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so in the next chapter of wanting to kill myself the psychiatrist changed my medication and a a result i am currently prescribed these two new bad boy ha anyone had any luck with them

i am finally checking myself into the hospital for suicidal ideation i don t think they will be able to help me but at least i will be safe and not a risk to anyone else i am pretty scared it will be the end of my marriage maybe of my job i put this off for a long time but i am not safe i wish so badly i had never been born

well hello everyone i m in a bit of a crossroad in life i m year and currently in my rd year of law school but i will have to repeat it probably again because of slacking off it all started during the pandemic when university switched to online mode i slowly slided into video game addiction and eventually depression i got very behind on my study and nearly forgot the thing i learned in the past now that uni ha started to have live lesson my body and my mind are still living in pandemic lockdown mode i go to part time work in retail to sustain myself but other than that i choose to skip class almost entirely i started being afraid of university itself lost all interest before the pandemic i wa very keen on my study every time i look any of my friend up i get a panic attack cause i feel like life is moving on and i m stuck between these dormitory wall cause basically all my peer from high school have graduated or are other way succesful in their life already have purchased home of their own etc i m in this limbo for year now last week i kind of had a mental breakdown i don t know if it wa a side effect of the rabies vaccine i took not so long ago cause the doctor told me to avoid any alcohol stressing for at least a month i dont drink at all but stress alot about my past and the future but after the so called mental breakdown i decided enough is enough and it s time to part way with my study i called up a relative of mine that would vouch for me in a job interview for a international cargo transportation company and let me try out a a intern sale manager tought this could be a interesting choice for me cause i speak language of them very common i live in europe but i m now in the last step of leaving uni almost got all affair in order and went to in my mind to the last chess practice in the evening i m also an avid chess player been playing all my life and after the training session i discussed my plan with my chess coach which opinion i value very much told about how i feel and he urged me to stay my main point wa that i m not progressing in life and he motivated that i ll get through this and that he know many people who spent 0 year until they have finished university that he would help me anyway he can ect and walking from practice i had a chat with some colleague from the chess club on my way home just about casual stuff and it hit me that i don t want to leave this place these people and want to persue the dream diploma and when i entered my dorm room it hit me again the same place with the same room mate who i have seen for the last year who i admit is a bad influence cause he gave up on his study long ago ha a full time semi dead end job and spends his off day playing video game all day so before going to bed i jumped on my laptop created a reddit account and started writting this text sorry that it is kind of a mess cause i m just typing my heart out i suspect also that i m kind of a bipolar guy cause of constant mood swing between motyvation and helplesness also possible add but never diagnosed never considered psych evaluation an option cause it could disqualify me from numerous position in law sphere of employment my parent suggest i change my living location from the dormitory and rent a private room somewhere in town a of this moment i have conflicting thought about trying to get out of this mess by finishing what i have started or just leaving everything after year and starting new without a degree i feel atached to this place but i also im sure it s killing me regard a depressed law student

i will always be a loser and nothing can change it if i become a billionaire if i date the most beautiful woman i will always be a sad loser it doesn t matter woman will always see me a an inferior person even if they like me

i ll try to keep it a short a possible for the past year i have been struggling with frequent wave of deep depression lasting for day or week but at the same time i have time where im just ok dont have any self esteem issue self image issue and etc so in the end all im trying to figure out if this is normal or if it a type of depression though i couldnt find anything similar to it or bipolar disorder which also seems somewhat unlikely because i never have manic or extremly energetic episode i just want to know if what im dealing with so ill have a clearer idea about how to act further

i finally have something to look forward to im starting a garden with my mom and she s putting me in charge of keeping all of the plant healthy im really looking forward to this and i hope this will help me slowly get better

i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right

i m wa waiting in the clinic waiting for my turn then a young woman who seemed happy came in and sat next to me a couple of minute later we started talking it wa le than a month since my first visit i thought that after a month or two i will be the same person a i wa before some event that i don t want to mention here mainly because it s unrelated to my main question in this post but a couple of minute later that thought seemed to be a wish because the mentioned lady said she had been visited by countless doctor and it is year that she is suffering from depression i wa frightened and wondering if someday i realize year have passed and i m also still trying to recover my mental health since that day i have seen some people out there who are under treatment for year or are treatment resistant are they special patient or it is true about everyone how do i know if i ll ever be cured and if so how long doe it take it scare me if i have to live with it for the rest of my life hence i m asking if any hope is there

i have not felt normal in month i have not had a day in month my chest hasn t felt like it wa compressing on itself or a day that my heart doesn t thud through my chest i tried to figure myself out i tried to use resource but it so fucking hard to reach out when you feel like shit i attempted via shrooms to figure it out fucking stupid to some people i know half my trip wa good half i shook trapping myself into a corner a my jaw clenched the next day i felt great like i conquered something i told a friend that i didn t want to die i want to live two day later i am screaming in my room pissed off i hate myself i am actually going to go buy some fucking razor because my huge knife is dull it never going to end is it this fucking demonic shit will never leave me and it make me feel so horrible the dread of any task the feeling no one really want you there the anxiety you get when you talk to much about something your passionate about i can feel when someone distance themselves and they just did now my brain go a million mile an hour wondering what the fuck is wrong with me i no longer will trust anyone i can t take the feeling of it being able to end in disaster i hate my life i hate how i hurt people and can t fix them i hate how i stared in the mirror tripping ball but did not feel scared or mad or terrified i looked at a broken man trying to reach out and help the man i saw the stranger

i wan na start by saying i feel like i have nothing left i m and i have no money broken car bad job abusive toxic friend i m so mentally broken i can t hold onto companionship i need attention from the people i love and i go crazy mentally when i m alone i ve finally reached the point where i can t think straight anymore i let my friend who i deeply loved and thought wa close with me take advantage of me and massively hurt me to a point where i m getting trauma because of the situation i got attached online to a bunch of people who wanted to care about me and told me that they loved me only for me to send selfies and their entire mood change i feel like a monster i m so filled with rage and bitterness and sadness the thing i take enjoyment in make me mad i constantly check my one friend status every min and see her happy with others and rage just shoot over me the thing they did to me affected me so much mentally and it s making me insane i can t cope anymore i need someone new i need this pain to lessen before i go crazy what do i do please someone tell me

sometimes my life seems great and i tend to blow off my emotion to make myself feel better about my current situation right after graduating college with honor i suddenly wa hit the truth about adulthood expectation weren t suddenly brought up to my face and if i wanted to improve it wa completely up to myself if i wanted to reach it yet i wa complacent i started drinking heavily since i couldn t depend on weed anymore due to my job search which lead to me getting arrested for a dwi which resulted in me getting fired from my job 000 dollar later i met a woman that made me happy with who i wa and what i stood for and i m about to start a job at a national bank more recently we ve started getting into fight and she want me to get mad at her but i start falling in a self pity party and instead of getting mad at her i tell myself i deserve every bit of anger coming out of her i cower and just want thing to start getting better emotionally and don t know how to get there

i am currently a senior at a prestigious college i worked really hard in high school to get there living a a lower middle class kid going to a high school that provided terrible education i never needed a pill or therapy or anything until my first breakup and my first year of college something shifted immediately suddenly i wa depressed i didn t have any plan for the future and i still don t over the year i used validation from sex with men social status and a crippling shopping addiction to deal and it ha been in and out but always there i started going on medication in college i am currently on anti depressant and vyvanse a i can no longer find any energy to do a single thing if i don t take it i hate it it make me even more miserable and my mood swing worse but hey at least i can get out of bed seeing my friend have the energy to go out on weekend them getting prestigious job being put together and looking at myself who ha no job lined up my partner is amazing but doesn t love me and i am in a shit ton of financial debt from personal debt like credit card to school loan i really lost any drive i had i ve been unhappy the whole time i ve been here for the past year it is absolutely fucking exhausting living like this my brain is always caught in negative thought loop i am so stressed that my neck and upper back are in pain i use kratom and other anxiety relief to cope my mood swing are horrible and even just fucking talking myself down every single day is so tiring i can t do this anymore i hate myself so much i hate my life i hate my diseased brain nothing help i m not even a good person a lot of the time knowing that i have to deal with this mental illness while working my entire life is too much to bear sometimes i am so angry i hit my head against the wall and hit myself with my hand i have so much anger and rage inside of me that never go away i don t even feel capable of learning anymore i am convinced my brain can no longer retain information and that i m just fucking stupid and worthless i want to die i really really can t take it much longer

