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last night i got high and drunk same time wow what a night but i wa alone usually i get really in my head when high and more depressed but i think the alcohol countered that anyway whats weird is i ve woken up today in a super positive mood my life situation ha not changed but i just see it differently i m alright with where i m at positive that i ll get where i need to i feel really optimistic and i m worried cause this is so sooo rare to me i m scared it will go away i haven t felt this happy in year but it s made me realise that happiness is not the absence of problem but it s the state of mind you have about your problem

only month ago around christmas my dad nearly died and wa in a coma for week my mum and brother were thrown into a depressive state whilst i tried so hard to get on with life and be strong for them only last month my relationship with my brother wa completely destroyed when my family confronted him after finding out he d stolen hundred from me and my parent i wa hurt and betrayed so badly but wa able to forgive him and try to move on even if he didn t feel the same way after fighting against all of the pain my life ha brought me through my family and relationship these past few month i finally started to feel like i wa making progress and becoming a better person for everyone in my life yesterday i woke up to a paragraph text message from my girlfriend of year telling me she didn t love me or want to be with me anymore and i ve finally caved in i m so sick of trying so hard to be strong every single time i resist another force come down on me i give up and i don t want to do this anymore she wa my comfort and best friend who i could go to for anything now i feel like i have nobody who understands me and nobody who want to listen which is why i m typing here because i m so lost and broken i will be so grateful for any kind word

hi i am 9m from india and i am currently going through a major crisis of my life my mother is a very abusive person she ha been physically abusing me since i wa i have burnt knife mark on my body which she called punishment she once threw me off the stair because i cracked two egg while bringing them home i have been subject to her verbal abuse since my birth i believe one of the incident which is still intact in my head is when i wa and she threw the knife on my face because i told her i do not want to go to some place with her i have been with her and growing up all along i always thought these thing were normal until i met new people i really get suicidal thought at night and i want to move out of here my father is separated and i have no idea where he is ita been more than a decade since i ve met or even talked to him all i know is that he sends money to my mother last year he did not send a single rupee for many month because if covid so i had to do some meagre job to earn something i had been doing that but now i want to complete my education and get a degree education here is very expensive i have graduated from my high school in the year 0 0 and had to take drop year because of pandemic and to basically stay alive now the situation is quite better at my home my dad is sending enough for u to eat when i talk about my study my mother straightforwardly decline and asks me work i really don t want to work i have to move out but i have zero backup and there are no part time job here in my country to move to another country is a very difficult task but it might change my life i would really need some advice and if you could just help me a bit it would be really great thank you for reading so far also i am sorry if i offended you by talking about my own mother like that i really do not know how to handle thing right now i am really sorry and thank you for reading i d appreciate if you can talk to me

my therapist asked me if i need anything but i never know how to answer this yes but i don t know what to stop feeling this way i just feel worse for not having an answer so i say i don t and than i feel even worse i just want to be ok but i don t know what that will take especially in a crisis

hi i am very sorry if this is the wrong sub for this post a good friend is going through a though depressive episode right now and since we live in different country we mostly hang out by playing game online we joke a lot but my humor a well a hers can get quite self depricating so i want to change my type of joke and how i talk in a way that boost her self esteem instead of lowering it i am really bad with word so if some of you have concrete example for how i can turn a joke or a phrase like bruh we are so dumb lol etc around to something positive would be really helpful just imagine you have to teach a toddler with atrocious social skill how to be a supportive friend

i had an interview for a new job today it s the th one i have had in two week even though i wa the only candidate that showed up they said they had their hope on someone else i am a grown person an i can t find a real job every interview i m just not a good fit this company reached out to me i feel like there is a sign that only other people can see that say i m trash i am unworthy i don t know what i m doing wrong but i know it s me i know i m the issue i am going to be stuck a white trash customer service agent till i self check out there is no other way out for me no one will miss me when i m gone an everyone will be better off with out me i feel selfish for being scared to go to hell that s what i deserve

i m 9 and haven t done anything with my life i ve disappointed everyone in my life the woman i thought i wa gon na marry left me and won t even talk to me anymore i started therapy and medication again a few month ago but it only doe so much i don t really have any friend i work only a few day a week and can barely handle that i don t find pleasure out of anything anymore i don t have anyone to turn to and everyone who ever loved me ha either left me or died all i do is sit home alone and try to distract myself the best i can but i honestly see no light at the end of the tunnel i know it s pathetic but i swear i m trying the best i can but i don t know how much longer i can

today i wa late for my high dchool by accident because they decided to change the plan and only send the notification about it on soem stupid school app that i don t use and so when i arived i wa hour late someone from my class saw me and started to talk to me like to an idiot i wanted to say somethinf but not even one word could came out i almost broke into tear over something so simple i wonder why people do this doe it give them some satisfaction or something like that i have no idea what are your idea

do you guy also have the unbearable urge to just step out of your door one day and leave i can t take it anymore i tried for year to get happy or at least not miserable but all i do creates more critic and now i m not even at peace when i m home i have no hope finding peace success or even stability at home and just vanishing seems to be the only thing left to try sometimes i just wan na get in my car fuel it up and leave everyone and everything behind sleeping in the car and go wherever sadly i wouldn t even have the money to even last a month

feel lonely feel alone feel restless angry annoyed jealous just like everything s a let down have no friend no significant other family is somewhat sad and broken no job no confidence i m just here living every f cking day over and over again some people from my family can be cold not understanding i hate depending on them for stuff and hoping to get help when they don t even want to i want to be independent and i m sick of it already can t talk to some of these people about serious topic or about truth because they don t want to hear it or won t listen nothing make me feel happy and all i ever hear is all i do is drink or go out and yeah i do cause this shit is sad and it s only time that it s not and i wan na meet people and idk it s just hard i m tired of sitting there in my feeling

i m honestly at the end of a dead end and idk what to do with my life there s almost no option and people aren t supportive at all i like to bounce off my idea on other people but everyone tell me to stop complaining pick myself up by the bootstrap and solve my own fucking problem thanks i m cured

ensconced in thought diametrically opposed graduated in fear and all it frill untouched day can only be so new with a mantra old is love for loving s sake hail the dawn

every single day i just wake up miserable and an insane urgency to immediately end myself everything is just empty now nothing really get me excited and i don t even have anyone to talk to cuz most of my friend are just not that close my family is much worse a nobody ever care about each other i have a father but i don t have any father figure cuz he wa and is never there for me ever i can t even share anything to anyone cuz everyone just tell me that it s normal for people my age to experience the thing i am going through i just absolutely hate my life and everything i literally have no will to live i even sometimes subtly and unintentionally put myself at dangerous situation to like somehow get myself killed even though everyone just say it s normal to experience these at my age i don t see anyone my age talk or even behave the way i do i also hate the fact that i am self aware of every way i am behaving but still can t seem to help myself fix those thing i really really really hope everyone is living better life than me

