Datasets:

hugginglearners

/

reddit-depression-cleaned

like 1

it wa in hope someone would come over she ghosted 0 minute after telling me she wa on her way to hang out it s been maybe hour i wa going to shrug it off but it only added to my low mood the last couple day i don t even know why i keep my hope up anymore

i don t remember the last time i wa really able to open up to someone every time i do it seems like i just make them uncomfortable or i get ignored so i ve just stopped i can t even open up to my therapist like i want to and it seems like she want nothing to do with me anymore i ve ghosted almost all of my friend at this point which i don t regret they constantly left me out of thing stood me up and were in general kind of shit friend i want to connect to other people but there s something wrong with me and i can t figure out what

hi together i m working up a lot with myself lately a it s difficult to get help in my country in europe right now long waiting time and little chance to get good therapy i wa diagnosed with a mild depressive episode a few year ago however i have not been well for several year therefore i think that this is not the whole truth stress feeling i have noticed that a lot of my behavior can be traced back to feeling stressed this feeling of stress is in my opinion triggered by a high internal pressure this arises for example from the fear of being abandoned or not doing something right for someone which could also lead to interpersonal punishment unfortunately i learned in my childhood that if i criticize my mother or say something wrong i am quickly punished psychologically she would get loud not talk to me for a while the stress also come from the outside of course time pressure self made time pressure fear of failure i am doing my phd and have been moving up quite fast in management consultancy the last two year have been a sprint and it ha left it mark behavior back to that stress feeling it take on different dimension i unconsciously hurt myself by delicately biting my arm or scratching my nail bed often i just see the mark afters and think oh i did it again i can reproduce it e g by playing a difficult game e g dark soul a soon a i die against a bos fight i unconsciously bite my arm in the loading time i get an extreme craving for sex masturbation multiple time a day and would describe it a compulsive sexual behavior the orgasm is then no fun and i feel exhausted and bad afterwards still i do it i behave in a clingy way and thus ruin relationship because i ask several time in a short time if everything is okay or write message to get confirmation e g that i miss my partner i am completely exhausted after a few day but can not sleep

i started taking depression med a few month ago and it make my suicidal thought go away it wa somewhat amazing i had such thought every day and now i barely think about it at all even when the stray suicidal thought pop up it feel different le scary my problem is that such thought would help me through the day ironiclly if i wa getting stressed i wohld think about the end of all my problem i even began to mutter i m gon na kill myself unddr my breathe and mask during work this wa insanely unhealthy and where i am now is much better comparatively but the thing that worsened these thought is still there i hate my job i have no friend i don t know how to open up to people and i m terrified about having to choose what my life will be i want to go to college study sociology maybe creative writing a well but when i go to take any sort of action i m terrified it s illogical i hate it i work at an amazon facility i stow package i pick up box and i push cart i ve working there part time for year it wa to me at least pathetic so i moved to a longer shift a small bit of action i hate working there but i m terrified of trying anything else my new shift is 0 and a half hour long with a 0 minute unpaid break and two minute paid break yesterday wa my first day after hour i went to cry in the bathroom i drove to work 0 minute ago and soon began cry it wa ugly cry i wa shivering and whimpering on my drive to work i didn t use to do this when i wa depressed i wa much more apathetic i had my coping mechanism but now i don t i m not saying that being depressed wa better i hated my suicidal thought they would ruin my day but i m now noticing that they did help me get through some rough moment it s just not something i expected i know that i should speak to a psychiatrist maybe a therapist a well i know that quitting my job would be better for my mental health i am lucky in that i have the ability to do so and still have somewhere to sleep and eat i know that i think about my future if not college with a sociogy degree then an electrition there are other option for me i m just scared and anxious the reason i wrote this here wa to make it all feel real ir s easy for me to move on from these moment but i should realise that the fear and anxiety from change can t be worse than the anxiety and especially the self hatred that i feel now sitting in my work parking lot writing this out and i took the day off i m scared to confront my mom when i get home but it s for the best and it s what i should do fuck amazon

im gon na copy and paste the title just to continue the story from that point on so here go nothing this ha been the worst month of my life but ill start with a light hearted day earlier this month a meth head tried to take my phone the bitch at the ssi building tried to 0 me then i got bit by a dog all in the same day what i dont understand is that im more upset about this pale blonde brazilian girl i met and lost in a span of day might be bipolar a well what i dont understand is how can i handle a fucked up day like that like it nothing and go through thing that could end in death seem to recover in minute but small thing like family argument or this situation with this girl seem to make me feel upset for so long i dont understand that at all i hope thing get better but ever since i droped acid about week ago this ha been on one end the worst month of my life but some part the best just the good part never last now my life is like a real life nightmare i might be schizo now a well also my depresion is worse then ever now before all this i lived in the car for year with bed bug now i have a voucher so im fine now and live in a place and am safe now but i just feel so stupid whenever i complain about anything now because i feel like it me not appreciating what i have i just dont get why this horible feeling wont go away i dont know what to do im here on reddit talking to random people dealing with the same thing because i just dont know what else to do it wa helping at first but i just feel so lost for no reason i feel like thing are good now but inside i feel the worst ive ever felt i dont wan na feel sad anymore i just want this horible feeling to go away

i m great at acting like i m happy sometimes i actually think i am people think i m very personable when i m in group setting but a i get older i m finding it harder and harder to keep it up i know fake it til you make it work for some but ha anyone here faked it until they re actually happy most of the time

i m failing out of college right now because i can t fucking focus every time i try to do my work i feel so restless and irritable i get hit with this stupid melancholy feeling for no good reason and it make me feel like doing nothing but lay in bed until i die of starvation but dying is too painful for a number of reason so i really have no easy way out hell i don t even have an out that seems reasonably doable i feel so trapped i want to talk to my loved one and tell them i m dying over here metaphorically but it feel impossible to tell them without something awful happening help

every time i think about suicide or search painless suicide i begin to cry i don t know exactly the reason is it depression kicking in or just fear of death

i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right

ive been struggling with my mental health for a really long time even throughout secondary school the only thing is ive always pushed it down and gotten away with achieving my academic expectation despite how im struggling ive never told anyone about my problem not even my mum i guess i never wanted to worry her and also took alot of pride in being able to handle myself and not needing help from anyone i guess the combination of leaving it untreated and uni stress ha made it get worse and worse to the point it spiralled out of control i dont know the last time i actually ate a meal rather than just snack food all day the light is broken in my bathroom and i cant call maintenance to fix it because of the state of my dorm i have a nocturnal sleeping schedule and i rarely shower or leave my room i cant apply for special circumstance and try to finish the year because i cant even get out of bed let alone catch up on load of work and missed assignment i really just need to go home and eliminate the stress in order to seek medical treatment and get better but i dont know how to break it to my mum because she think im perfectly fine like how doe it go from being completely okay to me being in a full blown crisis just like that for her it not that i dont think she ll understand but i feel like im a completely different person than who she see no idea of anyone will see this but id really appreciate some advice support because ive never spoken to anyone about my mental health and idk what to do

i just want to stop being so sad i feel like i m failing at life i m sitting at my desk and i just can t stop fucking cry over literally nothing i just don t see any hope for my future somehow i always come back to this feeling i used to fantasize about getting hurt enough to be in a hospital for like week just to get a break but not actually kill myself because i feel like i couldn t do that to the people around me i really have no one in my life to talk to right now i tried the crisis text line and my god they are unhelpful you are so brave for reaching out how do you think you were able to reach out tonight um maybe because i have this option or the option to off myself and one seems a little more rational than the other how do you guy cope when you just can t do it anymore

depression make no sense sometimes i have a great life family member who love me friend who care about me everything going for me in term of college relationship life etc and despite all of these thing i still find myself thinking about ending my life suicidal ideation is something that i have dealt with since i wa a young teenager but lately it ha become a half dozen to a dozen thought of taking my own life every day what i really don t understand is the fact that almost everyone else around me doesn t feel the same way i do doesn t see the world in the same way i do sometimes when i wake up i ll just have my mind scream at me that no one and nothing matter that despite what we do all of u will end up dying one day etc sometimes i just really don t see the point of life all of u are on a journey with the only thing promised to u are sorrow or death we are taught that we have to make our own happiness and value out of life but if that s true than there is definitely something wrong with me that can t be fixed because some of u just aren t made for your fairy dust fucking world and anyone who isn t thank you cause there are too many stupid as happy people in this fuckface of a wordl we live in

i am tired i don t feel anything good i just don t want to exist anymore

doe anyone else on this subreddit have a sense of karma that let them make decision but the opposite way round the only way to explain it is for example the opportunity arises to do something fun or something i ll enjoy i don t want to do it because i feel that i will be due a similar if not higher amount of bad karma back in return a i shouldn t be allowed to enjoy myself is this something others experience or am i alone in this

doe any else feel that they can t really think anymore particularly in academic area and for anyone who ha been through this before do you ever develop the ability again

i m year old i started university like week ago at that time i wasn t feeling miserable or anything i wa a close to being happy that i have been in a long time but when the class started and i met the stuff that involves university made me feel depressed again i don t have any motivation i m studying something i already know i don t like and if i wanted to start another career i d have to end this year because of my university a regulation i don t really feel motivated i don t feel good and i cry almost everyday it s being super rough to me maybe i m exaggerating or maybe i m not but sometimes i don t wan na be here anymore if u know what i mean i don t know what to do to feel better i have my s o my friend my family but nothing help also i haven t had many good experience at therapy and the medicine make me feel even more depressed that i am

