: Well, yeah, but you wear it ironically, like Ted's fanny pack. Ted: Next time we go to Great Adventure, you're carrying your own sunblock. The museum Lily: Ooh! I love this exhibit. One time when I was a kid, this room was closed for cleaning, so I snuck under the rope. Everyone: Ooh. Barney: Wow, that's pretty cool. When I was a kid, I knocked down the blue whale. Marshall: Okay, the giant blue whale hanging from the ceiling? Barney: I was six. My uncle Jerry brought me here for the day. He said, "Don't touch anything". To a kid. That's like someone telling us "Don't look at that girl's perky and impossibly symmetrical knockers." Everyone: Ooh. Robin: Not bad. Barney: So, naturally, I snapped the rib off a triceratops, blahbity-blahbity-blue, I knocked down the whale. I'm surprised security didn't stop me on the way in. Robin: Well, I'm sure they don't remember. I mean, it's been like 30 years since that completely made-up story didn't happen. Barney: It happened. And these people don't forget. This is not the Natural Stuff That Happened No More Than Five Minutes Ago Museum. Huh? (Arthur comes over, with another man) Arthur: Marshall, Barney, there you are. I want you to meet an old friend of mine from Exeter, George Van Smoot. George: But you can, and should, call me The Captain. Marshall: The Captain? Barney: The Captain? Arthur: Back in school we met during a production of Guys and Dolls. The Captain was Nathan Detroit to my assistant stage manager. Marshall and Barney here, are the future of Goliath National Bank. George: Well, ahoy. Barney: Ahoy. Marshall: Ahoy, The Captain. Arthur: The Captain pretty much paid for this entire shindig. George: Please, enjoy yourselves, have fun, but don't touch anything. Marshall: Thank you, The Captain. Barney: Challenge accepted. Lily: Wow. "The future of Goliath National Bank"? Marshall: I know, it's so, uh... You know, I totally forgot to tell you, but, um, the other day, Arthur offered me a five-year contract. Lily: Oh, well, don't turn him down here in public. I broke up with Scooter at the prom. Right before the picture, too. Lily: So whatever you do, don't tell him here tonight, 'cause... Marshall: I think I'm going to say yes. (Barney slightly touches a statue) Barney: Ah, that's the stuff. [OPENING CREDITS] Robin: I didn't realize you were small potatoes. And to be clear, I am referring to your testicles. (Robin touches the same statue from head to arm) Barney: Impressive. Try this on for size. (He raises the statue's belt and shakes it) Robin: You want to dance? Let's dance. (Robin lays a hand on the statue, Barneys does the same) Barney: I live for the dance. Robin: Get... your other hand... off my ass. Barney: Sorry, sorry. Lily: What do you mean, you're going to say yes? Marshall: I-I want to keep working at GNB. Lily: But I thought that you... Ted: Guys, guys, guys? Architecture fun fact: If you stand right here, and you whisper, a person all the way across the other end of the room hears it like you're standing right next to them. It's one of the most sophisticated pieces of acoustical design in the world. Watch. (whispers): Diarrhea. Right? Right? Lily: But a five-year contract. I thought you hated GNB. Marshall: Look, I don't hate all of it. Tonight's fun. Take a look around. I mean, this is pretty high-class. Ted, whispering: Poo-poo. Poo-poo platter. (Ted spots Zoey in the crowd) Ted: Zoey? Well, well, well. Zoey: You have got to be kidding me. Ted: So, what are we protesting tonight? Rising cost of jet fuel? The government's oppressive top hat and monocle tax? Zoey: And what are you doing here? Oh, right. Beautiful old building... you're here to knock it down. Can I finish my drink first? George: Darling, there you are. Zoey: Ted, this is my husband. Ted: Yeah, old stuff's great. (Barney and Robin still have their hand onto the statue, Barney is trying to catch her glass) Robin: Mmm. Ah, this Scotch is good. How's your drink? Barney: This is ridiculous. We are two grown adults standing among the greatest collection of natural artifacts in the Western hemisphere, and look at what we're doing. Robin: You're right. Barney: Want to go touch a bunch of stuff? Robin: Yeah, I do. Ted: So, Captain. How'd you get that name, anyway? George: Gave it to myself. A real man chooses his own name. Ted: Well, pleased to meet you, Captain. I'm Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville. Zoey: This is Ted. George: Capital. Honey, I may cut out early. I have to go check up on the boat. Ted: The boat? There's a boat? You must tell me about this boat, Captain. George: Well, she's an 85-foot sloop. Ted: She! George: Do you like boats? Does the sea call to you like it calls to me? Ted: Yes. The sea is all like, "Ted, come hang out." George: I like Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville. You're coming on the boat sometime. Stepping off. Ted: Man, I wish me and my dad were as close as you guys are. Zoey: Oh. You want to make this personal? Okay. Destroy Ted Mosby. Now it's personal. Ted: No, if I wanted to make it personal, I'd call you a bored little trophy wife who likes to play activist when the shops on 5th Avenue are closed. Zoey: You're going down. Ted: Down where? To the yacht club? Oh! I would love to. W-w-wait. I'm half Jewish, will that be a problem? Lily: So what about becoming an environmental lawyer? What about saving the world? Ted, whispering: Wieners. Marshall: That was a great dream. But we have a mortgage, and we're trying to have kids. We're grown-ups now, Lily. Ted: Wieners and gonads. Lily: What would College You say if he heard what you were saying right now? Marshall: Honestly? Probably something pretentious, and pseudo-intellectual, like... Ted: Boogers. Marshall: We all change, Lily. You know, you don't spell "women" with a "Y" anymore. And I'm okay with that. And you need to be okay with the fact that I may never become an environmental lawyer. Lily: So how long have you felt this way? Marshall: Honestly? Since my first day at GNB. Ted: Hershey squirts. (Robin joins Barney who was going to touch a wall) Robin: Hey. How do you like my date's tux? Ooh! Uh, a-thank you! Oh, none for him. He's stuffed. Ted: Oh! Zoey! There you are. Oh, my God. You have a monocle. Is this real? Is this really happening? Zoey: Can you excuse us for a moment? Let's go for a walk. Ted: Good luck killing James Bond. (Zoey takes Ted away) Are we allowed in here? Zoey: What do you want from me? Ted: I want my crossword day back. Okay? Go live your perfect little life, and leave me the hell alone. Zoey: My life isn't perfect. Ted: Oh, please, what's your biggest problem? Having to sail back to the marina because the Captain's all out of white Zin? Oh. Great. Now you're crying. Like that's going to get my sympathy. Ted from 2030: It did. Lily: You've known about this for two and a half years? So every time you've talked about wanting to be an environmental lawyer since then, that was a lie. Marshall: Technically, I never lied. You asked me questions, and I responded with made-up words. Lily: What? [FLASHBACK] Lily: So, you'll probably quit GNB in a couple years, right? Marshall: Affirmatootly. Lily: And become an environmental lawyer? Marshall: Yepskerdoodles. Lily: Hey, by the way, do you like this scarf? Marshall: Posititochadochmecochepopocha. [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: Lawyered. Lily: Okay, that's also a made-up word. Marshall: Okay. Lily, what do you want from me? I want you to be the person I fell in love with. (Robin has a fur on her back and a javelin; Barney, dressed up as a Pharao, scares her) Barney: Niled it. Museum guard: Excuse me. Barney: Thank God you're here. She's been messing with the exhibits. Zoey: I got married when I was 22 to a man who calls himself The Captain. Ted: He seems like a good guy. He wears those red pants. Zoey: I hate boats, Ted. I do, I hate 'em. I can't be on them. I can't be near them. I can't even think about them without getting seasick. You want to know why I want to save that building? Because when I look up at The Arcadian, I see something big and solid, and right now everything else in my life just feels like I'm on a boat. I know it's crazy to care that much about a building. Ted: It's not crazy at all. I'm the same way. Look, Zoey, The Arcadian should be a landmark, it should. The lion head stonework is iconic. I hate that we have to tear it down. I hate working for GNB. They're a bunch of wieners and gonads. Zoey: Ted, that was... really easy. Ted: What? (Zoey puts out a recorder) Ted's voice (on a recording): They're a bunch of wieners and gonads. Zoey: This should be useful. Ted from 2030: And in that moment, another headline appeared before my eyes. Ted: You tricked me. Zoey: Well, it the bug room, Ted. Your ass just got bugged. Oh, the offer still stands. We simply must have you out on the boat sometime. [SCENE_BREAK] Barney and Robin are in the guard's office Guard: Well, aren't you two clever. Well, guess what, this museum has seen every kind of prank you can think of. Mummies playing poker, penguins sticking out of volcanoes, dinosaurs from the Cretaceous period hanging out with dinosaurs from the Jurassic period. One time a kid knocked down the blue whale. You name it... Robin: I'm sorry. Did you say someone knocked down the blue whale? Guard: Oh no, not just someone. A six-year-old. Barney: Oh, yeah, that story is legend... (phone ringing) Hold on....dary. And, um, would you happen to know what that young man's name was? Guard: No. But I could, uh, check the files. Barney: Thank you. George: Now, Arthur, your turn. I just sang three songs. Now you-you do your part from Guys and Dolls. Arthur: Take your seats, everyone. The show's about to start. Douche. (George spots Ted alone in a corner) George: So I hear my wife got you pretty good. Ted: She caught me on tape trashing GNB. George: Oh, that damn recorder. Try being married to that. "But you said you'd get the corgis neutered this weekend." "I said no such thing." "Oh, yeah?" Click. You're a good guy, Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville. Tell you what, when Zoey goes to sleep, I'll find that tape and erase it for you. No hard feelings. Ted: Really? You'd do that to your own wife? George: Sure. Why not? I mean, I'm glad she has these little causes, they keep her out of troubles, but when she throws a temper tantrum and it gets in the way of someone doing their job, that's a problem. Ted: No, you know what? Don't erase the tape. And for what it's worth, I don't think she's throwing temper tantrums. I just think she's, you know, standing up for what she believes in. I respect that. George: Hey, what about this? I'll take you out on the boat sometime. You've got to see this boat. She's breathtaking. Ted from 2030: Kids, there's an amazing architectural phenomenon in the Natural History Museum. If you stand in the right spot, you can hear an entire conversation all the way across the room. The guard's office Guard: July 23, 1981, incident report. At approximately 1000 hours,...vandal dislodged rib from triceratops skeleton...and flung said rib at giant whale. Causing said giant whale to fall in a downward trajectory. And the vandal's name... Well, I'll be damned... Barney Stinson. Barney: Who's the master, Leroy? Guard: Stinson was reprimanded and returned to the custody of his father, Jerome Whittaker. Barney: Uh, no, uncle. Jerome Whittaker is my uncle. Guard: Uncle Jerry. Says father. Even signed it and checked the box for father and everything. Barney: Jerry's my uncle. College Marshall: Lily? Honey, what's wrong? You okay? Do you want a hit of this sandwich? Lily: I want you. College Marshall: Awesome. Let me just put a sock on the doorknob. Lily:No. I mean, I want you as opposed to who you've become. You've changed so much. College Marshall: What? How have I changed? Did I cheat on you? Lily: No. College Marshall: Did I stop writing poems for you? Lily: Yes, but I'm okay with that. College Marshall: Am I not as good at making the sweet, sweet love to you? Lily: Actually, you're way better now. You last, like, two, three times as long. College Marshall: You said that any longer would be too much. Lily: It's okay. College Lily thinks those are orgasms. No, it's... it's none of that. It's just this new Marshall... Corporate Marshall... he wears suits all the time. He doesn't care about saving the world. He's not you. I want you back. College Marshall: Well, you can't have me. Look at the sign. I'm extinct. I've gone the way of Jane's Addiction. Lily: Actually, Jane's Addiction got back together. College Marshall: They did? Lily: Yeah, they've done a few tours, they put out a new album. College Marshall: Are you serious?! That is awesome! Are they just as good? Lily: Sure. College Marshall: Look, I know that Corporate Marshall wears a tie and everything, but it sounds like he hasn't changed where it counts. (The Marshall from today arrives) Marshall: Hey. Lily: Hi. Marshall: Look, Lily, I know that you would have been okay if we were poor and I was trying to save the world, but will you still be okay if I make a lot of money and I spend all of it spoiling you and our kids? Lily: We'll make it work. (Lily and Marshall leave the museum) College Marshall: There he goes. The Marathon Man. Mr. Stamina himself. I can kiss better than that old man. (Robin and Barney are sitting at a table) Robin: So when was the last time you saw him? Barney: It was that day... July 23, 1981. My mom got pretty mad that he let me destroy a New York City landmark. Robin: Moms. Barney: He never came around anymore after that. Think he moved away. Robin: Well, maybe the security guy had it wrong. You never know... Barney: But you do know, you do know. That's the thing. You know. He's my dad. Robin: Barney, do you want...? Barney: I don't want to do anything. Don't tell anyone about this, okay? Ted: I'm serious. It's a great look. I think it could come back, but one question. Does it cost half as much as glasses? Zoey: Can I steal you for a second? You don't need to worry. I... What are you doing? Ted: Oh, I thought we were... Zoey: Fine. I erased the tape. Ted: What? Zoey: I don't need it. I'm going to beat you fair and square. Ted: Thanks. Zoey: But it's good to know how easily you can be manipulated by a woman. Ted: You look gross when you cry, you know that? Some women look cute. You look like a basset hound. Zoey: Oh, laugh it up now. Because starting Monday, I got you in my crosshairs. Ted: Bring it on, Princess. (Marshall is in his office when Arthur enters) Arthur: Eriksen... It's, uh, 3:00 a.m. You know what, you might as well not even go home. Ted from 2030: And so Marshall stayed right on at Goliath National Bank. Of course, it wouldn't last forever. But that's another story.

Plan: A: the gang; Q: Who goes to the black-tie event? A: a black-tie event; Q: What kind of event do the gang attend at the Natural History Museum? A: Zoey's husband; Q: Who is The Captain? A: Robin; Q: Who does Barney dare to touch all of the exhibits? Summary: When the gang goes to a black-tie event at the Natural History Museum, Ted gets introduced to Zoey's husband, The Captain. Barney and Robin dare each other to break the laws of the museum by touching all of the exhibits.

GLYN JONES 6:00pm - 6:25pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. CELL (A new image appears on the monitor - that of the DOCTOR in the display case. LOBOS sees this.) LOBOS: Yes Doctor, I see you take my meaning. (He presses a control.) Guards. (Two MOROK GUARDS step into the cell.) LOBOS: Take him to the preparation room. (The GUARDS activate a control in the chair, the arms withdraw and they lift a nervous looking DOCTOR to his feet.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (The TARDIS stands just outside the museum with two MOROKS on guard. Four XERONS approach the ship with interest. One of them gets too close and a GUARD steps in front of him.) MOROK GUARD: (Condescendingly, as if to a child.) Leave it alone. (The XERONS step back a little but continue to be fascinated by the new object.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. MUSEUM. ENTRANCE PASSAGE (IAN, BARBARA and VICKI observe this through a narrow gap in the museum's doors.) IAN: (Whispers.) It didn't take them long to find it. BARBARA: (Whispers.) Well, I hope they didn't do any damage. IAN: (Whispers.) Well, there's nothing they can do. Unless they get inside. VICKI: (Whispers.) Are they bringing it in here? (IAN looks through the gap.) IAN: (Whispers.) No, it doesn't look like it. Take a look for yourself Vicki. (VICKI takes his place.) IAN: (Whispers.) Ahh, well, what do we do now? Find the Doctor, I suppose. I'm afraid I'm no great expert when it comes to changing the future. VICKI: (Turning back and whispering.) I think one of us should keep watch on the TARDIS. If we want to leave in here in a hurry we don't want to waste time looking for it. BARBARA: (Whispers.) Well, we know where it's going Vicki, we've already seen it. VICKI: (Whispers.) Well if it gets there, we needn't bother. We won't have changed what's going to happen in the future. IAN: (Whispers.) Oh, this whole thing is becoming a nightmare. BARBARA: (Whispers.) It's been a nightmare ever since we saw those cases! But all we do is stand around saying "this whole thing is a nightmare". Why don't we do something? IAN: (Whispers.) Choice is only possible when you know all the facts. Don't you realise we know nothing about this place... BARBARA: (Whispers.) Shh! Listen! (They rush back to the gap in the doors and look outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (A burly MOROK COMMANDER appears on the scene and shouts at the XERONS.) MOROK COMMANDER: Keep clear! Now move! Move! (Watching to make sure the XERONS have gone, the MOROK COMMANDER turns to the GUARDS who have saluted his arrival. He gestures to the TARDIS.) MOROK COMMANDER: Is there no way in? MOROK GUARD: No Commander. MOROK COMMANDER: (Cynically.) That's all I need. You know what Lobos will say about that, soldier. He will blame me. Everything that goes wrong on this wretched planet is my fault! Think yourselves lucky that you have me...between you and our illustrious Governor. A scapegoat - and for what? For this...rank and a meagre pittance of extra pay. (He hits the side of the TARDIS in frustration.) MOROK COMMANDER: Oh, what's the use? (LOBOS walks up. The MOROKS salute him. LOBOS examines the outside of the TARDIS.) LOBOS: A strange looking craft. It must be very cramped and uncomfortable for four travellers inside at one time. MOROK COMMANDER: Yes. (LOBOS tries the door.) LOBOS: This door is locked. MOROK COMMANDER: We could not gain entry sir. LOBOS: (Sarcastically.) Didn't they leave you the key? (Angrily.) Force it open, you fool! (The MOROK COMMANDER turns on two other MOROK GUARDS who have arrived with LOBOS.) MOROK COMMANDER: Why was not the cutting equipment bought to me? I asked you bring it several times, didn't I, soldier? (The MOROK GUARD tries to speak but is interrupted.) MOROK COMMANDER: Now don't you give me any of your feeble excuses. I will...deal with you later. Get it! (The GUARD salutes and hurries off.) MOROK COMMANDER: Incompetent fools... (The COMMANDER turns back to LOBOS.) MOROK COMMANDER: Have any of the aliens been caught, sir? LOBOS: One has... [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. MUSEUM. ENTRANCE PASSAGE (The time travellers are still listening into the conversation.) LOBOS: (OOV: Outside doors.) Three are still at large. IAN: (Whispers.) Did you hear that? BARBARA: (Whispers.) Yes. Shh! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE MOROK COMMANDER: They could be in a thousand places. LOBOS: Then I expect a thousand places to be searched! When this is over, discipline will be tightened. The army here's gone soft. I'm supposed to have at my command trained soldiers - not a feeble bunch of half witted amateurs. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. MUSEUM. ENTRANCE PASSAGE (There is a moment of silence, then...) BARBARA: (Whispers.) He's stopped talking. VICKI: (Whispers.) Maybe they've gone. IAN: (Whispers.) No. (Behind them in the corridor, a half-asleep MOROK GUARD rounds a corner and sees the three fugitives. He takes his gun out of his holster and approaches them.) MOROK GUARD: Stay as you are! (The three jump in shock and turn from the doors.) MOROK GUARD: (To VICKI.) You! You with the gun - bring it to me! (IAN instinctively holds VICKI'S arm but lets it go when he sees that they have no choice.) MOROK GUARD: Now careful. (VICKI steps forward and the GUARD takes the exhibit gun from her with his free hand. BARBARA and IAN make a start for the entrance doors.) MOROK GUARD: Don't move! (They stop. VICKI steps back to join them. IAN moves towards the GUARD.) BARBARA: Don't! He'll fire that thing. (IAN turns back to her and they talk quietly.) IAN: Well? Wouldn't that change the shape of things to come? BARBARA: Well it would for you - you'd be dead. IAN: They can't kill us! We're going to end up in those cases. BARBARA: Not necessarily. Oh, you can change the future so that we don't end up in those cases, but if we're all dead, what's the point? IAN: But that means we can't fight against anybody. We don't know what we're doing! VICKI: We've just lost the Doctor. Has that already changed the future? BARBARA: We don't know Vicki. Maybe that's the way it happened. We've no reason to suppose that we all ended up in the cases at exactly the same time. VICKI: So we could be doing exactly what we're supposed to do?! IAN: I've had enough of this. Now listen, we're going to deal with him, and then we're going after the Doctor, whether we're supposed to or not. MOROK GUARD: That's enough talking! Come on - move out, slowly. BARBARA: (Whispers.) Be careful! IAN: (Whispers.) Don't worry! I'm going to try something. MOROK GUARD: I said move out. IAN: (Stepping slowly forward.) Yes, we heard you the first time, but we don't feel like moving, do we? VICKI: (Stepping forward.) No, definitely not! BARBARA: (Pulling her back.) Ian, don't go too far! (IAN starts approaching the GUARD who slowly steps backwards.) IAN: Now what were you orders? To capture us? To bring us in? MOROK GUARD: Yes, get back! Back! IAN: There was nothing about killing us, was there? Well? Was there? Well, answer me? MOROK GUARD: No...no...no, there wasn't. IAN: Well, think what your superiors are going to say. They're going to ask "did you bring in the aliens?", "No" you're going to reply "I went out and shot them all". (IAN turns to look at BARBARA and VICKI but suddenly whirls round grabbing the GUARD and his gun.) IAN: Now run! Both of you! (BARBARA and VICKI run for the doors and start to try pulling them apart.) VICKI: Ian! Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (LOBOS, the MOROK COMMANDER and the GUARDS outside hear the commotion and also rush for the doors. A shout from VICKI can be heard from the other side of the doors.) LOBOS: Open those doors! Open them! [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. MUSEUM. ENTRANCE PASSAGE (The MOROKS open the doors and rush in. VICKI has joined IAN in struggling with the GUARD.) IAN: Vicki! (VICKI and BARBARA rush in different directions into the museum.) LOBOS: Get after those women! MOROK COMMANDER: Guards! With me! (The COMMANDER and some of the GUARDS begin the pursuit. One of the GUARDS has joined his companion in trying to subdue IAN. LOBOS walks up to them.) LOBOS: Take him to my office. Wait for me there. (He walks off to join the other MOROKS.) LOBOS: Guards! Guards! (The other two GUARDS drag a struggling IAN outside...) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (...where he manages to throw them to the ground. He quickly steps on one GUARD'S hand before he can grab his fallen gun and follows it up with a solid punch after the GUARD has struggled to his feet. The second GUARD attacks IAN but is quickly thrown off. The first GUARD attacks him again. The second one picks up his gun and is about to club IAN with it. However, IAN swings the first GUARD round and he receives the blow instead. IAN then knees the second GUARD and chops him on the neck. He runs off leaving his two unconscious attackers on the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. MUSEUM. STOREROOM (BARBARA runs into a darkened storeroom. She look through the sliding door into the corridor.) BARBARA: Vicki! (Getting no answer, she walks into the storeroom and stops with a shock when she sees a figure in front of her. But it is only a disused display mannequin. She hears running footsteps in the corridor and runs back to the door which she slides shut.) MOROK COMMANDER: (OOV: in corridor.) One of them came this way! (BARBARA rushes and hides behind a couple of large boxes. The door opens and a MOROK GUARD enters the room. He checks the room but fails to see BARBARA as she edges further round the boxes. The GUARD finishes the search and goes to the MOROK COMMANDER who stands just outside the doorway.) MOROK GUARD: No sir. MOROK COMMANDER: Come, come. (The GUARD leaves, sliding the door shut behind him. BARBARA comes out of hiding and after a second tries the door - it is firmly locked.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. MUSEUM. CORRIDOR (An exhausted VICKI stops in a corridor to rest. She backs against another of the sliding doors and she checks down the corridor. She is grabbed from behind and pulled into the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. MUSEUM. ROOM (It is the Xerons. She struggles with TOR and SITA as DAKO shuts the door.) VICKI: Let me go! Let go of me! TOR: Look, you've got to trust us! VICKI: (Stopping her struggle.) Why should I?! TOR: We hate the Moroks. We want to see them dead! Well, you can see we're nothing like them. (VICKI looks at the youths and sees the difference between them and their pursuers.) VICKI: Who are you? TOR: Well, we'll explain everything later. First of all, we must find your companions. VICKI: (Realising.) It was you who took the Doctor - like you took me. The old man who was with us... TOR: Well, yes but... (VICKI makes a run for the door. SITA pulls her back.) TOR: We did but he fooled us. Then the Moroks caught him. Oh, we didn't hand him over to them if that's what you're thinking. Now where are the others? (VICKI pauses, then...) VICKI: I think they caught Ian. TOR: The man? What of the woman? VICKI: Oh, we ran so quickly, we went in opposite directions. I couldn't turn back when I realised because the guards were already behind me. TOR: She must be making for the storerooms. We'll have to wait at the headquarters. Dako? DAKO: Yes? TOR: Go and see if you can find her and bring her there. (To VICKI.) What's her name? VICKI: Barbara. TOR: Go quickly! (DAKO rushes out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (LOBOS and the MOROK COMMANDER walk out of the museum and find the still groggy GUARDS who fought with IAN are now on their feet.) LOBOS: You fools! You let them escape! FIRST MOROK GUARD: Yes sir. LOBOS: Well there are other ways of getting them out. Withdraw our men from this building. Have all exits guarded and have this rest search this area for the one these fools allowed to escape. FIRST MOROK GUARD: Sir. LOBOS: (To the SECOND MOROK GUARD.) You remain here. (LOBOS and the COMMANDER stride off away from the museum. The FIRST GUARD picks up his gun and goes into the museum to carry out the Governor's order. IAN emerges from behind the TARDIS. He sees the SECOND GUARD on duty. He picks up a small rock and throws it over the ship. The GUARD hears the noise.) SECOND MOROK GUARD: Who's there? (He takes out his gun and starts to edge round the other side of the ship from IAN. As he does so, IAN jumps on him, grabbing his arm and smashing it against the side of the TARDIS. He grapples him to the ground and manages to grab the GUARDS gun, pointing it at him.) SECOND MOROK GUARD: (Scared.) Ah...ah...don't kill me! Don't...! IAN: That depends on you. I want the answers to some questions. SECOND MOROK GUARD: Uh, if I can help you, I will! I promise! IAN: I've a friend of mine - an old man. He's been captured. Now what's happened to him? SECOND MOROK GUARD: I don't know! I don't know! IAN: Is he dead? SECOND MOROK GUARD: No! No! IAN: Where is he? MOROK GUARD: They...they took him to the preparation room, but...it's nothing to do with me! I'm just a simple soldier! IAN: What happens there? (The GUARD is silent.) IAN: I said what happens there? SECOND MOROK GUARD: He'll be got ready for the museum. But you can't help him. Once the process starts... IAN: (Interrupting.) What process? SECOND MOROK GUARD: Well, it's...it's a kind of embalmment. IAN: How long's it take? SECOND MOROK GUARD: Well, several hours, but... IAN: Take me there. SECOND MOROK GUARD: Well, you'll be killed. IAN: (Pushing him.) Take me! SECOND MOROK GUARD: (Getting up.) We...we...we'll both be killed! (They set off, IAN pushing the GUARD forward at gunpoint.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (LOBOS and the MOROK COMMANDER enter the Governor's office. LOBOS sits at his desk and reads a piece of paper that he sees on the desk.) LOBOS: A directive from Morok. They think we made a mistake in allowing the Xeron youth to live. They are almost men and dangerous. These aliens - they've made fools of us! (He switches on the communicator.) LOBOS: ... 6-2? The ventilation is standard. MOROK GUARD: (OOV: over tannoy.) Yes sir. LOBOS: Good, it won't take the guards long to withdraw. In one hour the air is to be re...re, replaced with g...Zaphra gas, is that clear? MOROK GUARD: (OOV: over tannoy.) Perfectly. LOBOS: Then see that my order is carried out! (He switches off the communicator.) MOROK COMMANDER: Zaphra gas...? LOBOS: It is very effective. If the two women do not leave the building and surrender to the guards, the gas will eventually paralyse them. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. MUSEUM. STOREROOM (BARBARA is trying to lever open the door with a piece of wood. It doesn't work and she gives up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. MUSEUM. STOREROOM (LATER) (Some time has passed and BARBARA is asleep against the boxes. She hears a noise and wakes up. The door slides open and a Xeron enters the room. He walks past BARBARA as she hides behind the boxes again. She gets to her feet and walks up behind him, raising the stick to strike him down.) DAKO: Barbara? Are you in here? (BARBARA stops in surprise as she hears her name mentioned.) BARBARA: Who are you? How do you know my name? [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (The doors of the museum open and TOR cautiously emerges.) TOR: There's no guard here, hurry! (VICKI and SITA emerge.) VICKI: Can't we wait for Barbara? TOR: Oh no, it's too dangerous. Dako will find her and bring her to the hideout. SITA: (Looking round.) Now, quickly! (They hurry off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. MUSEUM. STOREROOM (A suspicious BARBARA still holds the stick over her head in self-defence.) DAKO: Tor and Sita have taken Vicki to our headquarters. You must believe me - we are your friends. BARBARA: (Harshly.) Why should you be? DAKO: We're Xerons. This is our planet. BARBARA: And the others - the ones in uniform? DAKO: Moroks - they changed our planet into a museum. A record of their wars. But soon we shall rise against them and drive them from Xeros! BARBARA: Moroks? Well, where do they come from? DAKO: Their planet is three light years away. They invaded us without warning. Xeros was a place of peace...and knowledge and the wisdom of our elders made us free from want. BARBARA: (Amazed.) Well why didn't you fight back? DAKO: Their weapons were far superior to ours. We had planned for peace and they for war. Now I want you to come with me. BARBARA: Well...can you get us out of here? DAKO: There are many guards but I'll find a way, come on! (Zaphra gas starts to pour through the sliding door.) BARBARA: Look! DAKO: They've set the museum on fire! (They try to run trough the doors but the gas drives them back, coughing.) BARBARA: That isn't smoke - it's gas! Put something over your mouth! (She pulls a handkerchief out and places it over her mouth. She grabs DAKO'S arm and pulls him into the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. XERON HIDEOUT (VICKI has been having a meal with TOR and DAKO, sat at a table in their hideout...) VICKI: So then what happened - after the Moroks had captured the planet? TOR: They destroyed everything, even our people. Only the children were spared - to work. VICKI: How horrible. TOR: We are a slave race. When we grow older we are taken to other planets. Sita, Dako and myself were due to go. Well that is why we hide here and plan. SITA: But although we have sworn to drive the Moroks from...from Xeros, it will not be easy. The life they impose on us makes organisation difficult. VICKI: But there don't seem to be many Moroks. Surely you must outnumber them? TOR: It is unpleasant to admit but our opposition is weak and unarmed. Well, a very small army can easily keep control. VICKI: But you're supposed to be planning a revolution?! (SITA gets up in anger at VICKI'S harsh comments and storms off to the other side of the room. TOR changes the subject.) TOR: Why did you and your friends comes to Xeros? VICKI: We... (She struggles for an answer and gives up.) VICKI: It was an accident. TOR: Of course, no one would come to Xeros from choice. The Moroks reputation is universal. SITA: It's late. I'm sure Dako and your friend, Barbara, have been captured. TOR: Well, they'll need time to dodge the guards. SITA: All this time. We'd be fooling ourselves to believe otherwise. VICKI: Well you can't just accept it! We've got to help them! Well, sitting here planning and dreaming of a revolution isn't going to win your planet back.. SITA: (Angrily.) We do all we can... VICKI: By making a nuisance of yourselves, that's all it is. TOR: But what can we do without weapons? VICKI: Nothing - we must get some! SITA: Ha! Now who's dreaming? VICKI: The Moroks are armed. SITA: So we take them from the Moroks? VICKI: Why not? That is revolution! TOR: Oh Vicki, we have tried. Occasionally we have overpowered a guard and taken his ray gun. But what can one gun do against even a small army? SITA: And when we do that they take hostages until the gun is returned. VICKI: Where are the guns kept? TOR: Well, at the armoury. VICKI: If you had guns, lots of them, could you organise your friends? Distribute the arms and really wage a war? TOR: Of course! That is where we are strong - in our planning. SITA: But the armoury is out of our reach. VICKI: Don't you know where it is? TOR: Oh, we know, but its key is something that we could never obtain. VICKI: Oh, I don't understand. TOR: The armaments are kept behind locked doors - an impregnable safe. VICKI: What kind of lock does it have? TOR: An electronic brain - programmed to ask questions. The answers given open the door. But they only open to the truth. VICKI: A sort of lie detector. If I could see it, maybe I could...well, I'd just like to see it anyway. TOR: We can take you... SITA: But why are you so interested in this, Vicki? Why do you want this revolution so much? VICKI: I've as many reasons as you. (Thoughtfully.) Perhaps more, for wanting to see the future changed. Perhaps I'll explain later but I think we should go now. (She leads the Xerons away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS (IAN and the MOROK GUARD reach the Morok headquarters, whose external walls are the same as the museum's.) IAN: What's wrong? SECOND MOROK GUARD: This is the building. IAN: Well take me in. SECOND MOROK GUARD: It would be better to wait. It...it's a busy time of day. Later on there won't be so many guards on duty. You'll stand a better chance. IAN: There's someone coming. (He edges around a pillar, still pointing a gun at the GUARD.) IAN: Now find out what happened to the others, and remember, I'm here. (IAN slides out of sight. The MOROK COMMANDER approaches. The GUARD salutes him.) MOROK COMMANDER: Soldier! What are you doing here soldier? Why have you left your post? SECOND MOROK GUARD: (Nervously.) The governor sent for me - I am to report to him. MOROK COMMANDER: You didn't leave it unguarded, did you? SECOND MOROK GUARD: The replacement hadn't arrived... (The MOROK COMMANDER gives an exclamation of anger.) SECOND MOROK GUARD: But the Governor's orders! He said immediately! MOROK COMMANDER: Then why are you waiting? I will attend to your replacement. SECOND MOROK GUARD: Sir? MOROK COMMANDER: What is it now soldier? SECOND MOROK GUARD: Have the...aliens been recaptured? MOROK COMMANDER: Not yet. But the Zaphra gas will soon drive them from their hiding place. (He walks off as the GUARD salutes. IAN comes out of hiding.) IAN: You did well. We'll take your advice and wait a while (Points.) Over there. (They walk off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. ARMOURY (In the armoury, a MOROK GUARD checks a computer bank which stands against a wall. Another smaller computer bank rests in the middle of the floor. The GUARD sits down for a minute, but then gets up as he hears a noise. TOR and SITA rush in from behind. TOR grabs him whilst SITA knocks him out with a punch. VICKI enters.) TOR: Well, this is the armoury Vicki. (VICKI goes over to the closed door to the arms store. On the walls next to it are two sets of photo-electric cells facing each other.) VICKI: These must be the light beams. SITA: Yes. (VICKI looks at the computer bank in the middle of the room.) SITA: Can you do anything? Do you know how it works? VICKI: It must work to a standard pattern. (To SITA.) Break the light beam. TOR: Well, the questions will start! VICKI: (Brightly.) Yes, I know! (SITA walks in front of the photo-electric cells. The computer bank whirrs into life.) COMPUTER VOICE: Do you understand that all questions are to be fully answered? SITA: Yes. COMPUTER VOICE: What is your rank? SITA: I have no rank. TOR: You see Vicki? Not only does the reply have to be true, it has to be the correct answer as well. VICKI: Yes. Sita, break the light beam again but this time don't answer - just let the questions run right through. (SITA walks back. VICKI listens intently to the COMPUTER VOICE.) COMPUTER VOICE: Do you understand that all questions are to be fully answered? (Whirrs.) What is your rank? (Whirrs.) What is your name? (Whirrs.) Do you have the Governors permission to approach? (Whirrs.) Have you a requisition signed by the Governor? (Whirrs.) What is its reference number? TOR: Withdrawal requisition numbers are fed in from headquarters - it has to tally with the number given - there's no chance Vicki! COMPUTER VOICE: Which unit are you attached to? VICKI: Isn't there? I wouldn't give in a easily as that. COMPUTER VOICE: For what purpose are the arms needed? (VICKI points to some tape spools on the side of the computer.) VICKI: Look, now this is where the questions...are recorded. COMPUTER VOICE: Has the guard on duty examined your identification papers? VICKI: Help me get the front off. COMPUTER VOICE: What is the current password? (SITA watches as TOR and VICKI pull a perspex cover off another side of the computer. Behind it are bright lights and workings...) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (LOBOS'S thoughts are preoccupied. He moves to his desk and presses the communicator.) LOBOS: Are the aliens still in the building? MOROK GUARD: (OOV: over tannoy.) Yes sir. We have seen no movement. LOBOS: Very well. Keep the men alerted - they'll soon be coming out. (He switches the communicator off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. MUSEUM. ENTRANCE PASSAGE (BARBARA and DAKO struggle, coughing, through the gas-filled corridor.) BARBARA: We're almost there, Dako! (Behind her, DAKO collapses on the floor. BARBARA rushes to help him.) BARBARA: Dako, come on! Come on! (The gas soon overcomes her and she too collapses.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. ARMOURY (TOR and SITA watch as VICKI manipulates the workings of the computer.) TOR: Have you done it? VICKI: I'm not sure. I...think so. TOR: Well the door hasn't opened. VICKI: You've got to answer the questions yet. TOR: Well then you've failed! The lock reacts only to the truth. (VICKI closes the perspex cover.) VICKI: And it still does Tor. You'll see. (VICKI steps in front of the light beam. The computer whirrs, then...) COMPUTER VOICE: What is your name? VICKI: Vicki. COMPUTER VOICE: For what purpose are the arms needed? VICKI: (Smiling.) Revolution! (Behind her, the door to the arms store slides open. SITA rushes in and starts going through the drawers of weapons as TOR runs to congratulate VICKI.) TOR: Oh, well done Vicki! VICKI: I fixed it so that I only had to answer the truth. I didn't have to give the correct reply. (SITA runs out with some small arms which he passes to TOR.) SITA: There's everything we need here and more! We'll be able to arm everybody! TOR: Oh good! Get as many as you can carry and give them to Sham for distribution. I'll give mine to the ... and bring them back here for more. VICKI: (To herself.) I wonder if this will keep us out of the cases? [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (LOBOS is writing at his desk as there is a knock on his door.) LOBOS: Come in. (The MOROK GUARD enters with IAN. He points to the GUARD to stand behind LOBOS as he stands before him, quickly putting the gun behind his back before the Governor looks up.) LOBOS: Well - at last. (He gets up and walks over to IAN.) LOBOS: You aliens have caused me enough trouble. I shall see that you pay for it. (He walks back to his desk and turns round to see that IAN is now holding the gun up to him.) LOBOS: You'll be a fool if you kill me. You will achieve nothing. IAN: Possibly, but it might be enjoyable. (IAN walks over to him as LOBOS sits at his desk.) LOBOS: What do you want? IAN: Take me to the Doctor. The old man you captured. LOBOS: And I refuse? IAN: I don't think you'll be that stupid. LOBOS: You'll kill me anyway... IAN: You're wasting time. LOBOS: Am I? It is too late for you to help him. He has already passed into the second stage of preparation. IAN: And what does that mean? LOBOS: He is beyond your help. IAN: Come on! Take me to him! Move! (LOBOS gets up and he and the GUARD walk over to the over side of the office.) IAN: Hurry. LOBOS: Hurrying won't help your friend, the Doctor. (They arrive at a sliding door.) IAN: Is he in there? LOBOS: Yes. IAN: (To the GUARD.) Open the door. (LOBOS nods to the GUARD who does as instructed.) IAN: Now get in, both of you. [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. PREPARATION ROOM (LOBOS and the GUARD enter the room which is filled with a whirring noise. IAN follows but stops, his eyes wide open in horror at what he sees within the room...) IAN: (Shocked.) Doctor!

Plan: A: a time track; Q: What does the TARDIS jump? A: the planet Xeros; Q: Where do the travelers arrive? A: their own future selves; Q: Who do the travelers discover in the museum? A: exhibits; Q: What are the Doctor and his companions displayed as in the museum? A: the warlike Morok invaders; Q: Who rules the planet Xeros? A: Vicki; Q: Who helps the Xerons revolt against the Moroks? A: Xerons; Q: What is the name of the native people of Xeros? A: arms; Q: What does Vicki help the Xerons obtain? A: their way; Q: The travelers go on ________. Summary: The TARDIS jumps a time track and the travellers arrive on the planet Xeros. There they discover their own future selves displayed as exhibits in a museum established as a monument to the galactic conquests of the warlike Morok invaders who now rule the planet. When time shifts back to normal, they realise that they must do everything they can to avert this potential future. Vicki helps the native Xerons obtain arms and revolt against the Moroks. The revolution succeeds and the travellers go on their way, confident that the future has been changed.

Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun Story by: Andrew Reich and Ted Cohen [Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is getting a petticure.] Chandler: You said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here! Rachel: Chandler, there's a guy right over there. (Points to the counter) Chandler: That's a mailman! That's our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya? Rachel: Chandler, don't worry! This doesn't make you less of a guy! (Chandler starts blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That does! (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off. Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that? Rachel: Hmm. Woman: OH...MY...GAWD!! (Yep, you guessed it. It's Janice.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.] Monica: Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do? Joey: Ohh, Nothing. Monica: Didn't it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did? Joey: I know what it did! Nothing. Monica: They wouldn't have put it there if it didn't do something! How can you not care? Joey: Like this. (Shrugs) Rachel: Well, here's another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does? Joey: Sure! It flushes it. Rachel: Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it? Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello! Joey: Hey! (Sees Janice.) Ah!! (Janice screams in surprise.) Rachel: Guess who we ran into today?! Monica: Janice?! Chandler: Isn't this amazing? Monica: How have you been? Janice: Oh well, I'm divorced. Phoebe: Ohhh, wow. Janice: Yeah, I'm riding the alimony pony. (Does the now famous laugh.) Joey: And there it is. Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! (to Chandler) And you, sweetie, I'll see you tonight. Chandler: Okay. Bye. Janice: Bye. Chandler: Bye. Janice: Bye. Chandler: Bye. Janice: Bye. Chandler: B-bye! Janice: Bye-bye. Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After it's closed) I can't stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.) Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her! Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality-Well, they're all back! Y'know? And she's picked up like nine new ones! Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There's people here! Chandler: Don't worry about it. I'm taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.) Rachel: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her. Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I don't have to break up with her this time. We're not involved! I'm going to do a pre-emptive strike! I'm going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.) Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around and then back at Joey.) I'm tellin' ya! [Scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking home from a date.] Emily: I can't believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York. Ross: No, it's really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly safe. (At that moment two very large men start screaming and running towards Emily and picking her up.) Ross: Help! Help!! Help! Help!! Emily: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. (Introducing them) Liam, Devon, this is Ross. Devon: Hey, mate. Liam: How are ya man? Ross: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? (Imitating himself) Help! Help! Emily: So how are you? I've been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, I've been rather busy. Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen each other since the night of that U2 concert? Emily: Oh my God. I think you're right. Liam: (puts his arm around her) Well, actually the last time you and I saw each other was that morning. Emily: Oh, Liam. (Ross laughs and takes her back.) Ross: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something-or should I call it (In an English accent) football? Devon: We were playing rugby. Liam: In fact we're playing a game at the park tomorrow. You're welcome to play too if you want. Emily: (laughs) Ross play rugby? I don't think so. Ross: What's ah, what's so funny about that? Emily: Well I mean, you're American to start with. You don't even have rugby here. Ross: Well, we didn't have freedom here until 1776, either so... Devon: So good then! We'll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers! Liam: Cheers! Ross: Cheers! (Liam and Devon both take a swig of their beers, while Ross takes a swig of his coffee. The Brits both crush their cans, and not to be out done, Ross crushes his coffee cup, spilling its contents.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.] Janice: Oh boy, I just love to sing! Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River. Janice: Oh, look at us! Who would've thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails. (Does the laugh) Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. I'm just getting out of a very serious relationship... Janice: I know! And I'm just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be! Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon. Janice: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time. Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas! Janice: Oh no! Where to? (Gasps) Too Paris? Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris. Janice:Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona? Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. That's right, yes, I'm being transferred to Yemen! Janice: When? Chandler: I don't know exactly. Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes. Chandler: But I do know that it's some time tomorrow. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a bunch of electronics.] Monica: Done? Phoebe: Yep! Rachel: (entering, with Joey) Hey! Joey: Hey! What's up? Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don't work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is. Joey: (to Rachel) I bet I stopped listening before you did. Rachel: Y'know, you-you also could've used uh, lamps and then followed the light. Monica: Yeah, well, I'm using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. (She flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I hear something! I hear something! Where is it? (They all start looking until Rachel realises it's Joey.) Rachel: It's coming from Joey! Phoebe: Oh my God, that's so freaky! Turn him off!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining. Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. I'm watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I don't know what the big deal is. I'm man enough to play this sport. Joey: Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport. Janice: (entering) Hey there Ross! Ross: (shocked) Hey! Phoebe: (whispering to Ross) Janice. Chandler: Y'know uh, you didn't really have to help me pack. Janice: Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didn't really leave me much choice. Did you? Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not! Joey: Hey-hey, what's going on? Chandler: Oh, I'm packing. Y'know I'm-I'm packing 'cause I'm moving to Yemen tomorrow. Joey: Thanks for telling me! (Janice runs into the bedroom.) Chandler: I'm only going to pretend I'm moving to Yemen, it's the only way I can get rid off her. Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country. Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler! Come on, I'm gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. It's a real space saver. Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I do that 'cause it makes me look taller. Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on! Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me! Joey: Nope. (To Ross) Man look at this! Ross, I can't believe you said you'd play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is! Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right? Rachel: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad. Ross: That's 'cause-'cause you're mom's dog kept-kept looking at me. Joey: (pointing to the TV) Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. That's called a scrum, okay? It's kinda like a huddle. Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle? Joey: Ross! (Laughs) They're gonna kill you! Phoebe: Well, why are you doing this anyway? Ross: Well, you should've seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he's like Joe Rugby. Phoebe: You're kidding! And he plays rugby?! That's so funny. (Realises) Ohh! I see how you did that. All right. Ross: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So I'm gonna show her how tough I really am! Rachel: (starts laughing, Ross stares at her) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right, you are a tough guy. You're the toughest palaeontologist I know. Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! It's not like he's...Chandler! Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks! Ross: Look, don't worry about me. Okay? I'll just stay real energetic and stay away from the ball. I'll uh, I'll be that guy right out of the circle. (He points to a player who starts running and then gets viscously tackled from behind.) All: Oh! Rachel: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin' at him. (Ross turns and wants to attack Rachel, but Joey stops him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came to support Ross.] Joey: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy (Points), and that guy (Points). And that one-Dude! They're all huge! Ross: They don't look any bigger than me! Joey: Well, maybe that's because you're closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are. Emily: I'm just going to say hi to the lads. All right? Ross: All right. Emily: Okay. (Goes to say hi to the lads.) (A player comes over and picks up a ball in front of Phoebe.) Phoebe: (to the player) Hi. (The player stands up and smiles. Showing that he has no front teeth.) Phoebe: Whoa! (The player leaves and to Joey) I kinda liked it. (The referee blows the whistle and the players gather to start the game.) Ross: Okay, I know what I have to do. I've got to go Red Ross. (Joey and Phoebe don't know what he's talking about.) Y'know, Red Ross! Joey: I totally don't know what you're talking about. Ross: Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!! Joey: No. Ross: You'll see. [Cut to Emily, Devon, and Liam] Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, it's his first time. Liam: You don't say! (We see Ross who is hopping about with the ball and spikes it in his face.) Emily: (to Ross) Good luck, babe. (The scrum forms and the game is underway.) Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! (Ross gets pumped up.) Ross! Come on! (Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit looking for a way to get into the scrum.) Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in! (Ross, urged on by his team-mates, jumps on top of the scrum and falls headfirst into the middle, leaving his feet sticking straight up.) Ross: JOEY!!!!!! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is going over some plans as Rachel enters.] Rachel: You...are...not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened? Monica: He asked you out?! Rachel: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse. Monica: Saucy! Rachel: (refers to the table) What are these? Monica: Electrical plans for the building. Rachel: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared? Monica: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours. Rachel: Wow! If only more people knew. [Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.] Chandler: Y'know you, really didn't have to take me to the airport. Janice: Oh please. Every moment is precious. Y'know? Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don't really seem to care too much that you're leaving. Chandler: Well, we're really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then. Janice: On no! No! It's not good-bye, I'm not leaving until you get on that plane. Chandler: Okay. Then I guess it's just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen. Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen? Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket. Ticket Counter Attendant: I'm sorry sir, I don't understand. Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with? Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling with a child? Chandler: No. All right, y'know what, she's (Points to Janice) gonna think that I'm handing you a credit card, but what I'm really gonna do is hand you a library card. Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we don't take library cards. Janice: What's the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay? Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The rugby game, Ross is getting killed.] Emily: I can't believe they're doing that to him! I told them to go easy on him! Phoebe: No offence but, y'know sometimes it's hard to understand you, y'know with the accent, so... (The whistle blows.) Emily: That's just halftime, there's more of this. (Ross limps over all covered in mud.) Ross: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game! Emily: Right. Ross: (to Emily) Hey, could you do me a favour? Could you just grab me a bottle of water? Emily: Okay. Ross: Thanks. (When she's gone he collapses into Joey.) I-I think I'm dying. I really do. Phoebe: Oh, poor baby. Ross: (to Phoebe) Tell my son that I love him. (Emily returns with the water.) Excellent! Well, okay, I gotta have some more fun! Emily: Ross, they are killing you out there! Ross: (whines "No.") That's not true! Phoebe: She's right! You have to stop! Ross: What? No! No, I'm not stopping. I'm Red Ross! Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, you're gonna be Dead Ross! Ross: I don't care! I am not quitting! I insist on finishing this game! Emily: All right, all right, if you insist on doing this, at least let me help you. Ross: No, God no! That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything. Emily: No. That's not what I'm saying. I just may know a few things that might help you inflict some pain. Ross: I like that. Emily: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a weak ankle. Ross: Huh? Emily: One swift kick and he'll back off. Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it! Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesn't wear a cup. Ross: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup, okay! Okay! Emily: And uh, Liam, Liam's got bad knees. You hit him right and he'll go down like a lamp. Ross: But-but, Liam's on my team. Emily: I don't care! You just get him! Ross: I'm gonna go get him! Okay, I am going back in! (Squeals like a madman.) Joey: The Red Ross! Okay. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.] Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hi! Rachel: (noticing a bunch of pictures around the door that weren't there originally.) What-what are-what are these? Monica: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they'd brighten up the place. They do don't you think? (Rachel rips one of the wall and finds a huge hole underneath.) Monica: No-no-no, no! (Rachel rips off another one, revealing another hole. Rachel then moves onto a third one, but this one doesn't have a hole underneath it.) Monica: I know that there's no hole there, I just really liked that picture. (Rachel looks at it and then throws it away. She then removes a fourth one, revealing a third hole.) Rachel: Oh my God! Look at this! Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something! Rachel: I don't care! The wires have come loose in your head! Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did. Rachel: And did you?! Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs. (Rachel removes a paper on the floor which is covering a hole and gasps.) Monica: But it didn't. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus. Rachel: Oh my God. Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling. Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus. [Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.] Phoebe: Now, are you sure you don't want to go see a doctor? Ross: Oh no! That-that'll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Y'know what? I'm buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, it's in my pocket. Joey: Yeah, sure. Ross: No, not you. (Emily gets it.) Joey: Uhh, look, your eye's still popping out a little, I'm gonna go get some ice. Phoebe: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice! (They go and get the coffee and the ice leaving Ross and Emily alone.) Emily: You were amazing out there. Ross: Oh, I kinda was, wasn't I? Emily: Oh my God! Ross: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven't done that since I was four and I washed my dad's Porsche with rocks. Emily: You really enjoyed yourself didn't you? Ross: Please! Are you kidding? I-I hurt three huge men, I gave a guy a bloody nose-I mean I-I'm not proud of it but, I really am. And it's all because of you, wonderful, amazing you. Emily: I think you've got concussion. Ross: No, no, I'm serious. Thank you. Emily: You're welcome. (She hugs him tightly and he winces.) I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? Ross: It's worth the pain. (She goes to hug him again.) Y'know what, you know what? It's not. [Scene: The airport, the flight to Yemen is being called.] Ticket Counter Attendant: (on the P.A.) This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen. Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go. Janice: Oh, my Bing-a-ling. I'll wait for you. Do you even know how long you're going to be gone? Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel. Janice: Oh. Well, I'll right you everyday. (Reading the address) 15 Yemen Road, Yemen. Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye. (He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the window. Chandler walks back into the terminal and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees him.) Janice: Chandler? Chandler: No! Janice: Chandler! Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane! Janice: No! No! I wanna see you take-off. Chandler: Well, I then guess I'm going to Yemen! I'm going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you? CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.] Monica: All right. The super couldn't figure out what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldn't figure out what it did. I've had seven pretty serious shocks. I officially give up. Rachel: Thank God. Monica: I guess Joey was right, it does nothing. [Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.] Phoebe: See? I'm doing it. I am totally doing it. (Suddenly it stops working.) I lost it.

Plan: A: her athletic British friends; Q: Who does Ross play rugby with? A: British; Q: What nationality are Emily's friends? A: Monica; Q: Who becomes obsessed with a wall switch? A: extreme measures; Q: What does Chandler go to avoid Janice? A: Yemen; Q: Where does Chandler tell Janice he is being transferred to? Summary: Ross risks life and limb when he wants to show Emily how tough he is by playing rugby with her athletic British friends. Monica becomes obsessed with a wall switch in the apartment that appears to have no function. Chandler runs into Janice and goes to extreme measures to avoid her, including telling her he is being transferred to Yemen.

[Gilbert's house] (Elena looks at Jeremy. He's asleep. Then she goes in Jenna's bedroom, looks around and leaves. Damon's here) Damon: That'll get easier. But you knew that Elena: What do you want? Damon: I want to apologize Elena: Damon... Damon: Please. Elena, feeding you my blood, I was wrong Elena: Yes, you were Damon: And I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but... I need it Elena: And I need some time, maybe a lot of time Damon: Sure. True. Of course [Salvatore's house] (Damon takes a bottle of scotch and pours himself a drink. He opens the curtains, drinks some scotch and then takes off his ring. He opens his arms and his skin burns but Stefan arrives and pushes him) Damon: Get off of me Stefan: You're not doing this Damon: Just did. You know what happened to Rose, Stefan Stefan: I don't care. You're not dying today (He uses his super speed and throws him in the cellar and closes the door) Damon: What's the plan, Superman? Stefan: I'm gonna find a way out of this Damon: Oh, right. A miracle cure. Good luck with that one Stefan: I got Bonnie looking for something, anything Damon: Always the hero, Stefan. Just tell me good-bye, get it over with (He coughs some blood) Stefan: Lie still. Conserve your strength (He leaves) [The woods] (Klaus wakes up, naked. He looks at the sun and smiles. Someone throws him some clothes. He turns his head. Elijah's here) Elijah: You've been busy Klaus: That was amazing. How long has it been? Elijah: Almost 2 days. Full moon came and went. You remained a wolf (Klaus is dressing up) Klaus: I can change at will, then. It's good to know. I remember every single kill Elijah: Yes, I've been cleaning up your little mess along the way Klaus: Just like old times, brother Elijah: You've had your fun. I believe we have a bargain Klaus: That's right. Now, what was it again? Oh, yeah. Wait. I remember. That's it. You wish to be reunited with our family Elijah: You gave me your word, Nicklaus Klaus: What kind of brother would break his bond? Even though you did try to kill me Elijah: I could have. But I didn't (He helps Elijah puts his jacket on) Klaus: And now no one can, not even you. Relax, Elijah. All is forgiven Elijah: Where are they? Klaus: You need to lighten up. I'll bring you to them soon enough [Mystic Grill] (Alaric is drinking. He's drunk. His phone rings. He answers. It's Stefan) Alaric: Sorry, you've reached somebody who's currently not operating Stefan: I need your help Alaric: Well, you must have me confused with somebody else. You see, I'm not allowed to help, just idly sit by while my girlfriend gets sacrificed on an altar of blood Stefan: Damon's dying Alaric: What? Stefan: Tyler Lockwood bit him. We don't have much time Alaric: What do you need? [Mystic Falls' square] (There's a special screening of Gone with the Wind. Some girls are dressed up link in the movie. Elena and Jeremy are here. She puts a layer of fog on the ground) Jeremy: You brought me to see a girl movie Elena: We had to get out of the house, Jer. This is our 3-hour distraction from reality Jeremy: Is that what we're doing? Pretending like our lives aren't screwed? Elena: We need to do this, ok? Breathe, eat, sleep, wake up, and do it all over again until one day, it's just not as hard anymore (She sits down. Caroline arrives with a basket) Caroline: Hey! There you guys are. Who's hungry? (She sits down next to Elena) Jeremy: Are we really doing this? Caroline: Yes, we are really doing this. We are going to take a page from Scarlett. We made it through the war. I know you guys went through hell, and my mom knows I am a vampire, so basically it's like Atlanta has burned. And yet, in spite of everything, we persevere Jeremy: All right (He sits down with them) Jeremy: What are we eating? Caroline: Something good [Abandoned house] (Stefan and Bonnie are here) Bonnie: I'm not sure this is going to work Stefan: You've done a séance before, right? Contacted Emily Bennett. Maybe one of the witches might know how to help Damon Bonnie: Let's just hope they want to (She cast a spell. Some voices are whispering around them) Stefan: Bonnie? Bonnie? (She opens her eyes) Bonnie: Emily (Emily speaks through her, with her own voice) Bonnie/Emily: Why have you come here, Stefan? Stefan: I need your help. I need to know if there's a spell that can heal a werewolf bite Bonnie/Emily: No. Nature ensures a balance to everything Stefan: Is that true... or are you just saying no because it's Damon? Bonnie/Emily: Perhaps it is his time to die Stefan: No. That's not balance. That's punishment Bonnie/Emily: I will not give you what you want Stefan: So you're saying that there's an answer to give? Please, if you know something, just tell me. Help me save my brother (Bonnie screams and falls on the floor) Stefan: Bonnie Bonnie: They don't want us here. They think I'm abusing their power Stefan: They know something. There's an answer. They just don't want to tell me Bonnie: Yeah. I heard them say a name Stefan: What was it? Bonnie: Klaus [Mystic Falls' courthouse] (Carol enters in the sheriff Forbes office) Sheriff Forbes: Carol. Hi. How you feeling? Carol: Better, thank goodness Sheriff Forbes: That was a terrible fall. Shouldn't you be home resting? Carol: I've been resting, and now I'm ready to get back to work. I need you to update me on where we are with the vampire situation Sheriff Forbes: Well, there have been some developments, but I'm handling it Carol: Are you? Because I left you in charge of this town's safety, and lately I'm not seeing any results Sheriff Forbes: I said I'm handling it Carol: Then see that you do, Sheriff, because if you can't, I'll find someone who will (She leaves) [Mystic Fall' square] (Stefan rejoins Jeremy, Caroline and Elena) Elena: Look who couldn't resist an epic romance Stefan: Will you come take a walk with me? (She gets up and leaves with him) Elena: You're breaking the rules, you know. Movie night's supposed to be a distraction. Tomorrow we can return to our regularly scheduled drama Stefan: I know. I wish this could wait, but it can't. Listen, um, the other night when Damon was helping Tyler, something happened. Tyler was starting to transform, and Damon was bitten Elena: What? Is it... is he gonna... Stefan: Yeah Elena: Oh, my God. And he came to the house this morning and... and tried to apologize. I practically slammed the door in his face Stefan: He told me not to tell you, but I figured if you wanted to talk to him, I... I wouldn't wait Elena: Stefan... Stefan: it's not over. There might be a cure, but I have to find Klaus to get it Elena: No. He's gonna kill you Stefan: No, he had the chance to kill me, but he didn't. Whatever Damon's done, whatever has led him here, I'm the one that made him become a vampire in the first place, so if there's a chance for a cure, I owe it to him to find it (They embrace each other) Stefan: Go talk to him. Just tell him that there's still hope [Salvatore's house] (Damon is not okay and is hallucinating) [SCENE_BREAK] (Katherine is getting ready. Damon looks at her) Katherine: Mr. Salvatore, spying on a lady is a sign of very poor manners Damon: My apologies miss Katherine Katherine: But since you are here, my corset strings seem to be knotted. I wonder if you can undo them Damon: Of course (He touches her skin) Katherine: Will you miss me while off defending the South? Damon: I shall Katherine: Then I hope you will hurry back. I fear I will be lonely with you away Damon: I would think Stefan should be company enough Katherine: Is it so wrong for me to want you both? Elena: Damon (He turns himself. Elena's here) Damon: Elena? Elena: Don't you see? She was toying with you. All you had to do was say no, walk away. You had a choice (Katherine touches his cheek and makes him looks at her) Katherine: Promise me that you will return quickly Damon: I promise [Alaric's apartment] (Stefan enters the apartment. Katherine is here sitting on the bed) Stefan: Hello, Katherine (She gets up) Katherine: Two days, I've been waiting. I'm supposed to be free of Klaus' compulsion by now. He's supposed to be dead Stefan: We ran into complications Katherine: Complications? Stefan: Doesn't really matter. I just need to find him. Do you have any idea where he might be? (She pushes him against the wall and asks him to shut up. Klaus and Elijah arrive) Katherine: Klaus, you're back. Look who decided to come for a visit (Klaus looks at Stefan) Klaus: You just keep popping up, don't you? Stefan: I need your help... For my brother Klaus: Well, whatever it is, he's gonna have to wait a tick. You see, I have an obligation to my brother that requires my immediate attention (Elijah looks at Stefan) Elijah: You understand how important family is, or you wouldn't be here. My brother gave me his word that he would reunite me with my own Klaus: And so I shall (He puts a dagger through Elijah's heart, killing him and looks at Stefan) Klaus: Now, what am I gonna do with you? (He puts a stake through him) Klaus: Do you feel that? It's scraping against your heart. The slightest little movement and you're dead Katherine: He's just trying to help his brother Stefan: The witches said you had a cure. Make me a deal. Just give me the cure, and I'll do whatever you want (He's on the floor. Klaus pours himself a glass of blood) Klaus: Trouble is I don't know if you'd be any good to me the way you are now. You are just shy of useless [Salvatore's house] (Damon is looking at his werewolf bite. Alaric arrives) Alaric: Well, that looks bad Damon: It feels worse. My subconscious is haunting me, Rick. Please tell me you have something for that (Alaric puts a glass of scotch and Damon's ring on the door window) Alaric: Double shot (He pours Damon more scotch) Damon: That's good (He gets up and takes his ring) Damon: Oh good (He takes the glass) Damon: So my brother sent you for suicide watch? Alaric: He's just trying to help Damon: He's doing what he always does, trying to right the wrongs of the past (Damon screams, he's hurt) Damon: You should want me dead. I'm the reason Jenna got killed Alaric: I don't blame you for Jenna (He drinks) Damon: Oh, sure you do. Let's not forget I turned your wife into a vampire. You must really hate me for that one Alaric: Ok, give me your glass. Neither one of us is drunk enough for this conversation (Damon gets closer and strangles him) Damon: Kill me. Please Alaric: Screw you (He injects vervein on Damon with a dart. He falls on the floor) Damon: No. Elena? Alaric: Elena's not here, Damon (Elena parks her car. She hears a noise and turns her head. The sheriff is here and puts her hands on Elena's mouth) Sheriff Forbes: Don't make a sound (Damon is on the ground. Alaric looks at him) Damon: I need blood. I need blood (Alaric goes to the fridge and takes a blood bag. He turns his head. The sheriff is here with a gun) Sheriff Forbes: Where's Damon? Alaric: You know, now's not a good time, Sheriff. Trust me Deputy: Sheriff, over here Alaric: I wouldn't go in there Sheriff Forbes: I just wanna talk to him Alaric: I wouldn't go in there (She closes the door and goes in the cellar she doesn't see Damon. He's behind her) Damon: Liz (He throws her against the wall and she falls on the floor) [Mystic Falls' square] (Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy are looking at Gone with the Wind on the town's square) Caroline: All this waiting around for news is ruining Scarlett for me (Jeremy's phone rings. He answers. It's Alaric) Jeremy: Alaric. Hey Alaric: Tell me you're with Elena Jeremy: She went to go see Damon. I thought that's where you were Alaric: No, he just escaped. I think he's looking for her, and the cops are after him. Listen, he's in bad shape, Jeremy, so if you find her, get her somewhere safe, ok? I'm on my way (He hangs up) Bonnie: If Damon is off the rails, there is nothing you can do to stop him. Let us take care of it Jeremy: You keep doing this. You left me behind before, and guess what. Jenna still died. Now I'm going to find my sister. You go ahead and you try to stop me [Alaric's apartment] (Stefan is still on the floor. Klaus has a glass of blood in his hands. Katherine is looking at them) Klaus: I heard about this one vampire, crazy bloke, always on and off the wagon for decades. When he was off, he was magnificent. 1917, he went into Monterey and wiped out an entire migrant village... A true ripper. Sound familiar? Stefan: I haven't been that way in a very long time Klaus: Well, that's the vampire I can make a deal with. That is the kind of talent that I can use when I leave this town (Stefan gets up) Klaus: Katerina, come here (Katherine gets closer. He takes hers arm. His face changes, his eyes are yellow. He bites her) Katherine: Aah! Aah! No. No... No. No. No (He bites his wrist. He makes Katherine drink his blood. Her wound heals. Klaus looks at Stefan) Klaus: You want your cure? There it is Stefan: Your blood is the cure Klaus: Gotta love Mother Nature (Klaus holds Stefan by his shoulder) Klaus: Now... Let's talk, you and I [Mystic Falls' square] (Damon is here. He seems sick. He turns his head and sees Katherine in a lavender dress) Damon: Katherine (She disappears. Jeremy rejoins her) Jeremy: Damon Damon: Where's Elena? I need to see Elena now Jeremy: Ok. Let's get you out of here first, all right? (Jeremy holds him) [SCENE_BREAK] [Mystic falls' courthouse] (Elena is in the sheriff's office) Elena: Where's Damon? What did you do to him? Sheriff Forbes: Why do you even care? You know what they are, what they do Elena: Look, I understand why you hate them, but you're wrong Sheriff Forbes: They're murderers, Elena. End of story (A deputy enters) Deputy: Damon Salvatore was just spotted outside entering The Grill Elena: Wait. You've gotta let me come with you. He's sick. He's... he's not himself (The sheriff looks at the deputy) Sheriff Forbes: Keep her here (She leaves. Elena is trapped in the office) [Mystic Grill] (Jeremy is with Damon and calls someone) Jeremy: Hey, it's me. I'm with Damon at The Grill (The sheriff arrives. Damon is in front of Jeremy. She shots him but Damon disappears so she shots Jeremy. He falls on the floor, dead. She rushes over him) Sheriff Forbes: Oh, God. Oh, God (She speaks in her radio) Sheriff Forbes: I've got a gunshot victim at The Grill. Get the paramedics here (She looks at Jeremy) Sheriff Forbes: You're gonna be fine. It's gonna be ok (Bonnie and Caroline rushes over them) Bonnie: Jeremy! Caroline: Mom. Mom, what did you do? Sheriff Forbes: I was aiming for Damon Caroline: He still has his ring Bonnie: She's human. The ring won't work on him. Caroline... Caroline: I got it (She bites her wrist and puts it in Jeremy's mouth) Caroline: Come on, Jeremy. Just drink. Go on, Jeremy. Drink Sheriff Forbes: What are you doing? Caroline: I'm helping him. Jeremy, drink. Please. Please. Please (He doesn't drink because he's dead. Alaric rejoins them) Alaric: Bonnie, what's going on? (He sees Jeremy) Alaric: Oh, my God Bonnie: I know what I need to do (She looks at Alaric) Bonnie: I need you to grab him. T-take him with us Sheriff Forbes: No, no, no, no. You can't move him. This is a crime scene Caroline: Mom, you let them go (Alaric grabs Jeremy) Alaric: All right, come here, buddy. I got you. I got you [Mystic Falls' courthouse] (Elena breaks the window with a chair) [Alaric's apartment] (Klaus puts some of his blood in a vial. Stefan is looking at him. Katherine is in retreat, looking at them) Klaus: There it is. You want to save your brother? How 'bout a decade-long bender? And I have big plans for you when we leave this town Stefan: I'm not like that anymore Klaus: Well, that's too bad. You would have made a hell of a wingman (He pours some blood in the sink) Stefan: Wait Klaus: Now that's more like it. I want you to join me for a drink (He throws him a blood bag. Stefan drinks a sip) Klaus: Finish it. All of it. You do everything I say, and I save your brother. That's the deal (Stefan drinks all of it. Klaus throws him another blood bag) Klaus: Again (Stefan drinks) [Abandoned house] (Bonnie and Alaric and Jeremy's body are here) Alaric: Is this even possible? Bonnie: There's a spell for it if they'll give me the power to use it (Jeremy's head is on her legs. She casts a spell. Voices whispers around them) Bonnie: No Alaric: What? What is it? Bonnie: They're angry at me for coming back here. They don't wanna help Alaric: Well, they have to Bonnie: They said there'll be consequences Alaric: Well, he's just a kid. Tell 'em to shut up (Bonnie continues to cast the spell. Her nose bleeds. She cries) Bonnie: Emily. Emily! I know you're there. Please help me. I love him (The whispering stops) Bonnie: No! (She cries. Jeremy opens his eyes) Bonnie: Oh my god Jeremy: Bonnie Bonnie: Oh, my God, Jeremy. Oh, my God Jeremy: What happened? Bonnie: Doesn't matter. You're ok. You're ok (She raises her head) Bonnie: Thank you [Mystic Falls' square] (Elena is running and looking everywhere but she stops) Damon: Elena Elena: Damon (She grabs him) Elena: Hey, come on. Come on. We have to get you out of here. We have to hide you Damon: where are we going? [SCENE_BREAK] (Damon is running after Katherine) Katherine: Everywhere! Damon: Wait for me. I want to come with you (He trips) Nowadays (Damon trips. Elena rushes over him) [SCENE_BREAK] (Damon pins Katherine against a tree) Nowadays (Elena looks at Damon) Elena: Hey. Hey. Relax. We need to get you out of here (He pushes her against a post) [SCENE_BREAK] Katherine: You're faster than I though Damon: Why must you always run from me? Katherine: Because I know that you will chase Damon: Then let me chase you forever. Feed me your blood Katherine: I will not feed you, Damon. If you want it, take it (She cuts her neck with a needle) Katherine: It is your choice to make Nowadays Damon: I choose you, Katherine Elena: Look at me. Hey. It's Elena. It's Elena [SCENE_BREAK] Damon: Promise me you will not tell my brother Katherine: I promise. It will be our little secret (He leans toward her) Nowadays (Damon leans toward Elena's neck) Elena: No. Damon. No Damon: I have to... If we are to be together forever (He bites her neck and drinks her blood) Elena: Damon, stop. You're hurting me. Damon, you don't have to do this. Please stop. You're hurting me! (He stops and looks at her) Damon: Elena (He falls on the floor. Elena holds him. She holds her neck and looks around her) [Mystic Grill] (Caroline hangs up her phone. Her mother is still here) Caroline: That was Bonnie. Jeremy's alive Sheriff Forbes: I thought I killed him Caroline: You did Sheriff Forbes: I don't understand Caroline: I explained it to you once. I... I had to make you forget because I was so scared of what you might do. But now... I don't wanna lie. I'm not gonna be afraid of you anymore. I don't want you to be afraid of me anymore. I'm still your little girl (She embraces her) Caroline: It's me. It's me, mom (The sheriff cries and embraces her too) [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy is on his bed, talking with Bonnie via webcam) Bonnie: Hey. How you doing? Jeremy: Trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Feel different, weird Bonnie: Yeah, you were dead. It'd be weird if you felt normal Jeremy: Bonnie, I, uh... I don't know how to thank you Bonnie: You can thank me tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. Good night, Jeremy Jeremy: Good night (Their conversation is over. Alaric arrives) Alaric: Hey, bud. I've gotta take off. Need anything? Jeremy: Uh, no, no. I think I'm good Alaric: You know, uh, on second thought, I might just crash here. Is that cool? Jeremy: Yeah, yeah. Sure. Whatever Alaric: All right Jeremy: Alaric, um... Thank you for everything Alaric: Ah, you can thank me tomorrow... And the day after that, the day after that Jeremy: Dude, come on! I knew you were listening (He throws him something. Alaric smiles) Alaric: And the day after that (He smiles and leaves. Jeremy laughs) [Salvatore's house] (Damon is laying on his bed, sweating and looking sick. Elena's here, with a towel on her hands) Damon: Elena Elena: It's ok, Damon. I'm right here Damon: Elena, get out of here. I could hurt you Elena: No. You won't. I'm here until the very end. I'm not leaving you Damon: Get out of here (He creams and coughs. She sits down and takes him in her arms) Elena: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hang on. Shh. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok Damon: It's not ok. It's not ok. All those years, I've blamed Stefan. No one forced me to love her. It was my own choice Elena: Shh Damon: I made the wrong choice. You tell Stefan I'm sorry. Ok? (She nods. Clean her face with the towel and puts her head against his) [Alaric's apartment] (There are a lot of blood bags on the ground. Stefan is drinking one and looks at Klaus) Klaus: You're very cooperative. It's almost as if you're enjoying it (He gives him another blood bag) Stefan: No more. Not until you give me the cure Klaus: Not until we make a deal. It's your choice, Stefan. You can either remain here living your life in Mystic Falls, or you can embrace what you truly are, leave town with me, and save your brother's life (Stefan takes the blood bag and drinks) Klaus: That's the spirit (He takes the vial with his blood and looks at Katherine) Klaus: Sweetheart... (He compels her) Klaus: Take this over to Damon and come right back Katherine: You want me to leave? Stefan: No! Klaus: Yes and if I were you... (She takes the vial and disappears) Klaus: I'd hurry (He sits down on a chair) Stefan: She'll never take it to him. She'll never take it to him [Salvatore's house] (Damon is in Elena's arms) Damon: This is even more pitiful than I thought Elena: There's still hope Damon: I've made a lot of choices that have gotten me here. I deserve this. I deserve to die Elena: No. You don't Damon: I do, Elena. It's ok. 'Cause if I'd have chosen differently, I wouldn't have met you. I'm so sorry. Done so many things to hurt you Elena: It's ok. I forgive you Damon: I know you love Stefan. And it will always be Stefan (She takes his hand and lays next to him, putting her head on his chest) Damon: But I love you. You should know that (She cries) Elena: I do Damon: You should have met me in 1864. You would have liked me (She raises her hand and looks at him) Elena: I like you now. Just the way you are (He close his eyes. She kisses him) Damon: Thank you Elena: You're welcome Katherine: Well, it's me you should be thanking (Elena turns her head) Katherine: I mean, I'm the one who brought the cure (Elena rushes out of the bed. Katherine looks at her) Katherine: I thought you were dead Elena: I was (Katherine sits down next to Damon) Damon: You got free Katherine: Yep. Finally (She makes him drink Klaus' blood) Damon: And you still came here? (She touches his face) Katherine: I owed you one (She gets up) Elena: Where's Stefan? Katherine: Are you sure you care? Elena: Where is he? Katherine: He's paying for this (She shows her he vial) Katherine: He gave himself over to Klaus. I wouldn't expect him anytime soon Elena: What do you mean, "he gave himself over"? Katherine: He just sacrificed everything to save his brother, including you. It's a good thing you have Damon to keep you company. Good-bye, Elena. Oh. It's ok to love them both. I did (She throws her the vial and disappears. Damon starts to gets up and looks at Elena) [A warehouse] (Elijah is in a coffin. Klaus is looking at him. Two men are here) Klaus: I suppose, brother, you've been reunited with our family (He closes the coffin and looks at the two men) Klaus: Put him with the others. We're leaving town tonight (They puts him with others coffins. Stefan receives a text from Elena telling him that Damon's okay and asking him where he is) Klaus: So... Did Katerina make it in time? Stefan: You won't be seeing her again, you know Klaus: Because she's on vervain? I've been around a long time, Stefan. I rarely get played for a fool. Besides, she won't get far. You'll help me see to that Stefan: What is it you really want from me? Klaus: All will be explained in time. Once we leave this tragic little town Stefan: Then are we done here? Can we go? Klaus: Not quite. You see, I have a gift for you (A girl is here) Klaus: Come here, sweetheart. Don't be afraid (The girl rejoins them. Klaus looks at Stefan) Klaus: See, I wanna make sure you honor our deal... That you'll be of use to me (He bites the girl's neck and drinks her blood) Klaus: I could have compelled her to behave, but a real ripper enjoys the hunt (He releases her. She leaves, screaming. Stefan stops her, bites her and drinks her blood until she's dead. Klaus looks at him) Klaus: Now we can go [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy hears a noise. He wakes up) Jeremy: Alaric? (He gets up and goes out of his room) Jeremy: Alaric? (Someone is behind him.. he turns himself but no one's here. He goes down the stairs. Vicki goes down behind him. Alaric is sleeping on the couch) Vicki: Jer (He turns herself. No one's here. He goes in the kitchen. Anna's here) Jeremy: Anna? (He turns himself. Vicky's here) Jeremy: Vicky?

Plan: A: Damon; Q: Who apologizes to Elena for feeding her his blood? A: his ring; Q: What does Damon take off to try to kill himself? A: a wolf; Q: What does Klaus transform into? A: the deal; Q: What does Klaus honor with Elijah? A: Katherine; Q: Who does Klaus bite to show Stefan the cure for a werewolf bite? A: a ripper; Q: What does Klaus want Stefan to become again? A: Mystic Falls; Q: Where does Klaus want Stefan to go with him? A: Sheriff Forbes; Q: Who accidentally kills Jeremy? A: his cell; Q: What does Sheriff Forbes accidentally free Damon from? A: Jeremy; Q: Who does Sheriff Forbes accidentally kill? A: Bonnie; Q: Who begs the witches to bring Jeremy back? A: "consequences; Q: What do the witches warn Bonnie about? A: a delirious Damon; Q: Who does Elena find delirious? A: his love; Q: What does Damon confess to Elena? A: Katherine interrupts; Q: Who interrupts Elena and Damon? A: the Gilbert home; Q: Where did Jeremy find Anna and Vicki? Summary: Damon apologizes to Elena for feeding her his blood. He then tries to kill himself by taking off his ring and walking into sunlight but is stopped by Stefan. When Klaus awakens after successfully transforming into a wolf, he honors the deal with Elijah to reunite him with his family - by staking Elijah. Klaus shows Stefan the cure for a werewolf bite is the blood of a hybrid by biting Katherine and feeding her his blood. Klaus tells Stefan he will trade a vial of his blood if Stefan becomes a ripper again and leaves Mystic Falls with him. After Stefan drinks human blood, Klaus gives Katherine the cure for Damon. Sheriff Forbes, trying to kill Damon, accidentally frees him from his cell. She tracks Damon down but she misses her shot and kills Jeremy instead. Bonnie begs the witches to bring Jeremy back saying that she loves him. They do but warn of "consequences." Elena finds a delirious Damon, brings him home, and kisses him after he confesses his love. Katherine interrupts with Klaus's cure for the werewolf bite. Klaus tests Stefan, asking him to kill someone. Jeremy finds Anna and Vicki at the Gilbert home, both dead vampires.

"...And That is the Question" CAST Dawson: James Van Der Beek Joey: Katie Holmes Pacey: Joshua Jackson Jen: Michelle Williams Andie: Meredith Monroe ALSO STARRING Gail: Mary-Margaret Humes Mitch: John Wesely Shipp Grams: Mary Beth Piel Bessie: Nina Repeta Abby: Monica Kenna *Dawson's room - Pacey is watching "Jerry Maguire"* Jerry: *on TV* I'm starting a new company. The fish will come with me. You can call me sentimental... *Dawson walks in* Dawson: Dawson Leery, personal homework carrier, has arrived. Apparently, just in time for a private screening in his home theater. Pacey: Dawson, when my suspension is over tomorrow, I'll go back home, but until then, I'm willing to risk you getting sick of me for invading your personal domain because hiding out here and alienating you...beats the hell out of torture and death in the hands of my father at home. Dawson: Well, I'm happy to help. I'm just saying that I will be happy when my room returns to it's original owner...and odor. So...Jerry Maguire again, huh? Pacey: Yeah, I'm running it on a continuous loop. It speaks to my current situation as a renegade moral crusader. So...what's new in the land of higher education? Dawson: Well, pretty much the same old plus the ol' sexual identity crisis. Pacey: How is Jack? Dawson: Well, he seems okay. He's kind of keeping a low profile. Pacey: And, uh...Joey? Dawson: She's fine. Pacey: Uh...Andie? Dawson: Um..last I heard she had run off to Bali with a Brazilian soap star named Diego. I hear she's very happy, though, and tan. Would you just call her, you idiot? I can't believe you've let a week go by without even talking to her. Pacey: Dawson, it's not that easy, okay? Andie thinks I'm responsible for dragging another McPhee scandal through the school quarters and I think she was being short-sided and selfish and insensitive so right now, we're at an impass. Dawson: No, last week you were at an impass. Right now, you're just in avoidance. *Pacey sighs and Dawson sits down.* Dawson: Right now, she's hurting and you care about her, Pacey. Just...apoligize. Swallow your pride and get your girlfriend back. Pacey: I don't want to apoligize to her, Dawson! I stood up for something that I believed in and I was right! I mean, look at my man Jerry, here. His mission statement. He took a stand. Dawson: And he lost everything. He had to beg, grovel, and crawl to get it all back. And he was not sleeping on his best friend's floor. Pacey: I thought you said I could have the bed tonight. Dawson: I don't think so. Pacey: Joey gets the bed. Dawson: *laughs* Don't go there. *Cut to Jen and Ty kissing in front of the school.* Ty: I'll see you later. Jen: Okay. Ty: Okay, bye! Jen: Bye! *Ty walks off and Dawson walks up to Jen.* Dawson: Love blooms in Capeside. Jen: *laughs* God, I feel so silly. It's like I have this stupid Junior High crush. Dawson: It's great. I'm very happy for you. He seems like a really nice guy, too. Jen: He is. Very cool. Dawson: Great. Jen: Actually, um, feel like joining us? I'm planning a little evening excursion tonight. Dawson: A bible party? Jen: Not exactly... *Cut to Joey digging in her locker and Jack's standing behind her.* Jack: How deep does this thing go? Joey: I can't find my econ. book. *She hands a book and a purse to Jack among many other things he's been holding for her as she searches. He kind of hangs the purse off his shoulder.* Morgan: Oooh! Nice purse, McPhee! Jack: Oh! Let me know if you want to borrow it sometime, Morgan! Joey: What a jerk. Jack: Whatever. Joey: It would just be nice if the running commentary would come to a stop, that's all. Jack: And what? Give up my role as Capeside's most talked about non-homosexual? Joey: You know what I mean. I mean, Jack you're not gay. So what is the joy in talking about something that has already been refuted. Jack: Ah, well, we're going to have to fight fire with fire here. What do you say we make love on the student green? *Joey stops, not in the mood for joking around.* Jack: Wait, wait! Even better! We could end me. We could have a "going into the closet" party and then everybody could come dressed up as their favorite straight person. Joey: *laughs* Get to class, Straight Boy. Jack: *gruff voice* Uh, uh, no. That's, uh, Bubba to you. *He kisses her on the cheek then walks off down the hall. Joey's face drops and Dawson walks up.* Dawson: I know that look... Joey: Yeah, okay, well you can still look but you can't ask, okay? Dawson: Okay. Tonight, um, Jen has convinced me to tag along to this club that Ty likes. You wanna come? Joey: I can't. Dawson: Okay. Joey: I'm sorry, um, thank you for asking. It's just that, um, Jack and I have plans to study. Dawson: Ohh. Sounds like fun. Joey: We haven't been focusing too much on fun recently. Dawson: Well, maybe you should. You know, invite him to come along with us. Or you could, *laughs* I can't believe I'm suggesting this, just plan something for the two of you alone. Maybe even something...romantic. Joey: *surprised* Dawson Leery. I can't believe you're giving me relationship advice. Dawson: There are easier things in the world. Anyways, I gotta go. *He takes off down the hall and Joey has that "What-a-nice-guy-I-kind-of-wish-I-was-still-with-him" look on her face.* Joey: Dawson! Dawson: Yeah? Joey: *chickens out and fakes like she forgot* Nothing... *Dawson smiles and goes into class as Joey scrunches her eyebrows and goes to her class. Cut to Peterson's Creative Writing class.* Mr.Peterson: Miss Sullivan...Mr. Weinert...and, of course, Mr. Witter. Pacey: Here. Mr.Peterson: What a delight it is to have you return. Tell me, did you think of us while you were on...hiatus? Pacey: Everyday. Mr.Peterson: *pointing to papers* What's that? Pacey: It's all four assignments that I missed while I was gone. I didn't want to run the risk of getting an incomplete on any of them. Mr.Peterson: I'll be sure to take your diligence into consideration and this is your poetry assignment. I'm sorry you weren't able to get it back sooner! *Pacey looks at it, he got an 'F'* Pacey: What exactly was wrong with this? Mr.Peterson: Well, in my educated, editorial analysis....it stunk. Pacey: So, as my teacher, you have no comments or advice on how I might compose a poem more to your liking? Mr.Peterson: Yes. Write better. From now on, people, your grades will be subjective, whim to my personal taste. Those of you with talent, intelligence, and ability will have no problem and the rest of you should come to terms with your inevitable failure. *Cut to Dawson and Pacey in the cafeteria. He's looking at his poem.* Pacey: He's setting it up to fail me. Dawson: And you can't drop it because it's halfway through the semester. Pacey: Bingo. Which puts me at about a 7.4 on the "Screwed" Richter. *Andie walks in across the cafeteria and takes a seat by herself, glancing at Pacey.* Pacey: Or, make that 7.8. The phase of massive destruction. Dawson: Go talk to her. Pacey: She saw me. She could come over her. Dawson: Pacey. Go. Pacey: I will. I just want to give it a second. *Cut to Jack sitting a table. Joey walks up and hands him a piece of paper.* Jack: What's this? Joey: A menu. Jack: I realize that. Joey: Look, if you don't like anything, just let me know. That's what I'll be cooking tonight. Jack: For who? Joey: You and me. We're going to have the dinner to end all dinners. At my house on the dock. And I was thinking...what it leads to from there....only the fates can say. Jack: That sounds romantic. Joey: Well, that's the plan, Stan. Jack: You're something else, Joey. I don't know what I'd do without you supporting me through all this. Joey: Well, it goes with the territory of kind of dating you. *She kisses him on the cheek. Cut back to Pacey and Dawson. Pacey is watching Andie. He gets up and walks over.* Andie: Hi. Pacey: Hi. Andie: You haven't called. Pacey: Last I checked my phone has an incoming line. Andie: You left me stranded on a pier after telling me that I was weak and insensitive. I really wasn't up for talking to you. Pacey: And you judged and abandoned me when I needed you the most. I thought I'd wait for your call. Andie: My call? And I'd call and say what? Pacey: For starters, "I'm sorry." Andie: I agree. "I'm sorry," would be nice to hear. Look, was there anything else you wanted because we really don't seem to be making any progress here. Pacey: Well, Andie, I just saw you sitting over here and I thought I'd come say hello. Any progress beyond that I hadn't really considered. Andie: Well, consider this. Hello is typically followed by one thing. *Andie closes her book and packs up.* Andie: Goodbye. *She walks out of the cafeteria leaving Pacey behind. In the hallway, she meets up with Jack.* Jack: What was that about? Andie: I don't want to talk about it. I'm late to meet Mr. Milo. Jack: What do you mean? Andie: Nothing. I didn't want to bother you. It's just that he's been calling for mom lately and I've been covering and finally he just asked me to come in, that's all. Jack: Andie, that's where I'm going. He asked me to come in, too. I figured it was just more of his good guy, counselor BS. Andie: I wonder why he wants us both to come in. *Cut to Mr. Milo's office. A man is tapping his fingers against the desk. Andie and Pacey enter and Andie's eyes light up.* Andie: Daddy!! *She runs and gives him a hug.* Mr.McPhee: Hello, sweetheart. *Jack just gives him a cold stare. Andie is happy with his return. Cut to Joey packing napkins, candles, etc. into a picnic basket. She's dressed up. The phone rings.* Joey: Hello? Jack: (other end) Uh...a romantic evening for two? Joey: Yes. Jack: I can't come. Joey: *concerned* Why? Jack: It's my dad. He came in from Rhode Island. He wants to take Andie and me to dinner. Joey: *confused* Well, that's good, right? Jack: Yeah, hardly. Milo called him. Told him everything that's been going on at school. So I think I'm going to have to take a raincheck. Joey: *disappointed* Uh, um, hey, well, that's completely understandable. Jack: I'm sorry, Joey. I hope I haven't ruined your whole evening. Joey: No. Um, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Um, I'll find something to do. Jack: Alright. Well, I guess I'll see you then? Joey: Yeah, okay, yeah...I'll see you later. Jack: Thanks. Joey: Yeah, bye. Jack: Bye. *Joey hangs up the phone and walks over to her mirror and starts to take her hair down. Then, she seems to remember something and she picks up the phone and dials a number. Cut to the blues club Jen and Ty were at last episode. Dawson and Joey are following Jen and Ty.* Dawson: Okay, this place couldn't be seedier. Joey: Dawson, it's not that bad. I mean, it sure beats sitting home feeling dumb. Dawson: Yeah, but... *They all sit down at a table, watching the singer.* Dawson: So, Ty, I take it you come here a lot? Ty: Yeah, it's practically home. Waiter: What'll it be, Ty? Ty: Um, four usuals. Joey: What's a usual? Ty: It's, um, a surprise. A rather stiff surprise. Joey: I, um, I'll have a coke. Dawson: Me too. *The singer finishes the song on stage. Everyone claps.* Singer: Ty, honey, it's your turn. Ty: Duty calls. *He walks up onstage and takes a seat at the piano.* Dawson: What's he--What's he doing? Jen: I have NO idea. *He starts playing the piano for the song.* Dawson: Oookay... Joey: Where'd he learn how to play like that? Jen: Church? Dawson: What is his deal? I mean, doesn't his religion frown on this? Jen: Yeah, well, he's got issues. Joey: He's perfect for you! Jen: Thank you so much! *Joey laughs* Dawson: Okay, can we just stop and comment on the irony of the three of us sitting here? Jen: Oh, you mean the proverbial, proverbial triangle. Dawson: I mean, here I am, single, sandwiched in between two women who both dumped me. It's pathetic. Jen: Hey, look at me, I'm dating a bible-bumping hypocrite, okay? Joey: Hey, my boyfriend may be gay. *They all laugh* Jen: Bartender! Dawson: Three usuals! Joey: And hurry! *They laugh again. Cut to Pacey at the library.* Librarian: These are the code of conduct finals for every public job in the county including teaching guidelines. Not that I care, but why exactly are you doing this? Pacey: Just trying to make the best of a bad situation. This is going to take forever. Librarian: No, it's going to take...20 minutes. We're closing. *Pacey sighs. Cut to Andie, Jack, and their father at a restaurant.* Andie: So the doctor gave Mom this new prescription. It's (missed word) but her behavior has noticeably improved. Oh, she'll be so happy to see you! Hey, I know! Tomorrow, I can make this fabulous breakfast and we can surprise her. Oh and I made the honor roll! Mr.McPhee: You always make honor roll. Andie: Well, I made it again. So...Jack! Why don't you tell Daddy about the Icehouse? Jack's working at this great restaurant downtown, I hear he's doing really well there. Mr.McPhee: You seem especially quiet tonight. Jack: Well, there's nothing to say. Everything's alright, I guess. Mr.McPhee: That's not the case, Jack. If everything were alright with the world, Mr. Milo would not have called me, insisted that I leave work, drive to Capeside and disrupt my life. Jack: Well, sorry to bother you, Dad. Mr.McPhee: Are you gay, Jack? Jack: Would you care? Mr.McPhee: That's not an answer and yes, I would. I think this family has enough problems. We don't need to add to them. Jack: And it would be a problem? Mr.McPhee: You're the only son I have now, Jack. You don't have Tim to hide behind anymore. People notice you now. Andie: Daddy, I think you've made your point. Mr.McPhee: Andie, this doesn't concern you. And I will have made my point when your brother makes the appropriate response to the question. If Jack really loves this family and appreciates all that we've done for him he'd realize that we already have enough to deal with in the way of problems that we can't help. And those that we can help, would be best resolved immediately. Did I make myself clear? Jack: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] *Cut to Dawson and Joey slow dancing to a song.* Dawson: So, are you having a good time? Joey: Actually, yeah. Dawson: Good. Joey: Thanks. Dawson: Yeah, me too. I'm sorry your plans didn't work out but...I'm really glad you're here. Jack is missing out. *They keep dancing.* Joey: You think he's gay, don't you? Dawson: I never said that. *Joey sighs like "Please."* Dawson: Okay, the thought has crossed my mind once. *Joey raises her eyebrows.* Dawson: And commited twice. I don't know, you know better than I do. Joey: Yeah, I do! Dawson: And do you know him as well as you know me? Joey: No, of course not. Not yet. I mean, I can't read his eyes the way I can yours. Dawson: So, what are my eyes saying right now. *He looks at her with his "complete-adoration" look.* Joey: Um, I think what your eyes are saying is how...comfortable it is for us to be here like this...together....as friends. Dawson: You're good. *They keep dancing as we cut to Jen and Ty watching them from the table.* Ty: You know, I don't get it. They make such a cute couple. Why would Joey want to be with a fruitfly? Jen: Jack's no fruitfly. Ty: Oh, come on, Jen. He's playing for the other team. Jen: You don't know that. Ty: Hey, if it looks like a duck, talks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's a duck. Jen: Why does it even matter if he....is a duck? Ty: Well, it's his choice. If he wants to quack, more power to him. Jen: See I don't think it's exactly a choice you make. Ty: Well, see, that's what they want you to believe. That it's not a choice. But, you see, everything in life is a decision. And all ducks choose to quack and Jack's definitely a quacker. Jen: Are you kidding me or are you serious? Ty: Oh, I'm serious. Nobody has to quack if they don't want to. *Cut to Jack laying on his bed tossing a rubber ball against the wall and catching it. Someone knocks at the door.* Jack: Come in. *Andie opens it.* Andie: Hey. Jack: Hey. Andie: I'm sorry about tonight. He shouldn't have said those things. Jack: Well, it's okay. I don't expect any less. Andie: Jack. He hasn't had it easy. Jack: Yeah and life here on Windsor's been a bowl of cherries. Andie: Well, it's not going to get any better unless he comes back. Jack: Andie, come on! Andie: Well, it's true! I mean, we can not keep watching over Mom and everything. We are too young for this kind of responsibility. Jack: Then we'll get used to it cause he's not going to stay. You're a fool if you think he is. Andie: But if we make him see that we all need to be together then-- Jack: WHY?! Why do we need to?! Andie: Because he's our father. Jack: Andie, we lost him when Tim died and then Mom got sick and he bailed. So what makes you think things are going to be any different now? Andie: How do you expect him to accept you if that's the way you feel about him? If you keep on resisting loving him, how's he supposed to love you back? Jack: I don't know and frankly, I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, you can spend the rest of your life listing your accomplishments towards him, begging in his lap for a few meager signs of approval that he decides to toss your way but I can't do that. Andie: I don't think there is anything wrong for wanting my father to be proud of me. Jack: No, no, there isn't. But did you ever stop to wonder if you're proud of him? *Cut to Ty and Jen at Jen's house.* Jen: *handing her a plate* Thank you, Grams. Grams: I really like that Ty boy, Jennifer. Ty: That was a great sandwich, Mrs. Ryan. Grams: Would you like some more milk, Tyson? Ty: No, no, no thanks. One's my limit. I'm driving. *Jen is sitting there quietly.* Ty: Are you upset about something? Jen: No. No, it's--you know what, yeah. Yeah, actually I am. Ty: Let me guess. The quacking ducks. Jen: How can you think that it's wrong? Ty: Oh, I never said it was wrong, Jen. I just said it was a choice. Jen: So you think it's okay? Ty: No. No. I think it's wrong. It's in the Bible. Hey, Mrs. Ryan, what's the chapter that condemns homosexuality as a sin? Grams: I believe it's the book of Li-- Jen: Grams, stay out of this. Please, okay? I'm not going to let you two gang up on me, here. How can you have such a narrow view of being gay? Ty: How can your view be so narrowly liberal? Jen: Ty, you're no Saint, you know that. Ty: I don't claim to be but one day, I'm going to have to answer to the Big Man and so will Jack. And if he's ready to take responsibility for his actions then he can do whatever he wants. I just think that his kind is damaging to the world at large. Jen: I can not believe you. For you to just magically suggest that someone can decide whether or not to be gay is insane. Ty: The facts don't lie, Jen! The gay movement has been nothing but medically and morally damaging to this country. Jen: What?! Grams: I've tried to stay out of this, but I can't, Jennifer. Jen: No, no! I am not going to let you guys moral majority me, here, when you don't even know all the facts! Grams: What I have to say is not directed at you, Jen, what I have to say is for Tyson. If Jack is gay, he does not need your judgement, young man. The Lord above will judge him, as he will all of us. What he needs from you, from me, from everyone else in this world is love and tolerance. If anything, that boy is feeling scared and alone and he will need the understanding of his fellow man to help him through this. Let's save judgement for someone much more experienced than you. *Jen smiles and stands up next to Grams, those two ganged up on Ty. Cut to Dawson walking Joey home.* Joey: You know, you didn't have to walk me home. Dawson: Well, maybe I wanted to. How you doin'? Joey: Mm. Okay, I guess. Dawson: Did the blues club just make you more blue? Joey: Yeah... Dawson: Want to talk about it? Joey: It's stupid... *She opens her door and Dawson follows her in.* Dawson: If it's stupid you're talking to the right person, okay? I happen to have a world of experience when it comes to stupidity. Joey: Can I ask you something straight-forward and honest? Dawson: Yeah, you know you can. Joey: Um...am I sexual? Dawson: What? Joey: The thing is, um, I know that Jack's not gay but he's obviously confused about something and it's always kept him at a distance and I was just wondering if he chose me because...I'm safe. Dawson: Safe? Joey: Look at me. I'm Joey Potter, virgin at large. I don't really have any experience with men or relationships or s*x. Dawson: Joey, you are extremely sexual. Joey: But you didn't see it. I mean, you fell for Jen, s*x machine. I was something else to you. Dawson: Joey, I was just stupid. It took me time to see what was there. Joey: And what was there? Dawson: What was there was one amazingly, sexy girl. Joey, your sexuality is in everything you do. Your wit, your intelligence, your anger, your fiestiness. I see it more and more everyday. You're blossoming and it's amazingly sexy. Joey: Thanks, Dawson. Dawson: Look, I don't think the question is why did Jack choose you. I think the real question is why did you choose Jack? *Dawson walks towards the door.* Dawson: Goodnight. Joey: Goodnight, Dawson... *Cut to the principal arriving at school and Pacey's waiting.* Pacey: Principal Marky(?)! Principal: Pacey. Judging from your tardiness record, I didn't think you rose before 10. Pacey: Well, rising requires sleeping and I didn't get a chance to do that last night. This is for you. *He hands her some papers.* Principal: What is this? Pacey: It's a document I prepared. I checked out the state bilaws on professional antics for teachers and turns out, Mr. Peterson's in violation of almost every one. Principal: What's your point here? Pacey: *reading* All educators should maintain professional relationships with all students in a manner in which is free of indictiveness, recrimination, and harassment. Want me to keep reading? Principal: What are you suggesting? That I call Mr. Peterson to my office and give him Saturday detention? Pacey: No, you don't have to do anything. That folder contains over 20 other testimonies from students that I gathered last night. There's a school board meeting on Tuesday and I sent a copy of that to every person on the board. I want this man publicly reprimanded for his behavior. Principal: I hope you know what you're doing, Pacey. Pacey: I'm sorry if I had to go around you Principal Marky. But I was just trying to do the best I could with my given said circumstances. *He walks off. Cut to the McPhee house. Mr.McPhee comes down the stairs with his suitcases.* Andie: Daddy, where are you going? Mr.McPhee: I have to get back. I have three meetings this afternoon. Here's names of some nurse companies for your mother. We'll get help in here for ya. Andie: Well, can't you stay any longer? Mr.McPhee: No, I'm sorry. It's not possible. Andie: But you said we'd discuss it and we haven't yet. Mr.McPhee: Andie, don't get emotional. I'll be back in a few weeks. Jack: Don't bother. Mr.McPhee: Excuse me? Jack: I said don't bother coming back. Andie: Jack. Daddy and I are talking right now so please just let us talk. Mr.McPhee: Would you like to explain your comment? Jack: You don't want to be here so don't bother coming back. We have everything under control. Save yourself the gas mileage. Mr.McPhee: I will not suffer that tone from you. You understand me? I work too hard. Jack: Oh, that's always the excuse, isn't it? You work too hard. Well, I could care less how hard you work. What's the sense in trying to support a family you don't even care about? Mr.McPhee: Alright, that's it. Goodbye, Andie. I'll call you in a few days. *He turns for the door but Jack runs for it and slams it shut, blocking his path.* Jack: No, no, no! You're not going anywhere! Mr.McPhee: Get out of that doorway! Jack: No! This is one conversation that you can't run away from! You don't want to talk about Tim's death. Or Mom being sick or even why she's sick. You trust the reality of why your daughter's been on and off prescription drugs for the last two years. That's fine, too. *yelling and crying* But we are going to talk about me! Mr.McPhee: YOU CALM YOURSELF DOWN! Jack: No! I will NOT calm down and I will NOT be quiet! You want to resolve this then ask me again. Mr.McPhee: Ask you what? Jack: The question! Ask me the question again. Ask me if I'm gay. Ask me. Mr.McPhee: You are not gay. Jack: Yes. I am. You know it. I see how you look at me and I know, you know. Think about the way that you treated me and the way that you treated Tim because he was the real son and I was different. And as hard as you've tried to stamp it out and ignore it, I have tried HARDER. I have tried harder than you to be quiet and to forget it and to not bother my family with my problems.*walks over and sits on the stairs, crying* But I can't try anymore because it hurts. I'm sorry, Dad. Andie, I'm sorry. I don't want to be going through this, but I am. *Andie goes over to the steps and sits with him, comforting him.* Mr.McPhee: Stop crying, both of you. I said stop crying. Andie: Leave! Mr.McPhee: Andie, this is between Jack and me. Andie: Not anymore it's not! Just leave. Get out of here! *He leaves and Andie goes to comfort Jack, still crying on the stairs. Cut to Jack walking outside of school. He spots Joey and runs up to her.* Jack: Joey, hey! Joey: Hey! You survived dinner. Jack: Barely. Hey, listen, can we make some plans to see each other tonight? Joey: Sure. Calling in your raincheck? Jack: Yeah, I really need it. Joey: Okay. So I guess until tonight, then? Jack: Okay. *They kiss quickly.* Jack: See ya. Joey: Bye! *Cut to Jack and everyone reading a sign on Peterson's door. Pacey walks up.* Pacey: What's going on? Jack: No Peterson today. We're supposed to go to study hall up in the library. Pacey: Mm. Jack: Um, Pacey! I've been meaning to tell you something for awhile. Thank you. Pacey: Your welcome, man. *Pacey keeps walking and looks in the room and sees Peterson sitting at his desk. He goes into the room.* Pacey: Why isn't class in session? Mr.Peterson: Oh, you didn't get the latest update? Your favorite teacher's leaving this god-forsaken institution. Pacey: I don't get it. You haven't even gone before the board yet. Mr.Peterson: Please. You didn't really think I'd appear before some collection of idiot parents and have them tell me what I've done wrong for the past 30 years. I'd rather eat dirt. I was planning on retiring in 6 months but your action gave me every reason in the world to make an early exit. Pacey: Mr. Peterson, this may feel a little late in coming but I am sorry. Mr.Peterson: That stunt was one of the most admirable moments of your life. Don't ruin it with an apoligy. Pacey: You are unbelievable, man. What is it inside of you that makes you so damn mean? Mr.Peterson: Mr. Witter, as awful a man as you find me to be, you came here to learn from me. Pacey: I have learned, sir. I've learned that respect is not commanded through fear. It's earned through compassion. Mr.Peterson: Then tell me this. Should I respect you? You're responsible for ending my career. Where is the compassion in that? *He leaves, leaving Pacey alone in the classroom. Cut to Jen on the swing in her yard. Ty walks up.* Ty: I come in peace. Nursing my wounded ego. Hoping for redemption. Jen: Ty...this just isn't going to work out. I'm sorry but there's too many differences and I can't seem to get beyond some of your inherent views. Ty: So we can't disagree? I thought a relationship was about growing together. If you think that my beliefs are wrong, teach me. Show me another way. Jen: Ty, it's not that easy. Ty: Well, relationships aren't easy. All I'm saying is I'm open-minded. My narrow-minded ways are open for discussion. What about your liberal views? Are they open? You are a smart, beautiful girl...can't we just see what happens next? Jen: Well, you certainly have a charm, don't you? *Cut to Pacey walking out on the student green. He spots Andie, who spots him. Andie closes her book and gets up and walks towards Pacey.* Andie: I've been looking for you... Pacey: No, actually, I came to talk to you.. Andie: No, before you say a word, Pacey, I need to say something. I want to apoligize. Pacey: No, I came to apoligize. Andie: No, I should be the one. I've been treating you so unfairly. Pacey: No, but I hurt you with my little crusade, okay? I never thought about how it might effect you. I just got obsessed. Andie: Wait a minute, why do you get to be the only one who apoligizes? Pacey: Why are you arguing with me about it? Andie: Because I failed you. Pacey: I was self-riteous to the point of alienating everything I cared about. Andie: But I forced you to live up to these unreasonable expectations. Pacey: Okay! McPhee, shut up and let me apoligize, okay? This last week without you has been a living hell and I don't ever want to have to go through another moment like that. I'm sorry, McPhee. Andie: You're forgiven, Pacey. Pacey: It's your turn now. Andie: It's just that I molded you into this person that I thought you should be and I did it to my father, too. I thought it was what I needed, you know? I place this unfair burden on people just so they can save me from myself but I realize I don't need a knight in shining armor. I need a partner. Someone I'm proud to love and who's proud to love me back in spite of all my faults and it's you. You're the one, Pacey. I'm sorry. Pacey: How come your apoligy was so much better than mine? I always lose to you, Andie. *They kiss.* Pacey: I take that back. I'm definitely the winner here. *Cut to Jack walking towards Joey who is lighting candles outside of her house for their "dinner".* Joey: Heyyy! You're early! I haven't finished lighting the candles and the foods still inside. *The kiss again (quickly)* Jack: Wow. Joey, this is magnificent. Joey: Yeah, I'd be pretty impressed if I were you. Jack: You shouldn't have done this. Joey: I wanted to. Jack: I know, but you shouldn't have. Joey: This is where I say "Uh, oh" right? Jack: Look, Joey, I don't really know where to start.. Joey: Just be honest with me. I mean, this time...just be honest. Please. Jack: This morning I told my father I was gay. Joey: So you are. You're gay. Jack: Well, I, I mean, I'm not-- Joey: You're not gay? Jack: No. Joey: Part gay? *Jack laughs* Joey: No, um, please don't laugh at me. I don't know what you're trying to say, um, you're gay? *Jack nods sort-of crying. Joey starts nodding.* Jack: When I wrote that poem, it clicked something inside of me that has been quiet for so long and it made me realize that whatever it is I'm going through is not going to go away. Maybe ever. Joey, I care about you so much. You've been such a good friend to me which is why I can't stand the thought of losing you, but I don't want to hurt you either. Joey: I, um, I know the rest. Thank you for being honest with me. *Jack reaches across the table and grabs her hand.* Jack: Thank you for being you. *Cut to Andie eating her dinner at her house. Jack walks in. She gets up and they hug. Cut to Dawson laying on his bed watching television. Joey crawls through the window. Dawson looks at her with confusion. She starts crying and walks over and lays her head on his chest and cries. Dawson kisses the top of her head and she continues to cry and then ending credits.*

Plan: A: Dawson's advice; Q: What does Joey take to heal her wounds? A: the poem; Q: What left Joey's new romance with Jack exposed? A: his innermost secrets; Q: What does Jack confront? A: Pacey; Q: Who takes on Mr. Peterson? A: his abusive teaching methods; Q: What does Pacey challenge Mr. Peterson on? A: the school alienate Andie; Q: Who does Pacey alienate? A: Andie; Q: Who is alienated by Pacey's insistence on making things right in the school? A: their relationship; Q: What do Pacey and Andie have to work hard to put back together? Summary: On Dawson's advice, Joey attempts to heal the wounds of her new romance with Jack, which were left exposed by the poem and the resulting innuendo. Jack again reassures her. However, when Jack confronts his innermost secrets, their lives and everyone's close to them will never be the same again. Elsewhere, Pacey takes on Mr. Peterson and challenges his abusive teaching methods. His insistence on making things right in the school alienate Andie, and the two of them must work hard to put their relationship back together.

3.15 - Face-Off OPEN IN LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai is sitting at a table with Taylor] TAYLOR: So, I have talked to every member of my family and we agreed that you can hold the rooms on my credit card, but everyone must check out with their own. LORELAI: Got it. TAYLOR: Have we gone over the room arrangements yet? LORELAI: Closing in on a hundred and fifty times. TAYLOR: Well, the Doose clan is very, very particular about their accommodations. We are light sleepers and are prone to night terrors, and several of us are very allergic to bed clothing, so it's very important that we are – LORELAI: On the first floor or near a fire escape. Yes, Taylor, I know, it's all taken care of. Um, Taylor, could you just hang on a second? I'll be right back. TAYLOR: Oh, all right, but hurry. I don't have all day. [Lorelai walks to the counter where Rory is talking to Jess] LORELAI: Hey. You were supposed to bring me a cup of coffee. RORY: Yes, I know. I'm sorry, I got distracted. JESS: My fault. LORELAI: Yes, but see, when you left me there, I was alone, and now, look, I'm no longer alone. RORY: Taylor found you? LORELAI: Yes, and we've since embarked on hour one hundred millionth of planning the special Doose reunion. RORY: I'm coming back over there right now. LORELAI: Yes, and then you are going to get very sick and be unable to feed yourself so that Mommy will need to take you home and stay by your side until the Doose reunion is over. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Okay. Say goodbye to Jess. RORY: Bye Jess. JESS: I'll call you later. LORELAI: Oh, limp a little if you can. RORY: Uh, what malady do I have that makes me limp and lose ability to feed myself? LORELAI: It's French. RORY: Okay. [they walk over to Taylor] LORELAI: Taylor, listen, we're gonna need to finish this up a little later. Rory's not feeling so good. TAYLOR: Oh no, what's the matter? RORY: It's French. TAYLOR: All right. Well, I think we're just about done here anyhow. Oh, before I forget, let me give you each one of these. [hands them each a button] RORY: [reads button] "Stars Hollow Hockey, 2003 semifinalists. Go Minutemen. The future is yours. Bring this button to Doose's for fifty percent off your next purchase of Stove Top Stuffing." Wow, that's a lot of words for a tiny button. TAYLOR: I expect to see both of you wearing them at the game tomorrow night. LORELAI: Well, we'll try to make it. TAYLOR: Try to make it? My dear, do you realize that this is the first time we've been in the regional semifinals in forty-three years? RORY: But didn't we only make it this far because the Litchfield team got food poisoning? TAYLOR: Well, I admit it's not exactly the plot of Hoosiers, but still it's very, very exciting. LORELAI: Well, it's nice that you and your family are so loyal to the home team. TAYLOR: Oh, the Dooses have been the backbone of Stars Hollow High hockey for years. I, myself, was the goalkeeper for our team in the last regional finals. LORELAI: I did not know that. TAYLOR: Oh yes. I was responsible for the game-winning goal. LUKE: So the puck just ricocheted off your head and into the net? TAYLOR: Still counted. LUKE: For God's sake, I was making a joke. You really got pucked in the head? TAYLOR: No, I was making a joke, too. Uh, Lorelai, just one more – [Taylor looks out the window and sees Lorelai and Rory running down the street] TAYLOR: What a disgrace, making that poor sick girl run. LUKE: Wow, you can see the dent. [opening credits] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Rory, and Richard are eating dinner] RICHARD: So, Rory, how are things at Chilton? RORY: Great, great, everything's great. RICHARD: And, uh, Lorelai, things at the inn are good? LORELAI: Mm, mmhmm, hm. RICHARD: Oh, Rory, please slow down and chew your food properly. LORELAI: I'm always telling her that. Pass the butter. RORY: Pass the peas. LORELAI: Pass the pork. RORY: Pass your plate. RICHARD: I'm sorry, is there a race going on I don't know about? [Emily walks into the room] EMILY: That was your mother, Richard. She just wanted to make sure that all our towels are Egyptian cotton. RICHARD: Well, it's a simple question. EMILY: It's her fortieth simple question of the day. RICHARD: Well, she's going to be staying with us, Emily. She just wants to know she'll be comfortable. EMILY: Yes, because we usually give our guests the towels we've stolen from the Holiday Inn. RORY: Great Grandma's coming to stay with you? RICHARD: Just for a few days, um, while her floors are being redone. LORELAI: So, how's Gran doing? RORY: Yeah, does she miss London? EMILY: Not half as much as I do. RICHARD: Emily. EMILY: I never really truly appreciated the Atlantic Ocean before. Three thousand lovely miles of water. RICHARD: You are talking about my mother. EMILY: I know that, Richard. And I'm happy to have her stay here, but must she keep interrupting the one dinner a week that we have with Lorelai and Rory? She knows what time we dine – and why are you two eating so quickly? LORELAI: We're not eating quickly. RORY: Yeah, you've been on the phone for awhile. It probably just seems like we've eaten a lot. [phone rings] EMILY: I wonder who that could be. RICHARD: Emily. [doorbell rings] EMILY: Well, aren't we popular? Richard, perhaps you could get that while I have another bath sheet versus bath towel debate with your mother. [Richard and Emily leave the room] LORELAI: You're giving it away! RORY: What? LORELAI: You're eating too quickly. RORY: What? You said that we had to be out of here by 8:30. LORELAI: Yeah, but I didn't tell you to broadcast it. RORY: I'm eating at the same speed you are. LORELAI: But you're eating small bites very fast. You've gotta eat bigger bites at a normal speed. RORY: You mean I should risk choking so we can make our Friday night plans? LORELAI: Exactly. [Richard returns to the table] RICHARD: I apologize for that. LORELAI: Collection agency again? RICHARD: Excuse me? [Emily returns to the room] EMILY: Thank goodness she called. Richard, did you know people actually expect there to be soap in their bathrooms when they. . . [Emily hears a noise. She looks into the living room and sees two men carrying a mattress up the steps] EMILY: Why are there strange men hauling a mattress up my staircase? RICHARD: Well, now, Emily – EMILY: She sent her own mattress? RICHARD: Well, she has a very sensitive back. EMILY: She sent her own mattress? RICHARD: I'll go and supervise. [leaves room] LORELAI: Well, Mom, it looks like you got a lot going on here. RORY: With the mattresses and the phone calls. LORELAI: Yeah, so we're just gonna go and get out of your hair. EMILY: Hold it right there. What is going on with you two? LORELAI: What are you talking about? EMILY: You know exactly what I'm talking about. Bolting down your food, leaving before dessert, Rory checking her pager every five minutes. What do you have planned? Fine, we'll just sit here until one of you feels like filling me in. LORELAI: She has a date! RORY: So does she! LORELAI: Yeah, but hers starts a half-hour earlier than mine! RORY: Because you get to stay out later! LORELAI: Because I'm the mom! EMILY: You two, stop it right now! You're behaving like children. LORELAI: Sorry. RORY: Yeah, sorry. EMILY: Our deal is for Friday night dinners, not appearances at Friday night dinners. Now, you will sit there and you will eat your dessert. LORELAI: But – EMILY: One more word and I throw in a game of charades. RORY: Yes, ma'am. LORELAI: Yes, Mom. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory rush into the house] LORELAI: Oh, we gotta get a faster car! RORY: Hey, don't blame the car. LORELAI: So you're saying it's my fault we're late? RORY: Who was the one who said, "Hey, I've got room for another piece of pie." [Lorelai goes upstairs] LORELAI: Ah! You kept making all that pointless conversation, all those thank you's and please's. What, are you running for Miss Congeniality? RORY: Just get ready. LORELAI: What time are you meeting Jess? RORY: I don't know, I'll tell you in a sec. [checks answering machine] LORELAI: Have you seen my brown boots? I cannot go out without those brown boots. My entire outfit was retrofitted around those practically – Oh! Wait, can you believe it? Hey, they were in my closet. What sort of bizarre accident of fate put them there? [Lorelai walks back downstairs] LORELAI: What? He didn't call? Well, maybe it's too early. What time is it? RORY: 9:15. LORELAI: And when did he say he would call? RORY: When he got off work. LORELAI: Which was when? RORY: It varies. LORELAI: I'm sorry, I thought you guys had a plan. RORY: We did. LORELAI: And the plan was that he calls you whenever because his work time varies? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Good plan. Bay of Pigs, was that yours, too? RORY: He'll call. LORELAI: Hey, look, you wanna come out with me and Alex? We might go see a midnight movie if something really bad is playing. RORY: No, thanks. LORELAI: Just promise me you won't sit here all night staring at the phone. RORY: [turns on TV] Happy? LORELAI: Delirious. Oh, I should not have had that second piece of pie. RORY: Full? LORELAI: No, just late. RORY: Bring me some Milk Duds. LORELAI: It's a plan! CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Rory walk through the town square] RORY: Then I spent about forty minutes cleaning out my hard drive. You would not believe the amount of junk that accumulates – old files, things you've downloaded but never opened. It really slows down your CPU. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I hate a slow CPU. RORY: Then, all of a sudden, I looked down and I saw all this hair and dust between the keys of my keyboard. LORELAI: So, naturally, you cleaned your keyboard. RORY: Yes, and I'll tell you, it was a strangely satisfying experience. LORELAI: Uh huh. One question. During this time that you watched TV, did homework, proofread articles for The Franklin, organized my sock drawer, returned emails and gave a much needed cleaning to your computer, did it ever occur to you to call him? RORY: No. LORELAI: Why? RORY: Because he said he'd call me. LORELAI: Right. Okay, so then I'm guessing you're not gonna mention anything to him about your extremely productive evening alone when you see him either. RORY: Why should I? LORELAI: No reason I can think of. [They stop to look at Stars Hollow High, which has been toilet papered by a rival school] LORELAI: You know, I almost like it better like this. RORY: It is more festive. [they see Dean on a ladder helping remove the toilet paper] LORELAI: Good luck tonight! RORY: Sure, when Dean said he'd call, he always called, but where's the fun in that? LORELAI: Oh, honey, don't do that. RORY: Do what? LORELAI: Compare Dean and Jess, that's not fair. They're different people. RORY: Clearly. One calls when he says he will and one doesn't. LORELAI: Okay, for starters, I think you have to realize something – you were really lucky with Dean. He was an exceptional first boyfriend, and you got spoiled. Most of us didn't have first boyfriends like Dean. Most of us had first boyfriends like Brian Hutchins. RORY: Brian Hutchins? LORELAI: Seventh grade, I'm sitting in the library, walks up, asks me to go steady. I say yes. He walks away and I don't see him again until the tenth grade when he tries to sell me a dimebag at the Sadies Hawkins Day dance. And he was way overcharging for it, too. RORY: That's demented. LORELAI: Well, that's what most of us had to put up with. Where do you think the Susan Faludi's of the world came from? RORY: So, you're telling me this is just the way it is, and I have to get used to Jess not calling when he says he will? LORELAI: No, I'm saying you just have to realize that every guy is different. Give Jess a chance to explain before you freeze him out. RORY: Okay. [they walk into the diner] RORY: Jess. JESS: Hey. That table's clean if you want it. [walks away] LORELAI: Well, I hope that cleared it up for you. RORY: Not a word. Not even a lame-o apology that is obviously a lie. LORELAI: Yeah, how dare he not lie to you. LUKE: Finally, two people who don't give a damn about hockey. LORELAI: Oh, someone's testy. LUKE: Well, just look at these dippy people with their buttons and their pennants. You'd think the town had never been in a semi-regional playoff before. RORY: But hasn't it been like forty years? LUKE: Yeah, for the hockey team, yeah. But back when I was on the track team, we went to state three times in four years and won it twice. Think they made buttons and put up banners? They couldn't care less. LORELAI: Well, Luke, that's because track is for dorks. RORY: Yeah, it's true. I'm sorry. LUKE: Okay, the conversing part of this morning is now over. What do you want? LORELAI: Jack omelet, bacon on the side. RORY: Three blueberry and two lemon poppy seed muffins to go. Lane's band is rehearsing at my house. I wanted to bring them something. LUKE: You got that, Jess? JESS: Yup. LUKE: Be right back. JESS: Five muffins to go. RORY: Thank you. I'll see you later. [leaves] JESS: What was that, you guys in a fight or something? LORELAI: No, you are. JESS: What are you talking about? LORELAI: Last night, didn't you guys have plans to do something? JESS: I don't know. I just said I'd call her after work. LORELAI: And did you? JESS: I had to work another shift, I didn't get off until midnight. It was too late to call. LORELAI: And you couldn't have taken two seconds at work to call and tell her that? JESS: No. LORELAI: Really? You don't get breaks? Do you get food, water? Should I get Michael Moore on the phone? JESS: Whatever. I gotta unload some boxes. [walks away] LORELAI: Nice talking to you. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory and Lane walk out of the house toward the garage, where the band is practicing] LANE: See, I knew once my mom found out Dave was part of a Christian trio, it was only a matter of time before she booked him to play at one of her prayer meetings. RORY: It's perfect. Now your mom's gonna get to know the whole band. LANE: Not just get to know them, but love them the way she loves Dave. RORY: Your mom loves Dave? LANE: She said he's a righteous young man who's proven he can be trusted around antique furniture. In her book, that's pretty close to love. RORY: Oh, sure. ZACH: [sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing." Dude, what's a bulwark? BRIAN: What? ZACH: It says, a bulwark never failing. BRIAN: I think it's a wall. ZACH: Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay. BRIAN: I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something. ZACH: Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark. RORY: So, Dave, Lane just gets to sit back and watch you guys play tonight, huh? You're like a groupie. DAVE: No, actually, she's got a date. RORY: What? LANE: Oh, yeah. Remember Young Chui, the guy my mom introduced me to at the wedding? She arranged for him to take me to the hockey game tonight. RORY: Oh. DAVE: It's the first of three dates. RORY: The first of three? DAVE: Then he's gonna dump her. RORY: Young Chui, the guy you haven't gone out with yet? LANE: Yes. And I'll be crushed, making my mom feel so guilty about setting me up with him that she'll have to let me go out with Dave to make up for it. DAVE: I came up with that twist. LANE: Dave has a natural gift for subterfuge. DAVE: Wow, a compliment from the master. [walks away] LANE: I would've thought of it myself, but I let him take the credit. RORY: Men sometimes need that. ZACH: I'm telling you dude, it doesn't make any sense. BRIAN: Fine, stop yelling at me. I didn't write it. DAVE: Whoa, whoa. Uh, what's wrong? ZACH: This stupid song, man. "For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe." I mean, who talks like that, the Pope? BRIAN: Dude, is any of those lemon poppy seed? DAVE: Well, can't you update it a little? ZACH: Sure, man. Just tell me what the hell it means. It's like in Latin or something. BRIAN: I thought there was gonna be coffee, too. ZACH: Dude, can you chill out about your freaking elevensees ‘til we get this song straightened out? BRIAN: I'm hypoglycemic. If I don't get something in my system, I'm gonna crash. DAVE: Is abi-death a word? RORY: But how are you gonna make Young Chui dump you? Just be a really bad date? LANE: Oh, no, we've already talked to him. He's totally on board. RORY: Really? LANE: Oh, yeah. See, he's in love with this Japanese girl named Karen who his parents don't approve of, so he and Karen see each other secretly while his parents keep setting him up with nice Korean girls. He's the male me. RORY: Gotcha. LANE: Hey, you and Jess should come with us to the game tonight. It'll be fun. RORY: Yeah, I'm not sure what we're doing tonight. ZACH: [sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a wall ten stories high. And he helps us when things get bad and the devil tries to hurt us." RORY: What hymn is that? LANE: I have no idea. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Taylor is in the lobby talking to his family] TAYLOR: If for some reason, you should get separated from the group, you'll find a map on the third page of your welcome packet. DOUG: Why'd you draw your store so big? TAYLOR: It just makes it easier to find if you get lost. DOUG: It's bigger than the school. MAN 1: And why'd you put all those P's in soda shop? Is that supposed to fancy or something? MICHEL: You are in room twelve, and your father is – MAN 2: Are you from France? MICHEL: Excuse me? MAN 2: You talk funny. You from France. MICHEL: Yes. So, as I was saying – MAN 2: I was in France during the Big One. MICHEL: Oh, that's nice. So - MAN 2: Nice? It was a war. What's nice about that? MICHEL: Of course. So, your father is – MAN 2: Don't give me that attitude, Frenchy. You'd be speaking German now if it wasn't for me. LORELAI: Just make sure to have the vans back at 3:45 to take them to the game. TAYLOR: Oh, Lorelai, just a second. I wanted to – DOUG: Hold on there, what is this? TAYLOR: That's the itinerary I've worked out for the afternoon. I thought Lorelai could post it in case some of the inn's other guests wanted to join us in our pre-game activities. Oh, Lorelai, this is my older brother Doug. Doug, this is Lorelai. LORELAI: Hello. DOUG: Nice to meet you. Taylor, I told you on the phone, no one is gonna wanna do any of this crap. A tour of Stars Hollow? Most of us were born here. What do we need a tour for? Everyone, listen up. We're meeting down here in two hours for the vans to the game. You're late, you're walking. Go back to your store and count peaches or something. I'm taking a nap. [Lorelai walks toward the front desk] EMILY: Lorelai, hello. LORELAI: Mom? EMILY: You remember, I'm so touched. LORELAI: What are you doing here? EMILY: Well, I was thinking about possibly having our next DAR luncheon here. LORELAI: Really? EMILY: That's right. So I thought I would stop by and make sure the place is as charming as I remember. It is. LORELAI: Okay, well, what day would you like to have the meeting? EMILY: The fifteenth. LORELAI: The fifteenth. Um, well, the fifteenth looks wide open, so you're officially down for the fifteenth. EMILY: Wonderful. LORELAI: Okay. EMILY: Okay. LORELAI: So. EMILY: So, how is Michel? LORELAI: Michel's fine. EMILY: Well, good. I'm glad to hear it. LORELAI: Well, I'm glad to tell it. But Mom, I have this really big family reunion party that invaded the place today, so I should probably get back to work. EMILY: Oh, yes, you go right ahead. Do not let me keep you. LORELAI: Okay. Mom? EMILY: I'm not allowed to go home. LORELAI: What? EMILY: She's banished me from my own house LORELAI: Gran? EMILY: She's gone mad. This morning she announces that she's hosting a meeting of her bitter old biddies club at our house tonight and she needs the entire day to prepare because the house is in such a shambles. LORELAI: Nice, subtle. EMILY: Then I was handed a list of chores and asked not to come home until at least six o'clock because I would simply be in the way. LORELAI: Mom, she's only staying with you for a few days. EMILY: I have to buy her flowers. She doesn't like mine, they're too tall. It's ostentatious to have flowers that tall. LORELAI: Actually, I've been meaning to mention that to you myself. EMILY: I have to get new guest towels. I have to get new highball glasses. I have to get four very specific types of cheese. And I have to get a slide projector because they're going to view slides of potential acquisitions for the museum that they're on the board of. LORELAI: Okay, Mom – EMILY: Of course, I haven't the faintest idea of where to find a slide projector. I feel like I'm going insane. LORELAI: Mom. EMILY: I'm sorry. I think I'm just a little sensitive right now. It's selfish, I know, but Richard's traveling more than he ever did. He's been gone three of the last four weeks, and now he's finally home, and she's there commanding all of his attention, all of his time. I sound like a spoiled high school girl. LORELAI: Not quite. You still haven't asked for the Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and the convertible Rabbit. EMILY: Oh, never mind. I'm sorry I kept you from your work. LORELAI: Mom, listen, I have a slide projector. I'd be happy to bring it over tonight. EMILY: Oh, I really appreciate this, Lorelai. I mean it, I couldn't be more grateful. LORELAI: Hold on. EMILY: Where are you going? LORELAI: I wanna get a tape recorder. I want that last thing on tape. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Just remember what you said. CUT TO KIM RESIDENCE [The band is setting up for the prayer meeting] MRS. KIM: You have everything you need – water, extension cords? DAVE: Yes, ma'am, I think we're good. MRS. KIM: Where's your tambourine? DAVE: We don't have one. MRS. KIM: Next time bring one. [doorbell rings] ZACH: Dude, remember the drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket? BRIAN: Totally. [Mrs. Kim answers the door] YOUNG CHUI: Good evening. MRS. KIM: Ah, Young Chui, come in. Lane, look, Young Chui is here. LANE: Hi. YOUNG CHUI: Hi. These are for you. [hands her a bouquet of flowers] LANE: Thank you, they're beautiful. Isn't that nice of him, Mama? MRS. KIM: Yes, very thoughtful. Stand together now. Don't smile. [takes picture] Very nice. That one's for the grandchildren. LANE: Well, we better go. We don't wanna be late for the game. MRS. KIM: I will put these in a vase for you for your bedside table. Now, go have fun. LANE: We'll be home by nine. MRS. KIM: Ah, yes, whatever. Go, go. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai is near the front desk as Sookie walks over with a box] SOOKIE: Oh, thank goodness you haven't left. LORELAI: Why, what's up? SOOKIE: Emily called and asked if you can bring some serving dishes. Apparently, hers are tacky. LORELAI: My, Gran is a relentless old broad, isn't she? SOOKIE: You want them where? LORELAI: Just on the counter's fine. Thanks, hon. [Lorelai calls home] RORY: Hello? LORELAI: Rory. RORY: Mom? LORELAI: What are you doing there? RORY: What do you mean, what am I doing here? I live here, remember? Who were you expecting to find? LORELAI: No one. I was calling to check messages and see if Mom called. RORY: Well, she hasn't. No one has. In fact, this is the first time the phone's rung all day. LORELAI: Ah. RORY: What, ah? LORELAI: Okay, get out. RORY: Excuse me? LORELAI: Out of the house, get out of the house. RORY: Why? LORELAI: Why? Look at the clock, what does it say? RORY: It says six. LORELAI: So, it is six on a Saturday night, which means you have now spent a day and a night waiting for him to call. RORY: I know. LORELAI: Well, that's not good, kid. Look, let's say he does call. You can't be the kind of girl that gets all mad in her head and then forgets everything once he deigns to show up, right? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Okay, so don't just sit there waiting. Go out, do something. RORY: Like what? LORELAI: I don't know. What's Lane doing tonight? RORY: She's going to the hockey game with her fake boyfriend. LORELAI: Perfect. RORY: Perfect? It's a hockey game. LORELAI: It'll be fun. There'll be cheerleaders and clowns, people doing the wave. RORY: You have no idea what a hockey game is, do you? LORELAI: It doesn't matter. Put on a jacket and get outta there, and if he calls . . . RORY: Who cares! LORELAI: That's my girl. RORY: Thanks, Mom. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily walks into the house carrying several bags. From the hallway, she sees Trix in the living room kissing a man. Emily quietly walks back outside.] EMILY: Oh my. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO HOCKEY RINK [The game is about to start. Miss Patty and Babette stand in the center of the rink singing the National Anthem.] BABETTE/MISS PATTY: [singing] . . .And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh say, does that star spangled banner yet wave, o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. [Rory walks over to Lane in the stands] RORY: Hey. LANE: Rory. RORY: It's cold in here. LANE: It's the ice. RORY: Oh my God, there really is ice. Cool. LANE: What are you doing here? RORY: I'm hockeying. LANE: That's not a word. RORY: Where is everybody? LANE: There was a monster truck show in Woodbury tonight, pulls a lot of the same demographic. Sit. Where's Jess? RORY: Don't know, don't care. LANE: Really? RORY: I'm a free woman tonight. LANE: Is everything okay? RORY: Everything's fine. LANE: You sure? RORY: Absolutely. I just wanted to see some good hockey playing. LANE: Uh huh. RORY: Really. Is that Young Chui? LANE: You mean the guy with the cell phone stapled to his ear – yeah, that's him. RORY: He looks kind of serious. LANE: He's talking to Karen. RORY: His real girlfriend? LANE: I think she's not quite as cool as Dave is about the whole fake dating thing. She needs reassurance. RORY: Well, Dave is pretty cool. LANE: The coolest, isn't it? I mean, besides Jess. RORY: Right. LANE: Right. KIRK: People of Stars Hollow, are you ready to rumble? Then let's get it on. [the referee drops the puck to start the game] KIRK: And the puck is down as the first quarter begins. Period, sorry. First period begins, my bad. RORY: So, this is sports. CUT TO KIM RESIDENCE [The band is playing at the prayer meeting] ZACH: [singing] I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see. WHOLE BAND: [singing] Amen. MRS. KIM: Very nice. You may now take a fifteen-minute break while we finish our tea. Also, good time to retune. BRIAN: Was she looking at me? ZACH: She wasn't looking at me, dude. DAVE: Hey, I'm gonna, uh, go outside and get some air, okay? ZACH: Uh, sure. DAVE: Okay, be right back. [Dave walks out onto the porch, checks his watch, then starts running down the street] CUT TO HOCKEY GAME [Rory and Lane are in line at the snack stand.] LANE: [on cell phone] Believe me, I am not interested in Young Chui in that way. He's cute and all, but I've got a guy. No, no, when I say he's cute, I just mean he's your boyfriend and you've got good taste, that's all. Hey, Koreans do not have problems! [hands phone to Young Chui] You talk to her, I'm done. YOUNG CHUI: [on phone] Karen? [walks away] RORY: That went well. LINDSAY: Oh. RORY: Hey Lindsay, how are you? LANE: Hi Lindsay. LINDSAY: Hi. I'm good, thanks. Um, how are you? RORY: Good. You know, just enjoying my first hockey game. It seems there's a lot of bashing of people into walls, which is always good fun in my book. LINDSAY: Oh, absolutely. I'm all for more bashing. RORY: You know, I don't think we've seen each other since I left Stars Hollow High. What have you been up to? LINDSAY: Oh, you know, nothing really. The usual, school. RORY: Right, sure. LANE: School. Me too, but you know that since we go to school together. LINDSAY: Well, I should be getting back. Um, it was good seeing you again. RORY: You, too. LANE: Bye. [Lindsay walks away] RORY: Okay, so that was weird, right? LANE: Oh, yeah, really weird. RORY: But I didn't do anything, did I? LANE: You mean like ask her how she was? Yeah, you probably made an enemy for life. RORY: Maybe she's angry because I didn't keep in touch after I left, but we weren't that good of friends. LANE: Maybe, or it could be that Chilton thing. RORY: What Chilton thing? LANE: Well, you know how some people think because you went to Chilton, you're a snob and think you're better than everyone else. RORY: What? Who thinks that? LANE: Well, you know, like uh, Julie Lersten, Kristin Keiffer, Jill Allen. Haven't we talked about this? RORY: No. [Dave walks up behind them] DAVE: Hey. LANE: Dave. DAVE: Hey Rory. RORY: Hey. DAVE: So, where's, uh, where's Young Chui? LANE: Talking to Karen. DAVE: Who? RORY: His girlfriend. DAVE: Oh, right. That's cool, okay. Well, how's the game? LANE: The other team's winning. RORY: But our fans have the best insults. At least, Babette does. DAVE: Well, that's really what counts in the end. LANE: So, what are you doing here? Did you finish already? DAVE: Oh, no. You're mom gave us a fifteen minute break. I just thought I'd swing by. LANE: But it's more than a mile away. DAVE: Yeah, I better get back. I'll see you later. LANE: Bye. [Dave leaves] RORY: Well, well, well. If I didn't know better, I'd say someone isn't quite as cool as we thought he was. LANE: What do you mean? He's jealous. Oh my God, he's jealous, that's so great. RORY: You've worked your womanly wiles on him, Lane Kim. LANE: I've never made a guy jealous before. I feel so powerful. RORY: Just remember, there's cute jealous and there's Othello. LANE: Good point. RORY: So, who else thinks I'm a snob? CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai walks into the front entryway as there's a knock at the door. She opens it.] LORELAI: Jess. JESS: Hey, is Rory here? LORELAI: Are you serious? JESS: Yeah, I'm serious. LORELAI: No, I'm serious. Are you serious? JESS: Why do you keep asking me if I'm serious? LORELAI: Because I'm just trying to imagine the scenario here. You looked at the clock that said it was 7:30 on a Saturday night and you thought to yourself, "Hey, Rory must be home." JESS: Yes. LORELAI: I'm sorry, are you serious? JESS: Okay, I'm guessing that's your way of telling me she's not home. LORELAI: No, Jess, she's not home. JESS: Do you know where she is? LORELAI: She's at the hockey game. JESS: Hey, look, you don't wanna tell me where she is, fine. LORELAI: Jess, she really is at the hockey game. You'd know that if you'd – what, ladies and gentlemen? That's right – bothered to call. JESS: Why are you hassling me? LORELAI: Well, mostly because I'm here to hassle you. Now, if you'd bothered calling, maybe Rory would be here to hassle you. JESS: Hey, Rory knows I'm not the kind of guy who lives by a schedule. LORELAI: Yes, and look what the guy who doesn't live by a schedule ends up doing on a Saturday night – talking to his girlfriend's mother. JESS: Whatever. LORELAI: Hey, Jess. You like music, right? The Beach Boys said it best. None of the guys go steady ‘cause it wouldn't be right to leave their best girls home on a Saturday night. Rory is one of the best girls. She's the best girl, if you want my opinion, and you don't seem to have the first idea as to how she should be treated. JESS: Well, luckily I've got you to tell me. LORELAI: Not anymore. You and I have discussed your relationship with Rory long enough. JESS: Fine. LORELAI: I'll tell her you stopped by. JESS: Don't bother. [leaves] LORELAI: Brian Hutchins is looking pretty good right about now. CUT TO HOCKEY GAME [Rory and Lane are carrying their food back to their seats] RORY: If I had known sports were so much about eating, I would've come to a lot more of these. LANE: I know. There's something deeply satisfying about watching other people exercise while eating junk food. KIRK: Ten minutes ‘til the next period, ladies and gentlemen. That's what we call them in hockey – periods, not halves. Let's try to keep that straight. Also, the puck is never referred to as a ball, not according to the book. Again, my bad. [Rory and Lane see Dean and Lindsay kissing] LANE: I guess it wasn't the Chilton thing after all. CUT TO LATER IN THE HOCKEY GAME KIRK: Number twelve has it now. He's skating, he's skating. My bet is he's going to try to whack it into that net thingy, but that's conjecture at this point. Now it's going the other way and they're hitting it between them. Number seven has it. Now number three. Now seven. Three again. Seven. Ten's got it now. [Dean skates over to Kirk] DEAN: Kirk, just to let you know, some of the guys – not me, you know – but some of the guys say they're gonna rip your head off if you don't shut up, okay? KIRK: We'll be pausing for a short break. CROWD: [cheers] We've got spirit, yes we do! We've got spirit, how about you? LANE: You sure you're okay? RORY: Will you stop asking me that every five seconds? I'm fine. I mean, it had to happen sometime. I didn't expect him to just sit around pining for me. Okay, a little, but she's really nice, right? LANE: This is all my fault. RORY: Lane. LANE: I let you down. I'm supposed to be your eyes and ears in that school, and here's the biggest piece of news all year and I had no idea. RORY: It's okay. LANE: No, it's not. This is an intelligence gaffe of monumental proportions. What was I doing that I didn't notice this? RORY: Studying, taking classes. LANE: Well, no more. RORY: Lane, it's not a big deal, really. And now I know, so, case closed. LANE: You're sure? RORY: Positive. Let's just enjoy the game. PLAYER: No way! KIRK: Excuse me, will you tell me what happened? Excuse me, number fourteen? Number fourteen, could you come back here? CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [The doorbell rings. The maid opens the door. Lorelai is standing there with the slide projector and the box of serving dishes] LORELAI: Hi. Just came to drop off some things. MAID: Oh, I can take those. LORELAI: Oh, great, thanks. [hands them to her] Careful, it's heavy. MAID: Everyone's in the living room if you wanna go in. LORELAI: Uh, if I wanna go in, if I wanna go in. Well, you pose a very deep and philosophical question there, but I think I'll just – [Emily walks over] EMILY: Lorelai. I thought I heard your voice. LORELAI: Yes, I brought the slide machine and the platters and the punch bowl. EMILY: Wonderful. Come in and meet everyone, won't you? LORELAI: I was just gonna do that. [cut to the living room. Trix and her friends are looking at slides] MRS. VAN WYCK: It's obscene. TRIX: It's Picasso. MRS. VAN WYCK: Then Picasso is obscene. TRIX: Oh, Isabelle. MRS. VAN WYCK: It has six breasts. TRIX: You cannot be sure if those are breasts. They could be canons. He was quite obsessed with the Spanish Civil War for awhile. EMILY: Ladies, look who's here. TRIX: Lorelai, wonderful. We all need a break for a moment. Come meet my friends. Emily, we were waiting for iced tea or am I imagining things? EMILY: It's on its way, Mom. TRIX: So is death. Lorelai, this is Mrs. Van Wyck, Mrs. Deerborne, Mrs. Rutherman. This is my granddaughter, Lorelai. LORELAI: Nice to meet you all. TRIX: Well, come, sit. LORELAI: Oh, I don't want to interrupt anything. TRIX: You're interrupting nothing but thirst, my dear. Now, talk to some old women, tell us what it's like to be young. LORELAI: Not nearly as much fun since the mandatory sunscreen rule, I'll tell ya. [the maid brings in a platter] EMILY: Here we go, iced tea and sandwiches. TRIX: [picks up a glass] Too warm. Do you know that Lorelai's daughter is graduating from Chilton in June? [Emily walks over to the drink cart to put ice in the glass] EMILY: [sings] Love in the afternoon. . . TRIX: She is an excellent student and may. . . EMILY: La, la, la, la, la. . . TRIX: Emily, what are you doing? EMILY: I'm sorry? TRIX: Why are you singing like that? EMILY: Was I signing? I didn't realize. Here's your tea, Mom. I certainly hope it's cold enough. LORELAI: Um, I brought the slide projector over. Would you like me to set it up? TRIX: That would be fine. We can start watching now since I do not anticipate dinner being served anywhere near the time I requested. EMILY: [sings] Our hearts are filled with joy. . . TRIX: Emily you're doing it again. EMILY: I was? TRIX: Yes, you were. EMILY: Huh. You know, it's because I caught some of "Love in the Afternoon" the other day, the movie. Have you seen it, Mom? TRIX: I don't believe I have. EMILY: Oh, well, it's wonderful. And a wonderful concept, too, don't you think? Anyway, I must have the music stuck in my head. That must be why I'm singing it. I mean, what else could it be, hm? LORELAI: Hey, Mom, how ‘bout we go get some of that cheese you bought for the ladies, huh? I'll help you. Come on. We'll be right back. [Lorelai and Emily walk into the kitchen] LORELAI: Okay, what is going on? EMILY: I saw her kissing a man. LORELAI: What? EMILY: When I came home today, I walked in and I saw her standing in the living room kissing a man. LORELAI: Gran? EMILY: Yes. LORELAI: My Gran? EMILY: Yes. LORELAI: My Gran was kissing a man? EMILY: In a purple velour jogging suit. LORELAI: Gran was in a purple velour jogging suit? EMILY: No, the man was wearing a purple jogging suit. LORELAI: And you're sure they were kissing? EMILY: One hundred percent sure. LORELAI: My God. Was he hot? EMILY: Excuse me? LORELAI: Well, I don't know what you're supposed to ask when you hear your grandmother's been making out with a guy. EMILY: I don't know if he was hot. Your grandmother sucking face was blocking my view. LORELAI: What'd she do? Did she see you? EMILY: No. After my heart started back up again, I went outside and hid in the bushes until he left. LORELAI: Okay, now I have two really good visuals fighting for top billing here. EMILY: Do you realize how wonderful this is? LORELAI: Yeah, I guess it's wonderful, Gran has a guy. EMILY: No, what's wonderful is after all these years of her abuse, her condescension, her insults and her degrading comments, after all these years of pure unadulterated hell, I finally have something to hold over her. LORELAI: Oh, Mom. EMILY: Finally, I have the upper hand. Finally, I have something to nail her with. Finally, that woman is going down. LORELAI: You cannot use this against Gran. EMILY: Yes, I can, I've earned it. LORELAI: Mom, I know Gran gives you a hard time, but she did not tell anyone about this guy for a reason. EMILY: Yes, because she's embarrassed. She should be. He was dressed like a bookie. LORELAI: You have to be above this. EMILY: No, I don't have to be above this. LORELAI: You're seriously telling me that you're gonna be the one to go out there and humiliate Gran in front of her friends, in front of her family. Just think about it, Mom. What would Miss Manners do? EMILY: It's not fair. LORELAI: Gran will be back in her own house soon. EMILY: I know, you're right. LORELAI: Just hang on ‘til then. EMILY: All right, let's go back in there and get this evening over with. LORELAI: You're a stand up lady, Emily Gilmore, you know that? EMILY: Oh really? Well, that makes me feel so much better. [they walk back to the living room] MRS. VAN WYCK: And is this normal, Richard, to be getting home from work so late? RICHARD: Oh, that's one of the pitfalls of starting your own business, I'm afraid. TRIX: You should say, of starting a successful business, Richard. RICHARD: Successful so far, Trix. Let's not jinx it. TRIX: Though, perhaps if Emily could have the meal served on time, Richard would have more inducement to get home at a reasonable hour. EMILY: I saw her kissing a man in a track suit! RICHARD: What? TRIX: Emily! CUT TO HOCKEY GAME [The game is over. People are filing out of the stands] KIRK: Well, ladies and gentlemen, much like the Israelites of Yore, the Stars Hollow Minutemen languished in the desert for forty years. But tonight, there was no Promised Land, no New Canaan, only a humiliating five to one defeat at the merciless hands of the West Hartford Wildcats. So it's back to the desert for the Minutemen, perhaps for another forty years. Of course, by then, I'll be seventy years old. A lot of the rest of you will probably be dead. Taylor, you'll be dead. Babette, Miss Patty. . .that man there in the hat. LANE: Hey, if we run, we might be able to catch the last few minutes of the band. RORY: Yeah, I don't think the pint of liquid cheese in my stomach is going to allow for much running. LANE: I'll call you tomorrow. RORY: Definitely. Have fun. YOUNG CHUI: Bye. RORY: Bye. DEAN: Hey. RORY: Dean. Hey, how are you? Oh, God, that's a stupid question to ask someone who just lost the regional semi-finals, isn't it? And now it sounds like I'm rubbing your face in it. DEAN: Don't worry about it. They were better than us, they deserved to win. RORY: And hey, at least you got a point. That's good, right? I mean, better than not getting any. Geez, I really suck at this post-sports talk. DEAN: Well, you haven't had much practice. RORY: True. But who knows, I might be a sports convert. I mean, the eating of massive amounts of junk food, and listening to Kirk make a fool of himself in front of a bunch of people – all things I enjoy. DEAN: In fact, you could almost get rid of the sports part of it. RORY: That's what I was going to say. So, I ran into Lindsay. DEAN: Yeah, I hadn't quite figured out how to tell you that. RORY: Well, I think it's great. DEAN: You do? RORY: Absolutely. I mean, she's cute and smart and really nice. DEAN: I know. RORY: Like once, in fourth grade, we went on a field trip to Mark Twain's house, and I really wanted this refrigerator magnet in the shape of Mark Twain's head, but I didn't have any money, so she bought it for me, and she wouldn't even let me pay her back. Pretty classy for a fourth grader. DEAN: That sounds like Lindsay. RORY: Exactly. So, good job, mister. DEAN: Thanks. So, how are things with Jess? RORY: Oh, good, good. DEAN: He's not with you? RORY: No. This really isn't his kind of thing. DEAN: Yeah. Well, uh, I'd better go. I gotta change and then Lindsay and I are going out. RORY: Right. Sure. Have fun. [Dean leaves. Rory walks to a pay phone and calls Jess] LUKE: [on answering machine] You've reached Luke Danes and Jess Mariano, leave a message. RORY: It's me. I just wanted to let you know that this is the last weekend I spend sitting around like an idiot hoping you'll call, okay? I'm not going to be that girl. From now on, I want a plan. I mean, a real plan with a time and a place, and I'm tired of hearing ‘Let's hook up later.' What does that mean anyway? What's later? How do I set my watch to later? Later doesn't cut it anymore, got it? And, yeah, you know, maybe I am spoiled. But guess what? I like being spoiled. I plan to go on being spoiled. And if that doesn't sound like something that you can or want to do, then fine. I'm sure you'll find another girl who doesn't mind sitting around cleaning her keyboard on a Friday night hoping you'll call, but it's not going to be me. Oh, yeah, this is a message for Jess. [Rory walks outside and sees Jess leaning against his car] JESS: Hey. Figured I'd find you here. I mean, you say the word hockey, you say the word Rory, right? RORY: What are you doing here? JESS: Came to give you these. RORY: Earplugs. What are these for? JESS: I got tickets to the Distillers. RORY: You did? For when? JESS: For tonight. RORY: Tonight? But – JESS: I would've been here sooner, but I had to wait in line. So we should probably get going. I mean, we don't wanna miss anything, right? RORY: Hey, Jess? JESS: Yeah? RORY: When you get home, could you erase your answering machine without listening to any of the messages? That'd be great, thanks. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Trix is lying in bed. There's a knock at the door] GRAN: Come in. [Emily walks in] EMILY: I brought you some aspirin. It's the buffered kind that you like. Is there anything else that you need? GRAN: No, thank you. EMILY: Mom, I want to apologize for what I said downstairs. I had no right to humiliate you like that, in front of your friends, in front of Richard. This relationship was something you had chosen to keep private and I should have respected that. I am truly sorry. He seemed like a very nice man. Why didn't you tell anyone about him? GRAN: I married once, I married Richard's father. That was my husband. I have no desire to marry again and dishonor his memory. EMILY: I understand. GRAN: I believe a woman marries for life. If, after your husband is gone, you desperately desire some sort of permanent attachment, add an addition onto the house – a library or a solarium. I have a library and a solarium. EMILY: Yes, you do. GRAN: However, in spite of all this, I found myself getting lonely. And I don't care for being lonely, it's quite annoying. So many years ago, I met a man, and he became my companion. Tonight, both he and I were both publicly humiliated and our relationship altered forever. Can you imagine how that feels? EMILY: Actually, I've had a little experience with being humiliated in front of the people I love, yes. Mom, please believe me, I know how important your pride is to you, and I never had any intention of robbing you of it. I feel terrible that I caused you any pain. I just wish that once in awhile, you might feel a little bit terrible that you cause me pain. I have pride, too, you know. And my husband travels and is very busy and I miss him and I'm lonely sometimes, just like you. GRAN: Well. CUT TO DOWNSTAIRS [Lorelai and Richard are in the living room] LORELAI: So that was quite a gathering. RICHARD: Yes, it was. LORELAI: It would make a great Christmas story. I mean, I know it didn't happen at Christmas, but it's the kind of thing that would happen at Christmas, so it's not like if you told someone it did happen at Christmas, they'd go, ‘Really? ‘Cause it doesn't sound like a Christmas story.' Thanksgiving would probably work also. Listen, Dad, I know you're a little upset with Mom right now, and I'm probably out of line in saying this, but you might wanna think about cutting her some slack. She's really missed you lately. I mean, you work so much and then you're helping Gran in your free time, which is totally understandable, but still, it's hard. As much as Gran likes you, she tends to be a littler rough on Mom, and I think Mom just kind of snapped. She'd never do anything like that intentionally. You do know that, Dad, right? [Richard starts laughing] LORELAI: Dad? Okay, apparently it's two-for-one flip out night at the Gilmore house. RICHARD: Do you really think he was wearing a track suit? LORELAI: I don't. . . RICHARD: Well, I wonder if he was wearing Nike's also. LORELAI: Just Do It takes on a whole new meaning, doesn't it? RICHARD: I guess I've got a new daddy. LORELAI: Maybe he'll take you to ball games. RICHARD: Oh, we could get matching jogging suits. Oh, if only I could've seen Emily hiding in the bushes. It's like a play by Moliere. [Emily walks down the steps] EMILY: What are you two cackling about? RICHARD: Oh, nothing. LORELAI: Yeah, nothing. EMILY: Well, don't stop on my account. I'm just passing through. RICHARD: Where are you going? EMILY: We're going to have tea. LORELAI: They're going to have tea? RICHARD: That's a first. LORELAI: Maybe they're going to be pals now. RICHARD: I don't know how I feel about my mother and my wife being in cahoots. LORELAI: I don't know how I feel about you saying the word cahoots. RICHARD: Well, this alliance could make things very uncomfortable for me. [Emily walks past them with a tray of tea] EMILY: Sending a maid down to tell me how to make tea, as if I don't know after all these years. Guess she'll have a coronary if the water hits the cup one second before the bag. LORELAI: I think you're safe. RICHARD: I think so, too. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is eating at the kitchen table when Rory comes home] LORELAI: Hey, how was the game? RORY: Fun, we got clobbered. LORELAI: Oh. If you'd won, you could've rioted through town trashing storefronts and torching police cars like they do in L.A. RORY: Maybe next year. LORELAI: What'd you do after? RORY: Oh, you know, just hung out. LORELAI: With Lane and her fake boyfriend? RORY: Uh huh. I thought you were eating at Grandma's. LORELAI: Oh, yes, and there's a story behind that. RORY: Can it wait ‘til tomorrow? I'm really exhausted. LORELAI: It's a good story. RORY: I'm sure. I just won't be able to fully appreciate it in my weakened state. And this gives you extra time to practice your voices. LORELAI: Fine, fine. Let me just say two words – jogging suit. RORY: Jogging suit. LORELAI: See, you're hooked. RORY: Yeah, well, now I'm definitely waking up tomorrow. LORELAI: Night honey. RORY: Night Mom. [Rory walks into her bedroom and lies down on her bed]

Plan: A: The Doose clan; Q: Who invades the Inn for their family reunion? A: Trix; Q: Who comes for a short visit? A: Young Chui; Q: Who does Lane and Dave cook up a fake-date scheme with? A: a little jealousy; Q: What is Dave not immune to? A: The Stars Hollow High hockey team; Q: Who reaches the regional semifinals for the first time in 40 years? A: the monster truck rally; Q: What event is happening at the same time as the hockey game? A: Kirk; Q: Who does the play-by-play at the hockey game? A: Lorelai's advice; Q: What does Rory take? A: the hockey game; Q: What does Rory go to after Jess doesn't want to go out? A: Lindsay; Q: Who is Dean's new girlfriend? Summary: The Doose clan invades the Inn for their family reunion. Trix comes for a short visit and drives Emily crazy until Emily finally finds something scandalous to hold over Trix's head. Lane and Dave cook up a fake-date scheme with Young Chui to get Mrs. Kim to allow Lane to date Dave, but neither Young Chui's real girlfriend or Dave is immune to a little jealousy. The Stars Hollow High hockey team reaches the regional semifinals for the first time in 40 years and everyone not attending the monster truck rally turns out to cheer the team on and endure Kirk's hopelessly inept play-by-play. After Jess's too laid-back attitude about going out leaves Rory sitting home alone for most of the weekend, she takes Lorelai's advice and heads for the hockey game, where she discovers that Dean has a new girlfriend, Lindsay.

CRU - Street Calvin : Hey! Rusty : Hey. Calvin : I've been chasing after you for the last 100 yards. Thought you were trying to ignore me. Rusty : No. Sorry. I'm just really into this book. Calvin : Animal farm. Cautionary tale of power, as told through farm animals who overthrow their human masters. Rusty : Four legs good. Two legs bad. You know, just because you made a colossal mistake going back to Omega Chi doesn't mean I'd ignore you. Calvin : No. I thought you were just too embarrassed to talk to me. Rusty : Embarrassed? Calvin : Yeah, seeing as how you blatantly used me to get back at Evan. Rusty : Yeah, I guess we both got a little carried away. Calvin : Yeah, we did. One second. Cellphones ring. Rusty's cellphone (Cappie) : All pledges report to the Kappa Tau house immediately. Justice has been served. Rusty : Everything okay? Calvin : Yeah, you know, just house stuff. If I told you i'd have to kill you. So... Rusty : Me too. I'll see you later. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Ashleigh : Okay, how's my top? Casey : There's some cleavage showing. Just think what your grandmother would want you to wear. Ashleigh : My grandmother bought me this top. Casey : Here. Just until we get out of the house, and then we're good to go. Ashleigh : I Miss looking cute. I Miss cute boys! Lizzi's rules are totally robbing us of our college experience. She makes us go to bed at 10:00... So I wake up at 4:00. And do you think it's fun watching all the drunk couples make out on Greek row when I know that I should be there? Casey : I know how challenging it's been to have Lizzi here. We've hit rock-bottom. But that means there's nowhere to go but up. Lizzi : Ladies, foyer, please! We have visitors! ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Lizzi : May I have your attention? As a reward for all of your hard work and dedication, I'm very proud to announce that this saturday I have arranged for us to have... A mixer! So let's meet our guests and show them the new Zeta Beta Zeta. Casey : The Psi Phi Pis. Ashleigh : They're "pstoked"? Casey : I believe the "P" is silent. Ashleigh : Much like the cry of despair inside me right now. I think we've hit a new rock bottom. Psi Phi Pi : Hello. Credits KT HOUSE - Living room Cappie : Fellow defenders of the free and easy world. As you all know, we recently suffered a grave indignity at the hands of the enemy who seeks to destroy ourway of life. I refer, of course, to... A certain fraternity and a certain member of said fraternity who tipped off our good friend officer huck about the prohibition party. Ben Bennett : Omega Chi. Wade : Evan Chambers. Cappie : They are not worthy of names. But they do however, deserve our help. Beav? As a one-time photography minor, what really interests me about this particular study is that it is completely unretouched. Give 'em one of these, one of those. Give 'em some big teefers. All right, boys, line up. Let's see if we can't make this fine showpiece complete. Ben bennett, get up there. Time to shine. Come on. Rusty : Are we gonna sneak the picture back into the Omega Chi house? Cappie : Green as a young sapling. We're not going back to the Omega Chi house. Wade : We're gonna wait for Omega Chi to come to us. Cappie : Now... Get your draw on, son. We're goin'to battle. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Ashleigh : Every second that banner stays up here is a permanent scar on our reputation. It's like a stretch mark. Casey : I'm gonna need your help if we're going to fix this. Ashleigh : Anything. Casey : You're social chair. Do you think you can convince the Psi Phi Pis to back out of the mixer without making it look like they dumped us? Ashleigh : Challenging, but doable. What are you gonna do? Casey : I'll take care of Lizzi. Somehow. We've ignored her, snuck around her, gone along with her. It just keeps getting worse. Lizzi : I think a little higher on the right, and then it'll be perfecto. Ashleigh : You know, she plays it straight, but she's gotta have a past too. Maybe she's got, like, dead people in her closet. You did blackmail Rebecca. Casey : And if Lizzi were a diva demon like Rebecca, it would be much easier. But she's so freakin'perky and nice. KT HOUSE - Dark living room Cappie : Suit yourself. Won't be long now. Rusty : You said that two hours ago. Cappie : Is that fear I sense in you, son? Or are you just quivering with anticipation? I wish I knew what I was anticipating. Rusty : Why are you speaking with a southern accent? It's the chaw. Listen. Nobody can predict the twisted mind of the Omega Chi. But they're coming, spitter. They're coming hard. They ain't gonna come polite. Nobody's gonna be ringin'that doorbell. Doorbell rings. Cappie : Doorbell. Doorbell. We've got doorbell. Hot alert. Red leader? Wade : Red team is go. Cappie : White leader? Ben Bennett : White team is go. Cappie : Blue leader? Blue leader. Beaver : I ordered a pizza. And we all learn the lesson : pack a snack. Here. Go get the pizza. Rusty : What if it's the Omega Chis? Cappie : Then tip them poorly. And nail them with hot sauce. We'll be right behind you. Go on. Sweet moves. Rusty : Calvin. What are you doing here? Calvin : Sorry, Rusty. Rusty : Sorry for what? Calvin : Sorry for this. Rusty : Fish smell! Fish smell! Wade : We have breach. Cappie : Stand by. Stand by. Hit the lights! Omega chis : There it is! Cappie : Go, go, go! Omega chi : Go, go, go! Cappie : Spitter, let's go, let's go! Omega chis : I can't see! Go, go, go Kappa Taus : We got 'em! Cappie : This is gonna be fun. Rusty : Omega Chis! Kappa Taus : These guys were just decoys! Cappie : Ambush. Mobilize. Mobilize! Rusty : Run! Evan : Go, go, go! All : Get down, everybody! Get down! Beaver : Hold the fence! All : Don't breathe it! Pizza man : Got a large meat lovers for beaver? Rusty : Over here. Keep the change. Pizza man : Enjoy your pie. ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room Lizzi : Egg whites and fruit? You're so healthy. Casey : Discipline has become a theme in my life, thanks to you. Deep down, I think we've all been craving the structure you've brought to the house. Lizzi : That makes me so happy. And I'm so proud of our little ZBZ kittens. Casey : As... are we all. And I'm thinking that it would really benefit the sisterhood to have a sense of when we... As ZBZ kittens. Are ready to, be weaned... From your... Teat? Lizzi : You wanna know what it's gonna take to get me gone. Casey : We don't want to be a burden. There must be other chapters in need of your considerable talents. If we had a chart, perhaps... Lizzi : A chart! That would be so cool! Casey : Yes. Lizzi : But no. This chapter's independence is solely up to my own discretion. And, in my mind, there's really only one thing left for you to do to prove that you're all back on the right path. You and I are going on a field trip. CRU - Psychiatric ward Casey : So you want us to do more philanthropy? That's it? Lizzi : Not exactly. It does involve a little selflessness, though. Casey : Frannie? Lizzi : Your lost ZBZ sister. Casey : I thought Frannie was insane last semester, but I never... CRU - Psychiatric ward - A few minutes later Casey : So, you've known where Frannie's been this whole time. Lizzi : Frannie contacted me almost immediately after I arrived at ZBZ. And she made it clear that she has deep regrets for her actions, and she wanted to make things right. Casey : And you believed her. Frannie : Casey, I sincerely understand your skepticism. Casey : You do? Frannie : I have been selfish and controlling... Well, most of my life. But being away has helped me gain some perspective. Take a hard, honest look at myself and figure out what I have to do to change. Lizzi : And since Frannie left, she has logged so many volunteer hours that if she were still a ZBZ in good standing, the cru chapter would be leading the race right now for the national philanthropy cup. Casey : Great. But... We suspended her for abandoning the sority. Lizzi : A simple majority vote can overturn that suspension. We'd hold the diamond ceremony in which Frannie pledges her eternal loyalty to the sisters. And then each and every girl would have to accept. Frannie : I wanna come back to ZBZ, Casey. Casey : And I want Jessica Simpson to stop putting out CDS, but you can't always get what you want. She nearly cost us our charter. Lizzi : Forgiveness is the supreme act of sisterhood. You asked me what you could do to regain your independence. This is it. Heal ZBZ's most painful internal wound. CRU - Street Ashleigh : Jason? Hi. I'm ashleigh. Jason : It's weird how we all look the same. Ashleigh : You're Psi Phi Pi social chair Jason? Jason : Yeah. Ashleigh : Sorry. So. Jason : You're desperately looking for a way out of the mixer. Ashleigh : Not... desperately. Jason : Why don't you just cancel? Ashleigh : Well, we're... Sort of under the thumb of this rules-obsessed woman who's totally out of touch with stuff. Jason : Like social hierarchy and that sort of thing. Ashleigh : No, that's not what I meant. Jason : Sure. So since you can't back out of the mixer, you want us to. Which is fine. Consider it done. Ashleigh : Well, you know, it's not what you think. Our social calendar is really limited, and we have to consider our entire year when we make plans. Jason : Any smart social chair would. Like I said, consider it done. Ashleigh : Fine. Did you just call me smart? Jason : Is that a problem? Ashleigh : I just don't want there to be any hard feelings here. Jason : There aren't any. Ashleigh : Well, I think there are. Jason : Okay. There are. Let's, have some coffee and discuss it. Ashleigh : Thank you! KT HOUSE - Living room Rusty : Do I still smell like fish? Ben Bennett : We all still smell like fish, spitter. Cappie : Get your daggum chins out your shoestrings. Okay, now. My Grandcappie used to tell me that the true test of a solider don't come until you're full of holes and ain't got no bullets left. Now, we may be bleedin' and shooting blanks. We may smell like the stuff you find at the bottom of a catfish barrel, but this ain't over! Beaver : This ain't even close to bein'over! Cappie : It kinda feels over. Hot sauce in my chaw pouch. Pledge. Thank you. That's because you don't know about the counterattack, beav. Ben Bennett : What... counterattack? Cappie : The biggest one ever. Yeah. Wade : Who's planning it? Cappie : Beaver. Yeah. And me. And wade. And whoever else has the persimmons to pull themselves out of the pity pool and reload like a true Kappa Tau. Now, who's in? I said who's in? Ben Bennett : Yeah. All : Yeah... Cappie : Come on. Rusty : Hey, Cap, can I talk to you? Cappie : Yeah. Morale's low, spitter. What do you got for me? Rusty : I hate Evan as much as you do, for many reasons. But if we launch a counterattack, the Omega Chis are gonna counter our counterattack. And then we'll counter their counter of our counterattack, and it'll go on and on and on until dean bowman busts us or someone gets really hurt. I mean, it's like, what's the point? Cappie : What's the... What's the point in defending the honor of a bunch of guys who vowed to protect you as you have them? I'm sorry, spitter. I don't really know how to answer that one. Keep working! ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Frannie : And I really want to apologize for calling you stout. You're not. And Mandi, I am so, so sorry I told you your boyfriend was gay. Mandi : You never told me that. Frannie : Well... i was... Certainly thinking it. And I'm deeply sorry for that. Casey : The sisters are way too smart to buy her "thank you, India" act. Ashleigh : Although she does kinda look like alanis. What? Like with her hair like that. Frannie : Heather, if going plaid is your plan, then it's my plan too. Mandi : Is it true that if Frannie's reinstated, lizzi will be gone? Casey : Did Frannie tell you that? Mandi : Is it true or not? Casey : There would have to be a majority vote of the sisterhood to Even consider bringing her back. Then we hold this really complicated ceremony, and there the decision has to be unanimous to let her back in. I know you guys want Lizzi gone, but do you seriously think Frannie has changed? Think about how she treated you. Then ask yourself if you really want to go through that again. Lizzi : It looks like our friends over at Psi Phi Pi have made this saturday's big event... The biggest news on campus. I'm so excited! Mandi : I think I'm ready to vote. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Ashleigh : I can't believe no one else had the guts to vote against holding the diamond ceremony. I feel so antiwar right now. Casey : Lizzi's been so annoying, everybody's forgotten had bad Frannie really is. Ashleigh : And now she's back. Casey : Not necessarily. All it takes is one sister to say no during the diamond ceremony to keep her out. Ashleigh : I don't know much about politics other than it's the only time it's okay to wear buttons. But, as president, aren't you supposed to follow the wishes of the sisterhood? Casey : Not if it hurts us in the long run. And you're one to talk, by the way. What happened to getting the PPPs to back out of the mixer? Did you talk to their social chair? Ashleigh : Yes, I did. And they said they would back out. But then. I don't know. We ended up having coffee, and then... somehow the mixer ended up being back on. And... I don't know. Casey : You had coffee with the Psi Phi Pi social chair? And now you like him? Ashleigh : He's totally awkward and smart in the least attractive way. Still, there's something about him. Casey : Really. Could it be that... I don't know, he's a guy? You said it yourself. You miss boys. Ashleigh : I know that, but this is different. I've never met Jason before, and yet, it's like I've known him forever. And I know it's totally creepy, but at the same time... Disturbingly hot. CRU - Street Casey : Make a little room for me? Rusty : Might not wanna get too close. I smell like an ahi burrito. Casey : Let me guess... Fish oil and hot sauce. Rusty : You heard? Casey : I heard. Rusty : It's kinda stupid, huh? Casey : If it wasn't stupid, it wouldn't be boys fighting. You ever feel like everybody around you has completely lost their mind? Rusty : Last night when I was under the barbecue, I saw Beaver smearing mayonnaise on an Omega Chi pledge. Casey : People are who they are. Just because one says they're gonna be different doesn't mean they will be. Rusty : Same goes for pigs. Casey : See? You're all crazy. Rusty : It's an allegory using barnyard animals to criticize the russian revolution. How even the purest minds can be corrupted by leaders who are addicted to power. Casey : Sounds alarmingly familiar. Rusty : You read it? Casey : No. But Frannie's doing this whole born again nice person act, everybody wants her reinstated but me. Rusty : Wasn't she gone? Casey : She's back, and since I'm the leader of the resistance, which is basically just me and Ashleigh, Lizzi makes me go through mediation. Rusty : Mediation. Casey : Yeah. Rusty : That's actually a really good idea. Casey : I doubt it. Rusty : You never know until you try. ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room Lizzi : Phase one of mediation is airing of grievances. There can be no yelling, no interrupting, no scoffing, and no face making. And to avoid accusations, each point of interest must begin with the words "I feel." Casey ? Casey : I feel... that Frannie put the entire sisterhood in jeopardy by advocating a policy of dishonesty in handling our crisis with Nationals. I also feel that her abuse of chapter funds and decision to leave the house after being removed as president showed that the well-being of the sisterhood was not her primary concern. Lizzi : That was very well done. Frannie, it's your turn. Frannie : I feel... that... I have no grievances to air. Casey : Pfff. Lizzi : Casey ? Was that a scoff? Casey : A... hiccup? Sorry. Lizzi : All right. Casey, What, specifically, do you need from Frannie in order to accept her back? Not only into Zeta Beta Zeta, but back into your heart. Casey : I need... Lizzi : I feel. Casey : I feel. I don't know. That I need Frannie to... make things right. Frannie : I feel that... I can't do anything to change the past. But I promise... to do everything I can as a sister and a friend to redeem myself in the present. Lizzi : Casey, Is that satisfactory? Casey : I'm sorry, it's not. Lizzi : What's the problem? Casey : She doesn't mean it. How can I be the only one to see? Lizzi : Violation. Frannie : Casey. Casey : This is just not going to happen. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Casey : I'd like my privacy. Frannie opens the door. Casey : Perfect. Frannie : I know you're upset, and I honor that. I just thought if... We spoke privately, we could get underneath... what's bothering you. Casey : You are what's bothering me. There's nothing to get underneath. Frannie : I'm really trying here. Maybe you could do the same. Casey : Please. You and I both know that nice Frannie is just a new way to manipulate people. It's what you've always done. Frannie : You have a selective memory. Casey : And here are the memories I've selected. You wanted to give my room to Rebecca because of her father's private jet. You tried to sabotage my chances to become Omega Chi Sweetheart. You guilted me into staying with Evan after he cheated on me. Then when our relationship was no longer helpful to you, you broke us up. Are there some other highlights I've missed? Frannie : Look... I've done my best to take responsibility for my mistakes. But you act like I made you stay with Evan. It was your choice. It was also your choice to haze Rebecca out of spite, which put me in the awkward position of having to discipline my little sister. Who eventually... Went behind my back to Tegan and stole my presidency. Casey : I didn't steal your presidency. I did what I had to do to save the house. Frannie : You should have talked to me first. Casey : And you should have been a friend. But you were completely incapable of doing that. Frannie : You don't want me here? Fine. Good luck spending the rest of the year with Lizzi. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Garden Rusty : Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. Calvin : This is a bad idea. Rusty : It's a great idea. Shouldn't we be able to be in separate fraternities and still have a normal friendship? Calvin : But right now, things are still totally agro. And Cappie and Evan hate each other. Rusty : Exactly. That's my whole point. Calvin : Now is not the time, okay? Please don't do this. Rusty : Calvin, I have to do this. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Hallway Omega Chi guy : You lost Cartright? Rusty : I'm not lost. I'm here to make a proposition. Omega Chi guy : My proposition is we clean the toilet with his brillo head. Evan : Let's hear what he has to say. Rusty : I'm here to make a case for peace between Omega Chi and Kappa Tau. Evan : Pipe it, guys. Come on, look, he had the nuts to walk in here alone. Give him a chance to say his piece. Go ahead. Rusty : I know there are plenty of good guys in this fraternity. There are plenty of good guys in Kappa Tau. So here's my question : why are we enemies? I'll tell you why. Because we let a conflict between two people or maybe three people become a war involving us all. Are we just barnyard animals, blindly following our leader into a battle we don't even understand? Or are we intelligent people who see the value in an alliance between the two best fraternities on campus? If we work together, we can make this happen. It all starts with getting the people that have a problem with each other in the same room and helping them solve their diff... CRU-Street Rusty : Oowww !! Cappie : Officer Huck. Hey. How's the fungus coming along? Cop : Save it. He one of yours? Cappie : Our best and brightest. Cop : Who's responsible for the prank? I want names. Calvin : Think he's ratting us out right now? Evan : No. Cappie's gonna want revenge on his own terms. He's probably just telling Officer Huck some lame story to make him go away. Cappie : It's actually a physics experiment. Gone awry. Cop : A physics experiment? Cappie : How heat affects the molecular structure of lode-bearing adhesives, which, as, I'm sure you know, creates a highly volatile results set. Spitter, You okay, buddy? You hang in there, okay? Calvin : Kinda feel bad about this. Evan : He knew what he was getting into when he walked into the house. Calvin : True. Evan : Do you feel bad 'cause you really believe we shouldn't have done it, or because you're worried about what Rusty will think? There's a difference. [SCENE_BREAK] CRU-Street Casey : Everybody always says that leadership is about compromise, I never thought I'd have to make a decision like this. Jason : You girls take everything so seriously. In the grand scheme of things, who gets to live in a sorority house? It's pretty meaningless. Casey : Excuse me? Ashleigh : Casey, Did I tell you that Jason is an astrophysics major? He knows Rusty. Jason : Could you get us some more macchiatos? Ashleigh : Sure. Jason : Single shot of espresso. Small dollop of foam. Ashleigh : Right. Jason : I know of your brother. But he's a... A polymer engineer. So it's not like we have a lot to talk about. Casey : That's weird. Jason : Not really. Polymers are as interesting as a dirt sandwich. Casey : What's weird is I feel like I've met you before. Jason : Highly unlikely. I am gonna go hit the head, Carrie. Casey : It's Casey. Jason : Right. I'm sorry. I'm so bad with names. Casey : Bad with... My God, that's it! Ashleigh : Where's Jason? Casey : In the bathroom. Remember how you said you felt like you've known this guy forever? Ashleigh : Yeah. Casey : Well, it only seems like forever. The truth is, you've known him for the past seven years. Jason is Travis. In a dork suit. Ashleigh : Jason is nothing like Travis. Travis was tall and hot. Casey : And... Ashleigh : And rude, arrogant and disrespectful. Casey : And had you fetching drinks you don't even like. He called me Carrie. Ashleigh : Oh my gosh ! I am so... daytime talk show material. What is wrong with me? Casey : Well, maybe you didn't find him so much attractive but familiar. We all repeat patterns. Ashleigh : No. I thought he was attractive. And that's a pattern that's gonna end right now. Come with me. CRU - Man Bathroom Jason : Wow Ashleigh : Listen up, Jason. Or should I say Travis? You... go find a tree. I spent seven years letting you make me feel like I wasn't pretty or smart or refined enough to be worthy. And I'm not gonna do it anymore. I'm not gonna be attracted this anymore. Because I am smart, and I'm hot, and nobody I spend time with is gonna disrespect me or my friends... ever. So you know what you're gonna do now? You're gonna go back to your house, and you're gonna say that as social chair, you think it's in everybody's best interest to cancel the mixer. Jason : Why would I do that? Ashleigh : Because, if you don't, I'll tell everyone what I saw. Or, actually, didn't see while I was in here. Casey : I think... We can go now. Ashleigh : Yes, we can. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Calvin : Hey. Just came by to, you know, see how you're doing. Rusty : And then what? You and the brothers gonna go club some baby seals? Calvin : Well, are they Kappa Tau baby seals? Because maybe... Come on. Rusty, it was a college prank, all right? You can't take it so personally. Rusty : It's funny you say that, 'cause I keep thinking how it would have played out if you'd gone to the Kappa Tau house. I never would have let that same thing happen to you. Calvin : I warned you, all right? I told you going in it was not a good idea. You didn't listen. Rusty : They abducted me and taped me to the side of a building. You did nothing to stop it. Calvin : It was a prank! Come on. Rusty : I've got studying to do. Calvin : Okay. ZBZ HOUSE - Lizzi 's office Lizzi : Since I'm gonna be staying until the end of the year, I thought I would make my room a little homier. And this danish furniture... It's so snazzy! And economical. Now, I am all about this farnsek bureau... Casey : Lizzi. Lizzi : But maybe the blogaard bookshelf would just be a more practical use of my space. Casey : Is there some other thing we can do as sisters to be independent other than readmitting Frannie? Lizzi : Wish there was, Casey. That's the only solution. Casey : I know you said forgiveness is the ultimate act of sisterhood. But how can I do something when every fiber of my being tells me it's wrong? Lizzi : Read this. Casey : I read this as a pledge. It's not like there's some ritual for behavior modification. Lizzi : Sometimes a second, closer examination can reveal things you didn't see before. Now, if I go with the blogaard bookshelf, I'm totally getting the smeglon nightstand. KT HOUSE - Living room Rusty : Hey, Cappie. Cappie : Spitter, good to see you're out and about. Here, come check these out. Schematics of the Omega Chi house. First drawn in 1979. Then carefully added to and adjusted by each class ever since. Egyptian Joe, head of the plumbing after the war of'04. The only thing we don't have is the air vents. Rusty : These will help. You still looking for a counterattack idea? Cappie : Well, I was waiting for inspiration to strike at any moment. Unless you've got something. Rusty : Yeah. I think I do. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Casey : To reaffirm the spirit and foundation of the Diamond Ceremony, we will begin with the sacred Zeta Beta Zeta pledge of sisterhood. To the sisterhood, we pledge truth... Loyalty, and sority. All : "Unrestricted, our commitment." "Unconditional, our allegiance." "With hearts and souls that are forevermore" "Zeta Beta Zeta." Frannie : With humility, I pledge my soul to Zeta Beta Zeta. Lizzi : I accept your pledge. And I welcome you back into my heart. Frannie : With humility, I pledge my soul to Zeta Beta Zeta. Mandi : I accept your pledge. And I welcome you back into my heart. Frannie : With humility, I pledge my soul to Zeta Beta Zeta. Ashleigh : I accept your pledge and welcome you back into my heart. Frannie : With humility, I pledge my soul to Zeta Beta Zeta. Casey : I accept your pledge and welcome you back into my heart. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Evan's room Evan : Stop it. You gotta stop. Casey... That's a cow! That's a cow! OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Garden Cappie : Truly inspired idea, spitter. How do you feel? Rusty : Good. I feel good. Guess we'd better reinforce the house before they strike back. Evan : Hey! Cappie : Too late. Quite a mixer you boys must have had last night. Is this a new sorority, or... Evan : You will pay for this. Cop : Chambers. Dean bowman wants names and specifics. Evan : Yeah. Cappie : You take us down, and you will go with us. Or... Evan : Or what? Cappie : Or... we let things cool off, turn our swords into plowshares for the time being. Evan : For the time being. Cop : Chambers! Evan : For the time being. Wade : We're gonna start farming? Cappie : Perhaps, Wade. Perhaps. But it will be the memories of this victory that sustain us until the fires of war burn again. Let's go get some pizza. ZBZ HOUSE - Garden Frannie : Who better to be my welcoming committee? I thought I'd start moving back in gradually. I'm so glad we were able to come to this agreement. It's good to be home. Casey : I'm glad too. But I wish you had called before you packed everything up. Frannie : Is Lizzi still in my room? I don't mind waiting. Casey : Are you familiar with rule 57q in the ZBZ book of rules and ritual? Frannie : 57q. Casey : It states that the ZBZ president has the right To put recently reinstated members on probation. Frannie : It does. Casey : Yes. And since actives on probation aren't allowed to live in the house, I'm sorry to tell you that ZBZ rules prevent you from moving in today. Frannie : Are you sorry... Casey? Casey : The agreement was that you would be reinstated. And you are. But for the good of the sisterhood, we need to be sure that you really have changed. Frannie : Well, whatever's best for the sisterhood. Casey : I'm glad you understand. Frannie : I do. And besides... You can't keep me on probation for more than three months. I believe that's rule 62. CRU - Street Cappie : You smell that, spitter? Rusty : It's the smell of peace. Cappie : I'm actually talking about the coffee here. Having a little moment. Yes, absolutely. Vacationing off the sumatran coast two summers ago... Alonecon me bella mentor, altagracia. Rusty : Sumatra is an Island off Indonesia. People there speak Malaysian. Cappie : They do? Rusty : Yeah. Cappie : Well, that explains a lot. Rusty : Hey. Calvin : Hey. Rusty : Have you ever had any friends outside the fraternity? Cappie : Sure. Yeah. Jana. Julia. Rachel. She was an especially good friend. Rusty : No, no. I mean guy friends. Cappie : Right... Then the answer's no. Rusty : Well, weren't you friends with Evan? Cappie : Yes. Evan Longoria and I roomed together freshman year, as you well know. But, there were numerous factors that led to our breakup. Friendships in college are sort of like Cro-Magnon man. They either evolve or they become extinct. Now, for you and Calvin, it's all gonna depend on how much energy you're willing to put into adapting. Rusty : Yeah. I guess it's hard knowing whether we're evolving or dying out. Cappie : Well, only time will tell. Meanwhile... Rusty : Dobler's. Cappie : See? You are adapting. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Casey : I wanted to return this. And say thank you. Guess I finally realized I could use the rules to help me get what I want instead of trying to figure out a way to go around them. Lizzi : You're becoming an excellent leader, Casey. And I want you to keep the book. Casey : One question. Were you specifically thinking of rule 57q when you told me to reread the book? Lizzi : Rule 57q. I'm not familiar. ZBZ HOUSE - Garden Casey : So... where are you off to? Lizzi : Oklahoma chapter. Hazing gone haywire. Farewell, my sisters. Keep the principles of Zeta Beta Zeta close to your heart always. Farewell. All : Bye! Bye! Ashleigh : I sure am gonna miss Lizzi. Casey : Really? Ashleigh : Not at all.

Plan: A: the scenes; Q: What do Casey and Ashleigh work behind? A: Lizzie; Q: Who did ZBZ commit to the mixer with Psi Phi Pi? A: Frannie; Q: Who must Casey forgive and reinstate? A: a prank war; Q: What do Omega Chi and Kappa Tau start? A: Rusty and Calvin's friendship; Q: What is threatened by the prank war? Summary: Casey and Ashleigh work behind the scenes to pull out of the mixer with Psi Phi Pi that Lizzie committed ZBZ to. Casey learns that she must forgive and reinstate Frannie before Lizzie will leave. Meanwhile, Omega Chi and Kappa Tau start a prank war that threatens Rusty and Calvin's friendship.

Scene: The Apartment. Leonard: Sheldon, your food's getting cold. Sheldon: I'll eat later. Right now, I'm suckling at the informative bosom of mother physics. Penny: It's hot when Sheldon talks dirty. Raj: So, I found this Web site where you send them pictures, they sculpt your head and make an action figure out of you. How awesome is that? Howard: Let me see. Raj: Yeah, you can pick your wardrobe. You can even choose your accessories. Howard: Leonard, you can get a little asthma inhaler. Leonard: Oh, this is neat. Think about all the action figures we've bought over the years. It would be kind of cool to have ones that look like us. Don't you think? Penny: Yeah, if that's your idea of what's cool, you should get one. Leonard: Yeah, so, I'm out. Raj: What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you? Sheldon: Would it come with Kung-Fu grip? Raj: No. Sheldon: Don't waste my time. Leonard: You get that these are personalised action figures. Penny: Honey, if you want one, just get one. Howard: You're still out, right? Leonard: Yep. Credits sequence. Scene: Sheldon's office. Sheldon: A hush falls over the crowd as Cooper studies the board. He makes his move. He's dividing both sides by I. He's adding back the coefficient. He has a value for P. He's plugging that back in. He takes the derivative, and he solves the equation. The crowd goes wild. Nobel! Nobel! Kripke: Cooper? Sheldon: Nobel. Kripke. Don't look at my board. Kripke: What's that? Sheldon: That's a drawing of a really cool train. Don't look at that, either. What do you want? Kripke: I have some bad news. You're working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. I'm working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. The university is only awowed to submit one pwoposal. Sheldon: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That's hard cheese, Barry. You're one of the good ones. Kripke: No, they're making us work together. Sheldon: That's ridiculous. I am one of the great minds of our generation. I work on a level so rarified you couldn't even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train! Scene: Howard's lab. Leonard: Hmm. Kind of a strange place to put a picture of you and Bernadette. Howard: Well, I wanted everybody to know I love my wife. And nobody to know I forgot to turn off the laser. Raj: They're here. Our action figures have arrived. This is the best five hundred dollars I've ever spent. Leonard: A thousand dollars on action figures? How can you afford that? Howard: Easy. His family's loaded, and Bernadette has a great job. My wife came with both fun bags and money bags. Raj: Say hello to an exact scale model of me. Oh, I'm not dark chocolate. I'm melt-in-your-mouth caramel. Howard: Oh, man. Look at my nose. Leonard: Maybe it's a shipping problem. Howard: What? Leonard: Yeah. Maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys. Raj: This sucks. Howard: I can't believe I wasted all that money. Leonard: Aw, and my girlfriend wouldn't let me get one. Look at my face. Do I look smug? I feel smug. Scene: The stairwell. Penny: I hate it when you make me sit through all the credits. Leonard: Well, sometimes there's a secret ending, like in The Avengers. Penny: Yeah, but I don't think that's going to happen in a documentary about the Holocaust. Leonard: They could show bloopers. Oh, no. Penny: What is that? Leonard: That is Sheldon's "I'm unhappy and about to destroy the planet" music. Come on, let's just go to your place. Penny: Well, wait, if he's unhappy,shouldn't we talk to him? Leonard: Shouldn't we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years? Penny (entering apartment): You doing okay, sweetie? Sheldon: There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don't know where you're from, but where I'm from, that means I'm not doing okay. Leonard: Want me to make you some tea? Sheldon: Tea is for when I'm upset. I'm not upset. The university's forcing me to work with Kripke. I'm outraged. Leonard: So, cocoa? Sheldon: Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it's like to be paired with someone who's so incredibly annoying? Leonard: Oh, teacher! Me! Me! Sheldon: See, I did all this great work, and now he's just going to come along and ruin it. I am angrier than ever and filled with despair. Penny: What beverage do you make for that? Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, I know this. Uh, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks? Sheldon: Yes, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks! Scene: Sheldon's office. Kripke: What the fwig, Cooper? We were supposed to meet in my office a half an hour ago. Sheldon: And yet, now you're in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke. Kripke: We agweed to exchange copies of our work. Let me see yours. Sheldon: Why don't you show me yours first. Kripke: You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time. Sheldon: How do I know you're not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own? Kripke: How do I know you're not going to do that with mine? Sheldon: Because I'm not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry. Kripke: Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other's work, meet again tomowow? Sheldon: Fine. Kripke: Nice twy. This is bwank paper. Sheldon: And I am sure it's still more valuable than whatever's in here. Kripke: Cough it up, Cooper. Sheldon: Very well. Kripke: If this one's bwank, too, I'm going to be fuwious. Sheldon: Fine. Scene: Howard's lab. Raj: You! Always bet on black. Howard: Get that waste of money out of my face. Raj: It's only a waste of money if we don't play with them. (As doll) He's right, dawg. Howard: Please, I'm working. Raj: You know, there is a way we can get action figures to look exactly like us. Howard: Oh, yeah? How's that? Raj: Two words, 3-D printer. Wait, maybe it's three words. No, hang on. Okay, one word, a letter and a number and maybe a hyphen. 3-D printer. Howard: I have always wanted a 3-D printer. Raj: Of course you have. They're an engineer's dream. Anything you can design, a 3-D printer can make out of plastic. Howard: Yeah, but they're so expensive. Raj: Oh, come on. You deserve one. You've worked hard to find a woman who makes a lot of money. Howard: Well, the prices have been coming down. Raj: Oh, true. They're practically giving them away. You know, in exchange for money. Howard: And we can make stuff we need for work with it. Prototypes of my CAD/CAM designs, specialized tools... Raj: Not to mention Malibu Koothrappali and his totally bitchin' dream house. Howard: We don't need Malibu Koothrappali's dream house. Raj: Really, smart guy? Where's he supposed to park his sweet little Corvette? Scene: The apartment. Amy:The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I'm supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it's hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. You've been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay? Sheldon: I'm fine. Amy: All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke? Sheldon: Yes. Amy: Sheldon, what's going on? Sheldon: I read his research, and, it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy. Amy: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug? Sheldon: What do we have to lose? Amy: How's that? Sheldon: I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor. Why'd you stop? Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we're going to be late. Sheldon: I can't go in today. I'm sick. Leonard: You're not sick. You just don't want to face Kripke. Sheldon: No, look. Leonard: 128. Sheldon: See? Leonard: What did you do, put this in your tea? Sheldon: Oh, dear. Now I'm not even smarter than you. Leonard: Sheldon, Kripke's not smarter than you. You just got stuck on a wrong path. Happened to Einstein. He got stuck on the unified field theory for decades. Sheldon: Oh, don't play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough. Leonard: Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense. Now, go put your clothes on, get in the car, and lets go to work. Sheldon: All right, geez. What a grouch. Leonard: How did I do that? I got to remember how I did that. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Howard's lab. Howard: Do you realize, by owning a 3-D printer, we are reclaiming the manufacturing process and taking jobs back from sweatshops in China? Raj: I think this thing was made in China. Howard: Eh, what can you do? Raj: Ooh, I, I think it's done. Oh, it worked. We printed a whistle. Howard: Amazing. You realize these things go for 25 cents a pop at a party store. Raj: And we made it in only three hours. Sounds just like store-bought. Howard: Okay, give me a superhero pose, and I will scan you into the computer for your action figure. Raj: Oh, I wish I was in better shape. Howard: Stop holding your stomach in. I'll give you a six-pack with the computer. Raj: Oh, okay, great. Now I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today. Howard: All right, you can suck it in a little bit. Scene: Sheldon's office. Kripke: Cooper, we have a pwobwem. Your work is weawy not at a wevew I expected it to be. Sheldon: I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand. Kripke: Don't pway dumb with me. We both know what your pwobwem is. Sheldon: We do? Kripke: You have a girlfwiend. Sheldon: So? Kripke: So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time. Sheldon: Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I'm getting. Kripke: You wucky b*st*rd. Sheldon: What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis. Kripke: Okay, stop bwagging. You had some bwiwiant insights in here, but if we're gonna make this work, you need to buckew down and focus. Sheldon: I'll do what I can. But it's not going to be easy, because when I'm with Amy and our bathing suit areas mush together, boy howdy, is it magic Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Howard: Oh, good, you're home. Got a little surprise for you. Bernadette: What? Howard: Say hello to my little friend. Bernadette: Oh, my God. That's so cute. I didn't think there could be a smaller version of you. Howard: I know, right? And, thanks to photographs and a little 3-D modeling, here comes the bride. Bernadette: Oh, Howie, I love these. Howard: I thought you might. Bernadette: Were they expensive? Howard: Didn't cost a thing. I made them myself. Bernadette: How? Howard: Koothrappali and I bought a used 3-D printer for $5,000. Bernadette: $5,000 for a couple of dolls? Are you out of your mind? Howard: Not just for a couple of dolls. For as many dolls as we want. And whistles. Bernadette: At any point, did it dawn on you to talk to me about spending this kind of money? Howard: It's kind of dawning on me now. Bernadette: I don't believe you. Howie, we can't afford to waste money on junk like this. Howard: What are you talking about? We make plenty of money. Bernadette: I make plenty of money. You make peanuts. Howard: Yes, but we're married now. That means, when you get sick, I take care of you. And when you make a bunch of money, I get to buy stuff. Sorry if you don't like it, but that's how love works. Bernadette: No, here's how love works. You're gonna return the machine, or you can print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those. Oh, my God! Are you actually thinking about it? Scene: The apartment. Penny: All right, I don't understand. Why didn't you just tell Kripke the truth? Sheldon: Because the truth made me look bad, whereas a ridiculous bald-faced lie makes me look good. Anyway, if Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense and whimsically inventive. Leonard: Is my coitus whimsically inventive? Penny: That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter. Leonard: I know you're joking, but I'd be okay with that. Penny: Yeah. Sheldon, can I ask you a question? Sheldon: Of course. Penny: You ever going to sleep with Amy? Sheldon: That's awfully personal. Leonard: We don't ask Sheldon things like that. Penny: Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal? Sheldon: Well, word around the university is I'm giving her s*x organs a proper jostling. Penny: All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing? Leonard: All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing? Sheldon: Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy. Penny: Then what's the problem? Sheldon: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable. Leonard: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you. Penny: Okay. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical? Sheldon: It's a possibility. Penny (under breath while hitting Leonard): Oh, my God! (Out loud) Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation. Sheldon: Fine. Penny (under breath while hitting Leonard): Oh, my God! Leonard: Ow! Scene: The cafeteria. Raj: Are you sure you want to do this? Give up your half of the 3-D printer? Howard: Yes. And can you please make that out to Bernadette? I was taken off the joint account until I learn the value of money. Raj: Wow, that's harsh. Howard: Tell me about it. Raj: Aren't you gonna eat lunch? Howard: Nah, I blew my food allowance on Pokemon cards. Scene: Sheldon's office. Sheldon: Well, the equation balances, but it's certainly not elegant. Kripke: Whatever. You get any wast night? Sheldon: Yes. Kripke: Gave it to her good, huh? Sheldon: No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put... Kripke: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was she naked, or was she weawing wingewie? Sheldon: I didn't notice. Kripke: How could you not notice? Sheldon: I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body. Kripke: Ah, you're kiwing me, Cooper! Sheldon: Can we get back to work? Kripke: Sure, sure, sure. You guys ever use any toys? Sheldon: Toys? I do have a model rocket next to my bed. Kripke: A wocket? You'we a fweak! I wove it!

Plan: A: Howard; Q: Who does Bernadette remove from their joint account? A: highly unrealistic models; Q: What kind of action figures did Howard and Raj receive? A: a used 3D printer; Q: What did Howard and Raj buy for $5000? A: precise figures; Q: What kind of figures did Howard and Raj want to make? A: half; Q: Howard sells his ______ of the printer to Raj. A: Kripke; Q: Who is Sheldon forced to work with on a fusion reactor project? A: Kripke's work; Q: What is superior to Sheldon's work? A: Amy; Q: Who does Sheldon allow to hug him? A: his poor work; Q: What does Kripke confront Sheldon over? A: Caltech; Q: Where does Sheldon work? A: one day; Q: How long does Sheldon think it will be before he has a physical relationship with Amy? Summary: Howard and Raj order customized action figures of themselves but receive highly unrealistic models. They then buy a used 3D printer for $5000 to make precise figures of themselves and Bernadette. She is delighted with the figures of Howard and herself until she hears how much Howard paid for the printer. She removes Howard from their joint account to teach him the value of money; he sells his half of the printer to Raj. Meanwhile, Sheldon and Kripke are forced to work together on a fusion reactor project. To Sheldon's dismay, Kripke's work is far superior and more advanced than his. He is so upset he even allows Amy to hug him. Kripke confronts him over his poor work, but thinks incessant sex with Amy is the cause. Sheldon surprisingly supports this erroneous theory to prevent colleagues discovering he is not the smartest person in Caltech. That evening he shocks Penny and Leonard with an incredible revelation: it's a "possibility" that he could one day have a physical relationship with Amy.

EGYPT, 1334 BC INT. PALACE CHAMBER The DOCTOR hurries to the TARDIS, followed by an Egyptian woman of high ranking. DOCTOR: Bye then! Lovely meeting you. Sorry about the mess. The WOMAN pulls him back and presses him against the TARDIS. WOMAN: (seductively) You think I'll let you leave without me, (rubs her hands along his chest) after what we've just been through?(runs fingers through his hair) DOCTOR: You've got the Egyptian people to rule, Queen Nefertiti. (voice gets progressively higher) They'll need reassuring after that weapon-bearing giant alien locust attack we just stopped, rather brilliantly. (an old-time car horn sounds) Sorry! (trades places with NEFERTITI and pulls out psychic paper) Got it set to temporal newsfeed...Oh, that's interesting! NEFERTITI: What is? DOCTOR: Nothing! Not at.. Ohh! Never been there, exciting! NEFERTITI pushes the DOCTOR into the TARDIS causing him to stretch out that last word into a cry. SPACE A large ship is on its way towards Earth. INT. MILITARY HQ, 2367 The ship is brought up on a screen. A female officer, INDIRA, is explaining the problem to the DOCTOR. INDIRA: Craft size approximately ten million square kilometres. DOCTOR: A ship the size of Canada, coming at Earth very fast. Any signs of life? INDIRA: We sent up a drone craft, it took these readings. DOCTOR: (bends over to read the screen) Crikey Charlie, look at that! Ooh, I know someone who'd love a look. And the Ponds! (walks around screen) Mustn't forget the Ponds! Haven't seen them in ages. (rests arm on NEFERTITI'S shoulder) I'm riffing, people usually stop me when I'm riffing, or carry on without me. NEFERTITI: Can you communicate with this craft? DOCTOR: She's with me. Good question, Neffy. INDIRA: No. No response on any channel in any recognised language. If it comes within 10,000 kilometres of Earth, we send up missiles. DOCTOR: Oh, Indira, I liked you before you said missiles. How long till the ship gets that close? INDIRA: Six hours, nineteen minutes. DOCTOR: Right, better get a shift on then! Leave it with us. Come on then, Neffy! We're going to need help. The DOCTOR grabs NEFERTITI'S hand and runs for the TARDIS. EXT. AFRICAN PLAINS, 1902, NIGHT The DOCTOR runs up to a campsite where a lone man, RIDDELL is sitting in front of a fire. DOCTOR: More stew? (sits) RIDDELL: Where have you been, man?! Seven months! You were popping out for some liquorice! I had two very disappointed dancers on my hands! Not that I couldn't manage. DOCTOR: Riddell, listen, I've found...well, something. RIDDELL: No, no, no, no, no, no. I shan't fall for that again. (pauses) What is it? DOCTOR: I've no idea. Do you want to find out? INT. POND-WILLIAMS HOME, PARLOR, DAY An older man, BRIAN, is standing on a ladder changing the bulb of a ceiling light. RORY is standing next to the ladder. BRIAN: I think it's the fitting. RORY: Dad, it's not the fitting, it just needs a new bulb. BRIAN: You're wobbling the ladder. RORY: (holds up hands) I'm not! BRIAN: I don't want another loft incident. AMY is on the other side of the ladder. AMY: How's my side, Brian? BRIAN: Perfect as ever, Amy. AMY: Thank you, Brian! BRIAN: I don't know what he said to you to make you marry him, but he's a lucky man. A wind begins to blow inside and the TARDIS can be heard. RORY: (whispers to AMY) Not here! Not now! BRIAN: Did you leave the back door open? RORY: (whispers) What is he doing?! AMY: I'm going to kill him! The TARDIS materializes around them. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR works the controls as he talks. DOCTOR: Hello! You weren't busy, were you? Well, even if you were, it wasn't as interesting as this probably is. Didn't want you to miss it. Now, just a quick hop. SPACE The TARDIS heads for the spaceship. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: Everybody grab a torch! Everybody grabs torches. BRIAN drops the light bulb. INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR The DOCTOR is already examining the area close to the TARDIS when RIDDELL, NEFERTITI and the PONDS exit. DOCTOR: (watching spider in a web) Spiders. Don't normally get spiders in space. BRIAN steps out of the TARDIS. BRIAN: What the...? DOCTOR: Don't move! (strides over to BRIAN) D'you really think I'm that stupid I wouldn't notice? How did you get aboard? Transmat? Who sent you? RORY: Doctor...that's my dad. DOCTOR: (turns to RORY) Well, frankly, that's outrageous. RORY: What? DOCTOR: You think you can bring your dad along without asking? I'm not a taxi service, you know! RORY: You materialised around us! DOCTOR: Oh, well, that's fine then, my mistake. Hello, Brian, how are you? (shakes BRIAN'S hand) Nice to meet you. Welcome, welcome! (spins around) This is the gang. I've got a gang - yes! Come on then, everyone! (walks away down the corridor) AMY: (to RORY) Tell him something, quick. (heads after the DOCTOR) RORY: Yes, thank you! BRIAN: I'm not entirely sure what's going on. RORY: You know when Amy and I first got married and we went travelling? BRIAN: To Thailand. RORY: More the entirety of space and time. In that police box. There is a loud thudding and the ship quakes. RORY and BRIAN follow after the others. AMY: All right, where are we, and what is that noise? And hello! Ten months! DOCTOR: Orbiting Earth - well, I say orbiting, more like pre-crashing on a spaceship - don't know, and hello, Pond. (hugs AMY) Ten months, time flies. Never really understood that phrase. (continues on) This is Neffy, this is Riddell. They're with me. AMY: With you? They're with you, are they the new us? Is that why we haven't seen you? DOCTOR: No, they're just people. They're not Ponds! I thought we might need a gang, not really had a gang before, it's new. They hear the grinding gears of a lift as it nears their level. DOCTOR: It's coming down. RIDDELL: What is it? DOCTOR: No idea. The lift doors open and the gang are blinded somewhat from the light within. They hear roaring and the shadows of two large animals can be seen. BRIAN: Not possible! DOCTOR: Run! The others run but AMY stops when she realizes the DOCTOR hasn't moved. AMY: Doctor! DOCTOR: I know! Dinosaurs! On a spaceship! Two ANKYLOSAURUS come roaring out of the lift. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith [SCENE_BREAK] Karen Gillan [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur Darvill "Dinosaurs on a Spaceship" By Chris Chibnall PRODUCER Marcus Wilson DIRECTOR Saul Metzstein [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR The gang rushes down the corridor - NEFERTITI, BRIAN and RORY are in the front with RIDDELL covering them with his gun. AMY and the DOCTOR catch up to them. NEFERTITI sees an opening to the side too narrow for the dinosaurs. NEFERTITI: In here! They duck into the niche, the DOCTOR sliding to a stop. He puts a finger to his lips. The dinosaurs roar and thud as they stomp down the corridor. When they come abreast of the hiding place, RIDDELL takes out a large knife. RIDDELL: (whispers) I could take one of them, short blow, up into the throat. DOCTOR: (whispers) Or not. We've just found dinosaurs, in space. We need to preserve them. RIDDELL: (whispers) And who's going to preserve us? AMY shushes them both. They remain quiet and still as the dinosaurs continue down the corridor, their swinging tails knocking loose masonry from the walls. They creep back out into the corridor. RORY: OK, so, how? And whose ship? [SCENE_BREAK] The view changes to that of the hallway being viewed through a camera. The screen reads "Intruders Detected". DOCTOR: There's so much to discover. Think how much wiser we'll be by the end of all this. INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR BRIAN: Sorry. Sorry. Are you saying dinosaurs are flying a spaceship? DOCTOR: Brian, please! That would be ridiculous. They're probably just passengers. Did I mention missiles? BRIAN: Missiles?! RORY and the DOCTOR motion him to keep quiet. DOCTOR: Didn't want to worry you. Anyway, six hours is a lifetime...not literally a lifetime, that's what we're trying to avoid. And we're all really clever! Let's see what we can find out. Come on. The DOCTOR spots a room filled with banks of equipment overgrown with vines and covered in spiderwebs. INT. SPACESHIP, COMPUTER ROOM The DOCTOR pulls webs from the face of the screen. DOCTOR: Eugh! (wipes hand on BRIAN'S clothes) AMY: How many dinosaurs do you think are on here? The DOCTOR uses the sonic on the computer and the screen comes to life. RORY and BRIAN stand on either side, looking over his shoulders. DOCTOR: Oh, well done, whoever you are. Looking for engines. (the screen changes) Thank you, computer. Look at that, different sections have different engines, but these look like the primary clusters. Where are we now, computer? We need to get down to these engines... The DOCTOR touches the screen and he, RORY and BRIAN are teleported away. NEFERTITI: What happened? AMY: Oh, great! INT. SPACESHIP, BEACH The DOCTOR, RORY and BRIAN "arrive" on a beach with an overcast sky. DOCTOR: ..and find out how... RORY: What?! BRIAN: We're outside. We're on a beach. DOCTOR: Teleport! Oh, I hate teleports. Must have activated on my voice. BRIAN: (angrily) Ah, yes, well, thank you, Arthur C Clarke! Teleport, obviously, I mean, we're on a spaceship, with dinosaurs, why wouldn't there be a teleport? In fact why don't we just teleport now?! (walks off) DOCTOR: Is he all right? RORY: He hates travelling. Makes him anxious. He only goes to the paper shop and golf. DOCTOR: What did you bring him for? RORY: I didn't! Why can't you just phone ahead, like any normal person? BRIAN: (re-joins them) Can somebody tell me where we are, now? DOCTOR: (sticks out tongue) Well, it's not Earth. Doesn't taste right, too metallic. A large bird flies overhead, screeching. BRIAN: Is that a kestrel? DOCTOR: I do hope so. RORY stands from where he was feeling the ground. RORY: The beach is humming. DOCTOR: Is it? (feels the ground) Oh, yes! (stands) Right, well, don't just stand there, you two, dig! (brushes hands) I'm going to look at rocks. Love a rock. (walks off) RORY: Dig with what? The DOCTOR holds up his hands and keeps walking. BRIAN pulls something from his pocket. It is a collapsible trowel. BRIAN: Ah! Well! (starts digging) RORY: Did you just have that on you? BRIAN: Of course! What sort of a man doesn't carry a trowel? Put it on your Christmas list. RORY: (squats) Dad, I'm 31. I don't have a Christmas list any more. DOCTOR: (raises both arms and shouts) I do! RORY gives the DOCTOR a thumbs-up. BRIAN taps metal under the sand. BRIAN: There's a floor under this beach! INT. SPACESHIP, INFIRMARY The screen shows the scene on the beach as RORY runs for the DOCTOR. The room seems to have been cannibalized from different ships. RORY: 'Doctor! Doctor!' MAN: Did you hear that? Did you hear what he called him? Doctor! After all this time! Bring them to me. We see a silhouette of a man lying down on a bed. INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR AMY, NEFERTITI and RIDDELL are exploring. RIDDELL: There are clearly more than just two of those creatures. (drinks from flask) AMY: (slaps him on the arm) Hey, put that away, I need you sober. RIDDELL: It's medicinal. And I don't take orders from females. NEFERTITI: Then learn. Any man who speaks to me that way, I execute. RIDDELL: (grins) You're very welcome to try. AMY: Sorry, what was your name again? NEFERTITI: Lady of the Two Lands, wife of the Great King Amenhotep, Queen Nefertiti of Egypt. RIDDELL: I'll be damned... AMY: Oh, my God! Queen Nefertiti! I learned all about you at school. You're awesome! Big fan, high-five! (NEFERTITI stares at her) Yeah, bit behind on that. You're really famous. RIDDELL: Ssh! Listen. They hear loud, rumbling snorts. RIDDELL lowers his torch and the beam reveals a sleeping T-Rex. AMY: OK. At a guess, T-Rex. Not yet full size. We're in the middle of a dinosaur nest. RIDDELL: I propose a retreat. (heads back the way they came until they hear more dinosaurs) Or perhaps forwards. AMY: Agreed. Just don't wake the baby. They slowly move forwards and RIDDELL steps over the sleeping T-Rex at the neck. He steps on a piece of paper that rustles. The T-Rex snorts but doesn't wake. RIDDELL sighs before pulling his other leg over and nearly loses his balance. He grins when he is done. NEFERTITI merely shakes her head and continues on. AMY: Who are you, anyway? RIDDELL: John Riddell. Big game hunter on the African plains. I'm sure you've heard of me, too. AMY: No. RIDDELL: You clearly have some alarming gaps in your education. AMY: Or men who hunt defenceless creatures just don't impact on history. Face it, she's way cooler than you. NEFERTITI: And you, Amy? Are you also a queen? AMY: Yes. Yes, I am. INT. SPACESHIP, BEACH The DOCTOR has found the computer and has pulled up the engine readings. DOCTOR: See! Metal floor, screens in rocks. It was just a short-range teleport. We're still on the ship. BRIAN: No. We're outside, on a beach. RORY: No, it's part of the ship, Dad. BRIAN: Don't be ridiculous. DOCTOR: Well, it is quite ridiculous, also brilliant. That's why the system teleported us here - I wanted the engines. (turns around, arms open) This is the engine room! Hydro-generators. BRIAN: I have literally no idea what he's saying. RORY: A spaceship powered by waves. DOCTOR: (puts arms over BRIAN and RORY'S shoulders) Fabulously impossible! Oh, think of the things we could learn from this ship if we manage to stop it being blown to pieces. RORY: Plus, not dying. DOCTOR: Bad news is - can't shut the wave systems down in time. Takes... (turns around and looks up) takes way too long. RORY: (studies the screen) If these are the engines, there must be a control room. DOCTOR: Exactly. (puts arms over BRIAN and RORY'S shoulders) That's what we need to find. (whispers) Now, what do we do about the things that aren't kestrels? They slowly turn around and the creatures screech as they get closer. They do not look like birds. BRIAN: Oh, my Lord. Are those pterodactyls? The pterodactyls are getting closer. DOCTOR: Yes. On any other occasion, I'd be thrilled. Exposed on a beach, less than thrilled. We should be going. The DOCTOR grabs the hands of the two men and runs along the beach in front of the cliff face. BRIAN: Where? DOCTOR: Definitely away from them! RORY: That's the plan?! DOCTOR: That's the plan! Amendments welcome! Move away from the pterodactyls! RORY: I think they might be noticing! DOCTOR: Amended plan - run! RORY: Can't we just teleport or something? DOCTOR: No, local teleport's burned out on arrival. There's an opening in the cliffs over there! RORY: (to BRIAN) Come on, run! BRIAN: I'm trying! When they are within site of the cave, one of the pterodactyls nips RORY on the shoulder. They make it inside the cave. INT. SPACESHIP, CAVE Once safely inside, RORY stops and leans against the wall. BRIAN: Are you all right? RORY: Yeah, I'm fine. (to DOCTOR) What do we do now? There's no way back out there. DOCTOR: Through the cave, come on. The DOCTOR heads deeper into the cave but stops upon hearing a loud thudding. DOCTOR: That suggestion was a work in progress. BRIAN: We're trapped! DOCTOR: Yes, thanks for spelling it out. RORY: Doctor, whatever's down there is coming this way. DOCTOR: (to himself) Spelling it out is hereditary, wonderful! BRIAN: That sound's getting nearer! The DOCTOR backs up until he, RORY and BRIAN have nowhere to go. Two large yellow robots appear. ROBOT 1: We're very cross with you! INT. SPACESHIP, LAB AMY, NEFERTITI and RIDDELL find another room overgrown with plants and vines. AMY: Bit of weed killer wouldn't go amiss in here. RIDDELL: Whoever was running this vessel left in a hurry. NEFERTITI: Maybe a plague came and took them. RIDDELL: No, there'd be corpses and bones. NEFERTITI: Unless the animals ate them. AMY: Whoa, Chuckle Brothers, lighten up, would ya? AMY finds the computer, presses a few buttons and the machine hums to life. The lights come on as well. NEFERTITI: How did you know how to do that? AMY: I've spent enough time with the Doctor to know whenever you enter somewhere new, press buttons. NEFERTITI: What else have you learned from him? AMY: Don't stop at button-pressing. AMY finds a small sphere, places it on a tray and inserts it into the computer. There is audio but no picture. VOICE: 'One hundred and seventeen years...' AMY: Data records. RIDDELL: Ship's owners? AMY: Could be. Come on, help us out... (hits a few more keys) VOICE: '..will remain cryogenic...' RIDDELL hears a muted roar and aims his torch to the corridor where he sees a shadow. VOICE: '..space sleep... I will continue to work...' AMY: (to computer) How about a picture? Come on, for me? VOICE: '..far beyond our mapping...' AMY slaps the side of the computer and a picture slowly comes into focus. NEFERTITI: (points at screen) Look! It's beautiful. on screen appears a male SILURIAN ELDER. SILURIAN: 'I can't tell how far we have come. Far enough to avoid the destructive impact forecast for our planet. Far enough for me to feel a profound sense of loss.' RIDDELL: What is that? AMY: Silurian. INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR The DOCTOR, RORY and BRIAN are walking down the corridor ahead of the robots. ROBOT 1: You're going straight on the naughty step! BRIAN: (whispers out of the side of his mouth) What's the escape plan? DOCTOR: Why do we want to escape? BRIAN: They have us hostage. RORY: They're taking us somewhere. We might learn from it. DOCTOR: Oh, you see? (pinches RORY'S cheek) So clever. I missed you, Rory! RORY: Don't do that. BRIAN: What if they kill us? DOCTOR: They wouldn't do that! (turns around and taps ROBOT 1 on the chest) You're not going to kill us, are you, Rusty? ROBOT 2: Who are you calling Rusty?! DOCTOR: Have you seen yourself lately? ROBOT 2: You try being on this ship for two millennia, see how YOUR paintwork does! ROBOT 1: Don't listen to him, he's just being mean cos we captured him. As the robots argue, BRIAN turns around and a look of amazement passes across his face. BRIAN: Oh, my goodness... RORY turns around. RORY: Whoa. In front of them is a triceratops. DOCTOR: Ooh. Herbivore, Brian, don't panic. Triceratops. Ha! Beautiful. The DOCTOR bends over as the triceratops ambles over to them. ROBOT 1: Shall I shoot it? ROBOT 2: We're not supposed to shoot the creatures, stupid! ROBOT 1: Stop calling me stupid! The dinosaur roars and the DOCTOR talks to it like it's a baby or a puppy. DOCTOR: "Rargh" yourself! Hello, cutie-pie. Who's a lovely Tricey then, eh? (strokes its snout) Yes, you are. Yes, you are. BRIAN: What do I do?! What do I do?! (the dinosaur sniffs him) What's it doing?! DOCTOR: You don't have any vegetable matter in your trousers, do you, Brian? BRIAN: Only my balls. RORY covers his eyes with his hand. DOCTOR: I'm sorry? BRIAN: Golf balls. (takes two from his pocket) Grassy residue. RORY: What're you carrying those around for? The triceratops licks BRIAN'S face leaving a trail of slimy saliva. BRIAN: Urgh! Eurgh! Argh! DOCTOR: Aw, bless. BRIAN: Get it away from me! DOCTOR: Throw one. BRIAN: Really? (to dinosaur) Is this what you want? Is it? BRIAN throws the golf ball and the triceratops runs after it. DOCTOR: (pats BRIAN on the back) And breathe out. (turns to the robots) Right! Take us to your leader. RORY: Really? DOCTOR: Too good to resist. The DOCTOR claps his hands I anticipation as they continue down the corridor. INT. SPACESHIP, LAB AMY, NEFERTITI and RIDDELL watch the computer screen as the SILURIAN continues his log. SILURIAN: 'Of the 50 species loaded, only one has had any difficulty in surviving. All the others are thriving and we expect them to be able to repopulate.' AMY: We're on an ark. A Silurian ark. RIDDELL: Lizard people herding dinosaurs on to a space ark?! Absolute tommy-rot. NEFERTITI: Only an idiot denies the evidence of their own eyes. RIDDELL: Egyptian queen or not, I shall put you across my knee and spank you. AMY: Oh, Lord. NEFERTITI: Try and I'll snap your neck in a heartbeat. RIDDELL: Mm. Well, they certainly bred firecrackers in your time AMY: Aw, no, no, no. Please, don't start flirting. I will not have flirting companions! NEFERTITI: If the Doctor trusts Amy, so do I. Stop doubting her. RIDDELL: If this ship was built by... AMY: Silurians, yeah. RIDDELL: Where are they? AMY: Surprisingly good question. (to compter) Display life signs for homo reptilia. The computer screens shows "No Life Signs Detected". AMY: But where have they gone? NEFERTITI: Perhaps they found another world, left the ship. AMY: Why are the dinosaurs still on board? And why is the ship coming back to Earth? It doesn't make sense. What's changed between then and now? Wait - computer, show me the ship at launch with all life signals. Now show me the ship today with all life signals. Thousands less. But why? I mean... Show me both images, then and now, side by side. RIDDELL: What are you looking for? AMY: OK, two images, spot the difference. What changed? What happened to the Silurians? NEFERTITI: (points at new image) The centre. AMY: Computer, zoom in to the centre. The computer zooms in and AMY sees something. AMY: Oh, no. RIDDELL: What is it? AMY: Another spacecraft. This ship's been boarded before. INT. SPACESHIP 2 The robots escort the DOCTOR, RORY and BRIAN to the other ship. There is a gate barring the entrance to the ship. The DOCTOR leans forward. DOCTOR: Love what you've done with the place down here. MAN: Let him in. Open the gate. One of the robots presses a button and the gate slides open and the DOCTOR walks through. It closes after him. Piano music can be heard playing softly. DOCTOR: It's fine. It's fine. ROBOT 1: He's not interested in YOU. RORY: (turns on ROBOT 1) Look, you need to learn some manners. ROBOT 1: No, YOU need to learn some manners! RORY: No, YOU do! ROBOT 2: No, YOU do! Mr...Manners! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SPACESHIP 2, INFIRMARY The DOCTOR makes his way to the bed on which lies an older MAN. There are cobwebs draped over the machinery. DOCTOR: Fantasia in F Minor for four hands. MAN: You know it. DOCTOR: Know it? Say hello to hands three and four! Schubert kept tickling me to try and put me off. Franz the Hands. Oh, that takes me back. Well, this is... cosy. (walks around) BRIAN: It's fate you came. DOCTOR: Is it? I'm the Doctor MAN: Yes, I know. I'm Solomon. The computer beeps as the DOCTOR is scanned by a blue light. DOCTOR: What's that? SOLOMON: System malfunction, ignore it. DOCTOR: What happened to you? SOLOMON: I was attacked. Three raptors. They cornered me. The robots rescued me, but it was nearly too late. DOCTOR: Ah, yes. The robots. They're...unusual. SOLOMON: I got them cheap, from a concession on Illyria Seven. The robots did as best they could with my legs, but... you can help me so much more. DOCTOR: Oh, a "doctor" doctor! I see. (breathes on his hands) Let's have a look. (lifts the material away from the wounds) SOLOMON: They chewed through part of the bone in my legs. DOCTOR: Yes, very nasty. SOLOMON: But you can repair them. DOCTOR: (looks at SOLOMON) If you tell me how you came by so many dinosaurs. SOLOMON: Injure the older one. DOCTOR: What? (runs for the gate) INT. SPACESHIP 2 One of the robots shoots BRIAN in the arm and he falls to the ground. RORY goes to his father. RORY: Dad! Dad... It's all right, Dad, it's OK, it's OK. INT. SPACESHIP 2, INFIRMARY The DOCTOR goes back to SOLOMON. DOCTOR: I don't respond well to violence, Solomon. SOLOMON: And I don't like questions, Doctor. You boarded without my permission. Now, fix me or the next bolt will be fatal. INT. SPACESHIP 2 RORY turns angrily on the robots. RORY: I will take you apart cog by cog, and melt you down when all this is over. ROBOT 1: (sarcastic) Oh, I'm so scared! Actually, I might be. A little bit of oil just came out. RORY applies a pressure bandage to BRIAN'S shoulder. RORY: Stay still. It's just a burn, it's nothing serious. (takes item from pocket) BRIAN: What's that? RORY: Well, you carry a trowel, I carry a medpack. It's all about the pockets in our family. This is an ice patch. It cools the skin. BRIAN: Never seen one of those. RORY: I look out for cool stuff wherever we go. Some people it's cars and hardware, for me it is nursing supplies. (applies patch to shoulder) Now...painkiller. Now, this won't hurt. (jabs needle in BRIAN'S shoulder) BRIAN: Ow! RORY: I lied. It won't hurt from now on, though. All right. You're done. BRIAN: (puts shirt back) Thanks. RORY: S'all right. You get to see my awesome nursing skills in action for once. RORY'S mobile rings. ROBOT 2: What's that? BRIAN: Your phone's ringing. In space! RORY: (takes out phone) You get used to it. I have to take this. The wife. Hello, Mrs. CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - - CUT TO: INT. SPACESHIP, LAB AMY: Where are you? RORY: Still on board. Met some pterodactyls and some rusty robots, that I'm going to MELT DOWN. AMY: Rory, this is a Silurian ship. INT. SPACESHIP 2, INFIRMARY The DOCTOR has some surgical tools in his hands. SOLOMON: How did you get on board, Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh, I never talk about myself with a gun pointed at me. Let's talk about you. Your cosy little craft embedded in a vast, old ship. (starts to work on SOLOMON'S leg) SOLOMON: Very observant. DOCTOR: I'm a Sagittarius. Probably. SOLOMON: I'm transporting it to the Roxborne Peninsula. DOCTOR: The commerce colony. You're a trader. SOLOMON: I search out opportunities for profit across the nine galaxies. DOCTOR: Ah, the purple light. That's what it was. An IV system - identify and value: the database of everything across space and time, allocated a market value. Argos for the universe. You were trying to find out how much I'm worth. SOLOMON: Would you like to know? They both look at the computer screen as it processes the information. It responds with "No Identification Found". SOLOMON: You don't exist. It's never done that. DOCTOR: That's me. Worthless. Unlike these creatures you have on board. Very valuable... given they're extinct. The device in the DOCTOR'S hand whirs and SOLOMON groans in pain. DOCTOR: Done, sit up. Very slowly. The DOCTOR helps SOLOMON sit as RORY comes to the gate holding out his mobile. RORY: Doctor? Amy. DOCTOR: (to SOLOMON) I need to take this. (takes phone) Amy. CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - - CUT TO: INT. SPACESHIP, LAB AMY: This is an ark, built by the Silurians. They were looking for another planet. DOCTOR: Where are they now? AMY: None on board. I mean, thousands of stasis pods - all empty. DOCTOR: I'll see you soon. With a look at SOLOMON, the DOCTOR ends the call and gives RORY his phone through the gate. DOCTOR: (whispers) Be ready. RORY nods. The DOCTOR returns to SOLOMON who is standing with use of a cane. SOLOMON: The pain in my legs. It's gone. I can move them. Thank you, Doctor. DOCTOR: What did you do to the Silurians? BRIAN: We ejected them. The robots woke them from cryo-sleep a handful at a time, and jettisoned them from the airlocks. We must have left a trail of dust and bone. DOCTOR: (closes his eyes and shakes his head) Because you wanted the dinosaurs. (sits dejectedly) SOLOMON: Their ship crossed my path. I sent out a distress signal. They let me board. But when I saw the cargo, things became more complex. DOCTOR: Piracy and then genocide. SOLOMON: Very emotive words, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, I'm a very emotive man. SOLOMON: The lizards wouldn't negotiate. I made them a generous offer. DOCTOR: The creatures on board this ship are not objects to be sold or traded. SOLOMON: I feel like you're judging me. DOCTOR: You said Roxborne Peninsula, so why are you heading to Earth? You're on the wrong course. Oh. You don't know how. Ha! Brilliant. You couldn't change the pre-programmed course. Without instructions, the ship defaulted, returned home. Oh, dear. The Silurians outwitted you, even after you'd massacred them. So now you're a prisoner on the ship that you hijacked. SOLOMON: Not now you're here. You're going to help me to where I want to go, Doctor. DOCTOR: Little bit of news, Solomon. You're being targeted by missiles. Get off this ship... (stands) while you still can. (walks away) SOLOMON: You think I believe that? You just want them for yourself. You won't profit from me, Doctor. DOCTOR: (stops at gate) Don't ever judge me by your standards. (opens gate with sonic) Well, don't just stand there, Rory! (to robots) Hey, he wants to see you. (leaves) RORY: (to BRIAN) Dad, up! RORY and BRIAN follow after the DOCTOR. INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR The DOCTOR hurries down the corridor and skids to a stop when he sees the triceratops. He runs to it. RORY and BRIAN catch him up. BRIAN: What're we doing?! DOCTOR: Just do exactly as I do! RORY: Doctor, no! The DOCTOR runs up some stacked crates and leaps onto the back of the triceratops. DOCTOR: Geronimo! (waves his arm for the others to follow) BRIAN and RORY look at each other before following the DOCTOR. INT. SPACESHIP 2 The robots look at SOLOMON. ROBOT 1: Did you call? SOLOMON: What're you doing?! Stop them! ROBOT 2: All right! Don't shout. The robots leave. SOLOMON: Useless machines! INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR RORY and BRIAN clamber onto the dinosaur behind the DOCTOR. DOCTOR: Go, Tricey! Run like the wind! The triceratops bellows but doesn't move. Laser bolts are fired at them as the robots catch up to them. DOCTOR: (frustrated) How do you start a triceratops?! ROBOT 1: There they are. ROBOT 2: I know! I saw them before you. The DOCTOR tries to get the dinosaur to move. BRIAN pulls out another golf ball. BRIAN: Tricey, fetch! The triceratops runs after the ball. DOCTOR: Ha-ha! That-a-boy! Yee-hah! Come on, Tricey! Woo-hoo! ROBOT 1: They've stolen a dinosaur! ROBOT 2: I can see that. DOCTOR: Come on, Tricey! Faster, baby! The ball ricochets off a wall and Tricey turns the corner. DOCTOR: Whoa! ROBOT 1: They're turning off, we're losing them! ROBOT 2: Which way did they go? ROBOT 1: I thought you were looking! ROBOT 2: No! Now they've got away. ROBOT 1: We definitely used to be faster. BRIAN: I'm riding a dinosaur! On a spaceship! RORY: I know! BRIAN: I only came round to fix your light! DOCTOR: Come on, Tricey! The corridor comes to an end ahead of them and Tricey doesn't seem to be stopping. DOCTOR: Where are the brakes?! ALL: Whoa! TRICEY stops and they fall off. As they lie on the floor, Tricey trots up to them and drops the ball in front of RORY. She moves away and sits down. They stand. DOCTOR: Good, that worked! OK... (looks around) Where are we now? Ooh. (spots screen) Incoming message from Earth. Hello, Earth! How are things? INDIRA: 'Doctor, the ship's coming through the atmosphere. I have to start the missile program.' DOCTOR: No. No, no, no - don't do that, everything's under control here, turning round any moment. Need a bit of wriggle room on the timings... INDIRA: 'I can't do that.' DOCTOR: You can, of course you can. Tiny bit more time, Indira, please. This ship contains the most precious cargo... INDIRA: 'My only responsibility is the Earth's safety. I'm launching the missiles. Goodbye, Doctor.' (disconnects) DOCTOR: No Indira! Hey, come back! Please! INT. MILITARY HQ, 2367 A countdown has commenced on a large computer screen. LOUDSPEAKER: 'Target identified. Navigation systems locking on to target. Missile launch procedure initiated. Estimated impact: 30 minutes.' INT. SPACESHIP, LAB RIDDELL finds rifles in a cabinet. RIDDELL: Now these are what we need - dinosaur protection. AMY: No weapons! AMY grabs a rifle from RIDDELL. He hands her a magazine. AMY: Anaesthetic. These are stun guns. You're almost clever. RIDDELL: Enough to make a dinosaur take a nap. Even the Doctor couldn't object to that. NEFERTITI: You and the Doctor... Are you his queen? AMY: No, no, I'm Rory's queen. Wife. I'm his wife. Please don't tell him I said I was his queen - I'll never hear the end of it. NEFERTITI: And the Doctor, does he have a queen? AMY: I thought you had a husband. NEFERTITI: A male equivalent of a sleeping potion. RIDDELL: You clearly need a man of action and excitement. One with a very large weapon. (cocks rifle and heads for the door) AMY: So, human sleeping potion or walking innuendo. Take your pick. The women share a smile. On the screen they see the DOCTOR, RORY and BRIAN in the corridor. DOCTOR: 'That's very bad indeed. Completely unhelpful.' INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR RORY is peering at the computer as the DOCTOR paces. RORY: Doesn't this ship have any defence systems installed? DOCTOR: Good thinking, Rory! (kisses RORY on the mouth) Computer, show us weapons and defence systems. (computer shows "No Systems Available") Well, that was a waste of time, wasn't it? (slaps RORY on the face) Getting my hopes up like that. RORY: What ship doesn't have weapons? DOCTOR: The ancient species, Rory - still full of hope. BRIAN: What about the control deck? You said we should go to the control deck next. DOCTOR: (stalks away from computer) It's too late, it won't make any difference. RORY: We could at least try. DOCTOR: It won't work, Rory. The missiles are locked on. RORY: So, what? We're just giving up? DOCTOR: I don't know. I don't know. There's a flash of light and SOLOMON is there with the robots. SOLOMON: You were telling the truth, Doctor. Earth has launched missiles. This vessel is too clumsy to outrun them, but I have my own ship. DOCTOR: You won't get your precious cargo on board, though. It'll just be you and your metal tantrum machines. ROBOT 1: We do not have tantrums! SOLOMON: Shut up! (walks up to the DOCTOR using canes) You're right, Doctor. I can't keep the dinosaurs and live myself. But I had the IV system scan the entire ship and it found something even more valuable. Utterly unique. I don't know where you found it or how you got it here, but I want it. DOCTOR: I don't know what you're talking about. RORY: Earth Queen Nefertiti of Egypt. INT. SPACESHIP, LAB AMY, NEFERTITI and RIDDELL are watching the exchange on-screen. SOLOMON: 'A face stamped across history.' INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR SOLOMON: Give her to me and I'll let the rest of you live. DOCTOR: (leans in and whispers) No. SOLOMON: You think I won't punish those who get in my way? Whatever their worth? One of the robots steps forward at SOLOMON'S subtle nod and shoots Tricey. The DOCTOR, RORY and BRIAN can only watch. INT. SPACESHIP, LAB RIDDELL removes his hat as they watch the DOCTOR walk slowly to Tricey. INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR The DOCTOR kneels beside Tricey and strokes the creature as it dies. He walks back clapping slowly. DOCTOR: You must be very proud. SOLOMON: Bring her to me. Or the robots will make their way through your corpses. Bring her now. DOCTOR: No. There's a flash of light as AMY, NEFERTITI and RIDDELL teleport to the corridor. DOCTOR: (whispers to NEFERTITI) What are you doing? NEFERTITI: (walks forward) I demanded to be brought here. DOCTOR: (grabs her arm) No, no, no, no - no way. NEFERTITI: It isn't your choice, Doctor. It's mine. DOCTOR: Listen to me, if you go with him, I can't guarantee your safety. NEFERTITI: You saved my people. I am in your debt. DOCTOR: No. No debts, you don't owe me anything NEFERTITI: Then I do it of my own will. DOCTOR: Neffy, Neffy, Neffy... NEFERTITI walks towards SOLOMON. RIDDELL: No! (cocks his rifle and aims it at SOLOMON) Take her, I shoot you. NEFERTITI: (holds out an arm to keep him back) Put your weapon down. Let me make my choice. SOLOMON: Do it, boy. One of the robots steps forward and RIDDELL lowers his rifle. SOLOMON: My bounty increases. And what an extraordinary bounty you are. (reaches out to touch her) NEFERTITI: (shoves his hand away) Never touch me. SOLOMON pushes her against the wall, the sharp edge of his cane pressing against her throat. SOLOMON: I like my possessions to have spirit. It means I can have fun breaking them. (NEFERTITI pushes cane away) And I will break you in, with immense pleasure. Thank you, Doctor. Computer? Take us back to my ship. With a flash, SOLOMON, NEFERTITI and the robots are teleported away. At that moment, alarms begin to sound. COMPUTER: 'Hostile targeting in progress. Hostile targeting in progress. Hostile targeting in progress. Hostile targeting in progress. Hostile targeting in progress.' DOCTOR: (softly) Bingo. RORY: What is it? Doctor? INT. SPACESHIP, CONTROL DECK They teleport to the control deck. Two piloting chairs covered in cobwebs face each other. There is a small post between them. DOCTOR: OK, Control deck. The DOCTOR removes the cap on the post and looks inside. RIDDELL takes position by the door. RORY: So, what's the plan? DOCTOR: Come on. The missiles are locked on to us, we can't outrun them, we have to save the dinosaurs and get Nefertiti back from Solomon. Isn't it obvious?! RORY: It's sort of the opposite of obvious. DOCTOR: 17 minutes before the missiles hit, we need to turn this ship around. (uses sonic on inside of post) RORY: You said it was too late, there wasn't any time. DOCTOR: Ah, yes, but I didn't have this plan then, did I? Riddell? Keep an eye out for dinosaurs. RIDDELL: I was rather hoping you'd say that. (hands a gun to BRIAN) DOCTOR: No killing any. Rory, Brian, get rid of the cobwebs. INT. SOLOMON'S SHIP SOLOMON tries to take off but the ship doesn't move. SOLOMON: Come on, come on. We're not moving. Metal clangs against the ship. SOLOMON: He's magnetised us. We can't move away! INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR RIDDELL stands in the doorway. In the distance, something growls. He looks around and sees nothing until a raptor shows. RIDDELL: Keep walking, big chap. There's another growl and a second raptor appears on the other side of the corridor. RIDDELL swings the gun between the both of them. The first raptor growls and more join it. RIDDELL: Hell's teeth, that's really not fair! INT. MILITARY HQ, 2367 INDIRA and her team watch the screen. SPEAKER: 'Missile target will be reached in 11 minutes.' INT. SPACESHIP, CONTROL DECK The DOCTOR gets up from the floor, slamming his hand on the computer. DOCTOR: No - don't be like that! Really unhelpful. AMY: What's the matter? DOCTOR: Parallel pilot compartments, bio-configured, needs two operators of the same gene chain. That's why Solomon couldn't change the ship's course and neither can we. (BRIAN raises his hand) What? BRIAN: We can. Me and Rory. We must be the same gene thingy you just said. DOCTOR: (goes over to BRIAN) Brian Pond, you are delicious. BRIAN: I'm not a Pond. DOCTOR: Course you are. Sit down, both of you. Ship does all the engineering, the controls are straightforward, even a monkey could use them (RORY and BRIAN take the seats) - oh, look, they're going to. Guys, come on, comedy gold. Where's a Silurian audience when you need one? Anyway, two eye-line screens - velocity and trajectory. Steer away from Earth, try not to bump into the moon otherwise the races who live there will be livid. BRIAN: What? DOCTOR: Primary controls in the arms of the chairs, principle's the same as any vehicle. Eight minutes, 45 seconds. (sonics the chairs to activate them) Get us as far away as you can. (looks into post again) Right, phase two sorted. Now for phase one. AMY: (walks over) Phase two comes after phase one. DOCTOR: Humans, you're so linear. Shine a torch in here. AMY: (kneels) What're you doing? (shines torch inside) DOCTOR: Mixing my messages. (pulls out wires) How's the job? AMY: We're about to be hit by missiles and you're asking me that? DOCTOR: I work best when I'm multi-tasking. (pulls out more wires) Keep talking. How's the job? AMY: I gave it up. DOCTOR: You gave the last one up. AMY: Yeah, well I can't settle. Every minute, I'm listening out for that stupid TARDIS sound. DOCTOR: Right, so it's my fault now, is it?! AMY: I can't not wait for you. Even now. And they're getting longer, the gaps between your visits. DOCTOR: Are they? (reaches his arm inside) AMY: I think you're weaning us off you. DOCTOR: I'm not, I promise. (looks at AMY) Really promise. The others, they're not you. But you and Rory, you have lives. Each other. I thought that's what we agreed. AMY: I know. I just worry there'll come a time when you never turn up, that something will have happened to you and I'll still be waiting, never knowing. DOCTOR: No! Come on, Pond. (kisses the top of her head) You'll be there till the end of me. AMY: Or vice versa. The DOCTOR looks at AMY knowing that is a possibility and AMY looks nervously back at him. The screwdriver beeps. DOCTOR: Done. The DOCTOR and AMY stand. The DOCTOR pulls out the "innards" of the post, resting it on the rim. RIDDELL enters the room. RIDDELL: Doctor? This is a two-man job. (AMY picks up a rifle) What're you doing? AMY: I'm easily worth two men. You can help too, if you like. AMY goes out and RIDDELL follows. The DOCTOR looks at the device he pulled from the post. Resting in the middle is a large crystal. The DOCTOR breathes on his hands before rubbing them together. He reaches in and quickly snatches the crystal. DOCTOR: A-ha! (throws crystal in the air and catches it) AMY: (walks back in) Doctor, what're you going to...? The DOCTOR teleports out. AMY heads back to the corridor. RORY and BRIAN start to pilot the ship using the chairs. INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR AMY and RIDDELL guard the doorway as the raptors edge closer. RIDDELL: Quickens the blood, doesn't it? AMY: The sooner this lot go back to being extinct, the better. RIDDELL: You know what I want more than anything? AMY: Lessons in gender politics? RIDDELL: A dinosaur tooth to take home. (shoots a raptor) Dinosaurs ahead, lady at my side, about to be blown up. Not sure I've ever been happier. AMY: Shut up and shoot. In what seems a choreographed dance, AMY and RIDDELL twist and spin back-to-back as they fire at the dinosaurs. RIDDELL: Duck! With a gasp, AMY drops and RIDDELL shoots over her head. INT. SPACESHIP, CONTROL DECK RORY and BRIAN are side by side in the chairs as they pilot the ship. BRIAN: I'm... I'm flying a spaceship. Rory! We're flying a spaceship! RORY: I know! Ha-ha! SPACE We see the ship begin to veer away from Earth. INT. MILITARY HQ, 2367 MAN: The ship's trajectory is changing. INDIRA: It makes no difference. The missiles have locked on. How long till target? MAN: (pulls up clock) Seven minutes. INDIRA turns away. INT. SPACESHIP, CONTROL DECK BRIAN is treating this like a video game, cheering himself on. BRIAN: Go-o-o! That's it, that's it! That's it, that's it! Me, me, me, me! Yes, yes! This is better than golf. INT. SOLOMON'S SHIP The DOCTOR teleports onto the ship. DOCTOR: Hello! Having trouble leaving? The DOCTOR presses live wires to the robots. ROBOTS: (sing) Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer... SOLOMON stands and faces the DOCTOR. DOCTOR: (pats one of the robots) Ship's still magnetised, couldn't bear to lose you. SOLOMON: Release my ship, Doctor, (holds a weapon to NEFERTITI'S neck) or I kill this precious little object. NEFERTITI kicks SOLOMON'S cane out from under him and he falls to the floor. She grabs it and holds the point to his neck. NEFERTITI: I am not your possession now, nor will I ever be. Now stay there. DOCTOR: (saunters over and bends) Don't mess with Egyptian queens, Solomon. I hope you've learnt that now. (walks to controls) SOLOMON: What're you doing?! DOCTOR: Disabling this ship's signal and replacing it with the one from the Silurian ship. I send this craft off emitting the signal they're looking for, the missiles will follow. (turns around) Hopefully Silurian ship safe, dinosaurs safe, everybody safe. (checks watch) Bit tight for time though, shouldn't really be chatting. Neffy, let's go. (claps hands and heads off only to pause) How remiss of me, almost forgot - the thing about missiles, very literal, this is what they latch on to. (sets down crystal and pulls out sonic) Now, one press on this and the ship's demagnetised. SOLOMON: Doctor, whatever you want, I can get it for you, whatever object you desire. DOCTOR: Did the Silurians beg you to stop? (looks at computer screens) Look, Solomon. The missiles. See them shine. See how valuable they are. And they're all yours. The DOCTOR follows NEFERTITI off the ship. SOLOMON: You wouldn't leave me, Doctor... DOCTOR: (hits the button closing the gate and presses the sonic) Enjoy your bounty. (leaves) SOLOMON: DOCTOR! SPACE SOLOMON'S ship takes off heading away from the ship and Earth. The missiles change direction and follow SOLOMON. INT. SOLOMON'S SHIP SOLOMON sees the missiles on the screen. SOLOMON: DOCTOR! SPACE The missiles converge on SOLOMON'S ship and it explodes. INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR AMY and RIDDELL stand in the middle of the corridor surrounded by sedated raptors. SPACE The spaceship is now traveling away from Earth. INT. SPACESHIP, CORRIDOR The DOCTOR leads the way back to the TARDIS. RORY, AMY and BRIAN follow. DOCTOR: So, dinosaur drop-off time. (opens TARDIS) RORY: Actually, we think home for us. The DOCTOR stops in the doorway at RORY'S words. DOCTOR: Oh. Fine. Of course. NEFERTITI and RIDDELL arrive. AMY: Not forever. Just a couple of months. DOCTOR: Right, yes, I'm pretty busy anyway. I mean, I've got to drop everyone back. BRIAN: (steps out from behind AMY and RORY) About that. Can I ask a favour? There's something I want to see. DOCTOR: Oh... SPACE The TARDIS hovers above Earth. Sitting in the doorway, feet dangling over the edge, BRIAN eats a sandwich and drinks tea from a thermos. AMY and RORY walk over and stand behind him, looking out at their home. The DOCTOR comes up behind them and watches them sadly. EXT. AFRICAN PLAINS, 1902, NIGHT RIDDELL looks up at the night sky, a dinosaur tooth tied on a cord hangs from his neck. NEFERTITI steps out from the tent, hair loose, a rifle in her hands. INT. POND-WILLIAMS HOME, PARLOR, DAY RORY stands on the ladder and blows on the light fixture before inserting the bulb. AMY enters the room with the mail. AMY: MORE postcards from your Dad. RORY: Do you know what? I think it is the fitting. On a wall of photos, they have tacked up the postcards from BRIAN in exotic locations like Pisa and Rio de Janeiro, Egypt and Uhluru. The latest shows the TARDIS in what could pass for prehistoric Earth complete with dinosaurs. It bears the label "Siluria".

Plan: A: dinosaurs; Q: What was the cargo of the spaceship? A: Brian; Q: Who is Rory's father? A: Queen Nefertiti; Q: Who is one of the people the Doctor is trying to save? A: Nefertiti; Q: Who does Solomon go after after seeing her value? A: John Riddell; Q: Who is the big-game hunter? A: Silurian; Q: What kind of ark was the ship? A: reptilian; Q: What type of humanoids were on the ship? A: Solomon; Q: Who killed the Silurian inhabitants? A: Solomon's plan; Q: What was the name of the man who killed the Silurians? A: the missiles; Q: What does the Doctor prevent from destroying the ship? A: mercy; Q: What does the Doctor not extend to Solomon? Summary: The Doctor attempts to prevent the destruction of an unmanned spaceship with a cargo of dinosaurs alongside Rory's father, Brian, Queen Nefertiti , and big-game hunter John Riddell. The Doctor and his companions discover that the ship is a Silurian ark designed to carry the reptilian humanoids to a new planet along with flora and fauna from their time period. They find that a man named Solomon had killed the Silurian inhabitants in order to sell the dinosaurs on board, and goes after Nefertiti after seeing her value. The Doctor foils Solomon's plan and prevents the missiles from destroying the ship, but does not extend mercy to Solomon.

(Russ groans) Lina: You okay? Russ: Yeah, I'm fine. Lina: Yeah? Russ: Yeah. Lina: I went to Bernie's. I thought maybe we could grab lunch or something. He said you went home sick. Russ: Well, I am sick. Sick of working at Bernie's. Lina: I hope you feel better. Russ: Hey, look... Lina: You know, I get sick of stuff, too. I'd love to take a sick day. Russ: So... let's take one... Together. Lina: Someone's got to pick up the kids. Idiot. S01E10 Russ (Sighs): Oh... (Jess giggles) Jess (Sighs): I can't believe you haven't been by to see AJ yet. Russ: I know, I know, I know. How's he doing, how's rehab? Jess: I don't know. I mean, he's AJ, so it is a process. So many cool addicts there. Russ: "Cool addicts"? Jess: You know me, I love that sh1t. (Russ laughs, taps table) Russ: That's weird Jess: What's... your problem? Russ: I'm just... (Sighs) Lina and I have been fighting ever since they sold our house. Jess: Oh, sh1t, they actually sold that place? Russ: Yeah. To the Russians next door. Now we're, like, struggling to find another place to rent. Oh, God. Looking for places is the ultimate worst; She must be so stressed out, yeah. She is, without a doubt, but I feel like this is like... an opportunity, you know, to, like, change things. Jess: Like... what? Russ: Everything... all of it. I just... I want my life to feel more like... (Stammers) I don't know. More adventurous. I bought this book about traveling the world with your family; Just picking up and, like, leaving town for, like... Months, years at a time, you know? Jess: Mm-hmm. Russ: And I gave it to her just to see what she would say, and she was like, "we should just table that." Jess: Yeah, that sounds about right. (Russ sighs) Well, uh... do you want to smoke weed? Russ: I do, but we can't use the van again; Lina's tired of explaining the smell to the kids. Jess: Oh, my God, you're such a pussy. (Jess groans) (Dog whimpers) Maya: When is Jen coming? Jen's not coming; We got a new sitter. Maya: How pretty is she? Lina: Why does that matter? Maya: It matters to me. Russ: It matters to both of us. Maya: Where are you guys going anyway? Russ: Uh... we are going to visit Uncle AJ in the hospital. Lina: He's not in the hospital. Russ (Grunts): I... Lina: He's in a resort for rich people who take too many drugs. Maya: Why do people take drugs? Russ: Well... uh... sometimes grown-ups need to take something to help them forget that their lives didn't turn out the way they wanted. Lina: Sometimes they just don't want to face the reality that they're married with three kids. Maya: Wait, Uncle AJ has three kids? Russ: No, your mom was talking about me. Shepard: I just don't really understand why you can't do this by yourself. Wh-why do I have to go? Jess: Well, because AJ wants us both to be there for family day. Shepard: Right, but we're not family. Yeah, but it's really just an opportunity for him to apologize to all of the different people that he's hurt. Really? Where are they holding this thing, the colosseum? Jess: You know, it's really one of my favorite parts of rehab, because it's like when all of the different weirdos get to be like, "I'm sorry that I stole your car..." Or, like, "I'm sorry that I sh1t in your fish tank..." Shepard: Oh... I'm looking forward to this, now. (Jess sighs) Jess: If... you give it a chance, you might actually like it. Shepard: You had me at "fish tank." Jess: Okay. Russ: This is amazing. Lina: Wow. Russ: Wow, we would never be able to afford a rehab like this. No, I mean, if one of us needed help, we would have to just stay on drugs. Russ: Oh, did you get a chance to look at that I sent you? Lina: Stuff? Russ: Yeah, the link to the guy's blog? Or the book about the guy who travels the world...? Lina: Yeah, I just have been really busy. Russ: Okay. Never mind. (Ducks quacking) Lina: AJ! AJ: H-hey...! Russ: So, Jess says you've been doing really well. AJ: Yeah? Did she tell you that she's been here every day? Russ: So? AJ: So, she's a rehab junkie. She's addicted to coming to rehab. Ever since I checked in here, she's been obsessed with my recovery. Russ: She cares about you, dude. She's been sending uplifting texts to other patients. Russ: Oh, really? AJ: Yeah. Lina: I think I found our house. AJ: Oh, yeah? Lina: Crap, except it only has one and a half bathrooms. Which I just don't think is enough for five people. How much are the neighbors paying you? Lina: For what? AJ: To move. Lina: They have to pay us? AJ: Well, they don't have to, but... you can make their lives miserable. Lina: We can? Do you know how hard it is to evict somebody in California? If they want you gone, you kind of have them by the balls. Oh, my God, here he is, this is my guy. (Men chuckling) Dr. Fred, these are my very good friends, Lina, Russ, Russ, Lina. Russ: Hi. Russ. Dr. Fred: Can I steal AJ for a second? Lina: Yeah, yeah. Russ: Sure, yeah. AJ: See you guys in a second. Oh, my God, how great would it be if we could get a little extra money for our move? Maybe we could put it towards a bigger place. Russ: Yeah, or a bigger move. Lina: A bigger move? Russ: Costa Rica. Lina: You want to move to Costa Rica? Russ: Why not? Lina: Thewhole family? Russ: Yes! What? Jess: AJ! Hey, man, how's it going? Hey. AJ: What are you doing here? Jess: I'm here for family day. AJ: Mm... I thought I told you not to come. Jess: Oh, I thought you were joking. AJ: I wasn't. You really piss me off. Jess: Why, what did I do? AJ: Every time you come here, you make it all about you. Yesterday you spent an hour talking to dawn about how your mother makes you feel guilty about not being more religious. Jess: Yeah? AJ: Dawn was raped by her grandfather. Jess: Well, we've all been abused. AJ: Okay, look. You know, like, everyone has their stuff. AJ: This is my rehab, not yours. All right, well, I'll go home then, if that's what you want. AJ: No, no, no, it's okay, stay, just... be cool. Jess: All right. (AJ sighs) AJ (Laughs): Oh, man. (Jess quietly laughs) (AJ sighs) Lina: Are you serious? Russ: Yes. Lina: You want to move the whole family to Costa Rica? Russ: Yeah, I do. We get on a plane and we go down there and we stay with Kurt for a bit. Lina: Who the hell is Kurt? The guy who writes the travel blog. Lina: What travel blog? Russ: The one that I sent you that you obviously, like, ignored. No, I got the e-mail that you forwarded with the link, but I didn't open it. Russ: Oh, that's awesome. Just like you ignore every link to every house I need you to look at. Because we shouldn't be looking at that stuff. I think you're losing your mind. I'm not losing my mind. Kurt is killing it down there. He, like, opened a cafe. We could do the same thing... we could open another surf shop. Lina: Yeah, we could, and we could send the kids to school with chickens... Russ: Kurt homeschools his kids. Lina: Homeschool? Russ: Yeah, taken care of. Lina: Seriously? Russ: Yep. Lina: I prefer the chickens. Think about all the cool sh1t we would do. I can think of you surfing, and me spending all day at home with all three kids. Russ: No, you'd be teaching. Jess: There's got to be more. Yes. Grady's more of, like, a live-in-the-moment type of guy. Shepard: Which one is grady? Grady is the one who got so drunk that he jumped off the train while it was still moving. No, I think that was Glenn. Jess: No, Glenn is the man that set his neighbor's RV on fire. Shepard: Okay, 'cause I get them confused. Jess (Laughs): Yeah, I know. There are so many interesting people here. Shepard: Okay, well, maybe if I set fire to something, I'd be interesting. I don't want you to be interesting. I like you the way that you are. Shepard: Mm. I'm, I'm gonna pretend like that was a compliment. Jess: Itis a compliment. Shepard: I see. Hey. Lina: Hey, guys. Jess: Hi. Do you know if there's a Wi-Fi signal anywhere? Jess: I do. There's a really strong one at the juice bar. Lina: Thank you. My treat. They make the best smoothies. Lina: I cannot believe how frustrating this is... there are no houses for rent. Jess: Where are you looking, exactly? Lina: Well, we're kind of between something in our current school district or Costa Rica. (Jess chuckles) Jess: Why is that? Lina: Russ. He's having another one of his freak-outs. Jess: Hmm. Can I say something? Maybe it's not a freak-out. I just don't think that... I don't think that Russ is happy. Lina: You don't think my husband is happy? Why? Did he tell you that when you guys were smoking weed in my van? Jess (Sighs): He just said that you guys were in a rut. Lina: Well, who gets to be happy all the time, Jess, you? Jess: I don't know. I try to have fun. Well, I guess you're fun and I'm not. Lina, that's not... I'm not... Forget it. (Jess sighs) Shepard: Pretty swanky, huh? Yeah. I'd say. You can see why Jess likes it here so much. No, no, no, it's not the amenities. It's she likes the damaged men. It reminds her of her father. Wait. Am I one of those damaged men? Is that why she's friends with me? Are you just figuring that out now? [SCENE_BREAK] Hey... are you serious about moving to Costa Rica? Russ: Yeah. Very. Shepard: Oh. I get it. I had a Costa Rica, too. Mine was Morocco. Never made it. Russ: Don't you regret that? Shepard: Went to Egypt once. But do you think it's gonna be the best thing for the kids, truly? Russ: Is it best for them that their father is miserable all the time? Shepard: Works for us. Lina: Okay, um, do you know when we're starting the therapy thing? Russ: Uh, no, I don't. What's the rush? Lina: 'Cause I found a house. It's great. It's in our budget, it's in a great school district, and... guess what. Russ: What? Lina: There's three bathrooms. And they're having an open house today. Russ: Okay. We'll go after therapy. Lina: No, it will be gone by then. Russ: I don't care. Lina: What? Russ: You don't care about Costa Rica; I don't care about your third bathroom. Lina:My third bathroom? Dr. Fred: Should we start? Russ: Yes. Good to go. AJ: Let the healing begin! AJ: I would like to thank everyone for coming here. Well... not everyone, I guess, because, uh, everyone isn't here. I, uh... asked Roxanne to come, but she's at a women's apparel event at Newport beach, and it's kind of strange that... this was her suggestion in the first place, for me to come here... Dr. Fred: Maybe we should focus on the people who are here. AJ: My guy. Jess: I'll go. I'll go first. I want to. Actually, AJ, I would love to go first, because we're kind of in a rush. Russ: No, we're not, actually. Lina: We are. I'm sorry... Jess can go first if she wants to go first. Jess: Thank you. I do, I do. AJ: Of course you do. Shepard: What is that? What is with that attitude? I mean, Jess has come to visit you here almost, like, every day. AJ: 'Cause she gets off on it. Well, you know what? Even if she does, it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. Jess: Thanks. You get me. AJ: I would just like to say... Jess, that I am so sorry for any inconvenience my addiction may have caused you. Shepard: You aware that "sorry" is not a sarcastic word? AJ: Growing up in my house, it was. Sorry. Shep... Jess... I know I can be a handful at times and I am not always the most punctual. I dinged your car that one time, and, uh, I'm sorry that I, uh, left you that little surprise in your guest bathroom. Lina (Clears throat): AJ, I am so sorry, I love you, but I need to go. AJ: Wait, no, no, I haven't apologized yet. Lina: I forgive you. AJ: No. No, no, no, no. That's not how this works. You don't forgive me before I apologize, all right? That's putting the cart before the horse, and that's... Lina: Russ, let's go. Russ: No. AJ: No, no, no, you can't take him. Jess: If you really want to leave, we can give you a ride home. Lina: He's not going home with you, he's coming with me. Jess: Hey, you know what? You're being a little bit controlling, and this isn't about you. Lina: Don't. Jess: Don't what? Lina: Don't say sh1t, or I will go. Jess: I am not afraid of you, Lina. Please, bring it on. Lina: Okay, fine. I think you need to spend a little more time worrying about your own marriage and be less involved in mine. Jess: Meaning what? Meaning that your husband eats dinner alone every night with the nanny, and your son only speaks spanish. Shepard: Uh... spanish, it's a beautiful language, Spanish. AJ: I wish I knew how to speak spanish. You should come down to Costa Rica with us and then we could all speak spanish. Jess: Just let it go, man. She's not gonna want to bang you in Costa Rica, either... she flat... out does not want to do it. Shepard: I think you can stop now. Jess: And she doesn't even... Lina: No, it's okay. She's right, she's right. I am not gonna change, no matter where I live. So, honey, I don't think it's a different country that you want. I think it's a different person. Russ: Oh, please. (Indistinct chatter) AJ: Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, I am the one who is addicted to drugs and alcohol here, okay. Can we please bring it back to me? You want to know what I'm sorry about? That I invited you assholes here in the first place. Shepard: I love family day. Lina: Hey. Good morning. Russ: Mm. Lina: I read your book. Russ: What book? Lina: About the idiot who makes his whole entire family travel around the world with him. Russ: Oh, you did? You've been pulling out of my nightstand and putting my pillow ever single night. Yeah. Russ: That's awesome. Okay. And? Lina: Thought it was well-written. But the part in Iceland, I thought... was really scary. Russ: Uh-huh. Lina: Right? Russ: Yeah. I mean, that's what I'm worried about, you know? Russ: Yeah, that was terrifying. Lina: What part of it? Russ: The same part. When they do that, uh... They, you know... The part where the... The scary part where they do... They go through the thing. Lina: Holy sh1t. You didn't even finish it, did you? I finished some of it. I'm not a reader. Lina: You're not a planner, either. You know if we do this, I am gonna end up doing everything. I'm gonna have to find a house and find a school and find a pediatrician. Russ: That's not true. Lina: Yeah, it is, yes. Russ: I would do some of that stuff. Lina: No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't. Russ: You're better at it than I am. I could carry the luggage. Lina: You could carry the luggage. Russ: So what do you think? I mean... Lina: I think, um... Russ: Are you... into it? Lina: No, I wouldn't say I'm into it. I'm... open to it. You wouldn't have brought this up if there wasn't. Lina (Quietly): I'm a little bit into it. Russ: It'll be so good. (Doorbell rings) AJ (Laughing): Hey. Russ: Hey! There he is. AJ: Good to see you, man. Russ: Good to see you. AJ: Hey, look... I got my weekends back. Russ: Hi, Caitlin. You're looking good, man. AJ: Thanks. I'm running again. Russ: Nice. Bernie: Cool. AJ: You ever hear of the runner's high? Bernie: Yeah. How is that? AJ: Not as good, man. Not as good. Bernie: Oh. Jess: Mm. Ooh. (Baby fussing) Tomato time? What do you think? So it looklike you guys are staying put. Lina: Yeah. The new owners decided they want to wait a while to build, so we can stay for now. We're on a month-to-month. Jess: That's good, yeah? Lina: Mm-hmm, yeah, it is good. And every night after we put the girls to bed, Russ and I stay up and go online and plan our escape to Costca Rica. Jess: Yeah, mm-hmm. I get it. Lina: What about some nap time? I'm gonna tuck him in with this tomato. Yo. Bernie: You made 'em too small. Russ: No, I did not. Jess: Are you having another hamburger? Okay, first of all, it's a slider. Jess: No. Shepard: Second of all, shut up. Jess: He's trying to eat his way out of our marriage. Shepard: I heard that. Jess: I know you did. Maybe just try not to die before the Bar Mitzvah. Shepard: No, no, no, no. I got it all planned out. Jess: Hmm. Russ: What, the bar mitzvah? Shepard: No. My death. Nobody wants to hear about your death. Shepard: Oh, you know, she just wants to hear about the insurance. I would like to hear about your death. Lina: I want to hear about your death. AJ: Yeah, I freaking love death fantasies. Shepard: All right, well, here's what's gonna happen. You know, uh, leaving Las Vegas when Nick Cage goes to Vegas, and he drinks himself to death? AJ and Russ: Yeah. Shepard: So, mine is like that, but instead of Vegas, I go to Memphis, and instead of booze, it's brisket. But the idea is the same. Bernie: Okay, that's good. AJ: Good stuff. Russ: Everything in moderation. Jess: Yeah, I'm gonna od old school. AJ: Oh, yeah? Jess: The kids come in, they find mommy choking on her own vomit. Done. Russ: Good times. Yeah, it's kind of glamorous in a way. Bernie: Rock and roll. Shepard: So sweet, honey. Lina: You just said "kids," more than one. Jess: I did. We're trying. Lina: Oh, that's good. Jess: Yeah, you know, I was thinking, now when you judge me for being a bad mother, you can make me feel twice as shitty. Lina: Okay, all right. Jess: I'm doing it for you. Lina: Thank you. Jess: I'm doing it for you. Lina: That's really considerate. Jess (Laughing): Yeah. Lina: You are never going to let me forget that, are you? Jess: No. Russ: Yeah, I bet AJ's got a good death story. AJ? AJ: Oh. Oh. You think so? Russ: Yeah. Bernie: I'll hear it. AJ: Oh, I do. Shepard: It's gonna be good. AJ: So, I'm running in the canyon the other day, and I see this giant, gigantic pile of horseshit. Bernie: Mm. AJ: Must have been a 30-pound dump. And I think to myself, how great would it be to be responsible for something that substantial, right? Wait. So, what's the death part, then? AJ: I sh1t my brains out. Literally. Annot just mbrains. All of my vital organs, liver, kidneys, heart, you name it. Everything that is inside of me comes out of me. I mean, how cool would that be? Shepard: Mm. AJ: For one split second to see your beating heart in the toilet. And then you die with a smile on your face, because you know you finally did something meaningful. Okay, um, I don't want this anymore. (Laughter) Russ: That is gonna be, uh, tough to follow. Lina: Impossible. Russ: What about you, babe? Lina: Me? Russ: Yeah, let's hear it. Lina: All right, well, the girls are gone, they're in college, they're good. No one's pregnant, no one's working the pole. Cheers. Um, we sell the house, and we... Russ: Uh, wait. What house? Lina: It's my fantasy. In my fantasy, we own a house. Russ: Oh, all right. Lina: Okay? We sell the house, and travel the whole world. And we see all the places together that we always talked about seeing. And then, when we're done, murder, suicide. Russ: Ah. (People exclaim) Bernie: That's kind of perfect. Russ: You want to die together? Lina: Baby, there's no one I want to die next to but you. Russ: Oh, you're the only person I want to be murdered by. All: Aw. Shepard: That's so sweet. Jess: It's great. You guys are so cute. How come you never offered murder me? Anyone want to know how I want to die? Shepard: Yes. Bernie: Okay. AJ: Huh? Lina: Choke yourself to death. Shepard: Necktie? Jess: What's that? Bernie: s*x accident. (Laughter) Jess: Yeah, yeah. AJ: Okay. No. Bernie: Choking during s*x. s*x accident... yeah, yeah, that's good. Shepard: s*x accident. s*x accident. Russ: Can I change mine?