hi you all my first post in here i have to write my story down i m curious if there are more people in this im a 0 year old student from the netherlands i want to become a teacher at primary school my education take year right now i m re doing the third year i struggle with my past i do not have had a save bonding with my parent and family and in that time i wa bullied at primary school at my th i got involved in a situation of sexual unacceptable behaviour that wa the last thing what made me stop for a short time with my study that year i had a lot of spare time and after that year i had to start again with that year of my education the hard thing about it is my problem are not solved in that year off i had therapy but it wasn t the right fit for me after the therapy i thought i could start over but right now i notice the problem are coming back again the situation is right now i have a lot to do for school in week there is a big deadline and it is almost impossible to fix the stuff i have to do there is a lot of work to do but i am not motivated at all to do something i lay in bed till pm or do something i like to do and isn t nessecary last week i went to the doctor to start therapy again i think that is a good start i really want to go on with my life but i am so tired of it all i want to stop not facing my problem and do something easy but that isn t the solution im so alone in this all i have told some friend but not my parent cause they will be so judgy after a year of doing le work than the other year for me it is very hard to go on to concentrate on something and to end it i m afraid i lost my dicipline and i know i have some other problem which i want to fix by therapy i feel like a failure and i m sad and mad a good friend of mine said it is normal that i am not motivated by the problem i have about my past and familysituation that i don t have to ask my self too much she is way more kind to me than i am to myself on the other hand i don t want to be too kind in some way i have to do more well this is the situaition i live in i wonder if there are more people who share a part of my situation

i am and have been battling depression since throughout the year i ve been on anti depressive pretty much the whole time just when i feel like i m maybe stabilizing or dare i say it getting better i go crashing back down to the bottomless pit of sadness right now i m on vacation in a tropical island a dream for me yet here i am constantly emotional and unable to find joy ha anyone ever gotten over depression for good or will this plague me until the end

i little personal reflection here i guess i ve been working so hard to not want to kill myself trying to give myself space to heal while also when possible pushing myself to get back to life and i ve been doing amazingly going from my day being filled with trying to not want to die to actually cleaning my appartment and doing thing the last couple of week have definitely been a relapse of my pet who we re the reason i wa keeping myself alive and getting out of bed in my deepest moment have died within the same month in dramatic way i ve been trying to keep my head above water and to keep doing what i m suppose to do and the longer i tried to do it the more i went back to feeling like life is a never ending cycle of doing the same shit thing till you die i ve been feeling more and more again like it doesn t matter how hard i try and today it just became to much i m sitting here alone in this messy appartment that i m never gon na get under controle my partner is out all day and i just feel pain being alive again so i selfharmed again after month of not wanting to do it nothing serious or permantly damaging i ve never done something permanently damaging it felt both deliberating and just sad deliberating cause it did help me and calmed me down in the moment sad because you never wan na have to do this to stay alive and okay enough i don t really feel guilty or bad about doing it relapsing can happen right two step forward step back and i guess i also feel calmer about it knowing that i did get myself on a upward slope so that mean i can get myself there again so i guess i feel hopefull while feeling like this so i guess i m not doing well but i ve been getting back from worse

i have already given up on my life cuz i have realised no matter what i do nothing ever gon na make me happy happiness is an illusion a myth and it s always the next step like do this after that you will be happy do that you everything will be fine but that next step where the door of happiness exists never come we are always step step back to happiness most close you can get is that you can knock on the door

i feel like my body is just a piece of meat i m forced to watch destroy itself it s like there is beeings inside it me and an animal that doe and interacts dumb and not a it should and i can t change that a i am not the one doing all of this bad thing but the other beeing here is some context so you don t think im a serial killer im i m in my last year of highschool and i got big final exam that will decide if i go to college or not or a my dad say if i get to live a nice life and have a good job or be unemployed and a shadow that cover the earth with no meaning or purpouse my mom is the one that understands me better and try to help me and belief i will make it in life she even decides to lie for me regarding some bad grade so my dad doesn t get pissed off i am doing extremely bad in school math is my kryptonite when i say i do extremely bad in school what i mean is i can t get myself to study i have some decent grade but not anything crazy let say im doing okay besides math oh boy at math i have a strict teacher that look like jabba from star war im a hypocrite also everytime i get a math test i feel like i did okay only to see my grade and be disappointed in myself i really don t like studying right now im doing this to avoid doing my homework i i feel like i am watching myself ruin my life and i can t do anything i feel like i m watching myself act like i shouldn t there s no worse feeling than knowing you are wrong but can t change yourself i just want to get my exam and make my parent proud i don t want to make my mom sad anymore but my other side would do anything but what it should im honestly soo dumb i wish i could get myself to do this every second of my existence i think about my exam how am i going to fail them and how i can t change this this is beyond pathetic some people have serious issue yet im making all of this bullshit in my brain im just soo stressed everytime i wish i could just get a seizure and end this im sorry i don t even know what help should i ask for even if i get any advice i can t guarantee ill take them my brain is on another level of fuckery i ll end this rant in a positive note i hope i m doing my homework and i understand it while you are reading this i really hope i make it past this month after im done with my final

i don t know if it just my ocd acting up or if it some real trauma but in high school i had a friend that really lowered my self esteem told me that i have no one to talk to always alone more i speak the dumber i sound kind of treat me like shit at every possibility sometimes trying to embarrass me in front of other it wasn t just towards me but i think because i wa so nice to him he took advantage of that anyways it been year and it still bug me i did have therapy and to be honest it wa quite useless there is simply not much a stranger can do to help my situation i wa always a very sensitive avoidant person and running into a person like that really destroyed me not just that but hate that i didn t stand up for myself my therapist recommends meditation and slowly getting yourself out there but almost none of it help i don t understand why someone would come into someone s personal space and violate you for no particular reason he didn t do that because he found it funny just did it for the sake of it i hate disagreeable people like him and fear running into people like that i also stated skipping class from then on i spent the last year of college in my room skipping nearly all my class

lately i ve been suffering from a lot of sadness i even struggle trying to get up of my bed i don t know what is happening to me i m only and i already want to km i m so sick of school i don t understand anything and it just make my head hurt i can t keep going like this i don t know how to feel better i m already seeing a therapist and taking medication but it doesn t work at all please help

it s so hard getting out of bed going to work and pretending you don t have a million thing on your mind it s so hard having a conversation with a coworker pretending that you re okay it s so hard smiling at the customer while you wonder if they can tell you re not really smiling it s so hard to put on a mask everyday so you don t hear are you okay i don t want people to ask me if i m okay because i m not even sure how to answer

what s dating relationship like for the rest of you more specifically i m curious what it s like for those of u who have partner do they make it easier or harder are they supportive patient understanding and partner of those struggling with depression i would love to hear from i am incredibly lucky to have a partner that is all of those thing yet sometimes that can make me feel so much worse i m a huge burden on him a huge worry every night he call every cut he cry for everytime i pitifully sob in his arm he cradle me and tell me it will be okay and yet he try to keep his shitty day to himself i feel like he s disconnected me from his emotion so i have one le thing to worry about but i want him to talk to me i often feel like i should break up with him to spare him from me i know he can do so much better but i promised i wouldn t make his choice for him and i meant it i love him too much to even see that a a real option often time he s the only person i talk to all day the only reason i take care of myself leave the house work for him i don t want to be a weight on his shoulder

i sometimes wish i could do it just finally end it then i catch myself and i tell myself why i am here for me i am so tired i am tired of working my 9 job i am tired of repeating everything over and over again i feel like everything i have in my life i destroy i am trying my best to move on from my break up i reflected and i pushed him away i wa toxic i feel like a shitty human being that maybe doe deserve to die if i could take it all back i would i tried so hard to keep the relationship healthy that in the end it wasn t the worst part is i made him feel like he couldn t even tell me how he felt the day he discussed it with his friend wa the same day we hung out he never said a word i just don t want to be here right now i just want to disappear i ruined everything in my life i am done i m not going to end it because thinking of the pain i cause others hurt but being alive hurt me more