tw depression mention to ed light mention of disassociation i think that s everything first time i ve written anything and don t expect people to see it but idk the idea of having my anger written down in a le private area is comforting idk like diary piss me off sometimes bc i m writing shit down but then what it s just for me it feel the same a it being just in my head sometimes sometimes i think it s great and v therapeutic and everyone prefers different thing it s absolutely a valid technique so no hate but anyway i hate the fact that i can t cry anymore i m numb all the fucking time idk what i want ever i feel so bad about myself when i see my face for more than like minute which is an issue bc i facetime my long distance girlfriend a lot and can t get away from it i feel so bad about myself when i feel hungry still working through a lot of issue with food so i m constantly feeling on the edge of a relapse i m so numb to everything i couldn t tell my girlfriend that i loved her for like week and i felt so guilty about it but it felt like a lie to say and i couldn t bring myself to do it bc i just don t feel anything she s been really understanding but ik it upset her so i ve started saying it again but i still find it hard bc i feel no connection to the word i know that i love her like she s the best thing that s ever happened to me but the word just feel empty i feel so distant from myself and emotion and even with all this guilt and resentment and sadness towards myself i can t even breakdown over it it s actually breaking me i feel like i can t do it anymore i just wan na feel again

the only reason i haven t committed suicide yet is coz i am too much of a coward to kill myself my life just plain suck and i might possibly lose my second job just month after losing my first so yaay me

i don t know how anything work anymore my brain feel like it ha dementia forgetful literal lack of intelligence and critical thinking skill i don t know how school work don t know basic math never had relationship and feel incredibly out of place and inferior to the rest of the general population that s my age half of the people living in my building are my age now i m so fucking suicidal everyday i m just waiting to die

wake up force yourself to eat breakfast go to school that s filled to the brim with people who don t like me and think i m weird overthink everything suffer through class get home sleep or do homework then go to sleep again repeat for the next few fucking year is there really any point if class were at least enjoyable i d manage to get through it and honestly most of them aren t horrible just one rd language class that i can t fucking get out of or get better at because how the fuck am i gon na find the strength to learn a whole new language i always get yelled at always stressed at that class because i know i won t answer correctly and i will get yelled at then go home and cut yourself because of it fun right

it s been a while since i ve had depression episode and i think it ha come back but worse i m the first daughter of immigrant parent therefore i have to be perfect and be an example for my little sister i m falling a class in college and can t seem to get my grade up i can t focus i can t concentrate i stay up until am doing homework and studying but even though i try my best i feel like i m not progressing i don t want my parent to think i m a failure i want to make them proud but i can t find the inspiration to keep going i feel like sh t anxiety haunt me everyday and i just want this to stop i want to talk about how i feel with my mom but i don t want her to have a bad image of me in her head she know i have depression and anxiety since i wa diagnosed but i told her month ago that i wa okay i m not now i know that if i tell her that i feel depressed again she s just going to tell me to keep going my mom is not a bad mom i love her she ha done everything for me but she doesn t show u affection it might been the way she wa raised but i need to her her say that she s here for me or that she love me i can t remember when wa the last time she hugged me or said i love you i don t feel appreciated in this house when i try to be friendly or make a conversation with her it always end up with her being mad i ve gone several time to her room just to hang out with her but it seems that bother her when i try and hug her she tell me to stop i know she ll be very disappointed in me if she discovers i m not doing well in my class she ha criticized me because of what show i watch if i m enjoying a video game too much she ll tell me that s all you know how to do why don t you do something else instead of playing your little game she hate the music i enjoy listening all i want is to have a mom daughter moment but it doesn t happen i ve talked to her about this several time she cried once saying it wa hard for her too and i understand hard i know it s hard having a touched starved mentally unstable daughter that s why i don t want to bother her with my problem when i happen to have a problem with a member of my family aunt uncle or cousin she ll always be on their side it s like she want to please them i don t feel heard im 9 and on my th and 9th birthday i cried i wanted to spend my 9th birthday doing something i wanted and my parent said yes that wa until my step dad changed his mind and choose to visit his sister on my birthday hour away hour city i wa mad i feel like i had the right to my mom told me that i didn t have to come with them that i could stay in the house until they arrived sunday night my birthday wa on sunday i choose to go because i didn t want to spend the day without my family i didn t got to do anything i wanted i wa pretty bummed my mom and stepdad noticed this and yelled at me saying i didn t had to be here that i could ve stayed in the house my mom did bought me a cake and ate it when i arrived home and i wa grateful for that my aunt and uncle noticed how my mom and stepdad acted on the day of my birthday and felt bad for me they told me i should ve stayed with them and they would ve took me to the mall funny how my mom go all the way out for his birthday or my sister birthday i feel like i m a failure to them i m not the perfect daughter they wish they had it s like they just gave up on me at least is how i see it every time i talk to my mom she look at me with an annoyed face when i told her that i m kind of struggling with college she shrugged and told me that it s my fully because i choose this career it s true but i wa looking for some encouraging or caring word i feel what i need is a break im sorry for over sharing but i can t tell this to my friend or sister i don t want to bother or worry them

i m really desperate i m a yr old guy with no job even if i graduated from college no girlfriend never kissed or hugged a girl in my life no real friend most of them are toxic amp manipulative nothing special about me i don t know if i m pretty or ugly smart or dumber i m so confused about my self image it s like i live in hell get rejected by ton of girl ton of job offer i feel like i will live my whole life virgin single jobless loser i m too nice too shy always extremely anxious and stressful dealing with brain fog bad accent shitty voice low self esteem zero talent nothing good about me just kinda good at math amp coding i can t hold a good conversation with anyone only with my mom amp my brother i feel kinda confident speaking and it s been a while i m depressed living with a dark mood i feel like i m a loser amp i can do nothing i can t even go to gym practice favorite hobby or enjoying any movie youtube video video game etc i don t know what to do with my life i only think about option therapy ending my life sorry for my english it s not my native langage

i kinda miss when i wa completely apathetic at least then i wasn t anxiety ridden and constantly worrying about how much of a failure i am and how downhill my life is going i miss when i didn t care when i could watch my world collapse in front of me and be able to sleep at night when i didn t need to always doing something that release dopamine to keep my mind off of my severe procrastination should i even call it procrastination when the last minute already past i kinda miss when i wa apathetic when i simply didn t care

need some feedback if it s just me amp im insecure or if some of these girl are getting out of hand i m a year old girl whose instagram feed look like wan na be influencers i can t deal with how many picture they re putting out there on top of how edited they are it drive me insane because it make me feel so unattractive but then i remember these girl are smoothing their skin lightening their eye whitening their teeth modifying their body etc should i delete instagram cause i honestly don t know what else to do at this point it s deteriorating me

i ve been feeling really depressed lately and find myself with no one to talk i have these cry spell whenever i m alone and convinced that i m worthless and not worth anyone s time it s getting harder to pick myself up from the floor bed and be productive or practice self care my friend live far away and emotionally at arm length my family understands that i m depressed but not how much it debilitates me with no one to talk to i feel trapped i m hoping finding online support can help me understand how to go on so i m kinda new to this how doe this thread help you

well i caved i cut myself for the first time today it didn t really hurt but it didn t help either i still feel like shit i can t take it anymore i switched school this year and have yet to make a single friend every day i m on the outside of the group i know that i did something to warrant this problem but no one will tell me what i did am doing i just gave up trying to nudge my way into conversation and just sit there and listen so i don t look like a lonely loser although i guess i look like one anyway anyone have any advice i need social interaction to get out of my depression also looking for new friend won t work a everyone in the grade act like i don t exist so don t suggest that

so i recently moved to a state 000 mile away from my home with my parent even though there wa no point in it i m and this isn t just the right place for me and there s nothing i can do about it all my family member who lived here convinced my parent to move over here cause apparently it s better when i m here my anxiety ha gone up by a lot and so ha my depression i can t even sit still in peace after getting into a fight like my mind constantly telling me we need to go back home i never got along with others in public and got into fight at school already did drug and a lot of stuff like that my parent think this is the best environment and i m still acting like this and they never listen to me i m having a talk with my therapist in a few day do you think they could convince my parent that this isn t a good place for me and recommend u to move out of the state for better mental health for me mentally and emotionally because i just do not belong here i wa so much better a a person in my hometown now i can t even tell if this is me i even have done drug here for the first time and yet my parent family think i m the problem not the environment what can i do i can not wait much longer

my friend ha suffered with depression for what seems most of their life and recently it s become apparent that it s become worse due to them distancing themselves being more irritable and stressed and even mentioning suicide they have also withdrawn from doing thing with me a much when we used to do thing very often i try to support them already of course but since i don t necessarily deal with severe depression like them i struggle to know how to handle thing sometimes what are some tip on how i can be there for them and support them many thanks if anyone answer a i really want to support my friend