Plan: A: Lina; Q: Who prefers to stay in the L.A. area? A: a buyer; Q: What do Lina and Russ have for their rental house? A: a new place; Q: What do Lina and Russ need to find? A: An argument; Q: What ensues when Russ suggests moving to Costa Rica? A: the family; Q: Who does Russ want to uproot? A: A.J.; Q: Who do Lina, Russ, Jess and Shep visit at a rehab facility? A: his resort-like rehab facility; Q: Where does AJ live? A: his amends; Q: What does A.J. try to make? A: his friends; Q: Who angered A.J. by discussing their own issues? A: their own issues; Q: What do A.J.'s friends continue to discuss? Summary: Lina and Russ have a buyer for their rental house, and have to step up their efforts to find a new place. An argument ensues when Russ suggests they completely uproot the family and start over in Costa Rica, while Lina prefers the more down-to-earth choice of staying in the L.A. area. Russ, Lina, Jess and Shep all visit A.J. at his resort-like rehab facility. A.J. tries to make his amends, but gets angered when his friends continue to discuss their own issues.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Johnny: Ellen May? Where she is or did she call or some sh1t. You believe me now? Boyd and Ava intended that man to kill you. To good taste. Cheers. [ Glasses clink ] Lee Paxton. Gerald Johns. Boyd: Hello, gentlemen. I'm... Boyd Crowder. I'm s-saying go down to Tramble and talk to that guy who used to be the Harlan sheriff. Raylan: Hunter. Art: Right. And then after that, go talk to your father. Raylan: We know drew's alive and in Harlan, but it's gonna be a bitch to find him. We could use your help. You tell me right now, I will make sure you live out your days in a country-club jail. Arlo: Eat sh1t. [ Door opens ] Hasn't anybody killed you yet? Raylan: Try not to sound so disappointed. You forget you're the reason I'm in here. Raylan: [ Scoffs ] Keep telling yourself that. What is it this time, Raylan? Raylan: Drew Thompson. Is there a question in there somewhere? Raylan: Josiah Cairn says if anybody would know he is, it'd be you. Mm. Sure. I know. Drug runner... went splat. It was in a couple papers. Raylan: That's who he was. I'm asking, do you know who he is? Yeah, that's right. You're asking me, but you're asking me like you'd ask me if I want fries with that. Raylan: I can ask again... Different tone, if you like. Hey, word around the campfire, well, Josiah lost a foot recently, and I don't mean to diabetes. Has that got something to do with this here? Raylan: We can protect you. Hey, as we speak, one of your fellow inmates is cutting a deal to get a transfer to club fed... Ashland, maybe Yankton. I hear Yankton's got the best food in the federal system. Anyway, you give him up first, deal's yours. Last time we spoke, you said you weren't too happy with your circumstances. This fellow inmate wouldn't happen to share a last name with you, would he? Raylan: [ Chuckles ] You think I don't know your daddy's in here? He murdered a trustee. People gonna notice, even at Tramble. My God, Raylan. You want to screw your daddy's deal so bad that you'd give it to me. Raylan: I like you better than him. I tried to kill you. Raylan: I still like you better. Look, drew's done... with or without you. Even if you don't want the transfer, I thought there'd be enough lawman left in you, you wouldn't want to see Arlo win. Man, you're only a lawman when it suits you, Raylan. Gives you cover to do things you would have done anyways. Raylan: This coming from a guy who sold his badge to a drug cartel. Why do you care? Raylan: About you? I don't. About Thompson. Raylan: I'm paid to care. Come on. Come on, now. Tell me the truth. What's in the bag for you, scarecrow? Come on. Raylan: I catch this fella, I can write my own ticket. Bullshit. You never cared about rank. Raylan: Priorities change. [ Laughs ] Raylan: You want the deal... Or not? [ Sighs ] All right, there we go. Oh, Frank... he's an oddball. He really is. Now listen. Your best bet's wait'll he's sawing logs, right? And then you come through right here... French doors in the solarium. Boyd: That's your recommendation, huh? Yeah, well, for what it's worth. Boyd: Broken into a lot of houses, have you? Mm. No. I'll be the first to admit that's more your line of work. Just my two cents is all. Boyd: Well, then you won't mind if I, uh, do my own formulating. No, just as long as you go in between 2:00 and 5:00 in the afternoon. Boyd: What difference does that make? Well, 5:00, 5:30, that's when Trish usually gets home. Wouldn't want her to be collateral damage. Boyd: Well, Mrs. Browning the only reason you're concerned with my timing? Why else should I be concerned? Boyd: Well, Mr. Jones, it occurs to me that when I kill Frank Browning, if I were to immediately be arrested or even killed myself by some Johnny-on-the-spot Johnny laws, well, you and your friends might see that as two problems solved. No. Boyd, we don't look at you as a problem... not at all. I got a boy who mows my lawn, I got a boy that does my shoes at lunch time, and you... you're gonna be the boy who takes out my trash, right? Huh? Now, if I were to set you up, I got judges and state troopers owe me favors. I call them down on you, and you'd be locked up within an hour. You don't kill Frank Browning by the end of the week, you even try to act smart, that's how we're gonna play it, though, right? Boyd: What if I were to kill you right now, right here in this room? Well, you'd have to watch my friends destroy everything you love. Maybe it's worth it. I don't feel qualified to make that call, but like I said... This whole thing is not my line. Boyd: [ Sighs ] [ Door opens ] Givens, Arlo, here for his trim. He have a lay-in? Yeah, he should. Called him down from ad seg this morning. I don't see nothing in the book. You sure you got the right time? I guess maybe someone forgot to write it down. You know how that goes. He always like this? Good days and bad days. My grandpa's the same way. Yeah, you catch him on the right day, you'd never know nothing's wrong. Catch him [Grunts] Man, you want to give him another one just to make sure? Can't remember the last time I had to sap a guy more than twice. Jesus, what'd you give him? Just doubled up what he's already on... thorazine, chlorazine, some kind of "zine." See, this way, the tox screen won't raise any eyebrows. Ah, smart. Smart. Hey, so we got about five minutes before they notice the cameras are off. I'm gonna be outside posted up. Soon at it's over, you knock on that door. I'm gonna come in hard, pull you off of him, hit the deuces. Hey. You gotta tell this investigator you slipped in behind me when I went to the men's room. All right? Hey, now... You know you're looking at some serious S.H.U time here? I mean, supermax, even, you pull the wrong judge. Be nice to have some privacy for a while. [ Door closes ] [ Sighs ] [ Inhales deeply ] Nothing personal, Arlo. I'll do my best to be quick about it. Aah! [ Screaming ] Arlo: Get some! Get some! Get some, yeah! Get some, yeah! Get some! Get some! Aah! [ Gurgles ] [ Gasping ] Aah! Arlo: [ Breathing shallowly ] [ Growls ] [ Gasps ] ♪ On this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul ♪ ♪ God get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard ♪ ♪ fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪ [ Indistinct conversations ] Eve: That's it for this one. [ Chuckles ] You think I'll ever get used to having my mail x-rayed? Tim: I sure hope not. Raylan: 19 possibilities so far. Eve: Is that a lot or a little? Raylan: You were married to him. How can you not remember what he looks like? Eve: You know how much people change in 30 years? Time was, I looked like Ava Gardner. Raylan: [ Laughs ] It's not your bullshit itself that bothers me. It's that your bullshit makes me think you're holding something back. Eve: I'm doing my best. Raylan: Mm-hmm. Art: Raylan, come here a minute. Eve: Maybe I could remember his voice. Raylan: Maybe his aura. Perhaps if you waved your hand over each photo, one'll give you a vibe. You still look like Ava Gardner. Raylan: [ Sighs ] Art: Arlo took a shiv to the chest. They don't think he's gonna make it through the night. Have Tim finish up with Eve if you want. Raylan: No, I was almost done. Art: You sure? Raylan: I got it. Yeah. Art: I'm sorry. Raylan: Thanks. Eve: Is everything okay? Raylan? Raylan: Hmm? Eve: You okay? Raylan: Yeah. Fine. [ Sighs deeply ] Eve: Something happen? Raylan: Uh... Man who was gonna make a deal to give up Drew took a shiv in the chest. They don't think he'll make it through the night. Eve: My God. Raylan: Mm. Eve: You have to leave? Raylan: Not right away. Seeing me would just upset him. Can I get you some sweet tea? Boyd: Oh, uh, no, thank you, ma'am. You sure? Ask nice, I bet we can get her to put a little Irish in. Boyd: Well, I'm fine. Well, suit yourself. I'll let you boys get to business. Have a seat. Trish is the only reason those bastards sat still for me moving up here way back when. Didn't matter how many seams that I held leases on. They always looked at me like I was cropping a share with my daddy. But they sure did want her at their little key parties. Only reason I'm telling you this is 'cause I know that you're engaged to a head-turner yourself. Want to make sure you're coming up here with your eyes wide open. Boyd: Well, I appreciate the warning, sir, but your friends' interest in me got nothing to do with my head-Turner. That's too bad. Boyd: Too bad? Well, these boys' only hobbies are screwing and spending. So if they're not using you for your fiancée, I'd say they've enlisted you to blow a hole in the wall of one of my slurry ponds, cover their land with toxic sludge so the E.P.A will come in and shower them with superfund money. Boyd: Not that either, sir, I'm sad to say. They didn't send me up here to release your slurry. They sent me up here to bury you in it. [ Inhales deeply ] They didn't send you here to tell me about it beforehand. Boyd: No, sir. They did not. I thought I'd give you a chance to beat their price. You want me to pay you not to kill me? [ Laughs ] You do much hunting? Boyd: I used to with my brother Bowman. I haven't felt the urge since he passed. You know that old quote about how once you Hunt a man that there's no thrill in hunting anything else? Boyd: It rings a bell. I don't know that I agree all the way, but I will allow that there is nothing quite like stalking something that's stalking you back. Ain't that right, Deke? Never really thought about it. Boyd: Mr. Browning... I'm gonna say this one more time. My offer still stands. Hmm. Well... I appreciate that, Boyd. But, see, I pride myself on being the kind of man that'd rather beat you than buy you. [ Sighs ] Now you take your bottom-feeding ass out of here while you're still able. If you ever come around this house again, you best be prepared for me to get inhospitable. Boyd: [ Sighs ] Colt. Ava: How'd it go? Boyd: Fine. Ava: Baby. Boyd: [ Sighs ] He got a little ornery. Nothing I can't handle. Ava: Ornery? Boyd: Well, he's a man used to having the upper hand. Took him a little while to accept his situation. Ava: But he did? He accepted it? Baby, that's great! I can't wait to see the faces on these assholes when they find out how quick you got done what they couldn't. Boyd: Uh, is Johnny around? Ava: He was. He left about 10 minutes ago, didn't say where for. Why? Boyd: No reason. I just need a minute. Colton. [SCENE_BREAK] And then he wheels out his big gun, his security detail. [ Cellphone buzzes ] This is now a two-man job. I feel like the seat cushion for two fat people at a football game. So I don't really know what to do from here. [ Cellphone beeps ] I know I can't do it alone. I know I'm gonna need you. And I know I'm gonna need Johnny. I'm sorry, am I interrupting something? Colton: No, of course not. You were saying Browning's got backup. Boyd: I was saying that I'm between some awful hard rocks. And you're busy passing notes to cheerleaders during math class. [ Knock on door ] Ava: Boyd. Boyd: Can it wait? Ava: I don't think so. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Cellphone buzzes ] [SCENE_BREAK] [ Cellphone beeps ] [ Sniffs ] Boyd: Wynn Duffy. Wynn: I need a word. Boyd: Well, why else would you be here? Wynn: Go get a drink, Mikey. Boyd: Well, why do I all of a sudden feel like I'm sitting in the principal's office? Oh, make that the assistant principal's office. Wynn: This thing with the guy getting his foot cut off. Boyd: Josiah. Wynn: His situation has further alarmed our friend in Detroit. Boyd: His situation? Wynn: The feds have him. Boyd: Well, so what? He's not Drew Thompson. Wynn: But he could have been. Theo wants Drew found now. A week ago, you said you would have him in a week. Boyd: Well, things have gotten a little more complicated. Wynn: They certainly have. Theo's got a guy on his way down who has apparently killed more people than malaria. And it is my understanding, if we don't find drew for him so he can bring his scalp back to Detroit, he's gonna bring ours instead. Boyd: Well, that doesn't seem like real sound management style... threatening to murder loyal employees. Wynn: Do you understand? Theo is ready to scorch the earth down here. Now, are we gonna have a name to give this guy, or not? Boyd: I've got two names. That's as far as I've been able to narrow it. Wynn: Well, that's great. Should we just tell him to flip a coin? Boyd: I think we should play it safe and tell him to kill both of them. Wynn: [ Sighs ] Look, Frank. Just 'cause Crowder says they're moving against you, that don't make it so. They want a war? They want to bury me in my own slurry? I'll choke that damn pond so full of bodies, you'll be able to walk across it without getting your feet wet. You just need to calm down, all right? No, don't tell me to calm down! Tell me how we're gonna win. [ Knock on door ] Hell else am I paying you for? You're paying me for my expertise. You answer the goddamn door. [ Knocking continues ] Help you? Mr. Browning? What, are you serious? I need to see Mr. Browning. What about? Mr. Browning. That's right. Frank, how many times I got to tell you not to... [ Gunshot ] Look, I... Hold still. [ Shutter clicks ] I-I-I-I don't know... I don't know what you... Shh. [ Cellphone beeping ] Yeah. Yes? So just to confirm, the man in the photo is not the correct target. All right. Hey, look, I realize that mistakes happen, and, I mean, trust me, nobody's gonna miss old Deke here. Now, I don't know Shelby's game... I don't know Shelby. [ Gunshot ] Oh, I'm... I-I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't have been poking around. Saint Christopher. Patron Saint of travelers, sailors, pilots, and bachelors. Is that why you have it? The bachelor part. Well, actually, it belonged to Abby, my wife. Same as those clothes. She ain't dead, is she? Not that I know of. Good. Wouldn't feel right wearing a dead woman's clothes. [ Chuckles ] So, which one of you did the leaving? She did. Packed her bag one day while I was at work, left a note on top of the TV set. Going on 25 years ago, must be. My mama did the same thing. No note, but... She did leave dinner for us in the fridge. How old were you? I don't know... Three or so. Young enough I-I... can't remember what she looks like. People always told me I favored her. Now that you mention it, you kind of favor Abby some. It's funny how sometimes wearing different clothes makes you feel like a different person. But sometimes it just makes you feel like yourself playing dress-up. Well, must have a been a year after I first joined the sheriff's department before I could put on my uniform without feeling like I was wearing a costume. [ Chuckles ] Bet you looked awful handsome. Do you think that, um... That I could ever be the kind of woman who belongs in these clothes... And walk into church and not have people say, "now, ain't" that sweet? The whore's come to get saved"? I think... If you pretend to be something long enough, it's not pretending. I guess my first step would be to get right with the lord. 'Cause of how you made your living? Oh, not just that. What else? Something to do with Ava Crowder? Something you saw her do? Something you did together? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Cellphone rings ] [ Cellphone beeps ] Yeah, this is Shelby. God damn. Colton: Hey. I just sold you a bundle two days ago, and you're here for another. You're gonna be dead in a week. Come on in. Take your clothes off. Make yourself at home. Colton: Remember when I bought that last bundle? You asked me to strip then, too. You remember what I said? [ Laughs ] Yeah. Well, this time, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to insist. Colton: Do you remember what I said? Yeah, you said I could either let you in and make myself some cash, or continue disrespecting you and open myself up to a world of sh1t. Well, I want you to remember what I got right here. Colton: Okay. What can I get you? Same as before? Colton: No. I need a loan. A loan, huh? Colton: Yeah. [ Breathes deeply ] I need 20 grand. 20... mm. Well, how you want it, hundreds or tens, fives? I mean, I could give you singles if the plan is to make it rain at the lobster box. Colton: [ Laughing ] All right. How come you're not afraid of blowing your nuts off, huh? Is that 'cause you keep the safety on, or that you keep the chamber empty, or both? [ Grunts ] Come on. Please, man. Please. [ Breathing rapidly ] Colton: I ought to make you strip. [ Gunshots ] You stupid b*st*rd. [ Clattering ] Hello. I didn't see anything. I didn't hear anything. I swear it's the last time I'm gonna use, please. Colton: Open your eyes. I don't want to see your face. Colton: You already saw my face. You were watching me when I walked in. Open your eyes. I know you. I've never seen you before. Colton: We met at the V.A. You were with that marshal. Oh, yeah. Right. Colton: What's your name? Mark. Colton: Hey, Mark. I'm Colt. Want one? Sure. Okay. Colton: We are in the sh1t, Mark. [ Laughs ] I don't know what to do. Someone's trying to run a game on me, and I don't know who it is exactly, but I know it's not that girl... at least not by herself. Man, that's your business. Colton: Uh, it's your business, too, Mark. I mean, we're here, right? You have any family, huh? You married, do you have kids, anything? Figured I best get clean first. Colton: That's smart. I should do that, too. So here's the deal, Mark. It's gonna be like I was never here, right? Like this never happened. Copy that. Colton: [ Sighs ] All right. [ Gunshot ] [ Monitor beeping ] Raylan: You're not gonna say anything, hmm? Just lie there and wait me out. Doc says you've been in and out and there's a chance you'd sleep all the time I was here, but we both know you're too mean to go that easy, so come on. Give me something. [ Beeping continues ] I ain't asking for an apology. Hell, that'd take too long, and I don't want any fatherly advice. Figure if you had any worth giving, you wouldn't be circling the drain in a prison infirmary. Just... Give me something. Who's Drew Thompson? Not for me... for your grandkids. They can grow up with a chief deputy for a daddy, hear stories about their granddaddy who wasn't just a son of a bitch. [ Beeping continues ] [ Sighs ] All right, Arlo. This is your last last chance. [ Beeping continues ] [ Sighs ] Arlo: [ Weakly ] Don't go. Closer. Kiss... my... ass. You're not ticklish, are you, huh? You're ticklish? Give me that hand. [ Giggles ] Yeah. Nice and tight. [ Laughs ] Nice and tight. Ahh, ooh, yeah. [ Doorbell rings ] Oh, sh1t. Is that your wife? [ Sighs ] Ift were my wife, the worst thing she would do is ask to join in. But my wife, she don't ring the bell. Oh. That makes sense. [ Doorbell ringing ] Yeah, it does. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Doorbell rings ] Officer, what can I do for you? Mr. Keener. Yes, sir. Hold still, please. Excuse me? Just... [ Shutter clicks ] [ Chuckles ] Is... is there a problem, officer? [ Cellphone beeps ] [ Rings ] Yeah. [ Scoffs ] All right, then. [ Gunshot ] [ Gasps ] [ Police radio chatter ] So, not half a day after you asked me to look into a list of names, one of the men on that list turns up dead. Raylan: Mm. Can I assume that's not a coincidence? Raylan: I try not to assume anything, but I'll allow if it is a coincidence, it's a hell of a one. Except that now, I got a second stiff who's not on your list and was killed the same way as the first... close-range hollow-point, head shot after he hits the ground. And it would be hell's own shakes of a coincidence if he wasn't killed by the same man. Raylan: Hmm. So I guess the question here is, which one of those coincidences is just a coincidence? What's the list? Raylan: Drew Thompson's widow... or former widow, whatever she is... had her go through dmv photos, put aside any guys that could be her dearly departed, plus 30 years. You never said anything about the widow. Raylan: Seeing as that you're only interested in enforcing the law and under no circumstances are you helping Boyd stay ahead of my investigation, I don't see why you'd much care. Boyd's doing just fine staying ahead of you without any help from me. Raylan: What's that mean? Mm, Browning's wife... or widow, I guess she is now... she said that Boyd came to see him this morning a good three, four hours before you called me with your list. Raylan: What about this fella? His widow say anything about Boyd coming? Well, that ain't his widow. Wynn: Hey, where you been? You missed all the excitement. Johnny: I had some personal business. Plus, apparently, my cousin has decided to start world war III. Wynn: What are you talking about? Johnny: Well, you missed all the sirens, 'cause Boyd's dropped three bodies in the last few hours. Wynn: Boyd hasn't dropped anybody. Johnny: What? Are you saying that you killed those men? Why? Wynn: 'Cause one of them was Drew Thompson. Johnny: According to who? Boyd? [ Laughs ] Only one of them even could have been, and that would've been Browning, but that'd be a hell of a coincidence. Wynn: How so? Johnny: Well, there's been a bunch of men wanting Boyd to kill him over some land deal. Wynn: Then it was the other one... that Sam guy. Johnny: Sam Keener was an old drinking buddy of my Uncle Owen's way back in the day before I was even born. That would've been 10, 12 years before drew even got here. Wynn: So you're telling me that, uh... That Boyd just handed me his enemies list? Johnny: Oh, I'm just telling you what I know. Wynn: Mr. Crowder, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is you're about to get your wish as far as having your cousin shuffled off this mortal coil. The bad news? That makes you the man who's going to bring me Drew Thompson or die trying. And remember, you wanted this. Raylan: [ Sighs ] Ava: [ Chuckles ] I should've known. Raylan: Should've known what? Boyd: Raylan Givens, if you were coming down here anyway, why have Shelby drag me in again? Raylan: I didn't have him drag you in the first time. What's going on? Oh, what's it look like? Raylan: Did Shelby send you? Well, he's the boss, isn't he? Raylan: I just saw him not 15 minutes ago. He didn't mention anything. Well, maybe he figured it wasn't any of your concern. Raylan: Well, except I told him I was coming here. I'm sorry. We haven't met. I'm deputy U.S. marshal Raylan Givens. All due respect... Raylan: Okay, just hold up. Is that an engagement ring? Ava: Mm-hmm. Boyd: That's a big rock, ain't it? Now, as acrimonious as our relationship has been lately, Raylan, Ava and I discussed it, and you're still gonna be on the guest list. Raylan: You know the definition of crazy, right? Keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting it to come out different. Sir? I'm gonna need you to step aside. Raylan: Okay, maybe I'm crazy, or I'm just having a hell of a day. Did you just give me an order? You don't move, I'm gonna shoot you. [ Gunfire ] Ava: [ Screams ] Raylan: Jesus, I hope I got that right. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Crowd cheering ] [ Cellphone buzzes ] [ Cheering continues ] [ Clangs ] [ Cellphone rings ] [ Cellphone beeps ] Boyd: Well, I don't recognize this number. Bit there ain't but a few people that'd be calling me from this area code. My name is Nick Augustine. I speak for a man named Theo Tonin. I understand you've been trying to reach us. You have 30 seconds. Boyd: Well, now, that's not very long. It is, considering the trouble you've given us lately. Boyd: Well, if you mean by not dying at the hands of your button man, hopefully you'll understand if I don't apologize. You gave that same button man two wrong targets. Boyd: Well, now, to be fair, Mr.... I'm sorry. What was your name? Augustine. 20 seconds. Boyd: Well, now, to be fair, Mr. Augustine, I didn't give him those names. You gave them to Duffy. Boyd: Which begs the question, now, why would you want to back a man who got took when you can back the man who took him? Now, how am I doing on time? Go ahead. Boyd: Now, it seems to me, Mr. Augustine, you're desperately in need of a man down here who knows the lay of the land. A man who will not only bring you Drew Thompson, but who will also continue to make sure that your Kentucky endeavors run smoothly long after this unfortunate series of events have passed. And you want to be that man? Boyd: Yes, sir. I do. Call me at this number when you have Drew, and we'll discuss your future. Boyd: Well, actually, uh, Mr. Augustine, there is something I'm gonna need from you before that. [ Laughs ] We don't do favors, Mr. Crowder. Anything we give you now will be a debt we expect you to repay. Can I assume you understand what that means? Boyd: Yes, Mr. Augustine. I believe I do. I believe you're in the clear. Raylan: That's a load off. Art: Raylan, I just want you to know I was almost certain you weren't a cop killer. Raylan: Almost. Art: [ Laughs ] Any idea where he got that uniform? We figure he stole it from a dry cleaners. Any idea who he was? Art: No I.D yet, but five'll get you 10 he's out of Detroit. Raylan: Whole lot more where he came from. Art: Only question is, does Theo have that many more targets? Raylan: He will when he realizes Drew's still missing. Art: What about Browning? Could he be Drew? I know he was on Eve's list. Raylan: His prints match his army records. He's been Frank Browning at least since 1972. And Eve's the widow, right? Art: Mm-hmm. She really psychic? Art: Opinions abound. How big is Eve's list? Tim: 27. Raylan: Uh, 26 now that we've crossed off Browning. Art: That's a lot of people. Take a lot of manpower to cover that many. Raylan: And we don't even know if she just picked out guys that looked the least like Drew. Art: Well, I thought we were covered in bullshit before. Well, if you're looking to add to your list, you might start with the other guys Boyd's been seen with lately. Couple of clover hill swells... Lee Paxton and, uh, Gerald Johns. Raylan: Think one of them could be Drew? I think Boyd thinks so. Can't figure any other reason he'd be cozying up to them. Art: Do you mind keeping eyes on them while we try to get our sh1t together around here? Be my pleasure. I wouldn't mind putting eyes on the widow. From what Raylan says, she's something to look at. Art: [ Laughs ] Well, she's at the motel with her security detail, so I wouldn't go peeking in the windows if I was you. Why do the pretty ones always go for the bad boys? Art: I ask myself that every day. I guess they think they can change us, right, Raylan? Raylan: I still don't entirely trust him. You know, maybe we should just go at Boyd directly now that it seems that he and Theo have had a falling out. Only thing we know for sure is he's Theo's only loose end. Art: Well, him and your daddy, at least for now. Raylan: Arlo's dead. Got the call an hour ago. What? Art: You okay? Raylan: Yeah. Art: You sure? Raylan: Art, I'm fine. Can we get back to the case? Art: Yeah, we can, but you're going home. Raylan: What? Art: You're taking the week. Raylan: Bullshit. Art: No debate about this, Raylan. Rachel, Tim, come in my office. Raylan: Art, I brought you this case. Art: Raylan, this is a U.S. marshal service case. Raylan: I pulled it out of the wall of my goddamn house. Art: Well, nobody's taking it away from you. Raylan: Clearly. Rachel: Let us carry the ball for a while. We'll make sure you're there when we take him down. Tim: Yeah, what do you care if we drive the ball into field-goal range, just as long as you're there to kick it through? Raylan: Okay. Do me a favor. Tim: Yeah. Raylan: Don't say sh1t unless you know for sure it helps. Art: Raylan... Raylan: Art, look at my desk. You see any photos of the man? So what are we talking about? We're just talking about a case, a big case that I'm sure you'd love to retire on. And who's got a better chance of catching him than me? I'll take a day. Art: You'll take a few days. Raylan: I'll take two days. Go down to Tramble in the morning, claim the body, I'll be back here the day after. Art: I'll see you the day after tomorrow. But if you do one thing that I don't like, I will pull your ass. Raylan: See you then. Art: You hear me? Raylan: [ Sighs ] [ Sighs deeply ] [ Breathes deeply ] [ Sniffles ] Boyd: Gentlemen, my apologies for making you wait. Appears I wasn't clear enough when last we spoke. You don't call us to meetings. We call you. Boyd: Well, in that case, I appreciate you making the exception. We felt the job you did on Browning yesterday warranted a one-time magnanimity. Just don't go thinking it makes you the man that killed Jesse James. Boyd: No. Uh, can I offer you gentlemen something to drink? Boyd, it's 10:30 in the morning. Boyd: Well, it seems to me you're the kind of men who don't feel bound and conformed to the conventions of normal social behavior. Where the hell is Sam? Have you called him here? Well, that would be a real trick, wouldn't it? What does that mean? Boyd: Well, I don't suppose you gentlemen saw the news this morning. Someone shot Sam Keener dead. Police think it might have been the same fella who killed Frank Browning. You piece of white trash. I want to personally make sure that you don't live to see Sam put in the ground. Boyd: By doing what? Siccing all your staties on me, all them judges you tell how high to jump? Why don't you call them? Really, we got time. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Cellphone beeps ] [ Rings ] [ Beeps ] We're sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this... [ Dialing ] [ Beeps ] Boyd: They didn't pick up? Oh, they ain't never gonna pick up. See, I had a very powerful man I know put the word out that continued relationships with the three of you would not be in their best interest. Turns out fear is a powerful motivator, even more powerful than greed. Sit your white-collar ass down! [SCENE_BREAK] Now, I know people like you are used to taking from people like me. But there comes a point when people like me can't take any more taking. Now, all the things you've done, the way you built your fortunes, it might make you criminals, but it don't make you outlaws. I am the outlaw. And this is my world. And my world has a high cost of living. How much do you want? Boyd: A hundred. Thousand? Boyd: Each. Oh, and, uh, I want you to help me get a dairy Queen franchise. Cousin Johnny. Johnny: All right. You gentlemen like ice cream? Ava: I love a peanut Buster parfait. Boyd: Shh. Shh. Shh. Ava: But dairy Queen? Boyd: Dairy queens are like California real estate. Value may dip every now and then, but it always goes back up in the summertime. Ava: [ Chuckles ] Boyd: Oh! [ Chuckles ] This is it, baby. This is going legit. This is how we see to it our grandkids grow up bona fide. Ava: Three generations? Boyd: Three generations... That's right. Ava: Boyd, you think we're gonna be alive to see three generations down the road? Boyd: What's that supposed to mean? Ava: Yesterday, you got trouble from those assholes. You got trouble from Duffy. You get Theo Tonin to make one phone call, and all those troubles just magically disappear. Boyd: Nothing backs down a bully like a bigger, meaner bully. Ava: Right. But what happens when you get trouble from Theo? Who you gonna call to back him down? Is there anybody bigger than Theo? Boyd: Just God and Uncle Sam. Ava: Jesus, Boyd. Boyd: Baby, baby. Shh. Like I said, it's nothing I can't handle. Don't lose faith now. We're so close. This is our time. Let's break through that glass ceiling.

Plan: A: former Harlan County Sheriff Hunter Mosley; Q: Who does Raylan visit to ask about Drew Thompson? A: more time; Q: What does Mosley want more of? A: his own information; Q: What does Mosley want to leverage? A: the prison barbershop; Q: Where does Hunter kill Arlo? A: scissors; Q: What did Hunter Mosley use to kill Arlo? A: Duffy visits; Q: Who visits Boyd and tells him that Theo Tonin is growing impatient about finding Drew Thompson? A: two names; Q: How many names does Boyd give Duffy as possible Drew Thompsons? A: Frank Browning; Q: Who was one of the two men that Boyd gave to Duffy as possible Drew Thompsons? A: Colt; Q: Who does Johnny use as leverage? A: Boyd's place; Q: Where does Duffy tell Johnny to find Drew? A: Ava's engagement ring; Q: What does Raylan comment on when he shoots the hitman? A: the Clover Hillers'; Q: Who does Boyd strip of their law contacts and power? A: Dairy Queen; Q: What franchise does Boyd get in exchange for stripping the Clover Hillers of their power? A: his injuries; Q: Raylan learns that Arlo has died from what? A: his father's body; Q: What does Raylan leave the Marshal's office to claim? Summary: Raylan visits former Harlan County Sheriff Hunter Mosley to ask about Drew Thompson. Raylan offers Mosley the same deal he gave Arlo, a transfer to a more comfortable prison. Instead of helping Raylan, Mosley decides to kill Arlo so that Mosley has more time to leverage his own information or protect Drew Thompson, not clear which. He does the deed in the prison barbershop, and after a struggle, Hunter stabs Arlo in the chest with a pair of scissors. Duffy visits Boyd and tells him that Theo Tonin is growing impatient about finding Drew Thompson. Boyd gives Duffy two names as possible "Drew Thompsons", Frank Browning and Sam Keener. A hit man employed by Tonin kills both men. Johnny uses his knowledge of Colt's failure to kill Ellen May as leverage by texting Colt and posing as her, wanting $20,000 in exchange for silence. Johnny later informs Duffy that neither of the men that were killed were Drew. Duffy says that Johnny will get his wish about Boyd's death, but he now has to help them locate Drew in Boyd's place. The hitman who killed Browning and Keener, dressed as a Harlan County sheriff's deputy, comes to kill Boyd; Raylan arrives just in time to figure out what the "deputy" is up to and shoots him dead, after commenting on Ava's engagement ring. Boyd uses his association with the Tonins to strip the Clover Hillers' of their law contacts and power, in exchange for $100,000 from each Clover Hiller and a Dairy Queen franchise. Later, Raylan learns Arlo has died from his injuries, and he leaves the Marshal's office to claim his father's body.

[Babylon. We begin with a bizarre show. A kinda Sadomaso performance at stage. When it's finished only a few fags applauds. A crushed Brian goes to the bar.] Justin: Buy you a drink? Brian: Great news, I'm already done. Ted: Hey tomorrow nights it's the two bucks special. That makes... uh [he's looking around]... at least six bucks. Brian: I've bought a full page ad, I put cards behind every shop in Liberty Avenue, I've had even f*cking go-go boys in speedos passing out flyers. Justin: Promotion like that there find out at every block. Ted: Oh, they are ... at Poppers. [The sadomaso performer cames up, slam his lash at the bar.] Man: Drinks on the house! We're wasting our time AND our talent. Justin: I don't get it why everyone left. Ted: That's one of the great mysterious of life. Why does queers go to one club and don't get in the other. [The next morning at the park. It's raining. Mel runs to the bench, where Linds waiting for her.] Mel: Oh, I know I'm late. Sorry. Lindsay: Don't worry about it. Mel: Oh, how is my sweety? Lindsay: Oh, like a light. Mel: How much do you give her? [Linds looks straight in her eyes.] That was a joke. Lindsay: What does Jacobs got to say? Mel: Michael doesn't get a f*cking chance of proving to be a better parent than me. And the judges always favourite the mother. Look to Hunters mother for Christ sakes. Lindsay: Well, in that case it's a relief. Mel: Yeah, but there is one more thing. He thinks it's the best when I go to the meeting alone. Lindsay: And why is that? Mel: It would be more complicated between the birth-father and the birth-mother. Lindsay: But I don't think it's to good. Mel: Actually you can be complicated my case. Lindsay: Your case? We were life partner for 10 years. Mel: And now we're devorced lesbians. Not even devorcing why make it more complicated? Lindsay: But what about me? Mel: But you and I have the same arrangement than we have now. We spend equal time, same with Gus. That won't change. You just have to trust me. [A pissed Lindsay at Brian's ad company.] Lindsay: She said she's talked with her lawyer over and decided it would the best for me not to be there when she's talking with Michael and his lawyer. [Brian looking through some papers] She says the fact that we're not be together would be complicase and give Michael some ignition. But I think I have as much right to be there as she do, even if I'm not the biological mother. [Brian shows her the papers that he's looking through.] Brian: See there? It's a new ad compain for they're new sixteen out sandwhich. How do you like, "When you're hungry for a big cock?" [Lindsay looking to him, speechless.] Yeah, they didn't like it either. So what does Melanie say? Lindsay: She said I should trust her. And once everything is saddled she would share her to me. We have a deal. Brian: The way she had a deal with Michael? Lindsay: I wanna believe her. I do. I tried to be fair with the kids. Brian: Then stop bitching yourself and do something. Lindsay: I always count on you for the cold, hard truth. [Brian writing something at a little paper.] Brian: Here. Lindsay: Who's he? Brian: The lawyer is a friend of mine. I give him a call first. Stop worying about the costs. Lindsay: I'll guess I have no choice. Brian: I guess not. In a messy divorce nobody standing clean. [Justin help to paint in Michaels and Ben's new house.] Justin: When I was in LA and thinking I come back to Pittsburgh I wouldn't imagine I paint like this. Michael: Hey, I tell you what. You can sign the wall. Ben: We really appreciate your help. Some day when you and Brian get a house we turn the favore. Justin: Don't run to the paint store. Ben: Well I don't know. I guess I never did... Michael: Put trash in the attics? Ben: ...carried you over the threshold. That's what married people do, right Justin? Justin: I wouldn't know. Michael: Why don't you to carried you over the threshold? Ben: You wanna try? [Michael tries but can't even raise a leg of Ben. He carried Michael to the door.] Ben: Oh, c'mon hon. Michael: Jesus Ben! Ben: Now it's official. Michael: Let me down. [Just as they do Debbie arrives.] Debbie: Hey what's goin' on? Hey sunshine! I thoughed maybe you boys... you men could use some lunch. So I broughed some cheese steak for my son-in-law. Ben: Oh, thanks Deb. Debbie: Wow, this place is really shaving up, huh? You know what would great on the wall? Ben: Maybe some paint? Debbie: My favourite cat painting, huh? From my living room. I've been saving that for you, honey. [A pissed Michael goes to Debbie.] Michael: I'll take these in the kitchen. Debbie: What's up in his ass? Ben: Why you find out? Debbie: I'll leave that to you. [In the kitchen. Michael got a plate for Debb's lunch.] Debbie: You might me thanking for the sandwhiches. Michael: Thanks. Debbie: You're welcome. And why I haven't heard from you a week? Michael: I've been kinda busy. Debbie: Don't open up your mouth! I just asking. [she's looking in the refrigerator] You need to stalk up. I can go to the grocery... Michael: Better go. Why you don't stalk up Melanie's refrigerator? Debbie: Why the hell would I do that? Michael: You told you agree with her. You're on her side. My own mother! Debbie: What I said was, I was not on anyone side. Think of me like Switzerland. Michael: Well the same for Nazi gold? Debbie: For the neutral. All I care about is that kid. Michael: So do I. That's why I want her to a loving home with two parents. Why is that so hard to comprehend? Debbie: I try to comprehend is how angry we've been all these years for being a single mom. And you looking me in my eyes and say we're fine. The two musketeers. Apparently not. Well, I'm sorry I couldn't give you all what you want, but I gave you everything I could. [In Brian's ad company.] Ted: You are the luckiest f*ckin' in Pittsburgh. Brian: Is that the reason the bugging my office? Ted: I find you a buyer. Brian: Hurray! What am I selling? Ted: Babylon. A consortium wants to built a gallery and a buy you a really nice price. Well aren't you excited? Releaved? Over-joyed? I mean in another couple weeks you had to take loans from Kinnetic to pay for that club. Brian: Yeah, unless I turned it around. Ted: Not even Rage could managed that. Oh, and the beauty part is - we're write it off. You can use the free tax detuction. Brian: Sounds like a good... practically advice. Just walk away and leave it to the welfares. And after they finished to turn Babylon to the wall of America then what? A wallmart, Torso into target? The diner into an gallery? I am sorry Theodore. I'm sure there are millions of faggots who like nothing more than to walk the street of straight instead of died in Liberty Avenue. [Debbie's house. Horvarth comes from his shift and Debbie goes to her shift.] Carl: Hey hon. Debbie: Hi, sweetheart. How was your day? Carl: Well take your cloth down for a while and I tell you all about it. Debbie: Huh, I'm take a nappin and I'm late for my shift. It's sausage there but be careful. [They kiss each other.] Carl: When you will be back? Debbie: Around one. Carl: Perfect, I'm be sleep around 12.59. You know, when we decided to live together I actually though at the same time. Debbie: You know, it's not only like this. Carl: I didn't want to come home to sausage. I wanna come home to sausage and you. Debbie: As soon as Betty is back from her surgery, I don't have to do the late shifts. Carl: Why you have to do any shifts? Debbie: What are you talking about? Carl: You kill yourself at the diner every night on your feet. Why? Debbie: That's what I do! That what I'm always done. Carl: That doesn't mean you have to keep doin' it. Debbie: Where got my money? Printed? You had arrest me. Carl: I have money. Debbie: Carl, I never have lived on anyone. I'm never ask for a dime and I don't starting now. Carl: You're not asking. I'm offering. Sweetheart, you've been looking after other practically your whole life. You deserve a little time for yourself. For us. [Chanel 5. The newsteam.] Don: OK, everyone. I'd like you to meet Emmett Honeycut, our new Queer guy. Emmett: It's so excited here to meet you all. Don: Jake Emmerson, our news anchor. Emmett: Oh my god, you're even hotter than in person, if that's possible. Don: Mirie Jamasushi, our co-anchor. Emmett: I'd loving your hair. It's so much flattering than the lucy red curl you had on the Monica Levinsky scandal. Don: Don Lokert, sports. Emmett: Hey bud, I love your show. Don: And our wheater man... Emmett: I swear by you. When you say it's rain the other day and all the other queens laughing at me when I bring umbrella, but though where laughs at the end? Yeah, me. Well it's the great be part of the team. [After this meeting a crushed Emmett needs a crying shoulder. And that's... Ted... in the diner.] Emmett: You should see how they looked at me. Like I was some alien from Uranus. You know what anyone says, it's an relief and come back to talk. Ted: Yeah, I feel the same after a day at Worthshafter. Emmett: Yeah, but you can pass for straight. My flames are always burns too bright and too high for that. Ted: Man, can you head up my soup? Emmett: You know, I always end up the bench. [Cut to Debbie at the bar. Justin is coming to her.] Debbie: f*ck! Justin: What's wrong, Deb? Debbie: It's just this goddamn sign. I had write "Help" but aren't enough room for "Wanted" and not even to requirement. Justin: Let me. Debbie: Sure it helps with an artist in the family. Justin: Who's leavin'? Betty? Kicky? Debbie: Me. Justin: You? Debbie: What? It that so hard to believe? Justin: You can't leave the diner, Debbie. You are the diner. Besides, what would we do without you? Debbie: Still complaining you have cold soups. [to Ted] Don't think I didn't hear it! Justin: Isn't something wrong, isn't it? Debbie: Hmmm? Oh, hell, no. It's just hearing the last 25 years the boys complaining for not finding a man. Well, I finally found one. Except I never home with him. How dumb is that? Justin: But what would you do? Debbie: It's always some bright, new challenge. Some shining new adventure. Like you. You were in f*cking Hollywood. Justin: But I came back to f*cking Pittsburgh. But what if you want to come back and you can't because someone has that place. Debbie: Honey, when I'm gone, I'm gone. I donate my dress, say so long to the Liberty Diner, and hello Liberty. [she's looking at Justin's sketch.] Well, that's not a sign, that's work of art. [At the evening in Brian's loft. Brian comes home and umbrace Justin, who's looking through some drawings.] Brian: [to Justin's sketch] Not bad. Justin: It's brilliant. Brian: Yeah, your artists can never get an higher opinion of himself. Justin: They're part of my final school project. Brian: It still can. Justin: It's too late. Brian: Well, after Hollywood it's could be feel like prequel. Justin: Another very good one. I'll take my time, look around, figure out what to do next. Brian: I got it. How about a full-time carrier on Pittsburghs hottest advertice agency? [Justin kisses Brian.] Justin: Thanks, but it's time to make my own way in the world. Brian: Just as well, since I hear the guy who loose his shirt... Justin: I'm sure he survive like he always does. Beautify. You're goin' somewhere? Brian: To the soon to be former Babylon. I can't let up the ship without the captain sink. Justin: The club red took my in LA to hire to work with it. We're should go for fags around three blocks and kick it in. Brian: It must be a hell of a place. Justin: It wasn't different than here. Brian: Sunshine, how paid along without you? Justin: You didn't. [They go to the bed and Justin kisses Brian. Cut.] [At the diner. Debbie gets some interview for her job. First an old woman.] Woman: I was with a club for 12 years, then I did a 10 year job at Charlies... [she cough]... smokehouse. For the past 19 years I was in the food garden, helping to rest up. Debbie: So why did you leave? Woman: The owner died on his own burgers. [while she's laughing she must cough] Debbie: Well, you certainly do qualify. So, I'll be in touch. Woman: Thanks. Oh, by the way, is here a place where I can get some cigarettes? Debbie: Yeah, Liberty Ricker, just right down the street. [Justin and Ted are siting at the bar. Justin put the TV on.] Justin: Hey Deb, it's almost time! Debbie: I'm comin'! Ted: Ready for the big premiere? [Cut to Chanel 5 News.] Jake Emmerson: Well, thanks. Now next to a guy, who's not exactly an normal man but hopefully he can score a few points with our viewers. Tonight we intruduced the newest member of the chanel 5 news team, offering life from different prospected - our very own queer guy. Emmett: Thanks Jake, I'm Emmett Honeycutt - you're queer guy here to give you insides and tips on how you make your life more... better. Debbie: [to Ted] You didn't tell me he was the queer guy for the 1700 club. Emmett: So guys, I mean man, you brush your teeth, comb your hair, even splashed on your aftershafe. But didn't you forget something? That's right, we're talking about those perskin' nose hairs. [Off the camera the anchor man lift his eyebrow, then he's looking to the sports man.] Emmett: Nothing turns the ladies off than a jungle coming out of the nose. [Cut back in the diner.] Ted: Nose hairs? At his big opening number? I mean that's rediculous. Debbie: I got it. [A mid-age woman coming in the Diner. She's very shy.] Woman: 'cuse me. Debbie: Yeah, have a seat, hon. I'll get your order in a minute. Woman: I'd like to apply for the job. In the window, it's says inquire to come in. So I'm inquiring here. Debbie: Well, in that case step in to my office. [She's siting at a table. Cut back to the TV.] Emmett: "Next time, don't forget to snip. Back to you, Jake." Jake: "Thank you, queer guy for that queer advice. Up next." [A shocked Ted looks down.] Loretta: My name's Loretta Pye. With an "Y". Debbie: I'm Debbie, with an "ie". So Loretta, you've done waitressing? Loretta: Well, when waitring on my husband count. Debbie: Depends at the tips. Loretta: Not too good. Other than that I didn't have much experience, but, uh, but now I'm need a job. Debbie: Did your husband pass on? Loretta: Um, I,,, he's much alive. He throw me out. He came home unexpectedly from job and caught me kissin' my friend Cheryl. We'll make cimmon buns - I mean it was a one time thing. I mean, she's married. She got three kids, it was spare the moment. I mean, we'll licking the icing spoon and one licking to another and... I should'nt told you all that. He says I always talked to much. Debbie: You can say whatever you f*ck want. Well you all hear me. But um, work here isn't easy. You know, there is taking orders, bouncing places, make sure that the customers keep the pants on, literally. Loretta: I'm a real fast learner. All my teachers at school used to say so. And I'll promised I'll work hard. Debbie: Maybe so, honey. Loretta: Ok, look - I know I don't have any qualificate for that job but it's just know I can't go at home. So please give me just one chance. [With that she stands up, grab the coffee jar and pour Debbie some coffee in a glas.] Loretta: Freshin' your coup? [Debbie must smiling.] [In a attorney room. Lindsay speaks with the lawyer, Brian advise her.] Lawyer: Well it used to be call a mother was simple - it's the dear lady who birth you. She wipe your nose, she bake you brownings, and once a year she spends a special for thanking her sacrificing. But these days are small complicated. Biological mothers, birth-gave mother, lesbian mothers. Thanks for calling me. But get back to your case. Lindsay: Well, I'm not sure I have one. Lawyer: But I am, otherwise I'm wasting my time or Brian's money. In fact I'm seeing a good chance with all the details you've told me. Lindsay: But you didn't wanna use what I'm told you, are you? Lawyer: Everything we've discussed here is of course confidential. I were a fool and a lausy lawyer if I didn't. Lindsay: You musn't. I said such aweful things about both of them. Lawyer: But nothing the truth, I think. Lindsay: I'm yes, but... Lawyer: And we must prove that you have the same right to be Jenny-Rebecca's parents like they are and sharing the custody. Lindsay: But Melanie is my partner. Lawyer: Was. Lindsay: And Michael is a dear close friend, who we're choosing to be the father. Lawyer: But they betrayed you and now you can't trust them. That's why you come to me. Lindsay: If I'm say these things, the things you want me to say,... [pause] they're wont forgive me. Never. Lawyer: Well it's too late to worry about that. Besides, you need a lawyer. [At the street, at night. Ted and Emmett going and some guys checking Emmett out.] Emmett: Just see that? Ted: What? Emmett: I'm gettin' cruised, by everybody. Ted: Is it ever occured you that it might be me? Emmett: Would you cut it out? You're brave for your age. I mean for any age. Oh, I know. They must recognise me from the news. I underestimate the power of media. Ted: I see how annoying it is what repeating it. Emmett: Allright, Mr. Grumpling - you feel better when you go to Poppers. Ted: You mean, you will. Nobody will see at me until I look 10 years younger. Emmett: Hey, Poppers is this way. Ted: Babylon is that way. Emmett: But we don't wanna go to Babylon. Ted: I said we're give Brian your help. Emmett: Allright it shouldn't be long until we're out there Ted: What's goin' on? [SCENE_BREAK] [In front of Babylon a huge line of man who wants to get in to Babylon. In front of it a bodyguard decide who will go in and who not.] Guy: Hey, why I can't get in? Brian: I'll let him in - on troll's tuesday. Ted: Where all those guys coming from? Brian: Well it seems that Babylon it's once again the place to be. Oh, it's shilly out here. Shall we go in? Bodyguard: [to Emmett] Oh, not you. Emmett: Excuse me, do you realise who I am? I'll be the chanel 5 "Queer guy" which makes me a very important homosexual person. Bodyguard: Each of us in a own way is unique and beautiful and special. But they didn't get in either. [Inside of Babylon. The dance floor is empty like usual.] Ted: There is nobody here. [Brian give the man who's walking inside money.] Brian: Here you go boys. 100 for you, 100 for you. Ted: Your hired those guys? Brian: You see the crowd out there. Ted: The concept is we want people to come in. Brian: What's the rush? Justin: In LA they used that way. Ted: That isn't LA. Brian: Theodore, let me remain you something - fags are no different than people. Tell them they can't have one thing and suddenly it's all they want. And they won't give up untill they get it. Now we show up outside and allowe more of the "beautiful" people to get in. [Liberty Diner. Debbie watched over Loretta's first shift here. She served two meals.] Loretta: Two special's. [As she turns around Debbie mounts something to her. She turns around for...] Loretta: Enjoy it. [she turns to Deb.] My knees are shaking, my nerves a wrack. Debbie: You're doin' fine. [From another table a very young snoob screaming.] Man: Where's out food? I ordered it a year ago. Loretta: It's up there and right by you. Oh god, which is which? They all look the same. Debbie: It's a tuna, vegatable, cheese. [She's serving this three meals but mixed up something.] Loretta: Tuna, vegatable, cheese. Enjoy it. Man: Hey, I don't want fries. I'm watching my cards. Bring me some slope. Debbie: I recommend you an extra crush at the gym because we don't subistute your request. Enjoy it. [they go a little bit aside of them.] Debbie: Each of them are princess. And when they want it then you must say where they're stick her cephter at. Loretta: I can't to that. Man: Waitress! Debbie: This is a diner, honey. It's kill or be kill. Man: Waitress! Christ! Must I wait three days like those lemmon bars? Loretta: [whispers to Deb.] Kill or be killed. Man: Well, you stand there pose than you can take my order. Loretta: That'll be a milk shake, and a ball of chicken brough. Man: Why do I want that? Loretta: Because the next time you snap the fingers on me the only way to be able snap anything is through a straw! [Loretta turns around a looks at a amazed Debbie.] Debbie: I told you, you f*cking got it! [The chancel 5 news team. Before the next show. The executive producers will speak with Emmett.] Emmett: Don, Don, got a minute? I have an idea for my next segment. I'm starting like be a member of the team. I like to explore something of interested 40% of our market. Don: Enlarge the prostata? Emmett: Wearing brown shoes with black socks. A common fashion four pa that be easy can be correct. Don: It's humiliation, huh. [he looks down at him. Obviously he's wearing those combination.] Emmett: Except on some man, such as yourself who have the selfconfidence. Don: Look Emmett, I'm sorry. But after tomorrow, the queer guy is chanceled. Emmett: You... canceled? Don: Yeah. Emmett: But I only were on at once. Don: That was enough! The audience didn't buy neither than the management. Look, we want a queer guy and frankly you're not queer enough. [Here we go - the hearing of the three lawyers and formely friends.] Mel's Lawyer: My client was under the impression that Miss Peterson had aggreed to work out the custody agreement of their own after matters Mrs.Marcus and Mr.Novotny was settled. Lind's Lawyer: Only the way my client trust Mrs.Marcus to consider her interested with enlisted your service. And considering we're in middle of a divorces Mrs.Peterson has all rights to engage her legal counsil. Michael's Lawyer: Allright Tom, I think we can accept the fact that you're here and have no attention to leaving. However I would to point out that your client has no legal right to this child since she's neither the biological nor the adopted mother. Lind's Lawyer: C'mon, Bobby, she's lived in comment arrangment for 10 years. They're had a commitment ceremony. She was the primary care giver of their first child. She support Mrs.Marcus with the sperm tester and through her pregnany. Mel: Well she's having a affair. Lind's Lawyer: A single sexual encounter. Mel: I say how much didn't count. Lindsay: For which I appologice more than one time. Lind's Lawyer: I also want to point out that Mrs.Marcus is engage in her own fatalitys. Mel: That was before we were married. Michael's Lawyer: Excuse me, but what the hell has an affair got to do about a good parent? Linds Lawyer: More then one occasion Mrs.Marcus has dangered the life of the unborn child but refusing to hear of her own doctor orders, over working to a point of casion almost causing a misscarriage. Mel: Is that what you've said? It's a goddamn exaggeration. Mel's Lawyer: Mel... Mel: I was f*ck fine! Lindsay: We were not fine. Linds Lawyer: That qualifies Mrs.Peterson to a better mother biological or other-wise. In fact by a biological mother in first place my client of more qualify as Mrs.Marcus or Mr.Novotny. Michael's Lawyer: Experience is not a qualification for parenthood. What first time parent has experience that you learn on the job. The fact remains that your client has no claims biological or legal. Linds Lawyer: What she has is a moral claim, it's far more than Mr.Novotny who, let's face, he's a sperm donator with a overrated sence of his contribution. Michael: Hey! Linds Lawyer: His well be is moral unfit. Michael's Lawyer: What are you implying? Linds Lawyer: He lives with two HIV positive man - one of them are a male prostitute. Michael: Is that what you've told him? He's a former prostitute who was abused by his mother. Linds Lawyer: Mr.Novotny has a history of drug use, pretend none gay sexual estabilshment by creating a violating, pornografic comic book. I believe it took a lot convince the jury that he has more rights at this baby than Mrs.Peterson. Michael: Thanks a lot, Lindsay. Linds Lawyer: So, we have two choices. We can workout an equal agreement between Jenny-Rebacc's three parent, or we can go to court and hear what the judge say to all this. It's your dicision. [At the gym. Ted looks at the other man while Justin and Brian are work out.] Ted: But lift, eyebrow lift. Brian: Hey do a little work unstead counting who's have done. Ted: And I should do this... Justin: To keep your mind and body healthy and in shape? I only do this because the guys can check up my ass. Ted: Check back when you thirty... five and the sun is set down after a endless summer. I come to gym for 18 year three time a week. That makes 2.116 hours spending in the gym. And look at me - it's exactly the same or more than less of me. [A shocked Emmett comes up, throw mat of the floor and snips.] Emmett: I've been cancled! After today queer guys's gone. And you know why? Because they though I wasn't queer enough! ME! I've been says many, many things, but never got queer enough! Brian: It's not only unstonstibly, it's unfagnable! Emmett: You know me! Isn't there any queer things on me? Justin: Actually you seem a little... Ted: Reserved. Emmett: Reseved? Ted: You know, you let down your usualy behavior. Emmett: Well, I'm a newsman now. I had a lower flame a bit. I mean I thoughed if I was as usual I turn people off. Brian: Well instead they turned you off. I believe in life lessons. Ted: They're hire you because they didn't want some stiff, straight guy who look as he has something in his ass. Brian: They want some gay guy who has a fist in his ass. Ted: They want you - Emmett Honeycut. Brian: Queerst, nelliest, hoho-homo in the who-who-whole wide world. [In Woody's. A crushed Michael siting beside Ben.] Ben: You don't touch your drink. Michael: I didn't buy that drink to drink. I want to stare at it. Ben: You had a shock. Michael: I had a shock that Lindsay's lawyer did on me. Maybe I'm some betray drug user. s*x feed... [At this Brian appears] Brian: Don't change the subject for me. Michael: f*ck off! Brian: Nice to see you, too! Maybe I can enjoy yourself, although I though you won't go in those dubious establishments. Ben: What's wrong to drink with an old friends? Michael: Yeah, noticed keyword "friends". You hired that lawyer for Lindsay, didn't you? Never mind, it's obviuos. How else she could afford it? She can barely pay her appartment. Ben: When Brian pays for her lawyer it is his money and none of our business. Brian: Well said, professor. Michael: Hell it's not! Your my friend. I though my best friend. Brian: I am. Michael: Then why are you helping her? Brian: I would done the same for you. Michael: You can do for me to stay the hell out of it. Thanks to your generosity to splitting Jenny-Rebecca three ways. Brian: Well, these gays have kids. I'm asking you - Lindsay's are parent too. She has much right for sharing custody as you and Mel. [With that Brian goes away.] Michael: You know, sometimes I swear I don't even know the f*ck who he is. [The last news with the "queer guy" Emmett. He look to the other guys in the studio] Don: OK everybody, places everyone. [Emmett undress his jacket.] EP: And we're back from commercial in 5, 4, 3, 2... 1... Emmett: Hi, I'm Emmett Honeycut, you're queer guy. [With that he stands up and goes around the table and sits over.] Emmett: Now for my final segment I'm gonna show you how a little fairy transform can even the most hopeless of heteros. [He goes to a guy behind the camera.] Oh, here's a spicy of men and you are? Clim: I'm Clim. Emmett: Clim, is it short for Climentine? I didn't think so. [He leads him to his seat and goes behind him.] Emmett: Well Clim, as a concerning queer guy eye tells me that you could use some devine intervention. Unfortunately she's dead, but don't worry queer guy can help. [With that he pulls out a bag at the table and looking for something.] Emmett: Starting with the hair - a little product... [With that he make some gel in his hair and brush the hair to the occiput.] Emmett: Oh, very cool. Now what's that for a shirt? Fortunately I always travel with a spare. [he pulls out a pink shirt.] That's a helpful little tip for all you hot, sweaty man - not everone can warry on candy pink. One more thing - the good lord gave us two eyebrows for a reason. To seperate us from the apes. [He turns on a electric shaver. He shave a little in the middle.] Emmett: Alright, there. Welcome to civilisation. Now you turn into such a hottie. I'm Emmett Honeycut, and you're queer guy by any minute. EP: And we're out. [With that all audience starts to cheer Emmett.] [Cut to Mel. Lindsay and Gus are also there.] Gus: Hey mommy. Mel: Hey, look who's here! Lindsay: OK Gus, we're eating and then go. Mel: Look what I'm made you. [She give him chocolate.] Lindsay: Just what he needs - sugar. Mel: Well it's not gonna kill him. Lindsay: You don't need him hear screaming until 2 in the morning. Mel: When he's with you, you can feed him what you want. If he's with me, I feed him what I want. Until you plans to tell your lawyer I'm abusing him by feeding him with Browny. Lindsay: I was just looking after my interested. Mel: Yeah, you can say that again(!) Lindsay: Same as you. Mel: I though I say I can take care, but that wasn't enough. You got what you want by describing me. Lindsay: I didn't start this custody battle - but I'm be damned if I don't stand up for myself. Mel: So when do you plan to take our daughter? Lindsay: Your lawyer has a schedule. Then we can fight about who get's Tuesdays and where get's Thursdays. Mel: You surprised me. I had no idea you're such a killer. Lindsay: I've learned from the master. [With that she leaves.] [Liberty Diner. The cook taking a cigarette break.] Debbie: Well Pete, that's it. I delivered my last pink plate special. [With that she takes out her chewing gum and throw them in the ashtray.] Pete: We're gonna miss you, Deb. Debbie: I've working at the front door that you evendidn't noticed. Loretta: Deb, we're got a destaster at table 3. Debbie: Loretta, honey. I'm sure whatever it is you can handle it. Loretta: Nothing from you had prepare me for this. Please! Debbie: I'm coming. [They all goes into the Liberty Diner. All the friends makes a Surprise Last Workday Party.] All: [cheers] # For she's a good homo, for she's a good homo, or she's a good homo, and nobody can deny. # Debbie: [overwhelmed.] I don't know what to say! Beside I didn't noticed I have a gay man chorus. But it's the sentiment that counts. And in that department you all stars. You're always be in my heart. Just like this place, always. And it's in good hands here with Loretta. Don't give her any sh1ts, she was training by me. And she give it right back. And take a quarter there for the Victor Grassi house that is nearing dear to me - like all of you. [All cheers.] Loretta: Thanks for saying that. [With that she hugs her. Michael comes up. He's carrying flowers.] Michael: Here Mom, thanks for everything. Debbie: I'm surprised to see you here. Michael: I'm coming here all my life. I've always sit in that booth - right over there, every day after school. It was my seat. And you bring me... Debbie: A butter crunshed sunday. Michael: Well I did my homework. And all the kids were so jealous. When my birthday all around you come into my class with cup cakes and milk shakes and serve all the kids in your uniform. Debbie: And some in your class even give my tips. Michael: I thoughed I was pretty lucky. I was pretty lucky. Debbie: You ever feel that the other day? Michael: I know how hard it was for you, raising me alone. And you even did more the best of it. You were the best. [A near the tear Debbie hugs her son Michael.] [Well back in the empty Babylon.] Ted: At Babylon, still here and still queer. [Justin, Brian and Ted are drinking at that. Brian looks around and see the go-go boys dancing to the music in an empty dance floor. Then all three goes to the entrance.] Brian: OK, let them in. [In front of Babylon a huge line of gay mens.] Ted: Holy sh1t, you noticed how long the line is? Justin: It's long but is it real? Brian: Just you say you bet your ass it is. Ted: [see's Emmett] Hey, you got in! Emmett: It wasn't easy - I had to buy the doorman 20 bucks. Man#1: Oh my god, it's the queer guy. I saw you in TV. Fabulous. Emmett: Well, one has the eye. Ted: Can I have the eye for a dance from the queer guy? Emmett: You could use some tips on how to make you tooth. [Inside - Brian and Justin are walking into the backrooms.] Brian: Uh, like a garantue they didn't find anything like this. And even in the babane republic you can see such a banana like this. [He inhales E.] Brian: So, you up for a little celebrating? [They kiss each other and around them more guys who f*cks and sucks. Cut to black.]

Plan: A: Brian; Q: Who is struggling to save Liberty Avenue from gentrification? A: domestic life; Q: What does Michael embrace? A: The street; Q: What may never be the same when Debbie retires? A: newcomer Loretta Pye; Q: Who takes over the diner? Summary: Brian and Michael grow further apart as Brian struggles to save Liberty Avenue from gentrification and Michael embraces domestic life. The street may never be the same when Debbie decides to retire from the diner and newcomer Loretta Pye takes over.

This transcript is merely for those that do not have access to Buffy the Vampire Slayer on the TV. It is not to infringe on any copyrighted material, merely to spread and promote BTVS. Feel free to distribute this, so long as there are no modifications made. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to the Bronze. Oz is onstage with Dingoes Ate My Baby. (Four Star Mary) Pan over to where Buffy and Willow are sitting at a table chatting. Willow : Hey look. Parker's here. You're not looking? He looks really cute in green. Buffy : Teal. He's reflected in the mirror. Round security mirror shows Parker shooting pool. Willow : You know when you spend all week with a boy you are allowed to look at him directly. Buffy : Not all week. We hung out. Moderately incessantly. But we're not here together tonight. You know, I don't want to crowd him. Willow nods. Cut to Oz taking off his guitar and leaving the stage as the crowd applauses. He walks over to Buffy and Willow's table. Oz : Hey. You guys ready to load up and go? Willow : Almost. Buffy's looking at Parker. (Cut to round mirror again where Parker is still reflected playing pool.) Who it turns out has a reflection, so big plus there. Buffy's having lusty wrong feelings. Buffy : No I'm not. Willow : No, you're not. Buffy : Oh, I so am. Willow : No, uh, they're not wrong feelings cause you're free, you're both grown-ups. You are free, right? Parker walks over and puts his hand on Buffy's shoulder. Parker : Hi. Buffy : Hi. Parker : I just wanted to let you know I'm headed out. And it's not real safe here, so if you want to walk back to your dorm. Buffy : How silly of me not to have planned ahead. Willow smiles and Buffy gets her jacket and stands up to leave with Parker. Willow : Bye. Parker : See you guys. Buffy and Parker have left leaving Willow and Oz at the table. Buffy turns back and smiles at Willow, who nods, happy for her friend. Cut to the back lot at the Bronze. Willow, Oz and another member of Dingoes Ate My Baby, Devon, are taking equipment out to Oz's van. Devon : That was like the best set ever. We'll do great in LA. We're gonna have them glued to their seats. Willow : Uh, Devon. Aren't they supposed to dance? Oz : Well, we can glue them to the dance floor. Oz and Devon head back into the Bronze leaving Willow outside. Devon : I didn't mean with real glue. You got that right? Willow is sliding a case into the van as she hears a voice, and turns. Harmony : Willow, hi. Willow : Harmony, hey. I haven't seen you since - Harmony : Since graduation. Big snake huh? Willow : Yeah. So, how was your summer vacation? Harmony : Well I was gonna go to France. But I didn't. I was dying to see the stores. Willow : Yeah, and the museums. Harmony : Museums? Willow : Yeah, I heard they have them. You know, just a rumor you pick up on the streets. They laugh. Harmony : You were always so funny Willow. You haven't changed a bit. Willow : No, you neither. Harmony : Oh, maybe a little. Vamps out and grabs Willow and begins to feed. [Opening credits] Oz appears with a mic stand shoving her out of the way, then brandishes a cross. Willow : Back off Harmony. Harmony : Okay, fine. Hide behind your boyfriend. But I have a boyfriend too. And he's gonna be mad that you were mean to me. She runs off and Willow and Oz relax. Cut to Parker and Buffy walking along the street. Parker : Uh, hobbies. Interests. I feel like there's so much I don't know about you. What do you like to do? Buffy : Mostly I hang out. And do ... stuff. Parker : Yeah, I was into that for a while. Hey, what's that. Buffy : What's what? Parker pushes aside the collar of her jacket to reveal the scar from when Angel fed on her. Parker : You have a scar. Buffy : Yeah ... right ... angry puppy. So, I get to see any of your scars? Parker : Oh, mine are all psychological. Buffy : Please, those are the best kind. Parker : Well my father died last year. Buffy : Oh, God. Parker, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up, that stuff. Oh, bad, bad Buffy. Parker : No, I'm okay to talk about it now. And I'm not doing to deep, get sympathy routine. I mean don't you just hate guys that are all 'I'm dark and brooding so give me love?' Buffy : I don't think I've ever met that type. They sit on a bench. Parker : I just wanted to say that it was so sad cause there was well, a lot of stuff that he didn't finish. It make me think about, you know, living for now. Buffy : I think about that sometimes. I sort of drowned a couple years ago. But I came back. Obviously. But I don't, I don't put stuff off anymore. Like you were saying. Parker : That's great. I mean, everybody says they get it. 'Oh, man. Me too. Live for today.' But what they really what is a reason to goof off. Not study for finals. Buffy : Also a valid life choice. Parker : It's cool to find someone else who understands. Buffy : So Parker Abrams. When you go to sleep tonight, what are you going to regret not doing today? Parker : I'm going to regret ... being too nervous to ask you to go to the party at Wolfhouse tomorrow night. Do you want to go to the party - Buffy : Yes. Cut to Giles apartment where Xander is attempting to shelve Giles books. Xander : I am not enjoying this. Giles : Well shelve them correctly and we can finish. Xander : I don't get your crazy system. Giles : System? It's called the alphabet. Giles grabs a book and puts it in it's correct place. Xander : Huh. Would you look at that. Anya walks in and Giles walks over to where she is. Anya : You should lock your door. Giles : Believe me, I'm kicking myself. Gets a look from Anya. Xander walks over surprised. Xander : Anya? Last time I saw you fleeing in terror. So how'd that work out for you? Anya : I need to talk to Xander. (Gets a nod from Giles. She glares at him.) Go away. (She smiles at Xander and grabs his hand, leading him out the door.) Xander come with me. Xander tosses a look back at Giles, then follows, shutting the door behind him. Anya : Your mother said you were working here. Xander : Yeah I need some money. Anya : (Abruptly) Where is our relationship going? Xander : Our what? Our who? Anya : (Matter of faculty.) Relationship. What kind do we have. And what is it progressing toward? Xander : I ... Uh ... We have a relationship? Anya : Yeah. We went to the prom. Xander : Yeah, On our one and only date. Second date called on account of snake, remember? And the whole, you used to be a man killing demon thing. Which to be fair, is as much my issue as it is yours. Anya : I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes in my dreams, you're all naked. Steps towards him, eyes widening. Xander : Really. You know if I'm in the checkout line at the Wal-Mart I've had the same one. Anya : So I can assume a standing Friday night date and a mutual recognition as Prom night as our dating anniversary. Xander : Anya. Slow down there. In fact, come to a screeching halt. See these things kind of have to develop on their own. Anya : Okay. How? Xander : I don't know. I just - happens. Cut to Buffy and Parker standing at her door in the hall of the dorm. Buffy : This is it. The door. Wood. (She knocks on it.) Maybe some kind of wood veneer. Parker : It's nice. He leans in to kiss her and their lips just touch as Oz and Willow come running down the hall. Buffy and Parker cease and desist due to the racket. Oz : Hey. Hi, hi. Remember Harmony. Willow : She's back from her summer vacation. And she's a little bit different. Buffy : Different? Willow : Paler. Parker : (Noticing how Willow is holding her hand over where Harmony bit her.) Is your neck okay? Buffy : Neck. Paler. The puppy. The angry puppy. Oz : Yeah, we came to warn you about the - angry puppy. Buffy : I um, should really take care of this now. Parker : I'll pick you up tomorrow night for the party. Buffy : I can't wait. He leaves. Willow : (In a small voice.) Get in now? Buffy quickly unlocks the door leading Oz and Willow into the room. Cut to Oz cleaning Willow's wound carefully. Buffy walks over to them. Buffy : Harmony. A vampire? She must be dying without a reflection. Willow : (Sporting a neon green Band-Aid.) She just made me so mad. (Contorting her face to mock Harmony.) 'My boyfriends gonna beat you up.' Buffy : 'My boyfriend.' Willow : Well, if you believe her. She always lied about stuff like that. (More face contortion.) 'Oh, he goes to another school. You wouldn't know him.' Oz : Well, Devon dated her for a while, but she was too flaky for him. Which, stop and marvel at the concept. Oz and Willow laugh. Buffy shakes her head. Buffy : Guy dating Harmony dead. Must be like, the most tolerant guy in the world. Cut to underground crypt as Harmony descends into it. She walks over to a man wearing all black and protective head gear for drilling. She puts her hand on his back to draw his attention. Harmony : Hi baby. I'm back. The man clad in black removes the gear revealing Spike. [SCENE_BREAK] Descend from ground level back underground. Spike and another vampire are discussing papers strewn over a table. Spike : It's definitely the crypt right. I'm not keen on tunneling into someone's septic tank. Vampire : It's the crypt. The radar soundings are clear. The walls are thinnest here at the bottom. We'll have to tunnel underneath. More work but I'm sure - Spike slams his head into the table then looks down at him. Spike : You'd better be more than sure. Cause I'd hate to have to hurt you. Vampire : I swear, I swear. Harmony walks up and snuggles against Spike. Harmony : How's my little Blondie bear? Spike : Harm, does this look like a good time? Harmony : Are you gonna kill Willow tonight? Cause I want you to say, 'This is for messing with my sweet girl.' And then, you know. (She mock bites into his shoulder making grossly noises.) He throws the vampire aside then takes Harmony by the waist. Spike : Nobody knows I'm here. And I'm not killing the slayer's best friend because that would tend to announce my presence. (Harmony gives him an annoyed, put out look.) And we're too bloody close. Harmony : But you almost killed her last year. Suddenly it's a big deal.? Spike : SOD OFF! Now go eat something, I've got work to do. Spike and the vampire return to the table. She walks over to wear a boy is chained up and looks irritated. Harmony : This one tastes funny. Take me out to eat. Spike : He's perfectly fresh. Harmony : I think I had a math class with him last year and I didn't like him that much then either. Spike : Harm! Harmony : I want to go to a party. Spike slams his fists into the table, then heads over to where she is. He grabs her and slams her into the wall. She smiles coyly at him. Harmony : Oh. Right here baby. In front of Bernie. Spike : You'd like that wouldn't you. Harmony : Maybe I would. After a party. Spike : Tonight. I'll take you somewhere nice. Cut to the frat party. Bif Naked is performing on stage and people are dancing. Buffy and Parker walk around. Parker : Some party huh? Last day in Rome. Buffy : Better. No old Romans. Parker : You want to dance? Buffy : No. Let's have a meaningful talk instead. Harmony and Spike walk up with an out of it guy under their arms. Buffy : Spike. (Pauses looking amused.) And Harmony. Harmony : Buffy. Hi. What a cute outfit. Last year. Spike : Well this is interesting. Sort of a double date. Parker : Looks like your friend started the party a little early, huh? Spike : So, let's have a look at the new boy. Parker : (Holds out his hand.) Hi, I'm Parker. Spike looks at it in fascination for a second, then Parker puts his hand down disconcerted. Spike : He's got. What's the word? Vulnerability. Buffy : And you with Harmony. What'd you do? Loose a bet? Harmony looks irritated. Harmony : Hey. Spike : Actually, how we met. It's a funny story. He throws the boy into Harmony and the others, then leaps over the couch taking off. Buffy : Stay here. She runs after him outside, then runs into him by some shrubbery. He back hand punches her in the face then gets into a defensive stance. Buffy : What's the matter Spike? Dru dump you again. She throws a punch, then another, both of which he blocks. Then she hits him dead on in the face. Spike : Maybe I left her. Buffy goes to attack, but Spike diverts her to the left. Harmony appears. Harmony : She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about most days. Spike strides up to her. Spike : Harm! We are going. It isn't time yet. Harmony : Yeah, but as soon as we have the gem of amara, you're gonna be sorr- Spike : Argh! He grabs her and takes off. Harmony : What? Ow! Buffy stands with her stake, then lowers it, thinking about what Harmony just let out. Cut to Xander's room in his parents' basement. He's hanging up a mirrorball. There's a knock at the door. Xander : Come in. Anya enters slowly. Xander : Anya. Hi again. Anya : You're mother sent me around from the front of the house. She said to ask you to add fabric softener when the timer goes off. Can we talk some more? Xander : Yeah I suppose. Would you like something? I have cran-apple? Anya : Yeah, alright. He heads over to the fridge and rummages around a bit. Xander : You know it is customary to call before you show up. Not that - During this Anya has removed her dress. As Xander realized what he's seeing cran-apple arcs out of the container, he stands there, gaping at her. Cut to Buffy standing at a pay phone. As she talks we cut to Giles apartment where he is on the other end of the phone. Buffy : Yeah, Spike with Harmony. If you can believe it. I couldn't figure out why he ran away but Harmony said something. Why they were here. They were looking for the gem of something... Amara. Giles : The gem of amara. Are you sure? Buffy : Yeah, what's up? Buffy : Uh, oh, it's just, uh, it's not real. He heads over to boxes where books are being stored. Giles : It's uh, the vampire equivalent of the Holy Grail. The source of some enormous power, was convienetly vague. Oh, here it is, yes. There was a great deal of vampiric interest in locating it during the, uh, oh the 10th century. Questing vampires combed the earth, but no one ever found anything.. It was concluded that it never existed. Cut to Buffy. Buffy : Well, Spike seems to think it exists. And he's looking in Sunnydale. Giles : Yes, well I'll research it as best I can. You've done all you can for tonight. Why don't you go to bed. Buffy : Uh, huh. Sleepy. Yawn. Bye. Cut the Harmony and Spike's bedroom. Spike is trying to read something, Harmony is laying on the bed in lingerie. Harmony : Is Antonio Banderas a vampire? Spike : No. Harmony : Can I make him a vampire? Spike : No. On second thought, yes. Go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well. Harmony : Hey, I don't have a pulse. Cool. Hey, can we eat a doctor so we can get a stethoscope and hear my heart not beating? Spike : Harm. Will you shut the hell up?! He jumps to his feet, furious. Harmony just giggles. Harmony : And if my hearts no beating, what are these blue veins for. I'm simply covered in these blue veins. She runs her fingers over her cheats drawing attention to her cleavage. Harmony : See. Spike gets a look and climbs into bed with her. They nuzzle. Spike : I've got an extra set of chains. Harmony : Just because Dorkus went in for that - Spike grabs her hair and pulls her head back. Spike : Dru-scilla. Say her name. Harmony : Dorkus. Spike : Bite your tongue. Harmony : Do it for me. Steamy kissing. Cut to Xander and Anya. She's still naked, he's still stunned. Anya : At point the matter is brought to a conclusion with both parties satisfied and able to move on with their separate lives and interests. To sum up, I think it's a workable plan. Xander : So, the crux of this plan is - Anya : Sexual intercourse. I've said it like a dozen times. Xander : Uh, huh. Just working through a little hysterical deafness here. Anya : I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively. I'm thinking face to face for the actual event itself. Xander : Ah, right. It's just we hardly know each other. I mean I like you. And you have a certain directness that I admire. But sexual interc-- What you're talking about, well--and I'm actually turning into a woman as I say this--but it's about expressing something. And accepting consequences. Anya : Oh, I have condoms. Some are black. Xander : That's... that's very considerate. Anya : I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now. Xander : And the amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith. Anya moves towards him and they kiss. The buzzer for the dryer goes off. Anya : Fabric softener. Cut to the party. Buffy finds Parker. Buffy : Parker. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find you. Parker : I was getting a little worried. Buffy : I'm so sorry. It's just that - the English guy is an old friend. And he's not supposed to drink. And I saw him here in the land of the beer - Parker : It's okay. You did a good thing for your friend. Did uh, you and he used to go out. Short burst of hysterical laughter from Buffy. She stops abruptly. Buffy : Um, no. No we really, really didn't. Parker : Good. Now we have time to make up for. Think I could get a dance with the prettiest girl at the party. Buffy : What am I supposed to do? Stand over here and watch? They dance, in a rather close intense way. (Lucky ones by Bif Naked plays in the background. - On the BTVS Soundtrack!) Parker : Well, I declared premed. But I hated it. So I switched to history. Buffy : History? Fascinating dates and compelling faces. Parker : But there something amazing about these huge events that when you dig down into them they're just about regular people trying to make choices. When you look back at it seems like people were swept up in events they couldn't control. But I don't believe that. I believe you have a choice in everything you do. They kiss. Parker : Is this okay? Because I can stop if you wanna. It's your choice. (She pulls his close and strokes his face.) What are you doing? Buffy : Making a choice. They kiss again. Cut to them kissing in Parker's room and shedding clothing. Cut to Giles looking through his books and calling someone. The phone rings and he gets Buffy and Willow's answering machine. Giles : Buffy are you there? Call me, I need to talk to you right away. Cut to Buffy and Parker getting to know each other in a biblical sense. He has red sheets. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Parker's room. Buffy wakes up alone and without knowing where her clothing are. Buffy : Parker? She wraps the sheet around her and gets up looking through his messy room for her discarded clothing. Buffy : Just shirt. Pants. Everybody needs pants. Parker walks in bearing coffee, and Buffy turns around. Parker : Hey, you're up. Buffy : You're here. Parker : I live here. Buffy : Oh, I just, didn't know where you were. He sits on the bed, Buffy standing near him. Parker : It looked like you were going to be out for a while. So I ran for coffee. Better than what I got around here. Warm soda and breath mints. Buffy : Breath mints. Wouldn't be turning them down right now. So, do you have any plans for today? Parker : Actually my mom's coming to visit. Buffy : Oh, well I'll just clear out then. But maybe we could um, talk or something later. Parker : Absolutely, I'll give you a call. Buffy : Great. Oh, uh, one more thing before I go. Parker : A kiss. Buffy : Well I was going to go with pants, but a kiss is good too. They kiss. Cut to Xander and Anya redressing themselves in his room. Anya : So, I'm over you now. Xander : Um, Ok. Anya : Okay?! Xander : Yeah... Anya stalks off upset, leaving a very confused Xander behind. Cut to Harmony and Spike laying in their bed. She's drawing on him with lipstick. He looks out of it. Spike : Harm, what are you doing. Harmony : I'm writing Spike loves Harmony on your back. Spike : Why? Harmony : I don't know, it's fun. I'm bored. You can write on me. Spike : I've got to get back to work. He gets up. Harmony : You love that tunnel more than me. Spike : I love syphilis more than you. Cut to Buffy walking into her dorm room. She starts to undo the straps on the back of her shirt to take it off as she heads towards her bed. Giles : Oh, good morning. Buffy sees Giles and Willow at work at Willow's computer. She abruptly stops then starts to redo her top. Buffy : Giles, I didn't know you were here. Giles : Uh really. Buffy : I was studying at the library. All Saturday night. (Giles gives her a look.) Uh, you know what. I'm an adult now and it's none of your business what I do. Giles : I'm sincerely relieved to hear that. Now can we discuss the impending disaster. Willow : Giles found something. Giles : A text. It refers to the gem of amara as residing in the valley of the sun. Willow : Demon fancy talk for Sunnydale. Giles : It seems that Spike may know what it's about. The gem may exist after all, in Sunnydale in a sealed underground crypt. Buffy : Why don't you guys try and locate the crypt and I'll try to find Spike before he gets there. Giles : I'll get started. Willow : I'll go call Xander and have him meet at your place. Giles : (As he leaves) Right. Willow turns looking excited. Willow : It happened right? (Bounds over to the bed where Buffy is sitting.) Did it happen? With Parker? Buffy : Yeah, it happened. Willow : Well, and details. I mean not details. I don't need a diagram. But, you know. Like maybe a blurry watercolor. Buffy : It was nice. It was really nice. He's going to call. Willow : I love this part. Don't you love this part. Like when it's all new and everything's a discovery. Buffy : I don't know. I guess I do. Cut to underground where Spike, Harmony and the vampire are still looking for the crypt. Spike : It's here. Vampire : I knew it was here. Spike : We're close now. No one leaves the layer till we're in. I don't want the slayer tracking anyone to the tunnel. And that means you too Harmony. You're an indoor kitty now. Harmony : But Spike, you said you'd take me places. You said we'd go to France and now I can't even leave the lair. He throws down his shovel as the other vampires depart. Spike : Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything I came back to Sunnydale for, which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass. Now, when I have the gem, they'll all die, don't worry. But until then, stay inside. And by the way, I would be insanely happy if I heard bugger all, about sodding France. Harmony : I don't know why I let you be so mean to me. Spike : Love hurts baby. Cut to Buffy going through the campus showing people Harmony's high school picture from her yearbook. Cut to her dorm. The answering machine shows 0 messages. Cut to Spike he's where he's drilling at the tunnel. Cut to Buffy at night at a pay phone. Phone : You've got one new message at 9:05 p.m. Hi, It's me. I'm at Giles. Did Parker call yet? Cut to Spike drilling again, this time he breaks through. Cut to answering machine showing 0 messages again. Buffy looking upset lets herself fall on her bed to the side. Cut to Spike climbing into the crypt with a lantern. He looks around and sees a large green gem in an ornate necklace around the neck of a skeleton. Spike : It's real. Harmony : Ooh, pretty. Can I take stuff? Harmony has followed Spike into the crypt and is also holding a lantern. Spike : Take whatever you want I don't care. She walks over and kisses him. He strokes the gem and yanks it off the skeleton. Harmony is trying on a tiara. Harmony : Eww. Like you're too good to work a clasp. He puts on the necklace. And does things with his hands, feeling all powerful. Harmony : So is it doing it? Do you feel it. I mean, you don't look different, if you were wondering. I thought maybe you'd look taller or glow or something. Hmm. She goes back to playing with the jewels. He strides over and grabs a cross, burning his hand, crying out in pain. Harmony : You should put some butter on that. But, hey, maybe it's worth money, anyway. That would be something. (Spike strides away, breaking off a piece of wood.) Then we could go to France, I always wanted to go to France and stay in a chateau and you could take me shopping - She cuts off as he stabs her with the improvisational stake. To their surprise, she doesn't dust, but the wound heals immediately. Harmony : I can't believe you just did that. She starts pummeling him with girlie punches to his cheats. He grabs her hand and notices a ring she's put on. Spike : Hold on. He grabs a cross and pushes it against her, shielding has hand with a cloth, noting that she isn't burnt. Harmony : What are you doing you big freak? Spike : That's my gem. He grabs her and starts to yank it off. Harmony : Fine if that's all that matters to you. (She rips the gem off her hand and throws it at him and he catches.) Then take it, take it, take it and get out. Spike puts it on and strides off. Spike : That's a good idea. I think I'll go wait outside. He hops down the hole, leaving Harmony looking miserable. Cut to Giles apartment were Oz is sifting through some of Giles old records. Giles is trying to study something. Oz : Okay, either I'm borrowing all your albums or I'm moving in. Giles : Oz there are more important things than records right now. Oz : (Holding up a record.) More important than this one? Giles : Well I suppose an argument could be made for - Xander : Whoa, Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV. He's shallow like us. Oz : I got to admit, I'm a little disappointed. Giles : I, ah, uh, uh. Willow : (Walking in.) Well maybe it doesn't work. Like a piece of art. Xander turns the TV on. Willow is open mouthed with shock. Giles : Public television. Come on everyone we have vital work to do. Watching television is not going to help us right now. TV : - near the UC Sunnydale campus. Officials attribute the unusual occurrence to weakening of the supporting topsoil nearby. City work crews denied any tunneling has been done in the area. Giles : Tunneling. Spike. Xander, find Buffy and meet us there. Giles and the gang leave, Xander watches the TV for a second more then gets up to leave. Cut to Buffy walking along the campus, were she spies Parker talking to a young blonde twinkie. Parker : You know it hit me hard, my dad. Since then I just don't put stuff off anymore. It's about living for now. Buffy walks over to them. Buffy : Parker? Parker : Buffy. Buffy Summers, this is Katie Loomis. (Katie waves.) Buffy : What's going on? Parker : Hey, Katie, you're going to be late for class. I'll catch up later, okay. He picks up her bag and hands it to her as she leaves. Buffy : She's a friend of yours. Parker : Yeah, you'd like her a bunch. So, what's up? Buffy : Well, um you didn't call. I'd, uh I understand if you were busy or sick or something. Parker : It's only been a few days. You need to talk to me about something. Buffy : Is everything okay? Parker : Sure it is. Buffy : It is? Parker : Sure. Buffy; Oh, um, so maybe do you wanna do something. Parker : Sure, we could do that absolutely. Buffy : So what about tonight. Parker : Oh... Uh... I think I'm supposed to get together with some people later ... Buffy : Parker did I do something wrong? Parker : Something wrong? No, of course not. It was fun didn't you have fun. Watch out how you answer that. My ego is fragile. Buffy : You had fun? Was that all it was? Parker : What else was it supposed to be? Buffy : It seemed like you liked me. Parker : I do. But I'm starting to feel like you felt what? Some kind of commitment? Are you sure that's what you want right now? Buffy : I just thought... Parker : I'm sorry if you missed something. I thought things were pretty clear. Buffy : I'm sorry if I miss. I'm sorry. Parker : Look, I really have to go now. He walks off leaving Buffy looking dejected. Buffy : Parker wait. I did this all wrong. Parker : No, it's cool. We'll hook up later. Spike : Wow. That was pathetic. He punches her in the face. [SCENE_BREAK] Buffy is on the ground looking up, while Spike stands above her in a beam of sunlight. Spike : Birds singing, squirrels making lots of rotten little squirrels. Sun beaming down in a nice, non-fatal way. It's very exciting, I can't wait to see if I freckle. Buffy grabs her stake and jumps up. She lands a punch, then he punches her back and she hits the ground. He goes to jump on her and she kicks him back. He staggers, but jumps forward again, right into her stake. Spike : Oh, do it again. It tickels. You know, in a good way. Buffy withdraws the stake and he heals, while she looks somewhat surprised. Spike : The gem of amara. He holds up his hand, then backhands her whereupon she hits the ground again. Spike : Official sponsor, of my killing you. He vamps out then goes in for the kill. Cut to the underground crypt. Giles and Oz are hefting Willow up through the hole. Harmony is crying. Harmony : Being a vampire sucks. She vamps out, then jumps up to attack with a fierce growl. Cut to Xander, knocking anxiously on Buffy and Willow's door. Xander : Buffy. (Knocks again.) Buffy. He turns away and runs into Anya. Anya : Xander. I was looking for you. You weren't in your musty basement. Xander : Have you seen Buffy. Anya : No. About what happened. I said I was over you - Xander : Anya, I don't have time. He cuts her off, then takes off running. She's left looking dejected. Cut to the crypt. Giles : Harmony, where's Spike? Has he had the gem. Harmony nods. Harmony : He staked me, then he took it. He tried to take it right off my finger. Like I wouldn't have just given it to him. I would have given him anything he wanted. He was my platinum baby and I loved him. Giles : Where did Spike go? Harmony, leaves, descending through the hole. Cut to Buffy and Spike fighting. Buffy is on her knees blocking a punch from Spike. He redirects her into a pole, then kicks her in the stomach. She gets up and tries to kick him but he blocks her and throws her into the pole again. He's pressing her against it, then she grabs him by the throat and begins to choke him, then throws him off her. Buffy kicks him in the stomach, which sends him spinning to the ground. He leaps back up and tries a spinning kick which she blocks, then kicks him with a roundhouse, then another, followed by redirecting him over a bench, sending him rolling. She jumps up on the bench and tries to kick him in the chest, but he blocks her, grabs her arm and throws her into a metal frame table, who's glass top shatters under her. She rolls off and Spike strolls after her. Spike : Getting tired Slayer? Buffy gets up, only to be hit with a series of punches and floored again. In the background, we see Xander running up. Buffy : Xander, get out of here. Spike grabs him, knees him in the face, and sends him flying into the pole from hell. Spike : So, you let Parker take a poke, eh? Didn't seem like you know each other that well. What did it take to pry apart the Slayer's dimpled knees? Buffy : You're a pig Spike. He jumps from the few stairs he was above her, then kicks her full on. Spike : Did he play the sensitive lad and get you to seduce him? That's a good trick if the girls thick enough to buy it. Buffy flies up and delivers a roundhouse, however Spike follows it with an equally vicious hit that sends her flying forward. Spike : I wonder what went wrong. Were you too strong? Did you bruise the boy? Come to think of it seems like someone told me that. Who was it? Oh, yeah. Angel. He smiles cruelly, and Buffy is up in an instant. She throws a round house, then a punch, then another and another. She redirects him over the edge of a planter, jumps on it and while coming down kicks him, sending him flying into another planter knocking over a earthenware pot. She grabs him, punching him twice in the face, then grabs the arm with the ring on it. Spike : Take it off me this way, we both burn. Buffy : Really? Let's see. She jerks the ring off his finger and his face instantly contorts into a visage of pain. He starts to smoke then runs off crying out in agony. Buffy, exhausted sits down inspecting the ring. Cut to a close up of the ring on a wooden table. Willow : I like it. Oz : It's small. Xander : Really worth getting my ribs bashed in. We see that the Scooby gang is collected at Giles apartment, gathered round the ring, which is set in the middle of his coffee table. Giles : It's also very dangerous. And we're destroying it. Buffy : We don't destroy it. Giles : Well, Buffy, any vampire that gets his hand on this is going to be essentially unlikable. (He looks at Buffy for a moment.) Oh. Oz : I have that gig in LA. I could swing by. Buffy : Thanks Oz. Xander : What's going on. What's in LA? Willow : She's giving the ring to Angel. Don't make a fuss. Giles : Buffy are you sure. Buffy : He should have it. Cut to Buffy and Willow walking through the campus late at night. Buffy : So what I'm wondering is, does this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil. God, I'm such a fool. Willow : Well maybe you made a mistake. But that's okay. Next time - what? Buffy : Parker said it's okay to make mistakes. It was sweet. Willow : No it wasn't. He was saying that so you would take a chance and sleep with him. He's a poop head. Buffy : You're right. He's manipulative and shallow. And why doesn't he want me. Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me you would tell me, right? Willow : I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second. Buffy : Maybe Parker and I could still work it out. Do you think we could still work it out? Willow : I think you're missing something about this whole poop head principal. Buffy : I think I'm gonna take a walk. You go on ahead. Willow : You sure? Buffy : Yeah. She heads off leaving Willow behind. She walks along alone, then we see both Anya and Harmony, all looking downtrodden walking along. BLACK OUT

Plan: A: Spike; Q: Who returns to Sunnydale for a gem? A: Angel; Q: Who does Buffy send the gem to? Summary: Spike returns to Sunnydale for a gem that will make him invincible. He finds it, but Buffy gets it away from him and decides to send it to Angel. Buffy returns to dating but ends up being let down and hurt.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] [Emma's room] (Manny's reading Emma Jordan's e-mail) Manny: "Emma, you saved my heart and my project. Love you, Jordan." Emma: Love you. (They squeal) [Playground.] Manny: Guys, it's cool. Jordan's 16. He's coming here on a school trip. J.T.: School trip? It's summer. [Emma's room] Emma: U hacked my e-mail? Haven't you ever heard of privacy? Spike: Relax, I couldn't hack my way out of a paper bag. But I can tell when my daughter's getting interested in boys. [Degrassi's Media Immersion Lab] Emma: And he wants to meet me. Tomorrow. [Stairway in the Nelson House.] Caitlin: I mean, do u like him? Emma: Yeah, we get along so great. Sometimes, it's like he can read into my soul. Caitlin: Well, sometimes, you just have to take a chance... [Emma's room] (She writes Jordan an e-mail about meeting and sends it) Emma: Go for it. Theme song [Nelson House - Downstairs] Emma: Mom, you're gonna be so late. Spike: Too late. I am late. Emma: Wow, you look incredible. Spike: You sure? Emma: Seriously. It's kinda scary. Spike: I feel like I'm going to the prom I never got to go to. Oh, that sounds so lame. (Spike grabs her car keys off the table. Emma waves her purse in the air.) Spike: You really want me out of here, don't you? Is there something you're not telling me? Emma: Yeah, Manny and I are going to watch TV all night. We might even eat popcorn, with real butter. Very shocking. Spike: Ok, smart mouth. (Takes the hat off Emma's head) Wish me luck. (Kisses Emma's head) Bye. (Spike leaves) (Emma makes sure she's gone and runs upstairs.) [Degrassi] (People are starting to arrive for the reunion. Principal Raditich greets them.) [Inside Degrassi.] Caitlin: Hey. Archie: How's it going? (Gives her a kiss on the cheek.) (To Keith) Welcome (They shake hands.) Why doesn't Ashley here give a tour of the new and improved Degrassi? (To Caitlin) And I'll hook up with you right before the speeches, ok? Caitlin: Ok. Keith: What, we have to take a tour? How about I go get us some drinks? Caitlin: Ok. [Classroom] Terri: The media immersion program is very unique to our school. We have over 50 high- speed computers with internet access and other educational programs. We also have the most up to date software all part of the renovations planned by Mr. Raditch. (Caitlin is walking around as Terri talks. She turns around and sees Joey. He waves at her. She waves back.) [Emma's room] (She's talking to Manny on the phone (It goes back and forth between showing Emma and Manny on- screen)) Manny: So...have you made your mind? Emma: Yea, I'm not going. Manny: Really? I'm so relived. Emma: Yeah. Maybe I'll meet him when I'm older, right? Manny: Hey, absolutely. Want me to come over? Emma; Um...There's this show on tonight about the wildlife refuge and I really wanna watch it. You know, for Jordan. Manny: I could help you research. Emma: It's ok. I really need to concentrate. Manny; Oh, ok. Emma: It's about to start, so I'll call you tomorrow, ok? Manny: K. Emma: Bye. (They hang up.) [Degrassi hallway.] Ashley: Here we have our history room to the right, our geography room to the left, and the English department up ahead. Joey: (To Caitlin) What I really wanted to say was that I'm really sorry about last night. It wasn't the way I pictured seeing you again after all these years. Caitlin: Me neither. Joey: Can we just say the past is the past, and that the present is now the past, and the future, is, uh, I don't know what I'm saying. I'm trying to say I want us to be friends again, ok? Caitlin: Me too. Joey: Good. Caitlin: Joey, stay. Just hang out. Come on, no pressure. It won't be a reunion without you. (A woman named Allison comes up to them.) Allison: Oh my god! Caitlin Ryan! Joey Jeremiah! Caitlin: Allison. Joey: Hi. Caitlin: Wow. It's been... Allison: Ages. (To Caitlin) But I see you every week on that show. What's it called? (Caitlin goes to speak, but Allison keeps talking.) Oh and you. Your commercial. Joey: Yeah, I know. It's totally cheese. Allison: No, Joey, it's sexy. The way you rip off your shirt. Almost made me want to buy a car. Joey: Oh yeah? Allison: Well, can I buy you a drink instead? Caitlin: I think they're free. Allison: Oh, come on, for old times sake. Joey: I'll catch up to you later? Caitlin: Bye. [Hotel] (Emma gets out of a cab and walk into the hotel where she will meet Jordan) Recording: Please record your message now. Emma: Hi, Jordan. This is Emma. I know I'm a little early so I guess I'll wait down here. But I'm wearing....you know what I look like. Okay I guess I'll see you soon. (Hangs up the phone) [Toby's House] Jeff: Toby, you have a visitor. (Manny walks in the room.) J.T.: Manny, what's up? Manny: I've got a bad feeling. I went by Emma's. Not there. I tried her cell. Didn't pick up. J.T.: So...? Manny: So...she said she was staying home tonight, to watch a show on wildlife refuge. It's not on. I checked. Toby: Well, she didn't go meet that Jordan guy, did she? Manny: I have no idea. But, she was acting really weird. Toby: So, this girl from BC, she meets this guy on-line, they hit it off, she goes to meet him, they days later they find her dead, like in pieces. J.T.: That was some psycho. Emma's way too smart for that. She gets like practically straight A's. Toby: So? This isn't school. Where would they go? J.T.: Well, we can't call her, we can't read her e-mail. Toby: Why not? [Degrassi] (Joey is carrying drinks. He hears Keith talking with Allison. He stops to listen.) Keith: You know that better than me, right? You went to high school. It's just, Katie is really pushing this marriage thing, and I'm about to hit it big down in LA, and so her career would have to take the back seat, you know, and I don't think that's fair. To her. Allison: I completely understand. I mean, you're an artist. You need to be free. Open to, uh, new experiences. I'd love to come visit you. Keith: That'd be great. I could take you out, show you around. [Hotel] (Emma is sitting in a chair, waiting for Jordan. A guy walls by with pizza. He stops when he sees Emma. Little does she know, that is Jordan.) Jordan: Wait, You're not Emma, are you? Emma: Who are you? Jordan: My name's Mr. Nightstrom. I'm a teacher with a school trip. One of my students is supposed to be meeting a girl. Are you Emma? Emma: Yea. Jordan: (as she gets up) Oh, great. I'm Jordan's teacher. Don't tell him that I told you this, but he is so excited to meet you. Emma: So am I. I mean, to meet him. Jordan: Well, come on up. We're just about to have some dinner. If you'd rather wait here, I can send Jordan down after he eats. But, he did want you to sign his petition. Emma: He brought it with him? Jordan: All the way from Yellowknife. [Emma's Room] (Toby, J.T., and Manny are trying to read her e-mail to find out where she is. They're trying to figure out her password.) Toby: What's her mom's maiden name? Manny: Nelson. Same as Emma. (He tries it. It doesn't work.) Toby: Okay that's not it. Does she have a dog? A fish? Anything? Ah, here we go. Secret question: What's mom's favorite rock band? [Hotel Hallway] (Emma and Jordan are walking to his room.) Jordan: Next week, he's going to be sending the petition off to the United Nations. Emma: Wow. That's incredible. Jordan: Jordan's a pretty impressive kid. After you. (Emma puts the key in and they go in.) [Hotel room.] Jordan: (knocks on a door) Hey, guys! Pizza's here! We're going to be making a video journal of this trip. It's a really big deal for these guys to be coming here (the camera focuses on Jordan's video camera as he talks for a second) Well, there's no use letting this get cold (Opens the pizza box and takes out a slice). The guys are going to be back in here any minute. So Jordan's talks about you all the time. I hear you're a fellow hiker? I take the guys hiking around Yellowknife sometimes. There's really some amazing trails there. What's the matter, you don't like mushrooms? Emma: No, I'm not hungry. You know what? I think I left my bad downstairs. I'm just gonna go see if it's there. (Emma starts to leave.) Jordan: Emma, your bag's right here. (She tries to leave, but the door is locked. She runs into the bathroom.) Jordan: What's going on? Emma: You're Jordan, aren't you? [The Degrassi Reunion- The gym] Mr. Raditch: Give a big hand to Degrassi's own environmental crusader, Caitlin Ryan. (Everyone claps as Caitlin approaches the podium on the stage to give her speech.) Caitlin: Wow. This is amazing. Seeing you all here, together again. You know, I was afraid to come here. Afraid that nothing would compare with our memories of this place. Or that we'd spend tonight rehashing old mistakes, you know, comparing ourselves... Keith: She's pretty good, isn't she? Joey: Some of us think so. Some of us aren't too sure, are they Keith? Keith: Excuse me? Joey: Hey, Allison, are you planning on going to Los Angles before or after he breaks up with Caitlin? Keith: Ok, your BI- polar jealous thing has got a little out of hand. Joey: Excuse me? What kind of loser comes to his fiancés high school reunion and tells a stranger he's going to break up with her when he makes it big? Keith: What, you were eavesdropping? That is so un cool. Joey: Un cool? Keith: And so none of your business. Joey: Hey, she's my friend. I'll make it my business. Whether you tell her or I will. Keith: just relax, Joey. (Pats Joey's face) Caitlin: So, a toast... (As she talks, the talk between Joey and Keith was going on. Now, they get up and start fighting. Keith punches Joey.) Keith: Like that, Joey? (They keep fighting.) Keith: Joey... (Caitlin goes over to them.) Keith: Come on. (His phone starts ringing) Joey: (Joey grabs the phone) Is this what you want? Huh? Is this more important to you? Take it. Caitlin: What the hell is going on? Keith: This psycho just came running at me with all this crap about, uh... Joey: Just tell her before it's too late. Keith: Katie, there's nothing going on here. He's insane, he's jealous. Caitlin: Tell me what? Allison: So he has doubts about getting married. Who doesn't? Caitlin: You don't wanna marry me, Keith? (She leaves.) Mr. Raditch: Uh, music. Everyone, let's dance. [SCENE_BREAK] [Hotel Room.] (It goes back and forth between Emma and Jordan talking, showing her in the bathroom and him outside the door.) Jordan: I didn't tell you my real age. I thought you'd stop writing me. Emma: I just... I wanna go home. Jordan: Ok, but, you can't go home while you're locked in the bathroom. Emma, please. The last thing I want is to scare you. So, I tell you what, I'm gonna go down to the lobby. You can leave or you can stay if you want, just to talk. It's up to you. (Un-locks the door and opens and closes it, to make Emma think he left.) [Bathroom in Degrassi] (Caitlin is helping Joey clean himself up.) Caitlin: (first a close up of her holding the ring, then it shows her talking to Joey) Bring back any memories? You know what? I'm relived. As bizarre as that may sound. Joey: Doesn't sound that strange. Caitlin: I mean, here I am, practically turning 30, right? Never having a relationship lasting longer than a few months. And then- because I'm always working. I meet Keith, and he's not always such an ass. Joey: Could have fooled me. Caitlin: And then, when it does last longer than a few months, well... Joey: You ask him to marry you. Caitlin: I thought it could work. He's so not The ONE. I mean, it's so obvious. I gave Emma relationship advice last night. I am such a fraud. Joey: No, no, Caitlin. You're not a fraud. You're one of the most trusting caring people I know. You could never be a fraud. Caitlin: Joey, with Julia, how did you know that it was right? Joey: (Goes to stand next to Caitlin) I loved that she called me Joe. Her hair, it smelled like rain. And she always, always made me laugh. Caitlin: I'm sorry. Joey: No, no, no, don't be. I'm not. I was lucky. Caitlin: Yeah, you were. [Emma's room] (Her friends are still trying to find out her password.) Toby: There. (Points to an old picture of Spike) A picture of her mom. What does her t-shirt say? J.T.: Who were the pogues? Manny: Come on, guys. Emma wouldn't make her password that easy. (Toby tries it and they get in.) Toby: If I can do it, so can Jordan. Sorry, Emma, we're going in. [Hotel Room] (Emma opens the door, and checks if Jordan is there. She doesn't see him, so she goes to the door to leave. The door is locked, so she un-locks it. When she opens it, Jordan slams it closed.) Jordan: One noise and I tape your mouth. I don't think you'd want that. [Emma's room] (Her friends are looking through her e-mail.) Manny: I don't get it. Toby: See? Look here. You and Emma rent Chicken Run. The next day, she mentions it in an e-mail to you. Manny; So? Toby: Jordan's next e-mail? J.T.; He likes Chicken Run, too. Big deal. Toby: Coincidence, right? The next day, Emma e-mails you some garbage about how great fresh air is. Jordan's next e-mail? Manny: "I love hiking. Being out in the fresh air makes me feel so free." Toby: Emma writes to you or to anyone, he echoes it back to her. The guy's not looking into her soul, he's reading her e-mail. [Hotel Room] (Jordan and Emma are sitting on the bed. He's taping them.) Jordan: Emma, your mother's at her reunion. She doesn't even know that you're missing. We have hours. [Emma's room] (They're reading her latest e-mail from Jordan.) Toby: There. His last message. He's at the Bartley Valley, room 1409. (They leave, to go tell Emma's mom.) [Street] (They're running to Degrassi, to tell Spike.) J.T.: Toby, come on. (They enter.) [Degrassi- Gym] (Spike is dancing with Archie.) Archie: I love being back here. I get to teach kids like Emma. I get to dance with her mother. Spike: Someone's gotten smoother in the last 10 years. (Manny, J.T., and Toby enter the gym.) Manny: Ms. Nelson! J.T.: There she is. Right over there. All: Ms. Nelson! Spike: Guys, what's up? All: It's Emma! (They all start talking at once) Spike: Wait a minute. Archie: One at a time [Outside] Spike: Hello, police? My daughter's in danger. I don't know who she's with. All I know is it's someone she met on the Internet. Please hurry. You guys go home. I'll call your parents (Spike and Archie drive away to go save Emma.) [Hotel Room] Jordan: (smelling her hair) You smell so sweet. [Lobby] (Spike and Archie are running to the room.) [Hotel Room] Jordan: (Touches her lips) I feel so close to you. [Hallway] (Spike and Archie open a door run looking for the room.) [Hotel Room] Jordan: (Touches her face) I've been dreaming about this, over and over and over again. (She makes fists with her hands) Waiting. [Hallway] (Spike and Archie find the room (*Goes back and forth a minute between in the room and outside it*)) Spike: Emma. Emma: Mom! (Jordan covers her mouth) Spike: Are you in there? Open the door. Archie: Emma! (In the room, she gets his hand off her mouth, and gets off the bed.) Spike: Open the door now. Archie: Open the door! (Emma opens the door and comes out.) Spike: Are you in there? Are you ok? Jordan: There's been a misunderstanding. (Archie pushes Jordan against the wall and puts his hand on Jordan's neck.) Archie: You make a move, I'm gonna break your neck. Clear? (Jordan nods. The police come down the hall.) [Nelson House] (A man is carrying the computer out of the house.) Spike: When will we get it back? Man: You'll get it back after the trial. He's a repeat offender. This time they think they can finally nail the creep. But, we need this as evidence. Spike: So he's going to jail? Man: Oh, yeah. And when this comes back, keep it downstairs. Keep the cyber stalkers out of her room. (He leaves. Spike closes the door.) [Emma's room] Emma: I'm sorry I ruined your reunion. Hope you had some fun last night. Spike: How could you do that, Emma? How could you do something so incredibly stupid? Emma: I made a mistake. Spike: A mistake? You could have been...you could have been killed. Emma: You've never made a mistake before? Like maybe having me? Spike: It's not the same thing. Emma: I screwed up. I'm a dumb kid. Spike: No, you're not dumb. That's what's so confusing. You kept this guy a secret for 8 months. Why didn't you tell me? You know you can talk to me about anything. Emma: No, I can't! You're my mom, don't you get it? You don't remember what it's like being 12! You don't remember anything! Spike: Actually, I do. Em, will you remember one thing? Even when you hate my guts, I'll always try to listen. And I'll try to understand. But, we've got to keep talking, ok? I love you. More than everything else in the world, ok? Emma: Mommy, I was so scared. Spike: I know you were, baby. I know. (They hug. Emma cries.)

Plan: A: their high school reunion; Q: What is the event? A: Spike's teenage daughter; Q: Who is Emma? A: plans; Q: What does Emma make? A: Jordan; Q: What is the name of Emma's internet boyfriend? A: person; Q: What does Emma want to meet her boyfriend in? A: her friends; Q: Who warns Emma about the dangers of meeting people on the internet? A: Joey; Q: Who is unsure if he wants to go to the reunion? A: girlfriend Caitlin; Q: Who is Joey's ex-girlfriend? A: Keith; Q: Who is Caitlin bringing to the event? Summary: Degrassi High' s classes of 1992 and 1993 return for their high school reunion. Spike's teenage daughter Emma makes plans to finally meet her Internet boyfriend "Jordan" in person, even though her friends continue to warn her about the potential dangers of communicating with people over only the Internet. Recently widowed, Joey is unsure if he even wants to go, especially after finding out that his ex-girlfriend Caitlin is bringing her fiancée Keith to the event.

JACK HARKNESS (v.o.) : Torchwood. Outside the government, beyond the police. Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race. The 21st Century is when everything changes... and Torchwood is ready. FLASH TO : PREVIOUSLY ON INT. THE HUB - BACK CORRIDOR Jack runs his thumb along the engagement ring on Gwen's finger. He lifts her hand up. JACK : What's this ? GWEN : That's an engagement ring, that is. JACK : You're getting married ? GWEN : Yes, Rhys asked. JACK : And you said yes ? GWEN : Well, no one else will have me. I need stability, Jack, someone I can rely on. INT. BAR / CLUB - NIGHT LEGEND : FRIDAY NIGHT Music : "Filthy Gorgeous," by Scissor Sisters. Music pulses through the crowded club. A group of three women in red shirts and pink furry cowboy hats are holding their drinks and moving to the music. CARRIE (glancing at her watch) : Oh, it's the service she's meant to be late for, not her hen do. Where is she ? Gwen walks into the club across the room. TRINA (points) : Here she is ! GIRLFRIENDS (sing loudly) : Here comes the bride, looking for a ride. Here comes the bride, and she'll take it up the aisle ! CARRIE : Ey, thought you'd bottled it. GWEN : No, I had a lot on at work. CARRIE : Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - NIGHT (EARLIER) LEGEND : 2 HOURS EARLIER Gwen is running on the sidewalk. OWEN (from radio) : Careful, Gwen... INTERCUT WITH : INT. HUB - WORKSTATIONS - NIGHT (EARLIER) Owen is at the computer. OWEN :... this thing eats people. EXT. STREET - NIGHT (EARLIER) Gwen has her gun out and starts down the substation stairs. INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT (EARLIER) She makes her way down the stairs and enters the bathroom. She starts between the stalls, kicking the doors open to check each one. An older man in a suit steps out of one of the first stalls, startling Gwen. He's strangely calm. Gwen has her gun on him. She puts her gun down. GWEN : Oh, sorry, love, on your way. The man's eyes are red and he snarls at her, baring his pointed, blackened teeth. He holds his hands up as claws and starts toward her. Gwen fires multiple times, hitting him square in the chest. The man turns and runs out. Gwen starts after him. EXT. STREET - NIGHT (EARLIER) The shape-shifter runs out of the substation bathrooms. He's no longer the older man, but a young man. GWEN (v.o.) : Jack, it's a shape-shifter ! Gwen exits the substation bathrooms. GWEN (v.o.) : He could look like anyone now, but he's leaving a trail of black blood. She looks around. The shape-shifter is running down the sidewalk, his hand clutched to the wound in his side. GWEN (to mic) : He's changed but it's definitely him. He's heading towards Trinity Street. Gwen runs after him. INT. BAR - NIGHT Gwen is in her red shirt and pink fuzzy cowboy hat. She's munching on a bag of chips. GWEN : So, is there anything to eat tonight, or is it just booze all the way ? TRINA : Booze, blokes, bopping and booze ! The brunette girlfriend signals to someone behind Gwen. OFFICER (STRIPPER) (o.s.) : Gwen Cooper... Gwen turns around. A stripper dressed as an officer steps up to her and tosses his hat aside. OFFICER (STRIPPER) :... you're nicked. GWEN (eyes wide) : Oh, no. As the girlfriends laugh, the stripper rips his shirt and pants off revealing a red dildo peering out of hot pink Speedos. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - NIGHT (EARLIER) Gwen runs up the steps and exits the sidewalk through an open iron gate. She slows, her gun out. MAN (o.s.) : All alone ? Gwen whirls around. MAN (o.s.) : Quick, through here. She looks behind her, doing a 180-degree turn. Suddenly, the shape-shifter bursts out through the bushes. He's younger and dark-haired, red-eyed and rotten teeth, and snarling at her. He grabs her, catching her off guard and tackles her down to the bags of trash and boxes behind her. GWEN : Ahh ! A cat screeches off screen. The shape-shifter is above her. She grabs his neck, pushing him back. He snarls and screeches above her. With one hand, she reaches blindly for the gun near her head. INT. BAR - BATHROOM - NIGHT Gwen and her girlfriends are in the bathroom, giggling and washing their hands. GWEN : This is such a bad idea. I'm getting married in... like, what, what... thirteen hours ! She lifts up her left arm to look at her watch. We note that her forearm is wrapped in a fresh bandage, there are a couple of splotches of blood already seeping through the gauze. The girls burst into more giggles and laughter. Gwen looks at herself in the mirror. GWEN : Oh, look at me ! Hot. She dabs her forehead with her wrist. CARRIE : Oh, you're gorgeous. Rhys is so lucky. TRINA : Oh, I know. (She looks at the brunette girlfriend). I've heard about his cock ! The two girlfriends burst into laughter. Gwen stares at them with wide eyes. CARRIE : What have you done to your arm ? She nods to the bandage on Gwen's arm. EXT. STREET - NIGHT (EARLIER) The shape-shifter grabs Gwen's left arm and bites down hard on her forearm. GWEN : Ahh ! Ahh ! Get off ! Gwen screams and pushes him away from her. She grabs her injured arm. The shape-shifter slams back against the wire gate. He's shot multiple times in the chest. Gwen looks behind her and sees Jack. The shape-shifter screeches and falls to the ground. Jack runs up to Gwen. She holds her right hand out to him and he helps her to her feet. JACK : You all right ? GWEN : Yeah. He looks at her injured arm. JACK : Owen should take a look at that. INT. BAR - BATHROOM - NIGHT Gwen looks down at her injured arm. GWEN : Um... nothing, it's just a scratch. Gwen smiles at Carrie, who smiles back. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GWEN'S PLACE - MORNING [SCENE_BREAK] CLOCK. It's 7:00. The alarm beeps and radio switches on. Gwen gets up with a start. She slams the alarm off. LEGEND : SATURDAY MORNING Gwen groans and rubs her aching head. GWEN : Aw... Gwen. GWEN'S BLURRY POV She looks at her wedding dress hanging on the closet door and FOCUSES on the dress. Gwen smiles and clasps her hands together in glee. It's her wedding day ! RADIO (softly in b.g.) : For you and as the time's flying by I just pray to God... Gwen flings the covers aside and sits up on the edge of the bed. She stops and turns slowly to look at her reflection in the mirror. She stands up and shows her protruding and very pregnant belly. Her jaw drops and eyes open wide... GWEN : Oh... Opening credits INT. GWEN'S PLACE - BEDROOM - MORNING Owen is examining Gwen's protruding and very pregnant belly with his stethoscope. OWEN : Gwen ? GWEN : Hm ? OWEN : You're pregnant. Almost full term. GWEN : Pregnant ? (Owen nods). That's not possible. The front door slams shut. Jack appears in the bedroom doorway. Owen quickly removes his stethoscope. JACK : How you doing, Gwen ? GWEN : Jack, will you tell me what's going on ? Owen says I'm pregnant. A device Owen's holding is beeping. JACK : Oh, you think ? GWEN : Jesus Christ ! What with ? OWEN : It's an exo-biological insemination. JACK : That alien last night. GWEN : Oh, get off ! She pushes Owen away from her and surges to her feet. She's moving past Jack and out the bedroom door. GWEN : It bit me, Jack. That's all. Owen turns to look at Jack. Jack rolls his eyes. GWEN (o.s.) : Ugh ! They both leave the room and follow Gwen. INT. GWEN'S PLACE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Gwen is in the kitchen pouring herself a glass of water. Jack and Owen walk in. JACK : Passed the eggs on in the bite. Some species do that. A kind of sneaky way of keeping the bloodline going. Boy, would Darwin have a field day if he'd made it to space. GWEN : Mmm. Yeah. Great. OWEN : Listen, Gwen, you are going to be fine, I promise, okay ? If there was any biological incompatibility you would be dead. Gwen opens the refrigerator and reaches for something to eat. Owen takes out his scanner. Now, according to this scan you're carrying a non-sentient blastopheric mass. GWEN : A what ?! She opens the jar of pickles and starts eating. OWEN : It's a kind of alien egg. But don't worry... I'm going to look after you, I promise. We've got procedures for this situation. GWEN : You mean, this has happened before ? JACK : You've heard of immaculate conception, haven't you ? Well... OWEN : Right, we take you back to the hub. You lie back, I run a bio-xenic microtron, a couple of days off your feet, and you'll be right as rain. GWEN : Whoa, a "couple of days" ? In five hours I'm walking down the aisle, Owen ! JACK : No, you're not. OWEN : Gwen, I hate to say this, but you're going to have to postpone the wedding. GWEN : No ! N-no way. Have you any idea how much a wedding costs ? JACK : Listen, Gwen, you are not carrying the baby Jesus in there. GWEN : I don't care ! All right ? I can't put Rhys through this. He's had to put up with enough as it is, okay ? So I'm not postponing the wedding. JACK : You are not thinking straight. GWEN (shouts) : Do not bring my bloody hormones into this, Mr. Jack Harkness ! Points. JACK : Okay, calm down. GWEN : Owen has said if this wasn't safe, I would know about it by now, right ? OWEN : As far as I know, yeah... GWEN : Okay, so I am good until after the wedding. And then I'll do whatever I have to do. Once I'm Mrs. Williams. Not before. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THE BACHELOR PAD - MORNING Rhys's phone is on the floor as it rings. Rhys reaches for the phone. He's on the couch and still sleeping. RHYS (to phone) : Hello ? INTERCUT WITH : INT. GWEN'S PLACE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Gwen is on the phone as she paces the floor. GWEN (to phone) : Rhys ? RHYS (to phone) : Gwen ! (Sits up, chuckles). Morning, lovely. Don't worry... (Throws a stuffed animal, hitting Banana Boat on the head and waking him up. Rhys stands up). Banana... Boat's on the, on the phone to the florist right now, checking the button holes. GWEN (to phone) : Oh, he showed up, then ? RHYS (to phone) : Uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, Lanzarote cops let him go with a warning. GWEN (to phone) : Rhys, I need to see you. RHYS (to phone) : It's bad luck before the wedding. Rhys looks at his reflection in the mirror and his smile and good cheer fade quickly. RHYS (flatly) : What's happened ? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THE HUB - WORKSTATIONS - MORNING The hub alarms sound and door closes. Jack and Owen return. Toshiko is at her workstation. TOSHIKO : How is she ? OWEN : She's going ahead with the wedding. JACK : Which is fine, as long as she doesn't go into labor at the altar. (Ianto enters). Rhys might forgive her going down the aisle pregnant, but not giving birth to a razor-toothed monster that eats half his family. IANTO : Could that happen ? OWEN : Well, look, the pregnancy's advanced and we're not familiar with the species. JACK : Which is why you, Owen, need to open up the guy with the teeth and make sure there's no surprises. OWEN : I'm on it. Owen heads out. JACK : Tosh, you've got an early pass to the wedding. (Toshiko smiles). Keep an eye on Gwen. Ianto... IANTO : Jack ? JACK : Gwen's going to need a new wedding dress. Bigger. Ianto turns and heads out. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GWEN'S PLACE - LIVING ROOM Gwen waits in the kitchen for Rhys to arrive. Off screen, the front door slams shut. RHYS : Gwen ?! (Rushes through the hallway). What is it ? You've got me going out of my head. (Enters living room). Don't tell me you're having second thoughts. GWEN : No, I'm not. Gwen shows him her very pregnant belly. Rhys is speechless. Gwen points to her belly and shakes her head. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BRIDAL SHOP - DAY Ianto looks through the wedding dresses on the rack. He removes one and holds it up against himself as he looks at his reflection in the mirror. The shop assistant walks up to him. SHOP ASSISTANT : Can I help you ? IANTO : Yeah, I'm looking for a wedding dress for a friend. SHOP ASSISTANT : Of course you are, sir. You'd be surprised, we're quite used to men buying for their... "friends". [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GWEN'S PLACE - LIVING ROOM RHYS : b*st*rd Torchwood ! GWEN : I know. RHYS : b*st*rd Torchwood ! GWEN : I know. RHYS : Pregnant ! (Shouts). You're pregnant ! GWEN : Sorry, out of everything that could have screwed things up... I really don't know what to say. RHYS (shouts) : You don't have to say anything, all right ! Gwen stares at him. RHYS (quiet) : Sorry. It's not your fault. (Riled up again). It's them ! It's Jack ! It's not like he didn't know you were getting married today ! Why the hell did he have to send you out last night ?!GWEN (shouts) : Because it's my job ! RHYS : Well, are you going to be all right ? GWEN : I'll be fine. They'll take me to the hub. Owen's got this... uh... big machine... thing. RHYS : Good. GWEN : Yes. RHYS : Right, um... look, I'll... uh... I'll get Banana to start ringing people. Um, we'll tell everybody you're ill. Uh, appendicitis or something... GWEN : We're not postponing the wedding. No way. RHYS : Forget the money, I want you where they can look after you, right ? (Voice quivers). Getting married today doesn't matter. GWEN : It matters to me ! It's not about the money, Rhys. I want to marry you ! Today. Whatever happens. If the skies are suddenly fill full of spaceships, or an army of weevils climb out of the drains on St. Mary's Street, you fool ! (She hits him with the dish cloth).Do you not understand what I'm saying, Rhys Williams ? All I want to do today is marry you,that's all I want to do. Touched, Rhys hugs Gwen and holds her tight. GWEN (gasps) : Ooh, uh... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HUB - AUTOPSY AREA - DAY Owen opens the white body bag and exposes the sharp-toothed shape-changer inside. Toshiko walks in and pauses on the steps. TOSHIKO : Um, Owen ? OWEN : Woot-woo. Look at you. She's in a purple dress with hair up and ready to go to the wedding. TOSHIKO : Do you like it ? OWEN : Drop-dead gorgeous, Tosh, and I think I speak with some authority. He turns to get forceps. Toshiko walks down the steps into the area. TOSHIKO : I don't really get a chance to dress up much. What are you wearing ? OWEN : The truth is, Tosh, weddings have never really been me, either. Love 'em and leave 'em. That was me. TOSHIKO : Owen, you should come, could be fun. OWEN : Have you ever seen a dead man dance ? TOSHIKO : I've seen Fred Astaire in Easter Parade. Twice. Late night TV. OWEN : God, you need a date, don't you ? Which this isn't, is it ? TOSHIKO : No, Owen, it isn't. I just want you to come to the wedding. Please. OWEN : Oh, all right, I'll... dig out my dancing shoes. She smiles and heads out. Owen turns his attention to the body. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GWEN'S PLACE - DAY Gwen talks with her parents, Geraint and Mary Cooper. GERAINT COOPER : I know it's been a while, duckling, but, um,... we... uh... never dreamed this. GWEN : Rhys and I wanted it to be a surprise for you. MARY COOPER : You're always full of them, but, well, this beats them all. GERAINT : Is this why you haven't come to see us ? All those cancelled visits ? GWEN : No. No, Dad, don't be silly. It's my job. MARY : This mysterious job. All the same, Swansea's not another planet. GWEN : Mmm. GERAINT : You could have phoned, duckling. GWEN : I'm sorry. MARY : Oh, don't be sorry, Gwen. I can't wait to see the look on Rhys's mum's face. (She laughs as she gets up and gives Gwen a hug). It's wonderful news, Gwen ! Your dad's been going blue, holding his breath, waiting for a little grandchild. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CARDIFF BAY AREA (STOCK) - DAY Clear skies, lovely view. Perfect day for a wedding. EXT. HOTEL (STOCK) - DAY Large hotel out in the country. EXT. HOTEL - FRONT - DAY The car pulls up front and stops. The door opens and Geraint Cooper gets out. He holds the back door open as Gwen gets out of the back seat. [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen and her mother head for the hotel as Geraint helps unload the back of the car. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY - CONTINUOUS Gwen signs the registration book at the front desk. Geraint and Mary stand in the back of the room behind Gwen. GERAINT COOPER (whispers to Mary) : I was with Rhys and his mates all night last night. (Gwen removes her jacket). No one said anything about Gwen being pregnant. MARY COOPER : Well, Rhys was probably under orders. Gwen knows how to control her men. GERAINT COOPER : Studied under the mistress. Mary looks at him and they share a smile and soft laugh. The front door slams closed. Brenda and Barry Williams enter. MARY COOPER : Oh, there's Rhys's mum and dad. GERAINT COOPER : Brenda. Brenda nods to them. Gwen turns away as they enter. BRENDA WILLIAMS : Geraint. GERAINT COOPER : Barry. BARRY WILLIAMS : Hello. MARY COOPER (hugs and faux kisses Brenda) : Lovely to see you, Brenda. BRENDA WILLIAMS : What a lovely outfit. Such a brave choice for you. MARY : And you were so made for green. GERAINT : Big day at last. BARRY : How's the bride ? GERAINT : Well... They turn to look at the front desk and find Gwen gone. They look around. Gwen's nowhere to be seen. Mary looks at Geraint. GERAINT : Um, maybe there's something we should... uh... talk about... BRENDA : Oh ? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - RHYS'S ROOM - DAY Rhys opens the door and finds Gwen standing out in the hallway. RHYS : Gwen ! She walks in. GWEN : This isn't going to work, Rhys ! He closes the door behind her. GWEN : We haven't thought this through properly. I mean, what about after the wedding ? RHYS (sighs) : I've been thinking the same. GWEN : My mum and dad think that they are getting a grandchild. (Rhys nods). Your mum and dad are going to be thinking the same thing. They're going to be excited, they're going to be planning things. I can't tell them I've lost a baby. They'll be devastated. RHYS (reaches for her hand) : We could tell them the truth. GWEN (backs away) : Whoa... talk sense now, Rhys. RHYS : Well, the lies don't work, Gwen. Remember ? You tried it. GWEN : What do you think the truth will do to them ? We've seen what comes through the rift. I don't want my mum and dad living in fear of what's prowling around in the sewers ! Gwen's phone rings. GWEN : I'm sorry. She answers it and steps away from Rhys. GWEN (to phone) : Hey, Jack. INTERCUT WITH : INT. THE HUB - JACK'S OFFICE - DAY JACK (to phone, smiles) : Hey. How are you doing ? Gwen sits on the bed. GWEN (to phone) : Oh, you know, so far so good. JACK (to phone) : Look, I just wanted to let you know Tosh will be with you anytime. Call it moral support. GWEN (to phone) : I don't need a baby-sitter. Rhys holds out his hand for the phone. RHYS : Give it here. He snaps his fingers and takes the phone from her. RHYS (to phone) : We don't need you at all, Jack ! You've already done plenty to mess up today. Do us both a favor and keep well out of it, yeah ? JACK : Yeah, I hear you, Rhys. Look, still, congratulations... Rhys hangs up. The line disconnects. Jack pulls the phone away from his ear and looks at it before closing it. Rhys closes the phone. GWEN : It's not his fault. Rhys is silent and still fuming. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY A blonde-haired woman dressed in black walks down the main stairs and turns to exit to the left. The bridal party walks in through the front door. CARRIE : Oh, this is nice, isn't it, Trina ? TRINA : Class on toast. Eh, you should get a brochure, Mervyn. If some poor girl ever gets drunk enough to marry you. Trina and Carrie laugh. MERVYN : Uh, yeah, that's, that's funny. I tell you what, it's going to take more than a swanky hotel to get a catch like me down the aisle. Banana Boat comes down the main stairs and joins them. The women turn to sign in at the front desk. BANANA BOAT : And here's mad Mervyn, the Minister of Sound ! MERVYN : Well, the Duke of Disco, the Regent of Rock and the Lord of Love. BANANA BOAT : Whatever you say, mate. Listen, do you want a hand with the decks and the lights ? MERVYN : Aye, but, uh... (Looks at the women signing in). I tell you what, reckon I'm up for a bit of a Mervyn sandwich later, huh. Banana Boat chuckles. Mervyn leaves. Banana Boat turns and promptly loses his ability to speak as he sees Toshiko walk in carrying a large dress box. BANANA BOAT : Woah. All right, love ? You've got a big box. Do you want a hand with that ? TOSHIKO : Uh. No, thank you. I'm fine. Toshiko makes her way toward the front desk. BANANA BOAT : Are you going to the wedding ? TOSHIKO : I'm a friend of Gwen's. BANANA BOAT : Well, I'm Banana. I suppose you can tell why. TOSHIKO : You come up in spots and go soft quickly ? She puts the dress box down on the front desk. BANANA BOAT : I'm actually the best man. TOSHIKO : Evolution is full of surprises. BANANA BOAT : I get to check everything personally, right. Uh, the disco, cake, flowers, seating. TOSHIKO (to front desk) : Bridal suite ? FRONT DESK (o.s.) : First floor, on your left. BANANA BOAT : So do you fancy a little drink later ? Toshiko picks up her box and heads up the main stairs. Banana doesn't follow her. TOSHIKO : Sorry, I'm intolerant to vasoactive amines. BANANA BOAT : Huh ? TOSHIKO : Bananas make me vomit. Toshiko walks up the stairs. Banana puts his hands in his pockets and walks off to the left. INT. HOTEL - BAR - CONTINUOUS Banana Boat enters the bar area, walking up to Mervyn, who is hanging his jacket on the back of the chair. He turns and looks at the blonde-haired woman in black at the bar. She looks back at him. Mervyn turns and eyes Banana Boat. Mervyn rubs his hands together and walks up to the woman in black. MERVYN : Now, a looker like you must be on the bride's side. I don't think they've got your sort of style in Rhys's family. WOMAN IN BLACK : I like to put on a show. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY / BRIDAL SUITE Gwen opens the door and finds Toshiko and the large dress box out in the hallway. TOSHIKO : Hi. GWEN : Hi. TOSHIKO : Jack sent me over with this. [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen opens the dress box and finds the wedding dress inside. Toshiko sits in the nearby chair watching her. GWEN : It's beautiful. TOSHIKO : And, I don't blame you for telling Jack and Owen to stick a postponement. I think it's wonderful you're getting married, whatever. GWEN : Tosh, thank you. TOSHIKO : Very lucky. GWEN : Yes. Gwen looks at Toshiko and sees her looking down, sad. GWEN : You know, Tosh, it'll happen for you, one day. There's always Owen... TOSHIKO : I don't think so. "In sickness and in health, till death do us part" ? That's going to sound like a bad joke, isn't it ? Toshiko stands up. TOSHIKO : Um, I'll let you get on. If you need me, I'll be downstairs. Good luck. GWEN : Thank you. She heads out. Gwen turns back and looks at the dress. TOSHIKO (o.s.) : Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THE HUB - JACK'S OFFICE Jack flips through the booklet with dresses in it. He sees one he likes. JACK : No, I like that one. (He turns to Ianto, who is looking over his shoulder). Good choice. IANTO : I estimated Gwen's size from the hub security laser scans. (Jack nods). As you know, my dad was a master tailor. He could size a man's inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop threshold. JACK : Ah, the family eye. Remind me to test it some time. IANTO : Well, if... uh... later on... Owen bursts into the office. OWEN : Jack. IANTO : Yeah, brilliant, like that one. OWEN : We've got a problem. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THE HUB - AUTOPSY AREA Owen pulls out a large gland covered in black stickiness from the metal pan. He shows it to Jack and Ianto. OWEN : Look what our friend was hiding. IANTO : And that is ? OWEN : A proteus gland. The shape-shifting organ of a Nostrovite. IANTO : And what is that, exactly ? JACK : Trouble. Owen drops the gland back into the pan. It sticks to his fingers. JACK : Big trouble. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - BAR - DAY Mervyn is putting a red corsage on the blonde woman's black dress. MERVYN : No good-looking woman should be at a wedding without a flower. He accidentally sticks her with the pin. WOMAN IN BLACK : Ouch ! MERVYN : Oh. Bugger. Sorry. The woman dabs at the cut with her bar napkin. MERVYN : Can I get you another drink ? WOMAN IN BLACK : Actually, do you feel like getting a bite ? She smiles at him. He smiles as she takes him by the hand and leads him out of the bar. Toshiko watches them leave. She gets up and goes to the bar with her empty glass. TOSHIKO (to the bartender) : Another spritzer, please. As she waits for her refill, she looks down at the bar napkin. It's spotted with black blood. She rushes out of the bar. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - BRIDAL SUITE - DAY Gwen is sitting cross-legged on the bed. There's a knock at the door. She opens the door and finds her two bridesmaids, Trina and Carrie, there. GWEN (smiles) : Hey, oh. Trina pushes the door open to get a good look at Gwen's pregnant belly. She gasps. GIRLFRIEND (o.s.) : My God ! It's true ! Gwen whistles. There's no hiding it now. GIRLFRIEND (o.s.) : But how ? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - MERVYN'S ROOM - DAY Mervyn is on the bed. The Woman in Black is on Mervyn. They're laughing. The Woman in Black pushes Mervyn roughly backward on the bed. She rips his shirt open, pushes it up and works on undoing his belt. MERVYN : Steady on, girl. I'm on stage later. The Woman in Black puts her head down. INTERCUT WITH : INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY OUTSIDE MERVYN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Toshiko makes her way down the hallway. She pauses by one of the room doors and listens. At the other end of the hallway, Banana Boat sees her. BANANA BOAT : Hey, baby, if you're looking for my room, you just passed it, mind. TOSHIKO (quietly) : I'm not. And don't call me "baby". She walks past him. He turns and follows her. BANANA BOAT : So what shall I call you, then ? "Beautiful" ? She quickly turns, grabs his arm, twists it behind him as she slams him up against the wall. He grunts. TOSHIKO (irritated) : Don't call me anything. Don't say anything. INT. HOTEL - MERVYN'S ROOM - DAY Mervyn is lying back on the bed with a huge smile on his face as the Woman in Black is all over him. She snarls and reaches a monstrous-clawed hand up toward his mouth. She bites down hard on him. Bones crunch. Mervyn screams. She continues to bite down on him. INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY OUTSIDE MERVYN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Toshiko hears the screams. She lets Banana Boat go and takes out her gun. She cocks it and backs away from him toward Mervyn's room. Banana Boat raises his hands. TOSHIKO : Don't move ! He turns to face the wall as Toshiko turns the corner. INT. HOTEL - MERVYN'S ROOM - DAY The Woman in Black is applying fresh lipstick. Toshiko kicks the door in, her gun up and pointed at the Woman in Black. She sees there's a lot of blood on the bed. TOSHIKO : What have you done with him ? She takes a couple of steps into the room and sees the remains of the body on the other side of the bed. Banana Boat enters the room behind Toshiko. BANANA BOAT : What the hell is going on ? She turns around, distracted. The Woman in Black gets up and punches Toshiko in the face, knocking her down. She grabs Banana Boat's neck and pushes him up against the open door. WOMAN IN BLACK (NOSTROVITE) : You're lucky, I'm watching my figure. But maybe I'll keep you for tea. She pulls him into the room. INT. HUB - JACK'S OFFICE Jack walks into his office. Ianto and Owen follow. JACK : A Nostrovite is a shape-shifting carnivore with a taste for human flesh. It's intelligent and sneaky and... dammit, I should have seen this before. Ianto opens the desk drawer and takes out Jack's holster and gun. OWEN : That's it with shape-shifters, innit ? You never know what you're looking at. IANTO : What's the big deal ? It's dead. OWEN : Yeah. This one is. IANTO : Oh, does there have to be more ? Owen takes his lab coat off. OWEN : Nostrovites mate for life. You know, like swans and penguins. Ianto helps Jack with his jacket. JACK : Yeah, except you don't find Nostrovites on greetings cards. OWEN : Right, and then the male Nostrovite carries the fertilized eggs in a sac in its mouth and passes it on to a host with a bite. Jack heads for the door. JACK : Gwen. IANTO : And where does the mother come in ? OWEN : Well, she tracks down the host, and rips it open. JACK : That's Nostrovite childbirth. And momma's out there right now, looking for Gwen. Come on. Jack, Ianto and Owen head out. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY Gwen crosses the lobby floor just as the Woman in Black, the female Nostrovite, comes down the main stairs. We hear the sounds of a heartbeat. Gwen heads up the stairs. As she approaches the Woman in Black, she gasps and doubles over. GWEN : Oh ! WOMAN IN BLACK : Are you all right ? GWEN : Oh, yeah, yeah. It was just a twinge. WOMAN IN BLACK : He'll be flexing his muscles. Not long to go now. Gwen continues up the stairs. The Woman in Black watches her go. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MILLENNIUM CENTRE - WATER TOWER - DAY Jack stands in front of the water tower, probably on the chameleon block and waits as the Torchwood SUV drives up to him. Owen comes running with a backpack just as Ianto pulls up in front of Jack. Jack steps down and opens the door. JACK : Tosh isn't responding. OWEN : Then let's get going. Owen opens the back door. JACK : Sure you're ready for this, Owen ? You know what a Nostrovite can do... you think you got it covered a hundred feet away, and it's already chewing on your liver. OWEN (checks a syringe) : I don't need my liver. You need me, Jack. Owen opens his backpack and Jack sees the singularity scalpel inside. JACK : Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa ! The singularity scalpel ? Where are you going with that ? Owen zips up his backpack. OWEN : Right. We need to get to Gwen before the Nostrovite does. We might not have a chance to get back to the hub and the microtron weighs about two tons. IANTO : Uh, that thing kills people. OWEN : I saved Martha with it. JACK : Lucky shot. OWEN : Listen, you two, you'd better start trusting me, okay ? I've been working on it, and I reckon I've got it sussed. Besides, with that Nostrovite around, we really don't have too many options. IANTO : He's got a point. JACK (to Ianto) : What is it with you ? Ever since Owen died, all you ever do is agree with him. Jack and Owen get into the SUV. IANTO : I was brought up never to speak ill of the dead, even if they still do most of the talking for themselves. JACK : Okay, Owen. But you better be sure you know what you're doing. The SUV drives away. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOTEL GROUNDS - DAY Lovely day. Beautiful gardens. INT. HOTEL - CHAPEL - DAY TRINA : Camouflage dressing ? I'm having her dressmaker's number. No way did Gwen look pregnant last night. The two bridesmaids walk down the aisle as they leave the ballroom. CARRIE : Oh, we must have had way too much to drink. TRINA : She was late, wasn't she ? CARRIE : Hmm. TRINA : We must have been out of our heads by the time she showed up. CARRIE : Oh, must have been, not to notice she was pregnant. Great night, or what ? INT. HOTEL - BRIDAL SUITE - DAY Mary Cooper adjusts the hem of Gwen's gown. She stands up and looks at Gwen's reflection in the mirror. MARY : You look like an angel. Gwen turns and looks at her mum. GWEN : Mum, I'm so sorry about this. MARY : Gwen, it's a baby. It's God's blessing. (She hugs Gwen). You will be a good wife, and a wonderful mother. And me and your dad, we'll always be there for you, and for our grandchild. (She gives Gwen an air kiss). I'll see you downstairs. I love you. She turns to leave. GWEN : Mum ? MARY (turns around) : Hmm ? GWEN (whispers emotionally) : I love you, too. Mary smiles at her. She turns toward the bathroom door as Gwen turns to look at her sideways reflection in the mirror. MARY : Hurry up, Geraint. And make sure you don't leave a wet patch ! Mary leaves. The toilet flushes and the bathroom door opens. The basin water runs. Gwen runs her hands over her large belly as she continues to stare forlornly at her reflection. She starts crying. Geraint steps out of the bathroom and looks at Gwen. GERAINT : Gwen ? What is it ? GWEN : I can't do this. I can't. (She turns around and looks at her dad). I can't lie to you and Mum, Dad. Dad, this baby isn't Rhys's. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOTEL GROUNDS - DAY Rhys is outside dialing on his cell phone. He's dressed for the wedding when his father, Barry, walks up to him. BARRY WILLIAMS : There's still no sign of Banana Boat ! RHYS : He'll be fine, Dad. BARRY : Listen, Rhys. Your mother says this wedding is becoming a nightmare. As if Gwen showing up pregnant wasn't bad enough. Now you are sure it's yours, aren't you ? RHYS : Dad ! I'm marrying her ! I love Gwen. Every atom of me loves Gwen, has done since the first time I laid eyes on her, okay ? BARRY : You loved Cerys Morgan once. RHYS : I was twelve years old ! BARRY : Still no Banana Boat. Rhys shakes his head. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - MERVYN'S ROOM - DAY Toshiko stirs. Squishy sounds ensue with every movement she makes. She groans and it looks as if she's fused to Banana Boat; his head is on her shoulder. TOSHIKO : Get away from me. Banana Boat is awake and he's just as stuck to her as she's stuck to him. They're both wrapped tightly in black stuff. BANANA BOAT : Well, I wish I could, love. Toshiko struggles and looks around. BANANA BOAT : Don't bother, I've tried. We're stuck fast. The thick black stuff is wrapped tightly around them, over the bed and to the bedposts. TOSHIKO : I can't believe it. Can you at least move your hand ? Beat. TOSHIKO : Away ! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - BRIDAL SUITE - DAY Gwen talks with her father. GERAINT COOPER : If there's another man, if you don't want to go through with the wedding, it's... it's all right. We'll sort things out. GWEN : There isn't another man. GERAINT : But you said. GWEN : Please listen. (She takes his hand). Cardiff is in the middle of a space-time rift. GERAINT : A what ? GWEN : I work for an organization that controls what comes through it. GERAINT : Comes from where ? GWEN : Other planets. Other dimensions. (Kneels in front of him). Aliens, Dad. I'm talking about aliens. That's what I do, Torchwood. We're called Torchwood. We hunt down aliens that come through the rift. She nods at him, waiting for a reaction. GERAINT (gasps) : Oh, my God. She shows him her bandaged arm. GWEN : Look, one bit me last night, don't ask me to explain, I can't. I'm pregnant. Rhys isn't the father. It's an alien. She points to her belly. GWEN : It's an alien. He looks at Gwen. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - CHAPEL - DAY Children are laughing and running around. Geraint heads back to join Mary, who is talking with a man. GERAINT : Hi. The man excuses himself. Mary turns to look at Geraint. GERAINT : Poor girl, this wedding's got her stressed to pieces. Thinks that baby of hers is an alien from outer space. MARY COOPER : What ? GERAINT : It'll be all right. Once we get through today. Brenda walks up join them. BRENDA WILLIAMS : Gwen seems to be taking her time. MARY : You remember how it is, Brenda. The bride likes to make an entrance. BRENDA : Maybe, but I wasn't late for my wedding. MARY : No. Barry might have got away. Mary walks away. Geraint discretely turns and leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - MERVYN'S ROOM - DAY Banana Boat and Toshiko are still stuck together on the bed. BANANA BOAT : If it comes back, it's going to kill us, innit ? TOSHIKO : Calm down. I've got friends. They'll find us. BANANA BOAT : Yeah, but what if they don't ? What if it comes back ? I mean, we're it's bloody pack lunch, in't we ? (Shouts). Help ! Help ! TOSHIKO : Shut up ! BANANA BOAT (ignores her) : Help ! Someone help ! TOSHIKO : If it hears you screaming, it'll come and shut you up... permanently ! BANANA BOAT (shouts) : Help ! Someone ! Help. Toshiko grabs him. BANANA BOAT : Oh-ohh ! TOSHIKO : That's enough, unless you want to start singing in falsetto. BANANA BOAT : Ah. Ow ! That really hurt. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY The organ music plays, "Here Comes the Bride". INT. HOTEL - CHAPEL - DAY The audience stands up. The Woman in Black is seated in the audience. She turns and watches as Geraint and Gwen walk down the aisle. As Gwen passes by her, a heartbeat sound gets louder and louder. The audience gasps as they realize that Gwen is very, very pregnant. Brenda gets a good look at Gwen's belly and gasps. Mary smiles smugly. Geraint and Gwen reach the front with Rhys. Geraint stops and lifts her veil and kisses her on the cheek before taking his seat next to Mary. Gwen and Rhys smile at each other. The audience sits. Gwen and Rhys hold hands. REGISTRAR : Friends and family of Rhys and Gwen, we're here today to celebrate the marriage of two people... The heartbeat grows louder and louder as we hold on the Woman in Black. REGISTRAR :... a ceremony binding in law... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TORCHWOOD SUV (MOVING) - DAY Owen sits in the back seat as he fiddles with the singularity scalpel. OWEN : How much further ? IANTO : A few minutes. JACK : What I don't understand is, if people are going to make such a big deal about getting married, why come all the way out into the middle of nowhere, where no one can find you, to do it ? That, to me, suggests inner conflict. IANTO : It's because the happy couple want everything to be perfect. OWEN : An alien egg in your belly and its mother coming to rip you open. Yeah, perfect..; [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - CHAPEL - DAY The ceremony continues. REGISTRAR : Rhys and Gwen have chosen to solemnize their commitment before you... Pause on the Woman in Black. Heartbeat sounds grow louder and louder. REGISTRAR : But first the law requires me to ask of you all, if there is anyone here... The heartbeat sounds quicken. REGISTRAR :... who knows of any reason why these two may not marry ? Pause. JACK (o.s.) : Stop ! The door at the back of the room bursts open. The audience gasps and turns around. Gwen turns around. Rhys turns around. JACK : Stop it ! Jack runs into the chapel. JACK : Stop the wedding ! Jack runs up the aisle toward Gwen and Rhys. JACK : Hold on ! GWEN : Jack ? JACK : Gwen, believe me, I'm sorry. But this has to stop now. BRENDA (stands up) : I just knew that baby wasn't Rhys's ! RHYS (whispers) : What the hell are you doing here ? GWEN : Jack, I've told you, I am marrying Rhys ! JACK : Not now. You can't. RHYS : Butt out, Jack ! You've screwed things up enough between me and Gwen. You are not going to mess up our wedding ! JACK : Listen, I am trying to save Gwen's life. Yours, too. GWEN : What's going on, Jack ? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY / MERVYN'S ROOM - DAY Owen rushes down the hallway, his gun up. He cocks it and reaches the corner. Something beeps. He turns and checks around the corner. It's clear. IANTO : Shh. I've got a fix on Tosh's comms. Ianto is in front of him with the scanner. They start toward Mervyn's room. The scanner beeps. Ianto kicks the door in, his gun out as he steps into the room. Owen is right behind him. They find Toshiko and Banana Boat tied together on the bed. Owen heads toward them. OWEN : Tosh ! Are you okay ? TOSHIKO : Just get me out of here ! Ianto checks out the rest of the room. BANANA BOAT : All right, mate ? I'm Banana. TOSHIKO : More like a gooseberry. IANTO (o.s.) : Owen. Owen sees the dead remains on the floor on the other side of the bed. OWEN : Oh, Jesus. That's disgusting. Owen and Ianto swap places. Owen goes to check out the remains while Ianto tries to free Toshiko. IANTO : I'll get you out of here. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - BRIDAL SUITE - DAY The door opens. Gwen, Rhys and Jack walk in. GWEN : There were two of them ? JACK : Ma and Pa Nostrovite. They hunt in pairs. But childbirth is more of a... three-way. He finds and impregnates a host. She then comes in like the midwife from hell, hanging around, watching, waiting, until the time is right. Then it gets messy. Rhys closes the door. RHYS : So you think it's near ? JACK : She's a shape-shifter, Rhys. She could be out there making small talk with your mom and dad. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOTEL - GARDENS - DAY Trina and Carrie have a drink and walk through the gardens. TRINA : You reckon it's all over, then ? CARRIE : Some good-looking guy sweeps up the aisle and tells you to hold off on the confetti. What are you going to do, marry Rhys ? TRINA : So the baby's his, is it ? CARRIE : Didn't you see the look on her face when he showed up ? TRINA (nods) : Mmm. Carrie finishes her drink. CARRIE : Anyway, I'd better go and find Mervyn. Tell him not to bother getting George Michael out the back of the van. Carrie heads for the hotel. As she walks, she passes the Woman in Black, standing on the edge of the garden, waiting and watching the hotel. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - BRIDAL SUITE - DAY Gwen is sitting on the bed as she talks with Jack. Rhys listens nearby. GWEN : We're not stopping the wedding. JACK : Gwen, there isn't a choice here. GWEN : Ever since I've met you, Jack, all Rhys has had to put up with, with me, is crap. The lies. The danger. The complications. But he's stood by me. Who else would do that ? (She stands up). Who else would marry me knowing that I am carrying some kind of monster inside me ? I love him, and I'm going to marry him, today. RHYS : Thanks. But it is my wedding, too. Don't I get a say ? Before Jack can answer, a woman screams. Jack runs out of the room. INT. HOTEL - MERVYN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Carrie is screaming at the sight of Mervyn's bloody remains on the floor. OWEN : That's all we need. Owen hurries over to the remains and removes his backpack as he kneels down next to it. Carrie continues screaming. She turns and runs out of the hotel room as Ianto and Toshiko watch. Jack runs into the hotel room through the open door. JACK : Ianto, after the girl. I need this contained. Rhys and Gwen enter the room as Ianto tries to get out. OWEN : Jack ! Rhys sees the remains and panics. RHYS : Oh, God ! I want Gwen out of here now, Jack ! TOSHIKO : Jack, I've seen the shape-shifter. It's a woman. She's in black. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - CHAPEL - DAY The Woman in Black calmly walks down the aisle. Brenda turns to talk with Mary. BRENDA WILLIAMS : Do you know what's going on ? MARY COOPER : I'm in the dark, too, Brenda. BRENDA : The problem seems to be an American with no sense of timing or fashion. And your daughter ! Carrie screams as she runs in to the chapel entrance. Ianto runs in after her. CARRIE : Call the police ! Mervyn's been murdered ! IANTO (to comm) : Jack, I'm afraid the situation is uncontained. INTERCUT WITH : INT. HOTEL - MERVYN'S ROOM - DAY JACK (to comm) : Okay, Ianto, get to the SUV, jam the phone lines. The last thing we need is someone calling the police. (To Toshiko) Tosh, you're with me. We'll find that woman in black. Gwen, Owen needs to operate, now. RHYS : I want Gwen safe Jack, now ! JACK : I want her safe, too, Rhys. So we do what I say ! GWEN : Rhys, Jack knows what he's doing, darling, okay ? JACK : Look, if we run, the Nostrovite will be waiting for us. And we're running out of time. GWEN : What's the plan, Jack ? Owen holds up his backpack. OWEN : I've got an idea. RHYS : Then I'm staying here, okay ? JACK : Fine ! Tosh, with me. Jack and Toshiko rush out of the hotel room. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - CHAPEL - DAY Barry gets a busy signal on his cell phone. BARRY WILLIAMS : What the hell's going on here ? Geraint also has no success with his phone. GERAINT COOPER : I had a signal before. The wedding guests wait. The Woman in Black is seated back in her chair. JACK (shouts, o.s.) : Move ! Jack and Toshiko run into the room. JACK (loudly) : I need everyone to stay calm and do exactly as I tell you. BARRY : And who the hell are you ? JACK : Torchwood. GERAINT : Gwen's Torchwood ? You mean you're real ?! Toshiko looks around the audience and finds the Woman in Black. Toshiko's gun is out. TOSHIKO : Jack ! There she is ! JACK (shouts) : Everybody down ! Jack cocks and raises his gun. The female Nostrovite stands and turns, her eyes red and sharp teeth bared. Everyone screams and runs to get out of the way. Jack and Toshiko fire. The female Nostrovite turns and jumps out through the window, shattering the glass and landing outside on the gravel. She runs out into the gardens. Jack jumps out of the window and chases after her. Toshiko follows. Geraint and Mary Cooper slowly get up. GERAINT : My God..! EXT. HOTEL - GARDENS - DAY - CONTINUOUS Jack and Toshiko run out through the other end of the gardens. They've lost sight of her. JACK : Damn, that thing's fast ! TOSHIKO : But it won't have gone far. JACK : Not without what it came for. Come on. They turn and head back. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - BRIDAL SUITE - DAY Owen takes the singularity scalpel out of his backpack and starts fiddling with it as Gwen freaks. GWEN : That ? The singularity scalpel ? That is your idea ? OWEN : Gwen, it's cool. Believe me, okay ? I've done a lot of work on it since the whole mayfly business. RHYS : What is it ? GWEN : Alien medical apparatus... so Owen thinks. The machine hums. RHYS : Thinks ? There's a knock at the door. Owen moves quickly, standing up and taking his gun out. He points it a the door. BRENDA (through door) : Rhys ? GWEN : That's his mother. That's Rhys's mother. BRENDA (through door) : Rhys, are you in there, Rhys ? Gwen picks up her bouquet and stands in front of the bed. Rhys goes to answer the door and Owen puts his gun away. He nods to Rhys. Everyone looks clam. OWEN : Okay. Rhys opens the door and lets Brenda in. RHYS : Hiya. BRENDA : There's... there's a monster, Rhys. That American and the Japanese girl, they went after it. Owen heads out. OWEN (to Rhys and Gwen) : Stay here. Rhys closes the door. Brenda turns and looks at Gwen. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Owen takes his gun out and starts through the hallway. OWEN (to comm) : Jack, everything okay ? INTERCUT WITH : EXT. HOTEL - GARDENS - DAY Jack and Toshiko are headed back to the building. JACK (to comm) : It got away Owen. How's the patient ? OWEN (from comm) : Rhys and his mum are with her. Toshiko looks around and sees Rhys's mum talking with Mary. TOSHIKO : Jack ! (Jack turns around). That's Rhys's mum, there ! JACK : Come on. Jack and Toshiko hurry. Owen turns around and heads back to the bridal suite. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - BRIDAL SUITE - DAY Gwen talks with Brenda as Rhys paces behind them. GWEN : This isn't Rhys's baby, Brenda. It's an alien. She moves her bouquet aside to indicate her belly. The door bursts open. Jack, Owen, Toshiko and Ianto step into the room with their guns on Brenda. JACK : Get back, you ugly bitch ! RHYS : What the hell do you think you're doing ? That's my mother ! JACK : No. It's the alien. BRENDA WILLIAMS : I'm not an alien ! JACK : Oh, you're good, I'll give you that. BRENDA : But I'm not ! JACK : Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn't have a thing with Tonto. GWEN : Jack, does the shape-shifter copy smell too ? OWEN : No, just physical. GWEN : Well, I'd recognize that bloody awful perfume anywhere. It's Brenda, Jack. It's... it's Brenda. Jack's jaw drops. He puts his gun down just as Rhys swings and hits him square in the jaw. JACK : Oh ! RHYS : That's for calling my mother an ugly bitch ! JACK (nursing his jaw) : Ah ! TOSHIKO : If that's Rhys's mum, then who's that outside ? Right. They turn and run outside. JACK : Oh ! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOTEL - GARDENS - DAY Ianto, Owen, Toshiko, Jack, Rhys and Gwen run out into the gardens. JACK : Move ! Everyone spreads out. OWEN : There she is ! Jack yells. The Nostrovite shrieks, her eyes turn red, teeth are blackened and sharp. Her hands turn into monstrous claws. Mary doesn't notice until the Nostrovite turns and grabs her by the neck. GWEN : Mum ! JACK : Don't shoot. Everyone stops. The Nostrovite has Mary in her claws. Gwen stands in the middle with Rhys, her bouquet clutched to her. Jack and the others have their guns on the Nostrovite. GWEN (quiet) : That's my mum, Jack... JACK : Halt ! GWEN : Mum. NOSTROVITE (AS BRENDA) : The bond between mother and child is a wonderful thing. GWEN : Let her go, okay ? NOSTROVITE (AS BRENDA) : Your mother for my child. JACK : No deal. NOSTROVITE (AS BRENDA) : You don't have a say. MARY COOPER : Don't listen to it, Gwen. GWEN : It's okay, Mum, I'll make sure you're safe. It won't kill you, you'll be okay. RHYS : You can't do this. GWEN : It's my Mum, Rhys. RHYS : Gwen, I can't... GWEN : Jack... JACK : Rhys ! Rhys steps away. Gwen, dressed in her white wedding dress and bouquet clutched in front of her, starts moving calmly toward the Nostrovite and Mary. GWEN (softly) : Okay, Mum... MARY (whimpers) : Gwen... GWEN :... you're going to be okay. It's okay, Mum. Sounds of a heartbeat grow louder and louder as Gwen moves in closer toward the Nostrovite. GWEN : Stay calm, still. NOSTROVITE (AS BRENDA) : Come to Momma ! The Nostrovite pushes Mary away from her and turns to bare her claws at Gwen. From under her bouquet, Gwen fires her automatic multiple times, hitting the Nostrovite square in the chest and pushing her backward. The Nostrovite screeches, turns and runs into the building. Owen and Jack run toward the building to make sure it's not lingering. Mary goes to Gwen. OWEN : That's the kind of daughter every mother must dream of. Cool as ice, packing an automatic. GUEST : Oh, my God ! Mary and Geraint hug Gwen. Jack and Owen head back to Gwen. GERAINT (to Jack) : Gwen told me about you, but I didn't believe her. JACK : It'll be back. Owen, get Gwen ready. I want that thing dealt with now. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY / BRIDAL SUITE - DAY Owen helps Gwen as they head back to the bridal suite. Rhys is behind them. OWEN : Listen, Gwen. I'll be with you in a minute. I need to talk to Rhys. GWEN : What about ? OWEN : Just something of nothing. Trust me. RHYS : What ? What ? Gwen heads back to the bridal suite as Owen pulls Rhys aside to talk with him. Owen puts his bag down and unzips it. OWEN : Listen, Rhys, the singularity scalpel, thing is, the last time I used it, I had two good mitts. Owen shows Rhys his bandaged hand. RHYS : So you're telling me, you can't operate ? OWEN : What I'm saying is that I know you'd be more happy that whoever had Gwen's life in their hands could... well, rely on both of them. Now I thought I could ask Jack, but... RHYS : No, no, no. Um, show me what to do. Owen puts the machine in Rhys's hands. OWEN : Right, it kinda works itself. Let's try this... Owen pulls Rhys aside to show and explain what to do. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - BRIDAL SUITE - DAY Gwen is standing in front of the mirror when the door opens. Jack walks in. He closes the door behind him. GWEN : Hello, Jack. Not quite the blushing bride, am I ? (He walks up to her and puts his hands on her shoulders). But... um... I'd given up on things going to plan a long time ago. NOSTROVITE (AS JACK) : If life always turned out the way we expected, what would be the point of living ? She takes his hand. GWEN : I didn't expect to meet someone like you. If I hadn't, I'd be married by now. NOSTROVITE (AS JACK) : You're not the only one who met somebody that knocked their world out of kilter. She turns and looks at him. GWEN : Rhys has always been there for me. Through all this madness, even when I haven't even deserved it. (He touches her lips and moves in close). He's not afraid to tell me he loves me. He leans in closer toward her. The hand holding her hand, turns into claws. Gwen looks at it. Jack's eyes are red and teeth are pointed and blackened. He shrieks. Gwen head-butts the Nostrovite and knocks it backward. She turns and grabs the candleholder on the table behind her. She swings as the Nostrovite starts toward her. The door opens. Rhys and Owen walk in. OWEN : Gwen ! Rhys picks up a chair and smashes it against the Nostrovite. OWEN : Get her out of here ! Rhys grabs Gwen and they both run out of the room. Owen fires multiple times at the Nostrovite. EXT. HOTEL - GARDENS - DAY Rhys and Gwen run across the gardens and away from the main building. They can hear the gunfire. Rhys helps Gwen down the steps. INT. HOTEL - BRIDAL SUITE - DAY Owen empties his clip into the Nostrovite. Finally the Nostrovite falls back onto the bed. It doesn't move. Owen moves in closer to check on it. Suddenly, the Nostrovite surges up and shrieks at Owen. It moves in very close to him. OWEN : Come on, then ! Do me a favor ! The Nostrovite looks at Owen for a long moment, then moves past him and out the room. EXT. HOTEL - GARDENS - DAY Rhys and Gwen are running down the steps. Gwen gasps. Rhys stops and turns back to help her. RHYS : Hey, you all right ? GWEN : I'm running around in a wedding dress with what feels like a keg of lager stuck up my skirt. What do you think, Rhys ? RHYS : Come on ! He helps her down the steps. INT. HOTEL - BRIDAL SUITE - DAY Jack enters the room with his gun out just as Owen changes clips and snaps it into his gun. JACK : Whoa ! Jack puts his gun down. Owen keeps his gun on Jack. Ianto and Toshiko enter the room. JACK : What happened ? (Owen pauses). Put it down, Owen. OWEN : It thought that I'd gone off. TOSHIKO : Where's Gwen and Rhys ? OWEN : They've done a runner. Listen, I emptied a clip into that thing, as did Gwen. But some mother instinct or something's making that cow unstoppable. Our guns don't work. JACK : Then I guess we're going to need a bigger gun. FLASH CUT TO : EXT. HOTEL - FRONT - DAY Jack and Ianto open the back of the SUV. They open two cases filled with big gun parts. Jack starts putting the big gun together. INT. HOTEL - BARN - DAY The door opens. Gwen and Rhys enter the barn. Gwen pants loudly. Rhys shuts the door and braces it closed with a piece of wood. Gwen falls onto the hay. GWEN : Rhys, I can't... I can't go any further ! The Nostrovite shrieks and pounds on the barn door. RHYS : It's here ! It's here ! GWEN : Ssh ! She's going to hear us ! RHYS : I don't think there's any point in keeping quiet, Gwen. Okay, lie down. She turns over to lie down in the hay. The Nostrovite shrieks. Rhys reaches for the pack with the singularity scalpel inside. He take sit out. GWEN : What the hell are you doing with that ? RHYS : Owen showed me how to use it. Gwen screams. Or was that the Nostrovite ? The Nostrovite outside pounds on the door. GWEN : Just do it ! Do it ! Rhys has the scalpel on and its seeking as he makes adjustments. GWEN : Do it ! She falls back. It powers up. The scalpel beeps : Locked. He fires. GWEN : Rhys ! And misses, hitting the counter off to the side and behind Gwen. She gasps. GWEN : Rhys ! The Nostrovite outside screams. RHYS : All right, all right. I've got it. I've got it now. He tries again and makes the adjustment. GWEN : I love you... I really love you, okay ? The scalpel powers up. Seeking. It beeps. Locked. There's a large egg on the viewscreen. The egg is zapped and disintegrates. Gwen gasps. GWEN : Oh ! There's a squishy sound and she surges upward. RHYS : Gwen ! Gwen ! Gwen falls back onto the hay. She's not moving and her eyes are open. Rhys leans over her. RHYS : Gwen ?! She moves. And they kiss. He moves aside and she checks her tummy. It's flat. The egg is gone. Outside the Nostrovite screeches and knocks the door open. She's shape-shifted into Brenda again. NOSTROVITE (AS BRENDA) : Get away from her, Rhys ! Let me have my young and I won't hurt you. Rhys moves away and grabs a handsaw. He powers it up. The motor revs. RHYS : You're too late ! It's gone ! (He advances toward the Nostrovite). And I have had a gutful of you ! (Angry). You get my girlfriend pregnant, you impersonate my mum and you ruin my wedding day ! Rhys raises the handsaw as he readies to strike. It sputters and dies. RHYS : f*ck ! NOSTROVITE : Rhys, you're a bad boy. And you know what bad boys get ? The Nostrovite explodes. Black Nostrovite guts splatter all over Rhys and Gwen. Jack is standing in the doorway carrying a big smoking gun. JACK : How's that for a shape shift ? He chuckles and heads toward them. GWEN : Jack ? Jack pauses and looks at Rhys. JACK : Hey, that whole "Evil Dead" thing looks pretty good on you, Rhys. Rhys pants, speechless. Jack heads over to Gwen and picks her up in his arms. JACK : Ah. You okay ? GWEN : Yeah. He carries her over to Rhys and puts her down next to him as Rhys watches. JACK : And... Jack takes Rhys's and Gwen's hands... and clasps them together. JACK :... the hero always gets the girl. Jack heads out. Gwen turns and looks at Rhys. GWEN : I am sorry. I've spoilt everything, haven't I ? Do you still want to marry me ? FADE IN FROM WHITE INT. HOTEL - CHAPEL AREA - DAY The wedding is in progress. GWEN : I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, ahem,... Gwen... (looks at her co-workers) Elizabeth... Cooper... REGISTRAR : Do take thee, Rhys Alun Williams, to be my lawful wedded husband. Gwen giggles. GWEN : Do take thee, Rhys Alun Williams, to be my lawful wedded husband. She puts the ring on his finger. GWEN : Come here. She grabs him and they kiss. The guests applaud. Gwen turns and looks at them. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL - BALLROOM - NIGHT The champagne cork pops. Banana Boat opens the bottle. BANANA BOAT : Whoa, hey ! "You Do Something to Me," by Paul Weller is playing. Gwen and Rhys are out on the floor dancing along with other couples. Owen walks up to Toshiko, who is sitting at the table with Jack. OWEN : Ah, you ready to see that dead man dance, Tosh? (He holds out his hand). Come on. He takes her hand and leads her to the dance floor. Jack is sitting alone at the table. LYRICS (song) : You do something to me Something deep inside. He watches Rhys and Gwen dance. RHYS : Happy, Mrs. Williams ? GWEN : Oh, yes. LYRICS (song) : I'm hanging on the wire For a love I'll never find... Jack stands up and heads for the dance floor. He puts a hand on Rhys' shoulder. JACK : Mind if I cut in ? RHYS : Why not ? I'm danced off my feet. I'm gonna find a beer. Rhys leaves Gwen to dance with Jack. LYRICS (song) : Something wonderful Then chase it all away Mixing my emotions... JACK : Enjoy the honeymoon. GWEN : I will. (He chuckles). What will you do while I'm gone ? JACK : Ooh, the usual. Pizza, Ianto... (They both laugh). ... save the world a couple of times. GWEN : Will you miss me ? JACK : Always. Rhys is a lucky man, a perfect husband. He's loyal... brave... he's got a hell of a swing on him ! (Chuckles). And best of all, he really loves you. GWEN : I know. Ianto interrupts them. IANTO : May I... erm... ? (clears throat) Ahem... Gwen and Jack step apart. GWEN : Yes. Gwen reaches for Ianto, who turns to face Jack. Gwen smiles, a little embarrassed, but steps away to leave them to dance. LYRICS (song) : ...Hanging on the wire, yeah... Said I'm waiting for the change. Jack and Ianto are dancing. Jack turns and glances over at Gwen, who goes to join Rhys. Jack goes back to dancing with Ianto. LYRICS (song) : ...I'm dancing through the fire just to catch a flame... And feel real again... Jack and Ianto are dancing on the floor with several other couples. Toshiko and Owen are standing at the door at the back of the room and aren't dancing. [SCENE_BREAK] The party has quieted down considerably. Everyone is sitting at the tables and not really moving. Ianto puts a glass of beer down in front of Rhys. IANTO : There you go. RHYS : Cheers, mate. Rhys looks at their parents sleeping and slouched on the head table. Mary is leaning on Brenda and both are sleeping quite peacefully. RHYS : You'd never think a couple of hours ago they all nearly got torn apart by some alien psycho-bitch. GWEN : It's all been a bit too much for my mum and Brenda. RHYS : I never thought I'd see that. "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell plays. Gwen looks around and pretty much notices that everyone has fallen asleep. Feedback sounds on the microphone as the deejay slumps over the player and falls asleep. The music stops. GWEN (amused) : Oookay, Jack, what's going on ? JACK : Strange thing, when you mix Level Six retcon with champagne... really makes the party go with a schwing, then you fall asleep. GWEN : You retconned our families ? Jack mock gasps and smiles. GWEN : It's probably for the best. I don't want my mum remembering what happened to her today. Rhys stares at Jack. Jack looks at Gwen. He pushes two filled champagne glasses toward them. JACK : Maybe the happy couple shouldn't either ? GWEN : No, thank you. There'll be no secrets in this marriage. Rhys smiles. OWEN : Time for bed, I think. RHYS : We'll see you after the honeymoon. Stay out of trouble. Rhys and Gwen stand up. Everyone gets to their feet. Gwen goes around the table and kisses everyone. She kisses Owen. She kisses Ianto. GWEN (to Ianto) : Thank you for the dress. It was beautiful. IANTO : Take care. GWEN : Bye-bye. Jack waves them good-bye. Gwen and Rhys leave. Toshiko sighs. TOSHIKO : Something tells me our bedtime is a long way off. JACK : That's right, guys, it's been a busy day, but we are not finished yet. We've got a lot to do. We've got a major mop-up operation. And I want your best work. Remember, it's Gwen's wedding. Everyone moves out to get to work. IANTO : That's what I love about Torchwood. By day you're chasing the scum of the universe. Come midnight, you're the Wedding Fairy. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CARDIFF CITY (STOCK) - EARLY MORNING INT. HUB Jack waits as the hub doors open. The alarm sounds. Jack enters the hub. He sighs and pauses inside the doorway. He pulls out his hand from his pocket and blows out a palm full of confetti. He watches the pieces of paper flutter to the floor and he smiles. Jack takes his jacket off as he bounds up the stairs, heading for his office. INT. HUB - JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jack opens the bottom desk drawer and pulls out a rusty old tin box. He puts it on the desk and opens it. He chuckles as he looks through some very old photos of himself in different previous lifetimes. He takes out a folded piece of paper, opens it and turns very serious as he looks at an old wedding photo. His wedding. He pauses and remembers.

Plan: A: An alien shapeshifter; Q: What does Gwen find in her bed the night before her wedding? A: Gwen; Q: Who is left carrying more than she bargained for? Summary: An alien shapeshifter leaves Gwen carrying more than she bargained for the night before her wedding.

Nurse: Relax, it's just a shot. Rutnam, Rutnam, take it easy. Just calm down. Hey, no one's gonna hurt you. No one's gonna hurt you. Okay, okay, okay, I'm cool. Okay. (grunting) Oh! (grunting) Guard: Hey! Be safe out the, okay? Thanks. Hey! What the hell? ♪ NCIS: LA 6x22 ♪ Original Air Date on April 27, 2015 [SCENE_BREAK] All right, this is it, this is the perfect kid. I found him. He is pretty cute. Sam, you see that? What's that, your first mug shot, Deeks? Oh, you mean 'cause he got styled by pillow hair and he's smirking? Actually, that does kind of look like me. Deeks has signed up for a mentoring program. Ah, that's commendable. Please. Yeah, I get to spend every weekend with him. Yeah, you could use the supervision. Listen to his likes: Surfing, fish tacos-- and wait for the trifecta-- the Three Stooges. And his dislikes are rules and socks. And now I'm gonna be a role model. I'm, like, start, you know, shaping his life. You're gonna shape his life? Yeah. So he'll be stuck in perpetual adolescence. No, you know, I think Deeks actually has a few things to teach this kid. Thank you. Really? Such as? Such as expanding his cultural horizons. Oh, yeah, what kid wouldn't want to play Grand Theft Auto V and pause reruns of Baywatch? (everyone laughing) You know what? You make fun all you want, but I'm stoked. And in all reality, this is like, uh, you know, it's like a precursor to being a father. Sam: What? Well, there's a start. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, guys. It's nice that you're trying to help. But it's one thing to talk about parenting-- actual parenting is a totally different thing. Kamran having some cell phone problems again? You will never know how hard it is to raise a child. What makes you think I've ruled out that possibility? What? Seriously? What? I'm still young enough. Joelle and I have got things back on track. Y-You know... You never know. (chuckles) Little lowercase Gs running around? Look, if you're gonna do it, take your time, start slow. Uh-huh. How so? Get a plant. If that lives, get a pet. One without a central nervous system, like a jellyfish. A jellyfish? A jellyfish. Uh, okay. (whistle blows) Eric: Guys. We have a case. Let's go. Now. Nell: With 63 confirmed kills, Gunnery Sergeant Connor Rutnam was one of the most talented and efficient Marine Corps snipers in Afghanistan and Iraq. He retired after his fourth tour and later began showing signs of psychological deterioration. PTSD. He's holding an M40A5. Used for long-range precision fire on targets in a concealed position. Often rooftops, targeting anything from enemy combatants to suicide bombers. Which could include women and children. Hetty: It became clear that Mr. Rutnam was struggling with adjusting to life at home. Until yesterday, he was receiving treatment at the VA. Eric: A nurse and an orderly were trying to restrain him when he overpowered them and escaped the facility. So we have a mentally unstable, highly-skilled sniper on the loose. With the presence of mind to steal the orderly's uniform and badge. Which makes him all the more dangerous. Anything specific set him off? Hetty: Not that we could tell. Mr. Hanna, Mr. Callen, talk to the people at the VA. See if they can shine any light on his condition, uh, or whereabouts. Let's do it. Okay. He also has a wife and 15-year-old daughter living in Beverlywood. Whom you and Ms. Blye are going to visit. Yes, ma'am. On it. Doctor: He was responding well to the course of treatment: meds, counseling-- both one-on-one and group. When did he start going south again? About two weeks ago. Did something trigger it? Not that we could tell. That's the paradox. When a patient's condition starts to worsen, the hardest thing is to get them to talk about it. Any person or place he wanted to see on the outside? Not that I'm aware of. He might have said something in his therapy sessions, but those are off the record. Callen: Well, I'm sure you realize the situation we're dealing with. I do. Connor is a trained sniper with serious emotional problems. Sam: In a city full of easy to access guns. I don't write the rules, gentlemen. I'm just trying to make the best of a lot of bad situations here. We understand. You might want to speak with Mike Takahamo. He was Connor's attending nurse when he escaped. Sorry, I just want to get these in the fridge. Take your time, please. Have you heard anything from your husband since he left the VA? Girl (in distance): Hey, Mom! Two cars outside! (door opens, closes) I haven't told our daughter yet. Deeks: I'm sure it must have been hard on you both when he was deployed. Then he comes home, and... It just didn't seem that bad at first. I mean, he wasn't himself, like he wasn't quite here, but that's... to be expected. But then he started acting strange. She actually means, like, straightjacket cray cray. Who are they? We work with your dad. Lady Marine. Must be exciting you can finally get married in California now. Lisa! What? Pretty scruffy for a jarhead. It's a new look. We're trying to recruit millennials. #scruffy. Whatever. You forgot to get Diet Coke. (sighs) I apologize. Kensi: Oh, no need to. We've all been 15 once. Still am. She's been through a lot recently, so we totally understand. She wasn't the easiest to deal with before he went overseas, and things just got worse when Connor got sick. Just attitude... staying out late and... You know, I can tell that she's upset, but she doesn't want to talk about it. The last time that we went to visit him in the hospital and she could see he was getting better, he hugged her. I don't think I'd seen her cry since she was ten. Well, he's only been gone a few hours, and we are using all of our resources to find him. Absolutely, and please, if he contacts you, let us know. Uh, we also need Connor's computer. I'll go get it. Thank you. This was his room. This is where he attacked you and the orderly? That's right. You want to talk us through it? I wrote it all in my report. You mind saving us a read? The Cliff Notes will be fine. Patient showed signs of confusion and hostility. We attempted to restrain and sedate him. Patient physically attacked the orderly and myself... end of story. Now, if you'll excuse me... Actually, we have a few more questions. I told you everything I know. What more do you want from me? You know, a better attitude, concern for a missing patient, that would be a good start. Yeah, well, I am concerned. Just as I am for the other patients that still that need attending. Okay? Okay. Wow. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the gurney. Stressful job. I'm sensing something more than stress. Insightful. Maybe we ought to put you to work here. Already am. Maybe you should do the same. Uh-huh. G. I think maybe we keep these under the mattress for now. Nell: So the e-mails we pulled off Connor's computer don't point to anyone in particular he'd run to. Deeks: What about his browsing history? Yes, there is a Web site he paid numerous visits to. He watched this video a dozen times before entering the hospital. (gunfire, people screaming) Kelsey: 1966. Charles Whitman. A former Marine Corps sharpshooter. Barricaded himself on the 28th floor observation deck of the University of Texas Tower with his Remington 700 Deer Rifle. (sighs) Wounded 26 students. Killed 15. Nell: We just discovered an out-of-service traffic cam on Nordhoff. Now, the lens is cracked and the view is limited. Making it unsuitable for the courts but helpful to us. Right. This is 15 minutes after Connor Rutnam attacked the nurse and orderly. Sam: Someone knew his plan. Can you zoom in any closer on that car? We tried-- it doesn't help. Eric: We can only make out that it's a Toyota Camry, mid-2000's most likely. What about that homeless guy? Mm, I'd say his cart's an Albertson's, possibly late-model Safeway. He'll be here all week, folks. Eric: He seems to be a regular on that street. This is the last four days. It's a long shot he's gonna be able to give us anything. His field of vision is wider than that camera. I don't know how focused his lens is. That cart looks like a BevMo! checkout. Eric: The car was waiting there a good ten, 15 minutes-- maybe he saw the driver. Well, it's worth a shot. Thanks. I understand there's been a turn of events in the Connor Rutnam case. Indeed there has. Mr. Callen and Mr. Hanna found a baggie of unidentified pills under his mattress. It's being analyzed right now. Well, I doubt the VA's dispensing meds in plastic bags. Do you think this could be the cause of Rutnam's latest troubles? It's possible. The question is, who gave them to him? Visitor? Member of the staff? I don't have to remind you of the tenuous political situation at the VA right now. Actually, I was thinking that we could use that to our advantage. It would be unlikely to arouse any suspicion if they received a visit from an oversight compliance officer. Who would naturally be granted access to all files and staff. I think Mr. Deeks cleans up rather well, don't you? Depends on one's standards, I suppose, but I get where you're going. What about on the visitor side? Ms. Blye's sniper background should make for a very believable patient. That's what concerns me. We're a long way from Afghanistan, Owen. I hope so. Man (on tv): In 1988, physicist Bob Lazar told friends he'd seen flying saucers when he was working on a top secret project (coughs) at Area 51. Hey. Hey. You just get here? Yeah. What branch? Marines. You? Rangers. Don't hold it against me. (chuckles) (TV show continues indistinctly) So how you doing? Living the dream, obviously. Mm. You looking for someone? Yeah. A guy I served with, I heard he, uh... he was here. Oh. What's his name? Rutnam. Connor Rutnam. You know him? Yeah. He's not here anymore. Got released? No. He went AWOL yesterday. Are you serious? Where'd he go? No idea. You a sniper like him? Female Engagement Team, yeah. Connor used to talk about it. Killing somebody from a distance... didn't feel real. Until... it did. Is that why you're here? I don't really want to talk about it. Sorry. Wonder why Connor left like that, huh? I don't know. He was doing fine, then he just started losing it over the past few weeks. Huh. PTSD. Think he told anybody where he was going? I don't know-- he had a couple of visitors. And there was this one guy he spent a lot of time with. Well, you should tell the staff his name. I... have no idea what it was. (man clears throat in distance) Nice talking to you. Oh, my G... Sorry, sorry. (quietly): Connor had several visitors. He was tight with one. Mm-hmm. Thank you. (sighs) Sorry. No, it's fine. Dr. rivers: We had a compliance meeting here three weeks ago. Everything checked out. Checked out? So you would consider the escape of a disturbed and dangerous patient as business as usual? 'Cause I would argue, Dr. Rivers, the only thing "checked out" here is your staff, who I will now be thoroughly "checking out"" We have nothing to hide here, Mr. Rogers. You will have complete and unfettered access to anyone you wish to speak with. I'm also gonna need files and records on everybody. Fine. I'll have all passwords and authorizations made available to you. I'm sorry, is there a problem, Doctor? You know what my problem is, Mr. Rogers? No, but I instinctually feel like you're going to tell me. 100 patients with mood disorders, post-traumatic stress disorders, substance abuse disorders, bipolar disorders, to name but a few. Not enough time, not enough money, not enough beds, not enough staff, and now, you. I'm sorry, Doctor, I'm just trying to do my job. Yes, you are. I'm also gonna need the visitors log. Lots of people are in love with the idea of having kids, but most have no idea what they're getting into. Did you and Michelle? I mean, we thought we did. Read books, we took classes... That help? Hell, no. (laughs) (Sam laughs) How you doing? Excuse me. Just want to ask you some questions. I'm gonna guess Desert Storm. during Freedom for me. We're looking for another vet. Took off from the hospital this morning. He bumped your cart. He might be in danger. Got into a car right over there. Gray Camry, '93. Paint on the hood oxidized. White scratches on the right front bumper, probably hit a wall. Replacement tires, Michelin knockoffs. You a mechanic? Six years. 12th Engineer Battalion. Didn't happen to get a plate, did you? Three, Delta, Hotel, India... (groans) You're doing great. Sam: What about the driver? You see the driver? Asian guy, like Pakistani or Indian. 30, maybe. Look, I got to go. Appreciate it. Hey, hey, hey. One sec, one sec, one sec. What the hell are you doing out here? You don't trust them, is that it? What do you think? They screwed up. It's not all bad. They helped me when I got back. You got skills, man. Any shop around here would be lucky to have you. You just got to get your act together. It's your choice. You all right? We send guys to war, expect them to step up. Then when they come back all broken, we step away. Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Rivers. Trouble in the neighborhood, Mr. Rogers? Who has access to the meds, the controlled pharmaceuticals? Myself. All of the doctors, some of the nurses. Nurse Takahamo? He does. Nurse Takahamo...? Nurse, no! [SCENE_BREAK] (indistinct conversation) Deeks: Hey! NCIS. (panting) The game is up. And just for the record, next time, never run. Deeks: Why'd you run? I like to keep in shape. Well, every federal prison has a running track. I'm sure you'll utilize that. We found unauthorized pills in Connor Rutnam's bed. We also found inventory discrepancies with the meds in lockup. Meds that you had access to. Lots of people have access. Deeks: You're absolutely right, which is why we looked at every single discrepancy to figure out which doctors and nurses were working. You were working every single time. You are the common denominator. What did you find under his bed? Is this how you want to play it? You going to search my place? No, we're gonna use the honor system. Deeks: You know Connor Rutnam was a sniper. You know he was one of the best in the service. Anyone he decides to put in his sights, you're gonna be accessory to murder. I didn't give Rutnam any unauthorized meds. So those pills from the lockup, they just magically evaporated? No. I... I took them. Kensi: Wow. Now we're just moving around in circles. I took them to sell, but not to patients. There'd be no point. Half of them are already getting oxy for free. Besides, the patients aren't allowed to have cash. So what you're saying is that you were dealing the pills you lifted on the street? I'm being honest here. That's gotta count for something. You're being honest because your ass is being nailed to the wall. Deeks: So explain to me how the pills got underneath the mattress? Anyone could have brought them in. We don't search visitors. Kensi: Well, Connor had several. There was one in particular that he spent more time with. Do you remember? Yeah. He started coming by the past few weeks. Connor started sliding soon after. You got a name? Mark. Mark Simmons. This is former Army Corporal Mark Simmons. He visited Connor Rutnam at the VA four times over the past three weeks. Did they cross paths in-country? Mmm, briefly, in Afghanistan. But records don't show any contact with Connor until the VA visits. But they do show a little something else. (clears throat) Eric: Simmons was discharged six months ago. And shortly after, he joined the PFA-- Protectors of a Free America. It was founded by Fred Kington, 1987. A right-wing extremist organization. Hiding behind the flag. They want to round up every Muslim and ship them out of the U.S. Someone with Connor's skills, be valuable to those guys in the worst way. Kensi: Especially if he's pumped up with drugs that make it easier to control and manipulate him. That would be scopolamine. Lab results came back from the pills you found under the mattress. Interrogation med. Nell: It's also known as the "zombie drug". Feed enough of it to someone and you own them. Well, Takahamo wasn't lying. There's no street market for that. Eric: Now, we tracked the car Connor got into from the description and the partial plate the homeless man gave you. Nell: It's registered to a Vamsi Patel. He's a driver for the "Let's Cruise" car service. Oddly enough, Connor's pickup wasn't on the company manifest. But... Mark Simmons' pickup was, just an hour before Connor was picked up. So the question is: where's the next pickup? Checking... Kensi: Mr. Patel. Bambi! What? And you must be DJ Kimchee. I got your text, man. I've heard your mixes, I'm a huge fan. All right, check this out: Your bachelor party is going to crush. Wow! Spider Woman theme. Brilliant. I'm not a stripper, man. Oh, no, no, no. Of course not. It's 2015. You, beautiful lady, are a burlesque entertainer. Empowerment, sister. I am woman, hear me roar, everything Beyoncé talked-- Okay, not a problem. You want to go with a little sexy cop kind of thing, I can work with that. I think I just have to go with... Okay, listen, I need you to take a chill pill, all right? Why don't you just take, like, ten chill pills? We're actual Federal agents. Wait, for reals? Oh, for reals, reals. You want to hire my ride for undercover? Law enforcement discount may be quite a lot... Ehp, ehp, ehp... What? We realize this is out of your territory, but we really need you listen right now. You made a pickup yesterday at the VA. An unauthorized pickup. Unauthorized? No, I was going to put down... Uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp...! Prior to that, you picked up Mark Simmons. That was on the books. Two questions: First, are those two connected? Now you can speak... briefly. Okay, uh... Simmons paid me 100 bucks to get his friend. He said this guy did not have an account. Second question: where'd you take him? Uh, the Valley. Uh, Chandler and Colfax. That's where the Protectors of a Free America headquarters are located. I'm gonna call Callen. Look. Ooh, look at this! You like that? It's a good color. How much? Well, for you, uh, 15% good cop discount. Okay? What is happening? Deeks: You heard the man. I get a 15% off... Both: ...good cop discount. Deeks: This thing is vintage. You can't find these online. You know who's gonna love it? My little brother. What can I do you for, fellas? Connor Rutnam. Man: Afraid I don't know who that is. Callen: What about Mark Simmons? Ah, you just missed him. Mm-hmm. Just missed him. Where'd he go? Well, let's see... I think it was the Latino Caucus. Ah, hell, what am I thinking? Today's Thursday-- he volunteers at the Gay and Lesbian Center. Oh, he's just getting in a few hate crimes before dinner? Well, you know what they say: one man's hate crime is another man's justice. Is that what they say? You think that badge puts a white hat on your heads? You're as much the enemy as Al Qaeda, far as we're concerned. Your "enemy" is trying to save a decorated war veteran. Sam: Or do you consider a Marine who tries to save your sorry ass the enemy, too? Man: It's been real nice chattin' with you. Where's your fearless leader, Fred Kington? Not here. Is he helping some hardworking immigrants fill out their green card applications? That would be illegal immigrants, technically speaking. Islam is the false religion of the 21st century! Islam causes poverty! Islam pollutes the honor of women! Islam destroys lives! Islam has got to go! Islam has got to go! (gunshot) (people screaming) Federal agents! Federal agents! Federal agent. Officer: LAPD! We got shots fired... (people shouting in panic) We need immediate backup! Repeat: immediate backup! Shot came from across the street. Sam: It's a sniper shot. The roof! Callen: Good. Federal agent! Fred Kington's in custody, on his way to the boatshed. Deeks: Guys in the SUV? Didn't get a look at their faces. And from their builds, it's possible one of them could have been Connor. Sam: Driver from the car service give you anything? He said Connor didn't say a word the whole trip. Seemed zoned out. That's the scopolamine. Kensi: Yeah. The shooter was up here, all right. See that disturbance in the dust right there, on the ledge? That would have been the shooter's elbow. Right here, these two marks-- that would have been his front foot and the second mark would've been his knee. Which means the shooter's left-handed. In the photos we saw in Ops, Connor was shooting right-handed. Exactly. So who took the shot? And why do they need Connor? Mr. Kington. For the record, my group does not advocate killing Muslims here in America, unless, of course, they are confirmed terrorists. Well, just for the record, your manifesto proposes the eradication of all Muslim presence on U.S. soil. Yes, by deporting them back to their homelands where they can practice Sharia law all they want and leave us in peace. 99.9% of them do leave us in peace. You keep telling yourself that, you're gonna be responsible for every tragedy that comes down in the name of Allah. You know, Thomas Jefferson himself preached a policy of isolationism. We keep sticking our nose in everybody else's business, this is what happens. Callen: But since you can't force the government to adopt your deportation plan, why not pop a few outside their places of worship, huh? Give them the idea that maybe moving here wasn't such a great idea. Mm-hmm. And why would I have someone assassinated at the very place we're protesting? It's a hell of an alibi. Callen: You, on the ground with your hands clean... minions doing your dirty work from a rooftop. I didn't see Mark Simmons on your protest line. I haven't seen Mark Simmons in days. But I do know one thing: he's a true patriot. Well, your "true patriot" is messing up Connor Rutnam's head with scopolamine. Making him susceptible to someone's influence. Say, the leader of an extremist group that could use his sniper skills to kill innocent Muslims. I've never heard of Connor Rutnam. And by the way, there's no such thing as an "innocent" Muslim. We confirmed Mark Simmons is left-handed. Though he doesn't have any sniper training, he did earn a marksman qualification during his time in the Army. We got an address? We do, but I don't think you'll find him there. From what we gleaned from his records, Simmons drives a PFA van. The traffic camera shows him pulling into this parking lot on 6th Street, downtown today. He's still there. What time did he enter the lot? An hour ago. Deeks: That gives him plenty of time to take the shot at the mosque and get down there. I'll call Callen and Sam. Deeks: Good work. Nell: Thanks. We got eyes on the van. Kensi (over radio): All right. Deeks (over radio): Now so do we. Callen: It's the white one, right there. Kensi: Yep, got it. Deeks: Any sign of Simmons? Not yet. Deeks: Listen, if we're gonna be here a while, there's a great little taco stand around the corner. Sam: It's a stakeout, not a picnic, Deeks. Dad: Come on, guys... Boy: Can we just go by 7-Eleven and get some? - No! Look at that cute little family. So, are Lori and Steve gonna be there? Stop it. Mom, make him stop. Boy (mimicking): Mom, make him stop. Why aren't the parents doing something? They are doing something-- they're ignoring them. You know, sometimes you got to roll with it. She hit me, Mom! Th-They're hitting each other. Seems like pretty lax parenting to me. I'm not here to judge. Sam: I have a theory. Oh, yeah? Let's hear it. It's called exhaustion. Mm-hmm. Callen: You so sure about that? Sam: Yeah, I'm so sure about that. I'll tell you what, we'll revisit the subject in a few years when all of you have a couple of kids each. Mm-hmm. That's if you haven't put them up for adoption already. (chuckles) Kensi: Head's up, guys. Simmons is on the move. Mark Simmons... Federal agents. Kensi: Stop! Callen: Didn't take cover behind the Dumpster very long. He just came out firing. Like he wanted us to shoot him. Suicide by cop? Why hide behind the Dumpster at all? Deeks: Maybe he was hoping it would buy him enough time to pick one of us off. Then he would have fired from behind the Dumpster. Doesn't make any sense. Got a wallet, keys, a little cash. No cell phone? No. Eric: Simmons' call history connects him to a Karim Mubar, a known Al-Qaeda sympathizer here in Los Angeles. What is a card-carrying member of the PFA doing with an operative from Al-Qaeda? Well, we have something that might help. Security cam footage of the mosque shooting. Keep an eye on the young man just before he's shot. He said something. Play that back slowly. Now zoom in. (no voice) Kens? "Allahu Akbar." Means "God is great." It's a beautiful phrase. Most suicide bombers say it before they blow themselves up. He knew Simmons was gonna kill him. Why? My guess is to make it look like PFA is killing innocent Muslims, stir up anti-American sentiment. Simmons was working with Al-Qaeda. They used him to get to Connor, feed him the meds. So the PFA membership was a ruse. Anybody got onto him, the trail leads back to the PFA. Deeks: So both Simmons and the young Muslim sacrificed themselves for the cause. Unfortunately, that still leaves Mr. Rutnam in Al-Qaeda's sway. Must be saving him for something big. Maybe a high-ranking member of the Muslim community? Do we have anything that puts Simmons and Mubar in a common location recently? Yes, credit card records put them at a cafe downtown half a dozen times in the past couple weeks. Any mosques near that cafe? No, but the Cantara Cultural Center is just two blocks west. And Amare Hassan is scheduled to speak at a religious unity conference later today. Hassan is a very well-respected and popular Mullah. He speaks out against extremists. His assassination would light a huge fire in the Islamic community. It's a perfect target. Event like that is gonna have some serious security. Which makes Connor Rutnam the perfect assassin. Pilot: Eagle One on site, beginning rooftop search. Control: Copy, Eagle One. Kensi, Deeks, you in position? Just got set up. Deeks: I got the podium in my sights. Which means if Connor's out there, he does, too. Hetty, have you been in touch with the event coordinators? Yes, and unfortunately Mr. Hassan refuses to cancel his address. He feels it would signal an act of cowardice. And that means it's on us. Deeks! Anything on the surrounding rooftops? I got nothing, yet. Connor's field of fire has a number of distant buildings he can make the shot from. How you doing behind that scope, Kensi? I'm good. Deeks: Copy that, she's good. Eagle One, anything? Pilot: Negative contact. Over. We've got our eyes on every distant building out there. Maybe that's the problem. Whoever set this up wanted the insurance that his long-distance sniper didn't be spotted. Put him in a closer building. Yep. Granger (over radio): Eagle One, let's change it up. Begin checking the immediate area. Pilot: Copy that. I got movement. Granger: Sitrep, Agent Blye. I got Connor plus two, under the tarp at one o'clock. I got 'em. What's the location? Uh, distance and bearing from Kensi's scope data puts us at... 605 West Olympic Boulevard, northeast corner. We're one block out. Granger: Agent Blye, if Connor lines up a shot, you take him out. Kensi: Copy that. (tires screech) Kensi, we're here. Connor in position, yet? Almost... Granger: Kensi, we can't take any chances. Kens. Hold off! We're almost there! Kens, you good? I'm fine. Granger: Agent Blye, you're not gonna get another opportunity. This isn't his fault! Just give us a chance! Granger: We have to stop him. All right, Sam and Callen are on the roof. Take the shot, Agent Blye. Kensi, take the shot now. Sam, I'm sorry. Federal agents! Get back! Stay down, Gunny. That's a hell of a shot, partner. (gasping quietly) Yeah. Hands on your head. Okay, don't move, Gunny. Get up. Get up. Get up. All right. Stay still, Gunny. Okay, give me your hand. It's gonna be okay, all right? It's gonna be okay. Hetty: I just got word that Mr. Hanna has safely returned Mr. Rutnam to the VA hospital. His wife and daughter are going to join him shortly. Well, that is great. Sam: Ah... He's out there. He's waiting for you. Thank you so much. [SCENE_BREAK] (computer chimes) Oh, I got a message from the mentoring site. I cannot wait to have my first meeting with... ...Byron?! Callen: "Dear Mr. Deeks. Due to a scheduling conflict, we've reassigned your case. Your new Little Brother is... Byron... Chester" Kensi: "Byron's interests include three-dimensional chess, advanced calculus and... (laughs) German opera" N-No, German... Uh, what happened to-to fish tacos and-and surfing and the Three Stooges and the floppy hair that this is...? Mr. Deeks. Yeah. This is gonna be good practice. You can have all the expectations you want when you have children, but you can never predict who you're going to end up with. Callen: I think Byron's gonna be great. Plus you never know when a working knowledge of The Magic Flute is gonna come in handy. That's a German opera reference. I don't get that because I don't know a German opera. Bravo, Mr. Deeks. Bravo. Bravo.

Plan: A: The team; Q: Who searches for a former Marine? A: a former Marine and expert sniper; Q: What is the team searching for? A: a veterans hospital; Q: Where did the sniper escape from? A: the case; Q: What reminds Kensi of her past as a sniper? Summary: The team searches for a former Marine and expert sniper who escaped a veterans hospital when they discover his connection to the leader of an extremist group. Also, the case reminds Kensi of her past as a sniper.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Increase: I will find Mercy Lewis with or without your help. [Women screaming] Anne: Are you saying that I am... Mr. Hale: A witch. Increase: Tomorrow I shall bring John Alden's case before the board. Cotton: He is innocent. And you know it. Selectman: By order of Increase Mather, I place you under arrest. Cotton: I've decided to defend Captain Alden. Increase: To defend? [Insects chirping] [Owl hoots] Mercy: Let the little children come unto me, for the kingdom of the Devil belongs to them. Come. Sit here, poor boy. Poor, sweet boy, worked to death by your family. Every day of your life, making you unfit for burial in the churchyard, so they dumped you here. [Voice breaking] Alice. Died in child birth, pregnant from your mother's brother. There. There, the baby. Smothered to hide the evidence. Let mother and child be together. I am your mother now. All of you! And you all are my children. My father, the good Reverend Lewis, said that there is no purgatory, no place for souls lost between heaven and hell. But he was wrong. Earth is purgatory. We are the ghosts that haunt this land. Mary: No, Mercy. You are very much alive. Perhaps more alive than any of us. Yet you have hidden yourself like a ghost. Increase searches everywhere for you. He will never look here. Mercy: But my girls. What of my poor girls? Mary: He has four of them. But do not fear for them or yourself. Soon our grand rite will cleanse this land of the evil men do and the men who do it, like the great flood of biblical times, making way for our new world. And rest assured, Mercy -- you, your girls, and all your children shall have a place there. Mercy: [Panting] Oh, thank you. [Sobs] But tell me -- tell me so I may reassure them in their fear. What is it? What is coming? Mary: Death. ["Cupid Carries a Gun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Indistinct conversations] Cotton: [Thinking] 'Tis an ancient proverbial truth that it requires but one dead apple to rot an entire barrel. And I come to believe it requires but one apple to make this whole land equally rotten. And not just any apple, but the malum. The icon of the apple runs through almost every image we have of the grand rite. The grand rite brings about death, death on a mass scale. We know little of its operation, nor the -- the mechanism of magic that unleashes the -- the death that follows. Only this one enigmatically simple sentence -- "malum est aperta." "The evil begins." But I have been misreading it all these years. We all have, my father included. "Malum" means "evil," but equally "apple." And I know believe the sentence to read, "the apple opens," and, by implication, unleashes the death that results. I believe I have seen that apple, or the box that contains it... In the house of John Alden. [Knock on door] Yes? Anne: Reverend Mather? I know it is late. Cotton: What are you doing out? Anne: I'm sorry. I didn't know who else to turn to. You are the only one who can help me. Cotton: Well, then you did the right thing by coming. Uh...How may I help you, and -- and with what? Anne: Do you think it's possible to be a witch and not even know it? Cotton: Um... I-I think one would know if one had...Deeded one's soul to Satan. Anne: But what if someone deeded it for you? Cotton: I can assure you, Miss Hale -- Anne: No. I want more than your assurance. I want... I want you to examine me now... For the mark of the Devil. Then, you may assure me. [Exhales deeply] [Breathing quickens] Cotton: I feel no sign of Satan. You seem, to me, in every respect, unmolested by the Devil. I assure you, Miss Hale, if you were a witch, you would know it. [Clanking] [Clanking continues] [Clanking stops] Increase: Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for... I wonder who will be first. Who will it be? Emily: What do you mean? Increase: Whoever will speak will not burn. Simple. Close in here this evening, no? Think I'll take some air. While I'm gone, consider... Which of you will be the first to confess what the witch John Alden did to you. Woman: Aah! [Door opens, closes] Emily: Mercy, thank God. We cannot hold on. He is going to make us turn. Elizabeth: But you have come to save us? Mercy: No, it doesn't work that way. You're not ready to travel as I do. But remember, we still serve the queen of the night, and she has not forgotten you any more than I have, and there will be a day where she will save you. I promise. But for now, you must give that old goat what he wants. Emily: I'm terribly afraid it's us he's going to serve up. Mercy: This is surely part of her design. Her web is greater than all of ours, and she has a vision, a vision of what this land could be. So do as Reverend Mather asks and speak against John Alden at the trial. Ancient witches: Malum aperta. Mary: But why John Alden? But he is innocent. It matters to me. Ancient witch: Mary, listen to me. To free him would reveal what you are to him. Ancient witch #2: You think he could love you then? Ancient witch: Do not lose his love. Use it for all of us. That is the sacrifice. Increase: In all of the literature on witchcraft, on malice, malum is "evil." So you tell me why, in this particular case, should it signify "apple"? Cotton: I have reason to believe the malum referred to here is an actual object, and that object is here in Salem awaiting use against us. Increase: Well, it's an interesting theorem, but...It fails the most basic tenet of rational thinking. Tell me -- the shortest distance between two points is...? -Cotton: A line. -Increase: Correct. And often, the simplest explanation is the correct explanation. Cotton: I'm only trying to stop the grand rite. Increase: Stop the grand rite? You? [Chuckles] Oh, my, the arrogance of youth. Would you even know how to stop it? And at what cost? Or would you like to hear from one who actually has stopped it and has paid the cost? Cotton: You? I never knew. Increase: Many years ago. In Marburg. You were still just a-a baby. The German witches, oh, far bolder than even the Essex witches. They attempted the grand rite. Within the space of a month, a dozen children disappeared. Their bodies were found bled dry. Their innocent blood soaked the ground. And as the full moon approached, more children disappeared, and I knew the grand rite was nearing its completion. So while others searched for the children, I hunted the witch. And I found him. He had taken the appearance of a 6-year-old girl, but I knew this was no girl. It was him. And I strangled her with my bare hands. And as the life left that body, the Devil reached out and snatched the body, but I held on. I was determined that he should not return to his home in hell. And my hands were plunged into the boiling black tar. Cotton: Hellfire. Increase: These hands have actually touched hell. And they burn me still. Cotton: But the grand rite was averted? Increase: There really is only one way to stop the grand rite. One must kill the witch that began it before the moonrise that ends it. In this case kill John Alden. [Townspeople shouting] It's no secret that John Alden has a cold and a willful hatred for us, for everything we believe and for our puritan community of saints. And so, it was that a young John Alden severed himself from Salem and, rootless, faithless, and loveless, cast himself into the crucible of war, where he was captured by the heathen Indians. And that seed of evil within, already a hard and vicious knot, found fertile ground in which to flourish. And the savage servants of the angry, eldritch gods, they saw in Alden a gift from Satan, a powerful and vicious weapon to be used in their hopeless war against us. And so, because of his hatred for us and his hatred for one he felt had betrayed him, a powerful and a vicious weapon he became. Cotton: Sir, this is pure fancy, bald conjecture. You have no idea what may or may not have happened to Captain Alden while fighting for all our lives against the Indians or when he was held their captive. Increase: Well, then, let him speak. Let Alden tell us here and now exactly what transpired during that long period of time when you were lost amongst the savages. Speak, man. Speak! No? All those years, what could he have been doing? I will tell you. Like Satan in the book of Job, he was walking to and fro upon the earth mastering the tools of malice, learning the dark art of sending demonic familiars to do his bidding at a distance. You will observe, here, upon his neck... [Spectators murmur] An iron-hard, raised lump with a hole, and it was here where he suckles his familiars. John: [Chuckles] [Spectators gasp] Increase: You will not laugh again. I'm sure you have laughed many times to think how, beneath the very nose of a devoted young wife, you turned our leader, a once robust George Sibley, into a suffering heap that he is today. And after you had undermined the pillar of our community, you unleashed a campaign of terror. It was Alden who projected that specter of dread, the night hag, to terrorize Mercy Lewis. And you will ask, "why? Why Mercy Lewis?" Well, perhaps it was because her father, the good Reverend Lewis, married Alden's bitterly lost love to a hated rival, or perhaps it was just to show that no one in Salem is safe, not even the daughter of a blessed Reverend. Cotton! You attended Mercy Lewis. You had no doubt as to what ailed her. Cotton: She was indeed under spectral attack, but Captain Alden -- Increase: Captain Alden -- what did he say when he witnessed such an attack? Cotton: He cast some doubt upon it. Increase: Some doubt! I am told... He said it was... "Bullshit." [Spectators murmur] And he said that prayers were worthless. Prayer? Worthless? [Scoffs] Ask yourselves -- every time we have attempted to catch and stop a witch, who has risen up to defend them? Who alone among us, in encounter, time after time, with witches has emerged with nary a scratch upon him? Whose name was on Giles Corey's lips as he died? Who has proclaimed that he will see every man here in his grave? And who stood up to defend Bridget Bishop even in the very sight of the monstrosity she had created? I swear to you this man condemns himself every time he opens his mouth. And like Satan in the garden of eden, John Alden understands that women are the open doorway through which evil enters to poison us all. How many women, young and old, good and bad, has Alden bewitched? It has been seen that John Alden attempted to seduce even the highest women in the land. Mary Sibley. Did not the accused forcibly enter your house, nay, into your very boudoir, in the dead of night? Mary: Would I allow such a thing? Increase: I do not know. But your servant man has testified that Alden did indeed forcibly make entry in the night. Mary: He came to discuss politics. -Increase: Politics? -Mary: Indeed. To announce his intention to take his father's seat on the select board. Increase: In the middle of the night? Miss Hale. The accused was seen kissing you forcibly in public. There is no blame attached to you. You are a -- a slight and defenseless slip of a girl. But do you deny it? Anne: He did. [Spectators gasp] Increase: He did. A snake in the grass is what John Alden was and what John Alden is. And when he was not attempting to seduce his betters, he was satiating his own inhuman lusts in roomfuls of whores in the brothel run by his very own witches. [Spectators murmuring] And, worst of all, I think, the tender, young maidens of Salem, so eager to fall prey to his serpentine ways. Emily: Mercy told us it was -- it was John Alden who came I-in the shadows in the night, that he -- he kissed and licked and bit every part of her. But he bewitched her so she might not name his name but she might blame all on the hag. He took her in the night in spectral form and gave her body and soul to the Devil himself. [Spectators gasp, murmur] And she -- she drew us in after that w-with magical tricks a-and games. And, soon, we were dancing in the woods with him, where we touched each other and, one after the other, laid with him. Cotton: Really? All of you? Are you saying, Emily... That you are not a maiden? If I were to examine you, have one of the women here examine you... They would find that you are not intact? Emily: He -- he has tongue and fingers and invisible instruments of -- of pleasure. Cotton: Ah. Emily: But I-I had my eyes closed. I don't know what he did. Cotton: These are phantasms, fabrications of the mind. And who here among us has not had, even involuntarily, some heated thoughts? This girl has been overwhelmed by them. Especially in the face of extreme torture by my own father. Put to the rack, threatened with death, even an innocent girl might think herself a witch, and any man around her a Devil. [Spectators murmur] I submit to you that everything you have seen here today is the result of torture worthy of the inquisition! Who is it who has really violated women? John Alden? Or one who possesses... And uses... Tools such as this?! [Spectators gasp] Increase: How dare you? Cotton: No, sir! How dare you?! [Spectators clamoring] Increase: This session is suspended for the day! We will resume in the morning when tempers have cooled. John: The whole town wants to hang me like I'm some kind of monster, like I possess some dark, magic power. Cotton: And you do. John: Oh, not you, too. Cotton: No. Don't believe you're a witch. But I do believe you possess something of dark, magic power. Where is the malum? John: What? Cotton: The box. The box you found that lured that infernal witch to your house. John: Why? Cotton: I believe it is the fabled malum, the key to the grand rite. John: This more of your book nonsense? Cotton: That box covered in images -- I believe it is the greatest weapon of the witches, that it contains some kind of supernatural agent of destruction which will open when the grand rite is completed, releasing its doom upon us like... Like the myth of Pandora. John: Look, if that thing is what you say it is, and your father knows that I have it, that is the final nail in my coffin. Cotton: And what if it's the only chance we have? John: Giles has it. Cotton: Giles? Giles Corey is dead. John: And I buried it in his grave. Cotton: [Inhales deeply] [Coughing] Increase: [Grunts] You know what to do with it? Cotton: Father, I must speak to you. Increase: What now? More disrespect? Cotton: No. Sir. I still think what you do is fundamentally wrong, that there must be other ways, but... I am afraid. Deathly afraid. I fear, while we disagree on methods, we are both determined to stop the grand rite. Increase: Well... I'm gratified that you at least acknowledge that. Cotton: The malum is here. Or was. I saw it. I touched it, even. Increase: Indeed? Then where is it? Cotton: I don't know. Increase: Well... Tell me where you saw it. Cotton: In John Alden's house. Father, you don't understand. He was helping me. It was he who trapped the witch and carried her with me to the woods to question and kill her. Increase: You don't understand. In some respects, the witches are not unlike us. They have factions. They have power struggles. Your friend Alden was not trying to catch a witch. He was eliminating a rival. You are blinded by your own doubt, and it will destroy you! If I grant you that there is a possibility that Alden is innocent, can you not grant the possibility that there is a 1 in 10, nay, a 1 in 100 chance that I am right?! And if I am, thousands will perish. The nation itself may fall. Can we take that chance? I cannot. Can you? I tell you, Cotton, you do not know this man nearly as well as you think you do. Cotton: I searched Giles Corey's grave. The malum wasn't there. John: That's impossible. I buried it myself. Cotton: Who else knew? John: No one. Just you. And you don't believe me. Cotton: I'm not sure what to believe. I am certain only of two things. All our lives may depend on finding and destroying the malum. John: And? Cotton: And you are being less than honest with me. John: I've told you everything. [SCENE_BREAK] [Townspeople shouting] John: What the hell is going on?! Selectman: Get up. Woman: [Sobbing] John: Those girls are innocent! Emily: No! [Screams] Forgive me! It's the only thing I regret -- lying about you! John: Look, I know what they did to you. It's not your fault. Selectman: Get over here! Emily: [Sobs] John: Damn you! Do something! They're just girls! [Girls sobbing] [Townspeople shouting] Emily: You! You promised you'd spare us! Increase: I am sparing you the flames of this world and of the next. You will not suffer long. A full measure of Mercy is being added to your legs. Cotton: Let go of me! Father, you lied! You promised these girls they wouldn't -- Increase: Burn. Nor shall they. Cotton: Don't do this, father. How can this possibly help? You said yourself they were victims! Increase: Sad but true. But they're tainted... By the Devil. I fear they carry his very seed. Cotton: How can you be certain? Increase: I am certain. I am certain of the threat they pose to Salem, just as I am certain that your weakness poses a threat. But above all, I am certain that, like a surgeon, I have no choice but to cut out the malignant manifestation of malice before it can spread any further. Cotton: No! Stop! Emily: Please help me! Please! Please! Selectman: Get back! [Girls gasp] Woman: Burn in hell! Let them burn! [Townspeople shouting] John: [Gasps] Dollie: [Sobs] Mercy! Where are you?! Mercy! Mercy: What is it? Dollie, what has happened? Dollie: Emily, Elizabeth, Susanna, and Charity -- Increase Mather has hung them all. You swore that they would be safe, but they're dead! All of them have been killed! You said your master would protect us, and she did nothing! [Sobs] Mercy: Go back to Salem. Gather the young, the poor, the suffering. They will be our army. A new day is upon us. And that new day demands a new queen of the night! [Church bell tolls] Increase: I know that so many of you find it hard to accept, impossible to believe that John Alden, son of one of our founders and a brave soldier in our defense, is guilty of malefic witchcraft. Fine. Fine! Suspend your belief or not. It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that Alden...Be convicted and sentenced for what he truly is, a traitor and a murderer. Cotton: What? Whatever do you mean? Increase: I submit that while John Alden was with the Indians, he not only took up with them. He took up arms against his own people, slaughtering militiamen in his own company, good new england men, every one of them. I swear this to be true. And I dare John Alden to deny it! I dare you to tell me that you did not paint your face as a heathen Indian and smash the skulls of men in your own company! Cotton: Outrageous accusations! Wherever did you find such nonsense? Increase: I have sworn testimony from the slave Tituba! Cotton: Aha! Lies and fantasies. Increase: Lies? Captain? Fantasies? Do you dispute the charges? Speak. Cotton: Captain...Is this all true? John: Every sane man in this place knows I ain't a witch. Increase: Are you a traitor? Are you a murderer? Cotton: Damn you, John. Answer him. Increase: So, you see... Sometimes, silence can be the most eloquent confession of all. I have no doubt, not a sliver of a doubt, that John Alden is a witch. But...Even had I not... I would still maintain that he must hang for crimes he will not deny. And nor should you. Cotton: For God's sake, tell me my father is wrong. Tell me you are not the man he says you are. John: What does it matter now? Cotton: It matters to me -- whether you duped me all this time. John: Are you sure you want the truth? Are you really damn sure you know the difference between good and evil? 'Cause you puritans, you think the world is just black and white. What if the truth of the world is that it's nothing but gray? After the battle of the great swamp, I was left for dead. But I was found by the mohawk -- not the Indians we fought, no. The mohawk aren't our friends, but they are the enemies of the Abenaki we fight. In all honesty, I... I don't think I'll ever understand why they saved me. It is a mystery to me to this day. The scar your old man found he said was from feeding a familiar? That was from digging a ball of lead out of me and healing it with their medicines. Cotton: They held you for ransom? John: No. They treated me with kindness and respect. And their holy men took an interest in me. I'm not even sure why or what he saw in me, but if he hadn't... I'd be dead. So I lived amongst them. I shared their food and their shelter. I even hunted with them. One day, me and a few braves returned from a hunt to find the village had been burned to the ground. The women and the children, they're all scattered like dead, fallen leaves, slaughtered. Cotton: By the Abenaki? John: No. Militia. Our militia. Couldn't even be bothered to tell one Indian tribe from another. A red fog descended upon me, and it did not lift until I ran through those woods and killed every one of those bastards, everyone but one. And that I corrected the night I found the box. Cotton: And the malum? John: I didn't know nothing about that. You said it was something that the witches wanted badly. When we lost that witch in the woods, I thought it was best to hide it, so, like I told you, I buried it with Giles. Cotton: Well, then someone unburied it. John: Maybe you have nothing to worry about, then, because according to your father, I am the witch behind it. So, all you have to do is hang me, and then everything will be just fine. Cotton: What I can't figure out, what I am trying to surmise, is, after all of this, after everything we've been through -- you needed a friend or a pawn? Mary: [Sniffles, sighs] Isaac: Weeping don't help. Trust me. Done my fair share. Mary: [Gasps] Isaac. God, you're still bleeding. Isaac: Around here, who ain't? Mary: [Sobbing] What have I done? Isaac: I know none of this is your fault, and all of it's mine. He was on his way out of town that day. I stopped him. If it weren't for me, he'd be long gone. None of this would have happened. I might as well pull the rope myself in the morning. I've as good as killed John Alden. But you... You can save him. Mary: I can't. I can't! Isaac: You're Mary. You're Mary. They all call you Mary Sibley. Do you know what I call you in my head, to myself, in my heart? "Magic Mary." You were always magic, even back when we was just sprouts. And you could do anything -- always could. You just have to want it bad enough. And you do. Don't you? You do want John Alden to live. John: How did you get in here? Mary: They will hang you tomorrow. John: "They"? Well, aren't you one of them, Mrs. Sibley? Mary: Sometimes, I no longer remember who I am. But I know who you are -- an innocent man. John: [Chuckles] Hardly. Now it's almost funny. Salem finally sentenced someone to die for something they've actually done. Go home, Mary. Go back to your life, Mrs. Sibley. Mary: You are my life. John: Well, it's a little late for that thought. Mary: I'll not let you hang. I can save you. John: The good people of Salem, the people I've been trying to save, they all want me dead. They think I'm the Devil himself. I'm no Devil. But I am guilty of treason... And murder. And I'm ready to hang for it. Besides... I'm awfully tired. Tired of living without you. Mary: There's still a way for us to be together. John: It's over. What's wrong with you? Have you gone mad like everyone else in this town? Mary: John, I promise you -- John: No, don't. Neither of us is very good with promises, so no more vows. Mary: Listen to me. John: I am listening to you, and you aren't making any sense. Look around you. These are stone walls. [Scoffs] [Gate rattles] Barred windows, an iron door. Right above us, a thick rope awaiting my neck. Those are the stubborn facts. And all the love in the world can't change a single one of them. Mary: You're wrong. Love is stronger than fact, stronger than everything. But I tell you, John, there is still a place for us in this world. John: Only in dreams. Mary: All right, then. One last time... Dream with me.

Plan: A: Cotton; Q: Who is John Alden's defense? A: the ordeal; Q: What brings secrets to light? A: a few unexpected secrets; Q: What does the trial bring to light? A: a difficult decision; Q: What is Mary ultimately faced with? Summary: The trial of John Alden is held, with Increase as his prosecutor and Cotton as his defense. However, the ordeal brings a few unexpected secrets to light, and Mary is ultimately faced with a difficult decision.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] DOCTOR: Clay, you have what's called a dissociative fugue disorder. You temporarily become someone else. CLAY: Why is there a kid here? DOCTOR: He lost his parents. He stays with us sometimes. We try to help him. CLAY: I'm Clay. LOGAN: Logan. CHUCK: I just fell off that stupid bike you gave me, that's all. CHASE: Well, let me see. Does your mom know about this? CHUCK: No. And you can't tell her, okay? WOMAN: Okay, it looks like Natan Scott was on flight 2326 last night. XAVIER: I just want to go about my business and live my life. I'm sorry for what I done to you. NATHAN: How's that for a comeback, huh? DIMITRI: Good news. We've reached new financial agreement. So they send more money...and then you die. STREET Dan wait someone and when he gets out, Dan fights him. SOUND STAGE Dan is back, Julian talks to him. JULIAN: I know what that guy will feel like in the morning. Who was he? DAN: A lead. JULIAN: And? DAN: We'll see. JULIAN: So, what now? DAN: Now I go back to prison. KAREN'S CAFE Brooke takes a sign which says it looks at someone to work. XAVIER: Can I please have an application? BROOKE: Sure, of course... XAVIER: They say I need a job now I'm on parole. I guess they didn't find your little speech as moving as I did. So, what do you say? I'll be the best employee ever. BROOKE: That position has been filled. XAVIER: I just watched you put up that sign. BROOKE: Well, now you can watch me take it down. XAVIER: Have a nice day. FLASHBACK, XAVIER'S HOUSE Brooke walks away. XAVIER: Have a nice day. HOSPITAL CENTRE Clay and Logan do flying the plane. LOGAN: More power. CLAY: But I don't want to crash it. LOGAN: Don't worry. We could just fix it. CLAY: You sure? LOGAN: Come on. You have to try at least, or else you'll never do it. CLAY: All right. Okay, you were right. This is much cooler than keeping it on the shelf. LOGAN: Try a cobra. CLAY: Coming right up. LOGAN: Yeah! (The plane crashes) CLAY: No. LOGAN: That... was... awesome! CLAY: That was pretty awesome. Wait up. STREET IN TREE HILL Skills walks in the street and sees Lauren to gets out her car. He looks she is pregnant. SKILLS: Miss Lauren. Damn, you look good, girl. Damn, you look good, girl. Oh, damn. RED BEDROOM RECORDS Chris plays guitar a little. Chase is with him. CHRIS: Dude, shouldn't you be, uh, like, prepping tric or something right now? CHASE: Nope. Last night was my last shift. CHRIS: Wait, today's the day? CHASE: Today is the day. CHRIS: You know what this means, right? Oh, man. CHASE: No. No strip club today. I literally have to report for duty tonight, and I haven't even packed. CHRIS: Dude, are you scared? 'Cause I'm not gonna lie. If it was Chris Keller, I'd be in Canada right "aboot" now, eh? CHASE: That's why Chris Keller didn't enlist in the air force. CHRIS: Yeah, that's one of several reasons, the biggest being no access to fine tail. Ooh. Are there gonna be girls in your clan or troop or whatever you call it? CHASE: I-I don't know. Maybe. CHRIS: Ooh, what if it's your lieutenant or your, um, commander-in-chief or something? Dude, what if she's super hot? Oh, bro, we need a game plan... CHASE: Dude! Stop. CHRIS: All right. All right. I'll keep this little fantasy to myself. What's wrong, man? You are worried, aren't you? CHASE: I'm not worried about going overseas. I'm just worried about Chuck. I wish I didn't have to leave right now. CHRIS: Dude, don't worry about kid Keller, man. He's gonna be cool. CHASE: I don't know, man. He was just so weird last night...Lying about his dad and his bruises. CHRIS: Whoa, dude. Careful of jumping to conclusions on something like that. Kids get bruises. Besides, he's probably just lying 'cause he wants his dad to seem cool. CHASE: Yeah. NALEY'S HOUSE Quinn and Haley breakfast. QUINN: Okay. So, what do you want to do now? Do you want to watch another movie? HALEY: Quinn, listen, I really appreciate what you're doing, but nothing's gonna take my mind off of Nathan. QUINN: I know. I just think that you should try to think positive and not let your mind wander to those worst places. HALEY: I'm doing the best that I can, but every day that goes by without me hearing anything, the more that I feel like... I just keep praying for that phone to ring and somebody to tell me tat he's okay and he's coming home. (Telephone rings, Haley takes the call) HALEY(at phone): Hello? Yes, it is. Yeah. (She hangs up) HALEY: They found someone. They think it might be Nathan. I'm supposed to go identify the body. HOPITAL CENTRE Clay and Logan are still together. CLAY: Man, buddy. I'm so sorry for crashing your plane. I don't know what happened. LOGAN: Who cares? That was the coolest thing I have ever seen. CLAY: Ever? Really? I guess you are only like 2. LOGAN: Nuh-unh! Want to come help me put this thing back together? CLAY: Most definitely. Ooh, but I have to go see Dr. Alvarez first. But, you know, maybe I'll blow him off. I don't feel like going up there anyway. LOGAN: Why? Don't you like Dr. A? CLAY: Yeah, he's okay, but he's always working me over with really hard questions I don't like to answer. LOGAN: Well, I like him... And the suckers he gives out. CLAY: Oh, those suckers are clutch. LOGAN: I think he's just trying to help all of us. Plus, he said I might be done coming here for a while. CLAY: You're leaving me? That's not fair. How come you get to go? LOGAN: Probably because I answer all the questions he asks me. CLAY: Yeah. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke comes home. JULIAN: Hey, baby. What's going on? BROOKE: He came to the restaurant this morning. JULIAN: Who did? BROOKE: Xavier. They let him out last night. He just... stared at me, like he wanted to do something awful. JULIAN: He's just a low-life who's trying to scare you. BROOKE: This is different than last time. We have two defenseless babies now. JULIAN: I know, but don't let him freak you out. Besides, if he shows up again, I'll kick his ass. CHUCK'S HOUSE Chase comes in. CHUCK'S MOTHER: Chuck isn't here right now. CHASE: Uh, that's fine. I was actually hoping to talk to you. CHUCK'S MOTHER: Okay. CHASE: Has everything been okay at home lately? I mean, I know Chuck's dad is back... CHUCK'S MOTHER: Why are you asking me that? CHASE: It's... It's just I saw some bruises on Chuck, and... CHUCK'S MOTHER: No. It's nothing like that. CHASE: Nothing like what? CHUCK'S MOTHER: Like whatever you're trying to say. CHASE: Mrs. Scolnik, it's me. If there's anything you need to tell me, you can. CHUCK'S MOTHER: You need to go. (Chuck's father joins them) CHUCK'S FATHER: What's the babysitter doing here? CHASE: I was telling Mrs. Scolnik I noticed some bruises on huck. He told me they were from his bike, but it doesn't make sense. CHUCK'S FATHER: You calling my son a liar? CHASE: No. I was just wondering... CHUCK'S FATHER: Are you accusing me of something? You know what? Why don't you get the hell out of here?And don't bother coming back, neither. CHASE: If I do find out those bruises are from anything other than a bike, I will absolutely be coming back here, and the next visit won't be quite so cordial. NALEY'S HOUSE Haley has still the phone in her hands. She is shocked. HALEY(Voice-over): Nathan... From the second I heard those words, "we found a body" my eart sank. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. And now that I've managed to at least move, all I can think about is one moment you and I shared years ago. Over and over, that same insignificant moment repeats in my head. I-I can't tell you why. ROAD Quinn leads Haley to the morgue. HALEY(voice-over): It was your birthday, your first year playing for Maryland. Jamie must have been 2. You said you didn't want to do anything, but I insisted on at least having your favorite ice cream. You remember this? When I brought back mint chocolate chip and you asked why I thought that was your favorite, I was so confused. Any time we had gotten ice cream together, that's what you always chose. But... you told me rocky road was your favorite. And you looked at me so tenderly, Nathan, and you said you always chose mint chocolate chip because you knew it was my favorite flavor. MORGUE Quinn and Haley come in. HALEY(Voice-over): And that's when I realized for the first time that you hadn't been making any of your decisions for yourself. You were doing everything for me all along, for your family. and it occurred to me that we still had so much to learn about each other and since then, Nathan, I've learned about the wonderfully selfless, humble, strong man you are. Nathan, I can't hear that you'll never come home again, that I'll never learn something new about you again, never experience your selflessness, your love, your warm touch again. Nathan... please. Haley enters in the room to identify the body. HALEY(voice-over): Have we really had our last conversation? Our last kiss? I don't know what I'd do if...Please. Haley sees the body and tells it's not Nathan. She cries. NALEY'S HOUSE Haley goes home with Quinn. She finds Deb is here. DEB: Thank God it wasn't him. PRISON Dan visits an ex-friend. DAN: So, I hear officer burns had an accident. MAN: How'd you know about that? DAN: He and I had a little conversation last night. MAN: Is that right? DAN: Yeah. More or less. MAN: I hear you talk him into a coma. DAN: I can be very convincing. MAN: Well, we all appreciate what you said to that sadistic b*st*rd. DAN: I hated that son of a bitch when I was in here. I know you did, too, so you're welcome. MAN: I assume this little gift of yours comes with conditions, huh? DAN: It's about my son. CLUB TRIC Chase takes a drink and Skills comes at the bar. SKILLS: You got a bottle of clarity back there? I got something I need to work out. CHASE: Uh, I wish I could. I got called to active duty, so I'm no longer bar manager. SKILLS: I thought you was just a bartender. CHASE: Okay. Since it is you and you clearly need an ear, guess I could serve one last drink and listen to one last problem. SKILLS: Mm. Good man, chase. You're a good man. CHASE: So, what's up? SKILLS: Okay. You know me and Lauren used to date, right? Well, every once in a while, we'll still, you know... CHASE: What? SKILLS: You know. CHASE: Hang out? Tandem bike rides? You had a book club? What? SKILLS: Dude, really? CHASE: I'm screwing with you. So, what's your problem? SKILLS: Well, I've been gone, and we haven't, you know, in a while. I saw her today, and she was pregnant. I'm talking about big-as-a-house pregnant. Man, I guess that explains why she was acting a little weird the last few months when I called or texted. So, what should I do? CHASE: I'm gonna go really far out on a limb here and say you should go talk to her. SKILLS: Damn, you good, dawg. I see why they let you manage this place. CHASE: So, what if it is yours? SKILLS: Then I'm gonna man up. Hell, I'm not about to be a bad father. There's already too many of those out there as it is. CHASE: You're right about that. SKILLS: I tell you one thing, though. I did not expect to wake up today and find out that I'm a father. HOPITAL CENTRE Clay has a seance with Doctor Alvarez. DOCTOR: Maybe let's talk for a few minutes first. CLAY: Seriously? I can't have a sucker? What am I, 6? DOCTOR: Hey, I'm just recommending a simple work-then-reward method. It might help us get somewhere. Hey, I use it all the time on myself. CLAY: Okay. What do you want to talk about? DOCTOR: Let's talk about Sara. What happened the day that she died? CLAY: We've already talked about this. DOCTOR: Actually, no, we haven't. Not without you leaving or, unchanging the subject. Now, you've been willing to talk about anything up until that day, anything after that day, but not the day itself. Come on, Clay. We have to at least try. If you truly want to get better, you have got to let go of your reservations and open yourself up...No matter the risk. KAREN'S CAFE Brooke arrives in the cafe. BROOKE: Hey, everybody. ALL: Hi, Brooke. Hi, Brooke. Hi, Brooke. Hi, Brooke. GIRL: Hi, Brooke. XAVIER: Hi, Brooke. BROOKE: What is that creep doing here? WAITRESS: I don't know he. That's his third slice of cherry pie.He says we have the best in Tree Hill. JULIAN: Hey, Brooke, did you bring... (Brooke tells Julian that Xavier is here) JULIAN: All right. Let's go. Get up. XAVIER: I'm still eating. Hey, I wasn't doing anything wrong. There's no law against eating. Julian gets Xavier out. JULIAN: Go, before I beat the hell out of of you. XAVIER: Just wanted some cherry pie. JULIAN: I'm telling you right now that prison will be the least of your worries if you come near my family again. XAVIER: I wasn't doing anything! NALEY'S HOUSE Haley talks with Deb. DEB: And the police don't know anything? HALEY: Not that they've told me. Thank you. Deb, I can't shake the feeling that Dan is involved in this somehow. DEB: Oh, Haley. As screwed up as he is, I can't believe for a second that Dan had anything to do with this. Any good Dan has ever done has been for Nathan. HALEY: Well, if it wasn't him directly, it could easily have been someone that he's pissed off somewhere down the line. I don't know. I have so many possibilities that are just swirling around in my head every day, and each one is worse than the last. And I don't have anything else to go on. PRISON Dan always talks with the guy. DAN: Last place we saw him, I saw that...painted on the wall behind him. MAN: I don't know anything about the kidnapping. DAN: Give me a name... Someone who might know about it. MAN: Does the name Constantin mean anything to you? DAN: No. MAN: What about Zoran? Or Dimitri? DAN: Dimitri. FLASHBACK, PARK Dan is going to talks with Clay's dealer. DEALER(at phone): Yeah. Yeah, Dimitri, I got it, okay? PRISON MAN: You know him? DAN: Maybe. MAN: Well, I hope you don't. These guys are assassins. They're ruthless. If they do, in fact, have your boy, well, I'm afraid it's probably too late. DAN: We didn't talk. MAN: Scott. That, uh, TV show of yours... You think we'll ever find redemption for the things we've done? DAN: I wouldn't count on it. MAN: Then I'll see you in hell, my friend. I'll save you a seat. CLINN'S HOUSE Quinn comes home and finds David in the terrace. QUINN: David? DAVID: Hey. QUINN: Oh, uh, hi. What are you doing here? DAVID: Oh, I heard about Nathan. QUINN: Yeah. It's awful. DAVID: Yeah, I, uh, just cam town to see if there was something I could do. I stopped by their house first, but nobody was there. QUINN: Unfortunately, I don't think that there's anything any of us can do, but it was really nice of you to drive all this way to support Haley. DAVID: Nah. I still consider Haley and Nathan family. And you, too, as weird as that may sound. QUINN: It doesn't sound weird. How've you been? DAVID: Uh, good. Real good, actually. I'm seeing someone. And don't worry. It's not another one of your sisters. I've now decided to date outside of the James family, and apparently, there are more women out there in the world, so... QUINN: Really? Well, I'm really glad you're happy. DAVID: Thanks. What about you? How's Clay? HOPITAL CENTRE Clay is still in seance with the doctor. CLAY: Oh, that's at least a four-pointer. DOCTOR: At least. CLAY: I was saying something stupid about pens, and she collapsed. She died. I called 911. DOCTOR: What happened next? CLAY: I told you yesterday. I drove around. I stayed at hotels. I thought about... DOCTOR: No, Clay. What happened the day she died? That day. That moment. CLAY: I don't remember. DOCTOR: Try. Clay, please don't leave again. CLAY: You know, I don't remember. DOCTOR: We are close to something here. Come on, Clay. What happened? You have to go back there. It's the only way you can leave it behind. CHASE'S LOFT Chris comes in with beer. CHRIS: Dude! One more little sixer before you go off and save the world? CHASE: "Article 133...Any commissioned officer who is convicted of conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman shall be punished as a court-martial may direct. I'd be subject to dismissal and incarceration for up to three years. CHRIS: Wait, you're saying you can't have a beer? CHASE: I'm saying that's what will happen to me as an officer if I get caught beating the hell out of Chuck's father. CHRIS: Whoa! Dude. Hey, maybe you should think about this for a second. You don't even know what's going on over there for sure. CHASE: I got all the confirmation I needed this morning. The guy's a douche. CHRIS: Well, yeah, he's a douche, maybe you're right. CHASE: Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions. CHRIS: Seriously. Look, I'll keep an eye on Chuck. And if I find out anything for sure, I'll take care of it right away... With people that deal with this kind of thing. CHASE: Promise me you'll do that? You'll look after him? CHRIS: I'll look after him. I promise. CHASE: Just one. I got to go say goodbye to Chuck before I take off. NALEY'S HOUSE Brooke comes in with Lunch for Haley. HALEY: Hi. BROOKE: Hi. I brought you lunch. HALEY: Thanks. BROOKE: I've been calling, but it was going to voicemail. HALEY: Oh, sorry. Um, Deb actually came over, and then I've just been out of it for a while. The police... they pulled a body out of the river and thought it might be Nathan. I had to go down and identify it. It wasn't. BROOKE: Oh, my God, Haley. HALEY: That was the literally the hardest thing I've ever had to do. If it had been Nathan when they pulled back that sheet, I..Ink I would have died right there. BROOKE: Come here. I'm so sorry. I, um... I know it's not much, but Julian's been working with Dan, following some lead. HALEY: What... what lead? BROOKE: I don't know. Apparently, Dan won't say much. HALEY: What could Dan know that the police don't? SOUND STAGE Deb comes in to see Dan. DAN: Deb... What are you doing here? DEB: I came to see what you were doing to find our son. DAN: Everything I can. How's Haley doing? DEB: Better than anyone could imagine in her situation. She's upset with you, though. I can't say I blame her. I can't lose him, Dan. DAN: I know. DEB: He's all I have. DAN: I'll get him back. I'll make everything right again. Later, Julian and Dan are going to make a round. JULIAN: Knows anything about Nathan? DAN: I heard him say "Dimitri." JULIAN: How do you know it's the same guy? DAN: I don't. But we're in Tree Hill, Nathan's missing, and how many Dimitris do you know? JULIAN: So, the man who went to prison for attacking Brooke was just paroled. He came to the café today. I threw him out and threatened to kick his ass. DAN: So? JULIAN: So, he said he wasn't doing anything. Maybe he wasn't. I don't know. Am I just supposed to give him the benefit of the doubt now that he's served his time or something? DAN: The guy's an ex-con. I wouldn't trust him for a second. JULIAN: Yeah. He can have his second chance somewhere else. KAREN'S CAFE Skills meets Lauren to talk. SKILLS: Hey, Lauren. Thank you so much for meeting me. LAUREN: Antwon, is everything okay? You sounded so urgent on the phone. SKILLS: Look, I just want you to know that I've been thinking a whole lot about you and about your situation. Well, our situation. And I just want to let you know that... I want to do the right thing for you and the baby. I mean, I want to be there 100% I'm talking lamaze, midnight runs for ice cream, all that. And I'm an excellent baby-proofer, so you don't have to worry about that. LAUREN: That is so sweet. It's just, um, somebody else already has that covered. The father. Antwon, it's not yours. David comes in. DAVID: Her you go, babe. (He kisses her) LAUREN: Oh, thank you. DAVID: Hey. Skills, right? SKILLS: Uh, yeah, hey. DAVID: Yeah. Hey. SKILLS: I just want to offer you guys my baby-proofing expertise. You never can be too careful, right? O, and, um... I'll even get you half off. DAVID: "Antwon Taylor. Sports coordinator. I've got the "skills." SKILLS: Oh, you got flip that over. DAVID: "Antwon Taylor. Baby-proofer. I've got the "skills". LAUREN: Thank you. Quinn enters in the cafe and sees the band. QUINN: David. Hi, Lauren. LAUREN: Hey. QUINN: Oh! Oh, pregnant's the girl you're see... Uh, Lauren's the girl you're seeing? DAVID: Yeah. You guys know each other? HOPITAL CENTRE Clay talks about Sara's dead. CLAY: I remember the odd look she gave me. She was in the kitchen. "Angel flying too close to the ground" was playing on the record player. She liked the scratches and pops of the vinyl albums. And then her eyes rolled back into her head, and I watched hedy just quit. Se just stopped. So I ran to her. And I was thinking that no matter how hard I pressed my legs against the ground, it wasn't fast enough. It took me an eternity to get to her. And as I was holding her, I remember thinking, "this must be a dream." You know, as if my brain was telling me that this couldn't be reality. 25-year-old women don't just drop dead. I waited for her to wake up. I was numb. I couldn't speak or move. I just stood over her while they put her on a stretcher... And pulled the sheet over her face. I was thinking, "this can't be real. This can't be real." DOCTOR: What happened next, Clay? CLAY: I was thinking, "I can't go on without her. I just... I can't possibly." DOCTOR: What do you see, Clay? CLAY: I can't talk about this. DOCTOR: Can't or don't want to? CLAY: Either. KAREN'S CAFE Quinn takes a drink and talks with Brooke. BROOKE: Wait. So, David is with Lauren. QUINN: Mm-hmm. BROOKE: Our Lauren. QUINN: Yeah. BROOKE: And the... is his? QUINN: Yep. I mean, I'm happy for them both, but it's kind of weird. BROOKE: I bet. QUINN: You know, with David, I could never see us having kids. You know? I loved how spontaneous our life was early on. BROOKE: And what about now? With Clay? QUINN: With Clay, it's different. You know, I'm less concerned about our future. Whatever happens, happens. It'll be a dream come true, whatever it is. Xavier enters in the cafe. BROOKE: You need to leave now, before I call the police. XAVIER: I forgot my phone. That's all. BROOKE: How convenient. Now go. XAVIERS: You know, I haven't done anything. BROOKE: Haven't done anything? XAVIER: I served my time. I have just as much right to be around Tree Hill as anybody. BROOKE: And I have the right to refuse service to anybody, and I'm not serving you. Now go. DAN'S CAR Julian and Dan are in front of a bar and see Dimitri's friend. DAN: There's that son of a bitch. JULIAN: So, what's the plan? DAN: I'm gonna have a conversation with him. JULIAN: Oh, like a conversation conversation? DAN: I'm gonna whatever kind it takes to get answers. JULIAN: All right. Hold on. You can't just walk up to him. DAN: Why not? JULIAN: Because he probably has a gun, for one. And those guys, for two. What do you think would happen if they made one phone call saying that Dan Scott is snooping around, looking for his son? All I'm saying is now that we know where he is, we should come up with some sort of plan. POLICE STATION Haley comes to have more information. HALEY: So, you're telling me that you're actually no closer to finding my husband now than you were a week ago? POLICEMAN: I'm sorry, ma'am. I can point you to the detectives in charge of the case, but they'll tell you the same thing. HALEY: The detectives?! You mean those guys back there who are watching the game and laughing and drinking coffee?! Nobody is doing anything to find my husband, and I'm tired of it! POLICEMAN: Hey, hey. Look, look. I know that you're upset, but you do need to calm down. HALEY: It has been a week! This is absolutely absurd! Do you have any idea... POLICEMAN: We are doing everything that we can! HALEY: It's not enough! No! POLICEMAN: If you don't calm down, we'll have to remove you from the bulding. HALEY: I went to the morgue this afternoon! POLICEMAN: Is there anyone we can call? Deb comes to pick up. DEB: Haley... HALEY: Nobody is making this a priority. It's like Nathan's missing, and it's yesterday's news. DEB: Maybe you should talk to Dan. HALEY: I have trusted Dan before, and he always makes me feel like an idiot for it. DEB: I know we both have many, many reasons to hate him, but Dan may be our only hope. HALEY: God. CHUCK'S HOUSE Chase comes in and hears that it's screaming in the house. WADE: Tell me where you've been running your mouth! CHUCK: No! WADE: Boy, answer me! CHUCK: No! WADE: Tell me what you said! CHUCK: Ow! WADE: Answer me right now! Answer me! (Chase takes a barre) Mrs. Scolnik: Wade, stop! Please! WADE: What'd you say, boy?! Huh?! You been running your mouth?! CHUCK: No! No! WADE: You been running [ Indistinct shouting ] CHUCK'S MOTHER: You're hurting him! Let him go! Let him go! (Chuck gets out and finds on Chase) CHASE: You stay out here. Hear me? Chase enters in the house and fight Wade to dead. WADE: I thought I told you stay... ow! STREET Haley is walking on the street. KAREN'S CAFE Julian comes to see Brooke. JULIAN: You didn't call, so I'm guessing that son of a bitch didn't show up again? BROOKE: He did, actually, but it was only for a second, and I handled it pretty effortlessly, if I must say. JULIAN: Oh, yeah? BROOKE: Mm-hmm. You inspired me today. It was pretty sexy, actually, you getting all protective. JULIAN: You liked that, did you? BROOKE: Mm-hmm. You were right. I think he was just trying to scare me. JULIAN: You need to call me if you ever see him again. BROOKE: Okay. Any news on Nathan? JULIAN: No, not quite, but I think we're getting closer. BROOKE: I can't believe this is happening. It doesn't even seem real. JULIAN: Yeah, I know. BROOKE: I feel so bad for Haley. I can't imagine. (Julian sees Xavier by the window) JULIAN: Hey! (Julian goes out and no one is here) HOPITAL CENTRE Clay walks in the hallway and remembers the Sara's dead day. And he remember there is a bedroom, baby's bedroom. He has a son with Sara. It's Logan. He comes back to see Doctor Alvarez. DOCTOR: What did you see? CLAY: You know what I saw. I saw my son. You're telling me that he's my son? DOCTOR: I'm not telling you anything. You have to tell me. CLAY: How'd you do this? You're screwing with my head. DOCTOR: Clay, I haven't done anything. Like I said before, I believe your mind his been trying to tell you something for quite some time now. CLAY: So, you've known about this the whole time? You let me walk around, unaware of my own child? For years! Until I'm some sort of zombie waking up on merry-go-rounds? Why the hell didn't you tell me? DOCTOR: We tried. CLAY: Who's "we"? DOCTOR: Sara's parents. Me. Clay, I told you every day after Sara died. I told you, but you blocked it out. You weren't ready. CLAY: Well, I'm not ready now, either. He said that you told him he's gonna be leaving soon. Why?Because he's gonna be leaving with me? He's not leaving with me. Clay goes away. Logan sees him. LOGAN: Clay? Want to put the plane back together now? Clay, are you ready? Where are you going? Clay? CHUCK'S HOUSE Chase is arrested. CLINN'S HOUSE Quinn comes back and sees Clay at home. QUINN: Clay! Clay... What are you doing home? Is everything okay? CLAY: You know that breakthrough that we were hoping for? I had it. QUINN: Look...It's okay. Nothing you say is gonna change us. I promise. SOUND STAGE Haley comes in to see Dan. HALEY(voice-over): Forgive me, Nathan. I just don't know what else to do. DAN: Haley? HALEY: Tell me what you know. End of the episode.

Plan: A: Haley; Q: Who goes to identify a body that is thought to be Nathan? A: a phone call; Q: What does Haley get? A: Clay; Q: Who receives life changing news? A: Dan; Q: Who revisits his past while searching for Nathan? A: Deb returns; Q: Who returns? A: Chase; Q: Who goes to extreme measures to protect Chuck? A: Coldplay; Q: What band is this episode named after? Summary: Haley gets a phone call that may change her life forever. Clay receives life changing news while revisiting his past. While Dan revisits his past during his search for Nathan, Deb returns. Haley goes to identify a body that is thought to be Nathan. Chase goes to extreme measures to protect Chuck. This episode is named after a song and album by Coldplay .

DOCTOR WHO AND THE SILURIANS BY: MALCOLM HULKE 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR sits in the laboratory making out the formula on a pad. The door to the corridor is open behind him. He hears a humming noise and stops writing, listening intently with a frown. He continues to write as, behind him, the wall in the corridor starts to glow an orange colour. The DOCTOR is oblivious as smoke pours from the wall and, from its billowing clouds, the YOUNG SILURIAN and SILURIAN SCIENTIST burst through. They stride into the laboratory and immediately blast the DOCTOR with their third eyes. Staring upwards, he sinks to the floor...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (Private Upton stands before the BRIGADIER'S desk.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And there's no news from cave mouth two? PRIVATE UPTON: We've lost contact with cave mouth two, sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, I want reports from all sectors as they come in - and get me Captain Hawkins. PRIVATE UPTON: Sir! (He leaves as LIZ walks in. She smiles.) LIZ: I've checked on the ambulance man in the sick bay. The discolouration of the skin is fading rapidly. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: So the Doctor's antidote seems totally effective? LIZ: So far, yes. (The BRIGADIER bangs the desk in frustration.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I wish he'd get a move on with that formula! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (The unconscious DOCTOR is dragged backwards from the laboratory in the arms of the SILURIAN SCIENTIST.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH CENTRE. RECEPTION FOYER (The YOUNG SILURIAN follows them. Private Upton walks into the reception foyer and sees what is happening in the side corridor.) PRIVATE UPTON: (Shouts.) Sergeant! (The YOUNG SILURIAN spins round and blasts the soldier to the ground with his third eye.) YOUNG SILURIAN: Quickly! There may be others. (Leaving the body of the soldier behind, the SCIENTIST drags the DOCTOR into the recently created hole in the wall. The YOUNG SILURIAN follows, turns and fires its third eye at the gap. There is the humming sound again, along with the smoke and the tunnel is sealed. Smoke drifts across the area as NUTTING'S corpse lies unattended...) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (LIZ holds one phone call while the BRIGADIER speaks into a UNIT R/T phone at the back of the room.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Hold them long as you can. I'm doing my level best to get you the support you need. (A third phone rings and LIZ picks it up.) LIZ: (Into phone.) UNIT control? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Over and out. LIZ: (Into phone.) Yes, Doctor...Crawford. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To A UNIT soldier.) Wilcox, bring them down here. (The BRIGADIER rushes to his desk and takes the second phone from LIZ.) LIZ: (Into phone.) I...I know. Look, I'm terribly sorry. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Look, what's happening about my call to the Ministry of Defence? LIZ: (Into phone.) I'm sure the Doctor won't be much longer. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Well, look, hurry it up, man - this is top priority! (He puts his phone down...) LIZ: (Into phone.) Yeah, I do realise, all right. Goodbye. (...as does LIZ.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Trouble? LIZ: Dr. Meredith is getting very impatient. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I can't say I blame him. LIZ: Give the Doctor a couple more moments. I...I mean he may have run into some kind of problem. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH CENTRE. RECEPTION FOYER (The lift from the surface finishes its descent and the door opens. CAPTAIN HAWKINS walks out and immediately sees the body of Private Upton on the floor. He unholsters his pistol and looks warily round. Seeing no one, he checks NUTTING, looks up and sees an arch-shaped scorch mark on the corridor wall where the tunnel was sealed up. He walks over to examine it. At that moment, a white suited technician walks into the foyer and stops dead when he sees the corpse.) CAPTAIN HAWKINS: Here you! Give me a hand. (The technician hesitates.) CAPTAIN HAWKINS: Well don't stand there gawping, man! Come on, give me a hand! (The technician overcomes his shock and helps HAWKINS with the body.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (The BRIGADIER is on the phone again.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Yes, all right, Major Walton. Pull back from gallery four... (A second phone rings...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) ...and try and hold them at cave mouth three. (...and LIZ answers it.) LIZ: (Into phone.) UNIT control? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Over and out. (The BRIGADIER puts his phone down.) LIZ: (Into phone.) Oh, yes sir. He's here - hold the line. (She hands him the second phone.) LIZ: The Ministry of Defence. (He takes it but speaks urgently to LIZ.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Miss Shaw, I must have that formula. LIZ: All right, I'll go and see what's holding the Doctor up. (She gets up and runs out as the BRIGADIER speaks to his caller.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Lethbridge Stewart here, sir. You got my message? (He listens.) With respect, sir, I don't think you appreciate the gravity of the situation. (Listens.) But there's no time to refer it to the Defence Committee. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (LIZ runs into the laboratory, casting a surprised glance at the scorch mark on the opposite wall in the corridor.) LIZ: Doctor, the Brig... (She sees that the laboratory is empty. She steps forward and onto a smashed test tube on the floor. She picks up the glass in puzzlement together with a screwed up piece of paper. She also picks that up and then looks over the bench. There is an untidy mass of papers there. She grabs them, thinks for a moment and then rushes from the room with the papers in her hand.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (Having returned to the Conference Room, she has told the BRIGADIER, holding yet another phone call, of what she has found.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: But where is he?! LIZ: I've told you - I've no idea. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You'll read the formula to Dr. Crawford - he's been hanging on long enough. LIZ: Don't you understand? I don't know which is the formula. (The BRIGADIER sighs and returns to his phone call.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Hello, Dr. Crawford? Look, I'm afraid I'll have to ring you back. There's been yet another delay. (He listens.) Yes, yes, yes, as soon as I can. (He puts the phone down. LIZ frowns.) LIZ: Brigadier, there was some glass in the lab. I...I don't know if there's... (The doors to the room burst open and CAPTAIN HAWKINS runs in.) CAPTAIN HAWKINS: Sir! Sir, there's been some kind of a raid. Private Upton's dead. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: In the caves? CAPTAIN HAWKINS: No, sir - here. Just down the corridor - and there's a kind of scorch mark on the wall. (The BRIGADIER looks stupefied for a moment. Then he jumps up and grabs his gun belt as LIZ starts to search through the papers she has brought with her from the laboratory.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Stay here, Miss Shaw. LIZ: What? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Stay here! LIZ: Yes, of course! (The BRIGADIER runs out, closely followed by CAPTAIN HAWKINS. LIZ continues to read through the papers. She stops on one, glances at the rest, unscrews the paper that she picked up from the floor of the laboratory. Reading it, she smiles and then picks up one of the phones.) LIZ: (Into phone.) Get me Dr. Crawford, please. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. SILURIAN BASE. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR, still in his white lab coat, has been placed back inside the cage in the SILURIAN laboratory. He looks through the horizontal bars at his captors.) SILURIAN SCIENTIST: How many humans have survived the epidemic? DOCTOR: They will all survive. YOUNG SILURIAN: That is impossible! SILURIAN SCIENTIST: You have discovered a cure? DOCTOR: Yes, and soon all the humans will be immune to your epidemic. Your plan has failed, as your leader wanted it to fail. YOUNG SILURIAN: Our leader is dead - I killed him. I am the leader now. (The DOCTOR looks stunned at this development...) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (This time it is LIZ who is on the phone...) LIZ: (Into phone.) Thank you, Dr. Crawford. (She puts the phone down as the BRIGADIER walks in with CAPTAIN HAWKINS.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To LIZ.) The Silurians have broken in. LIZ: Well, what about the Doctor? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, I imagine they've taken him to their base. Captain Hawkins, send every man we've got into the caves, and I want all civilian personnel evacuated from here immediately. CAPTAIN HAWKINS: Sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And organise a thorough search of that laboratory. CAPTAIN HAWKINS: I'll see to it myself, sir. (He shouts to the two UNIT soldiers in the room.) CAPTAIN HAWKINS: You two - come with me. (They leave.) LIZ: I've given the formula to Dr. Crawford. They're going to make their own tests and then go into mass production of the antidote. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well done, Miss Shaw. LIZ: What are you going to do about the Doctor? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Sadly.) What can I do? LIZ: Try to rescue him! You'll have to attack their base. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: At the moment, they seem to be attacking us. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. CAVES (A full scale battle is in order in the caves. A UNIT soldier blasts away at his attackers.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. SILURIAN BASE. LABORATORY (The sound of the gunfire reaches the base. As the DOCTOR listens, the YOUNG SILURIAN and the SCIENTIST confer...) YOUNG SILURIAN: Since the epidemic has failed, we must use other means. We intend to make this planet uninhabitable for humans beings. DOCTOR: But you can't do that! You can exterminate a whole species! YOUNG SILURIAN: (To the SCIENTIST.) Is the disperser ready for activation? SILURIAN SCIENTIST: All we need now is the power. YOUNG SILURIAN: We shall continue to use the electricity of the humans. DOCTOR: I think you won't be able to do that. Thanks to you, the humans are no longer making power. Their generator has been switched off. SILURIAN SCIENTIST: Then you will help us. YOUNG SILURIAN: We shall force you to reactivate it. We shall take the centre! [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (The BRIGADIER, sat at his table, taps the phone cradle.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Hello? (There is no response.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Hello? Hello? Switchboard? (To LIZ.) What's the matter with this thing? (Suddenly, the lights in the room dim and the hum of the air conditioning dies down.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What the devil...? LIZ: We seem to have switched to an emergency lighting system. (LIZ picks up another phone.) LIZ: (Into phone.) Hello? (To the BRIGADIER.) It's dead. (The BRIGADIER picks up the R/T phone which has now been placed on his desk. LIZ winds up the call handle. Not receiving any response, she winds it up again.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: This one's dead too. And I've just sent the last of my men into those caves. LIZ: What do you mean? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Because of the attack, I sent every man I've got down to the caves and now the Silurians are cutting our communications. LIZ: What about your pocket radio? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: No, useless at this depth. LIZ: If they could break in once to get the Doctor...they could break in again. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Exactly. (He stands up.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Only this time it'll be in force. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. SILURIAN BASE. REVIVIFICATION AREA (The SILURIAN SCIENTIST is in the revivification area. He stands over one of the large caskets and uses his third eye to try and resuscitate one of the individuals contained within. There is no response. The large hatchway rises into the ceiling and the YOUNG SILURIAN strides in.) YOUNG SILURIAN: Is the machinery prepared? SILURIAN SCIENTIST: I could do nothing without power from the human's generator. It has ceased to function. YOUNG SILURIAN: We shall force them to reactivate it. When your instruments register the power, you will revive all our people. Now, I shall take the one called "the Doctor" to the research centre. (He turns and walks out as the SCIENTIST starts to examine the machinery.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH CENTRE. RECEPTION FOYER (As a soldier crosses the foyer, the BRIGADIER and LIZ enter.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I'll go to the Ministry myself. We need a division down here and I'll see we get it. (He crosses to the lift and presses the button. There is no response.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What's the matter with this thing? LIZ: The telephone's stopped working. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Now the lift as well. (Suddenly, the scorch-marked wall begins to glow.) LIZ: Brigadier - look! (LIZ and the BRIGADIER glance at each other in astonishment and then look back at the wall that begins to smoke and open, revealing the reptile-made passage beyond. A familiar white-coated figure walks out and through the smoke.) LIZ: Doctor! (The DOCTOR stops. Behind him, the SILURIANS start to emerge. The BRIGADIER reaches for his pistol.) YOUNG SILURIAN: Put down that weapon! [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (Across the corridor, in the darkened laboratory, CAPTAIN HAWKINS hears the exchange and moves behind the open door, drawing his pistol as he goes.) DOCTOR: Do as he says, Brigadier...or they'll kill us all. [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH CENTRE. RECEPTION FOYER (The BRIGADIER reluctantly drops his own gun.) SILURIAN SCIENTIST: We do not need these humans. DOCTOR: Miss Shaw is a scientist. If I am to do what you want, I shall need her help. YOUNG SILURIAN: The other one is a soldier - he is dangerous. Kill him! (A SILURIAN steps forward and activates its third eye. At the same time, CAPTAIN HAWKINS comes out of the laboratory and starts firing his pistol at the group of reptiles. The SILURIAN turns its aim at HAWKINS as the DOCTOR struggles in another SILURIAN'S grasp.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Stop! LIZ: (Shouts.) Brigadier! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Stop! (HAWKINS falls to the ground and the SILURIAN stops firing.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) There'll be no more killing or I shall refuse to help you! You'll have to kill me too! YOUNG SILURIAN: You will take us to the nuclear generator - or we will kill you all! (The DOCTOR considers, then thrusts off the holding SILURIAN'S arm.) DOCTOR: Very well. I'll do as you want. (He is pushed across the foyer towards the Cyclotron Room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH CENTRE. CYCLOTRON ROOM (There, the remaining technicians work peacefully in the semi-darkened room. Suddenly, a pair of double doors in the lower level burst open and the two lead SILURIANS enter. The amazed and frightened technicians scramble to the back of the room. Despite the DOCTOR'S injunction, the two SILURIANS immediately start firing at the helpless humans. The women in the room scream as two technicians fall to the ground. The DOCTOR runs in behind the two SILURIANS...) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Stop! Stop! (...and pulls them away from firing again.) DOCTOR: I said there was to be no more killing! (The technicians make a break en masse for the upper level and the other door.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Right, stay where you are! (They all stop and listen.) DOCTOR: This centre is now in the hands of the Silurians. They need the use of the generator. Now if you follow carefully the instructions I shall give you, your lives may be spared. YOUNG SILURIAN: Remove the bodies. (As the SILURIANS move away from the DOCTOR, the BRIGADIER sidles up to him.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Doctor, what do you think you're doing? DOCTOR: (Urgently.) Trying to save your lives. Now keep out of the way and keep quiet. (The SILURIAN SCIENTIST moves forward.) SILURIAN SCIENTIST: You will now connect this device to the nuclear generator. (He points back through the double doors.) DOCTOR: The power source is over here. (The DOCTOR points across the room and leads the SCIENTIST to the drum of the cyclotron. Behind them, two SILURIANS wheel their device into the room. It resembles a stubby cannon with a radar-type dish and prong atop it.) DOCTOR: What is the purpose of this machine? YOUNG SILURIAN: That is no concern of yours. DOCTOR: If I'm to help you, I must know. (The YOUNG SILURIAN nods his permission to the SCIENTIST to reveal the purpose of the device.) SILURIAN SCIENTIST: This...is the molecular disperser. It will convert the energy of the nuclear reactor into microwaves. DOCTOR: Oh, for what purpose? SILURIAN SCIENTIST: The microwaves will disperse the molecules of the filter belt which has enveloped this planet since our time. (LIZ, listening carefully to this explanation, frowns in concern.) DOCTOR: But if this process gets out of hand, it will destroy all life on the planet? SILURIAN SCIENTIST: We can control the process. Commence work! (With reluctance, the DOCTOR picks up a cable from the cyclotron and moves towards the SILURIAN device.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To LIZ, quietly.) What are they gonna do? LIZ: (Quietly.) Destroy the Van Allen belt. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Quietly.) What? LIZ: (Quietly.) The Van Allen belt. It surrounds the planet and filters out some of the sun's radiation. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Quietly.) What happens when it's gone? LIZ: (Quietly.) It gets so hot, we will all die of sunburn on a cloudy day. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Quietly.) What good will that do them? LIZ: (Quietly.) They're reptile - cold blooded. They'll thrive in heat - we shall die. It'll mean the end of the human race. (The DOCTOR continues his work...) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. SILURIAN BASE. REVIVIFICATION AREA (Back in the SILURIAN base, three of the reptiles look over one of the resuscitation coffin-like units. The door hatchway opens and a fourth SILURIAN walks in.) SILURIAN: The generator of the humans is producing power. Commence the revival process. (This newly arrived SILURIAN and another turn their third eyes on the unit. After a moment, the lid rises upwards as within an awakening SILURIAN pushes it upwards. The revived reptile suddenly shudders in spasms, groans and falls back. The lid of the unit also falls back down.) SILURIAN: The power is still too low. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH CENTRE. CYCLOTRON ROOM (The DOCTOR has stripped off his lab coat to engineer the link between the cyclotron and the SILURIAN device. In a white T-shirt and trousers, he awaits further instructions from the SILURIAN SCIENTIST as he inspects the DOCTOR'S work.) SILURIAN SCIENTIST: You will now provide power to operate the re-hibernation machinery and activate the disperser. DOCTOR: Yes, well, we'll...need to stoke up the reactor. (To LIZ.) Miss Shaw, I'll need your help, please. (He moves towards the upper level control room as the BRIGADIER whispers urgently to LIZ.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You mustn't help him! LIZ: The Doctor knows what he's doing - trust him. (LIZ also goes into the upper level. The DOCTOR is sat at the control desk with the YOUNG SILURIAN hovering over him.) DOCTOR: Miss Shaw, I want you to feed uranium into the reactor - all right? (LIZ nods and the YOUNG SILURIAN moves off. The DOCTOR uses the chance.) DOCTOR: (Quietly.) When I tell you, lower all the rods in at once. LIZ: (Shocked.) Doctor, [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) Liz, I know what I'm doing. Please do as I say. (LIZ moves back down to the lower level and sits at the control desk there.) DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Er, all technicians to your usual sectors, please. To your usual sectors, please. (The DOCTOR watches as the technicians move reluctantly back to their posts.) DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Alright, Liz? LIZ: (Into microphone.) Yes. DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Er, lower in number one rod. (There is a hum as LIZ carries out the instruction.) LIZ: (Into microphone.) Number one rod - check. (The whirr of increased power starts to build up.) DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Lower in number two rod. (There is another hum, then...) LIZ: (Into microphone.) Number two rod - check. (The power of the cyclotron builds up further and its drum glows brighter. The SILURIAN SCIENTIST and another of the reptiles check over the disperser.) DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Er, sector one, increase your power level. Lower in number three rod. (Again a hum and the increase of power as the BRIGADIER watches on disapprovingly.) LIZ: (Into microphone.) Number three rod - check. DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Now you should be getting enough power now to get your disperser unit into operation. (The SCIENTIST looks over the machine. The probe on top of it starts to glow with a series of alternating lights. The impatient YOUNG SILURIAN steps forward to the DOCTOR.) YOUNG SILURIAN: Continue to increase the power. DOCTOR: Very well. (Into microphone.) Liz... (Shouts.) Now! (LIZ urgently turns several dials. The whirr of power in the room starts to run away and a huge explosion suddenly rends the SILURIAN disperser. At the same time, the alarms in the room start to blare out and the technicians run in a panic at the oncoming nuclear overload.) YOUNG SILURIAN: (To the DOCTOR.) You have ..... the disperser! DOCTOR: Yes, I know. (The YOUNG SILURIAN runs down into the lower room.) YOUNG SILURIAN: (To LIZ.) Turn off the reactor! SILURIAN SCIENTIST: (To LIZ.) Remove the uranium from the reactor. (LIZ gets up and moves across slowly to a panel. The SILURIAN SCIENTIST roughly pushes her towards it faster.) DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Liz, keep away from those controls - get back! (LIZ steps back as the control panel itself explodes. She runs back to her control desk as the SILURIANS hover over her, uncertain what to do next. The DOCTOR loudly but calmly shouts through the intercom system over the noise of the reactor and the alarm.) DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) The reactor is now permanently overloaded. There's going to be a massive explosion, and a colossal radiation leakage. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To the SILURIANS.) The whole area will become deadly. YOUNG SILURIAN: For how long? LIZ: A quarter of a century - possibly more. SILURIAN SCIENTIST: (To the YOUNG SILURIAN.) This means nothing to us. We shall return to our base and wait in hibernation until the radiation has faded. Kill these humans! YOUNG SILURIAN: No! They will all stay here to die...from the radiation. (There is an anxious moment as the SILURIANS hover over the lower control desk and LIZ. Then, slowly they start to back out of the room. As soon as they have gone, the BRIGADIER runs to the upper level where the DOCTOR is sat with his chin in his hands. LIZ joins them.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Warmly.) Well done, Doctor. DOCTOR: Well done, Brigadier. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well hadn't you better close down the reactor? DOCTOR: I can't. (The smiles disappear from the faces of the BRIGADIER and LIZ.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You were surely bluffing? DOCTOR: Well, I exaggerated a bit...but I had to push the reactor past the critical stage or they'd never have believed me. We'd better get out of here at once. (The DOCTOR stands.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: We can't. DOCTOR: Why not? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: They've jammed the lift - there's no way out. (The DOCTOR looks at him in stunned silence.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. SILURIAN BASE. REVIVIFICATION AREA (The reptiles have made it back to their base. The SILURIAN SCIENTIST stands over one of the revivification units, training his third eye on it. The unit glides across the room and under an overhanging panel. The wall hatch slides upwards and the YOUNG SILURIAN enters.) SILURIAN SCIENTIST: The re-hibernation mechanism is defective. One of us must remain. YOUNG SILURIAN: I am the leader - the responsibility is mine. SILURIAN SCIENTIST: The one who remains here will die. YOUNG SILURIAN: Is sufficient power stored in the hibernation unit? SILURIAN SCIENTIST: Yes, I have set the controls to revive us in fifty years from now. YOUNG SILURIAN: When our people revive, you will be the leader. See that the apes are destroyed. [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH CENTRE. CYCLOTRON ROOM (The alarm continues to blare across the cyclotron room and two meters showing the wattage are still at a critical level. The DOCTOR lies face upwards under the upper level control desk, manipulating the wires underneath. LIZ looks at the dials and meters on the desk.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Any good now? LIZ: No, it's still not working. DOCTOR: (Calmly.) Give me time, Liz, give me time. (He cross-wires more of the machinery and plugs them together.) DOCTOR: There we are - try that now. LIZ: The mega-wattage is still rising. (The DOCTOR gets up and looks over the controls, thinking furiously. Suddenly, he snaps his fingers.) DOCTOR: Yes, I know. I'll try fusing the control of the neutron flow. Now stand well back and cover your eyes. (The BRIGADIER and LIZ move to the back of the room and face the wall with their arms up in protection. The DOCTOR presses several controls and joins them. There is a tremendous explosion from within the control desk and, simultaneously, the whirr of the reactor decreases and the alarm ceases.) DOCTOR: Ha ha! Well, that seems to have done it. (LIZ laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. SILURIAN BASE. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR is back in his pot-holing gear and has re-entered the SILURIAN base. He cautiously enters the silent and deserted laboratory. He makes his way through it...) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. SILURIAN BASE. REVIVIFICATION AREA (...and into the equally silent and seemingly deserted revivification area. He starts to look over the machinery with interest when he hears a voice behind him.) YOUNG SILURIAN: You are still alive? (The YOUNG SILURIAN enters the area from the laboratory.) YOUNG SILURIAN: You tricked us! DOCTOR: I managed to close down the reactor. YOUNG SILURIAN: Then the others must be revived at once. But first, I shall kill you! (The YOUNG SILURIAN starts firing his third eye.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. SILURIAN BASE. LABORATORY (At the same time, the BRIGADIER who has surreptitiously followed the DOCTOR down to the base, runs forward...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Doctor! (...and starts firing his pistol through the open doorway at the YOUNG SILURIAN...) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. SILURIAN BASE. REVIVIFICATION AREA (...who staggers under the impact. The DOCTOR runs for cover behind the machinery...) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. SILURIAN BASE. LABORATORY (...as the BRIGADIER fires bullet after bullet.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. SILURIAN BASE. REVIVIFICATION AREA (The YOUNG SILURIAN'S cries turn to groans as it sinks to the ground and then lies still. The DOCTOR comes out of hiding as the BRIGADIER walks forward, holstering his gun.) DOCTOR: Well done, Brigadier. Now then... (He turns back to the machinery.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And just what do you think you're doing down here? DOCTOR: I'm trying to find out how this hibernation unit works. I must know if we're gonna revive them again. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Amazed.) Revive them?! DOCTOR: Yes, not all at once you understand. Er, one at a time, so that we can reason with them. There's a wealth of scientific knowledge down here, Brigadier, and I can't wait to get started on it. (He continues to look over the machinery as the BRIGADIER looks down at him through narrowed eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH CENTRE. CYCLOTRON ROOM (The Cyclotron Room seems to have undergone its repairs and is back to normal with all the technicians back at their posts. The DOCTOR is back in his normal clothes - including cloak - and he steps up into the upper level control room. LIZ, with her coat on, follows him. The BRIGADIER waits in the control room along with CORPORAL NUTTING and another UNIT soldier.) DOCTOR: Yes, well everything seems to be working quite smoothly. I don't think they'll be any more trouble. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Splendid. DOCTOR: Now don't forget, Brigadier, nobody is to go into that Silurian base. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR: Miss Shaw and I will be back as soon as possible with some testing equipment and probably some other scientists. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Hastily.) Good, good, well, have a good journey. (The DOCTOR looks at him with some suspicion.) DOCTOR: Yes... Don't forget, Brigadier - nobody is to go into that base - all right? (He smiles.) DOCTOR: I'll see you tomorrow. LIZ: Goodbye. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Goodbye, Miss Shaw. (They head for the door which the UNIT soldier holds open for LIZ.) LIZ: Thank you. (After they have gone, there is a moment's silence.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Corporal Nutting? CORPORAL NUTTING: Sir? (The CORPORAL steps forward.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Everything set up? CORPORAL NUTTING: Yes, sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Give them time to get clear, and then set off those explosive charges. I want that Silurian base sealed permanently. [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. SILURIAN BASE. REVIVIFICATION AREA (Within the base, the YOUNG SILURIAN is not dead. It breathes heavily and stirs on the floor. Weakly, it crawls across to a resuscitation unit and, grasping to the unit for support, heaves itself to its feet. It fires its third eye at the unit but its own power is weak.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. WENLEY MOOR (The DOCTOR'S new car has broken down. At an isolated spot on the lonely moor, he stands with the detachable bonnet in his hands and ponders the cause as LIZ looks on somewhat sardonically from the passenger seat.) LIZ: Shall I walk back and get some help? DOCTOR: No, no. No, it's just a minor technical fault. We'll soon put that right. (He puts the bonnet back into place and unscrews the radiator cap. Whistling, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a stoppered test tube containing a green liquid. He takes the top off and pours the liquid into the open cap. Smoke starts to come out. He puts the cap back on, checks his watch and listens as a bubbling noise comes from the car. Still checking the timings on his watch, he walks slowly down the length of the car, tracing out the progress of the liquid, up down and along with his right finger against where it should be within the machinery of the vehicle. LIZ watches with interest. He reaches the back of the car and, right on cue, the liquid comes out of the exhaust pipe and the car starts up.) DOCTOR: There you are - that's fixed it. (LIZ smiles as the DOCTOR returns to his seat. The peace of the moor is suddenly shattered by a huge explosion.) LIZ: What's that? (She looks across the moorland as a massive fireball erupts from a cave mouth.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. SILURIAN BASE. REVIVIFICATION AREA (Inside the base, the YOUNG SILURIAN screams out as the explosions tear into the infrastructure. It falls to the ground as smoke and flame fill the base.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: EXT. WENLEY MOOR (More explosions pour out of the cave mouth. The DOCTOR looks horrified.) DOCTOR: The Brigadier - he's blown up the Silurian base. LIZ: He must have had orders from the Ministry. (The DOCTOR looks at her.) DOCTOR: And you knew? LIZ: (Sharply.) No! The government were frightened. They just couldn't take the risk. DOCTOR: But that's murder. They were an intelligent alien beings. A whole race of them. He's just wiped them out. (There is another explosion.) LIZ: (Sadly.) I know. (The DOCTOR puts the car into gear. Another explosion tears across the moorland and the DOCTOR looks up with anger on his face. In silence, he moves the car off as the fireball from the explosion rises into the moorland sky...)

Plan: A: Liz; Q: Who distributes the cure to the virus? A: the Doctor; Q: Who discovers the Silurians' plan? A: the Van Allen Belt; Q: What do the Silurians plan to destroy? Summary: While Liz distributes the cure to the virus, the Doctor discovers the Silurians now plan to wipe out humanity by destroying the Van Allen Belt.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are there, Joey is demonstrating a card trick.] Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks one) All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it? Monica: Um-mm. Joey: All right, give it back to me. (takes the card back, but he looks at the card before he puts it back in the deck, he holds the deck to his forehead, and thinks a little while) 5 of hearts. (Monica is sarcastically amazed.) Ross: Real magic does exist. Rachel: Wow. Monica: Wow. Joey, (sarcastically) how do you do it? Joey: I can't tell you that, no. (We hear some knocking coming from the ceiling.) Ross: Ah, somebody's at the door on the ceiling. Rachel: Noo, that's our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor. Monica: He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything. Phoebe: Why don't you go up there and ask him to 'step lightly, please?' Monica: I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him. Phoebe: Ooh, that is silly. (gets up) I'll go up there, I'll tell him to keep it down. Monica: All right, be my guest. Rachel: Good luck. (Phoebe exits) Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, I'll show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didn't see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. (picks up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (does it again) I just did it, again. Here, I'll slow it down so that you guys can see it. (looks and the card in slow motion) All: Oh, I got it. (We hear Phoebe knock at the door upstairs, and the guy answer it.) Phoebe: (muffled through the floor) Yeah, look I was with my friend downstairs and we hear everything up here that you do, and I am sick and tired... (I tired but the rest is unintelligible). Guy: (muffled) Whoa, you are very beautiful. Phoebe: (muffled) Oh, thank you. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Chandler: (entering) Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end? Monica: Honey, what's the matter? Chandler: I just saw Janice. All: Oh. Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid's pretzel at them. Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me. Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having s*x with both of them that afternoon. Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know.... Ross: Hey Chandler, there's a party tomorrow, you'll feel better then. Chandler: Oh, y'know what, I'm gonna be okay, you don't have to throw a party for me. Monica: It's Joey's birthday. Chandler: Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him. (We hear Phoebe's muffled voice through the ceiling.) Monica: Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up there. (We hear the guy telling a joke, and Phoebe laughing.) Chandler: Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, it's supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh. [Scene: Fortunata Fashions, Rachel's new job.] Mr. Kaplan: (entering) How's that coffee comin,' dear? Rachel: (jumping up from reading her magazine) Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan. Mr. Kaplan: I'm not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me gassy. Rachel: I know! Mr. Kaplan: I'll bet your thinking, 'What's an intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion, doing making coffee?' Eh? Rachel: Op. Mr. Kaplan: Eh. Rachel: Oh, you got me. Mr. Kaplan: Well, don't think I haven't noticed your potential. Well, I've got a project for you that's a lot more related to fashion. How does that sound? Rachel: Oh, that sounds great. Mr. Kaplan: Come on over here, sweetheart. (they walk over to a storage closet) Rachel: Oh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan, thank you so much. Mr. Kaplan: (opening the closet door revealing that it's full of tangled up hangers.) I need these hangers separated ASAP. (she is stunned) You're welcome. [Scene: The Moondance Diner, Rachel is talking to Monica about her job.] Rachel: Oh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it. Monica: I know honey, I'm sorry. Rachel: Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because it's remotely related to the field they're interested in. Monica: (gives her a look) Gee, I don't know Rach. Order up!! I got a Yentel soup, a James Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy! Rachel: Oh honey, come on, I'm sorry, I didn't.... I don't mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom. (A guy at the end of the table starts laughing.) Rachel: (to him) Hi! Is my misery amusing to you? Guy: I'm sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah.... (starts to laugh again) Rachel: It's not funny, this is actually my job. Guy: Oh believe me, I-I-I've been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus. Rachel: Oh well then, so I'm just going to go back to talking to my friend here. And you can go back to enjoying your little hamburger. Guy: Ah, just one other thing. Rachel: Yes?! Guy: I ah, I work at Bloomingdale's and I might know of a job possibility if your, if your interested? Rachel: (looks at Monica) (to him) Do you want my pickle? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it's Joey's party.] Gunther: (to Monica and Phoebe) Hey guys. Monica: Hey Gunther. Hi. (to Phoebe) I mean you're going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs? Phoebe: Well, he's very charming. Monica: I know, he's too charming, but if you two start going out, then it's just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him. Phoebe: Well, you're just gonna have to try. Monica: Joey, where are the Jell-o shots? Joey: I don't know, Chandler is supposed to be passin' 'em around... (Camera cuts to show Chandler giving a Jello shot to the ceramic dog and holding an empty tray of Jello shots.) Joey: Chandler! Chandler: Hello-dillillio!! Ross: Oh, somebody's feeling better. Monica: (to Chandler) Stick out your tongue. Chandler: (to Monica) Take off your shirt! (Chandler sticks out is tongue and it's a horrible shade of green.) Monica: Oh my!! Joey: Oh my God! How many of these things did you have? These are pure vodka. Chandler: Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make. Rachel: (entering, to Ross) The most unbelievable thing happened to me today. Ross: Hi! Rachel: Hi! So I'm out having lunch at Monica's and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale's and there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and he's gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview! Ross: Wow! Rachel: I know! Ross: What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason? Rachel: Uh-huh! Ross: And he's, he's a total stranger? Rachel: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something. Ross: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some s*x. Rachel: What!? Ross: Well, I'm just saying, I mean why else would he just, y'know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason. Rachel: To be nice. Ross: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason? Joey: No, only for s*x. Ross: Thank you. (to Rachel) So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me? Rachel: I didn't have to, because I was wearing my 'I heart Ross' sandwich board and ringing my bell. Ross: Uh-huh. Joey's Sisters: (entering) Joey!!! Happy Birthday!! (all 7 of them look almost identical) Joey: Hey!! Hey-hey-hey! Chandler: (to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing? Monica: How hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joey's sisters. Chandler: Hi Joey's sisters! Phoebe: (to one of his sisters, Cookie) Hey! Cookie: Hey. What are we drinkin' over here. Phoebe: Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry juice. Cookie: No kiddin,' that's the exact same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband. Phoebe: Wow. Okay, I don't know how to talk to you. (Cut to Chandler) Sister 1: (to Chandler) What 'cha doing? Chandler: Oh, I'm taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer. Joey's Sisters: Oh!! Chandler: No-no-no-no, no, it's a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can't we savor the precious moments? (to one of Joey's sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have. (Cut to Ross and Monica) Ross: Hi. Monica: Hi. Ross: Yeah. So um, I-I heard about this ah, Mark guy that ah, Rachel met today. Monica: Isn't that great? Ross: Oh yeah! So ah, kinda pretty, pretty good. He sounds like a nice, good guy. Monica: Oh, he is. And he is so dreamy. I mean, y'know what, when he left I actually used the phrase, 'Hummina-hummina-hummina.' (walks away) Ross: That's excellent. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.] Ross: (to Rachel) So, he's just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesn't want anything in exchange for helping him? Rachel: Well, I assume I'll have to take showers with him, but y'know, that's true of any job. (Chandler enters hungover and groaning) Monica: How ya feelin'? Chandler: Well, my apartment isn't there anymore, because I drank it. Phoebe: Where'd you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents. Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone. All: Woooo hoooo!!! Chandler: Ow, no 'woo-hooing,' no 'woo-hooing.' Phoebe: Why, what happened? Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joey's sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, that's not the worst part. Monica: What is the worse part? Chandler: I can't remember which sister. Ross: (to Rachel) You see what men do! Don't tell me men are not nice! (points to Chandler) This is men!! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Monica: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to kill you, he's actually going to kill you dead. Chandler: Okay! You don't think I thought of that? Phoebe: How can you not know which one? Rachel: I mean that's unbelievable. Monica: I mean, was it Gina? Ross: Which one is Gina? Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings. Monica: No, no, no, that's Dina. Chandler: (to Monica) You see you can't tell which one is which either, dwha!! Phoebe: We didn't fool around with any of them. Dwha! Dwha! Chandler: Veronica. Look, it's got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat. Monica: That was me. Chandler: Look, when I've been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I'm sorry. Monica: That's okay. Rachel: That's all right. Ross: That's okay. Joey: (angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to you for a second?! Ross: Hey, Joey. Rachel: Hey. (they all walk away from Chandler) Joey: Come on!! (motions for Chandler to come with him) Chandler: Why can't we talk in here? With, with, witnesses. Joey: I just got off the phone with my sister. Ross: Ah, which, which one? Joey: Mary-Angela. Ross: Mary-Angela. Joey: Yeah. Monica: Y'know which one was she again? Joey: Why don't you ask Chandler, 'cause he's the one that fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that true? Or are you just gettin' over Janice by groping my sister. Chandler: It's gotta be the first one. Joey: Really? That's great! You and my sister, sittin' in a tree. Chandler: Yep, I'm in a tree. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is writing letters as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Did he call? Did Mark call? Monica: No honey, I'm sorry, but the weekend's not over yet. Rachel: Oh. (we hear laughing from the upstairs apartment) Oh my God, is that Phoebe? Monica: I guess they're back from their date. (He starts to play music.) Rachel: Music. Very nice. (We hear them start making out upstairs.) Monica: Oh my God! Rachel: So, how are you? Monica: I am good. I finished my book. (Things start to get really hot upstairs.) Rachel: Oh yeah, what's it about? Monica: I don't remember. Do you wanna take a walk? Rachel: Yeah, I do. (they both run out) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading a letter that Chandler wrote.] Ross: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. How's it going. This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. (to Chandler) What the hell's a matter with you? How do you think Joey's going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter? Chandler: Well, that's the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually I'll be in Cuba. Ross: All right, look, look, you've got to do this yourself, okay in person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela, okay, when which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy. Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela? Ross: Where in Cuba? [Scene: Joey's sister's house, Chandler hits himself on the head three times and knocks on the door three times. Joey answers it.] Chandler: (shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here? Joey: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you? Chandler: I'm here to see Mary-Angela. Joey: You are so the man! (motions him to come in, and he does) Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, 'cause my Grandma doesn't know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah. Chandler: Where's Mary-Angela? Joey: She's right in there. (motions to the living room) (Chandler walks into the living room, and sees all of Joey's sisters, all wearing red.) Joey's Sisters: Hey, Chandler! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.] Rachel: I can't believe Mark didn't call. It's Sunday night, and he didn't call. Ross: Bummer. Rachel: (to Ross) Yeah, right. Look at you, you're practically giddy. Ross: No, I'm genuinely sorry the Mark thing didn't work out. Look, Rach, I want only good things for you. Monica: Wait a minute, why don't you just call Mark. (they both look up in shock) I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him, you've got to make stuff happen. Ross: But, you, you don't want to seem too pushy. Monica: (to Ross) Honey, it's not pushy, he gave her his home number. Ross: (to Rachel, as she gets his number) What, he gave you his home number? As in like, to, to his home? Rachel: Yeah, and you don't mind if I call, because you only want good things for me. Ross: That's right good things, that-that is what I said. (glances at Monica) Rachel: (on phone) Hello, Mark? Hi, it's Rachel Green. (listens) Oh no, don't you apologize. (listens) Yeah, I'll hold. (to Monica and Ross) He left my number at work, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers. Ross: That is so made up! Rachel: (on phone) Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow! That, no, it's perfect. Oh God, thank you soo much. Great! Bye! (hangs up phone) I got the interview! Monica: Yay! Ross: There you go. Rachel: He even offered to meet me for lunch tomorrow to prep me for it. Monica: Oh, that is amazing! Ross: Yeah well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, I'd expect nothing less. Rachel: I got to figure out what I'm going to wear. Ross: High collar and baggy pants say I'm a pro. Rachel: Yeah! Right! Okay, I'll see you guys later. (starts to leave) Woo hoo! Ross: You go get 'em. (to Monica) What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way? Monica: What? Ross: 'Why don't you call him?!' Well, thank you very much! Y'know now he is going to prep her, y'know prep her, as in what you do when you surgically remove the boyfriend! Monica: Are you crazy?! Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal. Monica: What?! Ross y'know this isn't even about you! I mean this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if you're right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too? Ross: No. Monica: I mean don't you trust her? Ross: Well, yeah! Monica: Then get over yourself! Grow up! Ross: (shyly) You grow up. [Scene: Joey's sister's house, they're finishing up dinner.] Chandler: This teramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela? Joey's Grandmother: No! I did! Chandler: Well, it's, it's yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it? Joey's Grandmother: Of course! It's her favorite. Chandler: So um, Mary-Angela, what's your second favorite? Joey's Grandmother: More of Grandma's teramisu. Chandler: Would you just please....give me the receipt 'cause this is great. It's top notch. Joey's Grandmother: That dies with me. Chandler: So will I. Joey's Sister: Excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom. Chandler: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesn't mean anything. Joey's Sister: (whispering in his ear) Just do it. Chandler: Will you excuse me I have to um..... (walks to the hall) [Cut to the hall, Joey's sister runs up and grabs Chandler's butt.] Chandler: (startled) Hey! Joey's Sister: Finally, I thought we'd never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. (kisses him) Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and I'm not really in a, in a commitment kind of place. Joey's Sister: So! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right you do have the softest lips. Chandler: Ahhhh, you're not Mary-Angela. Joey's Sister: No, I'm Mary-Theresa. Chandler: This is so bad. If-if you're not Mary-Angela, then-then who is? Mary-Angela: (standing behind Chandler) I am! Chandler: Oh, this is soo bad. (doesn't see Mary-Angela) Mary-Angela: Joey!!! Chandler: No Joey! No Joey! Don't Joey! Joey! Joey: What's goin' on? Chandler: (pats him on the shoulder) You're it! Now run and hide! Mary-Theresa: It's no big deal. Chandler was just kissin' me because he thought I was Mary-Angela. Joey: What?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela? Chandler: I wasn't sure which one Mary-Angela was. (all of Joey's sisters gasp) Look, I'm sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar. Joey's Sister: I say, punch him Joey. All: Yeah! Punch him!! Chandler: Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brother's not going to punch me. (to Joey) Are ya? Joey: Well, that is usually what I would do. But I just never thought you'd be on the receiving end of it. How could you do this?! Chandler: Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, you're my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again. Cookie: So what. I say, punch him. All: Yeah! Punch him! Punch him! Joey: No! No! No! No, I'm not going to punch Chandler. Cookie: I'll do it. Joey: No you won't. Look he knows he did a terrible thing and I believe him, he's sorry. But, (to Chandler) you've got one more apology to make, all right, you've got to apologize to Mary-Angela. Chandler: Okay, absolutely! Joey: All right. Chandler: You've got it. (he starts to look at his sister's, but he still doesn't know which one is Mary-Angela.) Joey: Cookie, now you can punch him! Chandler: What?! (Cookie punches him) [Scene: A lobby, Ross is waiting for Rachel, after her interview.] Rachel: (getting of the elevator and noticing Ross) Hey! Ross: Hi! Rachel: What are you doing here? Ross: Ah y'know, this building is on my paper route so I... (gives her a flower) Rachel: Oh. Ross: Hi. (kisses her) Rachel: Hi. Ross: How'd did it go? Rachel: Oh well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but y'know thank God Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall line, she got all happy and wouldn't shut up. Ross: I'm so proud of you. Rachel: Me too! Ross: Listen, I'm ah, I'm sorry I've been so crazy and jealous and, it's just that I like you a lot, so... Rachel: I know. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. Mark: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. (turns around) Hi Mark! Mark: Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you. You got it, you got the job. Rachel: Oh, I did! Mark: Yes. Rachel: (to Ross) Oh my God!! (she turns around and hugs Mark, not Ross) Ross: Congratu!! (sees her hug Mark) -lations-lations. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The entire gang is there.] Monica: So ah, Phoebe, how was your date? Phoebe: Oh well y'know. (laughs) Monica: Yeah, I do know. Phoebe: Ick, you were eavesdropping. Rachel: Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down. Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. But I really like this guy. And I think he really happens to like me. (We hear the sound of a bed creaking through the ceiling, and him moaning.) Ross: Maybe he's just jumping on a pogo-stick and really likes it? (We hear a women start moaning.) Ross: Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too? Joey: All right, that's it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. (gets up) This guy is going to get the butt kicking of a lifetime! (stops and turns around and asks Rachel) But, is he a big guy? Ross: Ah, we'll all go. (motions to Chandler) Come on. (the guys leave) Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Thank you. Chandler: Don't worry. Phoebe: God, I hope they kick his ass! Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry. Monica: Y'know if it's any consolation, he really did sound like he was having more fun with you. (Rachel nods in agreement) (We the guys knock on the door upstairs, and the guy answering it.) Guy: (muffled) May I help you? (We hear the guys start to attack him, but the guy manages to calm them down and gets them to agree to what he did. Monica throws up her hands in disgust.)