i m tired of trying to be happy i m tired of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after how many half glass is it acceptable to see them a half empty literally i have so much to say and i can t say a word small rant pardon my sudden lapse

i had to take my dad off life support in september my mom almost died my mom ha abandoned me more time than i can count her and her bf of 0 year and a few other relative have been so abusive to me i m on disability and i m trying to find my first job at i get interview but no job yet i really only have one friend but i think he s trying to distance himself from me i m trying to save up for a car so i can drive to work when i get a job all of this is stressful i ve always felt like a bird in a tiny cage with it wing clipped my depression is coming back and i have a habit of isolating myself from all communication and i m feeling the urge to do it again i need advice on so many thing how to improve life how to manage my depression and mental stuff all advice welcome

i don t know how i feel my mind is a mess and feeling are confusing i have no idea what i m doing or how to get better or if i m even getting better but i don t know anything and this probably make no sense but i just needed to vent a little

so i wa on my way home from the gym and i noticed this guy wa driving in the middle of the road i thought by time i got to him he would have gotten over but he didn t i swerved out of the way at the last second but i hesitated and wa almost ready to just accept my fate is this normal

i feel like i m going to go in a bad place mentally i keep trying to rationalize i can t control what others do but i can control what i think and how i behave it s hard the last time my anxiety wa this bad i ended up in the er i don t want to get that bad again but it s so hard i hate my mind i know that this anxiety is just going to put me into a deep depression

so i ve been browsing this sub for a while don t have much to do today so i figured i might a well vent on here i guess to introduce myself i m currently and just recently left the active duty army to attend college on an rotc scholarship about month ago prior to that i wa deployed to afghanistan for about 0 month it s almost hard to even recall the person i used to be back then i wa so mentally strong and confident in myself and my purpose ironically despite working hour day seven day a week under constant threat of getting blown up i can t remember a time when i wa better off mentally like nothing in the world could stop me a i had a plan and wa going to stick with it and if i did end up getting murked i wa just fine with that too i stayed pretty safe for the most part although i did have a pretty close call with a rocket that landed in a ditch on the hill below the building i worked in it obviously scared the ever living fuck out of me and everyone else but after like 0 minute we were all laughing about how close that one wa and how if only the stupid guy had aimed higher he would have got u the whole affair really only strengthened my resolve and made the return home that much better getting back to the state wa probably the best moment of my life even if it wa right in the middle of covid lol i don t want to sound like i m trying to flex my great strength or anything i m just trying to describe who i wa then to who am i now a they aren t even remotely the same person problem started to arise for me around month after getting back after the novelty of being back home wore off i started to experience this weird sense of dissociation and depressive episode that would sometimes last for an hour to a day and then i would suddenly snap back to what i considered a normal state of mind these normally entailed feeling of hopelessness and dread like something in my head just wasn t ticking right and when it came to social situation it wa like i wa operating on a different frequency than everyone else like i could hear and understand them but there wa no emotion behind the word it wa distracting but manageable at that point and i just chalked it up to being burned out at work and figured once i got off active duty and into college thing would greatly improve fast forward to the first semester of college and unfortunately thing have not gone a i imagined in term of school and finance i m doing fine and everything is going according to plan externally but internally i seem to be slowly degrading bit by bit the depressive episode became more intense to the point where i would physically lock up tighten my muscle grind my teeth and it feel like my head is throbbing from all the negative thought it is nearly impossible to sleep in this state thanks to the extreme anxiety but then i would wake up the next morning and feel fine barely being able to remember how i felt the night before the cycle never stopped though and then the thought of well if you just ended it this wouldn t be a problem anymore started to kick in and that s when it really started to snowball downhill fast at this point in time it feel like i m in this depressive state nearly all the time it s only a matter of how bad it s going to be today the dissociative feeling have been cranked up to and conversation just feel like emotionless formality i can no longer connect with friend and family the way i used to like i said earlier it s like we re not on the same frequency if that make any sense the thought of suicide are ever present and feel like a big red emergency eject button begging to be pressed the only escape from these feeling are partying drug and alcohol which are great temporarily but eventually everyone go back to their life you sober up and reality slap you in the face even harder than it did last time i ve also developed a very odd fear of human intimacy that i really can t explain for instance i m a virgin which is a huge insecurity of mine and pretty embarrassing i know i always figured when i m in college i ll meet plenty of woman so there s no need to be insecure about it however i ve had several instance where woman have come onto me and i m totally comfortable with the conversation and flirty talk but once it get physical even just them grabbing me it trigger this instant fear and panic response and i make up an excuse and leave in a manic state then beat myself up for the next week about how much of a pussy i am this is honestly one of the major contributor to my broken self image a couple of week ago i randomly started bawling in my car for over an hour and honestly don t even remember why i m not eating much anymore maybe only like one meal a day and my cognitive performance motivation ha declined significantly my sleep schedule is a total mess i ll either sleep for hour and wake up from nightmare in cold sweat or sleep for and not want to get out of bed and face reality what really prompted me to post this though wa that last week i got really drunk and ended up putting a gun to my head without even thinking about it and then i realized what i wa doing that s when i kind of told myself holy shit man this is real and something is very wrong with you i need some kind of help i know but if i m diagnosed with any kind of mental health condition i ll lose my scholarship and i ve just worked too damn hard for it i ve openly told some of my close friend and family directly that i m having suicidal thought but the response is always oh c mon man your way too strong for that or you re just in a slump right now it ll pas a much a i appreciate having people who care for me and appreciate the sentiment it doesn t do much to alleviate anything i feel like i wa never meant to live this long and that that rocket wa supposed to kill me that day but i m living in some kind of an alternate reality where i survived and nothing make sense anymore at least then i could have died strong and confident rather than broken i had a friend who wa killed over there and honestly i wish i could trade place with him he deserves this life more than i do sorry i turned this into an essay but it feel good to get this out of my head for once if you read this long i hope you can relate or at least get something out of it and thank you finally i ll leave you with a song i ve been listening to on repeat for the past week lmao http www youtube com watch v ksjrcczo

exactly year ago my mental health went down hill drastically i felt alone sad and unloved also adding up to that what i start realising now a very strange circle of friend one year after that nothing really changed and there were some point where it got even worse but then everything started to change i started hanging out with my people again even tho they did nothing for me when i wa at my lowest but who care my grade where decent and i started to get happy again most importantly i meat my now girlfriend which is a whole other story that s the thing that s going around my head most of the time atm but now i have been in quarantine for day and everything fall apart i can t stop thinking about stuff that make me sad everything overwhelmes me and my head hurt from thinking maybe you can call it voice but i m not sure if i make that up causo of the fact i have a high risk for schizophrenia it s am right now and i can t sleep maybe someone would like to text a bit that s what i did very often in the past dark time anyway thx for reading this

i feel there is nobody in my life besides my direct family the last few year have been a process of self isolation and i don t know why up until a few week ago i wa relatively okay i don t know if my medication ha stopped working or if it s just all hitting me at once now but i feel terrible i literally go to coffee shop just for the social interaction with the cash register i need friend but don t know where to find them even though i m comfortable in social situation i ve never been so alone this is a plea anybody whether you are suffering or not please reach out to me if you want to talk about anything

im tempted to choose death not through a bullet through my head or a rope or some pill but through starvation to test and see if my desire to die really is stronger than my carnal will to live to finally feel alive in my body a i weaken day by day and feel myself shrivel and decay just like how this depression ha been eating away at my mind i want it to symbolically show to be eating away at my body and to die gracefully paper delicate skin and bone lay over the ground carelessly wrapped in a blanket to be kissed by death to know i have a set amount of day left to live the people around me will be alarmed a i visibly start to die before their eye then ill finally see who care for me to atleast experience what it would feel like to not be obese once in my life