the note is done written edited signed done the noose is cinched and hung all that s left is for me to decorate the door i stood staring at it for what felt like an eternity today every second had felt like eternity i had writhed in agony watching each minute tick by a if a lifetime had passed i had tried everything i knew and i d been told dunked my face in cold water but my forehead had felt red hot meditated and focused on my breathing but i d retreat back into my head between each breath and be left gasping for air took a scalding bath for a moment i wa in my skin again but then the water and i felt a one i tried to nap a reset wa always in store but i woke up still at death s door i hadn t done it yet though i d never been closer but i still hadn t done it before i hit send before i decorated the door i told myself i d go for one last run to get out of my head i ve been treading water the last week just barely keeping my head up i tried mushroom a few day ago and for the first time in what felt like month could accept myself in fact i discovered i wa stuck in time two month earlier when i d been dumped my heart hadn t moved on but the universe relentlessly had and for hour the mushroom gave me clarity that i needed to move on and even had there wa a moment when time seemed to stop and suddenly i wa vaulted forward to the present over and around the intervening month i wa present again but just a sudden a the revelation had fallen upon me it wa stripped away and the black dog weighed down my chest once more shakily i put on my running clothes i considered my route an old standard roughly mile it d buy me a calculated more minute to think about this decision i cinched my lace i hate these shoe i struck out the door when my foot hit the pavement i realized this wasn t a regular jog i wasn t running to run i wa running to kill myself or not i d find out along the way suddenly the route and distance didn t matter i knew i d be going further than i d thought i started out at a normal pace and began upping my tempo i knew i wa out of shape i knew a single minute mile would be my limit a it had been on several of the past day but today wasn t those day i couldn t feel the exhaustion the pain of my body moment earlier all i could feel wa my body exhausted i wa trapped in my head i could push my body well past it s limit today because i wasn t leaving my heart or my head until my body hurt more around the first mile i started muttering to myself you ve never outrun yourself before but today is the day you beat yourself and i kept running i came upon a long flat stretch a narrow catwalk along the water s edge and i broke into a sprint i wa going to break myself now i pushed until i could feel the burn in my leg my throat and my lung i hadn t pushed myself like this in day week month or maybe even year i d forgotten what it felt like i started feeling light headed this wa to be alive but it couldn t last i ground to a halt and walked finally outside my head again but still thinking finally not drowning in my thought i d realized earlier what it is in those last moment it is quite literally drowning in your thought my brain take over dwelling on my past failure rejection loss and it s a if every iota of my brain power is diverted to these fruitless foray in my hippocampus every drip of processing is diverted suddenly my breathing reflex kick in i haven t been breathing i ve been drowning in my thought and with it a sense of fear and dread adrenaline course through my aorta spreading across my chest and dilating my bronchus fight or flight from my own past pushing myself achieves this same end but what am i running for what am i running toward i don t know and i feel so lost and unbound adrift and asea i thought again if this is your last run you re going out strong and started sprinting again i ran and i ran and i ran i ran through throng of people amidst cherry blossom who didn t know i wa probably running to my death but suddenly i didn t want to die anymore at least not yet not now and i started a new mantra this run saved my life and i realized i could say that every time i ran or biked or hiked or sat with friend or worked on a project or spoke to my mom but to do so i d have to get through those long dark minute of pure and intense pain i d have to learn to hurt myself again running hiking biking but i kept running a fast and a hard a i could i circled back around on my path it wa a lollipop route and i wa completing the candy and i pushed myself until i wa back on the inner leg of it the stem i pushed myself so hard i started vomiting in a homeless camp of all place i d had nothing to eat today and little yesterday i wa subsisting on coffee the bile came up black sour bitter much a the coffee had been going down it seemed a funny parallel and i decided then that i wanted to write about this i wanted to share my story because today i didn t kill myself i might have some part of me wanted to but i ran away and i ll keep running it s tough but i think i found something to run for again i d mostly stopped running age ago but i think this wa the motivation i needed to start again the rest of my life is in shamble and i don t know what i m doing but i can keep running i ll start running with a group i think and each time i ll let them know at the end this run saved my life i ll let them decide what that mean to me and them

im and mo postpartum i don t know if i have ppocd but the intrusive thought are becoming unbearable my baby is healthy and for the most part happy a lot of the time i feel like a shitty mom because i work full time while my boyfriend is at home with the baby and when i get home im too exhausted to clean house or play with my baby i carry so much guilt about other people watching my son on my day off so i can get thing done because i m his mom and i should be able to take care of him and everything else myself tonight he wa losing his sh t bc he wa overtired his screaming made me feel like i wanted to hurt him or myself i would never hurt him but the thought get so loud i can t seem to escape them i wa in a psych hospital last month but it didn t help at all these thought are a constant sometimes i feel like having a baby wa the wrong choice and i ruined my life and the only way to fix my issue is to end it i just feel so alone

i m going to be in le then a week i d do anything to just go back a year or two restart highschool and actually pay attention fucking pas at least there s no fucking way i pas this year there s no fucking way i graduate by senior year i have 0 fucking friend to celebrate with but i would i even celebrate why would i celebrate being with absolutely jack shit going for me congrats your fucking failing highschool no friend just got broken up with no career i mean there is absolute jack fucking shit going for me i waited so long for this day because i wanted to join the military and you can at but i ve already ruined my gpa i m just done with even trying anymore everything i do nothing going to change the fact imma failure advice fucking pay attention in highschool and don t try to fit in with people who were never there for you

my dad died almost one month ago and i feel like no one understand what im going through and expects me to act normal i try everyday to do thing to distract myself but everyday i feel worse sometimes i think im not even cry for my loss i really can t stop when i wake up i cry and then in the night i cried myself to sleep i don t want to be with anyone and at the same time i want to be perceived i don t get what is happening i ve never ever been so sad in my whole life i don t want to live everything i do or try to do for someone seems to be wrong or badly done i have always had good self esteem but now anyone can call me ugly a a joke and i would get mad and think for it for the rest of the day i just want it to stop shit hurt like a mf

there s nothing left for me in life and i ve kept this calm cool facade that i m fine for so long it s impressive i m failing school i have zero love life and i have no idea what to do for a living and i don t think there is anything i want to do i have no passion keeping me alive i ve literally just been having sex and dling drug literally anything to give me some small momentary bit of joy at this point it barely doe that i m a failure and god taken away every piece of happiness i could possibly have i ve disappointed the people who love me most and i can t keep being a drain on their life if i kill myself it ll hurt them but no one will truly miss me after a couple year it would be so much better for my parent if i died i m such a fucking failure it hurt i never wanted this life i had potential at one point but i never realized how quickly god can turn it all around

i ve been dealing with serious depression for the last 0 year one huge thing is the mental fatigue i m always feeling in my head making it hard to get up and do thing what have you done to help relieve that so thing are much easier to do and enjoy i m planning on switching job but the mental exhaustion is making so hard to go for it so any advice would be amazing

i am a freshman in high school young i get it but still have felt like shit for year this night wa terrible worse then the others and i don t even know why i decided that i wa gon na end it all i went to the cabinet and grabbed 0 pill and swallowed them all knowing what the outcome should have been i went to bed right away in hope that i wouldn t have to feel the pain but then something weird happened i heard my alarm clock go off in the morning meaning i wa still alive how i don t know but i should have been dead i can t focus on anything now and just think about the fact that i m still alive and thinking of way on how i am but still nothing i don t know what to do and am literally losing my shit

just being so nervous around every person and my move and action i just have no idea it came back so strong i m so sad it s everyday is a battle if i have to leave the house idk how i ever got this maybe i always have

gon na graduate highschool in a couple month i have no future plan no job can t go to college because of financial problem everyday waking up i feel like a total piece of garbage that never taken out my friend ha their own future some of them already have job i don t have any skill i m an idiot i don t know nothing i only have a mom left my big bro paying the bill rn after i graduate highschool if i don t have a job when i reach 0 y o or something happened to my life i m gon na do it or should i i don t know anymore i m scared of my future i hope it ll be okay i hope

i have my mom and grandma but it still feel lonely and i can t talk about my problem with them and my anxiety is kicking me in sometimes i feel like i m overreacting to it i just want to cry and tell people how lonely i m but still i don t want to share my feeling i want to stay strong a much a possible i don t know what i m doing and today is my birthday and no one wish me i m lonely i need someone to know what i feel it s just too lonely

i don t know if it s that i ve been on antidepressant for year or that i repress my emotion and don t allow myself to process thing but i didn t even notice i went on my phone and started reading random bullshit

this is something i see so often and people claim their reason for being an asshole is depression no being a nasty person and depression are two completely different thing i recently got downvoted on this sub for telling someone it wrong to insult others for trying to help them unfortunately i have seen this in real life a well i wa diagnosed with depression nearly 0 year ago so i ve been apart of depression support group and i ve heard member of the group call other member ugly stupid and when confronted they quickly jumped back to sorry it s my depression hehe real depression is fucking painful and lead to people killing themselves it s not some sort of get out of jail free card and people that use it a such should stop downplaying depression

maybe if i made regular healthy meal for myself instead of skipping them and eating junk food i d feel better maybe if i kept to a consistent sleep schedule instead of staying up late at night and letting myself pas out on the couch at random time throughout the day i d feel better maybe if i respected the way i looked instead of neglecting my hygiene and wearing dirty clothes because i don t feel like changing i d feel better maybe if i cleaned and decorated my apartment instead of surrounding myself with trash and shit i don t care about i d feel better maybe if i left the house once in a while and allowed myself to show the slightest bit of interest in anything i d feel better maybe if i let the right people in instead of always pushing them away minimize the toxic people in my life instead of always letting them get to me open up and trust instead of always expecting the worst and keeping my distance if i would actually be there for the people i care about instead of just saying i am then blowing them off maybe if i could open myself up to the possibility of positivity instead of always dwelling on the negative then i d feel better probably but damn it if that shit doesn t come naturally to me then i m just not interested work hard to make a change ha i m already working a hard a i can just to keep from loosing it on a day to day basis i am not willing to put in any more energy into my life than i already am thank you very much a life of incremental progress towards what wa supposed to be the starting line is no life at all a world where a brain can get like this whether a product of rationality or not is not a world in which i wish to live i don t care if there s hope for a better future unless it come with a better past and present too