Plan: A: Rachel; Q: Who is frustrated with her new job? A: Phoebe; Q: Who confronts the noisy neighbor? A: Phoebe's intimate upstairs activities; Q: What do Monica and Rachel hear from Phoebe's apartment? A: all day; Q: How long does Rachel make coffee? A: the diner; Q: Where does Rachel vent her frustration? A: Mark; Q: Who tells Rachel about the job opening at Bloomingdale's? A: an interview; Q: What does Mark arrange for Rachel? A: Ross; Q: Who suspects Mark has ulterior motives for recommending Rachel? Summary: Monica and Rachel's noisy upstairs neighbor is excessively charming. Phoebe confronts him about the noise and ends up dating him. The Monica and Rachel become uncomfortable when they later hear all of Phoebe's intimate upstairs activities. Rachel is frustrated with her new job of making coffee all day and sorting hangers. When Rachel vents her frustration to Monica at the diner, a customer named Mark mentions a vacancy in his department at Bloomingdale's and arranges an interview. Rachel gets the job, but Ross suspects Mark has ulterior motives for recommending her. A drunken Chandler fools around with one of Joey's sisters, but later cannot remember which one, angering Joey.

[Scene: Jen has her hands over Dawson's eyes as she leads him from the front door through Grams' house and into the kitchen.] Jen: Ok, stop stepping. Stop, ok. Ok, there we go. No peeking. No peeking. Dawson: I'm-- I'm not peekin'. Trust me. Jen: Cheaters never prosper. [Both laugh] Jen: Ok. Ok, curve to the right. Curve to the right. Dawson: This way? Jen: Ok. Now we're comin'-- Dawson: [Jen runs him into the door.] ow! Duh. Jen: Sorry. Dawson: It's ok. Jen: It was the door. Dawson: Yeah. Jen: Ok, there's a chair. Ok, sit down in the chair. Sit down in the chair. Ok. All right. Open your eyes. Dawson: Ok, you realize for the "hands over the eyes" game to work the present has to be on the table, right? Jen: You realize that to criticize the method in which the presents are presented means that you will never get presents again. Dawson: You're very pretty. Jen: All right. Since it is your big day, and we missed the requisite back-to-school shopping-- Dawson: You mean like the sale at old navy? Jen: Right, because nothing smells more like the first day of school than cheap fleece, um, but I was thinking more along the lines of the basics. Number one, number two pencils. Dawson: Aw, a classic. Jen: Pencil sharpener. Loose-leaf binder paper. Little reinforcement tabbies for loose-leaf binder paper. Dawson: Impressive. Very good. Jen: Pens. Erasers. Erasers. Um, and a ruler. Dawson: No math at film school, but I appreciate the thought. Jen: And finally, la piece de la resistance. [Jen pulls an "E.T." trapper keeper from the bag.] Dawson: Oh, my god. Jen: [Laughs] I really wanted to get some Reese's pieces so I could put 'em in the little plastic pencil holder thingie, but I felt like it would be too much. Dawson: Nice show of restraint on your part. [Laughs] Thank you, Jen. Jen: So, are you a little nervous? Dawson: No, not at all. It's three classes, you know? Nothing too overwhelming, which is the key. Jen: Yeah, that's good. You're just gonna ease right into it. That rigorous college schedule of napping and drinking. Dawson: That's the plan. What, uh, time is your show? Jen: Um... uh, it's really soon is what it is. Um, I should actually finish getting ready. Uh, will you meet me later for lunch? Dawson: I would love to. [Dawson walks around the counter and kisses Jen goodbye.] Jen: Baby, I gotta go. Dawson: Ok. Ok. Jen: Wait! Baby, baby. You forgot your trapper keeper. Dawson: Oh. An oversight on my part. Couldn't want to leave the house without this. Jen: Mmm. [Giggles] Dawson: Thank you. Jen: Bye-bye. [Giggles] [Dawson walks towards the front door.] Jen: Have a good day at school, sweetie. [Giggles] [Turns around and whispers] He's so cute! [Opening Credits] [Scene: Joey and Elliot are having a discussion in her dorm room.] Elliot: Admit it. It's one step above a Jackie Collins novel. It's all smut and no substance. Joey: Well, I didn't realize you were so familiar with Jackie's work. I mean, don't be ashamed or anything. Elliot: Don't go changing the subject doin' your little hair flippy thing, tryin' to distract me. I'm wise to your ways, Potter. Joey: [Laughs] I'm sorry. What were we talking about again? Elliot: [Sighs] I just want you to admit that the only reason you like Professor Wilder's book is because you think he's cute. Joey: Well, I can't, because that's not true. It is painfully obvious that the only reason you don't like his book is because you think it's affecting your mojo with the ladies. Elliot: Well, that shows how little you know me. I have no mojo to speak of. Joey: I think you have a little. Elliot: So, can I ask you a question? Joey: You can. Ok. On Friday night, unless you're busy, and I know it's only Monday, but, you know, sometimes people, like, make plans for trips or something kind of early, so-- Elliot? Would you maybe want to see something? Or... eat something? With me? Joey: Are you asking me to dinner and a movie? Elliot: Kind of, but dinner and a movie just sounded so... date, you know? And this way, you know, it sounded much better. To me... in my mind. Joey: I would love to... eat and see something with you on Friday. Really? [Audrey walks in wearing shades and immediately turns her head away from Joey and Elliot.] Audrey: Whoa! Whoa! Am I interrupting? Are there naked people in here? Joey: No! Audrey: [Turns to face them] Oh. Bummer. Well, well, well. Looking swanky! Do I detect some product in your hair? Are we moussing? Elliot: You know, that's my cue, so... uh, I'll see you in class. Joey: I'll be there. Elliot: Bye, Audrey. [Joey and Audrey stare at Elliot as he exists the room.] Audrey: Hmm. Someone's got a boyfriend. Joey: Audrey, your elementary school methods of taunting aren't gonna work this time. Audrey: Who's got a boyfriend? Joey's got a boyfriend! [Leans over and tickles Joey.] Joey: Ok, ok, tickle me one more time, I swear I will bite you. Audrey: Seriously, Joey. What's going on with you and nice guy? Is he, like, your steady or what? Joey: His name is Elliot, first of all. He's not my boyfriend. I have no boyfriend. We're just... getting to know each other. Audrey: But you like him? Joey: What's not to like? He's A...[they both reply at the same time] nice guy. Audrey: Nice guy. Audrey: Oh! [Laughs] Joey: Bye. [Gets up and leaves.] [Scene: Frat House. Jen walks through the front door in a sexy dress/skirt, wearing black boots. She makes her way towards Jack, walking around and stepping over some of the frat brothers. Jack is shooting pool with one of his brothers. Jack and Jen start up a conversation.] Jen: [Slightly leans over the pool table.] Oh! Jack, why do I feel like all the boys are looking at me? Jack: Well, because all the boys are looking at you. Jen: Oh. Listen, as much as I enjoy being your very own personal postal service worker, I feel like it's time that you should start forwarding your mail the old-fashioned way. Jack: Ok. Thanks, Jen. I'll, uh, I'll get to that today. Jen: Ok. And, uh... this letter came for you, which looks kind of official. It's from a college, so I thought... Jack: [opens and reads the letter.] hmm. Hey, come on, you wanna play? Jen: Jack, you are on academic probation! Jack: Sure, Jen, you can read my mail. I have no problem with that. Jen: Well, I'm sorry, but, oh, my god, what happened? What were your grades? Jack: I failed a few classes. Jen: A few?! Jack: Yeah, it's no big deal. I'll make it up this term. Jen: Yeah, but when they put you on academic probation-- Jack: Jen! You can play, you can go. [Jen walks off.] [Scene: Dawson walks down the sidewalk on campus observing the scenery. Different buildings are shown as Dawson circles. He looks to be astonished by what he sees. He walks into the V.A.B. building.] [Scene: Oliver is upstairs in the V.A.B. building leaning over a fellow students shoulder looking and discussing something on a computer screen.] Oliver: So, it's better now, right? Ok. [Turns and looks over the banister and sees Dawson.] Oliver: [Shouts] Hey! Dawson leery! Dawson: [Shouts] Oliver, right? Oliver: Like you don't remember. [Walks downstairs.] Hey! So... you're here. You've chosen. Fantastic. Dawson: Thanks for the tip. Oliver: Don't mention it. Now, let me fill you in on some of the basics of our little school. Dawson: Cool. Oliver: I heard the, uh-- the girl with the braids? Claims to have done the nasty with Tarantino, like that's an accomplishment, right? [Laughs] Dawson: I think she heard you. Oliver: Now, the guy with the beret? Amazing D.P. Picasso with his lighting. Too bad his ego's the size of a small country. Dawson: [Talking to the bad ego guy.]Hi. I'm new here. Oliver: Mmm. Now, the guy up there, wrote and directed the worst piece of dreck ever to come out of a film school! Dawson: You know what? I'll just--I'm just gonna, uh... introduce myself around. Oliver: Ok. Hey. Hey. Whatever floats your boat. [Scene: Radio Station. Jen is taking radio callers while she plays with her stuffed bear and smells the flowers on her console.] Jen: Well, for those of you who have tuned in expecting to hear Nick Drake: Get with the program, people. I've been doing this for weeks. This is Jen Lindley, and I'm here to answer any questions that you may have concerning matters of the heart. Or the groin. Caller number one, you're on the air. Audrey: [Talks on the phone while she does her yoga exercises.] Uh, Jen, hi. Audrey Liddell here. Ok, my question of the day is this: Why do guys do anything to get your phone number, but once they have it never use it properly? I mean, why do they only use it for a booty call? Oh, and footnote: Where does the term "booty call" come from? I mean, if "booty" means "s*x," why don't people ever say, "let's go have booty"? Jen: Oh, first of all, uh, I just wanna reiterate, Audrey, that you don't have to use your full name every time that you call in to the radio show, because it's supposed to be confidential. Audrey: Yeah, well, I have nothing to hide, sugarplum. Jen: Secondly, callers, your questions do not have to be relegated to topics of a sexual nature. There is so much more to life than... booty. There's love and... romance and tenderness... Audrey: Are you done with the public service announcement? Great. Ok, so here's what happened. Saturday night, I'm wearing my new vin baker boots. I'm looking good. I meet this guy--let's just call him buttface. Jen: Audrey, I'm gonna stop you right there, 'cause I already know what's wrong. Audrey: You do? Jen: You are just bathing in negative energy. You've lost the love. Audrey: I've lost the what? Jen: The love. And you should find it, you should nurture it, and you should share your laughter and a warm cup of tea with a man who is worthy of loving you in return. Audrey: You want me to have tea with a worthy man? Jen: I don't wanna see you close the door on possibilities, Audrey. I wanna see you open up. Let the sunshine in. Audrey: Ok. I'm sorry. I wanted to talk to Jennifer Lindley. Jen: Caller number two: You're on the air. [Scene: Jack is standing in the foyer of the Frat House while holding a football.] Jack: Hey, what's up, dude? You wanna play a little mud football with us? Blossom: Oh, can't. Got a lady comin' over. Oh, speakin' of which, I heard you had a cute little number over here this morning. Blonde, petite? Jack: Yeah, that was just Jen, the walking buzzkill. And she's taken, by the way. Blossom: What? You two have another argument? Jack: Nah, she just came over to harass me about my grades. Blossom: What's to harass? I thought our man McPhee was on the honor roll back in high school. Jack: I was. I was. But now I'm on academic probation. [Chuckles] Who says men can't change, right? Blossom: Dude, you're on academic probation? That's not cool. Jack: No worries. I'll make it up this term. Blossom: Yeah. You will. You see, we can't have our nibs failing out the first semester. That makes us look bad. I'm gonna have the dean breathing down my neck, and I don't need that. Jack: I said I'll make it up, all right? You don't have to worry about it. Blossom: Well, I hope not. Maybe you should be studying instead of playin' football. We got a quiz in Soc. comin' up, don't we? Jack: I don't see you studying. Blossom: Well, that's because I'm not on academic probation. [Scene: Dawson, Oliver, and classmates sitting in theater seats while watching a film for class.] Dawson: What is this? Oliver: My new script. Dawson: Cool. You want me to read it? Oliver: Even better. I want you to direct it. Dawson: Oh, I can't--I'm not lookin' for-- Oliver: no, no, no. Read it. Wilder: Quiet. Oliver: Then we'll talk. Dawson: All right. Oliver: Awesome trapper keeper! Dawson: Thanks. [Scene: Joey is walking down the campus sidewalk and Elliot shoots out of no where.] Elliot: H-how do you feel about Indian food? Joey: Excuse me? Elliot: For Friday. Some people have a problem with curry. I'm not one of them, but if you don't enjoy Nan, then, really, what's the point? Joey: You are so odd. Elliot: Am I too odd? Joey: No! [Laughs] I'll keep you posted. Wilder: You're both late for my class. Joey: So are you. Wilder: Good point. Hello, Elliot. Elliot: Hey, professor. Uh, I'm gonna get goin' now. Joey: Ok. Bye. [Joey starts heading to class.] Wilder: You, wait. I have news on the Lazare front. Joey: Uh-oh. Good news or news that means I'll be in the files all weekend? Wilder: Oh, how quickly they turn. We're finished. Or, rather, you're finished. I now plan on benefiting from the fruits of your hard labor by getting published in an obscure journal that no one, not even my mother, will wind up reading. So, what do you say? Joey: About what? You know, for an English teacher, you don't talk too good. Wilder: Dinner, Friday night. I'm taking you all out to celebrate. Was that better? Joey: Much. Wilder: Good. It's gonna be fancy, so wear your best jeans. Joey: Not a problem. I'll be there. Wilder: Great. And now you're officially late for my class. Tsk, tsk, tsk. What are we gonna do with you, Joey Potter? Joey: Friday night. [Talking to herself.] [Scene: Jen and Dawson are talking in Grams' kitchen] Jen: So, are you gonna talk to Oliver today? You've been puttin' it off all week. Dawson: I know. I know. Jen: I mean, is the script really that bad? Dawson: No. I don't hate it at all. There's a lot of really good stuff in there. I have a couple ideas how to make it better. Jen: Naturally. Dawson: But there's no point in getting into it, because I'm not gonna direct it, so-- Jen: but I don't see why, I mean, if the script isn't bad? Dawson: It's not my script. I mean, I don't know how to direct somebody else's words. I don't even want to. I wanna do my own stuff. Jen: Oh, that's cool. So, do you have, um, some unproduced material lying around that I just haven't heard about? Dawson: That's not the point. The point is I don't wanna direct anything right now. A project like that completely takes over your life, and my life is just starting to feel normal, you know. I'm not ready to make that kind of commitment to a film. Especially somebody else's film. Jen: Oh, I see. Dawson: I know what you're doin'. I've been to therapy. I know the tricks. Jen: Ok. As the supportive girlfriend, I am required to tell you when you have that look in your eyes, and... you've got a twinkle. Dawson: Or maybe that's just 'cause I'm around you. Jen: Oh, naturally, I contribute to the twinkle, but I do not take full credit for the twinkle. Dawson, you like this script, so why don't you just talk to him? Why don't you just see what he has to say? Dawson: I'll think about it. Jen: Ok, I gotta go. My producer wants to talk to me before the show. Dawson: Ok. Still on for lunch? Jen: Absolutely. Dawson: Cool. [Laughs] Come here! [Scene: Scented candles burning in the fore front, Pacey waiting impatiently while Audrey is finishing her yoga workout and Joey is sitting at her desk.] Pacey: Carpooling to work was a mistake. I see that now. Audrey: [Exhales loudly] Don't get your panties all in a bunch. I'm finished. Anyway, we can't leave until we help Joey with her little dilemma. Pacey: What dilemma? Joey: Nothing. Audrey: Joey made two dates for the same night. Joey: Audrey? When my eyes bug out like this, what does that mean in your world? Pacey: How very Marcia Brady of you, Jo. So, tell me. Who are the lucky contestants? Audrey: Well, behind door number one, we have nice guy. Joey: His name is Elliot, for god's sake. Audrey: A sweet young lad who's quite smitten with our Joey. Cute, funny, wears sweater vests, which is the only strike against him thus far. Pacey: That's bad. Audrey: So, who's behind door number two? Joey: Can we not do this? Audrey: Ah, yes, the professor. The forbidden fruit, if you will. Joey: He's not fruit. He's my teacher, and it's not a date, it's an academic group activity with the entire-- Audrey: well, which doesn't mean that it couldn't end up with date-like circumstances, the two of you wrapped around each other like squid. Joey: Oh, beautiful image, Audrey, but not one that I'm entertaining. And if I were to cancel on Elliot tonight, it would only be to further my academic career. Pacey: Oh. Hey, now, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you already way ahead of the curve on the academic career? The only thing you don't have goin' for you right now is a social life, right? Joey: I have a social life. Well, what is this? Socializing. Audrey: All right, listen. I'm all for you bedding down with a gorgeous professor. Pacey: Oh, yeah. Been there, done that. It's good. Audrey: But, quite frankly, I don't think you have the guts. Which is fine, because nice guy has serious boyfriend potential. Which means that there's no reason not to go out with him. Unless... unless... Joey: Unless what? Audrey: Well, unless you're not ready for a boyfriend yet. Joey: Why wouldn't I be ready for a boyfriend? Audrey: Boyfriends are time-consuming things, and... some people think that they're ready, but they're not, and... it's not just going to dinner a bunch of times and gettin' greasy afterwards. Pacey: It's not? Audrey: No! It's letting your guard down. You know, getting past the small talk and really allowing yourself to be intimate with somebody new. Are you really sure that you're ready to do that? Joey: Yes. 100% ready. Audrey: Ok. Great. Then I guess you'll be going out with nice guy tonight. Joey: Ok. Pacey: Let's go. [Scene: Jack walking up the sidewalk to the Frat House and some of the Frat Brothers are out on the lawn.] Blossom: Hey, McPhee! Jack: Hey. Blossom: So, what did I miss? Jack: Not much. We got our quizzes back. Blossom: Oh, yeah? How'd you do? [Jack displays the 'A' on his quiz.] Oh, nice! Jack: Nice! Blossom: Yeah. Jack: Glad you approve. Blossom: Hey. Look, I didn't mean to get all up in your face before. I was just lookin' out for you. You know I got your back, right? Jack: Really? 'Cause it didn't feel like you had my back. It felt more like you were on it. Blossom: You took it wrong, then. Hey, how 'bout we do it up right tonight? You know? Celebrate your accomplishment. What do you say? Jack: Yeah. All right. Sounds good. Blossom: All right? Let's go tell the boys. Jack: Yeah. All right. [Scene: Film classroom.] Professor: And, uh, whoever checked out "Fear and Desire" from the video library, would they please return it so others can finish their papers? Woman: [Looking at Dawson's "E.T." trapper keeper] Mmm? Dawson: It was a gift. Professor: I'll see you on Monday. Oliver: Did you read my script yet? Dawson: Oliver. Um...yeah. Oliver: Great! I have a, uh, preliminary shooting schedule here. It's flexible. Dawson: You know, Oliver. I can't do it. I'm sorry. Oliver: Y-you can't do it? Why? How? Y-you have to do it, Dawson. Y-you're the only one who can do it. Dawson: I'm flattered, but, uh, it-- it's complicated. Oliver: What? Th-the story? It's supposed to be. D-did you not understand the--the flashbacks? W-w-were they not clear enough, or-- Dawson: No, that's not what I meant. Um... although, the flashbacks I... don't think you need. You're usin' them as a crutch. I think you can tell the story without them. Oliver: Was that a note? Dawson: Sure. Oliver: Do you have... notes on my script? Dawson: A few. Oliver: Yeah. All right. Let's go. Dawson: Where? Oliver: Lunch. Dawson: Ok. I've got plans with my girlfriend, so-- Oliver: And bring your notes. Dawson: All right. [Scene: Citizens Restaurant. Jen is sitting on the counter eating garnish while Pacey is working.] Jen: This is completely unbelievable. Pacey: Yeah, I know. If Danny found you in here, I'd be fired. Jen: How can they think that I've lost my edge? I am nothing but edge, Pacey. I am razor sharp, baby. Pacey: And yet here you are, eating garnish. So, what's the problem? Jen: I don't know. My producer called me in and told me that my shows this week have been terrible. And that if I don't go back to doing things the way that I was doing them before, that they're gonna cancel me. Pacey: Before what? Jen: I don't know before what. Before... me and Dawson. Pacey: Ah. And the clouds part. Jen: But that makes absolutely no sense, because I was miserable then, and I'm happy now. Pacey: It makes perfect sense to me. Nobody likes happy people. Jen: But if you--if you had a relationship question, wouldn't you rather talk to somebody who was in... a healthy, loving relationship? Pacey: Hell, no. I always prefer to get my advice from people who are far more dysfunctional than I am. That way I feel good about my life. Jen: Fine. Fine. Ok. If that's what the people want, if they want me to be nasty and sarcastic, I can do that. I just need something that's gonna take me there. Pacey, say something disgusting. Pacey: Sure, would you prefer sexist or just downright vulgar? [Cell phone rings] Jen: Hold that thought. Hello. Hello, my little pumpkin. Pacey: Oh, you are so fired. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey is in her dorm holding a telephone in her hand.] [Knock on door] Elliot: Hey. I was wondering if 7:00's too early. I know we said 7:30, but I was afraid we might miss the movie. Joey: Actually, Elliot, I was... I was just about to call you. Elliot: Is everything ok? Joey: Everything's fine. Um... I think I might be coming down with something. Elliot: Oh. Joey: And I wanted to wait and see how I felt, you know, because I really wanted to go tonight. Elliot: Right. Of course. Joey: But my-- my throat's all scratchy and... Elliot: Well... I don't want you to get sick. Joey: And I don't wanna get you sick. Elliot: Yeah. That, too. Joey: So, anyway, I--I think it would be better if I... stayed home and went to bed early. Elliot: Yeah. That's definitely the right thing to do. Joey: I'm sorry this is so last-minute. Elliot: You couldn't have known you were gonna get sick, right? You should get some rest and drink plenty of fluids. Maybe we can do it again some other time or something. Joey: [In a whispered tone] Absolutely. Ok. Elliot: Great. Well... feel better. Bye. [Elliot walks off] [Joey closes the door and lies down on her bed.] [Scene: Grams house. Jen is sitting on her bed reading through adult magazines.] Jen: You're still wearing a training bra. Why breast implants may be the right choice for you. Oh, man. I got nothin'. But I really like those shoes. Dawson: Ok, those aren't mine. Jen: I have lost my edge. I am about to lose my show, and it's all your fault. Dawson: How, exactly? Jen: Well, because-- because you made me happy, and now I'm boring. I'm happy and I'm boring. Are you proud of yourself? Dawson: You look so cute with a Penthouse on your lap. Jen: Dawson, this is serious. This is a problem. Dawson: I've got a better problem. Oliver wants to come to dinner with us. Jen: What? You've already spent all day with him. Dawson: I know. I know. But we haven't really gone over the notes. We've only gotten through, like, half the script. Jen: Oh, baby. Are you gonna do the movie? Dawson: No. Well, I... I haven't really decided yet, but probably not. Jen: Well, then, I don't understand why he has to come to dinner with us. Dawson: He doesn't. You just say the word and I'll tell him to forget about it. Jen: No, it's fine. He can come. Oliver: [Peeking head up the stairs.] See? I told you she wouldn't mind. Nice p0rn. Oh. Ok. You gotta... fine. I'll just... [Oliver leaves the room.] Dawson: [Sighs] I told him to wait downstairs. [Scene: Citizens restaurant. Jack is drinking at the bar while his fraternity brothers are having drinks across the room.] Waitress: Startin' a little early, aren't we? Jack: They don't call it happy hour for nothin', right? Eric: Hey. Hey. Cut our boy some slack here. He's had a little bit of a rough week, huh? Jack: He has? Eric: Academic probation? Hmm? Sucks to be you, dude. I also heard blossom ripped you a new one, too. Jack: Yeah? Who'd you hear that from? Eric: I don't know. Everyone, I guess. It's hard to keep a secret among brothers, right? Jack: You mean it's hard for you guys not to talk trash about your friends. Eric: Hey, we gotta know where you stand so we know whether or not it's cool to take you out. That's all. Jack: Oh, so it's a conditional brotherhood now? Eric: Mm-hmm. Jack: Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's good to know. Thanks. Eric: Come on, man. We'll still like ya even if you are a little stupid. We'll just, uh, we'll use fewer syllables around you. How about that, huh? [Eric walks off.] [Stares over at his partying frat brothers.] Jack: [To the bar attendee] Hey. Give me another one. [Scene: Professor Wilder and his students are walk out of some restaurant.] Wilder: So, did I, uh, did I leave you guys enough time for your real Friday night fun? Oh, you thought when you suggested dinner at 6:00 that I wouldn't get it? Yeah. Ok, go. Go. Keggers await. Students: Thank you very much. Thanks. Wilder: You're welcome. [Students walk off] And you, Joey Potter, where are you off to this fine evening? Joey: Oh, nowhere. Just back to the dorms. Wilder: Oh. Well, then you're walking in my direction. [Joey accepts Professor Wilders awaiting arm.] [Scene: Joey and Professor Wilder walking down the sidewalk.] Joey: No, you're wrong. I finished it in one sitting. That must mean something. Wilder: Yeah, it means I wrote a bathroom book. You'll finish it before you flush. Joey: I'm serious. I thought it was honest and complex. Ok, maybe not complex. But riveting. I mean, especially the part about the girl. That...that was beautiful. Wilder: Actually, that's my favorite part. Joey: Was she based on a real person? Because I figured out which one of the guys is you. You're Michael, right? Wilder: Yeah. What gave it away? Oh, right. That would be the bad writing. [Scene: Dawson, Jen, and Oliver are eating and talking in a cafe/restaurant.] Dawson: It's not relevant to the story. Oliver: How can you say it's not relevant? It explains why she's afraid to be loved. It's called back story. Hello? Dawson: It's called unnecessary. You don't need to be hit over the head with subtext. Jen: When I read it-- Oliver: How can I trust you? You don't even like the ending. Dawson: I like the ending. I'm just not convinced it's the best way to go. Jen: That's because it's actually not the best way-- Dawson: Besides, you said you would think about it. Oliver: I thought about it, and it's a bad idea. Dawson: When did you think about that? I've been with you all day. Jen: Would anybody care to split a sundae with me? Anybody? [Scene: Joey and Professor Wilder walking down the sidewalk talking] Joey: No. It was just-- it felt like you. Sort of dry and self-deprecating. I liked him. In the book, I mean. But the girl, she's not how I pictured her at all. Wilder: Not how you pictured who? Joey: Your wife. Wilder: I don't have a wife. Joey: You--I remember you told me you had a wife and kid. Wilder: Did I? I must have been trying to rationalize some bad behavior at the time. I use the wife and kid bit to get me out of things I don't wanna do. Joey: You're serious? You just lie? Wilder: No, I don't lie. I, uh, I create characters. Joey: So, what about the girl in the book? Or is she just another made-up character? Wilder: No, Sandrine was very real. Joey: Did you love her? Wilder: Yes, I did. Joey: Why'd you break up? Wilder: God, a million reasons. I don't know. She was crazy, which is exactly what you want when you're 21. You stop wanting that as you get older. Joey: What do you want when you get older? Wilder: Coffee. You want coffee. You wanna get some coffee? [Scene: Dawson and Oliver still going at each other in the restaurant while Jen is slowly getting more angry.] Dawson: If you're not gonna be open to anything I have to say-- Oliver: I would be open if I thought you were being open. Dawson: I'd be open if I thought you were right. Ol-- Oliver, you're too close to it. Oliver: Ok, you know what? This isn't working. I'm gonna have to let you go. Dawson: You're firing me? Oliver: If that's the way you wanna call it. Dawson: You can't fire me. Oliver, I never agreed to do your movie in the-- [Oliver walks off.] Can you believe that guy? [Scene: Joey and Professor Wilder walk by the riverfront. The lighted city looks beautiful in the background...quite romantic like.] Wilder: So, what about you? I seem to recall a certain story about a certain boy. What happened there? Joey: Nothing. He met someone else, or re-met her, as the case may be. [They sit down on a nearby bench] Anyway, it's over. We're over. Wilder: I'm sorry to hear about that. Joey: What can you do? Wilder: Start dating, I guess. Joey: I guess. I mean, I'm trying to, but... Wilder: but what? Joey: It's just hard. I mean, it takes all this energy and effort, and you have no way of knowing that it's going to be worth it at the end of the day. Wilder: No, you don't. Joey: So what's the point? Wilder: There's no point. You should probably quit. Join a convent. You'd look good in a habit. Joey: Thank you. You know, you think I'm kidding, but that's a very appealing notion. Wilder: Come on. And give up all those first crush butterflies? Never. Joey: Yeah, but that's just it. I mean, the butterflies never seem to accompany the right people, you know? The nice guys who are right for you, they never make your stomach go flip-flop. Wilder: So, who gives you flip-flops, Joey Potter? Joey: [pauses] People who shouldn't. Wilder: Well, that hardly seems fair. [Long moment of staring at each other.] Joey: Nope. Not fair at all. [They lean in and kiss.] [They both start fumbling with their actions and words.] Wilder: [Oh. Ok. Oh, wow. I'm gonna go to prison, aren't I? Joey: No. No. Um, it's ok. I think we can leave the feds out of this one. I think I may have even been an accomplice. Wilder: You were? Ok. Thank god. Joey: But I should go. Wilder: Yeah. Great idea. Let's go. Joey: Uh, maybe I should go first. Wilder: Yes, you should go. And then I'll go later. To my house. And you'll go to your house. Joey: Dorm. Wilder: Dorm. Joey: Right. Wilder: And I'll go to my house. Joey: Ok. [Joey starts to walk away and looks back] Good night, professor. Wilder: Good night. [Scene: Citizens Restaurant. Jack and frat brothers are drinking.] Blossom: You see, McPhee. If you walk the line between partying and studying, maintain the balance, it's all good. Jack: Oh, gee, blossom. Your concern for my well-being is so touching I think I'm gonna cry. Blossom: What's the problem now? I thought we were having a nice time here. Jack: Oh, we are, man. I mean, we're best buds, right? Till I slip up and do something to embarrass the mighty sigma epsilon. Like fail a couple classes, right, guys? Blossom: Man, I don't know what you're talking about. Jack: You don't care about my troubles. All you care about is how it affects the house. Blossom: Damn straight. Jack: So that's how it's gonna be now, huh? Blossom: That's how it's always been. The house comes first. What, you didn't get that? Jack: I guess not. [Starts to walk away] Blossom: Well, don't go getting all emotional on me, your eyes welling up and whatnot. Man, it's like talking to a chick. Jack: [Throws a stool out of his way and comes face-to-face with the guy] You wanna say that to my face? Huh? Blossom: Step back, man. Eric: Come on, jack. Hey, he's just messing with you. Jack: What, you're gonna take his side, too? Huh, Eric? All you guys? Are you gonna side with him? [Pacey sees what is about to ensue and runs and tries to pull Jack back] Pacey: What's goin' on here? Can I get you a cup of coffee? Jack: I can't believe I never realized what a jackass you are. Blossom: And you, McPhee, have been a real disappointment all around. Jack: Yeah, how's that? Blossom: You were supposed to help us clean up our image. As it turns out, you've done nothing but make it worse. It wasn't even worth bringing you into the house. [Jack hauls off and punches his frat brother and a brawl commences.] Pacey: [Tries to get in and stop the fight] Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on, now! [The frat brothers semi-tried to hold back their leader, but he gets in a few more stomach shots than Jack who is being held back by Pacey.] Jack: Get off me, Pace! [Jack struggles to out of Pacey's grasp when he busts a glass on the bar with his hand. Blood covers his hand.] Pacey: [Grabs a cloth and tries to wrap Jack's hand.] Come here. Come here. Jack: Damn it! Jesus Christ. Blossom: Let's go, guys. Audrey and Others: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Pacey: Take a seat right now. [Jack sits on a nearby stool.] Audrey: Oh, my god. Pacey: Audrey, put some pressure on that, ok? Audrey: [Jack is leaning against her bleeding.] Oh, my god. Ok? Ok. Ok. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. [Scene: Joey is getting back from her date when she sees that Elliot has left her a basket full of medicine and a get well card in front of her door. She looks guilty and feels ashamed.] [Scene: Grams house. Jen is in her room applying makeup when Dawson enters.] Dawson: [Knock on door] So, I've been thinking about last night. I think I could've handled that better. Jen: Yeah? Dawson: Yeah. I mean, poor Oliver. The guy was really upset. Granted, he's obnoxious. Jen: Well, that's an understatement. Dawson: But he's got a really unique voice, and he's obviously very passionate about the script. Which is a good thing, you know? That's how I would be. Actually, he kind of reminds me of me a little bit. Remember how I used to be? Jen: Uh-huh. Dawson: When I was doing the Brooks movie and the one before that. Jen: And the one before that. Dawson: Yeah. Which made me realize, I think I am ready to direct somebody else's words. You know, I've done my own thing enough times, I think this would be an entirely new challenge for me. Jen: Mm-hmm. Dawson: I think I should apologize to him. Jen: Hmm. Dawson: Are you mad at me? Jen: Well, congratulations to you. Ding! Ding! Ding! I've only been pissed off at you since last night. Dawson: You have? Jen: Yes. First, you totally ditch me for our lunch date, and then you invite Dennis the Menace along to have dinner with us, which is totally infringing on our personal time, which is precious, don't you think? Dawson: Absolutely it is. Jen: And then you let that loud-mouth weasel treat me like I'm a piece of arm candy. Neither one of you listened to a single thing that I had to say, and you have to admit, I am completely right about that first s*x scene being totally gratuitous. It is just an excuse for Oliver to look at a pair of boobs in the flesh. Why don't you give him $20 and tell him to get a lap dance? Dawson: Jen, I am so sorry. Jen: [Pausing for a moment] Oh, my god! It's back! I gotta go! [Jen leaves the room.] Dawson: What's back? [Jen re-enters the room and kisses Dawson.] Jen: I forgive you. [Scene: Joey enters her dorm and Audrey is practicing yoga by doing a head stand.] Audrey: I did it, Joey. I'm a yogi master. I am centered, I am balanced. Nothing can penetrate my inner source of calm. Joey: Audrey, I kissed Wilder last night and just dumped nice guy. [Walks over and sits on bed.] Audrey: [Falls over.] Whoa. Ok. Ow. That wasn't fair. [Stumbles over to the bed] Joey: Me and Elliot weren't really going out, so technically, it wasn't a dump, but I did give him back his NyQuil. Audrey: Wait, let's just rewind here to the kiss. What happened? And more importantly, was there tongue involved? Joey: Well, we kissed. I pulled away. End of story. Every other girl on campus probably would have slept with him. Audrey: Wait a minute. Are you saying you wanted to sleep with him? Joey: No. I don't know. But I just-- I didn't want to stop kissing him. Audrey: So why did you? Joey: Because I freaked out. I got scared like I always do. Audrey: Ok. That happens. Joey: Yeah, but, Audrey, I'm sick of it. I mean, I came to Worthington to change my life and to become a different person. And what happened? My stupid life followed me here. Audrey: Yup. Well, that was an unfortunate turn of events. Joey: And I'm trapped. I mean, I can't quite wipe the slate clean because, you know, if I pretend to be somebody new, everybody already knows me here. Audrey: Why do you have to be somebody new? If you weren't you, we might not be friends. Joey: Yeah, but... well, good point. Audrey: Think about this, Joey. These opportunities that keep presenting themselves, they're presenting themselves to you, not to me. Not to anybody else. And all you have to do is just seize them. Stop wasting your time wishing that you were somebody else. And just grab hold of what have coming to you. Because you never know when it's gonna come your way again. [brief pause] So... how good of a kisser was he? On a scale of 1 to 10. Joey: 20. Audrey: Oh! He's so cute. Joey: Yeah, it was good. I shouldn't have stopped. [Scene: Jen is talking to callers on the radio.] Jen: So, what you're saying, Brenda, is that your boyfriend will break up with you if you don't wear thong underwear? Brenda: That's about it. Jen: Yeah. Ok. Well, it seems to me like you have two options here. You can either dump him, or you can dump him! Hello? Guys? Word to the wise. Before you try and force your girlfriend into a thong, why don't you try putting a piece of floss between your butt cheeks and see how much you like it. Caller number three, you're on the air. [Scene: Citizens Restaurant. Jack walks up to Pacey and lays a check on the bar.] Pacey: What's this? Jack: Part of what I owe you for the damages. Just, uh, you know, let me know how much it all is, and I'll get it to you as soon as I can. Pacey: You know, you could have gotten me fired last night, Jack. So, do you wanna talk to me about it? Jack: About what? Pacey: About whatever it is that's making you do this to yourself, man. Jack: [Sighs] What exactly am I doing to myself, Pacey? Pacey: Well, for starters, you're flunking yourself out of school. You can talk to me all you like about makeup exams, 'cause, believe me, I'm the king of makeup exams. And you can tell me that the whole thing's crap, you don't care about your grades, but I'm not gonna buy that, Jack. Especially not from you. 'Cause I know how hard you worked to get yourself into college. I know that it must terrify you to be on academic probation. And it terrifies you because you just don't know how you got to this point, right? All you were doing was cuttin' loose, having a little bit of fun. I mean, believe me, man, I understand that. I've been there. I know what it's like. Jack: What do you want from me, huh? Pacey: Nothing. I'm just curious. I'm just curious, 'cause from my perspective, you're flunking out of school, and you're drinking like you got a deathwish, all so you can hang out with a bunch of guys who pretty much attacked you last night. Jack: They didn't attack me last night. Pacey: They didn't attack you? No. Jack, it was 10 on one in there. And they left you here, bleeding, just in case you forgot. So I'm just curious. Is it worth it? Are they worth it? Jack: [Gut check moment.] I gotta go. [He walks off.] [Scene: Dawson walks up to Oliver outside the film school.] Dawson: Oliver. Can I talk to you? I, uh, I just wanted to tell ya, I think you might be right about that one scene. There is some pivotal information-- Oliver: Nah, I cut it out. Dawson: Oh. Well... good, 'cause you don't need it. Look, I'm sorry. I went a little overboard yesterday. I think part of me was trying to sabotage the whole thing. Well, it worked. You gotta understand. I wasn't looking to get involved in anything. I just kind of wanted to coast for myself for a while, reacquaint myself with the world slowly, you know? And then, uh, you threw your script at me, and I really liked it. I got excited, and, uh, I didn't want to get excited. I was kind of trying to... feel as little as possible. Probably doesn't make any sense to you, but-- Oliver: No, that makes total sense. You were afraid that the upswing of throwing yourself into a new project would inevitably produce a downswing when you finished it. Right? And, hey, man. You're probably tired of feeling down. Dawson: I am. Oliver: Plus the guilt that comes with doing something that might make you feel good when you're supposed to be dealing with this... this huge thing. You know what, Dawson? I can't guarantee that none of those things will happen, but if you try to coast through life not feeling anything good just so you don't have to feel anything bad... that's no way to live. Dawson: I really want to direct your film. Oliver: Ok. Dawson: Thank you. Oliver: You're welcome. Dawson: I have one question, though. Oliver: Shoot. Dawson: Why aren't you directing it? Oliver: Oh. Um, yeah. That's part of what I wanted to tell you. You know the part of Gage? Dawson: The lead? Oliver: Yeah. I wanna play him. [Puts his headphones on and walks off.] Dawson: [Realizes what Oliver just told him and runs after him.] Hold on. Oliver. [Ending Credits.]

Plan: A: a nightclub; Q: Where do Joey and Audrey go to celebrate Joey's grades? A: Joey's excellent grades; Q: What are Joey and Audrey celebrating? A: Charlie; Q: Who dares Joey to do something wild? A: the dare; Q: What does Joey accept? A: the stage; Q: Where does Joey go to sing? A: the band; Q: Who does Joey sing with? A: Pacey; Q: Who joins the girls at the club? A: his new promotion; Q: What is Pacey celebrating? A: Capeside; Q: Where do Dawson and Jen go after the nightclub? A: their first fight; Q: What do Dawson and Jen have? A: Boston; Q: Where does Dawson decide to move? Summary: Joey and Audrey go to a nightclub to celebrate Joey's excellent grades. There, Audrey tries to convince Joey to have some real fun. Charlie is also there and he hits on Joey, who turns him down because of what he did to Jen. But Charlie doesn't give up so easily and dares Joey to do something wild. She accepts the dare and goes on the stage to sing with the band. Excited about it, she impulsively kisses Charlie. Meanwhile, Pacey joins the girls at the club to celebrate his new promotion. Dawson and Jen go back to Capeside, where they have their first fight over what Dawson will do with his life. He ultimately decides to move to Boston and live with Jen and Grams.

OPEN, CHURCH FUNERAL [Miss Patty sings solemnly to the town sitting in pews] RORY: [Sniffles] LORELAI: Kleenex. [Hands her a Kleenex.] RORY: I'm gonna miss Stan. LORELAI: I know, I'm gonna miss him too. RORY: He was so cute, with his fedora and his Hush Puppies. Everyday, the fedora and the Hush Puppies. LORELAI: Yeah, if he just would have added some pants. RORY: Mom! LORELAI: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to lighten the mood. RORY: 'Cause you wouldn't want a downer funeral. LORELAI: Ok, we're being serious now. SOOKIE: You remember every Tuesday, Stan came to the Independence Inn for lunch? LORELAI: I remember. SOOKIE: That was a total waste because he couldn't eat dairy, or salt, or meat, so he basically just came in every week for a salad, with no oil, and no mushrooms. [Quietly] He hated mushrooms. RORY: [Choking up] I hate mushrooms too. LORELAI: [Giving a Kleenex to Rory] Oh, here you go. [To Sookie] You know, he called last week and made the first lunch reservation at the Dragonfly. RORY: He did? SOOKIE: Don't cancel it. LORELAI: No, of course not. We'll save a seat for Stan. RORY: [Choking up again] Save him a seat... [Patty finishes singing, the rabbi now steps up to the platform] RABBI: You'll find The Mourners' Kaddish on page 453. "May his illustrious name become increasingly great and holy... LORELAI: Hey, did you ever notice that in Stars Hollow death comes in fives? RORY: Do not try to lighten the mood! LORELAI: I'm not, it's true! SOOKIE: It is? LORELAI: Yeah, last year: Chester Thompson, Sarah Merrymen, Fran, and the Dublin twins. SOOKIE: That's right. LORELAI: Yeah, year before: Chuck O'Mishner, Santos Perez Jr, Santos Perez Sr - SOOKIE: [Gasps] ...Perry Lewis and Charlie Slater, you're right! LORELAI: And now, Pinochle Downs, Mr. Angelotopolous - SOOKIE: Mrs. Krenz! LORELAI: And Stan. RORY: Wait a minute, that's only four. LORELAI: It is only four. SOOKIE: That means the fifth hasn't happened yet. RABBI: Blessed, praised, glorified, exalted - SOOKIE: Number five could be in this room right now. LORELAI: Oh, no. RORY: What? LORELAI: Hank Krutzman! RORY: Hank Krutzman? SOOKIE: Why would it be Hank Krutzman? LORELAI: Because he's 110! RORY: [In disbelief] Hank's 110? LORELAI: No. RORY: Why would you say that? LORELAI: Because, that's the age you say when someone is really old. RORY: I don't. LORELAI: What age do you say? RORY: I say the age they are, otherwise I would seem cruel and insensitive. LORELAI: Fine, the point is he is very, very old. RORY: Well that doesn't make him number five. LORELAI: I don't know... SOOKIE: Hank Krutzman. He was such a happy guy. LORELAI: He had such a good life. SOOKIE: He owned those horses. LORELAI: He loved his golf. RORY: Stop! LORELAI: What? RORY: You guys just eulogized Hank! He's not even dead yet. RABBI: At this time, I would like to call up Stan's dear friend and fellow Rotary Club member, Reverand Skinner. LORELAI: Ok, but if we do think it's Hank - RORY: We don't think it's Hank. SOOKIE: Why not? RORY: Because if we think it's Hank, and then something happens and it turns out to be Hank, then we caused it. LORELAI: She's right. SOOKIE: It's not Hank. RORY: So now, let's just focus on Stan because he's dead, and we had nothing to do with that. LORELAI: Fine. SOOKIE: Right. REVEREND SKINNER: My good friend Stan Green lived here for 56 years. He loved this town and it's friendly people, charming stores and beautiful church bells. Now, many of you don't remember the church bells. They fell into disrepair about 20 years ago and have been quiet ever since. But Stan remembered those bells, and it was his wish that they ring out over Stars Hollow once again, so he generously bequeathed the funds to make that dream come true. [The church whispers excitedly.] We're going to restore the bells in honor of our dear friend Stan, and every time they ring we'll think of him. He will be missed, but never forgotten. RORY: [Crying into her Kleenex] Oh, Stan. RABBI: Thank you, Reverend. [Shakes his hand] And now, please join us in saying goodbye at the cemetery. [Everyone stands and makes their way to the door] SOOKIE: That's so sweet. LORELAI: Yeah, do you remember the bells? SOOKIE: No, it was before my time. LORELAI: Me too, sounds great. MISS PATTY: Oh, they were fantastic. One of my most romantic memories happened during those bells. RORY: Your first kiss? MISS PATTY: Uh, sure. Oh-kay. [Hank Krutzman stumbles and falls behind them] LORELAI: Oh, no! SOOKIE: Hank! LORELAI: Okay. He's okay, he's okay. RORY: Oh, thank god. LORELAI: We are going to be very stressed out for the rest of Hank's life. RORY: Serves us right for making him the fifth. LORELAI: Hey, we did not make him the fifth, we do not have the power. SOOKIE: Yeah, we just speculated. LORELAI: Yeah, that was it, for all we know anyone could be the fifth. SOOKIE: That's right, it could be anyone. I mean Taylor, or Reggie, or Andrew or Kirk. [Kirk falls into the flowers and hits the ground] KIRK: OW! Oh! Going dark, going dark! LORELAI: We are the Witches of Eastwick. [Opening Credits] GILMORE GARAGE [Lane's band is practicing. They are finishing a song.] LANE: Yeah! BRAIN: Perfect. GIL: That middle-A drum roll was awesome! LANE: So keep it? GIL: Keep it! LANE: Zach, you seem less than thrilled? GIL: Yeah man, you look like my seven year old when she's all grumpy-puss. ZACH: Look, far be it from me to complain - BRIAN: Since when? ZACH: Don't be a putz. BRAIN: But you complain a lot. ZACH: I just think we're a little too on the beat, that's all. LANE: Too on the beat. That's crazy. BRIAN: How can we be too on the beat? LANE: We should be off the beat? ZACH: Hey, fine, sorry I brought it up. Let's just play perfectly on the beat and add a laser show and a flute and be "prog" rock, if that's what you want. LANE: We're just trying to figure out what you mean, Zach. So, we're too perfect? ZACH: I think. BRIAN: Are we practicing too much? LANE: We don't practice too much, we're just good. ZACH: I don't want to sound all fake and computerized, alright? I don't wanna be N*Sync. GIL: [Slowly] N*Sync, what's that? BRIAN: N*Sync is one of those sucky boy-bands. GIL: Oh, I'm rock and roll, I don't know anything about boy-bands. ZACH: I don't either, I've just read about them. LANE: You read about N*Sync? BRIAN: What are they, like a guilty pleasure for you or something? GIL: Hey, if we're getting confessional and all, I kinda like Simon and Garfunkel. LANE: I've always had this thing for Fleetwood Mac, I'm embarrassed to say. BRIAN: [Shyly] Sarah McLachlan. [Puts a hand on Zachs shoulder.] So, N*Sync? ZACH: [Shrugs off his hand] I'm not into N*Sync!. I just read a lot about music, and I've read about them, and I don't read, I skim! GIL: Hey, as far as the beat goes, we can loosen things up a bit. I mean, I know I can. ZACH: That's all I'm saying. A little more Stones, a little less Kraftwerk. GIL: Well, are we takin' a break now? I gotta make a call. LANE: Yeah, let's take a break. [Gil leaves] You're so mean to him. ZACH: No, I'm not. LANE: He knows exactly who you're talking about, and he's so nice. BRIAN: Yeah, I mean he gets here early, he brings sandwiches from his shop. ZACH: Never an Italian sub with pickles, which is what I like, I must say. LANE: I would rather you gave me the hard time instead of Gil, since I'm the one who let him in the band. ZACH: Hey, we all let him in, we're a democracy, we all let him in the band. LANE: Fine, we all let him in, so we should all remember that. [Gil runs into the garage] GIL: You guys are not going to believe this, not in a million years. LANE: Xander win a soccer match? GIL: No, that's at 4:00 tomorrow. We, the band, are booked ... at CBGB's. ZACH: We're what? GIL: Dude, we have a gig at CBGB's. LANE: CBGB's in New York? GIL: No, in Hackensack. Joke, dudes, the one in New York. LANE: Oh My God! ZACH: Gil, come on, are you serious? GIL: Dude, I am always serious about rock and roll. LANE: How did this happen? GIL: My buddy Pete works sound there? I got him a tape, he slipped it to the booker, and BAM, we're in. LANE: Holy bam! BRIAN: I need my inhaler. GIL: Now, it's not a great slot; It's 1:00 on a Tuesday night. LANE: Who cares? It's CBGB's! BRIAN: The Ramones started there! ZACH: Wow. LANE: Blondie, Sonic Youth, Television, Talking Heads...the list goes on and on. GIL: I said yes. It's okay to say yes? [Lane looks at him in disbelief before grabbing and hugging him] I guess it's okay... BRAIN: [Puffs his inhaler and gives Gil a thumbs up.] STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE [The ground is covered in snow, and children make snowmen and snow angels as Lorelai and Rory walk along the sidewalk.] LORELAI: Sure is pretty, isn't it? RORY: Yes, it is. LORELAI: I love the first snow of the year. RORY: I know, me too, although this isn't actually the first snow of the year. LORELAI: It isn't? RORY: No. LORELAI: What happened to the first snow of the year? RORY: I had a philosophy final. LORELAI: Oh, right. RORY: And the second snow of the season was on Wednesday. LORELAI: Yeah, I had my walkthrough of the inn. RORY: So, actually this is the third snow of the season. LORELAI: Fourth, the third was on Saturday. RORY: It was? Why didn't you call me? LORELAI: Because, it happened in the middle of the night. RORY: Well, you still could have called me. LORELAI: In the middle of the night? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: You wanted me to call you, at Yale, in the middle of the night so I could say, "Hey, drive 20 miles to stand in the snow with Mommy?" RORY: Yes. LORELAI: And then take the craziest mother-daughter title from Judy and Liza. RORY: So fourth snow of the season. LORELAI: Yup. RORY: Still pretty. LORELAI: Yes, we are. [The bells begin to ring from the church.] The bells, they fixed the bells. RORY: Oh, Stan. [Reverend Skinner looks up from the church stairs. People emerge from stores and children stop playing to listen. As the bells finish, people applaud.] LORELAI: See, if we had taken our traditional "first snow of the season" walk, we wouldn't have heard the bells. RORY: Bless our oppressive schedules. I have to go drop something off at Lane's. LORELAI: Good, 'cause I have to go drop something off at Luke's. [Begins to cross the street] RORY: What? LORELAI: [Turns around.] I'm just dropping off some stuff, and a few things and - RORY: Mom? LORELAI: I need coffee. RORY: I'll meet you there. LORELAI: Hurry, we can come back out for the bells in half an hour. RORY: Order me some coffee, a muffin and some onion rings. LORELAI: Look what I pass on to the next generation. RORY: Eating habits from Hades. LORELAI: [Calling after her] Love that DNA! KIM'S ANTIQUES [Lane and other students from the Adventist College sit in chairs in a small circle] MARLA: Pursue an interview with a distinguished leader with great influence on the community state or nation. LANE: Well, that sounds like it should be interesting. Who should we interview? [Jordan raises a finger] Oh, Jordan! JORDAN: Pastor Cho is available. LANE: Yes! [Mock enthusiasm] Pastor Cho would be interesting and ...convenient since his house is right on campus, so okay, good option in Pastor Cho. Any other suggestions? ANDY: [Eagerly] Assistant Pastor Eric? LANE: Yes. Assistant Pastor Eric, also a fine idea, he lives next door to Pastor Cho. Would anyone like to think outside the clergy? MARLA: Why? JORDAN: Pastor Cho did it last year. MARLA: Pastor Cho does it every year. LANE: So then perhaps Pastor Cho might like a rest? ANDY: Then it would be Assistant Pastor Eric! LANE: Hey, I have an idea. How about we send a letter to Bill Clinton. It's probably be a long shot, but you never know! MARLA: Bill Clinton? LANE: Yeah! JORDAN: But Pastor Cho is expecting our call. ANDY: Unless he's sick, in which case it would be Assistant Pastor Eric! LANE: Yes, but I - MRS. KIM.: Lane! Rory is here to see you. [Rory stands near the door with a large book in her arms] LANE: Rory! Hi, and bless you. RORY: Lane! Hi and ... thank you. LANE: Rory, this is Andy, Sarah, Jill, Marla and Jordan. RORY: Nice to meet you all. I didn't mean to interrupt, I just wanted to return your book and get another one. LANE: Oh, of course. [To Mrs. Kim] I'll be right back MRS. KIM: Please hurry, the tea is almost ready. LANE: I will. [Enters her room and Rory follows.] LANE: So, how did you like it? [Rory opens the book to reveal a hollow space where a CD is hidden.] RORY: It's great, I burned a copy for my Mom. LANE: You know, its people like you who are destroying the music industry! RORY: Oh, now. Britney's gotta shoulder some of the blame. [Lane opens up one of her floorboards] LANE: Let me see. How about The New Pornographers? RORY: Sold. [Lane hands her a CD, and Lane opens another floorboard to return the CD Rory borrowed] So, it's quite a lively bunch you got down there. LANE: Oh yeah, I'm kind of worried, all of those breakables. RORY: What are you working on? LANE: Oh, the usual: how to avoid any contact with the outside world. RORY: Hmm, those guys must really be screwing up the curve. LANE: Yes, it's annoying. RORY: Everyday? LANE: Yes, but I could care less because today, all I can think about is the gig! I mean, I can't believe it! I'm actually going to be on stage at [high pitched] CBGBs! RORY: I know, but how are you going to [high pitched] get there? LANE: Oh, I will get there. As we speak, I am working on the perfect alibi. RORY: Oh, what do ya got so far? LANE: [motions for Rory to sit] Mama, may I run something past you? That's it. RORY: I like it. LANE: Yeah, so I was originally gonna start with "Can I run something past you," but I thought the may I added a certain level of respect. RORY: I agree. However, you now need to add an excuse. LANE: [pacing] I've come up with lots of, you know, mid-afternoon and evening alibis, but so far no 1:00 AM alibis. RORY: You can always tell your Mom that you're sleeping over at my dorm. LANE: She knows they're co-ed. By the way, she's praying for you. So, you wanna borrow the new Sparks? RORY: Please! Oh, now how about this? Tell your Mom that you're taking an astronomy class, and you have to go on a field trip to look at the stars. LANE: There are no astronomy classes at Adventist College. That would imply the universe is old. RORY: Not a lot of loopholes in your world, huh? LANE: It's okay, I'll come up with something. My entire life has been a training session for this very event. RORY: I have faith in you. LANE: Thank you. [They head to the door. Lane stops Rory.] LANE: Wait! [Lane takes out a new book cover to make it look like Rory has borrowed a new book] RORY: Oop! Getting a little sloppy, there. [They get the cover on the book when the door bursts open.] MRS. KIM: Lane! Your classmates are waiting. LANE: Sorry, Mama. RORY: Um, well, I gotta go. Thank you for the book. Bye, Mrs. Kim. MRS. KIM: Wait! [Rory stops. Mrs. Kim takes the book and looks at the cover] "Jane -- One woman's harrowing journey to God." Good choice! RORY: Thank you, ma'am. [Hurries out] YALE [Rory and Paris are walking through the hallways] PARIS: Smart move, jumping on my bandwagon with the International Relations Association. RORY: Like I had a choice. PARIS: What? RORY: You dragged me here, Paris. PARIS: You'll thank me when you're interviewing for grad school in a few years and find those waifish looks of yours aren't quite as charming. RORY: Whatever that means. PARIS: It means these kind of clubs look good on your resumé. RORY: You know what also looks good on a resumé? Passing your classes. PARIS: No one studies more than you do, you're fine. Now, remember to argue, even if you have nothing to say, or add, be vocal. Very few people in lifelisten to what anyone else says anyhow. It's all about volume. RORY: Can I ask why you're suddenly so interested in international relations? You're pre-med. PARIS: It's critical to step out of one's major and experience our worlds sweeping expanse. Plus, a certain fellow told me about it. RORY: Okay, enough with that. PARIS: [Looks at the advisor for the discussion] Oh, this is too much. [She signs her name to a clipboard.] RORY: What? PARIS: Our advisor, Professor Friedman. RORY: You know her? [Rory signs as well] PARIS: Of her. Her daughter was busted last spring by New Haven police for growing pot in their basement, right during harvest season. Strangely, it never made the papers. RORY: Then how do you know about it? PARIS: A certain fellow told me. RORY: I have got to stop asking questions. [They walk around the table. Rory looks over and sees the guy she asked out for coffee in the laundry room enter. Rory looks at him, but he catches her eye and she quickly looks away, embarrassed. ] LUKE'S DINER [Kirk is sitting at one end of the counter while Luke is leaning over the counter at the opposite side, looking at some papers.] KIRK: Luke? LUKE: [Irritated] Yeah, Kirk. KIRK: What time is it? LUKE: I'm not saying, Kirk. KIRK: Why not? LUKE: Because I just told you 30 seconds ago! KIRK: More like 45 seconds if you add in all the bickering. LUKE: [Sighs] 3:58. KIRK: Only two minutes until the bells. LUKE: Unless of course, I'm fast. KIRK: You're cruel at times, Luke. LUKE: Only when poked with a stick. [Lorelai walks in and sits at a stool.] LORELAI: Coffee, big cup and hello! KIRK: Lorelai, what time do you have? LUKE: Do not tell him. He already knows. KIRK: I do not! LUKE: If you just wait for the bells, then you'll get to hear the bells, and then you'll know what time it is. KIRK: Actually, that's not true. The other day I stood too close to the bells and they rang so loud that there's now a persistent ringing in my ears. Now I can't tell which are the church bells and which are the Kirk bells. LORELAI: [Mock concern] Oh, no. Did you go to the doctor? KIRK: Yes, he said I have tinnitis. I looked it up on the web at "Celebrities Who Share Your Disease" and found that William Shatner is likewise afflicted. LORELAI: Really, Kirk and Captain Kirk? KIRK: The irony wasn't lost on me. [He hears Luke place two plates onto a table. Looking up,] Was that them? LUKE: Relax, the church bells will be the loud obnoxious ones. [Walks behind the counter.] LORELAI: Uhp somebody doesn't like bells. LUKE: Not everyone likes bells. LORELAI: No, actually they do. LUKE: They enjoy the constant interruptions of conversations, the monotonous drone of the same tones, hour after hour? LORELAI: Yes! Can you believe it? These are the same freaks who also like sunsets and the moon and the stars ... [Sees Luke ruffling through the papers again.] What are the paint chips for? LUKE: Oh, I'm just doing some painting. LORELAI: Oh, really? You're not gonna collect and trade them amongst your friends? What are you painting? LUKE: Um, our apartment. LORELAI: You and I, we're getting an apartment? LUKE: No. Me and Nicole. We're getting an apartment. LORELAI: [pause] Oh! That's great. When? LUKE: When what? LORELAI: Well, when are you getting an apartment? LUKE: Three weeks ago. LORELAI: Three weeks ... You moved already? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: Huh. Uh, wow. So, where is the apartment? LUKE: Litchfield. [Walks around the counter] LORELAI: [Taken aback] You moved to Litchfield? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: [Turning to face him] Three weeks ago you moved to Litchfield? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: Litchfield is another county. LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: Well, [sighs as she turns again and he goes behind the counter.] Three weeks ago you moved to another county? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: Well, were you gonna mention this to me anytime soon? LUKE: Sure. LORELAI: When? LUKE: When it came up. LORELAI: When it came up. LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Okay, so if I hadn't asked for the next twenty or thirty years and I sent you a nice fruit basket upstairs you just never would have gotten it. LUKE: It's not that big a deal. LORELAI: Okay. LUKE: I mean it's not like we tell each other everything. LORELAI: No! Of course we don't! I mean, I tore a pair of panty hose this morning and I didn't tell you about it. Oh wait, I guess I just did. LUKE: Hey, you know now, right? LORELAI: Yeah. Right. LUKE: Look, nothing's changed. LORELAI: Yeah nothing's changed, except you don't live here! LUKE: So what? LORELAI: So? I don't even have your phone number. LUKE: I'll give you my phone number. LORELAI: I don't even know what you live in! An apartment, a trailer, a batcave - LUKE: A townhouse. LORELAI: A townhouse? Sure, 'cause when I look at you I think "common driveway". LUKE: It's fine, you'll come over and see it eventually. LORELAI: Will I? Will I come over, because me coming over implies we're friends! LUKE: We are friends! LORELAI: No, we're not! We're not friends! Friends tell each other at least the most basic things like where you live and when you moved away. I thought we were friends but I guess we're not! [Stands and reaches for her coat.] LUKE: Where are you going? LORELAI: I can't stay! [Leaves] LUKE: [Calling after her] Lorelai! [The bells ring.] Damn bells! YALE [Rory and two other girls sit around a coffee table as one girl sorts through a box.] GIRL: Oh! This is the tragedy that results when your mom goes out of town leaving your dad in charge of the care package. RORY: [Looking at a can] Cling peaches in light syrup. GIRL: They make Rice Krispies Treats in foil packs now, how hard is that? RORY: Oh, hey, want your smile back? [Holding up a package] Pork Top Ramen. GIRL: For that, you share your care package. RORY: Fine. My mom doesn't bake but she knows people who do. GIRL #2: [Holding the ramen] This makes great packing material... GIRL: Look, look, look. The guy over by the vending machine. [Pan to the laundry room guy pouring himself coffee] GIRL #2: Two thumbs up! GIRL: That is my friend Josh's roommate, William. GIRL #2: [Fanning herself] Ah! Hello your highness. GIRL: I'm seriously debating a move here. GIRL #2: Nakedness tends to work. GIRL: I met him at this party this weekend. He's pretty cool - and funny! He tells this story about a girl in this dorm. She doesn't even know him, she just comes up to him and starts talking to him, and he's talking to her, you know, just to be nice, but she thinks he's into her or something, so like three seconds later she asks him out. [Rory begins to look uncomfortable] Of course he said no. But I guess to her no doesn't mean 'no', so now she's showing up everywhere he is. He calls her his "adoring fan." GIRL #2: Did he say who it was? GIRL: Someone cranked up the karaoke machine right at that moment so no, no names. But his impression of her asking him out, all flitty eyelashes and 'look how hot I am' is hilarious. [Rory is looking very uncomfortable now.] GIRL #2: Oooh, intrigue. Psycho girl in the dorm. I wonder who it can be? GILMORE RESIDENCE [Sookie and Lorelai sit on the couch. Sookie is flipping though decorating magazines.] SOOKIE: So, now that he lives in Litchfield, what's that supposed to mean? LORELAI: According to Luke, nothing! SOOKIE: But what about the diner? LORELAI: Oh, he said the diner's fine, everything's fine! SOOKIE: And he's gonna continue working here even though he's living there? LORELAI: Yes, apparently he'll go from being grumpy Luke to grumpy-commuter Luke. SOOKIE: Luke plus road-rage, there's a healthy combination. Ooh! [Holding out magazine] What do you think of that sconce? LORELAI: Oh, it's too British. I swear, that guy should work for the CIA. He gives away nothing, absolutely nothing! SOOKIE: I have friends there. LORELAI: What? Where? SOOKIE: The CIA. LORELAI: [laughs] No, you don't. SOOKIE: Yes, I - Ah, you didn't mean the Culinary Institute of America? LORELAI: No. SOOKIE: Okay, then. Oh! [Holding out magazine] What about this? LORELAI: No, too Spanish. Three weeks he's been living there! Three weeks, and not a single word, and he looked at me like I was completely insane to be upset. SOOKIE: What about this one? LORELAI: Too German. SOOKIE: How can a sconce be too German? LORELAI: It's shaped like an knockwurst. SOOKIE: It is not. Oh, it is. Why would they do that? LORELAI: Maybe I am insane, I mean what's the big deal right? Just because I go in there for coffee every day that doesn't make us friends. SOOKIE: You are friends! LORELAI: Yes, but I thought we were 'friend' friends, and apparently we're just coffee friends. I buy the coffee and he's my friend. It's like a dog and a liver treat. If you have a liver treat, the dog will like you and, that's us. SOOKIE: Which one are you, the dog or the liver treat? LORELAI: Well, I was the liver treat, and I thought I was a collar or at least a really cute leash and I'm not. SOOKIE: I wanna chime in and be supportive, but I don't know what you're talking about. LORELAI: I'm talking about nothing, nevermind. [Davie begins to cry.] SOOKIE: Oh. I'm coming, Cookie. LORELAI: What's the matter, is he hungry? SOOKIE: No, it's the bells. LORELAI: The bells aren't ringing. SOOKIE: No, but they're about to. LORELAI: He's crying in anticipation of the bells? SOOKIE: He hates them. At first he just cried when they rang, and now he knows their schedule. LORELAI: Oh, that's terrible! SOOKIE: Believe me, the 5:00 AM-ers are the worst. [The bells begin to ring] SOOKIE: Oh, oh, I know. LORELAI: Poor thing. [Looking to the window] Hey, Sookie. [Walking to the window] Look, it's Luke. SOOKIE: What's he doing? [Luke is outside on her front path shovelling snow] LORELAI: Hmph, he's shovelling my walk. [smiles] SOOKIE: He's good. LORELAI: I'll be right back. OUTSIDE GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai walks out the front door, pulling on her jacket.] LORELAI: Oh, you missed a spot. [Luke doesn't stop shovelling] This is really nice Luke. Hey, can we fight again 'cause I need my rain gutters cleaned. LUKE: [Stops shovelling and walks up to the foot of the stairs.] You think everything is your business. Everything is about you! Well, here's a newsflash. Some things are not about you. LORELAI: Why are you yelling at me? LUKE: If I want to move in with Nicole, it concerns her and it concerns me, and that is it. LORELAI: Yeah, I know. LUKE: It does not concern you! It is none of your business! I don't have to tell you anything! And you do not have the right to make me feel guilty because I didn't tell you anything. LORELAI: I wasn't trying - LUKE: I have been tying my own shoes since I was I was four, I have repairing my own car since I was fourteen, and I have been making my own decisions since I could crawl! LORELAI: What does any of that have to do with anything? LUKE: I owe you nothing! LORELAI: Fine. LUKE: Nothing! LORELAI: Fine! LUKE: And shovel your walk! It is a safety hazard and you can't just walk past it and ignore the fact that the snow is up to your ass! LORELAI: You've got my shovel! LUKE: [Holding up the shovel] I loaned it to you three years ago! [Luke stomps off and Lorelai goes into the house] INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS ASSOCIATION [Rory, Paris, William the laundry room guy and other students all sit around a table] PARIS: When you boil it down, isn't the whole Israeli-Palestinian problem a case of sibling rivalry? FRIEDMAN: Follow up? PARIS: The Old Testament, it's all there. Israelis are descendents of Abraham and Sarah. Arabs are descendents of Abraham and his maid Hagar. So Israelis and Arabs both have the same dad, and both want the great nation God promised Abraham. They might as well be fighting over who gets the TV remote. [Rory drops her pencil and it roll in from of William. He picks it up.] FRIEDMAN: Your Biblical facts are correct, Paris, but your arguments disregard the complexities of the last 4000 years. I know research takes time. PARIS: At least I don't have to worry about Cheech growing Thai stick in the rec room. FRIEDMAN: What? PARIS: Nothing. FRIEDMAN: Okay. Anyone else? WILLIAM: It's just a power struggle, nothing mysterious. FRIEDMAN: Follow up? WILLIAM: Who wins in this game? And in whose best interest is it to keep the kids fighting? RORY: Right, like they're some all powerful entity, manipulating the entire population of Israel. There's a good thought process for you. WILLIAM: Excuse me? RORY: It's more complex than that. WILLIAM: But if you disregard power - RORY: That's not what I said. Maybe if you sat up straight for a minute you could hear a little more clearly. FRIEDMAN: Decorum, people. RORY: Israel is made up of over 6 million individuals, each with a unique view on the situation. You know something about a unique view of a situation, don't you? WILLIAM: I guess - RORY: Because propaganda and the spreading of blatant, heinous, ridiculous lies can cause more damage than guns or bombs or any sort of weaponry. WILLIAM: Personally, if I'm in an alley with Osama, I'd rather he was armed with a blatant, heinous lie than an Uzi. RORY: That's cause you're an idiot. WILLIAM: You know, you didn't look scary when you came in here. RORY: Oh yeah, give me back my pencil. [He throws the pencil in front of her.] FRIEDMAN: Okay, you two. Let's take a cooling off period and hear from someone else. Sarah, your thoughts on this. [SCENE_BREAK] GILMORE RESIDENCE [Night, Lorelai lies on the couch talking to Rory on the phone, who is lying in bed studying at Yale] LORELAI: I'm starving. RORY: Order a pizza. LORELAI: No, it's snowing, they won't deliver. RORY: Then go to Al's. LORELAI: It's curry night! RORY: China Charlie's sounds pretty good. LORELAI: I hate Chinese. RORY: Since when? LORELAI: Since tonight! RORY: You're acting like a four year old. LORELAI: I don't care, I'm bored. RORY: This is stupid, just go to Luke's. LORELAI: No. Way. RORY: Oh, come on, you guys always fight. LORELAI: Not like this. RORY: And then you make up. LORELAI: No, I'm not going to Luke's. RORY: You're gonna starve to death. LORELAI: Well fine, I will starve to death, because I'm not going to reward bad behavior. RORY: Is there something in the fridge? LORELAI: Nothing edible. RORY: There's Beefaroni. You like Beefaroni. LORELAI: I'm not in the mood for Beefaroni. RORY: Mom, you have to do something. LORELAI: I need a suggestion. RORY: Have you read The Bell Jar? LORELAI: Huh! Not funny! RORY: Okay, you know what, you're on your own. LORELAI: No, no! Come on! RORY: I have to study and you're in your stubborn mood. LORELAI: Hey! I sat up with you all night when you had the chicken pox. I held your hands so that you couldn't scratch your face and scar your perfect skin. You look that way because of me. RORY: Night, mom. LORELAI: But, ah, the chicken pox! RORY: Beefaroni, it's calling you! [Rory hangs up. Lorelai scoffs.] STARS HOLLOW, NIGHT [The bells ring the hour as Lorelai walks past Doose's Market, which displays sales on earplugs and aspirin. Two people walk by her and shout out, "Shut up!" Patty is teaching a class.] MISS PATTY: [claping] One, and two, and three and four. Ignore the bells, they aren't the beat. The bells will screw, it all to hell. [Lorelai looks into Luke's diner and sees Luke disappear behind the curtain with a box] MISS PATTY: And one, and two, and three, and four... [The bells stop.] and ... one... and two and three and four... [Lorelai walks into Luke's diner and as the bells jingle, Luke steps back out from the curtain. He folds his arms when he sees Lorelai and she walks towards him.] LORELAI: You want to help me break the bells? LUKE: I'll get my toolbox. [Luke goes upstairs, Lorelai gets a donut and follows him.] LUKE'S APARTMENT [They both walk in] LUKE: I'll just be a sec. LORELAI: 'Kay. [Luke walks away for a second. Lorelai looks around quizzically as she notices that all of his belongings are still in the apartment. There are even dirty dishes in the sink and on the table, and his bed in the corner is not made. Lorelai walks over to Luke, who has just gotten his toolbox out of the closet.] LUKE: Got it, let's go. [Walks to the door] LORELAI: Right behind you. CBGBs [Lane and the rest of the band are in a back room waiting to go on. Lane is drumming on the walls as she walks around. She drums on Zach's lap.] ZACH: Hey! LANE: Sorry, Zach, anything immobile is fair game. [To Gil] I'm so hyped. GIL: Me too. LANE: Did you find Blondie anywhere? GIL: No, I think they repainted at some point. LANE: Repainting is so not rock and roll! [As Zach walks by, she drums on his back.] ZACH: [Turning on her] You have seriously gotta stop that. LANE: Sue me. GIL: [Pointing to the wall] Hey, here are The Strokes! ZACH: Yawn. [To Brian.] Hey, you almost done, you've been tuning for a half hour. BRIAN: [Holding a guitar.] Almost. Geez, I'm nervous. ZACH: Yeah, you're shaking like the Pope. BRIAN: [Handing him the guitar.] You do it for me. ZACH: Fine. BRIAN: So, do we get to sign the wall? LANE: Oh, we are signing the wall! It's the whole reason to be in the band, that and the loose chicks. GIL: [Pointing to the wall.] Here are The Strokes again! ZACH: Yeah, they're over there too. BRIAN: Man, they're overexposed, even on walls. [Puffs his inhaler] [Darryl wearing a CBGB's shirt and carrying a clipboard enters.] DARRYL: Hey guys, uh, bad news. I'm gonna have to bump you. LANE: [Running up.] What? BRIAN: What does that mean? DARRYL: Uh, it means you're bumped. You're not playing. We'll reschedule, okay? GIL: Drag! ZACH: I guess I can stop tuning. LANE: No, no, don't stop tuning. I don't get this, why are we being bumped? DARRYL: Well, there's like two people out in the audience and they're born again or something, and they're not even drinking. LANE: Well, I'll get 'em drinking, I'm very good at working around religious mandates. BRIAN: Older couple? DARRYL: Yeah. BRIAN: That's my parents. They don't drink. LANE: We'll just play for Brian's parents, that's fine with us. ZACH: This is unbelievable! GIL: Look guys, it happens. LANE: I'm sorry, we're playing tonight. GIL: To an empty room. LANE: Every band plays to empty rooms at some point. They can be the most classic gigs. DARRYL: Look, I've already sent people home. The doorman, the waitresses- LANE: You don't need them, there's no one out there. DARRYL: The sound guy. LANE: We don't need sound! DARRYL: Look, it's not up to you. We'll reschedule, okay? ZACH: [To Gil] Nice goin', dude. BRIAN: Don't dump on Gil! LANE: [Catching Darryl before he leaves.] Excuse me, we're not done. DARRYL: Oh, I think we are. LANE: No, we are not just little gnats that you can flick away. We are professionals and some of us have gone through a lot of trouble to be here tonight, a lot of trouble. DARRYL: Well, then you have a lot of my sympathies. [He leaves] I need a cigarette. LANE: [Screaming after him] Get cancer, Darryl! GIL: Wow, Lane! Come on, you gotta roll with the punches. LANE: No, we have to play tonight. GIL: We can't! LANE: [Sees the guys packing up their stuff] What are you doing? BRIAN: Packing up? LANE: Just because Darryl said to? BRIAN: He's the booker. LANE: No, he's the man, and rock and roll is about saying no to the man! ZACH: This is a lot of trouble for nothing! LANE: Guys! GIL: I said I'm sorry! BRIAN: It's not Gil's fault! ZACH: Then whose is it? GIL: Look, you gotta roll with the punches too, Zach. ZACH: [To Brian] You just stepped on my guitar! BRIAN: I didn't see it. ZACH: What are you blind? BRIAN: Pretty much. GIL: Dude, get it together. ZACH: I cannot believe that your parents don't drink. [Lane is wringing her hands and looking very worried.] STARS HOLLOW, NIGHT [Lorelai and Luke walk up to the church. Lorelai tries the door but it is locked.] LORELAI: [Gasp] What, they lock the door to a church, are they serious? What if I need to do something holy? LUKE: Like commit vandalism? LORELAI: Even she's sick of hearing the damn bells. LUKE: I'm gonna have to break the lock LORELAI: No wait. [Gets out her wallet] LUKE: What are you doing? LORELAI: All those years of watching Hart to Hart are about to pay off. LUKE: What is that? LORELAI: It's my gym card. LUKE: You joined a gym? LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: When? LORELAI: After I had Rory, to lose the pregnancy weight. LUKE: Did you go? LORELAI: God, no. I was way too fat. [Manages to unlock the door with the card] Ah, praise be to Him and all the little lambs that frolic the earth with their frankincense and myrrh and - LUKE: Would you get inside? LORELAI: Okay. STARS HOLLOW CHURCH [The church is in darkness as Lorelai and Luke walk up the aisle.] LORELAI: Oy! Would it kill God to dust? LUKE: Okay, now just hold the flashlight, do not do any moving spotlight gags and point it at me and yell "Freeze, drop your weapons." LORELAI: [laughs] How about if I shine it on the wall and do a dirty hand puppet show? LUKE: Just stand back so the lightning only strikes you. LORELAI: So, what's the game plan here? Personally, I thought we could whack the bells really hard with a hammer. LUKE: Uh, you don't break bells with a hammer. LORELAI: Okay, I'm out. What's your plan, Clyde? LUKE: Well, I was thinking we could just jam the turnbuckle, or wedge the main mechanism, just for fun disconnect a few of the clappers; Contrary to popular belief you don't have to break every bell. If you just damage a couple, say the tierce and the prime, you pretty much ruin the set. LORELAI: You must have been the top of your class at hunchback school. LUKE: Well, let's just say you can wait your whole life waiting for bells to fall into disrepair. Sometimes they need a push. LORELAI: No way! You broke the bells. LUKE: You're welcome. It's a little narrow up there, so we should just take the tools that we need, leave the toolbox down here. LORELAI: God, these things are heavy. Don't you have a smaller toolbox? LUKE: No, why would I have two toolboxes? LORELAI: 'Cause then you'd have a big one and a small one. LUKE: Well, if you have a big one you don't need a small one. [Lorelai opens her mouth to speak] Don't say 'dirty', it's too easy. Hold these. [Gives her tools] LORELAI: So, um, why wasn't your toolbox at your new place? LUKE: I needed it here. LORELAI: Huh. Usually moving requires lots of tools; hanging things, putting things together. LUKE: Nicole hired a professional picture-hanger and we didn't have anything to put together. Hand me a screwdriver. LORELAI: Phillips or flathead? [Luke looks at her in surprise] I know things. LUKE: Phillips. [She hands it to him and Luke smiles.] LORELAI: Luke, how come you told me you moved? LUKE: I did move. LORELAI: Well, you may have moved, but none of your stuff did. LUKE: What are you talking about? Uh, hand me the open-ended wrench. LORELAI: Luke, I was in your apartment. It's exactly the same. LUKE: No, it's not. LORELAI: I just think it's weird you're pretending you moved when you didn't. LUKE: [Stopping working] I did move. LORELAI: Luke, your bed wasn't even made. LUKE: So? LORELAI: There were dishes in the sink, some kind of shake in the blender, Mega-Man protein powder on the counter. Remind me to mock you for that later, by the way. LUKE: Can we talk about something else? Or better yet, let's not talk and just get this done. LORELAI: Does Nicole think you moved? LUKE: Of course she thinks I moved, I did move. LORELAI: Do you sleep there? LUKE: Of course I sleep there. LORELAI: When was the last time you slept there? LUKE: I live there. LORELAI: So, last night? LUKE: I had an early delivery and it didn't make sense to sleep there. LORELAI: The day before? LUKE: I was there for dinner. LORELAI: And after dinner? LUKE: Nicole was getting a sore throat so it made sense to go back to my place and not get sick. LORELAI: Your place? LUKE: My old place. LORELAI: You didn't say your old place, you said your place. LUKE: Well, I meant my old place. LORELAI: Luke, you don't live with Nicole. LUKE: Yes, I do. LORELAI: You watch her TV, you eat her food, you keep stuff in a duffel bag at her house; you're a rude guest, not her boyfriend! LUKE: Husband. LORELAI: Whole other discussion. LUKE: You know what, you're doing it again. LORELAI: Doing what again? LUKE: You're passing judgment on my relationship with Nicole. LORELAI: I'm not passing judgment. LUKE: You passed judgment on our marriage, you passed judgment on our divorce and now you're passing judgment on our living together. LORELAI: I'm not passing judgment on you living together. You're passing judgment on you living together... by not living together. LUKE: You know, I was a little tipsy on that cruise ship, but I don't remember anyone pronouncing us husband and wife and Lorelai. LORELAI: Well, they may as well have, because I spend as much time with Nicole as you do. LUKE: And the judgment's back! LORELAI: I could move in with you guys. You wouldn't know. LUKE: You know, none of this is any of your business. LORELAI: It's absolutely my business. LUKE: How? LORELAI: Because! I wasted a week of my life adjusting to the idea that you had moved only to find out that you haven't moved. LUKE: How much adjusting did you have to do? Nothing's changed! I still see you everyday, I still cook your food, I still serve your coffee. What do you care? LORELAI: I care. LUKE: Why? LORELAI: Because I don't want you to move. LUKE: Why? Why don't you want me to move? [Lorelai stares at him for a second, but a door opens behind them and Lorelai and Luke lower their heads guiltily. Reverend Skinner walks in.] REVEREND: Lorelai? Luke? [Sees the tools.] Oh, thank God! Carry on. [He leaves.] YALE [There is a knock on Rory's dorm door.] RORY: Paris! It's 4:00 in the morning! [She opens the door and finds Lane standing there.] LANE: Hi. RORY: What are you doing here? LANE: Well, funny you should ask, because I didn't know what to do and you always seem to know what to do, so I thought I'd drop by and ask you what to do. RORY: About what? LANE: I didn't come up with one. RORY: One what? LANE: One alibi. RORY: What? LANE: I couldn't think of anything! [She sits down] RORY: Lane! LANE: I swear, I tried, but nothing I came up with sounded like she would believe it so I just left. RORY: What do you mean you just left? LANE: I mean I waited until she went to bed, which was about 9:15, and then I left. RORY: You didn't leave a note? LANE: No. RORY: You didn't call? LANE: I don't even think I locked the door behind me. RORY: Lane, this is bad. LANE: I know, but I couldn't miss the gig, Rory. I mean it was CBGB's! I had to go and she wouldn't let me go. [Rory gets up and goes into her room.] Where are you going? RORY: You have to call your mom. LANE: No way. RORY: [Handing her the phone.] Lane, she could be freaking out right now. LANE: I can't tell her. I can't call her. RORY: Well, what are you gonna do, just never go home again? LANE: You say that like it's a bad thing. RORY: It is a bad thing, a really bad thing! LANE: I can't talk to her. RORY: Fine. [Rory dials a number.] Who are you calling? [Lorelai is sleeping and slaps the phone as it rings. She picks it up and hold it to her ear.] LORELAI: I hate you. RORY: Mom, are you awake? LORELAI: No. RORY: Could you be awake? LORELAI: What's the matter? RORY: Lane's here. LORELAI: What? Why? RORY: She snuck out of her house tonight, and she's scared to go home. LORELAI: She snuck out? RORY: She had something to do with the band. LORELAI: Urgh! She snuck out! RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Bye. RORY: What are you doing? LORELAI: I'm calling Mrs. Kim. RORY: Mom, no. LORELAI: Rory, if I woke up and you weren't there, I would have a friggin' heart attack. Now keep Lane there and tell her I am pissed as hell at her. Goodbye. [Hangs up. She dials a new number.] MRS. KIM: Hello? LORELAI: Hello, Mrs. Kim, it's Lorelai Gilmore. I am so sorry to be calling so late and, um, I don't know if you know this or not, but Lane isn't there. MRS. KIM: [She's at home. There are firemen and a group of people praying in a circle with candles behind her.] Where is she? LORELAI: Well, she went out tonight, and I think she was just scared to tell you about it, but she is fine. She's with Rory at Yale and they're safe and they promise to stay put. MRS. KIM: Give me the address! LORELAI: 198 Elm Street, Durfee Hall, suite five. Do you need directions? MRS. KIM: I have a navigational system. LORELAI: Okay, well, call me if you need anything. [Mrs. Kim hangs up.] STARS HOLLOW, NIGHT [Mrs. Kim drives in the snow, and stops outside Luke's when she sees him coming outside. Luke has just gotten a shipment of bread from a man. She gets out of her car.] MRS. KIM: Luke! LUKE: Hey, Mrs. Kim. You're up early. MRS. KIM: I just want to tell you that Lane will not be coming to work today. LUKE: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. MRS. KIM: You know? LUKE: Yeah, she called. MRS. KIM: She called? LUKE: Twice. She left a message last night and she called again a minute ago just to make sure I got it. I tell you, that is one responsible kid. MRS. KIM: She called you? LUKE: Twice. MRS. KIM: She called you, she called Lorelai. LUKE: Is everything okay? MRS. KIM: Everything's fine. I'm going home. LUKE: Okay. [Luke looks after her strangely as she drives home.] YALE [Rory and Lane walk outside in the snow with cups of coffee.] LANE: Let's not stray too far from the coffee cart. I can barely feel my feet this morning. RORY: The floor wasn't too comfortable, huh? LANE: No, tit was fine until Paris came home and stepped on my face. The stepping on my face wasn't too comfortable. RORY: Well, at least Paris doesn't tend to wear heels. LANE: Where was she so late? RORY: I don't know, Paris's business is Paris's business. LANE: I wish I lived in a dorm. RORY: Hey, have you called your mother yet? LANE: Nope. RORY: Oh good, because the longer you wait, the easier it's going to be. LANE: I still can't believe she didn't just show up in the middle of the night, kick down the door, douse the place with holy water. RORY: Maybe she wanted a chance to cool off. LANE: No, that's your mother. My mother's the kicker and the douser. No, Mrs. Kim is sending a message. RORY: What message is that? LANE: The message is, "You messed up, kid, and now you get to sit there and panic about what's gonna happen next, and while you're panicking thinking about what's gonna happen next, you get to find your own way home, cause the Mrs. Kim shuttle van service is closed for business." RORY: So, it's a wordy message. LANE: Everything's so screwed up: my life, everything I'm doing. RORY: It's not that bad. LANE: It is that bad. I mean, look at this. Look at where you are, look at what you have. [Losing her voice.] I'm so jealous you have a life. RORY: You have a life too. LANE: Yeah, just not a very good one. RORY: Lane, come on. You're healthy, you have a band and a boyfriend, and so what if school is boring? You won't be in school forever. You have a good life. LANE: I'm weak. I have no spine. RORY: [Gently] If you had no spine you'd be walking funny. LANE: I wanna thank you for letting me crash here last night. RORY: Of course, any time. LANE: I gotta get going. RORY: Well, hey. Do you want to wait till this afternoon? I can give you a ride home when I'm done with classes. LANE: Now. I have to get home. I have to take care of this. RORY: Okay, come on. LANE: Where are we going? RORY: Well, I can't send you home to Mrs. Kim without a purse full of mini donuts. LANE: You know, I believe that's how Mother Theresa got started. RORY: Really, I heard it was Pixie Stix. YALE CAFETERIA [Rory has just gotten her lunch and is walking to her table. She walks past William.] WILLIAM: Hey, it's Madeline Albright. [Rory slams down her tray on a table and walks back to him. RORY: You know what? I do not appreciate you calling me that. In fact, I don't appreciate you talking to me, or about me at all. WILLIAM: Fine. RORY: I know you've been telling the story. WILLIAM: What story? RORY: The laundry room story. Remember the laundry room? WILLIAM: Machines, rinse cycle - RORY: I asked you to get coffee, that's it. I did not ask you to get married, or say that I loved you, or ask to have your children. And I'm not stalking you! It was a complete coincidence that I happened to go into a meeting that you happened to be in. I had no idea you were there. And it's hard to ask someone out and it puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position! So, it's cruel to use that incident as a funny cocktail story. So from now on, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from telling the hilarious laundry room incident to anyone, anywhere, ever again. [She picks up her coat and begins to walk off.] WILLIAM: I wasn't talking about you. RORY: What? WILLIAM: There was this girl from the third floor, she asked me out like a 100 times. She followed me to class. She baked me a cake every day for a month, then she snuck in my window and hid in my closet, covered in whipped cream. RORY: Oh, well - that is a little ... extreme. WILLIAM: I didn't tell anybody about the laundry room. RORY: Well, good. [She turns to leave, but turns back.] Um, do you think that you could maybe not tell anyone this story also, 'cause, that would be great. Thanks. [She leaves.] KIM'S ANTIQUES [Mrs. Kim walks into Lane's room. She sits down on the bench at the end of Lane's bed. Looking around, she notices that a floorboard is loose. She lifts it up and realizes that there are CDs hidden there. Downstairs, Lane opens the front door of the house and walks upstairs to her room. Mrs. Kim has now found everything in her room, and 'contraband' is scattered everywhere. ] MRS. KIM: Is this all? [Lane walks over and lifts one more floorboard, pulling out a turntable.] LANE: That's all. [Pause] I'm sorry. MRS. KIM: About what? LANE: I'm sorry about last night. I don't want to keep secrets from you. MRS. KIM: [Gesturing to the room.] You don't? LANE: My band had this amazing chance to play this really famous club last night and I didn't know how to tell you about it. I knew you wouldn't approve, you wouldn't approve of me being in the band or the music we were playing and I can't even imagine what you would have said if I had asked you to let me stay out 'til four in the morning. MRS. KIM: I would have said no. LANE: Well, then I guess I could have imagined it after all. MRS. KIM: How long? LANE: How long what? MRS. KIM: How long ... this. LANE: I started it when I was six, the day you told me the Cookie Monster was one of the seven deadly sins. MRS. KIM: Gluttony. LANE: Yes, gluttony. MRS. KIM: So, I made you do this? LANE: No, I just - I want to please you so badly, but I can't. I mean, look at you, look at what happened last night. It's not good. I don't want anything like this to ever happen again. I've been thinking a lot about this, our situation, and I think I figured out a way to make everything better. MRS. KIM: You have? LANE: I don't want to go to Seventh Day Adventist College anymore. I want to be able to play with my band. I want to be a drummer. [smiling] I will happily go to community college, and I will happily live at home and adhere to your curfew, except on the nights when the band plays or practices. This way, I can get what I want and I won't be lying to you or sneaking around. This way we can both be happy. MRS. KIM: Children do not make the rules. You may ... move out and live like that somewhere else. [She leaves Lane in her room.] WESTON'S BAKERY [Lorelai is on the phone to Rory, who is at Yale.] LORELAI: Well, I think you handled that very well. RORY: I was so humiliated. LORELAI: You didn't know. RORY: How self-centered am I that I just assumed that he was talking about me? LORELAI: Well, I would have assumed the same thing, so, incredibly self-centered. RORY: All I know is I can't show my face in International Relations Club again, or the laundry room, or the dining room, or anywhere. LORELAI: Well hey, if that nut job who jumped out of his closet Reddi-Whipped is still hanging around, I think you're fine. RORY: Hey, it's 4:00. LORELAI: So? RORY: Where are the bells? LORELAI: They, uh, stopped. RORY: What happened? LORELAI: I don't know, they just haven't been working all day. RORY: Oh. Too bad. LORELAI: Yeah, ain't it though. [Someone knocks on the door of the Yale suite.] RORY: Someone's at the door. Call me tomorrow. LORELAI: [Half-heartedly] You bet. RORY: You okay? LORELAI: Yeah, why? RORY: You just sound a little distracted. LORELAI: Do I? No, I'm good, I just didn't get much sleep last night, that's all. RORY: Okay, see you later. LORELAI: Bye. [Rory answers the door. Lane is there with a suitcase.] LANE: Hi. RORY: What are you doing here? LANE: Well, funny you should ask. [Lane rolls her suitcase in the door.]

Plan: A: the house; Q: Where does Lane sneak out of? A: Gil; Q: Who gets the band a gig at CBGB's? A: a 1:00 a.m.; Q: When does Gil get the band a gig? A: Lorelai; Q: Who is initially distressed when she learns that Luke has moved to Litchfield to live with Nicole? A: their own hands; Q: Luke and Lorelai take matters into what? A: newly restored church bells; Q: What turns out to be less welcome than originally anticipated? A: William; Q: Who does Rory get personal with? A: a political discussion; Q: What kind of discussion does Rory have with William? A: embarrassing stories; Q: What does Rory suspect William has been spreading about her? A: a visit; Q: What does Lorelai do to Luke's apartment? A: a long-overdue talk; Q: What do Lane and her mother have? A: life-changing consequences; Q: What are the consequences of Lane and her mother's talk? A: Mrs. Kim; Q: Who discovers Lane's secret life? A: her daughter's secret life; Q: What does Mrs. Kim discover? Summary: Lane sneaks out of the house when Gil gets the band a 1:00 a.m. gig at CBGB's. Luke and Lorelai take matters into their own hands when newly restored church bells turn out to be less welcome than originally anticipated. Rory gets personal with William during a political discussion when she suspects that he's been spreading embarrassing stories about her. Lorelai is initially distressed when she learns that Luke has moved to Litchfield to live with Nicole, but a visit to his apartment over the diner dispels her worries. Lane and her mother have a long-overdue talk with life-changing consequences after Mrs. Kim discovers her daughter's secret life.

ACT ONE Scene One - The Frasier Crane Show. Frasier, on the air, is listening to a caller, and Roz is in her booth. While the caller is talking, Frasier looks into Roz's booth and sees that an agitated-looking Noel has entered. Noel has a brief conversation with Roz; she looks worried, takes off her headphones, and leaves the booth hurriedly with Noel. June: [v.o.] Well, my husband is always criticising me, because in restaurants I like to listen in on strangers' conversations. I don't know why he makes such a big deal out of nothing. Through the window behind Frasier, we see that Roz and Noel have entered the corridor outside Frasier's studio, and are in a heated discussion with various other members of the KACL staff. Frasier: Well June, I suppose your lack of interest makes your husband feel invisible. Imagine what it must be like to sit [takes a glance through the window] across from someone who's constantly scanning, [picks up the microphone and turns away from the console to looks through the window] searching, craning their neck to see... Just what the hell is going on out there? June: Oh gosh, you're right! I've been insensitive. It's just common decency to stay focused on the other person. Frasier, focused on the events outside, has not been listening. Frasier: Huh? [turns back to his console] What? Oh, well, good for you, Jane! June: [annoyed] June! Frasier: Oh, yeah, well, whatever! Er, this is Dr Frasier Crane. KACL 780. [stabs at a button and rips his headphones off] He gets up and leaves hurriedly via Roz's booth. CUT TO: outside Kate's office. An anxious crowd of KACL staffers, among them Roz and Noel, has gathered. Frasier enters. Frasier: What is going on? A few staffers gesture towards a notice board. Roz: [angry, slaps a memo on the board] Oh, our beloved station manager decided we're not getting our raise this year! Frasier: [furious] What? [rips the memo off and crumples it] This is an outrage! I have a contract! Roz: Don't palpitate, it doesn't apply to the on-air talent. Frasier: [calm] Oh, thank God. He proceeds to straighten out the crumpled memo and pin it neatly back onto the board. When he has finished, he notices that the crowd is watching him unhappily. Frasier: [embarrassed] I'm sorry... I was being selfish, wasn't I? I, er, feel very ashamed. It is nevertheless, er, an outrage. It's not a personal outrage but certainly a, a family of man outrage. Roz: [tearful] Frasier, I spent that raise already - on my new diamond earrings! I love them. I love them so much, I slept with them! Frasier: Well, Roz, as long as you're doing it for love, it's a step in the right direction! He goes to leave. Roz: Real supportive, Frasier! We've been getting that raise every year, and now this Nazi in nylons comes waltzing in here and cancels it with some vague crap about corporate belt- tightening. This isn't fair! The assembled staffers agree. Frasier: Oh, oh, actually you're right! Er you, maybe you should tell her what you just told me. Er, except I would leave out the "Nazi in nylons" bit. It's not your best icebreaker. Roz: Oh, you're damn right we're gonna tell her! The staffers cheer. Roz: [to the crowd] We've all been here a hell of a lot longer than she has! Frasier: That's right! The staffers cheer again. Behind Roz, Kate enters quietly from her office. Roz: She pushes us, we push back! The staffers, noticing Kate, are conspicuously silent. Roz: She's standing right behind me, isn't she? Kate: Yeah. Roz turns around to confront her, but like all the other staffers, she suddenly becomes mute and cowed in Kate's presence. Kate: Is there a problem? Nope? Good. She goes to leave. The crowd parts to let her through. Everyone is obviously terrified. Except for... Frasier: Kate? Kate: [stops amidst the crowd] Doc...? Frasier: Er, these people... would like to speak with you. Kate: No, I'm sorry, I can't talk right now, I've got a meeting. [turns to leave] Frasier: Well I-I'm sorry, excuse me? I think your meeting can wait five minutes. Now they're a little upset about your memo. I think you should discuss it with them. Kate: Dr Crane... I wrote the memo, I signed the memo, I posted the memo. If I had anything more to say, I would have put it... Anybody? Noel: [puts up his hand] In the memo? Kate: Bravo. She leaves. Roz: Okay. If she wants to play tough, we'll play tough back. We still have a lot of power here. Now we could go on strike... The staffers make noises of reluctance. Roz: [annoyed at them] Yes! Frasier: Look, look, you know er, I, I think you should listen to Roz. Every year in exchange for your hard work you receive a five percent raise. Now, you've fulfilled your part of the bargain; she has blithely changed the deal. Noel: In the 'hood, they call that "being dissed." Frasier: Yes, my streetwise friend. [to the crowd] You have a right to stand up for yourselves. Roz: Okay. We gonna do this? Are we together? Noel: What's the point? If we strike they'll just replace us. They only care about the on-air people. Roz: Aaah, so we'll get their support! Frasier just said he's on our side! The staffers are happy to hear this. Frasier: [unsure] I did? Well, well, yes I, I did, I did, yes. But, heh, my meagre endorsement is, is meaningless without the support of the... other talent. Roz: [gleeful] Did you hear that? Frasier's gonna get everyone on our side! The staffers cheer. Frasier: What? [reluctant] Er I, I'd love to, to help, but you know, I'm already in hot water with that woman! You can't ask me to raise a mutiny against her! Noel steps up to Frasier with a timely quote. Noel: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one." James Tiberius Kirk, Captain, Starship Enterprise. [does the Vulcan salute] Frasier: Go away, you annoying little man. He nudges Noel away and goes to leave. Roz: [imploring] Please? Frasier: [thinks about it, then enthusiastic] Oh alright, alright! You organise your people, I'll talk to mine! The staffers cheer and Noel shakes Frasier's hand. [SCENE_BREAK] COULDN'T WE JUST STOP EATING GRAPES Scene Two - Frasier's apartment. What looks like a quiet party is in progress. There are four guests standing around, talking to each other and to Frasier. Daphne is offering people some food from a tray; Martin is arranging a similar tray on the dining table; Eddie is sitting in The Armchair. A fifth guest - Bulldog - enters from the kitchen, clutching a beer. He goes to The Armchair. Bulldog: [to Eddie] Hey, beat it. Eddie barks at him. Bulldog barks back. Eddie scrambles off The Armchair and scurries out of the room, scared. Bulldog: [to Eddie] Hey, if you can't run with The Bulldog, stay on the porch. He settles into The Armchair. The doorbell rings. Frasier answers it to Niles. Frasier: Niles. Niles: [enters and gives a pen to Frasier] Good evening, Frasier; you left your Mont Blanc in my car, so I... [sees the guests] Oh. [icily] I see cocktails. Hors d'oeuvres. Mingling. If I were the suspicious type, I'd say you were throwing a party to which I was not invited. Martin approaches, bearing a tray of sausages. He offers it to Niles. Martin: Feel like a wiener, Niles? Niles: Indeed I do. Frasier: [annoyed] Niles, this is not a party; and dad, that is fourteen-dollar-a-pound andouille sausage. Martin: Wow. Means Eddie ate about thirty bucks' worth. Martin returns to the guests. Frasier: Niles, these people are colleagues from the station. We're here to discuss a labour dispute. Niles: [assuaged] Oh, well. [to the guests] Fight on, people! [to Frasier] You know, there is no greater friend to the working man than my own Maris. Frasier: Mmm. Niles: Remember, when our stable boy Wakim's appendix burst? She had him driven back to the border at her own personal expense! He leaves. Frasier is just about to close the door when three other guests arrive. One of them is the excruciatingly camp Gil Chesterton. Gil: Ah, good evening, Frasier! Frasier: Gil, Sheryl, Floyd! Gil: Oh! What a stunning apartment! Frasier: Well... Gil strides around the room enthusiastically. Gil: The palette is pure, subtle elegance! The detailing... well, it's inspired! [examines a statuette] And the furnishings... [sees The Armchair and stops in his tracks] Oh, dear. Is that a chair? Frasier: [trying to smile] That is my father's chair. Gil: Oh. Well... this must be your father! He shakes hands with Martin. Martin: Hi - Marty Crane. You put on quite a show! Gil: [pleased] Oh, you've heard my little programme? Martin: No, I mean just coming through the door. He sits in The Armchair, which has been vacated by Bulldog. Bulldog: [to Frasier] Doc, doc! Can we hurry this thing up? I got a charity event tonight. She's not much to look at, but what the hell. Frasier addresses the assembled group of eight KACL personalities. Frasier: Okay, well, since we're all here... Er, now, regarding management's claim of financial distress, I've done some checking around, and I've found that the advertising revenues are up eleven-and-a-half per cent... He is interrupted by a starstruck squeal from Daphne, who has noticed Gil. Daphne: Gil Chesterton, the restaurant critic! Gil: [takes and bites into a snack from Daphne's tray] Yes. Daphne: Oh, I just love those wicked things you say when the food is bad! Gil: [picks the snack out of his mouth in disgust] Well, keep bringing these and you won't be disappointed! As Frasier continues his speech, Daphne sits down at the dining table, looking slightly pouty. Frasier: [to the KACL personalities] The wage freeze is unwarranted. It is simply a ploy of an overly ambitious station manager, [angry] and typical of this woman! She has terrorised us, she has tampered with our shows. It's time we said no to this Princess of Darkness! Bulldog: I got a better idea. Why don't we just walk up to Mike Tyson and tell him he talks funny? Frasier: [unamused] What about our support staff? If we don't back this strike, they may lose their jobs! They're powerless without our support. Gil: Frasier, old man, why do they need raises? You're talking about people who eat corn dogs and nachos. Frasier: [annoyed] That statement is appallingly elitist. Gil: Well thank you, Mister Everyday People! The other KACL personalities snigger. Bulldog: Hey, I'm sure we'd all like to help these people, but we need our jobs. We're working stiffs too, living from paycheck-to-paycheck just like they are. Niles re-enters. Niles: Excuse me, someone's blocking me in downstairs. Who has a BMW? Five out of the eight guests, including Gil and Bulldog, proudly put up their hands. Niles: A red BMW. [Two hands are still up] With a red interior. Gil: Oh, that's me! He goes to Niles at the doorway. Frasier shakes his head in exasperation. Niles: [to Gil] Just give me your key; I'll leave it to the doorman. Gil: [at the doorway] Oh, no no. I was just leaving. Bulldog: Oh, I'm going too. [goes to leave] Frasier: [frustrated] Well... where are your ethics? Where's your conscience? Bulldog: Where's your john? I need to slap on some Canoe. The other KACL personalities file to the doorway. Frasier, defeated, slumps onto the couch in despair. Martin: Hey, I'm with you people! To heck with the workers. They're not yours! Bulldog: Hey, damn right! The other personalities, on their way out, agree. Martin: And chances are, after the station manager crushes the little people, she won't come after you big shots. Bulldog: Right. [slightly unsure] Why would she...? Martin: Well, I mean er, supposing she's trying to save money, you're the big ticket items. Erm, after all this, well, she won't have to worry about the support staff backing you guys up, will she? [laughs, half to himself] Oh but no, that's crazy. The assembled big shots pause to think about this. Gil: [worried] You're not suggesting that... Kate might be coming after our money next? Martin: [to the personalities] No, she wouldn't do that! She's a peach, right? Soft as a cream puff. Frasier: [ominously sarcastic] And we all know no-one here is overpaid... Gil: Suddenly, I'm feeling very Norma Rae. He shuts the door and, along with all of the other now uncomfortable- looking personalities, returns to the middle of the room. Frasier, reinvigorated, gets up. Frasier: Great! I'll get us some more wine. [quietly to Martin] Dad, that was brilliant, using reverse psychology! I guess living with me is rubbing off on you a little bit. Frasier heads towards the kitchen. Martin gets up and follows him. Martin: Well, I guess it's only natural that environmental factors would influence personality development... Frasier: Alright. Martin: Well, oh wait I, I hope I didn't hit some long-repressed Oedipal nerve... Frasier: Very funny. Martin: Because the last thing we want is for you to be sublimating your anger passive/aggressive... Frasier: Oh, alright! Just stop it, you wise ass! Martin: [pats Frasier on the back] Ha-hey! Looks like I'm rubbing off on you, too! They enter the kitchen. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO THE BLOODLESS COUP Scene One - KACL In Roz's booth, various KACL staffers - including Roz and Noel - are quietly talking. Frasier enters from the corridor. Frasier: Alright, people! I have spoken with the on-air talent, and I... Noel: [interrupts] Shhh! Ixnay, Dr Crane... He creeps over to the studio door and closes it. Frasier: [mildly sarcastic] Ah, yes. You've really dropped the cone of silence now. Anyway, I have delivered on my promise: the talent is behind you. If you strike, we strike. All for one and one for all! The staffers cheer. Frasier: Okay! So who is our spokesperson - who is leading the charge? Noel steps forth in what he hopes is a heroic and intimidating manner. Noel: I am - you want to make something of it? [to himself] Oh shoot, I smiled again! [laughs] Frasier: Rozalinda, a word. He gestures towards the studio and leaves for it; Roz follows him. CUT TO: the studio as she enters and Frasier closes the door, separating them from the staffers. Frasier: Our leader is Noel Shempsky?! The man has all the backbone of a paramecium! Roz: Well, do you think that it's my idea? Noel and I were the only two who volunteered. 'Course, they voted me down. I'm smarter than he is, more confident, more articulate, [hot- headed] but those stupid little WUSSES think I'm a HOT-HEAD! Frasier: But Noel, Roz! A lot of people's jobs are riding on this - including mine! Roz: Then you do it! Frasier: [worried] Me? Roz: Yes! Frasier: [very worried] No no, me? Roz: Oh, please! Frasier: [panicky] Me? No, no, I've done enough already, oh... They are interrupted by an irritating knocking on the door of Roz's booth. Frasier opens it. Frasier: [angry] What? Noel enters with what he hopes is resolve. Behind him, some staffers peep through the doorway. Noel: Dr Crane, I can see that you're concerned about my negotiating skills. But don't be - I have a secret weapon: I can faint at will. Check it out... He collapses, hitting the floor with a loud bump, and he does not get up. Roz and the others stare at him; Frasier makes a decision. Frasier: [to the staffers] Okay people, there's been a coup. I am now your leader! The staffers cheer. Frasier: [points] To the lair of the She-Wolf! They leave via Roz's booth. CUT TO: outside Kate's office as a militant crowd of staffers, now led by a determined-looking Frasier, march in. Kate enters from her office and is slightly taken aback. Kate: Wow. What have we here? Frasier: We are dissatisfied with the wage freeze and we demand to speak to you about it. [to the crowd] Don't we? The crowd agrees. Kate: Alright, but aren't you people still on the clock? The crowd agrees. And leaves immediately, abandoning Frasier to a bemused Kate. Kate: Well hi-ho the dairy-o, the cheese stands alone. Frasier: [affecting unconcern] They're a shrewd group. They only flex their muscles when they have to. [shouts to the off-screen staffers] Well done! Kate: [amused] Yeah, right. Will you get in here? She enters her office and is followed by Frasier. CUT TO: the office. Kate sits on the front of her desk as Frasier closes the door. Kate: I'm kinda surprised to see you here. This really isn't your fight, is it? Frasier: [proud] I am honoured to have been chosen by my colleagues to speak for them. Kate: Oh. That's a shame. I was kinda looking forward to seeing Shempsky faint. Frasier: Well, we have a lot to do, so we may as well just get to it... [gazes at Kate] Is that a, a new hairdo? It's very fetching. Kate: [gazes at Frasier; mildly sarcastic] Oooh, is that a new tie? It just lights up your pretty face. Frasier: [frustrated] Look, what is it about us? I mean, why all this friction between us? For my own part, your intolerable smugness reminds me of my ex-wife. But... what is the source of your antipathy toward me? Was there some intimidating male figure in your childhood? A father? A, a priest? A department store Santa... I don't know, I'm just spit-balling here! Kate: I have an idea about the source of our antagonism. Frasier: [smug] Good. Do let me hear it. He sits down in an armchair. Kate stands up and leans over him. Kate: I'm a woman, I'm as smart as you, and I'm your boss. Frasier: Coincidences, all! Kate: Doc... I don't want to analyse your hang-ups. I already got a full-time job. Let's just get down to business, okay? She goes around to the other side of her desk and sits in her swivel chair. Frasier: Oh, very well. There's really very little to discuss. These people were promised a raise. They have fulfilled their part of the bargain; it's time for you to honour yours. You have twenty-four hours. Kate: Or? Frasier: We walk, en masse. Including the on-air talent. I've seen to that myself. Kate: You have. Frasier: Mmm-hm. Kate: [suddenly fed-up] Why are you gunning for me? Frasier: [angry] Gunning? For you? This isn't about you, it's about what you're doing to those people. It's the shame of Seattle! Kate: No, no; this is about your ego, which is the SIZE of Seattle! Every suggestion, every decision I've made has been met by this impenetrable wall of arrogance masquerading as righteousness. Frasier: Oh ho ho ho ho, that's a desperate shot - attacking me because I have a social conscience! Kate: No, what you have is a fat contract, and so do the rest of your cronies. So when it came time for staff raises, there was no more money left in the till! Frasier: [incensed] Oh, you are twisting things to make it look like it's my fault! [stands up] Oh, it's true what they say: the devil comes disguised as a beautiful woman! Frasier and Kate are now in a stand-off over the desk. Their altercation becomes increasingly passionate, in more ways than one. Kate: [stands up too] There would've been raises if you hadn't taken all the money to pay for those Armani suits. Frasier: Oh, oh, what about you? Let's not overlook that pricey little Fendi scarf you're wearing! Kate: Well, what about this designer cologne on you? Frasier: Well, how about those pouty lips that must have cost you a fortune in collagen injections! Kate: These lips are mine, you arrogant gasbag! Frasier: You intractable despot! Kate: BLOWHARD! Frasier: TYRANT!! Kate: ASS!!! Frasier: SHREW!!!! Suddenly they grab each other and kiss, violently. Kate grabs the lapels of Frasier's jacket and pushes him away. Kate: [breathless] Get out...! But she pulls him close and they kiss, again. Kate pushes Frasier away once more. Kate: [distraught] Now! Frasier rushes to the door, stops for a moment to glance back in horror, and then leaves. Kate slumps over her desk. [SCENE_BREAK] I DRAW THE LINE AT BLANCHE DUBOIS Scene Two - Frasier's apartment. Martin and Daphne are present. The doorbell rings and Martin goes to open the door; it is Niles, and he looks like a nervous wreck. Martin: Hey, Niles! Niles: [stumbles in] Maris found a grey hair. Martin: [closes the door] Daphne, get Niles a brandy. Daphne does so. Niles sits down on the couch as Martin heads for The Armchair. Niles: It was right at the apex of her widow's peak. Martin: Better bring the bottle! [sits in The Armchair] Niles: She blames me, dad. She said it's from the stress I caused her last night when I thoughtlessly turned on the light while she was getting undressed. Daphne hands Niles a glass of brandy, along with the bottle, and sits next to him on the couch armrest. Then, a worried-looking Frasier enters through the front door. Daphne gets up and goes to him enthusiastically. Daphne: [to Frasier] Oh! Good evening, Dr Crane! Oh, let me take that for you. [takes his coat and goes to hang it up] After all, you are the friend of the working man! Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. Daphne: Defender of the little people... Frasier: Alright, Daphne... Daphne: [hanging Frasier's coat on the hook] Standing up to the boss on behalf of the downtrodden, selflessly risking your own... Frasier: [loses his temper] Don't you have some meat to boil? The others stare at him. Frasier: [calms down] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I apologise, it's just been a, a, a bad day. I was elected by the employees to present our demands to, to Kate. Daphne: Oh well, that was a smart move! Did you give her a good tongue-lashing? Frasier: In a manner of speaking, yes. Martin: I'm proud of you, son. Frasier: No, don't be, dad - I'm a fraud. Daphne goes to the dining table and cleans it up. Frasier: [depressed] I, I was in her office... tempers flared and, the next thing I knew, we were... Daphne leaves for the kitchen. Frasier: ...locked in a... passionate kiss! Daphne returns, suddenly. Daphne: [intrigued] Ooooh, go on! Frasier: [slightly embarrassed] Daphne, I'm really not that comfortable talking about this in front of you. Daphne: Oh, no need to be shy around me. I'm a professional health care worker! I've seen it all! I've helped your father in and out of the bathtub. Martin: Okay, Daphne... Daphne: I've seen his bits! Martin: [outraged] Hey! Oh, for God's sake! [to Frasier] Just tell her, will you? Frasier: Oh, alright. It was like nothing I've ever experienced before, it was just... pure s*x! Overwhelming, unexpected, animal-like! Niles: [sarcastic] Oh well, that! We've all experienced that, who hasn't? Pfff! Daphne: I'm no stranger to that feeling meself. [goes to the couch] It can strike without warning. And you don't know who it will be! [sits on the armrest again] Why, you could be standing next to a person [gestures towards Niles] month after month, and then the next thing you know, you're tearing each other's clothes off! There's a word for it... Niles: [to himself] Hope. Daphne: Hmmm? Frasier: Oh, this is madness! I'm actually lusting after a woman that does nothing but grate on my nerves. I can't stand her! Daphne: Oh really, Dr Crane! Would a man want to have s*x with a woman he doesn't even like? To her dismay, all of the males present answer to the positive. Frasier: [thoughtful] What about her? Maybe she's been harbouring feelings for me. Is it possible that she could have been lusting after me all this time? Martin: Oh, it could be. But... you know, you were in the middle of a negotiation. Maybe she laid that smackeroo on you just to rattle your brain. Niles: Dad has a point. Your musk-drenched animal magnetism aside, it's quite possible that she was simply manipulating you. Frasier: Oh, I hardly think so. [smiles] The woman's passion... seemed genuine. Daphne: [knowingly] Yes - it always does. [gets up and goes to the dining table] Frasier: Do you suppose it's possible she's just using s*x to sway me to her side? Martin: Well, figure it out. Who made the first move? You or her? Frasier: There was no first move. It was more like spontaneous sexual combustion. Martin: There's always a first move. Think. Frasier: Alright. I was standing in front of her desk like so. [walks up to the coffee table in front of Niles] She was facing me... Niles, you be Kate. Niles: [insulted] I will not. Frasier: Look, just stand up! Niles: [exasperated] I'm always the girl! In every prep school play I was the girl! Guinevere, Marian the Librarian, Ado Annie. Well, no more, I'm through with it! When do I get to be Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo'?! Frasier: [angry] This is getting me nowhere! [goes for his coat] Alright. I'll just have to go down there and confront her myself. [grabs his coat and wears it, while walking to the door] Find out if what she was feeling was actually genuine or she was simply being a conniving femme fatale! Daphne: Oh, come on now, Dr Crane! It's not like men have never used s*x to get what they want. Frasier: [annoyed] How can we possibly USE s*x to get what we want?! s*x IS what we want! He exits, leaving the two remaining males nodding their heads and the female even more dismayed. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - KACL; Kate's office. Kate is alone behind her desk, facing away from the door and looking through some papers. Her jacket is off and her bare arms are now visible. Someone knocks on the door; it is Frasier, and he peeps in timidly. Kate glances at him, nervous. She slowly turns to face him as he creeps into the room and quietly closes the door. At the beginning their conversation is conducted awkwardly and from opposite ends of the room. Frasier: Kate. Kate: Frasier. Frasier: Er... I think we have some issues to discuss. Kate: Me too. Have a seat. Frasier: I'd prefer to stand. Kate: Me too. Frasier: Let's talk about the kiss. Kate: Yeah. Let's. Frasier: Alright. Why did it happen? Some possibilities: [sidles up to the desk] Er, frustration; passion; the stress of the situation; [pauses meaningfully] Manipulation. Kate: [intrigued] Manipulation... that is interesting. Frasier: What's interesting is that you focused on manipulation. Why...? Kate: Because there's a possibility of manipulation. Frasier: [triumphant] So, you admit that you were manipulating me! Kate: Me? I'm talking about you! How dare you think I'd do a thing like that! Frasier: Well, it's not unheard of for a woman like you to use her feminine wiles to get what she wants. Kate: Oh, very clever! What about you using your masculine wiles to get what you want? Frasier, surprised, thinks about this. Frasier: [quietly] You think my wiles are masculine? Kate: No, I am not going down that road again. Frasier: [smug] 'Course you're not. Because at the end of that road is a cul-de-sac of vulnerability. That's not you, is it? No, you're cement-hard. Kate: [incredulous] "Cul-de-sac of vulnerability"? [fed-up] Alright, listen. You see me for a couple of hours out of every day, and you think you know me? The me me? Alright, I can be tough - okay, I've gotta be. I can also be tender... spontaneous... shy... lusty... playful. Frasier: [turned on] Kittenish? Kate: I could climb you like a scratching post. Frasier/Kate: [excited, then:] Damn it! It's kissing time again. Kate leaps onto her desk and kneels upon it, snogging Frasier. Now it is Frasier's turn to disengage. Frasier: [distraught] Stop! What are we doing?! [goes to the door] Now... there are people out there counting on us! Kate moves off her desk and stands in front of it, rearranging her clothing. Kate: Right, you're absolutely right. We've gotta put personal pleasure aside until we get this thing resolved. Frasier: [determined] Absolutely. We owe it to them. If it takes every minute of every hour of every day, and every ounce of strength we have, we have got to settle this strike! [claps his hands together] Alright. Those people deserve a five percent raise. Kate: I'll give you three. Frasier: Four! Kate: Done. They kiss. Embracing each other, they stumble up against the desk; Frasier sweeps some items off and they fall on top of it, still kissing. CUT TO: outside at the same time. Plenty of KACL staffers and personalities, among them Gil and Noel, are standing around, waiting anxiously; Roz has her ear to the door of Kate's office. Bulldog enters from the corridor. Bulldog: Hey, any news? Roz: [takes her ear away, pleased] Frasier's hanging tough! He just keeps pounding that desk and saying, "More, more, more!" Bulldog: Okay! The staffers cheer. The door to Kate's office opens just a crack and Frasier slips out, looking furtive and somewhat dishevelled. He closes the door and keeps his back to it while addressing the crowd. Frasier: Good news - she's offered three percent. Everyone agrees to take it. Frasier: No, never! I'm going to get you four! I don't care if I have to stay in there all night! He goes back in. The assembled staffers and personalities cheer him on and, led by Gil, chant his name: "FRASIER, FRASIER, FRASIER!" TO BE CONTINUED... END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] KACL; Kate's office. Noel is standing in front of the desk and gesticulating at a seated Kate. He dumps a piece of paper in front of her and points at it peremptorily; she signs it, terrified and submissive. He does a bit of heroic posing before leaving in triumph. Cut to outside. Noel the Master Negotiator presents the paper to a reception of adoring staffers, and gets a dramatic hug and kiss from a very adoring Roz. Then cut to Noel waking up at his office desk - oh no, it was all a dream! There is no-one around. Noel, disappointed with reality, decides to go back to sleep.

Plan: A: KACL; Q: What is the name of the radio station? A: 5%; Q: What is the annual raise that Kate refuses to pay? A: Roz; Q: Who convinces Frasier to rally his colleagues? A: spokesman; Q: What does Roz persuade Frasier to be? A: Kate's office; Q: Where do the staff march to? A: The discussion; Q: What grows into a fierce argument? A: an intense mutual lust; Q: What does the argument transform into? Summary: The support staff at KACL are indignant because Kate refuses to pay their annual 5% raise. However, they are also too frightened to confront her about it. The decision does not affect the on-air talent, but Roz persuades Frasier to rally his colleagues round in support of those who are affected (and also to act as spokesman in place of Noel). They march to Kate's office, but when she comes out everyone else flees, leaving Frasier to argue their case alone. The discussion grows to a fierce argument, which suddenly transforms into an intense mutual lust, whereupon Kate kisses Frasier passionately before throwing him out.

cene: The apartment. Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do? Howard: I say, hey Ma, what's for dinner?" Sheldon: Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. By the by, I liked it, too. Leonard: Hey, how go the wedding plans, Howard? Howard: Great. We spent five hours last night at Macy's registering for gifts. Looks like I'm finally going to have that darling little earthenware asparagus dish I've always wanted. Leonard: See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing whatever I want. Howard: You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower? Leonard: Maybe. We enter the dungeon. Sheldon: You see a dragon. Howard: Really? So we're playing Dungeons and Dragons, and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon? Isn't that a little on the nose? Sheldon: When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders? Leonard: Are you gonna eat that whole pie? Raj: Maybe. Why not? Who do I have in my life to watch my figure for? Leonard: Oh, God, did you watch Bridget Jones again? Raj: No, it's just that everybody's got someone. Sheldon's with Amy, Howard's getting married, you're dating my sister. Leonard: Now that Howard's getting married, maybe he'll inflate one of his old girlfriends for you. Raj: You know who I blame for my loneliness? The United States of America. Your movies and your TV shows promised streets paved with beautiful blonde women with big bazongas. Howard: Eat another pie, you'll have your own bazongas. Raj: That's cruel. You know it goes straight to my hips. Sheldon: Gentlemen, please focus. You're facing a fire-breathing dragon. Raj: I don't know if I want to play anymore. Sheldon: Because you don't have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons and Dragons, this game's in serious trouble. Credits sequence. Scene: Penny's apartment. Amy: Now, I assume we use this same wax later on to neaten up each other's bikini regions. Penny: Yeah, my bikini region is fine. Amy: Who's shocked? I'm not. So, Bernadette, how's the wedding planning going? And I'm not asking as a prospective bridesmaid. Pick me! Pick me! Bernadette: We went cake-tasting yesterday. Raj came along. He cried and ate half the samples. Penny: Oh, the poor guy's so lonely. We should set him up with someone. Bernadette: You know, I met a really cute girl at work. She's married to a guy in one of our drug trials. Penny: Well, hello? She's married. Bernadette: Yeah, but her husband is in serious congestive heart failure, and a little birdie told me he's in the placebo group. Penny: Okay, so future grief-stricken widow is the one to beat. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Leonard: Are we ready to order? Sheldon: One moment. I'm conducting an experiment. Howard: With Dungeons and Dragons dice? Sheldon: Yes. From here on in, I've decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven. Howard: So, what's for dinner? Sheldon: A side of corn succotash. Hmm. Interesting. Penny: Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please? Howard: Uh, I don't want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats. Penny: Uh, no, that's not it. Just come with me, please. Sheldon: Let's see what I'll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas. Leonard: Do you really want that? Sheldon: That's the great thing. It doesn't matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things. Raj: What's it thinking about now? Sheldon: Hamburgers and lemonade. Penny: Um, Raj, there's someone I want you to meet. This is my friend Emily. I know her from my spin class. Raj, relax. She can't hear you. She's deaf. Howard (signing): Emily, this is our friend Raj. Penny: Oh! Look at you guys just hitting it off. I am so good. Raj: Hi. Howard: She says it's nice to meet you. Raj: Does she really mean that or was she signing it sarcastically? Howard: Raj says it's nice to meet you, too. She says she has to go back to her family, but Penny has her number if you want to text her and get together. Raj: Okay, I'm going to play it cool. Tell her, maybe. Whatever, babe. Howard: He'll text you. Raj: Ah, look at that. I have a date. I love America again. Sheldon: And now for dessert, come on, hot fudge sundae, come on, hot fudge sundae. Bam! That's what I'm talking about! Scene: A coffee shop. Raj: Okay, as soon as she gets here, so she knows I'm cool with it, I'm going to make a joke about her being deaf. I was thinking, hey, did you hear the one about...? Oh, no, I bet you didn't. Howard: Maybe we should revisit your lonely fat guy plan. Raj: Oh, she's here. Howard: No joke. Oh, she says she's sorry she's late. Raj: Tell her it doesn't matter. Tell her, her eyes shimmer like opalescent lilies in the lake of the palace of the celestial maidens. Howard: Really? That's the first thing you want to say? Raj: I worked on it all night. Use it. Howard: Look, I don't know the sign for opalescent. Raj: Then spell it. Howard: I don't know how to spell it. Raj: You're blowing this for me! Howard: He likes your eyes. Raj: You're making me sound like a caveman. Howard: She says, thank you, you have nice eyes, too." Raj: Really? Ask her how many children she wants, and whatever number she says, say, me too. Howard: No. Raj: Fine. Tell her I have a deep, sexy voice like James Earl Jones. Howard: She doesn't know what James Earl Jones sounds like. Raj: Great. Then she won't know I'm lying. Scene: The same, later. Raj: Let's see, what else can I tell you about me that would make you like me? Ooh, I love music. Do you love music? Howard: You really want to ask her that? Raj: You're right. Everyone loves music. Howard: She says, do you play an instrument? Raj: No, but when I was six years old, I tried to start a boy band called Frankie Goes to Bollywood. But I couldn't get any other boys to join, so my parents asked the servants to be my backup dancers. Wait, when you sign servants, don't sign it like I'm bragging. Sign it in a way that I sound humble with just a hint of, that's right, I had servants. Howard: Do you hear yourself Raj: Yes, but she doesn't. So get signing, hand monkey. Scene: The same, later. Howard (translating for Emily): I think I wrote a letter to Santa Claus every day. And then on Christmas morning, under the tree is a little puppy with a red ribbon. Raj: What are you doing? Howard: Texting Bernadette that I'm gonna be late. Raj: Dude, what is she saying? Howard: It's a funny story about a puppy. Just smile and laugh. Quick, quick, stop smiling. Raj: What? Why? Howard: The puppy died, it choked on a doll head. Sad face, sad face! Scene: Outside the coffee shop. Raj: It's a little hard to see with the city lights, but that W-shaped constellation is Cassiopeia. And she was the mother of Andromeda who's over there. Howard: Look, pretty stars. This is her car. She hopes she can see you again sometime. Raj: Good, good. Oh, boy, help me out here. Does she want me to kiss her or not? Howard: I speak sign language, I don't read minds. Raj: If you were me, would you kiss her? Howard: Yeah, but I'm a make out king. (She kisses Raj and gets into car) Raj: I was so smooth on that date. Howard: You? I made you smooth. You were an idiot. Raj: Whatever, dude. She kissed me. Howard: It might've been on your lips, but it was my kiss. Raj: Oh, fine. Let's agree she kissed both of us. Howard: Okay. Scene: The apartment. Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon. Sheldon: Don't thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave. Howard: Why are you still doing this? Sheldon: Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I've co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle. Leonard: You left out, got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants. Sheldon: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away. Penny: Is Raj out with Emily again? Leonard: Yeah, every night for the last month. Penny: Wow, can't believe he has a girlfriend. Sheldon (rolls dice): Me neither. Howard: Here's some other fun news on the Raj/Emily front. He gave her a pair of diamond earrings and leased her a car. Penny: You're kidding. Leonard: You think she's taking advantage of him? Penny: Oh, of course not. She wouldn't do something like that. She's deaf. Leonard: Deaf women can't be gold diggers? Penny: Handicapped people are nice, Leonard. Everyone knows that. Sheldon: Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion. Leonard: Could you tell us? Sheldon: Let's see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud. Penny: Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again. Sheldon: Okay, get this. It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy. Penny: What do you mean, vastly wealthy? Sheldon: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I'm not sure what's tripping you up. Leonard: Look, I know they have money. I don't think it's that much. Sheldon: No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich, they're Richie Rich rich. Penny: Well, so how much is that? Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck. Howard: What the hell? The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro. Leonard: Listen, guys, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister, who I love so much. So vastly much. Penny: Okay, so he's got money, and it's a few gifts and a car. Howard: And she got him to pay off all her credit cards. Penny: What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could've dated Raj for a couple months. But I, I wouldn't have, because I'm not that kind of girl. We should really talk to Raj. Howard: He's not going to listen, he's in love. Sheldon: Can't figure out what to do? I remember those days. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to... (rolls dice) stay right here. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The gym. Howard: Yeah, this is a bad idea. We should go. Penny: No. I'm the one that introduced him to her. I've got to say something. Howard: Wow. Penny: You're engaged to my friend. Howard: Hey, Bernadette doesn't mind where I get my motor running, as long as I park in the right garage. Penny: I can't believe you're engaged to my friend. Oh, here she comes. Howard: Smart. Whisper so the deaf chick can't hear you. Penny: Hi. Howard (translating): Oh, hey, hi. Nice to see you. Penny: Um, can we talk to you about Raj? Howard: She says, sure, what about him? Penny: Okay, um, gosh, how do I start? Um, see, Raj is kind of naive. I mean, he hasn't dated a whole lot of women. And I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him. You know, by letting him buy you a bunch of expensive things.And I.. I... Howard, focus. Tell her what I'm saying. Howard: Right. Are you a gold digger or not? Oh, uh, something, something, who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself. Oh, wait, I got this now. Scene: Penny's apartment. She answers the door. Raj: I'm so mad at you! Penny: Okay, wait... Raj: How dare you ambush my girlfriend at the gym! Penny: We didn't mean for it to be an ambush. Just, it's kind of impossible not to sneak up on deaf people. And hey, since when are you so chatty? Raj: I'm hammered. Penny: Raj, come here. This girl is trouble. I mean, what kind of relationship is it where you buy her gifts and she gives you s*x? Raj: The best one I ever had! Penny: Okay, come on. You know you can do better. Raj: Aha. I see what's going on here. You and I had our crazy night together, and now you can't stand to see me with another woman. Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Raj: It's okay. I can't get mad at your feelings. Penny: I don't have feelings. Raj: Yeah, that's good. Keep telling yourself that. (Storms out) Penny: He is cuter now that I know he's rich. Scene: Raj's apartment. Raj: I have a surprise for you. Cover your eyes. Open them. It's a real ruby. It was a little expensive, but no one can put a price on love. Although, the people at Cartier took a pretty good shot at it. (Skype tone from computer) Oh, Mummy, Daddy. What a nice surprise. Dr Koothrappali: No, it's not a nice surprise, it's a bad surprise. Mrs Koothrappali: Penny called us. Raj: Penny? Mrs Koothrappali: She told us you're spending all our money on your new girlfriend. Raj: I just got her a couple of things. She gives me things, too. Dr Koothrappali: Yeah, yeah, I'm a gynaecologist. I know exactly what she gives you. Mrs Koothrappali: You need to find a nice Indian girl from a good family. If you keep seeing this woman, you're cut off. Raj: What? You're going to make me choose between the woman I love and the money I have very strong feelings for? Dr Koothrappali: It's up to you. Raj: Well, I choose love. Dr Koothrappali: Hah. You're an idiot. Love doesn't last. Well, he's going to find out eventually. Think about it. Raj: My parents are making me choose between money and you. I choose you. (She signs) No, I think we'll have to return the car. (Again) And that necklace, yeah, that, too. But none of those things matter, because we have something better. We have love. Scene: Penny's apartment. Raj: Oh, Penny, I hurt so bad. Penny: I know, I know. Raj: Sometimes I put the TV on mute just to pretend she's still with me. But I can't watch the closed captioning without crying. Penny: Oh, I'm so sorry. I wish I could make you feel better. Raj: Seriously? I'm heartbroken and you're hitting on me? Penny: What? No! Raj: Look, Penny, you're great, but I had a long talk with my parents, and they said if I date an Indian girl, I get a Maserati. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Raj: Mmm. Oh, cheesecake, you're just as good as a woman, even though I can't have s*x with you. Howard: Try throwing it in the microwave for a few seconds. Sheldon: Should I use the rest room or wait until we get home? Come on, papa needs to void his bladder. Oh, that's not what you want to see after three buttermilks. Penny: Here you go, boys. I'll pick it up when you're ready. Howard: Thanks for dinner, buddy. Leonard: Yeah, real big of you. Sheldon: Hurry, hurry, hurry. Penny: Oh, and don't cheap out on the tip. We all know you're loaded now.

Plan: A: Penny; Q: Who sets up Raj on a date with Emily? A: his selective mutism; Q: What is no longer an issue for Emily? A: the Dungeons & Dragons dice; Q: What does Sheldon use to make trivial decisions? A: his mind; Q: What does Sheldon want to free up? Summary: Penny sets up Raj on a date with her deaf friend Emily, for whom his selective mutism is no longer an issue. Meanwhile, Sheldon decides to use the Dungeons & Dragons dice to help him make trivial decisions so that his mind is free for more important things. Although this allows him to get some important work done more efficiently, it also results in him eating things he would not normally eat, and making odd decisions.

Scott: Previously on Teen Wolf... Scott: It's a dead pool. A hit list of supernatural creatures. Deputy Parrish: What's the number? - Lydia: That's how much you're worth. Deputy Parrish: I'm worth five dollars? Stiles: Five million. Deputy Parrish: That's kind of terrifying. Sheriff: I don't think the Orphans were the only professional killers in Beacon Hills. Lydia: Father and daughter. Scott: We need to tell her the truth. She's going to see the rest of the dead pool eventually. Stiles: Malia. Scott: We might know a lot more about who The Benefactor is now. Who has the power to know when someone is dead, but doesn't need to see the body to know it happened? Kira: A Banshee. Mrs Martin: This was the last thing your grandmother wrote down before she died. Lydia: This isn't nonsense, Mom. It's code. (SPLASHING) (SPLASHING CONTINUES) (GROANS) Deputy Parrish: Hey! Hey, what are you doing? Listen... Listen to me! I'm a Deputy with the Beacon Hills Sheriff's Department... Haigh: Damn. I was hoping you'd be out longer. Deputy Parrish: Haigh? What the hell? What are you doing? HAIGH: You're a good guy, Parrish. But the list says you're worth five million dollars. Deputy Parrish: What? I don't know what you're talking about. Haigh, listen... I mean, I barely make $40,000 a year. Haigh: I only make 36. (YELLS) Deputy Parrish: Haigh, please! Just stop! You don't have to do this. Look, if you're having money problems... Haigh: You're worth five million dead, Parrish. Sounds like you got the problem. Deputy Parrish: Please... Please, don't do this. You're just gonna stand there? You're just gonna listen to a fellow Deputy burn to death? (PANTING) Deputy Parrish: Haigh, wait... No, wait! Wait! (SCREAMING) Stiles: It's not just that she could still be alive. Lydia: It's that she would've had to fake her death. Sheriff: Your grandmother, Lorraine Martin, faked her death? Stiles: Definitely. Lydia: Maybe. Stiles: More than likely, yes. Sheriff: Oh, I'm guessing you got a story to back this up? Lydia: She might be helping The Benefactor. Stiles: Or is The Benefactor. Sheriff: That sounds like a story worth hearing. (INAUDIBLE) Scott: Anybody seen Parrish? Sheriff: Haigh? Haigh: Haven't seen him. (DOOR CLOSES) (EXHALES) Haigh: Holy... (GRUNTING) Haigh: You're dead. Sheriff: Hey. Hey! (GUNSHOT) (GROANS) Haigh: But you're dead! (GRUNTING) (MUSIC PLAYING) Derek: He covered you in gasoline? Lydia: It's the hair and nails, isn't it? The parts of the body that are essentially dead. Derek: Well, they should be gone. Deputy Parrish: I was set on fire. All of me should be gone. Scott: Not if you're like us. Deputy Parrish: Like you? Derek: I don't think he's like us. Lydia: Then what is he? Derek: Sorry, but I have no idea. Scott: But you knew about Jackson and Kira. Derek: This is a little out of my experience. There might be something in the bestiary. Did you try Argent? Scott: I don't know where he is. Parrish: Okay, hold on. What's a bestiary? Actually, that's not even my first question. Just... Just tell me one thing. Are all of you like Lydia? Are you all psychic? Derek: Psychic? Scott: Yeah. Not exactly. Deputy Parrish: Okay. Then what are you? Dr Vandenberg: All right, Mr. Stilinski... - Sheriff. Stiles: Sheriff Stilinski. Dr Vandenberg: I've got you scheduled for surgery first thing in the morning. Unfortunately, it's going to take a little digging to get that slug out of your shoulder. Sheriff: Yeah, it's fine. One more. What's this part here? This line? Dr Vandenberg: Patient Responsibility. Parts of the procedure and hospital stay not covered by insurance. Sheriff: Are those big parts? Expensive parts? Doctor Vanderberg: That's between you and your insurance unfortunately. You should start feeling the morphine in a minute. Try to get some rest, Mr... Sheriff. Sheriff: Hey, stop that.I was just curious about the terminology.We're not in any kind of dire straits. Stiles: I know about the bills, Dad. I know about the collectors calling about Eichen House. I know about the advance from the department, about the credit cards. Sheriff: Stiles, are you going through my stuff? Stiles: Yeah, I go through all of your stuff. Especially when you keep things from me. Sheriff: I keep things from you because you don't need to know everything. Stiles: Yes, I do. I have to know everything. How the hell else am I supposed to take care of you? Sheriff: You're not supposed to take care of me! I'm the dad. You're the son. You get it? Dad. Son. I take care of you. Stiles: We're supposed to take care of each other. Sheriff: Hey, we're going to be all right. Stiles: How do you know, Dad? Sheriff: I don't. But the morphine's kicking in. I'm not all that worried about anything right now. (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS LOUDLY) Stiles: (SOFTLY) But I am. Deputy Parrish: What's a Kanima? Scott: We'll get back to that. Just know that everyone like us, everyone with some kind of supernatural ability is on the dead pool. Deputy Parrish: But I don't even know what I am. Derek: I'm pretty sure they don't care. Deputy Parrish: How many professional assassins are we talking about? Lydia: We're starting to lose count. Scott: But is it still just professionals? Deputy Parrish: I don't think Haigh's ever tried anything like this. I think he was taking a chance. Derek: That means anyone with the dead pool could take a chance. Deputy Parrish: But if Haigh had it, then who else does? How easy is it to get this thing now? (SIGHS) (PRINTER WHIRRING) Lydia: Meredith was only at my grandmother's lakehouse once. But I think once was enough. Derek: How did your grandmother know her? Lydia: She didn't. She found her. Because of another woman named Maddy. The woman she loved. (SIGHS) Lydia: I never met her, but I saw her name everywhere. She used to be part of a yacht racing team. There were plaques and trophies in the lake house from all the regattas she'd won. Deputy Parrish: How did she die? Lydia: How's not the story. It's what happened right before. My grandmother, Lorraine, used to work in San Francisco for IBM. She was there on a weekend, catching up on work. She started hearing this sound... Like rain. (RAIN DROPS PATTERING) Lydia: But when she looked out the windows... (BIRDS CHIRPING) Lydia: All she saw was blue sky. Scott: But she kept hearing the rain? Lydia: And it just kept getting louder. Rain and thunder cracking like gunshots in her head. So loud. She finally just screamed. Derek: Like a Banshee. Lydia: She called Maddy who was planning on taking one of the boats out on the lake. But Maddy said that the sun was shining there too. So Lorraine didn't say anything. Deputy Parrish: There was an accident? (THUNDER RUMBLING) Lydia: It took them four days to find Maddy's body. And then it took decades to figure out how Lorraine knew. She started with parapsychologists, like the PhD in their name made it more scientific. They built the study in the lake house according to every pseudoscientific theory they could find. None of it worked. So then she started going to more extreme occult. Things like mediums and psychics All of them were failures. Until she found Meredith. They found her in Eichen House. This fragile girl who didn't understand the things she heard. They brought her to the study. And they almost killed her. She was hospitalized for over a year. She... never really recovered. My grandmother drove her insane I drove her to suicide. And all she ever wanted to do was help. My grandmother created the code for the dead pool. They think she's the Banshee who put the names out in the first place. She left me this message in the same code. Scott: But she didn't leave a cipher key, did she? Derek: Careful with that. Scott: I thought you didn't like guns. Does this have something to do with your eyes? Derek: My eyes, my strength, the healing... All of it. Scott: Gone? Derek: Whatever Kate did to me, it's still happening. Scott: If the dead pool really was made by a Banshee then there's something else that you should know about. Your name broke the third list. It was a cipher key. Derek: And the two other keys were Allison and Aiden. Scott: And I... I don't want to make you nervous, but it kind of feels like there might be a pattern there, doesn't it? Allison, Aiden... You. Derek: Names picked by a Banshee. Scott: It... It could mean that you're in danger. Derek: Scott, Banshees don't predict danger. They predict death. Scott: (WHISPERING) Three, four, five, six... (GIRLS LAUGHING) Mason: Liam! Hey. Am I gonna see you at the bonfire tonight? Uh... Liam: I'm thinking about skipping it. Mason: You're not skipping. Liam: Why not? Mason: Because you're on the lacrosse team. Don't you have to go? Liam: I don't, uh... I... I don't think I can make it. Mason: You're coming. And we're gonna find you a nice girl that you can embarrass yourself in front of and find me a lacrosse player. Because statistically speaking, someone on your team has gotta be on my team. All right? Mason: Liam? Liam: Okay. I'll be there. (BEEPING) Stiles: Try Maddy. It's got to be Maddy. Lydia: Doesn't Maddy feel a little obvious as a cipher key? Stiles: I guarantee it's Maddy. (TYPING) (BEEPS) Stiles: Okay, your name. She left the code for you, right? So it's got to be your name. (TYPING) (BEEPS) Stiles: Your mom's name? (TYPING) (BEEPS) Stiles: Do you have any beloved family pets? Mmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Coach: All right... Now I know the start of season bonfire, it's a big deal for you guys. I also know it gets out-of-hand sometimes. The alumni show up, there's other teams, and alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. (ALL CHEERING) Coach: All right. (CHEERING CONTINUES) Coach: Shut up! Now, what I don't understand is why anybody would ever want to get stumbling down drunk in front of a massive open fire, I'm also resigned to not being able to stop you guys. (ALL CHEERING) Coach: I also remind you, your team captain, McCall, will be there. And I can count on him to narc on any and every one of these little bastards. Get back to class. (SIGHING) Stiles: The ashes were left for you. The code was left for you. You're supposed to be able to figure this out. Lydia: But no one else is. Which is why she made it hard. (BEEPS) Stiles: Whoa! Okay? (PRINTER WHIRRING) (SIGHS) Stiles: You... "No one else." No one else but you. Lydia: What? Stiles: Our guesses. They're all about Lorraine. Right? We keep trying to guess a word that has something to do with her. So, maybe we should be trying to guess one that's about you. Lydia: Me? What about me? Stiles: What do you remember doing with your grandmother? You know, what was you guys', like, special thing? Did you guys go to the beach? You know, did you like ice cream or... Lydia: We read. Stiles: Okay. What did you read? Lydia: The Little Mermaid. Stiles: You read that movie? Lydia: It was a book first. Hans Christian Andersen. Stiles: Type it in. "Little Mermaid." (SIGHS) (BEEPS) Lydia: We read it every night. I got so obsessed with it, for three months I wouldn't respond to anything but Ariel. It drove my parents crazy, but... Grandma thought it was adorable. (TYPING) (BEEPING) (SIGHS) Scott: (SOFTLY) Hey. You okay? Hey. Liam: Last night my printer went off by itself. I couldn't turn it off. I hit the cancel button. But it just kept printing. Scott: Printing what? Coach: (SHOUTING) What the hell's this? (PRINTER WHIRRING) Stiles: You recognize any of these? Lydia: Just my grandmother. Stiles: Lydia... We need to call Scott. Liam: You see the difference? Scott: Derek's not on the list anymore. Liam: And I'm not worth three million. It's 18 now. $18 million. (TYPING) Deputy Parrish: Well, it's not another dead pool. More like an already dead pool. Lydia: All of them? All dead? Parrish: Within the last 10 years. All suicides. And all at the same place. Stiles: Eichen House. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (ALL CHEERING) (MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) Scott: Hey. What are you doing here? Malia: Getting drunk. What are you doing? Scott: Trying to make sure no one gets hurt. Malia: That sounds fun too. Scott: I don't want to ruin your night or anything, but we kind of can't get drunk. Malia: What? Scott: I think it has something to do with our healing. But, trust me, I've tried. You're not gonna feel anything. Malia: Maybe you should tell him that. Stiles: Lydia, Eichen House isn't a library. You need a warrant to get files from there. Lydia: My grandmother left me a list of 10 suicides, including her own. There's got to be a reason why. Is there anyone there who's willing to help us? Stiles: No. But there might be someone willing to take a bribe. (MUSIC PLAYING) Liam: Not gonna tell me to slow down? Mason: Actually, I was gonna say, "Keep drinking". I think you should get drunk. And I mean stumbling down, fall on your ass, passed out with your face in a toilet drunk. Liam: Why? Mason: Maybe then when I ask you what's going on, you'll be too drunk to lie. I'm not asking this because I want to know. I'm asking because I want to help. Liam: I'm gonna get another drink. Yeah... I'm getting drunk. (MUSIC PLAYING) Brunski: A thousand. Stiles: A thousand dollars? To use one little key to open up one little file room? Are you out of your mind? Brunski: When you get the keys, you make the price. Stiles: Right. You actually think we have that kind of money? Brunski: I know you don't. If you did, Daddy Sheriff would've paid the bill by now. That's why I'm talking to her. Lydia: I have $500. (MUSIC STOPS) (MUSIC STARTS) (SNIFFLING) (SIGHS) (KEYS JANGLING) Brunski/b]: Follow me. (MUSIC PLAYING) [b]Scott: I just want to talk. Malia: Well, I just want to dance. Scott: We had our reasons. We didn't tell you about Peter... Malia: To protect me. That's what Peter said you would say. And guess what he said next? That you were right. Does that surprise you? Scott: No. It makes me wonder what he wants. Malia, we need to stay together. You, me, Stiles... Malia: I don't want to talk about Stiles. I just want to dance. And get drunk. Scott: Malia... Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (LAUGHING) Scott: You are drunk. Malia: Yep. Scott: But you can't be. Malia: Is this what drunk feels like? It doesn't feel as good as I hoped. Scott: I don't think it's supposed to. (CLEARS THROAT) Brunski: Good? Stiles: Yeah. We can help ourselves. Uh, Lydia, you got the list? (SIGHS) Stiles: Lydia, why did you write another name on here? Lydia: I didn't write anything. Stiles: This is your handwriting. Lydia: Why would I write another name? Stiles: Why would you write mine? Brunski: It was the tapes, wasn't it? (LYDIA SCREAMING) (STILES GROANING) (LAUGHING) (BONES CRACKING) Brunski: Your turn, sweetheart. Haigh: And who the hell are you? Braeden: Hello, Deputy. I'm a U.S. Marshal working in conjunction with this office, and I'd like to ask you a few questions. Haigh: Yeah, well, I got a question. How'd you get those scars? Braeden: A werewolf. How'd you break your nose? Haigh: What's that supposed to... (MUSIC PLAYING) Scott: Malia... What's in this? What did you have to drink? Malia: Just vodka. Scott: Stay on your feet and keep moving. Lydia: Help us! Help us! (GRUNTING) Lydia: Someone, help! Stiles: Lydia, there's a lot of people screaming for help in a place like this. I don't think anyone's listening. Lydia: Well, I'm open to better ideas. Because if you didn't notice, all of those suicides were murders. Stiles: That's why she left you the message. Lydia: She predicted her own death. She knew I'd figure it out. Brunski: Once you were able to predict your own. (DOOR SLAMMING) (WHIMPERING) Brunski: But they weren't murders. I'm not some serial killer like Ted Bundy going around cutting up college girls. Stiles: No, you're just an Angel of Death. Brunski: I don't think you understand my level of commitment to my work here, Stiles. There are people here who don't simply need treatment. They need release. I helped them. I helped Lorraine. Lydia: (WHISPERS) You killed her. Brunski: I helped her. And now you can help me. Because there is something about it that's always bothered me. (MUSIC PLAYING) Scott: Malia? How much has he have to drink? Mason: Not enough to get him like this. Scott: Something's happening. We need to get them out of here. I think we're gonna have to, um... Mason: How much did you drink? Nothing. Not even a sip. It's not the drinks. It's the music. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Lorraine: (ON TAPE) What are you... Brunski, what are you doing? Brunski: Don't worry, Lorraine. It's going to be all right. You're just going to have a little trouble breathing. Stiles: Lydia, look at me. Don't listen. (WHISPERING) Okay, don't listen to it. (LORRAINE BREATHING HEAVILY) Stiles: Just focus on my voice, Lydia. Don't listen to it, block it out. Okay? (GRUNTING) Stiles: Lydia? Hey, turn it off! Lydia: Stop! Brunski: Then listen... Just listen. I need your help with this, Lydia. Lorraine: (ON TAPE) Please don't... Brunski: Here it is. This is the part I never understood. (WHISPERS) Listen. (LORRAINE BREATHING HEAVILY) Lorraine: Please don't hurt her. Brunski: Don't hurt who? Lorraine: Ariel. (LORRAINE GASPING) (BREATHING STOPS) (MUSIC PLAYING) Scott: I have to... I have to turn off the music. Don't let them out of your sight. (GROANING) Mason: Wait... Stop. Hey, what are you doing? These are my friends. Assassin: Your friends are overly intoxicated. They need to be escorted out. Mason: Okay, I'll go with them. Assassin: That won't be necessary. Mason: I said they're my friends... Boy: You okay, man? Scott: What is that? What are you doing? Assassin: It's gasoline. Haigh says we gotta burn you. (BOTTLE TOP CLATTERS) (TAPE CLICKS) Brunski: We get a lot of teenagers trying to break into our drug cabinets. Most of the time they don't succeed. But you two look pretty clever to me. (GRUNTING) (MUSIC PLAYING) (SPUTTERING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) (MUSIC STOPS) (ALL CLAMORING) (GROANING) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) Scott: What happened to the gun? Derek: You're covered in gasoline. Scott: Oh, yeah. Brunski: I'll admit, Stiles, I don't have any unusual talents like Lydia, but, somehow, I just knew we were gonna get a chance to do this again. (INHALING DEEPLY) No. No. No. No! Deputy Parrish: Drop it. Take your thumb off that needle and slowly withdraw it from her neck. Brunski: Young Deputy. You're just a kid. I bet you've never even fired a... (GROANS) (GASPS) (PANTING) Lydia: He... He killed my grandmother. He was controlling Meredith. Stiles: He used her to create the dead pool. Lydia: And killed her when she tried to help us. (LAUGHING) Brunski: (WEAKLY) You... You think it was me? (PANTING) Brunski: (WHISPERING) That I was controlling her? (LAUGHING) Brunski: Idiots... She was controlling me. Lydia: Oh, God. It's not him. He's not The Benefactor. Meredith: No. And... He wasn't on my list. But he was a bad person.

Plan: A: Parrish; Q: Who is attacked and burned alive by his partner? A: the supernatural world; Q: What world does Parrish enter after being burned alive? A: Lydia; Q: Who explains her grandmother's history? A: Meredith; Q: Who is the Benefactor? A: the tests; Q: What seriously injured Meredith? A: hospital; Q: Where did Meredith spend a year after being injured? A: Lydia's grandmother; Q: Who spent many years researching numerous different subjects in an attempt to learn about her powers? A: deceased patients; Q: What type of patients were the names on the coded list? A: the files; Q: What do Stiles and Lydia go to Eichen House for? A: the annual lacrosse bonfire; Q: What event do Scott, Liam, and Malia attend? A: their senses; Q: The music at the bonfire distorts what? A: Parrish's partner; Q: Who was working with the guards? Summary: Parrish is attacked and burned alive by his partner, only to survive, which brings him into the supernatural world. Scott, Derek, Lydia and Parrish realize that the deadpool is available to anyone. Lydia explains her grandmother's history; she spent many years researching numerous different subjects in an attempt to learn about her powers. One of her subjects was Meredith, but the tests seriously injured Meredith, forcing her to spend a year in hospital. Stiles and Lydia figure out that the coded message written by Lydia's grandmother was another list of names; they realize that all of the names belonged to deceased patients at Eichen House. Stiles and Lydia go to Eichen House for the files, but are attacked by the head orderly. Scott, Liam and Malia attend the annual lacrosse bonfire, but it turns out to be a trap; the music distorts their senses and makes them sick, allowing the guards, who were working with Parrish's partner, to ambush them. Derek and Braeden rescue them, and Parrish saves Stiles and Lydia from Brunski, and shoots him. Meredith enters the room, still alive, and reveals that she is the Benefactor.

Michael: Let's think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then... Dwight: They are either going to say yes... or no. Michael: Could go either way. We don't know what they are going to say. Dwight: Think it through. Michael: Have to think it through. Because if they say no... Jim: Can we not? Michael: No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don't like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. [Michael starts playing with a football in the office] Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! [laughs] Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted. Jim: Still want that. Michael: Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys... Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me. Creed: Ryan! Dwight: Fumble! Yaaah! Michael: Hey, Dwight. Dwight: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike! Michael: You all right Ryan? Dwight: Ryan. Ryan: Yeah. Michael: Pam! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ooh. They're having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don't have this problem. What was the 9th place prize again? A loaf of bread? Jim: Cugino's pizza. Dwight: Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-Based Mid-size Paper Company Regional Salesman can attain, so... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: What did I do to deserve this? Pam: Are you sad that Dwight beat you? Jim: No. Pam: Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue? Phyllis: Hey, I heard you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures? Pam: Oh! I... uh... yeah. Um... I'll uh show them to you later. Phyllis: Oh. Jim: Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later. Pam: Ok, cool. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um... just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then... I just... I don't want to offend... Angela... or someone. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: That's what she said! Dwight: Ha! I don't get it. Michael: Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon? Dwight: Well, it's not really a big speech. You still coming right? Michael: Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just... I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you're awesome! Here's a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here's a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What if I give a really long, extended Thank You. For instance, "Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very..." Michael: That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school Spelling Bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I can't do this. Michael: That's because you're incapable of doing it because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time. Dwight: Oh, okay. Michael: But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company. Dwight: Okay, deal! I'll do whatever you say. No questions asked. Michael: Well, if you have a question, you should ask me. Dwight: I'll try and think of one. When... Michael: Don't. Don't try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot. Dwight: Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice? Michael: Insult. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Mom, I'm sorry. I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding but I do not want orange invitations. Yes! Well, if you really want my... Jim: Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I'm going to take a trip. I'm going to get out of town for a while... and go someplace... not here. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Where do I want to go? Um... that is an excellent question. And one I should have probably thought about before I called you. Um... [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do, but I don't care. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [stand up comic voice] But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? Dwight: Saleswoman has a v*g1n*. Michael: It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a s*x Ed class. Dwight: But I'm right? Michael: Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? [stand up comic voice] The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman... is boobs! Dwight: Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave? Michael: I do. Both of them. Dwight: Could I have a copy of one of them? Michael: No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars! Dwight: Yeah! Michael: [generalized clapping and cheering] Congratulations. Phyllis: Unbelievable. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them. Dwight: That is so great about the bonus! Michael: No, no! It's not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up. They're a great audience. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she... Phyllis: It's unbelievable! Dwight: Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured. Pam: Do we know anyone who was in the accident? Dwight: Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses. Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses? Dwight: They are unrelated. Kelly: Is Brad okay? Dwight: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing. Oscar: What the hell is going on here? Angela: Are we out of jobs? Dwight: Yes. Kelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston. Michael: He's kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny... and it was just horrible. Stanley: Michael? Michael: Yeah. Stanley: You said we were getting bonuses. Michael: All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it. Stanley: Cancel wallpaper. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can... and did... twice. [speaking to camera] You saw the plaque, right? [to office] All right. We're all going to go around the room and we're going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking. Pam: You mean Toastmasters? Michael: Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast. Pam: Yeah, the bride doesn't really do... Have you ever been to a wedding? Jim: Can I go? Michael: Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative. Jim: So. Uh... I am going on a trip. But not really sure where I'm going yet. It's kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions? Kevin: You should go to Hedonism. Jim: What is that? Kevin: It's like Club Med, but everything is naked. Jim: I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But, good second choice. Toby: Been to Amsterdam. Michael: Oh ho hokay. You know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up. Toby: [mimes lifting a glass] To Amsterdam. Jim: When did you go there? Toby: Umm... After my divorce. Yeah. Jim: Really for like how long? Toby: Uh, about a week. Er... .um... .maybe a month. I uh can't... Creed: Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam. Trust me. Jim: Where do I want to go? Creed: I'd send you to Hong Kong. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: Like to say 'Hi' to my friends in China. [speaks in Chinese] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay, Dwight. Show us what you have learned today. Dwight: Good morning, Vietnam! [general groaning] Okay. You know what? This isn't working. Because um I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates. Jim: No. We're not. Dwight: Uh, yes you are. I'm Assistant Regional Manager. Jim: Which means absolutely nothing. Dwight: Michael, can you explain? Michael: Well, it's mostly made up. So... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Dwight is not going to do a job. It's sad. And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Confidence, Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go? Dwight: I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the 'Lord of the Rings' trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So... no... just leave me alone. Jim: Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip. Dwight: Oh please! You're not taking any trip. Jim: You know I majored in Public Speaking in College. Dwight: You did? Jim: Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that you've got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority. Dwight: Yes. I am. Jim: The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did. Dwight: Which is? Jim: You've got to wave your arms and you've got to pound your fists. Many times. It's supposed to emphasize your point. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Ok, I didn't actually major in Public Speaking. But, I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one [holds up paper]. Originally given by Benito Mussolini. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Ok, look. I know you are giving this speech on your own but I wrote up a few talking points for you to take a look at. I hope you don't mind. Dwight: I'll glance at it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It's time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here. Angela: The very best of luck to you, Dwight. Dwight: Thank you, Angela. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Why'd you pick the V.A. for the reception? Pam: Roy has a connection. It's nicer than you think. Ryan: You're inviting Jim? Pam: Of course. He's one of my closest friends. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It's a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We're down here. Right. [SCENE_BREAK] Overhead: [song] You all ready for this? [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [coughs] [sniffles] I am just feeling under the weather. And... I think that I will go home and rest. Kevin: I've never, ever seen you take a sick day. Angela: Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us. [SCENE_BREAK] Speaker: Next, I'd like to introduce the Dunder Mifflin Salesman of the Year, Dwight Schrute! Crowd: [polite clapping] Michael: Dwight, they called your name. Speaker: Dwight, how we doing? Dwight: No, I can't... I ca... Michael: All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I'm going to cover for you. [shouts] All right! Crowd: [claps] Michael: Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I always set it at 69. [snickers] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Maybe we'll use a DJ. That's the one thing Roy's in charge of for this wedding but all he's managed to do is set a date. Kelly: But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I've always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married? Ryan: Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married. Kelly: Oh. Pam: Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just... Ryan: I know what I said. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'm very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. ...And now the black guy from the 'Police Academy' movies. A robot. [makes robot sounds] Michael Winslow, anyone? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Car starting. [makes car sounds] All right, Dwight Schrute everyone. Crowd: [clapping] Michael: Good luck. That is a tough crowd. Dwight: [bangs fists] Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. [waves arm] how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime's struggle [waves arms]. A never-ending fight. I say to you [hits podium] and you'll understand that it is a privilege to fight! Crowd: [clapping] Dwight: WE ARE WARRIORS! Crowd: [clapping and cheering] Dwight: Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! Crowd: [clapping and cheering] Dwight: [laughs maniacally] Yeah. Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I've got a time share in Key West that might be available. Jim: Maybe. Thanks. Ryan: You really think you're going to go? Jim: Yeah. I'm definitely going. Ryan: Nice. Send me a postcard. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I don't know. If I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. [bangs fists] Crowd: [claps] Dwight: Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty - to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is... Crowd: [shouts] Together that we prevail! [cheering and clapping] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Australia? I have always wanted to go there? Jim: I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But, other than that... um, yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable. Pam: That's awesome. Where are you staying? Jim: I don't know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but... Pam: When are you leaving? Jim: I'm... leaving on June 8th. Pam: Oh. Jim: Yeah. And I'm really sorry about that, I just... Pam: Oh yeah. That's too bad. Jim: Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out? Pam: It's ok. I got it. Jim: Alright. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ok, thanks. [to Michael] There you are. What happened? Michael: I got thirsty. How'd it go? Dwight: It was amazing. I wish you would have been there. Michael: You would not believe what happened here. Dwight: What? Something happened? Michael: Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35. Dwight: Weird. Michael: Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like 'I don't have my ID, please give me one.' And he was like 'I can't do that. I can't serve you.' Dwight: Con artist. Michael: She might have been. So she says 'Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I'll show you my ID.' She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?

Plan: A: Dwight; Q: Who is named Dunder Mifflin's top salesman? A: a salesman's convention; Q: What kind of convention does Dwight speak at? A: Jim; Q: Who helps Dwight with his speech? A: controversial figures; Q: What kind of figures does Jim give Dwight lines from? A: Adolf Hitler; Q: Who is the controversial figure that Jim quotes? A: Benito Mussolini; Q: Who is the other controversial figure that Jim gives Dwight lines from? A: a failed attempt; Q: What did Michael's attempt to entertain the crowd turn out to be? A: the stand; Q: Where does Dwight go to deliver his speech? A: a rousing speech; Q: What kind of speech does Dwight give? Summary: Dwight is named Dunder Mifflin's top salesman, and is given the honor of speaking at a salesman's convention. He becomes nervous, and Jim "helps" by giving Dwight lines from speeches by controversial figures like Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini . At the convention, Dwight becomes nervous, but after a failed attempt by Michael to entertain the crowd, Dwight goes to the stand and delivers a rousing speech.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] She wants it to be just the three of us. Her perfect family. Gerda: Anna and Elsa must know the truth! We might not make it home, but this could. I figured out your plan. You want to cleave yourself from the dagger. My mirror is complete. I can finally cast a spell over all of Storybrooke. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Shattered Sight is spread on Storybrooke. Mr Gold meets the Snow Queen into the woods.) Mr Gold: Well done, dearie. It appears you've won. The Snow Queen: That's big of you. A welcome change. You're usually so confrontational. Mr Gold: I prefer reasonable. I'd like to make a deal. The Snow Queen: You have nothing that I want. Mr Gold: Well, perhaps I do. This spell of yours, when it hits... In a few hours from now? The Snow Queen: Sundown. Mr Gold: Sundown. Yeah. It'll bring out the darkness in everyone in this town. The Snow Queen: It'll do more than that. They will tear themselves apart until everyone is dead. Mr Gold: Not everyone. You'll have what you want... You alone with your "sisters" Elsa and Emma doing who knows what, and I'll be here, too, spending every waking moment of my immortal life trying to rip your heart out. The Snow Queen: It seems you do have something to offer. What do you want? Mr Gold: To leave. The Snow Queen: Didn't we already make this deal? Mr Gold: Yes, but I have an eye for a loophole, and I think I've spotted yours. My wife and grandson will be destroyed by this spell, so I want you to allow them to leave with me. You spare the two of them, I spare you misery. Do we have a deal? The Snow Queen: Enjoy your trip. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the clock tower.) Elsa: Belle was right. My aunt it actually doing this. Mary Margaret: The spell of shattered sight. David: We open the mines and the vault. We take shelter there. Regina: This is magic. It doesn't care about ceilings. It's started. Hook: How long? Regina: By sundown. By sundown, everyone in this town will start... Tearing each other apart. Emma: Okay. The answer is simple. Let's not be in town. [SCENE_BREAK] (Near the ice wall.) Regina: Hardly an elegant solution. Emma: Nothing wrong with brute force if it works. Leroy: If we can get over, we can build a frame, take people over one at a time. Mary Margaret: David, be careful. (David tries to climb on the ice wall but it defends itself.) Emma: You okay? Mary Margaret: David? Regina: Looks like that wall doesn't care much for your brute force. (Elsa finds her sister's necklace.) Emma: Elsa? No, stop. Hey. No! That thing could go off again! Come on. Elsa: It's Anna's necklace. I thought it was gone. It's like a miracle. Emma: Glad you found it, but sentimentality's not worth risking your life over. Elsa: It's a sign, Emma... A sign we're gonna win. Regina: Is everyone into this hope thing now? Emma: If we're gonna win, we need to stop wasting time. Mom, dad, Leroy, go tell everyone what's going on. When this goes down, everyone needs to be separated from their loved ones if they don't want to hurt each other. Killian go to waterfront to see if we can use boats to get some people out. Regina: I have to warn Robin Hood. His camp's not far from here. Emma: Okay, go. Elsa and I are gonna talk to Gold, see if he has any ideas. Henry, you come with us. Regina: No. He's with me. I'm his best chance. Elsa: That might not be true. Emma and I? I think we're immune. Regina: What? Elsa: These ribbons. If the Snow Queen wants us to be her sisters, then the curse won't affect us. Emma: So I should definitely watch Henry. Regina: No. You're part of this nut job's plan. I want Henry near me as long as it's safe for him. Henry: It's okay, mom. I'll be fine with her. Emma: Be careful, kid. Regina: We gotta go. This is happening now. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mr Gold's shop.) Elsa: Any luck? Belle: No. It appears to be pretty much unstoppable. The one thing I did find is there may be a way to undo the effects from anyone it touches. Elsa: That's wonderful. Belle: It seems that when somebody's been touched by the spell, that you can use them to undo it. With a strand of their hair, you can make some kind of counter spell, like a vaccine. Elsa: My sister. Emma: What? Elsa: My aunt said she put me in that urn. I didn't believe her because Anna would never do that, unless she was under that spell. We have to get to her. Belle: But you... You still don't know where she is. Elsa: No, but now you can help me find her. You said if I had something of hers, you could use this locator spell. Well, now I have something of hers. Sometimes sentimentality pays off. Emma: Point Elsa. Belle: There's... Mirror dust in this. Actually embedded in the metal. Elsa: So I was right. She was under that spell. So if we find Anna, she can save everyone. Belle: I'll round up the fairies. They can set up shop somewhere close and figure out how to make the counter spell. Elsa: Thank you. Let's go. Emma: Elsa, you realize this is a long shot. I was time travelling when I brought you here, and when Anna disappeared, it was... Elsa: 30 years ago. I know. But she's okay. She has to be. And I don't care how old she is. She can save us. Emma: Okay, then. We're relying on mirror dust and fairies, but now we have a plan, which is progress. Let's go find your sister,. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The ice on the castle is melting.) Anna: Holy cats! That is cold. Kristoff: Ice is like that, I've noticed. Anna: The urn. It was here. It's gone, and so is Elsa and my aunt! Kristoff: But I saw you with it. Anna: Well, now it's missing, and Elsa is in it. I just have to get her out, let her know I didn't mean it. Kristoff: What's that? Anna: It's straw. Gold straw. Rumplestiltskin. Kristoff... My aunt doesn't have the urn. He does. Kristoff: You are literally hanging a big assumption on a really thin straw. Anna: But it makes sense. He would never let someone walk off with something he valued. I should've known he'd follow me. Kristoff: And this is... Good news? Anna: Don't worry. We can get to him. We can handle him. And even if we can't, we can figure out a way how to. Elsa is the only one who can rule Arendelle. (Hans and his brothers enter.) Hans: Um, I beg to differ. Anna: What are you doing here? Hans: Hearing you confess you attacked the reigning Queen, and then lost her to another land... That sounds like treason to me. Doesn't it, guys? Anna: And I sang with you. Hans: You're both under arrest, under my order as the new king of Arendelle. Anna: What? Hans: We were all frozen, but now that your sister's spell has worn off, no will argue with a new benevolent leader such as myself. Anna: It wasn't her. Hans: As if anyone will believe that. Kristoff: Okay, you know what? You got us. (Kristoff attacks a brother of Hans with a pickaxe. Anna takes a sword and threats another brother. Hans doesn't reply. Kristoff and Anna run away.) Bother of Hans: Stop them! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook is on the waterfront. He sees the ice wall growing up on the sea.) Hook: No fleeing by boat then. Mr Gold: This Snow Queen is good, isn't she? Sit, lad. Don't forget where your heart lies. Now I have a job for you. You remember how this works. Hook: The hat? Not Emma. Mr Gold: No, no. Not this time. I have a better plan. Granny's Diner is being onverted into a temporary hive for the vilest of creatures the pious little fleas. Hook: Pious? The fairies? Mr Gold: Just like any flying pests, if you wanna eliminate the infestation, it's important to get them all. Doing so will infuse this hat with enough power to allow me to cleave myself from the dagger and then leave this town with my powers intact, a suddenly urgent undertaking. Now will you assist me? Hook: You have my heart. You know I can't refuse. Mr Gold: Indeed. But here's the rub, dearie. My wife has just called to inform me that she intends to spend the day sequestered amongst said fleas. So I need you to stand by while I get her out of the way. Hook: The fairies are working to stop the spell. You're killing the cure? You do this, you condemn the entire town, and even your own grandson, to whatever happens. Mr Gold: No, I'm not leaving Henry. I will take him and I will take Belle and I will leave this town to its fate. Hook: But Emma and everyone else... Mr Gold: I don't have time for everyone else. And if I have to choose between everyone else and me... "Me" wins every time. You can clench your jaw... And flash your eyes all you wish, because it doesn't change the fact... That we're in this together. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Robin's camp.) Robin: Are you all right? All right, sit down. Tell me... What's this? What is this called? Roland: An arrow. Robin: Yes. And where does this go? Roland: Flight. Robin: Flight, yeah. Stay right there. Regina. Regina: It's happening. You and your men need to scatter. All together like this with all these weapons? You'll kill each other once the spell hits. Robin: Will! Will Scarlet! Will: There's no need to yell. I'm just here, Robin. Robin: Emergency. Break camp. Will: Right then. Come on, little man. Regina: Why don't you help? Robin: What? Is there something else? Regina: No. I'm just trying to memorize you like this. Robin: Like what? Nervous and alarmed? Regina: No, with love in your eyes. I told you what this spell is going to do. Robin: Maybe it won't. Regina: It will. The only people who believe in me in this town are Henry and you. The thought of you looking at me the way everyone else does, with... With hatred... That just might kill me. Robin: Stop thinking. We're here now, and this is true. (They kiss.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside Mr Gold's shop.) Emma: Okay. Here you go. Ha! Elsa: Is it supposed to do that? Emma: Yeah. I know this spell. It gets brighter as you get closer to your goal. It's how my parents found each other. Elsa: Did you see that? That means it found her, right? She's out there? Emma: How about... Yeah. Come on. Don't stand here. Let's keep going. Elsa: The library? But I've been inside before, and Anna wasn't there. Emma: The library's... Well, a funny place. There are all these tunnels underneath. Elsa: You think she could be down there? Emma: Regina kept a whole dragon under there for 28 years. I'm sure you can fit a small princess, too. (Yes. Frozen by the Snow Queen. That's why we never found Anna.) Emma: But now we will. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the woods.) Anna: Wait! Stop! Too much running! Kristoff: Okay. I don't hear eight enormous feet, so I think we lost them. Anna: Great. So now we just need to get that urn back. Kristoff: Call me crazy, but I really don't want to face an evil wizard. Anna: I never said "evil." I mean, he is, but... Oh! I have a plan. Right before I left, I read mother's diary. The one Elsa found, looking for clues. There was something they were looking for called a wishing star. Kristoff: What's that? Anna: I have no idea. But the important thing is, you can wish on it. I'm sure they were gonna use it to take Elsa's power. But maybe we can use it to wish Elsa back to us. Kristoff: Well, obviously they never got it because... Elsa... Powers... Anna: Right. They tracked it to a pirate named Blackbeard. But there's no record they ever met with him, but we can. Kristoff: Ohh. So my choices are evil wizard or pirate? Anna: Pirates are better than wizards. Kristoff: Says who? Anna: You can pay off pirates. You and I are rich in many ways, but the thing we're richest in is riches. So let's take the power of the royal treasury and go buy ourselves a wishing thing. We can use it to rescue Elsa, and she can save Arendelle. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Elsa are walking in the tunnels.) Elsa: It's brighter. There. There! What? No. How can there be a barrier? Look how bright the glow is. She must be practically right on the other side. Anna, are you there? Emma: Look at this dust. It just recently fell. All the new ice spiking and earth shaking that the Snow Queen's been doing must've caused it. Elsa: I can move this. Emma: No, Elsa, stop. As much as I enjoyed our last cave-in, I don't wanna do it again. Elsa: But she's right there! Emma: Then we'll find another way. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (On the docks.) Anna: That was the slowest boat ride ever. Kristoff: Oh. Anna: That must be Blackbeard's ship. Okay, now we need to find a crewman and tell him we wanna meet with Blackbeard because he has something we're willing to pay anything for. Blackbeard: Right. Ah, someone is playing my song. I'm Captain Blackbeard. Come on board. [SCENE_BREAK] (On the Jolly Roger.) Anna: I'm trying to find my sister, and you have a certain sculpture that can help me do that. Kristoff: And... And we wanna buy it. Blackbeard: Sculptur... Anna: The Wishing Star? Blackbeard: Ah, yes. The Wishing Star. For the right price, it's yours. Kristoff: And... And what is the right price? Blackbeard: My weight in gold. Anna: So... If it's not delicate, how much... Tonnage? What would you say you weigh, Sir? Oh, never mind. It's fine. Sold! I mean, bought. See? Look, things are going so nicely. I told you if we just keep the faith, everything's gonna work out. Kristoff: And I told you that pirates were easier to deal with than wizards. Anna: Hey, I told you that. Hans: And no one asked me at all. Anna: He did it again. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At the library.) Leroy: Sure, me and the guys can clear the tunnel. We'll have to work careful, but we can do it. (David's phone rings.) Emma: Let's go now. David: Excuse me. Regina: Look at this mess. A good mayor checks that these things are kept up to code. Mary Margaret: Yeah, well, if the mayor only has to worry about one villain, and it's herself, that frees up a lot of time for infrastructure. I've had other issues. Emma: Leroy, how long to clear the passage? Leroy: Couple of hours, maybe. We can get right on it. Elsa: That's wonderful. Regina: We don't have a couple hours. Have you guys not been watching the clock? It'll be sundown before you munchkins finish. Leroy: Dwarfs, sister. Regina: Like I care. Let's just blast through and take the risk. David: That was Belle over at the diner. It turns out they can possibly make the counter spell even if we don't find Anna. They can pull the mirror dust out of the necklace and try to use that. Mary Margaret: It's exactly the same? David: Almost. It'll take a little longer. The process is difficult and... It will destroy the necklace. Emma: So the necklace can either save all of us or Anna. Elsa: No. It can do both. We have time. Regina: We don't. Exploring these tunnels could take days. Leroy: So what'll it be, folks? Save the town or find the sister? [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold and Hook arrive to Granny's Diner. Mr Gold gives his orders.) Mr Gold: Go around the back and wait. You'll know when you're needed. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold enters at Granny's diner.) Mother Superior: What do you want? Mr Gold: Excuse me, but I'd like to borrow my wife. I need her at the shop for a short while. Mother Superior: She's working. We need her. (Hook enters by the back door.) Belle: Mother Superior's right. This is too important. Mr Gold: Of course. Well, until you can go, I'll just, uh... I'll just keep you company. Perhaps I'll be helpful. Mother Superior: This is light magic, Dark One. Mr Gold: Well, then maybe I'll learn something. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the library.) Regina: This shouldn't even be a conversation. If we don't get the necklace to the fairies right now, we and all our loved ones will be hit by this vicious spell. It's one woman's life versus a whole town. Emma: Maybe we just haven't found an option where we don't have to lose anyone. Mary Margaret: Mm, you're talking like a hero. Regina: Yes, like all you Charmings always do. But right now that's not your job. You're more than heroes. You're leaders, which means making the tough choice where someone has to lose, and you have to say who. Mary Margaret: I agree with Regina. You're right. Emma: Yeah, I heard it, too. Mary Margaret: We need to do what's best for the most people. We need to give this town its best chance. David: I'm so sorry, but we have to let the fairies destroy that necklace. David: This can't be easy. (Emma goes to speak to Elsa. Elsa gives her a purse. Emma brings the purse to her parents. Elsa takes the elevator and goes back to the tunnels with Anna's necklace.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, David, Mary Margaret, Regina and Henry enter at Granny's Diner.) Belle: The necklace. Do you have it? Emma: It's right here. Mother Superior: It's pebbles from the mine. Emma: What? Mary Margaret: Where is it? Regina: She tricked us so she can use it... To keep tracking down her damn sister! I should know better than o trust blondes by now. Emma: We should go back and get it. Belle: No, it's... It's too late. Mary Margaret: Too late? Already?! Belle: By the time you get back here, yes. Without Anna being here physically, there's no way to make a counter spell in time. Regina: Time for a hope speech? Virtues of blind faith? Mary Margaret: Well, it seems Elsa's blind faith is exactly what's screwing us right now. Regina: Coming from you, that's just terrifying. Emma: Well, I'm not giving up. I know she's down in the mines looking for Anna. I'm gonna go help Elsa find her. David: Well, then go, because right now that's our only shot. [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa is looking for Anna in the tunnels. Emma joins her.) Emma: Elsa! Elsa: I'm sorry! I have to try this! (Elsa uses her powers to break the wall.) Emma: The beach? That map couldn't have been any more wrong. Elsa: I don't understand. She should be here. Emma: Elsa, I'm sorry. Magic isn't always perfect. Elsa: So even though it's still glowing, because she's not here, it means... Emma: The search is over. 30 years is a long time. Elsa: You think something's happened to her, and this has all been a mistake? Emma: I think we need to deal with the problem in front of us right now. I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (On the Jolly Roger.) Anna: How do you keep doing that? Hans: You didn't exactly leave inconspicuously. A paid informant on the docks in Arendelle and the swiftest ship in the Navy got us here just in time. Anna: This was a trap? We have a deal! Something about... What, well over 200 pounds of gold. Blackbeard: You know, when you're angry, you look so much like your mother. Anna: Wait. You met my mother? Blackbeard: And your dear papa as well. A very regal couple. The fact they thought I wouldn't recognize royalty was charmingly naive of them. Honestly, I liked them. Sold them the star at cost, actually. Kristoff: The Wishing Star? Anna: That doesn't make sense. If they had it, they would've used it to take away Elsa's magic. Blackbeard: Oh, well, perhaps they didn't know that the Wishing Star can only be used by those with... Pure hearts. Anna: Well, if there's another one, we're still interested, and we can pay just as much as he can. Hans: Can you? Because my brothers and I spent Wednesday rolling around on the money in the royal treasury. Anna: You rolled around in gold bars? Weird. And ouch. Hans: Figure of speech. We revelled in it. The point is, it's now in my control, not yours. You're what they call penniless. But, uh, that doesn't matter, because where you're going, you don't need money. Anna: Where is that? Hans: Death. Kristoff: I'm not sure that's a place. Hans: Well, you're both about to find out. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Poseidon's Bone Yard ] [SCENE_BREAK] (On the Jolly Roger.) Hans: This is the treacherous area known as Poseidon's Bone Yard... The exact spot where your parents' ship went down. How fitting that mother and daughter will have their last regrets in the same place. Will you both die, wishing you'd never tried to help your freak sister? Well... Maybe your bones will mingle with your mother's on the bottom of the sea. Blackbeard: Bring forward the trunk! Hans: There's a trunk? How... How will their bones mingle if she's in a trunk? Blackbeard: I once had a rival who made me walk the plank. And much to my surprise, I was saved by a mermaid. I applied the lesson. This trunk will make sure you die without "finterference." Anna: Elsa's gonna get out of that urn, and when she does, she's gonna take back the kingdom and kick you and your brothers back to the Southern isles, which sounds lovelier than I bet it actually is. Uhh! Hans: I doubt that. I control the Royal Navy, the Vast Armies, and even this Enchanted Ship you're about to be thrown off... The Jolly Roger. And if Elsa hasn't found a way to escape an urn in the last 30 years, I doubt she ever will. Anna: Wait. What? 30 years? Hans: The spell that froze Arendelle, it had us all frozen for 30 years. Anna: My aunt kept us like that for decades? Elsa. My poor sister. She was stuck in an urn all that time! Kristoff: Why would Ingrid unfreeze us all right now? Anna: Because she wants to do something worse. We have to get to Elsa. We have to stop whatever it is Ingrid... aah! Hans: She's so talky. Blackbeard: Men! (The pirates threw the trunk overboard.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Elsa are walking on the beach.) Elsa: I'm sorry, Emma, but I still have faith. I still believe she's... Emma: What? Elsa: It stopped glowing. Emma: I'm sorry. Elsa: She's really gone. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Poseidon's Bone yard ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Under the sea.) Kristoff: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's a nail back there. Okay, I think I can get through the ropes. Anna: Help! Help! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (On the beach.) Elsa: This was my present for Anna for her wedding. It was among my mother's things, but to us, it was new. And I turned it into the last gift I ever gave her. Emma: Elsa, I'm so sorry, but it's almost sundown. That cloud is gonna hit any time. We have to go. Everyone's gonna turn on each other, and something tells me that being immune to the curse is not gonna stop them from attacking us. Elsa: I failed. I deserve to be attacked. This... This is all I have left of Anna. Now I'll never know what happened to her. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Poseidon's Bone Yard ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Under the sea.) Kristoff: Come on. Come on! Oh, come on! Uhh! Oh! Look! Look! I got my hands out. Okay, I'm gonna untie you. All right? Okay, come here. Come on. Okay. Okay, come here. Come here. Anna: Anna of Arendelle, promise to love and cherish you. Kristoff: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Anna: Marrying you before we die. Kristoff: No. Anna: What? Kristoff: You don't get to marry me unless we get out of this. Okay? Just keep your chin up and breathe. Okay? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (On the beach.) Elsa: Anna, wherever you are, whatever happened to you all those years ago, I'm so sorry I didn't find you. I still have faith. I know you're out there somewhere. I won't give up hope. I just wish... I wish you were with me now. Emma: Elsa, come on. Something's happening. Elsa: Do you think it's my aunt's spell? Emma: I don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Poseidon's Bone Yard ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Under the sea.) Kristoff: Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. I love you. Anna: I love you, too. (The water starts to boil.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (A portal is opened on the sea.) Emma: What is that? (The trunk appears. Anna and Kristoff open it.) Elsa: Anna? Anna! Anna: Elsa! Elsa: Anna! Oh! I couldn't find you! Anna: I was looking for you! I put you in an urn! Elsa: You missed your wedding! Anna: It's okay! We're here! Elsa: But you're still young! Anna: We were frozen! Kristoff: For 30 years, apparently. Anna: How did this happen?! Elsa: How did you get here?! Emma: It's like you wished it. Anna: My necklace. It was the Wishing Star! Kristoff: This is an amazing miracle. But it is a cold miracle, and we're all wet, so... Emma: Yes. If we can get Anna back to the fairies right away, she might be able to stop the spell. Elsa: Wait. There's something I have to do first. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Granny's diner.) Belle: So Anna's on her way. Do you really think they can do it? Mr Gold: Well, perhaps. But, uh, if there's one thing I've learned, it's never trust a fairy. Come. Let's get you someplace safe... Just in case. (Hook is still hiding, waiting for Mr Gold orders.) [SCENE_BREAK] (In the street.) Kristoff: So this spell can't affect Anna because it already got her once? Emma: Exactly. Anna: And the two of you? Emma: We're immune. It's a long story. We... We just gotta hurry. Anna: What a funny-looking world. Elsa: Right? [SCENE_BREAK] (At Granny's diner. Mother Superior was working on the potion when lighting hits. Everybody scream and run. The nuns are sucking by the hat. Mother Superior tries to hide.) Hook: I'm sorry. I truly am. (Hook traps the Mother Superior in the hat.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Elsa, Anna and Kristoff arrive at the restaurant. They enter in it.) Elsa: What happened here? Emma: What do you think? The Snow Queen. Anna: What does this mean? Emma: It means that even with you here, we can't protect everyone. Elsa: So what do we do now? Emma: Prepare for the worst. (Hook is hiding behind the counter. He's sad and waits for Emma, Anna, Elsa and Kristoff leaving.) [SCENE_BREAK] (In the street near Mr Gold's shop.) Mr Gold: You'll be safe in here. Belle: So you... You can keep the spell out? Mr Gold: No, but we must be separated. As Dark One, I may be immune to the spell, but you can still hurt me. Go inside and stay in the back room. I'm gonna seal it with a protection spell so no one can get to you. Belle: Okay. Mr Gold: Look, I... I'll be back soon, and then we're gonna be together and we're gonna be fine. I promise. (He hugs her and he enters in the shop. He casts a protection spell on the shop. Hook arrives.) Mr Gold: Is it done? Hook: You know, she truly loves you. You could have her forever, or all the power in the world. It's your choice. Mr Gold: I don't need to choose, thank you. I can and will have both. Hook: Now that it's settled, are we done? Mr Gold: No, no. I'm not gonna give up control of you just yet, not until I have everything I need. Hook: What's left? Mr Gold: That's my concern, not yours. But by morning, all should be complete, including your life. Now run along, dearie, and enjoy your last day in this or any land. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the sheriff station.) Emma: Mom, dad, we're running out of time. You said you had a plan. David: Kristoff? Kristoff: David? David: You cut your hair. Kristoff: So did you! David: I see you brought your lovely fiancée. Joan? Kristoff: Joan? Anna: It was a... Code name. David, I like you short hair. Not that I didn't like it long or that I thought it was... It's good to see you. David: Likewise. This is my wife Snow, our son Neal, and our daughter Emma. Anna: Wait. What? How can she be your daughter? Emma: It's a long story. Once we survive this curse, I'll be happy to tell you all about it. The plan. What's the plan? Mary Margaret: This is the plan. Emma: What? Mary Margaret: You and Anna and Elsa are the only ones immune, so the rest of us need to protect ourselves. David: You might wanna try that desk, old friend. It's sturdy. Cuff keys are in the top drawer. Emma: I'm not locking you in there. Mary Margaret: Yes, you have to. David: We won't be able to hurt anyone from in here. Mary Margaret: Take the keys, Emma. Emma: I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know how long it's gonna last. I don't know what's gonna happen to me. I mean, what if... What if you starve to death in there? Mary Margaret: No, Emma, you're gonna fix this thing, and then you're gonna come back and save us. Emma: You think? David: We believe in you. Mary Margaret: Please. Now you know Henry's in a safe place, and Regina and the others can take care of themselves. (Emma locks her parents in jails.) Emma: What about the baby? David: No, don't worry. Neal won't be with us. Emma: Who's gonna take him? Mary Margaret: You are. Emma: Oh. Mary Margaret: We don't fear your magic, Emma. It's what's gonna allow you to take on the Snow Queen and win. David: And when you do, you'll be right back here unlocking these doors. Mary Margaret: We trust you. And Henry's right. You are special, and you are going to use that specialness and save both of you. Elsa: You have wonderful parents, Emma. Emma: I know. (Hook comes in.) Hook: Swan? A word. Emma: Elsa, can you hold my brother? Elsa: Of course. It's okay. Emma: What are you doing here? You know what's about to happen. Hook: Aye. I know. I just needed to see you. Before I chained myself to the dock for the protection of all, I... Needed to see you one more time. Emma: Killian, I'm not... A tearful goodbye kiss person. But maybe just this once. (She kisses him.) Hook: Goodbye. (Hook leaves.) Emma: Okay. Kristoff: Not long now. Anna: Looks like one more adventure together. Mary Margaret: Here it comes. (David and Mary Margaret hold their hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina leads Henry to the Mayor's office.) Regina: Henry, I am so sorry. I should have stayed focused on Operation Mongoose, but Robin Hood... I... I let my heart pull me elsewhere. Henry: Operation Mongoose is not over. We're gonna find the author. You will be happy. Regina: First, we have to survive. Now listen to me carefully, Henry. I'm going to seal this place. You're going to be locked in, but more importantly, everyone else will be locked out. Henry: I understand. Regina: Don't be scared. Henry: I'm not, mom. Emma and Elsa will fix this. I have faith. Regina: I wish I was as brave as you. Henry: Now go. I'll be okay. Really, go. Regina: I love you. Henry: I love you, too. (Regina gets out and seals the office.) Robin: Where to now? Regina: My vault. And you need to get as far away from it as possible. It's dangerous even being around each other now. We're moments away. Robin: It's okay. Roland and Marian are locked away somewhere even I don't know. Henry is safe in there. I'll go and chain myself to a tree in a minute... Unless you want me to come with you. Regina: No, no, no, no, no. I need to seal myself in that vault. To keep people out? Robin: Oh, no. Regina: To keep me in. Robin: Regina, I'm not afraid of you. Regina: But you've really... Really should be. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina seals her in her vault.) [SCENE_BREAK] (At the Sheriff Station) Mary Margaret: Never let go. David: Hey. Don't be afraid. You know, we share a heart, and nothing can come between two halves of one heart. These are just precautions. No spell is strong enough to break what we have. [SCENE_BREAK] (Everyone waits for the spell. Emma tries to protect her brother. David and Mary Margaret are hit by the spell, they spilt their hand.)

Plan: A: unnecessary details; Q: What should be removed from this episode's plot summary? A: April 2016; Q: When was this episode aired? A: Ingrid; Q: Who does Anna say needs to be killed to break the spell? A: Ingrid shares; Q: Who shares ribbons with Emma and Elsa? A: hatred; Q: What is the only way to destroy the ribbons? A: Regina; Q: Who does Emma go to to get the ribbons destroyed? A: a fireball; Q: What does Emma provoke Regina into shooting at them? A: her magic; Q: What does Ingrid try to get Emma to use? A: Storybrooke; Q: Where does Ingrid move to after Emma runs away? A: November 2011; Q: When did Emma arrive in Storybrooke? A: the present; Q: When Anna finds the letter from her mother, what time period is it? A: the curse; Q: What does Ingrid regret? A: her sisters; Q: Who does Ingrid reunite with? A: Hook; Q: Who does Rumple blackmail into getting him, Belle, and Henry out of Storybrooke? A: Gold; Q: Who makes his final preparations to leave with Belle to New York? Summary: This episode's plot summary may be too long or excessively detailed. Please help improve it by removing unnecessary details and making it more concise. (April 2016) (Learn how and when to remove this template message) Anna informs Emma and Elsa that killing Ingrid is the only way to break the Spell of Shattered Sight. The ribbons Ingrid shares with Emma and Elsa keeps them from hurting her and can only be destroyed by hatred. They go to Regina, and Emma succeeds in provoking Regina into shooting a fireball in hatred at them, which dissolves the ribbons. In the past of the Land Without Magic, Emma is fostered by Ingrid and the two grow very close until Ingrid tries to get Emma to utilize her magic. Emma runs away and Ingrid moves to Storybrooke. In November 2011, Emma arrives in Storybrooke, and Ingrid takes Emma's memories of Ingrid. In the present, Anna finds the letter from her and Elsa's mother. The content makes Ingrid regret the curse, sacrifice herself to save everyone and reunite with her sisters. Rumple blackmails Hook into getting him, Belle, and Henry out of Storybrooke before the curse takes over but Hook is unsuccessful in acquiring Henry. Once the curse is broken, Gold makes his final preparations to leave with Belle to New York.

"The He in the She" [SCENE_BREAK] (Open: Beach scene - two hippies fishing on a beach) HIPPIE #2: Oh, I'm so toasted HIPPIE #1: Yeah, me, too. HIPPIE #2: Hey. HIPPIE #1: What? HIPPIE #2: Early morning...Shouldn't it be foggy? HIPPIE #1: Global warming. HIPPIE #2: But it's all good. HIPPIE #1: No, not really. I don't want to be negative, but it's not all good. Just ask a penguin, man. Global warming sucks. HIPPIE #2: (noticing something in the water) What's that? HIPPIE #1: Global warming is when some kind of carbon gasses get built up... HIPPIE #2: No, what's that? (staring at object in water) HIPPIE #1: Just trash. HIPPIE #2: (goes to look closer) No, man. (starts to pull item from the water, sees that it's the hand of a skeleton) Oh! (Cut to Sweet's office - Booth, Brennan, and Sweets are all sitting silently. Booth's phone vibrates) BOOTH: Oh! Look at that - thank God, somebody got murdered. BRENNAN: Okay, let's go. (Both rush out of the room.) SWEETS: You're supposed to turn your phones completely off during our sessions, you know? Not just vibrate. It's a matter of respect. (Cut to beach scene - Booth and Brennan are walking towards the beach. The scene is surrounded by police tape.) BOOTH: Hi, guys. (two police officers hold up the yellow tape, allowing Booth and Brennan to pass under) MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: (Saroyan and Nigel-Murray walk up from the water line) Oh, hey. Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Mr. Nigel-Murray, what are you doing here? CAM: We decided to utilize some of your brighter grad students until we find a full-time forensic anthropologist, remember? BRENNAN: Do you consider yourself one of my brighter grad students, Mr. Nigel-Murray? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Yes. And so do you, Dr. Brennan. BOOTH: I am not calling this kid Mr. Nigel...anything. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Vincent. Or Vince. Or Vinnie, Vin, Vincenzo. Actually, uh, I had this girlfriend once who used to call me Vino Delectable because of how my, eh... (Booth and Bones stare at him) MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: You don't...need to know that. Uh, what do you need me to do first? BRENNAN: I need you to go back to the lab. CAM: I thought perhaps you might want Vin...cent to shadow you, get a real sense of what you do. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Little known forensic fact: tongue prints are as distinctive as finger prints, so...I can be useful in the field. BRENNAN: I need a forensic anthropologist in the lab so I can spend my time aiming Agent Booth in the right direction. BOOTH: "Aiming Agent Booth"? What, like a hose? BRENNAN: Well, here. Take my car. (hands her car keys to Mr. Nigel-Murray) I'll get a ride with Booth. BRENNAN: How were these remains found? BOOTH: Well, let me aim you in this direction, okay, Bones? CAM: Two - let's call them hippies - found these remains this morning. BOOTH: (chuckles and glances at the hippies) Deadheads. CAM: Oh, I sold veggie burritos and followed Phish one whole summer. It was fantastic. BRENNAN: I'm not able to ascertain s*x without a pelvic bone. CAM: Well, if this scrap of cloth is a bathing suit, then probably female. BRENNAN: Are you good at estimating time of death for submerged corpses? CAM: Heavily degraded by crab and fish. Two to three weeks? That could be a breast implant. BOOTH: Breasts - that's my department, okay? You give me a serial number, my guys will be able to track that down. CAM: Why is there only half a skeleton? BRENNAN: Because the spine has been severed. BOOTH: So, severed spine equals foul play. BRENNAN: No, not necessarily. BOOTH: Then it was an accident. BRENNAN: No, it was foul play. BOOTH: I just said that. BRENNAN: Mm, this hand has sustained trauma. BOOTH: Shark attack. BRENNAN: No. The fingers got smashed from what looks like multiple blows. That suggests foul play and...not by a shark. CAM: We'll have Hodgins take a close look for particulates. BOOTH: Okay, great. So what do we do next? BRENNAN: Find the other half? (Everyone looks to the ocean) (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab, Forensics Platform - Cam and Mr. Nigel-Murray are examining the skeleton) CAM: What do you see, Mr. Nigel-Murray? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Eye sockets. CAM: Anything special about these sockets? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: There are no eyeballs in them? CAM: We already have Agent Booth to make lame jokes. Let's stick to facts. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: The rods in the human eye are sensitive enough to detect the light emitted by a struck match from as much as a mile away on a clear night. CAM: Okay, let's stick to relevant facts. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: These sockets have been ground down. CAM: Okay, that could be useful. Especially if you have an explanation. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Plastic surgery. Oh, she had, uh, fake boobs, too. CAM: "Sockets," "eyeballs," "boobs" - I wouldn't use these words when conferring with Dr. Brennan. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: I know. With her, it's all "supraorbital limbus" and "mammary implants." But you seemed a more colloquial sort. CAM: Well, in that case, what about the backbone? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: A clean transection between the L1 and L2 vertebrae. Obviously, that would have been fatal if it had happened while the victim were still alive. (looks to computer screen showing victim's skull) This conk to the parietal bone would not have been fatal. And these abrasions are puzzling. (points to computer screen showing victim's ribs) CAM: Postmortem scraping from the remains being washed up on a stony beach. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Uh...should I have known that? CAM: Point is, you do now. (Hodgins enters Platform) HODGINS: The remains show traces of fresh water and pelagic sediment common to Chesapeake Bay. (glances at Mr. Nigel-Murray, then looks at Cam) Grad student? CAM: He's done very well so far. HODGINS: (looks back to Mr. Nigel-Murray) He'll disappoint. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Why? HODGINS: (chuckles, then looks to a computer screen) I've discovered microscopic tooth shards from the Alosa sapidissima, also known as the American shad, on what flesh there is. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: In the 1700s the shad was especially valued as a delicacy. HODGINS: Yeah. Fascinating. Based on currents, shad populations, and sheer guesswork... CAM: Don't tell him you're guessing. HODGINS: ...the victim died in the same body of water in which she was found, probably within six miles. CAM: I got a serial number off the breast implant. The FBI's tracking it down now. HODGINS: Traces of copolymer on the vertebrae, nearly microscopic. I'm chasing that down. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: I...won't disappoint. I graduated with first-class honors from Leeds. Also, I have a retentive memory. CAM: Ah...that would explain the, um...informative tangents. HODGINS: Does Brennan put "Mister" in front of your name? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Yes. HODGINS: It's her very subtle way of saying you're not a doctor. (walks off the Platform smiling) CAM: (calls after Hodgins) Don't tell him that! MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Do you know what large-breasted women and fish remind me of? CAM: Be very careful what you say next, Mr. Nigel-Murray. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores. CAM: Tangents, Mr. Nigel-Murray, tangents and diversions. Perhaps we could keep those to a minimum. The FBI's traced the breast implant to Baltimore plastic surgeon. He replaced a leaking implant for this woman. (shows Mr. Nigel-Murray a file with a picture of the victim) (Cut to SUV - Booth and Brennan in the car, Brennan is holding the same file Cam had and is looking at a picture of the victim) BRENNAN: So, her name is Patricia Ludmuller, RR#1, Maylor Island, Maryland. BOOTH: Yeah, reported missing three weeks ago. Presumed drowned after she didn't come back from her morning swim. BRENNAN: Very striking facial features. BOOTH: Yeah, well, according to your Mr.... what's his name? BRENNAN: Nigel-Murray? BOOTH: Yeah. Those were mostly artificial, too. BRENNAN: How many people live on Maylor Island? BOOTH: I'd say about a couple thousand--that's one of those end-of-the-world places where the weirdoes flock. BRENNAN: Why go to this much trouble to make yourself look beautiful and then move to the end of the world? BOOTH: Well, the background check on her turned up suspiciously little. All right? There's no credit cards, no driver's license. Officially, she didn't exist before five years ago. BRENNAN: Witness protection? BOOTH: No. Marshals say she's not one of theirs. But, you know, sometimes they lie. BRENNAN: If you really wanted to hide, you wouldn't make yourself look beautiful. BOOTH: Well, if you want to hide, Bones, you'd change your looks as much as you can. (Cut to Maylor Island - Brennan and Booth walking down a street) BOOTH: Talk about low profile. BRENNAN: It's very peaceful. BOOTH: Yeah, well, these peaceful places, they usually have a seething underbelly. BRENNAN: Really? BOOTH: Well, I mean, what do I know? I'm from Philly, where the underbelly's on top. Just focus. Look--our victim's home. (points to victim's house) (Cut to inside of Patricia Ludmuller's house - Booth and Brennan are looking around) BRENNAN: This is a very spiritual person, catholic in her tastes. BOOTH: Oh, what, you can tell she's Catholic? BRENNAN: Not Catholic, catholic. Encompassing, universal. She has a lot of religious books, but they cover a wide range of dogmas and philosophies. She herself seems to be Protestant. There's crosses, no crucifixes. BOOTH: (looking at a picture of Patricia with her congregation) She's a pastor. Yeah. Looks like one of those grassroots community churches. BRENNAN: (looking at Patricia's open bible) She was preparing for a sermon. BOOTH: A pastor with breast augmentation and veneers? BRENNAN: So? BOOTH: A spiritual leader shouldn't be so vain. BRENNAN: The Pope sits on a throne; he wears robes worth thousands of dollars. Isn't that vanity? BOOTH: Really? You're going after the Pope now? BRENNAN: One pastor gets her teeth whitened, and the other drinks wine on Sunday mornings and tells everyone that it's been miraculously transformed into blood. Which of those is more outlandish? (Booth pushes button Patricia's answering machine) MACHINE: You have one new message. JP: (on machine) It's JP again. I'm sorry. I-I miss you. I need to see you--it's important. I really need you, Patty. Please call. Please. BOOTH: Sounds like a lost sheep in need of religious counseling. BRENNAN: Sounds more like a desperate boyfriend. BOOTH: (looking at Patricia's telephone) Nothing here. It's just caller ID's blocked. (Booth's cell phone rings) Hold on. (on phone) Booth. Yeah? Where? (to Bones) Bones. Bones. They found a pelvis and legs in the water about eight miles from here in the Virginia side of the bay. BRENNAN: They should take it to the lab. BOOTH: (on phone) Okay, send it over to the lab, now. (Cut to Medico-Legal Lab, autopsy room - Cam and Mr. Nigel-Murray are looking at the bottom half of the body) CAM: There's more tissue on this half. And just because we have the top of a body and the bottom of a body doesn't mean it's all the same body. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: This half starts where the other half ends, at the L2 vertebra. Coincidence? I think not. CAM: Based on the lack of hemorrhagic tissue, this victim was already dead when cut in half. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: He's in the water...drowning, maybe, or-or he was pushed from a boat. When he reaches for the boat, his fingers are smashed. He drowns, and then is cut in half later in some maritime mishap. CAM: He? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Triangular pubis. No evidence of a ventral arc. The pelvic bone speaks--it says, "I be male." CAM: The pelvic bone can say whatever it wants to say--this part here says female. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: What part's that? CAM: It's called a v*g1n*. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Did you know that women blink twice as often as men? CAM: Which might be useful information if the fish hadn't eaten our victim's eyelids. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Ah, relevance. CAM: Well, I can do a DNA comparison to find out if these two sets of human remains come from the same victim. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: The measurements of the vertebrae match perfectly. I-I'm nearly positive that it's all one victim. CAM: Who is... MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Male. CAM: And female. We have one victim with two sexes. (Cut to Booth's office - Booth, Brennan, and Sweets are sitting around) SWEETS: A transgender? BRENNAN: Post-op. She had female s*x organs. SWEETS: So if she had sexual reassignment surgery, she would be a transsexual. BOOTH: How do they do that? BRENNAN: They split the pen1s, and then turn it inside out-- carefully, so as not to damage the nerves. And then they use the glans to create a nerve cluster dense enough to achieve orgasm. BOOTH: Okay, new rule. No surgical details, all right? SWEETS: Generally, transgendered people feel that they're the victim of a cosmic mistake. They're certain, from a young age, that they were born into the wrong body. Surgery and hormone treatments are a way to correct that biological mistake. BRENNAN: Which is why Patricia Ludmuller's past only went back five years. BOOTH: Are pastors allowed to think that God makes those kind of mistakes? SWEETS: Do you think God makes that kind of mistake? BOOTH: I think that God expects us to overcome certain things. SWEETS: The term "trans" conveys a meaning of "beyond the cross." Moving further. There's a very spiritual component. BOOTH: Let's say some hyper religious fundamentalist finds out that Sister Patricia used to be Father Paul... SWEETS: And murders her. Okay, you mentioned that there was an intense message on Patricia Ludmuller's answering machine, right? BRENNAN: Yes. SWEETS: If, say, she had s*x with a man, and then informed him that she was transgender, isn't that a more likely motive for murder? BRENNAN: Anthropologically speaking, a male's status in a society is closely connected with what he perceives to be his outward maleness. BOOTH: Look, there's no way the guy on that answering machine knew that he...she... he... knew that she... he...was transgender. BRENNAN: How do you know? BOOTH: Well, because I know an "ain't too proud to beg" phone call when I hear one, all right? He had no idea that she wasn't a real woman. SWEETS: That's very insightful. BOOTH: Thank you. Insightful. See? SWEETS: Except for the "real woman" slip. BRENNAN: Have you made many of these "ain't too proud to beg" calls in the past? BOOTH: What do you say we just stay focused here? SWEETS: Okay, have you ruled out completely that Patricia Ludmuller's murder might be because of something that happened before he became a woman? BOOTH: I put a request in to find out his previous identity before he was a woman. That's the best I could do. Okay, from now on, he is always a she. She was a he when she died, so she deserves the respect due to him or her...okay, person! BRENNAN: Okay... I'm a genius, and I'm confused. (Cut to Maylor Island beach - Congregation is meeting by the shore, Booth and Brennan join them.) WADE: Pastor Patricia was our center. Like the best leaders, she drew us together without even trying. BRENNAN: Did you release identity? BOOTH: Their pastor went for a swim and never came back. All right? The body washed up. BRENNAN: Intuitive leap. Right. WADE: Let's pray together. Let's pray that whatever happened to Patricia out there alone came peacefully. That God embraced her as His daughter. That there was no pain, only God's great serenity. CHUCK: A moment of silence for the pastor we loved so much. BRENNAN: What are you doing? BOOTH: I'm praying. Would you keep your voice down? BRENNAN: Sorry. You're not a member. BOOTH: It's not a gym, Bones. BOOTH: Excuse me, Mr., uh... WADE: Wade Schmidt. You're FBI? BRENNAN: How did you know that Patricia Ludmuller was the victim found in the bay? WADE: She's a member of our community, and she's gone--we feel her loss. We're right, aren't we? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Is there a... a vice pastor? Somebody else we can talk to? WADE: Not really. I take care of the finances. Chuck, over there, he acted as kind of an unofficial assistant to Patricia. BRENNAN: What will happen to the church now? WADE: To be honest, I'm not optimistic that we'll survive Patricia's loss. BRENNAN: Why? You're a community of people with a common superstition. The shared illusion should be enough to bind you. BOOTH: Bones. WADE: Patricia would like you. She'd say, "That's the one that will keep us honest." BRENNAN: See? She would have liked me. BOOTH: She keeps everyone honest--this one. WADE: Hey, Chuck, you got a moment? These people are from the FBI. CHUCK: I thought Patricia drowned. BRENNAN: We don't know the cause of death yet. CHUCK: She went for a swim on a foggy morning. She got cut in half by a yacht propeller or a destroyer returning to Norfolk, okay? WADE: Chuck. BRENNAN: We don't know how the body was disarticulated. CHUCK: What the hell do you know? BOOTH: We know what we don't know, Mr. Kennedy. That's why we're asking questions. CHUCK: Yeah, we do have a few felons in our congregation-- former addicts. Not to mention the less serious sins-lying, vanity, sloth, greed. I, myself, had a meth problem. Would you like to arrest me? BOOTH: Is that a confession, Chuck? CHUCK: Yeah. Yeah, I'm confessing to a past. I have a past, like everybody else. I bet even you do. Of course, God absolved me of my past. How about you? (leaves) BOOTH: See you around WADE: He's taking it hard. The way Chuck sees it, Patricia introduced him to God, and God saved his life. Gave him focus, made him part of a community. BOOTH: Do you have a congregant called JP? WADE: Yes. BOOTH: Could you point him out to us, please? (Wade indicates a man standing on the shore, looking at the ocean) (Cut to interrogation room - Booth and JP are sitting at a table. Angela is just outside the room, wearing a headset so she can talk to Booth. Both Angela and Booth have photos of Patricia.) JP: It's still hard to believe the pastor's gone. BOOTH: I understand she was one hell of a swimmer. ANGELA: Hey, Booth, I'm looking at these pictures you gave me, and body language and facial expressions tell some very interesting stories. BOOTH: Why don't you give me your insights? JP: She swam every single day. Yeah. But you don't need me for that insight. Ask anybody. ANGELA: He holds himself separate from the congregation. What do you think that means? BOOTH: How long have you been a member of the Inclusion Church? JP: Well, I joined about six months ago. ANGELA: He's a latecomer to the church, huh? That's a good one. BOOTH: (TO Angela) Thank you. (to JP) For sharing that. JP: Why would anybody lie about when they joined a church? BOOTH: So what brought you to the church? JP: I had a drinking problem, which gave me problems with the law, which gave me marital problems. BOOTH: You served two years less a day for assault. JP: When I got out of jail, I wanted my wife back. I wanted my life back. ANGELA: It doesn't look like things are going so great with the wife. BOOTH: Are you living with your wife again? JP: I got a ways to go before Rita trusts me whole hog, you know? Plus, she's not that excited about the religious aspect. Why is the FBI interested in a pastor drowning? BOOTH: Well, there's more than one way for a person to drown. Did you always call her "pastor"? JP: What else would I call her? (Booth plays answering machine tape) JP: Hey, it's JP again. I'm sorry. I... I miss you. I need to see you. It's important. I really need you, Patty. Please call. Please. JP: You got it all wrong. That call is not what you're thinking. I was calling the pastor about Rita. BOOTH: Really? ANGELA: Hold on a minute. Look at the last photo. He knew. BOOTH: (to Angela) You can't tell that from a photo. JP: I beg your pardon? ANGELA: I can. He knew that she used to be a man. BOOTH: (to Angela) It doesn't show in the photographs. (to JP) You know what I'm saying? JP: About what Patricia was before? ANGELA: I told you he knew. BOOTH: What was your reaction when you found out that Pastor Patricia wasn't a real woman? JP: Don't say Patty wasn't a real woman. It makes you sound ignorant. BOOTH: The pastor came between you and your wife, but she was living a lie. You lost your manhood and your religion all in one go. Or what? Did prison just widen your tastes? ANGELA: You're just pretending to be a jerk to get a rise out of this guy, right? JP: I didn't want to develop feelings for Patricia, but I did, and that didn't change when she told me who she used to be. BOOTH: Who did she used to be? JP: What do you want, a name? I don't know. I never asked. Can't you look it up on some legal name change form? If you'd have ever met Patty, you'd know what I know. What God knows. What she knew. She was not a man. ANGELA: Yeah. I'm with him on this one. (Medico-Legal Lab, autopsy room - Brennan, Cam, and Mr. Nigel-Murray have Patricia's skeleton on the table and are examining test results on a computer) CAM: Bone marrow and liver remnants contain high concentrations of ethanol estradyal etherone acetate and spironolactone, which is an anti-androgen. BRENNAN: Hormone replacement therapy. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Very healthy bone mass. High percentages of calcium and vitamin D. BRENNAN: Which indicates... MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: A health nut. CAM: Tox screen shows Stamaril, Havrix Monodose and Engerix-B. BRENNAN: Vaccinations? CAM: Yellow fever, Hep A and Hep B. BRENNAN: All necessary for traveling to the Far East. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Did you know that only 20% of Americans have passports? That's not irrelevant. Perhaps that's why there's no record of this guy...woman...having a s*x change. It could have happened in, you know, Thailand. CAM: Very good, Mr. Nigel-Murray. BRENNAN: Though conjecture is not really what we do here in the lab. So...But very good, Mr. Nigel-Murray. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to couch rest area - Mr. Nigel-Murray and Hodgins are sitting) MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Can I ask you something? HODGINS: Is there any way to say no? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Whatever happened to whoever it was who used to work here before me? HODINGS: He joined forces with a serial killer who was the last in a long line of cannibalistic murderers specializing in knocking off members of secret societies and building skeletons out of their body parts. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Wow, I hope that doesn't happen to me. So he's not coming back? HODGINS: No. He's locked up for the rest of his life. But we all still like him. ANGELA: (approaches) Excuse me. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Hello, hello, hello. HODGINS: Are you familiar with the expression, "That's way too much car for you"? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: I believe that's one of ours, actually, sir. Yes. ANGELA: Hey, I want to show you something. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: I want to show you something. ANGELA: Vroom, vroom, kid. You're already in my rearview mirror. Booth said the FBI couldn't find any record of an official name change, or anything showing who Patricia Ludmuller was before the s*x change operation. HODINGS: It's possible she had her surgery done in the Far East. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. ANGELA: Anyway, what I did was (showing her drawings)...here she is as a woman. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Hmm, not bad. I mean, I mean the sketch... Okay. ANGELA: (showing another drawing) Here I made her more masculine. I made the bony prominences more robust, increased the size of the mastoid processes and the nuchal crests. HODGINS: Seldom seen bigger nuchal crests. ANGELA: It doesn't look like anybody you recognize? HODGINS: Should it? ANGELA: I also added facial hair. (showing last drawing) Do you recognize him now? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: It's that guy. HODGINS: "Oh, evil spirits come out." ANGELA: That's exactly what I thought. (Cut to an office - Cam, Angela, Hodgins, and Mr. Nigel-Murray watching a video of Patrick Stephenson) PATRICK: (on video) Yes, God makes demands of us! This money belongs to God, not me! Who will join me in giving God what is rightfully His? He is asking you now, at this moment. What is your answer? What is your answer to God when He calls your name? Will you deny Him? CAM: Pastor Patrick Stephenson. HODGINS: Disappeared six years ago. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, wow, I got it right. He disappeared from, uh, Vietnam or Thailand, one of those places. ANGELA: Yeah, on a world tour. His followers said he was the first of many who'd be taken up in the Rapture. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: So that guy went from that to being a woman pastor in a cottage on Chesapeake Bay? HODINGS: Some people would call that heaven. CAM: Amazing job, Angela. ANGELA: Yeah, well, check this out. (shows video of Patrick with his wife and son) HODINGS: She had a wife and son before she gave up being a he. (Cut to conference room - Brennan, Booth, and Cecilia Stephenson are talking) CECILIA: The Thai federal police were certain that Patrick had been robbed and killed. BOOTH: Yeah, well, uh, it's a lot to absorb. BRENNAN: A sex-change operation in Bangkok, Thailand costs about $25,000. CECILIA: You want me to believe that Patrick stole money and then had himself transformed into a woman? BOOTH: It's a scenario. CECILIA: Patrick was a religious man. He would never offend God in this blatant manner. BRENNAN: The theft, you mean, because it's a sin? CECILIA: A sex-change operation. We are made in God's image, Dr. Brennan. Who are we to alter that image? BRENNAN: Obviously, you dye your hair, there's evidence of plastic surgery. CECILIA: That's different. BOOTH: Bones. BRENNAN: How? BOOTH: It's augmenting God's work, not undoing it completely. How about that, Bones? BRENNAN: We have a DNA match between your husband and the deceased female found in the Chesapeake Bay. (to Booth) Do these people believe in DNA? BOOTH: Look, it seems as though your husband sent a check made out to the church every month. CECILIA: A hundred dollars a month? So Patrick was repaying us for the money he took? BRENNAN: Actually, it's more accurate to say that Patricia was repaying you for the money that Patrick took. BOOTH: During these intervening years, did your husband ever try to contact you? CECILIA: No. I believed the Thai police when they declared Patrick dead. BRENNAN: And your son? CECILIA: Ryan would definitely have told me if he'd heard from his father. BOOTH: Oh, we're gonna have to talk to him. CECILIA: The last I heard, he was in California. After his father vanished, Ryan took over preaching the Word of God to our flock...for about a year. Then he had a crisis of faith and left. Ryan is still in the throes of that crisis. I have faith that in the fullness of time, God will lead Ryan back to us. BOOTH: Before your husband... CECILIA: Became a woman? BOOTH: ...disappeared, did he have any reason to fear for his life? CECILIA: A man named Arthur Ford was arrested for assaulting Patrick. BOOTH: Why did he assault your husband? CECILIA: He had a son. The boy donated his entire trust fund to the church. His father thought that we'd brainwashed him or some such nonsense. BRENNAN: Did you give the money back? CECILIA: The boy wasn't brainwashed, Dr. Brennan. The Lord touched him. BOOTH: Exactly how much money did the Lord touch him for? (Cut to SUV - Booth and Brennan are riding, Booth is on his cell phone) BRENNAN: $5 million? BOOTH: (on phone) Great, thank you. (to Brennan) $5 million is a ton of moolah, but Arthur Ford is not a good suspect. BRENNAN: Why? What with the ton of moolah they practically stole from his son? BOOTH: That phone call I just had, Arthur Ford died of pancreatic cancer three years ago. BRENNAN: Oh. BOOTH: Yeah,"Oh." BRENNAN: Do you think she loved her husband? BOOTH: Who? BRENNAN: Mrs. Stephenson. BOOTH: Oh, I don't know. She was plenty angry at him. BRENNAN: For getting a sex-change operation? BOOTH: No, no, no, before that. I mean, she only called him by his given name or referred to him as Ryan's father. Never, you know, "my husband." BRENNAN: I call you "Booth," and I like you just fine. BOOTH: Thank you, but we're not married. One angry father might be dead, but, uh, maybe there are more. BRENNAN: Patrick Stephenson wasn't murdered, Patricia Ludmuller was. BOOTH: You think the moment Patricia Ludmuller came to exist, Patrick Stephenson stopped? BRENNAN: When the butterfly emerges, does the caterpillar cease to exist? BOOTH: Okay, what are you, like some kind of kung fu master? Why don't we just figure out who killed this guy...gal, person, okay? BRENNAN: Would you like me just as much if I were a man? BOOTH: Oh, yeah, much better. I wouldn't have to be so polite and accommodating. How about you? Would you like me better if I was a woman? BRENNAN: No, I would not. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: I'd be jealous that you might be prettier than I am. BOOTH: I would be, too. I'd be hot. Smokin' hot. (Cut to Sweets' office - Brennan, Booth, and Sweets are watching a video of Ryan Stephenson) RYAN: (on video, wearing a white suit) They're not gay, they're not homosexual. They are abominations unto the Lord. They are sodomites. BOOTH: This kid is Patrick Stephenson's son? SWEETS: It would explain why Patrick Stephenson chose to disappear the way he did. RYAN: (on video) Unashamed, they perform deeds that led them into the hands of an angry God. SWEETS: Now this is a fairly well-known moment, even though it was never televised. Watch. RYAN: (on video) It is this ignorance to the light of God that led to their doom. (shaken) I can't do this anymore. I can't. I preach against sins, sins I hate, but other sins such as greed...Greed. This is a palace, and I am a prince. I am not like my father...and I am not like my mother. I just want to do God's work, not perform on television...bilk you for your money. God bless us all. God forgive us all. SWEETS: Ironically, he was just like his father. BRENNAN: You think he switched sexes, too? SWEETS: No, no, they both turned their backs on this kind of commercial worship. They both went out into the world looking for redemption. I assume you're gonna search out Ryan Stephenson? BOOTH: I work at the FBI. That's what we do. It's a big country, and we'll try. SWEETS: Well, concentrate your search in hospitals, halfway houses, uh, rehab centers, jails. BRENNAN: You think things have gone that badly for him? SWEETS: No, no, he's not an inmate or a patient. Ryan Stephenson is literally atoning for the sins of his father. He left the palace for the street. He's following the teachings of Jesus. BOOTH: His mother says he's in California. SWEETS: No, she's wrong. This kid, he's the prodigal son. I'll bet he's within 20 miles of that giant church he fled as a confused adolescent. BOOTH: I'll take that bet. SWEETS: All right, how much? BOOTH: 20 bucks. SWEETS: Deal. BOOTH: Deal. 20 dollars. BRENNAN: Thank you. BOOTH: There you go. BRENNAN: Thank you. If you're making the wager, how come I get the money? SWEETS: You're the bank. BOOTH: You're the bank, lady. (Cut to Medico-Legal Lab, autopsy room - Cam, Hodgins, and Mr. Nigel-Murray are examining Patricia's skeleton on the table and tests on a computer screen) MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: This comminuted fracture on the pelvis is very similar to the blow to the skull. Both blows were inflicted while Patricia Ludmuller was still alive. CAM: She was swimming, she was struck on the head, she drowned. Then how were her fingers damaged and how was she cut in half? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Wow, you ask extremely difficult questions. HODGINS: The particulates found in both the skull wound and the pelvis are fiber-reinforced polymers and hydrocarbon secretion of coniferous trees. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Which is what, exactly? HODGINS: Fiberglass and resin. CAM: Okay, she was struck by a boat, the keel of a boat. Now we're getting somewhere. Anything on the metacarpals? HODGINS: You mean, could I tell what hit her fingers? No. It was either something that didn't leave traces or the water rubbed away all the evidence. CAM: We'll show these images to Dr. Brennan. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Why? HODGINS: She'll see something you missed. (Cut to FBI Building, interrogation room. Ryan Stephenson, wearing black clothing and tattoos, is sitting at a table. Booth and Sweets are standing outside the room, looking through the mirror.) SWEETS: So that's Ryan Stephenson? BOOTH: Yep. Found him in a detox center in Silver Spring. SWEETS: A patient? BOOTH: Nope, counselor. You called it. SWEETS: You owe me 20 bucks. BOOTH: Get it from Bones. RYAN: (Booth is now sitting at the table with Ryan) Are you sure it was my father? BOOTH: Yes, I'm positive. RYAN: They told me Dad died in Thailand. BOOTH: Well, he, uh...well, she seemed to have found peace up there on the island. (shows Ryan a picture of Patricia outside her church) RYAN: Named his church "Inclusion"? BOOTH: Yeah. RYAN: He welcomed drug addicts, prostitutes, homosexuals. BOOTH: According to her congregation, who loved her, your father welcomed everyone. What? You afraid your father's gonna burn in hell? RYAN: No. No, I just wish I had the chance to know the new him...her. I'm a suspect? You thought perhaps I found out my father was a fraud who had a s*x change and that God asked me to kill him? BOOTH: Did God tell you to kill your dad? RYAN: I've changed. Do you believe in redemption? BOOTH: Yes, I do. RYAN: One of God's challenges to us is to see past the surface. (rips off the written-on paper cover of his bible, showing a white one just like Patricia's) To the deeper, essential nature which lies right beneath. BOOTH: You believe our bodies are like dustcovers? RYAN: That's exactly what I think, Agent Booth. Rip them off and see what's underneath. You see, all this time I thought my father was killed or...had abandoned me, and that's just not what happened. He didn't want to shake my faith. He was protecting me from the truth. He...he didn't want me to have to choose between him and God, and I love my father for that. I just hope God can forgive me for making him feel that way. Do you think I could have my father's Bible? (Reaches towards Patricia's bible) BOOTH: I'm afraid it's still evidence. But, hey, we figure out who killed your father, we'll make sure you get that. RYAN: Thank you. BOOTH: You ever consider returning to the ministry, Ryan? (Cut to Medico-Legal lab, forensics platform. Cam, Mr. Nigel-Murray, Brennan, and Hodgins are standing around Patricia's skeleton.) CAM: Okay, so we know Patricia Ludmuller was run over by a boat. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: The boat struck her in two places--the skull and the pelvic bone. HODGINS: We found traces of enamel paint and stain filler, specifically Silver Neptune Mahogany and Lead Red Primer. CAM: It was a foggy day, she was out there swimming alone. This death could have been accidental. HODGINS: Or hit-and-run. BRENNAN: No. It was murder. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Only one percent of deaths are murders. BRENNAN: Hodgins, you found pieces of splintered wood from the keel, both in the skull and the pelvic bone. HODGINS: Yeah, from a wooden-keeled, shallow-hulled speedboat. BRENNAN: The splinters are embedded in the skull from this direction. (indicates on skeleton) SARYOAN: Struck from behind. BRENNAN: And in the pelvic bone from this direction, at a 90-degree angle. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: The boat hit her skull from behind, while she was facedown in the water. The second blow hit her from the side, and she was on her back in the water. CAM: She was struck once, then the boat turned around to make sure she was dead. Then hurt, disoriented, she reached up to clasp the gunwale? HODGINS: Someone smashed her fingers, forcing her to let go. CAM: Then she floated on her back. BRENNAN: The boat left, then turned around and...struck her again.(on phone) Booth? We know exactly how Patricia Ludmuller was murdered. (Cut to hall outside autopsy room. Mr. Nigel-Murray walks up to Cam as she exits room.) MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Excuse me, Dr. Saroyan. CAM: Yes, Vincent. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Is there a way to quit working here without losing Dr. Brennan as my grad supervisor? CAM: I see. You'd like to quit this internship without losing your academic standing. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Yeah. CAM: Can I ask why? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: It's absolutely impossible to kiss your own elbow. CAM: And how is that relevant? MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: It isn't, Dr. Saroyan, but, um...I'm someone who loves knowledge, and all of you are very narrowly focused. It's a good focus, I know, catching murderers, but, um, all in all, I'd rather be like me than like you, so if you can help me out... CAM: I'll take care of it with Dr. Brennan. We'll move on to another intern. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Did you know that over 98% of people will respond with "Thank you" if you say, "You're welcome"? CAM: You're welcome. MR. NIGEL-MURRAY: Thank you. CAM: Vino Delectable. (Cut to SUV, Booth and Brennan are riding) BRENNAN: Based on size, wood grain and shape of the keel, Hodgins and Angela narrowed our search down to two models. BOOTH: It's a Lee Shore Island and a Bow Wave Runabout. Okay? So...How'd she end up split in two? BRENNAN: You mean, how did a man become a woman? BOOTH: No, Bones, her spine was severed. BRENNAN: Oh, the polymer Hodgins found was probably fishing line, so she...sinks, decomposes and the fishing line severs the spinal column. BOOTH: Oh, some fisherman thinks a big one got away. You think it means anything? She lived her life split in two, then in death, split in two again. BRENNAN: No. I don't think it means anything. BOOTH: I didn't think you would. (Cut to Maylor Island marina - law enforcement officers and Hodings are examining all the boats, the congregation is watching the activity, and Booth and Brennan are walking down to the boats) (music) There's a black river...It passes by my window...Ooh, late at night POLICE OFFICER: Hey, Dr. Hodgins, over here. Over here. HODGINS: What have you got? CONGREGATION: (quiet muttering) You think maybe it's him? That's JP's? BOOTH: Why is the church group in a tizzy? CHUCK: That's JP's boat. BOOTH: (walking with Brennan, JP, and JP's wife, Rita, to the boat) Wow, JP, this here is one fine vessel. Isn't it, Bones? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Look at that, huh? Flush mount, single lever control box. Check this out, Bones, huh? He's got a wiring harness under there. Bench seats with marine vinyl seat cushions. This is just classic. (to JP) How long have you had this for? JP: Years. I only started restoring it after I joined the church. The pastor said it'd be a good project for me. BRENNAN: Did you take it out the day Patricia Ludmuller disappeared? JP: No. HODGINS: (examining boat) This is definitely the boat that struck Patricia Ludmuller. JP: What? HODGINS: Twice. BOOTH: Couldn't deal with the rejection, JP? BRENNAN: Our psychological expert says that many men freak out when they find out the woman they've been sleeping with used to be a man. JP: We never slept together. I wanted to. I wanted her. She wanted me. But she refused. I'm still married. HODGINS: That why you ran her down? (examining side of boat) This is where you smashed her hand. JP: No! Will you stop saying these things? BRENNAN: She must have been in a lot of pain when she grabbed the side of the boat. HODGINS: I'm sure we'll find what he used to smash her fingers right here in the boat. (looks at fire extinguisher) My guess is this. BOOTH: (trying to sit in driver's seat) Bones, these seats--they aren't adjustable. How tall do you think JP is? BRENNAN: 190 to 195 centimeters. BOOTH: Just give me a simple height. BRENNAN: Six three or four? BOOTH: How about his wife? BRENNAN: Oh, perhaps 100 and... 5'2". BOOTH: That's all I need. Thanks. JP, you didn't restore this boat for yourself, did you? JP: Pastor Patricia said I should do something for someone else. Someone I love. RITA: Then you should have built it for her. I waited for you to get out of prison, and I waited for you to get sober. And I waited for you to get tired of this stupid church. And all you did was fall in love with another woman. JP: I never slept with her, Rita. RITA: I don't believe that. I'll never believe that. BOOTH: Rita Gratton, I'm placing you under arrest...for the murder of Patricia Ludmuller. (Cut to Inclusion Church - Ryan is standing in front of Congregation, Booth and Brennan are in the audience) RYAN: I think I should begin my first sermon to you as kind of an introduction. My name is Ryan Stephenson. I'm a child of man. I'm a child of woman. But more importantly, I'm a child of God, and as I look around I see others like me. We don't look alike. None of us look alike. On the outside, we are gay and straight, black and white, fat and thin, man and woman, saint and sinner. Should I keep going, or do you guys catch my drift? But inside...inside we are all the same. BRENNAN: That is completely incorrect. BOOTH: Not now, Bones. BRENNAN: Our skeletons are wildly different or I wouldn't have a job. BOOTH: Just listen. RYAN: I am sorry that I didn't get to know my father--Patricia. But I hope I will find him...her...that redeemed human being...both in her old Bible (holds Patricia's bible) and, more importantly, in you, the people who she loved. BOOTH: Redemption through transformation, I get it. What do you believe in Bones? BRENNAN: Always swimming with a buddy. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: You gather your wisdom, I gather mine. BOOTH: Okay.

Plan: A: skeletal remains; Q: What is found in the Chesapeake Bay? A: the case; Q: What are Brennan and Booth on? A: only the upper torso; Q: What part of the victim's body was found? A: the remnants; Q: What is left of the victim's breast implants? A: Maryland; Q: Where did the victim live before moving to the small town? A: a pastor; Q: What was the victim's occupation? A: her existence; Q: What do Brennan and Booth have no record of? A: the small town; Q: Where did the victim move to five years prior? Summary: When skeletal remains are found in the Chesapeake Bay, Brennan and Booth are on the case to investigate. With only the upper torso of the victim intact, the team has little to work from besides the remnants of the victim's breast implants. Brennan and Booth are led to a small church community in Maryland where the victim was a pastor, but they have no record of her existence prior to moving to the small town five years prior.

In media immersion Mr. Simpson: Question thirty. RAM, what does it stand for? Liberty: Random access memory. Mr. Simpson: Hmm, I'm sorry? Liberty: You asked a question. The answer is random access memory. Mr. Simpson: Right. Right, I'm sorry guys. I'm uh more than a little distracted today. I can't believe I'm actually getting married...tomorrow. Okay well uh that's it. Any final questions? Liberty: Yes. When are you going to open this? Mr. Simpson: Guys... All the kids: (Chanting) Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech- Mr. Simpson: Okay. Okay uh, where to start? Love. Exciting and new. (He keeps talking about love.) JT: Do we really have to hear this? Manny: JT shut up! I'm trying to listen. JT: And I'm about to throw up. Sean: Somebody's never been in love. Toby: And you have Sean? Manny: Really? With who exactly? Not Emma by any chance? At Emma's house, Emma wakes up, screams and jumps out of bed Emma: Mom! Mom! Mom! There you are. I thought you left without me. Spike: Em, remember breathe. I had to get something for my head. Emma: You don't have a cold? Spike: No. No, just a headache. Emma: Okay. Okay I'm trying not to panic, just being realistic. We have a lot to do today before tomorrow. Spike: Em let me just go upstairs and take this first. Emma: No. Take it in the car. Go! Go! Spike: Okay! (They leave and drive over to Degrassi.) Emma: Okay I'll just run in and out, okay? Then we'll hit the engravers, the caterers and home before Caitlin arrives to perm my hair and don't forget to take your headache stuff. I'll be back before you know it. (Spike is shown taking a pregnancy test out of the bag.) In the hallway Manny: True love does too exist JT. JT: Yeah right. Manny: Just because your quest for an older woman has been like pointless doesn't mean it's not real. (Emma comes running by.) Toby: Is she real? JT: Hey I thought you were off today Emma! Emma: I am! I have to turn this in to Kwan. (She runs over to Ms. Kwan's class.) Emma: Ms. Kwan one essay, one attendance slip. Ms. Kwan: If only all students were as hard working as you Emma. Manny: So Em remember a certain someone you dated last year? Emma: Sean. Manny: Thinks he's still in love with you. Emma: Sean? In love with me? No. Sean and I dated. We weren't in love. Manny: Not what he says. So you have to invite him to the wedding. Emma: No I don't. Sean and I are over no matter what you heard. What did you hear? Manny: Doesn't matter right? It's over. Emma: Right and I'm late, so butt out. You're still coming over tonight though, right? Manny: Yeah I guess. Emma: Okay bye. Manny: Put on your shoes! In the library Manny: Hey Sean. Sean: Manny. Manny: So tomorrow, big wedding. Sean: Yeah give my best to Ms. Nelson. Manny: Actually you can tell her. Emma came by earlier to get some books and she said this was for you. Sean: Emma wants me at the wedding? Manny: Yeah she made me promise I'd like get this to you. Sean: Cool. Thanks. (Manny dangles the invitation in front of him and pretends to take it away a few times before giving it to him.) Sean: Thanks Manny. In the hallway Toby: JT math class is that way. JT: Yeah I know, but we have a very important pit stop to make. Toby: Okay. JT: I've been thinking, there are some upsides to love. Emma got the day off. Toby: Yeah. JT: Simpson cancelled homework . Toby: True. JT: And strippers. Toby: Because when I think of love, I always think of strippers. JT: Marriage equals stag party equals strippers, which equals tonight! Toby: A stripper tonight?! JT: Just keep it cool. Craig Manning! Craig: JP and uh Tony. What's up? JT: Yeah it's actually JT and Toby. Uh, so we heard that your step-dad is hosting a little get together tonight, huh? Craig: Yeah. A stag. JT: Right. We were just hoping that maybe we could uh drop by and maybe wish Mr. Simpson good luck. Toby: And if there's a stripper there we'd love to give her our best. Craig: No strippers guys. Simpson told Joey not to get one. JT: What? Craig: I... JT: It's, it's like a right of passage. Craig: I... Toby: It's Simpson's last night freedom. He can't not have a stripper! Craig: I know. I know. It's lame. It's unforgivably lame. JT: So Craig you want to do something about it? Outside a strip club Craig: Let me do the talking boys and tonight it's show time. Toby: She's the one Craig. She has got to be the one. Craig: Down boy. JT: Yeah Tobes. Gross, but we can get her right? Bouncer: Boy Scouts are down the road. Craig: Uh we're actually here to enquire about Miss Fanny. JT: Fancy! Craig: Fancy. If she's available tonight. JT: Yes for an outside engagement. Bouncer: Fancy don't do no square dancing. Come back when you're legal. Craig: Wait. No! (He closes the door on them.) Craig: This is gonna take some very delicate negotiating, which is why you two are staying here. (Craig walks over to Joey.) Craig: Hey Joey. Joey: Craig did you get everything I need for tonight? Craig: Almost everything. It's like this. I'm at the store faced with a choice. Joey: Excuse me. Craig: Yeah. Now do I get, listen. Do I get plain boring chips, or hot and spicy nachos and what do you think I got? Joey: I don't know. Ice cream. Craig: I got hot and spicy. Joey: Good. Craig: Like say tonight, plain boring stag event or hot and spicy stag party. All it takes is one fancy stripper. Joey: No. Craig: Come on! It's tradition Joey. Joey: Yeah I know it's a tradition Craig. Craig: Yeah so how about it? Joey: No. It goes against Snake's wishes alright? It's sexist, it's- Craig: Yeah, but- Joey: And it's perfect. You know what? I'm gonna embarrass the heck out of him. Fine, but technically this was your idea. I'm not getting in trouble for it. Angie! Angie: I'm going to grandmas! Joey: Yes you are. Come on baby. At Emma's house Emma: Okay so you're sure it'll just be a body perm, right? (Emma shows her the picture on the box.) Emma: Like this? Spike: Em I do this for a living. Yes. Okay twenty minutes. Are you okay if I go up and have a shower? Emma: Yes. Just go and relax. (Spike is shown holding a pregnancy test and she closes the bathroom door.) Delivery woman: Wedding cake. Emma: Okay. Delivery woman: Just sign here please. Emma: Thank you. (She opens the cake and looks at the inscription.) Emma: Happy Bat Mitzvah Rhoda?! (She rushes upstairs to show Spike.) Emma: Mom. Major emergency! This cake isn't yours, unless you changed your name to Rhoda. Spike: Just send it back. No big deal. Emma: No big deal?! This is your wedding cake. Spike: There's way more important stuff going on Em. Way more important. Emma: Yeah, like what? Spike: The test is positive. Em I'm pregnant. (Emma drops the cake and takes the phone away from her ear.) Outside Emma's house Manny: Hey Em. Em what's wrong? Emma: My mom is pregnant. Manny: Wow. How did it happen? I mean I know how it happened, but did they plan it? Emma: No. At least I don't think so. Manny: Well it's kind of exciting...on some level. How about some good news? Emma: Please anything. Manny: Guess who's coming tomorrow? (Emma shrugs.) Manny: Sean Cameron. Your love. (Emma gives her a shocked look.) Manny: You're not smiling. Emma: Manny I told you no Sean! Manny: But I was trying to help! Emma: By playing matchmaker? Go help and un-invite him. Manny: Okay, but what's that smell? (Emma screams.) Emma: My perm! Mom! My hair! Spike: Your hair! (Spike takes the supplies out and blow-dries Emma's hair.) Emma: My hair. Spike: Honey it'll be okay. I promise. Emma: When? When?! Spike: Well after the wedding. I can't put any more chemicals in your hair right now. It'll fall out. (The doorbell rings.) Spike: I'll get that. Emma: I'm gonna be your maid of honor looking like this. Spike: It'll be okay. (Spike opens the door and greets Caitlin and Lucy.) Outside, Caitlin and Lucy are showing Spike their dresses Caitlin: So what do you think? Good enough for your wedding party. Spike: I love them. I just told you guys wear whatever you want. Lucy: We are. It just so happens we both love the same dress. Caitlin: Yeah we wanted to do it. Come on. Spike: Guys, it's just a wedding. Caitlin: Yeah. Your wedding! Lucy: To Snake, to Archie. (Emma walks outside.) Caitlin: How are you? And what happened? Emma: Somebody left my perm solution in too long. Lucy: Spike you didn't! I thought you're supposed to be a professional. Spike: I am, but... Emma: Getting married is huge. Caitlin: Well that's why we're here to help. Lucy: That's right and to take your mind off things we're throwing a little girls night out later. Caitlin: Because if Snake can go out tonight, so can you! Lucy: That's right! Spike: That's great! You guys are so great! (They all start hugging each other.) Outside Sean's house, Sean is working on a motorbike Tracker: Doing some good work man. Sean: Huh? Tracker: Here use this. (He hands Sean a tool.) Tracker: So I thought maybe we'd uh get out of the city tomorrow. Go up to the space side back roads, up near Acton. (Sean shows Tracker the wedding invitation.) Tracker: Nelson, as in Emma Nelson? Sean: Yeah. Tracker: Looks like you got some better plans. Manny: Sean! (Manny trips and falls down.) Tracker: Are you okay? Sean: Manny, you okay? Manny: Fine. Sean: Something wrong? Manny: Yeah, sort of. Tracker: What? (Sean gives him a look telling him to go inside.) Tracker: Oh my god. You gotta be kidding me. (He goes inside so Manny and Sean can talk.) Manny: You remember that invite I gave you? Sean: Yeah. Right here. (He holds it up) Manny: It's sort of a mistake. Sean I'm really sorry. It's just... Sean: Don't worry about it. Manny: Sorry. Sean: No. No. Don't worry. It's no problem. (Manny leaves with the invitation and Tracker comes back outside.) Tracker: Everything alright? Sean: Yeah I'm fine. Fine. Tracker: 'Cause my offer for tomorrow still stands if you want. Sean: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] At Emma's house Mr. Simpson: We're back. Caitlin: Hey! Mr. Simpson: Hey! How are you doing? Good to see you. Caitlin: I'm good. Congratulations. Mr. Simpson: Thank you. Joey: Hi. Caitlin: Hey. Joey: How are you? Caitlin: Good. Mr. Simpson: Hi. (Him and Spike kiss.) Joey: You look good. Caitlin: Thanks. Joey: Good to see you again. Caitlin: Likewise. Um what is all this stuff? Mr. Simpson: Uh it's mine. You know my lease is up at the end of the week so I'm moving in bit by bit. Caitlin: Don't you have enough to worry about right now? Joey: Snake, worry? Come on. Mr. Simpson: Ah that's funny Jeremiah. Between the wedding and moving in, I'm like a heart attack in motion. (Joey brings in the snake statue.) Caitlin: Oh no. Does it bite? Mr. Simpson: Wedding gift from my class. It's very um... Emma: Very ugly. I know. Sorry. Caitlin: Um so guys what do you got planned for tonight? Doing the typical guy stuff? Scotch, cigars, strippers... Mr. Simpson: I told Joey no strippers, right? Joey: Nope. No, we're going bowling! Spike: Snake. Come here. Talk to me. Mr. Simpson: Yes master. Sounds serious. Spike: No just wedding stuff. Lucy: Hey guys. Joey: Hey Luce! Lucy: Can you believe this wedding? So when are you guys gonna have a little mini-Spike or a mini-Snake to add to mini-Caitlin over there? Mr. Simpson: We've discussed it. We definitely want kids. Spike: Definitely and who knows, it could happen sooner than you think. Mr. Simpson: Well I sure hope not. Caitlin: Just like a man. Never wants to rush into anything. Mr. Simpson: We've got a lot on our plates right now. You know I've got to settle in, get used to being a husband and a step-dad. Spike: Right. Mr. Simpson: Oh I'm not saying never, just not right now. Hey you wanted to talk wedding? Spike: No I figured it out. Thanks. At the stag party Joey: Hey! Guest: Hey! What's up?! Joey: Listen man, cigars are over there, booze is served until 2am. Guest: Alright. Perfect. Joey: Have a good time. Guest: Thank you. Joey: Alright. Snake! What's going on man? Loosen up! It's your stag. Mr. Simpson: I'm trying. I'm trying. Joey: Here you go. I got something planned for later to cheer you up, okay? Craig: I'll get it. Joey: Alright. (Craig opens the door and sees JT and Toby.) Craig: Guys. Toby: What's the problem? Craig: Well I haven't cleared you with Joey. Joey: Look guys whatever you're selling we're not interested in, okay? What are you selling anyways? JT: Actually we're uh, we're here for the show. Craig: Fancy was sort of their idea. Joey: Oh really? Oh well in that case, no! JT: But come on! Joey: No. Get out of here. Both your ages combined would not make you old enough. JT: But how come Craig gets to stay and watch the show? Joey: Craig gets to go upstairs in his bedroom and watch TV, okay? Craig: But Joey! Joey: No. No! Eh no! JT: Look Craig we're in the same boat as you, so you know- (Craig shakes his head angry and shuts the door.) At a Mexican restaurant, Spike, Caitlin and Lucy are sitting at a table Spike: Make them stop or you'll have four dead Mexicans on your hands. (Caitlin laughs and shoes the musicians away.) Lucy: Okay uh, there's a problem here Spike. Caitlin: Is it Em? (She shakes her head no and Lucy hands Spike an alcoholic drink.) Lucy: Here have this. It'll help. Spike: I can't. Lucy: What do you mean you can't? This is your bachelorette party. Spike: I just can't, okay? Lucy: You know that kind of sounds to me like you're pregnant Spike. (Spike doesn't say anything.) Caitlin: Okay. You're pregnant! It's nothing to be ashamed of. Lucy: Yeah I mean totally. Look at least this time you've got someone who loves you. Caitlin: Yeah someone who's gonna be there for you. Spike: A guy who doesn't want kids. You guys heard him. Caitlin: Yeah- Spike: He made where he stands very clear. He doesn't want a kid right now. Lucy: So what are you gonna do? Spike: I don't know. Cancel tomorrow? I mean I love Snake, but Emma and I have gotten this far on our own. Maybe, maybe this wasn't meant to happen. Caitlin: Spike! Spike: I'm serious Caitlin. Lucy: What are you gonna do about the baby? Spike: That wasn't meant to happen either, so maybe it won't. At Emma's house Emma: So Sean, you're sure he wasn't too upset when you told him? Manny: For the millionth time he wasn't upset. Emma: Good. I hope Snake will take his news just as well. Manny: My parents have like 20 siblings so I say the more the merrier. Emma: Actually I'd love to have a little brother or sister. I'm not picky. I just, I want us to feel like a family and a new baby would so do that. (Spike and Caitlin walk in.) Emma: Hey! How was your last night as a single woman? Did you guys get all wild and crazy? Spike: It was fine. Emma: So can I take this off now? Spike: Sure. Caitlin: Here. (They take the towel off and Emma's hair is still ruined.) Emma: How's it look? Spike: I've ruined everything! (She runs upstairs and Emma starts to follow.) Caitlin: Spike. I wouldn't she's pretty upset. Emma: Still? Caitlin: Why don't you stay down here. We'll try and uh iron it out. Emma: I'll just be one minute. (Emma goes into the washroom.) Emma: Okay I know what you found out is beyond weird, but it's not the end of the world. I'm fine with this and Snake will be too. We just have to convince him that. Spike: Convince him? How? Emma: I don't know. However you convinced me about you two. Spike: If I even have this baby. Emma: What? Spike: We don't want any more kids right now. End of story. Emma: End of story for who? You're not thinking of having an abortion. Spike: I might.

Plan: A: Ellie; Q: Who wants more than friendship with Marco? A: Kendra; Q: Who does Toby want to spend every second with? Summary: Ellie wants more than just friendship with Marco, but when he can't seem to bring himself to be with her, she realizes why. Meanwhile, Toby wants to spend every second with Kendra, which makes her feel suffocated.

[ FLASHBACK - The Baby's Bedroom ] ( Some time before the events of [i]The Battle of New Orleans,Hayley sits in a rocking chair in the baby's room, where she is writing a letter. Klaus enters the room and leans in the doorway )[/i] Klaus: Writing a love letter to one of your many suitors? So, who's the lucky recepient, then? [smiles] Jackson? Or, Elijah? [Hayley rolls her eyes at him] Don't tell me it's me? [they both laugh] I thought I was out of the running ages ago! Hayley: [laughs] And the award for "Biggest Ego" goes to...[gestures toward Klaus, who continues to laugh] [groans when the baby starts to kick] Oh! Klaus: [walks toward Hayley] How is our littlest wolf? Hayley: Do you want to...? [rubs her baby bump] ( Klaus steps back, looking nervous, and Hayley gives him a look ) Hayley: Come on! [gestures to her belly] ( Klaus reaches out and touches Hayley's belly, and he's startled when he feels the baby kick ) Hayley: [laughs] You feel that? [they both laugh in amazement] Klaus: [suddenly feels awkward and stands up] Right! I'll leave you to your secret letter, then! ( Klaus rushes off, and Hayley smiles as she thinks about Klaus and the baby. In voiceover, Hayley narrates her letter as the scene cuts to Hayley giving birth with the help of the witches ) Hayley: [voiceover] Dear Zoe...or Kaitlyn...or Angela. To my little girl. Your dad just asked if this was a love letter. I guess it kind of is. I never got to know my mother. I have no idea what she must have thought when she carried me. [Hayley screams at Genevieve and Monique in the present, as she is in labor] Hayley: [to Genevieve] AHHHH! Let go of me, you bitch! Hayley: [voiceover] So, I thought I'd write to you, so you can know how happy I am at this very moment. How much your father and I can't wait to meet you... [In the present, Klaus limps into the hospital and finds the witches with Hayley. Hayley is shocked and relieved to see him. Klaus lunges toward a witch guard and rips his head off. Abigail and Genevieve link hands and telekinetically pin Klaus to the wall] Hayley: [voiceover] And, I want to make you a promise, of three things that you will have that I never did: a safe home, someone to tell you that they love you every single day, and someone to fight for you, no matter what. [In the present, Klaus fights against the spell pinning him to the wall, but he cannot get free. Monique and Abigail anchor the spell and go back to helping Hayley] Klaus & Hayley: AHHH! Hayley: [voiceover] In other words, a family. So, there you go, baby girl. The rest, we're going to have to figure out together. I love you. Your mom. ( Klaus and Hayley watch fearfully as Genevieve grabs the ceremonial athame that was used for the Harvest. Hayley continues to scream in agony and terror ) Genevieve: [to Hayley and Klaus] You should know this brings me no joy. I promise I'll make it quick. ( One of the witches covers Hayley's lower half with a sheet ) Genevieve: Let's begin, shall we? [SCENE_BREAK] [ CREDITS ] [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE ABATTOIR COMPOUND ] ( Davina enters the compound's courtyard and is horrified to see all the dead and dying vampires laying around. Cami and Marcel are tending to Diego and the other vampires who are still alive ) Davina: [horrified] Cami? [she sees that Marcel is beaten and bloody] Oh god, what happened? Marcel: [weak and out of breath] Klaus... Cami: [interrupts] They fought, and he got bit. [she puts a damp cloth on Diego's forehead and goes to tend to the others] Davina: Marcel... Marcel: It's okay! I gave as good as I got. But, we need Klaus' blood to heal. ( Marcel grips Davina's shoulder before walking to where Cami is helping the others near the fountain ) Davina: [thinks for a moment] You fought Klaus - did he bleed? Marcel: I got him pretty good, yeah. Davina: [determined] Where? [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER ] ( Davina walks down the street to where Klaus and Marcel fought. As she looks around, we get flashbacks to the fight. In flashback, Marcel punches Klaus in the face, causing him to spit his blood all over a car and the cement. Davina picks up an empty plastic up from the ground and sets it on the car. As she starts to chant a spell, Josh stumbles out of an alley and finds her ) Davina: [lifts her arms] Venez sanguis. Venez sanguis. Venez sanguis. Venez- Josh: Uh... Davina? What the hell? Davina: [stops chanting and gapes at Josh] Josh, what are you doing here? I told you to rest! Josh: [weakly] I'm fine! Davina: You're gonna start hallucinating soon! Josh: I mean, unless I'm hallucinating you standing in the middle of the street and chanting for no reason...[laughs tiredly] Wait, am I? Davina: [determined] I'm gonna save you. I'm gonna save all of you. ( Davina returns to her spell ) Davina: Venez sanguis. Venez sanguis. Venez sanguis la force de la bête à moi. ( Josh watches in amazement as Davina's spell siphons all of Klaus' blood that splattered onto the ground and the hood of the car into the air, where it falls into the cup ) Josh: Okay...I am hallucinating... [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CHURCH ] [Hayley is still in labor, and the witches, led by Genevieve, assist Hayley in her birth. Hayley screams in agony] Klaus: [shouts] I will bring hell to your family! Genevieve: [to Hayley] One last push! Push! The baby's almost here! Klaus: [shouts] I will bathe in rivers of your blood! Hayley: No! No! Monique: I can see the baby! Genevieve: Push! Gently! Gently! Klaus: [shouts] You will die screaming! [Hayley falls backwards just as the baby is born] Genevieve: There! [Both Klaus and Hayley stop screaming once they see their baby. One of the witches helps cut the umbilical cord, and Genevieve wraps the baby in a blanket] Genevieve: You have a beautiful baby daughter. [Hayley and Klaus stare in shock] Genevieve: We must start the sacrifice as soon as the moon sets with the morning sky - Hayley: - Please. Please, can I hold her? [Genevieve brings the baby over so Hayley can hold her. Hayley is amazed by the sight of her daughter. She looks up at Klaus and manages a small smile before kissing her daughter on the forehead. Suddenly, Monique grabs Hayley by the hair, pulls her head back, and slits her throat with the knife. Hayley gasps] Klaus: NOOOOOO! [Hayley falls backward, and the witches grab the baby before leaving the church] Klaus: AGHHHHHHHH! ( As the witches leave, Monique twists her wrist, which causes Klaus to fall to the floor, weakened. He looks up at Hayley's dead body above him in horror ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CHURCH ] ( Some time later, Elijah bursts into the church ) Elijah: HAYLEY! [He stops dead in his tracks, panting and out of breath as a result of the werewolf bites, and struggles to focus his vision. Eventually, he sees that Klaus is sitting at the sacristy, with Hayley's head resting in his lap. Klaus is near tears. Elijah approaches them] Elijah: No. No, no. No...[he falls to his knees next to Hayley and realizes that she's dead] Klaus: [numb] She's gone. ( Elijah starts to cry, which causes Klaus to start to cry, too ) Klaus: You've been bitten. Here. [He bites into his wrist and offers it to Elijah. Elijah is stunned] [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE ABATTOIR ] ( Davina returns to the compound and presents Marcel with the blood that she has salvaged from the fight. Cami is at Josh's side, and he is fading fast ) Marcel: [gently] There's only enough here for one. Davina: [distraught] No! This has to be enough! ( Marcel pats Josh on the shoulder, but he doesn't notice. Davina starts to cry ) Davina: I can't choose. Please don't make me choose. ( Marcel looks at her with sadness and takes the cup from her ) Marcel: Save your friend. [He walks toward Josh with the cup] I can take care of the rest of us. Cami: [shocked] Marcel? Josh: I can't - Marcel: Judging by the look of that bite, you don't have time to argue. Davina: [crying] Marcel? Marcel: Josh is one of my guys, and enough of my guys have died today. So, come on. ( Marcel helps Josh sit up, and Cami helps feed him the small cup of blood. Behind them, Mikael's spirit is watching this happen ) Mikael: [to Davina] One point for you, and one point for Niklaus. ( Davina glares at him angrily. Marcel forces himself to stand up, and makes his way to the door. Cami chases after him and blocks his way ) Cami: Hey! Where do you think you're going? Marcel: To find Klaus, get his blood, and save as many of my guys as I can. Cami: [stops him] Wait! For that you'll need a weapon - and, it just so happens, I have an arsenal. ( Davina stares at them, as the three begin to form a plan ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CHURCH ] ( Elijah lays Hayley's body back onto the table at the sacristy while Klaus sits nearby ) Elijah: [distraught] How? Klaus: [numb] I was bested. Elijah: [becomes furious] You were bested. Huh. [walks toward Klaus] You were BESTED? [Klaus looks at him in shock] My invincible brother. ( Klaus pulls himself weakly to his feet and looks Elijah in the eyes ) Klaus: They took the baby. But, there's still time. We can save her. [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY ] ( Klaus and Elijah rush around the cemetery, trying to figure out where the witches are keeping the baby ) Elijah: [frantic] The tombs are empty, the grounds are deserted, she's NOT HERE! Klaus: This is the only place they can be! We'll keep searching. Elijah: They are NOT HERE, Niklaus! We're wasting time! Klaus: The Harvest was here! The Reaping was here! They're about to perform a ritual which will feed their ancestors for centuries! Ancestors who are buried HERE! ( Klaus stops talking when he notices an angel statue on top of one of the tombs ) Klaus: [sighs in frustration] This statue, we've passed by this three times, all whilst going in the same direction. ( Klaus and Elijah brainstorm silently as they examine the various tombs near them ) Elijah: They've fabricated some kind of illusion. ( Klaus vamp -speeds to the top of the tomb with the angel statue and tries to get a better view of the cemetery. When he looks out, there seem to be an infinite number of tombs, stretching out to make the cemetery appear to be endless ) Klaus: That's one word for it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ KIERAN'S SECRET APARTMENT ] ( Cami leads Marcel and Davina into Father Kieran's secret apartment's hidden room, which is full of files and various historical artifacts ) Marcel: So, this is what Kieran was hiding. Cami: More like stockpiling. From what I can gather, it's mostly weapons. Davina: [shakes her head in disagreement] Dark objects - created by witches. Marcel: And co -opted by the humans. ( Davina starts looking through the various dark objects, which includes the Needle of Sorrows that Kieran took from Agnes, as well as a small clock, a bangle bracelet, and what looks suspiciously like the Gilbert watch/compass ) Marcel: Kieran's been keeping this a secret for years. You really sure you wanna show me all this? Cami: You said knowing my uncle's secrets could get me killed? But, what if those same secrets could save the lives of my friends? Davina: Look at this! [She picks up what looks like a gold throwing star from the shelf of dark objects] I learned about it in the lycée, it's called The Devil's Star. They say one throw can make a thousand cuts. Marcel: A thousand cuts sounds about right. I need to make Klaus bleed. ( Davina hands Marcel the star, and he takes it before he leaves to find Klaus ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY ] ( Klaus and Elijah are still walking through the maze illusion in the cemetery, using a stone like a piece of chalk in order to mark the tombs that they pass ) Klaus: [sighs] It's ingenius. I can see them, I can feel them, and yet, they are not real. Elijah: [still distraught as he runs his hands through his hair] There has to be a way. Even if we could just push through - Klaus: - What we need to do is focus. Elijah: [snaps] My only focus right now is that child and her safety, do you understand me? [furious] This - all of this - this is the world that you created, Niklaus. Klaus: Brother - Elijah: All of your scheming, the enemies that you have made every single day of your miserable life - what results did you expect? That your child would be born into a happy life? That the mother would be alive to know her daughter? That we could live and thrive as some - as some sort of family? Klaus: That was your fantasy, brother, not mine! Elijah: [enraged] NO, brother! This was our hope. This was our family's hope. [tries to catch his breath] And now she is gone. [softer] Do you understand? I let this person in. I let her in! [tries to hold back tears] I don't let people in! You knew this. You've taken her from me! I needed her, and you've broken me. ( Elijah sits down on the stoop of one of the tombs and puts his head in his hands. Klaus quietly sits down next to him and grips his arm in comfort ) Klaus: You can tell your niece how much you cared for her mother when we save her. ( Elijah looks at him, his chin quivering, as Klaus nods encouragingly ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CHURCH ] [Hayley's body is still laying on the table at the sacristy, where Elijah left her. Her neck looks as though it has healed. Suddenly, she awakens with a gasp and grabs her throat. As she sits up, she's overwhelmed with flashbacks of being in labor, the baby being born, Klaus being pinned to the wall, and Monique slitting her throat. She realizes the baby is still alive, but has been taken by the witches, and calms herself before leaving to find her] [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY - Tomb ] [In some hidden tomb full of lit candles, Genevieve, dressed in a white dress, sets the swaddled baby in a basket. Behind her, Monique and Abigail, also in white dresses, watch her] Genevieve: [looks through the skylight to check on the sky] The moon has almost faded from the morning sky. [she grabs the ceremonial athame] I need to prepare. ( Abigail and Monique wait until Genevieve leaves before they begin to talk privately ) Abigail: She'll go through with it. The ancestors promised her her life. Monique: What about their promise to us? Four Harvest girls sacrificed, four girls returned. But, her friends hijack it, and our friends have to stay dead? Cassie was our friend. I hope she doesn't go through with it. Then, you and I can do what the ancestors want, and they'll give us Cassie! And, drag Genevieve back to where she came from. ( Abigail nods in agreement. Monique grabs the baby in the basket, and she and Abigail go to join Genevieve ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY - Altar ] [Genevieve walks down between rows of tombs, to the front steps of a large tomb, which serves as their altar. Lit torches line the aisle. She lays the athame onto the altar. Abigail and Monique follow her as they carry the baby in the basket. They each take their places - Genevieve is at the altar, facing the aisle, while Monique and Abigail stand on her left and ride side, respectively. On the altar is a circle made of salt, with designs made within it's lines] Genevieve: It's time. [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE ABATTOIR ] ( While everyone is gone, Davina and Mikael's spirit are in Klaus' study, where Davina is looking at Esther's grimoire for the spell she needs. A similar salt circle to the one set up at the cemetery is set up on the floor ) Davina: It says I need to channel power from a nexus vorti? Mikael: [laughs] Ah, yes. My wife, Esther, always did love to dress things up a bit. It's fancy witch -speak. A nexus vorti - a rare occurrence. Something so infrequent, it's almost a miracle. Like, an astrological event. Or... Davina: ...A miracle baby. Mikael: Voilà. [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY - Altar ] [Genevieve lifts the baby into the air, while Abigail and Monique hold up their hands toward the baby and begin their spell] Genevieve, Abigail & Monique (in unison): Nouvel vie, nouvel ame, me lange avec nous. [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE ABATTOIR ] ( Davina is about to start her spell. She starts collecting all of the dark objects she grabbed from Kieran's hidden room ) Mikael: So, are you certain that you have the power to bring me back? Davina: I do now. ( She takes the dark objects and starts to set them in various places around the circle. Included in the objects are a bracelet, a pocket watch, what looks like a key, a compass, and a pocketwatch. Mikael watches her with interest. She holds her hands out and begins the spell ) Davina: [chants] De la cendre à l'os, de la chair à la vie. De la cendre à l'os, de la chair à la vie. ( Mikael hunches over and starts to shout in pain as Davina continues the spell ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY - Tombs ] ( Klaus and Elijah are breaking their way through the illusion by destroying the tombs. When they reach a room full of candles, they stop and catch their breath ) Elijah: [sighs] We've passed through here twice already. We're running out of time. [He punches through a wall in anger and frustration] Klaus: Then we move faster. [He marks the wall with a third tally mark] Hayley: [calls out from behind them] Or smarter. ( Elijah and Klaus freeze when they heard her voice, and turn to see the source of the sound. Hayley stands in the doorway, dazed and exhausted -looking ) Elijah: Hayley. ( Elijah and Klaus are shocked to see her. Elijah rushes over to touch her face to make sure she isn't an illusion ) Elijah: How are you here? Hayley: [numb and dazed] I woke up in the church. I felt this hunger... I knew what I needed. I can feel her. She's here. I can feel my baby. ( Elijah looks confused, but Klaus realizes what has happened ) Klaus: You died with the baby's blood still in your system. [He turns to Elijah] She's in transition. Elijah: [horrified] Which means she has to drink the blood of the child if she is to survive. Klaus: [horrified] To be reborn a hybrid. Hayley: I don't care about me. I'm gonna go find our daughter. [Hayley leaves, and Elijah and Klaus rush after her] [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE ABATTOIR ] ( Davina continues to cast her spell, as Mikael paces around the study and groans in pain ) Davina: De la cendre à l'os, de la chair à la vie. From ash to bone, from bone to flesh, from flesh to life. ( Once Davina's spell is complete, she passes out onto the floor. Mikael, also, falls to the floor in pain ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY - Altar ] [Hayley leads Elijah and Klaus through the maze of tombs in the cemetery's illusion toward her and Klaus' daughter. Meanwhile, Genevieve, Monique, and Abigail continue their spell around the baby] Genevieve, Abigail & Monique (in unison): Nouvel vie, nouvel ame, me longe avec nous. [Genevieve holds the athame above the baby, preparing to complete the sacrifice] [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE ABATTOIR ] ( Mikael pulls himself up from the floor in the study and gasps as he's brought back to life ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY - Altar ] [Hayley, Elijah, and Klaus are still searching through the cemetery for the baby. Genevieve is about to sacrifice the baby] Genevieve, Abigail & Monique (in unison): Nouvel vie, nouvel ame, me longe avec nous. [Hayley, Elijah and Klaus turns a corner and see Genevieve holding a knife above the baby's head] Hayley: NOOO! ( Elijah picks up an urn and lobs it at the witches, which slams against Genevieve's hand and knocks the athame onto the ground. The three run toward them, so Monique and Abigail hold each other's hands and channel the ancestors' power to throw them backwards while Genevieve goes to find the athame ) Abigail: La mère, le père, le frère, la sœur... La mère, le père, le frère, la sœur... Monique: You fools! To come against us in our place of power, in our strongest hour. You don't face three, you face us all. ( As they continue to use magic against them, Elijah and Klaus can see that hundreds and hundreds of the dead witches have come together to protect them as they complete their sacrifice ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE ABATTOIR ] ( Diego is still at the compound, laying in the courtyard, still dying from his werewolf bite. Mikael approaches him ) Diego: Who the hell are you? ( Mikael grabs Diego by the hair and vamps -out before feeding on Diego to death. When he's done, he growls and grunts animalistically, scaring the other dying vampires ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY - Altar ] [Hayley, Klaus, and Elijah are still fighting against the witches' magic. Klaus and Hayley each run in opposite directions, while Elijah continues to rush straight towards them, in hopes of overpowering them] [Hayley finds Genevieve picking up the athame, and starts to fist -fight her to keep her from using it against the baby. She once again knocks the knife out of her hand and into the ground] ( Klaus gets cornered by the spirits of Papa Tunde's twin sons, who telekinetically throw Klaus into a tomb, shattering it ) [Hayley knocks Genevieve down and runs toward the baby, but Genevieve casts a pain infliction spell on Hayley, which makes her fall onto her knees. Meanwhile, Monique and Abigail are still using their powers combined powers to channel the full strength of the ancestors] ( Elijah fights to get close enough to them to get the baby. Klaus pulls himself out of the tomb and angrily rushes toward the action ) Abigail & Monique (in unison): La mère, le père, le frère, la sœur... La mère, le père, le frère, la sœur... ( Klaus sees a wrought iron fence, and breaks off one of the spikes. He throws it forcefully toward Abigail, which impales her through the stomach and kills her, breaking the connection that she and Monique had to the ancestors ) ( Monique quickly runs to grab the athame to finish the sacrifice herself. Klaus and Elijah vamp -speed toward her, but she uses her magic to block them using a wall of fire ) Hayley: Noooo! [Genevieve continues the pain infliction spell to prevent her interference] ( Just as Monique is about to sacrifice the baby, she's hit with the Devil's Star, which embeds itsef in her stomach. Her body becomes covered in cuts, and she coughs up blood before falling to the ground. Klaus and Elijah turn around to see that Marcel was the one who saved the baby. Before they can say anything, Marcel vamp -speeds to the baby, and then vamp -speeds away with it. Klaus follows after him ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE ABATTOIR ] ( Klaus enters the compound to find all of the bitten vampires dead and strewn across the courtyard. Marcel is holding the baby in his arms as he sits by the fountain, waiting for him ) Marcel: I was too late. There should have been more time. Klaus: [looks around the room at the carnage] Looks like the wolves came back and finished what they started. ( The baby stirs and coos, and Marcel stares at it ) Klaus: You took my daughter so I would heal you and your friends. ( Marcel looks at him weakly, but Klaus just laughs and shrugs ) Klaus: Here. Marcel: [pulls away] This bite, all this...[he looks over at Diego's dead body] I know it didn't come from nowhere. This is the last note in a song that I started a century ago when I brought your dad to town. And for that, I am sorry. Klaus: [kneels down in front of him] No. You saved my child's life, Marcel. For that, you deserve this. [He holds out his wrist, and Marcel bites into it and drinks his blood] We will take down whoever brought this upon us, I swear it. ( Marcel looks up at Klaus in shock, finally healing. Klaus looks at his daughter in awe and relief ) Klaus: May I? ( Marcel hands him the baby, and he takes her ) Klaus: Shhhh. Oh! Hey! Hey there. ( The baby looks over at Marcel, and he smiles from joy. They laugh. Behind them, hiding in the shadows, Mikael is watching them and holding the indestructible white oak stake ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE ABATTOIR ] [Klaus is holding the swaddled baby as he stands in the baby's nursery. He lays her down in her crib and watches her with interest. Mikael climbs up the stairs with the stake. Mikael is about to walk in the nursery when he freezes, blocked by an invisible barrier. Behind him, Davina appears. When Klaus walks out of the nursery and into the hallway to investigate, Mikael and Davina are gone. [SCENE_BREAK] [ ST. ANNE'S CHURCH ] ( Davina has dragged Mikael back to the church's attic. When he makes it to the threshold, he can't break through ) Mikael: Agh, STOP! Davina: No. Mikael: [limps into the room] Agh! Why is this happening? You brought me back to kill my son! Davina: I brought you back to punish him. And you will! When I'm ready. And not a minute before. Mikael: What have you done? [He lunges at her, but she stops him easily with magic] Davina: I added a little something extra in the spell that brought you back! [She holds up her wrist, on which she is wearing the dark magic bracelet she took from Cami's arsenal] I spent eight months of my life up here, being used as a secret weapon. [smiles] Now, you can see how it feels. ( She uses her magic to bring him to her, and then forces him on his knees ) Davina: Kneel. ( Davina smirks and telekinetically slams the attic door shut ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY - Tomb ] ( Elijah and Hayley are shackling Genevieve in one of the tombs to get information from her ) Hayley: [furious] Why? Genevieve: The ancestors left me no choice - Hayley: You were willing to sacrifice an innocent baby for more power? Genevieve: No, not just power! It was the ancestors' decree. It was her decree. Elijah: [grabs Genevieve roughly by the face and forces her to look at him] It was whose decree? Genevieve: I'm surprised you have to ask. [laughs weakly] After all, you were the one who convinced your siblings to consecrate her on New Orleans soil. ( Elijah lets go of her, disgusted, as he realizes who she's talking about ) Hayley: [stunned] Esther. Elijah: So, not even death can stop my mother from seeking the annihilation of her own flesh and blood. Genevieve: [anxious] This isn't the end. As long as that child lives, the witches of New Orleans will never stop coming for it. [starts to cry] Esther will never stop coming for it. It has been decreed - your baby will be consecrated among her ancestors. She will not live. [Hayley and Elijah just glare at her. Genevieve begins to bleed from her eyes] Genevieve: They're coming for me, I can feel it. I failed them. Understand - I just wanted to live. Tell Klaus... I'm sorry. [Genevieve starts to choke up blood. Hayley watches her for a moment before sighing and stabbing her in the stomach with the athame and cutting her abdoment open] Hayley: [furious] I'm not. [Hayley walks out of the tomb, as Elijah follows behind her. Genevieve dies, still restrained by her wrists against the wall] [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE ABATTOIR ] ( Klaus and Elijah sit in Hayley's room, while Hayley sits with the baby in the rocking chair in the nursery, located right off of her bedroom ) Klaus: We should have felt our mother's hand in this. We should have known she would not be bound by anything as obvious as death. And now, she has control of the witches. They will never stop. Elijah: No. Klaus: Nor would I expect the Guerrera wolves to back down. Hayley and the child are wolf royalty, and as such, they are a threat to Francesca's claim to the leadership. [Hayley listens to them talk from the other room] They will never be safe. [he pauses for a beat] What was it you said to me earlier? That I have made enemies every day of my miserable life? Well, the worst of them are within these borders, brother. [Elijah sighs in frustration] I have brought into the world a weapon they can use against me. Elijah: Then we will arm ourselves! Brother, we have fought every adversary in this town, and we have won. And we'll fight them again, no matter who they are! We will make this home a fortress. Klaus: [lowers his voice] I will not have her live her life as a prisoner. Elijah: Then we leave here, together. All of us. Klaus: Wherever we go, however far we run, those who seek power and revenge will hunt us! They will hunt her. She has inherited all of our enemies with none of our defenses. Elijah: So, whether we stay, or we leave - we condemn her. Hayley: [stands in the doorway, holding the baby] There's a third option. I grew up in a warzone. My parents thought they could protect me. But, in the end, they were slaughtered, and I spent my childhood alone and unloved. [She looks down at her daughter and smiles at her, while trying to hold back tears] I made a promise, to my baby, and to myself, that she would not grow up like I did. That she would grow up safe, and loved. And yet, here she is, on her first day in this world, with a grandmother who is bent on sacrificing her, [starts to stutter as she cries] and a -a mother, who has to drink the blood of her own baby to survive transitioning into a hybrid. And I'm the one who loves her the most. ( Klaus and Elijah just look at her, saddened ) Hayley: I think the only thing to do is... send her away, while we stay behind and clean up the mess that we've made. Elijah: No! This is insane. You heard Genevieve - so long as she lives, that baby will be hunted. Klaus: [stands up and joins Hayley and the baby] Not if no one knows she lives. Elijah: [confused] What is it you intend to do, brother? Klaus: Whatever it takes to save our family. [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER ] ( On the main street, Francesca is holding a press conference to cover up the events of the previous day or so. The street is packed with reporters and townspeople, as well as Oliver. Francesca notices Marcel walking among the crowd, and sends a signal to Oliver to follow him while she continues to speak ) Francesca: Today begins a new day in the Quarter. My family, long time residents of this great community, pledges to help every citizen recover from the terrible outbreak of gang violence that erupted on the streets of our city last night. ( Oliver follows Marcel into the Jardin Gris voodoo shop as Francesca finishes her announcement ) Francesca: We will rebuild. We will remember those who perished [gestures to a memorial wall] as we seek to disinfect our town of its worst elements. We will work together to ensure that the heart of the Crescent City thrives again! [SCENE_BREAK] [ JARDIN GRIS VOODOO SHOP ] ( Oliver opens the door to the shop, where Marcel is waiting for him ) Oliver: [closes the door behind him] Last man standing, huh? Marcel: [shrugs] I'm interested in making a deal. Oliver: Don't look like you got much to offer. Marcel: I'm hearing word the Guerrera's want the Quarter to be a No -Vampire Zone. I can make that happen - in exchange for you leaving us alone across the river. Or, I can unleash hell on your new wolfpack. Oliver: [laughs] And how can you do that? Marcel: Easy! I made my peace with Klaus. He cured me. So now, it's you versus us. Oliver: Klaus is a warmonger. You think he's gonna choose to side with a pack of scrawny vamps, or an army of the new wolf breed that he created? Marcel: I'm thinking he's gonna side with us...[Oliver scoffs] Especially when he finds out that your pack killed his kid. Oliver: [grows serious] What? Marcel: [turns and gestures to a box on the counter] Open the box, and let me know what you think Klaus will believe about who's responsible for what you find inside of it. [Before he leaves, he stops at the doorway] Cremation may be the best way to go, before Klaus smells it on you. [He leaves Oliver alone in the shop, where he nervously approaches the box. When he looks inside, he winces, and his face goes pale] [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE FRENCH QUARTER ] ( Cami approaches the memorial wall on Rue Dumaine, where a crowd of people have gathered to pay their respects to all of the citizens who died in the (covered up) Battle of New Orleans. People cry around her as Cami scans the photos and notes stuck to the wall. She sees a framed sign that reads "In Memorium: Baby Mikaelson" on the wall, and gasps ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE ABATTOIR ] ( Klaus is standing on the balcony over the courtyard, mournfully staring down below, when Cami rushes into the compound ) Cami: Klaus? The baby? Klaus: She died. A few hours after the Guerrera attack. Cami: [gasps and covers her mouth before starting to cry] This is -This is all my fault! Klaus: I can assure you it is not. Cami: No! If I hadn't hesitated, I could have uncovered Francesca's plot in time to stop it! Klaus: And how would you have stopped the coven of witches in league with her? [tears up] No. If anyone is to blame, I am. Cami: I am so, so sorry. Klaus: [turns to face her] Camille. I appreciate you being here, but we cannot be friends. Cami: [confused] What? Klaus: You had me pegged from the start. A man, damaged by his demons. And those demons are not dormant - they're hell -bent on killing me, and everything I find beautiful. [walks closer to Cami] And you, [sighs] you are beautiful. [beat] Please. Please, just go. Cami: Klaus - Klaus: [in tears] Go. ( Cami leaves. Klaus sadly watches her go ) ( On the other side of the courtyard, Elijah watches Cami leave from the balcony, where Klaus joins him ) Elijah: Did Marcel play his part? Klaus: He managed to locate a stillborn baby in a hospital in upstate Louisiana. Elijah: I trust he agreed to the terms. Klaus: He has agreed to allow me to compel him to forget what he knows of my child. In exchange, he wants vials of my blood. Elijah: The witches will have to believe this. Soon, that fourth Harvest girl will resurrect. The coven will rebuild. If they sense that your child lives, they will hunt her. Klaus: The witches will buy what we sell. We just have to sell it properly. ( The two stand in silence for a long moment ) Elijah: Well, then, all that remains is to say goodbye. [SCENE_BREAK] [ CLOSING MONTAGE ] ( Elijah and Klaus continue their conversation over a montage of clips to wrap everything up ) [In the nursery, Hayley packs up the baby's bag with the letter she wrote to her. Elijah helps her lift the baby out of her cradle and into her arms. Hayley looks away as Elijah gently sticks the baby's finger with a pin to release a large drop of blood. Reluctantly, Hayley kisses the blood off of her finger to complete her transition] ( A crowd of people gather for a candlelight vigil for the deceased community members. Elijah and Hayley arrive to set a bouquet of flowers by Baby Mikaelson's spot on the memorial wall ) KLAUS: [in voiceover] They will be watching us. All of them. The three of us leaving together will draw too much attention. I will go alone. Take your mourning public when I am gone. ELIJAH: [voiceover] I don't imagine that will be too difficult. Grief, after all, is grief. [Francesca watches as Hayley approaches the memorial. She breaks down in tears and blows a kiss to the plaque that announces the baby's "death." Elijah holds out a hand, who takes it] ( On a country road, Klaus sits on the hood of his SUV, holding his swaddled daughter, as he waits for the person who is taking in the baby for them ) ELIJAH: [voiceover] In what world will she be safe without her father? Who can protect her better than we? KLAUS: [voice -over] There is one person. ( A car pulls up to Klaus, and Rebekah gets out. When she sees her brother and her newborn niece, she smiles. Klaus smiles back ) Klaus: Hello, sister. ( Rebekah gently touches the baby, and stares in wonder ) Rebekah: Oh, she looks like her mother. [smiles] Maybe there is a God after all. Klaus: [laughs] Well, she has a hint of the devil in her eyes. That's all me. [beat] I need a witch you can trust to cast a cloaking spell. Rebekah: I'll get one. Klaus: No one can ever find her. Rebekah: I know what to do, Nik. [They both look at the baby] Perhaps we'll get a white fence. I think that would be lovely. ( Klaus holds up the baby to get a last look at her before she leaves with Rebekah ) Klaus: [whispers to the baby] This city would have seen you dead. But, I will have it your home. And every soul who wishes you harm will be struck down, just as sure as my blood runs in your veins. [Rebekah looks horrified] You will return to me. ( Klaus kisses his daughter on the forehead and the cheek before handing her to his sister. Then, he gives Rebekah and the baby the tiny wooden knight that he carved for Rebekah a 1,000 years ago, which causes Rebekah to grab his hand and start to cry ) Klaus: In spite of our differences, Rebekah, there is no one I would trust more with my daughter's life. ( Klaus hugs Rebekah and kisses her on the cheek ) Klaus: Be happy, sister. Rebekah: [smiles] She will be happy, Nik. I promise. [They smile at each other] What's her name? Klaus: [pauses for a moment] Hope. Her name is Hope. [He starts to cry] ( Rebekah leaves to put the baby in her car, as Klaus watches ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LAFAYETTE CEMETERY ] ( Cassie, the fourth and last Harvest girl, awakens and rises from her tomb in the cemetery. She walks out into a clearing and looks around. She walks to a gravesite, where she lays a rose on a headstone. She's soon joined by a fellow witch named Vincent, who appears to have risen from the cemetery as well ) Vincent: May you rest in peace. Cassie: What's the fun in that? [She looks at Vincent] Come along. We have much to do. Vincent: Yes, mother. ( Cassie turns to leave, and Vincent follows her. The camera pans to the gravestone, which reads "Esther: Our Beloved Mother," suggesting that Esther and Finn are inhabiting Cassie and Vincent's bodies )

Plan: A: Hayley; Q: Who gives birth? A: the baby; Q: Who do the witches take with them when they leave? A: life; Q: What does Davina bring Mikael back to? A: a secret weapon; Q: What is Mikael being used as? A: her daughter's blood; Q: What was in Hayley's system when she died? A: a hybrid; Q: What is Hayley transitioning into? A: Rebekah; Q: Who does Klaus send Hope away with? A: Cassie; Q: Who puts a rose on Esther's grave? A: a boy; Q: Who calls Cassie "mother"? Summary: Hayley gives birth, after which the witches kill her and leave with the baby. Davina has brought Mikael back to life and is controlling him to use him as a secret weapon against Klaus. Hayley, who-having died with her daughter's blood in her system-is now in transition to becoming a hybrid, joins Elijah, Klaus, and ultimately Marcel to go after Hope. Klaus later comes up with a plan to keep his daughter safe, which includes sending Hope away with Rebekah. Cassie, the fourth harvest girl, puts a rose on Esther's grave, accompanied by a boy who calls her "mother".