i m a ci straight white guy with a good education and a decent job yet still i can t stop this incredibly self hatred i can t stop feeling so pathetic and desperate and worthless i should be so grateful for all the luck i ve been given but not doing so only fuel my self hatred even more i don t know if this is relatable and i don t know if this is just further compounding how shitty it is of me to be fortunate and still hate myself

this person mean the world to me so this hurt more than i can ever describe from what they have told me they haven t really struggled with mental illness so how do i make them understand

why cant it just fucking stop the pain is just too much sometimes all i wan na say is im sorry to the people i really care about i feel like a bad person who need to change and get better but i dont wan na do it for me i wan na do it for them im sorry i dont know whats wrong with me i really dont and it genuinely scare me maybe i should get help this is a wake up call ig fuck

i wa texting my friend about something going on in life i wrote a fucking paragraph about it and how s it making me feel and what not and i got word back i m here for you the thing is i said i don t even think there s a point and she said whatever i can t help just go away i ficking hate people when they need me im always there but when i need them i m just a fucking burden but whatever i m a fucking idiot every time i need someone they are not here for me but anytime someone need me i am wtf did i do

i wa always considered lazy by my friend and teacher growing up i never did the chore around the house or clean my room now im and i realise im just like my father he ha no friend he sleep all day except of when he is working he drink every night he never go out except of work and grocery he doesnt care about his appearance or hygiene my mom and sister always despised him and they have been mean to him because he doesnt do anything around the house and now they started treating me badly too my sister look at me with disgust they compare to my fater to insult me the truth is im extremly lazy i sometimes skip school because im too lazy to shower get up early in the morning and get dressed and all that stuff if i dont leave the house i dont even brush my teeth or shower my room is a mess and it doesnt really bother me that much it s just that im ashamed being disgusting doesnt bother me is that okay oh and i sit in bed all day i do study for school so i dont fail but i do it from my bed the thing is i am not lazy enough to eat i actually eat too much i do wish i would die sometimes but i think it is because i dont really enjoy anything except of being online all the time i am just too lazy to do anything else i dont know i might just be mentally lazy throwaway because i dont want anyone to see that on my main and thank you if u have read this far

i never really noticed or i guess wa aware of my depression until a few year ago when i really started losing motivation and interest in my hobby i am a full time university student who work job and right now this depression ha taken a peak i live alone in a bedroom apartment with my dog my living situation is shit but it s not shit my apartment management renovating the entire building so i have drilling throughout the day which suck cause i work night and midnight so when i do need to sleep i can t i want to move out but i can t because i m literally paying cheaper than a bachelor s apartment anywhere else then there s school i don t even know why i m in school at this point i had a plan and dream for myself in high school and honestly my parent ruined that for me when i took my year off and chose to stay home just so i could move out they really made sure to make me feel like shit which just made me feel like shit throughout the four year of me being in university i m supposed to be graduating in spring and i wa stupid enough to go home during the reading week which created a huge confrontation between my mother and i which my dad got involved soon after and it went downhill from there i ended up leaving early and honestly after coming back from my parent house it s like my depression went on a downward spiral i used to have a little motivation to at least do the basic thing to help myself but i literally can t bring myself to do anything schoolwork is a drag and make me hate everyone one job i work at is completely great but i have had so many bad experience with being used by employer and fake employee that i m so pessimistic when i get there and i completely separate myself from other employee my second job is even worse because while i don t want to communicate in my first job my second job no one speaks english like literally the entire store is all people from another country it s kind of ridiculous because training is non existent i literally would be standing around if it wasn t for me having past experience working in the same kind of field the employee turnover is ridiculous and the supervisor when they can communicate to me only complain about how they are only working there so because of their visa but once they are full citizen they leave the hour go by so long and working in complete silence frustrating to the point where i had to start wearing earphone while i work and listen to music anyways after typing all of this i know i won t read it over so sorry for any mistake or thing that aren t clear i think honestly i m just too pessimistic and making excuse for myself but this feeling i have in me and the way everything in life is just so upsetting the breakdown and all the fucking cry like i m so over it and i just want to either be content or at least have some kind of method to get through all of this i m so exhausted and i feel like i keep getting the short end of the stick every time

a i continue to learn about myself i feel so much of my depression stem from my personality temperance soul not designed to handle how our world frame itself i am nearing and my life is not going well nor ha it really ever full of trauma isolation depression confusion and anxiety never really worked at a real job when i wa younger i really never understood the idea that you get more comfortable with yourself a you grow older but for me it ha been true i have completely ignored who i am and all of the advice out there is geared towards let s call them person x x is data driven meticulous go from point a to point b in a line disciplined in their specific smart goal way craft category to understand and a lot more if you are an advice hound like me you have seen this person because nearly every piece of advice out there is built for x for you to succeed you must be smart goal oriented you must love the grind of this pattern dominated process you need to do it our way a this is the process i am not x i should have realized tho year ago a even when i play video game i couldn t stand tutorial i d skip all this winded text and i tried to brute force my way through intuition i am more fluid more random while i am constantly thinking and i am thought oriented i feel my thinking process is not quite a category pattern dominate i am best when i do not overthink when i shutdown my ego mind and just go do of course here in the u we have western value people will tell me to get over it this grind is the only way and that this is human nature maybe they re right but believing they re right ha failed me for year right now i am trying to break into a new field copywritig and i am horrified this field is completely dominated by x these tutorial are full of x way of thinking maybe i need to be x to do well in it this post wa sparked by a video that wa explaining the structure of a sale letter i think there wa 0 point thst you need to hit for a successful one which petrified and overwhelmed me btw copywriter think ai will never touch them but the more i learn about how pattern dominated sale is this is the perfect place for automation i mean right now a an example i am seeing a constant assault of people saying to hand write note and comment to active read these sale letter that are important problem is i don t read if i take note note taking is too bothersome it take me away from the text and my thinking of the text note taking for me is a seperate task not an extension of my thinking yet i am told i will fail if i do not do this process that i can not actively read and engage without this i don t know maybe it s true they always say study show this but they never cite the study so who fucking know seriously marketing and copywriting is full of people saying study show x but no citation i literally spend all my energy on just starting when i take note that i usually only read a page or two before giving up i know just grit and grind but i have never been able to but if i just read i can indeed read and get through the text i am not sure how i can do well in this new field or any field really i just don t feel built for it but i am sick of trying to find a field to get into i need to get my life moving i barely know how i work a i have constantly been pushing my o self into an x hole that i have never bothered to see how i function but maybe the x are correct i must be them in order to do really well in life i don t know but i hope i am not the only one that feel like this

not sure if my adhd is on a slump or what but i have nothing i m really interested in right now and then the thing i wa doing also lost my interest so in a desperate attempt to stay occupied i tried some of my old game that i realized i lost the skill to play so then come the rage quit and now for the staring at the ceiling contemplating if this is a normal thing my depression or even just life being cruel i wish i could just enjoy something again

i m so tired of this i don t even know where to start so i ll just say what come up out of the top of my head a i write this i came here so that i could vent about some college related stuff at the beginning of the semester i decided to enroll in class to pick up the pace and get on schedule to graduate i wasn t necessarily looking forward to it but i wasn t regretting it either until now that is since the start of the semester i ve been feeling like i just can t pay attention i find all my class to be extremely uninteresting and i don t even take note every week is just a struggle to get through it without any prep time for the next one i swear there hasn t been one week where i don t have any homework all five of my class have already given the first partial exam later than usual and a expected they were all essentially at the same time it wasn t until this week that all the result came back and obviously it wasn t pretty so for the first partial exam out of all five i got f s in of them a c pretty proud of it actually and a b i know that perhaps i haven t been trying my hardest since i really don t pay attention in class i watch the recording and study for them later but i wa devastated regardless i spent countless hour studying for them only to see failure hit my liver i have so little energy that i can t even cry about how i failed the first exam of of my class i ve been so stressed out that a rash started popping up in my neck and chest i ve never been failing this hard in my life and frankly i m scared i can t show my true emotion because i don t want anyone to worry and i can t talk to my therapist because of the time my study consume at the end of the day all i feel is anxiety and the despair of having to repeat class and be even further behind schedule for graduation