well like the title say it since covid ha come around and i got it time died almost time at this moment i just hoped it killed me i having longcovid and no energy need to use a lot of medicine to get normal breath since then my day are waking up working and after hour i have no energy got ta work for 0 hour a day because it s to busy after i get home nobody is there to support me nobody is ever texting me i hate it to see everyone having a gf around me i m alone not talking to someone and when i talk to people people will backstab me after sometime after i did something for them i hate my life and just want to be happy again hoped to find a girl to talk with have friend that like playing game and chatting but i m always alone while gaming or something and when people say yeah i get online they never will get online i m here to write it off myself 9 0 time it help especialy since i not have someone to talk about it sometimes i hope to meet some dutch people that feel the same or know how it is amp x 00b thanks for those who even read this sh t d amp x 00b kind regard amp x 00b ajax winner

i wa in my car actually but it wa a bad time to start cry i know it sound pathetic but i felt my emotion build up and started remembering thing i shouldn t remember then my tear started flowing the worst part wa making sure my eye didn t look red before going out in public this happens to me a lot and i can hardly control it i ve always thought cry make you weak but a it turn out i cry a lot for someone who look down on it i feel like a pathetic po and even more so for being a grown as 0 year old woman

i m so tired everything is rough right now i m getting sick of it and i want out it seems thing go wrong at every turn lately for example my family went on a big march break trip one week on a resort wa gon na be awesome to top it off i wa turning sixteen that week and guess what happens i get norovirus for day and then the flu for the rest of it i missed half of the trip how fucking incredible back home now and thing are more stressful than when i left the ceiling of my parent restaurant caved in from prolonged water damage which our landlord wouldn t fix and we ve been closed for a month now with repair only starting recently i have been unable to work this whole time which is lovely considering i am paying of an expensive computer feel selfish to complain considering the scale of issue that my parent are facing but still fucking suck i can barely get myself out of bed in the morning now and i ve missed lot of school a a result of course my grade have fallen i ve got missing assignment littered about and it suck cause not long ago i wa a 90 and up student i just want to be dead i m not brave enough to do anything though so i guess i ll sit and suffer i wa hoping i d have turned all this around by it s been year that this ha been going on now and i am so disappointed in myself for it i know i could do better than this i know i have the capability if i could just have enough energy and will to get the fuck out of bed every morning all would be perfect if i could look at myself in the mirror without wanting to claw my face off all would be perfect but none of this is gon na happen because i don t have the drive to bother with any of it nobody know either i don t think anybody ha the slightest clue and if they have an idea they don t know the depth of it i m not gon na tell them i ll probably have died already by the time i have the courage to say anything oh well i certainly won t tell my parent i don t even know how we are still afloat financially with everything that s happening but we are barely and i m not gon na add stress to them

one of my biggest fear is trying everything possible to turn my life around from grade to career career to myself then still come out being the same or still having the same hallow feeling i wan na take this next year to change my life around for the best i wan na look back and be happy with my life and what i ve accomplished i ve learned throughout the year that i really do want to be alive i just don t want to be me i wish i could change myself and who i am and where i came from but i can t so i would like to better myself do something to make myself proud i just don t want to waste even more time trying to fix myself then still be unhappy this fear probably came from my dad he s a ex heroin addict yet in his 0 he went from a crackhead to owning his own auto repair shop ha a beautiful yr old and amazing wife yet he still the most cold hearted asshole he still cant get more then a couple hr of sleep he s drunk every night he rarely speaks a word to me so from heroin addict to a shop owner yet still unhappy still suicidal still fighting after doing so fucking much is that really all there is to life constantly fighting to be happy without ever truly feeling it you may hide it or distract for awhile but it always come back and harder everytime till one day

the daily struggle is starting to get to me i have wondered for so long why and made excuse why but when you re depressed the reason don t matter a far a i m concerned seeing a therapist amp getting medication are not an option for me the closest therapist is 00 mile away my insurance doe not cover visit they charge 00 a session and the wait for an appointment is month the way i figure it is that i have three choice end it all which would cause pain for everyone else i love wait six month travel amp get some happy pill that never work and make certain body part uhhhh shall we say limp deal with it any way possible tough choice i ll get back to you all on what i choose be well peace out

i feel like if i just got some life changing money like that a good amount of my problem would be solved it s just crazy to think that someone spends that much in a week when just spending 00 in a week would take me a month to recover from

i have anxiety and possibly depression too but i just wanted to ask if grief can be considered a depression i m not really capable of feeling grief i have only felt it in dream or about animal or something

been on escitalopram for about year worked great for the first or year wa prescribed either or 0mg honestly don t remember the exact dosage eventually it started making me feel complacent with sleeping long hour and not having any energy not meeting my goal or even making goal in the first place and not caring about thing i used to i didn t feel depressed but felt like i wa not where i wanted to be in life and that the antidepressant were part of the problem i should also mention that part of the reason i take them is for anxiety when this happened about year ago i decided to go off of them over a period of month it wa a very slow process because of all the side effect it wa terrible once i wa finally off them i felt worse i did have more energy but it wa like anxious energy i could function on hour of sleep just fine whereas with the antidepressant i feel like i have the flu if i get le than 9 hour normal on the pill is 9 0 hour well once i wa finally off the pill i wa getting anxious over every little thing including driving i had just gotten a new job and wa failing at it my inlaws came to visit in two seperate trip and after the first trip i decided i had to go back on the pill asap a i couldn t handle it anymore random outburst of cry and feeling very depressed along with near constant anxiety which is not great when my in law already don t seem to like me much long story short i went back on the pill about year ago probably about a month or of being off of them but i have kept the dosage low mg a i d like to try getting off them again i am worried to get off them completely again to try new antidepressant a i ve been promoted a few time since i went back on them and i can t risk screwing up my job i did ask my doctor if i could take the lowest dose of my current antidepressant 0 mg while i switch to new one but she told me i would have to be completely off the old one before starting anything new now i am also contemplating just upping my dosage to higher than it wa before and seeing if that help but i m also worried about having to try to get off a high dosage again it wa so terrible i m mostly just wondering if anyone ha any similar experience and what you decided to do and how it worked for you i know going to my doctor is best but it hasn t been super helpful for me so i m just curious about personal experience and i just feel like rambling a bit i guess

i wasn t in a relationship but there wa this girl who i wa heavily attracted to for whatever reason nothing worked out well i ve tried throwing the kitchen sink at it for quite some time now but i ll never get any closure because she s hardly active on any social medium after much deliberation i actually realized that i still do have the same feeling for her now a i did back then but i can t do shit about it i ve started to accept that my pain probably won t ever go away unless my life doe and i ve been having an intention to act on that

when it rain it pours i can never get ahead in this game of life it s all sort thing that pile on at the same time it seems like i start thinking that maybe it ll turn around wham something new newest one family ha a trip planned coming up and sure enough kid is sick i just don t understand why can t thing ever shift in my favor i know this sound petty compared to other people problem but i just needed to vent to someone

i feel like all of this is part of a bigger plan not that i believe in god or anything i believe that what we are experiencing right this moment is reliving our past we are living a fulfilling life there somewhere in the future i m not sure what the endgame is but being curious about it it s the only thing preventing me from burying myself six foot under i d like to find out if my older self is alive and well i feel him watching me from the distance

i m so behind in all my responsibility that i m seriously fucking up my future the weird thing i don t care logically i should be panicking but i m so calm i feel like i m barely even here

i dont think my friend are bad people which for some reason hurt to type i cant stand them anymore though im a class clown so everyone think im so outgoing and can talk to people but to be honest i put on a mask i think people are only my friend because im funny im only a joke and not an actual person if i make a self deprecating joke ill be showered with fake compliment or joke about me because you play game or call a group chat im in doesnt make u real friend ive never had a genuine conversation with anybody i know from school or online the closest ive felt to having friend wa talking to someone about a game on omegle nobody actually hang out with me either im in a group chat and somebody call it or someone feel bad and invite me somewhere two of my friend have messed up plan several time with me and dont invite me anywhere now is this some weird fucking pity thing i dont understand anything about them it genuinly upset me and any small comment or joke ruin my day they dont think about these thing but i do maybe they dont bring it up i dont either but atleast they have people to comfort them they can believe whatever garbage they say to eachother but i know any compliment i get is a lie and fake they just like me being funny and telling joke sometimes ill stay in factimes alone after everyone left it usually me and one person left and then they leave im so fucking alone the worst part is i dont fit with anybody in my class there a trans ki in my class and i dont think theyd accept me with how they talk sometimes the others might not either and i know my family 00 wouldnt they all say homophobic shit from time to time and everyone in my family are not my age but much older they all seem like they would treat me differently im so scared i cant go to anybody and i dont like the idea of venting online but here i am