Our nation is built upon a history of battles, fought over honor, family and power. These bloody and iconic chapters, define what it truly means to be an American. These are Blood Feuds. On the dangerous frontier of Arizona, a brutal range war breaks out that's said to be the deadliest family feud in U.S. history, the Pleasant Valley war. Hutton: This was a vendetta between families. It really was a blood feud. Narrator: It's a battle to the death as two ranching clans clash for control over the land and their right to manifest destiny. The Tewksbury brothers are frontiersmen who will stop at nothing to defend their territory. Ed would stand his ground, and he would not back down. Narrator: The Graham brothers are grifters, prepared to kill any man who stands in their way. Hutton: The Graham boys, they're armed to the teeth and are determined to get revenge. Who did this to you? Who shot you, Billy? Narrator: Acts of betrayal, unspeakable violence... Those murdering dogs! ... and ignite a feud so vicious the pages of American Frontier history will be bathed in blood. There's no story in all of Western history as violent. There were beheadings. Lynchings. This indiscriminate slaughter just seemed medieval. There's no turning back now. Meet you in hell, Ed. [Woman screams] I'm Ed Tewksbury. My family and I pioneered Pleasant Valley. I live by an honorable code. Tom Graham, he has no code. I'm gonna get you. You should be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life. I'm Tom Graham. My brother and I, we settled in the valley. It was Ed Tewksbury who brought us here. And let me tell you this... He is not a man of honor. If you don't want to die right now, go home, Tom. It's a blood feud. It's about vengeance. Narrator: The feud between Ed Tewksbury and Tom Graham takes root in the late 1870s on the unforgiving Arizona frontier. The Homestead Act lures men to the vast, unclaimed territory. But only the hardiest of souls can make it here. Arizona is such a violent place at the time. The Apache Wars are in full swing, and they are repeated outbreaks. Any settler that settled that area was taking their life in their own hands. They were essentially settling a killing field. Narrator: But in the midst of this toxic brew of desert and danger is a seeming oasis, a place that comes to be known as Pleasant Valley. Pleasant Valley is in north central Arizona. It's right below the Mogollon Rim. Trimble: They call it the rim of Arizona. It was a dividing line, and it dropped off 1,000 feet down to this nice, little valley. There's trees to build cabins. There's grass to support livestock. This is a place where you could run cattle on free grass and make a good living. So here's a cattleman's dream. Narrator: And one pioneer willing to risk it all is a fiercely private man named Ed Tewksbury. Edward Tewksbury was a very strong character. Spangenberger: You didn't want to get on the wrong side of 'im. He had quite a temper. He felt, if he was right, he was right, and by God, nothing's gonna change that. Narrator: Originally from California, Ed's life has been defined by his mixed race. His father... European, his mother... a Hupa Indian. Hutton: At the time, in the west, they had a word for that. And it was not a positive word. A half-breed, as they called it then. Narrator: Following his mother's death, Ed moves to Arizona in 1877 along with his father, three brothers and a huge chip on his shoulder. Gimme that barbed wire over here. They had endured some racial stuff in California, you know, "half-breeds." And you come out here, and you just say, "I'm not gonna take that anymore." Hutton: They were tired of being harassed. Pleasant Valley was one of the last places where people on the run from another kind of life who were bold enough could take hold and actually make it. Narrator: For Ed, it's his best shot to build a life free from prejudice, a life where his family relies on no one but each other. Pleasant Valley offered an opportunity, dangerous as it was, for them to be left alone. Narrator: Ed and his brothers build a simple home for the family and a ranch for their small herd of cattle. Trimble: It was hardscrabble. They just had enough cows to maybe support their families, and that was about it. Narrator: It's a humble beginning. But Ed has faith that, with hard work, the Tewksburys can live undisturbed in Pleasant Valley. But their days of solitude won't last long. Soon after the Tewksburys settle into Pleasant Valley, another industrious young man comes to Arizona looking for opportunity. His name is Tom Graham. Tom Graham was a very ambitious man. Obregón Pagán: Tom was young. He still had a little bit of baby fat and innocence about him. But he had a real look of determination in his eye. Herring: He came to Arizona after a long period of restless wandering, sometimes on both sides of the law. Narrator: Wild, wily and always looking for an angle, Tom is looking to get into the cattle business with his like-minded brothers. They were in the great American tradition of looking for the next big thing. Narrator: And it's cattle that's on Tom's mind the day he saddles up to a bar in a remote town outside of Pleasant Valley and meets Ed Tewksbury. It's a meeting that would change their lives and the course of history. Tom: Me and my brother just moved out east from California. Come into town every now and then to play a little poker. Oh, yeah? Ed Tewksbury isn't much of a talker. But something about the young man appeals to the cattleman. They struck up a conversation, and it turned out that they actually had a lot in common. They were both of pioneer stock. Obregón Pagán: They both lost their mother at a young age. They both lived in California for a while. And they're both fledgling ranchmen. You ever get lucky? A matter of fact, we won 60 head of cattle out in Phoenix last week from a couple of fellows who were there to sell their herd. That right? We're looking to set up and graze that herd, maybe get into ranching. Obregón Pagán: And so Ed said, "you know, you ought to think about this place we're living. You know, come on up, take a look and see if you can make a life for yourself." Ed Tewksbury. Tom Graham. Tewksbury tells Graham about Pleasant Valley, tells him about the opportunity there. Narrator: Tom arrives with his older brother, John, a man with a wild streak and a nose for trouble. John was a little bit more fiery. And I get the feeling that John sort of led Tom around a lot. Herring: But they were a strong brotherhood, the two of them. Narrator: John sees the area's potential and agrees with his brother that this is where they should ranch. John Graham was a very ambitious man. When he had an opportunity, he took it. Narrator: Soon, the grahams set up a homestead within sight of the Tewksburys' ranch, and the two families become fast friends. Graham and Tewksbury are kindred souls. Narrator: Ranching is going well. The Grahams have a herd of 60 cattle, while the Tewksburys own around 40. Their families are growing. Thank you, darling. Ed Tewksbury's brother John is now married, and the neighbors have high hopes for the future. Long-lasting... Fruitful and long, huh? Woman: Cheers. Narrator: But a new, powerful player in Pleasant Valley is threatening to disrupt the peace, a cattleman who will turn these fast friends into bitter enemies. The trouble really began when Stinson brought a herd of cattle over. Obregón Pagán: James Stinson is a very large cattle owner, and he moves part of his herd down into Pleasant Valley. Narrator: Stinson is a wealthy judge who resides in Phoenix. Trimble: Stinson wanted to have a cattle empire. He went in and tried to buy people out. And he really offended both the Grahams and the Tewksburys, uh, with his high-handed ways. Narrator: After moving some 1,200 head of cattle into Pleasant Valley, Stinson's herd far outnumbers those of the brothers, who have less than 100 head combined. Suddenly, the vast valley looks a lot smaller. Grass is free, but it's not really free. People control grass. And Stinson had a sense of, "I own all of this range." Narrator: Concern quickly brews amongst the Tewksbury and the Graham brothers. So I hear Stinson was in town, meeting with his foreman, checking on his cattle. Stinson is an incredible threat. Narrator: So the two families hatch a scheme to increase the size of their herds and teach this interloper a lesson. Heard his cattle is gonna be calving soon. We ready? Just about. They plan to round up Stinson's calves that stray from his herds and claim them as their own. It's a form of cattle rustling known as mavericking. Mavericking is the art of taking those unbranded calves and putting your brand on 'em. This is when Tom Graham and Ed Tewksbury, uh, got a joint partnership in a herd. Here's what I've been working on. What do you think? I think it's not half bad. Brown: Tom Graham and Edward Tewksbury, their brand was the "T" over "E," Tom and Ed. Narrator: The new T-E brand, once burned into the Stinson calves, will make them property of the Tewksburys and the Grahams in the eyes of the law. And so they actually were cattle rustlers together. Narrator: But the Tewksburys and the Grahams underestimate Stinson. He's not the type of man who takes kindly to losing cattle. Obregón Pagán: His cattle start disappearing. And Stinson knows something is up. And he believes that some of the locals in Pleasant Valley are taking his cattle. Narrator: Stinson's ranch foreman investigates and soon puts two and two together. While his calves go missing, the T-E herd is thriving. He eagerly reports to his boss what this means. The Tewksburys and Grahams preyed on the Stinson herds in order to build their own. Narrator: Although Stinson recognizes the Grahams are equal partners in the mavericking, he reportedly singles out the half-Indian Tewksburys as the culprits. In the sight of many Arizonans, they're tainted by Indian blood. Narrator: Stinson sends the foreman and his men to teach the Tewksburys a lesson. Herring: The Stinson foreman was determined to stop the Tewksburys. And he rode up to the Arizonans ranch with some men. Narrator: The plan is to use this show of force to threaten Ed and John and stop the rustling. Suddenly, these men come riding in unannounced, and they're armed. Narrator: When Stinson's men arrive, they discover the Tewksburys aren't alone. The Grahams are with them. Now, right away, the Tewksburys and the Grahams are defensive. And it went to violence very, very quickly. Narrator: This is just the first chapter in what comes to be known as the Pleasant Valley war, one of the bloodiest feuds in U.S. history. [Screams] Narrator: In 1883, in the Arizona territory, the first shots of the Pleasant Valley war are about to ring out, triggering one of the deadliest feuds in American Frontier history. The Tewksbury and the Graham brothers have been stealing calves from the largest cattle tycoon in the area, Judge Stinson. Stinson has dispatched a posse of armed men to teach them a lesson. It went to violence very, very quickly. Trimble: As the story goes, the Tewksburys asking, "what do you want?" And he said something to the effect of, "you, you S.O.B." Somebody called somebody a black son of a bitch. Hands go for guns. And the foreman pulled his pistol and fired a shot and missed. And Ed returns fire. Boom, boom, boom. Graham is instrumental in jumping in and helping Ed. Stinson's men, they're trying to draw their weapons, but their horses are jumping around. They get off a few shots, but the shots go wild. Narrator: Stinson's men are outmatched. Obregón Pagán: Then, they go charging off. They run from the situation. It's all over very, very quickly. Hutton: So the first shots in the Pleasant Valley war actually have the Grahams and Tewksburys as allies. Narrator: But the Arizonans and Grahams' days as comrades are numbered because Jim Stinson isn't about to back down. So he comes up with a new plan. Trimble: Stinson is very devious. He wanted to divide the two families, get 'em fighting. Narrator: This time, he won't use guns. He'll use the law. He looks around. He tries to figure out, "I need somebody on my side who's willing to then turn evidence against the Tewksbury brothers for stealing cattle." Hutton: Stinson realizes that the Grahams are gonna be more useful to him as accomplices rather than enemies. He wants them to finger the Tewksburys as the cattle rustlers. Narrator: Stinson wants to spark a blood feud. So he calls a meeting with the one person he deems the weakest link, John Graham. Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Graham. I think that John Graham was easily influenced. Sure thing. What can I do for you, sir? You know I run a large herd of cattle down here, Graham. And I'm losing a lot of 'em to rustlers. Now, why don't you tell me what that has to do with me? I think you and your brother are a little too closely associated with those rustlers. You don't want to end up in jail. Besides, I can provide you with adequate compensation. He offers John a very lucrative contract that, if he will identify whoever's rustling cattle, John stands to profit handsomely from this. Keep talking, Mr. Stinson. Narrator: It's a simple deal. John Graham goes to the law and charges the Tewksburys with stealing. For any man convicted, Stinson gives John a bounty. 25 full-grown cows and 25 calves for every charge you make that ends up in a conviction for a cattle rustler. Well, that sounds like it might work for us. Now John faces the difficult task of getting his younger brother Tom on board to seal the deal. [SCENE_BREAK] I don't like it. It ain't right. We have to get that out of your head. This is an opportunity for us. Tewksburys have been good to us. They helped us get set up here. We rustled those mavericks together. And now you want to tell Stinson that it was the Tewksburys that's been stealing from them the whole time? Whatever the Tewksbury does, they're not family. You and me got to stick together. Well, we have a chance to be real cattlemen with Stinson's reward. The Tewksburys will go to jail instead of us. Tom, perhaps idolizing his older brother, eventually goes along with it. This is a dark side of the Grahams because this was a violation of what was the code of the west, your honor and loyalty to friends. Narrator: The Grahams know that partnering with Stinson will declare war on the Tewksburys but will keep their family out of jail and gain them a piece of Stinson's cattle empire. Blood is thicker than water. And Tom falls right in line with his brother to the very end. All right. I'm in. Narrator: On November 14, 1883, a meeting is held to sign a contract with Stinson. They took the deal out of self-interest. And it forever shattered their friendship with the Tewksburys. Narrator: This fateful document later becomes known as the treaty of war. Trimble: It was a double-cross. And what a price it cost 'em. Narrator: Within days, the law comes after Ed and John Tewksbury. Man: Tewksburys, come on out of here. The brothers are blindsided. When they discover it was the Grahams who turned them in, they feel completely betrayed. They were the ones who invited the Grahams up to Pleasant Valley. And suddenly, their friends had turned on them. This really hit them very, very hard. Narrator: The Tewksburys face four indictments on stealing Stinson's cattle. They have to stand trial. Narrator: With the Grahams' damning testimony, they fear conviction is inevitable. But after several months in court, there's a surprising verdict when the judge learns about the Grahams' deal with Stinson. Brown: When the judge found the contract, he suddenly became pro-Tewksbury and dismissed the charges against the Tewksburys for rustling. Narrator: For the Grahams, it's a crushing blow. Not only has their plan blown up, but now the Tewksburys know the complete depravity of the double-cross. The Tewksburys are completely betrayed by the Grahams in the most fundamental way. And so they're determined to get revenge. [SCENE_BREAK] Narrator: Shortly after the trial, a festering John Tewksbury can no longer contain his anger, and he goes looking for John Graham. John Graham! John Tewksbury has got a temper and a violent streak. And that's what's gonna get him into trouble. Narrator: Drunk with rage, he can't stop himself from striking a blow. But he quickly comes to his senses. The Grahams may have lost the court case, but they still have their sweet deal with powerful Judge Stinson. Surrounded by Stinson's men, John Tewksbury realizes that, if he goes any further, he could be killed. And John Graham knows it, too. John Tewksbury has no choice but to walk away seething. Both men know this is not the end. With the Grahams sitting pretty in Pleasant Valley, the Tewksburys set out to rebuild their lives. But even with the charges dismissed, the Arizonans reputation as respectable cattlemen is ruined. So their lives are exponentially more difficult than they were when the Grahams showed up. Narrator: Even worse, the legal fees from the protracted court battle have brought them to the brink of bankruptcy. With their cattle operation finished, they lease their land to a profitable, new enterprise... Sheep. Hutton: The Tewksburys turned to sheepherding as a way to make some money. And they're willing to lease out part of their range to sheep that are coming down from the north. Narrator: Focused on this new venture, the Tewksburys keep to themselves. But they are merely biding their time for revenge. I wouldn't say that they wanted to let bygones be bygones, but they let things lie. Narrator: Meanwhile, the Grahams fall upon hard times. Six months after their pact, their benefactor, James Stinson, decides he isn't making the money he expected in Pleasant Valley. So he chooses to cash out of his cattle operation. Trimble: When Stinson started this feud, it was to divide and conquer for financial gain. That was his purpose. But it wasn't working out for him, and he knew it. Narrator: With Stinson gone, the Grahams lose their protection against the Tewksburys. Making matters worse, their own cattle business is failing due to a new player in the valley. Obregón Pagán: The Aztec Land & Cattle Company who were there, also known as the Hashknife Cowboys, moved their operations from Texas into Arizona. Narrator: With 33,000 Texas longhorns, the Hashknife outfit employs a band of armed thugs to guard their herd, led by a particularly violent man named Andy Blevins. Herring: Blevins had a murder charge from Texas and was a serious outlaw, a killer of men. Narrator: Ever the opportunists, Tom and John Graham decide to sell their small herd and go to work for the Hashknives and Andy Blevins. The Grahams quickly understood the benefits of wild people like Andy Blevins. Narrator: The Graham brothers now have the biggest cattle outfit in the valley behind them. And the Aztec's operation is thriving. But there is one looming threat, the very venture the Tewksburys have embarked upon... sheep. Sheep eat the grass right down to the roots, and they leave nothing. They'll denude the land. Cattlemen all across the west despise sheepherders. It's oil and water. Spangenberger: The cattlemen decided that the Mogollon Rim was an area that would separate the sheep ranching from the cattle ranching. And if the sheep came over that, that was a no-no. Once they did, then the troubles began. Narrator: And if the Hashknives and Grahams go after sheepherders, that means the Grahams will go after the Tewksburys again. The feud between the brothers is set to reignite. Trimble: February of 1887 was the beginning of about nine months of real hell. It began when one of the Tewksburys drove the sheep over the Mogollon Rim, and you've got to know there's outrage down there among the cattlemen. Then, all of a sudden, things got real nasty. Hutton: Cowboy reaction to sheep coming into the valley was to kill the sheep. That's exactly what they did. Narrator: The Tewksburys find their flock at the bottom of the canyon. They rimrocked the sheep, as it was called. They ran 'em over the cliffs and killed them all. Narrator: The slaughtered livestock is only the beginning. The carnage sparks a vicious war from which there is no turning back. Those murdering dogs! At stake is the quintessential quest to survive on the American Frontier. Herring: They tipped it over into real warfare. And what we get was this kind of relentless, tit-for-tat violence. Narrator: It's February 1887, Pleasant Valley on the Arizona frontier. The blood feud between the Tewksburys and the Grahams has been simmering and is about to explode into one of the deadliest conflicts in the history of the wild west. The Tewksbury brothers have discovered the wholesale slaughter of nearly their entire flock of sheep. Then, Ed and John follow a trail of blood to find an even more gruesome scene. Ed: They killed 'em. Those murdering dogs! Hutton: They killed the sheepherder. And as story goes, to make matters worse, they beheaded him. Narrator: By using a beheading, a telltale Native American form of execution, this savage slaughter seems to be not just murder but a personal attack on the Tewksburys heritage. Hutton: The Grahams were really trying to send a message by this act of incredible violence. As if killing the sheep wasn't enough. This was so horrible to find the man who had been herding the sheep beheaded. You know who's behind this. You know what we have to do. The Tewksburys are just horrified, and they were determined to get revenge. Narrator: On August 19th, they find their opportunity. The beloved younger brother of Tom and John, 18-year-old Billy Graham, is out riding unguarded and alone when he's ambushed by a group of men... [Gunshot] ... who leave him there to die. Billy, barely alive, reportedly gallops his horse home to the Grahams' ranch, hanging on for dear life. Now, all that the Grahams know is that he leaves early in the morning and, several hours later, he comes back into the cabin bleeding. His bowels are falling out of his hands because he had been shot in the back. Who did this to you? Who shot you, Billy? The... the Tewksburys. Ed... Ed was the one who pulled the trigger. Billy died a pretty horrible and lingering death. Narrator: For Tom Graham, this is not like the killing of an anonymous shepherd. This is family, his brother. We now have a Tewksbury killing a Graham. Billy Graham was just a kid. And there was so much hatred now. Obregón Pagán: Literally with blood on their hands with their brother, they swore that they were gonna avenge their brother's murder by taking out the Tewksburys. Narrator: Filled with anguish, there is only one thing now that will sate Tom's fury... The death of Ed Tewksbury. This is war now. This is gonna be to the last man. You killed my brother. Go home, Tom. You killed Billy. He came home last night with a hole blown right through him. He died in my arms. I'm gonna kill you. If you don't want to die right here, right now, go home, Tom. Narrator: Tom will get his revenge one day. To take down his enemy, he realizes he needs to bide his time to pick the right moment. Spangenberger: Tewksbury was a quick man with a gun. He was a good shot, and he wasn't afraid to use it. You should be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life... 'Cause I'll get you. [SCENE_BREAK] Narrator: Now that blood has been spilled and the Grahams have sworn revenge, Ed and his brothers realize their families are at risk, and they must act now to keep them safe. John Tewksbury moves his pregnant wife, Mary Ann, and their young daughter to his father's house a few miles away. Then, the Tewksbury brothers, accompanied by a group of allies, head to hide out deep in the hills. They knew the hills very, very well. And they waited for things to die down. Narrator: The Tewksburys camp out in the mountains for two weeks before John gets anxious. Obregón Pagán: John's wife is pregnant. And so he wants to come back to see his wife. He wants to check on her. Narrator: That evening, he arrives at his father's house safely and enjoys a blissful reunion with his family. John beds down for the night with a plan to go back into hiding the next morning. But outside the cabin, a group of men bent on revenge is waiting. Trimble: Sometime during the night, Tom Graham, John Graham, Andy Blevins and a few Hashknife cowboys surround the cabin and wait till morning. So, early in the morning, John Tewksbury goes out to gather the horses. Narrator: John is preparing to head back into the hills, but he's stopped cold. Obregón Pagán: Their horses are gone. So John arms himself and goes out looking for the horses. As you can imagine, there's lots of brush, lots of trees. And he's listening if he can hear the horses. The Grahams were out just a short distance from the cabin. Narrator: What happens next will escalate the feud to a whole new level of bloodshed. Trimble: Blood's been drawn from brothers. This is the old biblical eye for an eye. And there's no turning back now. Narrator: The grisly violence will shock the public and rock the nation. Narrator: It's September 1, 1887, in Pleasant Valley, Arizona. The Grahams have been hunting down the Tewksbury brothers to avenge their brother's murder. After tracking John Tewksbury to his father's home, the Graham brothers and a pack of Hashknife Cowboys lie in wait. And he's ambushed. [Gunshots] Narrator: The Grahams ruthlessly gun down their former friend in front of his family. [Screams] Hutton: And now the Pleasant Valley war really takes on its most violent stage. Narrator: Next, they reportedly turn their rage and their guns towards the cabin. Inside, a pregnant Mary Ann and other Tewksburys are trapped and completely outgunned. Hutton: Whole family is gathered, women and children. They are besieged by these armed gunmen. Narrator: In a moment of stillness, John Tewksbury's wife begs the Grahams for a cease-fire. Let me come out there and bury my husband's body, you sons of bitches! No. Let the hogs eat him. Hutton: Grahams won't do it. That's just how bitter everyone is by this time. Narrator: The Grahams decide to lay siege on the cabin, planning to kill any adult male Tewksburys inside and end the feud once and for all. Andy Blevins, murderous ringleader with the Hashknife Cowboys, has a sinister idea for their next move. We should burn this place to the ground, be done with as many Tewksburys as we can. Andy Blevins was a psychopath, and he wants to burn the cabin down with the women and children inside. Now, to Tom Graham's credit, he says no. We ain't got no beef with Mary Ann. So there'll be no burning today, Blevins. Trimble: This was an eye for an eye. And if you start burning down cabins with children inside, the other side's gonna do it because that's what happens in a feud. Narrator: The siege lasts day and night... For over a week until, one night, when gunfire is quiet, a Tewksbury ally inside manages to escape. He escaped the snipers and ran to get the law. Narrator: But the justice of the peace arrives too late. By the time the law arrived, the Grahams are gone. Narrator: Miraculously, no one inside the cabin is injured, and John Tewksbury can finally be buried. His brother Ed is shattered. The Tewksburys are at high alert at this point. Now, one of their brothers has been killed. They're under assault, and they're fighting for their lives. Narrator: But after so much back-and-forth violence, this gruesome crime sparks a larger outcry. For years, the Pleasant Valley war, as it comes to be known, has been making headlines. Newspapers chronicle each offense of the Grahams, the Tewksburys, the Hashknives and anyone else caught up in the range violence. They say as many as 50 people died. Many were missing and never found. [Gunshots] The governor of Arizona demands a crackdown. Arizona wants statehood. They're never gonna get statehood when every newspaper portrays Arizona as a wild-eyed cowboy shooting guns in the air. And so posses go out. Narrator: On September 21, 1887, sheriff William Mulvenon enters Pleasant Valley. Obregón Pagán: He rounds up a posse, deputy sheriffs of different towns in the area. They all come in to arrest the Grahams. Narrator: The sheriff and his men hide out in the general store near the Grahams' property and lie in wait until John Graham and one of the Hashknife Cowboys appear. When they get close enough, the sheriff steps out from behind the store. Throw down your guns! They're not about to surrender. They pull their guns. That was all the permission that the law ever needed. [Gunshots] They start blazing away. Spangenberger: The shooting was wild. They just put out a hail of lead. The Hashknife cowboy was killed instantly. Narrator: But John is alive, and the sheriff wants answers. Where's your brother, John? You're gonna want to see him with what time you got left. The sheriff says, "I promise you that, if you tell me where he is, I will let him stay with you for these last few moments of your life." You have my word. I won't arrest him. I don't know where he is, and damned if I tell you if I did. Obregón Pagán: John refused to give up where his brother was, and he dies quietly about an hour after the shootout. Narrator: Tom Graham quickly learns of his brother's death and that the law is after him. You have to remember that Tom Graham was the last man standing in the Graham family. Narrator: And he makes a fateful decision. The death of John Graham ends with posses scouring the countryside. Tom Graham decides just to get the hell out of Pleasant Valley. Narrator: With Tom Graham vanished, Ed Tewksbury has no choice but to stand down. Hutton: Everything quiets down. It seemed as if peace had come to the valley, as if the war was over. Narrator: But there's a final battle still to come. [SCENE_BREAK] It's been five years since the deaths of John Graham, Billy Graham and John Tewksbury when word reaches Ed that his old enemy is alive and well in Tempe, Arizona. Tom Graham was reported to have boasted that he took part in the murder of John Tewksbury. From Ed's perspective, justice has not been served. The guy who took credit for having murdered his older brother is still living free. Narrator: Filled with fury, Ed vows to track his Nemesis down. Obregón Pagán: Ed decided that he needed to enact justice on behalf of the family. Brown: Finally, Tewksbury said, "I'll go down to Tempe and put an end to this. I'll kill Tom Graham." Narrator: It's August 2, 1892, Arizona territory. Ed Tewksbury's Nemesis, Tom Graham, disappeared from pleasant valley five years ago. But Ed's finally tracked him down to Tempe, Arizona, where he's been living a quiet life as a farmer. Notorious throughout the country, this bitter feud has claimed countless lives and has been raging for a decade. Brown: Finally, Tewksbury said, "I'll go down to Tempe and put an end to this. I'll kill Tom Graham." Narrator: This is the final chapter in the Pleasant Valley war. That morning, an unsuspecting Tom Graham begins his daily routine. Obregón Pagán: Tom gets up early. It's been a good year that year for his crop. Narrator: He doesn't notice a looming figure on the horizon. Obregón Pagán: Tom's minding his own business. Suddenly, he hears a sound. [Gun cocks] I'm unarmed. Your time has come, Tom. You're the one man I don't mind shooting in the back. I figured as much. I'll pay my penance. Meet you in hell, Ed. [Gunshot] The force of it is so strong that it throws him back, severing part of his spine. Narrator: The wound is mortal. Obregón Pagán: He's bleeding, and he's just laying there. All he can do is look up. Narrator: There's a code on the range to show mercy when an animal is dying. Trimble: The code of the west wasn't just a creation out of the Hollywood cowboy movies. There was an honor among cowboys. Narrator: But Ed Tewksbury shows no such mercy. The last Graham has been killed, and Ed is the last Tewksbury standing. When Edwin Tewksbury shot Tom Graham, that shot closed one of the bloodiest chapters of our history. The west would never see the like of it again. Narrator: With the death of Tom, the Pleasant Valley war is over. Ed Tewksbury is eventually arrested and placed on trial for the murder of Tom Graham. But due to a technicality in court, the case is thrown out. Ed walks out a free man. Hutton: Ed Tewksbury was the last man in the Pleasant Valley war. He went on to become a... a deputy sheriff. And his future was secure... To live out a peaceful life and die with his boots on. Narrator: Having avenged his brother's death, Ed Tewksbury dies peacefully of natural causes in 1904. Hutton: And so a quiet ending to the last survivor of the Pleasant Valley war. Narrator: While these two men, Tom Graham and Ed Tewksbury, may now be long gone, the impact of their blood feud is felt to this day. You know, when you look at this, nobody won. Everybody was scarred by this experience. Narrator: The carnage and violence of this war is so vicious it's credited with delaying Arizona's admission as a state. It was 1912 before Arizona became a state, the last of the 48 Continental United States to be admitted. Narrator: And the blood-soaked feud still maintains a notorious place in the history of the American Frontier. Herring: Pleasant Valley war was one of the bloodiest conflicts in American history. As many as 50 people died directly in the conflict. Hutton: It really was a blood feud that took on such epic proportions. It brought the wild west vividly to life for people all across the country.

Plan: A: Former friendships; Q: What sours? A: two ranching families; Q: Who is embroiled in an epic battle? A: an epic battle; Q: What kind of battle do the families become embroiled in? A: Arizona; Q: In what state does the story take place? Summary: Former friendships sour as two ranching families become embroiled in an epic battle in the dangerous frontier of Arizona.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Cotton: The witches completed their dreaded Grand Rite. Boy: Tell me about my father. Mary: I loved him more than anything. But he is dead. Eliot: Cotton Mather. You are confined to Boston and... Forbidden from returning to Salem. Mary: It's time to face what you really are. Anne: There is nothing I care to learn from you. Samuel: I have found him. He is quite possibly the savior of Salem. Von Marburg: Who is it that led the Grand Rite? Eliot: To answer that, we must go to Salem ourselves. John: Do I have your protection? Cotton: The war is on. Mary: If you defy me, only horror awaits you. Cotton: The battle has begun. Mercy: It is I, not Mary Sibley, who... Elder witch: [Spits] Cotton: And the front line is in Salem. Tituba: Mercy Lewis killed our witches. True witches. The Elders. Mary: Courage, men. This is our ultimate battle. We have every reason to believe the crags are the last refuge of the Salem witches. For the sake of all our people, your wives and children, it's clear what must be done. We end it here. [Horse whinnies] Man: Again! Again! [Grunts] [Women screaming] Mary: Witches! Suffer not one to survive and torment us more! Kill them! Kill them all! [Screaming continues] [Screaming, gunfire continue] Mary: You wanted war. Now taste war. ["Cupid carries a gun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Mary: We are the people of Salem, God's chosen people, given this land on which to build a new world of Faith and freedom. But even God's gifts come at a price. A dreadful price. Mercy Lewis and the daughters of Salem fell under the devil's tragic influence. You all saw what they did last night... Slaughtered two old, innocent beggars from the outskirts of town, hung and burned like animals on the stocks. An act of war on all of us. I weep for our lost children. But such are the casualties of this war on witches. We must be willing to bear any burden, pay any price. It is up to us what kind of land this shall be. A Heaven on earth... Or a Hell. Witch blood fall, black earth rise. Hear my call, make me wise. Time foretell for me alone when all mankind, its sins atone. Tituba: Pretty words, but as you well know, words without blood are nothing but air. Mary: For once, cease your shriking, harpy. I am mistress of blood as well as words. Observe this exquisite movement. See here. This is the clock... The clock of the doom that hangs over Salem, over the puritans, over this whole land. Tituba: And over you, too, should you fail. Know that you shall never truly possess that boy as your own son if you do not complete the Great Task. Mary: Save your breath. I have already sown the witch seeds, and today the plague bodies begin to be dumped into the crags to await their transformation. The comet will soon Blaze overhead, terrifying all for only three nights. By the time it passes in fiery glory, the crags will be filled with hell-blood, the gate will open, and our dark lord at last incarnates. For once, lay aside all your suspicions and grudges, my dark sister. Exult. We have long lain in their grim gutters, but our eyes have always remained on the stars above. And now our time is at hand. Tituba: Indeed, you have done marvelously well. But there remains one flaw in your gem. Mary: [Sighs] And what is that? Tituba: Against all judgment, you entrusted the Malum to that idiot Isaac. And now he is near awakening and will most likely tell your handsome doctor exactly how this pox began. You must fix it... for good. [Man coughs] Wainwright: On the one hand, the news is almost all grim. The number of victims increases exponentially. At this rate, there may not be anyone alive here in a fortnight. Mary: "Almost all grim"? That sounds entirely grim. Wainwright: Uh, yes. But then there is your Isaac. He is finally conscious. Mary: And what says he? Wainwright: Well, so far, only one word. "Mary." Mary: Isaac and I are childhood friends. It's true. May I see him? Wainwright: Certainly. This way. I hope the sight of you will revive him sufficiently to tell us what we so desperately need to know... How he first encountered this dreadful pox. Mary: Dr. Wainwright, might I have a quiet moment alone with him first? It might help. Wainwright: Of course. [Bottler stopper pops] [Man coughs] Isaac: Mary. [Breathing heavily] Is that you? Mary: Yes, sweet Isaac. It is I. Isaac: [Crying] I'm so sorry. Mary: Sorry? What on earth for? Isaac: It's all my fault. Mary: Calm yourself, Isaac. What's your fault? Isaac: All this. All of this death. See, at the last moment, I lost Faith. I didn't do as you told me. If I did as you said, perhaps none of this would've happened. Mary: Hush, now. What's done is done. And it was wrong of me to put you in such danger. Let us never speak of this again. To anyone. Isaac: As you say, I will do. [Breathing heavily] Please... a drink. A drink. Mary: I'm so sorry, Isaac. Rest here. Let me get you a fresh glass of water. Boy: [Humming "hush, little baby"] [Stops humming] George: [Breathing heavily] Boy: [Resumes humming] George: [Grunts] [Groaning] [Grunts] [Whimpers] [Whimpering] Tituba: Now, what do you think you're doing? Boy: Playing, ma'am. Tituba: Well, we must all have our amusements. But do not let your mother catch you at such playing, understand? Boy: Yes, ma'am. Anne: Mr. Hathorne. Hathorne: Greetings, my dear girl. Anne: How may I help you? Hathorne: It is I who am here to help you. Anne: Oh, I thank you for whatever kindness you may intend, but I'm rather busy at present. [InHales sharply] [Sighs] Hathorne: No one can replace your father, either in your life, or the life of the community. But someone must try. Anne: Sugar? Hathorne: No. Thank you. Your father was a most impressive man. How far he rose during his years here in Salem. After all, he alone of the senior selectmen was not a founder. Anne: No. He came here only after some years in the west indies. Hathorne: I envy your father his grit. He is... was... What they are now calling a "self-made man." [Chuckling] Whatever that may mean, given that we are all made by God. [Chuckles] But still, uh, impressive, and wise, too, to have made a fortune. I don't know any Hales back in old England. Do you know your ancestors? Anne: No. Uh, my father was the only one of his family to... make the crossing. Hathorne: Ah, I see. Too bad. Family is everything. And a tall family tree, planted with deep roots, blessed with wide, plentiful branches, is the best guarantor of a successful life. So, with no cousins, the task of preserving and expanding your father's fortune falls on your lovely but narrow shoulders. Anne: I suppose so. Hathorne: It's a dangerous world for an orphan girl. Filled with predators who would take your fortune and your innocence. In whom you place your trust and your troth will be the most important decision of your life. And I trust, when the time comes, you will make the correct one. [Coughs] Oh, e-excuse me. [Breathing heavily] The air is rather dry today. [Dishes rattling] I should go. I shall return for you, my dear. Anne: [ExHales deeply] [Breathing heavily] [Blacksmith hammering] Excuse me. Where are those coaches headed? Man: Boston, Jamestown, New York. Anne: I'd like to purchase passage to... Man: May I see your travel permit? Anne: Since when does one need a permit to travel? Man: Sorry, miss. New orders from the selectmen. Part of the quarantine effort. You'll need to apply to them or Mrs. Sibley for a permit. Anne: [Sighs] [Horse whinnies] Tituba: Miss Hale? Anne: Did she send you to stop me? Tituba: She? Oh, no. Our mistress has no idea that I'm here. Anne: She may be your mistress, but none of mine. Tituba: That would be a mistake, miss Hale. You really must learn the virtue of patience. Anne: You speak to me of virtue? I detest everything she and you stand for, everything you're doing... Turning this town into a pit of death, seizing powers never intended. I want nothing from her or you. Tituba: In truth, I share your discomfort at some of her actions. But for the time being, stay still and learn from her. Anne: I cannot bear it! I must get out of this place! Tituba: But where would you go? Anne: Away. Anywhere but here. Tituba: Well, you know where to find me, and I you. [Rattling in distance] [Rattling continues] Anne: [Whimpering] [Gasps] [Indistinct conversations] [Horse whinnies] Cotton: Miss Hale? What on heaven and earth are you doing here? (Whooshing) [Birds chirping] Petrus: The ranters are right. This is the end of the world, and the dead walk. John: I was told a friend of the Indians lives in these woods. Petrus: And so he does. John: Who are you? Petrus: Some call me Petrus. John: Petrus? Yes. I remember that name. Are you a witch? Petrus: Whatever I may be, I have been much engaged on your behalf. I showed Mary Sibley your funeral. John: So you're on our side. Petrus: A circle has no sides. Come. Alive or dead, you are still the most wanted man in the colony. Man: Bring out the dead! Bring out the dead! Bring out the dead! Woman: [Crying] My dear husband. [Indistinct conversation] Wainwright: I'm sorry, but we must take him. Rev. Lewis: How dare you? I have sent diggers to prepare a resting place for him. You have no business taking him! Wainwright: Reverend Lewis, these bodies must be removed from the town. It is far too dangerous to keep them within the village. Hathorne: Where would you take them? Hathorne: Mary Sibley informed me that you have a place outside of town where you sometimes dispose of bodies? Hathorne: The crags? Wainwright: Sir, it is a matter of the health of the entire community. Rev. Lewis: You may have dedicated yourself to the health of the citizens, but I am responsible for their souls! Mary: Gentlemen. It is precisely this degree of argument and dissension, in full view of a public that look to us for unity, that is the most dangerous of all. Hathorne: Did you order that all bodies... Puritan, good men and good women... Be dumped into the crags like slaves and common criminals without the benefit of prayer or service? Mary: Mr. Hathorne, these are extraordinary times with extraordinary dangers. And they call for extraordinary measures. Wainwright: We would do best if all those who fall to the pox were interred some distance from the center of town and farther away from the waterfront and the well, lest they aid in the spread of the pox. [Man grunts] [Woman wheezing] Petrus: I'm glad, at least, they didn't send you back unarmed. I sense them, your tools of power. A witch dagger to kill, a moonstone to see, and a medicine bag to be unseen. It hurts to hide. I should know. I've been hiding my whole life. John: How many witches in Salem? Petrus: How many thorns on a rose? One hundred is not enough if you wish to protect the flower, and one is too many. John: How many?! Petrus: [Sighs] What matter the exact number? John: Because I intend to kill every last one of them, so it'd be helpful to know how many and their names. Petrus: But the names I know, you know. Mary Sibley, Tituba, Magistrate Hale. John: Who else? Petrus: I cannot say. John: Then what good are you to me? Petrus: No man knows his own worth. But I will tell you that there is one less witch in Salem since you left. Hale is dead. John: How? Petrus: Wrong question. John: And the right question is? Petrus: What now? John: You need to start talking or you'll be deaf as well as blind. Petrus: Salem will need a new magistrate soon. John: So? What do I care for puritan politicking? Petrus: Mary Sibley is determined to place another of her hive in that powerful position. John: Find out who Mary Sibley is backing for magistrate and I find the next witch in line. [Chuckles] Petrus: [Gurgling] [SCENE_BREAK] [Indistinct conversations] [Thunder rumbles] Cotton: There. It's good to see you can still smile, miss Hale. So, tell me, what brings you to Boston? Is your father in town on business? Anne: My father... [Sobbing] [Wind howling] [Window lock clicks] Cotton: Dear miss Hale, what is it? Anne: [Crying] My father and my mother... Both dead. Cotton: Dead? Anne: From the pox. Cotton: The pox? Salem is gripped by pox? Anne: It is as if the Angel of Death himself has descended upon the town. Cotton: A pox. Is this it? Anne: What? Cotton: The Malum. Evil unleashed. The apple opened. The witches' Grand Rite. Anne: I don't understand. Cotton: I feared something like this. They wouldn't listen. But a pox... ha! This they can't ignore. They must do something. Anne: "They"? What about you? You must do something. Cotton: Me? I am... I am banned from even speaking about Salem. I'm explicitly forbidden by the elders from returning. Perhaps in a month or two they will reconsider and relent. Anne: We do not have months. We may not have weeks. I fear all will be dead by then. Please, Reverend Mather... Cotton: "Cotton." I think after all we've been through, you may now... call me Cotton. Anne: Cotton... Please return to Salem. Cotton: Even if I could, what use? Everything I did turned to dust or... or worse. Simply put, miss Hale, I'm a failure. Anne: Back in Salem, it was my doubts soothed by your calm confidence. It pains me to find you sunk in doubt. Cotton: Since the incidents in Salem... And my father's death, I... I doubt everything. I've even begun to doubt the existence of witches. Anne: No. Never doubt there are witches. Cotton: Miss Hale... Anne... Has something else happened? I mean to you? You know you may tell me anything. [Knock on door] Countess! This is a day of surprises. What brings you here? [Door closes] Von Marburg: Cheese, wine, pork, and sausages. A bachelor alone rarely feeds himself properly. Though I find you not nearly alone as I expected. Cotton: Countess Palatine Ingrid Von Marburg, may I present Anne Hale, newly arrived from Salem. Von Marburg: [Gasps] From Salem. Oh, my dear... my poor dear. You must tell us everything... Everything. [Thunder rumbles] [Echoing] It's so hard to believe any of it. Who could imagine such horrors? I thought I smelled a witch in Boston. Anne: [Gasps] Where am I? Von Marburg: Within. Anne: Within? Within what? Von Marburg: Your soul. Anne: [Breathing heavily] Who are you? Von Marburg: Oh, my dear, I have had so many names. Hecate, Medea, Báthory are just a few. I'm the Swallower of Souls, she who flowers from her own wounds. I'm the last of the first, the last of the true witches. Anne: What do you want with me? Von Marburg: To help you discover your true nature. Your bright light has been buried 'neath the coal of half-wit half-breeds of the so-called Essex witches. Imagine my surprise to find that, of all the hives that survive, it is weak-blooded Essex witches who have done the undoable... Complete our Grand Rite. What I want to know... Anne: [Gasps] Von Marburg: Is who. Anne: Who? Von Marburg: Oh, yes. Who, my little owl. Who amongst the Essex hive has initiated the Grand Rite? Anne: I don't know. Von Marburg: Oh, do not lie to me. Ever. There could be no greater error than that. You do know, and you will tell me. Anne: No, I do not know, truly. I know nothing of the witches. I-I didn't even know I was one. Von Marburg: Oh, no, I see that now. You do not even know what it is that you do know. I am deeply desirous of knowing who it was that performed the Grand Rite. My own triumph was stolen by that pestiferous, pus-headed killer, Increase Mather. Anne: You know Increase Mather? Von Marburg: Oh, he and I danced a lively jig, and neither of us left it unmarked. I will tell you all my stories sometime. But it's not about me now. It's about you. Anne: Me? What have I to do with... anything? Von Marburg: You are uniquely placed because of your heritage. Your father did not tell you the whole truth, did he? Well, you must ask him. Ask him who you truly are. You are no mere Essex witch any more than he. Anne: I cannot ask him. Von Marburg: Why? Anne: He is dead. Von Marburg: Well, do not weep for him. We must all murder our fathers and mothers. This is the way. Anne: How did you know I... Von Marburg: Child, you have so much to learn. I almost envy you the long path to endarkenment that you must walk. When you learn to talk to your father again where he is, then you will be ready to hear what he can tell you. In the meantime, weep no more unless it is to bring the rain. We will meet again, little owl, and soon. Until then, tell no one that we have met. Their time for knowing me is not yet. And trust me, I will know if you have told anyone. And things will not go lightly for you. [Thunder rumbles] We are just dying to hear your opinion. Do bring miss Hale to dine. Sebastian is most anxious to meet you. And I know he will be thrilled to make miss Hale's acquaintance as well. We're all going to be such friends, I just know it. [Water splashing] John: [Breathes deeply] [Neck snaps] [Water splashes] [Insects chirping] Mary: [Gasps] Wainwright: Good lord. Mrs. Sibley. W-what are you doing here? Mary: I could ask you the same question. I live directly opposite and have known this house to be long unoccupied. When I saw movement, I... Wainwright: I knew you were strong and smart but never suspected how brave... To confront a potential robber alone. Mary: Well, to be frank, I thought it might be the previous occupant, a man I've known all my life and never had cause to fear. Wainwright: Well, then you were even braver, as I am told the previous occupant was none other than the notorious king of the witches. Perhaps, like me, you doubt the very existence of such things as witches. Mary: No, I'm quite sure of the reality and threat of witches. I never could believe John Alden was one. But how come you to be here? Wainwright: Well, Mr. Hathorne told me the house was empty and seized on account of, well, witchcraft and that I might as well use it myself. Do you have some objection or perhaps some attachment to the house yourself? I surely would do nothing to offend you, of all people. Mary: No. Uh, Mr. Hathorne was, for once, quite correct. Wainwright: You do not like Mr. Hathorne? Mary: No more than he likes me. Wainwright: Hathorne seems simply unmanned by a strong woman such as yourself. Mary: Hm. And you are not? Wainwright: Science teaches what the poets always knew... Woman is not only man's equal, but his superior. Mary: Really? In what way? Wainwright: Well, the most important... Her capacity to endure pain. Even the frailest woman can take far greater pain than the strongest man. I've delivered too many babies to doubt that. Trust me... If men had to deliver a child from an opening in their body that small, the earth would be a cold, dead place. You look like one who's known pain intimately. Perhaps in this very room? Mary: My pain, like my body, is mine alone. You'd do well to remember that. Good night, Dr. Wainwright. [Door opens] [Door closes] Anne: But where will you sleep? Cotton: Oh, I have never slept in this room. It was my father's, and I find, even in his absence, I am much more comfortable in my old room. Anne: You will come to Salem, won't you? Cotton: Lord knows what the elders will do. Banish me, excommunicate me. But yes, I will return to Salem. Anne: Thank you... Cotton. [Indistinct shouting in distance] Sebastian: What did she taste like, mother? Von Marburg: Like lemons and honey. Like strawberry and sugar. Like innocence. Sebastian: I can still taste the honey. Von Marburg: Well, nothing lingers like innocence. Sebastian: And what did you learn from your kiss, beyond the sweet taste of her lips? Von Marburg: All she knew but didn't know she knew. Most importantly, that the Grand Rite was led by one Mary Sibley. Sebastian: I would have thought it was her father. Von Marburg: Oh, no. Hale was a charming and cultured man but wasn't capable of leading the Grand Rite. He was a survivor and carried always a survivor's guilt and fear. He never would have taken the risk. Ah, but this Mary Sibley... She must be something very special indeed. Not content to survive, she would thrive. Sebastian: Oh, Mama, i am fascinated already. When shall we meet her? Von Marburg: Soon, darling, soon. But we must tread carefully. We are no more welcome amongst the gutter hives than we are amongst the puritans. And if we were to be recognized prematurely, it might be an awkward and bloody thing. Sebastian: You never mind the blood, mother. Von Marburg: No. But like a good carpenter, I prefer to measure twice and cut once. So let us take the measure of this Mary Sibley before we go to Salem. Sebastian: As always, your beauty is exceeded only by your prudent wisdom. I nearly forgot. I brought you a present. Von Marburg: [Gasps] Girl: [Whimpering] Von Marburg: Oh, what a thoughtful son! Now, what did I do to deserve you? Sebastian: Only everything, Mama. Only everything. Girl: [Whimpering] Von Marburg: [Chuckles] Boo. [Liquid bubbling] Mary: Voilà, George. The results of an excellent day's work. With the first bodies being delivered to the crags, we are well under way. You people have no idea what's coming for you. You are so dim, with no more understanding of the celestial movements than ants have. We witches have always understood the skies and known how to predict what is coming. And what is coming is death for all of you and a new life for us. [Woman wheezing] Mary: The comet will be here soon. Our plague turns your dead bodies into Wells of hell-blood. The crags will be filled when the comet passes over. Well, then you puritans will be right for once. The comet really will be a portent of doom... Your doom. All of your dooms. [Door rattles] Tituba: Well done, mistress. Well done. As a reward, you shall have a small taste of the maternal intimacies you may expect when your tasks are complete. Come. [Wheezing continues] Mary: Soon, child. Soon we shall be together every day and every night and nevermore be parted. Boy: When, mother? Mary: When all my work is complete. And all the world shall be yours. [Smooches] Rev. Lewis: [Muttering indistinctly] [Door opens] Mercy: [Hoarsely] Father... [Wheezing] Your baby's home.

Plan: A: Elders; Q: Who did Mercy kill? A: Mary; Q: Who does Mercy claim war against? A: Hive; Q: What is Mary's group called? A: Dr. Wainwright; Q: Who is looking for clues to cure the growing plague? A: Selectmen; Q: Who is concerned about Dr. Wainwright's methods? A: Isaac; Q: Who is the only hope for a cure? A: life; Q: What does Isaac cling to? A: additional concern; Q: What does the possibility of Dr. Wainwright's success create for Mary and Tituba? A: John Alden; Q: Who kills Petrus? A: an epic confrontation; Q: What does John Alden prepare for? A: a telling encounter; Q: What does John Alden have with Petrus? A: unsettling side; Q: What side of his nature does Mary's son begin to show? A: Anne Hale; Q: Who goes to Boston to find Cotton? A: her new and as-of-yet uncontrollable powers-embarks; Q: Anne Hale-ripe with what? A: her father's mask; Q: What does Anne Hale use to travel to Boston? Summary: In the wake of Mercy's brutal act of violence in killing the Elders and claiming war against Mary, Mary works to rally the citizenry of Salem against her rebellious, wayward former protégé, and burned Mercy and her followers at the crags. Despite the unwanted distraction, Mary moves forward in her bid to complete her Hive's dark task with the promise that her eventual success will result in a permanent reunion with her son. As Dr. Wainwright looks for clues to cure the growing plague, his methods create concern for the Selectmen. While his only hope seems to be the discovery of the pox-ravaged Isaac, who, beyond all expectations, clings to life, the possibility of his success creates additional concern for Mary and Tituba. Meanwhile, John Alden prepares for an epic confrontation still to come, and has a telling encounter with Petrus but kills Petrus' after information has been traded; Mary's son begins to show another, unsettling side of his nature; and Anne Hale-ripe with her new and as-of-yet uncontrollable powers-embarks to Boston to where Cotton is through her father's mask. But discovers more than she bargained for.

[Scene: Attic. Prue is sitting on the floor looking through the Book of Shadows. The camera looks at a dolls, and a teddy bear. The cuckoo clock cuckoo's. Prue gasps. It's 2 in the morning. She looks back at the book. The door behind Prue slams open and it's Phoebe. Prue uses her power to send Phoebe (not knowing it's her) flying on an old bed.] Phoebe: Ahhh. (The old bed tumbles over.) Oh. Prue: Oh. Oh god. (She goes to help Phoebe stand up.) Phoebe, I didn't realize you were home. Are you OK? Phoebe: Yes. Prue: I'm sorry. Are you alright? Phoebe: I'm fine. (Phoebe stands up.) Uh, feeling a little jumpy are we? Prue: Well, yeah. Especially now that we know the evil triad is behind all those attacks. Phoebe: Um, yeah. I don't need a recap, but what I do need... is some heat. Is it freezing in here? Did you forget to pay the gas bill? Prue: I thought that you were supposed to pay the gas bill. Phoebe: No, Prue. I was going to take care of the club and you were going to take care of the house. Remember? When school started back up for me? Prue: Oh, right. Uh, I'll call the gas company first thing. I will be so glad when Piper gets back. Phoebe: What if she doesn't? (A phone rings.) Prue: Uh, that's my fax. (She goes to get it.) Doesn't what? (Phoebe puts her purse on.) Phoebe: Wh-what if she doesn't come back? (Prue picks up the Book of Shadows.) I mean, what if when her and Leo orbed out, it was for good? Prue: Phoebe, that is ridiculous. (Prue leaves. Phoebe follows.) Phoebe: No Prue. It's not ridiculous. Think about it. We have not heard from her in a month. And that's not like her. Prue: All right. Look, Piper is not going to just ditch us, okay? We're her sisters and neither is Leo. He's our white-lighter too. (They get to the second floor.) Phoebe: Then why hasn't she contacted us? I mean, she has to know that we're worried about her. She also has to know that she's left us one sister short in the power of three. (They walk downstairs.) So, while she is up romping around the clouds with Leo, we've got our wiccan butts flapping around in the wind here. I mean, we are very lucky, Prue, that we have not been attacked yet. (Prue stops at the end of the stairs.) Prue: No. It has absolutely nothing to do with luck. The triad is up to something. We just don't know what it is yet. Phoebe: That's exactly my point. Piper knows this. So where the hell is she? Prue: Well, that's why I've been studying the book. Phoebe: Prue, studying the book is not going to do it. We're screwed without Piper and you know this. Why aren't you worried? Prue: I am worried. Alright? I am scared that you're right, that we're never going to see her again, and not because she doesn't want to come back, but because they won't let her. Because she broke one too many rules. (The phone rings.) Phoebe: Who's calling us at 2 in the morning? (Prue goes to answer it as Phoebe follows.) Prue: Probably Darryl. (She answers it.) Hello? Darryl: Did you get the fax I sent? Prue: Yeah. I was just about to check it. (She heads for the conservatory with Phoebe following her.) Hold on. Phoebe: What's going on? Prue: Darryl's tracking a murder suspect who he thinks is in league with a demon. Phoebe: Based on what? Prue: Based on the fact that the killer carves a demonic symbol into its victim's forehead. (She gives Phoebe a piece of paper with a photograph of a victim.) An inverted triangle. That and the fact that he magically seems to be invading arrest. (Prue begins looking through the book.) Phoebe: Looks like a rune to me. Prue: Yeah. I saw it in here somewhere. (Into the phone) Darryl, is he still at the pier street rave? [Cut to Darryl. He's in a club with people dancing. He's talking on a cell phone. Loud soft music is playing (not love songs). Darryl is looking at a man (Later known as Emilio.)] Darryl: Yeah, but I think he's on the move. I don't think he spotted me yet. He's heading out the back. [Cut to Manor. Prue turns a page and sees the same symbol on the forehead of the demon drawn in the book. They're Guardians. Prue points to him.] Prue: There. Phoebe: (Reading from the book.) “An opening by which demons known as the guardians steal an innocent soul.” (Prue looks at her.) Prue: (Into the phone.) Stay away from him Darryl. [Cut to Darryl.] Darryl: And let him kills somebody else? (Emilio goes outside.) I don't think so. Prue: No. Listen to me. [Cut to Manor.] Prue: These guardians protect they're mortal killers in exchange for their victim's souls. [Cut to Darryl. He leaves the building.] Prue: You cannot stop him. Darryl: Listen Prue. I can take care of myself. I gotta call you back. I'm not sure where this guy is. (Emilio swings down from the top of a pole and knocks Darryl out.) [Cut to Manor.] Prue: Darryl? [Cut to Darryl. Emilio picks up the phone.] Prue: Darryl? (He hangs it up.) [Cut to Manor. Prue hangs up and walks in the kitchen with Phoebe following.] Prue: Alright. We're only uh, 3 minutes away. Phoebe: What do we do once we get there? Prue: How about save Darryl's life? (Prue goes to get her purse.) Phoebe: No. I mean about the guardian. We don't even know how to vanquish it. Prue: Well, the book says you kill it just like you would a vampire, with a stake. (Prue leaves.) Phoebe: Oh. Okay. (To the ceiling.) Piper, where are you? (She follows Prue.) [Cut to Darryl. Emilio is kneeling by him. We hear soft chanting. He's about to strike him. A girl in her early 20s walks by and sees this. She gasps. Emilio sees her and she runs away. He follows her. She bangs on the door. He tries to stake on her, but she ducks and runs the other way. She tries to climb up, but he pulls her down.] Woman: Please don't hurt me. (She screams and he kills her. He lies her on the floor.) [Scene: Inside the building. Prue, wearing a coat, and Phoebe are walking through the crowd.] [Cut to outside. Emilio carves the triangle into the woman's forehead as soft chanting is heard. The triangle glows. The guardian is a spirit and rises from Emilio. A dark blue light goes into him. The guardian goes back into Emilio. He walks to Darryl.] [Cut to Prue and Phoebe. They walk outside and see the woman dead. They then turn around to see Emilio trying to do the same thing to Darryl.] Phoebe: Darryl. Prue! (Prue uses her power to send Emilio flying on top of a dumpster. They run to check Darryl. The guardian arises from Emilio.) He's alive. Prue: Uh, I think I've found the guardian. (Phoebe and Prue stand up.) Phoebe: Okay. Get rid of it. Prue: Uh, oh. (Prue uses her power to send a stick into the guardian, but it goes right through him.) Phoebe: Wait. Didn't the book say they were just like vampires? Prue: I might have mis-read that part. Phoebe: I'm sorry? (The guardian picks up the knife.) Okay. The rune. Aim for the rune. (Prue uses her power to send a stick flying into the guardian's triangle on his forehead. He gets electrocuted and disappears.) Okay, if Piper ever comes back, I am going to kill her. Opening Credits [Scene: From before. The police put the woman in a body bag. Phoebe and Prue are with Darryl, who's awake and being checked by a medical.] Phoebe: Poor girl. Medical: Do you feel dizzy at all? Nauseous? Darryl: No. Medical: Trouble focusing? Headache? Darryl: I'm telling you I'm fine. Only thing wounded is my pride. Prue: Is he fine? Medical: Yeah. Thanks to you guys. Prue: What do you mean thanks to us? Medical: Well, you fought off the attacker didn't you? (Emilio walks towards the police car, staring at Prue and Phoebe with an evil grin on his face.) Isn't that what happened? Prue: Uh, yeah, you know, it wasn't really that big of a deal. Medical: Well, you saved his life. I think that's a pretty big deal. You're a lucky man, Inspector. Take care. Darryl: Thanks. (The medical grabs his bag and walks away.) Phoebe: Okay, can we go now? Darryl: No. You have to get witness statements. Prue: Uh, Darryl... Darryl: Prue, you're witnesses to a crime. In this case the only witnesses. Phoebe: No, Darryl, we can't be witnesses. We used our powers to stop the killer, what are we supposed to say? Prue: And he saw us use them too. Darryl: Nobody's gonna believe anything that sleaze ball has to say. All you have to do is get your story straight. Phoebe: You mean get our lies straight. Darryl: Phoebe, listen to me, without your testimony, Emilio walks. (Prue looks over at Emilio and he is still grinning at them.) Prue: What is he smiling at anyway? It's not like he has his guardian demon to protect him anymore. Phoebe: Yeah, and unfortunately our guardian angel is no where to be found. (She looks up.) We sure could use some cosmic help right now. What are we supposed to do? We've never been in this situation before. Darryl: You better decide fast. Here comes the ADA. (A really cute ADA approaches them.) Cole: Ladies. My name is Cole Turner and I'm the Assistant District Attorney assigned to this case. I was wondering if either of you saw what happened here. (Phoebe raises her hand.) Phoebe: I did! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Court Room. Prue and Phoebe are sitting on one the benches. Cole is standing in front of them.] Cole: I think we're in good shape except for the, what'd you call the murder weapon? A-a athamee? Phoebe: Athame. It's a ceremonial knife used by (Prue looks at her.) Um, lots of different crazy people. Cole: And are you sure you didn't see who took it? Phoebe: No, we were there to check up on Darryl and... Prue: Probably just some lunatic from the rave. Will it hurt the case? Cole: The P.D. will try to focus on it but this is just an arraignment, unless there's something I don't know about, we should have more than enough for the judge to hold him over for trial. Don't worry, I'm good at what I do. (The judge enters the room.) Bailiff: All rise. Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge William Hamilton now presiding. Please be seated. Phoebe: (to Prue) I'm nervous. Prue: Oh, you know. Witches and trials. It's that whole Salem thing. Phoebe: No. I mean about lying. It just doesn't feel right, Prue. Prue: Would it feel more right to just let him go? Court Clerk: Case number B684400. The state of California versus Emilio Smith. One count of murder in the first degree, one count attempted murder. (Cole stands up.) Cole: Assistant District Attorney Cole Turner for the state. (The P.D. stands up.) Alan: Public Defender Alan Sloan for the defense. Judge: How does the defendant plead? Alan: Not guilty, your Honor. Judge: So noted. Mr. Turner, I have read your brief, do you have anything to add? Cole: No, your Honor. The state stands by the arrest report and the eye witness testimonies. Judge: Mr. Sloan? Alan: Well, uh, it seems to me, your honor, you can't very well hold for a murder trial without a murder weapon. Cole: The State has already stipulated that the alleged murder weapon is still outstanding. We have two eyewitnesses who-- Alan: Saw what, exactly? My client bent over the Inspector? That's how they justify the attack? How do they know he didn't just happen to cross the scene, and was trying to revive the inspector. Phoebe: Oh, please! (The judge bangs his mallet.) Judge: Order! (Cole looks at Phoebe and she mouths 'sorry'.) Alan: And why, if they were able to so easily able to subdue him, don't they know exactly what happened to the alleged weapon? I mean, what? Did it just poof! magically disappear? Cole: Objection! Phoebe: Oh God, he knows. Prue: Easy. Cole: Your honor, the witnesses aren't on trial here. Alan: Why? Isn't perjury legal? Cole: Objection, your honor! Judge: Mr. Turner, unless you have something else or can produce the alleged murder weapon, I'm inclined to agree with Mr. Sloan. Cole: You're what? Judge: Do you or don't you have any additional evidence? Cole: You mean asside the fact that he's the prime suspect in three other murders but no less then five people saw him leave the rave just before the attacks and that everything other than the missing murder weapon makes this in any other courtroom a slam dunk? Judge: The charges are dropped, the defendant is released. (He bangs his mallet.) Cole: I don't believe this. Bailiff: Next case. (Emilio and Alan stand up. Emilio grins at Prue and Phoebe as they walk past them.) Cole: Yeah, you keep smiling, punk. (Cole grabs his jacket.) I'm not giving up until I see you fry. Darryl: Come on, Turner, this isn't gonna solve anything. Alan: (to Emilio) Let's go. Let's go. (They leave the room.) Phoebe: (to Cole) I'm so sorry, I wish that there was more that we could do. Cole: If there's something you're not telling me, anything, if your afraid of him we can protect you. I can re-file. Prue: Um, we have to go. Sorry. (They walk away.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue and Phoebe are there. Prue's looking in the Book Of Shadows.] Phoebe: We shouldn't have lied. Prue: Phoebe... Phoebe: We shouldn't have. We should've told the truth. We should've done whatever we had to do to keep that jerk from walking. Prue: Like what? Say what really happened to that knife? Tell the court that we're witches? Phoebe: Why not, Prue? Isn't it more important to keep a killer off the streets then to protect our secret? Prue: Phoebe, the Judge would've thought that we were nuts and you know it. Phoebe: Not if you proved it to them and showed them your power. Prue: No, that wouldn't have put Emilio away, that would've put us away, and then we would never have the chance of catching him again. Phoebe: And would that be before or after he kills somebody else? I'm sorry, you know I'm just really frustrated about all this. What about that public defender? I mean, if Emilio really did tell that P.D. about us, then why didn't he spill the magic beans? Prue: Same reason as us, credibility. What I'm curious about is, is he mortal or is he demon? Phoebe: All I know is Cole is an angel. He was awesome in that court room yesterday. Prue: See something you like, sis? Phoebe: Maybe, or maybe it's just nice to run into someone that's not a college boy. More years, less hormones. Prue: Yeah, not a bad butt either. (Piper and Leo orb in.) Piper: We've been through this, Leo. I don't care if they are. It's not right and it's not fair. Leo: I know that, but it's their rules. Piper: Screw their rules. They're wrong. Prue: Piper Piper: Just a second. Leo, you better do something about this because this is not acceptable. Leo: Piper, come on. Piper: Oh. (She freezes him.) I'm gonna go to the club. Do not tell him. (She leaves.) Prue: Hi, welcome home! Phoebe: Okay, what was that all about? I didn't even get to bitch at her. Prue: Yeah, neither did I. (Leo unfreezes.) Leo: We have to talk about it. Prue: Leo, she left. Phoebe: Yeah, so now I get to bitch at you. Listen, the next time you take my sister some place, please, call and let us know that you got their safely, okay. I don't care if it's up there-- Prue: Okay, oh, shh. Leo, uh, can you do me a favour and just go find out everything you can on guardians. They are demons. Okay, thank you, bye. (Leo orbs out.) Phoebe: Excuse me, but I have issues. Prue: Yes, I know, so do I, but Leo looked pretty beaten up already. Phoebe: Yeah, you're right, which is why I'm now gonna go kick Piper's ass. (She grabs the car keys and heads towards the door.) Prue: Oh, oh! (Prue closes the front door using her powers.) Phoebe: Okay, we have had this conversation. You are not allowed to use your active power on me until I have an active power to use on you, remember? Prue: I know, and I'm sorry, alright. But if anybody's gonna talk to Piper it should be me, okay. Cool our heads and all. Besides, shouldn't you be at class? (Prue takes the keys off of Phoebe and leaves.) [Scene: P3. Prue is walking down the stairs.] Prue: Piper? (Piper walks in holding a notebook.) Piper: This is really weird. My supplies are, like, gone. There's no booze, there's no mineral water and we're even out of pretzels. Plus the books are all messed up. How did this happen in one lousy day? Prue: One day? You're kidding, right? Piper, you have been gone for one month. Piper: What are you talking about? Prue: Here. (She picks up a newspaper off of the bench.) Check the date. (She does so.) Piper: October? It's October? How is this possible? I guess time moves a little bit differently up there. Prue: Yeah, well, it doesn't keep your head from being bitten off down here. Piper: Are you talking about demons? Prue: Oh, no, something so much worse than demons. Sisters. Especially Phoebe. We thought that you had abandoned us. Piper: That's ridiculous. I would never abandon you guys. If I had known I was gone this long I would've called or orbed or somehow let you know I was okay. Prue: Okay, why didn't Leo? Piper: Leo was battling demons of his own. Wait a minute, what's today? There's a band. The-the-the Barenaked Ladies are playing here tomorrow. Didn't anybody bother to call them? Prue: I-I don't really think that Phoebe knew. (Piper picks up the phone but Prue puts it back on its cradle.) Hey, you know what? Piper, can we just talk about what happened up there first? Piper: Sure, uh, unfortunately the longer I'm back, the fuzzier it all seems to get. I think they do that on purpose, they're very big on mystery. Prue: Okay, do you remember anything? Piper: Just feelings mostly. Good ones. Peaceful and whole and then it all went to crap when they said Leo and I had to stop seeing each other or else. Prue: Or else what? Piper: Or else they'd reassign him and we'd never see each other again. Just because it didn't work out with mum and her Whitelighter, I don't understand why I'm being punished. Prue: I'm sure that you guys will figure out a way around this. Come here. (They hug.) Leo would never let you go without a fight, you know that. Piper: But what if he doesn't have a choice? [Scene: College grounds. Phoebe's walking along the path. Cole sneaks up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. Phoebe spins around a does a high kick.] Phoebe: Hi-yah! (Cole grabs her leg before it hits him.) Cole! Cole: Hi, how's it going? Phoebe: (embarrassed) Oh, (laughs) wow, is this embarrassing. Uh, I-I-I'm... Cole: It's okay, I'm okay. Nice calf. Phoebe: Oh, thanks. Can I have it back? Cole: Sure. Sure. (He lets go of her leg.) Phoebe: Okay. (She laughs.) Uh, how did you find me? Cole: Told you I was good at what I do. Although you probably wouldn't think so after my performance in court. Phoebe: No, I thought you were amazing. It's just you were up against a, uh, an unfair Judge. Cole: Free Willy, he's got that reputation. Still, I know I didn't put on my best case, that's why I'm here to see if you can help me do a better job. Phoebe: How? Cole: I don't know, you tell me. Look, Phoebe, I may not be the greatest prosecutor but I've got good instincts, I can sense things about people, things they might not even want me to know. Phoebe: And what do you sense about me? Cole: That you're struggling with the truth. That you're a good person who wants to do the right thing here but for whatever reason you can't. How am I doing so far? Phoebe: Hung jury, mistrial. Cole: If you think of anything, (he sticks his card in between the pages of a book she's holding) please call me. Home number's on the back. Bye. (He turns and walks away. Phoebe checks out his butt. She pulls his card out of the book and has a premonition. In the premonition, Emilio has carved an inverted triangle on Cole's forehead.) Phoebe: Oh no. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Phoebe is running down the stairs.] Phoebe: (to herself) I have got to get a cell phone. Prue, I had a premonition of Emilio carving that rune into Cole's forehead. Prue: Did you see where it happens? Phoebe: No, just some parking lot somewhere. Piper: Who's Cole? Wh-what did you do to your hair? Phoebe: I'm sorry, do I know you? Prue: Okay, Phoebe, now is not the time. Are you sure? Phoebe: Yeah, positive. Although, now that I think about it, it does seem weird because we vanquished the guardian. Prue: Yeah, well, maybe he got another one. (Piper opens her mouth ready to speak.) Phoebe: What's a guardian you ask? Well, if you'd been around at all then you'd probably know, huh? Prue: Alright, we'll fill you in on the phone and Leo's checking on them so you should get together with him and find out everything. Phoebe: And no orbing. (Prue and Phoebe leave the club.) [Scene: Courthouse. Emilio walks into the judge's chambers.] Emilio: I need another guardian. Judge: What you need is to be more careful. I won't protect you again. Emilio: I won't get caught again. I can take care of the witches, judge. Judge: No, you can't, your mortal. But you can take care of the prosecutor. (A dagger magically appears in the judge's hand.) I don't want him to find out about you or me, understand? [Scene: Police station. Cole is there talking to Darryl.] Darryl: I wish I could help you, Turner, but I told you everything I can. Cole: Call me Cole. After all, we're on the same side, aren't we? Darryl: As often as cops and D.A's are, I guess. Cole: Look Inspector, I'm just trying to do my job, okay. I let a murderer go free today and that doesn't sit well with me. Darryl: Me neither. Cole: Then help me do something about it. Help me find out what it is that I'm missing here. Darryl: What your missing is a suspect, and if you let me do my job, then maybe I can help you find him, again. Now if you'll excuse me. Cole: Why'd you call the Halliwell's last night? Darryl: What? Cole: While you were on stake out at 2:17am according to the phone company. Darryl: You checked up on me? Cole: Standard procedure, Inspector. Darryl: Gee, and here I thought we were on the same side. I called because the sisters own a club. I thought they'd be interested in checking out the rave. Cole: That was very nice of you. Darryl: I'm a nice guy. Cole: Yeah. (Cole's phone rings.) Turner. Secretary: It's Phoebe Halliwell. Cole: Oh, speak of the devil. Secretary: Can I take a message? Cole: No, please, put her through. Phoebe? Phoebe: Cole, I've been trying to reach you. Cole: Sorry, I was in a meeting with Inspector Morris actually. Wanna say hello? [Cut to Prue and Phoebe in the car.] Phoebe: Uh, no. (to Prue) He's at the police station. Prue: 10-15 minutes at least. Phoebe: Listen, Cole, I need to talk to you, it's really, really important. (The phone begins to break up.) Cole: Say again, I didn't catch that. Phoebe: Cole? Uh, just-just stay where you are and I'll meet you there, okay? Cole: We've got a bad line. Look, I'm running late for court, I'll call you from my car. Phoebe: Cole? (She hangs up.) Damn it. [Cut to the car park at the police station. Cole is walking towards his car. Emilio is hiding behind a pole, holding the dagger. He runs to another pole. Cole hears his footsteps and looks behind. Emilio hides behind a pole in front of him. Cole continues walking. As he walks past the pole, Emilio jumps out and stabs him in the back with the dagger. Cole falls to the ground. Prue and Phoebe arrive in the car and drives straight towards Emilio. He jumps out of the way. Prue and Phoebe get of out the car. Phoebe runs over to Emilio and he tries to stab her. She jumps up to dodge the attack and flies straight up into the air.] Phoebe: Whoaaa! (She levitates in the air. Phoebe is in shock. Prue uses her power and Emilio lands on a car. Phoebe falls back onto the ground.) An active power. (The guardian rises out of Emilio.) Not that active. Prue! Prue: Hey, catch. (Prue uses her power ad the dagger flies straight into the Guardian's rune. The Guardian explodes in a ball of flame. Phoebe runs over to Cole.) Phoebe: Cole, cole. (Cole wakes up.) Cole: Phoebe? What are you doing here? What happened? Phoebe: I think I'm gonna plead the fifth on that one. (They smile.) [Scene: Manor. Piper is walking down the hallway. She hears Leo talking to himself in the bathroom. She stands next to the door and listens.] Leo: I look at you and I think how lucky I am. I mean, I can't stop looking at you. You're my dream come true. You're my raison Dettra. [Cut to the bathroom. Leo is looking in the mirror.] Leo: Every time I see you, I love you even more. You're so beautiful. You're so special. I can't imagine my life without you. (Piper walks in.) Piper! Piper: Leo, who are you talking to? Leo: Me? Uh, nobody, just myself, you know. Piper: Yourself? You were telling yourself how much you love you? Leo: No, of course not. Uh, I mean, it's, it's not like that at all. Um, let's go downstairs and I'll explain. Piper: Actually, no, we don't have time. Uh, did you find out anything about the guardians? Leo: Uh, no, I forgot. Piper: You forgot? Leo, what's the matter? Why are you acting so weird? Leo: Can we go downstairs please? Piper: No, why? Leo: Okay, fine, um, here's good. Um, I've been thinking a lot actually about our situation. Piper: Leo... Leo: No, no, just let me finish. Um, I think I've come up with a solution, a way for us to be together no matter what they say. (Leo gets down on one knee and Piper's eyes widen. He takes Piper's hand.) Will you marry me? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Continued from before. Piper is running down the stairs and Leo is following.] Piper: This is so not happening. Leo: Listen to me, Piper, I told you, I thought this whole thing through. Piper: Uh huh. Is that why you asked me to marry you in a toilet? Leo: I tried to get you downstairs. Piper: Well, I'm downstairs now and I still don't believe you're serious. Leo: I am serious, Piper, dead serious. Piper: Right. Dead is exactly what we're gonna be if they ever find out. (Piper walks in the living room. Leo follows.) Leo: Piper, would you... would you stop running away from me for just one minute and let me explain. (She stops and faces him.) If we got married... (she sighs) look, will you just hear me out please? If we got married, it would be a holy union, something I don't even think my bosses could break apart. Piper: I don't understand. Leo: It's really hard to explain. I-I don't really understand how it all works myself, but I know that there are different levels up there, a hierarchy. What I'm trying to say is that I think a holy union goes above their heads. It'd be like running an end run to my bosses bosses. Piper: And end run? Leo: Yeah. The only catch is that we would have to get married in secret because I think they only way they could hurt us if they found out before, so we just have to keep it quiet. Piper: Elope? Leo: Right. Piper: So that they don't find out. Leo: Exactly. (Pause) You hate the idea. Piper: Well, it's not exactly Cinderella is it? Leo, look, how do we know they don't know already? How do we know they're not listening right now? Leo: They're not, believe me, they don't do that. Piper: So then why does it have to be a secret? Leo: Because if they ever did find out... Piper: Leo, this isn't supposed to be this way. Marriage shouldn't be a solution to a problem or a band aid, it's supposed to be about love and about two people who love each other so much they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Leo: That's what I want. Piper: But that's not where this is coming from. It's a fix-it, I guess, but it's not about us or love or whether or not we're even ready to be married. Leo: I came up with this whole idea because we love each other. It's all about our love. You know, we're meant to be together, Piper, you know that. You went to the future and you saw that we were married in it. That means that somehow they didn't stop us, somehow we found a way to be together and I think this is the way. Piper: I don't know. Leo, I love you and I never wanna be without you, but getting married in secret. It doesn't feel like a holy union to me. I'm sorry. (Prue and Phoebe come home.) Prue: Piper, Leo? (They walk in the living room.) Oh, hey, Leo, good. Uh, did you find out anything about the guardian? Leo: Not yet. Phoebe: Not yet? What do you mean not yet? (Piper leaves the room.) Piper. Leo: I'll go see what I can find out. (He orbs out.) [Scene: Police station. In a room. Emilio and Darryl are there. Cole walks in.] Cole: You get anything out of him? Darryl: Nope, he's not talking. Cole: Yeah? It seems to be an epidemic. (Cole begins to walk over to Emilio but Darryl stops him.) Darryl: Don't do anything stupid, Turner. You don't want to compromise the case. Cole: What case? He's already gotten away with murder. You really think they're gonna nail him for hitting me over the head? (He walks over and sits on the end of the table.) How's it going? I'm gonna make you a deal, Emilio. One that, if you're smart you'll jump at. Obviously whoever's protecting you isn't gonna keep doing it for much longer. Especially since you keep screwing up and getting caught. So, you might wanna pay attention. I want you to give a message to your friend. Tell him I know he sent you after me and because of that I'm gonna personally bring him down. Emilio: You don't scare me. Cole: No? (He shakes his head. Cole bangs Emilio's head on the table and grabs his throat.) You have no idea who you're dealing with. Darryl: What are you doing? Let him go. (Darryl splits them up.) Cole: See you in court. (He leaves.) [Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Piper is laying on the bed. Prue and Phoebe enter.] Prue: Hey. (They lay all over Piper.) Phoebe: Do you want to be alone? Piper: No. But it looks like I'm gonna be. Leo asked me to marry him. Prue: That's great! Piper: Yeah, except that I can't do it. Phoebe: Oh, what do you mean you can't do it, Piper? You love him. Piper: Of course I do, with all my heart but why's it got to be so complicated? Why can't I just be a normal person in love with a normal guy? Prue: Does Leo think that getting married is the only way around them? Piper: Yeah, but he's not even sure it's gonna work. Phoebe: Yeah, but it might work. Piper, you and Leo are destined to be together. You guys have the kind of love that girls dream about. I know I dream about it, how about you? Prue: All the time. Phoebe: And it understand the risks but if you don't go for it, isn't it an even bigger risk? (Leo orbs in.) Prue: That was fast. Phoebe: A little too fast. Leo: Sorry, but they were very interested when I told them about the guardians. Apparently guardians help mortal criminals spread evil. Prue: Yeah, we already know that. Skip ahead. Leo: Well, they think that you've stumbled across some evil conspiracy in that court room. One where an upper level demon somehow assigns guardians to the criminals who are set free. Phoebe: That makes sense. It explains why Emilio has two. Prue: Yeah, the question is, who's the demon? Piper: Didn't you say the public defender seems suspicious? Prue: Yeah, but he's not exactly in his best position to be setting criminals free. Phoebe: Yeah, but Free Willy is. Piper: Who? Phoebe: The judge. That would explain why he's got the highest release rate of anyone on the bench. Leo: Still, you can't very well go vanquishing the judge without knowing for sure he's demonic. Phoebe: Well, we better come up with a plan because Emilio gets arraigned in night court in, oh, an hour. Prue: I've got an idea. [Scene: Courthouse. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Leo are walking down the corridor.] Piper: Can't we just come up with a spell or something? Prue: No, a spell could backfire on us. Piper: So could this. Prue: No, the worst that could happen is that it just doesn't work, but we have to flush the demon out somehow. Phoebe: And since you can selectively freeze things, why not just the innocents? Piper: Oh, maybe because I've never done it before. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I've never levitated before. Piper: You never what? Prue: Look, Piper, just focus all of your energy on freezing the innocents, okay? Piper: Okay. (to Phoebe) So why did you do that to your hair? Phoebe: Because I wanted to change my luck. Piper: Oh. Phoebe: Scoot. [Cut to inside the court room. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Leo walk in.] Alan: How many times is the prosecutor gonna keep harassing my client, you honor? I mean, as far as I'm concerned, this has turned into nothing but a witch hunt. Cole: If I may please court, have a minute to confer with the witnesses? (Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Leo sit down next to Darryl.) Judge: It's late, Mr. Turner. Either you have a case or you don't. Cole: Very well. Uh, why would the defendant attack me if he was innocent of the prior charges? Alan: There's no proof he's the one responsible for the attack. Prue: (whispers) Now, Piper. Cole: Then what was he doing in the police parking lot? And why did myself and two eye witnesses... Alan: You mean, the same two eye witnesses that were here before? Phoebe: Piper... Piper: Alright. Alan: And what were they doing there? (Piper tries to freeze the room but nothing happens.) I mean, how is it that they just magically be at every crime scene? Prue: Try it again. Piper: I am trying. Cole: Objection, your hon-- (Piper freezes the room and only Cole, Leo and Darryl freeze.) Phoebe: It worked. Judge: Overruled. Prue: It's the judge. Alan: You honor, I move for this case to be dismissed. Phoebe: And the P.D. (They look around and Emilio and the security guards haven't freezed.) Piper: It's everybody. Prue: Oh! Judge: Kill them. Prue: Oh! Phoebe: What do we do? Prue: Oh! Oh! We run. (They run into another room. The judge turns into a demon.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Continued from before. Prue, Piper and Phoebe run into a room and lock the door.] Phoebe: Okay, does anybody have any brilliant ideas? Prue: Ah, can't you just freeze them? Piper: No, once they're immune to it they stay that way. That's why it's called immunity. Phoebe: Great. (Everyone outside tries to bang down the door.) Okay, this was all your idea, you know. Prue: Okay, well, so sue me. [Cut to outside.] Judge: Stand back. (Everyone moves out of the way. A fireball flies out of the judge's hand and hits the door.) [Cut back to the room.] Prue: Ah, any mass vanquishing spells? Phoebe: You're the one that's been studying the book. Prue: Why are you picking on me? Phoebe: Because I'm scared and we're outnumbered. Piper: Okay, but we can't stay in this room for the rest of our lives. (The judge throws another fireball.) Prue: Oh! (Everyone outside continues to bang on the door.) Alright, the best defense is a good offense. Are you ready? Piper: No. Prue: Yeah, you're ready. Piper: No, no. Prue: On three. One, two, (to Phoebe) don't hold my hand. One, two, three. (Prue uses her power and the door flies open knocking everyone behind it out of the way. Alan points a gun at Prue and she uses her power on him. A security guard grabs her from behind. Phoebe does some of her karate moves on some woman. Emilio heads straight for Piper holding a knife and she continually tries to freeze him. She picks up a baton off of the floor and blocks his attack. Prue breaks away from the guards grip and kicks one in the stomach. The judge throws a fireball straight at Prue and her power reflects it. They continue fighting everyone until they are all unconscious.) Prue: Okay, nicely done. Phoebe: You too. Piper: Wait a minute, if they're demons where are they're powers? Judge: Come to me. (The guardians rise out of the people and follow the judge into the chambers.) Prue: Guardians. They're not demons, they're just protected by them. Come on. (They run towards the chambers. Cole moves. He wasn't frozen. He disappears.) [Cut to the judge's chambers. The judge is there. Cole appears.] Judge: What the hell? Cole: Thanks, I'll take it from here. (Cole flicks his hand and the judge is engulfed in flames. Cole disappear and reappears back outside. He gets back into his frozen position. Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk into the chambers. The judge burns and disappears.) Piper: Okay, how did that happen? Prue: Good question, but we're not alone. Phoebe: We better get back before Cole unfreezes. (They walk back outside.) Piper: How are we gonna explain all this to him? Phoebe: Uhh... (Phoebe picks up a baton and stands behind Cole.) I am so sorry. (She hits him over the head and he falls down. Piper unfreezes Leo and Darryl.) Oh, Cole, Cole. (He sits up.) Are you okay? Cole: Uh, yeah, I think so. (He rubs his head.) What happened? Phoebe: Aren't you getting tired of asking me that? (He stares at her.) Um, well, Emilio went nuts and he tried to escape and then all the court room people tried to help him... Prue: Yeah, thank God for Darryl. Piper: Yep, saved the day. Cole: (confused) What? Phoebe: Something good happened. Can't you just accept that? Cole: It's not in my nature. [Scene: P3. The Barenaked Ladies are playing. Piper's at the bar serving drinks. Prue and Phoebe walk up.] Phoebe: You've been gone for two days and you get the Barenaked Ladies? How? Piper: Oh, actually, I just made a couple of phone calls. Phoebe: And I can't even get Barry Manilow on the phone. I'm sorry I screwed up your club. Piper: Oh, Phoebe, don't. I owe you guys and apology and thanks for covering my butt. Phoebe: Ah, not a problem. I didn't even really notice that you were gone actually. Prue: Liar. Phoebe: Yeah, I've been doing a lot of that lately. Unfortunately, especially to Cole. But hopefully I won't have to lie to him anymore. Prue: Yeah, well, something tells me he's not going anywhere anytime soon. Phoebe: No complaints here. Piper: Uh, one over here. Hottie that he is, he is an Assistant D.A., which makes him somewhat a threat to us. Phoebe: Yeah, but at least he's one of the good guys. (Leo walks in.) Prue: Speaking of the good guys... Phoebe: Uh, so have you had a change of heart? Piper: Actually, no. (She walks over to Leo.) Hi. Leo: Hi. Piper, maybe it was a mistake... Piper: Wait, Leo, me first. I've been thinking a lot about our situation and you asking me and I didn't want to just dismiss it without thinking it through. Um, last night in the court room, I was actually scared. For a minute there I thought I wasn't gonna make it, that that was it, and that's where I realised that I don't wanna die without ever having being married to you. The answer is yes, Leo, I would love to marry you. Leo: Yeah? Piper: Yeah. Leo: Yeah? (They laugh.) Piper: Yeah. (They hug. They kiss and the scene fades out.)

Plan: A: Piper and Leo; Q: Who is away for a month? A: The Elders; Q: Who are Piper and Leo going to see? A: Phoebe; Q: Who falls in love with the District Attorney? A: mortal murderers; Q: What do the Guardians help go free? A: Darryl; Q: Who do Prue and Phoebe save from a Guardian? A: a Guardian, Prue and Phoebe; Q: Who must face a series of demons known as Guardians? A: the judge; Q: Who is revealed to be a demon in the court room? A: the court room; Q: Where do Prue and Phoebe testify? A: Julian McMahon; Q: Who played the role of Cole Turner? A: The Triad; Q: Who sent Cole to kill the Charmed Ones? A: the Charmed Ones; Q: Who does Cole Turner want to kill? A: a new Whitelighter; Q: What will the sisters get if Piper and Leo don't end their relationship? Summary: While Piper and Leo are away for a month seeing The Elders, Prue and Phoebe must face a series of demons known as Guardians, who help mortal murderers go free in exchange for the souls of their victims. After saving Darryl from a Guardian, Prue and Phoebe must testify in court, where it is later revealed that the judge and all the other people in the court room are demons. Phoebe falls in love with the District Attorney Cole Turner ( Julian McMahon ), however she does not know he is a demon sent by The Triad to kill the Charmed Ones. Meanwhile, Piper and Leo return and reveal that The Elders want them to end their relationship or else the sisters will get a new Whitelighter . However, Leo decides to propose to Piper in secret.

THE DÆMONS BY: GUY LEOPOLD 6:10pm - 6:35pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (NIGHT) (The wind fills the cavern. As the coven members fall to the ground, only the MASTER keeps to his feet, his face lit with pleasure as he laughs exultantly.) MASTER: Azal! (GIRTON, using a pillar for support sees something on the other side of the cavern and points.) TOM GIRTON: Look! (The gargoyle's head turns and its eyes are bright red - it is coming to life!) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (NIGHT) (In the barrow, JO looks at the figures on the ground.) JO: Doctor! Are you...are you all right? (Prof. Horner and the DOCTOR lie quite still, covered in ice. As the barrow shakes, part of the roof starts to come down.) JO: Doctor! No! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. UNIT HQ. DUTY ROOM (NIGHT) (The rugby match - watched by CAPTAIN YATES, BENTON and a UNIT Corporal who is stood at the back of the room - comes to an end. YATES sits back in triumph.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Thirteen-nil! SERGEANT BENTON: They're lucky it wasn't a hundred and thirteen-nil! What a useless lot! (YATES holds out his hand for his winnings and BENTON reaches into his pocket and pulls out a coin which he flips to the victor. YATES checks his watch.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: We've missed the dig. SERGEANT BENTON: Well, we might just catch the end of it. (BENTON stands and changes channels on the television set. Immediately, they see JO bent over the still and ice and debris covered DOCTOR.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Look, there's Jo! JO: (On television.) Doctor! (The picture is replaced by a caption card which reads: DEVIL'S END Temporary fault (The smooth calming tones of an announcer assures viewers...) ANNOUNCER: (OOV: On television.) We seem to have lost all contact with the barrow. We shall, of course, resume transmission as soon as we can. In the meantime, here's some music. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Benton, get on to the BBC. See if you can find out what's going on down there. I'll try to raise the Brigadier. SERGEANT BENTON: Right, sir. (The two concerned men stand to go to the phones.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (NIGHT) (Within the barrow, a tearful and distraught JO is helped by several members of the BBC crew as they crawl frantically at the DOCTOR.) JO: Look at him, please hurry! Please hurry! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (NIGHT) (The cavern is quiet now. The MASTER, watched by the coven who lie shocked on the floor, stands arms aloft and triumphant before the altar.) MASTER: Oh, great Azal! I, the Master, thank thee for arising at my command! Behold my worthy disciples. They know now of thy presence and will seek to help me to fulfil my desires. Therefore I command them to rise to their feet and welcome thee, Azal! (The coven gets to their feet.) MASTER: To do my will shall be the whole of the law. (The coven, still in a state of shock at the turmoil that they have witnessed reply haltingly...) COVEN: To do thy will shall be the whole of the law. MASTER: Azal, hear me. (He picks up a knife off the altar and moves to the back of the cavern. Inset in the floor is a stone, brightly painted with symbols of the occult. The MASTER circles it, pointing at it with his knife.) MASTER: Let this stone...mark the appointed place. (He returns to the altar and addresses the coven.) MASTER: Let us meet together later...and thou mayest learn my intent. As my will, so mote it be. COVEN: As thy will, so mote it be. MASTER: You have nothing to fear - so long as you do the will of the Master. Go now. (The coven start to leave but the MASTER stops them with a final instruction...) MASTER: And say no word to any man, but await my commands. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (NIGHT) (The frozen DOCTOR has been carried out of the barrow and lies on the darkened ground outside, JO and HARRY kneel over him. The DOCTOR'S hands, solidified by the cold, point slightly upwards.) HARRY: He's gone too. JO: No...no, he can't! Look, we must get a doctor! HARRY: Look, love, face it - they've had it. JO: But there must be a doctor in the village or somewhere! (HARRY shouts over to a nearby member of the crew.) HARRY: Charlie, can I have word in a minute? CHARLIE: (OOV.) Okay, Harry. HARRY: (To JO, gently.) Charlie'll take him down ... JO: (Relieved.) Thank you. (HARRY gets up and walks off. JO turns back to the DOCTOR whose face is a pale and as white as snow.) JO: Doctor! Doctor, please?! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. UNIT HQ. DUTY ROOM (NIGHT) (YATES, BENTON and the Corporal are all on the phone, BENTON to the BBC and YATES trying to find the BRIGADIER.) SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) Now listen, this is an official call from UNIT... CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into phone.) Yes, but gone on to where? SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) United Nations Intelligence Taskforce. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into phone.) Because it's urgent. SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) Look, I warn you, if you're withholding information... CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into phone.) ... you will ring me back? SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) But you must know something? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into phone.) Right then, I'll ring you...in ten minutes. SERGEANT BENTON: (Into phone.) Well, find out and ring me back at this number. (BENTON puts his phone down) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into phone.) No, make it five. (YATES also finishes his call and looks up at BENTON.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Anything? SERGEANT BENTON: No, sir. You? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: No. The Brigadier went on somewhere after dinner. No one knows quite where. ANNOUNCER: (OOV: On television.) We're sorry for this interruption in our outside broadcast from Devil's End but we still can't get through to our unit... CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Oh, this is stupid! ANNOUNCER: (OOV: On television.) Just as soon as we have some news... CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: I've a good mind to go down there and find out for myself. SERGEANT BENTON: The Brigadier'd go spare, sir! I mean, we might get news at any minute. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Oh yes, sure, and in the meantime what's happening to Jo and the Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (NIGHT) (The DOCTOR lies on a table in the bar of "The Cloven Hoof", still in a frozen state. DR. REEVES finishes his examination watched by a near hysterical JO. Also there are WINSTANLEY and BERT and the last of the regulars.) DR. REEVES: Too late, I'm afraid. He's gone, just like the Professor. JO: No...no, he can't be dead! DR. REEVES: I'm sorry. JO: Oh, please, you must do something! DR. REEVES: I can't work miracles, you know. He's very nearly a solid block of ice. (JO falls sobbing into WINSTANLEY'S arms. DR. REEVES makes a final check.) WINSTANLEY: (To JO.) Oh, there, there. I'm sorry, my dear, there's nothing we can do. DR. REEVES: I don't believe it... WINSTANLEY: What? (DR. REEVES turns to BERT.) DR. REEVES: Get some blankets and some hot water bottles - lots of them. (BERT nods and moves off.) JO: He's alive then! DR. REEVES: It's possible but I think I felt a pulse. JO: Oh, then there's a chance? DR. REEVES: Maybe. He must have the constitution of an ox to be able to survive a reduction of temperature like that. (He applies his stethoscope to the DOCTOR'S chest.) WINSTANLEY: He doesn't look all that tough. DR. REEVES: You can't always tell by... (He moves the stethoscope across the DOCTOR'S chest.) DR. REEVES: Hello? JO: What? DR. REEVES: Silly really, I swear it sounds as if he's... WINSTANLEY: What? (He takes the stethoscope off.) DR. REEVES: It's quite ridiculous. It must be an echo off an atypical bone structure. WINSTANLEY: Sounds as if what? DR. REEVES: As if he had two hearts...one on each side? (BERT returns with some blankets.) BERT THE LANDLORD: Doctor? (REEVES and JO start to cover the DOCTOR with the blankets.) DR. REEVES: Fine, fine, now more if you've got them. JO: He's going to be all right then? DR. REEVES: There is a chance. WINSTANLEY: Cheer up! While there's life there's hope, right? (JO nods and turns to BERT.) JO: Look, have you got a telephone I could use, please? BERT THE LANDLORD: In the corner. JO: Oh yes, thank you. (JO moves off towards where BERT has indicated.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. UNIT HQ. DUTY ROOM (NIGHT) (Soon, MIKE YATES is speaking to her...) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into phone.) And is he all right now? [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (NIGHT) JO: (Into phone.) Well, touch and go, I think Mike. Look, can you get down here right away? [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. UNIT HQ. DUTY ROOM (NIGHT) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into phone.) Yes, of course. We'll come down in the chopper as soon as it's light. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". (NIGHT) (In another part of the pub, a knife is cut through the phone line...) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. UNIT HQ. DUTY ROOM (NIGHT) (MIKE YATES hears the phone go dead...) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into phone.) Hello? Jo? Can you hear me? (To BENTON.) Blast! We've been cut off. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (NIGHT) (The area around the barrow is now almost in darkness. PC GROOM watches as a final jeep from the TV crew drives out of the field from the site of the broadcast and stops next to him. HARRY leans out of the passenger window.) HARRY: Well, that's the last of us. Thanks for all your help. PC GROOM: Happy to oblige, sir. HARRY: (Nervously.) Well, I can't wait to get away myself. Don't envy you. PC GROOM: Oh, that's all right, sir. Just a bit of night duty. I enjoy a bit of peace and quiet. HARRY: Well, you're welcome to it, mate. Anyway, I'm away. 'Night. PC GROOM: Bye, sir. (The jeep drives off into the night. Left behind, GROOM closes the gate and secures it. He then uses a small rock to hammer a hastily painted sign to the gate which reads "DANGER - KEEP OUT". This task done, he reaches into a small bag and takes out a packet of sandwiches which he starts to unwrap. Behind him in the field, the canvas entry to the barrow still stands although two planks have been hammered over it in an X-type barrier. Within the entry, two red points of light, like eyes, appear and look out into the night...) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". GUEST ROOM (It is the next morning. The DOCTOR lies on a bed in one of the pub's guest rooms. He is still unconscious although the colour has returned to his face and he no longer lies in a stiff position but at ease. JO opens the curtains, switches off a bedside lamp and resumes her vigil by the DOCTOR'S bed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (The MASTER has divested himself of his satanic red robes and now stands in the cavern in his dress of a vicar. He stands over the symbolically painted stone and checks his watch. He then moves to the altar, bows his head, closes his eyes and starts muttering an incantation under his breath.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (At the barrow, PC GROOM drinks a cup of tea as he continues his watch in the morning sunlight. Suddenly, the ground starts to shake as if disturbed by a series of gigantic steps. He looks round...and up at something that looms high above him. A look of alarm appears on his face as a shadow falls over him. With a grunt of alarm he falls...) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (The MASTER'S eyes snap open. He smiles and walks out of the cavern.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. COUNTRYSIDE (The UNIT helicopter flies through the skies towards the village. Inside YATES and BENTON have changed out of uniform and are in civvies. BENTON pilots the craft.) SERGEANT BENTON: Soon be there, sir. (YATES nods and looks out.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Hello, what's that? SERGEANT BENTON: Must be the dig. (YATES looks to the ground where there are a series of gigantic indentations crossing a field.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: No, beyond that. A line of...they couldn't be hoofmarks, could they? They're enormous. SERGEANT BENTON: Shall we go and see, sir? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Better. (The helicopter lands and the two men get out and examine the ground.) SERGEANT BENTON: They are you know, sir. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Hoofmarks? They can't be! The animal that made these would have to be at least thirty feet tall. SERGEANT BENTON: Well, whatever it is, it's gone into that wood over there. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Well, it'll have to wait. (He starts heading back to the helicopter.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Come on, first things first. (BENTON follows him.) SERGEANT BENTON: What, like breakfast you mean, sir? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: No, I don't - I mean Jo and the Doc. SERGEANT BENTON: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". GUEST ROOM (JO is dozing in the DOCTOR'S room. The sound of the helicopter overhead wakes her up. She runs to the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (The helicopter lands on the deserted village green. JO looks out from the pub window and smiles in delight.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". GUEST ROOM (She takes a quick look at the DOCTOR and rushes from the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. VILLAGE GREEN (YATES and BENTON climb out of helicopter and look round. There is no one in sight.) SERGEANT BENTON: Well, where's the red carpet then? And the brass band? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: After last night, I reckon they all deserve a lie-in. SERGEANT BENTON: Well, there's the pub, sir. (BENTON points at the building and they see JO come out and wave to them.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: And Jo. (They walk towards her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (JO leads the two men into the pub. YATES takes his jacket off.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Are you sure you're all right now? JO: Yes thanks, honest. Boy, am I glad to see you two. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: And the Doc? JO: Upstairs. Better I think, but he's still out cold. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Oh, he'll pull through. You know what a tough old bird he is! SERGEANT BENTON: Anyway, you're both safe - that's the main thing. JO: (Nervously.) Well, I don't think there's any danger in here - but out there... CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Look Jo, what is going on? JO: I don't know, something...really bad, you know... CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Well, how do you mean? JO: (Embarrassed.) Well, you know...devilish. SERGEANT BENTON: Look sir, if you don't need me here, I'd like to make a quick recee of those tracks. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Unhappily.) Oh... SERGEANT BENTON: Look, fifteen minutes, say twenty? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Right - but at the first sign of trouble, straight back here. SERGEANT BENTON: Right. (BENTON heads for the door.) JO: Do be careful, Sergeant Benton. SERGEANT BENTON: Don't you worry, Miss. (To YATES.) Oh, and don't forget to contact the Brigadier, sir. (He leaves the pub.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Ah! I'd forgotten all about him! [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. BRIGADIER'S BEDROOM (Still in bed, clad in blue pyjama's, the BRIGADIER makes a call from his bedside phone to UNIT HQ.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) The Doctor's gone? Gone where? (He listens.) Well you should know, corporal. I want to talk to him. (Listens.) What? Oh, all right then, wake up Miss Grant. (Listens.) I see, and I suppose she didn't leave a number either? (Listens.) I suppose it wouldn't do any good to ask for Captain Yates or Sergeant Benton? (He hears the answer. He sits up in anger and shouts down the phone...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) My helicopter! Where to? (He listens, then thoughtfully.) Devil's End... (Listens.) Yes, yes I see. Get my car here right away. (Listens.) Yes, and if they do contact you, tell them to stay put. [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. VILLAGE CHURCHYARD (BENTON makes his way through the village churchyard in the morning sunshine. He hears a faint voice crying for help.) MISS HAWTHORNE: (OOV.) Help! Help! (BENTON stops and looks round.) MISS HAWTHORNE: (OOV.) Help! Let me out of here! (The voice seems to be coming from beyond a side door in the church. He runs towards it, opens the door and enters.) MISS HAWTHORNE: (OOV.) Help! Help! [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. CHURCH. VESTRY MISS HAWTHORNE: (OOV.) Oh, let me out... (The voice is coming from a large chest in the corner. BENTON quickly opens the lid revealing MISS HAWTHORNE tied up inside with her hands bound.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Who are you? Friend or foe? SERGEANT BENTON: Friend, I hope, ma'am. (He helps her to sit up and starts to untie her hands.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, oh, oh, very perfect gentle knight! SERGEANT BENTON: What? MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh well, your damsel in distress may be a bit long in the tooth, but...she's very grateful. SERGEANT BENTON: Yes well, you're lucky I heard you. (He finishes untying her hands.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Who are you? SERGEANT BENTON: Benton - Sergeant Benton. What happened? MISS HAWTHORNE: Police Sergeant? SERGEANT BENTON: No - army. Now who put you in here? MISS HAWTHORNE: Garvin - the verger. (He helps her to her feet and out of the chest.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Now, we must...we must get the police at once. Oh, oh, may name's Olive Hawthorne, by the way. How do you do? (They shake hands.) SERGEANT BENTON: How do you do. Look, what is going on here? All hell seems to be breaking loose. MISS HAWTHORNE: Do you know, sergeant, you're exactly right. Come on. (She goes to the door leading to the outside. She looks out and shushes the SERGEANT.) SERGEANT BENTON: What is it? [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. VILLAGE CHURCHYARD (GARVIN can be seen walking through the churchyard towards the church itself.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. CHURCH. VESTRY MISS HAWTHORNE: Garvin - the one who tied me up. (She quietly shuts the door.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Quick! (BENTON heads towards one door but MISS HAWTHORNE pulls him back and heads for the door leading towards the cavern.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Hide down here 'til he's out of the way. (They go into the cavern...) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (...and down the steps. MISS HAWTHORNE leads the way to the back of the cavern but stops suddenly.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Goodness! SERGEANT BENTON: What? What is it? MISS HAWTHORNE: The gargoyle - it's gone! (And sure enough, the plinth is now empty of the stone gargoyle. The suddenly hear a noise at the door.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Shh! (She pulls BENTON to the back of the cavern and they hide behind a pillar near one of the displays. GARVIN walks into the cavern, looks round momentarily and leaves a quickly.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Better wait 'til he's gone. (They wait a moment and then step out. BENTON spots the painted stone.) SERGEANT BENTON: Here what's this? MISS HAWTHORNE: The sign of the evil one. (BENTON reaches down to touch it.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Keep away! (She pulls him back.) SERGEANT BENTON: (Exasperated.) For goodness sake! MISS HAWTHORNE: You know who's at the bottom of all this? SERGEANT BENTON: No - who? MISS HAWTHORNE: The Reverend Mr. Magister. SERGEANT BENTON: Who's he? MISS HAWTHORNE: The vicar, so called. But he's an imposter. SERGEANT BENTON: Oh, yeah. MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, I should have realised at once. Magister is the name given to the leader of a black magic coven. SERGEANT BENTON: Black magic? That stuff died out years ago. MISS HAWTHORNE: Do you know when the last Witchcraft Act was repealed in this country? 1951 - why, it's as alive today as it ever was. SERGEANT BENTON: Yes, well... MISS HAWTHORNE: I'm sure it's safe now. GARVIN: That's what you think! (GARVIN is stood on the steps, shotgun in hand. MISS HAWTHORNE jumps back as GARVIN approaches. BENTON raises his hands but walks towards the verger.) GARVIN: Right, on your way - move. (BENTON turns as if he is willing to be led away, but kicks back, knocking the shotgun's barrel upwards. He jumps GARVIN and the two men wrestle for the gun. GARVIN pushes BENTON back and manages to throw him over his shoulder. As GARVIN picks up the gun, BENTON kicks him in the stomach and jumps back up, pushing the gun out of the man's hands. As MISS HAWTHORNE watches, GARVIN manages to push BENTON back until he is stood on the painted stone. Immediately, the air is filled with a noise like a speeded up screeching and BENTON twists and cries out in agony as if he is being assailed by an invisible force. MISS HAWTHORNE is desperate to help and chooses the right moment to pull BENTON free of the stone. The soldier lies almost unconscious on the floor.) GARVIN: All right - on your feet. MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, don't be stupid. Can't you see he's half unconscious? GARVIN: Somebody'll have to help him then, won't they? MISS HAWTHORNE: Yes... (She reaches down and pulls an extremely groggy BENTON up, putting one of his arms across her shoulder.) MISS HAWTHORNE: (To BENTON.) Come on. GARVIN: Right, come on - this way. (They are led out of the cavern at gunpoint.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". GUEST ROOM (JO and MIKE YATES are leaning over the DOCTOR'S bed. MIKE is trying to bring him round.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Doctor? Doctor, wake up! JO: You see? He's been like that for hours. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Well, shouldn't he be in hospital? JO: Well, Doctor Reeves said that we shouldn't move him. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Sighs.) Then we'll just have to wait. [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. VILLAGE CHURCHYARD (GARVIN leads MISS HAWTHORNE and her heavy burden out of the church but something is waiting outside. A red haze fills the air and a strong wind blows the trees. Sounds like thunder crash and as MISS HAWTHORNE struggles away with BENTON, GARVIN looks upwards and sees something that causes him to raise his shotgun towards it in panic. MISS HAWTHORNE and a still groggy BENTON manage to make it round the corner of the church and shelter behind a gravestone as heavy footsteps approach GARVIN. He fires both barrels of his shotgun at the thing which he sees and is instantly vaporised into nothingness by a shot of fire which also sets light to the foliage near to where he was stood.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". GUEST ROOM (In the pub, the air shimmers with heat caused by the being in the churchyard. The room shakes and objects break as they fall to the floor. JO and MIKE are thrown across the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. CHURCH. CAVERN (The being has made it down into the cavern and heads round a corner and towards the symbolic stone. It seems to shrink down into the stone itself...) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". GUEST ROOM (...and with that, the heatwave and earth tremor both cease. JO and MIKE pick themselves up off the floor.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: All right? (Suddenly, the DOCTOR sits bolt upright...) DOCTOR: Eureka! [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. VICARAGE HALLWAY (The MASTER gazes exultantly upwards...) MASTER: Azal! I welcome thee! [SCENE_BREAK] 37: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (A blue van travels along a country road. The ground suddenly starts to shake causing the BAKER'S MAN who is driving the van to panic and screech the vehicle to a halt at the side of the road. As a rumbling starts to increase, he dashes out of the van, holding his ears against a roaring noise which gathers in pitch to a deafening roar. Suddenly the sound disappears. The BAKER'S MAN takes his hands away from his ears and then watches astounded as his van is suddenly consumed in a fireball. Another noise fills the air - one like a brisk wind as the van continues to burn.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (The DOCTOR, dressed in his coat and cloak, leads the way down the stairs into the main part of the pub, rubbing his neck gently. JO is still concerned.) JO: Now you're sure you're all right? You'd better come and sit in this chair over here. Come on. (She tries to lead him towards a chair but he resists.) DOCTOR: Jo...Jo, please, stop fussing. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: She's right you know. Better take it gently. DOCTOR: Look, I tell you, I am perfectly all right. It was a parky up there for a while, I'll admit, but it soon warmed up. JO: That wave of heat? DOCTOR: Yes, the final confirmation of my theory. JO: You mean you know what caused it? DOCTOR: Yes, I think so. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Tell us then. DOCTOR: No, not just yet. I want to wait until I'm absolutely sure. Right, I'm going back up to the dig. JO: Doctor, haven't you had enough of that place? (As the DOCTOR heads for the door, an amazed BERT comes out of a back room.) BERT THE LANDLORD: Hello? You better? I thought you'd had it. DOCTOR: Fortunately, no. (To MIKE.) Captain Yates, you'd better wait here, all right? (The DOCTOR heads for the door again, but before he can reach it, it bangs open and MISS HAWTHORNE enters still half carrying a near unconscious BENTON. All stand amazed.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, If I drop him, he'll go with a most dreadful wallop! (The DOCTOR and MIKE rush to help her.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: He's out on his feet! DOCTOR: Get him over to that bench - quickly! BERT THE LANDLORD: Here, what's happened to your boy? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: He's been beaten up - by an expert, I'd say. (MIKE helps MISS HAWTHORNE push BENTON onto a bench.) MISS HAWTHORNE: (Exhausted.) Oh, you might indeed say that! You might indeed. SERGEANT BENTON: Oh, no... (MISS HAWTHORNE collapses into a seat.) MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh dear, he's a very heavy young man! BERT THE LANDLORD: I'll get a doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, it's all right - I am a Doctor. (JO smiles in pride as the DOCTOR starts to examine BENTON. He is covered in cuts and bruises and grimaces in pain.) SERGEANT BENTON: Ahh... DOCTOR: Well, there are no bones broken or anything. Look could you get me some hot water and some hot sweet tea, perhaps? BERT THE LANDLORD: Yes, ... (BERT moves off.) DOCTOR: Thank you very much - and thank you too, Miss Hawthorne. MISS HAWTHORNE: You know who I am? DOCTOR: Yes, of course. It's a great pity they didn't listen to you in the first place. MISS HAWTHORNE: If only they had. SERGEANT BENTON: Ohh... MISS HAWTHORNE: (Smiles.) Oh, what a tale I'll have to tell them now! [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. VICARAGE HALLWAY (The MASTER is taking a telephone call. It is not news that he is happy to receive.) MASTER: (Into phone.) Both alive are they? (He listens.) And the others? (Listens.) I see. (Listens.) Very well, they'll all be dealt with. Now you'd better get back inside before they become suspicious. (He slams the phone down in anger.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (Watched by the DOCTOR, JO bathes BENTON'S bruises as MIKE questions MISS HAWTHORNE.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: This fellow, Garvin, who did him over... MISS HAWTHORNE: (Irritated.) No, no, no, it was the elementals in the cavern! DOCTOR: (Puzzled.) Elementals? MISS HAWTHORNE: Yes, creatures of the devil. (They all look at her.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: Did you say the devil? MISS HAWTHORNE: Yes, dear boy - Satan, Lucifer, the prince of darkness, Beelzebub, the horned beast, call him what you like - he was there! DOCTOR: (Astounded.) You saw the devil? MISS HAWTHORNE: Yes. DOCTOR: And what did he look like? MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh, well, it was a glimpse - no more. Twenty, thirty feet high, but the horns were there...and the face... JO: (Aghast and frightened.) The devil! DOCTOR: DOCTOR: Look, Miss Hawthorne, I agreed with you from the first about the danger, but now I think you're utterly mistaken. Whatever else you saw it certainly was not the devil. MISS HAWTHORNE: But it was! There's a Satanist cult in this village and last night they held a sabbat. CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: A sabbat? MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh yes, an occult ceremony to call up the devil. JO: And it worked! The devil came! DOCTOR: Nonsense, Jo! Miss Hawthorne, who is the leader of this cult? MISS HAWTHORNE: The new vicar - he calls himself Magister. (And the DOCTOR realises all...) DOCTOR: (Whispers.) Magister! Yes, of course, I should have known! JO: What? (BERT watches intently from the back of the bar.) DOCTOR: Jo, did you fail Latin as well as science? (JO hangs her head.) DOCTOR: Magister is the Latin word for Master! (JO looks up and BERT'S face betrays his anger.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (The BRIGADIER'S staff car approaches the BAKER'S MAN who stands in the road, waving his arms. The car stops and the BRIGADIER leans out of the passenger window.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What's up? BAKER'S MAN: I wouldn't go any further, mate, look what's happened to my van! (The BRIGADIER and his driver sergeant get out of the car and approach the van.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Petrol tank? BAKER'S MAN: No, it just went up in a flash. (The three walk round the van. They stand before a strip of burnt earth, some two feet wide which cross the road at their feet. The van lies on this strip of earth.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: During the earth tremor's was it? BAKER'S MAN: No, just after it stopped. I was about to get back in and drive back to the village and bingo! - off it went. (The BRIGADIER looks across the fields.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Is that Devil's End over there? (He points with his swagger stick, which now enters the airspace immediately above the burnt earth - the stick bursts into flames! The three men jump back with shock. The BRIGADIER gingerly holds up his stick again and the effect is the same.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Must be some sort of heat barrier! We'll try getting in from the south. (He and his sergeant rush back to the car leaving a puzzled BAKER'S MAN behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: EXT. ROAD (The DOCTOR and JO have made it back to the road at the point where a branch blocked Bessie's progress the night before.) DOCTOR: Right. (They both grab the branch and heave it to the side of the road.) DOCTOR: Get the saw, will you? JO: Yes. (JO grabs a saw which they used to cut the branch into movable pieces and they both climb into Bessie. The DOCTOR starts up the car and they drive off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: EXT. FARM ROAD (The BRIGADIER'S car approaches the village from another direction. It stops and the BRIGADIER and his driver approach a strip of burnt earth identical to that on the previous road. This one goes right over the roof of a concrete out-building. The air is again filled with the high-pitched sound of a brisk wind. The BRIGADIER picks up a stick and throws it into the barrier. It explodes in a puff of smoke on contact.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To the driver.) Right, that settles it. We'd better try and raise the Doctor. (He goes back to the car to get his radio...) [SCENE_BREAK] 44: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR (...and is soon receiving an update from YATES.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into radio.) And, er, that's about it, sir - over. [SCENE_BREAK] 45: EXT. FARM ROAD BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) I see, Yates. So, the Doctor was frozen stiff at the barrow and was then revived by a freak heatwave, Benton was beaten up by invisible forces and the local white witch claims she's seen the devil? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Over radio.) Yes, sir. I know it sounds a bit wild... BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) It does indeed, Yates. Now listen, I'm bringing up some men to investigate this heat barrier. Let me talk to the Doctor. Over. [SCENE_BREAK] 46: INT. "THE CLOVEN HOOF". MAIN BAR CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into radio.) I'm afraid you can't, sir. He's gone up to the dig with Jo. Over. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Over radio.) I see. Well Yates, anything further revelations? (YATES glances at MISS HAWTHORNE and BENTON who are sat drinking tea nearby. He smiles to himself.) CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Into radio.) Just one, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 47: EXT. FARM ROAD BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) Well, what is it? CAPTAIN MIKE YATES: (Over radio.) We've found out who's at the bottom of all this - it's the Master. Over and out. (The BRIGADIER'S lips purse and he slams home the aerial on his radio.) [SCENE_BREAK] 48: INT. VICARAGE HALLWAY (The MASTER stands in front of a tapestry picture of a scripture quote which reads "Nothing in my hand I bring". His face is dark.) MASTER: Still alive are you, Doctor? Very well. (He closes his eyes and starts to mutter an incantation. There is a sound of demonic energy and then the noise of flapping wings. The MASTER goes up some stairs to a landing and looks out of the window as something outside flies up into the air...) [SCENE_BREAK] 49: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (Bessie shoots down a road at high speed and approaches the barrow. The car stops and the DOCTOR and JO run out to where the body of PC GROOM lies crushed under the remains of the gate. The DOCTOR briefly examines the man.) DOCTOR: Ah, poor fellah. JO: Do you know what killed him? DOCTOR: Well it certainly wasn't the devil - at least not exactly. JO: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Look, I'm going in. Would you prefer to wait outside? JO: No. I'd rather stick with you - if I wouldn't be in the way. DOCTOR: No, of course not. I'd be glad of the company. Come on. (They step over the now dislodged planks at the entrance to the barrow and walk down the canvas tunnel. After they have gone, a creature rises up out of sight on the other side of the barrow. With a hideous face and horns, complete with wings on its back, it is the living stone gargoyle missing from the cavern - BOK.) [SCENE_BREAK] 50: INT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW. INNER CHAMBER (The DOCTOR and JO go through the hole in the wall and into the inner chamber of the barrow. The DOCTOR has a torch and plays it over the round stone wall of the chamber.) JO: What are you looking for? DOCTOR: If my theory's right, we're all in mortal danger. JO: Everyone in the village? DOCTOR: Everyone in the whole world. (The DOCTOR shines the torch round and spots something.) DOCTOR: Ahh... (He goes over to a small bump on the floor, JO following.) [SCENE_BREAK] 51: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (Outside, BOK the gargoyle scampers down the side of the barrow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 52: INT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW. INNER CHAMBER (The DOCTOR pushes away soil and reveals a metallic object.) JO: What is it? DOCTOR: Metal. JO: It looks like a model spaceship. DOCTOR: That's right. Except that it isn't a model. JO: What is it then? DOCTOR: Jo, look at the shape of this tomb. (He shines the torch round on the shape of the walls.) JO: Well, it looks like that spaceship. DOCTOR: A different size, that's all. Now you try picking it up. (JO crouches down and tries to pick up the metal object.) JO: I can't. It's fixed down. DOCTOR: The reason why you can't pick it up is that is weighs...oh, about seven hundred and fifty tonnes, at a rough guess. JO: Oh, come on, be serious! DOCTOR: Be serious? All right. About a hundred thousand years ago... [SCENE_BREAK] 53: EXT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW (Bristling with demonic power, BOK shoots into the canvas tunnel...) [SCENE_BREAK] 54: INT. DEVIL'S HUMP BARROW. INNER CHAMBER (And comes roaring into the inner chamber. The DOCTOR and JO leap back as the creature rushes for them...)

Plan: A: the Doctor; Q: Who is frozen by the energy release from the barrow? A: Jo; Q: Who calls Yates and Benton for help? A: the Brigadier; Q: Who finds the village surrounded by a heat barrier? Summary: With the Doctor frozen by the energy release from the barrow, Jo calls Yates and Benton for help, but when the Brigadier tries to join them he finds the village surrounded by a heat barrier.

THE MASQUE OF MANDRAGORA BY: LOUIS MARKS Part One Running time: 24:31 [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Where are we now? DOCTOR: The TARDIS, where else? SARAH: I know we're in the TARDIS, I just don't know this bit. DOCTOR: I'll give you a guided tour someday. SARAH: What's in there? DOCTOR: Boot cupboard. Not very interesting. SARAH: Boot cupboard? It's enormous! DOCTOR: Oh, I've seen bigger boot cupboards. SARAH: Just how big is the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Well, how big's big? Relative dimensions, you see. No constant. SARAH: That's not an answer. DOCTOR: How big are you at the moment? SARAH: Five four, just, and that's still not an answer. DOCTOR: Listen, listen. There are no measurements in infinity. You humans have got such limited little minds. I don't know why I like you so much. SARAH: Because you have such good taste. DOCTOR: That's true, that's very true. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Oh, this looks good. DOCTOR: What? SARAH: Hey. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, it is good. Do you know, this is the second control room. You know, I could run the TARDIS just as easily from here as I could from the old one. Come to think of it, this was the old one. SARAH: That looks like a shaving mirror. DOCTOR: Yes, it is. DOCTOR: Ah ha. SARAH: What? What's that? DOCTOR: It's the Mandragora Helix. I thought we'd avoided it. SARAH: Oh. What's the Mandragora Helix? DOCTOR: It's a spiral of pure energy that radiates outwards in ways no one understands, though at its centre there's a controlling intelligence. SARAH: Intelligence? DOCTOR: Yes. SARAH: We're heading straight for it. DOCTOR: Yes, it does seem more active than usual. Let's hope we can counter-magnetise enough to resist the pull. SARAH: Is it living? DOCTOR: It's living, all right, but that's all anyone SARAH: Oh! Something has hit us, Doctor! DOCTOR: We'll just have to push on and hope we come out the other side. SARAH: Oh, it's inside my head! DOCTOR: Concentrate, Sarah. SARAH: On what? DOCTOR: Anything, anything. Say the alphabet backwards. Come on. Z, Y, X SARAH: W, U, V, T, S SARAH: F, E, D DOCTOR: C, B, A. It's all over, it's all over. Any ill effects? SARAH: No, I don't think so. Are we there? DOCTOR: Where? SARAH: Where we're going. DOCTOR: I don't know. The Astrosextant rectifier has gone out of phase. I'll just go out and have a look. Not you, me. You stay there. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hmm. Bigger than my boot cupboard. ECHO: Bigger than my boot cupboard. SARAH: I see what you mean about relative dimensions. DOCTOR: Yes. I thought I told you to stay inside. SARAH: What's that noise? DOCTOR: What noise? DOCTOR: Come on, quick! Get down. DOCTOR: Come on, let's get out of here. SARAH: What was it? DOCTOR: Helix energy. It could have been very nasty. SARAH: What do you mean, could have been very nasty? It was. My ears DOCTOR: Will you stop whittering. [SCENE_BREAK] FEDERICO: Leave a few alive, Captain, to tell the others how insurrection is dealt with. [SCENE_BREAK] SOLDIER: Make way for Count Federico. [SCENE_BREAK] MARCO: He was a good man, Giuliano. A just and noble ruler. GIULIANO: Heironymous, you foretold my father's death. How? HEIRONYMOUS: Everything is foretold by the stars. I am just a humble astrologer. I only interpret their meaning. GIULIANO: The exact day, the very hour. It's not possible. HEIRONYMOUS: When Mars comes into conjunction with Saturn in the seventh layer, in the House of the Ram, and the moon is full grown, death comes to great ones. So it is decreed. GIULIANO: I don't believe it. HEIRONYMOUS: Many do not believe it, but the decrees of fate will be obeyed. We have no choice. GIULIANO: I'm sorry you couldn't be present at my father's deathbed, Uncle. FEDERICO: I came as quickly as I could. There were important matters of state to attend to. GIULIANO: I see. I'm sorry, I thought you were out enjoying some sport. FEDERICO: There was some trouble among the peasants in the villages. They needed a lesson. GIULIANO: Isn't that your sport, Uncle? MARCO: You're upset now, my lord, but don't anger your uncle. Not at this time. GIULIANO: If I don't speak the truth, Marco, who will? MARCO: You're alone now, Giuliano. Your uncle is strong and ruthless. GIULIANO: You're forgetting, Marco. I am Duke now, and I want to rule over a land where there is no tyranny, no lies, no blind ignorance and superstition like that old fool who preaches about the stars. We make our own lives, Marco, not the stars. MARCO: Nevertheless, it is most remarkable. Your father was in good health. To die so suddenly. And he did predict it, exactly. [SCENE_BREAK] FEDERICO: Oh, he angers me. The last obstacle between myself and the dukedom. HIERONYMOUS: Your nephew Giuliano? FEDERICO: How soon? HIERONYMOUS: You must be patient. FEDERICO: I've been patient. Now it is almost within my grasp. HIERONYMOUS: Nevertheless, so many deaths in so short a time, all so suddenly. FEDERICO: You said yourself it was written in the stars. Don't say you're doubting your own predictions? HIERONYMOUS: Giuliano has a sharp mind. He may suspect. FEDERICO: All the more reason to act quickly. One day, two days at the most. The poison is still ready? Well, what's wrong? HIERONYMOUS: These last few weeks, as the summer solstice approaches, I have been feeling FEDERICO: Feeling what? HIERONYMOUS: As if my powers were growing. As if I had been chosen to be granted visions of the future. FEDERICO: Ha! So many correct predictions have gone to your head. HIERONYMOUS: The stars will not be mocked! FEDERICO: And neither will I! Cast your horoscope, Hieronymous. The young Duke Giuliano will die in two day's time. I will do the rest. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Strange. Forced landing. SARAH: You mean you weren't in control? DOCTOR: Not that time. I didn't touch a thing. Promise. SARAH: Oh, it's very pleasant. Nice, warm. DOCTOR: Maybe that's why I stopped using the old control room. SARAH: Doctor, there's some fantastic oranges over here! DOCTOR: Helix forcefields must have distorted the coordinates. DOCTOR: We've landed on Earth. Glass technology indicates Mediterranean area. Late fifteenth century. Not a very pleasant time. Sarah? Sarah? Sarah? DOCTOR: Stop. DOCTOR: Now put the girl down. Gently. DOCTOR: Mandragora energy. And I brought it here. It got into the TARDIS. [SCENE_BREAK] MARCO: What is it? GIULIANO: Well, there's this man in Florence who claims that by arranging ground glasses in a certain order, it's possible to see the Moon and the stars as large as your hand. MARCO: Is that a good thing? GIULIANO: Well of course it's a good thing. That way we can learn more about them, understand their mystery. MARCO: What is there to know about the stars except how they move in the heavens, and we've known that for hundreds of years. GIULIANO: That's the whole point, Marco. Perhaps the stars don't move as we think they move. That's what this man in Florence is saying. Maybe the stars don't move at all. Maybe it's we who move. GIULIANO: It is customary to knock before entering a room, Uncle. FEDERICO: I'm sorry, Giuliano, but there's bad news. GIULIANO: Why? What's happened? FEDERICO: Tell him. HIERONYMOUS: Sire, forgive me, it is not of my doing, but this morning I was casting a horoscope GIULIANO: I've told you often enough, I don't believe in horoscopes. HIERONYMOUS: I only wish I too could not believe, but it was there too plainly to be ignored. GIULIANO: What was there? My death? HIERONYMOUS: Please, my lord, do not take these things lightly. I beg you not to leave the palace, take no risks of any kind. GIULIANO: I've no intention of sacrificing my life to some old superstitious nonsense. FEDERICO: Remember your father? He too scoffed. GIULIANO: Oh, yes. I remember my father. His death remains a mystery, but of one thing I am certain. It was nothing to do with the stars. GIULIANO: How are the troubles with the peasants, Uncle? FEDERICO: We think they are being stirred by spies sent by our enemies, but we shall catch them and make them pay for it. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Excuse me. I'm a traveller around here. I'm a stranger in these parts, and I was wondering if you'd seen a girl. She'd be about DOCTOR: She's a friend of mine. She'd be about five foot four and a half. ROSSINI: (Federico's Captain) Who are you? DOCTOR: I'm a traveller. ROSSINI: From where? DOCTOR: Have you seen a young girl, about five foot ROSSINI: Silence! DOCTOR: Probably with orange juice on her chin. ROSSINI: Your life is in peril. Produce your documents. ROSSINI: After him! Don't let him go! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Come on, this is ridiculous! Where are you taking me? Who are you? Say something? PRIEST: Release her. PRIEST: Where was she found? MONK: On the slopes of the hill of sorrows. PRIEST: At what hour? MONK: At the noon hour. PRIEST: Exactly as it was foretold. A maiden fair of face and sturdy of body. SARAH: You can forget the flattery. What do you lot want? PRIEST: It is written that some are conscious of the purpose for which they are chosen. Others are as innocent lambs. SARAH: Sorry? PRIEST: My child, the purity of your sacrifice renders it doubly welcome to the mighty Demnos, god of the twin realms of moontide and solstice. SARAH: Sacrifice? Now just a minute. PRIEST: Let her be prepared to receive the sacred blade. [SCENE_BREAK] ROSSINI: This is the man, sire. FEDERICO: I hear you led my ruffians quite a dance. DOCTOR: Oh, just a short gallop. It's good for the liver. FEDERICO: What is your name? DOCTOR: Huh? Er, Doctor. FEDERICO: Where do you come from? You wear strange garments. DOCTOR: Around. Around. FEDERICO: You're already tall enough, Doctor. You will answer my questions civilly and promptly or your body will be lengthened on the rack. DOCTOR: Please don't threaten me, Count. I've come here to help you. ROSSINI: Sire, let me punish this insolent dog. FEDERICO: Wait. The fellow interests me. How can you help me? DOCTOR: A wave of energy has been released, Count. It's part of the Mandragora Helix. It could do untold damage. And I must take it back to the stars. DOCTOR: Please. Please. Please. Please listen. Listen, please. I realise that must sound very strange to you. Let me put it this way. A ball of heavenly fire has come down to Earth. It could consume everything in its path. It could destroy the world. ROSSINI: His mind is afflicted, sire. It's the fall from the horse. FEDERICO: He professes sorcery. There is no gold for you in San Martino. My seer Hieronymous is the finest in the land. DOCTOR: Ask your seer Hieronymous if he's ever seen an energy wave. FEDERICO: Do you tell the future? DOCTOR: Sometimes. FEDERICO: Can you tell mine? DOCTOR: No. FEDERICO: Why not? DOCTOR: Because you don't have a future unless you listen to me. FEDERICO: Send Heironymous here. FEDERICO: If you are making sport with us, Doctor, we shall make sport with your body. Be warned. [SCENE_BREAK] SOLDIER: Hurry, hurry. The curfew. [SCENE_BREAK] HIERONYMOUS: Now, answer me this. What does it signify when Venus is in opposition to Saturn and a great shadow passes over the Moon? DOCTOR: This is all a great waste of time. FEDERICO: Answer him. DOCTOR: Well, it depends, doesn't it. HIERONYMOUS: On what? DOCTOR: On whether the Moon is made of cheese, on whether the cock crows three times before dawn, and twelve hens lay addled eggs. HEIRONYMOUS: What school of philosophy is that? DOCTOR: I can easily teach him. All it requires is a colourful imagination and a glib tongue. FEDERICO: And you, Doctor, have a mocking tongue. Prepare the execution. DOCTOR: But you haven't listened to a word I've said! GIULIANO: Who is that man? FEDERICO: A spy. GIULIANO: A most uncommon spy. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: No! No! PRIEST: You are blessed, my child. Few have the honour of serving the mighty Demnos so totally. When the Moon rises over the southern obelisk, your hour of glory will have come. Cup.

Plan: A: Sarah; Q: Who is the Doctor's companion in this episode? A: the Mandragora Helix; Q: What is the name of the entity that transports the TARDIS to 15th century Italy? A: the stars; Q: The Mandragora Helix exists among what? Summary: The Doctor and Sarah are drawn into the Mandragora Helix, an entity which exists among the stars and which transports the TARDIS to 15th century Italy.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] [Beach] Lucas : I guess I was wrong. I'm not the guy for you, Brooke Davis. [High School] Nathan : I traded the car for the bike and I made 200 bucks. (we see Nathan's accident.) [Lucas & Karen's home] Whitey : Your mom wants you back on the team. Karen : You have to stay on your medicaton, and we limit you to 15 minutes a night. [Nathan & Haley's home] Nathan (on phone) : A full scholarship. Tell Coach K I won't let him down. (Haley comes.) Nathan : Haley, I'm going to Duke ! Haley : I'm pregnant. [Rachel's home] Rachel : You're gonna be okay. Nathan : I think my dead uncle saved my life. (We Dan at home and in his office with tag on the wall.) Dan : I killed my brother. [In a bar] Rachel : He's a part-time model. You are a 23-years-old fashion designer named Peyton. Brooke : Very funny ! (The man comes.) Nick : Hi. Brooke : Hi, I'm... Peyton. (We see them kiss.) (We see Derek in his room with a lot of pictures of Peyton.) Lucas : Look, I just have a really bad feeling about this guy. Peyton : Leave me alone ! (Psycho Derek breaks the window and enter in Peyton's house.) Peyton : Oh God ! (He catches her and pushes her on the bed.) Psycho Derek : Don't you know we're supposed to be together ? (The real Derek appears) Psycho Derek : Who the hell are you? Derek : I'm her brother, bitch. (Psycho Derek falls from the window.) End of previously on. Lucas (vo) : Life comes at us from out of the darkness. (He knocks on Peyton's door) Lucas : Peyton ! Peyton. (She throws keys at him. He picks them up and enter. Peyton opens all the bolts on her room's door.) Lucas (vo) : And at times, we can struggle to find the courage to face it. (Lucas enters in her room. Peyton takes a paint pot.) Lucas : Thanks for almost braining me with the keys. (he sees the new decoration. Her room is white now.) Lucas : Wow... it's bright. Peyton (painting) : Yeah, well, Psycho Derek's still out there. I really haven't be able to sleep for 48 hours. I thought maybe I'd try to paint the shadows away. (Lucas is looking at her.) [Nathan and Haley leave their home] Haley : Can you talk to your mom? Maybe she can help. Nathan : Come on, Hales. You've seen my mom. She can't even help herself right now. Haley : I hate to say it but what about your dad? Nathan : Look, Hales, I know that we're in trouble financially right now but I'm gonna take care of it, I promise. As soon as the basketball season end, I'm gonna get a job, but I'm not gonna go to my dad for anything. Haley : Okay, I'm sorry,. It's just... we're gonna have a family soon and I guess I just need that guy from the press conference to tell me everything's gonna be okay again. Nathan : It will. Oh, and I know that we're gonna eventually need to get a car so i figured until then, you can ride with me. (he gives her a helmet.) Haley : I know you don't expect me to wear this. Nathan : Come on, it's so Garden State. Besides, you were the one that needed a helmet to ride a motorcycle... (The bike is taken by the pround.) Nathan : Hey ! Hey ! [High School - Corridor] Brooke : Hey. Rachel : Hey, girlie. Brooke : You are a full-on Genius. Rachel : I don't know why you even doubt me. Just bow down to the master. Brooke : Oh, bowing. I am so crushed out on model boy, or should I say model man? (she shows her earring) You like? Real, cultured, Tiffany's, courtesy of Nick. Rachel : So, I'm thionine you might be ovr Lucas right about now. Brooke : Well, let's see, the last thing Lucas gave me was a mix tape. Mix tape, earrings. Mix tape, earrings. I totally owe you one. (They enter in class.) Nick (writing on blackboard) : Come on, take your seats. I'm your new English teacher, Mr Chavez. (he turns round) Brooke : Nick ! Nick : Peyton ! Peyton (raising hand) : Here. (Nick and Brooke look at each other.) Brooke : I have to go to the nurse. I'm gonna be sick. (She leaves.) [High School - In toilets] (Rachel makes up, Brooke is angry.) Brooke : This is all your fault ! Well ? You skanked me into this. How about you help me out? Rachel : Hey, I am not the one that ditched my boyfriend to have my horns trimmed by our High school English teacher. Brooke : Oh ! Rachel : Although, I am kind of jealous. Brooke : Thank you. That is very constructive ! What am I supposed to do about it now, genius? I have to see him every day until I graduate. This is so embarrassing ! Rachel : Ok, look, he's probable just as embarrassed about the situation as you are. (Brooke looks at her) Okay, maybe not that embarrased. But bottom line, Brooke, you have to deal with him. Brooke : Deal with him? Deal with him how? Car crash, drowning? What do you suggest? Rachel : Brooke, why don't you just wait till school is over and that way you can talk to him alone? I mean, you can't skip school forever. Brooke : Oh really? Says who? What do I need stupid English for anyhow? (silence) Okay. Would you do me a favor and check the hallway to make sure the coast is clear? (Rachel goes to see if Nick is not here and sees Lucas and Peyton) Rachel : Actually, you might wanna wait a second. [At the same time, in the corridor] Lucas : Are we expecting an outbreak of stalkerazzi photographers or you just ashamed to be seen with me? Peyton : No. Everybody knows. (people look at her) I guess bad new travels fast. Lucas : Are you gonna be okay? Peyton : Everytime I close my eyes, I see him there, watching me and now I've got to come to school and deal with all of them watching me? Lucas : Did you try calling your dad? Peyton : No ! Look, I know he would come home the minute I called. But what's the point, okay? It's over. And there's probable, like, 100 police officers out there looking for Psycho Derek, so what's my dad gonna do? Lucas : Protect you. Peyton : I can take care of myself. Lucas : Hey, I know that. But it's okay to be afraid from time to time. Peyton : Really? What are you afraid of? Lucas : This morning I asked Whitey if I could play again. Peyton : That's great, Luke. Lucas : Yeah but with my heart condition it still doesn't change the fact that it's scary. Peyton : Well, then why are you playing? Lucas : 'Cause it's who I am. And you .. (he takes off her cap) need to be who you are. (Two girls look at her.) Girl: Close it. (They leave. Peyton gets back her cap and leaves too.) Peyton : I'm out of here. Lucas : Wait. Peyton, if you let this change you, he wins. Peyton : Maybe he wins. (She puts her cap back and leaves.) [High School - In courtyard] Mouth : Gigi. Gigi : Mouth, I was just thinking about you. Mouth : Good, you know, now that we made the play-offs, we got to step up our game for the webcast. Gigi : I'm gonna ask you out. Mouth : Huh did you just ask me out, like on a date? Gigi : No, not yet, but I'm going to. Just wanted to let you know. (She leaves. Mouth whispers.) [Out] (Nathan is waiting for bus. A car approaches and stops in front of Nathan. A man opens the window.) Man : What do we got here? The Raevns' star forward riding a bus. Someone wants to talk to you. (Another man opens back car's window.) Daunte : You know me? (Nate says no with his head) I know you. Nathan Scott. Tree Hill's best power forward in 15 years. You averags 28 points a game. You just recorded your 14th triple-double this year. That, plus a wicked jump shot puts your old man to shame. How am I doing so far? Nathan : Pretty good. Daunte : Daunte Jones. Nathan : Hey. Daunte : How come you're not signing with Duke? Nathan : I never said I wasn't. Daunte : Good anwser. The more important question is, are we gonna win State? Nathan : You can bet on it. (Daunte smiles) Daunte : I just might. You want a ride? Nathan : No, I'm good. Thanks. Daunte : All right, suit yourself. Let me give you some advice. Win State and go to Duke. This town's been waiting a long time for State title. Too long. Take care of that knee. (The car leaves.) [High-School - Coach's office.] (Dan arrives.) Dan : If you're not gonna coach, at least you could mentor the kid a little. It's a full ride to Duke. It's something he's been working for all his life. Whitey : I made that mistake with you I'm not gonna make it with Nathan. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a State Championship to win. Dan : What do you know about the art on my office wall? Whitey : « And he said, What hast thou done? The voice of thy brother's blood cries unto me from the ground? » Cain and Abel, Danny. I know my Bible. Question is, what's it doing on your wall? Dan : Probable a prank. It seems someone thinks I mistreated Ketih while he was alive. Whitey : We all have to atone for our sins. Dan : What's that supposed to mean? Whitey : It means judgment day's waiting for us all. (Silence) Dan : It's a good thing you pray, Whitey. (Dan leaves.) [High School - Corridor] (Brooke is waiting in front of Nick's class. Rachel arrives.) Rachel : What are you doing? Brooke : Just praying that he won't kill me. How does it look? Does it look mad? (Rachel looks at Nick.) Rachel : Yes, but in a hot way. Maybe I should talk to him for you. Brooke : Would you? Thanks. (She tries to leave but Rachel catches her.) Rachel : Not so fast. All right, look, I sort of have a lot of experience in this. He's gonna say you should have never lied to him and that it can't work 'cause of the age difference. Then he's gonna say there's no way you two can be together because he's your teacher, and then he's gonna yell a lot. But then it'll be over. Just remember, if he gets really mad, start crying. Works every time. See you in the quad. Good luck ! (She pushes her in the class. ) Brooke : Hi. Brooke Davis, 18, High school student. (she holds out her hand to him but he ignores her and goes to close the door. Rachel is disappointed.) Brooke : Okay hum. I know. I'm sorry. I should have told you the truth about how old I am and who i am but we met and we went out and I liked you. I just didn't know... (he kisses her.) Nick : You shouldn't have lied. Brooke : I know. Nick : We really can't do this, right? Brooke : Right. (She kisses him.) Nick : You said you were 23. Brooke : You said you were a model. Nick : Part-time but full-time, I'm your teacher, so we really can't do this. Brooke : Absolutely not. Nick : But if we were to do this, we'd have to make sure that no one knows. No one. Brooke : Not a soul.. If we were to do this. (they kiss) Nick : I won't tell if you won't. Brooke : Done. (They kiss again.) [High School - Gym] (Lucas is training, his guys enter in the gym) Skills : Look who all up in my house, dog. Lucas : Oh my God, you have one decent game and all of a sudden it's your house, huh? Skills : I heard a Rumor you might be coming off the benche in the play-offs. Fergie : Yeah, is that true, Luke? Lucas : It's true, my friends. I'm back. (Guys are glad) Skills : Okay. Me and my boy, back together again. Forty minutes a night in the big time. Lucas : Actually, Whitey's only giving me 15 minutes a game, you know, due to my heart condition. (Skills looks at Fergie and Junk then he takes jersey that Lucas gave him.) Skills : So, I guess you'll be wanting this back, huh? (Lucas takes it then he gives it back to Skills.) Lucas : It's a starter's jersey. You keep it. Skils : You sure? Lucas : Yeah, I'm sure. Skills : Cool. (he puts back the jersey in his bag) All right, look, game to 21. Make it, take it. (he throws his bag to Fergie) Or in your case, Mr 15-minutes-man, we gonna make the game 11. (He takes the ball.) Lucas : All right. (They start playing, Whitey is watching them.) [High School - Courtyard] (Mouth looking at Gigi who is with Rachel when Brooke arrives getting dressed again.) Brooke : Mouth, what are you doing? Mouth : Gigi wants to go out with me. Brooke : Gigi's cute. Mouth : Well, I don't really think about her in that way. I mean, I really don't even know her but I don't want to hurt her feelings. What should I do? Brooke : Oh, I'm not the Relationship expert these days, trust me. But you're smart, Mouth. You'll figure it out. Whatever you do, just be nice. (Gigi leaves, Brooke joins Rachel.) Rachel : So? Brooke : You were right. It was really intense. Rachel : So, it's over? Brooke : Hmm hmm. Yeah, it's over. (Rachel passes her hand in her back to comfort Brooke. Brooke is hiding to smile.) [Karen's Cafe] (Haley is on phone.) Haley : It's over the limit? (Karen looks at her) Are you sure? Can you just check again? Yeah. Okay. No, yeah. Hmm hmm. Thanks. (She puts the phone down) Karen : Everything okay? Haley : I tried t use our credit card this morning, and it was denied. And now the card company's telling me we're over the limit. (She sits down.) Karen : Have you talked about this with Nathan? Haley : Well, sort of, but he just says everything's gonna be okay. Karen, if we can't make ends meet now, what are we gonna do when the baby comes? Karen : Okay, all right, let's no panic. You know, if it's more hours of work you need, I can help you with that. You know, mornings before school and nights, whenever. Haley : Okay. Karen : If you need a shoulder to lean on or someone to talk to, I can help you with that, too. After all, I am the expert on teenage pregnancy. (Karen leaves. Haley is lost.) [Peyton's threshold house] (Peyton is drawing. Lucas comes.) Lucas : Pretty dark, don't you think? Peyton : I love you, Luke, but I've chosen darkness. Lucas : Well, I just wanted to come check up to you, girlie. How's your head? Peyton : Is it me? Am I the reason people always leave? Am I the reason all these things keep happening to me? Maybe I'm just destined to be alone. Lucas : It's not you and you're not alone. But eventually you're gonna have to be. Peyton : No, you're right. I can do it. Lucas : All right. But just in case, you have a key to my place and I'm just a phone call away. (She hugs him.) Peyton : Thanks. (Lucas leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Brooke and Rachel's house] (Brooke believes Rachel sleeps. She wakes up.) Rachel : Where are you going? Brooke : i just need to get a workout in, so I'm going for a run. Rachel : You're gonna have to run a marathon to take care of that ass ! (Brooke leaves and she exchanges clothes then she takes a ride with Nick.) [Lucas' room] (Lucas is spleeping when Peyton sits down on his bed. He opens his eyes.) Lucas : Hey. Peyton : Hi. I'm... I'm sorry. I tried. (she shows him keys, he smiles and takes her hand) Lucas : Have you talked to your brother? (She says yes with her head.) Peyton : He won't call me back. He's like a Marine or something. (Lucas smiles) Can I stay? (Lucas smiles again) Lucas : Sure. (She lies down close to him) [Rivercout] (Nathan's training. Two cars come. Daunte and his guy get out. Bear throws him the keys of Nathan's old car.) Daunte : Good thing the dealer was an old friend. Seems he was unaware that our star forward had a pregnant wife. Yeah, when he heard about your situation, he was happy to take the bike back in trade. (He shows him the keys) Nathan : Thanks, but I can't accept this from you, NCAA rules. Daunte : Nathan, it's your car. There's no money changing hands here. Just consider this the Tree Hill alumni lending a helping hand. Nathan : Is that what you guys calling yourselves these days, alumni? Daunte : Why'd you go ruin a perfectly good gesture by making me feel bad? Just take the car. (He throws him the keys) What am I gonna do with that piece of crap? (they smile) You know, Nate, us Ravens got to stick together. Nathan : Daunte. Thanks. (Daunte and Bear leave.) [Military Camp] (Soldiers sing their hymn when Lucas comes.) Derek : Squad, halt ! Left face ! Strauss, continue the run, please ! Strauss : Yes, Corporal ! (Derek joins Lucas) Lucas : I tried to call you. Derek : I know. Lucas : Look, it's Peyton. She's not doing well. Derek : And remind me why this is my concern? Lucas : She's your sister ! Derek : I don't even know her, and to be honest if the introduction was any indication of what her side of the family might be like, I'll pass. Lucas : Look, with Larry gone, you're the only family she's got. Derek : Look around you, Scott ! We deal with some pretty serious situations here, life-threatening type situations, so you'll have to excuse me if I don't have time for your high school drama. Lucas : Hey come on, man. She needs your help. I need your help. Derek : When I started my first tour overseas I made it a point to get to know all the guys in my unit because they also needed help. But it's a war and people die. So, after a while, I learned to stop getting to know the new guys. It was just easier that way. I'm sorry you made the trip, but I can't help you. Lucas : you'll travel halfway around the world to fight for a complete stranger, but you don't have it in your heart to fight for your own flesh and blood. (Lucas leaves.) [High School - Near the bus] (Haley comes running) Haley : Hey, sorry. Brooke : Haley, you're late. And where is Peyton? Haley : I know, I'm sorry. I had to close up the café. Peyton didn't even come to school today. I think cheering's out of the question. Brooke : Oh, well, she lets one little stalker into her life and we all get screwed, that's nice. Haley : Look, some of us actually have real problems. Brooke : Fine. How is she doing? Haley : Hoeselt, I don't think she's doing that well and it would kind of be nice if you knew that. Correct me if I'm wrong, didn't you guys used to be, like, best friends? I mean, when are you gonna end this? Brooke : Don't ask me, okay? I'm not the bitch who started it. Haley : Okay, well, while we're dealing with all things, Brooke, somebody left a message for you at the apartment about styling a fashion show or something. Brooke : What? Well, why didn't they just call me? Haley : I don't know. Maybe because you move from house to house like a little nomadic camel. I saved the message. Brooke : Thank you. Oh, Haley ! Just don't tell Peyton I asked about her, okay? Haley : Okay. (They get on the bus.) [High school - Coach's office] (Lucas Knocks on the door) Lucas : You wanted to see me, coach? Whitey : Yeah. Come on in, son. (Lucas comes in. Whitey gives him a new jersey.) Lucas : This is Keith's number. Whitey : I'm pretty sure he'd want you to have it. Taking your médications? Lucas : Yes, sir. Whitey : Good. You know, it took every ounce of strengh your mother has to come in here and ask me to take you back. (Lucas says yes with his head) She loves you that much, enough to put your dreams ahead of her fears. You got 15 minutes of game to make her proud. And a lifetime to make them both proud. (Lucas smiles and put his new jersey on him.) [High School - Gym] (The game started.) Mouth : All right, fans, the possession is under way. If the Ravens can win the next five games, they'll be State Champions. But lose one and the season is over. (Nathan scores.) Nathan Scott with authority. The triple threat of Antwon « Skills » Taylor and Scott brothers, Nathan and Lucas, are unstoppable. Ravens by 10. (Gigi smiles to him.) Lucas Scott has become the Ravens' secret weapon off the bench. They swing it over to Skills Taylor. Skills with the sweet River Court move, and he lays it in for two. (Skills scores.) Skills (to opposing player) : Smell like burnt white toast, baby. Mouth : Ravens, 84. Bear Creek, 62. The Ravens win and advance. Bear Creek's season is over. (We see Haley busy at the café. Brooke and Nick kissing in toilets.) [High school - Gym] (Next game. Girls encourage The Ravens.) Mouth : Folks, the Ravens look like the dominant force in these playoffs as the Scott brothers are on a roll. Luke works the ball to Skills. Skills with the alley-oop to Nathan, and Nathan drives it home. (Nathan scores. Daunte and Bear are here. Lucas scores.) Mouth : Long range from Lucas Scott. Ravens are up by 15 now, and is the magic number as Coach Durham calls it a night for number 22. (Lucas returns to the bench.) That also looks like the end of the road for the Cove City Cougars as the Ravens coast to an easy win. (Karen applauds) Gigi? Gigi : Dinner or a movie when I ask you out? (Mouth smiles) Mouth : And the Ravens advance to the State quarterfinals. [High School - Class] (We see Brooke and Nick in class. Rachel is watching them like she had understand their secret.) [Lucas' bedroom] (Lucas is with his computer on his bed. Peyton is lying down on the bed too. Lucas looks at her.) [High school - Gym] (Another game) Mouth : Skills Taylor brings the ball up court. He finds Nathan Scott with the no-look pass ! Nathan lays it in, and the Ravens have a huge lead. Whitey Durham can feel it. This one's over. (everybody is glad. Daunte and Bear are still here.) Don't look now, folks, but if Tree Hukk can win one more game, they'll be playing for the State Championship. (Daunte and Bear leave.) The fans are on their feet, and they should be. I'll tell you what, this could be the best Ravens team we've ever seen. (Lucas, Nathan and Skills hug each other.) [At Nathan & Haley's home] (They come in.) Nathan : Yes ! Haley : Yes ! One more game and we're in the State Championship. Nathan : Not so fast, Hales. I mean, we still got Verona and they're pretty tough. Haley : Oh yeah, but between you, Lucas and Skills, nothing can stop us now. (They hug, light goes off.) Oh maybe I spoke too soon. (she looks through the window.) Nathan, it's just our lights. What's going on? Nathan : Guess that was our third notive. Haley : Oh, God, Nathan. As much as I hate to say this, i really think it's time you talk to your dad. (She leaves, Nathan whispers.) [Dan's office](So Nathan goes talk to his dad...) Dan : I hope you're here to tell me you're signing with Duke. Nathan : I'm not here to talk about basketball. I'm having money problems, Dad. It's serious and I need your help. Dan : You know, Nathan, it broke my heart when you emancipated yourself and turned away from me as a father. God know I've tried to be there for you. But you're married, and you're a man now. My solemn wish for you is that you find your way but you're gonna have to do that on your own. Nathan : So you're saying you're not gonna help me, not at all. Dan : No, what I'm saying is, whenever I invest money, I look at the potential for return on that money. Right now, you're not an investment I'm interested in. Nathan : But I'm your son ! Dan : Really? I thought you were emancipated. Nathan : Thanks for nothing, Dad. (He leaves, Dan whispers.) [Karen's Cafe] (Haley comes in tears.) Karen : Haley. Haley : I don't know if I can have this baby, Karen. (Karen goes near) Karen : What do you mean? Haley : They shut the power off last night (she sits down) and I'm the only one of us with a job. And I'm pregnant and I'm pregnant and I'm in high school. And Nathan is this close to getting his basketball scholarship which he can't do that and have time for a job. And I really have no idea how this is gonna work out, Karen. Karen : Haley, when I was your age and I was pregnant with Lucas I didn't have two pennies to rub together. I didn't have any friends. I didn't have college. Matter of fact, I didn't even have a family. Haley : That doesn't really make me feel better, Karen ! Karen : Look at you. You have a great support system in friends and family. You have a future ahaed of you in college, but most of all, you have Nathan. (Haley starts crying) Sure, it's not gonna be easy but you got to have faith. Trust me. You can do this. You can do this. [Lucas's room] (Skills is reading on the bed while Lucas arranges his bag.) Skills : So, let me get this straight. You and Peyton just friends, right? Lucas : Huh huh. (Skills shows him Peyton's panties) Skills : I wish I had friends like that. (Lucas drink some water then we Knock at the door. He smiles and go to open.) Lucas : Derek, hey. Skills, this is Peyton's brother, Derek. (Skills stands up) Skills : Damn, who would have guessed Peyton's brother was a brother? (Lucas smiles.) Derek : Lance Corporal Sommers. Skills : Big Daddy Skills. Derek (to Luke) : I wanted to talk to you about... (Peyton comes.) Peyton : Luke... Derek : Peyton. Lucas : I'll leave you to it. Thank you. (He pulls Skills out) Peyton : I tried calling you. Derek : I wasn't sure I wanted to see you. Peyton : Like the first time I called you and you hung up on me. Derek : A simple « thank you » would suffice. Peyton : I was the victim, okay? It wasn't my fault. Derek : Well, there's your first problem, right there, thinking like a victim. Peyton : Don't. Don't judge me, 'cause you don't know the first thing about me. Derek : You're right. Let's change that. Take a ride with me. Peyton : Give me one good reason why I should. Derek : Because right now I'm the only family you got. And if you don't mind me criticizing your personal appearance, one of these days, you're gonna have to sleep. (She comes with him.) [Military camp] (They walk.) Peyton : You're not really what I expected. Derek : How do you mean? Peyton : Well, I don't know. I just expected someone... I thought you'd be more like... Derek : More white ! Peyton : No. That's not what I meant. Maybe it's the Marine part. Derek : My mother's African-American. And as far as the Marine go, this place saved my life. When I was just a little younger than you, my dad, our dad, he left me and my mom. Peyton : Well, figures. Psycho boy was right about one thing, got a deadbeat dad. Derek : It was Tough. She worked two jobs and that left me pretty much on my own. I started getting in trouble. Nothing horrible but nothing I'm proud of, either. What I didn't know at the time was that, I was just scared. This place showed me how to not be scared. Fear is like a disease, Sawyer. If you don't treat it, it'll eat you up. Peyton : All right, but guess what? The last Derek I trusted tried to kill me. Derek : I didn't say it would be easy. Do you think this is easy for me? I didn't ask for anyone new in my life. Peyton : Well, then why are you helping me? Derek : 'Cause your friend, Lucas, cared enough to convince me. And looking at you, I see that fear. But I also see strengh. Come on. (She follows him.) [Brooke & Rachel's house.] (Brooke ends a dress. Nick helps her.) Brooke : Just hold it up, okay? Nick : Remind me why I'm doing this again. Brooke : Because it's one of my dresses for TART. Nick : TART ? Brooke : Textile Art Road Tour. It's a touring fashion show to showcase new designers and a designer dropped out, and now I'm in but I'm running out of time, so chop-chop. Nick : And what do I get in return? Brooke : Well, you're helping me with my work, so I could help with yours. I could grade your important papers, give Peyton an F. (she smiles) Nick : I was thinking something a little more physical. Brooke : Is that all this is about for you, s*x? Nick : Of course not. Brooke : What is it, then? I mean nobody knows we're together, and all we do is sneak around. Not that there's anything wrong with sneaking around but... what's it about if it's not just s*x? Nick : I know it's not fair to you, Brooke. Maybe you're right. Maybe we should stop this. Brooke : You could do that? Nick : I don't wanna hurt you. (she pricks him with her needle) Oh ! Brooke : Care to revise that answer? Nick : How about this? In three months, you'll be done with school and then it dosent matter what anyone thinks. Then the world can know, and it'll be just about us, you and me. Brooke : Yeah, that's a good answer. You get an A. Now hold this ! [Military camp] (Derek takes Peyton near to a ring.) Peyton : Looks like we're a little early for Smackdown ! Derek : We have a boxing team on base. Peyton : Well, you better Watch out for my right hook. (They come up onto the ring) Derek : You think so? Peyton : Hmm hmm. Hey, thanks. Derek : Okay. Let's see it. Peyton (she smiles) : Right. Derek : I'm serious. Hit me. Peyton : Forget it. This is weird. Derek : The first step in Learning how not to be scared is knowing how to defend yourself. Come on, hit me. Peyton : I'm not gonna hit you, okay? (Silence. Derek pushes her.) Peyton : Derek. (he pushes her again) Stop ! (she tries to hit him but she misses him) Derek : Is that all you got? Punch me like you mean it, Sawyer. (she hits his hand) You hit like a girl. Peyton : I am a girl ! Derek : A weak, scared, defenseless little girl. (she hits him again.) Okay, Sawyer. So there's actually a real person in there. Again. Hands up ! Yeah, yeah. You scared, huh? You gonna act like a litlle baby and cry and stay in the house all the time? Peyton : No. Derek : Yeah? Peyton : Shut up ! Derek : Picture him, Peyton. Picture everything that hurt you and fight back. Yeah !(We see psycho Derek) Yeah ! Fight back ! Yeah ! Yeah ! Fight back. Yeah.(We see Ellie's death.) Yeah. Yeah ! (we see a draw with Jake and Jenny) Fight back ! Fight back ! Yeah. Yeah. Fight back ! (we see Brooke slaping her , Jimmy Edwards firing, and her mother's tomb.) Fight back. (We see Peyton and coke.) Yeah ! Fight back ! (We see Nikki slaping her and psycho Derek's attack) Peyton : Shut up ! (We still see the attack and Psycho Derek's fall. Peyton hugs Derek in tears.) [High School - Courtyard] (Gigi makes a wave to Mouth who doesn't know what to do with her.) Mouth (to Gigi) Hey. (to Brooke) : Okay, this Gigi thing is at DEFCON-5. You got to help me, Brooke. Brooke : Okay. The Blow-Off 101, let's review. One, you can't date her right now, but it's not her, it's you. Two, you're so messed up right now, she'd be miserable dating you. Three, there are way better guys she could have in her life. And four... Are you ready for this? Dating would ruin your really special friendship. (Mouth is looking at Rachel) But listen Mouth, if she gets bummed when you tell her you want to be good friends, then tell her you wanna be great friends, okay? Mouth? Are you listening? Mouth : It's okay. I've already heard this speech. (he joins Gigi. Brooke leaves.) Gigi : Hey, Mouth. Mouth : Gigi, I know you want to ask me out, but I don't want you to (Gigi seems disappointed) because I wanna ask you out. Gigi (she smiles) : Oh ! I'll have to think about it and get back to you. (She stands up, Mouth didn't expect that answer.) Gigi : Okay, I've thought about it, and I'd love to go out with you, Mouth. (Mouth smiles) Lucas (vo) : When life comes to rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with? Will it be someone you trust? [Nathan & Haley's home] (Nathan joins Haley in bed.) Haley : What are we gonna do, Nathan, if we... (lights go on) Nathan : I took care of it. Haley : I know that must've been really difficult for you to talk to your father. Thank you for doing that for me. (she takes his hand and puts it on her stomach) Thank you for doing that for us. [Dan's office] (he receives messages from an anonymous person) RE : REDRUM : Burning the midnight oïl, killer? GreatScott33 : Who is it? RE : REDRUM : I know what you did. (Dan is choked.) [Karen's Café] (Karen closes up, Haley hugs her) Lucas (vo) : Will they be wise? Karen : Oh, what's that for? Haley : 'Cause you were right. I have a great future and I have great friends. And I have the best husband. You know what I'm really thankful for? I have you. (Karen smiles. They hug again.) [Rivercourt] (Nathan is training when Daunte's car comes.) Daunte : How's our star player doing? Nathan : Good. And thanks, man. I know that was a lot of money but I'm gonna pay you back every cent. Daunte : Take your time. Just don't disappoint me out there, Nate. (Daunte leaves) Lucas (vo) : And will their love for you help them to guide you to the light? Or will they lose their way in the darkness? [Brooke & Rachel's home] (Brooke goes out secretly. But Rachel wakes up and sees her leave with Nick th rough the window.) Lucas (vo) : Will they make noble choices? Or that person be someone untested, someone new? [Peyton's room] (Peyton and Derek come in her room) Peyton : So you're leaving? Derek : I know we're related, Peyton, and maybe in another life we'd be closer, but I'm a Marine and you've got your own life. I can't be that guy for you. Peyton : Why not? Derek : I guess what I'm saying is I... I don't wanna be that guy. I'm sorry. (He leaves. Peyton closes the door and all the bolts. She looks scared.) [Ahead of Peyton's home] Derek : You can take a pass on tonight. She's gonna be fine. Lucas : You sure? Derek : No, but if you keep babying her, you'll never find out. Lucas : Look, you know, you should really get to know her. She needs someone special in her life, you know. Derek : She's already got someone special in her life. She has you. Thanks, Scott. (he gets into his car.) Lucas : So what, you're just gonna leave her? Derek : I didn't say that. I've got some experience with late-night guard duty, but she doesn't need to know that. She needs to know that she can do it alone. (Lucas smiles and looks at Peyton's room window then he leaves.) [Peyton's room] (She goes to bed...) Lucas (vo) : Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness. When it does, is there someone in your life you can count on? (Derek is still in his car looking at Peyton's room window) Derek : Come on, Peyton, you can do this. Lucas (vo) : Someone who will Watch over you when you stumble and fall and in that moment give you the strength to face your fears alone? (Peyton finally turn the light off.)

Plan: A: Nathan; Q: Who asks Dan for help with money problems? A: her new English teacher; Q: Who is the new man in Brooke's life? A: Peyton; Q: Who gets help from an unexpected source? A: Lucas; Q: Who returns to the Ravens? A: the playoffs; Q: What does Lucas help his team advance in? A: the state championship; Q: What do the Ravens advance to? A: an American folk song; Q: What is the episode named after? A: Lead Belly; Q: Who made the song famous? A: Nirvana; Q: What band covered the song? Summary: Nathan struggles with money problems and reluctantly asks Dan for help. Brooke learns the new man in her life is also her new English teacher. Peyton gets help from an unexpected source. Lucas returns to the Ravens just in time to help the team advance in the playoffs for the state championship. This episode is named after an American folk song made famous by Lead Belly and latterly covered first by Hole and then by Nirvana .

The Smugglers 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1. FITZROY SQUARE, LONDON, 1966 (A reprise is shown of the end of The War Machines Episode 4 in which the TARDIS dematerialises from Fitzroy Square, London in 1966. The series theme music ends.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. VORTEX (An image of the vortex is shown. The serial title appears on the screen over the image of the vortex.) THE SMUGGLERS (The serial title fades out. The writer credit appears.) by BRIAN HAYLES (The writer credit fades out. The episode title appears.) (The episode title fades out. The view falls back to show that the image of the vortex is being displayed on the TARDIS scanner.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. TARDIS, CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR is at the TARDIS console. Just before the DOCTOR activates the control to close the main doors, BEN and POLLY, the two people that helped him during the war machines crisis, enter into the console room. The DOCTOR is too occupied to notice BEN and POLLY. The console column starts to rise and fall as the TARDIS dematerialises. BEN and POLLY look about them at the impossibly large room.) POLLY: Good heavens! BEN: Blimey! Where did all this come from? Well, it was a police box, wasn't it? (The DOCTOR hears the intruders and turns around to face them.) POLLY: Ah... DOCTOR: What are you both doing in here?! (BEN holds up the spare key the DOCTOR had dropped outside of the TARDIS.) POLLY: Ah... You dropped your key. (The DOCTOR grabs the key from BEN.) DOCTOR: How dare you follow me into the TARDIS! BEN: The what? DOCTOR: The TARDIS, sir! This is a vessel for travelling through time and space! Why did you follow me?! POLLY: I... I'm... I'm terribly sorry if... if we've annoyed you, Doctor. It was my fault, I'm afraid. (BEN starts to examine the console.) BEN: Well, what's all this then... (The DOCTOR shoos him away.) DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) And stand back from those controls. Those controls are used for dematerialising. BEN: Dematerialising? What does that mean? DOCTOR: You and this young lady are experiencing it. You are now travelling through time and space. BEN: (Laughs.) Yeah, well, ah, make sure that I get back by teatime, Doctor. I've got to get back to me ship by tonight. DOCTOR: Young man, it's going to be a long time before you see your ship again. BEN: Ay? POLLY: Why? When are we going to land? DOCTOR: I don't know. That's the cause of half my troubles through my journeys. I never know. POLLY: Why not? DOCTOR: I have no control over where I land. Neither can I choose the period in which I land in. Oh, now... (The DOCTOR points to the scanner.) DOCTOR: ...you see that scanner? That is what I call a scanner, up there! We get a very good view from the outside. (The TARDIS starts to materialise. The scanner displays an image of the interior of a cave by the sea.) DOCTOR: Ah, yes. I think we're landed in some sort of caves. BEN: Yeah, well thanks for the home movies, Doctor, now if you'd just open these doors. DOCTOR: Wait, wait, wait, young man, we don't know where we are. We don't know if it's safe or what period we're in. BEN: Well, I'll take a little bet with you, ay? London, 1966, Fitzroy Square. (The DOCTOR checks the readings.) DOCTOR: Yes, I think it's quite normal. Yes, the temperature's all right. Well, I think you can leave, but watch your step. (The DOCTOR activates the control to open the main doors.) POLLY: (Sighs.) What a relief! You had me nervous for a minute, Doctor. Come on Ben. (BEN and POLLY walk through the main doors leaving the DOCTOR on his own.) DOCTOR: Oh dear, all this distraction. And I really thought I was going to be alone again. Hmm. (Sighs.) (The DOCTOR grabs his coat and checks the readings one final time. The DOCTOR leaves the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. CAVE (The outer doors of the TARDIS open. BEN and POLLY step out onto the beach, hardly believing their eyes.) BEN: Crikey! Look! (BEN points out the view to POLLY.) POLLY: Ben, I'm scared. What's happened to us? BEN: I don't know. Maybe he's some kind of hypnotist. Pinch me! (POLLY pinches BEN.) POLLY: Ow! Not that hard. (BEN turns back to the TARDIS to see the DOCTOR locking the door.) BEN: Hey, wait a minute. (The DOCTOR joins BEN and POLLY.) BEN: What did you do that for? DOCTOR: I never leave it unlocked, my boy. POLLY: Doctor, you must take us back. DOCTOR: I'm not going to take you back to London in the TARDIS. BEN: Well, you refuse, ay? DOCTOR: My dear young man... (BEN turns and begins to walk down the beach.) BEN: Oh, come on Polly, we'll find our own way back. (POLLY starts to follow BEN.) DOCTOR: Heh, heh. (Says to himself.) Well, I suppose I shall have to chase after them. Quite incapable of looking after themselves. Hmm. (The DOCTOR follows BEN and POLLY.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. CLIFF (The DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY manage to climb a cliff by following a path. Once at the top of the cliff they begin walking inland.) BEN: Look at this! POLLY: I don't believe it. Hey, isn't it exciting! (POLLY starts jumping up and down and running about.) BEN: Well, it might be if I wasn't so pushed for time. Come on! POLLY: But it's a super place. Whee! (Behind BEN and POLLY the DOCTOR is looking keenly about.) DOCTOR: Yes, I wonder. Ha, yes, I wonder. BEN: Crumbs! POLLY: Ben, it's smashing! BEN: It'd be a lot nicer with a few houses and a bus stop. Got any idea where we are? POLLY: Looks like Cornwall to me. BEN: Cornwall?! Are you sure? POLLY: (Using an old-pirate-like accent.) Looks like it, me handsome. BEN: Oh, I don't know what this is about. All I know is, I've got to get back to barracks. Come on, it'll take hours from here. POLLY: All right! (POLLY notices the DOCTOR following behind.) POLLY: Are you coming with us, Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh yes, yes! (To Himself.) You may know where you are, my dears, but not when! Oh, I can foresee oodles of trouble! (BEN and POLLY continue walking with determination.) DOCTOR: (Grunts and then says.) Oh dear, I suppose I'd better follow them. See that they don't get into any harm. Hmm, hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. CHURCH, EXTERIOR (BEN and POLLY continue walking. A church comes into view.) BEN: Here, look! It's a church! POLLY: So we are in our own time, after all. BEN: Yeah. You didn't really believe all that nonsense about past and future, did you? DOCTOR: We can't be too sure, my boy. BEN: Sure?! There are millions of churches like that! DOCTOR: Oh, good gracious, most of them have been standing there for centuries. BEN: Yeah, well so have we here. Come on, I've got a train to catch. (BEN starts to walk off again.) POLLY: Sorry Doctor, but we'd better find a station. We can talk on the train. DOCTOR: Oh, talk on the train, child. Hmm. (The DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY arrive at the church. POLLY tries to read a worn gravestone.) POLLY: No use, I can't read it. BEN: You'd think there'd be a few houses or something. I bet it's miles to a bus. (The DOCTOR examines the outside of the church.) DOCTOR: Well, there doesn't seem to appear any Victorian restoration. I think it could be any time after the 16th century. BEN: Only it's not. It's good old Nineteen Sixty-six. DOCTOR: Well I don't think so, somehow... (The DOCTOR is cut off as the main doors of the church open. An old man, the CHURCHWARDEN, points a blunderbuss at the DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY.) CHURCHWARDEN: Hold fast, I say! POLLY: (Screams.) Oh, please. Would you put that gun away?! CHURCHWARDEN: Hold thy tongue, lad! (The CHURCHWARDEN takes note of the DOCTOR.) CHURCHWARDEN: You seem to be a gentleman, but why on foot with these lads as company? DOCTOR: Well, we stopped aside, sir, on our journey to walk along the cliffs and unfortunately we got lost. CHURCHWARDEN: Thou art foreign? DOCTOR: No, no. We don't come from this part of the country, hmm. CHURCHWARDEN: And there's no more of ye than this? DOCTOR: No, just the three of us. You see, we are travellers looking for shelter. CHURCHWARDEN: And you came by road and not from the sea? DOCTOR: No, sir. Not by sea. (The CHURCHWARDEN puts the gun away.) CHURCHWARDEN: Very well. I... I cannot give thee shelter but I can give thee sustenance and direction. DOCTOR: Thank you. CHURCHWARDEN: Come. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. CHURCH, INTERIOR (The DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY enter the church and are directed to a place to sit by the CHURCHWARDEN. The CHURCHWARDEN turns away to get some drinks.) BEN: Well, he's a right one. What gear's he got on? DOCTOR: Yes, I'm afraid you're going to lose your bet, young man. That gentleman comes from the Seventeenth Century, hmm. BEN: Seventeenth century?! (The CHURCHWARDEN returns carrying a tray which holds a water jug, a bottle of brandy and cups.) CHURCHWARDEN: There's the brandy. POLLY: Oh, I... I'll just have a little water, thank you. (The CHURCHWARDEN pours some water and gives it to POLLY. He offers the brandy to the DOCTOR and BEN.) DOCTOR: No, we don't touch it. I wonder if you could direct us to the nearest inn. We seek shelter. CHURCHWARDEN: In time. In good time. I don't know thee, do I? DOCTOR: No, I don't think we've met before, no. Heh, hmm. CHURCHWARDEN: Aye, 'tis true. And you've seen no others on the road?! No ships upon the sea? BEN: Nah. Didn't see a blind thing. Expecting someone are ya? CHURCHWARDEN: Speak when thee spoke to, Sir! BEN: Well, I was only... (The DOCTOR waves his arms at BEN.) DOCTOR: Ah, Ben, Ben, Ben. (To CHURCHWARDEN.) No, sir. We met nobody and saw nothing. Ah... you... ah... expecting some friends, hmm? CHURCHWARDEN: Avery's boys are no friends of mine. Never said that. DOCTOR: (Whispers.) Avery? (The CHURCHWARDEN takes notice of the DOCTOR's expression.) CHURCHWARDEN: You know not that name? (The DOCTOR shakes his head.) CHURCHWARDEN: Ho, ho, ho. Then you're the happier for it. DOCTOR: And you are expecting this Avery, hmm? CHURCHWARDEN: Him? (Laughs.) Why, he's been buried these long years past. Ah, but his spirit rides. Aye, in the dark souls of those who follow in his wake. BEN: Was he a sailor? CHURCHWARDEN: Who mentioned sailor?! What would I know about the sea?! I but tend this church. POLLY: Are you a priest then? CHURCHWARDEN: A priest? The word of God touched me too late, boy. I'm the Churchwarden here. Name of Joseph Longfoot - Christian. DOCTOR: You appear to be afraid, sir. Can we help, hmm? CHURCHWARDEN: Ye help? (Laughs.) Against Pike's hook? No, thee cannot help. POLLY: Pike's hook, what's that? CHURCHWARDEN: The blackest name I know boy. So never say it to me face again! (The DOCTOR notices that the CHURCHWARDEN is holding his hand, apparently in some pain.) DOCTOR: Oh your hand, sir. Are you in pain? CHURCHWARDEN: Nah. 'Tis naught. The fingers but bend. It'll mend. DOCTOR: Dislocated. Hmm, hmm. (The DOCTOR grabs the CHURCHWARDEN's hand and jerks on the dislocated finger. The finger snaps back into place. The CHURCHWARDEN is amazed that he can move all of his fingers again.) CHURCHWARDEN: (Laughs.) Cured! Ha, ha. Oh your blessed hand is ..... (The CHURCHWARDEN shakes the DOCTOR's hand.) DOCTOR: Oh 'tis naught, 'tis naught, my dear chap. Have another drink. We must be on our way. Goodbye. CHURCHWARDEN: Ah, ah... No, no, don't leave me yet. BEN: Well we must go, we must get back to the... (BEN spots the DOCTOR's warning look.) BEN: ... to the beach! CHURCHWARDEN: To the beach? There is no beach. The tide will be in. BEN: The tide! DOCTOR: Ah, yes, of course, I remember now. Yes, yes, yes. We have to wait until the tide recedes. Heh, heh. POLLY: Come on, let's hurry. (The DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY start to walk towards the door.) DOCTOR: (To the CHURCHWARDEN.) Ah, we could, of course, stay, ah, if you wish. CHURCHWARDEN: No, this is no place for gentleman and lads. Go thy way. (As the door opens, a thunderstorm can be heard in the distance.) CHURCHWARDEN: Go quickly while ye may. BEN: (Whispering to POLLY.) We must be in the 17th Century. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. CHURCH, EXTERIOR (The DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY step outside. The DOCTOR turns to speak to the CHURCHWARDEN.) DOCTOR: Well, thank you for your diligence, sir and, ah, the kindness of your... CHURCHWARDEN: Thou... thou art a real gentleman. Go thy way quickly. DOCTOR: Thank you. Thank you. (The DOCTOR turns to leave.) CHURCHWARDEN: Hey! A moment, sir. (The DOCTOR turns to face the CHURCHWARDEN.) CHURCHWARDEN: Eh, while at the inn, take care I say. Guard thy tongue. Think only of thy comfort and thy needs. DOCTOR: We only need shelter for the night. CHURCHWARDEN: Eh, heed my words. Be watchful. DOCTOR: Thank you. Goodbye. CHURCHWARDEN: Goodbye. (The DOCTOR turns to leave again.) CHURCHWARDEN: Hey! One more word, sir. (The DOCTOR turns again to face the CHURCHWARDEN.) CHURCHWARDEN: If you should come this way again and find me gone, remember these words. This is Deadman's secret key: Smallwood, Ringwood, Gurney. DOCTOR: Eh, but what to, ah... What's the purpose, sir? CHURCHWARDEN: It's a secret worth remembering... DOCTOR: Yes... CHURCHWARDEN: ...for this kindness... DOCTOR: ...thank you. Thank you indeed... (The DOCTOR points to the CHURCHWARDEN's hand.) DOCTOR: ...and I think that's going to be all right now. Yes. Ye... heh, heh ...s. Goodbye, sir. Goodbye. (To POLLY and BEN.) Come along. POLLY: Goodbye. Thank you. CHURCHWARDEN: God bless. (The DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY walk off into the night. None of them see the bald seaman watching from behind cover. The seaman watches the DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY walk away, then pulls out a knife and walks into the church.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INN, EXTERIOR (KEWPER the innkeeper, a burly unshaven man in his early 30s, comes out of the back door of his inn. KEWPER looks up at the grey and threatening sky.) KEWPER: (Calls.) Tom! (TOM, a ragged teenage stable-boy emerges from the nearby stables.) TOM: Aye, Master? (KEWPER beckons him closer.) KEWPER: There's business afoot - a message for the Churchwarden tonight. TOM: But I... I... KEWPER: Go do as you're bid, boy! TOM: Aye. KEWPER: Tell him... tell him that Kewper has had word from friends. TOM: Down the coast? KEWPER: A delivery can be expected soon. I'll tell him further when I've made arrangements. TOM: I'll tell him. Can I take the mare? KEWPER: Aye, and go on now before the storm breaks. (KEWPER walks back into his inn. TOM goes into to the stables and emerges riding a mare. TOM gallops away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INN, INTERIOR (KEWPER enters the inn from the back. Around the inside of the inn's stone walls are booths, a bar at the far end with bottles and barrels, and a fireplace with a fire. While KEWPER is cleaning glasses at the bar, the DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY enter the inn, soaked by the thunderstorm raging outside.) DOCTOR: (Grunts.) Hmm, hmm, ho, ho, ho, ho. Uh! Are you, ah... You're the landlord, I presume, hmm? KEWPER: Aye, Jacob Kewper. And I've no rooms. We're full. DOCTOR: Oh, we only want rooms for the night, my friend, hmm, hmm. KEWPER: Strangers are not welcome in these parts. Nor are they always what they seem. POLLY: That's more or less what the Churchwarden said. DOCTOR: Yes. KEWPER: Say that? DOCTOR: The Churchwarden said that you could probably put us up for the night, ah, but it appears that he was wrong. KEWPER: If he said that, you'll know his name. DOCTOR: Longfoot, sir, Joseph Longfoot. Now, surely that name means something to you? KEWPER: A friend of his is welcome, sir, but not so strange travellers. Your pardon, sir. DOCTOR: Granted, granted. Now rooms, a meal, something hot for us. Surely that's possible? KEWPER: It is, sir, and you'll be wanting dry clothes for the morning too ay? DOCTOR: Ah, yes, yes indeed, yes. For the lads. And I think I shall be able to dry myself out with that lovely fire. KEWPER: It'll be done, sir. (KEWPER hurries away. The DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY move to the fireplace.) BEN: Well, my lad? DOCTOR: (In background.) Thank you. BEN: (Laughs.) POLLY: Ha ha, very funny. I do wish everyone would stop calling me lad. It does make me feel very odd. DOCTOR: Yes, should I think it better at the moment, my dear. What would they say to a maiden in trousers, hmm? BEN: (Laughing.) Huh! Probably die laughing. POLLY: You would think it funny. You and your bell-bottom sense of humour. BEN: Oh, listen our little dolly-rocker Duchess, then! DOCTOR: Eh, ch, ch, ch, watch your tongue, dear boy. (KEWPER comes over and gives dry clothes to POLLY and BEN.) KEWPER: I... I hope these will serve, man. POLLY: Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. (To BEN.) Come on, help me sort these out. BEN: Look, Doctor, what I want to know is how are you going to get us out of here? DOCTOR: Oh, we shall return to the TARDIS, my boy, when the tide recedes and let's hope that we, ah, materialize in Nineteen Sixty-six. POLLY: You don't sound very certain, Doctor. DOCTOR: No, I'm afraid I'm not, my dear. More likely we shall probably land in the far distant future. BEN: Oh great! The way things are going there probably won't be a navy when I get back. DOCTOR: Hmm... Oh... POLLY: Look Ben, for the moment we're in the seventeenth century - somehow. We'll just have to like it and lump it. (POLLY passes BEN his share of the clothes.) POLLY: Here you are. BEN: Oh, OK. (BEN looks around.) BEN: Well, it's a nice old pub anyway isn't it. Yeah, and I'll bet the beer's better than they serve nowadays. DOCTOR: Yes, I think they're somewhat suspicious of us, hmm, hmm. POLLY: They certainly don't seem to like strangers, do they? BEN: Yeah, I wonder why? DOCTOR: Well, I wouldn't worry too much about that, my dear, because I don't think we're going to be here long enough to find that out! [SCENE_BREAK] 11. CHURCH, INTERIOR (In the church, the CHURCHWARDEN is drunk and staggering up a darkened flight of steps. The CHURCHWARDEN is carrying a lantern and singing a little song.) CHURCHWARDEN: Oh, rob great ships on every sea! Heh. Oh pill-head crews without mercy! (Laughs.) (The CHURCHWARDEN turns a corner and runs right into CHERUB, the evil-looking bald man who was watching outside earlier.) CHURCHWARDEN: Master Cherub! CHERUB: It's nice to see an old shipmate again, eh, Joe? We had good times aboard The Albatross when you was mate, ay? CHURCHWARDEN: Them days is gone and past. CHERUB: Ah, but not forgotten, not by your old friends, Joe. CHURCHWARDEN: I'm no friend of yours. I'm Churchwarden here. A Christian man! CHERUB: (Laughing.) You always had the leaning towards the Good Book. Holy Joe Longfoot, mate of the Black Albatross! CHURCHWARDEN: No more I'm not! CHERUB: We miss you matey. But most of all does the Captain. CHURCHWARDEN: The Captain... Captain Pike?! CHERUB: You owes him something matey. He wants what's his. CHURCHWARDEN: I got naught what his. CHERUB: If you ain't got it, you knows it's whereabouts. Avery's gold! CHURCHWARDEN: No Christian man'd touch it. CHERUB: We ain't all like you, Holy Joe, we ain't all afraid of the curse that's on it - and it's ours by right! CHURCHWARDEN: 'Tis no man's right! CHERUB: We'll decide that when we get the loot. CHURCHWARDEN: Ha! You'll never find it. (CHERUB pulls out his knife.) CHERUB: Won't we Joe, my old matey? Ain't you gonna to tell me, ay? CHURCHWARDEN: You can't threaten me. I got friends here - powerful friends. CHERUB: They need to be to better Pike. CHURCHWARDEN: Well, don't you think they couldn't! CHERUB: Where's your friends now, eh? Gone? The old man and his two lads, what does he know, ay?! CHURCHWARDEN: Know? Know nothing, I directed him on his way. CHERUB: Where to? Where to, say I?! (CHERUB puts the knife to the CHURCHWARDEN's throat.) CHURCHWARDEN: To the inn, for shelter. CHERUB: Who was he? What's he to you, ay? CHURCHWARDEN: A passing traveller, on his way. CHERUB: No matey, I saw you a-whispering something in his ear. What was you saying to him, ay? CHURCHWARDEN: Nothing. CHERUB: Joe, you wouldn't be trying to sell what you know to some strangers, ay? CHURCHWARDEN: You can rot in hell! (The CHURCHWARDEN makes a sudden move for his blunderbuss, hung on a nearby hook. CHERUB throws his knife. The knife strikes the CHURCHWARDEN between the shoulder blades. The CHURCHWARDEN cries out and then falls.) CHERUB: You're a fool, Joe Longfoot. But before you goes to join your mates, tell me what I want to know. Speak up! CHURCHWARDEN: Avery's curse on you - you black villain. CHERUB: Speak, damn your eyes! (The CHURCHWARDEN dies.) CHERUB: It wouldn't be like you to go to Davy Jones' silent, matey. So I reckon we best get on to that old fella and get our hooks into him. (CHERUB leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. INN (The DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY have just finished a meal.) BEN: Now, that's better! POLLY: Hmm. Rain stopped. BEN: Here, I've seen a few shady customers in my time, but this crowd beats the lot. POLLY: They're fantastic, aren't they? (BEN turns to speak to a party of customers.) BEN: Evening! (The party stares at BEN and POLLY.) CUSTOMER: Evening. (The party of customers turns their back on BEN and POLLY.) BEN: Cheerful lot Doctor, aren't they? DOCTOR: I think we would do well to remember the Churchwarden's words. BEN: What? Old rough neck? DOCTOR: To keep our thoughts only on ourselves. POLLY: I wonder why though? Do you suppose they're up... (The main door opens and a rain-soaked TOM enters the room and runs up to KEWPER.) TOM: Sir! Sir! Quickly! Help! (There is muttering in the background. KEWPER drags TOM over into the corner.) KEWPER: What's the trouble, lad? TOM: The Churchwarden, master Kewper. KEWPER: Well, what of him, drunk was he, as usual? TOM: No sir, he was dead. KEWPER: Dead? How? TOM: Knifed in the back. He was smiling. KEWPER: Was he now? TOM: And the door was burst wide open. No sign of no one though. KEWPER: No one else of our lads have been down there this night. TOM: The strangers were though. KEWPER: Aye, and who else would want to kill Joseph Longfoot, ay? TOM: None as I know of round here. He'd no money, no enemies, neither. KEWPER: Word's got to be passed on. You'd best tell your tale to the Squire. Ask him to come here as Magistrate. TOM: Bring him here, sir? KEWPER: As fast as the horse can go. Away with you now. (TOM rushes out the back door. The DOCTOR and BEN have been listening. POLLY, however, is dozing by the fire.) POLLY: (Yawning.) Oh, sorry. (Suddenly the main door opens again. This time a group of seamen enter the room. CHERUB, their leader, spots the DOCTOR and walks toward him.) CHERUB: I want you, old fella. DOCTOR: I beg your pardon, sir? CHERUB: Don't you come the gent with me, matey. We're going to have words together, you and me. (CHERUB grabs the DOCTOR's arm intending to pull him to his feet.) BEN: Get your dirty hands off him, mate. (CHERUB releases the DOCTOR. CHERUB pulls a knife on BEN.) CHERUB: Do what, lad? BEN: I said lay off. What's he done to you? DOCTOR: I don't think I've set eyes on you before in my life, man. CHERUB: No, but we have a mutual acquaintance though. DOCTOR: And what do you mean? CHERUB: Joseph Longfoot. BEN: Well, the Churchwarden. DOCTOR: Yes, he merely tried to help us. Eh, barely an acquaintance. CHERUB: Was, you mean. (CHERUB mimes a throat-cutting gesture.) CHERUB: You see, him and me, we had a little bit of a tizzie like, mate. (Spits and chuckles.) POLLY: (Whispers.) Dead. CHERUB: The trouble was, he forgot to give me an urgent message before he passed over. But he spoke to you didn't he, ay? DOCTOR: And how do you know all this, sir?! CHERUB: 'Cause I was keepin' look-out, that's why. BEN: Well, you're wrong, see. CHERUB: Well, what I want is what he told him, so speak up, old fella! POLLY: L... Leave the Doctor alone. (A seaman grabs POLLY and covers her mouth.) POLLY: Oh! Oh! CHERUB: Oh, Doctor ay? Well, sawbones, speak up, or do I have to make you? (BEN jumps CHERUB but is clubbed over the head by a seaman. BEN falls unconscious to the floor.) DOCTOR: Don't harm them! (CHERUB pulls the DOCTOR to his feet.) CHERUB: Well! Come quietly then. DOCTOR: And where are you taking me? CHERUB: (Laughing.) You wait and see, sawbones. (To a seaman.) Daniel! (The DOCTOR is prodded towards the door. POLLY is thrown to the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INN, EXTERIOR (The DOCTOR is carried out, placed in the back of a cart, and covered with hay. Two seamen take up the reins and the cart exits at high speed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. INN, INTERIOR (POLLY listens as CHERUB talks to the other seamen.) CHERUB: Go on before to the beach, ya scum! (The seamen leave with the DOCTOR. POLLY checks on BEN's condition.) CHERUB: (In background.) And go quickly! POLLY: Help, somebody! Help! (KEWPER comes over to POLLY with some of his customers.) POLLY: Help me! Please, help me! The Doctor, they've taken him! KEWPER: Who has? Who's taken him? POLLY: Those men! They were terrible and they've hurt Ben! You must help me! KEWPER: Why, is he bad then, this lad? POLLY: He's bleeding! KEWPER: Huh? (KEWPER examines BEN.) KEWPER: He's not dead though. Here, take his feet, lad. (BEN is carried over to a chair. POLLY looks after him. KEWPER and some of his customers talk quietly together. Then KEWPER returns to POLLY.) KEWPER: Don't you worry, lad. Squire'll be here soon. POLLY: The Squire?! What can he do? I want to get the Doctor back safely. KEWPER: The Squire's the law in these parts, cub. And guard your tongue when talking to your elders. POLLY: (Sobbing) But you don't understand. They were threatening to kill the Doctor. (KEWPER turns and walks out of the inn.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. CLIFF (The DOCTOR is forced into a small boat and is rowed out to sea. Through the driving rain, a sailing ship can be seen anchored in the bay.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. INN, EXTERIOR (KEWPER stands waiting on the doorstep of the inn. The SQUIRE rides up on his fine black horse, followed by TOM on his mare. TOM takes the SQUIRE's reins and leads both of the horses into the stables.) SQUIRE: What's this I hear Jacob, ay? KEWPER: Trouble, Squire. Strangers. SQUIRE: Oh, let's deal with it then! (The SQUIRE and KEWPER enter the inn.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. INN, INTERIOR (POLLY kneels by BEN, desperately trying to revive him. KEWPER and the SQUIRE enter via the main door.) POLLY: Ben... SQUIRE: (To KEWPER.) Now then... So these are your strangers, eh? KEWPER: Aye, Squire, and this one's wounded. (KEWPER points to BEN. The SQUIRE looks at the wound. TOM enters via the back door.) SQUIRE: Hmm? Oh, aye. He'll need binding. Tom. TOM: Sir? SQUIRE: Fetch cloth and water - and a drop of brandy. KEWPER: (Under his breath.) Oh... I don't... SQUIRE: Kewper! KEWPER: Oh aye, Squire. Go Tom. (TOM leaves.) POLLY: Will he be all right? SQUIRE: Aye, boy, he will. Now, tell me, where's your Master? POLLY: He's been kidnapped. You've got to save him. SQUIRE: Kidnapped? And who are the ruffians who did this, ay? POLLY: Well, there were four of them... SQUIRE: (Interrupting.) Before you tell me this tale, tell me about yourself. POLLY: Me?! But the Doctor's the... SQUIRE: Doctor? Oh, aye him. Well, let's not beat about the bush. I want to know who the three of you are and where you've come from? POLLY: But the Doctor will be killed if you don't do... KEWPER: Speak when the Squire tells you. SQUIRE: (To POLLY.) If you want help, I want the truth. Sit a minute. Well? (The Squire leaves the bar with KEWPER. TOM arrives with a bowl of water and some clean rags. KEWPER returns and gives POLLY a mug of brandy.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. SHIP (The DOCTOR, CHERUB and the seamen climb on board the sailing ship.) CHERUB: Come, my beauty, I'll take you to the Captain. You'll find he likes a little conversation with a fine gentleman like yourself. (Laughs.) (Two seamen grab the DOCTOR's arms and prod him towards the cabin door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. INN, INTERIOR (POLLY gives BEN some brandy. BEN begins to come around.) BEN: Oh, blimey, my head! Well, what happened? Well, where's the Doctor? POLLY: (Whispering.) Ben, he's been taken and we're in trouble. BEN: Eh? How? (POLLY points to the SQUIRE.) POLLY: The big man over there, he's the Squire. And he insists on knowing who we are and where we're from? BEN: Oh, you haven't told him? POLLY: Well, of course not, but he won't help us if we don't speak. (The SQUIRE walks over to BEN and POLLY.) SQUIRE: (To BEN.) So, you've come to, have you? I've told your young friend here, I want information. He's refused to give it to me. I demand to be told the truth. BEN: You'll get it when you got the Doctor back. KEWPER: You speak civil to the Squire. BEN: Well, why don't you all do something!? Don't just stand there. SQUIRE: Be silent, sir! I hold you both to be knaves and rogues and of highly suspicious intent. And as Magistrate of this Borough, I'm hereby arresting both of you. BEN: Arresting us? What for? SQUIRE: For the murder of the Churchwarden. And for this villainous deed you'll be imprisoned until the next Assizes, and there punished accordingly. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. PIKE's CABIN (Outside the cabin, CHERUB knocks on the door.) PIKE: (Out of view.) Enter! (The DOCTOR, CHERUB and two seamen enter the ship's cabin. The cabin is lavishly furnished and decorated. There are silk hangings and, in one corner, a cushioned day-bed. In the center of the room is a carved oak table littered with bottles, goblets and the remains of a meal. Behind the table is PIKE, a massive black-bearded man, luxuriously dressed in the clothes of a fine gentleman. PIKE is holding a glass of wine in his left hand while his other hand is hidden beneath the table.) PIKE: Cherub! What in hell's name have you dragged in here now? DOCTOR: I demand... PIKE: (Interrupting.) Silence! CHERUB: Holy Joe's dead, Captain. Dead before he tell his secret. PIKE: What's that ye say? CHERUB: But before he died he spoke with this old sawbones here. PIKE: Ah! CHERUB: The sawbones won't talk. Not to me. PIKE: (To the DOCTOR.) Well, by thunder, ye'll talk to me! Or my name's not Samuel Pike! (PIKE whips his right arm from beneath the table and slams it down on the table revealing a gleaming steel hook in place of a hand.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The series' theme music begins. White credits scroll up over the ending scene. The scene fades to a black background as the white credits continue to scroll up.) [SCENE_BREAK] (After the designer credit rolls up and off the black screen, the producer credit fades in.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The producer credit fades out. The director credit and BBC logo fade in.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The BBC logo fades out to the black background. The series theme music ends.)

Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who discovers Polly and Ben aboard the TARDIS? A: the TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's ship? A: 17th century; Q: In what century does the TARDIS arrive in Cornwall? A: the local churchwarden; Q: Who gives the Doctor a cryptic message? Summary: The Doctor discovers Polly and Ben aboard the TARDIS shortly before the ship arrives in 17th century Cornwall, where the local churchwarden gives the Doctor a cryptic message shortly before being murdered.

LOGAN'S APARTMENT [Rory wakes up, walks past some of the mess from the previous nights party and see a gift on the counter. She opens it and is surprised, she pulls or a 2 foot high rocket and stands it on the counter and wonders what it means] CHRISTOPHER'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM [Lorelai and Chris are in bed with Chris' arm resting over Lorelai] CHRISTOPHER: [Grunts] Hey. LORELAI: Hey. CHRISTOPHER: What are you doing? LORELAI: Um...go back to sleep. [Lorelai get up] CHRISTOPHER: Come back to bed. LORELAI: Oh, I can't I got to go. CHRISTOPHER: Stay. LORELAI: No um I can't -- Paul Anka. CHRISTOPHER: No way he's performing this early. Check your tickets. LORELAI: No, I got to go home and feed him. CHRISTOPHER: Well, let me make you breakfast first. LORELAI: No. CHRISTOPHER: Come on you're no good if you collapse from hunger before you feed him. It's like how, when you're on an airplane, you put on your own oxygen mask before your kids. It seems selfish, but... LORELAI: [snaps back] No... [Sighs] Chris. CHRISTOPHER: Lore. LORELAI: Really. You sleep. I got to get going. CHRISTOPHER: You sure? LORELAI: Yeah. Okay. Bye. [Lorelai leaves quickly and looks discussed with here self] [opening credits] LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai enters and walks into the living room] BABETTE: [almost shouting] You're back! LORELAI: Ohh! God, Babette, you scared me. [Paul Anka comes in] Hi BABETTE: It's my voice. It frightens the hell out of people. I don't know what to do about it. LORELAI: Oh well, you could start by not hiding out in people's houses and leaping at them when they come home. BABETTE: It's the nodules. LORELAI: Who? BABETTE: It's the nodules on my vocal chords. The more I strain my voice, the more they grow. It's nature's way of trying to get me to talk softer. LORELAI: Babette, one. Nature, nada. BABETTE: I bet you're wondering why I'm here. LORELAI: Yeah. Not that I'm not happy to see you. It's just that I have to get going... BABETTE: I'm not a sleepwalker... LORELAI: No. BABETTE: ...in case that's what you were thinking. LORELAI: No no... BABETTE: Cause a lot of people figure me for one. God knows why, I guess I got the look LORELAI: Well, you didn't sleepwalk, though. BABETTE: Hunh-unh. But this morning I came over here wide awake 'cause I heard Paul Anka doing that weird yodeling noise that you said he does when he's hungry, so I fed him. LORELAI: Oh good thank you. I gave him a half a cup of that kibble that you said he likes, but then he looked at me like I stole something from him, so I gave him a whole cup. LORELAI: I know that look. It can be intimidating. BABETTE: And since our washing machine is broken -- Morey put his boots in it and broke it again -- I thought I'd do a load of my intimates. LORELAI: Good for you. BABETTE: You ain't got any messages. LORELAI: What? BABETTE: He didn't call. LORELAI: Who? BABETTE: I heard about the fight between you and Luke. LORELAI: [Sighs] You did? BABETTE: You know Adrian Bittenberg's daughter, Becky? She got a huge mouth. LORELAI: Becky is not a gossip. BABETTE: But she has a huge mouth. And she and Eileen Whitewin were behind Doose's market seeing how many devil dogs Becky could stuff in there, and when she got up to four, completely cut off her oxygen. So Eileen went running over to Luke's to see if she could get some help, and then she saw the two of you screaming at each other. LORELAI: I'm glad she had the presence of mind to listen in on our argument while her friend was choking to death. BABETTE: Well don't you worry about a thing. Everything will be fine. Every couple needs a good blowout once in awhile. It keeps you on your toes. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, well... BABETTE: Yeah. So, did you spend the night at Sookie's again? LORELAI: Sookie's? BABETTE: Yeah, I figured you were there, but Morey and I did a power walk this morning, and we went by her and Jackson's place, and I didn't see your jeep there. LORELAI: Babette, I really got to get going. BABETTE: Oh, I'm just waiting for my panties to dry. [a moments silence] I'll pick them up later. But could you do me a favor and put them in a delicate-spin situation, 30 minutes with a bounce dryer sheet? Oh, and don't worry, sweetheart. He'll call. They always do. YALE DAILY NEWS ROOM - HALLWAY [Rory at Yale comes to the news offices and see a number of people waiting outside, there is a sign "SAT Prep" and Paris is running it. Rory enters the news room] YALE DAILY NEWS ROOM PARIS: Do you want your kid to spend her life behind the counter at Dunkin' Donuts? Do you? MARILYN: No. PARIS: Because that's where she's headed, selling chocolate donuts and glazed fritters for the next 40 years to people in business suits who actually gave a crap about their academic future. MARILYN: I just want her to get into a good school. She has such potential. PARIS: Well so did Charles Manson. MARILYN: What? PARIS: Look at her. Frankly, it may already be too late. I don't like to take on such meek, diffident cases. Do you even know what "diffident" means? [the mother and daughter look confused] That's okay. That knowledge isn't really required in the retail doughnut-distribution industry. MARILYN: Please, just give her a chance. PARIS: Why should I? MARILYN: Because she needs this. CAITLYN: Mom. MARILYN: Caitlyn. What do you think? PARIS: She's got a "c" average, which means she's either lazy or stupid. I can work with either. Frankly, sometimes stupid is easier. I can scare the stupid out of you, but the lazy runs deep. MARILYN: So you'll take her on? PARIS: I will. MARILYN: Wonderful. CAITLYN: Mom! MARILYN: Caitlyn. MARILYN: Thank you, Paris. You won't be sorry. PARIS: Okay. Now, if I can get you both to take these aptitude tests, then we can get to work. MARILYN: Why do I need to take a test? PARIS: I need to get a realistic sense of Caitlyn's true potential, and genetics is by far the most reliable indicator. MARILYN: I'm sorry? PARIS: Basically I need to know how much of this is her fault and how much is yours. [puts a clock on the table] Ticktock. MARILYN: Oh! RORY: What is this? PARIS: Pretty great, huh? RORY: Not for Caitlyn. PARIS: I was gonna spend the summer tutoring for the Princeton review, but then I found they charge these little morons $60 an hour and only pay their tutors $20. So I figured, "who needs the Princeton review?" I can open up my own shop. I've already subcontracted out to three other student tutors, and I've got more prospects lined up. I'm gonna make a fortune. Hey, are you interested? The pay's $15 an hour. RORY: No, thanks. PARIS: Wait. Are you looking to use the offices over the summer? Just because you're the editor, that doesn't entitle you to use the offices during the summer. There's not paper to put out. [raises her voice] These were up for grabs, and I grabbed them. RORY: Paris, I don't want the offices. PARIS: Oh. Then, what are you doing here? RORY: I just came in to back up my files. PARIS: You already backed up your files. I saw you do it. Oh. I get it. Logan's gone, huh? RORY: He left this morning, early. PARIS: Breakups are tough. RORY: What? PARIS: Eyes on your own paper! Marilyn RORY: We didn't break up. PARIS: You didn't? RORY: No. Why would you say that? PARIS: I don't know, wealthy, good-looking, hedonistic heir to billion-dollar, multinational media conglomerate moves to London and spends nights pining away for his college girlfriend? Who's watching that movie? RORY: Paris, it's not like that. We're together. PARIS: So you guys talked about it? RORY: Yes. Well, no... I mean, I'm gonna go visit him, though. We talked about that. PARIS: When? RORY: I don't know exactly. PARIS: So what, specifically, did you agree to? RORY: Well, nothing, really, but it was kind of understood. PARIS: Yeah. Because that worked out so well the last time. RORY: Paris. PARIS: Has history taught you nothing? You're in limbo, sister, no man's land, quite literally. Logan is not that bright. You need to spell it out. He's got to know where the red lines are, or he's gonna leap right over them and into bed with multiple British floozies. RORY: Paris, it's okay. Logan and I are fine. PARIS: He moved to London, Rory... the most romantic city in the world. RORY: Paris is the most romantic city in the world. PARIS: Oh, right. London is just the most sex-obsessed. [Alarm rings] PARIS: Pencil's down! LORELAI'S HOUSE - OUTSIDE [Lorelai comes out and sees Luke] LUKE: Hey. LORELAI: I can't. I'm late for work. LUKE: Can we talk first? LORELAI: Please I really don't want to. LUKE: Lorelai, come on. LORELAI: No, Luke, we did talk. We talked last night. There's nothing left to say. LUKE: Look I'm sorry about yesterday, but you kinda ambushed me out of no where, and then you didn't give me a chance. LORELAI: I gave you every chance. LUKE: You were going so fast. LORELAI: Yeah, that's me. I'm fast. I'm the perfect storm of caffeine and genetics. Ha-ha. LUKE: Now I've had a chance to catch up, and I want to discuss it. LORELAI: Discuss what? There's nothing left to discuss. LOGAN: Us, you and me. LORELAI: There is no us. There's you, and there's me. It's over. It was over last night, and it's over now. It's over. LUKE: Lorelai... LORELAI: No, I'm sorry. I have to go. [she gets in to the Jeep and leaves] DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Sookie and Michel are arm-wrestling] MICHEL: [grunting] You're going down. SOOKIE: No. MICHEL: You think you're so great. You think you're miss la-di-da. SOOKIE: Ow. MICHEL: But look at you now, all weak and pitiful. SOOKIE: Ugh! MICHEL: That's it. Give in to the pain. SOOKIE: So, how's my acting? MICHEL: What do you mean? SOOKIE: Well, is it believable, or do you find it a little over-the-top?! [Sookie slams her hand down to win] MICHEL: Aah! My fingers! My fingers are smashed! SOOKIE: Ha! How do you like them apples, Michel? MICHEL: I do not like these apples. You cheated. You hustled me. You played possum. SOOKIE: Oh, no, I played arm-wrestling. Or did you think we were playing some other game? Is that why you lost so bad? MICHEL: Your gloating is very distasteful. Ouch! [Lorelai enters] Lorelai, I may need to take some time off to have my wrist x-rayed. Excuse me. SOOKIE: [singing] I am the champion, my friend and I'll keep on fighting till the end no time for losers. Oh! I am a fantastic arm-wrestler. You know what I think did it? The whisking, all those years of whiskin has given me incredible forearm strength. People are always like, "why take the time to hand-whip fresh cream? Why not use a machine?" And I've always been like, "I don't know why I do it. It's just something that I do." But now I know -- because I've been training for this very day. I mean, wow! I am strong. And the omelet flipping definitely is part of it. You know when you use one of those really heavy cast-iron skillets, and you flip, flip? That's all in the wrist, you know? And that's what they say. That's what people say about arm-wrestling, too - that it's all in the wrist, and, man, I have super-bionic, superpowered, super wrists. I mean, who knew I possessed such, honey? Something's wrong, huh? LORELAI: Yeah. SOOKIE: It's not spiders on the ceiling. You know I hate spiders. I was kind of hoping it was spiders. LORELAI: It's not spiders. SOOKIE: No? LORELAI: No. SOOKIE: Okay. LORELAI: Luke and I are over. SOOKIE: Over? LORELAI: Yeah. SOOKIE: No. LORELAI: Yeah. SOOKIE: Have you guys had a fight? LORELAI: We had the fight. SOOKIE: People have fights. It's okay. It's good, actually. You know, it's healthy. If you don't have fights, all these bad chemicals build up, and you get ulcers and bad skin. You got such pretty skin, so you have to have some fights for the sake of your skin. LORELAI: This was different. This was bad. SOOKIE: People have bad fights. Every bad fight can seem like "the fight." LORELAI: It wasn't just a fight, Sookie. It was him not fighting for me. I gave him an ultimatum, SOOKIE: And? LORELAI: And he let me walk away. SOOKIE: No. He'll come back. He'll be back. He'll come back. Luke wants to marry you. I know he does. I mean, he'll come around. He'll get it together. LORELAI: I'm done. I don't want to see him anymore. It's over. SOOKIE: I get that you're mad. You deserve to be mad. Luke's been a real jerk. Frankly, being mad at him makes all the sense in the world. And if you're so mad that you need to believe you guys are over, I get that. LORELAI: Sookie, I spent the night with Christopher last night. SOOKIE: You spent the night with Christopher? LORELAI: Spent the night. SOOKIE: With Christopher? LORELAI: Yeah. SOOKIE: Okay so, does Luke know? LORELAI: No. I don't want him to ever know. SOOKIE: That's good. That's good. Uh, okay. Uh, look - things happen. People...people do things. It's not pretty. It's not Disney, but it's the real world. And you don't have to tell him. Luke doesn't have to know, and things don't have to be over. LORELAI: No, you don't get it. I need it to be over. I need it to be over because I can't take this anymore. Yes, I love Luke, and, yes, I wanted to marry Luke. But I didn't want a life separate from Luke, and that's all he could give me. I don't want that. If I'm gonna be with Luke, I want to be with Luke, and he didn't get it, and I waited. I mean, god, I waited. It's like Luke is driving a car, okay, and I just want to be in the passenger's seat. But he's locked the door, and and so I have to hold onto the bumper, you know? I'm not even asking him to open the door for me. Just leave it unlocked and say, "come in." But no, he didn't do that, so I'm hanging onto the bumper, and life goes on, and the car goes on, and I get really badly bruised and hitting potholes. And it hurts. I mean, it hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much. It hurts too much. SOOKIE: Okay. LUKE'S DINNER LUKE: Caesar where the hell is lane? CAESAR: She's on her honeymoon. LUKE: Jeez how long is that gonna last? CAESAR: It's only been a week. LUKE: Only? Seven days seems like plenty of time to sit in some mountain cabin together and realize you've just chained yourself to another human being for all eternity. CAESAR: They went to Mexico, so they're probably doing that on a beach. Maybe it takes a little longer to realize with the hot sun and all. LUKE: Caesar are you being funny? CAESAR: You tell me. LUKE: No, you tell me. CAESAR: It would appear not. LUKE: Bus those tables. CUSTOMER: Luke, I asked for these eggs scrambled, and they're sunny-side up. LUKE: [Luke takes a fork and starts scrambling the eggs] There you go. [Luke hears a truck beep and looks out side] Oh, now what? Caesar, I'll be right back. CAESAR: Don't hurry. OUTSIDE THE DINER TAYLOR: Now, carefully. That's rental equipment. I'm responsible for that. LUKE: Taylor, what the hell are you doing? TAYLOR: Good morning, Lucas. You look in fine fettle today. LUKE: Okay whatever you're doing, stop it. TAYLOR: That's rather cynical. Now, who's to say I'm not doing something that will surprise and delight you? LUKE: Are you? TAYLOR: I highly doubt it. LUKE: Then stop it. TAYLOR: Can't do it, Luke. The safety of the citizens of stars hollow is at stake, and that has to be my top priority, regardless of how you feel about a red-light camera. LUKE: A what? TAYLOR: To catch scofflaws. Apparently, people are viewing our traffic light here as more a series of colorful driving suggestions rather than the rules of the road. Therefore, I decided to install a red-light camera to discourage drivers who would test our laws and photograph and punish those who do. LUKE: A camera? TAYLOR: You run a red light, it's time for your close-up, Mr. Demille. These little wonders are taking over the globe -- New York, Los Angeles, Paris, Singapore. LUKE: That's ridiculous. KIRK: They're in position and ready for the installation. At you say so. LUKE: No you can't do this. It's an invasion of privacy. KIRK: Something to fear, Luke? LUKE: You can't take pictures of people for driving by the diner. It's probably not even legal. KIRK: Spoken like a man with something to hide. TAYLOR: Luke I can assure you that I am well within my rights as town selectman to install that camera, and you, of all people, should be grateful. After all, it'll make the street in front of your diner that much safer. KIRK: Or unsafer is you know what I mean... LUKE: There hasn't been an accident on that corner in 15 years. TAYLOR: And now we've made it safe for the next 15. Hooray! LUKE: I'm gonna fight you on this. TAYLOR: We will be having the official unveiling ceremony later this afternoon. You're welcome to attend. LUKE: Well I don't see how I can avoid it. Considering it's right in front of my damn diner! KIRK: I'll put you down for plus one. TAYLOR: Oh and we're going to have to cross up some electrical lines during the installation process, so you might lose power for a few hours. [Luke looks mad, turns and walks away] DRAGONFLY INN RORY: Hi. LORELAI: [Gasps] What?! The prodigal daughter returns. What are you doing here? RORY: I couldn't stay away. I just missed you too much. LORELAI: Aren't you the sweetest? Isn't she the sweetest, Michel? MICHEL: Beyond all human understanding. RORY: Hi, Michel. MICHEL: Yes, it hurts very much. LORELAI: Yay! So you're back. RORY: Yeah. I just had to get out of there. LORELAI: Aw. How was the goodbye? RORY: Awful. There's nothing good about a goodbye. It's a very poorly named ritual. It was a bad bye, a very bad bye. Then I went to the newsroom to talk to Paris about it... LORELAI: You what? RORY: Well I didn't mean to. She was just there, and she spent like 10 minutes kicking me while I was down. LORELAI: Paris is always there for you in the most unfortunate ways. RORY: I just miss him so much. LORELAI: I know you do. RORY: And it's only been seven hours. Can you imagine when it's been - you know what? I don't want to talk about it. I need coffee. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: You sure, though, you don't want to talk? You can always vent to me. I'm the perfect vent-erizer - vent-erator. RORY: Mom, I don't need a vent-erator. I just don't want to talk about it. What's going on with you? LORELAI: Oh. With me? Oh, well, things with me - things with me are good. RORY: Convincing. LORELAI: Things with me friends are good. Things with me inn are good. Things with me, not so good. RORY: What's up? LORELAI: Look I don't want to talk about this, but I want to tell you. I have to tell, but I'm barely holding it together as it is. So if I tell, will you promise not to make me discuss it? RORY: What? LORELAI: [Sighs] Luke and I split up. RORY: What do you mean, like you got into a fight? LORELAI: No, we had a breakup, a real-life parting of the hearts. RORY: Why? What happened? LORELAI: Rory, you promised. RORY: No, I didn't. LORELAI: Well, it was implied. Please. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: I don't want to talk about it. RORY: But you have to explain. LORELAI: No, not right now, okay? Look - you got to not talk about your thing. So I didn't vent-erator you. You don't vent-erator me. RORY: But... LORELAI: Rory, please. RORY: Well, you know, I guess we don't have to talk about stuff. LORELAI: Yeah. Who says we always have to be talking? We can not talk. RORY: Of course we can. LORELAI: Okay...We should probably talk about how we're not gonna talk, 'cause I don't think we should just go right into it. RORY: Let's do something that doesn't require talking. Like we could go to the movies. LORELAI: You want to try not talking at a movie? RORY: Okay, shopping. LORELAI: Are you mad? RORY: We could drink. We could go to a bar and just throw back a few. LORELAI: Yeah, drunk people never feel like talking. Oh! We could go to a club. RORY: Yeah, 'cause all the hot spots get rolling about lunchtime. LORELAI: See? This is why men play sports. RORY: Sports we can play sports. LORELAI: We hate sports. RORY: We haven't tried every sport. LORELAI: How about running? RORY: We could easily talk while we're running. Not if we were hurdling. Hurdles require more focus and, thus, less talking. Or we could do that running that's like you leap around a tree and up a hill... RORY: You want to run cross-country. LORELAI: Not across the whole country, maybe just Michigan. RORY: Michel, what sports do you play? MICHEL: Well, since I'm maimed potentially for life, I may never play sports again. LORELAI: But think back to before this tragic, life-altering injury, when life was still worth living What sports did you play then? MICHEL: Well, Pilates, of course. LORELAI: What? RORY: It's like yoga with cables and wires. LORELAI: Sounds very dangerous. MICHEL: Oh, racquetball is also a fantastic workout. LORELAI: Racquetball? RORY: Intriguing. LORELAI: I always liked the sound of racquetball. RORY: Tell us more about this racquetball. MICHEL: Well, it's very simple - a 4-walled room, a racquet, and a rubber ball. LORELAI: Get to the good part, what are the clothes like? RORY: Can we wear cute outfits? MICHEL: I do. LORELAI: I think racquetball sounds great. RORY: Mmm, I'm in. LORELAI: Okay, good. Well go home. And I need to finish up a few things around here. I'll see you there in about an hour. RORY: Deal. Yeah, fun. LORELAI: Okay. And no talking. RORY: Except for smack talking because I am so gonna kick your butt in racquetball. NO no I mean, my balls - they're gonna bounce way further than your balls. LORELAI: Okay, well, you haven't seen my great top... flick wrist... RORY: We'll learn the terms. LORELAI: Go home and study. LORELAI'S HOUSE - RORY'S ROOM [Rory is unpacking finds the rocket and stands it on the desk, Cell phone ringing] RORY: Hello? LOGAN: Miss me? RORY: Logan, where are you? LORELAI: Heathrow. I just landed. RORY: I miss you so much. LOGAN: I miss you, too. I've been here 2 1/2 minutes, and I can already tell it sucks. RORY: It does suck. I've heard that about London. You should just get on a plane and come home. You gave it a chance. LOGAN: Are you on campus, I tried you at the apartment, but I didn't get an answer. RORY: No, I'm back at stars hollow. That apartment suddenly felt very big and empty. LOGAN: So, what are you gonna do? RORY: Oh, going to play racquetball with my mom. LOGAN: This is a bad connection. It sounded like you were gonna play racquetball with your mom. RORY: Hey, I could have a hidden talent for it, you never know. LOGAN: Did you open my gift? RORY: Of course. LOGAN: What did you think? RORY: I thought...wow. LOGAN: Yeah, pretty cool, right? RORY: So cool. LOGAN: Oh, I'm glad you like it. RORY: Like it? [Chuckles] I love it. LOGAN: I'm so glad you got it. RORY: Oh, yeah, totally. LOGAN: When I left, I suddenly got worried you wouldn't get it. RORY: Yeah of course. Of course, I got it. I loved it. LOGAN: I knew you would. Alright Ace, I got to go. I just wanted to tell you I touched down. I'll call later. RORY: Okay, bye. And thank you. LOGAN: Of course. [Rory looks at the rocket] RACQUETBALL COURT [Rory and Lorelai are sitting on the floor talking] LORELAI: Like a remote-control rocket? RORY: No, like a model rocket. LORELAI: How big? [Rory raises here hand about 2 foot off the floor] Is it filled with anything? Gum or candy or anything? RORY: Gum. LORELAI: What? Rocket gum. It could be a thing. RORY: There was no gum in it. LORELAI: It doesn't have a button you can push? RORY: No, nothing like that. It's just a model rocket. I mean, what could that mean? Who gives someone a rocket? LORELAI: I don't know. I don't know. We'll figure it out, though. Rocket, rocket, rocket. Rocket man -- "rocket man." Hee "Crocodile rock" was good. "Bennie and the jets," "candle in the wind." RORY: Are you just naming Elton John songs? LORELAI: He is just so talented. RORY: Ugh. What about space? LORELAI: It's the final frontier? RORY: Oh, no. LORELAI: What? RORY: What if he was trying to say that he wanted space away from me? LORELAI: No. [Two guys come into the court] Oh, hi, we're not done racquetballing. We've got it for like an hour. Thanks, though. RORY: Hey, maybe it's code. Like I'm his rocket, right? Like I'm his rock, E.T. I'm his rock in the eastern time zone. LORELAI: That's dumb. RORY: Yeah, like rocket gum is sweeping the nation. LORELAI: When I have made $1 zillion from my rocket-gum invention, you will eat those words. Or more likely, chew those words and blow a bubble with them, 'cause did I mention that rocket gum is bubble gum? But instead of blowing bubbles, it releases helium that shoots the chewer up into space. RORY: I don't think this is helping me understand the state of my relationship with Logan. And we're not even supposed to be talking. LORELAI: You started it. RORY: I did start it. So maybe now you would like to talk about Luke? LORELAI: You know what, I'd rather racquetball. RORY: Seriously? LORELAI: Come on. [She puts on a head band and they get up] What do you think? Against the wall? RORY: Yeah, why not. LORELAI: Okay. Ready? RORY: Ready. LORELAI: [hits the ball which bounces back and hits her in the eye] Ow! RORY: You okay? LORELAI: Okay. RORY: We're done. [SCENE_BREAK] LORELAI'S HOUSE - BATHROOM RORY: See, it's starting to swell. LORELAI: It is starting to swell. Either that or the rest of my face is shrinking. RORY: I think we should put something on it. LORELAI: Uh, concealer and loose powder? RORY: Ice mum, I think we should put ice on it. LORELAI: So boring. Neosporin and an eye patch? Bactine, bacitracin, hydrogen peroxide. Winnie the pooh band-aids? RORY: I'm getting you some ice. LORELAI: Good lord. Where'd I get all this stuff? LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN RORY: How can you not have ice? LORELAI: You know I don't cook. RORY: That is not cooking. That is the opposite of cooking. That's freezing. All you have in here are like batteries and film and something I think used to be an ice cream sandwich. RORY: How old is that film? LORELAI: Ugh, 1999. Bad hair year for me, skirts were the wrong length, cut me right at the calf. I can't bring myself to develop it. RORY: You're not putting shaving cream on your eye. LORELAI: No, just getting rid of some of Luke's things...Steak. RORY: Huh? LORELAI: Steak is supposed to be good for a black eye. RORY: Frozen peas. LORELAI: Why would I put peas in my eye? RORY: No, like a bag of frozen peas. It molds to the contour of your face. LORELAI: But steak has actual healing properties. Something about the juices or the fats is good for the skin. RORY: I'm going to Doose's to get you some ice. LORELAI: And steak. And peas. And ice cream! That would feel good on my eye. And then when I'm done using it, we can eat it. It's black-eye dinner. RORY: Says the woman who can't cook ice. LORELAI: Please. I'm not gonna cook. I'm too injured. You cook. And get some Bacitracin. Whatever we use it for, we're almost out. RORY: Be right back. [Rory hands Lorelai a bettery.] LORELAI: Thanks...See if he has eye patches. RED LIGHT CAMERA - OUTSIDE THE DINER TAYLOR: Okay, everyone, gather 'round. Witness the miracle of modern... LUKE'S DINER LUKE: Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. CUSTOMER: What. LUKE: Does this look like a soup kitchen? CUSTOMER: It's a little depressing, but no... LUKE: Pay your bill. CUSTOMER: Oh, oh, right, sorry. I wasn't trying to skip out or anything. [hands Luke the money. LUKE: Get lost. [Sighs, Caesar comes in to stand by Luke, they look at each other few seconds of silence] Well there's nobody left to serve, and I certainly don't want your company. CAESAR: Thanks, Luke. OUTSIDE AGAIN RORY: Hi, Miss Patty. Hey, Gypsy. Hi, Lulu. MISS PATTY: Rory! LULU: Hi, Rory. GYPSY: Look at the college girl. You home for the summer? RORY: I am MISS PATTY: You look wonderful. If I had known that college was so good for the complexion, I might have cracked a book open when I was younger. RORY: Oh, thanks. LULU: Your mom said you might be traveling in Asia. GYPSY: She's not in Asia. MISS PATTY: I didn't know you were going to Asia. RORY: Well I was talking about it, but that's not gonna happen. GYPSY: Well your mom must be happy to have you home. RORY: Yeah, she is. What's going on here? LULU: Taylor's putting a camera on the traffic light. GYPSY: Big brother is watching. TAYLOR: Okay, everyone. Thanks for coming. Now, as you know, small-town law enforcement presents many challenges. Chief among them, how to police our streets without an actual police force. Fortunately for the citizens of stars hollow, the fine people [Rory looks over to Luke's and Luke looks back, they wave to each other.] at Ingram traffic systems have provided an answer. I would now like to present the latest and greatest weapon in unmanned high-tech law enforcement. Ladies and gentlemen, the Auto Patrol P.R. 100. [Applause] How it works is very simple. When someone drives through the red light, the camera will take three successive pictures of the offending party at closer and closer range. GYPSY: Seems kind of intrusive to me. TAYLOR: Law-abiding citizens have nothing to worry about. Now, we are going to have our ceremonial first lawbreaker played by Kirk. [Car horn honks] Kirk will drive my classic 1964 Ford Thunderbird down the street, through the red light, and the Auto Patrol P.R. 100 will capture him in all his law-breaking glory. Miss patty? MISS PATTY: I'm on it. [Miss Patty gets up and signals Kirk to drive by dropping a hanky, He's off the camera starts flashing, Kirk can't see, the crowd panics as he goes out of control and into the diner, Luke watches in disbelief as he crashes through the wall and ducks behind the counter. Rory and the crowd looks on in shock. Luke gets up from behind the counter. Kirk gets out of the car.] KIRK: I'm okay! I'm okay! [the crowd rushes over to take a closer look. LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM RORY: Okay, do you remember when you begged me to go see "the fast and the furious" with you, and I said no? And then you begged me to go see "the fast and the furious 2" with you, and I said no? Then "the fast and the furious 3: Tokyo drift" came out... LORELAI: Cars, they drift. RORY: And I was like, "I said no to 1 and I said no to 2 - "what do you think happened here, I got a brain transplant or something?" LORELAI: I remember. You were very rude. RORY: Well, I was wrong, because I have finally understood the awesomeness of cars crashing into things, which is a long-winded way of saying that Taylor installed this red-light camera in front of Luke's, and Kirk was supposed to demonstrate how it worked, but he got totally blinded by the camera, and he ended up crashing Taylor's fancy blue t-bird -- which, by the way, who knew? -- Into the side of Luke's. And nobody was hurt. Everything was fine. But the smash-up was unbelievable. And it went right into Luke's and then Kirk gets up, he gets out of the car, and he's all like, Evel Knievel style, like, "I'm okay, I'm okay." And...um... why is everything you own in piles all over the floor? LORELAI: No no wait. Into the diner and nobody was hurt? RORY: Yeah, everything's fine. But what is this? LORELAI: There must've been a lot of damage. Are you sure everybody's okay? RORY: It was a mess, but everything's fine, I swear. What is this? LORELAI: Umm I'm just getting some of Luke's stuff together. RORY: This is Luke's? LORELAI: No, this is mine. But I wore it with Luke when we went to see "jarhead." I was trying to look kind of army, and something about the combination of the movie and the hot dogs at the Waterbury Cineplex made me sick in the parking lot, and Luke held my hair, and it was nice, and now I got to get rid of it. RORY: Oh. LORELAI: [Sighs] Yeah, this pile is Luke's stuff. This pile is stuff that reminds me of Luke. RORY: What's that pile? LORELAI: Those are Babette's intimates. RORY: Of course. So, all these books remind you of Luke? LORELAI: Yeah, those are books I gave him to read, but he never did. RORY: Cormac McCarthy - good call. "In cold blood" - he would have loved that. Well, he'll never know now. You wanted him to read "hammerhead sharks - demons of the deep"? He recommended that one for me. Pom-pom socks. Al's pancake world takeout menus. Hey, you're getting rid of bop it? And a spatula? Why? Oh, oh. 'Cause Luke used to make you breakfast. LUKE: Well he did, but that's not why I'm getting rid of it. Although now that you mention it, the waffle iron has got to be dumped. RORY: We have a waffle iron? LORELAI: Don't get attached. It's got to go. RORY: Spatula? LORELAI: We were having an argument in the kitchen. And he said it was a fight, and I said it wasn't really a fight, it was a spat. He said there was no difference between a fight and a spat, and I said there was a huge difference because a fight cannot be diffused in the moment, but a spat can easily be diffused with the use of a spatula. And I took the spatula out of the drawer, and I whacked him with it a little bit, and he started laughing, and I started laughing, and now I got to get rid of it. RORY: Sad. LORELAI: I know. RORY: Okay, what happened between you two? You have got to give me something here, because you cannot just say that you don't want to talk about it, because I saw Luke today, and I waved at him, and I did not know how to act. Was it an "I hate you" wave, or an "I'm sorry" wave, or "I can't believe you wanted my mother to shave her head and become a Moonie" wave. LORELAI: He doesn't want me to shave my head. You shouldn't hate him. There's nothing to be angry about. You knew we were having problems, right? The whole April thing and postponing the wedding. Finally, I got tired of waiting for him, so I gave him an ultimatum. And he said no. So, that's it. It's over. Here I am, making piles. The third stage of grief is making piles. RORY: Steak or peas? LUKE'S DINER - EXTERIOR [Luke and Taylor are looking over the crash] TAYLOR: No, no, no - this is not my fault! LUKE: This is all your fault, all of it! TAYLOR: Lucas I understand why you're perturbed. LUKE: Perturbed? Do I seem perturbed? I am so far past perturbed that I couldn't look behind me and see perturbed with a telescope. You never listen to anybody, Taylor. You just barrel along and decide what's best for everybody, consequences be damned. TAYLOR: Now, I grant you the ceremony today did not go according to plan. LUKE: According to plan? There's a car in my diner - a freaking car, Taylor. A two-door 1965 Ford Thunderbird in my diner. TAYLOR: Actually, it's a '64. TOW TRUCK DRIVE: So, you want me to move it out or not? TAYLOR: I would advise waiting until our insurance agents arrived. TOW TRUCK DRIVE: It's up to you, pal. It's on your property. LUKE: I don't know yet! TAYLOR: You could have some sympathy. After all it's my car that crashed, my most prized possession. I mean, the paint job alone is gonna cost me a fortune, and who knows what other damage has been done or what my insurance will or won't cover? LUKE: Well maybe I'll come back with a sledgehammer, and you can tell them you totaled the thing. TAYLOR: Now Luke I would strongly advise against any rash action that could lead to undue and costly litigation. THEY MOVE INSIDE LULU: How about now? KIRK: Giant red spots. Nothing but giant red spots. TAYLOR: How's it look under there, Gypsy? GYPSY: Well, the car is fine. It definitely wasn't faulty brakes that caused the accident. Kirk is just an idiot. KIRK: Hey, I resent that. Who was that? Damn giant red spots. TOW TRUCK DRIVE: What do you want to do here, buddy? You want to pull the car out or wait for the insurance guy? LUKE: I don't know I'm not sure what I want to do yet. TOW TRUCK DRIVE: Well I need to know now. I can't spend all day here. Either we move the car right now, or I take off, you leave it in here, and wait for the insurance guys. You got to decide. LUKE: Look, do not pressure me, okay? I do not like being pressured. It's not one or the other. I need to think. Will you people just give me some time to think? LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [The room is almost empty, Crickets chirping, they are sitting on the couch.] LORELAI: Soothing. RORY: Very. LORELAI: Zen. RORY: Thoreau, Walden pond... Oh, I have an idea. [Rory gets up] LORELAI: Huh? Maybe I should just go to Ikea. [Rory comes back with the rocket, Lorelai gasps] I like it. RORY: Yeah. Maybe you can use it as the basis for your redecorating. Use it as a jumping-off point. Make everything kind of gray and shiny. LORELAI: Well, it doesn't remind me of Luke at all. RORY: That's my problem. It doesn't remind me of Logan either. It's so frustrating. LORELAI: Why don't you call him? RORY: Well I can't do that until I know what this is, what it means. See, this long-distance thing isn't working already. LORELAI: Rory, he just left. RORY: Exactly, and I'm already completely confused. I mean, I think we're still together, but that's what I thought last time we spent time apart. I was 100% sure that we were still together, and he was 100% sure that we had broken up, and then he ended up sleeping with those bridesmaids. LORELAI: What is it you guys agreed to? RORY: Well that's just it. Nothing, really. I mean, it was early in the morning, and we hadn't had a chance to decide on anything, and we hadn't had the talk. Now it's too late. He's thousands of miles away, and we talk on the phone, but we don't really say anything. And he's leaving me rockets. LORELAI: Well It's not too late. He's been gone a day - less than a day. You guys will figure it out. RORY: But it's hard on the phone, you know. I can't see him. I can't read his expression. How am I ever supposed to know what he's thinking or feeling? I mean his eyes always give him away. Logan has very expressive eyes. LORELAI: I've noticed. It's one of the things he and Bette Davis have in common. RORY: And sometimes he'll smile at me, and I can tell exactly how he's feeling, and now I can't. LORELAI: So go to London. RORY: What? LORELAI: Go to London. Go be with him this summer. The two of you were supposed to go traveling in Asia together anyway. You don't have any plans for the summer, so go. RORY: I can't just go to London... Can I? LORELAI: Why not? You two could have an amazing summer together in London. Pick up the phone. Call him. RORY: I need to do some more Googling. LORELAI: I'm going to bed. [gets up] So, Taylor's car is... RORY: in Luke's diner. LUKE'S DINER [Luke is sitting alone in the wrecked diner] LORELAI'S HOUSE - BEDROOM [Lorelai is on the bed read when she gets up and strips the bed the phone rings] LORELAI: [Sighs] Hello. CHRISTOPHER: Hey, how you doing? LORELAI: Fine. CHRISTOPHER: I'm just checking in. Had a really great time last night. Don't worry. This is not a booty call. LORELAI: It can't be, 'cause you're not 18, and it's not 1997. CHRISTOPHER: Are you doing anything tomorrow night? 'Cause I was thinking maybe you could come over, and I could cook us some dinner. LORELAI: Christopher. CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai. LORELAI: Let's not make more out of it than it was. CHRISTOPHER: So, you're saying last night was a booty call. LORELAI: I'm just saying, I don't think it should happen again. CHRISTOPHER: Oh. Okay. Well, I'm here for you if you need anything. You know that, right? LORELAI: I - yeah, no - I appreciate...that. CHRISTOPHER: Okay. I guess I'll say good night. LORELAI: Yeah - night. LORELAI'S HOUSE - BEDROOM [Late night, the room is dark.] RORY: I got it, I got it he loved her so much he was willing to wait 40 years alone in space for her. [turns on a light] LORELAI: Hmm? RORY: I got it. The rocket, I get it. LORELAI: You do? RORY: Yes. I have been Googling rockets, you know. Rocket ships, rocket love, rocket London, Logan rocket, and let me tell you, it has not always been a pleasant journey. People are freaks. But then I found this blog, rocket boy. LORELAI: Rocket boy. RORY: Rocket boy. Knows a ton about rockets. And as it turns out, he's got over 200 classic L.E.V.S. LORELAI: L.E.V.S? RORY: Lunar excursion vehicles. So then he tells me that he hosts this chat room, and this is where I get really lucky, because rocketchamp465 was just logging off, and I caught him, and I described the rocket to him, and he recognized it from one of these episodes of "the twilight zone." LORELAI: [Whispering] "The twilight zone." RORY: So I clicked on "the twilight zone" website, and I found the episode, and I got it! LORELAI: I still have no idea what you're talking about. RORY: Uh, when Logan and I were first going out, we were in the pool house one night really late, and we were falling asleep on the couch. LORELAI: Wa wa wa. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Sorry. RORY: Chachi, right? LORELAI: Proud. RORY: So, we were on the couch. LORELAI: Wa wa wa. RORY: And this episode of "the twilight zone" came on -- "the long morrow." LORELAI: That's a bad title. RORY: That's not the point. LORELAI: I'm just saying. RORY: So, there's this astronaut who was supposed to go into space for 40 years, but right before he left, he met this beautiful woman. But for those 40 years that he was going to be in space, he was going to be in suspended animation. So when he came back to earth, he was going to be really young, but she would be really old. So he goes into space, and when he does come back, the woman is still young and beautiful because she put herself in suspended animation to wait for him, but he's really, really old because he took himself out of suspended animation so he could be old with her. LORELAI: How depressing. RORY: He spent 40 years alone in space just waiting to see her, and he was willing to come back as an 80-year-old man, giving up almost his entire life just to spend those last few years with her. LORELAI: Now, are you aware when you're in suspended animation, or is it just like a really long nap? RORY: The point is, that this is Logan's favorite episode of "the twilight zone." And when we watched it together, he said, "that's true love." That's true love! This is the most romantic gift I've ever been given. I mean, I have to call him. I'm going to London. I am going to London. LORELAI: Yay! RORY: But -- wait, are you gonna be okay while I'm gone? LORELAI: Yes, I'll be fine. RORY: Okay, but we're going shopping for linens before I go. RORY'S ROOM LOGAN: Hello? RORY: Hey! LOGAN: Hey! RORY: I'm sorry for calling so early. Did I wake you? LOGAN: I'm actually at the office. RORY: On a dare? LOGAN: It's my first day, so I'm trying to make a good impression. RORY: So you're, like, dressed and everything? LOGAN: New suit, new shoes, even brushed my hair. RORY: How's the office? Fabulous? Do you have a window? LOGAN: I wouldn't say it's fabulous, but I do have a window. RORY: Can you see the queen? LOGAN: Actually, my window looks out on Piccadilly circus. RORY: So, you can just see Elephants and clowns walking past your building all day long? That must be nice. LOGAN: It's brilliant. RORY: Brilliant? Oh, my god. You're turning British. Do you have a secretary named Moneypenny? LOGAN: My secretary's name is Steven. RORY: Steven Moneypenny? LOGAN: [Laughs] Yes. RORY: So...I just wanted to thank you for the rocket. LORELAI: You already thanked me. RORY: I know I did, but I wanted to do it again, because I'm not sure I conveyed how much I loved it in our last conversation. I really, really loved it. LOGAN: I'm glad. RORY: I can't wait to come see you, Logan. I can't wait. LORELAI: I already got you a ticket. RORY: You're kidding. LOGAN: I got it right here. I was gonna Fedex it to you. You'll have it tomorrow. RORY: Oh, my god! LORELAI: So tell your mom you're not gonna be home for Christmas. RORY: Christmas? LOGAN: Two weeks, just you and me. I already cleared it with my dad. I'm still playing with the itinerary, but how do you feel about London, Paris, and Rome? RORY: Wow. LOGAN: I figured we'd do a week in London, then a quick train ride, and we do three days in Paris, and we finish our trip with a four-day sojourn in Rome. We still have enough time for one last night in London before you fly back home. RORY: Logan, that sounds amazing. LOGAN: Oh, hey, I should take off. My first staff meeting. They're waving me in. RORY: Oh, okay, good luck. LOGAN: Thanks, cheers. RORY: Cheers. LORELAI'S HOUSE - BEDROOM [Lorelai wakes up to a car horn, she gets up and looks out the window] LORELAI'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR [Lorelai comes out side to see Luke with his truck full of stuff.] LUKE: Uh...a car crashed into my diner yesterday. There's a giant hole where my wall used to be. It's gonna take a couple of weeks to fix. [Chuckles] It's a disaster, but I don't care. I mean, I care, but... you know what, no. I really -- I don't care. It's like it's not even real to me. It's like my life isn't even real to me unless you're there, and you're in it, and I'm sharing it with you. And, uh, I don't know what I was waiting for, and I don't know what I was scared of, but I'm not. I'm not scared, and I'm not waiting. I'm here. LORELAI: Luke. LUKE: No, don't say anything. I've got a tank full of gas, and Maryland is only 200 miles away, and I've made us some reservations at a couple of bed-and-breakfasts. I mean if you don't want to do the Maryland thing, we don't have to. I heard you say "Maryland" the other day. I don't know whether you were serious. I'm just trying to cover my bases here. LORELAI: Luke... LUKE: I also packed some camping equipment so we can head to Vermont or Maine and, you know, check into a cabin for a week, you know, like a little honeymoon thing. But maybe that's a little too rustic for your taste. Or we could drive to Atlantic city or even Las Vegas if you want to make a real road trip out of it. LORELAI: Luke, stop. LUKE: I also did some research, and we can we can also apparently use a sea captain, if you want. I'm not sure how big the boat has to be for it to be legal, but we can head to the coast, and we can knock on some doors, you know, boat doors. Yeah, that's probably not the most sensible way. LORELAI: Just stop. LUKE: But, no no, you were right. I need to be faster. I need to move faster, I need to think faster. And, well, here I am. LORELAI: It's over. LUKE: No, you can't say that. You can't just say that it's over. It's not over. You can't just decide that it's over. I'm in this, too. You know I'm not gonna let it be over. You said, "be ready now or never." I'm ready now. LORELAI: Luke. LUKE: Let's go. Let's do this. Let's get married right now. Let's go. LORELAI: I slept with Christopher. [Luke looks at Lorelai for a few seconds then gets into the truck slamming the door and drives off]

Plan: A: Lorelai; Q: Who wakes up in bed with Christopher? A: a hasty exit; Q: What does Lorelai make after waking up in bed with Christopher? A: a toy rocket ship; Q: What does Rory receive as a parting gift from Logan? A: London; Q: Where does Rory decide to go for the summer? A: Christmas; Q: What holiday does Logan buy Rory a ticket for? A: 6; Q: How many seasons of Gilmore Girls are there? Summary: Picking up on the day after last season's finale, Lorelai wakes up in bed with Christopher. Confused and mortified, she makes a hasty exit, ignoring Christopher's pleas that she stay. Once at home, Lorelai tries to get rid of everything that reminds her of Luke and ends up practically emptying her house. Rory receives a toy rocket ship as a parting gift from Logan and is baffled as to its meaning. She decides she should join him in London for the summer, only to learn he has bought her a ticket for a visit at Christmas. Lorelai reveals to Luke that she slept with Christopher after he pleas for her to marry him. [6]

MUSIC IN: EXT. COLEMAN PARK - DAY (SFX: CARNIVAL B.G.) TANNER: Hey Zach! Zachary! What did I say about wandering off like that? You have to be careful of strangers. ZACH: Sorry. TANNER: Here. ZACH: Uh, Dad? Balloons are for babies. TANNER: Right. What about that cotton candy? Is that still... ZACH: Oh, no. That's fine. We could share it after my ride. TANNER: I'll try to save you some. It looks awfully good to me. ZACH: Dad! After the ride! I'll be watching you. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZACH RIDES THE CAROUSEL) (F/X: MEN APPROACH TANNER) ZACH: Dad! (PASSAGE OF TIME) ZACH: Dad! (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) TONY: A whole hour for a lunch run, Probie? MCGEE: Yeah, while Ziva and I were out, she asked me to show her the best routes to work. You know, her driving's gotten a lot better. Barely broke any laws this time. TONY: Let me get this straight. Ziva asked you, who can barely navigate the Navy Yard, to show her the best way to work? MCGEE: That's right. TONY: Well, what about me? I know every shortcut in the metro area. I could shave ten minutes off her commute like that! MCGEE: I don't know what to tell you. TONY: It doesn't make any sense. Unless -- maybe I intimidate her. MCGEE: Yeah, I'm sure that's it. TONY: I've seen it happen before. It's a chemical thing. Hard to explain. ZIVA: I do hope you try. TONY: I told you not to do that again. ZIVA: Sorry. I was so intimidated in your presence, I must have forgotten. Seriously, Tony. I do apologize for not asking your advice on my commute. TONY: Don't worry about it. ZIVA: If I would have known you would have felt so... emasculated... is the word? MCGEE: Yes, it is. ZIVA: Emasculated, I would have asked you first. TONY: It takes a little more than an exotic accent and some stealth ninja moves to emasculate me. ZIVA: Only a little more? How disappointing. (MCGEE CHUCKLES) TONY: Don't take sides, Probie! GIBBS: Gear up. We have a missing person. Coleman Park Carousel in Arlington. ZIVA: A child? GIBBS: Father. Lieutenant Commander Alex Tanner. Disappeared an hour ago. ZIVA: Do you always respond to missing person's cases so promptly? GIBBS: Special circumstances, Ziva. His six year old son called NCIS. He's in the park, alone, waiting for us. DiNozzo, you drive. TONY: Ooh, I think McGee wants to drive, Boss. MCGEE: Ah, you know what, Tony? I would really rather have you drive. TONY: Afraid you're going to run over another fire hydrant? Because I'm sure that wasn't your fault. Wait. It was, according to the police report. ZIVA: I'll drive. GIBBS: One more word, you're all walking. TONY: You got it, Boss.(BEAT) I deserved that.(ELEVATOR DOOR SLIDES SHUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CAROUSEL - DAY (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) TONY: Zach, hey. I'm Special Agent DiNozzo, you can call me Tony, okay? That's a smart thing to do, calling NCIS. Good boy. All right, I know this really scary, but I want you to be brave. Can you do that? Okay, I want you to think back to what happened today. Try to remember the details. There's no wrong answer here. GIBBS: What do we know? TONY: Nothing. I think the kid's in shock. ZACH: No, I'm not. I'm waiting for Agent DiNozzo to ask me a question. TONY: What kinds of questions was I supposed to ask? ZACH: What I saw. Why I called NCIS. GIBBS: What did you see, Zach? ZACH: Two men were watching us. I think they kidnapped my Dad. GIBBS: Describe them. ZACH: Dark glasses. One had a military haircut. One had a shaved head. TONY: How old? ZACH: About your age. They had Ipods, too. TONY: It's like a Walkman, Boss. Ipod. ZACH: They were only listening in one ear like this. GIBBS: Be back in a minute, Zach. (GIBBS AND TONY WALK TO THE SIDE) GIBBS: Dark glasses, earwigs. TONY: Sounds like Feds. GIBBS: You really think the FBI would arrest a man and leave his kid in the park, DiNozzo? TONY: Maybe our Commander took a walk. My father left me in the Maui Hilton for two days once. He didn't even realize I was missing until he got the room service bill. ZIVA: Sad, but enlightening. MCGEE: Boss, I just spoke with the Commander's C.O.. He's very concerned. Apparently Commander Tanner was working on a highly classified D.O.D. project. GIBBS: What project, McGee? MCGEE: He wouldn't say over an unsecured line. But I'm going to find out. GIBBS: Footage from the security cameras? ZIVA: Park Security released them to me. GIBBS: Okay, get ahold of Zach's mom. She can pick him up at NCIS. MCGEE: (OVERLAP) Uh... uh... boss. Boss, um... his mother's dead. Killed four years ago in a car accident. GIBBS: Primary next of kin? MCGEE: There is none. Just Commander Tanner and his son. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: These guys are definitely pros. They keep their faces from the camera. All we've got to go on is the kid's description of them. MCGEE: It doesn't look like a kidnapping to me. They don't have any guns. They barely touched the Commander. GIBBS: They could have threatened his son. TONY: Explains why they left him alone in the park. GIBBS: What do we know about Commander Tanner? MCGEE: Well, Boss, he is a brilliant man. A dual Ph. D. from Caltech in Number and Chaos Theory. I was actually reading his thesis online; he manages to link non-relativistic quantum effects-- GIBBS: Well, that's useful to this case, McGee! MCGEE: Uh... the last three years he has been the Navy's liaison with a defense contractor, Q and R software. Been the project lead on something called "Honor." GIBBS: Which is? MCGEE: Classified. Uh... I put a call into the head of security over there. No one's gotten back to me. So I thought I would pay them a visit. GIBBS: Yeah, that's a good answer. Tony, go with him. ZIVA: The sketch artist is done with Zach's descriptions. The boy has remarkable memory. There's also someone here from Social Security to pick him up. GIBBS: Services, Ziva. Social Security is for older people. ZIVA: Noted. Do you want me to tell the boy? GIBBS: No, I'll handle it. Here. Sit down. Put out a BOLO on the composites. (TO ZACH) Hey Zach, good job on the sketches, man. ZACH: Thanks. That's Social Services, huh? GIBBS: Mm-hmm. Yeah, they're going to take care of you until we get your dad back. ZACH: I can take care of myself. GIBBS: I don't doubt that. ZACH: But I still have to go. GIBBS: Yeah, just for a while. Come on. ZACH: What if you... what if you don't find my dad, Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: I'll find him, Zach. I'll find him. Hey, if you ever need me or even if you just want to talk, you call, okay? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY LAURA: I'm sorry we didn't get back to you right away, Agent McGee. We've been having some problems of our own. MCGEE: What kind of problems? LAURA: Honestly, I don't know. I'm only Mister Connell's assistant. I'm sure he can-- (SFX: LIGHTS CLICK OFF) LAURA: That's been happening for the last half hour or so. They should snap back on. TONY: Are you all right, Ms. Osgood? LAURA: Uh, it's Laura. TONY: Laura. FRANK: Ms. Osgood. I'll take it from here. Frank Connell, Q and R Security. You certainly got here fast. WILDER: We just found out about the break-in ourselves an hour ago. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CONNELL'S OFFICE - DAY WILDER: At zero three hundred this morning, our network was breached. We didn't detect the intrusion until we attempted to boot up our main servers for maintenance. FRANK: Since then we've had our hands full tracking down the viruses they embedded in our system. MCGEE: Do we know yet what data's been compromised, Commander? WILDER: It's clear they were going after a working copy of Honor, but fortunately it's protected by a key that exists outside our system. TONY: Key doesn't sound very high tech. FRANK: An asymmetric algorithm key that's committed to memory. WILDER: Without it, you can't get the software to work. It's just random ones and zeros. Completely worthless. FRANK: So you see, NCIS has nothing to worry about, gentlemen. TONY: Great. Except that's not why we're here. MCGEE: Who has the Honor key committed to memory? WILDER: Our project leader, Lieutenant Commander Tanner. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - MOVING (SFX: MUSIC BLASTS FROM THE IPOD) (PHONE RINGS) (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) We may have a problem, Boss. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) May have? TONY: (INTO PHONE) The Honor code thingy Commander Tanner was working on may have been stolen. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) I'm trying to confirm it right now. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What's it supposed to do? (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Break just about any encryption in use today. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Well yeah, DiNozzo. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I'd say that sounds like a problem. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) It gets worse, Boss. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) According to the people here, Commander Tanner's the only one who can make it work. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) All right. I'm heading your way. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Just got to drop off Zach's pod thing first. (SCENE CUT) ZACH: (INTO PHONE) Agent Gibbs! (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Are you calling about your pod thing you left on my desk? ZACH: (V.O./FILTERED) No. He's here! (SCENE CUT) ZACH: (INTO PHONE) The man from the park. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Let me talk to your social worker, Zach. ZACH: (V.O./FILTERED) I'm not in her office. (SCENE CUT) ZACH: (INTO PHONE) As soon as I saw him, I took off. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Where are you? ZACH: (INTO PHONE) Outside on the street. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Zach, I'm a ... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... Few bocks from you. Stay right where you are. (SCENE CUT) ZACH: (INTO PHONE) I can't. He's leaving. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Zach, listen to me! (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I need you to... ZACH: (V.O./FILTERED) He knows where my dad is! (SCENE CUT) ZACH: (INTO PHONE) We can't let him get away. Hurry! GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Zach! (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZACH SEARCHES FOR THE MAN ON THE STREET) (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: EXT. SOCIAL SERVICES - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION) (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) ZACH: Help! Help! (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) GIBBS: (SHOUTS) NCIS! Let the kid go! ZACH: Gibbs! PAZZO: Ah, you little b*st*rd!(SFX: GUNFIRE B.G.) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/VINCENT JUMPS INTO THE SUV) WILLIS: Go! Go! Go! Go! (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) (SFX: GUNFIRE B.G.) GIBBS: It's okay. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: GIBBS BLOWS UP A RUBBER GLOVE) TONY: New hires just keep getting younger, eh, Madam Director? SHEPARD: Obviously you didn't get the memo, Agent DiNozzo. TONY: What memo? ZIVA: The one where it explains the next person who calls her Madam gets keel hauled, whatever that is. TONY: It's.... SHEPARD: Unpleasant. Tell Gibbs I want him upstairs. GIBBS: What did the Director want? ZIVA: You... upstairs. I better check on those sketches. TONY: I got a BOLO out on a black Chevy Suburban, Boss. But without plates? GIBBS: DiNozzo, you will spend the next twenty four personally checking each one in Virginia, Maryland and D.C.. TONY: That's like an impossible - I'm on that. GIBBS: (TO ZACH) You keep an eye on him for me. I'll be right back. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) TONY: You know, he was just kidding about keeping an eye on me. ZACH: I couldn't remember when Gibbs asked me, but I think I got it right. TONY: Got what right? ZACH: The numbers... on the license plate. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) ZACH: I was scared, but I remember most of the numbers. TONY: Oh right, Zach! My man! Come on. Give me five! Come on, meet me up high! All right. We'll work on that. Good job. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY SHEPARD: Always admired your way with children. Ever think of having any of your own? GIBBS: Is that an offer, Jen? SHEPARD: No, it wasn't an offer, Jethro. It was merely an observation. GIBBS: You know why I get along with kids so well? Because when they lie they don't have the guile to get away with it. You wanted to see me? SHEPARD: I have spent the last hour on video-conference with the Directors of the FBI, NSA, and Homeland Security. GIBBS: Your kind of tea party. SHEPARD: If Project Honor's compromised, it will cripple our intelligence networks. They all want jurisdiction on this one. GIBBS: And you said... SHEPARD: I have my best agent working it. Now tell me you have something. GIBBS: The same men who kidnapped the Commander went after his son. SHEPARD: Have you considered that Commander Tanner might not have been kidnapped? GIBBS: I have. SHEPARD: And? GIBBS: I don't buy it. SHEPARD: Your famous gut again? GIBBS: No. His son. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY GIBBS: Abs, give me good news. ABBY: Oh my god, I got this email that says I may have already won fifty million dollars. And I'm really, really psyched. Oh, you mean about the case? I've been going through Q and R security logs. It's like the Fort Knox of computer systems. MCGEE: Next generation anti-virus software, intrusion detection... ABBY: Crypto processors, ACLs, firewalls up the wazoo. GIBBS: Hey hey. ABBY: Um... okay. No one can penetrate the system, Gibbs. It could be disabled if someone had a high enough clearance. GIBBS: It's an inside job. ABBY: Q and R is monitored twenty four seven. All the employees have passwords to gain access to the system. MCGEE: Like digital fingerprints. Every keystroke recorded for posterity. ABBY: At three a.m. this morning, someone planted a virus into the network. It shut down the security system for exactly one hour. MCGEE: Long enough for our hacker to breach the network, remove the software and plant the viruses. GIBBS: Who? CHIP: The virus originated from Commander Tanner's terminal, Sir. GIBBS: Someone else could have used it. CHIP: No, Sir. The data is very clear. Simply pointing out that Q and R's security system was designed to be accurate under the circumstances, Sir. ABBY: Chip! MCGEE: He's right about the design, though, Boss. GIBBS: Who designed it? MCGEE: Uh, Q and R's risk management team. But all of their people are former law enforcement and military, vetted at the highest level. GIBBS: Commander Tanner was vetted at the highest level, too. MCGEE: Tony is reviewing statements from the employees. I'm reviewing the computer terminals, but the virus wiped a lot of files. It doesn't look good for the Commander, Boss. GIBBS: Wipe that dirt off your lip! CHIP: Dirt? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) LAURA: I feel like I've wasted your time, Agent DiNozzo. TONY: Bite your tongue. You've been great. LAURA: I just feel so bad for that poor little boy. TONY: Well listen, if you think of anything, you give me a call day or night. Home phone number's on the back. (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) TONY: Where've you been? I could have used your help with those interviews. ZIVA: Oh? You look like you had your hands full with her. TONY: Watch your sexual innuendo around the kid. He's had a hard day. ZIVA: He's taking it better than most adults. He's resilient. TONY: Do you see the way he's been acting around me? ZIVA: I think it's because he doesn't like you, Tony. TONY: Kids dig me. ZIVA: No they don't! TONY: Zach. Zacharoo, buddy! Come on over here, man. I was going to wait until tomorrow when everyone was here...but considering what a brave little boy you've been and how much you've helped us. I'm going to make you an honorary NCIS Agent. ZACH: Thanks. I've got to go to the head. (SFX: ZIVA LAUGHS) ZIVA: Yes, Tony. I was mistaken. Your way with children is only rivaled by your way with women. TONY: He's under a lot of stress. GIBBS: Where is Zach? TONY: Potty break, Boss. GIBBS: You gonna speak? ZIVA: I got an I.D. on one of our suspects. His name is Vincent Pazzo. Italian born. Freelance mercenary. Black ops, mostly. Some wet work. TONY: How'd you find out about that? ZIVA: I sent Zach's sketches to some people who owe me a favor. TONY: Well, if he's got the Honor program and the guy who knows how to make it work, then why'd they go after the kid? GIBBS: To force him to cooperate. ZIVA: Then there's a possibility that Commander Tanner set this up to make it look like kidnapping. GIBBS: Keep your voice down. TONY: Shh! ZIVA: That's what I would do if it were my op. The authorities are looking for a kidnapper when they should be looking for a traitor. GIBBS: It doesn't feel right, Ziva. ZIVA: It doesn't have to feel right to be right, Gibbs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT (SFX: SANDING) ZACH: Gibbs, can I ask you a question? GIBBS: Yeah, shoot. ZACH: How are you going to get this out of here when it's finished? GIBBS: Good question. I don't know. I haven't thought about it much. ZACH: I think maybe you could use a crane or something. GIBBS: Yeah? I could dig a ramp. Knock that wall out and hoist it out of here. ZACH: I went sailing once with my dad and Commander Wilder. Didn't go too well. GIBBS: Did you get seasick? ZACH: My dad did. Commander Wilder thought it was funny, you know, my dad being in the Navy and all. You're going to find him, right? GIBBS: Oh, yeah. We'll find him. ZACH: Promise? GIBBS: Yeah. I promise. Do you want to give me a hand? ZACH: Hmm. Don't know how. GIBBS: Come on, I'll give you a hand. ZACH: I don't want to ruin it. GIBBS: You're not going to ruin anything. Come here. See? You always want to go with the grain of wood. Put your hand there. Put your weight behind it. Back and forth, real even. (SFX: SANDING) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Where's Gibbs? MCGEE: Uh... home with Zach. What's up? ZIVA: Commander Tanner's bank statement. Do American's usually empty out their bank accounts before they take their children to the park? MCGEE: You're kidding! ZIVA: Savings, checking, money market. Twenty three thousand dollars. MCGEE: Gibbs is not going to like this. ZIVA: Are we solving this case to please him? TONY: I got a trace on the Chevy Suburban. Zach missed two numbers on the plate but I found the vehicle. Rental car out of Maryland. ID's fake. Credit card was stolen. But that's our other kidnapper. MCGEE: Does the car have a navigation system? Because we could use the GPS... TONY: Two words for you, McGee. Lo and Jack. MCGEE: That's one word. ZIVA: A what? TONY: It's a... whatever. I tracked it down to a parking lot a couple miles from here. GIBBS: Good job, McGee. MCGEE: What? GIBBS: Come on, let's roll! ZIVA: Where's the child? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY DUCKY: Now keep your eye on the coin. Yeah.... and this.... now that, my young friend, is magic. Now a true magician doesn't reveal the mysteries of his craft to anyone else but another magician. But would you like to learn? ZACH: It's in that hand. Isn't it? DUCKY: Oh! So it is. He's quite observant. ABBY: Does he remind you of anyone? DUCKY: Ah, very good. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - NIGHT TONY: (INTO RADIO) Got it, Boss. Black SUV, no rear window. One visible suspect in the vehicle. Should we take him now? (BEGIN INTERCUTS) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Wait. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO RADIO) I'm almost in position here. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO RADIO) Copy. (TO ZIVA) Are you sure you wouldn't rather be partner with McGee? I mean, the two of you seem to click. And we're about to storm this vehicle. Who knows what's going to go down.(END INTERCUTS) ZIVA: Don't worry, Tony. I got your back. TONY: Ha! My back. Listen, lady, if anybody is getting anybody's back, it's me getting yours. (CAMERA ANGLE ON MCGEE) MCGEE: (INTO RADIO) In position, Boss. (CAMERA ANGLE ON MCGEE) GIBBS: (INTO RADIO) Take him down! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL RUSH TOWARD THE SUV) (SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (SFX: DUCKY HUMS B.G.) DUCKY: Ah Ziva, what a pleasure! ZIVA: Doctor Mallard. DUCKY: Oh Ducky, please. ZIVA: Ducky! GIBBS: Are you two done with the name game? DUCKY: Our guest departed this world only a few hours ago, but he was in a great deal of pain before he died. Seems he was wounded. Single round. The bullet lodged under his scapula. The shoulder blade. GIBBS: Duck, I'm going to guess that slug's from my safe. DUCKY: As to the fatal injury, this circular burn around the entry wound suggests... ZIVA: A silencer was used. It was done in haste by someone with little, if any, experience. If a professional did this, he would have not left his weapon. It's untidy. Marks of an amateur. If it were me? I would not have been so obvious. There are literally dozens of effective ways to eliminate a target without raising suspicions. Heroin overdose is popular, but it requires a history of prior use. Of course something like insulin or potassium can be used to suggest death by natural causes. DUCKY: I really must ask you over for dinner. Mother would love to talk with you. GIBBS: They cleaned house. I wounded him when he tried to grab Zach. After that he was a liability. ZIVA: Once, again, I suggest Commander Tanner may be involved. All the evidence says he stole the software. He cleared out his bank accounts. He likely killed this man. You have to admit from an investigator's point of view, the pieces fit together quite well. (LONG BEAT) Or not. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY GIBBS: Abby! CHIP: Ballistics Lab, Sir. GIBBS: Are you serving in the military? CHIP: No, Sir. I was denied that -- GIBBS: Stop standing at attention. CHIP: I just believe it's good posture, Sir. ABBY: What? No Zachster? GIBBS: Abby, you're yelling. ABBY: Oh, sorry. Where is he? GIBBS: He's upstairs. ABBY: He's a cool kid. Reminds me of you. He's like a Mini-Gibbs. Austin Powers? GIBBS: You calling Zach a Mini-me? ABBY: Gibbs, I am so impressed with your pop culture reference! GIBBS: Tell me about the weapon. ABBY: All right. It's a Makarov Three Eighty. It matches the hollow point slugs from the body downstairs. And this bad boy that we pulled from his shoulder matches your Sig. GIBBS: Any prints on the Three Eighty? ABBY: Only from the dead guy. GIBBS: Tell me you have something else. ABBY: I have something else. GIBBS: What is it? ABBY: Chip shaved his mustache. GIBBS: I didn't notice. CHIP: Didn't notice? ABBY: He doesn't notice unimportant things, Chip. Sorry, Chip. Didn't mean it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR - DAY (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: You getting off, Director? SHEPARD: Looking for you actually. I saw Ducky's report on the body downstairs. (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE SHUT) GIBBS: That was fast. SHEPARD: One of the perks of being Director. I get to read all the good reports. What's next, Jethro? (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: Finishing this conversation. SHEPARD: Don't give me a hard time.(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE SHUT) GIBBS: I didn't realize I was. SHEPARD: The man who supposedly kidnapped Commander Tanner is lying dead in our autopsy room. Tanner is looking less and less like a victim. GIBBS: You want back in the field again, Jen? (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) SHEPARD: Tanner has technology that could set back our intelligence monitoring thirty years. Pardon me for taking an interest. GIBBS: And here I thought you just wanted an excuse to spend time together. SHEPARD: I just want to know that this is about more than a fatherless child to you. MCGEE: Boss! SHEPARD: Didn't you notice that we're in the middle of a conversation, Agent McGee! MCGEE: Sorry. Should I come back? GIBBS: No. SHEPARD: (OVERLAP) Yes. GIBBS: I'm simply trying to solve your case here, Director. SHEPARD: Speak. MCGEE: Commander Wilder is here. He works with Commander Tanner at Q and R. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Commander Wilder. WILDER: I went by his house to grab some stuff for him. Your Agents wouldn't let me in. So I bought him a Nintendo to play with. MCGEE: That's the D.S. It's an excellent system. I've heard. WILDER: This is a hell of a situation. Zach's been through so much in his life already. GIBBS: Is there a reason you wanted to see me? WILDER: Commander Tanner is a close friend. I was hoping for information. Over at Q and R they're saying he's a suspect. Do you know the sacrifices he's made to serve our country? GIBBS: I do. WILDER: I don't care what the computer log says. Commander Tanner is no traitor. What's it going to take to prove that? GIBBS: Finding who is. WILDER: Then you should be looking at Q and R's civilian employees, because right now they're falling all over themselves to try and protect their collective asses. What about Zach? Where's he staying? GIBBS: With me. WILDER: I'm the closest thing he has to family. I can take him home with me. GIBBS: Can't do that. He's under protective custody. WILDER: You mean they're after Zach, too? GIBBS: We'll take good care of him, Commander. WILDER: I'm just going to say goodbye. (WILDER WALKS TO ZACH) MCGEE: Boss, so did you tell him we think Tanner's innocent? GIBBS: We don't know he is. Do you have something to say, McGee? TONY: I've been going through the evidence we bagged from the vehicle, Boss. Prepaid burn phone. Guess whose number's on the caller I.D.? Frank Connell, Q and R office. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OFFICE - DAY FRANK: What the hell are you doing here? LAURA: I couldn't stop them, Mister Connell. TONY: It's not her fault. She was overwhelmed by a Federal search warrant. FRANK: This is completely out of line. I have been nothing but cooperative. TONY: Explain why you called the kidnappers from this office the day the Honor Code went missing. FRANK: That's a ridiculous accusation. TONY: Denying you were here? FRANK: I said in my statement I was working late that night. GIBBS: So you made the call. MCGEE: Someone's tampered with this hard drive. Tried to erase the command logs the morning of the robbery. FRANK: We had a virus. It corrupted thousands of files. GIBBS: Is that what happened, McGee? MCGEE: I can't tell 'till we get back to the lab. GIBBS: Okay, bag and tag. MCGEE: You cannot remove that computer from this building! TONY: Don't worry. You're going with it. FRANK: Go up and call the lawyers. TONY: (V.O.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT TONY: Hey. ZIVA: Gibbs got Connell talking yet? TONY: His lawyer won't let him talk, so Gibbs is giving him the old stare. ZIVA: Gibbs does it much better. TONY: Apple for the teacher? ZIVA: It's for McGee. He's been very generous with me. Helping me adjust to this new city. TONY: So you're giving him an apple? ZIVA: It's a small gesture. TONY: Well if you want to thank him, why don't you just get him a date? Gibbs wants to know if you've got anything he can use on Connell. ZIVA: Frank Connell's a deacon at his church. Never had a moving violation, let alone a parking ticket. And he calls his mother every Sunday. The man is spic and spam. TONY: The saying is spic and span. Spam is lunch meat. ZIVA: Oh. What exactly is span then? TONY: Span is... I'll get back to you on that. ZIVA: In my opinion, Frank Connell is not involved in this. TONY: Oh, good. I'll let Gibbs know right away because he loves to hear our opinions. ZIVA: He's distracted by his affections for Zach. TONY: Gibbs doesn't get distracted. ZIVA: What do you call it then? TONY: The Boss moves in mysterious ways. Get this to him. ZIVA: Why me? TONY: Because I'm going to go see your little buddy McGee. ZIVA: Hey, put that back! TONY: I'm just bringing it to him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - NIGHT TONY: Progress report, McGee. MCGEE: Ah, well I think that Frank Connell put a trace on Commander Tanner's computer. TONY: Think? MCGEE: Well, I've got scraps of code, protocols, commands. He might have put the trace in, collected Tanner's passwords, stolen the software. ABBY: Might have and think are not going to make Gibbs happy. MCGEE: Well, whoever wiped his files did a really good job, because there is nothing left but fragments. Can't Gibbs just break Connell in interrogation? TONY: Not with a five hundred dollar an hour defense attorney breathing down his neck. Puts it on you, McGee. MCGEE: Well, nothing I have found contradicts any of the evidence we had against Commander Tanner. TONY: I'm with you, Probie. But he's feeling pretty strong about this one. MCGEE: Has anyone considered the fact that Gibbs may be wrong this time? ABBY: (GASPS) McGee, bite your tongue! Gibbs knows what he's doing. We just have to show him love. TONY: We show the love, Abby. Just don't want to let the bad guys get away while we're doing it. Almost blocked my shot there, Chipper. Ever play ball? CHIP: College. TONY: Oh, yeah? Me, too. ABBY: Tony here ran point for Ohio State. TONY: What conference did you play in? CHIP: We didn't exactly have a conference. TONY: Division? CHIP: Not really. It was more of an intramural thing. TONY: Skins and moustaches? ABBY: Whatcha got for me? Chip? CHIP: Fingerprint analysis results. ABBY: You're free to go, Chip. CHIP: Oh, I don't mind staying late, Ma'am. ABBY: Go home Chip, please! CHIP: Is that an order? ABBY: Yes! Go!(CHIP WALKS O.S.) MCGEE: I don't know how you concentrate around that guy. ABBY: I know. No, no, no, no, no! No! I'm too good at what I do. MCGEE: No, you're not. ABBY: I am. And Gibbs is going to hate me for it! MCGEE: What happened? ABBY: Oh, it's the following up on the murder weapon, double checking to see if there's anything I missed. MCGEE: Was there? ABBY: Fingerprints. MCGEE: On the gun?! ABBY: On the rounds in the magazine. MCGEE: Well that's great! ABBY: Most people get obsessed about cleaning the grip and the trigger. They don't think twice about the bullets. Now we've got a nice partial thumb, a forefinger, and a perfect index print. MCGEE: Amazing. ABBY: Yeah, I know. MCGEE: So whose prints are they? ABBY: Commander Tanner's. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT GIBBS: Yeah. Yeah, at this rate we'll have her seaworthy in no time. ZACH: Maybe my dad can help when he gets back. GIBBS: Hubba-hubba. Dinner at the White House? SHEPARD: A date, actually. GIBBS: Must be an important guy for you to get all decked out. SHEPARD: I'd prefer if you just told me that you liked my dress. GIBBS: I haven't decided yet. SHEPARD: (TO ZACH) Do you mind giving us a moment? GIBBS: Zach, why don't you go upstairs and grab a soda. (ZACH WALKS O.S.) SHEPARD: How long are you planning on keeping Frank Connell locked up? GIBBS: You make a house call to reprimand me, Jen? SHEPARD: You've got Commander Tanner's fingerprints on the bullets of the murder weapon. GIBBS: Well, I'm not sure he did it. SHEPARD: Why? And don't tell me your famous gut again. Zach is a great kid, Jethro. Doesn't mean his father's not a b*st*rd. GIBBS: He might be, but Zach's our only link to him. SHEPARD: You think he might make another attempt to get Zach back? GIBBS: If he does I'll be waiting for him. ZACH: My dad didn't do anything wrong! SHEPARD: It's a complicated situation. ZACH: It's not! SHEPARD: Zach... GIBBS: Zach, there is evidence he did something wrong. ZACH: It doesn't matter. I know in my, my stomach he didn't do anything wrong. You promised you'd bring him back to me, Gibbs. Please! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Where's Zach? GIBBS: Ducky's. MCGEE: Listen, Boss, I spent half the night taking Frank Connell's hard drive apart. There was nothing. I think we need to accept that Commander Tanner sold the software. GIBBS: I'm not accepting anything. MCGEE: Boss... GIBBS: We need to look at this a different way. ZIVA: I agree. I just talked to the CIA. They were very cooperative. MCGEE: They were? ZIVA: He owed me a favor. MCGEE: How many people owe you favors? ZIVA: How many dates does Tony go on a month? This is from Kosovo in the late nineties. The man with the shaved head is Vincent Pazzo. The one on the left is Willis Hirst. They were mercenaries for the Kosovo Liberation Army. MCGEE: Freedom fighters. ZIVA: Not exactly. They worked for a warlord as specialists. MCGEE: What specialty? ZIVA: Coercion. GIBBS: Torture. MCGEE: But the evidence we have against Commander Tanner. ZIVA: This is a covert operation. Take nothing at face value. They framed Commander Tanner as a diversion. GIBBS: While they torture him for the access code. MCGEE: Maybe he won't talk. ZIVA: Have you ever been tortured, McGee? There's only so much torment a human body can bear. Strong men break in a few days, but nobody can hold out forever. Not even Gibbs. With a trained interrogator, it can be done in less time. I can get that code in hours. MCGEE: They've had him for two days. ZIVA: He's running out of time if he hasn't talked already. GIBBS: A few hours, huh? ZIVA: Give or take. GIBBS: I'm putting you in a room with Frank Connell. You have forty minutes. TONY: I'd hold off on that, Boss. GIBBS: DiNozzo, where have you been? TONY: Tracking down the convenience store where our dead guy purchased his cell phone. Not easy, by the way. The language barrier between me and Mister Singh was no piece of cake either. But once I convinced him I wasn't going to shut down his convenience store, he gave me his surveillance video tapes. Is this poppy seed? GIBBS: Where is the video? TONY: Abby's lab. Sorry, Boss. She's scanning the tapes now. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: The phone was purchased with cash a week before Commander Tanner disappeared. GIBBS: Pause the tape. That woman's got four phones in her hands. TONY: Zoom in, Abs. Oh, yeah. The lips and the angle of the chin, the curve of the neck. ABBY: Okay, we got it, Tony. She's attractive. TONY: It's Laura Osgood. Frank Connell's assistant. ABBY: I'll make you a print... I hate it when they do that.(TONY AND GIBBS WALK O.S.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CONNELL'S OFFICE - DAY LAURA: What's going on? GIBBS: You bought phones connected to a robbery, a kidnapping and a murder. ZIVA: Gibbs, her number matches several calls on the kidnapper's phone. GIBBS: You're done. Only way to help yourself is tell us everything you know. LAURA: I want a lawyer. GIBBS: Commander Tanner's been gone for forty seven hours. ZIVA: If he's not dead yet, he soon will be. MCGEE: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer. ZIVA: Oh, I can convince her far more than that. GIBBS: How long? ZIVA: Not long. GIBBS: McGee, are you thirsty? Come on. I'll buy you a cup of coffee. (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LOBBY - DAY MCGEE: Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there? (BEAT) I don't want to know. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CONNELL'S OFFICE - DAY LAURA: It was a three man team. I was on the inside. I put a trace on Commander Tanner's computer to get his passwords. I planted the virus using his log-in. ZIVA: Keep going, Laura. LAURA: Pazzo and Hirst grabbed Commander Tanner to get the access code. MCGEE: Who set it up? LAURA: I don't know. We were contacted separately. Money was wired. Instructions emailed on an anonymous server. GIBBS: Where is he? ZIVA: Commander Tanner, where is he being tortured? LAURA: (CRYING) That wasn't part of my assignment. Please, they'll kill me. It's a garage near Coleman Park. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - DAY (PHONE RINGS) WILLIS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah? PAZZO: (V.O./FILTERED) Code checks out. Proceed as planned. WILLIS: (INTO PHONE) All right. I'll go clean up. (SFX: BANGING) (DOOR CLOSES) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/DOOR BURSTS OPEN) (ALL RUSH INTO THE GARAGE) (SFX: GUNFIRE) GIBBS: Clear! Commander Tanner. TANNER: Zach? GIBBS: He's all right. He's safe. We've got him. TANNER: They told me they had him. If I didn't give them the code, they were going to kill him. GIBBS: You gave them the key? TANNER: I had to. They had my son. They showed me proof. GIBBS: What proof?(INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Q AND R BUILDING - DAY WILDER: Agent Gibbs? What in the hell's going on? (F/X: GIBBS KNOCKS WILDER TO THE GROUND) WILDER: I'm not resisting! GIBBS: Too bad. WILDER: I could have never hurt Zach. It was strictly business. TONY: We'll be sure to let him know that. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Are you okay? ZACH: I guess. Commander Wilder was my dad's ... he was my friend, Gibbs. I should have known. I shouldn't have let him fool me like that. GIBBS: Zach, sometimes really bad people are good at fooling you. ZACH: Anybody bad ever fool you? GIBBS: Oh, yeah. More than once. ZACH: Someday I'm going to find them and put them all in jail. GIBBS: I believe you will. TANNER: Zach! ZACH: (SHOUTS) Dad! Daddy! Daddy! You're all right. I knew you'd never leave me. TANNER: (V.O.) I'm all right, Buddy. Everything's all right. ZACH: (V.O.) I love you, Daddy. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE OF GIBBS/ZACH/ YOUNG GIRL) (MUSIC OUT)

Plan: A: Gibbs; Q: Who befriends a young boy? A: his father; Q: Who is kidnapped? A: a Lt. Commander; Q: What was the rank of the boy's father? A: Honor; Q: What is the name of the classified project? A: the code keys; Q: What is the only thing that can unlock the encryption? A: a serious threat; Q: What does the release of the code keys pose to national security? A: Gibb's team; Q: Who is the team that Gibbs is a part of? A: the scheme; Q: What does Gibbs believe the Lt. Commander was not a part of? A: the case; Q: What do the team members take turns solving? Summary: Gibbs befriends a young boy after his father, a Lt. Commander, is kidnapped. The Lt. Commander had been working on a classified project named Honor and is the only person who knows the code keys to the encryption. The release of the code keys can pose a serious threat to national security. Although the evidence gathered by Gibb's team suggests that the Lt. Commander was a part of the scheme, Gibbs believes otherwise due to the strong bond between the Lt. Commander and his son. While they solve the case, each of the team members take turns babysitting the boy.