i ve been just waiting for over a week and i can t do it i m making 0 progress on everything i m not even going outside anymore never happen before and it s not because of anxiety i just don t want to i don t care about the consequence i guess i just kind of gave up i keep waiting for something but it s not gon na happen i went from feeling like shit to being a completely unproductive piece of shit genuinely one of the worst decision i ve made in a long time but i m too far in to give up and getting off it is supposed to be even worse mirtazapine g then 0 last few day increased my appetite but i can t be bothered to eat helped with sleep but now i can t get up what am i supposed to do have to wait a few day for follow up with doctor

yea what the title said

when people ask me what i wan na do or what my plan for something is i always kinda give a vague idea or like say very generic thing everyone around my age might be saying like oh i wan na move out and pursue this or that type stuff but in reality i don t even know if i want to be here i think that my lack of proper planning for thing or goal setting is because when i wa younger i had to go through a lot of difficult thing that traumatized me and made me minimize the space i took up not only in everyone else s life but in my own so much to the point that i didn t even think i wa gon na make it to the age that i am today i really only planned on being here a day longer than i wa yesterday and eventually it s added up and i have been here for this many year i don t know how to look forward or plan for thing ahead farther than tomorrow really because i never intended to be here for that long anyway but it s becoming a really bad problem a i am in my 0 and everything i do now is going to affect the rest of my life it s hard to know what i want to do or what i want to pursue when my whole life i didn t think that i would even be here i am so lost and genuinely don t know what i am doing or who i am and i feel detached from everyone around me i feel like i am just existing and i am thankful for the thing i ve experienced and the people in my life and all that but i m just so lost i genuinely have no word to describe the void i feel and sometimes can not believe that i did this to myself i made myself so small i don t even see me so how could anyone else see me it s so hard when your own mind is the thing that make it hard for you to do anything and i ve just been struggling a lot lately

i watch pornography when i feel depressed or stressed in my shitty job a a dentist but i heard that it can worsen your situation also i m doing it like once or twice a week

i just want to disappear i don t know how to start this but i just want to disappear disappear from my life from everything from everyone i feel so alone and i can t talk to anyone personally in my life because it s hard to admit that i m struggling mentally it s hard for me to tell people i want to disappear from their life a i fear they will take it personally i m just tired of my life i m tired of the battle i constantly have to face and the struggle it give me the idea of disappearing feel like weight is lifted of my shoulder and i can breathe again the idea feel so calm and relaxing a that is all i ve ever wanted peace it s easy for me to think that no one will care that i m gone no one will look for me or try to search for me but i know that s no true so i stay i stay to exist another day to deal with life s problem and the anxiety i feel with it because everyone ha to deal with life why can t i so i disappear in my thought a all i have to escape from everything and everyone

i always had that sinking feeling it wa there but wa never able to find that proof i would ve done anything for her she built me up for so long all my life saying i would go far and be the best i can this positive reinforcement kept up until graduated high school in 0 9 i wa taking a gap year so i wa trying to find work in the mean time the pandemic hit a i wa searching and many business had already laid off so many and were not hiring at this point i wa getting the sly comment hear and there but nothing too sinister for the most part only after going from job to job only to be taken advantage of or have my hour cut did it escalate more fearing no other alternative i went back to an old company i had left due to the amount of hour we had to work and my physical wellbeing wa deteriorating while there i wa not hired based on the fact i had quit so many job in a short amount of time the abuse began to hit a whope new level i am berated whenever i come from my room criticized for all the simplest thing forgotten told i m the idiot of the family for not paying attention to everything and continuously told i will never make it on my own and will die outside i finally hit my breaking point and while i cried for myself thinking about all i had done she watched i didn t see her face but she wa judging me the whole time and left me i knew she didn t care anymore and she never ha i have hit a whole new low of depression

tldr here are my question ha anyone had depression symptom improve after they broke up with a long term partner who wa not right for them were you able to see in retrospect how the bad relationship wa intensifying your mental health problem how did you make the decision to break up my current depressive episode ha been going strong since mid 0 0 with almost no letup i m in therapy for childhood trauma for the first time therapist say i have cptsd i can feel my deep self hatred beginning to heal which is something i didn t think wa possible it s awesome but my depression symptom are getting worse no motivation feeling of complete emptiness gnawing sadness my work in therapy ha also illuminated aspect of my year romantic relationship which mirror the emotional abuse i suffered a a child i have been a candid a possible with this about my partner they have been genuinely remorseful and we are working on shifting our dynamic in couple therapy i am pleased to see change in the way they treat me but i don t feel any le pissed off about waking up alive everyday it s really difficult to parse out how much of this current depressive episode is coming from my brain chemistry and how much is coming from the fact that i m living with someone who betrayed my sense of emotional safety i m trying to forgive my partner because i truly love them with all of my heart and want to give our relationship a fair chance to improve but i am struggling to forgive them for the borderline emotional abuse that happened

sometimes all i want is for someone to tell me everything will be okay i m proud of you i love you you re doing great just general supportive word you have no idea how happy a simple good job can make you feel

i feel like i don t deserve to be happy i have so much in life i ve got to look to look forward too i have loving friend and family a good job a decent living situation and i ve even recently got into a poly relationship with two awesome people but i feel a if i don t deserve any happiness at all it could be that i m dating two guy and my parent are strictly against anything homosexual it could be the fact that i may be addicted to porn or hell it could even be just some other random thing in my life but i just feel like i m happy one day then depressed a hell the next day i don t know what to do who to talk too or how to fix this i don t even know if this is the right subreddit to put this here but i m out of option

i feel like i m really close to ending my own life i cant imagine myself living another year i ve had happy day but i haven t been able to appreciate anything good that ha happened to me i m so hyper focused on every bad thing that it just make me want to end it all the only thing that s really stopping me is lack of a proper method and making it seem like a big deal i don t want anyone to care i don t want it to effect my family or for them to even notice i m trying to distance myself from everyone close to me so i can make it easier on them when i ve finally had enough the sad part is that i ve been so lucky to have a decent upbringing but everything i feel right now is just my fault i don t have any valid reason to feel this way so many people have had it worse i cant even be mad at anyone else i did it to myself and i continue to do this i ob over my appearance too much and it just hurt looking at myself i cant stand to hear myself speak or let other people see me i m so disappointed in myself for letting this happen to me i don t think i ll be able to get out this mindset and a soon a the time is right i ll probably take the east way out man this suck

m moved home to my parent during covid in summer 0 0 to save money a everything wa remote everything is still remote so i decided to stay however i miss big city life with more bar restaurant more stuff to do the higher number of single 0 0 somethings like myself going back to la is a no go a rent is absurd and i d be paying almost half of my salary just to have a decent bedroom apartment i m currently renting a house from family but i m lonely a fuck i live in a small town with 000 people i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place