i cant do this i just cant anymore i wan na be happy again im dealing with lot rn ever since i watched some verg graphic gore smoked weed had dpdr researched solipsism it all too much for me i wan na be happy again i just cant see the world the same anymore but i want to please someone help ive had this kind of depression for year it come and go i hadnt had any kind of major depression tho for a while this doesnt feel like itll go away i rly need to know and make sure itll go away because i just cant especially at night thats when it get rly bad i just don t know what to do this doesn t feel like it ll ever go away please please help im desperate

i ve been struggling for a long time but it s getting worse i feel alone constantly no matter who s around me i fake a smile to pretend i m okay but i m far from it idk what to do anymore i don t eat i can t sleep no matter how hard i try i never feel that i m good enough what do i do do i give up i don t wan na die but i don t wan na live like this

i ve tried 0 antidepressant nothing work i m about to fail out if college it s over for me i don t want to love anymore

i m starting to hate this routine i ve gotten myself into i especially hate my job i mean it s convenient and it doesn t suck all the time but this place ha me by the ball i never see anyone anymore i m trying to save up for a car but i suck at saving i m going nowhere in my life and on top of that i m starting to wish i didn t push everyone away or isolate myself but i can t help it

i forget that i m depressed and not normal because people love to bash me for not caring about most thing other human do like making lot of money and being better than everyone else lmao i made a post earlier about how i ll never do extra work at my job bc it s not worth it knowing from experience and being on that side i know you just get used by company and they never pay you what you deserve so anyway i realized i don t care for most thing other people do lmao and for what why should i care it s not worth caring

i m absolutely fucking leathered i love you all

every day i feel exhausted i wake up and just lay in bed i feel like i have no interest anymore even playing videogames or watching youtube isn t enjoyable anymore i feel so tired and stuck i don t know what to do with my life i am back living with my parent and currently am not working i applied for disability due to my depression i see a therapist twice a week and do chore for my parent in the meantime but i just feel like laying in bed all day even when i force myself to do thing i feel little or nothing from it i just want this feeling to end

day have passed since i last posted nothing ha improved my friend just hang with me for my stuff my family see me a a liability and useless it s midnight again and i wish i wa dead

i recently asked out my crush she seemed positive about it but didn t give me a clear answer i asked if we could talk about it today and we did she told me she would like to o go out with me but she doesn t feel ready to be in a relationship she would ve said yes if i had waited a bit longer i am just so disappointed in myself everytime i am near happiness i screw everything up i hate myself

fourteen year ago today i got married i thought it wa the beginning of my uneventful everyday nothing wife mom homemaker life and id be happy and grow old and die and be buried beside my old man nope here i am and widowed w four kid and alone af i m so lonely in the human sense that yes it contributes to my mdd and cptsd i ve been widowed for four year raising four kid solo my parent died a year after my husband did my sibling live 0 mile away my extended relative live out of state my close friend i only really interact with through texting because they live far away all of my friend and female acquaintance have boyfriend or husband so anytime i m physically around them the interaction feel awful for me and my kid i don t fit in at any of the church i attend or interact with because all of the other widow are decade older than me and all of the mother w young kid go there with their husband and are all happy with their full life and younger people don t wan na talk to the widow w a bunch of kid in her 0 dating hahahahahahahahahahhhhhh they re either never been married and want someone young and childless they re older and don t want to have a house of kid if we d get married or they re younger and don t want to take on that role to kid who aren t biologically theirs etc i m just left out and alone and then people don t like if i voice how lonely i feel so they ll attempt to invalidate my feeling with you have kid that make me extra lonely i have no one to send the cute pic i take of them to tell their cute little story to who they can do thing with or help me answer the question many time i m overwhelmed because they ll all talk to me or ask me question simultaneously because we have no one else who s a regular in our life it s just me so they swamp me and i can t pay attention to everyone all at the same time how they need so then at night they re asleep and i m trying to destress but i can t because the next day will be the same and there is no one to cuddle with or talk to etc it s funny too because i see article etc about how mom are overstressed etc and they need help and all but when i air my situation and trouble people say my motherhood single widowed motherhood to four fatherless kid should be the answer to my loneliness and stress if society want to feel bad for and support married mom of one of two kid how come i can never get some freaking recognition and support a a single widowed mom of four with no family or whoever helping her again i m ostracized even in the stressed single mom circle

i m think i m depressed and my anxiety is through the roof rn i m having a hard time focusing what should i do

why is it that sometimes i just randomly am completely consumed by anxiety i try think about something nice and i just feel random anxiety and i don t know why it make me feel awful or am i just tired i don t know but i do know that i m so easily consumed by defeat and depression i just want to give up and hurt myself i don t know what to do anymore i hope i can make it

doe anyone else feel helpless every day i just feel like i am passing time from one shitty situation to the next what is the point i am a m father or two with two kid early teen and college age and married to my best friend career marriage etc i can t stand my job it s not the company rather the job itself i am an account manager in the pharmaceutical industry which translates to constantly apologizing for other worker s fuck ups and dealing with burnt out frustrated pharmacist all the time i never cause the problem but i am treated a such and shit get taken out on me there is absolutely no joy in this position and it suck whatever remaining happiness i have i am looking for another job i have mental health issue gad depression ptsd etc which do not help i never know how i am going to react behave or feel each day sadly no matter how i try to hide it my family always know i am seeing a therapist which help at the time but the effect always wear off in a day or two i want nothing more than for my kid and wife to be happy and content with their life i am sure that hard to do with me around following them like a storm cloud or eeyore i had a classmate i grew up with she wa awesome beautiful inside and out the type of person who make the world better just by existing she recently had a freak medical condition that caused her to have a massive stroke and pas away positive humble great mother wife she didn t deserve it no one doe i suppose in any case i wish i could have taken one for the team and taken her place she wanted to be here i don t anymore it s not fair i very rarely find joy in anything anymore kid wife family excluded i should be and want to be okay not happy or content it s just not there sorry just venting thank you for listening

so i m om an anti depressant and i feel it work somewhat i ve tried many others that just don t i ll be ok for a while just ok not cured or anything then ill hit these pit where i can t find joy in anything not even doing stuff with my kid like i just wan na lay in bed all day type of depression and idk what to do i do struggle with substance abuse and i know that s a big part in it i just didn t wan na get too into detail about it here i m so stuck i feel like i m in a funk and just wan na get out i ve struggled with substance abuse for a few year now which ha just worsened my depression honestly

the absolute gal of some fucking people i don t know about the rest of you but i post in r suicide and this page to cope with my negative feeling and emotion it ha helped me a lot this past year and it ha helped me be more open about it in general it s good to read other people s experience and know you are not alone and then this person decided to ask to speak with me and then go on to invalidate and minimize my feeling because surprise they have a fucking saviour complex these space are meant for u to express what we can t normally say to the rest of the world and there s nothing wrong with that we are allowed to experience sadness suicidal ideation loneliness if that make you uncomfortable that in you motherfucker don t sit there and tell me you want to help me and hear me but start the conversation off by saying everyone ha stress your only there s option how dare you invalidate my experience because you don t want me to be sad bitch i have a fucking therapist for a reason i come to this platform to here thing like me too or i feel the same way or your not alone not uhh don t be sad cuz i don t like that holy shit doe anyone else relate to this how people just won t let you be sad cuz it make them uncomfortable if your uncomfortable imagine how i feel imma be sad today motherfucker

tldr fck this i m out i can t fcking do this i m tired of myself why do i feel like this i would ask for help but it s not worth it at this point i give up i should be at the happiest point in my life i have more friend than ever before that love me i ve been out of a really toxic abusive friendship for month now i don t know i m tired i m done all my grade are good but rapidly slipping i worry everyone i m around my entire family think i m suicidal and they re fcking right although they just think it because of my shitty humour they keep telling me to drop they only hear the half of it my friend are the one who are extremely worried even though i think it might be bc of my joke too i m not sure if this is a rant or a cry for help because i have a beam in my room thats perfect for a noose and a letter and i ve spent since december finding a date that won t f up anyone s bday or special event early april it wa gon na be early this month but my friend ha invited me to a convention and tbh that s the only reason i m here i didn t want to mess it up for them because they seemed really exited and i really love them and although i ve come to term with leaving them i know it ll take them a while i m not sure why i m writing this help advice idk i just feel like i m at the point of no return

i m 9 and feel lonely and empty from inside i grew up having no friend i did get a great group of friend but then they ended up just using me and then leaving me like trash so i just roam alone most of the time all empty from inside i can t even talk to my parent about it a they expect me to be happy which i can t but i have to for them so that they don t get worried about me i just want friend some true one i also realise that u trust people way too easily maybe i shouldn t sometimes i just wan na kill myself but then i think of my family and future and don t do it i wish i didn t exist

today i had an important college presentation to do but since last night i ve been so dead feel like with my brain my body ha also given up i have to pull myself together to even get out of bed i had to wake up early today and i did but i just couldn t leave my bed i wa cry so much the whole night for no specific reason i decided not to go and explained my partner that i won t make it i told them how i wa feeling funnily they re my best friend who were doing the presentation w me one of them said i didn t have the ball to just say it straight to their face that i just don t want to go because i m being lazy or whatever it hurt me so much how do i explain this to them it make me feel like i m good for nothing i feel like a piece of shit for not doing thing i should be doing everyday it keep on getting worse for me i tried therapy but it just expensive and doesn t work for me plus i always have this stress of spending so much on therapy being a student if this is how it going to be like then i don t even wan na carry on lmao i d rather just kill myself but i can t do that also because i m such a coward and always think about the consequence of my action and how other people would have to deal w it the shame that my parent will have to face i have so much fear and anxiety it so difficult to survive