feeling embarrassed about taking time off from work for grief depression i just recently lost a loved one about week ago and although the grief shock and mourning ha subsided i m now dealing with some depressive symptom that are making it a bit challenging to perform at work i tried to go back after only a week and i didn t do so well so my manager advised i take the rest of this week off to deal with thing and then come back next week i work in mental health so i have a very understanding workplace but i just feel so embarrassed about this a i m a graduate in a new job concerned people are talking about me worried about all that i m missing out on whilst taking this time off worried that it look bad on my behalf i m just feeling very ashamed atm even though it s not my fault i explained to my manager what i m going through e g depression lowered capacity to function and i feel embarrassed even about that just being so vulnerable feel very odd if anyone ha any similar story please let me know

hi i m year old student who s moving abroad for university i moved when i wa 9 the first year wa super exciting and everything is going better than ever but since i started the real university i wa 0 y o everything is crashing down for me i don t have any spirit or willingness to study make friend or even do everyday job i always sleep and just do nothing else i changed my major once and changed to my favorite major but still i can do nothing i m always tired i feel like i m a useless potato who s just wasting everybody s time i only did exam in the span of year i can t concentrate at all i miss my old self i used to be the top student since i wa a kid and i don t know why am i like this right now my uni is a mess i have no friend and i don t even have the energy to try to fix those what should i do drop out isn t an option for me doe anybody have any suggestion thank you and sorry for my bad english english isn t my first language

life is so fucked human are so fucked and cruel and hedonistic and trash and mean and disgusting humanity deserves to die out a a specie so this planet and the animal that get constantly fucked by u can finally have their rest

hello my life is a rollycoster 0 year ago i married a wonderful man he wa everything to me im from spain and i met him in a navy base he wa a usmarine we had a baby girl in 00 and moved to camp pendleton i wa so happy in our house with our baby well one day told me that he wa going to irak so i wa so sad scared depressed and proud i spent all the time cry waiting for his letter and thanks god he came back home safe but he wa not mu husband anymore he wa a different man stress anger yelling all the time i spent 0 year trying to help him but even the cop came home and the cop told him that he had a wonderful wife and he wa going to lose me and that wa when my dad died i took my kid back to spain and a new life well year after that a met a man he wa olfer than me but i feel in love and now im stuck my now husband for year treat really bad my kid and me not phisically but mentally he is just i had a breast cancer year ago my exhusband wa there for me still have a good relation with him he is my best friend and now with depression sad anxiety and feel just love for my kid and i cant leave because it will look bad in my family and because finantially a cant go anywhere so i think i wont be happy and live this live well sorry i need to get this out of my heart i think with time i will be stronger because after the cancer treatment im just so tired depressed fatigue

it doesn t help that they just split up meaning it s harder to spend time with them know i have many year left with them but i m only 9 they re amp 0 but i can see them ageing physically they re slowing down and all i want is to freeze time it hurt my heart

every second i m awake is like a nightmare i want to wake up from except it s real life it s real life and i feel trapped in my head i like being asleep i like being shut away from the earth i wish i could sleep forever i hate life

got graded e for three of my lesson and it triggered something in me it reminded me of how much a worthless degenerate that i am i m so fucking stressed out i never normally let it get to me but this year last year of school it ha started to hurt me on top of that my rib mostly center part arm and back all fucking hurt it s not even an ache there s this physical pain that hurt and it make me feel weak and even more depressed

this is kind of a weird question this week ha been kind of low and slow life turned into a little more greyscale and i can feel an imminent depressive episode coming to say hey but i don t wan na do that right now i need to be focused right now on school for the near future and it s absolutely the worst time to sulk in my bed every day i know this is a fruitless attempt anyways but how do i block this episode out before my mind shuts down how do i recharge my battery before it even run out fuck you depression fuck you

i ve always been told that student life is the best time of your life i want to laugh i live it a the worst my friend are all stressed and depressed by their situation overall i feel that people are afraid to talk to each other in person and prefer network and dating apps people are desperately looking for themselves they re going to school and they don t like it i feel like my generation is massively sad and lost in many way i m is it just me or is that you have the same feeling

i ve been on zoloft for about week now and i m starting to feel uncomfortably neutral i usually dissociate in different way often feeling like i m in a dream but this feel like a different type of dream it just feel so off like i can t tell if it s a dream or not i m missing my normal suicidal absolutely miserable messed up self i ve been on antidepressant so far in my life and none have significantly helped me i feel like they re doing nothing but mushing my brain and making my vision worse i spoke to my doctor today planning to just get off of them entirely i ended up staying on them though a he said that me feeling neutral is a good thing he also said they shouldn t mess with my vision even though i ve seen ton of people say they can i don t understand why there only seem to be two option be extremely miserable and want to kill myself constantly and feel a billion other weird negative indescribable thing or take pill constantly feel absolutely nothing struggle to make sense of anything that s going on a if my mind is just completely blank and miss the other option i wish i could be one of the people that are genuinely happy and have reason behind it i can t make reason nothing about myself or the future matter to me and i can t convince myself otherwise i could still die right now and it would be whatever i just don t care about anything because i can t feel anything right now i just wouldn t want my family or friend to experience that that s still my only reason even now if i didn t have the worry of my family and friend grieving the death of me i d kill myself so i suppose i miss the constant presence of my suicidal thought but the desire is still there it s like there s an itch under my skin that i can t scratch and a ticklish discomfort in my chest i don t understand the feeling but i just miss the thought part of me think that it s only a matter of time before they come back and part of me is afraid that they never will it s so bizarre that you can practically become addicted to it perhaps it is the comfort of the consistency that i love and the change and uncertainty of what s to come that is so frightening to me that sound incorrect though a i just don t care about my future i just feel extra scared and disconnected in this current state of mind though i still want to stop existing to stop feeling this way i feel indifferent to the idea of suicide it feel le enticing but so doe absolutely everything in life i miss the enticement of suicide that i normally feel i want to want to kill myself i want to think about it constantly and that make me feel guilty it make me feel like all of these year i ve just been selfish subconsciously doing thing only for attention and that i m continuing to do exactly that however i know i ve not an emotional abusive relationship and genetics just messed me up i guess i have no idea i missed the abuse too before i started missing the consistency of my suicidal thought now i just feel indifferent to everything about her i don t know i m writing and deleting a good bit of stuff i constantly feel like nothing i m saying is even accurate i just don t know what s going on i just feel like i m in a white void mentally i apologize for my rambling and lack of structure in this post i hope this can at least bring some comfort to anyone out there who may be feeling something similar in any way

hi i m an yr old guy from germany i had a quite good childhood exept that i wa bullied my low class in school and didn t have any friend now i have quite many friend and a good place to work but anytime i am alone i overthink everything and that make me sad my friend say that i am one of the happiest and funniest person they know but when i am alone it s the complete different i worry about my friendship my loved one and my family and that i am not good for this world i mean i am nice to everyone and try to make everyone happy but the most don t give back anything and i can t be mean to them and ignore them because my heart won t let me that make me think a lot i think i really need a person that i can talk to when i am sad and lonely

during my therapy session today my therapist mentioned that when people struggle with depression it often affect their perception and decision making in dating i do not personally struggle with depression but i recently dated someone who doe i wa wondering how often doe depression affect your perception and decision making when it come to dating

after month of not feeling well i dont recognize myself my skin is ghostly the texture of my face is bad along with breakout and other gross stuff my hair is gross and my body is just so mushy and gross now unhealthy food comfort me sm tho how can i maintain beauty body care with way le effort