hello everyone i m male and don t really know how to ass my current situation i ll start from scratch my grandpa wa a bully and abused my mother when she wa a child he also did this with my sister when she wa about year old my brother wa also completely influenced by him and also abused my sister at the time he wa around 0 year old i saw that live once too at that age about year old i couldn t ass and classify the situation had suppressed that very well until my sister came to a clinic for depression around 0 and completely unpacked during the stay from that point on thing really went down hill for me all the picture from back then came up again my sister and my brother have spoken out and get along well again i smoked pot a lot back then because it always distracted me my mother had already attempted suicide twice i am always completely unmotivated and unhappy although unhappy is the wrong word i m just happy about almost nothing anymore i also think about suicide from time to time but i m probably just too tired and scared to go through with it i always like to be alone but with a girlfriend it s a bit difficult from time to time because we live together the few friend i have thank god understand me and don t push me into anything my girlfriend is also very unstable mentally but we both support each other very well gaming on the pc ha helped me a lot for year i have occasional nervous breakdown where i just start cry i ve always hated my job but that s probably just because i hate work in general i loathe people in general and i don t like big gathering either apart from my sibling and parent i have very little or no contact with other relative had adhd a a child and have been taking medikinet for month a i still have the diagnosis i wonder how others see it and whether i should seek external help i think i m doing just fine but i d be interested in an independent opinion pls be kind english is not my native language

i ll be 9 this year i grew up very sheltered and in middle school wa groomed by a teacher which ha led to a lot of mental health issue mom wa checked out due to illness and i am the youngest of her oldest child is the only healthy one i have attempted suicide time the last time in 0 9 which ruined thing for me i lost my job and had to move back home with mom i hate it trust me i decided fuck i should be doing something and started taking class online i used to live in a thriving city on my own wa in a relationship had a steady career path and it s all gone now living here is awful and i really wish i wa successful on my third attempt since 0 9 i have applied for 9 job i have only gotten interview with of those one job offer and it fell through because they closed down due to covid i am so tired so worn out and i have no motivation for anything anymore i feel like i should just end it somehow but deep down i want to live and be happy again i can t do that in this state or small conservative town le than 000 people v a progressive city i wa living in of 00k that were lgbt friendly idk what to do anymore i have maybe 00 to my name and i wish that could get me out of here but it s not happening sorry for the rant just need to get this shit out

can someone help me kill myself or give me way to please i m i m really done with life idc about anything anymore i don t want people to try and stop me like i just need a way to do it but idk how like what thing to do love you all xx

i think i m gon na call it quits i just don t feel good i don t feel like anyone care about me i don t feel like i bring value to anyone s life let alone my own been listening to a song recently and the lyric just feel so resonant i relate so hard do you ever get a little bit tired of life like you re not really happy but you don t wan na die like you re hanging by a thread but you got ta survive you got ta survive i don t want to die but that thread the little bit of myself that kept me wanting to survive is just frayed it s razor thin and i just want to reach out and snap it already just get it over with i m tired i m hurting i m so fucking lonely and i just want it to fucking stop

i m fine i m fine i m fine until once again i m back in the pit and i m wondering how long do i need to keep doing this for when i stare at my computer screen another fucking 9 day of meaningless clicking so i can earn barely enough money to survive comparing myself with other people my age depresses me i m not so successful and i probably didn t live up to anyones expectation including my own but the more i think about it based on all my trauma and self hatred where i am kinda make sense but the thought of i need to continue living like this idling just living in the same page everyday why i have a vacation booked and then what i come back to the same meaningless routine every time after a vacation im more depressed that my life is how it is do i want to change sure how i don t even have the energy or motivation nor do i have the strength or idea some day i feel like im living in my own paradox or dream that my life isn t even real the past few week i been reliving my trauma and all the shit i went through continuously in my head why i don t even know maybe i m trying to understand myself all i get are mood swing bad attitude and burst of anger maybe i should get on med

im m ive been in a constant battle with anxiety and mood swing disorder and i promised myself if life dont get better by my th birthday im offing myself so idk if there a god and he listening to me or if there another world waiting for me i just need strength because i feel like this is my last chapter in life and i feel ready

i know this is weird to ask but anyone got any alternative to cutting i m too scared to punch a wall not scared enough to not cut somehow and i can t cut without getting caught due to helicopter parent they have caught me cutting so my mother doe body check regularly again i know it s weird to ask but any suggestion are appreciated

hi i m new here and most of the time i m in a real good place life ha been really good since i had therapy i haven t felt like i want to end it in maybe five or six year now and that is not what i feel right now but i do feel emptiness and shallow i like to create to many thing but after i share them all of the feeling disappear i don t feel good about it anymore and when i m alone it s a if every thought in my head want to feel bad i feel like cry but no tear come and it s frustrating even i don t know who to talk to because everyone is so busy and i feel like disturbing god what do i do singing frustrates me and i m a vocalist i am taking a long walk right now but kind of lost the strength in my leg or my will to go further at the moment of writing i ll continue after typing this i guess

anytime i m alone i m instantly depressed i can t enjoy tv alone i can t enjoy a walk alone i just hate it alone i just lay here all day in my bed on my phone for hour then go to sleep but i get so sick of my phone how can i be alone

i don t really have any kind of hope that any other kind of love can truly save you it ha to be romantic because you don t trust friend or family when they tell you that the love you anymore but if someone is willing to hold you and stay with you for the rest of your life just the initiative make it feel better but my problem doesn t even lie there the real problem is that i don t really see myself a someone that can be loved and the reason are endless i m not good looking i have severe social anxiety and i m just a handful of a person to deal with haha and i definitely am not a person that should have been born and even the one time i gave my heart to someone and tried to get to know them better with the hope of igniting something real it wa a fail and i can t help that i have no will left in me to live i don t think writing this post will really achieve anything ultimately but well it would be nice if someone could try to understand me

hi hello idk why am i writing this i just need to vent out ok i can t type properly my eye are flooding with tear rn i m so fucked up right now idk what to do amp x 00b no one got my back for fuck sake this is so messed up i wan na kill myself so bad i feel like i ve done everything that i want if somehow i die my biggest regret would probably be disappointing my mom amp x 00b amp x 00b on a second thought i don t really wan na die i m just confused what is the life i wan na know my purpose being 9 year old and having nothing accomplished make me feel shit constantly lying about stuff making sin day after day am i born to sin amp x 00b amp x 00b i really felt lonely and thought that no one really cared about my existence i saw my friend enjoying and posting their happy moment i really felt cornered i spent another few day in my room then the other day i just went out for a walk amp x 00b i don t want this anymore my coping mechanism is smoke some cigarette i don t want to be addicted i m thinking about praying to god but i don t wan na pray for someone whom i don t believe to exist i m starting to think what if someone just made up god idk someone made up god for people who don t have someone to talk to

through out the day i keep telling myself okay tomorrow you need wake up and do these thing so i have to go to sleep early job search and practice permit test to get the license but every night once it reach 9 0 i find myself unhappy in my bed ruminating about how i messed up in life and how worthless i am that no one want to hire me i wonder is it even worth it i then end up sleeping till like or am i ve applied to food le and such and have gotten either no call or few place rejecting me i stay up in bed trying to find something that ll distract me or pacify me to sleep and even when i do go to sleep early i dread waking up i just wish i could sleep forever