601 - The Kids Are Alright [Scene: The opening shot opens with the final scene of the season finale, where Joey is trying to decide if she should get a refund for her ticket to Paris] Joey: Fully refundable, right? Clerk: You bet. It's a shame you can't use this. Paris is supposed to be amazing in the spring. Joey: Yeah, that's what I hear. [The scene cuts from her getting a refund to her sitting on a chair out side the Potter Bed and Breakfast, writing in her journal. There are several montages of how she spent her summer] Joey: So I didn't go to Paris. But I totally could've. I mean, what Dawson said that night definitely rang true. Come on, rain man. Your life awaits. Yours, too, you know. He was right. My life was waiting for me out there. But that doesn't mean I had to max out my one and only credit card and fly halfway across the world to find it. Screw that. Instead, I embraced the simple, relatively angst-free pleasures of a summer in Capeside. I read a lot of books, listened to a lot of CDs, waited a lot of tables at the yacht club. Oh...and I met a boy. He was very cute and very nice, and things were going very well right up until the moment he said... I think I'm in love with you. I know. Poor Joey potter. Cute boy falls in love with her. How tragic. But it was a completely inappropriate display of affection. [She picks up a postcard from LA, and we cut to a scene with Audrey and Pacey riding in a convertible car abound the scenes of LA] Joey: Now, Pacey and Audrey, on the other hand, they were smart. They were keeping it simple. They were all about the fun. They came, they saw, they pretty much kicked L.A.'S ass. [Cut to Jack sitting in front of a computer with an email scrolling across the screen] Joey: [Radio plays] Back in beantown, Eric the closeted frat boy came barreling out of the closet, and the two of them had a grand old summer doing all the things that young people in love are wont to do. But then jack succumbed to a fate typically reserved for heterosexual women-- he was dumped for someone far younger and prettier than himself... by e-mail, no less. He was depressed. This much is true. But he got up, dusted himself off, and got right back in the game. [We see a scene of Jack sneaking a boy out of his bedroom after Grams leaves the area.] [Cut to Scene of a high class neighborhood, and then her sitting on a couch in front of her parents] Joey: [Pretending to make stretching grunts] Meanwhile, 3,000 miles away in the Tony Hamptons, miss Jennifer Lindley was the recipient of some very alarming news. Mr. And Mrs. Theodore Lindley sat their only child down and informed her that they were getting a divorce. She was happy... really, truly happy. She thought it was the most functional thing her parents had ever done. [Cut to Joey in her dorm looking at a picture of Dawson, and she goes and hangs it on her wall.] Joey: And oddly enough, what followed was perhaps the truth is, we didn't talk this summer. Not a word. Which is weird, I guess, but at the same time, not. I...I kept meaning to call him. I did. But one week turned into a month, and before you know it... here we are, back at school. What Dawson said that night definitely rang true-- my life is waiting for me out there. I know it. And what's really cool is that I have absolutely no idea what to expect. But whatever it is... I'm ready for it. I'm excited. Bring it on. [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey running through the campus of school carrying her book bag, and looking frantically down at her wrist watch cause she is late for something. She turns a corner and runs into a guy knocking him down] Man: Whoa! Wow. You hit pretty hard for a girl. Joey: I'm so sorry. I'm late for something. Man: Ever heard of an alarm clock? Joey: [Sullenly] I said I'm sorry. [Joey leaves] Man: Yeah, well, sorry's not gonna unbruise my ass, now, is it? [Scene: Joey gets to the office of the professor she is supposed to meet up with. She runs into the secretary who is leaving his office] Joey: Hi. Um...Joey potter for professor Heston. I'M...really sorry I'm late. Secretary: Oh, no worries, dear. He's running a bit late himself. [Joey goes into the office, and turns when a man walks into the office. She turns to see that it is the guy she knocked down on campus, just a minute ago.] Joey: Fudge. [Sighs] [Scene: Outside the School Dorms. Audrey and Pacey pull up in his mustang and Get out of the car, and look at one another over the roof of the car.] Audrey: [Sighs] We should probably wake him up. Pacey: Do we have to? Audrey: Listen, I know you weren't that keen on giving him a ride out here, but what was I supposed to do, Pacey? I grew up next to the kid. His mom and dad want him to go to Worthington. Come on. He's not that bad, is he? Pacey: Well...apart from shoving his somewhat dubious musical taste down my throat, he did take every opportunity to tell me how many times he's seen you naked. Audrey: He's never seen me naked. Pacey: Really! He knows about the tattoo. [Audrey looks into the back seat and screams. Jack Osborne pops up out of the back seat of the car.] Audrey: Wake up, you little perv! Jack: What the [Bleep]?! Audrey: What's this about you seeing me naked? Jack: What the [Bleep] Did you tell her? Pacey: Just what you told me, chief. Jack: Thanks a lot. Thanks a [Bleep] Lot. I confide in you, and this is what I get? Audrey: I'm listening, jack. Jack: Do you remember the telescope in my bedroom? Well, I didn't really do much stargazing. Audrey: I'm so telling your father on you. Jack: Go ahead. He had a peek, too. Audrey: Oh! Jack: But don't worry, he said really good things. Audrey: Ok. Well, then, I'm telling your mother, and she's gonna kick your ass, jack. Jack: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Let me out. I gotta take a [Bleep] Piss. [Jack gets out of the car and leaves them alone.] Pacey: Ohhh! Gahh. Mmm! Mmm. Mmm... mmm! What the hell was that for? Audrey: Mmm. The end is nigh, my dear. Pacey: What are you talkin' about, woman? Audrey: Don't you get it, Pacey? None of the great couples ever make it in the real world-- Sid and Nancy, bonnie and Clyde, Dawson and Joey. How the hell do you ever expect us to have a fighting chance? Pacey: Ok, Stella Adler, what's up with you? Audrey: [Sighs] The summer is over, Pacey. The return to dull normalcy begins now. I mean, look at all of these... civilians going about their business... marching off to class, buying their little books. It's enough to make a girl wanna blow chunks. Pacey: Speaking of, why aren't you marchin' off with 'em? Audrey: Because nothing ever happens on the first day of class. It's a total waste. Pacey: Naturally. Audrey: Did you have a nice summer, Pacey? Pacey: I had a fantastic summer. Thank you so much for showing me your L.A. And thank you for introducing me to your father, without whom I wouldn't have a single job prospect at the moment. Audrey: Yeah, you want to know something? You weren't supposed to actually impress my father, Pacey. Pacey: What was I suppose to do, creep the guy out? Audrey: Yes. But that's not the point. Pacey: Really? What's the point? Audrey: The point is that I don't want you to turn into some lame 9-to-5er on me, Pacey. Pacey: Well, I'll...try, miss Liddell, but I do actually need a job, and it would be nice to have just a little bit of disposable cash for a change. Audrey: We live in a city with, like, 8 million restaurants. Take your pick. Pacey: Or maybe I want something better for myself. Perhaps Pacey actually wants his very own shot at greatness. Besides, the party can't go on forever, baby. Audrey: Blah blah, blah blah, blah blah. Will you bring my bags in? Pacey: Yes. Ok. [Scene: Heston's Office. Professor Heston is going through a folder at his desk, as Joey is sitting in a chair on the opposite side of the desk.] Heston: [Chuckles] Joey: What? Heston: I--I can't believe that you said fudge. Joey: Oh. It just... kind of came out. Heston: I mean, it's so silly. Even Doris, my secretary, would probably go for the more hard-core version of my favorite expletive. Joey: Well, Doris is clearly a tough broad. Heston: Uh-huh. Hey, tomorrow's your birthday. Joey: That's right. Heston: Any big plans? Joey: Uh, no. Heston: Oh, it's just as well. You don't have much to celebrate. It says here that, uh, your scholarship barely covers your tuition. Do you have a job? Joey: Uh, no. Heston: Are you looking for one? Joey: Yes. Heston: There's an opening in the English department. Research assistant. You interested? Joey: Sure, maybe. Heston: "Sure, maybe." This is a job, Joey, that students stab each other in the back for. Think about it. Let me know. Oh, now, this-- this is a problem. Joey: What? Heston: It says here you're signed up for my lit class. Joey: Oh, yeah, I... thought it looked interesting. Heston: It's also a little advanced for a sophomore. Joey: Obviously you don't know me, professor Heston, because, if you did, you would realize that my sophomore status, it's a total non-issue. Um, besides, I've read most of the books on the reading list. Heston: How about last exit to Brooklyn? Did you read that book? Joey: Last exit to Brooklyn. Um... [nods head no] Heston: I'll make you a deal. You finish it before the first class and I'll try and forget the fact that you're just a lowly sophomore. Ok? Joey: Ok. Wait--before the first class? The first class is today. Heston: That's right. Joey: At 3:00. Heston: Yeah. What's your point? Joey: Nothing. Forget it. [Scene: Gram's House. Grams is making some lunches, when Jen comes down into the kitchen with a huge smile on her face.] Jen: Good morning, grandmother. Grams: Good morning, granddaughter. Jen: Grams— Grams: I have something to— Jen: Have I ever told you that you are my hero? That you're everything that I've ever wanted to be? Grams: Well, that's lovely, dear. Jen: Grams, do you notice anything different about me this morning? Grams: No. Jen: Well, as it just so happens, I'm happy. Today's the first day of my sophomore year and, really, I couldn't be more pleased. I don't know if you've noticed this, but I'm generally a dour sort. Grams: No. Really? I wasn't aware of that. Jen: Yes, and while I'm still somewhat disgusted with life, I find myself suddenly happy to be here. Grams: Well, that's-- that's nice, dear. Jen: You know what I think it is? I think that the disillusion of the Lindley marriage has actually restored my faith in humanity. I mean, if those 2 loons can take steps to improve the quality of their lives and--and the lives of those around them, then anything is possible. [Grams turns and looks at her] What? Grams: What's happened to my granddaughter? If you've eaten her I want you to spit her out this instant. [Telephone rings] Grams: Hello? Oh, hello, Mr. Smalls. No, I don't have any plans. I'd love to accompany you to tea at the Boston museum of art. Oh, my. Oh, my. That would just be lovely. [Jen leaves the kitchen and runs into Jack coming down the stairs with a guy, and stops them, then looks into the kitchen and waits until Grams is out of view, then waves them on] [Scene: Joey's Dorm room. Pacey is lying down on Audrey's bed, rubbing his eyes, when Joey comes into the room. Audrey is in the bathroom with the door closed. Pacey jumps up and goes over to Joey] Joey: Hey, you. Pacey: Oh, Joey. Thank god. Look, there's no time right now, but, no matter what happens in the next 30 seconds, or what I do, you do not want me to crash here with you guys. Got it? Just— [Audrey comes out of the bathroom] Pacey: Hi. Audrey: Joey potter, as I live and breathe. Joey: My nemesis. Welcome back. Audrey: Thank you. Hey, can, um, Pacey stay with us for a couple days? Joey: Um... uh, you know what? Now is not really the best time. Uh... I've got a lot of studying to do, and, well, I mean, you know Pacey. I mean, he's kind of like a child. If he doesn't get enough attention, he starts to act out, and then there's the burping, the farting, the chronic hal-- it's disgusting, really. Audrey: Don't I know it. Pacey: Hey, I'm standing right here. Joey: I'm sorry, I can't be a party to it. Audrey: I understand. All right, well, it looks like you're shacking up with grams, amigo. Pacey: Well, that's just great. You know, after all we've been through together, Joey, I really thought you'd be cooler about this. I'm actually a little hurt. Joey: Well, when you put it that way— Pacey: Oh, no. No, no, no. Don't you try to weasel out of this now. The damage is done. Let's go, Liddell. Audrey: Oh, hey! What are we doing tonight? Joey: Well, I don't know. Audrey: We could go out and celebrate. Joey: Ah, you want to celebrate my return to Worthington? Audrey: That is so sweet, Joey. Right, 'cause that's the only thing we could potentially celebrate. Joey: Obviously. Audrey: All right, well, later, bunny. [They leave and Joey sits on her bed and begins reading] [Telephone rings and the answering machine picks up, and Joey just listens to the message.] Dawson: Joey. Hey, it's me, Dawson. Long time, no talk, huh? Heh. Uh, listen, I'm in town, actually, for the weekend. Um, I was wondering if you wanted to get together, maybe for, uh, some coffee or something. British guy: Get off the bloody phone, leery! I'm not paying you to chat up some bird! Dawson: Hold on. One second, Todd. Uh, Joey, if you get this, meet me at 2:00 at, um, this coffee shop. Paleo sun. It's on the corner of front and princess. Ok? I gotta go. Bye. British guy: Leery! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Grams' house. Jack is sitting on the couch playing some video games on the TV, when Pacey comes downstairs in a suit, uncomfortably trying to put on a tie.] Pacey: What do you think? Jack: Yeah. Yeah, that's, uh, pretty slick, dude. Nice fit. Looks better on you, actually, than it does on me. Pacey: You don't think it's too flashy, do you? Jack: Uh...what's the job again? Pacey: Well, I'm selling stocks. Jack: What do you know about selling stocks? Pacey: Not a damn thing, but Audrey's father seems to think I'd be good at it. He told me I'm a natural born hustler and I should take advantage of it while I can. Jack: Well, you got to admit, pace, you do possess the appropriate degree of obnoxiousness for that particular vocation. Pacey: Thanks, pal. Jack: Mm-hmm. Pacey: [Sighs] So, this is life at gram's house, huh? Jack: Yeah. Pretty much. Pacey: It's kind of... Jack: lame? Pacey: I was gonna say quaint, but, yeah, lame pretty much sums it up. Jack: Yeah. Plus, it's getting increasingly difficult to have a life, if you know what I mean. Pacey: Oh, yeah. I know what you mean. No, I don't. What do you mean? Jack: Come on, you know. You meet somebody, you like them, you want to take them someplace a bit more intimate— Pacey: Oh. Mmm. Jack: You probably don't want to hear the rest, so— Pacey: well, don't censor yourself on my account. I mean, Pacey Witter is nothing if not a card-carrying friend of the gay. Jack: Yeah. Pacey: You ever think about getting a place of your own? Jack: Yeah. All the time. Just can't afford it. Pacey: Right, and neither can I, but... what if you and I were to get a place together? Jack: You and me, roommates? Pacey: Sure. Why not? Jack: I can think of about a million reasons why not. Pacey: Name one. Jack: Well... can I get back to you on that? Pacey: Ok, I'm finding us a place to live. [Scene: School Lecture hall. Jen goes into the class, which is already full, and finds a seat next to the aisle and sits down, and tries to get situated] Jen: Is this art history? [She turns to see Grams sitting in the seat next to her.] Jen: Ohh! What are you doing here? Grams: Same thing you are, dear. Jen: What, you're in my class? Grams: Mm-hmm. Jen: Oh, this is so uncool. Grams: I tried to tell you this morning, but you were just prattling and I could barely get a word in edgewise. Jen: How did this happen? Grams: Well, I attended one of Clifton's summer school classes and it was such a delight. I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed the classroom, so I decided right there and then to go back to school. Jen: Great. So not only are you going to embarrass me into an early grave, but you're also doing this for a man? Grams: Jennifer, give an old woman some credit. I am doing this for myself. Jen: Ok, fine, but why did it have to be art history? Why can't you take a nice little math class? You know, from what I hear using that part of the brain helps the elderly stave off the early onset of Alzheimer's. [A teacher stops nest to them while walking down the aisle] Teacher: Ladies, am I gonna have to separate you two? [Scene: An Apartment. Pacey comes walking up the a door where the sounds of someone playing the drums comes from. He is carrying a paper in his hands, and stops at the door.] [Drums playing] [Knocks] [the drumming stops and a woman opens the door] Emma: Hi. Pacey: Hey. Emma: Emma. Pacey: Pacey. Emma: Come on in then, Pacey. Pacey: Thanks. Wow. Emma, this place is fantastic. Emma: Yeah, it is. Expensive, too. [Pacey begins tapping drums] Pacey: these yours? Emma: Uh, no, they're my boyfriend's. 'Cause, you know, it's so f-ing impossible to believe that a girl could play a musical instrument that they must be someone else's, right? Pacey: That's not what I-- I got a bit of foot-in-mouth disease. But if it's any consolation, you sounded great. Emma: Like I said, the place is expensive. Are you a student? Pacey: No, no. You? Emma: Yeah. Berklee school of music. Pacey: The drums. Emma: Yeah. Pacey: Right. Emma: You have a job? Pacey: Uh, actually, no, not really— Emma: well, it was lovely to meet you, Pacey. Pacey: Oh, no, no, no. I have this huge job interview tomorrow. If that counts for anything. Does it? Ok. Emma, you have a fantastic place here. And if you gave me a chance I'm pretty sure I could swing it 'cause I also have another friend who's looking— Emma: another guy? Pacey: Yeah, a great guy. Emma: No, living with guys is a terrible idea. It always ends in disaster. I have a lesbian couple coming over to look at the place again tomorrow, and both Debbie and Donna are gainfully employed. Pacey: But do you think they could help you with the drum kit down the stairs every time you have a gig? Emma: From the look of them, yeah, they could. And they look better than you, in fact. Pacey: Ok, I can take that. If you need to emasculate me that's fine, but give me a chance. Let me bring jack by, introduce you. Emma: Look, I'm sure this jack is a world-class charmer, but it's really not necessary. Pacey: I'm not really understanding what it is that you're so fearful of here. Is it the sexual tension thing? 'Cause I know that could be awkward, two guys and a girl living together, but I can pretty much guarantee you that there is absolutely no possibility of either Jack or myself falling in love with you because it-- because-- that didn't come out right. But there's a good reason. Let me try again. Emma: Look, it won't be necessary. Pacey: No, what I'm saying is that neither— Emma: Bugger off, chum. Pacey: Because he's ga . [She closes the door in his face] [Scene: Class room. Jack and Jen are sitting next to each other getting ready for class to start] Jack: What are you doing? Jen: I'm trying to make sure that grams isn't in this class, too. Jack: Come on. Give the old girl a break. Besides, I don't think the history of pop culture is exactly her speed. Jen: Who knows? The woman's crazy. Like a fox. [The sound of a door closing, and jack sees a rather handsome man walk into the classroom] Jack: Ok, ok. I-- whoa. Jen: What? Jack: [Clears throat] [Jen sees the guy as he walks up to the podium and puts his bag down]] Jen: [Whispers] Oh, he's beautiful. Jack: Yeah. What you said. Professor: Welcome, friends and neighbors, to what I hope will be an enjoyable semester. I'm betting you guys think it's gonna be an easy ride. And when you look at some of the things we're going to be studying-- things like the films of Keanu Reeves, the rise of the WB, and why reality TV shows are bad for the soul-- Jen: [Whispers] Do you think he's gay? Jack: You're asking me? Come on, I got the worst gaydar going. Jen: I think he's gay. How much you wanna bet? Jack: How about $1 million? [Imitating Austin Powers] Jen: Done. Professor: All right. I'm available to answer any questions at any time. Truth be told, I'm pretty much just like you guys. A pop culture junkie. My wife thinks I watch too much TV, and she's probably right, but I have a built-in excuse. It's my job. [Jack mouths the word WIFE] Jen: How do you want it? Jack: Hundreds. I'm all about the Benjamins, baby. [Scene: Joey sitting at a table outside the Coffee house. She is reading a book while waiting for Dawson. She starts to get antsy, looking at her watch and back to the book. She continues to do this for a while then grabs her bad, and rushes off. Cut to Professor Heston's class. The class has already started, and Joey tries to sneak in quietly] Heston: Last exit to Brooklyn is considered a classic of post-war American writing. There are in my— [Heston notices her trying to sneak in ] Heston: hello. How are you? Joey: Good. Heston: Have a seat, please. Can we get you anything? Make sure that seat's ok 'cause there seem to be some available over there. This is fine. Where was I? Oh. Right. Last exit to Brooklyn is considered a classic of post-war American writing. There are-- [Cell phone ringing] [Everyone begins looking at their phones, and Joey notices t is her phone that is in her bag, and shyly pulls it out] Heston: If you can't make it stop, will you just answer it already? Joey: I don't want to be rude. Heston: Fine. You don't want to answer it, I will. [He takes the phone and answers it] Hello? Who's this? Audrey. No, this is professor Greg Heston. No, Joey can't come to the phone right now. But is there any message you'd like for me to relay? Sure. Yeah. No, ok. I got it. Yeah, right back at you. [He hangs up the phone and gives it back to her. Several of the class mates are giggling] Heston: So, where were we? [Clears throat] You know what? Before I forget, Joey, turns out Dawson couldn't make it. He was a little crazed, but he wants to meet you and the gang at Hell's Kitchen at, like, 8:30. Ok? Joey: Thanks. Heston: My pleasure. So, where were we? Right, ok. Last exit to Brooklyn. Any thoughts? Joey? Joey: Uh... honestly the truth is I only had a chance to read one of the vignettes. Heston: Joey... it's the first day of class and already you've broken a promise. Joey: I'm sorry, but— Heston: Action, Joey. Not excuses. So, uh... what did you think of what you did manage to read? Joey: I thought that it was heartbreaking. Um... I mean, the people, they're...doomed. It's like a world where the sun never shines. [Man scoffs] Heston: You. What's your name? Hello? [The guy who scoffed, points to himself. Eddie is played by Oliver Hudson] Right, yeah. Eddie: Eddie. My name's Eddie. Heston: Eddie. Hi, Eddie. What's your beef, Eddie? Eddie: I got no beef. Heston: Oh, no, that's crap. I sense an opposing viewpoint. Eddie: No, no, I just, uh-- just, uh... Heston: well, come on. Out with it. Eddie: I don't know, I just feel like it's a little condescending to feel sorry for these people. I mean, who says there can't be beauty in a world where the sun doesn't shine? Heston: You've read the whole book, haven't you, Eddie? Eddie: Yeah. Years ago. It's awesome. Heston: Well, you've got one up on Ms. Potter, anyway. So, moving on. – [Eddie winks at her, then fade to black] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Pacey and Audrey are playing pool. Pacey takes a shot and sends the cue ball flying off the table, and Emma, who is working in the bar, catches the ball and puts it back on the table] Pacey: Ooh! I'm so sorry. Hi. Emma: You again. Pacey: Well, this has got to be some kind of sign, don't you think? Emma: I think it's more like an omen of bad things to come. Audrey: Who's this? Pacey: This, my dear, is ms. Emma Jones. The one who has that fantastic apartment I was telling you about. Audrey: Oh, right. Pacey: And this, ms. Emma Jones, is my sweetheart of a girlfriend Audrey. Key word being "girlfriend." Emma: What are you going on about, exactly? Pacey: That I have a girlfriend. Right here. A beautiful, wonderful girlfriend. Emma: Good for you, mate. Pacey: But I have a girlfriend. So you have nothing to worry about. You know what I mean? Emma: Not really, no. Pacey: Ok, you tell her. Audrey: Tell her what? Pacey: Tell her what a good guy I am. What a great roommate I would make. Audrey: I'm not telling her anything. She's hot. Emma: Well, thank you. Audrey: You're welcome. I don't want you living with a hot girl. You two seem to get along. Pacey: That's great. Changing gears for a second, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Jack. Jack, this is Emma. [Jack is trying to eat, when Pacey turns to him. Jack has just taken a big bite of food] Jack: Hmm? Pacey: Say hi, jack. Jack: Oh. Hi. Pacey: Jack's gay. Emma: He doesn't look very gay. Pacey: Jack? Jack: Hmm? Pacey: You? Gay. Jack: Oh, yeah. Pacey: See? Emma: Well, good for jack, then. Pacey: So, are we any closer to getting the apartment? Emma: No. Pacey: I didn't think so. [Scene: Outside Hell's Kitchen. Joey looks through the window and sees Audrey, Pacey, Jen and Jack all sitting at a table, and smiles and goes inside. We cut to a little bit later, and Joey is standing at the juke box with a scowl on her face, when Pacey comes up to join her.] Joey: This is so unfair. When are they gonna play my song? Pacey: Well, maybe the jukebox rejected it on the grounds there's been plenty enough whiny chick-rock for one night, thank you very much. Joey: Bite me. Pacey: Rowr. [Pacey bites her arm] Joey: Pacey. Gross. So. Now would you like to explain yourself? Pacey: Why would I want to do that, exactly? Joey: Earlier today. A certain frantic desire not to be confined to a certain dorm room with a certain bosomy blonde with whom you spent the entire summer. Pacey: Oh, that. Joey: Yes, that. Pacey: [Snap, clap] Do you remember our particular summer together? Joey: Rings a bell or 2. Pacey: Ok, good. You remember how when we came back we were all lovey-dovey and we didn't really want the summer to end, as such? Joey: Speak for yourself, but... I do recall something to that effect. Pacey: Let's say for the sake of argument that I am not at all unhappy that this summer is ending. Which is not to say that I didn't have a good time, because I did, absolutely. It's just that a different Hollywood party with different Hollywood friends every night and "Hollywood Audrey" is a little... Joey: Exhausting. Pacey: In a word, yes. Joey: Look, I've got a conflict here, because... see, the part of me that happens to be your close friend and erstwhile paramour says, hey, life's too short. You gotta do what makes you happy, right? But then the other part of me, the part that happens to be Audrey's close friend and college roommate says, you know what? You break her heart, I break your face. Got it? Pacey: I got it. Joey: Come on. [They go over to join Audrey, Jen and Jack at the table] Joey: So, where is he? Audrey: "Godot" leery, you mean? I don't know. This is what it was like all summer long. He was out the door before we got up and he was never home any earlier than midnight. Todd kept him really busy, I guess. Joey: Who's Todd? Audrey: Do you remember the director that fired him last summer? Well, he hired him as his assistant this summer. That's Hollywood for you. Joey: What about Oliver? Audrey: [Audrey laughs] He flipped out, hated L.A., Kept saying that he could literally see his soul leaving his body. He left this note on Dawson's pillow that said, "I'll see you in hell, Leery." Dramatic to the end, that one. Didn't you talk to him at all? Joey: Oliver? Audrey: Dawson. Joey: Oh. Um... no. I kept meaning to call, but... Audrey: Interesting. Joey: I'm gonna go check on my song. [Joey heads to the Jukebox, where Emma is walking by when a man begins to beat on the machine] Man: I'm telling you, this thing ate my dollar. Emma: Well, it's a jukebox, not a vending machine. You were expecting it to spit out a candy bar, were you? Man: Are you getting smart with me? Emma: I'm afraid that's unavoidable. [Joey joins them] Man: What are you lookin' at? Joey: A drunk guy with his fly open. What are you looking at? [The guy leaves] Emma: [Laughs] That was pretty good. Joey: It was nothing. You were doing pretty well yourself. Emma: Yeah, working in a place like this definitely sharpens your tongue. Joey: Tell me about it. I spent my high school years waiting tables at a place like this. Turned me into a surly wench. Emma: You wouldn't happen to be looking for a job, would you? 'Cause we could definitely use a surly wench who can handle herself. Joey: Um... I don't know. Maybe. Emma: Um, what's your name? Joey: I'm Joey. Joey potter. Emma: I'm Emma Jones. Well, think about it, Joey. Joey: I will. Emma: And I know the jukebox is all backed up. I'm still waiting to hear "White Wedding," myself. [cut back to the table.] Pacey: All right, well, look, it's been a barrel of monkeys, but I'm going home. Audrey: What?! You amateur! Pacey: I gotta get some rest, sweetheart. Audrey: I don't know, Pacey. If I were in a hiring position, I'd wanna see somebody come in with suitcases under their eyes and reeking of booze and s*x. Pacey: Ok, well, I will take that under consideration, but I'm still gonna go. Audrey: I don't like this new Pacey. Not one bit. What happened to the Pacey of yore? Pacey: The Pacey of yore is exhausted. The Pacey of yore just drove 3,000 miles in 3 days. Aren't you tired? And don't you have classes tomorrow? Audrey: Well, yes. But I also have my priorities. Pacey: Ok, demanda. I'm going home. Brothers, sisters. [He leaves, and goes outside, where Audrey comes racing up to him] Audrey: Hey, Witter! Wait up. Pacey: Aw, come on, Audrey. How many times do I have to tell you? I need some rest. Audrey: Please don't be annoyed with me, Pacey. Trust me. In, like, 2 minutes you're gonna be sorry that you were so annoyed with me and you're gonna feel like a jerk, and I want to save you that pain. Pacey: What are you talking about? [She takes out a keycard for a hotel and hands it to him] Pacey: What's that? Audrey: It is a key to a room in the most ridiculously swanky hotel in all of Boston. I thought that we should spend the last night of our summer vacation together in style. I mean, with all the motel 6s and whatnot, I thought it might be a nice change of pace, pace. And I promise I will let you rest. No sexual misconduct. Nothing. Just total hardcore REM sleep. Pacey: You're right. I feel like a jerk. Audrey: See? I told you that was gonna happen. Pacey: Did you, now? Look, I'm sorry. I just-- I really want to make a good impression tomorrow. Your father was kind enough to go out on a limb for me, and I don't want to let him down because that would kind of be like letting you down, and that would suck. Audrey: Pacey... Pacey: Yes. Audrey: You're getting all serious on me. Come on. Let's go rest. Pacey: I don't know how strict we have to be about that whole "rest" thing. [Scene: Inside Hell's Kitchen. Joey is sitting at the table and talking with Jack and Jen about job prospects] Joey: So I can either work for this cranky professor and advance my academic career or I can work here, be hit on by drunken louts and make excellent tips. What's a girl to do? Jack: I don't even think it's a choice for you, Jo. Jen: Yeah, me neither. Joey: What do you mean? Jen: Come on, given a choice, Joey Potter will always venture down the sensible path, and the sensible path in this case would be to work for professor cranky pants. Jack: Nicely put. Jen: Thank you. Joey: I'm shocked and appalled. That's what you think of me? Jack: Jo, it's not a bad thing. It's just, you know, it's who you are. And we love you for it. Jen: [Yawns] All right. I gotta go home. Our lady of continuing education wants to hit the bookstores bright and early, so I need to get some beauty rest. You coming, Jackers? Jack: You talked me into it. Jo, you coming? Joey: Um, no, I think I'm gonna stick around here a little while longer. What? Jen: Nothing. It's cute. Joey: [Sighs] Go. Go on. Get out of here. [They leave and we see a montage of scenes of the night while Joey sits and waits. She continually keeps looking back at the door from time to time She is there for a long time before she finally gives up decides to leave. She exits Hell's Kitchen and crosses the street as a Cab pulls up to the bar.] Dawson: Joey! Joey: Mmm. [She turns and smiles] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Inside Hell's Kitchen. Joey and Dawson are sitting at the bar, talking to one another. You can see that they are very happy to finally be spending some time together] Dawson: All right, so guess what? Joey: What? Dawson: Take a guess. Joey: You're gay. Dawson: That and... I was on the phone with Steven Spielberg the other day. Joey: Really? Dawson: Sort of. Joey: What do you mean "sort of"? Dawson: He called for Todd, and I said, "hold on a second, please," and I put Todd on. Joey: That's it? Dawson: My hands were shaking. Joey: "Hold on a second, please"? That's the best you could do for your childhood hero? Dawson: I thought for sure I was gonna miss you again. Joey: You almost did. Everyone left. I was next. Dawson: But you couldn't bring yourself to leave, could you? You had to see me. Joey: Get over yourself. I'll have you know that I stuck a dollar in that jukebox over 3 hours ago. I was not gonna leave until I heard my song. Dawson: Ok. All right. My mistake. Joey: So tell me about this movie you're making. Dawson: Um, it's a horror movie... no matter what Todd says. He likes to tell people that it's a Hitchcockian thriller, but that's kind of like saying Happy Gilmore is an homage to Woody Allen. You look great, by the way. Joey: Thank you. Dawson: I don't say things like that nearly enough. The second I saw you I thought to myself, "god, she looks great," but I didn't say anything, so... I'm saying it now. Joey: Is this some player routine you work shopped in L.A. Over the summer? Dawson: Can a guy not tell a girl that she looks great without there being some sort of manipulation involved? Joey: Generally, no. Dawson: Ok, good point. But this is you and me. General rules do not apply to you and me. They never have. Joey: Can I ask you a question? Dawson: Ok. Joey: We didn't talk this summer. At all. Why is that? Dawson: Quick and easy answer would be that I was really, really busy and there just wasn't any time. Which is true, but... it's not really it, because I thought about you all the time, and about what you said about how everything would just kind of work itself out between us and it just... made me feel so good about us. I just...well, I guess I didn't want to ruin that feeling. Does that make any sense? Joey: It makes a lot of sense, actually. You know what this means. Dawson: What? Joey: Dare I say we might be growing up? Dawson: Oh, god. Joey: What? Dawson: That sounds so boring. Joey: True. Sad but true. But I mean... case in point. You seem...different. Dawson: Different how? Joey: Just different. A good different... like living your dream agrees with you. Dawson: I don't know that fetching lattes and having Todd's Porsche detailed qualifies as living the dream, but... Joey: you know what I mean. Dawson: Yeah, I do. So what about you? Joey: What about me? Dawson: Did you do anything special this summer? Did you meet anyone special? Joey: Mmm, no one worth mentioning. And you? [Suddenly Joey finally hears her song play on the jukebox.] Joey: Ah! Finally! Dawson: I know this song. This is a great song. Joey: Yeah, it is. Dawson: What? Joey: Nothing. It just reminds me of something. The summer between seventh and eighth grade, and clueless. Dawson: Was it on the soundtrack or something? Joey: No. At least, I don't think so. Um... we went to see it at the rialto, remember? And when we got out it was pouring rain, your mom came to pick us up, but the car was, like, way across the street so you grabbed my hand and we ran for it. And it was probably only about 10 seconds or so, but when we got in the car, all I could think about was the fact that... you had held my hand. Dawson: So what does it have to do with the song? Joey: It was playing on the radio in your mom's car. Dawson: Oh. [Dawson gets up, and reaches his hand out for Joey to join him] Joey: What are you doing? Dawson: I was gonna ask you to dance. Joey: Are you crazy? Dawson: Yeah, but the offer still stands. [They dance to the song] [Scene: Joey's Dorm Room. Dawson has just walked Joey back to the room, and they go inside and Joey puts down her bag and coat.] Joey: Thank you for walking me home. Dawson: No thanks necessary. It's what I do. All right, I should probably go. Joey: You don't have to, you know. Dawson: I don't? Joey: Audrey's with Pacey tonight. Dawson: Oh, cool. Joey: So you can take her bed if you want. Dawson: I could very easily get a cab back to the hotel. Joey: Of course not. I don't want you walking around out there this late. Dawson: Thanks. Joey: No thanks necessary. Dawson: It's what I do. Make yourself at home. [Joey goes into the bathroom, and gets ready for bed. Joey comes out of the bathroom and Dawson is asleep on Audrey's bed. She goes over to her bed and climbs in with a semi-disappointed look on her face] Dawson: Jo, you awake? Joey: Yeah. Dawson: I'm sorry. I fell asleep. Joey: You must be exhausted. Get some sleep. We can talk in the morning. Dawson: What time is it? Joey: 5 of 12:00. Dawson: Damn. Joey: What's wrong? [Dawson walks over to the clock above Joey's bed and moves it from 11:55 to 12:05] Joey: What are you doing? Dawson: Cheating. I can't wait anymore. [He reaches into his bag, and pulls out a gift bag and hands it to Joey ] Happy birthday, Jo. Joey: You're the only one who remembered. Dawson: Yeah, I'm good like that. Joey: Thank you, Dawson. [She opens it and pulls out a snow globe of Hollywood] Dawson: It's cheesy. I know. Joey: No, it's not cheesy at all. It's perfect. Dawson: You know what you were saying before, about how living my dream agrees with me? I've been thinking about that and I want you to know that I probably would not be living any dream at all if it weren't for you. I mean, more and more I keep on finding myself in these incredibly surreal situations and every time... I always kind of, in the back of my head just think, "what would Joey think if she could see me right now?" You know, I guess everyone has someone who challenges them and makes them shoot for something just beyond their reach. You're that person for me. So, yeah, maybe we didn't talk this summer, and who knows, maybe we'll find ourselves talking less and less as time goes on and life gets more and more in the way, but... I gotta say, Jo, I don't feel it. 'Cause you're with me everywhere I go. Happy birthday. Joey: Thank you. [They hug for a long time, and Joey slowly feels Dawson's hands rubbing her back, and suddenly doesn't know what to think. She slowly pulls back, and they look deeply into one another's eyes. After another long moment they begin to lean into each, at first pressing their lips together and then more passionately kissing one another. The kisses lead into heavy petting and then Dawson slowly lowers Joey onto the bed, and they continue making out, and the camera fades to black]

Plan: A: Dawson; Q: Who returns to Boston after working as an assistant director in Los Angeles? A: Joey; Q: Who has spent a relatively angst-free summer in Capeside? A: Audrey; Q: Who is Jack Osborne's childhood friend? A: Audrey and Pacey return; Q: Who returns from LA? Summary: Dawson returns to Boston after working as an assistant director in Los Angeles over the summer and reunites with Joey who has spent a relatively angst-free summer in Capeside. Audrey and Pacey return from LA with a surprise passenger, Audrey's childhood friend Jack Osborne.

[Scene: Inside Bodie's Pick up truck. Joey is in the driver's seat and Dawson in the Passenger. Pacey is in the bed of the truck. Joey is trying to learn to drive a stick shift from Dawson.] Dawson: You just kinda want to ease into it. All right, it's a very gentle kinda give and take...Action, all right? So...You might want to do it right about now. Wait! [She stalls out the engine.] Dawson: Oh! Ok, remember when I said that thing about stepping on the clutch before you actually try and shift? Is that coming back to you? Um...So you re in neutral now. Put your foot on the clutch that's it! Ok? Joey: I don't want to learn to drive anymore. It's too hard. Pacey: Oh, are we there yet? Look, come on, kiddies. We are barely halfway down the driveway. What on earth have you guys been doin' up ere? Dawson: See, this is a shining example of why friends should not teach friends to drive stick. Joey: You're not exactly Lloyd Dobler, Dawson. Dawson: What is that supposed to mean? Joey: Say Anything, John Cusack teaches Ione Skye how to drive. Dawson: Yeah? Joey: Except, if I remember correctly, he was quite the patient tutor. Dawson: Why, as I remember, she actually listened to his tutorial. Pacey: Ok kids, let's try and find the love up there, shall we? You know, Dawson, what say you and I invite miss Josephine Potter to step out on the town with us tonight? Unless, of course, you've got prior Valentine's Day plan with the college beau. Joey: No, massive midterm crisis. Pacey: Excuse me? What kinda moron would rather shove his nose in a book then take his girl out for Valentine's Day? Joey: Pacey, I know it's a hard concept for you to grasp, but some people are actually dedicated to the pursuit of academic excellence. Pacey: Ok, so then why don't you just come with us? It'll be fun. Joey: Depends on what goofus and gallant are up to this evening. Pacey: Well, as it happens, Matt Caufield is throwing, a massive anti-valentine's day party. Joey: To go to a Matt Caufield party? After everything we've heard about him? Dawson: Why wouldn't we? Joey: Heh. Well, that surprises me, Dawson. Dawson: Why? Joey: Matt Caufield? I mean, he's not exactly of your tribe. He's a creep, and his parties are infamous for complete and utter debauchery. Pacey: Why are you comin' down on a guy for wanting to shed his skin and have some fun for a change? Joey: And why are you dragging him into a seedy, depraved world reserved for bottom-feeders like yourself? Pacey: Ok, guys, this tug-of-war over my morality is entertaining and all but we gotta get going. We're gonna be late for school. Joey: As much as the idea of watching the two of you make fools of yourselves is appealing to me, I'm gonna have to pass on the whole party thing... and make it a blockbuster night. Pacey: You know, that sounds like a great idea, Jo. Who are you gonna get to drive ya? [Opening Credits] [Scene: On the sidewalk outside of school. Dawson and Pacey are walking and talking.] Dawson: Can you imagine the life that that guy's leading? Pacey: Urban legend has it he slept with 6 cheerleaders in one weekend. I'm tellin' you, man, we gotta go to that party. Dawson: I don't know, man. Maybe Joey's right. Pacey: Aw, what is this? Is this doubt I'm hearing, Young Skywalker? Dawson: I'm not exactly cut out for a career in hedonism. Pacey: Dawson, pick up the phone already. This is your call to action. Ok? Your hero's journey begins now, my friend. Dawson: Pacey Witter, the poor man's Yoda. Pacey: You know, I've actually always seen myself more as the Han Solo type. Roguish good looks. Devil-may-care attitude. [Jack come running up to them.] Pacey: Hey, here comes my Chewbacca. Jack: What? Pacey: It's not important. Anyway, have any luck? Jack: Yeah, I talked to some of the guys on the team, and it turns out that the location is completely confidential. I guess Caufield and some of his buddies were afraid if, you know, the cops get wind of it they'll bust it up. But I did get the password. Pacey: What is it? [He looks to the side, giving his profile.] Jack: I know kung fu. [Scene: The Blood Bank. Henry is talking to one of the nurses there.] Nurse: I told you yesterday, Henry, you can only sell plasma every 72 hours. Henry: But I feel fine. Nurse: I know that huge heart of yours could probably fill half the blood banks in New England, but I'm sorry. Henry: Please? I got a date with an angel tonight. And everything is almost perfect. I spent the last 2 weeks working at her favorite restaurant to pay for the meal. I--I've got a reservation at the best table. Now, if I can just sell one more pint, I'll have enough for a gift. Nurse: I can't bend the rules. Henry: Nurse Nicole, somewhere out there there's a guy who thinks about you every day and dreams about you every night. A guy who would sell his blood just to make you happy. Nurse: Well, he's late. Henry: Maybe he's stuck. Maybe someone won't... bend the rules for him. Nurse: Roll up your sleeve. And promise me you'll get some rest before your big date. [Scene: Doug's Police Car. Doug is filling out some reports in it. Pacey comes walking up to him.] Pacey: Hey, Dougie. [Radio plays love song] Doug: To what do I owe this dubious honor? ` Pacey: Just want to hang out with his brother I always have to have an ulterior motive? And what is that satanic racket you got goin' in there? Doug: [Laughs] Oh, listen to that voice, Pacey. Is that no a cause for joy? I mean, is that not the voice of a diva? Pacey: Dougie, if you continue in this manner, you are going to force me to unleash a salvo of gay stereotype humor that will leave you breathless and quivering. Ok? Doug: Always a pleasure, Pacey, but I got somewhere to be. Pacey: Well, look, maybe I could do a ride along with you tonight. Doug: And why would you want to do that? Pacey: Because, Doug, you're my big brother. I look up to you. And call me crazy, but I think it will be fascinating to spend a night in the life of super-cop Douglas Witter. Doug: Not tonight, ok? Pacey: Why not? Doug: Because you would be bored. Tonight I have to suffer through the noble task of staking out the golf course. Pacey: Golf course, huh? Doug: Yeah, a concerned citizen called in a heads-up about some big party at the golf course. So, you know. Hey, you, uh, haven't heard anything about a party, have you? Pacey: At the golf course? Ah. Nah. Nah. I did hear about this rager out on Witch Island but that's not what you're looking for. Any way, thank you, Douglas Witter. [Scene: Inside Andie's room. She is on the phone when Jack enters.] Andie: [On phone]Ahh. Ok, so, you take a left on Dearborn and then we're the third house on the left. So, I'll see you around 8:00? Kate, come on, you have to. Me. I mean, it'll be so much fun. Besides, you have to get your minds off things right? Ok, great. I'll see you then. Bye. [Hangs up Phone] Jack: Kate? Kate who? Andie: Kate Douglas. She's coming from Rhode Island for the weekend to crash with us. Jack: Kate Douglas, as in, my ex-girlfriend? Andie: And as in, a very good friend of mine. Jack: I can't believe you would actually ask her up here without asking me first. Andie: Jack, it's Valentine's Day and she just broke up with her boyfriend, and she needs a change of scenery. So, I... Jack: [sighs] did she mention me? Andie: Well, yeah, I mean, it's only natural. Jack: What'd you tell her? Andie: That you're great. Jack: And? Andie: "And?" Jack: And? Andie: And no, I didn't tell her that. That is so your gig. Jack: I can't believe you. Andie: Jack, hello, it's not that big of a deal, ok? She gets here, you ask her if she wants a glass of water, and then you, you know, kinda mention that you like boys. [Scene: Jen's Bedroom. She is getting ready for her date with Henry, and Grams is helping her.] Jen: What do you think, red or black? Grams: It's Valentine's Day. Red, of course. Jen: Yeah. Yeah, I thought so, too. All right. Grams: You know, it's perfectly natural to be nervous. Valentine's is a very exciting day. Jen: Oh, I'm not nervous. All right? It's just another day, just another dinner. Grams: It is not just another day. It's the day St. Valentine gave his life to the Romans rather than stop marrying young Christian lovers. Ooh, you can feel his spirit all around us. Jen: Oh, it's called a draft, and it usually wafts through open doors around the middle of February. Grams: Jennifer, you are far too Jaded. Jen: Who's jaded? I think it's great that we have a day that commercializes on our emotions. Grams: [sighs] Jen: Not even the harsh jangle of the cash register can keep love at bay. Grams: [sighs] Jen: Something's missing. Grams: You look beautiful, just beautiful. Jen: No something is definitely missing. [She grabs a necklace.] Grams: Uh--an unadorned neck is proper for the first date...Change, purity Jen: And that's so me. Grams: You know, I've often found that the best thing for nerves is to simply breathe deeply. In...Out... Jen: All right, for the last time I'm not nervous. I have absolutely nothing to be nervous about. I I have been on plenty of dates, with plenty of guys on plenty of days, and this is just another date. So- so, please, don't make such a big deal out of it. 'Cause not such a big deal at all. Ok? Grams: Have fun on your date, dear. [Scene: Inside Andie's car. Andie and Kate are in the front seats, and Jack is in the Back seat.] Andie: [sighs] Ok, so, the plan is, is we're gonna meet our friend at the club, and we're gonna try and find this senior party. Ok? Kate: Jackers, you're pretty darn quiet for someone I haven't seen in a year. Jack: It's just weird to see you. That's all. Kate: Have you missed me? Jack: Yeah, of course. Kate: I'm a pretty missable kinda gal. Jack: Don't ya think? Extremely missable. Kate: So, who's that special someone in your life these days? Jack: Um... It's funny you should ask that. Um...Because I think there's something that you should know-- [Kate begins crying.] Andie: Kate, what's wrong? Kate: My boyfriend...When he broke up with me, it started just like that. When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "funny you should ask." And then he told me that he was gay. [Jack and Andie just look at each other through the rear view mirror.] [Scene: Out on the golf course that evening. Pacey and Dawson are waiting. Pacey is acting like he's playing golf.] Pacey: Here we are, the 18th green, Augusta. If Pacey Witter can sink this putt, he will become youngest-ever masters champion. You can see the tension etched all over the face of his girlfriend, acting sensation, miss Heather Graham. Dawson: [Laughs] [Just as he's about to make the “Putt”. Andie, jack and Kate come up.] Andie: Hey, guys! [He acts like he loses control of the putter.] Pacey: Puh. McPhee, you just made me drop my putter! Andie: Whoo! Tragic. Dawson, Pacey, I want you to meet my friend, Kate Douglas. Dawson: Nice to meet you, Kate Douglas. Kate: Any friends of Jackers are instant friends Pacey: "Jackers." I believe she just said "Jackers." Jack: Yeah, well, Kate and I go way back. Kate: [Clears throat] Way back. Jack was my first boyfriend. Dawson: Oh, way back. Pacey: I'd, uh, I'd just like to putt out there. Kate: That I've recently broken up with my gay boyfriend, and I find myself in a highly-charged emotional state. Ok? Thanks for your time. Pacey: Can we have a moment please? Thank you. [He pulls Dawson aside.] Pacey: Did you hear what she just said? Dawson: I know. I feel bad for her. Add Jack, that's not one, but 2 gay boyfriends. Pacey: Ok, I wasn't so much talking about what she said, more like what she's saying. Dawson: And the subtext is? Pacey: That she needs to overcome the memory of her lost love...if only for a brief time. She's lookin' to hook up, man. This night just turned to a teenage fairy tale, and you, my friend, are the big, bright, shining star. Dawson: I wasn't quite looking at it from that angle. Pacey: Well, that's why I'm here, little buddy, isn't it? Dawson: Huh? Pacey: Nuh?! [Joey comes up to join the group.] Joey: Hey. All: Hi. Pacey: Well, that's odd. I mean, this couldn't possibly be miss Josephine Buzzkill in front of me, because I'm pretty sure she was boo tonight. Joey: Well, I came to make sure that I don't lose Dawson to the dark side. Dawson: Joey. I appreciate your concern, But I'm really quite capable of taking care of myself. Joey: Some day you'll thank me, Dawson. And if Pacey insists on being the devil on your shoulder, then the least I can do is be the angel on the other. Pacey: Fine, then. Come with me, sweet little angel. Be my guest. But you are not-- and I repeat--not gonna ruin this night for us. [Scene: Grams House. There is a knock on the door and Jen opens it to see Henry there. His face looks a little pale.] Jen: Hi. Henry, do you feel ok? You look kinda peaked. Henry: Uh--uh, I've been dreaming about this for so long, I'm afraid if I speak, I'll awake. Jen: You are awake. Henry: You're gorgeous. Jen: [flattered] So are you. [They begin to leave.] Henry: We're wearing the same color. Jen: Mmm, black. You know, my grams would probably say that it as a sign of the spirit of St. Valentine. Henry: Of course it is. I believe that. Oh, this is-- this is for you. [He hands her a long stem rose.] Jen: Henry, thank you. It's perfect. Henry: This whole night's gonna be perfect. [Jen pricks her finger on one of the thorns.] Jen: Ouch! Henry: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, no. Jen: It's ok. Henry: It's not ok. You're bleeding. Jen: No. No, that's fine, really. Just a flesh wound. [Scene: The Golf Course. There are 3 golf carts driving on the course. Pacey and Joey are in the first one, Andie and Jack are in one, and Dawson and Kate are in the last one.] Joey: Well, that was about as subtle as an Oliver Stone film. Pacey: What was? Joey: Shoving Dawson on that girl. Pacey: What, are you jealous? Joey: No, I'm worried about him, Pacey. Pacey: Why? Joey: Because he's lost. I mean, can't you see that? Pacey: I wholeheartedly concur with you. Dawson is lost right now. That's why he needs to acquire as much life experience as possible Joey: Pacey, why does life experience need to translate into these wild parties and random hook-ups? Pacey: What would you have the man do? Join a book-of-the-month club? [Jack and Andie's car.] Jack: I'm screwed. I can't tell her now. Andie: You have to tell her. Jack: I can't tell her now. Andie: Well, you can't keep avoiding her all night either Jack: Well, if I tell her, I'm just gonna end up hurting her all over again. Andie: Ha ha. Ok, get over yourself, Jack. [Dawson and Kate's Car.] Dawson: What? Kate: Is there something hideously wrong with me? Dawson: Not that I can tell. Kate: Dave, the guy I just broke up with...The guy that turned out to be oh so very much a homosexual...He used to tell me I was an acquired taste. Is that just a nice way of saying I'm a filthy eyesore? I'm not a filthy eyesore, am I? Dawson: No, you're beautiful...In a way beautiful used to actually mean something. Kate: What w s your name again? [Scene: The Party. There is a large group of people at the party around a huge bonfire.] [Rock music plays] Kate: Rock on. Joey: You know, Scream 3 is playing at the Rialto. We could still catch it. Pacey: Easy, Potter. Joey: How do you think these guys are gonna respond when they find out we're crashing their party without an invite? Andie: Uh, good question and one we probably should have considered before we got here. So, who wants to go get ice cream? Jack: We made it this far, party people, we might as well. Caufield: This is my party, and I don't recall inviting any of you. Pacey: Well, you didn't. Heh then. Andie: Our mistake. So we'll be going now. Caufield: Do you know the password? Dawson: I know kung fu. Pacey: Ok, the . Jack: Well, ok. Kate: Ok. Caufield: Not so fast, kids. You do know about the entrance fee, don't ya? Pacey: Oh, yeah. Of course. It's, uh, what? $5.00 cover this, right? [Caufield grabs a tray of Jell-o Shots.] Caufield: If you'd like to join us, I need each of you to down one of these bad boys. Go on. All the cool kids are doing it. Pacey: Well, thank you, Mr. Cosby. Kate: Red. Pretty. Jack: Yummy. Novocain for the soul. Caufield: Betty, Veronica? Andie: Actually, I'm the designated driver tonight. Caufield: Well, what about you, doll? Joey: It's an attractive offer. Although I'm sure you're dying for the chance to hold back my hair when I inevitably vomit up that nasty keg beer, I'm gonna have to take a rain check. [Dawson takes one of the cups.] Joey: You're actually considering participating in this nonsense? Pacey: Why can't you just let the man make his own decisions? Joey: Dawson, this isn't you. Pacey: You know, your concern for Dawson is starting to border on pathological, Potter. Dawson: Guys, we're not at the gates of hell, and you're not arguing over my soul. [He down's the Jell-o shot.] Pacey: All right, heh heh. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: At the restaurant. Henry and Jen are sitting at the table talking.] Jen: Thank you, Henry. Henry: You're just saying that. Jen: All right, well, maybe I had my doubts at first, but everything's turned out really, really nicely. We've got a fun place to eat, and what's more important is that we can spend some time doing what I was hoping that we could do on Valentine's Day, which is just...Get to know each other, you know what I mean? [Henry is just staring out into nothingness.] Jen: Henry Henry...Henry Henry: Uh-huh? Jen: Am I boring you? Henry: No, no, I was I was just resting my eyes. Jen: Oh. Well, feel free to put your head down and take a nap if you like. Henry: Oh, ok. [He collapses out of his chair onto the floor.] Jen: Oh, my god. Henry! [Scene: The Golf Course. Joey and Andie riding back to their car in the golf cart.] Joey: How does he do it? Andie: Who, Dawson? Joey: No, Pacey. How does he always manage to get us into these situations? Andie: It's his cocky charm. Joey: Cocky, yes, but I don't t think the village idiot routine equals charm. Andie: Well, he means well. Joey: Why is he so irritating? Andie: If you think about it, I mean, he is just this big, dopey dog. Joey: You re right. , It's like he runs through the house destroying everything in his path, and then he looks up at you like, what did you expect? I'm just a dog. Andie: Mm-hmm. Heh. You know who you sound like? Joey: Who? Andie: Me...Right before I started dating him. [siren] Doug over car P.A.: You in the golf cart, pull over. [Doug exits the Cop car and walks up to the Golf Cart with a flash light.] Doug: Evening, ladies. [Scene: At the Party. Dawson is going over to talk to Kate.] [Rock music plays] Dawson: Hey, Kate. Kate: Hey, Dawson. Dawson: I was wondering Kate: You were wondering? Dawson: Heh. Are you gonna repeat everything I say? Kate: Are you gonna repeat everything I say? Isn't that annoying? I'm sorry. You were wondering? Dawson: Uh, I was wondering if you wanted to take a walk? Kate: With you? Dawson: With me. Kate: Yeah. A walk sounds neat. Let's go. Dawson: Ok. [Scene: Outside the restaurant. Henry is on a gurney being rolled over to the ambulance.] Paramedic: He'll be at St. Matthew's Lawler. He'll be fine. Jen: God, Henry, I cannot believe that you sold your blood. Henry: Twice in a 48-hour period. Jen: What were you thinking? Henry: I wanted to make sure I did everything possible to make tonight unforgettable. Jen: Well, you did. Ha. And wanted to buy you this. [He takes a box out of his pocket and gives it to her.] Jen: Henry. It's a ring. And--and-- and it's orange. Henry: It's Hungarian red. Try it on. [She tries it on but it is too small.] Henry: Oh. No! Jen: Henry, Henry, please don't worry about this. Henry: I ruined it. I ruined everything. Jen: It's--it's-- Henry, it's fine. Please don't worry about it. Henry: I wanted-- I wanted everything to be so perfect. Jen: It is. This is perfect. It--it's perfect. [Scene: at the golf course. Kate and Dawson are walking and talking.] Kate: I know what you're doing. Dawson: Really? And, uh...and what's that? Kate: You're the resident caretaker. Dawson: [chuckles] The what? Kate: The gang's nice guy. Freddie friendly. The one who volunteers to take highly emotional and processively wasted types off of everybody's hands so the other boys can go and have fun. Don't worry about little ol' me, Dawson. I will present you with no burden whatsoever. This place is hilly. Dawson: Oh, wait wait a minute. Why would you assume that? Kate: Assume what? Dawson: That I'm a nice guy. I mean, maybe I could be trying to take advantage of your situation. Kate: [laughs] Dawson: And you find that humorous. Kate: I may be drunk, and I may hardly know you, but that's not you. Dawson: It isn't? Kate: No. It isn't. I mean, first of all, who in a million years that was trying to take advantage of my situation. Would use the expression, "I'm trying to take advantage of your situation"? Dawson: [laughs] [sighs] [To the sky] Is it really too much, huh, to ask the universe that that once, just once, just one single, solitary time can you conspire with my desire to have a good time? Kate: Quit whining. There are people dying in the Balkans. Dawson: You be quiet, ok? This is between me and the fates. Kate: Call me loco, but maybe if you just acted instead of hemming and hawing and debating and conversing, then maybe you'd actually see some results. Dawson: [sighs] What is that supposed to mean? Kate: Simply put... If you don't want to be a nice guy, Dawson, when you take a girl into the woods, don't talk to her about kissing her. Kiss her. Especially after you've told her that she was beautiful in the way that beautiful used to actually mean something. Dawson: It's that simple? Kate: It's that simple. [Dawson goes into kiss her, but just as he's about to kiss her she stops him.] Kate: Hold that impulse. [Coughing and vomiting] Dawson: Perfect Perfect. [Scene: Inside Grams. Kitchen. Grams is sitting at the table drinking some coffee, when Jen enters from her date.] Grams: You're home early. Jen: Unfortunately not early enough. The haggard girl that you're looking at now is straight from the date from hell. Grams: Something for you and Henry to laugh about on your second date. Jen: Sadly enough, I don't think there's gonna be a second date, Grams. Grams: Because of just one sour evening? Jen: This was our first real date, and to call it sour would be a kind review. Grams: Jennifer, you have got to get over your preconceptions, about what a date is supposed to be. A date is, eh - even if it's a bad one, is just another moment. It's just another another pearl in a in a great wondrous necklace. Jen: Ok, before you wax geriatric let me just cut to the chase. Henry is right now in the hospital because he oversold his blood in order to buy me a Hungarian red ring which, by the way, is too small. [sighs] Sweet, yes. Adorable, sure. Grammar school, definitely. Grams: Henry never claimed to be the sophisticated sort. Jen: Which is exactly my point. I mean, why go for all this trouble? Why why plan a dinner? Why by me jewelry, if it's not who you are? Grams: Maybe he thinks that's who you want him to be. [Scene: The Party. Pacey is lying down on a section of tree and doing a beer bong, when there are sirens in the background. Everyone starts to run away.] Pacey: Whoa, guys. Yo, guys! What, did I do it wrong? [He sees some feet walking towards him. And then notices Deputy Doug.] Pacey: Hello? [Scene: Inside a jail cell. Everyone is in there. Kate is up walking around, while everyone else is sitting on the benches.] Kate: Do you guys party like this every weekend? 'cause I gotta say this has been the most fun I've had in a really long time. I mean, I am just so over my ex-boyfriend right now. Jack: I am really glad to hear you say that, Kate, 'cause I think there's something you really need to know. Andie: [Whispering to Jack] You are not gonna tell her in an enclosed space. Kate: Hey, I heard that. Tell me what in an enclosed space? Jack: Hey look, I know this isn't the optimum time to do this, all right? But I...All right, look. I Kate: Oohh I know what this is. You're not over me, are you, Jack? Jack: No, no, th-th-that's not it. Not to suggest that you're easily get-overable or an thing, but...The thing is...I... Kate: Oh, my god. You're gay, aren't you? [Laughs] Oh, god! But we had... Jack: Ah. Yeah, we did. Kate: And you were good. Jack: Thanks. But that doesn't really have any bearing on our current situation. I'm still gay. Kate: [To Dawson.] Are you gay, too? Dawson: Me? No. Kate: Are you sure? Because apparently only gay guys will kiss me. Joey: You kissed her Kate: I... [Sighs] he started to, but my less-than-iron stomach napalmed the moment. Joey: Dawson, what were you thinking? Dawson: I wasn't. Ha ha, for a fleeting moment I actually wasn't thinking, and it felt good. Kate: To take advantage of a girl who was drunk, vulnerable, and clearly on the rebound? I mean, is it just me, Dawson, or is this jaw-droppingly out of character? Dawson: What character, Joey? The little sketch in your head that you have labeled "Dawson" Look, this might not be the me that you're used to, and I might make a complete fool out of myself, but you have to start letting me make some mistakes. Pacey: [In a DJ Voice.] Here we go again kiddies. For the 476th time this hour, our number one billboard chart topper, "The ballad of Dawson and Joey." Will those 2 cry kids ever get back together again? Boy, I sure hope so. Joey: Look, Pacey, would you stay out of it? Pacey: Oh, of course. Far be it from me, lowly creature that I am, to ever tread on the sanctity of the Dawson and Joey dynamic. I'm sorry, it's just that I find the way at you treat him so fascinating, Potter. Joey: And how is that, Dr. Witter? Pacey: Like he's some weird, neutered, little virginal creature. Joey: What's your problem? Pacey: Huh. I don't have a problem. I am but a Greek chorus, here to observe and interpret. Dawson: Pacey... Joey: When did you adopt this mean streak? Pacey: Come on, Joey, you and I... We've always been known foe the snap, crackle, and pop of our repartee. Joey: Right. The good-natured but to my recollection, I don't remember it ever being pointed, and it's never been hurtful. Pacey: Or even being taken so seriously. Joey: But how could I not take it seriously, Pacey? And you've said one harsh, nasty thing after another to me tonight. What did I really do to deserve all that? Pacey: You didn't do anything to deserve this. The drunken lout in the corner just pleads sheer frustration. I mean, honestly, do you have any idea how exhausting it is to exist on your periphery to witness this perpetual dance that you two have? One week you're soul mates, the next week you're giving each other up for the greater good. I mean, do you think it's possible at sometime soon you could make up your mind, please? Yeah, and the reverence that you two treat this little saga of yours with, it's enough to make a guy wanna puke. [at that he gets up and runs to the sink. And vomits into it.] [Scene: Later at the jail cell. Everyone is sitting there quietly when, Doug and Mitch show up at the door.] Doug: All right. Everyone out. [They begin to file out of the door past Doug and Mitch who is eyeing Dawson with disappointment.] Doug: Everyone, [Door slams] Doug: Except you, little brother. Dad thinks it might be a good idea if you spend the night. [Scene: Henry's hospital room. Henry is there eating from a Jell-o Cup, when Jen comes into the room.] Henry: Jell-o? Jen: [giggles] What is it about hospitals always serving jell-o? Do they think it has some sort of miraculous healing power? Henry: [sniffs] I'm sorry I can't offer you more. Jen: No, I'm sorry. Henry, I think that I may have been, um...Just a a bit more anxious than I I let on about this whole thing. Henry: You? Anxious, really? Jen: Yeah. Um...See, when at the Chapin school, um, Valentine's was the day when the guy that I was dating would take out the girl that he really liked, give her presents, and chocolates Henry: I I don't believe that for Jen: Yeah. Well, it's true. All right, I've never had a date on Valentine's day...Let alone a first date, so...I think that my my need to fulfill that experience is what got the better of both of us. Henry: That's one way to put it. [chuckles] Jen: If we're gonna continue dating, and and I I'd like that, um, what do you say that we start acting more like ourselves and less like a couple in our thirties? Henry: Does this mean you want me to return the ring? Jen: Not on your life! This is the best-looking Hungarian red pinky-ring I've ever gotten. [sighs] and besides, it reminds me of you, which makes it pretty invaluable. [She grabs one of the jell-o cups.] Jen: [Clicks tongue] mind if I do? Henry: Do you realize what we're doing? We're having a date. No floods, no earthquakes, no locusts Jen: Shh shh shh! Let's just not think about what could go wrong. Let's just eat the jell-o. Henry: There's always room for jell-o. [Scene: Spare room at Jack and Andie's house. Jack and Kate are there folding up some clothes and talking.] Jack: So you ok? Kate: Yeah. Ya know, I'm starting to realize that there's something kinda cool about a relationship not working 'cause the guy turns out to be gay. I mean, sure, it's heartbreaking in its own way, but... It's not my fault. There's nothing I can do about it. Jack: Of course it's now your fault. Kate: It's not your fault, either. Jack: [exhales] I know. Kate: Do you? Why were you so afraid to tell me? Jack: I didn't want to upset you. Kate: Mm-mmm. Nope. Not buying it. You're gonna have to do better than that, Jackers. Jack: Uh, heh. Ok, um. When you and I were seeing each other, I always thought there was something a little...Off. I mean, I I've come a long way, but when I saw you, it brought me back to a time when I thought that the feelings that I was having were were wrong, and I guess I thought that if I told you, I'd be somehow disappointing you. Kate: In a million years you could never disappoint me, Jack. Gay or straight you're a world-class human being. That's why I wanted to see you. You take me back to this nice, safe place where crushes never end and hearts can't be broken...Needed that this weekend. Jack: Good. Well, I I hope you found it somehow. Kate: I did. And I'm glad I get to go home knowing the real you. Jack: Come here. [He gives her a big hug.] [Scene: Dawson's Kitchen. Mitch and Dawson have just gotten home, and Mitch goes into the freezer and grabs some ice cream and then a spoon.] Dawson: I thought the silent treatment was a tactic typically employed by kids. Mitch: I'm not giving you the silent treatment. Dawson: You're not talkin' to me, either. Mitch: I was thinking. Dawson: About what? Mitch: My son. It's been quite a year for ya. Dawson: What do you mean? Mitch: Well, it all started out with a wrecked boat and a wild party. And I was angry. Dawson: Dad What I'm trying to do is get back the thought of being a kid. I mean I'm 16, and it was a party, and those things are inextricably linked. Mitch: I have no problem with you going to parties. I have zero problem with you being 16. I do, I admit, have a problem with, oh, wrecked boats, strippers on the kitchen table, and fishing you out of the drunk tank a Friday night. Dawson: Fair enough. But can you, uh...Chalk it up to youthful exuberance? Mitch: Yes I can. Dawson: Dad...Thank you. I really appreciate it. Mitch: I'm not finished. Since you' suddenly decided to start acting like a kid, I guess I'm left with no choice but to start acting... Like a parent. And until you decide on a path for yourself, I've chosen one for ya. Dawson: What does that mean? Mitch: Your mother's planning on buying a restaurant. Dawson: Really? Mitch: And you're gonna work there, doing whatever she needs you to do, after school, evenings, weekends, whatever, and you're gonna do this until you begin to understand that suddenly deciding to be a kid doesn't give you license to be reckless...And irresponsible. Good night, son. [Scene: Jail Cell. Doug has opened the door and is carrying 2 cups of coffee.] Doug: Ahem. You were in rare form tonight. Pacey: How bad do I suck, huh? Doug: So what seems to be the problem? Pacey: There's no problem, Dougie. Doug: Oh, come on, Pacey, I found you hanging from a tree getting completely wasted. Huh? So what is it, a girl or something? Pacey: What? Doug: Ok. So it's a girl. Who is she? Pacey: [Sighs] You know what, Dougie? It s really not that important, ok? Doug: Ok. Pacey: Tell you something, though. She's really, really annoying. Doug: Yeah? Pacey: Yeah. I mean, this girl is amazing. There is not a single subject on the face of the planet she doesn't have an opinion about. It's mind-boggling. Doug: Well, that certainly sounds like a nightmare. Pacey: Not me It's not quite like that. I mean, you gotta understand that the girl's really smart, so she's usually right, and when she argues, it comes from this really beautiful, pure place, how can you fight against that? Especially if you're a smart-ass like me. Doug: Is she pretty? Pacey: Ah. She is...Pretty. She is very, very pretty. She's actually the... That kinda pretty that gives you butterflies, you know what I mean? Doug: Uh...Yeah. Never lose the butterflies. Pacey: What? Doug: You know, that's maybe what sucks most about getting older. Somewhere along the line you just...lose the butterflies. So the question is, little brother, what are you gonna do about it? Pacey: Do? Doug: Yeah, do, as in do something. Take action. Pacey: No, I don't think you're really...Properly grasping the gravity of the situation, Dougie. You see, if I was actually to do something about this, there is the strong possibility that the sun would cease to shine. The tides would cease to rise. In fact, I'm betting there's a pretty good chance that the very earth would crack open and Capeside would become home to a huge hell mouth that would spew forth endless hordes of monsters and demon that would choke the denizens of the city, making them fall to their knees and pray for a return to the days before I took action. That's really what we're talking about here. Doug: Huh. Yeah, maybe...Look, Pacey, uh... in my experience, you don't come across that many people with the ability to give you butterflies. You just don't. And if you don't tell this girl how you feel, well, it'll be like spending the rest of your life in your own personal prison. [He opens the door for Pacey.] Pacey: Hey, Doug? Ah. Thank you. [Scene: outside Joey's house. It's morning and Pacey is running up to the door. He knocks on it and Joey opens the door to see him, and begins to shut the door in his face.] Pacey: Wait, hold on, please? Just what I said last night was way outta line. And Yes, I was drunk, but...more to the point, I was just plain wrong. And I want you to know that I'm really sorry. Joey: Well... I was worried about you, too, Pacey. Pacey: Me? Why? Joey: Well... Because, I mean, Satan himself could lead Dawson into the fiery pits of hell, and he would still emerge with his moral code firmly intact. But you...maybe I think that...Nobody's worrying about you right now. Pacey: So, then...Ahem. What you're really saying, then, is that...given the highly dysfunctional nature of our relationship, this is actually how you press concern for me. Joey: You gotta learn to read between the banter, Pacey. Pacey: Right. Joey: So... So are we all finished here? Pacey: No. Actually. Um... There's something else. Joey: Something else? Pacey: Yeah. It's it's just something I've been meaning to tell you Uh...look, Joey...You're lingering on your clutch, ok? I know you think you're into the gear, but...It's not a good idea. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon you're gonna do a lotta damage to your transmission, so what I was thinking if that if you wanted to, I could show ya. Joey: Now? Pacey: Ah. Yeah. Ha. Joey: Ok, Pacey. [Scene: They are in the pickup truck. Joey is trying to drive it while Pacey is in the Passenger seat.] Pacey: Ok. Joey: Now? Pacey: Not now. Joey: Now? Pacey: Now! Shift! [She changes gears.] Pacey: Huh? Joey: Huh?! I did it! Pacey: Yes, you did! Ha ha! Congratulations, potter. We are finally gettin' somewhere.

Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who is disapproving when Dawson is convinced into attending a party by Pacey? A: a party; Q: What is the event that Pacey convinces Dawson to attend? A: Kate; Q: Who is a childhood friend of Jack and Andie? A: total chaos; Q: What does the party descend into? A: the gang; Q: Who is rounded up by Doug and thrown in the drunk tank? A: Doug; Q: Who retains custody of Pacey? A: a stern looking Mitch; Q: Who rescues the gang from the drunk tank? A: his little brother; Q: Who does Doug retain custody of? A: their father; Q: Who advises Doug to keep Pacey? A: her driving lessons; Q: What does Pacey offer Joey instead of talking about his feelings? A: Jen; Q: Who goes on a date with Henry? A: a hospital trip; Q: What happens to Jen and Henry on their date? Summary: Joey is disapproving when Dawson is convinced into attending a party by Pacey, who berates Joey for being too protective of Dawson. After reconsidering, Joey decides to attend the party, along with Jack and Andie, who bring along Kate, a childhood friend of theirs. The party soon descends into total chaos, and the gang are rounded up by Doug and thrown in the drunk tank. All except Pacey are later rescued by a stern looking Mitch. Doug retains custody of his little brother on the advice of their father, and the two later have a heart to heart, during which Pacey reveals for the first time that he has feelings for Joey. At the end of the episode, he attempts to talk to her about it, but ends up offering her driving lessons instead. Elsewhere, Jen goes on a date with Henry, which ends in a hospital trip when Henry tries too hard.

2.14 - It Should've Been Lorelai OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai and Rory walk down the street towards Luke's] LORELAI: But my question is, how did that happen? How was it that suddenly everyone in the world was saying ‘music has charms to soothe the savage beast' when it was written breast. RORY: I don't know. At some point someone misspoke and it just caught on. LORELAI: How do things like that catch on? RORY: Mom, please, you're driving me crazy. LORELAI: I mean, did some guy like say it at a big rally of some sort and everyone went home and started saying it that way and then it just spread from there? RORY: Yes, exactly. LORELAI: Oh, now you're just trying to shut me up. [they walk into Luke's Diner, no one's in there except Luke] LORELAI: Oh my God. RORY: What? LORELAI: Look. RORY: Wow. LORELAI: Empty. LUKE: Just one of those weird lulls, happens occasionally. LORELAI: Ugh. RORY: Can we sit wherever we like? LUKE: Wherever you like. RORY: Wow. LORELAI: Such luxury I never dreamed of. RORY: Where do you wanna sit? LORELAI: I don't know. Um, how ‘bout this table with it's unobstructed westward view of the wide cosmopolitan expansive Klump Street? RORY: Tempting. Do you know that on a clear day you can see all the way to the garbage cans behind Al's Pancake World? LORELAI: Hm. Or we could sit in the corner - you know, the Mafia table so that no one can come up behind you and whack you with a cannoli. RORY: Whack you with a cannoli? Oh, because he left the gun and took the cannoli. LORELAI: You're so my daughter. LUKE: Aye aye aye. LORELAI: Hey, let's sit at the counter. RORY: Nah, the counter, those are not the power seats. LORELAI: Yes, but with no one here we can sit at either end and play bagel hockey. RORY: Ooh, bagel hockey! Oh boy! LUKE: Just sit at a table. LORELAI: Oh, you're awfully rude for a guy who only has two paying customers. RORY: Okay, 3:30 on Friday - my debate at Chilton. Write it down. LORELAI: Already written. RORY: Good. LORELAI: Are you prepared? RORY: Please. Paris has us beyond prepared. I now know more about doctor assisted suicide then I ever cared to. LORELAI: Cheery topic [phone rings] LUKE: Luke's. Uh huh. Hold on a second. [to Rory] It's for you. RORY: What? LUKE: Yup. RORY: But who knows we're here? LORELAI: This whole morning has been a little Twilight Zone-y. LUKE: Or Outer Limits-y. LORELAI: What? LUKE: Great show, just as eerie, same era, but no one ever references it. LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak geek. LUKE: Yup, stepped right in it. RORY: Hello? LANE: Rory? RORY: Lane. How did you know I was here? LANE: Telescope. I got a clean shot at Luke's. I saw you and your mom go in. [Rory walks over to the window, stretching the phone cord across the diner] LUKE: Hey, watch it. LORELAI: Yeah, duck Harvey. RORY: So I guess you're still grounded over that whole Henry thing, huh? LANE: Are you kidding? It's the mother of all groundings. My mom's done everything but slap a Dr. Dre ankle bracelet on me. I'm not even going to school. RORY: Isn't it illegal to keep a kid out of school? LANE: Well, she talked all my teachers into allowing me to be home-schooled for two weeks. I believe the words ‘highly contagious' were batted about. I only get five minutes a day of outside phone time but unlimited time to call the Psalm a Day line. A big ripoff, by the way, because psalm 79 has been on there for three straight days. That's not in keeping with what their name clearly implies, which is a new psalm per day, every day. Not the same tired one from the previous two days. RORY: I've never heard anyone get so riled up about psalms before. LANE: My world has become very small. Okay, I'm dying for news. Give me some headlines. RORY: Oh, well, I've got a debate coming up. And, um, Dean's been working extra hours lately saving up for a new motorcycle, so I hardly see him. Mom and I haven't done laundry in three weeks, but I have taken to jumping into the gigantic pile of dirty clothes while we play our Reader's Digest World's Famous Polka CD that we got used for ninety-nine cents. Sorry if that's all boring. LANE: Are you kidding? It's the most stimulation I've got in a week. MRS. KIM: Lane, come down for your snack! LANE: It's tea and melba toast time, gotta go. Don't forget me in my solitude. RORY: Never. LANE: Bye. [hangs up] RORY: Think fast. [Rory tosses the phone to Luke, who catches it cleanly] LORELAI: Whoa, impressive. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? RORY: What? LORELAI: Goalie for the bagel hockey team? RORY: And bump Schmitty? LORELAI: Schmitty's over the hill, he's washed up, put him in Cooperstown. Suit up kid! LUKE: Call me if anyone sane walks in. [opening credits] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the living room couch watching TV] RORY: There's nothing on. LORELAI: There's always something on. Uh! Struck gold! RORY: Not Two Fat Ladies again. LORELAI: Why not? They're brilliant. RORY: Because it's a cooking show and you don't cook. LORELAI: That might change. RORY: Not a chance. LORELAI: Probably not. RORY: Plus, we've seen all of them like five times. They're all repeats. LORELAI: Yeah, sadly because one of the fat ladies met her maker. RORY: Really? Which one? LORELAI: The fat one. RORY: Come on, which one? The one on the motorcycle or the one in the sidecar? LORELAI: See, it's fun just talking about the Two Fat Ladies. [doorbell rings] RORY: Can't we find some other really fat people to watch? LORELAI: Wow, that sounded really insensitive. [Rory answers the door] RORY: Paris. PARIS: Can I come in? RORY: I guess. So? PARIS: You couldn't possibly be wondering what I'm doing here. RORY: I couldn't? PARIS: The debate's Friday and we need more preparation. RORY: More preparation? Paris -- no two people know more about assisted suicide than the two of us. Kevorkian called today for a couple of tips. PARIS: I know we know the material but there's issues of presentation that need to be addressed. RORY: Presentation? PARIS: I was listening to the CD I burned of the cassettes I made of our mock debates against the make-believe team and I realized that you were not talking fast enough. RORY: What? PARIS: You're only doing 135 wpm. RORY: Wpm? PARIS: Words per minute. RORY: Of course. PARIS: That's slow. RORY: That's not slow. PARIS: It's Jimmy Bob slow. RORY: I talk normally. PARIS: For the average Willie Nelson roadie, yes, but not for a winning debate team member. As a comparison, I speak an average of 178 wpm. RORY: Okay, word speed isn't everything. Sometimes I will add a dramatic pause to prove a point, undercutting my wpm. PARIS: Let's not harbor any Pinteresque fantasies here, Rory. We'll have scant minutes to make our arguments and we have to maximize our collective wpm. RORY: Okay, okay. Let's just get going. LORELAI: Hey Paris. Were we expecting you? PARIS: You should've been. I'm going to get set up. [walks to Rory's room] RORY: We're going to my room to work on my wpm. LORELAI: Do I wanna know? RORY: No. [Rory walks towards her room as the phone rings] LORELAI: I'll get it! Hello? CHRISTOPHER: Hey Lor, it's Chris. LORELAI: Hey you, how's it going? CHRISTOPHER: Good, good. I'm on a little business trip here and I thought I'd call and check in on Rory. LORELAI: Oh, she went to some biker party a few days ago and never came back. CHRISTOPHER: Again? LORELAI: Yeah, we gotta start disciplining that girl. CHRISTOPHER: Hey, who's got the time? LORELAI: Actually, she's right here. I'll pass you to her. So where'd this business trip take you? CHRISTOPHER: Your neck of the woods, actually. I'm in the Litchfield area. LORELAI: Really? How long? CHRISTOPHER: I don't know, a couple of days, or for as long as it takes for them to succumb to my infinite charms. LORELAI: Well, if you're still here on Friday, you should come on down and see Rory in a debate at Chilton. CHRISTOPHER: Really? LORELAI: Yeah. It starts at 3:30 and it's first come, first serve. They're expecting like 20,000 people so I'd get there early. CHRISTOPHER: Wow, Chilton up close, huh? LORELAI: Yeah, it's your chance to see the famous Paris in action. There might even be casualties. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, tell Rory I'll be there. LORELAI: Really? CHRISTOPHER: Why not? LORELAI: Aw, she'll be excited. Here, tell her yourself. CHRISTOPHER: Pass me on. [Lorelai stands at the doorway to Rory's bedroom] PARIS: Dairy's bad too because of the mucous. You haven't had any dairy in the last forty-eight hours, have you? RORY: In my cereal this morning. PARIS: Geez! Okay, well there's a solution of salt water and vinegar that can help cut that. LORELAI: Girls, I'm sorry to interrupt vinegar hour, but it's your dad. RORY: [takes phone and walks away] Dad, hi. PARIS: Did you give her the cereal? LORELAI: Um, I'd rather not say. CUT TO OUTSIDE [In the center of town, Rory walks down the sidewalk as a pay phone rings. She answers it] RORY: Hello? LANE: It's me. RORY: Lane, this is flat out stalking. LANE: Look, I don't have much time. I've already used up my five minutes of phone time so this is totally illicit, but I have to talk to you. There's a new Belle and Sebastian single coming out today. RORY: I know. LANE: I have to have it. RORY: Okay, well -. LANE: No, I mean I have to have it. RORY: I don't know if I have time to pick it up. LANE: What? Rory, do you wanna hear how I used up my five minutes of phone time today? Talking to Amazon.com trying to get them to overnight it to me in a plain package with a return address referencing something Korean and religious. RORY: They wouldn't do it, huh? LANE: I think they notified the government. RORY: Can't you just wait for your grounding to be over? LANE: Hey, I am a fanatic audiophile. That comes with responsibilities that a grounding doesn't alter. Now, I have to have this single and you have to figure out how to get it to me. RORY: Okay, okay, I'll do my best. LANE: Thank you, I have to go. Oh, and hey. RORY: What? LANE: You've got something in your teeth. RORY: Stop that. CUT TO CHILTON [Before the debate starts, Lorelai and Sookie enter the auditorium looking for Rory] LORELAI: Hey, there you are. Where were you? RORY: Oh, hi. LORELAI: I thought we were gonna meet by the vending machines for a little, uh, pre-debate nondairy snack. RORY: Yeah, sorry, Paris wanted to do a sound check and she found some problems with the acoustics in the room. PARIS: It's the layout on this row of seats that's causing a bass problem. We've got to move this whole row over a foot. Esta! Just move these people out. Mueva esta gente, mueva, mueva! RORY: Better find a seat before she moves them all. LORELAI: Have fun. RORY: Thanks. I'm glad you came. SOOKIE: No you're not! RORY: What? SOOKIE: I'm just getting you in the mood. [Rory walks away as Lorelai and Sookie sit down] LORELAI: So do you see Christopher anywhere? SOOKIE: [looks around] Uh, well, no, no, no. Hey, what does he look like? LORELAI: If you don't know, why are you looking? SOOKIE: I'm looking for a guy that looks like a guy that you could be with, only I'm deducting seventeen years off his age and I'm adding an all-boys private school uniform and a Yankees cap. LORELAI: And does your head hurt? SOOKIE: Yeah. MRS. O'MALLEY: If everybody could please take their seats, we'll begin. That includes all the members of the debate team. [Rory takes her seat on stage. She sees Brad sitting across from her] RORY: Brad, hi. BRAD: Hi Rory. I didn't think you'd remember me. RORY: Oh, of course I do. How's the new school? BRAD: I love it. It's way more mellow there and I made a ton of new friends. RORY: Good for you. PARIS: Well, Brad. BRAD: Paris. PARIS: Guess we're going mono a mono today, huh? BRAD: Oh God. MRS. O'MALLEY: All right, the topic for today's debate is doctor-assisted suicide. SOOKIE: That's pleasant. MRS: O'MALLEY: Let me introduce the debaters. On the Hillside Academy team, we have Brad Lankford and Nancy Waterford. NANCY: You look sick. BRAD: I feel sick. MRS. O'MALLEY: And on the Chilton team, we have Rory Gilmore and Paris Gellar. [Sookie and Lorelai cheer loudly] LORELAI: Oww! SOOKIE: Whoo! LORELAI: Oww! [Everyone else is silent] SOOKIE: Were we not supposed to do that? LORELAI: Maybe no one noticed. MRS. O'MALLEY: Each team will have three minutes for their openings, three minutes for rebuttals, and two minutes for their conclusions. They will be judged on the basis of content, strategy, and style. I will be the judge, along with Mrs. Gladstone. PARIS: Mrs. O'Malley is impregnable but yesterday I complemented Mrs. Gladstone's dumpy outfit and bought her an ice cream sandwich and she practically licked my hand in gratitude. RORY: Nice going. MRS. O'MALLEY: We choose which team will take the pro or con side with the toss of a coin. A member of Hillside will make the call. BRAD: Heads. No, tails, I mean tails! MRS. O'MALLEY: Uh, it's heads. Chilton will pick pro or con. PARIS: Pro assisted suicide. BRAD: What a shock. MRS. O'MALLEY: All right. Whenever you're ready, you may commence. PARIS: Thank you. [to Rory] Keep it snappy. [Rory walks to the podium] RORY: There are many vantage points from which to consider doctor assisted suicide. Serious consideration draws from ethics, law, medical practices, philosophy, psychology, public policy and religion, all topics I plan to explore in the next two minutes and forty-six seconds. LORELAI: Geez, look at that kid, he's shaking. SOOKIE: Ooh, and pale. LORELAI: He looks all white and tiny. RORY: ... provides either information or the actual means, such as medication or other supplies to a person who wishes to terminate his or her own life. The patient must then initiate the process. The goal is euthanasia, a term with its roots in ancient Greek. . . [As Rory speaks in the background, Lorelai turns around and sees Christopher in the hallway. A few seconds later, Sherry joins him.] CUT TO LATER IN THE DEBATE PARIS: And referencing their last point, which erroneously cited South Carolina as a state that has neither a statute nor common law which prohibits assisted suicide when we know that North Carolina is the proper citation, their subsequent argument falls short of even a level of speciousness due to the fact that it doesn't even have a ring of factual truth, let alone a substance. And after all, the absence of prohibition against assisted suicide is a far cry from a statute that actually legitimizes the practice, a state of affairs that exists only in Oregon, sadly enough, under the 1977 Death Without Dignity Act. [While Paris is speaking, Sookie tries to subtly look at Sherry, who's sitting towards the back of the audience] LORELAI: Hey, circus lady, what's with the contortions? SOOKIE: I'm trying to sneak a peak at the girl Christopher's with. LORELAI: But you see, the entire concept behind the word sneak is not having people notice you, and what you're doing is shouting ‘notice me.' SOOKIE: Tell me you're not curious. LORELAI: I'm not curious. SOOKIE: You are too. LORELAI: We'll meet her in a matter of minutes. Now, come on, watch the tiny shaking boy get shorter. MRS. O'MALLEY: Two minutes for conclusion. [Lorelai purposely drops her tissue.] LORELAI: Ooh. [She leans over to pick it up while glancing back at Sherry] SOOKIE: You sneak a little peak? LORELAI: Shh. PARIS: Professor Bomar of Willamette University of Law has prepared a lengthy summary that I'd like to use in my remaining time. MRS. O'MALLEY: Time. PARIS: What? MRS. O'MALLEY: That's it, time's up. PARIS: Oh, but if I could just have a few seconds to rebut their charge of the cruelty of the act. BRAD: We take it back! PARIS: You can't take it back, it's a debate. MRS. O'MALLEY: Okay, that's enough cruelty for one day, Paris. Your team has won. Congratulations. PARIS: Really? Thank you. Thank you very much. [walks over to opposing team] You put up a good fight. Better luck next time. RORY: You okay? BRAD: I'm sweating. I'm completely soaked through. And I think I'm catching a cold. RORY: Do you need a hug? Or a towel? BRAD: No, thanks. I think I'm just gonna sit here quietly. [cut to Lorelai and Sookie standing near the doorway] SOOKIE: Uh! There they are. LORELAI: I see them. What do you think? SOOKIE: She's got good hair. LORELAI: Yeah. SOOKIE: Plus she's been sitting for an hour and her dress is perfect. Not a wrinkle? How does she do that? LORELAI: She must be a witch. SOOKIE: And she's doing that no-hose thing. LORELAI: Yeah. She's a chic, good hair, wrinkle-free, no-hose-wearing witch. SOOKIE: You ready? LORELAI: Yeah. [they walk towards Christopher and Sherry] LORELAI: Hi there, you two. CHRISTOPHER: Hey Lorelai. You guys get to meet at last. This is. . . LORELAI: Sherry. SHERRY: Nice to finally meet you. LORELAI: Yeah, I recognized you from your Christmas card. CHRISTOPHER: Which I'm sure you mocked mercilessly. LORELAI: Did not. Others, yes, but not yours. You guys were cute, and the puppy was cute. [Sookie clears her throat] Hey, this is Sookie. SHERRY: Nice to meet you. SOOKIE: Nice to meet you. You have a very smooth dress. SHERRY: Oh, well thank you. It's the fabric. SOOKIE: The fabric. Uh huh. LORELAI: Hm. Uh, Chris, I've told you about Sookie. CHRISTOPHER: Yes you have, the famous Sookie. SOOKIE: The famous Christopher. CHRISTOPHER: I hear you're the greatest chef after Alan Ducass. SOOKIE: After Alan Ducass? Who – who said after? RORY: Hi Dad! You came. CHRISTOPHER: Of course I did. RORY: Sorry, I'm still getting used to it. I'm glad. LORELAI: Honey, um, look who Dad brought. CHRISTOPHER: This is Sherry. Sherry, this is Rory. SHERRY: Oh, finally, finally, finally. I am so beyond thrilled, I can't tell you. All he does is talk about you. I couldn't wait to meet this amazing person. LORELAI: Well, she lives up to the hype, let me tell ya. RORY: Is my face turning red? LORELAI: Oh yeah, beet red. SHERRY: Oh, I'm sorry. I put you on the spot. I've just been really looking forward to this. RORY: No, no, it's okay. LORELAI: Um, will you excuse us for a minute? Rory just wanted to show me something around the corner here and we'll be right back. CHRISTOPHER: So Rory was great, huh? SOOKIE: Brilliant. So, who said I was after Alan Ducass? [Lorelai and Rory walk down the hall and into the auditorium] RORY: He brought Sherry. LORELAI: I know. RORY: This is a little. . . LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: Did you talk to her? Is she nice? LORELAI: She's a witch. RORY: Oh, good. LORELAI: So, what do we do? RORY: What do you mean? LORELAI: Come on, come on, come on. We gotta put on our hostessing hats and set a game plan here. RORY: Oh yeah, I guess it would be impolite if we didn't ask them to hang out with us. LORELAI: So what do we do? Hit the vending machines? RORY: Invite them to Luke's? LORELAI: Does she look like a diner chick to you? RORY: Probably not. LORELAI: I wish he had told me she was with him. RORY: Where else can we invite them? LORELAI: Al's Pancake World. RORY: No, it's Friday. He does his prefix menu on Fridays. LORELAI: Ugh. Well, there's always our house. RORY: It's a mess. LORELAI: Might be the safest? RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Why didn't he mention that she was with him? RORY: I don't know. [they walk back towards them] CHRISTOPHER: It's really just more of an impression than something I probably actually heard. SOOKIE: But maybe someone implied that I was after him? LORELAI: Oh, Sookie? SOOKIE: Yeah? LORELAI: You know what, you are the greatest chef in the world, bar none. SOOKIE: Uh, thanks. LORELAI: So, um, are you guys doing anything now? CHRISTOPHER: Not really. SHERRY: No, we're pretty free for the rest of the day. LORELAI: Well, why don't you come back and see our place? SHERRY: Oh, that would be great. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, Sherry would love that. Thanks Lor. SHERRY: I was hoping we'd get a chance to see where Rory lives and her room. RORY: Oh, my room's really no big deal. SHERRY: Oh, and the books. I've heard all about the books. I can't wait to see the books. LORELAI: Well, let's go and see the books. [They start walking down the hall as Paris walks over] PARIS: Rory! So, great job. We pretty much wiped the floor with them. RORY: Yeah, we turned them into cleaning products, definitely. PARIS: Listen, the verbatim transcripts of the debate will be ready in about a half hour. I thought we could wait for them and sit and talk about what we did right, what we did wrong, compare wpm's. RORY: Well, I'm actually heading with my group back to our house, so I really can't. PARIS: Oh. Okay, whatever. If you don't want to celebrate with me, that's just fine. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory rush through the front door] LORELAI: You get the living room, I'll get the kitchen! RORY: What about the upstairs? LORELAI: I'll body block the fool who tries to go upstairs. RORY: Company is stressful. LORELAI: Ugh, don't forget about your room! RORY: What? LORELAI: Your room! She wants to see the books! RORY: Well, I'll hit it next. LORELAI: Ugh, they're probably gonna want something to eat and drink. RORY: Well, company usually does. LORELAI: We have nothing. RORY: We must have something. LORELAI: Not unless Divine Providence has placed a miracle brie and cracker plate in the fridge. RORY: We have leftover Halloween candy. LORELAI: Aw, waste that on company? RORY: Well, having company is about making sacrifices. LORELAI: Martha Stewart? RORY: I paraphrased Proust. LORELAI: I should've known. Fine. Presentation is everything. CHRISTOPHER: [calls from front door] Hello? RORY: Hi Dad! CHRISTOPHER: You guys need some more time to clean up? LORELAI: He knows us too well. RORY: Come on in. How'd you know we were cleaning? CHRISTOPHER: Uh, well, when you cut us off in the parking lot and sped off doing sixty, I figured you were trying to beat us home for a reason. SHERRY: I hope we're not completely ruining your day. LORELAI: Oh no, we love company. Please come in. SHERRY: Your house is great. LORELAI: Thanks, we like it. Have a seat. [they all sit down in the living room] SHERRY: Rory, you were wonderful in the debate today. RORY: Thanks. CHRISTOPHER: Uh, that Paris was a little intense. LORELAI: Ha, a little? The opposing team could bring her up on war crimes. RORY: Yeah, her approach will come in handy when she becomes a CEO or a dictator of a country or something. SHERRY: Mm hmm. Well, you were very poised up there, very sure of yourself, just like your dad. CHRISTOPHER: And your mom. LORELAI: Aw shucks, Pa. SHERRY: And your uniform is darling, really. I love the blue. Of course, I'm sure you look good in anything. LORELAI: Oh yeah, you should see her in chaps. SHERRY: Really? RORY: No, that was just my mom being funny. SHERRY: Oh. LORELAI: Yeah, it comes and goes. You'll learn to notice the signs. CHRISTOPHER: The waves get really still, the animals start to act funny. SHERRY: You know, I went to private school too. RORY: Really? SHERRY: Except that our colors were white and bright red. I looked hideous. CHRISTOPHER: Oh, she's being self-deprecating. You looked cute in that outfit. SHERRY: No no, I looked like a peppermint stick. I swear, that's where my addiction to clothes comes from. Trying to make up for all the years of having to wear the same thing everyday. RORY: Yeah, I can understand that. SHERRY: Well, we should go shopping sometime for clothes or whatever. RORY: Yeah, we could do that. SHERRY: Soon, okay? RORY: Sure. LORELAI: Hey, drinks. Who wants something to drink? I've got water, soda. . . CHRISTOPHER: Uh, just water for me SHERRY: Me too. LORELAI: Oh, making it easy, I love it. SHERRY: I'll help you. LORELAI: Oh, no, uh, well, okay. Sherry, you don't have to help me. SHERRY: No, I want to. LORELAI: Great. [Lorelai and Sherry walk into the kitchen] LORELAI: So, uh, do you want flat water or sparkling? I hope it's flat because I don't have sparkling. Or flat. Or ice cubes. I have cups, I think. SHERRY: It's a little awkward, isn't it? LORELAI: What? SHERRY: Us, you and me, our being here. LORELAI: Aw, no, not really. SHERRY: But kind of, right? LORELAI: Well, we're just not used to having company. SHERRY: I mean, you and Christopher were so close. I know it was years ago but these things are never simple. LORELAI: Well, just in general, things like this are always awkward slightly, but only slightly. [opens fridge] Agh, look. Apple juice - with a perfectly respectable expiration date. SHERRY: Look, I just want you to know that you should not feel like you need to get to know me. LORELAI: Oh. SHERRY: At all. LORELAI: Okay. SHERRY: I mean, just because Christopher and I are close doesn't mean that we need to be close, or friends or anything for that matter. LORELAI: No, I guess not. SHERRY: I mean, except for our unexpected visit, we may never have even met. LORELAI: I think we probably would've met eventually. SHERRY: Perhaps, at some function or other. LORELAI: Yeah - you, me, Martin Sheen all chained to the same tree. SHERRY: But I do desperately wanna get to know Rory. LORELAI: Well sure, she's a great kid. SHERRY: And that's okay with you? LORELAI: Yeah, that's fine. SHERRY: Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. Because things are kind of speeding up between me and Christopher and LORELAI: Really? SHERRY: Rory is so important to him. LORELAI: Yeah, I know, she is. SHERRY: And he told me about how he wasn't really a presence in her life for years and how he'd like to make up for all that time that he wasted. LORELAI: Well, he's been doing really well lately. SHERRY: I know. He is obsessive about his call dates to her. I mean, it doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing, he's gotta call Rory Wednesday nights at seven o'clock. I like that about him. LORELAI: Yeah, me too. SHERRY: And he really wants me to bond with her too. It's important with everything we have coming. LORELAI: I totally understand. SHERRY: Good, I'm glad. LORELAI: Yeah. SHERRY: So what are the chances of Rory and I getting together on this trip? LORELAI: This trip? SHERRY: How about tonight? LORELAI: Tonight? SHERRY: Rory seemed up for it. LORELAI: Tonight huh? Well, uh, it's kind of last minute and we're supposed to go somewhere. SHERRY: The Friday night dinner with your parents. LORELAI: You know about those? SHERRY: All about them, but Christopher said that you can get her out of them if there's a pressing need. LORELAI: Well, that's true to a certain extent but - . SHERRY: Well this is pressing. I am so forcing myself here it's embarrassing, but that's how important it is. I mean, who knows when this opportunity's gonna present itself again, right? LORELAI: Right. SHERRY: So? LORELAI: Well, um, sure. You'll have to ask Rory but if it's okay with her, it's okay with me. SHERRY: You know, you're as great as Christopher said you were. LORELAI: Well, he's an excellent judge of character. SHERRY: Okay, I'll see you back out there? Okay. [Sherry brings two of the glasses into the living room] CHRISTOPHER: Everything okay? SHERRY: Yup, she found apple juice. [phone rings] LORELAI: [from kitchen] Hey Rory, can you get that! RORY: Let the machine pick it up. LORELAI: No, it could be important. RORY: Okay. [answers phone] Hello? LORELAI: Hi, it's me. RORY: Oh, hi. LORELAI: I'm still in the kitchen. Um, listen, I just wanted to tell you that Sherry just asked me if she could go out with you tonight just the two of you, and she sort of trapped me into saying that I could get you out of the Friday night dinner, which she knew all about. But I told her she had to run it past you first, so I can still get you out of it. Although, it might be a good idea to get a Sherry night out of the way because it seems kind of inevitable. So if you're okay going with her, just say, um, ‘Sorry Leonard, we've got company, I have to call you back.' RORY: Sorry Leonard, we've got company, I'll have to call you back. LORELAI: Oh, okay. Bye. [walks into the living room] Okay, here's your drink. Who was that? RORY: Um, that was Leonard. LORELAI: Oh, did you tell him we have company? RORY: Yeah. CHRISTOPHER: Uh, who's Leonard? RORY: Oh, just a friend. CHRISTOPHER: A friend of yours or a friend of Lorelai's? LORELAI: A mutual friend. RORY: Yeah, it's pretty much equal. CHRISTOPHER: A mutual Leonard? LORELAI: Yeah, we're constantly fighting over him. SHERRY: Rory, can I run something by you? RORY: Oh sure. SHERRY: Your dad and I are around for another night, and he's totally sick of me. CHRISTOPHER: Not true. SHERRY: Anyhow, I was wondering if you wanted to do something with me tonight, just the two of us. RORY: Oh, sure, that would be nice. SHERRY: Really? RORY: Yeah. I mean, um, if it's okay with my mom because we do have a Grandma/Grandpa dinner tonight. LORELAI: It's fine by me. SHERRY: Great. Oh, of course this does leave you a sad little orphan. CHRISTOPHER: Oh, that's okay. I'll have one of my patented White Castle bachelor dinners. LORELAI: Or you can come with me tonight. Uh, if you want. CHRISTOPHER: To your parents? LORELAI: Yeah, ‘cause with Rory not there I might need a hostage. SHERRY: Oh, yes, do it. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, it's good grub. You sure they won't be mad? LORELAI: Hi, they like you. CHRISTOPHER: True. SHERRY: Great. Well, we should go get cleaned up for tonight then. Thanks for having us over like this. LORELAI: Any time. SHERRY: So we'll swing by around six? RORY: Oh, sounds good. SHERRY: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: Bye sweetie. RORY: Bye Dad. CHRISTOPHER: Bye Leonard. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Later that night, Rory is in the living room as Lorelai walks down the stairs] LORELAI: Honey, hurry, they said six. RORY: Yeah but it's six Dad time so it's more like six-thirty. LORELAI: But Dad time is now linked to Sherry time and that Sherry seems awfully punctual. RORY: That is so annoying. [phone rings] LORELAI: We have to learn to live with each other's deficiencies. RORY: I'll get it. LORELAI: Oh, if it's Leonard, tell him I'll call him back. RORY: He's so needy. [answers phone] Hello? LANE: Humongous snag in the CD drop plan. RORY: What happened? LANE: Bible class has been moved an hour later, all to accommodate the reverend's handball schedule. RORY: The reverend plays handball? LANE: I'm just as appalled. So it's at ten instead of nine. RORY: Okay, I'll make the necessary adjustments. LANE: Thank you, thank you, thank you. So, anything new? RORY: My dad brought his girlfriend to my debate. LANE: The potential stepmom? Oh my God. Tell me what she's like, what'd she say and tell me in like eleven seconds ‘cause it's all the phone time I have left. RORY: That's too much pressure! LANE: Well, then write a long descriptive letter about it all and slip it into the CD booklet. Oh, and try to include a candid Polaroid of her if you can. RORY: I'll try. LANE: Gotta go. RORY: Bye. [hangs up] CHRISTOPHER: Hey, can we come in? LORELAI: Yeah, come on in. Hey. SHERRY: You look great. LORELAI: Oh, thanks, you too. SHERRY: Hi there, you ready to go? RORY: All set. SHERRY: Okay, so we won't be too late, probably around ten. LORELAI: Okay, well, if you wanna grab a drink after the movie, Rory's got the list of places that serve minors. RORY: Nah, I got a flask in my purse. LORELAI: Ooh. SHERRY: Okay, I'm gonna have to drink a lot of coffee to keep up with you two. LORELAI: Damn, our secret's been revealed. SHERRY: Bye love. CHRISTOPHER: Have fun RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Bye Sweets. RORY: Bye. [Rory and Sherry leave] CHRISTOPHER: There they go. LORELAI: Yeah, there they go. CHRISTOPHER: Sherry's really excited about this. It's such a great opportunity Lor. Thanks for making it happen. LORELAI: That's what I'm here for. Let me just get my coat and we can go. CHRISTOPHER: Great. LORELAI: Can I just ask you a quick question? CHRISTOPHER: Sure, what? LORELAI: When I invited you to Rory's debate, was Sherry with you? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, of course. She's been with me the whole trip. Why? LORELAI: It's just that you gave me no indication that she was with you. CHRISTOPHER: What? I must have. LORELAI: Nope, singular pronouns all the way. CHRISTOPHER: I actually don't remember what I said. LORELAI: I do. You said, ‘I'll be there', as in just you. CHRISTOPHER: Well, I may have said that but I wasn't making a point of saying that. It just came out that way. LORELAI: Okay, whatever, I was just wondering. CHRISTOPHER: It's okay that I brought Sherry along, isn't it? LORELAI: Absolutely. It was just a surprise, that's all. CHRISTOPHER: Okay. LORELAI: So you weren't trying to hide the fact? CHRISTOPHER: No. I mean, obviously you were gonna find out she was with me once we arrived. LORELAI: Obviously. CHRISTOPHER: Okay then. LORELAI: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: So what do you think of her? LORELAI: Oh, I don't know her well enough to judge. CHRISTOPHER: Well, that's never stopped you from judging people before. LORELAI: Hey buddy, I'm trying to grow here. CHRISTOPHER: Well, if it helps, she was saying really nice things about you. LORELAI: Really? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. She said you guys had a really nice talk in the kitchen. LORELAI: Well, if that's what she said, then I guess we did. CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai, come on. LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: You're being very cryptic. Did something happen between you two? LORELAI: No, I just. . .I thought our conversation in the kitchen was a little odd. CHRISTOPHER: And this is being less cryptic? LORELAI: It's just that she went on and on about how we never have to be friends or get to know each other at all or try to force any kind of relationship. CHRISTOPHER: Really? She never mentioned that part. Huh. LORELAI: So how come she figures she never has to see me? CHRISTOPHER: Well, I'm sure she was trying to make you feel at ease around her. Because it's true, you guys don't have to force anything. LORELAI: Uh huh. Where'd she get this ‘don't force it' philosophy? CHRISTOPHER: Not from me. LORELAI: You sure? CHRISTOPHER: Yes, I'm sure. LORELAI: So she just wants to get to know Rory, not me. CHRISTOPHER: Well, I did steer her toward bonding with Rory, I'll admit that. LORELAI: But not with me. CHRISTOPHER: Rory's my daughter Lorelai, Sherry has to get to know her. LORELAI: I know. CHRISTOPHER: I wasn't purposely omitting you or telling her not to interact with you. LORELAI: Oh good, so you're not having me killed or anything like that? CHRISTOPHER: No. In fact, I was just going over my ‘people to kill' list and I don't think you were on it. LORELAI: Because by the very fact that Rory exists, I am in the picture. CHRISTOPHER: You can back off Lorelai. You'll be in Sherry's life. LORELAI: Good. CHRISTOPHER: Not that you thought to do the same thing when you were in my shoes. LORELAI: What? What are you talking about? CHRISTOPHER: You have a fiancé, I believe. LORELAI: Yes, Max. CHRISTOPHER: Right, Max. LORELAI: That was not the same thing. CHRISTOPHER: Really? Max knew Rory, Max got close to Rory, right? LORELAI: Yes. CHRISTOPHER: Well, he and I never met. I didn't even know he existed until late in the game. Hell, I didn't even know you were engaged until you called me from your bachelorette party. And I wasn't invited to the wedding – or did my invitation get lost in the mail? LORELAI: Well, you've moved a lot this past year. CHRISTOPHER: I was never part of that equation. LORELAI: Okay, maybe. But trust me, you would've been part of the equation eventually. Really Chris, you would have. CHRISTOPHER: Well then, trust me Lorelai, eventually you would've been part of this one. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Doorbell rings, Emily answers it.] EMILY: Christopher! CHRISTOPHER: Hello Emily. EMILY: Well, this is a surprise. Where's Rory? LORELAI: Uh, a last minute unexpected thing came up, but I brought a good substitute – half her genes in a nice nifty Christopher package. EMILY: Well, we're letting the freezing air get in. Come in, come in. Is she sick? There are terrible things making the rounds these days. [they walk to the living room] LORELAI: No, she's not sick. Hi Dad. RICHARD: Hello Lorelai. Christopher, this is a surprise! CHRISTOPHER: A nice one, I hope. RICHARD: A very nice one. CHRISTOPHER: How are you Richard? RICHARD: You're looking well. CHRISTOPHER: So are you. You playing a lot of golf lately? RICHARD: Ah, well, more like it's playing me. Oh, let's not stand here. Come into the living room. Now, who wants a drink? Uh, martini, Manhattan, some scotch? LORELAI: Yes please. RICHARD: Uh, you wanna narrow that down for me? LORELAI: Hooch is hooch Dad. CHRISTOPHER: I'll have a Manhattan. EMILY: Same here. RICHARD: Right. EMILY: So you never said where Rory is. RICHARD: Rory's not here? EMILY: Richard, you didn't even notice your own granddaughter isn't here? RICHARD: Well, she's so quiet she sometimes slips in unnoticed. She should work for the CIA. Uh, one cherry good for everybody? CHRISTOPHER: Fine with me. EMILY: Me too. LORELAI: Eight please. I'm peckish. EMILY: Well, I noticed that Rory isn't here. LORELAI: Well you've got that eagle eye, Mom. CHRISTOPHER: I'm afraid it's my fault Emily. My girlfriend and I were passing through town and we dropped by Stars Hollow for a visit, and she and Rory are off doing something together. EMILY: You have a girlfriend? CHRISTOPHER: Sherry. EMILY: And she and Rory are out together? LORELAI: I'm sorry. I should've called, Mom. EMILY: Well, that would've been thoughtful. I mean, we set a place for her at the table and everything. LORELAI: Well, Chris is here so it won't go to waste. CHRISTOPHER: Although normally I demand my own customized place setting. EMILY: So how long have you been with this woman? CHRISTOPHER: Eight months. RICHARD: Mm, I bet she's pretty. LORELAI: Yes, she's very pretty. RICHARD: Uh, something in your eye Lorelai? LORELAI: I got it. EMILY: You've met this woman? LORELAI: Yes, Mom, I met this woman today and she's very nice. RICHARD: Uh, what does she do? Does she work? CHRISTOPHER: Uh, she's the East Coast sales rep for Loreal Cosmetics. RICHARD: Hm, that sounds like a lot of responsibility. CHRISTOPHER: Keeps her busy, involves some travel. EMILY: What are they doing? LORELAI: What? EMILY: Rory and Christopher's friend – what are they doing tonight? LORELAI: Dinner and a movie, something like that. It's my fault that we didn't call. RICHARD: You work has you traveling too, I hear. CHRISTOPHER: Some. RICHARD: Everyone thinks that traveling on business is so glamorous but what they don't realize is that the business traveler never gets to see the places he visits. My last trip to Rome, I spent the whole four days in a conference room by the airport. I might as well have been in French Lick, Indiana. CHRISTOPHER: Well, my trips are mostly local, just me and my Volvo. EMILY: You have a Volvo? RICHARD: That's new, isn't it? CHRISTOPHER: I just got it. RICHARD: Excellent choice. It's nice and safe. That's a good family car. LORELAI: It's also excellent for cranking Metallica. RICHARD: Cranking Metallica? LORELAI: Mm hmm. RICHARD: If that's some sort of drug reference, it isn't funny. EMILY: So you're planning on having a family? CHRISTOPHER: What? EMILY: With this woman? LORELAI: Her name's Sherry, Mom, and you're really putting Chris on the spot here. EMILY: Well, he bought a family car, it's a natural question. LORELAI: Dad called it a family car. I'm sure there's nothing in the sales contract that says you have to have a family in order to buy the car. CHRISTOPHER: Although I didn't read all the fine print. EMILY: You always drove a motorcycle before, didn't you? CHRISTOPHER: I still got it. RICHARD: Oh, oh, a family man shouldn't drive a motorcycle. The accidents I covered for the firm involving motorcycles – the worst, grisly. They use this industrial machine to scrape the victims off the road like a huge spatula. LORELAI: Hey, mouthful of cherries here. EMILY: So are you living together? LORELAI: Mom, get out the interrogation lamp, why don't you. CHRISTOPHER: It's okay. Yeah, but we're looking for something bigger in the Boston area. RICHARD: There are a lot of nice historical places up there. CHRISTOPHER: Something historical in our price range would be perfect. EMILY: You know historical homes are infested with mold, don't you? LORELAI: Mold? EMILY: It gets inside the walls and grows out of sight and shoots off spores that slowly kill you and your family. LORELAI: You should get a show on the Home and Garden channel, Mom. RICHARD: When did you become an expert on mold, Emily? EMILY: It was in the New York Times Magazine. I'd hold off buying a place with this woman until you look into this. LORELAI: Sherry, Sherry. CHRISTOPHER: Well, it's actually gonna come down to whatever we can afford. It might just be a newly built place. EMILY: With their shoddy craftsmanship? Oh, you don't want that. LORELAI: What does that leave them with, Mom – a teepee? EMILY: I'm sorry. I just don't think that Rory should miss our dinners for something other than sickness or emergencies. That was the agreement. CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry Emily, really. LORELAI: Mom, Chris has apologized like a hundred times. How many more times do you wanna hear it? CHRISTOPHER: Listen, I can call Sherry and have her and Rory come by after their movie, that way it won't be a totally Rory-less evening. EMILY: That's not what I want. LORELAI: Mom, we're desperately trying to work with you here. EMILY: Working with me is one thing, patronizing me is another. Excuse me. [leaves] CHRISTOPHER: I feel horrible. RICHARD: Oh, don't son. That's just Emily. LORELAI: I'll go see what I can do. CUT TO KITCHEN [Lorelai walks in as Emily pours herself a drink] LORELAI: You wanna tell me what's going on here? EMILY: How can you let that horrible woman take Rory like that? LORELAI: Okay Mom, calm down. It's only one night. EMILY: That's how it starts. She's just getting her claws into her. LORELAI: Her claws? EMILY: We'll never see Rory again if that woman has her way. LORELAI: Mom, hold it. Rory is my daughter, you know. I have some control over this. EMILY: She's not getting Rory on weekends, you can't let that happen. LORELAI: What is this about Mom? Why are you so flipped out? EMILY: Lorelai, are you blind or just that humiliated? LORELAI: Humiliated? EMILY: Christopher gets his life together with that woman. LORELAI: So, that's good. EMILY: It should've been you! LORELAI: What? EMILY: Don't play dumb, Lorelai. You know it too, and deep down I know you're heartbroken. LORELAI: I'm not heartbroken. EMILY: Well, I am. LORELAI: Huh. EMILY: I always had the picture in my mind of the three of you together. After all these years and after all the bad things that happened, Rory with both her parents. And now that Christopher's got his life together, it's with her and not you. LORELAI: Mom, the timing was never right for us. EMILY: That's because you dawdled time away. You could've had that affect on him. You could've been the person to help him get his life together, but you made no effort! LORELAI: Oh, so now this comes down to something I didn't do? Don't put that on me Mother! EMILY: What other explanation is there? He's always been crazy about you but you've always kept him at arms length. You keep everyone at arm's length. LORELAI: That's not true! EMILY: It is true! Your destiny was to be with Christopher and now it's too late! LORELAI: Then it wasn't our destiny! EMILY: So you're saying that you don't have feelings for him Lorelai, that all of this is just fine with you? LORELAI: That's not important. EMILY: It's not? LORELAI: No. What's important is that Christopher is doing well and he's happy and we should be happy for him. EMILY: You're impossible. I need to lie down. Tell Christopher – tell him whatever you like, I don't care. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai walks through the door] LUKE: Hey. LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: You alone this morning? LORELAI: No, Rory's with me. She just had to run an errand. LUKE: Well, take whatever table you want. LORELAI: Okay. LUKE: You okay? LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: You don't seem your chipper self. LORELAI: I brought some sparklers. I'll light them later and do some kicks. LUKE: You know, if you want I can clear the counter and you can play some bagel hockey. LORELAI: You can't play bagel hockey by yourself. LUKE: I'll play with you. You'll have to explain the rules. LORELAI: It's okay. I'm just trying to recover from last night. It was one of those nights where you start off stepping in quicksand and end up with a sixteen-ton anvil landing on your head. LUKE: I've had plenty of those. I'll bring some coffee. LORELAI: Can't hurt. [Lorelai walks towards an empty table as Rory walks in] RORY: You order? LORELAI: Oh, just coffee. God, I must've been sound asleep when you got home last night. RORY: You were snoring like a buzz saw. LORELAI: I believe that's defined as a superfluous comment. RORY: Yes, you were sound asleep. LORELAI: So, I'm dying to hear about your night with Sherry. How was it? Give it to me, A to Z, beginning to end, soup to nuts. RORY: Well, she is what she seems. LORELAI: Details please. RORY: She's a very cautious driver. She doesn't roll through stop signs, doesn't speed, she always signals before she turns. LORELAI: Hm. Commendable, but not the person I want driving our getaway car. RORY: What are we robbing? LORELAI: Sephora. We had it all planned out. RORY: Slipped my mind. LORELAI: What's her music taste? RORY: Big Bruce Springsteen fan. Seen him like twenty times. LORELAI: Blue collar roots or is she just slumming? RORY: Oh, her father owned a shoe store and her mom taught kindergarten. LORELAI: Wow, you guys really got into some details. RORY: She was definitely in bonding mode. LORELAI: What else, what else? RORY: She's very touchy-feely. Hand on the shoulder, lots of hugs. LORELAI: She didn't try to get fresh, did she? RORY: Gross! LORELAI: Go on. RORY: Um, she's had one prior serious relationship in her life. LORELAI: Finally, the juicy stuff. RORY: And it lasted eleven years. LORELAI: Eleven years? And she never got married? RORY: She said she never thought about it with her career and all, but now she's thinking about it more and more. LORELAI: Tick tock, tick tock. RORY: And the past couple of years she hasn't even dated anyone unless she thought that for sure it could be a lasting relationship, and she's got some specific goals now concerning children. LORELAI: Oh, here we go. RORY: She wants at least two, and before she met Dad she was seriously considering single parenthood. LORELAI: That's wanting kids. RORY: That's about it. LORELAI: Yeah? RORY: Oh, she works for Loreal. LORELAI: Hm, I heard that. RORY: I'm tapped. How was your night? LORELAI: Oh, well, fine. Just took Mom a whole five minutes before she self-combusted and left the room in tears. RORY: What? LORELAI: She freaked out that you were with Sherry, can you believe that? RORY: She freaked? LORELAI: Totally. She kept calling her ‘that woman'. RORY: Well, what did she think, that you were gonna come home and find a rabbit boiling on the stove? LORELAI: No, it had to do with her and Christopher and . . . anyway, eventually she came down and had a pouty dinner. RORY: So it ended up okay? LORELAI: For the most part. RORY: Is she mad at me? LORELAI: No, the angel child, never. LUKE: Here you go. [brings their coffee] RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: Thanks. So, um, I wanna ask you something. RORY: Ask. LORELAI: When you've thought about me and your dad – what have you been thinking all these years? RORY: Um, what do you mean? LORELAI: I mean, did you ever picture us potentially together, like ‘we are family' together? RORY: Well, not really. LORELAI: But sort of, it crossed your mind? RORY: I feel like I'm on the Ricki Lake show. LORELAI: Go Rory, go Rory. RORY: Well, I'll admit that I have pictured the three of us living together at various times, but in the way that all kids picture their estranged parents living together or the way they should be together, but it's stupid. LORELAI: It's not stupid. RORY: Yeah, I've pictured it. LORELAI: Hm. RORY: But I also pictured you with Pee-Wee Herman. LORELAI: Wow. RORY: Yeah. We lived in his playhouse and we'd be talking to Chairy and Captain Carl would be walking by. LORELAI: [laughs] Fun! RORY: Yeah. Oh, and later I pictured you marrying Matthew Broderick, and we lived in New York in this great apartment in the village and we would talk about his Ferris Bueller days. LORELAI: Just think how easy Producers tickets would be to get. RORY: Oh, it would be fourth row center every night. LORELAI: I'm sorry that Matthew and I couldn't work it out, honey. RORY: I'll try to get over it. LORELAI: So should it have been me? RORY: Huh? Oops, sorry! Zero hour – I have to go. I'll be right back. [leaves] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Rory stands by the gazebo and waits for Mrs. Kim and Lane to walk out of their house. When they do, Rory nods to Kirk, who walks up to them.] KIRK: Excuse me Mrs. Kim, I'm Kirk. MRS. KIM: I know you're Kirk. I've known you since you were two. KIRK: That's no guarantee that people remember me. MRS. KIM: We're in a hurry. KIRK: I won't take up much of your time. I was just wondering what your store hours are. MRS. KIM: For people who come to buy things, come with cash, it's ten to six, Sunday through Friday. For people who wander around, blocking aisles, touching things with dirty hands, never buying or asking for eighty percent off, we're closed. KIRK: I should jot this down. You said ten to six, that's ten a.m.? MRS. KIM: Yes. KIRK: Okay, got it, thanks for your time. [While they're talking, a hooded jogger runs by and slips a CD into the bag Lane's carrying. Mrs. Kim and Lane walk away. The jogger, Michel, runs over to Rory at the gazebo, out of breath.] RORY: Oh my God. Michel, are you okay? MICHEL: I've been running around this stupid square for over an hour. RORY: Why? MICHEL: Why? Because the plan was to drop the CD at nine o'clock. RORY: No, it got changed to ten. I told my mom and she said she'd pass it on. She didn't pass it on, did she? MICHEL: Definitely not. RORY: Oh, well the mission was a success. MICHEL: Yes, my cardiologist will be thrilled. Ah! I've got a cramp, I've got a cramp! RORY: Can I do anything for you? MICHEL: Ah, get away from me evil girl! RORY: But -. MICHEL: Never will I do anything for you again, ever, ever, never! RORY: Well if it makes you feel any better, you had really good form. MICHEL: You are your mother's child. RORY: Thank you! CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai sits at her table as Christopher and Sherry walk in] LORELAI: Hey you guys. CHRISTOPHER: Hey. SHERRY: We just wanted to say a last goodbye. Rory's not here? LORELAI: She went outside somewhere. You can probably find her. SHERRY: Oh, okay. I think I will. We had such a great time last night. So I hear your dinner was good? LORELAI: Uh, yeah, it was great. SHERRY: I would love to see that house sometime, especially the portrait of Rory in the study. Any way I could get a picture? LORELAI: I can send you one. SHERRY: That would be great! So she's outside? LORELAI: Somewhere. SHERRY: I'm gonna try to corral her. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, bring her by so I can see her too. SHERRY: Okay. Bye Lorelai. Thanks for everything. LORELAI: Oh, you're welcome. Bye. [Sherry walks out, Christopher sits down with Lorelai] CHRISTOPHER: So, quaint evening of theater last night. LORELAI: Ah yes, the Gilmore family players rival the Barrymores for their sophisticated, dramatic productions. CHRISTOPHER: I never thought she'd freak over Rory not being there like that. I never wanted to put you in that position. LORELAI: Oh, you couldn't have known. CHRISTOPHER: I mean, Rory's missed the occasional dinner before. LORELAI: Yeah, well, this was compounded by other things. CHRISTOPHER: What other things? LORELAI: You should know as well as I that when it comes to Emily Gilmore, it's never simple. CHRISTOPHER: Got it. Ah, looks like they found each other. You know, Sherry had a really good time last night. I hope Rory did too. LORELAI: Yeah, she seemed to. CHRISTOPHER: Good, good. LORELAI: So Chris, before you go, um, I have something I wanna say to you. CHRISTOPHER: Uh oh. LORELAI: It's not an uh oh. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, what? LORELAI: Well, I, um, I kind of realized something with you and Sherry visiting and God help me, because of something my mother said to me. CHRISTOPHER: Wow, inspiration can come from the unlikeliest sources. LORELAI: I was just thinking, you know, all these years, no matter what my relationship status has been, whether I've been dating or hibernating or whatever, I think I've always had you in the back of my mind - you know, the prospect of us being together. But this prospect was sort of indefinitely on hold while you, you know, found yourself and, uh, got your personal life together so that you could really be there for me and especially for Rory. But you and I have been so linked in my mind that I think I have unconsciously sabotaged every decent relationship I've had, including the one with Max, because I was waiting for you, and I shouldn't have been. And now that I see that, and I see you settling down with Sherry, I think I can move beyond it. CHRISTOPHER: Good, I'm really glad this is good for you Lorelai. LORELAI: It is. Chris? CHRISTOPHER: How dare you put that on me? LORELAI: I'm just thanking you. CHRISTOPHER: Well, don't. LORELAI: What's wrong? CHRISTOPHER: What's wrong? Dammit Lorelai, you're dumping fifteen years of unhappiness on me? Fifteen years of not having healthy, lasting relationships on me? You're blaming me for breaking up with Max and not marrying him? That's all my fault? LORELAI: No, I just - . CHRISTOPHER: I did nothing to deserve that. LORELAI: I'm not saying that you did. CHRISTOPHER: You're as good as saying it. LORELAI: No, I'm not. CHRISTOPHER: Then what did you expect to come from this divine revelation that you've been so kind to share with me? Did you want me to apologize to you for ruining your life or comfort you and say ‘there, there, everything's gonna be all right' so you can feel okay? Forget it! LORELAI: Chris, wait! CHRISTOPHER: Look, if there's anything else you feel bad about in your life that you wanna dump on my doorstep, just leave a note! [leaves] [Lorelai glances at the counter at Luke, who quickly looks down. Through the window, Christopher hugs Rory goodbye]

Plan: A: Christopher; Q: Who comes to town on a business trip? A: Sherry; Q: Who is Christopher's girlfriend? A: Friday night; Q: When does Sherry want to bond with Rory? A: Lorelai; Q: Who does Emily blame for keeping Christopher at arms length? A: the Gilmore; Q: What is the name of the family that has a Friday night dinner? A: cocktails; Q: What do Emily and Lorelai drink when they talk about Christopher? A: a meltdown; Q: What does Emily have when she finds out about Sherry? A: the kitchen; Q: Where does Emily go after she finds out about Sherry? A: her mother's words; Q: What does Lorelai mull over? A: Max; Q: Who was Lorelai's ex-fiance? A: Lorelai's romantic life; Q: What does Christopher refuse to accept responsibility for? Summary: Christopher comes to town on a business trip with his girlfriend Sherry in tow. Since Sherry and Christopher's relationship is getting serious, Sherry wants to begin bonding with Rory -- on Friday night. Without consulting Emily, Lorelai excuses Rory from the Gilmore Friday night dinner, and takes Christopher with her instead. When Emily finds out about Sherry over cocktails, she has a meltdown and rushes off to the kitchen. Lorelai follows her there and finds out that Emily has always envisioned that Lorelai and Christopher would end up together. Now that she sees that this isn't going to happen, Emily blames Lorelai for always keeping him, and everyone else, at arms length. After mulling over her mother's words, the next morning Lorelai tells Christopher that she's always thought that they would get back together, too, and that's why she's never had a relationship that lasted, including the one with Max. Christopher gets very angry, refusing to accept the responsibility for the way Lorelai's romantic life has turned out.

Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: I gotcha one. [Pam hands over a grape soda to Jim] Jim: Oh wow, thank you. Pam: Yeah. Jim: I'm just gonna grab some chips, you want some? Pam: No. Thanks... uh we're still having lunch today, right? Jim: I guess. [Pam smiles and walks away, then comes back and kisses Jim on the cheek] How dare you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey Toby. What's this? [holds up memo Toby has passed out to the staff] Toby: Ohh. Michael: [reads memo] I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection. Toby: Yes, uh some people in the office have complained... Michael: Oh really. Toby: ...about some other people engaging in PDA and, you know [Michael leans in closer to Toby] I just wanted to remind it's not appropriate to, to do that. Michael: Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don't think. I don't think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and, and most people had left by that point. So I don't think it's any of your business. What I think you should do is roll up the memo, real tight... Toby: Ok, look the memo is not about you... Angela: [to everyone in the room] For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work, in any capacity. Toby: Alright everyone, look, it, alright my complaint was about Jim and Pam. So... Michael: [turns to address Jim and Pam] No way. Dwight: What? Phyllis: You guys are together? Jim: Ummm... yup. Yes, we are. Michael: Woooah! Wow! Andy: Tuna! Michael: Awesome! Kevin: I knew it! Michael: You guys! Yes! Yes! Pam: Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us? Toby: Yes. Michael: Oh kay, mind is exploding. Get over here. [gestures to Pam to get up] Come on. Come here. Okay, okay, [to Jim] stand up. [Jim moves over in chair] OK, here we go. [holding both Pam and Jim's hand] Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today, is the day that Jim and Pam become one. Jim: Actually, we've been dating for a couple months. Michael: I love you guys, so much. [hugs Jim] Jim: Ohh.. [Michael goes to hug Pam, phone rings] Pam: Phone's ringing. [goes back toward desk] Michael: No, no, no Pam let 'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is [starts to well up] really good, this is really good. My heart soars with the eagles nest. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I don't see it. I think they both could do better. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: It's not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey. Can you make that straighter? That's what she said. Phyllis: Did you plan it? Michael: No. [tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it] Pam: [reading from paper] Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally? Michael: Blowing up balloons I thought. Pam: You might want to trim it a little. Phyllis: Michael... [Kelly enters conference room in a flirty red dress] Kelly: [reading sign] Oh, is... Ryan coming back today? Pam: Yeah, he is. Kelly: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: What do you want? Dwight: To give you this [reveals a cat from under a coat]. Angela: Oh, what is that? Dwight: It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed. Angela: Her name was Sprinkles. Dwight: And his name is... Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage. [shakes cat] Don't you Garbage? [makes chomping noises] Angela: I can't believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles. Before she's even in the ground. Dwight: You haven't buried her yet? Angela: Don't rush me. I'm grieving. Dwight: Garbage can be very helpful. OK, he's a youthful cat. He killed an entire family of raccoons. [holds cat towards Angela] Look at him. Angela: I don't want Garbage! I want Sprinkles! [walks away] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey Toby. Toby: Hey... [sees both Jim and Pam] you two. Jim: Hey. So now that we are dating, uh, we just wanted to know if we had to sign one of those 'we're dating' things for the company. Toby: Oh well, you know, those were only for, you know [makes quotes with fingers] relationships, so... if, if this is just a casual thing, there's no need, really. Jim: Oh. Pam: Well, I don't wanna speak for Jim, but, it's like pretty official. [Jim smiles] Toby: Uh huh. Jim: Sorry, uh do we need to sign one, or...? Toby: Let's just wait and see what happens. [whispers] You know? Jim: What? Toby: Let's just wait. Jim: Oh, OK. Pam: OK. Jim: Great. [Jim and Pam walk away] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [sees Ryan coming through door] Hey Ryan. Welcome back -- Ryan: Hold on one second. [Ryan types on Blackberry for a few seconds] Hey Pam! It's great to see you. Is Michael in? Michael: Hey! Pam: Yeah. Michael: There he is! There he is! He's back! And he's with a beard. [laughing] He... He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sunny Crockett. I'm Tubs. Ryan: OK. Should we get started? Michael: Ohh, yeah, let's get started because uh, yes, cause uh this is very serious business and umm.. Ryan: Yep, exactly. This is a business meeting. Michael: ...business meeting -- Kevin: [rubbing hands in Ryan's hair] Fire! Ryan: Stop that! Stop that! Michael: That's right! That's right! Ryan: [to Kevin] You scared me. Michael: Fire guy. Don't start any fires, Ryan. Andy: Fire guy [makes flames with his hands] Kevin: You weren't here for that. Andy: Here for what? Kevin: When he started the fire. Michael: Look how big he is. Look at you, you are so mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man... Kevin: Little old man boy. Ryan: Michael and everybody, umm... Michael: Beard. Kevin: Bearded man boy. Ryan: ...let me just say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I'd like your respect. I am your boss now. You're gonna have to treat me that same way you treated Jan. Michael: Oh, wow! Ryan: So... Michael: That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way. Ryan: OK... Michael: Woooo![laughs] I think Ryan has a gay crush on me. Ryan: Enough! OK? This is inappropriate and it stops right now. Do you understand? Michael: Yes, everybody, come on. Settle town. Let's get serious here. Um Ryan, has a very special, important presentation to do, which we will be doing in the conference room in [looks at Ryan] 10 minutes? Ryan: Perfect. Michael: Sounds good. OK, alright. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor to ceiling streamlining of our business model. The center piece of the campaign is a new business-to-business website interface that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what's wrong with it. [Jim at his desk, showing the Dunder Mifflin website reading "Under Construction. Coming Christmas 2002!"] [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: This is a massive overhaul. We're getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the market place. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use. Michael: OOhh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. Ryan: I'll stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions? Dwight? Dwight: What if we don't want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless? Ryan: This is company-wide, Dwight. Dwight: Got it. [Andy's hand goes up] Ryan: Andy. Andy: We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together? Ryan: Any other questions? [Kelly's hand goes up] Kelly Kapoor. Kelly: Can we speak privately about our relationship? Ryan: Thank you everybody. Michael: Ryan Howard everybody. [starts clapping] Good job. [everyone gets up to leave] Creed: That's some fun stuff. When does the website go up? Ryan: As fast as possible. We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P., so we can hit the ground running with a new system. Creed: Cool beans. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: We're screwed. Michael: Who is? Creed: Us? You and me. The old timers. Michael: I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred. Creed: You're over 40, that's the cut off. Are you listening to what he's saying? Re-training. New system. Youth. I'm telling you this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Swore I wouldn't tell anyone this, but in the interest of revealing secrets. Oh my God, this will make your brain explode. Umm, Dwight and Angela dating. Have been for six months. Pam: No.. [in awe] Jim: Swear to God. [Pam shakes her head]. Aww this is great. I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday, but this is much more fun. Pam: No, they have been dating for like two years. [Jim in shock] Since before your barbeque. Jim: Wait. What? [Pam nods her head] You knew? And you didn't say anything? Pam: You didn't say anything to me? Jim: Fair enough. Wow! We should have started dating like a long time ago. Pam: Can you believe that... Phyllis: Sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here. Jim: Oh no, we're just sitting here. Phyllis: I couldn't see your hands. [Jim shakes his hands] Hey Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week, OK? Pam: OK. Phyllis: OK. Jim: OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: And... that is why we waited so long to tell people. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: OK, what's up? Michael: Yeah, kay. I was just... After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual? Ryan: Well it is business, but not as usual. Michael: Yeah, I know I understand... we're making great strides and we're updating, but business as usual, no? Ryan: No. [shaking head] We're throwing out the entire playbook, we're starting from scratch, we're implementing a brand new system. Michael: Good, so, we're on the same page? Ryan: No. We're not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: So, how are you? Kelly: Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys. Ryan: Good. Kelly: A lot. Black guys mostly. Ryan: Kelly... Kelly: What?! [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Wait, uh, how do you touch just one of these buttons at a time? Stanley: I don't know. Phyllis: Did you even try? Stanley: If the kid wants to set mine up, I'll let him. Phyllis: I can't see half of the things. [adjusts glasses] Stanley: It's too little. Use the phone. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want. Ryan: Kelly, I'm your boss now, OK? You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend. Kelly: Oh big strong man, fancy new whatever. I don't think you ever cared about me. Ryan: I never cared about you? Six months ago Karen Filipelli sent me an email. Asked me out. I said no, because I was committed to our relationship. Kelly: Well, I hope you're still committed because I'm pregnant. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [shaking head] [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: And guess what buddy, [points at Ryan] I am keeping it. Ryan: OK. OK. Kelly: Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby? Ryan: I can... I can't talk about this right now, OK? After work, we'll go out to dinner, we'll talk about it then, OK? [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: We have a date! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hello. Angela: Hello, Dwight. I've been thinking about things and I wanted to know if you would have dinner with me tonight? Dwight: Really? Angela: Yes. Dwight: I'll make a reservation. No, no. Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side. Angela: I would prefer a public place. See you after work. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Hi, Pam. Pam: Hi. Jan: Is Michael in? Pam: In his office. You can go right in. Jan: [to Ryan] Hey. Ryan: Jan. Jan: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan, Ryan. Ryan: So elephant in the room, I have your old job. Jan: Well, not exactly my job... I had a different title. Ryan: Oh well, excuse me, same office, same responsibilities. Jan: Different salary. [laughs] You'll get there, don't worry. Ryan: Well... you look great. Jan: Thank you, thank you. Ryan: Scranton suits you. Jan: Best decision I ever made. Ryan: You were let go. Jan: You know what? I love the beard. Keep it forever. [goes into Michael's office] Michael: Hey. Jan: Hey. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [holds up Blackberry] Hey, what is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles? Jan: What? Michael: I don't want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids. Jan: So, what's Ryan doing here? Michael: Oh, I dunno, they're launching a big new business plan. New website, blah blah blah. He's being a real twerp about it, so, it's all about youth, and agility and streamlining and trying to squeeze out the older people. Jan: He's such a snake. Michael: Well... Jan: I hope he's gets hit with an ageism suit. Michael: What is that... word? Jan: Ageism? Companies they can't discriminate against people due to old age. Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off. Michael: So older people have just as many rights as younger people? Jan: Yes, Michael, they do. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Creed? Creed: Yes, sir. Oscar: Everything OK? [Creed has made his hair jet black] Creed: Everything's cool, dude. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: I'm thirty. Well, in November I'll be thirty. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Is there another meeting scheduled, I was gonna do the Blackberry tutorial in here. Pam: Michael told us to wait in here. We don't know why. Ryan: [notices pictures on the wall] Ohh... man. Michael: Good, we're all here, we can get started. Ryan: Michael. Michael: Have a seat. Ryan: We're not doing this today. Michael: Have a seat. Like everybody else. Ryan: OK. This is... Michael: Still my office, Ryan. [Ryan sits down] Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also... illegal, because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did. Toby: Technically, he's right. Michael: Hey, shut up Toby. Look, why do we as a society hate old people so much? Creed: Because they're lame. Michael: No, Creed, no they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. [points to her picture on the wall] Or the funny things that they can do, like "where's the Beef?" [points to another picture on wall] [Jim raises his hand] Yeah. Jim: Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already, when you burned your foot. Pam: Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too. Michael: I was going to put up some new pictures, but umm, all of the ink in the printer was gone. Pam: Oh. [man enters conference room] Robert Dunder: Michael Scott? Michael: [puts hand up] That is me. Come on in. [They shake hands] Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who's this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. Huh? [starts clapping, others join in] Dwight: Oh, yeah. Yes! Robert Dunder: Thank you everyone. Ryan: Michael, [gets up] can I talk to you a second? Michael: Sure thing. [both go out of conference room] 'Scuse me. [closes door] [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: We have actual work to do. Michael: Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. [they glare at each other] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Bob, how old are you? Robert Dunder: I'm 87. Michael: Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin? Robert Dunder: Well, I, I, I haven't been to a board meeting in years. I, I send a proxy. Michael: Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I'm gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103, and still puttering around in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert Dunder: I started this company in 1949. Michael: Wow. Robert Dunder: Back then, it was an uh, an industrial supplier of metal brackets mostly for, for construction. Michael: Oh, boy. Robert Dunder: And then Mifflin, of course he killed himself later... Uh, but I knew Mifflin through the Rotary Club. Michael: Great. Robert Dunder: And he was, he was [starts laughing] at dinner with Beverly and her husband, wha-what was his name, umm... uhh... Jerry.. Jerry Trupiano from, from South Jersey and he was tall. Both he and Mifflin were tall guys. Michael: Great. Robert Dunder: And... Michael: That's great. Thank you for coming in. [starts ushering him out] Robert Dunder everybody. [clapping] Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride? Robert Dunder: Well I, I, I came here in a cab. Michael: Perfect. [starts closing the door] Robert Dunder: Well, cou, could you get me another... [Michael closes door] Michael: Inspirational. What have we learned? Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because it's illegal, and you will go to jail. [Pam raises hand] Pam: I think that I should help him get home. Michael: No, No. Don't help him. He doesn't need help, Pam. [Jim nods head and Pam gets up and leaves to help Robert Dunder, Michael shows Robert thumbs up] What a nice guy. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Good night guys. [staff leaves the office] Ryan: Well, today was a fantastic waste of time. Michael: I disagree, I think it was very valuable. Ryan: Michael, technology helps business OK? You should not resist it, this is the way the world is moving. Michael: I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it. Ryan: Ok. I look forward to hearing your ideas. [Michael retreats back to office] [to Kelly] Where do you wanna go? Kelly: You know, some place romantic and expensive. Ryan: Kelly, come on. Kelly: You know what, you're right. I'm feeling kind of nauseous anyway. So, you know skip it. [Ryan hesitates and takes her hand and they exit] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles? Angela: Very much. How's your meat? Dwight: Dry. Delicious. Angela: I heard a joke today. Dwight: Oh, that's funny. Angela: Yes, it was. Dwight: Are you enjoying your mineral water? Angela: I can't do this. I can't be with you. Every time I look in your eyes I see Sprinkles' stiff lifeless body. Dwight: Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here [points to middle of forehead above the eyes], it's an old sales trick. Angela: I'm sorry. I gave this everything I could. Dwight: No, please don't do this, monkey. Angela: I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning. [gets up and leaves restaurant] [SCENE_BREAK] [ New Scene ] [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Hey guys. This is my, uh, girlfriend, Amy. Pam: Hi. Jim: Hey, Amy. How ya doing? Pam: Nice to meet you. Jim: [under his breath] Nice to meet you. Toby: [gesturing to the rest of the office] This is everybody else... okay... This is the place... so thanks for the lift. Amy: Yeah, sure. I'll, uh, I'll see you tonight, right? Toby: Absolutely. [Toby kisses Amy for an extended period of time, Pam and Jim are shocked] Amy: Whoa. Easy tiger. Toby: I just really like you. Amy: Okay. Bye guys. Nice to meet you. Toby: Have a great day! Pam: Whoa, Toby. Watch out. You're going to violate your own PDA memo. Toby: I wouldn't want to do that now would I? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Smell that. Do you smell that? Dwight: Dry rot? Michael: No, Dwight. That smells like good business to me. What I have done here is I have collected all the finest gourmet items that Scranton has to offer. Andy: Mmhmm, sweet, chocolate turtles. Michael: Yes, no! No, those are for our clients. Actually, our exclients. I'll explain, later. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and IM's, but I think he's forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attatched to baskets of food. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Excuse me, Angela. Michael asked me to turn in these reciepts for these gift basket items. Angela: Thank you. Dwight: You're welcome. Angela: Is that all? Dwight: Yes... [whispers] I miss you. Angela: Elevators. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Dwight, you have to listen to me! We are not seeing each other anymore! Can you accept that? Dwight: Fine. [sighs] Then I just want to be friends. Angela: Good. Dwight: Plus a little extra. Also, I love you. Angela: [walks away] [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I don't understand what the big deal is. Ryan: You don't? Kelly: No! Ryan: You lied about being pregnant. Kelly: Right, so? Ryan: You really don't understand why that might make me kind of angry? Kelly: No! Ryan: We're never getting back together. Kelly: Why not? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey. Jim: Alright I just have to ask now that we're public, um, is the magic gone? Pam: It's funny you bring that up because yes it is. Jim: I knew it. Oh man, just like that huh? Pam: I think... I mean, I don't know what it is but... Jim: Be honest. Pam: I now find you repulsive. Jim: That's honest. [sighs] Alright, fair enough. It was really fun while it lasted though, wasn't it? Pam: Eh... Jim: For me, it was. Pam: OK. Jim: Alright. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey boss, I didn't know you were coming in today. Ryan: What's, uh, going on here? Michael: I am glad that you asked, listen up everybody. In the last year, we have lost seven clients to the big chains. These gift baskets are our ticket back into their lives. We are going to show up at these businesses unannounced, and we are going to win them back. Ryan: With gift baskets. Michael: With peanut brittle, with macadamia nut cookies, with chocolate turtles, with raspberry jam and a little bit of fat and salt because you know what? That's what people like. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I can't do things. "You can't be on the team", "You can't move on to second grade". Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old fashioned business methods. [shakes head] We'll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: OK. We're gonna split up into teams. Jim, Phyllis. Stanley, Dwight. Me Andy. Stanley: I'm not driving with him. [points at Dwight] Andy: I'll go with you Stanley. Stanley: Or him. Jim: Why don't we just go by ourselves? Michael: Why don't we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship? Phyllis: Michael. Michael: Yes? Phyllis: This is stupid. Michael: OK, that's not helpful Phyllis. Phyllis: How is giving people gift baskets going to get our clients back? Michael: Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can recieve. Andy: What about cash? With cash you can buy anything you want, including a gift basket, so... it's kind of the best gift ever. Jim: What about a gift basket full of cash? Andy: Yes! Cash basket! Nice work Tuna. Michael: Fine, I'm just going to go by myself, and I am going to win them back by myself because this is important to me. [walks toward the door] Dwight: Michael, wait. Let me go. Michael: No, this is my quest. Dwight: Please, let me go. I need to win those clients back. [camera moves around and zooms in at Angela's face] Please. Michael: Fine. Then God speed. To both of us. Ryan: Good luck Michael. Michael: We don't need luck. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: But thank you, that was really nice of you to say. Dwight: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Business to business. The old fasioned way. No Blackberrys, no websites. I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [speaking on the phone] Yes, I understand that David. I just felt that if we were to downsize Kelly and then outsource customer service to India which a lot of companies... Yeah, no, yes Kelly is Indian... I understand that's confusing. Creed: [looks at vending machine] Hey brah, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later skater. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [in Michael's car] Sweet ride, American made. What happened to the Sebring? Michael: It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith. Dwight: Ah, that's a pain in the ass. Michael: I know. So who's next? Dwight: Larry Myers. Left us six months ago for Office Depot. GPS: Proceed to the highlighted route, then route guidence will begin. Dwight: Why do you use that thing? Let's them know where you are at all times. Michael: Who? Dwight: The government, spy satellites, private detectives... exgirlfriends. [sobs and then starts to cry] [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Next night, I'm out, at a bar, 2 AM, I figure I'll get a sandwich because you can get a sandwich any time of the night. [claps hands] I run into Vince Vaughn. Kevin: No way! Ryan: Literally. Andy: Dude, you are so money, but you don't even know it, but you do. Ryan: ... Later guys. Kevin: Yeah, later dude. Andy: Later man. Kevin: Oh, Jim! How awesome is Ryan now? Jim: Yeah, he's definitely something. Kevin: What does that mean? Jim: That whole lifestyle, his whole vibe, you find that appealing? Andy: Ha! Tuna... [inhales deeply] Tuna Tuna Tuna. Kevin: Tuna Tuna Tuna. Andy: He has a killer job, he's rich, he smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like, he wears really cool rich guy clothes. Kevin: And he can get any girl that he wants. Andy: So, sorry Tuna but if you don't know why that's awesome... then... you need awesome lessons. Kevin: Tuna. Check you later. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [places the gift basket on top of the table] Wow, those things are heavy! There's a lot of stuff in there. We have macadamia nut cookies, um, the honey mustard pretzels. Have you ever tried focaccia crisps? Larry Myers: You know we closed our account with you right? Michael: Yes we do. Larry Myers: We're with Office Depot now. Dwight: Yes, yes we know but we just have not gotten over you. Michael: Well... Dwight: And we are dedicated to providing you with the very best customer service, the very best personal business relationship we can if you ever decide to come back to us. Michael: Mmhmm. Larry Myers: OK. I don't think we're coming back. Dwight: Please, come back. Michael: OK, you know what? Just enjoy the gift basket and remember that we provide a personal touch. Dwight: Remember what we had Larry? Larry Myers: I mean, really it's about money. Michael: Well just, uh enjoy the gift basket. Larry Myers: OK thanks. Michael: Alright. Larry Myers: I mean their website is really easy to use too. That's a big deal for us. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [driving] That guy was so... how can they not know how much better we are? Dwight: I don't know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable. Michael: That is true. Dwight: Like Angela in accounting. Michael: Yes, she is nuts. Dwight: Ugh... no, she's wonderful... at accounting. But she drives me crazy. GPS: Make the next right turn. Michael: How do they know? How does this know where to turn? That's very impressive. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Hey Pam. I haven't settled on our final design logo yet for Dunder Mifflin Infinity and I know you're into graphic design. Do you want to give it a shot? Maybe try and deisgn the logo? Pam: Uh totally. Ryan: Cool, that would be great. Um, can you do a couple mock ups and I'll take a look? Pam: Yeah. Ryan: Thank you very much. Pam: Thank you. Ryan: Cool. Pam: OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Yeah, I'm gonna do some mock ups, and then turn those into thumbnails, maybe do some... splash frames. [laughs] I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm excited. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And the last guy says "No, hairy body". Ex-client: You know I have heard it before. Michael: Ah, well it's still very good. I bet I know someone who hasn't heard that joke... your daughter Emily. How's she doing? Ex-client: She's great, thanks for asking. Great memory. Michael: She's gonna be like eleven this winter? Wow, they grow up so fast. I have a few of my own that I want some day. Listen, I don't want to take any more of your time, I know you're a very busy man. The reason we have stopped by is to drop you off this elaborate bag of goodies, and to ask you to reconsider. Ex-client: Oh, OK. Michael: OK, OK! So you'll reconsider? Ex-client: OK thanks for the goodies. Michael: Ah... .is that all you have to say? Ex-client: It looks delicious? I don't know. Dwight: You don't know? Michael: Look, we want you back. Ex-client: Can you offer lower prices? Michael: Well, no. Ex-client: Then we're not coming back. Dwight: He's not coming back, it's over Michael. Michael: No it's not. Ex-client: No he's right. Dwight: Accept it, why would he come back? Michael: Why would he come back? I will tell you, Dwight. He would come back because we offer a wide selection of products and because you're definitely not getting the same sort of customer service that you get with us. Dwight: That's not gonna change his mind. He's moving on. We had our chance and we killed it. Michael: Look... we're also coming out with a website soon. It's a state of the art thing, it'll be up and running, it's gonna cut costs and it will make ordering much much easier. Ex-client: Oh, OK. Well when it's up, I'll check it out, and if it really cuts costs maybe we'll come back. Michael: Great, the magic of the gift basket. Ex-client: That I don't care about as much. Let me know when the site's up. Michael: OK, good. Don't let Emily have any of the cajun almonds, she's alergic. [SCENE_BREAK] GPS: Proceed straight. Dwight: [in Michael's car] Well we're O for six. Last chance is the Elmhurst country club. Other side of the lake, on the southeast side. Michael: I don't get it, I really don't get it. I thought this would work. I do everything I had at that guy and nothing. Dwight: That's how it goes sometimes, you know? You lose everything and everything falls apart and eventually you die and no one remembers you. Michael: That is a very good point, Dwight. GPS: Make a right turn. Dwight: Wait wait wait! No no no! It means bear right, up there. Michael: No, it said right, it said take a right. Dwight: No no no, look, it means go up to the right, bare right, over the bridge and hook up with 307. Michael: Maybe it's a shortcut Dwight. It said go to the right. [turns right] Dwight: It can't mean that! There's a lake there! Michael: The machine knows where it is going! Dwight: This is the lake! Michael: The machine knows--- stop yelling at me! Dwight: No, it's--- there's no road here! [car drives into lake] Dwight: Remain calm! I have trained for this! [unfastens seat belt] Okay, exit the window! [Dwight and Michael exit through the window] Here we go! Look out for leeches! [swims toward Michael] Are you okay?! Swim for it! I got you! [Dwight grabs onto Michael while Michael opens the back door for the camera man] Michael! Michael! Michael: Let go, let go of me! Dwight: I got you, I got you! [Michael and Dwight reach the ground] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [watching car get pulled from lake] You sure you're OK? Dwight: Fine. Michael: Good, that is what's most important. Dwight: Did you get the rental insurance? Because that is pretty important too at a time like this. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What a disaster, this whole thing. Dwight: I'll call a cab. [brings out cell phone] Michael: These people just don't realize what a gift basket means, they don't get it. Dwight: Look at that, still works. Old fashioned cell phone. Michael: What about that last guy, Aaron? Is he a jerk. "I don't even know if I want it. They're website is so easy". Yeah, well, you can have your technology jackass, look where it got us. Dwight: [speaking on the cell phone] Yes, we need a cab at Lake Scranton, at the end of East Mountain Road, in the lake. Michael: Hang up. [Dwight hangs up] You know what we're gonna do? We're walking back. We're walking back to that office and we're gonna reclaim our gift basket! Dwight: Yes! Michael: We're gonna take what's rightfully ours! We're gonna take a stand, Dwight! We're gonna take a stand! Dwight: Take a stand! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: So place it on the infinity thing without being obvious, you know? I'd love to do like a color version just to bring a little color to the logo. Ryan: I like it a lot. It's clear and subtle at the same time. It's really good, you have a real talent for this stuff. Pam: Thanks. Ryan: I'd love to talk to you about it more. Pam: That'd be great. Ryan: Do you want to go out to dinner tonight? Pam: Oh... is it... Ryan: Wear something nice. Pam: No... Ryan: What? Pam: Um... Ryan: I just... I just wanted to have dinner. Pam: I'm uh, I'm dating Jim. Ryan: You're kidding? Pam: We're together. Ryan: That's... great, I... that's awesome. Pam: Yeah, great. Ryan: [grabs paper with mockups] So let me um, let me look at these. Pam: OK great! Ryan: Cool. Pam: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I guess he can't get any girl he wants. [SCENE_BREAK] Ex-client: Did you forget something? What happened to you guys? Michael: Give it back. The gift basket, give it back. Ex-client: Oh what is this? Dwight: It's real simple. If you don't appreciate what we do, then give us back our basket. Ex-client: Maybe you should leave. Michael: Yeah, maybe we should, maybe we should leave. Come on, let's leave, but before we leave my wet friend and I are going to wait for our cabs on yours nice couches! [sits on couch] Dwight: Can you call us a cab please, I'm gonna [gets water from his clothes on the couch] Oops, sorry! Michael: Look, my clothes are so wet! Dwight: Nice leather, oh my shoes are so muddy! [rubs shoes on couch] Ex-client: [comes back with gift basket] Alright here you go, take it back! Michael: It's been opened. Ex-client: Yeah it was mine! Michael: What's missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles? Ex-client: Come on guys, get out of here! Michael: WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY? Dwight: [enters nearby room] Excuse me I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with peacons, and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them. Hand. Over. The. Turtles. Now! Ex-client: I ate them OK, I ate the turtles, they're gone! Dwight: [leaving] We'll bill you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: May I have your attention please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now. Ryan: That is not correct. Michael: Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake. Oscar: You did what? Michael: I drove my car into a [bleep] lake. Why you may ask did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it! I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me. Jim: Into a lake. Michael: Exactly! Phyllis: Did you get any clients back? Michael: Maybe, maybe not, time will tell. But I will tell you one thing. Those gift baskets never endangered anybody's lives. [looks at Ryan] Game set match... point... Scott... game over... end of game. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise... but I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie. ... It was two hundred dollars. [SCENE_BREAK] [ New Scene ] [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: You should come visit. The city is... amazing. Jim: I know. I love it there. Ryan: No. You don't know until you live there. There's something about waking up every morning and just being in that city. Jim: Mmhmm, yeah, last time I was there I had a lot of fun. Ryan: No. You can't imagine it, though. The energy when you're actually there. You're just part of something bigger than you, that's moving faster than you. Your dreams are... . it just... everything feels so limitless. Jim: Sounds great. Ryan: No. It... eh... you can't... it's not about how it sounds. Jim: Yeee... (grunts in frustration)

Plan: A: Jim and Pam's relationship; Q: What is outed to the rest of the office? A: a jealous Toby; Q: Who files a PDA complaint? A: a PDA complaint; Q: What does Toby file against Jim and Pam? A: Ryan; Q: Who returns to the office to introduce "Dunder Mifflin Infinity"? A: "Dunder Mifflin Infinity; Q: What is the name of Ryan's new plan? A: older workers; Q: Who does Creed warn Michael about? A: an "ageism seminar; Q: What does Michael hold after Creed warns him of the possible effects of Ryan's changes? A: Kelly; Q: Who tries to trick Ryan into getting back together with her? A: the personal touch; Q: What does Michael believe is more important than technology? A: Dwight; Q: Who does Michael take with him to present food gift baskets to former clients? A: seven former clients; Q: How many former clients did Michael and Dwight visit? A: no luck; Q: Did Michael have any luck with his gift baskets? A: a scene; Q: What does Michael cause at one of the clients' office? A: his rental car's GPS; Q: What did Michael not understand? A: Lake Scranton; Q: Where does Michael drive his rental car into? Summary: Jim and Pam's relationship is outed to the rest of the office after a jealous Toby files a PDA complaint. Ryan returns to the offices for the first time since his promotion to introduce "Dunder Mifflin Infinity", his plan to use technology to revitalize the uncompetitive company. Creed warns Michael of the possible effects this change will have with older workers, leading Michael to hold an "ageism seminar". Meanwhile, Kelly tries to trick Ryan into getting back together with her. Michael, believing the personal touch is more important than technology, leaves with Dwight to present food gift baskets to seven former clients to try to win them back. After presenting six of the baskets with no luck, Michael gets frustrated and causes a scene at one of the clients' office. On their return, unable to properly understand his rental car's GPS, Michael drives it into Lake Scranton.

PAUL ERICKSON & LESLEY SCOTT 05:15pm-05:50pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK MONOID ONE: Two! Are you there? Two! Answer me! [SCENE_BREAK] 2. EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE. LAUNCHER LANDING SITE (The DOCTOR and DODO stand over the smouldering remains of the Launcher.) DODO: Doctor, what'll we do now? DOCTOR: Nothing, my dear. We shall just have to wait until the next party lands. DODO: But what if they don't come? What if they decide to find another planet? DOCTOR: Well, in that case we shall just have to stay here, mm? [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK MONOID THREE: What has happened? Why does Two no longer give us his report? MONOID ONE: I don't know. It could be a simple break in communications - or that he was attacked! MONOID THREE: But his report of conditions on the planet Refusis started favourably. MONOID ONE: Yes... MONOID THREE: Then what do we do, One? (MONOID ONE walks across the control deck, considering their next action. He stops on one side of the chamber and turns to address his people.) MONOID ONE: We will proceed with our plans. We will prepare ourselves for the main landings! (MONOID TWO turns to the other MONOIDS.) MONOID THREE: One has spoken. Get the launchers ready and prepare the Monoid population trays for the journey. (MONOID TWO walks off. One of the MONOIDS, numbered "4" turns to one of its compatriots, numbered "6".) MONOID FOUR: The leader has said that we must go but supposing he is wrong? We still don't know what Refusis is like. (Across the room...) MONOID ONE: (Pointing into the heavens.) At last, a new planet of our own - where we can establish our own way of life. (MONOID THREE has been watching MONOID FOUR.) MONOID THREE: Yes One, but a word of warning... MONOID ONE: (Turning round.) What's that? MONOID THREE: Four is beginning to question the wisdom of your leadership. MONOID ONE: (Laughs.) Don't worry. (He glances over to FOUR.) At the slightest sign of opposition, we can easily get rid of him. As easily as we will this spaceship, once we have left it. Remember, the final answer which is locked in the head of that statue. (He looks up to the statue.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. REFUSIS II. CASTLE (The DOCTOR and DODO have returned to the castle and they face a chair in which the invisible REFUSIAN is sat.) REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Doctor, we are, as you know, concerned about the arrival of the Ark and what it will mean to this planet. (The DOCTOR sits down at the other side of the table.) DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I can quite understand that. That is why you destroyed the Launcher, hmm? REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Here, we've always known peace - never war or conflict. DODO: You're not the only ones like that. The Guardians - you know the humans who travel in the spaceship - they have...used to have your ideas too. DOCTOR: Yes, that's true my dear but, er, you mustn't think they were perfect. On no! Sometimes they were extremely intolerant and selfish. REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Is that why they were conquered by the Monoids? DOCTOR: Exactly! DODO: (To the MONOID.) Yes, I know...but there are some of them left who wouldn't mind rising up against the Monoids and trying to do better. REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Then we will allow them time to make their attempt. We will wait for the passing of one day before we think in terms of employing defensive measures. DOCTOR: Yes, one day, thank you. DODO: Now, it's up to Steven and the others. DOCTOR: Quite so, my dear, quite so. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. ARK. KITCHEN (STEVEN stares through the small window in the door of the kitchen as VENUSSA and DASSUK watch.) STEVEN: The Monoids are up to something. They're rushing about all over the place. VENUSSA: (To DASSUK.) Do you think they're preparing to leave the Ark? DASSUK: Probably. STEVEN: Look, isn't there a way to get out of this kitchen? VENUSSA: None, the walls are thick and the doors only open from the outside. STEVEN: Well, who opens it? DASSUK: Well they do. Sometimes one of the subject Guardians, Maharis for instance. STEVEN: Then we must get him to help us. VENUSSA: He won't - he's too frightened. STEVEN: All right. (Thinks.) We'll have to use his help without his knowing it. (DASSUK and VENUSSA look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (MAHARIS carries a tray of food onto the control deck. MONOID ONE signals to him from the command chair and MAHARIS takes the tray over. MONOID THREE walks over to the Launching bay at the side of the control deck where Guardians are loading silver boxes into a Launcher. Each box contains several trays of miniaturised MONOIDS.) MONOID THREE: Be careful. Remember - each tray contains a thousand Monoids, thoughtfully preserved as micro-cells by your ancestors. They must reach their new life on Refusis safely. (THREE walks over to the command chair where ONE is finishing his meal.) MONOID THREE: Everything is proceeding according to plan, One. We must have... (ONE holds up a hand for silence and turns to the watching MAHARIS.) MONOID ONE: Thank you, Maharis. That is all. MAHARIS: Yes One. (MAHARIS takes the tray and leaves.) MONOID ONE: Stupid trusting creature. He and all the other subject Guardians are still under the illusion that they will be coming with us to Refusis. MONOID THREE: They are a blind people. They deserve their fate. MONOID ONE: Yes. What were you going to say? MONOID THREE: I was reporting that the preparation of the Launchers is proceeding satisfactorily. MONOID ONE: Good! Then we shall leave shortly. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. ARK. KITCHEN (STEVEN and VENUSSA carefully cover a form with blankets in the corner of the kitchen. They walk over to the middle of the room and wait nervously. After a moment, the door glides open and MAHARIS enters with the finished tray. As he walks towards the central table DASSUK makes for the door from a corner of the kitchen. MAHARIS puts the tray down and turns to leave. DASSUK jumps back out of view.) VENUSSA: Maharis, what's the news from outside? MAHARIS: (Slightly panicking.) The Monoids are preparing to leave. (STEVEN takes him over to one side of the room. VENUSSA signals to DASSUK to make a run for it through the open door.) STEVEN: And you still think they'll take you? MAHARIS: Why not? We can serve them on Refusis as well as here. (He suddenly looks round.) MAHARIS: Just a moment - where's Dassuk? VENUSSA: Asleep. (VENUSSA points to the form that they have covered. MAHARIS looks at STEVEN and VENUSSA nervously, then leaves the room. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. ARK. CORRIDOR (Once outside the kitchen, he waves at the door and it closes. DASSUK watches from round a corner, then once MAHARIS has left, he is about to run back to the door when two armed MONOIDS shuffle round the corner. He jumps back into hiding, watched by STEVEN through the window. The MONOIDS move on, then DASSUK waves at the door to open. STEVEN, VENUSSA and the other Guardians pour out.) DASSUK: Hurry! I don't think he saw me 'though we haven't much time. VENUSSA: What first? STEVEN: Well, we agreed - first we've got to find that bomb that the Monoids left behind. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (MONOID FOUR continues to conspire with his cohorts...) MONOID FOUR: The moment we land - then we decide whether One is to stay our leader. If Refusis is dangerous, we must return to the Ark before it is destroyed. (They move off past the control panel where TWO is reporting to ONE.) MONOID THREE: There is still no contact from Two on Refusis, One. MONOID ONE: Never mind that. We will now go there ourselves. Give the signal. (ONE moves off as THREE activates the signal. It is heard by the escapees as they enter the control deck.) STEVEN: What's that? VENUSSA: The main landing's order. STEVEN: So they're not going to wait any longer. (They rush off. In the Launching bay, a door closes on a Launcher, inside which sit MONOID'S ONE and THREE.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. LAUNCHER MONOID THREE: What about the bomb? MONOID ONE: It is set. It is timed to explode in twelve hours from now. (THREE activates some of the controls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (STEVEN and VENUSSA run up to the door of Launching Bay 7 but it has closed. They run back to the control desk. A monitor shows three Launchers emerging out of the Ark and heading towards Refusis II. MAHARIS runs up to where STEVEN, DASSUK, VENUSSA and other Guardians are watching the image.) MAHARIS: (Panicking.) Steven was right! The Monoids have all gone! Every one of them! DASSUK: (To STEVEN.) What now? STEVEN: Just find that bomb. (The two men and the other Guardians leave to start the search.) STEVEN: (To VENUSSA.) We've got to find a way of getting back to Refusis. (He starts to look over the control desk.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE. LAUNCHER LANDING SITE (The Launchers descend to the planet's surface. The door to one of them opens and MONDOIDS ONE and THREE step out and look round.) MONOID ONE: Good. Everything seems to be quiet - and from this moment on, this planet is ours! MONOID THREE: Look. (THREE points to the debris of the destroyed Launcher. They walk over to it as MONOID FOUR and Six step out of the just-landed Launcher.) MONOID THREE: There is the reason why Two failed to complete his message to us. MONOID ONE: A reason and a warning. We must find who destroyed that launcher, and then - destroy them! (ONE and THREE step off into the jungle, not seeing the DOCTOR and DODO concealed in the bushes, watching and listening.) MONOID FOUR: One made a mistake in bringing us here. We will have to wait for our chance, then challenge him and return to the Ark. There is still time before it is destroyed by that bomb that has been left behind. (The DOCTOR hears this remark.) MONOID FOUR: Come, we must not let One and the others get out of our sight. (FOUR and Six follow their compatriots into the Jungle.) DOCTOR: (To DODO.) Now. (They emerge from hiding and run into the Launcher.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (STEVEN and VENUSSA look at an illuminated map of the Ark on the control desk.) STEVEN: They could be anywhere, the corridors, in the jungle over there, in the cultivated lands... VENUSSA: We'll find it, we must! (A buzzer starts sounding on the control desk.) STEVEN: What's that? VENUSSA: It's one of the launchers trying to make contact. (She presses a control.) VENUSSA: We're in contact. Who is that? DOCTOR: (OOV: Over communicator.) This is Refusis...contacting spaceship Ark. STEVEN: It's the Doctor. Hello Doctor, this is Steven. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. LAUNCHER DOCTOR: Oh, thank heaven, Steven my boy, you're safe, now listen; The Ark is about to blow up! [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK STEVEN: We know that. Do you know where the bomb is? (The DOCTOR'S image is on the large monitor screen. Several Guardians walk into the listen...) DOCTOR: No I do not, but I'm going to find out from the Monoids. In the meantime, I'll send back some of the launchers to the Ark. Now, continue with the search! (The screen goes blank. STEVEN turns to the Guardians.) STEVEN: All right, you heard what he said. Let's get started. (They all rush off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. ARK. LAUNCHER DODO: But Doctor, how are you going to talk to the Monoids...and how are you going to send the launchers back to the Ark? REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Yes Doctor, how? (The REFUSIAN is sat next to the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Oh, I'm glad you heard that. You know, er, these launchers are simple to operate and I would like to suggest, my friend, that you fly them back to the Ark. REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Me?! DOCTOR: Yes, the Monoids won't know who's taking them - and as for me talking to them, or speaking to them, as you say, well, the problem's quite simple. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE. LAUNCHER LANDING SITE (Two MONOIDS, THREE and Sixty-three approach the Launcher.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. LAUNCHER REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Very well. We will do as you suggest. DOCTOR: Thank you. (The DOCTOR gestures to DODO and they step out of the Launcher...) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE. LAUNCHER LANDING SITE (...to where the two MONOIDS wait for them. The DOCTOR is not perturbed.) DOCTOR: Dah! So we meet again! Welcome to Refusis. (Laughs.) (Sixty-three raises his gun, only to have it pushed down by THREE.) MONOID THREE: Don't kill them. One will want to question them. You will come with us. DOCTOR: Delighted, delighted! (The DOCTOR and DODO follow THREE. Sixty-three turns round and sees the seemingly empty Launcher rising into the air.) MONOID THREE: Who is it that travels in that launcher? We have seen no one since we have been here. DOCTOR: (Smiling.) Well to tell the truth, er, neither have we, hmm, hmm! [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (STEVEN walks up to MAHARIS who is stood at the base of the statue and points up at the edifice.) STEVEN: Have you checked this? MAHARIS: What's the use? There's nothing there. STEVEN: Look, there's no point standing around moping just because the Monoids promise you something and then failed you. You've got to do something to save yourself. MAHARIS: (Shouts.) I believed in them! (DASSUK runs up.) DASSUK: Steven! Come quickly! STEVEN: Why? What's happened? DASSUK: One of the launchers has returned from Refusis. (STEVEN joins the other Guardians who cluster round the Launcher in its bay.) VENUSSA: Look! [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. LAUNCHER (STEVEN peers inside the Launcher.) STEVEN: At what? It's empty. VENUSSA: I know. It was empty when we opened the door. (The REFUSIAN laughs. STEVEN and the Guardians look at each other in surprise.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. REFUSIS II. CASTLE (The DOCTOR and DODO have been brought before MONOID ONE.) MONOID ONE: Doctor, where are the Refusians? DOCTOR: I don't know - I haven't seen one! (He smiles at DODO.) MONOID ONE: (Angrily.) You step out of the launcher, a moment later it was flown away. It must have been manned by someone. I must find the answer. MONOID THREE: Do you think they will talk, One? MONOID ONE: If they don't - they will die! (FOUR walks through the castle door at this moment.) MONOID FOUR: Perhaps - but it would seem that we will die as well. MONOID ONE: Do you seek to challenge me, Four? MONOID FOUR: You have led us to this planet and placed us all in danger. MONOID ONE: If that is the way you feel, then return to the Ark. MONOID FOUR: We will - only there we have to face the danger that you created... (MONOID ONE starts to laugh.) MONOID FOUR: ...the fission device. MONOID ONE: Leaving you with but one problem - that of getting rid of it. But since it is inside the statue... (The DOCTOR and DODO look at each other.) MONOID ONE: ...and the statue itself is so heavy, I think that you will find the problem of disposal is not so easy. (FOUR walks back to the entrance door, turns and addresses the MONOIDS.) MONOID FOUR: Those of you that wish to stay in this world of the unknown, will side with One. But those who care for the future of the Monoids must come with me. (FOUR walks out followed by three companions.) MONOID THREE: Will you let them go? MONOID ONE: No. (He gets up and grabs a gun from a MONOID.) MONOID ONE: We'll destroy them in the open... (To the DOCTOR and DODO.) ...and we will deal with you and the Refusians later. (ONE gestures to a MONOID numbered "45" to guard the captives, then leaves with the other MONOIDS.) DOCTOR: (To the departing MONOID ONE.) Thank you, it's very kind of you! [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (STEVEN addresses the Guardians.) STEVEN: Well, I think we should...split up. Some of us should go back to Refusis to help the Doctor and Dodo whilst the rest stay here and try to deal with that bomb. DASSUK: Yes, that's a good idea. MAHARIS: (Shouts.) Is it? Why should any of us stay and risk being blown up? STEVEN: (Grabbing his arm.) Because the Earth's population trays, everything else that represents Earth life, all these things have to be taken to Refusis later. VENUSSA: Steven's right. That's why our forefathers started this voyage through space in the first place - seven hundred years ago. MAHARIS: But we're alive - why should any of us die for an idea that they thought of? VENUSSA: You've served too long with the Monoids, Maharis. You no longer belong to us. (To STEVEN.) Let him go with the landing party. STEVEN: Yes, all right. Dassuk, you take the launcher. (STEVEN pushes MAHARIS off.) STEVEN: Go with him, Maharis... (To two other Guardians.) ...and you too. Contact the Doctor as soon as you can. I'll stay here. DASSUK: All right. What about you, Venussa? VENUSSA: I'll stay too. DASSUK: Right. (DASSUK heads off.) STEVEN: You could have gone with them. VENUSSA: They don't need me. You don't know the Ark. You will need me to help you find the bomb. STEVEN: (Smiles.) Let's try behind that central scan. (VENUSSA smiles and follows him...away from the statue.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE. LAUNCHER LANDING SITE (MONOID FOUR'S group makes their way cautiously through the jungle. MONOID ONE, rises up out of hiding, holding a gun.) MONOID ONE: Stay where you are. (MONOID ONE'S group also rise out of various places of concealment.) MONOID FOUR: What is the meaning of this? We are going back to the Ark. MONOID ONE: That is now against my orders. MONOID FOUR: Your orders? You have given too many and delivered them unwisely. Now they mean nothing to us. (With his followers, he makes his way towards a launcher.) MONOID ONE: You have had my last warning. Do as I say. (The group carries on, a shot fires out and Six falls to the ground. FOUR spins round, fires and Seventy-seven is the next to fall. Other shots fire out and both groups retreat to the either side of the clearing, taking up positions behind rocks and trees. Nearby, another Launcher lands.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. LAUNCHER (MAHARIS operates the control to open the door.) DASSUK: Maharis? Where are you going? MAHARIS: Out. (DASSUK tries to hold him back.) DASSUK: Better make sure everything's all right first. (MAHARIS pushes his hand away and, first looking carefully through the doorway, leaves the Launcher.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE. LAUNCHER LANDING SITE (He treads forward carefully. Suddenly he sees ONE and THREE creeping forward to confront their opponents. MAHARIS runs forward with a smile on his face.) MAHARIS: Master! (ONE fires instantly and MAHARIS falls dead to the ground with a scream. FOUR sees this and sends his 'troops' forward.) MONOID FOUR: Over there. (A member of ONE'S side rises from hiding. FOUR fires and the MONOID falls to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. LAUNCHER (This is witnessed by the Guardians in the Launcher. DASSUK turns to the other two.) DASSUK: Come on, while the Monoids are fighting. (They all run out of the Launcher.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE. LAUNCHER LANDING SITE (They run through the trees...) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. REFUSIS II. CASTLE (They soon reach the castle where the DOCTOR and DODO are still guarded by Forty-five. DASSUK thinks quickly when he sees the MONOID.) DASSUK: Er, master, One needs your help down there. (DASSUK watches nervously while the MONOID falls for the ploy and leaves the castle. Once he is gone, DASSUK rushes over to the two captives.) DASSUK: Were you safe? DODO: 'Course we are! DOCTOR: What is more important - is the Ark still all right? DASSUK: So far, but they haven't found the bomb yet. DOCTOR: We have found the bomb. We must warn them immediately. Come along. DODO: But what about the Monoids? DASSUK: The way they were fighting, there won't be many of them left. DOCTOR: Splendid! Come along. (They run out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE. LAUNCHER LANDING SITE (A wounded MONOID struggles on the ground. Another shot fires and he cries out and dies. The ground nearby is littered with dead MONOIDS. FOUR is still alive but seems stunned by the massacre. The DOCTOR and his party comes through the trees and see FOUR but the MONOID simply throws his weapon to the ground. The DOCTOR takes advantage of this.) DOCTOR: To the Launcher! (They run into the Launcher.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. LAUNCHER DOCTOR: (To DASSUK.) Now, you fly us back to the Ark, meanwhile, I'll contact Steven. (They both reach for their respective controls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (The message quickly reaches the Ark and STEVEN and VENUSSA stare, perplexed, at the statue.) STEVEN: It's up there, in the head of that thing. VENUSSA: The statue? But how are we going to move it? It...it's so heavy. STEVEN: Well, you must have some lifting gear. We only need to get it into one of the launching bays. VENUSSA: We've nothing that can handle anything like that. (The REFUSIAN'S booming voice echoes across the control deck.) REFUSIAN: (OOV.) I think I can help you. Clear this main deck. (The Guardians, puzzled, do as he says.) VENUSSA: It's moving! STEVEN: Yes, well let's hope the movement doesn't set it off! (The huge statue rises slowly into the air, seemingly by itself.) STEVEN: He's moving it as if it meant nothing at all! VENUSSA: Now it's in the launching bay. We can do the rest. (STEVEN and VENUSSA rush over to the control desk.) REFUSIAN: (OOV.) It is ready for firing. (On one of the monitor's appears the image of the statue as it falls out of the launching bay door and then explodes in the safe emptiness of space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (LATER) (The DOCTOR, DODO and DASSUK have returned to the Ark and all gather on the control deck.) DODO: Do you think you'll be able to get everything down onto Refusis now? DASSUK: We'll manage... (He looks into the air.) ...especially if the Refusians help us. REFUSIAN: (OOV.) We'll do everything we can to assist you in settling on our planet. DASSUK: Thank you. REFUSIAN: (OOV.) But one thing you must do... VENUSSA: What's that? REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Make peace with the Monoids. (They all look to where a group of MONOID'S, led by FOUR, stand under guard.) DOCTOR: He's right. A long time ago, your ancestors accepted responsibility for the welfare of these Monoids. They were treated like slaves. So no wonder when they got the chance, they repaid you in kind. REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Unless you learn to live together, there is no future for you on Refusis. DASSUK: We understand. DOCTOR: Yes, you must travel with understanding as well as hope. You know, I once said that to one of your ancestors, a long time ago. (Laughs.) However, we must be going. Goodbye. (They all say "Goodbye" to each other and, in an echo of an event that took place several centuries earlier, the three travellers climb aboard a transporter and are waved away.) VENUSSA: (To DASSUK.) Do you think we'll ever see them again? DASSUK: (Sitting at the control desk.) Perhaps, but if we don't our children will, or our children's children. VENUSSA: If we were to tell them the story, do you think they'd believe us, or would they just dismiss it as a legend? DASSUK: (Thinks, then...) We'll make them believe it. (On a monitor, the TARDIS dematerialises...) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM STEVEN: We're landing now Doctor. DOCTOR: Good. That means the gravitational bearing must have rectified itself. (DODO enters from the living quarters.) DODO: Hey, look at this! (DODO models her trendy new outfit, a sleeveless mini dress. The upper portion is light-colored with a dark, misshaped circle in the center. The bottom portion is dark-colored with light, misshaped circles all around. On her head she wears a Dylan cap.) DODO: Ain't it fab? (STEVEN walks over to her and examines her clothes with approval.) STEVEN: Yes... hmm, very nice. (The DOCTOR sneezes and as he does so he slowly fades away unnoticed by STEVEN and DODO.) STEVEN: Bless you. DODO: Oh Doctor, don't say you're catching a cold now. (Now STEVEN and DODO turn toward the DOCTOR and discover that he's disappeared.) STEVEN: Doctor? Well, where are you? (The DOCTOR briefly fades in and out of sight but then completely disappears.) DOCTOR: (OOV.) What do you mean, dear boy? I'm still here, hmm? STEVEN: Huh? (STEVEN and DODO walk toward the spot where they last saw the DOCTOR standing.) DODO: Doctor, you've vanished! DOCTOR: (OOV.) What? Oh nonsense child! Nonsense! Hmm! DODO: (Looking at STEVEN.) You have! Do you think this is something to do with the Refusians? STEVEN: Why... it must be! DOCTOR: (OOV.) You're wrong! (The DOCTOR begins walking around the control room. DODO and STEVEN turn and follow his voice.) DOCTOR: (OOV.) This is something far more serious. We're in grave danger. This is some form of attack!

Plan: A: Steven Taylor; Q: Who is one of the Doctor's companions? A: a generation starshipwhich; Q: What is the Doctor's ship? A: Earth; Q: What planet is about to fall into the Sun? A: However, the cold; Q: What could prove devastating to the future humans? A: the Monoids; Q: Who are the servants of the future humans? Summary: The Doctor and his companions Steven Taylor and Dodo Chaplet arrive some ten million years into the future, on board a generation starshipwhich is carrying the last of humanity away from an Earth that is about to fall into the Sun. However, the cold that Dodo has could prove devastating to these future humans and their servants, the Monoids.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating some Chinese food.] Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in boxes! (They all run and join her at the window.) Rachel: I'd say from the looks of it; our naked buddy is moving. Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes. Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt. Chandler: And we're done with the chicken fried rice. Ross: Hey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place! All: Good idea! Yes! Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys! Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string! Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing. Opening Credits [Scene: Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are checking out the place. Luckily, Ugly Naked Guy is nowhere to be seen.] Ross: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great it is! Rachel: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man. Phoebe: It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm gonna beat you to it. Ross: (laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of steps to the door and Ross quickly hurries out.) Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. (Does so.) Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!! Rachel: What?! Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!! Rachel: Oh my God! Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!! Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!! Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!! Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!! Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW! Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!! Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!! Ross: (entering) What's going on? Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!! Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi! Ross: What?! What?! Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment! Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.) Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.) (Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there talking about Chandler and Monica.] Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping or-Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp! Rachel: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it. Phoebe: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She might be able to do better. Joey: (entering) Hey guys! Rachel: Joey! Come here! Come here! Joey: What? What? Rachel: Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler. Joey: You mean how they're friends and nothing more? (Glares at Rachel.) Rachel: No. Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. (Joey gasps) Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window. Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows? Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over! Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own. Rachel: Wh-what do you mean? Phoebe: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do. Rachel: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that! Joey: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them. Rachel: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing. Joey: I can't take any... Phoebe: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know! Joey: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! (To Rachel) I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know! Rachel: You don't have any secrets! Joey: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (Joey shies away.) Rachel: (To Phoebe) So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them? Joey: Ugh. Phoebe: Well, you could use your position y'know as the roommate. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality. Chandler: (entering) Hello children! All: Hey! Phoebe: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie. (She gets up and goes over to Chandler who's ordering some coffee from Gunther.) Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you! Chandler: Really? Phoebe: (feels his arm) Yeah the material feels so soft-hello Mr. Bicep! Have you been working out? Chandler: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay? Phoebe: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm-Oh! I can't tell you this. Chandler: Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything. Phoebe: Well actually you're the one person I can't tell this too. And the one person I want to the most. Chandler: What's going on? Phoebe: I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don't even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee-Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just something to think about. I know I will. (She makes a show of bending over to get her coat and showing off her bum. She then walks out, leaving no one to eat her cookie.) [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler and Monica are there, of course. Like who else would it be, duh!] Monica: You are so cute! How did you get to be so cute? Chandler: Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny. Monica: Okay, now you're even cuter!! Chandler: Y'know that is a popular opinion today I must say. Monica: What? Chandler: The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting on me. Monica: What are you talking about? Chandler: I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy. Monica: That's not possible! Chandler: Ow! Monica: I'm sorry it's just, Phoebe just always thought you were, you were charming in a, in a sexless kind of way. Chandler: Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough. Monica: I'm sorry, I think that you just misunderstood her. Chandler: No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying out loud! Monica: This bicep? Chandler: Well it's not flexed right now! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there. Monica is entering from her room.] Rachel: Hey Mon, what are you doing now? Wanna come see a movie with us? Monica: Uhh, y'know actually I was gonna do some laundry. Rachel: Oh. Monica: Hey Chandler, wanna do it with me? Chandler: Sure, I'll do it with ya. Monica: Okay. Rachel: Okay great, hold on a sec! (She runs to her room and returns carrying a huge bag of laundry.) Oh, here you go! You don't mind do ya? That would really help me out a lot! Thanks! Monica: I mean I-I don't I think I have enough quarters. Phoebe: I have quarters! (She holds up a bag of quarters.) Ross: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey Ross! Any word on the apartment yet? Ross: Well, I called over there and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself and he's already had like a hundred applicants. Rachel: Oh. Ross: No-no, I got the edge. I know it's not exactly ethical but I sent him a little bribe to tip the scales in my direction. Check it out, you can probably see it from the window. (They all head to the window.) Monica: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it? Ross: No. Chandler: That new mountain bike? Ross: No. Monica: Well what did you send? Ross: A basket of mini-muffins. Phoebe: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets. Which one did you send? Ross: The small one. Rachel: What?! You-you actually thought that basket was gonna get you the apartment? Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day. Chandler: Your work makes me sad. Ross: Oh man! I want that place so much!! I was so sure that was gonna work! There's twelve bucks I'll never see again! (Exits.) Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie. Monica: Bye! All: Bye! Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.) Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!! Monica: Actually, I did! Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me? Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us! Chandler: Are you serious? Monica: Phoebe knows and she's just trying to freak us out! That's the only explanation for it! Chandler: (a little hurt) Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps-She knows! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is snoozing with Hugsy, his bedtime penguin pal and Chandler and Monica come storming in.] Chandler: (entering) Joey! (Joey quickly tries to hide Hugsy by throwing it over his head.) Joey: Yeah? Chandler: Phoebe knows about us! Joey: Well I didn't tell them! Monica: Them?! Who's them? Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey. Monica: Joey! Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell! Chandler: Oh man! Joey: I'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right? Because you can tell them that you know they know and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing! Monica: Unless... Joey: No! Not unless! Look this must end now! Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So... Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is looking at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment through binoculars.] Ross: Noooo. Rachel: Oh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself! Phoebe: Yeah, why don't you just find another apartment? Ross: Look I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none of them even compares to that one! Rachel: Y'know what you should do? Ross: Huh? Rachel: You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. Yeah! Like if I would strike up a conversation about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear. Joey: I'm listening. Rachel: (To Ross) See? Ross: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline. Phoebe: He broke that. Ross: Well, he had gravity boots. Rachel: Yeah, he broke those too. Joey: So he likes to break stuff. Ross: Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben but I-I will figure something out. (He opens the door and stops.) Hey, didn't he used to have a cat? Phoebe: I wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out. Joey: Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming. Ross: Right. (Exits.) (The phone rings and Rachel answers it.) Rachel: Hello! (Listens) Oh yeah! Hey! Hold on a second she's right here! (To Phoebe) It's Chandler. Phoebe: (in a sexy voice) Oh? (Takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello you. Chandler: Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day. (He's holding the phone so that Monica can hear it as well.) Phoebe: Eh? Chandler: Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued. Phoebe: Really? Chandler: Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more. Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more! Rachel: Are you kidding?! Phoebe: No! Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon-Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know? Joey: No. Rachel: Joey! Joey: They know you know. Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two! Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything! Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross is knocks on the door and Ugly Naked Guy answers it. He's ugly. He's naked. And he's holding a huge jumbo soda.] Ross: Good evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller. I'm one of the people who applied for the apartment. And I-I realize that the competition is fierce but-I'm sorry. I, I can't help but notice you're naked and (He claps his hands.) I applaud you. Man, I wish I was naked. I mean, this-this looks so great. That is how God intended it. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica and Rachel and Phoebe are planning their respective strategies to break the other pairing. Joey is not amused. Monica: (in the kitchen with Chandler) Look at them, they're-they're panicked! Chandler: Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back down! Monica: Oh yeah! [Cut to Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: All right. All right! If he wants a date? He's gonna get a date. All right, I'm gonna go in. Rachel: All right. Be sexy. Phoebe: (laughs) Please. (She saunters over to Chandler with a mean pair of 'Come hither' eyes and she glares at Monica.) Phoebe: So Chandler, I-I'd love to come by tonight. Chandler: (initially worried, but gets over it) Really? Phoebe: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven? Chandler: Yes. Phoebe: Good. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse. (As she walks away, Chandler mouths a scream to Monica. How motions and mouths, "It's okay, it's okay.") Joey: (looking out the window) Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend! (They all run over to the window.) Rachel: Oh yeah! (She gasps.) Oh my God! That is our friend! (Monica covers her face.) It's Naked Ross! (Monica turns and buries her face in Chandler's shoulder.) All: Yeah, it is! Naked Ross!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Phoebe ready for her date.] Rachel: Show time! Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume! Rachel: Okay! (She runs to get some.) Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? (He begrudgingly does so.) (In the meantime, Rachel has returned with the perfume and sprays a mist out in front of Phoebe who walks through the mist and does a little spin.) [Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Monica is getting Chandler ready for his half of the plan.] Monica: All right, it'll be great! You just make her think you wanna have s*x with her! It'll totally freak her out! Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her? Monica: Relax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do! Chandler: How do you know?! Monica: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins! Chandler: At this?! Monica: Just go get some! (Kisses him.) Go! (She runs to hide in the bathroom.) [Cut to the hallway, Phoebe is outside getting some last minute instructions from Rachel.] Rachel: (handing her the wine) Okay honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from right here! Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Okay? Whoa, wait! (She undoes one button on Phoebe's dress.) Phoebe: Good idea! Rachel: Yeah, oh wait! (She goes for another one.) Phoebe: Oh now, don't give away the farm! (Phoebe knocks on the door with the wine and Chandler answers it. Rachel hides next to the door.) Chandler: Phoebe. Phoebe: Chandler. Chandler: Come on in. Phoebe: I was going too. (They go inside and he closes the door.) Umm, I brought some wine. Would you like some? Chandler: Sure. (She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork and pours the wine.) Phoebe: So, here we are. Nervous? Chandler: Me? No. You? Phoebe: No, I want this to happen. Chandler: So do I. (They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip turns into a gulp, which quickly progresses into their mutual draining of their glasses at once.) Chandler: I'm gonna put on some music. Phoebe: Maybe, maybe I'll dance for you. (She starts doing a rather suggestive and seductive dance that's silly at the same time.) Chandler: You look good. Phoebe: Thanks! Y'know, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off! Chandler: Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom? Phoebe: Really? Chandler: Oh, do you not want to? Phoebe: No. No! It's just y'know first, I wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me. Chandler: (swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion. [Cut to the bathroom, Chandler is entering.] Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her! Monica: She's bluffing! Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.) [Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.] Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion. Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair! Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open. Joey: Ooh! Rachel: Okay! Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.) Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons. Joey: It's not my first time. [Cut to the bathroom.] Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks! Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here? Monica: Of course. [Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.) Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going? Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra. Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the s*x. Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now. Chandler: Not if I kiss you first. (They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.) Phoebe: Ooh. Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss. Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss. (They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.) Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have s*x with ya! Phoebe: And why not?! Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!! Phoebe: You're-you're what?! (Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.) Chandler: Love her! That's right, I...LOVE...HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica. Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.) Phoebe: I just-I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love! Joey: Dude! Chandler: And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And might I say your breasts are still showing. Phoebe: God! (She turns and buttons up.) Joey: All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows! Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't. Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet. (Joey suddenly gets very angry.) Ending Credits [Scene: Ross's new apartment, he is showing his boss, Dr. Ledbetter his new place and new outlook on life.] Ross: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished. Dr. Ledbetter: I must say it's nice to see you back on your feet. Ross: Well I am that. And that whole rage thing is definitely behind me. Dr. Ledbetter: I wonder if its time for you to rejoin our team at the museum? Ross: Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to come back to work. I-What? (He notices something through the window.) No! Wh... What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plan: A: fierce competition; Q: What does Ross find when he applies for Ugly Naked Guy's apartment? A: Rachel; Q: Who suggests Ross strike up an acquaintance with Ugly Naked Guy? A: Phoebe; Q: Who sees Monica and Chandler having sex? A: the window; Q: What does Phoebe see Monica and Chandler through? A: Joey; Q: Who is relieved that everyone knows about Monica and Chandler? A: confessing; Q: What do Rachel and Phoebe want to force Monica and Chandler into doing? A: an extreme method; Q: What does Ross employ to win Ugly Naked Guy's apartment? A: his boss; Q: Who did Ross have an emotional outburst in front of? A: work; Q: Ross's boss just cleared him to return to what? Summary: Ross applies for Ugly Naked Guy's apartment when he moves out, only to find there is fierce competition. While viewing the apartment with Ross and Rachel, Phoebe happens to see Monica and Chandler through the window, having sex. Joey is relieved that everyone (except Ross) finally knows and he no longer has to pretend, but Rachel and Phoebe want to have some fun by forcing them into confessing. Rachel suggests Ross strike up an acquaintance with Ugly Naked Guy by finding similar interests to win his apartment, causing Ross to employ an extreme method. Chandler and Monica finally confess they love each other, but want to keep it secret from Ross a while longer . . . but Ross soon finds out, causing another emotional outburst in front of his boss who just cleared him to return to work.

1: EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE (An icy mountain range where the peaks are covered in snow: the TARDIS nestles on a small plateau. SUSAN and BARBARA, both wearing warm coats, come out of the TARDIS and walk towards where there is in a large indentation in the snow. SUSAN kneels next to it and BARBARA joins her to examine their find. It is unquestionably a footprint, but it is of enormous size. SUSAN looks perturbed...) SUSAN: It must have been made by a giant. (Behind them, snow has already started to collect on the ridges and panels of the TARDIS. There is a cold wind blowing.) [SCENE_BREAK] (IAN, still wearing his large Ulster coat, emerges from the TARDIS. The DOCTOR is with him, breathing with difficulty in the thin mountain air. As the DOCTOR rests, SUSAN points out the footprint to IAN.) SUSAN: What do you make of this? (IAN also kneels with them and examines the footprint.) IAN: Well, it could be a perfectly ordinary footprint, Susan, and the Sun's melted the edges and made it look a bit bigger. (SUSAN hadn't thought of that...) SUSAN: Oh... (IAN turns back to the DOCTOR who is looking somewhat uncomfortable.) IAN: You all right, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes...ah, a little bit out of breath. (Coughs.) Oh, that's quite understandable. After all, we're several thousand feet above sea level. SUSAN: Do you know where we are, then, Grandfather? DOCTOR: (Boastfully.) Well, I directed the ship towards Earth and it looks as though I've been successful! (SUSAN points at the footprint.) SUSAN: But what about that? DOCTOR: That? (Irritated.) Oh, I can't see anything without my glasses! Anyway, I don't like this place! You'll have to excuse me - I've got a lot of work to do first and then we must leave. (He bustles back into the TARDIS, closing the door behind him. IAN looks round at their surroundings with understandable delight at the DOCTOR'S summation of their landing place. Grinning, he places as arm round BARBARA'S shoulder.) IAN: Barbara, I wonder - do you think it could be the Earth? If it were, where do you think we could be - in the Alps? (They look over the cold stark ridges of the mountain range.) BARBARA: Or it could be the Andes? (Behind them, SUSAN has been listening to their guesses and now joins in...) SUSAN: Himalayas - the roof of the world! IAN: The roof of the world? I wonder? If only... (He gives a short laugh.) IAN: Well, the Doctor isn't very reliable, you know. Mustn't count on it. (As if to confirm his words, at that moment the DOCTOR emerges once more from the TARDIS, in a panic.) DOCTOR: Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear! We're always in trouble! Isn't it extraordinary - it follows us everywhere! IAN: What's the matter? DOCTOR: All the lights in the ship have gone out! The whole circuit has burnt itself to a cinder, and added to that it affected the water - we haven't got any! IAN: Well, the water's no bother, Doctor. I mean, we've got snow - plenty of it, but how about the heating? DOCTOR: Oh, the heating as well! Everything's gone to pot! BARBARA: (Appalled.) But that's serious - we could freeze to death! (The DOCTOR turns angrily to BARBARA.) DOCTOR: Serious! Are you telling...there's no need for you to tell me that, really! IAN: I think I'd better try and find some fuel. DOCTOR: (Angrily.) Fuel? Now where on earth do you expect to find fuel here, hmm? IAN: (Irritated.) Well, I must try, mustn't I? DOCTOR: Oh well, I wish you luck! (BARBARA glares at the DOCTOR'S continuing obstinacy.) BARBARA: I'll come with you, Ian. IAN: Thank you. SUSAN: Yes, me too! IAN: No, Susan, you stay here. DOCTOR: You stay with me, child. You might be able to help me. SUSAN: Okay. IAN: Oh, come on, Barbara, we haven't much time. (IAN and BARBARA set off into the snow.) DOCTOR: Now, Susan, go into the ship and fetch me the 2-L-O, will you? SUSAN: Yes. DOCTOR: You know what it is. (SUSAN goes back into the TARDIS as the DOCTOR mutters angrily to himself...) DOCTOR: Even if I do find the fault, I don't suppose I shall be able to repair it before it gets dark, and then we shall all freeze to death! (He mutters more in the cold...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. MOUNTAIN PASS (Further down the mountain, IAN and BARBARA are struggling along down into a rocky pass in the howling wind. BARBARA is exhausted as IAN forges ahead.) BARBARA: (Gasping.) Ian, wait a minute. I must rest! IAN: Come on, Barbara! We haven't found anything yet. We must find something! BARBARA: (Gasping.) All right then, you go on. I...I'll catch up with you. IAN: All right. (IAN moves on into the snow, leaving BARBARA to herself for a moment.) BARBARA: Oh...it's hopeless! (She closes her eyes. Opening them, she sees a dark figure, covered in fur, standing nearby and cries out.) BARBARA: Ian! (The figure darts away as IAN rushes back.) IAN: What is it? What's the matter? BARBARA: I...I...there was...there was an animal or something! Just standing there, staring at me! (She points in the direction she had seen the figure. IAN looks and sees nothing. His look coveys his thoughts.) BARBARA: You don't believe me, do you? (She wanders over to where she saw the figure.) BARBARA: Well, look at these footprints! (She draws his attention to the indentations in the snow. IAN closely examines them, then gets back up.) IAN: I'd better take you back to the ship. (They head back the way they came.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE (Outside the TARDIS, the DOCTOR and SUSAN are examining a broken piece of equipment from the ship. It is a small box with several wires coming out of it.) SUSAN: Can you mend it, Grandfather, or have you got to make a new one? DOCTOR: I'm afraid it's going to mean a new one, dear...and it's going to take me days! SUSAN: Oh dear. DOCTOR: Oh well...I don't know, really...I'm always in the... (IAN returns, leading a distressed BARBARA.) DOCTOR: Well, Chesterton? IAN: Just as you predicted, Doctor - nothing but snow and ice. (The DOCTOR sighs. BARBARA sees the unit in the DOCTOR'S hands.) BARBARA: Have you found the fault? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, but it's going to take such a long time - time we don't have! Now the only chance is to try and get down to a lower a...altitude and, er, er...you know...before it gets cold...and we... BARBARA: (Nervously.) Doctor...there are strange things on the mountain. I...I saw one of them. DOCTOR: (To IAN.) What's she talking about now? IAN: Well...I only saw a print. DOCTOR: Print? What sort of print - paws, hooves, what? IAN: (Hesitates.) To tell you the truth, I thought it was made by a fur boot. BARBARA: No, Ian, I...I'm sure it wasn't human! DOCTOR: And...if it were, that means there's shelter nearby! SUSAN: (Screams.) Look! (SUSAN sees the figure again just before it darts away.) BARBARA: There it is! IAN: Quick, after it! It's our only chance of shelter! (IAN and BARBARA rush off. The DOCTOR pauses to throw the unit into the TARDIS and pull the open door closed and lock it.) SUSAN: Come on, Grandfather! DOCTOR: Yes, all right. Yes, yes, yes, yes! (They rush after the other two.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. MOUNTAIN PASS (The four travellers quickly reach a rocky pass in the mountains that obscures the view in any direction.) IAN: Which way did it go? (They have very little time to ponder before they suddenly find themselves surrounded in front and behind by a group of armed and menacing warriors. They are all of Asiatic appearance with long dark hair and moustaches. They wear an assortment of furs, tunics and armour with fur-trimmed pointed helmets on their heads. They carry raised curved swords. SUSAN screams and huddles against the DOCTOR.) SUSAN: Grandfather! IAN: (Calmly.) Keep still. (IAN stands bravely in front of his companions. He addresses the group of silent sinister warriors.) IAN: We're travellers, lost on the mountains. Will you give us shelter? (A man who appears to be the leader of the group steps forward and examines the strangers. He touches BARBARA'S strange clothes which causes her to flinch and gasp. He then turns and addresses his soldiers slowly and deliberately...) TEGANA: Hear me, Mongols - in these parts live evil spirits, who take our likeness to deceive us and then lead us to our deaths. (He turns and faces the travellers again.) TEGANA: Let us therefore destroy these evil spirits before they destroy us! IAN: We're not evil spirits! We are people like yourselves! TEGANA: (Quietly.) Destroy them. (The warriors prepare to kill the four travellers and the women give a small cry, but...) MARCO POLO: (OOV.) Stop! (...they are interrupted by a European man, who suddenly arrives on the scene. He has dark hair, is clean-shaven and wears a long cloak with a fur-trimmed collar over his tunic and boots.) MARCO POLO: Put up your swords! (The Asiatic turns aghast to the European and glares at him.) TEGANA: Would you have us killed? (Angrily.) These are evil spirits! MARCO POLO: (Imperiously.) I command you in the name of Kublai Khan! (Reluctantly, the soldiers back off at the mention of this name and put their weapons away. The European looks at the DOCTOR who appears to be having problems breathing in the thin air and then turns to IAN.) MARCO POLO: The old man has the mountain sickness? IAN: Yes, he has. MARCO POLO: My caravan is further down the pass. Come. (He beckons to them to follow as he moves off, followed by the soldiers.) IAN: Come on, Doctor! (The DOCTOR gasps in the altitude. He leans on IAN and they set off. SUSAN looks quizzically at the European.) SUSAN: Who is he, Barbara? BARBARA: I was asking myself the same question. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. MAIN TENT (Within a large tent, drapes hang over bamboo canes to create partitions, and rugs give more comfort and warmth. In the centre of the main part of the tent is a small brazier with a cooking pot on it. It is tended to by a young, robed Asiatic girl. An elderly woman, also Chinese in appearance, stands nearby - the young girl's attendant and chaperone. The European leads the TARDIS crew into the tent through a draped doorway. The DOCTOR is still leaning on IAN'S arm. The elderly Chinese woman bows to the visitors as the European speaks to the young girl, as horses whinny outside.) MARCO POLO: We have guests, Ping-Cho. They are cold and hungry. PING-CHO: Yes, Messr. Marco. (The European pulls back a stool next to the fire as the young girl, PING-CHO, starts to ladle some soup into a bowl.) IAN: Sit down, Doctor. (The DOCTOR does so next to the fire and PING-CHO hands him some soup.) DOCTOR: Thank you, my dear. (The others also sit next to the fire as the DOCTOR starts to drink the soup. PING-CHO hands the others bowls of their own and they start to ladle soup for themselves as the Asiatic warrior sulks in the background. Taking note of the server and host, SUSAN comments to BARBARA...) SUSAN: He's not like her, or any of the others. BARBARA: No, he's a European, Susan, and he mentioned Kublai Khan... SUSAN: Kublai Khan? BARBARA: He was a great Mongol leader, who conquered all of Asia. He had a European in his service. He was a Venetian and his name... (Meanwhile, the European is talking to the DOCTOR about the soup.) MARCO POLO: I'm afraid the, er, the liquid is not too warm, but the cold here is so intense, it even robs a flame of its heat. DOCTOR: Oh, it's excellent nourishment, sir, mm. (He drinks some more.) IAN: (To the European.) The cold can't affect the heat of the flame, sir. The liquid boils at a lower temperature, because there's so little air up here. MARCO POLO: (Puzzled.) You mean...the air is responsible? IAN: Well, the lack of it...just as the lack of it is responsible for the Doctor's mountain sickness. BARBARA: (To the European.) Is your name Marco Polo? MARCO POLO: (Puzzled.) It is, my lady, and may I ask who you are? DOCTOR: Oh we're...we're travellers...yes. (He points to the rest of the TARDIS crew in turn.) DOCTOR: Th...that's my grandchild, Susan, and that's Miss Wright, and that's Charlton. (He laughs to himself. IAN pulls a rueful face at this continuing error and corrects the introduction.) IAN: Chesterton. Ian Chesterton MARCO POLO: My companions are the Lady Ping-Cho and Warlord Tegana. (MARCO points to the smiling Chinese girl and the scowling Mongol.) MARCO POLO: We travel to Shang-Tu. BARBARA: Shang-Tu? That's in China, isn't it? MARCO POLO: (Puzzled.) China? I do not know this place - Shang-Tu is in Cathay! (BARBARA realises her error...) BARBARA: Oh, silly of me! Yes, of course - Cathay MARCO POLO: Well, you must all be very tired. Ping-Cho, you will share your quarters with...? (He indicates SUSAN.) SUSAN: Susan. MARCO POLO: Susan. (SUSAN wanders off with the young Chinese girl.) MARCO POLO: I will sleep here with the others, and Lady...? (He looks at BARBARA.) BARBARA: Miss Wright. MARCO POLO: Miss Wright, you will have mine. BARBARA: Thank you. DOCTOR: Thank you. Thank you. You saved our lives! MARCO POLO: I'm...rather curious to know why you were wandering around the mountainside at night, but...questions can wait until the morning. DOCTOR: Oh, there...there...there...there were two, young man, that I would like to ask? MARCO POLO: Well, ask them. DOCTOR: Er...what, er, year is this and...and where are we, hmm? MARCO POLO: (Surprised.) You do not know? DOCTOR: No, that's why I'm asking you! (POLO looks at his strange new visitors in puzzlement.) MARCO POLO: How long have you been travelling? It is twelve hundred and eighty-nine and this is the Plain of Pamir, known to those who travel to Cathay as "The Roof of the World". IAN: The Roof of the World! DOCTOR: Twelve hundred and eighty-nine, ah! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. MAIN TENT (NIGHT) (Night has fallen on the encampment. The main tent stands in the snow with a covered wagon nearby.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. MAIN TENT. PING-CHO'S ROOM (NIGHT) (SUSAN lies awake in the quarters she shares with PING-CHO, restless. She lies beneath fur lined blankets in a room which is curtained off from the main tent by drapes which hang from bamboo poles. PING-CHO enters and sits on the bed.) PING-CHO: Are you asleep, Susan? SUSAN: No. PING-CHO: Where are you from? (Lying down, SUSAN turns and looks at her, hesitating to answer.) SUSAN: That's a very difficult question to answer, Ping-Cho. PING-CHO: (Puzzled.) You do not know where your home is? SUSAN: Well, I've had...many homes...in many places. What about you? PING-CHO: I come from Samarkand. My father is government official there. SUSAN: But I thought Mr. Polo said that... PING-CHO: (Laughs.) Messr. Marco! That's what we call him in Cathay, Susan. SUSAN: Well, I thought Mess...Messr. Marco said that you were going to Shang-Tu. Are you on holiday? PING-CHO: No, Kublai Khan's summer palace is in Shang-Tu. I am going there to be married. (SUSAN reacts with surprise.) SUSAN: What? Well how old are you? PING-CHO: I am in my sixteenth year. SUSAN: Well, so am I! PING-CHO: Do you marry at our age in your land? Here it is the custom. SUSAN: Is your fiancé handsome? PING-CHO: My what? SUSAN: Your...the man you're going to marry. PING-CHO: I have never seen him. SUSAN: (Shocked.) What!? PING-CHO: The marriage has been arranged by my family. I know only two things about him. SUSAN: Well, what are they? PING-CHO: He is very important man. SUSAN: Well, that's a good start. (PING-CHO suddenly sounds very serious.) PING-CHO: And he's seventy-five years old. (SUSAN gasps.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. MAIN TENT (NIGHT) (TEGANA is sitting near the fire, drinking the remains of the soup. MARCO POLO, divested of his cloak, is busying himself nearby. They have the main part of the tent to themselves.) TEGANA: You should have let me kill them. MARCO POLO: Why? Because their clothes are different from ours? Because their words are unfamiliar to our ears? No, Tegana, they are travellers. TEGANA: They are evil spirits, sorcerers, magicians! (POLO sits opposite TEGANA and pours himself some more soup.) TEGANA: Tomorrow, if we live until then, you may see that I speak the truth. MARCO POLO: I think the sun's rays will dispel the shadows from your mind, Tegana. TEGANA: Is that what you believe? Listen, their carriage they travel in has no wheels! It just...stands there like a warlord's tomb on one end. (Quietly.) And another thing...it is not large enough to carry four people. MARCO POLO: It must be. TEGANA: I say it is not - and yet, I saw all four walk from it! (POLO stares at him.) TEGANA: Upon my sword, I swear it to you! (MARCO POLO is puzzled at this as he stares at the fire...) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE (The next morning, IAN, BARBARA and SUSAN have put back on their warm coats and have travelled back up the mountain with MARCO POLO - also back in his fur-lined cloak - and a surly TEGANA. They all stand outside the abandoned TARDIS with several of the Mongol warriors. POLO looks over the strange shaped box.) MARCO POLO: So, this is your caravan? IAN: Yes, the Doctor calls it the TARDIS. MARCO POLO: Where are the wheels? IAN: It doesn't have any. MARCO POLO: Then how does it move? IAN: Through the air! TEGANA: (To MARCO POLO.) Did I not say that they were evil spirits? MARCO POLO: (To IAN.) Are you of the Buddhist faith? IAN: (Amused.) No, why? MARCO POLO: Well, at the Khan's court in Peking, I have seen Buddhist monks make cups of wine fly through the air unaided and offer themselves to the Great Khan's lips. I do not understand it, but I have seen it. (He turns to BARBARA and gestures towards the TARDIS.) MARCO POLO: There is room for all of you inside here, Miss Wright? BARBARA: Yes. (MARCO POLO walks up to the TARDIS and examines the doors.) MARCO POLO: And one enters here? (He tries to push the doors open.) BARBARA: It's locked. MARCO POLO: Where is the key? BARBARA: The Doctor has it, and you wouldn't let him come up here. MARCO POLO: Oh yes, he has the mountain sickness. (To IAN.) Have you the power to make it fly? IAN: No. Only the Doctor has that power. MARCO POLO: Why is it here? SUSAN: It's damaged! MARCO POLO: What? IAN: Erm, a...part of it is broken. MARCO POLO: But it could be moved by hand? IAN: Oh yes, if you had sufficient men. MARCO POLO: Well, we'll make a sledge and take it down the pass...then we shall see! [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. MAIN TENT (Meanwhile, in the main tent, PING-CHO is cooking again as the DOCTOR walks up to her.) DOCTOR: Ping-Cho. (He walks over to the cooking pot, sits down and stirs the contents with a ladle.) DOCTOR: This smells very, very good! What is it? PING-CHO: Bean-sprout soup, my lord. DOCTOR: Ah...mmm...allow me! (He takes a spoon and tastes the soup.) DOCTOR: Oh, it's delicious, delicious! PING-CHO: My lord is kind. (PING-CHO carries on cooking.) DOCTOR: Hmm, you know, it's rather surprising to find the daughter of a high government official working as a servant in Marco Polo's caravan. PING-CHO: I wish to serve, my lord, although, among Messr. Marco's retinue, there is a man who calls himself a cook. DOCTOR: His name wouldn't be Tegana, would it? (PING-CHO frowns at him.) PING-CHO: (Shocked.) Oh no, my lord! The Warlord Tegana is a special emissary from the camp of the great Mongol Lord Khan called Noghai, who has been at war with Kublai Khan. DOCTOR: Yeah - Mongol fighting Mongol, hmm! PING-CHO: The war is over, my lord. Noghai has sued for peace and Tegana travels to Kublai's court to discuss the armistice plans. DOCTOR: Yes, oh well, yes. Well, for an emissary of peace, I must say he has rather bloodthirsty habits, hasn't he? (He laughs but PING-CHO is prevented from answering by the arrival of MARCO POLO with IAN, BARBARA and SUSAN. The DOCTOR'S three companions sit with him round the fire as MARCO takes his cloak off.) MARCO POLO: I find your caravan most unusual, Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, er, Messr. Marco, it is different! MARCO POLO: And in need of repair? DOCTOR: That is true, hmm. SUSAN: Messr. Marco has ordered a sledge to be made. He's going to bring the TARDIS down here. DOCTOR: Oh indeed? That's charming of you, very charming of you! It won't take me very long to repair, a day or two. But I assure you that I shall not hold up your journey any longer than is necessary. MARCO POLO: I'm afraid we can't stay here. One crosses the Plain of Pamir as quickly as possible. However, we will be spending a few days at Lop. BARBARA: Lop? Where's that? MARCO POLO: It's a town on the edge of the Gobi Desert, beyond Kashgar and Yarkand. DOCTOR: I see, and you will be taking us along with you, including the TARDIS? MARCO POLO: Doctor, I once transported an entire army and its equipment from er, Cathay to India, all without loss. DOCTOR: Oh good, good! Then I can work as we proceed. (The DOCTOR laughs.) MARCO POLO: Erm, no. DOCTOR: (Snaps.) Why not, hmm? MARCO POLO: (Sighs.) The Mongol bearers still half believe that you are evil spirits. They also believe that outside your caravan, you are harmless. However, should any of you attempt to enter, there would be trouble. DOCTOR: (Warily.) Hmm, I see. (He paces, thinking quickly.) DOCTOR: You saved our lives, Messr. Marco, and the least we can do is to respect your wishes. No one will enter the TARDIS until we reach Lop. MARCO POLO: Good. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: MARCO POLO'S JOURNAL (A map of shows that the "PAMIRS" is just outside the borders of ancient Cathay. Just within the western border is "KASHGAR" and to the south-east is "YARKAND". ) MARCO POLO: (OOV.) Success...my plan has worked! (MARCO POLO writes the journal of his travels using a feather quill and ornate script in a large ledger.) MARCO POLO: (OOV.) The strangers and their unusual caravan accompany me to Lop. (The TARDIS is strapped by ropes upright on a horse-drawn wagon with wheels decorated with images of Chinese dragons. It is accompanied by Mongol warriors as they pass a range of mountains on the fringes of the Khan's empire.) MARCO POLO: (OOV.) Our route takes us across the roof of the world, down to the Kashgar Valley and southeast to Yarkand. Here, we join the Old Silk Road, along which the commerce and culture of a thousand years has travelled to and from Cathay. I wonder...what the stranger's reaction will be...when I tell them what I propose to do? [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. WAY STATION AT LOP. COURTYARD (MARCO POLO'S caravan has arrived at the way station in the busy town of Lop where IAN and BARBARA stroll in the high-walled courtyard. Although they both still wear their twentieth-century clothes, they also have wide-brimmed straw hats on their heads to protect them from the sun. They look at the various medieval Chinese around them as they go about their business. TEGANA is also nearby but alone and aloof from the two teachers. A decorated terrace leads into the station. TEGANA steps onto this...) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. WAY STATION AT LOP (...and into the station which is plain but comfortable with decorative wall trellises. POLO speaks with Yeng, the proprietor.) MARCO POLO: My caravan is large, Yeng, so I shall need plenty of food and water before venturing out into the Gobi Desert. (Yeng bows and goes off to make the necessary preparations for the caravan's stay. The DOCTOR rests in a chair, straw fan in his hand, while TENAGA sits brooding nearby. Laughing and chattering, SUSAN and PING-CHO come down some stairs from an upper storey.) SUSAN: [SCENE_BREAK] very nice. PING-CHO: Oh, I'm glad you like it. SUSAN: [SCENE_BREAK] sweet. (POLO greets them.) MARCO POLO: Is the accommodation to your liking, Ping-Cho? PING-CHO: Thank you, Messr. Marco. It is most comfortable. SUSAN: Oh, I think it's fab! PING-CHO: (Puzzled.) Fab? What is that, Susan? SUSAN: Well, it's, erm...it means wonderful! It's a verb we often use on Earth. (Sensing that SUSAN is not thinking about what she says, the DOCTOR walks up and hastily changes the subject.) DOCTOR: Oh, Messr. Marco, these way stations - do you have many of these in Cathay? MARCO POLO: Yes, the Khan has them...dotted at regular intervals throughout his domain. Those who work in his service... (He holds up an oblong of gold imprinted with Chinese letters which hangs on a chain round his neck.) MARCO POLO: ...and wear the Khan's gold seal have the right to demand anything they may require: provisions, horses, shelter. (The DOCTOR holds the seal and looks over it.) DOCTOR: Hmm. (SUSAN is impressed and wants to look closer.) SUSAN: May I have a look, please? MARCO POLO: Of course. SUSAN: Thank you. (IAN walks in from the terrace which looks over the courtyard outside.) IAN: Doctor! DOCTOR: Yes? IAN: They've set the TARDIS up in the courtyard. DOCTOR: Oh, excellent, excellent! (To POLO.) Er, well, if you'll pardon me, I have a lot of work to do and... (The DOCTOR tries to walk onto the terrace...) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. WAY STATION AT LOP. COURTYARD (...but he is stopped in his tracks by several of the Mongol soldiers who draw their swords to prevent him from going any further. He turns to confront MARCO POLO in irritation at this turn of events.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. WAY STATION AT LOP (He calls over from the doorway...) DOCTOR: (Angrily.) What does this mean? MARCO POLO: (Calmly.) Please sit down, Doctor. DOCTOR: (Angrily.) I don't wish to sit down. I want you to call your guards off! MARCO POLO: Please, be seated. DOCTOR: No! MARCO POLO: I beg you to hear me out! DOCTOR: But I have work to do! (BARBARA tries to calm the DOCTOR down.) BARBARA: I think, perhaps, we should listen to him - come on. DOCTOR: Oh! (She leads him to a chair.) DOCTOR: Very well! (He sits down with a bad-tempered sigh and a scowl at POLO as he takes up his explanation.) MARCO POLO: My home is Venice. I left there with my father and my uncle to come to Cathay in 1271. The journey to Peking took us three and a half years. When I arrived at the Khan's court, I was twenty-one. I was an alert young man, good at languages, and willing to learn. The Khan liked me. DOCTOR: (Feigning boredom.) Oh, really? MARCO POLO: On my twenty-fifth birthday, I was given an appointment in the Khan's service. BARBARA: 1277? MARCO POLO: It was, as you say, 1277. Since then, I have travelled to every corner of his domain and beyond it. Two years ago, my father, my uncle and I asked the Khan for permission to go home. He refused. I think we had all served him too well. DOCTOR: Well, I really don't see what this has to do with my repairing the TARDIS! MARCO POLO: Doctor, I have not seen my home for eighteen years. I want to go back! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Well, ask the Khan again! MARCO POLO: (Angrily.) I intend to! (Quieter.) But this time, I shall offer him a gift so magnificent...that he will not be able to refuse me. (IAN suddenly sees what MARCO POLO'S intentions are.) IAN: (Shocked.) You mean to give the Doctor's caravan to him? MARCO POLO: Yes. (There is a very long pause. The DOCTOR stands up.) DOCTOR: You're mad! MARCO POLO: You can make another. DOCTOR: (Exasperated.) What! In Peking, or Shang-Tu? MARCO POLO: (Snaps.) You do me an injustice, Doctor! I will not leave you stranded in Cathay, just as I did not let you die on the mountain. No, you will come with me to Venice and make another one there. DOCTOR: Oh, you think so, really? Oh no! Oh no! (He storms about the room in helpless anger as IAN tries to reason with POLO.) IAN: Marco, it's impossible! MARCO POLO: Surely, for a man who possesses a flying caravan, all things are possible? IAN: No! We need special metals, materials, things that don't exist in Venice. I'm afraid you don't understand all the problems involved. (The DOCTOR returns, snapping at IAN.) DOCTOR: And neither do you, young man! MARCO POLO: Well, travel home by ship! We trade with every port in the world. It may take you longer, but you'll get there eventually! DOCTOR: Eventually? He doesn't know what he's talking about. The man's a lunatic! Ho! MARCO POLO: No, Doctor... DOCTOR: Ho! MARCO POLO: ...desperate. There are many men who are jealous of the Polo influence at court, and the Khan suffers from an affliction for which there is no cure. BARBARA: Well, what's that? MARCO POLO: Old age. If he dies...I may never see Venice again. DOCTOR: (Angrily.) Well, that is your problem, not mine! MARCO POLO: (Angrily.) I have just made it yours, Doctor! BARBARA: But you do see Venice again, Marco, I know you do! (POLO looks at her strangely.) IAN: What makes you so sure that the Doctor's caravan is a suitable present? The Doctor is the only one who can fly it. MARCO POLO: I told you about the Buddhist monks. They will discover its secret. (The DOCTOR begins to laugh in a scoffing fashion.) MARCO POLO: (In wonder.) A caravan that flies! Do you imagine what this will mean to the Khan? It will make him the most powerful ruler the world has ever known! (TEGANA listens thoughtfully to this assertion...) DOCTOR: Hmm! MARCO POLO: Stronger than Hannibal, mightier than Alexander the Great! IAN: Marco, you don't understand! (MARCO POLO has had enough of the debate, and defiantly ends it.) MARCO POLO: (Shouts.) I refuse to listen to any more. My mind is made up! Your caravan goes with me to Kublai Khan! (He storms out of the room. The DOCTOR starts to laugh continuously, while BARBARA tries to calm him down.) BARBARA: Doctor, come on. Come and sit down. (She leads him to chair.) DOCTOR: (Between laughs.) Quite a mess, isn't it?! (SUSAN kneels at his feet.) SUSAN: Grandfather! (He continues to laugh and splutter.) SUSAN: Grandfather! DOCTOR: (Still laughing.) Yes. Go by sea, he says! SUSAN: Why are you laughing? (The DOCTOR'S laughs get louder.) SUSAN: He means it! BARBARA: Doctor, he's serious. DOCTOR: I know he is! Yes! (He continues laughing uncontrollably.) SUSAN: But what are you going to do? DOCTOR: (In hysterics.) I haven't the faintest idea! (He laughs on and on...) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. STREET IN LOP (In a dark and lonely alleyway in Lop, TEGANA has met up with a mysterious Tarter MAN in peasant clothing and wearing a headband. He hands the warlord a small dark phial of liquid.) MAN AT LOP: Be careful, my lord. One drop will poison an army! (TEGANA takes the phial and stares at it.) TEGANA: I will use it well...on all but the first of Marco Polo's water gourds, for tomorrow, the caravan sets out to cross the Gobi Desert. Now, you will follow us...and on the third night, I will walk back to you...then we're gonna ride back here to Lop, wait for two days...and then...return to the caravan...to collect the...thing of magic...that will bring the mighty Kublai Khan to his knees!

Plan: A: Central Asia; Q: Where did the Doctor and his companions arrive in 1289? A: the famous Venetian explorer Marco Polo; Q: Who's caravan did the Doctor join? A: the Pamir Plateau; Q: What is the name of the plateau the caravan crossed? A: the treacherous Gobi Desert; Q: What desert did the caravan cross? A: imperial Cathay; Q: What is the name of the country the Doctor and his companions travel through? A: a variety; Q: What kind of dangers did the Doctor and his companions survive? A: an extraordinary friendship; Q: What kind of friendship does the Doctor strike up with Kublai Khan? A: Imperial Palace; Q: What is the name of the palace in Peking? A: the travellers; Q: Who saves the Khan from an assassination attempt? A: an assassination attempt; Q: What do the travelers save the Khan from? A: a peace mission; Q: What was Tegana supposedly on? A: TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's time machine? Summary: Missing episode Arriving in Central Asia in 1289, the Doctor and his companions join the caravan of the famous Venetian explorer Marco Polo as it makes its way from the snowy heights of the Pamir Plateau, across the treacherous Gobi Desert and through the heart of imperial Cathay. Having witnessed many incredible sights and survived a variety of dangers, they arrive at the mighty Kublai Khan's Summer Palace in Shang-tu, where the Doctor strikes up an extraordinary friendship with the now-aged ruler. They move on at last to the even more sumptuous Imperial Palace in Peking, where the travellers save the Khan from an assassination attempt by the Mongol warlord Tegana - supposedly on a peace mission - before departing once more in the TARDIS.

[Inside the Gym] (Haley is about to shoot a free throw and everyone is cheering her on) CROWD: (cheering) Tutor Girl, Tutor Girl Don't Screw Up! MOUTH: Okay folks, this is it. Haley James steps to the line with a flawless 4.0 GPA hanging in the balance. She's going to need this free throw to pass Phys-Ed. Otherwise, her perfect grade point average is history. NATHAN: Come on, Hales. You can do it. WHITEY: Don't miss it, tutor girl. (she shoots and it lands a few feet in front of her) [Haley's room] (She wakes up suddenly from her dream and looks confused) [School Hall] (Peyton is walking downstairs and Lucas catches up) LUCAS: Peyton. So, how's everything with your dad? PEYTON: It's fine, thanks. LUCAS: Yeah. And how about with us? PEYTON: Moment of weakness, right? I've been feeling guilty about it all weekend LUCAS: Me too PEYTON: Listen, lets just bury it and pretend it didn't happen, okay? LUCAS: Sure BROOKE: Hi friend! Girl. Boy. What's the latest scandal? You two never have any good gossip. Are we still redoing your bedroom tonight? PEYTON: Yes BROOKE: Terrific. (To Lucas) You up for some heavy lifting? LUCAS: Well I... BROOKE: ...Would love to help? LUCAS: Yeah BROOKE: You me and broody in your bedroom all night. The web cam pervs are gonna love it. [Therapist Office] (Dan and Deb sitting on opposite sides of the couch) DEB: Dan has a son from a previous relationship. Lucas. DAN: She's know about this kid for years and all of a sudden it's grounds for separation? DEB: He joined Nathan's basketball team. That's when things got worse. THERAPIST: Dan as I recall you chose not to be a part of Lucas' life. DAN: (Walking to her wall of degrees to change the subject) Richmond University. Wow. Not exactly the end all and be all to psychology degrees. Am I right, doc? THERAPIST: We were talking about Lucas. DAN: Hey doc did you ever read that article about the mountain climber who had his arm wedged beneath a boulder? His arm was caught beneath a thousand pound rock. So he cut it off just below the elbow using nothing but a pocket knife. Of course he had to break the bone first. Some people find that hard to believe. But it's simple really. He found himself faced with a difficult situation, he did what he had to do to survive. I made a choice. To cut away the part of me that he me trapped. You can question my judgment if you want to. The fact of the matter is, you can never really understand it, until it's you that's caught beneath the weight. DEB: And was I a weight too? Because I got pregnant shortly after Karen. How do you explain being with me and not her? DAN: Because with you I saw a future. [Basketball locker room] (Lucas looks at himself in front of his locker and takes off Brooke's necklace) [Hall] (Peyton walks by with a friend. Lucas comes out of the locker room and stops her) LUCAS: Hey, Peyton. PEYTON: Oh, hey Brooke had to take off early so she said for you to call her. LUCAS: Okay. You got a sec? PEYTON: Uh, yeah. What's up? LUCAS: I lied. Okay I can't bury what happened between us. PEYTON: Lucas, Brooke is my best friend. And she's your girlfriend. LUCAS: I know. But... PEYTON: But nothing. Okay? That's where we're at right now. It's not fair to her to make a big deal out of what happened. It didn't mean anything. I'm sorry. (turns to leave) LUCAS: Peyton. (Pulls her back and kisses her. Then she kisses him back) See? It does mean something. PEYTON: It can't LUCAS: But it does. PEYTON: Lucas, you're dating Brooke. LUCAS: I know. And she's great. Okay? But, she's not you. Look ever since you came to my room and you told me how you felt about me I've been hiding with Brooke. Okay? I've been trying not to get hurt again. I don't want to hide anymore. PEYTON: Even if we could be together, what makes you think it would work? LUCAS: Cause I feel it in my heart. Don't you? PEYTON: Yes. So what are we going to do? [Lucas' room] (He's typing on his computer when Haley comes in) HALEY: What's up, loser? LUCAS: Hey, you. I'm just finishing up this email to my mom cause she comes back tomorrow. HALEY: Oh cool. Tell her I said 'Hi'. You're going to call me when she gets back from the airport, right? LUCAS: Oh yeah HALEY: Cool. So, I need to borrow a couple of things from you, like your basketball and you. LUCAS: Okay, why? HALEY: Because I'm totally flagging PE and I need you to show me how to throw a stinking free shot. LUCAS: (laughs) Free throw. HALEY: Whatever LUCAS: You know I'd love to, Hales, but I've got to do some stuff with Brooke and Peyton tonight. HALEY: Like what? LUCAS: I kind of need to talk to you about something. HALEY: What's going on? (Brooke walks in) BROOKE: Hey, tutor girl. HALEY: Tigger, what's up? LUCAS: (to Haley) Never mind. Rain check? HALEY: (leaving) You kids have fun. BROOKE: You ready to go? LUCAS: Yeah, sure. BROOKE: Then lets go, boyfriend. [Whitey's office] KEITH: What's the good word, coach? WHITEY: There is no good word. What brings you around here? KEITH: Oh, a little victory celebration. WHITEY: What's the occasion? KEITH: I thought you might want to toast your 500th win. WHITEY: 499. I haven't made it yet. (Pulls out two mugs for Keith to pour drinks into) KEITH: Yeah well I'm beating the rush. WHITEY: well I guess this could serve as a dual toast. KEITH: Why's that? WHITEY: I'm thinking of stepping down. That come as a big surprise to you, Keith? KEITH: Well yeah. Yeah it does. WHITEY: A fellow can't coach forever. KEITH: Well he can't quit while he still loves the game. WHITEY: Who says I love it? KEITH: You do. Every time you step out onto that court. This game is what keeps you young. Without it you'd, I don't know you'd be off somewhere babbling, wearing a dress. WHITNEY: You haven't seen me at home. I promised myself I'd coach for 20 years, then Camilla and I would start living. 35 years later, here I am. [Basketball courts-outside] (Haley is trying to shoot but misses) NATHAN: (catching the ball) Was that your jump shot? Cause if that was your jump shot, I can't date you anymore. (Haley laughs) My mom said you'd be here. Something about a grade? HALEY: Yeah. You cannot be here right now. NATHAN: Why not? HALEY: Because I look stupid. NATHAN: You realize I've seen you in that crocheted poncho thing you wear, right? (hands her the ball) HALEY: Come on this is embarrassing! I want you to think I'm...not embarrassing. NATHAN: You don't embarrass me, Haley. HALEY: Oh yeah? Okay. (Shoots the ball and it goes right at Nathan) NATHAN: Okay, I take that back. HALEY: I can't do it. NATHAN: Yes you can. Alright, square your shoulders, to the basket. And you've got to bring the ball up right past your nose like this. Okay? Bend your knees a little. Relax your hips. And just shoot. (She shoots and hits the rim) Okay, that wasn't perfect but it also wasn't embarrassing. It was actually kind of sexy. [Karen's café] DEB: (to a customer) Come again CUSTOMER: Thanks. KEITH: I got to hand it to you, Deb. You've done one hell of a job here. DEB: Thanks, Keith. KEITH: So I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I'm just really excited about Karen coming back. DEB: Yeah, so am I KEITH: If you don't mind me asking, how are things with you and Dan? DEB: Oh I don't know. We're going to therapy but I'm not sure we can find our way back. KEITH: To where? DEB: The people we used to be. We used to laugh more. We were kind to each other. We were in love. KEITH: What about now? DEB: I honestly don't know. [Beach] (Dan is walking and a woman is chasing her hat behind him) WOMAN: A little help! (Dan picks her hat up) Oh thanks. DAN: My pleasure. WOMAN: I'm Carrie DAN: Dan. CARRIE: Dan. I was wondering what the name of the attractive man who jogs past my bungalow every morning was. DAN: Yeah? What was it? So what are you doing on my beach, Carrie? CARRIE: I heard it's a great place to pick up guys. DAN: Only the light ones. Well, it was a pleasure meeting you. Even with the ugly hat. CARRIE: Um, Dan. The yellow cottage is mine. Come by and see me sometime. (Dan smiles and leaves) [Peyton's house] (Peyton answers the door) BROOKE: Hey girly, lets do some damage. (She walks inside leaving Peyton and Lucas alone) PEYTON: We're going to hell. LUCAS: Peyton PEYTON: No honestly we are horrible, rotten people. BROOKE: (Off Screen) Come on you two, lets go! PEYTON: Lucas, I don't want to hurt her. LUCAS: Neither do I. Okay? But we've got to tell her. Tonight. BROOKE: (Off Screen) Lets go! (They look at each other then go inside) [Peyton's room] (They are taking everything out to paint) BROOKE: Okay, broody show us what you've got. (Lucas lifts a mattress out of the room and Brooke closes the door behind him) Want to hear a secret? I know you do. PEYTON: Brooke... BROOKE: I'm falling for him. Big time. Speechless right? I know, it's crazy but this is like L-O-V-E mad crushed out, I'm in big trouble. PEYTON: That's... BROOKE: What is this? On the stereo. PEYTON: It's Tegan and Sara. BROOKE: I know that. But what song? PEYTON: Don't confess. (Lucas comes back in) Um, you know what? I totally flaked. I forgot paint brushes. BROOKE: Well we could finger paint. PEYTON: No, really. Maybe we should just do this another time. I'm kind of not feeling well right now. Really, you guys should go. Okay? Cause I'm going to launch any second now. BROOKE: Well how about we do it tomorrow night, after Lucas' mom gets back. PEYTON: Fine, tomorrow night. BROOKE: Okay. (To Lucas) Come on, I'll let you buy me hot chocolate. And P. Sawyer, please don't hurl too much. Because if you get any thinner, I'm gonna start looking fat. (She runs out) PEYTON: I cant do this to her. (Lucas looks disappointed and leaves) [On the street] (Brooke and Lucas are walking with their hot chocolate) BROOKE: Have I told you lately how much I like you? LUCAS: Why? BROOKE: Why do I tell you? LUCAS: No, Why do you like me? BROOKE: Hmm, pitty mostly. How come you're so quiet tonight? LUCAS: I'm just anxious about my mom coming back tomorrow. BROOKE: Yeah me too. LUCAS: Why are you? BROOKE: Cause I want her to like me. Plus she sounds really cool, and I'm not that close with my mom so I just think it'd be great if I hit it off with yours. You can't control love, you know? Your mom and Keith. You're worried about their relationship right? LUCAS: Right BROOKE: They'll be okay. People that are meant to be together always find their way in the end. [SCENE_BREAK] [Karen's Café] (Haley is sitting at the counter writing something then crumples the paper and tries to throw it in the trash but misses. Peyton comes up to her) PEYTON: Hey HALEY: Hey PEYTON: I was hoping you'd be here. HALEY: What's up? PEYTON: Um, I actually need some advice, and I didn't have anybody to talk to. HALEY: Brooke's not around? Sorry. Where's the rest of your minions? PEYTON: What Minions? HALEY: You're like the queen of the hive. PEYTON: I guess I have a lot of friends, but I don't really have any I can talk to. HALEY: Okay, um, lets just go over...(they walk over to a couch) So what's on your mind? PEYTON: Um, you know when you first realized that you liked Nathan, and you knew that Lucas would flip out? How'd you deal with that? HALEY: Why? what's going on? PEYTON: It's just friend of a friend stuff HALEY: Okay, um, I sort of asked myself, repeatedly, if this thing with Nathan is really worth losing my best friend over. PEYTON: Yeah HALEY: Look, if Lucas is really my best friend, then he should just be happy for me. It's not like he was dating Nathan. Are you sure you're okay? PEYTON: I'm good. Thanks Haley HALEY: Sure [Whitey's office] (Whitey's reading a list he made) WHITEY: Coach for 20 years, Win 500 games, Make a difference. (Nathan knocks on his door) Yeah. NATHAN: You wanted to see me? WHITEY: That was an interesting meal the other night, wasn't it? NATHAN: Yeah WHITEY: Tell me something, Nathan. Have I made a difference to you? NATHAN: What do you mean? WHITEY: I mean being on this team, me rattling on all the time, have you learned anything? NATHAN: I move my feet better on defense. WHITEY: (disappointed) Well that's something I guess. There's a couple of new plays in that folder that you missed out on. (Nathan grabs the folder with Whitey's list inside) NATHAN: Coach, I just wanted to say thanks. For letting me back on the team. (Whitey nods) [Nathan's house-outside] (Haley is still trying to learn how to shoot) HALEY: Today's the day, I still suck. NATHAN: Come on, it's alright. Just keep your elbows in. (Throws her the ball and she misses again. Dan comes out behind them) DAN: What's this? NATHAN: Hey, dad. I'm just giving Haley a few pointers. DAN: I'll bet. Haley HALEY: Mr. Scott. DAN: So Nathan I thought we'd grill up some steaks at the beach house for dinner. Just the two of us. NATHAN: That sounds great, Dad. But, um, Haley and I have plans tonight. DAN: Okay NATHAN: Some other time, huh? DAN: Sure. I heard you were back on the team. I think that's a good move. NATHAN: Yeah. DAN: How's my house? (He goes back inside) HALEY: I'm sorry. You should go with your dad tonight, if you want. NATHAN: I don't want to go with my dad. I want to be with you. Now knock down this shot like I know you can. (She shoots and misses and starts getting frustrated) It's okay. This calls for drastic measures. You're going to be fine. Try it granny style. [Lucas' House] (Keith puts flowers on the table) [Graveyard] (Whitey is putting flowers on Camilla's grave, takes off his hat and stands there for a while) [School Hall] (Nathan looks through the plays in the folder at his locker and comes across Whitey's list) [Gym] (Haley dribbles up to the free throw line, shoots granny style and makes it, then turns around pleased with herself) [School Hall] (Nathan is walking, Haley comes around the corner and meets up with him) HALEY: Hey. I so owe you. NATHAN: Good, cause I need a favor. [Beach House] (Dan is grilling a steak. Keith comes up to him) KEITH: Hey. I, um, just came by to check on you. You know considering the throw down with mom and dad and everything DAN: Oh, so now you're concerned about me. After bringing Whitey to my house last week to antagonize me. KEITH: I didn't think it would hurt. DAN: No, Keith, you knew it would. That's why you did it. KEITH: Okay whatever, Danny, look I just came by to see how you were doing. My mistake. DAN: Yet another one by you. KEITH: You know it's no wonder you're all alone out here. DAN: You're right, Keith, I am alone. Now. But you're alone period. You want to know why? Because you're malicious. KEITH: I'm malicious? DAN: You bring Whitey to my house, you put Lucas on the basketball team, So its no wonder I'm out here by myself. It's almost as if you planed it that way. KEITH: Easy on the conspiracy theories, Danny. Maybe you want to take a look in the mirror. (Turns to leave) DAN: Oh so where are you running off to now? KEITH: The airport DAN: Right, still living that lie huh? Unless of course you and Karen are a couple. KEITH: As a matter of fact, after tonight, we will be. DAN: Wow. High School fantasies really do come true. Well you always had a thing for her. Even when I was with her. But you should ask yourself one question Keith. If you weren't good enough for her then, what makes you think you'll be good enough for her now? (Keith leaves) [Karen's Café] (Deb is serving coffee, Keith comes inside) DEB: Hey KEITH: Hey DEB: 3 hours till Karen. KEITH: Yep. So ask me what mistake I just made. DEB: What mistake did you just make? KEITH: I, uh, just went to see Dan. DEB: Why? KEITH: I don't know. Brotherly Love. I thought maybe he could use someone to talk to, but he's in a really dark place right now. DEB: I'm sorry, he doesn't do well alone. KEITH: Well sure. No one to tear down when he's alone. Except himself. DEB: You hungry? KEITH: Oh no. But I could use a beer. DEB: 3 hours to Karen? KEITH: I know. That's why I could use a breezer. I never told you this but, um, before she left, she kissed me in the airport. And it wasn't just one of those, you know, see you later kind of kisses. DEB: Keith, that's great. KEITH: Yeah it is. It's funny, I feel like I'm about to start the life that I always wanted. (Deb opens his beer and gives it to him) It's 3 hours away. I'm scared as hell. DEB: Well it couldn't happen to two better people. KEITH: Thanks DEB: You're going to be fine. [Beach House] (Dan is grilling steaks. Carrie come up the pier) CARRIE: Dan. Dan. You disappoint me. DAN: How's that, Carrie? CARRIE: You don't call, You don't write. And when I come over to invite you to dinner, you start without me. DAN: Actually you're right on time. Would you care to join me? CARRIE: I'd like that [Library] (Haley and Nathan are on the computers looking up something) HALEY: Hey, did you know that Whitey's real name is Brian? NATHAN: Brian Durham? HALEY: Yeah! NATHAN: Who knew? HALEY: Come here, this is great. This site's got his whole record before Tree Hill. NATHAN: That's perfect. HALEY: I'm gonna go get something to drink, do you want anything? NATHAN: No I'm fine thanks. [Another part of the library] (Lucas and Peyton are between the bookshelves talking privately) PEYTON: This is so wrong. Sneaking around behind Brooke. LUCAS: Do you think that's part of it? PEYTON: Part of what? LUCAS: Us. You know, that this is wrong. Somehow it makes it feel deeper. PEYTON: Lucas, Brooke and I have been best friends since elementary school. We've always put our friendship before guys. Do you really think I'd risk losing my best friend over a fling? Cause I wouldn't do that. LUCAS: Okay. Look I don't want to hurt Brooke. And I don't want to come between the two of you. But, I have to be with you. (They start kissing and Haley is watching from behind them) [Beach House-Inside] (Carrie is lighting candles) DAN: Would you like something to drink Carrie? CARRIE: How's your red wine selection? DAN: Excellent. (Grabs a bottle and shows her) (Dan is trying to open a bottle of wine) CARRIE: Do you need a hand? DAN: No, I'm just looking for a cork screw. CARRIE: Well you better find one or you'll never get me drunk. (Dan comes across pictures of him and Deb together on the beach) Dan? DAN: I'm sorry. I'm sure you're a great person, Carrie. But I have a wife I love very much. CARRIE: That's sweet, but also a coincidence. Since I have a husband I love very much. But then again, our spouses aren't here, are they? (Deb walks into the house and sees them) Or maybe one of them is. I guess I'll go. DAN: Deb [Lucas' room] (He's getting dressed. Haley comes in) LUCAS: Hey we're just about to pick up my mom. HALEY: What is going on with you and Peyton LUCAS: Nothing HALEY: So you guys weren't together recently? LUCAS: No. Why? What'd you talk to Peyton? HALEY: Why? Are you trying to figure out what lie to tell me next? LUCAS: I wanted to tell you, Hales. HALEY: Tell me what? LUCAS: That we've been... HALEY: Yeah I know you've been cause I saw you kissing her which is a really jack @#%$ move considering you have a girlfriend named Brooke. LUCAS: Don't lecture me, Haley. I know that. HALEY: So stop it. LUCAS: I can't. It's complicated HALEY: It's not complicated, it's simple. It's really simple. What you're doing is wrong. And if you can't see that I don't like the person you're becoming. LUCAS: Okay the person I'm becoming? What about the person you're becoming? HALEY: What does that mean? LUCAS: You know what it means, Haley. Nathan says a few nice things to you to get back at me and you fall for it. HALEY: Oh my God! If I hear that one more time. You know that I did that for you. LUCAS: You did it for me?! HALEY: Yeah. LUCAS: Okay is that what you tell yourself every time you're kissing him? That you're doing it for me? You're the one that's lying. Alright, if you're looking for betrayal, look to yourself. HALEY: You know what, Luke? Next time you see me, don't talk to me. LUCAS: Fine! HALEY: Fine! (She leaves and slams the door) [Beach House] DAN: It was completely innocent. She has a beach house. I had an extra steak. DEB: And a bottle of wine. DAN: Deb I was lonely for some company. DEB: I'm lonely too, Dan. But I'm not off frolicking with the pool boy. DAN: Conversation, Deb. Remember? Like we used to have? DEB: Okay so it's my fault? My deficiencies as a conversationalist have driven you to dine with beach whores. DAN: Are you hungry? (She starts to leave) Oh Deb please. Deb. Deb don't go. Deb, wait. Look. Look at this. (Shows her the picture of them on the beach) Those two people were happy. They loved each other. DEB: The hurricane that fall washed half the beach away. DAN: Yeah DEB: And took those people with it. DAN: Deb don't go. (She leaves and slams the front door) I love you. [Whitey's office] (He's packing up his things into a box) NATHAN: So you're just going to quit, huh? Win 500 games and walk away? (Whitey looks shocked) I did a little research in the library. (hands him his list) WHITEY: You were in the library? Temperature must have dropped in hell. I promised Camilla I'd win 500 games then walk away. We were going to grow old together. NATHAN: You're already old, coach. Besides who's going to yell at me, huh? WHITEY: I'm not supposed to yell at you, Nathan, you're supposed to learn things. NATHAN: Yeah but what fun would that be? You love yelling at me. WHITEY: I do not! NATHAN: Yes you do. You love to yell at me and I love to make you yell. WHITEY: Well if you'd listen once and a while you knucklehead! NATHAN: You know not many coaches win 500 games. WHITEY: No not many high school coaches win 500 games, you know why? Cause they move up to the next level. To carpeted locker rooms and air-conditioned buses, and games that matter. NATHAN: That's a bunch of crap coach. And you know it. These are the games that matter. They matter to kids who are just trying to figure themselves out. Figure out who they're going to be. Look, the other day, you asked me if you've made a difference. Well you have. At least with me. (He starts to leave) WHITEY: Son. At some point, you've got to do it on your own. NATHAN: Yeah at some point. We both know I've got a long way to go, coach. Just don't give up on me. (He leaves) [Dan driving] (He Calls Deb on his cell phone) DEB: (Voice) Hi it's Deb, leave a message and I'll get back to you. DAN: Deb, it's me. I'm coming to see you. [Whitey's office] (Reads his list again. Changes 500 games to 600 games then puts his name tag back onto his desk) [Peyton's room] (Peyton and Brooke are looking around at her room now painted black with a wall to wall poster of a black and white movie audience on her wall) BROOKE: It's like they're all judging you. You can't hide in here anymore. Well Lucas should be here soon. PEYTON: Brooke, you're my best friend. BROOKE: So... PEYTON: No I mean it. You're my best friend, you know that right? BROOKE: Yeah, crazy. What drugs are you on and can I have some? PEYTON: I need to tell you something... [Haley's room] (Nathan and Haley are lying on her bed talking) NATHAN: What's wrong? HALEY: I had a little disagreement with Lucas. NATHAN: About me? HALEY: No, um, just the way he's been acting, he's really disappointing me. (Nathan laughs) What? NATHAN: Nothing, it's just, kind of ironic. HALEY: What's ironic? NATHAN: Lucas, being a jerk. HALEY: How is that...How is that ironic? NATHAN: Well cause that used to be my role, right? I mean this whole thing started cause I was just trying to mess with Lucas. It's just kind of weird, that's all. (Haley looks shocked at what he says but he doesn't notice) [Karen's café] (Deb is putting up a sign that says 'Welcome Home Karen'. Dan walks in) DAN: I need to come home. DEB: No. No. DAN: Deb... DEB: Don't, Dan. There's nothing you can say anymore. I want a divorce. [Keith and Lucas driving at night] KEITH: So you excited to see your mom? LUCAS: Yeah. KEITH: It seems like just yesterday I was kissing her goodbye at the airport. LUCAS: Wait you were kissing my mother? KEITH: Yeah, saying goodbye. LUCAS: Okay, Keith could you just do me a favor and keep the PDA to a minimum. KEITH: You think maybe you could keep that tattoo covered up for a while? Like, say, the rest of your life. (They stop at a red light) Listen, Luke, I know it wasn't always smooth sailing between us, but, whatever your mom wants us to be, I just want you to know that... LUCAS: I love you too, Keith (The Light turns green to go straight but the left turn light is still red. Keith turns anyway and a truck smashes into Lucas' side. Dan sees the accident and runs to the car. Keith struggles to get out his side) DAN: Keith! (Helping Keith) Easy, easy Keith I got you. Come on. KEITH: Lucas. Get Lucas! (Lucas is unconscious. Dan tries to feel his pulse. He tries to call 911 but it doesn't connect) Dan. Is Luke okay? DAN: He's going to be okay, Keith. (He goes to the passenger's side and pulls Lucas out to put him in his car) [in front of the hospital] (Dan jumps out and carries Lucas inside) DAN: I need a doctor. My brother's in the car, he needs some help. DOCTOR: What happened? DAN: Car Accident. He was on the passenger's side. Nearest point of impact. DOCTOR: Set up for a chest tube. Cross in time for 4 units. He's a minor? DAN: Yeah DOCTOR: He's going to need surgery. DAN: Do whatever you need to do, Doc. DOCTOR: You're his legal guardian? DAN: (pausing for a second) He's my son. (Doctors wheel him away) [Airport] (Karen stands there looking around for them) [Hospital] (Doctor is examining Keith) DOCTOR: Well you've got a concussion and I'm going to have to close that. But you'll be fine. So, how much have you had to drink today? [Lucas in Surgery] (Doctors are working and giving him oxygen) [Hospital Hallway] (Three doctors walk quickly by Keith, who looks nervous. He pulls out his cell phone) [Airport] VOICE ON LOUDSPEAKER: Paging Karen Roe. Karen Roe to the nearest white courtesy phone. KAREN: (Picking up the phone) This is Karen Roe [Surgery] (Doctors are preping Lucas, He has a tube coming out of his mouth. His heart rate monitors flat line)

Plan: A: Karen; Q: Who is being picked up from the airport? A: an oncoming vehicle; Q: What did Keith and Lucas' car collide with? A: an unconscious Lucas; Q: Who is left fighting for his life? A: the accident; Q: What does Dan witness? A: Dan; Q: Who races Lucas to the hospital? A: Brooke; Q: Who does Peyton tell about the kiss? Summary: On their way to pick up Karen from the airport, Keith and Lucas' car collides with an oncoming vehicle and an unconscious Lucas is left fighting for his life. Having witnessed the accident, Dan races Lucas to the hospital and must acknowledge that Lucas is his son in order to save his life. Meanwhile, Peyton decides to tell Brooke about the kiss she and Lucas shared.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Jack: What is that? What do you do? I'm a doctor. Really. You tried to pull one over on me. No, I didn't, I was- So what did you do, Lou? Did you share my entire medical history with this woman? Georgie: Hey, guys. Mallory, look who's here, my brother. Jeff, Mallory. Hey. Hi. You do exist. Cassandra: I'm the one you should be firing. I let Jeremy into the clinic the night Buckingham died. Ty, I'm so sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Man: All right, here we go. [SCENE_BREAK] [Coach calls out instructions] [SCENE_BREAK] [Hooves thunder] Aren't they incredible? Yeah, even in rehearsal. Thanks for letting me come along, Scott. It's not very often you get an inside look at the musical ride. No problem. I'm pretty excited to work with them myself. Things may be crazy at the clinic, but this is one gig I couldn't pass up. Coach: Heels down, heels down. [SCENE_BREAK] [Nervous snort, shrill whinny] Ungh! No, he's gotta get outta there, Ty. You all right, Turner? Yeah, yeah, I think so. What the hell happened this time? I-I'm fine. Lou: Hi. [Deep exhale] Old biddy: Excuse me, miss, I have asked you twice for clean towels. I'm sorry. I'm just a little bit short-staffed, but I will be right with you. [Phone ringing] Heartland equestrian connection, Lou speaking. Nicole, please tell me you are back from New York. Another week? No, I need you now. Mallory is gone, and between the diner and the dude ranch, I am stretched so thin. I did. I put up wanted ads online and, so far, no bites. Older woman: Excuse me! Still waiting. One second. Listen, I have to go, but just get back as soon as you can, okay? Okay, bye. [Sighs] I did not sign up for this. Georgie: You know, this is the last one. Jack: Nothing to worry about. Next couple of days, we're gonna have more hay here than you can shake a stick at. Georgie: Can't wait. Do I get to pitch bales into the wagon? Jack: [Laughs] I don't think so. One of these bales weighs more than you, but you're welcome to come along. You've just got to stay out of the way, that's all. Come on, you have to give me a job. I want to be a part of this. Jack: Job, huh? Okay. You can be the spotter. Spotter? Jack: Yeah, that's the guy that stands back at a distance, makes sure the load is distributed equally. That is so not a real job. Jeff; Hey, squirt! Jeff! Hi. How's it goin'? Scott: He seemed perfectly fine to me. Sgt. Decker: So why do they keep blowing up out there? Wasn't the first time. Scott: I can't say, but it's not physical. Sgt. Decker: What's going on out there, Brian? Brian: Nothing, sir. I don't know. And that was just rehearsal. What are you gonna do during the performance? We'll put it together, sergeant. It's like you're going backwards. The show was supposed to be your debut. We'll be ready, I-I swear. Really? Because I don't see how. Ty: Excuse me, sergeant Decker? Sorry to interrupt. My name is Ty. Amy here, I think, can help you out. She has a really good track record with riders and their horses. Yeah? You think you can help us get these two on the same page? Well, that depends. Every partnership has its own set of issues. I've seen Amy do some incredible things. It'd be worth it to give her a shot. Do you have time? Today even? Yeah, sure. I could work with you two up at the ranch, if that's okay with you? Okay. But if I don't see some big improvement, I'm gonna pull you from the alberta show, got it? Yes, sir. ♪ And at the break of day ♪ you sank into your dream ♪ you dreamer ♪ oh, oh, oh... ♪ You dreamer ♪ you dreamer [low hum of chatter, playful laughter] Whoa, whoa. [Car rumbles up] Cassandra? Lou! You work here? You could say that. I own the place. Great. I guess I won't need these. Is that a resume? Uh, yeah, I need a job for the summer and I saw the ad, but... After that whole thing with Ty, you probably won't want me, so... Right. Wait, um... Have you ever done this before? Um... not exactly, but I'm a fast learner. [Glass shatters] Girl: You did that on purpose! It's all your fault! I'm telling! You're hired. Wait, you want me to take care of that? No, mom! Mom! Yeah! And while you're at it, you can turn down the volume on the kid. Well, at the clinic, we'd use a muzzle. Girl: Mom! So how long are you staying? Just a few days. I've got two weeks off so I'm heading down the coast. I'm going to go surfing in Baja. You surf? Jeff: Yeah, that's the plan. But I wanted to stop by and see you first. So what do you want to do? Do you want to go on a trail ride? Yeah, that's still not really my thing. Um... oh, I have an idea. Why don't we go hang out with that friend of yours, um, what's her name? Uh... Mallory. Oh, she's travelling in Europe. Europe? Oh. We could always head down to Lou's dude ranch and pull out the canoe. Wouldn't that be awesome? Uh, yeah, yeah. Totally. Cool. That's a crock of crap and you know it. You could have told me you were going out of town. What's going on? Oh, your father, that's what's going on. He just took off to moose jaw for a week. So? Well, so, I need to bring in that hay. Well, just wait until he gets back. No way. I'm not letting your father set the agenda. What do we feed the horses in the meantime? Grandpa, it's way too big a job to do on your own. Think you can get a day off? I don't know, Jack, work at the clinic's been pretty crazy. Scott's looking for another vet assistant right now. So no you, no Peter, no Caleb... Of course, no Tim. Forget it, I'll figure it out. I was kind of hoping he wouldn't take part in it this year. It's really strenuous work. He seems like he's okay. I guess. You should have seen Phoenix and I. It was like we were flying. It was amazing, and I just knew that Olivia was eating her heart out. Awesome. Man: No, you listen. I signed up for a two-hour trail ride and I'm going. Cassandra: Obviously you didn't read the fine print on the waiver form because there is a weight restriction. My wife's always on me about my weight, I don't need to hear it from you, too. Well... Then, I suggest you make some lifestyle changes and we'd be happy to accommodate you in the future. I just want a horse. Okay, let me see what I can do, okay? Georgie: Hello? [Snaps fingers] Jeff: What? Georgie: Why don't you just go talk to her? Go and talk to who? Come on, you're practically drooling over that cassandra girl. Hey, I bet you need a lifejacket or something if we're gonna go on that canoe. No, I don't. Oh, excuse me, I'm taking a canoe. Taking it? Uh, are you a guest? Uh, no, not exactly. Then you're renting it, buddy. That'll be twenty dollars. But Lou's my mom. No, no, it doesn't matter. She wants twenty? No problem. Here you go, and here's another twenty for your trouble. Really? Isn't there a better way to spend your allowance? Hey, I made that, and a whole lot more up in the oil sands. Doesn't that violate some sort of child labour law or something? And that canoe is totally booked. Oh, burn. Brian: Thanks for taking this on. Amy: No problem. But I should warn you, there's only so much I can do in such little time. I need to be ready for the show. Well, I'll try my best, but... You don't understand. My whole family's coming to watch; My grandfather was in the ride. So you want him to see you carrying on the tradition, I guess? No. Uh, he passed away years ago. It's my grandma. That's how she remembers him - in his red serge, up on a black horse. I just want to ride for her. You will. Now, sergeant Decker was saying that, you know, you two were really good together in the beginning. Yeah, we kicked butt in the recruitment process. So is there anything that could've happened between you that would change that? Uh, not that I can think of. All right, let's start by circling around those blue barrels. Brian: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] [Clicks his tongue] Amy: That looks good. All right. Now, on the long side, I want you to do a nice extended trot and then collect him at the corners. Very nice. All right, in the next corner, I want you to do a nice sitting trot and then pick up a canter. So we fix him yet? Well, so far, from what I can see, there's nothing wrong to fix. Cole's a great horse, he's super responsive. So it's Turner. Well, he's a great rider. I mean he's confident. Sgt. Decker: That's why he made the team. So why do they keep screwing up lately in rehearsal? I have no idea. Well, let's find out. Turner, let's see some figure eights through those barrels. Yes, sir! [SCENE_BREAK] [Snorting] [Whinnying] Sgt. Decker: Come on, Turner! Pull it together! Excuse me, sir, um, I need a break. The thing that really needs fixing is that constable's attitude. Hey, you were doing so well. What happened out there? I don't know. From what I saw, all of a sudden, you started digging in on his sides and pulling on his reins. I guess I lost focus. Lost focus? You were giving him all the wrong signals. I choked under the pressure, all right? Sarge has a way of getting inside my head. Listen, if one person can stress you out, how do you think you're gonna perform in front of thousands? I don't know. I just gotta figure out a way to control it or it's gonna ruin everything. Okay, we will. It might take a few days, but I don't give up that easily. Lou: Thank you. Buttermilk fried chicken? Jeff: Mmm, this looks great! Yeah, it was even better when it was the daily special at Maggie's yesterday. Oh hey, no, no, anything more than a pot of Mac and cheese is a step up for me. And besides, you're too busy at work. Tell me about it. I am in desperate need of some more staff. Oh yeah, that one girl at the dude ranch has an attitude, huh? Um, cassandra, right? Cassandra. Are you kiddin'? Lou, how could you do that after what she did to Ty? You guys, I have been so overworked between the dude ranch and the diner, I just... Ty, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown when she showed up. I just needed a body. Well, you sure did pick a nice one. Seriously? Well, I'm just saying that she's hot. Anyway, grandpa, how did it go with tricia today? Your doctor? Oh. We sort of missed each other. You had an appointment. Well, something came up. Like what? Well, like your father jumping town on me. I spent the whole time trying to find somebody to help me with the hay. You're not seriously considering throwing those heavy bales this year, are you? Why not? I've been doing it all my life. Grandpa, don't you think that, considering the circumstances, you might wanna just wait for dad? No, I don't. Jeff: Ty, wait up. Ty: What's up? Jeff; Hey, so what happened between you and that cassandra chick? Ty: Nothing. Oh, ugly break-up, huh? No. Okay, so what's the deal then? There's no deal. We just used to work together at the clinic. She have a boyfriend? I have no idea. What's she all about, man? You guys must have shot the breeze at work or something. Yeah, I haven't really seen her in a while, so I can't help you, Jeff. Sorry. Come on, man, do me a solid. You gotta remember something. She likes cars - uh, fast ones. Really fast cars. Really. What kind of guy is she into? [Starts engine] One that's started shaving. [Truck rumbles away] Oh, Jeff is going to love these. Are you kidding me? Who doesn't love chocolate banana pancakes? Oh, don't make them too big. Where's the hitch pin? The what? The hitch pin? Don't give me that. I need it to hook the hay wagon to that tractor. I know you'd rather see me watching TV or something, but hiding that pin, it's not gonna stop me. Okay, I didn't hide anything, and I resent the accusation. Okay. Guess I'll just go to town and get another one. Okay. Darn it. You did hide it. See those bubbles? Time to flip them. [Happy sigh] Wakey, wakey! Hey, squirt! I made you pancakes. Oh, thanks, but I pretty much stick to coffee for breakfast. That's okay, more for me. I'm going to need the energy. I'm going to show you what Phoenix and I can do. Yes, I can't wait. But first I just have to run into calgary. Calgary? That'll take a few hours. Can I come? Oh well, I'll be back as soon as I can, okay? And then you can show me how high you can jump that horse. Cool? Cool. All right. [Vehicles rumble] Tricia: Hey, Lou. Tricia. Um, please don't tell me you're here for- yeah. But I don't see his truck anywhere. I cannot believe he skipped out on another appointment. You can't believe it? I'm the one wasting my time playing this ridiculous game of cat and mouse. I am so sorry. Maybe it's time Jack found another doctor. Lou: No, no, no, no. You have no idea how hard it was just to get him to see you. He's just been taking care of this ranch so long, he doesn't know how to make time for his own health. Well, he's down to his last chance. I will talk to him, I swear. Good luck with that. Thank you. I'll see you later. Thank you. [Suv rumbles away] [Musical ride music plays] Okay, I want to make this seem as much like the musical ride as I can, so I'm gonna take spartan around that barrel, and I want you and Cole to come from the other way and go around - we'll meet in the middle. Scott: Thread the needle. I got it. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] You're supposed to give us more space. Amy: Well, you need to learn to be ready for anything. Okay, let's try it again, and this time you go in front. [Nervous snorts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Amy: Brian! Pull up! Brian, stop him! Agh! Oof! You all right? I-I'm fine. I'm fine. Maybe we should just take a break. No. You know what? Let's call it a day. Come on, Brian, we've just got it started. These things take time. Brian: No, I think this is something I've gotta figure out on my own. What is that supposed to mean it means I just have to man up and deal with the pressure. Tricia: I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. From what I saw, that wasn't a simple case of performance anxiety. Sorry, I'm tricia. This is my grandpa's doctor. This is Brian, he rides for the rcmp musical ride. Hi. Those tremors... What tremors? They could be a sign of some underlying condition. I mean you might wanna tell your medical team about it. Yeah, thanks for the heads up. I'll look into it. [Gate clunks open] [Low hum of chatter, playful laughter] Cassandra: Oh man... Hey! Scott. So you're working here? Yeah. You know, uh... Needed a summer job. I thought you would've been at uh... Yeah, but um... Haven't had much luck getting on at a clinic. I guess some things follow you around. Sorry to hear that. Hey, it is what it is. Gotta get to work. Yeah, me too. Bye. [Sighs] [Car revs up] Jeff: Hey. Cassandra, right? I'm Jeff. We met yesterday. Well, sort of. The canoe, remember? You totally shot me down. Obviously I didn't do a good enough job. Ooh! Why are you so bitter? You know, maybe you need a little bit of excitement in your life. You're not gonna ask me to your prom in that thing, are you? [Laughs] Okay, look, I'm almost twenty, and I've lived a lot in those years. Not enough to get it when a girl's not into you. Ouch! Look, I'm thinking you need to work off some of that aggression. In your dreams. Oh no, don't take it the wrong way. What are you doing? Thought you might want to help me take it for a test drive. All right. [Starts up the engine] Hey, wait! It's a rental! Oh... I'll have one of those, and then, if you've got a minute, you can help me hook that wagon up to the tractor. Grandpa, you're not still thinking about doing that tomorrow, are you? Aw, not you too! [Sighs] I know Lou has been overly "Lou" lately, but bringing in the hay is a lot of work, and I just think that it's not the craziest idea to hire a crew this year. Jack: Amy... [Sighs] I gotta wash up. Tricia: [Door opens] Hello? Hello again, tricia. Tricia: Hey. You know, I was heading back to my clinic and I had to turn back. Something wasn't right with that guy on the horse. I know. I know, and when he heard you were a doctor, he just... Yeah, I think he's in denial. I mean, he knows something's wrong, but he's too afraid to deal with it. Well, being in the musical ride, that's a lot of pressure. Well, from what he saw, those spasms could put him and his horse at risk. You need to convince him to see someone. And what if he won't? It's your call. But if it were me, I'd make sure he was pulled from the ride until he did. [SCENE_BREAK] Well, look who's here. [Sucks his teeth] [Door opens] Jack: You know, I'm sorry about that. Tricia: Yeah, well, you should be! Jack: I just got busy and things- tricia: Oh, you got busy?! What, I got nothing but time on my hands? That's not what I meant. If you're not interested in taking care-I am interested in taking care- oh, yeah, yeah, you got a funny way of showing it. Jack: I have one little heart attack and everybody thinks they have to treat me like a sick old man! Why don't we do this examination right now? [Door slams] I have another appointment. Tomorrow then. I'm all booked up, Jack! Day after tomorrow then. Look, I'm not driving out here to admire the scenery, so you better be here or it's strike three, you're out. [Truck starts up and rumbles away] [Dogs barking] Ty: Hey, Scott, I know it's bad timing, but do you think I could cut out for a few hours tomorrow? Scott: Seriously? With everything on our plate right now? I know, it's just... Jack's bringing in the hay tomorrow and he probably shouldn't be doing it by himself. No, he shouldn't. Okay, just get back here after you're done. All right, I will. Thank you. You know, we really could use another assistant here. Scott: Well, I saw cassandra at the dude ranch. She's working there. Ty: Yup, I heard. Pretty tough to get clinic work after what she pulled here. Scott: Well, I was thinking, um, maybe I was too quick to let her go. You were pretty quick to let me go. You didn't seem to have a problem with that. [Sighs] You know I didn't have a choice in that. Okay, are you serious? You're actually thinking about hiring cassandra back? Scott: Well, it's not like she was in on what Jeremy did, and she confessed. Probably not a good idea, eh? Forget I brought it up. [Dogs barking] Hey, squirt! Hey. Hey, sorry I missed your practice. It didn't happen. I was waiting for you. Yeah, the day just kinda... Got away from me, but I'm back now! Georgie: I don't know why. I know that you'd rather hang out with cassandra than me, so why don't you just go do that! Jeff: Wh-Georgie, come on! Kids, huh? Hey. Hey. Hey. What was that about? I don't know. Georgie sounded pretty upset. She probably had a good reason. Yeah. I wasn't expecting to see you tonight. Well, I was gonna do some overtime with Scott, but uh... He's thinking about hiring cassandra back. Are you serious? Yeah, I mean, we can use the extra hand at the clinic, Amy - I'm not arguing that - but cassandra? [Birds chirp] [Door opens] Lou: Hey, grandpa. There's eggs on the stove if you want some. Jack: I'm not hungry, but thank you. What's the matter? Jack: Aw... Fuel injector pump on that tractor, nobody in town has one. They have to order it! So we'll just have to wait on the hay? Not if I can help it. Old Seth fredrickson owes me a favour. Great. So he can bring in the hay. What do you mean? I just watch from the sidelines? You could be the spotter. You said it was a real job. Jack: Just make sure everybody's in the north field at 1 P.M. Because we are doin' this today! Lou: Grandpa! [Door opens and closes] The fuel injector pump... Nice one. It wasn't me this time. I swear! Mother: Well, it's about time! Son: Aw, great. Get prepared to be lectured on your lifestyle choices, ma. I was just pointing out that the equestrian connection enforces a weight limit on our riding program. What's this? Where's my extra bacon?! I substituted our fresh fruit salad. Mother: Fruit salad? You sound like his uptight wife! I practically raised my boy on bacon! Cassandra: Well, you know what they say: You are what you eat. Let me get that extra bacon for you. Lou: Excuse us. What do you think you're doing? Um, I guess there was a mix-up in the orders? It doesn't sound like a mix-up to me. I was just trying to help the guests make healthier choices. More like giving him a lecture! Well, somebody has to! Yeah, yeah, except that's not really your job, is it? Okay, you know what? Apparently, I can't do anything right, so I quit! Wait, sorry, you quit?! Isn't that a little extreme? This isn't a good fit for me. And this isn't a good time for me to be losing staff, so... Look, I'm sorry. Mother: Hello? Order of bacon - still waiting! Cassandra: What? You have something else for me to test drive?! Jeff: That was a dirty trick. Cassandra: Why? I brought it back in one piece. What more do you want? It handles nice. Jeff: Hey, look, I just want to get to know you! What is your problem?! Where to start? Let's see... Well, I'm obviously not cut out for the hospitality industry. What, you got fired? No, I quit! And I have no idea how I'll afford my next term! I mean, I used to have a great job at vet clinic until I made a huge, stupid mistake with some guy and I'm still paying for it! Does it have something to do with Ty? Uh, yeah. Mostly the fact that he can't seem to let it go and he's making my life miserable. Well, hey, if there's anything I can do to help you out. Can you just leave me alone? [Door slams shut, car starts and rumbles away] Amy: Brian, what's going on? [Trailer door clanks open loudly] Brian: Look... Thanks for all your help, but like I said, this isn't working! You know the sergeant is gonna ask me if you're able to ride. And what are you gonna say? I'm gonna say that you need a medical. I'll get one after the tour. No, you need one now. Look, it could be nothing. Brian: No, Amy, it's not nothing. I, uh, I went to my doctor a few weeks ago. And what did your doctor say? I have multiple sclerosis. Brian, I had no idea. Yeah. My grandma, she's sick, she's... she's really sick. This would be her only chance to see me and now it's over. This whole thing's over for me. Amy: Brian, wait! Let's just figure something out, okay? Give me one more chance. So we're still missing a couple of extra hands. Georgie: I bet Jeffy would help. I bet he would. [Knock at the door] Do you mind getting that, honey? Yeah, sure. Okay, so I'll drive and you throw the bales, right? Okay, well, what about Jack? That's the thing. We need to make him feel like he's part of it without actually letting him do any of the work. Georgie: [Door shuts] Come on in. That's gonna be kinda tough. Tricia: And demoralizing. Uh, tricia, we're just trying to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. By making him feel useless? He's completely ignoring his health. I mean, for your information, he's not even here, so he skipped yet another appointment. Oh no, I see him tomorrow. I'm here to work with Amy. I just came in to get a cup of coffee. Oh. Ty: Well, let me get that for you. Tricia: Thanks. You know, I think I see why Jack's having a hard time accepting his condition. I know you're all concerned for him, but you need to stop putting limits on what he can do. He's still a strong, energetic, virile man. Virile? Georgie: What's virile? I'm just saying he's still very capable. It's one thing to be careful, but maybe it's time for you guys to take off the kid gloves. Thanks. So I got you these little blunt spurs. So if your legs start shaking you're not gonna be jabbing him in his side. Brian: You know I can't control that. Amy: I know, but we can minimize the effect it has on the horse. And... I installed some padding on the bottom of your saddle, okay? And we can put some in your boots too during the ride. If your arms start spasming, best thing to do is to put slack in your reigns and grab onto this leather strap, okay? Now, you just look where you want to go and Cole will take you there. What if he doesn't? You're just gonna have to trust him. He knows his job, you just let him do it. What's she doing here? If we're gonna do this, I want tricia on hand. You told her? Yeah. Well, I guess it can't be a secret anymore. Let's get to work. [Birds chirp] Jeff: Hey, you seen Georgie? Ty: She just left with Lou, went to meet Jack in the field. Hey, you know, um, Cassie seems to be in a pretty tough spot right now. And? Jeff: Maybe you need to let it go. Maybe you don't know what you're talking about. No, I think I do. Well, maybe she's throwing you for a loop and you don't know it. Jeff: What, so you're saying cass is a liar? Ty: Well, she threw me under the bus. Lost my job 'cause of her. Okay, look, I don't know what happened with you guys. I mean, she made mistakes, whatever. It's just... She seems like an okay person. She's having a reallly rough time right now. Shouldn't you be more concerned about Georgie than cass? Me and Georgie, we're fine. Really? You come all the way down here and you don't spend any time with her? What gives, man? I don't know, I'm not really good at this. At what? Being a big brother. I mean, it's just- it's not like we grew up together, man. It was always different homes and different families. It's just... We hardly even know each other and... I mean, I'm trying, but... I guess I don't know where to start. All right, well, I do. Follow me. Lou: Seriously, grandpa? Jack: And why not? This is how we used to do it! Georgie: This is gonna be so cool! Ty: Hey! Look who showed up! Georgie: Jeff! See? I told you he'd come! Jeff: So where do you guys want me? Lou: You and Ty are gonna throw bales up to me and Georgie on the wagon. So, Jack, you're not gonna... No. No, somebody has to handle this team, and I'm bettin' none of you can. Jeff: [Laughs] [Wagon clatters] Ty: You got it? Lou: Yup! [Bridles rattle, hooves thud] Ty and Jeff: [Grunt with effort] Ty: Come on, Jeff, let's go! Jack: That's it. Hey. [SCENE_BREAK] Ty: I think my arms are gonna fall off! Jack: You wait till mornin'. Jeff: Oh, yeah, that was hard work. I'm still sweating! Georgie: Yeah, it's, uh, it's pretty hot out here. Maybe you should, uh, cool off! [Water splashes] Guys: [Grunt in surprise] Lou: Georgie! Ty: Hey! Jeff: Yeah, she's toast! Ty: Get her! Jeff: Get back here, squirt! Georgie: [Squeals] No, no, no, no! Ty: Hey, Jeff, get her! Jeff: You're not getting away! Ty: Get her, get her, get her! Georgie: [Shrieks] Get off! Jeff: Oh! Georgie: Get off! Get off! Jeff: [Laughing] Georgie: No, guys, get off! Ty: [Laughing] Lou: [Chuckles] Jack: Just so you know, I'll be the one throwin' the bales next year. And I'm going to try to be okay with that. Good. I want things to go back to normal, and you know I'm all right. More than all right, according to tricia. What'd she say? Georgie, Ty and Jeff: [Yell and shout happily] What did she say? [Laughs] Lou: Get 'em, Georgie! Georgie: Get away! Agh! Ty: Yeah! [Laughing] Georgie: [Squeals] No! Jeff: Agh! Georgie: [Laughs] [Tongues cluck, hooves thud] Amy: Did you see that? It's totally working! Tricia: Yeah, sort of. What're you talking about? That was perfect! Now, when he's obviously feeling confident with your aids, but what's gonna happen when he's stressed? Hey, uh, Amy, can we take a break? I'm dying out here. Amy: No, we're gonna go again, this time side-by-side. Ready? [Hooves canter] [Horses snort] Brian: [Gasps and shakes] [Horse snorts] Amy: You okay? Brian: Yeah. That actually worked. Cole rode right through it. We did it! Thank you. Don't thank me yet, not until you've done it for real. That's right, I'm gonna tell the sergeant that you can go on the musical ride. [Exhales happily] Cassandra: Hi. Hey. Hey. So you wanted to talk? Scott: Yeah, um, so here's the thing: The clinic's been really busy and I've been having trouble finding a good assistant. Right, what does that have to do with me? Scott: Well, look, you, uh, you did good job here, and I just don't really have the time to train someone else. I don't really understand. You want your old job back? Really?! And you're okay with this? Scott: Actually, it was Ty's idea. Yeah, of course I'll come back! [Sighs] But all is not forgotten. You will be put on probation. I understand. Can you start now? Yeah, sure. Scott: Great. We're going to spruce meadows. Prep her on what needs to be done. Yup. [Dogs barking] Okay, so there's a shipment of vaccines that just came in that needs to be- thank you, Ty. Thank you. Don't thank me. I did it for Scott, he needs the help. Okay. So let's just try and stay out of each other's way, okay? [Dogs barking] [Shovel scrapes] Jeff: Hey! Georgie: You're gonna help? Jeff: What? You think I'm afraid of a little horse poop? Yeah, I kinda did. Well, I better start doin' somethin' around here if I'm gonna convince Jack to let me stay for another week. I'm not goin' to California. What about surfing in Baja? Some other time. [Laughs] Georgie: [Laughs] Tricia: So how you been feeling? Great! How about you? Pardon me? You must get sick and tired of always asking everyone else how they're doin', so... I don't really think about it. I'm doing well, thanks. Well, good. I have to say you're in a better mood today. Well, my health is important, so I guess these visits are a necessary evil. [Laughing] That's not exactly the way I'd put it. Your pulse is fine. Everything seems okay. What, just okay? Well, you're in pretty good shape. What else do you want me say? Well, I don't know. Let's see... Maybe that I seem strong and healthy and... Virile. ♪ [Theme] Announcer: Please welcome the musical ride of the royal Canadian mounted police! Crowd: [Cheer and applaud] Announcer: The riders and horses performing today welcome you to the show! If you see something you like, feel free to applaud! The members and the horses appreciate it! [SCENE_BREAK] Crowd: [Applauds] Ty: He's doing great. Amy: Yeah, but it's a long performance. [Hooves thud] Crowd: [Applauds] [Hooves thud] Ty: This is where he had all his issues, right? [Quietly] Come on, Brian, come on, come on! [Hooves thud] Brian: [Gasps and grunts] [Quietly] Come on, Brian! Come on! [Relieved sigh, crowd applauds] Announcer: The musical ride originated from the northwest mounted police as they made the great march across Canada in 1874! The first recorded display of the musical ride took place in fort mcleod, alberta, in 1876! Now the riders move to the centre of the arena to form the star! Crowd: [Applauds and cheers] [Hooves thud] Announcer: Now, everyone get your cameras ready for one of the highlights of the musical ride! The charge! [Horse hooves thunder] Crowd: [Applauds and cheers] [Hooves thud] Crowd: [Applauds and cheers]

Plan: A: Amy; Q: Who attempts to help a young RCMP constable? A: a young Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) constable; Q: Who does Amy attempt to help? A: a personal challenge; Q: What does Amy help a young RCMP constable overcome? A: the RCMP Musical Ride; Q: What is the name of the performance that the constable wants to be in? A: Georgie's brother; Q: Who comes to visit Georgie? A: Scott; Q: Who hires Cassandra back? Summary: Amy attempts to help a young Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) constable overcome a personal challenge to fulfill his lifelong dream of performing in the RCMP Musical Ride. Georgie's brother comes to visit. Scott hires back Cassandra.