my memory s fading i m losing weight i don t sleep sex feel hollow i have no motivation to do anything and i frequently think about death i ve been seeing these symptom in myself on and off again for the past few year but never really put them together until now i attributed the weight loss to a study i read stating that just thinking about working out can have benefit despite not actually working out i never really thought of it a a symptom i just saw it a a positive slightly inexplicable development in my life i think i read that i have passive intrusive thought or something like that essentially i think about what it would be like if i wa dead but not about how i would want to die or anything like that the reason for it wa always lost on me i just learned to live with it my sleep issue motivation issue and lack of sexual pleasure have always been present so i never really thought twice about them i thought the memory loss wa due to my rare and infrequent use of recreational psychedelics when i connected all of these together i spent about 0 minute just trying to remember what i had for dinner last night which i found fairly upsetting a up until my teenage year i had an immaculate memory i d still consider myself happy at least to the extent that i ve always known but the symptom are there nevertheless and i m just finding the whole thing quite strange

this always fucking happens i don t want to be sad i m a happy person this happens to me a few time a year and it s unbearable i don t want to die but this really hurt randomly and i hate it i promise i m not a sad person

last week at a family st patrick s day party i got drunk and took the rest of my antidepressant idk how much it wa but it wa at least more than half the bottle left i realized what i did wa stupid because there were kid around and i didn t want my little cousin seeing me od so i told my aunt and she took me to the er that wa thursday night i don t remember anything after getting to the er i wa completely out of it and i didn t wake up until saturday morning i wish i didn t survive and i ve been in the hospital since then because there aren t any bed available for outpatient program i m just waiting for a bed i don t want to go to a psych ward i ve already been admitted other time for suicidal ideation this wa my first time attempting i don t think life is worth living and i don t mean that for just me i think for anyone life is so fucking mundane and pointless i don t want to do any of it i don t want to live so i can work and pay bill for the rest of my life what s the point in that and none of the people that i genuinely care about have reached out to me that know i od d which break my fucking heart it s like they don t even care i ve been so depressed for so long i don t want to fight anymore and i don t think it s fair for people to ask me stay when they know i m suffering i ve given up already i don t think i ll ever get my will to live again i m literally dead inside and i have nothing to live for

some of you on this sub probably have this a well i m about to be 9 and i have been depressed since i wa a child it ha taken away my ability to make friend be a functional human being and live a normal life i ve never felt wanted because i wasn t my narcissistic family wasn t of any help so i moved in with my boyfriend approximately a year ago i regret everything i have no support i m a disgrace to my family all i want to do is lay in bed and just stay there and the worst thing is i can t just kill myself or my boyfriend will be emotionally ruined i don t understand why i got into a relationship i m so selfish if it wasn t for him i would ve thrown myself off of an overpass a while ago i feel like i m going insane i want to die but i can t actually do it myself because of guilt fear so i m kinda just there trying to do what people expect of me

i have a friend at work that i ve been confiding in for the last couple week we both are experiencing depression and suicidal ideation over the last several year she seemed like someone who ha everything together in a sense that she ha a gridiron exterior great career very positive attitude and i come to learn she s barely hanging on in my struggle with depression she ha been my most interesting and welcomed member of my support network i m also working at getting my former bos now my director back into my network my current bos add to the depression quite a bit but having a network of people to connect with is truly a blessing my point is that there are so many wonderful people and sometimes you expect the least expected to be your strongest ally stay strong and make today the best you can practice self care exercise is therapy therapy is therapy and be a reason someone release the stigma that depression is for the weak but that the strongest have to survive the self destruct mechanism in your brain just learn to manage it

i don t care about therapy school work friend music clothes anything i don t even card enough to eat i don t care to shower or to get up i simply lack energy to care i hate this world my therapist say i should try and do thing i enjoy or atleast keep up with my room but nah i don t care to i m not doing anything anymore

i have been pretty down for the last few year and i felt mentally stuck in a limbo it is like i can t move back but i can t move forward i have just been surviving for the past few year but now it s like i can t physically move i don t feel like studying or even getting up and i don t know how to get over it it come and go but sometimes it come at really bad time i wish i could get over this part

hello i am i had been very reluctant to admit i wa depressed but it s very hard to hide at this point plus who am i kidding apparently it written over my face for people who have known me for a while it really hurt me when people ask how are you i can not tell if they are just being cordial or they truly care i assume the former for them and respond i am good okay but every time i say i am good i feel slightly sadder because i know that is not the case i want to speak about this to friend but i do not really feel close to any friend anymore i moved country so this could be a contributing factor so here i am on reddit i have attended university twice now and already going to have a delay on this degree which mean another year of my life wasted to chasing a degree 9 i have been very disconnected from friend over the last two year and have felt like i am in a prison because i have mostly spoken extensively to just two people over last two year maybe this is because i am extroverted i do not recognise myself anymore i used to be so positive and strong mentally but a lot of negative thinking and bad thought have engulfed me for a while now i used to be very funny and enjoyed joking around but thats vanished these day i used to be very athletic and worked very hard to get lean after antipsychotic made me gain weight but now i am starting to put some weight back on because i have been using unhealthy food to cope these day my mind is flooded with so much negative thought pattern it s becoming too exhausting and i can barely study despite my best effort and knowing final are next week mostly quit social medium especially instagram because all it make me do is compare myself to others and reminds me of how unaccomplished i feel and the older i get the more i start to fear that i might actually go nowhere and how it might be better to die young and full of potential than a wasted life will i get back to how i once wa before my mental health went to shit is there a way out for good i have tried therapy but didn t work my last therapist told me she doesn t know why i am depressed because i am very good looking smart likeable and said to cheer up like it wa that simple

i don t know if i have depression anymore a few year ago i wa convinced i did since i didn t have much joy left in my hobby game or many show and i know when this thing all started back in primary school i m in uk there wa this autistic kid named patrick he appeared nice at the beginning but i had a bad feeling about him i felt bad that i did since he wa autistic and back then i wa told that you should never judge someone because of appearance or disability for that i wanted to be his friend along with everyone else after a few day of trying i realised why i had the bad feeling it turned out that patrick wa a bully and he always called me name and pushed me and hit me every time i wa even near him and of course i went to a teacher guess what they did drumroll nothing they said he couldn t help it because he wa autistic this went on for a year after a year of this the other boy in the class joined in and called me name and i only had friend through all of this let call one b and the other l when i wa hanging out with b she offered a sweet they had one of and i wa thankful for her kindness the next day b told l that i stole it from her and i now lost my only friend another year of this and still nothing but i had one friend we ll call her m m wa a girl i liked i matured fast after a while of hanging out with m i asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes month of more bullying but being with m i wa sad about not having friend but happy that i wa with m m slowly stopped hanging out with me and soon enough she started hanging out with b month later me and m were over m wa always talking to b i talked to no one i stopped going outside apart from school whenever m asked me to come outside i never said yes anymore i just sunk myself into a rabbit hole of youtube video p game and especially fortnite when it wa popular after summer holiday i went back to school and i gave up on making friend or doing work that year i always got mad whenever someone insulted me and i walked out of the classroom still teacher did nothing they actually called my carers and said i might have autism or anger issue absolutely ignoring the fact i wa being bullied right in front of them it definitely didn t help that the teacher for our class wa always on the girl side and soon enough i felt like i wanted to murder some of my classmate and i forgot to mention that i became friend with one of the boy that bullied me last year but he didn t really talk to me much after i started reading news story about depression abuse treatment of kid mental health etc and i came to the conclusion that adult couldn t help in this situation so i had to stop my anger before it even started i tried to stop sleeping because i thought if i wa tired enough my brain would be to weak to show emotion i soon enough had no friend didn t get much sleep didn t go outside apart from school and that s only through the course of and a half year primary i decided i wa gon na better myself and actually do my work i got to level in subject i talked to my friend more i became friend with m again after m and b had a fight they stopped being friend so in that year the teacher were the true problem and patrick of course let s call teacher one c and no d d wa the one i hated the most d intentionally made fun of the fact my dad left my mother when i wa born d also heard patrick call me name and hit me and breathe in my face multiple time i burst out of the room and went outside then d found me and acted like he didn t know what happened the deliberately said get back inside or i ll call your dad that made me so angry that i shouted right in his face and i went back inside angrily patrick still annoyed me and still teacher ignored it after covid erupted we went off school and it wa great skip to primary and patrick finally started getting in trouble by one teacher only teacher c after a while of him actually getting in trouble he came up with a plan he decided to tell teacher c to go home and kill themself and when it happened teacher c went out with watering eye and the head teacher came in and said to him patrick that s not nice don t say it again teacher c still got him in trouble and he gave up on stopping her nothing much happened that year he still bullied me but i tuned all of it out since i couldn t care anymore nor could i get angry anymore all my anger wa used up now i m in s and people call me emo just because of my long fringe no one want to be friend with me everyone annoys me for no reason most of my primary school friend are no longer talking to me i gave up do i have depression