where do i even start this feeling ha been going for year but now i reached a point where i am fully convinced that my life is just pointless purposeless empty i keep finding way to help myself to get better socialize talk to a psychologist then i got refered to a psychiatrist and talk to god i don t blame god for anything okay i still believe in god the psychiatrist did gave med escitalopram amp na divalproex amp quetiapin amp olanzapine amp vit b complex for a year i took those med constantly after a year i wa only prescribed with the first two med then recently the psychiatrist needed to move up my med to something more stronger because i said the med didn t work in socializing i tried to talk to friend but i couldn t open myself fully to any of them it is because no one listened or no one gave anything to help same go with my family i even tried looking for a relationship but with the trauma that my past caused me my ex s mirrored my depression towards me i also tried dating apps but every single one is either horny or just hard to talk to i tried to connect with workmate but you know that feeling when just can t connect it s hard to describe but yeah bottom line in socializing no one listens or give help in talking to god i still believe that there s a purpose for everything that s why we are created right i really don t blame god for anything even though i am suffering so much the only question is how long will i have to suffer more detail about work right now i m happy with what i m doing there s stress problem and shitty experience but at least i get task that need to be done yeah so when i m given a task i can finish it regardless of my mentality so my background well i ve been bullied since elementary until highschool for being different in the look it wa nd year highschool when the whole class bullied me constantly the teacher can t even help lol my depression really attacked me in nd year college there i realized all my suffering all my mistake and all my regret i attempted suicide for like time but always failed unfortunately twice i got caught by my family they were concerned at first but a time pass by so is the concern after all that i gave up trying to kill myself because i can t i m too much of a coward to kill myself all those physical abuse i tried to do on myself i can t do it twice so yeah i m like in the middle of trying to live and trying to kill myself if only i m brave enough to just commit suicide i would do it but i m not i actually tried to do sport in the past i wa very active in physical sport like taekwondo athletics and mma i even went to the gym right now i m doing biking but all those physical activity stopped a i lost interest or no motivation anymore i continued biking but everytime i do it i go full speed thinking i would die unfortunately my body just hold the break to slow down and make turn right now i just literally gave up on everything i m convinced that i ll be living my life like an empty shell med don t work socializing don t work and etc etc i just do my work then after just back to emptiness again i am able to do task but is it still living when you just do task out of obligation for advice sorry but i already heard too much but it didn t work anyways just trying to vent out i hope this story is clear or understandable thank you for reading

ha anyone been prescribed mirtazapine or other alpha receptor antagonist to treat their anxiety i would prefer not to use start with ssri s what wa you experience

i m tired of living the one thing that kept me alive just weaponozed my mental health about week ago and left i m tired of being stressed about everything bill and not knowing of i can feed myself i ve given up how much oxy is lethal asking for well myself

i think the worst part of dealing with all of this is the absolute constant feeling of loneliness having no connection to anyone many act like they want to help but a soon a they see how deep and dark it is they back off my phone stay pretty silent unless someone need something

i can t manage to do anything i haven t showered for 9 day haven t brushed my teeth for a couple day haven t done my skincare routine in age haven t been to the gym for week haven t been to university to see the lecture in week i feel like i just can t get a grip of my life it s getting tiring

burning the bridge of people i m supposed to consider friend but when wa the last time i could call them that suddenly my life took a sudden stop and i needed to rest well now i m recovered and everyone ha left me behind so what do i do i try reaching out but get pushed aside for other more important people in their life hurt when one of them wa your ex partner who still want to be your friend but can t put in any effort worth making it a lasting friendship best friend know i m socially inept and while i m extroverted i can t really meet new people on my own so do they help me by introducing me to their dozen of freiends they have despite being introverted no apparently you just want to keep me to yourself despite me literally begging for your help on multiple occasion i hate this the only keeping me around is my cat and it s not love anymore i just don t want to leave him alone in the apartment with my rotting corpse that will only be found because i didn t come into work

so i have finally come to realize that i have had this fantasy that i have a family that care my mother ha her own issue bi polar my mom life partner just doesn t care and tell me to get over it my sperm donor of a bio dad remarried and ha his own family now and is ecstatic about his grand kid i feel like i wa the throw away tossed out with the garbage when it come to my parent it ha taken me 0 year to come to this conclusion why did it take me so long when my sister said f ck you when she wa hope is the only thing i can come up with to answer that question they say blood is thicker than water when it come to family i now disagree i have finally come to the conclusion that my parent can kick rock if they fell off of a cliff i would watch them fall some would say that is a heartless thing to say about your parent but i am done done placing myself in a situation that allows my heart to be trampled by one that claim to love me or one i would think should care all of these thought and outcome in life have lead me to being suicidal and depressed i am now working hard to manage my thought of suicide and depression first thing is to get my finance in check pay down my debt so i can become financially free to do what i want with my money second and really while i am working on my finance lose some weight and get my physical health back on track it is time for me to start living this life i have been gifted with and see were it take me all i ask of you is your support and prayer if interested check my profile from time to time a i make journal entry posting them to my personal profile god bless i love you all

i don t see the meaning of life in general or the purpose of my own life i ve been clinically depressed and in and out of therapy for seven year now which is of my life which make me feel sad i ve reached this point where i don t even have the desire to take an active role in anything that happens to me or in my choice i feel very passive like i m just sort of letting my life lead me instead of leading it i feel dormant like i m just existing and i d barely even call myself alive everyone around me ha relationship thing to look forward to goal to meet etc yet i m only year old and i cant find even one attainable thing that i have the desire to accomplish i know i m not supposed to compare because everyone is different and blah blah blah but i m jealous of others who are driven and motivated i m unhappy and unfulfilled but simultaneously i m burnt out from constantly trying to work on myself get better and look for thing that will help change my mentality i really don t know what i should do next that is if i can bring myself to do anything at all

why is sleeping alot so horrible for depression because of depression i sleep alot but on rare occasion with drug abuse which cause insomnia i am le depressed then i sleep again 0 hour hour and i just feel horrible and suicidal

i often hold myself back from doing the thing i want to do because i don t feel like i meet the bare minimum standard to have realistic prospect for success what should i do to overcome this for instance i would love to be able to have a job earn money and be self sufficient i lost three job over the course of three month from 0 0 and i wound up in a deep depression from which i ve been trying to crawl out of ever since i later realized that i have adhd pi which explains nearly every factor that contributed to my past underperformance i wa often late for work i called in sick when i couldn t get out of bed i wa slow at my job etc i didn t realize that the issue i had were outgrowth of executive dysfunction and once i realized i had adhd everything suddenly made sense i had always been told and in fact came to believe that i wa just lazy that my lack of success wa my attitude towards work and it wa a simple a that but no it s not actually so simple even so i feel like i need to be 00 confident that it s under control before i attempt to re enter the workforce here s why i view being hired for any job a a promise on your part when you accept a position you are implicitly agreeing that you will be consistently hard working focused and reliable by consistently i mean at least 99 of the time everyone ha the occasional bad day where they underperform but to be a good employee this need to be a rare occurrence no more than maybe once every six month or so at the absolute most you need to be on time you need to be consistently applying yourself to the extent where you re feeling exhausted by the day s end and you need to be making a sustained effort to be living up to and preferably exceeding the expectation that are set out for you by your employer in short you either make a full commitment or you don t in my opinion if you apply for a job and accept a position knowing full well that you re going to struggle with thing a basic a punctuality or worker engagement it is disingenuous for you to even send in an application in the first place another example at year old i have never gone out on a single actual date with a woman let alone anything beyond that it just feel futile for me to even ask a woman out i find it unrealistic to think that a woman would find me physically or romantically attractive i feel like in order to date someone you have to be their equal by most metric equally attractive equally successful etc at the very least you have to fulfill some basic criterion be employed full time have a driver s license own a car be adept at handling social situation take good care of your body and your appearance maintain a consistently clean and orderly living space etc similar to employment asking somebody out feel like yet another unspoken agreement in doing so you are effectively conveying that you have your life together are able to keep it together on a consistent basis for the foreseeable future and want to get to know them on an intimate level once again you either make a full commitment or you do not if you can t give it 00 on a consistent basis then don t waste their time there are other thing that hold me back from dating another factor is that i m terrified of inadvertently going about it in an inappropriate manner e g wrong place wrong time misreading signal and making her uncomfortable with my overture then there s the fact that i m asexual and probably wouldn t have a high enough libido to satisfy most woman on a frequent enough basis but the main reason is the fact that i don t think i am capable of making a full commitment in my mind it s all or nothing i guess the long and short of it is that i don t apply for work ask woman out or do much of anything with my life because i don t think i m good enough i m not worthy i doubt my capability a being on the same level a everyone else and i don t want to pretend like i am capable of maintaining the kind of commitment that most people are able to make