DEATH TO THE DALEKS BY: TERRY NATION PART FOUR 5:35pm - 6:00pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. CITY. FIRST CORRIDOR (Another door glides upwards revealing a long corridor ahead of them. The floor in the middle section of the corridor appears to be covered in a series of red and white triangles and other shapes. The two warily enter the corridor and move on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. CITY. SECOND CORRIDOR (The door glides shut behind them but they continue onwards. Suddenly the DOCTOR catches sight of the floor and holds BELLAL back.) DOCTOR: Stop - don't move! BELLAL: What is it? DOCTOR: It's another test, I think. (The DOCTOR gets down on his haunches and looks down closely at the floor.) DOCTOR: The people who built this city...they didn't go in for ornamental floors, did they? BELLAL: I don't understand. DOCTOR: No, neither do I. (He takes his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket. He adjusts it so that it emits a pinging signal and then hovers it over the floor. The instrument gives out a shriller signal over one part of it and the pinging signal over another. The DOCTOR stands and switches the screwdriver off.) DOCTOR: Tell me, have you ever tried Venusian hopscotch? (BELLAL'S limpid eyes look at him in puzzlement and his head turns like a puzzled dog.) DOCTOR: No, it's a silly question. You wouldn't have done. Anyway, now's your chance to learn. I...I want you to do exactly what I do, alright? (BELLAL nods and the DOCTOR switches on the screwdriver again. He runs it over the floor and steps onto the first area where the signal changes. He runs the screwdriver once more in a scanning motion and steps into another area upon resolution of the signal. On his next scan of the screwdriver, the signals indicate that there are two safe parts and, as the patterns in the middle of the floor are smaller than the size of two feet, the DOCTOR has to jump a foot into both of these safe points.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. CITY. ENTRANCE CHAMBER (The maze completed, the door glides upwards and the DALEKS glide into the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. CITY. FIRST CORRIDOR (They glide swiftly on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. CITY. SECOND CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR has made it to the other side of the floor pattern and BELLAL has started his journey across, guided by the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Now jump. (BELLAL jumps into a safe area of the pattern.) DOCTOR: Good. Now the next two white triangles... (BELLAL is about to jump, but...) DOCTOR: No, no, no! Not the red, the white - to the right. (BELLAL makes the move safely and is now in the middle of the floor pattern.) DOCTOR: That's it. And the other foot in the other white triangle Good, don't touch the red. Now stay exactly where you are and give me your hand. (He reaches across and takes the little Exxilon's grey hand in his.) DOCTOR: Now when I count three, you jump, and don't touch any of those squares. One...two...three - right, jump! (BELLAL jumps and the DOCTOR yanks him across.) DOCTOR: Well done, that's rather a jolly game, don't you think? (BELLAL nods but...) BELLAL: Well, was that really necessary, Doctor? DOCTOR: Ah, yes, I think so. Let me show you something. (He reaches into his red waistcoat pockets and pulls out a small coin.) DOCTOR: Five piestas - do I need five piestas? No, I don't think so. Right then - just you watch this. (He throws the coin onto an unsafe area of the floor. Immediately it lands, an arc of electricity descends from the ceiling onto the coin. After a few seconds, the little disc of metal explodes.) DOCTOR: Tilt! Right, let's go and see what other pleasures they have in store for us. (They move off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. CITY. FIRST CORRIDOR (The DALEKS have reached the closed door which glides upwards revealing the corridor with the patterned floor beyond - but no sign of the DOCTOR or BELLAL. They glide onwards and the door slides down behind them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. CITY. SECOND CORRIDOR (They slowly glide onwards.) SECOND DALEK: Proceed with all caution. This territory will be classified as hostile. (The SECOND DALEK glides on.) FIRST DALEK: It is understood. (The SECOND DALEK reaches and glides onto the patterned floor. Immediately, it is covered by a series of electrical arcs, sending the casing spinning and twisting round.) SECOND DALEK: Alert! Alert! Excessive electrical charge received! (It manages to make it to the other side of the floor. The FIRST DALEK fires shot after shot into the floor, ripping its surface to pieces and causing a series of arcs to descend onto the lodged bullets. When the activity has ceased, the FIRST DALEK glides safely across to its companion.) FIRST DALEK: Damage report? SECOND DALEK: Non-conductive shielding burnt out. Sensors register receiving seven thousand volt electrical charge. FIRST DALEK: Weapon evidently designed to destroy humanoid tissue. We will continue. (The SECOND DALEK is about to glide on but the FIRST DALEK'S eye-stalk looks down at the floor.) FIRST DALEK: Wait - observe. (They watch as the destroyed sections of the floor fade away until it looks as new.) FIRST DALEK: This evidence suggests that city is indestructible. Proceed. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. CITY. CHAMBER (Another wall panel glides up and the DOCTOR and BELLAL step into an empty chamber.) BELLAL: An empty room. DOCTOR: Don't be too sure. BELLAL: Moving inside this city is like being inside a living thing. DOCTOR: Yes - its bloodstream rather than its stomach. We're being moved around like... [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. CITY. CONTROL ROOM (In a nearby control room, the DOCTOR and BELLAL appear on a flat, wide monochrome screen. Sat in a chair before the screen is a watching Exxilon.) DOCTOR: (On monitor.) ...microbes, Bellal. And all the time getting closer to the heart. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. EXXILON (NIGHT) (Night has fallen. JILL lies asleep among some rocks in a clearing as a DALEK glides past on patrol. SARAH carefully makes her way past a crag and runs quickly across the open ground towards JILL. After crouching down a moment, she takes another short run towards the rock which JILL is next to and hides behind it. She watches carefully as the DALEK glides past and into the darkness. She then raises her head to get JILL'S attention.) SARAH: (Quietly.) Pst! Jill... (There is no response.) SARAH: (Louder.) Pst! Jill! (JILL wakes and sees her with a smile.) JILL TARRANT: Sarah! SARAH: (Whispers.) Shh! Keep your voice down. (SARAH pushes herself back into the rock she is hidden behind. JILL looks round for the DALEK and sits up, pushing herself back also against the low rock which now stands between the two women.) JILL TARRANT: (Quietly.) What happened to you? Where's the Doctor? SARAH: (Quietly.) He's gone into the city. He's going to try and black out the beacon. JILL TARRANT: (Quietly.) What's he want us to do? SARAH: (Quietly.) You must be ready for take-off - the moment the power comes back on. Remember, it comes back on for the Daleks too. JILL TARRANT: (Quietly.) Yes, I know. SARAH: (Quietly.) Right, now, how much parrinium have you found? JILL TARRANT: (Quietly.) Well, there's more than... (She is about to point but quickly feigns sleep as the DALEK glides past. SARAH also ducks down. After the DALEK has gone they resume their conversation.) JILL TARRANT: (Quietly.) More than enough. All those bags are full. (She indicates across the clearing.) SARAH: (Quietly.) Good. Now...we have to find some way of getting it aboard your ship. JILL TARRANT: (Quietly.) With the Daleks standing guard over us? SARAH: (Quietly.) We've got to try somehow! [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. CITY. CONTROL ROOM (NIGHT) (The watching Exxilon sees the DOCTOR and BELLAL making an examination of the walls of the chamber that they are stood in.) DOCTOR: (On monitor.) Nothing, absolutely nothing. A room without a clue, yet everything within this city has...has got a function. This room must be here for a purpose. BELLAL: (On monitor.) Perhaps... [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. CITY. CHAMBER (NIGHT) BELLAL: ...we have come as far as we are permitted. DOCTOR: No. No, we'll have to start all over again. (The DOCTOR points across the room.) DOCTOR: Try in that corner, will you? There's a good chap. (BELLAL moves across the room and starts to examine a wall. As he reaches up and touches it, it starts to pulse with light and sound. BELLAL seems effected by this, his arm remaining upright and rigid in the air. The little Exxilon turns and faces the DOCTOR who is absorbed in looking over the floor with his sonic screwdriver.) DOCTOR: You know, I have a feeling... (He looks up and stops talking. Somehow the city has taken possession of BELLAL and he is pointing the DALEK gun straight at the DOCTOR. He points the sonic screwdriver and switches it on, producing a signal to counter that from the wall.) DOCTOR: (Urgently.) Bellal - don't! Bellal?! (He stands and slowly starts to walk towards BELLAL.) DOCTOR: (Urgently.) Bellal, don't, now listen to me. Don't fire that gun. Now remember why we're here. Remember why we came to this city. (The signal from the wall stops and the DOCTOR also switches off the screwdriver. He continues to slowly walk towards BELLAL who still has the DALEK gun raised.) DOCTOR: Bellal, I'm your friend. Your friend - you know that. Don't fire that gun. (He is now directly in front of the Exxilon.) DOCTOR: Don't fire! (He grabs the gun from BELLAL and throws it across the room. BELLAL, the spell broken, mutters something. The DOCTOR holds him.) DOCTOR: What happened? What is it? BELLAL: There was a light that shone in my eyes. (The obstacle overcome, a wall panel rises.) BELLAL: A blinding light... DOCTOR: Yes, well whatever it is, we seem to have qualified for the next test. Do you feel ready to go on? BELLAL: No...but we must. DOCTOR: Yes. Come on, old chap. (The DOCTOR puts an arm across his shoulder and leads him through. The panel closes as, on the other side of the room, the entrance panel rises and the DALEKS glide in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. EXXILON. CITY (NIGHT) (The beacon flashes through the night sky.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. CITY WALL (NIGHT) (GALLOWAY and PETER, both holding a DALEK bomb approach the base of the city.) DALEK: You will climb to the summit and place the explosives on the beacon. PETER HAMILTON: And if we refuse? DALEK: The girl we are holding as hostage will be exterminated. You will obey! (It glides to one side to allow the two men to start as they look upwards at their task.) DALEK: You will be in range of my fire at all times. DAN GALLOWAY: (To PETER.) Well, let's...get on with it. (They walk up to the city wall and put the bombs down. GALLOWAY holds out his cupped hands and PETER steps into them and climbs onto the first ledge. GALLOWAY reaches down for the first bomb.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. EXXILON (NIGHT) (The DALEK guard glides past JILL. Once it has gone, she lifts her head and speaks to SARAH who is pressed up against the other side of the rock.) JILL TARRANT: (Quietly.) Okay. SARAH: (Quietly.) Jill, are there any empty parrinium bags? JILL TARRANT: (Quietly.) Yes, there are some right over by the workings. Why? SARAH: (Quietly.) I've got an idea. So go over and get them while I keep watch. (JILL looks concerned.) SARAH: (Whispers.) Hurry! (Quietly, JILL runs across the clearing to where the captive Exxilons are. They are not sleeping but are gathered round a small fire. JILL circles them to get to the empty bags. The Exxilons, much to SARAH'S watching consternation, start to mutter and grunt loudly at her presence. The young girl grabs the bags and runs back to SARAH, throwing them at her. She then quickly resumes her sleeping position just as the DALEK guard glides past once more. Then the two women raise their heads again.) SARAH: (Quietly.) Right. Now, the first thing...we've got to do is get these filled. Anything will do. If the Doctor does manage to restore power, we have to be ready. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. CITY. CORRIDOR (NIGHT) (The DOCTOR and BELLAL make their way along another long corridor.) DOCTOR: Mmm, we must be getting very close to the centre of the city by now. BELLAL: We've come quite a way without any tests. Perhaps we're safe now? DOCTOR: Ah, I shouldn't be too sure. Have you any idea why the city should be testing us in this way? [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. CITY. CONTROL ROOM (NIGHT) (The watching Exxilon sees their approach...) BELLAL: (On monitor.) Well, what do you mean? DOCTOR: (On monitor.) Well, they could have destroyed us dozens of times. Instead they give us a chance to survive by using our intelligence. BELLAL: (On monitor.) And it has a purpose for this? DOCTOR: (On monitor.) Oh, yes. By passing these tests we've proved that we have an intelligence level that could be useful. We might have some knowledge or science...that they could add to their databanks. (On the screen, they are seen to turn a corner.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. CITY. ANTECHAMBER (NIGHT) (They enter a chamber that has no sliding panel entrance. Another dressed skeleton of a previous failed intruder lies on the floor. Suddenly, the lights in the room start to dim and the hum of the city fluctuates.) BELLAL: Now what? DOCTOR: Well, if I'm right...the ultimate test will be an assault on our sanity. So be ready for it. (The room's lights suddenly start to flare into a series of colours. BELLAL is immediately affected and grabs his head. The DOCTOR is at first unaffected but the flare grows stronger, distorting the air. His face creases in pain and he puts his hands to his head as a series of revolving bright patterns and sounds burn into his mind...) DOCTOR: Bellal, fight it! (BELLAL moans in pain.) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Fight it, Bellal! BELLAL: (Shouts.) No! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Fight it! It's an illusion! It's an illusion! (The mental assault grows stronger...) DOCTOR: (Shouts.) You have no substance! No truth! You do not exist! You do not exist! (The lights and sounds slowly die away along with the DOCTOR'S echoing words...) DOCTOR: (Echoes.) Not exist...not exist...not exist...not exist...not exist...not exist...not exist...not exist...not exist...not exist...not exist. (...as the DOCTOR'S hands leave his face. He gasps and looks exhausted by the struggle. He sees that BELLAL is crouched in a corner and moaning to himself. He rushes over to help him.) DOCTOR: Alright, old chap. It's all over now. It's alright. It's all over. That's it. (He sees that BELLAL seems transfixed by something...) DOCTOR: What is it? BELLAL: Look... (BELLAL points to where an entrance is fading into view on one of the walls. Beyond it can be seen the control room and the Exxilon before the monitor screen. The two walk into the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. CITY. CONTROL ROOM (NIGHT) (The DOCTOR catches sight of the watcher and puts out a hand to stop BELLAL from going any further. They jump back slightly as the Exxilon suddenly starts to slump in his seat and fades away into dust. The watcher was nothing but a centuries old corpse. The two intruders walk forward and the DOCTOR examines the pile of dust which covers the seat.) DOCTOR: Our entrance must have created a current of air which broke the surface tension. (BELLAL looks over the rest of the room. Next to a series of wall panels is a console with a number of transparent boxes of controls on it.) BELLAL: This is the brain of the city? DOCTOR: The brain and the nervous system which we've go to destroy. (The DOCTOR starts to look over the wall panels.) BELLAL: Doctor, the city defies all attempts to destroy it. We can't end its power. DOCTOR: I think I know a way. (He pulls out circuit boards from the wall and, putting them on the console, starts to work on them. BELLAL watches for a moment and then starts to look over the rest of the room. He crosses to an alcove wherein are two small raised platforms. A sound has started in the room as if the city is about to take defensive action. Looking round, BELLAL fails to see that the two platforms are glowing with a red light. He then turns and sees the pulsing glow.) BELLAL: Doctor - here! DOCTOR: Mmm, what is it? BELLAL: Doctor, come here! (The DOCTOR sighs and puts down a tool with which he is working on the boards. He joins BELLAL.) DOCTOR: What is it? BELLAL: Look! (He indicates the platforms on which the outlines of two bi-pedal beings are starting to form.) DOCTOR: We haven't got much time. BELLAL: What is it? What's happening? DOCTOR: The city is creating antibodies. They're trying to neutralise us. Now keep a very close eye on them. Let me know the moment they're complete. (He returns to his circuit board and frantically resumes work.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. EXXILON. CITY (NIGHT) (On the outside of the city...) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. CITY. COLUMN BASE (NIGHT) (...GALLOWAY and PETER HAMILTON have reached the base of the column which supports the flashing light. High up, in a howling wind, they hold onto the column for support. They have to shout over the sound of the wind...) PETER HAMILTON: (Shouts.) If we set the charges on this main support, that should be close enough. (GALLOWAY nods and hands one of the charges to PETER who sets the timer and clamps the red box to the side of the column. GALLOWAY picks up the second charge.) PETER HAMILTON: (Shouts.) Right, set the detonator! (GALLOWAY hesitates and looks down at the charge.) PETER HAMILTON: (Shouts.) Well let me do it. DAN GALLOWAY: (Shouts.) No. PETER HAMILTON: (Shouts.) Look, that Dalek down there can see every move we make! Now give me the charge! DAN GALLOWAY: (Shouts.) One charge is enough to damage the beacon. This one we keep. [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. EXXILON (NIGHT) (The patrolling DALEK glides up to the group of encamped Exxilons.) DALEK: Work to commence at dawn. Move! Move! (They groan and mutter as they move off to obey. The DALEK glides up to where JILL has covered herself with a number of empty bags as she sleeps.) DALEK: Move! Move! (There is no response. The DALEK moves back the bags but JILL is not under them. The DALEK immediately starts to twitch and turn on the spot in a panic...) DALEK: Human female has escaped! I have failed! Female prisoner has escaped! I have failed! I have failed! Self destruct! I have failed - destruct! I have failed - destruct! Failed! Failed! Failed! (Its voice dies away as its eye, arm and gun drop. It falls silent and dead.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. CITY. CONTROL ROOM (The DOCTOR is working as fast as he can on the circuit boards. BELLAL watches the forms which are now almost complete. They are crude, unfinished beings covered in the basics of grey clothing. The skin on their faces resembles burnt and decaying flesh. Their arms drop and they flex their hands.) BELLAL: Doctor! I think you should come now! DOCTOR: Yes, alright, I've nearly finished. (BELLAL scurries over to him, therefore failing to see the two antibodies stepping off their respective platforms.) BELLAL: But what are you doing? DOCTOR: Psychological warfare - I'm trying to destroy the city's brain. Engineer what in human terms is called a nervous breakdown. (He slots on the circuit boards back in the wall.) BELLAL: Can it be done? (He returns to the second circuit board. Behind them, the two antibodies approach them.) DOCTOR: The computer is a machine of logic, Bellal, it cannot stand paradoxes. The brain ..... (His words are cut out as he and BELLAL are grabbed by the antibodies on their shoulders and are pushed to one side of the room away from the control panels.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. CITY. ANTECHAMBER (The two DALEKS glide through the antechamber...) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. CITY. CONTROL ROOM (...and into the control room where they see the struggle.) SECOND DALEK: Halt. (The two antibodies turn to face the new arrivals.) SECOND DALEK: Stay where you are - do not move. (The two creatures start to stagger towards the DALEKS.) SECOND DALEK: Halt! Halt! (The DOCTOR and BELLAL use the diversion to scurry away. The DALEKS start to pump bullet after bullet into the antibodies but they are unaffected. As the DOCTOR and BELLAL run out of the room, the lights in the city start to dim and flare. Meanwhile, one of the creatures grabs a DALEK gun and wrenches it out of the casing, tearing the weapon to pieces.) SECOND DALEK: Halt or you will be exterminated! Assist! Assist! (The two antibodies start to pound blow after blow onto the two DALEKS.) SECOND DALEK: Exxilon mutants must be exterminated! Alert! Evacuate! Evacuate! Evacuate! [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. CITY. SECOND CORRIDOR (The entire city is affected by the DOCTOR'S sabotage and its lights dim and flare. He and BELLAL have reached the corridor which contains the electrified floor pattern. They run towards it but BELLAL stops.) BELLAL: The floor! DOCTOR: It should be safe now - come on! (They tear across it and down the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. CITY. CONTROL ROOM (The battle between the DALEKS and the antibodies continues. The DALEK left with the gun fires a series of one-off useless shots.) SECOND DALEK: Alert! Alert! Evacuate! Evacuate! Evacuate! Retire to city entrance! (The weaponless DALEK glides out of the control room and the other glides backwards after him, its gun raised and a level of panic in its voice...) SECOND DALEK: Faster! Faster! I will cover you! I will cover you! Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! (It fires several shots at and into the antibodies.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. CITY. SECOND CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR and BELLAL run round a corner to where there is a door panel which jerks up and down.) BELLAL: Look! DOCTOR: Well the controls are beginning to break down - it's working. Come on. (They duck under the doorway and run along the corridor. A moment later, the two escaping DALEKS glide round the same corner and one of them runs straight into the malfunctioning door as it rises and falls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EXT. CITY WALL (All other doors in the city behave the same way. The DOCTOR and BELLAL run under the door with the maze and the entrance door with the symbols and into the outside where it is now daylight. They stop to get their breath.) BELLAL: I never thought we would escape. DOCTOR: Well the battle's not over yet. If I know the Daleks, then they'll do everything they can to stop that Earth mission ship from getting away. Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. EXXILON. SHIP LANDING SITE (PETER and GALLOWAY return to the DALEK ship from their task with their DALEK guard. They walk up to a waiting DALEK.) FIRST DALEK: Report. SECOND DALEK: Explosive device in position. Detonation will occur shortly and power circuits will be restored. FIRST DALEK: Prepare for immediate take-off. The prisoners will load the parrinium aboard our ship. PETER HAMILTON: Where is the girl you were holding? Where's Jill? FIRST DALEK: She escaped during darkness. Now our work is complete, she is of no consequence. SECOND DALEK: You will load the parrinium - move! (With GALLOWAY concealing the bomb in his tunic, the two men move to where a number of sacks lie outside the DALEK ship. They start to pick them up and carry them into the craft. Nearby, the DOCTOR and BELLAL step out from behind a rock and watch events.) DOCTOR: They're getting ready to leave. BELLAL: And we are powerless to stop them. DOCTOR: Yes, if I know the Daleks, they'll cause the maximum havoc and destruction before they go. BELLAL: Why? DOCTOR: It's their scorched planet policy. (Behind them, SARAH and JILL step out from behind a rock.) SARAH: (Delighted.) Doctor! (The DOCTOR shushes her to silence and runs over to them.) SARAH: (Relieved.) Oh! DOCTOR: How did it go? SARAH: Oh, we've just come...from the Earth mission ship. It's all set for take-off the moment we get full power. DOCTOR: Good. JILL TARRANT: But I can't handle the ship. We must free Peter and Lieutenant Galloway. DOCTOR: Well that's not going to be so easy. Come over here and see for yourself, come on. (The DOCTOR leads them back to their place of observation and points to where the two men are loading more bags into the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. DALEK SHIP (Within the darkened interior, they put these bags down and PETER checks his watch.) PETER HAMILTON: This is it...five seconds...four...three...two...one... [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. CITY (The charge at the base of the column explodes, sending the edifice crashing down onto the top of the city.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. DALEK SHIP (The lights within the DALEK ship suddenly come to life and the heartbeat sound of DALEK technology reverberates round the cramped control chamber. A DALEK turns and reports to another.) DALEK: All power restored. [SCENE_BREAK] 34: EXT. EXXILON. SHIP LANDING SITE JILL TARRANT: The beacon! They've destroyed the beacon! (Their attention caught by the sight, the four don't see two approaching DALEKS.) FIRST DALEK: Move! Move! (SARAH sighs and she, JILL and BELLAL look at a rueful DOCTOR. They then carry out the command and move over to the two DALEKS. They join PETER as all but one of the DALEKS enters the ship. This one turns to face the five. A terrified BELLAL cringes against SARAH.) DOCTOR: Well, don't prolong the agony. It's obvious you mean to kill us. Why don't you get on with it? DALEK: It is not necessary. You will perish with the rest of the creatures. DOCTOR: Well what had you in mind? DALEK: We have all the parrinium we need. With it, we can force the space powers to accede to our demands. If they do, millions of people on the outer planets will perish. (The noise of the ship's engines starts to rise...) PETER HAMILTON: Don't you think Earth will send another mission? Now that the power barrier has been broken, we can have another ship here in less than a month. DOCTOR: I imagine the Daleks have already taken that into account, Peter. DALEK: Correct. (The DALEK starts to back into the ship, speaking as it goes.) DALEK: When our ship is in space, we will fire a plague missile on to the surface of this planet. The plague will destroy... [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. DALEK SHIP DALEK: ...all life and make further landings here impossible! (With the DALEK fully within the ship, the external door glides down shut.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: EXT. EXXILON. SHIP LANDING SITE PETER HAMILTON: (Shouts.) Galloway, for God's sake, use the bombs! DOCTOR: (Shouts.) Come on, get out of here quick or we'll be caught in the exhaust blast! Come on, out! (He harries the four away.) DOCTOR: Come on, quick - move! (They duck behind rocks. The DALEK ship rises into the air. Once safely out of range, the five come out of cover and watch it go.) SARAH: Well, it's not much consolation but at least they don't have the parrinium. DOCTOR: (Puzzled.) What do you mean? (SARAH realises that she hasn't told the DOCTOR of her and JILL'S success.) SARAH: Oh, of course! Well, the Daleks have only got bags of sand. Jill and I loaded to real parrinium aboard the Earth ship. (Meanwhile, JILL and PETER carry on watching the ship leave.) PETER HAMILTON: I should never have trusted Galloway. Had one of the Dalek bombs - could have stopped them with it, damaged their ship. If I knew where he was... [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. DALEK SHIP (A DALEK monitors the control panel.) SECOND DALEK: We are free of planet's atmosphere. FIRST DALEK: Prepare to launch plague missile. SECOND DALEK: I obey. (It glides out of the control area and past an alcove where the boxes and bags of parrinium have been stored. GALLOWAY is hidden behind these with the bomb. He picks it up and sets the detonator. He then presses the main switch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: EXT. DALEK SHIP (In the skies above Exxilon, the DALEK ship explodes...) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. DALEK SHIP (...killing GALLOWAY and all aboard...) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: EXT. DALEK SHIP (...as the ship is rendered into pieces.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: EXT. EXXILON (The five on the surface watch.) PETER HAMILTON: (Quietly.) Galloway... JILL TARRANT: He must have hidden away when we put the bags on board. DOCTOR: Well, he did his duty. Now you must do yours. Get that parrinium to where it's needed. SARAH: Doctor - look! (The DOCTOR runs to her. She points across the planet's surface.) SARAH: Look at the city! [SCENE_BREAK] 42: EXT. CITY (The Exxilon city is literally melting away. Its terraces and columns dissolve and fall to pieces as it is deprived of the enormous reserves of power needed for its survival. Almost a living being, sounds like cries emanate from the dying structure as it becomes a formless mass on the surface of the planet.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: EXT. EXXILON (SARAH watches in wonder. She looks up at the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: That's rather a pity in a way. Now the universe is down to six hundred and ninety-nine wonders...

Plan: A: the City's defences; Q: What do the Doctor and Bellal continue to penetrate? A: the Daleks; Q: Who are Sarah and Jill trying to stop? A: the parrinium; Q: What are the Daleks trying to leave with? Summary: The Doctor and Bellal continue to penetrate the City's defences while Sarah and Jill try to stop the Daleks leaving with the parrinium.

[Scene: A day care centre. Children and their parents are there playing games and having fun. Wyatt is sitting in the corner of the room all by himself. Piper is near by talking to a woman.] Woman: All I'm saying is that you're way behind with little Wyatt. You really should have applied before this. Piper: Yeah, well, you know, he's not even a year old yet. Woman: So? I had my Jake signed up for "Mommy and Me" when I was still pregnant with him. Piper: Really? You can do that? Woman: Oh, absolutely. In fact, I'm surprised that they let you sign up this late because everybody wants to get in here because it gets you into Adlebery pre-school which is a feeder for Hoskins Elementary, and Bentley Middle School. (She looks over at Wyatt.) Doesn't have any siblings, does he? Piper: Uh, no. How did you know? Woman: Because he doesn't play well with others. Oh, don't worry about it, it's a common problem among only children. All the more reason to start developing their social skills early. First things pre-schools look for, you know. Piper: Yeah, well, that's why we're here. (Phoebe and Paige walk in.) Excuse me. (Piper goes over to them.) Hi, thanks for coming. Phoebe: Oh, of course, you know, anything for our little nephew. What exactly are we doing for our little nephew? Piper: Showing family support. They look for that, especially when the father's not around a lot. Phoebe: What are you talking about? Leo's around all the time. Piper: Yeah, for Wyatt, but he won't be for the school, he can't be. (Piper dials a number on her cell phone.) What are you doing? Put that thing down. Paige: I'm trying to get a hold of Richard, I can't find him. Piper: Yeah, well, you've been trying to call Richard for the last couple of days, maybe you should give it a rest. Paige: I know, but I'm just afraid he's off on some magical freak out or something, you know, and I just wanna be able to help him. Phoebe: Maybe he just needs a little time alone. Paige: It just makes me question whether or not I can even save an innocent if I can't save my boyfriend. No offence. Phoebe: Oh, no, don't worry about it, I'm over it. Paige: Jason? Phoebe: Yeah, when you get to be my age, you can't spend the time crying over spilled milk, you know? Paige: Your age? Phoebe: Yeah, the whole biological clock thing. It's very real and it's echoing. Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick. Piper: Okay, neurotic people, can we get back to my neurosis right now, please? Phoebe: Sure. Which one were we talking about? Piper: The one where I'm a rotten mother who's raising an anti-social child. Paige: Oh, that is ridiculous, and not true. (Paige dials a number on her phone.) Piper: Is it? He doesn't have any friends, Phoebe. You and I had each other when we were growing up, but he doesn't have anybody, he's all alone. Paige: Hey, I was all alone. Piper: Yeah, but you didn't know you had powers, so it was safe for you to have friends. Your mother didn't have to worry about if you were gonna orb out during a play date or something. Phoebe: Piper, do you think you're overreacting a little? (Wyatt orbs out.) Piper: No. [Cut to the manor. Wyatt is standing at the bottom of the stairs. He watches a door appear in the wall halfway up the stairs. Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in.] Piper: You can not keep doing this, sweetie, really. (Phoebe picks Wyatt up. Paige notices the door.) Paige: Oh, guys? Phoebe: Oh, what the... Oh, this is not good. Voice: (behind door) Help! Piper: Orb him out of here. Go. (Phoebe hands Wyatt to Paige and she orbs out. The door opens and a bald man with glasses, and wearing a black robe walks out.) Man: Oh, thank god you're home. (Suddenly, the headless horseman appears behind the man and slices off his head with a long sword. The door slams shut.) Piper: What the hell was that? (They see the man's head on the stairs.) Man: That was the headless horseman. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Phoebe places the man's head on a table. She straightens his glasses.] Phoebe: Okay. Man: You're very kind. Phoebe: Yeah, can I just ask you one question? How are you still talking? Man: Yes, well, fair question. Uh, fortunately the rest of me is still at magic school, otherwise I'd be... Piper: I'm sorry, magic school? Man: Yes, that's right. Anyway, as I was saying, uh, as long as my body remains on grounds, I can't, uh, well, you know, die. It's all part of the magic thankfully. Piper: Like the doorway in the middle of my stairway. Man: Sorry, I didn't know where else to put it, it's the only way in or out of the school, I had to reach you somehow. Phoebe: Do you have a name? Man: Sigmund. But I'm afraid we don't have much time for pleasantries. I really need to get you back before he strikes again. Piper: The headless horseman. Sigmund: Right. Piper: Fabulous. (Paige and Leo orb in.) Where's Wyatt? Paige: He's upstairs in his room. I thought I should bring Le... Oh my god, and apparently I was right. Sigmund: Leo! Oh, so good to see you again. Leo: Sigmund, what happened? Phoebe: Wait, you guys know each other? Sigmund: Gideon sent me for your help, all your help. Paige: Gideon. Who's Gideon? And who are you? Piper: Alright, all you people with legs follow me. Phoebe: (to Sigmund) You wait here. Sigmund: Hurry. (Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo walk away from Sigmund.) Piper: Just so you know, this is what's keeping your son from developing social skills. Paige: And me from helping Richard. Phoebe: And me from helping... me. Leo: What? Piper: I'm talking about our lives. We can't just drop what we're doing every time someone's head comes rolling down the stairs. Leo: I don't believe you're saying this. You don't understand, this isn't supposed to happen. Magic school is supposed to be protected from evil. It's the only way Gideon can teach magic to the next generation, Wyatt's generation. Piper: I think Wyatt is more concerned with nursery school right now then magic school. Leo: Are you sure? Paige said he orbed back in front of the door. He was drawn to it. Phoebe: Okay, you know what? I think we should help the magic school, because we can't just keep that head on our foyer table, you know? What is it, a centre-piece? Piper: Okay, fine, but we can't take Wyatt, sorry. Leo: Alright, I'll get Chris to watch him. Piper: What? After everything he's done? No, I don't think so. Leo: He was just trying to protect Wyatt. Paige: Oh, please. Leo: Look, I think his intentions are good. He deserves another chance. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Stairs. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo open the door to the magic school and walk in. Piper is carrying a pillow case. They see Sigmond's body laying on the floor. Piper looks inside the pillow case.] Piper: Um, are you sure you can breathe in there alright? Sigmund: Yes, I... (The door slams shut.) We must move quickly. Piper: Alright. Sigmund: Just step around it, someone will be along for it shortly. (They look around and see a very, very long hallway.) Paige: Wow, impressive. Piper: How long is this hallway? Sigmund: No one really knows. It's endless. Piper: Great. Paige: So how are we gonna find this dude Gideon, anyway? Leo: He's not a dude, he's an Elder, my old mentor, actually. Piper: Really? You've never mentioned him before. Leo: We met a long time ago when I first became a Whitelighter. He helped me out, took me under his wing. He actually fought for us to get married, to break the rules. Piper: Really? (A wolf appears behind them. Phoebe looks around.) Phoebe: Okay, I don't want to freak anybody out but there is a wolf following us. Paige: What? (They look behind them and see nothing.) Phoebe: There was a wolf following us, I swear. Sigmund: Not everyone sees the same things here, Phoebe, only what they're meant to see. Phoebe: Who you got in there, Confucius? (A student levitates past while reading a book.) Okay, you all saw that, right? Sigmund: Eleventh grade levitation. She's late. We should keep moving, the great hall is just ahead. (They walk further down the hallway and reach a large wooden door. It opens up and they walk inside the room.) Gideon's Voice: Leo, good, thanks for coming. Although I do wish it was under better circumstances. Leo: Gideon. Gideon's Voice: And the Charmed Ones. Lovely to see you again. Although you probably don't remember meeting me, you were just little girls. Piper: Leo. (Piper hands Leo Sigmund's head in the pillow case.) Leo: Gideon, I do believe your invisibility shield is still up. (Gideon becomes visible as he pulls off his hood.) Gideon: I'm sorry, I'm just a little distracted with everything that's been going on around here. Piper: Yes, we heard. (Leo puts Sigmund's head on a table.) Gideon: Sigmund, oh, I'm so sorry. Sigmund: It's alright, sir. It didn't stop me from delivering the message now, did it? Phoebe: Okay, would somebody please tell me what's going on here? Gideon: Always were a restless one, just like your Grams. Well, it all started innocently enough actually. Pranks really. Setting rats loose from the Pied Piper, turning the north dawn into a gingerbread house. Kids. Leo: And then... Gideon: And then someone cast a spell that brought forth the darkness, and days became nights, nights became terror, and the headless horseman has roamed the campus ever since, targeting teachers. Sigmund: Forgive me, sir. Perhaps you'd like to orb me over to the other heads. Gideon: Right. Good thinking. Sigmund: Nice to meet you. Phoebe: You too, dude. (Gideon orbs Sigmund's head out of the room.) Paige: So what you're saying is somebody's trying to shut down the school by cutting off teacher's heads. Gideon: What else would it be? What better way for evil to gain an upper hand than to fought the next generation. Piper: Isn't it as simple as finding who conjured the horseman and reversing the magic? Gideon: Yes, except that no student possesses that level of magic, at least they're not supposed to. That's why I believe that a demon from the outside has somehow corrupted one of them into doing his bidding. Paige: So you find the student, you find the evil, right? Gideon: True, except you find much more than that here, Paige. The answers you each seek can be found within these grounds. You merely have to be open to them. Teaching will help you find the student in question, but it will also remind you of what you fear you have lost. Investigating our nursery school will help you with your worries over Wyatt. (to Phoebe) And if you follow the wolf, she will lead you where you want to go, but be careful. The deeper you look, the more you will discover and the better chance you will have of saving all this. (Gideon walks away and vanishes.) [Time lapse. Paige and a female teacher are walking down a hallway. They are both wearing long black coats.] Paige: Who does he think he is? Obi-Wan Kenobi? How could I be afraid of losing something if I don't know what I've lost. Teacher: Maybe that's why he wants you to take over Sigmund's class, so you can remember. Paige: Remember what? Teacher: Your gift perhaps. Now, whatever you do be strong, don't let them intimidate you. This may be advanced magic but they're still just kids. (She pushes Paige into the room. Inside the room are a bunch of teenagers laughing at another teenager who is floating up in the air. He is kicking his legs around, trying to get down. Paige closes the door and the teenagers turn around.) Boy #1: Help! Stop it! Paige: Oh my gosh. (They boy falls to the floor. Paige rushes to his side.) Are you okay? (He pulls away.) Boy #1: I'm fine. Boy #2: Telepathy isn't the coolest power now, is it, Zac? No. Paige: Did you do that? Excuse me, I'm talking to you. Boy #2: Yeah, so what if I did? Paige: What's your name? Boy #2: Quentin. (The class giggles.) Paige: What's so funny? (A boy walks in, identical to Boy #2.) Boy #3: What? Thanks a lot, Slick, get me in trouble why don't you. (Boy #2 shapeshifts into a different boy.) Slick: What's the matter, teach? You seem a little outta sorts. Paige: Me? No, I'm perfectly fine. (Another boy waves his hand and an apple appears in Paige's hand.) Thank you. You're a conjurer. Slick: Yeah. And I'd watch your pretty little neck if I was you. [Cut to a hallway. Phoebe is there creeping down the hallway.] Phoebe: Here wolfy, wolfy, wolfy, wolfy. Come on. I know you're here somewhere. Here wolfy, wolfy, wolfy, wolfy. (The wolf appears and growls.) Oh, hi, hi, sweet wolfy. Okay, you don't have to attack me because Gideon sent me. (The wolf runs off.) Where are you going? (She chases after it.) [Cut to a cave. A small fire burns in the centre of the cave. The wolf stands beside the fire. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Come on. (The wolf bursts into flames and turns into a woman.) Neat trick. Can you shapeshift into the headless horseman as well? Woman: I'm a shaman, not a shapeshifter. The wolf is merely a projection of your quest, a symbol. Phoebe: Fascinating. You didn't answer my question. Shaman: Do you really think I lured you out here just to kill you, Phoebe? You have the power of premonition, but it's unreliable. Especially lately. I can help you see your future more clearly. If you're willing to take the risk. [Cut to nursery school. Piper and Leo are there watching little kids playing together with magic.] Piper: I don't know what the hell Gideon was talking about, 'cause this is certainly not what I'm looking for. Leo: Still, Wyatt doesn't have to hide his powers. Plus, he's not gonna be all alone. Piper: No, he'll be surrounded by all the other freaks. Leo: They're not freaks. Piper: You know what I mean. I just want Wyatt to have a normal up bringing. At least as normal as possible. Is that too much to ask for? Leo: I don't know. Maybe. Piper: Well, we're not shopping for preschools, we're shopping for head hunters. So where is... (A teacher walks in with a little girl.) Teacher: Sorry, a little emergency. Go ahead. (The girl joins the other kids.) Now, where were we? Piper: You were telling us about your near miss with the headless... Teacher: Shhh. Don't want to scare the little ones. They may have powers but they're still innocent. Leo: How'd you get away? Teacher: I astral projected. Confused him, I guess, by creating two of me, thank god. Piper: Um, are you suggesting that one of these kids might be... Teacher: Involved? Oh, dear, no, no, never. Leo: Why would you be a target? Teacher: These children are the cradle of good magic, its entire future. Without proper guidance, nurturing, they can easily be turned. Piper: Evil? Teacher: Yeah. (They hear a siren.) Leo: What's that? [Cut to the great hall. Students are running around the place. Piper, Leo and Gideon run in.] Leo: Anybody hurt? Gideon: Not yet. (Paige runs in.) Paige: You guys okay? Gideon: Paige, you're a teacher now, you need to be careful. Leo: Come on, I'll take you back. Piper: Wait. (The headless horseman appears behind Piper.) Paige: Piper! (Piper turns around and the headless horseman slices off her head with his sword. Her head drops to the floor. The headless horseman disappears.) Piper: Great. Just great. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Paige and Leo are there. Leo places Piper's head on top of a cabinet.] Piper: Ow. Easy, easy. Ow, easy, watch the hair. Leo: Sorry. Paige: You doing okay up there, honey? Piper: Actually, I feel a little woozy. Leo: Well, maybe it's because we have you up to high. Are you sure you don't want me to move you down lower? Piper: No, I don't Wyatt to see me like this, he will freak out. Paige: Well, you know, on the plus side, this is a great way for Wyatt to get out and socialise. Piper: If I had legs I would kick you. (She looks at a spiky plant sitting beside her head.) Could you move this for me, please? (Leo points to it.) Yeah. (Leo takes the plant off of the cabinet.) Paige: You know, maybe I should just go upstairs and check the book and see if there's a spell that can fix us. Piper: Or we can find the little child that conjured the horseman and vanquish it. Leo: You think that would reverse the spell? Piper: I'm hoping. Paige: Yeah, I keep getting this weird feeling that it's one of the students in my class. Leo: Why? Paige: Because who better to turn than one of the most powerful kids there. Leo: What do you suggest? Paige: I think we should bring them here. Piper: What? Paige: Yeah, if we get them away from the school, they can't conjure the horseman. That way we keep them here long enough to figure out who it is. Leo: I say it's not a bad idea since you're targets now. Piper: Uh-oh. Phoebe. Leo: I'll go get her. Piper: No. I do not want Wyatt to have two headless parents. Send Chris. [Cut to Wyatt's room. Chris and a robed man are there. The robed man is standing over Wyatt's crib with a bright light pouring out of his hands. Paige and Leo walk into the room. The robed man shimmers out.] Leo: What the hell is going on? Chris: Wait, I can explain. (Leo rushes over to Wyatt.) Leo: Are you okay, buddy? Paige: What was he doing? Chris: Nothing. I mean, nothing bad, I swear. Paige: Nothing bad? He's a demon. Chris: But he wasn't hurting him, I promise. Wyatt's shield wasn't even up. Leo: I trusted you, I vouched for you. Chris: Look, just let me explain. Leo: Get out of here. Chris: Paige, please. Leo: Now! (Chris orbs out.) Paige: Is he okay? Leo: Yeah, I think so. Listen, I'm gonna take him up there where it's safe. Do you mind... Paige: Getting Phoebe? No, not at all. I just hope there's all of her to get. (Leo picks up Wyatt.) [Scene: Cave. Phoebe and the shaman are there.] Phoebe: So if you're so innocent, why are you hiding out? Shaman: I'm protecting myself. Phoebe: From what? You're a student. The bad guys are only after the teachers, right? Shaman: I'm not protecting my body, I'm protecting my powers. I sensed someone trying to invade mine, to use them for themselves. Phoebe: How do I know you're telling the truth? Shaman: You're an empath, you tell me. Phoebe: I can't tell. Shaman: It's because you're conflicted, questioning your own magic, your very future. It's affecting your powers. Phoebe: I'm not questioning my future. Okay, maybe just a little bit. But how do you know that? Shaman: The wolf is a pack handle, but constantly searching for something she craves. (She dips a cup into a pot and stands up.) But cannot find. Seeing it means you're searching too. Drink this, take the vision quest. There you will find the answers we both seek. Phoebe: I'm not drinking that. Shaman: No? Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. (Phoebe drinks from the cup. She has a vision. In the vision, Phoebe walks down the manor stairs. A demon appears and throws a fireball. She ducks and throws him across the room. Another demon appears and grabs her from behind. She flips him over and he disappears. Another demon falls from the roof and pulls Phoebe to the floor as he lands. The vision ends and Phoebe falls to the ground of the cave.) Phoebe: Ow! (Phoebe looks at a cut on her shoulder.) You didn't tell me I could get hurt on this vision quest. Shaman: You didn't ask. The vision is of your future, Phoebe, it's no less real than anything else. Phoebe: And no less dangerous. Great. More demons in my future, it's exactly what I wanted. Shaman: But are there anymore beyond the light? That's what you really wanna see, isn't it? (Paige orbs in.) Paige: There you are, I've been looking all over for you, Pheebs. (Paige sees the cut on Phoebe's shoulder.) Are you okay? What happened? The horseman? Phoebe: No, uh, my inner demons, apparently. Paige: Well, it's good to see at least you have your head, unlike Piper. Phoebe: What? Paige: Yeah, the horseman got her. But, you know, she's doing pretty good considering the circumstances. A little grumpier than normal, but hey. Anyway, you really should get out of here before, you know, you get chopped. Phoebe: I think I should stay here. Paige: Why? Phoebe: Because Gideon put me on this path for a reason. And I believe that there are answers here. I'll be okay, and you know where to find me if you need me. Paige: Okay, but remember that she's a suspect too. (Paige orbs out.) Shaman: Ready to try again? [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper's head is still sitting on the cabinet. She hears a door open and voices.] Piper: What's that? Who is that? (Paige and her class walk out of the magic school door.) Paige: Don't worry, it's just me and some of the more unusual suspects. Zac: Wait, you think one of us is responsible? Slick: What, you didn't know she thought that? What kind of telepath are you, anyway? (He pushes him.) Zac: Stop picking on me. Slick: Yeah? Or what? Paige: Alright, guys, knock it off. You're in my house. Boy #4: The Halliwell manor. I don't believe it. It's just like in the text. Quentin: It looks like my Grandma's house. Paige: Alright, alright, move it along, people. Let's go, other room. (Paige closes the door to the magic school. Everyone walks into the conservatory.) Alright, is everybody here? Boy #4: Yes, ma'am. Quentin: (coughs) Kiss ass. (Everyone laughs.) Piper: Hey, watch your mouth. Boy #4: Whoa, it's Piper Halliwell. Slick: Yeah, but only part of her. And not the good part either. Paige: Slick. Piper: Can it. Paige: Okay, here's the deal, people. We know that one of you is behind this. So nobody is going to leave here until we figure out who it is. (They all moan.) So far nobody has gotten killed. Piper: Not yet, anyway. Paige: So far this has just been a really stupid prank. So please, let's not let it go any further than that. Zac: Is Gideon gonna shut down the school? Paige: Not unless he's forced to. Quentin: Why don't you start with the conjurer? Boy #4: Me? What about you, Quinton? You're the Sleepy Hollow buff. Zac: Yeah, but Slick's the shapeshifter. Slick: Hey, screw you, Zachary. Paige: Wait, you guys, just stop it. Slick: Seriously, why don't you just admit that you did it. (Paige looks around and sees Chris near by.) Zac: I would never do anything to harm a Charmed One. Slick: You're passing the blame like it's going out of style. Paige: (to Piper) I'll be right back. Piper: Where are you going? (Paige walks into the kitchen where Chris is.) Paige: What are you doing here? Chris: I need your help. Paige: My help? That's rich with what you pulled. Listen, I have enough juvenile delinquents to take care of. Thanks. (She turns to leave but Chris stops her.) Chris: Hey, please, just hear me out. I'm running out of time. Paige: What's that supposed to mean? Chris: Exactly that. Don't you see that's the only reason why I went to the demon. He can scan for evil. And maybe figure out who's gonna turn Wyatt since we haven't been able to. Paige: Okay, you're not making any sense. Chris: Paige, listen to me. I need you to trust me. And I need you to get Piper and Leo to trust me too, before it's too late. (They hear the kids scream in the other room.) Voice: The headless horseman! Piper: Paige! (Paige and Chris run into the conservatory.) Paige: What happened? (The headless horseman runs around the room swinging his sword. The conservatory doors open and he gallops outside.) Is everyone alright? Boy #4: I think so. Piper: Head count. No jokes, just do it. (to Chris) What are you doing here? Chris: Just trying to help. Paige: They're all here. (Gideon walks out of the magic school door.) Gideon: I heard the alarm. What's this doing open? Paige: One of the students must have opened it without my seeing. Gideon: And the horseman? Chris: Gone. Out those doors. Gideon: You have to stop him. Paige: Okay, well, we have to figure out... Gideon: No, you don't understand. People in the outside aren't protected like we are at school. They'll die. Paige: Then we need Phoebe. Chris: I'll get her. (Chris runs into the magic school.) Gideon: But you can't wait for her. You have to go after the horseman now. Paige: By myself? No. I can't vanquish him. Gideon: You don't have to. All you have to do is lead him back to the school, so that at least nobody will be killed. Don't make your concerns about Richard, make you question yourself. You can do this, I'll help you. (He takes her hand and they orb out. Slick starts to walk away.) Piper: Ah-ah-ah. Where are you going? (He looks at her.) Don't give me that look. I still got a mouth, I can turn you into a toad. [Scene: Alley. Night. Two men are there. One is running away from the other. The one chasing shoots a gun and the man running away drops a bag. The man with the gun stops and searches through the bag. The headless horseman appears and chops off the man's head. Paige and Gideon orb in. The headless horseman runs down the alley. Gideon waves his hand and a door appears. The headless horseman runs into the door and the door disappears.] Paige: Well, at least we got him back. Gideon: Not soon enough I'm afraid. The death of an innocent means the death of magic school. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Paige and Gideon walk in through the front door.] Paige: I don't understand why the horseman targeted him. And why did he pass up so many others along the way? Gideon: Granted it could've been a lot worse but it doesn't change my mind. Paige: The police said he was a killer, Gideon. Gideon: It doesn't make it right. Paige: No, it doesn't make it right but you shouldn't shut down the school because of it. We have the horseman contained, now we just need to find... Gideon: It's too late. The damage has already been done. When I started this school I made a promise that the magic within would never harm a soul, otherwise... (The hear a toad croaking. They look in the conservatory and see a toad sitting on the floor.) Paige: Piper, are you okay? Piper: Hunky-dory. Paige: (to Gideon) You, come with me. Piper: Anybody else wanna try me? [Cut to the kitchen. Paige and Gideon walk in.] Paige: Leo! Gideon: What do you want him for? Paige: Reinforcements. (Leo orbs in.) Leo: What's going on? Paige: You have to talk him out of closing down the magic school. Gideon: Someone let the horseman out, Leo. He killed a man. Leo: Why? Gideon: Why else? To force my hand. Paige: If you let whoever's behind this win, all those kids are gonna lose. Is that what you want? Gideon: Of course not. But... Paige: But what? Big deal, you have one bad apple. Just give us the time to flush him out to save the next generations of magic. Gideon: I know. But the rules. Paige: Screw the rules. Listen, you are the one who talked me into doing this, you are the one who said I could do it, so don't give up on me now, please. Just let us finish the job that we started. Tell him, Leo. Leo: I think you just did. [Cut to the conservatory. The toad turns back into Slick.] Piper: Next time I give you warts. (The room freezes.) Hey, who did that? Where did you come from? (An arm reaches for Piper's head and grabs her by the hair.) Hey, hey, ow. Paige! (By the time Paige, Leo and Gideon run in, Piper's head is gone.) Paige: Piper? Oh my god. Piper! Gideon: The door's still closed. Leo: The kids are frozen. Gideon: Piper must have done it. Paige: Without hands? I don't think so. Leo: Someone from the outside? Paige: That's impossible, we got here too fast. It has to be one of them. Gideon: The students? No, they don't possess that kind of power. Besides, they're frozen. Paige: Then one of them's faking it. (They look closely at the kids.) [Scene: Cave. Phoebe and the Shaman are there. Phoebe falls to the ground.] Phoebe: Ow. Okay, you know what? Enough already. Shaman: Every journey requires a sacrifice. Phoebe: My whole life is about sacrifice. If that's all my future holds, then I don't wanna see it. Shaman: You're fighting it. Don't. Don't use your powers to get through. They're not working very well, anyway. Just let it come to you. Want it more than anything. (Phoebe drinks from the cup and has a vision. In the vision she walks down the stairs of the manor. She sees a screen of light in the room. A demon throws a fireball and it flies straight through her. The demon dives for Phoebe but lands right through her. She walks towards the screen of light. Two more demons try to attack her, but she ignores them and they pass right through her. She steps into the screen of light and ends up in the conservatory. Two boys are there. One is playing with a Game Boy. Piper walks in.) Piper: Wyatt, let your little brother play with the game too, please. Phoebe: Little brother? (Paige walks in wearing a long black robe.) Paige: Hey, Piper, can you take Phoebe to the doctor instead? I have so many papers to grade. Thank you. (She leaves the room.) Phoebe: The doctor? Piper: Yeah, we need to make sure our little niece is doing okay. (Phoebe looks down to see she is pregnant.) Little Boy: Aunt Phoebe? We need your help. (The vision ends. Chris is there looking at Phoebe.) Chris: Phoebe, can you hear me? We need your help. Are you okay? Phoebe: Uh, I don't know. Am I? Shaman: You tell me. What'd you see? Phoebe: Uh, I saw children, and my child. And a life without demons. Is that even possible? Shaman: With your powers you know by now what is truth and what is not. Embrace those powers again, embrace your path and it will lead you there. Phoebe: You don't know how much you've given me. Shaman: You should go. So you can use your powers to help save our school. [Cut to the manor. Phoebe and Chris walk out of the magic school door.] Paige: Oh, Phoebe, I'm so glad to see you, I was worried. Chris: What's the matter? Didn't you trust me? Leo: Separate subject. Phoebe: How's Piper? Paige: You're not gonna like it. Leo: She's been kidnapped. Phoebe, Chris: What? Paige: That's the bad news. The good news is that she's here, somewhere. Gideon: Well, if one of the students took her, I can't sense which one it is. Phoebe: Maybe I can. Thanks to your wolf. (Phoebe walks over to the frozen kids.) I can sense pain, and anger, a lot of anger, wants revenge. Do any of them hate the high school? Paige: Honey, they're teenagers, they all hate the school. (Paige points to Boy #4.) But he's a conjurer. Phoebe: No, it's not him. (Phoebe turns to Zac.) But who's this guy? Paige: A telepath. Phoebe: Yeah, he's telepathing a whole lot of rage right now. (Zac moves.) Zac: Well, look who just solved the case. Gideon: Zachary? Zac: Surprise. (Zac disappears.) Chris: What happened? Where'd he go? Leo: That wasn't Zachary, that was an astral projection. Gideon: He doesn't have that power. Paige: No, but a teacher here does. And Herman's a conjurer and Piper can freeze. Phoebe: He's using his telepathy to tap into other people's powers. Leo: Where's the real Zachary? Paige: He's at school with Piper. Chris: But why? What does he want with her? [Scene: Magic School. Great Hall. Phoebe and Paige walk in. Piper's head is sitting on a table.] Paige: You don't think he'll kill her, do you? Phoebe: You know what? I have no idea. Paige: He's a smart kid. I just hope he's not luring us here. (The headless horseman appears and chops off Phoebe and Paige's heads. He disappears.) Piper: Mm-hm. (Zac walks in.) Zac: You made me do this, you know. I didn't have a choice. Piper: So, now what are you guys gonna do? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Magic School. Great Hall. Piper, Phoebe and Paige's heads are sitting on a table.] Piper: So who's bright idea was this anyway? Phoebe: We were trying to save you. Piper: Yeah, good job on that one. Phoebe: And who went and got her head stolen? Piper: While you were off contemplating your naval, while you still had one. Paige: Guys, we're not getting anywhere arguing. Piper: Actually, we're not getting anywhere because we don't have any bodies. Phoebe: Okay, look, we said we were sorry. Paige: Can we try looking on the bright side? I mean, you know, we're still alive. Piper: Yeah, only because Zachary can't kill us in here. Paige: I don't think he would if he could, I mean, he practically apologised to us. Phoebe: I think she's right, actually, I didn't sense any anger from him, just a lot of sorrow. Piper: So what, he did this to us just to get us out of the way? To do what? Phoebe: To get revenge on the school. Paige: And Gideon. [Scene: Manor. Leo and Gideon are there. The kids are still frozen.] Gideon: How could I not have seen this? How could I not have sensed his pain? After all these years with him. Leo: It's not your fault, Gideon. Even you can't see everything. Gideon: I should have seen this. I should have focused more on the boy, then on his magic. (Paige walks in through the magic school door.) Paige: We have to get the kids out of here now. Leo: Why? What's the matter? Paige: It's Zachary. He's lost it. Gideon: Orb them out up there. I'll try talking to him. (to Leo) Just go. (Leo orbs out with the kids.) You should leave too. Paige: Why? (Paige shape shifts into Zac.) Zac: After all, I came here for you. (He waves his arm and Gideon flies across the room.) [Cut to the Great Hall.] Paige: You think the spell's gonna work? Piper: Well, now that we know who conjured the horseman, it should. Phoebe: We won't until we summon him. So let's just put our heads together and... You know what I mean, right? (They close their eyes and the headless horseman appears.) Okay, now, now, now. Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "Power of three unite, to end this grisly fright, reverse the rolls and make us whole." (The headless horseman explodes and disappears. Piper, Phoebe and Paige get their bodies back.) Paige: Oh, thank god, it worked. (Phoebe pats her body.) You want me to get you a room? Piper: Let's go, let's go, let's go. [Cut to the manor. Living room. Gideon is laying on the floor with a dagger levitating in front of his neck. Zac is standing in front of him with his arm outstretched.] Gideon: Why take it out on others, Zachary? Why not just come after me? Zac: Because I want you to suffer, Gideon. Like you made me suffer ever since I got here. I want you to see your precious school destroyed. Bit by bit. Gideon: But that doesn't give you the right to kill an innocent. Zac: You scolding me now? You gonna give me a demerit? That wasn't supposed to happen. I just wasn't the sisters out of the way. The horseman's only supposed to hurt evil. Gideon: Evil? You think teachers are evil? Zac: They are when they keep me here against my wishes. They take me away from my family, my home, without even thinking about what I want. Gideon: Why didn't you come to me? Zac: I did, damn it! Every time I snuck out, every time I got in trouble. But you didn't care, you wouldn't listen. Paige: We're listening. (Piper, Phoebe and Paige walk in.) It's okay, we're not gonna hurt you. Phoebe: We're here to help. Gideon: How'd you get out? Piper: Magic. Paige: See, sometimes it takes us away from our lives as well, a lot more than we'd like it to. Piper: But it's who we are whether we like it or not. We can't change that and neither can you. Phoebe: You have to accept it. Paige: You have to realise this is not worth throwing your life away for. Just let it go. That's it. Easy. (The dagger falls to the floor. Piper and Phoebe kneel beside Gideon.) Phoebe: You okay? Gideon: Yes. I just guess I've been more invisible than I realised over the years. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Piper and Phoebe are sitting at the bar, listening to the band playing. Paige walks up to them.] Paige: Hey, guys. Wasn't Ziggy Marley supposed to play here before? Piper: Yeah, he had to reschedule. So how's Zachary? Paige: He's good. He's at home with his family now, but I wouldn't be surprised to see him back at Magic School someday. I think he, I think he heard us about accepting himself. Piper: So then you're not gonna bind his powers? Paige: No, he didn't want me to. But he gave me a good idea about maybe doing it for somebody else. Phoebe: Richard? Paige: Yeah. You know, if he can't handle it, why should he have to? Maybe I can finally help him accept that. Phoebe: You're gonna make a really good teacher one day, Paige. Paige: Teacher? Phoebe: Yes, in Magic School. I saw it with my very own... vision. Piper: Yeah, I don't think she's gonna be teaching Wyatt any time soon. Suddenly I'm more concerned about separating him from his family, than raising him as an only child. Phoebe: Actually, there might be a day that you don't have to be concerned about that. Piper: What do you mean? (Phoebe sees Chris across the room.) Phoebe: I'm just saying. Piper: What are you just saying? (Phoebe walks away.) Excuse me! [Cut to the back room. Chris walks in. Phoebe walks in after him.] Phoebe: Hey. Chris: Hey. So did you come here to kick me out? Phoebe: Uh, no, actually, I came here to ask you a question. Chris: What? Phoebe: I need you to be honest with me. No games, no running away, just the truth. Chris: Okay. Phoebe: Are you Wyatt's little brother? Chris: Only if I can get Piper and Leo back together in time.

Plan: A: their lives; Q: The three sisters are railing at the complications and deleterious impact magic has on what? A: An Elder; Q: Who is Gideon? A: Gideon; Q: Who is Leo's old mentor? A: Magic School; Q: Where did Gideon call upon the sisters? A: darkness; Q: What spell was cast on the school? A: the Headless Horseman; Q: Who has been beheading the teachers? A: surly teenagers; Q: What group of people do Piper and Paige tackle? A: a student Enola; Q: Who sent Phoebe on a vision quest? A: a glimpse; Q: What does Phoebe get into the future? A: the brunette; Q: Who does Piper refer to as Wyatt's little brother? A: The little boy; Q: Who asks Piper for help in her vision? A: a revelation; Q: What does Phoebe have after seeing the vision? A: the advice; Q: What do the sisters give the youth terrorizing the teaching staff? A: Zachary; Q: Who is the telepath behind the attacks? A: a desperately unhappy telepath; Q: What is Zachary? A: his power; Q: What was Zachary using to tap into others powers? A: P3; Q: What is the name of the club the sisters own? A: Wyatt's brother; Q: Who is Chris? Summary: The three sisters are railing at the complications and deleterious impact magic has on their lives when a portal opens in the middle of their stairway landing. An Elder named Gideon, Leo's old mentor at Magic School, calls upon Piper, Phoebe, and Paige to find out who cast the spell of darkness upon the school and conjured up the Headless Horseman, who has been beheading the teachers. While Piper and Paige tackle a group of surly teenagers, Piper becomes the horseman's next victim and become a functioning head on a table. Meanwhile, Phoebe is sent on a vision quest by a student Enola, who is a young shaman, and gets a glimpse into the demon free future, where she discovers she will have a child and she sees an older Wyatt and a brunette boy. Piper refers to the brunette as Wyatt's little brother. The little boy asks her for help and the vision ends and she sees Chris asking the same question which gives her a revelation. Questioning whether such a future is even possible, she is told she must be herself and accept her bad with the good about who she is and then it can happen-the advice the three sisters give the youth terrorizing the teaching staff. It is revealed that Zachary, a desperately unhappy telepath, is behind the attacks by using his power to tap into others powers. The sisters vanquish the Headless Horseman and convince Zachary to stop. Later at P3, Phoebe confronts Chris about who he really is and asks is he is really Wyatt's brother and thus Piper and Leo's son. For once Chris doesn't lie and confirms this,but only if he can get Piper and Leo back together in time.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Is that my husband's child? Lola: You were engaged to Bash. If you tell Francis, I essentially become his. Greer: You're a servant. Nothing can ever happen between us. Remember this as the moment that you threw your happiness away. So let's have that drink now. Father, my evening took the loveliest turn. Guard: The king is dead! Long live the king! Guard 2: The king is dead! Long live the king! Tell me your darkest truth, and I will tell you mine. Lola is giving birth. You are the father of her child. The time is now. We need to think like queens. Mary: You are going to a village which has likely been exposed to plague. You can't leave. Your friend, my child. Perhaps my only child. Listen to your heart and you will hear it as clearly as I do. (horse neighs) (crows cawing) (horse neighs) [SCENE_BREAK] Mary : It is upon us now, an old and faceless foe. We have confirmed reports that the Black Death has returned once more to plague our lands. Catherine: You needn't fear. Only take care. Man: Where is our young king? Mary: King Francis is safe. He is protected in a private home. You are all protected. I have ordered the castle be made secure to prevent the arrival of infection. Man: What if the plague's already here? Catherine: Anyone who is sick will be treated with dignity and kindness. Kenna: Catherine's being too nice. What she'll really want is the sick rooted out or turned in by their neighbors. Catherine: But if you should feel unwell, we urge you to seek our expert care. Mary: There are early signs. Nostradamus: Fevers. The expulsion of blood. But more commonly, aches, pains, bulbous sores that will burst. The blackening of extremities. Contact with others spreads the disease. Greer: Aloysius, is that your daughter with Leith? Are they together? It can't be. I'm not jealous. I'm worried. Castleroy: Why is that? Greer: Leith made a sort of vow when things ended. That he'd attain wealth and station and that I would be forced to witness his rise and happiness with another. Castleroy: You think that's why he's sought out my daughter. Greer: I don't know. Yvette: There. That's my father, and that's his fiancée. Leith: That's your father? Yvette: I'll be back. Catherine: And none have fallen ill among us. The queen can confirm this. Mary: No one at court has shown signs of the plague, not one. And I pray none will. We are prepared, and we are in the best position to survive. Catherine: We are far from prepared. How could we be? Where is Francis? Mary: I tried to stop him, but I was too late. I've sent guards, ones that can be trusted with the knowledge that the king is not safe... Kenna: Mary!Can you tell us what's happening? Mary: We have taken precautions. As far as we know, no one here has gotten sick. As queen, I will need to be isolated. I can't stay with you. I'm so sorry. Greer: Are you all right? Where is Francis, really? He wouldn't leave you. Not now. Mary: Lola sent word. She's having the baby. There are... problems with the birth. Greer: Will she be all right? Mary: I don't know. All I know is that she is my friend, and Francis is my husband. And God willing, there is an innocent new life. I tried to stop him from going to her when I found out about the plague. But he went anyway. Kenna: You were trying to protect him. Mary: And now I must protect his people. Greer: Mary, your task is to survive. That's what Francis would want. Yvette: When were you going to tell me? Leith: I had no idea Lord Castleroy is your father until you pointed him out. But then you were off to him before I could even stop you. Yvette: Off to my father and his fiancée. I met Greer just a few days ago. I liked her. Leith: It's over. I wouldn't have pursued you in any way if it weren't or if I'd known who you are. Yvette: If you could be with her now, would you? Leith: I can honestly say I would not. Yvette: These could be our last days on Earth. Spend them with me. Leith: I'm not sure that's a good idea. Yvette: We could... hide away somewhere, away from everyone. Leith: Yvette, this isn't wise. Yvette: A rooftop somewhere. I don't care. We'll bring food and blankets. Leith: There's things I must do. Yvette: Tomorrow then. I'll find you. Leith: You should be away from others. If you're exposed, you risk... Yvette: I know. I know. But you can't come to me at my father's suites. There's a family, old friends. I'll make an excuse to check in on them and wait for you there. Leith: I don't know, Yvette. Yvette: I'll send word once I'm there. Kenna: Bash. I just spoke with Mary, and they are isolating people merely for seeming unwell. Sebastian: Of course they are. They have to. And if anyone is truly ill with plague, chaos will follow. There isn't enough food. Not for every household at court. Not for the weeks it will take for the disease to burn itself out or the famine that will surely follow. Kenna: You're not an optimistic fellow, are you? Sebastian: I've had food brought to our chambers, as much as I could demand in good conscience. Kenna, you have to find Pascal and secure yourselves until the plague has passed or passed us over. Kenna: How long will that take? Sebastian: Weeks. Maybe longer. (sighs) You should go. Now. I'll find you after I confer with the kings guard. Kenna: Why you? Sebastian: Because Francis isn't here, and I know the chief of the guards. They're scared, too. But they need to know they're accountable for their actions when this is over. (panting) Man: My wife's going to be furious. Some court gathering. But I'd die without your company. Girl: So would I. Man: Your Majesties, my apologies for missing the gathering. I... Guard: Not today, sir. Man: My lord, please join us. Estelle: Who are you? Lola: Francis. It's all right. I know him. Francis: You're alive. Lola: Yes. To my surprise. So is the child, thank God. It's a boy. You have a son. Catherine: And here we are... (chuckles) the two of us. It's been hours. Why hasn't Francis returned? Speak freely. The king's guards are sworn to secrecy. Surely he saw signs of the plague before he got too far. And why would he go on just to help one of your ladies? And where are the guards that you sent? Mary: Delayed, clearly, or deserted. Catherine: Or dead. (sighs) (somber music playing) Mary: The music. Catherine: That's the signal that someone has fallen ill. It's begun. Mary: Less than half a day since we announced the threat. Whoever is sick was already here, which means there will be more to follow. Catherine: But the airs near us will be burned clean. It worked for the Pope. Mmm. Who is it? Who has fallen ill? Nostradamus: A stablehand. The sores are already in evidence. He'll be dead within a day, two if his body can endure the suffering. I heard you sent guards for Francis. Mary: I asked for volunteers. Nostradamus: As they have not returned, I would like to volunteer. Mary: Why you? Catherine: Because he believes himself immune to the plague. Mary: The young family you lost. Nostradamus: I've had the misfortune of living in two regions of outbreak. And I should have died with them, but I did not. Lola's letter said she was at the house just north of the mill? Mary: Yes, but... there is unrest and many other dangers besides illness. Catherine: And if any have befallen my son, who has risked so much for your friend... Unless there's another reason why he has rushed to her side. Tell me, Mary, is there? Mary: Do not taunt me or seek to sew discord. Not this day. Nostradamus is willing to risk his life to save our king, my husband and your son. Thank him and say good-bye. I order you as your queen, show your gratitude and then grant me your silence. Catherine: Thank you, Nostradamus. Kenna: Pascal. Pascal, stop. I've been looking for you for hours. Come on, we have to go. Man: The servants seem to be scattered. I'm merely asking this one to help fetch some food from a larder. Kenna: He's no servant... he's my ward. Man: I need help. My wife's taken shelter with other family. I'm on my own. Kenna: He's coming with me. Man: It's girls like you who get men like me locked away from our wives in the first place. Kenna: What does that mean? Man: Whores. You were the king's whore. He's dead. You're nobody now. Kenna: I am married to the current king's brother. I am a lady. Man: Queen Mary's disgraced lady, wed to the b*st*rd with a title designed to make everyone laugh. I ought to have you whipped. Pascal: I'll do it. I'll fetch whatever you need and then I'll come back to our quarters, all right? Kenna: Pascal, you don't have to do this. Pascal: I'll come right back, I swear. Lola: No thank you, Estelle. Estelle: You need to sleep, Lady Lola. You've lost too much blood. Francis: The carriage outside... is it yours? Lola: Yes. There was a driver, but he left on foot when he heard of the plague. To be with his family. I know that's where you'd like to be as well. At Mary's side. Francis: I came thinking that you might be dead and my child might be alone in this world. Lola: Well, that would be simpler. Francis: That's not what I wanted. I'm saying that I didn't have a moment to think. And I resent you for lying to me. I am king, I should be at my court with my wife. Lola: You could have taken the child straight back to the castle. It is your right. Francis: The boy who sent for the midwife said the bridge was out. I'd have to cut around the east village, hard hit by plague. It would take more than a day to return. How would I keep a new born alive without its mother? Lola: I see you've considered the possibility. And yet... you haven't touched the baby. It's all right to admit that you don't want this. I know you don't. No one beyond this room need know the truth of this child's parentage. My poor Julien is dead, but the child will have his name. Francis: You have it all sorted out, don't you? You and Mary. Estelle: George, your fingers. Lola: Oh, Lord, he has the plague. Francis: We have to leave. Now. Estelle: It's for the babe. It wasn't near my brother. Lola: You didn't touch him either, did you? You should leave this house. You could ride one of the horses. Estelle: I can't leave my family. Francis: You'll die. Estelle: Pardon my saying so, but... I'd be no safer on my own, or with the king of France. You'd do better with guards. Or lying about who you are. Godspeed to you both. Mary: Lord Eduard, how may we help you? Eduard: Many of the nobles have secured themselves. Others prefer to drink in the gallery as if nothing is wrong, but the death count mounts. Do you know how many are dead so far? Mary: Fourteen. Eduard: 14, here on our first day of contagion. How many will be dead when we wake tomorrow? Do you count the lower class? Servants and the like, taken to the catacombs, the tower, the south keep? Mary: I count every life lost. Now what do you want? Eduard: To add another to the pile. I'm sorry to be so abrupt, but while my enemy is accessible I need to strike. Mary: I don't understand. Eduard: There's someone I thought untouchable. I'd like him to die of plague. Put him in one of the mass holding cells. He'll be infected soon enough, and no one will heed his cries. Mary: You come here and blatantly request we murder your foe? Eduard: If it were a request I wouldn't be so blatant. It's more of a demand. One I have no doubt you will grant. Catherine: And what will you gain? Mary: Catherine. Eduard: Vengeance. Pierre Voland beds my new wife, and with some frequency. His father's a close friend of my father's, they engage in trade as well. I'd kill him myself, or have someone do it, but I fear reprisal. Catherine: What, from your father? If your vengeance cost him money. Mary: Catherine, that's enough. Catherine: Don't you want to know the details? What's at stake? What kind of animosity lurks within your realm? Eduard: Here are the details. As you know, my family provides grain and meat to the entire region, but more than that, the castle relies on our weekly deliveries. These deliveries happen when I signal that I've been paid. Nobles have raided the stores of food. Catherine: Mm. Eduard: And in order to maintain control over them, the servants, the guards and the soldiers who live within reach, you need this week's delivery to happen. Or they may reach for your necks. Food for survival in exchange for one life, easily taken. I leave you to consider the opportunity. Catherine: Welcome to your rule, my queen. And welcome to the real France. Mary: Is that how you and Henry have maintained your rule? By bowing to your nobles? Catherine: It's simple math. If one life saves more, you have your answer. Mary: One life matters. Every life matters. We will find grain elsewhere. Catherine: I don't think you understand who Eduard is. Mary: He comes from a large, wealthy family with many holdings. What more do you want me to understand? Catherine: That as a royal you are given your position by birth or marriage, but your power comes from nobles... from the regions that only they can control. We have order, food and money because they grant it to us. And in exchange, we grant them certain privileges. Deny Eduard, and you and Francis will pay a very high price. Mary: Francis would never agree to this. Catherine: He hasn't been king yet. Mary: We can punish Eduard, claim his grain. Catherine: Claim a noble's property? Others will revolt. The death could be painless, I can help with that. One death, and you'll forget about it when you see your hungry are fed. Mary: I won't forget about it. I have sacrificed lives before, and every one takes me a step further away from the person I want to be. Catherine: The person you are... is Queen. And a favour for a favour keeps you on the throne. Mary: That is your way. And you were right, in what you said before. I want to be a different kind of queen. One that my husband is proud of. Send word to Lord Eduard. Tell him that I have considered his request and that it has been denied. [SCENE_BREAK] Leith: I'm surprised you're not holed up in Castleroy's suite. (short laugh) Greer: I'm surprised by how quickly you put your threat into motion. Leith: I don't blame you for suspecting otherwise. Given what I said to you. But meeting Yvette was blind chance. I didn't know she was Castleroy's daughter, I swear. Greer: Really. What are the odds? Leith: That I would meet someone above my class with an open heart? Someone who didn't care whether or not I was titled? Slim, I assure you. Greer: You're going to pursue her, aren't you? Leith: Whatever happens, it has nothing to do with you. Greer: It has everything to do with me. Don't you understand, if you married her, you would be in my life. My son-in-law. Even before that, we'd be forced to see each other, to pretend there's nothing between us, and... maybe there wouldn't be for you. Maybe there isn't. Leith: It was days ago that you broke my heart. Greer: If you feel anything for me at all, don't test me in this way, for I will fail. I will make a terrible mistake and I will be destroyed. Leith: I was on my way to meet her. Greer: Please don't. Lola: Shh. Francis, the baby... I... I can't feed him. I need water. I need to drink something or else... Francis: I know, that's why we stopped. There's a clean lake ahead, but... (horses whinny) Lola: We're not the only ones here, are we? Francis: No, we're not. Let me talk to them. Man: What's wrong with her? Francis: We're not infected. We just need to pass and get to the lake. She's not sick. She's just given birth. Louis: No need for that. Unless you use it as a walking stick you lean against as you bow. Which I recommend we all do, as this is our new king. Francis: You look familiar. Louis: My name is Louis, and we're cousins. Many times removed. I've seen you at court. Relax. You're safe now, among loyal subjects. And a few mutts that bark long before they bite. Sebastian: Nathan. Have you seen my wife? Guard: No. (sighs) But I'm as bleary-eyed as you look. Sebastian: There have been desertions. I was up all night managing the security of the lockdown. Guard: That's what you should tell your wife to do. Lock down in your quarters and stay there. Sebastian: I did. She left a note saying she was going out this morning. Trying to find the child we care for. Man: Quickly, now, secure Lord Voland and his family. Eduard: You've made things very difficult. A noble fell ill in the gallery. It caused a minor panic. It sent Pierre Voland and his family scurrying to their private quarters. Now he's locked in there with his entire household. I don't see how you could get to him without killing the others as witnesses. Mary: Did you not receive my message? Eduard: I did. And I'm giving you the chance to reconsider. As the landscape has quite literally changed. Look outside. Villagers all around are burning the homes of the infected. Now the fires are burning out of control. Catherine: Those other holdings you were counting on. Mary: We have no grain. Eduard: After the plague has passed, a famine will spread across the land. Many will die. And their deaths will be on you. Take that to your grave when the hungry rise up and kill you. Lola: There now, that's better. All I needed was a bit of water and all you needed was milk. Your cousin's been generous. How long are they planning to stay here? Francis: He says until the plague has passed. And then they'll return home. He rules over a region two days' travel from here. It'll be rough terrain that they'll cross, but his men and horses will be well-rested. It could be days for us. The only other road to the castle is blocked by fires raging on either side. Lola: I'm sorry. Francis: Would it really have been so awful to tell me the truth? I would have been angry with myself, not you. Lola: I tried to handle the situation on my own, to save you and Mary from complication. Francis: Because you wanted your freedom. I know you, Lola. We shared more than a bed in Paris, and I know how you feel about court. You didn't want to be tied to it or to me. I don't blame you. There's little for you in it. And one night should not define your life. Or mine. But I would have liked to have been consulted in the choice. So forgive me if I no longer consult you in mine. Lola: The lie of his paternity can stand. When this is done, I... I could be on my way with my son, not yours. Francis: Enough. I know that you have been through terrible hardship. That is not lost on me. But I am the king of France, and... (baby cries) the truth is that child is whoever I say he is. Kenna: Pascal, are you here? There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you. What happened? Pascal: I wanted to come back to you, but he wouldn't let me leave. I brought him food and water. Kenna: Are you hurt? What's happened? Pascal: When I held the cup to his lips... he started coughing. Kenna: Pascal... is that his blood on you? Pascal: I can't swallow and my bones hurt. Kenna: It's all right. Pascal, you have to listen to me. I'll take you someplace safe with food and water where I can look after you. We have to cover your shirt, and you have to act as though you are well. And we have to keep you away from pe... Girl: Guards! They're infected! Kenna: No, no, no! No! Girl: Guards! Kenna: No! No, no, no, wait! I'm one of the queen's ladies! Please, I'm not sick! No! No! Catherine: They will slip away into peaceful sleep like so many families caught by this terrible plague. Mary: Just slip away? You are proposing that we murder Lord Voland's entire household. Catherine: It wouldn't have come to that if only you'd listened to me. Mary: I will not condone the murder of innocents. Did you find them... Francis and Lola? Nostradamus: Many roads are blocked. It wasn't until dawn that I found the mill house where they went. The neighbours had set fire to it. And beyond the flames I could see the front door was nailed shut, and the painted red "X" of the plague was on the door. Catherine: Is that all? Didn't you look inside? Nostradamus: I'm immune to the plague, my queen, but not fire. I got as close as I could, but I saw no sign of Francis or Lola. But if they were inside, between the disease and the flames... Mary: Maybe they left. Sought shelter elsewhere. Until I see proof, I know they are alive. They have to be. Catherine: Yes. I don't want to believe it either. But you're right... for you, Francis must survive. Mary: What do you mean? Catherine: If even a whisper of this news gets out, all eyes will turn from you to the future, to the next king after Francis, to me, as regent, as Charles is but a child. Mary: You have just found out that your eldest son might be dead, and your first instinct is to seize power? Catherine: I've only had one instinct ever, and that is to protect my family and their birth right, which is their rule. When this plague is done, France will need two things to survive: food and stability. I'll provide food with a painful but needed sacrifice. I'll deal with the Volands and, unlike you, I'll provide stability with plenty of sons to wear this country's crown. Mary: I won't allow you to do that. When Francis returns... Catherine: He will thank me for saving his realm from his very naïve young queen. Louis: Lord Narcisse. Francis: Lord Narcisse. I know that name. He controls land around here. More and more every day. Louis: Narcisse, what brings you here? Narcisse: Same as you, Lord Conde. Clean air and water. I'm heading north, where the plague hasn't yet spread. But that doesn't explain what our new king is doing here. Majesty. I am Stephan Narcisse. I was a friend of your father's. Louis: The king was reviewing cathedral repairs when the roads were cut off by the plague. I offered my hospitality while he waits to return to the castle. Narcisse: I see. Very kind of you, Conde. We found the girl alone near her house, with a red "X" marked on the door. Lola: Estelle. Narcisse: Her family were dying of the plague, the neighbours already gathering animal fat to set the roof ablaze. Lola: My God, why is she in a cage? Narcisse: I realize it looks... barbaric, keeping a girl where my livestock should be, but the bars are simply to isolate her until we know that she's not infected. Then she'll be released. Had we left her there, she would surely have died. My heart couldn't bear the thought. I wouldn't get too close, milady. If she is infectious, then you would have to be isolated, too. And then you couldn't feed your baby. Water your horses, then yourselves. Francis: Why did you make up that story about the cathedral? Louis: This is not a man you share secrets with. Francis: Why don't you like him? What has he done? Louis: Some nobles build fortunes with hard work or by serving the crown. Others find shortcuts. Francis: Ah. Conde: I'd be curious to know if the girl's family lived long enough to die of plague. You'll know if Narcisse winds up with their lands. Narcisse: Conde. Oh, safe voyage on your boat. I hear it's finally arrived, waiting for you. Oh. Did Lord Conde not mention that he has a boat waiting for him up north to escape the plague? No? I would have thought he would offer his new friend the king the same chance of survival as his own. Be careful of this one, Majesty. He's ambitious. A new king needs to know who his real friends are, especially at times like this. Kenna: Pascal. Pascal, I can't hear you. Pascal: I think I fell asleep. Kenna: Would you like me to sing you another song? Pascal: I had a dream. I saw my mother. Kenna: You did? Pascal: She was younger, though. She looked... like you. She said she'd care for me. Or was that you? (sniffles) Kenna: We've both been blessed to care for you. You're a wonderful boy and a good soul, and you are and always were loved. Pascal, God loves you, too. Pascal? Pascal, can you hear me? (sniffles) God will love you, too. Sebastian: Kenna. If you can hear my voice, answer me! Woman: I'm here! Help! Sebastian: Kenna. Woman: (grunting) (grunts) (grunting) I'm so thirsty. Sebastian: No, you can't go that way. That's the gallery. You can't go in there. Please, Woman: I want to go. Sebastian: It's full of people. (shouts, grunts) (gasps) Man: My lord. Sebastian: Stay back. I'm surely infected, too. (coughing) Mary: Oh, no. Catherine: Thank you for coming. That's close enough. I'm stricken. I don't know how it happened. I was so careful. Mary: Is there anything I can do? Catherine: Oddly, you've already done it. I can meet my maker with less blood on my hands. Your hesitation to take a life has saved me from taking many. I simply didn't have time before falling ill to murder that household. There's something else you should know. I didn't want to be me either. Well, I blame Henry. Being a queen unloved by your king is excruciating. And dangerous. Mary: Henry loved you. Catherine: Some. Once. Not enough. Not the way that Francis loves you. An indiscretion, even a child, doesn't have to get in the way of a marriage. (sighs) Don't let Lola come between you. Because you are nothing but a guest in this court without the support of your king. Mary: It worked. How long will her symptoms last? Nostradamus: The dose I gave her will only last a day or two. And then she will have a miraculous recovery. We can only pray she doesn't suspect our hand. Mary: You have risked much to help me. Nostradamus: Death already walks the halls freely here. And to see Catherine feed it more souls... I couldn't save my own family, but I can save this one. (indistinct crowd chatter, crickets chirping) Louis: I was dishonest with you. Francis: I understand why you didn't tell me about the boat. It's like an ark in a great flood. If word got out, it could be overrun or taken from you. Louis: That lady sparkling by the fire is my mistress, Lady Doutzen of Amsterdam. (women giggling) She's married. I'm not. But we share in the sin and so much more. When people started dying, I promised her a safe voyage home. Some of my men will go with her. The other passengers are members of her household, her children. There's still room for one more mistress and her child. Francs: Lady Lola is not my mistress. I love my wife. Louis: If you love your wife, put them on the boat. Lady Lola could marry again. And the child won't grow up like your brother... a b*st*rd spoken of in scornful whispers. You'll have others. I know what it is to make a mess of love. Go back to your wife. Without the poison of a lover and a b*st*rd child. (woman laughing) Francis: Conde's boat is leaving in the morning. You can accompany them to the Netherlands and then continue on. You can live your own lives. Lola: What will you do? Francis: I'm going to ride out in the morning. I have to get back to Mary. Girl: Finally. Still waiting on your handsome young soldier? Yvette: Shh. I'm not so sure he's coming. But I haven't given up hope just yet. Mary: Eduard Narcisse, I have brought you here to tell you that Lord Voland's family is not to be harmed under any circumstances. Eduard: Where is the queen mother? Mary: I am the queen of France, and you are my subject. What is your real grievance with Lord Voland? Even you wouldn't slaughter an entire household for a woman. Eduard: This could have been so much cleaner for me and for you. I'm not the kind of man who likes to get his hands dirty. One favour... it's all I asked. One life. But now so many. Mary: What did you do? Eduard: After I found the poison, I found the dumbwaiter, which delivered the water directly into their locked suite. Mary: Oh, God, no. Mary: They're all dead. Poisoned. Find out who each and every member of this household is. For even the servants' families deserve to know. (distant crying and shouting) Sebastian: Dear God, stop their suffering. (sighs) You there... Child, are you all right? Wait. I know you. Girl: You gave me back my Clementine before when she fell. They've all fallen now. So much suffering. Sebastian: What's happened to you? Why aren't you with your family? Are you dead? Girl: Yes. Sebastian: Am I? Was I infected? Girl: No. You'll live. But I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be. The same is true of many others, and they're angry. We're not leaving. Not till we're done. Sebastian: Done? With what? Girl: There will be a reckoning. (gasps) (wind whistling) (bird squawking) Eduard: Mary, I didn't realize you... Mary: That I was having you followed? I knew you would signal for the grain. I was right about you. You don't want to risk my husband's ire. Eduard: It's one thing to murder a foe... Mary: An entire household. Eduard: Another to starve his court, so, let's put it behind us. Mary: Take him. Make sure he's unarmed. Eduard: Why? You can't change anything. It's done. Mary: Yes, it is... and by your own admission. Murder is a very serious crime. Even during a plague, when it seems some people believe that a little extra death shouldn't trouble us. Eduard: The Volands are already gone. You may have this shipment of grain, but what about the next? Why make an enemy out of those you need most? What do you gain? Mary: Justice. Take him away. Eduard: You're wasting your time! My father will free me! Mary: No, he won't... because he'll never find you. Sebastian: Kenna? Kenna? Kenna, can you hear me? Kenna: Bash! Bash? Is anyone here? Sebastian: Kenna? Kenna, is that you? Kenna: Bash! (grunts) Bash! Bash! Sebastian: Kenna! Kenna: Is that you? Bash! Sebastian: It's all right. I'm here. I'll free you. (grunting) Kenna: Hurry! Sebastian: Stand back. (grunts) Kenna: Oh, Bash. Oh, thank God you came! (panting) Sebastian: I was afraid you were dead. I was afraid we both were. Kenna: Oh, Bash, Pascal... he was infected, and now he's gone. Sebastian: Well, it's over now. You're all right. We're both all right. (horse sputters) Louis: The ship is two days' ride from here, with frequent stops for rest. Your friend and her baby will manage the trip comfortably. Francis: I'm grateful. (baby crying) Lola? (baby crying) (sighs) Lola, he's crying. (baby continues crying) Come on, don't cry. (baby crying) All right, then. Shh, shh. (baby cooing) Lola: I'm sorry. I went to fetch water for the trip. He was asleep when I left. Francis... Man: The party is mounting up. Riders will follow to carry your things, my lady. Lola: Thank you. Francis: I understand all the reasons, I do. I ju... I just cant. You can't leave on that boat. You won't take away my son. Eduard: You're taking me to the catacombs. That's where the sick are locked up. If you put me down here, I'll die! Mary: I'm aware. Eduard: I'm what this realm needs. Nobles like my father Lord Narcisse gave the crown to your husband's family. They can take it away. You're making a mistake! And your husband will hate you for it. As soon as he learns how the world works, how it's always worked. Mary: Open the door, put him inside. Eduard: His mother knows it. So did his father. His heart beats with their blood, and there is nothing older or stronger than royal blood. You'll see. (whimpering) No! No! (coughing) No! Mary! No! (screaming) No! ♪ For you to arrive ♪ ♪ And the one you're holding ♪ ♪ Is not the one you left behind ♪ ♪ He'll be there waiting ♪ ♪ For all of your life ♪ ♪ And though our goals are all ♪ ♪ At one ♪ ♪ With the snow ♪ ♪ I could not turn away from all I wish I did not know. ♪

Plan: A: Queen Mary; Q: Who refuses to throw Pierre Voland in with the sick? A: Queen Catherine; Q: Who is the other queen? A: the castle; Q: What is locked down? A: the plague; Q: What manages to enter the castle? A: powerful noble Eduard Narcisse; Q: Who demands that Pierre Voland be thrown in with the sick? A: Kjartan Hewitt; Q: Who plays Eduard Narcisse? A: Voland's entire family; Q: Who does Eduard Narcisse poison? A: diseased water; Q: What was used to poison the Voland family? A: Yvette; Q: Who dies when the Voland family is poisoned? A: the dungeon; Q: Where does Queen Mary have Eduard thrown? A: plague victim bodies; Q: What does Queen Mary have Eduard thrown in with? A: King Francis II; Q: Who finds Lola and their son outside the castle? A: Louis of Condé; Q: Who is Francis's cousin? A: Sean Teale; Q: Who is the actor that plays Louis of Condé? A: a boat; Q: What does Louis offer to send Lola and her baby away on? A: the Netherlands; Q: Where does Louis offer to send Lola and her baby? A: his son; Q: Who does King Francis want to keep close to him? A: Bash; Q: Who is exposed to the plague? A: Ella Ballentine; Q: Who plays the ghost of a young Voland girl? A: Lady Kenna; Q: Who tries to protect Pascal? A: the Black Death; Q: What disease is Pascal exposed to? Summary: Queen Mary and Queen Catherine have the castle locked down, but "the plague" manages to enter. Mary and Catherine clash when powerful noble Eduard Narcisse (Kjartan Hewitt) demands they throw his rival Pierre Voland in with the sick. Queen Mary refuses, so Eduard has Voland's entire family poisoned with diseased water; Yvette dies as well since she was staying with the Volands. In response,Queen Mary has Eduard thrown in the dungeon with plague victim bodies. Outside the castle, King Francis II finds Lola and their newly-born son, and they are aided by Francis's cousin, Louis of Condé ( Sean Teale ). Louis offers to send Lola and her baby away on a boat, headed for the Netherlands, but King Francis refuses, as he wants to keep his son close to him. Bash is exposed to the plague, and although he doesn't fall sick, he sees the ghost of a young Voland girl ( Ella Ballentine ), who warns him that the others who have died are angry and that there will be a "reckoning". Lady Kenna tries to protect Pascal, but he is exposed to the Black Death and is claimed by it.

Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Pop's Pumpkin Patch. The camera pans down from the sign over the stand past another one counting off the days until Halloween to a pumpkin on the ground aglow with a candle. Buffy lands flat on her back on top of it. She looks up at the vampire that just threw her and sees him coming toward her. She grabs a squash lying on the ground behind her and throws it at him, hitting him in the forehead. She follows it up with a pumpkin. The vampire staggers back a few steps. Buffy hops back to her feet. She pulls a stake out of her shirt and launches it at him. He grabs the scarecrow and pulls it over in front of him so the stake impales it instead. He shoves the scarecrow aside and comes at her with a roundhouse kick. They start fighting hand-to-hand. Cut to a view of them through a camcorder. The 'record' light is on. Cut to another vampire taping the fight. He gets closer for a better view. Cut to the view through the camcorder. Buffy continues to fight the first vampire. The 'battery low' indicator starts flashing. A moment later the view becomes snowy, and the vampire takes the camcorder away from his eye. He jostles it, and it starts working again. He raises it back to his eye to continue recording. The fight goes on, and a few hits later the first vampire knocks Buffy into the hay wagon. She holds onto the side of the wagon and kicks the vampire to the ground. She turns around with her back to the wagon and grabs the railing as the vampire gets back up. She raises her legs and grabs the vampire's head in a scissor hold. She twists her body and flips him over sideways onto the ground. Stepping away from the wagon, she spies the sign and then looks down at the vampire. He tries to grab for her legs, so she jumps over him and somersaults to the countdown sign. She pulls it out of the ground and swings it at his legs as he comes for her, knocking them out from under him. She raises the sign and jams the end of the signpost into his chest. The vampire bursts into ashes. Buffy leaves the sign stuck in the ground at its new location and walks out of the pumpkin patch. The second vampire lowers the camcorder and slowly backs away as he watches her go. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Bronze. A waitress picks up a tray of cappuccino and cupcakes. The camera follows her as she heads to her table. She turns to her right, but the camera continues through the crowd over to Angel sitting alone at a table, looking very bored. A huge spider web and other Halloween decorations adorn the staircase behind him. Cordelia spots him with his bored look and comes over to his table. "Shy", by Epperley, is playing. Lyrics: I don't say much but I, but I like to sing Cordelia: I know. Is the Bronze so not happening? Or what? (sets down her drink and sits) Angel: Oh. Hi. Lyrics: Won't tell you what I'm thinking Cordelia: Hi! Angel: I'm waiting for Buffy. Lyrics: Just have to wait and sing Cordelia: Great! I'm supposed to be meeting Devon, but he's nowhere to be seen. It's like he thinks being in a band gives him an obligation to flake. Angel smiles at the joke. Cordelia: Well, his loss is your incredible gain! Cut to the door. Buffy comes in, looks around and sees Angel at the table with Cordelia, laughing. Cut to Angel's table. Cordelia: So I told Devon, 'You call that leather interior? My Barbie Dream Car had nicer seats!' (they both laugh) Lyrics: I have no skin left on my, on my fingertips Cut to Buffy. She's upset seeing Angel there with Cordelia and turns around to leave. Angel notices her as she's about to go. Angel: Buffy? He gets up and hurries over to her. Angel: Buffy! Lyrics: But still my heart pours out, out from my lips Buffy: (turns back around) Hi! I'm... Angel: Late. Buffy: Rough day at the office. Angel reaches up to her hair and pulls out a piece of straw. Angel: So I see. Lyrics: Well I'm mute, but I'm not quite mute Buffy: Hey, it's a look. A seasonal look. Lyrics: And I say the things you want to hear Cordelia: (appears behind Angel) Buffy. Love the hair. It just screams street urchin. (leaves) Lyrics: I'm mute, but I'm not quite mute Buffy: (smiles) Know what? I need to go... (loses the smile) put a bag over my head. (starts to go) Lyrics: And I keep to myself to defend Angel: (grabs her arm) Don't listen to her. Please. You look fine. Lyrics: Yeah I'm alright Buffy: You're sweet. A terrible liar, but sweet. Lyrics: Oh now don't want to fight Angel: I thought we had... Buffy: A date. So did I. But who am I kidding? Lyrics: I'm an angel burning out / Oh now Buffy: Dates are things normal girls have. Girls who have time to think about nail polish and facials. You know what I think about? Ambush tactics. Beheading. Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of. (turns and goes out the door) Cordelia: (comes back) Cappuccino? She holds the cup up to him. He looks at her, down at the cappuccino and then back at the door. Cut to school the next day. Sign-ups are being taken for the volunteer safety program for Halloween. Principal Snyder takes one of the clipboards and looks around the hall. He grabs the next girl that walks by and pulls her aside. Girl: Hey! Snyder: You're volunteering. He holds out the clipboard and pen to her. Willow, Buffy and Xander come in from the other hall. Girl: But I have to get to class. Snyder just shrugs. The team walks past him. Willow: Snyder must be in charge of the volunteer safety program for Halloween this year. Xander: Note his interesting take on the volunteer concept. Buffy: What's the deal? They've reached Willow's locker, and she works the combination. Xander: Oh, a bunch of little kids need people to take them trick-or- treating. Sign up and get your own pack of sugar-hyped little runts for the night. Buffy: Yikes. I'll stick to vampires. Snyder puts his hand on her shoulder, and she spins around to face him. Snyder: Miss Summers. Just the juvenile delinquent I've been looking for. Buffy: Principal Snyder! Snyder: Halloween must be a big night for you. Tossing eggs, keying cars, bobbing for apples, one pathetic cry for help after another. Well, (leads her to the sign-up table) not this year, missy. Willow and Xander come stand behind her. Buffy: Gosh, I'd love to sign up, but I recently developed carpal tunnel syndrome, and can tragically no longer hold a flashlight. Snyder holds up the clipboard and pen. Snyder: The program starts at four, the children have to be back at six. Buffy reluctantly grabs the pen and clipboard and signs herself up. Xander thinks it's funny and smiles back at Willow. Willow has a concerned look on her face. Snyder holds pens out to Willow and Xander, too. They both look at him, begging not to be put through this. Willow gives in and takes the pen. Cut to another part of the hall. Xander: I can't believe this. We have to get dressed up and the whole deal? Willow: Snyder said costumes were mandatory. Buffy: Great. I was gonna stay in and veg. The one night a year things are supposed to be quiet for me. Xander: Halloween quiet? Oh, I figured it'd be a big old vamp scare- apalooza. They walk into the lounge. Buffy: Not according to Giles. He swears that tomorrow night is, like, dead for the undead. (the girls sit) They stay in. Xander: (smiling) Those wacky vampires! That's why I love 'em! They just keep you guessing! He puts his satchel down on the table and heads over to the soda vending machine. He puts in his coins and hits a button. Nothing. He hits another one. Still nothing. He hits the machine in the front and on the side. Larry comes up to him and puts his hand on Xander's shoulder. Larry: Harris! Xander: Hey, Lar. You're lookin' Cro-Mag as usual. What can I do you for? Larry: You and Buffy, you're just friends, right? Xander: I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss. Larry: So, she, she's not your girlfriend? Xander: Alas, no. Larry looks over at Buffy as he walks around Xander. Larry: Do you think she'd go out with me? He turns to face Xander with Buffy to his back now. Xander: Well, Lar, that's a tough question to... No. Not a chance. Larry: Why not? I heard some guys say she was fast. Xander: I hope you mean like the wind. Larry: Yeah, you know what I mean. Xander: That's my friend that you're talkin' about! Larry: Oh, yeah? Well, what're you gonna do about it? Xander: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it: (grabs Larry by the shirt) somethin' damn manly. Larry smiles and laughs. He knocks Xander's hands away and grabs him by the shirt with his right hand. He balls his left hand into a fist and draws back for a punch. Buffy grabs his wrist, pulls it behind his back and slams his head into the vending machine. A Diet Dr Pepper rolls into the slot. Buffy: Get gone. She pulls Larry back from the machine and shoves him away. She notices the soda can. Buffy: Ooo! Diet! (grabs the can) Xander: Do you know what you just did? Buffy: Saved you a dollar? Xander: No, but Larry was about to pummel me! Buffy: Oh, that? Forget about it! (heads back to the table) Xander: Oh, I'll forget about it. (follows her) In maybe fifteen, twenty years when my rep for being a sissy man finally fades! Buffy: (stops and faces him) Xander, don't you think you're... Xander: (interrupts) A black eye heals, Buffy, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life. Oh, thanks! Thanks a lot for *your* help. He grabs his bag from the table and walks off in a huff. Buffy moans and sits back down with Willow. Buffy: I think I just violated the guy code big time. Willow: Poor Xander. Boys are so fragile. Speaking of, how was your date last night? Buffy: Misfire. I was late due to unscheduled slayage. Showed up looking trashed. Willow: Was he mad? Buffy: Actually he was pretty unmad. Which probably had something to do with the fact that Cordelia was drooling in his cappuccino. Willow: Oh, Buffy. Angel would never fall for her act. Buffy: You mean that 'actually showing up, wearing a stunning outfit, embracing personal hygiene' act? Willow: You know what I mean. Uh, she's not his type. Buffy: Are you sure? I mean, I don't know what his type is. I've known him less than a year, and if you haven't noticed, he's not exactly one to over share. Willow: True. It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell. Buffy: Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private. Willow: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files. Buffy: Most importantly, it would be wrong. Cut to the library. Willow and Buffy look in through the round door window. They don't see Giles and give each other a look. Buffy quietly opens the door and goes in. She looks back at Willow, who gives her encouragement. The door closes and Willow looks in through the glass. Buffy quietly makes her way up to the counter and looks around again for Giles. Satisfied that he's not there she heads for his office. Giles: Buffy! She spins around and sees him in the cage getting some old books. Giles: Excellent! Buffy: Nothing! Hi! Giles: Yes, I-I just wanted to talk to you about tomorrow night. As it should be, uh, calm, you might work on some new battle techniques. Buffy: You're beginning to scare me, Giles. You need to have some fun. She waves to Willow to come in as he's looking down at his books. Willow shakes her head and mouths 'no'. Giles looks up, and Buffy pulls her hand back and pretends she was scratching her head. Buffy: You know, there's this place you can go, right, and you sit in the dark, and there are these moving pictures, right, and the pictures tell a story. Giles: Yes, yes, ha, ha, very droll. Willow quietly comes in. Giles: I'll have you know that I have very, uh, many relaxing hobbies. Buffy: Such as? Giles: Well, um... Buffy mouths something to Willow to goad her on. Giles: I enjoy cross-referencing. Buffy: Do you stuff your own shirts, or do you send them out? She grabs a book from the stack he's about to take to his office and walks around him to draw his view away from his office door. Buffy: So! How come Halloween is such a big yawner? I mean, do the demons just hate how commercial it's become? (leafs through the book) Giles: (puts his books down) Um, it's interesting, ac... Not, I suspect, to you. (takes the book from her) What is it you're after? Willow has made it to the office door. Buffy: Of course, it's of interest to me! I'm the Slayer. I need to know these things. You can't keep me in the dark any longer. Willow opens the door and starts in. Giles grabs the stack of books again and starts to turn to his office. Buffy: Look at me when I talk to you! Willow looks over at them anxiously. Giles: I really don't have time for these games. Buffy: Ms. Calendar said you were a babe. Willow looks back again, but this time gives Buffy a look and shakes her head. Giles: She said what? Buffy: (meekly) Well, she said that you were a... h-hunk of burning... something or other. So, (exhales) whadaya think of that? Giles: Uh, I... (exhales) I don't, um, uh... A burning hunk of what? Buffy: Look. You know how disgusting it is for me to even contemplate you grownups having smoochies, (sees Willow come out of the office with a diary) but I think you should go for it. Giles: Buffy, I appreciate your interest, but... Willow hurries past the counter. Buffy: But I've overstepped my bounds. It's none of my business, you know. (stammers) What was I thinking? My God! Shame, (Willow goes out the door) shame. I gotta go. (quickly walks out) Giles: (not sure what to make of it) A babe? (smirks) I can live with that. Cut to the girls' bathroom. Buffy and Willow are sitting on the sinks and looking at a drawing of a noble woman with a tiny waist wearing a billowy gown. Buffy: Man, look at her. Willow: Who is she? Buffy: It doesn't say, but the entry's dated 1775. Willow: Angel was eighteen. And still human. Buffy: So that's the kinda girl he hung around? She's pretty coiffed. Willow: She looks like a noble woman or something. Which means being beautiful is sort of her job. Buffy: And clearly this girl was a workaholic. I'll never be like this. Willow: C'mon! She's not that pretty. I mean, look at her. She's got a funny... uh, waist. Look how tiny that is. Buffy: (sarcastically) Thank you. Now I feel better. Willow: (exhales) No. She's like a freak. A circus freak. Yuk. Buffy: (exhales) Musta been wonderful. Put on some fantabulous gown and go to a ball like a princess, and have horses and servants, and yet more gowns. Willow: Yeah. Still, I think I prefer being able to vote. (Buffy raises her brows) (smiles) Or I will when I can. Cordelia comes into the bathroom and goes to the mirror. Cordelia: So, Buffy. You ran off last night and left poor little Angel all by his lonesome. But I did everything I could to comfort him. Buffy: I'll bet. Cordelia: (gets out her blush) So, what's his story anyway? I mean, I never see him around. (brushes some onto her cheeks) Willow: Not during the day, anyway. Cordelia: Oh, please. Don't tell me he still lives at home. Like, he has to wait for his dad to get back before he can take the car? (puts the blush away) Buffy: Cordelia, I think his parents have been dead for a couple of hundred years. Cordelia: (touches up her lip gloss) Oh, good. I mean... (faces them) What? Buffy: Angel's a vampire. I thought you knew. Cordelia: (turns back to the mirror) Oh, he's a vampire. (puts away the lip gloss) Of course! But the cuddly kind. Like a Carebear with fangs? Willow: It's true. Cordelia: (steps over to them) You know what I think? (crosses her arms) I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer. She walks out. Buffy just watches her go. Cut to Ethan's Costume Shop. The store is full of mothers with their kids looking for Halloween costumes. Buffy is handling a plastic pumpkin when it suddenly lights up and screams. She quickly puts it back on the counter. Willow comes over to her. Buffy: What'd you get? Willow: A time-honored classic! (holds up a ghost costume) Buffy: Okay, Will, can I give you a little friendly advice? Willow: It's not spooky enough? Buffy: It's just... you're never gonna get noticed if you keep hiding. You're missing the whole point of Halloween. Willow: (smiles) Free candy? Buffy: It's come as you aren't night. The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild with no repercussions. Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz. Buffy: Don't underestimate yourself. You've got it in you. Willow: Hey, Xander! He comes up to them. Willow: What'd you get? He pulls a toy military rifle out of his bag and holds it up for Willow to see. Buffy: That's not a costume. Xander: (gives Buffy a look, then turns to Willow) I got fatigues from an Army surplus at home. Call me the Two-Dollar Costume King, baby! He smiles at Willow. She smiles back. Buffy: Hey, look, Xander... (he points the rifle at her) I'm... really sorry about this morning. Xander: Do you mind, Buffy? I'm trying to repress. Buffy: Okay, then I promise, from now on I'll let you get pummeled. (puts her chin on his shoulder and pouts) Xander: (rolls his eyes) Thank you. (Buffy smiles) Okay, y'know, actually I think I could've t... Buffy is distracted by a costume. She slowly starts walking over to it. Xander: Hello! That was our touching reconciliation moment there. She keeps walking over to a frilly, red, billowy 18th-century gown. Buffy: I'm sorry, it's just... Look at this. Willow: It's amazing. Xander: Too bulky. I prefer my women in spandex. Ethan notices her looking at the dress and comes over to them. Ethan: Please, let me. He takes the dress off of its dressmaker's mannequin. Buffy: Oh, i-it's... Ethan: Magnificent. Yes, I know. There. (holds it up to her in a mirror) My. Meet the hidden princess. I think we found a match. Don't you? Buffy: (looks at Ethan) Oh, uh, I-I'm sorry. There's no way I could ever afford this. Ethan: Oh, nonsense. I feel quite moved to make you a deal you can't refuse. She looks back into the mirror, takes the dress from Ethan and smiles dreamily as she holds it up to her chin. Cut to Spike's warehouse. He's watching the video that the vampire took of Buffy's fight. Spike: Here it comes. (watches) Rewind that. Let's see that again. The vampire rewinds the tape as Spikes strolls around to another monitor. Spike: (chuckles) She's tricky. Baby likes to play. The scene where she stakes the vampire with the sign replays. Spike: You see that? The way she stakes him with that thing? That's what's called resourceful. Rewind it again. Drusilla: (comes from the other room) Miss Edith needs her tea. Spike: C'mere, poodle. (holds his hand out to her) Drusilla: (takes his hand) Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see? Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet. That's why I've got to study this Slayer. Once I know her I can kill her. And once I kill her you can have your run of Sunnyhell. Get strong again. Drusilla: Don't worry. Everything's switching. Outside to inside. (breathes at Spike's neck) It makes her weak. Spike: Really? Did my pet have a vision? Drusilla: Do you know what I miss? Leeches. Spike: Come on, talk to Daddy. This thing that makes the Slayer weak? When is it? Drusilla: Tomorrow. Spike: Tomorrow's Halloween. Nothing happens on Halloween. Drusilla: Someone's come to change it all. Someone new. Cut to the back room at Ethan's. He comes through the curtain and kneels before his statue of Janus. He presses his hands together and winces in pain. When he pulls them apart there are wounds in his palms, and blood flows freely from them. Ethan: The world that denies thee, thou inhabit. He dabs the blood from his left hand with his right middle finger and smears it over his right eyelid. Ethan: The peace that ignores thee,... He dabs the blood from his right hand with his left middle finger and smears it over his left eyelid. Ethan: ...thou corrupt. He dabs the blood from his left hand with his right middle finger again and smears a cross onto his forehead. Ethan: Chaos. I remain, as ever, thy faithful, degenerate son. The camera pans over the top of the statue from the woman's face on one side to the man's face on the other. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room. She's at her long mirror wearing her gown and a long, black wig. She puts on the second of a pair of earrings. Willow is in the bathroom changing. Willow: Where're you meeting Angel? Buffy: Here. After trick-or-treating. Mom's gonna be out. Willow: Does he know about your costume? Buffy: Nope. Call it a blast from his past. I'll show him I can coif with the best of 'em. (turns to the bathroom door) Okay, Willow, come out. You can't hide in there all night. Willow: O-okay, but, but promise you won't laugh? Buffy: I promise. Willow opens the door and comes out wearing boots, a short, black leather skirt and a burgundy, long-sleeved, V-necked, midriff-baring top. She's uncomfortable, and quickly steps over to her ghost sheet and picks it up. Buffy: (smiles) Wow! You're a dish! Willow tries to hide herself with the sheet, but Buffy takes it from her and tosses it aside. Buffy: I mean, really. Willow is very uncomfortable and tries to cover herself with her arms. Willow: But this just isn't me. Buffy: And that's the point. (walks around Willow to show her the mirror) Look, Halloween is the night that not you *is* you, but not *you*. Y'know? The doorbell rings. Buffy: Oh! That's Xander. Are you ready? Willow: (nervous) Yeah. O-o-okay. Buffy: Cool! I can't wait for the boys to go non-verbal when they see you! (goes to get the door) Willow is still trying to cover herself. Cut downstairs. Buffy comes down the stairs and opens the door for Xander. He enters saluting with his toy rifle in his hand. Xander: Private Harris reporting for... (sees Buffy in her costume) Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex! Buffy: (curtsies) Thank you, kind sir. (Xander bows) But wait till you see... They turn to look up the stairs at Willow. She has put on the ghost sheet. It says 'BOO!' on the front in large bold letters. Willow: Hi. Buffy: ...Casper. Xander: Hey, Will! That's aaa fine boo you got there. Buffy is disappointed. Xander just stares. Cut to the school. Children are arriving in costume to be taken trick- or-treating. Cut inside to the hall by the stairs. Buffy is standing there holding a clipboard, waiting for her charges. Snyder brings them to her. Snyder: This is your group, Summers. No need to speak to them. The last thing they need is your influence. Just bring them back in one piece and I won't expel you. (starts to leave) Buffy: (bends down to the kids) Hi. Snyder: Ah, ah! Buffy straightens back up and rolls her eyes. Cut to Xander in his soldier outfit. Larry comes by dressed as a pirate. Larry: Where's your bodyguard, Harris? Curling her hair? He jumps at Xander, making him flinch. He laughs in Xander's face and goes. Xander points his rifle at him, but then dismisses him. Cut to Oz checking his guitar at his locker. Cordelia comes into the hall wearing a tight-fitting catsuit and walks up to him. Cordelia: Oz. Oz. Oz: (looks up at her) Hey, Cordelia. Jeez, you're like a great big cat. Cordelia: It's my costume. Are you guys playing tonight? Oz: Yeah, at the Shelter Club. Cordelia: Is Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show- up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there? Oz: Yeah, y'know, he's just going by 'Devon' now. Cordelia: Well, you can tell him that I don't care, and that I didn't even mention it. And that I didn't even see you. So that's just fine. Oz: So, what do I tell him? Cordelia: Nothing! Jeez! Get with the program. (walks off in a huff) Oz: (sarcastically) Why can't I meet a nice girl like that? Willow comes down the hall in her ghost sheet. Oz turns around and bumps right into her. Oz: Oh! I'm sorry. Willow: Sorry. Oz: I'm sorry. Willow: Sorry. Oz: Sorry. Oz and Willow continue down the hall on their separate ways. Cut to Xander briefing his group. He's got them all lined up and standing at attention. Xander: Okay, on sleazing extra candy: tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double-bagger. You can also try the old 'you missed me' routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood? They all nod their heads. Xander: Okay, troops. He turns and faces down the hall. The kids follow his lead. Xander: Let's move out. Cut to the streets. A student dressed as a vampire is escorting a group of kids. They walk by Buffy's group coming back from a house. Buffy crouches down to see what they got. Buffy: What did Mrs. Davis give you? They all pull out toothbrushes. Buffy: She must be stopped. Let's hit one more house. (gets up) We still have a few more minutes before I need to get you back. Cut to the back room at Ethan's. He weaves a spell in Latin. Ethan: Janus, evoco vestram animam. Exaudi meam causam. Carpe noctem pro consilio vestro. Veni, appare et nobis monstra quod est infinita potestas. Translation: Janus, I invoke your spirit. Hear my plea. Seize the night for your own reason. Come, appear and show to us that which is infinite power. Cut to a house. Willow follows her charges along the porch to the door. Willow: C'mon, guys. One of the kids wearing a green monster mask on his head rings the bell and steps back. An old lady answers the door. The kid with the mask pulls it down over his face. Kids: Trick-or-treat! Lady: Oh, my goodness, aren't you adorable! Cut to Ethan's. Ethan: Persona se corpum et sanguium commutandum est. Vestra sancta praesentia concrescet viscera. Janus! Sume noctem! Translation: The mask transforms itself into flesh and blood. Your holy presence curdles the heart. Janus! Take the night! Cut to Buffy. A wind begins to blow. She senses something isn't quite right. Cut to the Lady with Willow's kids. She looks into her empty candy bucket. Lady: Oh, dear! Am I all out? Cut to Ethan's. He raises his head. Ethan: Showtime! Cut to the Lady's house. Lady: I could've sworn I had more candy. The kid wearing a red rubber cap with horns morphs into a horned, red skinned monster. Lady: I'm sorry, mister monster. (bends down) Maybe I... The kid with the green mask has changed into a monster also, and grabs the lady by the neck and begins to choke her. The other kids scream and run away. Willow: No! Let her go! The red monster attacks the green one, and he lets go of the lady. The two monsters are at each other's throats. Willow: Stop! What're you doing?! The lady runs into the house and slams the door shut. Willow: Stop! Hey! The two monsters keep fighting. Willow suddenly starts to feel weak. Cut to the street. Xander is standing there watching all the parents and children running around him. Things are being thrown and windows are being broken. Cut to Willow. She staggers a bit as the two monsters keep fighting. Willow: Ohmigod! Can't breathe... She collapses to the floor. Cut to Xander. He jerks back like he's just been hit by something. He bends over slightly, looks down and lowers his toy rifle. Slowly he straightens back up and surveys the scene around him. He raises his rifle again and cradles the fully automatic M-16 in his hands. He shoulders the weapon and spins around, scanning for a target. When he doesn't immediately find one, he takes the rifle from his shoulder and holds it ready. Cut to Willow on the porch. She gets up out of her body and looks down at it. She's only wearing her sexy outfit now without the sheet. Willow: Ohmigod! I'm a real ghost! She hears automatic rifle fire and turns to look. Willow: Xander? She runs out into the street and comes up behind him. Willow: Xander! He spins around and points his M-16 at her. Willow: It's me, Willow! Xander: I don't know any Willow. Willow: Xander, quite messing around. This is no time for jokes. Xander: What the hell's going on here? Willow: You don't know me? Xander: (lifts the rifle away from her) Lady, I suggest you find cover. (starts walking past her) Willow: (gets in front of him) No, wait! Xander walks right through her. They're both surprised by the experience. Willow: Oh! Xander turns around and points his weapon at her again. She turns to face him. Xander: What are you? Willow: Xander, listen to me. I'm on your side, I swear! Something crazy is happening. I was dressed as a ghost for Halloween, a-and now I am a ghost. And you were supposed to be a soldier, and now I, I-I guess you're a real soldier. Xander: You expect me to believe that? A monster appears across the street, growling. Xander points his rifle at it. It runs away. Willow jumps in front of him. Willow: No! No guns! That's still a little kid in there! Xander: Step out of the way! Willow: No guns! That's an order! He lowers the rifle. Willow: We just need to find... (sees her) Buffy! She runs across the street over to Buffy. Xander follows. Willow: Buffy! Are you okay? The monster is back with a friend, and they both roar as they approach. Xander shoulders his M-16 again and takes aim. Xander: This could be a situation. Willow: Buffy, what do we do? Buffy faints and falls to the ground. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The street. Xander fires off a couple dozen rounds at the approaching monsters. They turn and run. Xander lowers his rifle. The camera pans down from him to Willow kneeling beside Buffy, who's lying against a tree. Willow: Buffy, are you alright? Buffy: What? Xander: Are you hurt? Willow: Buffy, are you hurt? Buffy: (sits up) Buffy? Willow: (to Xander) She's not Buffy. Xander: Who's Buffy? Willow: Oh, this is fun. (to Buffy) What year is this? Xander takes Buffy's hand and helps her up. Buffy: 1775, I believe. (confused and hyperventilating) I-I don't understand. Who are you? Willow: We're friends. Buffy: F-friends of whom? Y-your dress... Everything is strange! How did I come to be here? Willow: Breathe, okay, breathe. You're gonna faint again. (to Xander) How are we supposed to get through this without the Slayer? Xander: What's a Slayer? A monster comes around the tree behind Buffy and roars, fangs bared and claws raised to attack. Buffy screams and backs off. Xander jumps in and whacks the monster across the face with the butt of his rifle, knocking it down and out. Xander: I suggest we get inside before we come across anything... Buffy: (screaming) A DEMON! A DEMON! (gets behind Xander) A DEMON! A sport utility vehicle comes driving down the street with its headlights on. Willow: That's not a demon. It's a car. Buffy: What does it want? Xander: Is this woman insane? Willow: She's never seen a car. Xander: She's never seen a car? Willow: She's from the past. Xander: And you're a ghost. Willow: Yes! Now let's get inside. Xander: I just want you to know that I'm taking a lot on faith here. Where do we go? Willow: (thinks) Where's the closest... We can go to a friend's. Cut to the Summers house. Cut to the kitchen. Xander opens the door and scans the room. Xander: All clear! Willow: (walks in) Hello? Mrs. Summers? (no response) Good, she's gone. Xander closes the door. Buffy: Where are we? Willow: Your place. Now we just need to... There's a banging at the front door. Xander goes to investigate, and Willow and Buffy follow. Willow: Don't open it! Xander: Could be a civilian. Willow: Or a mini demon. Buffy notices a picture on a table and goes over to look. She picks it up, and sees it's of her wearing a spaghetti strap top. She turns around as Willow comes over to her. Buffy: This... this could be me. Willow: It *is* you. Buffy, can't you remember at all? Buffy: No! I, I don't understand any of this! Uh, uh, th... This is some other girl! (puts the picture back) I would never wear this, that low apparel, and I don't like this place, and I don't like you, and I just wanna go home! Willow: You *are* home! Buffy is practically in tears. Willow turns back to Xander. Willow: She couldn't've dressed up like Xena? Xander scans the outside through one of the small windows in the door. He moves away just as a monster punches through the glass and reaches for him. It pulls its hand back as Xander raises his M-16. Willow: Not a civilian! Xander: Affirmative! (takes aims through the broken portal) Willow: Hey! What did we say?! Xander lets loose a volley of bullets. Willow winces at the noise. Buffy bows her head and covers her ears. Xander rolls away from the door when he's finished his burst. Xander: Big noise scare monster, remember? Willow: Got it. They hear a woman screaming outside. Xander looks out again. Xander: Damn it! He opens the door and goes out to rescue whomever it is, pulling the door closed behind him. Buffy runs up to Willow. Buffy: Surely he'll not desert us! Willow: (shakes her head) Whatever. She rolls her eyes and heads into the living room. Buffy is wide-eyed with fear. Cut outside. Cordelia screams as she runs from a sasquatch. Cordelia: Somebody help me! She looks back at the monster chasing her and screams. When she turns back around again she runs into Xander. Cordelia: Xander! Help me! Xander: Come inside! He takes her by her elbow and leads her to the house. Cut inside. Willow watches through the window. Xander and Cordelia quickly come in through the door. Willow: Cordelia! Cordelia: Wait a... What's going on? Willow: Okay, your name is Cordelia, you're not a cat, you're in high school, and we're your friends. Well, sort of. Cordelia: That's nice, Willow. And you went mental when? Willow: You know us? Cordelia: Yeah. Lucky me. What's with the name game? Willow: A lot's going on. Cordelia: No kidding. I was just attacked by Jo-Jo, the Dog-Faced Boy. Look at my costume! (shows the torn sleeve) Do you really think that Partytown's gonna give me my deposit back? Not on the likely. Xander has taken his shirt off and puts it around her shoulders. Xander: Here. Cordelia: Thanks. Willow: Okay. You guys stay here while I get some help. If something tries to get in, just fight it off. Buffy: Well, i-it's not our place to fight. Uh, surely some men will protect us. Cordelia: What's that riff? Willow: I-it's like amnesia, okay? They don't know who they are. Just sit tight. (starts to go) Cordelia: Who died and made her the boss? Willow walks through the wall behind Cordelia. Buffy stares in wide-eyed amazement. Cut outside. Several monsters are chasing people down the street past Spike. Spike: Well! This is just... neat! Cut inside. Xander brings a chair over from the dining room. Xander: (to Cordelia) You! Check upstairs. Make sure everything's locked up. He positions the chair to help hold the table they've upended against the window in place. Cordelia heads upstairs. Buffy: Surely there's somewhere we can go. A safe haven. Xander: Lady said stay put. Buffy: You would take orders from a woman? A-are you feeble in some way? Xander: Ma'am, in the Army we have a saying: sit down and shut the... He sees a picture on the floor Xander: Whoa! He picks it up. It's of the three of them. Xander: She must be right. We must have some kind of amnesia. Buffy: I don't know what that is, but I'm certain I don't have it. I bathe quite often! Xander: How do you explain this? Buffy: I don't! I was brought up a proper lady. I-I wasn't meant to understand things. I'm just meant to look pretty, and then someone nice will marry me. Possibly a Baron. Xander: This ain't no tea party, princess. Sooner or later you're gonna have to fight! Buffy: Fight these low creatures? (snotty) I'd sooner die. (crosses her arms) Xander: Then you'll die. Angel comes in from the kitchen. Angel: Oh, good! You guys are alright. It's total chaos out there. They both look at him. Buffy and Xander: Who are you? Cut to the library. Giles is going through a stack of cards he's pulled from the card catalog. He hears yelling and sirens outside and looks up, wondering what's going on. He sees Willow come though the wall and jumps in complete surprise, letting the cards fly all over the place. Giles: Jeez! Willow: Hi. Giles: (calms down a bit) Uh... ah... (speechless) huh... Cut to Buffy's house. Angel: Okay, somebody wanna fill me in? Xander: Do you live here? Angel: No, and you know that. Buffy, (she jumps) I'm lost here. You... What's up with your hair? Cordelia: (comes back in) They don't know who they are, everyone's turned into a monster, it's a whole big thing. (smiles) How are you? The lights go out. Buffy grabs Cordelia in fright. Cordelia: Do you mind? Buffy lets go of her. Xander: (to Angel) You take the princess and secure the kitchen. Catwoman, you're with me. Cordelia follows Xander as Angel heads for the kitchen. Buffy: But I don't wanna go with you! I-I like the man with the musket! Angel: (takes her arm) C'mon. Buffy: Do you have a musket? They go into the kitchen. Angel sees that the door is open. Angel: I didn't leave that open. He quietly moves toward the door as he looks around for an intruder. He closes the door. The basement door behind Buffy opens, and a vampire attacks her. She tries to push the door closed on him. Angel grabs the vampire and wrestles him to the floor. It's the student escort in a vampire costume. Angel: A stake! Buffy: A what? Angel: Get me a stake! Buffy looks around and grabs a knife she sees on the counter. Angel: Hurry up! He turns to look what's keeping her and has his game face on. Buffy screams at the top of her lungs. She runs for the door. Angel: Buffy, no! She opens the door and runs out. Cut to the library. Giles is in the cage getting a stack of old papers. He blows the dust off of them and comes back out. Willow is looking at a book. Willow: I don't even know what I'm looking for. Plus I can't turn the page. Giles: Well, alright, l-let's, let's, let's review. (sets the papers on the table) Um, so everybody became, uh, whatever they were masquerading as. Willow: Right. Xander was a soldier and Buffy was an 18th-century girl. Giles: (confused) A-and, uh, your, your costume? Willow: I'm a ghost! Giles: Yes. Um... w, uh, uh, uh, the ghost of what, exactly? Willow: (covers her midriff with her arms) Well, this is nothing. You should see what Cordelia was wearing. A-a, a unitard with cat things, like ears and stuff. Giles: Good heavens. Uh, sh-sh-she became an actual feline? Willow: No! She was the same old Cordelia. Just in a cat costume. Giles: She didn't change. Willow: No. Hold on... Partytown. She told us she got her outfit from Partytown. Giles: A-a-and everyone who changed, they, they, they, they acquired their costumes where? Willow: We all got ours at a new place. Ethan's. Cut to an alley. Buffy runs between all the trash that's piled up there. Cut to the street. Cordelia, Angel and Xander are looking for Buffy. Xander has his rifle raised and ready. The camera follows them as they walk. Xander: Are you sure she came this way? Angel: No. Cordelia: She'll be okay. Angel: *Buffy* would be okay. Whoever she is now, she's helpless. C'mon! The camera moves behind a tree where Spike is hiding and overhearing their conversation. He turns to the child monsters Willow was chaperoning. Spike: Do you hear that, my friends? The monsters nod and growl. Spike: Somewhere out here is the (cut to Buffy running down the alley) *tenderest* meat you've *ever* tasted, and all *we* have to do is find her first! Buffy has stopped running and leans against a crate. She sniffs and looks around, frightened. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The alley. Buffy looks around, trying to decide what to do. She lifts her skirt a bit and starts to walk. She turns around to look behind her and takes a few steps backward. When she turns back around Larry, who has turned into a pirate, startles her. He smiles widely at her, showing his rotten teeth. Larry: Pretty, pretty! Buffy tries to run away, and Larry gives chase. Cut to Ethan's Costume Shop. Giles looks around as he and Willow come in. Giles: Hello! Anyone home? Willow sees the curtain to the back room partially open. Willow: Giles... They slowly go in and see the statue of Janus there. Its eyes glow green. Giles: Janus. Roman mythical god. Willow: What does this mean? Giles: Primarily the division of self. Male and female, light and dark. Ethan: (appears) Chunky and creamy. Oh, no, sorry, that's peanut butter. Giles stares at Ethan as though he's seen a ghost. Giles: Willow, get out of here, now. Willow: But... Giles: Now! She obeys him and goes. Giles: Hello, Ethan. Ethan: Hello, Ripper. Cut to the alley. Buffy backs away from Larry. She turns to run, but trips and falls. Her gown billows out around her. Larry grabs her as she tries to get up and shoves her against a crate. He pushes her hair away from her frightened face and moves in to kiss her. Xander comes running and tackles Larry down to the pavement. He gets up and pulls Larry up and into a metal warehouse door. He punches him in the face and gut. Larry pushes him off and into the opposite alley wall and punches him back in the gut. Xander grabs Larry's arm and pulls it behind his back, forcing him to bend over, and knees him in the stomach. Cordelia arrives behind Buffy with Angel. Cordelia: Buffy! Are you okay? Buffy sees Angel, yelps and cowers behind a box. Cordelia: What's your deal? Take a pill! Larry attacks Xander with his pirate's sword. Xander sidesteps him, grabs him by the wrist and twists his arm around, making him drop the sword. He lifts Larry back up and punches him, sending him sprawling into a pile of trash. Buffy: He's, he's a vampire! Cordelia: (to Angel) She's got this thing where she thinks... (exasperated) Uhhh, forget it. (to Buffy) It's okay. Angel is a good vampire. He would never hurt you. Buffy: (slowly stands up) Really? Cordelia: Absolutely. He's our friend. Angel heads over to Xander fighting Larry. Xander punches Larry, sending him into the pile of trash and a stack of boxes again. Several boxes fall off of the top and onto Larry. He is knocked out cold. Xander: (to Angel) It's strange, but beating up that pirate gave me a weird sense of closure. Willow comes running down the alley from the other end. Willow: Guys! Angel: Willow! Willow: Guys, you gotta get inside. She looks back and they see Spike and his monster gang coming. Xander: We need a triage! Angel: (points the other way) This way! Find an open warehouse. Xander turns and picks up his rifle. Xander: Ladies, we're on the move! He quickly heads down the alley. Cordelia and Willow follow him. Angel lifts Buffy and carries her away. Spike and the monsters walk after them at a quick, deliberate pace. Cut to Ethan's. Ethan: What? No hug? Aren't you pleased to see your old mate, Rupert? Giles: I'm just surprised I didn't guess it was you. This Halloween stunt stinks of Ethan Rayne. Ethan: Yes, it does, doesn't it? Don't wish to blow my own trumpet, but it's genius. The very embodiment of 'be careful what you wish for'. Giles: It's sick, brutal, and it harms the innocent. Ethan: Oh, and we all know that you are the champion of innocents and all things pure and good, Rupert. It's quite a little act you've got going here, old man. Giles: It's no act. It's who I am. Ethan: Who you are? The Watcher, sniveling, tweed-clad guardian of the Slayer and her kin? I think not. I know who you are, Rupert, and I know what you're capable of. (considers) But they don't, do they? They have no idea where you come from. Giles: Break the spell, Ethan. Then leave this place and never come back. Ethan: Why should I? What's in the bargain for me? Giles: You get to live. Ethan: Oh, Rupert, you're scaring me. Giles punches him in the gut with a left, making him double over, and follows up with a right to the face. Cut to the alley. Angel has gotten ahead of the others and finds an open warehouse. Angel: Over here! Xander pushes the door aside, and they all hurry in. Xander: Check if there are any other ways in! He slides the door closed again as Angel sets Buffy back down on her feet next to Cordelia. Angel: Just stay here.

Plan: A: Costume shop owner Ethan Rayne; Q: Who casts a spell that transforms kids into their costume personae? A: Willow; Q: Who becomes a ghost? A: Xander; Q: Who is transformed into a soldier? A: 18th-century; Q: What century is Buffy transformed into? A: Spike; Q: Who tries to take advantage of Buffy's predicament? A: the fun; Q: What does Spike join? A: the Slayer's predicament; Q: What is Spike trying to take advantage of? A: Giles; Q: Who breaks Ethan's spell? A: a critical moment; Q: When does Giles break Ethan's spell? Summary: Costume shop owner Ethan Rayne casts a spell that transforms kids into their costume personae. Angel and Cordelia try to help as Willow becomes a ghost, Xander a soldier, and Buffy a brainless, helpless 18th-century noblewoman. Spike joins the fun and tries to take advantage of the Slayer's predicament, but Giles breaks Ethan's spell at a critical moment.

"The Superhero in the Alley" [SCENE_BREAK] [Aerial view of Washinton D.c.] Voice of a man on the radio: 7:30 right now. Coming up, a recap of a disturbing story- Man 2: ...the skeletal remains discovered by a group of sixth-grade students in Anacostia. Woman: The remains have not yet been identified, according to police and there's no word as to wether foul play is suspected. [Cut to inside the truck of a TV station. The reporter woman appears on a screen. The camera then shift and we can see the woman standing outside the truck] Reporter woman: Dale, the word most repeated by the young witnesses we spoke to: "horror". As in it looked like a horror movie. [Sirens wailing] Voice: Nah we're going to be going for another take. [Booth and FBI deputy director, Cullen, appears walking out of the alley] BOOTH: I hate press cases. CULLEN: Yes sir. More than three cameras show up, some homicide detective kicks it up to his captain who kicks it up to the chief, who kicks it to the F.B.I.- BOOTH: And you - bang - kick it down to me. Which I thank you for, sir - the opportunity. [They stop at the crime scene yellow tape] CULLEN: Booth, I want this closed. I don't want to pick up next Sunday's Post and read "Church kids find mystery corpse dressed for Halloween, F.B.I. remains clueless". BOOTH: I garantee you won't read that, sir. Okay? I-I'm on it. [Brennan and Zack arrive] Bones. Reporter woman: A body left to rot- BRENNAN: Got here as soon as I could. BOOTH: Yeah. Thanks for coming. I pull you from anything important? [They walk toward the crime scene] BRENNAN: A 9,600 year old Caucasoid female skeleton was found in the Kunlun Moutains in China last month. An international investigation is under way. I'm contributing stress marker analysis. [view of them from above, walking in the alley] BOOTH: I think you're gonna find this, uh, very interesting too. [Camera zooms on the dead body. The skeleton seems to be wearing some kind of armor outfit. Brennan approaches.] BOOTH: Oh... BRENNAN: What the hell is he wearing? It's lightweight. Composite. BOOTH: I think it was some kind of sexual bondage suit. And there's that bag. It's full of maggots. BRENNAN: Looks like cellulose in there, degraded from bodily tissues and decomposing fat. BOOTH: And maggots. [Zack takes pictures of the body. Shutter clicking] ZACK: Tibial plateau fractures and ground disturbance suggest total body impact. BOOTH: Okay. So did he jump, or was he pushed, Bones? BRENNAN: That's what we have to figure out. We can take the skeleton in. Give you a report, maybe after next week. BOOTH: No you don't have to solve the whole case. Just tell me if I'm looking at a murder. Maybe, you know, pull a quick I.D.? [He smiles] BRENNAN: Don't use your charm smile on me. BOOTH: What? It's a mark of respect. That's all. [Jeffersonian Insitute. Zack and Brennan are on the platform, examining the body lying down on one of the tables] ZACK: Epiphyseal union with the diaphysis on the wrist, knees and ankles suggests the victim was between 14 and 18 years old. 1.6 meters tall, a very slight build suggesting he was at the younger end of the scale. [Hodgins arrives] HODGINS: That tracks with the bag. The degraded cellulose we found is a graphic novel. BRENNAN: A what? HODGINS: It's a comic book. ZACK: I never read comic books. HODGINS: Really? I had you pegged for a graphic novel nut. ZACK: The face and cranial vault are badly fractured. Blows to the parietal have sent radiating fracture lines between the mid, frontal and anterior temporal buttresses. Why? HODGINS: Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate, Battlestar Galactica. BRENNAN: Focusing, gentlemen. ZACK: Conclusion: brutal assault killed him. BRENNAN: He was dropped...after he was was already dead. HODGINS: His killer wanted it to look like a suicide. [Silence] BRENNAN: Let's get his dentals into the N.C.I.C., see if we can find a match. Zack, call Stockholm and Beijing. Our research data on the other thing is going to be delayed. [Cut to close-up of the victim files, hold by Brennan. Booth and Brennan are in a car] BOOTH: It's Warren Granger, age 17. BRENNAN: 17, small for his age. BOOTH: Yeah. Well, he was homeschooled. G.E.D. obtained last summer. Mother and stepfather reported him missing form this very block two months ago. Hey, listen. Bones, you know, if you want, uh, sit this part out, hey I know you got some ancient Chinese bones waiting. BRENNAN: No. I'm on this now. [Cut to outside of the car, turning down the driveway of Warren's parents house] BRENNAN: Looks like every other house in the neighbourhood. BOOTH: EVery family has its secrets, Bones. [Dog barking] [Cut to the inside of the house, in Warren's bedroom. Warren's parents, Booth and Brennan are present. Warren's mother picks up a frame and looks at the picture inside] WARREN'S MOTHER: This was Warren's room. No one's been up here since the detective first looked it over. WARREN'S STEPFATHER: The news said there was hardly anything left of him. [Warren's mother sobs and leaves the room] BOOTH: Can you think of anyone who might have wanted to harm Warren in any way? WARREN'S STEPFATHER: He was always by himself. No friends. No ennemies. Spent all his time up here with his comic books and toys. [Camera shows comic books drawing plasered on the walls] He was a lonely kid. Died before he even had a life. I really thought he had just run away. [He walks toward the entrance of the room] We tried. Tried to get him out of this place into some kind of real life. I even got him a job at the bowling alley. But... he just spent all his money on this... stuff. [He leaves] BOOTH: Unbelievable. [sighs] [He picks up a couple of comic books] It's quite the collection of comic books. BRENNAN: Hodgins said that the cellulose mass was a graphic novel. He sent it to Angela for analysis and recovery. BOOTH: Sweet. BRENNAN: Sweet? BOOTH: [Holding one of the comic books] This is Batman number 127, featuring the hammer of the Thor. This is worth about 300 bucks. BRENNAN: Booth, are you a nerd? BOOTH: First of all, you mean "geek". And no, I'm not. Okay? It's quite normal for an American male to read comic books. BRENNAN: I find it hard to believe you have anything in common with Warren Granger. BOOTH: Oh, you mean isolated with an inner secret life? No. I'd say you were more like Warren. [Brennan's cell phone buzzes. She picks it up and read the message] BRENNAN: Zack discovered some significant hairline parry fractures on the right and left ulnae. [Booth picks up a plastic bag bearing the inscription Karma Comics] BRENNAN: That's arms. BOOTH: I know ulna means forearm. I pay attention. I also know that parry fracture means that the kid fought back, Bones. BRENNAN: Small stature, a geek, and he fought back. BOOTH: Yeah. He also got thrown from a roof. [Brennan checks on the computer] BRENNAN: There's nothing but games on here. There's no journal, there's no documents, nothing personal. What did he do at his desk? I mean, there's light. The rug's worn. He used this area for something. [She sits down at the desk] What was it? BOOTH: Probably were he read his comic books. [Brennan takes out a sheet of paper from a drawer, places it on the desk and starts scribbling on it with a pencil. Marks from the desk appears.] BRENNAN: I think Warren sat here and wrote longhand... with a ballpoint pen. BOOTH: That's pretty retro for a geek. Hmmm. Well, at least we know where he got the idea for a costume. [He drops a comic book on the desk] Citizen 14. BRENNAN: [Grabs the comic book entitled Citizen 14] Superhero. [OPENING CREDITS] [At the Jeffersonian Institute, Angela's office. Images of the comic book found with Warren's body are displayed on the computer screen] ANGELA: Hodgins dried out and separated the pages. I digitized them an ajusted for ink seepage. BRENNAN: [looking at the computer screen] Was this printed commercially? ANGELA: No. It's a prototype. It's handmade. BRENNAN: That's what he was writing at his desk. BOOTH: A comic book starring himself. GOODMAN: A shy adolescent young man renders himself as a superhero. BOOTH: Alone in that room all the time. Maybe Warren got consummed by his own fantasy. BRENNAN: Do you think he was actually out fighting crime? BOOTH: Well, the boy got beaten to a pulp by wearing his superhero outfit in the heaviest crime area of D.C., Bones. GOODMAN: As you know, being a writer yourself, Dr. Brennan, Warren Granger's comic book could be infused with his real-life fears and conflicts. BRENNAN: Especially in the case of an adolescent writer. BOOTH: Can you retrieve any more of this? ANGELA: Yeah, sure. BRENNAN: Fine. What's our next step? BOOTH: Oh, we'll go see if Warren had any friends his mother didn't know about. [Cut to a street, showing the exterior of the Karma Comics store in the background. The camera zooms on Booth and Brennan inside the store as they're talking to the owner] ELLIS: Wait a minute. Warren Granger was the skeleton corpse those kids found? BOOTH: Yeah. Sounds like you were close. ELLIS: How long was he laying there all dead like that? BRENNAN: Well, for a while. BOOTH: How well did you know Warren, Mr. Ellis? [Inside the store] ELLIS: He came in here all the time. You know, he, uh, knew his stuff. He was a nice kid. Really nice guy. BOOTH: Something you're not telling us? ELLIS: What do you mean? BOOTH: You seem a little nervous. ELLIS: Well, you just told me that someone I-I know is this rotting skeletal corpse that's been all over the news. [Thumping above] What do you expect? BRENNAN: [Looking up] There a party upstairs? ELLIS: Oh, it's the, uh Doomsday Group. I rent it out thursday nights. [Rock muffled] Hey, wait. Um, Warren was actually one of them. BOOTH: Oh. Well, you know, that's a handy thing to remember. Anything else you forgot to mention to me? ELLIS: No, that's- that's it I think. [Cut to room upstairs; loud music is playing. Brennan enters, next followed by Booth and Ellis. A bunch of guys, wearing costume, seem to be arguing] Guy 1: Can't take that away. Guy 2: We can't keep breaking out 20-sided- Guy 1: [Noticing Brennan] Excuse me. This is a private function. So good-bye. BRENNAN: Go ahead. Don't let me stop you fr- What are you doing exactly? BOOTH: [Chuckles] Guys, this is actually a real live woman. Something you don't see often. Guy 1: And like I said, this is a private function. So- ELLIS: It's the F.B.I. Just turn it off for a minute. Please. [The girl turns off the music] Guy 3: F.B.I.? Guy 1: I'm Yasutani the Terrible. I speak for this clan. [Booth and Brennan exchange a look] BOOTH: Okay. Well, we- we'd like to ask you a few questions if you're not too, uh, busy. BRENNAN: The costume, the social awkwardness, the active fantasy life. The victim would fit right into the subgrouping. BOOTH: Okay. Hey, uh, Mister, uh, "Yakitori the Horrible", what's your real name? Guy 1: Jeremy Kuznetsky. BRENNAN: Do any of you people know Warren Granger? Girl: Something happened to Warren, didn't it? ELLIS: Warren's dead. He was murdered. BOOTH: No. I never said anything about him being murdered. Neither did the press. JEREMY: Well, obviously, if you're the F.B.I., he was murdered. You guys don't investigate people getting hit by a bus. BOOTH: Hey when's the last time any of you have seen Warren? JEREMY: A couple months ago when he left. BRENNAN: Left? JEREMY: Citizen 14 was one of us. Until he went psycho and bugged out. Called us all posers. Guy 3: Pathetic fantasists. BRENNAN: Uh, was he wearing his, um, outfit? JEREMY: His identity. Yeah. BRENNAN: Why do you wear these identities? Guy 3: For the game. BOOTH: How serious do you take the game? JEREMY: It's only fun if you take it seriously. BRENNAN: You always play here? Guy 2: You know, "play" is not exactly the right verb. Okay? JEREMY: [Talking over guy 2] Don't even try to explain it to them. Girl: Shut up! Who cares? Didn't you hear? Warren't is dead! Guy 2: It's okay, Minnow! BOOTH: What's you name? Girl: Blue Minnow. BOOTH: Okay, guys. When I ask your names, I want the ones that your parents gave you. Girl: Abigail Zealy. Citizen 14 was my partner. BRENNAN: Is that what you call Warren? Citizen 14? ABIGAIL: Citizen 14 was my partner. Warren was my friend. JEREMY: He was a little more than that. [Abigail gets up and leaves abruptly] ELLIS: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. [Cut to the street, view of the car then inside the car] BRENNAN: I don't like to judge an entire subculture, but those people gave me the creeps. BOOTH: That's because they are creepy. What I mean is those kids at the store weren't your good old harmless "tutor you in math" geeks. They were the, uh, you know, "set the school on fire" geeks. Dark nerds. Columbine nerds. BRENNAN: Columbine? You think Yasutani the Terrible's actually capable of murders? BOOTH: I think, you know, they get high, you know, they play these games, they lose their grip in reality. And, you know, they start to believe they are these characters. BRENNAN: You mean like Warren out fighting crime. BOOTH: You know, hey, maybe Warren and that guy, uh, the leader, "Yasuhama"- BRENNAN: Yasutani the Terrible. BOOTH: Yeah. Yasutani the Terrible. Maybe- Maybe him and that guy, you know, they got into this, uh, you know, magic fight, and uh, it became real. BRENNAN: So you're saying it wasn't Warren who was murdered. It was his character, Citizen 14. BOOTH: They're so delusional they don't even know that they've committed a crime. BRENNAN: I'll get Hodgins to see if there's any signs of drug use in Warren's hair. [Cut to the Jeffersonian, Angela's office. She's looking at the computer screen where Warren's comic book is still displayed] ANGELA: Oh, I managed to get some of the text back from this panel. Cheerful little tyke. GOODMAN: Writer was in pain. And I don't think it was purely the adolescent angst of the outsider. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it wasn't mere psychological pain. He's afraid of actual physical death. [Footsteps approaching. Brennan and Booth enter] ANGELA: Can you really pull all that information from a comic book? GOODMAN: Absolutely. All writers reveal more of themselves than they intend on every page. BOOTH: You know I gotta tell you, I never bought all that English 101 stuff. Sometimes a river is just a river. BRENNAN: All due respect, but my writing, for example, is pure fiction. GOODMAN: Dr.Brennan, I fear you reveal much more of your worldview in your writing than you realize. BRENNAN: Such as? GOODMAN: Such as "Archaeologists make good administrators because they enjoy tedium". ANGELA: Such as "Artists are doomed to a life of loneliness because they aren't able to think beyond instant gratification". BOOTH: Such as, you know, F.B.I. guys are hot, and Angela here wants to have s*x with me. ANGELA: Yeah. BRENNAN, looking uncomfortable: Well, all I'm suggesting is that while Mr.Goodman goes through Warren's writing we should concentrate on the hypotheses that are congruent with forensic evidence. I'm going to take another look at Warren Granger's remains. [She leaves the room] [Cut to the platform, Warren's body is still on one of the table] ZACK: In the last 24 hours, I've read several dozen comic books and graphic novels. BRENNAN: Did Hodgins find any sign of drug use? ZACK: No. They're quite interesting. The graphic novels esppecially. BRENNAN: After you clean the bones, look for scoring on the occipital condyle and the inferior nuchal line. ZACK: They're bascically a retelling of the Greek myths with all the superheroes standing in for Hercules. Half god, half human. BRENNAN: [Examining the remains closely] Okay. Be very careful here. X-ray shows fragmentation of the... cervical vertebrae consistent with sharp force trauma. ZACK: Invulnerability, superstrenght, heightened senses, telekinesis... I would love to have some of those powers. BRENNAN: Why? ZACK: I- I don't really know. Is it an odd desire? BRENNAN: Why fantasize? You're smart. ZACK: In some ways my intelligence is a handicap. Well, for one thing, I'm weird. For another, I tend to make people feel stupid, and they resent me for it. BRENNAN: I suspect it's the same for superpowers. [She pauses and looks at Zack] The victim was stabbed here at the base of the spine. The spinal cord was severed. That's what killed him. ZACK: I'll clean the bones and try to match a weapon to the damage done. BRENNAN: Which will make you a real hero in a real world. [she starts leaving] [Cut to Angela's office; comic book pages on the computer screen, showing a blond woman surrounded by a radiant blue light] GOODMAN: In this restored panel from the second and finale volume of Citizen 14, we begin to see a female presence- beautiful, etheral- which he call the Opalescence. ANGELA: A girl he literally can't approach. What if Warren was only... you know, supplying his own masturbatory materials? GOODMAN: Yes. Lonely adolescent boy. But the story moves beyond that dimension. Here [the camera shows a page of the comic featuring the woman surround by blue and a dark character], we see the idolized female Opalescence cowering before a dark male figure referred to only as the Twisted. ANGELA: So Citizen 14 wants to rescue the Opalescence from the Twisted. Could this be Warren's mother and stepfather? GOODMAN: Hmm. There are elements of romantic love. This girl, surrounded by blue. ANGELA: You know, they did mention that one of those comic book geeks was a blue girl. GOODMAN: I'd say she's definitely worth questionning. [Cut to the F.B.I. building, Booth's office. He and Brennan are interrogating Abigail] BOOTH: Blue Minnow- that's your alter ego. ABIGAIL: Abigail Zealy is my alter ego. BOOTH: Did you, Abigail, have a relationship with Warren Granger or did the Blue Minnow have a relationship with Citizen 14? BRENNAN: Or any combination thereof. ABIGAIL: Neither. Warren had a girlfriend. At Capital Bowl. BOOTH: What's the girlfriend's name, Abby? ABIGAIL: He never told us her name. It was just a physical thing. And- And it was almost over. Warren and I had a connection. He couldn't deny that. Before he disappeared, he gave me his entire Neil Gaiman collection. His favorite work beside his own. BRENNAN: In his own work he describes a woman known as the Opalescence. Do you believe that's supposed to be you? [Booth shows Abigail the pages of the comic where the Opalescence appears] ABIGAIL: What do you think? BRENNAN: We think it's another girl entirely. [Abilgail looks disapointed, she looks down] BOOTH: Does that bother you? ABIGAIL: Okay. Maybe the others told you I'm obsessed. I know. Because they never got Warren like I did. He was right. They are posers. BOOTH: But Warren wasn't. ABIGAIL: Warren believed. He believed in truth. He believed in doing what was right. He was Citizen 14. Citizen 14 is real. BRENNAN: Warren didn't fit in with the others? ABIGAIL: I just said. Warren was better. He was a really nice guy. BOOTH: Were you aware that, uh, Jeremy Kuznetsky and, uh, Kenneth Vert had police records? [He approaches and hands her the records. She looks at them] ABIGAIL: Yeah. It's nothing interesting though. It's like vandalism and trespassing. You can't take them seriously. BRENNAN: What? As criminals? ABIGAIL: As anything. BRENNAN: Okay. Well, what would be interesting- as a crime? ABIGAIL: Something that took courage. Something that meant something. BOOTH: Like murder? ABIGAIL: Yeah. Like murder. [Cut to the lab; Brennan, Booth and Angela are gathered around the "Angelator"] ANGELA: Warren Granger on the night he died, wearing his costume. BRENNAN: Okay. Start the sequence. [Images of Warren and the Twisted appears. The latter stabs Warren at the base of his neck] Cause of death was a severed spinal cord. We can rule out Abigail Zealy as the killer. BOOTH: How do you figure? BRENNAN: Abigail doesn't have enough strenght to sever Warren's spinal cord with one blow. BOOTH: What about his stepdad? Or the, uh, other kids at the comic shop? BRENNAN: Well, the physicality of the murderer is between 5'10" and 6'1"... I'd say yes to them all, depending on the weapon. [Silence] ANGELA: What could he have done to make somebody so angry at him? BRENNAN: Zack's cleaning the bones now. Maybe we'll find something that we've missed. [Cut to the room when Zack's cleaning the bones. He's sitting down, feet on a table, reading a comic book. Hodgins enters] HODGINS: What are you reading? ZACK: I'm doing research. [Alarm beeping; Zack gets up to go get the clean bones out] HODGINS: By reading a comic book? ZACK: Intensely allegorical modern myths. HODGINS: You're reading Bugs Bunny, man. ZACK: On the surface, yes, but if you dig deeper the subtext becomes apparent. [He puts on gloves and open the incubator] The conflict is representative of the Darwinian struggle between avians and mammals for dominance. HODGINS: Based on Bugs giving Daffy Duck a cigar made out of dynamite? ZACK: Yeah. [Takes a bone out, put it on a tray and brings it to the table near Hodgins. He points at the comic book Hodgins's holding] And then here he explodes. But not really. HODGINS: [Looking at the bone] You have a problem, my man. ZACK: What? HODGINS: Looks like you degraded the bones. ZACK: [Taking out more bones] Impossible. It's only a 4% peroxide solution. HODGINS: Then what's that bubbling and pitting on the periosteum? ZACK: A 4% solution wouldn't cause that. HODGINS: So, what? It's some kind of systemic deterioration? ZACK: [Examining the bones more closely under a light] The intertrochanteric crest is almost totally eaten away. HODGINS: What do you think it is? ZACK: This kid was sick. [Cut to Capital Bowl; Booth is wearing is bowling outfit. He and Brennan are looking at the lanes] BOOTH: You smell that? BRENNAN: Yes, I do. BOOTH: You know what that is, Bones? BRENNAN: Wax, popcorn. Feet, deodorant. BOOTH: That, is America, Bones. BRENNAN: Keep your bowling ball in the car? BOOTH: Oh, you know, I figure we ask a few questions about Warren Granger, maybe bowl a few frames... You know, nothing like a little sport to, uh, take the edge off of- BRENNAN: This is not a sport. BOOTH: How do you figure? BRENNAN: There's no physical benefit. So it's really like golf. It's not a sport, it's an activity. BOOTH: You know, could you please, Bones maybe just for once try not to piss everyone off around you? [They start walking away from the lanes] BRENNAN: Yeah. Sorry. Are you good at this... sport? BOOTH: Well, my average was over 200, less than 2 opens per game. One match I had 211 strikes out of 431 shots. 29 opens in 39 games. BRENNAN: What does that mean? BOOTH: Means I won some bowling awards. BRENNAN: I won the Marshall H. Dixon Award for my paper on George John Romanes and physiological selection. BOOTH: My God, it's like we lead parallel lives. [They arrive at the counter] Man behind the counter: Need shoes? BOOTH: Yeah. Uh, looking for the manager. [Shows his badge] Man behind the counter: [Points at his name tag] Ted McGruder. F.B.I, huh? BOOTH: Yeah. We're, uh, investigating the death of one of your employees. BRENNAN: Warren Granger. TED: Warren? When he didn't show up for his last paycheck I thought he just found another job and didn't want to give notice. He was weird like that. Cool kid though. [The geeks from the comic books store are here] One of them: Bye, bye, Lucy! JEREMY: Come on. Don't pout. [All laughing] LUCY: Ted, I talked to 'em, but they just keep giving me lip. TED: Luce, these people are with the F.B.I. They're here about Warren Granger. LUCY: Warren? What about him? BRENNAN: He's deceased. LUCY: Oh, my God. [to Ted] I told you he didn't quit. TED: I was wrong. [to Booth and Brennan] Th-This is my wife, Lucy. LUCY: Sorry. BOOTH: That's okay. How often do those kids come in here? TED: Those jokers? Weekends mostly. But they used to come in a lot more, but in these crazy costumes. I told them I'd allow it on Halloween, but that's it. BOOTH: Warren's girlfriend here? We were informed that Warren's girlfriend worked here. TED: Well, if you ever met Warren, you'd know he's not the girlfriend type of kid. LUCY: There was a girl who came by to see him sometimes. [Booth show them a picture of Abigail] LUCY: Yeah. Yeah. Th-That's her. I-I don't know her name but I don't think Warren was all that glad to see her. If she called he would ask me to tell her that he wasn't here. [Brennan's cell phone rings] BRENNAN: [Answering the call] Brennan. TED: Maybe he was just trying to dodge her. BOOTH: Excuse me. Just one moment, please. Thanks. BRENNAN: Okay. Slow down, Zack, and repeat that. ZACK: [at the lab] Hypercellularity with total effacemenbt of the marrow space. Osteoblasts at 26%. BRENNAN: Okay. Good work, Zack. Keep working on the weapon I.D. [She hangs up] BOOTH: I take it we're not gonna be getting any bowling in tonight, huh? BRENNAN: Zack said that if Warren hadn't been murdered 2 months ago, he'd be dead by now. [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to a room in the F.B.I. building. Booth and Brennan are talking to Warren's parents] BOOTH: When you said that Warren was sick as a child, you meant leukemia. WARREN'S MOTHER: Yes. But by the time he was 11, he was in remission. BRENNAN: The hypercellular activity I saw is only present in advanced cancer cases. He must have been very ill. You didn't notice? WARREN'S STEPFATHER: We tried to be there for Warren, but he wouldn't let us in. Right when you thought you'd built a bridge of trust, he'd quit on you. He quit trying to face reality. BOOTH: Maybe your son didn't want you to have to face it. He knew his situation was dire, and he decided to tough it out on his own. WARREN'S MOTHER: Yes. He saw what it did to me the first time. It's not that he quit. It's that he didn't want me to suffer. [Cut to the lab] BRENNAN: You told her that her son didn't tell her about being sick to make her feel better. BOOTH: Mm-hmm. BRENNAN: You don't really believe that. BOOTH: People don't actually do that. BRENNAN: So you told her to make her feel better? BOOTH: Right. BRENNAN: So you just did what you said people don't do. I wonder why he didn't tell his mother. BOOTH: Well, maybe he was all caught up in the romance of being a dying superhero. You know, adolescent angst, all that. BRENNAN: What do you really think? BOOTH: [sighs] The truth is I think the boy was looking to be a man. All on his own without any help. He was doing the best that he could. BRENNAN: Heroes don't whine about being sick. BOOTH: Something like that. Poor kid. [Hodgins, Angela and Goodman walk in] HODGINS: Do they know about the leukemia? BRENNAN: No. He kept it a secret. HODGINS: Tough guy, huh? BOOTH: You were right on before about the kid knowing he was facing imminent death. This changes motivation. HODGINS: The killer's motivation? BOOTH: No. Warren Granger's. GOODMAN: You think he was emboldened by the knowledge he was going to die. HODGINS: He went looking for a fight. ANGELA: He went looking for the Twisted. BRENNAN: Wait. No. Wait. We are allowing the comic book story to generate too many hypotheses. HODGINS: I only heard the "go get the bad guy" hypothesis. GOODMAN: It's too general. BRENNAN: Yes. Perhaps the Opalescence represented Warren's better nature and the Twisted was a reflection of his darker sexual impulses. A theme I assume is common in teenage fiction. And the drawings- [She pauses] BOOTH: Hello? Bones? BRENNAN: The drawings... Warren wrote the comics but there was no evidence in his room that he knew how to draw. ZACK: Dr.Brennan, I found an extra piece of bone I can't account for. BRENNAN: Someone else drew the comic. [She leaves] ANGELA: [Flipping through the comic book] Stew Ellis. BOOTH: What about him? ANGELA: Look. Warren Granger wrote this comic book, but it was drawn by Stew Ellis. [Cut to the comic book store. Booth is interrogating Ellis again] ELLIS: Look. I told you I knew Warren from the store, okay? He was a serious investor. BOOTH: Did he owe you money Stew? ELLIS: What? BOOTH: Was it, uh, creative differences or was it you just didn't get enough credit? [He shows Ellis a page of the comic book] ELLIS: [sighs] No. It was none of that. BOOTH: Look. Why didn't you tell me you were partners when I asked you earlier? ELLIS: 'Cause we had a big argument, and I didn't want you to think I had a motive. BOOTH: Okay. What did you argue about? Abigail Zealy? ELLIS: No, man. Just merchandising. BOOTH: You argued about merchandising? ELLIS: Yeah. Warren thought he deserved 70% for the concept but I think, since I did the actual drawings, I- BOOTH: Do you have a publisher? ELLIS: No. And now we never will. Look, if- [Bell jingles, someone enters the shop. Ellis speaks lower] ELLIS: If you think that I killed Warren, I'm not that stupid, man. BOOTH: So who do you think killed Warren? ELLIS: I- I don't know. Definitely not me, okay? BOOTH: Well, you know, Stew, as of this moment you're the prime suspect in Warren's murder. ELLIS: [sighs] Why? BOOTH: Why? Because you lied about your relationship with Warren. So if I were you, I would think really, really hard if there's anything else you haven't told me. ELLIS: All right. Abby. BOOTH: Abby. Triangle. ELLIS: [nods] Look. I hooked up with her a few times, but she was obsessed with Warren. BOOTH: So you did argue about her? ELLIS: No, man. Warren never wanted Abby. BOOTH: Okay. Maybe it made you jealous that she wanted him? ELLIS: Dude, Abby's cute in a chick geek kind of way but she's definitely not that kind of Betty you go to the death chamber for. BOOTH: Okay Stew, you know what? You're just one of those guys who's way too good at lying. ELLIS: Dude, I'm an artist. What do you want? [Cut to the lab, close up of bones on the computer screen. Zack and Brennan are around the table where the bones are] ZACK: I found the extra piece of bone lodged here in the odontoid process of C2. I-I went through all the chipping and damage again but I can't find where it comes from. BRENNAN: [She sits down and looks at the fragment of bone under a microscope] Well, it's not from the cervical vertebrae. ZACK: Oh, it's not? BRENNAN: It's from a long bone. Probably the deltoid process of a humerus. ZACK: Arm bone? BRENNAN: I need you to set up the microtome. And get me paraffin and an embedding mold. ZACK: Are you going to prep your own bone slide? BRENNAN: Yes. ZACK: Usually I do that for you. BRENNAN: This is a tough one, Zack. The piece is small, and I need to make sure there's enough left for a DNA sample. ZACK: Wait. Warren Granger's are bones are complete. This extra bone fragment didn't come from Warren Granger. BRENNAN: Warren Granger was the victim of a violent attack. He fought back. It's possible that during that struggle he struck his attacker with the same weapon that was later used to kill him. ZACK: Which means that piece of bone could've come from his murderer. [Cut to the bones room at the Jeffersonian Institute; Brennan is prepping the bone fragment] [Brennan exhales] [Booth enters the room, whistling] BOOTH: What are you doing? BRENNAN: Breathing on the sample dissipates static electricity and makes it easier to cut. BOOTH: You seem nervous. BRENNAN: If I get this right I'll be able to tell you the age, s*x and race of Warren Granger's killer. BOOTH: Stew was the artist. BRENNAN: Really? You think he killer Warren over artistic differences? BOOTH: He also had a thing for Abby. BRENNAN: Wow. BOOTH: Yeah. For a recluse, Warren Granger- He had his thumb in a lot of pies. BRENNAN: You said before that Warren reminded you of me. You think I'm just like him, that he hid from life by immersing himself in a fantasy world where he fought crime. And I do the same thing, only I don't have superpowers. I... I have science. BOOTH: No, Bones. You do fight crime. It's not a fantasy. As far as any normal person is concerned, you do have superpowers. BRENNAN: You're just saying that to me. BOOTH: No, I don't do that. BRENNAN: Yes, you do. You lied to Warren Granger's mother to make her feel better. That seems to be your superpower. BOOTH: Look. This piece of bone you're analyzing- How did he get lodged in Warren Granger's neck? BRENNAN: It was deposited by the same weapon that severed his spinal cord. BOOTH: Doesn't make it the killer's bone. BRENNAN: Are you thinking a- a separate murder victim? BOOTH: Opalescense. Uh, the woman he loved. BRENNAN: I don't think she's dead. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: This is an arm bone. Has anyone we've seen on this case been favoring her arm? BOOTH: Not that I've noticed. BRENNAN: That's because you're not an anthropologist... with superpowers. BOOTH: Ha. That's good. [Chuckles] [Cut to Capital Bowl. Brennan and Booth walk toward both Ted and Lucy] LUCY: Oh. Hello. TED: Any news about Warren? BOOTH: We're still in the initial phase of our investigation. Listen Mr. McGruder you didn't happen to keep that, uh, last payroll check for Warren Granger that you told me about? TED: By law I have to, yeah. BOOTH: You mind digging that up for us? I apologize for the inconvenience. TED: I guess. It's probably in the file somewhere. [He leaves] LUCY: What do you need the paycheck for? BOOTH: Ah, it's technical. [Lucy seems to be hurt] BRENNAN: Mrs. McGruder, what's wrong with your left side? LUCY: Why would you ask me that? BRENNAN: I noticed how you held yourself last time I was here. I didn't think anything of it. Though viewed through the current context, I- LUCY: What is she talking about? BOOTH: She wants to know how you hurt yourself. BRENNAN: You walk as though your left ribs are cracked. Also, you favor your left arm. LUCY: Oh, I, um- I- I... fell on the lanes. They're very slippery. BRENNAN: Falling would bruise a number of ribs. You're favoring only one or two. BOOTH: The type of damage done by a fist. [Lucy looks uncomfortable] BOOTH: Look. Were you and Warren close? LUCY: He was a nice kid. A really nice kid. [Ted comes back with the check.] TED: Here it is. [Lucy looks very uncomfortable] You two want to bowl a few frames? Got some empty lanes. BRENNAN: I'll see you in the comic books, buster. TED: What? BOOTH: Thanks. I- I'll get this back to you. [Booth and Brennan walk away from the McGruders] BOOTH: It's "See you in the funny pages". BRENNAN: Okay. I took a liberty. Her husband beats her. BOOTH: Bones. All right. Talk about multiple hypotheses. BRENNAN: It's a leap, yes, but it was bound to happen, me spending so much time with you. I mean that as a compliment. BOOTH: Okay. So Warren's former boss is the Twisted, and the boss's wife is the Opalescence. BRENNAN: Go back and arrest him. BOOTH: It's not enough. Okay? For that we need something just a little bit more real. BRENNAN: Evidence. BOOTH: Cold hard facts, baby. [They look back at Lucy who quickly looks away; they leave the bowling] [Zack walk toward the two of them as they come back to the Jeffersonian Institute] ZACK: Dr. Brennan, based on your histology and the DNA, the bone chip found in Warren Granger's neck came from a Caucasian male, mid-30s. BOOTH: McGruder. What? Can you get any more specific? BRENNAN: We need the weapon. BOOTH: I can get a warrant, search the McGruder house for whatever you want. BRENNAN: That's the trouble. We don't know exactly what we're looking for. ZACK: We hit a dead end trying to reverse engineer it from the mark on the neck. Too much damage and fragmentation. BRENNAN: Wait. You said that in books you could find the real-world version. BOOTH: Yeah. Well, I mean, if you know you, it's pretty obvious. BRENNAN: Well, give me an example. BOOTH: Okay. Well, in your book, your partner's a former Olympic boxer who graduated from Harvard and spoke six different languages. In real life, you got me. BRENNAN: So what you're saying is that reality falls far, far short of the fictional. BOOTH: Yeah. Thanks a lot, Bones. [He leaves] [Cut to Angela's office. Brennan, Booth and Angela are gathered around the "Angelator"] ANGELA: Warren Granger's spinal cord was severed by something sharp, but not a knife. BOOTH: Okay. If it wasn't a knife, what was it? ANGELA: The closest match I could find would be a corkscrew or a Tibetan skull knife but neither of them explain how foreign bone was left lodged in the vertebrae. BRENNAN: Pull up Citizen 14's weapon thing. BOOTH: I thought that was a boomerang thing, like a sonic gun. ANGELA: A laser cutlass. That thing that allowed him to hear through walls. BRENNAN: we're looking for something that has a drabber, more banal version in the real world. ANGELA: Well, why would he be killed by his own weapon? BOOTH: Well, because he probably had it on him the night he decided to confront Ted McGruder. [Images of Warren's weapons appear] ANGELA: Citizen 14's arsenal. BRENNAN: [Pointing at one of the weapon displayed] What's that? ANGELA: That's his main weapon. It's a three-sided throwing knife that returns to him. But none of them make the wound that resemble the one that severed Warren's spinal cord. BRENNAN: It's just an idea. BOOTH: Bones- BRENNAN: No. I- I fell into the exact thing that I warned you about: developing too many hypotheses not grounded in fact. BOOTH: No. Bones, I know exactly which drab real-world thing was used to murder Warren Granger. [Booth and Brennan are in the car] BOOTH: All this kid wants is to feel like a hero. Suddenly he's facing a damsel in distress. BRENNAN: Lucy McGruder is 10 years older. BOOTH: That's not that damsel part that matters. It's the distress that appealed to the kid. You know? I mean, look. It wasn't about the s*x or the romance. It never was. BRENNAN: He wanted to make a difference in the world before he died. [Pauses, she exchanges a look with Booth] I told you he was more like you than me. Woman on radio: 22705, Dispatch. BOOTH: [answers call] 22705. Woman on radio: Unit sent to suspect's residence reports the domicile is empty. BOOTH: There's no one there? What the about the wife? Woman on radio: Negative. Search time is inside the house. It's empty. Signs of flight. BOOTH: Affirmative, uh, Dispatch. BRENNAN: What? He beats her, but she takes off with him anyway? BOOTH: Spousal abuse syndrome. [Radio] Dispatch, 22705. Woman on radio: Dispatch. BOOTH: Can you send a backup unit to Capital Bowl, 1123 Sea Bolt? [Cut to Capital Bowl; the place seems totally empty] BOOTH: [Whispering] Domestic disturbances are always weird, okay? The woman gets beat on by her husband. The cavalry turns up to save her. You know, you'd think she'd be on the same side as the rescuers, but- [chuckles] sometimes- BRENNAN: You're saying watch out for the wife. [Sound of a door opening] BOOTH: All I'm saying is just stay alert. Okay, Bones? BRENNAN: Okay. [We hear voices in the background] LUCY: Ted, why are we doing this? TED: Shut up. [They are behind the counter, Ted is taking the money from the safe] LUCY: You didn't do anything. TED: Lucy, I swear to God. If you don't shut up- LUCY: No. I know you wouldn't hurt Warren. BOOTH: Of course he would, You see, that's what he does. [Lucy and Ted turn around as Booth and Brennan enter the room] BOOTH: He likes to beat up people weaker than him. TED: We are closed. BRENNAN: Well, you left your door unlocked. Probably an oversight due to your state of panic. BOOTH: Yeah. The lights were on. You see, we suspected a robbery. Say, you have a bevel knife? LUCY: A what? BRENNAN: It's a triangular three-sided knife. BOOTH: You know, to clean out bowling ball holes. Say I used to have one back in the day, you wouldn't happen to have on around here, would you? TED: You need a warrant. You need a warrant to take any of my stuff. BRENNAN: Lucy, we need a bevel knife. LUCY: [Looks at Ted] We keep one in here. TED: Shut up, Lucy! BOOTH: Why don't you smack her around a little bit there, Ted uh? Keep your woman in line. [Lucy places a toolbox on the counter. Brennan find the bevel knife and examine it more closely] [Silence] BRENNAN: Yeah. This could've done it. BOOTH: Say, Bones. That, uh, bone chip. Uh, second victim or murderer? BRENNAN: Well, for Warren's sake, I hope it was the murderer. BOOTH: Me too. TED: What are you talking about? Just get out of here. BRENNAN: It would be his left arm. LUCY: What? BRENNAN: Well, Warren was right-handed, so the wound would be on your husband's left arm. LUCY: Oh my God. BOOTH: Bones. [Brennan approaches Ted and hit his upper left arm with her elbow, Ted groans] LUCY: No! [Ted keeps on groaning. A blood stain appears on his shirt where Brennan hit him] BRENNAN: [Pointing at the stain] Right there. [Ted makes an attempt at hitting Brennan, which she blocks right away. She seizes his arm and throw him over the pool table nearby. Ted groans some more.] BOOTH: I got him. I got him. I got him. All right. [He handcuffs Ted] Aw, hell, Bones. Looks like you opened up an old wound there. All right let's go. You know what? You're under arrest. I really hate a wife beater. I really do. Almost as much as I hate someone who kills a dying kid. [They leave] [Cut to the FBI interrogation room. Booth and Brennan are talking to Lucy] BOOTH: Warren knew what Ted did to you. [Lucy nods] BRENNAN: Did you tell him? LUCY: I didn't have to. He saw one night. Ted hit me and... Warren- Warren ran away. BRENNAN: Why didn't you go to the police? LUCY: Because... it's not all the time, I mean- it- it's when things go bad and he's under a lot of strain. Ted has a bad temper. BRENNAN: Warren wanted to rescue you. LUCY: [starts crying] Oh, my God. BOOTH: He probably just wanted to intimidate your husband, stop him from attacking you. BRENNAN: Warren stabbed your husband in the arm with the bevel knife. BOOTH: Ted took the knife away from Warren. BRENNAN: It wouldn't have been very hard. The boy was... very ill. BOOTH: After that, it's like you said. Your husband has a bad temper. [Lucy cries] [Black Rebel Motorcycle Club ~ Feel it now] Cut to the lab. Angela is drawing the last page of Warren's comic book: Citizen 14 is victorious with behind him the Twisted in prison. Cut to the cemetery where the ceremony for Warren is taking place. Stew and Warren's friends are deposing offerings on the casket. Beside Warren's mother is crying. Booth and Brennan are standing a few feets away. Cut back to Angela, now finishing the drawing of the Opalescence. Back to the cemetery, Booth approaches the casket. He takes off the Sharpshooter medal that was on his suit jacket and places it on the casket. Back to Angela drawing. Back to the cemetery. Booth joins back Brennan, they both turn around and see that Abigail is there, away from the gathering, crying. Angela arrives, she hands the finished comic book over to Brennan who skips through the pages. She smiles, casts a look at Angela and walk over to Lucy to whom she gives the comic. Lucy looks at the last page where is Angela's drawing. Above Citizen 14 and the Twisted behind bar is the Opalescence, arms held out, with the words Thank you. The comic book is now on the casket. Zoom on the last page, zoom on the Opalescence's face then on the words "Thank You". End.

Plan: A: Special Agent Seeley Booth; Q: Who enlists Dr. Temperance Brennan's help? A: a decomposed body; Q: What was found in the alley? A: a local alley; Q: Where was the body found? A: the teen's killer; Q: What does Brennan want to help Booth find? A: only comic books; Q: What did the teenage boy have for friends? A: the lone teenager; Q: Who does Brennan find she has more in common with than she thought? Summary: Special Agent Seeley Booth enlists Dr. Temperance Brennan's help when a decomposed body is found in a local alley and the cause of death is unknown. As Brennan tries to assess if a murder has been committed, the details of the case draw her in deeper, and she's determined to help Booth find the teen's killer. As their investigation reveals the body is that of a teenage boy who had only comic books for friends, Brennan finds she may have more in common with the lone teenager than she though.

-[Fairy Tale World]- (A crowd is gathered around a puppet show. While they are distracted, a young boy pickpockets various people. He goes unnoticed and sneaks away. Later, the boy empties out the coins he has stolen. His parents are with him.) Martin: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful! Careful! Myrna: Don't let those coins roll away. Martin: No, they might...disappear. (The father does a magic trick. He makes a coin disappear and then suddenly reappear.) Martin: Whoa, whoa. Look at that! (Jiminy pulls out a small cage with a cricket inside.) Jiminy: Oh, a cricket! I love crickets! Myrna: Crickets are trouble. Noisy bugs. Jiminy: But they get to do whatever they want! Hopping from place to place... They're free. Myrna: You're free. Martin: To do what we want. Myrna: To be who you are. Martin: And you are who you are. Jiminy: Well, maybe I want to be something else. Maybe I don't want to steal. Maybe I want to be good. Martin: All that from a cricket. Myrna: Told ya - trouble. Martin: Good is another word for weak. Myrna: Let us do the thinking for you. Martin: That's what parents are for. Myrna: To help you. Martin: You are who you are and there's no changing you, Jiminy. Right? Jiminy: Right. Martin: Right. Problem solved. -[Real World]- (Henry and Archie are in Archie's office having a session.) Henry: You weren't always a cricket. Archie: I weren't always- Oh, right. Because, um... Because you think I'm Jiminy Cricket. Why... Why do you... Why do you think that, Henry? Henry: It's just because of who you are. Archie: And what am I? Henry: You're a conscious. You help people see right from wrong. Archie: so, all the crickets in Storybrooke - they were once people, too? Henry: There aren't any crickets here. Listen. Archie: Maybe it isn't light enough. Henry: There's never been crickets here. You've just never noticed. Archie: So, you think that's proof that there's a curse? Henry: Yes, but I know it's not enough. I'm looking for more. Archie: So, Henry, look. I asked you this once before and you said you'd think about it. Why do you think it's so important that this is real? Henry: It... It just is. Archie: Alright. Well, keep thinking about that answer, Henry. Cause I think there's something buried there. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Graham are at the station. Emma holds up a uniform.) Emma: A tie? You know you don't have to dress a woman as a man to give her authority. Graham: so, you think you can get people to do what you want in that red coat? Emma: I'm getting you to do what I want right now. Graham: Well, at least wear the badge. Go on - take it. If you really want to be a part of this community, we have to make it official. (Emma takes the badge from Graham. When she clips it onto her belt, there is a violent shake. All of the phones at the station start ringing.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The entire town is gathered around what appears to be the entrance to a tunnel. Regina then arrives by car.) Regina: Everyone! Step back, please! Ruby: Is that a crater? Marco: No, there were tunnels - old mines. Something collapsed. Regina: Sheriff, set up a police perimeter. Marco, why don't you help with the fire department? Miss Swan, this is now official town business. You're free to go. Emma: Well, actually, I work for the town now. Graham: She's my new deputy. Regina: They say the Mayor's always last to know. Graham: It's in my budget. Regina: Indeed. Deputy, why don't you make yourself useful and help with crowd control? (Regina steps away and stands in front of the crowd of people.) Regina: People of Storybrooke, don't be alarmed. We've always known this area was honeycombed with old mining tunnels. But fear not. I'm going to undertake a project to make this area safe - to rehabilitate it into city use. We will bulldoze it, collapse it, pave it. (Henry emerges from the crowd.) Henry: Pave it? What if there's something down there? Regina: Henry. What are you doing here? Henry: What's down there? Regina: Nothing. Now step back. In fact, everyone! Please, please step back. Thank you. (Regina picks a piece of glass up off the ground and puts it in her pocket.) Henry: What was that? Regina: Henry, enough. Listen. This is a safety issue. Wait in the car. (Henry leaves the area.) Regina: Deputy Swan, Sheriff - cord off the area. (Henry is sitting in Regina's car. When he gets a chance, he gets out and whispers to Archie.) Henry: Hey, Archie! Over here. (Henry, Emma and Archie all gather by a police car.) Henry: This requires all of Operation Cobra. Both of you. Archie: I didn't realize I was in Operation Cobra. Henry: Of course you are. You know everything. We can't let her do this. What if there's something down there? Emma: They're just some old tunnels. Henry: That just happen to collapse right after you get here? You're changing things. You're weakening the curse. Emma: That's not what's happening. Henry: Yes, it is! Did you do anything different today? Cause something made this happen. (Regina walks up to the three of them.) Regina: Henry, I told you to wait in the car. Deputy, do your job. (Henry and Emma both leave in different directions. Archie goes to leave, but Regina calls after him.) Regina: Dr. Hopper. A word, please? Okay. We're done with this. Archie: Uh, excuse me? Regina: My son. We need a new treatment plan. Everything I do he thinks is part of some horrible plot. I can't cover up a safety hazard without him thinking I'm hiding something. How am I hiding something terrible in an old mine? How is any of this logical to him? Archie: He's got an amazing imagination. Regina: Yes, that you let run rampant. Archie: Well, I think it would be wrong to rip away the world he's constructed. I'd rather use it to try and gain- Regina: Sometimes, I think you've forgotten. You work for me. You're an employee. And I can fire you. This is my town. You will lose your office, lose your house, I can cut you down to size until you're a tiny, shrunken, little creature and this, will be the only roof over your damn head. (Regina holds up Archie's umbrella.) Archie: What would you have me do? Regina: You take that delusion out of my son's head and you crush it. -[Fairy Tale World]- (In a field, several caravans are parked. Many people are outside preparing and many tents are set up. Jiminy and his parents are there as one of the entertainers.) Myrna: Come on, Jiminy. Oh, I remember this place. Looks like it's been a good year. Martin: Yeah, you can tell by all the fat people. Myrna: Maybe we can run the elf tonic scam again. Jiminy: Can't we just... Can't we just put on a show? We make enough on the ticket sales. Do we have to steal, too? Martin: We don't need to, but it's nice. We steal from them, and they steal from someone else. Myrna: It's called an economy. Martin: We're a vital part of it. Jiminy: I want to change... I want to quit! Myrna: Oh, this again! Martin: Well, you can't leave now. Myrna: We're getting old. Martin: It's my hip. Myrna: My liver. Martin: I've got lumps in strange places. Myrna: I've got burning sensations. Martin: You better stay with us. Myrna: Just until we die. Martin: Now, be a good boy and set up. [SCENE_BREAK] (Jiminy is setting up for the puppet show. It's raining. A young boy with an umbrella approaches him.) Boy: Puppets! Wow, what a great job you have! ...You don't like it? Jiminy: No. No, I don't. Same show, same fairs every year. Boy: Then why don't you do something else? Jiminy: This is just who I am. What? Did you just come out here to watch us set up? Boy: No, I came out here to listen to the crickets. Jiminy: Oh, crickets. Why, I haven't listened to the crickets in a while. Hey, you better get home. You're going to catch a cold. Boy: So are you. Here, have my umbrella. I don't live far. I can't wait to see the show! (The boy gives Jiminy his umbrella and runs off.) -[Real World]- (Archie is in his office, seemingly deep in thought. Marco then walks in.) Marco: Hey, Arch! Archie: Marco? What are you doing here? (Marco makes an eating gesture.) Archie: Oh, lunch. I'm sorry, I forgot- I got another patient. Another time? Marco: Sure, of course. (Henry runs around Marco and into the room.) Marco: Hey! Have a good session, Henry. (Marco scruffs Henry's hair and then leaves. Henry and Archie both sit on the couches.) Archie: Hey. Henry: Are you recruiting Geppetto for Operation Cobra? Archie: You think Marco's Geppetto? Henry: Sure. He's Jiminy Cricket's best friend and Marco's yours. Archie: Henry... Henry, look. W-We really need to talk about this, okay? Henry: I know you're not convinced, but I know where I can get proof. (Henry unzips his backpack and shows Archie what's in it.) Archie: What is this? Flashlight? Candy bars? Oh, wait, Henry. Henry, you do not want to go down there. Henry: Emma's here and stuff's happening. I have to look at it. Archie: Henry, Henry. Stop. Stop. There is no proof. Look, all of this - all of this - is a delusion. Do you know what a delusion is? Henry: I... I think so. Archie: It's something that's not real. And... And not healthy. And I thought that you'd outgrow this, but Henry, you know... Now it's turned into a psychosis. Do you know what a psychosis is? Th-that's when you can longer tell what's real and if that continues, then... Then I have to lock you away. Henry, look. This has to stop for your own good. You got to wake up. This nonsense must end. (Henry storms out of Archie's office.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and David are playing hangman in David's room at the hospital.) MMB: I don't know. M? David: Mmhmm. Two of them. Get it yet? MMB: Yes. And I'm completely mortified. I almost hanged on my own name. David: Don't worry - I would never have let you hang. I would've added toes, a hat, maybe a horse. MMB: Is this a game you played a lot? Uh, before? David: I don't know. MMB: It'll come back. They're sending you home in a week. They have to think you're progressing, don't they? David: Physically. MMB: Well, you're making new memories just fine. David: Maybe I'll like these better. MMB: Okay, play again? (Kathryn enters with a box.) Kathryn: Can I guess, too? MMB: Oh, Mrs. Nolan. I, uh... Oh, it's noon already. I didn't realize. I should go. Kathryn: Good day, Miss Blanchard. (Mary Margaret gets up to leave. She goes to sign out, but can still overhear the conversation. Kathryn shows David a picture of a dog.) Kathryn: Honey, I brought more pictures. Maybe it'll jog something. It's our old dog - Ajax. Remember? David: Yeah... Yeah, Ajax. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and Emma are at Mary Margaret's apartment.) MMB: I'm the worst person in the world. Emma: Really? In the whole world? MMB: If Kathryn was horrible it'd be easier, but she's so...nice. Emma: And what, exactly, would be easier? MMB: Nothing. Emma: Nothing's a good idea. You're smart - you know not to get involved with a married guy. It's not worth the heartache - trust me. (There's a knock at the door.) Emma: I'll get it. (Emma answers the door. Henry is there and is clearly upset.) Emma: Kid? What happened? Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma knocks on the door of Archie's office. When he doesn't answer, she lets herself in.) Emma: Archie! Archie! What did you do? You told me not to take the fantasy away. You told me it would devastate him. Archie: Of course, if therapy stops working, you adjust it. Emma: Is it her? Did she threaten you? What could be strong enough to drown out your own conscious? Archie: I do not need to defend my professional decisions to you, okay? (Emma's phone rings.) Emma: Hello, Madam Mayor. Nice work. Regina: You with him? Emma: Yes, I'm with Dr. Hopper and guess what? You left your fingerprints all over him when you tried- Regina: Not him - Henry. Is he with you? Emma: I dropped Henry at your office an hour ago. Regina: Well, he's not here. Emma: I don't know where he is. Archie: Oh... I do. (Henry is seen at the entrance to the mine. He turns on his flashlight and enters the tunnel.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Rumpelstiltskin is in a room and is spinning straw into gold. Jiminy enters and places a bag on top of a table.) Rumpelstiltskin: Thank you very much. And the names? To whom did these treasures belong? (Jiminy takes out a list and places it on top of the pile. Rumpelstiltskin throws him a strand of gold thread.) Rumpelstiltskin: Gold thread - for your thievery. Thank you. You can go. But you want something else, don't you? Something with magic. (Rumpelstiltskin places a gold thread in a bowl, along with another potion. It begins to glow.) Jiminy: Every year, I'm stuck in that damn wagon. I want to be free. I want to... I want to be someone else, but something keeps holding me back. Rumpelstiltskin: Something? Or Someone? Jiminy: It's my parents. Rumpelstiltskin: Then I have exactly what you need. This will set you free. Pour it, sprinkle it, put it in their curds and whey... Anything will work. (Rumpelstiltskin holds up a vial containing the potion. Jiminy goes to take it, but Rumpelstiltskin pulls it back.) Rumpelstiltskin: Ah! But you have nothing more to give to me. Tell you what - after the potion has done its work, leave them where they are and I'll come collect them. It'll be my fee. Jiminy: What will become of them? Rumpelstiltskin: Worry you not. They'll be in safe hands and you'll be free. (Jiminy takes the vial and leaves.) -[Real World]- (Emma and Archie are at the entrance to the tunnel and calling Henry's name. Archie's dog is also there with them.) Emma: Henry! Archie: Henry! Emma: Henry! Archie: What do you got there, Pongo? Emma: I don't think he's here. Archie: I think he is. (He finds one of the candy bars that Henry had in his backpack. He holds it up.) Archie: Candy bar. He had these with him. [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry has a flashlight and is searching the mine. He comes across a piece of glass that is similar to the piece that Regina found earlier. Suddenly, the mine starts to shake and begins to collapse.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Archie feel the ground starting to shake.) Archie: Henry! Emma: Archie! Archie: Henry, it's not safe! Emma: Henry! Archie: Henry! (Archie enters the mine. Just as he gets in, the entrance collapses.) Emma: Archie! Archie! Henry! [SCENE_BREAK] (Archie lights a match. He begins to walk farther into the tunnel.) Archie: Henry? Henry? (Henry jumps out from around a corner.) Henry: Archie! Archie: Henry! Henry: You're here to help me! Archie: No, Henry, listen. We got to get out of here, okay? Henry: So, you're still against me? Archie: Henry, there's no time for that. Come on, Henry! Come on! Henry: You don't believe me? You'll see. You'll see! (Henry runs deeper into the mine.) Archie: Henry! Henry - Henry come back! Henry! -[Fairy Tale World]- (Jiminy and his parents approach a house.) Jiminy: Look, can't we skip this tonight? I mean, we don't need the money. Myrna: Everything isn't about money, Jiminy. It's about the principle. Martin: A commitment to excellence. Myrna: Excellence at stealing money. Martin: Now go ahead and take the 'Elf Tonic', Jiminy. (Myrna knocks on the door. A young couple answers the door.) Myrna: Oh, such beautiful young people! Jiminy: Pardon me, uh... Do you have a place in your heart for an honest man and his elderly parents? Man: Of course. Come in. Woman: I'll heat up some broth. (Myrna and Martin push past the couple and into the house.) Myrna: Oh, we love broth! Martin: Oh, what a beautiful home! Myrna: Your cobbles are so even! Martin: Oh, and that's real fact. [SCENE_BREAK] (Jiminy, his parents and the couple are sitting down and eating at the table.) Jiminy: Thank you for your kindness. Myrna: I just can't get it out of my mind. That family... Martin: Terrible way to go. Woman: What? What happened? Myrna and Martin: Plague. Myrna: The next town over. We just passed through. Woman: The plague? Myrna: Well, a plague, certainly. Man: Is it coming here? Are you okay? Martin: Oh, us? No, we're immune. Myrna: We have Elf Tonic. Martin: Made by elves, from elves. Myrna: Four out of five court physicians recommend it. Martin: Fifth one died before he could try it. Myrna: Well, you have it, right? Smart folks like you? Woman: We've never heard of it. Myrna: Oh no! Martin: Oh, dear god! Jiminy: Oh no, you're going to die. You need Elf Tonic. Myrna: Oh, I wish we had extra! Martin: We don't have extra! Jiminy: There is no extra. Woman: we could pay you. Martin: We have a tiny bottle. Myrna: But we need that for ourselves. Man: What can we give you? Woman: Surely, there must be something here you would want? Myrna: I'm sure we could come up with something. [SCENE_BREAK] (There are several bags of stuff by the door. Jiminy's parents each take a bag.) Myrna: Well, I guess we should start loading up. (Myrna and Martin leave the house.) Jiminy: Here you go. (Jiminy gives the 'Elf Tonic' to the couple.) Man: Thank you. Woman: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] (Jiminy joins his parents outside, who are loading the bags onto their caravan.) Jiminy: Those are good people. They... They would never have hurt us like that. Myrna: And that's where they went wrong. Martin: It's better to be the kind of people who take. Myrna: Instead of those that get taken from. (Jiminy takes out the other vial.) Jiminy: I'm sorry. You've given me no other choice. (Jiminy splashes Rumpelstiltskin's potion on his parents. Nothing happens.) Myrna: How frail do you think we are, son? Martin: Rain water won't hurt us. I'm pretty good at sleight of hand, Jiminy. Jiminy: You switched them? If this was the Elf Tonic... Martin: Oh my! We must have given whatever you had to that family. Myrna: Oh, I hope it wasn't dangerous! [SCENE_BREAK] (Jiminy goes back into the house and it appears to be empty. The vial containing the potion is emptied on the floor. He then notices two puppets sitting off to the side, who resemble the couple. Jiminy is in shock and his parents enter.) Martin: Oh, look at that! Myrna: New puppets for the act. (A young boy enters the house. It's the same boy who gave Jiminy the umbrella.) Boy: Mama! Papa! Who are you? Mama? Papa? What did you do to them? What did you do to them? -[Real World]- (Archie is searching for Henry in the mine. He finds Henry shining his flashlight down a hole.) Archie: Henry? Henry? Henry! Henry! Henry, Henry! You got to slow down. Henry: There's something shiny down there. Archie: Henry, this is seriously dangerous. We got to get out of here. Henry: It could be something. Archie: Henry, look at me! Look at me! I'm frightened for you, Henry. Henry: Because you think I'm crazy? Archie: No! No, because we are trapped underground in an abandoned mine, Henry. And there is no way out. [SCENE_BREAK] (The town is gathered, once again, around the entrance of the tunnel.) Marco: Archie's smart. He will keep the boy safe until we get to them. (The ground starts to shake.) Marco: Watch out! Regina: Stop! Stop! You're making it worse! Emma: I am trying to save him! You know why he went down there in the first place, don't you? Because you made him feel like he had something to prove. Regina: And why does he think he has anything to prove? Who's encouraging him? Emma: Do not put this on me. Regina: Oh, please! Lecture me until his oxygen runs out! [SCENE_BREAK] (Archie and Henry are still navigating the mine. They hear barking.) Archie: Henry, do you hear that? Henry: It's Pongo! Archie: Follow the noise! [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma approaches Regina.) Emma: We have to stop this. Arguing won't accomplish anything. Regina: No, it won't. Emma: What do you want me to do? Regina: Help me. [SCENE_BREAK] (Archie and Henry come across an elevator shaft.) Archie: It's loudest over here. Henry: What's... What's this? Archie: Looks like...an old elevator. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina and Emma are still talking.) Regina: We need to find some way to punch through the ground. We need something big. Emma: Like what? Marco: Explosives. [SCENE_BREAK] (Archie investigates the elevator.) Archie: It's to get the mine workers in and out. It goes all the way to the top. That's why we could hear Pongo. Henry: Can we make it work? Archie: Let's give it a shot. [SCENE_BREAK] (The workers lay down the lines for the explosives. Everyone clears out of the area.) Emma: Okay. We're all clear. [SCENE_BREAK] (Archie turns the wheel that moves the elevator. It moves slightly.) Archie: Come on! (Henry helps Archie move the elevator.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Everyone positions themselves.) Regina: Blow it. (The explosives are set off, but end up causing the elevator to fall farther down the shaft. Emma runs to the entrance of the tunnel to check the results.) Regina: Did it work? Emma: It didn't open. Graham: Then what did it do? [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret is leaving the hospital for the day. She says goodbye to a patient.) MMB: Have a good day. (David enters the room.) David: Hey! Where you going? MMB: Home. I'm done for the day. Shouldn't you be resting? David: Ah, actually, Dr. Whale wants me to start physical therapy. I'm supposed to walk thirty minutes a day on a treadmill or outside with an escort. But they were kind of short on personnel because of that thing that happened at the mine. MMB: Oh... David: So... Maybe if there was a volunteer willing to help? [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and David are by the water.) David: I'm trying to remember this place. It's like... It's like I woke up in some strange land. MMB: Is there anything coming back? What about when you're with her? You remembered your dog. David: Yeah, I lied. MMB: You did? David: She's so loving and I didn't want to disappoint her. But none of it feels right. You know, a dog named Ajax? Who would name their dog that? None of it makes sense. None of it... None of it feels real. MMB: That sounds lonely. David: Actually, one thing does feel real. You. MMB: What? David: I know it's crazy, but I swear you're the only thing in this whole place that feels... That feels right. ...Kathryn. MMB: Right. David: Kathryn! You're here. (Kathryn is behind them with a basket.) Kathryn: I know it's outside of visiting hours, but, uh, I needed to see you. I made some cranberry muffins. They used to be your favourite. MMB: Well, I should leave you two. (She goes to leave.) David: Wait, Mary Margaret! See you tomorrow? (Mary Margaret nods, then walks off.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Everyone is still gathered around the mine.) Regina: What was that? What the hell was that? You said you could do this! Emma: Madam Mayor! Regina: They could have killed my son! Emma: I know, but this isn't helping. Marco: If we knew exactly where they were, we could drill down to them. Maybe... Maybe rig something to bring them back up. Graham: But drill where? (Emma lets Pongo out of the fire truck.) Emma: Come on buddy! Regina: What are you thinking we- Emma: It's Archie's dog. He's found something. Look! This is where they must be. What is it? (Graham and Marco move aside a piece of metal. Underneath is a grate.) Emma: What is that? Graham: It's an air shaft. [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry and Archie are sitting in the elevator.) Henry: I'm really...really, really sorry. Archie: It's alright. Henry: I just wanted to find proof. Archie: You know, it's really alright, Henry. And um, um, I'm sorry, too. Look, I... I don't think you're crazy. I-I just... I just think you got a very strong mother, who's got a clear idea of a path that she wants you to be on and when you step off that she... She gets scared. And, you know, it's natural. But it's also natural for you to be able to be free to think the things that you want to think. So, anyway. I... I didn't mean those things I said and I never should have said them. Henry: Then, why did you? Archie: I guess I'm just not a very good person. I'm not the man I want to be. (The elevator suddenly shifts farther down the shaft.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Marco puts a hook attached to a trunk around the grate.) Emma: Okay. Alright - gun it. That's good! Alright, we got it. Alright. (The grate is pulled off and everyone looks down the shaft.) Regina: So, what's next? [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry and Archie are still sitting in the elevator.) Henry: I think you can be him. I think you can be a good person. I mean, you're Jiminy Cricket. Archie: Henry. Henry, Jiminy Cricket was a... He was a cricket, okay? And he was a conscious. And... And I hardly think that's me. Henry: But before he was that, he was a guy who took a long time to figure out the right thing to do. Archie: That kind of sounds like me. Henry: Now it's harder for you because of the curse. To hear the voice inside of you. To be who you want to be. (The elevator jerks, again, and moves farther down the shaft.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Everyone is gathered around the air shaft.) Marco: You need to lower someone straight down, or the line will collapse the side of the shaft. Graham: I've got a harness. Regina: Lower me down. Emma: Oh, no way. I'm going. Regina: He's my son. Emma: He's my son, too. You've been sitting behind a desk for ten years. I can do this. Regina: Just bring him to me. [SCENE_BREAK] (Again, Henry and Archie are in the elevator.) Archie: Hey, can I ask you again? Henry: Ask what? Archie: Why do you think it's so important that your...your fairy tale theory is true? Henry: I don't know. Archie: Give it a shot. Henry: Cause this can't be all there is. Archie: I understand. Henry: I thought if I found proof... But I didn't find anything. Archie: Well, that's not true. I was lost and you found me, right? Henry: You mean, you remember? Archie: No, Henry. I... I don't remember, but I-I do remember the kind of person I want to be. I just got to listen harder. (Pieces of rock fall through the grate at the top of the elevator. They look up and see a light.) Henry: Wh-what's that? Archie: I think that's the rescue. Emma: You guys okay? Archie: Yeah, we're... We're okay. Emma: Hang on, Henry. Okay, that's good. Stop. Archie: Here you go. Up. (Archie passes Henry up to Emma.) Emma: Come on. I got ya. Okay. Okay, I got him. Archie: You got him? Is he safe? (The elevator starts to shake.) Emma: Archie? Archie: It's going to fall! Emma: I'm sorry! Archie: It's okay! Emma: Archie! (The elevator falls down the entire shaft. Archie appears to have fallen as well, but ends up saving himself with his umbrella that is hooked to Emma.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Henry and Archie are pulled out of the elevator shaft. Regina takes Henry aside. Marco grabs Archie and hugs him. Once Emma is unhooked, she runs over to Regina and Henry.) Emma: You okay? Regina: Deputy, you can clear the crowd away. (Regina pushes Emma away and sends Henry off. Nearby, she finds Archie.) Regina: Thank you, Dr. Hopper. Archie: I, uh... I have something to say. I'm going to continue to treat Henry, and I'm going to do it my own way. Regina: My relief at his safety hasn't changed a thing, Dr. Hopper. You will do as I say, or you will- Archie: Or will what? You'll ruin my life? You'll do your worst? Because I will always do my best. Regina: Don't test me. Archie: Oh, I don't need to. Because you're going to leave me alone and let me do my work. In peace. Regina: Really? Why's that? Archie: Because someday, Madam Mayor, you may find yourself in a custody battle. And you know how the court determines who is a fit parent? They consult an expert. Particularly one who has treated the child. So, I suggest that you think about that. And you allow me to do my work. And let me do it the way my conscious tells me to. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Jiminy is outside by himself. He looks up and sees a star. He closes his eyes.) Jiminy: I wish... I wish... (The Blue Fairy appears.) Blue Fairy: I hear your wish - you don't need to wish it so loudly. But it is not possible. I cannot bring back the boy's parents. Jiminy: It's my fault. I have to make it right. I... I would trade my life to make it happen. Blue Fairy: What's done is done. There may be another way. Jiminy: Tell me. Please. Blue Fairy: The little boy? He will grow up to face many challenges. Do you want to help him? Jiminy: I can't get away from these people. They're my parents. They're who I am. Blue Fairy: But if you didn't want to be that, what would you like to be? (The sound of crickets is heard in the background.) Blue Fairy: I hear your wish. (The Blue Fairy transforms Jiminy into a cricket.) Blue Fairy: How do you feel? Jiminy: Free. Blue Fairy: Find the boy, Jiminy. You will live as many years as you need to help him. Just find him. Jiminy: How will I? I don't even know his name. Blue Fairy: His name is Geppetto. -[Real World]- (It's now nighttime, and most of the town is still at the mine site. Emma and Henry are Watching Archie and Marco talk.) Emma: Is that Archie's father? Henry: No, they're just old friends. Emma: You really scared me. Henry: I'm sorry. (Archie and Marco walk over to them.) Emma: Gentlemen. Well, come on. Your mom wants to take you home. Henry: Hey! Listen. (The sound of crickets is heard in the background.) Archie: Crickets. Henry: They're back. Things are changing. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold walks through his pawn shop. The puppets of Geppetto's parents are sitting on the counter. At the hospital, Mary Margaret passes in her letter of resignation. At the mine site, everyone is talking and drinking. Off to the side, Regina stands near the elevator shaft. The grate has been placed back on top of it. She takes the piece of glass - the piece she picked up earlier - out of her pocket. She looks at it briefly, then drops it through the grate. It falls down the shaft until it lands on top of what appears to be Snow White's glass coffin.) -[End]-

Plan: A: Sheriff Graham; Q: Who deputizes Emma? A: a giant sinkhole; Q: What appears at the edge of town? A: a curious Henry's life; Q: What is placed in danger when Henry explores the sinkhole? A: the fairytale world; Q: What does Henry want to link the inhabitants of Storybrooke to? A: Jiminy Cricket; Q: Who wants to leave the family business? Summary: As Sheriff Graham deputizes Emma, the ground shakes and a giant sinkhole mysteriously appears at the edge of town. But a curious Henry's life is placed in danger when he decides to explore the innards of the sinkhole to see if its contents can link the inhabitants of Storybrooke to the fairytale world. Meanwhile, back in the fairytale world, Jiminy Cricket yearns to leave the family business and transform into the person he wants to be.

Dwight: Wow. Late every day this week. Pam: We signed Cici up for this daycare. It's on the other side of town. The traffic... Dwight: Why didn't I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building? Jim: Is there really? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Now that I own the building, I'm looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center... Ha ha ha [laughing maniacally] Well I guess it's not an evil idea. It's just a regular idea. But there is no good laugh for a regular idea. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers. Jim: Aaah! Mose: Aaah! Dwight: You remember my cousin Mose. Mose: Welcome children. Pam: Were you painting in the dark? Jim: Wait. Is this your place Dwight? Dwight: Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour? Pam: I don't really think we need... Jim: Oh... lets take the tour Pam. Pam: Yeah. Dwight: Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English... uh... letters. [pause] I see you found out magical toy box Jim. Jim: These are actually forks and knives from the break room. Dwight: Jim! To you and me, maybe, but, come on! To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife and... Ms. Fork. Pam: And a soy sauce packet. Dwight: Oh! That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed. Jim: Don't beat yourself up. Dwight: We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant, in success. Jim: Who will be watching the children? Dwight: No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible. Jim: Prove it. Dwight: What? Jim: Were going to head outside, give it a whirl. I just want to see how it works. Dwight: Oh no, no, no. Jim: But I'll tell you this, if this works out, I think we're looking real good. Dwight: I promise you, that door locks! [Jim closes the door] [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: What's something that you... Michael: This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It's over. It's done. But my punishment is ... um ... worse than hell. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would ask a few standard questions, and check off a few boxes, but I've got a chance to do some good here. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I know what you want to ask me. "Did your mom ever see you naked?" Toby: We can do this with more privacy. Michael: So you can molest me? Oh, ok. I don't think so. We're going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That's the key. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone, you heard me! Cancel all of your business with the Steamtown Mall! Phyllis: The mall itself or just the stores in the mall? Dwight: All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks! Ryan: America is one big mall. Jim: Did something happen Dwight? Dwight: Yeah, something happened. Oh yeah, something happened, Jim. Andy: Well, tell us what it is. I mean, it would help us to get some context so we can get on board. Dwight: You don't want to know. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: I'd like you to imagine a place where you feel very peaceful. For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop to my car after I drop my daughter off on Sunday afternoons. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I'm glad Michael is getting help. He as a lot of issues, and he's stupid. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [on phone] Look, I'm not going to tell you that we have lower prices. Is price something that is important to you? Ok, well let me know if anything changes. Jim: Pam? Pam: I can't do this. I don't have this sales gene, or whatever it is. Tell me everything is going to be ok. Jim: Everything is going to be ok. Pam: Tell me I'm good at sales. Jim: You're good... you're good at sales. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So, you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that's fair. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Dwight? Dwight: What? Andy: Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the "F" word? Dwight: Yes I did. And I'm going to do the same with all of your clients. Stanley: No you will not. Dwight: Oh yes I will! That mall is corrupt, ok! They're "appearance"ists! Jim: Ok, Dwight. We can't do that. So why don't you just tell us what happened? Pam: Yeah, what happened Dwight? Jim: Ok. Dwight: You guys know me. You know that I'm not one for fancy things, but there was this one thing. It was in a fancy store. And it caught the corner of my eye when I took Mose down to the Mall to get his blood pressure at the Rite-Aid. And I thought, you know, maybe I deserve this. You know, I had a great crop yield this fall... Pam: So what happened? Dwight: I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer, and they looked right at me, and then they looked away. And then I pressed the buzzer again, and they started taking pictures of me on their mobile phones. I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough for precious heirlooms. Kelly: You know what Dwight? You need to go back there, and you need to "Pretty Woman" their asses. Creed: We should start our own mall! Erin: Yeah! Jim: Wait, wait, wait. That's actually a really good idea Kelly. Kelly: What did I say? [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight, how about this? Instead of boycotting, you and I, together, go down to that store and we teach those snobs a lesson. Andy: No, you and I... and I. I'm going to come with you. Dwight: Ok Jim: Alright. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner? [removes cuff link] How about now? [removes other cuff link] How about now? [removes tie clip] How about now? [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Uh... what was your favorite flavor of... Michael: One hour. Toby: What? Michael: One hour. We've done one hour. Let's just speed this up, ok? Keep it moving. I want to do all six hours today. Toby: Ok, I can't count the hour if you don't talk. Michael: No, no, no! I know my rights! All I had to do was sit here for six hours. Do my time. Toby: Michael, it's up to me to check off the boxes, and I can't do that unless I honestly... Michael: You know, do you have any idea how angry this is making me? Toby: Tell me! [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: I think we might be about to maybe really get somewhere. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980's, Beautiful Girl... Andy: Pretty Woman. Dwight: Apparently, it's one of the best revenge stories of all times, in which this s*x worker, who is the antagonist... That can't be right. Andy? How does it...? Jim: No, no. I want to hear you tell it. Dwight: Ok, Um... The s*x worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns dressed in all the "trappings" of extravagant wealth, but instead of going... Andy: Julia Roberts goes into the store, and she's like," I was in here yesterday and you wouldn't help me." And the shop girl goes, "ok". And Julia Roberts goes," You girls work on commission, right?" And the girl is like,"Yeah", and Julia Roberts goes... Kelly: "Big mistake! Huge!" Andy: I was telling that... I was telling that. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: How many paper supplies and ink cartridges to go with that? Ok, sure. Window treatment guy: Who can I speak to in this office about saving on window treatments? Erin: I don't know. Window treatment guy: Is one of you the office administrator? Pam: [hesitates] I am. I am the office administrator! Window treatment guy: Can I show you a few samples? Pam: Oh, we're not interested. We're not interested at all. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Toby, can I really tell you anything? Toby: Of course. Michael: Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my pen1s... I mean peas. That was weird. Aaaah... weird. I think that was ... I was probed. By an alien life form. An A.L.F. Alf, you know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half. But there is a lower half. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Office Administrator. So when did this happen? Pam: A few months ago. I was talking to someone at corporate, who isn't there anymore, and I think the paperwork just got lost in the shuffle. Can you believe that? Oscar: Yeah, totally. Well, congrats! Pam: Thanks! Yeah, so I'm just going to take care of things around the office and get paid a reasonable salary. You believe that, right? Oscar: Totally, that's great. Pam: I get paid $40,000 per year. Oscar: Great. Pam: Maybe $50,000. Oscar: $50,000? Pam: No, not $50,000, $41,000, I think. $41,500. Oscar: That's great. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Before me stands your coworker, Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight, show them all sides. Turn around. Now, today, we need your help turning Dwight into a gentleman. Andy: A gentleman who is a rich snob who will go into shopping malls and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes. Stanley: Is he still doing his boycott? Jim: No, this is instead of the boycott. Yeah? Kelly: You shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo. Jim: Agreed. Dwight: Really? Oscar: Maybe something not so monochromatic. Not so matching. Dwight: Wait. Less matching to appear more rich? Ryan: The glasses are a little... [Dwight drops glasses to the floor, stomps on them] Pam: I liked them. Kelly: I thought they were kind of cute. Ryan: Yeah, I liked them too. Dwight: I can't see. Darryl: Say stuff like, "Good morning, Good Afternoon". People appreciate that. Dwight: Wait, I see you every day. Can I say "Good month?" Darryl: I'm telling you how to do this man. Andy: If someone offers you a cocktail, accept, but keep your wits about you. Angel: Please and thank you go a long way. Dwight: Copy. Thank you. Angela: Thank you. Dwight: Please. Andy: [in a cockney accent] I think he's got it! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight? [howls and growls like a werewolf] Toby: Come on Michael. Those are all fake stories. Michael: Yes, Yes. They are all fake stories. What sort of twisted mind would come up with weird stories like that? [pause] Three hours. We're half way done. Toby: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey, do you have a second? Gabe: Yeah. Pam: Well, as I am sure you know, for the past few months, I've been the Office Administrator. Since right before you guys took over. Gabe: Right, of course! Pam: And, I haven't gotten paid yet. I'm not blaming you. Gabe: Thank you so much. Pam: I just think somebody lost the paperwork. Gabe: Oh boy. Can you get every department head's signature on this so I can back this up to corporate? Pam: Yes. Absolutely. Right away. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: You know what Michael? You're right. You win. This is pointless. We're not getting anywhere. I got a bunch of fun stuff, in case my daughter ever comes over. Why don't we just run out the clock by playing games, drawing some pictures, talking? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [fanfare] Jim: We present to you for your comments and approval, Dwight K. Shrute. Phyllis: Go get 'em Dwight. Jim: Wish us luck! Dwight: Thank you. Erin: Dwight [snaps a picture with a disposable camera, then drops the camera in the trash can] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important even that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: We can play something more complicated if you like. Michael: This is plenty complicated. Toby: So you have played it before? Michael: I've played it once or twice with Jeff. Toby: Who's Jeff? Michael: Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, who she married. Toby: So, her husband, your stepdad? Michael: Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though. Toby: Did you guys do much stuff together? Michael: Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn't able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: It's working. I'm doing it! [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [coughs for attention] Dwight: What? Angela: My place tonight. Wear this. [motioning to his new outfit] Dwight: Do you have your card? Angela: Yes. Don't forget the pipe. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Its really sad that your dog ran away. Why did it keep you from going to the park? Michael: I was afraid I would find him in the park, playing with another kid. Toby: Why? Michael: I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better. Toby: Dogs don't do that. Michael: Right. Why would a dog do that? That's silly. Toby: I don't know. Michael: When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I've never said it out loud, so... Toby: It's very important for you to be liked, isn't it? Michael: Well, lets not get too... This isn't a counseling session... Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok. Toby: I'm just trying to help you Michael. Michael: You. Bitch. God! You're very helpful aren't you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game? Toby: I just want to... Michael: You are good. But you know what? You can't help people. You couldn't help your marriage. You lose. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody. I don't need your help! Am I going to make you cry? Toby: [tossing forms at Michael] Just fill them out any way you want. Michael: Ok. Toby: I'll have Erin fax them back to corporate. Michael: You'll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these [giving Toby two middle fingers] and call me in the morning. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey Michael, um... about three months ago, I was talking to... [Michael grabs form and signs it without reading.] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: There are a lot of one person departments here, so, there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: So, Corporate got your evaluations, and they want me to check, is that really how you feel about Michaels situation? Toby: Yes. Gabe: That is not how it seems to me. Toby: He seems fine. Gabe: You marked severe in all the categories, including at risk for homicidal behavior. Toby: Heh. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: I saw a TLC show on Kate Walsh's home office. All corkboard. Pam: We can do that. Darryl: Right in here? Pam: Easily. Gabe: I'm back! Ha ha. Pam, perfect. I was hoping to talk to the office administrator about a little office administration problem. Pam: But of course! Gabe: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: The problem, unfortunately, is about the office administrator. I have gone through everything for the past three years. There is nothing that says you are the office administrator. Pam: So weird that there is no paperwork. Gabe: At all. Pam: Although, like, unlikely things happen all the time. My best friend, in High School, she went to Australia, Canberra I think, and she met this guy who lived only two streets away in America. Gabe: Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything. I just want everything to be back the way it's supposed to be. Can you just admit... admit... Pam: Admit what? Gabe: I don't want to say it. Pam: Say it. Gabe: Mm-hmm. Pam: Say that I'm lying or say that I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe. Gabe: Statements of such nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment. Pam: Great. Well, Let me know if you need a new chair, or anything that an Office Administrator can handle. Gabe: Will do... Can I get one of those name plates... that says Gabe Lewis? Pam: Sure. Anything else? Gabe: Nope. Pam: I'll get it right away. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 AM, you play the opponent. Not the cards. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Is that what you were here for? A crystal wizard? I like it. Dwight: It is a pewter wizard holding a crystal. Jim: Wait a second. You know you can't buy that now, right? And I can come back and get it for you later. But I'm saying right now, we can't do that. Dwight: Because I'm here for one thing. Revenge. Jim: That's it. Salesman: Let me know if I can help you with anything. Dwight: Excuse me sir. Salesman: Yes? Dwight: I was here yesterday, and you refused to wait on me. Salesman: I remember, yes. I'm terribly sorry about that. Dwight: You work on commission, don't you? Jim: Stop, stop, stop. Salesman: No, we don't. Jim: Did you just say you remember him? Salesman: Of course, but he looks much less threatening now. Jim: What does that mean? Salesman: We had a safety concern. Um... we very politely indicated that he'd be welcome back... Dwight: Good Morning! Salesman: If he were in accordance with our dress policy. Dwight: What? Salesman: But the blood stained hands... Dwight: It was beet juice! I am a beet farmer idi... Salesman: I'm very sorry. Dwight: Good sir. I happen to have been working a very long day. When I came to you fine establishment. You are such a... I'm gonna... Ok. Listen. You can't treat... Thank you! Good morning sir! Jim: Lets just go. Dwight: You made a big mistake. Huge! Jim: There it is. Alright. Dwight: Aaah! Jim: That's pretty good. Andy: After you. Dwight: [re-entering the store] I'll take the wizard! Salesman: Oh, ok! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You forged them! You forged the forms! Toby: You filled them in and faxed them yourself! Michael: Yes. Toby: You remember that. Michael: Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake. Toby: Unless part of you made that mistake on purpose. Michael: You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake... Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet... [mimicking Gabe] "I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I'm here cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!" [normal voice] Ah, ok. Got your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let's do it to it!

Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who is frustrated to find out that his six hours of counseling with Toby cannot be counted unless he talks? A: Toby's job; Q: What does Michael refuse to make easy? A: Pam; Q: Who tries to get a promotion to office administrator? A: Dwight; Q: Who seeks revenge? A: the Pretty Woman style; Q: What style does Dwight seek revenge in? A: his colleagues; Q: Who helps Dwight seek revenge? A: the Steamtown Mall; Q: Where does Dwight seek revenge? Summary: Michael is frustrated to find out that his six hours of counseling with Toby cannot be counted unless he talks; Toby attempts to use different methods to get Michael to talk but Michael refuses to make Toby's job easy. Pam attempts to finagle a promotion to office administrator. Dwight seeks revenge (in the Pretty Woman style) with the help of his colleagues, after a shop owner at the Steamtown Mall refuses to serve him.

[Michael spies on Ben taking his steroids in the bathroom] [Michael talking to Brian on the street] Michael: So there I was, stark naked, freezing my tail off, spying on Ben. Brian: Was he plucking his magic twanger? Michael: No. He had a needle, and he was giving himself a shot in the ass. Brian: The nutty professor, a juice pig? I am so turned on. Here, feel. [Laughing] Michael: Cut it out. I've seen him do it twice. I think he's doing steroids. Brian: For the life of me, I'll never understand why so many gay men want to f*ck their bodies up with drugs. Michael: He's always at the gym, he has these nasty moods. Brian: Roid rage. Well, consider it a small price to pay for an amazing body. Michael: You're a big f*cking help. [In front of Babylon] Emmett: Hi, Guys! Michael: So how are the two love birds? Ted: Uh, freezing our tits off. Emmett: Yeah, well, at least I won't have to pinch my nips to get them all taut. Brian: Allow me. Emmett: Ow! Ted: Can you believe the line to get into this f*cking dump? Michael: Yeah, it's on account of those guys who O.D.'d. Ted: Great. So because some ignorant amateurs didn't know what they were doing, the rest of us should get punished. Emmett: Yeah, you can thank your friend, the chief. Brian: Let's go inside before my dick gets frostbite. Ted: You have a guest pass? Brian: Uh, only one guest. Ted & Emmett: Asshole. Officer to a drag queen: All right, honey, you can go. Officer to Emmett: See some I.D.? Emmett: Hmm. Officer: Any drugs? Emmett: Work the pockets, honey. Work the pockets. Various: Whoo-oo-oo! [Ethan's place] Ethan: You want me to wash your back? Justin: Hmm... Any excuse to keep your hands on me. [Chuckle] Ethan: You know, cleanliness is next to horniness. Justin: Mmm. you know, when you're finished, I know a really cool game we can play. It's called "hide the soap bar." Ethan: Oh-h. [Ringing of telephone] Ethan: Hello? Yeah? Oh hey, how you doing? No f*cking way. That's fantastic! Justin: What? Ethan: Prepared? Are you kidding? I've been preparing my whole life! Yeah. Okay. Thanks, man. That was Glen. Yosef Treblek had a triple bypass. Justin: Who's Yosef Treblek? Ethan: This Hungarian violinist. Justin: Oh god, that's terrible. Ethan: No, no, no, it's the greatest news ever. He was supposed to play the Harrisburg symphony, but obviously he can't now. So glen suggested me, the silver medalist for the Heifetz competition, as the last minute replacement, and they said yes! They said yes! Justin: Oh my god, it's your first concert. Ethan: it's not Philadelphia or Boston, but... Justin: It doesn't matter. It's a start. Ethan: Oh, god. I wish you could be there with me. Justin: I wish I could too. But your agent would flip out if I was there. Ethan: Yeah. I know. Hey, I was going to give you this when the phone rang. [Ethan shows the rings to Justin] I bought two of them. They weren't very expensive, but the guy at the store swore to me that they were one of a kind. And I thought it would be a way for us to be together, even when we're apart. [At Vangard agency] TV announcer: Citizen, war hero, cop, chief of police. Jim Stockwell. You can sleep at night knowing he's the mayor. Paid for by the committee to elect Jim Stockwell. [Brian is bored] Jim: Well? What do you think? Brian: If I want to sleep at night, I could take a xanax. Or I could watch your ad. Gardner: What my partner means-- Brian: What I mean is, it's f*cking boring. Nancy: That spot was made by one of the best agencies in the state. Dominic: 96% of the test group we showed it to reacted favourably. Brian: Who were they, insomniacs? Jim: Our loyal supporters. Brian: Well, you've already got their vote. But what about the voters who are undecided, or the ones who wouldn't cast a ballot for a law and order candidate? You have to pull them into your camp if you want to win. And there is no way in hell you're going to do it with that. Nancy: I suppose you have a better plan? Brian: Do you work out? Jim: Four times a week. religiously. Brian: Any sports? Jim: Golf. Swimming. Basketball. Brian: Hobbies? Jim: Build model airplanes. Brian: No sh1t. I did that when I was a kid. You too? Gardner: Sure, who didn't? But what's the point? Brian: The point is, I can relate to it. Everyone can. But who the hell's going to relate to some stiff in a uniform? Gardner: Brian, take it easy... Jim: It's all right. I don't mind the truth even if you use it like an assault weapon. So what do you suggest? Brian: Change your image. Stop selling yourself as a hero and start selling yourself as a man. Nancy: That's it? Brian: An ordinary man, with the same cares and concerns as everyone else. The only difference is, you're in a position to actually do something about it. Jim: Look, I know I came to you for some fresh ideas. However, it's a radical change from the campaign we've been running. Dominic: Too radical. Brian: Well, it's your call. But with the way things are going, I'd say you have nothing to lose except the election. [Liberty Diner] Emmett: See now, this, shade of apricot for the walls is calling out for a plum carpet; which practically screams for the raspberry couch with the peach cushions. Ted: Yeah, I knew I should've gotten the fruit cobbler. Lindsay: isn't it a bit extreme? Mel: For Emmett, I'd say it's a bit subdued. Emmett: Excuse me? Lindsay: You're moving into a different kind of neighbourhood. It's not the gay ghetto. It's a bedroom community. Ted There's a difference? Mel: Yes, it's more traditional, more reserved. So, maybe you want to change your style, lose the Streisand posters. Emmett: The main event was going in the entry. Lindsay: The slave-boy lamps? Ted: It's going on the bar, right? Mel: You just want to think about fitting in, rather than standing out. Lindsay: Think our house. Emmett: Your house? Am I to believe I'm actually getting decorator tips from lesbians? Ted: Look, this is Emmett's project, right? He's got carte blanche to do whatever he wants with the house. Streisand, plums, kumquats if that's what he wants, then that's what it'll be. Lindsay: Good luck. Debbie: By the way, you didn't hear it from me, and I didn't hear it from my cop boyfriend; but there's a certain police chief who wants to be mayor who's trying to get some attention for himself by going after businesses that pander to shall we say- Emmett: Prurient interests? Debbie: I was gonna say web-whackers. Ted: Well, don't worry about me, deb. I run a clean operation. Emmett: Teddy is immaculate. He even rinses out his underwear before he puts them in the laundry. Debbie: Honey, if they want to, they can always find something. Ted: Well, thanks for the heads-up, Deb. Debbie: Well, don't thank me. [Brian comes into the Diner] Thank Benedict Arnold Kinney. He's the one working for the enemy. Brian: Nice to see you too. I'll have a split pea soup to go. Debbie: Justin, a split pea. And feel free to piss in it. Brian: You should really learn to separate your personal feelings from business, Deb. Justin: It's three bucks. Brian: Where'd you get the ring? Justin: Ethan Brian: How romantic. Justin: f*ck all you'd know about romance. Brian: Keep it. Justin: That's a big tip. Brian: Maybe you could buy him some flowers. I'm sure he'd like that. [Ben and Michael's place] Ben: Are you having an Internet affair, Michael? You've been on that a long time. Michael: I'm doing some research. Ben: Ah! Work? Michael: For you. Ben: Me? Steroids? Michael: I saw you. Ben: Saw me what? Michael: Shooting up. So unless you've suddenly become a heroin addict, I figure that's what it is. Ben: Michael, are you spying on me? Michael: Spying on you? We live together. How can I not notice? Ben: Well, a lot of guys are using them, okay? To fight body wasting. Michael: You're not wasting. Ben: Yet. Michael: Did your doctor prescribe them? Ben: No. Michael: Well, then where did you get them? Ben: What is this, an interrogation? Michael: I'm concerned, that's all. It says there're a lot of side effects. Mood swings, diarrhea, liver damage-- Ben: Yeah, I'm aware of the potential side effects, Michael. I have done my research too. Michael: Well then, we should've at least talked it over. Ben: Look. I'm just trying a cycle, okay? To see if it makes any difference. And so far the advantages are beating the disadvantages. Huh? [Ben showing his muscles to Michael] It's not too bad, huh? Michael: It's fine. Ben: How about that? [Ben makes Michael touch his abs and then his dick] Michael: Nice. Aw, don't tell me it works on that too. [Brian makes the commercial of Stockwell] Jim to the kids: Get on him, get on him, get on him. Good shot. Okay, take it out. You're guarding him. Move a little bit, right there. Jim to the camera: I'm Jim Stockwell, police chief and coach of my son's basketball team. There was a time when you could send your kids to the park. Before s*x and drugs were available on every street corner. As a crime fighter and a parent, I'd like to see those times again. I know you would too. Vote for me for mayor, and let's make Pittsburgh family-friendly once more. Man: And cut. Brian to the cameraman: Keep rolling, keep rolling. keep rolling. Jim: How was that? Man: It was great. Brian: Did you get that? Cameraman: Yep, I got it. Brian: Thanks. Jim to Brian: How was that? Brian: If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were tom cruise. [Ted's office] Ted: Everyone have valid I.D.s? Men: Yes, sir! Ted: Mm-hm. Any convicted felons? Men: No, sir! Ted: Mm-hm. Any illegal drugs on the premises? Men: No, sir! Ted: Excellent. All right back to work. Men: Yes, sir! Ted: Oh, and, uh... keep it clean. Men: Yes, sir! Ted: I mean keep it dirty but-- Men: Yes, sir! Ted to his assistant: Fire alarms, sprinkler systems, handicapped ramp, toilets? Eddie: All up to code, Mr. Schmidt. Ted: Any rodents or pests on the premises? Eddie: Only the human kind, Mr. Schmidt. Ted: All rules and regulations the correct size and clearly posted? Eddie: Measured to the inch. Just like your jerkers, Mr. Schmidt. Ted: Well then, Eddie I'd say we have nothing to worry about. Every detail has been checked and re-checked. Let 'em come and inspect. We, at Teddy's whack-shack, are ready for them. [Ethan and Justin's place] Journalist: So how do you feel about your first concert appearance? Scared, confident, excited? Ethan: Definitely all of the above. Journalist: You know, it's quite a remarkable achievement for someone so young, and obviously so gifted to have such sudden success. I understand that until recently, you were performing on street corners? Ethan: Well, you gotta pay the rent. [Opening of door -Justin and Daphne come in] Justin: What's up? Ethan to the journalist: Hey, this is Justin, my cousin, and his girlfriend, Daphne. They like to use the apartment sometimes when I'm not here. Ethan to Justin and Daphne: Hey, guys, this is Alexa Scott, she's interviewing me for the paper. Justin: Right. Ethan: So why don't you guys come back another time? Justin: Sure. I'll see you later. Come on, Daph. Ethan: Sorry about the interruption. Alexa: Ah. Just a couple more questions. Do you have a girlfriend? Ethan: I'd prefer not to talk about that. Alexa: Oh... that usually means yes. [Sit on the street] Daphne: "Girlfriend"? What the f*ck was that? Justin: His agent doesn't want anyone to know he's gay. He thinks it could hurt his career. Daphne: Who gives a sh1t who a violinist is f*cking? Justin: Don't ask me. I agreed to go along with it. Daphne: You know, Brian might not have been everything you wanted in a boyfriend, but at least he never asked you to lie. Justin: He didn't have his entire future career at stake. Daphne: So you're going to be his "cousin"? Like anyone's dumb enough to believe that. Justin: No one's going to know. Daphne: Justin, you almost died coming out. How could you go back in for anyone? Justin: I don't want to talk about it. Daphne: But it's f*cking unfair of him to make you pretend you're something that you're not. Justin: I said I didn't want to talk about it. So would you mind your own f*cking business? [Silent] [Ted and Emmett's house] Emmett: Can you believe those dykes telling us how we should decorate our house? Don't they realize Laura Ashley went out with rotary phones? Ted: Now, now. Show a little compassion. I mean, they can't help it if they're design-challenged. Emmett: It would look stunning here. Ted: What would? Emmett: A chair and ottoman upholstered in dyed blueberry ostrich-skin. What do you think? Ted: Brings out your eyes. Emmett: Mmm. But it's too expensive. Ted: Who cares about cost? This isn't an investment, it's a home. It's our home. Emmett: Mmm... This must be a fairy tale 'cause I married a prince. Jen: Whoops! Sorry, guys. I'm just here to report, the house inspector's doing just fine. No major problems so far. Knock wood. [Rapping on door] Jen: Well... [Jen open the door] Sunny: Hi, I'm Sunny! Sunny reed. Actually, it's Susanna. But ever since I was a baby, they called me sunny, I guess just because I always have the sunniest smile on my face. Jen: Oh... I... I'm Jennifer. Ever since I was a baby, they've called me Jennifer. Sunny: Well, welcome to the neighbourhood. I just know you're going to love it here. Jen: Oh, thanks. I'm just the realtor; I'm not the new owner. Ted: That'd be me. Ted Schmidt. Sunny: Hi, Ted! Sunny! Sunny reed. My husband and I just live next door. Welcome to the neighbourhood. I brought you a caramel cake. I'm famous for my caramel cake. But don't worry, Ted. I'll share the recipe with Mrs. Schmidt. Where is Mrs. Schmidt? Emmett: That'd be me. Sunny: Then you're--? Emmett: That'd be us. Sunny: Well, isn't that interesting? Well, I just know you're going to love it here. Everybody does. We just have the best schools and churches, and everybody babysits and looks out for each other's kids. Jen: Well, that sounds like a very friendly group of people, doesn't it, guys? Ted: Very. Emmett: Friendly. Sunny: In fact, it's a tradition that we host a cocktail party for our new arrivals. Nothing formal, just a little..."hi, welcome to the neighbourhood" kind of thing. So, how's Friday at around 6:00, just right next door? Ted: Well, thank you Sunny. Sunny: Such a lovely house. The Harrises, they just had the most exquisite taste. Early American furniture and oriental rugs... Well, I should go. Oh, your cake! Oh. See you Friday. Emmett: See you Friday. Ted: Bye-bye, Sunny. Jen: Bye. Emmett: Toodles. Ted: There you go, Mrs. Schmidt. [Debbie's house] Debbie: Jen said that Ted and Emmett's new house has tonnes of curb appeal. Michael to Ben: Like you. Vic: Although why those two would want to live around a bunch of breeders is beyond me. Ben: A lot of us are moving on up these days. Vic: I'll take Liberty Avenue. Debbie: Oh, sh1t! Michael: What? Debbie: My good ring just fell behind the fridge. Michael: Your good ring? Debbie: Yeah, the one I got on the TV show. Vic: From the Joan rivers collection. Debbie: And don't say a f*cking thing against her. I like that she's got a big, dirty mouth that gets her in trouble. Michael: I wonder why. Debbie: Someone give me a hand. Michael: What... ma. Wait... Debbie: Someone give me a hand here. Ben: Debbie, Debbie. Hold. Let me do that, all right? You're gonna hurt yourself. All right. Debbie: Can you see it? Ben: Uummm... This? Debbie: Yes! Oh, my hero. Oh. Now that's what I call a real man. Vic: We could've done the same. Michael: Yeah, with a forklift. Debbie: Thank you. Ben: Okay. Well, I better go wash my hands. Debbie: Has Ben actually gotten bigger since the last time I saw him? Michael: Yeah, well he's been working out a lot lately. Vic: And it shows. Debbie: Mmm. what's his secret? Michael: You know, protein shakes, low-carb diet, stuff like that. Vic: Does "stuff like that" include steroids? Debbie: Is that what he's doing? Michael: He says it prevents wasting. Vic: Wasting? He's built like a brick shithouse. Debbie: The stuff is poison. For one thing, it makes you meaner than cat piss. And for another-- Michel: For another, it's none of your concern. If that's what Ben needs to do to stay alive and healthy, then that's all that matters. Vic: Can't argue that if that's the only reason. [SCENE_BREAK] [TV spot - Jim Stockwell] "I'm Jim Stockwell, police chief and coach of my son's basketball team. There was a time when you could send your kids to the park, before s*x and drugs were available on every corner. As a crime fighter and a parent, I'd like to see those times again. I know you would too. Vote for me for mayor, and let's make Pittsburgh family-friendly once more. [In Vangard agency] [SCENE_BREAK] Dominic: You gotta be kidding. Nancy: it's a music video, not a campaign advertisement. Dominic: There's no way we're going to run that. Nancy: It's practically obscene, revealing his body like some sort of s*x object. Brian: What do you think sells corn flakes? Gardner: There is a strategy behind all this. When we'll air the spot, on which programmes- Brian: Those with a strong female demographic, ages 18-34. Jim: All right, do it. Nancy: Jim, you can't-- Jim: But if you turn me into a joke I'll f*cking have your balls. Gardner: If he turns you into a joke, I'll f*cking give them to you. [Ted's place] [Humming of Hair dryer] Ted: Em? Emmett: Hi, hon, I'll be right out. Ted: The new "traviata" just came out. Can't wait to hear it. Emmett: Oh yeah? [Chuckling] Emmett: What's so funny? Ted: What, are you planning on going straight again, or is this some kind of bizarro, cross-dressing practice you engage in when I'm not around? Emmett: I was just putting together an outfit for the neighbours' party. Ted: Well, you'll fit right in. [Chuckling] Emmett: Oh, oh, and check this out. It's my new colour scheme for the living room. Mocha walls, chocolate mohair couch, and, charcoal tweed club chairs. Ted: Oh, it's very smart, very sophisticated, but not very you. I mean, what happened to the plum carpet, the raspberry sofa, the casaba melon pillows? Emmett: Peach. Ted: Oh. Emmett: Well, I hate to admit it, but you know, maybe Mel and Linds were right. It was too fruity. Ted: Uh-huh. so, instead we get assimilationist-beige, blend-right-in-brown and make-no-waves-grey. Emmett: I just figured that since we're leaving Liberty Avenue, maybe it was time we left certain other things behind too. Ted: Like our colour scheme, our self-respect? I mean, whatever happened "to f*ck 'em all" Honeycutt? Emmett: Back in Hazlehurst, I used to look up at those houses on the hill, you know, where the right people lived? And dream that one day, I would live there too. And now that my dream is finally coming true, I... I just... I don't want people thinking th-- Ted: That we're the fags next door? Well, that's what we're going to be no matter what you do. And if they don't say it to our face, they'll say it behind our backs. Wait there. [Distant wailing Of sirens] Ted: This is what the well-dressed queer will be wearing on Friday night. Emmett: I love that shirt. Isn't it so cute? [At Gym - Ben paying for his steroids - Brian watching all] Ben: Perfect. All right, man. Thank you. I appreciate it. [Ben to Brian] I didn't see you. Brian: Guess not. Ben: You don't usually, uh, work out this time of day, do you? Brian: Not usually. Ben: Look, it's not what you think. Brian: I think it's exactly what I think. Michael told me he was going to talk to you. Ben: Huh. Yeah, well he did. And he understands. Brian: Well, that's Michael. Always understanding. Ben: Why don't you just mind your own business? Brian: If it was just you, I would. As my dear old dad used to say, you're three times seven. But it's not just you. You're taking him down with you. Ben: I do not need to be lectured by the biggest whore in Pittsburgh. You are f*cking lucky you're not positive. [Ethan's place] Ethan: You all right? Justin: Sure. Ethan: Really? It was the interview. Justin: No. I don't give a sh1t about that. Huh, Daphne was pretty pissed of passing me off as your cousin. Ethan: Well, come on. I had to think of something. Justin: Is this how it's going to be from now on? Lying, playing games. Now you're going away. Ethan: To Harrisburg for one night. It's not like I'm going on a world tour. Justin: That's next. Ethan: I wish. Look. Who knows what's going to happen? I could bomb, and that'll be the end of it. But if this works we could have this amazing life. I was thinking, we could buy a farmhouse, with a studio, and a practice room. Justin: You dream big. Ethan: Why not? Doesn't cost anything. Justin: God, you're such a romantic. Ethan: I hate that you're not going to be there with me. Justin: Not as much as me. Ethan: How am I going to perform without my muse? Justin: You'll do fine. Besides, you always said I was distracting. Ethan: Don't you know I was playing just for you? [Brian's loft] Michael: You're not ready. Well, come on. Get dressed. You don't want to miss all that hot male action. What's the matter with you? Brian: This. Michael: How'd you get that? What? Did one of your s*x partners get carried away? Brian: No, one of yours. Your boyfriend practically stuffed me into a locker. Michael: What? How come? Brian: Well, it seems I said something about his steroid use he took objection to. Michael: Why'd you say anything at all? Brian: Um... Because it's undignified for a university professor and not-so-best-selling author to be seen making drug deals in a locker room. Michael: You saw him? Brian: Yeah. And now I'll be forced to sit at home, not wearing my most fabulous new sleeveless shirt to Babylon. Michael: I'm really sorry. Brian: Yeah, like that makes up for the fact that I'll be scarred for life. Michael: Well, you can tell people you got it duelling. Brian: I thought you were going to talk to him. Michael: I did. He said it's something he needs to do. Brian: Ben needs more muscles like I need another cock. Michael: He said he's aware of the side effects. Brian: Like practically murdering his lover's best friend? Well, if you're cool sleeping with your eyes open and a hatchet under your pillow, that's your business. Just keep him the f*ck away from me. [In the street in front of Ethan's place] Ethan: Okay, I got my rented tux, my train Ticket, "Mischa". Okay, I guess that's everything. Except you. Justin: It's okay. You'll be back tomorrow. Ethan: I love stiff-upper-lip goodbyes. So Mrs. Miniver. Justin: Who's she? Ethan: It's from an old movie. Don't you know anything? Justin: I'm an idiot. Ethan: Ah, shut up. Justin: Careful. There might be paparazzi lurking on the rooftop. Ethan: f*ck 'em. Children in the other sidewalk: Look! [chuckling][Mocking Laughter] Ethan: I'll be thinking about you, every step of the way, wishing you were there. Justin: Me too. Ethan: You will be. Justin: Oh god. What a cornball. Ethan: It's why you love me. [Closing of cab door] [In a Bar] Dominic: This is amazing. Just amazing. Nancy: You've gone up eight points in the polls. Dominic: There was even an editorial in the paper this morning. Jim: Good or bad? Dominic: It was mixed. Brian: It doesn't matter as long as they're talking about you. Nancy: And all since your commercials aired. Brian: Yeah, all of those years of sit-ups finally paid off. Gardner: Well, we've been getting calls about it all morning. Jim: I just want you to know, I had every faith in you. Brian: No, you didn't. But you took a chance anyway. Gardner: So, uh... What's our resident genius have in mind now? Jim on TV: I'm Jim Stockwell, police chief, and coach of my son's basketball team. There was a time... Brian: Keep your face in the news. I'll keep your face on the screen. Jim on TV: ...available on every corner. As a crime fighter and a parent... [Emmett and Ted walking to their "hi, welcome to the neighbourhood" party] Ted: Uh, come on. We're the guests of honour. It's rude to be late. Emmett: My intuition tells me things are not going to go well tonight. Ted: Well, your intuition also told you Madonna was going to win the oscar for "Evita", so... Emmett: She SO deserved it. Ted: Look, no matter what happens in there tonight, just remember, this is what pride is all about. Why our forefathers and fore drag queens stood their ground at stonewall so that we could buy a house in a neighbourhood like this. [Chiming of doorbell] Sunny: Oh, there you two are! Come on in! [Sunny looking at Emmett shirt] Oh my goodness, look at that! I can't wear pastels, they make me look so dumpy. But you gays can wear anything. Such beautiful bodies. You put our husbands to shame! Speaking of the devil, my husband, Dennis. [Sunny speaking to his husband] Den, our new neighbours, Fred and Emile. Ted: Eh, it's Ted. Emmett: Emmett. Dennis: Glad you could make it. We know you boys probably have a lot more exciting things to do on a Friday night. Ted speaking quietly to Emmett: Well, actually they don't need to know about killer krotch nite at Babylon. Dennis: How about a drink? Emmett: Iwould give my left tit... I mean, my left arm for a cosmo. Sunny: Everybody! Well these are the boys who bought the Harris house. [Squeals of welcome] Woman 1: Hi! I'm Dede and this is Phil. We live across the street. Ted: Hi. Dede: Well, sunny has told us all about you. You know, our favourite TV show is that gay Drama. What's it called? Phil: Gay as...something. Ted: Gay as blazes? Dede: That's it! Oh, we love the characters. You know, gay people have the same problems that we do. Emmett: Isn't it amazing? Dede: Yeah. [Giggling] Woman 2: We're the Mayerhoffs. Ted and Emmett: Hi. Mrs Mayerhoffs: You must come to the school musical. We're doing "Mame", and our 12-year-old Olivia is Mame. Emmett: Oh? Woman 3: Not until they come to my house for dinner. I have a cousin who's a lesbian. Man: Big deal. My brother is a tranny. Woman 3: What the hell's that? Man: Some people are so ignorant, aren't they? [Man to woman 3] A transsexual. Right, guys? Emmett: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's... right. Ted: Uh, it's totally what we call them. Tranny. Dennis: Drinks? Emmett and Ted: Thank you. All: Cheers! Cheers! [Laughing] Dede: Welcome to our new neighbours. Mrs Mayerhoffs: Happy home-owning! [At Ethan's concert} Ethan to Glen: So what did you think? All in the hall: [Clapping] Man 1: Just terrific. Ethan: Thank you. Woman 1: Thrilling performance. And you were so passionate. Ethan: I tend to get involved with what I'm playing. Man 1: And to step in like that, at the last minute. Most impressive. Ethan: It was a privilege to perform, sir. Thank you. Glen: You play your admirers almost as well as your violin. Ethan: I didn't work street corners for nothing. Man 2: Well done, Mr. gold. Glen: Next time, we get a tux that fits. Ethan: You mean there's actually going to be a next time? Glen: I spoke with the buffalo symphony. They want to include you in their "emerging artists series." Ethan: No sh1t! Woman 2: Mr. gold? Wonderful. Ethan: Thank you. Thank you very much! Glen: I'll call you when I get back to New York with the details, okay? [Justin watching Ethan having an indistinct conversation with a fan, and watching Ethan following this same fan] [Sunny's house] Sunny: Cocktail frank? Ted: Uh, it's Ted. [Giggling] Thank you, Sunny. Den: What line are you in, Emmett? Emmett: I work at a small gentleman's haberdashery, on Liberty Avenue. Dede: Oh, the gay street! Emmett: Yeah, that's right. Sunny: Cocktail frank? Emmett: No, thank you. But what I really want to do is be a party planner. Sunny: Maybe you could help plan my holiday party. Dede: And mine! Mrs Mayerhoffs: Oh and mine! Emmett: Oh, that would be great! Women: Ah! [Laughter] Ted to Emmett! And your intuition told you tonight would be a disaster. [Chiming of doorbell] Sunny at the door: Can I help you, officers? Is someone double-parked? Officer 1: Uh, we were told we might find a Theodore Schmidt here, ma'am. Officer 2: His office gave us this address. Sunny: Our new neighbour. He's right in here. Officer1: Theodore Schmidt? Woman: OH... Ted: Yeah, that's, right. Can I help you, officers? Officer 1: You're under arrest, Mr. Schmidt. Emmett: Arrest? Ted: For what? Officer 1: Contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Emmett: That's very flattering, officer. I know I look way younger than my years, but... Officer 1: An inspection of your pornographic website establishment found an underage employee on your premises. Ted: Uuh! No, that... that's absurd. I checked and double-checked everyone. There are no under-age employees. Officer 1: What about Edward Stewart Malone? Ted: Eddie? He's my assistant. Officer 1: He won't be 18 for another 3 months. Various: Good lord. Oh! Ted: Eddie's 21! Officer 2: Not according to his birth certificate. Emmett: But, he's so tall. Officer 1: Want to come along? Officer Norton here will read you the miranda. Ted: Em... Emmett: Uh, uh... Uh, thank you, Sunny, thank you, Dennis, um... Well, everyone, as soon as we get moved in, we're going... have a... a big ol' barbecue. And you're all invited. So... Various: Oh... goodness. Oh, you just neverknow about people. [Michael and Ben's place] Ben: [Vomiting] Michael: Can I do anything? Ben: Must be something I ate. Michael: Or the steroids. Ben: We already had that conversation. Michael: It's f*cking you up. Ben: It is not f*cking me up. Michael: Yeah, it is. And you don't even know it. Christ, you even hit Brian. Ben: I did not hit him! Michael: Well, shoved him, made him bleed, whatever. But you can't just go around shoving people and acting all crazy. Ben: Oh, now I'm crazy? Uh, f*ck you! Michael: You're not crazy. You just...Sometimes you act that way. Ben: You don't understand anything. Michael: Understand what? Ben: What it's like to wake up every morning and remember, "oh yeah, I've got this thing." Because you don't have this thing. You never have to take a mouthful of meds, never knowing when they'll stop working, Never knowing when a f*cking cough or a f*cking sniffle may land you in the hospital, because to you, Michael, it is just a f*cking cough or a f*cking sniffle! And every time I go to kiss you or suck you or f*ck you, even when we're protected, even then there's still this shitty, nagging doubt that maybe, just maybe, you could get infected. Sometimes I just think... Michael: What? Sometimes you just think what? Ben: What it might just be easier to be with someone who's positive. [Michael going in the bathroom and slamming the door] [At Woody's Justin is alone observed by Brian] Brian: Buy you another one? Justin: No thanks. Brian: Where's your fiance? Justin: He's playing somewhere. Brian: Well, luckily...You have this. [Brian pointing the ring] [SCENE_BREAK] Brian: See ya.

Plan: A: Brian's help; Q: What helps Stockwell take the lead in the polls? A: Stockwell; Q: Who takes the lead in the polls? A: Ted; Q: Who readies Jerk-at-work.net for surprise police raids? A: Michael; Q: Who confronts Ben about his steroid use? A: Ethan; Q: Who gives Justin a surprise performance? Summary: With Brian's help Stockwell takes the lead in the polls. Ted readies Jerk-at-work.net for any surprise police raids. Michael confronts Ben about his steroid use. Ethan gives Justin a surprise performance.