im recently got fired from my job unfairly that i absolutely loved i ve spent the last month trying to apply for job but only wanting to apply to thing that sparked my interest which were slim to none i applied to position with my favourite clothing company and wa really excited about the opportunity and after over a month of interview i have been turned down for both they say that my skill and qualification dont align with the job however if anything im extremely qualified maybe over qualified for both i ve been having a really hard time mentally recently and this is the cherry on top i went to school for fashion and only got a diploma i dont know what to do from here im feeling extremely discouraged and down about myself almost like im literally not good enough for anything it feel like my life is going no where ill live at home with my parent forever and im just gon na rot away i really dont know what to do i seriously feel like im going no where in life im not qualified for anything really in my field they all require diploma do i just work random job for the rest of my life and feel even worse just so i can have some sort of income

i m tired depressed and can t go through this alone anymore i haven t been kind to myself i ve taken a pill because i don t want to stay awake even though it s really early can you leave me a comment so that i won t wake up to zero notification maybe something to make me get out of the bed a little easier

nobody like me all my friend are asshole and just make fun of me isk if they think it s cool or something but it s really annoying i m thinking of dropping them i m fat and annoying my grandfather in the hospital and my family is a complete mess i have no faith for anything and the only thing keeping me alive is a concert i m not gon na hurt myself just suck being this way yk so much more going on but i only wan na talk about the loneliness right now

m and i did what i wanted to in life grew up poor got an education make ton of money hit the top of ladder in a respect profession and i m not happy i m not rich but money isn t a a big a concern a it used to be i have a job i like sometimes but the reality of it are physically and mentally destroying i have good friend and am finding myself making more a i go but i m miserable completely miserable i wa told that you become successful you work hard and have good moral invest in your friend develop hobby and fulfillment and happiness come a a by product but when in the actual fuck doe this fullfillent and happiness come

so a couple month ago i finally had the courage to tell my girlfriend i wa cutting myself we ve since broken up but that doesn t matter too much she expressed her sympathy but then abruptly got up to go to the bathroom i wa concerned but she told me not to follow because this wa at school and i wouldn t be allowed so i trusted that her bladder just had terrible timing so i waited after a couple minute go by i start to get worried and that s when the teacher tell me that she found her cry in the bathroom and sent her to the counsellor office and i should go check on her i go to find her and she tell me that she had a panic attack because she ha trauma related to self harm i m obviously concerned for her but at the same time i m so angry she didn t even tell me anything wa wrong we talk for a bit and cry a lot but then the counsellor say they want to talk to her and i should get back to my class so i go back to class and i have to pretend that everything s ok that i haven t been experiencing the lowest point of my mental health ever and i have to go through it alone eventually she come back but only to grab her thing she tell me she s going home because she already had a bad morning and that it s not my fault all i wanted wa for someone to be there for me and the only person i could talk to just left i can t talk to counsellor because i m terrified of what would happen if my parent found out this happened month ago and i m still so angry at this i don t even talk to her anymore but i don t know how to deal with this

legitimate question i m not trying to be close minded or anything i got referred to a therapy clinic by a friend of mine and i have been doing weekly session for a month now i don t feel any better and to be honest i kind of dread my therapy session because they leave me feeling even more helpless and empty i think my therapist isn t the best phd student in training but i feel so bad saying that since i know she s there to help me people have told me to change therapist but jesus christ i can t bring myself to do it because i feel bad i put myself in her shoe i honestly don t know if i m being impatient about all this since i ve heard therapy take many session to help at all anyways i went to therapy because i wa fed up with life after dealing with anxiety and depression symptom for year and i wanted to take my friend s advice also my depression symptom have been worse even though my qol ha been better overall i let my therapist know that nothing triggered my depressive episode this time around and that my mind is just painfully empty feel like someone is constricting my brain and i feel lethargic all the time but all she doe is ask what do you mean by that sorry if i m writing too much in one post but i heard therapist aren t supposed to give advice so what exactly can she do for me she doe cbt sometimes like when i told her that everyone in the room judge me for the way i walk and talk to which she say who told you that are you sure you re not judging them first which doe make my question myself slightly but that s all nothing that i can actively implement to help me counter those thought but then again i have no idea what i m supposed to take from my session and would appreciate your guy feedback any experience you want to share amp x 00b edit sorry wanted to clear up that i haven t been formally diagnosed with anything so i m not 00 sure if i had a depressive episode i had to ask my therapist to refer me to a psychiatrist didn t seem like she wa going to since i wanted a proper assesment

i m on this team project and the project manager is super toxic i constantly feel like i am a burden and that i have to pretend to be working every morning there is stand up and i have a mental breakdown because i haven t done anything i have started seeing my therapist again but i just don t know what to do about this i honestly feel like i have to quit my job but i don t have another job i am totally screwed with no way out

my adult child with depression is very challenging to deal with i realize that she ha depression but she refuse to get a job amp expects u to pay for her living expense in an apartment when we bring it up she cut u off i feel bad because i know doing new thing can be difficult especially for someone with depression and anxiety but i can not afford to pay for my daughter s apartment and my apartment she is finished with school in august with a college degree i offered for her to move into my apartment but she won t now she isn t talking to me because of asking her to get a job but i m still paying for everything because i dont know what else to do

i fell pain on my left chest and on my left back when i looking for an answer on google i feel it s a symptom of heart disease my mother also ha this and a far a i know heart disease can be inherited i didn t dare to go to the doctor because in our family there is a saying that say it s better not to know

i feel so sad and lonely so i am a student at a university now i am an international student and i came to this country last year i am kind of shy and always chose to keep the feeling to myself than speak out there wa one girl in my class that i liked she wa smart and intelligent rather than anything romantic i thought we could be friend but i did not approach her till the end of the semester on one of the final day i wa like i can t always be scared to express so i went upto her and asked her contact detail we talked a bit and she asked if i wan na go for a movie we went the next week and it wa fun it wa a good to have a friend in a foreign country we went out a few time after that a well then she had covid and i tried to give her some advice and said that i wa stifling her even though i had just told her to take care of herself the next day she said that she ha issue that she need to sort out and want space being a friend i didn t understand what issue or what did i do but i did not message her a week later she message me back in a good mood and say that let s watch something and we watch a movie at her home i cook for her at her place and i think she enjoyed a well she doe some painting and showed me those so i asked are these just for you and then she said that she shared it on instagram by her pseudonym and feel good when her internet friend appreciate it i did not read too much into what internet friend meant day later i wa scrolling through instagram when it occurred to me to look her painting up so i searched her pseudonym and found that it wa a public profile and saw that she had posted a painting i like it so i messaged her on whatsapp where we usually chatted that hey i saw your painting and what i liked about it something flipped her off and she said that her internet persona is different than the real life persona and what i did wa a big mistake and she doe not want to talk anymore i wa like i did not about this internet persona thing and you had said you shared it with your friend but if it is that big an issue i am sorry and will not look at your painting and then she wa so rude she said that it wa the last chance she gave me but me explaining why i looked wa too much i did not respond anything a i wa so hurt i did not even do anything bad or something to intentionally hurt her i did not message her anything for week i did not look at her whatsapp i just tried to forget her around day ago in a moment of weakness i searched her name and see that she ha blocked me on whatsapp i didn t even do anything after she said all that i got very depressed and wrote her a long message on text this wa the message hello please read this that is my only request yesterday i had tried to message you on whatsapp asking how you were and saw that you have blocked me you can block me here and everywhere else a well after this i just want you to read what wa in my mind when we were talking from the day we had started talking i do not know what all bad thing you think about me but atleast from my side i had always wanted to be a good friend and never had any bad thought i had fun on each of our meeting i have been continuously thinking for the last month what did i do wrong a you never told me and just shut me off maybe these were the reason i don t even know i can t even think properly i thought that we were very alike i honestly thought we could be good friend two introvert who want to be better at their craft and helping each other out through tough school again i do not know what all notion you had about my intention but i did not want to be more than friend if you ever felt that way i am a new guy in this country there are many thing i have not even understood here having a relationship or a girlfriend is the last thing on my mind i don t even have friend here to share stuff so i never wanted anything more than just being friend who could help each other whenever they needed or share thing about life course maybe take some advice on what to do in certain aspect of life thing that normal friend do and maybe i wa selfish to have looked for that friend in you you had said that i did not deserve to be a friend the last time we talked there ha not been a day when i did not think what did i do wrong that i am not even worth a friendship i think that i had probably messaged you more than what you wanted a a friend i don t know you never told me that i thought everything wa normal whenever something came to my mind or i watched some video that i liked on youtube i used to send it to you i think i should not have done that and maybe you didn t like that i just did that because i wanted to share thing with you that i admired so that those thing may bring happiness to you a well the other reason wa that i looked at your painting on instagram i am sorry that i looked at your instagram profile to appreciate your painting i did not have any wrong intention i wa just curious and had thought you would like it a you had said that you like it when your friend appreciate your art i wa not aware of internet persona being different from real life persona i am not a bad person i just wanted to be a friend and someone you could trust i am not writing this to you for any response or for being friend because i don t think i have any respect in your eye and i have lost much of my self respect in my own eye after how many time i have tried to apologize honestly for last week i didn t even look for you on whatsapp a it wa soul crushing to read how you had said that i blew the chance of being a friend and i think it is best that you do not respond to me a i can not feel more pathetic and worse about myself trying to mend the bridge which never even existed i just want to say that i am sorry if i ever hurt you or made you feel bad i always wanted to be good and make you happy a a friend i never had any malice or any bad intention i never wanted to be someone who you despise this much i am just sorry and i will be really grateful if you could just let me know what i did i texted her this and and then she texted back don t say if own up to your mistake and now she will block me in text a well i am not even sure what i did and i feel depressed lonely and sad i have never felt like this