hello people i feeling today sad because i cry about my family we do not talk much it is not that fun to grow in a family like that because i wish we communicate more about feeling thought experience and many more thing i wish i can understand myself and express my feeling to the world sometimes i feel like a strange and think what i thought and feel is wrong i do not like that my parent and grandma always criticies me what i have to do and what is wrong and right they had father died 0 year ago suicied this aggression voice that let me feel stupid and childish i scare sometimes to say what i think because they will be aggressive in a physicil and psychic way it like they do not want to understand who i am im nobody it suck and thats the reason i want to write it here down because i do not want to hide myself i do not want be alone in this world i want to be a part in this society now im cry i want to be huge and to be listend i want to cry and say what i do not like i want to be like who i have to be i want to explore the world and myself i do not want do thing that i doesnt like why ha the world feeling have to be this way why i have to suffer like this i think people who ha depression need more attention because they suffer to much in this world thx for reading maybe u want to say something or not bye

it s coming back i m sinking again i can t do anything in life i have superior study yet i can not get a job i have friend and a girlfriend but i still feel lonely because they are busy and i have nothing to do i m all alone with my thought and i ve been for too long it s all coming back again i even feel suicidal again they promised u a happy life if we put enough effort where the fuck is my happy life my job my own house the joy fuck them all i wan na burn the fucking world down and then end myself

bliss peace rest ease solidified finite

everything ha just been too much my job suck and i don t even make enough money to afford my rent my husband and i have had to go hungry while we wait for our paycheck which i might add are not nearly enough to get through the week i know i need to get a better job and this wasn t the greatest solution but i m tired of cry and it felt like a relapse when i did it but now i regret it because now someone is probably gon na say something and i m afraid people won t understand how i feel or just haul me off to a psych ward again

is there anyone here who managed to get out of depression if so how did you do it i got stupid lost my creativity and memory lost my energy just everything i am a useless piece of meat who can t even do the most basic thing this life is not worth living i don t want to spend my 0 like this where do i start and what are the thing i should do

it just hit me sadness is everywhere even when im happy it feel like im drowning in sadness

i know that sound weird but i wa talking to my therapist yesterday about how i usually don t realize i am in a bad place until i am out of it and look back at that time long story short we talked about getting better at recognizing it and today i have been feeling really down and sluggish and angry wa i depressed yesterday but just didn t realize it not sure if this ramble make sense but yeah i thought i wa fine yesterday now i am not even though nothing in my life changed

well the title say it all i ve decided to off myself after thursday im not sure how i m going to do it but i m tired of fighting for my life my in law kicked me out and i have to leave on or before the th of april i have no one and no where to go my husband refuse to get an apartment with me because he s not ready i have nothing good to look forward to and i know a soon a i move out he s probably gon na file for divorce so wtf is the point of being heartbroken and alone i m scared death is gon na hurt but it s what i have to do of course i m scared shitless but not being in pain anymore is better than surviving the worst

nice weather here where i live spent a few hour outside grocery shopping i just feel like shit again couple everywhere guy with girl i like young mother father carrying baby or pushing pram around most of which are either my age or younger i never had a girlfriend i find it so hard to even meet woman platonically i never wanted to be a childless man i only have a few friend but they don t want to do much i struggle to push myself to try new thing these day a everything i ever done in life wa a failure obstacle or a setback i really want to kill myself i have been suicidal for year now suffered with general anxiety and depression for almost 0 year either i stay in my flat and just not get triggered by the outside world i e seeing couple and young parent or i end it the latter sound more appealing

i don t have much of anyone that i can call a true friend and it can be very lonely at time i m looking to meet some people that i d be able to talk with about whatever

i am just one step from committing suicide there isn t much left that keep me alive but in reality i want to life i want to be happy but i can t do it anymore nothing ever change

i can t make friend because i m boring i can t socialize without offending someone unintentionally i have so many toxic way and view i m better off dead and not worrying about trying to fit in or be like by anyone anymore the more i try to get out and understand people the worse i feel it s been worse since hitting my 0 s

in their heart they say it okay to kill yourself at least you didn t become school shooter terrorist psychopath killer etc etc and become a nuisance to other people

had a psychiatrist appointment today she said she recommends lexapro to me but i am scared of the side affect and wether not ill gain lose weight if anyone in here is on lexapro could you please tell me what youve had a side affect and wether or not it worked for you thank you

i ve been in therapy a few month cbt he mostly just advises me to try to stay in the present and mediate at first it seemed to help a little but the larger issue i have won t stop bothering me i make good money and i m not bad looking at all but i have basically zero friend and i haven t been on a date in over 0 year im and i ve been thinking about suicide a lot but i obviously can t tell my therapist or he ll get me emergency petitioned im really not sure what to do my anxiety and depression just seems to keep getting worse i can barely get myself to eat most day let alone exercise or try to talk to someone

i need therapy and i finally fully acknowledge it i am an unemployment year old student in lebanon middle east not the u my parent are some old school arab folk that would never entertain the idea of me going to therapy and the fact that i could never share the real reason behind it only make thing harder and the possibility of them cooperating even more impossible thankfully i can figure out how to sneak to therapy behind their back and although i have it really hard money wise i could afford a mid to low budget therapist a long a it will get me anywhere it would be the absolute biggest financial burden ever but i guess i got ta heal my problem among a couple lesser one i am what would be best described a in my own word casually suicidal i have been for so long just wanting to die and although i have no intention to act on it it weighs a lot on you to be jealous out of all thing from people that die around you i am scared that talking about it to a therapist might make her have to break confidentiality another thing that i am worried about is that any therapist i d go to might not be okay with me because of my belief i am pretty certain that my nihilistic philosophy backed by my lack of religious belief would have to be talked about problem is that i live in a muslim community and in these community my perspective on religion isnt taken lightly what is your take your opinion and all of that sorry if the text is messy and all over the place i just wanted to journal and thought that i might use this opportunity to take someone s opinion a well

i ll be 9 tomorrow and i ve been depressed on and off all my life i wa diagnosed at with mdd with manic episode i started a relationship with a wonderful woman last august before i moved across the country and i moved back for her this past december she ended up leaving me in the middle of january because of my mental illness this bout of depression ha hit me the hardest not only am i dealing with my mental illness but i m also dealing with heartbreak it s been over two month since she left me and i ve been stuck in bed pretty much ever since i m medicated and doing cbt but i find it isn t helping the way it should i m moving back in with my parent next month to get my shit in order before tackling life again any tip from this community to help me get better

i feel so trapped and stuck i don t do anything all day long because i simply don t want to do anything period no goal or dream i don t want to be anything or have material thing like a house or car i just want to sleep i don t work or do anything productive everyday is the same and it just so boring being here and feeling like this i m not good enough for anything or anyone and everyone just ignores me anyways i have no friend never dated i hate how i look and it can t be changed i m lazy worthless hopeless i just can t take this anymore nothing work i think about suicide all the time i ve even looked up handgun but even then i need money and i m broke i just don t want to be here anymore knowing i m never going to be content and just a waste

not regularly but sometimes i experience an existential agony wash over me i am not special so i figure there are many others who feel like this hello fellow me s pre tldr maybe you can relate generally i am entirely alone with only exception being at work in an office environment and grocery shopping no friend per say the course of time swallowed those for year i had strived to achieve a normie appearance lifestyle to correct the year of abusive upbringing to my credit i am quite socially competent and financially self sufficient now but new acquaintance just don t click i figure most people have their circle worked out already and on my end i can t easily relate to inauthentic people there ha been positive relationship in my life where i experienced belonging but those each have ended negatively despite my at time to my detriment effort to make a relationship work disappointment fatigue ha accumulated to a point where i have unofficially given up my interest are vast yet spread far too thin i discover i veraciously learn about i try i fail i abandon this tends to be my cycle which additionally sediment guilt of failure rarely i will come across someone who ha those similar interest and is successfully branching into that field and i feel a kind of envy or i could have been like that feeling t h e n i remember that surviving in poisoned soil is hard enough let alone growing tall i expect a lot more of myself than wa logically possible given the circumstance in essence i can not determine if i am in a temporary plateau of development or if i am permanently stunted and will be in this grey area limbo for the rest of my day i take pride in being useful honest and finding answer and i think good karma ha gotten me a long way too hope you have a good day or better than mine atleast