(To avoid confusion and many messages that will no doubt be sent to me, Sydney's mother will be known as IRINA in the transcripts. Not Laura, The Man, Mrs. Bristow, Derevko. Irina Derevko is her real Russian name anyway and Sloane refers to her as that later in the episode.) (The last part of the finale. Sydney wakes up in her blue wig, handcuffed to a chair. Khasinau stands in front of her with a tray of food. He sits down.) SYDNEY: You're Alexander Khasinau. KHASINAU: You should eat something. SYDNEY: I'm not hungry. (He nods and puts it down. He gets up.) SYDNEY: Wait. I have questions for you. KHASINAU: You can ask my boss. SYDNEY: Your boss? I thought "The Man" was the boss. KHASINAU: Yes. Yes, but I am not "The Man." (He leaves and a woman enters. Sydney's eyes get wide.) THE MAN: I've waited almost thirty years for this. SYDNEY: Mom? (She steps into the light.) IRINA: You must have known this day would come. I could have prevented all this, of course. You were so small when you were born. It would have been so easy. (Sydney sees that her mother is holding a gun against her thigh.) IRINA: Tell me... Sydney... who sent you here? You must tell me. SYDNEY: What? I'm grounded? (Irina raises her gun and shoots Sydney in the left shoulder.) SYDNEY: Ugh! (She falls, still handcuffed to the chair, down to the ground. Gasping, she looks up at her mom.) IRINA: Tell you what -- think about it. I'll come back and ask you again. (Sydney cries and gasps.) DR. BARNETT: (vo) You were shot by your mother? (Therapy session in Barrett's office at the CIA. Sydney's arm is in a sling.) SYDNEY: Yes. DR. BARNETT: And you don't have a problem? SYDNEY: No, what I meant by that -- yes, of course I have problems. The problems I have, I can handle. DR. BARNETT: How did you escape? SYDNEY: I'm sorry, but Agent Vaughn is missing and my sitting here telling Houdini stories to a CIA shrink -- no offence -- is pointless. No one should be worrying about me. It's him. We should all be looking for him. DR. BARNETT: You're frustrated because you're not part of the search team but Sydney, they're looking and you've been ordered to come and talk to me. SYDNEY: I knew I couldn't get out of the room until I got out of the chair. (Back in the room. Sydney is still on the ground with the chair.) SYDNEY: (vo) It was an unreinforced aluminum chair. (Panting, grunting, she tries to get up on her knees without using her hands since they're behind her back. With much grunting, she stands up and looks around for something.) SYDNEY: (vo) I wedged it against a water valve to put stress on the weld points. (She cries out, grunting and pushing the chair against the valve. She breaks it, the legs of the chair still dangling from her handcuffs. She runs against the door.) SYDNEY: (vo) Getting past the door was a little more complicated. (She takes out various things -- a wrench, the cover off of a valve on a compressed air tank, a cement block -- and uses the wrench to bang at the valve. She hits it a few times and the valve itself falls off. The tank flies across the room and smashes through the door. Sydney runs out and up the stairs. A guard comes out of a room and sees her. She uses the legs of the chair on her handcuffs as numchucks and kicks the guard. He tries to fight back but she smashes the leg of chair into his face. He falls down the stairs.) (Therapy.) DR. BARNETT: And you did all this with a bullet in your shoulder? SYDNEY: Do you not believe me? DR. BARNETT: It's impressive. SYDNEY: Not really. One thing I have learned doing this -- there's no drug like adrenaline. (She runs through the building. Two guards come out of a room. She takes out her gun and fires. Sydney rolls across a large crate and another guard comes out. She kicks him and runs out of the building and uses her dog collar, which is apparently a transmitter, to call her dad who's on a plane sitting in the airport. Will's in the background.) JACK: Where the hell are you? SYDNEY: I'm in the middle of Taipei. I just got free. Is Vaughn with you? JACK: No, we haven't heard from him. Sydney, you have to get to the plane now. SYDNEY: Dad, I have to go back for him. JACK: No, there's no time! The Taiwanese authorities will check this airstrip. SYDNEY: I can't leave him behind. Hold the plane, I have to back to the lab. JACK: Sydney, wait! (She's gone.) WILL: Who's Vaughn? (Therapy.) DR. BARNETT: Tell me about Vaughn. SYDNEY: He's my CIA handler. For a long time, he was the only person I could trust. I think that still might be the case. Anyway, a good friend of mine -- a civilian, Will Tippin -- was kidnapped. Vaughn came to me, he offered to help. So the two of us and my father went to Taipei to get my friend back. DR. BARNETT: How did Vaughn go missing? SYDNEY: The last time I saw Vaughn was the night before my mother shot me. (From the finale, the club. Sydney and Vaughn walk together.) SYDNEY: (vo) When my father was paying a ransom in exchange for my friend, Vaughn and I went in to destroy one of the kidnapper's research facilities. (Sydney breaks in.) SYDNEY: (vo) We broke in through a club in the building next door. Along the way, we split up. (From the finale, Vaughn and Sydney split up.) VAUGHN: Good luck. SYDNEY: You, too. SYDNEY: (vo) When I got to the lab I was supposed to destory, I found something... unusual. (The big red floating ball from the finale.) (Therapy.) DR. BARNETT: What was it? SYDNEY: The short answer is, I have no idea. But there was no time and I did my job. (Finale. Explosion. Guards fall.) SYDNEY: (vo) By destroying the lab, I flooded the building. (Finale. Vaughn runs. Sees Sydney running towards him, yelling "Go! Go!" and watching the water come but not running like hell. He stares. She motions for him to run. He stares. She grabs his chest to make him run. He's finally running behind her, the door's closing, we've all seen this. Sydney makes it, tries to hold the door open. Vaughn stares. She stares. We all stare. Water slams him up against the door. Sydney hits it with the fire extinguisher over and over.) (Therapy.) DR. BARNETT: Mmm. And when you woke up, you were handcuffed to an aluminum chair. SYDNEY: After I escaped, I went back to the last place I had seen him. (The soaked lab that held the big floating red ball. There are several men in biohazard suits walking around.) SYDNEY: (vo) There was a hazmat team cleaning up the mess, testing the water. I stole a suit and went in. (Sydney in her blue wig -- not suspicious at all -- walks around in one of the suits. She sees a man whom I'll refer to as THE TESTER take a sample. Water damage everywhere. The base of the floating red ball is in the background, the U-shaped object.) (Therapy.) SYDNEY: I found Vaughn's coat. When I finally made it back to the plane, Vaughn still hadn't shown up. (Plane is in the air. Jack takes a syringe and taps it.) JACK: Okay, easy. (He inserts it into Sydney.) SYDNEY: Oooh. JACK: What happened to the guy who shot you? SYDNEY: There was no guy. It was Mom. And it didn't seem like she worked for Khasinau. It seems that Khasinau works for her. (Jack looks down.) WILL: Um, excuse me, did you say you were shot by your mother? JACK: Sit down! (Sydney's cell rings.) SYDNEY: Hello? (Francie is at home, watching the news. A newscaster is talking, to his left is a small picture of Will with "SD-6?" written under his picture and "MISSING REPORTER" on the bottom of the screen.) FRANCIE: Hey, where are you? SYDNEY: Just coming home from San Francisco. What's up? FRANCIE: Have you heard from Will? SYDNEY: Have I heard from Will? No. (Sydney gives Will a look.) FRANCIE: Well, me neither and there's this story on the news right now. Will wrote a story in today's paper that wasn't supposed to get printed unless he went missing. SYDNEY: What was Will's story about? FRANCIE: It's about... the murder of your fiance, and some conspiracy, and some group called SD-6. (Time lapse.) JACK: What did you write about SD-6?! WILL: Nothing! Just the name! I don't even know what it is! I just heard the name! Why?! Do you know what it is? Is it a group? Are they good? Are they bad? I mean, do you work with them? (Therapy.) SYDNEY: Will was asking all the questions I would have asked. DR. BARNETT: What did you say to him? SYDNEY: Without going into details we told him the truth: that my father and I work for the CIA, that we're working undercover at SD-6, one of a number of private agencies based in various countries that trade in weapons, drugs, intelligence that use covert means to undermine governments and industries in their attempt to take over the world. DR. BARNETT: So what was his reaction? (On the plane. Will looks back and forth. Beat.) WILL: Seriously? (Therapy.) SYDNEY: He thought it sounded preposterous. Which is appropriate. DR. BARNETT: Did Will's article put you in danger at SD-6? SYDNEY: My problem at SD-6 came from a different source. (Dixon sits in Sloane's office.) DIXON: As you're aware, I was shot last year while on a mission with Agent Bristow. I was left with few memories of that day. The doctor said that type of memory loss was typical. But then last week I remembered something. I remembered Agent Bristow trying to save my life using a satcomm radio. What was unusual was that she ID'd herself with a call sign not issued by SD-6. Call sign Freelancer. Last Thursday night I followed Agent Bristow. I watched as she illegally gained access to an SD-6 facility in Santa Barbara. I prayed, sir, that there was an explanation but when I confonted Sydney she had none. As a servant of this country, despite the fact it breaks my heart to do so, I must report that I believe Sydney Bristow to be a double agent. SYDNEY: (vo) My father, of course, anticipated this. (On the plane.) JACK: You and I need to assume Dixon's reported you. The best move for us is for me to take full responsibility. SYDNEY: What about Will? JACK: (to Will) You're... going to have a hard time. (Therapy.) SYDNEY: Then we landed and went back to SD-6. As my father predicted, they took me into custody. That's when he went to Sloane. (Sloane's office.) SLOANE: You gave Sydney the call sign Freelancer? JACK: Yes, that's right. SLOANE: Why? JACK: Because I didn't trust you. Consider it a paternal instinct. I'm only telling you because of Tippin's article. SLOANE: I should have had Tippin killed months ago. JACK: Tippin's kidnapping led us directly to Khasinau. Sydney destroyed their facility, now Khasinau's organization is fractured. Those who didn't lose their lives are on the run. This is an opportunity. I broke protocol, the Alliance would have me killed for what I've done but if I weren't loyal to you, Arvin, to SD-6, I would not have returned. SLOANE: What about Tippin? JACK: He's insignificant. He doesn't know anything. And you can't kill him now, it'll only call attention. I will see to it that he never writes another article again. (Sydney is in custody, chained up and sitting on a cot. Dixon enters. He walks to her and unbuckles the chain, setting her free.) DIXON: Sloane just talked to him. There are times in life when we don't listen to our heart, to what we know to be true. In those moments, we've lost who we are. We've betrayed ourselves. Questioning your loyalty, your virtue, was one of those lost times for me. (She puts her head on his shoulder.) SYDNEY: (vo) Dixon is a good man. (Therapy.) SYDNEY: He still believes, as I once did, that SD-6 is a classified division of the CIA. That's the hardest part about working undercover. DR. BARNETT: Having to lie to the people that you care about? (Sydney walks determinedly into the self-storage building, but this time she's meeting with Weiss.) SYDNEY: Anything from Vaughn? WEISS: Nothing. SYDNEY: What the hell's being done? WEISS: We've got a team in Taipei. SYDNEY: I was in Taipei! Where's this team going? WEISS: They searched the warehouse-- SYDNEY: I searched the damn warehouse! WEISS: We're tracking every lead possible. SYDNEY: Don't do that! Don't give me the company line! WEISS: Sydney, this is the best that we can do! SYDNEY: Vaughn might not be in Taipei! WEISS: I UNDERSTAND THAT! He's my friend, too! Sydney, I promise you, we're looking as hard as we can. I know this is tough for you but you have to focus. We have a job to do. SYDNEY: I know. SD-6 wants to send me on a mission to Cap Ferrat, France. WEISS: Why? What's there? (SD-6 conference room with Sloane, Marshall, Sydney, and Dixon.) SLOANE: La Petite Rose -- the estate of Jean Marc Ravais, a member of the French National Assembly. Since the destruction of Khasinau and Derevko's headquarters in Taipei -- thank you, Sydney -- some members of their organization have been exposed. Ravais is one of those men. We believe he helped finance their operation and is the key to finding Khasinau, your mother, others who have worked with them and bringing them to justice. (Self-storage.) WEISS: "Bringing them to justice." I love that -- Arvin Sloane talking about justice. So what does Sloane want you to do? (Conference room.) SLOANE: Your mission is to gain entrance into Ravais' house and plant a bug in his office. Assuming that you're feeling up to it. SYDNEY: I'll be fine. SLOANE: Marshall. MARSHALL: (stands) Thank you. Ahem. Anyway, okay. What we have here is a phone you might find, you know, it's--talking to (picks it up) "Hello, Mom. Yeah, Mom. No, I will be there. Listen is Aunt Ruthie going to be there?" Ubiquitous object with infinite designs: color, wiring, components. A guy like me, you know, designing a bug for a phone like this, first I have to, you know, find out what type of model the phone is that I'm bugging and then I have to design it so it's invisible. No more bugging the phone. All right? Welcome to the new age in wiretapping. This bug... (whispers) it's in the wire. All right? This universal design works on any phone. Adjust frequency, all you got to know is what country the phone is in. In this case, la France. How you doin'? (Self-storage.) WEISS: Bug's in the wire. That's good. Great. We'll get a CIA tech to make you a delay transmitter. That way we can control what SD-6 gets to hear, meanwhile CIA hears it all. (Sydney nods.) WEISS: Listen, about Vaughn... I'm praying too. (He leaves.) SYDNEY: (vo) So now instead of going back to Taipei, instead of helping in the search for Vaughn... (Therapy.) SYDNEY: ...I'm leaving for France in half an hour. DR. BARNETT: One more thing. You haven't said anything about your mother. SYDNEY: What, am I supposed to say something insightful? The first time I see my mother in twenty years, and she almost kills me. Which would have made me the thirteenth CIA officer she's killed. She's former KGB. She's betrayed my father. She's betrayed me. She's betrayed this country. All anyone needs to know about that woman is that she's a bad guy. DR. BARNETT: I think this was a good beginning. SYDNEY: Like I said, I can handle the problems I've got. (In a lab somewhere, Khasinau makes an incision across a man's forehead. The victim's eyes flicker open and closed. Khasinau is in scrubs. The Tester comes up to him.) THE TESTER: Dr. Khasinau, Mr. Ravais is calling. (Khasinau walks to the nearby phone and picks it up. He speaks French. Two men dressed in scrubs wheel in a gurney and put the patient next to the other bodies on gurneys. It's Vaughn.) (Cap Ferrat, France. Dixon's van is parked.) DIXON: Bluebird, you close? SYDNEY: Almost there! (She parachutes onto the yard and lands with a grunt.) SYDNEY: Damn it! DIXON: You all right? SYDNEY: Just my shoulder. I'm good. (She strips off to show her dress. She walks in.) (Inside the party, people are dancing.) SYDNEY: Okay. We go to stage one. Hors d'oeuvres are tasty. DIXON: Don't forget now, you can always bring me back a few. Can you get upstairs? SYDNEY: I think so. (She runs upstairs. Up there she walks down the hall.) SYDNEY: Second door on the right? DIXON: Yes. Second door on the right. (Sydney enters the Ravais office and takes out the wire from her dress. She hooks it up and picks up the phone. In the CIA surveillance room back in Los Angeles, Weiss walks around.) WEISS: What's that? We got a signal? AGENT: Yeah, we got a signal. (Sydney picks up the phone for a test.) SYDNEY: Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six... (CIA surveillance.) AGENT: Let's let SD-6 hear that... (Dixon listens.) SYDNEY: Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six... DIXON: I got you, Bluebird. Get out of there. (Sydney walks down the stairs and sees The Tester weaving through the party people. She remembers him from the water damaged lab in Taipei. He goes downstairs through a door. She follows. Downstairs in the lab, Vaughn's on the gurney. Khasinau's spreading iodine down his chest all the way down. Sydney creeps down the stairs.) KHASINAU: I'll be finished in twenty minutes. THE TESTER: Yes, sir. (Khasinau takes out a saw and turns it on. The Tester leaves. Sydney hides and turns a corner to get a better look. Khasinau takes the saw and brings it closer to Vaughn's chest. Suddenly, a victim with a huge bruise croaks and pops up in front of Sydney. She gasps. Khasinau stops and shuts the saw off when he hears the noise. Sydney walks in and sees Vaughn. Khasinau comes in behind her and tries to knock her out with something on a cloth over her mouth. She struggles out of his hold and they exchange punches and kicks. Khasinau gives a big upper cut and knocks her to the ground.) KHASINAU: Orci, Yatsko, come quickly! We have an intruder! (Sydney groans and stands up. She turns and sees Vaughn, runs to him.) SYDNEY: Vaughn, you have to get up! We have to get out of here! Come on! (She unbuckles the restraints and slaps his face. He mumbles through the shmooshy-face she's given him.) SYDNEY: Come on! They're going to be back in a second! Okay... (She runs for the nearby cabinet and finds a very big syringe and small bottle.) VAUGHN: Syd? SYDNEY: I'm so sorry. I'm going to shoot you with adrenaline. We have got to run. (She fills up the big syringe.) VAUGHN: Uh... don't do that. (Too late. She pounds the needle down into his bare chest.) VAUGHN: Aghhhhh! Arghhhhh! (He sits up, most of his body is all red and bruised.) VAUGHN: Ow! SYDNEY: Come on, come on, come on! (Holding hands, they run out together. Seconds later, Khasinau and his gun carrying men come in.) (Outside, Sydney and Vaughn run down a grassy hill to hide under a tree for a second. Vaughn got a shirt from somewhere and is buttoning it up.) VAUGHN: Ow. That hurt. (smiles) SYDNEY: I'm sorry. VAUGHN: Don't be. Where are we? SYDNEY: France. VAUGHN: France? Really! France! SYDNEY: There's too much to explain. I have to get back before Dixon comes after me. You can get back to Los Angeles, right? (Vaughn's smiling in kind of a weird way. He's acting strange.) SYDNEY: What? VAUGHN: You saved my life. SYDNEY: (smiles) See you back in LA. (Vaughn smiles. She smiles. We all smile. He wants to kiss her. She smiles. Walks away. Vaughn's smiling and watching her walk away.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Sunny LA. Therapy.) DR. BARNETT: So the operation in France must have gone well. Your spirits seem lifted. SYDNEY: The doctor said Vaughn's going to be all right, so... Okay. I see what you're thinking and the answer is no. There's no line being crossed. He's my handler. Vaughn and I have a professional relationship. That's it. DR. BARNETT: Well, actually, I was thinking about your reporter friend. SYDNEY: Oh. Will isn't doing so well. (Jack and Will meet in a dark building, Jack fusses with a syringe.) SYDNEY: (vo) In Taipei he was tortured but I think in some ways things have gotten even worse for him. JACK: The only way SD-6 will let you live is if you destroy the life you've got. WILL: I understand that, but you can't think of another way than this? JACK: Yes, I can think of a number of other ways. But they all involve your burial. WILL: Is that your idea of a joke? You're morbid, Jack. (Jack taps the syringe.) JACK: You'll be taken to a drug house in South Central. An hour later, there will be a raid. Remember, the most critical thing is that you face the press yourself. If you don't go public with this, you're a dead man. WILL: I'm scared. JACK: I know. You ready? (He injects Will with the needle.) (Cops slam into a drug house, guns raised. A baby cries. A couple of cops throw druggies against the wall, arresting them. On the floor, on a dirty mattress, Will rolls over onto his back looking like a druggie.) (Police station. Will is being escorted out by a police officer. Francie, who is crying, stands up.) FRANCIE: Heroin? WILL: Francie, I'll explain everything later, okay? FRANCIE: I think we should go out the back because there's a bunch of reporters waiting for you. WILL: No. I want to go out the front. (Outside the police station, a group of waiting reporters go nuts.) REPORTER1: There he is, there he is! REPORTER 2: Will, did SD-6 do this to you? REPORTER 3: Is it true you were found with heroin in your blood? REPORTER 4: --Some sort of a statement? REPORTER 5: Are you staying at the "Register"? WILL: My problem with heroin goes back three years. I'm embarrassed for myself and for my family when I tell you that most of what I've written in that time has been complete fiction including my most recent report about an organization that I called SD-6. These were desperate attempts-- (We are in Sloane's office, watching Will on the news. Sloane zaps off the TV.) SLOANE: As hard as that is to watch, your friend is very lucky. It could have ended up much worse. You know how much I care about you, Sydney. I did it for you, I spared Will's life. I didn't want to see you lose someone else to SD-6. SYDNEY: (fake smile) Thank you. SLOANE: And there's something else. Something I want to ask you. It would mean a great deal to me if you would speak at Emily's service. (Will, in Sydney and Francie's bathroom, vomits in the toilet. He pants and sits back. Francie knocks on the door and peeks in.) FRANCIE: You okay? WILL: Fantastic. (He wipes his mouth. The front door opens so Francie leaves and shuts the door to see who's there. Will sits back against the wall. Out in the living room, Sydney walks in.) FRANCIE: He's in the bathroom. (The girls hug.) SYDNEY: How bad? FRANCIE: It's just, uh... bad. Look, I have to meet with my realtor. I'll be back in an hour, can you watch him? SYDNEY: Yeah. Francie... he's going to be okay. WILL: (vo) I was just sitting there, putting my stuff from my desk into this cardboard box... (Cut to later, Will is dressed now and sitting on the sofa next to Sydney.) WILL: ...And I look up and everybody from the office is just staring at me. So I left my office this afternoon for, like, the last time. I got a lot of, like, "Take care, man." I got a lot of that. SYDNEY: I'm so sorry, Will. WILL: Hey, I'm sitting here. I'm on a couch. I'm alive. (sighs) Is anybody listening to us right now? SYDNEY: No. That lamp has a bug killer in it. So we're safe here. (Will looks slightly freaked. She puts her hand on the back of his head and turns him to her.) SYDNEY: Hey... how's your mouth? WILL: I think it'll be fine. Of course I lose my health insurance the same day I need a root canal. (They both chuckle.) WILL: (in pain) Ohh... oww... (Sydney's phone rings. She touches the back of his head again and looks at her phone.) WILL: Who is it? Just say good guys or bad guys. I'll understand. SYDNEY: Good guys. (smiles) (Flashback to the finale. Vaughn swims underwater.) VAUGHN: (vo) When I was a kid, I was a swimmer. I could swim the hundred meter in sixty-eight seconds. (He takes off that long jacket he was wearing that Sydney found.) VAUGHN: (vo) I can't tell you how irrelevant that was the night we were in Taipei. There have been some pretty incredible inventions over the last two thousand years. But none more incredible than the screwdriver. None. (Vaughn unscrews the panel on the ceiling of the hallway and pokes his head up out from the surface and gasps. Later, he jumps down into the basement, soaked with water.) VAUGHN: (vo) I thought I was home free. (He turns a corner and backs out, his arms raised. A guard stands before him with a gun.) VAUGHN: (vo) But they knocked me out. Next thing I knew, I was in France. (Self-storage. He's been telling this to Sydney.) SYDNEY: When I saw you behind that window, I swear to God I thought you were dead. (Jack and Weiss enter.) JACK: We just intercepted a call from one of Khasinau's operatives. They made reference to something called "The Bible." SYDNEY: What is it? JACK: A book. An operations manual for their whole cartel: contacts, weapons and tech inventory, objectives. It's information Khasinau and your mother need to rebuild their operation. If we retrieve this book we can prevent that. VAUGHN: Any idea where The Bible is? JACK: It was Taipei. Apparently when the lab was being destroyed this operative who called Khasinau grabbed the book, kept it safe. He's planning on handing it to Khasinau tomorrow afternoon at the port of Barcelona, pier 347. SYDNEY: Does SD-6 know about this? WEISS: That's what's so genius. That delay transmitter you planted lets us control the signal SD-6 receives. We didn't let them hear the call. JACK: You're going to Spain to intercept the book. You leave in thirty minutes. (At the port of Barcelona, Weiss, Vaughn, Sydney and CIA Agent are stationed at various spots on the dock with binoculars and speak to each other via transmitters.) SYDNEY: Anything? VAUGHN: Not yet. So, hey, you know there's some really good restaurants in Barcelona. SYDNEY: Yeah, I know. VAUGHN: You know what I was thinking? SYDNEY: I think I do. VAUGHN: If we could actually be seen in public together we'd get The Bible and get a bite. WEISS: Yeah, can the whole team come? 'Cause I'm starving. (Khasinau drives up, alone, in his car.) SYDNEY: Okay, we've got Khasinau. (A Humvee pulls up.) CIA AGENT: Everyone hold post! Get ready to move! (Someone loads a gun and points it across the way. It's Irina, hiding out. She squints and looks at the target.) CIA AGENT: The courier's got the briefcase. It's got to be The Bible. (The courier gets out and walks to Khasinau's car. He shows the briefcase. Khasinau rolls down the window to take it.) CIA AGENT: We move in three! Everybody into position! (Sydney cocks her gun. Khasinau takes the briefcase. Sydney runs down the stairs from her hideout, ready to go. Vaughn runs down the stairs getting ready.) CIA AGENT: One... two... (Everyone points their guns.) VARIOUS AGENTS: Out of the car, now! Out of the car! Drop the case! Get down on the ground! Drop the case! Out of the car! Let me see your hands! Cover him! Right now, right now! (Suddenly, shots are fired and the windows in Khasinau's car explode in gunfire. Everyone takes cover. Khasinau gets out of his car and runs with the briefcase. Sydney runs after him.) CIA AGENT: Who the hell is firing?! VAUGHN: Weiss, I'm going after the shooter, cover me! (All he can see are Weiss' legs sticking out from the side of the car.) CIA AGENT: Bravo team, you take the dry dock to the east! Charlie team take it to the west! VAUGHN: Weiss! (He runs over to the car to see that Weiss is shot in the neck and bleeding profusely. He's choking on his own blood.) VAUGHN: It's okay, it's okay. Just relax. (Weiss shakes and chokes.) (Sydney runs through the dock, Khasinau ahead of her. A CIA agent climbs the steps to go to the roof of the building to find the shooter. Only there is no shooter. Irina made an apparatus to keep the gun always firing so she could run. There's a rope duct taped to a banister that adjusts the tension. A screwdriver is taped to the trigger and fires whenever the rope is tightened.) (Khasinau enters the dock building and runs.) SYDNEY: Freeze! (He stops. Sydney points her gun at him.) SYDNEY: Drop the suitcase. (He obeys.) SYDNEY: Hands behind your head. On your knees. (He laughs and gets down. But he's not going without a fight. Quickly he sweeps Sydney's legs out from underneath her and her gun goes flying. Khasinau gets on top of her and starts choking her. Sydney kicks his leg and spins him to the ground. They both get up. He tries punching her but she moves. She runs and kicks him. She roundhouse kicks him. She gets her gun and points it at him until someone walks in.) IRINA: Drop it. (Syd stops and turns to face her mom, with Khasinau behind Sydney. Irina has her gun pointed at Sydney yet again. Sydney drops her gun. Khasinau gets up. Sydney stares at her mother. Irina shoots her gun, Sydney jumps, and Khasinau stares at his chest where a bullet has entered. Irina smirks at Sydney. Khasinau falls back to the ground, dead.) IRINA: Hands behind your head. Get on your knees. Head to the ground. (Sydney does all this. Irina kicks her gun away and picks up the briefcase.) IRINA: Truth takes time. (Sydney gets up. Her mother's gone.) (Dr. Barnett's office. Sydney peeks in and knocks.) SYDNEY: Do you have a minute? DR. BARNETT: You all right? SYDNEY: Have you heard? DR. BARNETT: What? Sit down. (Sydney sits down and dabs her nose with a Kleenex.) SYDNEY: I had Emily's funeral this morning. Sloane's wife. (Before the funeral, Sydney puts make-up on while Will sits on her bed.) WILL: You're eulogizing the b*st*rd's wife? SYDNEY: Yes. WILL: The devil's wife? The wife of the guy who had Danny killed? The guy who wanted to kill me? SYDNEY: Despite being married to a truly horrible man, Emily was a good person and if the people who cared about her don't speak at her funeral because of him, there's no justice in that. It just makes him stronger. You can't see this bruise, right? (Will takes the cover up and starts putting some on her cheek.) WILL: So this is what your life is? Lying to people all the time? I've only been doing it for a few days and it's killing me. SYDNEY: When you found out about me, I was just terrified because I saw what happened when Danny learned the truth but I was also selfishly so relieved because it meant that you knew and I didn't have to think every time we spoke. I could just be me. FRANCIE: (off camera) Hello? SYDNEY: Back here! WILL: (whispers) No bruises. (They exchange a smile.) FRANCIE: Hey! WILL: Hey. FRANCIE: I got space. I'm opening a restaurant! WILL: That's great! SYDNEY: Congratulations! FRANCIE: Thank you! (Funeral. Sydney, Jack, Sloane and others have gathered.) SYDNEY: I met Emily shortly after I started working at Credit Dauphine. Like many young women, I was intimidated... by the world. I was sort of desperate for a little guidance. As he had been for most of my life, my father was busy working. I had lost my mother when I was six so I didn't have anyone to go to. No role model. Arvin invited me for dinner one night. I remember after dinner was over, Emily walked me out to the car. I didn'tknow her at all and she said in this simple, reassuring voice... "You're going to be okay." Thinking of Emily, I often wondered about my own mother and what she would have been like, had she lived. (A figure walks down a hallway. Coming closer.) SYDNEY: (vo) Would she have been as strong as Emily? As kind, as good? I always told myself that she would have had those qualities even though I couldn't see them, I simply believed them. (The figure is coming closer, coming into focus.) SYDNEY: (vo) But Emily wasn'tjust the mother I never had. She was the mother all of us wish we had. (It's Irina. She says something to a secretary. The secretary looks shocked and plops back down in her seat.) (At the funeral, Sloane hugs Sydney. She sees Jack on his cell, standing alone. He hangs up.) SYDNEY: Dad? JACK: Devlin just called. CIA had a walk-in. She just... surrendered. She said... she wants to cooperate. SYDNEY: Who? JACK: Your mother. (In therapy, Sydney cries and tucks a strand of hair behind her right ear.) SYDNEY: I'm not sure this is a problem I know how to handle. (Irina, at the secretary's desk, tucks a strand of hair behind her right ear, the same way Sydney did.)

Plan: A: her mother; Q: Who does Sydney find herself face-to-face with? A: Vaughn; Q: Who is Sydney searching for? A: Taipei; Q: Where was Sydney when she was swept away by a wall of water? A: Will's life; Q: What is forever changed when he learns the truth about SD-6? A: a double agent; Q: What is Sydney's life as a spy? A: Marcus Dixon; Q: Who must decide whether or not to inform Sloane of Sydney's suspicious activities? Summary: Sydney finds herself face-to-face with her mother, whose intentions for her daughter are made chillingly clear. Meanwhile, Sydney continues her search for Vaughn, not knowing if he is dead or alive after being swept away by a wall of water in Taipei. Will's life is forever changed when he learns the truth about SD-6 and Sydney's life as a double agent. Marcus Dixon must decide whether or not to inform Sloane of Sydney's suspicious activities.

Act One Scene One - KACL, Frasier's show. Audrey has called in. Audrey: [v.o.] So, Dr Crane, I don't see why I should fix the dumb dress when my sister can't even fit into it anymore. Frasier: Audrey, you borrowed the dress, you tore it. As an old Greek haberdasher once said: "Euripedes, Eumenides." [laughs] Audrey: What? Frasier: It's just a little joke on the ancient dramatist Euripedes and the mythological Furies. Audrey: Huh? Frasier: Just fix the dress. [line off] We'll be back after the weather. He goes off the air. Roz comes in, Frasier fishes out a gift box. Frasier: Uh Roz, Noel gave me this to give to you. Roz: [taking gift] Oh God, Noel. He's been acting so weird lately. Frasier: Lately? May I remind you this is the man required by law to stay at least 100 yards away from William Shatner? Roz: No, I bumped into him at Nervosa about a month ago, there were no other free tables so we sat together and ever since then he's been acting like we're some kind of a couple. Frasier: Oh come on, Roz. I'm sure he knows that you're not interested in him. Roz: [showing Frasier the gift tag] "Happy Monthaversary." Frasier: Oh, Lord. [Roz goes back to her booth] We're on. [on air] And we're back, let's get straight to the phones. I'm listening. Woody: [v.o.] Dr Crane? It's Woody. I'm in Seattle and I'm a little lost. Frasier: Well Woody, in today's fast-paced, high-pressure society that's not uncommon. Just why exactly do you feel lost? Woody: Well, I've been driving around for about an hour, I can't seem to get out of the airport. Frasier: [the penny drops] Oh, Woody Woody. Oh well, listeners, this is an old friend of mine from back in Boston. Well, how you doin' there, you old cowpoke? Woody: I was doing okay, but all this talk about today's fast-paced, high-pressure world's starting to get me down. Frasier: Yes, well I have just the cure for that. How about dinner? Woody: Sounds great. I'm in town all week. Frasier: And I'm free all week. How's tonight? Woody: That'd be great. So I hear you're on the radio? Frasier: Yes I am, Woody. And so are you. Woody: No, no, no. I'm still tending bar at Cheers. How do these rumors get started? Frasier: Believe it or not, listeners, Woody and I are picking up right where we left off. While Frasier gets on with the show, Noel Shempsky comes into Roz's booth. Noel: Knock knock? Roz: Noel... Noel: Oh, I haven't seen that outfit before, set your phasers on stunning. Roz: Listen, I need to talk to you. I can not accept anniversary gifts. Noel: Oh, I know that. I was just making a little joke. I know we're just friends. I saw this and it made me think of you. Roz: Okay. Thanks. Noel: [as he leaves] Oh, if you're not going to open it for a while, you might want to move the the ribbon. It's blocking the air holes. Roz very quickly puts the box down. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is at the table looking at Eddie, who is sitting on The Chair with his head resting on the side table. Daphne enters from the kitchen. Daphne: Here. I made you some lamb stew. Martin: I'm telling you, there's something weird about Eddie. Daphne: Oh, for the love of God, not this again. Martin: You never should have taken him to those dog groomers. Daphne: I had to bring him. His toenails were like Howard Hughes's and his breath smelled like an autopsy. Martin: Well, look at him. They did something to him. The sparkle's gone from his eyes. Daphne: Yes, and so are those gooey green bits. Frasier enters from the bedroom as the front door bing-bongs. He's dressed in sweatshirt and jeans. Frasier: Oh. That's probably Woody. I'll get it. [opens door] Oh, Niles. Niles: [entering] Hello, Frasier. I know this is impromptu, but I'm going to an oboe recital and I thought you might want to join me. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Niles. An old friend of mine came in from out of town, I invited him to come over this evening. Niles: Well, have him join us. I'm sure we can get three seats together. Frasier: Ah well, I'm not sure an oboe recital's what I had in mind, I was thinking of something a little more raucous. Niles: Well, if it's raucous you're looking for, we could go and get a nightcap at the piano bar at the Mayflower Hotel - It's Jerome Kern night! Last time people were shouting out requests without raising their hands! Frasier: No, I'm afraid we'll have to pass. You see, my friend Woody is an old bar chum from back at Cheers. [the doorbell bing bongs. Frasier goes to answer it] What I had in mind was really more of a beer-swillin', back-slappin' kind of night, if you know what I mean? You're certainly welcome to join us if you like. Niles: It sounds interesting. Frasier: All right. [opens door to - ] Woody? Woody: Hey, Dr Crane! [they hug] Frasier: Good to see ya. Woody: You look great. Frasier: Well thank you, thanks. You too. Woody: Aah, this place is awesome. Frasier: Thank you. Woody: [indicating Daphne, Martin and Niles] I'm not surprised you need all these roommates to help you pay for it. Frasier: Er, they're not really roommates, Woody. They're... they're more like boarders actually. That's my father, Martin. Woody: Well, hi. I remember hearing about you, you were a policeman, right? Martin: That's right. Frasier: And that's my brother right there, Niles. He's a psychiatrist too. Niles: Hello. Woody: Oh, wow! Frasier: And this is Daphne Moon, my father's home health-care worker. Daphne: It's nice to meet you. Woody: Oh hi. I like your accent. Aah, you're from England, right? Daphne: Manchester. Woody: Darn! I'm usually pretty good at that. [Eddie bounces in] Oh hey, who's this little guy? Martin: I'm not sure I even know anymore. Woody: [to Frasier, confidentially] My dad's getting the same way. Frasier: So Woody, can I get you a beer? Woody: That's funny, huh? Y'know, all those years I was waiting on you, and now you're getting me a beer. Frasier: Yes well, life's like that sometimes, isn't it? Daphne, get us a couple of beers, will ya? [Daphne goes to kitchen, not happily] So, what brings you to Seattle? Woody: My cousin's getting married. Frasier: Really? Niles: Which is your cousin, the bride or the groom? Woody: Actually, both are. Niles: I assume they're kissing cousins? Woody: Ho, they're doing a lot more than that! That's why they have to get married. Frasier: So, is Kelly with you? Woody: No no, she's visiting her mom with the kids, but she sends her love. Frasier: And how's the old gang? Woody: Oh well, they haven't changed much. Sam's doing great, Carla's terrific... oh, y'know, we almost had a wedding. Mr. Clavin got himself one of those Eastern European mail-order brides, but ah, they lived together for a couple of days, and decided to call it off. Frasier: Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry for Cliff. Woody: Yeah. She said she was homesick. That Bosnia must be a beautiful place. [N.B. Woody Harrelson appeared in the film, "Welcome to Sarajevo."] Daphne comes back with a tray of beers. Daphne: Here we are. Frasier: Oh thank you, Daphne. Daphne: That's one for you, one for you, and [opens can and heads towards Martin. Sits down] one for me. Frasier: Well Woody, I thought tonight we would just maybe stay in, y'know, order some pizza? Woody: Sounds good by me. Frasier: Okay, great. I'll just call the place around the corner. Niles you uh, gonna join us? Niles: Well, why not? It'll be fun to drink some beer and have some pizza with a couple of rapscallions. Woody: Oh hey, if you don't mind, could we make that half rapscallions, half pepperoni? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment, later that night. Frasier and Woody are reminiscing, moderately drunk, and can barely speak for laughing. Woody: That wasn't the best prank we played. You remember that time with Mr. Clavin? Frasier: Oh yes. And the ferret! [more laughter; Daphne and Martin look on, obviously not understanding.] Woody: [explaining] He was about to go on his round and we shoved an angry ferret into his mailbag. Niles: Oh, my. Exactly, ahh, how do you make a ferret angry? Woody: Well, for starters, you shove him into a mailbag. Frasier: God, that was funny. Do you remember the expression on his face? Woody: Y'know, I never saw his face. I was too busy looking at Mr. Clavin. Frasier: Woody, let me get you another cold one. Woody: Oh, thanks. Frasier: My god. I tell ya, this has just been the best evening. My God, it's like re-living all my old days at Cheers, only without Lilith. Boy, that's a trip to Bountiful, let me tell ya. [goes into kitchen] Martin: [quietly, to Daphne] These guys are really getting through the beers, aren't they? Daphne: Oh, yes. If this keeps up, you may have to fish out that emergency can you keep in the toilet tank. Frasier comes back with more cans. Frasier: There you are, Woods. Woody: Well, y'know what, on second thought I think I'm gonna pass. I'm feeling a little bit jet-lagged. Frasier: Well, all right, you want to call it a night? Woody: You know, I probably should. But this was so much fun. I'd really like to do it again. Frasier: Well, all right, how about lunch tomorrow? Woody: Oh yeah, that sounds great. Frasier: Okay. Woody: Hey, goodbye y'all, nice to meet you. Martin: Oh hey, you too. Come back. Frasier: You know what, Woody? There's a new gourmet Mexican restaurant over near your hotel I'd love to try. It's called "Dos Burros." It sounds muy delicioso. Woody: I didn't know you speak Spanish? Frasier: Ohh, it's nothing. Woody: I know ahh, "dos" means two, what does "burro" mean? Frasier: Same as in English, Jackass. Woody: [leaves] Sorry, just asking. [SCENE_BREAK] THE LONG GOODBYE Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment, next day. He and Woody are back from lunch. Martin: Hey guys, how was lunch? Woody: Oh, great. We told one old story, we told a hundred. [to Eddie] Hey, how you doin', little guy? Martin: His name's Eddie. Woody: Hey, good for you, Mr Crane. [to Frasier, confidentially] They have good days, and they have bad days. Frasier: Woody, here's that Seattle guidebook I was telling you about, right here. Woody: Oh, thanks. Frasier: Take a loan of that, huh? Woody: [looking at picture in book] Wow, look at that view, you can see the whole city. Frasier: Woody, turn around, it's even better. Woody turns to face the window, but is still looking at the book. Woody: Gosh. You're right, this is better. Frasier: No, no Woody, look up. Woody: [finally seeing the panorama outside the window] OHH. [indicating balcony] You mind if I go out there? Frasier: No, no. You go ahead. Woody: Remember the time we went out on the balcony of Melville's and threw pudding? Frasier: [laughing] I don't think I laughed harder in my entire life! Woody goes onto the balcony. Frasier goes into the kitchen. The laughter stops. Frasier: Put a bullet in my head. Martin: What's going on? Frasier: My God. I have absolutely nothing in common with this man, except things that happened ten years ago. Martin: But I thought you had a fun time last night. Frasier: Oh well, yes. We had exactly the same time this afternoon, it wasn't nearly as fun. The same stories, and variations thereof, being forced to laugh over and over. I swear, if I never get another shoulder noogie I will die a happy man. Martin: Oh, don't feel bad. You've been a good friend and you've shown him a nice time, and now all that's left is for you to go in there and tell him goodbye. Frasier: Yes, I guess when all this is over I'll have learned a valuable lesson. Sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. You have to know when to say "When." The past is just that, the past. You can never go home again. Less is more. Martin: Wish you had started with that last one. Frasier: [goes into lounge area, where Woody is sitting] Well, Woods? It's been great seeing you. Woody: Oh yeah, hey. Frasier: C'mon, gimme a good hug, ah? [they hug] Now you gotta promise me you're gonna give my love to everybody back at the bar. Woody: Oh, I will. Frasier: Oh, and give that beautiful wife of yours and those two kids a kiss from Uncle Frasier. Woody: You got it. Frasier: Now don't be a stranger, okay? Woody: No, I won't, I won't. [they hug again] So, [sitting down] where are we going for dinner tonight? End of Act One. Act Two. Scene Five - Café Nervosa. Frasier enters and meets Niles. Frasier: Niles. Niles: Frasier. Odd to see you without Woody in tow. He off teasing ferrets? Frasier: Niles, listen, uh, I've been having such a great time with Woody, I was wondering, y'know, maybe tonight you'd like to join us? We've planned to go out... Niles: [interrupting] You can save it. Dad brought me up to speed with your reunion of the damned. Frasier: Oh, God. Niles: I would love to help, I'm sorry, you're on your own. Frasier: No, no, no, please, Niles, really, I'm desperate. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to feign interest in the same old stories over and over again? Niles: And you call yourself a psychiatrist? You wouldn't last a week in private practice. Frasier: Ooh. Niles: Speaking of which, my six o'clock is waiting. Waiter: [handing Niles a coffee carton] Triple espresso to go. Niles: Thank you. [leaves] Frasier: Niles? Please? Please, I need you. It's going to be an excruciating journey into... Ohh... [notices Roz is standing beside him] Roz! Hey, you know what, are you up for a night on the town? Roz: This wouldn't be the invitation that Niles just blew off, would it? Frasier: Oh, all right! Here, please. [they sit] My old friend Woody is dragging me out again tonight. I could really use a buffer. He's taking me to some God-awful karaoke bar. Roz: Are you gonna sing? Frasier: No! Roz: Okay, I'll go. Frasier: Really, you will? Roz: I had a babysitter tonight, my plans fell through, karaoke might be fun. Gil Chesterton walks into the cafe, just in time to hear the word- Gil: Karaoke? Tonight? Oh, I'd love to. Frasier: Well Gil, I'm not sure you'd enjoy this. Gil: Oh nonsense. If we're going to the one on Pike, I keep a locker there where I store my own microphone and show jackets. [N.B. Notice Edward Hibbert's tan; he has just returned from shooting the pilot for the short-lived remake of "Fantasy Island."] Noel enters. Noel: Hey, guys. Hi, Roz. Frasier: Hi, Noel. Noel: [to Roz] I see you're at... our table. Gil: "Our table"? Ooh, is there an office romance brewing? Roz: No, Gil. We're just friends, right Noel? Noel: [fingers crossed] So far. Gil: [to Noel] Well, who knows what the night has in store? We're all going for karaoke. Why don't you join us? Noel: Count me in. Roz: [panicking] Is that my beeper? Frasier: [knowing she's about to bail on him] I didn't hear anything. Roz: Oh my God! Frasier: Roz! Roz: It's the babysitter, she only calls in an emergency. I have to go, bye! [she exits, quickly] TAXI!! Frasier: Roz, wait! Noel: Roz, wait! Gil: Well, looks as it's just us boys. Frasier tries to smile through the tears. [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 3012.4 MR. SPOCK INFORMS ME THERE IS NO KLINGON WORD FOR "FEEL" Scene Six - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne, Martin and Niles have just finished watching a movie. Music is playing over the credits. Daphne: Oh, that was beautiful. Martin: Yeah. You know Niles, that was the first movie I ever took your mother to see. I deliberately picked a tear jerker so I'd be there to comfort her. At the first sniffle, I was on her like an octopus. Daphne: You men. You always find a way to make us more vulnerable to your clumsy advances. Ooh, that wine went straight to my head. Niles: [refilling her glass] Let's kill off the bottle, shall we? [he keeps on pouring until it's full to the brim] Frasier enters, or rather, stumbles in. Martin: Hey, Fras. Frasier: Turn off the music. Martin: Oh. Well, we were just... Frasier: Dad. I never want to hear music again. Martin turns the TV off. Niles: Oh. I take it you had a whizz-bang time at the karaoke bar? Frasier: For starters, Woody sang "What Kind Of Fool Am I?" Quickly turned into an audience participation number. Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet with "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better." They were both wrong. I guess the highlight of the evening was when Gil, after one too many Que Royales, performed a haunting rendition of "I Feel Pretty," during the latter verses of which Noel joined him on the apron of the stage and translated... into Klingon. [he buries his head in his hands] Well, I think I'm just gonna go off to bed so I can get up bright and early for my harbour cruise with Woody tomorrow. Martin: What?! You're seeing him again? Why don't you tell the guy you're busy for once? Frasier: Dad, he knows that I'm not. Besides, I'd hate to hurt his feelings, I'd hate to have him think I've outgrown him. Niles: But you have. Frasier: Well, that's the problem. I've moved on to bigger and better things in my life, he's still pouring drinks back in the same bar he's been at for the last fifteen years. Don't you think that's kinda sad? Martin: If I were you I'd just lie to him. Tell him you have to work, or you met a pretty girl. Daphne, having almost worked her way through her full glass of wine, suddenly bursts into song. Daphne: Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there? What mirror, where? Who could that attractive girl be? Which, what, where, who? Who? Martin: Daphne? Daphne: Who? Martin: Daphne? Daphne: Wh.. Frasier: DAPHNE!!! Martin: Bedtime. Daphne: I used to be with a light opera works. Frasier: Yes, fine, and I used to be a fan dancer! Get out. Go to bed! Daphne leaves. [N.B. Daphne's song is from "West Side Story."] Niles: She uh, seems a little wobbly, [moves to follow her] perhaps I should... Frasier: Niles. The doorbell bing-bongs. Niles looks through the peephole. Niles: Ooh, surprise, guess who? Frasier: Dear God! I just left him. What moonlit berry-picking expedition does he have planned for me now? Niles: [worried that Woody might hear him] Shhh. Frasier: I can't take this anymore. All right, all right fine. I'm just going to have to lie to him. [opens door] Woody! Woody: Hey, Dr Crane. Hey, everybody. Listen, I... when I got back to my hotel I called Kelly to say goodnight, and uh... it turns out our little girl has an ear infection, so I'm taking the Redeye right now and my cab is waiting for me downstairs. Frasier: [concerned] Oh well, Woody. I guess this means goodbye, then. Woody: Yeah, I'm afraid so. Frasier: All right then, give me a hug. You remember to give my love to the folks back at Cheers. Woody: Oh, will do. Frasier: Okay. I hope that little girl of yours gets better real soon. Woody: Thank you. It was great spending time with you. Frasier: Well, it was great seeing you too, Woody. Woody: Yeah. Frasier: It's a shame we have to cut it short. Woody: It sure is. Well, goodbye. [leaves as the others say farewell] Frasier: Goodbye, Wood. [closes door] God bless the virus that invaded that little girl's ear canal. Niles: Congratulations. I'll be off. Frasier: Oh no. Niles, I'll tell you what, to celebrate my newfound freedom, why don't we go over to that little cantina I mentioned to you earlier, and I'll buy you a late supper? We'll have a margarita. Niles: Thank you, Frasier. Frasier: And after that, we'll go by that pricey new cigar club, it's my treat. Niles: Well hey, big spender. Frasier: [cringing] Ohh... Niles: Is everything all right? Frasier: The last time I heard that phrase, Gil was belting it out while sitting on the lap of a Japanese businessman. Let's get that margarita. [they leave] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Seven - Dos Burros, a Mexican restaurant. Frasier and Niles have just been seated. The waiter gives them their menus. Niles: Thank you. Frasier: I think you'll like this place. Niles: Well, I do already. N.M.B. Frasier: N.M.B? Niles: No Mariachi Band. Frasier: [seeing a certain someone seated at the bar] Oh dear God. Quick, hide your face with your menu. Woody's over there. If he sees us he'll know I lied. Niles: When did you lie? Frasier: I told him I was going out of town. Niles: No, you didn't. He told you he was going out of town. Frasier: That's right. He lied. He should be hiding. [calls] Woody? Woody? Woody picks up a menu to hide behind, and furtively walks into the restroom. Frasier: For God's sake. Stay here. [he goes over to the restroom door only to find it locked] Woody. Come out of there, please. Woody: [from behind the door] No hablo ingles. Frasier: I don't understand this. Woody: It means I don't speak English. Frasier: Will you just come out here? [Woody comes out] Woody? What is going on? Woody: I can't even look at you. I'm so ashamed. I... I lied to you, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Why did you do that? Woody: Well, I guess I didn't want you to know it was me in the bathroom. Frasier: No, Woody. Earlier this evening you told me you were going back to Boston. Woody: Oh, well. I feel terrible saying this but, I just couldn't face another day of us hanging out together. Frasier: What, you weren't enjoying our time together? Woody: No, I... I had a great time that first night, but after that, I don't know, you were still having a good time, but ahhh, it was less and less fun for me. Frasier: [laughing] This is too funny. Woody: See, you're still having a good time and I'm miserable. Frasier: Why didn't you say something? Woody: Well, I don't know, I didn't want to hurt your feelings. To tell you the truth, I felt kinda bad for ya. Frasier: You felt bad for me? Woody: Well no offense, but look at your life. You live with your dad, you hang out with your brother, you have no plans. And let's face it, those karaoke friends of yours, I wouldn't want to be stranded on a desert island with them. Well, maybe that English guy, he's a good entertainer. Frasier: Really Woody, there's nothing to worry about. I know my life may seem rather dreary to you but ah, it's really quite enjoyable. In fact, it's even a lot of fun. I love my life now, honestly. You know what, I wouldn't trade my years at Cheers for anything, but I am very happy with my life the way it is today. Woody: [incredulous] You mean it? Frasier: Yes. That's what makes this conversation so ironic. You see, you see my life as some sort of middle-aged compromise and, well just the other day I was thinking about your life. And all I could think was... Woody: What? Frasier pauses, knowing that telling Woody exactly what he thinks won't help anyone. He then realizes another truth. Frasier: How lucky you are. You see, you've found where you belong and you've made your home there. I guess for some of us it just takes longer than others. Woody: [relaxing] I just stopped in for a beer... Frasier: Well, you know what, Niles will be on the phone for a couple of more minutes, why don't we have one last drink together, huh? Woody: That'd be nice. Frasier: Okay. Barkeep, a couple of beers here, please? Woody: You know, I meant what I said. I had a great time hanging out with you. That first night. Frasier: Yeah. Woody: Maybe we could do it again, in five or ten years. Frasier: Absolutely. Ten years it is. Woody clinks his mug against Frasier's. Woody: Cheers. Frasier: Cheers. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Gil and Noel are on stage, going through their "Anything You Can Do" routine.

Plan: A: a phonecall; Q: What does Frasier receive during his show? A: KACL; Q: What is the name of the radio station Frasier works at? A: Woody Harrelson; Q: Who played Woody Boyd on Cheers? A: the week; Q: How long is Woody in Seattle for? A: spending time; Q: What does Frasier no longer enjoy doing with Woody? A: a few old stories; Q: What do Frasier and Woody have in common? A: a bartender; Q: What is Woody's job? A: a famous psychiatrist; Q: What is Frasier's profession? A: his friend's feelings; Q: What does Frasier not want to hurt? A: Niles; Q: Who does Frasier go out to eat with after Woody leaves? A: the cantina; Q: Where does Frasier go for a late supper? A: a menu; Q: What is Woody hiding behind at the bar? A: his father; Q: Who does Woody live with? A: his brother; Q: Who does Woody go out with? A: a good life; Q: What does Frasier realize Woody has? A: a last beer; Q: What do Frasier and Woody agree to share? A: five or ten years; Q: In how many years do Woody and Frasier agree to reconnect? Summary: Frasier receives a phonecall during his show at KACL from Woody Boyd (Woody Harrelson), an old friend from Cheers, who has just arrived in Seattle for the week. They catch up, but Frasier soon finds that he is no longer enjoying spending time with Woody, since they have nothing in common except a few old stories. He also feels bad for him as Woody is still a bartender while he is a famous psychiatrist. However, he cannot bring himself to hurt his friend's feelings. When Woody leaves town early, Frasier bids him farewell, then goes out with Niles for a late supper to celebrate. Once at the cantina, he spots Woody hiding behind a menu at the bar. Woody explains that he feels sorry for Frasier, as he still lives with his father and goes out with his brother. Frasier realizes that Woody does have a good life that keeps him happy, and tells him how lucky he is. They agree to share a last beer and promise to reconnect in five or ten years.

INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR The camera is focused on television screens, all broadcasting news channels. A reporter's voice over the sound of the TARDIS materialising. REPORTER: Solar flare activity has increased across space links 556 and all commercial flights are advised to... The sound of the TARDIS engines drowns her voice out. The camera swings slowly around to reveal the TARDIS appearing. When it stops whirring, the Doctor and Rose step out. THE DOCTOR: So, it's 200 000, it's a spaceship... no wait a minute, space station, and uh... go and try that gate over there. Off you go! He leans against the TARDIS, waiting. ROSE: 200 000? THE DOCTOR: 200 000. ROSE: 'Kay. The Doctor grins and raises his eyebrows. Rose giggles as she opens the TARDIS door and calls inside. ROSE (CONT'D): Adam? Out you come. Adam steps out with his mouth hanging open. ADAM (awestruck): Oh my God. ROSE: Don't worry, you'll get used to it. ADAM: Where are we? ROSE (knowledgably) : Good question. Let's see. So, um... judging by the architecture, I'd say we're around the year 200 000. Adam nods and mumbles, still boggling. ROSE (CONT'D): If you listen... engines. The Doctor watches her, smiling. ROSE (CONT'D): We're on some sort of space station. Yeah. Definitely a space station. It's a bit warm in here, they could turn the heating down... Tell you what, let's try that gate. Come on! Rose opens the gate, and the Doctor and Adam follow her into the room beyond. INT. OBSERVATION DECK They are in a room overlooking the Earth. ROSE (CONT'D): Here we go! And this is... She pauses as she looks down upon the Earth. Adam has to hold on to the railings for support as he makes his way to her side. ROSE (CONT'D) (a little awestruck herself): ...I'll let the Doctor describe it. THE DOCTOR: The fourth great and bountiful human empire. And there it is. Planet Earth at it's height. Covered with mega-cities, five moons - population 96 billion. The hub of a galactic domain, stretching across a million planets, a million species - with mankind right in the middle. Adam faints with a girlish sigh. Neither the Doctor or Rose bother to even turn around. THE DOCTOR: He's your boyfriend. ROSE: Not anymore. EXT. SATELLITE FIVE Zoom out to reveal the entire space station, with one of the Earth's moons in the background. OPENING CREDITS EXT. SATELLITE FIVE A shot of the space station in orbit around the Earth, with the sun shining upon it. THE DOCTOR (voice-over): Come on, Adam. Open your mind. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR The Doctor is walking with his arms around Adam's and Rose's shoulders. THE DOCTOR: You're gonna like this fantastic period of history. The human race at its most intelligent - culture, art, politics. This era has got fine food, good manners... MAN (rudely): Out of the way! Floor 139 suddenly springs into life around them. Food stools are set up all around them and people bustle past the trio to queue up. There is much chatter. CHEF: One at a time... The stall keepers take orders, and the place becomes rather busy. The Doctor looks bemused. CHEF (CONT'D) (to a man with spiky hair): Oi! You, mate! Stop pushing. Get back. I SAID, back. Rose examines the fast food behind the cases and turns to the Doctor. ROSE: Fine cuisine? THE DOCTOR (wrong-footed): My watch must be wrong. (Checks it). No, it's fine... weird. ROSE: That's what comes of showing off. Your history's not as good as you thought it was. THE DOCTOR: My history's perfect. ROSE (teasingly): Well, obviously not... ADAM: They're all human. What about the millions of planets? The millions of species? Where are they? THE DOCTOR: Good question. Actually, that IS a good question. (Jovially puts an arm around Adam's shoulder). Adam, me' old mate, you must be starving. ADAM: No, I'm just a bit time sick. THE DOCTOR: Nah, you just need a bit of grub. (To Chef): Oi, mate, how much is a cronk burger? CHEF: Two credits twenty, sweetheart. Now, join the queue. THE DOCTOR: Money. We need money. (Goes to a cash point, sonic screwdriver ready). Have to use a cash point. Rose and Adam follow him. The Doctor holds his sonic screwdriver to the cash point and what must be some futuristic version of a credit card falls out. It looks like a metal strip. The Doctor hands it to Adam. THE DOCTOR: There you go - pocket money. Don't spend it all on sweets. Walks away. ADAM (examining it bemusedly): How does it work? THE DOCTOR (turning back): Go and find out! Stop nagging me! The thing is, Adam, time travel's like visiting Paris. You can't just read the guide book, you've got to throw yourself in. Eat the food, use the wrong verbs, get charged double and end up kissing complete strangers. Rose laughs. Adam just stares at him, brow furrowed. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): ...or is that just me? Stop asking questions, go on, do it! He shoos him away. Adam turns and walks into the crowd. Rose makes to follow him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (to Rose): Off you go then! Your first date. ROSE: You're going to get a smack, you are. The Doctor grins. When she is gone, his grin fades into a more thoughtful look. He stops two women named Suki and Cathica who walk past chatting. THE DOCTOR: Erm... this is gonna sound daft, but can you tell me where I am? CATHICA (indicating a huge sign on the wall): Floor 139... could they write it any bigger? THE DOCTOR: Floor 139 of what? CATHICA: Must've been a hell of a party. SUKI: Oh, you're on Satellite Five. THE DOCTOR: What's Satellite Five. CATHICA: Come on, how could you get on board without knowing where you are? THE DOCTOR (pleasantly): Look at me, I'm stupid. SUKI: Hang on, wait a minute, are you a test? Some sort of management test kind of thing? THE DOCTOR: You've got me. Well done. You're too clever for me. Shows them psychic paper. SUKI: We were warned about this in basic training. All workers have to be versed in company promotion. CATHICA: Right. Fire away, ask your questions. If it gets me to Floor 500 I'll do anything. THE DOCTOR: Why, what happens on Floor 500? CATHICA (as though stating the obvious): The walls are made of gold. And you should know... Mr. Management. So... this is what we do. She walks away and leads him to the screens. Suki smiles at him nervously. CATHICA (CONT'D): Latest news... sandstorms on the new Venus archipelago. Two hundred dead. Glasgow water riots into their third day... spacelane 37 closed by sunspot activity. And over on the Bad Wolf channel, the Face of Boe has just announced he's pregnant. THE DOCTOR: I get it. You broadcast the news. CATHICA: We ARE the news. Suki smiles at the Doctor again. He smiles back. CATHICA (CONT'D): We're the journalists. We write it, package it and sell it. INT. CONTROL ROOM A camera above them zooms in as though someone is watching them. It then switches to a view on a monitor. CATHICA: 600 channels all coming out of Satellite Five, broadcasting everywhere. A man, the Editor, comes into view. He glances at the monitor and ponders for a moment. THE EDITOR: Something... is wrong. Something fictional. He bends over the shoulder of a man, who is covered in ice. He points at the monitor showing live footage of Cathica, Suki and the Doctor. THE EDITOR: Those people. CATHICA: Nothing happens in the whole human empire without it going though us. THE EDITOR: Security check. Go deep. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR LOUDSPEAKER: All staff are reminded that the canteen area now has self cleaning tables. Thank you! Adam is sitting at a crowded table. Rose stands next to him, offering him a paper cup. ROSE: Try this. It's called "zaffic", it's nice. It's like a, um, slush puppy. ADAM: What flavour? ROSE: Um... (Tries it): Sort of, beef? ADAM: Oh, my God... Rose laughs. Adam shakes his head. ADAM (CONT'D): It's like everything's gone. Home, family, everything. Rose looks at him concernedly. She takes her phone out of her pocket. ROSE: This helps... the Doctor gave it a bit of a top-up. Who's back home, your mum and dad? ADAM: Yeah. ROSE (offers him the phone): Phone 'em up. ADAM: But that's one hundred and ninety-eight thousand years ago. ROSE: Honestly, try it. Go on! ADAM (takes the phone): Is there a code for planet Earth? ROSE: Just dial! Adam does so. INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE, MANCHESTER A phone rings. No one answers. The answering machine comes on. ANSWERING MACHINE: I'm sorry we're not in. ADAM: It's on! ANSWERING MACHINE: Please leave a message. Thanks, bye! The tone sounds. ADAM: Hi. It's... it's me. A dog hops through the cat flap. ADAM (CONT'D): I've sort of gone... travelling. The dog scurries to the phone and sniffs it, giving small whines. ADAM (CONT'D): I met these people... and we've gone travelling together. But, um... I'm fine... and I'll call you later. Love you. Bye. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR ADAM (hangs up, gleeful): That is just... An alarm sounds. Everyone starts to abandon the the canteen area, but Rose and Adam don't know what to do. The Doctor is revealed through the crowd a short distance away. THE DOCTOR: Oi! Mutt and Jeff! Over here! Rose, beaming, immediately gets up and joins him. Adam pauses for a moment, holding Rose's phone. Then, seeming to reach a decision, he pockets it. INT. CONTROL ROOM The Editor is waiting for the results of the security check. COMPUTER: Security check cleared. THE EDITOR: No, something's wrong. I can taste it. Tiny little shift in the information. Someone down there shouldn't be here. The camera is focused on the Doctor, Rose, Adam, Cathica and Suki, who are standing together. The Editor orders the two of the people he has working at the computers. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): Double check. Triple check. Follow them. INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM The five of them are now joined by several others in a room, where their work takes place. There is a chair in the middle of raised octagonal platform in the middle of the room, around which the staff are sitting cross legged. In front of them are pads on which to place their hands. The Doctor, Rose and Adam stand leaning against some railings at the side of the room. Cathica is in the middle of the octagonal platform. She addresses the room. CATHICA: Now. Everybody behave. We have a management inspection. (To the Doctor): How do you want it? By the book? THE DOCTOR: Oh, right from scratch, thanks. Cathica turns away. The Doctor and Rose smirk at each other. CATHICA: Ok, so, ladies, gentlemen, multisex, undecided or robot, my name is Cathica Santini Kadainy. That's Cathica with a "C", in case you want to write to Floor 500 praising me, and please... do... The Doctor grins, giving a non-committal jerk of his head. CATHICA (CONT'D): Now, please feel free to ask any questions. The process of news gathering must be open, honest, and be non-biased. That's company policy. She turns to smile at the Doctor. The Doctor nods. SUKI: Actually... it's the law. She also smiles at the Doctor. CATHICA (irritated): Yes, thank you, Suki. Okay, keep it calm... don't show off for the guests... here we go. (Lies down in the chair). And... engage safety... The staff hold their hands out over their hand pads. Each of the eight walls light up as they do so. The Doctor, Rose and Adam look around. Cathica clicks her fingers, and a door in her forehead opens, revealing her brain. The Doctor looks mildly disgusted, Rose alarmed, and Adam leans forward slightly trying to get a better look. The staff place their hands down on the pads and close their eyes. CATHICA (CONT'D): And 3... 2... and spike. From the contraption over the chair, a blue light spikes down into her brain, flowing into her. THE DOCTOR: Compressed information, streaming into her. Reports from every city, every country, every planet, and they all get packaged inside her head. She becomes part of the software. Her brain is the computer. ROSE: If it all goes through her, she must be a genius. THE DOCTOR: Nah. She wouldn't remember any. There's too much, her head would blow up. He begins to walk around the room, circling the octagonal platform. Rose follows. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): The brain's the processor. As soon as it closes, she forgets. ROSE: So, what about all these people round the edge? THE DOCTOR: They've all got tiny little chips in their head, connecting them to her... Rose kneels down next to one of them for a closer look. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): ...and they transmit 600 channels. Every single fact in the empire beams out of this place. He completes his circuit around the room and leans against the railing again, next to Adam. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Now, that's what I call power. INT. CONTROL ROOM COMPUTER: Analysis confirmed. Security breech. THE EDITOR (gleefully): I knew it. Which one? It's someone inside that room, which one? The camera is going from person to person in the spike room. COMPUTER: Isolating breech. THE EDITOR: Come on, show me. Who is it? The camera focuses on Rose, Adam and the Doctor. ROSE (to Adam): You alright? ADAM: I can see her brain. INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM ROSE: Do you want to get out? ADAM: No... no. This is technology, it's... it's amazing. THE DOCTOR: This technology's wrong. Rose and Adam look at him. ROSE: Trouble? THE DOCTOR (catches her eye): Oh yeah. He smiles at her. Rose smiles in a satisfied sort of way. There is a slight shuddering sound, and Suki twitches. INT. CONTROL ROOM THE EDITOR: That's it! (Points at the monitor, laughing in triumph). Yes! She's the liar. The camera is focused on Suki. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): Intercept and scan. Gotcha. INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM Suki gasps and lifts her hands off the pad as though she has just received an electric shock. The other members of staff are forced to lift their own hands too, and the lights in the walls turn off. The compressed information stops streaming into Cathica and the door in her head closes. Suki rubs her hands, breathing heavily. CATHICA (annoyed): Come off it, Suki, I wasn't even halfway, what was that for? SUKI: Sorry, must've been a glitch... Cathica stands up. INT. CONTROL ROOM The Editor is still watching the monitor closely. THE EDITOR: Her information's been tampered with. There's a second biography hidden underneath. There is a sudden roaring sound from above. The Editor spins around and looks up at the ceiling. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): Yes, sir? More roaring. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): Absolutely, sir. Yeah, well - her data was encrypted so there's no way we could've found her sooner. An angry roar, this time. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): Yeah. I... sorry, sir. (Thumbs up). Absolutely. (Urgently, to a woman): Get her up here. Now. INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM Inside the room where Suki, Cathica and the others are assembled, a loudspeaker sounds over the room and a projection springs to life on the wall. LOUDSPEAKER: Promotion. CATHICA (praying just a little too hard): This is it. Come on. God, make it me. Come on, say my name. The Doctor, Rose and Adam look at her with mild concern. CATHICA (CONT'D) (pleading, eyes screwed shut): Say my name, say my name... Opens her eyes. LOUDSPEAKER: Promotion for... Suki Macrae Cantrell. The words flash on the projection. Suki's mouth drops open. Cathica looks gutted. LOUDSPEAKER (CONT'D): Please proceed to Floor 500. Suki stands up and stares at the projection as if she cannot believe what she is seeing. SUKI (awestruck): I don't believe it... Floor 500... CATHICA: How the hell did you manage that? I'm above you! SUKI: I don't know, I just applied on the off-chance... and they've said yes! CATHICA: That's so not fair, I've been applying to Floor 500 for three years! ROSE (to the Doctor): What's Floor 500? THE DOCTOR: The walls are made of gold. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR The Doctor, Rose and Cathica stand by the lift to say goodbye to Suki. SUKI: Cathica, I'm gonna miss you! Floor 500... (To the Doctor): Thank you! THE DOCTOR: I didn't do anything! SUKI: Well, you're my lucky charm! THE DOCTOR: All right! I'll hug anyone! Suki giggles as the Doctor hugs her. Cathica looks stubbornly anywhere but at Suki, and Rose goes over to Adam who is sitting a short distance away. ROSE: Come on, it's not that bad... ADAM: What, with the... the head thing? ROSE: Yeah, well she's closed it now! ADAM: Yeah but... it's everything. It freaks me out. And I just need to... if I could just... (Struggles to find the words) ...cool down. Sort of, acclimatize. ROSE: How d'you mean? ADAM: Maybe... I could just go and sit on the observation deck? Would that be all right? Rose nods. ADAM (CONT'D): Soak it in, you know, pretend I'm a citizen of the year 200 000. ROSE: Do you want me to come with you? ADAM: No, no, you stick with the Doctor. Rose nods. A pause. ADAM (CONT'D): You'd rather be with him. Another awkward pause, because it's true. ADAM (CONT'D): It's gonna take a better man than me to get between you two. Anyway, I'll be on the deck. He gets to his feet. Rose fumbles in her pocket. ROSE: Here you go... take the TARDIS key. You know, just in case it gets a bit too much. ADAM: Yeah, like it's not weird in there. Rose gives him the key. Adam walks away, leaving Rose standing alone. He grins to himself gleefully, holding the key, rejoicing under his breath. SUKI: Oh, my God, I've got to go, I can't keep them waiting... (Picks up her bag, rushes to the lift). I'm sorry! (Lift pings open, she steps inside). Say goodbye to Steve for me. The Doctor and Rose smile. The lift doors close. SUKI (CONT'D): Bye! The Doctor and Rose wave cheerily. Cathica looks away sourly. CATHICA: Good riddance. THE DOCTOR: You're talking like you'll never see her again. She's only going upstairs. CATHICA: We won't. Once you go to Floor 500 you never come back. The Doctor looks at the closed lift doors, brow furrowed. INT. LIFT Suki stands nervously in the lift, which is zooming up to Floor 500 very fast. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR The Doctor and Rose follow Cathica through the canteen area. THE DOCTOR (to Cathica): Have you ever been up there? CATHICA: No. You need a key for the lift, and you only get a key with promotion. No one gets to 500 except for the chosen few. INT. LIFT Suki paces agitatedly in the lift. Finally, it reaches Floor 500 and the doors open. She looks out beyond the doors, Floor 500 is covered in frost and snow, snow which is gently falling from the ceiling. Suki picks up her bag and walks out of the lift. INT. FLOOR 500, CORRIDOR Suki looks around at her surroundings nervously. Behind her, the doors bleep and shut. Scared, Suki throws her weight against them, trying to open them, but to no avail. She gives up and takes a torch out of her bag. She walks cautiously onto Floor 500, holding it before her. There is a small sound from one of the side rooms. She edges into it slowly. INT. FLOOR 500, SPIKE ROOM Suki shines her torch around - it appears to be a disused room, like the one where she works. She places a hand on the chair in the middle of the octagonal platform, and shrieks as a rotten corpse falls into view. Shining her torch around, she finds there are eight other corpses, sitting around the edges of the platform. She backs hurriedly out of the room. INT. FLOOR 500, CORRIDOR Suddenly, a shaft of light falls across the floor. Having no other indication as to where she should go, Suki follows it. INT. CONTROL ROOM Suki finds herself facing the Editor, in the place where the other deceased members of staff are working on the computers. She turns off the torch. The Editor waves, and she places it back in her bag, walking up some steps towards him. SUKI: Who're you? THE EDITOR: I'm the Editor. SUKI: What's happening? There're... bodies out there, what's going on? THE EDITOR: Well, while we're asking questions, would you please confirm your name. He snaps his fingers, and a projection of Suki appears between them, obviously recorded from the time when she was applying for her job. PROJECTION OF SUKI: My name is Suki Macrae Cantrell. I was born 1-9-9 apostrophe 8-9 in the Independent Republic of Morocco. THE EDITOR: Liar. Suki looks at him with something like defiance in her eyes. PROJECTION OF SUKI: Hobbies include reading and archaeology. I'm not an expert or anything, I just like digging. THE EDITOR: Liar! He snaps his fingers again, the recording is forwarded to a different point. PROJECTION OF SUKI: I want to work for Satellite Five because my sister can't afford university. The Editor shakes his head. Suki looks from him to the projection. PROJECTION OF SUKI (CONT'D): And the pay scheme is really good... THE EDITOR (shouts): Liar! Suki stares at him defiantly. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): Let's look at the facts, shall we? He snaps his fingers again. The projection now shows Suki in a trench, wearing army attire, firing a gun and shouting to her comrades. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): Ah, hidden behind a genetic graft, but that's still you. Eva San Julienne. Last surviving member of the Freedom Fifteen! Hmm, self declared anarchist, is that right? Suki suddenly produces a gun and points it at the Editor. Her voice has changed - it is now harsh and cold. SUKI: Who controls Satellite Five? Looking shocked, the Editor raises his hands slowly in the air. Then, he bursts out laughing and lowers them. THE EDITOR: There's the truth! SUKI (unfazed): The Freedom Foundation has been monitoring Satellite Five's transmissions. We have absolute proof that the facts are being manipulated. You are lying to the people. THE EDITOR: Ohh, I love it. Say it again. SUKI: This whole system is corrupt. (Steps towards her, gun ready). Who do you represent? THE EDITOR: I'm merely a humble slave. I answer to the Editor in Chief. SUKI: Well, who is he? Where is he? THE EDITOR: He's overseeing everything. Literally everything. Suki narrows her eyes. THE EDITOR: If you don't mind, I'm going to have to refer this upwards. He clicks his fingers and points upwards. The roaring voice starts again. Suki immediately points her gun at the ceiling instead. SUKI (scared): What is that? THE EDITOR: Your boss. This has always been your boss. Since the day you were born. Suki fires ineffectually in the direction of the creature. But it bears down on her. Suki screams. INT. OBSERVATION DECK Adam enters the observation deck. He looks out over the Earth for a few seconds, then turns to a computer behind him. He places his hand on the hand pad. ADAM: Give me access... The computer screen springs to life. Adam snatches his hand away and pauses. ADAM (CONT'D): I can learn anything. He looks around to make sure no one is watching him, then turns back to the screen. He places his hand back on the groove. ADAM (CONT'D): Let's try... uh, computers. From the 21st Century to the present date, give me the history of the Microprocessor. The computer starts to stream the information into Adam. He looks amazed. ADAM (CONT'D): Oh my God. INT. SPIKE ROOM Cathica enters followed by the Doctor and Rose. CATHICA: Look, they only give us twenty minutes maintenance, can't you give it a rest? THE DOCTOR: But you've never been to another floor? Not even one floor down? He settles himself comfortably in the chair on the platform. Rose leans on the back of it. CATHICA: I went to floor 16 when I first arrived, that's medical, that's when I got my head done, and then I, I came straight here. Satellite Five, you work, eat and sleep on the same floor. That's it, that's all. (Eyes them). You're not management, are you. THE DOCTOR: At last! She's clever! CATHICA (after a pause): Yeah, well, whatever it is, don't involve me. I don't know anything. THE DOCTOR: Don't you even ask? CATHICA: Well, why would I? THE DOCTOR: You're a journalist! Why's all the crew human? CATHICA: What's that got to do with anything? THE DOCTOR: There's no aliens on board. Why? CATHICA: I don't know - no real reason, they're not banned or anything. The Doctor looks around the room theatrically. THE DOCTOR: Then where are they? CATHICA (stumped): I suppose immigration's tightened up. It's had to, what, with all the threats. THE DOCTOR: What threats? CATHICA (lost): I don't know... all of them. Usual stuff. And the price of space warp doubled so that kept the visitors away... Rose and the Doctor watch her intently. CATHICA (CONT'D): Oh, and the government on Traffic Five's collapsed, so that lot stopped coming, you see... just... lots of little reasons, that's all. THE DOCTOR: Adding up to one great big fact, and you didn't even notice. CATHICA: Doctor, I think if there was any kind of conspiracy, Satellite Five would have seen it. We see everything. THE DOCTOR: I can see better. This society's the wrong shape. Even the technology. CATHICA: It's cutting edge! THE DOCTOR: It's backward! There's a great big door in your head! You should've chucked this out years ago. ROSE: So, what do you think is going on? THE DOCTOR: It's not just this space station, it's the whole attitude. It's the way people think. The great and bountiful human empire's stunted. Something's holding it back. CATHICA: And how would you know? THE DOCTOR: Trust me. Humanity's been set back about 90 years, when did Satellite Five start broadcasting? CATHICA: 91 years ago... The Doctor nods. Cathica looks away thoughtfully. INT. OBSERVATION DECK Adam stands in front of the computer terminal on Rose's mobile. ADAM: Mum, Dad, keep this message, okay? Whatever you do, don't erase it. INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE, MANCHESTER The dog scuttles up to the phone again, sniffing around it. ADAM (CONT'D): Save it. You got that? INT. OBSERVATION DECK Adam places his hand on the pad again. He speaks into the mobile as the information streams into him. ADAM: The microprocessor became redundant in the year 2019, when it was replaced by a system called SMT, that's Single Molecule Transcription... Suddenly, the information stops coming and the words 'Floor 16' appear on the screen. ADAM (CONT'D): No, no, no, no, no, no! What're you doing! Come back! Come... He kicks the base of the computer. He looks behind him to check no one heard, then back at the computer. ADAM (CONT'D): Why are you doing that? The words remain stubbornly on the screen. ADAM (CONT'D): What's Floor 16? What's down there? INT. FLOOR 16, CORRIDOR The lift doors open on Floor 16 and Adam steps out. The floor is lined with desks with people sitting behind them, taking to members of staff. Adam walks past them all, until he reaches the end one, where a nurse is sitting unoccupied. He approaches her. ADAM: Sorry, um, Floor 16, that's, um... what do you cover? NURSE: Medical non-emergency. ADAM: Right, wrong floor, I'm having technical difficulties, my screen keeps freezing, blocking me out. NURSE: No, that's medical... there must be something wrong with your chip. ADAM: Yes. Yeah, of course, yeah. (A laugh, a pause, then). I haven't got one. NURSE (rolls her eyes): No wonder you can't get a screen to work. Adam nods. NURSE (CONT'D): What are you, a... student? ADAM (thinking quickly): Yes, yeah, I'm um... (Sits opposite her). I'm on a research project from... the University of Mars. NURSE (rolls her eyes again): The Martian Boondocks. Typical. ADAM: Yep. He giggles apologetically. NURSE: Well, you still need chipping. ADAM: So... does that mean like... brain surgery? NURSE: That's an old fashioned phrase... but it's the same thing, yes. ADAM: Oh... okay... never mind. But if I get a chip... that means I could use any computer. NURSE: Absolutely. You'll... have to pay for it. They've stopped subsiding. ADAM: Oh! Right. Sorry. Wasting your time. Thanks. He gets up and makes to leave. A few paces away he stops and puts his hand in his pocket. ADAM (CONT'D): Hold on... can I use this? He holds up the credits. The Nurse smiles. NURSE: That'll do nicely. INT. MEDICAL ROOM Adam is sitting in what looks like a futuristic dentist's chair in some sort of operating theatre. The Nurse approaches him. NURSE: It all comes down to two basic types. (Pushes him back into the chair, puts a strange contraption around his forehead). Type one, the head chip. Inserted into the back of the skull, one hundred credits. There's the chip... (Places the chip on her forefinger and shows it to him). Tiny. Invisible. Type two is the full info-spike. ADAM: Oh, um... that's the... (Indicates his forehead and does sound effects to illustrate his point) ...thing. NURSE: That's the one. It does cost ten thousand. ADAM: Oh, well I um... I couldn't afford it, then. NURSE: Not at all! Turns out, you've got unlimited credit. She takes the credit out her pocket and shows it to him. ADAM: No, but... I couldn't have it done, I mean... that's gotta hurt, hasn't it? NURSE: Painless. Contractual guarantee. ADAM (laughs nervously): No, my mate's waiting upstairs, I can't have major surgery. NURSE: It takes ten minutes. That sort of money buys a very fast picosurgeon. She circles his chair in a somewhat predatory nature. ADAM (still smiling, unsure): No, but I... I couldn't, no, no. It's... The Nurse leans closer to him. NURSE: Type one, you can interface with a simple computer. Type two, you are the computer. You can transmit any piece of information from the archive of Satellite Five, which is just about the entire history of the human race. Now... (Leans in). Which one's it going to be? INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR Cathica's face comes into view, looking anxious. CATHICA: We're so gonna get in trouble. The Doctor is scanning the side of a door with his sonic screwdriver, Rose standing behind him. Cathica goes over to him. CATHICA (CONT'D): You're not allowed to touch the mainframe, you're gonna get told off. THE DOCTOR: Rose, tell her to button it. CATHICA (urgent whisper): You can't just vandalise the place, someone's gonna notice! The Doctor wrenches the door open. INT. CONTROL ROOM Up on Floor 500, the Editor is watching. THE EDITOR: I don't understand! We did a full security scan. That man was there when we found Suki Macrae Cantrell. There were no indications about him. And yet here he is... (Kneels by Suki's body, now hard at work at a terminal). Clearly acting outside the parameters. (Looks back at the screen). Fascinating. He leaps to his feet as the creature in the ceiling starts talking again. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): Yes, sir. Absolutely. At once. (Goes along the line of workers, speaking to each in turn). Check him. Double check him. Triple check him. Quadruple. The creature rumbles. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR The Doctor is still messing around with the mainframe. CATHICA: This is nothing to do with me, I'm going back to work. She begins to walk away. THE DOCTOR: Go on then! See ya! Cathica stops. CATHICA: I can't just leave you, can I! ROSE: If you wanna be useful, get 'em to turn the heating down. It's boiling. What's wrong with this place, can't they do something about it? CATHICA: I don't know, we keep asking, something to do with the turbine. THE DOCTOR (mockingly): "Something to do with the turbine". CATHICA: Well, I don't know! THE DOCTOR: Exactly! I give up on you, Cathica. Now, Rose, look at Rose. Rose turns round, smiling. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Rose is asking the right kind of questions. ROSE: Oh, thank you. THE DOCTOR: Why is it so hot? CATHICA: One minutes you're worried about the Empire and the next it's the central heating! THE DOCTOR: Well, never underestimate plumbing. Plumbing's very important. He accidentally snaps a bunch of wires. Cathica looks away, exasperated. INT. CONTROL ROOM The Editor is waiting for the results of the security scan. COMPUTER: Security scan complete. THE EDITOR: Well, who is he? COMPUTER: He is no-one. THE EDITOR (laughs, not comprehending): What does that mean? COMPUTER: He is no-one. THE EDITOR: What, you mean he has a fake ID? COMPUTER: He has no identification. THE EDITOR: But everyone's registered. We have a census for the entire Empire. COMPUTER: He is no-one. THE EDITOR: What, he doesn't exist? Not anywhere? COMPUTER: He is no-one. THE EDITOR: What about the blonde? COMPUTER: She is no-one. THE EDITOR (incredulous): Both of them?! Well! We all know what happens to non-entities. They get promoted. (To a Drone). Bring them up. He pats her shoulder. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR The Doctor has now successfully managed to hack into the mainframe. He turns the screen to Cathica THE DOCTOR: Here we go, Satellite Five. Pipes and plumbing. Look at the layout. He moves to stand behind her so she can see. Cathica examines the screen. CATHICA: This is ridiculous. You've got access to the computer's core. You can look at the archive, the news, the stock exchange... and you're looking at pipes? She turns to him, bemused. THE DOCTOR: But there's something wrong. Cathica turns back to the screen. CATHICA: I suppose... ROSE: Why, what is it? CATHICA: The ventilation system. Cooling ducts, ice filters, all working flat out... channelling massive amounts of heat DOWN. She looks upwards. THE DOCTOR: All the way from the top. ROSE: Floor 500. THE DOCTOR: Something up there is generating tonnes and tonnes of heat. ROSE: Well, I don't know about you, but I feel like I'm missing out on a party. It's all going on upstairs. Fancy a trip? CATHICA: You can't, you need a key. THE DOCTOR: Keys are just codes, and I've got the codes right here. (Gestures the screen, taps a few keys). Here we go, override 215.9. CATHICA: How come it's giving you the code? The Doctor looks up at a security camera. INT. CONTROL ROOM THE DOCTOR: Someone up there likes me. The Editor laughs to himself. INT. MEDICAL ROOM Adam runs his hand over his forehead. The Nurse is standing next to him. NURSE: I told you it was painless. No scaring, you see? Perfect success. ADAM: How do I activate it? NURSE: It's a personal choice. Some people whistle... I know one man who triggers it with "Oh, Danny Boy". Adam looks at her. NURSE (CONT'D): But you're set on default for now. That's a click of the fingers. ADAM: So you mean, I just... The Nurse raises her fingers, ready to click. NURSE: Click. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR The lift doors open on Floor 139, and Rose and the Doctor step into it. Cathica stops outside. ROSE: Come on, come with us! CATHICA: No way! THE DOCTOR (waves): Bye! CATHICA Well, don't mention my name. When you get in trouble, just don't involve me! She stalks off. THE DOCTOR (to Rose): That's her gone. Adam's given up. Looks like it's just you and me. ROSE: Yeah. THE DOCTOR: Good. ROSE: Yep. They grin at each other. The Doctor slots a card into the controls, and grabs Rose's hand as the doors close. INT. MEDICAL ROOM Adam clicks his fingers. The door in his head opens, revealing his brain. He fingers the shutters with his mouth open for a few seconds, then clicks his fingers again to close it, shaking. He flops back in his seat. ADAM: Oh, my God. I'm gonna be sick. He wretches. A vomit coloured ice-cube pops out of his mouth. Adam takes it between his fingers, and looks at it in confusion. NURSE: Special offer. We installed the vomit-o-matic at the same time. Nano-termites have been placed in the lining of your throat. In the event of sickness... (Holds out a bowl). They freeze the waste. Adam places the ice-cube into the bowl. They both peer at it. Adam looks severely shaken. INT. FLOOR 500, CORRIDOR The lift reaches Floor 500. The doors open and the Doctor and Rose step out. THE DOCTOR (looks around): The walls are not made of gold. You should go back downstairs. ROSE: Tough. She strides onto Floor 500. The Doctor watches her a moment, then follows. INT. CONTROL ROOM The Doctor and Rose find themselves in the Editor's room, where he is watching the screens. THE EDITOR: I started without you. This is fascinating. Satellite Five contains every piece of information within the Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire. Birth certificates, shopping habits, bank statements, but you two... you don't exist! The Doctor and Rose look right back at him. He laughs. THE EDITOR :l Not a trace! No birth, no job, not the slightest kiss. How can you walk through the world and not leave a single footprint? Rose spots Suki sitting at one of the screens and rushes over to her immediately. ROSE: Suki! Suki! She kneels next to her, but Suki does not respond. ROSE (CONT'D): Hello? Can you hear me? Suki? (To the Editor): What've you done to her? THE DOCTOR: I think she's dead. ROSE: She's working... THE DOCTOR: They've all got chips in their head, and the chips keep going. Like puppets. THE EDITOR: Ohhh! You're full of information! But it's only fair we get information back, because apparently, you're no-one. He laughs. The Doctor nods. THE EDITOR: It's so rare not to know something. Who are you? THE DOCTOR: It doesn't matter, 'cause we're off. Nice to meet you. (To Rose): Come on. Two of the Drones restrain him. Rose tries to get up, but Suki's corpse grabs her arm. THE EDITOR (persistently): Tell me who you are! THE DOCTOR: Since that information's keeping us alive, I'm hardly gonna say, am I? THE EDITOR (smiling): Well, perhaps my Editor in Chief can convince you otherwise. THE DOCTOR: And who's that? THE EDITOR: It may interest you to know that this is not the Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire. In fact, it's not actually human at all. It's merely a place where humans happen to live. The creature speaks. The tone sounds angry. THE EDITOR: Yeah, sorry. It's a place where humans are allowed to live by kind permission of my client. He snaps his fingers and points upwards and points at the creature in the ceiling. It is revealed to be a huge, slobbering lump of an alien with a mouth full of sharp, snapping teeth. ROSE (nervously): What is that? THE DOCTOR: You mean, that thing's in charge of Satellite Five? THE EDITOR: That "thing", as you put it, is in charge of the human race. The Doctor looks at him in alarm. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): For almost a hundred years, mankind has been shaped and guided, his knowledge and ambition strictly controlled by its broadcast news. Edited by my superior, your master, and humanities guiding light, the mighty Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe. The Jagrafess roars. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): I call him Max. The Doctor smiles sarcastically and nods. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR Adam is back on Floor 139. He swiftly steps aside as he sees Cathica coming. She does not notice him. However, she looks troubled. She goes back to the computer which the Doctor hacked to find the codes. She then enters the code into the lift. The doors close. INT. CONTROL ROOM The Doctor and Rose have both been restrained with manacles. THE EDITOR: If we create a climate of fear... then it's easy to keep the borders closed. It's just a matter of emphasis. The right word in the right broadcast repeated often enough can destabilize an economy... invent an enemy... change a vote... ROSE: So, all the people on Earth are like, slaves. THE EDITOR: Well, now. There's an interesting point. Is a slave a slave if he doesn't know he's enslaved? THE DOCTOR: Yes. THE EDITOR: Oh. I was hoping for a philosophical debate. Is that all I'm going to get? Yes? THE DOCTOR: Yes. The Editor laughs. THE EDITOR: You're no fun. THE DOCTOR: Let me out of these manacles, you'll find out how much fun I am. THE EDITOR: Oh, he's tough, isn't he. But, come on. Isn't it a great system? You've got to admire it, just a little bit. ROSE: You can't hide something on this scale. Somebody must've noticed. THE EDITOR: From time to time, someone, yes. But the computer system allows me to see inside their brain... I can see the smallest doubt, and crush it. He grins. INT. FLOOR 500, CORRIDOR Cathica steps out of the lift on Floor 500, and strides onto the floor. INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM Adam steps cautiously into the spike room and shuts the door behind him. INT. CONTROL ROOM THE EDITOR (CONT'D): And then they just carry on, living their life. Strutting about downstairs and all over the surface of the Earth like they're so individual. The Doctor spots Cathica out of the corner of his eye. She has made it to the room, but does not reveal herself. THE EDITOR: When of course, they're not. They're just cattle. In that respect, the Jagrafess hasn't changed a thing. ROSE: What about you? You're not a Jagra... uh... a... THE DOCTOR: Jagrafess. ROSE: Jagrafess. You're not a Jagrafess. You're human. THE EDITOR: Yeah, well simply being human doesn't pay very well. ROSE: But you couldn't have done this all on your own. THE EDITOR: No! I represent a consortium of banks. Money prefers a long-term investment. Also, the Jagrafess needed a little hand to um... install himself. THE DOCTOR: No wonder, a creature that size. Cathica, still hiding, spots the Jagrafess on the ceiling. THE DOCTOR: What's his life span? THE EDITOR: Three thousand years. THE DOCTOR: That's one hell of a metabolism generating all that heat. That's why Satellite Five's so hot. You pump it out of the creature, channel it downstairs - Jagrafess stays cool, stays alive. Satellite Five's one great big life support system. INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM Adam, now in the chair, opens his head. He calls his house number on Rose's mobile. INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE, MANCHESTER ADAM (through answering machine): Me again. Don't wipe this message. It's just gonna sound like white noise, but save it because I can translate it. Okay? Three, two, one... and spike. INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM The compressed information starts to flow into Adam's brain. INT. CONTROL ROOM THE EDITOR: But THAT'S why you're so dangerous. Knowledge is power, but you remain unknown. He gives a small laugh, then clicks his fingers. The manacles send an electric shock through the Doctor and Rose. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): Who are you? INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM Adam is shaking. INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE, MANCHESTER A blue light surrounds the telephone, and the dog is barking at it. INT. CONTROL ROOM The Doctor grimaces in pain. THE DOCTOR (indicating Rose): Leave her alone. I'm the Doctor, she's Rose Tyler, we're nothing, we're just wandering. THE EDITOR: Tell me who you are! THE DOCTOR: I just said! THE EDITOR: Yeah, but who do you work for? Who sent you? Who knows about us? Who exactly... He stops. INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM Adam shudders. INT. CONTROL ROOM The Doctor looks at The Editor questioningly. He smiles. THE EDITOR: Time Lord. THE DOCTOR: What? THE EDITOR: Oh, yes! The last of the Time Lords in his travelling machine. Oh, with his little human girl from long ago... He touches Rose's face gently, and she jerks her head away roughly. THE DOCTOR: You don't know what you're talking about. THE EDITOR: Time travel. INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM Adam shouts in pain. INT. CONTROL ROOM THE DOCTOR: Someone's been telling you lies. THE EDITOR: Young master Adam Mitchell? He snaps his fingers, and a projection of Adam, writhing with pain and shouting, the compressed information still flowing into him, appears in the air. ROSE: Oh, my God, his head! THE DOCTOR: What the hell's he done? What the hell's he gone and done? Cathica listens. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): They're reading his mind. He's telling them everything! THE EDITOR: And through him, I know everything about you. Every piece of information in his head is now mine. And you have infinite knowledge, Doctor. The Human Empire is tiny compared to what you've seen in your T-A-R-D-I-S. TARDIS. THE DOCTOR: You'll never get your hands on it. I'll die first. THE EDITOR: Die all you like. I don't need you. I've got the key. INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM. The key slowly floats from Adam's pocket and dangles in front of his face. INT. CONTROL ROOM The Doctor rounds on Rose. THE DOCTOR: You and your boyfriends! THE EDITOR: Today, we are the headlines. We can rewrite history. We could prevent mankind from ever developing. THE DOCTOR: And no-one's gonna stop you. Because you've bred a human race that doesn't bother to ask questions. Stupid little slaves, believing every lie. They'll just trot right into the slaughter house if they're told it's made of gold. He is indirectly addressing this to Cathica, who is still listening, revelation showing on her face. She seems to reach some sort of decision. INT. FLOOR 500, SPIKE ROOM Cathica enters the broadcasting room on Floor 500. She tosses the rotten corpse off the chair, and sits down in the vacated seat herself. CATHICA: Disengage safety. The walls around her light up. INT. CONTROL ROOM An alarm goes off. THE EDITOR: What's happening? CATHICA: Maximum access. Override Floor 139. INT. FLOOR 139, SPIKE ROOM The information stops flowing into Adam, and the TARDIS key falls to the floor. INT. FLOOR 500, SPIKE ROOM CATHICA (CONT'D): And... spike! The information flows into her. INT. CONTROL ROOM THE EDITOR: Someone's disengaged the safety. He clicks his fingers - the projection shows Cathica, the compressed information flowing into her brain. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): Who's that?! ROSE: It's Cathica! THE DOCTOR: And she's thinking. She's using what she knows! THE EDITOR (to Suki): Terminate her access. THE DOCTOR: Everything I told her about Satellite Five, the pipes, the filters, she's reversing it! Look at that... The icicles are beginning to melt. THE DOCTOR: It's getting hot. THE EDITOR: I said, terminate! He frantically places his own hands over Suki's. THE EDITOR: Burn her mind. CATHICA: Oh, no you don't. You should've promoted me YEARS back. All the screens suddenly explode with sparks, and the Drones fall lifeless to the floor. Satellite Five shudders, and alarms go off. Rose's manacles come undone. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR All the workers are running and screaming. INT. CONTROL ROOM The Editor tries to get the corpses to sit upright again. INT. FLOOR 500, SPIKE ROOM Cathica smiles. INT. CONTROL ROOM THE DOCTOR: She's venting the heat up here. The Jagrafess needs to stay cool and now it's sitting on top of a volcano. The Jagrafess is roaring violently. The Doctor laughs. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR Adam runs through the crowds. INT. CONTROL ROOM THE EDITOR (in response to the Jagrafess' roars): Yes! Uh... I'm trying, sir but, I don't know how she did it, it's impossible. A member of staff with an idea... The Jagrafess roars angrily. The Editor pushes Suki's body aside, and tries to operate the computer himself. Rose, free from her manacles, fumbles in the Doctor's jacket pocket for his sonic screwdriver, while the Jagrafess roars and snaps at them menacingly. ROSE: What do I do? THE DOCTOR: Flick the switch! Rose does so, and the sonic screwdriver buzzes. A small explosion goes off nearby, causing Rose to jump. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR Adam pushes through the crowds. Cathica closes her eyes. INT. CONTROL ROOM Rose uses the sonic screwdriver to free the Doctor. He says to the Editor... THE DOCTOR: Oi, mate, wanna bank on a certainty? Massive heat in a massive body. Massive bang! He frees himself just as lumps of flesh start falling off the Jagrafess. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): See you in the headlines! He runs for it. The body of the Jagrafess starts to pulsate horribly, glowing red. THE EDITOR: Um, actually, sir, if it's all the same to you, I think I'll resign. Bye, then! He makes to leave, but Suki grabs his ankle, tripping him over and preventing him from leaving. He tries to tug his foot away. THE EDITOR (CONT'D): Let go of me! INT. FLOOR 500, CORRIDOR The Doctor and Rose run across Floor 500 hand in hand, avoiding the huge lumps of snow falling from the ceiling. INT. CONTROL ROOM The Jagrafess roars in pain. THE EDITOR (to Suki): Let go of me! Let go of me! INT. FLOOR 500, SPIKE ROOM The Doctor and Rose enter - the information is still streaming into Cathica. INT. CONTROL ROOM The Jagrafess swells horribly. The Editor shouts in terror. And then, it explodes. INT. FLOOR 500, SPIKE ROOM The Doctor clicks his fingers and the door in Cathica's head closes. She looks up at the Doctor, who smiles down at her. EXT. SPACE The sun rises over the planet Earth. INT. FLOOR 139, CORRIDOR Everyone is recovering from the commotion. The Doctor and Cathica are sitting at a table in the canteen area, Rose leaning on the bar behind them. THE DOCTOR: We're just gonna go. I hate tidying up. Too many questions. You'll manage. CATHICA: You'll have to stay and explain it. No-one's gonna believe me. THE DOCTOR: Oh, they might start believing a lot of things now. The Human Race should accelerate. All back to normal. CATHICA (eying Adam, who is loitering by the TARDIS): What about your friend? THE DOCTOR: He's not my friend. There is something menacing in the way he stands up and marches in Adam's direction. ROSE: Now, don't... He ignores her. The Doctor advances on Adam. ADAM: I'm all right now. Much better. I've got the key. (Shows him). Well, it's... I know... (Laughs nervously). It all worked out for the best, didn't it? (Laughs nervously). The Doctor takes the key off him, and grabs Adam, and unlocks the door of the TARDIS. ADAM (CONT'D): You know, it's not actually my fault, because you were in charge. The Doctor shoves Adam inside, ignoring him completely. INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE, MANCHESTER The Doctor steers Adam out of the TARDIS which has materialised in his living room. Rose follows them out, shutting the doors behind her. ADAM: It's my house! I'm home! Oh, my God, I'm home! The Doctor glares at him. ADAM (CONT'D): Blimey. I thought you were going to chuck me out of an airlock. THE DOCTOR: Is there something else you want to tell me? ADAM: No. Um... what do you mean? The Doctor walks over the the telephone and picks it up. THE DOCTOR: The archive of Satellite Five. One second of that message could've changed the world. Adam looks rather caught out. The Doctor puts down the phone, and takes out his sonic screwdriver. Adam looks as though he wants to stop him, but cannot think of anything to say, and merely points at him wordlessly while he blows up the telephone. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): That's it, then. See ya. He walks back to the TARDIS doors. ADAM: How do you mean, "see ya"? THE DOCTOR: As in "goodbye". ADAM: But... what about me? You can't just go, I've got my head, I've got a chip type two, my head opens. THE DOCTOR: What, like this? He clicks his fingers, opening Adam's head. ADAM (angrily): Don't. He clicks his fingers and it closes. THE DOCTOR: Don't do what? He clicks his fingers again. ADAM: Stop it! Adam closes it again. ROSE: All right now, Doctor, that's enough. Stop it. The Doctor backs down. ADAM (to Rose): Thank you. Rose clicks her fingers. ADAM: Oi! ROSE (sniggering): Sorry, I couldn't resist. Adam closes it again. THE DOCTOR: The whole of history could've changed because of you. ADAM: I just wanted to help. THE DOCTOR: You were helping yourself. ADAM: And, I'm sorry. I've said I'm sorry, and I am, I really am, but you can't just leave me like this. THE DOCTOR: Yes I can. 'Cos if you show your head to anyone, they'll dissect you in seconds. You'll have to live a very quiet life. Keep out of trouble. Be average. Unseen. Good luck. He opens the TARDIS door. ADAM: But I wanna come with you! THE DOCTOR: I only take the best. I've got Rose. Adam's mum opens the front door, carrying bags of shopping. Adam hears her. ADAM: Oh my God. ADAM'S MUM: Who's that? Jeff? Is that you? ADAM: It's me, mum, don't come in, wait there a minute. A look of surprised delight spreads across Adam's mum's face. ADAM'S MUM: Oh, my Lord! You never told me you were coming home! Rose watches Adam's embarrassed face, teasingly, her tongue between her teeth. ADAM'S MUM (CONT'D): Hold on, I'll just take my coat off. You should've told me you were coming home. I would've got your favourite tea in. ADAM: Rose... take me with you. Rose, however, stares at Adam like she's never seen him before, and boards the TARDIS without a backward glance. The engines start up. ADAM'S MUM: Hey, I'll tell... what's that noise? Have you left the back door open? Blimey, there's a draft. She flings the door open just as the TARDIS disappears. ADAM'S MUM (CONT'D): What a surprise. Ah, let me look at you. Ah, six months. Adam nods. ADAM'S MUM (CONT'D): It's like I saw you yesterday. Isn't it funny? The time goes by like "that". She clicks her fingers. Her draw drops.

Plan: A: Adam travel; Q: Who is transmitting all the knowledge on Satellite 5 to his parents' answering machine at home? A: Adam; Q: Who is the Doctor furious at? A: the year 200,000; Q: What year do the Doctor, Rose, and Adam travel to? A: Satellite 5; Q: Where do the Doctor, Rose, and Adam land? A: journalism; Q: What does Satellite 5 control? A: a creature; Q: What is the Jagrafess? A: the "Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire; Q: What is the name of the empire that the Editor and the Jagrafess created? A: the news; Q: What has installed fear in the human race? A: a closed society; Q: What kind of society has the news created? A: a port; Q: What did Adam install in his head? A: Cathica; Q: Who redirects the heat to Floor 500? A: his house; Q: Where does the Doctor return Adam to? A: TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's time machine? Summary: The Doctor, Rose, and Adam travel to the year 200,000 and land on the space station Satellite 5, which controls journalism. Ever since the satellite began broadcasting, something has held the human race's attitude and technology back. The Editor invites the Doctor and Rose to the elite Floor 500, where he holds them captive, explaining that he and a creature known as the Jagrafess have made, through Satellite 5, the "Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire" a place where the news has installed fear in the human race, keeping them in a closed society. Meanwhile, Adam has installed a port in his head and is transmitting all the knowledge on Satellite 5 to his parents' answering machine at home. The journalist Cathica redirects the heat to Floor 500, allowing Rose and the Doctor to escape, while the Editor and the Jagrafess are destroyed by the heat. The Doctor is furious at Adam and returns him to his house, destroying the answering machine and banishing Adam from the TARDIS.

The Deer-Hunters CUT TO RORY AND LORELAI WALKING ACROSS THE STREET. LORELAI: Shopping for school supplies - party. RORY: Nobody demanded that you come. LORELAI: Are you kidding? How of ten do you get to do things like this? I was thinking, while we're going crazy, we should get some toilet paper and a plunger next. RORY: I'll just do this later. LORELAI: No, I'm teasing. Come on, get that list of your. RORY: Ok [puts out a list] I need legal pads, LORELAI: Got it. RORY: Tons of pens, LORELAI: Right. RORY: Some number 2 pencils, three highlighters, an eraser a staple remover and a folder. LORELAI: You need 3 highlighters? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Three? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: That's a very random number. RORY: Three is not a random number. LORELAI: No but I mean how did you get to the number 3? RORY: One dries up, one gets lost, I have one left. LORELAI: You have really thought this out. RORY: Yes, I have. LORELAI: What came first - the chicken or the egg. RORY: Can we get back to this list please. LORELAI: Alright. Ooh, hey, legal pads. RORY: No. Those are purple. LORELAI: Yes, purple is festive. RORY: I can't have purple LORELAI: Yes you can, they're on sale. RORY: I'm going to a serious school now, I need serious paper. LORELAI: Paper's paper. RORY: Not at Chilton. LORELAI: Alright, fine. Here is your serious paper. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: Ooh and here are you somber highlighters, your maudlin pencils, your manic-depressive pens. RORY: Mom LORELAI: Now these erasers are on lithium so they may seem cheerful but we actually caught them trying to shove themselves in the pencil sharpener earlier. RORY: I'm going home now. LORELAI: No wait! We're going to stage an intervention with the neon post-its and make them give up their wacky crazy ways. RORY: You're never coming shopping with me again. LORELAI: Ooh here's a card tray - [fades into intro] CUT TO BUS OUTSIDE CHILTON [Rory gets off the bus with bags, runs back into the bus for two more bags, then runs back into the bus a third time for another two. CUT TO MR. MEDINA'S CLASSROOM MAX: Decent effort by most [handing back tests] Good effort by some, exceptional effort by two. Miss Geller, Miss Grant. Ms. Graham. Miss Gilmore [ hands Rory her paper with a ‘D'] Take these home, learn from your mistakes. Look at the large red circles around various parts of your paper as friendly reminders that to err is human. And that here at Chilton we try to beat that humanity right outta ya! Ok, next up. The test - the dreaded test. Shakespeare! The man we've been droning on about for the last three weeks, finally comes back to haunt us on Friday. This is a big one my friends - multiple choice with an essay section that will count for 20% of your grade for this semester. And don't be fooled by my kind face and charming personality. This test will be hard, and there will be no makeups. [bell rings] Refer to the study materials that I gave you at the beginning of the month and those extensive notes I know you've been taking. PARIS: Hard paper. LOUISE: Killer. PARIS: How'd you do? LOUISE: ‘A' PARIS: Me too. LOUISE: Oh small world. PARIS: Isn't it? Madeline what'd you get? MADELINE: You know I got a ‘B' PARIS: A ‘B's not bad. LOUISE: Oh not at all. PARIS: Respectable even LOUISE: I'd be proud. PARIS: A ‘D' however, that would be cause for concern. LOUISE: A cry for help. PARIS: A job application at McDonald's. LOUISE: Would you like fries with that? PARIS: Hey, you know, not everybody can be smart. As my mother always says, somebody has to answer the phones. MADELINE: Ok, I have no idea what you two are talking about. PARIS: No, but Rory does. [as the three go in another direction] TRISTAN: Hey Mary. RORY: And it just keeps getting better. TRISTAN: Oh you look sad. RORY: I'm fine. TRISTAN: Bad grade? RORY: I have to go. TRISTAN: You know what Mary, [stopping her] see I can't figure out why we're not friends. I think it's because I make you nervous. RORY: I think it's because you can't learn my name. TRISTAN: Do you have a boyfriend? RORY: None of your business. TRISTAN: Is that a ‘no'? RORY: Is there no one else at this school you can bother? TRISTAN: See, I think you like me, you just don't know how to say it. RORY: Oh boy. TRISTAN: What are you doing Friday night? RORY: I'm busy. TRISTAN: What, you gotta be back at the convent by 5. RORY: Please leave me alone. TRISTAN: Well...since you said please [steps aside] Later...Mary. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Drella runs her harp into Michel.] MICHEL: Aah! You imbecil! DRELLA: Back off chevalier. MICHEL: You're stupid, blind and clumsy. DRELLA: Well at least I'm not French. LORELAI: Hey, what's going on? MICHEL: She ran over my shoe. DRELLA: He got in the way. MICHEL: You aimed for me. DRELLA: Yeah well. LORELAI: Ok, hold on. MICHEL: She scratched my shoes. DRELLA: What a baby. MICHEL: These are $300 Italian loafers. DRELLA: Wonder if Versace makes a pacifier. MICHEL: You're fired. LORELAI: Excuse me? DRELLA: You can't fire me. MICHEL: Then I dock your pay. LORELAI: Alright. MICHEL: Can I kill her. LORELAI: Not before high tea. MICHEL: Fine, then I will curse you constantly and in several languages. DRELLA: Going for the other foot. LORELAI: Oh no! Drella, to your corner now [Drella leaves] MICHEL: I win. LORELAI: Michel you're a grown man, now go to your desk and act like one. [Lorelai rifles through mail] LORELAI: Oh my God! [goes to kitchen] LORELAI: Sookie, Sookie. SOOKIE: Ok, ok, just a minute. LORELAI: I've got it. SOOKIE: The review? LORELAI: It's here. SOOKIE: Ooh, where it is? LORELAI: I'm looking. [Rory enters with tons of bags] LORELAI: Oh, behold in theaters now, the thing that reads a lot [Rory drops all the bags at once] RORY: Chocolate? SOOKIE: Glass measuring cup. Lorelai look, look. LORELAI: I'm sorry. RORY: Jeez, who's naked? LORELAI: Uh, Lucent Mills - food critic. RORY: Yeah? How's his butt? LORELAI: Oh, no. He's supposed to do a review of the restaurant - oh, here it is. SOOKIE: Is it - its it good? Is he mean, should I cry? LORELAI: Here we go. ‘The words divine, delectable and delirious don't begin to describe the delicious experience of dining at the Independence Inn.' Oh I'm smelling rave! SOOKIE: Really? LORELAI: ‘Only chef Sookie St. James can make a simple salad of hot house tomatoes and assorted fresh herbs seem like a religious experience. Her lobster bisque is worth every sinful cream filled rich sip' SOOKIE: See I don't use that much cream. I just use a very concentrated lobster stock and it really makes it - LORELAI: Sookie, he's not here. SOOKIE: Ok, go on. LORELAI: ‘The entrees are as heavenly as the starters. Though the much lauded risotto was perfectly fine, it was the simple handkerchief pasta with brown sage in a butter sauce that sent me through the roof' Sookie this is unbelievable! I'm going to have this framed for the dining room! SOOKIE: Oh, yeah. That'd be swell. Can I see that again? LORELAI: Yeah. So we should celebrate huh? [doing a little twisty dance step towards Rory] Girls on the town? RORY: I can't. I have to study. SOOKIE: You know I should really get started on this shopping list. LORELAI: What is going on here? We are young and fiery women. Studying? Shopping lists? Where's ‘to hell with it all'? Where's ‘Throwing caution to the wind'? Where's - oh shoot - the linen delivery [leaves] RORY: You go girl. CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE LORELAI: News is on. RORY: One sec. LORELAI: [to herself]For our top story tonight, a grisly horrible thing that happened in a small town where not grisly horrible things ever happen. Everyone's shocked. House slides down hill. Liposuction kills, stay fat. [turns off tv] Hey let's get ice cream. I'm bored. [goes into kitchen where Rory is studying] Hello? RORY: Mom, I'm studying. LORELAI: Yeah, but I'm talking ice cream. Can't you take a break? RORY: I can't take a break right now. LORELAI: Ok, when? RORY: Are you four? LORELAI: No, I'm hungry! RORY: Have some more pizza. LORELAI: It's cold. RORY: Heat it up. LORELAI: It's not the same. RORY: Lorelai go to your room! LORELAI: Wow, smart girls are mean. RORY: If you let me study now, I'll play with you this weekend. LORELAI: Promise. RORY: Yes, we can do anything you want. LORELAI: Will you go to the shoe sale with me. RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Will you let me try on anything I want. RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Will you help me push other people out of the way if they're going for my size? RORY: I'll even run interference for you. LORELAI: Alright, you've got a deal. [leaves kitchen] RORY: Good. LORELAI: [comes back in] So - I'm sorry - where did we land on the whole ice cream issue? [Rory gets up and goes to her room] LORELAI: What? CUT TO RORY ON HER WAY TO LANE'S [enters house] RORY: Lane?! LANE: Rory?! RORY: Right or left?! LANE: Left! [Rory goes left] RORY: I thought you said left! LANE: Sorry - my left, your right! RORY: Ok. Marco... LANE: Polo! RORY: Marco LANE: Polo! RORY: Hey Marco. LANE: Hey Polo, you're late. RORY: Sorry. What is that? LANE: 12 calories. RORY: Here [gives her a snickers] LANE: Oh my God bless you! [Rory pulls out a big binder] LANE: Man, what's that? RORY: My notes. LANE: Really? RORY: I don't think Shakespeare knew himself this well WOMAN: Ooh, I like, how much? MRS. KIM: $500 WOMAN: Is that the best you can do? MRS. KIM: $450 WOMAN: I'm not so sure [turns to leave] MRS. KIM: $375 and you take it right now. WOMAN: Sold MRS. KIM: We appreciate your business. [to girls] Move. RORY: [as they pack up their books] I really miss Stars Hollow High. LANE: You're kidding right? RORY: No. Chilton's just - I don't know, hard. LANE: What do you care? You were always miss everything-so-easy-at-school. This should be a snap for you. [They start to put their books down on a table] MRS. KIM: No, this is sold. Move. What's that? [at snickers] RORY: Oh, that's mine. MRS. KIM: That is chocolate covered death. RORY: With a creamy caramel surprise. [they move again] LANE: Um, so this guy asked about you today. RORY: What guy? LANE: The new kid - tall, perfect. RORY: What'd he want to know? LANE: Where you were. RORY: Well what'd you say? LANE: Oh I told him you were just too smart for us and that you had to go to the genius school. RORY: Oh. LANE: He really like that. I guess he must be into brainy chicks. RORY: Well I'll keep my eyes open for one for him. [putting stuff down on another table] MRS. KIM: No - sold. LANE: Mom. MRS. KIM: Move. LANE: Well where do you want us to go? MRS. KIM: Library. LANE: I hate sales! CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Drella is playing the harp] LORELAI: No Black Sabbath. DRELLA: No one is listening. LORELAI: No Black Sabbath, no Steely Dan, no Boston and no Queen. DRELLA: What happened to make you so cold? LORELAI: We like that Mozart [heads towards the kitchen.] DRELLA: I am the Artie Shaw of harpists. [Lorelai enters kitchen] LORELAI: Sookie, I need coffee to go. SOOKIE: [holding her head in her hands] There's fresh over there. LORELAI: Ooh, good. [picks up an empty pot] Fresh in my first lifetime as Joan of Arc. SOOKIE: Oh sorry. I thought I made fresh. Here. [pours water] LORELAI: Bless you. I'm so exhausted and I have to drive into Hartford tonight to go to a parent/teacher meeting. SOOKIE: [sadly] Sounds great. LORELAI: Yeah. This school is so different from Stars Hollow you know. They send home like a thousand pages of updates every week. It's a very intense place. SOOKIE: Uh - huh. LORELAI: Last week there was a huge debate over whether plaid scrunchies were acceptable head wear. People took sides, things got ugly, the scrunchie motion finally passed and I'd like to think I was the tie breaker. SOOKIE: That's nice. LORELAI: Hey, what's the matter sweetie? SOOKIE: He said it was fine. LORELAI: Who said it was fine. SOOKIE: Lucent Mills. LORELAI: The restaurant critic. SOOKIE: He said my risotto was fine. LORELAI: Well isn't it? SOOKIE: No it's not fine. Fine is a word you use when someone stops you on the street that you sort of know but you don't wanna talk to, so they ask you how you are and you say fine and that's just enough so they don't have to keep talking because they don't want to. And then they can feel good about themselves because they've been considerate enough to ask and then if God forbid something actually is wrong they'll actually sit down and take the time to listen, even though they don't want to. LORELAI: Sweetie, I don't think he meant ‘fine' as a slam or as a monologue. SOOKIE: He couldn't have meant it any other way. LORELAI: Sookie, I hate to see you get so upset over one little review. SOOKIE: This is pride Lorelai. I mean you know about this risotto. I mean on my mother's deathbed - LORELAI: You made the risotto and she lived three more years. SOOKIE: She was supposed to be dead. The doctor said she wouldn't make it through the night. LORELAI: And she lived because of the risotto - the magic risotto. SOOKIE: And this guy had the nerve to say it was ‘fine' LORELAI: I don't think he knew the story. SOOKIE: Urgh! [Jackson comes in] JACKSON: Ok, now before you get all goofy on me, I don't have your procini's. I forgot them. I don't have any other excuse other than plain old stupid human error. And I have the morels, which I know you don't want. So come on - let me have it. SOOKIE: Morels are fine. JACKSON: [putting box down] Did anyone else feel the shift in the space-time continuum? LORELAI: A reviewer didn't like the risotto. JACKSON: The magic risotto? You're kidding. LORELAI: Well, I gotta go, so try and cheer her up would you? JACKSON: Uh sure. LORELAI: [to Sookie] Sweetie please don't worry about it. Everyone knows you're the best. JACKSON: So, I hear the huckleberry crops are gonna totally suck this year! [Sookie just looks at him.] CUT TO CHILTON MAX: We are gonna be focusing on Elizabethan literature. Shakespeare, Marlowe, Bacon, Ben Jonson, John Webster - DAD #1: Yeah, is Marlowe really that significant? MAX: Well we wanna give as complete an overview as possible. MOM #1: Yes but will he be included on the Advance Placement test? MAX: Well we can't know exactly what will be on the AP test, but it will definitely be important for future studies when your kids hit their universities. DAD #1: But to get there, they need to pass the AP test. MAX: Right, well it's all important and it could all be on the test. MOM #2: How do we find out? MAX: Well you can bribe somebody on the AP committee [parents start to discuss amongst themselves] MAX: I was just kidding. I'm just kidding. [Lorelai enters] LORELAI: I'm so sorry. I had this terrible pot hole incident. And - you don't care. Please go on. [walks into globe] MAX: Whoa, whoa. LORELAI: What in the world? [attempt at a joke that no one laughs at] MAX: You ok? LORELAI: Uh huh. I'll just sit now. MAX: I don't think we've met. LORELAI: Oh, I'm Lorelai Gilmore - Rory's mom. MAX: Glad you could join us. [to parents] Rory is one of our new students. MOM #1: How nice. Now the AP test - MAX: Right well, we are preparing them as best we can [Lorelai serving herself some coffee] MOM: I've hired a tutor for Bethany. MAX: Always a valid option. LORELAI: Mmm. Jesus, Mary, Joseph and a camel [whispers] This is really bad coffee. [louder] So this AP test, what are we going to do about it huh? MAX: Well the next test is scheduled for next month, um, the 25th, Saturday at 7:00 am. [Lorelai raises her hand] Ms. Gilmore? LORELAI: Uh, where is the test? MAX: It will be given here. LORELAI: Here. MAX: Right. LORELAI: Great. MAX: Great, any other questions? LORELAI: Yeah, um, can parents come? MOM #1: What?! LORELAI: Yeah, it's a big exciting test. I just thought - I'm sorry is that stupid? MAX: No it's not stupid. LORELAI: I just thought I'd like to see the excitement. DAD #2: It's a test. LORELAI: Yeah I know. DAD #2: What's exciting about a test? LORELAI: Do you play golf? DAD #2: Yes I do. LORELAI: You explain yours, I'll explain mine. MAX: Ok, why don't we get back to the meeting. MOM #1 [to Mom #2] That's the one who voted for the scrunchies. MOM #2: Must be a scholarship student. LORELAI: Um excuse me - MAX: You know, I think this would be a good time for a break. There's coffee in the back. [Lorelai stand up by the black board] MAX: What were you gonna do - hit her? LORELAI: No, I just - I had some good verbal comebacks ready. [sips coffee] LORELAI: It - it just keeps getting worse. MAX: Well you know not drinking it is always an option. LORELAI: Not in my world. MAX: I'm Max Medina. LORELAI: Nice to meet you. MAX: I apologize for the behaviors of some of our guests tonight. It's a tense time for some people. LORELAI: The SAT season? MAX: The waking hours. [Lorelai giggles] LORELAI: Hey, are you this nice to my kid? MAX: Yeah, it's easy. Rory's a sweet girl. LORELAI: Yeah she is, she is. MAX: [pulling her aside] How is she liking Chilton? LORELAI: Oh, she loves it. MAX: Really? LORELAI: Oh yeah. I mean it's an adjustment of course, but she's always wanted to go to Harvard and this is how she'll get there. MAX: Harvard? LORELAI: Yeah. Ever since she could crawl, I've really wanted her to go there. MAX: It's a great school. LORELAI: I actually bought her a Harvard sweatshirt when she was 4, which of course was way too big for her, so she used it as a blanket for a while and then as a make shift diaper on this really ill-fated shopping trip and now I've told you a story that would so mortify her, she'll kill me when she finds out you know. MAX: Don't tell her then. It'll be our secret. LORELAI: Well I appreciate that. MAX: So are you a B-52's girl? LORELAI: What? [looks at her shirt and giggles] No, I'm a klutz girl who should not drive with a coffee in her hand. I, uh, had it in the car. MAX: You know I hope Rory adjust to this place. We need her here. LORELAI: Thank you. That's so nice. MAX: And I hope she's not too disappointed about her paper. Because it's very hard to catch up on all that reading material. I know a ‘D' seems pretty dismal - LORELAI: Rory got a ‘D'? MAX: Yeah, but - LORELAI: She's never gotten a ‘D'. MAX: It's the first paper she's had to turn in, she's bound to falter a little. LORELAI: Oh man, this totally explains the ‘no ice cream' thing. God I'm such and idiot! MAX: The ice cream thing? LORELAI: Look, I-I've gotta go. MAX: Well I'm sorry if I've said something to offend you. LORELAI: Oh no-no-no-no. It's just that if Rory got a ‘D', she's not feeling too good right now and I'd really like to be there. MAX: I understand. LORELAI: So, it was nice meeting you. MAX: You too. LORELAI: Um, keep up the good work. MAX: I will. LORELAI: Don't ever make coffee ever again. MAX: I won't I promise. Oh - [Lorelai almost walks into globe again.] LORELAI: Oh, ha ha ha. Thanks. [grabs purse] Bye. MAX: Bye. CUT TO LUKE'S [Rory's sitting at a table, tries to write but the tip of her pencil breaks. She throws it in frustration.] LUKE: Here. RORY: What's that? LUKE: You look like you need pie. RORY: I do? LUKE: Violent pencil tossing usually signals the need for pie. RORY: What if I'd thrown a pen? LUKE: I would've brought you a trout. RORY: What? LUKE: I don't make the rules, I just carry them out. [Lorelai comes in] LORELAI: Hey, Backwards baseball hat - new look for you. [looks at Rory] She's eating pie? Did she even have dinner? LUKE: You raised her, I just serve. [Lorelai goes and sits with Rory] LORELAI: Oh hello, bookworm. RORY: Finally, where were you? LORELAI: Well, um, actually I was in Hartford. RORY: Why? LORELAI: I was there for the... [signals Rory to finish the sentence] RORY: Parent/teacher meeting. Oh, my God. I forgot. LORELAI: It went very well. I was extremely charming. I won the whole crowd over. They made me queen. RORY: So I guess you talked to Mr. Medina. LORELAI: Mm-hm. Why did you let me whine about ice cream and shoe sales when you had something major going on? RORY: I know. LORELAI: I hate when I'm an idiot and I don't even know it. I like to be aware of my idiocy - to really revel in it, take pictures. I feel we missed a prime Christmas card opportunity. RORY: I'm sorry. LORELAI: You should've told me. RORY: I couldn't. LORELAI: You couldn't tell me? You tell me everything. RORY: It was too humiliating. LORELAI: Oh, honey, you once told me that you loved ‘Saved by the Bell'. What could be more humiliating than that.? RORY: I couldn't form the words. I couldn't even say it. I couldn't even comprehend it. It was a ‘D'. I got a ‘D', I've never gotten a ‘D' - ever. LORELAI: I know. RORY: Even when I broke my arm and couldn't write for a month, I still got an ‘A-‘ LORELAI: That was a different school. RORY: I know. It was Stars Hollow High. A ‘D' at Stars Hollow is like an ‘F' at Chilton. It's worse, it's like a ‘G' or a ‘W'. LORELAI: So I'm guessing the spelling test didn't go well either? RORY: A ‘D'. I suck. LORELAI: You don't suck. RORY: I can't do this. LORELAI: Listen, a ‘D' is bad, ok. But all this talk about ‘I suck' and ‘I can't do this' and self pity - that's worse. That's not you. You didn't feel sorry for yourself when it took you three months to learn how to ride a bike, and you won't now. RORY: Four months. LORELAI: Huh? RORY: It took me four months LORELAI: Really? Four months? RORY: Yeah, you wanna belabor the conversation? LORELAI: Alright, forget about the bike. Listen, a ‘D' is one grade. It's not the end of the world. You'll catch up, you'll do better. You are of hardy stubborn stock, my dear. If there's one thing I gave you, it's my stubbornness. RORY: I'm not stubborn. LORELAI: Yes you are. RORY: No I'm not. LORELAI: Fine you're not. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: You're welcome. You can do this Rory and I will help you. I will get you through this, now put that ‘D' behind you. Now what's next? RORY: I have a test on Friday. LORELAI: Ooh a test! Great! RORY: It's on Shakespeare. LORELAI: Bard with a beard - love it! RORY: It's worth 20% of my grade. LORELAI: Just makes life interesting. Now what do we have to do to get you an ‘A' on that test. RORY: Do you really think I can do this? LORELAI: I bet you a dollar. RORY: That's it? That's all my future's worth - one dollar. LORELAI: Well you did get a ‘D'. [Rory chuckles] CUT TO CHILTON [Rory is sitting on a bench reading. Paris comes up behind her] PARIS: ‘Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments, love is not love which alters when it alterations finds or bends with the remover to remove - oh no! It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. It is the star to every wandering bark who worth's unknown although his height be taken' You're going down. CUT TO INN KITCHEN. LORELAI: Hey, Sookie, do you know what the menu's gonna be - [ Sookie shoves risotto into her mouth] SOOKIE: Good? LORELAI: Hot. SOOKIE: Wait, I got another one [shoves more into Lorelai's mouth.] Better? LORELAI: Hotter! SOOKIE: Wait, I got one more - one more [shoves more into her mouth again] LORELAI: Sookie! What's with all the risotto? Have we gone ‘theme' now? Ooh, is it gonna be like the scotch tape store? SOOKIE: Look, I've made 40 recipes, ok, 40. And every single time I come back to the same conclusion. LORELAI: That you're is better? SOOKIE: Yes! LORELAI: It is! [Waiter, Brian, comes into the kitchen.] BRIAN: You were looking for me? SOOKIE: Yes, great! Three weeks ago, guy comes in, Lucent Mills, orders the risotto, doesn't like it. BRIAN: The magic risotto? You're kidding. LORELAI: Not helping. SOOKIE: He's a restaurant critic. He ordered lots of things - probably didn't finish them. Now in his review he said his waiter had a goatee. Now you've got a goatee, and so you waited on him and I need info. BRIAN: Well what did he look like? SOOKIE: Like he's unhappy with the risotto! Or maybe he had an annoying table companion with him that wouldn't let him concentrate on what he was eating. BRIAN: Well I serve a lot of people. SOOKIE: He had a beard, or false teeth, or wig, or those glasses with a big nose. BRIAN: [to Lorelai] May I be fired now? LORELAI: Absolutely. [Brian leaves, Sookie follows] SOOKIE: What about a guy with an annoying companion and a fake wig who was sitting underneath an air conditioning vent next to a woman with too much perfume on?!? [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE LORELAI: ‘The Comedy of Errors' - written? RORY: 1590 LORELAI: Published? RORY: 1698 LORELAI: Ooh 1623 - close RORY: How is 1623 close? LORELAI: You got the ‘16' part right. RORY: I was off by 75 years LORELAI: Well anything under 100 years is close. RORY: What kind of rule is that? LORELAI: I'm running the study session here. Ok. Richard III? RORY: 1591 LORELAI: [Makes buzzer sound] RORY: '93? LORELAI: [Makes buzzer sound] RORY: '96? LORELAI: [Makes buzzer sound] RORY: Ok, that's getting really annoying now LORELAI: [Makes small buzzer sound] [Pan to later the save evening] [Lorelai comes into living room with coffee] LORELAI: Go on, I'm listening. RORY: The sonnets are 154 poems of 14 lines LORELAI: Except? RORY: Except for 126 which is 12 lines. LORELAI: Good. RORY: They are written in iambic pentameter. LORELAI: Except? RORY: Except 145 which is in tetrameter. LORELAI: Rock on sister. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Not one mistake. RORY: Wow. LORELAI: How do you feel? RORY: Nauseous. LORELAI: Yeah well, I don't think the fries and the horseradish sauce was the best idea we ever had. RORY: It was satisfying in the moment though LORELAI: I think you're going to blow that class away tomorrow. RORY: You think? LORELAI: I think. What do you say we call it a night and get some beauty sleep? RORY: You go, I wanna review my notes one more time. LORELAI: Oh that's ok, I'll stay up. RORY: [ as she goes into the kitchen] Mom, go to sleep. LORELAI: No, I'm not even tired. I was just thinking of you. [Pan to later that night, Rory goes into the living room and finds Lorelai asleep on the couch. She covers her with a blanket and goes back to the kitchen. Later that night, Lorelai wakes up and goes into the kitchen to find Rory asleep at the table. She sits down and puts the blanket around Rory as well and falls asleep as well.] [Pan to morning] RORY: No! Oh no! [Rory runs into her room] LORELAI: Oh jeez [lifting her head] Such a bad sleeping idea. RORY: I'm late! LORELAI: What? RORY: I'm late, I'm late. I woke up late! LORELAI: Rory calm down. RORY: I can't calm down! I missed my bus! Get up. LORELAI: Sweetie, mommy can't get up right now. Mommy's been sleeping at a right angle all night. RORY: I'm gonna miss the test! [comes out with her uniform over her t-shirt and jogging pants, putting on her shoes] LORELAI: No you're not [Shoves a binder into Rory's school bag and give it to her] I'll get the keys. We'll go right now. Let's go! Let's go! [grabs her purse] Oh! I can't take you! RORY: You have to! LORELAI: I have a meeting at the inn at 8! RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Ok, wait. Ok. Think, listen. Here, you drive. RORY: What?! LORELAI: Yeah, you drive. I'll get a ride with Sookie. Take the phone, take the keys, go! RORY: Are you sure? LORELAI: Go, go, go, go! RORY: I'm gone! LORELAI: Good luck! CUT TO RORY DRIVING [She stops at a stop sign and calls Lane who's listening to music] LANE: Hello? RORY: Did I leave a set of my notes at your house yesterday? LANE: Where are you? RORY: I'm driving to school. I need to check something and I can't find some of my notes. LANE: Ok, hold on let me check [comes out of her closet and looks around her room] I don't see anything. RORY: What did I do with them? LANE: Well, maybe it's downstairs in the store? RORY: Maybe I just - [loud bang and car moved] RORY: Oh my God! LANE: Are you alright? RORY: I just got hit by a deer. LANE: You hit a deer? RORY: No! I got hit by a deer! LANE: How do you get hit by a deer? RORY: I was at a stop sign and he just hit me! Oh my God! [Getting out to look for deer] LANE: Was it a 4-way stop? RORY: What does that matter? LANE: I don't know. I don't know what to ask after you've been hit by a deer. RORY: I don't see him. LANE: Well put salt down. Deers love salt. RORY: Where am I gonna get salt from? LANE: Do you have a lunch? RORY: Lane? LANE: Sorry. RORY: I don't see him any where. [as she tries to take off her jogging pants] What if he's hurt. LANE: Rory your test RORY: What time is it? LANE: It's 7:40 RORY: No! [runs back to the car with one pant leg on, one off.] CUT TO CHILTON [Rory's running down the hall pulling her socks up, taking out her ponytail ad tucking in her shirt] [Enters classroom] RORY: I'm sorry. MAX: Everyone back to your tests. Miss Gilmore you're gonna have to wait in the library. RORY: But what about the test? MAX: I'm afraid you've missed the test. RORY: No. MAX: We start class promptly at 8:05 RORY: No. MAX: That's when I need people to be in their seats. RORY: Please. MAX: I'm sorry but it's the rules. RORY: But you don't understand! I was up all night studying and then I missed my bus so I had to drive-- MAX: Let's discuss this outside. RORY: So I'm driving down this road and I stop and I get hit by a deer. MAX: You hit a deer? RORY: No I got hit by a deer. You don't believe me? I've got antler prints on the side of my mother's car. MAX: Rory, come on. RORY: No! You have to let me take this test. I'm ready for this test. I know everything there is to know about Shakespeare. MAX: Ok, ok, you have to calm down now. RORY: I know his birthday and his mothers name and that kind of - PARIS: [whispers to Louise] Loser. RORY: [turning around to her] And just what is wrong with you huh?! You already have everything! You already have the grades and the status. What the hell is wrong with you that you have this constant need to be the biggest jerk in the entire world?! MAX: Ok, let's go. RORY: Huh?! What's ?! What's up quippy?! Why so silent? MAX: Outside - now [walks by Tristan who's smiling] RORY: And for the last time - the name's RORY! [storms out.] CUT TO INN LORELAI: Make sure that carpet is replaced perfectly before they go MICHEL: Ok. LORELAI: I mean perfectly. Nailed down and everything. MICHEL: Oh you mean that perfectly. Oh I thought you meant the other perfectly. You know the one that could be misinterpreted by the other Michel. You know the one who couldn't understand what you meant by perfectly. [Lorelai closes book and leaves] DRELLA: Hey what do you think about Pat Benatar? LORELAI: Great idea, can she play the harp? SOOKIE: Whoo! Whoo-hoo! [Sookie is dancing around in the kitchen] I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! [Lorelai comes in] I found it, I found it! LORELAI: You found what? SOOKIE: His bill! I found his bill! LORELAI: What are you talking about? SOOKIE: It wasn't the risotto, it was the wine! He ordered the wrong wine! LORELAI: Oh, well great! SOOKIE: See in the review, he mentioned something about a summer tomato salad which I've only made once in the last 3 weeks because Jackson of course decides to get into a fist fight with his tomato grower - that's a different story. LORELAI: Yes - save it for Christmas time. SOOKIE: So Brian, the goatee waiter, only worked one shift last week because his girlfriend kicked him out and he had to move. LORELAI: Celia kicked him out? SOOKIE: Well, he didn't want kids. LORELAI: But she knew that when they moved in. SOOKIE: Women always think they can change men. LORELAI: Yeah. SOOKIE: So anyhow, I checked the dates, I narrowed the day down and I found a party that had ordered practically everything on the menu including - LORELAI: The magic risotto! SOOKIE: Yes, the risotto and a riesling. Ha! A riesling LORELAI: Why not just drink battery acid. SOOKIE: Exactly! Changes the entire flavor of the dish. And the fact that Brian even served it makes me think Celia is a little bit better off without him. LORELAI: I'm so glad hon, oh! [they hug giggling] [Jackson comes in] JACKSON: Ok, here are the zucchinis [Sookie takes one and looks at it] SOOKIE: Too small, take'em away! JACKSON: Oh, it's good to have her back huh LORELAI: Yeah. JACKSON: Yeah [pause] You're still gonna have to pay for the zucchini [Lorelai smiles. Turns to go as Michel comes in] MICHEL: There is a man with a funny accent on the phone asking for you. LORELAI: Really? Did you guys exchange the secret handshake? [giggles with Jackson] Lorelai here [into the phone] CUT TO CHILTON LORELAI: Rory what happened? RORY: I got hit by a deer. LORELAI: You got what? RORY: And then I was late and they wouldn't let me take the test. LORELAI: [gasps] What?! RORY: They wouldn't let me take the test so I - LORELAI: Oh no you're kidding me? RORY: Mom... LORELAI: No, it's ok. Just sit right here, I'll handle this. [Goes into Headmaster Charleston's office. Pan to inside Headmaster's office] LORELAI: Excuse me. Hello. CHARLESTON: Ms. Gilmore. Please come in. LORELAI: Thank you. CHARLESTON: Have a seat. LORELAI: Um, I think there's been a terrible mistake. Rory told me that she wasn't allowed to take her test. CHARLESTON: She was late. LORELAI: Right, well, see there were circumstances beyond her control. Rory is never late. She's almost annoyingly on time. I think if you checked your records - CHARLESTON: Past performance has nothing to do with today's situation. LORELAI: Ok, but see, she was up all night studying, I was there, she has a witness. CHARLESTON: She's not on trial here. LORELAI: Well your honor [pause] just a little trial humor, that won't happen again. Um, see, she got up late, she broke her neck to get here. We don't like locally as you know. CHARLESTON: The dog at my homework - LORELAI: Excuse me? CHARLESTON: My computer crashed and I lost my midterm. LORELAI: I wasn't making excuses. CHARLESTON: My grandmother and 1st cousin died. My sister took my report to school instead of hers, my religion prohibits studying after sundown. I went blind last night but I'm fine now. LORELAI: That's not Rory. CHARLESTON: [getting up] Ms. Gilmore, rules are rules. When you're late, you forfeit the right to take the test. LORELAI: Where are you going? [to Max] Where is he going? MAX: Lorelai please, believe me if I could do anything I would. LORELAI: Yes, you could let her take the test. MAX: I'm afraid I can't. LORELAI: Well that's not fair. CHARLESTON: Ms. Gilmore, we are not here to be fair, we are here to educate. LORELAI: Yes and I'm asking you to please educate my kid. CHARLESTON: We will, when she's on time. Have a nice day. LORELAI: Are you holding that door open for a reason? CHARLESTON: Our meeting is over. LORELAI: Like hell it is. MAX: Lorelai. LORELAI: Do you have any idea what we have gone through this week? We have been up all night every night studying. We haven't slept. We haven't talked about anything else except this school and this test for seven days. We have stretched ourselves as thin as humanly possible without going completely postal. My God! We're only one person! CHARLESTON: Why don't we narrow our field conversation down to Rory. LORELAI: Ok, yeah, why don't we. You sit up here in your snotty little school that's in desperate need of some extra heating vents and you nurture horrible kids who treat each other like mortal enemies. You set impossible standards that make normal people feel less than everyone else. And you take a great kid like Rory and you tear her apart! MAX: I don't think that's completely fair. LORELAI: [to Max] And you! You say she's smart and she'll be fine and this rotting stodgy rathole could use somebody like her and then you completely shut her out of a test that she's crammed for, that she's ready for, that she completely deserves to take! MAX: I didn't call this place a ‘rathole' LORELAI: Oh no that's true. I added that. Wouldn't want you to get in trouble with ‘Il duce' here. I thought this place was going to be so great! And now I guess this goes on the ‘Boy was I wrong' list, right above gauchos but just below the ‘Flashdance' phase. CHARLESTON: My goodness you do like to throw fits in your family. LORELAI: What are you talking about? CHARLESTON: Your daughter threw a similar if not as manic fit of her own this morning. LORELAI: Please. Rory doesn't throw fits. She's the most even tempered person I know. CHARLESTON: Well then, she did a lovely impression of you. LORELAI: Well I don't - CHARLESTON: Ms. Gilmore, everything you said in your rant was absolutely true - without the colorful embellishments of course. We do set impossible standards, and such standards do foster highly competitive children. However that is life and that is Chilton. LORELAI: Rules can change, you can change them. CHARLESTON: I told your daughter when she came here that this place was not for everyone and might not be for her. I will now tell you the same thing. She doesn't have to be here. She doesn't have to go to Harvard, maybe she shouldn't if she can't handle the pressure, she should leave. Now you can take your daughter home now and decide what it is you intend to do. However, another outburst from either of you will not be on the options list. Thank you for coming in. That will be all. CUT TO HALLWAY LORELAI: You got hit by a deer? [Pan to outside] LORELAI: You did! You got hit by a deer. RORY: It just came out of nowhere. LORELAI: You couldn't just run into a wall like other kids. RORY: Can we just go home please. LORELAI: Yeah, sure. Jump in. CUT TO SOOKIE OUTSIDE OF LUCENT MILLS HOUSE LUCENT: May I help you? SOOKIE: Yes, hello [with her back to him] My name is Sookie St. James, I'm the chef at the Independence Inn. LUCENT: I know who you are. SOOKIE: You do? Well, I'm flattered, you write about a lot of chefs - LUCENT: What are you doing here? SOOKIE: Right. Well I know that this is a terrible intrusion but - are you cooking? LUCENT: I'm making chicken. SOOKIE: You used too much salt. LUCENT: I did not SOOKIE: Well it smells salty. LUCENT: I'm closing the door. SOOKIE: No wait. I found out your address from my network of culinary friends - LUCENT: Look, this is really inappropriate. I gave you a good review, I suggest you go home. SOOKIE: I don't care about the review. I just - I want you to try this disk, with this wine [handing them to him still with her back turned] I'll wait. CUT TO LORELAI AND RORY DRIVING HOME LORELAI: Quite a day huh? RORY: I don't wanna talk - please. LORELAI: You know, I just think that we should talk about it. RORY: Stop the car. LORELAI: What? RORY: Here - stop here. [jumps out] LORELAI: You're just feeling like an impromptu nature walk? RORY: I wanna see if it's ok. LORELAI: If what's ok? RORY: The deer. LORELAI: Sweetie you're never gonna find the deer. RORY: Well I'm gonna try. LORELAI: Well I'm in heels! RORY: Well stay in the car. LORELAI: It's dangerous in the car with all the kamikaze deer running around [getting out of car] RORY: I have to find it. LORELAI: Alright, wait up! So what does the deer look like? Huh? Does it have any distinguishing marks - besides the word ‘Jeep' imprinted on it's forehead. RORY: It's just a deer. LORELAI: I had a nice chat with Headmaster Charleston today. He said you went ballistic in class. RORY: I was just tired. LORELAI: You wouldn't have been so tired if you hadn't been killing yourself all week. RORY: I was studying, I didn't have a choice. LORELAI: Well maybe you shouldn't be studying that hard. RORY: What are you talking about? LORELAI: You're 16. You should get some sleep and eat a real meal and come up for air once in a while. RORY: They kicked me out. LORELAI: No, of course not. They love you. This is coming from me. RORY: Are you saying I should quit? LORELAI: I'm saying, if you wanted to go back to your other school with Lane, that would be fine with me. RORY: You don't think I can do it. LORELAI: You know that's not true. I think you can do anything. But you don't lose it in class. That's not part of the Rory personality description and if you're losing it in class because you're tired or stressed or working to hard, I'm worried about that. I have to be. RORY: I lost it once. LORELAI: Ok, fine. It's just I can't remember, you know, a time when we weren't talking about you going to Harvard. It was just a given, that what we were working for. Everything went in that direction. RORY: I know. LORELAI: And I'm forgetting where all that started. RORY: What are you talking about? LORELAI: I'm talking about - did it start with me? Or did it start with you? Was it my dream that you go to Harvard. RORY: Mom. [shaking her head] LORELAI: Because I never got to do the big fancy college thing? Maybe all this time I'm thinking it's all for Rory, when really it wasn't. RORY: I'm not doing this because of you. LORELAI: Because if you are, you don't have to. RORY: I know that. LORELAI: I'll still love you. Even if you can't support me in my old age in the fabulous manner to which I plan on growing accustomed. RORY: I'll remember that generous gesture. LORELAI: Thank you. I just want you to be happy. RORY: I am. LORELAI: No, I want you to be ‘dancing through the woods crazy' happy. And if Chilton and Harvard is not gonna do that for you, then forget about them. RORY: I was just behind. I never caught up with all the reading. That's why I got a ‘D'. I can catch up. I will catch up and when I do, everything will be fine. LORELAI: Rory. RORY: You know Harvard is my dream. I want it more than anything, I swear LORELAI: Yeah but - RORY: I appreciate all that you're saying. I do. But I'm not ready to give up on Chilton yet. LORELAI: Fair enough. RORY: I do however reserve the right to change my mind. LORELAI: That's your prerogative as long as you remain a woman. RORY: Thanks though. LORELAI: For what? RORY: For yelling at the Headmaster the way you did. LORELAI: Oh, I didn't yell at him. RORY: You called him ‘il duce' LORELAI: Which means ‘kind sir' in Cantonese. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: You're welcome. How much longer are we gonna look for this crazy deer? RORY: Just a little further. I just hope he didn't hurt himself. LORELAI: I just hope he has insurance. CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE LORELAI: Go get that plaid skirt off and grab your books, we're going to Luke's. RORY: Don't you have to get back to work? LORELAI: Ah, they can last a little while longer without me. Plus Michel gets so cute when he feels like he's been overworked. His ears puff out, his nostrils flare, big fun. Go. RORY: I'm gone. [Phone rings, lets machine pick up] LORELAI: [voice on answering machine] It's us, we're not here. We have a life, get over it. [Lorelai closes books in the living room as she listens to the message, then sits on the couch] MAX: Hi this is a message for Rory. It's Max Medina calling. I just wanted to say that I talked to Headmaster Charleston or ‘il duce' as he's more affectionately know at the Gilmore household, and he's agreed to let you do some extra credit work to help make up for the missed test today. Now I'm not sure what the extra credit work is yet, but it probably will be time consuming and extremely painful. It will however get you back up to where you rightfully belong Rory, don't lose heart. Make this work. And if you're mother is listening, Lorelai it was a pleasure encountering you. I hope it happens again. Anyways, see you in class. Bye.

Plan: A: Rory; Q: Who receives the first "D" of her life? A: the upcoming exam; Q: What is Rory studying for? A: all hours; Q: How long did Rory and Lorelai stay up studying? A: every detail; Q: What do Rory and Lorelai review about Shakespeare? A: Shakespeare; Q: What author do Rory and Lorelai study? A: the big test; Q: What does Rory miss? A: a meltdown; Q: What does Rory have after missing her test? A: the parent-teacher meeting; Q: What does Lorelai meet Mr. Medina at? Summary: Rory receives the first "D" of her life, pushing her to study like crazy for the upcoming exam. She and Lorelai stay up all hours reviewing every detail about Shakespeare, only to over-sleep, causing Rory to miss the big test. Rory has a meltdown, telling off both Tristan and Paris in the process. Meanwhile, Lorelai meets Mr. Medina at the parent-teacher meeting and tells off the headmaster after Rory's meltdown.

KILGHARRAH: In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name: Merlin. [FOREST] [Arthur, Merlin and the knights ride back to Camelot from a hunting trip. Merlin has a crossbow over his shoulder and a blanket around his shoulders.] ARTHUR: I think it's been a good trip. MORDRED: Yeah, we all caught something. GWAINE: Including Merlin. [He laughs.] ARTHUR: What did he catch? MERLIN: A cold! LEON: If you learnt to track, you'd enjoy it more. MERLIN: I'm the best tracker here. [Percival holds a hand up to stop everyone. He dismounts, and removes his cloak. Arthur takes his cloak off and dismounts. Percival draws his sword, walks to something on the ground and bends down. He pulls a crossbow bolt out of the dirt. The others and Merlin dismount. Arthur draws his sword as Percival keeps on following the trail. Merlin catches up to Arthur with the crossbow in hand.] MERLIN: Arthur, what is it? A deer? [He makes the crossbow ready.] A boar? PERCIVAL: Arthur. [They come upon a raided camp.] MERLIN: Saxons. [There are dead Camelot knights. Mordred and Leon look around. There's an over turned carriage. Leon closes the eyes of one of the knights and glances around. Gwaine knocks a mace off of a box.] ARTHUR: They were after the cargo. Weapons bound for Camelot. [Mordred walks off in direction and Merlin watches him go.] MERLIN: Morgana. GWAINE: This close to the city walls? ARTHUR: Check for survivors. [Mordred looks up, looks back at the ground then does a double take. He sees someone run from behind a tree. He takes off after the person. Arthur and Merlin notice. Merlin takes off after him. Arthur signals the knights to move out. Mordred continues to follow cloaked the person. They fall and he comes up behind them. The person rolls over to face him as he points his sword. Mordred recongizes the woman.] MORDRED: Kara? Go! [He whispers more urgently.] Kara, go! [Merlin comes up as Mordred starts to turn around. He sees Kara run through the trees. Arthur and the others come up as Mordred walks back.] ARTHUR: What happened? MORDRED: I thought I saw someone. I was wrong. Probably a deer. ARTHUR: Are you sure? MORDRED: Yeah. ARTHUR: Move out. [Mordred looks back at the way that Kara ran. He starts to follow the others and stops when he sees Merlin standing there. They share a look before Mordred continues on. Merlin looks back at where he saw Kara disappearing then moves his gaze to where Mordred went.] OPENING CREDITS [KING'S PALACE- PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS] [Gaius is grounding herbs together. Merlin walks away from the table after putting a bottle on the table. He has Gaius's medicine bag.] GAIUS: I don't want that. I want lungwort! MERLIN: Maybe it's in the...thing. [He sets the bag down on the other table and goes about getting it ready.] GAIUS: What is it, Merlin? What's the matter? MERLIN: Mordred. [He sits on the bench.] GAIUS: You're worrying about what the sorceress told you. MERLIN: Finna was right. I must not trust Mordred. GAIUS: He's a loyal knight. He's proved it time after time. MERLIN: He's beguiled you. He's beguiled you all. GAIUS: You're wrong, Merlin. MERLIN: When we were out on patrol, a Saxon escaped and Mordred let him. GAIUS: Are you sure? MERLIN: Saw him. GAIUS: There must be a simple explanation. MERLIN: I can't believe that, Gaius. Not after all I've told. GAIUS: He's fond of the King. The feeling is mutual. They've become great friends. MERLIN: That's my fear. Arthur's blind to him. I'm not. I won't make that same mistake. [Gaius takes a deep breathe and releases it knowing there is nothing else to say.] GAIUS: We've patients waiting. [Merlin gets up and follows Gaius to the door. Gaius turns to Merlin as he opens the door.] GAIUS: Have you got everything? MERLIN: Yes. GAIUS: [He looks at Merlin and notices that he doesn't have the medicine bag.] Merlin? [Merlin points to Gaius's shoulder, down at his hand and realizes that the bag is still on the table. He tsks and runs to get the bag. He puts the cover on as he leaves.] [Gaius and Merlin walk down the corridor. Mordred is hiding behind a door and when they are past he goes into the physician's chambers. He looks around before going to a shelf , he looks through the vials and grabs two. He holds them behind his back and leaves.] [KING'S PALACE- COURTYARD] [A guard walks by. Mordred sneaks behind another one, grabs a torch, puts out the flame and leaves. He goes back to where the upturned carriage is and relights the torch using flints. He grabs the torch and stands up. Mordred closes his eyes and calls to Kara using telepathy.] MORDRED: Kara. [He turns to his left and listens.] KARA: [Softly] Mordred? [Louder] Mordred. [Mordred opens his eyes and turns around. He starts walking in the direction of her voice.] KARA: Mordred. [He snaps a branch.] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Leon is looking at a map. Arthur is standing next to him.] LEON: We believe they approached from the gorge at Westhay and tracked the ridgeline all the way through to the ford at Rushwick. ARTHUR: We can't allow our supply routes to become vulnerable. I want extra patrols dispatched to the west and the north of the Citadel. LEON: We ride at first light. [Leon heads to the door. Before he opens it Arthur stops him.] ARTHUR: Leon. I need not remind you we're at war. [Leon nods and leaves. Gwen walks up.] GWEN: What's troubling you? ARTHUR: Morgana's men attacked only a few leagues away from the Citadel. GWEN: She is brazen. ARTHUR: She does not fear us. GWEN: Then she's more foolish than I thought. ARTHUR: She has sorcery on her side. GWEN: And you have the strength and love of your people, Arthur. When you became King, you gave them something to fight for. That's the most powerful weapon of all. [She touches his arm and he smiles at her.] [FOREST] [Mordred finds Kara on a pile of leaves in a secluded little nook. He walks to her, sets the torch down and hugs her.] KARA: Could you believe...? MORDRED: No. [She pulls back and looks at him.] KARA: If it hadn't been you... MORDRED: I know. MORDRED: Your leg? KARA: It isn't deep. [He takes his bag off.] MORDRED: Let me see. [He looks at the wound then back up at her.] I'll clean it. [He pulls the vials out the bag and holds them up.] These will help it heal. [He starts to doctor her leg.] KARA: What're we going to do? MORDRED: I'm going to help you get better. KARA: You're a knight. MORDRED: That doesn't matter. KARA: Of Camelot. Why, Mordred? MORDRED: Arthur is a good man. KARA: I can't believe you'd say that. MORDRED: You don't know him. KARA: He's your friend? MORDRED: Yes. [She can't believe it.] KARA: Does he know who you are? You're a druid. You don't belong in Camelot. MORDRED: I believe in Arthur. You'll see. One day, it will change. You're safe here. [He puts a hand on her cheek.] No one will harm you, I promise. [He puts his other hand on her other cheek while she puts a hand on his his. They press their foreheads together.] [KING'S PALACE- CORRIDOR] [Mordred walks down a corridor. Merlin is leaning against a door waiting for him.] MERLIN: Where've you been? MORDRED: Nowhere. MERLIN: You're lying. MORDRED: What right have YOU to question me? [Merlin shrugs] MORDRED: Why are you doing this? Everything I do you think the worst. [Merlin moves to stand in front of him.] MERLIN: I saw you let a Saxon go. Maybe I should tell Arthur. MORDRED: Merlin, she's a druid. I knew her. She was wounded. What could I do? Let her be captured? She had an arrow in her leg. She cannot walk! MERLIN: You're taking a risk. MORDRED: I can't let her die. She's... someone... I can't explain. MERLIN: Where is she? MORDRED: She needs a few days. [Merlin huffs.] She'll be gone, she means no harm. Please you mustn't tell anyone. You know if Arthur catches her she'll be killed. Please, Merlin, I beg you. [He whispers] She's one of us. Promise me. MERLIN: Your secret is safe with me. You have my word. ARTHUR: Merlin! [Merlin turns his head to look over his shoulder and Mordred leaves. Arthur comes down another corridor and turns when he sees Merlin standing in the doorway. He walks toward him slowly.] ARTHUR: What ARE you doing? MERLIN: I'm like a swan. [He turns around to face Arthur.] It seems like I'm not doing anything, but there's a lot of work going on underneath. ARTHUR: Hm. Interesting. I see you more as a headlouse. MERLIN: Right... ARTHUR: Useless. Irritating. Come on. We've got a patrol to mount. [Merlin follows Arthur then pauses a second and glances back at the way that Mordred went.] [FOREST] [Arthur and Merlin lead their horses through the woods. Arthur ties his horse to a tree and walks ahead. Merlin stays back.] ARTHUR: [Arthur sees something.] Merlin! Here. [Merlin walks up.] It's all about staying alert. What do you see? MERLIN: I see a pair of breeches that need cleaning. ARTHUR: Come and have a look. Closer. [He pushes Merlin to the ground.] ARTHUR: Now what do you see? MERLIN: Brilliant. [He stands up brushing dirt off.] Two pairs of breeches that need cleaning. ARTHUR: On the branch! MERLIN: It's broken. ARTHUR: What does that tell you? MERLIN: Something left the trail. [Merlin looks up and stares at something. Arthur keeps on looking around.] ARTHUR: It's recent. MERLIN: An animal. ARTHUR: You think so? MERLIN: A deer. ARTHUR: Would have to be a big one. MERLIN: With very big antlers. ARTHUR: What makes you say that? MERLIN: Because its looking at us. [Arthur finally stops looking at the ground and glances up. They see the deer.] MERLIN: Its... all about keeping alert. [Arthur sees something in the mud. Merlin looks at him, nudges his arm..] MERLIN: Come on. [Arthur walks forward and sees a bootprint in the mud.] ARTHUR: That's not a deer. [They follow the trail back to the carriage.] ARTHUR: Merlin. [He points to bootprints in the mud.] MERLIN: They're from when we were here yesterday. ARTHUR: It was dry yesterday, it rained last night. These marks are fresh. MERLIN: Our men have been patrolling this area night and day. It's probably one of them. ARTHUR: Who? I had their reports. No one's been through here. [Arthur follows the trail that Mordred left. Merlin follows. Arthur draws his sword as they come upon Kara's hiding place. Merlin has a feeling.] MERLIN: [Whispers.] Arthur. [Arthur still enters.] [They walk forward. Kara comes out from behind her hiding spot behind a rock.] KARA: Don't hurt me. [Merlin realizes who it is but doesn't say anything.] MERLIN: Careful. Arthur, she's wounded. KARA: Please...I mean you no harm. [Arthur puts his sword away and walks forward to help her. He gets distracted and Kara pulls a dagger out, but before she can stab Arthur Merlin uses his magic to make the dagger fly out her hand. With the force that she was going to use she falls and Arthur catches her.] ARTHUR: You would've killed me. KARA: I'm only sorry I failed. [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Mordred sees Kara being lead to the cells by two guards. He thinks Merlin betrayed him.] [KING'S PALACE- CORRIDOR] [Merlin is walking along a corridor when Mordred grabs the sides of his jacket and throws him into the wall.] MORDRED: Why?! MERLIN: I didn't tell him! MORDRED: You gave me your word! MERLIN: I swear. [Merlin pushes Mordred away.] MORDRED: You did it because you hate me. [He steps forward and Merlin a hand up to stop him.] MERLIN: No. MORDRED: This time you've gone too far. You'll pay, Merlin. [Gwaine and Leon come around the corner.] GWAINE: What's going on? [Merlin and Mordred look toward them.] LEON: What's this about? [Merlin and Mordred continue to glare at each other.] MORDRED: Nothing. [He walks between Gwaine and Leon bumping Leon's shoulder. Merlin straightens his jacket. Gwaine steps in front of Merlin. ] GWAINE: Merlin? MERLIN: Nothing. [He walks the opposite way of Mordred. Gwaine and Leon look at each other.] [KING'S PALACE-COUNCIL CHAMBER] [Kara stands before Arthur, Gwen, Merlin, the knights and the Council members. The people have formed a sort of circle around Kara. Arthur walks around it. Mordred is next to a column close to Kara.] ARTHUR: Were you part of a cohort of saxons who attacked an arms shipment bound for Camelot? KARA: Yes. ARTHUR: And were you acting under the orders of Morgana Pendragon? KARA: What I did, I did for myself, for my people and for our right to be free. ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with the Druids. KARA: I have spent my life on the run because of my beliefs and seen those I have loved killed. ARTHUR: Once, maybe. But I'm not my father. KARA: You don't kill those with magic? [Arthur looks at her as she turns her head to look at him.] It is not I, Arthur Pendragon, who needs to answer for my crimes, it is you. You and your father have brutally and mercilessly heaped misery on my kind. It is you who has turned a peaceful people to war...and it is you...and Camelot that shall pay the price. ARTHUR: In your words...I hear the voice of Morgana. It is she and others like her who have abused the powers of magic. It is they who have brought the rift between our people. It is their deeds, that have terroised Camelot and forced us to outlaw such practices. But you stand before the court, not because of an act of sorcery or sedition, but because an act of murder. Your actions have brought about the deaths of many good men and threaten the lives of many more. [Mordred glances at Arthur.] KARA: They were casualties of war. And I would do the same again for I will not rest until you are dead and your kingdom is no more. [She turns her head and watches Arthur as he walks around the circle.] ARTHUR: Yet you have friends here. [Merlin watches to see if anything will happen. Mordred stares at Kara.] Somehow you got treatment for your leg...from someone in Camelot. Who? KARA: I treated myself. ARTHUR: You're lying. Whoever it was left a trail of footprints in the mud...[Mordred looks down at the ground realizing what he has done.] footprints that resulted in your capture. KARA: A stranger came across me and he helped me. I have no idea who he was. ARTHUR: You show no remorse for your actions. I have no choice but to declare you an enemy of Camelot. At dawn tomorrow, pursuant to the laws of this land, you will be taken from your cell...[Mordred looks at Arthur.] and hanged. [Merlin looks across at Mordred. Arthur nods to the guards to take her away.] KARA: You can do as you wish. It will not stop Morgana's uprising. [Mordred looks at her.] Your doom is near. [The guards are leading her away.]And my only sadness is, I won't be there to see it. [KING'S PALACE - DUNGEONS] [Kara is placed back in her cell. Mordred walks toward the door as the guards walk away. Kara breathes in and sits on the bench, she puts her head in her hands. Mordred stops a little ways from the door.] MORDRED: Kara. [She wipes her eyes and looks at him. Kara gets up and goes to the door. Mordred glances at the guard that is sitting at the table close by.] The King has sent me to speak to you. He is frustrated...that you did not betray the person who helped you. You are very loyal. KARA: That person is...very dear to me. [Mordred walks up to the door.] KARA: I will never tell anyone. I would rather die than see them harmed. [The guard walks up with a bowl, Mordred turns toward him, the guard puts his hand through the bars and places the bowl on the floor of the cell. The guard goes back to his chair. Mordred turns back to the door and places his hands on the bars. Kara puts her hands under his, touching. He moves his hands down and places them on top of hers.] MORDRED: [Whispers.] I will speak with the King. KARA: He will never show mercy to someone like me. MORDRED: I will not let you die. [Mordred turns and walks away.] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Mordred rests his head against the door and takes a breathe before he knocks.][Merlin is helping Arthur out of his chainmail.] ARTHUR: Yes? [Mordred enters.] ARTHUR: Ah, Mordred. What is it? [Mordred walks forward and then kneels. Arthur and Merlin exchange a look.] MORDRED: It was me. I was the one who took the herbs to the Druid girl. Arthur, I'm asking you, please, to reconsider your sentence. She is a good person. She means no harm. She's not to blame. Morgana is using her in her quest for power. ARTHUR: You know this girl? [Mordred nods his head. He still hasn't looked up at Arthur.] MORDRED: She is...someone...Since I was a child...[He looks up at Arthur.] she's always lived inside my heart. [Arthur steps toward him and motions him to stand. Mordred stands, crying. Arthur has his hand on Mordred's shoulder.] ARTHUR: You know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. You're a knight of Camelot. It's a bond we share. Yet what you ask...This girl, she is a danger. Not just to me. She's a sworn enemy of Camelot, ruthless to the cause. MORDRED: No. I will change that. She'll listen to me. ARTHUR: I cannot risk the lives of my citizens, Mordred, no matter who asks. MORDRED: I beg you, Arthur. ARTHUR: She's admitted her guilt. I have no option. I'm sorry. MORDRED: Sire. [He leaves.] [Arthur takes his gloves off.] MERLIN: What of the bond between knights? ARTHUR: The law must be applied. It is paramount. MERLIN: You're breaking his heart. You'll lose his trust. Think again. ARTHUR: There's nothing I can do. In time, Mordred will understand that. He'll come to forgive me. MERLIN: I fear you're wrong, Arthur. ARTHUR: Only time will tell. [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Mordred goes to Kara's cell. She goes to the door when she sees him.] MORDRED: He would not listen. KARA: He has made his decision. MORDRED: I tried. KARA: It's too late. MORDRED: No,Kara. KARA: He doesn't care. No matter what he preaches, he is no different from his father. A tyrant, a brute. MORDRED: I thought he and I were friends. KARA: He's a Pendragon. You did all you could. [She sits on the bench.] [KING'S PALACE -CORRIDOR] [Mordred watches from a window as they are set up in the main square for the hanging. He walks to the Royal Chambers.] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Arthur is reading a piece of paper when Mordred walks in. Arthur drops the paper. Merlin comes out from a corner. Mordred walks to the table.] ARTHUR: Mordred. MORDRED: I wanted to...to apologize. ARTHUR: There's no need. MORDRED: I'm sorry for what I did. I hope you'll forgive me. ARTHUR: I'd never let something like this ruin our friendship. MORDRED: You took me in. I will always remember that...and everything you've done for me. ARTHUR: You've rewarded me by becoming one of my most loyal of knights. MORDRED: Thank you, Sire. [Mordred nods his head and leaves.] ARTHUR: I knew he'd come round. [Merlin glances at Arthur and then leaves the room.] [KING'S PALACE - CORRIDOR] [Merlin catches up to Mordred.] MERLIN: What are you doing? You're leaving. You're going to take her with you. [Mordred stops walking and turns to face Merlin.] MORDRED: Do not stand in my way. I don't want anyone to get hurt. MERLIN: Mordred... MORDRED: Kara is sentenced to die in the morning. What would you do? MERLIN: You can't. MORDRED: Tell me you wouldn't do the same for the woman you love. MERLIN: Don't be foolish. MORDRED: You see...you cannot. [Mordred turns and starts to walk.] MERLIN: Mordred...[He stops walking.] Please. [Mordred closes his eyes.] MORDRED: I know you did not betray before. Do not do so now. [Mordred leaves.] [SCENE_BREAK] [KING'S PALACE- PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS] [Merlin and Gaius are sitting on a bench.] GAIUS: It's nothing you haven't done yourself a hundred times before. MERLIN: No, this is different. GAIUS: How? MERLIN: Mordred isn't just going to set Kara free. He's going to leave with her. If he does, there'll be no chance of reconciliation with Arthur. Arthur's decision's already set Mordred against him. With that girl at his side, he runs straight into the arms of Morgana. GAIUS: You cannot want Kara to die. MERLIN: But I don't want Arthur to either. As long as Mordred is within these walls, there's still hope. I have to stop him. [Gaius doesn't say anything, just stares at Merlin. Merlin stands up and takes a couple of steps back while looking at Gaius.] MERLIN: Gaius! I have no choice. [Merlin leaves.] [KING'S PALACE - ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Gwen and Arthur are eating dinner. Gwen is laughing at something Arthur said. Merlin enters without knocking.] GWEN: Merlin! MERLIN: I'm sorry, my lady. I need to speak with Arthur. It's important. ARTHUR: It'd better be. MERLIN: It's Mordred. [Arthur looks up at Merlin.] ARTHUR: What is it? [Gwen looks worried.] MERLIN: Arthur... [Merlin seems uneasy.] ARTHUR: Are you going to tell me? MERLIN: he, uh... ARTHUR: Well? MERLIN: He's going to help the Druid girl escape. [Arthur gets up from the table and leaves the room followed by Merlin.] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [The guards in the corridor are passed out on the floor from a smoke bomb. Arthur and Merlin enter and cover their noses with their sleeves. They get to the cells and see that Kara's is empty. Arthur checks the other cell too.] ARTHUR: Rally the guards. [Arthur and Merlin leave.] [KING'S PALACE- CORRIDORS] [Mordred opens an iron gate. He goes ahead to make sure the way is clear, he looks back and motions Kara to move forward. They get to the of the corridor. A guard is standing around the corner, he sees Mordred. Mordred moves back. Kara charges around the corner, grabs his shoulders, knees him in the stomach, throws him into the wall, and while he falls to the floor reaches over and grabs Mordred's dagger from his belt. Kara plunges it into the guard's chest. Mordred steps around as Kara gets to her feet, not believing what he just saw. She turns to look at him.] KARA: He's a Camelot soldier. [Warning bells sound. They run.] [Guards are in the square setting up patrols.] [Arthur, Merlin and Leon meet up with Gwaine and the others in a corridor.] GWAINE: We're searching the Citadel. ARTHUR: No. They'll be gone. Search the forest. LEON: I want them captured. ARTHUR: Alive? They're fugitives. The law is clear. LEON: Dispatch as many riders as you can. ARTHUR: Put all personal feelings aside. [FOREST] [Mordred and Kara run through the trees. Kara stops because of her leg.] MORDRED: You need to rest. KARA: We can't. [She pushes on. Mordred follows.] [Knights ride across the clearing and head into the woods. They get to an area and stop. Leon dismounts.] PERCIVAL: Over here. I thought I saw something. [Arthur and Merlin dismount from their horses. Arthur draws his sword. They make their way on foot. Arthur and leading them.] [Kara and Mordred keep on running. Kara stops and kneels holding her leg. Arthur, Merlin and the knights follow their trail. They split off into pairs and spread out. Mordred and Kara watch from behind a tree.] KARA: You go. Please. MORDRED: I won't leave you. ARTHUR: Mordred! [Mordred turns the way that the voice came from. Arthur, Merlin and the others get closer. Kara and Mordred look at each other for bit. Mordred draws his sword, stands up and walks out of hiding to face Arthur. Mordred glances around at the knights.] KARA:[Telepathy] Use your magic. Kill them! [Mordred looks at her over his shoulder.] MORDRED: They are my friends. ARTHUR: Give yourselves up. [Mordred looks back at Arthur.] MORDRED: Let her go. We will leave Camelot and never return. You have my word. Please. [Arthur doesn't answer. Mordred looks at a couple of the other knights.] MORDRED: Gwaine. Leon. [Gwaine doesn't answer and Leon looks away.] KARA:[Telepathy.] Use your magic. Do it! [Mordred glances at Kara one more time. He glares at Merlin. Merlin glares back. Mordred lowers his head, closes his eyes for a second. He looks back up, back at Merlin. Merlin gets ready to use his magic. Percival knocks Mordred before he could use his magic.] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Mordred and Kara are taken into the dungeons and put in serperate cells. Arthur and Merlin walk up. Mordred turns around and faces Arthur.] MORDRED: What are you going to do to me? ARTHUR: I wish I knew. [Arthur leaves. Mordred looks up at Merlin. Merlin turns to follow Arthur.] MORDRED:[Telepathy.] Why couldn't you just let things be? [Merlin stops for a second then walks on out.] [KING'S PALACE- PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS] [Gaius and Merlin enter. Merlin stops at the door.] MERLIN: The very thing I was trying to stop, it's happened. GAIUS: There are some paths woven so deeply into the fabric of the world, Merlin, that nothing can be done to change them. [Gaius goes to his desk, sets his book down as Merlin shuts the door. Gaius sits down. Merlin leans against the door and rubs his hands over his eyes then brings them together in front of his face.] MERLIN: There must be an answer, some way out of this. Perhaps... [He walks forward] if Arthur was to repeal the sentence... GAIUS: He won't change his mind. MERLIN: But if I could manage to persuade him, then Mordred would no longer be set against Arthur. He'd be...you know... indebted to him. GAIUS: You know Arthur. I cannot see him agreeing. MERLIN: I have to try. It's my only chance. [He leaves.] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Arthur is looking out the window.] MERLIN: I know it's not my place to speak...Arthur. ARTHUR: I know what you're going to say... MERLIN: The girl... ARTHUR: Her fate's sealed, it's Mordred's that concerns me. Should I allow him to go free? MERLIN: Free them both. ARTHUR: The girl's murdered innocent men in cold blood. We are at war, I must be resolute. MERLIN: Well how will one more death bring about the peace we long for? She's young, I don't believe she's beyond redemption. You've witnessed their love for each other, that's something far greater than her desire to serve Morgana or her cause. Give her one more chance, she'll take it. ARTHUR: As King, I'm sworn to uphold the law. It's the future of Camelot that concerns me. MERLIN: Please, Arthur. You have to listen to me. ARTHUR: It's my decision...my decision alone. [Arthur turns back to the window. Merlin leaves the room.] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Kara and Mordred sit in their cells as close to each other as they can be.] MORDRED: If I hadn't come to you... KARA: I would've died from my wound. MORDRED: It was my fault. [Kara puts her hand on Mordred's arm.] KARA: I have no one to blame but myself. I chose my path. I have just one regret...only one regret. [Mordred puts his hand over hers. She takes hold of his hand. They fall asleep holding hands.] [The scene lightens to represent a new day beginning. Kara's cell door is opened. Mordred wakes up and stands up with her when Leon enters the cell.] MORDRED: Kara. LEON: We've come to take her to the King. [Mordred is confused. Kara takes Mordred's hand and kisses it. She walks out of cell. Leon glances at Mordred before he leaves. Mordred looks out through the front of his cell and sees a guard put irons on Kara's wrists.] [KING'S PALACE- COUNCIL CHAMBER] [Kara stands before the Arthur, Merlin, the knights and the members of the council. Merlin stands next to Gwaine. Arthur sits on the throne with Leon standing beside him.] ARTHUR: Every person present knows the crimes for which you are guilty...but I'm willing to offer you a chance. I know that the Druids are a peaceful people. And you are young...and impressionable...an easy target for the likes of Morgana. If you repent your crimes, I will spare your life. [Merlin nods his head. It also looks like he is mouthing the words that Arthur is saying.] KARA: I cannot repent a crime I have not committed. [Merlin can't believe her choice of words. Neither can Arthur.] ARTHUR: Kara... KARA: It is not a crime to fight for your freedom. [Arthur sighs and closes his eyes. He leans back in the throne.] It is not a crime to [Arthur glances at Merlin. Both at a lose of what to do.]fight for the right to be who you are. You deserve everything that is coming to you, Arthur Pendragon. [KING'S PALACE- MAIN SQUARE] [Kara is lead out by four guards. Merlin watches from a distance, standing by a column.] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Mordred sits in his cell, crying.] [KING'S PALACE- MAIN SQUARE] [Kara is lead to the center of the square. Arthur and Gwen look on from the balcony. Kara climbs the steps.] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Mordred sits in his cell, crying. He leans his head back against the wall and looks up.] [KING'S PALACE- MAIN SQUARE] [The executioner helps her onto the stump and place the rope around her neck. Kara stares up at Arthur without blinking.] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Mordred glares at the cell door. It starts to shake and rattle, as does the table and everything on it.] [KING'S PALACE- MAIN SQUARE] [Arthur gives the nod and Kara is killed.] [KING'S PALACE- DUNGEONS] [Mordred yells as Kara is hung. The iron sparks and the cell door falls. Merlin's head jerks forward from the force of Mordred's telepathic yell.] [KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS] [Arthur sits in a chair as Merlin fills him in.] MERLIN: It's almost like he's vanished. The guards searched as far as the river. There was no sign. ARTHUR: I let him in. MERLIN: You have a good heart, don't blame yourself for that. ARTHUR: I shouldn't have trusted him. [Arthur rubs his hands over his face, then brings them together and folds his hands down resting his chin on them.] I've made a terrible mistake, haven't I? MERLIN: I hope not. [FOREST] [Mordred comes the edge of a forest overlooking Morgana's fortress. Mordred takes a deep breath and lets it out before walking on.] [MORGANA'S FORTRESS] [Morgana sits on her throne. Mordred is escorted up to her by a couple of guards. One of them roughly pushes Mordred to his knees.] MORGANA: My old friend. [Mordred looks up at her.] MORGANA: Last time we met you tried to kill me. MORDRED: I am here for a purpose, Morgana. I did not break stride to find you. I bring you the news you have longed for. MORGANA: Arthur's death? MORDRED: The key to it. I was wrong to ever question your wisdom, my lady and I wish to make amends. MORGANA: Tell me! MORDRED: There is someone you have been searching for, someone that has always eluded you. MORGANA: Emrys. MORDRED: I know where he is. MORGANA: Where? MORDRED: Camelot. And I have his true name. It is Merlin. [Morgana stares at him and gasps once]

Plan: A: Kara; Q: Who is Mordred's love? A: a Druid girl; Q: What is Kara? A: Saxon; Q: What kind of attack was Kara involved in? A: Camelot; Q: What is the name of the supply wagon? A: her injuries; Q: What does Mordred treat? A: her sentence; Q: What is carried out? A: a magical rage; Q: What does Mordred break his cell open in? A: Morgana; Q: Who does Mordred seek out after Kara is hanged? A: Emrys' identity; Q: What does Mordred reveal to Morgana? Summary: Kara, a Druid girl and Mordred's love, is involved in a Saxon attack on a Camelot supply wagon. Mordred lets her escape and treats her injuries. Kara is discovered by Arthur and arrested after attempting to kill him. She is sentenced to hang. Mordred makes an unsuccessful attempt to flee with Kara, and they are both jailed. Arthur gives Kara the chance to repent. She refuses, and her sentence is carried out. Mordred breaks his cell open in a magical rage as Kara is hanged. He seeks Morgana, joins her forces and reveals Emrys' identity.

LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. (Lucas is lying on the ground of the Rivercourt.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HALL - EVENING] (Lucas stands at the large fake ID with his mother.) LUCAS: Were you thinking about college? KAREN: It can wait. LUCAS: For what?! [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY] (Brooke, Peyton, Tim, Haley, Nathan and Lucas are all in the school parking lot, talking.) PEYTON: He's in shock, now that you're officially off the market. BROOKE: It's true 'Dim', Haley's preggers. HALEY: (Shocked) Brooke! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - DAY] (Dan is sitting up in his bed.) DOCTOR: (o.s) The Phoenix Effect isn't uncommon in cardiac patients. They grow...remorseful...introspective, sometimes even joyous. (Dan smiles at Deb; she smiles back.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HALL - EVENING] (Keith talking to Karen.) KEITH: I've decided to run the dealership for Dan. KAREN: You've given up a lot for Dan. He doesn't deserve a brother like you. KEITH: Actually, he deserves better. (Karen looks politely confused.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Deb and Keith are lying under a blanket on the floor. Dan sees them.) DEB: (v.o) We were two, lonely, people- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] (Keith and Deb are standing in the kitchen, discussing what happened between them.) DEB: No one else needs to know. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] KAREN: (To Keith.) Hey, don't be a stranger OK? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HALL - EVENING] (Haley and Nathan walk up into the hall amidst cheers and clapping.) LUCAS: (v.o) You and Haley still married? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY] (Nathan kneeling in front of Lucas who is sitting on the ground.) NATHAN: Yeah, she hasn't thrown me out yet. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HALL - DAY] (Brooke holds a Polaroid camera as she addresses Peyton and Lucas.) BROOKE: I was thinking we could take the cameras, put them out, people can...(Shot of Karen standing and watching as Lucas pins up a picture of Peyton on the wedding wall.)...take pictures, put them on the wedding wall. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DOORSTEP - DAY] (Haley stands, holding a potted plant and looking at Deb who is verbally berating her.) DEB: I will not give you my blessing for destroying my son's life, or, and you can trust me on this; your own. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HALL - EVENING] (Lucas and Skills are standing to the side, conversing.) SKILLS: I remember the person that you used to be. Why not just be him again? (Camera pauses on Lucas' face.) DAN: (v.o) Could you ask Lucas to drop by? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - EVENING] (Dan is sitting up in bed. Nathan is getting ready to leave.) DAN: I'd really like to see your brother. (Nathan nods reluctantly. He knows that he is now the outsider.) FADE TO BLACK: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN AND HALEY'S APARTMENT - THE WEDDING WALL - DAY] (We see the pictures that we saw at the end of the last episode. Ones of Peyton with a goofy face and Lucas and Karen together. Cut to a picture of Nathan's head on cupid. Peyton is standing at one end of the wall while Haley stands at the other; Brooke is looking at it critically, directing where it should go.) PEYTON: I think it needs to come down on the left some. BROOKE: No, it's gotta come down on the right. HALEY: Our left is your right. BROOKE: Oh...then why are we arguing? (Camera pans and we see Tim sitting at the counter looking through the yellow pages.) TIM: Hey Nathan! What do you think? (Haley and Peyton straighten the Wedding Wall and place it up against a wall.) TIM: Thai, Mexican, Chinese is always good. BROOKE: (Nodding at the position of the Wedding Wall.) Yeah. HALEY: Tim, you just ate! How is it possible that you're still hungry? TIM: I'm not ordering food, I'm ordering strippers. BROOKE: (She, Peyton and Haley look at him.) Ooo. TIM: What?! (Haley and Peyton lower the Wall onto the floor.) You guys got married so fast, I got screwed outta being the best man and I am not getting screwed outta the bachelor party. (Nathan appears with only a towel wrapped around his waist.) HALEY: (o.s) Tim. TIM: (To Nathan.) I-I was gonna be the best man right? NATHAN: (To Haley.) He's like a dog with a bone Hales. HALEY: (Half serious.) Great, lets get him neutered. TIM: Come on Haley! It's just a stripper! It's harmless fun. BROOKE: (Pleased) You know, Tim's right. See...(She yanks Nathan's towel off, he dashes off to the bedroom, embarrassed.)...fun! (The girls laugh, Tim looks away.) PEYTON: Yes, but so much more fun when you haven't seen it before. BROOKE: Nice! (Slaps hands with Peyton.) PEYTON: (Realising his wife's there.) Sorry. HALEY: Yeah. BROOKE: (Awkward for only a moment.) Haley, let the boys have their fun. (Dismisses Tim with a wiggle of her fingers.) Besides, what's good for the goose is even better for you. They can have their little testosterone fest - autos and dial-a-date - but you get to have a bridal shower and rake in tonnes of loot from all the guests. This is so a fair trade. HALEY: (Sarcastically) Wow, I so don't need loot. BROOKE: (Displays Haley's hand towel.) OK, Sunny Hill Lodge? HALEY: It's Kichey. (Brooke shrugs.) PEYTON: So's this thing. (Holds up a dusty pink, silk top.) BROOKE: (o.s) Oh no. No, no, that is bridal shower code red. I'm on it. (Haley snatches it away as Peyton laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - DAY] (Lucas walks into Dan's room. Dan is reading a newspaper and looks up as Lucas pushes the door open.) DAN: I'm glad you came son. LUCAS: You wanted to see me? DAN: (o.s) Yes I did. I wanna do something I should've done a long time ago. (Lucas just looks.) I wanna apologise to you and to your mother. (pause) I'm sorry Lucas; for everything. (Lucas stares some more; both confused and disbelieving.) KAREN: (v.o) Hey, you OK? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] (Lucas is leaning on the back of his chair.) LUCAS: Went to go see Dan. (Karen sighs wearily.) I'm not gonna hide from him you know. KAREN: Yeah, I know. (pause) How'd it go? LUCAS: He freaked me out. KAREN: What did he say this time? LUCAS: That he was sorry. (Karen is torn.) You know the scary part is that...it seemed like he meant it. KAREN: Do you want me to go talk to him, maybe go see him with you? LUCAS: No. No I'm OK. I'm just not gonna run from him anymore. Sometimes you just gotta let it go. (Karen nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN AND HALEY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Nathan is throwing balls into a wastepaper bin while Tim pressures him.) NATHAN: (sighs) Man you coulda told me about the strippers instead of just ambushing Haley with it. TIM: You knew about it. NATHAN: I knew you were talking about it. I didn't know you were gonna...order them in front of my wife. TIM: Jeez! Did you get married or castrated? (Nathan shoots another ball.) Fine; you want me to cancel the stripper? Tell the boys it's off? NATHAN: (relenting) No. TIM: See? You're just as excited as I am. I know you man. NATHAN: Whatever. TIM: Whatever? (He intones.) You're telling me this girl shows up all hot and willing; you wouldn't go there? NATHAN: Tim, I'm married. TIM: (laughing) Right. You keep telling yourself that. But that ring, doesn't erase your past Nate. Some of us still remember who you used to be. (Nathan is uncertain as he dunks another ball.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - CAR PARK - DAY] (Shot of new cars with two balloons each tied to the windshield.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - DAY] (Shot of Dan's name on the desk. The camera pans up to show a smartly dressed Keith working around the desk; feeling out of place. He sees a life-size, cardboard, cut-out of Dan pointing up and mimics it with a silly face. Lucas appears in the doorway.) LUCAS: Ha, looking sharp. KEITH: Ah! Hey. LUCAS: You settling in OK? KEITH: Uh(!) Typical Dan, he um...did everything himself. Never let anyone help him with the big stuff. LUCAS: Anything I can do to help? KEITH: Yeah. You can come back and work for me like old times. What do you say? LUCAS: Well I would say thank you but I don't know. I...you know, it might be a little strange; getting a cheque with Dan's name on it. KEITH: No. Actually it feels pretty good. (Lucas laughs.) Well, the job's yours if you want it. LUCAS: Thanks Keith. You know, I'll let you get back to work. KEITH: Yeah, that's exactly what I've been avoiding. I, uh, have to get Dan's signature on these (picks up two white pages of paper.) and...despite me best efforts, I'm all out of excuses not to. LUCAS: Are you guys still having problems? KEITH: Um...actually no. I don' know what drugs they're pumping him full of but he's kind of uh...(Can't get his head around it.)...polite. LUCAS: (o.s) Yeah, I know what you mean. KEITH: (Laughing) I didn't think that we'd ever be able to put aside our differences, like you and Nathan have, but um...well, who knows? (The phone rings.) Maybe they'll keep him medicated. (Lucas laughs a little. Keith answers the phone.) This is Keith. Yeah. OooK, I'll be right there. (He hangs up.) I um...gotta run. LUCAS: (Pointing to the papers that need signing.) You know, if you want, ah, I can take those papers to the hospital. KEITH: Are you sure? LUCAS: (pause) Yeah. (Pats Keith and walk to the desk.) No problem. KEITH: Alright. I'll see you. LUCAS: OK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN AND HALEY'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - DAY] (Haley is attacking the counter tops with a bottle of spray and a rag; trying to get everything clean for the party, she is clearly nervous about Nathan straying after only a few days of marriage. Nathan walks in.) NATHAN: Need some help? HALEY: Nope. Just...straightening up for your...party. NATHAN: Haley you don't need to, it's just the guys. They've seen it like this. In fact, they made it like this. HALEY: (Laughs, a little bit too breezy.) Oh I don't mind. Besides, if we're going to have a skanky ho in the place at least it should look nice. (Nathan makes a slight noise.) I'm kidding...sort of...maybe. NATHAN: Haley, this bachelor party I more for Tim than it is for me OK? He's threatened by the fact that Lucas threw a suerception so this is just his way of proving that he's still my best friend. HALEY: Yeah, what's next? Lap dances for world peace? NATHAN: Look, I'm not getting all tweaked about your shower. HALEY: It's a bridal shower Nathan. It's gonna be like the most boring thing ever! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DAY] BROOKE: your shower is gonna totally kill. HALEY: Normally, killing's not good. BROOKE: No, no, but this time, it is. (Takes a picture of Haley with her digital camera.) Eyes forward. HALEY: What's that for? BROOKE: Don't worry about it. Just leave the shower to me OK? I'm gonna teach Haley James...Scott...whoever you are right now, how to have some serious fun. Tomorrow night, I'm tutor girl. (Walks off. Haley smiles sceptically.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREETS - DAY] (Karen is walking down the sidewalk when she comes upon Keith getting out of his car.) KAREN: (to Keith.) Hey. KEITH: Oh, Hi Karen. (He is still uncomfortable around her.) KAREN: You look fantastic. It's a whole new you. KEITH: Yep. Thanks. KAREN: So uh, how are things going at the dealership? KEITH: Go-good yeah, yeah. I think it, you know, it's gonna be OK. KAREN: Oh good. (Pause) (She looks at the coffee cup Keith is holding and sees that it isn't from her café.) KEITH: Oh you know what; I'd better be getting back. (Karen nods, hurt.) See you around, huh? KAREN: OK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - DAY] (Lucas knocks on the door.) DAN: Hey, good to see you Lucas. LUCAS: (Walks in with a folder and pen.) Um...Keith needs some signatures from you. (He dumps them on his table and turns away.) DAN: (Opens the folder and the pen.) You know, I was thinking. My doctor's put me through some cardiovascular rehab; I thought you might like to join me. LUCAS: (Smiles deridingly. Not looking at Dan.) So you wanna be workout buddies? DAN: Give us a chance to spend some time together. Get to know you. LUCAS: You had my whole life to do that. DAN: Well life's given me a second chance. Maybe you will too. LUCAS: Do you think we'd even be having this conversation if you weren't on the odds with Nathan? DAN: That's not it. But I understand your trepidation (pause) I know I haven't exactly given you a lot of reasons to trust me in the past. (Lucas looks down.) Look, would you do me a favour and put a copy of this in the lockbox in my bottom desk drawer. There's a key taped underneath the drawer. LUCAS: (Standing and inhaling deeply.) Yeah. (Takes the folder and pen.) DAN: Lucas? (Lucas turns back.) (pause) You might not trust me...but I trust you. (Lucas is really unsure of what to make of Dan's new personality.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - DAY] (Lucas put the folder on the desk and takes the lockbox out. He opens it and puts the contents of the folder into it. A little pryingly, he goes through the lockbox and comes across the, now common, picture of Nathan as a child.) (Smiling, he goes through a little more and comes across an envelope we saw at the end of last season. He pulls out the contents and finds newspaper clippings and pictures of himself as a baby and little boy. Karen must have sent them to him in the hopes that he would accept a little responsibility for the child he fathered. Lucas flips through them; feeling more confused than ever.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - DAY] (Mouth is taped to a chair and wrapped in insulation tape while Fergie and Skills draw small targets all over him in red marker.) MOUTH: (Sniffing) My nose is starting to itch. (Haley walks into the room. Fergie uses a ball to rub Mouth's nose.) LUCAS: Alright. HALEY: (Suppressing a laugh.) Ah h-hi, am I interrupting something? MOUTH: Hi Haley. HALEY: Hi. This is some...weird guy thing I'm never gonna understand right? LUCAS: Pretty much. HALEY: Great, well at least I came to the right place. Can I talk to you for a second? LUCAS: Yeah. SKILLS: (Stands up suddenly.) Yeah, we gotta go get eggs anyway. Let's roll. HALEY: Eggs? (Skills and Fergie close the door behind them, leaving a prone Mouth in the middle of Haley and Lucas' private conversation.) LUCAS: So what's up? HALEY: Um ah (Looks at Mouth who tries to leave, or at least move, but he can't.) LUCAS: Oh. Um uh, yo Fergie! (Fergie opens the door. Lucas points to Mouth.) MOUTH: Sorry. Hey, how bout you guys roll me down the street and see if you can hit me on the fly. (Lucas aims his ball at Mouth and gets him in the stomach.) Ow. HALEY: So you know bout this whole Bachelor party thing right? LUCAS: Oh Haley(!) Look, it's just goofy guy stuff OK? HALEY: I know. I just wish he'd done his goofy guy stuff before we got married. LUCAS: Well he would've, if you'da gotten married ten years from now. (Haley gives him a 'don't start' look.) Joking! Sorry! (Holds his hands up.) HALEY: (Having a hard time setting a spy on her husband.) Would you just (pause) look after him? LUCAS: I'll tell you what; I will sacrifice myself and go to the bachelor party to take care of Nathan. HALEY: Oh, you're so heroic. (Walks up to him and they slap hands.) Thank you. SKILLS: Hey yo, check it out, we got these trash can set up like bowling pins right. So I figured we just gonna roll Mouth's squirrelly little ass right on into em. (Cue sound of crashing and Mouth laughing.) HALEY: (Laughing) Oh-ho, I so got next. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - DAY] DOCTOR: Medication will treat the symptoms but...the best treatment for you now is a radical lifestyle change. (Deb is standing next to Dan's bed.) So we're gonna put you on a physical therapy regiment and you can start that as soon as you're released; the day after tomorrow. DAN: So what are we talking about doc? Weights? Treadmill? DOCTOR: More like, some stretching, short walks, you have to understand Dan, you're looking at a long road back and the road is called the rest of your life. (leaves) DEB: Uh, the hospital gave me the name of their best physical therapist and there's also a nurse who can move in with you at the beach house- DAN: I wanna come home Deb. (Deb looks at him but it doesn't look like she's protesting this time.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN AND HALEY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Tim sits on the couch, next to Nathan, holding two bottles.) TIM: Dude, smell me. NATHAN: Dude, kiss my ass. TIM: No seriously. I wanna smell nice for the...talent that's coming over later. NATHAN: Tim, just say the stripper. TIM: Fine, the stripper. Alright, which one makes me smell available? I've got 'Flesh' on this side and uh (Looks at his right hand.) this 'Frink' stuff on this side. (Shows his neck.) NATHAN: (Points to the 'Frink' perfume.) That's not mine. TIM: Well it was in your bathroom. HALEY: (Comes into the shot.) Oh Tim. What're you doing with my perfume. (Takes it and walks away. Tim rubs at his neck with his shirt as Nathan laughs.) HALEY: (Sprays the perfume of her wrist.) Alright. I'm off. All the important numbers are by the phone...police, fire, pimps. NATHAN: Thanks for worrying about us. HALEY: (Puts her arms around Nathan from behind the sofa.) I'm not worried about you. Have your fun, just remember (Kisses him.) You're married now. (Knock on the door.) TIM: She's here! (Jumps over the couch to get the door before Haley can.) (sings) Stripper time. (Opens the door to Lucas.) Oh it's just you. LUCAS: Not the thrill it used to be huh? (Smacks his shoulder and enters. Tim looks out to see if she's coming.) LUCAS: Hi HALEY: Hi (They hug.) (To Nathan) OK, uh, I left some ones on the counter, in case you don't have any change don't spend it all in one (quietly) place. LUCAS: (He and Nathan are on the sofa. Lucas looks over at a thoroughly depressed Tim picking at the money.) (To Nathan.) What's wrong with 'Dim'? NATHAN: Oh don't take it personally. (Also looks at Tim.) He thought you were the stripper. LUCAS: Hey, we'd prefer to be called exotic dancers. NATHAN: (nodding) Nice. (They laugh.) (There's a knock at the door and Tim rushes to get it. It's Gary, the guy Nathan works with in 'Hot and Twisted'.) TIM: Who the hell are you? GARY: (looking around) Where's the stripper? (Tim shuts the door annoyed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROAD - EVENING] (A large van like limo drives along on the road.) HALEY: Haha! I can not believe you rented this for my shower; [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LIMO - EVENING] (Haley and Peyton are sitting on one side of the limo as Brooke leans on the drinks box.) HALEY: Brooke this is crazy. BROOKE: Hmm (Shrugs.) PEYTON: And by crazy, she means thank you. HALEY: Oh yeah god, Brooke, thank you. I'm I-I'm blown away by all this. BROOKE: You're welcome. (Opens the drink box lid.) PEYTON: I think someone feels a little guilty about the whole pregnancy rumour. HALEY: Oh. (Peyton nods.) Well, water under the bridge. BROOKE: (Handing Peyton and Haley champagne glasses.) Forget the water, lets have champagne. PEYTON: Yes. HALEY: Champagne? How much is that gonna cost? BROOKE: Who cares? It's on my dad's credit card. HALEY: I dunno you guys. Last time I drank, I...threw up in Dan's lap. (Bringing up the memory somewhat fondly. Peyton looks at her.) BROOKE: Uh-huh. (Haley pauses and then mumbles as she holds out her glass.) PEYTON: That's my girl. HALEY: Alright, a toast to...a nice normal bridal shower. PEYTON: To nice. (Holds up her glass.) BROOKE: And normal. (Her tone suggesting anything but. All three clink glasses and drink.) PEYTON: (Passes her glass over to Brooke after one sip and holds out a long, black piece of cloth.) Uh-hum. HALEY: What's that? PEYTON: It's just a, ah, nice and normal blindfold. HALEY: For what? BROOKE: For the nice, normal, guest of honour. (Peyton and Brooke laugh as Peyton blindfolds Haley.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN AND HALEY'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Gary and Tim are sitting on the couch, Nathan and Lucas are on the floor, playing a video game. No one is saying anything and they all look immensely bored.) TIM: (To Nathan about Gary.) Sure you know this guy? NATHAN: He works with me in 'Hot and Twisted'. GARY: (Sees Tim looking at him.) Great. Even losers don't know me. TIM: Just read the damn quiz. GARY: (Reads from the magazine.) When your boyfriend kisses you (Lucas looks a mixture of confused, disgusted and amused.) he; A. LUCAS: What the hell are you reading? TIM: Cosmo Girl. (Lucas still looks puzzled as Nathan shakes his head.) GARY: When your boyfriend kisses you he; A, Looks deeply into your eyes. (Tim mimics what Gary is asking.) B, Closes his eyes. (Tim closes his eyes.) C, Cradles your head softly. (Even Nathan looks.) D, Unhooks your bra. TIM: (Eyes still closed.) It's D. It's definitely D, you go for the bra. NATHAN: Now Tim, you realise you're supposed to be answering as a girl. TIM: I know, and I'd want a boyfriend who isn't afraid to go up my shirt. LUCAS: And hopefully, someday, you'll find him. GARY: OK, this sucks. What kind of bachelor party is this? Hmm? No booze, no strippers. (Lucas points to Gary from behind.) I thought you guys throw, like, the best parties. This is...lame. TIM: Dude, my brother's settin up the stripper so we aint gonna be disappointed. LUCAS: I just hope the stripper's not a guy, I remember the last time you were on stripper duty. TIM: Alright. I wasn't gonna crack this out till later but what the hell. (Reaches over and picks up a tape.) Let's set the mood with a little something from my dad's porno stash. (Jumps off the sofa and walks over to the TV.) I was up late one night (Inserts the tape.) and I heard my dad watching this. (Sits back on the sofa.) The chick in it goes absolutely nuts. GARY: Sweet! (Brooding as Tim presses play. We hear a lot of moaning. Tim looks on open mouthed.) NATHAN: Tim, is that your mom? TIM: Step mom. (Moaning gets louder. Lucas' gets more grossed out. Nathan looks away.) GARY: (o.s) Dude, your mom's a slut! TIM: Hehe, step mom! (Holds up his hand for Gary to slap but he doesn't. Moaning continues.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LINGERIE SHOP - EVENING] (Brooke, Peyton and a blindfolded Haley walk into a dark lingerie shop.) PEYTON: Can you see? HALEY: What is going on? (Brooke and Peyton laugh.) (The light is turned on and Brooke takes the blindfold off. Haley just stares.) HALEY: What is this? BROOKE: This is a lingerie fashion show girlie. (Haley gasps.) We figured that since you're married now, you need to wear something a little less conservative for Nathan. Something a little more...(Looks to Peyton for help.) PEYTON: Slutty. (Haley cringes.) BROOKE: That's it. (Walks up to four changing cubicles.) Hit it girls! (Out come four girls dressed in skimpier and skimpier lingerie.) BROOKE: (o.s) Woah, sugar, spice. Look, that's cute. (Haley laughs off-screen.) PEYTON: (o.s) Oh my. Go baby, go baby. (The girls spin and show off the lingerie as Haley, Peyton and Brooke make various exclamations off-screen. Teresa comes out last in red lingerie with silk robe.) BROOKE: Yeah, Teresa! I call that red hot! (Laughs.) (The girls line up on either side of Peyton and Brooke while Haley continues to cringe.) BROOKE: (Stands next to Haley.) OK. HALEY: (Shocked) How'd you. (Gestures at the place.) BROOKE: After all the money that I spend in this place, they owed me a few favours. (Peyton and Brooke take Haley by the arms and walk her off-screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KARENS CAFÉ (EST SHOT) - EVENING] (Keith walks into the café.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - EVENING] (Karen is at the coffee machine as the bell rings. She turns and sees Keith enter.) KAREN: Hey. KEITH: Hey. KAREN: (Taking her apron off.) Want some coffee? It's not the fancy competition but- KEITH: I love your coffee Karen. You know that. KAREN: So, it's not the coffee you're avoiding. KEITH: I'm just (pause) having a hard time being around you right now. KAREN: But, before the proposal we were friends Keith I mean can't we at least try to go back to the way we were then? KEITH: (Knows that it's too hard for him.) I don't think so. (Karen can't understand why.) You know, sometimes it's just...better to move on. You know, kinda like you did with Peyton's dad. KAREN: I haven't seen Larry in ages. There's nothing there. But even if there was, I mean, your idea of moving on; does it mean cutting me out of your life completely? KEITH: I don't want to, but I have to. (He exits the shop. Karen is upset.) FADE OUT: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. LINGERIE SHOP - EVENING] (Peyton and Brooke put their heads close to the changing cubicle curtain.) BROOKE: Haley. Are you coming out kitten? HALEY: I am not coming out. (Peyton and Brooke have changed into some lingerie also.) PEYTON: See, if you don't come out, then we're coming in. (Brooke and Peyton pull back the curtain. Haley is standing there in lingerie and her hair up in two high pigtails. The girls cheer and laugh.) ONE OF THE GIRLS: Sexy schoolgirl look. HALEY: I don't know. PEYTON: Nathan Scott, is going to blow a fuse when he sees you in this. HALEY: Guys, there is no way I can pull this off! (Turns away.) BROOKE: (Grabbing hold of Haley.) No, actually, I'd leave that up to Nathan. (Girls laugh.) Specially after our next stop. (Haley looks at her. There is clearly more.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. OUTSIDE NATHAN'S APARTMENT - EVENING] (Skills, Fergie and Mouth are walking with some other guys. Skills and Fergie are holding a beer keg between themselves as they walk.) SKILLS: (to Mouth.) I still can't believe you pulled off this keg dawg. MOUTH: Well you can thank Brooke and the fake ID she made. FERGIE: Tell the truth, you get with that or what? MOUTH: A gentleman never tells. SKILLS: Man, that's just 'Mouth' for NO! (They walk up to Nathan's apartment.) (Cut to a police car with two female cops sitting there watching the take the keg up.) OFFICIAL GRASSO: Are you seeing what I'm seeing? (I.e. the boy taking up the keg.) OFFICIAL BERNSTEIN: What is wrong with youth of America today? OFFICIAL GRASSO: Hm, time to protect and serve. (The get out of the car.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE LIMO - EVENING] (The girls are all in normal clothes now and dancing in the back of the limo.) BROOKE: OK! Ok, ok, ok everybody. This is a very important moment in our little Haley's life. (Haley stands.) The moment when she becomes a woman. (Pulls out a fake ID.) At least, according to the State of North Dakota! (o.s) It's your very first fake ID. HALEY: (Takes it and looks at the name.) Trudy Gill. Oh I get it, Trudy Gi- Tutor Girl. (The limo suddenly pulls to a halt.) BROOKE: Woah! Hey, why are we stopping? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MIDDLE OF NOWHERE - EVENING] BROOKE: (Leaning on the limo.) What do you mean it's gonna take at least an hour to send somebody out? Let me explain to you the law of supply and demand; if I supply the credit card, I get to demand that you get somebody out here to fix the car! HALEY: Brooke. I really-I could just call Lucas. BROOKE: (o.s) No! PEYTON: I already tried, his phone's off. (Horn beeps. A mechanics truck pulls up. The mechanic gets out with his toolbox.) HALEY: (relieved) Oh good! (Brooke smiles happily.) MECHANIC: What seems to be the trouble? HALEY: Um...it's probably the engine. MECHANIC: Oh, I see exactly what the trouble is. HALEY: (slightly confused.) Great, can you fix it? MECHANIC: Sure, I gotta tool that can fix anything. (Leans down and turns on a stereo. Brooke tries to hold back a laugh. He rips his pants off. Haley yells and Brooke and Peyton laugh. Haley covers her eyes. He begins to strip.) HALEY: (Accusingly to Brooke.) I am gonna kill you. BROOKE: Nice performance Cameron Diaz. PEYTON: Hm, you too Gwyneth. (Haley closes her eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (There's a knock on the door and Tim, once again, rushes to answer it. Mouth opens the door to the cops. Skills puts a towel over the keg and he and Lucas try to look innocent.) TIM: (o.s) Oh sweet, they're in costume. Did my brother deliver or what! OFFICIAL BERNSTEIN: We witnessed a keg being brought up to this apartment. Are you boys of age? OFFICIAL GRASSO: Let's see some ID. TIM: Let's see some hot girl on girl! (Smacks Official Bernstein's ass. The cops grab his arms and push him up against a window.) Damn these strippers a strong! (Official Grasso looks at Lucas who hold his hands up.) I can feel your breasts against my back! OFFICIAL BERNSTEIN: Better yet! Forget the keg! Arrest the perv. (She handcuffs him.) TIM: Ow! You're hurting me! Does that cost extra? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE LIMO - EVENING] (The girls dance with the stripper. Haley, Peyton and Brooke are sitting down. Haley is still embarrassed.) PEYTON: Hey. (She points up at the sunroof.) A moonroof. (Haley sticks her body out of the roof. She laughs appearing to be on her way to 'very drunk'. Two other girls also stick themselves out of the sunroof.) HALEY: WooHoo! [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - DOORSTEP - EVENING] (Official Bernstein writes something on her notepad.) NATHAN: (Trying to console the situation.) Officer, there's been a misunderstanding. LUCAS: He thought you were a stripper. TIM: (Sticking his head out of the window.) I can see your thong strap foxy brown! (Makes an animal like noise. Official Bernstein turns back to Nathan; all the guys are laughing.) LUCAS: Never mind. NATHAN: Yeah, take him. (Official Bernstein pulls her baton out and twirls it, walking away. Lucas looks at Nathan who shakes his head.) TIM: (out of the back car window.) I've never been so horny! (They drive away. The guys continue to laugh. Lucas holds his hand up as they depart.) (The limo drives past with Haley still out of the sunroof. Only this time, the stripper is also there.) MOUTH: Hey, its girls gone wild! NATHAN: (squinting) Haley? (Haley mimes the song paying...badly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - EVENING] (Deb enters while Karen is carrying a tray.) KAREN: (not seeing her.) Sorry, we're clo-. (Stops as she sees her. Deb smiles.) Oh. (Puts the tray down.) Hey. Is everything alright? Is Dan OK? DEB: (Sits) Oh, the doctors are ready to release him. KAREN: Well that's good news. DEB: Yeah. KAREN: Let me grab some coffee. DEB: Dan says he wants to come home. KAREN: (Reconsiders and lets go of the coffee jug handle.) Let me grab some liquor. (Takes out a bottle of alcohol. Deb smiles.) I'm confused. I thought the divorce went through. DEB: Well technically no. Dan had the heart attack before signing the paper. While signing the papers actually. KAREN: You know Dan has a team of doctors who are taking care of him. Who's taking care of you? DEB: Right now, whoever's name is on that bottle. (Drinks from the mug.) You know, maybe the heart attack is a sign. KAREN: It is a sign. It's a sign that...you've gotta stop doing what's best for Dan and start...doing what's best for you. (Deb looks down.) Maybe it's moving on. Maybe it's trying to put the pieces back together but either way, do it because it's right for you. (They hold their mugs up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PINK PEARL - EVENING] (The limo pulls up outside the 'Pink Pearl' strip club. All the girls get out. Brooke and Peyton hold up a drunk Haley.) HALEY: Oh, if I wanted a lap dance, I would have stayed at home. BROOKE: No, tonight's gonna be a little different. I rented out the back room and hired an instructor. HALEY: An instructor for what? (They take her through the VIP entrance.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PINK PEARL - BACK ROOM - EVENING] (The instructor moves around on the stage as she talks, holding onto the pole.) INSTRUCTOR: Stripping is not just about taking your clothes off, it's about getting in touch with your own body. (Haley has her head in her hand, staring at the instructor wide eyed.) Once you do that, (grab the pole again and swings around it.) You're gonna find an inner confidence that you never...had...before. (Peyton and Brooke stare open mouthed.) I think you'll be amazed at just how...empowering it is. (Brooke doesn't look convinced.) PEYTON: Clearly(!) INSTRUCTOR: So. Where's Haley? (All the girls point to her.) PEYTON: She's not gonna go for this. INSTRUCTOR: Haley, just take it nice and easy. HALEY: (Jumps up completely drunk and runs for the pole.) Show me the pole! (She misses the pole, goes straight across onto a chair and falls headfirst onto the floor.) Woah! PEYTON: (Brooke and Peyton half stand with their hands out.) HALEY! BROOKE: (Peyton gapes, horrified.) That's (beginning to laugh.) gonna leave a mark. PEYTON: (Begins to laugh.) Oh my god. (Covers her face with her hand.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - EVENING] LUCAS: So look, I know ah...we haven't really taken the training wheels off this whole brother thing, (Nathan smiles.) but I wanna ask you something. I went down to the dealership today and...found some pictures. NATHAN: (Nods. He obviously already knows about them.) The ones of you in his desk. LUCAS: Y-you know about those? NATHAN: Its part of the reason I hated you all those years. LUCAS: (sighs) Well, he said he wants me to help him with his rehab. NATHAN: And what'd you say? LUCAS: Said I wouldn't be a stand-in Nathan. (Nathan nods.) FERGIE: Night man. SKILLS: Take it easy. NATHAN: (Waving) Alright guys. MOUTH: Yeah, we should probably go bail Tim out. NATHAN: (Standing) Well, it looks like we got 'Tim'd again. LUCAS: Yeah. NATHAN: You might as well head out too man. LUCAS: You sure? NATHAN: Yeah, don't worry about it. LUCAS: You know what? (Picks up his backpack.) Actually, I have something for ya. (Hands his backpack over.) (Nathan smiles and opens it. He pulls out one of the jumpsuit like things that Dan's employees probably wear. It says 'DSM Dan Scott Motors' on the back.) It's for your new job. Look, Keith needs some help down at the dealership, he's a good boss so I figured...probably pays better than what you're making now right? (They laugh.) NATHAN: Thank you man. LUCAS: (They slap hands.) Later. NATHAN: Alright. (Stops Lucas as he's about to leave the apartment.) Hey Lucas? (Lucas turns.) Look uh, I understand if you have to...find out about Dan yourself; whatever you decide to do, it's not gonna affect you and me. (pause) He's come between us before...let's just not let it happen again. LUCAS: Thanks man. (leaves) (Nathan sighs and looks back down at the uniform.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PINK PEARL - BACK ROOM - EVENING] (A woman holds onto the pole and walks around the multicoloured platform. We hear Brooke laugh. Cut to a table where Brooke and Peyton are sitting. Haley is between them, holding a glass of ice to her head. Someone who looks like the boss walks up to Brooke.) BOSS: Excuse me, Miss Davis. Your credit card's been declined. (Peyton and Haley stare. Brooke rolls her eyes, opens her wallet and pulls out another card.) BOSS: Thank you. (He swipes it through the machine and it comes up as 'rejected'.) Well then...looks like we have a problem. BROOKE: (Slightly scared.) Um...so what's your policy on IOU's? (She looks nervously at the dancing girls.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Nathan is going through a red bag when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door to the stripper.) STRIPPER/SIMONE: You must be Nathan. I'm Simone. Sorry I'm late. (Unties her pink coat.) NATHAN: Oh no, it's OK but uh...the party's actually over. (Trying to get rid of her before he does something stupid.) SIMONE: Oh I don't think so. Party's just getting started. (Nathan is clearly uncomfortable.) FADE OUT: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Simone puts her coat over the back of the couch and approaches Nathan in a black dress.) SIMONE: Wild night? NATHAN: (sitting on a stool.) More like a long night. SIMONE: Hope it's not too late to give you a show. NATHAN: Oh thanks but uh, it's OK. SIMONE: (Coming on to him.) You sure? I'm already paid for. NATHAN: No um...I think I'm (looks at her touching his shoulder) good. SIMONE: Or at least you're trying to be. (Nathan laughs.) It's fine. I can call a cab to pick me up. NATHAN: (nods) OK. SIMONE: (Draping her arms over his shoulders.) In the meantime, I have an idea about what we can do while we wait. (Nathan looks at her nervously.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PINK PEARL - BACK ROOM - EVENING] (Brooke is looking at the credit card bills.) BROOKE: I can not believe my stupid parents didn't pay the credit card bill. (Even she knows that something's wrong.) PEYTON: We've got a hundred and forty in cash, at most. (Puts some notes on the table. Brooke sighs.) So what're we gonna do? BROOKE: I'm gonna take care of it. PEYTON: How? BROOKE: Little negotiation. PEYTON: Brooke, you can not talk your way out of a thousand dollar bill. BROOKE: Don't be silly. A girl can do anything she puts miles to. (Walks to the boss. Peyton stares unconvinced.) (Flirts obviously.)Hi. I was wondering if there might be an...alternate way to settle this ball. BOSS: (Laughs cruelly) It's a strip club honey. BROOKE: ...Um-hm. BOSS: How dirty you willing to get? (Brooke laughs nervously.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PINK PEARL - KITCHEN - EVENING] (Shot of dirty dishes on the worktop. Pan to show Brooke standing over a sink, in an apron.) BROOKE: How dirty are you willing to get? PEYTON: (Enters in an apron also, holding a cup of water.) Well I hope this is dirty enough for you. Hey! (Whistles and jostles Haley who is sitting on top of the counter - not wearing an apron - with her head down.) Here, drink this. (Haley takes the cup and drinks.) It'll help you with your hangover tomorrow. (Haley chokes on the liquid as she tastes it.) HALEY: What's in it? PEYTON: You don't wanna know. Drink up! HALEY: You sure you guys don't want me to help you wash the dishes? I totally can. BROOKE: Absolutely not(!) The guest of honour is not doing the dishes. PEYTON: Look, we're probably gonna be here for a while so you should just take that limo home. (Haley nods and yawns.) I think Mrs Scott's had a long night. HALEY: Hm (Smiles.) Mrs Scott. (Peyton and Brooke laugh.) You guys probably think I'm crazy for getting married. PEYTON: No! (reconsiders.) Alright um, maybe a little. BROOKE: You guys totally have the whole Nick and Jessica thing going on just...without...stockaratsi and chickeny-tuna. (Peyton laughs.) HALEY: (Smiling) Yeah well, I guess I can't really help it if I found the guy I wanna be with my first time out. (Peyton's face falls but she still has a smile.) Isn't that what it's all about? Maybe if we're not out there looking for the one we wanna be with forever then what are we doing? BROOKE: (She and Peyton are not smiling now. Haley hit a cord.) (Trying not to sound sad.) Having fun? HALEY: Oh, love is fun! This kind of love is anyway. Actually, I'd really like to go home to my husband if you don't mind. BROOKE: (Holding up green gloved hands.) Class dismissed. HALEY: Thank you. (They help her off the counter.) PEYTON: Woah! HALEY: Thank you so much for tonight. (Hugs Brooke.) Thank you guys. PEYTON: You won't be thanking us tomorrow. (Smiles.) HALEY: Yeah. (Brooke laughs) PEYTON: Bye! HALEY: (Turns and leaves.) Bye. BROOKE: (Giving Peyton a pair of gloves.) Come on goldilocks. Grime is money. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Nathan and Simone are playing NBA Live. Nathan isn't as hot on the console as he is in the Field House.) SIMONE: I thought you'd actually be good at this game. NATHAN: I was going easy on you before, I'm about to take the safety's off now though. SIMIONE: Oo, I'm shaking. (Looks at his ring.) Funny, people usually call me before the wedding. So what's it like? Being married. NATHAN: I love it. And Haley, she's great and well she's the one for me. SIMONE: Even if one's all you get? (She slam-dunks.) Yeah(!) Game over for you baby. (Her double meaning is obvious.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE LIMO - EVENING] (Haley lies back in the limo.) HALEY: Driver! Take me home to my guy. (Shot of the limo pulling out of the drive of the 'Pink Pearl'.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - EVENING] (Lucas walks into the shop looking for Keith. He finds him in the office.) LUCAS: Hey! KEITH: Hey Luke. What're you doing here so late? LUCAS: You know, I could ask you that very same thing. KEITH: (they laugh.) I'm just trying to catch up. Even though it's 'Dan Scott Motors', I still wanna do well. You know? LUCAS: Yeah. KEITH: So what's up? LUCAS: Well um...I wanted to thank you for the job offer...and tell you that I can't accept it. KEITH: (is disappointed.) Oh...OK. LUCAS: But I offered the job to Nathan. (Keith smiles.) I hope...that's OK with you. KEITH: Yeah well, I know he could use the cash. LUCAS: And the guidance too. Look Keith, you've always helped me out...well now its Nathan's turn. (That makes Keith happy.) Alright, well I'll get outta your way. KEITH: Oh no, you're fine. I'm just trying to find those inventory printouts. (He puts the lockbox on the table. Lucas looks at it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Nathan is looking out of his living room window.) NATHAN: How long ago did you call that cab? I (He looks at his watch.) think it shoulda been here by now. SIMONE: (Stands up.) Um...I have a confession to make. I didn't call a cab. (Pulls the straps of her dress down. Nathan is beyond scared.) My car is outside. You're really cute Nathan. You're young. (Walks to him.) You're athletic. You suck at video games. I was paid a lot of money to show you a good time tonight and if your idea of a good time is getting your butt kicked by a girl on Playstation, I'm fine with that but there's also a lot of other things I'd be fine with. (Circle him like a bird does its prey.) There's a lot of things I'm good at Nathan; keeping a secret is only one of them. I'll be in the bedroom. You decide what you want. (Walks into Nathan and Haley's bedroom in only her underwear.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - EVENING] (The limo door opens and Haley steps out. She's relieved to be home again. She skips up to the apartment.) FADE OUT: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - EVENING] (Nathan walks into his and Haley's bedroom. The lights are off and he's looking a little nervous. He takes his shirt off and walks up to the bed.) NATHAN: I want you. (Camera switches to show that he's talking to Haley.) HALEY: (Shaking her head in awe.) God I love you. (Nathan shakes his head slightly, pushes her back on the bed and kisses her.) HALEY: How was the stripper? NATHAN: Pretty good; at NBA Live. (Haley laughs.) Other than that, I had no interest in her. I actually had to ask her to leave. (Haley laughs again.) How was the shower? HALEY: Um...it was educational. NATHAN: Oh yeah? What'd you learn? HALEY: What I already knew. You are the one that I want. NATHAN: Yeah, me too. (She kisses him and gets off the bed.) Hey, where you going? HALEY: Well, you know how I said tonight was educational? (Picks up the bag.) Honey, you're gonna love the homework. (Slinks off into the bathroom and closes the door. Nathan's lost.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE LIMO - EVENING] (Peyton is staring out of the window.) BROOKE: (o.s) I was thinking about what Haley said. (Shrugs) You know how it's all supposed to be for love. PEYTON: Kinda scary huh? BROOKE: Yeah. (pause) Do you think she's right? PEYTON: I know she is. (o.s) But...that's not the part that scares me. BROOKE: So what does? PEYTON: People are gonna disappoint you; I get that, I kinda expect that but...I dunno, what if you wake up one day and realise that you're the disappointment? (Brooke turns away thinking and it is pretty much obvious that there was more to last seasons 'pregnancy' than she ever told Lucas.) PEYTON: What's on your mind Brooke? BROOKE: I was just thinking about...how we're gonna pay for this limo. (They laugh) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - EST SHOT - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DANS ROOM - DAY] (Deb is messing around with flowers on Dan's bedside table.) DEB: I spoke to the lawyer about the situation with Nathan and Haley. He says it's gonna be a lot tougher than he thought. (She sits down.) It doesn't look like there's any way to invalidate their marriage. DAN: There's nothing we can do. DEB: Legally. (Dan smirks.) What, you look surprised. Why, because it's something you would say? DAN: No. No, I was just thinking that...maybe we don't have to take such drastic measures. DEB: (Frustrated) Oh, snap out of it Dan! Phoenix Effect or not, I need some help. DAN: They're teenagers Deb. Once the newly wed s*x wears off, they'll realise the only thing keeping this marriage afloat is a minimum wage job pushing pretzels with no benefits. Then money problems will kick in...and they'll start to wonder why they rushed into the whole thing. Their marriage will probably self-destruct and we won't even have to lift a finger. DEB: (Sceptically) And what if it doesn't? DAN: (Already scheming) I had a heart attack Deb, not a lobotomy. (Oh dear, they are now two of a kind.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] (Karen walks into the kitchen where Lucas is at the counter.) KAREN: Thought you had to be at work. LUCAS: Oh um...not gonna take the job at the dealership. I offered it to Nathan, he needs it more and besides, (hinting) I'm gonna have my hands full at the café. KAREN: The café? LUCAS: Well, seeing as you're gonna be so busy with college and classes. (Karen smiles.) Somebody's gotta take care of things at the café. Right? KAREN: Maybe so. (Lucas smiles and tosses an apple.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALEY AND NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Nathan, wearing the uniform and looking mighty spiffy, kisses Haley. Haley is on the laptop.) HALEY: Bye. Hey um, do me a favour; don't change when you come home from work. (smirking suggestively) I'm kinda into the whole mechanic thing. NATHAN: No problem ma'am. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREETS - ATM MACHINE - DAY] (Brooke puts her card into the ATM machine and types in her PIN. Peyton stands next to her, bored. The screen flashes 'INSUFFICIENT FUNDS. PLEASE SEE BANK PERSONNEL TO RECLAIM YOUR CARD'.) BROOKE: (Bangs the machine.) What's going on(!) (Peyton looks.) Come on! (Bangs it again. It seems that Brooke doesn't have money anymore.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAY] (Nathan enters the shop for his first day of work. Keith looks up and they smile at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL COLLEGE - DAY] (Karen is walking up to the college, laden with books. She is a cross between nervous and happy. She walks past a fountain and into college grounds.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DOORSTEP - DAY] (Apparently Deb has allowed Dan to move back in as she is helping him up the drive. Lucas drives up in the car and gets out. Deb sees him. Lucas nods and holds up a hand. Dan turns to look.) DEB: I'll be inside. (She walks into the house.) LUCAS: (Walks up to Dan) Those pictures in the lockbox...don't change anything. Don't even thing for a second that they do. DAN: I know I can't change our past Lucas...but I'm hoping I can change our future. (He turns to walk but still finds it a little difficult. Realising, Lucas steps up to help him and we just have to hope that Dan doesn't use Lucas to break Nathan and Haley up. Dan puts an arm around Lucas, smiling to himself, and they walk into the house). The end

Plan: A: a post-wedding bachelor party; Q: What kind of party does Tim want to throw for Nathan? A: Brooke; Q: Who throws Haley a bachelorette party? A: Dan; Q: Who does Lucas have to decide whether to visit in the hospital? A: Karen; Q: Who decides to go back to school? A: Keith; Q: Who does Nathan work for? A: Dan's dealership; Q: Where does Nathan get a job? A: R.E.M.; Q: What band is this episode named after? Summary: Although Nathan and Haley are already married, Tim insists on throwing Nathan a post-wedding bachelor party, while Brooke throws Haley a bachelorette party. Meanwhile, Lucas has to decide whether he should visit Dan in the hospital. Karen decides to go back to school. Nathan gets a job working for Keith at Dan's dealership. This episode is named after a song by R.E.M.

THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH WORLD'S END 5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. RIVERSIDE (At the top of a flight of steps, a man slowly steps into view. He is dressed in shabby, ill-fitting clothes, the shirt of which has a unusual series of broken jagged white symbols emblazoned on it. Strangest of all, he wears a strange metallic helmet on his head which covers his cranium and is attached to a metallic collar which surrounds his neck. Behind him on a brick wall is a poster that reads "EMERGENCY REGULATIONS. IT IS FORBIDDEN TO DUMP BODIES INTO THE RIVER". The wall is part of a support of a bridge over the river. The man stops momentarily, gives out a cry and tears the collar part of his helmet away. With a glazed expression, he walks down the steps towards the river's edge. He does not stop here but continues to walk into the water, falls face down onto its surface...and floats away. At the top of the steps, in front of the poster, the TARDIS silently materialises.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The scanner screen continues to show the hazy indistinct image. The DOCTOR walks up to the console, coughing, tutting and muttering in exasperation. He dusts his handkerchief over the controls and flicks a switch several times without success.) DOCTOR: Mmm! It's not clear, it's not clear at all! (His three companions enter the room. SUSAN chattering away to IAN, her words lost over the sound of the DOCTOR'S continued mutterings.) DOCTOR: What has gone wrong? IAN: (Looking at the scanner.) Well Doctor, where are we now then? BARBARA: Somewhere nice and quiet, I hope. SUSAN: (To the DOCTOR.) Oh yes! Let's have a holiday! DOCTOR: Take a look for yourselves. (SUSAN turns her head and joins the teachers in looking at the scanner.) BARBARA: Well, I can't see anything. IAN: Well, neither can I. (SUSAN starts to look at the read outs on the console.) DOCTOR: Well, it looks like moving water to me. It might be a river...somewhere. I don't know, hmm! What's the reading Susan, hmm? (He walks round the console and stands by his Granddaughter.) SUSAN: Radiation nil, Oxygen normal, pressure normal. Grandfather, it's an earth reading. (IAN and BARBARA smile at each other and stand next to each other.) DOCTOR: Well I...I don't want to boast but we might be somewhere in London, hmm? IAN: (Laughing.) Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go and have a look! BARBARA: (To SUSAN.) Come on, open the doors. (She does so and all four walk outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. RIVERSIDE (The four walk out of the ship. IAN and BARBARA walk towards the top of the steps and look out over the river towards a warehouse on the opposite bank. The DOCTOR stands to one side with his arm round SUSAN. All is silent.) IAN: Barbara, we made it! We're here! DOCTOR: Well, there we are, back home, your planet. (He laughs with satisfaction.) IAN: You brought us a long way round, Doctor. DOCTOR: (He laughs again.) More by good luck than judgement, hmm? (He laughs again as he goes to examine the dereliction of their immediate surroundings.) DOCTOR: Oh, what a horrible mess. BARBARA: Are we down by the docks? IAN: (Cupping his hands and shouting.) Heeellllooooo! (The silence continues...) IAN: Pretty deserted. Probably Sunday. (SUSAN runs towards to one side of the landing area.) DOCTOR: It's uncanny. I wonder which era we've landed in? IAN: What was that Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh, I, I was just wondering about the time factor, my boy. IAN: Oh, a year or two either way doesn't make much difference to us, you know. DOCTOR: Well, I hope for both your sakes it's nearer your time than nearer mine. We might have landed in the early 1900's or the, twenty-fifth century. BARBARA: Well, it's still London, anyway. IAN: Yes! (He spots SUSAN starting to climb part of the wall.) IAN: Hey! What are you doing? SUSAN: Oh, I'm just having a look. You can't see much down there, can you? DOCTOR: (Almost to himself.) Yes, that's the word I was looking for - decay. Hmm. Most odd, most odd. BARBARA: Doctor, what's worrying you? DOCTOR: Well you take this bridge now. It isn't an easy task is it? Look at all this neglect all over the place. Been abandoned, all of it. IAN: There's always a mess with construction work, Doctor. DOCTOR: Ah, perhaps, perhaps. BARBARA: Oh, come on Doctor, stop spoiling everything. DOCTOR: (Holding her by the arms.) Oh, my dear, I...believe you me, I wouldn't spoil your homecoming for all the world. SUSAN: (Near the top of the wall.) I still can't see much. There's not a sign of any people any...ahh! (She loses her footing and falls badly to the ground.) IAN: (Reprovingly.) Susan! (BARBARA then the DOCTOR go over to attend to the stricken girl.) BARBARA: Oh, I think she's just shaken. DOCTOR: (Angrily.) Yes, she's always dashing about, aren't you? You're far too curious. IAN: Oh, lucky it wasn't any worse. (There is a sudden grinding noise. IAN points above them.) IAN: Look out! The whole things coming down! (He joins the DOCTOR and BARBARA in carrying SUSAN out of the ways of the falling metal. They turn and see through the dust that a huge latticed metal girder has landed in front of the TARDIS - completely blocking the door.) DOCTOR: The ship, Chesterton, the ship! (The DOCTOR and IAN walk towards the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Don't go too near, my boy, it isn't safe. IAN: The whole bridge has collapsed! DOCTOR: Yes, well it's all crumbling. (IAN examines the girder.) IAN: We're going to need help to shift this. DOCTOR: Yes, it's going to be very difficult. But remember, we're in London. IAN: Oh, what's that got to do with it? DOCTOR: Well, the, the, the people, they'll all be curious. They'll want to know why we're trying to break into a police box. Hmm? IAN: Yes. If they don't ask what a police box is doing under a bridge in the first place. DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. IAN: You know, it's primarily...this girder. What I need is an acetylene torch. DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Oh, my dear boy, you can't just whisk up men and material out of the thin air, now can you? Hmm? IAN: (Looking across the river.) There's a warehouse over there, Doctor. I might be able to find a crowbar or something. DOCTOR: (Laughing at IAN.) You know, my dear boy, I never fail to be impressed by your optimism. You can't move that by sheer brute force. You were right - you need a cutting flame. IAN: (Quietly.) I know one thing for sure, Doctor. We'd better make sure we can get back into the ship before we start looking around. Just in case there's trouble. DOCTOR: (Nods with approval.) It's intelligent, hmm. That's good. (He walks away in thought.) DOCTOR: But you know, young man, I have a feeling, well call it inst...intuition if you like, I don't believe we're anywhere near your time, the 1960's. IAN: (Following him.) Er, I hope it is only an intuition, Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, well ask yourself. Here we are standing by the Thames and, er, we've been here quite a while, how long, what, ooh, quarter of an hour, twenty minutes? Hmm? IAN: Easily. But what about it? DOCTOR: Well, what have we heard? Hmm? Nothing, precisely nothing. No sound of birdsong. No voices. No sound of shipping. Not even the chimes of old Big Ben. Hmm! It's uncanny, hmm? Uncanny. (The sound of SUSAN and BARBARA'S talking reaches him. He walks over to them.) BARBARA: No bones broken anyway. SUSAN: Oh, thank goodness. (SUSAN leans on BARBARA as she cannot stand on her hurt ankle.) SUSAN: I'm sorry about what happened, Grandfather. DOCTOR: Oh, so you're sitting up and taking notice again are you? Hmm? SUSAN: Don't be angry with me. There was no real harm done, was there? I just twisted my ankle... DOCTOR: (Sarcastically.) No! No harm done, child. No harm done, no. Do you realise we can't get into the ship and what's all this rubble then? (He gestures at the TARDIS.) Look at it! Hmm? SUSAN: I didn't pull the bridge down on purpose. (IAN laughs at the DOCTOR'S exasperation.) IAN: The Doctor and I are going to have a look in that warehouse over there. BARBARA: Well, can't we all go? IAN: Well, how's your ankle, Susan? SUSAN: I'll try it. (SUSAN tries to hobble but falls to the ground in pain.) SUSAN: Not very good, is it? (BARBARA kneels down and takes SUSAN'S shoe off to examine her ankle.) SUSAN: It's awfully swollen. IAN: Well, that settles it then. You need to stay here. DOCTOR: We shall be as quick as we can. (To SUSAN.) And you bathe that ankle. What you need is a jolly good smacked bottom!! (To IAN.) Come on. (He stalks off as BARBARA and SUSAN look at him in surprise at his inability to see that SUSAN is no longer a young girl. IAN ruffles her hair in a friendly fashion and follows the old man.) BARBARA: Oh Susan, it is swollen. SUSAN: Yes BARBARA: Can you twiddle your toes? (She manages to do so.) SUSAN: At least that's alright. BARBARA: You wait here then. I'll go and wet my handkerchief in the river. (She walks off.) SUSAN: (Calling after her.) I'm sorry Barbara. (SUSAN hits her leg in frustration and nervously looks around her silent surroundings.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. WAREHOUSE (The area around the warehouse is as deserted as the riverside. The only sound is that of a chain hanging from a wharf crane as it creaks in the wind.. The DOCTOR and IAN climb onto the first steps of a staircase leading into the warehouse.) DOCTOR: Let's take a swift look. (IAN nods. They start to walk up the steps. A loose plank rests on one of the steps. The DOCTOR steps onto it.) IAN: Careful Doctor. DOCTOR: (Turning to IAN.) I'm not a half-wit. (They continue up the staircase and enter the warehouse.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. WAREHOUSE (The inside of the warehouse is as derelict as elsewhere. It's crumbling interior is filled with abandoned boxes and other items. The DOCTOR and IAN starts to clamber round them.) IAN: (Calling out.) Hello there! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. RIVERSIDE (BARBARA climbs back up from the river carrying the wet handkerchief and sees the "EMERGENCY REGULATIONS" poster. She hesitates and reads it in puzzlement. She walks round the TARDIS and the collapsed girder to where SUSAN waits on the ground. She kneels down beside her.) BARBARA: You know, we're not in our time in London, Susan. SUSAN: Why do you say that? BARBARA: (Wrapping the handkerchief round SUSAN'S ankle.) Well, I know London. It isn't like this. The river's too quiet and...there's no sound of traffic. There's a strange poster on the wall back there. Just doesn't make sense. SUSAN: Well, off we go again! (She sees the look of disappointment on BARBARA'S face.) SUSAN: I'm sorry Barbara. Is it selfish to want us all to stay together? BARBARA: (Laughs gently.) No, of course not. We ought to be able to hear something. I mean it's ridiculous. SUSAN: Thing's have to stay as they are, don't they? Can't change. BARBARA: I suppose so. Anyway, maybe they've done away with noise altogether. How's your ankle feeling? SUSAN: Oh, its throbbing crazy. BARBARA: Mmm. Don't think this is wet enough. Hold on a minute. (She walks away with the handkerchief back towards the water.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. WAREHOUSE (IAN and the DOCTOR have explored further into the warehouse climbing down a narrow wooden staircase. IAN heads towards another doorway but the DOCTOR calls him towards a different direction.) DOCTOR: Chesterton? IAN: Mmm? DOCTOR: Come here. (As IAN follows him, a young man, DAVID CAMPBELL watches them go.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE WAREHOUSE (The DOCTOR pushes the door open and enters the room followed by IAN. Empty pallets, boxes and packing cases litter the dusty room. The DOCTOR coughs and waves his handkerchief in front of his face.) IAN: Empty. DOCTOR: What a musty smell. This place hasn't been used in years. (Coughs.) (He walks further into the room and starts to examine its contents as IAN looks through a nearby window.) IAN: Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? (He beckons him over.) IAN: Lost two chimneys... DOCTOR: Mmm? [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION (The familiar shape of the power station is disfigured by the fact that two of its chimneys are nothing but ruined stumps. Next to the station is the round shape of a nuclear power plant.) DOCTOR: (OOV.) What's that monstrosity out there, mm? IAN: (OOV.) It's Battersea power station. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE WAREHOUSE IAN: What's happened to those two chimneys? DOCTOR: Hmm. What's happened to London, dear boy, is more to the point. (He laughs gently and steps away from the window.) IAN: Must have gone over to nuclear power. (The DOCTOR crosses over to a desk and pulls open a drawer from which he takes an object. He reaches into his waistcoat pocket, pulls out his glasses and puts them on. IAN looks around him. The DOCTOR examines the object.) DOCTOR: Ah, here, look. (Laughs.) IAN: Mmm? DOCTOR: Ah then, at least we know the century, dear boy, look. (The object is a "page a day" calendar, the top page of which reads...) IAN: 2164! [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. RIVERSIDE (BARBARA thoroughly douses the handkerchief in the water. She looks up in shock. The dead body of the man with the strange helmet is floating in the water near to her. She walks back in shock to the ship. There is no sign of SUSAN.) BARBARA: Susan!? (There is the sudden sound of gunfire.) BARBARA: Susan!? (A roughly dressed and dirty man drops down from the top of the wall.) BARBARA: Who are you? INSURGENT: (Panicked.) Do you want to get killed? BARBARA: Where's Susan? What have you done with her? INSURGENT: Do you mean the girl? Tyler's got her. Well come on. We've got to get out of here. Quick! Follow me! (He runs off. BARBARA glances towards the warehouse over the river, hesitates, then runs after the man.) BARBARA: Wait! [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE WAREHOUSE (The sound of gunfire reaches the warehouse but is not noticed by the DOCTOR as he continues to examine the contents.) DOCTOR: (Muttering.) All this jumble here... (He moves two small boxes off the top of a larger cardboard box. This falls over and a body falls out - wearing a similar helmet to the one who threw himself into the river. The two men rush to examine him.) IAN: What...he's dead. DOCTOR: Hmm? IAN: (Pointing at the helmet.) What on earth is this? DOCTOR: Well it's some sort of adornment but...what for? IAN: I don't know. Do you think it could be some sort of medical aid, Doctor? You know, if he fractured his skull, something to knit the bones together? DOCTOR: No, I...think there's something more to it than that. (Examining the helmet.) You know, I think that this is an extra ear. Ideal for picking up high frequency radio waves. IAN: You mean these people have invented some form of personal communication? DOCTOR: (Holding up his monocle.) Yes, something like that. Hmm. (IAN spots something lying next to the man.) IAN: Well, what's this? (He picks the object up. It is a vicious looking, multi-tasseled whip.) IAN: A whip? Why? DOCTOR: Well, whatever it is, I wouldn't like to meet one of these fellows, you know. Hmm? (They suddenly hear a creaking noise in the other room. They stand up and the body falls over slightly. A knife is sticking out of its torso.) DOCTOR: Been murdered. (The creaking noise sounds is heard again. IAN rushes through the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE WAREHOUSE (This part of the warehouse is even more decrepit. Narrow passageways are cluttered with junk and fallen supports, some of which block IAN'S way. He kicks another door open.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE WAREHOUSE (They find themselves in another derelict room.) IAN: A storeroom. That noise came from up here. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. WAREHOUSE (They find themselves back in the room with the narrow wooden staircase. IAN goes back to the door he was going to try earlier. It is locked. He stands back, takes a run at the door...) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. WAREHOUSE (...and falls into empty space as the fallen door crashes down a metal staircase and IAN grabs hold of some metal supports, dangling high above the ground. The DOCTOR leans out of the doorway and pulls him in.) DOCTOR: Ah, dear boy! Come on! (IAN clambers to safety. The DOCTOR gasps for breath and mutters about the fright he gave him.) IAN: Ah, no one can get through that way! DOCTOR: Ah, except you! Ah, I think we'd better pause in this search and get back to the others. IAN: Alright. You lead on. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. WAREHOUSE (As the DOCTOR and IAN walk back through the warehouse, DAVID CAMPBELL moves aside some of cylindrical containers and picks up the fallen whip. He watches the two men go.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. DERELICT LAND (BARBARA chases the INSURGENT through the derelict riverside of London. In front of them, SUSAN is carried in the arms of another man - CARL TYLER. BARBARA runs past decaying buildings and under the shells of long collapsed roofs. She steps into the open but a warning hand held up from round the corner of a brick building waves her to go back into hiding. She does so. The INSURGENT, feeling it is now safe, runs into the open and makes for a hanger like building. BARBARA follows him at a short distance. She looks into the hanger and sees the INSURGENT run out of the other side. Again, she follows. TYLER carries SUSAN down some steps. Some way behind, BARBARA gingerly climbs a metal staircase, looking round her all the time. Running along, she finds her way blocked by a latticed gate. She tugs unsuccessfully at it. A hand grabs her arm...) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. WAREHOUSE (A jet like sound carries through the air as IAN and the DOCTOR stand outside the warehouse. They look round them and, to their shock and surprise see...) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. LONDON (...a flying saucer gliding above the London skyline.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. PASSAGEWAY (CARL TYLER carries SUSAN through a narrow subway like passage. BARBARA follows. As she glances behind her, she walks into a small metal drum lying on the ground.) SUSAN: Careful Barbara! [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. LONDON (The saucer descends to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. UNDERGROUND STEPS (CARL TYLER carries SUSAN down some steps. BARBARA is immediately behind them.) CARL TYLER: (To BARBARA.) Quickly now! SUSAN: What about Grandfather and my other friend? CARL TYLER: We'll do the best we can. SUSAN: (Struggling in his arms.) That's not what you said just now! BARBARA: You promised you'd find a way... CARL TYLER: There isn't time to argue. We'll collect your friends later. Now come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. RIVERSIDE (IAN and the DOCTOR have arrived back at the TARDIS landing site and look around for their companions.) IAN: Barbara! Susan! (To the DOCTOR.) Why? Why do they do it? (IAN hits a metal drum in frustration and sits down in front of the girder.) DOCTOR: Oh well, it might have been something to do with that gunfire we heard across the river. IAN: Yes, I suppose they might have hidden somewhere. DOCTOR: Well, lets wait and see, hmm? (He sits down next to IAN.) IAN: That body. You know, I want to get away from here. DOCTOR: Yes, but, aren't you even a bit curious, after all, it's your city, you know. Do you no want, don't you want to know what's happened to it, hmm? IAN: No. (He gets up, obviously upset, and walks a short distance away.) IAN: (Quietly.) No, I don't want to know. (Frustrated.) Oh, where the devil are those two? [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. OUTSIDE THE SHELTER (BARBARA, SUSAN and CARL TYLER walk down some steps into an underground room. There is a large poster of an elephant on the wall with a sticker emblazoned across it which reads "VETOED". BARBARA is running ahead.) CARL TYLER: (To BARBARA.) Hold on! BARBARA: (Stopping.) Is this it? CARL TYLER: Yes. Now get back. (TYLER places SUSAN on the ground and presses the trunk of the elephant on the poster. On the wall next to it, a beam retracts into the wall revealing a narrow hole-like entrance.) DAVID CAMPBELL: (OOV.) Tyler? CARL TYLER: Yes. (DAVID CAMPBELL clambers out of the hole.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Dortmun's on the rampage about... (He spots BARBARA as she steps forward. He holds up a knife.) DAVID CAMPBELL: ...And who have we got here? CARL TYLER: I found a couple of them down by the river, open targets. BARBARA: Well, we didn't know. (DAVID puts the knife away.) CARL TYLER: I suppose you didn't but you know now. DAVID CAMPBELL: (To BARBARA.) Can you cook? BARBARA: Yes...I can get by. DAVID CAMPBELL: Good. We need some cooks. BARBARA: Listen... CARL TYLER: Alright, let's get down. DAVID CAMPBELL: (To TYLER.) I had a struggle with one of the robomen. CARL TYLER: Well? DAVID CAMPBELL: Well he was waiting for me. That means we'll have to change the storehouse. CARL TYLER: Alright. Tell Dortmun. Have you just come from there? DAVID CAMPBELL: Yes. CARL TYLER: These have got a couple of friends down there they want us to bring back. DAVID CAMPBELL: Well, I didn't see anyone there except that I was nearly caught by a couple of... (Stops, then to SUSAN.) They didn't go into the old warehouse did they? That's opposite the old power station. SUSAN: Yes, I think they did. DAVID CAMPBELL: Yeah, and I thought they were enemies. (A man, wearing glasses, in a wheelchair suddenly pushes himself into view behind BARBARA.) DORTMUN: Tyler, where have you been? What the devil have you been doing? CARL TYLER: They've landed a saucer at the heliport. DORTMUN: Saucer? CARL TYLER: Yes. DORTMUN: Ah! This time we'll be ready for them. CARL TYLER: You shouldn't be up here. DORTMUN: I'm as active as anybody else. CARL TYLER: Alright, Dortmun, I know. DORTMUN: (Looking at the two women.) Two more pairs of hands, hmm? Good! We need... DAVID CAMPBELL: (Interrupting and pointing at BARBARA.) She say's she can cook! DORTMUN: Oh, can you? DAVID CAMPBELL: (To SUSAN.) And what do you do? SUSAN: I eat! DAVID CAMPBELL: (Passes his hand over his hair in despair.) Look, I'll try and find the two friends and I'll bring them back here. DORTMUN: David! SUSAN: Thank you. DORTMUN: David! Where are you going? DAVID CAMPBELL: Well, there's two more of them down by the warehouse. DORTMUN: Men, are they? DAVID CAMPBELL: Yes. DORTMUN: Ah, good, now don't be too long away. I'm going through the attack plans with Tyler as soon as possible. I want you to be there. DAVID CAMPBELL: Right. SUSAN: What attack plans? DORTMUN: Why are you sitting down? SUSAN: I...I've hurt my ankle. What attack plans? DORTMUN: (Ignoring the question.) Come along Tyler. Get these people below. That's a way. I'll stay here...on watch. (CARL TYLER picks up SUSAN and carries her through the doorway that DORTMUN came through. The man himself presses the elephants' trunk to close the beam door, wheels his chair to a position where he can observe the steps and pulls out a knife to defend himself with.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. RIVERSIDE (The DOCTOR sits in front of the girder as IAN slowly paces the ground. He stops and looks at the river.) IAN: High tide. DOCTOR: Hmm? IAN: High tide. DOCTOR: Evening. How filthy that water is, hmm? (IAN walks round the between the TARDIS and the wall. He sees the poster.) IAN: Doctor! Doctor, come and have a look at this! DOCTOR: (Joining him.) Hmm? What? IAN: Look. (The DOCTOR reads the poster.) DOCTOR: Huh! Stupid! (Laughs.) IAN: Well, read it! Read it! (He grabs his arm and makes him look at the poster again.) DOCTOR: Well, I repeat, it's stupid. Stupid place to put a poster. Right under a bridge where nobody can read it or see it. IAN: I don't know. If you have a body to get rid of, I should think it's a very good place to come to. DOCTOR: A dead human body in the river? I should say that's near murder isn't it, hmm? IAN: "Bring out your dead." DOCTOR: Hmm? Plague? (The DOCTOR considers the idea.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. BUILDING WINDOW (DAVID CAMPBELL looks out of a window overlooking the TARDIS landing site and sees the two men.) DAVID CAMPBELL: There they are. That must be them. (He glances round.) Argh! (He slaps his hand to his forehead in frustration.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. WHARFSIDE (Below the window, two ROBOMEN, wearing their control helmets, walk in unison along the wharfside. They stop at the same time and simultaneously swing round, looking around them. They then carry on, again walking in unison.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EXT. RIVERSIDE DOCTOR: That's got me worried. Very worried. IAN: You know Doctor, I reckon that flying saucer disappeared (Points.)...somewhere over the other side of the river. In the direction of Sloan Square. Somewhere over there, anyway. DOCTOR: Yes, now never mind about that flying saucer, my boy, that suggestion of yours about the plague: supposing one of them's been in that water? They're bound to be contaminated with some sort of bacteria, hmm? IAN: They're not likely to drink that, are they? DOCTOR: No, the smell of it's enough. Anyway, let us go further afield, come along, come along. (They walk round the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Now I suggest that you go up that way, then I go... (Three ROBOMEN, whips in hand, stand in their path. They run to one side. Another ROBOMAN appears at the top of a flight of steps. The DOCTOR and IAN walk backwards. DAVID CAMPBELL stands on the other side of the TARDIS, in front of the poster, muttering quiet encouragement's to the two trapped men.) IAN: We could try running. DOCTOR: ... down there... (Points at the river.) hmm? IAN: Do you mean swim? DOCTOR: Hmm, what else? IAN: Well hang on, we haven't tried talking yet. (The fourth ROBOMAN joins its companions.) IAN: What do you want? (Two of the ROBOMEN slowly raise their whips and drawl out an order.) ROBOMEN: Stoooppp! IAN: No good, listen, when I give the word, turn and dive in the water. DOCTOR: Hmm. (Behind them, a familiar dome shape starts to appear from the water. An eye-stalk on the dome swings round as more of the object appears. A sucker arm rises out of the water as the creature moves nearer the waters edge.) IAN: Now! (They turn to the water but stop in their tracks as they see...a DALEK gliding out from the waters of the river Thames...)

Plan: A: The TARDIS; Q: What is the name of the Doctor's time machine? A: the 22nd century; Q: What century is it when the TARDIS returns to London? A: bodies; Q: What is in the river? A: the docklands; Q: Where is the quiet? A: The Daleks; Q: Who has invaded London? Summary: The TARDIS returns to London; however, it's the 22nd century. With bodies in the river, and quiet in the docklands, the city is a very different place. The Daleks have invaded and it's up to the Doctor to thwart them once again.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is packing her belongings to move to Ross's. She's standing in the kitchen.] Rachel: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine? Monica: This bottle opener. (She grabs it off of the freezer door.) Rachel: And? Monica: And it's a magnet! Rachel: Look at that! Ross: How weird is that? Y'know? You're moving in with me and have the one thing I don't have. It's like uh, in a way you-you complete me (Phoebe glares at him) kitchen. Rachel: What?! Ross: (in an Australian accent) You complete me kitchen, matey! Phoebe: Ross, I know what you're thinking. Ross: What? Phoebe: That she's gonna move in with you and maybe then she'll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you're already married, she'll just be happy. Y'know? You're just, you're very sad. Ross: Oh...my...God! I-I see what this is! You are in love with Rachel! Phoebe: What?!! Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you're obsessed with her. It's always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?" "When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her! Phoebe: No! (Ross's phone rings.) Ross: (answering it) Uh-oh, saved by the bell. (On phone) Hello? [Cut to the living room where Monica is helping pack a box.] Monica: Hey Rach, aren't these candlesticks (holds up a pair) mine? Rachel: No-no, I bought those. Monica: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot. Rachel: Yeah. (Rachel walks away.) Monica: (under her breath) That you're a liar. (Hides the candlesticks in a drawer.) Ross: (on phone) No-no-no, that's great! I'll be there Monday. And thank you again! (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) (To All) Umm, that was the head of the Paleontology department at N uh, Y, uh U! Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say? Ross: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it. Rachel: Well, who wouldn't?! Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it's temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? "Professor Geller." Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs. Rachel: And Mrs.?! Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, y'know you and Ross are still married. Rachel: What?!! Phoebe: Just kidding! Rachel: Ohh! Oh God! (Laughs her way into the living room.) Phoebe: (To Ross) Saved your ass. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters dejectedly.] Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hi. Monica: Hey! Chandler: Oh, what's the matter? Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see? Chandler: Yeah? Phoebe: Well, she told me that I'm gonna die this week, so I'm kinda bummed about that. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys don't know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get. Monica: Phoebe that's crazy! Joey: I can't believe she would say that too you. Rachel: Yeah honey you don't believe her do you? Phoebe: I don't-she said y'know that I'd have triplets! But she also said one of them would be black. Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you're gonna go? Phoebe: No, 'cause she didn't tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean I've only got a week left, y'know? I've really gotta start living now! (So she picks up the latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto magazine), leans back, and starts reading.) Ross: (entering) Hey everyone! Chandler: Oh hi! Ross: Hey uh, well, today's my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do you mind? (They pause to think about it.) All: Oh that'd be great. Sure! Ross: (he starts reading directly from his cards word for word very quietly) "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct..." Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This what's gonna kill me. Ross: (continuing) "...subcategories. The first of these subcategories is..." Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper? Ross: No! Why? Joey: Well, I've just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn't have naked chicks on it. Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into..." Chandler: Why don't you open with a joke? Ross: Open with a joke? It's a university, not a comedy club! Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You're not talking about Chuckles University?! Ross: (gets up) Okay! All: Ohh! We're kidding! Oh, we're kidding! Rachel: Ross, hey you know what might make it less boring? Ross: Thank you! Rachel: Some uh, some visual aides. Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y'know what's a good visual aide? Ross: Please don't say naked chicks. Joey: Why not?! Ross: I-I-I don't even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y'know what? I'm just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks. Chandler: That's the way I did it 'til I was 19. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.] Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey! Any good mail? Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor's Guild. Joey: Ooh, it's probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, I'm kinda.... Chandler: (opens and reads it) "Benefits lapsed." Joey: Hmm that's weird. I don't remember being in a move called benefits lapsed. Chandler: Okay, it's not a check. They're saying your health insurance expired because, you didn't work enough last year. Joey: Let me see that! Chandler: All right. Joey: (reads it) Oh, I can't believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y'know? And it wouldn't matter. Now I gotta be careful?! Chandler: I'm sorry man, there's never a good time to (pauses) stop catching on fire. Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I'm gonna go see my agent. Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street. Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) ...look both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe enters to find Rachel still packing.] Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey Pheebs, you're still alive! How are you doing? Phoebe: Ugh, it's so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could-(Groans, hacks, and then freezes with her eyes open and her tongue hanging out.) Rachel: Pheebs, what-what are you doing? Phoebe: I was preparing you for my-didn't you think I was dead? Did that not come off? Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we'd lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down? Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, y'know if you can. (Phoebe goes and lies down as Rachel opens the drawer Monica hid the candlesticks in and as Monica walks out of her room.) Rachel: Monica! Monica: Hmm? (Rachel holds up the candlesticks.) Rachel: Did-did you take these back? Monica: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself. Rachel: Oh yeah, they're really great! Aren't they? Monica: I loved them! Rachel: Yeah. (Monica walks away) Nice try! (Rachel puts them in a box.) Ross: (entering) Hello! Monica: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Monica: How'd the lecture go? Ross: It went great! And I didn't need any jokes or naked chicks either! Rachel: Wow, that's great Ross, I'm sorry we weren't more supportive before. Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyone's all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, I'm gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler. Monica: That you're not funny or sexy? Ross: That's right! [Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.] Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen... Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle! Joey: What are you talkin' about? I never left you! You've always been my agent! Estelle: Really?! Joey: Yeah! Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul. Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance. Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control. Joey: Why? Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town. Joey: b*st*rd! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.] Chandler: Hey! Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and I'll have my health insurance back in no time. Chandler: That's great, but shouldn't you be on the toilet right now? Joey: What?! Chandler: What's wrong with you? Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven't been able to stand up since. But um, I don't think it's anything serious. Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to-you-you go to the doctor! Joey: No way! 'Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.) Chandler: That's a hernia. Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s! [Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica are arriving to talk to Ross after the lecture, but are there early.] Rachel: Well, we're a little early, the lecture doesn't end for 15 minutes. Monica: Yeah, but y'know we could sneak in and watch. Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There's some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. (to them) Hey sisters! (They ignore her.) (To Monica) Wow, we really are bitches. (They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking in an English accent for some unknown reason.) Ross: (to the class) Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when-(sees Monica and Rachel.) Oh bloody hell. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is continued from earlier, only Ross has dismissed the class and is now talking to Monica and Rachel.] Monica: What the hell are you doing?! Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring! I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out. Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one. Ross: Will you-will you please? (Another professor walks down from the back of the lecture hall.) The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I'm a professor in the paleontology department here. Ross: Oh. The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture? Ross: (in his British accent) I'm sorry, I've got plans with my sister. Monica: (in an Irish accent) Monica Gellerrr. (She rolls her 'R') Ross: (in accent) Right, will you excuse us for one moment? (Takes Monica aside.) (In his normal voice.) What are you doing? Monica: (normal voice) Oh, you can have an accent and I can't?! (To an exiting student in accent.) Top 'O the morning to ya laddies! Ross: Just please stop! (They turn back to Rachel and Professor Rathman.) Rachel: (in an Indian accent) Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time of year. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.] Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?! Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it's getting darker and more painful, that means it's healing. Chandler: I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let's just get that thing...pushed back in. Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don't want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I'm thinking I'll probably start with that laser eye surgery too. (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: What's going on? Chandler: Oh Joey's got a really bad hernia, but that's nothing a little laser eye surgery won't fix! Joey: Look, I'm telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here (He puts his hand down his pants, like Al Bundy on Married...With Children always used to do.) it doesn't hurt that bad. Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die! Joey: Sure, now I'm scared. Phoebe: No, we can go together! Just don't wait too long though, okay? 'Cause I'm outta here sometime before Friday. Joey: Yeah, but I don't wanna die! Phoebe: No-no, it'll be fun! We can come back and we can haunt these guys! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are having a tug-of-war over the disputed candlesticks.] Monica: Gimme 'em! Rachel: No! They are mine! Monica: You stole them from me! Rachel: You stole them from me!! Monica: Gimme them! (With one last mighty tug the combatants lose their grip and split, each holding one candlestick.) Monica: You just wanna each take one? Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them. Ross: (entering) Look, I really need some help, okay? Why? Why did I have to speak in a British accent?! What do I do? Rachel: Well... Monica: Why don't you phase it out? Yeah, fade the accent out and people will think you're, y'know, that you're adjusting to life in America. Rachel: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they're probably not even listening! Ross: They're not listening too me? Rachel: Of course they're listening to you! Everybody listens to you. Ross: Monica you really think I should try this phasing out thing? Monica: I think you look fine. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Casting Director #1's office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.] Casting Director #1: Whenever you're ready. Joey: (in a gravely, painful voice) Okay. "Hey, Timmy, I've got a surprise for you." Casting Director #1: Hold it. I'm sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less...intense? Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, I'll just-hold on one second. (He turns around and puts his hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a relaxed voice.) "Hey Timmy, I've got a surprise for you!" Casting Director #1: Oh my God!! (Joey pulls his hand out and reverts back to intense pain.) [Scene: Casting Director #2's office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.] Joey: So that's why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today! (He turns, looks at the bag and realizes he won't be able to pick it up.) Casting Director #2: That's where you pick up the bag. Joey: Exactly. Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag. Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. (She just looks at him.) I didn't get it, did I? Casting Director #2: No. Joey: Yeah, okay. (Leaves) [Scene: Casting Director #3's office, Joey is entering.] Joey: Hi. I'm Joey Tribbiani; I'm here to audition for (Groans) man. Casting Director #3: You mean dying man? Joey: Yes! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are playing phone pranks on Ross.] Monica: Okay, come on, do it one more time! Rachel: Really? Really?! Monica: Yes! Rachel: Okay! (Picks up the phone and starts dialing.) (In an Irish accent) "Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, we'd like you to come on board with us full time! (Hangs up.) Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I'm not going die! Rachel: Really?! How do you know? Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead! She must've read the cards wrong! Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, let's bake cookies! [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey has won the part of dying man and is now able to play the role he was injured for. Chandler is helping to carry him in.] Chandler: Listen, I'm really glad you got the part. Joey: (barely audible through the pain) Thank you. Chandler: But are you sure you can do this? Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower. (Chandler steps away quickly.) Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again?! Joey: (to the director) Hiya! The Director: Hey Joey, we're ready for ya! (Joey stumbles over) Joey, this is Alex he's going to be playing your son. Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.) The Director: Okay. (to Alex) All right uh, Alex now when Joey says his line, "Take good care of your Momma son," that's your cue to cry. Got it? (Alex nods yes.) All right, let's do this. (Joey lies down on the gurney.) A Crew Member: (with that board thingy) Scene 5, take 1. The Director: And Action! Joey: "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex just looks at him and the director motions for him to continue so he tries it again.) "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex does nothing.) "Come on son! Your Momma's good people!" The Director: Cut! Alex, remember you're supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time? Alex: Okay. The Director: All right, from the top. A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2. [Time lapse.] A Crew Member: Take 36 is up! The Director: All right! Let's try this again! You ready Joe? Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action? The Director: Uh sure. Joey: Okay. (Starts screaming.) The Director: Action! Joey: (he stops screaming at action) "Take good care of your Momma son." (Again Alex does nothing.) The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.) (Chandler decides to help out.) Chandler: I'm sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don't you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras! [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is unpacking as the phone rings.] Rachel: (answering it) Hello? Russell: (Ross's divorce lawyer.) Hello, is Ross there? Rachel: Uh no, he's not. Can I take a message? Russell: Yes, this Russell, Ross's divorce lawyer, just tell him that since I haven't heard from him, I assume he's decided to give the marriage a try. Rachel: Ross got married again-Nooooooo!!!!!!!!! [Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Ross is trying to phase out his accent.] Ross: (in his head) All right, keep going. We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So without out re-testing the results in the laboratory (pronounced the British way) the team would never have identified (British) the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis (British). Were there any questions at this point? (One student raises his hand.) Yes. (Points to him.) A Student: What's happening to your accent? Ross: (British) Come again? What's-what's this nonsense? (Giggles.) (American.) All right, I'm-I'm not English. I'm from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just uh, just came out. I'm sorry. So, if we could just get back to the lecture. Umm, were there any questions? (Everyone raises their hands) About paleontology. (They all put their hands down.) All right, look I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I'm-I'm hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression... (At this moment Rachel bursts through the door. Needless to say, she's not in the best of moods having just found out Ross's dirty little secret.) Rachel: Ross!! Are you crazy?! I am still your wife!! What, were you just never gonna tell me?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!!!! Ugh, I could just kill you!!!! Ross: (in the accent again) Well, hello Rachel! Ending Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is holding a football helmet; and apparently, in a rather disgusting scene, Joey wants Phoebe to beat him senseless. (Luckily it isn't a long trip.) Because he's made a miraculous recovery from his hernia and wants to take advantage of all those free surgeries he can get now since he's re-established his health insurance.] Phoebe: Have you really done this before? Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, don't hold back. (He dons his protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.) Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey-hey-hey! Chandler: What are you doing? Phoebe: We're just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back. Chandler: Oh, all right. (Decided that they are less than human as well, Chandler picks up a golf club and Monica a frying pan, to join in on the fun of beating their good friend to within an inch of his life!)

Plan: A: Joey's health benefits lapse; Q: What happens to Joey's health benefits? A: treatment; Q: What does Joey need but can't afford? A: Chandler; Q: Who does Joey refuse to borrow money from? A: an acting role; Q: What does Joey take on to renew his insurance? A: an uncooperative child star; Q: What does Joey's hernia help him with? A: a professorship; Q: What is Ross given at NYU? A: students; Q: What is the room filled with? A: a fake English accent; Q: What does Ross do to impress his students? A: Rachel; Q: Who discovers she and Ross are still married? Summary: Joey's health benefits lapse just as he develops a hernia . Unable to afford treatment and unwilling to borrow the money from Chandler, he takes on an acting role to renew his insurance, during which the hernia helps out with an uncooperative child star. Ross is given a professorship at NYU and, eager to impress his students, inexplicably lapses into a fake English accent. Rachel discovers she and Ross are still married, and charges into his class yelling at him, unaware the room is filled with students.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] You find out who did this and you bring them to me! Do you understand? You were out on your own when Daryl found you. That's right. I just want to make sure you know how to play on a team. That veterinary college... The drugs are the same we need. Daryl: I'm glad you're here. Michonne: Where else would I be? Daryl: Running off. Daryl's got a group going out. I gotta go. Make a run for the gaps right there. Rick: Carol, did you kill Karen and David? Carol: Yes. ( knock at door ) Ma'am? Carol: Hi, Lizzy. Lizzy: They told me to come down here. Carol: Are you okay? Good. I wanted to see you because I'm going on a run with Rick. ( faint sloshing ) Lizzy: Do you think Daryl's dead? Carol: No. He had to go far away to get the medicines, so it's gonna take a while. We lost all our food in cell block D, so we're gonna go look for more and whatever else we can find. Lizzy: Nobody's died yet. Carol: Yet? Lizzie: I think a lot of people are going to die. It's what always happens. Makes me sad, but... at least they get to come back. Carol: Lizzy, when they come back, they aren't-- people aren't who they were. Lizzie: Yeah, but they're something. They're someone. I'm little now. If I don't die, I'll get big. I'll be me, but I'll be different. It's how it is. ( coughing ) ( grunts ) Lizzy: We all change. We all don't get to stay the same way we started. Carol: Lizzy, it's more complicated-- Lizzie: You said I was weak. I'm not. I'm strong, so I'm telling you what I think. Carol: You remember what I told you to do when there's danger? Lizzie: Run as fast as I can. Carol: You run and run until you're safe. And if it's your life or your sister's life, you can't be afraid to kill. Understand? Lizzie: Yes. Carol: You are strong, Lizzy. You're gonna live. You, your sister, and me-- we're gonna survive, I know it. Where's your knife? Put your T-shirt behind it. You've gotta be able to get to it quickly. Lizzie: Yes, Mom. I mean ma'am. Carol: Don't call me "Mom." Lizzie: It was an accident. Carol: Just don't. Okay. Carol: What is it? Lizzy: I'm not afraid to kill. I'm just afraid. Carol: You can't be. Lizzie: How? Carol: You fight it. And fight it. You don't give up. And then one day, you just change. We all change. ( theme music playing ) Michonne: This is Turner Creek, so Barnesville must be a few miles downstream. Bob: Sounds like our best chance at finding a new ride. Daryl: Yo, Ty. Come on, let's go. Vámonos. Ty. Ty! There should be a town a few miles south. Lost a whole night. My sister, everybody else-- they're probably dead. Well, it helps to keep moving. No, it doesn't. Carol: Maggie wanted to come, you know. Rick: Someone had to stay back, watch over things. Carol: Someone you trust, you mean. They would have drowned in their own blood. They were suffering. I made it quick. We needed the bodies gone. We needed to stop it from spreading. They were the only ones who were sick. They were a threat. I was trying to save lives. I had to try. Somebody had to. Rick: Maybe. Is that jasper? Mm-hmm. It's a good color. Brings out your eyes. When Miss Richards went into A block, we were leaving. Asked me to keep a lookout. I'm gonna use it for her old man's marker. You know all them back there? You stay in one place more than a couple hours, you'd be surprised what you pick up. ( crows cawing ) Carol: Think they're coming back? Rick: Windshield's clean, wiped down. Can't have been here more than a day, maybe two. Carol: You mean Daryl and the others. That's what this is, right? In case they don't? Rick: Until they do. That's what this is. Medicine cabinets, first aid kits-- anything that could help Hershel. We get in, we get out. And if we can eat it, we take it. ( wood creaking ) You see something? I don't know. Maybe. ( sighs ) Daryl: We gotta find us a new battery. ( spits ) ( walkers snarling ) Daryl: Got some friends inside. Come on. Let's clear a path, see how many we got. ( grunting ) Hey, man, go easy. We don't know what we're dealing with. ( grunting ) ( door rattling ) ( walker gasping ) ( walker growls ) ( growling ) Ah! Bob: Tyreese! Ty! Ty, let him go. ( grunting ) Why the hell didn't you let go? ( door creaking ) ( faint snarling ) ( growling ) Carol! ( door opens ) ( door creaks ) Man: Whoa, whoa. It's cool. We're-- we're cool. Lady: We have fruit. Man: Yeah, we got apricots, peaches. Lady: Here, catch. Man: Or, you know, don't. ( chuckles ) Carol: How'd this happen? Greenhouse around the corner. Man: We were looking for a place to crash. The roof's broken now and it's been getting rain, so it's full of fruit. We were there about a day and the skin-eaters showed up. ( laughs ) Killjoys, man. Man: Jackin' it up for the whole world. I thought everybody was an asshole before this all went down. Now I love people. You know-- people who are alive. How did it happen? Man: When they were coming in through the door, I tripped crawling out the other side. Pulled the glass out, but my shoulder-- it still hurts like a bitch. Carol: It's dislocated. Man: Can you fix it? Carol: Here, lay on your back. Okay, scooch over to the edge. Just hold your arm... Grab ahold of this bag. Hold on. ( groaning ) And keep holding on. ( crying ) No, that hurts. Carol: Keep holding. Man: I can't, I can't. Carol: Keep holding. ( bone crackles ) ( groaning ) ( man gasping ) ( bone pops ) ( panting ) Carol: Sit up. Woman: Is it... Man: Yeah. Carol: It's gonna be sore for a few days. Rick: After the greenhouse, you came here? Man: Yeah. We thought it was clear. We missed the deadie in the PJs, so we dove into the bathroom. Rick: So how long were you up there till we showed up? Man: Like, two days. Rick: There was just one. You had guns. Lady: We have about 12 bullets. It usually take us about five or six to bring one of them down. Rick: But you have knives. Man: To what, stab it in the head? Rick: Yeah. Man: We got separated from our crew about a week ago. Been trying to play it safe since it's just the two of us. I have to with my leg. Yeah. Lady: We were at a refugee center together and there was a fire. People were just trampling over me. Assholes. Sam saved my life. We didn't know each other before. It didn't heal right, but it healed. And we found each other. It was worth it. Rick: Where are you two headed next? Man: We just keep moving. We haven't been waiting for places to go bad. I mean, it's getting a little old. You guys look all right. What's your setup like? Rick: The "skin-eaters"? We call them walkers. How many have you killed? ( door creaks ) Come on. Here we go. Hmm, cells look pretty dry. Daryl: A little distilled water will clear that right up. You should have let him go. Daryl: The hell you know about it, huh? You the damn expert? No. [SCENE_BREAK] Michonne: I just don't want to see you die. Is that what you're trying to do? Do you even know what you're trying to do? I know you're pissed. And you have every reason to be. But anger makes you stupid. Stupid gets you killed. Aren't you still angry about the Governor? What he did? Michonne: If he was here right now, I'd cut him in two. 'Cause that's how it needs to be. But I'm not angry. I was. Then why are you still going out looking for him? Michonne: I don't know. ( grunting ) Daryl: That's puke. Those douchebags in the vines took themselves out, holding hands-- kumbaya style. They wanted to go out together same as they lived. That makes them douchebags? It does if they could have gotten out. Everybody makes it, till they don't. People nowadays are dominoes. What they did, maybe it's about not having to watch them fall. Right. ( raspy breathing ) Come on. ( grunts ) We got about all we're gonna get here. We should move on. Couple: So, did we pass your test? Rick: We're in a prison eight miles north. If you come back with us, we can't guarantee your safety. There's an illness, a flu. It's bad. We've lost a lot. Kids, too. - Yours? Carol: No, thank God. But one of my girls, she's got it. I'm sorry. She's strong. She'll make it. Sam: You got fences and walls? We're in. Yeah, whatever you need us to do. Rick: For now, sit tight. The two of us will circle back for you before dark. Carol: Or you could help us sweep the rest of this neighborhood. Woman: We can do that. I can check the greenhouse, see if it's clear, bring back more fruit. And I can hit some of the houses. Well, it's nice of you to offer, but your shoulder's barely-- Sam: As long as I don't put too much weight on this arm, I'm good. - And I can still move pretty fast. - I just don't think-- Man: We won't take any chances. We'll look. And if it's cake, we'll do it. If not, we'll just roll. I mean, you don't look so good yourself, man. Are you a righty or a lefty? We'll cover more ground. The sooner we get back... Sam: You can't carry us, man. It doesn't work that way. Please, we want to help. You fire a shot, we'll come running. Let's meet back here in two hours. You'll need this. Daryl: You never told us about the group you were with before. Which one? You know, when you found me out on that road, I almost kept walking. Daryl: Why is that? 'Cause I was done being a witness. Two times, two different groups. I was the last one standing. Like I was supposed to see it happen over and over, like it's some kind of curse. But, when it's just you out there with the quiet... Used to be I'd drink a bottle of anything just so I could shut my eyes at night. Figured the prison, the people, thought it'd be easier. The run to the big spot, I did it for me. You gotta keep busy. No. I did it so I could get me a bottle. Of anything. I picked it up, I held it in my hand, but I put it down. I put it down so hard it took the whole damn shelf with it. That's what brought on the walkers, and that's what got Zack killed. Daryl: That's bullshit. Why don't you get in there and try the engine? It's a red and a green wire. Go on. It ain't rocket science. Give it some gas. ( engine starting ) ( whistles ) ( car door closes ) Sasha and me picked that spot. He took you with us. There ain't no way anybody could've known. You ain't gonna be standing alone, not no more. Let's go. ( engine revving ) It's all expired by at least a year. Better to take it. Let Herschel decide what he needs. Rick: Did you think it was right? Letting those kids come back with us? Carol: I think it was the humane thing to do. Rick: But did you think it was right? ( drawer slides ) Carol: Look at us. Digging through drawers, hoping that... a couple of cough drops and some disinfectant might be the difference between dying and living a couple of more hours. ( pills rattling ) Carol: If they're strong enough to help us survive this thing, yeah, I think you made the right call. Rick: And if they're not? Carol: Let's hope they are. ( softly ) Yeah. Carol: Rick... I killed two people and you haven't said a word about it. Rick: What do you want me to say? Carol: It's not about what you say. It's about facing reality. It always comes for us and over and over again we face it so that we can live. So that we can live. That's right. Carol: That's what it always comes down to. You can be a farmer, Rick. You can't just be a farmer. You're a good leader. Better than I probably gave you credit for. Rick: I never murdered two of our own. Just one. He was gonna kill me. Carol: So were they. They were gonna kill all of us. Rick: You don't know that. Carol: If you thought it would save Judith or Carl, would you have done it then or would you have just gone back to your crops and hoped it'd all be okay? You don't have to like what I did, Rick. I don't. You just accept it. ( wind rustling ) ( distant can rattles ) Daryl: Looks like we're getting closer. Ty: The building we want is just up ahead. ( creaking ) ( softly ) Come on. Come on. Move, move. All right, let's make this quick There you go. Come on. Carol: Let's hit the houses across the street. Rick: Hold on. How'd you put his shoulder back before? You learn that from Herschel? Carol: Internet. It's easier than telling an ER nurse I'd fallen down the stairs a third time. Rick: I'm sorry. Carol: Don't be. Just fixed what needed fixin'. I actually convinced myself I was happy with him. Which wasn't all that hard to do considering my idea of happiness then was just not being alone. Made a decent living. He was charming when he wanted to be, especially those mornings after he'd come home piss-drunk and... Stupid. Stupid. I didn't think I could be strong. I didn't know I could. I already was. Rick: Why don't you say her name? Carol: She's dead, Rick. Sophia. Dead. Somebody else's slideshow. Rick: Some mornings I still wake up half-expecting Lori to be there. Reminding me to pick up Carl after school or telling me breakfast is ready. Every Sunday she'd make us these pancakes that were just... godawful. ( chuckling ) Rick: Clumps of flour that weren't mixed in right. Thing was... she knew it was bad. Carol: Why'd she keep at it? Rick: Well... she wanted us to be the kind of family that ate pancakes on Sunday. ( creaks ) ( grunting, munching ) We should get back. Sam's probably waiting. Anything ending with -cillin or -cin, C-I-N, grab it. We'll dissolve the pills in the IVs, put 'em right into the bloodstream. Dosage will be tricky but considering the time we lost... How'd you do? Bags, tubes, clamps, connectors. Everything on the list. What about y'all? Yeah, we got it all. Yeah. We're good. All right, let's roll. ( softly ) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. ( snarling ) Michonne: Up ahead. ( growling, snarling ) ( door creaks, shuts ) Hey! Door's busted. Oh. Hold up. ( walkers growling ) ( snarling ) Michonne: There. ( snarling ) ( grunting ) ( snarling ) How many? I can't tell. ( rumbling ) Ty: We can take 'em. - No! They're infected. Same as at the prison. We fire at 'em, get their blood on us, breathe it in. We didn't come all this way to get sick. How do we know the ones in there aren't any different? We don't. Well, it's gotta change sometime. ( snarling ) ( blade rings ) Daryl: Ready? Ty: Do it! ( growling, snarling ) ( grunts ) ( snarling ) Daryl: Come on. ( snarling ) ( tapping ) Carol: It's been too long. Rick: We should give him a couple more. Carol: He might be fine. He really might be. But it doesn't matter... because he's not here... and we have to go. It was a nice watch. ( snarling, growling ) ( snarls ) ( doorknob rattles ) Back. Don't have an exit. Then we make one. Get down! ( grunts ) Come on, move it! Jump down to the walkway below. Bob: They're here! - Let's go! Go, go. Move. ( snarling ) Michonne: Bob, let it go. Let it go, man. ( grunting ) Ty: Just let it go. ( snarling, growling ) Daryl: Let go of the bag, man. ( snarling, growling ) Daryl: You got no meds in your bag? Just this? You should have kept walking that day. Don't. ( grunting ) Just let it go, Daryl. The man's made his choice. Nothing you can do about it. Just gotta let it go. I didn't want to hurt nobody. It was just for when it gets quiet. Daryl: Take one sip. When those meds get in our people, I will beat your ass into the ground. You hear me? ( handle clicking ) Rick: They might have lived. Karen and David, they might have lived, and now they're dead. That wasn't your decision to make. When Tyreese finds out... he'll kill you. He damn near killed me over nothing. Carol: I can handle Tyreese. Rick: When the others find out, they won't want you there. And if they don't make it back, if everybody dies of this thing and it's just the two of us, with Judith and Carl-- with my children... I won't have you there. Carol: Rick, it's me. No one else has to know. I thought you were done making decisions for everyone. Rick: I'm making this decision for me. Carol: I could have pretended that everything was gonna be fine. But I didn't. I did something. I stepped up. I had to do something. Rick: No, you didn't. Carol: If you think I'm going anywhere without Lizzie and Mica-- Rick: If you want them to leave, to go out there with you? Lizzie's sick. Mica is 10 years old. Carol: She can't. ( sniffles ) Rick: We'll keep them safe. You're not that woman who was too scared to be alone, not anymore. You're gonna start over, find others, people who don't know, and you're gonna survive out here. You will. Carol: Maybe. Ty: That's where I was traveling, Highway . Michonne: Then it will take about seven hours to get there. We're gonna need more gas. Ty: But we'll get there. Taking Highway . I heard. ( door closes ) You were right, what you said before. About the trail going cold. I don't need to go out anymore. Good. ( engine starts ) Carol: Take it. Ed gave this to me on our first anniversary. Please. I should have given it away a long time ago. ( engine starting ) ♪ It was a close call ♪ ♪ Sitting in the back of the room ♪ ♪ with a ball I had thrown at you ♪ ♪ And you didn't know ♪ ♪ Closing on my black eye ♪ ♪ I feel safe at times ♪ ♪ Certain emblems ♪ ♪ tell me it's time ♪ ♪ Serpents in my mind ♪ ♪ looking for your ♪ ♪ crimes ♪ ♪ Everything changes ♪ ♪ I don't want mine ♪ ♪ this time ♪ ♪ Everything changes ♪

Plan: A: Daryl's group; Q: Who completes their run to the hospital? A: Rick; Q: Who tells Carol she can't come back to the prison? A: supplies; Q: What are Rick and Carol looking for in the residential area? A: a local residential area; Q: Where do Rick and Carol go scavenging? A: a couple return; Q: What does Rick and Carol try to help? A: the wife; Q: Who dies in the residential area? A: the husband; Q: Who disappeared? Summary: Daryl's group completes their run to the hospital, while Rick and Carol go scavenging for supplies at a local residential area. After trying to help a couple return to the prison, only to have the wife die and the husband disappear. Rick tells Carol that she cannot come back to the prison, and the two depart on separate ways.