would anyone like to chat or maybe even voice chat i m just feeling like a total mess at the moment

well i am rn haven t really achieved anything big in my life so far i honestly feel like shit while typing this i have never made such post ever and honestly i am tryna express myself so i make some friend or have a good conversation a i said i am i have been visiting a therapist and i have mdd major depressive disorder medication are helping though by i need to improve we don t have financial problem i really need to start making money for my own i guess i have seen a lot of people online that are doing much better than me and have achieved a lot and i am not even close to them well if anyone want to talk or want to discus something you can do it here or my dm

without absolutely any context of myself i will disclose when my depressive episode come about and these feel pretty major and intense when they do they feel and seem to get harder and harder literally a the year go by we who struggle with depression are very tough because i feel like i barely scrape through each and every time but it is becoming harder to bare and hold on and i worry for myself in the future do any of you with depression feel like your episode or however you describe it get harder and harder to bare when it come about amp x 00b it an expression of interest curiosity

i m so exhausted my brain create me a child personality a sort of a dissociation disorder that take control of me of my action of my voice of my thought so sometimes i m a child because of my fucking depressed brain i also have a lot of memory lost it s like my memory reset all the time my head is a prison a hell i hate this brain and i hate this existence

i ve struggled with mental health issue since i wa in elementary school i ve gone through period where thing have been really bad and others where i m more normal i m doing really bad right now i m in law school and i don t have time for a breakdown but i feel like i m drowning i have class in hour but i ve been up all night cry i don t know what to do my psychiatrist just put me on wellbutrin along with my current medicine of prozac rexulti and buspar i m supposed to talk to my dean today about my mental health issue but i don t feel like i can get out of bed this is ridiculous and i feel like i m being lazy but i legitimately feel like i m suffocating i want to not exist sorry if this make no sense everyone i know is asleep right now and i needed to talk

i m alone m i feel like ending it all i just want a girlfriend but i always get rejected i don t want sex or nude i want someone who i can care for and someone who can care for me

so many thing i can t will never be able to do again my friend talk about going skateboarding or how awesome it would be to go skiing soccer wa my favorite sport and i can t play anymore well i can but at the risk of my left knee buckling in on itself which it ha done just the act of getting out of bed is painful and every girl i talk to i eventually have to tell them i got hit by a car which come off a gaslighting like i m looking for sympathy the last one i told said she d help me through it or whatever but she just stopped talking to me after hanging out a couple time which sound like nothing but now i don t talk to anyone perhaps the worst part is that the guy never even said he wa sorry my friend don t even ask me how i m doing all they fucking talk about is dungeon and dragon nobody asks how i m doing everyone is just like oh yeah him he got hit by a car and just assume that i m fine all i think about is cry in someone s arm i am practically on the verge of tear every waking moment of every day i guess what keep me going is the fact that it could have been much worse i could have not opened the trunk of my dad car in time and he could have crushed me from my knee up all the way to my chest rather than just at the knee i wa getting my bag out of the back of my dad car when a guy in a f 0 pickup truck pulled up behind me either pulled too close and the car jumped forward when he put it in park or he just forgot to put it in park and it rolled forward pinning me at the knee between the two vehicle for like second

i am no job no career suffering from severe depression and anxiety for year therapy med nothing help suffered emotionaly since teenage now m here all alone no one close totally done with life and thinking to end it thank u for reading

i guess i m on here to get some thing off my chest maybe even get some advice i really just want someone to relate to what i m going through if you took the the time to read this thank you a little background i m 0 australian cisgender male i ve lived in the foster care system which come with a lot of different issue i couldn t possibly get into i work for the government i can t say what i do here i do some dangerous work that led to being assaulted in early january i ve since been on work cover for my mental health acute stress disorder every day get harder i wake up and i can t get out of bed i sleep horrible hour i smoke almost a pack a day and i play video game non stop i feel like an exposed nerve some day every interaction with another human make me nervous and the day i leave the house are becoming fewer when i moved to my current town i didn t really have friend i ve always struggled with social interaction i joined a dnd group at a local hobby store in the hope of making some friend they were all relatively younger than me all in their 0 i gave it a go nonetheless several session in they ve asked me not to come back i didn t see it coming tbh it disappoints me because the reason why wa unclear i had thought we were friend dnd wa the general highlight of my week it s not exactly a productive past time and most people probably think it s stupid or nerdy tbh it absolutely is but i felt accepted and it wa a group who s social behaviour didn t revolve around drug and alcohol i m trying so hard not to internalise it and just accept that maybe i just didn t mesh with the group in addition to this my problem are piling up my car is completely useless my back is causing issue and i m gaining so much weight right now everything feel exhausting my lifestyle is so toxic right now and i know something need to change i just don t know what to do i feel so overwhelmed with life the best advice i can find is to grow up take responsibility for my life but it rarely seems that simple i feel like i have nothing left

my depression and self harm are at an all time high and today i woke up and decided to give myself two black eye by punching myself repeatedly until swollen cu i wan na look a bad a i feel now my boyfriend just got home and he s super angry at me how do i explain to this nigga it s my body my choice and he shouldn t be upset cu it s life man he got with someone year ago that is severely fucked up and now he s shocked that i m doing fucked up shit like wtf type nigga is he

my bf cheated on me but got a dog today and my dog ha made me feel so much better who need a man

and then i realize normal is horrible and mean working a job i hate to barely afford gas to work and killing brain cell with drug to put up with it

i m scared of my future i m scared of taking responsibility for my own life i m scared of facing the consequence of my action i m scared of making decision because they might be the wrong one i m scared of taking a step forward i m scared that there s nothing i can do with my life because i m too scared of everything i m scared of living

why can t i just do a my mother said and accwpt my body

everyone moved on became a better person happier get a career and a life meanwhile i m still the same stuck in the beginning

it s gotten to the point where i m purposely making myself sick so i will have to call out but the end of the month is coming up and bill are piling up i don t know what to do i just don t want to do anything anymore and just lie in bed all day