i have a friend group at school yet i feel lonely and helpless i have anxiety and depression i ve always been a big guy 9 0 pound and i ve always been bullied for it i can t get a girlfriend because i m ugly and socially awkward i can t focus on school because i m always tired i can t talk to anyone about my feeling because i hate letting people into my bubble i miss the happy and innocent me at young age my mom left me with my grandma i hate to think what s gon na happen once she dy i hate myself i m ashamed of myself i wan na kill myself i m such a pussy i m afraid that god is real and i ll be punished i m afraid that when i die it will all be black and boring i don t know what s gon na happen if i do it if i fail straight to a hospital if my life doesn t get better i ll do it i hope if i do it i ll be reborn a someone normal and start over

like i the people i know would get very sad if i commited suicide they maybe wouldent what the fuck am i talking about i wa well i wa feeling good just a few day ago but like it wa painfull it wa better to just krep thinking negatively but that hurt too and i font know what i might do in the future i dont like it i font want anything the peeople in my class are just they feel like they are just stupid baby that somehow wa getting educated in my school i hate every one of them my mind is a mess i just want to talk about stuff i dont know what to do my plan to escape depression hasnt worked either i dont have any idea to what to do i dont whant to return to my old state of mind it is horrifiying but at the same time comfortable i wa realy desparate i batteked against deppresion with my weird thinking style and plan but i cant do it any more i dont ser amy bright future ahed of me i want to help people with deppresion but i cant even help my self i dont know if i want to die even tough i have friend i feel lonely and when some one say anything about lonileness or depression i just cant control myself i get so angry that if givven the chance i would tip their head off then i feel guilty at my self i dont know what the hell is going on i am sorry for wasting your time with this post i am realy sorry

that s just about it i m just too tired of myself i wish i wa strong like a lot of you are but i m just too weak to keep going after some thinking i think i m finally going towards my end but i don t feel scared actually i feel some peace i m not gon na do it today there s some thing i need to settle first but i think that s my last month in this place good luck everyone i wish only the best for all of you

tw suicide and self harm so about month ago i had a failed suicide attempt which resulted in my week stay at the psych ward at the time i wa enrolled a a full time student in my senior year when i came back from my hospital stay i found that my school had little to no accommodation so i fell incredibly behind on my work this led to me failing my first class ever prior to this my gpa wa above a and threw my projected graduation date off since then i started a new semester and i again find myself in danger of failing another class required for graduation i feel like my depression make it impossible to succeed in my class every day i have suicidal thought and i ve been cutting myself more than usual i don t know what my next move should be add another semester i still have class left after i fail the one i m currently in i feel like i just want to drop out or else i might legitimately kill myself before i graduate

hi reddit week ago i had an something like epileptic seizure nothing is diagnosed right now i ll have a meeting with a neurologist on friday all i think about it when i get my councious back people around me i live in a dormitory are terrified i love them and i don t want to see them like this i also see myself during seizure emergency doctor gave commend to take a video of me and it wa also so terrified me after everything got normal i don t want to inform my parent a well because they re far away from me in short i hate how i impact my loved one and don t want to inform any of them i just want to die at corner in peace

i ve had this discussion with many people irl including my therapist who said that is very specific to you and i wouldn t go around telling people that lmao when i imagine a world where i have to live forever or i have to follow the natural progression of my age until i die naturally it make me feel suffocated panicked and claustrophobic in my own body the fact is that even if we have lost control over every single thing in our life at least at the very minimum we have control over if that life exists or not i take great solace in the fact that my being on this earth everyday is solely by my choice because if i wanted to i could end it at any point of course i don t because i have people i d be hurting here and i have thing i suppose i need to accomplish before i die but i d be a very big liar if i sat here and said that i don t cope by reminding myself that there is a way out there s always a way out

hi everybody i m and have been suffering from depressing and full blown anxiety since i wa around year old i work at a supermarket and the work isn t physically demanding but my supervisor are just so negative about everything and everyone and every day when i come home my depression hit me harder and harder and i m back on the brink of being suicidal again i only work there because i have financial stability since i work hour a week i tried 0 hour a week but i couldn t i broke down cry and i have a fixed income and don t want to lose that stability i hope you are willing to take the time to read this and will be grateful for every tiny bit of support and my message are open for any of you mike

so we paid a company 000 to lift our house to fix the crooked floor they installed these pier yesterday and started lifting this morning about an hour later the guy come up and tell u they can t raise it more than an inch because the foundation started to crack turn out that stabilizing the house is guaranteed but lifting is not we re now paying back a 000 loan for work that accomplished nothing i m absolutely crushed and the depression anxiety is raging in me so hard i don t know if i can continue this is just another devastating failure in my miserable life i ve been struggling to keep it together for my wife and kid and this wa going to be a huge positive thing instead i don t know if i can go on even for them they re better off with this hapless fuckwad out of their life i may overdose on something so at least it will be an open casket at my funeral and my wife can just tell my kid daddy wa sick i wa already severely depressed and this is just the final blow

i feel a since covid hit my life turned upside down almost nothing brings joy anymore and nothing is interesting

for me my depression severity ha gotten worse a the year have gone by it seems that each year is collectively worse than the last i get a huge pain when i remember not how thing used to be but how i used to be 0 year ago if i could i would go back in time knowing i can t and that i m doomed to worse depression each year is almost too much to bear the whole it get better thing ha not proven true for my life and particular journey with ptsd i felt even better closer to my trauma time hasn t healed it even with year and year of different therapy the farther i get the worse i feel overall doe any one else have this feeling

i m f been struggling with depression for almost 0 yr i ve noticed that in recent year i ll have a or week long period of feeling so depressed i can hardly function followed by a few day or usually where i feel normal i m talking high energy normal appetite have a hard time sitting still easier to sleep thru the night etc just wondering if this happens to anyone else i don t think it s mania it just feel so drastically different from my usual depressed state

i had a pretty bad bought with my depression over the last year i walked out on two job because i just couldn t deal and i wa jobless on the couch for about month nothing really mattered and everything felt overwhelming and hopeless i started working again and while it s only been two week thing don t feel a hopeless i m trying my best to keep it that way i just wanted everyone to know that it really can get better i love you all and i m sorry if this doesn t help anyone but if it help just one person then i feel like it wa worth the time take care of each other and yourself

day of dental care showering skincare first thing in the morning i m actually proud of myself if i can do this for 0 day it ll become a habit adding a morning walk to this routine

something except talking to people about it i tried it and i regret it especially my parent i m not diagnosed but it s so painfully obvious at least for me i don t even know why i feel this way it s making me unable to do simple shit and everyone around me hate me because of it memory loss is annoying too i swear if this shit is permanent i will fucking lose it

i m just so disgusted by myself i don t want to do this anymore i hate myself so much and i can t stop thinking about blowing my brain out or taking all my medication when i get home from work in one year i ve ruined my life and future i fucking hate myself so much i feel like i m going to burst into flame i don t know how to live with this and after a year i ve realized i can t

i feel so alone all of the time i have a job where i get along great with coworkers however i have no genuine friend no one to hang out with i just spend time alone after awhile anxiety creep in i feel like i m trapped in a box and can t get out i tend to struggle a lot with moving forward in life and part of it is i feel i have no one by my side alone in the world

he always seemed happy we always fucked around and had a good time we always talked about thing that bothered u but he never showed any sign that he wa upset or depressed i still sit around thinking why and can never draw any conclusion that would make sense i m slowly coming out of the mental ditch but i handled it by stuffing a much alcohol in me a possible i m coming out if that ditch but it still bum me out i completely stopped taking care of myself and the house so i decided to clean up today because i just felt happier here is what a month of cope look like http imgur com a ce x there way more trash and beer can but i wa honestly too embarrassed to even show the rest glad to finally slowly be getting better