Ted from 2030: Kids, in the spring of 2011, Zoey and I broke up. But the good news: Goliath National Bank was finally ready to demolish The Arcadian and build the new headquarters I'd designed for them. (A committee, including Ted holding a big pair of scissors, is standing behind a red ruban. Ted is going to cut it, when a very happy Barney arrives with a bigger pair of scissors and cut the ruban before Ted can) The only problem was... I kept butting heads with my project supervisor on one very important issue. At the Bar Ted: I want to press the button to blow up The Arcadian! Barney: I want to press it! Ted: I want to press it! Barney: I want to press it! Robin: Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding the button. After some awkward pawing around, that building's going to fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great"" and go to sleep. Both Ted and Barney, at the same time: She means you. I want to press it! I'm gonna press it! Robin: It's just a button, okay? Can we just talk about something else, please? Ted: Well, I ran into Zoey yesterday. Robin: That's the first time since the breakup. How's she doing? [FLASHBACK] Zoey: I'm still unemployed, so I had to get a couple roommates. Ted: Saving money. Making new friends. No downside. Zoey: They're all 22 and sell drugs. Which means they're not taking them. So, that's a win. Ted: Well, I can tell you're really busy so I should... I'll let you go. Zoey: Hey. You want to get coffee sometime? [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: You know that "coffee" is code for "I want to get back together" right? Ted: Well, at first I wasn't sure, but then she said something that got me thinking. [FLASHBACK] Zoey: I want to get back together. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Don't worry, we're not. I just, I feel bad Zoey's having such a hard time. Barney: You know what might... make you feel better, buddy? Ted: I'm not letting you press the button. Barney: I want to press the button! Ted: You're not pressing the button! It's my button! Ted from 2030: Sadly, that's all you need to know about my summer. Now, around this time, Uncle Marshall was still having a tough time finding a job. At a soup traitor (Lily and Robin are waiting to take order. The place looks really filthy, there's even a cat standing near the food) Lily: He's out printing out a whole new batch of résumés because he misspelled the phrase "detail-oriented." And when he gets back home, he is going to find his favorite soup there waiting for him. Robin: Oh, that's sweet, Lil, but didn't you guys get food poisoning here one time? Lily: Three times. But they're really nice about it. Their policy is, "Get sick, get a free gallon of soup". Ted from 2030: And so, Lily dropped off Marshall's surprise soup and headed back to work to introduce the new class pet. In Lily's class Lily: This is Mr. Buttons 2. Now, after what happened to Mr. Buttons 1, we have to be very gentle with... (Lily throws up onto Mr. Buttons 2. She leaves the shool, running to her apartment in order to stop Marshall from eating the soup) Marshall! Don't eat the soup! Oh, thank God. Marshall: This was about to be my third bowl. Why shouldn't I eat the soup? Why shouldn't I eat the soup? [OPENING CREDITS] At the Bar Robin: Hey, Mr. Architect, big day for you tomorrow, huh? Barney: Yeah. Getting to stand next to me while I press the button. That is going to be legend... wait for it...dary adjacent. Legendary adjacent! Robin: You okay? Ted: Yeah... no. This morning I was talking to the foreman. [FLASHBACK] Foreman: Hey, hotshot. Ted: You know, Rod, um, I'm loving that nickname, and I can tell it's totally affectionate, but, uh, I'd prefer Ted. Rod: Yeah, but you're such a hotshot, I figured I'd just call you hotshot. Pick one. And make sure you like it. There's going to be 50,000 of these in your big, hotshot building, hotshot. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: 50,000 lightbulbs! What if this one's too bright? What if this one flickers and gives everyone a weird headache? Do you know how many people it takes to change 50,000 lightbulbs? Barney: Are these people Irish, Polish, blondes... what are we dealing with here? Ted: There's just-- there's so many decisions to be made. What if I make all the wrong ones and my building just sucks? Barney: Not possible. Your building is new. And I have one rule: New is always better. Ted: You can't keep saying you have one rule if they're always different rules. Barney: Ah, but "new is always better" is my oldest rule, which makes it the best. (Marshall arrives; he's not looking very good) Ted: Hi, Marsh. Barney: Oh, hey, buddy. Robin: Hey. Everything okay? Marshall: Lily got food poisoning from some soup. And then I ate the soup exactly three hours later. Which means I can see exactly three hours into my future, and it... doesn't... look... good. I tried to be supportive. [FLASHBACK] (In the bathroom, Lily is throwing up into the toilettes. Marshall is standing near.) Lily: Oh, baby, can you just hold me, please? Marshall: Of course, baby. (He hesitates, then put one finger onto her back) [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: But it doesn't help it that when Lily gets going; she sounds like a velociraptor from Jurassic Park. But then I realized a man can do a lot of living in three hours. So, I'm out experiencing this beautiful, crazy dance called life. Ah, my last meal. MacClaren's famous jalapeno poppers. My doctor says I need to eat healthier, so I figured the round-trip flight these babies are about to take will land them permanently on the no-fry list. Good-bye, my friend. It's been a hell of a ride. I have to... At Marshall and Lily's apartment Marshall: Hey, babe. The gang says feel better. Lily: Mm. Thanks. Wait, you didn't tell them I had food poisoning, did you? Marshall: Um, I... Lily: Marshall, when it's stomach stuff, you just say "under the weather," or people start picturing you doing unspeakable things. Marshall: I know. I just said that you had the sniffles. No one is picturing anything but little red-nosed you under a blankie with some hot tea. At the Bar Barney: I wonder what end it's coming out of Lily right now. Robin: I bet it's her tushie. Barney: I bet it's both. Hey, speaking of explosions... enough already, Ted! That button's mine! Ted, while texting on his phone: Yeah, fine, okay. Barney: I got you this job, so I... Say what? Ted: Whatever. It's yours. I gotta run. (Ted leaves the Bar) Barney: You... At Marshall and Lily's apartment Marshall, picking up his phone: Hello?... Yes, it is. (To Lily) It's Bloom, Greenberg and Associates. They want me to come interview. (Lily throws up) I know it's risky to go, but this is the best environmental law firm in New York. It's my dream job. (Lily throws up) That's a great idea, babe. I'll ask them. (In his phone) Hey, is it at all possible, could I come in on Monday?... Okay, I'll, I'll see you at 5:00. (Marshall hangs up) Thank you. I love and believe in you, too, baby. At the Bar Robin: Why would Ted just give up the button like that? And he forgot his phone. "See you in an hour." Barney: Who's that from? Robin: Zoey. They're meeting for coffee. Ted's getting back together with her! (Later) Barney: Why would Ted get back together with Zoey? He's doing great. Robin: After a breakup, we all think we're doing great. Sometimes the tiniest trigger can unravel you and send you crawling right back. Barney: No, I refuse to believe that Ted is getting back with Zoey because of lightbulbs. Robin: Uh, Ted's gone back for less. [FLASHBACKS] (Ted runs out of whipped cream. He picks his phone and calls someone.) Ted: Hi, Natalie. You want to get coffee sometime? ("Dated another three months" appears onto the screen) (Ted, suffering from a heavy sunburn, is trying to put some cream onto his skin, but can't seem to reach his back) Ted: Bro. Barney: Ted, I only have one rule. Ted: But I can't reach the worst part. (He picks his phone and calls someone) Hi, Karen. Want to get coffee sometime? ("Dated another nine months" appears onto the screen) [SCENE_BREAK] (Ted is watching TV) TV announcer: Coming up next, our two local pandas, Ming Ming and Bao Bao, are expecting a baby. Ted: Robin, you want to get coffee sometime...? Robin: Get it together, bro. [END OF FLASHBACKS] At Marshall and Lily's apartment Marshall: According to my calculations, at 6:00 p.m., my body is gonna pay out like the most disgusting slot machine in the world. That gives me two hours to go do the interview and still get back in time. Lily: Oh, but, baby, what if you hit the jackpot early? Marshall: Don't worry. I'll be prepared. (Marshall puts some knee-caps on, put plastic sheets inside his case.) Neighbor: I'm talking your ear off, sorry. Is there anything I can do for you, sweetie? Marshall: Can... I... borrow... an adult diaper? At the Bar Barney: We've got to stop Ted. Where are they meeting? Robin: Okay, Zoey wrote, "Meet me at 6:00, where it all began, where you gave me the orchid at the intersection." Barney: Well, that's good. All we have to do is think back to the time Ted told us about his first date with Zoey. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Amazing first date with Zoey! We met at the intersection... (The rest is unintelligible) Robin: Aw, that's sweet. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: You weren't listening either? Robin: I was in a coma. I mean, who pays attention to that sappy romantic crap? Barney and Robin: Lily! At Marshall and Lily's apartment Lily: Yeah, I wasn't listening, either. Ted really can go on about a bitch. Robin: Great. He could be anywhere. We're flat out of clues. Lily: Hey, wait. Ted left a message. I could hear it 'cause I was in the bathroom... blowing my nose... I have the sniffles. (Lily plays the voice mail left earlier by Ted.) Ted's voice: Hey, Lily, hope you're feeling better. Marshall told us you're exploding from both ends like a busted fire hydrant. Lily: Damn it, Marshall. Ted's voice: Anyway, listen, I was going to get back together with Zoey today, but I came to my senses on the way out here, so... False alarm... Oh, crap. Just stepped in some gum. I'm getting back together with Zoey! Robin: Okay, we're never gonna find him. Lily: Wait, wait, wait. That's was a subway announcement in the background. I speak conductor. Ted's voice: Hey, Lily, hope you're feeling better. Marshall told us... Lily: Got it. Ted's at... (Lily runs to the bathroom and throws up) Oh... Ted's at Smith and Ninth Street. Barney: That's the intersection. Robin: That's in Brooklyn. How are we ever gonna get there in time? Barney: Way ahead of ya. Outside the apartment (Ranjit arrives with his car) Ranjit: Hello! At Bloom, Greenberg and Associates Man: Marshall. Jake Bloom. Great to meet you. Marshall: Hello, hi. Jake: Hey. Oh, I'm sorry about the stench. We're suing a factory that's been dumping raw sewage into a local marshland. Yeah, ten minutes ago, I was knee-deep in liquefied human feces. And that was just on the F train. In Ranjit's car Robin: I can't believe Ted's getting back together with Zoey. Barney: I know. They're a total train wreck. Robin: Unmitigated disaster. Ranjit: Worst couple ever. Barney: Yeah, almost as bad as us. Robin: We were a mess. Do you remember how awful I looked by the end? My hair was falling out, my skin was gray, my back was hunched. Barney: What about me? I got so fat, at the end of a date, you'd unhook my bra. Robin: You were the only boyfriend I ever motorboated. Barney: Thank God we're not sentimental saps who panic and get back together. Seriously, why would people do that? Robin: I guess I get it. Barney: What do you mean? Robin: Well, no matter how bad things got... Ted really did love Zoey for a minute there. Didn't he? Barney: Yeah... he did. And... she loved him, too. Didn't she? Robin: Yeah, she did. Ranjit: Smith and Ninth Street. At Bloom, Greenberg and Associates Jake: So, let me show you some of the gut-wrenching environmental atrocities that we were working to stop, okay? Here, pop quiz. What is that? Marshall: That's a seal. Jake: Bingo! Yes, a bloated seal corpse rotting in industrial waste. Marshall: Mm-hmm. Jake: Now, wait till you see what we found when we cut him open. At the intersection Robin: Okay, where the hell are they? Barney: Maybe this isn't the intersection. Robin: Well, maybe it is and we're too late. Man, I wish we'd gone to Brooklyn sooner. Man: I know, right? Ever since the Trader Joe's opened up, Brooklyn is so... whatever. Robin: Wait. Where'd you get that? (The guy is holding a cup, on which is printed "The Intersection") Man: Across the street at the Intersection. So, uh, you guys... want to buy some weed or...? (Zoey is standing alone inside the coffee shop) Barney: She's alone! There's still time! But where the hell is Ted? Robin: Wait a minute. On their first date, he brought her an orchid. How much do you want to bet he's gonna do it again? Barney: Brilliant. But wait, he had a huge head start on us. There's no way he's still in there unless he spent a half an hour picking out the perfect orchid. Ted, leaving the florist's shop: Thanks, Julia! You know what? Let me see the pink lady slipper again. (He goes back inside) At Bloom, Greenberg and Associates Jake: Now, do you know what that is? Marshall: A pile of rotting seagull carcasses covered in toxic sludge. Jake: Being eaten by rats. Exactly. Now this next slide... Oh, I'm sorry. That's my wife's water birth. I don't know how that got in there. Anyway, that's all my questions. Marshall, thinking: Oh, my God, I made it! Now just shake his hand, clench your very soul and run like hell! Jake: Now, I like to set aside 20 minutes at the end of every interview for your questions. So don't hold back. Whatever you got inside there, you just let 'er rip. Marshall, thinking: I can't do this anymore. I'm just gonna tell him the truth. (Lily's head appears and talks to Marshall, like a guardian angel) Lily: When it's stomach stuff, you just say "under the weather" or people start picturing you doing unspeakable things. Marshall: I have food poisoning and I'm about to start volcanoing toxic sludge out of both ends! (Marshall leaves in a hurry) Lily: Nailed it. Outside the Intersection Ted: Thanks, Julia! No, on second thought. (Barney and Robin jumps on him, all three fall down)Ooh! Come on. What the hell?! Robin: You can't get back together with Zoey just because you're freaking out over a lightbulb. Ted: I'm not freaking out over a lightbulb! I'm freaking out over 50,000 lightbulbs! I can't do this! I only got this job because you gave it to me, Barney. I didn't earn it! Robin: Look, Ted, the future is scary. But you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar. Yes, it's tempting. Barney: But... it's a mistake. Ted: You're right. (Ted stops an elderly woman who was about to enter the Intersection) Um, excuse me. Can you give this to the blonde sitting alone in there and tell her Ted's really sorry? Also... indirect sunlight. Don't overwater. Half a cup a week is more than enough. (The elderly woman enters and gives theflowers to a blonde sitting alone, but not the right one) No. Hi. Ted from 2030: And kids... that's how I met your mother. Psych. It was just some chick. At Marshall and Lily's apartment Lily: Hey, baby, how'd it go? Marshall: Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. The good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is for me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty. Lily: Baby, come here. Marshall: I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts. (He lyes down onto the bed and falls asleep) Ted from 2030: And Marshall slept...all night. At the Arcadian site Rod: Okay, hotshot. Mr. Stinson. Who's gonna do the honors? Barney: He is. Ted: You sure? Barney: Yeah. You earned it. Rod: All clear! Ted: Hey, new is always better, right? Barney: Always. Rod: Ten, nine, eight... In Marshall and Lily's bedroom Marshall: Lily, it's a miracle. I didn't get sick. I didn't get sick. Lily: I know, baby. I'm pregnant. Rod:...one! (Ted pushes the button, the buiding exploses. Marshall is kissing Lily.) In the street Robin: I'm proud of you for giving Ted the button. It meant a lot. Barney: It's just a button. Can we talk about something else, please? (Barney sees Norah, Robin says something to him that we can"t hear, then Barney walks up to Norah) Norah. Norah: Hi. Barney: How you been? Norah: Fine. Barney: Look, I don't know why you would possibly say yes to this, but would you want to grab a cup of coffee with me sometime? 20 minutes. I was such a jerk to you. You can spend the entire time calling me every dirty name in the book. Norah: I speak four languages. I'm gonna need more than 20 minutes. Barney: I'll call you. You look beautiful, by the way. And here I thought it was too late for sundresses. Norah: It's never too late, Barney. Barney: Challenge accepted. (Robin is standing behind, looking sadly at him) [a little ways down the road...] (Ted and Marshall, both wearing a suit, are standing outside a church. Lily comes out of it) Lily: Best man? You're being summoned. Ted: Geez, what now? (He goes inside, enters a room) I heard the groom needed me. (Barney, the groom, turns over to face Ted) Barney: What do you think of this tie?

Plan: A: Ted's relationship; Q: What do Robin and Barney meddle in? A: Nora; Q: Who does Barney see again? A: food poisoning; Q: What does Marshall think he has? A: a very important wedding; Q: What kind of wedding is Ted going to be the best man at? A: Lily; Q: Who discovers she is pregnant? Summary: Robin and Barney meddle in Ted's relationship but things get more complicated when Barney sees Nora again. An incident makes Marshall think he could get sick with food poisoning . Ted pushes ahead with being best man at a very important wedding. Lily discovers that she is pregnant.

Barney goes to the apartment where Marshall, Robin and Ted are already. Barney: You believe not what happened last night laser tag. Ted: People freaked out because of a calibrated in suits who bothered their children? Barney: Yeah, almost. Flashback Barney played laser tag with children. It takes a little girl in her arms and hides behind a phony. Barney: Go! You want that! Girl: My shoulder! Barney: Come on. Pattern: Stinson, in my office! Now! Barney: sh1t. Barney is in the boss's office of laser tag. Pattern: Foul Play, three stampedes, and now this! Stinson, you are a ball! Barney: I know, I'm not your precious rules, McCracken, but, damn, the results are there! McCracken: Listen, you're a good player laser tag. Perhaps the best I've seen. But someday, you will hurt someone.Maybe even you. Barney: You forget what it's there. Your fat ass is stuck here for too long. McCracken is Enough You are banned, Stinson! Make your gun and your badge! Barney: My pleasure. Do not do that. This game is all I have.And I nearly enough tickets for the remote controlled helicopter. Pity. McCracken: I can not believe I do that. But I'll leave you one last chance. But be aware, if you exceed the limits of a toe, you play the duck shooting in your mother's so fast it will make you dizzy. Get out! Barney: You regret it. 30 seconds later, Barney has his foot on a guy and shoots him. McCracken: It's over, Stinson. You are banned for life! End flashback GENERIC Marshall: I can not believe you're kicked out of laser tag. Are you gonna do? Barney: What shall I do? I'll tell you that Ted and I will do. We will introduce and apply the PQ everywhere. Ted: Barney, you're too old to put toilet paper because you can play laser tag more. And by the way, too old for laser tag. Barney: Ted, laser tag has no age limit. As the striptease in the West Midlle. Ted: Yeah, whatever. I added laser tag to the list of Murtaugh. Barney: No list of Murtaugh. Robin: What is the Murtaugh list? Ted (2030): The Murtaugh list was created around my 30th birthday. It all started with the beer funnel your uncle. Flashback Ted and Marshall are at a party. Marshall:... two, one, chug! Ted (2030): In our 20 years, with each party, this funnel came out. And to our 30 years, none. Of course, at age 20, the day looked like this. (Marshall and Ted fight) But to our 30 years, the day looked like this. (Ted is sitting on the couch, the trash next to him) Then one day, in the suffering of the worst hangover of my life, I realized that one person in the world understood me: Detective Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny Glover in the masterpiece 1987: Lethal Weapon, known for his often repeated motto: Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this... Ted (2030): Stuff. He said, "I'm too old for this stuff. " End flashback Ted: It's hard to admit, but with age, we can do certain things.This is why I have this list, not to make the mistake of thinking that I can still make a sleepless night. Marshall: I'm too old for this stuff. Ted: Or eat a whole pizza in one sitting. Marshall: I'm too old for this stuff. Ted: Or put posters on the wall without a frame. Marshall: "Riggs. "I'm too old for this stuff. In fact, it's Lethal Weapon? Robin: I know. It looks pumped. An old cop associated with a young and rebellious. It reminds you of anything? Mackleroy and LaFleur. Do not tell me you have never seen Mackleroy and LaFleur. This is the best action movie of all time Canadian. Mackleroy is a young Mountie whose horse is killed by evil Americans, and LaFleur, his old partner grumpy and Afro-Canadian, just buy a nice fishing shack in northern Alberta... Marshall: I gotta go. Lily: Hi, baby. Good workout. Robin: What? It's still one-man band? Because it was crap. Marshall is in a gym with children. Ted (2030): In fact, Marshall was to coach the basketball team's class Lily. He thought it was funny, but Lily was dizzy: training father. Lily arrives with a basket. Marshall: My God! Orange wedges. That's nice. What are you doing here? Lily: I could not resist. I wanted to see Marshmallow coach at work. Marshall: The children, who wants to stop earlier and eat orange slices? All: Yeah! Marshall: Yeah? No way! Oranges, it's for the winners, and you little sh1ts, you have not yet put one basket! Shame on you, shame on you Miss Aldrin, and worse, necks make me ashamed! Enough! Suicide, on the line! And make it snappy!Here we go. At the apartment... Barney: There's nothing on this list for which you're too old. In fact, if you did everything on the Murtaugh list, I would call it a nice weekend. Ted: Barney, you have more 18 years. If you did the whole list, you would die. It was not a challenge. Barney: Challenge accepted. The next 24 hours, I will do everything on the list. And after that, you go to the PQ laser tag with me. Ted: And if you fail? Barney: I'll spend three hours listening to you talk about architecture. Ted: It works for me. Robin, you do the honors? Robin: An agreement of honor! Barney: Come on guys, you do it! Robin: Are you sure you want to do that? You know how it is. Ted: There's some pretty hefty on the list. Finally, do you really think Barney is going to get ear pierced? Barney: "To pierce the ear. "Done. Well, I go to a laundry at my mother. (Barney hand, then returned several hours later) Do you mind if I use your futon? Robin: There is no futon. Barney: Put it there, guys. Robin: What's the matter? Barney: It's on the list. "Landing on the futon with a friend rather than going to the hotel. " Robin: I'm too old for this stuff. Ted: You got anything in your ear? It looks like the inside of a pumpkin after Halloween. Barney: What, this? Just a quick foul '. Just a kid like me has to worry about. Then, "pushing a medical" on the list. (His phone rings) Hold on. Bar here... A basketball practice in Marshall... Marshall: It is not stop! You know, it's funny, I came to teach them... Do not stop running! All this time, it is they who have taught me things. (He throws the basketball on a kid) you not being there! You fall! Ted (2030): The next morning, Barney woke up on the futon in the living room. Barney: Done. (Barney is McClaren's) "Drinking shots with strangers. "Done. Ted: OK, Barney? You seem to have a bad back. Barney: No, it's just the raver's hump. I like it. It brings me closer to my glass. A youth! (He can not drink his glass) You should have a straw? Robin: There's a side admirable in its way to remain young.Who wants to be old? Ted: This guy. Life is a meal and old age, the dessert. I get so many worries about the future. Where will my career? Who will I marry? When you're old, you do not worry, because all this has happened before. You got pumps and a comfortable seat for the stairs. That's perfect. Robin: It's not perfect, it's pathetic. You can not skip to the end.The best thing is the journey. Ted: I thought that, too, you'll understand when you grow older. Lily is always with Marshall at basketball practice. Lily: Marshall, you can avoid the attack today? Marshall: I will not attack, Lily. I attack this pervasive culture of failure. I have to toughen them if you want to win the match tomorrow. Lily: Winning? There are no points. Marshall: What? Lily: There are no points. Marshall: You not count... What interest not to do? How do you know... Lily, what were you doing with the team before I arrive? Lily: I was training. Flashback Lily is sitting in the stands and plays guitar, while the kids play basketball. Lily: That's my little angels. You are luminous beings of light. Boy: What's the score? Lily: Gender: joy joy! End flashback Lily: Because that's the point of playing, having fun. Marshall: The point of playing is to win the trophy. And if you do not know who wins, wins the trophy? Lily: Everyone. This is a participation trophy, everyone has one. Marshall: Everything that's Chinese to me. Barney at the bar with Robin and Ted. Barney: Hi, this is Barney. Robin: And Robin. Barney: We can not answer because... Robin: He watches football and I'm... Barney: Part shopping. Leave a message, you are reminded... Robin:... soon... Barney:... we... Robin and Barney:... can! Barney: "Making an autoresponder message to two annoying."Done. It will probably cost me a few appointments, but it's okay. Robin: Your ear begins to feel. Barney: It's good. Ted: I hate to refuse, but you told me that the turkey was extremely thin, and see for yourself. Robin: Okay. It's good. You have your own list. Ted: What? Robin: A list of things that you are too young. Do all these things and tell me if you still want to be old. Ted: Removes "colonoscopy" and "sleeping with an old", and is a cinch. Barney: New bet, then. If you can finish your list before me, we will cover the laser PQ and you pay toilet paper.Biodegradable and not this crap. I want up there forever. Ted: Well, if I finished first, it's six hours of study of American architecture from the early 20th, and you can not ever do something in the list of Murtaugh. This is for your own good. Barney: Bet held. Robin: An agreement of honor! [SCENE_BREAK] Back to basketball practice... Lily: Marshall, they were in kindergarten. It teaches not basketball like that. Marshall: Sure. I learned that way. Lily: Are you kidding? What kind of sociopath told you like that? Flashback Marshall plays basketball, outside his home with his father. Marshall: Come on, Dad. I'm tired. Father: Sleep is for the winners. You go to bed when you get labeled. Marshall: I'm trying. Father: I give you two points for trying. But I take off two points because of your big head. End flashback Marshall: With my father, no mercy and I did not ask. I really need to call this guy. Continue stretching! Ted is at his apartment. Ted: "Put on reading glasses. "Done. "Yelled the boy from the neighborhood. "With pleasure. (Ted was about to leave when Robin and Barney come but this box) What happened to you? Barney: I just had a little "screw up my knee and it hurts" incident. Ted: How did you do? Barney: It... "Helped to move the sixth floor walk against pizza and beer." Robin: Or you helped steal the sixth floor. They were in a hurry and left the pictures. Barney's counting anyway. Now I will go "Me dye flashy colors," and then we will go to "Go to a rave." Ted: 16 pm! Supper time. Marshall puts basketballs. Lily: Your father was hard on you. It's ugly, but you do not have to be like him. You can learn from mistakes. Marshall: Errors? Lily, result. The guy was successful. He taught me to be a winner. This is what I teach these kids. And besides, this is what I will do with our children. Lily: OK, enough. This is not how we will raise our children!And that's not how you gonna lead this team! In tomorrow's game, if you're anything but a teddy bear with the cotton candy and rainbows, I foudroierai gaze so hard that you bruise! The times I've found your internet history, it was a mere side! Is that clear? Marshall: There are different... Lily: Is that clear? Marshall: Yes, ma'am. What is ironic is that... Lily Marshall launches a chair, he avoids. Barney and Robin are at a rave. Barney: Ted Calls. I want to go. Robin: Okay. I call it. But it is 4:30 am. It will not be awakened. Ted: Got up at 4am... Done. Barney: It answers? Robin: I have not called yet. Barney: Hurry up, Robin. At Ted, the phone rings. Ted: Okay. "Take time to answer the phone. " Barney: Come on, Ted. I was given aspirin and I do not think it was. Ted: Done. It's game day for Marshall and his team. Marshall: I know I was a little hard on you, the last two days.And I apologize. Today, we will not think of victory. We'll go there and... have fun. The referee and the children rush the field. Ted (2030): Children, over time your Uncle Marshall rehashed the story this game hundreds of times. And in fact, children from the other team were older than one class. But harping on the story, they looked like that. The opposing team is an adult. Marshall: Let them score easily. Now you're sitting. Great.Addison is not football. Do not shoot! Unless you find it funny, in this case, have fun though. It was not a foul, referee? Referee: I'm no referee, but Kenny. And watch your tone. Marshall: No tone, Kenny. Good job. Thank you very much.See you later. Robin, Barney and Ted return to the apartment. Robin: As a manager, I threw in the towel. This bet is over.Your ear looks like a Danish pastry in a French breakfast. Barney: No, he remains a. "The beer funnel. " Ted: It happens. I found these weird Russian beers, in the basement. Robin: The Russian beer? I will take a bierofski. Bierofski. Got it? Ted: Yes, it's... a little hot. I hope this is not a problem. Barney: No, no. Okay. You won, I hate it. I hate it. My back is killing me. At the rave, I was mistaken for a cop. I have an earache so I can hear... I hear my own ear. Think about it. My clothes... What... Take that! I have redeemed you your best costume for twice its price. This is... $ 30. And throw the shoes. You won, Ted. I will not make anything of the Murtaugh list. I'm too old for this stuff. Ted: You know, yesterday I went to bed at 20h because it was on the list and I could not sleep... because it was 20h. So I watched Lethal Weapon. Flashback Ted is on the couch and watch TV. Ted: I still could not sleep, so I watched Lethal Weapon 2. And then 3. And in the middle of Lethal Weapon 4, I realized... End flashback Ted:... that Murtaugh kept repeating: "I'm too old for this stuff," but every time he says, he changes his mind, made another movie, and stuff. What I'm trying to say is that... the toilet, age.Will cover the PQ laser tag. Barney: And then the hospital. At the basketball game... Marshall: Good job, guys. At least, there are no points, eh? No idea of the score. It could be 53-0. It could be something else.It's 53-0. Boy: What are we doing wrong, coach? Marshall: You do not do anything wrong. It's great that you lost, because in life, no matter the effort you make, or how much you try, people give you things. Since graduation, jobs, promotions. No matter what you do on the ground, as... As you're having fun. Ted (2030): Because they did not want to argue in front of children, your uncle and your aunt Lily Marshall had a telepathic conversation. Lily: Do not look at me like that. Marshall: I take it anymore! Your coaching is crazy! Lily: Stop yelling at me! Marshall: I'm sorry. But is what I can do it my way? Lily: OK, but I'll do it my way too. With the guitar. Ted (2030): Was it the determination of Marshall, Lily of encouragement, or the magic combination of both, but in the second half, the disorganized group of little urchins... have actually made things worse. In fact, according to Uncle Marshall, in the second half, the other team had even grown.And one of them had changed into a werewolf. Marshall: There is a werewolf on the ground! It can not be legit. Lily: They look different, the children, but make sure they feel surrounded. Marshall: It was not a market, right? You're killing me! You kill me outright! Kenny: Attention, coach, or I put a technical foul. Marshall: I beg you to put me in one. Ted (2030): When the final whistle sounded charitably, the score was, according to the estimate of Marshall, 118 to nothing. And even if they did not win, everyone, including the coach, received a trophy for participation. Lily: I understand that you like it not. Marshall: I love it. I worked hard. It's nice to be appreciated at its true value. Lily: I know, baby. Marshall: Your way is perhaps not completely stupid. Lily: Thank you. Yours is. Ted, Barney and Robin meet the PQ laser tag. McCracken: My great... you cause me problems since you joined this club. But damn... if this is not the best battle of PQ I've ever seen. You are returned... And right away. Barney: Really? McCracken: Good God, no! I call the police! Major cons with pink hair that dangle from the PQ. Are you kidding. I'm too old for this... Ted (2030): Stuff. He said "Stuff".

Plan: A: Barney; Q: Who tries to complete every task on Ted's list? A: the gang; Q: What does Barney call his friends? A: 24 hours; Q: How long does Barney have to complete the tasks? Summary: When Barney hears that Ted has made a list of things he feels the gang is too old to do, he attempts to complete every task on the list within 24 hours to prove Ted wrong.

[Scene: Manor. Phoebe's room. Phoebe is asleep in bed. She is dreaming about Cole, having flashbacks.] Cole: Ladies, my name's Cole Turner... I won't hurt you. Phoebe: It's a little too late for that, don't you think? Cole: Phoebe, I'm telling you, I'm not evil anymore... I come to you nothing more, nothing less. Piper, Phoebe, Paige: Vanquish this evil from time and space. (Phoebe wakes up with a jolt.) [Scene: An apartment. A man and a woman are on the bed. The woman is humming a song. She strokes his chest and then his face. She gasps.] Woman: Oh! Man: Don't stop. Woman: But it's time. Can't you feel it? Your wife is almost here. Man: Oh, my wife. Melissa. Woman: Yes, didn't I mention? (A door opens and closes from outside.) I always like to let the wives watch their men die. Melissa: David? (She walks in.) Woman: Now. (She kisses David passionately and hums a song. Smoke rises from their lips and turns into flames. David falls back on the bed, dead.) Wow. Oh, your husband was so much fun. It's time to snap out of it and feel the pain. (She throws her against a table and it smashes.) Melissa: David? Woman: Oh, he can't hear you. (She waves her hand in front of the curtain and it bursts into flames.) Not anymore. Melissa: Oh, god! (She races over to David but she stops her.) Woman: Ah-a-a-a. You see, I was burned for my sins. Only fair you should burn too. (Melissa coughs from the smoke. The woman smokes out.) [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Phoebe's sitting at her desk, talking on the phone.] Phoebe: Death did us part, Cole. Just because you figured out a way to come back, doesn't mean that I didn't keep my end of the bargain. Cole: Come on, Phoebe, a quickie divorce... Phoebe: I just thought since we weren't gonna ride off into the sunset... Cole: You want sunset? I can have us on horseback in five seconds flat. Phoebe: Oh, yeah? What, are you gonna steal a horse from one of those apocalypse guys? Cole: Haven't I proven to you that I'm not evil anymore? Phoebe: Cole, we've been through this, okay. Your powers are evil, your blood is acidic and everything that you are you stole from the demonic wasteland. Cole: This morning my firm agreed to pro bono work. You can't say that's evil. Phoebe: Well, if you use demonic mind control to convince your firm to do it, then yeah. Cole: I also used my powers to vanquish three demons this week. What about that? Phoebe: Cole, it doesn't matter who you're helping. If you're using your evil powers then it doesn't help, count. (Cole turns up the volume on the TV.) Reporter: The neighbours fear that some residents may be trapped inside. Phoebe: Hello? Reporter: The flames are so intense the firefighters have been unable to get inside to help. Phoebe: Cole? (Cole disappears.) Cole? [Cut to the Bay Mirror. Some employees are watching the news. Suddenly, Cole walks out of the building on the TV, carrying a woman.] Employee: He saved that woman! Employee #2: He saved her. (Phoebe watches the TV in awe.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Paige is there making a potion. Piper walks in slowly, holding her stomach.] Piper: Paige? (Piper hiccups and a fizzy bubble floats out of her mouth.) Paige. Paige: Yeah, just a second. (Piper hiccups another fizzy bubble. Piper picks up a pan and drops it on the table. Paige gets a fright and drops something in the pot. The potion explodes.) Paige: Uh! Are you trying to kill us? Piper: No, I'm trying to get a little attention around here, which these days seems to require a small explosion. Paige: Well, excuse me for trying to focus. Piper: Focus? Paige, ever since you quit your job you've been on some weird witchcraft mission. Now, I miss my sister and I can not stand the constant reek of your potions. Paige: Well, since when do your nasal passages take precedence over my potions? Piper: Since I got pregnant and my senses went into over drive. But that's alright, you know, you've been busy, maybe you haven't noticed. Paige: Look, I gave up a promising career so I could focus on the craft and no offence, Piper, I've still got a lot to learn. Which means I can't just sit around the house chit-chatting. Piper: Paige, I don't wanna chat. I got problems here. Geez, you look like my husband with boobs. (Piper hiccups a fizzy bubble. She sighs.) Paige: Uh, what the hell was that? Piper: That was the latest in a series of wacky tricks my growing baby is playing on my body. You know, because the constant nausea and the torturous breast pain was not enough. Paige: That orbs, is that normal? Piper: This is what I'd like to know. You're half Whitelighter like the baby, did you ever... Paige: Burp white light? No. What else is happening to you? Piper: What's happening is I think my baby is trying to turn me into some kind of pacifist. Paige: Huh. What does Leo say about this? Piper: Well, mostly Leo says "Sorry, honey, I gotta go". (They hear the TV on and they walk into the living room. Leo's there watching TV.) Oh, good, you're home. You would not believe what's happening with my... Leo: Did you see this? Paige: You came home to watch TV? Leo: No, look. (The news is showing replays of Cole saving Melissa.) Piper: Is that Cole? Paige: Oh my god, I can't believe he's doing look at me I'm a good guy routine on prime time. Phoebe must be thrilled. Leo: Well, she should be. The Elders said the woman he saved, Melissa, is a future Whitelighter and if he hadn't saved her, she would never get the chance to do the good that would earn her her wings. Piper: Well, speaking of Whitelighters, I dreamt an animated musical last night. Is that normal? Leo: Normal? Piper: Yeah, in case you haven't noticed which I know you haven't, my body, my thoughts, my dreams have all gone wonky. Leo: Well, I'm sure it's all just normal pregnancy stuff. I mean, we could talk about this later if you want to. Paige: Oh, I think you should talk about it now. Leo: Okay, well, I think this attack on Melissa was demonic and the Elders want me to watch after her until she's safe. Piper: Fine. Go. (Tears well up in her eyes.) Leo: Oh, not the crying thing. Piper: Leo, I have growing powers inside of me. Powers that I do not understand, and the only person who does understand them never has time to talk. Add that to raging hormones and I guarantee you I am absolutely entitled to do the crying thing! (She hiccups another fizzy bubble.) Paige: Okay, is that normal? Leo: I am sure that it's just all this arguing has got the baby upset. Piper: Leo, the baby is an inch long. All this arguing is upsetting the mummy. Leo: Okay, honey, look, I'm sure that it's nothing to worry about. Right now I need to watch after Melissa and you need to figure out who's after her. I'm sorry. (Piper looks away. Leo kisses her head and orbs out.) Paige: You want me to orb his butt back here for you? Piper: No, he's right. Innocents come first. And besides, the smell of his aftershave was making me wanna vomit a little. (She heads for the door.) Paige: Where you going? Piper: To Darryl. To see if the police found anything at the crime scene that might help. Paige: Okay, not to sound too simplistic but if she's a Whitelighter-to-be, doesn't that mean we're after a Darklighter? Piper: No, Darklighters use poison arrows, they don't usually set fires. Paige: Well, why would a demon wanna kill her anyway? Piper: I don't know, but the sooner we find out, the sooner I'll probably be able to finish a conversation with my husband. [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Phoebe's sitting at her desk. There's a knock at the door.] Phoebe: I'm not here, go away. (The door opens and Elise walks in.) Elise: Ahh, if it isn't the little wife. Phoebe: Actually, it's not. My marriage is over. All except for the paperwork. Elise: Don't let your readers here you say that. Who wants to take advice from the woman who's divorcing Superman? Phoebe: Elise, he's no hero. And if you're here to make me give an interview that's exactly what I'll say. Elise: Which is why you'll be getting the interview instead. Phoebe: Excuse me? No, I'm not a reporter. Elise: No, but you're the wife. It's called human interest. Call your husband and get an exclusive with him. Consider this a personal favour. By favour I mean order. (Elise leaves her office. Phoebe races after her.) Phoebe: Elise. Woman to woman, okay? Cole was the love of my life. And I'm finally learning to live my life without him. Now calling him for a favour would be opening up a can of worms that I have worked so hard to close. Elise: Woman to woman, if you're still describing this guy as the love of your life then the can is open, the worms are out and you may as well use them to go fishing. [Scene: A club. The Siren is sitting at the bar. She smiles at a man sitting at the bar a couple of stools down.] Siren: Shouldn't you be at home with your wife? Man: Probably. (She moves to the stool next to him.) Siren: Rough day? Man: Rough month. Siren: You know what might make you feel better? A little music. (She starts humming a song. She strokes his face. The news comes on a TV near by.) What? She's alive? Man: I'm sorry, what? Siren: You have no idea how lucky you just got. (She leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Phoebe and Cole are there.] Phoebe: Alright, let's get this over with shall we? (She sighs.) What was going through your mind while you were in the fire? Cole: Uh, well, mostly I was hoping that one of the powers I picked up from the demonic wasteland would protect me from the flames. Phoebe: You know what? Let's just forget it. Let's just forget this whole thing. Cole: No, no, no, I'm sorry. I'll, uh, I'll reign it in. Phoebe: Alright. Well, what was going through your mind when you were in the fire? Cole: I was thinking, um, I hope I make it out of this. I'd hate to never see my wife again. Phoebe: Cole... Cole: I'm serious. All day long, every thing I do I'm thinking of you. Phoebe: Okay, do you think this is some kind of game? Do you have any idea how disturbing it was for me to watch you walk through a wall of fire. Cole: I saved a woman's life, how is that disturbing? Phoebe: Well, because you have more powers than any demon I have ever met. And the city may think that you're just this brave guy, but I know the truth, okay, and it's freakin' scary. Cole: I will not use my powers for anything but good. Phoebe: I know you believe that and I know you want it to be true but, Cole, it's just a matter of time. Cole: You're wrong. (He stands up.) Phoebe: Cole, evil is inside of you, it's who you are. And no amount of good deeds will ever change that. Cole: You're wrong. And if I have to hunt down and kill every demon in San Francisco to prove it to you, then that's what I'm gonna do. Phoebe: Cole. What about the interview? Cole: You know me so well make it up. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Paige and a Darklighter are there. The Darklighter is in a crystal trap. Piper walks in.] Piper: Paige! Paige: In the attic. Piper: Okay, so the good news is it's not a... Darklighter. Darklighter: That's what I've been telling her. (Paige throws a crystal at the trap and shocks him.) Paige: Shut up! Darklighter: I told you I don't know anything! (She touches the trap with a crystal and shocks him. He doubles over in pain.) Piper: Paige. What are you doing? (They walk away from the trap.) Paige: Relax, Piper, I summoned him into a trap so he can tell me which one of his lovely friends is trying to kill Melissa. Piper: I'm sorry, did you say relax? You brought a Darklighter into our home and you want me to relax? Paige: Don't worry, the Book Of Shadows is safe downstairs. (The Darklighter tries to disable the trap but zaps himself.) Piper: I'm not worried about the book. Paige, you have Whitelighter genes which means this guy could kill you, not to mention my husband an my unborn child. (The Whitelighter disables the trap and escapes.) Paige: It's not like he's in a power position or anything. (The Whitelighter's crossbow appears and he shoots for Piper and Paige. They move out of the way.) Okay, I was wrong, blow him up! (Piper tries to blow him up but fireworks appear above him.) Piper: What the hell? Paige: Crossbow! (The crossbow orbs into Paige's hands and she shoots at the Darklighter. He is vanquished.) Piper: See? This is why we do not summon Darklighters to the house! Paige: Noted. Now what the hell is going on with your powers, lady? Piper: I don't know. I think my half-Whitelighter baby thought that fireworks would be prettier than demon guts. Paige: Okay, we need to teach your also half-witch baby the joys of maiming and killing demons. (She points at her with the crossbow.) Piper: Get that thing away from me. (Paige puts it down.) Leo! Paige: What, are you gonna tell on me now? Piper: No! We need help, especially if my baby's gonna be messing with my powers. Look, Melissa's husband's lungs were incinerated before the apartment burned. Leo! And Darryl said three other men died the same way recently. So the fact that Melissa is a future Whitelighter might be just a coincidence. For god's sakes, Leo! (Her mobile phone rings. She answers it.) Hello? Leo: Yeah, what's up? Piper: What's up? Now you don't even come home when I call? Leo: Well, I haven't had a chance to get in to heal Melissa. She's in really bad shape but I think the doctor's about to come out any minute. [Cut to Leo at the hospital.] Piper: Yeah, okay, but we're in pretty bad shape here too. We've got some fire breathing demon to deal with. (A nurse walks up to Leo.) Nurse: Uh, sir, that phone is for staff use only. Leo: Okay, just one second. (to Piper) Now's my chance, I have to go. [Cut to the attic.] Piper: No, no, no, you don't understand. My powers are on the fritz and I have no idea how to... (Leo hangs up.) Control them. [Cut to the hospital. Leo walks into Melissa's room. The Siren smokes in.] Leo: Hey! (He holds out his hand and the Siren sees his wedding ring. She starts humming a song and moves closer to Leo.) [Cut to the manor. Attic.] Paige: Maybe he got disconnected? Piper: Oh, no, he hung up on me. Okay, vanquish demon first, kill husband later. Let's just get to the book... (She hears the Siren's humming.) Leo. Paige: What? Piper: It's so beautiful. Paige: What is? Hello, anybody home? Piper: Leo. [Cut to the hospital. The Siren is kissing Leo. Smoke is rising from their lips. Paige orbs in with Piper.] Paige: Hey! (She grabs an IV stand and hits the Siren over her back. She is knocked to the floor. Leo coughs.) Orb her out, Leo! (Leo orbs out with Melissa. The Siren gets up.) Piper: Kiss this, bitch! (Piper tries to blow her up but colourful leaves fall from above her.) Oh, bad baby! (The Siren pushes Piper out the window. Paige throws a pole at the Siren and it goes right through her stomach. Paige orbs out. The Siren smokes out.) [Cut to outside. Piper is falling from the room. Paige orbs in and grabs her. They fall into a dumpster.] Piper: I hit her with flowers? Paige: You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Leo and Melissa are there. Melissa is lying on the couch while Leo heals her. Piper and Paige orb in and Piper freezes Melissa.] Paige: Well, at least that power still works. Leo: Are you alright? What happened? Piper: Before or after you were making out with the demon? (Leo sighs.) Paige: Well, I'll just go get the book. (Paige leaves.) Leo: Honey... Piper: No, don't you honey me. Leo, our pacifist offspring just turned my best offensive power into flowers. Which got me blown out a window. (Leo goes over to her.) Leo: Wh- are you alright? Did she heal you? Piper: Oh, is that what you think? Because I'm self healing now that you don't need to be around? Leo: No, I don't think that at all. Look, let's just focus on what's going on with your powers. Piper: No, I'm sick and tired of focusing on everything but us. I feel like I'm going through this whole pregnancy thing by myself and I do not like it. Leo: Well, what am I supposed to do? I have a job. Piper: Yeah, you have a wife too. (Paige walks in with the book.) Paige: I think I found the demon. Am I interrupting something? Piper: Yes. What does the book say? Paige: Well, as a mortal the Siren fell in love with a married man but when they were caught the man was held blameless. Piper: Typical. Paige: The village women cheered as they burned her to death and her rage turned her into a Siren, a vengeful demon who seduces married men with her song, then destroys the couples with the very flame that consumed her. Piper: Lovely. Paige: Nothing we can't handle with a good potion. Leo: I wouldn't be so sure, you didn't feel her power. Piper: Looked to me like you felt a little bit more than her power. Leo: Yeah, right, like I really wanted to. Piper: Yeah, well, if you were home instead... Leo: What? What am I supposed to do? Abandon my charges? Clip my wings? Piper: I expect you to care, and notice, and ask what's going on with me. I expect you to make me a priority and not just when demons are involved. (Orbing light appears out of Piper and Leo's backs.) Paige: Uh, Piper, Leo? Leo: Look, it's not like I'm out golfing or screwing around. I'm working and my work is very important. Piper: I'm not saying that it isn't. Leo: Then what are you saying? Paige: You guys? Piper: Forget it, you don't understand. Leo: I don't understand? You don't understand. Piper: Well, I understand that your charges are more important than your family. Leo: You have no idea what I go through every day. Piper: Yeah, well, you have no clue what I go through every day. (The two orbing lights hit Piper and Leo and knock them to the floor.) Paige: Ooh, that can't have been good. Leo: What happened? (Piper and Leo get up.) Paige: Well, I tried to tell you guys. Orbs were swirling and... (Melissa unfreezes. She gets up, frightened.) Melissa: Where, where am I? Leo: Freeze her again. (Piper tries to freeze her but she orbs out and back in instead.) Piper: Whoa. (Melissa gasps.) What just happened here? (Melissa gets scared and heads for the door.) Leo: Melissa, wait! (He reaches out for her and blows up the glass on the door.) Melissa: Oh my god! Piper: Hey! That's my power! (Melissa opens the door and runs away. Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Okay, why do I have the feeling my day's about to get worse? Leo: Uhh... [Scene: The Siren's place. The Siren and a demon are there. The Siren still has the pole stuck in her stomach. The demon is making a black paste.] Demon: Hold on, almost there. (He pulls out the pole.) Siren: Was it the Charmed Ones? (He smells the pole.) Demon: Smells that way. There were only two? (She nods.) Lucky you didn't meet all three. You wouldn't have had the luxury of calling me for healing. (He spreads some paste on her wound.) You should leave before the witches find you. Siren: I want them to find me. Save me from having to sing for their husbands. Demon: So eager for vengeance. Foolish girl. You barely got away the first time. Siren: I wasn't ready for them, this time I will be. Demon: But how can you hope to fight such powerful witches? Siren: They may be powerful but they are no different than any other woman when it comes to love. [Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are there. Paige is in the foyer pacing up and down with the Book Of Shadows.] Leo: I need to go after Melissa. Phoebe: And what? Blow her up? Leo: Damn it. (to Piper's stomach) Give daddy his powers back now. Phoebe: Don't blame my niece. She magically swapped your powers because the two of you were not communicating. Piper: We were communicating, we were just communicating loudly. Phoebe: Well, think what you want, I think my niece is a genius. She did exactly what any good marriage counsellor would've done. Leo: A good marriage counsellor would've swapped our powers? Phoebe: No. She would've made you walk a mile in each other's shoes. Piper: Ugh. Paige: Abracadabra! (The broken glass on the door magically gets repaired.) Phoebe: Nice job! Piper: You did all that with abracadabra? Paige: Nah, I used a spell. I just always wanted to say that. Come on, we need to go make the Siren's potion before she starts singing again. Leo: Uh, shouldn't we concentrate on swapping our powers back? Paige: Come on now, Leo, you know how that works. You two are only gonna get your powers back once you've learned your lessons. Piper: Ugh, I hate that. It's just so very after school special. [Time lapse. Everyone's in the kitchen. Phoebe and Paige are making the potion. Piper is standing there patting her head.] Piper: Okay, uh, what's with all the chatter in my head? Leo: It's probably one of my charges. Does anyone sound panicked? Piper: How do you differentiate? Wait, do you hear these voices all the time? Leo: Pretty much. Phoebe: Okay, can we just focus on the Siren? Power swap or not, if she came after you once you're still vulnerable. Paige: Hey, you're still married too, she might come after you. Phoebe: Yeah, technically. Besides, if she's stupid enough to go after Cole it'll be her swan song. (They hear knocking.) Piper: Knocking, okay, I'm hearing knocking sounds. Paige: Yeah, honey, we all are. (Cole appears.) Phoebe: Cole. Cole: What? I knocked. Piper: Doors, people use doors. Cole: No time. I came to warn you there's a Siren in town. I think she might be the one that... Paige: Set the fire? Yeah, yeah, we got that. (Leo burps and a fizzy bubble floats out of his mouth.) Cole: Whoa, what was that? Piper: Hey, how did you do that? Leo: I don't know but I'm feeling really nauseous. Piper: Oh, god, and I'm not. Wait, how, why... Why does he have my pregnancy symptoms? Cole: Wait, w-wait, you're pregnant? Piper: Well, I was but now I think Leo is. Cole: Huh? Leo: No, no-no-no-no. Paige: Relax, you guys. Leo blew the door up, he didn't cover it in flowers, which mean clearly you're still pregnant. Piper: Mm. Then why...? Phoebe: Because magic has a sick sense of humour. Just enjoy it. Leo: Are your boobs always this sore? (Piper laughs.) Cole: I'm a little confused. Phoebe: Cole, maybe you should leave. Cole: Phoebe, the Siren is dangerous and since your powers are obviously a little off, maybe I could help. Piper: Uh, that's okay, we don't need your help. We've got enough demons to deal with around here. Cole: Fine. I'll find her and vanquish her myself. (He disappears.) Phoebe: He's trying so hard to be good, maybe... Paige: Phoebe, we've been down this road before. Piper: Panic! Somedbody's panicking! Leo: Who is it? Piper: Uh, I don't know, it's close. I think it might be Melissa. Paige: Is the Siren after her? Piper: No, she seems more overwhelmed than scared. Leo: Well, yeah, everything she's been through. I have to go to her. Phoebe: You're not going anywhere. She's going. Piper: Me? Why? Phoebe: Well, because you have Leo's powers now. That means you're the Whitelighter. Piper: No-no-no, but that doesn't mean I know what to do. Phoebe: I think that's the point. Walk a mile in each other's shoes. Piper: Ugh. Ahh! (She holds her head.) Leo: Alright, you have to hurry. Paige will show you how to orb. Paige: Nah-uh, I have to stay here and make the potion. Phoebe: I'll do it. Piper: Come on, come on, she's giving me a migraine. (She grabs Paige's arm.) Paige: But... (Paige orbs out with Piper. Phoebe puts some stuff in a pot.) Phoebe: So you ready to kick some demon ass... sis? [Cut to Melissa's burnt apartment. Melissa's there. Piper and Paige orb in.] Paige: Okay, we're here, now what? Piper: I don't know. I mean, she's afraid of us, I don't wanna make her more upset. Paige: Well, let's just cast a spell to help her deal with what she's been through today. Piper: Call me crazy but somehow I don't think witchcraft is the solution here. Paige: Well, I'm out of ideas. Piper: Paige, there is another part of you. Your first father was half Whitelighter. Paige: Yeah, he also has blue eyes, doesn't mean that I do. (They stand on something and Melissa spins around.) Melissa: Who are you? Why won't you leave me alone? Piper: Melissa, we're just trying to help you, and get you some clothes. Melissa: Get away from me! Just leave me alone! (Piper sighs.) Piper: Whoa. Another charge is in trouble. Oh, big trouble. You go after her, I've gotta go. Paige: What? No, you can't expect me to... (Piper orbs out.) I'm not a Whitelighter, I'm a witch! Uh! [Cut to an alley in France. Piper orbs in. A woman is hiding behind some boxes. A rooster is walking around. The woman sees Piper and runs over to her.] Woman: (in French) Where is Leo? Piper: What? Woman: (in French) Please, you have to help, they're after me. Piper: (in French) Calm down, I'll protect you. (in English) Whoa, was that French? Woman: (in French) They're coming! (Two men with guns run around the corner.) Piper: Let's go! (The men shoot.) [Cut to the manor. Kitchen. Leo blows up the glass on the kitchen cupboard.] Phoebe: Nice shot. Leo: I was aiming for the plant. These powers are useless, they're completely out of control. Phoebe: Well, that's because you're a little out of control. You just need to relax. Leo: Relax? I'm sore all over, I'm without my powers, and I'm about to have to fight a demon. My own aftershave is making me sick. How's Piper do this? Phoebe: Well, she too sometimes gets a little cranky. Leo: The Elders are gonna kill me if anything happens to my charges, they're gonna clip my wings and... (He hiccups a fizzy bubble.) Oh, this is ridiculous. Piper! Piper! Why do they call it morning sickness if it lasts all day? (Piper orbs in holding the rooster.) Phoebe: (laughs) What the hell? A rooster? Piper: Long story. (She puts the rooster down.) Since when do you speak French? Leo: Whitelighters speak whatever language their charges are speaking in. Piper: Uh-huh. We've been together four years and I don't know this? Phoebe: Hey, where's Paige? Because this potion's almost ready. Piper: She is with Melissa, and she's not real happy about it either. Whoa, I gotta go, somebody's calling. Leo: Okay, Piper, wait. I need help with your powers... and with your nausea. Piper: Uh, well, honey, I'm sorry but somebody's really in trouble. (She starts to orb out.) Leo: But I'm really in trouble. Piper: Try saltines. (She orbs out completely.) Phoebe: Okay, (she walks over to Leo) here are your crackers, here's a pad and a pen, we need a summoning spell. Leo: Now I'm supposed to rhyme? Phoebe: Yeah, no rest for the whiney. The potion won't work on the Siren unless we can find her. Do it. (She leaves.) [Scene: The Siren's place. Cole is there. He pushes the demon up against the wall.] Cole: Where is the Siren? (He grabs the demon around his throat. Cole hears the Siren's singing. He lets the demon go.) Demon: I'm sure you two will want to be alone. (The demon disappears. Cole walks over to the Siren. She strokes his hair and he leans in for a kiss.) Siren: Uh-uh. Patience. Right now I need to sing for your witch. (She starts humming a song.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe is sitting on the floor.] Phoebe: Hey, let's here the spell, Leo, we've got a Siren to vanquish. (Leo walks in and sits down.) Leo: "Oh singing lady of the dusk, who prays on men turns love to lust, we harken ye..." Phoebe: We harken ye? What, are we trying to summon a leprechaun here? (She laughs.) Leo: I told you I wasn't very good at this. Phoebe: Give me that. (She takes the spell.) It's okay, honey, we'll just rewrite that last line. (Paige orbs in.) Paige: What's going on? Is it all over? Piper: No, you're just in time. We have a potion, we have a barricade, we almost have a summoning spell. Paige: Okay, let's get to it. Leo: Wait, where's Melissa? Paige: Melissa... Well, she got herself arrested. I know, I know, I was trying to talk to her and then I was running after and she just kept running and then she ran into the middle of the street and she caused a big giant traffic accident. Phoebe: Paige! Paige: Well, you know, she'll be safe now... in jail. Leo: Paige, you were supposed to be taking care of her. Look, don't you get it? This could be the final straw. The beginning of a downward spiral from which she may never recover. (Phoebe and Paige watch him in awe.) I'm sorry. (He walks into the living room and sits on the couch. He picks up a pillow and hugs it. Phoebe and Paige walk in.) I don't know what's wrong with me. Paige: Dude, it's the crying thing. Phoebe: It's the hormones. Leo: Really? I just thought that was an excuse. Phoebe: Welcome to our world. (Piper orbs in.) Piper: What happened to Melissa? Paige: Ooh, word travels fast. Piper: I feel like she's in trouble but I'm getting so many damn signals I can't find her. (Phoebe hears the Siren's song.) Wasn't she supposed to be the one charge I didn't have to worry about? Phoebe: Cole... Paige: I'm sorry, Piper, I tried. Piper: Yeah, well, while you were trying I evaded assassins, I prevented two crimes of passion in Portuguese no less, and delivered a baby. I think the least that I could ask for in return is a little help from my family. Paige: Well, I told you I wasn't any good at this Whitelighter thing. Leo: But it's in you, it's half of who you are. Paige: Obviously the latent half. Piper: No, Paige, it's the half that made you become a social worker in the first place. But it's like when you quit your job you quit half your personality. Paige: But my job is being a full time witch and I intend to be good at it and I don't think there's a problem with me concentrating on magic. Leo: Well, there is when you're in such a hurry to get back here for a vanquish that you leave an innocent alone and in pain. Piper: Paige, it's our compassion not our powers that separates us from the bad guys. It's the part of you you can never afford to lose. And it's that part of you that Melissa needs now. Paige: I guess I'd better get back to her. (Paige orbs out.) Leo: You know, you're a pretty good Whitelighter. Piper: Well, I learn from the best. [Scene: A police station. A room. Melissa is there. Paige walks in and sits down.] Melissa: How'd you get them to let you in here? Paige: I have a friend who's a police officer and he knows I'm not here to hurt you. Look, I know you don't know me and after everything you've been through today, I know you have no reason to trust me. Melissa: Who are you? What are you? What do you want from me? Paige: My name is Paige Matthews and I'm a witch and a sort of part guardian angel. I know it's a lot to process and really hard to believe but I really do just want to help you. Melissa: I feel like I'm going crazy. Paige: Yeah, I think after what you've been through today anybody would. My friend, he's working on getting you out of here. Melissa: I don't care. I don't care if I ever get outta here. Paige: Melissa, I'm so sorry about your husband. Melissa: I just can't believe that he's gone. Paige: Yeah. [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Leo's there. Piper comes down the stairs.] Leo: Phoebe's not anywhere. Piper: What if Phoebe underestimated the Siren? What if the Siren has Phoebe and Cole? Leo: Can you sense her? Piper: I've been trying but there's all this chaos in my brain. I keep hearing voices and there's all this pain and I can't isolate anything. Leo: I know it's hard but you have to try. Breathe. Concentrate. Piper: Screw that. Let's just cut to the chase. (They orb out.) [Cut to Cole's apartment. Piper and Leo orb in.] Piper: Phoebe? Leo: Cole's place? Did you sense her here? Piper: No, I just decided to rely on some good old fashion common sense. Phoebe? Leo: Okay, well, that's not working and we can't orb all over town trying to find her, you have to sense her. Piper: Well, I can't. Leo: Piper, you have to. (Piper sighs.) [Cut to the Siren's place. Cole and the Siren are there on the bed. The Siren is humming a song.] Siren: Oh, she's almost here. It's too bad. I was actually having fun with you. (Phoebe walks in. The Siren kisses Cole and smoke rises from their mouths. Cole falls back unconscious.) Phoebe: Cole. Siren: He was cute. But this is still my favourite part. (She uses her power and slams Phoebe against a wall.) Nobody hurts me and gets away with it, you little witch. Phoebe: Wanna bet? (Phoebe throws the potion at the Siren but it disintegrates in midair. The Siren turns to Cole, who's sitting on the bed.) Siren: You're alive. That's not possible. Phoebe: Cole, that was the vanquishing potion. Cole: I know. (He walks over to the Siren.) I want her for myself. (She starts to smoke out but he grabs her.) Phoebe: Do me a favour, make it hurt. (Cole kisses the Siren.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cole's apartment. Piper and Leo are there. Piper's sitting on the couch with her eyes closed.] Leo: Piper, you have to focus. Take a deep breath and imagine white lights flowing around you, flowing through you. Piper: If I breathe anymore I'm gonna pass out. Leo: Damn it, Piper. I hear those voices, I feel that pain all the time. How do you think I do it? How do you think I separate myself? Piper: I don't know. Leo: By coming home to you. I've been walking around in your life all day and I honestly don't know how you handle it. The way I handle mine is by coming home to you. It's your love that keeps me whole and sane and balanced, and I need you to allow me to do the same thing for you right now. So look into my eyes, breathe. Phoebe's Voice: Piper? Piper: Oh god. Phoebe. [Cut to the Siren's place. Cole grabs Phoebe by the neck and holds her down.] Phoebe: Cole, get off of me. Leo! Piper! Siren: I think he'll come in handy with your sisters. (Piper and Leo orb in.) Piper: Leo, it's all you. (Leo tries to blow up the Siren but blows up a vase instead. It knocks the Siren backwards. Piper races over and tries to get Cole off Phoebe. He knocks her across the room.) Leo, come on now, focus. (Piper jumps on Cole's back. Leo tries to blow up the Siren but misses.) Hurry! (Phoebe falls unconscious. Leo blows up the Siren. Piper gets off Cole and Cole lets go of Phoebe. He moves away.) Phoebe, wake up. Come on, come on, wake up. Phoebe. Cole: Oh, no. Leo: Heal her. Piper: What? Leo: You can do it. (Piper holds her hands above Phoebe and heals her. Phoebe wakes up.) Piper: Hey, how you doing? (Phoebe sits up and looks at Cole.) Cole: Phoebe... I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. (He disappears.) [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Leo are there watching the rooster.] Piper: I'm a nag. Leo: No, you're not. Piper: Yeah, I am and that's why we don't have our powers back yet because I'm a nag and I never learn. Leo: Piper, I am the reason why we don't have our powers back. I've been an insensitive lout and I clearly haven't gotten... Piper: Leo, your work is very important. (The white lights appear behind Piper and Leo. Paige walks in.) Leo: Not more important than my family. Paige: Uh, guys? Leo: I mean, you're pregnant and you need me and I should've understood that instead of... Piper: But I could've been a little more patient. Paige: Guys? Piper/Leo: What? (The white lights hit Piper and Leo and knock them to the floor.) Paige: I just thought you might wanna take cover. (They stand up.) Leo: I'm not nauseous. Piper: Hey, I am! Wait, that's not good news. Leo: What about your powers? (She throws a bagel and blows it up.) Piper: Very nice. Paige: No more floral arrangements. Piper: Yeah, I guess I got in touch with my inner Whitelighter. Paige: Yeah, helping Melissa helped me too. It's good to know I have it in me. (She leaves the kitchen. Piper and Leo smile at each other.) Leo: What? Piper: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? (Translated to: Want to sleep with me?) Leo: Ooh, mais oui. (Translated to: But yes.) (Piper giggles and they leave the kitchen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Phoebe's there flipping through her mail. There's a knock at the door and Cole walks in.] Phoebe: Hey, look who's back to using doors. Cole: Yeah, I'm trying to, uh, limit my use of powers. Phoebe: Probably a wise decision. Cole: So, uh, did you get my flowers? Phoebe: Yep. Sorry I tried to strangle you? Probably not a card that the florist gets to write every day, huh? Cole: I didn't... Phoebe: I know. I know you're sorry, I know you were under the Siren's spell. Cole: You do know her magic feeds on love. Phoebe: Cole... Cole: She couldn't have lured us if we didn't love each other. Phoebe: Right. So once again our love was nearly fatal. Cole: I never would've hurt you if I wasn't under her spell. Phoebe: Most men don't try to kill their wives when they're under the Siren's spell. Most men just kiss and die. But because you're a demon... Cole: I'm not... Phoebe: Okay, well, because you have demonic powers and a lot of them, you became a bigger threat than the Siren. And that's only one way out of a thousand that your powers can turn against me. Cole: I guess I didn't want you to be right. Phoebe: Neither did I.

Plan: A: A Siren; Q: What arrives in San Francisco? A: couples; Q: Who does the Siren target? A: Whitelighter; Q: What is the future husband of a Siren? A: her sights; Q: What does the Siren set on Phoebe and Cole? A: a way; Q: What do Piper and Paige have to find to keep Phoebe and Cole from dying? A: an argument; Q: What happens between Leo and Piper? A: their unborn baby; Q: What does Piper and Leo have that uses magic? A: its magic; Q: What does the baby use to make Leo and Piper swap powers? A: a mile; Q: How far does the baby want to walk? Summary: A Siren arrives in San Francisco, looking to cause trouble for couples. After she kills the husband of a future Whitelighter, she sets her sights on Phoebe and Cole, Piper and Paige have to find a way to keep them from dying. That proves to be tricky when, following an argument between Leo and Piper, their unborn baby uses its magic to make them swap powers, in an attempt to walk a mile in one another's shoes. Cole continues in his quest to prove to Phoebe that he's no longer evil.

ROBOT By: Terrance Dicks First Air Date: 18 January 1975 Running time: 24:29 [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Well, I brought along something that will deal with it. DOCTOR: I very much doubt it, Brigadier. [SCENE_BREAK] ROBOT: Go! Go now, or I will destroy you all. [SCENE_BREAK] WINTERS: Well, everything seems to be very satisfactory. And how are you getting on, Professor? KETTLEWELL: I've just finished making the preliminary linkups. You don't really intend to use the destructor codes, do you? WINTERS: I want everything in readiness. KETTLEWELL: But if they don't agree, if they call our bluff, we'll surrender, won't we? WINTERS: No. We shall fire the missiles. KETTLEWELL: But you can't. It would mean a nuclear war. WINTERS: You want a better world, don't you? We shan't gain it without some sacrifices. Now, start the countdown, Professor. [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: How are we doing, Miss Smith? SARAH: Okay. HARRY: Yeah, I think it's coming. [SCENE_BREAK] WINTERS: What about food and water? How long can we hold out if the worst happens? JELLICOE: I'm not really sure. WINTERS: Then you should be. Take me to the food storage. We must make a proper check. (To KETTLEWELL.) Keep your eye on our friends outside, Professor. [SCENE_BREAK] JELLICOE: Wait. [SCENE_BREAK] JELLICOE: What are we going to do with them? WINTERS: They're obviously no use to us as hostages. We can't afford useless mouths to feed. They'll have to be disposed of. Later. HARRY: That was a near one. SARAH: We're nearly there, I think. HARRY: Yeah. SARAH: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: What's the range and power of that weapon, Doctor? DOCTOR: Power? Almost unlimited. Range, well, it could drill a hole in the surface of the moon. BRIGADIER: And knock out anything we send against it. DOCTOR: Yes. Well, it's no use staying here. Brigadier, prepare your men for an attack. Try and draw the robot away from the door. I'll slip around behind it and finish cutting the lock. BRIGADIER: You don't stand much chance, you know. DOCTOR: I know, but we have to try. BRIGADIER: Right. We'll cover you as long as we can. All right, Benton? [SCENE_BREAK] KETTLEWELL: Can't... I won't. JELLICOE: Don't attempt to stop it. KETTLEWELL: No, I can't do. I won't do it! JELLICOE: Let it run! KETTLEWELL: Thank heavens you've come. SARAH: Can you cancel what you've been doing? KETTLEWELL: There's no time. I'll punch in the hold signal. HARRY: So, now open the main doors. We're going outside. KETTLEWELL: Yes. SARAH: There. HARRY: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Wait. The doors. Sarah. SARAH: Doctor! (To the ROBOT.) Look, please don't shoot. We're no danger to you. ROBOT: You must go. The soldiers must go. SARAH: You've got to let him in there. ROBOT: They are enemies of the human race. SARAH: No, they're the enemies in there. They want to start an atomic war. Kill millions of people! ROBOT: You must go or I will kill... I must kill you. I must destroy you. KETTLEWELL: No, no! He was only telling... ROBOT: I have killed the one who created me. DOCTOR: Now's our chance. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Get away from that keyboard. WINTERS: You won't shoot, Brigadier. SARAH: Maybe he won't, but I will. Move away! WINTERS: Why not? It's finished. The firing instructions have gone out. BRIGADIER: I can still get the major powers to use their fail-safe procedures. WINTERS: Too late, Brigadier. BRIGADIER: Cancel the destructor codes! WINTERS: When that reaches zero, the missiles will be fired, and no one can send the cancel codes in time. DOCTOR: She may be right, Brigadier. BRIGADIER: Benton, get them both out of here. BENTON: Miss Winters. BRIGADIER: Go! DOCTOR: The trouble with computers, of course, is that they're very sophisticated idiots. They do exactly what you tell them at amazing speed, even if you order them to kill you. So if you do happen to change your mind, it's very difficult to stop them obeying the original order, but... not impossible. HARRY: Congratulations, Doctor. SARAH: Oh, you've done it! BENTON: Well done, Doctor. BRIGADIER (OOV.): Right, that's over. Now for a little mopping up. BENTON: Right, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Vanished? How can they have vanished? BENTON: We were all pretty busy inside, sir, mopping up the rest of that Thinktank lot. We noticed the robot was gone when we came out and everyone assumed that someone else had got it. DOCTOR: And Sarah? BENTON (OOV.): Well, we thought... We thought she'd gone home. DOCTOR: Gone home? You mean not one of you connected the disappearance of Sarah with the vanishing of the robot? BRIGADIER: You're sure there is a connection? DOCTOR: I think so. Don't you? HARRY: Why Sarah? DOCTOR: The robot killed Kettlewell, remember? The man who created it. It must be in a state of tremendous emotional shock. What more natural than it should turn to the one person who ever showed it kindness? BRIGADIER: Hmm. Keep looking, Benton. BENTON: Right, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Honestly, they're bound to find us. ROBOT: Anyone who finds us will be destroyed. SARAH: Why? What's the point of more killing? I keep telling you, it's all over. What can you do alone? ROBOT: I can bring about the destruction of humanity. But do not fear, Sarah. You alone will be saved. The bunker is cleared. Come. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Well? BENTON: Still nothing, sir. We're spreading the search radius wider and wider, but the bigger the area to cover, the harder it gets. DOCTOR: There is just one teeny-weeny little thing. BRIGADIER: What's that? DOCTOR: Something else you haven't thought of. What are we going to do with it when we find it? BRIGADIER: Yes. You know, just once I'd like to meet an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. BENTON: Excuse me, sir. BRIGADIER: Hmm? BENTON: Well, when Professor Kettlewell was here talking to Miss Smith, he said the robot was made of some kind of living metal. He even said it could grow. DOCTOR: Did he now? BENTON: Yes. And he went on about some kind of metal virus. Something that attacked the living metal. DOCTOR: The same way disease attacks animal tissue. BENTON: Well, something like that. Anyway, I just wondered if we could... DOCTOR: Yes? BENTON: I'm sorry. It was probably a daft idea, anyway. DOCTOR: Wonderful, Mr. Benton! Wonderful! Brigadier, I must get to Kettlewell's place at once. You find the robot. BRIGADIER: (To HARRY.): You better go with him. HARRY: Right, sir. BRIGADIER (To HARRY.): Keep in RT contact. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: No! Don't hurt him! Let him go! He's not important enough. (To the SOLDIER.) Don't shoot. Just leave now. Don't worry about me. Just go. [SCENE_BREAK] BENTON: Look, sir! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: No! No! Why? Why? ROBOT: I destroyed Kettlewell. I must see that his plan does not fail. SARAH: But... But he changed his mind. He wouldn't want you to continue. ROBOT: Mankind is not worthy to survive. Once it is destroyed, I shall build more machines like myself. Machines do not lie. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Why didn't that silly man write up his experiments properly? BRIGADIER (OOV.): Doctor, this is the Brigadier. Can you hear me? HARRY (On the phone.): This is Lieutenant Sullivan, sir. The Doctor's rather busy at the moment. DOCTOR (To HARRY.): Tell him to stop pestering me. I've found a metal virus and I'm trying to prepare an active solution but he must give me time. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER (On the phone.): Sullivan, tell the Doctor we've found the robot. HARRY (OOV.): Well done, sir. Where is it? BRIGADIER (On the phone.): It's shut itself inside the bunker with Miss Smith. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Yes! Yes, of course! Suppressed Oedipus complex, leading to excessive guilt and overcompensation. BRIGADIER (OOV.): Doctor, Oedipus is not... DOCTOR (On the phone.): Brigadier! The robot will try to carry out Kettlewell's plan. Is the computer terminal in the bunker still active? BRIGADIER (OOV.): Far as I know. I don't suppose... DOCTOR (On the phone.): Can you switch off the electricity supply? BRIGADIER (OOV.): Yes... No, no. It's on a special sealed-circuit. DOCTOR (On the phone.): Then warn all the major powers. The emergency is not over. They must operate full fail-safe procedures at once. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Yes! You see, they've operated the fail-safe mechanism. Give up now. Please! ROBOT: Humanity must be destroyed. It is evil. Corrupt. SARAH: But you can't take on the whole world. Don't you understand? They'll destroy you. ROBOT: Do not fear. I cannot be destroyed. Come. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Come along, man. Come along. HARRY: This any good? DOCTOR: We've done it, Harry. We've done it. [SCENE_BREAK] BENTON: Sir. BRIGADIER: No one is to open fire. She may find a chance to get clear. ROBOT: Stay here. BENTON: It's going to attack, sir. Should we pull back? BRIGADIER: Of course, the very thing. I think just for once, we're not going to need the Doctor. BRIGADIER: Follow me and hold your fire till ordered. [SCENE_BREAK] ROBOT (To SARAH.): You will be safe. See how I deal with our enemies. BRIGADIER: She's out of the line of fire. Launch your grenades. BENTON: Smith, Hampton, get down here quickly with the launcher. BENTON (OOV.): Fire! [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Right, pull back! [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: Curiouser and curiouser. DOCTOR: Said Alice. HARRY: Exactly. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: I see our little problem seems to have grown. Where's Sarah? BENTON: She's safe enough, Doc. BRIGADIER: I gave it a blast with the disintegrator gun. BENTON: It left her up on the roof. DOCTOR: Really, Brigadier, you should be more careful with your little toys. You've given it just the infusion of energy it needed. BRIGADIER: Well, I've sent for the artillery, and the RAF are on their way. DOCTOR (OOV.): I hope that won't be necessary. BRIGADIER: What on earth is that? DOCTOR: Another piece of brilliance from the late Professor Kettlewell, and one that will solve our problem, I hope. Drive on, Harry. HARRY: Right, Doctor. DOCTOR: Wish me luck, Brigadier. BRIGADIER: Now, just a moment, Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH (OOV.): Hey! Hey, get me down! BRIGADIER: Don't just stand there, Mr. Benton. Go and help Miss Smith. BENTON: Right, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: What was that stuff? DOCTOR: Some of Kettlewell's metal virus in an active solution. BRIGADIER (OOV.): Will it work now the thing's that size? DOCTOR: Oh, even faster I hope. Look. It's thrown the growth mechanism into reverse. HARRY: Oh, well done, Doctor. DOCTOR: Thank you, Harry. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: I'll have it taken away. Broken-up, just in case. DOCTOR: No. No, Brigadier, that won't be necessary. Look. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Sarah. Sarah? Would you like a Jelly Baby? I had to do it, you know. SARAH: Yes, yes, I know. It was insane and it did terrible things, but at first, it was so human. DOCTOR: It was a wonderful creature capable of great good. And great evil. Yes, I think you could say it was human. You know, what you need is a change. How about a little trip in a TARDIS? I'm just off. SARAH: Wait, you can't just go. DOCTOR: Why not? It's a free cosmos. SARAH: The Brigadier... DOCTOR: The Brigadier wants me to address the Cabinet, have lunch at Downing Street, dinner at the Palace, and write 17 reports in triplicate. Well, I won't do it. I won't, I won't, I won't! Why should I? SARAH: Doctor, you're being childish. DOCTOR: Well, of course I am. There's no point in being grown-up if you can't be childish sometimes. Are you coming? HARRY: Hello. Well, what are you two up to now, eh? DOCTOR: We're just going on a little trip. Would you like a Jelly Baby? HARRY: Little trip? What, in that old police box? DOCTOR: Yes, as a matter of fact, in that old police box. HARRY: Come along now, Doctor. We're both reasonable men. We both know that police boxes don't go careering around all over the place. DOCTOR: Do we? HARRY: Of course. The whole idea's absurd. DOCTOR: Is it? Hmm. You wouldn't like to step inside a moment? Just to demonstrate that it is all an illusion. HARRY: If you think it will do any good. DOCTOR: Yes, it'll make me feel a lot better. SARAH: Doctor! DOCTOR: In you go. HARRY: Right-o. HARRY (OOV.): Oh, I say! BRIGADIER: Doctor, about that dinner at the Palace, Her Majesty... Yes. Well, I'll tell them you'll be a little late.

Plan: A: the bunker; Q: What is UNIT trying to get into? A: the world's nuclear missiles; Q: What does UNIT try to stop Miss Winters from setting off? A: the K1; Q: What is the name of the person UNIT has to get past? Summary: UNIT attempt to get into the bunker to stop Miss Winters setting off the world's nuclear missiles but first they have to get past the K1.

"Mother and Child in the Bay" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open in Jeffersonian - Brennan's office, Booth is removing her windbreaker from a hook) BOOTH: Cops say the body washed up on the bay. They think it could be Carlie Richardson (He crosses to hand the jacket to Brennan) BRENNAN: And I'm supposed to know who that is? BOOTH: Yeah. Disappeared a year ago, she was pregnant. C'mon Bones, you have to get a TV, y'know. Or, hey, or at least just, uh, hey, thumb through a People at the checkout stand BRENNAN: Was it in the Journal of Forensic Anthropology? (Brennan starts to walk out of her office, Booth follows her as they walk through the lab) BOOTH: Oh, you know, I forgot to renew my subscription. You know what, Bones? You really need to take up some other interests. BRENNAN: (a little tersely) Well, I'm reading Ted Gioia's History of Jazz, was she mentioned in there? Or maybe in McGhee's Science and Lore of the Kitchen? Or perhaps I should develop an interest in the mainstream media's exploitation of crimes for their entertainment value. BOOTH: (laughing a little) You know, it's amazing Bones. You can really be snotty sometimes BRENNAN: (ignores his chuckle) So, Carlie Richardson? BOOTH: Carlie Richardson, newlywed. Everyone assumed she was murdered. (Brennan swipes her card and walks onto the lab platform, Booth follows) Husband was cheating on her, there was evidence that they had a fight that day. He was covered in scratches. Witnesses said they saw him down by the marina. Yeah, but, hey you know without the body, they had to kick him free. (Brennan begins packing supplies into her field bag) BRENNAN: Well if she's been in the water for a year, the bones will be saturated. I'll need nylon mesh bagging and- BOOTH: Cam's bringing in everything on the truck. BRENNAN: Well after a year there's not going to be a lot of flesh for Cam. BOOTH: Well, you know, hey, Bones, you know, Cam is - she's in charge now. She runs the place, it's her call. BRENNAN: Then lets hurry, I don't what my remains to be compromised. (Brennan picks up her now packed back and begins to leave the platform, forcing Booth to jog a little to keep up with her) BOOTH: Okay (hums to himself as he follows) BRENNAN: I don't care if she's the boss (Booth's cell phone rings and he goes to answer. BRENNAN: The bones belong to me. BOOTH: Hey, oh. (into phone) Booth. Oh, yeah. Rebecca. (Bones stops walking and turns to watch Booth's conversation) BOOTH: Whoa, wait a second, slow down, okay? This is my weekend with Parker, okay? I am his father, all right? Stu is your boyfriend. (he sighs) (Brennan sees Cam crossing the lab on her way out. She is followed by Zack, both carrying equipment.) CAM: We're going to be in the water, Doc. Remember to bring Traxon and soluble tape. (Zack waves at Brennan and he and Cam exit the lab) BRENNAN: (Insulted, she moves towards Both who is still on the phone) Does she think I'm new at this? I developed the use of Traxon - (Booth makes a 'silence' motion, cutting her off) BOOTH: (whispers) On the phone, Bones BRENNAN: I know, get off. We have to go. (She tries to pull him away but he shakes her off) BOOTH: (into phone) It's - Rebecca, he's spending a lot of time with Parker and I don't even know this guy. (Brennan tries again to interrupt Booth) BRENNAN: She took Zack, Zack's mine. BOOTH: (Still on the phone) Because you know what? I just - I just want to make sure that he's a good influence. The fact that he (drops his voice to a whisper as Brennan repeatedly taps his shoulder), you know, rocks you - rocks your world, surprisingly, that really, you know, doesn't concern... BRENNAN: I'll just meet you there. (Brennan walks towards the lab doors) BOOTH: - doesn't concern me. I - I gotta run, okay Rebecca? We'll talk about this later. (He hangs up the phone and runs after Brennan) Bones, wait up! (CUT TO: Booth's car, driving through DC streets) BRENNAN: (VO) Why can't you go faster? I don't see why I couldn't drive. (CUT TO: Inside the car, Booth is driving) BOOTH: Because you're agitated. BRENNAN: I am not. BOOTH: You know what, you've turned this into a competition between you and Cam. BRENNAN: I just like to be first on the scene, that's all. To protect the evidence. BOOTH: She's not going to disturb anything. BRENNAN: No, it's all tissue and blood and DNA with her. She doesn't appreciate the skeletal system. (points out the windshield) You can take the I-70, it'll be quicker. BOOTH: Don't back seat drive, okay? BRENNAN: (smiling) Oh, I think I know who's agitated. BOOTH: (scoffs) Someone is annoying me, okay? That's different. BRENNAN: Your ex. BOOTH: Huh? BRENNAN: (in a teasing tone) That's who's annoying you because she had a new man in her life BOOTH (clearly not amused): That's funny, you know? Okay, I am concerned about my son. I wanna know what kind of guy this new boyfriend is. And you know what? If she's not gonna tell me, I'll find out on my own. BRENNAN: You're going to run a background check on him? BOOTH: You have kids and we'll talk. BRENNAN (sarcastically): That's a lot to ask for a little conversation. (Booth scoffs dryly at her as Brennan indicates outside again) if you make a right we can cut through Grafton. BOOTH: Fine. (CUT TO: Divers removing a plastic wrapped body from a body of water. FBI agents secure the crime scene, erecting tape and running around generally. A Police Officer is talking to press gathered behind the yellow tape) POLICE OFFICER: We have no information right now. (His voice fades away, indistinct as we see Zack and Cam unloading equipment from the Jeffersonian truck. They kneel down beside the body, now resting on the grassy bank, and begin to unwrap the plastic. Booth's SUV pulls up.) BRENNAN: (as she climbs out of the car) She beat us here, she was in a truck. BOOTH: Well, you know, you're the one who wanted to go through Grafton. BRENNAN: Well, you could have used the siren. You know, why do you have one if you're not going to use it? BOOTH: (groans) What's that smell? (They approach where Cam and Zack are working with the body) CAM: Zack, I need some sterile tubes before she's fertilizer. (Booth stares at the body for a moment before exhaling) BOOTH: Okay, that's the smell. (Brennan kneels down beside the body, quickly examining) BRENNAN: Caucasian, female, 25-30. (she examines something on the body) And barnacle and small muscle incrustation indicates she's been in the water for about a year. CAM: Mmm-mm, they have. (She peels back the plastic sheeting around the body to reveal the skeletal remains of a very small baby) BOOTH: (looks horrified) God. BRENNAN: (now examining the infant) Size of the fetal bones indicates this fetus was viable. BOOTH: How could someone do this to their own kid? (He and Brennan exchange a look as Zack begins to speak) ZACK: Multiple fractures. They could be from an assault or from being battered by rocks and debris while in the water. (he examines the skeletal remains, indicating the chest area) Stab wounds evident on ribs, manubrium and clavicle. BRENNAN: And ulna, radius. One to the sphenoids. (CUT TO: The sound of a woman screaming, played over a knife stabbing up and down, blood spattering everywhere. CUT BACK: to Brennan) BRENNAN: This was a very violent attack. BOOTH: Find the murder weapon? CAM: Not yet, scoop guys just got here. (She indicates the diving team, now working out in the water on a life-raft. BRENNAN: Then tell them to look for a left leg and missing fetal bones. CAM: (sighs) Looks like we finally get to put Richardson away. I love being a hero. BRENNAN: A heroine. CAM: Mmm, sounds too druggy. I'm going with hero. (She moves to scrape something off of the bones) BRENNAN: (Stops Cam) Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? CAM: Scraping the adipocere from the hand. BRENNAN: (clearly agitated) No, you could compromise the bones. You should use suction back at the lab. If you want a conviction. (she tosses up her hand) Of course it's your call. BOOTH: Are we gonna have another murder here or what? CAM: No, no. I have the utmost respect for the doc. (She begins to stand up) Glad she works for me. (As Cam stands up, Brennan gives Booth an incredulous look. Booth ignores her look and keeps talking) BOOTH: Good. And, you know, the clothes, they match the ones she was last seen wearing. The rope could be a match to the type found in Richardson's house. (he indicates the group around the bones) While you two do your thing, I'm gonna go bring the son of a bitch in. (He walks off) (CUT TO: A front door being smashed in by police. Booth and several uniformed police enter the house, guns drawn. A TV plays in the background) WOMAN ON TV NEWS: ...the body of a mother and child thought to have - (Booth leads the police through to the kitchen where a very blonde woman is standing, obviously scared. She has a cut lip and is holding a towel to her face) BOOTH: Where's Richardson? KAREN: Uh, I don't know. He saw this (she indicates the news on TV) and then he took off. (her voice wavers) I tried to stop him but then he hit me. (Booth lowers his weapon as she begins to cry) He said he's never coming back. WOMAN ON TV NEWS: Sources indicate both the mother and her fetus were stabbed to death. Kyle Richardson remains the chief suspect. END OF TEASER CREDITS ACT ONE: (Open on Jeffersonian Lab - Autopsy Room. Booth enters, carrying a white evidence box sealed with red tape.) BOOTH: Cam, this is the evidence taken from Kyle Richardson's house a year ago. (he places the box on a bench before her and opens it). So, we got rope, the plastic sheeting, knife set - one knife missing, Richardson's DNA results. CAM: File says witnesses placed Richardson at the marina on the bay this night that she disappeared. Looks like he's not walking this time, Seeley. (Booth walks over to where Brennan, Hodgins and Angela are examining the body) HODGINS: Ironic since he's running now. ANGELA: Hodgins, you know Booth is bigger than you, right? HODGINS: (confused) Right. (Looks up at Booth's tight expression) Wasn't your fault, dude. CAM: Let's focus people, this should be a slam dunk. We screw this one up, I'm gonna look like a fool and someone's gonna have to pay for that. BRENNAN: (Looks up from the body) We just started collecting evidence. CAM: There are boxes of evidence. The remains are the icing on the cake. (Booth watches this interaction with slight amusement, aware of Brennan's annoyance with Cam) CAM: Let's just hand the prosecutor what she needs to I can have a nice weekend knockin' back shots and playing poker. BRENNAN: (scoffs) Yeah, that should motivate us. CAM: (puts on gloves) I'm gonna strip the flesh and adipocere. Remove anything from under the fingernails. ZACK: There was a dead fish in the plastic. (Offers it to Hodgins on a tray) HODGINS: Ooh! And it's not even my birthday! BOOTH: (To Cam) You saved the fish? CAM: (smiling) Yeah. BRENNAN: The stomach contents and particulates could give us drift patterns, show where she was left before she washed ashore. CAM: (Hands deep in the body now) Now much left of the organs. Looks like I can still find a few surprises from what's left of this lung. (poking through organs) Looks like some liver here. HODGINS: I'll take any tissue that's stuck to the plastic. There'll be sediment and organic particulates. CAM: (To Angela) What do you want? ANGELA: George Clooney naked on a white sandy beach. But, I can give you faces after the skulls are reconstructed. BRENNAN: Zack will start on them right away. After you've stripped any tissue I'd like to reassemble the victim and the fetus. CAM: (nodding) Sounds like fun, let's do it. (Cam and Brennan begin removing organs and generally examining the body while Booth watches somberly.) (We see that he is looking at the tiny skeleton of the fetus reconstructed on a small white exam table. Brennan walks up.) BRENNAN: It was male. BOOTH: 'He'. Not 'it', Bones. I'm gonna go talk to his girlfriend. No mistakes on this one. (He tosses aside the file he was holding and walks out quickly) CAM: He always was a little touchy. BRENNAN: Yeah. (Fade into FBI - Interrogation room. Booth is interviewing Kyle Richardson's girlfriend, Karen. Her lawyer, Michael Jules is present) KAREN: I - I didn't know Kyle then. We started going out after his wife went missing. BOOTH: Did he ever mention the night she disappeared? KAREN: Of course. I mean, it was terrible for him. I just tried to support him and help him get past it. BOOTH: (looking through photographs) It looks like he has a lot of people to help him. (Places photos down on the table that show Kyle Richardson with various women, eating out and kissing) I mean, he looked really, really broken up. KAREN: I know he dated other women. But he is not who you think he is. BOOTH: (sarcasm evident in his voice) Nah, of course not. (Booth places down photographs of the body from the crime scene on the table before Karen. She gasps and covers her mouth, looking horrified) KAREN: Oh, my god. MICHAEL JULES: Agent Booth, is that necessary? BOOTH: Just trying to help her remember. KAREN: He would never do this. He could never do this! He hit you when he was leaving, didn't he? KAREN: (stammers) This is because I wanted to go with him. A-And he knew everyone would be after him. He was just trying to protect me. BOOTH: Yeah, he's a real prince. (Karen looks at booth for a moment, clearly not impressed by his sarcasm.) BOOTH: If he contacts you, call. Otherwise you're looking at obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting and I'm sure we could find a few other charges to make it worth the money you're paying your lawyer. (CUT TO: Jeffersonian Lab - Bone room. The bones, now clean, are arranged on a lighted exam table. Brennan is looking at them with a magnifier, Angela watching and taking notes.) BRENNAN: There's another gash on the second rib, right side. Approximately 45 degrees, left to right. (She demonstrates with a blade) ANGELA: Why didn't he just divorce her? BRENNAN: Why did they have to get married in the first place? It's an antiquated ritual. Carlie Richardson believed in it, trusted her husband and look what happened. ANGELA: (amused) So this is marriage's fault? BRENNAN: Committing yourself to one person isn't in the interest of the species. I mean, you have multiple partners. ANGELA: Don't say it like that. I date. BRENNAN: The notion of a committed relationship, it's fantasy. Look at Booth. Fighting with his ex, his son caught in the middle. ANGELA: We make our lives out of chaos and hope and love. Someday you'll meet somebody. BRENNAN: I don't need anything more than I have now. ANGELA: (nods and raises her eyebrows a little) Talk about a fantasy. (Zack enters, carrying a tray) ZACK: The sculls are in multiple pieces, but the damage is from debris in the water. BRENNAN: Then let's start on the stab wounds. I'd like to confirm the type of knife used in each of these. ZACK: These all appear to be from the knife that was missing from the set taken from Richardson's. BRENNAN: Appear? No conclusions without corroboration. ZACK: But Dr Saroyan seems certain that Richardson- BRENNAN: Seems? You're my grad student. You work for me. CAM: (entering the room) Remember Doc, were building a case here. Not getting our rocks off on research. BRENNAN: Rocks and sediment are Hodgins's specialty. CAM: You're serious? (There is a pause as Brennan looks at Angela, a little confused) Okay. I bought your hand back (Hands Brennan a tray which contains a skeletal hand) Found organic materials under the fingernails, should match Richardson. And I found something else I'd like you to look at. (CUT TO: Cam showing Brennan something in one of the organs which is projected up on a TV screen in the Autopsy Room.) CAM: It's here in the lung, it's a locket. (She lifts a piece of tissue to reveal the edge of a gold, heart-shaped locket) BRENNAN: It must have been around her neck and melted into the lung during putrefaction. CAM: before I remove it I wanted to see if any of your cyborgs could do anything with the photo paper. (Cam removes the locket and places it in a Petri dish) BRENNAN: There's not enough left, it's liquefied. (Cam squirts liquid over the locket, cleaning away tissue) CAM: It's probably just another picture of the lovebirds anyway. (She lifts it from the dish with forceps) Oh, what's this? (Cam places the now-clean locket under the magnifying camera. She zooms in on the image to reveal the words 'I LOVE YOU KENNY' engraved in the locket) CAM: Oh, no. BRENNAN: Who's Kenny? CAM: I don't know, I don't want to know. Just want it to be Richardson. BRENNAN: That's right because of the drinking and the poker. (CUT TO: Royal Diner. Booth is sitting at the counter, speaking into his cell phone. Brennan enters) BOOTH: (Into phone) Yeah I know there's a lot of animals at the zoo. The monkeys - the monkeys are Daddy's favorite. Did you see? They're just like people! (Booth begins to make monkey noises into the phone. BRENNAN: (Sitting down beside Booth) Actually 3 million base pairs of the genome differ in protein coding and other functional areas. BOOTH: (confused) What? BRENNAN: Genetic differences between chimps and humans. BOOTH: (whispers) I'm talking to a four-year-old, Bones. (Louder, into phone). Oh. Yeah. You're spending a lot of time with Drew, huh? Oh, that's great. Okay, you gotta go eat. Okay, go eat. Make sure - Okay, I love - (The call ends and he hangs up the phone) Yeah. BRENNAN: New boyfriend spending a lot of time with your son? BOOTH: Yeah. So you got any new information for me Bones? BRENNAN: I'm sorry. BOOTH: Ah, there's no need. BRENNAN: It must be hard not being able to see him when you want to. BOOTH: See, this is information that I already know, Bones. Why don't you - Let's just say we discuss the case, hmm? BRENNAN: (eyebrows raised) Sure. BOOTH: (Nodding, trying to be jovial) You know, I'm his father. You know, Parker knows that. I mean, that - that's what's important not some stupid trip to the zoo. BRENNAN: No, absolutely. BOTH: Right. BRENNAN: Yeah. BOOTH: Done! BRENNAN: Of course. BOOTH: Boom. (They are silent for a moment, Booth still a little unsettled. After a moment Brennan offers him the locket, sealed in a plastic evidence bag) BRENNAN: We found this in her lung. BOOTH: What? Her lung? BRENNAN: It was enveloped during decomp. BOOTH: (examining the locket) 'Kenny'? BRENNAN: Any reference to a Kenny in the case file? BOOTH: No, but whoever Kenny is liked her enough to get her a locket. Maybe Kyle wasn't the only one who was cheating. BRENNAN: Opens up a lot of possibilities. BOOTH: (pockets the evidence) Yeah. What do you say we just go talk to Carlie's friends and see if they know who Kenny is? (Booth and Brennan get up to leave the diner) (CUT TO: A children's playground, Booth and Brennan are interviewing a group of mothers, Mary, Tina and Faith. All three women have babies in their arms.) FAITH: The four of us got so close being in the same Lamaze class. Losing Carlie was like losing a sister. TINA: It was her idea to start this baby group. MARY: We all felt so connected. Feeling something growing inside, waiting to meet them. Do you have kids? BRENNAN: He does. MARY: They make you feel whole. BRENNAN: It's just a release of serotonin necessary for the survival of the species. MARY: Huh? BOTH: Never mind. Um, we found this locket on Carlie's remains. (Shows her the locket) It says, uh, 'I love you Kenny'. Did she ever mention a Kenny? MARY: (smiling) Yes. FAITH: She talked about Kenny all the time. BOOTH: He was never mentioned in the police report. TINA: Kenny was her dog. BOOTH: Her dog? FAITH: Kyle bought her the dog when things were better between them. She loved that dog. There used to be a picture of the two of them in there. BOOTH: Well, where is her dog now? FAITH: It died. Mary took care of it. MARY: I'm a vet. They brought it in a few months before Carlie disappeared. Kyle said he backed over it accidentally. Carlie always felt he did it on purpose. He was a real piece of work when he got mad. (CUT TO: Jeffersonian Lab - Autopsy Room. Cam is placing containers into a fume hood) CAM: A dead dog, excellent. BOOTH: So we're back to one suspect: Richardson. CAM: I like this. Good work. BRENNAN: Do you want children? CAM: What? BRENNAN: Children? CAM: Maybe, if I could find one that sleeps late and cleans. Does this apply to the case in any way? BRENNAN: No, just curious. (Turns to Booth) Most people think it's odd when a woman doesn't want children. (Turns back to Cam) But, obviously, you don't. CAM: (nodding, not sure where this conversation is going) Are you pregnant? BRENNAN: No. I'm not, no. BOOTH: Why are you looking at me? CAM: Well, as long as you aren't leaving the lab every two minutes to pee. BRENNAN: No intention of it CAM: So all of this back-and-forth was for nothing? Good to know. Now unless the liver has a written confession in it by a pet parakeet we should have enough to build a solid forensic case against Richardson for the prosecutor. HODGINS: (Entering the room) I found something that might put a new wrinkle in things. BOOTH: Great. (Booth and Brennan leave with Hodgins, Cam leans forward on the Autopsy table, clearly frustrated.) CAM: Oh, god. (CUT TO: Hodgins showing the others the dead fish, magnified on a screen on the lab platform) HODGINS: The fish was a Pomatomus saltatrix, a blue fish common to Delaware Bay. And there were dinoflagellates consistent with the salt water in the bay. (Hodgins moves to one of the computer terminals to being something up on screen) CAM: Dozing off, Hodgepodge. HODGINS: But I also found Didinium, a ciliate. And Oomycota, a mold. Both of which are found in freshwater. BRENNAN: So the body was in fresh and salt water. HODGINS: Exactly. Fresh water first for at least six months. BOOTH: Okay, we have witnesses that put Richardson at the marina that night. There is no freshwater in that area. BRENNAN: So, maybe Richardson didn't do it. (Cam sighs, looking very frustrated. Booth walks off, also seeming frustrated. Hodgins and Brennan exchange looks as the other two walk away.) END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO: (Open in the Jeffersonian Lab, Cam, Hodgins and Brennan are walking down the stairs into the lab.) CAM: What the hell's going on here? Richardson is the only logical suspect. Are we working for the defense now? BRENNAN: I'm working for the victims and we have to be open to the evidence as it presents itself. CAM: The knife, the rope, the plastic sheeting are all from Richardson's house, that's been confirmed. We're trying to build a case here, people. BRENNAN: Don't ignore facts just because it might change the outcome of the case. CAM: Not asking you to. I just want you to fill in the blanks. There must be freshwater close enough for Richardson to have dumped the body. HODGINS: It has to have the same sediment, larvae, archea, helminths. CAM: Great. Whatever the "hell-minths" those are, find them. BRENNAN: And if we find a body of water that matches, it has to be dredged for additional body parts. We're still missing the left patella, tibia and calcaneus. And the fetus- CAM: Okay, fine. Just stop talking and do it. (Cam walks off leaving Brennan and Hodgins on the lab floor) (CUT TO: The shores of a lake, Booth is overseeing a search operation) BOOTH: Hey, so, is this the only freshwater near the bay? (We pan back t reveal Hodgins standing knee deep in the water, safari helmet on, taking samples in small tubes.) HODGINS: The only body of water that might have algae and sediment that could match what we found on the remains. (He lifts up a full tube, examining it with a magnifying glass) Whoo! Seems to be a lot of Gamophyta. BOOTH: Is that good? HODGINS I won't know until I compare it to the samples in the lab. BOOTH: Then why'd you act so excited? HODGINS: I guess I just like Gamophyta. BOOTH: You know, you really don't have to act any geekier. The whole outfit does it for you. HODGINS: Geek chic, dude. Agent Blondie over there thinks I'm hot. (calls to pretty female agent standing on the shore) How you doin'? (Booth tries not to laugh). (Behind Hodgins in the water, Brennan surfaces in full scuba gear, obviously having been searching the lake for more bones.) BOOTH: Anything? BRENNAN: Another Top-Flite! (She tosses the golf ball to Booth who catches it neatly. Brennan dives back under the water.) HODGINS: You know, I went out with a woman who had a little kid once. BOOTH: Aren't you supposed to be looking for slime? HODGINS: (Ignoring his attempt at change of topic) The kid hated me. You know, he said I used too many big words. BOOTH: (miming putting with the golf ball Brennan threw at him) Well, he got that right. HODGINS: He hit me I the head with a Tonka truck. Ah, I could never sleep with his mom again. BOOTH: Well, you know, at least the story ends well. HODGINS: I was good to him though, you know. I did not deserve an 18-wheeler into the parietal bone. (Examines another sample of water) Oooh! Nematodes and planaria. BOOTH: Does that mean anything? HODGINS: Not sure. (Booth sighs and tosses his hands in frustration just as Brennan surfaces again) BOOTH: Anything? BRENNAN: (holding up a container of water with something in it) Bones, could be from the fetus. Hamate, triquetral, portions of the phalanges. And another Top-Flite. (tosses the golf ball at Booth who catches it neatly, again) (CUT TO: Jeffersonian Lab - Bone Room. Carlie's skeleton is once again laid out on the lighted exam table, as it the fetus. Zack and Brennan enter the room) ZACK: According to the reconstruction with these new bones the fetus has seven fingers (he shows her on the remains) BRENNAN: And two right hands. ZACK: I don't understand, was there another victim? BRENNAN: Double the magnification. (Zack does this and the hand gets bigger on the computer screen) Okay, look at the structure of the phalanges. ZACK: (realizing) Ah. The bones from the lake are from a raccoon. BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. The formation of the hands is almost identical to an infant's hand. (Hodgins enters the room) HODGINS: How did you do? BRENNAN: I found a raccoon. You? HODGINS: Sediment and organic material from the lake doesn't match what was taken from the remains. I have to look for another body of freshwater, I don't think it's around here. (Cam enters the room) CAM: What have you got? BRENNAN: (shaking her head) Nothing. HODGINS: The next body of freshwater that might match is over 60 miles away. BRENNAN: Richardson couldn't have been there, it wouldn't match the timeline. CAM: (sighing) I've got the board of the Jeffersonian, the federal prosecutor and Nancy Grace ready to devour me if I don't hand them enough to indict Richardson. BRENNAN: Well, if you want us to manufacture evidence- CAM: No, I want us to find out who killed Carlie and I'm pissed 'cause whoever did it is messing with me and I don't like that. I like doing the messing. BRENNAN: Then we have to determine whether we're wasting our time on Richardson. CAM: Tell me what you need. (CUT TO: FBI Building - Conference Room. Agent Sanders is briefing Booth on the search for Richardson) SANDERS: His plates were founding a ditch on Route 432, his car in a vacant lot in Huntsville. He could be using another car or he could be hiding out. BOOTH: Anybody ID him? SANDERS: We've got ID's coming in from all over the place. This is where the concerned citizens all come out for the reward (Door to the room opens and Carlie Richardson's parents - Dennis and Patricia Campbell - enter) DENNIS: Excuse me, Agent Booth. BOOTH: (To Sanders) Let me know if you find something else. SANDERS: Sure. (Sanders exists, Booth stands to great the couple hovering near the doorway) DENNIS: I'm Dennis Campbell. This is my wife Patricia. We're Carlie's parents. BOOTH: Yes, I know. Please, sit down. (He gestures to the conference table and all three sit.) I'm so sorry for your loss. PATRICIA: Well, at least now our daughter can rest with her baby and Kyle can never touch them again. DENNIS: The reason we're here- PATRICIA: We were going through some photos for the funeral and we came across this one. (Patricia shows Booth a picture of Carlie and Kyle Richardson sitting at a dinner table in a restaurant, various people in the background) DENNIS: Kyle used to go out of town on business. His firm had an office in Boston. Carlie went with him once. PATRICIA: This is them with some people in Boston. That woman on the news, Karen Tyler, she said she met Kyle after Carlie disappeared. But - but here she is, looking at him. (Indicates a woman in the background of the photo who we can now clearly see is Karen Tyler, looking at Kyle) DENNIS: he admitted to being involved with those other girls. Why did he lie about knowing her? BOOTH: May I keep this photo? PATRICIA: Of course. DENNIS: (very upset) We need them to answer for this. She was our little girl. She wasn't supposed to go before us. That's not the way its supposed to be. BOOTH: (quietly) I know. We'll find Kyle, I promise. (Fade out and into FBI Building - corridor. Booth comes around a corner, talking on his cell phone) BOOTH: You want me to what? (Cut to Jeffersonian - Lab. Brennan is on the phone with Booth. The scene cuts between the two of them) BRENNAN: Stab the body for me. We need to match force with the injuries recorded on the remains. BOOTH: Okay, I'm stabbing the body. BRENNAN: Well, it's a replica. We're all going to do it, you're just the closest to Kyle Richardson. BOOTH: Okay, you know what, that's great. I'll be there in 20. But in the future you're just going to have to ask me differently, Bones. Because you know what? Come over to your place to stab a body - that is just freaky. (A blonde woman chases Booth down, calling out) REBECCA: Seeley, you son of a bitch. (Booth turns, surprised and hangs up his cell phone) BOOTH: Oh, I - Rebecca. Wow. You look great. REBECCA: Yeah, okay, save it 'cause I need a lot more than compliments from you right now. (As they talk, Booth is walking backwards towards his office, Rebecca stalking him down. He makes shushing motions with his hands as they cross through a crowded area) BOOTH: Okay, just, keep it down a little bit. 'Cause I'm at work, all right? (They enter Booth's office) REBECCA: You sent agents to investigate Drew? Because you're going to stop that now. BOOTH: Okay listen, I'm just being cautious. What do you really know about this guy, anyway? (Rebecca continues to advance on him, forcing him to walk backwards around the back of his desk) REBECCA: (clearly annoyed) I know - I-I-I know that he has a good job. And I know that he fixes stuff around the house when he says he's going to And I know that Parker is crazy about him and he's not terrified every time he goes off to work that he's going to get shot. And I know that I love him. (Booth turns, finally facing her) I love him. And now everyone at work thinks he's a criminal. BOOTH: Well, he's been spotted with explosives. REBECCA: He is a construction foreman, he does demolition. You must have figured that out when you were doing all ok your snooping. BOOTH: Okay, well I have a right to know who's around my son, all right?. He spends more time with Parker than I do. REBECCA: Okay, you think that I would put Parker in danger? BOOTH: Let me ask you a question. Why is it that you keep all the men in your life such a secret? REBECCA: Because you always interrogate them or intimidate them, and it freaks them out! BOOTH: Well, I mean, c'mon. A lot are a little strange. I mean, the guy with the tattoos on his neck? REBECCA: I don't even have to let you see Parker, okay? Not-not-not legally. That-that's one of the upsides of not being married. BOOTH: (forcefully) Don't. (Rebecca feigns shock) I'm a good father. You know that. (There is a moments pause) REBECCA: You're got to stop trying to run things. I've got things in my life that have nothing to do with you. (She makes to leave but Booth grabs her arm) BOTH: Look, we are always gonna have something to do with each other because we share a son. REBECCA: Drew's a good man. And you need to back off or you're not gonna see Parker again, I swear. Back off. (She turns and leaves, Booth looking worriedly behind her) [SCENE_BREAK] (CUT TO: Jeffersonian - Lab Platform. The squints are all gathered around as Booth enters) CAM: Here comes Kyle. BOOTH: Ha, ha. Funny. Don't we have something to stab? ANGELA: This. I hate my job. ZACK: From the depth of the stab wounds we can tell the approximate force required in Newton meters to inflict the marks we see on the bones. BRENNAN: (she indicates a mannequin dressed in women's clothes) So we have to measure the amount of force generated when we stab to give us the size, weight and body type of the assailant. BOOTH: Mm-hmm, you had to dress her up? (he indicates the mannequin) ZACK: The clothes she wore figure in the resistance to the blows. (Hodgins comes over and hands Brennan a knife) BRENNAN: The knife is consistent with the one that caused the wounds. We fitted it with an instrumented blade that with give us a digital readout of the Newton meters of each stab. ZACK: It's a dual-mass drop system. CAM: All I hear is blah, blah, blah. HODGINS: Cliff Notes version: we all stab, one of us is the killer. BOOTH: Thank you. ANGELA: Sort of like a real creepy party game. BRENNAN: (Standing before the mannequin with the rigged knife in her hand) The violence of the attack shows rage. So everyone should stab as hard as they can. (She looks around at Angel and Booth who both have pained expressions on their faces. Booth indicates for her to start.) (CUT TO: Montage of them all stabbing the mannequin. First Brennan, then Hodgins - both forceful. Then Cam, grunting as she stabs) CAM: This better work! (Cut to: Zack placing a single, very tentative stab into the mannequin, causing Brennan to smile and exchange glances with Hodgins and Cam. Booth steps up and stabs the mannequin several times, an annoyed expression on his face. Once done, he tosses the knife to the side. BOOTH: That was weird. (Cut to: Angela, stabbing quickly at the mannequin, unable to even watch what she is doing as she shudders in distress. Hodgins steps forward to take the knife from her hand) HODGINS: Okay, okay. (he chuckles a little to himself) BOOTH: Results? ZACK: The force used to make the injuries on the bones was 24 Newton meters. (he turns to the computer, typing) And the winner is, with 24 Newton meters - (Booth makes a 'hurry up' gesture with his hands) - Angela. ANGELA: What? HODGINS: Congratulations. ANGELA: (turns to Brennan) Really? BRENNAN: Height and weight? ANGELA: Oh, god. Uh-uh-(sighs). 5'8". One hundred and (mutters a little) hundred... BRENNAN: What? ANGELA: 135. It's all muscle. (Hodgins smirks) BRENNAN: (looking over the file) Karen Tyler is 5'7" and 132 pounds. (CUT TO: Karen Tyler stabbing down, blood going everywhere, screaming in the background) (Cut back to Jeffersonian - Lab) BOOTH: So Kyle's girlfriend kills Carlie, so they can be together. ANGELA: Well then why did Kyle run? CAM: Maybe he didn't. It sounds nuts but if she's the killer maybe Karen got rid of him too to keep him from talking. (The look at each other, unsure.) END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE: (Open on Jeffersonian - Bone Room. Brennan and Hodgins are examining the bones once again under magnification, Booth is in the room) BOOTH: Okay, so you're sure there' no way Richardson could have made these wounds? BRENNAN: With his strength the blows would have sliced deeper into the bone. HODGINS: (Examining a part of the body) Well, these seem to go right through. BRENNAN: Well, those were delivered after she was on the ground) (CUT TO: shot of Karen stabbing again, blood flying) (Cut back to Jeffersonian - Bone Room) BOOTH: So Karen does the killing because they know everyone will be suspecting Kyle. BRENNAN: I'd prefer not to make any more assumptions. BOOTH: (more a scoff than a word) Oh. HODGINS: (had a rib in one hand) There are particles in the knife marks. (he brings the bone over to a microscope) When she was on the ground the knife passed through the body and picked up sediments from the dirt. The next stab embedded that into the bone. If I can get enough information from these particulates I might be able to locate the site of the murder. (Cam enters the room) CAM: DNA results came back. It was Kyle under her nails. BOOTH: So he was there too. BRENNAN: Maybe. But we know he had a fight with her earlier that he admits. CAM: Fortunately there was also the skin of somebody else. Tests showed it was a woman. BOOTH: (smiling) Karen Tyler. CAM: (nodding) We should get her DNA drawn as soon as possible. BOOTH: Smart. Lets go, Bones. (Cut to FBI - Interrogation Room. Karen Tyler is being questioned again. Her lawyer, Michael Jules, is present.) KAREN: I-I didn't do it, I swear. I would never hurt her. BOOTH: Hmm. And the other day you said you and Kyle didn't know each other until after Carlie disappeared. KAREN: Because we both knew what everyone would think. MICHAEL JULES: Karen, please don't say anything. BOOTH: Hmm, even your lawyer thinks you did it. KAREN: Kyle thought we should separate and meet up in a few months so, you know, it wouldn't look so bad. BOOTH: Well that didn't work out now, did it? (Brennan approaches with a DNA swab) BRENNAN: Open your mouth. (Karen looks at her lawyer, worried) KAREN: Do I really have to do this? MICHAEL JULES: They have a warrant. (Brennan reaches over and swabs the inside of Karen's cheek) BRENNAN: When you were sleeping with Kyle, didn't it matter to you that you were destroying a family? KAREN: We were in love. BRENNAN: (sarcastically) Oh. Love. Sorry. Now it's a beautiful story. (She reaches for another swab) Open again. (Brennan roughly swabs the inside of Karen's cheek, causing her to wince) KAREN: ouch. BRENNAN: (not sorry at all) Oops. KAREN: Kyle was going to tell her. We were going to be honest. BOOTH: Mmm, 'cause, you know, you do that so well. KAREN: I would never hurt her. And neither would Kyle. BRENNAN: Kyle, right. The love of your life who no one has seen for two days. (Walks over to Booth and leans in) Can you see why I'm leery of relationships? (Brennan leaves the room) (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Lab. Hodgins is explaining some results to Booth and Brennan.) HODGINS: We hit pay dirt. Actually, we hit silt containing the feces of the gypsy moth, some quartz and mica. That and the zinc levels in the dinoflagellates from the freshwater as well as the Pinaceae pollen led us to a patch of pitch pines outside of Gloucester City, New Jersey. (He indicates on one of the computer screens where a map is being displayed.) ANGELA: She was killed right here. (Indicates yellow dot on map) BRENNAN: Then when did they move her to the bay? ANGELA: They didn't. They left her in New Jersey in the Rancocas Creek. She made it to the bay on her own. BOOTH: What, did she take the shuttle? ANGELA: Basically. Two days after Carlie disappeared there were thunderstorms in central New Jersey. Heavy, heavy rains. The body must have been flushed down the Rancocas and into the Delaware River. (The map on screen shows this progression as Angela traces the yellow dot down fiver with her finger) Then, she slowly made her way down the Delaware and into the bay. BRENNAN: The movement and the battering on the rocks loosened her weight so she floated to the surface and washed ashore. BOOTH: (smirking) I'm pretty sure Karen didn't see that comin'. (Cut to: New Jersey - Rancocas Creek banks. FBI and Jeffersonian techs are combing the shoreline and searching the water for evidence. Various shots of people taking water and plant life samples are seen. Then cut to Hodgins sitting at a makeshift lab, looking into a microscope.) BOOTH: Now, are you sure this is it? HODGINS: Zinc, mica, feces. This is the place. (he looks around) Oh, it's beautiful. BOOTH: Yeah, because, you know that's important for a murder. (Brennan finishes piecing together a large sifter and hands it to a Jeffersonian tech.) BRENNAN: Okay, the bodies were wrapped on the bank of the river. Sift the soil for the missing bones. JEFFERSONIAN TECH: Yes ma'am. FBI AGENT: (Calling out) Agent Booth. Over here. (Booth, Hodgins and Brennan move over to where the FBI agent is kneeling next to something almost buried in the dirt. It appears to be a suitcase, with initials on the front) BOOTH: Look at that - "C.R" - Carlie Richardson's initials. (He opens the lid of the case) Ugh. (Brennan and Booth start to remove items from the case, studying them.) BRENNAN: You don't pack face cream and a night gown if you're being abducted. HODGINS: A lot of vacation cabins nearby. If she was upset, this would be a good place to unwind. BOOTH: Well, Karen Tyler said that she liked Carlie. She could have befriended her to lure her up here. Maybe, Carlie's friends knew that she and Karen were getting chummy. (Cut to a playground. Booth and Brennan are showing Carlie's friends a photo of Karen Tyler.) BRENNAN: Did Carlie know her? MARY: I thought they just started going out. BOOTH: No. They knew each other from before. TINA: b*st*rd. MARY: (realizing) Carlie knew Kyle was cheating on her, that's why they were fighting. FAITH: And why she didn't want the baby. BOOTH: Did she say that? FAITH: I don't care what's happening. To say you don't want your child when you're getting ready to give birth? It's not right. MARY: (looks at the photo of Karen again) I think I did see this woman. I was driving home from work, they were in front of a Starbucks. I'm not sure if it was the day she disappeared but I'm pretty sure it was around the same time. (Booth and Brennan exchange a look. Booth reaches out to take the picture back) BOOTH: Thanks. (A child starts to cry causing Brennan to look down to see Mary's son sitting in the sandbox, wailing) BRENNAN: Your kid's eating sand. (She walks off after Booth as Mary hurries to pick her baby up.) (Cut to: Booth's car, he and Brennan are driving back to the Jeffersonian) BRENNAN: I don't know how they can do it. BOOTH: They're self-obsessed, they have no conscience. BRENNAN: I don't know. BOOTH: They destroy anything that gets in their way. They're not even human. BRENNAN: (highly confused) The mothers? BOOTH: (also confused) Huh? BRENNAN: I was talking about the mothers. BOOTH: I'm talking about the killers. BRENNAN: I understand killers. I just don't know how mothers can do it. I mean, dogs can be trained in a couple of weeks. With kids, mothers have to give up their lives for years. BOOTH: No, when you're looking at your kid, you don't feel like you're giving up anything. BRENNAN: So you would do it again? BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: You'd have Parker even with everything you're going through? BOOTH: What kind of question is that? BRENNAN: Wouldn't it be easier if Parker wasn't caught in the middle of this drama f yours with Rebecca and the new boyfriend? BOOTH: God, no. No, Bones. He's my son. Whatever we're going through, it's not about that. He knows that. BRENNAN: That's what parents say when they want to justify themselves. BOOTH: You know, I haven't walked out on Parker, all right? I would never have done what your parents did. BRENNAN: Well, I didn't say you would. I just - I don't know. (sighs in frustration) You're the father. I don't know anything about raising kids, so- BOOTH: Parker's fine. (Brennan glances at her partner for a moment) (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Autopsy Room. Cam is showing Booth and Brennan the DNA results on a computer display) CAM: It's not Karen Tyler. BOOTH: What? CAM: The DNA from under Carlie's fingernails doesn't match. And something else is weird. (she leads them over to another area of the room) Tissue from the fetus shows evidence of escitalopram. BOOTH: What's that? CAM: It's a drug prescribed for depression. BRENNAN: (reading the file) It's not weird, Carlie Richardson was having emotional problems with her husband. CAM: Carlie Richardson wasn't taking the drug. BOOTH: Hold on, none of this is making any sense. CAM: I agree. The only way the fetus could have the drug in its system is if it were passed from the mother in utero. BRENNAN: Or through breast milk. BOOTH: How do you breast-feed an unborn child? (Brennan rushes out of the room, calling) BRENNAN: Zack! BOOTH: Woah. (hurries after her) (Cut to Brennan and Zack on the lab platform, the fetal bones on the table before them.) BRENNAN: An infant's skull is made up of several separate bones that are eventually fused together. (She lifts up the infant skull, displayed on a tray, for Zack to see) Look at the molding. ZACK: Oh, my god. CAM: I don't believe it. BRENNAN: Yeah. BOOTH: Okay, now everybody knows but me. BRENNAN: This is not a fetus. The skull bones have shifted and overlapped because this child passed through the birth canal. (she indicates on the skull) This baby was born alive and lived about two weeks. BOOTH: But Carlie was pregnant when she was last seen. BRENNAN: This isn't Carlie Richardson's child. The escitalopram in its system came from breast milk. CAM: Then what happened to her baby? (CUT TO: quick shot of a baby being removed from a body, a infant screaming over the image) (Cut back to the lab) BRENNAN: The baby was cut out of her and stolen. This child replaced it. END OF ACT THREE ACT FOUR: (Open in Jeffersonian - Bone Room. Zack and Brennan are looking at the infant's skull, magnified on the screen.) BRENNAN: This child was dead before Carlie was murdered. You can see the traces of blood pooling in the cranium. ZACK: Abusive head trauma. CAM: Evidence of shaken baby syndrome. BOOTH: Oh, god. ANGELA: You said the little guy was only two weeks old. CAM: Whoever the mother was she was probably taking the medication for postpartum depression. She got upset with the baby. Crying's the most common cause. And she shook him to quiet him down. BRENNAN: It can take as little as five seconds for an infant to die by shaking. BOOTH: Five seconds? BRENNAN: The veins that attach the brain to the inside of the skull detach. Blood pools, the brain swells. BOOTH: Okay, I get it. Right so what you're saying is that the mother kills her own son and replaces him with Carlie's. CAM: Fits the pattern. She feels the guilt at what she's done and needs to make it right, prove to herself that she's still a good mother. So she takes Carlie's child and makes it her won. It's only been two weeks, not many people have seen her kid. Who would know? BOOTH: But the stab wounds? BRENNAN: All of Carlie's stab wounds are to the upper part of the body. The killer was careful not to hit lose to the uterus because she wanted the baby alive. CAM: Your report indicates there were knife marks on the lower ribs. BRENNAN: They seem to be made by whatever instrument was used to remove the child after Carlie was dead. ZACK: Yep. I'm working on identifying it. (Brennan examines the infant's skull again) BRENNAN: We might be able to use the infants most prominent genetic characteristics to see similarities with the mother. Ange, can you input the information from the infant's skull to give us a face? ANGELA: (nods but looks unsettled) Sure. (Booth's cell phone rings and he answers it) BOOTH: Booth. Yeah. Right away. (He hangs up and speaks to the others in the room) They found Kyle Richardson. (Booth and Brennan exit) (Cut to: Booth and Brennan in Booth's car) BOOTH: I wonder if he'll even care, you know. Finding out tat his wife is dead. BRENNAN: He didn't kill her. BOOTH: No, but he ran. How do you just cut your family out of your life like that? BRENNAN: Well, what about Abraham? BOOTH: What, you're going to throw religion in my face right now? BRENNAN: I thought you found answers in what you believe. BOOTH: Well, I mean, that's just one Bible story that I just don't like. I mean, God commands Abraham to kill his own son, and he does. BRENNAN: No. Abraham does not kill Isaac. BOOTH: But old Abe, you know, he had the intention. BRENNAN: Well, I thought what he had was faith. BOOTH: Look, I have faith. But if God himself came down, pointed at Parker and said, "I want you to, you know" - that ain't gonna happen. BRENNAN: But God's messenger stopped Abraham? BOOTH: Yeah. Grabbed his hand at the last second right before the knife was about to go in. BRENNAN: Okay, then the lesson I would learn from the myth- BOOTH: Myth? BRENNAN: Well, it fits the definition. BOOTH: Okay, fine. BRENNAN: That when it comes to your children your love has to be absolute. The messenger represents goodness, what you know to be right. Ergo, you have to remain open to what you know is true. (Booth chuckles softly, smiling at Brennan) BOOTH: Are you sure you're not religious? BRENNAN: (nods) Science all the way. BOOTH: Science all the way. BRENNAN: Hey, even an empiricist can have a heart, Booth. BOOTH: Too bad Richardson doesn't. (Cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room. Kyle Richardson is being questioned by Booth and Brennan) KYLE: Just lock me up. I can't go through this anymore. BOOTH: We know you didn't do it. KYLE: What? BOOTH: Evidence doesn't fit you. KYLE: Then who was it? Who killed them? BRENNAN: You ran. Seems like you'd be the one who'd know. KYLE: I would have told someone if I knew. BOOTH: Right. 'Cause, you know, you're such an honorable guy. The knife, the rope, the sheeting. It all came from your place and why didn't you tell the police it was missing? KYLE: (scoffs) What, you check out what's in your garage every day? BOOTH: If you didn't know anything why did you take off. KYLE: Because I'm a b*st*rd. I'm a selfish, pathetic b*st*rd and everyone had already decided that I was guilty. BRENNAN: That's true, Booth. BOOTH: Bones. BRENNAN: No one wanted to find another suspect. (To Kyle) I kept insisting. KYLE: Thank you. BRENNAN: But I didn't do it for you. You are a pathetic b*st*rd. Your wife was having your baby. KYLE: Look. I did wanna leave her, yeah. I was out that night trying to figure out how to tell her. What with the baby and everything. But for God's sake, I didn't want them to die. BOOTH: So you have no idea who did this? KYLE: (beginning to get emotional) I should, shouldn't I. I mean, I ignored her for so long. It's like this whole thing is my fault anyway. You know, if I had been there that night, maybe they'd still be here. BRENNAN: We think your child might still be alive. KYLE: I don't understand, the bodies you found- BOOTH: That wasn't your child. Whoever killed Carlie took your child and left theirs. KYLE: (slightly stunned) Oh, my God. Then - So where's my kid? BOOTH: We don't know. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Angelator. Booth enters as Hodgins discusses evidence with him) HODGINS: Zack was working in the other knife mark. I saw something staining the groove it left, so I did tests. The stain was from Betadine. It's an antiseptic used to prep patients for surgery. BOOTH: Oh, someone was being really careful when they were cutting her up. (Cam enters the room and stands to one side of the Angelator where Angela and Brennan are already gathered) CAM: It was the baby they were concerned with. BRENNAN: (to Angela) Were you able to get enough detail from the skull for a digital reconstruction? ANGELA: Yeah. Since someone this young is still being formed the, uh, features are generalized. (Angela brings up an image of the infants skull on the Angelator.) CAM: (slightly awed) The last place I worked had a drunk sketch artist. Wow. (Flesh starts to form over the image of the skull, eventually forming a chubby faced baby) HODGINS: It's a baby. It looks like every baby. ANGELA: That's why I ran the reconstruction though an aging matrix. It posits the most likely growth pattern the skull would follow. Now as it ages, the features become more distinct. (She changes the image on the machine and it begins to age) By the time he's about 10, he shows very definite genetic characteristics. (The image on the Angelator becomes the face of a 10-year-old boy. Brennan studies the image closely, suddenly realizing who he looks like. Booth too looks startled.) (Fade out on the face on the Angelator and up into the face of Mary, one of the mother's in the park. She calls out to her child, moving toward him) MARY: Robbie! Don't eat that, honey. (She runs up to where her baby is sitting in a red wagon and removes the offending object from his mouth and grasp, ticking the baby) There you go, there you go! (Cut to: Booth, Brennan and a Social Worker walking through the playground toward Mary and Robbie) BRENNAN: The mark on the ribs was made by a scalpel. The woman is a vet, so she has medical training, which also explains the Betadine. BOOTH: Look at her, playing with the kid. (Mary is now holding Robbie, kissing him on the head to soothe him) MARY: It's okay. Shh. BOOTH: Ms. Corbis. (Mary turns, startled) BOOTH: I'm going to have to ask you to hand us the child. MARY: What? Why? BOOTH: I think you know why. MARY: No. You want me to give you my son? No. BRENNAN: He's not your son. We know what happened. (Mary is getting a little nervous, clutching the baby closer to her.) MARY: He is, Robbie is my son. BRENNAN: We have a warrant to take a DNA sample from you, Ms. Corbis. It'll be pretty hard to argue with that. (Robbie starts to fuss and she settles him.) MARY: Shh. Shh. (She stares at Booth and Brennan for a moment before speaking) She didn't want him. She told me she wished she had never gotten pregnant. It was wrong for her to have him. BRENNAN: And killing your own child wasn't wrong? (Robbie is crying in earnest now as Mary clings tighter to him, upset and yelling) MARY: That was a mistake! I am a single mother! I'm alone. I just - just wanted him to stop crying. It was just - It was just a few seconds. (She breaks down crying, clutching at the now sobbing baby) The doctor said I was sick but I'm all better now. (She tries to comfort Robbie) I know sweetie, I know. (Booth and Brennan exchange looks before Booth begins to approach Mary carefully and slowly) BOOTH: Ms. Corbis. MARY: You can't talk him from me. I'm a good mother, you can ask anybody. I'm a good mother. (to Robbie) It's okay, it's okay. BOOTH: (hands outstretched to the baby) Give us the child. (Mary looks down at her baby then up at Booth. She hugs Robbie tight, kissing his head and sobbing a little before finally the Social Worker can reach over and take him from her.) MARY: (sobbing) I'm a good mother. (Booth grabs her hands behind her back and begins to place her in handcuffs) BOOTH: Mary Corbis, you're under arrest for the murder and kidnapping of Carlie Richardson and the murder of your son, Robert Corbis. MARY: No (nodding towards the baby) That's my Robbie, that's my Robbie! (Brennan looks at her sadly as Mary continues to cry) MARY: I'm a good mother. I'm a good mother! (Booth leads her away in handcuffs, Brennan and the social worker with Robbie following a few steps behind.) (Fade into: FBI - Booth's office. Kyle Richardson is pacing back and forth, clearly nervous as he talks to Booth and Brennan) KYLE: He's fine? BOOTH: He's perfect. KYLE: And you're sure? BRENNAN: He's yours. (Kyle stops pacing, looking excited and nervous all at the same time) KYLE: When I thought he was gone, and Carlie...I wished I could have changed how things had been. (The Social Worker enters the room carrying the baby Robbie. Kyle just stand where he is for a minute, watching. Booth and Brennan watch his actions) SOCIAL WORKER: Don't you want to hold him? KYLE: I don't know, um - The kind of guy I am - I'm no father. BOOTH: You don't get to decide that. You have a son. Step up. Take him. (Kyle steps nervously over and takes the baby from the Social Worker.) KYLE: (to baby) Hey. (He settles the baby in his arms, smelling him and hugging him close before turning to Booth) Thank you. (Brennan and Booth both watch as Kyle holds his son close, sighing a little in disbelief but obviously happy to have him) (Cut to: The Royal Diner, Booth and Brennan are sitting at a table in the window.) BRENNAN: So you think Richardson can rise to the occasion? Be a decent father? BOOTH: Well, he's got Carlie's parents to help him and - I like to think that people can change. BRENNAN: Faith and hope, right? BOOTH: (smiling) Right. BRENNAN: Angela threw in love, too. BOOTH: Love is good. (The door to the diner opens and Parker comes running in carrying something) PARKER: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! (Rebecca follows through the door, her boyfriend Drew beside her. Parker climbs into Booth's lap and places his object on the table before them) BOOTH: Parker! PARKER: Look what I did. BOOTH: Wow! Look at that! (Booth glances up to see Rebecca and Drew hovering over near the counter) BOOTH: (To Parker) Um, listen, you stay here with Dr. Brennan, okay? I'm gonna go talk to your mommy, all right? (Booth removes Parker and stands up, placing his son on the seat. He kisses his head quickly before moving over to talk to Rebecca) BOOTH: Listen, uh, this is how it's gotta go down? I gotta meet your boyfriend with Parker here? DREW: Look man, we're here because we wanna- BOOTH: I'm talking to Rebecca. REBECCA: Look this was - this was Drew's idea. And I told him that it was gonna be a bad one. PARKER: Dad, look! BOOTH: One second, bud. BRENNAN: Booth? DREW: Parker wanted you to see what he made for school. And he kept saying how much he wanted us to meet, that we'd be friends. (Booth looks at Drew, not impressed yet) Look, I got a kid I don't get to see much, myself. I know what it's like. And I swear the - the explosives were for work. (Brennan has been watching this exchange and she tries once again to get Booth's attention) BRENNAN: Booth? (Booth makes to move back to the table but Rebecca stops him) REBECCA: Okay, look, look, look, look, look. We are what we are. And-and-and you can fight it if you want but you're just gonna fight with yourself. DREW: Maybe this isn't a good time. Maybe later. (Booth looks over at the table and see Parker looking at him sadly over his diorama) BOOTH: No, no. It's - it's a good time. Let me buy you a cup of coffee, all right? (He leads them over to the table) BOOTH: Nah, it's cool, have a seat. REBECCA: Seriously? DREW: Thanks, man. (Brennan stands up to allow them all to sit but Booth stops her) BOOTH: It's okay, Bones. You can stay. BRENNAN: It's a family thing. Bye, Parker. (she waves) PARKER: Bye. (Brennan says goodbye to Rebecca as well then begins to walk out of the diner. Booth sits down with Parker on his lap once again, Drew and Rebecca sitting together opposite.) BOOTH: All right, what do we got here, huh? PARKER: A di - a diorama! BOOTH: Woah! (Brennan pauses at the door and turns to watch Booth with his son) PARKER: It's the zoo. Drew helped me. BOOTH: The zoo? I hope you thank him, huh? REBECCA: Yeah. BOOTH: You did, huh? PARKER: We got to go to the zoo. He knows all the animals. BOOTH: All the animals? Wow! (Brennan watches this exchange, smiling a little) BOOTH: Okay, well maybe afterwards we could, uh, all go out to dinner if it's okay with your mom. (Rebecca looks surprised but smiles at Booth) REBECCA: Yeah. That - that sounds good. PARKER: My dad knows a burgers place. BOOTH: Yeah. I used to take him there after his T-Ball. (Brennan smiles again and leaves the diner. As we fade out from the Royal Diner the conversation can still be heard) BOOTH: Tell Drew about the burgers. PARKER: He says they're as big as my head. BOOTH: Yeah, big as your head. We can all go, we can even bring "Stu". FADE OUT END OF EPISODE

Plan: A: unborn baby; Q: What was the woman carrying? A: the Delaware Bay; Q: Where did the body wash up? A: one year ago; Q: When did Carlie Richardson disappear? A: Richardson's husband; Q: Who is the prime suspect in the murder of Carlie Richardson? A: his ex-girlfriend Rebecca; Q: Who is Booth annoyed with? A: Parker; Q: What is the name of Booth's son? Summary: Booth and Brennan investigate the remains of a woman and unborn baby washed up on the beach of the Delaware Bay. The body is identified as that of Carlie Richardson, a pregnant newly-wed whose mysterious disappearance one year ago had been a major national news story. However, the immediate prime suspect, Richardson's husband, has also disappeared. Meanwhile, Booth is annoyed his ex-girlfriend Rebecca, the mother of his son Parker, is letting Parker spend so much time with her new boyfriend.

At Ellie's house, Ellie is rushing around trying to get ready for school and drinks something gross and spits it out Ellie: Think that's funny Bueller? You think that's funny? It's not funny. No. No it's not. See you tonight Little B. Bueller? Little B! (There's a knock at the door.) Ellie: Mr. Martin. Mr. Martin: Friday's end of month Ellie. I need a check. Ellie: I'm getting it tonight from my mom. You don't have to worry sir. Mr. Martin: Just like I didn't have to worry last month when you were late with the rent. Ellie: See I had the rent... I, I just didn't know how to get it to you. Sean always did that. Mr. Martin: Is he back yet? Ellie: Sean's not coming back sir. (The lamp starts flashing and making weird noises.) Mr. Martin: You forget to pay the electric bill too? Ellie: Sometimes my ferret. I... Mr. Martin: You got a ferret here?! Ellie: I catch him chewing on electrical cords and...Bueller! Oh Bueller. Outside the school Marco: Ferret Bueller is dead?! That's awful. Craig: That's terrible. Alex: You named your ferret Bueller? Jimmy: Alex, a heart! Try to find one! Ellie: Bueller was Sean's baby and since he's been gone, things haven't exactly been fun around the apartment. Alex: Marco, partner? The game is euchre. Spades is up. Marco: I'll come over after school. We'll have a ceremony. A ferret funeral. Ellie: I'm meeting mom for dinner. An event promising to be as much fun as a ferret funeral. Craig: And you can't postpone? Death in the family. It's a good excuse. Ellie: Dinner + Mom = rent money. Marco: I'll come over after. In a classroom Matt: I'm looking for examples of media manipulation in say... television. (Paige and Hazel both raise their hands) Hazel. Hazel: Well there's video news releases. Companies create um stories on their product which are then shown as local news programs and the people watching have no idea where they came from. In the hallway Paige: Mr. O. Is there a reason you're shy to call on me in class? Matt: Hey I give equal time to every student. Paige: In the classroom anyway. Mr. Simpson: Good class Mr. Oleander! Paige: New rule. Suggestive comments only to be delivered a bray Degrassi. Say at the Cine-Square? Tonight, back row. I've got free passes. Matt: Isn't it a school night? Paige: Yeah I like school nights. There's less chance of running into someone from school. Manny: Paige. Paige: Oh new uniforms! Finally. Manny: Yeah there's 3 boxes in the office we have to pick up. Matt: Listen, Paige. Thanks for helping me with the uh bulletin board. Paige: And Mr. Oleander uh thank you for um offering me help with that essay. Manny: (under her breath as Paige leaves) So obvious. In a restaurant, Ellie and her mom are sitting in silence Mrs. Nash: Oh. It's $500 right? Ellie: Rent's $540. Mom you could always give me a few post-dated checks. Mrs. Nash: And miss my monthly dinner with my daughter?! How are you? Living alone. Ellie: Good. Mrs. Nash: I'm proud of you, being so independent. Living all by yourself. I've been in group for three months. I'm being therapied out the wazoo. Since you left I haven't had a drink. If you want to move back I promise to keep that. (Ellie stands up to leave.) Mrs. Nash: Sit! I miss you all the time and I want to talk about this. Ellie: Yeah I told Marco I'd meet him. Mrs. Nash: I'm different. Ellie: Understand why I don't trust you on that one mom. Mrs. Nash: Ellie... Ellie: If you're proud of me being independent. Watch me go one step further. After this month I won't take any more of your money. I won't need you mom. Not anymore. At the funeral, Marco and Ellie are throwing rocks on the dirt Ellie: Here lies Bueller Nash. I'm sorry I couldn't take care of you better... or longer! I'm just really sorry you're gone. At the movie theatre Paige: I know this was my idea, but we have to go now. Matt: Thought you wanted to sit in a dark theatre. Two hours plus previews. Meeri: Paige! You don't return phone calls?! The reject twins called in sick. You're behind the counter. Paige: But I'm off shift. Meeri: Wanna make that permanent? Matt: No she doesn't. Paige: Matt! Matt: Paige. Your boss could have just as easily been Simpson. We could have just as easily been caught. See you tomorrow. At Ellie's house Marco: No Sean. No Bueller. You sure you're okay to stay alone? Ellie: Say you're offering. Please the only other person who wants to be with me right now: my mother! Marco: I'm offering! No worries. Ellie: I won't. At least not about waking up to find you passed out with the house on fire. Mom flashback. Sorry. Marco: Hey worry instead about playing Euchre, Ellie Nash. Ellie: You want to play cards? Marco: Dylan's hockey team plays Thursdays, for money. A lot of money. My allowance only lasts like three hands. Ellie: And you play why? Marco: I repeat, Dylan's hockey team. (Ellie nods knowingly.) Marco: Now. You deal out five cards each. What's leftover goes in a pile. The top card turned up. That card's trump. Now the jack of that suit is the highest. If you have an amazing hand you can go low, play without your partner. Worth two points. So... Outside the school Jimmy: Let's go Del Rossi. Dealer has dealt. Hearts are trump. Ellie: Meaning the jack of hearts is the highest card in the world. Marco: Ellie speaks euchre now. Craig: Hey Marco with your hair all big like that you kind of look like Ashley. Marco: I was sans product this morning. (Turns to Ellie) And you said it looked fine! Alex: Marco be gone. Ellie you're in. Ellie: I can't take Marco's place. Marco: No. It's okay. Sit. Dylan's entire hockey team combined is less competitive than her. Alex: The ace of spades is down. Ellie: Meaning it's their trick so far? Craig: That's the queen...of hearts. You sure you want to lead trump? Ellie: Well I don't have any spades and that's my lowest heart. Alex: I get a scatter proof partner only to stop for French class? Jimmy: Oh well, Je suis up for skipping?! Ellie: Where to? In a classroom Matt: Today I thought we'd talk about bias in the media. How the news sometimes twists the facts. Hazel: You're doing the nod of sleep. It's not attractive. Paige: Avert your eyes. Evil Meeri kept me for the late shift. Matt: Paige, can you tell me how that's different from outright lying? Paige: To lie is to present a falsehood. Bias is telling the truth, just a version of the truth. Matt: Good. (He leaves a note on her desk) Okay so back to why pop stars marry once they release a new CD. In the janitor's closet or boiler room Paige: I've never had a teacher pass me a note before. Matt: Look I know this place isn't exactly romantic, but it seems like every time we try to get together there's always something- (The euchre group tries to open the door, but Matt runs and locks it.) Ellie: There's always the basement! Paige: Matt that's it. Tonight after work I come over! Matt: Where at my place? Paige: Yeah I want to see your private bohemian man-lair. Matt: Paige you can't. Paige: I'm familiar with the student lifestyle. My brother, he shares one bathroom with twelve guys. At least you have a place of your own, with what a comfy couch, TV, DVD. Away from distractions... Matt: No. There's got to be something or someplace else. Look I'll pop by the theatre and we'll go out for coffee after work. Paige: Matt... Matt: Wait a bit before you leave. (He blows her a kiss as she shakes her head) [SCENE_BREAK] In the school basement Craig: Okay. Fine. Rematch. Right now! Ellie: That was the rematch. Alex: Unless you want to make it more interesting? Jimmy: As in uh strip euchre? Alex: As in money. As in $20. Craig: Okay. Jimmy: Okay. (They start playing again.) Jimmy: And it's clubs. Ellie: Oh um one question, why do they call these bowers? Craig: And we skipped French class for this! Come on. (Craig and Jimmy leave) Alex: $10 each. Not real money, but it will buy cafeteria lunch. Ellie: Wait, today's Thursday right? I think I know where real money's gonna be. In the hallway Ellie: Alex and I would like to play euchre with you and Dylan and Dylan's hockey team. Marco: If... if I hook you up, new players have to host the evening. Ellie: I can host. Hostess whatever. Marco: Which means buying pizza, playing 50, 60 dollar hands and losing the little money that you might have. Alex: We have money. We do. Just not any money we plan to lose. In the gymnasium Manny: So Mr. O is cute. Paige: And smart and funny with a tight little yoga body thrown in for fun. Manny: But. Paige: Big secret. The only place we can escape to where he and me can be a we, is his. He doesn't want me going there. Manny: It sounds to me then there's not a lot of honesty going around. Paige: Nobody can know about this Manny! Manny: No. Not around the school. I mean between you and him. A guy like that, I'm surprised he doesn't have a girlfriend. Paige: Well he did have one, but they split. Manny: And that's what he told you? At Ellie's house Alex: That's my whole last pay check. Ellie: Plus $10 from this morning. Alex: It isn't enough is it? Ellie: $540. Otherwise known as my rent. Alex: Let's not use all of it. Ellie: I like this. Playing this. Partner thing works for me. Marco: Ellie the hockey team just got here and we've already gone through the pizzas. Dylan: Let me introduce you to the team. They want to get started. Alex: I'm Alex. This is Ellie, my friend. We're here to defeat you. (Montage of them all playing cards with the guys beating Alex & Ellie.) Alex: We're behind by a point. We have to take the next hit. Ellie: And if we lose it? Alex: Let me be the negative one, okay? It's a bigger gamble, but James wants to put more money down. You alright with that? Ellie: Move in. Alex: Sure I'll go get my things. Ellie: I'm serious. Move in. It'd be cool. Alex: Cool? Sure no mom, no mom's boyfriend of the week, but then there's this thing called rent. Ellie: Only $270 a month. Each. Alex: I can't afford $2 a month. Ellie: So I'll pay more or I won't tell my mom you're living here. Its not like she comes around. Alex: And this is the horrible woman you hate? Ellie: It'd be great. It'd be fun. Right now I need fun. Alex: Move to Wassaga with Sean if you're lonely or suck it up and go home. Ellie: My mom was drunk. Always drunk. Right up to the night she lit the house on fire. Alex: But she's sober now and paying your rent, all the time trying to make things right with you. Wow what a monster. The hockey boys are waiting. When you come back to the table leave the sucky girl behind. At the movie theatre Paige: (on her cell) Hi, customer service? Yes um I just wanted to make sure my phone's working. Yeah I know I'm calling you on it, so it must be. Okay thanks. Bye. Five more seconds please Meeri! Meeri: He stood you up didn't he? Paige: He's not cheating on me if that's what you think. Meeri: I think that's what you think. At Ellie's Alex: Spades is trump. Pick it up. I'm going alone. Ellie: What? Hockey guy 1: You know you're a point away from losing and us from winning? Ellie: Um Alex can I talk to you? Alex: We've been over the concept of going alone before. Talk to Marco. I'm sure he'll clarify things again. Marco: Are you 100% sure of your hand Alex?! Alex: 1000. Relax. Here look at the pretty cards. Hockey guy 2: It's my leave right? Ellie: Wait. That's my rent money. Alex: You're bugging me Ellie. Ellie: You know we'll just forget this hand. Can I de-card? Alex: Sit down. Hockey guy 2: I lead with the ace of hearts. Alex: Keep it. Don't bother. 4 points. We win. You really ought to believe in people more. At Matt's apartment Paige: Why aren't you answering your phone?! Who is in there with you? Matt: What are you doing here Paige? Don't! Paige. (She pushes past him and sees a really crappy apartment with a leaking ceiling.) Matt: Guy upstairs flushed his toilet through my ceiling... for the third time this year. I would have called but they've cut off my service. Paige: This is your apartment? Matt: Yeah. You want the tour? We can begin and end in the foyer. Paige: I thought you were with someone. Matt: Is that the kind of guy you think I am? Paige: I don't know Matt. I see you in class or at the water fountain or at yoga, but beyond that! (She sits down on his bed.) Matt: That's wet. The toilet's above it. Look beyond that, I'm a student like you, except I live in a pit hole apartment. There! All the glamour this relationship ever had: gone! Paige: You said relationship, which means I get to stay. (They start kissing.) At Ellie's, there's a knock at the door Ellie: It's open. Mrs. Nash: It's the middle of the night Ellie. There's no emergency? Ellie: I had to be sure of something. Mrs. Nash: Sure of what? Ellie: That you could come over. That you were sober. You weren't drunk. Mrs. Nash: You woke me as a test?! Ellie: I wrote a letter to Mr. Martin. It says I'm giving two months notice. Mrs. Nash: Oh so you're coming home! Ellie: I, I said I wrote it mom. I haven't given it to him. Not yet. Mrs. Nash: But you're going to? Ellie: No more drinking? Mrs. Nash: The best I can do is try. Day by day. Try. Ellie: Then promise me you'll try and make it easy for me to trust you. Mrs. Nash: Come home Ellie. I'm tired of being alone. Ellie: Yeah. Me too. Scenes for next week Paige: (to the audience) Sneaking around sucks, but sometimes it's worth it. Paige: Yeah Simpson. Oh my god. He didn't see us. No way! Voiceover: As if that wasn't bad enough. Hazel: It's a crush. No big thing. Manny: You don't have to lie. Paige told me all about her hot after school affair. Voiceover: Now Paige has to worry about what her friends might say. Hazel: (in class) Gee Mr. Oleander, I thought you only had eyes for Paige!

Plan: A: the rent; Q: What is Ellie struggling to pay? A: Ellie; Q: Who discovers she can earn money playing euchre? A: Alex; Q: Who wants to play euchre for more money? A: a difficult choice; Q: What kind of choice does Ellie have to make? A: Matt's secret affair blossoms; Q: What happens to Matt's secret affair? Summary: Struggling to pay the rent, Ellie discovers she can earn money playing euchre. When Alex wants to play for more money, Ellie has to make a difficult choice. Meanwhile, Paige and Matt's secret affair blossoms, but Paige wonders whether he's still seeing his ex-girlfriend behind her back.

Skyline: Doppler Waves emanate from the top of the Space Needle. ACT 1 [Scene 1 - Frasier's apartment. Eddie is sprawled lethargically on Martin's chair. Martin and Daphne enter from the kitchen.] Martin: Well, gosh...What did I just find in my pocket? Is that tri-tip with peanut butter? [He moves to the couch and holds a bag in front of Eddie.] It is! [Eddie does not respond.] Daphne: Hmm, no luck? He's definitely coming down with something. Martin: Well, I guess I'm going to have to eat these myself. Daphne: Good idea. Reverse psychology! Martin: [munching on the food] What do you mean? [Frasier enters from the direction of his room, followed by a maintenance man.] Frasier: Well, Joe has found the source of the leak in my ceiling. It is Cam Winston's brand new washing machine! By God, for this time he's gone too far! As if his noise and noxious presence at the condo board meetings weren't bad enough. Have you ever heard of anything more...fury inspiring! Daphne: I certainly have not. Imagine the cheek of the man, installing an illegal washer-dryer. Joe: Oh, they're not illegal. A lot of the units have them. You guys have a hookup in the hall closet where you keep all those hats... [The look on Daphne's face at this revelation shows that she has found something more "fury-inspiring" than Frasier's issues with Cam.] Frasier: [quickly, to Daphne] First of all, I had completely forgotten about the hookup. Second of all, I believe the homburg is poised for a comeback, and third, we have a more immediate problem, in the form of the evil waters of Cam Winston! Joe: Yeah, about that, maybe you could ask Mr. Winston to not use the machine till we get that leak patched. Frasier: Wrong! We've got to teach Cam a lesson and shut his water off right now! Joe: That's, uh, not our standard operating procedure. Frasier: [reaching for his pocket] Well, I could compensate you for your pains. Joe: I gotta go all the way to the basement... Frasier: [handing him some bills] Perhaps this will help persuade you? Joe: This might get me as far as six. [Frasier counts out more bills and hands them to Joe. The doorbell rings. Niles rushes in on a fancy motorized pedestrian vehicle. He is wearing a billed cap.] Niles: Hello, all. [Daphne looks curious and excited about the machine.] It's called a Segway. My friend Raul at the university is doing an experiment on the psychological effects of technology, and he asked me to ride it around. Martin: Well, how do you like it? Niles: Oh, walking is but a distant memory! Better yet, I can redirect the unused energy to other pursuits [scooting near Daphne] like playing Squash... or lovemaking. Daphne: Oh... Niles! [They kiss.] Frasier: I'm sorry, I'd love to stay and gawk, but I'm at war! Come, Joe. [Frasier and Joe exit. Niles scoots around the back of the couch.] Niles: What was that about? Martin: Oh, Cam Winston. Hey, can I get a ride on that thing? Niles: Nothing would please me more. [Scoots up to Martin] But, no. [He scoots past him.] One of the conditions of the experiment is that I can't share the Segway with anyone - not even you, Daphne, I'm sorry. Daphne: I can't believe you agreed to that! Niles: [insincerely] Well, it was damn difficult, let me tell you. But I'll make a note of your disappointment in my daily write-up. [Niles continues to scoot and gyrate around the room. The doorbell rings.] Martin: Well, I know we can't ride it, but there's a poor, sick little dog here... Niles: [interrupting] Dad, again, saying "no" is one of the prices we all pay for science. Now, who wants a Fudgesicle? [He scoots toward the kitchen.] [Daphne answers the door to reveal Cam Winston, who is damp and wearing a bathrobe.] Cam: [haughtily] Good afternoon. Daphne: Hello, Mr. Winston. Martin: Hey, Cam, come on in! Cam: [entering] Is Frasier at home? Someone has shut off my water, and I suspect his hand is at the spigot. Martin: Oh, geez, that doesn't sound like Fras. Cam: Then you don't know what he's capable of. [notices Eddie] What's the matter with your dog? He looks a little glassy-eyed. Martin: Yeah, he's got a bug. I've got to take him to the vet. Cam: Well, my mother's a vet, and she happens to be staying with me. I'm sure she wouldn't mind taking a look... even if it is Frasier's dog. [He moves toward Martin and Eddie.] Martin: Oh, no, he's mine. Frasier can't stand him. Daphne: Yeah, when he's healthy he jumps on Dr. Crane's bed, drools on his pillow, chews on his slippers... Cam: [suddenly pleased] Really? We've got to get this little rascal back up on his feet! [He and Martin laugh as he pets Eddie. Fade out.] [Scene 2 - Frasier's apartment. Martin is lying on the couch, playing with Eddie, who is obviously back to normal. Daphne enters, carrying a basket of laundry from the direction of her room.] Daphne: I've done some calculating, and in the last nine years, I've carried 2.8 tons of laundry approximately 106.4 miles back and forth to the basement. That's the same as carrying an SUV on my back to Canada! Martin: [sprawled on the couch petting and feeding Eddie] Maybe we should ask him to buy a washer-dryer. Daphne: [sarcastically] Oh, there's an idea! I was going to suggest moving the apartment closer to the laundry room. [She opens the door as Cam's mother is about to knock.] Hello, Dr. Winston. [Cam's mother is an attractive African-American woman in her early 60's. She enters.] Cora: Hello, Daphne. Martin. I just came by to check on my patient. Daphne: Oh, he's much better. I'm off to do the laundry. Cora: You don't have your own here? Daphne: [pausing] No. We have a hat museum. [She exits with the laundry.] Cora: [approaching the couch] How's our boy? Martin: Oh he's doing great! Those antibiotics workes wonders. How about a cup of coffee? Cora: Thanks. Cream, no sugar. Martin: Okay. [He goes to prepare the coffee.] Cora: [examining Eddie] He looks good! Martin: Well, Eddie's tough. Plus the smartest dog ever! Cora: I always thought Border Collies were the smartest dogs. Martin: [laughing with mock disdain] Well, it's obvious you haven't had much exposure to dogs. What were you, a zoo doctor? [He returns with the coffee.] Cora: No, I just treat pets...and their owners' egos. Martin: Oh, yeah, tell me! Cat people. Well, it's really handy having a vet right here in the building. Cora: Well, it's only temporary. They're doing some remodeling on my house. It was only supposed to take a few weeks... then Cam found out. Suddenly I'm getting new bay windows and a kitchen based on something he saw in English Home Magazine. You have no idea. Martin: No, unfortunately, I do. [Frasier enters from his room.] Frasier: Hello, Dad. Oh, Dr. Winston. Cora: Hello, Frasier. Martin, I've got to be going. Martin: Oh, well thanks for stopping by to see Eddie. Cora: It was no problem. Oh, Frasier, I almost forgot. This is for you from Cam. [She hands Martin an envelope which she was holding when she entered. Martin passes it to Frasier.] Frasier: Oh, well, thank you, Dr. Winston. Nice seeing you again. [Martin and Cora approach the door and exchange goodbyes. Cora exits.] Frasier: [suspicious] What was that about? Martin: Well, she just came by to see Eddie. Kind of a medical-slash- social visit. [He moves to his chair.] Frasier: Social! Dear God, don't tell me that you and that scoundrel's mother... Martin: Hey, Frasier, take it easy. We just had a cup of coffee. [Frasier opens the envelope and reads the paper inside. He gives a scornful laugh.] Frasier: Yes, all the pieces suddenly fit. [He sits at the table.] Martin: What is it? Frasier: It's a bill from Cam. Apparently turning off his water has ruined the clothes that were in his washing machine. Those clothes were already ruined just by being on Cam Winston! Martin: [reacting to Frasier's childishness] Well, then don't pay him. Have another fight. Frasier: [rising] The battle is joined. I will not let that--that Mata Hari drag you into this. From this day forward, no more Winstons in this, my house! [Frasier exits toward his room in a huff. Fade out.] [Scene 3 - The lobby of Frasier's building. Martin is checking the mail. Cora approaches.] Cora: Hey, Marty! Martin: Oh, hi, Cora! [She approaches him and bends to pet Eddie.] Martin: Ooh, be careful. If Frasier catches you petting Eddie, it'll be the pound for him. Cora: Cam actually forbade me from coming to your apartment. And they're so alike you'd think they'd get along. [Martin laughs. Cam crosses the hall to the elevator. Martin sees him.] Martin: Hi, Cam. Cam: Good afternoon, Mr. Crane. [The elevator opens.] Come along mother. [singsong] I've already checked the mail. [He is very uncomfortable.] Cora: I'll be up in a minute! Don't worry. Cam: Very well. [He pauses, unsure of what to do or say.] Carry on. [He enters the elevator, which closes. He continues to display an uncomfortable, indignant look on his face.] Cora: I can't believe that's my son! What has gotten into him? Martin: Oh, why would they want to drag us into their feud? Cora: I think it's because if we're friends, then they at least have to try to be nice. Martin: You know what, we should get married. Really make them suffer. Cora: [laughing] Oh, my! It'd be worth it just to see the looks on their faces! [They laugh, obviously enjoying each other's company as well as making fun of their sons. Frasier enters, witnessing the laughter from behind.] Frasier: Dad! Martin: Oh. Frasier: Dr. Winston. I see you've checked the mail already. Martin: Oh, yeah, here you go. [Frasier takes the mail. Martin waves. Frasier moves to the elevator and nods for Martin to join him at the elevator. He repeats this gesture. The elevator opens. As Frasier enters, Martin and Cora have their backs turned to him. Martin, seized with a sudden inspiration, slips his hand into Cora's. The elevator closes on Frasier, who has a look of utter horror on his face. Martin and Cora double over with laughter. Fade out.] END OF ACT 1 ACT 2 [Scene 4 - Cam's apartment. The layout is exactly the same as Frasier's, and the decor is tastefully eclectic, emphasizing how similar Cam and Frasier really are. Cora, wearing a long pink dressing gown, opens the door to reveal Martin, who is wearing the robe we have seen many times before.] Cora: [whispering] Good morning. Martin: Good morning. Is he still asleep? Cora: I just heard his alarm so we have to hurry. [they rush to the dining area] Martin: I can't believe we're doing this. It's so mean! Cora: I know. Isn't it great? [As they run offstage, Cam enters the living room in a fashionable dressing gown. He opens the door to get his newspaper, and turns to see Cora and Martin entering from the opposite hallway.] Cora: Good morning, Sweetheart! Martin: Oh, hello, Cam. [Cam stares in a stupor of disbelief. Cora goes into the kitchen as Martin sits at the dinner table.] Cam: Hi... Martin: Oh, flip you for the sports page! Oh, I don't have a quarter. I'll just get my pants. [He gestures toward the back of the apartment and starts to rise. Cam immediately hands him the whole paper.] Martin: Oh, thanks, buddy! Cora: [sticks her head out] Can I fix you some breakfast, baby? Martin: Oh, just toast and coffee. Cora: [suggestively] I was talking to Cam! Martin: [chuckling with feigned embarassment] Oh... whoops. Cam: [stonefaced] You know, actually, I'm not that hungry. I'll... get something on the way to work. [Cam turns, knocking one of his knicknacks off a shelf and nervously catching it. He exits to the rear. Martin hurriedly stands up.] Martin: [toward the kitchen] Psst! Cora: [entering] That was perfect! Martin: You don't think we went to far, do you? Cora: Not yet. [They hurriedly exit.] [Scene 5 - Quick dissolve to Frasier's apartment, which as we know is directly below Cam's. Martin and Cora hurriedly enter. They rush to the dining table, as Frasier is heard in the background bellowing "Daphne!" with anguish.] Frasier: Daphne! Daphne! Daphne!! [He runs into the living room wearing pajamas and stops short at the sight of Martin and Cora, who is looking at a newspaper. He grins stupidly.] Frasier: Dr. Winston! Martin: Morning! Cora: Morning. [Throughout the scene, Frasier enunciates in a strained voice, concealing a combination of nervousness, embarrassment, and seething anger.] Frasier: Yes. Good morning. How did this... How did you... sleep? Martin: [grinning widely] Like a couple of logs. Cora: More like two baby kittens curled up in a tight fuzzy ball. [Martin laughs with feigned embarassment. Frasier looks like he is about to explode.] Martin: God, you're cute! Isn't she, Frasier? Cora: [notices time] Oh dear, I should probably go. Martin: Aww... Cora: Bye, Sweetie. Martin: Bye, Sweetheart. [They kiss briefly on the lips.] Cora: Bye, Frasier. [She goes toward the door, followed by Martin.] Frasier: Good-bye. Nice to see you. [Cora exits, Martin closes the door.] Frasier: What the hell is going on?! Martin: What does it look like? Frasier: Dad, are you crazy? She's a Winston! She's probably just leading you on so she can break your heart! That's exactly the kind of thing Cam would do to hurt me. Martin: Boy, you know, I finally find a woman I like, and who seems to like me, and all you can think about is your stupid feud. [Frasier retreats, but tries another tack.] Frasier: I'm just a little surprised. I didn't realize things were going so fast. Martin: Well, then it's a good thing you found out, because things could get more serious--a lot more serious. Frasier: What does that mean?! Martin: Well, let's just say, I wouldn't mind having a stepson. [Martin exits to the hall, leaving Frasier gaping with horror.] Frasier: [recovering] Dad, now you're just provoking me, aren't you? [calling after him] Dad? Dad! Are you? [Daphne enters from her room.] Daphne: Good morning, Dr. Crane. Frasier: [seething] Theeeere you are. [He holds up a dark sock.] Frasier: What is the meaning of this? Where is his mate? Daphne: I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about. Frasier: My favorite pair of socks reduced to a single argyle! Nor is this the only example. The keen observer yesterday would have noticed that I left the apartment wearing two shades of black! Explanation, please! Daphne: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. I'm forced to do the laundry downstairs, and I guess your socks are just too tempting to the neighbors. Of course, you're welcome to go down there yourself and stand guard. [Frasier nods in indignation during this speech.] Frasier: I see. But if we had our own washer-dryer, there would be no more lost socks. [seething] I will not be strong- armed by threats against my laundry! Daphne: Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks. Frasier: I don't have any pinks. Daphne: [exiting to the kitchen] You will. [Frasier has a mortified and defeated look on his face. Fade out.] SPEAKING OF SEGWAYS... [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene 6 - Cafe Nervosa. Fade in over the opening lines. Roz and Frasier are sitting together.] Roz: Are you okay? Frasier: [with repressed agitation] I'm fine. Roz: You seem like you've been in a lousy mood lately. Frasier: It's just that they put soy milk in my latte. I don't like soy milk. If it doesn't come from a teat or an udder, it isn't milk. [looks out the window] Oh, terrific. Here comes Niles on his fabulous "showing up Frasier" contraption. All he wants is attention, so don't give him any! [Niles cruises toward them on the Segway, still wearing the cap. Frasier looks away, while Roz and everyone else points and chatters in excitement.] Niles: Greetings, foot people! How are things back in the 20th Century? Roz: [rising] Wow! That looks like fun! Niles: Fun? Well, I suppose it is. I never really thought about it. You see, the Segway is more of a productivity tool. Roz: Do you think I could... Niles: [interrupting] No, go away. [He cruises away from them.] Roz: It's not the only tool. [The waiter hands Niles a coffee. This is the same waiter that Frasier was unable to stymie in the previous episode, "Deathtrap" Niles: Oh, I haven't ordered yet. Waiter: It's on the house. We love the machine. [A crowd of onlookers looks admiringly at Niles. Frasier shakes his head in disgust.] Niles: That is sooo nice! Frasier: You know, I think I've seen just about enough. Free food and drink, just because you showed them something new. I'll tell you what. Let's all paint our bottoms and run to the sandwich shop! Niles: My, my, feelings of inadequacy... typical reaction from the unwheeled. I'll make a note of your grumpiness. Frasier: If I'm grumpy, it's because of Cam Winston. Do you realize that Dad and Cam's mother are dating? Niles: Yes, I do and I think it's great. Honestly, Frasier, you have to loosen up. [enunciating to everybody as he cruises away] Openness to new ideas is the hallmark of our new century! [As he exits, the crowd erupts in applause. Roz and Frasier look at each other with disgust.] Roz: Don't you hope he gets hit by a car? Frasier: Mmm... Excuse me, can I please get another cup of coffee? No soy milk this time. [He hands his cup to the waiter.] Roz: So that's what's bugging you. Your dad has a new girlfriend. Frasier: No, I'm just afraid he's going to get hurt. Roz: No you're not, you're afraid you're going to have to be nice to Cam. Frasier: I am nice! Cam's insufferable. Roz: Okay, fine, whatever,here's what I'd do. Be the first one to make peace. Then you'll be the bigger man to your dad and to his girlfriend, and it'll drive Cam nuts. [Frasier's cell phone rings.] Frasier: That's good, Roz. Seize the high ground. You know, I'll offer Cam an apology and he'll be trumped. [He chuckles as he answers his phone.] Hello? Cam! I was just about to call you. A truce, you say? I'm sorry, I can't hear you. You're break... up! I'm afraid my bat... is low on pow- [He quickly cuts off the line and folds up the phone.] Frasier: Son of a bitch is trying to steal my high ground! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene 7 - Cam's apartment. Cam opens the door to Frasier.] Cam: Hello, Crane. Glad you could make it... I guess. Frasier: Spare me your honey-glazed pleasantries, Cam. I am here to roll up my sleeves and end our feud. Cam: As am I. That's why I called you. Frasier: Just for the record, it was my idea to apologize first. Cam: Well, that seems appropriate, since you're the one who shut off the water and ruined my clothes. Frasier: That, sir, is a fraction of the story. Since you moved into this building, you have encroached upon my parking space, you have undermined my position with the condo board, and you killed a magnificent Virginia Creeper. Cam: Which you gleefully encouraged to climb the balcony and choke my dangling ivy! Frasier: I thought it was marijuana! Cam: Dangling ivy looks nothing like marijuana! Frasier: Well, I'm sure I wouldn't know. [With that, he turns away as if he's just scored a point.] Cam: This is getting us nowhere, Crane. Frasier: [relenting] Agreed, agreed. I guess we'll never really see eye to eye, but I am resolved to put aside our differences for the sake of our parents. [Cam has produced a bottle of sherry and two glasses.] Cam: For the sake of our parents. Where are they anyway? Frasier: Downstairs watching Court TV. Cam: Ah. It's all about romance with you Cranes, isn't it? Frasier: Now, you see, there you go again. I lower my guard and you slap me in the face. Cam: All right, I apologize. And as a token of my sincerity, I pledge to pay whatever damage my washer-dryer may have caused. [Cam offers Frasier a glass.] Frasier: Well done. And in the same spirit of hatchet-burying, I agree to pay for your ruined clothes. Cheers. [They toast, then Frasier offers his hand. Cam starts to take it, but pulls it away.] Cam: Since things seem to be off on such a good foot, perhaps now is a good time to discuss the mailbox situation. Frasier: You want to switch, don't you? Cam: As a tall man, I dislike having to stoop for my mail. Frasier: Indeed. Well, I would prefer to put aside that explosive issue until we're sure the truce will hold. Cam: I see. Fair enough. [Cam offers his hand. Frasier starts to take it, but pulls it away.] Frasier: Unless you're willing to agree on some sort of noise abatement framework. You see, you have a unique sliding gait, Cam. When you wear your heeled boots, the resultant shh-clop, shh-clop, shh-clop... well, it just sounds like a dancing pony in my apartment. Cam: Perhaps we should get some paper so we can write all this down. [As Frasier nods in agreement, and Cam puts down his glass, we dissolve to:] [Scene 8 - Time fade. Frasier and Cam are now seated. The sherry bottle sits nearly empty on the coffee table, surrounded by seven or eight pieces of crinkled yellow paper. Cam and Frasier are seated on the couch with their sherries, as Cam finishes writing on the tablet that was the source of the yellow paper.] Cam: Fine. I will arrange an introduction to my sweater weaver. Frasier: Good. Thank you. Cam: But, then I must insist on the formula to your bath blend. [Frasier looks concerned. He pauses and takes a drink.] Frasier: I think we were closer on an earlier draft. Cam: Concur. [They begin to straighten the crinkled pages, looking for the more promising earlier draft. Fade out.] [Scene 9 - Frasier's apartment. Martin, Cora, and Daphne are seated at the dining table drinking coffee. Niles is still on his Segway, also drinking coffee.] Niles: Mmm. Daphne: Hey, Niles. That Truffaut film you like is playing down at the La Salle. Niles: Oh. Sounds tempting. But the people behind me wouldn't be able to see. Daphne: I guess we'll stay in, then. [gets up] I'm going to go take a bath. It's too bad you have to stay on that. [seductively] I could use a third, and a fourth hand. [She cranes upward to give him a teasing kiss, then walks toward her room. Niles spins around, following her with his eyes and whining softly.] Niles: Uh... wait! Daphne, Daphne, Daphne... [He parks the Segway and finally dismounts.] Niles: There we go. You wait there, I'll light the candles. [He runs off, passing Daphne, who waits for him to exit.] Daphne: So long, sucker! [Martin and Cora laugh as she runs over and jumps onto the Segway.] Niles: [running back] Daphne, what are you doing? Daphne: Whoo! Hold the door! [She cruises to the door, where Cam and Frasier have just entered. They make room for her.] Daphne: Whoo-hoo! Whoa-hoh! Niles: [running after her, distressed] Daphne! Daphne... [They exit, Niles in desperate pursuit. Frasier and Cam exchange a look and close the door.] Martin: Hey, boys! Cora: Have you two been fighting? Frasier: On the contrary. Cam and I are here to announce the cessation of all hostilities between us. We are officially friends. Cam: As defined by the treaty. [They shake hands.] Cora: Well, that means a lot to us. Cam: Oh, I think it's safe to say that we've entered a whole new era of coopera... [He catches himself, noticing one of Frasier's knick-knacks.] Cam: Did you get that at Mueller's Antiques? Frasier: [excitedly] Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. It represents a great triumph for me. You see, I snatched it from under the nose of another collector who had actually put a... [catching himself as he notices Cam's glare] Cora: [rising and running to them] You were saying, it's a new era of cooperation. How wonderful. You should celebrate. The two of you should go to the symphony tonight. Cam: But I thought you and I were going. Cora: I'm going to stay here with Martin. [She goes back to sit at the dinner table.] Frasier: Well, I suppose. Cora: Well, then you'd better hurry. Cam likes to pre-order his intermission cocktail. Frasier: Oh. Then you don't have a standing order? Well, we'd better hurry, then. We'll take my car. [Frasier rushes to the door.] Cam: I've seen you drive. We'll take mine. Frasier: What, your Humvee? I think not. Cam: Not in front of the parents, Crane. [Frasier opens the door. Daphne whizzes by on the Segway, with Niles in pursuit.] Daphne: Whoo-hoo! Niles: Darling, darling, darling! [Frasier allows them to pass, and then ushers Cam out the door.] Martin: I can't believe they're going to spend the whole evening together. Cora: Oh, I know! If they get through it alive, we should probably tell them the truth. [They move to the door.] Martin: Too bad. It was fun being your boyfriend for a few days. [He opens the door.] Cora: [laughing] It was! Still, all good things must come to an end. [Martin nods. There is palpable romantic tension. They lean to each other for an extended and tender kiss.] Cora: But who knows when? [She smiles suggestively and exits. Martin closes the door, beaming. Fade out.] END OF ACT 2 [Scene Z - End Credits. Frasier's lobby. The whole sequence is in fast motion. Daphne exits the elevator on the Segway. Niles attempts to head her off. They exit to the rear. Niles now cruises back aboard the machine with Daphne in pursuit. They go inside the elevator, which closes. When it opens again, the Segway has been commandeered by Joe, the maintenance guy. Daphne and Niles pursue him. He exits to the rear with Daphne running after him. Niles remains behind and kicks at the air in disappointment.]

Plan: A: Cam Winston; Q: Who is the handyman? A: Cam's washer dryer; Q: What is causing the leak in Frasier's apartment? A: the building's handyman; Q: Who did Frasier bribe to cut off Cam's water supply? A: Eddie; Q: Who is unwell? A: his mother; Q: Who is staying with Cam? A: Cam's mother; Q: Who is a vet? A: a couple; Q: What do Martin and Cam's mother pretend to be? A: a treaty; Q: What do Frasier and Cam come to? A: Niles; Q: Who is conducting an experiment with a Segway? A: Daphne; Q: Who wants a washer dryer in the apartment? Summary: Frasier's feud with Cam Winston has reignited after a leak in Frasier's apartment has been traced to Cam's washer dryer , leading Frasier to bribe the building's handyman to cut off Cam's water supply. Cam then comes down to complain, and seeing Eddie rather unwell and discovering Frasier's dislike of him, suggests that his mother, a vet who happens to be staying with him, could help out. Everyone gets along well with Cam's mother, except Frasier, who sees it as consorting with the enemy. Cam is none too pleased either at his mother talking to someone from Frasier's apartment. Martin and Cam's mother decide the time has come for Frasier and Cam to reconcile, so they decide to pretend they are a couple. This causes Frasier and Cam to come to some agreement via a treaty. Niles is conducting an experiment with a new contraption (the Segway ), and is annoying everyone by refusing to share it. Daphne wants a washer dryer in the apartment.

-[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (A young Snow White enters the main chamber of the castle, where Queen Eva is consulting several women. Snow White is dressed in a pink, sparkly ball gown.) Queen Eva: Let's be certain she's seated as far away from the Duke as possible, for the Duchess' sake. Woman: Yes, ma'am. (The women leave.) Snow White: Do you like it? Queen Eva: Oh, my dear Snow. You are an absolute vision. You are going to be the talk of the ball, and not just because it's for your birthday. (They hug briefly.) Queen Eva: Come. I can hardly believe you're growing up so fast. Which reminds me... I have a gift for you. It was my mother's once, and her mother's before that. And soon, it will be yours. (In another room, a diamond tiara sits in a padded box. Johanna picks it up and places it on her head, then admires herself in the mirror. However, Queen Eva and Snow White enter and catch her in the act. She quickly removes the tiara.) Queen Eva: Johanna. Johanna: Oh! Oh, Your Majesty. Oh, please forgive me. I just wanted to see- Snow White: How dare you? That's mine. It's not for a servant. Johanna: It was my mistake. Snow White: Servants don't wear crowns. Queen Eva: Enough. Johanna: I'm sorry, Your Majesty- Queen Eva: No, I was talking to Snow. Snow White: Me? Queen Eva: I thought I raised you better than that, Snow. It doesn't matter whether one is a servant or royalty. Everyone in the kingdom deserves our love and respect. Snow White: But she took my tiara- Queen Eva: She apologized. And it isn't yours yet. Johanna: Your Majesty, it's alright. Queen Eva: You're kind, Johanna, but Snow must learn. My dear, we are all the same. Snow White: But I thought we were royals. Queen Eva: We are, but that doesn't make us better than anyone else. The upcoming ball, for instance - can you tell me what it's for? Snow White: It's to honour me on my birthday. Queen Eva: No. It's for you to honour them, by showing them you will be a kind and benevolent leader when that time comes. Please. (Johanna hands the tiara to Queen Eva.) Queen Eva: When you are crowned with this on your birthday, it will be a symbol that you will always hold goodness in your heart and rule justly. Now do you understand? Snow White: I do, mother. (Queen Eva hands the tiara to Snow White, who then walks over to the mirror. She does not put it on.) Snow White: It's beautiful. Queen Eva: And it's heavier than it looks. (Suddenly, Queen Eva gasps in pain and her knees buckle beneath her. Johanna rushes to support her.) Johanna: Your Majesty! Snow White: Mother! Queen Eva: I'm fine. Snow White: No, no. You're not. (Johanna eases the Queen into a chair.) Johanna: Come. There. I'm getting the doctor. (Johanna quickly exits the room.) Snow White: Mother... Queen Eva: I'm fine, dear. -[Storybrooke]- (At Mary Margaret's apartment, Mary Margaret looks in the mirror and reminisces, while David cooks breakfast behind her.) MMB: What are you doing? David: I'm making breakfast. MMB: Why? David: I'm hungry. MMB: You think I don't know what you're doing? We talked about this. We had a deal. David: I know. I know. But, with the curse broken, I thought maybe you would change your mind. MMB: Well, I didn't. What's this? (She gestures to the table, where there is a wrapped gift with a card attached.) David: Birthday present. MMB: No, I told you... David: It's not from me! MMB: No one else knows. David: Apparently, someone does, and they also think you should celebrate. It was left outside the door this morning. (Initially ignoring the card, she opens the gift. Inside, there is the diamond tiara.) David: What is it? (Mary Margaret lifts the tiara out of the box and begins to tear up.) David: I thought that was lost when the curse hit. MMB: So did I. (She spots the card and opens up the envelope, handing the tiara to David. Inside is a card that says 'Thinking of you today. -Johanna".) MMB: Johanna. David: I didn't know she was in Storybrooke. MMB: Neither did I. David: After the curse, you were gone for a while. We're all still finding each other. It hasn't been easy. MMB: I have to go. (Mary Margaret takes the tiara back from David and goes to grab her coat.) David: Okay. Hey... Happy Birthday. (They kiss.) MMB: Thank you for understanding. You should go. It's getting late. You have to go to work. David: I know. I just... I just wish this day made you happier. MMB: I know. But we both know it can't. (Mary Margaret exits.) [SCENE_BREAK] (David arrives for work at the Sheriff's station. As he's hanging up his coat, he is briefly distracted by a noise. While his attention is elsewhere, Hook ambushes David and hits him in the head with a crowbar, knocking him unconscious. Hook takes David's keys.) Hook: Apologies, mate, but I think you have something of mine. (Hook unlocks the drawer of the desk and discovers his hook inside. He unscrews the fake hand he was using as a substitute, and replaces it with his hook. He then leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Johanna is planting a small flower garden in her backyard. Mary Margaret approaches her.) MMB: Johanna? Johanna: Snow... MMB: It's 'Mary Margaret', here. Johanna: No. You will always be my dear Snow. (They embrace.) MMB: I never thought I'd see you again. Or this. (She takes the tiara out of her bag and holds it up.) Johanna: Oh. I came across it in Mr. Gold's shop, and I knew how much it meant to you. I knew you had to have it. MMB: Thank you. I haven't seen those flowers in a long time. Johanna: They reminded me of you. Because they could survive the harshest winter, and you were born during the harshest one of all. MMB: That's why she named me Snow. Johanna: I thought keeping this garden would be a nice way to honour her. MMB: It is. Johanna: I miss her, too. Oh, you... (Johanna wipes a tray off of Mary Margaret's cheek. Suddenly, a noise is heard coming from the woods behind them.) Johanna: What was that? MMB: Stay here. I'm sure it was nothing. Johanna: Snow... MMB: No, no, please. Please, just stay here. I'll be right back. (Mary Margaret goes to investigate, while Johanna stays behind. In the woods, Mary Margaret comes across Regina and Cora. Regina is digging a hole, while Cora stands off to the side watching.) Cora: And you're sure this is where we're supposed to dig? (Regina consults the map.) Regina: Yes. Hook marked it clearly. Rumpelstiltskin's dagger is here. Cora: Unless, Hook lied to us. Regina: Well, then this map is useless. Gold is the only one who can translate it. Cora: Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. Hook could've saved us a lot of effort with honesty, but, the truth is, we don't need anyone. I can reconstruct the map. It'll just take a bit more time. And when we find it, I promise you, I'll use that dagger to force the Dark One to kill anyone you like. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret arrives at the sheriff's station.) MMB: David? (She finds David bleeding and unconscious on the floor. She rushes over to him and frantically attempts to wake him up.) MMB: David! David?! David! David! (David comes to and groans.) MMB: What happened? David: Hook. He ambushed me. (She helps David up.) MMB: Are you hurt? David: I'm fine. It's not me he wants. It's Gold...and his hook. Yeah, I'm going to enjoy throwing his ass in jail. MMB: Hook isn't the problem, David. David: Tell that to my head. MMB: It's Regina. She's been lying to us. She's working with Cora to find Gold's dagger. David: The dagger controls him. If Cora gets it, she can force Gold and all his power to do her bidding. MMB: Or... Become the Dark One herself. David: Neither one of those options sounds good. Lucky for us, we can call the man himself. He's with Emma. MMB: Tried it. Sent a message. David: Well, we can't just wait. MMB: No, we have to buy time until they call us back or return. David: How? MMB: Regina. She doesn't trust her mother. Never has. If we can put some doubt in her about Cora's motives, it might slow them down. David: And you think she'll just trust you? MMB: Well, she doesn't need to trust me. She just has to listen to me. And I know how to get her to do that. -[New York]- (Neal, Henry, Emma, and Mr. Gold walk down a street in New York. Neal and Henry are talking, while Emma and Mr. Gold trail behind them.) Neal: So, uh... You like pizza? Henry: Yeah. Let me guess - you're going to tell me the best pizza's in New York, and I got to try it, right? Neal: Actually, it's in the Kingdom of Damarian on the north shore of the Dragon Fields of Zorn. Nah, it's in New York. Here, let's get you a slice. Henry: So you're really from there? Neal: Yeah, I am. (The two of them enter the pizza shop. Emma and Mr. Gold stand outside.) Emma: Do you think that we should... Mr. Gold: If we were welcome, I feel confident an invitation would have been extended. It's a sad truth that the people closest to us are the ones capable of causing us the most pain. That's our common ground, Miss Swan. Emma: Guess my lying to him just caught up with me. Mr. Gold: Ah, give him time. He'll forgive you. Emma: Is that you projecting your own hopes? Mr. Gold: My son and I have some way to go. Emma: I can see that. Mr. Gold: I need you to speak to him. Try and convince him to come back to Storybrooke with us. Emma: If I recall, there was only one favour I owed you, and I think I'm paid up. Mr. Gold: This isn't about me anymore. You'll do it for Henry. Emma: How do you figure that? Mr. Gold: Well, because if you don't, you're going to wake up one morning, and discover he's hopped on a bus back to New York. He ran away to Boston to be with you. He'll do the same thing for his father. Emma: Until Neal lets him down - which he will. It'll be a hard lesson, but then at least Henry will understand that I lied to protect him. Mr. Gold: Someone's beginning to sound a lot like Regina. I think the real reason you lied was to protect yourself. Emma: What's that supposed to mean? Mr. Gold: From getting hurt again. Emma: That's not happening. Mr. Gold: You want a second chance with that man. Emma: What makes you think that? Mr. Gold: The look on your face. Emma: You have no idea what... (Neal and Henry exit the pizza shop and join them.) Neal: What are we talking about? Henry: Emma, Neal wanted to show me the museum. Do you think we can go back to the apartment and get my camera? Neal: Yeah, well, I... Kids like culture, right? Emma: Sure. Yeah, that's fine. You like the New York pizza? Henry: Yeah. It's delicious, cheesy, and doesn't lie. -[Storybrooke]- (Regina enters Granny's Diner, where Mary Margaret is waiting for her in a booth. Regina stands across from her.) Regina: So, how is Henry? Is he okay? MMB: He's fine. Everything's fine. Regina: What'd he say? MMB: I didn't actually talk to him. (Regina sits down.) Regina: Then why am I here? MMB: Because I know you've been lying. And I thought it was time we talk about it. Regina: I don't know what you're talking about- MMB: No, no, no, no. No more lying. I know you've been with your mother. I know you're looking for the dagger. Regina: What I'm doing is my business. MMB: There's a war starting, Regina. Regina: That much is clear, yes. MMB: Lucky for you, you've earned enough good will with me to give you one last chance - a chance to choose the right side... The side of good. Regina: Have you ever considered that maybe, perhaps... I am good? I was always the Queen. It was you who added 'Evil' to my name. MMB: Good doesn't do what you do. Why? Regina, why go back to being this way after how hard you tried? Regina: And what did it get me? Dinner with a bunch of hypocrites who pretend they'll forgive me, when in their hearts, they know... They never will. You're giving me a chance? How about I give you one? Stay out of my way. (Regina gets up to leave.) MMB: Listening to your mother is a mistake, Regina. Regina: Because listening to you will work out so much better. MMB: She doesn't care about Henry. All she wants is power. Regina: Power is how you get things. MMB: She doesn't care about you. Regina: Really? And what would you know about mothers? (Regina exits.) -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Queen Eva is now bedridden due to her illness. A doctor checks her over, while Snow White and Johanna watch by the side of the bed.) Snow White: Do you know what's wrong with her? Doctor: Not yet, my dear. But I have hope that we shall know soon. Snow White: Then she'll be alright? Queen Eva: Snow... Snow White: Mother! (Snow White goes to her mother's side.) Doctor: You should call for the King immediately. Johanna: W-what... What message shall I give him? Doctor: That whatever business he's attending to can wait. He should be at his wife's side. Snow White: We'll cancel the ball, and turn it into a celebration once you're better. Queen Eva: We can't cancel your birthday. It'll be fine. I will be well by then. I want to see you walking in that tiara. Snow White: I don't care about my birthday. All I care about is you. (Suddenly, Queen Eva begins coughing. She calls for Johanna through the hacking.) Queen Eva: Johanna. Johanna: Snow. Let's leave your mother alone? It's alright. She needs her rest. Come. Snow White: Mother? (Johanna leads Snow White away. The doctor returns to Queen Eva's side. When she pulls back her handkerchief, it is covered in blood.) Snow White: What's going to happen to her? Is she going to die? (The two of them embrace. Snow White cries against Johanna's shoulder.) Johanna: Shh... I don't know. Snow White: I don't want to lose her. Johanna: We must hope the doctor- Snow White: He doesn't even know what's wrong with her. How can we place hope in him? There has to be something that can save her. Johanna: Maybe there is. Snow White: How? Johanna: If medicine can't cure the Queen... Perhaps magic can. Snow White: Magic? Johanna: Yes. Your mother has a confidant - someone few know about. Someone schooled with the most powerful of magic. I'm not really supposed to even know of this. Snow White: Please, Johanna. Johanna: There is a benevolent fairy who can grant a person's wish, if their heart is true. Snow White: Mine is. I swear. Where do I find this fairy? Johanna: Tonight, go into the woods where the sky is clearest. Wish upon the blue star... And she will appear to you. -[New York]- (In New York, the group walks back to Neal's apartment. Henry and Mr. Gold are talking, while Emma and Neal trail behind them.) Henry: So, should I call you grandpa, now? Mr. Gold: Call me whatever you'd like. Neal: He's a good kid. Emma: Yeah. Neal: Hey, I'm trying my best here. Emma: I know. We all are. It's just, we're going to have to go back. To our home. Neal: I'm just getting to know him. Emma: Then maybe... Maybe you should come with us. Neal: To Storybrooke? Emma: I've seen your apartment. You don't got a lot going on here. Neal: Looks can be deceiving. Listen... There's something I've been meaning to tell you. It's complicated. Henry: So, Neal, do you think we can take the subway? Neal: Yeah. Sure, of course. Let's go get that camera. (They arrive at Neal's apartment and the four of them enter the lobby.) Henry: Come on. Neal: Here. I got it. (Neal unlocks the door. He and Henry head for the apartment, while Emma and Mr. Gold stay behind.) Neal: So after this, maybe Times Square? Mr. Gold: So, uh, did you talk to him? Emma: He said it's complicated. Mr. Gold: Oh, I see. Emma: Well, maybe he just needs some time. I don't know. (Suddenly, Hook ambushes the two of them in the lobby. Hook hits Emma, knocking her to the ground. He then lunges for Mr. Gold and pins him against the wall. Hook then proceeds to stab Mr. Gold in the chest with his hook.) Hook: Tick tock. Time's up, crocodile. You took Milah, my love, my happiness. And for that, I now take your life. (Emma, regaining her senses, grabs something (I can't tell what it is) and hits Hook over the head with it. Once Hook is knocked unconscious, she rushes over to Mr. Gold, who is now slumped on the floor.) Emma: Gold, are you alright? (Neal hears the commotion and enters the lobby.) Neal: What the hell is going on? Emma: One of your dad's enemies found us. Neal: Hook. Emma: You know him? (Neal checks Mr. Gold's wound. When he pulls his hand away, there is blood on his fingers.) Neal: Papa? (Neal brings Mr. Gold up to his apartment, where Henry is still waiting, and lays him on the couch. Emma enters.) Emma: Found a storage room and locked our stab-happy pirate in there. Shouldn't be causing anyone else any problems. And get this - he had a map on him. It looks like he sailed his ship here. Neal: How'd he get a pirate ship into New York? Emma: It's cloaked. Don't worry. He's not going to hurt any of us. Henry: But is Mr. Gold going to be okay? Neal: Henry, he's going to be fine. Henry: Mr. Gold, are you alright? (When Henry approaches Mr. Gold, Mr. Gold grabs him abruptly.) Mr. Gold: You stay away from me. You caused this. You brought us back here. You did this. (He releases his grip on Henry. Emma brings her cell phone over to Henry.) Emma: Hey, kid. The battery's dead. Go in the other room and see if you can find a charger, okay? Henry: Okay. (Henry exits the room.) Neal: Oh, man... We got to get him to an ER, fast. Mr. Gold: It's pointless. (Mr. Gold's wound has turned a yellow-green colour.) Emma: What the hell is that? Mr. Gold: It's poison. It's one of Hook's own making. There's no antidote in this world. It's... It's not from here. Neal: Hey, hey, hey, hey. There's got to be some way we can save you. Mr. Gold: There is, there is. Emma: Storybrooke. There's magic there now. We need to get him back. Neal: I'll get a car. Mr. Gold: No, no, no. There's not enough time. We need something faster. The Captain's ship. Emma: The Jolly Roger instead of a car? Mr. Gold: It's the fastest vessel in all the realms. Emma: Well, that's great, but who's going to captain it, since the only guy qualified wants you dead? Neal: I can do it. Mr. Gold: Bae? Neal: Yeah. I can do it. Emma: You know how to sail a pirate ship? Neal: Yeah. I do. -[Storybrooke]- (Mary Margaret and David drive to the convent, where they meet with Mother Superior outside.) MMB: Mother Superior! We need your help. Mother Superior: I know. Something's wrong. I sense a great deal of dark magic has been expelled. David: That's why we're here. Cora and Regina are trying to find Gold's dagger. Mother Superior: So they may control The Dark One. MMB: We're hoping your magic will find the dagger first. Please, Mother Superior, you're our only hope. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (It's nighttime. Snow White is wandering in the woods with a lantern. She scans the stars in the sky.) Snow White: Is that the star? ...Or is it that one? (The Blue Fairy appears.) Blue Fairy: Worry not, Snow White. I have found you. Snow White: The Blue Fairy. I knew you'd come, but... I didn't even make my wish yet. Blue Fairy: Well, I know when I'm needed. Your mother, the Queen, is sick. Snow White: Yes. And if you don't help her with magic, she'll die. Blue Fairy: I can tell that you love your mother very much, Snow White. But fairy magic is the purest magic of all. And, alas, cheating death is the darkest of undertakings. Snow White: Please... You can't just let her die. Blue Fairy: It is the way of the world. Snow White: There has to be something you can do. (Snow White notices the Blue Fairy's demeanor change.) Snow White: Yes. There is. You're just not telling me. What is it? Please. Blue Fairy: I may be able to conjure a remedy using a type of magic that is forbidden to fairies, except under the most dire of circumstances. You must promise to keep this a secret. No one must ever know. Snow White: Yes. Yes, anything. Just help her. (Snow White extends her hand. The Blue Fairy magically conjures an odd looking candle, which appears in Snow White's hand.) Blue Fairy: This candle is infused with magic that can save your mother's life. But all magic, especially magic this powerful, comes with a price. Snow White: What is it? Blue Fairy: In order for one to live... Another must die. Snow White: I don't understand. Blue Fairy: To salvage a life beyond hope means breaking the laws of nature. So if you are to save a life, then you must lose one in return. Snow White: But who must die? Blue Fairy: That is for you to decide. You must hold this candle over the heart of your sacrifice and whisper their name. And, when the candle is lit, that person's life will be traded for your mother's. Snow White: All she ever wanted was for me to be good. I can't trade someone else's life for hers. Blue Fairy: Then I'm afraid she will die. -[New York]- (Everyone is still gathered in Neal's apartment. Neal takes out his cell phone and texts someone.) Emma: What are you doing? Neal: Getting us a car. Emma: I thought you were suddenly a pirate and were going to take a ship. Neal: Yeah, well, we still got to get his ass to the ship. Emma: So you know Hook? Neal: It's a long story. Short version, is this world wasn't my first stop when I left home. Emma: No? Neal: If it was, I'd be a couple hundred years old by now. (Neal's cell phone rings.) Neal: That should be our ride. Hang tight. (Neal answers his phone and leaves the room. Henry then enters with Emma's cell phone.) Henry: Emma, you need to see this. Emma: What is it, kid? Henry: It's a text from David and Mary Margaret. You need to read it - now. (Henry hands the phone to Emma. She reads the text from Mary Margaret.) Emma: Bad news, Gold. Mr. Gold: What, worse than incurable poison? Emma: I don't know. You tell me. You got a dagger hidden somewhere in Storybrooke that's the source of all your power? Mr. Gold: Get to your point. Emma: Cora's after it. The only way to stop her, is have David and Mary Margaret get to it first. Mr. Gold: Yeah, let Cora try. Emma: You can't seriously be willing to risk this. Not with your son coming back with you to Storybrooke. Mr. Gold: Miss Swan, that dagger has not left my possession for centuries. It's not about to now. Emma: Here's the thing. You're dying. And right now, we are your best hope. Time's come for you to start trusting someone. And, if I were you, I'd start with family. -[Storybrooke]- (Mary Margaret, Mother Superior, and David are standing outside of Mr. Gold's shop. Mother Superior, using her wand, attempts to magically break through the protective barrier. However, her magic isn't strong enough. The wand burns her hand and she drops it to the ground.) Mother Superior: Ah! He's cast a protection spell. MMB: Well, then we need to try something equally powerful. David: Dark magic? Mother Superior: Dear, you don't know what you're saying. MMB: Cora can't get that dagger. If dark magic is the only thing that can break that protection spell, we need to make an exception and use it. Just like you told me once before. Mother Superior: What... I never told you any such thing. MMB: Look, I kept your secret. (Mother Superior looks insulted by Mary Margaret's insinuation. David's cell phone then rings.) David: Everybody hold on. (He answers the phone.) David: Emma? He told you where it is? (David looks to the town clock.) -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Snow White runs down the halls of the castle until she reaches her mother's chamber. She rushes to her bedside as Johanna, the doctor, and several attendants watch.) Snow White: Mother... I'm sorry. I've done an awful thing. Queen Eva: Snow? What is it? Snow White: I went to the Blue Fairy and begged her to help... To save you with magic. But what she gave me? It... It was dark magic. A candle that could restore your life by taking away someone else's. It was the only way... But I couldn't do it. I'm sorry. I could've healed you. But I was too afraid. Queen Eva: Snow... That wasn't fear. That was strength... Strength, to resist darkness. I am so proud of you. Snow White: But now you won't get better. Queen Eva: We all reach a moment in our lives, where we are not meant to get better. And with or without me, someday... You will be a great queen. Snow White: Please... Don't leave me. Queen Eva: As long as you hold the spirit of goodness in your heart, I shall never leave you. (Queen Eva draws her last breath, and then dies.) Snow White: Oh, no... No... (Johanna approaches Snow White, and pulls her into a hug as she cries.) -[Storybrooke]- (David and Mary Margaret climb up the clock tower until they reach the clock itself. David takes off a pane of glass and looks inside.) David: It's here! A clever hiding place for a very clever man. (David detaches the dagger from the hand of the clock and hands it to Mary Margaret.) MMB: We did it. David: The Dark One finally can be controlled. (Cora and Regina magically appear in a puff of purple smoke.) Cora: Indeed he can be. But by whom? MMB: Cora... David: You're too late. Cora: Actually, it seems that we found you just in time. MMB: I told you to pick your side carefully. Good has won, just as it always does. Cora: I think the day's finally come, my darling Snow, for you to learn a long overdue lesson. (Cora waves her hand and Johanna magically appears.) MMB: Johanna! Cora: You see, in the end, it isn't good or evil that wins... But power. (Regina magically sticks her hand through Johanna's chest and pulls out her heart.) Regina: Your choice. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Johanna and Snow White, both dressed in black, are in one of the rooms at the castle. Johanna lifts the diamond tiara out of its box.) Johanna: It's time, Snow. Snow White: Today was supposed to be a day of celebration. Johanna: And the kingdom needs you more than ever. They will find strength through your goodness. Snow White: Where will I find my strength? Johanna: Where you always have - from your mother. (Johanna hands the tiara to Snow White, who then proceeds to place it on her head. Snow White looks at herself in the mirror.) Snow White: She was right. It is heavy. [SCENE_BREAK] (The citizens of the kingdom have gathered for the Queen's funeral. Snow White enters and walks down the aisle between the people towards where Queen Eva's body lies on a raised platform.) Snow White: I miss you...so much. (She places a flower on top of the Queen's body. Snow White steps down to the floor and turns to face the altar. Everyone in the room then kneels. Snow White closes her eyes, and, eventually, is the only one left in the room. Johanna enters and touches Snow White's shoulder.) Johanna: It's over, my dear. It's time to let her go. (Snow White stands and the two of them exit the room. When the coast is clear, the Blue Fairy flies in, whom then transforms into Cora.) Cora: I hate that outfit. Don't know how that fairy stands it. (Cora approaches the altar.) Cora: As for you... Poison looks good on you. And death is most certainly your colour. (She picks up the flower that Snow White left.) Cora: You raised her well. My daughter doesn't love me the way yours does you. Snow would've been a great ruler someday, but that'll never happen, because my daughter will be Queen. And all yours will be left with is knowing how I've felt... How it feels to be the Miller's daughter. I'll turn Snow White's heart black as coal. That candle won't be her final test. And once I've darkened her soul, it won't just be you I've destroyed. It'll be your legacy. (Cora kisses two of her fingers and places them on Queen Eva's lips.) -[Storybrooke]- (The face off is still happening in the clock tower.) MMB: Do not harm her. She has nothing to do with this. Cora: Of course she does. Johanna: Whatever they want, Snow, don't give it to them. Cora: Quiet, handmaid. (David draws his gun.) Regina: Mother, watch out. (Cora magically knocks the gun out of his hand.) Johanna: Leave me, Snow! (Regina begins to squeeze Johanna's heart, causing her to yell in pain.) Cora: Enough of this. Surrender the dagger. We all know you'll follow your mother's example, no matter the cost. All she ever wanted was for you to be good. MMB: Those words... Where did you hear those words? Cora: Where do you think? MMB: The Blue Fairy made me swear never to speak of that candle again. Not because it was a secret... But because it wasn't her. Cora: The dagger, dear. MMB: She didn't give me that candle. You did. My mother wasn't sick at all, was she? Cora: Oh, she was quite sick. MMB: You did all of this. You killed my mother! Cora: Actually, the candle would've worked. You could've saved her. MMB: But you knew I wouldn't. Why? Why did you take her from me? Cora: To make my daughter the Queen. Regina: Hand over the dagger. MMB: No. No. I will not let you win. Not again! Cora: You've already lost your mother. How many connections to her do you have left? Not many, I'd wager. David: If we give up the dagger, we can still win. Johanna: Let me go, Snow. It's alright. (Regina squeezes Johanna's heart again.) Cora: What would she say if she could see you now? If she wasn't dead. (Regina continues to squeeze Johanna's heart. She yells out again in pain.) Cora: The dagger, dear. MMB: Enough! (Mary Margaret throws the dagger to the ground, and Regina releases her grip on Johanna's heart. Cora magically summons the dagger to her hand.) Cora: Such a good girl. MMB: You have what you came for. (Regina puts Johanna's heart back into her chest. Johanna then rushes over to Mary Margaret and David.) Cora: Not quite everything. (Suddenly, Cora magically throws Johanna through the face of the clock, causing her to fall to her death. Mary Margaret looks out and is devastated by what she sees. David attempts to comfort her.) Regina: Well, there you go. You see where good gets you? (Regina and Cora magically apparate away in a puff of purple smoke.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina and Cora arrive at Regina's mayoral office. Cora sits in the chair behind the desk and lays the dagger in front of her.) Regina: It's nice to be back. Hiding is quite wearisome Cora: I like what you've done with the place. Regina: I'm so happy you approve. Cora: What is it, my love? You're troubled. Regina: You never told me about your history with Snow's mother. Cora: I spared you that burden, like any good parent would do. Regina: You didn't think I deserved to know exactly what it took for me to become Queen? Cora: Now you know. Regina: That day at the stables, when I rescued her? That wasn't an accident, was it? (The scene flashes back to the past in Fairy Tale Land. A young Evil Queen is reading a book, when Cora interrupts her.) Cora: Regina, sweetie, it's time for your riding lesson. Evil Queen: Mother, I have no lesson today. Cora: Oh, I thought you'd be happy. I arranged for you to have more time with Rocinante. Evil Queen: Of course. Thank you. I'll send the stable boy for my saddle right away. (Regina in the present gives commentary as the scene continues. A young Snow White and Johanna are shown riding on horseback in the woods. They are with King Leopold and his entourage.) Regina: You made sure I'd be in the pastures when Snow rode past. Snow White: I'm so tired of these endless journeys. Johanna: Your father, the King, is a lonely man. But have faith. Someday, his wanderings will end. Regina: You had to make sure when I met Snow White... (Suddenly, Snow White's horse is spooked and it takes off through the forest. Cora is shown hiding behind a tree.) Regina: Her father would be searching for a new Queen. (The Evil Queen and Daniel are shown meeting by the stables. A distressed Snow White rides past.) Snow White: Help me! Help! Evil Queen: Shh. Someone's here. Snow White: Someone help me! (The scene returns to the present.) Cora: And what does this knowledge change for you? Regina: That you won, mother. I am the Queen. And, if that's what you wanted so badly, why do you need Rumpelstiltskin's dagger now? Cora: You're worried my interests are no longer aligned with yours. Regina: My only interest now is Henry. Cora: And I've told you - you'll have him. Regina: But how? Now that Mary Margaret and David know we have the dagger, we can't use Gold to kill them without Henry finding out. Cora: Have patience, my love. By the time Rumpelstiltskin returns, Emma Swan and the rest of them will be nothing more than a vaguely unpleasant memory. And Henry, will be yours. -[New York]- (In New York, Emma and Neal are walking to the car that Neal has arranged for.) Neal: It should be one more block west. Emma: Once we get the car, what do we do about Hook? Neal: I don't know. He made his way to New York. I'm sure he could make his way out of a basement. You have a problem leaving him behind? Emma: Actually, I've done it before. Neal: Great. Emma: I have to admit, after some of the things you've said, I'm surprised you'd rally to his side like this. Neal: There's a difference between running away from your father, and watching him die in front of you. He may be a monster, but he's my blood. Emma: What happens when he's healed? Neal: I don't know. Forgiveness ain't something I think is possible with him. Emma: But somewhere inside you, you hope someday, it will be. Neal: Life's full of surprises, isn't it? Emma: Well, no matter what, it'll be nice for Henry to be around you a little bit, even if it is just for a visit. Neal: Here's our car. (Neal runs over to a grey car, and grabs a set of keys from behind the wheel.) Emma: Please tell me we are not going to hotwire this thing. Neal: No. Uh... It belongs to a friend. Emma: That's a generous friend. Neal: Yeah, about that. Um... We need to finish our conversation from earlier. There's something you need to know about me before we get on the ship. (A woman, Tamara, calls out to Neal and runs up to them.) Tamara: Neal! Thank God I caught you. Neal: What are you doing here? Tamara: I don't know. I... Maybe I got a little worried after talking to you. You can't just say you're... Leaving town for a while. Neal: Hey. Yeah, listen. Everything's fine, okay? I promise. Tamara: Great, sweetie. Just tell me what's going on. Emma: Neal? Tamara: I'm Tamara. (Tamara and Emma shake hands.) Emma: Emma. Neal: She's my fiancée. -[Storybrooke]- (Mary Margaret and David are at the graveyard. Mary Margaret plants flowers on top of Johanna's grave.) David: It was a beautiful service. MMB: That never should've happened. Johanna was an innocent. David: You can't blame yourself. You did the best you could do in an impossible situation. MMB: And yet, Regina's family mausoleum remains untouched. David: Mary Margaret... MMB: I've had the same rule my entire life - hold on to goodness. It's what my mother taught me. How many more lives is following that lesson going to take away from me? David: You can't let Cora make you lose faith in who you are - someone who does the right thing. You know, that's exactly what she wants. MMB: I made the 'right' decision, when I stopped Regina's execution all those years ago. When it could've saved us all of this heartache. I made the 'right' decision, when I sent Emma through the wardrobe alone, and we didn't see her first steps. I made the 'right' decision, when I let my own mother die from Cora's poison. David: And we keep beating them. MMB: At what cost? All I want is our happy ending. It's time. We've earned it. No more lives lost. No more hearts broken. David: The dagger... It's useless until Gold returns to Storybrooke. We have time. We'll get it back. And when we do, we can bring Cora and Regina to justice. MMB: I don't care about justice anymore. We keep thinking that people will change. What if that's wrong? What if I'm the one who has to change? David: Change how? MMB: I'm going to kill Cora. -[End]-

Plan: A: Rumplestiltskin; Q: Who's dagger are Cora and Regina trying to find? A: Mary Margaret; Q: Who makes it her mission to find Rumplestiltskin's dagger? A: New York; Q: Where is Mr. Gold trying to reunite with his son? A: son Bae; Q: Who is Mr. Gold trying to reunite with? A: Hook; Q: Who devises a plan to rid himself of a crocodile? A: the fairytale land; Q: Where does the Blue Fairy offer Snow White an enchantment? A: the Blue Fairy; Q: Who offers Snow White an unconventional enchantment? A: Queen Eva; Q: Who is Snow White's mother? Summary: Upon discovering Cora and Regina's plan to find and take possession of Rumplestiltskin's dagger, Mary Margaret, with the aid of David and Mother Superior, makes it her mission to find it first; and while Mr. Gold continues his quest in New York to reunite with son Bae, Hook devises a plan to rid himself of a crocodile. Meanwhile, in the fairytale land that was, the Blue Fairy offers Snow White an unconventional enchantment that could help save her dying mother, Queen Eva.

Leonard: Oh, thank God we're home. Howard: I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell. Raj: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening. Sheldon: I don't know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half. Scene: The apartment door. Sheldon is on the phone. Sheldon: Oh, hi mom. No, I told you I'd call you when I got home, I'm not home yet. (Walks through door) Alright, I'm home. The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success, I'm all but certain there's a Nobel Prize in my future. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I'm entirely certain. No, mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe is not proof that it worked, that logic is Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk. Leonard: I'm going to go let Penny know we're back. Sheldon: Mother, I have to go. Yeah, love you. Bye. (To his spot) Hello, old friend. (Sits) Daddy's home. Scene: Penny's door. Penny: Leonard, you're back. Leonard: Yeah, I just stopped by to say... (she grabs him and kisses him) Yeah, so, hi! Penny: Hi! (They stumble, kissing, into her apartment and slam the door shut) Howard: Dammit, I should have gone over and told her we were back. Raj: Yeah, it was first come, first served. Credits sequence. Scene: A moment later. Sheldon: I just want you both to know, when I publish my findings, I won't forget your contributions. Howard: Great. Raj: Thanks. Sheldon: Of course, I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy. Raj: We have to tell him. Sheldon: Tell me what? Howard: Damn his Vulcan hearing. Sheldon: You fellows are planning a party for me, aren't you? Howard: Okay, Sheldon, sit down. Sheldon: If there's going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don't care for luau, toga or under the sea. Howard: Yeah, we'll keep that in mind, look, we need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole. Sheldon: If this is about the night the heat went out, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Raj: It's not about that. Howard: And we agreed to never speak of it again. Sheldon: So we slept together naked. It was only to keep our core body temperatures from plummeting. Howard: He's speaking about it. Raj: For me, it was a bonding moment. Howard: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator? Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him. Howard: That's why I added the tator. And then when we found our first positive data, you were so happy. Sheldon: Oh, yes. In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital D. Howard: Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn't so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was... static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off. Raj: He just went colon, capital O. Sheldon: You tampered with my experiment? Howard: We had to. Raj: It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian. You see that? I added the ensian. Sheldon: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard's my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn't know. Howard: Actually, it was his idea. Sheldon: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard. Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: I missed you so much. Leonard: I missed you, too. Penny: I couldn't even think of anyone else while you were gone. Leonard: Me, neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story, it's... don't ask. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. Leonard (whispering): Do not make a sound. Sheldon: Whispering do not make a sound is a sound. Leonard: Damn his Vulcan hearing. Not a good time, Sheldon. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Penny: Oh, this is ridiculous. What? Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I realize you're currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one? Penny: It's great to see you too. Come on in. Sheldon: Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception. Do you have anything to say for yourself? Leonard: Yes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself, I don't expect you to either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance. Penny: Okay, can someone please tell me what's going on here? Sheldon: What's going on is I was led to believe I was making groundbreaking strides in science, when in fact, I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy. Penny: Is that true? Leonard: It was the only way to make him happy. Penny: Why did you have to make him happy? Leonard: Because when he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death. Sheldon: That seems like a bit of an overreaction. Leonard: No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell mush. Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results. Sheldon: Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I've already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man's understanding of the universe. Leonard: Aw, see, yeah, you probably shouldn't have done that. So write another e-mail, set the record straight, it's no big deal. Sheldon: You're right, Leonard, it's not a big deal. All you did was lie to me destroy my dream and humiliate me in front of the whole university. That, FYI, was sarcasm. I, in fact, believe it is a big deal Penny: Oh, the poor thing. Leonard: Yeah, I feel terrible. Penny: Wait, wait. Aren't you going to go talk to him? Leonard: What? Uh, he'll be fine, the guy's a trouper, come here. Penny: No, you're right, you shouldn't talk to him. I will. Leonard: Man, I cannot catch a break. Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. Penny knocks and enters. Penny: Hey. Do you want to talk? Sheldon: About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn't even get to go to Comic-Con! Penny: Oh, hon... Uh... (singing) Soft kitty, warm kitty... Sheldon: That's for when I'm sick. Sad is not sick. Penny: Oh. Sorry. I don't know your sad song. Sheldon: I don't have a sad song. I'm not a child. Penny: Well, you know, I do understand what you're going through. Sheldon: Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you? Penny: Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was going to be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader. Big ol' slutbag. Sheldon: Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize? Penny: Well, they're pretty tasty. Sheldon: And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader? Penny: Look, Sheldon, I just don't think that the guys and Leonard really meant to hurt you. You know? They just told an unfortunate lie to deal with a difficult situation. Okay, you know what it's like? Remember that scene in the new Star Trek movie when Kirk has to take over the ship, so he tells Spock all that stuff he knew wasn't true, like saying Spock didn't care his mom died? Sheldon: I missed Comic-Con and the new Star Trek movie! Scene: The university cafeteria. The guys have shaved and had haircuts. Howard has kept his moustache. Raj: I like the new look. Howard: Thanks. I call it the Clooney. Raj: I call it the Mario and Luigi, but whatever. Hey, how's Sheldon doing? Leonard: Well, he came out of his room this morning wearing his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me to death with the Force, so I'd say, a little better. Howard: If I may abruptly change the subject, did you and Penny finally... you know. Leonard: Howard... Howard: Personally, I don't care, but my genitals wanted me to ask. Leonard: Well, tell your genitals what I do with Penny is none of their business. Howard (to his genitals): He says they didn't do it. Leonard (to Sheldon, entering): Sheldon, over here. (Sheldon sits at another table and tries to choke all three to death with the force. Raj pretends he is choking.) Howard: What are you doing? Raj: I feel bad for the guy. Leonard: Sheldon, why are you sitting by yourself? Sheldon: Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated. Leonard: Come on. We said we were sorry. Sheldon: It's going to take more than I'm sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you've done to me. Kripke (arriving): Hey, Cooper. Wead your wetwaction e-mail. Way to destroy your weputation. Sheldon: You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning. Kripke: That's not twue. People have been pointing and waughing at you your whole wife. Sheldon: All right, I've had enough. Attention, everyone. I' m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour. Kripke: Off a cwiff. Sheldon: My credibility may have been damaged... Kripke: Compwetely wecked. Sheldon: But I would like to remind you that in science, there's no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man's name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein. Kripke: Yeah, but wesearch into Dark Energy pwoved that Einstein's cosmowogical constant was actually wight all along, so you're still, surpwise, surpwise, a woser. Sheldon: Oh, you think you're so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your e-mail periodically for a doozy. Leonard: So much for our friendship with Sheldon. Raj: Well, we'll always have the night the heat went out. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: Hi. Leonard: Hey. Listen, since we got, you know, interrupted last night, I didn't have a chance to give you this. Penny: Oh, Leonard, you shouldn't have. Oh, boy! What is it? Leonard: It's a snowflake. From the North Pole. Penny: Are you serious? Leonard: Uh-huh. It'll last forever. I preserved it in a one percent solution of polyvinyl acetal resin. Penny: Oh, my God. That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me that I didn't understand. Leonard: It's actually a pretty simple process. You see, cyanoacrylate are monomers which polymerize on... (she kisses him) Howard (arriving): Red alert, Leonard. Sheldon ran away. Leonard: Man, I can not catch a break. Penny: So, how do you know he ran away? Howard: Well, he's not answering his phone, he handed in his resignation at the university and he sent me a text that said, I'm running away. Leonard: Okay, well, thanks for letting me know. Penny: Well, Leonard, aren't you going to do something? Leonard: Of course I'm going to do something. Uh, Howard, you check the comic book store. Raj, go to the Thai restaurant. I'll stay here with Penny in her apartment. (His phone rings) Oh, damn it. It's Sheldon's mother. A break cannot be caught. Hi, Mrs. Cooper. He is? Sheldon went home to Texas. Yeah, no, I know he resigned. Yes, I guess it kind of is our fault. No, no, no, you, you're right, someone needs to come talk to him. Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Yeah. All right. New plan. Howard, you and Raj go to Texas. I'll stay here with Penny in her apartment. Penny: Well, you're not gonna go with them? Leonard: Well, you know, I gave you the snowflake and we were kissing and... Oh, come on, I don't want to go to Texas! Howard: Oh, right, and I do? My people already crossed a desert once, we're done. Leonard: Trust me, you'll be fine. See ya. Penny: Well, wait a second, Leonard, come on, how can you not go? He's your best friend. Leonard: Yeah, but I already saw him naked. Just come here. Penny: No. I promise I will be here when you get back. Just go help Sheldon. Leonard: Really? Penny: Yeah. We waited a few months. We can wait a few more days. Leonard: Maybe you can. Penny: Go. Raj: Boy, you cannot catch a break, can you? Scene: Sheldon's mother's kitchen. Mrs Cooper: Here you go, Shelly. Sheldon: Thanks, Mom. Mrs Cooper: Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat. Sheldon: Aw, Mom. Mrs Cooper: This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all... Sheldon: Fed. Mrs Cooper: Give us, Lord, our daily... Sheldon: Bread. Mrs Cooper: Please know that we are truly... Sheldon: Grateful. Mrs Cooper: For every cup and every... Sheldon: Plateful. Mrs Cooper: Amen. Now, that wasn't so hard, was it? Sheldon: My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty. Mrs Cooper: Whatever. Jesus still loves you. Sheldon: Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich. Mrs Cooper: Oh, I know how to take care of my baby. His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he's Chinese. So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends? Sheldon: They're not my friends. Mrs Cooper: All right. If you recall, when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbour kids. Sheldon: That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me. Mrs Cooper: Oh baby, they knew very well why they hated you. Scene: A rental car. Leonard: I can't believe you bought a red cowboy hat. Howard: Hello? I'm wearing a red turtleneck. Plus, it was the only boys' large they had. Raj: I'm sorry, this does not look like Texas. Where's the tumbleweeds? Where's the saloons? Leonard: Saloons? Raj: Yeah, like in the movies I saw growing up in India. You know, uh, Four for Texas, Yellow Rose of Texas. Howard: This neighbourhood is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Raj: I was really hoping to see a cattle drive. Leonard: What can I tell you? They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass Costco over there. Scene: Sheldon's mother's house. Leonard: Will you please take that stupid hat off? Howard: No, I want to blend in. Raj: To what? Toy Story? Mrs Cooper: Hi, boys. Howard: Howdy, ma'am. Mrs Cooper: Howdy to you, too. You got here quick. Leonard: - We took the red-eye. Mrs Cooper: Well, come on in. Howard: Thank you kindly. Mrs Cooper: Can I... Can I get you something to drink? Leonard: Uh, no, thank you. Howard: If y'all don't mind, I got a hankerin' for a Lone Star beer. Mrs Cooper: There's no alcohol in this household. Stop talking like that and lose the hat. Howard: Sorry. I'll take a diet Yoo-Hoo if you have it. Mrs Cooper: You'll take a Cola. What about you? Radge, isn't it? Oh, you still having trouble talking to the ladies? Because, you know, at our church we have a woman who's an amazing healer. Mostly she does, uh, crutch and wheelchair people, but I bet she'd be willing to take a shot at whatever Third World demon is running around inside of you. Leonard: Uh, if you don't mind, Mrs. Cooper, there's a 3:05 nonstop back to Los Angeles, and you have no idea how much I want to be on it. Mrs Cooper: A girl? Leonard: Uh, yes, ma'am. Mrs Cooper: Oh, good. I've been praying for you. Oh, Sheldon. Sheldon: What are they doing here? Leonard: We came to apologize. Howard: Again. Leonard: And bring you home. So, why don't you pack up your stuff and we'll head back. Leonard: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists. Mrs Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion. Sheldon: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact. Mrs Cooper: And that is your opinion. Sheldon: I forgive you. Let's go home. Mrs Cooper: Don't tell me prayer doesn't work. Scene: In Penny's bed. Leonard: How about that? I finally caught a break. Penny: Uh-huh. Leonard: You know how they say when friends have s*x it can get weird? Penny: Sure. Leonard: Why does it have to get weird? Penny: I don't know. Leonard: I mean, we were friends, and now we're more than friends. We're whatever this is. But why label it, right? I mean, it is what it is and... Penny: Leonard? Leonard: Yeah? Penny: It's weird. Leonard: Totally.

Plan: A: the men; Q: Who returns home from the Magnetic North Pole? A: the Magnetic North Pole; Q: Where did the men return from? A: Penny; Q: Who kisses Leonard? A: her feelings; Q: What does Penny reveal to Leonard? A: Sheldon; Q: Who is humiliated when he learns that Leonard, Howard, and Raj tampered with one of his experiments? A: Mary; Q: Who convinces Sheldon to forgive Leonard? A: evolution; Q: What does Mary disagree with Sheldon about? A: things; Q: What are now weird between Leonard and Penny? Summary: When the men return home from their expedition at the Magnetic North Pole, Penny reveals her feelings for Leonard and kisses him when he visits her. Both are interrupted when Sheldon is humiliated on learning that Leonard, Howard and Raj tampered with one of his experiments, and retreats to his mother's home in Galveston, Texas. When Leonard arrives in Texas, it is Mary who convinces Sheldon to forgive him by disagreeing with his views on evolution. Leonard and Penny then finally have sex, but concede that things are now weird between them.

Opening scene - Cohen family room - the first thing we see is the TV, on the screen is a 2 player game (there is a split screen) I cant tell what it is but it seems like shoot em up. we then see Seth and Ryan sitting on the couch together with controllers looking very engrossed in the game. the camera then shows Summer who is not so thrilled with them playing the game, she looks bored as hell and is looking at her hair in her hand with a frown Summer: Cohen, the Brown interviews like in eleven hours (holds hand out) don't you think you should be prepping for it Seth: nope, I've got a new approach ta interviews its called don't think about it Summer: well I guess that's better than your last approach (Sadie comes in from the kitchen carrying snacks. Ryan gets distracted by her) Ryan: (looks) hey, what's all that like, oh (looks at Seth) Sadie: (puts food down) little half time buffet, pretzels, ding dongs, ? (sits next to Seth) tryin'a mix it up (Seth and Ryan scoot down to make room for Sadie) Seth: that's always appreciated, Ryan you ready for a rematch Ryan: oh do we have'to (Summer doesn't look thrilled with the idea of watching Seth and Ryan play more, poor thing. she rests her chin on her hand and looks at them) Sadie: I thought I called winners (Ryan and Seth look at Sadie. Seth laughs almost patronisingly. Ryan smiles and shakes his head a little. Sadie raises her eyebrows at Seth keenly) Seth: no offense I jus don't think you should (Ryan shakes his head) (looks at Sadie) step inta the ring with me Summer: yeah before Ryan an I came Playstation was pretty much his best friend Sadie: (takes the controller out of Seth's hands) come on, one game Seth Seth: my controller Summer: (sighs) Ryan will you come get drinks with me please (stands) Ryan: yes (stands) (Ryan and Summer head to the kitchen together) Sadie: kay you ready Seth: that's my lucky controller (Sadie smiles and sits back on the couch. then we are with Ryan and Summer in the kitchen) Summer: so, Atwood, seems like your really moving on Ryan: uhh yeah trying to Summer: (takes cans from the fridge) well I promise, no weirdness from me, I mean Coops my best friend but I've also (frowns) accepted the fact that...you an Marissa (screws up face) Ryan: not really meant to be Summer: which is why it's good that you've found the opposite of Marissa Ryan: you really think Sadie is Marissa's opposite (Ryan and Summer come back into the family room) Sadie: (pushes a few buttons, grins) and game - over (Sadie sits back on the couch and smiles/laughs. Seth just looks stunned at being beaten) Ryan: whoa dude you got killed already Seth: I'm humbled (looks at Ryan) man I am humbled an mortified (Summer laughs) Sadie: its ok I can't take all the credit (puts controller down) I found a cheat code on the internet (Ryan raises his eyebrows and looks over at Summer, Summer looks at him at the exact same time) Seth: Ryan this ones a keeper man Summer: (whispers to Ryan, motions with head) anti Coop Seth: who knew my new Playstation idol would be your new girlf (quickly stops himself) your new (Ryan raises his eyebrows at Seth. Summer looks at Sadie and Seth uncomfortably) Seth: alright like a Sadie: (looks down) friend Seth: friend, girl, friend (shrugs) Summer: nice save Ryan: yeah I'm I'm Sadie: (frowns) I think friend is the word (we hear the doorbell) Ryan: (points) I'm gonna get that Sadie: nice dodge (smiles) Ryan: thanks Seth: friend was the word I was lookin for (we see Ryan heading towards the door. when he opens it a blast from the past is standing there, only she is a little less s*x kitten and a little more girl next door looking. its Jess Sathers aka Treys old girlfriend, if you could call her that,lol) Jess: Ryan (smiles) Ryan: (shocked)...Jess Jess: oh good, you recognise me Ryan: even with the new look Jess: (looks down at herself) yeah, kinda came with the new life (Ryan avoids eye contact with her) listen I bought you something (takes it out) it's a belated birthday present, from your brother (we see a small wrapped present in Jess' hand. Ryan looks from it to her) Ryan: you still keep in touch with him Jess: yeah (looks down) I lived with him out in Vegas for a while...jus got back a few months ago (Ryan nods) (holds out present) here Ryan: (takes present) thanks (goes to close door) Jess: (puts hand on door) don't you wanna know how he's doing (Sadie comes over) Sadie: hey (Ryan smiles when he sees Sadie, it seems like he's relieved) Jess: Ryan, if you wanna talk, you know where I live (Jess leaves. Sadie looks at Ryan. Ryan looks a little thrown by everything) Sadie: who was that Ryan: nobody (shuts door) uhh (frowns) lets jus go back inside, ok Sadie: (heads back to the family room) come on your up next (Ryan looks down at the present in his hand, he turns it a few times then we see a close up of his face) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Pool house, next morning - Ryan is sitting on the bed with the present from Trey in his hands, he takes the rubber band off and then the wrapping and he sees a toy car, you know like the matchbox ones. he turns it over and looks at the bottom then closes his eyes and looks up then back down at the car and then suddenly over towards the door just as Seth comes in Seth: hey Ryan: hey (Seth nods at the toy car and takes it from Ryan) Seth: now I know Treys not made'a money or anything but (sits in the chair) he could've at least sprung for a shirt or somethin Ryan: it's an inside thing, long story Seth: I like long storys (looks at Ryan) Ryan: (raises eyebrows) too bad (stands) I don't feel like telling this one (Kirsten comes to the doorway) Kirsten: uh breakfast is ready in the kitchen (notices the car) oooh I haven't seen one of those in years (Seth looks at the car then hands it to her) d'you remember when your dad an I use'ta buy these for you, couldn't for the life of us get you to play with them, where'd you find this anyway Ryan: Trey (Kirsten looks at him) a friend of his dropped it off Seth: you remember Jess (Kirsten looks at him) charming girl who took too much X an floated face down in a pool Ryan: yeah she moved to Vegas with Trey an they lived together Kirsten: well how is he, is he ok Ryan: (shakes head, looks away) I don't know, figured he's outta my life...why get back into it Kirsten: (smiles, looks down uncomfortably) well, breakfast is ready (Kirsten hands the car back to Seth and leaves. Seth puts it down on the side and then we see a close up of Ryan who is looking a little lost right now, poor guy) CUT TO: Julie's trailer - Marissa is spread out on the couch reading, she hears a noise outside and goes to the door. we see Volchok trying to leave something just as Marissa opens the door. Volchok stops and looks at her, almost guiltily Marissa: what're you doing Volchok: thought you'd be at school Marissa: (leans on the doorframe) so you were jus gonna lurk around my house while I wasn't home Volchok: came to drop somethin off (holds out brown paper bag) (Marissa looks at Volchok skeptically as she takes the bag from him and then looks inside. Volchok looks at her. Marissa pulls out the watch that she gave him in 307 in exchange for leaving Ryan alone) Marissa: (looks at Volchok) I thought you were gonna sell this (Volchok looks at her) this watch was really expensive Volchok: no I uh (raises eyebrows) I decided to hang onto it Marissa: an now your giving it back (Volchok almost smiles) well there's a suprise twist, thanks (Volchok looks at her) anything else (Volchok starts to smile)...look I jus wanna be alone right now Volchok: yeah yeah (nods) no yeah you look busy (smiles) listen I'm gonna be at the beach (shrugs) tonight, maybe ill see you Marissa: don't count on it (Marissa leans out and closes the door. she looks at the watch again) CUT TO: Harbor school - Summer is pacing near lockers, she looks nervous about something. next to the lockers further down a door opens and Seth comes out. Summer looks over Seth: uh no you're the man sir, ok ill see ya soon (Summer goes over to Seth) Summer: (unsure) so (looks at Seth hopeful) Seth: turns out the guy is a (looks up) huge anime fan an we got inta the whole Akira verse (Summer frowns, nods) Ghost in the Shell debate, both came down on Ghost in the Shell (nods) Summer: I have no idea what your saying but I'm so (hugs Seth) happy for you (closes eyes) Seth: oooo, I'm gonna go call my parents, tell em to start packin my bags (Seth starts to walk away) Summer: (calls excitedly) congratulations baby (Taylor sees it as she comes into the hall. she goes over to Summer) Taylor: ooooh, holy Kodak moment Summer: oh, well I guess Seth's just aced his Brown interview Taylor: that's fantastic, we're so gonna party tonight, ill make a flan Summer: oh well you know what Taylor actually (looks at Taylor) Seth an I were thinkin about hanging out alone, my dads out of town we have the house to ourselves Taylor: aaaah say no more (winks at and nudges Summer) hm Summer: (looks at Taylor) what Taylor: (winks) hm Summer: Taylor (grabs Taylor's arm, frowns) what's wrong with your eye Taylor: it's a knowing wink Summer, you an Seth, the house all to yourselves (pokes Summer playfully) who knows what could happen Summer: me, there'll be left over Thai an the Blade trilogy Taylor: (screws up face) oh (gasps, concerned) oh, oh I didn't realise that you an Seth had (looks around, softly) lost the magic (Summer looks at her) I'm suprised you didn't come to me sooner you must be panicking Summer: (defensively, hand on hip) um ok I didn't come ta you, an (raises eyebrows) why would I panic Taylor: well it looks you two are going to college together, don't you worry that Seth's eye will wander (Summer squints) all the nubile young co-eds, you (points) the familiar old shoe Summer: um ill have you know Taylor that I am like five levels hotter than him (raises eyebrows) Taylor: Summer, the libido does not listen to logic, at this age men are driven by a reptilian force (looks at Summer wide eyed, almost creepily, softly) spread the seed (opens hand at Summer) spread the seed (again) spread the s- (again) (Summer looks at Taylor, clearly creeped out. she grabs her hand) Summer: Taylor, if Seth an I go ta college together we will be just fine an ill have you know we have a very healthy s*x life (leaves) Taylor: w- then super (calls) you have fun tonight, but Summer if you ever need to girl talk you know- Summer: bye Taylor (Taylor waves and we hear the bell ring) CUT TO: Cohen backyard - Ryan is sitting beside the pool staring down at the toy car. Sadie walks into the open pool house then heads out to Ryan Ryan: hey Sadie: glad your home Ryan: yeah I jus walked in, I didn't know you were stoppin by (moves school bag off the other chair) Sadie: (sits) I needed a break from the dry walling (Ryan looks at her) (smiles) your still inta toy cars (Ryan quickly puts the car in his pocket, sighs and smiles) Sadie: I think I'm gonna choose ta find that cute instead'a creepy Ryan: it's just something...someone gave me Sadie: this wouldn't by any chance have anything to do with that Hooters waitress that showed up at your doorstep yesterday Ryan: eh Jess is just a friend'a my brothers (Sadie looks at him) id tell ya the whole story but Sadie: but you'd just rather not (frowns) (Ryan looks at her) that's cool (nods) but just know that if you do decide to tell me I will listen, an without judgment (Ryan looks away) or you can keep it all to yourself, both are fine with me (Ryan looks at Sadie, forces a smile then it goes. Sadie looks down, Ryan looks down then back at Sadie) Sadie: ok, I'm gonna get going (Sadie grabs her bag and leaves. Ryan keeps looking down) CUT TO: The Newport Group - Sandy is writing at his desk and we hear a knock at the door. Sandy looks up and we see a man standing in the doorway Sandy: Dr. Henry Griffin, what a suprise (stands) Henry: I hope you don't mind Sandy: please, we're buildin a hospital together, when alls said an done (shakes Henry's hand) we'll be like family (Henry laughs) hang on a sec let me get Matt in here Henry: um, id rather that you didn't (Sandy looks at Henry and motions for him to take a seat) Henry: the board called an impromptu meeting yesterday it seems there's been some complaints about your associate (looks at Sandy) Sandy: complaints Henry: rumours, partys at his house, booze, gambling (shrugs) god knows what else, boards not sure they wanna do business with him Sandy: (thinks, frowns) well ill talk to him, make sure he cleans up his act Henry: this is not about a slap on the wrist Sandy we want him off the project Sandy: Matt worked his ass off on this deal I (shakes head)...I couldn't take him off it Henry: (stands) then I'm afraid we can't go forward with the hospital Sandy: (stands) you gotta be kidding me Henry: take a few days, mull it over (Sandy listens) remember Sandy this hospital could change everything for you, d'you really wanna give it all up for one twenty six year old hot shot (we see a close up of Sandy thinking) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen, night - Ryan is in there making himself a sandwich, Seth comes in Seth: hey man Ryan: hey Seth: what's goin on tonight big plans with Sadie (takes meat) Ryan: uhhh (sighs) maybe, I don't know I (looks at Seth) haven't really decided yet Seth: yeah, what's plan b (sits at the end of the counter) Jess Ryan: I don't know I jus need'a know if Treys ok (looks at Seth) Seth: well nothing you hear is gonna make it easier (looks at Ryan) that he's not apart'a your life (Ryan looks away) listen as we speak your new uh sometimes...kinda girlfriend is probably sitting by, cradling a hunk of plaster waiting for you to make a move (Ryan looks at him) so you can either dwell on the past an go see Jess or live for the now an give Sadie a call (Ryan looks down thinking) CUT TO: The lifeguard tower - we see Marissa in her usual spot, sadly staring out at the ocean. Marissa looks at the watch that Volchok gave her back, she's wearing it on her wrist. she looks down at it then grabs her cell phone, she opens it and we hear a beep and then we see a flashback. its of when Volchok went to Marissa at the lifeguard tower in the end of 317 Volchok: so you called the flash back ends and Marissa looks down at the end of the ramp, no one is standing there for her this time, aww. she looks harder as if maybe she has seen something but then she closes her eyes and smiles before standing up and running down the ramp CUT TO: Matt's apartment - we hear a knock at the door and see Matt inside, he goes to open the door. Marissa is standing there Matt: Marissa Marissa: hi Matt: hey (Marissa looks at him, almost unsure) come on in Marissa: thanks (Matt shuts the door) Matt: just in the neighbourhood Marissa: yeah, kinda just driving by Matt: oh Marissa: (closes eyes) ok, no I wasn't (Matt looks at her) the truth is Summers with Seth an I'm all alone (frowns) an I'm kinda going outta my mind Matt: well you know tomorrow I'm gonna go up to LA but if you want feel free to make this your crash pad for the weekend Marissa: (relieved) that'd be great Matt: alright (motions) make yourself at home CUT TO: Roberts' house - Summer and Seth are on the couch watching Blade together, Seth sighs and gets up to put the next disk in Seth: alright (looks at Summer) two down one to go Summer: you really wanna watch the entire (closes eyes) Blade trilogy Seth: cant leave the last disk unwatched it'll feel bad Summer: well I thought tonight was about celebrating (shrugs) your interview Seth: it is, hence the trilogy (sits next to Summer) Summer: you know (Seth sighs and puts his feet up) (moves closer to Seth) we could forget the movie, go upstairs (Summer starts kissing/nuzzling Seth's neck. Seth frowns, not realising what Summer is trying to do) Summer: (sniffs) mmmm, you smell so good Seth: you like the smell of salami Summer: (looks at Seth) Cohen Seth: what I had a salami sub I feel like its lingering Summer: oh you know what just forget it Seth: forget what Summer: (shrugs) I was trying ta create a mood Seth: I know, I know that now I was jus thrown off a little bit by your approach (smiles) Summer: nuzzling your ear an complimenting you I wasn't exactly reinventing the wheel Seth: well normally you jus throw me down an do your thing (Summer looks at him, frowning) (tries to grab Summers waist) but I can adjust Summer: (pushes Seth away) not interested Seth: Summer (Seth closes his eyes and leans forward, subtly sniffing Summer, he also makes a weird expression. Summer looks at him, frowning) Seth: mmmmm (raises eyebrows) you smell good too Summer: (scoffs, unimpressed) press play before I break your face (looks at the TV) Seth: fine (Seth grabs the remote and presses a button) CUT TO: Ryan in the car - he has his cell phone up to his ear and we hear this message msg: Sadie: hey its Sadie, leave a message Ryan: (stops the car) hey, so I know your painting but its Friday night, I'm makin you take a break (takes off seatbelt) ill be there in twenty minutes ok, bye (Ryan hangs up and gets out of the car. we can see that is parked out the front of Jess' mansion. we see him heading towards the door then the shot changes and we see Jess inside heading towards the front door, which Ryan is now standing at. Ryan forces a smile, Jess opens the door, happy to see him) Jess: hey Ryan (smiles) I was just about to take a swim, come on in (Ryan looks at Jess, sighs and then goes inside) Ryan: look I can't stay long Jess: but you couldn't resist getting the lowdown on your brother (shuts door) guy has a way of sucking you in (Ryan blinks) I know, drink (starts to walk away) Ryan: just tell me, is he ok Jess: (stops and looks at Ryan) well he misses you (Ryan looks at her) Treys not the type to cry into his pillow every night but, I can tell Ryan: (skeptical) you know him that well huh Jess: lets jus say he's of a certain mold, (raises eyebrows, shrugs) angry, damaged, reckless, it's the kinda guy I go for (Ryan looks away) my boyfriend now, Jim, same deal...we all have our types don't we (Ryan looks off to the side) tell you what why don't you stay a while (starts to walk away) Ryan: look Jess we were never friends Jess: (stops, looks at Ryan) got it...(shrugs) you can go if you want (Ryan closes his eyes then heads towards the door) Jess: d'you know Treys dealing (Ryan stops and looks at her) (moves closer) blackjack, off the strip Ryan: so he's stayin outta trouble Jess: (shrugs) trying to (Ryan looks down) don't move (points) I'm gonna get some clothes (starts up the stairs) Ryan: Jess Jess: (stops, looks at Ryan) jus stay a little while (Ryan isn't sure) I have alot more to tell you about Trey (Jess keeps walking up the stairs, as she does she takes her pink robe off revealing a 2 piece bikini. we see a close up of her back side, then we see her from the front, looking sure of herself. then we see a close up of Ryan watching Jess, then he looks away) CUT TO: Pool house, next morning - Ryan is punching his punching bag, the first few punches are slow, he jabs twice with his left hand then once with his right, the next hit is a little harder and we can now see he is sweating. he jabs again with his left then he does a hard punch with his right hand, we then see a flash back of Trey being wheeled on the stretcher, the night Marissa shot him. Ryan hits his head against the punching bag then jabs softly with his left hand, he does another semi hard hit with his right hand and we see another flashback. this one is of when Trey stole the Camaro and Ryan is with him, they crash it because of the police chasing them. Ryan punches harder again with his right hand, then harder still with his left, we see another hard punch with his left hand and another flashback. this time its of when Trey made a scene at the store in 217 because the manager wanted him to open his bags and Trey was offended by it, this then changes to when Ryan punched Trey at his apartment the night of the shooting in 224. we see Ryan punch the bag again, three times with his left then once with his right and then another flashback. first it's Ryan and Trey crashing down on top of Treys coffee table, again from 224 then it's the precise moment the bullet enters Treys chest and fly's out of his back. Ryan punches again with his left hand then we see a close up of Treys bloody, shocked face, its the bit before he turns to look at Marissa. this changes to Ryan sitting beside Treys hospital bed and Seth is leaning on the wall, its from 301. Ryan punches left right left right hard and fast then we see another flashback. the police car is next to the Camaro, then this changes to Trey pointing the gun at Ryan, then its of Trey and Ryan hugging when he first got out of prison in 217 and then we see Ryan punch again, he is looking really upset now. another flashback, it's of Trey sitting on the bus with his eyes closed from the end of 301, we see the bus pull away and Ryan standing there watching it go. Ryan punches 3 more times, hard, it goes right left right then he notices Kirsten watching him in the doorway. Ryan is literally dripping with sweat now he takes a few deep breaths Ryan: music too loud Kirsten: (yells) no it's just the grunting an (Ryan turns the music off so she talks normally) excessive (smiles) banging that I'm concerned about Ryan: (smiles) sorry (grabs towel) Kirsten: you ok Ryan: (sighs) yeah, yeah (sits) Kirsten: (walks in) girl problems Ryan: (thinks)safe bet usually but no actually this is more complicated (looks down) Kirsten: is it that girl Jess again Ryan: yeah (looks at Kirsten) an my brother, jus tryin'a prevent another casualty of Trey Kirsten: so you're trying to save this girl Ryan: is that something I do (smiles) Kirsten: (moves closer) look we love Marissa an she's family (shrugs) and she means alot to us but she's been through so much an you got pulled inta that Ryan: yeah well some'a that was my fault (Kirsten looks at him) but your right, your right I cant argue with it Kirsten: you should never argue with a woman who's here to discuss women (Ryan looks at her) have we mentioned that we love Sadie (smiles) she's smart an she's grounded Ryan: (shakes head) an I am trying, trying (smiles) not to screw it up Kirsten: jus because a girl isn't tied to some train tracks (raises eyebrows) doesn't mean that she should be ignored Ryan: I know I know its jus Jess is tryin'a put Trey behind her, start a new life Kirsten: great, as long as she doesn't get in the way of yours (Ryan nods) CUT TO: Matt's apartment - we see Marissa in the kitchen making herself a coffee in PJs and hear a knock at the door, she goes to open it. Sandy is standing there and he's beyond suprised to see Marissa and not Matt Sandy: Marissa Marissa: ...Sandy (Sandy looks at her confused) look I know its weird I slept here, but I jus didn't feel like being in the trailer by myself Sandy: if you need somewhere to go you can always come to our house Marissa: (closes eyes) I-I know you guys are like family...it's just that these days Sandy: (nods) things are difficult with you an Ryan I get that, but you don't belong here Marissa: ok um I was jus leaving anyway, if you're looking for Matt he went to LA for a meeting Sandy: well, ill track him down, an you go home Marissa: ok Sandy: alright (Marissa shuts the door, Sandy sighs and looks worried) CUT TO: The diner - Summer goes over to a waitress Summer: excuse me (waitress looks up) yeah hi um I'm picking up an order for Roberts Waitress: sure, just a second Summer: thanks (while Summer is waiting for her order Taylor comes up behind her and covers Summers eyes with her hands. Summer gasps) Taylor: guess who Summer: oh god (Taylor uncovers Summers eyes, Summer turns around and sees that it's Taylor!) Taylor: (excitedly squeals) hi (laughs) Summer: oh Taylor: looks like someone got the short straw Summer: (confused) what, no I ordered pancakes Taylor: no, you-you you drew the short straw (Summer looks at her, clueless) you know after the s*x when everyone's hungry but nobody wants to get the take out short straw picks up the food Summer: (plays along) yes, that is exactly what your seeing happening here (Taylor puts her hands together excitedly) total short straw scenario, with the hunger an all the s*x we had last night (softly) yes Taylor: so was last night like totally kinky or was it like more about tender love making you know smooth jazz a burning fire (closes her eyes, getting into it) a zebra skin rug Summer: we had a very nice time (nods) Taylor: oh my god you didn't have (softly) s*x at all did you Summer: (yells, avoiding Taylor) are my pancakes ready yet! Taylor: (looks) your lips aren't chapped there's no love bites on your neck (Summer touches her neck self consciously) your voice isn't all hoarse from screaming (Summer frowns) Waitress: pancakes right Summer: (takes bag) thankyou, goodbye Taylor (starts to leave) Taylor: Summer (calls) Summer wait I can help you CUT TO: Johnny's house - Sadie is inside painting and Ryan comes in through the backdoor Ryan: hey Sadie: hey, grab a brush we're in the home stretch (Ryan walks in) so I thought maybe I was gonna see you last night Ryan: got tied up sorry Sadie: what'do you work for the CIA (climbs the ladder) Ryan: (looks down then at Sadie) doesn't matter I uh I got distracted for a few days but I'm fine an now in fact (points) I'm all yours Sadie: ok, fine, your forgiven (Ryan nods) but uh in exchange for your silence I demand a dinner Ryan: ok, tomorrow night Sadie: (looks down at Ryan) ok, perfect, yeah (smiles) CUT TO: Julie's trailer, now night - Marissa eats some cereal out of the box, looks down at her cell phone then picks it up and dials. we hear this message msg: Summer: hey it's Summer (Marissa frowns) leave a message CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Kirsten and Sandy are in there together making dinner, aww Sandy: so nothing happened, still, Matt should know better Kirsten: mm but he doesn't, you have to remember that he's not that much older than the boys, he just needs some advice from the great Sandy Cohen (puts her arms around Sandy's neck) Sandy: oooh sometimes you over estimate (giggles) meooo (Kirsten wraps her arms around Sandy's neck) Kirsten: not possible (Seth and Ryan come in from outside) Seth: (screws up face) oh, get a room (sits at the counter) Sandy: hey count your blessings, kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults Seth: I know I meant get a room, my room an do it in front of me (Ryan laughs, Kirsten and Sandy smile. we hear Ryan's cell phone ring, he looks at who is calling) Seth: (looks at Ryan) is it Sadie Ryan: no its Jess (Kirsten, Sandy and Seth all look worried) Ryan: (sighs, answers) Jess...whoa whoa sl-sl-sl slow down slow down I cant...what'do you mean (Kirsten looks at him) no no no no no stay put stay put ill be right there (hangs up) (the next thing we see is Ryan come out of the front door and get into the range rover. Kirsten comes out a few seconds after him) Kirsten: hey, I thought you weren't gonna let this happen to you again Ryan: (looks at Kirsten) after this I'm done (starts car) if I need help ill call ok (Ryan reverses and Kirsten watches, worried) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The Bait Shop - Marissa and Summer are there together Marissa: thanks for coming out Summer: yeah I needed to talk about Seth anyway Marissa: so have you talked to him today Summer: no I think we're just too embarrassed to face each other, either that or he's treading water till he gets ta Brown an finds a big pair'a pale New England boobs to replace me Marissa: aww babe you just had an off night (nods, reassuringly) it'll be ok Summer: this ever happen with you an Ryan Marissa: actually no (raises eyebrows) I mean we had our problems that just wasn't one of em Summer: what about towards the end when you guys started drifting apart Marissa: kinda the opposite, I guess (notices Volchok watching her from the bar) the more emotionally unavailable you are the...more you end up wanting each other (Volchok looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at him then drinks and looks back at him. Summer notices) Summer: (frowns) what're you looking at (Summer looks in the same direction but Volchok looks away and the crowd blocks her view) Marissa: nothing hey you think maybe we should get outta here (shrugs) Summer: sold (Summer puts her drink down and they leave) CUT TO: Jess' mansion - Ryan is at the front door and Jess opens it. Ryan walks in and Jess looks around a little before she closes the door. it seems like she's worried about someone being around Jess: (worried) did you see him Ryan: not yet, how many times has he come around (frowns) Jess: started a couple hours ago, he's been calling too Ryan: an when'd you end it Jess: earlier today, I guess I was inspired by our talk last night (Ryan listens) so I called him up, told him I didn't wanna see him anymore an (raises eyebrows) now here I am, down a boyfriend up a stalker (Ryan nods and notices a car pull up outside) Ryan: is that him in the Mustang Jess: (looks) yep, he's coming in Ryan: yeah, just (points) go in the back (Jess starts to leave and we hear a car door shut. the ex walks towards the front door and Ryan opens it just before he can) Ryan: look man she doesn't wanna see you Jim: (looks at Ryan) who the hell are you her bodyguard Ryan: no but ill kick your ass if you take one step further (blinks, means it) (the next thing we see is Jess sitting with her knees to her chest in another room, she looks scared. Ryan comes in) Jess: (looks up) he's gone Ryan: yeah, I don't think he'll be back (Jess looks down) are you gonna be ok Jess: (nods) ill be fine (forces a smile, rubs arms) I promise Ryan: (unconvinced) you sure Jess: (looks at Ryan, shakes head) Ryan, I know you don't believe me but (nods) I really am trying to change, you don't have'ta stay (Ryan nods and heads towards the front door, before he gets there he notices a photo of Trey sticking out of Jess' purse. Ryan looks back in the direction of where Jess is and then we see Jess with a blanket over her, still on the couch. Ryan pulls out the photo of Trey and looks at it, he frowns and looks to the side then back down at the photo, then puts the photo back. the next thing we see is Ryan walking back into the room that Jess is in) CUT TO: Jess' backyard, next morning - Ryan comes outside and Jess is already out there Ryan: morning Jess: hey, scrambled or fried, I made both Ryan: neither, I should get going (sighs) but coffee'd be nice (sits, drinks coffee) Jess: Ryan, don't look all awkward, like it's the morning after its not like anything happened last night (Ryan looks at her) stay (we hear Jess' cell phone ring) Jess: eat (Ryan frowns) let me get rid'a this (answers) hello...Trey (Ryan looks at her) hi (glances at Ryan) of course I do (Ryan looks away) id have'ta think about it (glances at Ryan) look...I gotta go I'm sitting here with your brother (looks at Ryan) sure...hang on (holds phone out to Ryan) d'you wanna talk to him (Ryan looks at her, then away then back)...now's not a good time (looks at Ryan) ill call you later (hangs up) (Jess sits back on the chair and Ryan looks at her) Jess: (nods) he wants me ta come back Ryan: well what happened to tryin'a change your life Jess: I am trying (smiles) its jus that it's Trey (Ryan looks away) its hard (shrugs) especially all by myself Ryan: well what about your parents where are they Jess: well my dads in Tokyo on business an my moms at the spa aka in bed with her tennis instructor, so as you can see I don't have much to distract me, unless you wanna give it a try (Ryan looks away, Jess smiles at him) Ryan: look I can't stay here an babysit you what about your girlfriends at USC Jess: (sits forward) I guess I could give them a call, see if they wanna come down Ryan: call em, invite em down, jus take a breath (stands) Jess: Ryan ill try but (shrugs, worried) what if I freak out Ryan: you won't (smiles) (Jess sighs and leans back) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy is on the phone and Seth is reading the paper at the end of the counter Sandy: Matt, call me back we got alot to discuss (hangs up) Seth: everything ok (looks at Sandy) Sandy: oooh its just business, hey, I heard you aced your Brown interview Seth: mmm, mm Sandy: looks like the stars are aligning for you, an Summer (Seth nods) could be another four years together Seth: yeah, hey let me ask you a (looks at Sandy) question (Sandy looks at him) when you were at college with mom did it ever...get sorta stale with the monogamy an the constant being together Sandy: (thinks) your mother was a firecracker (raises eyebrows) Seth: (regretting the question) ok (smiles awkwardly) Sandy: my buddies use'ta say if you see that mail truck rockin (shakes head) don't come'a knockin Seth: so sorry I asked (Kirsten comes in from outside) Kirsten: good morning honey Sandy: hi honey (smiles) Kirsten: have either of you guys seen Ryan I jus checked the pool house an it looks like he didn't sleep there last night (Sadie comes in carrying a brown paper bag and looking very cheery) Sadie: good morning everyone Sandy: Sadie, hello Kirsten: oh hi Sadie Sadie: I brought bagels, hope you don't mind me crashing your breakfast Kirsten: oh not at all, let me get you some coffee Sadie: hey is Ryan around (Seth chews on his fingers, Sandy shakes his head) Kirsten: uhhh e- w- e- umm (looks at Seth, Sadie does as well, Seth looks away)...actually Seth: (sighs) you've really gotta learn to lie better (looks at Kirsten) (Sadie looks from Seth to Kirsten and Sandy) Kirsten: we'll jus let you two (leaves) Sandy: (follows Kirsten) you really are a terrible liar my dear Kirsten: you could'a jumped in Sadie: (picks up coffee) so let me guess, Ryan got some nine one one call from that Jess girl an it required him spending the night Seth: that has not been confirmed (holds up finger) Sadie: you don't have'ta protect him Seth (smiles) its fine honestly I'm not jealous, I'm jus not really sure that Ryan an I are right for each other Seth: (looks at Sadie) because Sadie: ...because he jus seems ta have alotta really intense issues Seth: yeah well intense issues seem ta follow Ryan around Sadie: well I don't really know if I'm up for that right now Seth: well listen, I think Ryan really likes you an I think if you hang in there you two will eventually settle into a uh (shakes head) super laid back boring ass relationship (Sadie listens) but you gotta cut the guy some slack because he just got out of a two year drama fest with Marissa an the one time that he tried to date someone normal, she turned out to be my dead grandfathers illegitimate daughter so, you know how that goes Sadie: (squints) right yeah of course, of course I know how that goes (Seth looks at her) d'you think you could do me a favour an not tell Ryan that we talked (Seth looks at her) I assume you know how to keep a secret CUT TO: Roberts house - Summer is in her bedroom lying on her bed reading a magazine, we hear a knock at the door Summer: (calls) nobody's home (Taylor walks in) Taylor: don't worry it's just me Summer: (sits up) oh, hi Taylor: so listen (sits on the bed) I hate to pop in like this but I am meeting with Ashley an Madison at school later today to brainstorm for a prom theme, d'you wanna come Summer: oh you, you probably don't need me for that Taylor: Summer are you kidding me, it's the end of the year we are all fried, come on please Summer: fine Taylor: (squeals excitedly) yay (claps hands) here you go (hands Summer flier) Summer: d'you have'ta print out a flier for everything Taylor: you'll thank me when you make your two thousand an six scrapbook (stands) Summer: (sarcastically, moves head side to side) ooooooh CUT TO: The Newport Group - Sandy is standing and Matt is sitting on a couch, i think its Sandy's office Matt: (worked up) I mean there was the party with Bill Merriam the-the few dates I went on with Maya (puts hand in the air) nothing that the board could oust me for Sandy: what about Marissa Matt: what about Marissa Sandy: I went to your house yesterday to talk to you an she answered the door in pyjamas Matt: she's goin through a tough time, she needed a friend Sandy: well then be a friend, but for god sake Matt do not be throwin pyjama partys with seventeen year old girls Matt: nothing happened Sandy: that doesn't matter, an right now the board is watchin you waitin for you to screw up and your screwin up! Matt: (looks away) this is a witch hunt, if they wanna take me down they will unless you stop em (Sandy looks at him) I mean so please, call Griffin, tell him your gonna keep me out of the project (Sandy looks as though he's thinking and then turns away) CUT TO: Harbor school - Summer walks into a room that Taylor is already in Summer: eww, school on a Sunday is like beyond creepy Taylor: Summer your right on time (claps hands, smiles) Summer: where's um Ashley an Madison (Taylor looks as though she's about to say something but before she can Seth comes into the same room from the far door) Seth: (frowns) Summer (Taylor looks at him) Summer: (confused) Cohen (Taylor grins at Seth mischievously and he realises what she's up to) Seth: (sighs) you know ya said the AV club was meeting I...brought History Of Violence (holds up DVD) Summer: (realises) this is a total ambush Taylor: (touches Summers shoulders and moves her closer to Seth) look, you two are like my family (touches her chest dramatically) (Summer rolls her eyes) an if I sense theres trouble with my Sethummer (puts arm around Seth's shoulder so she's walking with both now) I am gonna do what I can to help Seth: we're not in any trouble, (sits at the table) at least that we've acknowledged to each other Taylor: (points to Seth) that is exactly why I brought you here today, communication (looks at Summer, Summer frowns then looks at Seth) intimacy (Seth frowns and looks from Summer to Taylor) these are two skills (points to both) that you two could improve upon (hits the table) now, I am not a licensed s*x therapist but (holds up finger) my father was an before he ran away (Summer squints) he use'ta conduct these sessions with real couples in our basement Seth: (looks up with a freaky smile) that's creepy Taylor: (leans down to be closer) ok, we're going to start off with touching (Summer looks at Seth) I want you to place your hands (Seth looks at Summer) anywhere on each others bodies (Seth looks at Taylor) (points) excluding breasts an genitals Seth: (looks at Taylor then down) I have'ta go (starts to stand) Summer: Cohen (Seth stops half standing) put your hands on me, now (Seth blinks and then sits back down) Taylor: come on it'll be fun (Seth leans towards Summer and Summer leans towards Seth. Seth just puts his hand randomly on Summers face, you can imagine how he does it,lol his first finger is right next to Summers eye and his thumb is under her chin and kind of scrunching up Summers cheek/mouth. Summer rolls her eyes) Taylor: Summer (Summer puts her hand near Seth's elbow on the arm that is touching her. Taylor is standing in front of them both so we can see Seth and Summer side on, and Taylor's head between them) Taylor: good, ok now I want you to concentrate on your eye contact, get lost in each others gaze (Seth and Summer look into each others eyes but unfortunately there is not much chemistry happening) Seth: mmm getting lost, I'm getting lost (Summer looks at Seth and moves her eyebrows a little, because of where Seth has his hand the side of her mouth is curled up a tad which adds to her expression of almost boredom) Taylor: as you gaze into each others eyes, do you feel stirrings (hopeful) deep (raises eyebrows) in your loins (Seth squints at Summer, Summer squints at him both trying to feel something. Seth opens his mouth wide, Summer looks at him hopeful) Seth: (lets go of Summers face) no I don't really feel anything Summer: yeah I got nothing Taylor: not even the faintest spark (Seth looks at Summer) a tiny flicker Summer: what'does it say about us (Summer and Seth look at Taylor) Taylor: (matter of factly) well (shakes head) I also do break up counselling CUT TO: The diner - Sadie and Ryan are sitting in a booth together, opposite each other. the waitress is standing beside Sadie Waitress: and for you Sadie: ill have the same, thankyou (hands the menu to the waitress, smiles at Ryan) Ryan: (smiles) so I'm sorry that I didn't take you any place nicer for our first date Sadie: are you kidding, this place is the culinary destination of Newport Ryan: wait till you try the pancakes (raises eyebrows) Sadie: next time (raises eyebrows) Ryan: next time Sadie: that's the plan? (smiles) (we hear Ryan's phone ring) Ryan: yeah, alright uh-hm scuse me (answers) Jess (Sadie looks at Ryan) (we see a raging party going on at Jess', her friend Kim is the one that rang Ryan) Kim: is this Ryan Atwood Ryan: who's this (frowns) Kim: Kim I'm Jess' friend, look we really need you to come over here Ryan: w-w- what's goin on in the background Kim: well word got out about Jess' tonight an now half of USC is here (Ryan listens) an supposedly Jim is on his way over here an on a rampage (Sadie looks at Ryan) Ryan: ...alright well grab Jess an get out of there Kim: I would but she's locked in the pool house, she's drunk an she's crying an she says the only person she'll talk to...is you Ryan: w-w (sighs, looks at Sadie, closes his eyes, raises eyebrows) yeah, ok ill be right there (hangs up) Sadie: (looks at Ryan)...is everything ok Ryan: ...yeah, not really (looks down) Sadie: ok, you know if you have to go Ryan go, its fine, really I get it Ryan: (raises eyebrows) you do Sadie: (shakes head) no, I don't (Ryan looks at her) but I get that something's pulling you under an I get that you cant let it go, so whatever it is please jus go deal with it an find me when your done (Sadie picks up her bag and leaves. Ryan watches her and then looks down at his phone) CUT TO: The Bait Shop - Marissa is there by herself and seems to be looking around for somebody. she puts her hands in her jeans pockets and looks around just as Volchok appears out of the crowd behind her Volchok: I'm right here Marissa: (looks at Volchok) I wasn't looking for you Volchok: but I'm here now Marissa: whatever this game is you're playing, you can stop it Volchok: you don't want me to go away (shakes head) Marissa: (looks at Volchok) really what makes you say that Volchok: you're lonely Marissa: (looks away then at Volchok) right (raises eyebrows) well thanks for the analysis, I feel much better (goes to walk away) Volchok: (steps in front of Marissa) no look, if you need a break from everything goin on in there (points to Marissa's head) I could help Marissa: (closes her eyes, almost sadly) I think I'm doing just fine on my own (leaves) (Volchok turns to watch Marissa leave) CUT TO: Jess' mansion - we see random people dancing and having a good time then we see Ryan making his way through the crowd. Kim walks up to him Kim: you must be Ryan Ryan: yep Kim: Jess' so glad your here, she's in there, still wont come out (Ryan heads towards the pool house that is decorated in fairy lights. he tries the door handle and the door just shakes a little) Ryan: (calls) Jess (knocks) Jess it's me open up (Jess opens the door and pulls Ryan inside, she looks like hell) Jess: you came (shuts door) Ryan: yeah what is it, what're you so upset about huh Jess: (pulls Ryan to her) I thought that I could have some friends over but- an then I started missing you Ryan: well let's go outside there worried about you Jess: no no no no no (stops Ryan leaving) I don't (Ryan sighs) I don't wanna be with my friends I wanna be in here with you Ryan: yeah, well that's not a good idea Jess: (looks at Ryan) are you kidding, this is the first good idea I've had, Jim an Trey none'a those other guys knew how to take care'a me...you know how to take care'a me Ryan (Ryan nods and Jess puts her arms around his neck upset. Ryan sighs) Ryan: it's alright (Jess cries on Ryan's shoulder) (sighs) its ok (Jess starts kissing Ryan's neck and touching his hair) Ryan: (closes eyes) Jess, Jess (tries to pull away) Jess (Jim Jess' ex boyfriend comes in and sees her all over Ryan) Jim: hey (Ryan and Jess look at him standing in the doorway) Jim: movin on already is that what this is (Jim moves closer to Ryan/Jess, Ryan goes over to Jim) Ryan: you wanna settle this with someone settle it with me (Jim looks at Jess, Jess looks upset. Kim the friend from earlier goes over to comfort Jess) Ryan: you wanna talk outside Jim: (clenches teeth) yeah (leaves) Ryan: lock the door (Jess and Kim look at Ryan, Ryan leaves and slams the door shut behind him - back outside we see more random people drinking, dancing, having fun then we see Jim and Ryan facing each other beside the pool) Jim: so what you're seein her now Ryan: she's just a friend'a my brothers Jim: not that guy Trey Ryan: look (looks at Jim) Jim: what your here to take your brothers left overs (Jim punches Ryan in the face, hard. he swings again but Ryan ducks. Jim goes for Ryan again but Ryan manages to pin him on the ground, Ryan is sort of sitting on top of him and holding him down at the chest) Ryan: now listen'a me, you gotta stay away from this girl she's tryin'a start over you gotta let her Jim: (clenches teeth) none of your business what- Ryan: (breathing heavy, realises) your right, which is why I'm leaving (stands) (Ryan walks away then we see him out the front of Jess' heading towards the car. Jess comes out of the front door after him) Jess: (calls) Ryan, Ryan are you ok Ryan: yeah I'm fine, look (looks at Jess) Jess if your smart you'll stay away from him, an my brother Jess: of course I will a- after the way you fought for me (puts arms around Ryan's neck) Ryan: (pulls Jess' arms away) look you gotta stop dating guys like him (Jess looks down) an I gotta stop dating girls like you (nods) take care'a yourself (Jess folds her arms and watches Ryan leave) CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Seth is sitting on the bed reading something and we hear a knock at the door. Seth looks over just as Taylor walks in Taylor: helloooo (smiles) Seth: Taylor I really don't want to talk to you about my s*x problems with Summer Taylor: ok ok (holds up hands)so the intimacy exercises were a miserable failure but I don't think you should lose hope (Taylor rolls a chair over to Seth's bed and sits in front of him. Seth is now sitting on the edge of the bed so they are facing each other) Seth: why d'you have some sort of secret cure Taylor: (points) as a matter of fact I do (brings hands together) its called raunchy s*x (Seth looks away) now now (holds up hands) you don't see me as a sexual being Seth I mean I get that (nods) but without revealing too much (Seth looks at her) if s*x were a martial art (Seth screws up his face) (proudly) I would be a black belt Seth: (thinks, shakes head) weirdly I'm not suprised Taylor: now I would like ta talk to you about a little something callled (holds up book) the Kama Sutra Seth: (shakes head in disbelief) how do you know all this Taylor: lets just say Dean Hess hid a treasure trove of secrets underneath his pink shirts (smiles reminiscently) (Seth screws up his face tightly) (opens book) ok, position one Seth: (closes eyes, looks away) ok I really don't wanna picture you doing that with the Nazi Dean Taylor: (closes the book frustrated) Seth! (points) do you want your sparks back with Summer Seth: (looks at Taylor, reluctantly)...yes Taylor: then listen an learn (holds book back up, Seth watches) ok this the yoni an this is the lingam (Seth screws up his face) CUT TO: NB Yacht Club - Henry Griffin and Sandy are sitting at a table together Sandy: look Matt may not of shown the best'a judgment but its nothing id fire him over Henry: and the uh sacrificing one life to save the many argument Sandy: I don't get it, the board loves you Henry, one phone call from you nobody has to sacrifice anyone Henry: what makes you think I would do that Sandy: business (looks at Henry) our plan is the best one you know that, makes me wonder about the board though that they'd scrap a lucrative project over something like this, it makes no sense from a business perspective but (looks at Henry) maybe its personal (Henry looks at him) this is about Maya, isn't it Henry: she cried for days over him Sandy: I'm sorry Henry (looks down, frowns) but you didn't have'ta lie to me Henry: I'm just a father looking after his daughter Sandy: (nods) reason an logic don't stand a chance, I understand that Henry: all different kinds'a loyalty Sandy I chose mine, now you choose yours, what's it gonna be, hospital (raises eyebrow, looks at Sandy) or Matt (Sandy looks at Henry then away) CUT TO: Summers bedroom - we hear/see Summers phone ring, Summer reaches across from her bed and picks it up to see who's calling Summer: (answers) hey Coop (we now see Marissa sitting at the diner by herself on her phone) Marissa: you ok Sum Summer: yeah just Cohen called, he's coming over an he wants to talk, it doesn't bode well Marissa: well maybe he's coming to patch things up (shrugs) Summer: or maybe he's coming over to break up with me, anyway it means that I can't hang out tonight ok Marissa: oh hey I- I totally understand, jus call me later Summer: (softly) ok (hangs up) (we see Marissa put her cell down on the table and then she brings her shoulders up sadly) CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Sandy comes in and Kirsten's already in there in a robe Sandy: hey Kirsten: hey, how'd it go Sandy: fine...fine Kirsten: Matt called a couple'a times, sounded nervous (Sandy nods, then we hear his cell phone rings. Sandy takes it out and looks at who is calling) Kirsten: Matt Sandy: yeah Kirsten: ill let you talk to him (motions) I'm gonna go lock up the house (Kirsten leaves, Sandy sits down on the edge of the bed and looks at the ringing cell phone in his hand then puts it away without answering - at Matt's apartment we see him looking worried) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan is in there and it's pretty dark, there's only one corner lamp thing on. he has the toy car in his hand. Kirsten comes to the door and goes to shut it Kirsten: oh hey (Ryan puts the car down) I- I didn't know you were here Ryan: yeah Kirsten: didn't you have a date with Sadie tonight Ryan: (nods) almost (sighs) but then Kirsten: that girl Jess again Ryan: yeah I think I finally learned my lesson but now it might be too late Kirsten: it's never too late (Ryan looks at her) you just have'ta talk to her (Ryan looks down, Kirsten smiles and closes the door. Ryan looks back over towards the door then suddenly grabs the toy car and leaves) CUT TO: Summers bedroom - we see a close up of Princess Sparkly lying on Summers lap. Seth knocks and goes in Seth: hey, am I interrupting (shuts door) Summer: (looks at Seth) Princess Sparkles here (raises eyebrows) for emotional support (looks down, sadly) helping to cushion me before the fall Seth: well you may wanna put her in her drawer cause I don't think she should see what's about to happen Summer: (looks at Seth) that bad Seth: now for the next twenty minutes or (raises eyebrows) twenty four hours if I turn out to be Sting ya have'ta keep an open mind Summer: what're you talking about (frowns) Seth: (helps Summer stand up) now if you'll be so kind as to disrobe we will begin with the wheelbarrow position Summer: (looks at Seth) oh my god, eww Seth: now as it turns out I have recently been schooled in the art of tantric s*x (holds up the Kama Sutra book) Summer: (taken aback, folds arms) where some pervy internet chat room Seth: nn no it was very tasteful, Taylor came over Summer: (shocked, raises eyebrows) what, Taylor like came over to your house an gave you one on one s*x education Seth: is that a no ta the wheelbarrow (shakes head, frowns) Summer: ill wheelbarrow you! (Summer goes to hit Seth with her hand but Seth puts his hand up and grabs her wrist, stopping her from hitting him. Summer looks at the hand Seth is holding and tries to hit him again with her other hand, again Seth puts his up to stop her. they both look at each other frowning/angry and then all of a sudden their expressions change and they start kissing each other urgently. there is some mmm'ing from both of them and they fall onto Summers bed in each others arms. aww. Seth is on top of Summer) CUT TO: Johnny's house - Sadie is sitting on the floor against the couch working on her jewelry and Ryan comes in the door Sadie: (looks over) hi (looks down) (Ryan looks at Sadie then closes the door and walks over to her, as he does he pulls the toy car out of his pocket and then sets it down on the table. Sadie looks at the car) Ryan: my brother an I use'ta play with these when we were little (Sadie looks up at him) especially when my mum was drinking we'd...(sighs) go in the back bedroom an play cars an...pretend we didn't hear anything (Sadie puts her jewelry stuff down and looks back up at Ryan listening) (sighs, sits next to Sadie) he always use'ta tell me that he'd save up an buy us a Camaro one day we'd blow our town an never come back...wasn't gonna happen so one day he tried to steal one (Sadie looks at him, he looks at her) I was there...somehow that landed me here (raises eyebrows) an him in Vegas (looks at Sadie then away, shrugs) we don- we don't talk anymore (looks at Sadie) Sadie: (softly) an you didn't tell me because Ryan: I-I (raises eyebrows) I guess I'm...not use to unloading on people Sadie: ...too busy being loaded on I guess Ryan: I don't know (raises eyebrows) but I wanted to start over with you Sadie: you know I have many talents, one of them is listening, you jus gotta let me do it Ryan: (nods) deal Sadie: that's not to say we should just be talking (smiles) (Ryan looks at Sadie then slowly leans forward. Sadie closes her eyes, Ryan puts his hand on her cheek gently and they kiss) CUT TO: Summers bedroom - Summer and Seth are under the covers in Summers bed and they both look um worn out could be the word,lol Summer: (breathing heavily) whoa Seth: (breathing heavily) yeah whoa Summer: (breathless) you know it's a good thing I put Princess Sparkle away for that Seth: to think it was that amazing an we didn't even get to the wheelbarrow (we now see them from above. they are both looking up at the ceiling with stunned expressions) Summer: you know we should make a pact (swallows) if we go away to college together we should like fight like everyday (smiles) Seth: I'm pretty sure I can make that happen (Summer laughs and looks over at Seth. Seth looks at her and then they both pull the covers over their heads. we hear Summer giggling and then we see the covers moving about and finally their feet sticking out of the end intertwined together, aww. we also see the Kama Sutra book lying cover/back cover up at the end of the bed) CUT TO: Johnny's house - we see Ryan lower Sadie onto the floor while they are still kissing this fades to a shirtless Ryan helping Sadie take her top off then we see shirtless Ryan lower Sadie back down onto the floor in just her bra and jeans. this fades to a close up of them kissing, then Ryan kisses Sadie's neck, then that changes to a close up of Sadie's bra/chest pressing against Ryan's bare chest. then we see Sadie with her hand on Ryan's back just above the waist of his jeans, she also has her leg wrapped around his and they are both still in jeans CUT TO: Julie's trailer - we see Marissa walk up onto the verandah and Volchok is sitting at the table smoking, it seems like he was almost waiting for her. Marissa walks straight passed him and into the trailer and she purposely leaves the door open. Volchok puts his smoke out, blows smoke out of his mouth and then goes inside and closes the door behind him. the next thing we see is Marissa and Volchok in each others arms urgently kissing. Volchok has his hand on Marissa's waist and Marissa has hers on the side of Volchok's face/neck, that shot quickly changes to Marissa helping Volchok off with his shirt then that changes to a shirtless Volchok pushing Marissa against the wall of the trailer and they are still kissing. that changes to Marissa taking her top off, then we see Marissa in just her wife beater and Volchok pushes her up against the counter while he helps her take it off, so now she is just in her bra. she runs her hands through his hair and they are kissing pretty intensely. Volchok has his hands on Marissa's waist and she has hers on his shoulders. Volchok runs his hands up Marissa's back then we see him with his head between her breasts, she still has her bra on. then we see a close up of Volchok with his head just under Marissa's shoulder and she has her hand on his head touching his hair, then we see Marissa looking a little out of it while Volchok kisses her arm, then we see a close up of Volchok kissing her bare stomach. then we see he has his hand on her back directly below her bra strap, then we see a shot of Volchok looking up towards the ceiling and Marissa with her hands through her own hair, then we see Volchok kissing Marissa's neck while she has her head back and finally the last shot we see is Marissa with her arm around Volchok's neck and her mouth is wide open with her eyes closed

Plan: A: Newport; Q: Where does Marissa find herself all alone? A: rifts; Q: What is caused in Ryan's new relationship with Sadie? A: Taylor; Q: Who do Seth and Summer turn to when their relationship struggles? A: Marissa; Q: Who spends the night with Volchok? A: business pressure; Q: What does Sandy grapple with? Summary: An old nemesis returns to Newport, causing rifts in Ryan's new relationship with Sadie. Seth and Summer turn to Taylor when their relationship struggles Marissa finds herself all alone in Newport and spends the night with Volchok. Meanwhile, Sandy grapples with business pressure.