i am moving and i might not be able to bring my cat with me i haven t even had her year i am losing everything again i have to move and start over and lose the people close to me it feel like every time i try to improve my situation i get worse i know it ll get worse before it get better but this is hell i wish i could just have a safe place without having to uproot my life the only apartment i can afford doesn t allow pet i might just risk it and sneak my cat in anyways but i am scared of being caught and evicted god just everything everything is too much i have been cry for age

i didn t choose to be born i didn t choose to have these vital instinct it shouldn t fall onto me to overcome them the world that gave birth to me should fix it mistake i shouldn t be asked to fix it in it stead it s not my responsibility

and i feel nothing nothing at all i almost flunked out of college twice and here i am with straight a s last quarter and i m slated for a similar gpa this quarter and yet i don t feel a thing about it everyone is telling me how proud i should be i went from a high school slacker to the one looking into med school to the family fuck up and now the one doing ok all within a few year fuck i should be proud and yet i literally do not give a shit all i feel is apathy i m just so fucking tired i feel like i m just going through the motion not sure what i m looking for with this post i just had to tell someone that i lack the capacity to care my parent and partner were so happy when i told them the grade i don t have the heart to tell them i don t really feel anything about it doe anyone else just not care about achievement anymore it d feel nice to know i m not the only one

or having a good day like aren t you supposed to be depressed if you keep acting like this nobody will believe you that kind of mentality i take hard class i take the max number of credit i can because if i m not working i m wasting time i don t study for shit i get good grade surely this must mean i m decently smart but i fucking hate that my grade don t drop noticeably because i wish someone would notice or just care or something but i clearly can t stand feeling like a failure more and it doesn t make sense because i feel like a failure all the time why not one more it extends to stupider shit too like being in a good mood laughing stuff i m not happy but it s like the reflex is still there and i m so good at hiding it i don t know what i m like when i m actually happy but i m guessing better le angry awkward and doe this mean people like that version of me better or do they just think this is me normal fuck me i wouldn t ever go up to someone and ask for help i couldn t do it but it would just be nice to have someone be concerned for me naturally without me asking

hello i feel terrible i don t know where to start i feel very bad very anxious my stomach is a ball of nerve i feel so bad mentally that i feel sick physically everything is a challenge for me i live in a foreign country and i signed for a language class that started somehow not from the beginning and this literally felt so bad i really don t know how to explain how i feel and why i feel like this everything new scare me my mother died two year ago i can t sleep well my heart literally hurt from all the anxiety i have i don t know what to do with my life i m in a really bad place i don t have a job right now i m signed to an agency that sends me to different warehouse and i m booked now for month i don t have any special education i figured i should study something to make my life better i m year old the job i m doing right now is the reason i feel so terrible my anxiety come and go i feel it triggered my anxiety because it s in a new warehouse with new people and it s something i ve never done before my bos didn t tell me where i m going to do this job she literally told me the night before that i have to go to a new place from tomorrow she didn t explain absolutely anything for the job she just left u there without information and resource and i feel that s why my anxiety came back with full strength i wa hoping that even something bad is going to happen to me so i won t have to go to work something like a car crash something bad but not too bad my bos told me we could call her and ask her about the job but she didn t pick up her phone when we tried calling her she told u she may hire u after we do this job i think this add to the pressure the thing is i think most people would see this a an opportunity but it s a nightmare for me my husband and i are doing this job and he s not understanding or willing to help me i tell him how i feel but he s like you ll get better i don t think i ll get better i have this anxiety for so long now it come and go it s not getting better i don t know what to do with my life i think anyone in my circumstance would actually feel good and here s me feeling anxious desperate and just horrible i don t wan na stay in this country i wan na go somewhere else but i don t think that s going to solve my problem a my problem is not the place it s me

i m and currently suffering from depression i ve stopped taking anti depressant about year ago because of quarantine and suicide related thought like overdosing or choking on med because of that i don t know how to fall asleep quickly i tried the breathing technique calming oil blend even putting up some calming music on my phone all of the thing i ve tried nothing work for me i just really wan na sleep early because my mom s seriously mad at me for staying up late at night possibly thinking i m using my phone when she turn her back i just don t wan na try to start taking those anti depressant again any suggestion

look at me and tell me why i shouldn t just end it all today and tonight my girlfriend think i m an ugly waste of oxygen who ha no value it s time for me to die

got a driving ticket the other day almost got another one today for parking in front of someone s driveway

hi i ve been up and down over the year and have been diagnosed with mdd and add i take med and am in therapy off and on for period of time i can not afford regular therapy and generally i am not doing too badly i wake up each morning and get to work i come home to my family i do some yoga and try to move regularly i do not feel myself i feel another cycle of darkness looming i use cannabis daily and drink alcohol on weekend i think if i drank during the week it could become a regular pattern i want to shake this and i try different thing it is a if there is too much going on and filtering what i need is difficult i ve always had the mentality that we over complicate our life i would like to live out in the wood with no electricity or technology and not in an effort to isolate but just to simplify not sure my point in posting this i guess i am looking for some support and suggestion from others in how to feel connected take care folk

which came first the chicken or the egg do i hate myself because of the constant rejection i ve experienced my whole life or am i constantly rejected because i hate myself both are true negative experience are what made me doubt myself so much if this keep happening over and over again then it must be because there s something wrong with me that people want to run away from i take it entirely personally but on the other hand people don t want a person who hate themselves in their life so they reject me and distance themselves i can never sustain positive self worth because every single time i m rejected i feel that they ve judged my character in some way and determined me either insignificant or toxic to them it s a never ending loop that ultimately leaf me alone and bitter i don t know how to fix it nothing seems to work it s like my mind is broken i feel like an evolutionary failure a cancerous lump meant to be excised from a healthy society i feel like i ve given up on myself

hi about an hour ago i opened my bearded dragon enclosure and picked him up to find him dead im so distraught and i feel like such a terrible person he wa about year old i ve had him since i wa and i m now he wa year old when i got him in the last month or so my mental health ha been very bad and i ve been working day a week and not had time to care for him at all this is my fault and i m so upset he wa counting on me to take care of him and i couldn t i m so disturbed by the way he looked when i picked him up his eye were black and sunken in and he wa completely limp i don t think i m ever going to forgive myself for this i just feel like the most awful human being alive i m going to miss him so much he wa really special to me even though i ve been unintentionally neglectful there s so much i could have done i just don t know what to do i feel so evil ha anyone else lost a pet

vent cry needed to get it out it s been month since we had our miscarriage thing were looking up a my cycle wa finally back to normal i wa meant to ovulate this week and i felt hopeful last night i wa waiting for my husband to get home from work and he wa about hour late i wa getting so worried when i finally received a knock on the door police officer informed me that my husband had been in a fatal car accident devastated doesn t cut it i can t fathom life without him something that hurt and keep running through my head right now is two thing i am about to go through our lost baby due date alone while also grieving my husband to have my rainbow baby i will now need to find a new partner and then get to the stage of a relationship to even fathom trying again so let s say year minimum by then i will be considered a mature pregnancy and likely find it hard and be high risk i don t know what to do i don t know how i can carry on he wa my world i can t do this without him