i have no direction my family is made up of very successful people i feel constant pressure to live up to their expectation but right now i could really give a fuck about school i m trying to sober up but it s so hard to do when i have school to deal with it just suck i just got on here to vent i just wan na lay in bed but then my anxiety is like you re going to fail x i just want this to be over fml

lately being dead sound perfect like i keep fucking up everything i can t keep a good job i can t get a job in my career i m stuck in call center where i m demeaned screamed at etc my current partner and i even though we love each other are rocky and say horrible thing to each other out of pain and anger some of his word really almost pushed me over the edge the last few day we may have a good life ahead of u but right now it doesn t seem like enough right now i can t stop hearing his horrible word hearing my ex horrible word too maybe he wa right maybe i just should

i just finished it a few minute ago i got it from the local pubic library after waiting for it for several week i think it make for something very motivational and might be helpful to lessen depression too i won t give away the ending and don t stop listening until after the library if you re getting board once you get that far you ll continue

so i live in a small country in asia in this country it s like if you love someone you get a bad reputation your mom or dad is shamed at school if their kid is caught dating someone who doe that and our phone are also being checked by the school to see if we disturb a girl or are in a relationship with them the parent here are like you can date after being married xd so yeah i am very annoyed and sad about the fact that i can t love someone cuz of these

i m 0 and i m reverting back to my year old self hahahahahahahhahahahahahhaahahah fuck my life i hate everything i just want to not exist

hi i have been using efexor and rexapin for depression and anxiety for a while before medication i used to eat so i wouldn t die but right now i want to eat everything especially sweet and carbohydrate food how do you control weight while taking medication waiting for your advice

to preface i would like to apologize in advance for any posting informality this is my first reddit post i just graduated university in may of 0 and received a job at a global digital marketing agency agency life a a first job wa too emotionally taxing for my well being and gave me extremely bad performance anxiety i quit this job right before the start of 0 and have been looking for a job since i briefly had a job in february of 0 however a close friend of mine offed himself and i wa fired for taking time off to grieve due to this i started taking prozac and visiting a therapist once a week thing were going fine until i decided to drink on prozac one night and have a psychotic episode this episode caused me to get extremely aggressive towards my roommate for no reason i wa running down a list of accusation some true and some untrue however my girlfriend worried for the safety of my roommate decided to slap me in hope to end the episode terrible idea i know amp we have no history of domestic abuse this lead me into a meltdown where i called the cop trying to get her arrested for assault along with spewing false detail of thing that i wa hallucinating the cop soon realized i wa having an episode and luckily didn t press charge and talked me somewhat down from being aggressive once they left i packed up every item i own and drove hour to my family s house i don t remember anything until i wa almost finished packing my stuff i severely hurt my roommate and girlfriend i don t think about coming back because of how overwhelming the guilt will feel i m not sure what i should do and my brain is focusing on the permanent solution i guess the reason for this post is to ask for any advice or tip i didn t want to drone on regarding other incident so i ll leave a list below of what s happened in the past year cut off abusive parent experienced a few other meltdown due to work school stress lost a ton of friend due to self isolation took too many psychedelics which ha given me bad general anxiety wa arrested and impulsively moved halfway around the u before i wa ready to life for the past year ha gone continuously downhill for me i can t realistically see a way out of this

guy i think i will be soon dead idk how longer i can take it drug and alcohol dont work anymore it all became so pointless ive got left nihilism is actual realism and i cant fuxking take it i just wish i could fuxking get eaten up by some black hole or destroyed by supernova idc at this point anymore i just wish to be gone for good

sometimes i have strong emotion when i think about thing that happened in my life and how fcked up my life is since when i wa a kid till now and it seems that my life is ment to be doomed and sometimes i tell myself that i m tired of feeling emotion and i wish that i m completely numb to it sometimes i succeed to be emotionless to these feeling and sometimes it overwhelms me i m not sure what s wrong with me is it depression is it something else idk anymore

laying in bed bored decided to open some of my old playlist on spotify started to listen to some song that my ex sent me the one we used to listen together all night i haven t listened to these song or any song of the one i used to love since we broke up i don t know what made me dig up this pain also there s a playlist she made specially for me but i don t dare to open it it s like i just opened the pandora s box of sadness and depression

i have a pretty good life my husband is great we have our fight and stuff but overall he s amazing we have a nice apartment husband ha a job we have money for grocery and bill i m graduating college in may i think i ve got a good job lined up for after graduation my parent get on my nerve but they love and support me my sister is becoming a good friend a we have gotten older and not a annoying my in law don t really mess with u much anymore when they do it s nothing crazy but i still feel so sad all of the time i hate it i have no motivation i do stupid thing because i have no self control i just lay around any chance that i get i m not productive i just hate myself i m not a fit and i don t take care of myself anymore i have little desire to i just am wasting away then i get mad at myself because i shouldn t feel this way i have reason to be happy i m just not

im currently taking psych med zoloft buspar and lithium i also take topamax and gabapentin for chronic migraine but my psychiatrist like to consider all of these psych med even though the topamax and gabapentin and prescribed by my neurologist and i felt no difference in my mood when going on these med ive taken zoloft and buspar for over year and lithium for over year now amp x 00b i wa recently diagnosed with idiopathic hypersomnia by a sleep medicine doctor and they recommended me going on modafinil my primary doctor said this medication would probably help me a lot and i wa really looking forward to maybe having some energy again and doing something other than sleeping lol the sleep doctor wanted my psychiatrist to prescribe the modafinil but my psychiatrist almost gave me an ultimatum she pretty much said that if i go on the modafinil she want me to come off of one of the other med amp x 00b i told her if that wa the case then forget about it i really didn t want to risk my mood slipping again especially because it not like my mood is a 0 0 right now or anything it okay but i don t consider myself happy or cured she then compared me being on so many med i also take med for hypothyroidism and high cholesterol to watching someone smoke 0 pack of cigarette a day and how unhealthy it wa being on so many medication i guess im just confused and hurt i have been seeing her for probably year and she put me on the lithium but now she want to take something away i have voiced to her many many time that i do not feel comfortable doing this but she continues to bring it up and now it like she doesn t want to prescribe this other medication because im on other med amp x 00b i get that i am on a lot of medication but they all are for their own purpose anyone have any idea of how to move forward

doe someone feel the same i don t want to be alone with this feeling it s misery

my whole life i ve dealt with the trifecta of depression anxiety and ocd i wa always functional with all disorder clocking in at maybe a 0 depression always felt like more of a chemical thing it wa never situationally based anxiety amp ocd were usually health related hypochondria i guess anyways i never knew episode existed i always just hovered at the same baseline then in 0 i had a severe panic attack after smoking some potent weed it really shook me and it sent me into what i guess would be my first episode it wa my first time experiencing dissociation and it terrified me i wa in a constant state of panic for month at the time i had been on lexapro for year my gp wa ill equipped to deal with this so she recommended a new doc for med big mistake new doc decided i should quit taking lexapro and switch to zoloft which perhaps would have worked if she had done it correctly instead of cross tapering or weaning off lexapro she decided to have me stop taking lexapro cold turkey wait a month until it wa out of my system and then start zoloft going cold turkey off lex wa a nightmare of biblical proportion and sent me further into the most intense depression and anxiety i d ever experienced after a hospital visit they suggested an outpatient program i agreed and there they got me back on the lexapro after a few more long month thing evened out i returned to a manageable baseline although the depression wa a tad higher because i could no longer self medicate with weed the experience ruined weed for me would immediately send me into panic mode but still thing were going well fast forward to january 0 and suddenly out of the blue i wake up one day super depressed no appetite couldn t sleep at night i wa so confused my first episode had a clear and obvious trigger panic attack ill advised cold turkey med change i d never had something like this happen with no trigger that s when i started to dig deeper and found out that episode exist this time i had a doc i trust added remeron which wa awesome at first felt better than i had in year wa sleeping and eating great for about 0 day then splat all that went away back to square one and i even developed tinnitus from the remeron so i nixed the remeron and we decided to switch from lexapro a well but the right way this time i did a seamless cross taper to effexor i m on my th week of it went from 0 my last day on the lexapro wa last friday which wa the day i did the increase to 0 thing have improved slightly def not where i wan na be tho i now know that episode can last anywhere from day to month or longer so i m trying to be patient it s tough tho eventually i may have to decide whether to increase effexor again or augment with something else an aa perhaps not sure what i meant to accomplish with this wall of text but if you read it kudos to you i guess i just wanted to document this strange journey maybe you ve been through something similar or know someone who ha maybe you can offer advice which i d welcome either way i hope whoever is reading this is doing well and i wish you all the best of luck in this thing called life