hi i am male i used to have a very emotional side but for the last year or so i am not able to feel sad especially for others sympathy i used to cry when my best friend cried to me about her break up but now i couldn t shed a single tear during my grandfather death i hated the feeling did i stop loving my grandfather even then why didn t i feel sad when i saw my mother cry she is the first person i don t want to see cry off late i feel it s affecting my friendship a well just to be clear it s not a overall numbness i still feel happiness anger and other emotion but this is really frustrating especially when i am getting into a relationship for the first time in my life i keep questioning my love for people i keep asking myself if i can t feel sad for them do i really love them

i m at a very weird place in my life right now i m a year old male in college i m failing my college class a i have no motivation to do well in them i have a very poor relationship with my parent and family the one organization in my college that i m extremely involved with ha cut tie with me over accusation that are not true i have a leadership role in this organization and being a leader in the organization with no prior experience ha brought me a ton of hater and people that just want to see my downfall i literally have no future a i m supposed to graduate this semester and get a job but i am nowhere near both i can t pursue my real passion and to top it all of and what really might put me over the edge is problem with this woman in my life we met through this organization that i wa talking about earlier in this text a a captain i have my own committee of people that i oversee and she wa one of my committee member the first time we hung out in october she took me out to a bar after i turned it wa just me and her we quickly started to develop this really cool friendship where d we hangout and talk almost daily a a young man hopeless in love i started to develop feeling but nothing crazy because i almost always saw her a a best friend first and i m sure she felt the same way then we were at a bar about a month ago she wa talking to some guy at the bar and i wa having a funny conversation with my friend but i could see from the corner of my eye that she wa talking to this man and that s when i first started feeling these feeling of jealousy but i could tell she wa looking at me too talking to my friend and she came to me and we embraced and i hugged her almost all night had my arm around her and everything and she had her hand over mine too and we just kept feeling each other this wa the first time we ever moved into this phase of our friendship and i think we both felt something brewing in our heart for one another a few day went by and i wa out yet again talking to this other chick i met at the bar and we ended up almost hooking up back at my place but i couldn t go through with it because all i could think about wa my best friend who i really liked i m an introvert at heart and will always keep my feeling inside because i m scared to tell people how i feel and i suppress those feeling but literally the next day after this hookup that didn t happen i wa at a friend s st birthday party and got hammered myself and i had this urge of wanting to tell my best friend how i truly felt about her and that s exactly what i did it wa a thursday night she always go to this one specific club on thursday night so i ditched my friend and went to that club to see her and it literally played out like a romantic film she wa the first person i saw when i walked in and went up to her and for the first time in my life i poured my heart out to her and told her how i felt about her and how she make me feel and at first she wa shocked and then she said she felt the same way and we kissed for a long time at this moment i wa on cloud 9 i had never had a girlfriend before had never been in a relationship before but in this moment it wa just me and her against the world and i loved it we started to head back to my apartment but the alcohol wa kicking in for me and i passed out once i got back to my apartment i woke up the next day and saw her heel on the floor but she wa nowhere to be found so i texted her and told her that i wa sorry for passing out from the alcohol but i meant every word i told her last night she didn t text me back till later that day and she said that she wa thinking about it all day and night and she didn t want to fuck up our friendship a it s one of the few good thing in her life right now and i totally get that wa i disappointed hearing this yeah of course i wa but i texted her back saying that we can talk about this in person another time but for right now enjoy your weekend the next day we saw each other at a party and i talked to her outside and told her that i d rather say we tried to make it work and it didn t rather than not giving u a chance at all and she never gave me a clear answer she texted me later that night saying that she needed a break and some time to think so i said okay a few day later we had our last committee meeting and it wa so awkward cause we hadn t talked before and we were on this so called break and after the meeting ended she immediately left even though she usually wait for me i got a text from her later that night around am saying that this letter i wrote for everyone on my committee wa very sweet and cute and i asked her how long this break should last and she said she wasn t sure a she didn t want me to think that she wa leading me on which i thought she wa doing so we hopped on this facetime call and had a really nice long conversation about all the stuff we had to catch up on and then after an hour i switched the topic back to our relationship and she basically said that she didn t feel the same way i wa so hurt when she said this because all the sign pointed to her liking me too and i really felt like i knew what her heart wa saying we both went to sleep cry that night for each other the next day i sent her a text this time saying that i do need some space to figure thing out and we can talk after spring break so for the next week we didn t talk she didn t view my story like any of my social medium post and just simply didn t communicate with each other and it wa one of the worst thing for me to go through a she wa someone i really looked forward to talking to and to not be able to do that just sucked the sunday before we came back to college i texted her and asked if she d be down to hangout that first week we got back and she said she wa down to do so and i wa so happy because it felt like i wa getting my friend back again but then a few day later she angrily text me asking if i told anyone that we hooked up which isn t true and i told her that i didn t which is true there were rumor going around about u from people that saw u hangout a lot that saw u embrace at the bar that saw u kiss at the club and saw u walk back to my apartment together so people could only assume that we were a thing and i kept telling her that but she wasn t having it she facetimed me saying that she regretted ever kissing me she didn t want to be friend anymore and all this shit i wa extremely hurt hearing this and just wanted my friend back and wanted to forget ever opening up my feeling for her so i sent her a really long text explaining that i never said anything that i really cared about her and just wanted my best friend back she responded by saying that she appreciated me reaching out and that she wa over the situation and that she s not ready to move forward with me and doesn t think our friendship will ever be the same so i texted her this morning and i said i get it and if there wa any way we could meet in person and just talk she responded back by saying that she s potentially open to it but not now maybe next week so i said i just genuinely need someone to talk to but i understand her the last text she sent me wa i don t think i can be that person for you anymore i m sorry i am heartbroken devastated and hopeless angry at myself angry at this world and i just want to leave i have no direction in life no one to turn to anymore and i just want to end it all a soon a possible

f 0 i m feeling very lonely i need someone to talk to

idk what the fuck is wrong with me i can t fucking learn it feel so painful i can t concentrate i eat so much sweet until i want to vomit i m extremely depressed i can t do anything it hurt so much to be alive every day is so fucking painful to get through i want it to end so bad i m in a fucking nightmare i feel like a retard i can t ask for help i really don t know how i will get through anything i m at home all the time i have to join a university and learn but it feel like walking through fire wtf can i do i have appointment with psychiatrist but i feel like i should be in a fucking hospital fuck i want to fucking tell my mother but i fucking don t know what can i say i don t know how can i help myself i wish i had an easy way to kill myself i don t even know if anything can fix me

i cant put the feeling i feel into word im stuck in an endless cycle of dopamine consumption all i do is work school scroll i have no hobby no interest nothing brings me joy but i dont have the motivation to actually do anything i think im depressed but i dont want to go back into therapy psychiatry because im tired of feeling like a patient even writing this is tiring and i cant thinj of how i could describe my conditon my dad tell me he s proud of me for doing basic thing like showering or going to school everyone s expectation of me went from sky high to so so very low in a matter of 0 year i hate it i dont know where i went im just empty now

i shower and wash my hair naturally curly so it s a whole routine do my skin care routine and feel good for a day or two then i just don t even want to do it again i stop washing my hair for a week or two i completely stop taking care of my skin i fall off my routine until i get that motivation back to do it again i m getting so tired of this i miss how soft and fluffy my hair feel after washing it i miss how clean and soft my face feel after exfoliating moisturizing i wish i could do this everyday but i just fall off i get so depressed and watch my hair and skin turn into exactly how i feel for the past few day now i haven t even been able to get out of bed i lay there wanting to do thing but i just don t get up it feel like there s so much weight on top of me just holding me down the only one good thing i did yesterday wa getting up to wash the dish i like celebrating the smaller thing but i m kinda getting tired of that i wish i didn t have to i wish i wa functioning like everyone else i wish living didn t feel like such a chore i seriously wish i could give my life to someone who want to live this out anyone else probably would ve made better choice to get out of my situation and much earlier too i feel so useless if anyone s got tip for the getting back into routine thing please throw anything you ve got at me thank you for reading

i m sorry sometimes i don t feel much i wish i did i wish i wa better for you i wish i could always try my hardest and make thing better i wish i wasn t bad i d do anything to make myself better for you i m sorry i ve cried more than i d like and felt a lot lately i wish i could feel a lot a lot of the time i truly am sorry

fuck everything i m done

i m and i ve wished i wa dead for the last two year of my life i pushed away all of my friend who could understand what i m going through i m failing all my class because all of my motivation and hope is drained i don t feel like i can tell anyone what i m really going through i had all the making of a perfect childhood i wa smart i had friend and i had a good family with enough money to live in a nice suburban neighborhood i threw all of it away because suddenly i didn t feel wanted any longer i don t know what to do anymore the thing ive used to cope are slowly being taken away in the hope my grade will rise i ve become emotionally numb to everything around me i don t think i ll ever find love because of how quiet and secluded i ve become i ve stopped trying to make thing better in my life i just needed to get some of this out so thanks