i don t know if i want to wipe who i am and have been for so long now or if i want to wipe ou my existence so long i ve told myself and forced myself to live just one more day because one day or another it will be different right one day or another it will be better right these day there s another loud thought i have not being here at all is different it is better it might not be the most pleasant choice but it is a choice all the same and it is the only choice that say you ll never have to hurt again you ll never have to hold your hand when you break you ll never ave to cry again it will all end forever this thought is the only thing that seems to care about me anymore

why is it that whenever i try to change or become better and i so i go chase new experience and end up going through learning or doing different thing it just becomes a bad memory i feel a if everything i had positive aspect to turn into something negative thing i think will turn out for the better turn out to be bad and miserable which make everything in my past and present miserable can anyone else relate or understand what i m trying to say it s hard to explain in word

i keep thinking of her a transphobic because a year and a half ago she told me all her thought of transgender and now i don t feel comfortable talking to her about it

i m coming back around from a deep hole of depression out of the last couple day maybe some of my hardest my life is a whirlwind and i accidentally got off my med for day one day off will really throw me didn t even realize that i didn t take my med until thing calmed down that th day i wa posting here yesterday and some of you really helped me out i m on the other side of it now and just want to thank this sub it wa a brutal low that lasted for sooo long i m on the other side now if i could go back to tell myself anything it s this hold on yes life suck but your brain is lying to you you got ta wait until it start telling you the truth again it s hard and it suck it suck major donkey ball you can t see any good right now i know you have to believe me it s imperative so just hold on

i stopped taking ssri about month ago and have been really depressed and anxious since i don t have adhd but i have an adderall prescription and take 0mg xr about time a week i am trying to find alternative to taking medication for depression so i picked up some 0mg htp supplement is it safe to take the two together if not would it be safe to take the adderall in the morning and htp at night

need someone to talk to

okay long text post here i been depressed the past year of my life 9 now you know just typical depression not until recently i started getting like suicidal thought and ideation not so sure why i started dating my boyfriend about a year ago and he is the light of my world and had helped me pretty much a lot i m not too sure why these thought and feeling are coming back to me harder than ever my med cymbalta quit working so i switched them then the new one make me actually fucking insane pristiq i can t even trust myself to be alone i am just thinking about killing myself and dying all that mumbo jumbo my anxiety ha been through the roof a well i also have insomnia which we have not found the right med for that yet either so my whole life and brain is a cluster fuck it would be so easy to end it i never have had panic attack until this new pristiq i ve also tried lexapro prozac and a few others which weren t for me they either make me zombie or literally nothing at all is different can someone give me your input on what i should maybe try to do my sleep ha also been fucked the past few year i stay up for day at a time bc i can t fall asleep i m either not tired or j literally can t actually fall asleep now i have seroquel a needed i don t take that make me feel weird zaleplon a needed it literally doesn t work on me not too sure why but whatever and hydroxyzine and guess what that one doesn t work either sleep ha make me fail in school cant concentrate cant study cant do work mood brain fog every day oh but back to my bf just typing about him make me tear up i miss him so much i m afraid that i m going to scare him away with my craziness i m also pretty sure i m bipolar but maybe i m not but his family doe not have problem like that i m thinking i need to kill myself before he leaf me or after he leaf me bc after he leaf that will be it he s like my last string of hope to keep me from ending it anyone relate

i feel trapped and like there s no way out everything feel like shit i went through ton of family and mental health issue but i soldiered on and i got my college diploma in social science and my bachelor degree in sociology i wa on the dean s list i worked my as off through mental illness and exhaustion and i m in thousand of dollar debt i did everything people told me to do keep going get a degree take out loan and now i can t find a fucking job that doesn t pay total shit public transit is beyond atrocious i just have 0k debt staring at me in the face every time i open my bank app i ve applied to hundred of job hundred of job my brother want me to go back to school and get more debt more fucking debt he want me to leave my boyfriend and move to another province i can t talk to him about my issue because every time that s all he suggests same with my best friend my dad life in a tiny town in newfoundland and make shit wage my mom life somewhere in ontario and ha made no effort to help me out despite not getting to see me grow up due to a nasty divorce i have no will left i m afraid i m gon na snap and go crazy i try really really hard to be positive but it s really hard to keep it up i feel like i m in one of those trap where the wall are slowing squishing you until you die please doe anyone have any advice anyone i m dying my hope is fading so fast

i m always pointed at when something bad happens to me and i never know if i m to blame or not

i m feeling so bad i can t function anymore and will probably be hospitalised but i got a message from a teacher saying i wa missing too many class and referring me to the school s psychologist what can i do

i hate life hate living every day i wake with no energy and no will no to move further in life it ha beatin me down again and again all i do is work i have friend but never stop feeling lonely the one thing that keep me tethered to this reality is my cat who is currently screaming outside my door i don t care though i haven t cared about much in a long time i think i ve had enough of this world maybe someone reading this will be able to be stronger than me but i think i ve had enough i just don t know what to do and there only seems to be one compact sized way out i m lost

there are so many time where i feel the need to ask for help and i just try to push through it by myself because i know people are struggling with their own stuff i am tired of feeling like i need other people but also not feeling like i can be self sustaining idk

sometimes i feel like a footnote in everyone life and that if i disappeared one day that no one would notice

there were few class that interested me in college i chose a class called film amp acting and wa told i d could do video editing in that class turn out it wa a theatre class and i soon i wa doing absolutely nothing because i wasn t provided anything to do in the class am i stupid for not reading the description of the class that wasn t on the paper and can t find on the website

every opportunity i have i always end up embarrassing myself no matter what thing like just communicating and anything that ha to do with the real world is so hard for me to get right i m so insecure and soft spoken and everyone probably know me a that weird shy kid thing i do when i m on my own like talking to myself or doing anything weird would never be okay in front of others i m never aware of what i do until somebody notice me and i get embarrassed instantly and i m so ashamed of myself i probably will never see anyone romantically or have any close friend because i m so immature and childish

so far this year hasn t exactly been easy i ve been out of work cause my grandpa had back pain that he had to get surgery for then he had to be put in the hospital due to internal bleeding then he got diagnosed with cancer then he had to go to the hospital again due to fluid build up and if that weren t enough something happened between my dad and stepmom that had me afraid that they were gon na get a divorce or something thankfully thing had be getting better lately i managed to get an xbox series x my grandpa is out of the hospital and making a lot of progress on regaining his strength thing are now better between my dad and stepmom and a game i ve been eagerly looking forward to tiny tina s wonderland will be releasing this friday however my enthusiasm is starting to rain dramatically now i m getting to the point where i d have to work on final assignment and honestly i m not exactly feeling great about them one for my technical writing class ha so many step and aspect i have to try and think about that even though it s the one that ha me the least worried i feel myself getting depressed thinking about it but a for my maine history class that s the one that really ha me overwhelmed for that i have to write a term paper of at least double spaced page on an issue in maine history not only is that by far the biggest paper i would have to write since 0 0 but it s on a subject that i m seriously not exactly passionate about even though i m from maine i can t exactly think of any big issue in the state s history let alone one s i can write page about the closest thing i thought of is the fact that paleontology is very limited in this state but i m not exactly sure if that subject will fly and i m almost certain that won t be able to turn that into page now i m at the point where i m just absolutely sick of college and what assignment like this keep doing to me and my mental health i swear once i have enough credit for my associate degree i am fucking done with this shit i could keep going for my bachelor s but since i m going part time it will take me another year and i can t stand the idea of having to go through all that for that much longer