i m so exhausted and i can t stop sleeping staying awake is a struggle i just feel like shit staying awake just make me want to sleep maybe i ll take a nap again

been depressed lately and it hurt like hell getting out of bad is a chore thought of non existence are a comfort silver lining i ve been completely disillusioned my ego ha been shattered i no longer pretend i m living a good life that i m happy that i m not lonely or that i am in any way special from now on it will be brutal honesty to myself and others which before i couldn t imagine i suck my life suck most people are much better than me in every way it is what it is i ll try to cope and do the best i can in this hard lonely existence i don t seem to be equipped to handle no more lie fight on brother and sister

i wa having fun earlier playing video game nothing on my mind but a soon a i stop i snap back to reality and think about her and what we used to be it s been like week of our breakup and day of no contact she say that there might not be another chance for u even in friendship i love her and idk what to do with the pain and guilt i have depression and anxiety on top of that and my therapist said that im feeling this way due to trauma of rejection i didnt have a good past a i wa taken away from my abusive parent at year old being with her made me feel normal like i didnt have these feeling but now that shes out of my life theyve come back but worse i dont know how to keep living the only thing keeping me alive are my current foster family and friend i feel so sad all the time

hi everyone my life s pretty difficult now i hate it i feel like i can t do nothing about it i ve been unemployed for about month i quit my job because it wa a hell hole literally a hell hole they treated me like shit it wa toxic i got physically and mentally sick but i kept pushing until the point were i physically couldn t get up in the morning so i quit i ve been battling health issue and depression ever since i quit my family and friend are shaming me and trying to force me to look for a job i m just not sure if i m ready i m too scared i think i wa traumatized from my past job i m just too scared to find a job and get hurt again like i said i ve still in physical pain and it s really hard to look for a job while you re hurting i ve been seeing a psychiatrist for the past month i ve gotten better but i m still too scared to look for a job any advice

my year relationship ended about a month ago for me it feel like it just happened yesterday every time i wake up i remember this person is no longer in my life i check my phone constantly throughout the day knowing there won t be message from them anymore i haven t accepted that it is over they were my first for everything it s hard right now because i m not working and sometimes i get a week break from school i ve had free time before but i haven t had free time without speaking to them constantly in year so i feel super lonely and i don t know what to do most of the day i spend in bed i wa diagnosed with depression about a week ago i have probably eaten le than 00 calorie a day for the past week which is just making the depression worse because there s no fuel in the tank sometimes le than that because i have no desire to eat i just feel nauseous i wa doing better somewhat until i decided to reach out to this person to confirm whether or not we could contact each other again and thinking we could possibly be friend in the future i got a message from this person about a week ago stating that it wa completely over a far a ever communicating with each other again and also my dog died so i lost the two thing i cared about the most all in the span of a month and long story short i harassed that person because i wanted them to talk to me i wanted to say goodbye properly and i wanted them to say goodbye properly because it didn t end well and i wanted to fix it i have always tried to fix thing and be perfect and never make mistake i just wanted to fix it i definitely made it way worse by spamming them i didn t mean to i have always tried to be a good person and do the right thing and treat people the right way and now i don t know who i am anymore i feel really really bad about it i would never actually do anything to hurt this person this person knew me more than anyone in my life ever ha i really didn t understand that what i wa doing wa harassment i thought if i messaged them enough they would understand me and talk to me but that wa not the case i tried to message them on multiple different platform and begged for them to speak to me most of the time i sent the message i wa in the middle of one of my panic attack or cry on the floor and sometimes i would try to reach out super late at night when the depression get the worse i would like to add that i ve never experienced heartbreak before and i ve never had anything this bad happen to me my mom s car accident affected me year ago but this wa a different kind of pain i even sent them money through a money transfer app just so i could send a message because i wa blocked on everything else i know that i m not okay but i don t know what to do or how to fix it it s worth noting that this person life very very far away so when the relationship ended i knew i d never see or hear from them again and i couldn t handle not having this person in my life we had talked messaged each other every single day for year and we had traveled to different place together over the last year my life ha always involved this person i don t know who i am without them the only time i m not in pain is when i m sleeping and even then i have dream about them but we are still together in those dream so when i wake up the realization is brutal i thought they were my soulmate and that we would be together forever and grow old together one day i think it s hard because i remember u promising to always be with each other and have each other to love each other forever i think i could maybe deal with the relationship ending but i can t let go of the promise we made and when i remember this person isn t in my life anymore it make me physically sick sometimes i get actual chest pain i m 0 and i don t think i m capable of loving someone else ever again i knew this person wa special from the moment i meant them i hesitated to ask them out because i knew there wa a possibility that relationship could end and i never wanted to have this person out of my life i wanted them to always be my friend and didn t want a relationship to possibly ruin that it did in the end anyways i lost my best friend not talking to them every day feel like a part of me is gone missing it doesn t feel right that we re not together anymore it feel like they died it feel like the universe isn t going right like it s not in alignment and this wasn t suppose to happen i don t think that we aren t suppose to be together it feel wrong they were suppose to come visit soon but now it s never going to happen i had already practiced how i wa going to show them how the shower work because everyone s work differently bought spare soap moved thing out of my room so it would be quieter at night for them planned the place we were going to go and thing we were going to do imagined u going to get food and sit in the car and talk how i wa going to show them new thing and comfort them during the long car drive the movie we were going to watch etc it s not happening anymore now i can t do any of those thing without breaking down how do i let this go and i definitely can never get on another plane again because i ve only ever been on plane to see them i wa at my happiest when i knew i wa on my way to them even though it usually took 9 hour total to get there i have deleted almost all our picture together but all the gift from them and their family are in my bottom dresser because i can t bring myself to get rid of them some of them were very special meaningful gift i wa there for christmas and i don t know what to do with them i don t feel like i m capable of throwing them away i am unable to open the dresser and look at them i feel like i m a bad person because this is not something i thought i would ever do i still love this person more than anything but i am going to go to therapy today so that i can work on moving on i can not do it myself i will never message them again but it s too late to take back everything i did and said i even said i hate them i wa so angry but i m incapable of hating this person even in my anger i could never hate this person i said it because i wa so hurt i wa told that i am going through grief i couldn t apologize because i m blocked on everything understandable so it s probably best that they leave me blocked for now because i m afraid that i will get angry sad again and say thing i don t mean or beg them to talk to me i also sent a letter to them where i said some thing when i wa angry but they won t receive that for week do you think they will ever forgive me one day for the harassment my intention weren t to scare them i needed to talk to them to stop the overwhelming sadness i thought that they still cared about me i think i wa begging them to still care i thought if i told them everything going wrong they would comfort me because our relationship had been so strong do you think that they will know that i m sorry am i a bad person for doing what i did

maybe is a defense mechanism idk but a few week ago i really tried all the fake it until you make it schtick for a few day it wa fine and people at work were impressed however soon i started to make mistake and i went overboard because now everyone is pointing out my flaw i wa a cry mess and i felt super weak and exposed today i reversed back to my usual you are worthless you really thought you could achieve something mental mantra and somehow i feel better it is like it feel better if i am the one saying it and not the others i feel so effed up for being relieved a i am now i really thought i wa getting better and believing in myself for a change but i guess i am not just built that way

no reason in life